# What is 'good' sex?



## ukf32 (Jul 10, 2012)

Hello all! It's been a very long time since I've used the forum, although I occasionally read threads. I am a LD wife, still working hard to maintain a healthy sexual balance in my marriage. I was hoping for some responses to this question: in your opinion, what is good sex? I don't mean the frequency so much as techniques or special things that others enjoy most. 

The reason I ask is this- I have been with my husband since the age of 16, he was my first and only sexual partner and I have remained faithful throughout our almost 20 year relationship. My husband is 3 years older and had 6 partners before me but nothing long term. I have no basis for comparison and this isn't something I discuss with others in real life. There are times when we are intimate and it can feel mechanical, for want of a better word. I have wanted to broach the subject with my husband but as sex has been a contentious issue for us, I am reluctant to bring it up until I know it will be constructive for us. 

In the earlier stages of our relationship, I don't think technique was particularly important, sex was just fun, urgent and enjoyable. As we've got older, I find it difficult to enjoy in and out thrusting and the urgency to be intimate is not there, so I feel we both need to work on our technique. I've put a lot of effort into working on my low drive and I feel sex is a little stagnant in the past few months. I don't want to risk developing my old feelings towards sex so I would love any tips or practical advice on how to improve our sex life, along with any guidance for how to broach the subject without hurting his feelings. Thank you for reading this far, I hope what I've said makes sense!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

What's good is relative to the person. What one would find boring, the next would find exciting. DO some research with an open mind and try a few things you find that you think might be interesting and continue to expand your mind from there. 

And upping the frequency can lead to good sex on its own because it takes away the pressure that comes with infrequent sex where one or both of you are trying so hard to make it feel good or be good rather than just enjoying each others bodies and love.


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## ukf32 (Jul 10, 2012)

I have researched the net and read books but most of what I've read is so generic. One of the things that frustrates me wildly is that my husband lacks any hip movement when we're intimate, it is literally in and out which doesn't really cause the right kind of friction. It seems that when we get down to sex, that it is definite and accomplished, his 'work' is done. Foreplay is enjoyable but sex itself does sometimes feel like a means to an end. 

I genuinely don't know if this is the way most, some or few men move during sex so I don't know whether I should bring it up as a point of discussion as I don't want to belittle or upset him. If this is 'normal', I'll need to focus my attention on other aspects of our intimate life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ukf32 (Jul 10, 2012)

Increasing foreplay does sound logical, I do remember even the slightest friction being delicious if the build up was intense. How long would folks say foreplay is for them, on average? We probably don't spend long enough but there are issues surrounding that- we have 3 children with varying bed times, he works nights so is only at home in the evenings 50% of the time and I work during the day. 

We do have toys but almost impossible to make use of them. We don't have a large house so often struggle to find space and time, even when we want to. These aren't excuses. I do read with envy some of the long term couples' stories who have empty nests, that won't be us for some time but I do wish we had less restrictions as that would alleviate some of the issues we currently face in our intimate life!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

The PIV portion of things might not do anything at all for you, no matter how much foreplay is done. Need to add in clitoral stimulation with it or get your O before/after the PIV. Does your husband give oral? 

You can try going on top to get the type of thrusting you prefer too, or him behind you with you doing the moving. 

As for the kids- new rule: bedroom door closed = don't bother us unless someone is dying. 

As yucky as it is for them now, kids need to grow up knowing that parents are supposed to take time to be intimate together. They need to see that you can put some time alone with your husband over being with them all the time. It helps build healthy habits for themselves when they are older.


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## committed_guy (Nov 22, 2011)

ukf32 said:


> in your opinion, what is good sex?


Where both partners are satisfied.

For me that means varied, frequent sexual activities that involve not just the physical but also spiritual and emotional connection.

Not every encounter needs to be fireworks or something new. What makes something spectacular is it's a variation on normal. 

Virtually no limits between consenting adults. For me that means not saying no unless it violates a moral boundary (like other people, etc). I'm willing to try a little discomfort or a little yuck-factor in order to make my spouse feel satisfied. I love the idea of putting up with something that I may not like just for her enjoyment, and vice versa. She's done that for me a couple times and it really made me feel loved by her. For example, she was the one that introduced anal. About 1/2 way through our third attempt I asked her how she was doing and she said "just go". I asked if it was uncomfortable and she said "yes, but I want you to enjoy this." I orgasmed almost immediately because of what she said and not because of what we were doing.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

ukf32 said:


> Increasing foreplay does sound logical, I do remember even the slightest friction being delicious if the build up was intense.


I think @peacem is correct and what you can do is encourage your husband to explore more "variety" with you. The challenge is to make this variety seem enticing to him as opposed to something he may find silly or distracting. 

What you probably want to do is blur the lines between foreplay and intercourse. Think back to when the two of you were teenagers and the risk of getting pregnant likely help create some unique situations in how the two of you would explore each other's sexuality. This can be a fun way to rekindle some excitement by revisiting some things you did in the past but have no longer attempted.

One example if you like friction may be to limit penetration in favor of just sliding back and forth on his penis without him going inside. This works best if you are on top and control the movement. 

Then once you have one successful variation, let your husband know how much you really enjoyed trying something different. This way you can ask for variety in the form of a "complement" as opposed to constructive criticism which may cause him to withdraw. Eventually these complements should encourage HIM to begin trying something new. 

Keep in mind that he may want to try things, but may not have enough self confidence to ask you to try something that he fantasizes about. So focusing on building his self confidence is key.

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

ukf32 said:


> Hello all! It's been a very long time since I've used the forum, although I occasionally read threads. I am a LD wife, still working hard to maintain a healthy sexual balance in my marriage. I was hoping for some responses to this question: in your opinion, what is good sex? I don't mean the frequency so much as techniques or special things that others enjoy most.
> 
> The reason I ask is this- I have been with my husband since the age of 16, he was my first and only sexual partner and I have remained faithful throughout our almost 20 year relationship. My husband is 3 years older and had 6 partners before me but nothing long term. I have no basis for comparison and this isn't something I discuss with others in real life. There are times when we are intimate and it can feel mechanical, for want of a better word. I have wanted to broach the subject with my husband but as sex has been a contentious issue for us, I am reluctant to bring it up until I know it will be constructive for us.
> 
> ...


The biggest sex organ is the brain. To stimulate a woman requires mental and emotional stimulation. You need to be receptive of the idea of sex before foreplay.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
to me good sex has passion and variety. Passion means that both partners are enjoying - in fact it is more important to me that my wife enjoy than that I do. 

Does he want to please you? If so, then try to find things you enjoy. Riding him on top can let you control things - and don't be shy to use a vibrator at the same time. If you enjoy receiving oral, straddle his face and move so that he can do exactly what you want. Any fantasies - play to them. If you are typically LD and he is HD, he may be very happy to do what you want.

For him, you need to find out what he likes - it varies so much with different people. Many men (but not all) enjoy receiving oral. Many enjoy different positions. But you need to find out his likes and fantasies.


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## cmc (Aug 30, 2013)

I have found being able to compromise can lead to better sex. I've learned not to get offended if my husband is not interested in doing some of the things I want to do. Sometimes I do things that may not be the most pleasurable for me but pleasure my husband and he will return the favor. I always want to introduce new things as well. Sex is like food. You can have a favorite meal but if you eat it every day, it's going to get old regardless of how good it is. Always good to sample new things and go back to your favorite meal.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

ukf32 said:


> I have researched the net and read books but most of what I've read is so generic. *One of the things that frustrates me wildly is that my husband lacks any hip movement when we're intimate, it is literally in and out which doesn't really cause the right kind of friction.* It seems that when we get down to sex, that it is definite and accomplished, his 'work' is done. Foreplay is enjoyable but sex itself does sometimes feel like a means to an end.
> 
> I genuinely don't know if this is the way most, some or few men move during sex so I don't know whether I should bring it up as a point of discussion as I don't want to belittle or upset him. If this is 'normal', I'll need to focus my attention on other aspects of our intimate life.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Trying to conceptualize this better, but are you saying he literally thrusts without moving his hips at all or are you saying you want him to vary the strokes by using hips to change angles or even making circular motions on occasion? If the latter and in missionary, try grabbing his ass and guiding him to do he things you want.


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## Quigster (Aug 1, 2015)

ukf32 said:


> One of the things that frustrates me wildly is that my husband lacks any hip movement when we're intimate, it is literally in and out which doesn't really cause the right kind of friction.


If you are not receiving adequate stimulation, varying sexual positions may be a possible solution.

The woman-on-top position would allow you total control over the depth and angle of penetration. It also allows you, or him, to stimulate the clitoris manually.

A rear-entry position can also provide stronger stimulation if you have a sensitive G-spot, since this position readily allows his penis to press against the front wall of the vagina.

He could also pleasure you orally prior to intercourse in order to provide you with more direct clitoral stimulation.


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