# what to do...she cheated on me



## ipalindrome (Mar 14, 2013)

We are 5 months into the marriage. She cheated with a co-worker before the wedding and insists that she doesn’t care about him and I believe her when she says that. She was a virgin before that, and so she lost her virginity to him. I am not a virgin and that doesnt really matter to me, but I thought it mattered to her. That isnt the ultimate issue and thats not what bothered me. I was hurt at the time because I felt betrayed. After careful evaluation of our engagement and relationship at that time, we agreed that she made a mistake and she was seemingly apologetic. Enough for me to believe that it was just that – a mistake. I don’t want to go into too many details about her explanation of why she did it, or how she ended up doing it, but in the end, I felt better about it and we were married a month later. 

And now we are 5 months into the marriage. I caught her recently talking with another guy via facebook, very flirtatious and I confronted her. For two weeks I was dying inside because I got the sense that she didn’t want me anymore, that maybe she never did. She was less apologetic, but still felt bad and tried to convince me that she has a “problem,” and that she needs time to figure out what is wrong with her. Ultimately, however, she does want to work on the relationship because she loves me. I spoke with her some more last weekend, and she admitted to me that she slept with the first guy again, couple months back. Now I am here.

She contests that she doesn’t have feelings for him, that he is very persuasive, but that she did want to sleep with him. It happened. Couple months have gone by since that incident, and I think she intended to leave me and just never tell me. But she stayed because she believes that we can work through this. I don’t know how convinced I am, and recently I have felt like I have had to fight more than she has. She seems crushed by the whole situation and I can empathize, but I’m now more concerned about myself, and I don’t want to get hurt anymore. 
She’s started therapy and seems like she does want to get help and work on our relationship, but given that even after the second time I find her flirting with some other guy. She tells me that the 2nd guy is just a friend and the relationship got flirty, and that was all. I’m starting to feel like she has a real problem and I want to help her. But maybe I cant, or maybe I shouldn’t. I love her and I love who she is, because deep down she is a genuinely good person and I don’t want to lose that in my life. Do I let her go and see if she comes back? Or do I stay and help her and work on this marriage. It’s a young marriage and I don’t want to give up because at the core of the relationship we are great together. After the wedding things were good. There was a cloud still hanging over because of what happened prior to the wedding, but I guess I was just flying high from the wedding and I felt good about us. Now given everything that has happened I feel like I may have been betrayed too much. I havent talked to too many people about this because I am embarassed and I guess I'm scared that the people in my life will tell me to leave her. I just dont want to do that.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You married a serial cheater. Divorce her. NOW. Before she makes you miserable for the rest of your life.

You made a HUGE mistake in the way you handled the first time. You basically gave her permission to do it again by not dishing out any consequences.

Have a read at the Newbie link in my signature for lots of very important information.

I am so sorry you find yourself here, but in a marriage this young with no kids there really is only one option - RUN.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Why do you want to stay with her. This should be the honeymoon phase. Expose and get an anullment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jlc29316 (Feb 28, 2013)

I read these now and can say "I remember when I was there", I mean as far as the shock and why. Don't be naive, she's trash. Therapy is just a bandaid on cancer to her, and she will cover you with her lies as long as she can.
That's all I can really say at this point.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Get out while you can with no financial obligation or - heaven forbid - children with this woman. She has been cheating on you since the day of your marriage - even before the marriage. Do you honestly believe that she lost her virginity to some guy just before your marriage? HA! She probably lost it much earlier than that. 

You're probably pretty young. Take a "do over" - while you still can.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Divorce/Annulement ASAP.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Family and friends will understand why you left her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Annulment.


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## Mtts (Apr 16, 2012)

Start 180: see search for what that is if you don't know.

Your wife isn't going to "get better." She does have a problem. She doesn't respect you and isn't sorry about it. She's sorry she got caught, but it doesn't really seem she's had any consequences for this activity.

1. I'd file for divorce and let her figure out in the time that takes to finalize whether she really wants it. Honestly why even ask, you are so fresh into this that the repercussions are pretty minor for you two. 
2. Her statement of "flirty isn't a big deal" signifies her mentality. It's all good, however consider this: If you were to do the same thing, how would she react and would you have the same calloused statement about it? Probably not, you have morals. 
3. She's slept with Guy 1 twice now (that you know of) and seemingly loves him more than you as she keeps going back. Even after she did wrong the first time, she's willing to risk it to do it again. Now there is at least a Guy 2, maybe more and she's apparently setting up the possiblity of sex there too.

My advice is it's way too early to worry. Just file and you will, I promise, WILL find another woman who has sound character, morals and judgement. 

This isn an easy one in my eyes. As a recent poster said to me "she would have to have such outstanding character and qualities as to be able to overlook these issues."


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

From single virgin to marriage to serial cheater in roughly 5 months?? Meh, not buying it. You've been snowed from the beginning of your relationship. She was about as likely a virgin then as I am now.

Of course, we've seen stranger things so......

Move on. You can do much better than this.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

ipalindrome said:


> We are 5 months into the marriage. She cheated with a co-worker before the wedding and insists that she doesn’t care about him and I believe her when she says that. She was a virgin before that, and so she lost her virginity to him. I am not a virgin and that doesnt really matter to me, but I thought it mattered to her. That isnt the ultimate issue and thats not what bothered me. I was hurt at the time because I felt betrayed. After careful evaluation of our engagement and relationship at that time, we agreed that she made a mistake and she was seemingly apologetic. Enough for me to believe that it was just that – a mistake. I don’t want to go into too many details about her explanation of why she did it, or how she ended up doing it, but in the end, I felt better about it and we were married a month later.
> 
> And now we are 5 months into the marriage. I caught her recently talking with another guy via facebook, very flirtatious and I confronted her. For two weeks I was dying inside because I got the sense that she didn’t want me anymore, that maybe she never did. She was less apologetic, but still felt bad and tried to convince me that she has a “problem,” and that she needs time to figure out what is wrong with her. Ultimately, however, she does want to work on the relationship because she loves me. I spoke with her some more last weekend, and she admitted to me that she slept with the first guy again, couple months back. Now I am here.
> 
> ...


dude she gave her Virginity to some other dude before you were married. I'd be willing to bet that she really lost her virginity a long time ago. Also if she did lose her virginity to this other man. Then I'd be willing to bet that she has some serious attachment to him. I am sorry but I think that your WW likely has not been honest about her past, who she is, and what goes on in her head. I bet you she just pretended to be the woman you wanted because you were a nice guy. Meanwhile her true nature is that she is a love addict. She craves attention from men and is using you because you believe her lies. I am willing to bet if you go to the thread in my signature and start digging for information you will find out that your wife has a double life. I am willing to bet she has compartmentalized her life to a point where she can be two completely different people based on the situation.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Ok I can't even finish this without jumping right in

She's a serial cheater

No kids so dump her now. It will never stop otherwise
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Explain why exactly you love this woman? You can leave off the list
1)Faithful
2)Honest


If she lost her virginity to the 1st OM, I'm the new pope...


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Don't even bother with 180.

Serve the papers.

"Do I let her go and see if she comes back?"

Of course she will come back. Meal tickets like yourself are hard to locate, especially for womenfolk like your hopefully soon-to-be-ex-bride.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

She wants you to be her KISA to her role as damsel in ""dis-dress". You need a wife not a player. You are opening yourself up for many more episodes of "persusaive bad boys entice Mrs Ipalindrome".

You need this chick like you need clogged arteries. Make her return all the wedding gifts and see if you can get the sham marriage dissolved.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> Annulment.


:iagree: *But she stayed because she believes that we can work through this.. * Can You?

Walk away sorry man


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Annulment. Now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

> She was less apologetic, but still felt bad and tried to convince me that she has a “problem,” and that she needs time to figure out what is wrong with her.


 Just my two cents: don't fall for that "I've got a problem" BS. A problem is making pancakes and running out of syrup. We've ALL got problems. That's the "problem" with this world, everyone wants to blame their own bad actions on some kind of problem. People do these things because we want to do things, no other reason. Then we try to excuse our actions by blaming everyone and everything else. She knows what she's doing.

(Now why we want to do some of the stupid things we do, keeps this website and a few thousand counselors very busy)


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Harry, the only thing worse than being married to this gal five month is being married to her six months. She has, beyond the shadow of any doubt, proved what she is capable. If you stay with her another six months, your going to think you died and went to hell. Save yourself and your sanity and get out as soon as possible. Tomorrow would be good. Yesterday would have been better. Believe me guy, it ain't gonna get no better.


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

Sorry about this one but walk away while you can. It WON'T get any better


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Was this her way of explaining why she wasn't really a virgin? A weirder but equally plausible explation like: "Oh, I lost my virginity in an accidental fall at the gym." (I.E. fell onto some dude's d***)


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Sorry for the spot you are in. This early on- I'd run as fast and as far as I could. 

Here's another recommendation for annulment/divorce. You really do not need this crap in your life. 

If you do decide to stay married. Buy high quality condoms. They will be your best defense/protection for your health. That way, hopefully, your wife won't infect you with an STD that she picked up while sleeping with some loser. 

Good luck
WD


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

ipalindrome said:


> She cheated with a co-worker before the wedding ... but in the end, I felt better about it and we were married a month later.


That was your first mistake.



> I caught her recently talking with another guy via facebook, very flirtatious and I confronted her. ... She was less apologetic, ...


Of course she was. You proved to her once before that loyalty didn't matter that much to you. She expected that you would let her off the hook again.



> I spoke with her some more last weekend, and she admitted to me that she slept with the first guy again, couple months back.


So, she slept with some dude 6 months ago. You found out, but married her anyway. 3 months after your marriage, she hooks up with him again. And 2 months after that, she's hitting some other guy up on FB. Oh, and she's "less apologetic." That's quite a timeline.



> She contests that she doesn’t have feelings for him, that he is very persuasive, but that she did want to sleep with him.


So, she admits to you that this wasn't just a mistake. That's bold. Most cheaters insist that things just accidentally got out of hand. Your wife has such little regard for you that she will actually admit that she intentionally slept with a guy she cares nothing about. Nice.



> She seems crushed by the whole situation and I can empathize, but I’m now more concerned about myself, and I don’t want to get hurt anymore.


If you don't want to get hurt anymore, then just run out the door. Don't even stop to shut it behind you.



> I’m starting to feel like she has a real problem and I want to help her. But maybe I cant, or maybe I shouldn’t.


Are you talking about a wife, or a charity case. If you want to feel good and help people, donate your time to the Wounded Warrior Project, or your local pediatric hospital. You don't marry a charity case.



> I love her and I love who she is, because deep down she is a genuinely good person and I don’t want to lose that in my life.


Genuinely good people don't treat their husbands with disdain. And don't fool yourself. That's what she did. She slept with a man, told you about it, thought for a while about it, slept with him again, told you about it again, started flirting with another guy on FB, and she's not even that sorry about it. She hates you man. I wouldn't treat my worst enemy like that. But, then again, I'm a genuinely good person.



> Do I let her go and see if she comes back?


You mean let her go date other men and see if she decides that you're a pretty decent Plan B, or C, or D? I wouldn't do that. You should probably shoot for being someone's Plan A.



> It’s a young marriage and I don’t want to give up because at the core of the relationship we are great together.


You're not great together. She's cheating on you. That's pretty much the opposite of great.



> After the wedding things were good.


Correction. After the wedding, you thought things were good. Your wife thought that she might have to wait a few weeks before hooking up with her boyfriend again.

Look. Is this the woman you want raising your kids? Do you want to raise your future children to be unfaithful, or to accept a spouse who is unfaithful? Even if you hate yourself enough to let her do this to you, don't do this to your future kids.

Ditch her. Pack her stuff, put her in the car, drive her to her parents' house, and drop her off forever. Then, find a woman who actually loves you and wants to spend the rest of her life being faithful to you. You now, a genuinely good woman. There are a few of them out there.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

We have found around here that one time turns out to be many times 99% of the time.
If you dtay married you will never know who's kids you are raising.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Most likely she was not a virgin. 

BUT I am not sure what is worse.

1) She was not a virgin and lied and is just screwing around like always.

2) They were waiting for the wedding to consummate and she had sex before the wedding with a co-worker.

So when did he learn about this? Before the wedding and married her anyway? On the wedding night? Or later?

I guess she got to stay working with the guy because she did not have any feelings for him.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Man it's just the beginning.
Get out. Asap. 
Don't be naive.
And expose her to everyonw she cares for, parents, friends... everyone.
Dump her stuff at OMs...
Get an annulement if you can.

BTW, who's this OM? Is he single? A coworker?
I'd do everything I could (whithin the law) to destroy this ____ .


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Who cares if she believes "you can work..." Who cares?
She's who she is.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Just for the sake of argument, I'm going to pretend that she actually was a virgin prior to your wedding and gave her virginity to the OM. Now lets think about why any woman would give her virginity to a man as she tries on her wedding dress for last fittings...

She actually is in crazy love with OM and not in crazy love with you. She gave it up to him because she wanted him, and not you. She wanted him to want her enough to offer her marriage. So, she gave it up to him. But when he didn't follow through, because let's face it, why would any man want a woman who gives her virginity to some other guy a month before she marries, she came back to you with her tail between her legs. You are the safe guy. You are her fall back guy.

After the wedding, she meets up with him again. She hopes that he will offer to marry her because she is still in crazy love with him. But he doesn't. She is crushed and now realizes OM is a pipe dream. 

But she just can't make herself be into you as much as she was into OM. So, she begins to look about in the hopes of finding another man who rocks her world like OM did. Only she gets caught. Now she has to do some real pretty pouting to make you believe that she believes that there is something wrong with her. She has to convince you that she WANTS to work on the marriage so you won't leave her because... 

What happens to her if you leave her? Can she support herself? can she support herself the way you can support her? My guess is NO, you offer financial security that she wants, you just don't offer the crazy love that she needs.

I'm so very sorry you are being treated like this. There is no hope for this marriage. She is toying with you and if you don't put a stop to it she will destroy your capacity to love at all.

Send her packing.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Run forest run.......


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Just for emphasis...

This is your marriage... Don't look at it, just cut the ties now.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

A standard cheater is someone who is selfishly 'swept away' by lust or emotion and veers off the straight and narrow. A serial cheater doesn't do any veering. A serial cheat takes as a matter of course the right to have sex with anyone he/she wants whenever he/she wants. It's a way of life, a way of being.

The problem for the serial cheats is that society's norms say that people in committed relationships shouldn't be doing this. This societal judgment is annoying and inconvenient to them, so they understand early on that they must lie like rugs to be able to at least appear to adhere to society's expectations.

I don't believe your W was a virgin. She told you that for whatever reason and then had to find a story before your wedding night to account for her 'experienced condition.' She lied and then lied and then lied some more. She has been doing what the serial cheater does best. She cheats and lies. No doubt this is very wearisome for her, but by now she understands that she has to lie because cheating is an integral part of her and she knows no other way.

You are in for a lifetime of hurt with this woman if you don't seek an annulment now.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Let me make a wild guess here: she is way hotter then you think you deserve...and you don't think you'lll find someone as good.

Guess what? She agrees with you.

Listen to Anon Pink. If what she says is true re her virginity, that is like Chairman Mao sized red flags. She KNEW she was getting married. They call the hymen the 'pearl of great price' for a reason. Instead, you got sloppy seconds from this other d*uche.

ONE MONTH BEFORE SHE MARRIED YOU!

Now...you don't want to believe it. You want to think forgiveness. You want to think she's just a little off kilter and a bit of help will make everything fine. She is HOT. She is giving you blowjobs! If you drop her, particularly knowing what you knew before the wedding, you'll look stupid! If you don't forgive her, you'll look like an unforgiving asshat.

Well...you DID forgive her...and more than I would be capable of. She had her shot at redemption...and she slept with the Cherry Picker AGAIN!

And her rationale? "He is persuasive". There are a LOT of persuasive guys out there, my friend. How many more do you want to bang your wife?


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree: with every one else who has posted on this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! run till you cant run anymore and then run a little farther.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Save yourself years of pain and end it. She is not who she presented herself as. Take a look at how stories end around here, that begin with cheating a few months into marriage. Thank god you have no kids and bail.


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

A cynic’s response:

*Yes. She WAS a virgin. But not till one month before YOUR wedding. Till one month before Diana and Charles’s wedding. I KNOW. Because I was the Pope then.

*After that, she probably devolved as the town bicycle. No helmets required to ride. *And you probably are the nth rider, who illusively thinks the bike is exclusively his.*

She does not really want to work on YOU -- as in plural (you and her). She wants to work on just YOU – to see how long she can manipulate you while continuing her serial cheating (or whether she could do that forever). To see how quickly she can establish an alternate set-up and leave, once you start becoming a snooping nuisance.

Run like your gluteus is on fire, Sir. Don’t look back. The town bicycle might be trying to gain on you.



For your info, that man she ‘lost her virginity to’ a month before your wedding, would not have stood by and discussed her ‘reasons’, if she had married him and then cheated on him. She knows / knew it. *That’s why she chose you – a good, malleable man – to marry and cheat on.
*


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I very much doubt she was a virgin and you now know she had ZERO remorse from the first time she cheated on you.

Letting her remain in contact with number 1 was a very bad choice. You should have demanded she quit working with him as a condition of you marrying her.

At this point, divorce or annul her worthless butt. She's a serial cheater and frankly she does not love, respect, or value you. When you let her cheat and get away with it, you let her total respect. Inside she knows she would be long gone if it was you who cheated, and she sees you as weak and unworthy of her faithfulness.

Annul the marriage, exposé her and OM at work to hr, and in fact sue her for any money you spent of the wedding, you got marred under false contract, she had no intention of remaining faithful,

And I very much doubt she's only cheated once since the marriage vows.


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

ipalindrome said:


> I don’t want to go into too many details about her explanation of why she did it, or how she ended up doing it, but in the end, I felt better about it and we were married a month later.


How abnormal... Usually the betrayed are wracked with painful confusion asking a million questions trying to understand why their loved one would do such a hurtful and heartless thing to them. It's a critical part of trying to gain understanding of the core issue, because without understanding there can be no healing.

So I'm curious how you expect this forum to really help you solve anything if you don't care enough to share the most important aspects of your plight (the details on why she cheated)?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Write a personal letter to each guest at your wedding, naming the OM and saying why you are annulling the marriage. Return all the wedding gifts.


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Write a personal letter to each guest at your wedding, naming the OM and saying why you are annulling the marriage. Return all the wedding gifts.


Or just keep the gifts and return the wife.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

All the posters here are right, OP.

I am afraid you had no real marriage .

Sorry you are facing this.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

any updates OP


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

somewhere, a whip is cracking...


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

ThreeStrikes said:


> somewhere, a whip is cracking...


The question is: Who's holding the whip?


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## JustGrinding (Oct 26, 2012)

I'm not going to repeat the advice you should follow since it seems there's a 100% consensus to dump this woman yesterday. One more voice won't help make the point any stronger.

I would like to address this point from your original post:



ipalindrome said:


> I love her and I love who she is, because deep down she is a genuinely good person and I don’t want to lose that in my life.


I'm guessing you're not originally from Huntington Beach. I think you must be a recent immigrant. In that case, let me help you with something:

Out on this little bobbing arm of the Milky Way galaxy where we currently reside, "genuinely good" people do not purposefully engage in activities guaranteed to inflict the most harm on those we're obligated to care for and protect.

You see, here on Earth, your wife is not a good person. She's a horrifc excuse for a human being. You need to get that straight in your head right now.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

HarryDoyle said:


> Just my two cents: don't fall for that "I've got a problem" BS. A problem is making pancakes and running out of syrup. We've ALL got problems. That's the "problem" with this world, everyone wants to blame their own bad actions on some kind of problem. People do these things because we want to do things, no other reason. Then we try to excuse our actions by blaming everyone and everything else. She knows what she's doing.
> 
> (Now why we want to do some of the stupid things we do, keeps this website and a few thousand counselors very busy)




:iagree:

I could not say it better myself.

She wants time to work on her problems, aka, get her share of cake and when she's ready to settle down she'll *call *you, maybe.

I sure hope you did not get married with all of this in mind.

You've been sweeping everything under the rug from the start!

Her actions speak loud and clear, SHE DOES NOT LOVE YOU. A person who loves you does not BETRAY YOU, deceive you, lie to you, and give themselves away to others, instead of fully to YOU.


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

ipalindrome said:


> .....She seems crushed by the whole situation and I can empathize
> 
> .....deep down she is a genuinely good person
> 
> .....I may have been betrayed too much.


Only the last line above is true. 

Staying with her is nothing but trouble for whole life.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

ipalindrome said:


> We are 5 months into the marriage. She cheated with a co-worker before the wedding and *insists that she doesn’t care about him* and *I believe her when she says that*. She was a virgin before that, and so she lost her virginity to him. *I am not a virgin and that doesnt really matter to me, but I thought it mattered to her.* *That isnt the ultimate issue and thats not what bothered me*.* I was hurt at the time because I felt betrayed. After careful evaluation of our engagement and relationship at that time, we agreed that she made a mistake and she was seemingly apologetic*. Enough for me to believe that it was just that – a mistake. I* don’t want to go into too many details about her explanation of why she did it, or how she ended up doing it, but in the end,* *I felt better about it *and we were married a month later.
> 
> And now we are 5 months into the marriage. I caught her recently talking with another guy via facebook, very flirtatious and I confronted her. For two weeks I was dying inside because *I got the sense that she didn’t want me anymore, that maybe she never did*. *She was less apologetic, but still felt bad and tried to convince me that she has a “problem,*” and that she needs time to figure out what is wrong with her. *Ultimately, however, she does want to work on the relationship because she loves me*. I spoke with her some more last weekend, *and she admitted to me that she slept with the first guy again*, couple months back. Now I am here.
> 
> ...


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