# Gotta love it when they start to feel guilty



## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Okay, almost 1 month of separation down, sort of. My WW had a major fight with OM and moved her stuff back into our house. The next day, after several sappy texts, she moves back to his place. She calls me and I decide to answer this time (I'm doing 180 but we have 3 kids so it is hit or miss when I answer). She tells me she is feeling bad about what she has done to me and the kids. I tell her, "why feel bad? You are not going to do anything about it." She agrees but still feels guilty. Tonight I pick our kids up from visiting with her at OMs house. I go in but OM is not willing to come downstairs to meet me or talk to me (wimp). She gives me a puppy dog face and clearly looks upset. I give her a hug and small kiss on the forehead and tell her I love her. 

I guess I don't understand why she feels guilty. She is in a new house with OM, although they have a rocky relationship. I know she isn't going to ask to come home, but I guess I'm not understanding where the guilty feelings are coming from. She also wants to see the kids more than the one evening per week and every other weekend she has now. 

What gives ladies?


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

she thinks she is stuck in her situation...that you wouldn't take her back because of what she did to you...she's beating herself up internally.

She is starting to see what she is losing, and its likely eating her up.

HOWEVER--don't give into this so easily. Let her earn it, if it's meant to be.

I WISH my wife were so remorseful however...she wont even see me face to face, and when we did...she actually flinched when she thought i was going to touch her (to place a hand on hers to say what i was feeling)

Just keep riding it out...hoping for the best brother


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## ProfJ (Jul 28, 2011)

It's a case of grass being greener on the other side.
Now that she is living with OM, the excitement is dying down. She is giving you this puppy dog looks, because she wants to know that you will be there when she realized that the life she left is much better than the life she chose.
My question is...what gives that you still care? I'm a woman, and I can't believe that you still give off a sense that you will take her back in a heartbeat if she realizes her mistake and comes running back to you.
If she did it once, she'll do it again.


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

ProfJ...in my very recent experience....a strong desire to relive as if it never happened, and move forward making more of those oh-so-wonderful-yet-haunting memories.

I know if given the chance, i'd like to reconcile with my wife...HOWEVER, not in a heartbeat...i'd need time to forgive, if possible, some of those very nasty things that have been going down between us


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

There are 3 kids involved. If there is any way to take back your wife, ON YOUR TERMS (100% transparency, counseling, etc.) it might be worth trying. You can always decide later that it isn't working for you if you can't get past it. 

Don't ask her what she is thinking, though. She needs to come to you. (This is true whether the person who has had an affair is male or female). By showing that you can and will stand alone, you are changing the dynamic that previously existed--and something must have been wrong for things have gotten to this point. Changing the dynamic is good.


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## KatiezMomma (Nov 17, 2011)

Funny how that happens. My WH is in Vegas with his mistress while I and our daughter are packing to move this weekend and I got a pitiful phone call. Its not as much fun as he thought, she isn't like he really thought (hey, maybe don't travel with a woman you were just sleeping with on weekends and don't really know). He even went to far as to say he would have more fun if it was me instead. Say what????? Guilt, its a b!tch isn't it?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Why even listen to these fools. I don't understand. They are telling you that you are their back up plan.

Why are you giving them emotional support? Let them get everything from the OM/W. don't talk with them about their problems. That will not get them back, if that's what you want. 

Go dark. If they want back they have to work for it. Not settle because it did not work out. Better to get rid of them than suffer the indignity of being the fall back person.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Thank you all for your answers and insight. She is happy, on the surface, in her surroundings and life with OM. The fact that her relationship with OM lasted 3 weeks before a blowout speaks volumes for the future. They will make some changes but with time they will fight again. Once their life becomes routine, she will miss home. When her security blanket is taken away (health insurance, etc.) she will be shocked. She has no job and small income by writing online. She is dependant on OM for home and money beyond what she makes. 

The only way I will take her back is on my terms which means NC with any male not family and I have passwords, etc. MC is a must. Till those terms are met, she can keep having fun elsewhere.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Married in VA said:


> Okay, almost 1 month of separation down, sort of. My WW had a major fight with OM and moved her stuff back into our house. The next day, after several sappy texts, she moves back to his place. She calls me and I decide to answer this time (I'm doing 180 but we have 3 kids so it is hit or miss when I answer). She tells me she is feeling bad about what she has done to me and the kids. I tell her, "why feel bad? You are not going to do anything about it." She agrees but still feels guilty. *Tonight I pick our kids up from visiting with her at OMs house. I go in but OM is not willing to come downstairs to meet me or talk to me (wimp). She gives me a puppy dog face and clearly looks upset. I give her a hug and small kiss on the forehead and tell her I love her. *
> I guess I don't understand why she feels guilty. She is in a new house with OM, although they have a rocky relationship. I know she isn't going to ask to come home, but I guess I'm not understanding where the guilty feelings are coming from. She also wants to see the kids more than the one evening per week and every other weekend she has now.
> 
> What gives ladies?


This is 180-ing? I think you have to toughen up on her a little...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Married in VA said:


> I guess I don't understand why she feels guilty.
> 
> I know she isn't going to ask to come home, but I guess I'm not understanding where the guilty feelings are coming from.


Because she has a conscience.

It's quite simple really. Only a person w/o any heart or conscience would feel no guilt whatsoever. Anyone who can leave a marriage to move in with their affair partner while still married to another has done a pretty sh!tty thing. I would find it more baffling/weird if she felt no guilt.

It's normal. Be glad she told you she felt bad (because it shows she has a conscience). Because a lot of waywards never do say such a thing.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

CSeryllum said:


> ProfJ...in my very recent experience....a strong desire to relive as if it never happened, and move forward making more of those oh-so-wonderful-yet-haunting memories.
> 
> I know if given the chance, i'd like to reconcile with my wife...HOWEVER, not in a heartbeat...i'd need time to forgive, if possible, some of those very nasty things that have been going down between us


Ditto. I would not want to resume my marriage. She's moving out, and at this point, that's for the best. All indications are she. is. done.

If things change, and if I'm up to it at that point, it will be very slow going, if I can ever trust her again emotionally, that is.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Update: OM just kicked her out of the house again. She came crying on the phone. I listened and she will be going to a hotel to stay for awhile, not home. I guess affairs do fall apart pretty quickly. Go figure.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Don't support her emotionally since it was her decision to run off w/ another man. Don't be there. Sh elost that when she walked out on you and moved in with another man.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Yup, I concur. She can stay at a hotel and then get a job to keep herself there. I am sure she will just head to the bar and pick up another guy anyway. Poor woman.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Precisely.

Have you filed for divorce? Where are the kids? Be their rock cause it sounds like she is a mess.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

No, I have not filed for divorce. In VA, you have to be separated for a year before you can file. The kids are with me and I have a petition before the court for sole custody of them with her having visitation. As for now, she is out of a home and has no job except some small income from writing online. That is less than minimum wage though. Hopefully, this will motivate her toward getting a job even if it's flipping burgers somewhere.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well she will eventually have to support herself but again, it's not your problem.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

You are right but my biggest concern is she will try to get spousal support. With 3 kids, 2 houses and ALL the family bills, I cannot afford to pay that without something falling through the cracks. I guess if she does that then I can file for child support and get most of it back tax free? Who knows...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Talk to a lawyer and she what your rights are. You should file for divorce on grounds of abandonment


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Yes, I am going to do that. Abandonment and adultery. My children can testify to the fact that they shared a bedroom and lived together.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Married in VA said:


> Yes, I am going to do that. Abandonment and adultery. My children can testify to the fact that they shared a bedroom and lived together.


What was your wife's childhood like?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Married in VA said:


> Yes, I am going to do that. Abandonment and adultery. My children can testify to the fact that they shared a bedroom and lived together.


Check with your lawyer to see if you can change the locks at your house. You don't want her to be able to easily move back in. I would argue that since she moved out, you don't have any idea who has a key or could have made one so you want to be safe.


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