# 1 Year and the EA still clouds my mind.



## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

In has been one year since I forced my wife to end two affairs. In fact I outright ended the marriage and started discussions on the split but she asked that try to recover it. I gave her a detailed set of things that I thought where wrong with the marriage and we would need to fix and she said she wanted to work on it. I asked for us to go to MC or at least for her to go to IC since I believe she has a lot of issues. 

She refused IC/MC but did in the months following the blow up, attempt to do more to bring us closer, at least symbolically, and I appreciated that, but they seemed more demonstrations than real intimacy. I responded in kind trying to do my part but after six weeks of trying increase real intimacy between us, which included attempts at making love, I gave up and shut down which was helped by getting very busy with other things in my life.

One of the features of our relationship is she never talks about anything personal. If anything is wrong or needs work, I need to be the one start the conversation and drive it, and she is often just playing defense trying to end the conversation as quickly as possible. I thought if I just stopped trying she would notice that was a bad sign and make her want to talk. If not, I expected it would blow up again and then it would really be over. 

So a few months slipped into six, then holidays, some busy travel plans and bam, about 7 months further on, and the marriage still feels like it is on life support, no sex, no communication on anything meaningful, but endless draining small talk. So I give in and start forcing us to talk about how ****ty are relationship is again. I think I proved by my 9 months of silence that I am not needy, but she is still closed off. I push for MC/IC--she refused, but we do start having sex again, first in a year, but I can't help feel like she still has no interest in it, despite apparently actually enjoying it. She can't seem to help asking for favors and "permission" to buy clothes, shoes, ect... during foreplay even through I have told her how bizarre and horrible I think this is.


So to sum it up:

1. I feel like am draining my life away with someone that has no idea how to be in a relationship or who appreciates the different kinds of intimacy a long marriage can offer (18 years)

2. I am monitoring her extensively. I am 99% sure she is not cheating, and I am very good at this sort of thing. But it is exhausting, time consuming, and symbolic of the reality that I do not trust her. I have to let go of this at some point, but it does not feel right to do so with everything else that seems broken. Her lies go well beyond the cheating which is part of the trust issue. She has told some big and serious lies in our history and don't think she has reached a place where she understands that will ruin us, though I have explained it plenty.

3. I have this sinking feeling that she stays because of my income and that divorce would be a huge adjustment in her life. Maybe this is my own neurosis, but thats how it feels. 

4. I have not forgiven her. I am not sure I can and I probably should have just stayed the course on the divorce one year ago and just moved on....


I can probably guess the advice you have for me. Force MC with threats of divorce, just leave her, or maybe even a few people that might say I am a big part of the problem. I look forward to your thoughts, but most of all I think I just needed to write this out discuss it, to help me make up mind on the most profound and consequential decision I have to make in my life.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You gave it a year...you tried...she is just not into you anymore.

It's hard to regain trust when they cheat and your old lady is not helping with this.

In my case....it's been 5 years since my old lady screwed around....at least my old lady likes to phuck me and I can't shut her up!

My point her sir is I think you are right, the only thing she is into is your wallet! If she was really into you she would do the heavy lifting to make sure you both met each others needs and worked a lot harder on affair proofing the marriage.

From were I'm sitting she is setting her self up to cheat again...hell my old lady went 5 yr straight before screwing around again. These days my old lady makes dam sure me and her are square. The last thing we both want is to go back to the the bull crap we did to each other back in the day.

I just don't see your old lady having the drive to keep this marriage going in a healthy direction and on top of that their is a good chance she will go behind you back again.... It's just a matter of when.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Are you happy?

Is she happy?

Do you expect it to change anytime soon?


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Agreed with Decorum.

You're not happy. You should be happy. You should be making each other happy.

You made a list of things you could work on to make the marriage better, you only get a reaction when you blow up and that's only for a short time.

She may like the physical sensations that sex give her but not the intimacy with you. So she's okay without it but will do it but will not initiate and so far it sounds like duty sex to keep you quiet.

So yes she's doing the bare minimum because she knows what divorce means.

But simply, if you're not happy then leave. You've been pulling teeth for a year.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Sorry man, she knows you are hurt and pissed, but still can't stop herself from charging you for the sex.

Here it is. No MC/IC, no marriage.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Couldn't help but notice you gave absolutely no reasons for why you even want to stay in the marriage.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Not sure what your waiting for....it doesn't sound like she will wake up and suddenly have an Epiphany about all of this on her own, like others have said is this the life you want ? Time to place a line in the sand with her and tell if things do not get better by the 4th of July, you declaring indepenance and place the heavy lifting on her.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I tend to agree that she's not that into you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ScrambledEggs said:


> In has been one year since I forced my wife to end two affairs. In fact I outright ended the marriage and started discussions on the split but she asked that try to recover it. I gave her a detailed set of things that I thought where wrong with the marriage and we would need to fix and she said she wanted to work on it. I asked for us to go to MC or at least for her to go to IC since I believe she has a lot of issues.
> 
> She refused IC/MC but did in the months following the blow up, attempt to do more to bring us closer, at least symbolically, and I appreciated that, but they seemed more demonstrations than real intimacy. I responded in kind trying to do my part but after six weeks of trying increase real intimacy between us, which included attempts at making love, I gave up and shut down which was helped by getting very busy with other things in my life.
> 
> ...


Two affairs? How certain are you that either -- or both -- of them weren't PAs? Given your description of your wife's behavior, I can't help but get the distinct impression that she's a serial cheater.

Anyway, there's no point in either MC or IC if you have to threaten divorce in order for her to agree to attend. Just divorce. Don't even bother telling her. Implement the 180, have her served, and proceed directly to divorce.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

As others indicate, your wife doesn't seem to be into you. She tells you by her actions.

Why are you so into her? She does nothing to deserve your interest and investment. You're right - she's probably using you for money security while she pines for her ex EA/PAs. 

Enough, dude. Don't be used. Life is waiting. You're wasting your life right now. The longer you wait to end this sham, the longer life goes on without you.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

ScrambledEggs said:


> She *refused* IC/MC but did in the months following the blow up, attempt to do more to bring us closer...


This alone is reason enough to throw in the towel.

After the h*ll she put you through, she THEN refuses counseling -- and you agreed to this??

She should have been moving mountains, jumping through hoops to do everything necessary to repair the damage that SHE caused.

Her refusal to attend counseling tells me that it was a false R all along.



IMHO, it's time for you to pack it up, move along.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Two affairs? How certain are you that either -- or both -- of them weren't PAs? Given your description of your wife's behavior, I can't help but get the distinct impression that she's a serial cheater.


Oh, I am certain they both _where_ PA's and overlapped each eachother.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> This alone is reason enough to throw in the towel.
> 
> After the h*ll she put you through, she THEN refuses counseling -- and you agreed to this??
> 
> ...


I think it is hard to trust your feelings in all this since it is so damaged so grabbing onto a concept of valid/false R seems really powerful in gaining some perspective. If the R is real, and valid that at least opens up idea that it is time to put it all behind you. But if "r" is a small r and is not sincere or convincing, you are going to hang onto the the emotion and anger. Even without viewing it in these terms this is exactly what I have been getting at with the struggle to move on myself.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ScrambledEggs said:


> Oh, I am certain they both _where_ PA's and overlapped each eachother.


Read earlier in one of your other threads that the two of you don't have any children.

Sooo... serial cheating wife and no kids...?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

ScrambledEggs said:


> *I think it is hard to trust your feelings* in all this since it is so damaged so grabbing onto a concept of valid/false R seems really powerful in gaining some perspective. If the R is real, and valid that at least opens up idea that it is time to put it all behind you. But if "r" is a small r and is not sincere or convincing, you are going to hang onto the the emotion and anger. Even without viewing it in these terms this is exactly what I have been getting at with the struggle to move on myself.


Huh?? :scratchhead:

I read, re-read, and then read again the above. Still can't quite figure out what it means.

IMHO, this is all psychobabble-self justification for why you are still there.

Gus is right. Time to wash your hands of this.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

ScrambledEggs said:


> I think it is hard to trust your feelings in all this since it is so damaged so grabbing onto a concept of valid/false R seems really powerful in gaining some perspective. If the R is real, and valid that at least opens up idea that it is time to put it all behind you. But if "r" is a small r and is not sincere or convincing, you are going to hang onto the the emotion and anger. Even without viewing it in these terms this is exactly what I have been getting at with the struggle to move on myself.



Real R or "false R" whatever you choose, does it matter? It isn't working, you have given it a year. She has not done the work. She is refusing counseling. Any wayward that wanted R would do the work. Going back to business as usual is just asking for a repeat.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> Huh?? :scratchhead:
> 
> I read, re-read, and then read again the above. Still can't quite figure out what it means.
> 
> ...


I think what I was trying support the idea of treating R not as an emotional feeling, at least not at first, but a set of milestones that are either crossed or not met. I am not just talking about no cheating anymore but fixing what caused the cheating in the first place with respect to trust and intimacy.. If those milestones it opens the door to think about all your hurt and pain differently and maybe put it behind you. I am not excusing anything, in fact the opposite because I did not follow this advice.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I'll see this...



ScrambledEggs said:


> I think what I was trying support the idea of treating R not as an emotional feeling, at least not at first, but a set of milestones that are either crossed or not met. I am not just talking about no cheating anymore but fixing what caused the cheating in the first place with respect to trust and intimacy.. If those milestones it opens the door to think about all your hurt and pain differently and maybe put it behind you. I am not excusing anything, in fact the opposite because I did not follow this advice.


...and raise you this...



kristin2349 said:


> Real R or "false R" whatever you choose, does it matter? It isn't working, you have given it a year. She has not done the work. She is refusing counseling. Any wayward that wanted R would do the work. Going back to business as usual is just asking for a repeat.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

So. Let's picture the scene.

There's been a devastating hurricane and your house has been reduced to a pile of rubble.

You: "Dear, hadn't we better try to rebuild our house, or at least salvage something from the ruins?

Wife: "No, thank you. I'd rather just sit down on this pile of rubble."

That makes as much sense of your wife refusing counselling. Unless she has more secrets she'd rather not have exposed? :scratchhead:


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> So. Let's picture the scene.
> 
> There's been a devastating hurricane and your house has been reduced to a pile of rubble.
> 
> ...


She does not value the idea of counseling and does not "believe" in it. I think that is from the loss of control/influence over the discussion that would come from bringing a third party in as well as the embarrassment of having to confront what she has done and how she is in the relationship. 

So to your analogy, its more like, "no we don't need a contractor to fix the house, we will just push up the walls that got knocked down so we have some shade and rain cover and we can poop in a hole in the ground. 

Not very good reasons and your analogy mostly sticks.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

ScrambledEggs said:


> She does not value the idea of counseling and does not "believe" in it. I think that is from the loss of control/influence over the discussion that would come from bringing a third party in as well as the embarrassment of having to confront what she has done and how she is in the relationship.
> 
> So to your analogy, its more like, "no we don't need a contractor to fix the house, we will just push up the walls that got knocked down so we have some shade and rain cover and we can poop in a hole in the ground.
> 
> Not very good reasons and your analogy mostly sticks.


Who the fvck are you trying to convince here ? 
Us ? 
Yourself ?

Scramble, You really, really are doing A LOT of double talk bullsh!t here.. 

Sh!t or get off the pot.. Pull the trigger or don't.. But stop with the double talk.. 

You are over analyzing all of this... Your WIFE has barely fvcked you in a YEAR... 

Cut your losses and move the fvck on.. Really..


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Hardtohandle said:


> Who the fvck are you trying to convince here ?
> Us ?
> Yourself ?
> 
> ...


Doubletalk? Not sure what you mean. I posted here to turn this over in mind which implies consider it in multiple ways and have a dialogue. I appreciate everyone's input, including yours, but if this gets you so worked up, I'd propose you spend time on another thread.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

She lies, she's had EA's (maybe PA's but she'll never tell you), refuses to go to MC, getting her to change is like pulling teeth.

It's very simple. This is your life. You shouldn't have to threaten D for her to see a MC but I think for me even if she did go it would be a waste of money. A person has to want to change. She has to want a better marriage but her actions say otherwise don't they?

For me it's a question of respect. Two EAs (maybe some PA's) and you haven't kicked her tail out yet.
You can't make her go to MC without threats, there is no intimacy, and I think you know you're just waiting for her to do it again hence the monitoring.

It's very simple, you marry someone for love and it has to be a partnership, both parties working together to maintain it.
For a while it's been only you working you a** off, if memory serves you didn't have the affairs, you're not contemplating one yet you're the one monitoring, worried and getting zero in return.

Cut your losses and run. She's a big girl now. Actions have consequences. Time for her to experience some because for now she still gets her life while you get zip.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

ScrambledEggs said:


> Doubletalk? Not sure what you mean. I posted here to turn this over in mind which implies consider it in multiple ways and have a dialogue. I appreciate everyone's input, including yours, but if this gets you so worked up, I'd propose you spend time on another thread.


Your attitude gets people worked up because you are trying to convince us that we are wrong about what we are trying to convince you of. 

Your marriage is dead. We all see it, and have pretty much agreed as a group. Not a lot of disagreeing going on. 

So what do you want from us?


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> Your attitude gets people worked up because you are trying to convince us that we are wrong about what we are trying to convince you of.
> 
> Your marriage is dead. We all see it, and have pretty much agreed as a group. Not a lot of disagreeing going on.
> 
> So what do you want from us?


Where did I try to convince anyone they where wrong? Unless I lost my grip on the english language I did not disagree with anyone here. Really, that statement has me completely perplexed.

In one post I considered the value of being very structured around a plan for R -which I did not do and probably should have- and another where I modify analogy to fit my circumstance but with basically the same character and conclusion from it. 

I intentionally did not write about any upsides to the relationship because one, I don't want to write a book for ppl to read, and two, I can weigh the good and bad on my own, especially with some perspective on how bad this is. I do get it. There are several things here that are and should have been deal breakers. But I have to arrive at this in my own way.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

> She does not value the idea of counseling and does not "believe" in it. I think that is from the* loss of control/influence over the discussion* that would come from bringing a third party in as well as *the embarrassment of having to confront what she has done* and how she is in the relationship.


Well just expect her to keep rug sweeping the affairs away while stalling for time hoping for you just let it go. Your more interested in solving your marriage issues then she is. That should tell you all you need to know. As long as you keep letting her slide, she'll take advantage and keep on sliding. Why should she worry about it if she knows the plan b safety net (you) is underneath to catch her?


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

ScrambledEggs said:


> Where did I try to convince anyone they where wrong? Unless I lost my grip on the english language I did not disagree with anyone here. Really, that statement has me completely perplexed.
> 
> In one post I considered the value of being very structured around a plan for R -which I did not do and probably should have- and another where I modify analogy to fit my circumstance but with basically the same character and conclusion from it.
> 
> I intentionally did not write about any upsides to the relationship because one, I don't want to write a book for ppl to read, and two, I can weigh the good and bad on my own, especially with some perspective on how bad this is. I do get it. There are several things here that are and should have been deal breakers. But I have to arrive at this in my own way.


OP
you are the one that needs to get worked about this. Up sides to your relationship? give me a break. she's cheated on you twice; she's trash. there are no upsides to being in a relationship with a person like this.....unless you enjoy being humiliated. would you seriously consider starting a family with her? get rid of her!


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

ScrambledEggs said:


> Where did I try to convince anyone they where wrong? Unless I lost my grip on the english language I did not disagree with anyone here. Really, that statement has me completely perplexed.
> 
> In one post I considered the value of being very structured around a plan for R -which I did not do and probably should have- and another where I modify analogy to fit my circumstance but with basically the same character and conclusion from it.
> 
> I intentionally did not write about any upsides to the relationship because one, I don't want to write a book for ppl to read, and two, I can weigh the good and bad on my own, especially with some perspective on how bad this is. I do get it. There are several things here that are and should have been deal breakers. But I have to arrive at this in my own way.


I think you have arrived. You just don't have yourself convinced.

If in 9 months not one thing has changed in your marriage then what other choice are you left with?

She cannot communicate.
She cannot face what she has done and really open up about it.

You both do not sound happy.

What else do you need to realize you have arrived and you need to make a decision for both of you????


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

I found myself needing to re-read this entire thread and I realized I had not thanked people for their input. So Thank you, this has all helped.

I am not a weak person, but when it comes to her I seem to be. She is charming, funny, intelligent (Narcissist stereotype) , she does do a lot to keep the house up. She is especially nice and engaging (small talk) now, because I think she has sensed a shift in me. 

But at the end of the day we are now roommates and I don't think there is anything I can do to change to that. Things have been far from perfect for me in this relationship from the start but I always thought it could get better until the affairs. Hell I don't even know for sure there where not other affairs over the last 17 years. I suppose the hard truth is I was the only one really trying for most of those years and while she was preoccupied with herself, I fell in love with and pursued what I wanted her to be more than who she was.

I am feeling really down tonight, but nothing changes and I slog forward to divorce. There is so much to do, and I also need to focus on work. I need to hold it all together through some tough seas ahead.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Hello ScrambledEggs and sorry to have you here. I just read through your thread and here is my tuppence worth of observations:


I guess what most people are struggling with here is why on earth do you want to reconcile with someone who is clearly a serial cheater (you found 2 PA's although there were probably more), completely remorseless, an adept (and charming) liar and someone who has no respect for you whatsoever.


There is absolutely no point in having a "structured" reconciliation and looking at the efficiency of the mechanics of your reconciliation. She doesn't give (you) a flying fvck about what you think or are doing towards this.


You now understand that you are now roommates (albeit toxic ones - this cohabitation will eventually kill you).


So what is stopping you from kicking her @$$ to the kerb and getting on with your life ?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The biggest red flag of all is no sex during reconciliation. I can't remember a single time here where that didn't mean an affair was still going on.

If you look up serial cheaters, you will find the simply cannot quit. This leads to her background. She has abuse in her background and doesn't want to talk to counselors about it.

I would do my best to force her into MC and IC simply because you used to love her and care about her. She needs IC as bad as anyone I've seen here. Get her into counseling whether or not you want to divorce later.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

So your WW gets caught boinking two dudes, refuses counseling and asks for favors and shopping trips before sex?

I'm not confused at all about what she is. I'm confused about why any higher life form would be involved with a lizard.

Apparently the only thing good about this relationship is your imagination.

Stop wasting your time with lizards.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

So did she ever give you a timeline of all her A's?

Two at the same time and no remorse for all the damage she has caused for you, and she is not trying at all?

You can't fix it by yourself and she won't fix it. She is having sex somewhere, she must have chosen door number 3 or 4 or doors 4, 5 and six.

I do not see any reason to let someone continue to make your life so miserable.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

STDs?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

manfromlamancha said:


> *(you found 2 PA's although there were probably more)*


The one constant in Uncovering an Affair... _There's always more._


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## cgiles (Dec 10, 2014)

Detach yourself of her, do the 180. The 180 | AFFAIRCARE

Once you will start to be happy by yourself, you will move on more easily.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

ScrambledEggs said:


> I found myself needing to re-read this entire thread and I realized I had not thanked people for their input. So Thank you, this has all helped.
> 
> I am not a weak person, but when it comes to her I seem to be. She is charming, funny, intelligent (Narcissist stereotype) , she does do a lot to keep the house up. She is especially nice and engaging (small talk) now, because I think she has sensed a shift in me.
> 
> ...


And you have attempted to change it to no avail. One year is a long time for little to no change. It is not like you did not give it your best.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

ScrambledEggs said:


> I am feeling really down tonight, but nothing changes and I slog forward to divorce. There is so much to do, and I also need to focus on work. I need to hold it all together through some tough seas ahead.


The hardest challenges in life bring the greatest rewards!:smthumbup:


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

One thing.

Turn your monitoring into occasional auditing. Checking up is good for you. Living it constantly will kill you.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

weightlifter said:


> One thing.
> 
> Turn your monitoring into occasional auditing. Checking up is good for you. Living it constantly will kill you.


I don't think it will be an issue for him...



ScrambledEggs said:


> I found myself needing to re-read this entire thread and I realized I had not thanked people for their input. So Thank you, this has all helped.
> 
> I am not a weak person, but when it comes to her I seem to be. She is charming, funny, intelligent (Narcissist stereotype) , she does do a lot to keep the house up. She is especially nice and engaging (small talk) now, because I think she has sensed a shift in me.
> 
> ...


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

The one thing you are not telling us is whether you think you still love her. My sense from what you write is that you do. If so, you are finally facing the reality that this is a hopeless love. It surely is. She will never give back to you what you want her to. This is a hard pill to swallow when your heart has been so engaged.

But, you know? You still have a long life ahead. Your tragic feelings here will fade. You can and will move on. (My H and I are celebrating our 32nd anniversary tonight. It's been a hard slog sometimes, but I was still a young thing at our 18th - you have a long life to live!)

Ask yourself where you want to be in 5 years. Ask if things would look any different with her than they are now. Then, take a deep, cleansing breath and accept that you sometimes just have to live with a tragic truth. You just live and cope. You'll survive if you divorce. You'll be happier without her. I think we all see that.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Spousal unit has detected a threat to her comfortable lifestyle and has engaged in the operation "Charm and Affection"(not to be confused with "Shock and Awe"). 

To support Operation Charm and Affection, Operations "Me", "Spend", "Other Men", and "Cold Shoulder" have been suspended - temporarily. However, Special Ops forces will continue with Operation "Manipulation" and in fact will support operation Charm and Affection directly.

What I hate to admit is that this feels good. And not just in the sense of empowerment and control you from assuming the upper hand, but that I truly have always wanted her to want me.
The problem is, as my satire suggests, is I have no earthy idea how much is of this 'real' and how much is smoke and mirrors. It is not that I question her feelings and I think, in her own way she does love and care for me, but I have no idea how I would come to a place where I believe she would be trustworthy of my future and my emotions again. 

I have no reason to believe she would not do it all over again as soon as there is a boring few months of marriage and she sees something exciting to run to.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

ScrambledEggs said:


> Spousal unit has detected a threat to her comfortable lifestyle and has engaged in the operation "Charm and Affection"(not to be confused with "Shock and Awe").
> 
> To support Operation Charm and Affection, Operations "Me", "Spend", "Other Men", and "Cold Shoulder" have been suspended - temporarily. However, Special Ops forces will continue with Operation "Manipulation" and in fact will support operation Charm and Affection directly.
> 
> ...


What's the plan here, man?

What's keeping you dancing in and out of this game?

There's only one person getting something out of it, and it isn't you.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

marduk said:


> What's the plan here, man?
> 
> What's keeping you dancing in and out of this game?
> 
> There's only one person getting something out of it, and it isn't you.


I was going to tell her that I decided on divorce tomorrow, but I a few reasons to put this off a week related to what is going on in both of our lives. That said I pretty far on the process I have seen a lawyer and have a detailed plan/strategy, just need to run a few errands and then tell her. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/263466-starting.html

I use my threads as a sort of blog. One on the divorce and this one to reflect on dealing with the infidelity even as this while thing wraps up. I have not told any of my friends and family so if I need to get something out, here is where I do it. I have an appt for IC also.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

I do hope you spread the word on her affairs.

So she will not make you the bad guy for the D.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

ScrambledEggs said:


> I push for MC/IC--she refused, but we do start having sex again, first in a year, but I can't help feel like she still has no interest in it, despite apparently actually enjoying it. She can't seem to help asking for favors and "permission" to buy clothes, shoes, ect... during foreplay even through I have told her how bizarre and horrible I think this is.


This validates that she is in your marriage for the materialistic things that you afford her. End your charade. You've stayed too long.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

ScrambledEggs said:


> I was going to tell her that I decided on divorce tomorrow, but I a few reasons to put this off a week related to what is going on in both of our lives. That said I pretty far on the process I have seen a lawyer and have a detailed plan/strategy, just need to run a few errands and then tell her.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/263466-starting.html
> 
> I use my threads as a sort of blog. One on the divorce and this one to reflect on dealing with the infidelity even as this while thing wraps up. I have not told any of my friends and family so if I need to get something out, here is where I do it. I have an appt for IC also.


There will always be a reason it's inconvenient.

Especially if she's on to your plan. If she is, she may make inconvenience a lifestyle.

Set a date. Let your close friends and family know say 24 hours prior to that date.

Have a plan to say what you're going to say with zero ambiguity. "Wife, you've made no attempt to reconcile after multiple affairs. Even if you wanted to reconcile now, I don't. I'm done with you and this marriage."

And then be done. Go dark for at least a couple weeks. Have a place to go. Have everything sorted with the lawyer before you pull the pin.

And when I say go dark, I mean pitchest of black dark. If it doesn't have something to do with the D, it gets zero response.

Filter stuff through friends and family if you must.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

ScrambledEggs said:


> I was going to tell her that I decided on divorce tomorrow, but I a few reasons to put this off a week related to what is going on in both of our lives. That said I pretty far on the process I have seen a lawyer and have a detailed plan/strategy, just need to run a few errands and then tell her........... I have an appt for IC also.


I believe that most relationships can be fixed, if both parties work to fix the problem. However, her refusal to go to counseling to work on the issues makes fixing the relationship nearly impossible. I don't know that counseling would help you to forgive and repair the relationship, but at least you two would have given it your best efforts. Additionally, forcing her to attend based on fear of divorce is rarely successful, since they are only attending because you made them. 

I think you are on the right path now and that is to no longer wait on her and take the bull by the horns. Get into individual counseling for you, which is necessary for your health regardless of what she does one way or the other. Also start the divorce process and as soon as is prudent I would physically separate and create a new norm for each of you. Divorce usually take several months and this may allow time for her to reflect on events and have a change of heart. If she truly wants to save the relationship then let her come to you to address the issues in the marriage. If not then......C'est la vie. Best wishes to you and your family.


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