# So lost



## Misfortune (Jun 27, 2013)

I’ve been lurking on this forum for a week now and I’ve finally decided to join in. Hopefully I can get some insight on my situation.

*Me: 23, 
Acute Hep B
Adjusment disorder aka situational depression
Codependent Personality
Anxiety
Born in another country. Mom came to America to make a better life for my sister and I
We were left with our mom’s female cousin and her 4 kids who were spoiled and mean.
I was sexually molested by male cousin while there. 
I felt abandoned and unprotected by my mom
My dad just has a lot of kids with many women(my biggest fear is becoming him)
I live in a bad area
*
*Wife(?): 25
Bipolar(hasn’t been on her meds the entire time we were together)
Many bad relationships with men
Addicted to alcohol and drugs
Molested by her uncle when she was younger
She’s spoiled by her parents and lives in a good area
Easily swayed(IMO)
Drug abuse counselor
*
I met her at work 2 years ago (2011). I had just gotten over a few failed relationships in which my SO’s cheated so I didn’t much trust females but I wanted companionship. I was in an online affair with a girl that I’ve never met for over a year (2010+). I was a recluse and kept to myself because I don’t want to be hurt. When ever my now wife would approach me at work I would ignore her or keep conversations really short. I didn’t think a girl like her would actually like me. She kept pushing and pushing and eventually we got to know each other. I decided that from now on I would be up front if I get involved with people. I told her I’m a recluse, afraid of the outside world, have Hep B, I’ll probably be controlling because my dad is and I don’t want to be with someone who smokes. I don’t like smoking and I think it attracts bad people(not saying everyone that smokes is bad). She said she was fine with all of these things, she would never hurt me and she’d take care of me. She told me she wasn’t on her bipolar meds; said that I made her feel like she doesn’t need them. She has this habit of meeting someone everywhere she goes and becomes enthralled by them. I told her that’s bad and she got upset with me, says she just likes to make people happy. She met this new girl at work, became BFFs/sisters in 2 weeks time and flies off to Mexico with her “sister” for her “sister’s” parents wedding. Our relationship just started so I didn’t think much of it. Looking back, that was some impulsive and risky stuff on her part.
Fast forward: She quit the job and I quit with her. I left my parents house and began living with her at her parents house. Her parents are ok and understanding. They give advice but they don’t intrude. Things were good but then we started fighting a lot because my wife would do stuff that bothered me and I would tell her to stop and she wouldn’t. said she couldn’t control herself and such. I couldn’t believe someone couldn’t control their actions. Anyways we would fight and she would tell me to leave and stop me whenever I did. Our relationship was totally transparent. We shared everything. I had no life of my own in the new area so I would rely on her and cling to her a lot. We got married in January(2013). I asked her if she was sure and she said yes. I had pre wedding jitters and reassured me that I would be a great husband same way I’m a great bf. As the months went on I felt her pulling away from me and leaning on her friends all the time. She would go to them for everything and then tell me I’m never there for her. June 2nd, she went to an AA meeting, told me she took a few girls numbers and didn’t come home. Kept texting me asking me if I’m ok bcuz I was drinking. 2 am comes and I get upset. She’s not home and she hasn’t said anything. So I leave and go to my mom’s house. We have a big argument and she told me she was just hanging out. I come back june 4th after I cool down. She’s at work when I get to the house. I look at her messages on her ipad(we had an open relationship like that) and saw her telling her friends about what she almost did that night and how she was out with a girl who was one of her clients. 

I get upset, I show her parents and we’re in disbelief. She comes home and I confront her. She claimed it was an accident. Long story short: I flipped out, tried to commit suicide by walking in traffic, her mom took me to a pyschward the next day. I stayed for a week. Her mom visited and my family visited me everyday. She didn’t come bcuz I might have relapsed in the pyschward. She called occasionally and claimed she was hurting too. Said she loves me but she’s not in love with me. After my 7 daays are up, I tell her to choose and she chose the girl. Says “I’m almost 100% sure I’m gay”. She now ignores me and just says “ok” to my texts so I stopped texting her. I’m cool with the rest of her fam who’s just as upset as I am. I visit from time to time and she avoids me like the plague. 

Anyways, she never showed signs of being gay. I never expected her to cheat. I don’t understand how she went from nice to so cold/heartless. I told her she can file the diivorce papers since she wants it. She hasn’t started yet. What am I to do? I’m currently seeing a pysch and a therapist. I’m working on myself and my codependency. She has also began seeing a shrink and a therapist. She messaged recently to talk about how we’re doing with her doctors. Said she’s gonna ask for pills as soon as she can from her doc. 

Is this a phase? Will she come back? I closed out joint account today and I felt like I lost a part of me. She’s smoking again btw.


----------



## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Misfortune said:


> I’ve been lurking on this forum for a week now and I’ve finally decided to join in. Hopefully I can get some insight on my situation.
> 
> *Me: 23,
> Acute Hep B
> ...


Her smoking is the least of both of your problems.

Stop messaging her. Continue with your therapies. Work on yourself and your own issues and let her work on hers. 

You haven’t once mentioned love. You need to ask yourself why you think you need to be with this woman.


----------



## Misfortune (Jun 27, 2013)

I love her because she made me feel complete and happy. After doing a lot of thinking over these weeks I honestly don't know what I want. I'm confused and I have stopped talking to her. Maybe I'm just afraid of being alone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Misfortune said:


> I love her because she made me feel complete and happy. After doing a lot of thinking over these weeks I honestly don't know what I want. I'm confused and I have stopped talking to her. Maybe I'm just afraid of being alone.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Mis, depending on someone else to make us feel complete and happy is a recipe for disaster. We are, each of us, responsible for our own happiness. Shifting that responsibility not only doesn't work in the longterm, it places a huge burden on the other person.

Work with your therapists to find completeness and happiness within yourself. The rest will fall into place.


----------



## Misfortune (Jun 27, 2013)

I understand that now. I wanted a family and the family life. I thought not dedicate myself to "us" and to "me" instead, would be selfish.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Misfortune (Jun 27, 2013)

Thanks for the advice. I'm not over her but I have no choice but to accept her decision. I file the D papers and get out of her life.


----------



## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Misfortune said:


> I understand that now. I wanted a family and the family life. I thought not dedicate myself to "us" and to "me" instead, would be selfish.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You have to be a strong ‘you’ before you can be part of a strong ‘us’.

_Thanks for the advice. I'm not over her but I have no choice but to accept her decision. I file the D papers and get out of her life._

I’m sorry. I hope you find peace.


----------

