# Where do you start?



## mae (Aug 17, 2009)

I am in California and am seriously considering a divorce. Does anyone know where I would start? We don't have a house or any major property or finances to divide (he has his car, I have mine. he has his bank account, I have mine). We do have a daughter who would live with me full time with unlimited visitation from him. 

I don't have the money to pay for a lawyer or a mediator. Can all that stuff just be skipped? Is there just some paper I can file and be done with it? Does anyone know what form I would file?

Also, is child support a requirement or an option? Meaning if we decided he didn't need to pay child support is that fine or is he legally required to pay it anyway? And what the heck is alimony for? I've never been able to figure that one out.

Any advice or direction would be good. Thanks.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Many times attorneys will give you a free consultation for the first visit. You may consider doing that and gettiing some more info. 

Use a search engine and look under california divorce...you may get a few good websites and gather some info as well.


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## mae (Aug 17, 2009)

I guess the thought of an attorney scares me. I paid one once and they did nothing for me, just lied to me and took my money. What a waste. 

I think I just need to talk. This is just to kinda vent, I don't really need anyone to respond but if you'd like to you may.

I feel like I need to get a divorce but I don't want to. I love my husband and he says he loves me (I'm not so sure though). He is a jerk. He is often inconsiderate. A specific example: last weekend we went to a wedding. I had the baby and diaper bag and was wearing heels. He parked very far away from where we needed to be and then just started walking. He didn't ask if I needed help carrying anything, didn't even walk with me, he was practically running ahead. I don't get it. To me that's just rude. He does stuff like that all the time. He has gotted better at doing nice things but he's still a jacka$$ very often. 

He's also a very nervous person, very wound tight. He's always worried about things, mainly money. He also complains ALL the time. If I ever say I have a bad day he doesn't just say "that sucks honey" he has to go into how bad his day was. If I say I'm tired he has to go into how tired he is. It's like he's always trying to trump however I'm feeling instead of just being a sympathetic ear. It's so annoying! I very rarely complain but when I do I'd like to have someone I can talk to who won't try to "out do me" on how bad things are. 

He finds me unattractive and will very rarely compliment me. Also, his idea of a compliment is "your butt is starting to look good." How's that supposed to make me feel good? We've talked about this and he thinks that if you tell someone they look good when you don't think they do that they won't try to look better. I told him I'm not that way. If he gives me compliments I will try harder to look better for him and then I'll also know more about what he likes (like if he likes a certain outfit I'm wearing). He won't accept this and thinks that the only way to get someone to change something is to tell them what's wrong with them. So if he wants me to be skinny he needs to tell me how fat I am. Yeah, right. So I told him he's being a jerk.

All of this I actually feel like we can change and work around but then there are deeper issues I don't think we can work around. Those I actually posted in the religion section but he disagrees with my religion and I don't think we can get around that. We also have major disagreements with our daughter, like where she should go to school and how we should discipline her. He also is not sure he wants more kids, I KNOW I want more kids.

There's just SO MUCH wrong with our relationship. He makes me feel like crap so often. Then he turns around and does something sweet. We do get along mostly, but more on a roommate status and me walking on eggshells. 

One day I decide I want a divorce and the next I decide that maybe I should try to work it out. I'm all over the place. I don't know how to decide and when I do decide I'm overwhelmed by everything involved either way. My family totally supports me. I could go live with my sister and she would watch my daughter when I go to work. I would have to move and get a new job which I know wouldn't be a problem and I am 90% sure I would be happier. I just don't know.

The thought of being a single parent scares me. I am not used to being alone. I HATE sleeping alone. I'm just to scared to get a divorce and I guess that clouds my decision of if it's best or not. The ironic thing is I've been divorced before, the difference being I've never left anyone. They've always left me, so it was out of my control. Now it's in my control and I'm afraid I'll make the wrong discision. I don't know what to do.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

The things that you describe as being someting that you can change sound like the superficial parts of a relationship, the simple stuff. The hard stuff like raising an child, disciplining a child, religion, treatment and support of each other, maybe even believing in each other? is the stuff that NEEDs to be changed, but you express doubt on whether this can be. 

I am in no way saying that you should divorce as that solution is TERRIBLE!. But, you should probably continue to vent here and continue to describe how you feel in the situation. Bounce ideas off of individuals here. I know doing that has helped me immenseley. You will meet some fantastic, caring people here who are going through the same things as you. Counseling for at least yourself may be valuable, if not for both of you, if you can get him to go with you.

Have you ever had any discussions with him on how is actions make you feel and how you perceive the relationship? Knowing what his reaction is to your feelings toward him and the relationship and wheterh he takes this relationship seriously may be of great value to making your decision.


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## mae (Aug 17, 2009)

I've talked it over with him many times. He is very hard set in his ways and any conversation about how things are turn into what's wrong with me and how he does what he does because of me. He thinks I'm immature. He thinks I think with my heart too much and that I'm not "logical" about things. When I ask him what makes me "immature" he cannot say and he brings up things from 2 years ago (I made some bad decisions with finances but I have been great with finances for over 1 1/2 years now). 

He is willing to do MC, I just don't see how that can possibly resolve the deeper issues and I know that I would have to be the one to do all the leg work. Honestly I don't have that energy. I work about 50 hours per week and the rest of the time I'm a mom. I don't get any breaks.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

It bothers me that he makes you feel bad about your pain in the relationship. Reminds me of a quote I read and shared once:


> Nobody deserves your tears, and the one who does will never make you cry.


Do you think he doesn't take you seriously in what you say? Although I don't hear much positive from the outcome, as everyone says the go much too late for it to help, I would think you would have to try counseling. If not, living like you are is not going to get any better. You will end up being even angrier and more upset at him. You have to at least try. The divorce solution is harder emotionally than what you can imagine. I am sure you can set some definite items for each of you to do with the counselor. If he does not do them, its out of your hands. He did not take the issues seriously and you may have your answer then.


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