# HELP! Fiance cheated 2 years ago- wedding in 2 months! what to do!?



## fatalite (Aug 20, 2012)

I need help.

Ok, I will try to keep this as short as possible with the informations needed. 

My fiance and I got engaged in May this year after a 5 year long-distance relationship between the U.S. and Europe. Our wedding is planned for the end of October this year. 2 more months to go. Two days ago he confessed that he has cheated on me 2 years ago. We had a "rocky" time that year, going off and on with the relationship because of so many troubles (tired of the stress that lingers on the long distance, he had financial problems after loosing his job the prior year....). However, no excuse. On a night out with his friend they got drunk and he kissed a coworker. A week later they went out together and he stayed the night. She gave him a .......... 
he said he stopped after that night, knowing he made a huge mistake and that he wanted to be with me only. I know they chatted sometime at work. He said he didn't tell me earlier because I was afraid to loose me.

Anyway. I feel numb- I have no clue what I am feeling right now other than feeling very sick, grossed out and hurt. Should I consider that it was a tough year and 2 years ago!? I asked him how i can trust him not doing the same when we have problems in our marriage. He said he has changed, that we have come soooo far and that he would never do that ever again. I am rough on him right now but my gut tells me that he is saying the truth. He appologized countless times. I know it is true- Over the last year our relationship has progressed a lot. The long distance was a huge pressure on us- especially in the year he cheated. We found a way just last year to make it work for both of us.

Over the last 6 months we were planning for him to move to Europe. He gave up is apartment and is taking language classes. We put a lot of money into moving "things". He is willing to give everything up he knows and move in a country he hardly knows. He does that because he wants to be with me (his words).

I know I have to find the answer for myself and that the expansive flights our family has booked for the wedding should not be part of my decision. I just ask for help how I can get over this, how can I make a decision?? Is there something i should consider, something I am too blind to see right now?

Thank you so much.

PS.: We are still apart, he is supposed to come here a few days prior the wedding.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

A couple of things are going to influence my answer: 

What made him tell you?
Have you ever had a time when your relationship was not long distance? 
Has he ever revealed any signs that he ever cheated on someone else? 

If he volunteered the information without being prompted or forced, I think it's a good sign that he respects you and wants to start your marriage on the right foot by ensuring honest and full communication. However, it's still worrisome that he resorted to seeing another woman, even briefly, when your relationship was troubled. Living together as husband and wife will bring difficult times that are at least as hard as that year was.

If you have never seen any other indications of him having affairs (past history, missing phone calls when he normally would be home to receive them, friends treating you differently when you're together, etc.) then you may be willing to take the change. You could also postpone your marriage to give yourself some time. Although it will mean a few hundred extra dollars per ticket for your family members, I'm sure they'd rather you be certain, confident, and happy in your marriage than go into it with doubts and fears.


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## fatalite (Aug 20, 2012)

Dear Kathy,

thank you for your response. Unfortunately I found a chat message that was suspicious and I confronted him. He then told me. He knew he has to answer every question I have and he did but I saw that he was very anxious. He kept saying he doesn't want to loose me and that he tried to tell me several times earlier. After I asked him why he didn't he said he was too scared to loose me and that he has realized that I am the only one he wanted to be with. He said "he just wanted this mistake to die (meaning what he DID)". He too said that a friend of his told him that his GF cheated on him and that he wished she would have kept it to herself. He said it made im unsure.

Yes, we have had times living togther. We saw each other in average every 3-4 months for 3 weeks each time and we lived togehter 3 months for 3 times. I know it doesn't sound like much... what can I say? We have this very intense connection from the very beginning and we both couldn't just go appart. 

I don't have any other signs of betrayal in those 5 years. Of course I start wondering now about this or that but if I am honest to myself and if I can trust my gut there was nothing else. But who knows!? As said- I feel numb.

I told him that we will have difficult times in the marriage and he knows that but he keeps saying that he realized that he wants to be with me only. He asks me what he can do to possible salvage our relationship and wedding. He seems truly sorry and keeps saying that but still.....Our relationship has progressed so much in the last year but I don't know what direction to go right now.

postponing the wedding also means postponing to finally live together. after 5 years, it is getting a little too long..... I am not sure if postponing means the same as just giving up the relationship.

thank you!

for your information: I am 28, he is 34.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

My take is that you should postpone the wedding. He did not volunteer the information, he intended to keep it secret forever. I personally am against secrets in a marriage, and especially one so important to the other person as their partner cheating. You have the right to make a fully informed decision about the character of the person you marry, but he was intending to take that ability away from you.

If he has told you the entire truth would be happy to marry him? Let's assume there were zero doubt about it being the complete truth. Is this someone you would be willing to marry at this time? Consider both parts of the situation, that he cheated and that he was not ever going to tell you.

Let's change it up a bit. If your closest friend or your sister were in this position, would you recommend she marry the guy?

You could have him do a polygraph to ensure that you have the entire truth. IMO it is trust which is the bedrock upon which a marriage is built. If you have trust you can then move to the next level. Until you know you have the entire truth you may always have nagging doubts. And then there is the specter of can you trust he will never cheat again.

I have daughters only a few years younger than you. I would advise my own daughters to cancel the wedding and ditch the guy.


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## jelichmann (Apr 5, 2012)

I would advise answering a couple questions for yourself:

"If he really only cheated that one time, if he told me everything there is to know about it, if he really wants to be with me and if he never cheats again, do I want to marry him?"

My guess is that the answer is, yes.

Now, which of those IF's have to be untrue for you to want to leave? Any? All?

In my opinion, your man sounds very sincere. if you decide to proceed with the marriage, I would make a couple things starkly clear up front:

First, I would make it very clear to him that once you're married, any cheating at all will mean divorce. I'm sure he already understands this, but make it clear.

Secondly, make it clear that you forgive him and that you would like to simply move on. Make it clear that you're glad you know, that you trust him, and that you love him all the same. 

Going into a marriage with an unforgiven burden like that still looming over either of you is asking for unhappiness. 

Marriage needs to mean a clean slate for him so that he isn't living with guilt all the time.

All of that being said, keep in mind that cheating is grounds for leaving. There is a saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" and it exists for a reason. 

Only you can be the judge of your fiance's sincerity, but if he IS sincere then I think you should continue with the marriage and try to put the past behind you. Is it worth throwing away years of love over this? Again, that's the question you must answer.

Sorry if this post hasn't been much help, but hopefully it got you thinking in the right direction to come to a conclusion that you're happy with.


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## fatalite (Aug 20, 2012)

Thank you so much!

It was a great help to order my thougths and feelings over the last days. Inputs and views from others who are not that emotionally involved are so important. Before I felt like loosing ground to even make a proper decision. It may take some more time for a final decision but all of your answers definitely helped and i am thankful.

I agree that there is not good start with secrets in a marriage and if I want to proceed I have to forgive him. If so, It will take a while until I can build that trust level I need and that is what I try to figure out right now. Can I possibly rebuild this trust? How long would that take? I don't want to drive both of us crazy over stupid "not trusting" actions like snoobing and calling all the time.I am sure it takes a while to rebuild trust, if even possible and i wonder about that. I assume it is different with everyone. I too wonder how big the impact will be that after the marriage we finally would live together, instead of thousands of miles apart.

Too, it is a great input that IF I forgive him, he too needs to be able to start clean in order to not feel guilty all the time. I guess that is right and I certainly didn't think about it like that. 

Thank you again!


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