# "Just Friends"



## rn1096 (May 18, 2012)

I've been lurking for a bit, and thought I'd tell my story and see what everyone's opinions are (and see if I'm crazy).

A little background first. My husband and I have been married for 19 years next month, dated for 4 before that during high school. Married right out of high school and had 4 children who are now 16, 15, 13 and 11. We did have a rough period where we separated (my doing) for about 6 months. I had gotten my RN degree, he had texted a woman from work several times (never more than texting this I know for sure) and I flew the coop. We reconciled and I thought everything was great. That's the Cliff Note version. 

Fast Forward 7 years: I get the phone bill for last month and see that the amount of his texting went up from 75 texts on average to almost 700. About 600 to one number. A number that I knew and was never comfortable with, but always brushed it aside because it's his 3rd cousin that he works with. But come on!!! 600, in one month!! So, I confronted him and I got the "We're really good friends, she's going through a rough time with her teenage son, blah, blah, blah." To which I said, "You are NOT her therapist, you are NOT her husband (she's married and you are NOT her Baby Daddy" 

I analyzed the texts and he initiated a bunch. First thing in the morning. As soon as he got off work (did I mention they work together in a Prison. . . did I mention he is her LT??) They texted all day on several occasions. About what? Who knows? He said he got carried away and didn't realize he was texting so much. I said, "You didn't realize you were getting blisters on your fingers???" WTF??

So, we talked, I laid down ground rules. They really don't have anything in common outside of work. He has 4 amazing kids. She has f***ed up kids that have been in jail. She whines about her job/marriage/back/life ect. His life is great. We have went to Jamaica, Vegas and TN all this year. Again I say. . .WTF?? No complaints in our sex life. No complaints in money areas. I just don't get it!! I have a great job. I'm just at a loss. 

Anyway, she texted him today to call as soon as he got up and lo and behold. . . he did. Then I talked him into taking my car to work (so I would have access to his phone, that's how I saw what she text) and I saw that he parked next to her so they could walk in. I know HE parked next to HER because he's in my car. She doesn't know my car. 

Please. . . someone tell me I'm not crazy for being suspicious. I keep getting "we're friends" or "we're 3rd cousins". I don't give a **** about that. They can legally get married. 

UGH!!!!

Sorry for being so long winded.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The fact that he does not take your feelings into consideration is of great concern. He's having an emoinal affair at the very least.

Does he only use his cell to communicate with her? Or does he also use a computer?

You might want to put a VAR (voice activated recorder) in his car and see what you pick up. He might be talking with her on the cell or be in the car with her.

YOu can attach it some place like under the front seat with some strong velcro so it does not slide around in the car.

There are also some folks here who know how to down load cell texts even if the have been deleted from a cell.. depending on the brand.

You need some hard evidence of what is going on. Then you need to put an end to the affair. The quickest way to do that is to tell her husband, presenting him with the evidence. She will be too busy trying to save her marriage.


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## rn1096 (May 18, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> The fact that he does not take your feelings into consideration is of great concern. He's having an emoinal affair at the very least.
> 
> Does he only use his cell to communicate with her? Or does he also use a computer?
> 
> ...


Thanks!! He is totally having an emotional affair and I told him that. She knows that I'm upset about it, yet yesterday, she sent a text that just said "Hi". Really? He didn't reply to that at least, but he did call her as soon as she sent that text today. At least he cooled it off for about 1.5 weeks after I confronted him with bill. 
The one thing going for me is that whenever he goes anywhere from home, our 16 year old goes so that he can drive. But I do need to get a VAR installed. 
Yeah, it is only his cell phone that he uses. He really doesn't use the computer that much. I have access to his Facebook/email. He only gets on there to play games. 

I am just sick. Up until almost 2 weeks ago I had NO indication that anything was wrong. Now I feel like I've been punched in the stomach. I hate what this has turned me into. We have Iphones and I tried getting his deleted texts tonight (he hasn't synced his phone in months) but failed. 

I did threaten him and I told him that IF I find out that this continues or is more than "just friends" I will bring SO much humiliation down upon his head that he will have to pack his bags and move from the country. This isn't some random skank b**ch. This is his 3rd cousin and he is her supervisor. His life will be over!!

Finding these message boards has been the best thing ever for me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So how do you plan to bring humiliation down on him?

If he ended this affair, would you want to reconcile?

Do the two of you work opposite shifts... I'm wondering about how much time you two spend together weekly.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

rn1096 said:


> I've been lurking for a bit, and thought I'd tell my story and see what everyone's opinions are (and see if I'm crazy).
> 
> A little background first. My husband and I have been married for 19 years next month, dated for 4 before that during high school. Married right out of high school and had 4 children who are now 16, 15, 13 and 11. We did have a rough period where we separated (my doing) for about 6 months. I had gotten my RN degree, he had texted a woman from work several times (never more than texting this I know for sure) and I flew the coop. We reconciled and I thought everything was great. That's the Cliff Note version.
> 
> ...


Your situation is so much like my own. My H had an A with a co-worker /corrections officer. Same time married, and the rest. The difference is that I had no warning at all; didn't even know she worked with him; never heard her mentioned. Your H very likely is having an Emotional Affair at the very least. You are not wrong. Cheaters are liars and you will need hard evidence via VAR, phone records, email, and possibly a PI, if it fits your budget. Go dark until you have what you need, otherwise he will just gas light you. Affairs are not about the BS, they are more about what is going on with the DS's ego, and having the opportunity presented to "feel wanted and needed" and "looked up to " and all the other affair speak myths that cheaters use to rationalize their behavior. They rewrite the history of the marriage to convince themselves that they have been deprived of what they think the AP is offering. I am so sorry that this is happening to you, Hugs.


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## rn1096 (May 18, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> So how do you plan to bring humiliation down on him?
> 
> If he ended this affair, would you want to reconcile?
> 
> Do the two of you work opposite shifts... I'm wondering about how much time you two spend together weekly.


He is well known in our little town. He goes to church (I don't so I'm the "bad one) He is highly ranked at work. I have a big mouth. Like I said, this isn't some random girl. . . this is family. While we live in a small town, they (the people in the town) won't look so highly upon someone messing around with his 3rd cousin. 

If he agreed to stop talking to her, I would totally want to reconcile, but it would have to be NO CONTACT outside of work. And I would be even happier if one of them got a different position at work. 

We do work opposite shifts. He works 7a-3pish Mon-Fri. I work 7p-7a 3 nights a week. But I make my own schedule and usually have long stretches off. We see each other quite a bit. In a 6 week scheduling period, I only work 2 weekends. He can't use that as an excuse.


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## rn1096 (May 18, 2012)

oaksthorne said:


> Your situation is so much like my own. My H had an A with a co-worker /corrections officer. Same time married, and the rest. The difference is that I had no warning at all; didn't even know she worked with him; never heard her mentioned. Your H very likely is having an Emotional Affair at the very least. You are not wrong. Cheaters are liars and you will need hard evidence via VAR, phone records, email, and possibly a PI, if it fits your budget. Go dark until you have what you need, otherwise he will just gas light you. Affairs are not about the BS, they are more about what is going on with the DS's ego, and having the opportunity presented to "feel wanted and needed" and "looked up to " and all the other affair speak myths that cheaters use to rationalize their behavior. They rewrite the history of the marriage to convince themselves that they have been deprived of what they think the AP is offering. I am so sorry that this is happening to you, Hugs.


Thanks! I'm so sorry you went through this too. This website is really gut wrenching to read. 

I really need to back off and let him hang himself. It's just so hard to do because I'm so hot headed when I find something out. 
I've asked him what he could possibly have in common with her. Everything he has ever said about her, she's complaining about something. I said that she sounds pretty whiny and her life sounds screwed up (to which he agreed)
. 
I also turned the tables. I asked him how he would feel if I was the one with the male friend that I was texting all the time. He said he would be upset. Well. . . DUH!! 

I work 1.5 hours from home. I drive back and forth from work after working 12+ hours just so that I can be home with him. I've bent over backwards for this man. And it's still not enough. He feels the need to play Dr. Phil with some woman and her drama (when he should be thanking his lucky stars for his drama free life. Instead, thanks to her, now he has drama. )


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## SFG (Apr 6, 2012)

rn1096 said:


> Fast Forward 7 years: I get the phone bill for last month and see that the amount of his texting went up from 75 texts on average to almost 700. About 600 to one number. A number that I knew and was never comfortable with, but always brushed it aside because it's his 3rd cousin that he works with. But come on!!! 600, in one month!! So, I confronted him and I got the "We're really good friends, she's going through a rough time with her teenage son, blah, blah, blah." To which I said, "You are NOT her therapist, you are NOT her husband (she's married and you are NOT her Baby Daddy"


Hi RN,

If one of my female cousins (I am male) worked for or with me and we became friendly, I don't see a problem with it. Even if we were texting and talking as much as you say your husband is with his cousin. If she were to need to talk over some issues in her life, I would be there for her. Is this interfering with your time with him? If it's not totally intrusive to your personal time with him, I really don't see why you're concerned. 

I have female cousins who I am VERY close to, and we have gone through periods where we talked daily and either emailed or sent texts to each other as much as or more than your husband is with his cousin. My ex wife never had a problem with those relationships, and she was one of the most jealous and insecure people I've ever known. She also had very close relationships with her male cousins... no big deal.

Maybe you're making a problem where there isn't one?

Just a different perspective... hope it helps.

SFG


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

At the very least it's an emotional affair. I can't remember ever sending 600 texts in one month, and certainly not to a member of the opposite sex that I was just friends with.

Your H needs to realise that he's a married man and that it's inappropriate for him to be having constant communications with another woman - third cousin or not.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

SFG said:


> Hi RN,
> 
> If one of my female cousins (I am male) worked for or with me and we became friendly, I don't see a problem with it. Even if we were texting and talking as much as you say your husband is with his cousin. If she were to need to talk over some issues in her life, I would be there for her. Is this interfering with your time with him? If it's not totally intrusive to your personal time with him, I really don't see why you're concerned.
> 
> ...



They are_ third_ cousins...


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

SFG said:


> Hi RN,
> 
> If one of my female cousins (I am male) worked for or with me and we became friendly, I don't see a problem with it. Even if we were texting and talking as much as you say your husband is with his cousin. If she were to need to talk over some issues in her life, I would be there for her. Is this interfering with your time with him? If it's not totally intrusive to your personal time with him, I really don't see why you're concerned.
> 
> ...


I don't care if he was texting his mother. He's putting someone else before his wife without any concern for her feelings.

And she's your ex because? Would love you hear your story.


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## rn1096 (May 18, 2012)

SFG said:


> Hi RN,
> 
> If one of my female cousins (I am male) worked for or with me and we became friendly, I don't see a problem with it. Even if we were texting and talking as much as you say your husband is with his cousin. If she were to need to talk over some issues in her life, I would be there for her. Is this interfering with your time with him? If it's not totally intrusive to your personal time with him, I really don't see why you're concerned.
> 
> ...


I had thought about that. . . that maybe it was me, but why keep the conversations such a secret? Up until 2 weeks ago, I didn't really have a problem with her. Except when she asked him to pay her mortgage one month. Oh, and the time he sold her my $600 treadmill for $100. 
If they were raised as cousins I would understand that. If they were first cousins I would understand that. But they are neither. They weren't close growing up. The "closeness" just started within the last few years. And they are THIRD cousins. Which legally they could marry. 

And he doesn't refer to her as family, but as a friend. Big difference.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

rn1096 said:


> I had thought about that. . . that maybe it was me, but why keep the conversations such a secret? Up until 2 weeks ago, I didn't really have a problem with her. *Except when she asked him to pay her mortgage one month. Oh, and the time he sold her my $600 treadmill for $100. *
> If they were raised as cousins I would understand that. If they were first cousins I would understand that. But they are neither. They weren't close growing up. The "closeness" just started within the last few years. And they are THIRD cousins. Which legally they could marry.
> 
> And he doesn't refer to her as family, but as a friend. Big difference.


Wow! If it hasn't gone PA already, it will soon. No sane husband would risk the wrath of his wife by giving away her treadmill if he didn't expect some sexual favor in return. :scratchhead:


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## rn1096 (May 18, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Wow! If it hasn't gone PA already, it will soon. No sane husband would risk the wrath of his wife by giving away her treadmill if he didn't expect some sexual favor in return. :scratchhead:


This happened a couple of years ago. So, this "friendship" has been going on for a bit, I was just never as suspicious about it as I am now. He SWEARS we talked about getting rid of it. My mind is like a steel trap and I don't generally forget things. If we did talk about it, I was half asleep. I got a new one shortly afterwards. :smthumbup:


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## SFG (Apr 6, 2012)

Cosmos... I know they are third cousins 
To me, a blood relative is a blood relative, no matter how distant. I could never have anything more than brotherly love for a female relative... so I wouldn't be worried about an affair, either emotional or physical.


Count... you wrote "I don't care if he was texting his mother. He's putting someone else before his wife without any concern for her feelings."
I guess I can see that side of it too, but for me... it would depend how long this constant texting and talking continued. If it calms down soon, no big deal. Nothing wrong with being there for a relative during hard times. If it goes on and on for months and it really takes a toll on the marriage, that's a problem. 

"And she's your ex because? Would love you hear your story. "
HA! It's a looooong story. I'll get to it someday. 

RN... you wrote: "I had thought about that. . . that maybe it was me, but why keep the conversations such a secret? Up until 2 weeks ago, I didn't really have a problem with her. Except when she asked him to pay her mortgage one month. Oh, and the time he sold her my $600 treadmill for $100."

OK... THAT's a big problem. I can see your point now. He is putting her before you and it needs to stop. At this point I'd defer to the other posters' advice. I just wouldn't be thinking EA/PA. 

Sorry for my poor post editing skills... I'll figure this place out eventually.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

SFG said:


> Hi RN,
> 
> If one of my female cousins (I am male) worked for or with me and we became friendly, I don't see a problem with it. Even if we were texting and talking as much as you say your husband is with his cousin. If she were to need to talk over some issues in her life, I would be there for her. Is this interfering with your time with him? If it's not totally intrusive to your personal time with him, I really don't see why you're concerned.
> 
> ...


So what was she so jealous and insecure about if she didn't mind you power texting other women?


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

rn, I'm sorry you're here.

Even though you are asking for advice, you clearly have figured a lot of this out on your own. Yes, he's in an emotional affair. The "third cousins" stuff might be the flimsy mental fig leaf he uses to justify his behavior, but you are right, they are friends (not family) and more importantly, legally they are allowed to marry, whatever SFG was raised to think in his family.

You have already figured out the core of the relationship. You are 100% correct--they don't have much in common, but he gets to play Dr. Phil.

You and I also share other traits. You sound like a "can do" person. You have plenty of backbone. You walked out on your husband before due to his texting with a woman inappropriately. I know you are not making a big deal out of nothing. 

So here is what he gets out of her. He gets to be needed. Someone in this world needs rescuing and he gets to play knight in shining armor. It's actually a powerful motivation to enter into an emotional affair and it's the reason my husband entered into his (and yes they texted and called each other on the cell phone constantly).

You talked about you and your husband 'seeing each other plenty.' I was astonished to read that a number of marriage experts believe that in a healthy marriage, at least 10-15 hours of individual, one-on-one, alone time per week is needed for maintenance, and it's more like 15 to 20 per week in a marriage that is hitting the rocks. I'm sorry I'm not good at math, but can you say that you are able to spend this much time together?

The other thing I had to learn the hard way was that I have a much stronger personality than my husband. I did a lot of controlling and bossing him around. And I neglected to show appreciation for what my husband contributes to our marriage. Do you feel any resentment of him beyond this texting relationship? Do you work harder than he does--and do you let him know it? These are issues that likely would need to come to the table in marriage counseling. However, first things first--the third person in your marriage has to go.

What concerns me isn't the texting. It sounds like he has plenty of opportunity for face-to-face contact. The Dr. Phil we're just friends is a recipe for infatuation ('falling in love') that is very powerful, do not underestimate this.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

did you sync his phone to retry the text retrieval?


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

600 msgs a month with another GUY would be an issue; don't care who it is, unless those 600 msgs are to you, the wife, this is a problem.


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## SFG (Apr 6, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> So what was she so jealous and insecure about if she didn't mind you power texting other women?


The texting and phone calls were out in the open and never a secret. My ex-wife was involved in those relationships as well. There was nothing to be jealous over. I wouldn't refer to it as "power texting other women" 

I don't want to hijack RN's thread with stories about my ex- wife... I'll be back soon and post a new thread if you're actually interested.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

rn1096 said:


> I really need to back off and let him hang himself.


As a different perspective fwiw, I completely disagree with this.

I feel strongly that IF there's a path being taken -- which there clearly is -- and there is a chance that through you FIGHTING for your marriage, you can help correct the steering into an accident about to happen (if it already hasn't), then you should be jumping all over it.

I think making it clear that you are asking him to make a choice -- his 3rd cousing/friend/woman-in-need-of-therapy, OR your marriage -- and being calm, real, even loving about it as a choice HE is making, because YOU are there, willing to work on your marriage IF he is, too is the way to go.

Why wait to let it go further when you may be able to prevent it in the first place? Clearly being "hotheaded" isn't working to 'control' him the way you want, but it's also clear he doesn't see it for the train wreck it is about to become, nor recognize the consequences of where he is headed, innocent or not. he is at the very least causing mistrust in your otherwise-good marriage. TELL HIM THAT, and decide together to work at it -- or not. THEN you will know where you stand, and what subsequent actions you may need to take.

I wish to heaven I'd been able to see something happening and been able to act beforehand...


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

SFG said:


> The texting and phone calls were out in the open and never a secret. My ex-wife was involved in those relationships as well. There was nothing to be jealous over. I wouldn't refer to it as "power texting other women"
> 
> I don't want to hijack RN's thread with stories about my ex- wife... *I'll be back soon and post a new thread if you're actually interested*.


that would be interesting since the general consensus here is that numerous texts to another person by someone in an exclusive relationship is deemed a red flag to the relationship.

Under what circumstances would that be incorrect?


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

2xloser said:


> I wish to heaven I'd been able to see something happening and been able to act beforehand...


:iagree:

just reading those words makes my eyes well up


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## rn1096 (May 18, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> rn, I'm sorry you're here.
> 
> Even though you are asking for advice, you clearly have figured a lot of this out on your own. Yes, he's in an emotional affair. The "third cousins" stuff might be the flimsy mental fig leaf he uses to justify his behavior, but you are right, they are friends (not family) and more importantly, legally they are allowed to marry, whatever SFG was raised to think in his family.
> 
> ...


I am quoting your entire post because it was SO good and smacked me in the face! But in a good way. 

What you said about WHY he texts/talks ect to her is SO true. He is her Knight in Shining Armor. Her life is full of drama and she runs to him to cry on his shoulder. I know this because he would tell me about all of her problems. When I say that we have a good life, we really do. Maybe too good? I can't remember the last argument we had (until now). We just got back from a trip to Vegas with some friends. At least he didn't text her while we were there. :smthumbup:

I think part of the problem is while I'm not controlling or bossy, I do make quite a bit more money than he does. I pay for our vacations. I pay for his truck. I don't see it as my money vs. his money. But I know that some men have a problem if the wife makes more than them. But he does okay. And I don't shove it in his face. 

We get plenty of alone time. We make a point to go on "dates" without the kids. We go on vacations without the kids ie. Vegas, Jamaica, ect. We also do lots of family things. I guess THAT'S why it was like a smack in my face. 

But, I am very independent. I've had to be. My mom died when I was 9. My dad remarried and I was shoved aside. Not that I neglected. I had what I needed, just not emotionally. So, I learned to depend on myself. And I guess I still do that. It's something I need to work on, which is difficult when I'm 37 years old. lol But if it helps save my marriage, I'll do anything.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

RN you sound VERY "on top" of this whole situation and if you act now, vs waiting for him to "hang himself" I feel like your marriage will be just fine. It would be hard, for any person, to not accidentally appreciate being a knight and shinning armor and help someone in turmoil. Unfortunately, with technology and times, it's SO easy to cross the boundaries that as a married person we should have. It can happen without realizing it.

Best of luck. Oh and I'm not giving him excuses, I'm just saying IMO don't wait. Maybe even, for your own self assurance, do the VAR and copy his texts and who knows you might be reassured that nothing is happening??? Who knows????

As you said, reading TAM is gut wrenching, but stories like yours are nice to read too because it's early on and it's savable and there are SO MANY people on here with great advice that you can continue a happy and healthy marriage. Yay!


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## rn1096 (May 18, 2012)

2xloser said:


> As a different perspective fwiw, I completely disagree with this.
> 
> I feel strongly that IF there's a path being taken -- which there clearly is -- and there is a chance that through you FIGHTING for your marriage, you can help correct the steering into an accident about to happen (if it already hasn't), then you should be jumping all over it.
> 
> ...


You are SO right. I'm not one to sit back and "let things happen". It's not in my nature. If I do that at work, people die. If I do that at home, my marriage will die. 

So, when he got home last night we talked. I was calm. I told him that it might all be innocent, but it inappropriate. And it makes me uncomfortable. And she's creating drama in our otherwise drama free life. And he agreed. He told her no more texts, no more calls unless absolutely necessary for work. Unfortunately, I do have to give him that since he is her Supervisor (for now, she gets moved around all the time. . . hmmm???). 
So, we'll see how this goes. Luckily, the phones are in my name, so I have access to the records. And I have access to his Facebook and emails (not that he really uses any of those.) I just hate that I've become this obsessive compulsive person that checks things that I've never checked before.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

It sounds like you feel your marriage is good. What you are seeing is how his relationship with her is turning into a compulsion--something that he increasingly may hide from you and can't stop even when you ask him nicely. Those are the red flags that the relationship has taken a turn from friendly to inappropriate.

Are you able to read past texts between them? This may help give you a 'flavor' of where the relationship is precisely, what lines have or have not been crossed.

The reason this is important is there are so many things you can do and many people on this forum have found them helpful. However, they are primarily helpful where there isn't a 3rd person involved. You could take a stab at improving things between the two of you, but be forewarned that these won't work if he is too into her, and it is entirely possible that he has already crossed that line into infatuation. (Infatuation has certain compulsive / addictive / escapist / drug-like qualities--it is a pretty powerful human emotion.)

Anyhow, you need to get some books:
Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass
Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud & Townsend
His Needs / Her Needs by Dr. Harley
Love Busters by Dr. Harley
The 5 Love Languages

I would get on the Marriage Builders webite and print off the free Love Busters and His Needs / Her Needs questionnaires. Also go to the 5 Love Languages website and have you and your husband take that test as well. I recommend doing this right off the bat because it's free, easy, and will give you a jump start on improving things between you.

The idea behind the 5 Love Languages is that you may not be expressing love to your partner in a way that they perceive as love. Everyone is different and many people show others love the way they'd prefer to receive it.

But after that, I'd read the books in the order mentioned above, because you are needing to stop this emotional affair in its tracks FIRST, then mutually agreeing on boundaries in marriage, then working on the marriage. IF he isn't in too deep, the HN/HN and LB and 5LL may give you significant improvements--people around here really like these books and I do too.


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## rn1096 (May 18, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> .
> 
> Are you able to read past texts between them? This may help give you a 'flavor' of where the relationship is precisely, what lines have or have not been crossed.
> 
> .


I would LOVE to be able to read past texts. I got his phone last night and they were all deleted except the ones from yesterday. 
There were two from her that said "Hi" and "Call me as soon as you get up" which he did and it was about getting her son (that just got out of jail) a job at the prison they work at. Ironic?? That's when I told him that she doesn't CARE about him because by doing that, he would be putting his job in jeopardy. And why isn't his Dad (her husband) trying to get him a job? Oh, that's right, probably because he doesn't want HIS job in jeopardy. All of which my husband agreed with and he said there is no way in hell he'll help him/her out. 

Anyway, I got his phone and tried to access his past texts through Itunes by backing up his phone, but wasn't able to. 

I will definitely be getting those books that you recommended and I just gave him the 5 Love Languages quiz. Which he rolled his eyes at me. I told him that I asked him what he needed that I wasn't giving him and he said he didn't know. This way I can find out. He is currently taking the quiz. =)


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

The deletion of the texts could be construed as suspicious, OP, but on the other hand, with that volume of texts, it probably became necessary!

I hope your H truly has seen how potentially damaging this sort of thing could be to your marriage, and makes the necessary changes - as promised.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Just be aware that no one loses their job in Affair Land. Deleting all the texts is suspicious, I'm afraid.

Emotional affairs don't operate on logic. They are very insidious because most of the time, at least one of the partners (i.e., your husband) tells themselves they are 'just friends.' The relationship starts exactly as it has in your husband's case--by expressing caring toward someone else. Not love--care.

A question I'd ask him--if he will answer it truthfully--was is she a good listener, too. If you can pry that out of him, then the attraction is basically a 'mutual support system.' The question is--what is he telling her. Is he saying you (the wife) are busy, you don't have time, you don't do X, Y, Z? 

If you were to know what these marital complaints are, they are not necessarily clues as to what he is "missing" in the marriage. In affairs, there is a lot of re-writing of marital history. In order to break marital boundaries, affair partners have to do some lying to themselves about the exact state of their marriage--and that the best way to solve those problems, real or not, is to confide in someone inappropriately, leaving you out of the loop. Then the next stop is learning how to lie to you in order to cover up the relationship.

It is a serious issue that they will likely remain in contact in person. Know that for some EAs, confronting leads the WS to take it underground. He knows you're on to his texting, so he just makes sure not to communicate with her that way.

I hate to sound all cloak-and-dagger, and I hope anyone else reading this thread will read this post in conjunction with the others that I've written. I just want to make sure you know precisely what you may / may not be dealing with.


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## rn1096 (May 18, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> The deletion of the texts could be construed as suspicious, OP, but on the other hand, with that volume of texts, it probably became necessary!
> 
> I hope your H truly has seen how potentially damaging this sort of thing could be to your marriage, and makes the necessary changes - as promised.


I thought that too, but then I noticed he only had my last two texts from yesterday too. And only had one or two texts from the kids. He's just not one to save text messages. But then, I'm not either. If someone was to get into my phone right now, they would only see one text to a coworker. When in reality, texting is my main form of communication. I just don't save them. 

Thanks! I hope he has too. For everyone's sake. 

He took the quiz. We both did. I think we were both surprised with each others answers.


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## rn1096 (May 18, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> A question I'd ask him--if he will answer it truthfully--was is she a good listener, too. If you can pry that out of him, then the attraction is basically a 'mutual support system.' The question is--what is he telling her. Is he saying you (the wife) are busy, you don't have time, you don't do X, Y, Z?


So, I asked him this. I said it's obvious that he was a good listener, a good sounding board, if you will, for her problems. My question is, was a good sounding board for you? 

He said he wouldn't know because 1. he didn't have any problems that he needed to talk about and 2. she had so many problems, even if he DID have some, he wouldn't have been able to voice them. 
Sadly, knowing her, I believe him. I know her drama and she is FULL of drama. Her marriage problems, her back, her money issues, her kids, her job, ect. Nothing in her life is ever good. And he became her shoulder to cry on. 

I pried and said, so there's nothing that you are unhappy about that you felt the need to vent about. I would understand. We all need to vent. He said no. He said he would try to give her advice on how to make things better. For example: On top of everything else, I homeschool. During one of her crying sessions about her kids he said that he told her taking our kids out of public school was the best decision we could have done because our public school stinks. He said it might not be for everyone, but it's worked for us. 

He also said that when she would complain about her husband that he told her that one of the best things I ever did was to plan a vacation with just the two of us. No kids. And that we do this at least once every 6 months. 

:::sigh::: I don't know. . . maybe he really did try to be Dr. Phil and just got carried away. He does have the "Fixer" mentality.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

rn1096 said:


> I thought that too, but then I noticed he only had my last two texts from yesterday too. And only had one or two texts from the kids. He's just not one to save text messages. But then, I'm not either. If someone was to get into my phone right now, they would only see one text to a coworker. When in reality, texting is my main form of communication. I just don't save them.
> 
> Thanks! I hope he has too. For everyone's sake.
> 
> He took the quiz. We both did. I think we were both surprised with each others answers.


I'm the same with texts. Once read, I delete them.

The great thing is that you and your H are communicating, and I really hope there's a good outcome for you both, because it sounds like you have a great marriage.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think your husband is a push over for her. I know her type, everything is drama, the world is against her. She relies upon the "kindness of strangers"

She continues to lean on him and use him because he isn't smart enough to see how she is using him. He's being a white knight to her and putting her before his own family.

He doesn't see that the life she is in, the drama she is living is 100% because of her choices through life. He likely thinks he is being a kind person to her.

The problem with women like her is that they just take take take and push push push boundaries. They also never give back.

I don't recommend it, but if he actually went to live with her - he would quickly find out that it would be an entirely one sided relationship with him constantly working his tail off on her request.


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