# Mother In Law Problems



## SB31411 (Mar 12, 2015)

My wife and I have been together six years total and married for over two. We have a beautiful, funny, energetic baby girl, make good money and live in a vacation spot.
We have many issues but most is my extremely demanding and overbearing mother in law. She controls all of her kids and her husband.
• After our daughter was born, my wife started talking to my MIL constantly. They would keep me out of the loop on things with my daughter and she went to her mom for decisions on our daughter.
• My MIL has always insisted that we spend every holiday at her home and on her time frame. She has gone as far to manipulate the times to try and mess up us spending time with my family on holidays.
• My mother died on Thanksgiving. After Christmas, my wife told me that I wasn’t the usual considerate gift giver I was and it showed I didn’t care about her. (I gave her two gifts and $500 cash)
• I have been told that my MIL said I was “jealous of my daughter and didn’t want her”
• My wife went so far to tell me that the reason we were having problems is because my mother died and I wished it had been hers. (Three weeks after my mom’s death)
• I gave my brother in law over $2,000 of furniture for his college apartment. The parents refused to thank me for it and the brother ended up selling some of it.
• My wife insisted that I get my brother in law a job at my friend’s restaurant. Reluctantly, I did. He did an ok job but could be lazy at times. However, he would brag about how much money he made. During this time, he was telling his parents that my friend was giving him bad tables, hours, etc. and that he was broke. So the parents were forking over money to this kid every week. When tax time came, he had not saved any money and his parents had to pay his tax bill. They had an attorney send a letter to my friend threatening legal action and to turn him over to the Dept. of Labor if he didn’t change the W2. They then lied to me and said they never authorized the attorney to do that. The attorney just took it upon themselves after the conversation. (I should note that the BIL blew through $6,000 of inheritance in two months.) His parents premise was that my BIL was too responsible not to save money for taxes and if he was always telling them he was broke…then my friend, restaurant owner, was stealing from him. (He is 22 years old and they say he is a kid.)
• Through the attorney ordeal my wife has backed her parents and her brother. I have made it clear that I would not stand in the way of them seeing my wife or daughter but I wanted nothing to do with them. My wife claimed I was overreacting.
• Last week, I got to take my first vacation with my daughter since she was born in January 2014. My MIL called to see what my wife was doing and my wife told her we had rented a house at the beach. So two hours later, my in laws show up. After my MIL tried to get my daughter away from me while I was playing with her. I finally told my MIL off. My wife became angry with me and told me I was disrespectful to my MIL. My in laws trued to get my wife to take my child and leave with them. My wife considered it. Vacation ruined.
So here I am. My wife refuses to stand up to her parents and tells me I am ridiculous for letting it get to me. Any advice?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

You sir, need to lay it on the line. In no uncertain terms advise the MIL her persistence in undermining your marriage is enough to not see them again, take the grandchild and wife never to be seen again. Your W should follow you out of the house. If she stays with her folks you then know the marriage is on paper only. 

I can attest to my life with pushy parents, resentment and parents saying really insensitive things about the in-laws. Even the dead ones. 

Break ties. Some of my siblings did. 

You are not required to like and love everyone. You are now full of resentment. Very hard to fix if you W is so inclined. Good luck.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

From experience, this kind of problem will never get solved, because they will forever test your boundaries, as long as you keep changing them. Your wife, brother, and MIL are entitled personalities, and are far too entrenched to give this up. You don't say anything about your FIL. Is he involved in this? Are you prepared to divorce? Your wife continues to demean and belittle you in front of her family. In turn, they will never have any respect for you. While you figure out your legal options, please stop giving into any of their demands, and stop supporting her brother in any way. Freeloader inlaws are the worst.


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## SB31411 (Mar 12, 2015)

My wife told me "I will never pick you over my mother". 

And believe me I am not perfect and don't think I am


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

SB31411 said:


> My wife told me "I will never pick you over my mother".
> 
> And believe me I am not perfect and don't think I am


Well sir, time to separate. When two marry the apron string is cut. Advise your W to enjoy living under the rule of good old mom. 

Honestly, who needs that? I guarantee MIL is bad mouthing you. She is toxic to the marriage and the detriment to your child.


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## SB31411 (Mar 12, 2015)

I thought the FIL was a good guy. But he refused to thank me for furniture as well. Also told me his son was just a kid and shouldn't be held responsible, lied to me about letter from attorney. He also couldn't understand why his son couldn't come back and work at restaurant this summer


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

toonaive said:


> From experience, I this kind of problem will ever get solved. Your wife, brother, and MIL are entitled personalities, and are far too entrenched to give this up. You don't say anything about your FIL. Is he involved in this? Are you prepared to divorce? Your wife continues to demean and belittle you in front of her family. In turn, they will never have any respect for you. While you figure out your legal options, please stop giving into any of their demands, and stop supporting her brother in any way. Freeloader inlaws are the worst.


I can bet the FIL is dragged around by his nuts and is nothing but a yes man to his W.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

SB31411 said:


> I thought the FIL was a good guy. But he refused to thank me for furniture as well. Also told me his son was just a kid and shouldn't be held responsible, lied to me about letter from attorney. He also couldn't understand why his son couldn't come back and work at restaurant this summer


Because it is best for the FIL to stay out of the fray. It makes life a bit easier. Remember....his W is your MIL.


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## SB31411 (Mar 12, 2015)

I have an attorney drawing up papers. I love my daughter and can't stand to leave her. I should also note my wife is 36 and I am 43


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

SB31411 said:


> I have an attorney drawing up papers. I love my daughter and can't stand to leave her. I should also note my wife is 36 and I am 43


The age makes no difference. I'm 8 years older than my Wife. Me 50 and she 42. Married 21 years. My mom said some very insensitive things about my in-laws. My marriage as well. Eventually I had to lay it on the line. My mom got the picture and laid off. I had to defend my W. Your W refuses. 

BTW, you are not leaving your daughter. You fight and win joint custody. You can thank you MIL for the life disruption of your daughter. I'm sure your MIL will think she has won. Does not care about the aftermath. As for your W, the marriage was on paper only. There is no real commitment that I gather from your posts.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

You don't have to leave daughter. As part of the process, a co parenting/visitation schedule will be determined. Drop your inlaws, and fight for your rights as a father to your daughter. Maybe along the way, your wife might, just might, pull her head out of your MIL's backside to see what is happening. Be prepared for them badmouthing you even worse just in case. Educate yourself on the divorce laws of your state. Who knows, maybe your in laws are treating you like this because they want you to leave! This really is a situation where you have to risk divorce, to work on trying to save the marriage. If it can be saved.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

toonaive said:


> You don't have to leave daughter. As part of the process, a co parenting/visitation schedule will be determined. Drop your inlaws, and fight for your rights as a father to your daughter. Maybe along the way, your wife might, just might, pull her head out of your MIL's backside to see what is happening. Be prepared for them badmouthing you even worse just in case. Educate yourself on the divorce laws of your state. Who knows, maybe your in laws are treating you like this because they want you to leave! This really is a situation where you have to risk divorce, to work on trying to save the marriage. If it can be saved.


At this juncture I do not see this being salvaged. The W has already picked her parents. The marriage only in name.


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## SB31411 (Mar 12, 2015)

Thanks for the advice. Marriage only on paper about sums up her appreciation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SB31411,


I know why your MIL gave you an ashtray. I was actually a very moving gesture on her part. 

See, she's letting you know that now that you two are bff, she will be coming over to visit with you all the time. So this way there is an ashtray for when she smokes ... >


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

SB31411 said:


> My wife told me "I will never pick you over my mother".
> 
> And believe me I am not perfect and don't think I am


I heard something similar after a family crisis (FIL had accident) and his parents moved in with us for a year.

"don't make me choose between my mother and you, you'll lose"

I will never forget this till the die I die and although i have a cordial relationship with my in laws I refuse to take any BS from them. He can see them, go for dinner, but if I don't feel like it i wont and when it comes to my home, my time, my kids, I call the shots period. You continue to let this roll, it will only get worse.

Write down your boundaries, and tell your wife but above all FOLLOW THROUGH. They will pout, complain, etc, your wife may also, but you stick your ground. They will eventually respect you for it.

If your wife decides to take their side then she doesn't want to be married then, you are just an appendage.


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

Carry a VAR just in case they try pulling trumped up charges of abuse!!! You have to cover your back. Obviously your wife won't.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

SB31411 said:


> Any advice?


Yeah. Get a lawyer. Before you lose EVERYTHING.


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