# open-ended questions



## sameoldstory (Dec 12, 2009)

Hello all,

I'm new here and feel the same uncertainty that many new-commers have when making their first post so here goes...

Basically, I am uncertain about the direction of my life with my wife. To be completely honest, I do not know if my full potential for happiness has been met or ever will be. My wife is a very good person, a great mother to our only child (7 months old), is in relativily good health, and together mentally. However, since our marriage began 2 years ago, we've had trouble connecting intimately. Pior to marriage, things were ok, not the best but I thought marriage would bring us closer together. About the only time I recall us being on the same page since marriage was when we were trying to concieve. 

I know that having a child draws attention away from the marriage but I'm not sure the foundation was there to begin with. As a result, it has become appearant to me that sexual intimacy is very important to my health (a have alot of stress over this compounded with high blood pressure) as well as the health of the marriage. The lack of sexual intimacy has made me resentful, depressed, crabby, and contemplating divorce.

What has me even more confused is that I do not want break apart my family. I love my son very much and am happy when I'm with him. I can't, however, say the same about my wife which doesn't make me feel confortable at all about our future. I have tried to talk about this several times but it mostly leads to arguements with no committments to a resolution.

All this being said, I'd like to ask some open ended questions. For those who have sought out a divorce, what feelings did you have towards your spouse that drove your final decision? Are you happy with your decision? Is putting other's happiness before yours the right thing to do? what about for the rest of your life? I have high doubts that things will change so is it better to end things sooner rather than later? Other than this issue, my wife and I get along ok, so is this a selfish need worth ending a marriage over?

Any responses will be greatly appreciated.


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## ocean2breeze (Feb 5, 2010)

Maybe the pregnancy wore her down or she has post pregnancy depression and isn't in the mental mood for anything. Childbirth takes a lot out of some women even if they are healthy. Maybe she is worried about getting prego again and so keeps her distance from you.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

First of all, do not give up! Even though you have high doubts things will change, well guess what? Things can change. People and situations can change drastically if you put in the work. You should try therapy first. Find a really good pro-marriage therapist in your area. Read over some of the posts from other people on here who were the ones left behind. I think they might help open your eyes to how serious this is. How much pain it causes and distruction of families. I agree with Ocean2breeze, pregancy takes alot out of women. I know I have been there twice. Your baby is only 7 months old and along with your wife's hormones and lack of sleep, this is a huge adjustment to get use to. There is now someone else in the house and this little someone demands all your time and attention. Please don't give up, think of your little baby boy. The best gift a father can give his child, is love his mother.


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## sameoldstory (Dec 12, 2009)

ocean2breeze, these are all valid feelings she may be having. She did go back on the pill 3 months after giving birth to "balance her hormones". As I mentioned before though, I don't have high hopes because she was on the pill before getting pregnant.

I do know that she wants more children...at least one more. Not sure when but I have my reservations because I am uncertain about the strength of our marriage. Sometimes I feel like after we are done having kids, the intimacy I so desire will be gone for good. Then I will only be in the same boat but with more children. 

Am I thinking logically here? Anybody been through this?


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## sameoldstory (Dec 12, 2009)

Believe, I really appreciate the words of encouragement. I do not give up easily and will stick with it so long as my health and sanity allow it. When you suggest therapy, do you mean for the both of us? Do you think it would be better for me to go to sort out feeling before dropping the ball? I honestly think my wife will take this very badly and I do not want to jeopardize anything until I’m sure. 

I’ve actually been reading through other posts for about 2 months now. At times, it seems that it is my only relief. It also makes me feel like I am not alone. Many, many posts by others I thought I could have written. Overall, what I’m really trying to determine is whether this is a temporary struggle for me. Do things get better? Being that you have been through 2 pregnancies, how would you rate your libido before, during, and after. Were there any conflicts?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

There is a way to go about this that is fair to everyone. First you start out by telling her what you just told us - you want to make it work - however it only CAN work if the physical part can be fixed. 

Be prepared for her to attack you for being shallow. Just stay calm and firm and explain that both people have minimum needs in a marriage - and if they cannot be met by the other person the marriage eventually ends. And you have these needs and if she is not willing to TRY to address this - then you are going to end it. If she says no - you have an easy next step. If she says she WILL try - that is when things get difficult. Because the goal cannot be ONlY to get her to agree to sex twice a week - she might agree to it - but she will hate it/and eventually resent you for it. The goal if she is willing to try is to see if she can be honest with you about what turns her on/off so that she actually desires you enough to have a decent sexual relationship. 

The reason this is hard is you need to mix the two things. The first - is to say that you need a minimum amount of sex to stay - and don't short change yourself because whatever she agrees to she will likely try to actually deliver a lot less. 

And the second is for you to bluntly state - I KNOW you dislike sex with me since you avoid it in such a determined way even though you know I am UNHAPPY about it. So if you won't start telling me why - we need to end the marriage. I need to feel "desired" as well as have a minimum amount of sex. 

And ask yourself some questions:
- How much do you think this is visual? How do other women react to you? Are you in shape? Are you VERY clean ALL the time? Do you dress nicely? Hairstyle?
- How do you behave? Are you too nice/to beta? That is a huge turn off for a woman. 
- When you have sex - do you get her to the finish line consistently? 

Did she marry you simply to have a good provider? WHY did she marry you?




sameoldstory said:


> Hello all,
> 
> I'm new here and feel the same uncertainty that many new-commers have when making their first post so here goes...
> 
> ...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You will hate yourself if you just walk away now without telling your wife all this. Print out your first post and hand it to her. See what she says.


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

sameoldstory said:


> ... that sexual intimacy is very important to my health ... my wife and I get along ok, so is this a selfish need worth ending a marriage over?
> 
> Any responses will be greatly appreciated.


You are thinking of abandoning your wife, your infant child, and your marriage vows because you are not happy with the frequency of intimacy?!?

Re-think your plan. It makes no sense. And with a 7 month old, it is completely immoral as well.

Why don't you try to fix the problem? Talk to your wife?


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

kayla111 said:


> Wow, AlexNY, that was harsh.


I did not intend to be harsh. Keep in mind that the poster has a _7 month old infant. _ This problem is too recent for there to have been much effort at fixing the issues. It is simply too soon to even think of divorce.

Not to mention that a woman who gives her husband a precious child might be forgiven some hangups and/or reluctance.

This man's child is likely still breastfeeding, probably presenting serious colic due to introduction of solid food, and certainly neither potty trained nor communicative of discomfort.

*These are some of the hardest months of a young mother's life. * She is facing crippling sleep deprivation, body image issues, insecurity about her fitness as a mother, and loneliness when desperately trying to triage each of her child's many physical discomforts and ailments.

_And all her husband can think about is that he is having to do without intimacy sometimes._

I just can't find much sympathy. I am trying. I can't.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Same here.

sameoldstory, how many times a week do you get up in the middle of the night to feed the baby?


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