# Think my drinking ruined my marriage



## Jemm

Hi no real question, I've found getting my thoughts out of head is helpful. I've been an aloholic most of my life, I only admitted it a few months ago. I've been married for 2 1/2 yrs, and put my H thru hell and back with my nastiness, hangovers, embarrasing episodes, etc. He begged me to stop and I would lay off for awhile and then resume right where I left off. Now when I finally realize what and who I am when I drink, I believe he's finally realized he's had enough. I know its important for my recovery to acccept what I can not change, but I dont want to go down without a fight when it comes to my marriage. He is a good man, gave me the world. He doesnt talk to me about our marriage, its like we are in a perpetual state of limbo, we dont sleep together, do things together, nothing. I'm seeing a counselor by myself and reading different books. I know I have to give him space and time, just got the 180 rules. I know in the long run I will be better with or without him. I am very committed to being sober, the thought of drinking gives me panic attacks. Wish I had foresight instead of hindsight


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## CandieGirl

Move on ahead, from this day forward, doing your best. I hope things work out for you and your husband!


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## Jemm

Thank you I will


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## Sara Ann

I like how you take responsibility. You don't blame some imaginary disease, like another lady did on a thread here. I think women like you, and me, we make it because we take responsibility for our actions. We choose our life. You go, woman!

I got my marriage back after an addiction. It took some time for him to get over the damage I caused. Now, he doesn't even want to talk about the past. He is so happy with his life, and with me, today.


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## Prodigal

Would your husband consider attending Al-Anon? He has a TON of pent-up anger in him from your drinking days. Al-Anon would give him a place to meet people who have walked in his shoes. It would also give him the tools to work his own recovery.

Alcoholism is an equal-opportunity destroyer: it takes down everyone in its path. Trust me; I know. I married two alkies. I also got my a$$ into Al-Anon back in 1996. I was every bit as sick as the A's in my life. I needed a program of my own.

In the end, he may not want to reconcile. You have to make peace with that possibility. It sounds like you want sobriety at any price, which is exactly what keeps A's on the straight-and-narrow. 

Yeah, the drinking did a good deal of damage to your marriage. All you can do is work a strong program, make amends when necessary, and put it in your Higher Power's hands.

Sorry I can't offer you a sure-fire way to get your marriage back on track. Hope your hubs will consider Al-Anon.


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## DrunkenH

Listen, when it comes to getting sober, you pretty much have to be completely selfish. I know that sentiment won't win me a lot of admirors, but it's true. You have to do it for YOU. It's the only way to get better. You can't worry about results from anyone else.


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## Jemm

Havent been here for awhile, I found a sober recovery website and have been concentrating more on my sobreity, my marriage is important to me and I do want it to work, however I know absolutley nothing in my life will work if I start drinking again. I am working on staying sober for ME, otherwise considering the state of my marriage I would have said screw it months ago and just bought myself a 30 pack. My husband is reading Co-Dependant No More, I hope it helps him, I dont really ask him about it because I'm trying to stick to the 180 rules as well. Today, I just stay focused on today, PS thanks Sara Ann and Drunken H, sometimes sentiments may not be what we want to hear, but they are what we need to hear.


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## hoehandle

you are doing good to just concentrate on your recovery. The rest will work itself out. With time your husband may find it within himself to forgive; but it will take time.
My first marriage broke up after I was clean & sober 5 years. There was just too much water under the bridge; my wife just couldn't find that place of forgiveness. She wouldn't go to Alanon or anything else. It was my problem and mine alone soooo we split. If your H keeps moving forward your marriage may heal. They don't all end in divorce.

good luck to you.

hoe


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## Jemm

So today is about a month and a half since the fight that brought this all to a head. Still no resolution. My H hasn't finished reading co dependant no more. Yesterday I had off so I read it. I was hoping to get a better understanding of how he's feelingo. In addition now that I'm sober I have a very clear sense of what I put him through, my EH was apddicted to alcohol and crack. I'm sure the flings my husband has have to be very similar to what I felt. I am coming to terms with what I've done. I have to acknowledge and accept even if its not what I want. I'm considering separation, just to give him some space to clear his head and figure things out for himself. I don't want a separation, its terrible watching him struggle with his feelings and fears every day
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## Jemm

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## Jemm

I meant feelings not flings stinking auto spell
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## Sara Ann

My husband felt angry and betrayed because he didn't know what I was doing and how much money I had spent. I blew through a lot of our savings, and he had trusted me with the finances and didn't know. He was emotionally distant because I had pulled away over the years. When I stopped using drugs and became happy and laughing all the time, I thought he should love the new me. No, he couldn't turn on a switch. He was still the same person. It took him about 6 months to come around.

During the 6 months, he sometimes slept on the couch, and he often rejected me, esp. sexually. I thought I should divorce him. Man, was that impulsive! I couldn't even see he needed time to deal with this big surprise I had just landed on him.

He also felt responsible for my feelings, which burdened him more and made him resentful. I told him he is not responsible for my feelings and my actions and he was so relieved! 

He was concerned about normal female behavior, like me crying sometimes. He had not seen me cry in many many years. It took time for him to see that crying was just what women sometimes do, and it didn't mean I was running back to drugs.

Over time, as I was financially responsible, level headed, and doing the right thing, he respected me more and more. The fear about me got less and less. It's been almost 2 years and I don't think he worries anymore about me going back to a substance.

Maybe something in my experience will give you hope.


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## deejov

Jemm,
Good for you in taking steps to deal with this, and I can only imagine how much hard work it is.

My H has a drinking problem, and has stopped drinking. I can only say that it can take a spouse a "while" to see that the drinking isn't going to start again. And yes, the drinking person is the one we grow to not like, but it's quite possible for a spouse to come to realise that, and make the separation.

It just does take some time. Good luck to you, stay strong!!


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## Jemm

I know it will take time, I dont want to give up, I hate seeing him sad, angry, confused and exhausted all the time. I thought separating would give him some space and peace, we own a business so we are together A LOT


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## Jemm

Thanks for everyone's posts, my H told me today he wants a separation, in my heart I know this is best for everyone. I'm terrified and don't think I've ever felt so sad. I have no idea how to handle a separation, what that means how you or if you interact with one another. We have to interact because we have a business together. He stays at work as long as he possibly can and won't talk to me about it. I think his codependancy is kicking into overdrive. He is feeling guilty about telling me what he wants, and is worried about me supporting myself, not healing himself, that's why I know its best, even though its breaking my heart. I need to focus on myself and my son. I'm not looking for sympathy maybe just looking for someone to tell me to suck it up, my sadness and fear won't prevent the inevitable, or postpone lying in the bed I made.
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## deejov

"Lying in the bed you made" is one way to look at it. Another is to embrace the chance to fully truly focus on yourself and your son.
A separation. It's not a divorce, just a true opportunity to get the space you need to get some clarity.

And maybe a test. 

If you can stay sober during THIS upcoming stress.....then your H might come to realise that you are going to stick to your sobriety.

If he doesn't come back, then you are free to fully expand on your NEW life. It's an opportunity. To explore the tomorrow's.


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## Freak On a Leash

Jemm said:


> I thought separating would give him some space and peace


Exactly. What separating has probably done is show him how much better and less stressful his life is without you. Now he wants to keep it that way. He can't trust you to stay sober and if he goes back with you both physically and emotionally then it's taking a step backward.

He might be lonely and he might very miss you but he has peace and that alone is a lot better. Being on his own has shown him how much better it CAN be without all the stress and madness you represent. 

I remember the night my alcoholic husband left. It was two years ago from yesterday: November 30, 2010. After months of living in Hell I came home and there was no brooding madman drinking himself to death out on the porch. No need to walk on eggshells. No feeling of fear that I was going to be ambushed and torn apart emotionally. The house was quiet. I could go inside and eat my dinner in peace, take care of the kids and relax. I realized then how much better my life was. 

And it got better. The longer I was away from my husband the better it got. 

Oh yeah, he stopped drinking eventually. But he started again. Then he stopped. Then he started again. And stopped and started again. 

I've continued to stay away from him, even when he begged me and offered me money to come back to him, I refused. And I'm glad that I did. My life is much better. It was hard fought victory and I won't retreat. I don't think I'll ever live with him again. 

You have quite a task cut out for you. Concentrate on staying sober and maybe your husband will trust you at some point. The most important thing now is to get yourself better, give him space and don't nag or beg him. If you bother him, it will just make it worse. 

In the meantime, good luck. It sounds like you realize that you are the problem and are making real changes so that puts you ahead of my husband by a long shot.

When you look in the mirror and realize that the biggest problem is staring back at you, then you can finally move forward. Most alcoholics blame everyone else. Their rationale is that they are fine, everyone is should accept what they are. No one has mastered the Blame Game and the Guilt Trip better than an alcoholic.


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## Chuck71

A separation is not the end. Filing for D is not the end. Going through with the D is not the end. You will always have history. If you have taken steps to take control of your life he will notice. It just takes a little time. Would you rather him come back right now and be unsure or wait seven months but when he returns he is ready to make everything work? Waiting is always the hardest part. Now I'm having Tom Petty flashbacks


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## stpatrickgirl

I know exactly what you are going through. I also drank throughout my marriage and, ultimately, that along with other factors caused a divorce that was final last July and completely broke my heart. I really wanted to work on the marriage, on the drinking, attend counseling together, pull out all the stops - but my ex didn't, at least in part because he immediately moved on into a relationship with someone I knew and that he worked with, I strongly suspect before we even separated. The strange or interesting thing is that I have drank so much less since the split and the anxiety disorder I have had for 20 years has abated somewhat. I have beaten myself nearly to death with remorse and regrets over my actions, but I wasn't there by myself and neither were you. Therapy has been a help to me - maybe you should start there. I wish you the very best of luck in an awful situation.


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## DaddyLongShanks

Cut the drinking down to zero, get into the gym or walk 30 minutes a day, you will see life differently. I would not hang around places or people I was doing heavy drinking with. Drinking causes a spiral of negativity.


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