# Just need somebody to talk to



## Serinity1980 (Oct 22, 2013)

My husband and I had a fight last night again because I didn't want to pay for his gas. When he asked why I was refusing to I told him that I couldn't really explain it to him, but he kept insisting that I had have a reason. After about 10 minutes of this I finally told him that the money I had I was saving to take our daughter shopping for back to school shopping, and if I gave it to him to spend it would all be gone and I wouldn't have anything left to be able to buy her clothes. 
Now finally after 2 and a half years he finally has a job above and beyond his *business* and he doesn't pay anything but his gas and he eats out all the time. I even pay for him to go and take our kids to movies. He has paid for like 2 household expenses in the last 5 months since he has been working.
When I told him this not only did he deny it but he called me a lair and said that I was attacking his character. SO it turned into a hour long argument, I used to just argue a bit and then be silent because well I don't even know why but now I'm starting to argue back. 
I guess was my denying to pay for his gas out of line and is my starting to argue back the wrong way to handle this?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why are your finances separate?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Serinity1980 (Oct 22, 2013)

They where not separate until 5 months ago when he started to work and he opened up a *bank account* one I didn't know about at the time to put his paycheck into it. Mine goes into the joint bank account which it always has and he has full access to it. To spend or use at his leisure. If I know I have something coming up like school clothes for the kids I will pull it out in cash the day I get paid and set it aside so he can't access it. He didn't like that so he claimed that I was lying and hiding stuff from him thus the separate bank account. Our bank account is in a negative balance probably 90% of the time. He always says that its because of me that I spend to much I don't know maybe it is, but after his separate bank account thing I went and opened up my own just so I don't have money in my wallet or in the cupboard (he has looked for it before and spent it) and I have money in it. Not much but it has a positive balance.


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## Serinity1980 (Oct 22, 2013)

I feel is I tell him about the money in the other account it will all just disappear. Spent on garbage.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Your financial relationship seems like quite a conflict... Have you guys considered financial counseling? You'd do much better if you were working together as a team. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Serinity1980 (Oct 22, 2013)

PBear said:


> Your financial relationship seems like quite a conflict... Have you guys considered financial counseling? You'd do much better if you were working together as a team.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your probably right PBear, but what do you do if the other person refuses to even admit that there is a problem or that they might be part of the problem. He says that our financial problems are all because of me. I make sure the bills get paid so maybe they are. I can't say no to him and when I do he sulks and acts all moody thus why I don't say no. 

Last week after I got paid I went and bought groceries and he wanted me to buy him a magazine, I told him no he could go buy it himself when he got paid. I had just paid for him to take our daughter to a movie that day and the week before that and the week before that. I didn't think my refusal of buying him a magazine was unreasonable.

So I guess it sums up to I can go, I understand numbers perfectly I like numbers, what I don't like is people who take all your nice orderly numbers and just throwing them in a big pile, and then I get left to sort the numbers out.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What would I do? I'd start by trying to sell it to him as him supporting you to help with fixing things up. But at some point, it would be more like "Look, asshat. We don't have enough money in our account to buy a magazine. Don't you want to get this under control, so we can start planning a future?" 

Unless you two can get this under control, this is your future. Living paycheck to paycheck, never getting ahead. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

No disrespect, but your husband is a jerk!

If you held the family together financially, he has a lot of nerve not depositing his paycheck in the marital account.

I’m not one for keeping finances separate as when you marry it’s a joint relationship and these days its hard to make it on 2 incomes let alone one.

My husband has not worked for 7 years and I would never allow him to pull that sort of stunt, nor would he.
Since he has been out of work, I have had two children go to college and we bought a third property.

I don’t make a lot of money, we are very lower middle class, but we work as a team to be frugal where needed. 

In your case, unless he can become an adult I would split all finances down the middle, he can pay for his half of all household, kid, and fun with his income and see who saves money in the end.

Something tells me you will.


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## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

Get another bank account. Put your check in there.

Split up the bills and other necessary expenses evenly.

If he whines tell him marriage is like a business and he won't make partner if he can't cover his end.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What percentage of your joint income is your husband earning now? 

Does he still have the business? Is it earning anything?

Open an account in your own name. Have your pay go to that account. From that account you take care of yourself and your children. 

Until your husband agrees to act like an adult, a parent and a husband you need to act like a single mom financially.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

Another one of these threads."Hello I'm a person with a issue no none of it is my fault my husband is to blame.Also I will do nothing to help alleviate the issue because I absolve myself of guilt.' 

Why don't you examine the things you can fix then focus on his issues from a position of strength.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Quant said:


> Another one of these threads."Hello I'm a person with a issue no none of it is my fault my husband is to blame.Also I will do nothing to help alleviate the issue because I absolve myself of guilt.'
> 
> Why don't you examine the things you can fix then focus on his issues from a position of strength.


That's why she's here, to get help to figure out what she can fix.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> That's why she's here, to get help to figure out what she can fix.


Most of the discussion revolves around her husbands supposed wastrel spending habits which I'm sure is a part of the problem.What I want to know is her part in the issue of finances so I can help her with that.Her husband is not here so we can't help with his issues but we can examine what she can fix in herself.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Quant said:


> Most of the discussion revolves around her husbands supposed wastrel spending habits which I'm sure is a part of the problem.What I want to know is her part in the issue of finances so I can help her with that.Her husband is not here so we can't help with his issues but we can examine what she can fix in herself.


Yep, that's why people are suggesting that she put her $$ in an account in her name, pay the bills, and take care of her children. Then she can negotiate with her husband from a position of strength.


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## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

Serinity1980 said:


> I make sure the bills get paid so maybe they are. I can't say no to him and when I do he sulks and acts all moody thus why I don't say no.


So he sulks and you give in? Of course he's going to sulk - he knows that he will get what he wants if he acts like that. Tell him that if he wants that magazine, he can use the money in his own account. Same with gas - if he's depositing his income into an account, then he can pay for his own gas. Start saying "no" - if you continue to roll over and be a doormat, he's going to keep this up.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Yep, that's why people are suggesting that she put her $$ in an account in her name, pay the bills, and take care of her children. Then she can negotiate with her husband from a position of strength.


That's just mitigating,we should try to figure out if she indulges his spending habits because it seemed from her comments she does.If she does indulge she is part of the problem and we must get her to set boundaries with him not just hide her money in a bank account.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

Yes said:


> So he sulks and you give in? Of course he's going to sulk - he knows that he will get what he wants if he acts like that. Tell him that if he wants that magazine, he can use the money in his own account. Same with gas - if he's depositing his income into an account, then he can pay for his own gas. Start saying "no" - if you continue to roll over and be a doormat, he's going to keep this up.


Ding!Ding!Ding! You are completely right he is of course a major factor in his own spending habits but her enabling isn't helping.OP you need to set boundaries or you'll build up even more resentment.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Quant said:


> Ding!Ding!Ding! You are completely right he is of course a major factor in his own spending habits but her enabling isn't helping.OP you need to set boundaries or you'll build up even more resentment.


Same thing several others have told her.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Same thing several others have told her.


Yes they suggested fixing something after talking about the husbands fault in the situation.Now the husband does deserve the majority of the blame,but blame setting and then going about your boundary setting with that attitude is bound to create resentment on his part.She should instead of putting in little digs clearly state why she will no longer indulging his spending habits while not being accusatory or angry,even if that's how she feels.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Quant said:


> Yes they suggested fixing something after talking about the husbands fault in the situation.Now the husband does deserve the majority of the blame,but blame setting and then going about your boundary setting with that attitude is bound to create resentment on his part.*She should instead of putting in little digs clearly state why she will no longer indulging his spending habits while not being accusatory or angry,even if that's how she feels*.


I agree with this. 

However, I think that no matter how non-accusatory she is, he will not take it well. She has allowed this to go on for a long time and he's going to fight any changes that would either cut him off from her income or put responsibility on him.


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## rubymoon (Jul 21, 2014)

Quant, she wasn't born yesterday. I'm sure she set boundaries, talked to him, extra, etc... None of it worked. The man will not change because she tells him so! 

Quite often, the only way out of the situation is the same with the way out of marriage. People are torn - divorce or accept the situation with no hope of ever changing it. It's very tough.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

PBear said:


> Why are your finances separate?
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


^^ This!

DEMAND his paycheck go into a common account. And eating out all the time...when your daughter has not shoes??? Rip him a 2nd ******* for that one!:rofl:

I can see eating out once in a great while with clients. Otherwise, pack him a frigin lunch bag.


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## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

murphy5 said:


> ^^ This!
> 
> DEMAND his paycheck go into a common account. And eating out all the time...when your daughter has not shoes??? Rip him a 2nd ******* for that one!:rofl:
> 
> I can see eating out once in a great while with clients. Otherwise, pack him a frigin lunch bag.


Honestly, at this point I don't think she should insist on a joint account. Given her husbands history of having his own account and then being all pissy because she won't pay for things, I don't think it would be smart. He's clearly not financially trustworthy so I would not want to combine my income with someone like him.


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## WallaceBea (Apr 7, 2014)

learning to love myself said:


> No disrespect, but your husband is a jerk!
> 
> .


No disrespect, but I think calling her husband a "jerk" isn't very productive or necessary. Your other advice was logical, but name calling is never productive, IMO.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

PBear said:


> What would I do? I'd start by trying to sell it to him as him supporting you to help with fixing things up. But at some point, it would be more like "Look, asshat. We don't have enough money in our account to buy a magazine. Don't you want to get this under control, so we can start planning a future?"
> 
> Unless you two can get this under control, this is your future. Living paycheck to paycheck, never getting ahead.
> 
> ...


I agree. You might be able to get your husband to to to financial counseling with you buy sort of sharing the blame so you can get the ball rolling and get to the counselor. Once there and all your cards are on the table, the counselor will easily see who is at fault and for what reasons. From what I've read, you are both at fault and will need to learn and incorperate smarter financial practices into your day to day life. 

I personally don't like seperate bank accounts. They allow spouses to hide things from each other and in many cases you are just assuming that your spouse is taking care of their financial obligations. That said. In cases of extreme financial irresponsibility, they often become necessary to keep the spouse that is spending recklessly from hurting the families finances too bad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

OP, I would sit down and come to an agreement as to what household expenses he will cover with his paycheck and which ones you will pay for. Split it up according to how much you make. Let him handle his assigned portion and you handle yours.

Then put your paycheck into an account that he does not have access to and let him handle his portion. He will gripe and complain until he accepts that he sucks with money and that he needs to stop being an immature little boy. He blames you because it's easier that taking a look at himself. 

Don't accept blame for something you haven't done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

murphy5 said:


> ^^ This!
> 
> DEMAND his paycheck go into a common account. And eating out all the time...when your daughter has not shoes??? Rip him a 2nd ******* for that one!:rofl:
> 
> I can see eating out once in a great while with clients. Otherwise, *pack him a frigin lunch bag.*


Just because he's bad with money doesn't mean his hands are broken. He can pack his own 'frigin lunch bag'.


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