# Are you really married or....just roomates?



## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

So I'm sure I'm not the only one out there who's marriage has become or feels like a _roomate_ arrangement more than it does a loving relationship, and for me that's about where I am at now in my married life.


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## Jisela2012 (Sep 2, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> So I'm sure I'm not the only one out there who's marriage has become or feels like a _roomate_ arrangement more than it does a loving relationship, and for me that's about where I am at now in my married life.


Im in the same boat, I just finished telling my husband the same thing. Idk what to do


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Jisela2012 said:


> Im in the same boat, I just finished telling my husband the same thing. Idk what to do


For us we will either have to get some serious counseling to try and get back to square one, or the next step is the moving out and seperating process unfortuneatly.


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## nandosbella (Jul 6, 2012)

i get this feeling every now and then. It usually happens if theres a week or so of no sex. Once this feeling inches too close i freak out. I start fights or stay somewhere else until there's that loving feeling again. I refuse to live like that. Life is too short and frankly I'd rather be alone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jisela2012 (Sep 2, 2012)

Ive asked him about counseling, but he refuses. Sad thing is, he has been married previously before. Im the 3rd wife.. Said counseling doesnt work for him.


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## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

nandosbella said:


> i get this feeling every now and then. It usually happens if theres a week or so of no sex.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


A week! Wow! I've just hit the 6 month mark so definitely in the room mates arena. My baby having two loving parents under the same roof is more important to me at this point in time though.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Feeling this way now. And I'm too tired to care lol 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nandosbella (Jul 6, 2012)

6 months?? omg. i think sex is part of a healthy relationship... why would you want to raise a kid to think a roomate marriage is ok/healthy? imo... it's not good for anyone. but... to each their own!


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## Incognito007 (Sep 2, 2012)

I had the same thing in my relationship with my my wife. It caused me to make some serious mistakes that I still feel deeply guilty about. Our relationship has not been the same since and I am afraid that we may have hit the end. I wish you the best of luck working it out. I sometimes wonder if it is better to be alone than live under the roof of someone who really has no interest in you?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

It's a business arrangement at this point. Midrange the plan is we're done in about a year.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Roomates share expenses. I'm more in a "patient/caretaker" relationship.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

I suspect the every marridge goes through this feeling many times in a relationship. Its recognising it and then making adjustments to make that feeling change. Time together in a different atmosphere, some good old romantic talk, being tactile and locking out those kids and friends may help open the communication.


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

Jisela2012 said:


> Ive asked him about counseling, but he refuses. Sad thing is, he has been married previously before. Im the 3rd wife.. Said counseling doesnt work for him.


If he won't go to counseling then you _may_ have hit a dead end. Hopefully you two can talk about it and reconnect. 

For myself, my stbxh and I became roomates after five years. I asked him a couple of times to go to counseling and he refused. As a result, we are in the process of divorce. We have not lived together for a few years (tried R but it didn't work) and before that had not had sex in three years. No, I'm not kidding. 

I know that I am a much happier and fulfilled person now. I hope that same feeling comes to him someday.

good luck to you though! Keep working on it and keep pushing him for either counseling or good communication. Please don't let it get to where my relationship went.


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## Jisela2012 (Sep 2, 2012)

in my tree said:


> If he won't go to counseling then you _may_ have hit a dead end. Hopefully you two can talk about it and reconnect.
> 
> For myself, my stbxh and I became roomates after five years. I asked him a couple of times to go to counseling and he refused. As a result, we are in the process of divorce. We have not lived together for a few years (tried R but it didn't work) and before that had not had sex in three years. No, I'm not kidding.
> 
> ...


Ty so much, I feel like we have hit a dead end. I tried so many different ways to enlighten our relationship, but to him nothing has changed or better. We hardly have sex now, so I just dont see this ending any good. Hard thing is we just had a baby, but I dont believe in staying w/ one another for the children. Hopefullly something changes


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## Mrs Nora Barnacle (May 15, 2012)

Yes I feel like this too. Especially when I see the monthly expenses split so evenly down the middle that even the cat food is on the list.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Well we haven't had sex for about one week, lots of work,pressing deadlines and we are both too tired.

We just came back from a walk in the park and it was really nice. We talked about plans for next year and laughed at each other's silly jokes.
I don't know if we will have sex later tonight, but what I DO know is that whether or not we have sex,she will fall asleep in my arms, and her head on my chest,
As she does every night.

Yes,we're really married.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

We are now entering our 7th month of not having sex and we constantly argue to boot, so I am still willing to go to counseling to see if that works and if it will change anything.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Definitely married. While we both have our own interests (or lack thereof) we still sleep together, we still cuddle, we still make time for just the two of us. For a couple years, it DID feel like just a roommate situation, but we have started back on the right path.


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## coldshoulder (Sep 27, 2011)

That's one of the comments that I got along with the "I love you, but I don't think I'm in love with you..." speech..."it feels like we are just room mates that have children together..." "I don't know if you are THE ONE any more"

And it comes down to communication...I just read the book "The 5 Love Languages", awesome book...you need to figure out what your SO would like in their perfect mate...try asking...you may think you are communicating love to them, and they may be hearing something totally different and unintended. You also need to be clear on how you would like to be loved, they may think they are putting all the effort in but are going about it in the wrong way...

I'm not saying what I have is perfect, but it is getting better...or she is a very good actress...

Later.


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## Another Planet (Aug 8, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> Well we haven't had sex for about one week, lots of work,pressing deadlines and we are both too tired.
> 
> We just came back from a walk in the park and it was really nice. We talked about plans for next year and laughed at each other's silly jokes.
> I don't know if we will have sex later tonight, but what I DO know is that whether or not we have sex,she will fall asleep in my arms, and her head on my chest,
> ...


So jealous!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

My roommate better get a damn job.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

She still gets nervous when I look her straight in the eye, and giggles like a school girl. Truth be told, sometimes I do too (minus the giggling school girl part  ).

Sometimes when we make love it's like the first time all over again.

We manage to be comfortable with one another, but still maintain a certain touch of mystery.

She will pull away from a sweet, connected kiss, and ask for a brief moment to catch her breath.

I am in love with her more now than ever before, which is amazing to me because I once thought "I can't love this woman more".

Highs, lows, and everything in between, we _stay in love_. 

She is the one that I want, the one that I have, and the one that I never want to lose.

We're married. I don't believe in wedded roommates.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

jaquen said:


> She still gets nervous when I look her straight in the eye, and giggles like a school girl. Truth be told, sometimes I do too (minus the giggling school girl part  ).
> 
> Sometimes when we make love it's like the first time all over again.
> 
> ...


Sounds more like you read that out of some book than it does what is really taking place in a lot of marriages.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> Sounds more like you read that out of some book than it does what is really taking place in a lot of marriages.


Thank God!

:smthumbup:


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## 20matc11 (Mar 1, 2011)

In response to the subject of the thread, that is what my marriage dissolved into two years before action was taken to end it. I am not sure of your circumstances but my XW decided that she didn't want to be married any more, started an affair that she refused to end, made it very obvious that she thought of us as roommates (with a lopsided agreement that favored me but that I still wasn't holding up my side of) even going so far as to consciously walk through the living room naked like she was reenacting a scene from The Break-up. She blamed me for the affair and her not being happy, and after we divorced when I sent her a letter telling her that I didn't send emails between her and the OM to the OM's wife when we were married because I knew it would end two marriages immediately and I didn't have time (I was trying to finish graduate school) to come up with a plan B as far as living arrangements etc. she accused me of using her for the last year of our "marriage".

I know its not advice but you are not alone in the "marriage turned into a roommate agreement" category. Perhaps you can find out why that feeling is there and if there is anyway to come back from it. If it is one sided then that person will have to commit to changing it. It can be frustrating if it is not you who has the problem.


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## InsaneInLove (Sep 4, 2012)

Mine is turning into the same thing. Evidently it always was on her part. A "friend with benefits". Sex has always been good, at least she said on her part. She benefits the most from it (I'm kind of a pleasing freak). She was always upset that she rarely was able to "please" me, though I have constantly told her that I enjoy the foreplay and lovemaking more than the end result. However, sex has been either once a month, or once every 2-3 over the past 12 years. She recently revealed to me that she never felt the "magical" connection. 
​I feel that people make our own magic, but feel bad that she hasn't felt that crazy flame since we were young. I'm madly in love with her, but she isn't with me. She had an emotional affair with a coworker, so of course she isn't feeling the magic with me, her emotions are tied up with someone else getting that instant spark. I fear she'll have to go through a lot of those before she figures it out.
​Meanwhile, she wants to cohabitate, sleep in the same bed, snuggle, but not be intimate. (Though twice in the past 3 weeks she's enjoyed a one-way good time from me. I just love pleasing her, it makes me happy). She doesn't want the kids to know anything, which is hard when you have a genius 10 year old, and I'm not just being a proud parent here, that kid sees everything. I can't live as a roommate with my wife and lover, though she seems to think she can. I know it will affect me down the road, though for now, I'm doing everything in my power just to show her love, and let her be her own person as much as I can. 
​It sucks, but love is worth giving, even if you don't take. Love _should _be a gift, not an exchange. If both parties do this, it will work out very well, because an exchange takes place without expectations. If not, it can cause resentment long-term.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

InsaneInLove said:


> Mine is turning into the same thing. Evidently it always was on her part. A "friend with benefits". Sex has always been good, at least she said on her part. She benefits the most from it (I'm kind of a pleasing freak). She was always upset that she rarely was able to "please" me, though I have constantly told her that I enjoy the foreplay and lovemaking more than the end result. However, sex has been either once a month, or once every 2-3 over the past 12 years. She recently revealed to me that she never felt the "magical" connection.
> ​I feel that people make our own magic, but feel bad that she hasn't felt that crazy flame since we were young. I'm madly in love with her, but she isn't with me. She had an emotional affair with a coworker, so of course she isn't feeling the magic with me, her emotions are tied up with someone else getting that instant spark. I fear she'll have to go through a lot of those before she figures it out.
> ​Meanwhile, she wants to cohabitate, sleep in the same bed, snuggle, but not be intimate. (Though twice in the past 3 weeks she's enjoyed a one-way good time from me. I just love pleasing her, it makes me happy). She doesn't want the kids to know anything, which is hard when you have a genius 10 year old, and I'm not just being a proud parent here, that kid sees everything. I can't live as a roommate with my wife and lover, though she seems to think she can. I know it will affect me down the road, though for now, I'm doing everything in my power just to show her love, and let her be her own person as much as I can.
> ​It sucks, but love is worth giving, even if you don't take. Love _should _be a gift, not an exchange. If both parties do this, it will work out very well, because an exchange takes place without expectations. If not, it can cause resentment long-term.


What do you have to gain by staying with a woman who flat up says she never felt any "magic" with you, has had an affair, and is interested in turning you into a psychologically castrated roommate who she can turn to for cuddles, cash, and the occasional one-way lickfest?

There is nothing noble about loving a blackhole.


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## up in arms (Sep 4, 2012)

I am in the Same Boat. My wife and I have started planning a Seperation. She tells me that "she loves me like a Best Friend... not like a Wife should towads her Husband". We have 3 kids and I have asked her about counceling, but she is not willing. We have been married 6.5 years and she has not worked or helped out financially for the past 5.5 years. I feel like i have bent over backwards trying to make her Happy... and she feels like she is Trapped at home with the kids. 

Recently she started a low-paying job jsut to get out of the house. Just enough to cover daycare expense for our 2 y/o. Now she wants to leave.

I know that she will not be able to make it on her own and her lifestyle will be significantly less than what she has now. and she will have to Bust her tail to make ends meet. 

She does not blame me, she blames herself and has much guilt because she is hurting me and our family.

Not sure that i am actually asking anything here, just feels goot to get it off my chest. Any suggestions are welcome.


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## Incognito007 (Sep 2, 2012)

up in arms said:


> Not sure that i am actually asking anything here, just feels goot to get it off my chest. Any suggestions are welcome.


I posted a rather "lengthy" post the other day about the situation with my wife. While I was happy to get feedback on it, I am pretty much in the same boat as you in that I posted it mainly to get a bunch of stuff of my chest, and boy did that help!

Wish I could help you more with your problem but I don't have an children and our situations are actually quite different. However, there seem to be a lot of knowledgeable and helpful people on these boards. The only thing I would suggest is that you post in your own thread.


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## up in arms (Sep 4, 2012)

Incognito007 said:


> The only thing I would suggest is that you post in your own thread.


Thanks. I will do that.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Are you really married or....just room mates? 

Yep, been there done that. A few years of little sex, no attention, ignored, not happy. Got the we're just room mates and I might as well move out speech. It wasn't fun listening to that. Read a lot of books, listen to a posters here, did a lot if work. Really married again, things better than ever. Whew, thank God that worked! Don't know how far along you are, but have hope that it can be done.


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## studley (Oct 19, 2011)

Cee Paul said:


> So I'm sure I'm not the only one out there who's marriage has become or feels like a _roomate_ arrangement more than it does a loving relationship, and for me that's about where I am at now in my married life.


Same here. No sex, no affection. May as well be living with just my pets.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Cee Paul said:


> For us we will either have to get some serious counseling to try and get back to square one, or the next step is the moving out and seperating process unfortuneatly.


 So sad. Do you think your spouse will be receptive to counseling?


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

studley said:


> Same here. No sex, no affection. May as well be living with just my pets.


I'm very sorry to hear that.

Are you two making exit plans? In counseling? Committed to bring back the spark?


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

A good book to start with is Divorce Busting, by Michelle Weiner Davis. You can read it, and start to apply the ideas in it by yourself. Once you start to act differently, your spouse will probably act differently too, but one of you needs to take the bull by the horns, and start! Other books that I've found useful are the 7 principles for making marriage work, John Gottman. Stop calling him honey and start having sex, Maggie Arana and Juliwnne Davis. Fight less, Love more, Laurie Puhn.

Once your partner is interested in sex again, you can make it better with Slow sex, Nicole Daedone, and some titles from the Cleis Press line up!


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## Aggie (Sep 5, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> So I'm sure I'm not the only one out there who's marriage has become or feels like a _roomate_ arrangement more than it does a loving relationship, and for me that's about where I am at now in my married life.


I start feeling like that when we haven't had sex for a while. Also, it has helped me when I "show that I care" by doing small things and give her compliments. Living together without showing affection really isn't all that different from just being roommates.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

The little things really are the key, everyday. That's what's going to make it or break it in the end.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

So far she has not been open to counseling unless I go first - alone; but she has opened up and said that sooooo many hurtful and insulting things have been said by me that no apology is going to help, and that she just can't get past a lot of it and look at me the same way anymore.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> So far she has not been open to counseling unless I go first - alone; but she has opened up and said that sooooo many hurtful and insulting things have been said by me that no apology is going to help, and that she just can't get past a lot of it and look at me the same way anymore.



It is important that you realize that you are the only person you can control or change. If you have a problem in the marriage, you need to change yourself. Maybe you need to exit the marriage ultimately, it depends, but you can't just sit there hoping or demanding that the other person changes. That is guaranteed to fail.


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## Introubledeep (Mar 22, 2012)

Currently just roommates for me, soon to be separated and almost certainly heading for a divorce 

I have lived through almost 9 years of being ignored or despised. I slept in a single bed most nights for 8 years while my wife slept in bed with my daughter. We went for periods of up to 2 years with no sex, and for the rest of the time sex was about 3 or 4 times a year, and I now understand begrudingly given. No affection beyond a peck kiss on the cheek or a quick hug, although I was often pushed away.

We talked about lots of things, but never anything personal, intimate or close. ROOMMATES!

I finally woke up to what was going on, and I put the brakes on hard early this year and told her I wanted to move out. We went to Counselling, things improved a bit, but more importantly I got a handle on the wierd dynamics of our relationship. For a few weeks we started having sex regularly until I realised that her heart was absolutely not in it, I think she was just trying to hold onto me, presumably for financial reasons. Things soon froze again, we haven't had sex for 3 months now, and now I don't want to have sex with her at all. I don't feel any affection for her at all. We have not discussed anything about our thoughts or feelings for months, and she thinks that is fine, but I don't. I'm done.

The underlying issues have not been resolved, she does not wish to do any further Counselling to deal with her issues that make her incapable of any real emotional bonding or intimacy. This is not going to change, or at least I can't make it change.

I now know that the room mate state of affairs is not healthy or sustainable in the long term, not unless you are willing to be unhappy and unfulfilled. It comes to the point that I am leaving not simply because "I want to be happy", it is now a matter of self preservation. It has been soul destroying for me, and I can't do it anymore.

Based on my 10 years of suffering and hard won experience, my advice would be do not procrastinate because things only get worse, do something about it NOW! 

Roommate syndrome is usually only a symptom of underlying problems. Deal with the problems. Make the decision to bring about change, radical change if necessary. Early this year I made the decision to try to fix my marriage, and if I couldn't successfully do that, to end my marriage, but I was not going to tolerate being in a loveless and sexless marriage anymore. I wish I had made that decision many years ago, maybe I wouldn't be facing a separation and divorce now. If it had resulted in a divorce many years ago, I wouldn't have wasted so many precious years only to end up with the same outcome - divorce.

Don't just suffer, make clear and decisive moves to fix the underlying problems in the relationship. The worst thing you can do is do nothing.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

The thing is I do NOT want a roomate and have never had one in my lifetime, because since leaving the nest about 22 years ago I have either lived by myself in various apartments, or lived with a girl that I was either involved with or married to of course. So to put it bluntly I am STILL not wanting a roomate at this point in my life - and I've told her this.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> The thing is I do NOT want a roomate and have never had one in my lifetime, because since leaving the nest about 22 years ago I have either lived by myself in various apartments, or lived with a girl that I was either involved with or married to of course. So to put it bluntly I am STILL not wanting a roomate at this point in my life -* and I've told her this.*



When you tell her this, what is her response?


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

jaquen said:


> When you tell her this, what is her response?


Same as always: she either tells me that I have a lot of things to work on and things might change, or she just attempts to change the subject all together. :banghead:


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> Same as always: she either tells me that I have a lot of things to work on and things might change, or she just attempts to change the subject all together. :banghead:


Lawd. You're a good man. I'm surprised you haven't thrown yourself, or her, out the nearest window!


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> Same as always: she either tells me that I have a lot of things to work on and things might change, or she just attempts to change the subject all together. :banghead:


So what is your response to this? Do nothing, let the situation fester some more, build up resentment until you can't stand it anymore, then go demand that she must change again?


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Cee Paul said:


> Same as always: she either tells me that I have a lot of things to work on and things might change, or she just attempts to change the subject all together. :banghead:


So accept her valuable input, get to work an those things already and get yourself a better attitude while you're at it. My wife would love to see herself in your wife's shoes. She (my wife) even seems to believe that there is some kind of female ascendancy gained by controlling the marriage relationship and putting the man in his place (which is where you are). But this is just not the way it's going to happen here.

Since you are not able to get her off the dime, my humble suggestion is some kind of personal enhancement is needed on your part to get yourself into the position of personal strength that will be needed to have any chance of affecting your wife in a positive fashion. Myself, I've been to plenty of counseling both alone and with my wife. I have a daily self improvement program in effect while my wife sits around watching tv. Brother, you have some seriously heavy emotional lifting in front of you and if you're going to be up to the task, you need to start getting ready now.


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## Oregondaddy (Feb 10, 2012)

oh for me and my wife.. right now definately "roomates" or friends with benefits. I'm not sure what the answer is, seems we are both treading water till the last kid leaves then we'll simply go our separate ways....:scratchhead:


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Oregondaddy said:


> oh for me and my wife.. right now definately "roomates" or friends with benefits. I'm not sure what the answer is, seems we are both treading water till the last kid leaves then we'll simply go our separate ways....:scratchhead:


Have you tried to rebuild?


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## Oregondaddy (Feb 10, 2012)

no not really.. I don't either of us really want to.. like we are both biding our time till the credits roll...


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Oregondaddy said:


> no not really.. I don't either of us really want to.. like we are both biding our time till the credits roll...


That's kind of sad. Do you remember why you got married in the first place?


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

We go through periods of time where it feels like we are purely roommates and right now is one of those times. 
It can definitely be troublesome.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

We were this way for about 4 months before Hubs left last summer 

It was apparent that there was trouble, but neither of us spoke about it. STUPID STUPID STUPID!


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

It is worse than troublesome, if you don't fix it, one or both partners will check out of the relationship one way or another, sooner or later.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

Just wanted to let you know....the just living as roommates is what came out of my husband's mouth the day I busted him from an emotional affair.

Please let your wife know that. I only wish that he had told me before he had the affair. I would have done anything for him not to be put in that position. On a good note, we are still together and I am doing everything possible for us to not get to just roommates again. Guess what....the sex is even better than before.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> So accept her valuable input, get to work an those things already and get yourself a better attitude while you're at it. My wife would love to see herself in your wife's shoes. She (my wife) even seems to believe that there is some kind of female ascendancy gained by controlling the marriage relationship and putting the man in his place (which is where you are). But this is just not the way it's going to happen here.
> 
> Since you are not able to get her off the dime, my humble suggestion is some kind of personal enhancement is needed on your part to get yourself into the position of personal strength that will be needed to have any chance of affecting your wife in a positive fashion. Myself, I've been to plenty of counseling both alone and with my wife. I have a daily self improvement program in effect while my wife sits around watching tv. Brother, you have some seriously heavy emotional lifting in front of you and if you're going to be up to the task, you need to start getting ready now.


I think you're under the impression that I just sit there like a lil puppy and take it and say nothing, but nothing could be farther from the truth than that. Because as anyone who follows my posts knows it's been a never ending verbal battle with her and I that usually gets very loud and very insulting, so if and when I attend counseling it will be to work on how to stay _calm_ and not lose it when she's being a difficult pain in my butt, because biting my tongue has been very hard for me to do most of my life.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

We were room mates, that is why I ended the marriage. Looking back now it was for the best, he was never going to be the man I need and I was never going to be the woman he needs. We have remained good friends which I am very happy about, we were together for almost 20 years and I still think he is a wonderful man.
I just wish I had of ended it sooner but that is life, we are both very happy now and co parent exceptionally well.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Introubledeep said:


> The underlying issues have not been resolved, she does not wish to do any further Counselling to deal with her issues that make her incapable of any real emotional bonding or intimacy. This is not going to change, or at least I can't make it change.



Have you married my wife?  We've only done some marriage counselling, but she refuses to go to proper therapy for her issues. She was pretty frank about this. So, I've hit a wall. Staying for the kids, at the moment. We are civilised and we get on, so it's a shame that our relationship will never be the same. I miss it a lot and my marriage has been the biggest disappointment of my life for me. But I can't force her to do what she doesn't want to do. She told me I can leave if I am that unhappy. I'm just concentrating on myself, my job and the kids right now. We'll see what happens!


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> I think you're under the impression that I just sit there like a lil puppy and take it and say nothing, but nothing could be farther from the truth than that. *Because as anyone who follows my posts knows it's been a never ending verbal battle with her and I that usually gets very loud and very insulting, so if and when I attend counseling it will be to work on how to stay calm and not lose it when she's being a difficult pain in my butt, because biting my tongue has been very hard for me to do most of my life.*


Then why all the arguing if you know it doesn't work? Why haven't you started counseling then? Don't let yourselves get past the point of no return. You've read the effects of letting things go on too long. Do it.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> Then why all the arguing if you know it doesn't work? Why haven't you started counseling then? Don't let yourselves get past the point of no return. You've read the effects of letting things go on too long. Do it.


The arguing takes place because we have lost all control over our mouths and opinions around each other, and that is a big part of the reason for our troubles in that we are both very outspoken people that still allow independent thoughts to enter into our heads I guess.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> The arguing takes place because we have lost all control over our mouths and opinions around each other, and that is a big part of the reason for our troubles in that we are both very outspoken people that still allow independent thoughts to enter into our heads I guess.


You both need to stop the resentment, it's just a cycle that never ends. Take it from me, been there, done that. One of you needs to step up and stop it. If you can't on your own, get into therapy to learn how to stop. Believe me, if you don't, one of you will stop it be leaving. Good luck.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> You both need to stop the resentment, it's just a cycle that never ends. Take it from me, been there, done that. One of you needs to step up and stop it. If you can't on your own, get into therapy to learn how to stop. Believe me, if you don't, one of you will stop it be leaving. Good luck.


It's a mess that even Mr. Clean wants no part of right now, so therapy is probably going to have to happen - and very very soon.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

When you say therapy, for whom do you mean?


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

SadandAngry said:


> When you say therapy, for whom do you mean?


For both of us but it's looking more and more like I'll have to go first.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Now you are starting to get it. The only person you control is you. The only person you can change is you. If you have a problem, the solution is for you to change, not the other person. Waiting for the other person to change is how couples descend into the roommate syndrome. You want your problem to get resolved, fix yourself, maybe your partner will wake up, maybe not, but you owe it to yourself to do something different.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

SadandAngry said:


> Now you are starting to get it. The only person you control is you. The only person you can change is you. If you have a problem, the solution is for you to change, not the other person. Waiting for the other person to change is how couples descend into the roommate syndrome. You want your problem to get resolved, fix yourself, maybe your partner will wake up, maybe not, but you owe it to yourself to do something different.


I read something the other day where someone in a bad marriage said that "I keep trying to change for the better but it's like walking into a room with a new white suit on, and the other person keeps throwing mud all over it!" That's what I'm afraid might happen that each time I try and make progress that I'll get dragged back into my old ways with her.


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

InsaneInLove....she will never have any"magic" for you as long as she uses you for a door mat.A woman needs someone who is strong not weak. Down deep she wants and NEEDS to respect you, as long as you let her walk on you, that's not going to happen,


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

I can understand that. You already know the old ways don't work though. You know where you will end up if you keep using the same strategies, but now we have also warned you that it will get even worse sooner or later. Make an appointment for yourself, talk about your situation, go from there. If you'd like a headstart, I suggest you get Divorce Busting by Michelle Weiner Davis and read it. Also Fight Less, Love More, by Laurie Puhn.

It is all the little things that you can do differently that will make a big difference. It seems hard to believe, but it's true. Believe me, I've been there, done that. We nearly destroyed our marriage waiting for each other to do what we wanted, it doesn't work.


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

OP....It doesn't do any good to know how to solve problems ( what you have learned here)........ If you don't APPLY it. Also get and read the books -SadandAngry- suggested.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> So I'm sure I'm not the only one out there who's marriage has become or feels like a _roomate_ arrangement more than it does a loving relationship, and for me that's about where I am at now in my married life.


I get this feeling now and again, which is sad considering that we are newlyweds.  It has amazed me as to how much changed after we got married and I no longer feel like my husband is the same man. The once loving, affectionate man just treats me like his roommate. It's been an uphill battle every since we got married and I hope this changes soon.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Hope won't work. Action will. Get those books I mentioned, read them, do the stuff in them. You. He doesn't even have to participate, you do it. Once you finish those two books, get John Gottman's U Principle for Making Marriage work. 

Take action! If you wait for your husband to magically 'get it' and change, you'll be doomed. Do it for you, you deserve an amazing marriage don't you? Well you need to make it, everyone does, they don't just happen!


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

my husband were like room mates at the time when we seperated. we only had the one bed and the one room, we kind of slept in shifts. we would be in the same room, but be a million miles apart.

we didnt cook together or eat together. i dont know how long it lasted, but it went down hill, we still had sex right up until the end, so maybe it was hard to call it quits.

i never did say anything, he was the one to say this has to change, and he walked out. to this day, i dont know if it was the worst thing or the best thing to happen.

i wont let it happen again. now i do speak up if i think we have a problem.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Anonymous07 said:


> I get this feeling now and again, which is sad considering that we are newlyweds.  It has amazed me as to how much changed after we got married and I no longer feel like my husband is the same man. The once loving, affectionate man just treats me like his roommate. It's been an uphill battle every since we got married and I hope this changes soon.


Yeah that's a bit earlier than us because we are 7 years into our marriage and been together 8 years, but it all started going downhill after about 4 years in I guess and has gotten worse every month that goes by.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Pandakiss said:


> my husband were like room mates at the time when we seperated. we only had the one bed and the one room, we kind of slept in shifts. we would be in the same room, but be a million miles apart.
> 
> we didnt cook together or eat together. i dont know how long it lasted, but it went down hill, we still had sex right up until the end, so maybe it was hard to call it quits.
> 
> ...


Still together? What happened, what changed?


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

It will continue to slowly get worse if you do nothing. Both of you will become vulnerable, one of you will let your boundaries slide with some one, and then it will get way, way worse, really, really fast.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

SadandAngry said:


> Still together? What happened, what changed?



Yep still together. It's been about 22 years. 

He left me. I wanted him back so I stopped being a dumb ass. It's way more complicated than that but that's the black and white of it. 

We had the harsh talk....both of us are not irreplaceable. Neither of us will have a sexless marriage. He and I both said, "you and I can be great friends, but I don't have to marry a friend". 

We can hang out, and mall and talk on the phone, just from different addresses. 

That is just our bottom line. Sex will happen. We will spend time together. We will talk everyday, not just kids/bills, "us". 

Both of us have to open up problems. No more hiding. Right fighting. Talking about resentments. 

There are just a few deal breakers. Sex, and no communicating are the big ones. He and I have to show the same commitment value to being here. I won't be in a one sided relationship. 

Recognize there is a difference in "listening" and "hearing". Speak honestly, and know that it dosent imply cruelty. Respect goes far. His is my equal and I am his equal. 

And speaking up is so important. If you felt hurt then say so.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

SadandAngry said:


> Hope won't work. Action will. Get those books I mentioned, read them, do the stuff in them. You. He doesn't even have to participate, you do it. Once you finish those two books, get John Gottman's U Principle for Making Marriage work.
> 
> Take action! If you wait for your husband to magically 'get it' and change, you'll be doomed. Do it for you, you deserve an amazing marriage don't you? Well you need to make it, everyone does, they don't just happen!


I've read tib bits from exerts of the books and will try to work on those. I don't always have the motivation though because I get discouraged often when he complains a lot and puts me down when I am trying hard to make him happy and have our marriage in a better place. I don't want to give up, so I'll continue working on it. Thanks. 



Cee Paul said:


> Yeah that's a bit earlier than us because we are 7 years into our marriage and been together 8 years, but it all started going downhill after about 4 years in I guess and has gotten worse every month that goes by.


Yea, this is way too early to have issues. I wouldn't say my marriage is bad or horrible, but it's not that great either. We have some good days, but a lot of it is a struggle.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You can't really make him happy, so to speak, its kind of setting yourself up to fail if you frame it that way. If money was tight and I had to choose just one, the book would be divorce busting to start for me.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Runs 
Does she know that?


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Isn't being married to you roommate Great! I am in the same boat =(


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