# Hate who I am becoming



## Expatmama (Apr 16, 2014)

Hey guys, this is my first post here - hoping to find some clarity through talking this stuff out with others who understand. I hate the person I'm becoming, the longer I am in this unhappy marriage. I am constantly yelling at him, angry, tense, frustrated, annoyed... it's exhausting. 

A little background: We got married just over a year ago, kind of under duress - I was moving to Africa to work full time for the nonprofit I founded, and to adopt two kids, who have now been home with us for a year. We had to make the decision to get married or break up, and we decided to take the plunge. Now we live in rural Africa, extremely far from all our friends and relatives, which makes things much more difficult! My husband came from a really abusive background and basically hadn't started his life until we met - 26, still lived at home, "freelancing" but not making any money, never had a girlfriend. He's come incredibly far in the last few years, and is a great dad. And loves the hell out of me and the kids. But he is still so irresponsible, and passive, and ****ing useless that I'm just miserable. He makes the same promises almost literally every day - to keep a to-do list, to be more proactive, to not make me be his ****ing mother. And it happens for like a week, and then he gets bored and forgets. I just. cannot. do. it. anymore. 

However, our kids' adoption isn't final yet, so if we don't stick it out at least another year, we could lose them, which would be the worst thing in the world. I have to find a way to stick it out just a little longer. If we did separate, I think he would still fly back out for the relevant court hearings and do everything he could to make sure the adoption went through... but I don't know for sure. And these kids are my life, I can't lose them. 

I honestly feel like I've just reached the limit in terms of the number of times I can forgive and trust that he'll do better, when I have never had any reason to do so. I know he is trying as hard as he can, but I honestly think he's too fundamentally damaged to be a real partner, and my life is hard enough already. I honestly feel like my life would be easier without him at this point, despite how insanely difficult it would be logistically, just to not be so angry and upset all the time! 

Help???


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Are you doing all this yelling and angry outbursts in front of the children? If you are stop. Just stop.

I get that you are at your wits end. But you have complete control over how you react to his behavior. And sadly you are chosing to be angry, yell, etc.

If you think that you would be better off without and you can finically, emotional, and in every other way handle the children by yourself then just start doing it and expect NOTHING from him.

I've been through something similar. I married a man in 2000 who had 100% custody of his two children ages 10 & 12. Shortly after we married he turned into a perpetual child who does nothing but plays video games and surfs the web all day (it's a long story .. this is the short version).

So there I was with my 10 year old son and his 2. The mother of his 2 had basically abandoned them a 2-3 years earlier. I was really all they had. So I chose to look at it as me raising the kids alone. I was not going to throw a couple of children into the street.

Stop the yelling, hollering, and anger. Make your plans, your life and your children's life... you make it a good life for all of you. Then he can leave whenever it's right for you.

Your anger and yelling, directed at your husband is traumatic to the children you are adopting. I don't know what their situation is but having lived in Africa myself, I can only image that it's not optimal. They have probably been exposed to some very negative things. The last thing they need is to be raised in an angry household with a mom who cannot hold her temper. 

You are the adult here. Take charge and find some self control.

By the way, how old are you?


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

He's not a useless person, that is not a fair judgment.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

wilderness said:


> He's not a useless person, that is not a fair judgment.


Unfortunately the OP has not returned and posted so we cannot ask her questions and get more detail.

While the word 'useless' might seem harsh, it might describe what he's like.. meaning that he does little or nothing that adds to their lives and/or helps her out.

An example of this would be a husband how literally does nothing but sleep, eat, surf the internet and play video games... for years. I've experience this and yes, I've used the word 'useless' to describe him before... out of frustration.

So I give the OP a pass on this until she clarifies more. But I don't think she is coming back anyway.


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Unfortunately the OP has not returned and posted so we cannot ask her questions and get more detail.
> 
> While the word 'useless' might seem harsh, it might describe what he's like.. meaning that he does little or nothing that adds to their lives and/or helps her out.
> 
> ...


This statement proves that he is not useless…



> He's come incredibly far in the last few years, and is a great dad


I really think it's a big mistake to ascribe a term so absolute to a person as 'useless'. I don't believe that _anyone_ is useless.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

wilderness said:


> This statement proves that he is not useless..
> 
> 
> *Um, HOW exactly???*
> ...


The hypocrite defending the useless. Priceless.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> The hypocrite defending the useless. Priceless.



Maybe he knows what he's talking about. A pos will recognize another pos, so if wilderness doesn't think the guy's no good he would know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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