# Wife wants to move out!?!?!



## idontknow

Hello, I don't even know where to begin. We been together for about 6 years and married for one year. We just bought a house together in April...and that's when things started to get bad. We always got along great and enjoyed each others company. Everyone always said that we were great together. Shortly after we moved into our new house I started noticing some changes and she was being distant. She stayed out late and didn't call. Started going out with her friends more. I let her be because I knew she was going through a lot of stress. (Her parents got divorced in January) About a month goes by and still the same. So I confront her about it and asked her to tell me what is going on. She says "nothing, dont worry about it." But my gut feeling tells me something is not right. I'm not proud of what I did...but I had to do some "spy work" to figure out what's going on. I find out she has been talking to and old guy friend that she knew before she met me. I confront her and ask who is he. She denied it at first but she finally told me that she needed someone to talk to. She said that I was not there for her. She tried to reach out to me back in January but I didnt know. She's having a hard time dealing with her parents divorce. She said she has stop contact with this guy because he started wanting more than just friendship. So we try to patch things up...but nothing. Now she wants to move out. She wants to move into apartment thats closer to work because our house is too far away. She says she does not believe in marriage anymore and does not want children. She also mentioned she feels like she has to work harder now than before to pay bills. I really don't know what's going...I want to talk and work things out but she does not want to. I suggested that we go to conseling but she does not want to. She started looking at apts a few weeks ago but she said she will be moving out end of this month. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make this work but it seems like she does not want to. I don't want her to leave. I truly love her no matter what. I know I'm not a perfect husband but I know that I have been good to her. How do I get her back? Should I let her move out so she can have her space? Any feedback is appreciated...I'm at a complete lost! Thanks.


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## Blanca

Definitely keep trying to communicate with her and tell her how you are feeling. But ya, let her move out if that's what she wants. She will only resent you in the long run if she feels that you _made_ her stay in any way. 

As hard as it is let her know that you love her and that you want her to be happy. If leaving is what she needs to be happy then you dont want to make her stay. It will only lead to things that really hurt you.

Try to do things that make you happy. If you get bogged down in this and become miserable she is less likely to want to come back. If you are happy and independent she is more likely going to want to be around you.


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## draconis

Communication is the key to any long term relationship. It is important to hear and listen to what the person is saying and give empathy to them. You might start working on your skills now with her. If she returns to you then you will have the skills to continue this marriage if not then you will have them for where ever you go from here.

I think she might be trying to convince herself that she doesn't need or want you. The best you can do is be there for her.

Finally remember all you can give is 100%. Marriage is a two way street and she needs to add to it as well. By doing ehat you can atleast you will know that you tried.

best of luck.

draconis


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## idontknow

Thanks for reading and the advice!

Just to update: 
We had a long talk. I told her that I've done a lot of thinking and realized that I was not 100% there for her. I know what changes I need to make and please give us another chance. I also told her that I'm willing to do whatever it takes to work things out and make it work. She says she still needs time and space and do things for herself and no one else. She said she is tired from making sure everyone else is happy.(ie...her parents, me, etc) She never stopped to make sure she was happy, and now she needs to make sure she takes care of herself first! So I've been giving her space. I don't call her or try to talk about the situation. We still live in the same house but it's kind of awkward. Sometimes we don't see each other often. But when we do see each other we talk about our day and just chit-chat. She also told me what her plan was on moving out. She will be moving out in a couple of weeks. She also mentioned divorce but there was never anything concrete. She says she wants to keep this drama free, and civil. I do as well. Sometimes I feel ok about her leaving. But sometimes I feel so sad and I'm crying on the inside. Some mornings I don't even want to wake up. I don't know what to do at this point. I really want this to work and I don't want her to leave. Please offer some advice or suggestions. Thanks!


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## draconis

The best that you can do is communicate with her more, but it sounds like she has already made up her mind on the situation. It takes two to make it work. I suggest you start to look at doing things for yourself like hobbies and such, maybe even the gym it helps you to get out of the rut a bit easier.

draconis


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## Triton

Let her go -back off. Play neutral for awhile. Don't do the classics -The keep calling her -What can I do ?, etc. . Just back off -get your own thing going. Not messing around on her. Just lay off. Let her call you. It works. When she does -say a few words , and say you have to call her back. Don't ! This will spark an interest in what you are doing, and always sound -Up beat !


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## idontknow

I hear what you're saying. At first I was trying to do nice things for her and it obviously didn't work. Now I'm just being neutral. I actually don't call her, and I go home late to kind of avoid her. Sometimes when I get home, she is already in bed. I know this doesn't help solve the problem, but I don't think there is anything else I can do at this point. She is still moving out, she started packing already. There's still so much I need to tell her and want to talk about. But I don't know if I should tell her before she moves out or wait till after. Either way I don't think it will change anything. I think her mind is already made up. I still don't want her to leave but there's nothing I can do...


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## draconis

Well you can write it all down in a journal and even say that it isn't meant to change things but this is all the stuff you wish you could have told her. Chances are at least she will read it and know how you feel.

draconis


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## idontknow

I wrote her a letter telling her how I feel. She read it but she didn't say anything to me about it. Like I said before...she already made up her mind and she is moving out next week. It really frustrates me because it seems like she is giving up without even trying. She doesn't want to talk much about it and doesn't want to seek counseling. I asked her if she wanted a divorce or just seperate for a while so we can both have some time and space alone. She could not give a straight answer. She also said that she can't afford a divorce right now. I want to do something about it now before she leaves. I'm afraid that once she moves out...she will be gone forever.


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## idontknow

Hello, I just wanted to give an update. It's been about a month since she moved out. We only spoke on the phone a couple of times, just to chit chat and talk about bills. We met and had coffee together last weekend. We just had a nice friendly conversation, nothing about our relationship or our marriage. (just two friends talking). During the conversation, she did mention that she thought about moving to California because of work. I don't know if she is bluffing or serious. I still don't know what she wants to do. I want to ask her if she really wants a divorce? Or does she still need more time alone to think? Or does want to try and work it out? I want to ask her but I don't want to pressure her either. I want our marriage to work out but I don't want to do anything that will push her away more. This is really difficult because I'm kinda in limbo here...I don't know what to do. I need to move on with my life. When is a good time to ask her? Should I give her more time?


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## MarkTwain

I think you're being irrationally nice. What about you. If you act the doormat, even if you get her back, unless this is a one-off crisis for her, she will do this again - leave you in limbo while she takes her time to access what she wants.

However, I don't see this as a one-off. The fact that her mother's divorce effected her to the point of needing to leave you shows she is profoundly damaged, and not really interested in your feelings.

Your relationship is unbalanced. She makes you wait for an answer, and you... wait. You need to value yourself as much as she values her self. In the final analyisis, Self is an illusion (so my wife tells me), but if you are going to have "selfs" one should not be place higher than another.

If it were me, I would say move back or divorce me. You've got a week to decide. After that, I would start dating.


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## 827Aug

My husband moved out in the spring. He gave many reasons similar to your wife. None of which made any sense--just more bizarre behavior. After all of these months he still doesn't know what he wants. Living in limbo is tough, but I'll take it for now. Living in limbo is still easier on me than ended a 22 year marriage. At least I still see hope this way. My counselor and I have discussed this a lot; she agrees there is no reason to "push" the issue. I now look at things a little differently. Since my husband had the issues and moved out, then he will have to be the one to file for divorce. I will not let him or his behavior provoke me into doing something that I don't want. I guess what you do and when you do it will depend on your patience.


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## 827Aug

MarkTwain said:


> If it were me, I would say move back or divorce me. You've got a week to decide. After that, I would start dating.


My therapist and I have discussed this approach also. And in the beginning I tried this (to an extent). It will be seen as an ultimatum and "controlling" behavior. For a spouse trying to decide on reconciliation or divorce, it could easily push them in the divorce direction. There's at least a 50% chance it could go that way. Is he comfortable gambling?


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## MarkTwain

827Aug-

You can't put your life on hold forever. If someone does not believe in you, you have to let them go.


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## Honey

She also mentioned she feels like she has to work harder now than before to pay bills. 

Hmm.. she doesn't believe in marriage, and doesn't want to work hard for a nice place to live. 

Ok, who does she think will pay her bills for her, and the those that pop up without notice? Santa? 

I hate to tell her, if she doesn't want to be married, and doesn't want to work hard. She had better hope to win the lotto, or their really is a Santa, because mostly she will find it much harder making ends meet by herself. Not saying she can't do it, but it won't be as easy as having 2 incomes.


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## 827Aug

idontknow said:


> I want our marriage to work out but I don't want to do anything that will push her away more.


This is why I gave the advice I did. Making demands on someone who is confused only drives them away.


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## MarkTwain

827Aug-

I think you are displaying your own lack of self worth. At some point we have to ask ourselves if we want to be with a confused person that is ambivalent about being with us.


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## idontknow

Thanks for your input guys/gals. She actually called me today to say hello. I been wanting to call her to talk but just been busy. So I just ask her if we can meet somewhere and talk. I told that I just need to know where we stand and where we go from here. I also told her we don't have to talk about what happened between us (not yet at least). I told her she does not have to talk if she is not ready.(i didnt want to pressure her) But she agreed to meet tomorrow. We chit-chat for a few minutes. She did mention that she has been enjoying her time apart. She did also say that she misses me. I told her "I love you" when we were hanging up. She said " I love you back". It seems like a good sign but I'm not going to keep my hopes up. We'll see how things go.(keep your fingers crossed for me,lol) I'll keep you guys updated. thanks again!


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## wildenlost

This is scary! Your situation is so similar to mine... down to the parents divorce, and saying that she's been trying to make everyone else happy.... Please tell me how your situation is progressing. My wife moved out a few weeks ago, and is already emailing me about divorce details, so I'm not too hopeful.


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## Johnny Drama

Triton said:


> Let her go -back off. Play neutral for awhile. Don't do the classics -The keep calling her -What can I do ?, etc. . Just back off -get your own thing going. Not messing around on her. Just lay off. Let her call you. It works. When she does -say a few words , and say you have to call her back. Don't ! This will spark an interest in what you are doing, and always sound -Up beat !


I am in a similar situation. I've run the whole spectrum of emotions in my life, everything from earth shattering sorrow to intense anger. I've come to the realization that while I didn't want my situation to happen; I can choose my actions going forward.

Do not play the doormat! I did and it is a huge regret for me now. Figure out what it is that you want to do. If you want her back, fine. But realize that if she doesn't want you it is her loss. You can choose to either pine away hoping that she will change her mind or you can do your own thing and move on with your life.

Like I said, I am dealing with this very same thing right now and I found that the only way to feel right inside, for me, is the satisfaction that deep down I gave it my best shot and if I got rejected, it is her loss. Once I had that thought in my head, I began to see life differently. I wish you the best of luck.


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## rogerisright

If you want her back then It is time for you to become counterintuitive... 
stop telling her that you love her
stop crying and whining
stop telling her that you will change and that you see the error of your ways
stop arguing with her... it doesn't work it attacks her self-esteem and pushes her further away!
Stop invalidating her feelings... acknowledge her right to feel anyway she wants... if she feels that it must be right that is how women think.

Stop moping around feeling sorry for yourself and listen very carefully because you've got one very good opportunity to get her back... but it ain't easy to do.

Now here are five elements, five ideas, five strategies that may seem counter intuitive BUT THEY WORK!
1. Stop pressuring, stop criticizing, stop complaining, stop whining.
2. Agree with anything she says or does. Put a good name on it. Agree with their negative feelings. You see, when the wife has a closed mind and is divorcing a husband, she is in love with her negative feelings. So she puts her negative feelings in charge of the door to her mind. And when you try to reason with her, you’re telling her that her negative feelings are wrong. That causes her negative feelings to lock the door tighter. Agree with her negative feelings – whatever they are. “Yes, this relationship is hopeless.” “Yes, you will never be able to trust me. That’s exactly correct.” Do not defend yourself. Just agree, sound sincere, and shut up.
3. Act perfectly happy about everything as it is. The status quo – as it is. Act perfectly happy. Enjoy your space. Enjoy your freedom. Tell them that they are correct – that you
all were getting too serious too fast – or whatever their interpretation is that they’ve given to you. Agree with it, and act happy about whatever it is that they want.
4. Do everything instantly and happily, one hundred percent your mate’s way.

5. Be consistent no mattr what your "feelings are sayng to sabotage all of this and trust that it works with all your heart and never doubt it ...you have tried things you way and they dont workk right?? try it this way and be consistent and watch it work..Now, you can’t do this for a week or a day or a month, and then switch back over to the old pressuring self. It’s not going to work for you. And you can’t do it partly in one part of the conversation and then slip back to explaining yourself about what you want and why you did what you did. You’ve got to practice consistency with this. No pressure at all.

Now, this does not mean no contact. If you’re separated, you can call and say hi, do small talk and happy talk. Serious talk hurts the relationship most of the time at this stage don’t do it!. Make it brief. You can call. They will not feel pressured if you do that kind of talk or stick to practical things. “When do you want me to pick the kids up?” Or, “Do you want me to bring the check by or do you want me to mail it?” always be the first to end any phone conversation and NEVER talk on the phone for more than just a few minutes ,,,These strategies work immediately to reduce the feeling that there is a clash of wills.
Her negative attitudes towards you are being supported by you communicating what you want. Every time you say to her, “But, I love you,” you are saying, “but I want something different than what you want. You want to pull away, but I want you to come closer. I don’t really care what you want. It’s what I want that’s important.” Lots of times guys tell their wives, “I’ve changed. I’ve changed. Let’s get back together. I’ve changed.” Every time you say, ‘I’ve changed,’ you’re communicating to her that you have not changed
Why are you telling her how you’ve changed? What’s your purpose? Isn’t it to get your way?” “Yeah, I want her back.” “That’s your way. It’s not her way, right now. She said she may consider it later, maybe, but not right now. And every time you say, ‘I’ve changed,’ you’re saying, ‘Give me my way! Give me my way! Give me my way! What I want is more important than what you want. I don’t give a hoot what you want.” And subconsciously, she says, “He
hasn’t changed. He’s still the neurotic, selfish, pressuring guy he always was. There’s no way I’m going to go back to him, or feel positive to him as long as he is this way.”

You don’t resist it, go with it. “You want a divorce, it’s okay. I don’t blame you. I understand.” The more you talk against the divorce, the more she wants it.

You have put the white flag up. You’ve thrown your gun down. That forces her to do the
same thing. She cannot shoot you when you have no gun. When you’re not defending
yourself, she will want to defend you. It’s not normal to not defend yourself, but it is healthy.

“Okay,” your head says, then you’ve got to do these things. You’ve got to agree and stop
criticizing – cheerfully, happily – accept whatever your mate wants. Then you start to think…that you feel if you do these things that you will lose…There you go. The feelings want to choose everything. And the feelings, this time, are wrong. You lose with this method.
Your relationship will improve when you stop working at changing your mate and warmly
allow your mate to be whoever she wants to be If they want to be cold, it’s perfectly okay. They
want to be hostile, they want to think that you’re guilty of something that you’re not, it’s
Perfectly okay. It’s perfectly okay. 

People don’t want to be married to somebody who’s holding a gun on them. You owe me
love because we’re married. You’ve got to love me because we’re married.” No, no. You’ve
got to get rid of the hostility before her good feelings can show. And her hostility may seem
to you like it’s totally independent of anything that you do. No! You are supporting her
negativism by your attitude of needing and pressuring and whining and complaining, and
trying to argue for your way. Just enthusiastically see it her way. You’re happy to do
whatever she wants.

That takes the props totally out from under her hostility. And so we want to continue
this attitude. You are acting secure now. When you say, “You’re the only one that I can love,
you’re the only one that I can be happy with, you’re the only one,” you’re really saying, “I’m
a pea-brain. I can’t really see that the world is full of beautiful women I can’t see that. I don’t have any confidence at all. Don’t you want me?” No, they don’t. “I have no self-esteem, no nothing. Don’t you want me?” And the answer is no. see what I mean …read what I wrote over again and email me if you want the full meal deal I have been through all of this stuff before and I know what NEVER WORKS and I know what does


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## dcrim

hey, roger -- it would have been much simpler to just tell him to be a doormat. 

And why would/should we believe that you know what works and what doesn't? You need a lot higher (and higher quality) post count for people to get to know you.


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## rogerisright

I has been a long time since I found a man who was as consistently wrong on every single issue you have weighed in on ...at least the 20 or 30 you commented on most recently. Your coments show that you have very little if any understanding of the dynamics of a good healthy marriage. No concept of the teamwork and we before me attitude it takes fo a marriage to be as good and fulflling as we all want and deserve. This man is obviously in pain and was making all of the classic blunders that a majority of men make at this same stage of the break up ... this isn'tbrand new stuff here ...men and women have been hjooking up for along long time. Marriage and love is one of the mst studied and written about topics in the world. After all of these years and all of this study do you not think that we know what works and what almost 100% of the time doesn't work??crack a book or cite some landmark new study that says that any of the advice I have given him is wrong and let the debate begin ...but standing on the sidelines throwing rocks, casting aspersion, and taking cheap pot shots at the people and the advice they give is counter productive at best. If you have a specific observation or feel that any of the points I was trying to make aren't valid then say s ...tell everyone why you feel that way then tell us what you think is the right answer and then tell us all why! am prepapred to do that with any of the items I have mentioned if I didn't already do it in the body of my little advice soapboxing...but don't just stand on the side lines cheapening my message to this man without any alternative theory or recommendation. Telling me that I need to have more positings under my belt before people should trust what I say is ludicris and irresponsible because this man s relationship doesn't have time for all of that to occur for one and I am prepared to defend any statement I have made for #2. you don't appear to have been a member for all that long yourself ...so I will have to wait and read more of what you are advising before I decide that your advice is not well founded ...is trite and too general to apply let alone fix or begin to heal any of these people's relationships and represent your opinion and not sound best practices marriage saving or divorce stopping advice .... when I take the time to respond like I did to this mans' request for help ...trust that I know exactly what I am talking about and if you have a different opinion then throw it up there and lets square off on it and we shall se who is right.


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## rogerisright

P.S. and you are wrong ...if it's illegal then it's illegal whether you get caught or not. It's called integrity .... its based upon a person's character ... you know the part of ourselves that we don't show anyone ...it's what we do when we are certain that no one else is watching


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## idontknow

Wow, I can't believe people are still replying after 4 months. Well, I guess I can update a little...It's been about 3 months since she moved out. I have gone through the sad stage, then angry stage. Then the "i don't need her" stage, and move on with my life. I actually have been doing pretty good for a couple of months. I enjoy my freedom. I been concentrating more on work, go out when I want to, eat what I want. I actually got a new car also. lol I have never begged her to come back or tell her that "I've changed". But I did tell her how I feel about the situation and tell her my feelings. Whether she listened or understands is a different story. I don't keep much contact with her, maybe just a text message to say hi once or twice a month. Other than that, we been doing our own things. She did mention that she started the divorce process about a month ago. She's filing for uncontested divorce. She said she does not want the house, cars money. Which is a good thing...hopefully it will be drama free. I have not seen or heard anything else about the divorce...no paper work or anything. I guess I'll just have to wait and see. I just live my life day by day. 

But lately (since beginning of Dec.) I been feeling lots of anger and really upset about the whole situation. The more I think about it, the more I get PISSED AT HER!!! I actually was about to call her and release my anger at her. I felt like calling her every bad name known to man. But I don't think that is a good idea so I refrained. At this point, I really don't know what to do. Like I said before, I want our marriage to work. But I'm prepared for the worst. Life moves on...


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