# OK, finally some traction but is it enough?



## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

SO moved out nearly 3mo ago now. About 3 weeks ago. We have been having dinner down at her place maybe once a week with out kids. It think we both are in a stage of "what is this?". I kind of asked in am email how things were going. She probably pumped more into that email than I have EVER heard. 

Lots of positive things about me that she loved but never says. It was extensive! Says what she really wants is to be together and moved out to our new place, happily ever after, etc. 

However, after all that, things just sort of went flat. I agreed that I too want that and we can get along REALLY well BUT, she has some issues from her childhood that apparently are not gelling. 

Her former step dad was apparently verbally abusive so any time I raise my voice at ALL, it raises a flag with her. Her mom was also married 4x and dad 3x and she says she is well trained by her mom to just run rather than stop and work on problems. 

Neither of us are perfect but I am REALLY unsure what to do at this point. I am sort of pulled back right now just waiting but I don't want to wait for a year or more. She already decided to up and leave! Can't imagine if things really did get tough what she might do. She is still seeing a MC but maybe once/mo at the most right now. Just seems like a lot of wheel spin here and I just can't figure out what I need to do right now. If someone is "programmed" to run away from a relationship at the first sign of issue, does that mean it will forever be a problem? I could never really relax in my relationship knowing my SO could just walk out at any moment. 

She has a BIG problem with communication. She won't say what is on her mind and just lets it ride. 

----mother's day. What a confusing day for me.... She had the kids and things have been hectic. I emailed at the start of the day to send the kids down for a bit. I did not tell her it was to sign a card and grab a gift for her. She emailed at the end of the day asking what I needed them for. She later opened up that she was hurt that I of all people did not send her a nice email or anything for mother's day and she wanted to hear from me..... The way I see it is "hello, you walked out!!!". This stuff is just confusing. I hear some people saying to give her the shoulder because she left. Others say if I don't engage a bit, things will never get better. I ended up sending an email thanking her for being at least a really great mom to our kids, which she is. I never did send the card and gift down though. 

So at now at least admits that she still loves me, is not dating, desires a forever for us, but she will not even go anywhere with me, try to engage me, etc. I sort of feel like SHE should be the one to engage this and show that she wants it. I am TIRED of being the one that has to engage conversations, fix us, etc.


----------



## Feelingsadnlonely (Mar 3, 2014)

bobsmith said:


> Neither of us are perfect but I am REALLY unsure what to do at this point. I am sort of pulled back right now just waiting but I don't want to wait for a year or more. She already decided to up and leave! Can't imagine if things really did get tough what she might do. She is still seeing a MC but maybe once/mo at the most right now. Just seems like a lot of wheel spin here and I just can't figure out what I need to do right now. If someone is "programmed" to run away from a relationship at the first sign of issue, does that mean it will forever be a problem? I could never really relax in my relationship knowing my SO could just walk out at any moment.


I know exactly how you feel! I'm in the same boat right now. My H is really wanting to work on our marriage more than I do at this point. I am TERRIFIED that if things go south again, he will bail on me AGAIN! I've come so far from when he first left and I am in a really good place right now. I don't ever want to be there again. I can't figure out what to do either. I'm not sure that investing anything in this relationship right now is what I really want to do. My heart tells me yes, but my head/brain tells me...stop right there! What guarantee do you have he won't leave you again? 

I'm so there with you...


----------



## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

The issue I see is that this run away issue seems to stem to more than relationships. It is a way of life. If there is a challenge ahead, some people avoid them, some people take them head on. I have always spear headed a challenge. She will avoid. 

In her emails, she admits that is the part of my she loves. Absolutely no one can tell me I can't do something. It just motivates me more. She says I take on stuff that seems impossible but I do it but at the sacrifice of the sanity of the family. I am an engineer so by trade and nature, I solve problems and design solutions. 

She is a "free bird" type. If someone tells her it can't be done, she says "ok, thanks", and moves on. I personally feel the relationship issue might be only one piece of the puzzle. No one in her life ever taught her that perseverance will solve every problem.


----------

