# How to get my wife to be more emotionally healthy?



## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Is it possible?

I am in the process of manning up.

Ups and downs (I am writing not so often, though). 

One question keeps on nudging me: how do you turn a non-secure (the most unsecure person you ever saw!), almost anti social because of it, into a confident, independent person. I don't want her to be so dependent - I would like to see her more assertive, secure, doing things herself...

But how? Did any of you guys managed to do that?


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

joshbjoshb said:


> Is it possible?
> 
> I am in the process of manning up.
> 
> ...


*YOU* can't. Only she can do this. You can provide an environment that helps her, but unless and until _she_ wants to change herself and undertakes to do so, you cannot "make" her more confident and independent.

Think about it - if you're on the manning up journey, who is making YOU feel better? Who started the journey? Who is doing the manning up?

Just as no one except _you_ is manning _you_ up (not withstanding advice you've got from e.g. here), the only person who is going to make your wife more confident is your wife. 

She has got to make the first step. Otherwise all the help you give isn't worth a toss.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

It sounds like your wife has low self esteem. Our level of self esteem (Self-esteem - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia) is more or less set in our childhood years. It does fluctuate but gets back to the level set in childhood.

Self esteem is a trait. Something fixed deep within the psyche of a person. Traits can be exceedingly difficult to change. Low self esteem actually works for some people, in that it gets them what they want from life. For example, people with low self esteem are low risk takers, so they never have to put themselves on the line! Whereas a person with high self esteem will put themselves on the line. Simply because they believe they can overcome any obstacle and rectify any mistakes they’re likely to make.

In essence your wife has to want to increase the “normal” level of her self esteem. And that’s done by “doing new things”. It really is that simple. But people with low self esteem do not have the confidence to overcome any mistakes they make when doing new things, and so they are in a circle “I want to do, I wont do because I might make a mistake”.

You may find your wife has a competence or competences somewhere. Mine certainly did. For example she became an expert cook and she was self taught. It was something she could do, by herself. Some people are like that, they live in their own world and in that world they are fully competent. Coming out of their world and taking the lead and giving out tasks and responsibilities to others is just not their thing.

But if they are alone, without another to do all the things they are afraid to do in case they fail, well guess what? They will do those things and as they gain success their confidence and self esteem grows.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

> *YOU* can provide an environment that helps her


And sometimes that environment may have to become a harsh one (divorce). The question is how willing are are YOU to implement a tough love/boundaries approach?


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

I know I cannot change her. But it pains me, and it also harms directly our marriage. For example, she is scared to meet new people (i.e. open up to them, connect with them) so she is clinging to me. Guess what - I love to connect with others, so I like to spend time with friends and whenever I do have a good time with them I see how jealous she is.

Before learning to take care of my needs, I would have stayed much at home to keep her company. Now I know that this will do no good to me, and to our marriage.

I do not want to divorce her in order for her to learn how to be assertive (does it make sense to? I mean, I love her much but not that much that I will hurt myself and kids just for her to learn how to do things herself), but is there any other way I can put pressure on her? To see a therapist, for example? To go out more? To connect with more people?

The craziest thing of all of this is that I am so upset about her mother. I feel that her mother is not emotionally healthy and that's why she hurt her kids in the process too. I don't want the same to happen to MY children!


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

joshbjoshb said:


> I do not want to divorce her in order for her to learn how to be assertive (does it make sense to? I mean, I love her much but not that much that I will hurt myself and kids just for her to learn how to do things herself), but is there any other way I can put pressure on her? To see a therapist, for example? To go out more? To connect with more people?


I'm guessing from this that you aren't thinking along the lines of the "we had to destroy the village to save the village" idea. 

You can't make her _want_ to become assertive, go out more or connect with more people. Only she can decide she _wants_ to. As far as seeing a therapist goes, you can try to make her do this. It depends on how far you are prepared to go with imposing consequences for her not doing it. And even if you can make her go, you _can't _make her gain benefit from going.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

AFEH said:


> But if they are alone, without another to do all the things they are afraid to do in case they fail, well guess what? They will do those things and as they gain success their confidence and self esteem grows.


This is gold. I guess the difference is that if you fail on your own, you can convince yourself no one else judges you to be a failure, and also you have to keep trying in order to have what / do you need.

In relationships, the safety net of not being seen when you fail isn't there, and the chances are there's someone who will do it for you if you won't.

To what extent is it possible to create an environment in a marriage where it is "safe to fail", as it were?


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Sawney Beane said:


> I'm guessing from this that you aren't thinking along the lines of the "we had to destroy the village to save the village" idea.
> 
> You can't make her _want_ to become assertive, go out more or connect with more people. Only she can decide she _wants_ to. As far as seeing a therapist goes, you can try to make her do this. It depends on how far you are prepared to go with imposing consequences for her not doing it. And even if you can make her go, you _can't _make her gain benefit from going.


:iagree::iagree:
People need to be independent, before they can be interdependent.


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