# X



## Cass7 (Sep 5, 2020)

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## C.C. says ... (Aug 1, 2020)

Hi @Cass7  

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I know it must’ve hurt to see that your husband was talking to another woman online. I don’t think it was right what he did at all, although I can see how these things happen. Someone you don’t know comes along and shows you interest and seems to click with you. It can be an incredibly good feeling. It can lead to all kinds of fantasy thinking, so when he said it was only fantasy, I think that’s true. As in he probably would never act on this in real life. Does it make it hurt less? Probably not.

But I think you should try to keep it in perspective as far as possibly losing/throwing away your husband over this. The woman is in another country. I don’t think she’s a threat as far as reality. I think he’s probably just enjoying the attention. I guess what I’d do is tell him that he can come back home if he’s willing to work on the marriage. Which he said he was. That way it’s not like you have to feel like you’re backing down or feel like you’re showing him that it’s ok what he did.

That sucks that he said he loves you but isn’t in love with you. I bet a whole lot of marriages exist in just this way. It’s bound to be hard to keep up the whole ‘lust’ factor after 20 years of marriage. But that doesn’t mean it can’t be rekindled or saved. There’s a reason men seldom leave their wives or family for another woman. So don’t forget that! Men don’t like to uproot their whole existence. Especially when they do love their wives.

I’m sure there would have to be some ground rules. Will he just stop talking to her? Or will you be a nervous wreck everyday wondering if he’s talking to her every time he picks up his laptop or phone? There will definitely be resentment. Who could blame you? He’d have to cut her off entirely for you to feel even half way ok.

So in answer to your question, I don’t think you’re over reacting, really. It hurts! But I don’t think I’d let my husband of 20 years go over it. Keep in mind, I’m not an expert. I just think that’s would I would do. I’d tell him to come back home and then go see a marriage counselor. The counselor would tell you both what you need to do to get your marriage back on track.

I’d try that first and go from there.

Wishing you much luck.

C.C.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Cass7 said:


> It feels like an emotional affair to me.
> He has told me really it's only a fantasy in his eyes
> Just someone to make him feel good


He may have never considered it an "emotional affair". Men sometimes look at "affair" means "sex".



Cass7 said:


> Am I overreacting?


In my opinion, yes. You admit to overreacting about most of life's struggles with anxiety.



Cass7 said:


> On top of all this we just uprooted our whole family, 3 kids ranging from 9-16, and moved halfway across the country.


Why? Did this have to do with his employment ? Was it a necessary move to support your family financially ?



C.C. says ... said:


> He’d have to cut her off entirely


Yes. Now that he knows how this hurts you, he has to stop.



Cass7 said:


> How can I trust him again?



If he stops..... and remains stopped.... and allows you to verify that he has stopped..... then, over time, you will be able to trust him again. He will have proven his trustworthiness.


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## Cass7 (Sep 5, 2020)

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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

My husband was transferred several times while our child was growing up. It was always stressful and took time for us to settle in. Hopefully, all of you will quickly enjoy your new home. For future reference, never trust anyone blindly and don’t ever let anyone be your “everything“. Put that emotional energy into yourself. He was never going to tell you what he was doing behind your back. Be careful in the future.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It sounds to me as if you both have things to work on separately and also together. To be honest it must be pretty hard being married to someone who he cant say anthing to in case they have a panic attack. Have you been having help for that? Counselling? Medication? Not that what he did was right, not at all, but I dont think its enough to end the marriage over. Maybe he was just desperate for someone to talk to but didnt look in the right places. 
Its very hard to understand how this uprooting of the family, especially with the chldren at the ages they are was a good idea, especially if there were no job move involved, and you dont really say why you needed such a drastic fresh start. 

However you will settle if you all make an effort .We have lived in 4 different counties in the UK in the last few years. Very tiring and exhausting but we have survived. So will you. 

I think some good marrage counselling will help, you can save this marriage if you both make that effort.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Do not let him move back in then you are just rUG sweeping.
hiw difficult would it be to move back to where you moved from? Why wasn’t this discussed with you, are there skeletons in the closet. Maybe he was cheating before this one, are there others?
go see a lawyer for your options. Go scorched earth on your WH and let him see this is not going to go away. If he says he is no longer in love with you, then believe him and act accordingly.
he should be bending over backwards to win back his family and you, if not then youknow there is nothing to save.
get a counsellor for yourself, do the 180 on him. Have you exposed him to all family and friends? Invite your parents to visit or a sibling or friend for the support
Has he done a no contact letter to her, how do you know he is no longer contacting her?
start getting your ducks in a row now. I know you are hurting but you cannot drop the ball.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He’s said he’s not in love with you and has been texting a woman.
Personally, I don’t feel this will likely work out. Until he comes back with his hat in his hand and begs your forgiveness and tell you he dearly loves you, I’d give it 6 months or less and file for divorce.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He is a cheater. Apparently online only at present.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

This isn’t what you want to hear, but you need to understand the differences in divorce law between your previous and current location. If you were to end up divorcing, it may make a *huge* difference if you are still within a time limit where you could file in your previous location.

It may be premature to talk of divorce, but you really need to Understand and protect your interests if it is a real possibility.

ETA: It is possible he is well aware of the differences.


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## Cass7 (Sep 5, 2020)

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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Cass7 said:


> I don't believe he does and neither us have thought that far ahead. We have talked a lot over the last couple of days and our plan A is to go to counseling and make this work. We don't just want to throw away 20 years of marriage and break up the family we have created together.


You came here seeking advice, I assume, from people with experience. I’m going to offer a little. “WE don’t want to throw away 20 yrs of marriage for .....”. I want to correct this. Right now, all you know for certain is YOU don’t want to throw away 20 yrs if marriage. His emotional affair with another woman and the statement he made that HE loves you BUT isn’t in love with you” shows that he may very well be looking into divorce, has already looked into divorce, and any manner of things could be going through his mind that you don’t know about, since quite clearly you don’t know his true thoughts because you didn’t know he was talking to another woman AND has lost feelings for you.

the smartest thing to do here is protect yourself by seeing an attorney or two. Most offer free consultations. Akk it will cost you us some time.

You need to realize that once a person starts giving their emotions to another person and loses their emotions for their spouse, those old emotions rarely return. Be forewarned that YOU still love him, and only see the marriage AND his thoughts from that perspective. 
just something for you to think about.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Cass7 said:


> I don't believe he does and neither us have thought that far ahead. We have talked a lot over the last couple of days and our plan A is to go to counseling and make this work. We don't just want to throw away 20 years of marriage and break up the family we have created together.


you need to legally protect yourself. Is it possible he moved states so that he could benefit from a divorce (people have been known to), e.g. to a no fault state. Please go and see a lawyer immediately.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Due to the fact that the OP has deleted her posts this thread is now closed for further replies.


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