# Wife had a EA, she's back but still in love with him



## ithurts (Jan 12, 2010)

For more than two months I suspected something was going on with my wife and another man. I saw so many signs and she denied that anything was going on. Basically lied to me over and over everytime I questioned it. I finally checked Cell records online when I figured out that she was deleting text messages directly on her phone. I found out just one week after they kissed. I thank god I found out then before it went any further.

The same day I found out the guy tried to commit suicide. The relationship with my wife was one reason but not the only reason.

5 days later the guy is at home from the hospital. He calls my Wife. I tell her it's ok to go see him, I want her to close things out with him. She does just that and they agree that they will not talk with each other any more.

So we are both at home now taking care of our kids and trying to work things out. We have been married for 8 years and together a total of 11. I love her so much I will forgive everything, although I know it's going to hurt for a long time. Problem is that she says she loves me like a bestfriend and that she's not "in love" with me. Last night she was very untalkative and I figured she was thinking about him. I asked and I was right, she is in love with him. 

My plan is to try to keep her with me a long as possible and make her remember why she used to be "in love" with me. Just be the best I can be. I'm not abusive, a good father, good bread winner, have never cheated on her, she would tell you today that I'm great and win on paper but she is in love with him.

It's been a week since I discovered the Affair. I know that's not a long time and it will take months to make things right again. But she seems so convinced that her feeling wont change or will never be the same again. 

So i'm looking for a woman's perspective, but will take any advice. Has anyone out there ever been in a situation like this and recovered - recovered to the extent that they love their husband as much as before??? 

Sorry for the long read, I could type 5 times as much...


----------



## can'tbelieveit (Dec 8, 2009)

Holy crap, I am going throught the same thing, only difference is, I am the W, and no one (to my knowledge) had tried to commit suicide. Although, I have no great advice for you, I just wanted to let you know that you are definitely not alone in this. I am starting to see a trend here, I see a lot of couples that have been married 8, 9, 10 years and they (or one spouse) go through something similar. The "i love you, but not in love with you" BS. We have been married 9 years, together 11. Hang in there, it is going to be hard. Talk to your W, ask her if before she met the OM what she felt was lacking in your relationship. Because something was...obviously. what about marriage councelling?


----------



## ithurts (Jan 12, 2010)

I asked over and over and she cant tell me anything I need to do differently. Nothing for me to change and in my behavior towards her or my behavior in general.

I've asked about counceling. She doesn't want to do it. I'm definitely open to giving it a try. We'll see on that one.


----------



## Just_Venting (Jan 12, 2010)

Sorry Ya'll but I believe in tough love. If she is pulling that kind of crap with you then tell her to physically leave!! NO matter how much YOU love her it sounds like you are a "pushover" (I mean no disrespect).

You can't make someone be who they aren't and you can't make them feel what they don't feel.

Maybe if she has to survive out there in the "real" world then she will open her eyes to what she has/had...

Just make sure that she knows that since she is the one that has had the affair and is "in love" with someone else that when she leaves... the kids stay with you.

People have attendance to take things for granted. I feel fro your situation. I was married for 7 years and my wife got the itch and cheated and I kicked her _ss to the curb. We had a 1 year old at the time. I am happier now than I have ever been. Did it hurt at first....Yes but once I gave myself the power over the situation I was much better and my son is very well adjusted.

There are a lot of "good" people in these message boards...We all have similar things in common.

As much as you "love" her you must get her to open her eyes.

We all get comfortable in relationships but the ones who cheat like the newness and the risk. Just because she clenased her soul about it by coming clean does not mean she won't continue.. Now she has some loser saying he will kill himself if she leaves...

Come on...Do you want your children around this stuff.

Kill the drama... Drop her and find your happiness.

Best of luck


----------



## stressed1951 (Jan 12, 2010)

I'm coping with my wife and her EA and we're into 20 years of marriage this year. When you first find out about it, you start by asking was that period all worthwhile? They say you can look once, but not twice and of something like this happens, certainly I looked in the mirror and accepted that I needed to change a little. In a marriage nothing really stays the same. We like to think it does, but it doesn't. As people we are changing all the time and especially when kids come along, everything changes. Many parents stop focusing on themselves and one another and instead focus on their kids. Then the kids get older, become more independent and where does that leave Ma & Pa. Often 2 very different people who haven't really spent time with one another in a long time. It's a case of getting to know one another all over again and maybe re-introducing the romance. They say couples should set aside date nights and away from the kids to keep their marriages alive. As a breadwinner and a hard worker you have focussed on all the right IMHO, but spouses on both sides do crave attention and when we don't give it, when along comes the 'friend' who pays them complements, etc, then problems and issues can and do occur.
To solve a problem you have to recognize the problem and both be willing to fix it. Sadly this is often one sided, as in my case. I can only suggest that you work closely together to insure that you are both on the same page of the rebuilding exercise. Give it time, BUT after a while you have to protect yourself, your self-esteem and sanity.
Good luck


----------



## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

ithurts said:


> For more than two months I suspected something was going on with my wife and another man. I saw so many signs and she denied that anything was going on. Basically lied to me over and over everytime I questioned it. I finally checked Cell records online when I figured out that she was deleting text messages directly on her phone. I found out just one week after they kissed. I thank god I found out then before it went any further.
> 
> The same day I found out the guy tried to commit suicide. The relationship with my wife was one reason but not the only reason.
> 
> 5 days later the guy is at home from the hospital. He calls my Wife. I tell her it's ok to go see him, I want her to close things out with him. She does just that and they agree that they will not talk with each other any more.


It is better for you to insist there is no more communication whatsover. What is done is done, but I would not have allowed even to visit in the hospital, there is nothing to benefit your relationship in this.



> So we are both at home now taking care of our kids and trying to work things out. We have been married for 8 years and together a total of 11. I love her so much I will forgive everything, although I know it's going to hurt for a long time. Problem is that she says she loves me like a bestfriend and that she's not "in love" with me. Last night she was very untalkative and I figured she was thinking about him. I asked and I was right, she is in love with him.


A woman is saying she is not "in love" with a man is saying only this, she is not sexually attracted to him. Sexual attraction and emotional connection are interwined absolutely, and to a woman there is often little difference. Understand this point will allow you to see the solution to this issue. 



> My plan is to try to keep her with me a long as possible and make her remember why she used to be "in love" with me. Just be the best I can be. I'm not abusive, a good father, good bread winner, have never cheated on her, she would tell you today that I'm great and win on paper but she is in love with him.


This is the "nice guy" scenario, and if you continue with your plan, you will not be happy when see your woman leave you in the dust for this other man.

To make her remember is simply this in her mind, you are reminding her only that she can stay with you and continue to be miserable, or pursue this affair man and feel young, sexually desirable, and on fire. It is not even a question which the woman will choose.



> It's been a week since I discovered the Affair. I know that's not a long time and it will take months to make things right again. But she seems so convinced that her feeling wont change or will never be the same again.


Know these important facts: A woman is emotionally connected to the man she is sexually attracted to, and a woman is going to be emotionally connected to only one man at a time.

When you understand this, you will see why talking and reasoning with her will not work, and why she will seem like she is not even letting you in, because she isn't.

To have her let you in, the key is to light the fire of attraction in her for you, instead of this affair man. 

To do this, you must know what a woman is attracted to, and that is this. A woman is irrestibly attracte to the man in control of himself, and his environment, the dominant man. That is the man the woman will see as worthy of her attraction, and she will be on fire for such a man.

Your goal is to be two or three times the man of this affair man, and when you regain your woman's sexual attraction, her emotional connection will shift from this affair man back to you, her husband.

Remember again, sexual attraction and emotional connection are intertwined, and a woman will be emotionally connected to only one man at a time. 

This is how to get this affair man out of the picture. 



> So i'm looking for a woman's perspective, but will take any advice. Has anyone out there ever been in a situation like this and recovered - recovered to the extent that they love their husband as much as before???
> 
> Sorry for the long read, I could type 5 times as much...


The recovery is based on many things, but it is absolutely possible, when the structure of sexual attraction is honored, and how intertwined sexual attraction and emotional connection is understood.

When sexual attraction and emotional connection is restored, then the communication will then be open. It is then that the issues of resentment that were ALREADY THERE to allow this affair to happen can be dealt with and put to rest.

I wish you well.


----------



## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya I would totally give her the cold shoulder DO NOT PLAY LOVE SICK PUPPY dont leave me blah blah cause then she will just push ou away even more. I have seen in many situations. That when men or women do this it makes them run for the door. What she did was wrong and she wants that to be known obviously. I dont think that she will be in love with this guy for long cause he tried to kill himself he is work. A LOT of emotional work. And I thiknk that you need to Q: the physical contact a little more if she is in love with this guy? I dunno maybe people really do fall in love with out sex involved?


----------



## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

I say, go with your gut. There is no place or time for games. She might think she's in love with him. let her see - factually - what you are and let her decide. YOU deserve truth and YOU have no selling to do. You can certainly make it clear that you are not second fiddle and deserve to be with someone that loves you. But at the same time you can make it clear what you feel about her - drop the ego - and in time she will do the same. She has to 'get over him' and as awful as that is to hear, it might really be what is necessary. Show her love. Show her honesty. Show her truth. If she makes you feel you need to beg in anyway, Show her the door. You deserve better. I'm sorry. You have a tough road ahead. Good luck.


----------



## ithurts (Jan 12, 2010)

Holy %&$*, I was starting to really question myself until stillNshock posted. I think I will go with my gut. Only three of my real life friends know about this. Two of them have similar advise to stillinshock. One doesn't know what to say but just listens.

Just_Venting: I appreciate the advise. I figure if what I'm doing now doesn't work then it will come down to what you advise. As for my children, I promise that I'm think exactly of them. If I kick her to the crub now when she is commited to attempting to work it out she'll run right to his door. I'll find my happiness after I give this is good run.

BigBadWolf: I totally agree with alot of what you said. There's alot to think about there. 

Sunflower: I have beat the sex question to death. It's negative. A kiss is as far as it went.

UPDATE: Two weeks later and she's still at home but things are looking grim. This is either going to be an extremely slow process or I'm going to loose her.


----------

