# Bachelor Party Topic Resurfaces



## LL500 (Oct 8, 2013)

To recap: husband went on Bachelor party with a big group of friends several months before our wedding. Everything was hush hush on how it went, however eventually it came out that my husband had received a personal private VIP lap dance from a completely naked girl. Whether I'm overreacting or not, I was pissed. To me, that was crossing the line and in my mind went a little too far. Additionally I was upset because he didn't tell me right off the bat when we first discussed this. Anyhooo...months have gone by and in the back of my mind it still really freaking pisses me off that he went there. I never bring it up because it's done and over but in the back of my head when that bachelor party creeps up with friends I can't help but be extremely annoyed as it reminds me of that. 

Well here it is seven months later and last night that bachelor party randomly came up. I actually wasn't even mad about it this time around as time has melted the irritation around the subject. However one of my best girl friends unknowingly spilled the beans about a text my husband had sent to everyone before a summer get together we had...asking everyone to not bring up the bachelor party in front of me. The text read 

"Oh ya....his Bach party was crazy because I even know he texted everyone while we were in the car up to cabin weekend saying not to bring it up in front of you because it was a touchy subject" 

Well here i am months later now angry again about this whole thing lol. I haven't addressed him absolutely it bc I honestly don't know the point but my friend unknowingly letting that text cat out of the bag has me fuming!! I feel he went and exploited my feelings we had in a discussion between the two of us to save his ass embarrassment had someone brought it up. Makes me mad because he was the one who did it in the first place and knew how I would feel about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Did you know about what happened at the bachelor party before you got married? If you did, you had a choice to cancel the wedding. 
I am sure your husband knows he made a mistake and he knows the boundaries not to cross from here on out. Very nice of your " best girl friend accidentally spilling the beans"


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Does he think he was wrong at the bachelor party or does he maintain that you are making a big deal of nothing? If its the former and you're interested in moving forward with him, you'll have to deal with your anger and put it in the past. If its the latter, you have a fundamental mis-match of values.

I too would be angry about the text. Makes me wonder if there is more that happened that night and he wants to make sure you don't find out. Even if he has truly come clean, that's pretty disrespectful and maybe even humiliating thing to do. It's like there's a joke about you that everyone else in the room is in on but you. 

Could be that it was more innocent than that, that he was just afraid that mention of the bachelor party would just reopen old wounds. Seems like he is well aware that you have not forgiven him. Do you want to forgive? Do you think you can? I would still be pissed about the texts, but I could understand why he would be afraid to awaken your anger.

Additionally, I would reconsider what kind of friend this "friend" is. She colluded with your husband and you only found out because she slipped. Is she your friend or his?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

He sent the text because he knows how much this thing quite obviously sets you off. To this day ... some 20 + years later my friends and I will relate some humorous stories that occurred at bachelor parties. Oddly enough, I'm the one that had no strippers, police chases or crimes committed, and I'm the one that's divorced.

Rip him a new a$$hole (again, if you have already done this) and then ...

Let. It. Go.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I was asked to go to a party of sorts a long time ago that was a lingerie party and I was at one before I was married and the models did more than model the underwear. During the break when all the guys were placing their orders the ladies were making an extra few bucks outside if you know what I mean.

I was asked to go to another one and I this time I was married. My wife didn't say no, but I could see it in her eyes and in her actions that she wasn't happy about it and we just found out that she was pregnant. 

I didn't go. Yeah I caught flak from a few guys calling me brow beaten and all that but I looked at it from the point of view that I didn't want to hurt her. I wouldn't like it if the tables were turned. It was no big deal not going and it came down to simple respect. That's all it is. Respect.


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## WaitForIt... (Jan 20, 2013)

Keep your eyes and ears open. Always and forever now.

This is a serious breach of trust on many different levels.

Here's what this boils down to:

He did what he wanted regardless of your feelings. He knew what your reaction would be (even if he claims otherwise). 

He did it anyway. Selfish, self-serving. No regard for your feelings. 

In a committed, monogamous relationship, things of the sexual sort are some of the worst betrayals that can be done. 

THEN he expects everyone that is in the know to lie/cover up for him? What? 

Do you really want to share your heart and your life with someone of that character? Think about this. 

The only way you will ever know he has true remorse, regret and would never do anything similar is if he confesses everything about that night and answers all questions, then informs everyone else that knows that YOU now know everything. He can tell them to please understand it's sensitive and to be careful about bringing it up but that it is no longer his dirty, dark secret.

What kind of friends encourage this behavior anyway?


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

6301 said:


> Yeah I caught flak from a few guys calling me brow beaten and all that but I looked at it from the point of view that I didn't want to hurt her. I wouldn't like it if the tables were turned. It was no big deal not going and it came down to simple respect. That's all it is. Respect.


It's almost funny how some people refuse to see the shoe on the other foot. Guaranteed that every guy that derided you for not going would be absolutely horrified if their woman went to a party where some dude was swinging his meat in her face. 

Any man that claims not to understand why women make a big deal out of these things is either dishonest or profoundly stupid.


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## LL500 (Oct 8, 2013)

Ya I guess it just pissed me off to hear this (even months later) because yes it happened and yes I was pissed but that was our issue between us. And now it's pissing me off even more that he took the time to text everyone not to bring it up because I was sensitive about it. Hence made everyone else involved in our business. That's all
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

*Re: Re: Bachelor Party Topic Resurfaces*



zookeeper said:


> Any man that claims not to understand why women make a big deal out of these things is either dishonest or profoundly stupid.


Context is everything. At the end of the day, either this posters partner is a good husband and decent man who loves his wife and is worthy of trust ... or he isn't.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Deejo said:


> Context is everything. At the end of the day, either this posters partner is a good husband and decent man who loves his wife and is worthy of trust ... or he isn't.


I was speaking in general terms. Even if a man's own wife is OK with him going to a strip club (or whatever) I reject outright that there is a reasonably intelligent man out there who doesn't understand why so many women are triggered by such things. So maybe this guy did nothing wrong at the original bachelor party. That's not the main issue if his mere presence there violates his wife's boundaries.

The bigger issue here may just be the unresolved anger simmering below the surface. His untrustworthy actions like texting her friends to "dummy up" on the topic only serve to increase her feelings. He may actually love his wife and even be trustworthy, but if he continues to act stupidly like this that may all be irrelevant. Name goes for her stuffing the anger down and not dealing with it. 

Many marriages have been sunk due to ancillary problems. Hopefully this won't be one of them.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Deejo said:


> He sent the text because he knows how much this thing quite obviously sets you off. To this day ... some 20 + years later my friends and I will relate some humorous stories that occurred at bachelor parties. Oddly enough, I'm the one that had no strippers, police chases or crimes committed, and I'm the one that's divorced.
> 
> Rip him a new a$$hole (again, if you have already done this) and then ...
> 
> Let. It. Go.



I think this is good advice. Bring it up and go apesh!t on him, let him know that you now know he lies and can't be trusted and you'll remember that. Also that if this is how things are going to be you might have your fun too, then watch his reaction. If he is apologetic and seems to get it let it go. If he is not, you have to consider that you don't share values and could have more of this. It serves no purpose to seethe silently, I get it though because seething silently is something I have a tendency to do, but it really serves no one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

zookeeper said:


> It's almost funny how some people refuse to see the shoe on the other foot. Guaranteed that every guy that derided you for not going would be absolutely horrified if their woman went to a party where some dude was swinging his meat in her face.
> 
> Any man that claims not to understand why women make a big deal out of these things is either dishonest or profoundly stupid.


Thank you. You've restored my faith in the men of TAM. You are a man right?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

LL500 said:


> However one of my best girl friends unknowingly spilled the beans about a text my husband had sent to everyone before a summer get together we had...asking everyone to not bring up the bachelor party in front of me. The text read
> 
> "Oh ya....his Bach party was crazy because I even know he texted everyone while we were in the car up to cabin weekend saying not to bring it up in front of you because it was a touchy subject"
> 
> Well here i am months later now angry again about this whole thing lol. I haven't addressed him absolutely it bc I honestly don't know the point but my friend unknowingly letting that text cat out of the bag has me fuming!!


She would no longer be my friend.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

zookeeper said:


> Any man that claims not to understand why women make a big deal out of these things is either dishonest or profoundly stupid.


QFT!!!


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

LL500 said:


> Anyhooo...months have gone by and in the back of my mind it still really freaking pisses me off that he went there. *I never bring it up because it's done and over but in the back of my head when that bachelor party creeps up with friends I can't help but be extremely annoyed as it reminds me of that. *
> 
> Well here it is seven months later and last night that bachelor party randomly came up. I actually wasn't even mad about it this time around as time has melted the irritation around the subject. However one of my best girl friends unknowingly spilled the beans about a text my husband had sent to everyone before a summer get together we had...asking everyone to not bring up the bachelor party in front of me.


I think you need to bring this up again and have it out with your H. It's not done and over because it continues to make you angry, so whatever was discussed with your H when you first found out about it wasn't enough to help you get over the anger and resentment. 

What did he say back then? Did he refuse to acknowledge that you have a right to your feelings? Did he apologize but you didn't feel it was sincere? Did he see nothing wrong in what he did?

What do you need from him that you didn't get back then? Do you need him to admit that he was wrong for getting a naked lap dance and lying to you about it? Do you need him to apologize for hurting your feelings? Do you need him to admit he wasn't respectful of you, the woman he was committing to for life, and chose to do something selfish for his own gratification that he then hid and told all of his and your friends to lie to you by hiding it ? 

Have it out with him again. Since this recent discovery of asking the group of friends to deceive you, I think you have cause to wonder if he is generally a deceptive person when it comes to his actions vs. your feelings. If you don't discuss this and work it out, your anger and resentment will remain and will be a sore spot in the future.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

zookeeper said:


> *
> It's almost funny how some people refuse to see the shoe on the other foot. Guaranteed that every guy that derided you for not going would be absolutely horrified if their woman went to a party where some dude was swinging his meat in her face. *
> 
> *Any man that claims not to understand why women make a big deal out of these things is either dishonest or profoundly stupid.*


:iagree:
My oh my , watch out!
You're beginning to sound like CM!

I would say that he's dishonest, FULL STOP.

And gentlemen, listen to CM carefully.
Any man who would lie to your wife or girlfriend to protect you, would later on will also lie _to them_ about you.

Never let a secret get between you and your wife. That " friend" would someday use it against you for his own benefit.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

zookeeper said:


> It's almost funny how some people refuse to see the shoe on the other foot. Guaranteed that every guy that derided you for not going would be absolutely horrified if their woman went to a party where some dude was swinging his meat in her face.


The big difference is that if the guy touches a woman stripper, he's going to risk pavement burn when he's tossed out face first.

The woman going to see a guy stripper can touch anywhere she wants, with plenty of encouragement to do so.



zookeeper said:


> Any man that claims not to understand why women make a big deal out of these things is either dishonest or profoundly stupid.


Agreed. Couples need to communicate what their acceptable boundaries are. And not respecting them is not OK.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

Deejo said:


> Context is everything. At the end of the day, either this posters partner is a good husband and decent man who loves his wife and is worthy of trust ... or he isn't.


A good man??? Likely not....The context is he got a very personal, private, VIP lap dance in a private room with a completely naked woman!! 

Flip this and put a woman at a male strip show under the same context, hell even a club with some sexy dancing and alone time.with a guy or even just going to a club at all ( ok with me occasionally and if my guy has a bachelor party I'm ok with it if i trust he can control himself ) hear the men of tam ROAR...but this is no biggie....or might be ok...this guy likely cheated or at the very least crossed major boundaries. Anyone would question him being a good guy or not and this seriously puts him in the not category. So just ripping a new a zzz and letting it go ... Sorry to much to ask.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

inarut said:


> A good man??? Likely not....The context is he got a very personal, private, VIP lap dance in a private room with a completely naked woman!!
> 
> Flip this and put a woman at a male strip show under the same context, he'll even a club with some sexy dancing and alone time with a guy and hear the men of tam ROAR...but this is no biggie....or might be ok...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Pick the hills you are prepared to die on. If a bachelor party happens to be one, than so be it.

I don't advocate lying or deceit. It's toxic. 

But ... the imagined offenses that take place at a bachelor party are almost always just that, imagined. Are there horror stories? Of course there are, but I personally know of only one instance where hired help were doing more than entertaining, and the groom to be, had nothing to do with those activities.

My ex-wife's girlfriends picked out a random, gorgeous guy at a bar they visited for her party and had him try to convince her not to marry me. She danced with him. He asked her to move in. He threw himself into the 'mission'. How do I know this? She told me.

I was in a house right on the Saco River in NH for my bachelor party. My highlighted story was having to stand on the front porch at night singing the Star Spangled Banner with my pants around my ankles as a result of a drinking game we were playing. That's about as close to getting naked as I got.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

Deejo said:


> Pick the hills you are prepared to die on. If a bachelor party happens to be one, than so be it.
> 
> I don't advocate lying or deceit. It's toxic.
> 
> ...


That's all fine and good. i know what goes on. been there done that but it was all out in the open. this was private in a private VIP room , lap dance alone In a room with a totally naked woman? What else is a woman to think ? He didn't share what happened and made a point of keeping it secret ...
_Posted via Mobile Device_

And for the record I don't have a problem with bachelors parties per say or going out with the guys to do whatever but I certainly don't want to hear that!! Yea I will question what happen in that room...I think Any human being would and its messed up to Put a SO in that position. Even if nothing really happened ...which I seriously doubt otherwise no need to move into a private room and I don't care who may have been around possibly egging him on to do so .... That should not have happened!


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

6301 said:


> I was asked to go to a party of sorts a long time ago that was a lingerie party and I was at one before I was married and the models did more than model the underwear. During the break when all the guys were placing their orders the ladies were making an extra few bucks outside if you know what I mean.
> 
> I was asked to go to another one and I this time I was married. My wife didn't say no, but I could see it in her eyes and in her actions that she wasn't happy about it and we just found out that she was pregnant.
> 
> I didn't go. Yeah I caught flak from a few guys calling me brow beaten and all that but I looked at it from the point of view that I didn't want to hurt her. I wouldn't like it if the tables were turned. It was no big deal not going and it came down to simple respect. That's all it is. Respect.


Or you could have just gone, and then not have sex with any of the women there. It does happen.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

inarut said:


> A good man??? Likely not....The context is he got a very personal, private, VIP lap dance in a private room with a completely naked woman!!


One lap dance with a stripper is not really the best baseline to judge someone's entire life on.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

Theseus said:


> One lap dance with a stripper is not really the best baseline to judge someone's entire life on.


A typical lap dance .... No... Private room, VIP guest , completely naked woman ... possibly if not likely for hire.... 
Oh YES it is....I won't base an entire life on it . But I will seriously consider our relationship if I have to question just how far it went . There are boundaries serious ones and I can deal with the basic of what goes on at a strip club but don't dare put yourself In a situation where I really need to wonder or be afraid of what you might have done. Not at a place like that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

inarut said:


> A typical lap dance .... No... Private room, VIP guest ....OH YES it is....I won't base the entire life on it . But I will seriously consider our relationship if I have to question just how far it went . There are boundaries serious ones and I can deal with the basic of what goes on at a strip club but don't dare put yourself In a situation where I really need to wonder or be afraid of what you might have done. Not at a place like that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But in the end you have to trust someone or not. Just because it would be really easy to cross a physical boundary with a stripper with lower morals seeking more money doesn't mean he did. At the same time, a guy can never visit a strip club once in his life, and lead a secret life of serial infidelity.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

All true and I agree just respect me enough and care enough to not make your self overtly questionable. Given what you say, which is true, care enough not to put yourself in seriously questionable situations because it will seriously hurt your partner and the last thing you should want is her questioning her trust in you..... With valid reason whether true or not its A valid response to a situation .
_Posted via Mobile Device_

And this response is for the good who may really be doing nothing wrong. Other men, will do whatever they do regardless ....


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Then in the OP situation she knew this happened before marriage and still went through with the wedding. If it was a deal breaker she should have postponed the wedding until she was satisfied with his response.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

richie33 said:


> Then in the OP situation she knew this happened before marriage and still went through with the wedding. If it was a deal breaker she should have postponed the wedding until she was satisfied with his response.


Which is pretty much why I say, have it out, and then let it go.

If she can't let it go ... then there are either other mitigating factors between the two of them, or factors pertaining to the OP that she needs to examine and possibly share with her husband.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

Can't say I fully agree in this case. Maybe it's me. I just hope to see these same attitudes toward the girls night out or my wife wants to take a vacation or go out with friends alone type threads....typically I am in the I minority there . pretty much hung out to dry but it's not what I see on this particular thread which to me actually warrants it and I find it so very interesting 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Havent been to a nudie bar since... Jeez... 94? Even i know VIP room has much much more going on.

He did a major breach.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

inarut said:


> Can't say I fully agree in this case. Maybe it's me. I just hope to see these same attitudes toward the girls night out or my wife wants to take a vacation or go out with friends alone type threads....typically I am in the I minority there . pretty much hung out to dry but it's not what I see on this particular thread and I find it so very interesting
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are doing the samething that you are accusing men doing in those threads.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

richie33 said:


> You are doing the samething that you are accusing men doing in those threads.


There are times when I agree that a red flag/flags are there and times I do not depending on the situation whether its a male or female posting but the double standard is glaring in this case and in several I have read.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

weightlifter said:


> Havent been to a nudie bar since... Jeez... 94? Even i know VIP room has much much more going on.


I would consider a lap dance out where everyone could see it is a breach, so I've never partaken. Don't know any guys who've gone to the VIP room, so I don't know that route either.

I wouldn't be _surprised_ that it pushes / violates the laws on prostitution. But I also don't know that it does either.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

So you are ok with GNOs, a wife going on vacation by herself but here you are saying if a man at any point before marriage had gotten a lap dance in a VIP room he cannot possibly be a good man? That sounds like a double standard.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

larry.gray said:


> I would consider a lap dance out where everyone could see it is a breach, so I've never partaken. Don't know any guys who've gone to the VIP room, so I don't know that route either.
> 
> I wouldn't be _surprised_ that it pushes / violates the laws on prostitution. But I also don't know that it does either.


I'm not particularly fond of what goes on out in the open either although I assume its mild, harmless and in good fun for the men or occasion. I don't like it but if it really is mild i can pass it off as meaningless. Going beyond that..... No....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

richie33 said:


> So you are ok with GNOs, a wife going on vacation by herself but here you are saying if a man at any point before marriage had gotten a lap dance in a VIP room he cannot possibly be a good man? That sounds like a double standard.


No. Im Saying a woman or a man can go out for a guy/girls night out or even a bachelor party/male review and not cross lines but this man in this situation did just by walking into to that private room with a naked woman and I'm shocked by all the men saying no big deal to that when they scream cheating ***** to much less and unwarranted judgement. Do some deserve that label ... Yes ... But does every new situation call for it.... No .

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Maybe I am reading it different than you. I do not see anyone giving this OP husband high fives, saying atta boy. Was he wrong while they were engaged to get a nude lap dance? Yes, he would really be wrong if it was discussed before the bachelor party that his soon to be wife told him her boundaries were absolutely no lap dances. But the OP has not specified that....should she have had to maybe, maybe not. But if she knew this information prior to marriage and still went along with the wedding, that's on her. 
I have no problems with GNOs or if my wife going on vacation by herself. She works really hard and if I couldn't go myself I wouldn't stop her.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

I hear you. Yes, if she knew and was too afraid to speak up about it it's on her to a large degree. But still.... Who doesn't know that it's inappropriate to go into a private room with a naked woman if you are engaged or in a monogamous relationship??? Again we are not talking about a standard public lap dance its a private VIP room, walking in with a naked woman!! Does that really need to be specified before hand?? And if it does....dear lord what else must be reviewed?!?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

weightlifter said:


> Havent been to a nudie bar since... Jeez... 94? Even i know VIP room has much much more going on.
> 
> He did a major breach.


Your VIP rooms may be different than the ones I'm familiar with. And like Larry, I have never, ever, had a lap dance in my life. 

I do however have friends that have. I've seen them, and from my perspective it's a waste of time. Have friends that have been to the VIP room as well ... and they came out saying the same thing Chris Rock says ...

Chris Rock - No Sex In The Champagne Room - YouTube


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

Well I guess you have to get in there to find out if its a waste of time or not . Whether it is or isn't you have to go in to find out and I'm not convinced those going in expect it to be a waste of time . I think the intent is there whether the girl is up for more or not. Whatever she offers will be received. Without the expectation of more there would be no need for a back room or VIP service.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Why does your husband seem to care more about what his friends think than what YOU think? 

He should never be making you out to look poorly or like you are too uptight or whatever. You are his wife! He chose to marry you! That entails respecting you and uplifting you to others. 

It sounds like he's incredibly immature. I would be just as angry as you. He needs a reality check and both of you should evaluate your current friends. Its important that the group you surround yourselves with are friends of the marraige AND that your husband has enough of a backbone to make his own decisions and be a man in front of said friends. 

You have a right to be angry and shouldn't let this go in my opinion. Especially if hes still making crappy choices under the influence of peer pressure...who does he care more about, the friends or you?


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Deejo said:


> Your VIP rooms may be different than the ones I'm familiar with. And like Larry, I have never, ever, had a lap dance in my life.
> 
> I do however have friends that have. I've seen them, and from my perspective it's a waste of time. Have friends that have been to the VIP room as well ... and they came out saying the same thing Chris Rock says ...
> 
> Chris Rock - No Sex In The Champagne Room - YouTube


At the same time I wouldn't rule out that some of them are indeed fronts for prostitution.


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## SolidSnake (Dec 6, 2011)

I completely agree that you should be pissed OP, for several reasons:

1.) He did it in the first place. Lapdance...sleazy and low class if you ask me. 

2.) He did it even thought he probably knew it would upset you. Not cool.

3.) He lied by omission. He was not upfront and honest as he should have been even if he knew it would upset you. There should never be any secrets in marriage. 

4) Every body else knew about it before you did, and he told them all not to bring it up, even going behind your back to avoid trouble and consequences that HE caused by his sleazy and dishonest actions. 

Did you know before the wedding? Quite frankly I would have reconsidered marrying him if he did that to me. Not a good way to start a marriage! Engageing in scandalous behavior and then being dishonest. 

I wouldn't let it go either. At the very least, deffinitly have a conversation with him and impress upon him in the strongest possible way that what he did, and lying about it, is such a violation if your boundaries that you feel you cannot trust him or whatever it is that you feel and that you expect 100% honesty. 

For everyone else, wether or not you find the husbands behavior acceptable or not, the OP clearly does and she has a right to be mad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SolidSnake (Dec 6, 2011)

kag123 said:


> Why does your husband seem to care more about what his friends think than what YOU think?
> 
> He should never be making you out to look poorly or like you are too uptight or whatever. You are his wife! He chose to marry you! That entails respecting you and uplifting you to others.
> 
> ...


Couldnt agree more!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Read your other posts.

You have an awful lot of resentment built up in a marriage that is less than a year old.

Also sounds like the two of you have VASTLY different needs, and ways of expressing them.

You're going to need to get that sorted. 

Both on your other threads, and this one, you don't paint a very flattering picture of your husband.

I'm having a hard time separating the wheat from the chaff. You describe a man that had the opportunity to take a really good job, and has discussed saving money so that down the line the two of you can move closer to your family.

Yet in the same breath, you wonder why he couldn't have just taken a job elsewhere so that you could be closer to your family ... now. 

You made arrangements for the holidays. Then you got a job and wanted to change the arrangements, and were angry with him based on the fact that he had made plans around the first set of plans.

His friends threw him a bachelor party at a strip club. His friends paid for the VIP dance (trust me, that's how it works, he didn't choose it for himself) If strippers at his BP were a deal-breaker, that conversation should have been had between the two of you.

You were angry. Justifiably, very angry. He knew it, and sent a text asking that no one bring up the BP at a gathering between all of your friends. This made you angrier.

So ... is the guy that you married a complete sonuvab!tch?

You sound awfully angry and resentful of this man.

Do you feel like you made a mistake in marrying him?

You guys are young. If you want this to work, it sounds like there is some work to do. Someone else recommended the book in another thread, but I'll second it here. 

Pick up 'His Needs, Her Needs'.


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## rubpy3 (Nov 19, 2013)

Sounds like OP really isn't sure what she wants. Are you angry with the husband in general, or with this issue in particular? Or you are just not sure this is the marriage that you wanted.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

I am sure content of VIP rooms varies highly by metro area. Nonetheless let me put it this way.
As I would see it if my wife:
violation level x/10

Went to a male review sat in audience and cheeredlike women do at these things 3. Mostly cause she would go apesh!t if I did.
Had a lap dance in main room. 6 because contact is my deal breaker and you are getting into contact land.
Went into VIP room had lap dance 8. Add in private area. I know what went down in one in the late 90s. I was there when the men found out. I DONT EVER want to see that face again. They looked likes someone had told them their entire family had been murdered. It was awful and I HATE seeing a man cry.

Yes I know damn well the internet thing/dancing bear thing is fake and done in Miami. Young stupid work mate says to us at work along the lines of "It would be great to be a male stripper... blah blah blah. dancing bear." Its fake. They post ads in Craigslist for "audience" and hire hookers/escorts as the ones that actually partake.


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## Bushman1972 (Dec 30, 2013)

My BP was very bad. I don't recommend allowing friends to host one for you. I was left sleeping on a concrete dock after walking around the island by my self. They tried all of the traditional crap like handcuffs (broke them in 2 secs - big boy). I have not spoken to any of the people there for 6 years except my brother. Even he was a **** that night. It was like I was being persecuted for being happy.

Now I am separated after 6 hard years of financial(toxic boss) and emotional difficulty(In laws hated me from day 1). I love my wife very much. I even paid back my in laws for the limo they insisted on, when I and my partner would have been content with a taxi.

I wish I could recapture our initial happiness. We made a great couple. 

Our Daughter is a very cherished child.


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