# Unfortunately new here and looking for support



## gdruss (Jun 8, 2011)

Hello All,

First off, I am so thankful for this support forum. I have been reading a lot of posts trying to figure things out as the LS. I apologize if this initial post is confusing, as I am trying to explain and express my thoughts.

It has been a little over 2 weeks since D-day. I found out that my wife of less than one year has been having an EA and PA with one of her co-workers for the past 7 months. I found strange phone calls at weird times, when my wife was supposedly hanging out with work friends. She works in the restaurant business. There were several occasions where she did not come home. She txted me those nights and said that she was too drunk too drive. I trusted her by saying that but that was obviously not the case. She worked out at the gym with this person and always referred to him as her friend. He no longer works there. We have been together for almost 7 years. I never thought this would happen. My so-called best friend and wife betrayed me.

I sent her packing for the first 3 days after d-day. Mostly to clear my head and not act out in any violent or destructive way. When she came home we talked for hours. She explained what she did and why she did it. He made her feel special, apparently more then me. I have always been there for her. To pick her up when she was down. I understand that is was something new and special to her but that does not make it right. 

Over the past week, things have been getting better, we talk and we were becoming emotionally attached again. We were even intimate at times, prior to getting any STD testing. This scares me and I want her and I both to get checked out. She said that everything was protective, but after your lied to, you cannot trust that statement. I feel like I am rushing into things. Moving to quickly without any thought. Trying to put things back together like they were before I found out.

I told her that I want to work things out. I told her she cannot contact him anymore, which she hasn't, as far as I know. I am scared that she is telling me one thing, to keep me around and telling her friends something totally different.

I have never been an insecure and controlling person. I have trusted her fully until this happened. She has agreed to give me access to everything, phone, emails, FB.

She has started to goto IC but only after I reminded her this week that she needs to do something about this. She has to do all the heavy lifting now. I am not sure that she wants to do it after 2 weeks of sitting around, trying to act normal again.

This is my rant for now. I'm sure I can explain more as the days progress. Thank you for reading.


----------



## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

What is with these people who cheat so soon after the wedding? I don't get it and I would always question if they ever loved me.

Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Breathe... 

Make a plan. It will help you to force yourself to organize your thoughts and intended actions.

Share. Tell her what you want, what you need her to do, no matter how hard it is.

DON'T trust. Believe the actions more than your ears... Sorry to be harsh, but the typical pattern is that the cheating spouse will minimize what happened, tell you only what they feel they need to (to both avoid guilt feelings and even to help minimize your pain). Trust nothing, verify everything.

Do not work so hard at this. Make her do so. She's got the proving to do. You owe her nothing at this point, except perhaps your very presence.]

Take a good, long, hard look in the mirror. Recognize and admit to whatever you 'part' in the state of the marriage was. Own up to that -- but do NOT own up to one ounce more than that, and absolutely to NONE of the affair itself. This was her choice, one that she made, which represents a lack of respect and trust in you. Allow that to sink in, and let it guide your actions. 

Stay in the driver's seat here. Prepare yourself at least mentally, with a Plan B... hopefully, maybe one you never have to execute, but empower yourself with that plan, and have it in your back pocket should you need it. 

She needs to TELL the OM directly that there is to be no more contact, and show you how she's doing so to your satisfaction. Do not trust she's told him, nor has stopped. Verify it.

Join in to the counseling if you haven't already.

Talk, talk, talk, and talk some more. Get the pain out in the open, and address it. But remember - verify; don't blindly trust.

Use the transparency she has given you, especially if you fear she's telling you one thing and doing another. There is no "normal again". What you had has been killed and is dead. It's now about what you create moving forward. It is by it's very definition, different now. There's no going back, only forward. That includes potentially NOT working this out should she 'slip up' in any way.

Do not rush. There's time for getting back to partnership, but rushing it sounds a little like sweeping what happened and why it happened under the rug. You've got to address the why's.


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Your wife of less then one year, has been having an affair. That means she started doing this guy after 4 MONTHS OF MARRIAGE. You must be seriously nuts for considering staying with a wife that schtups some guy after she's been married for 4 months. Dump her.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

To sum up: You've been witj her 7 years and married one year and she started cheating about 3 months after the marriage. 

*
What do you WANT to do?* That is what you must ask yourself first and foremost.

If you want to reconcile, total transparency, honesty and zero contact with this dude must happen. I would tell her to have his # blocked. No contact on FB. If he is married or has a girlfriend, tell her today.



gdruss said:


> I have never been an insecure and controlling person. I have trusted her fully until this happened. She has agreed to give me access to everything, phone, emails, .


I was just like you. Not at all ever jealous or insecure before I found out my husband cheated. Also, we were married just about a yr when I found he posted dating profiles using pictures I took of him online looking for sex. He has told me FOUR different versions of how long he had the ad up--from the entire time we were together, to two months, to two years, to two weeks. It really does make you question if they were ever invested in a relationship with you.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

She needs IC to also help her answer the question of *why did she accept to marry you if you weren't making her "feel special"*? After all, most women accept to marry a man because he does make them feel special.

It may be that the reason she married you was because she was afraid of being alone and not because something you did or did not provide her.

You have to do some serious soul searching and review all those 7 years prior to your marriage to see if there were some red flags that you chose to ignore but at the time spelled 'danger up ahead'.


----------



## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

As long as she still works with the scumbag its not going to be over, buddy. BELIEVE THAT!


----------



## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

dgruss,

I'm sorry you had to join the club.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If this is her coworker, how has she managed to have no contact with him? Did he quit? Did she? Seven years sounds like a very long time to date someone before marriage. Were one of y'all reluctant to get married?


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

findingmyway said:


> GDR, sorry to be blunt, but here goes.
> 
> 1. I chased married women for years. Newly married and engaged women are difficult to bed. This is not a good sign... not at all.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

This is just the tip of the iceberg. For a newly married woman, her boundaries should be very high and not have such loose boundaries. There is a lot more that you don't know about her, maybe not even her first time.


----------



## gdruss (Jun 8, 2011)

All,

Thank you for the responses. I will now try to answer questions.

Scumbag no longer works there. I have access to everything and did see the txt to him for no more contact. I have not seen anything on her email, she is no longer friends with him on FB (surprisingly this happened a few months ago.), no txts. Oh, I didn't mention it, but he was a 21 year old college student. I want to mention, 3 days after D-day, he came to my house drunk and "wanted me to punch him in his face." Stupid kid. I could have jumped out of my house and ripped his head off, I didn't.

She has fully admitted that she was wrong. She has disclosed a ton of information about the affair to me. When, where, how... I probably have not heard everything but she tells me that she hates talking about him to me... only way to recover is to know everything.

She admits that she has insecurities, that she lacked affection from me and someone else gave that to her. She has stated multiple times that she did not talk to me about her needs and that she should have. She is now going to IC and the counselor wants to bring me in after a couple of sessions.

I have done some soul searching and meditation over the past few days. I will say that I never saw any of the behaviors that she was showing during the affair in the first 6 years of our relationship. 6 years does sound like a long time to wait until we got married. She is 30, I am 29.

She wanted to have kids after a few months of marriage. I did not and she resented me for saying it.

We are both getting STD tests. I have a general physician that I see and I cannot see him until June 21st. Does anyone have any suggestions on where I can get a test done sooner. I do have medical insurance but not sure if it covers that kind of test.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Call up another doctor covered by your insurance and/or hit up a free clinic.


----------



## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

I wish you luck mate


----------



## findingmyway (May 25, 2011)

GDR, if your county has a health department you can contact them to see if they can either test for STDs or help with a suggestion/referral.

Good luck.


----------



## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

"She admits that she has insecurities, that she lacked affection from me and someone else gave that to her."- Here we go again with this **** for an excuse. Why not tell me, or get a dog or something. Why did she have to have this guy inside her to feel wanted. What acrock of [email protected] How long was this affair anyway?


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

ahhhmaaaan! said:


> "She admits that she has insecurities, that she lacked affection from me and someone else gave that to her."- Here we go again with this **** for an excuse. Why not tell me, or get a dog or something. Why did she have to have this guy inside her to feel wanted. What acrock of [email protected] How long was this affair anyway?


It's eery isn't it? We seem to see the same thing over and over again. The same patterns, the same excuses.


----------



## gdruss (Jun 8, 2011)

ahhhmaaaan! said:


> "She admits that she has insecurities, that she lacked affection from me and someone else gave that to her."- Here we go again with this **** for an excuse. Why not tell me, or get a dog or something. Why did she have to have this guy inside her to feel wanted. What acrock of [email protected] How long was this affair anyway?


7 months... from what she has told me. Started as an EA...


----------



## gdruss (Jun 8, 2011)

This week has been extremely rough.

My emotions are still raging and I'm trying to find in myself if I can actually do this.

She came home late last night. I confronted her about being unusually late and she got angry with me...

I want to point out that he no longer works with her. He left a month ago. The other thing that I'm struggling with is the fact that she works at a restaurant and in my past experience as a bartender, it is a catalyst for continuing the destructive path of going out with "work friends" and drinking. Nothing good comes of this because he is still friends with a lot of her co-workers "her friends" and he will show up with them. I want her out of that business for good. She has a degree and could find a different job easily. She has resisted me saying that "she has seniority and makes good money." To make things more secure for me, I want her out of that business. Any thoughts on how to approach this or just give her the ultimatum? I believe telling her that jobs can come and go, a marriage is forever.


----------



## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

gdruss said:


> This week has been extremely rough.
> 
> My emotions are still raging and I'm trying to find in myself if I can actually do this.
> 
> ...



You need to stand firm and set boundaries for her and your marriage. I think an ultimatum is definitely in order. If she truly wants reconciliation, she has to be willing to do whatever it takes to earn it. If she's not flat-out willing to do that, then the marriage is over. She needs to be willing to do whatever it takes to comfort you at this time. It seems to me she may still be in the "fog".


----------



## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

Also, going back to life like nothing ever happened was a definite mistake. Something did happen, your wife betrayed you with another man. Life for you is going to be a living hell for a long time. You need to sit down with her and explain that her affair changes everything and life is not going to be normal for you for a long time, so why should it be normal for her? Basically, Man-Up and don't let your wife walk all over you. Take charge of your marriage and yourself. if you want to reconcile this marriage, show her you're not going to stand for this sh!t any longer. You can do it, you have it inside you. She will respect you as soon as you show that you respect yourself. Lay down the law my good man, she's already done the worst she can do to you.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

She's the the restaurant business and your not "in" that circle? (oh geez, : face palm : ) 

You have to remove her from that universe asap if you hope to realistically recover from this.

Have you ever been in that business or traveled in restaurant social groups?


----------



## gdruss (Jun 8, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> She's the the restaurant business and your not "in" that circle? (oh geez, : face palm : )
> 
> You have to remove her from that universe asap if you hope to realistically recover from this.
> 
> Have you ever been in that business or traveled in restaurant social groups?


Oh yes. I was a bartender for 8 years. I was a bartender during college and a little after. We met each other in the restaurant. I got out. She stayed in...


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

OK, cool. So you understand clearly what your looking at and why you have to extract her from that soap opera to have a realistic shot at repairing this.


----------



## gdruss (Jun 8, 2011)

Yes sir. I need to grow some balls and act like a man. Put the foot down and give her the ultimatum!

I need to work on my insecurities and know that if this doesn't work out, I can look back and say that I tried and she did not want to be with me.


----------



## gdruss (Jun 8, 2011)

Oh and remind myself that life will be ok!


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

gdruss said:


> Yes sir. I need to grow some balls and act like a man. Put the foot down and give her the ultimatum!
> 
> I need to work on my insecurities and know that if this doesn't work out, I can look back and say that I tried and she did not want to be with me.


Actually what you need to do is not allow her to blame you for her CHOICE to cheat on you. There are literally NO reasons for a person to cheat, only excuses. It's a choice. Period.


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

She cheated because after 6 years together she finally got married, had set the hook in you deep (obviously by your willingness to allow her to rug sweep), She had you (beta male) for love, support and security. As soon as she did she started looking for the alpha male to screw. The part about her staying out late so soon after cheating shows she has ZERO respect for you. Time to wake up and dump the skank.


----------



## findingmyway (May 25, 2011)

GDR, did she go to his place the evening she came home late or did he meet her somewhere else?


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Well strike one on working it out.

I mean the last thing she want is being out late. (you would think)

My bartender of a wife has a drawer and is given a receipt when she gets it and when she turns it in. This receipt has a time on it and my W always is home minute after the drawer is turned it to the vault. Talk about accountablity (her idea)
My point is this is not a good start for you she should have been on the ground asking for forgiveness...no she starts a fight after coming home late.

Go get a GPS and a voice activatied recorder and plant them in her car you will soon find how commited she is to the marriage.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

I hate to say this---but you can take a whole lot of the blame for this happening--Since when do you allow a wife to come home night after night drunk---whoops i forgot she didn't come home, AND YOU DID NOTHING ABOUT IT

Have neither of you ever heard of taxi-cabs

7 months after taking vows she spreads her legs for a kid---and you knew she was partying, just exactly what do you want, why are you complaining---you allowed this to happen---AND NOW YOU ARE CONTINUING TO ALLOW IT TO HAPPEN

She has been proven to be a cheater, maybe the gloss was off the mge, cuz you have been together 7 yrs, but 4 months into most mge's both spouses are starry eyed and have eyes for no one else

She on the other hand was already looking for foreign spice, and she found it real quick

Once again she has cheated, yet wants to stay married---well guess what---she doesn't get a say in how this R, goes

It is all by your rules---she doesn't get to get mad, if you find a problem. and her reverting to her old ways is certainly a problem

She should have been out of that job as of D-Day---it is continuing to put her in harms way---and she doesn't care, while you do nothing!!!!!!

You better man up, like YESTERDAY---you give her, her boundaries, you give her, her consequences, consequences that have dealbreaker actions, such as D. No more words---you need to be all action from now on.

You lay it out---quit the job, get away from all friends that enable her drinking, and carousing, and cheating---she for right now, plays everything by your rules, that has zero tolerance built into it

You can either get hard as nails, or you can be a doormat, and be in misery---its your life, its your choice----also for now---now lovey--dovey, no mr nice guy---and a good hard 180, also she stops the drinking---cold turkey, cold sober---do not even think of having a child with this woman, it would bind you to her for the next 18 yrs.

And you let her know if she looks at another man even cross-eyed, does anything out of the ordinary, or violates any boundary---D. is on the table RIGHT NOW


----------



## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Why are you worrying about the cost fer Christ sake?
Follow up that text with a return receipt registered letter written by her. There are examples of NC letters on here just search for them and make sure you mail it and she writes it and includes all of the critical elements. Documenting this way allows you to pull a restraining order later if tries to pursue her and makes it real final in her mind.

It's great she has come back and you BOTH want to work through it. Check out the site beyondaffairs.com and look for the teleseminar recordings under seminars. I wish you all the good times you deserve.


----------

