# Wifes affair



## Dave_nz (Apr 22, 2013)

About a month ago I found our my wife was having an affair with one of my best mates. To my shock it had been going on for about 15 months. I have been devastated ever since. She is still here, we are going to counselling. She is not sure what she wants to do. Should she stay or go. I have never cried so much in my life. I am not really sure why she is still here. He ticks all the right boxes and they meetings were always exciting. I am stunned that such a good mate could do that to me. Including turning up to my house and drinking my beer, I helped him do up his kitchen and wire out his new shed. To be betrayed by them both is devastating beyond words. While I know the marriage was not perfect, although many of our friends thought we had the perfect relationship, I did not think it was that bad. She never mentioned or showed that she was not happy. His relationship was not good, and I had advised him to go to counselling... now I know why he did not. I feel like I am the toy mouse on the end of a stick for the cat to play with. Why wont my wife decide what she wants to do. What should I do. How do I cope


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Dave_nz said:


> About a month ago I found our my wife was having an affair with one of my best mates. To my shock it had been going on for about 15 months. I have been devastated ever since. She is still here, we are going to counselling. She is not sure what she wants to do. Should she stay or go. I have never cried so much in my life. I am not really sure why she is still here. He ticks all the right boxes and they meetings were always exciting. I am stunned that such a good mate could do that to me. Including turning up to my house and drinking my beer, I helped him do up his kitchen and wire out his new shed. To be betrayed by them both is devastating beyond words. While I know the marriage was not perfect, although many of our friends thought we had the perfect relationship, I did not think it was that bad. She never mentioned or showed that she was not happy. His relationship was not good, and I had advised him to go to counselling... now I know why he did not. I feel like I am the toy mouse on the end of a stick for the cat to play with. Why wont my wife decide what she wants to do. What should I do. How do I cope


Two men are better than one. She likes having the attention of two men, she likes him for excitement/sex and you for a stable home life and security. Plus, if things don't work out with him, she would like to be able to fall back on you.

Why isn't she with him? Will he not commit to her? Is he already taken by a girlfriend or wife? Does he not make enough money to support her? Is she afraid what her relatives and friends will think of her? After all, it is pretty much universally viewed as despicable to cheat on your spouse with one of the spouse's best friends - maybe she is afraid everyone will think that she is a horrible person.

Do you have kids? How long married?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

The reason she won't decide between the two of you is because she doesn't have to.

Force a choice and see who she chooses. Give her one hour to choose. Tell her no choice means she chooses him.

After the hour is up, if she makes no choice, or chooses him, call him up and tell him, "you win, I'll be dropping her off shortly with all her baggage. Then pack up her stuff and drive it and her over to his house and leave her and her baggage on his doorstep.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Dave_nz said:


> About a month ago I found our my wife was having an affair with one of my best mates. To my shock it had been going on for about 15 months. I have been devastated ever since. She is still here, we are going to counselling. She is not sure what she wants to do. Should she stay or go. I have never cried so much in my life. I am not really sure why she is still here. He ticks all the right boxes and they meetings were always exciting. I am stunned that such a good mate could do that to me. Including turning up to my house and drinking my beer, I helped him do up his kitchen and wire out his new shed. To be betrayed by them both is devastating beyond words. While I know the marriage was not perfect, although many of our friends thought we had the perfect relationship, I did not think it was that bad. She never mentioned or showed that she was not happy. His relationship was not good, and I had advised him to go to counselling... now I know why he did not. I feel like I am the toy mouse on the end of a stick for the cat to play with. Why wont my wife decide what she wants to do. What should I do. How do I cope


Why does it matter what she wants to do?

She cheats on you with a "good friend" and she gets to decide if she wants to stay or go?

WTF has happened to the men in this world?

Was there a worldwide testicle removal movement I wasn't told about?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Is other man married? If so, tell his wife about the affair. Don't tell your wife you are doing this.

If his wife already knows, what is going on with other man? Does he have kids?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Will_Kane said:


> The reason she won't decide between the two of you is because she doesn't have to.
> 
> Force a choice and see who she chooses. Give her one hour to choose. Tell her no choice means she chooses him.
> 
> After the hour is up, if she makes no choice, or chooses him, call him up and tell him, "you win, I'll be dropping her off shortly with all her baggage. Then pack up her stuff and drive it and her over to his house and leave her and her baggage on his doorstep.


Do this.

I wouldn't give her the hour.

She'd have about 3 seconds to answer in my favor or her **** would be on the lawn.


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## Dave_nz (Apr 22, 2013)

ok. we have been together 18 years. Married about 11. She has stopped seeing him, although admits she still has feelings. Yes I know most would kick her out, but for the most part we had a good relationship. Many of our friends, including my sister in law, thought our relationship was perfect. Do I just kick 18yrs out of the door... wish I could. No kids...thank goodness


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## Dave_nz (Apr 22, 2013)

the other man was in a relationship. His partner kicked him out. There relationship was not good. She was not always nice to him, but seemed unaware how she treated him.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Dave_nz said:


> ok. we have been together 18 years. Married about 11. She has stopped seeing him, although admits she still has feelings. Yes I know most would kick her out, but for the most part we had a good relationship. Many of our friends, including my sister in law, thought our relationship was perfect. Do I just kick 18yrs out of the door... wish I could. No kids...thank goodness


You don't have to kick her out but letting her drag you around like a lost little puppy ain't helping your position.
Why does she still have control of this relationship even now?

Take will kanes advice, give her an hour to make the call.

If after 18 years she can't figure that out in an hour I don't know why you'd want the witch.

I've been with my wife 15 years with kids and if she cheated she's gone tomorrow.

If by some miracle of fate I actually offered her a reconciliation and she had the gall to disrespect and spit upon such a selfless offer from the man who has loved, supported, and adored her for fifteen years she's out the door faster than a Jehovahs Witness.

How do you not see she doesn't give a damn about you?


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## Dave_nz (Apr 22, 2013)

off to counselling shortly. I think we are nearly at the make or break stage. I am so tired, I just want it al to be over, one way or the other.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Dave_nz said:


> ok. we have been together 18 years. Married about 11. *She has stopped seeing him*, although admits she still has feelings. Yes I know most would kick her out, but for the most part we had a good relationship. Many of our friends, including my sister in law, thought our relationship was perfect. Do I just kick 18yrs out of the door... wish I could. No kids...thank goodness


How do you know she has stopped seeing him? Does she still communicate with him?

So, she says her affair with him is over, but she is not sure she wants to stay with you? If she leaves you, will she be with him? Or on her own? What choices is she trying to choose between?

If "he ticks all her boxes," why is she still with you and not him?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Isn't it likely that if her OM has been kicked out by his girl he's available?

If she stopped seeing the OM what motivation does she have to refuse R with the OP?

I'd bet money she's buying time still seeing the OM.


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## Dave_nz (Apr 22, 2013)

will. She has never been one to make decisions. She knows the hurt she has caused and how she has upset all of our friends. Most of who have not spoken to her since. She said she still loves me.. cant figure that part out. I tried to force her over the weekend to decide. She is going away wed for a few days. I need to know before then. He has issues. Older, has adult children, has a few health issues. I know she does not communicate with him.


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## Dave_nz (Apr 22, 2013)

she has been 100% honest as far as I can tell, even if what she tells me is hard to take. ie she admits she still has feelings. She knows that lies are useless now. There has been too much pain already. Lying will only cause more. She is never late home from work now.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Dave_nz said:


> About a month ago I found our my wife was having an affair with one of my best mates. To my shock it had been going on for about 15 months.


What you have to understand is that the marriage you thought you had was a lie. You haven't had a good marriage for at least the last two or three years. I know this because your wife was screwing your friend for 15 months. And that didn't come out of the blue. It happened because she realized she hates you. And I don't just mean a general dislike. Screwing your husband's friend is the act of a vengeful woman who absolutely despises her husband with the heat of a thousand suns. Sorry.



> I have been devastated ever since. She is still here, we are going to counselling. She is not sure what she wants to do. Should she stay or go.


It's amazing that you are giving her the option of deciding whether you divorce you, or whether to continue cashing your paychecks and living under your roof. That is a tough one.



> I am not really sure why she is still here. He ticks all the right boxes and they meetings were always exciting. I am stunned that such a good mate could do that to me. Including turning up to my house and drinking my beer, I helped him do up his kitchen and wire out his new shed.


If I had to guess, I would say that she enjoys rehashing her exploits to you. Not only did she screw your friend, but she goes to counseling with you to talk about how awesome your friend is/was. Wow. It's back to that hate thing I mentioned earlier.



> Why wont my wife decide what she wants to do. What should I do. How do I cope


She won't make a decision because you're not forcing her to. For now, she can continue to spend your money, eat your food, and watch you cry while she probably calls your ex-friend to laugh about it all.

What you have to do is make a decision. Do you want to reconcile or divorce? In your situation, I would recommend the same course of action in either case. Run the 180. That means changing your behavior 180 degrees from what hasn't worked so far.

You've probably been trying to talk to her about your marriage and offering to change in order to win her back. The 180 ends all that. The 180 is about emotionally disconnecting from her. It will make divorcing her easier. But it sometimes snaps a disloyal spouse out of her fog and makes her realize she is losing her husband. Then, disloyal wives will sometimes recommit to the marriage.

The Healing Heart: The 180

Good luck.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

> WTF has happened to the men in this world?
> 
> Was there a worldwide testicle removal movement I wasn't told about?


my ex-boss referred to it as the "pvssification of America."


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## Dave_nz (Apr 22, 2013)

oh she knows she has stuffed up.. she wont go out, does not want to see anyone, other than a couple of close girlfriends. Has cried a lot as well...says she did not realise what she had etc. Seems genuinely remorseful that she has hurt me so much. But after reading the above posts, it is time she made that decision.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I do not understand why you are still with her. 

A long betrayal with a trusted friend???

I'd have her out in 30 seconds.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Yes it is time for that decision you decide whether to send her packing. Women actually respect this.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

Why is it her decision. You need to look at yourself and why it is ok with you that you can be treated like this.

The fact you are being a doormat means she does not have to make one. Be sure what you want and why do you want someone who does that to you.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you exposed the OM to friend and family as well do they know what kind of jerk he is?

Where is she going? Is she possibly meeting up with him to "explore" her feelings?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Dave_nz said:


> she has been 100% honest *as far as I can tell*, even if what she tells me is hard to take. ie she admits she still has feelings. She knows that lies are useless now. There has been too much pain already. Lying will only cause more. She is never late home from work now.


Sorry to be blunt but where were you for the last 15 months? What has changed that all of a sudden you can tell whether she's honest or not?


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## MeditMike80 (Dec 29, 2012)

Dave_nz said:


> Why wont my wife decide what she wants to do.


I know it's incredibly difficult, but you need to make the decision for her. The longer you wait for her to make it, the more she'll walk all over you.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

MeditMike80 said:


> I know it's incredibly difficult, but you need to make the decision for her. The longer you wait for her to make it, the more she'll walk all over you.


I have to admit this is so very true. It's not her decision.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Kick her out tell her you need time to think, no emotion.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It is not her decision, it is yours!

If she owns her crap and faces this bad behavior head on to conqueror it and affair proof her marriage then you have something to work with.

But if she is hiding from this unhealthy behavior then she is hiding from affair proofing the marriage and it could happen again in 5,10, or 15 years from now.

Sir what *actions* has she taken to affair proof her marriage, what actions has she taken to address her capacity to stop the deceit from the one she loves, what action has she taken to look at her self as an individual that will prevent this from happening again with another relationship, what action has she taken to stop sabotaging the good things in her life?

If it was you that went wayward what would you do to be a better, emotionally healthier individual? What would you be doing to keep you around after such a betrayal?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Another key is how did you find out did she tell you or was she caught or someone else told you?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

What work is she doing to earn a second chance? If you are one doing the chasing shell fence sit forever.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Dave_nz said:


> But after reading the above posts, it is time she made that decision.


 She is the one that cheated, why is it her decsion? If she is not begging for you to take her back, why is it even an option? 

Your wife just learned something that she did not know before. She learned that getting caught by you was not as bad as she thought that it would be, since you taking her back is a given. In fact amazingly she is the one that is given all the power, in that she and she alone gets to decided if there is a future in your marraige. No heavy lifting by her. No hoping by her for a second chance as you are the one made to be hoping that she gives you and the marraige a second chance.

She will give you a second chance but only on her terms. Rule number one will be that you be so grateful that full on rug sweeping will be allowed. Since cheating on you has no long term consequences, she will cheat again when things cool down and she gets the urge. But remember, rug sweeping requires that you make believe that she will not cheat again so no asking questions when your gut tells you that something is wrong again.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Dave_nz said:


> ok. we have been together 18 years. Married about 11. She has stopped seeing him, although admits she still has feelings. Yes I know most would kick her out, but for the most part we had a good relationship. Many of our friends, including my sister in law, thought our relationship was perfect. *Do I just kick 18yrs out of the door.*.. wish I could. No kids...thank goodness


Yes, yes you do. 

There were double betrayals here -- your wife and your best friend.

No kids make it easier to move on. Find a younger new woman, have kids, raise a family - that's the future you should have.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Dave_nz said:


> off to counselling shortly. I think we are nearly at the make or break stage. I am so tired, I just want it al to be over, one way or the other.


It wont be over till you take charge.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I will say this. Your wife is a disgusting woman for cheating with a friend of yours. I don't know why you would want to remain with her. Yes, you have a 18 year history it is the same 18 years she chose to cr*p upon when she cheated with a good (ex)friend of yours. When she tells you she cannot make a choice, she already did. She chose the other man. There is a reason that her friends distanced themselves from her. They are disgusted with her behavior.

What does the counselor have to say ?


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

*Dave:*

*Since you have no children, at least you won't emotionally blackmail yourself on that count, like many Betrayed Husbands seem to do.*


Have no doubts, just as you say your marriage was not perfect, his (the OM's) marriage was not perfect either. Just as you were not the perfect husband, neither was he a perfect husband.

It's just that your wife and he were perfect partners in cheating.
So would you be - a perfect OM. Minus real life's dampeners.


Her allowing your passive humiliation by her OM (everytime you and your 'best friend' interacted) does add a deeper twist to the knife.


A Caveat:
*The 18 years ahead do not have less value than the 18 years in the past.*

I hope you are able to make a decision that is right for you.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

aug said:


> Yes, yes you do.
> 
> There were double betrayals here -- your wife and your best friend.
> 
> No kids make it easier to move on. Find a younger new woman, have kids, raise a family - that's the future you should have.


I have to agree with this.

You have been betrayed by the two people closest to you. Heck, prior to marriage, I had a friend who I would describe as one of my 3 closest friends, all part of the same group. His ex-girlfriend made her interest in me clear and we definitely had a connection. Even in that situation, I treated her as off-limits ... it would have crushed him and destroyed our relationship. You simply don't screw your best friend's wife/girlfriend period.

It's even worse than that; your wife knew that he was your friend. She let you spend time with him, share your life with him, help him out ... all the while looking forward to the next time your friend would bang her ... him, not you. That is a triple betrayal, my friend.

You have no children. You did not deserve this. Obviously your wife and the relationship you had with her is not what you thought it was. You deserve someone with character who would not do this to you.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Dave

Gather your strength. Stop crying and stop trying to "win". You may have thought you had a pretty good marriage. You didn't!

You may think she's quite a catch. She isn't!!

You may think you need her in your life. You don't!!

You may think you just can't go on without her. You CAN! 

Don't ask her. TELL HER to leave. Tell her to leave your house today. Don't say another word to her or shed another tear for her.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

Dave_nz said:


> Do I just kick 18yrs out of the door... wish I could.


*YES .. 18 years certainly did not stop her!*

You need to be the decisive one here Dave. You've been disrespected, deceived, and betrayed in a horrible manner by your wife. And yet, you've not taken real action. It's time to change that and regain control of this situation.

Throw her out. Stop sobbing over the fact you've been together 18 years ... was she sobbing over you as she was having sex with this other man? I don't think so.

Wake up.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

No kids? Sling her out. Date, have fun, travel, find yourself.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Get the book Survivng An Affair by Dr Harley.

Keep in mind that recovery is a 2 to 5 year process. Your mind is in no place to make permanent decisions.

How did you find out about the PA?

How are you making sure WW is having NC/no contact with the OM?

How did WW end the PA? Did she send a NC letter to the OM?


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

tacoma said:


> *I've been with my wife 15 years with kids and if she cheated she's gone tomorrow.*


While I agree with what you have said in most of your posts (not just this one), I simply must point this out.

You say that. It's pretty easy to say. "She's gone tomorrow", despite 15 years and children. Say it again and it will most certainly roll off of your tongue fairly fluently.

But put in the situation in real life with real issues and you are ready to make with one fell swoop a decision based purely on "If she cheated she's gone"...I can promise you, those words will not simply fall from your mouth.

I hope your mettle never gets tested.


Dave...as others have said, she's with you 18 years and suddenly doesn't know what she wants?! Don't buy it. In your last post you said she knows she "stuffed up" and that she's showing remorse, but she's got a lot more to do than that. 

This mate needs to be put out of your life for good. A no contact letter sent and he'd be lucky to not get a foot drop kicked in his ass...but don't resort to violence. It always backfires.

Cell phone(s), passwords to all accounts are just the beginning of her being fully transparent to you if you choose to reconcile. SHE is the one who f'd up and SHE is the only one who takes 100% blame for her affair. Period. Nothing in the smallest part is your fault when it comes to her decision to have and carry on an affair.

Reconciliation...MC...all of that stuff will only work if BOTH of your are on the same page and want the same thing.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> What you have to understand is that the marriage you thought you had was a lie. You haven't had a good marriage for at least the last two or three years. I know this because your wife was screwing your friend for 15 months. And that didn't come out of the blue. It happened because she realized she hates you. And I don't just mean a general dislike. Screwing your husband's friend is the act of a vengeful woman who absolutely despises her husband with the heat of a thousand suns. Sorry.
> 
> 
> Good luck.


OR...since she socially interacted with ANOTHER charming, nice fellow with the stamp of approval from her husband, maybe instead of _hate with the heat of a thousand suns_, maybe she was a stupid bint with poor boundaries.

Because...you know...she hasn't tried to rape him in divorce, emptied his accounts or knifed him in his sleep.

I could be wrong.

What are the sleeping and sex arrangements now?


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Here is a (real) cheaters translation for what she is saying:

She has been boffing this guy so long she is seriously emotionally disconnected with you. Between that and her guilt, she doesn't know if she can'make things right' and she knows it will be incredibly painful for both of you.

So...should she make the effort for a man she does not love (right now)?

Thing is, she CAN emotionally reconnect, but it isn't simple OR fast.

And maybe she isn't worth the effort. Maybe you aren't in her mind.

Tell her it CAN get better but only if she puts her big girl panties on and works for it.

So far, she hasn't

Again, don't worry about her attitude. Worry what YOU want to do. Think hard.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

cledus_snow said:


> my ex-boss referred to it as the "pvssification of America."




Its pace is tooo disgusting.......


OP its your life your choice, dont let a cheater choose for you. Dont you have a choice for your life? To live or not to live with a cheater?


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Where will best mate be when your wife goes away this week? By permitting her to make the decision you are giving her power of you that she should not have. 

If you have not already done so. I would out "best mate". To his family church and your mutual friends. What a piece of work both of them are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

cledus_snow said:


> my ex-boss referred to it as the "pvssification of America."


Tom? Is that you?


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Dave NZ,

I feel for you. Here's what you have to learn, whether you save your marriage or get rid of it, it's the same path. You're getting and are going to continue to get the same advice because what YOU have to do is the same regardless of your future decisions.

Here's why. 
1. The marriage you had is dead. She killed it. It can NEVER be the same. Because of that, you need to have the funeral, burial and mourning time. This means you have to separate yourself from your wife (this is the 180 you're going to hear about). You have to properly grieve and not hold onto what was. If you don't properly bury your old marriage then it will poorly affect your perception of your future marriage (or single life).

2. You need to relearn your wife. You thought you were married to one woman. It turns out she's a COMPLETELY different woman. Which means you have to start new. You have to "press the reset button". Here's what you know of her. She can be the wife you had at one point, but she can ALSO be a lying (through omission or deception), cheating, two timing hoe....(please don't take offense to this, she WAS that, it doesn't define ALL of her, but that is PART of her).

3. Your wife has to learn that her actions have consequences. The reason you kick her out is to teach her consequences. (I'm not saying she's a dog, but run with this analogy). If you have a VERY loyal dog, but you put a steak on the counter all day. You tell the dog not to eat it, but don't actually DO anything. What will happen. At some point, when you're not watching....GOBBLE GOBBLE. Steak is gone. Now, if you NEVER actually did anything to punish the dog, so it doesn't think there are consequences to eating the steak (giving in to temptation) guess what will happen the next time?
Your wife, RIGHT NOW, has no consequences. Please don't think the "pain" is consequence. She knew there'd be pain when she was polishing your best mate's knob. When he was shooting his load in her, she knew you were being betrayed DOUBLY. But it wasn't important enough at that time. So you need to show her the consequences of her actions. KICK HER OUT. If she TRULY loves you and is TRULY remorseful, you'll see it.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

She's going away on Wed?

Not good, Dave.

If that happens you should change the locks...


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## mike1974 (Apr 22, 2013)

women normally have affairs for many reasons, one is seeking attention, your mate looked upon her said what she wanted to hear and if you give her same forgive and get on with it all can be well, the love of a good woman is hard to find, personally I couldn't forgive but depends on circumstances only you can know. If I forgave her I would be at every brothel for the rest of my life sweet revenge ....


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

mike1974 said:


> If I forgave her I would be at every brothel for the rest of my life sweet revenge ....


Well, that wouldn't be forgiveness, now would it?


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## The bishop (Aug 19, 2012)

Why are you allowing this? Why are you allowing her to decide. You are the back up plan. Take it from a cheater..... she will cheat again, you haven't done a thing to stop her. 

You decide not her


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Well, let me provide a bit of perspective over the 'alpha hooting'.

There is a division of labor in an R.

He needs to decide if he wants to keep this woman. His tone indicates he does. (BTW...it is a REALLY WEAK tone)

BUT....*she gets to make that choice too*. Maybe she's tired of the relationship. Maybe she can't deal with the guilt. Maybe he doesn't like roses and she wants to plant them.

Doesn't matter! Marriage is not like nukes. It only takes ONE key to make it a wasteland...but it takes two keys to fix things.

While I agree she needs to do some heavy lifting, first she needs to figure out if she wants to be there.

So it ISN'T just HIS choice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Hicks said:


> She's going away on Wed?
> 
> Not good, Dave.
> 
> If that happens you should change the locks...


She might not have a choice. Remember Lost At Sea. 

So...one simple solution: remember that division of labor?

*It is her job to make you feel comfortable about this trip.*

She broke it. She fixes it.

If she needs to turn on the GPS on her phone, too bad.

I follow the 5 minute rule for cheating phone etiquette: the cheater needs to ANSWER the phone within 5 minutes of the call.

If you feel uncertain, you can demand a picture sent. Immediately.

This might be too 'aggressive' for your tastes.

In which case you can merely pray she feels bad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Do you think she had no problem screwing this best friend of yours behind your back for a year and a half and putting your health at risk for STD's because she knew down deep that if she got caught or confessed you would forgive her anyway and therefore had nothing to lose?

If the roles were reversed would your wife be so accepting and forgiving as you have been? I doubt it. She has played you for a total fool. You know that there had to be times when you had sex with her after she had been with him. Did she do it in your home as well. Nevertheless she has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

BryanP...I know this is probably something just in my head, but it seems like 70% or so of your posts include the STD line. Like, I see that in most of your posts. Did you get an STD from a wayward?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

SomedayDig said:


> While I agree with what you have said in most of your posts (not just this one), I simply must point this out.
> 
> You say that. It's pretty easy to say. "She's gone tomorrow", despite 15 years and children. Say it again and it will most certainly roll off of your tongue fairly fluently.
> 
> ...


It's been tested.

I understand it's not easy but I have these boundaries that I do not cross or allow anyone else to cross either and if knew my wife had been with another man she would indeed be out of my house within a day if I chose to have it that way.
She is aware of this.

I don't allow my emotions to get in the way of doing what is right anymore.



> Dave...as others have said, she's with you 18 years and suddenly doesn't know what she wants?! Don't buy it. In your last post you said she knows she "stuffed up" and that she's showing remorse, but she's got a lot more to do than that.
> 
> This mate needs to be put out of your life for good. A no contact letter sent and he'd be lucky to not get a foot drop kicked in his ass...but don't resort to violence. It always backfires.
> 
> ...


Agreed.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

tacoma said:


> It's been tested.
> 
> I understand it's not easy but I have these boundaries that I do not cross or allow anyone else to cross either and if knew my wife had been with another man she would indeed be out of my house within a day if I chose to have it that way.
> She is aware of this.
> ...




Understood and I apologize for speaking out of turn on being "tested".


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

SomedayDig said:


> Understood and I apologize for speaking out of turn on being "tested".


No apology required and there was no speaking out of turn.
You are generally correct in your opinion.

My boundary on this is mine and very personal due to past experience.

However I have no problem understanding wanting to reconcile and in fact am often awed by the strength a BS needs to even attempt it.

I hold no opinion that D is "better" than "R" and understand it's situational and personal to each BS and their marriage.


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> The reason she won't decide between the two of you is because she doesn't have to.
> 
> Force a choice and see who she chooses. Give her one hour to choose. Tell her no choice means she chooses him.
> 
> After the hour is up, if she makes no choice, or chooses him, call him up and tell him, "you win, I'll be dropping her off shortly with all her baggage. Then pack up her stuff and drive it and her over to his house and leave her and her baggage on his doorstep.


+1

Let us know how it went.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I do not want to hijack but to respond to SomedayDig the answer is Yes.


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

Dave_nz said:


> ok. we have been together 18 years. Married about 11. She has stopped seeing him, although admits she still has feelings. Yes I know most would kick her out, but for the most part we had a good relationship. Many of our friends, including my sister in law, thought our relationship was perfect. *Do I just kick 18yrs out of the door...* wish I could. No kids...thank goodness


If there is one lesson that is absolutely certain from reading the stories on this board, it is this:

Men who immediately take drastic action save their marriages.
Men who don't (like you) lose their wife and their marriage.

The above rule is as certain as the law of gravity. If you want ot save your marriage, you must take drastic action; you must push it right to the edge; you must risk losing everything to save it.

Anything less, and you *will* lose your marriage.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Blue Firefly said:


> If there is one lesson that is absolutely certain from reading the stories on this board, it is this:
> 
> Men who immediately take drastic action save their marriages.
> Men who don't (like you) lose their wife and their marriage.
> ...


Wazza did not do this.

SomedayDig didn't do this.

MattMatt didn't do this.

But BESIDES THEM, you are correct.

Now, did they succeed DESPITE not taking drastic action, or did they use an alternative method which has occasional success?


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

bryanp said:


> I do not want to hijack but to respond to SomedayDig the answer is Yes.


Didn't mean to hit "like", but just that you had the cajones to respond.

t/j finished.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Blue Firefly said:


> If there is one lesson that is absolutely certain from reading the stories on this board, it is this:
> 
> Men who immediately take drastic action save their marriages.
> Men who don't (like you) lose their wife and their marriage.
> ...


Just to back this up. I dumped my WW on dday. There was no offer of R. Just GTFO. We wound up back together. She never gave OM anything after that.

Yes there is a chance she'll walk, but if she does, she was going to walk anyway.


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## Dave_nz (Apr 22, 2013)

the last 15 months I was too busy with work, every one around me was quite, I was working weekends and a few nights. Busiest I had been in 19yrs of being self employed. There were no signs until this year. I begun to think there was something wrong. Then out for dinner one night and I saw the way she looked at him, and him at her. I just looked at her and her faced dropped and she turned bright red. The look said it all. I felt sick. Left there and went home. Told the other friends there I was tired. Then my world fell apart. All because I did not pay her enough attention and compliments. You have no idea the mess its made. Friendships shattered. respect lost. After reading many of the comments I have decided it is time for her to move out


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

OK so you were very busy with work - so what? You were not working for yourself alone were you? You were working to provide a better life for you and your wife. What was she doing to support you while you were working you azz off for her? Oh yeah, screwing one of your best friends, that's what. And the worst part is that they were doing it right in front of you and lying to you. 

The affair is 100% her choice. You did not cause it. Did she come to you and say if you do not cut back on working so many hours, I am going to have an affair with OM? No. She chose to do it. It is not your fault.

Please do not be her Plan B. Take the option of Dave off the table for now. You decide what you want to do next for you. It should not be her decision.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Do not blame her decisions on you or your work. It's very easy to fault others for our actions. It's also not right to accept blame for the decisions others make. 

You might have neglected your wife during those months. You shouldn't have been out drinking and chasing other women. Ohhhhhh wait! You weren't doing that. You were busting your butt trying to make a better life for you and your family. 

She has no shame. Tell her you will drive her to the OM's house - take all her things in garbage bags and drop all the garbage at the OM's door.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

A man cannot sit idly by waiting for his woman to fall back in love with him...the fact she's "confused" should be a massive red flag.

She's not confused, if opportunity presented itself she'd be with OM in a flash..

"confused" is she is with you but thinking of him..

"confused" is the feelings she's feeling for him but can't with you

"confused" is cant wait to get away for a few days so I can talk to him in private

She is not confused...you are (not to put you down)

You want R, so you're hoping that she will change her mind, you play nice and she'll realize the error of her ways and decide it's you she wants..so you give her space, don't press her, let her decide but she's doing it on your time not hers, so she can let these emotions boil until the point where she can't pretend and she tired of sneaking around..

You can't force someone to love or want you. The most painful thing is to let someone go, detach, but you are allowing her to cake eat, she can still have you both, maybe the only thing stopping her is the guilt of what it may do to you but do you want her to stay with you out of pity? She values him much more as a man at this moment in time than you. You must reclaim this. Jolt her out of the fantasy she has in her head.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Did you verify that the affair was as long as she say it was or did you take her word for it ?


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

You need to step up and and be a man here. She has zero respect for you (as indicated by her cheating) and you being soft and leaving things up to her makes it even worse.

First of all, do you want to be with a woman who would betray you so profoundly?? Why? And with your best friend? 

Whether or not you decide to try and save this marriage, you need to boot her out. Tell her you don't want to be with an adulterer and send her away. Tell her you are filing for divorce. Show her you are a MAN with integrity and self respect. You are showing her, by being mamby pamby, that you have NO self respect. 

She has your balls in her purse and is controlling you like a puppet.

Personally I would want nothing to do with her or your "mate". Kick them both to the curb and find a decent woman and a true friend.

Sorry you are in this situation and sorry to seem harsh. But this is the reality, my friend.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

Dave_nz said:


> ok. we have been together 18 years. Married about 11. She has stopped seeing him, although admits she still has feelings. Yes I know most would kick her out, but for the most part we had a good relationship. Many of our friends, including my sister in law, thought our relationship was perfect. Do I just kick 18yrs out of the door... wish I could. No kids...thank goodness


No kids? Leave her.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

At the very least she needs to understand what it is she is losing. I think you are wise to have her move out. When she does, go dark on her. Do not call her, do not answer her calls, texts, emails, nothing. Pitch black. Use that time to think about what you really want.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Cheating is bad enough, but to have him sit across from you and lie to your face like that is honestly very cruel and humiliating and shows a complete disregard for you by both of them.


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## Dave_nz (Apr 22, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> Did you verify that the affair was as long as she say it was or did you take her word for it ?


At first she would not tell me exactly when it started. she was trying not to hurt me any more. I then explained that I did not want any more lies. I could deal with the truth, no matter how hard. Lies only hurt more. She then told me when. She has suffered way more than she thought she would... small town. She understands the mess they have caused and the consequences of the affair.


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## Dave_nz (Apr 22, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> Cheating is bad enough, but to have him sit across from you and lie to your face like that is honestly very cruel and humiliating and shows a complete disregard for you by both of them.


 Yes the betrayal by a really good friend is hard to take.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Dave - drop her and do it tonight or very soon. 

Don't drink too much - you'll be liable to make poor decisions if you do. 

You are going to be okay in the long run.


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## Dave_nz (Apr 22, 2013)

no. I don't drink a lot. Cant see the point of drinking to excess.. Too much in life to enjoy, or there was... and will be again, to waste it recovering from excess drinking.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Once again,"what is a friend"?
Dave works until he's ready to drop dead in order to finance his wife's affair with this slab of meat he refers to his"friend", and now is apologetic for "not doing enough" to keep her happy.
Time for Dave to think about Dave and let the two rutting
lovers find another way to finance their lifestyle.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Dave start the 180. it's a link at the bottom of my post.


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## Dave_nz (Apr 22, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> Dave start the 180. it's a link at the bottom of my post.


Just read both links. thankyou


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Jesus, so many of these threads lately - its a bloody epidemic I tell you!!

You get to feeling it's about time we had a sticky that said basically 

"you the BS has to nail your WS arse to the wall, get full and unconditional remorse or you're just wasting everybody's time and setting yourself up for another ten years of heartache and emotional wreckage" - NOW DO IT

There's hardly any evidence to the contrary and the truth seems to be that if you want your WS back a true and healthy reconciliation - *then NAIL THEM*. Experience from here seems to indicate if you do not do that it's all done 

Exceptions to this are about 2 in a hundred

Now get the hammer out


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Dave_nz said:


> She has suffered way more than she thought she would... small town. She understands the mess they have caused and the consequences of the affair.


What are/have been the consequences for her?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Dave_nz said:


> Just read both links. thankyou


read through this one too. 

newbie thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Dave----Did you realize, that you get only ONE TRIP THRU LIFE ON THIS PLANET----one---only one---did you know that????

Why the "F" are you allowing your wife to decide how the rest of that one trip thru life will be spent

There may be marital problems, but prior to the cheating at least you had peace of mind, and your days, were for the most part OK----now they are filled with misery----AND THEY WILL STAY FILLED WITH MISERY, AS LONG AS YOU STAY WITH THIS WOMAN

Remember one trip thru life---it is supposed to basically be enjoyable, and happy---it will never be enjoyable and happy, if you stay with this cheater you have for a wife

Its on you---your future can be miserable----or in time maybe enjoyable again---its ON YOU---NOT on her.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Dave_nz said:


> ok. we have been together 18 years. Married about 11. She has stopped seeing him, although admits she still has feelings. Yes I know most would kick her out, *but for the most part we had a good relationship.* Many of our friends, including my sister in law, thought our relationship was perfect. Do I just kick 18yrs out of the door... wish I could. No kids...thank goodness


You thought you had a good relationship. She was banging this other guy for 15 months. That marriage you thought you had may never have really exisited but for sure that marriage is gone now. If you R it will be a new marriage. But ask yourself if this was her first affair.


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## overthink (Apr 18, 2013)

Dave_nz said:


> the last 15 months I was too busy with work, every one around me was quite, I was working weekends and a few nights. Busiest I had been in 19yrs of being self employed. There were no signs until this year. I begun to think there was something wrong. *Then out for dinner one night and I saw the way she looked at him, and him at her. I just looked at her and her faced dropped and she turned bright red.* The look said it all. I felt sick. Left there and went home. Told the other friends there I was tired. Then my world fell apart. All because I did not pay her enough attention and compliments. You have no idea the mess its made. Friendships shattered. respect lost. After reading many of the comments I have decided it is time for her to move out


I can't help but wonder how much longer the affair would have gone on if you didn't catch the "look" they were giving each other.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

overthink said:


> I can't help but wonder how much longer the affair would have gone on if you didn't catch the "look" they were giving each other.


It all depend on how deep one buries their head in the sand.

Some folks will even pull in more sand in and the wayward spouses affair could go on for 30..even 60 months!

The power of deniel is under estimated IMHO.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> You thought you had a good relationship. She was banging this other guy for 15 months. That marriage you thought you had may never have really exisited but for sure that marriage is gone now. If you R it will be a new marriage. But ask yourself if this was her first affair.


18 x 12 = 216

15 divided by 216 = .0694

So she was cheating for 7% of the marriage.

That leaves 93%.

Just for a comparison.


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## Dave_nz (Apr 22, 2013)

well today I have ask her to move out. As much as anything it is doing my head in, and after reading some of these comments it is a little clearer. We are still going to counselling. I said if she comes back it has to be with a 100% commitment to try and rebuild. Really I have nothing to loose. Someone asked how she had suffered.. friends don't talk to her, most are angry with her, the OMW put a dress of hers over a biscuit board in town, the dress had some not so nice words on it, and it named my WS. She then took a pic and sent it to my WS. Little did my WS know that she took the pic and then took the dress away. She spent one night crying the whole night. I could here her from the room next door. I have never heard her cry so much. Thursday is my birthday. That will be the first time in 18yrs that she has not been next to me on the morning of my birthday. Each day since I found out, I get a little stronger. Some days you slip back. I know I have to move forward. I have lots of really good friends around me, they have been awesome. No advise form them, just support. Its also been a wake up call for a few of them.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

JCD said:


> 18 x 12 = 216
> 
> 15 divided by 216 = .0694
> 
> ...


If she had no trouble sleeping with his best friend, what makes you think this is the first time she cheated?

From personal experience and reading other stories on the web, it's very likely she has had a few more affairs under her belt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Do this.
> 
> I wouldn't give her the hour.
> 
> She'd have about 3 seconds to answer in my favor or her **** would be on the lawn.


I wouldn't even give her any choice.

She chose his best mate. For 15 months already!

Case closed.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Dave_nz said:


> well today I have ask her to move out. As much as anything it is doing my head in, and after reading some of these comments it is a little clearer. We are still going to counselling. I said if she comes back it has to be with a 100% commitment to try and rebuild. Really I have nothing to loose. Someone asked how she had suffered.. friends don't talk to her, most are angry with her, the OMW put a dress of hers over a biscuit board in town, the dress had some not so nice words on it, and it named my WS. She then took a pic and sent it to my WS. Little did my WS know that she took the pic and then took the dress away. She spent one night crying the whole night. I could here her from the room next door. I have never heard her cry so much. Thursday is my birthday. That will be the first time in 18yrs that she has not been next to me on the morning of my birthday. Each day since I found out, I get a little stronger. Some days you slip back. I know I have to move forward. I have lots of really good friends around me, they have been awesome. No advise form them, just support. Its also been a wake up call for a few of them.


Dude, do 180.
You will be alright in some months.

Just let her go.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Dave_nz said:


> Thursday is my birthday. That will be the first time in 18yrs that she has not been next to me on the morning of my birthday. Each day since I found out, I get a little stronger. Some days you slip back. I know I have to move forward. I have lots of really good friends around me, they have been awesome. No advise form them, just support. Its also been a wake up call for a few of them.


Yes you will have good and bad days. It took me three years to get over my first ex-wife. I loved her like crazy, and we had only been together less than two years! I could not imagine what it would be like to split up with someone who you have been with for as long as you have been with your WW.

But as time passes and the pain lessens and you gain a better perspective, I think you will come to see that she has been a drain on your life in far more ways than just her infidelity. I think you will find with each passing day just how much of yourself you gave up just to make her happy.

Your WW and best friend and people like them are vampires -- narcissists who care only about their own well being and pleasure. 

I think you have been given a new lease on life mate. As second chance to be happy and whole. Get out there and take advantage of it.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Dave_nz said:


> well today I have ask her to move out. As much as anything it is doing my head in, and after reading some of these comments it is a little clearer. We are still going to counselling. I said if she comes back it has to be with a 100% commitment to try and rebuild. Really I have nothing to loose. Someone asked how she had suffered.. friends don't talk to her, most are angry with her, the OMW put a dress of hers over a biscuit board in town, the dress had some not so nice words on it, and it named my WS. She then took a pic and sent it to my WS. Little did my WS know that she took the pic and then took the dress away. She spent one night crying the whole night. I could here her from the room next door. I have never heard her cry so much. Thursday is my birthday. That will be the first time in 18yrs that she has not been next to me on the morning of my birthday. Each day since I found out, I get a little stronger. Some days you slip back. I know I have to move forward. I have lots of really good friends around me, they have been awesome. No advise form them, just support. Its also been a wake up call for a few of them.



What was she crying for ?

For hurting you or for herself and her own loss of lover ?


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

keko said:


> If she had no trouble sleeping with his best friend, what makes you think this is the first time she cheated?
> 
> From personal experience and reading other stories on the web, it's very likely she has had a few more affairs under her belt.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Which facts are you basing that on?

She slept with the best friend because a) she liked him, b) he was available c)she got overly comfortable with him and d) she developed poor boundaries.

This makes more sense then the idea she worked her way up from servicing the 7th fleet to putting a shiv in him by screwing his best friend.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Has the OM suffered in a similar way as your wife is, or is he not feeling the same scorn and ridicule from the town? I'm just curious to see if everyone is judging the two in the same light. If your wife is getting the brunt of it, I wonder if the OM threw her under the bus and told everyone in town that your wife seduced him and that he was "powerless" against her charms. If you and your wife ever reconcile, I can't see how the two of you can live in your current town.
> 
> Someone asked why your wife is crying so hard. My guess is that a lot of it is based on how much she ruined her own life because of her affair. She has practically no friends, because it's a small town most people know what she did, and she probably can't show her face in public without being glared at. Maybe part of her crying is also related to how she hurt you and/or how she lost her OM. I have no idea how much of that is in there, but I would say that right now she feels like she ruined her life.


I agree that the OM needs to get his share of shame. Ask all your mutual married male friends exactly how they can trust their wives around this guy and suggest that they ask their wives if he has ever hit on them. Suddenly, he will be VERY socially unpopular. His wife is mad because she's tethered to him and will unfairly get her form of abuse.

But let's not project. The wife is crying because her life turned to sh*t AND her friends hate her, AND she threw away her marriage AND she hurt her kids, husband, and parents AND she's failed to live up to her moral code AND she is someone she doesn't want to be...and she will be that person FOREVER! Nathanial Hawthorne was a brilliant man. She has that A on her bosom forever. Even if she moves. Even if she gives him everything.

People are being too simplistic with the motives and regrets of some of these waywards. Women who cry like this aren't cold blooded adulteresses.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> *What was she crying for* ?
> 
> For hurting you or for herself and her own loss of lover ?




Even after one month of Dday she didn't choose OP over OM. She choose OM over OP for 15 months.She still says she had feelings for OM then definitely she cried not for OP but for herself and OM. 

May be she is so hurt that, the Affair put OM in trouble,shame and she couldnt do anything to prevent it.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> Even after one month of Dday she didn't choose OP over OM. She choose OM over OP for 15 months.She still says she had feelings for OM then definitely she cried not for OP but for herself and OM.
> 
> May be she is so hurt that, the Affair put OM in trouble,shame and she couldnt do anything to prevent it.


Why choose one?


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Dave_nz said:


> ok. we have been together 18 years. Married about 11. She has stopped seeing him, although admits she still has feelings. Yes I know most would kick her out, but for the most part we had a good relationship. Many of our friends, including my sister in law, thought our relationship was perfect. *Do I just kick 18yrs out of the door... wish I could*. No kids...thank goodness




Length of relationship, Duration of cheating, Age nothing matters when you put your self-respect above all.

99-year-old man divorces wife of 77 years after discovering she had affair 60 years ago | Mail Online


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

JCD said:


> So she was cheating for 7% of the marriage.
> 
> That leaves 93%.
> 
> Just for a comparison.


She was cheating for 7% of the marriage *that he knows about*. And the OP said that his excess work (the reason he has given for her affair) started 15 months ago. So, the very minute that he started staying at work late, his wife started screwing his good friend.

That doesn't sound like the typical scenario of mild neglect leading to eroding boundaries. It sounds more like a scenario of a woman actively looking for an excuse to cheat.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> She was cheating for 7% of the marriage *that he knows about*. And the OP said that his excess work (the reason he has given for her affair) started 15 months ago. So, the very minute that he started staying at work late, his wife started screwing his good friend.
> 
> That doesn't sound like the typical scenario of mild neglect leading to eroding boundaries. It sounds more like a scenario of a woman actively looking for an excuse to cheat.


Hmm....so when she SUDDENLY has her husband missing for her life, she tries to fill the lack with 'friends'...and one of them is OVERLY friendly.

Or...based on nothing whatsoever, she HAS been cheating and doing it so very well that the husband never had a suspicion. Not once.

It's POSSIBLE. which is more PROBABLE?


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> Length of relationship, Duration of cheating, Age nothing matters when you put your self-respect above all.
> 
> 99-year-old man divorces wife of 77 years after discovering she had affair 60 years ago | Mail Online


Sunk costs is more than just a business term.

Focusing on sunk costs (projects they have invested money into in the past) instead of where they want to be 1, 2, or 5 years in the future is one of the worst mistakes companies make. Entire books have been written about how to avoid that simple mistake.

The logic applies to life also.


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## ExisaWAW (Mar 5, 2013)

Dave, I feel for you buddy. You've been getting a lot of tough love from many of the posters in your thread. You were married for a long time. I know the pain of betrayal as well my ex & I were married for 13 years & had 2 beautiful girls. I discovered her affair & tried to get her to stay & work it out. She wanted & got a divorce. The guys who posted on your thread would have chewed me up & spit me out if I would have posted here. I pined over my ex throughout the D process and even after we were divorced!!

I'm now embarrassed by my actions. Believe it or not, I'm still not completely over her. We have to interact because of our girls from time to time & I still look fwd to getting texts from her about her real estate classes, etc. It's a real sickness. At least I am aware of it & I'm trying to move on. Even though she is no longer with the OM, she's had a BF for about a year now. 

And yet she still makes contact with me from time to time, fully realizing that it's not emotionally healthy for me & that I have a very difficult time ignoring her. Who knows why she does this. She never flirts with me or shows any signs of wanting to get back together. Chances are good that she's a narcissist and likes the attention she gets from me. I have a friend who went through a nearly exact situation and he immediately kicked his wife to the curb and never looked back. His x called him a year later begging him to take her back. He laughed at her. This guy is my hero. 

Why am I telling you this? So you don't end up like me. My ex has no respect for me. I have limited respect for myself. Even my 12 year old daughter wants me to move on. I understand how hard it is to say goodbye to all the years, the memories, the dreams you once shared, etc. But, she threw all that away & you can never get it back. It has been said that it takes two to make a marriage work but only one to ruin it. That's so true. 

Walk away with your dignity intact. Thank God you didn't have any children with this loser. When you are ready, you'll find love again, no matter your age. Make sure you choose wisely next time. Make sure you take your time. It's my belief that you are in love with a ghost. The woman you fell in love with & married is dead & gone. You will start to see this better as time goes on. You are in the fog now so you can't see it. Trust the posters here. They're good. I wished I would have found these boards while I was still married or right after my D was final. Still. I'm headed in the right direction but my pace towards acceptance us dreadfully slow. 

I hope you get there much more quickly. Let go or she will destroy you. You're far too good of a man to do that to yourself. Good luck & Godspeed!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

ExisaWAW said:


> Dave, I feel for you buddy. You've been getting a lot of tough love from many of the posters in your thread. You were married for a long time. I know the pain of betrayal as well my ex & I were married for 13 years & had 2 beautiful girls. I discovered her affair & tried to get her to stay & work it out. She wanted & got a divorce. The guys who posted on your thread would have chewed me up & spit me out if I would have posted here. I pined over my ex throughout the D process and even after we were divorced!!
> 
> I'm now embarrassed by my actions. Believe it or not, I'm still not completely over her. We have to interact because of our girls from time to time & I still look fwd to getting texts from her about her real estate classes, etc. It's a real sickness. At least I am aware of it & I'm trying to move on. Even though she is no longer with the OM, she's had a BF for about a year now.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

I couldn't have possibly said it any better. 

And for you ExisaWAW, it's time for you to get up the strength now to say to your XW, goodbye for good. It's time for you to cut off all contact with her except for the kids. Next time she contacts you about something unrelated, tell her straight up that you're not the man she divorced any more, the one that pined after her, that you've moved on and don't want her to keep contacting you out of the blue.


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## Dave_nz (Apr 22, 2013)

for what it is worth, the OM, has suffered as well, but probably not to the same extent. The betrayal by some one I thought was a good mate is also had to take. Esp as I consider myself to be a very loyal friend. His adult daughters are ashamed of him. He has lost mutual friends ...for now. But people forgive and move on. He has destroyed the group we had, and that will never rebuild. No more holidays together. Its my birthday tomorrow and the OM partner is doing dinner for me and inviting some friends over. WW is flying out of town tonight. When she come back she is staying with a long time friend and not coming back until we sort what direction we are going. I am going to take that time to think about what I want. I thought I was really sure that I wanted her back. I know she is like a drug to me. with her away I will be able to think clearer. Already I do wonder if I want some one who did not think about me or her friend. ( OM partner as well as a friend ). Might to time to call it a day and move on..as hard as that will be.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

Someone who cuckolds you with your best friend is no longer worth the time and energy it would take to attempt a reconciliation. Cut your losses and move on. Do not allow her to take any more precious time from you, life is short.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Happy birthday Dave.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Dave_nz said:


> for what it is worth, the OM, has suffered as well, but probably not to the same extent. The betrayal by some one I thought was a good mate is also had to take. Esp as I consider myself to be a very loyal friend. His adult daughters are ashamed of him. He has lost mutual friends ...for now. But people forgive and move on. He has destroyed the group we had, and that will never rebuild. No more holidays together. Its my birthday tomorrow and the OM partner is doing dinner for me and inviting some friends over. WW is flying out of town tonight. When she come back she is staying with a long time friend and not coming back until we sort what direction we are going. I am going to take that time to think about what I want. I thought I was really sure that I wanted her back. I know she is like a drug to me. with her away I will be able to think clearer. Already I do wonder if I want some one who did not think about me or her friend. ( OM partner as well as a friend ). Might to time to call it a day and move on..as hard as that will be.


You don't have to take any decison right away. Take your time making one.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> You don't have to take any decison right away. Take your time making one.


Exactly!

She is gone. You have a lot of weighing to do.

Since you have no kids, which is very much a glue in marriage, I'd think VERY HARD about how much more I would invest in her and I'm generally a pro R guy.

I've made her actions more understandable, but that doesn't mean I condone them.

IF you choose to R, there is something to work with. I don't think she's a monster, but because of the kid thing, I'm just curious what exactly she brings to the table to keep her. While you have that cute stuff you did on that trip, and that nice thing she did last winter...there is also the fact she was sucking and fvcking your friend.

So she has cost you a LOT. She'd better have something pretty positive above some nice memories and being easy to the relationship.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

JCD said:


> Which facts are you basing that on?
> 
> She slept with the best friend because a) she liked him, b) he was available c)she got overly comfortable with him and d) she developed poor boundaries.
> 
> This makes more sense then the idea she worked her way up from servicing the 7th fleet to putting a shiv in him by screwing his best friend.


Facts? They're what I saw in person and read online.

Read my post's carefully before commenting on it.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

keko said:


> Facts? They're what I saw in person and read online.
> 
> Read my post's carefully before commenting on it.


OH! Why didn't you SAY that? You SAW her cheat before this guy.

I apologize.

Because seeing A person cheat many many times does not mean ALL people cheat many many times.

With women, the opposite really. THEY fall in LURV.

Guys tend to put up a ticket rack for their bedpartners.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

JCD said:


> Hmm....so when she SUDDENLY has her husband missing for her life, she tries to fill the lack with 'friends'...and one of them is OVERLY friendly.
> 
> Or...based on nothing whatsoever, she HAS been cheating and doing it so very well that the husband never had a suspicion. Not once.
> 
> It's POSSIBLE. which is more PROBABLE?


I'm not saying that she's probably cheated in the past. I'm simply allowing for the possibility. That's why cheating in so insidious. Once you've done it, why not do it again? Liars lie. Thieves steal. Cheaters cheat. He can never be sure that he knows all the details of her every betrayal.

As for the timeline on her cheating with his friend, we know that within days (perhaps a week or two) of his getting busy at work, she was in the sack with his friend. Now, you may think that's an understandable consequence when a man has a big project or two at the office. I don't.

I could understand better if the OP had said that he started working long hours five years ago and his wife could no longer bear the loneliness. But it only took his wife days to step out.

If I was the OP, I would pray that I didn't get the flu. Two or three days without tending to his wife will certainly leave her looking at other options. But hey, that's just the way women are, right? You can't turn your back on them.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

JCD said:


> With women, the opposite really. THEY fall in LURV.
> 
> Guys tend to put up a ticket rack for their bedpartners.


Actually, women and men cheat at about the same rate.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> With women, the opposite really. THEY fall in LURV.
> 
> Guys tend to put up a ticket rack for their bedpartners.


Playing to the stereotypes ? That view are pretty outdated. We have ample evidence for that on TAM itself


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

JCD said:


> With women, the opposite really. THEY fall in LURV.
> 
> Guys tend to put up a ticket rack for their bedpartners.


Where are your facts?

Have you seen and examined every women that cheated to come to that conclusion?

Have you seen and examined every men that cheated to come to that conclusion?


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> Happy birthday Dave.


I think today would be his b day.

If so, happy b day Dave. It will work out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dave_nz (Apr 22, 2013)

jim123 said:


> I think today would be his b day.
> 
> If so, happy b day Dave. It will work out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks Jim, yes today is my birthday. First time I have woke up without WW for 18yrs. Hard morning, but better afternoon. Going out tonight for dinner with friends. Thank god for GOOD friends.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

Dave_nz said:


> Thanks Jim, yes today is my birthday. First time I have woke up without WW for 18yrs. Hard morning, but better afternoon. Going out tonight for dinner with friends. Thank god for GOOD friends.


A new start. Keep moving forward.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dave_nz (Apr 22, 2013)

Just an update.... what a year last year was... some every low lows, too many tears, I told her she had to go. The best thing I did. I stopped caring. About anything. Friends were amazing, better than I thought they ever would be. Now I am happier than I have been in years. Never going back there. Funny she is now alone and lonely..life not worth living. Thanks for all your advise....


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Dave_nz said:


> Just an update.... what a year last year was... some every low lows, too many tears, I told her she had to go. The best thing I did. I stopped caring. About anything. Friends were amazing, better than I thought they ever would be. Now I am happier than I have been in years. Never going back there. Funny she is now alone and lonely..life not worth living. Thanks for all your advise....


Good to hear!

Hope you can pay it forward by letting some of the heartbroken posters know that life after D is not all bad. 

Thanks for sharing!


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Has your ex ever told you how sorry she was and wishes she could undo what she did?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Dave,

I know many of us here would appreciate just a little more detail... what happened to each of you in the past year. How did she end up alone? Is she working? Is she just scraping by? Are you seeing anyone? Is your divorce final? Do the two of you stay in touch?

Thanks, and so happy to hear you are doing well


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## Dave_nz (Apr 22, 2013)

well at the time I was shell shocked. We went to counselling. I went away for a weekend. The first night away she contacted him. I knew as soon as I got back something was not right. I asked her direct if she had been in contact with him. She said no. Turned out to be a lie. As soon as I found out, that instantly put an end to us. I stopped feeling. Told her to go. I think she expected him to rush off into the sunset with her. She moved out. roller coaster for me, but knowing that I would never take her back. She went to her friends place. Her friend struggled with what she had done... moved from there to her fathers. a few weeks later to a flat. None of our friends would take to her. The wives were esp hard. They would not even acknowledge her. The guys would say hi. It took me a long time to get the betrayal out of my head. Fist it was all day every day, then several times a day. I found myself getting a little depressed. That scared me, so on my bike, started running. Went camping by my self at Christmas with friends by the beach. That was easier than I thought. This year went to another town to a combined 21st/ 40th with some very old friends. I had a fantastic time. Something clicked. Came back happier than I have been in a long time. that feeling has not gone. As for her. 
He went back to his partner. She is working at the same job. She still comes and visits. In fact while I was at the 21st/40 she stayed. I received a text asking if she could stay. Her flat hat rats. While I was not happy with that I said fine. She stayed in the spare bed. Got home on the Sunday night. She was still here, sitting on the couch watching TV with the cat on her knee. Like nothing had changed. I said hi, had a quick chat, said I needed to go for a run. ( training for a marathon)put my running shoes on and went for a run to unwind from the 6 hr drive. When I got home she was gone. She came over last week. I could tell she was not happy about something. I asked her..said cried and said life was not worth living. I told her to go and talk to her friend, she said her friend had just broken up with her partner and was not feeling any better. Told her to go for a girls weekend away. Deep down I want to tell her to ***( off and leave me alone... but I cant and wont do that. I am in a good place. Went for my first bike ride in the weekend, where I actually wanted to go, rather than thinking I have to go. Rode a nice big hill, loved it. Even friends have noticed I am happy.

Probably the best thing I did, was when I asked her to go, the councillor, would not let me contact her for a week. Despite her birthday in the middle. I was allowed one text. I sent her a text saying happy birthday, and that I was not going to contact her for a week. Well the week came and went... I did not contact her. after another few days she contacted me. That space gave me time to think.


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## Dave_nz (Apr 22, 2013)

No I am not seeing anyone.. I have not been in the right head space. I decided that I needed to learn to be happy with myself, before I could be happy with anyone else. I think I am there. In New Zealand it takes two years of separation before you can divorce. I am counting the days. While I will continue to help her if she is desperate, she will never be part of my life. That part is over.. new memories to make, new roads to ride. Most of all, friends to enjoy life with. Really good friends.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

what a year you've had!
it's wonderful to read in your post that you are happy and moving forward.
best of luck to you.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

so OM returned with his wife?, what happened to mutual friends did they side with you, or some are still in contact with him, I never understand people that stay friends with men like your OM, (I mean if he did that to a good loyal friend, then how can anyone trust him)

did your wife at least give you clousure letting you know how it happnened? did he persued her? 

it seems like OMW was in denial blaming your STBXW of everything when we know that in most cases the man is the agressor and the one who persues the affair (I hope that at least she have the full version).

I hope you are handling your triggers alright, if you live in a small town I guess that is not that difficult to bump with OM, have you considered to move out to have a clean start.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP- sounds like you are in a better place.

While there is no need to be mean to her- you also dont owe her anything either. If her flat has rats and she needs help, suggest she buy a rat trap...


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Good for you! Be careful with all the contact with your wife. Old habits...


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Dave,

Thanks for sharing the details. Sounds like you have moved forward in a major way, so happy to hear that you are in a much better place, mentally and physically. I'm sorry to hear she feels her life isn't worth living (hate to see anyone hurting, especially someone you once loved dearly) but as the saying goes, she made her bed...

Well done, friend. I'm sure your story inspires many here...

:smthumbup:


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

What do you think caused her to cheat? Do you believe that women have biological clocks signal that it is time to mate with another man? Was she approaching menopause at the time of the affair?

Does she look much older now? Does her decline and the affect on her appearance revolt you?


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## Dave_nz (Apr 22, 2013)

mutual friends still talk to him, only because of OMs partner, but don't have a lot to do with him. My friends don't have anything to do with him. As far as old triggers... there are none what so ever. I look at her, I don't like her. I tolerate her at best. As to why she did it... he comes across as someone who cares, says all the right things, even if he does not believe them. He would tell you that you have an awesome son or daughter, even if he did not patically like them. I did think about leaving town, but that would have meant leaving my friends. For now I will wait. Another 12 months I may move on. No hurry


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

Dave_nz said:


> mutual friends still talk to him, only because of OMs partner, but don't have a lot to do with him. My friends don't have anything to do with him. As far as old triggers... there are none what so ever. I look at her, I don't like her. I tolerate her at best. As to why she did it... he comes across as someone who cares, says all the right things, even if he does not believe them. He would tell you that you have an awesome son or daughter, even if he did not practically like them. I did think about leaving town, but that would have meant leaving my friends. For now I will wait. Another 12 months I may move on. No hurry


Good for you!!

Keep moving forward and things will turn out just fine.


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