# Need Advice, Wife Does Not Respect Me or My Space



## BriGuy375 (Mar 6, 2011)

I need some advice. This evening, my wife and i got in a huge fight about whether or not the beer distributors in our area were open on Sundays. We get in fights over stupid stuff alot because neither of us will give up or admit we were wrong. In this case, we went as far as to call every distributor in the area. All of the ones i was referring to were closed, as i said, and the one she was thinking of was open, as she said. 4 closed to 1 open. She apologized and we hugged and made up. 

I know, it sounds stupid, but this happens all the time. 

Later this evening, we are standing in the kitchen. She decides that she wants to "pretend box" with me, you know, like fistfighting. This doesnt interest me. I am a big guy, and have easily hurt people by accident (6' 7" about 325 lbs). Im not real muscular or anything, just stronger than i think i guess. 

I repeatedly told her i didnt want to play this way. Instead of leaving it at that, she started egging on and poking my sides and hitting my arms trying to get me to play. I continued to tell her i didnt want to and i didnt think it was playing, and asked her to leave me alone. This occurred at least 10 more times. 

She had me cornered in the kitchen, and wouldnt let me walk past her to get back to the living room. I dont think these things are funny or fun or whatever and i get really protective of my personal space, so i walked kind of "through" her to get out of the kitchen. She wrapped her arms around my chest and would not let go. I basically dragged her to the couch with her telling me something is wrong with me because i dont want to play. 

I got really angry about this and started to yell at her telling her that if the roles were reversed, i would respect her space and would never have acted this way if someone told me that they werent confortable with this. Then she started to get mad, got up, started slamming doors and threatened divorce saying that she has no more to put into our relationship. She tries to be fun.

This just is not fun for me. People dont run around fake punching each other. I offered to buy her a punching bag tomorrow. 

She threatens divorce all the time. She constantly disagrees with me, fights with me in front of other people, and finds excuses to not be home. She often puts her friends before me, staying out later than we discussed because everyone one else is and she always wants to be the last person out. She doesnt want to miss out on anything.

Sorry for the rant, i just think i am at wits end here. Im unsure how to move forward. We get in huge fights like this alot and i really think it is almost completely because for whatever reason, she does not respect me at all anymore.

At a loss-

B


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## SaffronPower (Mar 6, 2011)

How old are you two? How long have you been together? Have you talked about marriage counseling?


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## BriGuy375 (Mar 6, 2011)

We are both 28 years old. We have been married for 4 years, but have known each other since 9th grade. I asked about conseling, and she took it upon herself to go to a counselor once. I expressed interest if she found counselor she liked i really wanted to go. that one visit of hers was it though. Apparantly it never panned out from there-


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## SaffronPower (Mar 6, 2011)

Have you always fought like this? Did something change? Is your wife frustrated by the fights? Is she staying out late without you? Do you think she is cheating? Do you two talk about your relationship?


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## BriGuy375 (Mar 6, 2011)

I cant say we have always fought like this, no. I think she is very easily influenced by her friends, she stays out late without me, but even though we are not getting along great right now she is not cheating. She is not that type of person.

Once problem that i have noticed and it is recent (as in the last 2 or 3 years) is that everything she does is excessive. I come home from work and do things at home (sure, including watching TV and lounging around) but once she finds a hobby she cant do it enough. She took up mountain biking a couple years ago with her friends, and now its non stop 4 or 5 days a week when the weather is warm, where she does not get home from work until like 8 or 830 because she goes biking right from work. She can find ways to do things she wants, but she cant find ways to make it home by a reasonable time. I even enjoy biking too, but like once a week is good. I guess there are just too many issues to really discuss on the internet. 

Overall, i would say the biggest thing that has changed is that since finding hobbies and being busy, she thinks i am lazy and for some reason it just doesnt seem like she respects me at all anymore. One of the biggest things that really gets me going is that she never things she is wrong. Never, ever ever. She seriously pushed me with this fake fighting thing, obviously she was hitting a nerve and touching me was not calming me down, so instead of leaving it alone she continued and continued and continued. Then, when i finally flew off the deep end, she wouldnt apologize. She claims she did nothing wrong and has nothing to apologize for. She told me verbatim " i wont apologize because i did nothing wrong. You yelled at me"


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## SaffronPower (Mar 6, 2011)

Starting today, don't fight with her. Period. It will not be any fun for her if you don't participate. This will put an end to any escalating situations until you learn what is going on here.

Can you get her to go to a medical doctor? I would tell your wife that you are worried about her. You mention the "excessive" tendancy. Maybe she is depressed, OCD, or has anxiety. Her doctor will help you sort out what is wrong. He might suggest medicine and/or counseling. I would try to talk to the doctor together if possible. If your wife is willing to have you in with her. The depressed or anxious person often needs some help communicating. She might not be able to tell the doctor everything and then you can help fill in the blanks.

Mental illness is no big deal really, doctors see it all the time. There are easy things to do that help.

I don't sense that there is any lack of "caring" in your marriage. I think you're puzzled at your wife's behavior and it's hurtful when someone you love is calling you lazy and picking on you. Know that if there is no medical reason that counseling to find out how to better communicate will probably be the best thing to do for now. You need to get to the root of this "disrespecting". The silly fighting is just that...silly. Stop thinking you are owed an apology and see if there is something wrong with your wife's mental health or yours that can be stopped now.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

In the early years of our marriage, my now-ex used to "hurt" (little pinches or pokes) me in what he thought was a playful way. I'd say stop, he'd say, "that doesn't hurt." After a few of these exchanges, I said, "You don't get to judge what is uncomfortable for me. I find this behavior to be immature, like a 3rd grader, and not playful. It is a complete turn-off and needs to stop now." I remember because for a moment there, I know my voice and body language seriously said what might words didn't, "You'd better stop now because this is a deal-breaker." I didn't "think through" that body language, but it was probably the first time we had hit a "deal-breaker" and I can even now feel the way it was a "turning point." (Of course, knowing what I know now, I wish I had walked away then b/c I could not do that once we had kids). At the moment I said it, I knew in my head I was dead serious and my whole person conveyed that.

So, either you are unwilling to take a stand for yourself--and not sending a clear message--or she is unwilling/unable to read that message. So counseling is the best choice, IMHO. You are not communicating to her the depth of your feeling, and getting to that is huge.


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## CarolinaGirl (Feb 13, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

BriGuy375 said:


> I need some advice. This evening, my wife and i got in a huge fight about whether or not the beer distributors in our area were open on Sundays. We get in fights over stupid stuff alot because neither of us will give up or admit we were wrong. In this case, we went as far as to call every distributor in the area. All of the ones i was referring to were closed, as i said, and the one she was thinking of was open, as she said. 4 closed to 1 open. She apologized and we hugged and made up.
> 
> I know, it sounds stupid, but this happens all the time.
> 
> ...



Both of you sound very immature and childish. First and foremost DO NOT HAVE KIDS. Second, looks like both of you need some serious growing up to do.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

So what would she have done if you actually hit her back?

If it was too hard (likely), she'd call you a wife beater.

Do not indulge in this.

Seems she wants your attention and is mad at you to boot.

Can't you two find a less hostile way of interacting?

Arguing about beer distributors?

Stupid.


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