# Displacement: From in-laws to husband to me...



## PieOhMy (Sep 26, 2014)

If you are interested in knowing the background to my life and marriage...I suggest reading my other posts. If you don't care and just want to know my current questions and concerns, scroll to the bottom lol. Some time has passed since those posts. For those who participated in my previous posts, some updates:

DH made his own decision to cut ties with his brother. BIL continued his ways, made it clear he would never respect me or our marriage and stopped communicating with their parents. We have not seen him for over a year and a half. Hubby does not want to interact with him until he agrees to get over the past and communicate with the family. Every attempt BIL made to start communicating he acted like nothing happened and DH wouldn't have it. 

Amy and John: A year after them re-entering our lives and no contact from DH or I, Amy still could not let it go (thought she would get the hint after DH not responding for a yearrrr)...She was ballsy enough to text me an invitation to her son's 1st birthday party. I kindly but bluntly told her I was not interested in pursuing a friendship with any of her family and to feel free to extend her invitation to DH. Instead, she had a nasty comment to me...and when DH followed with a message stating he did not want to pursue the friendship...she had a nasty comment to him as well. Thank you for showing your true colors once again, all on your own, Amy! 

Porn...hubby got into porn and stopped having sex with me. We are in a much better place now. He stopped using porn and he says he does not masturbate because it interferes with his performance. Sometimes I still wonder if he is. I still look at his phone from time to time...never find anything. And he still swears he's not looking at porn. So I'm just trusting him...sex life is much better. But I'm still more often the initiator. I really hope he's being honest with me...that's all I can do right now. I still don't support porn...I would still be heartbroken if I found out he was using it again. But I want to trust him and I have no reason not to right now. So we'll see where it goes.

In-laws and money...still the same situation. But now we have separated our savings and I do not feel as threatened by him when he wants to send them money since it's not coming out of my savings account. Especially since I sometimes still wonder if they're just taking advantage of my husband and I don't agree with their financial choices. Also, just cultural differences, I don't really support his family relying on him financially when he hasn't even stabilized himself here.

Some good news...We are finally moving out! I am only working Per Diem because I'm going to school full time...he is paying for my schooling. I told him after staying in my father's home rent free, I expect him to continue to help paying for my education until I can afford to do so myself... He said he understood and agreed. My father agrees with this too. My father paid for my first degree. He is a little old school and feels my husband is responsible for taking care of me now, especially with us moving out. I think my father also felt DH should after never asking for a dime from him. So my Per Diem will pay for association fees but he will take care of the mortgage and my school (he makes double what I make...lol). We will split utilities. 

We still fight... But they don't get as bad... they don't last as long... we started seeing we were wasting too much time on arguing... not enough time on us and doing more activities. We don't go to sleep angry anymore. And instead of divorce threats, we go for a driveil if we need to cool off.

**But now that I vented and updated everything...I posted in the gentleman's forum because I am truly concerned about my husband's well being and mental health. And want a man's perspective. Especially if you are in the same boat and send your family money overseas. My husband's parents and 18 year old brother lives overseas in a poorer country. None of them work because they cannot find work. So my husband sends them some money every month. Lately he's been feeling pressured. Although we have factored the monthly amount into our new budget for the condo, he is feeling a lot of pressure from them. 

I was putting away a little money from his paychecks into his account so he would have some money leftover to buy some things for the condo, like coca cola antiques he likes to collect. Of course, same day we are informed of concluding attorney review, they need $720 because they owe someone money. They borrowed money from somebody to buy his 18 year old brother a laptop. Of course the person asked for their money back, and so they called DH.

Hubby was very frustrated and upset...ended up using the money he was gonna use for fun stuff for the condo. He was so upset. It was his money though, so I didn't want to say anything. 

But all this pressure and pain he's feeling he takes out on me. I can say something very empathetic towards his family and he takes it as insulting. I've already decided that from now on, I'm not going to say anything when he vents to me...because I could say "rainbow and butterflies" and he's going to hear "screw your family." 

But, what else can I do? Any suggestions? I go to school five days a week, all science courses, I usually work two days a week, depends on what shifts I can pick up. I don't have any funds to help him or his family with except Savings but I refuse to take money from my Savings for that. (I do feel bad for my in-laws situation and poor economy. I do believe they make attempts to find work and make what money they have, work. But I don't feel they try hard enough and I still feel DH enables that). He's a rock in a hard place because he only knows what they tell him and he's concerned for their well being. Is there any other emotional support I can offer?

And how can I get him to see that I don't hate his family? In the past, there were several times I did hate his family and I expressed it to him. But I've made my peace, we get along just fine now. And ever since we split our joint Savings account, there's no arguments about how much money to send them because now if he wants to send them money, he takes it from his personal Savings (which of course cannot happen anymore because of the condo purchase...he really broke his bank for this condo, he really wanted it! I wish he could enjoy becoming a new homeowner more!) 

Any suggestions?




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