# What the ****?? So Lost



## Not4u (Mar 2, 2011)

My H and I separated back in June. Basically it as because he had mid-life crisis at thirty and decided he needed to go out and party and ***** around. It was brought on by us having our first child. He just seemed to crumble under the responsibility and became very very selfish. Drank too much for sure! 
Anyway, I could live with that. It was hard but I had a baby to take care of and that had to take priority over everything else. Oddly enough, I accidentally pulled the 180 on him and he asked me to reconcile in the beginning of December. And that is when things got even worse. I strongly suspected early on that he may still be hanging around the girl he dated while we were separated. Then a mutual friend told me he went over there and she had been there. My H said she was just picking her stuff up ... an dI stupidly decided to believe him. Well, January goes by and I'm still not trusting him. So I called her (and yes, I stole her number from his phone). We talked for quite a while and it turned out he'd been seeing both of us the entire time. Well, I automatically dropped out of it. I told him I didn't trust him and that I couldn't keep seeing him. I didn't mention that I'd talked to the OW. It seemed irrelevant really. He'd just tell me she lied anyway. The point was I'd actually spied on him and called her. I trusted him that little. It was crazy. So, I started focusing on me and my son the last while. I started feeling good. Like I could move on finally. Like I'd gotten closure. He and the OW broke up too, and she told him we talked. But they got back together a couple weeks ago ... and already broke up yet again! Anyway, he's been coming around. Being oddly friendly. anting to spend time with me. And suddenly he tells me he loves me and wants to try again! That I'm his soul mate! Yet, a month ago when I dumped his butt, he told me he didn't love me or have passion for me anymore. that he loved her. Our friend said she believed he said it to hurt me cause he was angry and hurting himself ... but really! Why should I forgive him? Why do I feel like i'm being mean and unresonable for saying it feels too late. He's offering counselling. Admitting he has problems that he needs help with. Driving me nuts with all the charm and kindness and concern. I just don't know what to do anymore. How can I forgive him? Should I try to? I feel like an idiot even considering it. I'd probably be too embarrassed to ever face my friends and family again. they'd all think I as an idiot. 
Sorry, mostly I'm ranting I know. But any thoughts or helpful advice would be appreciated.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'd ask you, at what point is enough? He's left and come back 3 times now? He's lied to you, cheated on you (and lied about it), left you and your son stranded... 

Why would you believe him now, about being your "soul mate"? Especially when you know that he no longer has his OW? No matter what he says, I'd guess this has much more to do with him wanting "someone" in his life, regardless of who it is. 

If you do take him back, I'd have a long list of conditions. Complete transparency on his part with regards to e-mails, computers, account passwords, phone records, bank accounts, etc. Regular counseling sessions (joint and/or individual). And being very clear that this is a last chance, with any breaking of the conditions grounds for immediately punting his butt out. 

You could just try dating for awhile... See if the charm, kindness, concern continue for 6 months, or if he gets another flavor of the month and wanders off again.

But personally, I figure after 3 tries, you've seen his true colors... Unless you like living on the roller coaster, you're likely better off distancing yourself from him.

C


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Maybe it's just me but if you leave me you are dead to me. Dead. Don't ever come back. Don't ever talk about coming back. Don't bother.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

PBear said:


> I'd ask you, at what point is enough? He's left and come back 3 times now? He's lied to you, cheated on you (and lied about it), left you and your son stranded...
> 
> Why would you believe him now, about being your "soul mate"? Especially when you know that he no longer has his OW? No matter what he says, I'd guess this has much more to do with him wanting "someone" in his life, regardless of who it is.
> 
> ...



:iagree:


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Maybe it's just me but if you leave me you are dead to me. Dead. Don't ever come back. Don't ever talk about coming back. Don't bother.


I have to say, I sort of agree. I wouldn't be able to take someone back if they cheated on me. I have zero tolerance for cheaters and could never go back to that. All trust would be lost no matter how much counseling and crap he promised to go to. Once you sleep with someone else, you give up the right to be with me. 
Please, I know its hard, Ive been cheated on my fair share of times, and trust me, once is enough to leave a scar, but more than once? It hurts xsomething fierce and you have to say okay, am I going to keep letting this happen to me? Complete WITH lying? Bull****!!
Be strong for your son. He doesn't need a floosy drunken dad around that close to him.
Im thinking he never wanted a divorce and is another one of those classic cases of "I'll have my cake & eat it too" kind of guys. Only you can say if you want to deal with that again. This may not be true for everyone, but in my prev. relationship eexperience, once a cheater always a cheater. They often are repeat offenders. 
I wish the best for you and your son. All I can say is go with your gut, not your heart. Our hearts very seldomly make wise, rational decisions. So go with your gut and think it out in your head.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Not4u (Mar 2, 2011)

Thank You! I have to admit that my gut and head and heart are all screaming 'enough is enough'. I don't want to go through all of this again. I don't want my son to have to grow up around this crap. I want him to see happiness so that he can recognize it and find it himself. I want him to see strength. I want to protect him. But my stbx is making me feel like I'm being unereasonable ... he's very good at making me feel wrong! So I started to question myself a little. 
Thank you all so much!!!


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Its your call and he did lie to you a lot. 

People do change. It is possible that he wants to become the man you want.

I changed, but I don't think I was as bad as your husband.

I'm thankful my wife went to MC with me and gave me a 2nd shot.


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