# Please...advice needed



## bluemoony (Oct 12, 2011)

I've never posted on a relationship forum before, but my marriage is in trouble.
We've been married 12 years and have three kids. I left work to raise the kids, and am only now starting to earn some money freelancing. My husband and I have had "problems" for the last ten years or so, but we've swept them under the rug. I don't think we can anymore.
Basically, he wants me to participate in his sexual fantasies. I'm no prude (though he'd say I was), but he wants me to have sex with other people, even better if there were several, so he could watch. I've always told him I wouldn't do it, and he usually says he can accept that. But he can't, and I won't. THe last few days have been awful. We've been angry and resentful of one another, mostly because I'm angry at him for being so disappointed in me.
I've mentioned this fantasy to a few of my friends, and they're similarly horrified. But my husband tells me women love this kind of thing, and that there's something wrong with me. He refers to my upbringing and says I'm boring. He's very passive aggressive about it, and doesn't use those words. But yesterday he did...in a letter he wrote and left out for me to read.
Basically i sent him an email and told him I wanted to separate and offered him options (He ignores me or changes the subject every time I try and talk about it). I said we could live together in separate rooms for the kids' sake, or sell the house and separate or he could take an overseas job. I haven't heard back. He's always been the one trying to repair things in the past, and says as long as I have sex and pretend to participate in the fantasy by talking about it during sex, he'll be satisfied. I do that, but he's not.
I'm actually horrifed that I've stuck it out with him as long as I have. He's a pretty good dad, but he's cold and uncommunicative as a husband.
I guess I have two questions: is this level of sexual fantasy "normal"? and how the hell am I going to raise three kids by myself?


----------



## bluemoony (Oct 12, 2011)

2


----------



## Michelle27 (Nov 8, 2010)

Wow...I would be as horrified as you are. And I'm not sure I could stick around with that kind of insistence going on. But...if you think there are other things that make the marriage worth saving, I would suggest seeing a marriage counselor together. I highly doubt a counselor is going to advocate for your husband getting something like that from you if you're not willing. And then you can at least know that you tried if he insists it's something he can't live without. 

I'd be furious too.


----------



## dawgfan (Jul 22, 2011)

Dear bluemoony -

My heart broke for you as I read your post. You need to know that your feelings are absolutely valid.

The sexual relationship in a marriage is a precious, sacred thing that's meant to be for the two of you _exclusively_. It has the power to bond you as a couple - or tear you apart, as you're experiencing right now. Even the suggestion that you introduce other people - through fantasy or actual deed - violates your marriage in the most vulnerable place. You are absolutely right to say no.

I don't know if you believe in God, but I found some advice on a Christian forum on a question that's similar to yours. It mentions some resources and counseling options that could be very helpful to you. Whatever you do, keep getting support from caring, trustworthy friends who will back you up. This is _not_ a matter of you being unreasonable.

Take good care, OK? Stay strong, and know there's someone out here praying for you.


----------

