# help please! first new dating experience



## OnTheRise (Jul 9, 2014)

My ex and I have been separated for for about 2 months. That relationship was essentially dead for about a year prior. It was a 14 years marriage. She wanted the divorce and eventually simple left but that is a different story. 

I have been eager to date for about three weeks. The first month of the separation for me was crying and drinking a lot of vodka. Then a week of getting my head clear. 

I have been talking to numerous women. I have met maybe three of them. I am not in a rush to get into a relationship and really have been aiming for simple female companionship and affection while I rebuild my life. 

One of the women I was talking to made a point to want to meet me like immediately after I started talking to her. It is an old old friend of a friend. I barely remembered her but was like "ok cool". 

We texted quite a bit and talked some on the phone but she really seems more of an inperson type than a phone/text type. Good. 

Wednesday (yes last Wednesday) I told her I would try to meet her after work, she was all for that. Like maybe a bar we could get some drinks. That didnt pan out as work didnt end till like 3am that day (I work evenings with no set end time just when the work is finished). Lets call her Jen though thats not her real name. 

Thursday night she said she would go anywhere to meet me after work I just needed to give her an address and zipcode and she didnt care about the time. I didnt get off work till like 5am so no dice. 

She said lets meet for lunch. I bent my schedule all around on the 4th to meet her for lunch. It was an awesome if not rushed date. She gave me a big kiss as I was dropping her off. I was swooning. Yep. 

So we txted each other all day friday and friday night she sends me a sweet txt saying she is thinking about me and so on. She really liked how our date went. 

Ok saturday I told her I would be in her part of town and she said I should stop over and I did. Again rushed. It was so rushed. But thats the schedule and we wanted to see each other. I had my daughters with me (3 and 7). So there was no hugging or kissing and I coouldnt really talk to her. More txts after wards. I am really starting to feel something and am trying not to but her smile is magical and she is simply gorgeous and sweet. 

Sunday there were fireworks in her town. She asked if I was going by chance. I told her if there was a way for me to see her I was going. I had to bring my oldest son though (who is 11) and she was fine with that. Her kids were there to and she said she didnt want to seem like she had a boyfriend. I understand with kids, you wait until you at least have some kind of relationship before you do that. 

So I wanted to hug/kiss her but I couldnt. Fireworks going off and I wanted to hold her hand or even sit close to her but I couldnt, my son was between us. 

She invited me to her house with a few of her girlfriends and their kids. I said ya cool but let me get my son a burger real quick (he kept saying how hungry he was). We went to macdonalds drive through and she went home, and after he ate my son got real cranky and started fighting with me over every little thing and I felt a real bad scene coming on with him so I txted her what was going on and that I was taking him home. 

She has texted me maybe once since then and I am wondering what the heck happened. I txed her the next day that I'd like to see her again and if she wants to meet sometime to let me know when she can. I never got a text back. 

I dont know what to do. I really really really like her. I want to get to know her much much better. I can feel myself falling for her...if only I could spend some time with her alone. 

What do I do???? I dont wanna keep txting her if shes not txing back, I dont want to offer to come over or whatever if she lost interest. I also dont want her to think I am not thinking about her or that I dont like her, I am and I do. Probably as much as you can like someone after three short, dates two of them wth kids around. 

Please help. I really really want to tell her I am coming into her part of town and would like to see her. I would like to tell her I simply want to meet and get to know her and that she deserves me making the time for that. But I dont wanna seem pushy or stalky. 

It has been so long since I dated and I forget how to do this. How much is too much or too little. She is a catch and maybe she isnt the one but we both deserve the chance to find out. 

HELP what do I do???


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Let her know your child free evenings and ask her if you could go out on one of them.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## OnTheRise (Jul 9, 2014)

thanks for the reply  Before the fireworks night I told her I would be child-free this coming weekend and she seemed happy with that and that she would check her schedule but she would rather not us go to a bar. I said that is fine but I'd like to drink with her sometime anyways (probably a mistake to say that duh). That plan didnt go anywhere after that. 

I am thinking tomarrow of sending her a text like this, "Hi Jen, I am off friday and saturday and I wont have the kids those days. I would like to take you out to dinner on either day, your choice. Let me know, ttyl"

Does that sound right? Or since I already told her I wouldnt have kids this weekend its kinda an open invitation thing, would I be pushing it?


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Hmmm....sounds like everything is really rushed. I don't get her attitude in the beginning and I don't know...the whole thing seems desperate on both your parts.

maybe back it on down and do a date on a child free evening.

And stop bringing your kids around your dates. That is just wrong at this point!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

OnTheRise said:


> She has texted me maybe once since then and I am wondering what the heck happened. I txed her the next day that I'd like to see her again and if she wants to meet sometime to let me know when she can. I never got a text back.
> 
> I dont know what to do. I really really really like her. I want to get to know her much much better. I can feel myself falling for her...if only I could spend some time with her alone.
> 
> ...


Dude. Chill.

You are moving WAY too fast. You have only been separated two months, one of which you said you spent drinking vodka. You only went out with this woman THREE times, were over at her house on the second date and involved your children (both of you) on two of the dates.

That is crazy. 

Take time getting to know people, don't go over to their house so soon, don't introduce your children so fast, don't keep texting someone who doesn't text you back.

Thing is: if she wanted to reach out to you and respond to your text, she would. 

She hasn't.

So don't make a fool of yourself and chase someone who isn't reciprocating.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

OnTheRise said:


> I am thinking tomarrow of sending her a text like this, "Hi Jen, I am off friday and saturday and I wont have the kids those days. I would like to take you out to dinner on either day, your choice. Let me know, ttyl"
> 
> Does that sound right?


It sounds desperate.

You *COULD* do this is you really want but if she isn't reciprocal, do not message her again.

It's VERY telling that she has only texted you ONE time since those crazy-rushed-three-dates-involving-your-kids and going to each others' houses.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

It's almost negligent to be involving your kids in all this so soon. And at this point, I'm guessing the reason you're getting the virtual cold shoulder is because you blew her off too many times. Basically, you've shown her where she sits in your priority list, and she has too much self respect to be that far down. Making plans and then cancelling them is a huge no-no, especially so many times. Solution: don't make plans unless you're sure you can follow through.

And this is way rushed. You're just going to hurt a lot of people around you. Your kids, the women you're "seeing", yourself... Get your life in order first. Get happy with yourself. Then think about dating. 

C


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Btw, if she came in here and told her side of the story, we'd be telling her to walk away... At least, that's what I'd tell her.

C


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## cbnero (Dec 6, 2013)

Get into counseling. Get happy alone. You are technically still married. Why are you rushing to get in another relationship?

That is crazy

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

OnTheRise said:


> thanks for the reply  Before the fireworks night I told her I would be child-free this coming weekend and she seemed happy with that and that she would check her schedule but she would rather not us go to a bar. I said that is fine but I'd like to drink with her sometime anyways (probably a mistake to say that duh). That plan didnt go anywhere after that.
> 
> I am thinking tomarrow of sending her a text like this, "Hi Jen, I am off friday and saturday and I wont have the kids those days. I would like to take you out to dinner on either day, your choice. Let me know, ttyl"
> 
> Does that sound right? Or since I already told her I wouldnt have kids this weekend its kinda an open invitation thing, would I be pushing it?



You got a bad case of "oneitis". Here's the deal, there's no such thing as "soul mates"

Your just out of a long term relationship, you need to play the field. If she's not responding, "NEXT!!!" You should see 2 or 3 women at the same time so that way it's clear when you are dealing with bad behavior. You were probably putting up with it for so long in your marriage that you don't recognize it now. 

Here's a tip. Tell a prospect "I don't bring my kids around until the X date". If a chicks into you, she'll find a way.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Sounds like you are either very horny or love starved.
I'm guessing the latter. You have a big hole in your chest and you are wanting to fill it.
DONT use another person to fill it. You need to heal up and fill it yourself. 
There is nothing that says you cant date, but this situation you describe is just plain reckless.

Slow dowwwwnnnnnnnnn.....


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

SamuraiJack said:


> Sounds like you are either very horny or love starved.


:rofl:


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Everyone is dead on. Too soon to date, WAY too soon to involve kids.

And I'll add one more thing - you emphasized you wanted to drink with her. As a female that tells me a few things (right or wrong) - you want to get her drunk so she will lower her inhibitions so she'll have sex with you OR you find drinking a primary form of entertainment which is a HUGE RED FLAG. Drinks are fun, drinks are fine. But to plan a date around drinking SCREAMS drinking problem. Between those two I'd be scarce as well.

Be careful. Deal with your emotions first before you begin to use alcohol to dull the pain too much. You had your bender, now you're hopefully over it. Move on and cope like an adult who has their sh*t together which means you process your emotions, choose your words and your battles and do things that are good both emotionally and physically for you and yours.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

OnTheRise said:


> She invited me to her house with a few of her girlfriends and their kids. I said ya cool but let me get my son a burger real quick (he kept saying how hungry he was). *We went to macdonalds drive through and she went home, and after he ate my son got real cranky and started fighting with me over every little thing and I felt a real bad scene coming on with him so I txted her what was going on and that I was taking him home. *


Your son knew what was going on, even if you weren't holding her hand or being physically affectionate. I'm sure your other kids did as well. 

Have a special friend or booty call, but keep your kids out of it unless it is serious!! Like, "there's a good chance this person might permanently be in your life" serious.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

DANGER DANGER DANGER!

You were married for 14 years, you've been separated 2 months. Get your life figured out first before you start involving other people. When you're not emotionally fixed it means your crazy radar isn't going to work right, and you're ripe for getting involved with someone with a personality disorder....

Segue into my next point. Slow down champ. This has crazy written all over it. Texting all day, 3 days of seeing eachother in a row? Goo goo ga ga after 3 days? One of the biggest red flags of a relationship is moving too fast. Fast escalating relationships is the biggest sign of someone who has a personality disorder, because it's the tactic used to build intense attachment for later mind games.

If I had to put a percentage on this working out well for you, I'd give it like a 5% chance, based on what you have told us in one post.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Lol at "crazy radar."


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Lol at "crazy radar."


You laugh, but that's a real thing! 

Oh, and to me it sounds like both his crazy-dar _and_ her crazy-dar are malfunctioning. They're _both_ pushing too hard, too fast. If either of them were emotionally healthy, they'd be running for the hills from this level of immediate intensity. That they aren't has "train wreck" written all over it.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Lol at "crazy radar."


Come up with a better name for it if you can! But it's definitely a real thing.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh I know! That's why I was laughing.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I seem to have a very good cra-dar for men. Sure does limit the pool of availability!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Lol. They are everywhere, Enjo.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Sounds like two people on the rebound about to soothe each others unmet childhood needs...keep the kids out of it and get it out of your system.
Then see where the chips fall.
Most likely this will be a 6 month fling.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I seem to have a very good cra-dar for men. Sure does limit the pool of availability!


We're like parking spots!

Good ones are taken or handicapped.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

SamuraiJack said:


> Most likely this will be a 6 month fling.


I don't give it that long at all being that she hasn't even been texting him back after three dates.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

SamuraiJack said:


> Sounds like two people on the rebound about to soothe each others unmet childhood needs...keep the kids out of it and get it out of your system.
> Then see where the chips fall.
> Most likely this will be a 6 month fling.


Exactly! Sometimes, you just have ti descend into the craziness to get back on track. But keep the kids out of it is dead on.

*Especially the 11 year old.*


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

OnTheRise said:


> It has been so long since I dated and I forget how to do this. How much is too much or too little. She is a catch and maybe she isnt the one but we both deserve the chance to find out.


Protip: STOP bringing your kids to every encounter you have with this woman. Either pick a date you don't have the kids OR get a babysitter. It doesn't matter if she has kids too it's just weird to do so early in the relationship. She probably thinks your too busy to make time for just her. She wants to hang out with YOU not you and your kids. Also, you seem to have a lot on your plate, which is okay, but I'm sure the constant canceling and rescheduling is contributing also to her thinking you are too busy. And don't text her again. You sent her one so the ball is in her court. If she doesn't reply, move on. You'll just come off MORE desperate.


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