# husband and online dating sites



## Shot (Feb 24, 2010)

Last year my husband of 30 years joined an online adult dating site and posted a profile looking for "discreet relationships".,saying things were good but lacking that vital spark,and he wanted to try all the things he always wanted to do. when i confronted him with this he eventually apologized and said it was "silly" to have done that and he never wanted to hurt me like that again.Also most of the blame was put on me and I tried to make things better for us.I lost more than 25 pounds,and really tried to be more attentive,sexually adventurous and active.Fast forward one year and it is deja vous all ove ragain! This time he is looking at profiles on a popular singles site and receives matches to his inbox daily.A few month a ago he started prefrring internet porn to coming to bed with me and also trying to arken his gray hair just likke last year. Am I wrong to be so upset by this? Is it normal behavior? I feel he is looking for someone better before he leaves. I have not confronted him this time even though he left a window open on my computer that he was viewing his matches on.I need advice.


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## HindSight (Feb 24, 2010)

It's not normal, and your feelings are right on the money. Any one who wants to keep their marriage together would feel hurt by what he's doing.

I wouldn't put _all_ the blame on you, or him. Usually there are a lot of things that cause problems and I won't pretend to know all of what plagues your marriage. But, if I were you I would just find out how serious it all is. 

If _he_ feels self-conscious about himself, he could be looking at these sites not to have affairs, but to boost his own self confidence. Is there any way you can make a fake profile, pretend to be someone else, and see how far he takes it? 

I don't think my advice is necessarily the best, but _if it were me_ I would tell him that the marriage is equal: if he can venture out in that department, they so can you. Put your own profile up on the same site he's on. Let him see other men desire YOU. If he wants to look at porn, tell him he can have a turn when you are done looking at other naked men.  But, that is all mean. It's not nice or productive to be mean. 

OH, but as a side note...if he's saying that he's no longer turned on by you, have you asked him the age old question: "what exactly do you need from me to be good enough?" I mean, simply being "more adventurous" and "loosing 25" may not be specific enough. Hell, I've lost 55 pounds in the last 9 months...but I still have 20 more to go. (pregnancy sucks). Does he want you to be a certain size? Does he want you to be aggresive? Sometimes him just writing a formal paper list is all it takes for him to realize he's being a little too anal. It's one thing to request a few things of our spouses, it's another to say they totally suck. Also, if there is a "check list" and you meet it, and then there are still problems, then something else is the issue.

Last note (sorry this is so long): Just because he wants you to do certain things, does not mean he is exempt from change. If he wants you to loose weight, it is only fair that you give him a list too, like: he do the grocery shopping to avoid temptations. Or, if he wants you to go out of your comfort zone during sex, then take turns: this Friday you play dominatrix and next week he covers the bed in rose petals for you. It's not all a one-way street, and we all have our fantasies.


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## Shot (Feb 24, 2010)

Thanks for your reply.My husband never asked me to do any of the things I did for him.I just did them to try to be more appealing to him.I told him about what I saw on the comp this weekend because he was angry with me for not initiating sex with him last night and I wanted him to know why.He never tried to come near me in bed so the fact that he is mad because I didn't chase him pisses me off given the circumstances..So far absolutely no response and minimal replies to everyday conversation.I even told him I believe one of our college age children saw it too.I could stand to lose 10 more pounds but at this point i honestly don't really care anymore.He is 60 years old[11 year older than me] and not exactly a stud himself.although he has always had a sizeable ego.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

HindSight said:


> Is there any way you can make a fake profile, pretend to be someone else, and see how far he takes it?


that's a great idea! i wish i had thought of that when i found my H on dating sites. You could show up at a meeting place and his jaw would fall through the floor. He'd be so scared to ever meet another women online.


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## dantanph (Feb 7, 2010)

Your husband sounds like mine. Anyways, I caught my husband re-activating his AFF account. I know about it but not confronting him. I am gathering evidence that I can use later if things go worst.


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## cherrypie18 (Feb 21, 2010)

Check out the movie "The Truth About Love" starring Jennifer Love Hewitt... the guy pretty much cheats on his wife with his wife.


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## lmw71 (Aug 20, 2015)

My husband is also registered on dating sites mostly hook up sites. I am really upset by this but I feel I can not do anything about it. I have confronted him and he tells me that all guys look at naked women it is what they do and for me to just get over it. He has not cheated on me at least not that I know of and not physically. The real kicker is we do not have sex, but he will sure go into the bathroom for 30 mins to and hour with his phone, and then expect me to cuddle with him, all the while I am crying and screaming inside. We have only been married for a little over a year. But it still hurts. I do not want to be in a marriage where I am not enough or that he is not sexually attracted to me. I kind of feel that this is a marriage of convenience and not wanting to be lonely for him. He tells me he loves me and he kisses me and hugs me but for the most part everything is about him. I deserve to be wanted, Loved and appreciated. I can not say that I feel that way around him. I love this man so very much and I want so badly to be wrong. Any Advise will help I do not want another marriage to end. I am 43 he 45 this is my 2nd marriage and his 3rd.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
It is not normal. Looking at porn is not unusual - but is a problem if he ever prefers it to intimacy with you. Signing up for online dating is a very serious breach in my opinion. It is an attempt to find a partner for an affair.


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## hotshotdot (Jul 28, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> It is not normal. Looking at porn is not unusual - but is a problem if he ever prefers it to intimacy with you. Signing up for online dating is a very serious breach in my opinion. It is an attempt to find a partner for an affair.


Ditto. Looking at porn is one thing as long as it's not effecting your intimacy, but even then, going on a dating site or AFF is entirely another. I divorced my 1st husband after 18 years of marriage with 2 young children when I found he had been on AFF for over a year. We had other problems (he was an alcoholic & bipolar & was verbally abusive) but we had been going to counseling to work things out, until I accidentally found his AFF account & read the messages he'd sent to other women. That proved to me he was not committed to working on our marriage. I filed for divorce the next day! Divorce sucks but I have never regretted it.


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## hotshotdot (Jul 28, 2015)

lmw71 said:


> My husband is also registered on dating sites mostly hook up sites. I am really upset by this but I feel I can not do anything about it. I have confronted him and he tells me that all guys look at naked women it is what they do and for me to just get over it. He has not cheated on me at least not that I know of and not physically. The real kicker is we do not have sex, but he will sure go into the bathroom for 30 mins to and hour with his phone, and then expect me to cuddle with him, all the while I am crying and screaming inside. We have only been married for a little over a year. But it still hurts. I do not want to be in a marriage where I am not enough or that he is not sexually attracted to me. I kind of feel that this is a marriage of convenience and not wanting to be lonely for him. He tells me he loves me and he kisses me and hugs me but for the most part everything is about him. I deserve to be wanted, Loved and appreciated. I can not say that I feel that way around him. I love this man so very much and I want so badly to be wrong. Any Advise will help I do not want another marriage to end. I am 43 he 45 this is my 2nd marriage and his 3rd.


You have only been married a year & he's on dating sites? Get out now. There is a lot of growing to do early in a marriage & it can be hard, but you should be working together to grow together. If this is how he is only a year after taking your vows your future will only be worse.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

Shot said:


> Is it normal behavior?


Looking at online porn is one thing. Looking at an online dating site is another. File for divorce.




lmw71 said:


> this is my 2nd marriage and his 3rd.


Everyone has to be married once to learn what to do wrong in marriage, so they can do it right the 2nd time around. Someone who has been divorced twice is a red-flag.

Dump him now.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

cherrypie18 said:


> Check out the movie "The Truth About Love" starring Jennifer Love Hewitt... the guy pretty much cheats on his wife with his wife.


My stbxw was reading a book called wife22
I read it in 1 day, omg I love women's lit.

Sorry I can't spoil the book, its pretty good.... Did nothing for our marriage though.


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## lmw71 (Aug 20, 2015)

He was signal for 6 years and he says it is out of habit now. He also says at all men do it so I shouldn't be surprised or upset. He has never said the words " you are not enough" or any thing like that. But I feel as if I am not. I also can't go through yet another divorce. I really thought this guy was different and he actually his a different face body hair ect... But mentally the same.


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## lmw71 (Aug 20, 2015)

I want what I can't have a man who is a bad *** but a gentleman who opens doors pulls my chair out ect... And takes me to bed. I used to run but I stopped for what reason I do not know, so I gained about 40 lbs. I'm just not sure I can go through a 2nd divorce. My 1st marriage lasted 25 years but then I went back to school and he told me school or me I said I wasn't gonna quit and he left. I have only been married a little over a year so far this time.


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