# Early Stages of separation help needed.



## MOOSEY (Apr 24, 2013)

Hi everyone, I tried to ask in the infidelity section but got no replies so here goes.
I have finally decided that I want to separate/divorce my WH.
I have managed to get him to move out and stay at his sisters temporarily, but I have no idea where to go from here.
I would love to keep the house, but we have just taken out an advance on our mortgage and monthly payments have doubled. I don't think I can afford the house on my own.
We don't earn very much and survive ok with both our salaries coming in, if he has to rent somewhere how could we afford it?

How on earth do you manage in these early stages to survive financially and start to make decisions? It's so overwhelming I dont know what my first steps should be, I have so many questions.
Any advice from people who have been through this??


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## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

Moosey,

I'm sorry about your situation. I know that several people have suggested an in-house separation, where one spouse moves to another bedroom, and they two live as though they were not together. I know that would not be an option for my husband and me, but is it possible that it could work for you?


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Most attorneys will give a free consultation appointment to discuss divorce and separation issues. It is a perfect place to discuss finances and future issues with someone that you know is charged with giving good advice.

The best part about this is that you will likely need an attorney at some point anyway so you kill two birds with one stone this way.


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## MOOSEY (Apr 24, 2013)

mattsmom said:


> Moosey,
> 
> I'm sorry about your situation. I know that several people have suggested an in-house separation, where one spouse moves to another bedroom, and they two live as though they were not together. I know that would not be an option for my husband and me, but is it possible that it could work for you?


Oh god noooo.
Apart from the fact that we have no 'spare' room, I could not do this. He is at the moment in complete denial that I am ending our marriage - he still insists we can work it all out. It doesn't matter what I say, he won't yet believe it. 
The only way I can get over him (still love him, hate what he’s done) is to move on with my life. I couldnt do this with him in the house.


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## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

I completely understand. My supervisor lived "separated" with her first husband for a year. There is just no way that could possibly work with my situation, either. Sorry I don't have any better advice.  I wish you the best.

Mattsmom


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Dang im sorry its come down to this, following your previous posts, I certainly understand why your done with it. Sounds like your pretty upside down in your housing situation, do they have bankruptcy in the UK? Can you move to a relatives place instead? parents? just to get the clean break? Being its gonna be virtually impossible to get out of this financially unscathed, you might just have to bite the bullet for your own sanity.


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## MOOSEY (Apr 24, 2013)

Having spoken to my mortgage company things may not be as bad as first seemed. I have a meeting with my solicitor next week so I will see what comes from that.

My STBXH is driving me insane at the moment. He refuses to accept that I want a D. He thinks if we just sit down and talk we can work things out. Even when I say I do not want to work things out, it is like he has not even heard me speak.
He says the same things over and over again, unable to believe I actually mean it.
He turned up at my work yesterday wanting to talk, but everything he said I'd heard before - he loves me - he can't live without me - how can I throw away all what we have - he will help me get over the things he did - he will always be here for me - blah blah blah.

Thing is, I am finding it difficult seeing him upset and crying.
Even though I know he does not deserve my sympathy, I guess I cannot switch off 20 years of caring for him. 
How do I stop caring what he is feeling?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Well, you arent going to stop CARING what he is feeling, but you need to focus on your goal. I have been in your shoes twice, and both times that I decided I was done with the marriage, I WAS DONE. They had more than ample chances to work to make things better, and didnt, so the pleas and tears and promises meant nothing. Is this where you are with things? If you are sure this is what you need to do, then just keep your focus on your goal, and your plan to move on. Those promises he is throwing out there is a man desperately afraid of the changes being made to his life. I wish you the best.


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## MOOSEY (Apr 24, 2013)

What a morning,
Had a call from SIL, H has been taken to hospital with chest pains.
They are currently running tests, I don't think he is in any danger though.

He had put a note through my door at 2.30am saying he loved me & couldn't sleep, please can we talk. I didn't see it till I got up for work though.

I can't concentrate at the moment, I feel guilty as I have not told the kids that their dad is in hospital. My son has an exam later today and is really stressed about it. I don't want to add to his stress if everything is ok with his dad as I believe it is. But I just feel in a dilema about it all.


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## MOOSEY (Apr 24, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> Well, you arent going to stop CARING what he is feeling, but you need to focus on your goal. I have been in your shoes twice, and both times that I decided I was done with the marriage, I WAS DONE. They had more than ample chances to work to make things better, and didnt, so the pleas and tears and promises meant nothing. Is this where you are with things? If you are sure this is what you need to do, then just keep your focus on your goal, and your plan to move on. Those promises he is throwing out there is a man desperately afraid of the changes being made to his life. I wish you the best.


I am DONE, without a doubt


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## MOOSEY (Apr 24, 2013)

He is being released from hospital soon, I don't think they have found anything serious. He is supposed to be calling round tonight to 'talk'. 
I will tell him that unless it is about money and living arrangements I do not wish to talk. 
Anyone know just exactly HOW I get him to see I'm serious about divorce?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

MOOSEY said:


> He is being released from hospital soon, I don't think they have found anything serious. He is supposed to be calling round tonight to 'talk'.
> I will tell him that unless it is about money and living arrangements I do not wish to talk.
> Anyone know just exactly HOW I get him to see I'm serious about divorce?


File divorce papers, and have him served?

C


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## MOOSEY (Apr 24, 2013)

Yes, I am seeing the solicitor on Tuesday and this is how I will be proceeding.
It's just that he doesn't even seem to listen to what I'm saying. It's frustrating to say the least.
I will live in hope that he gets the message when he receives the papers.


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