# I just want us to be happy as friends



## Re5.0

I don't have any friends, my husband has been my only friend for 12 years and now since we're getting divorced he doesn't even speak to me. Nor look my way, I still need my friend. I guess I'll have to find my own friends now. This is so 😔. I feel like I tore my family apart. I know that I was being neglected, and not understood by him but I thought we would of at least been able to be friends. I need some advice, I'm breaking down over here.


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## lifeistooshort

You're going to be divorced...you're not friends. He's going to move on with his life and a new woman is not going to accept his ex as his "friend", and when you find a new guy he won't like it either.

That's how divorces work. Do you want a guy who's "friends" and emotional support for his ex wife? It's poor boundaries and makes it harder to move on and heal.


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## Re5.0

lifeistooshort said:


> You're going to be divorced...you're not friends. He's going to move on with his life and a new woman is not going to accept his ex as his "friend", and when you find a new guy he won't like it either.
> 
> That's how divorces work. Do you want a guy who's "friends" and emotional support for his ex wife? It's poor boundaries and makes it harder to move on and heal.


Yeah, I know.


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## Re5.0

lifeistooshort said:


> You're going to be divorced...you're not friends. He's going to move on with his life and a new woman is not going to accept his ex as his "friend", and when you find a new guy he won't like it either.
> 
> That's how divorces work. Do you want a guy who's "friends" and emotional support for his ex wife? It's poor boundaries and makes it harder to move on and heal.


It's different for me because I don't have any friends unlike him. He was my only friend in this world. I have no support for this divorce. But I know what I have to do.


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## lifeistooshort

Re5.0 said:


> It's different for me because I don't have any friends unlike him. He was my only friend in this world. I have no support for this divorce. But I know what I have to do.


You need friends. No friends isn't healthy even when you are married.

Started with joining some clubs or meet up groups. What do you like to do? How about a running or walking club? They're everywhere.


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## Re5.0

lifeistooshort said:


> You need friends. No friends isn't healthy even when you are married.
> 
> Started with joining some clubs or meet up groups. What do you like to do? How about a running or walking club? They're everywhere.


Yes I plan on going to the lake tomorrow and walk around.


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## lifeistooshort

Re5.0 said:


> Yes I plan on going to the lake tomorrow and walk around.


Walking is good, but you need a club where you can meet people. Go to meetup.com.


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## Numb26

Do you have any hobbies? Maybe join a group for those hobbies. Volunteering is another great way to meet new friends.


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## Re5.0

Numb26 said:


> Do you have any hobbies? Maybe join a group for those hobbies. Volunteering is another great way to meet new friends.


Yeah, I just haven't been doing anything or getting out in since like forever so. It's long overdue.


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## Numb26

Re5.0 said:


> Yeah, I just haven't been doing anything or getting out in since like forever so. It's long overdue.


Once you get into the swing of doing things you used to do and thing you enjoy, you circle of friends will grow. I've was were you are when I got divorced.


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## DudeInProgress

Re5.0 said:


> I don't have any friends, my husband has been my only friend for 12 years and now since we're getting divorced he doesn't even speak to me. Nor look my way, I still need my friend. I guess I'll have to find my own friends now. This is so 😔. I feel like I tore my family apart. I know thY I was being neglected, and not understood by him buy I thought we would of at leat been able to be friends. I need some advice, I'm breaking down over here.


I’m sorry you’re hurting, and I’m sorry you 
didn’t recognize this all along. 

Of course he doesn’t want to remain friends with you. If the marriage is over , then it’s over. All of it.
You don’t get to end a marriage because of the untenable parts and still get to keep the parts YOU want or that benefit you. You don’t get to divorce but still receive the comfort, companionship and friendship on YOUR terms. I’m surprised anyone would even expect that would be a realistic possibility, especially if you’re were the one who decided to end the marriage.

I love my wife deeply. But there’s no way I’d ever remain “friends” with her if we divorced, other than hopefully remaining civil for the childrens sake. Not even a question or consideration.


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## Evinrude58

Why did you divorce and why don’t you have any friends?


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## AttaBoy

What I tell anyone I come in contact with who isn't where they want to be in life, socially or romantically, is this:
* Go places you want to be and you will meet people you want to be with.* 
It is an easy place to start and I have witnessed this simple first step transform people's lives. 
Whatever it is that you might like there are people out there that like it, too.


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## LATERILUS79

OP, I am painfully introverted. I do whatever I can to avoid people. That includes people I like!

I love riding my mountain bike. It's comforting being in the woods by myself. It's fun. It's a hard work out and I like the noises in the woods. 

All of my friends that live nearby me all ride bikes. Why? Because I met them on the trails in the woods. Some I tried to avoid because I didn't want to talk, but they eventually wore me down. Now these guys are some of my best friends in my life. 

My point is this: if I can make friends, anybody can. Go out and do whatever solitary hobby you enjoy doing. Some damn extrovert also likes to do it. Trust me. They'll start talking to you because they have to. That's what they do. You'll eventually make friends.


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## DownByTheRiver

Even if you have a full-time job, take a little part-time job that is easy and more or less fun where there will be other people around your age to make friends with. So like being a server at a restaurant or working Saturdays at a retail store. To make friends sometimes you just need to be around them every day. Another thing you should do is something like volunteering for a animal rescue, because there will be interaction between the rescuers you may end up with on weekends at a pet shop to adopt out the animals. 

The other thing you should do is get on the Nextdoor app and start interacting on it. It just uses your zip code and you join your own neighborhood online under your real name. Most of the talk is about neighborhood subjects. That's another way to become a animal rescuer too because there's always a need. From the app you can see when there are any community functions such as a little neighborhood parade or a community meeting at the local police division and attend those. 

You just need to get out in the real world and you need to get out in the context of some place where you will come into contact with the same people over and over again so you get to know them. Getting to know your neighbors is a obvious first step.


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## hamadryad

I think the advice that has been given is sound I guess the only part I disagree with is the part that suggests it's impossible for two people to remain friends after a divorce..

It happens. I know many couples who are divorced and not acrimonious. The key is it usually takes some time and the reason for the divorce. Sometimes people were just never intended to be in a romantic relationship together. There is no "good guy/bad guy" it just wasn't meant to be. In fact if there are kids involved, the last thing they need is uncooperative and angry parents. It's the worst case scenario for the kids. 

That being said, unfortunately you can't count on that. It may happen some time down the road, but generally not while the divorce is fresh. Start by doing some of the things mentioned. You may find that a new world exists for you that you didn't expect.


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## Young at Heart

Re5.0 said:


> Yeah, I just haven't been doing anything or getting out in since like forever so. It's long overdue.


Find some things to do that are totally outside of your normal comfort level. Stretch yourself to see if there are new horizons you might enjoy.

For example, a woman might go to a local gun range (most have ladies nights) and learn about firearm safety and how to shoot a firearm. Alternately take a class in fly fishing and how to cast a fly line.

You could also look up line dancing lessons at country western bars/clubs. You could take a local community college course on learning how to give massage or take up welding. Alternately, you could take a pole dancing or belly dancing fitness class.

The point is you will meet different kinds of people and when you start dating again and your date asks you want you like doing he will think you are far more complicated and interesting than other women he has dated. 

Now is the time to try much different things and reinvent yourself for the next man in your life.

Good luck.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

lifeistooshort said:


> You're going to be divorced...you're not friends. He's going to move on with his life and a new woman is not going to accept his ex as his "friend", and when you find a new guy he won't like it either.
> 
> That's how divorces work. Do you want a guy who's "friends" and emotional support for his ex wife? It's poor boundaries and makes it harder to move on and heal.


@Re5.0 
This is best advice.


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## TexasMom1216

Re5.0 said:


> It's different for me because I don't have any friends unlike him. He was my only friend in this world. I have no support for this divorce. But I know what I have to do.


I know it’s hard. Learn from your mistake and never make another person the center of your world again. It’s not healthy for you and makes you seem weak. Be independent and strong and don’t be in a spot where you “need” someone. It’s very unattractive and leads to be taken advantage of. You’ll be very pleasantly surprised at how strong you really are.


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## Re5.0

Evinrude58 said:


> Why did you divorce and why don’t you have any friends?


I'm divorcing because of many different reasons. He doesn't support me at all and helps with my kids bare minimum. Yes he works, recently reviewing finances I found out that I have been carrying my family while he sitting back buying shoes and jewelry


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## D0nnivain

Re5.0 it's time for you to rebuild a life. You don't have to be enemies with your stbx but he can't be your sole emotional support anymore either. 

In the short term, get into therapy. You need somebody to talk to about all this deep stuff right now. You can't wait to build up a genuine friendship to the point where you can talk about such personal, emotion-laden stuff. 

Next set about building some bridges. Are the mom's of any of your kids' friends approachable? Can you join something to have membership in a group as a common interest? Reach back before your marriage & try to rekindle a friendship that you previously let slide.


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## Re5.0

DownByTheRiver said:


> Even if you have a full-time job, take a little part-time job that is easy and more or less fun where there will be other people around your age to make friends with. So like being a server at a restaurant or working Saturdays at a retail store. To make friends sometimes you just need to be around them every day. Another thing you should do is something like volunteering for a animal rescue, because there will be interaction between the rescuers you may end up with on weekends at a pet shop to adopt out the animals.
> 
> The other thing you should do is get on the Nextdoor app and start interacting on it. It just uses your zip code and you join your own neighborhood online under your real name. Most of the talk is about neighborhood subjects. That's another way to become a animal rescuer too because there's always a need. From the app you can see when there are any community functions such as a little neighborhood parade or a community meeting at the local police division and attend those.
> 
> You just need to get out in the real world and you need to get out in the context of some place where you will come into contact with the same people over and over again so you get to know them. Getting to know your neighbors is a obvious first step.


Yes, i most definitely am considering a side job. Thanks, I just have this thing about not trusting the intentions of friendship. Some friends want a free babysitter or always want to borrow money or something


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## D0nnivain

To have a good friend you need to be a good friend. Everybody has their own issues but if you are suspicious of the motives of everyone who tries to befriend you, life will be lonely indeed. Have strong boundaries. It's OK to say "no" when asked for a favor.


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## Re5.0

TexasMom1216 said:


> I know it’s hard. Learn from your mistake and never make another person the center of your world again. It’s not healthy for you and makes you seem weak. Be independent and strong and don’t be in a spot where you “need” someone. It’s very unattractive and leads to be taken advantage of. You’ll be very pleasantly surprised at how strong you really are.


Yes, I have always been an independent woman and I haven't had friends since high school. It's just we talked and now he's always angry and turns everything into an argument. He keeps mentioning how he wants to take the dogs and when I mentioned how are we going to share custody of the 2 children, he says he don't know. That **** makes me soo angry. Fk the dogs what we gone do about these kids 😢


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## Re5.0

D0nnivain said:


> To have a good friend you need to be a good friend. Everybody has their own issues but if you are suspicious of the motives of everyone who tries to befriend you, life will be lonely indeed. Have strong boundaries. It's OK to say "no" when asked for a favor.


Yes indeed, I will try to open up more.


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## TexasMom1216

Re5.0 said:


> Yes, i most definitely am considering a side job. Thanks, I just have this thing about not trusting the intentions of friendship. Some friends want a free babysitter or always want to borrow money or something


This is definitely not working in your favor. People can sense when you’re suspicious of them. It makes you seem distant and unapproachable. (Ask me how I know 😉). It’s really hard to be vulnerable because you WILL get hurt, but that’s the price you pay to find friends. If someone is just using you, you’ll figure it out very quickly. Be brave, fortune favors the bold. ❤


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## Re5.0

D0nnivain said:


> Re5.0 it's time for you to rebuild a life. You don't have to be enemies with your stbx but he can't be your sole emotional support anymore either.
> 
> In the short term, get into therapy. You need somebody to talk to about all this deep stuff right now. You can't wait to build up a genuine friendship to the point where you can talk about such personal, emotion-laden stuff.
> 
> Next set about building some bridges. Are the mom's of any of your kids' friends approachable? Can you join something to have membership in a group as a common interest? Reach back before your marriage & try to rekindle a friendship that you previously let slide.


Yes, I'm in therapy now. I just wish I had that one go to person on a personal level. I lost her in 2019(my mother)


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## Re5.0

TexasMom1216 said:


> This is definitely not working in your favor. People can sense when you’re suspicious of them. It makes you seem distant and unapproachable. (Ask me how I know 😉). It’s really hard to be vulnerable because you WILL get hurt, but that’s the price you pay to find friends. If someone is just using you, you’ll figure it out very quickly. Be brave, fortune favors the bold. ❤


When I go on vacations or anywhere it's so easy to talk to new people, I never just to to the point to transfer information. It's more of a great talking with you and have a great life. I know it's sad.


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## TexasMom1216

Re5.0 said:


> Yes, I have always been an independent woman and I haven't had friends since high school. It's just we talked and now he's always angry and turns everything into an argument. He keeps mentioning how he wants to take the dogs and when I mentioned how are we going to share custody of the 2 children, he says he don't know. That **** makes me soo angry. Fk the dogs what we gone do about these kids 😢


Divorce is so awful. He is lashing out because he’s hurt, his ego is smarting. It’s not an excuse, it’s a reason. Especially when it’s new and fresh it’s not surprising he’s so angry. If I were you I’d let the attorneys talk it out and limit contact as much as you can. I don’t know how possible that is, though.


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## Re5.0

TexasMom1216 said:


> I know it’s hard. Learn from your mistake and never make another person the center of your world again. It’s not healthy for you and makes you seem weak. Be independent and strong and don’t be in a spot where you “need” someone. It’s very unattractive and leads to be taken advantage of. You’ll be very pleasantly surprised at how strong you really are.


Yes, I will always put myself at the center of my world. Because how can I be the best person and mom if I can't be the best version of me ❤


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## TexasMom1216

Re5.0 said:


> When I go on vacations or anywhere it's so easy to talk to new people, I never just to to the point to transfer information. It's more of a great talking with you and have a great life. I know it's sad.


Same. I’m never brave enough to ask for someone’s contact info. I lack the confidence. It’s so scary to put yourself out there. My H makes friends easily, but he sort of assumes people want to be his friend and asks for their info and reaches out. It works for him, he has a ton of friends.


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## TexasMom1216

Re5.0 said:


> Yes, I will always put myself at the center of my world. Because how can I be the best person and mom if I can't be the best version of me ❤


You matter too. It’s hard to learn that, society teaches us we don’t count. But we do. We are every bit as valuable as they are.


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## D0nnivain

I'm sorry about your mom. Glad you are in therapy. Opening up more is good, especially because you have been closed off for so long but don't open up too much too fast. It will take years to build an intimate friendship. It doesn't happen over night. When you go too fast, when you over share too early, that is when you get in trouble.

For now you are looking for somebody to hand out with to have a good time. Somebody that you can sit & chill with. Don't try to make a new person your instant BFF.

Again, don't try to build something with a stranger. Instead focus on somebody you see regularly, through your kids' activities, at church, at work, a neighbor etc. Find reasons to talk to them in person & then after a few chats, say something like "hey can I get your #?" Again wait a beat or two then call them to get together for coffee.


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## Re5.0

TexasMom1216 said:


> Divorce is so awful. He is lashing out because he’s hurt, his ego is smarting. It’s not an excuse, it’s a reason. Especially when it’s new and fresh it’s not surprising he’s so angry. If I were you I’d let the attorneys talk it out and limit contact as much as you can. I don’t know how possible that is, though.


It's not possible, we live together and have kids. He said he's moving out but rent is so high everywhere idk. I honestly wish we could live together in separate bedrooms and Co parent but he said that If we are not together we can't be together so. That's is that.


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## TRy

Re5.0 said:


> I'm divorcing because of many different reasons. He doesn't support me at all and helps with my kids bare minimum. Yes he works, recently reviewing finances I found out that I have been carrying my family while he sitting back buying shoes and jewelry


You have known your husband for 12 years, got pregnant with the 2nd child and married after the first 5 years, and yet keep say they are “my kids” and “my family”. Are neither of the kids his children? Did he or you cheat?

You also say “my house”, and you now say that you have been carrying all the bills. Your husband has been married for 7 years but is not close to the children. You and your husband have never been a real couple.

There is a reason that you have no friends and that your husband is not part of “your family”. You need to get therapy to find out why.


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## Re5.0

TexasMom1216 said:


> You matter too. It’s hard to learn that, society teaches us we don’t count. But we do. We are every bit as valuable as they are.


Yes, we matter. Our feelings matter. He once told me that my feelings didn't matter when it came to me arguing with his friend. He said that I should have never stated my opinion. I think I was done with him at that time. How the he'll do you tell your wife and the mom of your kids that her feelings don't matter? When I walk out the house I considered his feelings because if what I wore. If my jeans were too tight or shorts showing too much thighs, I wouldn't put it on because I was doing what "considering how he felt" no matter how good I looked. 😆


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## TexasMom1216

Re5.0 said:


> It's not possible, we live together and have kids. He said he's moving out but rent is so high everywhere idk. I honestly wish we could live together in separate bedrooms and Co parent but he said that If we are not together we can't be together so. That's is that.


I’m so sorry, that’s tough. On you and the kids. It would be nice if the relationship could morph into co-parents but I don’t think that usually works out when one person is very angry. Was there infidelity?


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## Re5.0

TRy said:


> You have known your husband for 12 years, got pregnant with the 2nd child and married after the first 5 years, and yet keep say they are “my kids” and “my family”. Are neither of the kids his children? Did he or you cheat?
> 
> You also say “my house”, and you now say that you have been carrying all the bills. Your husband has been married for 7 years but is not close to the children. You and your husband have never been a real couple.
> 
> There is a reason that you have no friends and that your husband is not part of “your family”. You need to get therapy to find out why.


No the kids are ours, I say may because I do everything from the schools to the doctor office without the support from him. It's my house now since he's leaving, we have been married 7 years but the children will walk past him and ask me for whatever. That's why there is so much of MY MY MY, these are our children but for one thing I have NEVER out anyone nor anything over my kids but he has indeed. So that's why they are mine. I am in therapy, that goes so far. You have to change your way of living in order for therapy to be successful. I'm doing that now and I'm just hurting.


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## Re5.0

D0nnivain said:


> I'm sorry about your mom. Glad you are in therapy. Opening up more is good, especially because you have been closed off for so long but don't open up too much too fast. It will take years to build an intimate friendship. It doesn't happen over night. When you go too fast, when you over share too early, that is when you get in trouble.
> 
> For now you are looking for somebody to hand out with to have a good time. Somebody that you can sit & chill with. Don't try to make a new person your instant BFF.
> 
> Again, don't try to build something with a stranger. Instead focus on somebody you see regularly, through your kids' activities, at church, at work, a neighbor etc. Find reasons to talk to them in person & then after a few chats, say something like "hey can I get your #?" Again wait a beat or two then call them to get together for coffee.


Yes, I will try that. I like the idea of opening up to people I know already


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## Re5.0

TexasMom1216 said:


> I’m so sorry, that’s tough. On you and the kids. It would be nice if the relationship could morph into co-parents but I don’t think that usually works out when one person is very angry. Was there infidelity?


No, there was no infidelity. Just broken promises and disappointments.


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## Re5.0

lifeistooshort said:


> Walking is good, but you need a club where you can meet people. Go to meetup.com.


OK, I enjoy meeting people in person. It's not hard for me at all to talk to people. Just to ask for their information, I think it was because I didn't want ruffle feathers because I genuinely connect with men. Idk why, I have always been this way.


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## TexasMom1216

Re5.0 said:


> No, there was no infidelity. Just broken promises and disappointments.


It’s really hard when you’re the only one in the marriage. It didn’t sustainable. I’m sure he’s very angry and it’s really unpleasant.


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## lifeistooshort

Re5.0 said:


> OK, I enjoy meeting people in person. It's not hard for me at all to talk to people. Just to ask for their information, I think it was because I didn't want ruffle feathers because I genuinely connect with men. Idk why, I have always been this way.


Ok, let's talk about this woman to woman. In my experience women who claim they connect with men find other women threatening and don't want to compete with them. They want attention from men and don't want other women around.

This isn't healthy. You need women friends.....they can understand and support you in ways men can't. And men with a woman in their life are not a suitable "friend" for another woman. When you meet another guy do you want him emotionally supporting female "friends"? It's poor boundaries and you won't be trusted by women if you're sniffing out male friends.

Don't get me wrong....I think the world of the men in my life but during my divorce it was the women who supported me and had my back. That's as it should be....I'm not going to sniff out support from other women's bf's or hb's. 

Get yourself sone female friends.


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## Re5.0

D0nnivain said:


> Re5.0 it's time for you to rebuild a life. You don't have to be enemies with your stbx but he can't be your sole emotional support anymore either.
> 
> In the short term, get into therapy. You need somebody to talk to about all this deep stuff right now. You can't wait to build up a genuine friendship to the point where you can talk about such personal, emotion-laden stuff.
> 
> Next set about building some bridges. Are the mom's of any of your kids' friends approachable? Can you join something to have membership in a group as a common interest? Reach back before your marriage & try to rekindle a friendship that you previously let slide.





lifeistooshort said:


> Ok, let's talk about this woman to woman. In my experience women who claim they connect with men find other women threatening and don't want to compete with them. They want attention from men and don't want other women around.
> 
> This isn't healthy. You need women friends.....they can understand and support you in ways men can't. And men with a woman in their life are not a suitable "friend" for another woman. When you meet another guy do you want him emotionally supporting female "friends"? It's poor boundaries and you won't be trusted by women if you're sniffing out male friends.
> 
> Don't get me wrong....I think the world of the men in my life but during my divorce it was the women who supported me and had my back. That's as it should be....I'm not going to sniff out support from other women's bf's or hb's.
> 
> Get yourself sone female friends.


I can totally agree with this. But i know I am only in competition with myself, I find men more easy to talk to and get along with. Women get attention from women as well, I'm not against having a female for a friend, I'm OK with both.


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## BeyondRepair007

Re5.0 said:


> I'm divorcing because of many different reasons. He doesn't support me at all and helps with my kids bare minimum. Yes he works, recently reviewing finances I found out that I have been carrying my family while he sitting back buying shoes and jewelry


I'm glad you're taking this positive step to get your life back.

But, as others have said, move forward without him. Don't try to keep him as a friend. It's hard, but divorce sucks and this is just what it costs. You need that separation from him to make your life your own and put the past in the past.

Best of luck going forward Re. Will that soon be Re6.0 ?


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## DownByTheRiver

Re5.0 said:


> Yes, i most definitely am considering a side job. Thanks, I just have this thing about not trusting the intentions of friendship. Some friends want a free babysitter or always want to borrow money or something


Well you have to have boundaries. I have never once had a friend asked me to babysit and I am 69 years old, and that's because they know I like animals better than children!

Don't ever lend money to friends. You can even lose a friend doing the right thing and chipping in with other friends to help with medical bills I found out. One of my friends lost a kidney a couple of years ago and all his friends chipped in and ever since then he won't accept a lunch invitation. I'm afraid he may think that he would be expected to pay for it because of the donation or something.


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## Re5.0

DownByTheRiver said:


> Well you have to have boundaries. I have never once had a friend asked me to babysit and I am 69 years old, and that's because they know I like animals better than children!
> 
> Don't ever lend money to friends. You can even lose a friend doing the right thing and chipping in with other friends to help with medical bills I found out. One of my friends lost a kidney a couple of years ago and all his friends chipped in and ever since then he won't accept a lunch invitation. I'm afraid he may think that he would be expected to pay for it because of the donation or something.


Wow, well your friends know you. Nowadays people will let anyone watch their children for free. That's crazy how he won't even excuse an lunch invite.


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## Re5.0

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I'm glad you're taking this positive step to get your life back.
> 
> But, as others have said, move forward without him. Don't try to keep him as a friend. It's hard, but divorce sucks and this is just what it costs. You need that separation from him to make your life your own and put the past in the past.
> 
> Best of luck going forward Re. Will that soon be Re6.0 ?


Thank you, will be Re10.0 💯


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## DownByTheRiver

Re5.0 said:


> Wow, well your friends know you. Nowadays people will let anyone watch their children for free. That's crazy how he won't even excuse an lunch invite.


I think he just feels indebted and doesn't realize his old friends don't want the donation back, but man, if I'd known he'd never go to lunch with me again, I might still have an occasional lunch buddy. I'm going to try again soon though.


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## Re5.0

DownByTheRiver said:


> I think he just feels indebted and doesn't realize his old friends don't want the donation back, but man, if I'd known he'd never go to lunch with me again, I might still have an occasional lunch buddy. I'm going to try again soon though.


Yes, people have so much going on in life and days months years past by. Keep trying.


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