# Wife wants to quite her job



## Corum

My wife, with whom I fight over numerous things, only to come back around full circle and be loving to me again is once again threatening to quit her job.

She never really liked her current job in our company (we met here) but she had spent 8 months looking when she landed this one and knew it was a good deal. Very good money for not much work. Boss is real nice to her and cares about her well-being. 
She is an executive assistant at our international financial services firm. She works for my boss's boss. We met and married here; our firm has no policy on workplace relationships.

She has always complained that our current company is unprofessional and doesn't like working in "the back office". She used to work in the "front". Ever since getting the position she has complained and hoped to at least transfer internally.

Recently we had an issue where I was promoted and some team members took issue with this. There were comments that I only got the job as I may have exploited my wife's connections to our division head. 

As all this became quite uncomfortable, especially for her we sought management intervention. The solution from senior management is to try to find her a different position within the company. There is no deadline, nor particular position - HR is working to see what they can offer her and she can try what she likes. 

She sees all this in the worst possible way, that her career is to suffer while those who spoke ill of us go unpunished.

So now she is angry everyday and wants to quit.
I gently remind her that now is not the time to walk on a $100K USD job into a high unemployment market. I do not have enough income to maintain our current lifestyle. We have to cut back. I told her this morning if she wants to quit she should cancel our European vacation scheduled later this year as it will likely cost us over $5kUSD each.

With that she dissapeared from the office, telling her boss she was not feeling well. I heard this from her boss. I had no idea she left. I know she is in a rage so I have not contacted her.

She is exhausting me. 
I want her to grow up and take responsibility. Stop being a hot-head and just deal with things. She wanted to transfer before, now she has a golden ticket from HR but she is furious because she feels forced. It's all in her head.
She is saying she wants no financial support (we have 100% separate finances) from me but that is of course impossible...
I want to support her emotionally. If something happened to her or was done to her I woudl be right there at her side, but I can't support rash decisions...


Am I being unreasonable???


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## bribrius

i think if my wife came to me upset, miserable, and didnt want to work. Obviously stressed out. i would just let her quit. The finances are my problem, not her problem. i wouldnt even bring it up to her unless i had too because i couldnt make the budget work with her spending habits. If i did it would be on adapting the lifestyle for the budget, and i would bring it up to her just like you did with canceling the vacations, so she understands the sacrifices needed in order for her to not have a income. We dont have separated finances. whats hers is hers, and what is mine is hers.  And she hasnt worked in quite a few years.
i dont know what to say to you, but dont put money before your wife. i would just make sure you arent doing that.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

I don't work, I can't. I'm disabled. However, if my husband was miserable not feeling fulfilled with his career, I'd fully support him if he wanted to venture onto something new. He is well aware that he needs to provide for all 4/5 of us. We have an 18 year old that just moved out. I have not worked in 11 years since he asked me to quit and become a SAHM. Even if I wasn't disabled, I doubt I'd go back. 

Even with our health care at 2k a month out of pocket, we seem to manage. My husband did work 2 part time jobs on top of his full time, but these two jobs are ending. All his choice. Both my husband and I are responsible with money. We buy mainly what we need and hold off on the wants if there are any. 

I really think you need to be more supportive. Money doesn't make us happy. We make each other happy. Being supportive is extremely important in a marriage. Would you like to be in a job you hated?


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## Complexity

She's being spoilt and completely unreasonable.


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## lamaga

I'm with Complexity -- she's just being a child. So the workplace isn't fair. What is? If she has the ability to be an exec asst at a major international firm, she has the ability to pull it together long enough to wait for an internal transfer. Do you think something else is going on?


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## Hicks

Women act with feeling, while men act with logic / data.

She does not feel good in this job... You have to help her to feel happy either in this job or support her finding a new calling.

You as a husband support your wife financially... Comingle your finances but choose to spend less money than you earn while using your money to benefit your family.


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## lamaga

Hicks said:


> Women act with feeling, while men act with logic / data.


Oh, look! It's National Stereotyping Week again!


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## golfergirl

Hicks said:


> Women act with feeling, while men act with logic / data.
> 
> She does not feel good in this job... You have to help her to feel happy either in this job or support her finding a new calling.
> 
> You as a husband support your wife financially... Comingle your finances but choose to spend less money than you earn while using your money to benefit your family.


I'm sorry, since when is the man solely responsible for finances? As a team, in our household, we would be responsible to replace our income with new job before quitting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bribrius

ahhh. the clash between old school and modernism again!! lol


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

golfergirl said:


> As a team, in our household, we would be responsible to replace our income with new job before quitting.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree with this, especially if you can not make ends meet. 

My husband was the one that wanted me home raising our family. It took me a year of working to quit. We made this agreement together. He was well aware that I may never return to work. Now I can't.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

If she has a plan for getting a new job, why can't she leave her job. She is entitled to making the same career moves as anyone else. She doesn't really need to have a reason for switching jobs. Sometimes it's just time to move on. This is normal. People feel that way and they look for a new job and if they find a better one they take it. Jobs are not like relationships. They don't even have to be bad to have justification to leave. Sometimes people just like to do something different to make their income. Changing jobs can be a good growth process. Better to change jobs than to change spouses. lol. Don't confuse your wife's unhappiness with her work with anything other than what it is. I think you are casting a shadow over the issue because you're working at the same firm, and your chain of command so to speak is so close. Think about how you might feel or respond if you did not work for the same place. Are you really on her side as a spouse, or is her current job tied somehow to your feelings of security in the relationship, where you know what she is doing at work and at home 24x7. Her jumping ship might cause you to feel threatened or loss of security. Even if she isn't trying to get away from you, maybe part of you is experiencing it like that. There may or may not be a reason for that feeling, so you should think about it.

So you'll save 10K as a couple cancelling the vacation. Maybe it's a good thing. Your wife's job helps to pay for the vacation, no person should have to experience misery on a day to day basis in their 'real' life in order to fund a getaway that is a temporary thing. 

I also think you get way too much information about what your wife does and intuiting how she feels from having too much access to her 24x7. You need to step away and really take only the information that you need. You are way too involved in a personal problem of hers, which is her job. A job is tied to a person's internal emotional state, their spirit, they give up time and energy in exchange for a paycheck. Only that person can determine whether it's worth it or not. It's her spirit and energy she is sacrificing for that 5K and anything else her job affords her.

I have these discussions with myself. It is always a trade off between wanting more money and not making sacrifices of time and energy that are foolhardy. I respect my need to have meaningful ethical work, at the same time I am realistic about what it takes to meet the day to day budget and planning for a safety net. I would not make myself stay in a job in order to fund a vacation. If you really like your job, the vacation becomes much less important. Somewhere in there is a middle ground.


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## rj700

Corum said:


> She is saying she wants no financial support (we have 100% separate finances) from me but that is of course impossible...
> 
> Am I being unreasonable???


Yes, you are being unreasonable. If your finances are 100% separate, then it is her decision, not yours. In this environment, I would encourage her to find an alternate FIRST, not quit, then look. 

But if she is truly unhappy at work, then you should support her decision. If you love her, take the job out of the equation. Working someplace you hate is only mildly less debilitating than living in a relationship you hate.


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## Corum

Well a little update. While she took off yesterday she talked to an executive staffing guy she knows well and he advised her to hold on and wait it out. As our company is not forcing her (control is her big issue) to do anything at this time and is putting a 6 month target on action she should accept she has a pretty good deal going on. A lot can happen in 6 months and he will look around for her too. She will take his advise. 

I like this a lot better; there is a plan and some forethought.

I wish I had enough money to give her the lifestyle she wants without her having to work hard, but I don't.


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## norajane

> She has always complained that our current company is unprofessional and doesn't like working in "the back office". She used to work in the "front". Ever since getting the position she has complained and hoped to at least transfer internally.


Keep reminding her that she can look at this as an opportunity to find a position that puts her out in front. This is what she has always wanted. 

She'll have a better opportunity to find the kind of job she wants at another company if she can get out in front at her current company for a while. More experience, more contacts, more good reviews from her managers...that always helps in looking for a new job.


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## norajane

Corum said:


> I wish I had enough money to give her the lifestyle she wants without her having to work hard, but I don't.


Maybe her point of view is that she gets satisfaction out of a certain kind of work, which, to you, seems hard, but to her is more interesting or exciting. It might be hard work, but she may get something out of it that isn't financial.


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## Corum

norajane said:


> Keep reminding her that she can look at this as an opportunity to find a position that puts her out in front. This is what she has always wanted.
> 
> She'll have a better opportunity to find the kind of job she wants at another company if she can get out in front at her current company for a while. More experience, more contacts, more good reviews from her managers...that always helps in looking for a new job.


Yes, there is positive in this. Even though our location no longer has a true trading desk (where she worked before in other companies), she can move closer to it. Our company is willing to offer her positions to make her situation easier. Whereas before she was looking around in the office for something better and there was nothing, now HR will find a position for her. There is good news in this.


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## Corum

norajane said:


> Maybe her point of view is that she gets satisfaction out of a certain kind of work, which, to you, seems hard, but to her is more interesting or exciting. It might be hard work, but she may get something out of it that isn't financial.


Absolutely. She wants to do something independent. I have supported her attempts at this by building commercial websites for her, helping her get business cards made up, etc. She has not given these alternatives her full attention however. I think she is not ready yet for her own reasons.


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## DTO

golfergirl said:


> I'm sorry, since when is the man solely responsible for finances? As a team, in our household, we would be responsible to replace our income with new job before quitting.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Absolutely. The wife here has to figure out a game plan and not just quit and make it his problem. Also, I have a gut feeling that the wife would not be happy having to cut back her lifestyle.

Quitting before having another fairly comparable job is a terrible idea in this economy. Not sure if anybody noticed, but there are huge numbers of long-term unemployed and for those people just the length of unemployment becomes an obstacle to getting another job.


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## DTO

rj700 said:


> Yes, you are being unreasonable. If your finances are 100% separate, then it is her decision, not yours. In this environment, I would encourage her to find an alternate FIRST, not quit, then look.
> 
> But if she is truly unhappy at work, then you should support her decision. If you love her, take the job out of the equation. Working someplace you hate is only mildly less debilitating than living in a relationship you hate.


Not even.

Bills have to be paid for her even if not working. So they have 100% finances and such. When she quits and works through any savings she has, then what? Her part of the mortgage does not get paid? He goes on vacation alone? She does not eat? THAT is what he means by saying that they are joined even though their finances are nominally separate.

Plus, hard work is a fact of life. I did not want to spend a total of six years in college to have decent job prospects. I did not want to work crappy jobs to get experience to get better jobs. But we do what we must to survive. And it's not fair to say that one spouse should bear the burden so that the other can be free of it.


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## Corum

DTO said:


> Absolutely. The wife here has to figure out a game plan and not just quit and make it his problem. Also, I have a gut feeling that the wife would not be happy having to cut back her lifestyle.


I am sure of this. She likes $800 shoes, etc. She buys them herself so I don't complain...but I never knew about Tod's and Bruno Magli before I met her.
:scratchhead:



> Quitting before having another fairly comparable job is a terrible idea in this economy. Not sure if anybody noticed, but there are huge numbers of long-term unemployed and for those people just the length of unemployment becomes an obstacle to getting another job.


Yes. This.
Plus we are in Japan. It is much tougher here if you are not a youngish male. Age and sex discrimination is very much a reality here.


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## Corum

DTO said:


> Not even.
> 
> Bills have to be paid for her even if not working. So they have 100% finances and such. When she quits and works through any savings she has, then what? Her part of the mortgage does not get paid? He goes on vacation alone? She does not eat? THAT is what he means by saying that they are joined even though their finances are nominally separate.


Oh thank you - someone gets it!
Yes we are separate but I can't exactly let her starve in the corner, can I?


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## EleGirl

I get that bills have to be paid. And I get that it's easier to get a new job when you have one.

But I can also see some of what she's feeling. You get a promotion adn it causes problems for her job. This would upset a lot of people.


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## Corum

EleGirl said:


> I get that bills have to be paid. And I get that it's easier to get a new job when you have one.
> 
> But I can also see some of what she's feeling. You get a promotion adn it causes problems for her job. This would upset a lot of people.


Yes and I understand that. Thing is she really wants to beat the heck out of the guy who started the back-talking. She carries a lot of fury. I am angry too, but I have a job to do.

BTW, no money or title for me in this climate. Just added responsibility :slap:


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## DTO

EleGirl said:


> I get that bills have to be paid. And I get that it's easier to get a new job when you have one.
> 
> But I can also see some of what she's feeling. You get a promotion adn it causes problems for her job. This would upset a lot of people.


I am truly sensitive to her dislike of her job.

Japan is an expensive place to live IIRC (Corum you can weigh in). It is fairly small - smaller than California but with 3.5x the population and not many natural resources. Much of it is mountainous to boot. Rent is high. Also, lots of stuff is imported and therefore expensive. 

Taxes are very high also. Seems like she is paying at least 20% average (not top rate) on her income, then another 15% in Social Security? Over a third of every dollar earned off the top is gone, before paying the other taxes or spending a penny on herself.

$100k is a really good salary, but will not go far if she's having $5,000 vacations and $800 shoes, not to mention all the daily stuff she does. The issue seems to be this job is a slush fund for her. She expects a certain lifestyle and not have to pay for essentials such as a mortgage and food.

Corum, my honest best guess is that she simply is not cognizant of how much it costs to live. If my assumptions are correct, you really need to get her on board with what it really costs to live and how far her money would not go if she had to factor in all the stuff one needs to get buy.

If she still cops an attitude or resists trying to be responsible, hand her some joint bills for which she is responsible and must pay every month.


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## Corum

DTO said:


> I am truly sensitive to her dislike of her job.
> 
> Japan is an expensive place to live IIRC (Corum you can weigh in). It is fairly small - smaller than California but with 3.5x the population and not many natural resources. Much of it is mountainous to boot. Rent is high. Also, lots of stuff is imported and therefore expensive. Taxes are very high also (wife may pay $25,000 of that $100,000 in just income taxes).
> 
> $100k is a really good salary, but will not go far if she's having $5,000 vacations and $800 shoes, not to mention all the daily stuff she does. The issue seems to be this job is a slush fund for her. She expects a certain lifestyle and not have to pay for essentials such as a mortgage and food.
> 
> Corum, my honest best guess is that she simply is not cognizant of how much it costs to live. If my assumptions are correct, you really need to get her on board with what it really costs to live and how far her money would not go if she had to factor in all the stuff one needs to get buy.
> 
> If she still cops an attitude or resists trying to be responsible, hand her some joint bills for which she is responsible and must pay every month.


Oh yes, Japan is expensive, especially the region of Tokyo where I live.

To be fair she knows money, but prefers to spend it and worry later. She pays her share of rent and is responsible for some utilities now which is not insignificant. 
That's part of the problem. I told her before that if she wants to quit that's fine, but I can no longer float our 1bdrm apartment's $3kUSD rent on my own - we will have to downsize. Then she gets mad...

She has money issues stemming from not being able to go to college and having to help support her divorced mother and younger brother. When she got her career in gear she did well, riding the bubble of some big financial companies and spending what she estimates to be over $100k on travel and living around the world. Overcompensated a bit IMO.


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## DTO

Corum said:


> Oh yes, Japan is expensive, especially the region of Tokyo where I live.
> 
> To be fair she knows money, but prefers to spend it and worry later. She pays her share of rent and is responsible for some utilities now which is not insignificant.
> That's part of the problem. I told her before that if she wants to quit that's fine, but I can no longer float our 1bdrm apartment's $3kUSD rent on my own - we will have to downsize. Then she gets mad...
> 
> She has money issues stemming from not being able to go to college and having to help support her divorced mother and younger brother. When she got her career in gear she did well, riding the bubble of some big financial companies and spending what she estimates to be over $100k on travel and living around the world. Overcompensated a bit IMO.


Well, then that would be the other alternative (I was hoping it was the first one I suggested). That's kinda worse, because it suggests she knows the reality of the situation and chooses to make you bear the brunt of something not your fault. Also, entitlement mindsets are tough to overcome.

All you really can do here is to lay out the reality (no expensive vacations, clothing, lunches, etc. if she quits her job without a replacement) and stick to your guns. Tell her that, in the short term at least, you support her decision but it's not going to be at no cost to her. Also, tell her that there will be no loafing around waiting for the next job to come around. She'll have to lower her pay expectations and get another gig, or start a business, go back to school, etc.

I suspect that she will be more hesitant to quit once she gets that she will suffer some loss. But, if she quits anyways, you need to keep on eye on things to make sure she isn't doing as she pleases and sticking you will the bill.

And, stop apologizing for not being able to support her lifestyle; it makes you sound weak and feeds her entitlement mindset. This is not a matter of you being unemployed or underemployed. Based on your description it sounds like you make at least as much as she does, and a six-figure salary is nothing to feel bad about or apologize over.


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## Gaia

Personally I would say... if she isn't happy with her job and she wants to quit... just be sure to let her know that some of the things she enjoys now... will have to be cut back on or eliminated until she decides to work again. I do agree with the... not letting money come before your wife but she will also need to acknowledge the consequences of her actions if she does indeed do this.


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## golfergirl

I was a single mom killing myself with stress and shiftwork. I disliked my co-workers (drama drama drama) and I stuck it out until something better came along. 
It won't kill her and that's what mature grown ups do. 
She has options on the horizon by staying there and it sounds like she isn't the type who would cut back spending for the team. 
Just wondering if it was a husband wanting to quit without something else lined up, what the response would be. 
Man - woman whatever - it's just a poor decision to quit without a backup plan in place. We're talking 6 figure income, not minimum wage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gaia

golfergirl said:


> I was a single mom killing myself with stress and shiftwork. I disliked my co-workers (drama drama drama) and I stuck it out until something better came along.
> It won't kill her and that's what mature grown ups do.
> She has options on the horizon by staying there and it sounds like she isn't the type who would cut back spending for the team.
> Just wondering if it was a husband wanting to quit without something else lined up, what the response would be.
> Man - woman whatever - it's just a poor decision to quit without a backup plan in place. We're talking 6 figure income, not minimum wage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My response would still be the same... if he wants to quit ... then thats fine.. so long as he takes the consiquences for his actions under consideration. No doubt she will regret her decision later if she does quit... my H sure as heck does... he went from making 4k a week to barely 500 every two weeks. So.. like i said.. any fancies she enjoys... she will need to understand that these will have to be given up. Sacrifices will have to be made.. especially when giving up something like that.


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## Corum

Thanks everyone. Some really great views in here.


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## bribrius

golfergirl said:


> I was a single mom killing myself with stress and shiftwork. I disliked my co-workers (drama drama drama) and I stuck it out until something better came along.
> It won't kill her and that's what mature grown ups do.
> She has options on the horizon by staying there and it sounds like she isn't the type who would cut back spending for the team.
> Just wondering if it was a husband wanting to quit without something else lined up, what the response would be.
> Man - woman whatever - it's just a poor decision to quit without a backup plan in place. We're talking 6 figure income, not minimum wage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


you arent talking about single mothers though. My job is to support my wife. which in return actually benefits me as well with having a stay at home mother for our children and alot less to do around the house so i can concentrate on making money to support the family and the finances. I get out of work im not rushing around doing house things. i can play with my kids. i dont have to go pick up my kids at a daycare somewhere either.
i wouldnt even think of making her stay in a job, or even getting a job unless we were starving or something. Im kind of happy mine doesnt want to work, it takes alot of stress off as it added fifty hours of extra time back into the house.
But putting all that aside, if my wife came to me miserable over a job and said she wanted to quit i would basically just say "okay, ill worry about the finances dont worry about it" and that would be the end of the conversation. The financial side of it isn't her problem, its MINE.
now she gives me lists of things the kids needs, she needs. i keep another mental track of what the cars need, properties need etc. These are my financial to do list. i punch numbers and keep punching them until i find a budget to make it all happen by order of priority. I run our entire finances on a cash account and credit line and basically just keep track of how much in the black or red we are running at the time and shoot for ending the year in the positive.
i dont expect her to even concern herself with it other than price shopping as she tries to save money that way..


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## norajane

> i dont expect her to even concern herself with it


But it doesn't sound like your wife is buying $800 shoes regularly, going on $5k vacations, and expecting you to pay $3k per month on rent while also wanting to quit her job. I suspect your perspective might be different if your wife wanted you to pay for all of those things.


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## bribrius

norajane said:


> But it doesn't sound like your wife is buying $800 shoes regularlynope, going on $5k vacationswell we have done this, and expecting you to pay $3k per month on rent i dont pay rent i rent to other peoplewhile also wanting to quit her job. I suspect your perspective might be different if your wife wanted you to pay for all of those things.


i realize our situation doesnt work for anyone. i figure a clothing allotment for the family each kid x, wife x, me x amount. seasonal as we shop by the season, preferably a month into it so we arent paying full retail or buy ahead for the following year when everything is discounted  so we get higher end apparel without paying full retail.
She is limited in what she can spend by what is alloted. Which i figure yearly and break down by the season. What is strange is she so worried about spending TOO MUCH and it coming from somewhere else she usually goes UNDER what she can spend for clothing. I want her to look nice (i like her to look nice) and give her a larger amount than i have of course and encourage her to spend more than she does. I think she is worried it will come from the children or something, but i try to make her realize her amount is separate and figured on her. So sometimes she will ask if she can get this or that, and i basically say its already figured in so stop asking and buy it (if its reasonable). completely different things between me, kids her and other bills i separate it out so the money is there for you so SPEND IT as i already took it out and have it as a planned expense. I actually spend the least amount on myself. if my kids are well dressed and my wife looks beautiful i really dont give a hell what i look like. 
i understand we are a particular situation however, as you mentioned. Not everyone is the same. It isn't all peaches and cream either though because im real strict financially. There have been things she wanted which i have told her ill work on. It will go on my To Do list. But as of right now, no. It cant happen. It puts the budget too far in the red for what it is and i cant allow it. But i will work on it and try to make it happen if you really want this. With money though i run it like a small business instead of a household which really our situation kind of is. If it isnt there, it isnt there and it needs to be a somewhat financially prudent expense. She has tried to get me to bend the rules on this at times but i just wont. As i see the future of our kids college dissappearing out the window if i give in to everything. So on some things i draw a uncompromisable line but do put it on my To Do list (in order of PRIORITY THOUGH) if she seems serious over really wanting it.


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## Reformed_A_hole

Why does she really want to quit? Does she feel that she is missing out by not being a stay-at-home mum? Does she believe (whether said to you or not) that it is your responsibility to be the bread winner? I doubt that the issues she raises are the true reason as these scenarios will only repeat themselves wherever she works.


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