# She tells me on Christmas



## Jbp628

So after months of problems, she tells me on Christmas that she cheated on me. We were in the process of working things out and wasn't going to tell me, but I caught her sending a message to some (the) guy tonight. She said she was ashamed and still wants to work things out. I am of course lost and trying to figure out what I want to do.
Confused, angry, even vengeful. Awesome feeling on Christmas!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Be smart

Sorry you are here my friend.

For a good marriage you have to have two people who are willing to try their best.

In you case you are the only one trying hard,while your wife is with this Posom.

Here is what you should do : Tell her you want to Divorce her and be happy with a woman who will respect and love you. And you do that on Christmas just like she did it to you.

Stay strong my friend.


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## MattMatt

OK. so she is ashamed. Good. Share her shame. Spread the wealth.

Is OM married?


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## SasZ79

Sorry Jbp628 you are living in North Caroline?
Google Alienation of Affection.


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## Spotthedeaddog

Txt'ing an acquaintance is no big deal. even ex's and people you're argued with.
Hiding an affair however is dishonesty - is it still active? what proof is she trusting you with to show her true remorse and entrusting you with her privacy? She only came clean because you caught her, as I say, xmas no big deal, but that dishonesty thing.... hmmm if she isn't really clean to come clean then that tells you how much you are really worth to her...


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## Jbp628

MattMatt said:


> OK. so she is ashamed. Good. Share her shame. Spread the wealth.
> 
> Is OM married?


The OM is apparently going through a divorce and she said she needed someone to talk to and it obviously led to more. They dated in high school and reconnected this past summer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## workindad

OP- sorry for the spot you are in.

Unfortunately, you can't work things out with your wife when there is another man involved in your marriage. If she's still texting/messaging him- then the affair is still on.

She wasn't going to tell you. That means that she is not sorry about the affair or for hurting you or your marriage. She's only sorry she got caught. There is a difference.

Read up on the 180- you have been in a false state of working on it.
Speak to a lawyer as soon as you can to check your options.
Get tested for STDs.
Do not have unprotected sex with her.
Exercise and eat right.
Insist on a complete timeline- expect lies, trickle truth and minimization and blameshifting. These are all standard reactions and response from waywards, tolerate none of it.
If her OM is involved, make sure his SO is informed of everything.
If you want the possibility to R, then you need to expose this and play hardball. She will respect nothing else as she has already shown she doesn't respect you, your marriage, or family.
If you want more information quickly- install a keylogger on her PC if possible and use a voice activated recorder in her car- check out the models by Sony. 
Now is a good time for a VAR as she will likely be calling POSOM to try to set their stories and back each other up as much as possible to minimize damage.

Good luck
WD


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## workindad

Jbp628 said:


> The OM is apparently going through a divorce and she said she needed someone to talk to and it obviously led to more. They dated in high school and reconnected this past summer.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Still let his soon to be ex wife know. This may be the reason they are divorcing. Your wife's affair could have been going on much longer than you know.

Also, his soon to be ex wife has a right to know should she decide to attempt any type of R with her husband.


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## Adelais

Jbp628 said:


> The OM is apparently going through a divorce and she said she needed someone to talk to and it obviously led to more. They dated in high school and reconnected this past summer.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


(Shaking my head.) Such a typical way to start up an A.


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## Welsh15

Jbp628 said:


> So after months of problems, she tells me on Christmas that she cheated on me. We were in the process of working things out and wasn't going to tell me, but I caught her sending a message to some (the) guy tonight. She said she was ashamed and still wants to work things out. I am of course lost and trying to figure out what I want to do.
> Confused, angry, even vengeful. Awesome feeling on Christmas!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Tell her to leave. Tell her friends and family. Initiate the 180 (google it). Show her the consequences. Contact attorney for advice next week. Sorry you are here


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## arbitrator

Jbp628 said:


> The OM is apparently going through a divorce and she said she needed someone to talk to and it obviously led to more. They dated in high school and reconnected this past summer.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


*So there's your problem: A reconnection with an old school flame fostered by some social media contact source!

And she had the cajones to finally break the news to you on Christmas Day to boot! Tell you what: She has been unfaithful to you and probably using you as her "Plan B!" As soon as the light of day hits the sky on Monday, get your a$$ to your family lawyers office and have her served with a petition for D ASAP!

The only reason for the confession of hers was that her mammaries were being nailed up on the wall when you caught her. She no more wants R any more than Donald Trump wants to move into the "poor house!"

Move on! You deserve so much more out of life than supporting a skank like her! 
*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Threeblessings

Jbp628 said:


> The OM is apparently going through a divorce and *she said she needed someone to talk to *and it obviously led to more. They dated in high school and reconnected this past summer.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's the problem..... she went looking for a solution outside of your relationship instead of talking to you, friends or a counsellor. She's given you a weak excuse for her choices.  She may tell you she is ashamed but is she really???? I think to be certain tell everyone you know. I have no sympathy or empathy for cheaters at all! They lie, deny and hide....and luckily you caught her in the act! It makes you wonder how far the deceit actually goes.


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## Marc878

Jbp628 said:


> The OM is apparently going through a divorce and she said she needed someone to talk to and it obviously led to more. They dated in high school and reconnected this past summer.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You cannot trust anything she tells you at this time. It's probably Cheaterspeak to keep him safe. Cheaters all lie, hide, deny!!!! A lot!

If you are smart you will do full exposure on this. His/her friends, family, especially his wife, etc. it will probably stop the affair. His wife does not know.

If she was still contacting him the affair is still on. 

If you are weak and timid at this time you lose. Do not tell her what you are doing just do it. She will be angry but if you have any hopes of saving this it's the first thing to do. 

Remember this, they are going to destroy your life, family and future. No one is going to help you will have to do this yourself.


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## Marc878

If you want to know how long this has been going on check your phone bill. You can go online and see when she started calling/texting his number as well as his calls to her.

Handle this quick and effective now. It's your only weapon except for filing.

You cannot reason with her, many cheaters go to counseling etc to cover for what they're doing.

Happens all the time
Make copies of all the evidence you find including recovering her deleted text messages off her phone (your best info)

Store them in a secure place.


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## eric1

So not trust her word that he is going through a divorce

1. Immediately tell her that you are going to need full transparency. Passwords and all websites

2. No secrets. Ask her for her phone. She'll have already deleted the messages but download a program called
Dr Fone to recover all deleted texts

3. DO NOT TELL HER but provide the recovered texts to her boyfriends wife. There is a strong change that she is lying about this. I REPEAT DO NOT SIGNAL THAT YOU ARE GOING TO CONTACT HIS WIFE OR THAT YOU DO NOT BELIEVE HER STORY.

4. Contact a lawyer. First responsibility is asking to protect yourself financially. Cheaters lie

5. Unconditional No Contact. Not even a goodbye letter (at this point). I REPEAT IF SHE CONTACTS HIM THEN YOU WILL NEED TO FILE FLR DIVORCE. She needs to be clear on the consequences.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Jbp628

My wife is on the phone with the OM's wife right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sidney2718

Jbp628 said:


> My wife is on the phone with the OM's wife right now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why would she call the OM's wife?


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## Jbp628

sidney2718 said:


> Why would she call the OM's wife?


I asked her to call her to let her know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 6301

Jbp628 said:


> I asked her to call her to let her know.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Tell her to ask the OM wife if she could rent a room for a while.


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## phillybeffandswiss

Jbp628 said:


> We were in the process of working things out and wasn't going to tell me


Minor correction, YOU were in the process, she was a lying cake eater. Now, she is a caught liar. Nothing she states now is the truth. Yes, including wanting to work it out now. If this was the case, you'd be asking for advice on reconciliation not saying she was lying and laughing behind your back.


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## happyman64

JBP

Stay calm. Be cool.

Get all the truth from your wife. Tell her to give it all to you now.

Don't make any decisions during the holidays.

Verify if she truly wants to reconcile.

Then think about what you want.

How old are you two?
How long have you been married?
Do you have any kids together?

HM


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## GusPolinski

She admitted to cheating? And you live in NC? That's good news... for you. Infidelity in NC tends to mean no alimony.

Get a good attorney and then find a way to get her to cop to having cheated via text or email. Once you've got that in hand, run -- don't walk -- to your lawyer's office to file for divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jbp628

happyman64 said:


> JBP
> 
> Stay calm. Be cool.
> 
> Get all the truth from your wife. Tell her to give it all to you now.
> 
> Don't make any decisions during the holidays.
> 
> Verify if she truly wants to reconcile.
> 
> Then think about what you want.
> 
> How old are you two?
> How long have you been married?
> Do you have any kids together?
> 
> HM


I am trying. We're currently out of state at her mother's house, so definitely not the best situation. We're scheduled to go home on Sunday, but I've asked her to drive me home tomorrow. 

We've been married 7 years. I'm in my early 40's, she in her mid 30's and we have one child together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64

Can I make a suggestion?

Go home together on Sunday.

I understand you are hurting and you are disgusted.

Stay calm. 

Obviously your wife chose the time and place to tell you....

Get all the truth. Use this weekend to your advantage.

Now is not the time for space, but to get in her face and get all the truth.

Just remain calm.

HM


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## GusPolinski

spotthedeaddog said:


> Txt'ing an acquaintance is no big deal. even ex's and people you're argued with.
> Hiding an affair however is dishonesty - is it still active? what proof is she trusting you with to show her true remorse and entrusting you with her privacy? She only came clean because you caught her, as I say, xmas no big deal, but that dishonesty thing.... hmmm if she isn't really clean to come clean then that tells you how much you are really worth to her...


For as long as she's in contact w/ her AP, the affair is ongoing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski

@Jbp628, you say that this all went down at your in-laws' house. Based on that, would it be reasonable to assume that the affair has been exposed to your wife's family?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jbp628

GusPolinski said:


> @Jbp628, you say that this all went down at your in-laws' house. Based on that, would it be reasonable to assume that the affair has been exposed to your wife's family?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It has not or at least I haven't told them. At one point she trapped me in the bedroom and wouldn't let me out (as she wanted to talk) & I told her that if she didn't let me out that I would go tell everyone right now. She let me out, so I can only assume that she hasn't told any of her family members yet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marc878

You have gotten good advice.

It's worthless unless you follow it. She needs to tell her parents now.

Sorry you are here. 

Safe travels home.


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## VeryHurt

Jbp628 said:


> So after months of problems, she tells me on Christmas that she cheated on me. We were in the process of working things out and wasn't going to tell me, but I caught her sending a message to some (the) guy tonight. She said she was ashamed and still wants to work things out. I am of course lost and trying to figure out what I want to do.
> Confused, angry, even vengeful. Awesome feeling on Christmas!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


JPB ~

Christmas Day? I could just vomit. What a piece of work!

What you need to do now is rather simple*:*

Read all of the TAM posts that you are getting and *FOLLOW* the advice.

These posters mean business and we have all been down this road of deceit and betrayal.

Keep us updated.

Oh, I can't wait until some of the seasoned TAMer's read your post.........it's gonna be a bumpy ride..........so hang on!

I am sorry that you are hurt. 

VH


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## Marc878

Jbp628 said:


> So after months of problems, she tells me on Christmas that she cheated on me. We were in the process of working things out and wasn't going to tell me, but I caught her sending a message to some (the) guy tonight. She said she was ashamed and still wants to work things out. I am of course lost and trying to figure out what I want to do.
> Confused, angry, even vengeful. Awesome feeling on Christmas!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She confessed after getting caught. She was calling him on Christmas Day!!!!!

Do yourself a big favor. 

Get all the facts, timeline and do not commit to working on the marriage until you know it all. She's not doing you any favors here. Typical cheater will blame everything on you. Bad husband, bad father to justify having a full on sex affair with another man. Common cheater script. 

Her deleted phone messages are the key if you want to know the full truth. 

Again do not waste your time rushing into a reconciliation at this time.
Think about whether you can live with the betrayal and lies first. 

Everyone is now on your time. You proceed how you want and take as much time as you need. 

This is 100% on her. It was no mistake but willingly and knowingly entered into because that's what she wanted. 

NO MATTER WHAT!


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## Jbp628

So she is saying that she has deleted all of the messages she has exchanged with the OM. They were via facebook, so I don't think I can get those back. She told me that I could have her phone, but as soon as I started going though one of her messages with one of her girl friends, she freaked out and reached for the phone. What I read was pretty much just bashing me. She said that she was just venting and I didn't need to read those. I told her BS.

anyone have any recommendations for a good divorce lawyer in Raleigh?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marc878

What you are seeing, going through is common on here. It always follows the same script.

You are in shock, sick yo your stomach and feel like you've been kicked in the stomach.

Normal. The reason is you never suspected your wife could do this. She at this time is not thinking of you only her lover. Again common.

Many come here and do nothing expected it to just go away or get better. It won't.

Take control and figure out what you want. If she's noncompliant file immediately. 

If you decide to reconcile you can always stop it. At this time she needs to see consequences. Many try to nice them back. BIG MISTAKE!!! She's been playing you and will try and continue.

Good luck, what a sh!tty Christmas present.


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## Marc878

Jbp628 said:


> So she is saying that she has deleted all of the messages she has exchanged with the OM. They were via facebook, so I don't think I can get those back. She told me that I could have her phone, but as soon as I started going though one of her messages with one of her girl friends, she freaked out and reached for the phone. What I read was pretty much just bashing me. She said that she was just venting and I didn't need to read those. I told her BS.
> 
> anyone have any recommendations for a good divorce lawyer in Raleigh?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Get the phone!!!! WTH are you doing??????????


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## VeryHurt

Do you know anyone else that recently divorced?

You need a recommendation, not just some bozo out of the yellow pages.

Is there anyone you can trust to ask?


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## Marc878

Like I said nothing but lies, better wake up now!!!!!!!!

Looks like no remourse either. 

Wake up!!!!! 

Man up, right now!!!!

There is all kinds of info on that phone. Bank on it!!!!! Recover deleted texts and store in a safe place. Adultery in NC means no alimony.

Save, copy everything. She's sorry she got caught, no remourse.

If you don't know how to get deleted texts take it somewhere and have it done. Period


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## Be smart

Hey man what are you doing ???

She cheated on you and your kids,but she is driving all of this and you are dancing to her tunes.

She FORBIDS you to look at her phone because she used to brag all over the town to her friends and YOUR friends. She used to say little lovley words to the OM (ex boyfriend) and maybe some humilate things about you.

Act my friend. Pick her phone,her e-mails, EXPOSE her Affair to her family and your family.


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## Jbp628

VeryHurt said:


> Do you know anyone else that recently divorced?
> 
> You need a recommendation, not just some bozo out of the yellow pages.
> 
> Is there anyone you can trust to ask?


Not really. We just moved, so I don't know too many people in the area.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honcho

Jbp628 said:


> So she is saying that she has deleted all of the messages she has exchanged with the OM. They were via facebook, so I don't think I can get those back. She told me that I could have her phone, but as soon as I started going though one of her messages with one of her girl friends, she freaked out and reached for the phone. What I read was pretty much just bashing me. She said that she was just venting and I didn't need to read those. I told her BS.
> 
> anyone have any recommendations for a good divorce lawyer in Raleigh?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Tell her family, might as well make it a Christmas to remember. Affairs thrive on secrecy and it appears your spouse is also doing the textbook "demonizing" with her friends and she will with family too.


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## tom67

GusPolinski said:


> She admitted to cheating? And you live in NC? That's good news... for you. Infidelity in NC tends to mean no alimony.
> 
> Get a good attorney and then find a way to get her to cop to having cheated via text or email. Once you've got that in hand, run -- don't walk -- to your lawyer's office to file for divorce.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep NC, SC, and VA to an extant are "at fault" states.
Summary... do NOT have sex with her until you see a lawyer.


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## Marc878

Jbp628 said:


> Not really. We just moved, so I don't know too many people in the area.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know Raleigh well. I'll get you some recommendations. 

Don't worry about that. I'll get it.

You worry about collecting all the info. Don't back off. She's owned you long enough. If you have to leave her at her parents do it but get that damn phone. It's the key. Her deleted texts are still in it.


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## Marc878

tom67 said:


> Yep NC, SC, and VA to an extant are "at fault" states.
> Summary... do NOT have sex with her until you see a lawyer.


I wouldn't touch her again without an STD test anyway.


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## Marc878

I'll have attourney info by Monday. You won't need it til then anyway.

I'll PM it to you.


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## tom67

Marc878 said:


> I wouldn't touch her again without an STD test anyway.


And he should set his smart phone on record on the way home and you should DNA test your kid in front of her to send a message.
Expose to her family you will look like a beaten puppy.

If she says well because you exposed I don't want to r it means she was leaving you anyway.


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## Jbp628

Marc878 said:


> I'll have attourney info by Monday. You won't need it til then anyway.
> 
> I'll PM it to you.


Thank you
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostme

It you want to go home, I say go home but make your wife tell her family why it is you want to leave earlier than planned. If she does not tell them, then you tell them sorry to cut this visit short but my wife your daughter just told me she is cheating on me, and we are going home so she can pack her stuff and leave and we will be getting a divorce.


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## Marc878

If she won't tell her parents I'd do it for her. Name him if you know 

Know this. Blood is thicker than water so they will side with her.

Prepare for cheater script. 

You combed your hair wrong, didn't give her enough gifts for Christmas, didn't love her enough so you made her go to the other man spread her legs and have the affair.

See how it is all your fault?


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## Marc878

This may be easier than you think.

If you don't have kids, incomes are close and you haven't been married long you could just walk away.

She won't get alimony anyway. You don't have enough info so.....,


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## eric1

YOU NEED POSSESSION OF HER PHONE IMMEDIATELY. Scream bloody murder in her moms house if she does not give it to you.

I REPEAT YOU NEED POSSESSION OF THIS PHONE IMMEDIATELY.

NC is an at-fault state. YOU NEED POSSESSION OF THIS PHONE IMMEDIATELY.

Tell her you're calling a family meeting if you do not get this phone immediately. Then arrange your own transportation home as soon as possible.

Just in case I was not clear GET POSSESSION OF THIS PHONE IMMEDIATELY

full No Contact and Full Tramsparency is king, but for you the potential legal implications are paramount.

IN LITERALLY NO UNIVERSE OF THOUGH SHOULD YOU NOT GET THE PHONE.

Once you have the phone safely away you can bluff that ability to recall Facebook messages.

Speak to her boyfriend's wife directly


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Marc878

eric1 said:


> YOU NEED POSSESSION OF HER PHONE IMMEDIATELY. Scream bloody murder in her moms house if she does not give it to you.
> 
> I REPEAT YOU NEED POSSESSION OF THIS PHONE IMMEDIATELY.
> 
> NC is an at-fault state. YOU NEED POSSESSION OF THIS PHONE IMMEDIATELY.
> 
> Tell her you're calling a family meeting if you do not get this phone immediately. Then arrange your own transportation home as soon as possible.
> 
> Just in case I was not clear GET POSSESSION OF THIS PHONE IMMEDIATELY
> 
> full No Contact and Full Tramsparency is king, but for you the potential legal implications are paramount.
> 
> IN LITERALLY NO UNIVERSE OF THOUGH SHOULD YOU NOT GET THE PHONE.
> 
> Once you have the phone safely away you can bluff that ability to recall Facebook messages.
> 
> Speak to her boyfriend's wife directly
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


You may be able to trade info with OM'S wife if it's an alimony case. She may not know about text recovery so you could just snatch it later after you get home. I'll bet it's all on there. If alimony is in the mix


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## Thundarr

Jbp628 said:


> So after months of problems, she tells me on Christmas that she cheated on me. We were in the process of working things out and wasn't going to tell me, but I caught her sending a message to some (the) guy tonight. She said she was ashamed and still wants to work things out. I am of course lost and trying to figure out what I want to do.
> Confused, angry, even vengeful. Awesome feeling on Christmas!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm sorry man. There is no reconciliation when someone spills the beans Christmas day.


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## GusPolinski

Jbp628 said:


> So she is saying that she has deleted all of the messages she has exchanged with the OM. They were via facebook, so I don't think I can get those back. She told me that I could have her phone, but as soon as I started going though one of her messages with one of her girl friends, she freaked out and reached for the phone. What I read was pretty much just bashing me. She said that she was just venting and I didn't need to read those. I told her BS.
> 
> anyone have any recommendations for a good divorce lawyer in Raleigh?


It's odd that she'd admit to all comms w/ OM having taken place via FB. I wouldn't believe it anyway. Take the phone and perform data recovery.

What kind of phone is it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski

tom67 said:


> Yep NC, SC, and VA to an extant are "at fault" states.
> Summary... do NOT have sex with her until you see a lawyer.


This is very, Very, VERY important, as having sex w/ her now that her affair has been discovered, from a legal perspective, may be seen as reconciliation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jbp628

GusPolinski said:


> It's odd that she'd admit to all comms w/ OM having taken place via FB. I wouldn't believe it anyway. Take the phone and perform data recovery.
> 
> What kind of phone is it?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She has an iphone & don't worry, I am not planning on touching her in the least bit.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marc878

Jbp628 said:


> She has an iphone & don't worry, I am not planning on touching her in the least bit.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you can do a quick back up on iTunes or iCloud you can get the deleted texts from there as well I think.


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## jsmart

Marc878 said:


> If she won't tell her parents I'd do it for her. Name him if you know
> 
> Know this. Blood is thicker than water so they will side with her.
> 
> Prepare for cheater script.
> 
> *You combed your hair wrong, didn't give her enough gifts for Christmas, didn't love her enough so you made her go to the other man spread her legs and have the affair.*
> 
> See how it is all your fault?


So true, you need to expose now. If she's been bad mouthing you to her friend, she probably been doing it with others as well. You need to get in front of this.

Her old boyfriend is perfect, you don't load the dishwasher properly and you leave toilet seat up. Yes, he's a cheating [email protected] who doesn't respect other peoples marriages but that pales in comparison to your faults.

Stop being so timid and take that phone get all the info from it. She lost her privacy rights when she had her uterus & tonsils splashed by POS. You need this info to file D mentioning infidelity as the reason. 

Expose to all. Go shock and awe because she's plotting on leaving you for POS. It probably won't work, but that doesn't stop WWs from blowing up marriages. More than likely POS is using the divorce story as a way to get sympathy from your wife. A VERY COMMON tactic MM on the prowl use to pry open the legs of other men's wives.


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## jim123

Can rent a car to get home like an Enterprise or something. 
Expose the affair. She is already rewriting the M to her friends.


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## GusPolinski

jim123 said:


> *Can rent a car to get home like an Enterprise or something.*
> Expose the affair. She is already rewriting the M to her friends.


They'll pick you up!

:lol: :rofl:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67

Ugh move fast like this guy http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/300474-wife-no-longer-interested-me-sex-39.html


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## EleGirl

I don't know.. all this talk about causing a scene at the in-laws place. Not a good idea.

Your wife could decide to say at the inlaws and keep your kid there. That will cause you legal issues.

You want to get your kid back to NC where you live. Then see an attorney to file for divorce and to include in the divorce papers that are filed that she cannot remove the children from the state, even from the marital home until there is a custody hearing.

You need the name of the OM. You say that your wife called the OM's wife? How do you know that she actually talked to the OM's wife? Were you on the line? You need to call the OM's wife and find out what she knows.

Then you need to download all of the messages on her phone. And see what you can recover from facebook. I think that you can recover deleted messages.

Then, after you have it all set up with your attorney, and the attorney has the proof of infidelity.. that's when you have her served with the divorce papers. That's when she finds out about the divorce. 

People on here are suggesting that you act rash. That will only case you more problems in the future.


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## OldWolf57

Sorry you here man, but want to share a few things.

The affair was why there was problems. You just didn't know it.

His D is not coming thru fast enough, or he has no interest in jumping into another marriage, is why she is faking the remorse.

BUT, she never said it was over anyway did she ? Nope, she just admitted she cheated. 
So you better believe the A was going on all this time.
Why else would she be texting him while with her family.

She has been pretending to get alone with you these few months, cause of reasons above, bank on it.

As was also said, you need evidence for court.

So calm down and back off for now and start the 180.

You said Iphone, so that mean itune account.
Yeah she deleted the msg's, but don't believe for a minute it was only on facebook.
Get into that itune account, the fone backup just about every time you charge them.
She can factory reset her fone, but she can't wipe itune.


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## OldWolf57

Almost forgot this,, don't believe anything coming out of her mouth !!
AND this, her friend know of the A. She talks to her about it, that's why she snatched the fone back.

Calling his wife and informing her, helps her case getting him free sooner.
So please don't take that as remorse.
She has been 5 steps ahead of you all this time.

But now,,, you got these people on here, and you will come out all right my man.


----------



## Marc878

EleGirl said:


> I don't know.. all this talk about causing a scene at the in-laws place. Not a good idea.
> 
> Your wife could decide to say at the inlaws and keep your kid there. That will cause you legal issues.
> 
> You want to get your kid back to NC where you live. Then see an attorney to file for divorce and to include in the divorce papers that are filed that she cannot remove the children from the state, even from the marital home until there is a custody hearing.
> 
> You need the name of the OM. You say that your wife called the OM's wife? How do you know that she actually talked to the OM's wife? Were you on the line? You need to call the OM's wife and find out what she knows.
> 
> Then you need to download all of the messages on her phone. And see what you can recover from facebook. I think that you can recover deleted messages.
> 
> Then, after you have it all set up with your attorney, and the attorney has the proof of infidelity.. that's when you have her served with the divorce papers. That's when she finds out about the divorce.
> 
> People on here are suggesting that you act rash. That will only case you more problems in the future.


Good point OP, call OM'S wife yourself, nothing but lies coming at you now. Besides you can share Info!


----------



## Divinely Favored

You need to recover those deleted messages. Lock your self in a room with the phone. Get the evidence copied and file under adultry then sue HIS ass since you live in North Carolina. VAR yourself immediately and discuss the affair so its on tape. Make her write a timeline including details, who knew? I bet GF is toxic and was encouraging her as she most likely was making justification too your wife.

Tell the family and talk to OM's wife yourself, without your wife there any w/o her knowledge. Why did she cal her alone......it should have been on speaker with you listening. How do you even know it was wife she talked to and not some girlfriend or POSOM losing as the wife on other end. Talk to OM BS yourself.

Sue his azz!


----------



## Forest

You're getting inundated right now, but just a couple things to remember:

1. No matter how remorseful she seems, the time will soon come when you're told that she did this because of something you failed to do. She needed attention, compliments, a friend, a milkshake, whatever. Maybe she did, but committing adultery is a complete backstabbing, hateful form of betrayal. Its BS that has no excuse. Its what a selfish and uncaring person does. That leads to:

2. Rage. It will arrive in the coming weeks, so don't make any promises, resolutions, or profound announcements in the meantime. Decisions on you and your future should be made by you. Your wife has demonstrated she is unable to make important decisions.


----------



## GusPolinski

Jbp628 said:


> She has an iphone & don't worry, I am not planning on touching her in the least bit.


I hope you have an iron resolve, because she'll likely pull out all the stops to get you to f*ck her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## HobbesTheTiger

Hi. I'm sorry you're faced with this, but it's great you found this site. You'll get lots of advice here, mostly good, take what you want and ignore the rest. The advice you've received thus far is very good.

Having said that, here's some of my advice&questions: 
1. Go see a GOOD lawyer IMMEDIATELY! Don't let her know you've been to see one. Just so you know your options.

2. Go buy a VAR (voice activated recorder) or a GoPro thingy immediately and use it to record all your interactions with her. She might try to falsely accuse you of domestic violence to the police. Better safe than sorry, and there have been betrayed husbands here who were hit with false DV charges. If possible, get a friend or a relative to stay with you in your house until one of you moves out (DO NOT MOVE OUT without your attorney giving the green light).

3. Start documenting your and her care for the kid immediately. I recommend you be as detailed as possible, and I recommend you send the details of the day every day to a good friend of yours or to an alternate e-mail account so you will have time-stamped proof in case of a custody battle.

4. Set up individual counselling for yourself IMMEDIATELY! You need professional help in dealing with this level of betrayal&shock. Find someone with experience in infidelity and/or PTSD. That was paramount in bearing the pain and healing myself.

5. Go see your doctor about STD testing. Be aware that if you have sex with her, you risk getting an STD and/or getting her pregnant, and also jeopardizing the option of divorcing on the grounds of adultery. 

6. Confide in your friends&family about this. You need and deserve their support. Have you told any of them yet of her cheating?

7. How certain are you that your wife called the OM's wife and not some other woman and lied to you about her being OM's wife? Please, contact the OM's wife yourself. 

8. Make sure you eat, sleep and exercise as much as possible. If you're having trouble, talk to your doctor or a pharmacist. DO NOT DRINK ALCOHOL. It's way too easy to spiral out of control. I stopped myself quite close to becoming an alcoholic in the aftermath of it all.

9. Google "No more mr. nice guy pdf", it's a great book available online for free that might be a source of great strength and self-esteem for you, as it was for me. Also, google "Codependent no more pdf", also available online for free. Another great book to read on this topic is "Married man sex life primer", I'd recommend you go to the library and get a copy of it.

10. If you two will ever give her yet another chance, she needs to go to IC at least for a month before you two even consider MC together. I recommend YOU find a good IC for HER, one that you will know has a no-nonsense approach to infidelity (knows that cheating is 100% cheater's fault,...) and go to her first session with her to make sure the counsellor knows all about the cheating. Only after that should you try MC with her. Google "How to help your spouse heal linda macdonald pdf", it's a great book available online for free that might help you two tremendously. Read it on your own at first. I think it's important that you tell her that as a condition for you to attempt to reconcile with her is for her to write you a detailed timeline of the affair(s). Upon telling her, notify her you'll want her to undertake a polygraph test afterwards to ascertain you have the full truth.

11. What was her and your childhood/youth like? Please, google "Toxic parents pdf", it's a great book available online for free. Also, check out "Families and how to survive them", it opened my eyes on the topic of childhood issues and how they connect to adult relationships.

12. It will be extremely hard to not see your kid every day. However, it is much better for the kid to not see you everyday if that means that he/she won't grow up in a toxic household due to their mom's cheating, disrespect,..., where their dad is being destroyed emotionally due to mom's actions. What your kid needs to grow up emotionally happy, mature and strong young adults is to have at least a part of his/her life emotionally healthy and safe (i.e. the days he/she will spend with you), to have at least one parent (i.e. you) emotionally stable and healthy (and you can't be that if you remain with a cheating, unremorseful spouse) and to have access to a good children's therapist (it's up to you to get him/her to see a good therapist). Please, consult a good therapist for kids to hear his/her opinion before you decide to stay married to her because of the kid.

Most of all, keep talking to us, the more you talk to us, the more we can help you and support you!

Best wishes


----------



## jsmart

Divinely Favored said:


> *You need to recover those deleted messages. Lock your self in a room with the phone.* Get the evidence copied and file under adultry then sue HIS ass since you live in North Carolina. VAR yourself immediately and discuss the affair so its on tape. *Make her write a timeline including details, who knew? I bet GF is toxic and was encouraging her as she most likely was making justification too your wife.*
> 
> *Tell the family and talk to OM's wife yourself, without your wife there any w/o her knowledge. Why did she cal her alone......it should have been on speaker with you listening. How do you even know it was wife she talked to and not some girlfriend or POSOM losing as the wife on other end. Talk to OM BS yourself.*
> 
> Sue his azz!


Exactly. The call to other betrayed spouse, should have been on speaker phone with you listening. She didn't call to do the right thing and confess but as a ploy to possibly push them apart so she can ride off into sunset with POS. 

There was just a thread, about 2 weeks ago, where the OP's WW called the other betrayed wife. The convo was on speaker with all 4 parties on line. The POS through the OP's WW under the bus. The OP learned that it was much worse than what was confessed with the POS plotting on getting his WW pregnant. Of course the WW said she wasn't going to allow it but she was talking to lawyers about divorce so she was definitely plotting on leaving. She even told her BH, "you don't know what we had."

So you have to get the facts. Talk to the other betrayed wife yourself. She probably can fill holes in the story and get you a possible time line. 

As for her friends, WWs almost always have a friend egging them on to blow up their marriages. Helping them justify their actions and even covering for them. Get a VAR in your wife's car. You will be surprised how quickly you'll get info you didn't know.


----------



## Blondilocks

I can't believe that a person can be so fvcking selfish as to ruin Christmas for someone for years to come. I'd nail her to the cross just for that. Ditch her selfish, cheating azz. There is no redeeming her.


----------



## jsmart

OldWolf57 said:


> Sorry you here man, but want to share a few things.
> 
> *The affair was why there was problems. You just didn't know it.
> 
> His D is not coming thru fast enough, or he has no interest in jumping into another marriage, is why she is faking the remorse.
> 
> BUT, she never said it was over anyway did she ? Nope, she just admitted she cheated.
> So you better believe the A was going on all this time.
> Why else would she be texting him while with her family.
> 
> She has been pretending to get alone with you these few months, cause of reasons above, bank on it.*
> 
> As was also said, you need evidence for court.
> 
> So calm down and back off for now and start the 180.
> 
> You said Iphone, so that mean itune account.
> Yeah she deleted the msg's, but don't believe for a minute it was only on facebook.
> Get into that itune account, the fone backup just about every time you charge them.
> She can factory reset her fone, but she can't wipe itune.


You thought things were improving but she was just biding her time, throwing you off the scent, because POS was needing more time. 

I've read threads of so many WW on LS's OW section. These women posting for advice and moral support on wanting to breakup long term marriages with families to get together with some old boyfriend they just reconnected with on FB after 20 years. Without failure, these woman rewrote their marital history to make their BHs seem awful while the POS that was being unfaithful to his family was perfect.

I bring these things up because you're new to this and are feeling overwhelmed. But TAMers have seen and read it all. Not just here but on similar forums. Once you've spent time on these boards you see the patterns. These waywards rarely deviate from the script but the same can be said of the betrayed's script. You would see it if you give yourself the time to research but right now you don't have time. Men in particular have to be strong and decisive with D or R. Both directions have pitfalls if not done right.


----------



## Threeblessings

GusPolinski said:


> This is very, Very, VERY important, as having sex w/ her now that her affair has been discovered, from a legal perspective, may be seen as reconciliation.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is seen as forgiveness for the affair in my part of the world.


----------



## Threeblessings

Jbp628 said:


> My wife is on the phone with the OM's wife right now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Are you sure she was actually telling the OM's wife? I mean she is liar and it would be nothing for to pretend to talk to her?????


----------



## RWB

Jbp628 said:


> So after months of problems, *she tells me on Christmas that she cheated on me.* We were in the process of working things out and wasn't going to tell me, but I caught her sending a message to some (the) guy tonight...


About a decade ago, my wife had been acting distant and angry for over a year. I suspected an affair but had no proof (soft dumb ass confront). On Christmas evening after an awful evening at her parents house, I got the...

*"This is just not working"... "We can't go on like this"... "We are not good for each other"... "I'm leaving."*

In retrospect, it all made sense. She had long since "left" the marriage, Affairs. I just happened to be the last to know. She had decided to "just" make it through Christmas for the sake of the family. Very considerate. 

Sorry for you Jbp and your Christmas Memories...


----------



## Thundarr

Blondilocks said:


> I can't believe that a person can be so fvcking selfish as to ruin Christmas for someone for years to come. I'd nail her to the cross just for that. Ditch her selfish, cheating azz. There is no redeeming her.


I can't get past that either. The personality traits someone must have to be capable of this don't seem redeemable. I mean I get it that people do desperate things but this is so self centered and non-empathetic.


----------



## LosingHim

Texting the OM on Christmas Day - she's definitely still involved. 

Look, I cheated on my husband. And then I hid it for 3 years. Mine was a one time, 60 second drunken fiasco with his best friend. I hid it because I wanted my husband, not this scum that I did this with. I told my husband I kissed him, when actually I gave him a Bj. I was too much of a pansy to tell my husband because I knew it would end my marriage.

I thought hiding it was the only way to save it. I didn't know jack about remorse, reconciliation or transparency. I thought I could sweep it under the rug and act like it never happened.

We became friends with OM again about a year later. I still talked and texted him even though we were never physically involved again. He and I never really even spoke of it again.

I thought that was ok because we both acted like it didn't happen.

It didn't hit me until my husband threatened separation that he deserved to know everything. And now I'm going through divorce/separation. And I fear it's way too late to save anything. I know it's too late to save anything right NOW, but I do have hopes of "some day".

In order to even have hopes of some day, I have to change a TON about me. My husband and I both have some issues. But I'm willing to do the work.

The work includes total transparency. It includes cutting off friendships with those people that were around that knew what happened and never told my husband. It includes a complete introspective look at myself, my attention seeking tendencies, my need to let affection and attention dictate who I am.

My husband has my social media passwords. I didn't delete ANYTHING, including the Fb messages where I *****ed about him to my friends. Because ya know what? I *****ED ABOUT HIM TO MY FRIENDS. I don't care if he sees that. As painful as it may be to him to read, he still pissed me off at times and I needed to vent. He gets full access to everything.

He takes my phone if it's laying around and looks through it. He can view my texts, my emails, my Instagram direct messages, my internet usage, ANY TIME he wants. 

I don't care because I have nothing to hide.

He has the "find my iPhone" app on my phone. He can see where I'm at at any time. I can turn this off any time I want. But I don't, because when I say I'm going to be somewhere, that's where I'm going to BE! 

I was out with coworkers Wednesday. My phone died. I left immediately because I didn't want him to think I shut my phone off to "hide". 

If I receive a text from a male, I show him and/or screen shot it immediately. 

OM tried to contact me a couple weeks ago to "talk" about some stuff. I told him off. Told him we weren't friends any more, that I wouldn't be around and the fact that he had contacted me discreetly via Instagram direct message was inappropriate because he was trying to contact me without my husband seeing. I told him I had nothing more to say to him but that if he felt he needed to contact me, to do it in text so that it was out in the open for my husband to SEE.

I screenshot it and sent it to my husband. Who was not happy I sent it to him, BUT, I can say that he saw it from ME and that I wasn't hiding anything.

I deleted a ton of men from my Fb account, stopped following a ton of men on Instagram. I make sure every message, every comment on social media is appropriate. If it crosses the line of inappropriate, I stop it and tell my husband.

I cut off essentially all male friendships, outside of acquaintances and I make sure those are healthy, appropriate friendships.

I didn't text ANY males Merry Christmas, outside of my dad. I did receive a Merry Christmas text from our old male neighbor (it was a group text to me and my husband) I responded to the GROUP text and said "Merry Christmas neighbor!" So my husband saw my response. I received a MC text from a mutual male friend - who I have barely spoken to since DDay - and I responded "you too". That's IT.

I only "go out" with women, or women and their husbands. I no longer talk to men in public, I barely make eye contact.

I am doing ALL of these things and my husband has ZERO interest in reconciliation right now. He has hinted he doesn't know how he will feel in the future. But right now, there is NO CHANCE. I'm doing these things any way because it's healthier for ME, and because I care enough about HIM to show him that he ****ing matters to me.

Your wife's reactions are horrible. 

Trust me, I was a delusional c*nt when I first exposed what I did. Your wife is acting similar to how I did when I exposed. 

She has no remorse, no guilt, no SENSE. And I feel I'm fully qualified to say that, because I was the same damn way. 

If your wife truly wants to fix this, to change, to save whatever the hell she can, you'll see it in her actions. Good luck!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Blondilocks

Wow, LosingHim, you really screwed up. In multiple ways, but the fact that you're trying to be a better person so you can be a decent partner one day is commendable. Your husband may never get over three years of lies and three years of being humiliated let alone the drunken fiasco (you do know that the alcohol can not be used as an excuse because alcohol didn't make you do it, right?). He may reconsider after enough time and actions have passed that he considers you safe.

Wishing you luck in your journey.


----------



## LosingHim

Blondilocks said:


> Wow, LosingHim, you really screwed up. In multiple ways, but the fact that you're trying to be a better person so you can be a decent partner one day is commendable. Your husband may never get over three years of lies and three years of being humiliated let alone the drunken fiasco (you do know that the alcohol can not be used as an excuse because alcohol didn't make you do it, right?). He may reconsider after enough time and actions have passed that he considers you safe.
> 
> Wishing you luck in your journey.


I totally screwed up. And I know alcohol is no excuse. I just did a ****ed up thing because I had no boundaries and I let OMs attention validate me while not considering my husbands feelings.

I know my husband probably won't ever get over it. I don't expect him to "get over" it. I don't deserve for him to. And I know I caused it, I own that. Trust me, every time I cry, I hear myself say "this is YOUR fault".

But I jump on these threads to give the WS perspective. To show the betrayed what the wayward is thinking, what they should be doing, why they are doing the things they are. Most betrayed don't want to hear from me. I've been dogged by a few. But I feel it's important to show them the delusion that a wayward thinks. 

The last two months have been hell for me. I hate my life and I hate myself most days. But it wasn't until I came here that I really opened my eyes to my actions. My delusions. And started really analyzing who I am and who I should be.

I say things that most people probably don't want to hear, especially betrayed people, but in my opinion, they need to see it. To analyze their WS actions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## VeryHurt

Forest said:


> You're getting inundated right now, but just a couple things to remember:
> 
> 1. No matter how remorseful she seems, the time will soon come when you're told that she did this because of something you failed to do. She needed attention, compliments, a friend, a milkshake, whatever. Maybe she did, but committing adultery is a complete backstabbing, hateful form of betrayal. Its BS that has no excuse. Its what a selfish and uncaring person does. That leads to:
> 
> 2. Rage. It will arrive in the coming weeks, so don't make any promises, resolutions, or profound announcements in the meantime. Decisions on you and your future should be made by you. Your wife has demonstrated she is unable to make important decisions.


Forest~
This "milkshake" line floored me ..........nearly wet my pants from laughter ...........thank you !!!!!! 
VH


----------



## Lilac23

Jbp628 said:


> So after months of problems, she tells me on Christmas that she cheated on me. We were in the process of working things out and wasn't going to tell me, but I caught her sending a message to some (the) guy tonight. She said she was ashamed and still wants to work things out. I am of course lost and trying to figure out what I want to do.
> Confused, angry, even vengeful. Awesome feeling on Christmas!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She tells you on Christmas? WOW! What a Merry Tide of Christmas Blessings she is! I'd have her call her parents on the ride home to fill them in on her extramarital activities. Spread the joy around!


----------



## GusPolinski

Lilac23 said:


> She tells you on Christmas? WOW! What a Merry Tide of Christmas Blessings she is! I'd have her call her parents on the ride home to fill them in on her extramarital activities. Spread the joy around!


To be fair, _she got caught_ on Christmas.

And like someone else said, given that she was texting her AP while out of town with family ON CHRISTMAS, there's just no way that this isn't an active, ongoing affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Blacksmith01

I would just leave her at her folks house. Let them know why first.


----------



## Blacksmith01

I would just leave her at her folks house. Let them know why first.


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## Thundarr

GusPolinski said:


> To be fair, _she got caught_ on Christmas.
> 
> And like someone else said, given that she was texting her AP while out of town with family ON CHRISTMAS, there's just no way that this isn't an active, ongoing affair.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes this is a current and active affair. No matter, discovery on Christmas day is a reconciliation death sentence.


----------



## ILoveSparkles

His first order of business is to get their child back to their home state. His wife could refuse to allow him to take the child and then stay with her parents. He'd probably lose access to him/her. Once they are all back at home, then that's when everything should go down, IMO.


----------



## ing

Jbp628 said:


> So after months of problems, she tells me on Christmas that she cheated on me. We were in the process of working things out and wasn't going to tell me, but I caught her sending a message to some (the) guy tonight. She said she was ashamed and still wants to work things out. I am of course lost and trying to figure out what I want to do.
> Confused, angry, even vengeful. Awesome feeling on Christmas!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Very sorry you are here. Can I just rewrite that from an outsiders perspective

It is Christmas day and tonight I caught my wife texting a guy. I knew there was a problem and had tried to talk about it. She has been lying to me and meeting a guy to drop her panties the whole time. 

After I had caught her red handed she told me that she was going to keep it a secret for as long as possible but since I caught her she was ashamed. She feels entitled to work it out with me.


----------



## the guy

ing said:


> Very sorry you are here. Can I just rewrite that from an outsiders perspective
> 
> It is Christmas day and tonight I caught my wife texting a guy. I knew there was a problem and had tried to talk about it. She has been lying to me and meeting a guy to drop her panties the whole time.
> 
> After I had caught her red handed she told me that she was going to keep it a secret for as long as possible but since I caught her she was ashamed. She feels entitled to work it out with me.


When one reads between the lines this is the reality of what went down.
This boils down to when she got caught.

And there is never a good day in confronting a cheating spouse. So with that said it was just a matter of time, and your gut telling you enough was enough......not on this day!


----------



## Jbp628

We're back in NC now. She told her family (since we left a day early) and very much like the other cheater, she is claiming only to have kissed him. I know this is total BS and have told her so. There is also more (of course)... after that, she reconnected with another friend in September at a high school reunion. She claims nothing happened, but sent texts and pictures back and forth with him. All BS and I don't believe anthing she says. I have received a couple of recommendations for lawyers (thank you!) And will be calling them on Monday morning. As others have stated, she has tried to have sex with me (the very next morning), but I declined.
I have reached out to the OM's W on Facebook and am awaiting a reply. Should I contact the OM too?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## OldWolf57

No, you have nothing to say to him.
He knew she was married. You tear as much of his world apart as you can, but never dignify him as a man worth talking to.

Look, if you going to D her butt, you don't want to be paying her alimony for years to come.
So do your detective work.
Get into itune and get retrieve those texts.
Gus can walk you thru that.

Don't know, now there's another guy.
Well if she was using the iphone to sent those pics, you may be able to get those too.

Really sorry man.

iphones backup automatic when you hook them up.
There are programs that can extract those texts.


----------



## D.H Mosquito

Jbp628 said:


> We're back in NC now. She told her family (since we left a day early) and very much like the other cheater, she is claiming only to have kissed him. I know this is total BS and have told her so. There is also more (of course)... after that, she reconnected with another friend in September at a high school reunion. She claims nothing happened, but sent texts and pictures back and forth with him. All BS and I don't believe anthing she says. I have received a couple of recommendations for lawyers (thank you!) And will be calling them on Monday morning. As others have stated, she has tried to have sex with me (the very next morning), but I declined.
> I have reached out to the OM's W on Facebook and am awaiting a reply. Should I contact the OM too?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No don't contact him it may only give him further satisfaction or more likely escalate into violence as when you meet the rage will finally kick in like it did with me and i narrowly avoided Police action and your better than that so protect yourself and only get OM wife point of view and keep everything above board with lawyers etc


----------



## Marc878

Jbp628 said:


> We're back in NC now. She told her family (since we left a day early) and very much like the other cheater, she is claiming only to have kissed him. I know this is total BS and have told her so. There is also more (of course)... after that, she reconnected with another friend in September at a high school reunion. She claims nothing happened, but sent texts and pictures back and forth with him. All BS and I don't believe anthing she says. I have received a couple of recommendations for lawyers (thank you!) And will be calling them on Monday morning. As others have stated, she has tried to have sex with me (the very next morning), but I declined.
> I have reached out to the OM's W on Facebook and am awaiting a reply. Should I contact the OM too?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, let him get a surprise but I'd bet your wife has already warned him.

In an affair a kiss= sex


----------



## Marc878

Look up serial cheater. No cure for that I'm affraid.

You really need to get the deleted texts off her phone unless you haven't been married long and your incomes are close to avoid alimony and file for adultery.

Has she been withholding sex before you found out?


----------



## tom67

Jbp628 said:


> We're back in NC now. She told her family (since we left a day early) and very much like the other cheater, she is claiming only to have kissed him. I know this is total BS and have told her so. There is also more (of course)... after that, she reconnected with another friend in September at a high school reunion. She claims nothing happened, but sent texts and pictures back and forth with him. All BS and I don't believe anthing she says. I have received a couple of recommendations for lawyers (thank you!) And will be calling them on Monday morning. As others have stated, she has tried to have sex with me (the very next morning), but I declined.
> I have reached out to the OM's W on Facebook and am awaiting a reply. Should I contact the OM too?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If FB fails, get a PI to give you the info.
Do you have her phone.


----------



## Marc878

How long married and do you have kids?


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## tom67

Marc878 said:


> How long married and do you have kids?


Please tell me no kids.


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## Marc878

There is way to tell if a cheater is lying. 

If her lips are moving


----------



## tom67

Marc878 said:


> There is way to tell if a cheater is lying.
> 
> If her lips are moving


Like a demicon or republocrat lol.


----------



## Marc878

If she initiates sex again just tell her you can't take a chance of catching an STD!!

That'll give her a dose of reality.


----------



## Jbp628

Marc878 said:


> Look up serial cheater. No cure for that I'm affraid.
> 
> You really need to get the deleted texts off her phone unless you haven't been married long and your incomes are close to avoid alimony and file for adultery.
> 
> Has she been withholding sex before you found out?


We hadn't had sex in months prior to a few weeks ago and then it picked up significantly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jbp628

tom67 said:


> Please tell me no kids.


Yes, we have 1 child
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

Jbp628 said:


> Yes, we have 1 child
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


DNA test.
Sorry you are here.


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## Marc878

She was withholding sex because she was having it with the other guy. Cheaters normally don't want to cheat on their affair partner. Sick but common


----------



## bandit.45

Good job on not taking her lies. 

She will say anything to you to make this go away. Go forward with talking to some lawyers. Given that all she does is lie to everyone, I would go ahead and file and do the 180 plan. Doing both may make her desperate enough to finally tell the truth, or it will make her go defiant and take the truth to her grave. 

I would tell the OM's wives that all you know is that they met up. Let the OWs squeeze the truth out of their husbands.

Whatever you do, do not tell your wife about anything you plan to do. Let her find out after the fact.


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## GusPolinski

Jbp628 said:


> We hadn't had sex in months prior to a few weeks ago and then it picked up significantly.


Hmm... has she been throwing up a lot?

Also, you've been married for less than 10 years, you have a young child, and (possibly) a serial cheat for a wife?

Might want to DNA that kid.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Forest

Jbp628 said:


> I have reached out to the OM's W on Facebook and am awaiting a reply. Should I contact the OM too?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The contacting the OM thing seems to have lots of opinions. Some are of the camp to not give him the time of day or head space. Others are the "do as you feel, but try to stay out of jail". Its entirely up to your judgment.

Personally, I knew I could not live with myself without confrontation. A couple of times I gave the OM the option to "come outside and settle this you coward, are you a man or a mouse" routine. Once over a speaker phone (effing idiot OM) in front of his fellow employees, once in person. Both times he went full-mouse, which helped a little bit. Not enough. He did loose a pretty high-quality job as a result, though. No one respects a coward.

In the end, there's no right answer. People will say "its your wife that did this to you...." Still, would YOU risk laying a finger on another man's wife?


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## italianjob

GusPolinski said:


> Hmm... has she been throwing up a lot?
> 
> Also, you've been married for less than 10 years, you have a young child, and (possibly) a serial cheat for a wife?
> 
> Might want to DNA that kid.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree, it does sound like she was faithful to her AP, then suspected/knew she was pregnant and wanted/wants you to think it's yours.

Is this the first time she's been acting shady in your marriage?
How old is the kid?


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## Blacksmith01

Has she been missing visits from Aunt Flow. That was the big tip off in my marriage.


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## LosingHim

I say contact the OM. Calmly tell him thank you for his part in ****ing up a marriage and family. 

Let him feel some of the pain that you are experiencing. You don't have to go full mental on him, but put the fear of god in him. 

Tell him what a snake he is. Tell him what a POS he is. Don't threaten bodily harm, but make him FEEL the wrath and pain.

One thing that makes me sick is that my OM hasn't had to pay one bit of his part in what happened with me. He gets to walk around like nothing happened and his marriage is peaches and cream. My husband STILL talks to him. They're still Fb friends, talk and text on the phone. My husband has stated their friendship is over, but still communicates with him. He has had zero consequences and walks around with zero blame.

Yes, your WIFE did this to you. As I did to my husband. But she couldn't do it alone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kobold

LosingHim said:


> I say contact the OM. Calmly tell him thank you for his part in ****ing up a marriage and family.
> 
> Let him feel some of the pain that you are experiencing. You don't have to go full mental on him, but put the fear of god in him.
> 
> Tell him what a snake he is. Tell him what a POS he is. Don't threaten bodily harm, but make him FEEL the wrath and pain.


I respectfully disagree with this advice. In your situation LosingHim the OM was your husband's best friend so just maybe that might have hurt him to hear from his former best friend, but 99% of OM are gonna roll their eyes at the BH telling them how much he's hurt their family and think to themselves "Really pal, I F'd your wife, like i give a sh*t." that's if they don't just say it out loud. And when the OM doesn't grovel and beg for the OP's forgiveness the OP is likely gonna have a hard time controlling his temper and could get himself in some legal troubles IMO.


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## sabz

Leave her, if she cheated once she will again. No point in being in a relationship where trust will be hard now. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## RWB

Kobold said:


> I respectfully disagree with this advice...
> 
> 99% of OM are gonna roll their eyes at the BH telling them how much he's hurt their family and think to themselves *"Really pal, I F'd your wife, like i give a sh*t."* that's if they don't just say it out loud.


Pretty much what I got. When I confronted the OMs (by phone, email) they could of cared less about their part in F'ing up my family. 

Their only concern was how I was going to screw up their life with exposure to their wife and children. Here the strange part... in 2 cases these OM seemed shocked that I would "rat" them out to their wives. Unknown to them, I already had. 

Here a little known fact that BS don't generally know about. We all know that Cheaters rarely if ever willingly admit to any form of cheating with the Spouse, but will readily talk about previous affairs with there current AP. Some kind of honor among thieves? 

"Your marriage has been so bad for so long just like mine, so I understand why you have been unfaithful to you lame husband." 

All nice and tidy written in the "secret" emails that no one would ever see. Except for me.


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## Blacksmith01

It has been my experience that the OM only care about how the news is going to affect them. they could care less about how it affects you or your kids.


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## Marc878

OM is partly to blame here but the real culprit is the WW. He only got what she was giving him.


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## VeryHurt

Marc878 said:


> She was withholding sex because she was having it with the other guy. Cheaters normally don't want to cheat on their affair partner. Sick but common


Marc
Is that true?
Cheaters don't want to cheat on their affair partner?


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## Marc878

VeryHurt said:


> Marc
> Is that true?
> Cheaters don't want to cheat on their affair partner?


Yes, most women can only focus on one man at a time so when they project their feelings to the OM, spouse is left out. Read. Happens all the time.


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## D.H Mosquito

Marc878 said:


> Yes, most women can only focus on one man at a time so when they project their feelings to the OM, spouse is left out. Read. Happens all the time.


It was also the same with us and wish I knew of this place back then


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## greenlupeu

Sorry about that brother, but if your relationship is of value hold on to it. Don't be the one to just give it up,trust god he will work it out. I strongly believe there is strong reason why god put you both to gether. A marriage is a commitment , for both you and your pair? to god not man. So go in prayer for your answer. God will tell u what to do. Sometimes we think we have the answer to life and only destructive way we think is the way out when we are wrong. Out of bad things good come you are the strong person help her to over come her weakness and you will have faithful wife forever. Sometime we must pick the beam out of our eye before we can move forward, or see clean what ahead for glory happiness . ? First ask you self what if was you what would you want the person to do? Forgive you and said let more on. So many questions but yet still will never give you an answer or what you are hoping to here. Let nothing make you to be unhappy for the new find peace and trust god. All things going to be find. I believe in you to do the right things.the burden is not your let it go we all have across to carry god love you.

Sent from my SM-N910T using Tapatalk


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## RWB

VeryHurt said:


> Marc
> Is that true?
> Cheaters don't want to cheat on their affair partner?


Very True when my wife was cheating on me.


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## Marc878

greenlupeu said:


> Sorry about that brother, but if your relationship is of value hold on to it. Don't be the one to just give it up,trust god he will work it out. I strongly believe there is strong reason why god put you both to gether. A marriage is a commitment , for both you and your pair? to god not man. So go in prayer for your answer. God will tell u what to do. Sometimes we think we have the answer to life and only destructive way we think is the way out when we are wrong. Out of bad things good come you are the strong person help her to over come her weakness and you will have faithful wife forever. Sometime we must pick the beam out of our eye before we can move forward, or see clean what ahead for glory happiness . ? First ask you self what if was you what would you want the person to do? Forgive you and said let more on. So many questions but yet still will never give you an answer or what you are hoping to here. Let nothing make you to be unhappy for the new find peace and trust god. All things going to be find. I believe in you to do the right things.the burden is not your let it go we all have across to carry god love you.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910T using Tapatalk


Gods word plainly says a marriage can be ended because of adultery. 

The first thing anyone should do in a case of adultery is decide if it's even possible to carry on. If it's not you should end it and move on instead of wasting time and life you can never get back. 

It's the ultimate betrayal.


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## Marc878

I'll add this as well since I've been a lifelong church member, etc.

Most pastors, preachers, religious folks are totally inept at effectively dealing with infidelity. I'm sure there may be some good ones but for the most part they pretty much suck.

You also have to watch therapists, counselors, etc. That field defonitely has its share of morons.


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## Gabriel

GusPolinski said:


> Hmm... has she been throwing up a lot?
> 
> Also, you've been married for less than 10 years, you have a young child, and (possibly) a serial cheat for a wife?
> 
> Might want to DNA that kid.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah, if she turns out to be pregnant in the next couple of months, I doubt it's yours.

OTOH, it's possible her ramped up sex with you was a one-way hysterical bonding once the affair ended. She may have been dumped, realized you were what she needed to hold on to.

I'd ask her to take a pregnancy test - and if it's positive, go to the doctor with her to have them say how far along she is. Might want to do this before you get too far with a lawyer. But don't reveal your motives to your wife.


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## Pluto2

You have a lot ahead of you.
Try to work on detachment from her. The anger is healthy, it shows you know who is responsible for the betrayal. But to get through this horrible ordeal its best to approach this from a place of icy detachment. Don't engage, don't confront. Just set your healthy boundary and every time she crosses it, correct it.

ETA:and in my opinion confronting the OM is a waste. If he's married, tell his wife. But all you will get from him is regurgitation of the lies she fed him.


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## Gabriel

Pluto2 said:


> You have a lot ahead of you.
> Try to work on detachment from her. The anger is healthy, it shows you know you is responsible for the betrayal. But to get through this horrible ordeal its best to approach this from a place of icy detachment. Don't engage, don't confront. Just set your healthy boundary and every time she crosses it, correct it.


This.

You need to go ice cold, brother. Resist any future feminine temptation from her. You need to be all business with her and be extra attentive to your child.


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## greenlupeu

I only will say things which is the profoundly not to condemned No one. that you will not be condenn, what are we for christ. I am to carry is message with righteousness he said let all vengeance t o him . If this is your desire to divorce yes because of adultery well go ahead. But remember this when all the accusers ready to condemned the woman who comitted adultery what jesus said to her if there is any one among us that is not sin let him cost the first stone, all disappear. It mean we all are sin and if u forgive her who is there to condemn your loveable wife. I say no more bro I believe in you too. Be bless.

Sent from my SM-N910T using Tapatalk


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## Chaparral

LosingHim said:


> I totally screwed up. And I know alcohol is no excuse. I just did a ****ed up thing because I had no boundaries and I let OMs attention validate me while not considering my husbands feelings.
> 
> I know my husband probably won't ever get over it. I don't expect him to "get over" it. I don't deserve for him to. And I know I caused it, I own that. Trust me, every time I cry, I hear myself say "this is YOUR fault".
> 
> But I jump on these threads to give the WS perspective. To show the betrayed what the wayward is thinking, what they should be doing, why they are doing the things they are. Most betrayed don't want to hear from me. I've been dogged by a few. But I feel it's important to show them the delusion that a wayward thinks.
> 
> The last two months have been hell for me. I hate my life and I hate myself most days. But it wasn't until I came here that I really opened my eyes to my actions. My delusions. And started really analyzing who I am and who I should be.
> 
> I say things that most people probably don't want to hear, especially betrayed people, but in my opinion, they need to see it. To analyze their WS actions.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





Marc878 said:


> I'll add this as well since I've been a lifelong church member, etc.
> 
> Most pastors, preachers, religious folks are totally inept at effectively dealing with infidelity. I'm sure there may be some good ones but for the most part they pretty much suck.
> 
> You also have to watch therapists, counselors, etc. That field defonitely has its share of morons.


Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis by James C. Dobson | 9781414317458 | Paperback | Barnes & Noble


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## bandit.45

greenlupeu said:


> I only will say things which is the profoundly not to condemned No one. that you will not be condenn, what are we for christ. I am to carry is message with righteousness he said let all vengeance t o him . If this is your desire to divorce yes because of adultery well go ahead. B*ut remember this when all the accusers ready to condemned the woman who comitted adultery what jesus said to her if there is any one among us that is not sin let him cost the first stone, all disappear. *It mean we all are sin and if u forgive her who is there to condemn your loveable wife. I say no more bro I believe in you too. Be bless.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910T using Tapatalk


That's because all those accusers, including the religious leaders, had slept with that woman. They wanted to kill her to make sure she didn't blab the truth to their wives. 

Remember when Jesus squatted sown and started writing in the dust? He was writing their names. 

None of the guys on TAM slept with OP's wife...at least I hope not. :laugh:


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## Blacksmith01

Can we leave your faith out of this Green and focus on the problem at hand?


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## Adelais

green, you can speak here on TAM from wherever you are coming from, even from your faith. Don't let any member bully you or shut you down. However, you might eventually find yourself on "ignore" by people who don't like what you say, and they have a right to do that.


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## michzz

You've been given good advice for protecting your self financially. Get the proof of her affair off her phone and into your possession.

You are in grief and investigation mode and need a lawyer pronto.

Your wife is in damage control mode. Some cheaters in this mode will feign remorse and cooperation even as they still cheat or at least work on deception.

Be strong and act swiftly.


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## workindad

Op, you can spend a few minutes with Google looking at paternity testing. It is painless, easy, cheap, and private. You can get a DIY kit delivered to you or buy a kit in most drug stores. It is a simple swab of the inside cheek. This will answer your question. If you want to challenge paternity in court there re different procedures and costs involved. 

See a lawyer ASAP, hopefully you got in touch with one today. 

Note it wasn't until well after my Dday that I found out about a second OM. Cheaters lie, minimize details, trickle truth and blameshift in epic ways. Be prepared for more BS to keep right on flowing from her lips.

If she was withholding sex from you- and you know she had a posom on the side, she didn't want to cheat on him with you because she values him more than she does you.

Sorry, hang in there. It really does get better


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## Plan 9 from OS

Marc878 said:


> I'll add this as well since I've been a lifelong church member, etc.
> 
> Most pastors, preachers, religious folks are totally inept at effectively dealing with infidelity. I'm sure there may be some good ones but for the most part they pretty much suck.
> 
> You also have to watch therapists, counselors, etc. That field defonitely has its share of morons.


You know why, don't you? It's because the infidelity rate among pastors is high. Most have either cheated, cheated multiple times, are thinking about cheating. It's a natural byproduct of being an authority figure in others lives, and actually having a say in what others do in their marriages. But I digress.


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## jsmart

Marc878 said:


> Yes, *most women can only focus on one man at a time* so when they project their feelings to the OM, spouse is left out. Read. Happens all the time.


Most woman can only give themselves emotionally to one man. If she's having an affair, she's his emotionally and willingly gives herself to him. The rare ones that continue to have sex with their husbands, do so in an unfeeling way, using their imagination that it is their POS doing them. 

They'll rarely be any kissing or "extras" involved. Some even get cruel and knowingly kiss their husband after having given a BJ just minutes or hours before or allow their husband to go down on them after having had sex with POS earlier in the day.


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## Be smart

My friend you are so confused. You wife is using sex for her lies and her cheating and you go for it.

Is this her answer and apologize to you and your family ??? 

Belive me I saw all of this. You find some "bonding" with your wife,she does things with you she never did (maybe with posom she did) and you are in La La land.

After 2-3 months of this she goes back to old herself. 

And one more thing. Stop thinking about OM. He NEVER hurt you,your wife did. You are looking for excuses for her cheating and this is where you are wrong. She is the only one to blame.

Stay strong my friend.


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## GusPolinski

greenlupeu said:


> I only will say things which is the profoundly not to condemned No one. that you will not be condenn, what are we for christ. I am to carry is message with righteousness he said let all vengeance t o him . If this is your desire to divorce yes because of adultery well go ahead. But remember this when all the accusers ready to condemned the woman who comitted adultery what jesus said to her if there is any one among us that is not sin let him cost the first stone, all disappear. It mean we all are sin and if u forgive her who is there to condemn your loveable wife. I say no more bro I believe in you too. Be bless.


Oh Lord. Not this mindless, over-quoted, and completely misunderstood tripe again...


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## phillybeffandswiss

greenlupeu said:


> I only will say things which is the profoundly not to condemned No one. that you will not be condenn, what are we for christ. I am to carry is message with righteousness he said let all vengeance t o him . If this is your desire to divorce yes because of adultery well go ahead. But remember this when all the accusers ready to condemned the woman who comitted adultery what jesus said to her if there is any one among us that is not sin let him cost the first stone, all disappear. It mean we all are sin and if u forgive her who is there to condemn your loveable wife. I say no more bro I believe in you too. Be bless.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910T using Tapatalk


*Shrugs* Now, go get the verse where he tells the husband he must forgive her? That's right he does not. Yes, we are all sinners, but nowhere does he speak on deliverance or forgiveness in this oft quoted verse. If anything, it is a discussion about hypocrisy using killing someone for a sin, when you have committed a sin yourself. I've always felt this was a quote that needs to be trotted out against the death penalty, not for forgiving someone.


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## bandit.45

​


Blacksmith01 said:


> Can we leave your faith out of this Green and focus on the problem at hand?


Not mine...talk to Green....


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## Kobold

GusPolinski said:


> Oh Lord. Not this mindless, over-quoted, and completely misunderstood tripe again...


John 8:7

The one bible verse memorized by loose women and their enablers the world over. :slap:


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## bandit.45

Kobold said:


> John 8:7
> 
> The one bible verse memorized by loose women and their enablers the world over. :slap:


They forget the last part. 

"Go and sin no more." 

Or in modern parlance: "Quit being a ho...."


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## Chaparral

You haven't mentioned who the other man is.

You haven't said if you might possibly reconcile.

You haven't said anything about whether or not you believe the affair is still going on or if your wife is doing everything in her power to fix this.

Do not get me wrong, I am not advocating reconcilliation or divorce. There are things you need to do in either event and you can be advised better if we have more knowledge of what, who, why, when and how long.

I dont think it has been mentioned yet but it helps to talk to friends, family, and family doctor.

You both need independent counseling.

For now you need to follow the 180.

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.


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## Pluto2

oh lawrd. ukrainian patent attorneys!


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## Marc878

You have 4 attorneys to pick from. Check your PM.


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## Vulcan2013

FillSheden said:


> Cool story, cool author.
> I want to propouse you my site about patents.
> visit my site: HOME | Zestad - trademark and patent attorney in ukraine
> thank`s and good luck


Here at TAM, we are siding with Putin. Sorry...


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## Augusto

Merry Christmas to you. Now divorce her on your anniversary.


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## RWB

workindad said:


> Note it wasn't until well *after my D day that I found out about a second OM. * Cheaters lie, minimize details, trickle truth and blame shift in epic ways. Be prepared for more BS to keep right on flowing from her lips.


OP, take notice.

Yep...There's always more, lots.

At DD, I suddenly had a _Clarity _ that had been blinded by years of lies and blame shifting. *Her lies no longer worked.* It was weird, sort of Out of Body, but I could instantly see the lies in her eyes, her hands, her tone of voice, like my own personal Poly. 

I knew now there had been others. Her denials just didn't work. In the end, she had been cheating for close to 7 years straight with 3 OM.


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## VeryHurt

RWB said:


> OP, take notice.
> 
> Yep...There's always more, lots.
> 
> At DD, I suddenly had a _Clarity _ that had been blinded by years of lies and blame shifting. *Her lies no longer worked.* It was weird, sort of Out of Body, but I could instantly see the lies in her eyes, her hands, her tone of voice, like my own personal Poly.
> 
> I knew now there had been others. Her denials just didn't work. In the end, she had been cheating for close to 7 years straight with 3 OM.


RWB ~
I don't mean to thread jack but I had to tell RWB that my STBX also had 3 OW in 7 Years !!!!!
VH :grin2:


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