# single mom wants to get married.. what should i do?



## adviceforme2011 (Sep 26, 2011)

I have known this girl for over 12 months now and things are going great between us. 
I come from a conservative family, my mom and dad are married for 35 years now, and are old fashioned. This girl I’m dating is a single mother, has been divorced and she has a 4 year old adorable little girl. Her ex is an ex con and recently got out of jail. She has custody of the kid for now but her ex started paying child support and wants to have her girl in his live. I’m not sure what to do….
My parents tell me that I’m making a big mistake. The girl wants to get married with me and she wants to get engaged. If we are not going to be a family what is the point of us staying together. That’s what she says. I’m a little confused what to do. I know I love her, but I also know that my family will not approve such thing…. Should I marry against my family wish? I love her, but should I expect any complications in the future when the baby grows and the fathers kid gets involved? 

Anyone with such experience?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It's wrong to string this woman along. She has enough to worry about plus a momma's boy who can't be his own man.

If you love her, tell your family to suck it. If you care more about what your family thinks, then let her go. You can't have it your way. 

I agree with her. If you aren't looking to become a family with her, then why stay together? She knows she wants to get married...to you or someone else. If you don't agree, LET HER GO.


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## adviceforme2011 (Sep 26, 2011)

she has a lot of debt 100K, has filed for Bankruptcy, has done drugs in the past and... she says she loves me but.... I make 250K+ so i'm not sure if she is just saying what I wnat to hear... or...


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I'm going to take another approach to this. It is possible that your parents are unfairly judging her based on their pre-conceptions, but you should also consider the possibility that they see red flags in her personality. I would ask them exactly what they do not like about her.

What crime did the former husband commit? Was it petty or serious? If you marry her, both of you will have to deal with him until the girl is grown, and even after that with weddings, etc. 

While you do need to make up your own mind about this, the lack of family support will hurt in that they may never warm up to her and her daughter. This will cause conflicts where your wife will expect you to take sides, and that will be difficult. The whole hearted support of both families is important as you try to establish a life together.

So yes, make up your own mind, but try to find out exactly why your parents do not like her.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Whoa, I just read your new post. $100,000 debt? RUN!! She did drugs? RUN! Why do you think she will be a good wife?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

adviceforme2011 said:


> she has a lot of debt 100K, has filed for Bankruptcy, has done drugs in the past and... she says she loves me but.... I make 250K+ so i'm not sure if she is just saying what I wnat to hear... or...


Then why have you been with her for a year?

Seriously, this, to me, doesn't sound like marriage material. Sorry. I wouldn't marry her. But to spend a year with her...knowing this? To me, that's a little much.


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## adviceforme2011 (Sep 26, 2011)

Well I feel like when I dont talk to her I feel really bad. People that see me when we have arguments or problems they always ask me what is wrong.... and when I get a text from her then my face lightens up... i dont know what to say... I even started smoking couse of her... because she smokes....I dont know... I have never been marreid before.. I dont know what to expect.... when we go out ... she never paid for anything at first until i said something... like when we would to go dinner she would not pay ... I did not mind paying... but she did not even offer to pay once until i said something.... why i think she would be a good wife? I dont know... I dont know what to expect.... I dont want to be alone right now or lose her.... Why have been with her until now.. i do find her very attractive....but isnt a year too soon to get married?.... people have told me that when I have kids with her I will see her kid and mind different? how true is that?


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

adviceforme2011 said:


> she has a lot of debt 100K, has filed for Bankruptcy, has done drugs in the past and... she says she loves me but.... I make 250K+ so i'm not sure if she is just saying what I wnat to hear... or...


If you make $250k a year and you're involved with an ex-cons ex-wife with massive debt and a kid, you're just doing it wrong.

Do yourself a favor and buy my book linked below. Flip to the end chapters about How to Choose A Wife and Marriage 2.0, then read the rest of it.


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## adviceforme2011 (Sep 26, 2011)

but what has money to do with it....?


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

If you have doubts then you answered your own question. Even under the best of circumstances it's a crap shoot. Tell her you love her but would like to spend more time together. Tell her how marriage is a huge deal to you and if you were meant to be then it shouldn't be rushed.


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## adviceforme2011 (Sep 26, 2011)

Oh.. I forgot, she had a felony like taking prescription drugs… but got reduced to a Misdemeanor
She said that she has been arrested a dozen times when she used to do drugs…and she has a tato that she does not even remember getting it… her husband got arrested more than her but the last time she said is because he robbed a bank…
am i just stupid...that I got my self attached to her? i do love her very much...


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## adviceforme2011 (Sep 26, 2011)

she got mad at me today because I asked her about her ex I asked her " so did your ex did an armed robbery ? how did he robbed the bank and she said she did not know... I told her that If my wife robbed a bank I would exactly know what happen.... " is that logical?


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Atolk, you sound like a spammer. 

Advice4me,
Atholk isn't spamming. His book is awesome. I'd advise getting a copy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

250+ k?

Want to get married? I'll even let you have an open marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

alphaomega said:


> 250+ k?
> 
> Want to get married? I'll even let you have an open marriage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I thought you just "manned up" ?  OP. Remember this.... since there is a child her ex will be in your life for a loooooong time.


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## adviceforme2011 (Sep 26, 2011)

so please what should i do? I need some advice on how to move forward.....


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## adviceforme2011 (Sep 26, 2011)

so what is your suggestions... let her go... ?


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Advise4me,

Well. No one is going to tell you what to do. You need to make up your own mind.

First off, you need to decide exactly why you love this woman. Is it because she gives you insane monkey sex, or is it deeper.

If it's just sex, then you need to determine if, all of a sudden, you didn't have sex eve again, would there be enough good qualities that you still love her. This is hypothetical, of course. No sex I very ver bad. But it will move your mind up from your di(k back into your head.

Second, money is a very big issue. And it definitely comes into the equation. If her ex had to rob banks to get the cash to meet her need for financial security, then right there...you are a big catch to her.

Third...there is a quote, don't know who from....probably someone's grandmother...that says...."show me your friends, and I will know all about YOU.". 
This lady used to keep in the company of bank robbers and did prescription drugs to get buzzed. Now, stereotypes aside....this is all not good background. Plus, she has 100k in debt. Not exactly chump change. 100k out of your pocket.

So, back to the question....should you marry?

Well....are you in love? Or are you a Nice Guy, who thinks he is in love? Are you spiking her and her kids, because you feel that the more you spend on her the happier she will be. And as a repayment, she will just ave to giv you incredible BJs and crazy ass monkey sex. Why? Because your nice, that's why.

If this is the answer, then trust me....this isn't love. It's a type of codependency. You do nice to get nice. And that formula doesn't work in the long term. Eventually, she will start losing respect fir you, and possibly start having affairs with "risky exciting men". You knw the type? Bank robbers come to mind here. 

If, after all this analysis, you think your truly in love...then marry her.

Personally, with your success, I could go out and find some crazy ass monkey love that was debt free. And, I wouldn't even have to play the hero.

Hell, even without your success, I could still manage the debt free status. 

Marriage is a union. You get married to grow together, support each other, and build an even more successful life together. If you think you can do that with this girl, then by all means get married. And screw the parents' blessings.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Yes, you are making a big mistake.
Good chance she is attracted to what you "represent" rather than you as a person.

Also, let's say you two get married and have a child. Can you imagine how this four year old girl's life will be and how that will seriously screw up your life? She will be the daughter of a criminal, living with you and your wife who have a new child that they greatly favor. Your future child will suffer as the current daughter lashes out at her lot in life.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Hicks said:


> Yes, you are making a big mistake.
> Good chance she is attracted to what you "represent" rather than you as a person.
> 
> Also, let's say you two get married and have a child. Can you imagine how this four year old girl's life will be and how that will seriously screw up your life? She will be the daughter of a criminal, living with you and your wife who have a new child that they greatly favor. Your future child will suffer as the current daughter lashes out at her lot in life.



You're taking a big "Lifetime movie of the week" leap there. 

Every week people on here give advice telling others that the "past is the past". That contradicts the advice given in this thread. You have your doubts, thats good becauase that means you're thinking through getting married instead of jumping feet first. If you are worried about how your parents will feel then you aren't mature enough to get married so don't. If you are worried about the financials there are ways to protect your assets. Talk to your lawyer to get your options. Talk to your girlfriend and let her know your concerns and some of the options the lawyer gave you to address them. If she isn't willing to alleviate some of your concerns then don't get married. If she is then go make it work. I am assumming that you love her and she loves you.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I do think that you need to ask yourself what you find attractive about her. Some women like bad boys; do you like a bad girl? Does she bring out the best in you? You started smoking with her--not a good sign.

Please step back and look at what you are doing. You should be looking for a woman who will bring positive qualities to your life, not someone who has massive debt and abused drugs. Take some time away from this relationship to cool off, and then view her more objectively.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I thing that the "past is the past" when it's been left behind and the person has grown and moved on. Has she? Is she still using drugs? Is she still running up debt? Is she still spending time with the same people that she did when she committed her own felony?

Like others have said, you probably need to take a look at what the positives are that she's bringing to the table. 

I have to wonder, is this your first really serious relationship? Because if it is, let me tell you, there are a lot of potential wives out there. No one has to settle for the first one, it's far better to wait and find the one that is a true match for values, goals, lifestyle etc. than to get married for the sake of getting married and enduring the heartache that comes with a bad match later on.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

adviceforme2011 said:


> so please what should i do? I need some advice on how to move forward.....


What do YOU want to do? Because nowhere in your posts have you said whether YOU want to get married or not. So which is it?


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## Mike188 (Dec 29, 2009)

What do your friends and family say? You already said that your parents don't like her. It's always easy to look at someone else's life or someone else's spouse and see all the flaws. They have an objective, unbiased view that you don't have. Ask your friends what they think about her. Tell them you want the truth. If they tell you sh eis no good then you need to find someone else. They know.

What kind of a guy are you? Are you a mover/shaker type that is good with people and rarely gets walked over or manipulated or are you more of a brainiac type making a lot of money but that has never been good with women or never been good at dealing with people? If it's the latter be very careful that she isn't manipulating you or has you wrapped around her little finger. Ever heard the term p***y whupped? Make sure that's not you.

I understand that people can sometimes have a bad past and have to rebuild their lives and improve themselves, but what is her life like RIGHT NOW? Where does she live? What kind of a house does she keep? Is she a good mother? Does she take care of her daughter or kind of neglect her? Does she like partying more than responsibility? Where does she work? Is she lazy? You're considering her to be your wife and to be the mother of your future children. 

If, since her arrest and troubled past, she has turned her life around, gone to school, gotten a good job, has a clean house, takes good care of her kids, is a respectable person, etc then that might show that she has changed. People rarely change though.


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## rikithemonk (Jun 8, 2011)

Come on now, this has got to be a troll. The only thing not wrong with this girl is a bad case of Herpes.

She is a criminal and has been in and out of jail.

She has a serious drug problem with hard prescription drugs.

She is hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt.

Her ex is a violent armed bank robber.

Seriously!?!? 

Marry her man. Don't let that one get away. That woman will make your life long and eventful all your remaining days. Boredom will not be an issue for you.

:smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Good one, Riki. I agree this seems like a bogus thread. Ridiculous situation.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

rikithemonk said:


> Come on now, this has got to be a troll. The only thing not wrong with this girl is a bad case of Herpes.
> 
> She is a criminal and has been in and out of jail.
> 
> ...


:lol: Yea. And he's making 250k....lol.


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

I'm thinking what "that girl" is thinking.....

Also, you are trying to rescue a damsel in distress----don't do it! (just my opinion)


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Why Not Be Happy? said:


> I'm thinking what "that girl" is thinking.....
> 
> Also, you are trying to rescue a damsel in distress----don't do it! (just my opinion)


I was just about to post this

I think you are more interested in being a white knight than actually have a real relationship. It's a bad dynamic. You can't always be the savior and she can't always be the victim.


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## adviceforme2011 (Sep 26, 2011)

why do I love this woman? 

- I have a great time.. I have never been married and I love her...I think about her all the time.. I always feel bad when I'm not with her...

yes.. she has grown and moved on.. she is still looking for a job, and finished her master degree but still looking for the right job.

This is not my first serious relationship.... I have dated 3 years before.. but did not work out... 

Do I want to get married or not? I do ....I love her...She lives with her father, she takes care of her daughter and .. she said that she only did coke for new years.. and she did not even called me to tell me hapapy new year.... we were away for the time being.... and I saw a few pictures where she looked like she was having fun with another guy.... she said that someone put some sort of drug on her drink and that's why she did coke...but then she said that we were not officially together.. while we have been hanging out for a few months before... 
Riki-- thanks for your coments...see you are using reverse psychology there.... I agree this is a rediculous situation.... but unforttunately i'm in it... ;(

That girl--- yes I'm making 250K+....and I have my house paid off as well. I live in NY but that is not that much around here...

Why not be happy --- Thanks for your advice.
She got mad at me a day ago and said that we are done but I know she loves me because she says so...but also the other day she told me that she can not imagine her life without me...


so i'm so confused and dont know what to do.. I agree with one of you that told me to cool off and take some time... 
I just dont know what to do.. I have been thinking all day about her today... 

I just dont know what to do.. I mean.. i guess i'm lacking social skills when it comes to dating... .....
Thanks for all your input


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I think you have realized the answer to your question. If you are lacking in social skills, you fear that you will have trouble getting another woman interested in you. NEVER SETTLE! Keep dating until you find the woman who meets your requirements in a spouse.

Do not allow the fog of romance to cloud your judgment. Stop dating this woman, go out with other people. Look at her objectively to see if she really has the qualities you want in a wife.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

mention pre-nup, and see how fast she runs. this girls going to take you for a financial ride.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Meh. I used to be a pothead. I was never arrested for it; here in the land of igloos, small amounts of weed are legal. The most someone will get is a ticket and most cops can't even be bothered to do that! There is no large scale government drug war up here, with people being thrown in jail for smoking a bloody joint.  The police here have *real *crimes to be concerned about. 

I stopped smoking years ago; it was just a phase and it has nothing to do with the kind of wife I am. Nobody is perfect and everyone has some sort of skeleton in their closets.

Of course, the OP has much more worrisome concerns about his girlfriend. She clearly enjoys crime, since she has been to jail several times and had a baby with a criminal. Her morals are very shaky.

OP, you sound like you are being badly influenced by her. Why did you feel the need to take up smoking? She is a single mom who has a history of crime and doesn't like to contribute financially-she is clearly after your money!


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