# I need some help



## Shock (Jan 22, 2011)

I'm new to this, and I haven't ask for help from anyone until now. 

My wife and I have been separated for a month now, as a matter of fact our wedding anniversary is tomorrow. We have been married for 16 years, and been together for 20years. Dec 19 was the anniversary when we first meet. My W. told me on Dec.19 that she wanted to separate, she felt like that was her only option before she would bust. A few days later she confirm what she wanted by telling me that she wanted to see other people. We both live in the same house right now. We sleep in different rooms. I'm not hostile to her, I respect her and still care very deeply for her. I love her. She is very adamant about the separation and wanting a divorce. We do a lot of talking when we have time together. I have no animosity towards her. I do want to make this work. 
Four years ago we separated, she told me that I had change. She figure that if we separated, we could work on our relationship. I agree. I do a lot of camp jobs in the North. I went away to work, this was Oct. I had found a new place of residents afterward. I got back Christmas eve to spend time with the family. After Christmas I went back to my place. Things were rough, and we were texting back and forth. In the New year, my room mates had a party. I got stupid and got drunk and stone. I passed out in my room later. Later on in the evening this female decided that she needed to get some, and she tried with me. I was out of it, and I can't remember what really happen. (I'm not trying to make excuses, that is what happen). My wife was asking me if I have had any relations with anyone. I mention that we are separated, and I thought that you were filing for divorce. This continue on for another month, between my wife and I. I moved back in Feb. I did however told her everything during that time. 
For the last four years she has been dealing with this ugly sore, thinking that there is more. I have been upfront and truthful. I admitted to the act of cheating, because we were not divorced at the time. Instead of dealing with it back then, which we tried with some counseling. I was an idiot, every time she brought it up, I kept on telling her that it was in the past. What ever the case I didn't help her to deal with this. I have given her and the kids everything that she wants and needs. But we didn't deal with that issue. I truly do love her, and I do not want a separation or a divorce. On the other hand I just want her to be happy. Our kid are adults now, they don't know what there mother is doing and they don't agree with her. I try to keep the peace with them, she is still there mother and they must show respect for her. 
That is the simple form of it all, there is a lot of detail and history, this is good to start. I'm hurt and disappointed, where do I start?
Thank you for letting me vent.


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Let me see if I can summerize this and make some sense out of it....your wife and you have been separated on and off over the past 4 years...your job entails you being away from home for some duration off time and during one stay away, you were used as a sex toy...now, your back home, live with your wife but she wants out, wants to see other people, but still lives with you under the same roof...grown-up kids don't want mom and dad to go their separate ways and see mom as the bad person for wanting this...counseling has been attempted in the past without great success...

Well then, my thoughts are that if this has been going on for so long, with trust issues on going, and counseling was no help...I don't see much hope in the marriage suervivng if healthy communication is being worked on...it's just been too long to fix it, and she won't trust you while your away anymore, and now with her wanting to see others, would you, could you ever trust her while you were away?

The kids are old enough to take care of themselves and really should have no bearing on what you decide...also, you can't control what they feel, but you can ask them to be respectful toward there mother, at least when around you!

Finally, while living in the same house, there shouldn't be any seeing of others...


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## Shock (Jan 22, 2011)

Thank you for your reply, I'm sorry that I wasn't clear. 
This is only the second time she has decided for a separation, and divorce. We have been together the whole time. In the last four years I have taken jobs closer to home so I can be home every night. We have been working on the trust issues since. She wasn't happy with the counseling we receive, they would tell her to journal how she feels. I would rather her tell me how she feels, so we could resolve it. This didn't happen. She wasn't happy with this. I have never cheated on her before or after what happen, and I never had any desire to do so. What happen that night was a one time mistake, while we were separated. I was living somewhere else at that time. I own up to that. In the last 4yrs she would ask me if we were okay, I would say, yes, and ask her back, she would say, I think so, yes. I honesty thought that we were doing good. I know that there is a lot of insecurities, and I though that we were working them out. 
When she told me that she wanted to separate and see other people, I think she was just saying that to hurt me, because of the pain she was going through. I don't think she wants to see other people. She wants to work on herself first. Neither one of us is seeing anyone while we are under the same roof. I have no desire to see anyone, anyway. 
She did tell me that she tried very hard to reconcile with us, which she did, but she told me that she should of work on reconciling within herself. 
The dynamics at home is that our two kids with there significant others, live here too. Which sometimes create tension. In a few months they will be moving out. W. wants there support, and what they think. The kids are honest and tell her that she is making a mistake. W. doesn't like that. 
I get mixed signals from my W. a couple of weeks ago she came to my room to get some. I asked her the next day, why? She said that she has needs. We all have needs. I asked her when she fell out of love with me, she says she didn't, I text her that I love her and miss her, she doesn't reply. She went away for this weekend to spend time with her friends, she gives me a hug and kiss on the lips. I don't understand where she is coming from. Is she playing me, or just wanting to keep me hanging. I'm confuse, damage, and broken. She is 43, is this midlife crises for her? What should I be doing?


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Okay, don't do anything until the kids move out...let that release some stress...

try to find a counselor your both comfortable with...

there is nothing wrong with her keeping a journal, nothing wrong with her not letting you read it...writing is a great way to get in touch with how you really feel, when she writes it, maybe she will be able to verbalize it...what I post here is frequently my own journal, I'm just working things out for myself in my own head...

yes we have our own needs, physically and emotionally...if we neglect one or the other, neither can really be filled...if she wants to fill here physical needs, then she should be willing to work on your emotional needs...if she isn't willing, then cut her off physically...

Sounds like to me there is hope, but you can't let her manipulate the relationship...get strong, demand more counseling, and lock your door at night until she is willing to work on the entire relationship...


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I have a bad feeling here, it just doesn't seem typical for someone to pail out of a stable and secure relationship enless they have someone else lined up. That and the weekend trip doent sound good.

But this together with the way the kids are acting, which sound like they may know something that they resent there mother for. It could be possible that she is already seeing someone.

Do you see any red flags that indicate that she has someone else that could be putting a strain on the marriage.

Just something to look into thats all I'm saying, maybe alittle investigation into her activities may help you understand her behavior.


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## Shock (Jan 22, 2011)

The guy, thank you for your input. I did a little searching and found some journals, no worries about another person. It cover a lot about her insecurities with herself and me, no one else is mention. She has a lot of abandonment issues from her childhood till now.


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## Shock (Jan 22, 2011)

My W. and I were talking again tonight. I asked her why she is self destructive, she said that she's not. She has spent 4 years reconciling with us and she hasn't done any work on herself. She admits to being completely messed up in her thoughts, she doesn't want any help from anyone, she doesn't want to journal, no counseling, nothing. She just wants to be able to work on her own thoughts and way of thinking by herself. She just wants to fix herself. I know that if I leave for a camp job, she will be too consume with what I will be doing and not working on herself. She very much enjoys my company. I guess that I will have to let her do her thing, and try to be as understanding and supportive as I possibly can.

She ref. the movie Eat, Pray, Love, and understands why. Not to that extreme of leaving her kids for that long, but I'm thinking that the marriage is over, no matter what I do.


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