# Sexless Marriage - Need help!!!



## Johnny Twoshoes (Oct 8, 2011)

Hi Everyone,

I am new to the forum but have been battling with this issue for a long time and finally decided it is time to reach out and get some advise and help. My wife and I have been married 8 years, we are both 33 and have 3 kiddos (a five year old boy and identical twin girls). I am a very intimate type and like to be touched kissed and cuddled. She is the exact opposite. I feel like I have some sort of disease when I try to touch her because of her immediate reaction of moving away or telling me not to touch her. We both have very high stress jobs and I understand it is difficult to just go at it on the drop of a hat. We have not had sober sex in over two and half years and the only time that she is interested in me is when she has had a few too many to drink. I still find her extremely attractive and am not interesting in looking elsewhere anytime soon. I am at a loss of how to get this to come back. The last time we had sex was two months ago and she was pretty drunk and of course I initiated it. She has never in the entire time that I have known her initiated sex when she is sober. I don't think she is cheating on me but has always had more guy friends that girls in the past. I am at a loss on this one. I bring it up with her and she just gets mad and starts nit picking our relationship. Help!!!


----------



## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

So she isn't sexual unless she's drunk and then you initiate it?

Ouch. This is a minefield. Be very wary of her saying you've done something you shouldn't have when she was drunk. I'd say this is far, far too murky a set of waters for a forum like this.

Any counselling going on re. the relationship / sex / drinking?


----------



## Johnny Twoshoes (Oct 8, 2011)

It always wasn't this way. Seems to have gotten a lot worse over the years and amplified once we had kids. I've tried to make alone time for us but it seems like when we do, it is seems like we are BFF and not in an intimate relationship. We haven't had any help or counseling although I have suggested it. She knows that she doesn't have a sex drive but doesn't seem to see a need to resolve it. I am struggling sexually and she doesn't allow me to look at any kind of pornography or things of that nature. She said it is like I am cheating on her. I feel really suppressed sexually. I am concerned that if I go out and try and get the jealousy card to work it by hitting on or chasing other women, it will completely backfire and lead to more resentment on my end or a divorce. Now that we have kids, I am really struggling on how to get her to realize that I am in need of intimacy. Don't know how to get that message across.


----------



## Johnny Twoshoes (Oct 8, 2011)

Also, don't get me wrong... she is always consensual after drinking and this is not me doing anything that she isn't ok with. She isn't blackout drunk by any means. Just seems like her sexual drive gets turned by a few drinks. I think it allows her to turn her worries off for a few hours and actually relax.


----------



## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

Johmmy - this sounds the same as me. Ive tried and tired and tried since we had kids now she is off. nothing i can do gets us intimate. not just sex. anything.

Im at a loss and actually told her last night im worried i might cheat as im so sexually depressed as have only had sex about 4 times in 3 years.

private message if you want to chat, might helop eachother out.
I have also suggested counselling. 

tonight for the first time im actually not going to sleep in the same bed as its getting to hard.


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Well, I'm a believer that most people do have some level of a sex drive. Even if you have a lower physical drive, your mental/emotional state can more than make up a desire for having sex.

So, I'm thinking your wife does have a sex drive in there, and it's being suppressed. She just doesn't want to have sex with YOU. And there can be any number of reasons for that. And, it is a tough situation because you cannot change her. She's got to be the one willing to do the changing.

However, you do have control over yourself and changes you make to yourself could have an influence on her willingness to finally see the light.

Some questions to think about:

Does your wife see this as an issue at all? If not, why?

Would she be willing to work with you on it - potentially going to marriage counselling or a marriage enrichment program?

If your wife is not willing to work with you at all on this, what are you willing to tolerate - how far would you be willing to go - would you be willing to divorce over this if you see no traction?

God Bless.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She has never initiated but even on her most passionate day, has always been passive. Once she had kids, she essentially quit even responding. She doesn't see the need to please you even though she's very clear on what you desire. Why should she? Even if you're treated like garbage you're still there, still trudging off to work, still bringing home the cheddar, still telling her how wonderful, beautiful, and sexy she is. She doesn't ALLOW you to look at porn? Why would she assume she has control over what you watch or how you satisfy reasonable sexual urges she refuses to attend to? You're afraid you're going to end up divorced? And lose an indifferent, controlling spouse? Maybe end up with a real partner who actually cares about your needs once in a while? That would be just awful. She's getting something out of this relationship and she feels uber-confident that her powder-sugar train will continue regardless of what she does (or doesn't). Maybe she's just a little too confident. This is not an issue of making her understand. She understands very well. Your problem is making her care....making your problem her problem, too. Right now, it's only your problem and it should be pretty clear that in her mind your pain doesn't concern her in the slightest.


----------



## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

JT, I was in exactly both your shoes for a long, long, long time (11 years); I could have written your post. I tried everything I thought I could, all of it coming from a position of how I thought I could be more helpful and loving to HER. It was not until I starting thinking of what would be more helpful and loving to ME that things changed, and they did quickly. I basically got to the point that I thought I exhausted all the possibilities and fully accepted that it was time to move on. But before I did I was going to work on myself. I starting hitting the gym, eating better and finding my friends again. I saw it at as starting the process of falling out of love. I had a good talk with DW and told her that the choice was now hers if she wanted a relationship me. I had made my decision that I was going to have a REAL relationship, with or without her. My preference was with her, but my priority was ME. 

Things completely changed between us in a matter of months. We have never been closer or more in love than today.

Good luck Johnny...I hope you find what your limits and boundaries are in a relationship and make it COMPLETELY CLEAR that you expect them and what the consequences are if they are broken. But you need to be confident in what those limits are as well as steadfast in your resolve to follow through with the consequences. Things will not change until this happens. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Johnny Twoshoes (Oct 8, 2011)

@ Brendan- I have tried the sleeping on the couch for a week and that didn't help anything at all. It made things worse. We are both in a pretty bad situation. I only did that for a week and found it only made her more distant that she already was. I really do love her and know she loves me as well.

@ enchantment and unbelievable - I agree 100% with you. I know that she has the power in the intimacy relationship and sees no need to satisfy my needs. I tried to talk to her about it a year and a half ago and she broke down crying. She said she doesn't feel sexy anymore after having the twins via C section (she has some extra skin on her stomach like someone who lost a lot of weight, but I don't care and have told her she looks great). She had our son vaginally and said the feeling is not the same and has changed significantly for her. Her OBGYN said that sex probably will always be this way now and feel "different". She seemed genuinely upset about the whole deal and I didn't really have a response other than I'm sorry and I felt bad for her. She went through a bunch of physical changes over a very short time. But then after a year or so I also thought, the proof is in the pudding and actions speak loader than words. No change... she still doesn't want to have sex with ME and it is a battle anytime the intimacy conversation comes up. 

@Hubby has a great point that I need to make her want me rather than me trying to fix "it". Then it would be her call if she wants in or not. I do feel like I am the outsider on the relationship and my job is to please her. In the area of intimacy, her actions have shown she has a very very slight interest in actually fulfilling my needs or desires. We tried to do a fantasy bag that we each wrote down our fantasies and put them in a paper bag to draw them out. We were supposed to just make the other person's fantasy come true. We also had rules that we would not do things that would be painful. Well, this turned out that we only went to the bag when she wanted to draw them out (after drinking). I felt like a idiot asking once a week if she wanted to do "our program" tonight and then got shot down each time. We ended up only doing three fantasy bag meetings when one of mine was rejected because she wasn't "comfortable" and that put a stop to the whole fantasy bag. The one she rejected of mine was a reverse cowgirl position and I didn't see how that was any different that other things we had been doing. We did do one of mine (sex with her wearing high heels only) and we both really enjoyed it. I felt she just didn't see the need to fulfill my needs or desires and didn't understand why she wouldn't want more after it was so fun and satisfying. It is going to have be time for ME. I have lost contact with 99 percent of my good friends and spend most of the day doing things that aren't about me. Then it will be her decision to either love me or leave me because I won't look back too long to see if she is chasing. 

Thank you everyone for all of your insight! Any other ideas?


----------



## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

I think you need to take some time, step back and give yourself some perspective. You need to think long, hard and deep to find out what is most important to you in a relationship. For me, it was sex, respect and fun companionship. It appears you are focusing too much on trying to figure out what she wants, in hopes to get what you want. That is fine in the beginning of a relationship when trust and respect is a given. Once the respect is lost (as it has in your relashionship and did in mine) that behavior stops working, in fact it just makes it worse. 

Once you figure out what you can and can't live with you need to lay it on her exactly like that and put the power in her hands to make the decision on what is important to her. All you are doing is taking back the control of your life and then learn how to live it again.

BTW, do yourself a favor and reconnect with those friends.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

have to agree hubby has a good point. I actually have started to do this the last 3 or 4 weeks and will continue.

Before doing something i would always think of my wife or daugters needs first. Now im looking after myself more.

If i want to go to the gym, instead of thinking "should i take the girls outo lunch" - i just go. If i want to escape and go for a run i just do it. And tonight after work i just wanted to be by myself and have 3 or 4 bourbons on the balcony for 2 hrs. SO i did.

Good point hubby - Last night was an interesting one though.
2 good looking girls were drinking in the bar who i knew, instead of thinking " ill just say hi and leave it at that as wifey will get shy and jealous" I went over there and chatted to them for an hour and left the wife with her friends, and yes she got jealous as she believed one of the girls was checking me out ha.


----------



## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

Exactly, and over time you will start to remember what is most important to you while at the same time building up you confidence again. Guess what, both of those are very attractive traits. Other woman WILL notice, including your wife. Ahe will see your determination to get what you want. She will have to decide to pee or get off the potty.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mmosier (Oct 9, 2011)

Personally, I've just gotten to the point where I straight up asked my wife what would turn her on. Not in a direct or angry way, but sort of in a fun way while we were drinking one night.

One thing they suggest there is to get a sex game. That actually worked for me. Turns out my wife is in to exhibition mildly, and I would have never known.... now I do 

My point is, if you think she has no fetishes or fantasies, you are nuts man. Play off that! I was SURPRISED what my wife told me after a night of drinking. I just remembered and we sort of dug in to that. I got some good advice over at free couples counseling and suggest you have a look. They talked about, in an article there, how to communicate about stuff we feel uncomfortable with. It's a shame so many people are hung up on talking about what gets them off, you know?


----------



## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

mmoiser not a bad option, think i have done this and even questioned if she wanted a threesome one night as maybe she was attracted to girls too.

Its not just sex with me and prob the rest of us blokes its normal affection and fooling around too.

Im making a stand and doing what i want to do even if it comes accross selfish - my wife has been selfish for 3 years now


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

