# I`m about to get married. I really need an advice.



## ElTan (Jul 18, 2017)

Recently I came to conclusion that i have to share my story to get your point of view.
I am about to get married in two months.
But there is a problem.
3 years ago me and my spouse went through gigantic crisis.

That was the time when she insisted on getting engaged. I wasn`t exactly sure about it.
I dated some really nice chick few times in 2 months (like once in 2 weeks). There was very high sexual tension between me and this girl. We kissed, but nothing more. In my mind – there is this line I wouldn`t break. I wanted to know – if I`m able to resist the temptation to do more (this girl was the hottest I`ve ever dated). I resisted and I after that I knew I would be able to resist any temptation and I`m ready to get married.
I have to mention that relationship with my girlfriend was already 3 years long and I am her first real boyfriend – she lost virginity with me and she is very delicate girl who needs big amount of tenderness.
In that time I had the feeling I need more time for myself – to meet with some friends. I felt that I had more space. To make it clear – I didn`t want the time because of any other girl.

I talked about it with her, and she said that her mother wants her to move to her cousin (she comes from religious family – her mother doesn`t approve sex before marriage). So she moved there, but we were seeing each other many times in a week.
In that time I was coming home exhausted and wanted to do some physical exercise and after that I wanted to spend some time with her, but the amount of tenderness lowered significantly.
Unfortunately, my girlfriend also met someone. To be concrete – she didn`t knew about my secret, but as she later said she felt something was wrong.

One day - I was in the club with my friends – she called me and I answered after 1 hour. She was extremely worried, so I took taxi and went home. When I got home she was lying in bed crying. I was a bit drunk, but after a short talk we made sex. As it appeared later, she gave number to this guy, she met at her cousin`s that day.
I don`t remember exactly when but she told me someone wanted her number, but when I asked if she gave the number she denied.
In the time she was dating him she wouldn`t talk much to me. But when we got to bed she wanted to hug, but I was angry that she don`t want to talk so I didn`t want to hug her. We had no sex.
Week later before I went to work we argued and she cried. She was about to drive home (she is from small town 150 km away) so I rang her 15 minutes later when I was waiting on bus stop to make her less nervous.
We spoke next day on the phone. She said she is coming back on Sunday to go to her female friends from school to learn before exam and she will probably come home late in the night.
I didn`t see anything suspicious – I trusted her completely.
She rang me when getting on the bus.
I wasn`t expecting anything. She would always call me before going to sleep if I didn`t call her first.
We were a bit in argument so I didn`t call her till 12:00 PM. Then, I called twice (which I`ve never done before) and she didn`t answer.
I couldn`t sleep but I said to myself that I won`t call again.
I called in the morning, but still there was no answer, 
Finally she called explaining that she saw my call late and didn’t want to wake me up and that she just got home. I was very nervous and asked if she loves me. She didn`t reply and said that we need to talk.
After work I literally ran by my own feet to see her. Then bam! She told me she needs a two weeks break in our relationship. I went into tears and started to beg her. She agreed that we are still together but we won`t talk for three days. I felt that distance between us. But on my way out I asked her if she loves me and she said yes, then I kissed her for goodbye. On my way out I noticed flowers.

Three days later when we met, she wasn`t speaking at all. I was very nervous, because I desperately didn`t want to lose her. I prepared romantic evening. She kept telling me she needs a break. I was very nervous. When I tried to hug her I and convince her to be with me she was getting away, crying and saying she wants a break. I couldn`t do anything. Finally she agreed that we are still together and I went with her to bus stop. When she was leaving she said that in the end everyone will do what they want to do.

Two days later I got message from her cousin (she was a female) that my GF is dating behind my back. I got furious. I went straight to her and asked what`s going on. She told me she was doing nothing wrong and that she was simply seeing someone without doing anything wrong. She was not like herself, hardly able to say anything. I asked if it`s the end – she nodded. I thanked for 3 years with her, went to drink myself to death. She was calling me – I didn`t answer, sent sms that she want`s to come to my place for some things (she wanted to talk I think), but I refused.

That night I had a dream in which she was ****ing the other guy. That destroyed me. I went berserk.
I texted her that if nothing really happened what should be still together. She replied that nothing happened. She was at school so I wanted to come for her. She told me earlier that her sister will get her from school. An hour before the end of her lectures she texted me she`s already at home and invited me. 
I went there with flowers, but when I came she already had other flowers. As it appeared they were from the other guy who was waiting for her as she says for a whole day at the school, and drove her home (as I became aware later – the guy also feared that she will not see him so he desperately wanted to get her).
After that she went home (that home 150km away) and after a week decided to move back to me.
We talked and she guaranteed that I know about everything – that nothing happened etc.
I was very furious about the whole situation and told her that if she is my girlfriend we have to make sex. She accepted it and we had first sex in 3 weeks. After that I felt that she is more mine again, the distance between us fade away. She began calling me as she always would.
When she slept with I checked her billing history, and she was texting this guy a lot. A hell lot.
Again I got completely mad and crushed. 
What brought my attention – when I got her phone she got furious and literally jump onto me and wrenched the phone back. I remember that I saw her like that for the first time.
After that I told her that she needs to end this with him and want to see it. She accepted but wouldn`t agree that I can see it.
I went with her to his house. He texted her on our way to buy some bread. I thought It was really weird. I waited for an hour for her to get back (this mother****er didn`t know that i`m waiting downstairs. She came back and looked like she was crying. As I said she is very delicate girl.
She said that “they parted”. It extremely weird to me. How could she part with him if she wasn`t with him? I know that friends can part but it was extremely suspicious. Whatismore, when I hugged her I felt perfume on her neck. She told me that he hugged her for 5 seconds when saying goodbye.
What brought my attention – when going there she was like always with me, but after she went back she a bit cold and angry.
I started asking her again and again because I had this gut feeling that something is not right.
I was totally crushed.
She even sweared by the child of her sister in front of altar in church that I know everything and that she didn`t do anything wrong.
But I still had doubts. She is really innocent looking girl. When she was telling me that she didn`t do anything it made me less nervous.
She even called this guy on the phone and asked if he kissed her and he denied (She called because I wanted to). I felt great relief at that moment.

Later I was still bothered.
I wanted to meet with him and her together. She was arranging it but suddenly I said ok let`s not meet. 

Because I have some knowledge about computers I discovered that she has a secret email.
When I discovered it I was completely destroyed, tore into pieces, again.
It came out that even after telling goodbye this she was still messaging with him.
The truth came out. I discovered that she had a secret phone number.

I discovered that she told him that she will call him with me standing next to me. She even told him that after this phone I told her that “it looked reliably”.

I`ve read all the messages like a thousand times. There was no direct indication of sex. They were sending each other rather innocent messages with some songs. And they were talking about texts of those songs.

What really bothered me, she sent one song with erotic text, but in the message she wrote this song reminds her of someone else. The title of this song was “Nothing smells like you”. He replied quoting “Nothing smells like you” and saying that he agrees in 100%.
In other message she quoted text from another song called “secret” about holding neck and she wrote that is resembles her “some moments”.
WTF???

There were also messages about the meeting on which insisted and that didn`t happen.
I told her that when we all met I want to her to ask him “what do you think about our first kiss”.
I also wanted her to ask him about sex but she didn`t want to do it.
In the messages she was begging him for help “for the last time”.
She told him the question that she is about to ask and told him to say that he doesn`t know anything about it. She also wrote him to say that she didn`t allow anything between them.

As you expect after reading all this I lost my mind. I didn`t know anything. I was sleeping 4 hours a day. Waking up with the thought “she lies to you”, couldn`t stop thinking about it.
It is crazy but deep inside I felt that she didn`t have sex with him, because when I first asked her about it she was very calm and smiled to me saying no. I felt that it was truth. But I also didn’t` see anything suspicious when she said some lies to me.
What made me do investigating was the fact that when I once asked her how was the first kiss with him she clearly looked like she remembered something.

After few weeks of disaster I told her (I really loved her and love her now) that the only way is to go to a polygraph and she agreed without hesitation. I told her that she needs to tell me everything before going there. She told me that he kissed her once, she was very surprised and didn`t return kiss, got away and felt she wanted to puke. He massaged her neck once and kissed her in the neck once and touched her leg for a moment.
She told me that she was meeting him because saw nothing wrong with that and she liked him, and that she knew he wouldn`t do anything because he was a ***** and was literarily shaking before her. She liked how much the guy was after her and she was curious because no one ever was so trying so hard to get her and it was fun for her to treat him like puppet. She said that she knows that it was cruel but she told him not to expect anything but he still wouldn`t let go so it was fun for her. She was alleviating her ego, because he was doing everything she wanted him to do (I wasn`t). He also told her that he loves her after a week which she found very funny and weird for her.

The polygraph questions were: 
did you have any sexual relations with other man than [me] in past 3 years, 
did you kissed more than one time with any other man than [me] in past 3 years, 
did you have petting with any other man than [me] in past 3 years, 
did you have any contact with [this guy] after [certain date]. 

The result was: innocent for the first 3 questions, and inconclusive for the last one, but it was my fault because she didn`t remember specific date on which she had last time texted him and told it during the examination.

It may sound crazy but after that we engaged. She is the most delicate girl I`ve ever known. When we started dating she was so shy, she hid after me when meeting my friends for the first time. Once we were at the party where one of the girls cheated on her boyfriend and when my girlfriend saw that she cried (this was before this whole **** story).
I know she is a good person and really love her so I thought to myself that everyone makes mistakes and if nothing physical happened I can get over it, so I proposed and she was very happy, cried and went speechless. I know she loves me.

Despite the polygraph, I still have doubts. There were good times and bad times. She has answered my questions for a long time. Every day I think about it really often. She was exhausted that she ended in hospital with serious headache. Fortunately it was only headache, she`s healthy.

Recently we went to pre marriage meetings and when speaking to the priest I began to feel extreme doubts, that are paralyzing me – it`s one of the most important decisions in life. I`m not sure If I can trust her, and since this is the most important thing in marriage I feel that I might not be able to do this.

On one side – polygraph showed me she was faithful sexually. I wonder how many girls in similar situations would stay loyal sexually – I think very few. On the other side I can`t forget all the bull****. What concerns me the most – why before spending the night at his place she wanted to hug, and after argument with me she went to him, spent the night and then wanted the break and wouldn`t let me hug her, and only after having sex with me after 2 weeks break, she started acting normally, and distance between us started to disappear. It is really dissolving me from the inside.

She completely destroyed trust that I had in her in that time – for three times. I couldn`t end it. It was way beyond everything I could imagine, everything I knew was that I can`t let her go. I`m a person for whom trusting someone is rather hard. Last three years there were times when had peace in my mind. But most of the time i`m wondering what if something happened and she managed to hide it. Every time I think I see any signs of dishonesty I feel very bad pain. I can`t do anything about it.

I really love her, I think I can`t live without her, she is probably the love of my life, but I don`t know if there is any point in getting married, because it can cause a disaster in the future. I wanted to postpone the marriage but she said if not now then never (we are about to get married in 2 months).

What do you think about it? What you think happened there? Is it worth trying? I must say that I would never want to be with girl who had any sexual relation behind my back.


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

"It may sound crazy but after that we engaged."

Yes. That absolutely sounds crazy (but since when is love ever rational...?)


Wow. That's some story. Only marry this woman if you want a lifetime full of drama. And if you already had doubts about the marriage while meeting with the priest, I'd be absolutely sure that you work these doubts out before you get married... (That goes for anyone, not just her)


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Doesn't sound like either one of you is anywhere near ready for marriage, so I'm gonna say don't get married.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are you and your fiancé?

You are in too much turmoil to get married. If you marry her, things will only get worse with time.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Buddy you have alarms ringing off in your head.....if you have ANY DOUBT you so SHOULD NOT be getting married....why she may not have slept with him (even that is doubtful) she is certainly demonstrated that she will be deceitful, so that alone tells you that you can not build a marriage of trust. This is all on you...if you go through with this, don't blame her, you knew what you were getting into.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I don't know how old you are but neither one of you sounds mature enough to be married. Don't do it at least yet.


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## ElTan (Jul 18, 2017)

I`m 30 and she is 27. That`s what I`m thinking.


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## ElTan (Jul 18, 2017)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Buddy you have alarms ringing off in your head.....if you have ANY DOUBT you so SHOULD NOT be getting married....why she may not have slept with him (even that is doubtful) she is certainly demonstrated that she will be deceitful, so that alone tells you that you can not build a marriage of trust. This is all on you...if you go through with this, don't blame her, you knew what you were getting into.


That is exactly what I`m thinking. Thanks. In some ways "life is a ***** and then you die..."


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@ElTan

You say that you love her and feel that you cannot live without her.

I think that you love who thought she was. And that's not who she is. That's why you struggle so much with this.

If you end this relationship, you will get over her. Then you will be able to date others and find someone who is not deceitful and who truly cares for you enough to not hurt you.

Look at the link to the "180" in my signature block below. I suggest that you breakup with her and then follow the 180. This will help you recover more quickly.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

She doesn't make you happy, so don't marry her. Its really that simple.

The line "I was a bit drunk and made her do sex with me." is worrisome. I hope its just a language issue but that could be interpreted as meaning rape.


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## ElTan (Jul 18, 2017)

uhtred said:


> She doesn't make you happy, so don't marry her. Its really that simple.
> 
> The line "I was a bit drunk and made her do sex with me." is worrisome. I hope its just a language issue but that could be interpreted as meaning rape.


Thanks for reading. Before the whole story we always enjoyed sex. She always wanted to make love with me, even to the extent that I felt it was too much. Buddy it`s ridiculous I would never rape. Don`t say this again cause it`s completely not true.


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## ElTan (Jul 18, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> @ElTan
> 
> You say that you love her and feel that you cannot live without her.
> 
> ...


Thanks. That`s what i finally began to think recently.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

ElTan said:


> Thanks for reading. Before the whole story we always enjoyed sex. She always wanted to make love with me, even to the extent that I felt it was too much. Buddy it`s ridiculous I would never rape. Don`t say this again cause it`s completely not true.


Don't get all up on your high horse and act all indignant because someone questioned a comment *YOU* made that you "*made her do sex."* I got the same impression as the poster who questioned you about this statement. I actually stopped reading after that part because it was too hard trying to understand that long mess of words. So, good luck to you.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Don't get all up on your high horse and act all indignant because someone questioned a comment *YOU* made that you "*made her do sex."* I got the same impression as the poster who questioned you about this statement. I actually stopped reading after that part because it was too hard trying to understand that long mess of words. So, good luck to you.


I think ELTan is from overseas (Asia somewhere) and this has got lost in the translation, this is not what he meant I believe.

EITan, I will point out that you 'cheated' first and wanted some space. I am sure this affected her deeply and she probably knew you were up to something out drinking with your friends on a regular basis. She has now done exactly the same thing to you, it's a bit 'tit for tat'. To my mind neither of you are mature enough for marriage, there is too much drama.

How come you want her so much now when before you wanted space? You are a bit like a dog with a bone, when another dog comes along and takes it.

I suggest you take a break from your GF perhaps permanently, this is no way to start a marriage.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

You may be good for each other - I can't tell. But if you are not ready for marriage, at least in the US, then you should postpone until you are ready. My niece who is very religious, postponed her marriage 2 or 3 times - even after invitations went out - because something had not been resolved in their relationship. They did marry and I think are having a second child and are very happy.

In the US you would be advised to postpone things and work it out. If that's true where you are, but she's unwilling to, then she's giving an unreasonable ultimatum and that would worry me. OTOH if postponing would cause her or her family to culturally lose face then there may be valid considerations


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Dont do it. You'll be sorry, guaranteed.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

With what you have going on in the background it would be very hard to recommend marriage to you. Just for the record I think marriage is always a bad idea for men. Men become so vulnerable financially in marriage where at any whim your new wife could decide to divorce you and take half your money. Letting someone like your girlfriend as unstable as she seems to be have access to half of your money would be unwise.


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## cynthiaow2 (Jul 18, 2017)

Do not get married ,you aren't ready! 
Moving forward you need to work on a couple of things for your own good, honestly I'm quite surprised this girl agreed to marry you because I wouldn't ! 

WHY??

I would not marry a guy who drags me to an imaginary boyfriend's house to break up with him while he waits downstairs. 

I would not marry a guy that feels insecure and has trust issues 
I would not marry a guy that secretly goes through my phone, who are you? FBI?

I would not marry a guy who makes me call another guy in front of him ,are you my Dad or what? 
It appears to me like an abusive relationship ,I hope I'm wrong. You do sound like a good person but in most of the situations your approach was wrong .please Work on yourself because no experienced girl will entertain such a controlling behavior, your girlfriend put up with this because she was obviously green and scared of you. 

It will be helpful in your future relationship if you learn to forgive and let things go cuz there's no Angel out there waiting for you, we're all sinners by default.
You do know that you brought this on yourself , you asked the girl to give you SPACE , for what? You created a vacuum that needed to be filled and that was the guy was doing. 




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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Run forest run. 

Then run a little farther and don't look back EVER!


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## ElTan (Jul 18, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Don't get all up on your high horse and act all indignant because someone questioned a comment *YOU* made that you "*made her do sex."* I got the same impression as the poster who questioned you about this statement. I actually stopped reading after that part because it was too hard trying to understand that long mess of words. So, good luck to you.


There was a time that I was dating some different girls. I learned what to do to make a girl make love to you. By saying what you quoted I didn`t mean anything close to forcing her to make love to me. I`m from Europe, so maybe I chose a bad word. What i wanted to say, what is on my mind was the fact that she was crying and maybe I should have talked to her more that evening, but i was drunk and a bit horny so I started to arouse her sexually and we made love. She didn`t have anything against it.
I had the thought that later she could`ve thought that I`m some kind of a caveman and I don`t care for her feelings and just want to have sex if you know what I mean...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ElTan said:


> I`m 30 and she is 27. That`s what I`m thinking.


You are both very immature for those ages and nowhere near ready for marriage. You have both proved that you can't be trusted and that you have lied to and deceived each other.


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## ElTan (Jul 18, 2017)

aine said:


> I think ELTan is from overseas (Asia somewhere) and this has got lost in the translation, this is not what he meant I believe.
> 
> EITan, I will point out that you 'cheated' first and wanted some space. I am sure this affected her deeply and she probably knew you were up to something out drinking with your friends on a regular basis. She has now done exactly the same thing to you, it's a bit 'tit for tat'. To my mind neither of you are mature enough for marriage, there is too much drama.
> 
> ...


We were spending a lot of time together. As I said she needs very huge amount of tenderness. 
I was giving her lots lots lots of tenderness in the beginning. She was a virgin. I think this is the case in every relationship that was extremely close in the beginning, that at some time you realize that you want to spend more time at your things. A like seeing friends, I do some music. I just felt that i needed more time for myself. I didn`t think at all that I wanted her less in my life, it`s just that we were living in one room and i`m the individualist kind of a man. I like spending time alone - I can focus better, but she would spend all the time with me. It`s simple as that.
I must note that I don`t like going to clubs so much and I go there very rarely.


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## ElTan (Jul 18, 2017)

TheTruthHurts said:


> In the US you would be advised to postpone things and work it out. If that's true where you are, but she's unwilling to, then she's giving an unreasonable ultimatum and that would worry me. OTOH if postponing would cause her or her family to culturally lose face then there may be valid considerations


That`s exactly the case. She is from small town where words spread fast. She`s catholic, and certainly it`s difficult situation for her.


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## ElTan (Jul 18, 2017)

jb02157 said:


> With what you have going on in the background it would be very hard to recommend marriage to you. Just for the record I think marriage is always a bad idea for men. Men become so vulnerable financially in marriage where at any whim your new wife could decide to divorce you and take half your money. Letting someone like your girlfriend as unstable as she seems to be have access to half of your money would be unwise.


I am aware of the problem. But there are marriage contracts...


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## ElTan (Jul 18, 2017)

cynthiaow2 said:


> Do not get married ,you aren't ready!
> Moving forward you need to work on a couple of things for your own good, honestly I'm quite surprised this girl agreed to marry you because I wouldn't !
> 
> WHY??
> ...


Don`t get me wrong, but i think that trust doesn`t come for free. Before this incident I was far from being suspicious. In the beginning I checked her phone few times (like once in a few months) to see if she is true to me, because I felt that I was really getting into it and I know from my and my friend`s experience how deceitful some girls can be. And that is something I would advice to anyone. The rule of limited trust. One thing is to trust other thing is to be naive. But I saw no evidence of her hiding anything, so I trusted her (almost) completely.

I understand that she may have wanted to fill this space, that she may have felt more alone etc.
To make it clear - I didn`t ask her for "space". I just told her that I want to spend more time on my things.
I can give you an example:
One evening musician friend of my colleague who rented room in our apartment came to visit him. We all play some instruments and we wanted to make some music in my room. My girlfriend had some exams in a few days so she wanted to learn. One room was empty so told her she can study there, she went into tears, which must confess made a bit angry, because I have quite strong character and i really wanted to meet with those musicians. I didn`t in all circumstances tell her to go out. I would never do such thing. I was upset because it was not the first time she was so needy for my attention that she tried to change my plans. In this case I simply hung to what I wanted to do. You may say that I should always put my spouse before anyone, but by not agreeing to not seeing these people I wasn`t putting them before her (from my perspective). In my hearth she was always in a first place. I saw the situation from the perspective that she is creating problems out of nowhere, that`s why I got upset. This was the time when she was already seeing the other man, and I know from the messages i discovered that he created "perfect circumstances to learn at his place". Probably she was comparing me with the other ****er and that`s where the fuss came from.
In addition the time she was moving to her cousin was the exact time she met him. So probably she finally moved there to have more time to get to know him... There reason why i`m saying this is that he is a martial arts trainer and he was often driving her cousin home after training. I must add that the cousin was interested in him and my spouse was hiding the whole thing before her which led them to huge argument and they hate each other now.
But in my opinion that is no excuse to lying and seeing anyone behind my back. I think this is very wrong.
I understand that she may have been scared to say anything about this guy. Probably if she would`ve told me about this I would`ve been upset, but still she wouldn`t have betrayed my trust to that extent. The problem is I discovered it all by myself and she was lying about it. From a male perspective, girlfriend lying about seeing another man in such circumstances is really one the worst things that a girl can do.
I don`t know if you`ve read all I wrote, but the guy was not imaginary and from my perspective I had very right to become suspicious.
I know that there may be no angel waiting for me. It`s not the case. The case is - if I was completely sure that what she is saying is true, I think I would forgive this. One kiss is not a big deal to me. I`ve done the same. I understand. Whatismore, I told her about it in that time. I confessed. I know that what I did was very wrong. But the fact that I told her this myself didn`t ruin her trust in me (at least not the extent as she ruined my trust in her) The problem is that I`m not sure if she didn`t do anything more. Probably I`wont ever be 100% sure. And as I see now - beeing sure about it completely CRUCIAL in case of getting married.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Seriously, you REALLY need to get away from her.
She ALREADY has "secret" email accounts and other burner phones to carry on an affair -- she is trying to take this other guy underground and they were coordinating stories specifically to deceive YOU!

WHY would you think that this woman is marriage material? 
Save yourself TONS of future pain, learn from this experience, and DO NOT get married to her.


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## ElTan (Jul 18, 2017)

jlg07 said:


> Seriously, you REALLY need to get away from her.
> She ALREADY has "secret" email accounts and other burner phones to carry on an affair -- she is trying to take this other guy underground and they were coordinating stories specifically to deceive YOU!
> 
> WHY would you think that this woman is marriage material?
> Save yourself TONS of future pain, learn from this experience, and DO NOT get married to her.


Before the whole thing I really thought that who to marry if not her. She is very helpful and supporting girl. Everyone likes her. She would always help someone if there is a need.
She gave me the support I needed back then. She really helped me develop. No one ever gave this amount of support for me before.
I think that made extremely attached to her and impossible to let go.
That`s why even after completely losing trust for her, I wanted to try the last resort - polygraph.
As I see now, even this completely devastating (for her) action can`t heal broken trust.
Deep down I think she can be really this type of girl that might be innocent, the girl that has this boundary, she wouldn`t do the worst, but I know that everything can happen between girl and guy in situation of intimate privacy.
After the whole thing happened i studied a lot about detecting deception, and I think that made me more aware of the signs of lying.
I think that for her - sex with other guy - would be a huuuge **** up in her life. It would be visible that it troubles her.
But hell know what`s in a girls mind. Women tend to rationalise things. People tend to rationalise their actions.
All the time i was trying to convince myself that nothing happened, and part of me believes that`s true, which is supported by polygraph.
But there were some signs, that could show that something happened (the distance between me and her, her crying when I was trying to hug her, after she told me she wanted a break). She literally treated me like a dog back then. She told me that was because she just couldn`t look at me, she had enough of me, and that guy showed her that there are people who would do anything for her without require anything from her. And this may be the cause of the distance. But it can be also the case that she did something with him felt no guilt about it, but the intimacy between them where preventing intimacy between us. She says she doesn`t regret anything that she did and that any girl would have done the same, and that she is proud how she behave and wouldn`t have changed anything. That is what innocent people can say, but that is also what a very hurt and angry people could think about bad **** they did.
There was one thing she wrote to him - that he would be a perfect husband. I was very desperate back then and kept searching the internet what some things might mean. In one video guy stated that such statement mean that she`s put him in a friends zone. It`s coherent with her statements about that he was extremely afraid when dating her. That made encouraged (I know it sounds crazy). But on the other hand, if he was such a ***** - would he told her simply "buy some bread for breakfast". I think if he was such scared of her, he would have written this the other way. I know it sounds silly, but this is the example of battle in my head that i`m fighting in my head last 3 years.
It`s all about one thing - lost trust. When you trust, you automatically assume that the good thing happen.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

ElTan, do yourself a favour and google and read up on the 'sunk cost fallacy'.

It is a very good description of your line of reasoning right now.

What you thought you had is no longer that which you have.

Move on. Find a good woman and get away from the immature little girl who likes to play games.


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## ElTan (Jul 18, 2017)

jlg07 said:


> Seriously, you REALLY need to get away from her.
> She ALREADY has "secret" email accounts and other burner phones to carry on an affair -- she is trying to take this other guy underground and they were coordinating stories specifically to deceive YOU!
> 
> WHY would you think that this woman is marriage material?
> Save yourself TONS of future pain, learn from this experience, and DO NOT get married to her.


Personally, I think that lying lays in the nature of women. One study that I`ve read stated that it is the primal instinct of a women, that developed long time ago, when week women had to persuade strong men in tribes to protect children. And from my experience I see that it`s true, but maybe I haven`t met the right woman yet.
This girl was (before all that) the least lying (or maybe I thought she was) girl I met.
ehhhhh


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## cynthiaow2 (Jul 18, 2017)

ElTan said:


> Don`t get me wrong, but i think that trust doesn`t come for free. Before this incident I was far from being suspicious. In the beginning I checked her phone few times (like once in a few months) to see if she is true to me, because I felt that I was really getting into it and I know from my and my friend`s experience how deceitful some girls can be. And that is something I would advice to anyone. The rule of limited trust. One thing is to trust other thing is to be naive. But I saw no evidence of her hiding anything, so I trusted her (almost) completely.
> 
> I understand that she may have wanted to fill this space, that she may have felt more alone etc.
> To make it clear - I didn`t ask her for "space". I just told her that I want to spend more time on my things.
> ...


You're in a very difficult situation My dear, it's always easy for outsiders to advise we leave our partners when problems arise but deep within us we know our partners aren't the demon people think they are. I believe my husband had same feelings about me before we got married but I've proven him wrong! He was 27 and I was 24, we've been together for 13 years with two kids and still going .

My advice to you is, you know this girl better than all of us here, just one incident which didn't even involve sex should not be a reason to crucify her and call off the wedding . There's nothing like a PROBLEM - FREE marriage or relationship out there. Let her know how you feel and if possible bring it up during your marriage counseling sessions since it's still bothering you. Sometimes a little assurance is all we need to keep us going. Good Luck! 

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If nothing else, you two should go to a therapist together and talk all this out, and then see where it goes.


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## ElTan (Jul 18, 2017)

cynthiaow2 said:


> You're in a very difficult situation My dear, it's always easy for outsiders to advise we leave our partners when problems arise but deep within us we know our partners aren't the demon people think they are. I believe my husband had same feelings about me before we got married but I've proven him wrong! He was 27 and I was 24, we've been together for 13 years with two kids and still going .
> 
> My advice to you is, you know this girl better than all of us here, just one incident which didn't even involve sex should not be a reason to crucify her and call off the wedding . There's nothing like a PROBLEM - FREE marriage or relationship out there. Let her know how you feel and if possible bring it up during your marriage counseling sessions since it's still bothering you. Sometimes a little assurance is all we need to keep us going. Good Luck!
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


Can I ask you why your husband had those feelings about you and how you proved him he`s wrong?
From what I talked with friends, they all got some problems in their relationships, this is normal, this is life. But since they know me they may be afraid of telling the worst problems in fear of losing their face before me. Here we are almost anonymous so we can share without hesitation.
Did also have some accidents in secret?
I would be very helpful if you could share your story a bit.


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## cynthiaow2 (Jul 18, 2017)

My story is quite different, my boyfriend was so in love with me and would do anything to make me happy, my happiness was his #1 priority but he got nothing in return. I on the other was attracted to older guys and my boyfriend wasn't one of them. Our whole relationship was one-sided , everything was on his shoulders which I still feel guilty about . Sometimes he would stay up the whole night expecting me to come to his place but I wouldn't show up, whatever arrangements he had made for me that night would go waste. Sometimes I could see from his eyes he had been crying but that didn't change anything. 
I wasn't dating anybody apart from but I was comparing him with older guys I had dated and the difference was huge.
It wasn't a secret that I wasn't attracted to him, people around us knew. His mom one time called me to her room and begged me to let her son know in advance if I wasn't going to show up because he stays up the whole night waiting for me which is not healthy. His mom didn't like me much because she felt I didn't love his son and that I wasn't going to give him the attention and love he deserved if we married, she was very right. My family also made it clear to me that i wasn't going to find a guy like this anywhere if I let him go, he's a marriage material and every girl will go miles to have him. I was being selfish and ungrateful they thought. 
That's how bad my situation was, but he never gave up. I remember him telling me to put on a cheerful face on our wedding day cuz he didn't want people to read meanings. Surprisingly I was the sunshine of the day and he was the cloud, I guess a lot of thoughts were running through his head whether he made the right decision. 

In the nutshell, this 27 year old 'imatured' guy is now 40 years, growing super handsome each day and I fall in love with him everyday. Even though the love wasn't there at first, I looked beyond that, I saw the good in him and said yes to his proposal.

I know he had doubts as to whether the marriage was going to work or not but I proved him and all the naysayers wrong! 
I'm proud of him as a husband and the best Dad. I only pray I can forgive myself for putting him through that ****, he's too nice to deserve that, off course I was young and stupid!

*There's always room for growth.

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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

I hope you're not vacillating.

However, if you are be smart about it.

You know, most of us are advocating for you to forget about the immature girl you are supposed to be marrying in two months time. Well, should you, foolishly in my opinion, decide to stay in your uneven relationship PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE for the love of God postpone the wedding for at least one year!!! Consider it to be her probationary period. 

There is no freaking way that you should be getting married in just a few weeks. One year postponement, minimum!!

Oh, and get your ring back before she "loses" it.


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## Mayor (Jul 19, 2017)

syhoybenden said:


> I hope you're not vacillating.
> 
> However, if you are be smart about it.
> 
> ...


Thanks mate. I`m thinking that I`m very close to make final decision. Thanks!


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## ElTan (Jul 18, 2017)

I`ve canceled the wedding. Thanks for an advice. Love is crazy. I don`t know what a stupid thing I would`ve done I hadn`t found this forum.
YOU`RE AMAZING. REALLY BIG THANKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@ElTan

I know that canceling the wedding will be hard. But I really think you will have a better life for doing this.


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## ElTan (Jul 18, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> @ElTan
> 
> I know that canceling the wedding will be hard. But I really think you will have a better life for doing this.


I don`t think so. For the first time in 3 years i feel that I`ve done the right thing.
Thanks again. Really.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you're meant to be together, you can make it happen. Down the road once the issues have been worked out.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

ElTan said:


> I`ve canceled the wedding. Thanks for an advice. Love is crazy. I don`t know what a stupid thing I would`ve done I hadn`t found this forum.
> 
> YOU`RE AMAZING. REALLY BIG THANKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




I hate that this happened (because it will be difficult and emotional for a short while), but at the same time I'm glad you were able to reconcile your feelings and make a decision that you are comfortable with.


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