# Out to late or not?



## Daisy24 (Mar 26, 2021)

My husband thinks I am out to late. I want to know if I am not being respectful to our relationship? Tonight it was 1:50 am. I told him what I was doing, where I was where I am going. I set my pjs outside of our room so not to disturb him when I get back. Back ground: I don't drink or do drugs or sleep around. I would never. I am always out with my girl friends. Gabbing. Or in this case tonight I was helping a young 20 yr old a person I mentor. Stuck in the rain. Locked out of her room. Room mate won't be home til 930pm maybe, bc she and husband might be having their baby. (Btw that didn't happen) husband new this all. He knows it takes time to iron things out. He and I at 815 spoke on phone. Gave him the run down and my general plan. Also that my phone was low on battery. No phone charger. He was going to go to sleep for work in the morning. My plan was wait till 930pm, see if the room mates comes home and then she can get in to her room. Or if that didn't happen plan B was to take her to a friends house who said she could crash at her home. Then I would come home after I got her settled. Well plan B happened about 1030. We gabbed like women do the three of us women. Her friend is also a married woman with kids like me. Anyway I was not needed at home so I am just enjoying a good chat. I get a phone call at 1 pm were the f... are you? At this point I took a picture sent it to him. Me and the ladies hanging out. 20, 43, 45. I was about to leave bc I was getting tired at 1230 am. So how can we fix this?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

How often do you stay out late?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

If it is a one time thing or rare then it’s going to happen and he’s going to be mad (justified or not).

If you’re staying out late chatting regularly and the only reason is to be social; then stop and do it at a more normal time. I like to meet people for breakfast, lunch, or coffee during the day.

My wife (more so in the past) would come home around 1am having gone out with people to help them with something, her mom a major offender as she lived 3h away. It pissed me off. However it was her mom so what’s she going to do?

If it’s some random person then you should think about what you’re doing because it really is irritating if it happens regularly.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Why help other people til all hours when they can sort their own mess?? Helping your kids and husband yes, but grown adults locked out of rooms?? I hear there was a roommate, husband, someone having a baby and don’t they have other relatives to call on? That’s quite a few people available to help. Why did you need to be the white knight? (Or what’s the female version of the person that jumps around helping everyone out of all sorts of situations that keep them away from home for hours on end?)

I’m not a ‘helper’ and am the last person anyone would call for help.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

One more point about this from me. Putting your PJs out on the bed because you’re not coming to bed is something my wife used to do and it leads to bad things if you’re regularly not going to bed at the same time.

Once in a while, sure. Most of the days out of the week or month and it’s not good.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

He was probably worried something had happened to you. I think most people think staying out until 2am is not a good thing. If you tell him you'll be home at a certain time you should respect that. If something has to change you should update him. That's just basic consideration for your husband.


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

I don’t know if you do this regularly but the tone of your first post led me to believe you do. Does your husband stay out late on a regular basis and, if so, how do you feel about that?

I will add a caveat straight away that, if this is a one off, then ignore my comments below but you do say you are ALWAYS OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIENDS. 

Okay, so you don’t drink, take drugs or sleep around but you are neglecting your marriage and your husband is going to get used to you not being there. How long before he gets fed up with this and starts to seek companionship else where or some “female friend” offers smpathy. You have already had the WTF are you phone call and I can’t say I blame him. That is not a gender thing as I am sure many women would be making the same Phone call.

Don’t think it won’t happen to you because this site is full of people whose wayward spouses were feeling neglected, started talking to someone who offered a friendly ear and then found themselves in an EA or PA.

Obviously you should both have and enjoy friendships and you shouldn’t be tied to the house but there needs to be some balance here, which is what I would say if it was your husband. Only you can choose your priorities, make decisions about what is appropriate but your family will face the consequences if it results in a broken home.

Finally, not so sure about the pyjamas thing. Is it because you are being caring or is it because you want to hide the time you get home?

May be time to become a grown up?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

How old are your kids?

Don't you work/have to get up in the morning?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I agree.

A ladies PJ'S belong in bed. 

With her in them.

Or, with them on the floor and she in bed nekid' !

----------------------------------------

Humor aside, a husband's most prized *person is his wife. He wants her close at hand and safe. 

*I could write possession, but know better!

Works for me.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

We marry our spouse, then slowly let loose of our friends.

This is the stage you are finding yourself in.

Once those needy babies arrive, old friends are quickly end-zoned.

Enjoy your friends while you can, but be reasonable.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> We marry our spouse, then slowly let loose of our friends.
> 
> This is the stage you are finding yourself in.
> 
> ...


She already has kids and is still doing this.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, you were out too late.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

The fact that he had to call you at 1am is a huge problem. You could have sent him a text.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Livvie said:


> She already has kids and is still doing this.


Umm, missed that.

Then, she is likely escaping from the children. 

Taking a break from them!

Ah, using her friends problems as an excuse to get out of the house.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I'm still waiting to hear how often this happens, and why she doesn't have to get up in the morning for anything.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Considering you told him you would have firm plan by 9:30 and then you're still not home or heard from over three hours later I say you are in the wrong. Do you not realize a husband worries about his wife? I think you were inconsiderate of him.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

I wouldn't stand for this type of behavior from my wife, staying out till the morning hours with myself at home. OP, don't be surprised if you get served with divorce papers should you continue this habit.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Livvie said:


> I'm still waiting to hear how often this happens, and why she doesn't have to get up in the morning for anything.


I don’t think she likes all the questions and responses? We all sound like her husband maybe...


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Daisy24 said:


> My husband thinks I am out to late. I want to know if I am not being respectful to our relationship? Tonight it was 1:50 am. I told him what I was doing, where I was where I am going. I set my pjs outside of our room so not to disturb him when I get back. Back ground: I don't drink or do drugs or sleep around. I would never. I am always out with my girl friends. Gabbing. Or in this case tonight I was helping a young 20 yr old a person I mentor. Stuck in the rain. Locked out of her room. Room mate won't be home til 930pm maybe, bc she and husband might be having their baby. (Btw that didn't happen) husband new this all. He knows it takes time to iron things out. He and I at 815 spoke on phone. Gave him the run down and my general plan. Also that my phone was low on battery. No phone charger. He was going to go to sleep for work in the morning. My plan was wait till 930pm, see if the room mates comes home and then she can get in to her room. Or if that didn't happen plan B was to take her to a friends house who said she could crash at her home. Then I would come home after I got her settled. Well plan B happened about 1030. We gabbed like women do the three of us women. Her friend is also a married woman with kids like me. Anyway I was not needed at home so I am just enjoying a good chat. I get a phone call at 1 pm were the f... are you? At this point I took a picture sent it to him. Me and the ladies hanging out. 20, 43, 45. I was about to leave bc I was getting tired at 1230 am. So how can we fix this?


Stop prioritizing others over your husband and children.


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## Daisy24 (Mar 26, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> How often do you stay out late?


Once in a blue moon by myself. The last time I was out late but I don't count it as one of these blue moons but he might, is at my sons friends home party. Maybe 2 wks ago. I am also friends with the mom. I had all three of my kids and we were at her home playing board games with teenagers. Eating cake.

The time before that I would consider one of my blue moons. About a month ago. Helping this same young gal. It was maybe 11:30pm that night. Lost track of time. I was at a Starbucks. Mentoring 2 young gals. The original one and her friend. Btw this isn't my job. I am not a social worker. Just a friend to the young 20 yr olds aunt who moved away. To avoid a little long story, I have stepped in to keep her out of trouble and navigate life.

I only do this if my husband and kids are taken care of first. Which they are. My husband and I spend a lot of time together. In fact we just came home from a trip a day ago.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Would you want to know where your husband was at nearly 2am?


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## Daisy24 (Mar 26, 2021)

ConanHub said:


> Stop prioritizing others over your husband and children.


Thank you for the reminder. I do need to remind myself of this from time to time. In this case my family and I just spent days together on vacation. My family is always first. At this moment my family didn't need me. My husband was fine with me leaving to help. In fact he said go have fun. Only because he knows I do enjoy helping others.


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## Daisy24 (Mar 26, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> Would you want to know where your husband was at nearly 2am?


Of course. But he new where I was.


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## Daisy24 (Mar 26, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> If it is a one time thing or rare then it’s going to happen and he’s going to be mad (justified or not).
> 
> If you’re staying out late chatting regularly and the only reason is to be social; then stop and do it at a more normal time. I like to meet people for breakfast, lunch, or coffee during the day.
> 
> ...


Hummm well I do need 


ccpowerslave said:


> If it is a one time thing or rare then it’s going to happen and he’s going to be mad (justified or not).
> 
> If you’re staying out late chatting regularly and the only reason is to be social; then stop and do it at a more normal time. I like to meet people for breakfast, lunch, or coffee during the day.
> 
> ...


Humm good food for thought. I do try to help during the day. It was a desperate time. Raining, locked out, dark young person. Yes this is rare at night.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

When did you tell him plan B happened? What you said was you told him a little after 8 it was an either or situation that would be resolved around 1030. Did you text him and update him during the night?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Daisy24 said:


> Hummm well I do need
> 
> Humm good food for thought. I do try to help during the day. It was a desperate time. Raining, locked out, dark young person. Yes this is rare at night.


Yeah I mean stuff happens every once in a while. I wouldn’t blame your husband for being mad but it is what it is.

If there is a pattern where you’re spending a lot of time with this (or other) young ladies and staying out late then that seems not so great.


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## Daisy24 (Mar 26, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> Why help other people til all hours when they can sort their own mess?? Helping your kids and husband yes, but grown adults locked out of rooms?? I hear there was a roommate, husband, someone having a baby and don’t they have other relatives to call on? That’s quite a few people available to help. Why did you need to be the white knight? (Or what’s the female version of the person that jumps around helping everyone out of all sorts of situations that keep them away from home for hours on end?)
> 
> I’m not a ‘helper’ and am the last person anyone would call for help.


Good question. No family to rely on. There isn't a female version of white knight. It is White Knight. LoL don't need to re invent a term just bc I am female. Dosen't bother me. 

Good fiid for thought. Why am I helping at all hours? I am blaming it on the fact that I am a mom who knows this person and someone needs to help her along in life. Should I be the samaritan at risk of my family no. Am I risking that I don't think so. But I am asking. Thank you for your input.


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## Daisy24 (Mar 26, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> When did you tell him plan B happened? What you said was you told him a little after 8 it was an either or situation that would be resolved around 1030. Did you text him and update him during the night?


Hi yes you got it right. I read your reply with an awww haaa that might have been the problem. But you see he goes to bed at 915 and so I wasn't going to wake him. Maybe I should have. Thanks for your reply


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Daisy24 said:


> Hi yes you got it right. I read your reply with an awww haaa that might have been the problem. But you see he goes to bed at 915 and so I wasn't going to wake him. Maybe I should have. Thanks for your reply


Now you know. When we know better we do better right?


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## Daisy24 (Mar 26, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> Yeah I mean stuff happens every once in a while. I wouldn’t blame your husband for being mad but it is what it is.
> 
> If there is a pattern where you’re spending a lot of time with this (or other) young ladies and staying out late then that seems not so great.


I agree. I don't want to always be the person of reason for this young lady. Or I should say not be the only one.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

So he woke up at 1 am and had to track you down? Yeah, I can see the problem.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

1am is ridiculous and your husband was worried. You really deserve him an apology.
That being said, if you’d have called him earlier and let him know something, once in a blue moon isn’t so bad.

Now, about all this fun with the girls....
Is your husband’s lunch prepared and his clothes ironed for the next day? Bath water run? Did you have a ribbon in your hair when you greeted him after work those evenings? Had you made yourself look nice and acted eager to see him when he got off work? Give him great sex those nights?

If not, you are severely lacking as a wife and your husband has every right to find solace in the arms of another woman. Women aren’t supposed to have friends or fun. They should be taking care of their family and ensuring the nest is feathered.









Jk. Sounds likeyou take care of business and your husband loves you. But you scared the old boy. I’d have sent a similar message. Have a great weekend.😊


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## Daisy24 (Mar 26, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> One more point about this from me. Putting your PJs out on the bed because you’re not coming to bed is something my wife used to do and it leads to bad things if you’re regularly not going to bed at the same time.
> 
> Once in a while, sure. Most of the days out of the week or month and it’s not good.


Oh yes I get that. It could be a slippery slope. But I don't play games like that. I do that only if I haven't changed yet or like tonight I was going to be out. He hates it when I come in after him bc I wake him. I am quiet as a mouse unless he has left something on the floor for me to step on to make noise and I trip. So I few times a year bring my pjs out of the room.


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## Daisy24 (Mar 26, 2021)

Openminded said:


> So he woke up at 1 am and had to track you down? Yeah, I can see the problem.


Yes and thankyou for the reply.


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## Daisy24 (Mar 26, 2021)

notmyjamie said:


> He was probably worried something had happened to you. I think most people think staying out until 2am is not a good thing. If you tell him you'll be home at a certain time you should respect that. If something has to change you should update him. That's just basic consideration for your husband.


Thank you. I agree.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I don’t wake easy and fall asleep easier.... I’d be hurt if you didn’t get in bed and snuggle with me for a minute when you got home. Apparently yours is a light sleeper....


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## Daisy24 (Mar 26, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> How often do you stay out late?


Once in a while. Like close to never. He told me have a good time helping. Never told him a time I would be back. Open ended on the time. He went to bed. He woke up. He called me. I let him know where and what. Then I came home. 


Mr. Nail said:


> ok for a guy who likes math I totally missed the meaning of that string of numbers.
> It's the ages of your gab group.
> As a clarification, when I got in trouble for passing midnight I was 23.
> At 40 + you are out of control. Your husband had the choice of two things to say at 1 AM
> ...


I don't agree with all you said but you gave me something to think about. No promises broken over here. I said I went to fix and would come home when I was done. Should we communicate this and are needs yes. Should I have called if I was later. Maybe. At the risk of waking him up. Maybe. I'll need to talk to him about that. But I also don't plan on this late night thing becoming a thing. Thanks for your reply. Kiki


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## Daisy24 (Mar 26, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> I don’t wake easy and fall asleep easier.... I’d be hurt if you didn’t get in bed and snuggle with me for a minute when you got home. Apparently yours is a light sleeper....


Aww you are right. He just wants me there. I do need to make sure this happens. Especially if I was out. Thankyou


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I think what you call “once in a blue moon” and what most other people would call it differs greatly. 
While you’re saving the world one lost soul at a time your family may decide that they can do just fine without you.


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## Daisy24 (Mar 26, 2021)

Harold Demure said:


> I don’t know if you do this regularly but the tone of your first post led me to believe you do. Does your husband stay out late on a regular basis and, if so, how do you feel about that?
> 
> I will add a caveat straight away that, if this is a one off, then ignore my comments below but you do say you are ALWAYS OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIENDS.
> 
> ...


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

Hi, I did put a caveat in my first paragraph which said if this was a one off then ignore all my comments. I have to say your original post is a bit misleading as it implies you are always out. Had I known of the information in your later posts I would have answered differently.

Your being late was a bit of a conundrum for you because you don’t want him to worry and you don’t want to wake him. You were probably on a loser which ever way you went. On reflection, it seems to have worked out okay, your husband woke, phoned you and was reassured - job done as one of our English actors would say.

In terms of the reason you went out, my understanding is your husband knew where you were going, with whom and why so I do not see much to get worked up about.

I used to play Bridge with three other old crusties one night per month, always at our houses on rotation. This would go on to around 2 am each time and my wife used to leave quilt and pillows on the couch so I didn’t wake her. That was until she realised she didn’t know when I got home and could have been out until 6am (I wish).

An old work colleague of mine who liked a drink told me the worse thing to do if coming in late was to creep around as his wife always woke up. He said, fling the door open, start to get undressed and shout loudly that you are in the mood for some loving when, all of a sudden, she would be asleep 🤣


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Daisy24 said:


> Hi yes you got it right. I read your reply with an awww haaa that might have been the problem. But you see he goes to bed at 915 and so I wasn't going to wake him. Maybe I should have. Thanks for your reply


Yes, you should have. 
I would be very worried if I woke up at 1am and my wife wasn’t home yet. Which would then very quickly become anger once her safety was confirmed.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Daisy24 said:


> Once in a blue moon by myself.
> 
> The last time I was out late but I don't count it as one of these blue moons but he might, is at my sons friends home party. Maybe 2 wks ago.
> 
> The time before that I would consider one of my blue moons. About a month ago.


Counting this incident that would make 3 times in about a month. That is not rare or once in a blue moon. That is a regular thing and an established pattern.



Daisy24 said:


> Should I be the samaritan at risk of my family no. Am I risking that I don't think so.


Yes, yes, you are risking your family. If you continue along this path your husband will eventually start to feel hurt and resentment. He will emotionally pull away. And, when the kids are grown and gone and all you have left is each other, he might decide he doesn't have to be married to you anymore because of previously mentioned hurt, distance, and resentment.

Stop it. Just stop it. You're a married woman and mother, not a teenager hanging out at all hours.

Set a time for yourself and be home by that time. Husband says go and have fun, go and have fun. Just be back at a reasonable hour. If you're having a good time, well, that's life. Tell your friends you have to go and go. If you are helping tell the person you are helping you MUST be home by X o'clock and stick to that. These are grown people you mentioned, 20 and above, iirc, then are well old enough to figure it out like the adults they are.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

What a dumb ass question.

If it is causing problems in your marriage then YES.

Why are you married if you are always hanging out with your friends til 1 or 2 am?

I guess your husband is a POS that you never want to be around.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Daisy24 said:


> Thank you for the reminder. I do need to remind myself of this from time to time. In this case my family and I just spent days together on vacation. My family is always first. At this moment my family didn't need me. My husband was fine with me leaving to help. In fact he said go have fun. Only because he knows I do enjoy helping others.


You were supposed to be back like at 10pm. You drag in at 1:50 AM. WTH! This was very disrespectful to him. You think a man that cares for his wife is just gonna go to bed wondering if she might get stranded or be in a wreck. You already told him your battery was about gone.

If my wife did this it would be a big, "I dont give a crap how you feel." I would also start being very suspicious of these hanging with the always out late with girlfriends. Just like parents always said, "Nothing good happens after dark, get your ass in the house at a reasonable time"

If you and spouse are out together than so be it. I have spent over 20 yrs supervising murders, drug addicts and rapists. You have no business being gone from home to all hours of the night, period. These women who go out alone late are placing themselves in the crosshairs of these predators. You make yourself a target.

At night...i will not even let my wife go to Wal-Mart alone. If i cant go, my 6'06" 275lb son goes with her.

I even have her take her grocery store gun. Beretta Jetfire 25acp. 4-5 rounds in the gut would probably change a rapists mind. I would definately draw attention of others.
But to answer your question....to me what you did and have done in the past is very disrespectful to your relationship.


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## Untrusting (Mar 22, 2021)

Daisy24 said:


> My husband thinks I am out to late. I want to know if I am not being respectful to our relationship? Tonight it was 1:50 am. I told him what I was doing, where I was where I am going. I set my pjs outside of our room so not to disturb him when I get back. Back ground: I don't drink or do drugs or sleep around. I would never. I am always out with my girl friends. Gabbing. Or in this case tonight I was helping a young 20 yr old a person I mentor. Stuck in the rain. Locked out of her room. Room mate won't be home til 930pm maybe, bc she and husband might be having their baby. (Btw that didn't happen) husband new this all. He knows it takes time to iron things out. He and I at 815 spoke on phone. Gave him the run down and my general plan. Also that my phone was low on battery. No phone charger. He was going to go to sleep for work in the morning. My plan was wait till 930pm, see if the room mates comes home and then she can get in to her room. Or if that didn't happen plan B was to take her to a friends house who said she could crash at her home. Then I would come home after I got her settled. Well plan B happened about 1030. We gabbed like women do the three of us women. Her friend is also a married woman with kids like me. Anyway I was not needed at home so I am just enjoying a good chat. I get a phone call at 1 pm were the f... are you? At this point I took a picture sent it to him. Me and the ladies hanging out. 20, 43, 45. I was about to leave bc I was getting tired at 1230 am. So how can we fix this?


If you do this a lot, I would stop. You can socialize in the day time hours or in the evening. It does look shady and seems disrespectful, even if you’ve sent him a pic of the last occurrence. Even if he didn’t feel cheated, he didn’t get married to go to bed alone a lot and it’s quite possible he feels neglected.


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