# Stay with him until I can replace him?



## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Yes, I know how that comes across. But let me give you some background…. 

For the past 6 months I have been dating a pretty great guy, “SD”. I had known him for a few years professionally (customer me /service provider - him) prior to getting to know him more personally. Admittedly it started out mostly as a FWB situation as both of us had just gotten out of serious relationships. But as time went on and we spent more and more time together feelings started to develop on both our parts. We see each other 4-5 times a week and he has become one of my best friends. He surprised me at Christmas by taking a few days off of work and driving 6 hours to spend the holiday with me and my family. I will bring him and his employees lunch sometimes and I will dog/cat/house sit for him when he travels. By all accounts we are in a loving and happy relationship. 

But, (there is always a but…..)

Even though we are not dating and/or having sex with anyone else (that I know of!) we are not officially exclusive or committed. Never had those formal discussions. But a few weeks ago this started to weigh heavily on me. My feelings for him grew and, in turn, so did my expectations for “us”. So when he returned from seeing his daughter in another country, I decided to sit him down. I told him how I felt about him and told him that I wanted a more solid foundation. I told him I felt like I was floundering. I explained that I was emotionally ready to be in a more serious relationship; whether that was with him or with someone else. Although he had a lot of wonderful things to say about me and what we had together he couldn’t give me what I was asking for. I took a few days to think about it and made the decision to break it off. The last thing SD said to me that night was, “For what it’s worth, I love you”. That both melted and broke my heart but I wanted more than just words. For the first week without him I was downright miserable. Not because I was lonely but because I missed him so much. The following week was better because I knew I made the right choice for me. But last weekend he had flowers delivered to my home with a lovely “missing you” card attached. I texted him to come over that night and when he did we basically picked up where we left off….with one exception….. 

I’ve thrown my walls back up. I removed any and all expectations I had of him and for us. I am compartmentalizing my feelings. I have adopted a new attitude that if I see him, I see him. If I don’t, I don’t. I stopped doing all those little relationship things couples do. I’m reverting back to our initial FWB arrangement. But I’m still happy. I love spending time with him. The sex is great. He’s still my best friend. But in the meantime I am now very much open to meeting someone else but I don’t want to give up this wonderful relationship until I do. 

*Is this wrong? Unhealthy?* I am a pretty balanced person overall in life. I gave SD the “right of first refusal” when it came to taking our relationship to the next level but he passed it up. But if I can keep it real and keep what we have in perspective then why not keep him until I can replace him? Because when I do meet someone else I’d be ending all contact with SD because I feel it would be disrespectful to new guy. 

And I should also note that the reason I can keep things in perspective now is because I found out that when his ex-girlfriend and daughter come back to the United States they are going to have to live with him for an undetermined amount of time. EXGF was deported back to her country and she took their daughter with her. But once she is able to re-enter the US he is going to support/sponsor her. If he doesn’t then she won’t come back to the United States with their daughter as she has no place to live here. So, yeah. turns out this is why he doesn’t want to move us to a new level. Or it could be complete bulls**t for all I know and EXGF isn’t really an “ex” and I’m just a bookmark. But that’s another thread for another time!


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Irish,
I have read your previous threads and posts so I offer the following opinion. You know your reality on the ground best but from an outside looking point of view I offer the following:

You and you SO came out of serious relationships and within 6 months of that you became "friends with benefits." Usually when a woman has sex with a man she naturally expects an emotional connection and a relationship to follow. Very FEW women that I know can truly have sex without feelings. This is more of a male trait. Men, on the other hand, can become sexually involved without emotion. It sounds like this is what happened to you.

Is it possible that you two are just rebound relationships for each other? Based on your SO's current situation he is going to have to be heavily invested in his ex in order to be with his daughter. Will you feel like an outsider there? What is his relationship to his ex? You hit on it in your post, is she truly an ex? 

Your question of whether you should stay with him until you replace him is entirely up to you based on what you want. You wanted more than "friends with benefits" and he said no. Time to reassess what you value and then decide if you want FWB until you can find someone else. I do think you are right to have your walls up. You showed yourself to him and he rejected you. That must have hurt. 

In the end, you know your reality better than anyone else and what is in your heart. Make the best choice for you.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

IrishGirlVA said:


> The last thing SD said to me that night was, “For what it’s worth, I love you”.
> 
> *The best response for this is "Well, it's worth exactly the amount of commitment you're willing to prove."*
> 
> ...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Why "stay with him until I can replace him"? It's possible you might benefit from some time alone.


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## Angel5112 (Jul 25, 2011)

I don't think it is wrong or unhealthy as long as you can refrain from becoming attached like you were. There is nothing wrong with two consenting adults having a casual sexual relationship. The only problem is that continued sexual contact usually leads to an emotional bond, as you found out. You know yourself best. Can you keep yourself from getting attached again?

One thing that does bother me is that he is still stringing you along even though he has made it clear that there is no long term prospect, at least on his side of things. What is that all about? If he "loves you" and "misses you" then he would find a way to support/sponsor his EX and still be with you. 

On a side note; If you really do believe that you are the other woman you should cut off contact altogether.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I couldn't do it. I'd feel like I was cheating on my FWB partner by even going on a date with someone else. And the. If the someone else partner asked questions about your past, it might get messy. I think you had the right initial response... If the relationship is a dead end, it's time to move on. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Oh, and moving on may give him the in entice to realize what he's giving up. Right now, he's getting what he wants on his terms. So there's no reason for him to reconsider the situation. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

How can you replace him if you are with him?


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Married in VA: Yes, it's very possible we were both rebounds for each other which is why we kept the relationship casual at first. And you are right, it is difficult for women to have a FWB without eventually feeling an emotional connection. I expected that. But both of us were pretty blindsided by the fact that we got as close as we did. And no, I would not be able to accept his ex coming back and living in his home. A couple months ago he told me there was a possibility her citizenship was going to go through and she'd be back "within a few days". Even got plane tickets purchased. I broke it off. We both cried. It was very painful to say goodbye. And his relationship with his ex is friendly. It has to be. She has his daughter. 


Kathy: When you read what you wrote, ""Well, it's worth exactly the amount of commitment you're willing to prove", my stomach sank. Because you are absolutely right. I really cherished those words he said to me and now they seem so empty because of his actions. But I needed to hear it. As far as his daughter, he wanted to keep his daughter here in the States (she is legal) but he works so many long hours he didn't feel it was fair to his daughter to not have a parent around full time. And he has no family support. He doesn't want to be a long distance father either. He has a son from a previous marriage who was born when he was stationed in Iraq. He made many mistakes with his son and wasn't there for him. Even today his son calls him by his first name. He doesn't want to repeat those mistakes. 

It's just an overall sad situation. I very much desire a committed, happy and healthy relationship. Someone once said to me, "You won't find what you want until you stop accepting what you don't want". I stopped accepted the fact that SD can give me what I want so I'm keeping my options open. But you both are giving me a lot to think about. I need these outside perspectives. I am not able to see this situation for what it is sometimes.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Angel5112 said:


> I don't think it is wrong or unhealthy as long as you can refrain from becoming attached like you were. There is nothing wrong with two consenting adults having a casual sexual relationship. The only problem is that continued sexual contact usually leads to an emotional bond, as you found out. You know yourself best. Can you keep yourself from getting attached again?
> 
> One thing that does bother me is that he is still stringing you along even though he has made it clear that there is no long term prospect, at least on his side of things. What is that all about? If he "loves you" and "misses you" then he would find a way to support/sponsor his EX and still be with you.
> 
> On a side note; If you really do believe that you are the other woman you should cut off contact altogether.


I ask myself those two questions all the time. Especially that last one. And I get pissed off thinking about it which is what is helping me keep things in perspective. As far as finding a way to sponsor/support his ex and still be with me? Yeah -- I don't know. She doesn't drive and doesn't even have a high school education. She can't support herself financially and he can't support two households. Her coming back is a ticking time bomb. Even if she knew about me I wouldn't be able to accept the dynamic change in our relationship. I'd no longer be able to go to his home, etc. That kind of thing. I'd be ousted. And when his daughter is finally home, he'll want to be with her as much as he can. And I 100% support that.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

So are you willing to be mommy to his kids? If yes, then you're ready for a relationship with him. If he isn't willing to let you, then he's not serious about you in the first place.

I would encourage you to hold out for the relationship you want and don't let yourself be a convenience to him until he's back with baby mama. You deserve to have your wishes be as important as anyone else's.

I think he's stringing you along, too. Why *doesn't* she know about you if he "loves" you? Even if you aren't in a committed relationship, that doesn't mean you deserve to be treated like a dirty little secret. If they're truly broken up, why wouldn't it be natural for her to know he's dating again?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Break up with him...then find a replcement. 

Don't be a tree monkey.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

PBear said:


> Oh, and moving on may give him the in entice to realize what he's giving up. Right now, he's getting what he wants on his terms. So there's no reason for him to reconsider the situation.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I tried that. It didn't work. It lasted a couple weeks until he sent me those flowers last weekend. So I felt at the time my two choices were -- 1) be miserable without him or 2) go back to a glorified FWB situation with the knowledge it will definitely be ending when I find a new guy or when his ex and daughter come back. 

The relationship is not necessarily dead but it does have a dead end. Yeah, I'm just stalling the inevitable. And as one poster said, maybe I do just need to be alone for a while and regroup. I just really love this guy's company and want to keep it as long as possible. It's hard....


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

IrishGirlVA said:


> I tried that. It didn't work. It lasted a couple weeks until he sent me those flowers last weekend. So I felt at the time my two choices were -- 1) be miserable without him or 2) go back to a glorified FWB situation with the knowledge it will definitely be ending when I find a new guy or when his ex and daughter come back.
> 
> The relationship is not necessarily dead but it does have a dead end. Yeah, I'm just stalling the inevitable. And as one poster said, maybe I do just need to be alone for a while and regroup. I just really love this guy's company and want to keep it as long as possible. It's hard....


It didn't work because you went back to him on his terms, not yours. The correct response would have been either no response, or a message like "Thank you for the flowers, but I need a deeper relationship, not fluff". And then silence again. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Glad I wrote this post. Reading your responses was the wake up call I needed. I'm a doormat. But of course this whole time I'm thinking I'm back in control because of my new "perspective" and all my other blah blah blah crap! I see that is so not the case. 

Thanks. I can see more clearly now.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I don't think you are a doormat. But it seemed like you were willing to "settle" for something that felt good for now, but at the risk of never finding what you truly wanted. Been there, done that. 

Good luck with your quest!

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

An update --- 

I sent him an email and broke it off. For good. I left no room for him trying to woo his way back into my life. All he had to say was "OK" and he thanked me for everything I have done for him. 

I'm feeling ambivilant; which is good I guess. I did come here for advice and I took all that you said to heart. It sank in. Time to live my life more authentically. 

I thought about how I would respond to someone else who might write a post like mine and I would have given her the same advice you all had given me. 

Thanks to all.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

IrishGirlVA said:


> An update ---
> 
> I sent him an email and broke it off. For good. I left no room for him trying to woo his way back into my life. All he had to say was "OK" and he thanked me for everything I have done for him.
> 
> ...


Good. There is something very wrong with his story about her being deported and then her "citizenship going through".

Someone who is actually deported will have a ban on re-entry for a length of time that depends on what they were deported for. If they have gained re-entry it isn't going to be because of citizenship - that is impossible. They are going to need to go through a whole process of acquiring permanent residency first.

The basis for her entry (her visa) is a huge question here. Saying he is "sponsoring" her in immigration-speak means he signed an I-134 affadavit of support, which is usually done with a fiance or spousal entry visa. She is much more than an ex-girlfriend no matter how you look at this, and it looks to me like he has concealed something about the nature of her immigration as it relates to the two of them.


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## empty3 (Mar 12, 2013)

I can totally understand why you'd wanna stay with him until someone else came along but the longer you stay with him the more attached you'll become.. Also, as he continues to be nice and you both have fun and bond some more, you are naturally going to "hope" that he might change his mind and commit to you the way you want hime to.
Make yourself available, emotionally and physically for someone else. It's inevitable that you'll fall deeper and deeper in love no matter how high your walls are.
I feel for you. It's a difficult situation. Good luck.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

empty3 said:


> I can totally understand why you'd wanna stay with him until someone else came along but the longer you stay with him the more attached you'll become.. Also, as he continues to be nice and you both have fun and bond some more, you are naturally going to "hope" that he might change his mind and commit to you the way you want hime to.
> Make yourself available, emotionally and physically for someone else. It's inevitable that you'll fall deeper and deeper in love no matter how high your walls are.
> I feel for you. It's a difficult situation. Good luck.


Irish: glad to hear you were able to make the decision to move on with your life. I sncerely hope you find a GREAT guy!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Your welcome Irish. It is truly hard for a woman to be in an FWB situation without the emotional attachment. It is hard for some men as well. I am pleased to see you made the right decision for YOU.

I'm always glad to help out a fellow Virginian.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You absolutely made the correct decision. 

The right person is out there.


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## MissMe (Feb 26, 2013)

I am not able to see this situation for what it is sometimes. 

That's what you said. Totally agree.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

PBear said:


> *I think you had the right initial response... If the relationship is a dead end, it's time to move on. *
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

IrishGirlVA said:


> An update ---
> 
> I sent him an email and broke it off. For good. I left no room for him trying to woo his way back into my life. All he had to say was "OK" and he thanked me for everything I have done for him.
> 
> ...


Great to hear! Now go have some fun! Enjoy life!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Just be up front with him.

Tell him you're looking for a commitment and if he's not going to give it to you you'll be looking for iit elsewhere.
Let him know you're fine with the FWB situation but you will end it the moment the possibility for an actual commitment comes up.

This might be just fine with him, it might cause him to end it or it could act as a not so subtle push to get him to commit.
Either way should be ok with you

Edit:

Or just forget everything I just said as it seems you have it worked out.

Note to self:
Read the whole damn thread first

.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

freeeeeee fallin!

nice start the first day of the rest of your life.


but he will try for a booty call in the future.....be prepared by saying no thanks.


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