# What's acceptable



## Reflector (Apr 15, 2013)

We recently had dinner with another married couple and the discussion went to "what is acceptable for a girl in a committed relationship to do at a bar or club when a guy hits on her?" For this scenario let’s say she’s with a girlfriend of her’s, like a girl's night out. Just to clairfy, this senario is about a commited relationship, call it going steady or whatever, but before marriage.

I felt that if a girl in a relationship is hit on; it’s okay to make small talk for a couple of minutes (not to be rude) but then should politely let the guy know she’s not interested.

But is it okay for her to accept a drink from a guy?

Is it OK for her to dance with another guy?

It is OK for her to hang out and party with him or them for a few hours?

I’m curious about the general consensus out there.


----------



## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

None of it is okay. 

If you want pages and pages of dialog on it see my thread "Wow I can't believe " blah blah blah
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

No to the drink. No to the dance. Definitely no to hanging out with the guy for hours.
Politely say your married, not interested. That's the way it should be handled.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Reflector said:


> We recently had dinner with another married couple and the discussion went to "what is acceptable for a girl in a committed relationship to do at a bar or club when a guy hits on her?" For this scenario let’s say she’s with a girlfriend of her’s, like a girl's night out.
> 
> I felt that if a girl in a relationship is hit on; it’s okay to make small talk for a couple of minutes (not to be rude) but then should politely let the guy know she’s not interested.
> 
> ...



Of course all this and lots more is perfectly acceptable in a committed relationship, that is;

1]If you don't want to be called a controlling ,insecure husband / boyfriend.

2]Or if you're into the swinging / open marriage lifestyle.

However, if you're a man who respects himself,
Well that's another story...


----------



## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Agree with all of the responders above. No to drinks, no to dancing, no to anything more than what you said --- a minute or two of a "thanks but no thanks" conversation (to not be rude) and move on. 

Sometimes you can't help but have a guy buy a drink for you. If they were to ask me if I wanted one I'd decline but many times a guy will buy a drink for that girl across the bar. In those cases you just wave and say thanks. Then go back to chatting with your girlfriends. If the guy comes over because now he feels he is entitled to your company I think you just reimburse him for the drink. Well, that's what I would do, at least! But if he was a complete jerkoff then I'd just ignore him.


----------



## gardengirl (Apr 18, 2013)

What's acceptable is what the couple have decided on. For me, personally, none of that. 

If it has not been discussed, default should always be play it safe.


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Reflector said:


> I felt that if a girl in a relationship is hit on; it’s okay to make small talk for a couple of minutes (not to be rude) but then should politely let the guy know she’s not interested.


A man hits on a woman in a bar in order to have sex with her. So, any interaction she has with him is simply leading him on and keeping the possibility of sex on the table.

If a woman is in a committed relationship (i.e., she isn't looking to date other men), then she needs to shoot down any men hitting on her ASAP.


----------



## Reflector (Apr 15, 2013)

Just to clairfy, this senario is about a commited relationship, call it going steady or whatever, but before marriage.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

IrishGirlVA said:


> Agree with all of the responders above. No to drinks, no to dancing, no to anything more than what you said --- a minute or two of a "thanks but no thanks" conversation (to not be rude) and move on.
> 
> Sometimes you can't help but have a guy buy a drink for you. If they were to ask me if I wanted one I'd decline but many times a guy will buy a drink for that girl across the bar. In those cases you just wave and say thanks. Then go back to chatting with your girlfriends. If the guy comes over because now he feels he is entitled to your company I think you just reimburse him for the drink. Well, that's what I would do, at least! But if he was a complete jerkoff then I'd just ignore him.


If you are married you refuse the drink. No wave. Saying you are married is not a no to many guys. Worrying about being rude should not be the main priority. Best to shut it down period. Not saying no says yes keep trying. No being polite for a few minutes. That just send the signal to the next guy for him to make his pass. Some women enjoy this dance of course. 

It is much better to set the boundaries where you need them to be than trying to put the genie back in the bottle.

What is she doing in the club to begin with? A restaurant doe dinner a couple of drinks is one thing. But putting oneself in a club where people are there to hookup is single behavior.

Now indeed the OP did not say married. But from a practical perspective IF the GF argues to do any of this at all and you are trying to negotiate boundaries ... run away. She is trying to determine how much she can cake eat and is not 100% into the relationship.


----------



## Leasel (Mar 30, 2013)

Personally, I usually try to be polite and if they try to get a conversation going, I throw in stories about my husband. Most people take the hint and try to find a polite way to run off at that point, but for those who don't, I usually just stop caring about being polite, call them out on trying to get in my pants, and tell them to get lost.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Reflector said:


> Just to clairfy, this senario is about a commited relationship, call it going steady or whatever, but before marriage.


BUT, not engaged. Not living together. Just exclusively dating. A nuance perhaps. Some women are serially monogamous but are always looking for the next BBD. So they flirt and keep their options open. Call a date hanging out with a friend even.

So what's the deal? Why the question at all? Trying to figure out what your boundaries are? How old are you guys? Is she lobbying for going out clubbing on GNOs? If so ... save yourself a whole lot of of pain. Decide just how much of a party girl you want. The whole club thing where guys hit on a woman is a speed date situation. Again some women are their for that reason. The intent is to not let it go a long way, but it kinda depends on how much game the guy has in keeping the conversation rolling or how cute he is. Some women will then just feel they are meeting friends who just happen to be guys ... and so on. Maybe the guy mentions he does such and such for a living and then they exchange contact information because, yeah she really needs her bedroom painted. The guy goes to her GYM. Oh wow they could work out together. The guy is a lawyer. Wow how handy that would be to know a lawyer and so on. Oh this guy is sooo cute. He would be perfect for Stephanie. She could get the guys information and introduce them. Yeah, she could be that girl. My point is one can shut this down right away. Guys take a no I have a BF as a given. Also some guys are looking for a married or otherwise attached woman. Some women intend to go to the club and have guys buy them drinks. They know they have to keep them interested so the drinks keep coming. But flirting, drinking and dancing are just a mating ritual. It is game of brealing down boundaries. Playing just the tip. It is not what people in a serious relationship do if they are monogamous.

Forget her boundaries for a moment. What are yours?


----------



## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Agree with the other responses. How can anyone think there is no quid pro quo for that drink? Accepting it is one step removed from speed dating.


----------



## firefly789 (Apr 9, 2013)

Go to the club with your SO. Problem solved. Otherwise, no to all.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Leasel said:


> *Personally, I usually try to be polite and if they try to get a conversation going, I throw in stories about my husband. * Most people take the hint and try to find a polite way to run off at that point, but for those who don't, I usually just stop caring about being polite, call them out on trying to get in my pants, and tell them to get lost.


I think this is effective in a business situation where you want to make it clear that you are married. The stories of course need to be ALL positive.

In a bar club situation this may work with thenlower tier guys I suppose, but as long as their is conversation one is still negotiating to make the sale. In fact if a guy is looking for a maried woman this is just fine. He can use this as an in. He can then use it as an excuse to talk about her marriage and work it to his advantage. Waht does your husband do? Oh I bet he travels a lot. That must be rough on you. Do you guys spend much time together ... then it can go from there. All he needs is something to get her to complain about. Or even if she talks about their fabulous vacations this is an opportunity for the guy to interject a sexy story about his previous GF and him hoping to take the conversation to a more intimate level. He then orders two drinks. It would be rude to refuse. He may try to determine if she likes to dance. He knows this great dance move and wants to show her. No harm.

I am not saying this is what you allow. I am just suggesting that it is not a shut down. You are dropping hints. Guys do not usually take the hint. They are just focused that you are into them as you are talking to them. ABC. Always Be Closing.


----------



## Leasel (Mar 30, 2013)

Entropy3000 said:


> I think this is effective in a business situation where you want to make it clear that you are married. The stories of course need to be ALL positive.
> 
> In a bar club situation this may work with thenlower tier guys I suppose, but as long as their is conversation one is still negotiating to make the sale. In fact if a guy is looking for a maried woman this is just fine. He can use this as an in. He can then use it as an excuse to talk about her marriage and work it to his advantage. Waht does your husband do? Oh I bet he travels a lot. That must be rough on you. Do you guys spend much time together ... then it can go from there. All he needs is something to get her to complain about. Or even if she talks about their fabulous vacations this is an opportunity for the guy to interject a sexy story about his previous GF and him hoping to take the conversation to a more intimate level. He then orders two drinks. It would be rude to refuse. He may try to determine if she likes to dance. He knows this great dance move and wants to show her. No harm.
> 
> I am not saying this is what you allow. I am just suggesting that it is not a shut down. You are dropping hints. Guys do not usually take the hint. They are just focused that you are into them as you are talking to them. ABC. Always Be Closing.


ANYTHING I tell people (especially people I don't know) regarding my husband is positive.

And like I said, if someone doesn't take the hint, I tell them to get lost because I'm not interested. I just like to give everyone a chance to back off and save themselves (usually when people approach me, I can see their friends looking on from across the room, etc.) from embarrassment before I turn extremely cold and mean towards them. Aside from that, it would NOT be rude to reject a drink from a guy who just straight up orders one for you like that (I would actually take offense to someone trying to order me a drink like that, as I don't like it when people try to buy me things).


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Reflector said:


> But is it okay for her to accept a drink from a guy?
> 
> Is it OK for her to dance with another guy?
> 
> It is OK for her to hang out and party with him or them for a few hours?


Every of these options means the girl accepts the guy and is open for hits-on from him. It leads him on.

Rejecting him politely and right away would be the best thing for a girl in a committed relationship. 
Ideally, she should not care about advances from him if her SO is the only one she cares about.


----------



## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

Entropy3000 said:


> What is she doing in the club to begin with?


:iagree: This.


People in committed relationships shouldn't put themselves in stupid situations.
(Like in self defence - first rule: don't be there)


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Committed relationship-----NO, NO, and NO---Nothing else needs to be said.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> *1] Every of these options means the girl accepts the guy and is open for hits-on from him. It leads him on*.
> 
> Rejecting him politely and right away would be the best thing for a girl in a committed relationship.
> *2] Ideally, she should not care about advances from him if her SO is the only one she cares about.*


:iagree:
So simple, yet some people make it sooooo complicated.


----------



## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

It depends. Cake eater moron or person of integrity, intelligence and judgement. 

Commitments come with expectations. Its a deal with another. 

Honor them


----------



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Reflector said:


> We recently had dinner with another married couple and the discussion went to "what is acceptable for a girl in a committed relationship to do at a bar or club when a guy hits on her?" For this scenario let’s say she’s with a girlfriend of her’s, like a girl's night out. Just to clairfy, this senario is about a commited relationship, call it going steady or whatever, but before marriage.
> 
> I felt that if a girl in a relationship is hit on; it’s okay to make small talk for a couple of minutes (not to be rude) but then should politely let the guy know she’s not interested.
> 
> ...


Personally I couldn't give a damn if my husband appeared "rude" or impolite in telling someone he wasn't interested. His concern is with how *I* feel, not some stranger. I certainly wouldn't find myself saying, well, I am terribly glad you were so NICE when you were turning her down!

My answer is "no" to all of the above. I wouldn't find the smalltalk acceptable tbh but then I'm talking from (bad) experience


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Entropy3000 said:


> What is she doing in the club to begin with?


Rags beat me to the punch, but yeah...this.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Reflector said:


> We recently had dinner with another married couple and the discussion went to "what is acceptable for a girl in a committed relationship to do at a bar or club when a guy hits on her?" For this scenario let’s say she’s with a girlfriend of her’s, like a girl's night out. Just to clairfy, this senario is about a commited relationship, call it going steady or whatever, but before marriage.
> 
> I felt that if a girl in a relationship is hit on; it’s okay to make small talk for a couple of minutes (not to be rude) but then should politely let the guy know she’s not interested.
> 
> ...


Frequency matters. Few times a year is fine but every weekend means she should be single. Has to be discussed beforehand and make sure she knows what is too far. If you can't set a boundary and follow through with policing it then skips everything below and just assume doormat position.

- small talk is fine.
- being nice is fine.
- having a drink bought may be flattering. But shut it down at one.
- dance? Maybe a fast dance but that's iffy. Preferably girls dance in group and try to avoid leg humpers.
- she better shut down inappropriate stuff (have on big girl pants and not be passive with obnoxious drunks).
- slow dance with NO-ONE.
- sexy dancing knowing guys are drooling? Go for it and come home feeling sexy 
- eye f*cking? Nope that's disrespectful.
- acting interested to get rid of pest? Nope. See big girl pants above.


----------



## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

I think this goes both ways, both men and women who get hit on when in a committed relationship should not entertain the idea of allowing someone to flirt longer than the first sentence. Especially when at a bar, where it is pretty much expected.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Leasel said:


> Personally, I usually try to be polite and if they try to get a conversation going, I throw in stories about my husband. Most people take the hint and try to find a polite way to run off at that point, but for those who don't, I usually just stop caring about being polite, call them out on trying to get in my pants, and tell them to get lost.


I like this response. Nice until you see they're not respecting boundaries and then call them out. I'd be fine with my wife having this same approach. She used to go out with girlfriends occasionally but never with single girlfriends.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

PHTlump said:


> *A man hits on a woman in a bar in order to have sex with her. So, any interaction she has with him is simply leading him on and keeping the possibility of sex on the table*.


 I agree with this....I've always had disdain for Bars personally because of this fact...when you walk in....suddenly you are reduced to a piece of meat (how I always felt anyway)....it's all a "leading on" ...once you sit down...

To even play with that - would only show *naiveté*....and/ or *DISrespect* for your partner left at home. 

I don't see anything wrong with a conversation ..and Like Leasel said.. throwing in the BF or husband within that conversation - to express you are taken, your boundary....ABSOLUTELY.... A must. 

But the rest.... the drink, the dance...etc....*NO*.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I guess I'm more with Thundarr than anyone on this one.

Assuming I'm in a committed relationship, and I am on a GNO:

Drink - No. If bartender asks first, I'm not interested. If bartender just delivers it, I tell him/her to take it away.

Dance - Possibly. Maybe 1-2 dances over the course of a 4-hour evening...I don't see a problem. I would spend the VAST majority of my time visiting with my women friends which would be THE POINT OF GNO. But, if a favorite song came on, maybe I'd go dance.

Hang out and party - NO! I'm there to visit with women friends! If I wanted to drink, party hang out with a guy, I'd go with my SO.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Leasel said:


> ANYTHING I tell people (especially people I don't know) regarding my husband is positive.
> 
> And like I said, if someone doesn't take the hint, I tell them to get lost because I'm not interested. I just like to give everyone a chance to back off and save themselves (usually when people approach me, I can see their friends looking on from across the room, etc.) from embarrassment before I turn extremely cold and mean towards them. Aside from that, it would NOT be rude to reject a drink from a guy who just straight up orders one for you like that (*I would actually take offense to someone trying to order me a drink like that,* as I don't like it when people try to buy me things).


Agreed. It is more than presumptuous. In fact the guy is a real @$$hole if he knows you are married. This is not a friendly gesture at all. It is insulting to think that you would accept a drink from him. But it is very telling that the intends to push a married woman for ... more. If she accepts she has asaid she is interested. It takes a thousand nos to get back to even. It says, I can be manipulated by bold behavior. Plus if she accepts a few drinks she wikll loosen her boundaries. This is the message anyway. Guys are programmed to see polite behavior as a yes. They are programmed to then ignore any subtle nos after that.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> I guess I'm more with Thundarr than anyone on this one.
> 
> Assuming I'm in a committed relationship, and I am on a GNO:
> 
> ...


What kind of dancing? Dance is sooooo vague.


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

committed4ever said:


> None of it is okay.
> 
> If you want pages and pages of dialog on it see my thread "Wow I can't believe " blah blah blah
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Or, you could just give us a first-hand account. Those details are suspiciously missing from that thread.


----------



## Fledgling (Feb 3, 2013)

First of all what is anyone in a committed relationship doing at a bar. Seriously. Whether you are with your SO or on a GNO what is the frickin' point? Why would you want to go to a place where fully 9/10 of the people there are on the make. Booze? You can get that at home and party at home (with music you like btw) rather than go to a bar. Bad karaoke? Ditto. Socialize. Ditto. there is nothing that can be done at bar that can't be done at home. Period. Going to bars, imho, is just asking for trouble. The drunk reject. The jealous SO. The pestering guys. The high expense. The smell of body odor and booze. What is attractive and fun in all this? Unless you expect to get laid. Or you expect to make other people want to get laid. Or you want to laugh at other people or show yourself off to complete strangers...I just don't get it and never will. 

In terms of boundaries...there is only one answer. No.


----------



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Reflector said:


> But is it okay for her to accept a drink from a guy?
> 
> Is it OK for her to dance with another guy?
> 
> It is OK for her to hang out and party with him or them for a few hours?



Wow... the readers of TAM are pretty uptight sometimes. Almost everyone says no to all these. One person here even said that small talk was wrong. Seriously??

I wouldn't have a problem with any of these, before or after marriage, as long as it wasn't a regular thing. Even in my youth when I was extremely jealous person, I didn't mind my date occasionally dancing with other men as long as I got most of her attention. If she ignored me all night, then that was a problem. 

Accepting a drink from some guy is not a big deal, as long as you are honest with him about being committed already. And good gravy people, it doesn't mean you have to sleep with him! Some really dense frat boys might think this, but the vast majority of men have enough sense to know it's not a quid pro quo.




Fledgling said:


> First of all what is anyone in a committed relationship doing at a bar. Seriously. Whether you are with your SO or on a GNO what is the frickin' point? ... there is nothing that can be done at bar that can't be done at home. Period.


I get the feeling you don't dance much. It's not nearly as much fun to do that at home...

There are lots of other situations she would be there on a GNO. Maybe she's there to support her friend who's shy and needs to meet someone. Maybe she's there because all her friends are single and they wanted a night out dancing. Maybe she's there because it's her friend's bachelorette party. There are plenty of legitimate reasons.


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Dance - Possibly. Maybe 1-2 dances over the course of a 4-hour evening...I don't see a problem. .


What's the point of a GNO when you wanna dance with a guy?
If so, why not take the husband with you? 

There's no point in dancing with random guys when you've got a partner/husband in the first place, in my opinion.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Theseus said:


> Wow... the readers of TAM are pretty uptight sometimes. Almost everyone says no to all these. One person here even said that small talk was wrong. Seriously??
> 
> I wouldn't have a problem with any of these, before or after marriage, as long as it wasn't a regular thing. Even in my youth when I was extremely jealous person, I didn't mind my date occasionally dancing with other men as long as I got most of her attention. If she ignored me all night, then that was a problem.
> 
> ...


Not uptight. Monogamous. YMMV.

You are suggesting she be a wing woman to support a friend to meet some one. Oh hell no! LOL. That is D A N G E R.

Boundaries in marriage are not about playing just the tip. The boundary is NOT PIV sex. It is unfaithfulness for most folks. And indeed if not downright unfaithfullness it for sure starts with inappropriate behavior in risky situations where boundaries slide. Just so no. Not all guys are ok with sharing their wives with other men.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> What's the point of a GNO when you wanna dance with a guy?
> If so, why not take the husband with you?
> 
> There's no point in dancing with random guys when you've got a partner/husband in the first place, in my opinion.


This is why I asked what type of dancing. Dancing seems a level up in escalation from even talking. But how much of an escalation depends on the type of dancing IMO. Now I am not ok with any dancinf but I am waiting to hear whether this is :

1) A group of women dancing in a circle
2) No touch dancing which would be a difficult thing to do these days in a club. 
3) Traditional slow / romantic dancing
4) Club dancing to Club grinding. All sorts of shades of gray but really that matters little past a point.

He also did not bring up a big one which is exchanging contact information.


----------



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Entropy3000 said:


> Not all guys are ok with sharing their wives with other men.


Well, this isn't quite "sharing", and the original question concerned people in a committed relationship, not marriage.


----------



## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Theseus said:


> Wow... the readers of TAM are pretty uptight sometimes. Almost everyone says no to all these. One person here even said that small talk was wrong. Seriously??
> 
> I wouldn't have a problem with any of these, before or after marriage, as long as it wasn't a regular thing. Even in my youth when I was extremely jealous person, I didn't mind my date occasionally dancing with other men as long as I got most of her attention. If she ignored me all night, then that was a problem.
> 
> ...


Theseus there is a common thread in your posts. But it seem just a little bit odd that you would want to hang out in a marriage forum like TAM. You should google that thing you are interested in and you will find there are many forums. Seriously I'm not trying to say why don't you leave TAM but you might could find more in common with what you're interested in.


----------



## The Seahorse Guy (Apr 17, 2013)

I pretty much totally agree with Thesus.

I also think that there are cultural contexts here. What is acceptable in one culture isn't necessarily ok under other cultural norms. Many posts appear to apply the writer's own cultural norms to the thread.

IMO, I sometimes would just enjoy the pleasure of a little company. No hidden agenda. Sometimes people are interesting or fun to talk to or to spend time with. It doesn't mean sex is on offer or expected or even considered. But that's just me.....and I'm weird.:crazy:


----------



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> Theseus there is a common thread in your posts. But it seem just a little bit odd that you would want to hang out in a marriage forum like TAM. You should google that thing you are interested in and you will find there are many forums. Seriously I'm not trying to say why don't you leave TAM but you might could find more in common with what you're interested in.



:scratchhead: What is it you think I'm interested in???

BTW, I've been married for 16 years. It's my first and only marriage too.


----------



## Reflector (Apr 15, 2013)

Thanks for the comments, And again this question was about being in a steady/committed relationship. I believe the consensus so far is:

If you are in a steady/committed relationship, you're not suppose to accept drinks from, dance with and definitely not hang out with guys at a club for hours.

This was very interesting, I didn't expect that the response would be as in tune with my views as it was.


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Reflector said:


> I didn't expect that the response would be as in tune with my views as it was.


I think it has changed. I came to these forums over three years ago. My problem revolved around my wife playing wing-woman to her toxic friend one summer at bars and nightclubs. At that time, the views were WELL over 50% "get over it you controlling Neanderthal". Now it is nearly unanimous that married women trolling meat markets until 3AM is not a good thing.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

MrK said:


> I think it has changed. I came to these forums over three years ago. My problem revolved around my wife playing wing-woman to her toxic friend one summer at bars and nightclubs.* At that time, the views were WELL over 50% "get over it you controlling Neanderthal". Now it is nearly unanimous that married women trolling meat markets until 3AM is not a good thing.*


Maybe it because the evidence is overwhelmingly in favour of the neanderthals...


----------



## SalvageMyMarriage (Apr 6, 2013)

I think small talk and drink are ok. Dance and hang out is definitely a no-no..


----------



## Fledgling (Feb 3, 2013)

So a few thoughts in no paticular order:

I do love to dance. I don't need a loud crowd and a bunch of leacherous men learing at me and my friends to dance properly. Secondly, I have been the "wing woman" and I find it to be a rather uncomfortable situation. I want to hang out with my friend not watch her look for a guy through the brain fog of booze. Do I want to hang out with her and get dumped while she trots off for a ONS? Do I want to sit there and twiddle my thumbs while guys flirt with her and buy her drinks while I could be at home getting it on with my husband? Do I want to fend off guys who ask me to dance or to buy me a drink? What is fun or supportive in THAT? From personal experience there is nothing fun in that (because I love my husband and no man on earth could measure up). And then to have to listen to her complain about all the creepy guys after? I was like what did you expect? 

I would take exception to my husband telling me flat out that I couldn't go somewhere but if he simply said that my going certain places bothered him that would be different. I would respect his feelings and wishes because that's what wives do. I don't go to bars because of my husband, I don't go to bars because of how I respect myself as a woman, wife, and, friend, and mother. None of those roles can be fully embraced by frequently clubbing.

ETA: Which brings me to the point of controlling behaviour. It is my personal feeling that if your SO resorts to trying to control you that your own _personal_ boundaries have been slipping. (Obviously case of truely abusive spouses don't count here.)


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Fledgling said:


> I don't go to bars because of my husband, *I don't go to bars because of how I respect myself as a woman, wife, and, friend, and mother. None of those roles can be fully embraced by frequently clubbing.*


Well thought out and very well said.
If more of us , both male and female respected ourselves like this, many of these petty problems wouldn't even exist.
There is a big difference in lifestyle when two people get married.

Cannot enjoy the " single life " when you're married or in a committed LTR.


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Fledgling said:


> I would take exception to my husband telling me flat out that I couldn't go somewhere but if he simply said that my going certain places bothered him that would be different....


You are no doubt commenting on controlling behavior here. Let me propose this. In a situation where someone is trying to manipulate the conversation in their favor:

Controlling behavior: "my husband telling me flat out that I couldn't go somewhere".

Controlling behavior: "he simply said that my going certain places bothered him".

That second one would get turned around as "controlling behavior" in a heartbeat. That is why married women (sorry to pick on the gals, but that's my experience, unfortunately) have been able to get free pass at trolling meat markets for so long. That simple concern, when expressed that way, gets turned around as controlling behavior. And many men fold at that accusation. A much younger MrK was one of them.


----------



## Fledgling (Feb 3, 2013)

MrK said:


> You are no doubt commenting on controlling behavior here. Let me propose this. In a situation where someone is trying to manipulate the conversation in their favor:
> 
> Controlling behavior: "my husband telling me flat out that I couldn't go somewhere".
> 
> ...


Mr. K, I think you know better than that. How many men get sucked into EAs knowing full well that their SO/wife doesn't approve of his relationship with an OSF? How many times have women been accused of being jealous, controlling, insecure, or having self esteem issues because the husband didn't have personal boundaries set?

The truth is that _no one_, man or woman, likes to be thought of as controlling or desperate. That's why EAs and PAs are often swept under the rug for a long time by the betrayed spouse.


----------



## Fledgling (Feb 3, 2013)

Caribbean Man said:


> Well thought out and very well said.
> If more of us , both male and female respected ourselves like this, many of these petty problems wouldn't even exist.
> There is a big difference in lifestyle when two people get married.
> 
> Cannot enjoy the " single life " when you're married or in a committed LTR.


Thanks. I quit college after two years and married my husband not long after. He was my first and has been my only ever since. There are days when I regret not finishing school or furthering my education. But never, once, have I regretted not "partying enough" when I was young and single. I've never been a bar hopper. Although interestingly my husband and I met while he was a bouncer and I was a waitress. LOL I hate this preconception that the "single" life needs to be composed of ways to get laid or gaining "relationship experience". I mean if you go into your marriage or LTR based on the typical "single life scenario" you are just asking for trouble anyway.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

MrK said:


> Controlling behavior: "my husband telling me flat out that I couldn't go somewhere"?
> Controlling behavior: "he simply said that my going certain places bothered him"?
> 
> That second one would get turned around as "controlling behavior" in a heartbeat. That is why married women (sorry to pick on the gals, but that's my experience, unfortunately) have been able to get free pass at trolling meat markets for so long. That simple concern, when expressed that way, gets turned around as controlling behavior. *And many men fold at that accusation. A much younger MrK was one of them.*


Many guys would fall into that trap and a lot of the blame for this sets on shoulders of their parents (usually father). I had to learn a lot of stupid things the hard way. Of lot of politically correct nonsense taught in school. It didn't have to be that way. Seriously, how can parents not talk to their kids about compatibility, boundaries, self respect.


----------



## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

I have read all these posts since my original one. I still stand by what I said (where I think accepting a drink already made and delivered is ok with a little small talk but nothing more) but I do see the other side of it too. However, my opinion is based on the types of "clubs" I go to. In fact, I don't go to traditional "boom-boom-boom, let's go back to my room" types of clubs. I'm 40. I don't have the mid-driff for it anymore. The places I frequent are more like Cheers but with sticky stools and peanuts on the floor. It's more laid back and the guys are typically toothless and drunk. Sure, they might like to get some, but once they find out I am in a relationship they are just happy to get a smile. But like I said, if they are the jerky drunks, I'd get b*tchy.  

And I could never return a perfectly good drink. 

But seriously, I see both sides. What matters most is not what we on TAM believe but what you and your partner agree to.


----------



## greeneyed (Jul 23, 2012)

[The truth is that _no one_, man or woman, likes to be thought of as controlling or desperate. That's why EAs and PAs are often swept under the rug for a long time by the betrayed spouse.[/QUOTE]

So True


----------

