# Is My Hubby Bisexual?????



## Pink Peony (Sep 24, 2012)

I was drawn to the title of this thread while googling for answers to my very similar circumstances. This is my 1st time on this site and would love feedback from anyone as I have been searching for answers for years and am still looking for some insite that will hopefully lead me to the truth.

I have been married for almost 6 years and have been with him for a total of almost 15 years. Throughout our relationship, I have never caught him cheating but have always suspected it. About 4 1/2 years ago I came across an email from a girl that was dating one of his employees. The email was a poem about men vs women and sex. Had my attention at SEX! I confronted him about it and he said he had no idea who she was and then said oh isn't that the girl Jeff is dating. I said yes, but why is she emailing you. He said that Jeff probably emailed me from her address......anyway it had my attention, thus the investigation began!!!

He at the time had just started working for this company the year before. I investigated pretty heavily for a year and it didn't lead me to much. But I was not about to overlook the sicking feeling still in my gut.

When he started working for this company, there were 3 owners (all men and all married with kids). Two of them always struck me as having feminine tendencies and the other one not so much. As time went on one of the feminine ones went through a divorce and was eventually fired due to his performance. Before being fired they would all 4 go on fishing trips together in Florida for 4+ days, atleast 4 times a year. They would usually get 2 rooms and 2 would stay in one room and 2 in the other. At 1st, I thought it was a little odd especially for my husband only being in the company less than a year, being invited on extravagent trips, and sleeping in the same room with another man that he barely knew. Then on the other hand, I never suspected that he might be gay so I didn't give it much thought. It wasn't until after being a regular occurance on any trips he went on with them business or pleasure, he was staying in the same room with one of the bosses in particular (the one that was feminine). When I questioned why with him and not the other one, he said because he snores too much and no one wants to be in the same room as him. After about the 3rd or 4th fishing trip, he came home and was acting a weird all week. That weekend, we had an arguement about my suspitions. Then he started crying and telling me that he was depressed and was having thoughts of sucide. I had no idea what happened nor why all of a sudden after the fishing trip he had these feelings???? Could something homosexual have occurred for the 1st time and he didn't know what to feel?????? Keep in mind that all trips he goes on, esp the fishing ones, there is HEAVY drinking that occurs. Esp the 1st night they get there. And alot of times he would say he would call but never did, or called sooo late at night after I was asleep and leave me some drunk message.

Around this time, I had been checking his boxers regularly because I still had suspicions that he was fooling around with someone. My daughter was a baby at the time, therefore I could not follow him or wait for him to go to lunch to follow him around to see what he was doing. I also feared he would see my car and know that I was on to him. Therefore, I resorted to checking his clothes. I started noticing semen stains in his boxers more frequently (especially in the ones from his trips) and know it was not coming from me all the time. I started to document it and what I would find to see if I could notice a pattern....but there was none. Sometimes it would be once a week, sometimes 2 or 3, but I could never pinpoint a certain pattern from week to week. He never brings his lunch to work and therefore eats out everyday (usually with one or both bosses), with the exception of a working lunch in the office. For years, I had the suspition that he was fooling around with the office manager. When I would bring up her name and ask about her and if he was having an affair with her, he would always get sooooo defensive and deny everything. RED FLAG RIGHT????? But after years of getting to know her a little here and there, she seems like she is a devout christian and happily married with kids.

So who then????.....the investigating continues. For awhile, everytime I would question his whereabouts or question his infidelity, the stains in his boxers would disappear (atleast for a week or 2). Then BAM, they would return again. I started noticing that he would work late and when he would get home he would be on the phone with one of his bosses (feminine one), sometimes for hours outside pacing our LONG driveway and walking way up in the street for the majority of his calls. He would say that was because he got better reception there???? Or did he not want me to hear the convo??? This went on for a long time and he would say it was because they had a lot of issues at work and his boss was a worry wart. I was getting extremely tired of it, considering he would work all day, get home late, and come home and be on the phone until late at night with his boss. 

He was also climbing the ladder rather quickly at work. Starting out as a project manager and is now VP soon to be President and partner after 5 years of working there . Don't get me wrong, he has worked his butt off and truely deserves it, but just odd.

I started noticing that every trip he went on with this boss, he would always return with semen stains in his boxers and sometimes latex smell. And they were staying in the same room. Ummmmm???? Could it be that it is from him masturbating, them sleeping with some woman or women, or them having sexual relations together???? I have on a couple of occasions noticed him walking funny (as if something's up his butt) for a day or so after he returns from these trips. SOMEONE HELP ME!!! Could my husband be bisexual???? I have noticed a couple of times semen stains on the outside of his boxers by his anal area from a trip with this guy. What the heck is going on????

About 2 years ago, we were staying at a lake house with one of his bosses and his wife. After multiple glasses of wine and everyone asleep but his wife and I, my tongue started to slip and I asked her if she thought the other boss was kind of feminine. She said yes. So I asked her if she thought is was odd that when they went on fishing trips, that her husband slept on the 3 bedroom boat by himself while the other boss and my husband sleep in a hotel room together. NO COMMENT......foot in mouth. Oddly enough after that conversation with her (which I tought was between us) they have NEVER slept in the same room again (or from what I am told anyway). Therefore she ran her mouth to her hubby and he told the other boss. JUST LOVELY!!!

All that aside, the stains and latex smell in his boxers still continue every week and esp from his trips. I am now pretty good at detecting if the stains are from maturbating with lotion, lubricant, just arousal, etc. However, I have recently started noticing white stains on the inside of his boxers right around the anal area. I have tested them with the semen detector kit twice and both were negative. However, I don't think (or surely hope to God) that if he is having anal sex with this guy that he is using protection. Therefore, I wonder if it is from a lubricant or lotion?? He does not use lotions on his body after showering only when masterbating. Any insite would be much appreciated!! The most recent time was this past Saturday when he had to go to the office and meet this boss to sign some papers for something. He was there for 45mins which should have been 15min. He came home, worked in the yard, and took a shower. Low and behold the white anal stains were there. Huh???? 

I have made remarks to him a few times (usually when I'm drinking) that he is gay and he blows up and says how insulting that is and that he will divorce me the next time I say it. I am at my wits end with all of this crap. I just want a normal, happy marriage and family. We have one child and I would like another, but don't want to go that route if his is possibly cheating with another (married with kids) man. 

My hubby has always been very anal about home, car, yard, etc. cleanliness and appearance. He has also always been very anal about his own appearance. About a 1 1/2 years ago he started working out in cross fit 2-3 times a week with his other boss and has lost 20+ lbs. Now he wants to wear more form fitting clothes (always designer), is more worried about his appearance, does more man grooming, etc, etc. Both of his bosses wear extremely expensive designer clothes, shoes, watches, etc and are very particular about their appearance.

Soooooo sorry for this lengthy novel!! Hopefully you aren't snoozing !!! Unfortunetly, I could keep going and going and going, but am out of time. This is only a fraction of what I could say about all of this. Any feedback and similar personal experiences would be lovely!! Ta Ta for now !!!


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Based on the evidence you've found I would think your suspicions are accurate.

The question is, with all you DO know, what do you want to do about it? He's not going to tell you you're right. He's denied your questioning already.

I'd be tempted to hire a PI or find a way to follow him myself. Borrow a friends car or whatever.


----------



## sagebush (Sep 24, 2012)

Outside of your concerns about him cheating, what is your relationship with him like? Do you have sex? Is it good?

Sex toys (like a fleshlight) might cause the latex smell.

How tolerant is the community that you live in? Would it have been possible for him to 'come out' before you were married?

The excessive time with bosses does seem weird. Do you have friends besides his two bosses? Does your husband react strongly when you encourage him to develop other friendships?

Based on the fact that you were reading your husband's e-mail, and that you found it troubling that a woman would send a funny poem to your husband, and your reaction to the mere word 'sex' suggests to me that you tend to be suspicious, and might find cause for concern whatever your husband was doing. It's hard to determine.

Regardless of what he's doing it might be most helpful for you to drop the infidelity obsession, and express your concern for the marriage to him and ask him what you might both do to make it happier.


----------



## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Sounds like he's gay.

Guys aren't really bisexual; they're just hetero or gay, although some gay men will have sex with women from time to time, either due to confusion or just to cover their tracks, that sort of thing.


----------



## Ryan33 (Sep 24, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> Sounds like he's gay.
> 
> Guys aren't really bisexual; they're just hetero or gay, although some gay men will have sex with women from time to time, either due to confusion or just to cover their tracks, that sort of thing.


Bold statement to make.
Anyways, to OP.
Are you sure they are gonig on a fishing trip? Maybe they go to Vegas for the weekend?
Or maybe they have girls come to where they are fishing?


----------



## Pink Peony (Sep 24, 2012)

Ryan, I know they are where they say they are because I have his password to his amex business acct and can see certain but not all charges. However, he does have another business acct that I don't have access to and can't get it bc it is controlled by the owners. I have thought about that many times that maybe they are bringing girls to the location but do not know for sure. But, def something is up. Sagebush, our relationship is ok. It used to be amazing! Yet from the start he was ALL about his friends. I have learned to deal with it now, but there has always been something more important throughout our relationship. Friends and family have always come before me. We have many friends, he can't live without them. Loves hanging with the boys. He has 3 brothers and his dad was very manly and raised them that way. So no, he would never come out willingly if this is the case. Sex is ok for me. There is no foreplay anymore unless I ask for it and sex usually lasts a couple of minutes before he's done. I have asked for years that if he wants it more, to turn me on when I'm not in the mood. Instead, I get a dry hump and u want to f*** or suck it??? Wow!!!! My juices are flowing....I mean give me something from time to time! I have introduced toys, like beads and used them once on him and now am reluctant to break them out due to the circumstances. However, he put them in his drawer and uses them often. I would love to work on our relationship, however I have tried numerous times with no avail. I am just exhausted with my efforts never getting me anywhere and this stuff still occurring. I am now at my wits end as to what to do. I have wanted to hire a PI, however I am a stay at home mom and our acct is joint. It would take me awhile to secretely pull out enough funds to do it. I am scared, as any woman would be to find out that the man they have been with for 15 yrs may be gay and have a child involved too. I am a beautiful woman who has lost my place and confidence in this world due to my situation. If he is doing something, which I suspect, and given all of our history, I would pick up and move on if I have actual proof that something is going on. He is very manipulative and sneaky in his ways. Therefore, unless I have proof, he will deny, deny, deny till the day that he dies.......


----------



## sagebush (Sep 24, 2012)

Whether he's bisexual or not is beside the point. You're in a terrible marriage with lousy sex.

Save your money for the lawyer that you will likely need, regardless of whether he's having sex with men, women, dolphins, or his hand.

Personally, I'd give him an ultimatum that included several demands. Among them:STD testing and condoms for the next 3 months, 4 nights/wk spent with family, and counseling. If he won't comply, then let him know that you aren't sure how much longer you can stay in the marriage. Then take steps to becoming independent: schooling, get your health in order, sock money away. Your changes may get him to reconsider his ways.

Stop obsessing over his sexual orientation -- it's irrelevant for any action you would need to take.


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Pink, the bigger question is what this means to you. 

You're making yourself crazy and going to great lengths to condemn your husband. You don't have to have undeniable proof. Either you're happy with things or you aren't. If you thought he was having an affair with a woman, you'd have enough evidence to make a decision. You have enough now. 

Assume your suspicions are correct and move forward from here - whatever that means to you. If it means you want the marriage to be happy, then drop the issue and focus on whatever it is in the marriage that needs work.

If it means you want out, go now. "I don't want this any longer" is a valid reason for leaving if you're not happy.

You're not going to change his sexual inclinations any more than you could suddenly become attracted to women more than men. Either accept what you have, or find someone you can accept.


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

If he is gay and with all the detective work you have put in, which sounds exhausting, your husband is staying in the closet and never coming out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

She said she never thought he was gay but he changed when he started the job.... Could he feel pressured to go along to get along - that type of sexual relations that people get involved in because they want to be at the top, want to be in the LOOP crowd? 

I was reading a thread where they talked about what happens in the music industry and what men have done to get where they are now. There is always someone at the top who will use his power to get what he wants and usually its is pursuing that one person that they have to PROPOSITION and QUID PRO QUO type deals. The thread called names and listed all the men that gave in to get where they are now but dont consider themselves "GAY" but just did what they had to do to get to the top. If you do it and then feel like you Dang near suicidal-- sounds like it is definitely not worth it.

 I also saw this commercial some years ago that would have been a good novel or movie but the guy was a doctor and wanting to open a clinic and some guy came to him giving him his dream- great job, clinic but he had to sleep with him. After he did, he had this look of disgust and his wife was asking him what was wrong.... it was a serious wakeup call for people to stop wondering and start asking questions


----------



## Pink Peony (Sep 24, 2012)

I guess my biggest issue here is that I would love for our marriage to be healthy again and work through our issues. However, we have tried in the past with no avail. Yet on the other hand, If this has been going on for as long as I think it has then what an SOB he is. 

There have been many times when our relationship is going smoothly and sex it great, then he returns from one of his "trips" with s*** in is underwear. And he comes home so lovey dovey and what am I supposed to think and how do I act when the evidence is clearly there??? This all just sucks........never how I expected my marriage to be.

Maybe the issue is not about his sexuality, but it is about him cheating. I guess the fact that it may be with a man as opposed to a woman pains me more. Esp if he was this way before we married. Then what have I just been a cover up to his secret lifestyle for all of these years????

As I said before, I love him dearly and want this to work out. However, I am at a point now where I want to know the truth. And in order for me to move forward in my life, I have to see it with my own eyes so I can rest assured that I am not crazy for thinking these things. Not to mention, that if I left this marriage now on the account that I am just "done with things" then I feel defeated. Because there is no way in h*** that he will admit to his wrong doings, EVER. It is just not ok for him to have done this for this many years and I just walk away and let him get away with it. I don't want him telling our family, friends, and daughter later on in life that we ended our relationship because of me. Am I crazy for thinking this way?????


----------



## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

You are not crazy for thinking this way. I think you have enough here to make a decision. The fishing trips are ridiculous. The sharing beds is ridiculous. The anal stains are ridiculous. The smell of latex is ridiculous. It's all ridiculous. The timing of all of these things is not coincidental. Your woman's intuition tells you all you need to know.

Set some boundaries for the sake of your sanity and the sake of your marriage. Enough is enough with his behavior. Read back through your own posts in this thread. The answers couldn't be more clear. YOU are not getting what YOU need out of this marriage. That needs to change for you to stay. 

I also agree that you need to have PI follow this guy on one of his fishing trips. Yes, it will be expensive, but hire a PI in the area where they go so you can finally get the answer here.


----------



## Pink Peony (Sep 24, 2012)

Thank you for your comment shaylady! I know in my heart that this is the case with my husband. The one boss has gay tendencies, is married to a wife who is so nieve and just loves the money and expensive things he buys her, and they have 2 kids. The other boss I think is the same, but is better at hiding it and his wife just does anything his says and doesn't question anything. She likes the money too!! 

Our relationship was great before this job. Of course we had our issues, but very healthly. After about a year of this job, is when it all started going down hill. He was spending more time at the office, on the phone till late with the bosses, going on trips, and moving quickly up the ladder. The time that he came back from his trip looking depressed, remorseful, and suicidal is when I believe it all began. There are still times when he comes back from certain trips that he gets upset if I am distant after discovering that his underwear is full of stuff. Therefore, I can see that he doesn't want to hurt me and feels guilty for his actions. However, it does not stop and now I feel in my heart that he may actually enjoy it. 

His bosses are so far up their own a****, rolling in their millions (that my hubby helped to create), and think that they are smarter than anyone. Obviously, my hubby wants a piece of the pie that he helped create and I believe will stop at nothing to get it. Meanwhile, I am here wanting our marriage to be normal again and he wants his cake and eat it too. Thus, I will not let these SOBs get away with ruining our marriage for their own personal satisfaction and wealth. That's why I want so badly to catch them in the act and bring them down as well......


----------



## Pink Peony (Sep 24, 2012)

Thank you c123, my thoughts exactly!!


----------



## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

I agree. I think C123 has it right here.


----------



## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

Pink Peony said:


> Thank you for your comment shaylady! I know in my heart that this is the case with my husband. The one boss has gay tendencies, is married to a wife who is so nieve and just loves the money and expensive things he buys her, and they have 2 kids. The other boss I think is the same, but is better at hiding it and his wife just does anything his says and doesn't question anything. She likes the money too!!
> 
> Our relationship was great before this job. Of course we had our issues, but very healthly. After about a year of this job, is when it all started going down hill. He was spending more time at the office, on the phone till late with the bosses, going on trips, and moving quickly up the ladder. The time that he came back from his trip looking depressed, remorseful, and suicidal is when I believe it all began. There are still times when he comes back from certain trips that he gets upset if I am distant after discovering that his underwear is full of stuff. Therefore, I can see that he doesn't want to hurt me and feels guilty for his actions. However, it does not stop and now I feel in my heart that he may actually enjoy it.
> 
> His bosses are so far up their own a****, rolling in their millions (that my hubby helped to create), and think that they are smarter than anyone. Obviously, my hubby wants a piece of the pie that he helped create and I believe will stop at nothing to get it. Meanwhile, I am here wanting our marriage to be normal again and he wants his cake and eat it too. Thus, I will not let these SOBs get away with ruining our marriage for their own personal satisfaction and wealth. That's why I want so badly to catch them in the act and bring them down as well......


 
If he is saying he is suicidal he may be torn bewtween what he may have to let go in order to be "normal" again but be careful because if someone says that, it is serious...- There are so many ways people get caught up in that type deal... justifying it by saying he is doing this for his family or trying to give the family a great life but people get caught up in titles and the whats going on in loop crowd like they are a nobody if they dont have direct contact with the big bosses -  - its sad but it happens so much- 

And be careful with talking about catching people like that in the act-- when people like that have their "LIVELIHOOD" threatened, there are no boundaries on keeping their secret a secret-


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Pink Peony said:


> Thank you for your comment shaylady! I know in my heart that this is the case with my husband. The one boss has gay tendencies, is married to a wife who is so nieve and just loves the money and expensive things he buys her, and they have 2 kids. The other boss I think is the same, but is better at hiding it and his wife just does anything his says and doesn't question anything. She likes the money too!!
> 
> Our relationship was great before this job. Of course we had our issues, but very healthly. After about a year of this job, is when it all started going down hill. He was spending more time at the office, on the phone till late with the bosses, going on trips, and moving quickly up the ladder. The time that he came back from his trip looking depressed, remorseful, and suicidal is when I believe it all began. There are still times when he comes back from certain trips that he gets upset if I am distant after discovering that his underwear is full of stuff. Therefore, I can see that he doesn't want to hurt me and feels guilty for his actions. However, it does not stop and now I feel in my heart that he may actually enjoy it.
> 
> His bosses are so far up their own a****, rolling in their millions (that my hubby helped to create), and think that they are smarter than anyone. Obviously, my hubby wants a piece of the pie that he helped create and I believe will stop at nothing to get it. Meanwhile, I am here wanting our marriage to be normal again and he wants his cake and eat it too. Thus, I will not let these SOBs get away with ruining our marriage for their own personal satisfaction and wealth. That's why I want so badly to catch them in the act and bring them down as well......


Pink, I feel badly for you. As I've read your additional posts, it sounds to me like your husband has been sexually harassed and victimized. 

As a man, it's very hard to acknowledge something like that. Men who believe they are supposed to be strong, and be good providers, are especially vulnerable to situations like what Natural Heart described. 

Let's look at it from his shoes for a minute. He's feeling good about his job prospects. His new bosses are promising him the world and he feels happy at the idea of giving his family everything they could want or need. 

He's honored when they invite him on executive trips. UNTIL.... he's placed in a position where he is forced to submit to their sexual whims or get fired. They might have manipulated to do something illegal, with or without his knowledge, to secure their own safety and privacy. If he doesn't comply with what they want, he has more at risk than just his job. In a worst case scenario, he could be in a situation that could land him in prison if he's done something he shouldn't have.

When he gets home from that trip, he's confused, overwhelmed, and feels weak and hopeless. He considers suicide because he doesn't know what else to do, even though he has a loving wife and is making good money. But he's NOT a weak guy. He finds a reason to keep living, which means that he has to rationalize and deny the horror of what's happening to him. Over time, he might even learn to find some pleasure in it, as most sexual abuse victims do. 

But then his wife starts noticing changes. She starts digging for information and keeps getting closer to the truth. At first, he might have wanted to open up to her, but how does a guy do that without looking weak and pathetic? He doesn't know, so he sticks with denial. Before long, her concern and focused attention on the whole matter starts making him feel attacked by her. She no longer seems like a support, but has turned into someone else who victimizes him. 

I couldn't tell you if this is your husband's situation or not, though your statement about him feeling suicidal seems to give this a ring of truth. If it *is* true, then you immediately need to STOP letting him know that you're digging, STOP trying to confront him, and STOP blaming him.

Instead, you need to get back to supporting him. Let him know that while he's a great provider, his happiness is far more important to you. Find articles once in a while on male exploitation and tell him what you "stumbled upon," how you feel angry when you hear about men or women being treated that way, and ask his opinion. Over time, if he comes to see you as someone who will not judge the victim, he may open up to you. Then again, he might not ever. The sense of shame that happens with sexual victimization is tremendous and some people can never find a way to cope with it.


----------



## Pink Peony (Sep 24, 2012)

And be careful with talking about catching people like that in the act-- when people like that have their "LIVELIHOOD" threatened, there are no boundaries on keeping their secret a secret- [/COLOR][/FONT][/QUOTE]


I know as I have tought about this far too many times. But I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place. I feel deeply betrayed by my husband and these men. I know my husband wants to provide for our family, but at what cost?? I honor my dignity too much to just walk away from this marriage without seeing the truth for myself. However, it does scare me to know what could happen if I did expose their lifestyle.

Years ago, I felt like I was a part of the movie The Firm and The Devils Advocate. At times feeling like I was being watched, followed, and listened too at home. Strange occurances that I could not explain. So I backed off some for awhile and it seemed to go away. These guys and my hubby are very intellegent men and know what they are doing and will stop at nothing to keep their secrets just that.

Frustrated and sick to my stomach......


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

C123 said:


> You are not crazy for thinking this way. I think you have enough here to make a decision. The fishing trips are ridiculous. The sharing beds is ridiculous. The anal stains are ridiculous. The smell of latex is ridiculous. It's all ridiculous. The timing of all of these things is not coincidental. Your woman's intuition tells you all you need to know.
> 
> Set some boundaries for the sake of your sanity and the sake of your marriage. Enough is enough with his behavior. Read back through your own posts in this thread. The answers couldn't be more clear. YOU are not getting what YOU need out of this marriage. That needs to change for you to stay.
> 
> I also agree that you need to have PI follow this guy on one of his fishing trips. Yes, it will be expensive, but hire a PI in the area where they go so you can finally get the answer here.


Good advice here. I've gone on trips w/ 3 other girl friends and have shared rooms and if there are 2 in a room w 2 doubles no big deal but that's usually to conserve $ and these guys are well off? All the well-off men I know wouldn't share a room.

But regardless you aren't happy and suspect he's cheating. He has conversations outside. I would suggest a VAR in his car to record his half of any conversations there and if you have a garage, maybe in there if he tends to talk out there? Or a porch? Surely it rains some time and he's not pacing the driveway so has to talk privately elsewhere.


----------



## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

Pink Peony said:


> And be careful with talking about catching people like that in the act-- when people like that have their "LIVELIHOOD" threatened, there are no boundaries on keeping their secret a secret- [/COLOR][/FONT]


 
I know as I have tought about this far too many times. But I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place. I feel deeply betrayed by my husband and these men. I know my husband wants to provide for our family, but at what cost?? I honor my dignity too much to just walk away from this marriage without seeing the truth for myself. However, it does scare me to know what could happen if I did expose their lifestyle.

Years ago, I felt like I was a part of the movie The Firm and The Devils Advocate. At times feeling like I was being watched, followed, and listened too at home. Strange occurances that I could not explain. So I backed off some for awhile and it seemed to go away. These guys and my hubby are very intellegent men and know what they are doing and will stop at nothing to keep their secrets just that.

Frustrated and sick to my stomach......[/QUOTE]


I know and I'm sorry and i definitely felt like I was reading a novel or movie and i watch a lot of those investigation stories to know that people will do anything to keep secrets. You are saying you want to save your marriage and expose these men but you will have to expose hubby as well.

It wont come out as your hubby *being a grown man was forced to go on these trips and have these sexcapades* with the top dogs of his company. You may find out some things that may make you want to take your child and completely walk away from him . So just be careful and be very open to his role and his actions as well. Just focus on you and him and whatever serious suspicions you have; you address with him first.


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

sharkeey said:


> Sounds like he's gay.
> 
> Guys aren't really bisexual; they're just hetero or gay, although some gay men will have sex with women from time to time, either due to confusion or just to cover their tracks, that sort of thing.


Fail.


----------



## Pink Peony (Sep 24, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> Pink, I feel badly for you. As I've read your additional posts, it sounds to me like your husband has been sexually harassed and victimized.
> 
> As a man, it's very hard to acknowledge something like that. Men who believe they are supposed to be strong, and be good providers, are especially vulnerable to situations like what Natural Heart described.
> 
> ...




Huh, I guess I have never really given this perspective much thought before. You do make some interesting points that I can relate to. I know that I have not been there to support him fully in awhile because of what's going on and he has asked for it a lot. I know that I have attacked him verbally many times about his infidelity out of pure frustration. 

I am so emotionally overwhelmed and have been for a long time that I just don't know what to think anymore. The sucidal comment happened once and has been about 5 years since then. 

What I have a hard time understanding though, is that if he was forced into sexual acts, why does he seem to have such a great time on these trips? Oddly though, the fishing trips have diminished to about 1 to 2 trips a year instead of 4 or 5 like he started with. But, there are a lot of business trips that he still goes on, most of which I don't find out about until a day or 2 before he goes. He always tells me that he dreads going on these trips but has to do it. Then when I talk to him while he's there, he always seems to be having a blast.

I remember one trip years ago that he went with the 2 bosses and 2 other employees fishing. A couple of days after he was back and while having sex, he said I would love to watch you get f***** by 5 guys. Odd, considering he was one of 5 total men on his trip. So who knows what these trips entail. I noticed years ago too that he became more interested in anal sex and doing it doggy style. I also noticed the way he was having sex with me from behind seemed different in the way that he was doing it and touching me. I went to a sex toy party that one of their wives had at her house and one of the wives suggested I buy some anal beads. So I did and used them on him a couple of times. I felt weird after doing so, because of the situation at hand. He put them in his bathroom drawer and I have noticed that they get used frequently???

I just don't know. I did find out today that his bosses want to take us to vegas in November. Nothing too out of the ordinary as they have taken us places before and wined and dined us on the company dime. My hubby thinks it's because they want to thank him for all his hard work. Not to mention they took him to look at Rolexes the other day because they want to buy him one???? 

I hate these trips because I can't stand being around them and looking at their selfish, no good a****. It makes me sick to have to smile, laugh, and act like I have no idea what the heck is going on. And watching my husband cut up with them makes me even sicker.

He seems to be good friends with these men though and eagerly wants the wealth that they have. He constantly wants be acknowledged by me and everyone that he is so successful at such a young age. He is so wrapped up in wanting so many material things in life, where as I would rather just be loved and enjoy the moment. He now wants to move into a larger, way more expensive home, get a third car (sports car for him), a boat, etc etc. Not sure if this is an early midlife crisis or a need to be acknowledged for his acheivements.


----------



## Pink Peony (Sep 24, 2012)

NaturalHeart said:


> I know as I have tought about this far too many times. But I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place. I feel deeply betrayed by my husband and these men. I know my husband wants to provide for our family, but at what cost?? I honor my dignity too much to just walk away from this marriage without seeing the truth for myself. However, it does scare me to know what could happen if I did expose their lifestyle.
> 
> Years ago, I felt like I was a part of the movie The Firm and The Devils Advocate. At times feeling like I was being watched, followed, and listened too at home. Strange occurances that I could not explain. So I backed off some for awhile and it seemed to go away. These guys and my hubby are very intellegent men and know what they are doing and will stop at nothing to keep their secrets just that.
> 
> Frustrated and sick to my stomach......


 
I know and I'm sorry and i definitely felt like I was reading a novel or movie and i watch a lot of those investigation stories to know that people will do anything to keep secrets. You are saying you want to save your marriage and expose these men but you will have to expose hubby as well.

 It wont come out as your hubby *being a grown man was forced to go on these trips and have these sexcapades* with the top dogs of his company. You may find out some things that may make you want to take your completely walk away from him with your child. So just be careful and be very open to his role and his actions as well. Just focus on you and him and whatever serious suspicions you have; you address with him first.[/QUOTE]

:iagree: I want to save my marriage if there is something to salvage. However, if my husband is not the victim here and is actively participating in and enjoying these sexcapades, then in my eyes there is nothing to salvage. I just want the cat out of the bag


----------



## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

Sounds like that Monster has been created.... When folks get caught up in the material things and wanting more and more and more, they will do anything to get it -showing this type of behavior proves it.


----------



## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Pink Peony said:


> :iagree: I want to save my marriage if there is something to salvage. However, if my husband is not the victim here and is actively participating in and enjoying these sexcapades, then in my eyes there is nothing to salvage. I just want the cat out of the bag


This is something you have to find out. Is he a victim or is he a volunteer?


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Pink Peony said:


> I am so emotionally overwhelmed and have been for a long time that I just don't know what to think anymore.
> 
> What I have a hard time understanding though, is that if he was forced into sexual acts, why does he seem to have such a great time on these trips?


The more you write, the more it seems like that's the scenario that's going on. 

I bet you are overwhelmed! It's not the kind of situation most people would pick up on easily, as you know. You've really got to pay attention to get the real information, and in your situation, it's one where you don't know if you should feel betrayed, offer support, or what!

But I can answer your question about seeming like he is having a good time. People who find themselves in a sexually abusive situation generally learn how to compartmentalize. When there isn't any sex happening, the victim literally puts it from their mind. They don't think of the perpetrator as a danger or a bad person. If they did, it would threaten the relationship and cause problems. In your guy's case, that could mean the loss of those dreams of big $ucce$$ and being that provider. 

As the abuse progresses, there are a couple of things that help a victim cope that are things you mentioned. They learn to perceive the abusive behavior as part of their "frame of reference" of what it means to be powerful. The abusers have power over them, after all. People respond by either learning to value themselves BECAUSE they submit - they may think this is the only reason they have value if they are very vulnerable or the abuse continues for a long time. Alternatively, they learn to seek power by being LIKE their abusers. Some people develop a mixture of both responses. 

If I was in your shoes, I'd try to evaluate the degree of damage being done. To be honest, it sounds to me like your husband had developed a way of feeling fine with all this. He no longer has a problem. It will probably haunt him later, but that's not within his or your control. 

On the other hand, if you are willing to force him to choose between you and this job, which would he choose? 

You can take an aggressive approach by hiding a voice activated recorder in the lining of something he wears fishing, etc. and continue monitoring the situation until you have enough damning evidence to call down the entire charade, but you're truly playing with fire here. If the bosses groomed him effectively (as it appears they did), then you could cause a lot of damage to your husband in the process of getting vengeful. Your husband will likely turn against you no matter what happens here.

You can take a supportive approach and try to nurture his trust.

You can post an ultimatum and tell him to choose between you and the job. 

Each option has its own risks and rewards.


----------



## Pink Peony (Sep 24, 2012)

NaturalHeart said:


> Sounds like that Monster has been created.... When folks get caught up in the material things and wanting more and more and more, they will do anything to get it -showing this type of behavior proves it.


:iagree: He has always been driven to succeed but not to this extreme. He wants so badly to be partner and have ownership in this company. He wants to be just like the bosses and be showy with his success, but at what expense.


----------



## Pink Peony (Sep 24, 2012)

Coffee Amore said:


> This is something you have to find out. Is he a victim or is he a volunteer?


I know, but how do I go about doing that exactly???


----------



## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Pink Peony said:


> I know, but how do I go about doing that exactly???


Several Voice Activated Recorders, Keylogger, a private investigator..

What if you surprised him on one of these trips by showing up there after he went there? I don't know...maybe this is a bad idea. But on the other hand, I can think of at least two people on the Coping With Infidelity board who discovered their spouses infidelity by surprise visits at the hotel.


----------



## Pink Peony (Sep 24, 2012)

Coffee Amore said:


> Several Voice Activated Recorders, Keylogger, a private investigator..
> 
> What if you surprised him on one of these trips by showing up there after he went there? I don't know...maybe this is a bad idea. But on the other hand, I can think of at least two people on the Coping With Infidelity board who discovered their spouses infidelity by surprise visits at the hotel.


I tried the voice recorder on one of his trips before, but it only recorded for 12 hrs and by the time I got any convos on it, it was out of recording time. Need to get another one. But was terrified the entire time that he would find it and then how would I explain it. Not sure about keylogger, never looked into that. Suprising him would be out of the question, esp on a trip with the bosses. Too scared to go that route. I want to hire a PI, but will have to find ways to tuck away money without him knowing to do so. Ideally, I want a PI in the area where he goes fishing. That is where the truth will be revealed.


----------



## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

You can find out a lot about keyloggers if you go to the Coping With Infidelity subforum on this site. The regulars there can tell you the best ones. It tracks keystrokes on the computer. I think the posters on that subforum can also tell you how to retrieve messages from mobile phones.


----------



## Pink Peony (Sep 24, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> The more you write, the more it seems like that's the scenario that's going on.
> 
> I bet you are overwhelmed! It's not the kind of situation most people would pick up on easily, as you know. You've really got to pay attention to get the real information, and in your situation, it's one where you don't know if you should feel betrayed, offer support, or what!
> 
> ...



Love your posts!!! Very helpful and informative!!! Thank you for all the incite :smthumbup:


----------



## Pink Peony (Sep 24, 2012)

Coffee Amore said:


> You can find out a lot about keyloggers if you go to the Coping With Infidelity subforum on this site. The regulars there can tell you the best ones. It tracks keystrokes on the computer. I think the posters on that subforum can also tell you how to retrieve messages from mobile phones.


Retrieving messages would be helpful. He used to bring his laptop home from work then that all stopped for some reason. Therefore, I don't have access to his computer. The company also used to give him a monthly allowance for his cell phone, so I had access to his phone records. 2 years ago they decided to take over his plan and pay it themselves through the company . I know he deletes a lot from his phone though...


----------



## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I don't know of any straight guys that would submit to homosexual sex for a job promotion. I think that theory is a real stretch. 

The semen stains in the underwear is highly suspicious. If he was masturbating presumably he would clean up before donning his underwear. Stains would indicate a tryst of some sort and hurried dressing afterwards.

At this point I would think if nothing else you want to make sure you're only engaging in protected sex. Too many red flags here.


----------



## Pink Peony (Sep 24, 2012)

NaturalHeart said:


> It wont come out as your hubby *being a grown man was forced to go on these trips and have these sexcapades* with the top dogs of his company. You may find out some things that may make you want to take your child and completely walk away from him . So just be careful and be very open to his role and his actions as well. Just focus on you and him and whatever serious suspicions you have; you address with him first.


He is a grown man but childish in his ways


----------



## Pink Peony (Sep 24, 2012)

UserAwaitingDeletion said:


> Hi,
> 
> I was struck by your post and may have posted prematurely without seeing the other replies which may well duplicate what I say but I want to post again just to strees you should prioritise your own sexual health first.
> 
> ...


I have my annual appt in a couple of weeks, but am terrified to know the answers. 2 years ago I went in for my annual appt only to find out that I had cancerous cells on my cervix. The last stage before becoming cancer. I am 35 and have only had 3 sexual partners in my life one of which is my husband. My dr said it probably came from HPV. I have always wondered if it could have come from my husband esp with my suspicions. Oddly enough, both of the bosses wives have abnormal paps everytime they go. Could be unrelated, but who knows.


----------



## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

At this point...I'm just trying to think of ways for you to save up the PI money sooner.

You're not going to be able to get anything out of him, (including whether he's victim or volunteer)...until you have hard evidence.

What do you think the effect of seeing himself in a bunch of compromising photos would be?

Do you think he would confess then? Probably your only shot for total honesty

So hmmm...could you start...idk...going to "some woman's house" (someone a girlfriend recommended) for regular acupuncture or facials or massages...or some other service that's fairly expensive each session and something that you'd need to pay cash for...and wouldn't require you to bring home any proof of it? Maybe lessons would work too: horseback riding, painting etc?

Idk...that's what I've come up with for now...


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

They make semen testing kits? Really? 

Have you guys ever watched shows or movies with gay people or couples? You know something with a very heavy gay romantic story or something very emotionally charged like Milk? 
What is his reaction to things like that? 
Have you ever watched mmf porn together?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Also do you guys use condoms? If not next time he finishes inside you wait a while and do the test on your own undies. If it comes up negative you know the test is no good.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

Some labs will do DNA testing on semen. Have a look into that. Find another man's semen and you have what you need.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

You need a PI ASAP. Use a credit card and see if the PI can charge it as something else. At least call one and talk to one. That should be free. Find out how much you have to save. Borrow from a family member. The answers you need are more important than money.


----------



## Pink Peony (Sep 24, 2012)

You all make some very valid points! I know I need a PI asap. However, I face some dilemmas with doing so. 

Money aside, I just do not know how to go about doing it and have debated it for years. Problem is, is that I feel like I would be wasting my money hiring a local PI to follow him here. The occurances do not seem to be as frequent and not sure how long it would take to find any if anything at all out. But, I could be wrong about this. 

Last Saturday though, he had to meet one of his bosses at the office (which the office complex is not easily accessable without being seen to go there and spy) to sign paper work for a house that we have put an offer on. Yes, a stupid offer on another home that my husband has to have for his continued need to feel and look $ucce$$ful. IDK anymore, I just go with the flow. Anyway, he was at the office with his boss for 45mins which in reality he should have been done in 15mins. Came home worked in the yard, later took a shower, and the next day I checked his boxers and there was the white stains by his anal area and some in the front. I know for a fact that he did not masturbate at home before taking a shower because I was sure to observe his where abouts so that if I did find something in his underwear I would be able to rule that out. He does not use creams, as he does not have any at home to do so. He does not have hemorrhoid cream here either, unless for some reason he has it at work. Would be rather odd though for him to get to the office that day and apply hemorrhoid cream to himself....right??? 

Therefore, I think I would have a better shot at hiring a PI out of town where he goes on his trips. Major problem is that fishing trips will be done now until next April or May. Usually with his business trips, most of the time I never know until last minute that he is going, where he will be traveling, and who he is traveling with. Thus, making it extremely difficult to hire a PI under these circumstances. There have also been instances where he travels to somewhere and says he will be staying at one hotel and ends up staying someplace different because he claims that the other one was booked up????? 

As I have said before, my husband and his bosses are very intelligent men and I know they take drastic measures not to get caught. Except for their stinking underwear. I've always wanted to know what the other wives think and if they have the same concerns, but they are definitely not ones that will talk and would turn around and tell their husbands anyway.

I guess I could look into DNA testing labs. Problem is, I wouldn't know what to submit considering so many of his boxers contain semen stains. So wouldn't know if it was just from him masturbating.

This all just sucks. I know in my heart and have for a long time that something is going on. I may not have any "hard" evidence but from everything that I have found (and the things that I have mentioned are only a fraction of them), his behavior changes after starting with this company, his increasing appetite for success and material things, his quick move up the ladder, his defensive actions when I confront him about things where he should not be defensive and yelling at the top of his lungs, face turning red, and veins popping out of his neck, and so on and so on. The list is extensive.

All that being said, I have just been in denial for all of these years trying to convince myself that this is not happening and that I must just be crazy. Hoping that at some point all of these findings would suddenly come to an end and just disappear. Unfortunetly they have not. 

So here I am now facing my biggest fears. A stay at home mom with my innocent little girl's heartache at stake. Why did you leave daddy mommy, I miss daddy, why can't daddy be here with us anymore mommy.....it plays over and over in my head and brings me to tears. How will I survive, where will we live, will I be able to get a good paying job to support us (as I have been out of the workforce for so long), will I ever want another man seeing as how I have been played for so long by this one, are there even any good men out there anymore, etc., etc. 

15 years down the damn drain it seems. What a freakin waste.

So when I do get the hard evidence that I so badly need for my own sanity, then what. Will he try to make some lame excuse for his actions to try to prove his innocence, probably so. Will he let his bosses know about it, probably so. Will they fire him, don't know. Will they come after me to keep their secrets safe, don't know. Will I fear my life, maybe. Should I confront their wives with the evidence 1st so that they can see the lies too, I don't know. Is it possible that they may already know what goes on and are just ok with it because the money is so good, I don't know. So what should I do, I DON'T KNOW........


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I'd roll up on him at work, but that's me. If theres something I want to know, not much will keep me from knowing it. If it means I have to leave 15 min after he does to go where he says he's going, I'd do it. Make up some story when I got there if I found nothing. 

Too many signs here for me not to play I spy my damn self.


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Take his boxers to test for DNA. It the stains on the back is from a condom or semen, you have your answers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Pink Peony (Sep 24, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> I'd roll up on him at work, but that's me. If theres something I want to know, not much will keep me from knowing it. If it means I have to leave 15 min after he does to go where he says he's going, I'd do it. Make up some story when I got there if I found nothing.
> 
> Too many signs here for me not to play I spy my damn self.


Problem there is he leaves for work 30 mins or more before I leave to take my daughter to school and by that point he's an hour ahead of me. He's not doing what he's doing at the office during the work week. Far too many employees work there. Lunch is probably when it may be happening. But I have to pick my daughter up from school around the time they go for lunch. I don't have anyone close by that would be able to pick her up for me. And If I just decided to keep her out of school one day, she would say something to my husband. Def, couldn't take her with me either because she would say something as well.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Pink Peony said:


> Problem there is he leaves for work 30 mins or more before I leave to take my daughter to school and by that point he's an hour ahead of me. He's not doing what he's doing at the office during the work week. Far too many employees work there. Lunch is probably when it may be happening. But I have to pick my daughter up from school around the time they go for lunch. I don't have anyone close by that would be able to pick her up for me. And If I just decided to keep her out of school one day, she would say something to my husband. Def, couldn't take her with me either because she would say something as well.


I'd do it anyway. See how many stains come up when he finds out you're onto his sneaking around. 

I wouldn't stand for this. Woman or man, bottom line is he's most likely cheating and trying desperately to hide it from you. He's got a secret lifestyle and by any means necessary, I'd want to expose it. I couldn't live with the suspicion.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

You could also stop washing all the pairs of underwear you find with those stains and confront him with them.

"I've noticed these stains in your boxers now for about .... do you care to explain to me what they are, because I've drawn my own conclusions and let's just say, they aren't pretty."


----------



## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> You could also stop washing all the pairs of underwear you find with those stains and confront him with them.
> 
> "I've noticed these stains in your boxers now for about .... do you care to explain to me what they are, because I've drawn my own conclusions and let's just say, they aren't pretty."


:iagree: :iagree: 

But only after you've had them tested to find out EXACTLY what it is, and present it all to him.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I wouldn't get it tested. Not too many things it COULD be, unless he has some medical condition. It's either lube or semen or both. He doesn't own hemorroid cream, it's not desitin. He's a grown man with something funky running out of his ass and into his shorts on a pretty regular basis and suspiciously AFTER he spends solo time with his boss. 

I'm not a PI, but come on.


----------



## [email protected] (Jan 30, 2012)

Do you have the means to hire someone? A private det, although I will be honest you sound like you have the makings of a great one. Maybe this is the only way to get the concrete evidence its clear you need. When I suspected my husband of cheating I was in the same boat I didn't feel he would come right out and be honest and I wanted terribly to hire someone but I just didn't have the extra cash to see that plan thru but if you do maybe this is the way to get the hard evidence you need to put your mind at rest either way.


----------



## Pink Peony (Sep 24, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> I wouldn't get it tested. Not too many things it COULD be, unless he has some medical condition. It's either lube or semen or both. He doesn't own hemorroid cream, it's not desitin. He's a grown man with something funky running out of his ass and into his shorts on a pretty regular basis and suspiciously AFTER he spends solo time with his boss.
> 
> I'm not a PI, but come on.


Knowing him far too well, he will make up excuses left and right. Umm, let's see....I like to masturbate sometimes at work, when I'm on trips away from you I like to play with myself, I used anal beads and maybe it was from lotion I used, sometimes I like to wear condoms when I masturbate, etc. Knowing myself that his excuses are a load of crap, esp under the circumstances when some of these stains occur. Even with DNA testing, he'll still make excuses. I need to see him doing these acts with my own eyes or from the eyes of a PI. Only then will he not be able to make any damn excuses because pictures don't lie!


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Okay, I haven't read the entire thread, but I have PERSONAL experience with this issue, unfortunately.

My husband, after a TBI, decided he was bi-sexual after 25 years of marriage (we're almost at 29 now).

Surprise! The knowledge and how to accept and deal with it almost destroyed me - physically and mentally.

First of all, you need to confront and find out if what you suspect is true. He will probably deny, deny, deny at first, but you might get him to at least discuss it.

Second, you need support from other spouse's (women mostly, but there are some men too) that are going through this. PM me and I will give you the information for several groups where you can discuss and get support, I'm a member of two and they have been very helpful--they KNOW what I'm dealing with as they are going through the same things.

Third--you need decide what you are going to do with this information. Is this a deal breaker for your marriage--it doesn't have to be; can you work within the confines of his new-found (or possibly old-found) sexuality; what are YOU going to do?

I know how you feel, truly I do and I know how you feel betrayed, hurt, angry, less than and a ton of other emotions. It will take time to process them and get your head on straight--don't do anything rash until you can confirm, then deal with that, then decide what is best for you and your family.

You are more than welcome to PM me anytime.


----------



## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Pink Peony said:


> sometimes I like to wear condoms when I masturbate,


This has me :scratchhead: ................. I don't know any man that does that. 

:scratchhead:


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

southern wife said:


> This has me :scratchhead: ................. I don't know any man that does that.
> 
> :scratchhead:


Lubricated and no mess to clean up. What's not to like?


----------



## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Chris Taylor said:


> Lubricated and no mess to clean up. What's not to like?


If you say so, but wouldn't a condom take away sensation?


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

What is a TBI?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

diwali123 said:


> What is a TBI?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Traumatic brain injury. Had one of those myself....kinda.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

