# No communication



## nhbelle (Dec 7, 2015)

Everyone says I should tell my hubby how I am feeling, but we don't have conversations like that. We hardly communicate at all, and really never have. That is probably why I am so miserable and lonely. I can't talk to him at all. We are so different on so many levels and the older I get the worse I feel about that. We have very little in common....not even television, food, friends.....nothing. Some days it's like torture for me. I escape to the tub or the gym or watch a movie on my ipad with headphones. I know we need to talk about this, maybe try counseling, but honestly I feel like it would be useless. After 25 years I am tired of waiting on him hand and foot. He thinks that because he works and isn't an alcoholic he is the best husband in the world. He is delusional! I only stay because I feel bad. I don't know what he would do without me, and before all is said and done he would be mean and awful to me. I don't think our kids would even spend time with him if I left. He is so stressed out all the time. We all walk on eggshells. Even the slightest things sets him off. He yells and swears and throws fits....it makes me soooo stressed out. The question is...which one of is will have a heart attack first UGH


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Even if he did change, is it too late?

If not, tell him that he pulls his head from his rectum or you will be filing for divorce.

Stop waiting on him. Stop engaging him. No sex. Place the burden of the relationship on him, and watch to see if his actions are worthy of remaining with him.

If not, follow through.

Bottom line: If it is possible for him to wake up, he likely won't do so unless he truly believes he is about to lose you.

Sorry you are here.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

When my hubby and I started marriage counseling, she asked us what our problem was and we said something about communication. Her reply has stuck with me - she said that a lack of communication is NEVER the real issue. It's a symptom.

What you need to figure out is whether you want to try to save your marriage or if it's beyond repair. Then you can take action.


----------



## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

I agree with @farsidejunky. Sometimes you have to shake up someone's world for them to understand how good they have it. There are plenty of people in the world who will easily take you for granted. People pleasers often get walked over, continuing to give every inch that is asked of them. The unappreciative partner continues to demand mile after mile. Tell him he's put too many miles on you at this point. Let him start to face the reality of life without his support system.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

nhbelle said:


> Everyone says I should tell my hubby how I am feeling, but we don't have conversations like that. We hardly communicate at all, and really never have. That is probably why I am so miserable and lonely. I can't talk to him at all. We are so different on so many levels and the older I get the worse I feel about that. We have very little in common....not even television, food, friends.....nothing. Some days it's like torture for me. I escape to the tub or the gym or watch a movie on my ipad with headphones. I know we need to talk about this, maybe try counseling, but honestly I feel like it would be useless. After 25 years I am tired of waiting on him hand and foot. He thinks that because he works and isn't an alcoholic he is the best husband in the world. He is delusional! I only stay because I feel bad. I don't know what he would do without me, and before all is said and done he would be mean and awful to me. I don't think our kids would even spend time with him if I left. He is so stressed out all the time. We all walk on eggshells. Even the slightest things sets him off. He yells and swears and throws fits....it makes me soooo stressed out. The question is...which one of is will have a heart attack first UGH


Wow, this is sad, Im sorry you're here. 

You say you dont know what he'd do without you...he'd SURVIVE, thats what he'd do. He is a grown man who SHOULD be taking care of himself anyway, you leaving would just force that. I watched it happen with my own parents...mom did EVERYTHING around the house and the bill paying, etc...dad figured it out and got by just fine on his own. 

Walking on eggshells is no way to live, it sucks the life right out of you. Maybe its time for a come to jesus meeting... tell him you are not happy and are contemplating leaving. Watch the reaction. If it wakes him up, then open up and try to work on it. If he doesnt seem affected, then go file for divorce. Life is too short to live so unhappy.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

So, you posted a year ago about pretty much the exact same problem, and you never responded to the advice on that thread... are you actually ready to finally take some action on this? Because if you want to see a change in your situation, YOU need to take action. YOU need to change.

I think the posters above have good advice. I'm not going to post additional advice, unless you confirm that you're actually ready to take control of your life and what happens in your marriage.


----------



## nhbelle (Dec 7, 2015)

Sadly....nothing has changed in the last year and really not in the last decade. I had decided to do more things on my own...things that make me happy, hoping that would be enough. I have been doing a lot more with my friends, going to the gym, going to to the movies alone if I want, painting classes, jogging, kayaking. Of course he makes me feel bad about it, and I just resent him more for making negative comments and whining about how I am always trying to avoid him. I stay out of pitty for him and he is okay with it. He sees that I am unhappy, but he continues to do things that he knows irritate me like stomping his foot when we watch tv, or complaining about the lawn needing mowing (he refuses to mow). I already know the answer, I know what I want. I know that life is short and I know that I want to be happy, BUT I also know there is no easy way out of this for me. I am weak. I know if I said I am going to leave he would beg me to stay and attempt to change, but it wouldn't last. Then he would get angry and mean and lash out. I don't want the kids to see all that and honestly I am not sure that I am strong enough to handle it.


----------



## Síocháin (Mar 11, 2016)

You are dead inside. My STBXH was just like yours except we both did our own things and when he got the attention he needed from someone else, he left. When he did, it was a relief. You are not weak, you are afraid and you really need to think about what you are modeling for your children. They see & know a lot more than you give them credit for. Do you want them in marriages like yours because that is what you are showing them?

I wasn't weak, I was afraid of change. But now that it happened, I wouldn't go back to him even if he wanted to. And thankfully he doesn't so I don't have to deal with that.

Be brave or fake until you make it.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You HAVE to make a decision here. If you don't, nothings going to change. I guess if you don't want anything to change, carry on.


----------



## nhbelle (Dec 7, 2015)

Sounds awful, but i wish he would find someone else and move on. I know that I have to make a decision and that although I hate for my kids to go through the stress of a divorce, I also hate them seeing our marriage like it is. They always tell me I should leave, but like I said I hold everyone together and without me they probably wouldn't even speak to him.....and I really don't know if he would survive....seriously his father committed suicide and at the very least he would use that to make me feel terrible. He is always going to be the father of my children so I will always care for him, but he is so fundamentally different than me and I can't stand it anymore. We don't share the same values or beliefs and honestly he offends me quite often. I am so sick to death of it, but again.....I am afraid that I am not strong enough to deal with what he will throw at me (literally and figuratively). I wonder if I should wait it out till my youngest is grown so at least I don't have to drag them along for the horrible ride ahead. He is hateful and hurtful when he doesnt get his way (which is why he is always wright and I am always wrong...I know more enabling). The crazy thing is that if someone told me this story I would tell them to run as fast and as far away as possible, BUT it's so much easier said than done


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Wow, so when your KIDS tell you to end it, you most definitely MUST end it! I have been that kid dying for my mom to leave my dad, so I get exactly how they are feeling, its MISERY. And you must understand this...HIS relationship with the kids is HIS responsibility...NOT YOURS. HE is the one acting like an ass and pushing the kids away. I am sorry to say it but that is not your problem. He is the adult, the parent, and its up to him to foster those relationships. 

Start making your exit plan. Get everything in line first, then let him know its over. Not only will that make it faster to implement, but will help keep you from backpedaling. You must do this for your children...you are mom, suck up the fear and do it for them. I wish my mother had done so many years before she finally did. (I have ended two marriages myself, so I do understand and know what I'm talking about, I'm not just randomly throwing this out there)


----------



## FoghornLeghorn (Nov 15, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> Even if he did change, is it too late?
> 
> If not, tell him that he pulls his head from his rectum or you will be filing for divorce.
> 
> ...


The idea that you should punish a non-communicative spouse by withholding sex has got to be the worst advice you could give this person. What a great way to give the guy more reasons NOT to communicate.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

As opposed to her meeting his needs, without reciprocation, and continuing to build resentment?

You mistake the "why" behind the "what". Enough resentment will kill the best relationships, even WITH good communication. She needs to do as much as will not build resentment in their relationship. It is not about withholding for punishment. 

I am advocating that she clearly communicate what she is doing AND why. It is then up to him to either step up or lose her.



FoghornLeghorn said:


> The idea that you should punish a non-communicative spouse by withholding sex has got to be the worst advice you could give this person. What a great way to give the guy more reasons NOT to communicate.


----------



## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

nhbelle said:


> The crazy thing is that if someone told me this story I would tell them to run as fast and as far away as possible, BUT it's so much easier said than done


Other than the act of "talking", everything is easier said than done. But what ever "it" is, we do it regardless. It's what people do. Everybody, including your own kids have been telling you what to do for years and year and years. Yet you've done NOTHING.

At this point, you have no right to complain. Everything your husband does is now on your head. BECAUSE YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING ABOUT IT. 

Please prove to us that you are worth our time.


----------



## nhbelle (Dec 7, 2015)

Every divorce that I have witnessed has been terrible.....overpriced lawyers, fighting over every little thing, even restraining orders. I don't want any of that. Honestly I don't want a thing from him, but that is what scares me the most. I know he will make every bit of it difficult. I am even worried about losing my job. I think he would harass me, spread lies, who knows what else......he can be very vicious!!!! Maybe I should see a counselor...to help empower me to do what needs to be done. I really need a plan.


----------



## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Divorce is worth it. Many of us, including me, have been through it. You get to reset your life and start over. Learn from your mistakes.

When was the last time you two had sex?

If you've been in a 100% sexless/loveless marriage, start looking for someone new. Have an exit affair. It's probably the only thing that will get you happy and realize that your a walking zombie. You'll rediscover how fun life can really be and you don't need him.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

GuyInColorado said:


> Divorce is worth it. Many of us, including me, have been through it. You get to reset your life and start over. Learn from your mistakes.
> 
> When was the last time you two had sex?
> 
> If you've been in a 100% sexless/loveless marriage, start looking for someone new. Have an exit affair. It's probably the only thing that will get you happy and realize that your a walking zombie. You'll rediscover how fun life can really be and you don't need him.


Wow, REALLY??? Nhbelle, don't do this! Sheesh....

I have been through divorce more than once, and they were not horrible, drawn out battles. He has nothing to fight against if you aren't wanting anything but OUT. Yes, he will have to pay child support, but that isn't YOUR doing, those are his kids that he is half responsible for. It doesn't have to be a nightmare, it really doesn't. And in the end, being free is worth it. Your kids will thank you.


----------



## FoghornLeghorn (Nov 15, 2016)

nhbelle said:


> Every divorce that I have witnessed has been terrible.....overpriced lawyers, fighting over every little thing, even restraining orders. I don't want any of that. Honestly I don't want a thing from him, but that is what scares me the most. I know he will make every bit of it difficult. I am even worried about losing my job. I think he would harass me, spread lies, who knows what else......he can be very vicious!!!! Maybe I should see a counselor...to help empower me to do what needs to be done. I really need a plan.


If what you're saying is true, and he's going to scorch the earth on the way out, I can understand why you're reluctant to act; you're effectively a hostage. I would see an attorney and try to identify how your divorce might look. I had a very similar situation, basically terrified of what my wife might do, but once I talked to attorneys discovered I was in a stronger position than I thought. Restraining orders are usually automatic in divorces and they protect you from exactly some of the behavior you're fearing. It's possible that you've heard too many bad divorce stories. Most divorces settle and the people move on and calm down.

It's true that lawyers fight, but just look at it as an expensive investment to get a clean start. Let the lawyers argue, that's what you pay them for, so you don't have to.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

See a LAWYER first, then a counselor. You DO need to formulate a plan here.

My divorce wasn't anywhere near as bad as what you're envisioning, btw.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

nhbelle said:


> Every divorce that I have witnessed has been terrible.....overpriced lawyers, fighting over every little thing, even restraining orders. I don't want any of that. Honestly I don't want a thing from him, but that is what scares me the most. I know he will make every bit of it difficult. I am even worried about losing my job. I think he would harass me, spread lies, who knows what else......he can be very vicious!!!! Maybe I should see a counselor...to help empower me to do what needs to be done. I really need a plan.


You SHOULD be seeing a counselor no matter what.

But if you want to just walk away from him and not fight over money, possessions, do it! Once you are moved out, he's no longer your problem. Get your ducks in a row and just move. Warn your job that you are doing it in case he causes issues; they have your permission to call the police on him. Nothing is going to happen. I spent 30 years worrying about my H's reactions just like you and once I started making changes...nothing. 

Don't waste your life.


----------



## Rockclimber (Nov 1, 2016)

I think divorce should be a last resort, why don't you try an in home separation for a month and see if his behavior changes? He may just need to see what the consequences of his actions are and that the grass in not always greener on the other side. From what you have written it sounds like you are stuck in the victim role as well, you need to get out of that role and do a 180 on him while you are on your one month in home separation.


----------



## totalfive21 (Jun 25, 2014)

KillerClown said:


> Other than the act of "talking", everything is easier said than done. But what ever "it" is, we do it regardless. It's what people do. Everybody, including your own kids have been telling you what to do for years and year and years. Yet you've done NOTHING.
> 
> At this point, you have no right to complain. Everything your husband does is now on your head. BECAUSE YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING ABOUT IT.
> 
> Please prove to us that you are worth our time.


Folks come to this forum to vent frustration, get opinions, bounce ideas off of others, etc. This response just seems harsh. Of course it's hard to extricate oneself from a marriage. I'm not saying that she shouldn't act, but to say she has no right to complain defeats the purpose of this site.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> Even if he did change, is it too late?
> 
> If not, tell him that he pulls his head from his rectum or you will be filing for divorce.
> 
> ...


Yes, he won't do so until he is about to lose you.

You will have forced him to stand up, his back straight, head down, mouth open.

In goes the spoonful of bitter, hot medicine.

Yes, he stood up, took the medicine, swore he would do better. 

He does not like to be "stood up" and forced to do anything.......who does?

The fact that he was, in affect, forced to correct his arrogant ways does not make the OP feel good about "this".

No, he needed to [admit to] his bonehead behavior. The diagnosis, the cure and the dedication has to come from him. He is a mature male, not a mature cantalope already starting to turn sour. 

Read him the riot-act in braille. He is oblivious to the smoke signals [seeping from your ears] that you have been sending him!


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I think that once people say communication is the problem with their spouse, they think that since everyone else says this, it's common and nothing to worry about. I do think that it's the symptom of something else, like another poster has said. It's such a big category it doesn't even scratch the surface of what the real problem could be.


----------



## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

totalfive21 said:


> Folks come to this forum to vent frustration, get opinions, bounce ideas off of others, etc. This response just seems harsh. Of course it's hard to extricate oneself from a marriage. I'm not saying that she shouldn't act, but to say she has no right to complain defeats the purpose of this site.


You missed the point. She has no right to complain if she has been complaining about the same thing for over a year. When she gets actionable advise (even from her kids), she ignores them. People here have tried being nice to her, encouraged her, and yes, even tried being harsh. Whatever it takes to help make her life better. Otherwise, what IS the purpose of this site? How is this site better than a scribble on a bathroom wall?

People post responses here because we care. We wouldn't bother if we didn't.


----------

