# How has the A affected other parts of your life. How is your drive, motivation energy



## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

B1 has posted this question in Reconciliation thread but I think this topic needs special attention and contribution from members.

Originally Posted by B1 
For BS's out there...

How has the A affected other parts of your life. How is your drive, motivation, energy levels. Mine are not great and it's affecting our marriage, not The R, but our lives in general, and understandably so. We have so much going on and I'm just not as driven as I should be. 

Now, When it comes to the R related issues I am driven and tackling that one. When it comes to our marriage I am ok there also...when it comes to life I am hurting. Things like yard work, parenting, handling issues around the house, leading etc. I just don't have the drive I need to get it done right. 

Now, starting today I plan to change that, but it will be a conscious effort, it won't come easy. That's ok though EI and my family deserve to have the best me they can have.

So...to sum this up, how is your drive, motivation, and energy doing since Dday?


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## freedom7 (Jul 13, 2012)

It depleted me and made me age faster, I beleive.Too many bursts of adrenaline, sleep deprivation, massive, quick weight loss etc. My body was ravaged by all the chemicals released and the shift in metabolism. I was too old to rebound very well.
I think it took years off my life.


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

Since Dday, I met with a car accident, I got a speeding ticket. Financially completely messed up. Health deteriorated but by joining GYM, I'm back to shape. 

Mentally I'm very weak. I don't know how I'm holding a Job. My focus is completely screwed up. I don't talk to anyone, nobody is there to listen either.

House projects are all stand-still, I don't participate in kids school. Kids hobbies/activities are all stopped. 

I wake up in the middle of the night, read few TAM stories and then go back to sleep. 

I'm still working on my own self improvement by reading more on different internet site.

In-short, Life is miserable, I don't know whether I'll ever recover from this jolt !!!


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## nxs450 (Apr 17, 2012)

Yes! Big time.


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

freedom7 said:


> It depleted me and made me age faster, I beleive.Too many bursts of adrenaline, sleep deprivation, massive, quick weight loss etc. My body was ravaged by all the chemicals released and the shift in metabolism. I was too old to rebound very well.
> I think it took years off my life.



Ditto. Although I am in my early 30's, there are days where I feel like I belong in a nursing home.
I have stopped caring about a lot of things. My appearance, the house. I don't sleep well, the mind movies play 24/7. Add to that an energetic toddler and I don't know how I stay on my feet sometimes. I HATE what I have allowed the affairs to do to me. I never used to be like this. I was the girl who would be at the clubs, life of the party, commanding attention. Now I just want to hide in the shadows.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

I'll C&P my reply.

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It's bad. I was unable to work for two weeks. Then i forced myself as I have deadlines. My publisher has extended my deadlines out of compassion, but I couldn't put it off forever. So I make myself work, but it's tough.

The house is a mess. I think I've hoovered up once in a month. I look after my kids, I feed them, dress them and make sure they go to school. I've been okay with the laundry - I've had that down to a routine since I had my first child, so nearly 12 years now, so that's easy to keep going with. I try to be a loving parent, but I find myself being snappy sometimes. That has got better, but the first two weeks were tough. My parents took them for a week so a) I could get some work done (the main reason, and the reason I told them) and b) so WH and I could spend some quality time together (an additional reason).

Before D-day I had just started a new diet. For some reason I've found it easy to stick to that. I think controlling what I eat, and my exercise is about the only thing I can control in my life when everything else has exploded into a zillion pieces. Also the small pleasure of seeing my weight go down gives me something to look forward to when everything else has gone to sh!t.

After what's happened this weekend I am having serious vodka cravings. Before I started my diet I was having a tough time with it. I was drinking every night, trying to deal with what I know now was the stress of FEELING something was wrong with my WH, but not actually knowing anything for certain. That lasted probably about two months before I took myself in hand and told myself off most severely. So I started dieting and quit drinking. This week spending time with my WH I made the mistake of getting in some wine to go with our cosy meals in. I am fighting the urge to go to the supemarket and pick up a cheapie bottle of vodka and just get so sloshed I can forget about it all.

But I know it's not the answer, so I'm trying to resist it. I'm not going to let him turn me into a lush.


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## arked (Mar 2, 2013)

I am 55 and I have been unable to put my life back together. I do not eat, sleep, or think well. My energy force has been zapped. Found out two weeks before Christmas when my wife moved out with her AP. I followed the advise here on TAM and filed for a divorce. I am dealing with major depression and because of the rural area I live in, it has been next to impossible to find mental health help. I read here at TAM daily, this site seems to give me more hope than anything I have found so far. Seems to be a lot of good people here at TAM who are willing to help.


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

Our MC (only went once) actually encouraged me to continue on TAM. My stbxh refers to TAM as a place where "bitter people go to talk about how bitter they are".

Hmm, and how did they get bitter, dear? OHHH yes, because of a$$holes like you betraying them and turning their worlds upside down.


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## Playing Catch-Up (Apr 8, 2013)

I'm finding out about her extramarital activities years after the fact in some cases, but I'm here mostly to learn what I need to do going forward. I guess for me, d day was when I found out what had been going on all those years. My reaction has been a really varied mood, which has kept me from doing well at work and from being involved in our lives. I admit spending a lot of time in one room of the house. She tells me get up, get out, get my life together, but she knows why I'm like this.


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## freedom7 (Jul 13, 2012)

ScorchedEarth said:


> Our MC (only went once) actually encouraged me to continue on TAM. My stbxh refers to TAM as a place where "bitter people go to talk about how bitter they are".
> 
> Hmm, and how did they get bitter, dear? OHHH yes, because of a$$holes like you betraying them and turning their worlds upside down.


Bitter is a completely normal, healthy response to this. Anyone who is not embittered by this is in denial, IMO.


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

Thanks john2012 for opening this up to the masses. I came home today, did some yard work, picked up in the garage and did a little more than usual. It's a start.

Like I said and its weird my R is going great, our marriage is actually in a better place than it has been in years. Yet, I'm just zapped of energy and motivation. Somedays I still feel very wounded, other days like today not so much. It's almost like a whole other roller coaster ride. 

Sorry john2012, sorry your so miserable, I can honestly say I'm not miserable anymore, I have plenty of happy times and experience joy. But that nagging lack of drive is still all to present. 

I am fighting it though.


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

I'm having similar problems starting from when I got suspicious in late February to present day. It's a series of bad days, and given how depleted my body is, I'm not sure how I'm still going. I lost 15% of my body weight in a month, couldn't eat, anxiety/nausea, can't sleep, and started drinking/smoking (quitting). I can't do anything I like to do, let alone things I need to do. But I know I must... I've been trying to knock some things out.

I've been served court docs for medical bills from an accident where my WS was driving, had a flat tire on the way to work today (2nd in 2 weeks), money problems, medical/insurance/legal problems, I'm in constant pain/discomfort notwithstanding the affair issues, flunking out of shool due to inability to concentrate, etc etc. It's overwhelming and a terrible time to be kicked down by the woman I loved/trusted, but I know I have to find a way to dig myself out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

My testosterone took a nose dive.
I was gritting my teeth so hard in my sleep I woke up to a crunching sound with half a tooth in my mouth.
Im greyer, sadder, more serious.

I've been exercising steadily the past two months, and been in the gym the past month, so my health is definitely improving.

Even though I never met the guys trying to get something going with my wife, I will be very skeptical of allowing anyone new into the "circle of trust" for a long time. I feel jaded, and want most people at least at arm's length if they don't go to church with me, or didn't come out of my mother's womb.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

I am physically tired almost all of the time, emotionally exhausted, and have little to no interest in doing things I usually enjoy. Some days I'm surprised I'm still employed....I'm distracted, miss deadlines, and at work (especially at work) I just want to be left alone. Today yet another coworker asked me if everything was going ok. I've never been the life of the party type but have always been sociable, now I could care less. The fatigue and lack of motivation bother me the most.


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## Lmodel (Jun 1, 2012)

I'm 12 months out from Dday and initially the effect on me was huge, weight gain, lack of sleep, I was angry all the time, disconnected, no interested in work. My mood had a flow on effect to my relationship with my teenage kids. MC helped me a lot but what really helped was seeing an independent councillor who was focused on my needs and goals only, he didnt have an agenda to repair the marriage he was just totally focused on what was best for me. Honestly he set me on a path that has really worked and I'm feeling much better about myself.


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

Oh man, every day I ruminate on how pathetic I have become and how far I am now from where I always imagined myself to be. Here is how I my life stands:

1. My self-esteem has dropped incredibly. Both in terms of appearance and personality. 

2. I don't give a damn about my health. I know I "should" but I honestly do not have the motivation to care. As a result, I eat more comfort food than healthy food. For some reason after Ddays carrots and lettuce are just a lot less appealing. I'm not a smoker but I've started smoking a lot of hookah (tobacco) because I really don't care if I die ten years early at this point. 

3. Brushing my long hair was really really hard to do. Seriously, it would depress me and I couldn't muster energy to take care of it. Thankfully, I got my hair cut to right above the shoulder and now it doesn't frustrate me. 

4. I have withdrawn from friends and family. I don't want to talk to them about my pain. I really have no interest in going out with friends. I'm starting to feel really sad about this, but I also don't want to put in the effort to renew such bonds, especially because it would be a farce unless I shared my very messed-up marriage. I'm at the age (26) where people don't usually divorce yet. It would make me seem like a far mess from the valedictorian, put-together person I once was.

5. I am struggling majorly to keep up with my school work. Grad school has become miserable even though I was SOOOO happy to be back in school BEFORE I LEARNED about my husband calling escorts. Now is a critical time for me in my Masters program but I have no energy to complete my research projects or to develop relationships with faculty. I've skipped lots of classes - something I would never do before.

6. My to-do lists are impossibly long. And I'm not including unnecessary things - keeping the house clean and so on. I really cannot keep up with important things that need to be done. It makes me feel like I will eventually have a panic attack.

7. I don't care about finances. My husband isn't particularly careful with them so normally I make sure we are doing okay. Now I could care less how much is being spent. 

8. I sleep a lot more, even though I am way behind on everything. Often I just can't concentrate so I might as well sleep.

9. I missed lots of appointments, both intentionally and unintentionally.

10. I consider taking a semester off, but then I might lose my fellowship.

11. I have given up cooking. It's either take-out food or cereal or peanut butter sandwiches. I am also very lazy about cleaning the house, laundry, and all that. Thankfully my WH is picking up the slack on this.

12. I have nightmares about him having sex or desiring it with other women. I also have had some where I am unfaithful. Very messed up.

13. It takes a lot of energy to care about my appearance. I do try to put on make up and be presentable when I go out. It makes me feel a little better or a little less worse.

14. I did not respond to a good friend's invitation to her bachelorette party and wedding. I'm not sure what she must think of me. But I don't want to share my woes with her in her happiness. It also makes me miserable seeing her relationship versus mine. 

15. I'm very very depressed. Sometimes for part of the day I am okay. Actually today I felt good for about 6 hours straight. Mostly, I just can't see beyond the day. When I look further, I want to cry and hide from the world.

16. I am suspicious and have negative feelings toward other men. I realize that it is not justified but I imagine how many many are cheating on their wives. I know women are also horribly guilt - but in my case I am emotionally biased towards feeling that men have despicable potential. I don't like how I've become.

and finally the good one:

17. I still love my dog to death! I put lots of energy into spending time with her. I don't know what I would do without her!


May some wayward spouse read this and realize how much pain they have caused another human being! It hurts so much and sometimes life doesn't seem worth fighting for after being betrayed like this and having to re-examine every assumption and basic fact about my existence.


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## freedom7 (Jul 13, 2012)

As others have mentioned, the fatigue is remarkable. I am tired all the time, now. Forgetful as hell, too.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

freedom7 said:


> It depleted me and made me age faster, I beleive.Too many bursts of adrenaline, sleep deprivation, massive, quick weight loss etc. My body was ravaged by all the chemicals released and the shift in metabolism. I was too old to rebound very well.
> I think it took years off my life.


I'm in that boat right now. This all came out a week tomorrow and I reckon I've dropped 2 kilos. However because I had become 25 k overweight my body is better off, my health should be better. I have stopped any snacking and am eating roughly 50-60% of what I used to. It is extraordinary the adrenaline bursts, the whole shift as you say. I haven't said it yet but I will now, in some ways I already feel myself moving past this emotionally already. Yes, I do get pulled back in when that God awful movie runs through my head at the weirdest moments - hanging out the washing this morning for example, but mostly at night in bed when all is quiet and my cheating partner is fast asleep next to me. But the majority of the time I feel neutral and that's far better than the alternative. OK, go on you more experienced people - is this a false dawn?


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

totallyunexpected said:


> Oh man, every day I ruminate on how pathetic I have become and how far I am now from where I always imagined myself to be. Here is how I my life stands:
> 
> 1. My self-esteem has dropped incredibly. Both in terms of appearance and personality.
> 
> ...


I am sending you all my remaining ERV's (Emotional Recovery Vibes). This site has been an incredible support to me in such a short time. I hope my ERV's give you some solace. Each minute each hour each day I remind myself that I deserve and I will have better than this. Best wishes to you here in Australia.


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## jupiter13 (Jun 8, 2012)

I am turning 57 next month and as with last year expecting he will buy me more jewelry. I must have the most expensive collection now. I am running on nervous energy all the time. Responsibilities, responsibility after responsibility is what keeps me going one day to the next. Plus I have two dogs of our own, working with another dog that has been abused very badly and a fourth little guy that I think is ready for his forever home even though without him I don't know if I can let him go he is my shadow. The grand kids homework and school then dealing with all the problems of their mother and father who are once again back in court. It is always someone else problems to deal with.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Robsia said:


> Before D-day I had just started a new diet. For some reason I've found it easy to stick to that. I think controlling what I eat, and my exercise is about the only thing I can control in my life when everything else has exploded into a zillion pieces. Also the small pleasure of seeing my weight go down gives me something to look forward to when everything else has gone to sh!t.


This describes me perfectly and I fear I am headed toward disaster even in this area of my life. My inability to eat and increased exercise routine to help me release stress has only sped up my weight loss I was already experiencing. As you say, my weight has been the only thing I felt I have had control of. It made me feel good, especially buying smaller and smaller clothing. The problem is I am reaching my iffy zone. I worry about becoming too skinny. Today my cousin mentioned I look like I have lost weight since she saw me 2 weeks ago. OUCH! Is it that noticeable? I have cut back on exercise drastically and I am still losing. I have no desire to cook and cooking was a daily thing for me. As a result, my eating habits have suffered. 

Not sure if it is rapid weight loss or the stress or both, but my face looks so tired and aged. I am sure the gazillion tears I have shed have been h3ll on my skin. I have wrinkles now. 

My dreams are chaotic and I don't sleep well. I don't remember the last time I had more than 6 hours of sleep at night. Definitely before October. 

I have lost focus and motivation. I used to keep a spotless house. Now, I look around and see things that need to be done. My mind says get up and do those things. I just don't have the drive to go do it.


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## Vanilla Tree (Mar 10, 2013)

I feel tired and overwhelmed all the time. Some in part to having a special needs kid but I just can't get a handle on anything anymore. I cannot keep up.

I don't eat. I'm short tempered with the kids and have no wish to socialise with anyone.

My anxiety levels are peaking but I have it together. Honestly from the outside no one would have a clue what is going on as no one knows and I'm not giving it away. 

The anxiety is the worst though. Just awful.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

Horizon said:


> I'm in that boat right now. This all came out a week tomorrow and I reckon I've dropped 2 kilos. However because I had become 25 k overweight my body is better off, my health should be better. I have stopped any snacking and am eating roughly 50-60% of what I used to. It is extraordinary the adrenaline bursts, the whole shift as you say. I haven't said it yet but I will now, in some ways I already feel myself moving past this emotionally already. Yes, I do get pulled back in when that God awful movie runs through my head at the weirdest moments - hanging out the washing this morning for example, but mostly at night in bed when all is quiet and my cheating partner is fast asleep next to me. But the majority of the time I feel neutral and that's far better than the alternative. OK, go on you more experienced people - is this a false dawn?


I'm not that much more experienced, my D-day was five weeks ago tomorrow.

The first two weeks were h3ll. I felt nauseous the entire time. If I experienced any kind of positive emotion - for example when I went to see my daughter compete in a cheerleading show, it would get elbowed out of he way by the misery, as if my own mind would not let me be anything but miserable.

It was on my mind constantly.

Now, 5 weeks on, it's not constant, the sick feeling has gone, but I still get moment of awful anger and hatred, interspersed with some good times.

I'm past the stage of just wishing it hadn't happened. Now I'm in the middle of the "How could you?" stage.

I swing from being hyperactively positive about our chances of making it through, to being sobbingly terrified we won't, to not really caring one way or another.

I think as time goes on, you'll find your feelings will change, but a change for the good isn't necessarily a permanent change. It's not a linear thing; there will be a lot of ups and downs to come.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

I think the best thing I can say to this is "thank God for my children" 

I have suffered all the negatives highlighted in this discussion but the needs of my kids (4 nights with me girl 9 boy 10) have focused me completely. Running around as one does with kids this age has been a god send for me. I'm 57 yrs old so it's not difficult as I have been the primary carer even when my stbxw was here but the alternative is horrendous and I have complete respect and sympathy for the fathers particularly who cannot have their kids when a marriage goes tits up. 

Outside of that anything for me personally has been very very difficult. I will be social more for others than myself with the thought that I should, as it will be better for me than moping around. 
Close friends have been supportive but I tend to want to deal with it all myself.

I am a musician ( teacher performer) and have always found solace and calm in that but not this time actually getting down to hard wok at the instruments have been devoid of motivation personal motivation which was always a mainstay of my life and never in question

Although we are at war legally (she's trying to take the house and my living away and the kids) now being a year out dd and separate I hope I can move onwards 'inside me' if that makes any sense. 

Very very difficult


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

Wow, so much pain, so many similarities...Glad to know I am normal but also scared as hell to know this is normal for what we have been through.

This cannot be the new normal, it just can't. I have to beat this....and will.


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

Robsia said:


> I think as time goes on, you'll find your feelings will change, but a change for the good isn't necessarily a permanent change. It's not a linear thing; *there will be a lot of ups and downs to come*.


:iagree:


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Lanie, you sound a lot like me. Rapid weight loss that left me looking like a chemo patient and caused people to question my health. I used to love to read, but after DDay 1 I couldn't get through a book or even a TV show. A first, there was lots of nervous energy, but it went away and left me feeling dead. My sleep was poor with lots of nightmares about infidelity. I couldn't recall words, finish thoughts, remember numbers. One morning a while ago I couldn't get into my office because I couldn't remember the alarm code I've used for 6 years. I just sat in my car and cried for nearly an hour until I remembered that my boss uses his wife's cell phone number for his alarm code and that I had her number in my phone too. I truly, truly, thought I was losing my mind. 

I'm nearly 3 years out from DDay 1. But, only 6 months out from discovering that H's EA with OW#1 also coincided with a sexting affair with OW#2 and a PA with OW#3. Interestingly, I'm much better off, physically and emotionally, than I was after finding out about the EA. I simply don't have the energy to be as devastated anymore as I was the first time around. My mind has forced me to let go rather than deal with the devastation in so drastic a manner as before. It's like finding my husband was a serial cheater flipped some switch inside me that made me care way less about everything than I did before. 

However, I still sometimes struggle with focusing for long periods of time. I no longer have a passion for cooking, gardening, reading, or films I once enjoyed. The housework, laundry, and other chores get done, or not, on a much more relaxed schedule. I'm tired a lot of the time. I still have mind movies and nightmares. I avoid the company of others way more than I should. I have no sex drive. Following two public episodes of fainting, I've been tested for everything under the sun by my neurologist and cardiologist who found much of nothing other than a very rapid heart rate and very high blood pressure. So, I'm on beta blockers at age 36. I also have to color my hair now, as I've gone quite gray (a bit of a trick for a natural blonde). Oh, and I'm a little bitter and terribly, terribly, jaded.


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

Wow. Just wow. All of it. Evidently I'm "normal". 

Dday was June 2nd for me. Between the FEAR (not just anxiety) that I constantly felt until I was able to confirm NC, the assault on my immune system (work emergency department and now I catch EVeRYTHING) I have exhausted all my sick leave after saving it nearly 16 years. 

I do not practice and no longer teach yoga because it stresses me out. I was attending an advanced seminar on Dday. I did continue to teach for the first couple months but had to stop, as I had lost so much weight so rapidly that I nearly passed out teaching a class, and according to old phone records they used to use the times I taught to phone eachother, so my mind was constantly elsewhere during my classes anyway. 

Even now that we are in R, when I "catch" myself thinking about something other than A-related issues, it surprises me. I think the longest period of time was when we were on our cruise in January and were together 24/7. I think I may have gone about 3 hours or so. 

Lost my spark. One of my nursing assistant's husband also works for our hospital in housekeeping and the pair of them sort of adopted me (I'm 46, they are late 60's). I hadn't mentioned what I had been going through but Mr B came in one afternoon and said to me, "Child somethin' in your eyes has died". Very observant Cajun. 

I'm only just now beginning to have any energy at all. I have custody of my three-year-old grandson and simply couldn't even get the energy to play. 

Again, the weight loss. I think I have finally stopped losing. Now a size 4 mostly. Only thing keeping me from being a 2 is I have managed to keep some junk in the trunk (at least all those years of yoga weren't wasted). I am too thin for my frame but thanks to good genes in a couple key places, I don't look like a stick figure. 

I never stop watching. Never. Even though our kids are out, the boys still keep their toys (boats,motorcycles) in our barn. They and their countless friends are always going to the barn to work on things. My mother-in-law's cottage is halfway between the house and the barn. The OW was originally introduced to my H when she came with my SIL to visit and my H was working on something at the barn. Yeah. I watch. 

I look back at who i was before my life was turned inside-out and shaken and think, "who IS that? She seems familiar to me but I just can't place her"


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

LanieB said:


> Two weeks ago a TUBE OF CHAPSTICK nearly gave me a heart attack. Ridiculous, right? Well, it wasn't just any ol' tube of chapstick. It's a momento from the other woman. It's personalized with the name of her company and her freakin' cell phone number!! Like I haven't seen that number enough times in my life. And he's keeping it in our bathroom in one of his drawers. Right under my nose. Wonder what he'll think if he ever goes to use it? I've replaced the lip balm with Ben Gay. (Passive-aggressive much, Lanie??)
> 
> 
> 
> :rofl:


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

I haven't been sleeping well some nights, not keeping house well, not exercising frequently. My energy and motivation are not what they were pre-D-Day 2 months ago. 

I think a lot of what we're experiencing is a normal grief reaction. We've experienced a lot of loss, some of us more than others, and it can vary depending on our circumstances. 

For most of us who post here, this is the first time infidelity came crashing into our lives, and it shakes the very foundation of our world. We lost the faith that we had in our spouses, the belief that our spouse was the one person we could always count on. That's huge. We will never be the same, and we have to adapt to a new reality. Some of us may be able to rebuild some degree of trust, but it will never be absolute again. That's gone forever.

Whenever there's a major loss - and it doesn't have to be an actual death - people grieve. It can take a long time to get back on your feet again, and in the early phases of the grieving process, people are just not themselves. And it's normal.


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## Will Overcome (Apr 1, 2013)

Since I have discovered that my wife was having an EA (D-day was Near the end of February, 2013).

The first few weeks I had an overwhelming feeling of grief, similar to the grief I felt when my grandfather and grandmother died.

I couldn't focus at all on work, and just phoned it in, and did my best to just get by. I still have very little motivation at work, and I find it very difficult to focus on doing my job. It is very difficult for me to put on a smile and pretend that everything is a-ok when I am at work, so I do my best to just hide in my cube, and try to avoid interacting with any of my co-workers.

I changed my diet dramatically (am closely watching/counting my calories every single day), and I now exercise daily. I am 5' 9", and weighed around 205lbs before d-day, but I have since lost 10 lbs. My goal weight is 180lbs. I guess I use the exercise as an outlet for my anger. And it is about the only thing I feel like I have some control over at this point in my life.

I am no longer able to truly enjoy any of my hobbies, and haven't spent much time at all on any of the things I enjoyed doing pre d-day.

I don't really have any friends or family members that I feel I can talk to about what has happened, and share what I am going through, and that has been tough for me. My wife and I are seeing a marriage counselor together, and it helps me a little bit, but I am beginning to think that maybe I need some one on one counseling as well...

I have good days and bad days, and once in a while, a trigger makes me upset. For example, I went into the closet the other day to get a shirt, and I saw my wife's wedding dress hanging there. This caused me to fall to the floor and cry like a baby.

My little Dog (let's call him Buddy) is about the only thing that has been keeping me from going over the cliff. He is very special to me, and I have such a close bond with him, and I love him to death. I'm not sure what I would have done without him through these trying times. He is the only thing I currently have left in this world that I feel like I can trust 100% and unconditionally. So thank God for my little buddy.

I have had bad dreams almost every night since d-day. Some dreams have caused me to wake up crying. Prior to d-day, I never really had any bad dreams.

When I have really bad days, I feel like I am overcome by fear, anger, dread, grief and hopelessness.

I am just doing my best to take things one hour at a time. And just trying to get through each week so we can get to our next marriage counseling session.

I remain hopeful that things will get better with time, as hope is about all I have at this point.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

We are grieving AND we have posttraumatic stress reactions (all our triggers). 

So, other than that, what excuse do we have for acting so STRANGE???


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Oh, I also forgot that I can now no longer enjoy a glass of wine or a c*cktail. Now that I have a heart condition and an issue with syncope, I don't drink at all. My pulse speeds up with alcohol consumption and my cardiologist is afraid I might "over-rev and blow the engine." He's a car guy. 

A part of me is also worried that my tendency to be weepy, chatty, and overly honest when tipsy might result in an extreme failure to be ladylike regarding my husband's true nature at a public gathering. I don't care that people know he's a serial cheater (apparently I was among the last to find out anyway), but showing my @ss about it in public would embarrass me, my son and my family. Best to not drink. But I do miss a nice glass of wine now and then.


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## jaded0731 (Mar 23, 2013)

I had a baby 6 months prior to my D-day. People have commented to me "Wow, you lost your baby weight so fast!" Sometimes I want to say "Yes, it's the 'My H had an affair diet'". 

I signed up to run a half-marathon in May, so I have been training for that. It is a good distraction, and something to keep me healthy (although I have always been pretty active). 

I have found that I have no motivation for other hobbies I had such as re-purposing furniture, etc. I just can't bring myself to tackle any project like that.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

jaded0731 said:


> I had a baby 6 months prior to my D-day. People have commented to me "Wow, you lost your baby weight so fast!" Sometimes I want to say "Yes, it's the 'My H had an affair diet'".


Oh, I have actually used that one.

You want to lose ten pounds in two weeks? Get your husband to fvck someone else - works like a charm!


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

I was born happy. I had tough teen years, insanely hard 20's and through it all I kept positive. Since my guy cheated, I am depressed and scattered. I think about it every 5 minutes of the day. 2 years ago at 32 people mistook me for 23. Now...I actually look older. The dark circles under my eyes tell a sad story. 

It has drained me. He has no idea what it is like to be in my head. Cheaters suck the life out of their BS.


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## Hurt&confused92 (Apr 6, 2013)

John2012 said:


> Since Dday, I met with a car accident, I got a speeding ticket. Financially completely messed up. Health deteriorated but by joining GYM, I'm back to shape.
> 
> Mentally I'm very weak. I don't know how I'm holding a Job. My focus is completely screwed up. I don't talk to anyone, nobody is there to listen either.
> 
> ...


John2012, this is me too. I dont have the energy to cook, clean or work. I am a great BSer at work or I would have lost my job months ago. I did tell my manager about this so he knows at least but it's wearing on me. I too feel like years are gone from my life and I am reminded daily of how much it sucks with my visions and self pity. Wish I was in a better place but the reality of it is I am not.


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## Hurt&confused92 (Apr 6, 2013)

Robsia said:


> Oh, I have actually used that one.
> 
> You want to lose ten pounds in two weeks? Get your husband to fvck someone else - works like a charm!


Oh I wish this was me....I eat when I am sad and so I really look bad now. Someone just take this horse out to pasture and shoot me now. Oh wait...not yet..she has small kids to rob her more of her youth and energy.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

Hurt&confused92 said:


> Oh I wish this was me....I eat when I am sad and so I really look bad now. Someone just take this horse out to pasture and shoot me now. Oh wait...not yet..she has small kids to rob her more of her youth and energy.


That's me usually. I always used to eat when stressed. This is the only thing in my life that has ever taken away my appetite. It's the only plus.


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

I must be in the minority. 

The first 2 weeks were brutal, but afterwards, I think it was around 4 AM something in me clicked. (maybe week 3?)

I feel like I had been asleep for years, and suddenly someone dumped a bucket of ice water on me. 

I had no drive since my early 20s (im 32 now). I kept the world at bay. I didn't take care of myself physically. My motor was slow. I put everyone else first. 

In short, I was IN the world but not PART of it. 

Now? I've lost tons of weight, I have a plan to reassemble my life. I can say "no" now. 

What changed for me is I stopped being a doormat. I stopped taking *myself* for granted.

I always wondered "what happened to the fire of my teens and early 20s?" and the answer I think is it was just turned off. I had the things I wanted in life so I stopped working. 



I saw sometime during those first couple weeks. This is an opportunity to rebuild my life the way *I* want it. How many people get a free pass to do that? How many people stick around in miserable lives and marriages? 

Her cheating taught me that life can change, it does change. I can't control the world but I can control me, and I have all the tools to build the kind of life I want. I always have, I just forgot about it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

John2012 said:


> B1 has posted this question in Reconciliation thread but I think this topic needs special attention and contribution from members.
> 
> Originally Posted by B1
> For BS's out there...
> ...


I was ill with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome at that time so I'm not certain how much the affair impacted on me. Maybe it made the CFS worse? Could well have done.


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> I was born happy. I had tough teen years, insanely hard 20's and through it all I kept positive. Since my guy cheated, I am depressed and scattered. I think about it every 5 minutes of the day. 2 years ago at 32 people mistook me for 23. Now...I actually look older. The dark circles under my eyes tell a sad story.
> 
> It has drained me. He has no idea what it is like to be in my head. Cheaters suck the life out of their BS.


:iagree:

That's EXACTLY how I feel. The betrayal has sucked the life out of me. I'm not sure what my essence even is anymore. Often it feels like there is nothing left.

Do you think this thread should be required reading for a WS?


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## freedom7 (Jul 13, 2012)

I also procrastinate a lot, now.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

I'm 11 months from dday. 
* I need anti-anxiety and sleep meds.
* I look forward to going to work more than ever, distracts me.
* Going to sleep is the best part of my day. Escape.
* Small problems don't bother me as much as in the past.
* I have to exercise every day, lost a lot of weight, appetite diminished
* No desire to read books like I used to, or watch more than a few minutes of T.V. a day.
* Waves of sadness hit me out of nowhere.
* I was drinking more than I should have been, now I've even lost interest in that (good thing).


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

awake1 said:


> I must be in the minority.
> 
> The first 2 weeks were brutal, but afterwards, I think it was around 4 AM something in me clicked. (maybe week 3?)
> 
> ...


awake1, I'm sure lot of BS are changing their life-style and working on their control/boundary/consequence issues. I'm changing a lot but rebuilding life after A is not an easy task. Lot of trigger and missing the drive is major bottleneck for many BS. 

Looks like you're doing very well !!!


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

I am by nature a happy person and usually pretty organized/driven and usually one to find humour in any situation.

My stbxw's affair as well as the marital problems (i.e. my suspicions before Dday1 and during false R and post separation/DDay2) have completely dominated my life for probably the past 3 years. As a result, I am less effective at pretty much any other task. Note - I am much better than I was (say 6 months ago) - but definitely not the same person. Not as happy, not as funny, not as motivated to complete any task. In fact, there is an underlying sadness even as I enter into a new relationship. It even affects how I deal with my children. I try my best to be the same father I always was - but not nearly as effortless. Eg - If my teenage daughter does something and lies about it (eg - she got drunk last week at a party) I have a hard time NOT projecting my wife when I am dealing with her typical teen behaviour. I am a lot "angrier" than I used to be.

With time - hopefully I will get back to something like I was - but it will take time. Some people have said 2 - 3 years before you feel normal. I'm definitely not there yet.


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## mg2977 (Mar 20, 2013)

Since my H's affair really came to light in November, I have lost 20 lbs and was always very thin, but now like some of the other posters, I look sickly (the veins in my arms protrude). And the dark circles under my eyes, I believe are now permanent. 

I have not been able to watch TV since November, my anxiety level is through the roof (need to get on meds), barely hanging on at work most days, cannot concentrate on anything, cannot even deal with conversing about even mundane things with people, hide from my co-workers bc I do not want to have to talk with them, household chores have been put on the back burner ( I previously had a spotless house), last night was the first time I have cooked since October, either sleep to much or not at all, but am so tired all the time and I am constantly on edge about everything. I cannot seem to even muster the energy to care about anything, which is so unlike me as I always had a million projects going on and was a problem solver. 

Oh and I too have used the "my H had an affair diet", except I call it the "Infidelity Diet", because people in my life (including my H ) have commented on how I am "too thin".

Oh and forget hobbies, I barely have the motivation to empty the dishwasher!

I feel like I have lived a lifetime in the last 6-9 months and I swear I do not even know how I get out of bed in the morning.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

_Since my H's affair really came to light in November, I have lost 20 lbs and was always very thin, but now like some of the other posters, I look sickly (the veins in my arms protrude). And the dark circles under my eyes, I believe are now permanent. 

I have not been able to watch TV since November, my anxiety level is through the roof (need to get on meds), barely hanging on at work most days, cannot concentrate on anything, cannot even deal with conversing about even mundane things with people, hide from my co-workers bc I do not want to have to talk with them, household chores have been put on the back burner ( I previously had a spotless house), last night was the first time I have cooked since October, either sleep to much or not at all, but am so tired all the time and I am constantly on edge about everything. I cannot seem to even muster the energy to care about anything, which is so unlike me as I always had a million projects going on and was a problem solver. 

Oh and I too have used the "my H had an affair diet", except I call it the "Infidelity Diet", because people in my life (including my H ) have commented on how I am "too thin".

Oh and forget hobbies, I barely have the motivation to empty the dishwasher!

I feel like I have lived a lifetime in the last 6-9 months and I swear I do not even know how I get out of bed in the morning._

I read your story, are you still living with your husband? Have you filed yet? Yours is one of the worst accounts I've read on here. I wish you the best.


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

I was so depressed for so many years in a bad marriage, he was the one that cheated. But even after d-day 2 I am starting to feel better. I am slowly starting to feel my self-worth and confidence come back. I'm not sure why but I have a lot more motivation now.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

11 months out from Dday. Just starting to sleep through the night (most nights). Still think about it every day, some days most of the day. High levels of hypertension, inability to concentrate. Considering getting on meds for depression. 

I'm more distrustful, unlikely to give the benefit of the doubt. Looking for the worst in people.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Lost about 60 to 70 LBS since January 2013.. I call it the divorce diet. 

I drag myself through the days hoping the next day will be better. I love and hate my STBXW so I'm in internal conflict constantly. I am dating someone now to forget my Ex. I am happy when I am with her but at work ( like now ) even talking to her I don't care. I just don't have that feeling I did for my wife. Basically excited to talk to her or much more happy to talk to her. But again when I am with her I am fine.

I notice I have little care for someone else's problems. I am aware its a psychological problem caused by my STBXW. I am aware that this women would probably be gold if I was normal and just don't see it right now.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

^Hmm - maybe too soon to start dating. Not really fair on this woman if you don't really care about her.


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## mg2977 (Mar 20, 2013)

maincourse99,

I do not want to hijack a thread, but yes still living together, I actually filed for D in November (served H subpoenaed OW and his work records all during his morning sales meeting) and thank you for your kind words.

I actually just posted an update to my situation under "Cannot Believe He Is Cheating w/ Coworker and I am Struggling"

(sorry did not know how to post a link).

Anyway it is amazing how one's world is really ripped apart by the selfishness of a cheater!


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