# Trying to save my marraige. Please help.



## gccf (Mar 31, 2009)

History.. My name is liz.. I have known my husband since i was 5 years old. we started dating when i was 19 and he was 23, we were married when i was 21. I have known my whole life that he was the one i wanted to be with forever. This has not changed.

this week coming will be 9 years of marriage. 2 kids later, and I am just learning he has been unhappy for the past 6 years. I have some how made him feel he is not good enough and that has made him lose his feelings for me.

he wants to go to marraige counciling as do I, to try every possible route to trying to make this work.

Is there hope?? has anyone been here and gotten past this. I love him so much and do not want to lose him. I do not ever want anyone else but him. I so wish he felt the same way about me. I am willing to take any advice. I just want to be a better wife for him, a better person all around. I am constantly trying to be better, but I guess I have fallen short..

Thanks in advance


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

What exactly is he saying you've done? To make him feel badly, and make his love for you lessen? 

Counseling is a great start. It's sweet, that you've known each other your whole lives. What a story to be able to tell your kids, and grandkids someday.


Can you give more info?


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## gccf (Mar 31, 2009)

He is saying that I have not made him feel good enough. I think that just from nagging over silly things.. I dont know he says he feels like he fails at keeping me happy. But i am happy. I do love him so much. I may have failed at showing him how much i appreciate him and how much i love him. I have started trying and now he believe's it's all fake. How come i havent done it before. To be honest i havent because i was afraid he'd reject me. I was afraid that i would be bothering him. 

Now i dont really have a fear of rejection with him not happy with me at all. So i've been trying. i dont want to stop trying. i told him i've always looked at him and wanted to run my hands through his hair, wanted to hold his hand, wanted to thank him for everything he does, but now he believe's it's all fake.

More details.. right now his job is awful.. layoff's after layoff's.. he works nights most of the time so he's off schedule with the rest of the people around him. They want to move him to another branch which would be an awful drive and more stressful. He's tried starting business' but they never worked out. I've always told him that he shouldnt see them as failure's that he has learned something from all of them and at least he tried. I dont know.. I support him in everything, i really do.. I stand behind him.

What's in my heart is that i want to be with him forever, i want this to be a phase that we get through.. I want to support him in what makes him happy, but right now I do not. I can not.. No matter how much I try or what I do.

I feel so terrible that I'm the one who's made him feel this way.. That i've been doing something wrong to make him unhappy and feel like he's not good enough. I just dont know what to do.. Do i keep trying? do i keep doing the things i always have wanted to but held back to show him how much i care, even if he does reject it for now?

we go to counciling on saturday.. I know that's not an overnight solution and will take time to work through at sessions. 

thanks again.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I think maybe he's projecting a lot of his feeling of failure from his work on you. So it may not be all you. 

I would keep doign what you are doing, though. sometimes after i tell my H how im feeling, and he does what i ask him to do, i feel like its fake too. but it helps that he's at least trying. what really helps is when he does something out of the blue. then i feel like it was sincere.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

gccf...

Whether he feels badly, or feels like he's failing, or feels great. Ultimately , no one is responsible for how he feels, but himself. Does that mean that a spouse can't influence how we feel? No, of course they can, and it might very well be that in the past you didn't show him enough how deeply you adore him, and how proud of him you are...

However, having said that, I must tell you, that you taking it all on your own shoulders, and him blaming Everything he feels, thinks, or any emotion he has, on you... is just plain wrong. You can't possibly be totally responsible for the way he is feeling. 

From reading your post, it truly sounds to me like, You have both been under a great deal of stress. Jobs, feeling like you're failing, whether it is he that feels that way because of jobs, or you that feels that way because you feel like you have failed him somehow.... you're both just under the gun. He is wanting to put it all on your shoulders, you're willing to take all of it on.

I think it's largely just that there is a lot of miscommunication going on here. 

But, remember, that people who are unhappy, no matter the reason, will Always look to the person closest to them, to place blame, or shift the responsibility for those feelings , onto someone else. This is perhaps a natural human tendancy. 

Is it really your fault, that he's having work troubles? No....

Is it really your fault that he seems to suffer from a low self esteem, and poor self image? No....

Could you have told him more, or showed him more that you think the world of him? Maybe , yes... 

But ultimately, this won't change the way he views himself. Even if you pump him up all day long, or tell him all the time. It is likely that even if you had Always done this.... he wouldn't have felt it was genuine then either, and the reason why , is that this is the way He feels about Himself. There is not going to be much you can do to change that. And he is looking to blame you, for the low opinion he has of himself. This will never work for him, and it's not fair to you.

You both will have to work together, but the first step is for your hubby to realize, that you as his wife, are most certainly Not responsible, for his feeling like he's a failure. It's much easier for him to pass the blame for all his negative feelings regarding himself, on to You, instead of take responsibility for his life, and his feelings. 

I hope the counselor can dispell the myth that it is someone else's fault how he's feeling, from his mind. 
You need to just keep on doing what you're doing, keep reassuring him, letting him know that he's loved, wanted, and great. And he needs to be told, by you or the therapist, preferably Both... that it's not his wife's fault that he's got a very low self esteem issue.

I have felt that way before myself. I had a low self image, and my first thought, was to blame my hubby, for not making me feel beautiful... but, ultimately, I had to realize, that the problem was with Me.... and the way I saw myself, not with him, or something he was, or was not doing. Even if he Was neglecting me, occasionally, it still does not have to affect how I view myself.

Do you see what I mean? We can only control how we feel, not how others feel. so your hubby has got to start taking responsibility for his own feelings, instead of putting all the burden on you. 

Talk about this in counseling, and see where it goes.... Let us know how it goes and update us! Good luck


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

I think it is great that you are willing to take responsiblilty for your actions that have contributed to the current state of your marrige. I hope that he is willing to take responsibilty for his as well.

I do think that him keeping to himself that he has been unhappy for 6 years is absolutely rediculous. My wife took about a year to tell me that she was unhappy, and it really made me mad because I couldn't do anything to take back the wasted time spent thinking things were fine. He is at fault for keeping this inside and not sharing.

You said his job is awful and stressful. I work a high stress job, and tell my wife when it is espcially stressful and ask for her to help. Does he ask you for help when he is stressed out? Do you do anything on your own to help relieve the stress? 

You haven't said if you work or stay at home. Two children is a load, and can be very stressful if you are home with them. 

Also, could you give us some insight into what you nag him about?

How is your sex life?


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## kate_spencer (Feb 20, 2009)

gccf said:


> I feel so terrible that I'm the one who's made him feel this way.. That i've been doing something wrong to make him unhappy and feel like he's not good enough. I just dont know what to do.. Do i keep trying? do i keep doing the things i always have wanted to but held back to show him how much i care, even if he does reject it for now?
> 
> we go to counciling on saturday.. I know that's not an overnight solution and will take time to work through at sessions.
> 
> thanks again.


Just keep doing what you're doing.. and keep your communication open. He's rejecting it for now because he's not used to it.. anyone would feel weird to see someone do what they don't usually do. And make him feel like you're always there on his side to support him. 
It's a good thing that you'll go through counseling.. many marriages had been saved because of that.. couples just have to be open about everything. 
I hope it goes well with you and your husband..
Good luck.


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## gccf (Mar 31, 2009)

Most of what has happened has been in the past year. He started playing this game, well we started together, an online game with other people.. he got so involved in it it became something he had to do at all times he was awake. I have 2 kids, in the past year got a job, and have to take care of a 2 and 5 yr old. I had to stop the game. He continued.. 

Mostly what i nag him about is spending time with us, helping with the boys and being with me. He was up playing the game all night long, so our sex life completely dwindled. He has found solace and comfort with these new friends in this game and they are what puts a smile on his face.

All of the nagging i've done for him to spend more time with me and make me feel more special than this game has led to more nagging, more tension. He doesnt see the game at a fault at all. I have stopped blaming the game because he said he started to play the game to escape me. But everything was great before the game consumed his life.

He now has slowed down with the playing, but with slowing down of the playing he has become depressed, not happy with me, blaming me for everything. In this game he is a complete success, of the highest ranking, people come to him to help them get to higher levels.

I read articles on this game and experts have written that it can be worse than a drug addiction because your life tends to feel like nothing compared to the high you get off of being so high up on the totum pole with your character.

I am working really hard on not blaming the game, because it makes him so angry. he feels llike it has no part in anything that has happened between us, but in reality it has. It has made me not feel like i can talk to him because he always has headphones on talking to his friends online. He has sent me out on numerous nights just so he doesnt feel guilty for playing the game all night. I am greatful for the night's out but i would have much rather spent time with him.

He has become so depressed, he says he's not depressed, but almost depressed.

His family also has a severe history of depression but he will not recognize that as part of it.

He tells me he doesnt want me to blame myself, yet 2 seconds later everything is because of me and how there is no passion in our marraige.. he has forgotten that we once had passion, he thinks it never exhisted. I am staying as positive as i can for the time being. but he keeps talking like it's over and there is no hope.

He thinks i am lying when i try new things or old things again to to show him i appreciate him. He works night's frequently alone.. I was thinking of doign something unexpected. Getting a babysitter tonight and just driving all the way there to bring him a coffee.. I dont know if it will make him angry and feel like it's fake, but i appreciate him.

He also said because i'm trying it's making me seem desperate. I told him that i am not desperate. I know i can live life with the boys and do it alone, I just dont want to, that i love him that much that i'm willing to do whatever I can without losing myself in the process. I just dont know if i am going about it the right way.

He's only seeing all of the negative's that have ever happened in our relationship.. he thinks they outway the positive. I see it completely the opposite. I think that all of the negative are normal.. fights here and there.. but we've always worked through them. I dont want to fight with him anymore, it only hurts both of us..


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## gccf (Mar 31, 2009)

i also wanted to thank you all who have added your imput,, it really means alot to me to have someone from the outside help out. Yes we are still going to counciling saturday unless he chooses to cancel last minute, which he is known for canceling last minute.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

good luck, and let us know how it goes for you both.  blessings...


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## matt (Apr 2, 2009)

As you go along through your marriage you both are changing. Not to say you are growing apart but you are both experiencing new things and they affect how each of you see the world. The thing I think you together and should both remember is that as long as you to are married you can experience these things together. Remember to embrace each other. You are two different people but you are sharing the same experiences together. Cherish each day together and remember your vows. Being married isn't easy but if you persevere and cling to each other for comfort I believe you will ave a long and happy marriage.


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

matt said:


> As you go along through your marriage you both are changing. Not to say you are growing apart but you are both experiencing new things and they affect how each of you see the world. The thing I think you together and should both remember is that as long as you to are married you can experience these things together. Remember to embrace each other. You are two different people but you are sharing the same experiences together. Cherish each day together and remember your vows. Being married isn't easy but if you persevere and cling to each other for comfort I believe you will ave a long and happy marriage.


:iagree:
My wife and I are completely different people now then we were 5 years ago. You both have to be able to work through the changes to make sure that you make it through them. Again communication is the key.

I don't know much about video game addictions, but I do know a lot about drug addiction. I have lost a close friend to heroin. I can say that it may be worse on some levels, but most certainly doesn't have the same toll as drugs. 

So has your husband said whether or not he is willing to put the effort into making your marriage work? This is going to be very important. It will be very hard on you both if you can't get the same dedication from him, that you are giving. You will start to resent him for working harder on your marriage than he is. You will also not be able to get the results you want if he isn't on board either.


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## gccf (Mar 31, 2009)

I think he is confused as to if he wants to try. He feels like giving up, he feels like it's never been, he has forgotten any of the good we had together. He said he's tired of hurting me and is gonna just deal with this alone. I told him either way it hurts.. he has to work through this, that i want to work through this with him. I dont know anymore i am emotionally drained.. I know he is too. I'm tired of trying to not feel like if he has felt this long that it's all been a lie.

I know that he loved me and wanted to marry me. I know he did.. He is questioning it for himself. I know he's not the type of man to just marry someone just because. I dont have any answers. He doesnt want me to blame myself now, but how can i not? I was the person for him and now he's saying i'm not. doesnt that mean i have failed in keeping our marraige alive.


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

gccf said:


> I think he is confused as to if he wants to try. He feels like giving up, he feels like it's never been, he has forgotten any of the good we had together. He said he's tired of hurting me and is gonna just deal with this alone. I told him either way it hurts.. he has to work through this, that i want to work through this with him. I dont know anymore i am emotionally drained.. I know he is too. I'm tired of trying to not feel like if he has felt this long that it's all been a lie.
> 
> I know that he loved me and wanted to marry me. I know he did.. He is questioning it for himself. I know he's not the type of man to just marry someone just because. I dont have any answers. He doesnt want me to blame myself now, but how can i not? I was the person for him and now he's saying i'm not. doesnt that mean i have failed in keeping our marraige alive.


Well it sounds like it is time to start doing the things needed to remind him why he fell in love with you in the first place. I had to do the same with my wife. It was very hard, and it will take a lot of patience.

Start giving him notes in the morning before he leaves telling him that you appreciate him, and love him. 

Has your sex life come to a halt as well? I think this is going to be very important to bring some of that fire back from him. If it is gone, you need to bring some of that back.


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## gccf (Mar 31, 2009)

he cringes when i touch him. it hasnt come to a hault, he left for a week a little over a month ago.. when he came back we had some great sex. Then he started on nights again. nights + kids + him being too tired when he's on nights equals nothing. i've tried doing these things to show him I appreciate him, he is rejecting them over and over.


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## kate_spencer (Feb 20, 2009)

gccf said:


> he cringes when i touch him. it hasnt come to a hault, he left for a week a little over a month ago.. when he came back we had some great sex. Then he started on nights again. nights + kids + him being too tired when he's on nights equals nothing. i've tried doing these things to show him I appreciate him, he is rejecting them over and over.


Don't give up on him.. just keep touching him.. caressing him.. until he gets used to it. He can never reject you forever. He's a bit resistant for now, cause it took you long before you did that to him. But it's not too late to change it. 
One day, you'll just realize that he's responding to you.. he'll one day realize how sincere you are in loving him. Just be there for him, and keep the love, and plan of some dates to rekindle your relationship. Reminiscing works.. I'm sure some members here will agree.


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## gccf (Mar 31, 2009)

so we went to counciling. First she told him he's super depressed. She thinks he may be bi polar. 

Second, she told me I have to completely let go of him, not wait for him to come back.

So I guess I have to deal with this alone. Start seeing my future alone, Not hoping that he see's that he loves me.

She said I have to live as if I am single. It's very sad and hard to do, but i guess I do have to completely let him go. He needs to find his happiness. Spirtitually I dont believe in divorce, but I guess I have no choice.


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## gccf (Mar 31, 2009)

I should rephrase that, I dont believe in divorce under these circumstances. I do believe that divorce is a very good thing in abusive relationships. but i guess i have to see this in a different light


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