# Have I done enough to prevent this breakup? Looks like I was bait/switched.Opinions?



## ChuckNorris (Feb 15, 2013)

I will start this with a brief on our relationship. 3 years ago we started being friends with benefits. I was very hesitant on trusting any girl after my past relationships and had doubts about this one. Well the sex was often "every time I saw her" and after about 5 months of this going off/on and her being very persistent/persuasive I really did fall for the girl. She earned my trust and I felt 100% wanted, I have never met a girl that tried harder and this led to me pursuing a relationship with her. 

In our friends with benefits stage she was very sexual, very nice, would have done anything I asked. I didn't think the word NO was part of her vocabulary, although for the first few months I was doing things to avoid it and really avoid any relationship, eventually I realized "I thought" that this would be the perfect girlfriend. I don't mean using the niceness in a bad way, I just meant being with a girl with a high sex drive that treated me like I had always treated women, good, nice, caring and never angry without a good excuse. 

Well after we started dating the niceness started to fade and so did the sex drive. I thought it was just because it was winter, she drank wine most nights and was going through some family issues. I worked with her to fix her alcohol problem "she was drunk 4-5 nights a week" thinking that it would fix things since the mass amounts of arguments dropped our weekly sex from 3/4 or more a week down to maybe once. After the alcohol problem was solved this made the big fights stop but the mood was only better for a few weeks then back to how it was, however the sex quantity still peaked at twice a week on a good week, usually once, sometimes nil. I will say she has a caring/giving side that shows up on holidays, birthdays etc but the sexual side makes rare appearances. 

Now we have been together over 2 years, I am lucky to get a quickie "15-20 minutes" once a week and maybe a handjob in there if im lucky. The last 2 months I have counted 4 quickies before bed or in the shower, 2 handjobs and one actual sex session that I was very happy albeit surprised with. 

In the last 2 years I have tried so hard to bring our sex life well...back to life. I do anything and everything within reason she has asked me to do, I am the honey do type. If she wants a drink, cup, spoon, turn a light off, do this do that I do it. If she wants me to go with her somewhere I always take her. After this first started I tried being more attentive, along the way doing more and more to be a good friend and boyfriend to her. I have tried talking to her about it, stressing my problems. I have tried going weeks without speaking a word about sex, when she finally catches on it will help me for a couple nights and then back to normal. I can't just go weeks without it for 2 nights of being allowed to penetrate her while she lies there. I have tried talking to her about how it makes me feel unwanted or undesirable "never have I had this problem, I got way more sex when I was single even and in relationships have never had this problem". I have tried talking to her about medications, thought it could be a hormonal imbalance or bi-polar due to the drastic mood swings and anger which have progressed the last few months. She gets mad when I say that and its the end of it, after a real big talk things might get better for as I said before, just a night or two then back to hell. I have tried being understanding, loving and patient but the last few months I haven't been able to do that and we have been fighting alot due to the lack of sex. I am used to having sex 5-10x a week for 1-4 hours at a time, now the normal is 2-3 a month at a far less amount of time and interest from the female. 

I have never had a problem like this, I am honestly used to it being thrown at me and now am in the position that in the last year she has not thrown herself at me or been the provoker or hell even talked dirty/flirted or anything. They say insanity is trying the same thing over and over expecting a different result and I have tried everything from being good, spicing things up, trying new things, talking it out, being verbal etc etc and nothing has changed, in hindsight it all dropped off a couple months after I decided to go from a fwb relationship to being exclusive and officially dating her. I think I have been a victim of bait and switch but is it time to just call it quits and give up? I really do love her but I can't live like this, it has me depressed and feeling horrible all the time. I love sex, it is very important to me, it makes me happy, is my favorite hobby, it is my favorite ab workout "only one I used to need" and I have never had any complaints or dealt with rejection but now it is like all of that has been ripped out from under me. I can deal with the anger issues, most girls I have met have *****y times albeit not like this but I could totally deal if it weren't for the bigger problem. I have started to really think about moving on, but honestly I don't want to see her with anyone else or think about being with someone but I don't know if I have any other options. I have severe trust issues and know it could take years "and 10-20 more girls" to find someone I could possibly trust. If it wasn't for this issue I could see myself marrying her and being very happy but it has prevented me from letting her move in, completely taken the thought of engagement off the table until it is resolved. I hate to go so in depth but I have seen others leave things off the table on here and get flamed for it. I wanted to go a little more in detail and hopefully get some good advice sine this board seems to have the best group of people I have seen yet.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

So let me get this straight....

You're not married, you have no kids together and she's changed from when it was simply a FWB and she's not entitled to get half your sh!t?

I'll bet what you are experiencing is the "real" her. Be thankful you found out now and not after you married her

RUN and don't look back!


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

ChuckNorris said:


> They say insanity is trying the same thing over and over expecting a different result and I have tried everything from being good, spicing things up, trying new things, talking it out, being verbal etc etc and nothing has changed, in hindsight it all dropped off a couple months after I decided to go from a fwb relationship to being exclusive and officially dating her.


You haven't tried everything. You have tried only one thing, being nice and serving her. If she doesn't respond, you have tried being even nicer and serving her more.

She has given you the clues to unlock her libido. When you were aloof, indifferent, only interested in sex, and not interested in serving her, she found you very attractive. Once you changed 180 degrees, stopped dating other women, became attached to her, expressed your love and devotion, and started serving her, she stopped finding you so attractive.

She hasn't changed, you have. If you want her to want to have sex with you, I suggest you change back to the way you were.



ChuckNorris said:


> I have started to really think about moving on, but honestly I don't want to see her with anyone else or think about being with someone but I don't know if I have any other options.


You don't necessarily have to move on. Just make her think that you might. First of all, stop serving her. Assuming she's not handicapped, she can make her own damn drinks and run her own damned errands.

Second, go out without her. Go out in mixed company. Tell her it's some coworkers with a neighbor or two thrown in. She would be bored. Or, don't even tell her. Just say you're going "out" and be gone for a few hours. If she asks you where you were, be vague. If she presses for specifics, become indignant that she doesn't trust you.

Third, stop being so available. Don't respond to every text she sends. Be busy. Be hard to find one or two nights a week. You know, play the games you used to play when you were single.



ChuckNorris said:


> If it wasn't for this issue I could see myself marrying her and being very happy but it has prevented me from letting her move in, completely taken the thought of engagement off the table until it is resolved.


You are correct to put things on hold until you have resolved this. It is possible that you can alter your behaviors to become more attractive to her, and then she will become a good potential wife. However, if you have to go too far and treat her like a perpetual FWB, then I don't recommend marrying her.

Good luck.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

run,run,run

listen to your common sence and run far far away.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

ChuckNorris said:


> She gets mad when I say that and its the end of it, after a real big talk things might get better for as I said before, just a night or two then back to hell.


*BACK TO HELL????? * Did you just say, *THEN BACK TO HELL????* She has mood swings, anger issues, cannot communicate, you cater to her hand and foot, you are nice to her, things get better for a little while, *then it's back to hell??*

You've got to thank your lucky stars that you have this trial period of living together to see what she is really like. The "bait and switch" expression is used AFTER the marriage. NOT before. What you have is more like, "getting to know you." 

Well, you know her and it ain't looking good. The red flags are waving fiercely in your face. If you think life with her now can be hell, just know that it's all downhill from here. If you want to read really sad stories of spouses in a marriage with a bi-polar person, search for "bipolor" here at TAM, and you'll then know, without a shadow of a doubt, that you need to run for your life.

Good luck.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

:iagree:

You mention you can't bear the thought of her being with another guy if your two broke up.

I wonder if she has the same thoughts?

You're not married, you simply have an agreement in the form of a lease. Be prepared to move on and realize that just because you don't like the idea of her being with another man, it doesn't mean love. It only means you feel territorial.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

I actually scrolled through this thread looking for a Chuck Norris joke....


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I think it's fair to tell her that a fulfilling, intimate sexual component is necessary for your relationship with her to work out. It's how you will emotionally connect with her if she can meet this need.

If she can't meet this need, you will be resentful and frustrated and less likely to meet her needs and the relationship is doomed.

If she doesn't see this as a shot across her bow, time to leave.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

The thing is, at this point in your relationship everything should be easy. If you have to fight and work so hard just to have a decent sex life before you're even married or have kids, just imagine what it's going to be like 10 years from now. I say dump her. This is what dating is for. Getting to know someone and finding out if you're compatible long term.


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## AWorkInProgress (Dec 6, 2012)

The first thing I thought of when I read your post was Renters.

There's a good book by Dr. William Harley called "Buyers, Renters, and Freeloders"


Which One Are You?
Evaluating your status requires you to look honestly at your level of investment in your current relationship (and perhaps at your behavior in past relationships) to see whether you are generally more inclined toward one category or another.

Let’s begin with Freeloaders. In the context of this evaluation, a Freeloader isn’t necessarily a bad person. He or she is simply unwilling to put much effort into the care of his or her partner in a romantic relationship. He or she does only what comes naturally and expects only what comes naturally. It’s like a person who lives in a house without paying rent or doing anything to improve the situation (unless he or she is in the mood to do so). If two Freeloaders wind up together, they may have a good time – at least for a while. The same goes for two Renters. But when a Freeloader hooks up with a Renter (or worse, a Buyer), the results can be disastrous.

A Renter is willing to provide limited care as long as it’s in his or her immediate best interest. The romantic relationship is considered tentative, so the care is viewed as limited-term and flexible. It’s like a person who rents a house and is willing to stay as long as the conditions seem fair, or until he or she finds something better. The person is willing to pay reasonable rent and keep the house clean, but is not willing to make repairs or improvements. It’s the “landlord’s” job (and if you’re a Buyer in a relationship with a Renter, that would be you) to keep the place attractive enough for the renter to stay and continue paying rent. Two Renters can spend years together, as long as the boundaries are clear and both individuals are comfortable with the idea of a self-renewing, limited-term lease. But people are unlikely to reach the deepest levels of intimacy or personal growth in a Renter relationship.

Buyers, by contrast, are willing to demonstrate an extraordinary sense of care by making permanent changes in their own behavior and lifestyle in order to make the romantic relationship – presumably with another Buyer – mutually fulfilling. As problems emerge, Buyers seek out long-term solutions, which, by definition, must work well for both partners. It’s like a person who buys a house for life, willing to make repairs that accommodate changing needs – painting the walls, installing new carpet and even doing some remodeling – so that it can be comfortable and useful for the long haul.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

AWorkInProgress said:


> There's a good book by Dr. William Harley called "Buyers, Renters, and Freeloders"
> 
> 
> Which One Are You?


What about "rent with option to buy"?


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> You don't necessarily have to move on. Just make her think that you might. First of all, stop serving her. Assuming she's not handicapped, she can make her own damn drinks and run her own damned errands.
> 
> Second, go out without her. Go out in mixed company. Tell her it's some coworkers with a neighbor or two thrown in. She would be bored. Or, don't even tell her. Just say you're going "out" and be gone for a few hours. If she asks you where you were, be vague. If she presses for specifics, become indignant that she doesn't trust you.
> 
> ...


:iagree: Yeah, speaking from experience, you need to communicate your boundaries through your actions. If you stay in this relationship and don't communicate your boundaries, you're in for lots of suffering. There's no reason why you can't have a life outside of her, especially now.


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

Here you go, Kingsfan:

As a matter of fact, Chuck Norris takes a lickin' every day of his life. Soon afterward, he zips up his pants and the girl pays him.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

JoeHenderson said:


> Here you go, Kingsfan:
> 
> As a matter of fact, Chuck Norris takes a lickin' every day of his life. Soon afterward, he zips up his pants and the girl pays him.




Chuck Norris visited the "virgin" islands...... when he left it was renamed to the islands.

Chuck Norris can impregnate you via anal or oral sex.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

I meant borderline personality disorder, not bipolor disorder. Read more here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell-2.html#post473522


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## King Ding Dong (Feb 23, 2013)

totamm said:


> What about "rent with option to buy"?


Never heard of this. I see "rent to own" all the time. I guess that doesn't sound to good.


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