# Online Infidelity



## up2me (Apr 15, 2010)

Christmas a year ago my husband told me he wanted to seperate. Blamed it all on me as the reason why. We talked and he decided to stay only for me to find out a month later he had been having an online affair. Conveniently last year he was turning 40. Would never admit he was having a crisis until months after his Birthday. It has been a hard fought battle and I sit here over a year later, flirting with 40 myself, wondering if it was a battle worth fighting. I'm not sure there is forgiveness is in my heart. The doubt, trust and everything in general weigh to heavily on me. He did this once before (7 years ago) and I was able to forgive them but this time is different. Does it ever get better? Does the doubt ever go away? Does the trust ever come back? I feel like he seeks a life different than the one he has and different than anything he will every have. What he does online would never last in a real marriage unless I'm just a complete idiot, which I don't think I am. The want and desire on such a highly sexual basis that he wont express to me leads me to believe this is not just about "our" life. Thoughts?


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

My wife has been using Facebook, her iPhone and texting to make new "friends" and reconnect with some old ones over the last 10 months. It has slowed significantly, but I'm not sure it has completely stopped.

I WANT to trust her, but just don't feel like I can.

I also feel like it isn't necessarily something that I've done or haven't done, but that she's looking for something exciting that is very hard to come by in the 15th year of a good and decent marriage.

I understand what you are saying. Not sure what kind of advice to give - just know you aren't alone.


----------



## up2me (Apr 15, 2010)

Thank you, the hardest part to me is knowing you 1) can give them what they need if they would let you 2) knowing they give to someone else what you need. I'm just so confused!


----------



## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

up2me said:


> Thank you, the hardest part to me is knowing you 1) can give them what they need if they would let you 2) knowing they give to someone else what you need. I'm just so confused!


Add to that that if you wish them to stop, YOU are controlling. The fact that you found out, makes YOU butting into their private business and untrusting. The fact that you want the thing that they are giving away to others, makes YOU jealous. 

Yup it is a long hard road. If you can get them to at least admit that what they are doing does not belong in a healthy marriage it is at least a start. Of course you set yourself up for the YOU made them do it. If you can actually get them to accept that they were responsible for their own actions ... woohoo!

Not to say you may well have not been responsible for not meeting some of their needs, and obviously they are not meeting some of yours (difference is YOU are not cheating, they are - that one never really seems to matter as in their mind it is ALL your fault as they did not want to have to have an EA, you made them)

So what to do? Well first you need to decide where the line in the sand is for you. At what point will you tolerate no more? Then people can help you decide which way to go, trying to save the marriage before it gets to the "line in the sand". Even the does not have to be THE END, but it does have to be the point where you will take action FOR REAL if it is reached.


----------

