# Who is this person I am living with!?



## LeoNyan29 (Nov 14, 2012)

Hello All, I have written another thread in the divorce/seperation forum highlighting what has recently happened in my marriage but unfortunately it has gotten worse and i need some serious help/advice. This is going to be a long post so bear with me.

My husband has had depression problems the past 1-2 years, it hasnt been very serious just him sleeping alot. He has always been able to function at work and even at home. Until about 2 months ago he was still a smiling, loving and generally happy guy. He is Japanese btw, I am american and we live in Tokyo. 

Then I went on a vacation to America to visit my family in August and when i got back it was like a switch was thrown. He suddenly became a totally different person. He started accusing me of being selfish, of not caring about his feelings, blaming me for a variety of things outside of my control and blamed me for essentially hurting his self esteem. I thought, okay maybe he was mad I went to visit my family and had a good time while he was here working. We skyped each other every night and said that we loved and missed each other while I was away so I thought he was doing fine.

two weeks after having come home we had a small fight, it was really nothing serious. There is a new attraction near our home, the Tokyo Sky Tree, so we went to see it but it was so busy there was no way we could go see it, so I asked him to take me home so we could have lunch. I was pretty mad we couldnt go see the sky tree but with a 4 hour wait i thought it was crazy to wait in line that long. Suddenly he clammed up and looked mad. We got home and he grabbed a few things and marched straight back out the door. I couldnt understand why he was so angry but when he came back he suddenly unloaded a whole lot of hurtful things on to me.

He said he no longer loved me, he wanted me to go back to america, he hates that i am grumpy all the time, I am selfish, I dont care about him, we should never have been married, ect. He said so much stuff that I had never known about and really had no idea he felt that way. He also said he wanted a divorce and nothing would change his mind.

A few days passed and he said he feeling had not changed so I called his family and mine and told them what had happened. 

Unfortunately, him and I work at the same company and we see each other everyday. I was so depressed over what he said I called my boss and asked for some time off. My husband found out and accused me of trying to hurt his reputation! He further stated that I was so selfish and only thought of myself. Of course that is not what I was trying to do! I was trying to take a time out so I could handle my own feelings. I teach English here and I need to be smiling and happy for my students.

Further more he accused me of trying to ruin his relationship with his family. I did not say anything to them other than " we are fighting and he says he does not love me anymore. I am very sorry for this."

So I took my time off and hung out with close friends and told them also what was going on. I thought for a time that maybe my husband had an affair on me but it seems that is not the case.

Two months later, his depression symptoms have doubled. He has become super angry, critical, sometimes violent (not with me but he will blow up and hit things) he continues to say he does not love me, ect. He blames his depression on me, says that I hurt his self esteem by talking to people about my problems, by being honest with what is going on with my family and friends. Sometimes I facebook people my status but it is never derogatory towards him and is very general. The only time I did facebook something direct I deleted the post right after having posted it due to second thoughts and feeling ashamed that I did it.

I try to keep my cool but its so hard not to cry or get angry when he acts like that.I talk to my friends alot and some close coworkers for advice, I also email my family and call them all the time to update them on my situation.

Last night I found out my husband spied on my emails, this generally is not a problem because I dont keep anything too personal in it however my emails with my mom were there and in it we discussed how to proceed or prevent a divorce, what i need to do to protect myself and what I am entitled to under Japanese law. I also said I thought my husband might be lying to me and he is being childish and immature. Honestly, the emails were not that bad and not outside what would normally be written in a situation like this. However to him this has become a full blown crisis!

He printed out every one of my emails and when i confronted him about it, he said I made everything worse! He said I was supposed to help him, the point of the marriage was me saving him and when I told him that I cant save him from his depression and he needs to go to the doctor he asked what is the point of marriage? I told him marriage isnt about me having his answers, its about working together to solve problems. He cant expect me to be the golden answer for everything!

He also told me he doesnt like pressure, he doesnt like the pressure of marriage. Everytime I confront him about the things he is saying he changes his story or tries to make excuses for it.

I dont make excuses for the things I do. I did NOT apologize for the emails and stated that considering the way he is acting I have the right to protect myself and my family is very worried about me and wants my interests protected. I also know what I do right and wrong in the relationship but everytime i make a move to protect myself, taking time off, talking to people, ect it makes him more and more volatile. He cannot see that he is seriously hurting me and I am trying to keep my mind together so that I dont fall into depression myself. 

admittidly sometimes i do lash out, say mean things or try to avoid him/ignore him so we dont argue with each other but no matter what I do I am made to be the bad guy. I also found out he told his parents lies about me and now they think divorce is the best thing when they dont even know my side of the story. It has gotten totally out of hand! 

He tries to make me feel guilty for the steps I have taken so far and sometimes its easy to blame myself and think I made things worse but I know that I am not 100% to blame for this and I wont let him drag me down. I want to fight for my marriage but I dont know how =( I have questioned weather or not I had problems, like depression, a personality disorder or something because of how crappy and guilty he made me feel over this.

His depression is not professionally diagnosed so it could be that he is flat out lying to me. I am hoping to get him to a hospital to have him checked out. Luckly his brother is also pushing him to go see a doctor. However, if the doctor does not prescribe him some sort of medication of therapy I feel our marriage is doomed.

I keep praying for a miracle but it feels like none is in sight. Yesterday after the email arguement and after he cried for 30 minutes in his fog he called city hall to file for the divorce without even consulting me first. I think he did this on an emotional whim.

I am wondering if I should file for a Non Divorce Appeal (it will stop the process for 6 months) or if at this point i should just let go and let whats going to happen happen.

Thanks for reading this very long post, today we are working with each other again on the job and things are civil but I know when we get home its going to turn into war again. I wish i could seperate from him but I have no where to go in Japan and no money to get my own place. I only get paid once a month for a part time job and my husband only works part time due to his depression.

Any thoughts, advice or suggestions is greatly appriciated. Thanks!


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Thoughs... you are in a very bad situation.

You cannot change him. You cannot make him get the help he needs.

You can only change yourself and change how you interact with him.

Can you move into a seperate room in your home? Do not argue with him anymore. If a conversation starts to go towards an argument just walk away from him and go to a room by yourself, for a walk, anything to get away from him.

Tell him that you will only talk to him when he is being civil, calm, etc.

Do you have Now that he has started the divorce, can you get interim spousal support or part of the assets you will get in settlement? If so you might be able to move out.. even if you get just a small place. At least you will be in peace.


----------



## LeoNyan29 (Nov 14, 2012)

Thanks for the reply. I am sleeping in a separate room and we only interract with each other during meal times, other than that i work a split shift so I go back to work at night for a few hours then come home, eat dinner and sleep.

Today he seemed honky dory with everything even with what transpired the night before and he even asked me to get him breakfast this morning when we went to work. I normally dont mind since i go to get some for myself every morning but he seems to have forgotten what he said last night or if he even did he doesnt care. I have no idea whats wrong with him or why he thinks he can ask me for favors when he told me he wants to live without me. also during the meal he wanted to share a funny youtube video with me. He is so up and down I cant rely on if he is going to be happy today or sad tomorrow.

Is this behavior from depression or is it something else. he has no problem going out to see his friends on the weekends but at home he shuts down and sleeps all day or is in an otherwise rotten mood or trying to pick fights with me.

and you are right, i am trying to take care of myself right now and have sent an inquiry to a counseling center in tokyo for personal therapy.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

A bit more info would help. How long have you two been married and what are you ages?

Do his moods swing a lot from depressed to happy? Your last post has me wondering if he's bi-polar. I have heard of bi-polar people having major mood swings that are years apart.

Another thing that often leads to what look like depression or changes in personality is infidelity. His anger at you also could be an indicator.

YOu say that he went out with friends on the weekend. Do you know who these friends are? Are you sure that's who he was with?

Another consideration since this seems have come on pretty suddenly with no particular event triggering it is a brain tumor. Maybe you should force the issue of him going to a doctor. I've done this with my husband.. made the appointment myself and told him that he has no choice but to go. And then I go with him, even talking to the doctor.

If you need his brother's help talk to the brother and the two of you get him there. Be sure to tell the doctor that over the last year he has experienced a complete change in personality which includes what looks like sever depression.


----------



## LeoNyan29 (Nov 14, 2012)

We are both 29 years old and have been married 3 years. I noticed he really started to act funny right after I got back from my vacation and I thought he maybe was trying to have an affair on me with my friend. I confronted both of them on it and they both deny it. To be fair my friend really isnt attracted to him and she has had no contact with him since I got back so Im sure its not her. However he does have many other female friends. 

I kind of doubt its an affair because he spends all his time sleeping except for the weekends when he goes out, he usually tells me what friends he is going to be with, they are all guys I know and am friends with to or he is with his brother. He is also always broke too. (I work more than him and I know how big or little his pay check is due to us working at the same place)

He insists he isnt and says his self esteem is too crappy to go after other girls, who would want to date a looser like him. (his words not mine)

I have never ever name called my husband or called him a looser so I dont know where he gets this idea.

I know in Japan if a man cannot work full time and support his family its a really big shame, i work more than him and I also have a higher education and sellable skills ( I was an airplane mechanic for Boeing back in the USA) so I think sometimes he compares himself to me.

His brother is pretty sure its depression or some form of it since he spends alot of time with him, its just a matter of getting him into a hospital. I have also suggested to him to get his heart looked at because of some problems with heart palpitations he has had in the past. 

I have suspected Bi polar as well because he cant seem to remember what he says to me in his depression state and when he is happy he acts like nothing is wrong in the world. We have not been intimate with each other since this whole thing began so that is the only reliable thing is his non emotional connection to me anymore.

Thanks again for your reply!


----------



## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

It sounds suspiciously like he might have developed some feelings for someone else & is conflicted.
If you read around on the coping with infidelity boards you will see that an affair is not always physical, at least to start with.
You could try seeking further information, without directly asking him to see if there might be another woman he is talking to, either in person or via cyber means.


----------



## LeoNyan29 (Nov 14, 2012)

Hi Bellavista, I am trying to get more info out of my husband now about an affair but so far he totally denies it. He says he hates that I hurt his pride and he wants a divorce based on the fact that I hurt his feelings somehow.

I have talked to his parents so they know my side of the story so they are both working with me to find a solution. 

I am afraid though no matter what I decide the divorce will be forced on my by their son so I warned them that he has already begun to do so.


----------



## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

My husband has Bipolar type II. Your husband's behavior sounds eerily similar to mine. Especially the self-loathing comments and the crafty way he makes me feel like I'm selfish and uncaring when HE is the one being that way. It's called projection. Then after things get bad, he'll all the sudden act like nothing ever happened and be all nice and attentive. I've been married to him for 19 years, hoping things would get better. They aren't. I started counseling today to try to figure out if I even want to try to save my marriage. I'm really tired of being jerked around emotionally. Don't spend as many years as I have being held hostage emotionally. You deserve better.


----------



## LeoNyan29 (Nov 14, 2012)

Thanks waking up to life for the reply. I am begininng to fear this might be the case with my husband too. Two days ago he went to the psychiatrist and was given two meds. One is an anti anxiety and one is an anti depressant. Im not sure what the procedure for medication is here in japan but neither of them seems like a big name drug. I think they are just relaxants. He has been given a one week perscription and needs to go back next week for blood tests. I am happy that he went but weather or not he will be consistant with his medication or if it will help us is unknown.

He has not talked about divorce since then or tried to fight with me so maybe just going to the clinic was a relief for him. I am in contact with his family now since he found my emails and i have explained everything to them. His mother is worried about my mental health and honestly, i am worried about my mental health becuase it really isnt getting any easier and im finding my moods tend to get darker and darker and a lot of anger is building up in me.


----------



## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Good that he's at least starting to seek help. It may take trying several different meds to find what works for him. If I may give some advice if you intend to try to save your marriage: do your best to limit using your MIL as a shoulder to cry on. The more you discuss your marriage problems with her, the more your H will feel ganged up on and exposed, which will only make him more angry and resentful. Get counseling for yourself even if he won't go. It'll help you understand his behavior and how you can more effectively cope with it, if you choose to do so.

Also, don't let him off the hook about turning your life upside down wanting divorce. He doesn't get to do that, then act like nothing happened and leave you guessing as to what his intentions are. Believe me, I know it's painful to have to bring up the subject of his recently wanting divorce, when it would be easier for both of you to bury your heads in the sand and pretend it didn't happen. But that's emotional manipulation at its finest, and that kind of behavior will without a doubt become a regular pattern in your marriage if you allow it. Face the issues head on. I wish I would've done that years ago.


----------



## LeoNyan29 (Nov 14, 2012)

Thanks again for the advice. We talked about it more last night but it resulted in my crying and leaving the room. When I cry I go to my own room so he doesnt have to look at me. When I did get up he got angry and stated we were still talking but truly the only thing going on was him judging me and throwing around insults.

I told him he cant force a divorce on me so if he is expecting a no fault one its not going to happen.

I am wondering if I should take it a step further and file for a non divorce motion for 6 months. If he finds out he will be furious but it would deifnately shut up the issue for 6 months and let him know im serious.


----------



## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Not to sound harsh, but what in the world makes you want to try to force him to stay in a marriage he clearly doesn't want to be in? Do you think you don't deserve better? Forcing him to hold off for 6 months is like putting an animal in a cage and poking it with a stick. As soon as he can get out, he'll make your life hell making you pay for trapping him. 

Are you hoping you can get him to see reason in 6 months, or that maybe his medicine will kick in and he'll be all better? It sounds like he needs medication, that's for sure. But even that isn't going to be a magic cure. The underlying issues will still be there. Unless he is 100% willing to work on the marriage and make changes, get ready for what you just went through a couple of nights ago...lather, rinse, repeat...over and over. Is this really what you want in a marriage? No one deserves to be miserable...him or you.


----------



## LeoNyan29 (Nov 14, 2012)

I guess I am hoping for a miracle at this point but honestly even if I didnt file for the stop i cant go anywhere for a while nor can he afford to send me anywhere other than kick me out of the house. I guess i would just like some security to know he wont do that. I am ia foreign country after all, and alittle far from home. financially i cant just pack up and leave.

Im not sure i really buy the you deserve better/ he deserves better mentality because i think all marriages are plagued with problems. i can jump from marriage to marriage or person to person in hopes that this time will be less a pain in the rear than last time but i doubt it will ever really solve anything so Im going to give it my all for this marriage. Just need to know the do's and dont's with depressed people and how we can stay out of each others hair until one of us is financially set to leave. Or if things miraculously improve...which they probably wont but im still praying.

Im going to wait and see how he reacts to this medicine and if he would be willing to do couples therapy in the future. either way I have to wait.

Waking up to life, considering that you are still(?) with your bi polar husband, maybe i should shoot the questions you asked me back to you? Is your husband on medication or going to therapy of some sort?


----------



## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

I apologize if my comments/questions seem judgmental. That was not my intent. I completely understand the financial aspect of the issue, especially being in a foreign country. And I commend you for being understanding of his condition and wanting to try to save your marriage. Having been through the ups and downs for many years, I just would hate to see you get stuck for so long like I have always hoping it would get better. Definitely do your best to work on your marriage. But don't do it at the expense of your own emotional/mental health. 

In my case, my husband has never wanted or threatened divorce. He's just an unhappy person and is very self-focused when it comes to emotional needs...to the point where my emotional needs are not even a consideration for him. He has been on and off medications (now off, because he thinks it made him gain weight and it 'doesn't do any good anyway'). We've been to therapy, but he quit going when he started feeling like the therapist was "blaming" him for things that he didn't agree with. 

So why am I still with him? I've been so patient and understanding and supportive of him over the years, always thinking my efforts would change things for the better. But I'm "waking up" to the fact that all I've done is neglected my own emotional needs and enabled him to do so as well. Right now I'm seeing a therapist - he doesn't know, because when I told him I wanted to get counseling for myself, he got angry and didn't want me to go. So I'm going secretly for now. Time will tell...


----------



## LeoNyan29 (Nov 14, 2012)

Hi Waking up to life, thanks for explaining everything. I hope seeing a therapist will help you. I scheduled an appointment for myself for this friday to also see one and I managed to convince my husband to see one as well. The catch is that I have to pay for everything so Im working over time to make the money for it since its not covered under Japanese health insurance. It atleast a step in the right direction though and I think we owe it to each other to give it a try. We are going to have individual sessions, not together to start out with until his in comfortable with himself. 

A few days ago he had another emotional breakdown when I handed him back our wedding rings. I told them he can keep them as a momento or if things change with his feelings he can give them back to me. I wrote him a very long love letter apologizing for what I did and told him I will support and pay for his therapy in return. He came into my room crying and saying he was so sorry for how he is treating me.

After watching him go through this I realize the man I have been dealing with for two months is NOT my husband and there truly is something bad going on in his head. When he goes through his cycles its like he has two personalities, one that is very guilty and apologetic and one that is defiant and uncaring. Along with the medication he is taking maybe talking to a psychiatrist will help him sort his feelings out.

In the meantime I am making plans for myself and slowly dredging through this.


----------



## LeoNyan29 (Nov 14, 2012)

First and foremost i want to thank everyone who replied to my OP and i wanted to update my situation.

I went to the therapist for the first time last friday. I was a bit nervous at first but i liked the guy and felt he was friendly and honest so i dont mind to go back for a second session. He gave me some good advice with my husband too and how to handle his depression.

My husband also went to a therapist the same day but he did not like the guy (different from mine, he wanted a bilingual one) i am not sure why but i dont think my husband can take any advice and critisism in his state so im not going to force him to go back until he is ready.

He is really confusing me these days. He keeps cooking me dinner and when i ask him why he said that he needs to cook for himself anyway so its easier for him to cook for me too. He also waited for me at the train station after work, something he hasnt done in forever. I thanked him for it of course but later when I asked him why he said "you would be mad if i didnt." Honestly he hasnt bothered in 3 months so i wouldnt of cared either way, im used to him walking off now but i am happy he waited for me. Why would he say that?

I also asked him if he wants me to cook him lunch today, he said yes and i asked if it makes him happy if i cook for him, he said yes again. When i asked him about it later that day again he said, " i thought you would be mad if i didnt let you." Huh??????? i hate cooking and he knows that i do.

I talked to him a bit more later on and asked him how he was feeling. He said same as usual. I assume that means crappy. He has been on hsis meds 3 weeks so i dont expect it to be any different. 

He said i should take my rings back ( the ones i gave him with the love letter days ago) and i told him that i rather he gave them to me. He said I will never give them back to you. As in basically, i will never love you again. I didnt get upset this time. I asked him calmly, dont you think the way you look at our marriage is a problem? Of course he had no answer.

I guess that there is no way to reason with a depressed person, they are to warped by their own feelings to see the writing on the wall or whats right infront of them. Its very sad and alittle disgusting to me but im trying to be as patient as possible. I guess this thread will turn into a diary for me as time goes on.


----------



## LeoNyan29 (Nov 14, 2012)

Just checking in: the past 10 days my husband has gone back to his parents house for the new years holiday as is the tradition in Japan. I have no idea what they talked about while he was there or what his parents might have said. I guess at this point it doesnt matter. Nothing is really different and I dont expect my husband to be any nice to me when he gets back. He was given a different medication before he left because the previous one has no effect at all. He was on Supiride but now he is on Zoloft. The day he took it he said he felt a tingling in his head so I guess that means it has some sort of effect though if its a good one I have no idea.

We got in a fight before he left. I have been working alot at my job these days to give him space and he said a comment that sounded like he was criticizing my work ethic so I told him it was rude and insulting considering he can barely work at all. I told him to leave me alone for 10 days not not contact me. We didnt really contact rach other while he was away, he did once to ask me about a frivolous issue and i did a few times via email text to tell him about the goings on in tokyo for the holidays, everytime was short and simple. 

Over the past few days though he did email me an old photo of his family and explained some of his old relatives to me. Not sure why did felt the need to share but I guess i should count it as a good thing that he felt inclined to share anything with me at all. 

He is coming back tonight, im hoping it all doesnt blow to hell again. I will write back in a few days if anything developes.


----------



## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Sorry to hear things are still so difficult for you. I admire the way you have learned to set limits for him to protect yourself from his bad behavior (no contact while he was at parents, etc). 

How did it feel being home by yourself for 10 days without him around? My guess is that your home felt peaceful for a change. It is indescribably exhausting to live with someone who has a mood/personality disorder. I hope you're still going to counseling. Good luck and let us know how it goes.


----------



## Omegaa (Nov 17, 2012)

Yes. 
Hope that your situation will improve soon. You sound like you are coping really well.

If I am very honest with you, I find that my own "marriage" has been really difficult. But yours sound like you are having a very difficult time! Perhaps, no one is having an "easy" marriage after all..

One thing I can say is that when you are dealing with a man who has a completely different cultural mindset, it might/may make things harder for you and perhaps for him as well? These differences can be easily overlooked as something to smile about when you are still on a honeymoon period. But in a long run, he may well have been struggling? 

Perhaps his "symptom" of depression could well be a reflection that he may be stressed out over a long period? When I was struggling with my own marriage when h's long term affair came to surface, I cannot say I was happy; perhaps, I was even mildly depressed. It felt like my marriage was killing me.

Perhaps, your h isn't coping well - it would be curious to know if his depression suddenly lifts when he gets his freedom by not having to live in his stressful marriage no matter how much he loved you and he decided to marry you. In my experience, 3 years old marriage is when the reality sets in post-honeymoon period. That was my case anyway...

Wish you all the best,


----------



## LeoNyan29 (Nov 14, 2012)

Hello Omegaa and thanks for commenting. I thought about what you said and i suspected the same thing, there are just a few things though i should add to my story. When i met my husband he had been living in the usa for 5 years and worked at a US company so he knows culturally how we work and think, his job was mostly girls (textile business) so im sure he has heard all the nitty gritty in american women long before he met me.

This may just be my opinion but in comparison to japanese wives i think im pretty easy to live with. I dont care what job he has so long as he is happy, i dont care what income level he is so long as the bills are paid, he can have any hobby he likes, heck i may even join him if he would find one, i like to do many things so im flexible. I make my own money and pay for my own luxuries, i never ask him for money and i dont expect a monthly allowance from him. I also dont control his money like most wives do here. His money is his money and mine is my own. We split the bills 50/50

So i dont really know what he has to be depressed about other than maybe having an identity crisis, he has only even worked part time jobs his whole life and he is hitting the age where it may be too late to find a career ( if you dont find one by 30 in japan you are screwed) and having depression on his health record wont do him any good either. I think the social pressure here is too great becuase he tends to have western thinking and so does his parents whom work for a western company. He does not want to live in america either eventhough i think it would be better for him socially.

I think he is really unhappy with himself and he just takes it out on me. I have always known what i like and dislike, what i want and dont want and it has not changed sincei met him. I have the same hobbies and habbits i did when we were dating.


----------



## LeoNyan29 (Nov 14, 2012)

Hi Waking up to life! Yes the past 10 days were nice but at night it got a little lonely for me. I have always been afraid of the dark since i was little so being in am empty place in the evening was eerie. Luckly i was able call my family back in the usa and chat with them so that was nice. I also got in contact with my grandma who lives in the philippines so im making plans go go visit her for 10 days alone.

My husband and i are talking and he has tried to share some things with me, the family photo, some treats for his hometown, stories,ect. So that is a good sign. I just need to work on my own insecurities and anger issues in the mean time. I have another therapy session this month.

As for bounderies, what are some good ones to set? I told that threatening divorce or telling me to leave him are big no no. Name, calling and making snippy remarks at my job or hobby are also a no no. If he starts to get too negative i just take out a book, watch tv or do something to distract myself from him....anything else?

Ive been reading up in depression and just bought myself a copy of depression fallout and divorce busters, waiting for them in the mail right now.


----------



## LeoNyan29 (Nov 14, 2012)

Another small update;

The first day he came back we did get in another once sided argument. I say one sided because I managed to keep my cool as my husband blew up at me. I dont clearly remember how it started but my husband told me that his parents dont believe everything i said, that they are on his side because he is THEIR son and yadda yadda. i suggested to him that he go to therapy, he blew up and said "WHY WOULD I WANT TO GO TO THERE?! THEY MAKE ME FEEL EVEN WORSE! I WOULD RATHER KILL MYSELF! I WILL NEVER GO BACK THERE EVER!" sounds like a 5 year old child throwing a tantrum over going to the dentist right? Anyway, I told him "Do it or not do it, its your choice." I said this as calmly as possible to which he retorted "LEAVE ME ALONE!" me, "we are just talking, why are you getting so upset?" I left him to sleep it off until the next morning.

He left his email open on my IPAD so I cruised it and took a peek at who he was talking to. Low and behold he had sent some emails to my friend asking her about clarification on divorce laws and something that was written here on the forum by Waking Up To Life. I really dont care if he read this thread because its probably a good thing he knows what I am going through but why he felt he needed to contact my friend (whom i suspect he has a very one sided crush on) leaves me a bit pissed off. I havent confronted him about it yet and i dont know if its worth it but I might have to ask my friend whats going on and why he felt the need to contact her. According to the email it didnt look like she ever replied to him.

Ive also noticed a few other things, he has in the past compared me to her stating a few obscure things like "your friend (name here) would look better in that costume than you." (we are both sewing fanatics, its our hobby) im not sure if he realized how he said it or what it implied. and the other day he sent her a slightly perverted picture of a japanese anime character half naked in a suggestive pose and wanted to send it to her. Maybe he thought it was a joke but it seems horribly inappropriate to me and I told him she will probably think its creepy. 

Something that has also bothered me but i have never said anything about if the fact that she had to strong arm my husband into getting me a birthday present back in september. I honestly was not expecting anything as money has always been a tight issue and there was really nothing i wanted. But the fact that he saved in to pressure from her seems to me that he cares more about her opinion of him than making me happy or being thoughtful towards me. It really hurts my feelings that it happened that way. 

Im trying not to make a big deal of it but im very aware that depressed men will go looking for affairs just to make themselves feel better and a one sided EA isnt entirely out of the question. 

Any suggestions?


----------



## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Have you considered that your husband may have way more going on than just depression? To me, he sounds like a classic case of Borderline Personality Disorder. Uptown on this forum has clued me in to this regarding my own husband. If you haven't read his posts about BPD, here's a good one: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/showth...discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522

I mention this because if your husband has BPD, you should begin to arm yourself with all the knowledge you can about it. Your approach and expected outcomes of being married to a BPD person is vastly different than being married to someone who is depressed. Sorry to say, it's not likely to be a good outcome, but if you educate yourself about it, you'll be better equipped to deal with the emotional war zone you are living in.


----------



## Omegaa (Nov 17, 2012)

LeoNyan29 said:


> Im trying not to make a big deal of it but im very aware that depressed men will go looking for affairs just to make themselves feel better and a one sided EA isnt entirely out of the question.
> 
> Any suggestions?


If he's lusting after her, EA isn't so innocent.
This will explain his behaviour. 
I have been there and done that. It's not NICE.

Good luck xx


----------



## LeoNyan29 (Nov 14, 2012)

Waking Up To Life, Im reading that thread right now. Some of its sounds close to my situation but the only difference is that my husband NEVER acted like that until his breakdown 3 months ago.
If he was or is BPD i never had the slightest hint of it. He was always a very affectionate and caring guy before his depression set it.

Omegaa, I think you hit the nail on the head. I really think he has more than friendly thoughts about my friend.

I am pretty pissed at the fact he tried to use MY friend to gather information that would be used to hurt me. He tried to ask my friend, who is closer to me than him so why he thought she would agree to this is bizarre, to call the US embassy in Japan for information that ultimately would of been used to kick me out of the country or something along those lines. I confronted him about this yesterday and he said he needed a "native english speaker" to do the dirty deed. I teach English in Japan and we both know many other native speakers who are not closely tied to me that he could of asked. Its absolute bull---- that he asked my personal friend and thats where I draw the line in the sand. (btw she refused to help him)

Of course he wasnt happy that i contacted his family and compares what I said to them to what he asked of her which is NOT true. I never asked his family for anything other than there advice and support and to inform them of what was going on. Was he going to try to keep this a secret from here to kingdom come? and what about if we did truly get divorced what was he going to tell them when they discover i am gone? I think he would of tried to concoct some crazy story that made me look like that bad guy and him like the poor abused depressed victim.

I would NEVER NEVER EVER use friends or family of his to garner information that would be used to divorce or hurt him. His excuse given to me for why he did what he did was "You must understand, I am hurting too". 

I asked him to leave the apartment last night and go stay with his brother. I dont want to see his face for the next 24-48 hours until I have had time to cool down and think this whole thing over.

Not a happy lady right now to say the least :cussing:


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

LeoNyan29 said:


> My husband NEVER acted like that until his breakdown 3 months ago. If he was or is BPD i never had the slightest hint of it. He was always a very affectionate and caring guy before his depression set it.


LN, I agree with Waking that you are describing some BPD traits. I also agree with you that, if your H really did have a BPD problem, the traits would not only have been strong but also persistent. Hence, he would not have been able to hide his BPD traits for nearly six years (i.e., until the last 3 months of your 6-year relationship). It therefore sounds like your H is reacting to some sort of dramatic change, e.g., falling out of love with you, drug abuse, a hormone change, or (more rarely) a brain injury.


----------



## LeoNyan29 (Nov 14, 2012)

Hey Uptown, thanks for chiming in. I really dont think its BPD for the same reason. But after wathcing my husband closely the past 4 months ( god has it been that long already?) here is what i think is going on:

Unforunately i think the trigger for his depression started about a year ago when his close cousin committed suicide. He was able to function fine the past year despite this but everyone noticed he wasnt as talkative as before and not as outgoing. I noticed this myself but he was still able to go out on dates with me and go to work, have sex, everything else no problem so i chalked it up to stress.

So its seems to be a cumulation of 4 things
Cousins suicide,
Not loving me,
Lusting after my friend,
Falling into depression 

I will take the blame for being unlovable at times but i wont take the blame for anything more than that. Ive done my best to carry my own weight in the relationship. I did my best to console him when his cousin died to, that was not an easy event for me either.

Today, i am alone at the house, its snowing outside and i have two warm fluffy kitties at my feet, and a cup of hot tea and you know what....Im actually enjoying having my time to myself and working on my own hobbies and projects while he deals with his problems. I called my grandma (who lives in the philippines) up last night and told her what was going on, she already knew in minute details from my main family back in seattle. I am getting a two week all expense paid trip to the tropical islands via my family and grandma feb 26-march 12th!! I am so excited and really looking forward to seeing my family there.:smthumbup:


----------



## LeoNyan29 (Nov 14, 2012)

Well just when i thought things were going to get better they blew up in my face again.

Last night my husband was nicer, gave me a hug when i asked and cooked me dinner, prepared the bath for me. I asked him if he minded being around me to which he said " no i dont mind." 

This afternoon, mr hyde decided to come out and play. I was searching for hotels in singapore for a trip in july i was planning which i told him about last month. He got angry and said, " if your going then divorce me first." To which i flately stated," if you want me gone then pay for my move."

Low and behold he uses this as a prime opportunity to say how wrong the marriage is and how he was depressed when we got married (not true) and that i forced him into marriage by deciding to move to japan ( not true, he could of said no at any time and saved us all a world of trouble) 

The conversation quickly spiraled into a you are so manipulative and you just want to hurt me blah blah blah.

I had to raise my voice to him because what he was saying was so ludicrous and insulting. He seems to think that he has no financial responsibility to me in the event of a divorce. All im asking for is about 5000 dollars to pay for my move back to the usa. Which i think is pretty reasonable. He even had the gall to call our close friend ( one of our older japanese lady friends whom we have known for years) a liar who is telling me nice things that arent true because she wants us to stay together.

Imo, i think he fantasizes about me going away so he can make up so crazy story to tell his family about how i was a terrible wife and put the failure on me rather than him and his depression. I flat out told him i wont keep him in this marriage but he sure as heck will not make a fool out of me. 

I told him that he always makes me out to be the bad guy and im always the one being punished. He denied it but really, in the end im the one who looses everything. I go home empty handed with no career ( i threw that away to be with him) and no money (spent it all moving here). And 6 years wasted of my life. 

What in the hell is this guy thinking? If he was married to another girl would he be getting off so easy? He should be counting his blessings im not taking him to court and asking for a nominal amount just for the moving fee.

Is it normal for people on meds to be so up and down? Btw he is on 50 mg of zoloft which i heard it not even the normal amount for most people? I understand that maybe the doctors are tryingto build him up slowly to the right amount but are the mood swings normal?


----------



## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. You sound like you've been more than patient and understanding of his depression, but he is just not going to be reasonable. 

Has he tried a mood stabilizer like Depakote ER? That's what my H took for a long time for his bipolar (til he decided he didn't want to take it anymore). Obviously the Zoloft isn't helping your husband much. You are in a very tough situation, especially being in a foreign country and all your resources are used up. I don't have much I can advise...just a ((hug)). Perhaps when you go visit your grandmother in the Phillipines, you can get a little away time to think and gain some clarity on the situation.


----------



## LeoNyan29 (Nov 14, 2012)

Thanks Waking up to life! I plan to do just that.

As for the mood stabilizer, no, he is only on zoloft and im not sure if its doing anything for him. I dont expect him two be honest about it either, he is very anti drug.

Since his dosage was just upped about 5 days ago i think maybe it will take time but boy oh boy i am ever looking forward to my vacation!

Thanks for the hugs! Sending a great big bear one back to you


----------



## LeoNyan29 (Nov 14, 2012)

The past 4 days have been really quiet for me. My husband went to stay at his brothers again this weekend. One thing I have noticed though is that I seem to be suffering some sort of PTSD. Ive been having alot of nightmares about everything my husband has said and done over and over again. In my dreams I am screaming at my husband or I believe he is trying to conspire against me. I wake up feeling so unrested. If I dont take a sleep aid i have these dreams over and over again. 

I have no problem functioning in the day even though i have frequent thoughts about whats going on, my work performance is fine. But i always have thoughts of this in the back of my head and sometimes when im not careful I think of the situation and get so angry or sad or lonely during my work.

Im also feeling a bit paranoid lately. Maybe its anxiety but im having bad thoughts about his family and what role they might have in this. He has been talking to his mom and i think she misunderstands the situation since he puts on his nice boy face when she is around. I almost want to secretly film or record my husband so i can show my therapist how he acts and get a professional opinion on it.....

I cant see my therapist this month due to bills =( no money left over to pay for a session.


----------



## LeoNyan29 (Nov 14, 2012)

Just checking in.

I had the afternoon off today but i have been so wiped out i havent had energy to do anything. Luckly hubby is too preoccupied with his i phone games to fight with me today. I called my dad also and talked to him for a half hour. 

We talked more of my husbands depression and how without councelling any hope of him returning to his old self is not very high. Im still going to give him a chance for his meds to work and to show some interest in working on the marriage but my faith in drugs is low.

I love my husband very much but there doesnt seem to be any part of him that loves me back. I know ive made my mistakes but im smart enough to know i am not unlovable. Nothing he does to me will ever make me feel worthless. I have always been faithful to him, never cheated, shared my money and life with him, gave him my heart, my future, my dreams. Also gave up my family and country for him.

Wonder how he would take it if i were the depressed one and he on the recieving end of abuse? He wouldnt last one week in my shoes.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

How much do you know about Japanese culture? I don't know much but the codes of acceptable behavior but it is quite different, i believe. I believe people are tolerant of non Japanese breaking the rules. Perhaps marriage puts a strain on tolerance. I am certain being in Japan makes it more challenging. 

How common is it for a Japanese man to marry a non-Japanese woman and to live in Japan? The society is very traditional, and it is difficult for a non-Japanese to make deep friendships. I think you may be making several mistakes. If you are talking to Japanese friends about personal problems, that may be taboo. . They may be more loyal to him than to you. Is it common to talking about personal problems with friends?

You are acting like an westerner, i think, in a non-western society. You may have broken several taboos. It may reflect on him adversely in his work and socially. How well did you know each other before marriage. Did you meet in Japan? How accepting was his family? 

Step back and look at your situation without blaming yourself. Look at how well you learned and understand Japanese culture. If your knowledge is lacking, start learning. You marriage sounds too damaged to continue. MC is probably not acceptable in that society so getting your husband to go may be asking too much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LeoNyan29 (Nov 14, 2012)

Hi Catherine! Thanks for writing to me here. You had a lot of questions in your post so im going to try to answer all of them as best i can. This is going to be long so bear with me....

I have a feeling that most people think of a japan they think of it as a very close minded, quiet, submissive yet honorable and traditional society. That is half true BUT the new generation is totally different. (People around my age) if you have never lived here then you would never know it based on what is shown on tv and what you see if you are just visiting here on holiday. Im not sure if you have been here or not.

There are two competing generations, the baby boomers and their children. Now first of course if what everyone would deem the 9-5 salaryman who still holds to traditional values and roles and the other has been nicknamed the parasite generation. I think this name is pretty obvious. This generation had wealthy parents from the first and a full time stay at home mom to do all their chores so they dont know how to function on their own and cant handle the pressures of life and tend to live with their parents from cradle to grave, working but never leaving the house to maximize their personal income which goes to brand name clothing, accessories and what not. If you google this im sure you will find some interesting articles on it. Sorry just a little FYI before we get into the meat and potatoes.

I knew about this long before i met my husband, studied it in college and learnt the language. While we we dating half of it was in the USA, we lived together in seattle. And the other half way in tokyo, i would fly to japan twice a year to visit him. That whole time i was in contact with his family, i met them my first visit over to here and we have been in contact ever since then. 

The past 3 years they have been in contact with my family, they met at the wedding, and exchange emails on occasion. His dad speaks english, he is a maritime professor in an area with lots of foreigners (near a marine base) and his mom started her own company via AMWAY (american way) so she is also in contact with many foreigners. Both of them enjoy the benefits of a very non typical japanese lifestyle and work place. My husband grew up in this .

My husband speaks fluent english so there was no communication barrier between us. When we got married talked to our pastor about it first and he gave us a pre marital counseling session, we were both on the same page.

Interracial marriages are becoming more common in japan due to shifting ethics. Is more common to see a japanese lady with a western guy but i have also met other couples in my situation too. In tokyo its not out of the question. 

I am not sure if you read all of my other entries but in japan its still common for married ladies to be homemakers but due to our financial situation its not possible, my husband does not want to work full time and when he did in the past it only lasted one year before he wanted a change. I think most japanese ladies would have divorced at that point because a husband with no job is a big shame. Btw spouse abuse is also common here, and im not just talking about guys hitting girls, its common now for girls to also beat their husbands. Its not uncommon for girls to make up abuse stories to blackmail their spouse/ boyfriends for money either. 

As for talking to friends, he does NOT talk to his friends about his issues. That is his style, its not a reflection on japanese society, many people talk to their friends and family about problems. I talk to one or two of my close japanese friends not in association with him who are also going through the same problem. One was a depression sufferer of many years and the other has a depressed and physically abusive husband. I absolutely do not talk to his friends about his issues. I have talked to his family and my family, they both think is good we keep each other up to date on his condition.

Im not sure if you read this but my husband has depression which is half our battle. Not only is he depressed but he has suicidal tendencies and it runs in his family because his brother has it too and his cousin took his own life.

Depression in japan? Not good but not as bad as 10-15 years ago. Its still a taboo but it wont get you fired or anything and we are both lucky we work in a foreign dominant place. Japan still has the second highest suicide rate in the world.

I know he has this working against him but luckly our work places are run by westerners and so long as he can function he is safe. In japanese companies he would have been forced to quit probably. Also his family is very open minded about this, his brother is studying to be a psychologist and was the one who took him to the clinic for his diagnosis.

As far as i know i haven't broken any taboos (trust me this place is not so stringent about how it handles these things) its just that my husband, in his state, sees everything as a personal attack when it isnt. He sees everything as an invasion of privacy when it isnt. Everything is an unwanted responsibility and pressure when it isnt. In short, he thinks everyone is against him and will judge him but the truth is most japanese people dont care, they have too many of their own vices to deal with to think about his but this type of paranoia is also part of his depression.

On the issue of marriage counseling, no its no popular here but it IS available. He just doesn't want to do it because he doesn't like to talk to anyone about his problems anyway and he does not want anyone to point out his faults since his self esteem is crap from his depression.


----------



## LeoNyan29 (Nov 14, 2012)

Its been 10 days since my last up date. Not much has happened this week but my husband has been put on 75mg of Zoloft now. There has been alittle improvement in his attitude. Some of his old mannerisms are coming back, he telling more jokes and sharing more day to day things with me.

The other day I had a bad reaction to my birthcontrol (yaz) that i had been taking about about a year to treat a ovarian cyst. The cyst is gone but i stayed on it for the benefits of clear skin. I had to go back to the doctor and asked my husband to come with me due to the barrier in language. Technical medical japanese is way to complicated for me.

He enthusiastically agreed to take me and didnt even argue back. This was a bit of surprise. I thought he would saw no for sure and leave me on my own. Yesterday we went to the doctor together, then had lunch together (1st time he and I have been alone together outside the house in 4 months) and then we went home shopping at the new Daiso (dollar store) in our neighborhood and walked home together. We chatted the whole way home, it wasnt a silent walk. This was a pleasant event for me and Im glad to took me without fighting me on it.

Its a nice change in direction and im counting me blessings but im still not holding my breath either. We shall see what the weeks ahead bring.


----------



## debster (Dec 17, 2012)

Glad to hear things are going a little better.


----------



## animal 2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

I'm curious if the zoloft helped him get into a better mood to go to the doctor and shopping with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LeoNyan29 (Nov 14, 2012)

Thanks Debster! 

Animal 2011, The zoloft seems to give him a but more energy but he is not on his full dosage yet so Im not sure.


----------



## LeoNyan29 (Nov 14, 2012)

Ive been quiet on here lately, not much new has happened other than one thing, once again my husband started talking about separation. I have been talking alot with my family discussing my options if a divorce goes through. 

My husband was upset that I left a box of our wedding cards letter and guest book out on the table with a note for him to look at them. He stated "You cant guilt me into this, my vows were true then but not now. staying in this marriage is a lie." and then he proceeded to try to guilt me into leaving on my own. Nice.

Anyway, I have put my foot down and have asked him to pay for my move back to the USA if a divorce is truly what he wants. my move would not be very expensive, certainly less expensive than what most divorces costs so if he wants it, here is his golden ticket out of this situation. Financially he did not support me move to Japan, the wedding and a few other things,and he owes my family a debt so to clear his reputation with both his family and mine this is the way to go. my family also told him this was their wish as well. 

Naturally he threw a fit. "why do I have to pay everything?" oh gee maybe for the reasons stated above.

this was about two weeks ago, not a peep about D has come out of him since then. He tried to make an offhand "you going back to Seattle" comment about a week ago which i promptly said "we already discussed this." 


( I have more but I am at work and will write a separate entry on my next break)


----------

