# new, here, but also new to being cheated on! help, need advice



## foreverinlove (Sep 8, 2010)

hello, thanks for having this group first of all. 

secondly i was cheated on this past weekend. I actually walked in on him kissing her. (in my opinion-and what hubby and i have talked about yrs earlier, is that kissing is cheating). he told me he intentionally did it to prove to me that he wanted affection, that i wasn't paying enough attention to him. 

he is a army vet with ptsd, so i take his moods lightly, but he ON purposely hurt me, which i asked him, how is that love?? no answer. add into it that this girl was a mutual friend, and after repeated texts (she wouldn't answer my calls) i told her to stop calling and texting both of us. she didn't. she called left me a message while i was at work, stating that i need to control my friends and tell them to stop f*K putting crap on facebook. 

he ran after her the night i caught them, not me first. he also called her first the day after (when he got off work). he lied to me and said he left a voice mail, which it was a 12 min conversation. I also have a control and trust issue, which i am working on continously. she also called him at 230am in the morning! who calls a married man at that time. she knows he was on his way home from work, and i was sleeping. they texted continuously for hours a day while he is at work. 

weve been together 10.5yrs, married almost 10. have 2 kids, 8 and 2, and were thinking of buying a house finally, and almost every plan is f*K up. 

im so hurt, betrayed, angry, and have anxiety all in one! i need the magic fix it pill, but they are all ot of those, lol. 

any advice is greatly appreciated.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

> he told me he intentionally did it to prove to me that he wanted affection, that i wasn't paying enough attention to him.


This is crap and he's a liar. He couldn't TELL you he needs more affection??

Kick his cheating butt out and be calm about it. Don't argue or fight. And get your accounts together...cheating men like to spend money.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you  It really does suck.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Lawyer up.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

foreverinlove said:


> hello, thanks for having this group first of all.
> 
> secondly i was cheated on this past weekend. I actually walked in on him kissing her. (in my opinion-and what hubby and i have talked about yrs earlier, is that kissing is cheating). he told me he intentionally did it to prove to me that he wanted affection, that i wasn't paying enough attention to him.


This is normal cheating behaviour. He is trying to make it your fault. Get used to it..



foreverinlove said:


> he is a army vet with ptsd, so i take his moods lightly, but he ON purposely hurt me, which i asked him, how is that love?? no answer. add into it that this girl was a mutual friend, and after repeated texts (she wouldn't answer my calls) i told her to stop calling and texting both of us. she didn't. she called left me a message while i was at work, stating that i need to control my friends and tell them to stop f*K putting crap on facebook.


You have nothing to control. You need to make this affair as uncomfortable and as obvious as possible.



foreverinlove said:


> he ran after her the night i caught them, not me first. he also called her first the day after (when he got off work). he lied to me and said he left a voice mail, which it was a 12 min conversation.


Yep. He lied to you. You are going to have to expect that I am afraid.



foreverinlove said:


> I also have a control and trust issue, which i am working on continously. she also called him at 230am in the morning! who calls a married man at that time. she knows he was on his way home from work, and i was sleeping. they texted continuously for hours a day while he is at work.


You do not have a control and trust issue. Your husband is lying to you and cheating on you right now. 




foreverinlove said:


> weve been together 10.5yrs, married almost 10. have 2 kids, 8 and 2, and were thinking of buying a house finally, and almost every plan is f*K up.


I am afraid that any plans you had for a life together are gone. This is one of the hardest things to accept. Whatever happens now it will never be the same again. 




foreverinlove said:


> im so hurt, betrayed, angry, and have anxiety all in one! i need the magic fix it pill, but they are all ot of those, lol.
> 
> any advice is greatly appreciated.


You have to start dumping consequences on him. 

At the moment he does not love you and is treating you with utter contempt. 
Read about the affair fog. 
Read about the 180. 
Do NOTHING hastily. [my mistake] 

I am so sorry you are here. You are going to get lots of what seems very radical advice. The purpose of this advice is to protect YOU. 
I am sure more will be incoming soon..

Hey.. Breathe. Go for a walk. punch something. This will all feel like this is happening in slow motion for you. It is going to take some time to resolve. Prepare yourself for divorce. 
Log in here. Do not tell your husband about it. This is your safe place..


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## foreverinlove (Sep 8, 2010)

still very confused on what to do. my job has me working earlyshifts so we are rarely seeing each other. only when he asks for money for lunch. I control all the money, nothing gets put anywhere else without me knowing it. 

he agreed to marriage counceling. 

i love him, but haven't decided on weither i want to be living like this the rest of my life. all we have in common now is that we both don't know what to do. 

i had a friend tell me i needed to forgive him, because God forgives us, but i can't right now. i can't get past the 'intentionally' hurting me. 

i have 0$ to do anything with . i rely on his pay to pay 90% of the bills. my income is really supplemental, only to pay my student loans and car payment. 

we CANNOT afford to live seperately. its not concievable. we squeak by now and sometimes have to put a tank of gas on the credit card. its extremely tight till i get a full time job. 

i just need the support on how to get thru this. he acts like everything is normal, and since the kids don't know, we act like there is nothing wrong. everytime he kisses me, i wanna puke. (of course he kisses me when the boys are around) i can't stand him touching me right now. no matter if there was NO physical attraction, i can't do it. 

there are moments, that i just feel like giving up. like its not worth fighting and if i have done 10 yrs like this, i got 16 more, im almost halfway. 

i think i have just lost the will to fight about it. yes it is easier to give in and let him do what he wants. yes i am setting a bad example for my boys, yes i am f*cked up to let him do it to me. i just give up. yes, its wrong for my boys to see what 'love' is-at least 'this way'. 

am i wrong? i just don't know i just wanna get away. everyday i have to sleep near him makes me wanna scream. he knows i like to cuddle and uses that to his advantage. i am just confused.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

My wife had an emotional affair. When I caught her, she said that the two of them set me up to see if I could trust her about not having an affair. And, apparently I couldn't, according to her. So now, I'm not trustworthy anymore so she told me she should just leave, because of my lack of trust.

WTF? Right? That makes no sense. 

It's called gas lighting. They use this to put the guilt onto you. So they feel better. It's also very effective at confusing the hell out of you and make you second guess reality.

Seriously. When I heard those words from my WW, I was so confused it took me hours to sort out that stupid logic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

foreverinlove,

I know you are in shock right now. I know it seems like an almost impossible situation. I know money is tight.

BUT...

You can't become a doormat. Without any real consequences for his actions..there is very little chance your spouse will change.


You say you've lost the will to fight about it...good...you shouldn't fight about it. Take it at face value..he has betrayed you placing you and your children in a bad place. That's the reality..nothing to fight about..yet, something to remove yourself from.

Do you have friends or family you can lean on? If not..then I suggest you start stashing every bit of cash you can and try to make a move to a better situation for yourself.

Right now he's acting like nothing happened..because nothing has changed for him. Other than you being mad...and lets face it..if that mattered to him he wouldn't have cheated. He still has you taking care of all the money stuff, taking care of the kids (i guess), taking care of the house (guess) and sleeping in the same bed.

So in his mind why would he repent.

Also...your friend that told you you should forgive him because Christ says you should..I would stop listening to your friend. Although..I do believe in Christ and he does mandate that we forgive...Here is what Christ says in Luke 17:3-4;

3 Take heed to yourselves. If your brother sins against you,rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. 4 And if he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times in a day returns to you, saying, ‘I repent,’ you shall forgive him.”


Key word "REPENT" definition: to feel such sorrow for sin or fault as to be disposed to change one's life for the better; be penitent.

From what I read it does not sound like you husband is not being repentant.

What you are going through now is going to be the toughest ride of your life. Trust in God..Trust in yourself.

Best wishes,

GM


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## foreverinlove (Sep 8, 2010)

thanks GM, for the most part you are right. 

he is sleeping on the couch. he thinks this will blow over. 

i did get marriage counceling scheduled for the 12th, but I have decided to emotionally detach myself from the situation. I have cried enough tears. 

He gets angry cause i ask him who he talked to, and what they talked about. I don't do it arguingly or with a atittude, i just ask like he does me when i am on the phone. he got seriously pissed and yelled wtf does it matter what i talk to my brother about (example of a arguement) , i politely reminded him of the agreement we had for him to tell me 100% of everything in every question i ask him. 

he said that he thought ithat was 'just for the cheaing' talk, and didn't agree to 100% all the time- being all the time! 

so i just ignore it. i write down what i can, when i can, since i work 40hrs at a job, then i am home with the boys and take care of the house and outside stuff too. I am also looking for a new place to rent. I hated this place to begin with , i don't have to be in it (no lease) and i won't be able to fillthe oil tank this winter if i don't get some money. 

i swear he wants me to act like there is nothing wrong. 
we went to urgent care yest, cause he thought he may have broke his finger. He 'didn't' know where it was, and had me drive him there. I had to drage the boys out and when we were in there he acted like he was 4. he put the damn exam glove over his head and walked around with it on. it was funny the first min or so, then the next 20 i was embarrassed. He wouldn't help with diciplineing the boys while we were in there, he let them run around, while i am yelling at them to stop scratching up the walls with their toys. I am the ONLY diciplinarian in the house. 

i get toldall the time, the boys never listen to me. i wonder why not!!! i believe in spanking, not beating, so i will spank a butt if needed, or i FIRMLY believe in ear grabbing ( the old way of getting someones attention!) and time-outs. I felt stressed cause all i ever do its discipline the kids, i never get to be the 'good guy'. they were running in the small exam room, and pulling exam gloves out an playing with them. i am consistantly telling them to sit down, and i know that is lack of diciplining on my part, but i am soooo stressed out rightnow. 

i hope that therapy can help, cause i need it. 

i picked up a extra shift at work to stay busy and bring in more money. I am tired physically and emotionally. 

work is soo busy, at least i don't have time to think about my problems there. 

i have been hospitalized before for 'observation' cause they didn't know why i had horrible stomach pains, and then 3 days later they are gone. it was stress. i told hubby before, i need a break, and he doesn't listen. 

hubby said to me during our fight, you never wash my clothes! I seriously felt like hitting him again. 

he tells me all the time i make every arguement about me, about what i do al the time. 

the songs, martina mcbride-how far, and reba mcentire-consider me gone. they are exactly how i feel. 

i had another friend at work tell me that yes, i have to forgive, but it doesn't have to be right away! i just about died laughing! lol

i did tell my boss the basics of what is going on, so he understands if i am late from therapy. well its 330am here, time for bed


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