# Sex&Intimacy



## SoThisIsIt1986 (Feb 19, 2015)

Hey everyone  
This is my first time ever posting something regarding my relationship, or things Im feeling regarding my marriage online. Ive seen this forum before and have seen some good feedback and advice from members before so I thought it could be helpful to join. Little background information, I am 28 years old, husband is 29. We have been together for almost 11 years.. with a 1 1/2 year break 5 years ago.. Anywho we met in our teen years, became teen parents and just tried to do the very best we could under alot of tough circumstances. We stuck it through, and I think convincing ourselves this is good and that we are happy since then... all by trying to do the 'right' thing I believe. I got pregnant 6 months into the relationship, which looking back I would totally understand people gasping about that or having negative opinions but its what we chose, and we were not okay with any other options.. So at this point of our lives we have 3 kids, we both work full time, he works maybe 5-8 hours more a week than I. Aside from trust, financial, control issues we're dealing with.. I think today I really took a good harsh look at our realities and it makes me really sad. We have not slept in the same bed in almost 3 years (on rare occaisons we do of course but I would say 1x a month or so), we dont kiss eachother good night, there is no nonsexual intimacy (and very little sexual) at all, hand holding, shoulder rub, nothing like that.. and we maybe have sex 1x every 3-4 weeks.. I think the median average we have sex is about that, every 3 1/2 weeks or so which is absurd to me.. I watch porn and do masterbate and dont feel shame in saying so. He does aswell. We are both to blame on these issues but its just not normal. For the most part I am a very laid back type of person, go with the flow, things will all work out blah blah blah, but I know this isint right. I'm not a needy person by any means, time for by myself in large amounts is okay with me.. but like where did we go wrong? We were never entangled in eachothers arms all lovey dovey which is fine sort of, but I kind of feel like we are at an abnormal area in our relationship. I dont know what to do. And dont know what to think. If anyone has any insight or information I'd be so glad.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

I'm confused, why don't you do any of the following: sleep in the same bed, hand holding, kisses goodnight etc.? I'm anti porn, not judging, but watching it, while negating real human response with your partner seems really off to me? If you both were never into "lovey dovey" stuff, that's okay, as long as you both are on the same page, but it sounds like you are missing some of that now or is it just a feeling of strangeness that you two are different than the norm??


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Why?

What happened?

What does you husband think about this?

What do you want your marriage to look like?

Do you think your ideal and reality can come close to matching?

What does your husbands ideal marriage look like?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evenign SoThisIsIt1986
If you initiate some non-sexual intimacy - a kiss as you walk by. Holding hands while watching TV, etc. does he pull away? have you tried? Is it possible each of you senses a problem but feels funny being the first one to initiate (maybe fear of rejection?).


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

SoThisIsIt1986 said:


> ....We have not slept in the same bed in almost 3 years (on rare occaisons we do of course but I would say 1x a month or so), we dont kiss eachother good night, there is no nonsexual intimacy (and very little sexual) at all, hand holding, shoulder rub, nothing like that.. and we maybe have sex 1x every 3-4 weeks..
> 
> ... I watch porn and do masterbate and dont feel shame in saying so. He does aswell.
> 
> ...


My 2 cents. Talk to your H and tell him that you want to reconnect to him physically and emotionally. 

If you and he masturbate and do porn, can you at least sync up so that you do in the same bed on the same night/morning sequentially with the other holding them in their arms? This way you will at least be having sex together.....sort of.

Also, is there some reason you don't sleep in the same bed, work different shifts? If so, can't you find some mommy/daddy play time to be alone together in bed at least once a week? Sort of a "date night" on steroids?

One of the other things that you might look into is good old fashioned YMCA or church summer camp for your kids when they get to an appropriate age. My wife and I use to look forward to our week alone each summer. Even scheduled some of our vacation time for Camp week.

On a scale of where to start, if you do have time together, doing things designed to physically connect the two of you. For example sitting on the sofa, taking turns either rubbing each others feet or shoulders? Kids can be in the room for that. 
After, you put the kids to bed you can come back to him and ask if he would like to continue or if he might like a happy ending to his massage. 

One of the things the Gottmans are big on in their marriage studies is daily rituals of bonding. A long kiss or hug in the morning and on reconnecting after work, complements given to each other and spending time emotionally connecting. They actually have a 35 minute weekly routine (5 minutes a day for 7 days a week) they say can give you a solid marriage.

Free Marriage Counseling: How to Do it Yourself | The Art of Manliness

The point is that it doesn't take a lot of time or energy to gain intimacy.

Good luck.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

I am not real sure what kind of answer you are looking for. Things are not "Bad", they just are not like the married relationships of most people. I have learned this much in marriage counseling..... If it works for you then that is great. You marriage doesn't have to be what every body else has, it only has to be what you have. 

I'd love to hear the answers to some of the above posters questions. I would like to help bout I need a little more information.


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## seattle_stranger (Nov 4, 2014)

Would you say you're in love with this man? Can you see a happy marriage with him?


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