# The healing heart - the 180 (for all the newbies)



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Came across this and it got me thinking about what I went thru on DDay 1 and #2...I WISH had known this back then. Iwant to repost this for all the newbies to the site who are going thru betrayal.

1, Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.


I did most of these on Ddays....I remember even telling H that I would go to counselling so I could change myself, took 100% blame of the choices that HE made.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Bumping it for more exposure.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Bump


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## TheRealMcCoy (Apr 13, 2017)

highwood said:


> 18. ... just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing
> 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.


Yes, I fully understand that these are just two bullet points out of 25 or so. But reading them gives me the impression that this list was written with the intent of winning the spouse back when they see "the new you". Only two written like that, but none that say something to the effect of "The 180 is for you and you alone. Your spouse is probably gone. It is NOT to be undertaken with the intent of winning them back. It rarely happens".


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The 180 does not go into some of the detail, like the WS might never come back because the list we are seeing is out of context. It comes from Michele Weiner-Davis at Divorce Busting. It’s right in light with the Marriage Builder’s Plan B. 

The idea is for the BS to end contact with the WS so that they can protect themselves emotionally. If you read the MB text about Plan B, it says that if the BS does the Plan B (aka 180) long enough, they will end up falling out of love with the WS and not care whether they come back or not. For some BS this process takes a few days. For others it takes longer.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

highwood said:


> Came across this and it got me thinking about what I went thru on DDay 1 and #2...I WISH had known this back then. Iwant to repost this for all the newbies to the site who are going thru betrayal.


As a newbie, I don't understand the lexicon.

1) What is a DDay? And what is the difference between DDay 1 and #2.
2) Betrayal has a thousand forms, is this specific to one or another?

::rolls over for tummy rubs::

Mutt


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DustyDog said:


> As a newbie, I don't understand the lexicon.
> 
> 1) What is a DDay? And what is the difference between DDay 1 and #2.
> 2) Betrayal has a thousand forms, is this specific to one or another?
> ...


D Day is the day that a BS found out that their spouse is/was cheating.

D Day 1 is for the first affair.

D Day 2 is either second affair or when a BS finds out that their spouse is still cheating when they said that they had ended the affair.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> D Day is the day that a BS found out that their spouse is/was cheating.
> 
> D Day 1 is for the first affair.
> 
> D Day 2 is either second affair or when a BS finds out that their spouse is still cheating when they said that they had ended the affair.


*And if they've successfully reached and/or have completed D-Day No. 2, much like my RSXW did, then rest assured that by that point in time, there is no real redemption left!

In actuality, "The 180" is an invaluable tool in helping the betrayed to cope with a deceitful, cheating spouse, knowing full well that "the end" of the relationship has finally arrived or is not very far away!*


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> D Day is the day that a BS found out that their spouse is/was cheating.
> 
> D Day 1 is for the first affair.
> 
> D Day 2 is either second affair or when a BS finds out that their spouse is still cheating when they said that they had ended the affair.


OK...usually an abbreviation gives you a clue...how does "D" lead one to "found out spouse was cheating"?

Care to respond about betrayal? I feel betrayed, but there has been no "cheating", at least as long as you believe the only possible way to cheat is sexually.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

The "D" stands for *Discovery*. The day you discover you've been betrayed.

Second and subsequent D-Days (D-Day #2, D-Day #3, etc.) like Elegirl said, are when you discover that they're STILL cheating after they claimed they'd stopped, or when you find out there was more than ONE affair your cheater engaged in, and for some people, it's when they find out it* was *a physical affair and not an EA, as their cheater so vehemently claimed on the D-Day. 

And most people don't believe that cheating ONLY entails a physical relationship. There are EAs and PAs - emotional affairs and physical affairs. Emotional affairs don't involve sex though they may involve kissing and hand-holding, etc. But generally, when your spouse is investing too much time, attention, effort and feelings into someone other than yourself, this is generally considered an emotional affair.


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## DEMI6 (Apr 12, 2017)

I don't like this...sorry for me it will make me think it's just really over..now if it's already done..then I see this being a good thing 

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## DEMI6 (Apr 12, 2017)

DustyDog said:


> OK...usually an abbreviation gives you a clue...how does "D" lead one to "found out spouse was cheating"?
> 
> Care to respond about betrayal? I feel betrayed, but there has been no "cheating", at least as long as you believe the only possible way to cheat is sexually.


Same here

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## DEMI6 (Apr 12, 2017)

Oh sorry it's about cheating.. not a problem for me right now

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## TheRealMcCoy (Apr 13, 2017)

Not about cheating. My wife never cheated. The 180 saved my life. 

I figured out my wife hadn't loved me for some time. Never will again. I stayed (I have my reason's, let's not get sidetracked). I still sleep in the same bed as her. If I didn't disconnect, I'd be dead. She's not coming back. She can't now. I won't let her. I COULDN'T let her if I wanted to. The end result of my 180 was to fall out of love with her. 

She was my world at one point.


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## DEMI6 (Apr 12, 2017)

TheRealMcCoy said:


> Not about cheating. My wife never cheated. The 180 saved my life.
> 
> I figured out my wife hadn't loved me for some time. Never will again. I stayed (I have my reason's, let's not get sidetracked). I still sleep in the same bed as her. If I didn't disconnect, I'd be dead. She's not coming back. She can't now. I won't let her. I COULDN'T let her if I wanted to. The end result of my 180 was to fall out of love with her.
> 
> She was my world at one point.


Wow this is deep & kind of where I am right now... scary never thought about it never being back to the way things use to be.💔

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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

OK, I'm seeing where I'm losing things.

OP said it was a repost and "helped" on DDay 1 and DDay 2.

What precipitating events would lead a person to implement this list? A cheating spouse? A spouse who "just left without saying anything"? A spouse one is struggling with in any form at all such as me believing she's not pulling her own weight? A spouse who is acting emotionally distant?

Would this list be employed as a first method to attempt to heal the relationship, or is this implemented after one has tried for years and years and felt no progress?

When implemented, is the expectation that the spouse will somehow realize they've not been pulling their own weight/are lucky to have me, or what? Or is this a form of preparing for a full and permanent separation?

A list like that is a tool, but for what job is it intended, and what outcome is usually sought when using it?

Thanks


Mutt


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