# don't want to lose her



## jdj (Jul 12, 2010)

Ok, long story I'll try to condense it here. Married to the same woman for 17 years, together for 6 years before that since she was 15 and i was 17. Two kids, a boy 16 and a girl 10. 3 months ago we had a conversation on the phone after she went out one night while i was at work. I caught her talking to a guy on facebook (F******* facebook) and she lied about it. Very unusual for her. This all led to me telling her she seemed dissatisfied for the last couple of years. Hung up the phone, she thought about it for a day and phoned back very depressed, realized i was right that she hadn't been happy but had been putting on a happy face all this time. This led to me revealing (because she asked) an infidelity on my part 15 years earlier. Almost sexual but i couldn't go through with it. Still the same to her though, understood. At the same time she told me part of her unhappiness was due to my increasing negativity around her and the kids for the last few years.

There are far too many things to mention here that have contributed but since that day nothing has been the same. I've lost my loving wife, replaced by a wife whose trying to see her way through but is very angry with me. I have changed EVERYTHING about myself since that time. I know I have not been there emotionally for her and I've dropped the negativity, I'm a totally different person. She sees it now but doesn't believe it will last. I'm convinced it will, sadly it's taken this for me to understand how much I truly love this woman. We have always had a very special bond and relationship. Other people that know about this are shocked, we are the last ones anyone would have thought this would happen to. She says the image in her mind is of her living alone with the kids in an apartment somewhere. I'm getting the dreaded "I love you but I'm not in love with you". I'm trying to convince her we can get the connection back, that this happens all the time and people are successful in patching things together but we both have to work at it. She is trying very hard but to me it's trying to decide if she wants to try. When I try to do and say things that I know will start us back on the road to recovery she just puts up a wall. I've done things for her in the last couple of months that have hardly received a response, things that 6 months ago would have made her very happy.

Now, to complicate things, I found out that shes been talking to this married guy on facebook all along. She has admitted it in the past but downplayed it. Yesterday in her phone I found evidence that they are having very strong feelings for each other. I was floored and very hurt. I did not get too angry though. i told her she had to cut off all ties with this man, that there wasn't room for both of us. She agrees and wonders why I'm being so calm, but yet shes having a very hard time ending it. I had told her this once in the past and she said she would end it, I even phoned the guy and he said it had gotten carried away and he didn't want to lose his family either. But now they're talking again. She actually asked me to leave the house so she could have some time and space to think about things. I told her I could wait on all the other issue's but that i needed an answer about this right away. I desperately want to stay with this woman but I can't keep working on the marriage with him in the picture. I am now in my trailer an hour from home waiting. She said when he contacts her they would discuss it and she would phone me. I told her his wife has a right to know but she warned me that she would be very angry if i did that. I'm tempted to phone him again but I'm just not sure where to go next. He has a couple of kids also. 

So, how do i convince her to make an honest attempt at this marriage? How do i get her to drop the wall? Been the worst 3 months i can remember in my 40 years, very painful. I am learning to deal with it but I don't want to imagine life without her. Thanks in advance


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## jdj (Jul 12, 2010)

I would like to add that she tells me all the time that i'm a great father and provider, good person,tractive etc.., ad admits that she must be crazy for thinking this way. She is a very confused woman right now and i don't know how to help her.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You help her by getting the other guy out of the picture so she can think clearly without the affair 'fog.' Go to marriagebuilders.com to read about it.

You're getting the speech because she's got another guy in the wings. Cheating wives ALWAYS want their husband to 'give them space' so they can see the other man more easily. DON'T DO IT! Do NOT move out! EVER!

Get the books His Needs Her Needs and also Surviving an Affair. Read them asap.

Now, you have to say to her "I need you to end ALL communication with OM." If she refuses, then you will go to one person in her life she trusts most, tell that person she's cheating, ask them to talk to her. If that person can't get her to stop, then you need to tell the rest of her family and friends AND the OM's wife.

She'll be mad but so what? She is CHEATING! Your marriage can survive her anger. It cannot survive another man.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Go back home NOW it is your house as well, no debate, she is having the affair she leaves if she so chooses. 

Man up and expose her to all, friends family co-workers the lot. The longer you are a nice guy on this the less chance you have of getting her back. 

Track the affair mans wife down. YOU MUST let his wife know - this is your second priority after getting back into your house. 

At this moment the affair man is a very happy man, he is having an affair with your wife, you stepped out giving him more room to play and he has a wife at home. 

This is where you need to hear what is being said to you. 

YOU WILL LOSE YOUR WIFE IF YOU CHOOSE TO IGNORE THE ADVICE GIVEN

You are not the first in this position, trust what you read and do it. Please at this stage harden your heart you are doing this to save your marriage Do it now.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

While I don't agree with the idea of telling all her family and friends what she's doing (it should be a private matter between you, in my opinion), I do agree with the other advice given here. You should go home. You've done nothing wrong; why should you have to leave your home? If she wants space, then she should leave. Whether or not to contact the other guy or his wife...I think that's something you should decide for yourself. My former husband used to cheat on me all the time...while I wanted to know, there was also a part of me that didn't want to know and would have denied it was happening if someone had called me and told me what he was up to. So his wife might not believe you anyway. Contacting him...I can understand wanting to, but I'm not sure what it would accomplish. You tell him to leave her alone, she tells him don't, she's giving him whatever he wants...who do you think he's more likely to listen to? 

The blame for this needs to be laid where it rightly belongs...with her. Regardless of his marital status or values or anything else, YOUR WIFE knew she was married, and she chose to do this anyway. She is wrong, and she needs to admit it. She needs to stop doing wrong, and accept responsibility for her mistakes, and begin trying to make things right. If she's not willing to do that, then there may not be anything left worth saving. 

And as for her getting angry if you do certain things...here's my thought on that: there's two thoughts actually. One is that she'll get over the anger, and if she doesn't, you're better off anyway then. The other thought is that she has nothing to be angry about. She's put you in this position. She can't honestly expect you to simply stand by and wait patiently for her to get bored and be ready for you to come back. And if she does actually expect that, then maybe you should consider what you may have done to give her cause to expect that, and change it. 

If she thinks you just love her so much that you'd never leave her, show her she's wrong. Tell her that either she ends the affair, or you're leaving. If she thinks that you're just so laidback and easygoing that you'll tolerate anything, prove that impression wrong. She needs to know that you're not a doormat to be walked on, but a man to be loved and respected.

Something to keep in mind, that my boyfriend always tells me when he feels I'm being taken advantage of: People can only get away with what you let them get away with.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

atg, exposure is advocated because affairs thrive in secrecy. That's what makes them fun and exciting and gets the blood flowing. Exposing it to the light of day makes it hard to pretend that what they are doing is ok. It points out that they may become embarrassed to be found out to be a liar and a cheat. It makes them question whether continuing the affair is worth it. Marriages can survive exposure; they can survive the cheater's anger at being exposed; but they can't survive 3 people.



> Tell her that either she ends the affair, or you're leaving.


He did that and nothing happened. Nothing WILL happen when the cheater is in the fog of the affair. Contact must be stopped for them to be able to think clearly again.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

turnera said:


> atg, exposure is advocated because affairs thrive in secrecy. That's what makes them fun and exciting and gets the blood flowing. Exposing it to the light of day makes it hard to pretend that what they are doing is ok. It points out that they may become embarrassed to be found out to be a liar and a cheat. It makes them question whether continuing the affair is worth it. Marriages can survive exposure; they can survive the cheater's anger at being exposed; but they can't survive 3 people.
> 
> He did that and nothing happened. Nothing WILL happen when the cheater is in the fog of the affair. Contact must be stopped for them to be able to think clearly again.


I'm not saying exposure is wrong, just that I don't know that I'd do it. Mainly because when my ex-husband cheated on me, others knew, and it didn't help. He continued to cheat and I got hit with a barrage of "You need to leave" when we were trying (I thought anyway) to work things out. 

As for the leaving....I left out that if she doesn't end the affair, he should actually leave. Sorry about that.  I've got two kids looking over my shoulder, wanting to go outside, and I was trying to type fast. What that should have said was: 

Tell her to stop the affair or you're leaving. If she doesn't stop the affair, leave. There's no law that says that you can't get back together if she wakes up and realizes that she needs to change things. But by leaving, she'll realize you mean what you say.


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## jdj (Jul 12, 2010)

wow, thank you for all the reply's! I went back this morning to visit her. Told her she needs to see this for what it really is, an affair. I don't think she sees it as serious as it is. She still thinks it's a symptom of our other problems but I told her this morning she can't honestly say that until he's out of the picture. I told her she has to end all contact with him by the end of the weekend or I can't keep putting the effort into this marriage. This is a smart woman who knows she'll probably regret leaving. i told her people re-connect and love again all the time, she's not fully convinced but I think she's moving more in that direction. I did tell her yesterday that if the image of living alone with the kids is the only one she has then she'll always work towards that and nothing else. I asked her to consider imagining us together in a loving marriage and she agreed to try. I said if she couldn't then maybe she should move out instead of agonizing over the decision. Not sure but I don't think she expected that and I think it made her think a little.

I am VERY leary of telling other people. My wife doesn't get over anger easily. She already is ashamed, I can tell. She's only told one friend which is very telling in itself. When I spoke to the guy before, he sounded very sincere about not wanting to lose his family. My wife re-initiated the contact so that's why i thought i would try phoning him first 

The reason I leave is because I worry what she'll do on her own; probably stupid I know but she was in a very good mood when i got there this morning and depressed by the time I left. That's been the problem all along, I can't seem to leave her alone. I know I have to give her space but feel so desperate to hang on that I keep talking about it when she doesn't want to. I think I need to stay away for a while to let her sort things out. Not because of this affair but because of all the other problems. Thanks again.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Go to marriagebuilders.com and read about saving a marriage from an affair. You need more information. She doesn't need space. She needs decisiveness on your part.


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## jdj (Jul 12, 2010)

Thank you Turnera. I've started reading there.

So when she has been saying all along she needs the space and doesn't want to touch me...she accepts my massages but feels a little guilty about it...will spend time together with other couples but not alone together (well she has tried but it's awkward). Was it this all along? was i duped into believing this wasn't that serious and just a symptom of our problems? Does she not want the space because of the thing i revealed to her about the past and the way she says I've made her feel all these years? I guess I won't know until she stops talking to this guy. We had agreed on the weekend but now he's gone for a week so I told her that she needs to consider writing a letter to end itfor good. Asked her why she needs to communicate with him to do it, it's up to her not him. We will be talking later and I'll see what she's decided i guess. 

I'm very grateful for this website, lots of good info and positive affirmations. alot of people on here have gone through similiar situations and made it back. Very encouraging.


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## jdj (Jul 12, 2010)

K so i went on a bike trip for the weekend and when i came back she had sent a letter to the guiy saying they need to stop talking, that she wants to work on her marriage. 

Great! 

But when i saw her tonight it was for a short time and we had a good discussion about it but she's still easily irritated and frustrated by my presence, says something changes when i enter the house. What the hell is that? More time needed for her to digest the ending of the EA?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It takes a LONG time for someone to stop thinking about the OM. Sorry, but it's true.


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## jdj (Jul 12, 2010)

Can't find the books where i live. I'll have to order them and keep reading MB online.

I know she's committed to stopping contact with the other guy though. She gave me her FB and hot mail passwords and deleted him from her FB accounts (she had an alias one i didn't know about but suspected because i knew about his from her phone). She seems really remorseful and wonders why i'm being so supportive. I told her she created this situation but we got here together. 

But she's still asking for space from me. Says this doesn't gaurantee she's staying with me but she will try. Says she deserves to be happy but only reasons for staying are the kids, finances, I'm the provider, feels bad for what she's doing to me etc.., all reasons she thinks are the wrong ones to stay because they aren't necessarily what she wants for herself. She says she has a hard time separating those things from what she wants. I tried to tell her they're things that HAVE to be considered and can't be separated because it's all part of our lives together. Just not sure what to do next i guess.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No matter what happens, YOU do NOT move out. She can leave if she wants, but you stay there, and the kids stay there. This is one place you will have to be extremely forceful about. Be prepared for her to tell you you're a monster, you're selfish, you're cruel. Just listen, don't say a word, offer her a cookie. Nothing you say back can make any sense to a cheater. Not until she's gone through withdrawal.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

You've done the hardest part. Now you just have to learn how to rekindle the spark between you and renew her interest in you.

It takes time.


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## jdj (Jul 12, 2010)

Just spent a long time reading showtime's post. Only on pg 11 so far but it makes me wonder if i've made some mistakes. I've never really shown any anger about the ea, and when she wrote the letter to him i told her it was the right thing to do for everybody invloved, especially her and said i was here to support her. I told her if she ever spoke to him again she would be starting the grieving process over, but that if she did i hoped she would tell me and she says she will. I told her I loved her and wanted to make our marriage work. Also told her we arrived here together, that we both had a hand in what's happened but that it doesn't excuse what she's done. She's worried that if we reconcile I'll resent her later. Am i still being too nice? She seems to appreciate it right now although she's a little weirded out by it. 

Still wants space from me and says she would be willing to leave for a while if i wanted to stay. Problem is i work away from home sometimes anyway. Does she need time to get over him or should i be worried she's still talking to him? I don't think she can be this week because he told her he would be gone with his family and unavailable. She had me personally delete her other facebook account today because she was having trouble doing it. Seems like she's committed to stopping even though she openly admitted it would be hard. I guess I'm not sure how much of this is residual from the EA and how much is really from her anger towards me from the past? After reading showtime's post it made me wonder if she's making the past seem worse to herself and me because of the EA?

Is it deceitful to keep this discussion a secret from her? She would feel that way.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

A piece of advice, you never saw the letter she sent. 

For all you know it could have been a gushy I love you but can’t talk right now because of hubby, lets touch base later when the coast is clear. 

Stop being so nice and see this for what it is…You need to be strong and lead this, your wife is not in the right frame of mind to direct the course of healing.. 

You must let *his wife know*, this is important, it is a lot harder for them to reconnect when both spouses are watching.

You do not need to say anything to her about the call. Do yourself a favour have his number barred so that she can’t call him and visa versa.

As for the healing, be there, she will want space, you do not move out of your house nor do any children.

Healing takes time possibly in your case a very long time, this is a team effort.

As for your question:--

Is it deceitful to keep this discussion a secret from her? She would feel that way. --- *absolutely not*.

Do not tip her hand as to the advice you are given to save your marriage, she is in an EA and I assure you she would not have stopped had you not caught her. 

Try the following sites for support:

Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice


and 

www.affaicare.com


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## jdj (Jul 12, 2010)

Thanks Wisp.

There's my first major issue...I'm a poor communicator. I did see the letter and confirmed it was sent to him. I guess I didn't mention that. 

Again, thanks for the advice on here. After I read and posted, it changed the way I looked at the situation and made me realize I needed to be more firm and not so gullible.

Should this thread be in Coping with Infidelity? Can someone move it? Tells ya where my mindset was at when I posted as opposed to now!


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## jdj (Jul 12, 2010)

I hope to hell you guys are right!!

I just told her I'm coming home, it's my house and my kids and if she wants space she can leave. I wasn't rude or mean, I said it as nicely as possible. She's kinda angry now but I told her she can't make responsible decisions about our family while she's getting over the EA. It's not something I would have done before but...here's hoping it works! I re-iterated that I'm here to help and support her in getting over the EA.

I still can't determine though if she's actually magnifying the problems from before that I created BECAUSE of the EA. She keeps saying that I'm trying to deflect all our issue's onto this situation. I told her when we're both satisfied that she's over the EA if she still wants me to leave based on the past issue's I'll respect that and we can discuss it at that time. 

Wish me luck!!


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Hold the line, be firm, be calm, just love your wife and let her know that..


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## jdj (Jul 12, 2010)

so im home. She's still here but acting very depressed. Not really sure how to act around her. Trying to just be happy and take charge of all things, keep busy. She said before she felt like she was being bullied because she's doing what everybody else wants, not what she wants (by having me come back i mean). Since the beginning she has said this about how all these years she's put everyone else ahead of her, now she wants to decide for herself what she wants to do.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Be normal, let her know you love her and are there to support her and rebuild your marriage and trust together. She must be able to trust you and talk to you.

An EA is one of the hardest things to break, in the mean time be an amazing husband, no grovelling, do not overwhelm her with “I love you comments”, at the moment she does not feel very lovable.

Remember it is not you who had the affair it is she. 

There will be a missing in your marriage that both of you have to find and work to solve. It may mean you have to change and she may have to as well. 

Both of you should look at 

Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice

the site has some pretty good advice on what to do as does

AffairCare Home


In the means time buy the book His needs, Her needs by Willard F Harley circa $20 US.. Both of you should read it..

Post as often as you like with any questions


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

A few key points here if I may. 

Exposure is essential for a variety of reasons. As was stated before, it sheds lighton the affair so it is no longer hidden. The wife of the OM has the right to know what is happening and THAT will do as much if not moe to help end the affair. Will your wife be pissed? Absolutely but she is also causing pain to the OM wife and the wife deserves to know. 

If the roles were reversed and you were in the dark about the affair, would you want the OM's wife to tell you?

Also, exposing to friends and family is important for 2 reasons. #1, they usually believe whomever talks 1st. If your wife is still having the affair at this point, she will begin to rewrite history to your friends and family, painting you as a monster and her as a victim. You need to protect your reputation. #2, friends and family can be a strong influence on helping the wayward see the light.

When my wife's EA happened, I did neither of these and I firmly believe it prolonged the process of us moving forward.

Just a few points for ya. Good luck

Q~


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Good job on going home. Now that you are there, make SURE that you talk to her about her issues with the marriage. Keep in mind that they will be over-exaggerated by the affair fog, but there will be some truth in it. You now need to be fixing YOURSELF so she has a reason to want you back.

Ignore all her crap at this point - the depression, the anger...all that. 

And when she says she's put herself on the back burner...LISTEN TO HER. Most women do that....and then they resent their spouse! But you are in a perfect spot to HELP her put herself first - WITHIN THE MARRIAGE. Spend time talking to her, seeing what she has put off in her life, what she gave up, what you can help her achieve WHILE MARRIED. That will go a long way.


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## jdj (Jul 12, 2010)

Had a great day yesterday. Went for a ride on the bike together and spent some time alone talking about things. She feels bad and wonders how i can forgive her and love her etc..., but the EA is still heavy on her mind, she admitted as much. Asked her to not think about our marriage problems until she was confident she was over the OM, she agreed to try. She seems to understand that she needs to clear her head first.

Then I think i made a big mistake. We watched a movie together and i massaged her back. I do this alot because she has tension in her shoulders. We went to bed and I was tickling her back but something seemed weird. I asked her if she wanted me to stop and after some hesitation she said yes. We both fell asleep but I had the impression she might want sex. I told myself that can't be right now and left it alone. Then i woke up shortly after and could tell she was dreaming. I touched her and she responded, we ended up having sex but afterwards she cried for 20 minutes and told me she wasn't ready for that, mad that I did what i did. I guess i must have read the situation wrong, maybe she's still fantasizing about the OM and that act only encouraged it? I feel really stupid because yesterday prior to this was very positive and seemed like we made a lot of progress. I felt better about us yesterday than I have for three months. 

This may be why she doesn't want me here, doesn't want me to pressure her in that area. I think she might feel like she'll give those signals but doesn't want intimacy from me yet? Don't really no what to say to rectify this now. Thanks.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yeah, I would just step back from the SF for a couple weeks, at least. Women do often feel a lot of pressure from men for that, and it can make us really stressed out. Just tell her it's off the table for 2 weeks.


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## jdj (Jul 12, 2010)

I have seen a therapist three times in the last while. Yesterday she said it's time for my wife to come in now and start couples therapy so she can focus on me which in turn will help her forget the OM. Wife says she doesn't want to go. She thinks we don't need it, that we're doing all we need. I guess I kinda agree with her but I know it wouldn't hurt to try. I can't force her though. Any thought on the value of therapy together? i see alot of people on here don't go and seem to do ok.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why are you letting HER dictate what happens?


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## jdj (Jul 12, 2010)

I guess i was wondering if it was really worth being forceful and considered controlling by her. Probably depends on who ya ask...


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

At this point this is not the time for seperation. This worked for use ;
-Start going out on dates all the time
- take her out as much as you can
-send her flowers
-write her a short love letters
-post a wedding pic on the mirror even family pics
-tell her shes HOT!
Look at like this;
you are trying to score with this new chick(your wife)
do some corny stuff, take a day off from work to be with her.
send her a card and flowers at her work.
Theres a reason you guys got married , do the stuff you did 17 years ago. Think about it, How did you score before you too met?
This is going to sound terrible, but, You may need to start practicing your game  good luck


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## jdj (Jul 12, 2010)

So is it normal to seem like a losing battle sometimes? Some days seem like so much progress and then others seem like going backwards. Last night in her sleep she was having a "nice" dream and said his name a few times...she told me yesterday this is a lot harder than she thought it would be. I re-iterated that it was going to take some time and that i was there to help her through. She finds this concept of me helping her to be very strange, says she doesn't want to talk to me about it. We quit talking for the night and i just held her while we watched a show together.

Says shes horrible and doesn't deserve my love, doesn't understand why i want to help her.

Still says shes trying to repair our marriage but she really isn't trying to re-connect at all. I guess i have to give her some time to get over him first. She's not all that receptive to my reconnect attempts right now which i understand but the longer it goes, the more she sees it as proof that we can't repair it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Tell her that it's normal for it to take months, not days or weeks, but it will happen - if she WANTS it to happen. She has to be 'in' for it to work. And yes, it's normal; the word rollercoaster is often used.


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## jdj (Jul 12, 2010)

She says she's trying but is it really trying? Seems like she's trying to decide if she wants to try. I don't know. Maybe I'm thinking too much. Hard to imagine months worth of this but I'll do whatever I have to to preserve our family. I know she'll regret leaving...but i told her if that's really what she wants then she should do it and get it out of her system. Told her i can't gaurantee I'd be there when she wanted to come back.

I guess she'll have no choice but to get over it if she can't ever contact him again.

Just seems weird to help my wife get over loving someone else...


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## jdj (Jul 12, 2010)

Alright....go ahead and say it. I was dead wrong, I [email protected]#$%d up. Should have listened closer and paid attention.

Had to leave for work today and didn't feel 100% confident in my wife's ability to not talk to him. Installed a keylogger and left for a couple of hours. When I came back, suprise!! Still talking to him. Found the "L" word a couple of times.

Couldn't hold back today; very angry and let her know it. not the appropriate response I know but f**** me, how much of this **** can I take? It's been 4 mths of agony so far and just when i thought it was getting better...

For those of you that suspect but can't believe it's happening...I'm here to tell ya, it is!!! I wish I knew about the EA 4 mths ago when all this **** started. Instead I listened to all the bull**** about how bad of a husband I'd been, made her feel insecure and under confident blah blah blah...From this forum I now see what all the bull**** was stemming from. She called this a symptom of our marital problems...today i told her our marital problems are a symptom of THIS!

Right or wrong, I also told her I'm not hanging around in a marriage where someone else is involved. Told her she needs to make a firm decision now. I gave her copies of the no contact letter.

I'm gone now and calmed down but I'm not sure what to do next. I phoned the guy tonight and said many things, told him they can't hide this and that if he answers her or trys to contact her my next phone calls would be his wife, then his family. I know, I know...should tell his wife now but it is a very sensitive issue with my own wife right now. But I can see everything they do and if I see one more corespondance I will phone his wife. Who cares if she gets pissed off and leaves (my wife I mean). Whats the difference if she doesn't stop talking to him anyway?

I talked to her on the phone and said I have'nt changed my stance, I'm still committed to our marriage and family if she'll stop the contact. No contact letter will be essential now...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So sorry. But you have to stay strong. NO CONTACT period. And his wife DOES need to know, so she can help you maintain no contact.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

jdj:

I have been watching your thread and you need to do what needs to be done

Call his wife NOW . Let his family know and her friends know as well.

Do not sit and hope for the best it will only happen if you do somehing abut it..

Simple rule, stop the affair then fix the marriage.

He is not going to stop talking to her, your threats are empty unless you do something


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hi there, 
Okay you have been mister nice guy for to long.
You gave her a chance and she chose to still continue the relationship with the OM.....
You need to talk the OM's wife and family, your families and friends and let them know that you are trying to save your marriage and this is what your wife is up to.....
You can survive her being mad, your marriage won't survive her being involved with the OM.....
Tell her point blank if she doesn't stop this relationship with the OM that you will not continue in the marriage and that she will have to move on with her life......
Tell her this has been her decision and that she will have to move out .......
Stay strong, be loving but firm........keep your anger in check.....
Keep watching......and reading and learning.......Marriage builers Plan A for now.........


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## jdj (Jul 12, 2010)

Thanks everybody...

So I have to be away for a couple of days. Do I still phone her and support her, tell her I love her or do I give her some time without contact to think about it? 

The home computer emails me the keylogger report so I know what shes doing.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Call her in am and pm; that's all. And tell her what cool things you are doing without her.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

jdj said:


> The home computer emails me the keylogger report so I know what shes doing.


Whatever you decide to do, DO NOT tell her you have a keylogger on the computer.

Personally, what I'd do in your situation is watch her. If she says she is back in the marriage then she has to BE back in the marriage. As in: sends the no contact letter, blocks his email, deletes from facebook, remove number from phone list, etc. 

AND recommits by behavior, not words, to you.

SHORT LEASH for this. Days and weeks, not months and years.

And if she fails this hoopjumping?

Divorce her.

If she succeeds? Great.


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## jdj (Jul 12, 2010)

Someone help me understand this.

These are all things she says;

I'm a great father to my children
We have good sex life
I'm a good kind person
She says I'm still physically attractive and good looking
I've been and still am a good provider

AND I don't pick up other people's wives on the internet!

What is the problem? How is this any kind of a decision? I told her everybody including our kids are gonna know about this affair if she doesn't stop. That makes her feel physically ill but yet she's still not sure?! WTF!!

And on top of it all I'm promising her I'll do the things that have been missing, have shown her that for 4 mths now.

Some days i tire of tryin so hard without any reciprocation...worried it's gonna get old....


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

as long as she continues the relationship with the OM she won't be able to look at you or the marriage in the right way......she is clouded by the affair fog and that is all that makes her feel good right now, don't get mad at her, think of her as an addict that can't control what she does......
Exposure stops affairs, they live in secrecy and they are no fun when everyone knows what you are doing is hurting someone else and ruining a family.......
Give her the man she fell in love with, come across calm and loving......but be firm that it is you or him........she is getting something from both of you now.......back away and let her see what it would really be like without you in her life, tough to do I know, let the OM try to fill all her needs that you are meeting right now....I bet he won't want to and she will be disappointed in him and his commitment to her.......
Let it fall apart, 4 months is a long time already.......Plan B


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

I concur. You have to expose her to everyone. The light will help more then anything to kill the affair. You have to blow this thing wide open. Stop reacting with fear. Worry about doing whats right. Exposure is part of the consequences. I would also cut her off financially and file for divorce (You don't have to go through with it, just show her that you are willing to if she doesn't change).


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Agreed. It's time for exposure. You don't TELL her you're going to do it. You pick ONE person she cares most about and tell that person; hopefully that person will talk to her; maybe she'll stop. If not, then you go to all her other people - and HIS - and tell them. Keep doing Plan A and see if the affair stops under all the scrutiny.

After another month or two, if it doesn't, THEN you go to Plan B, where you remove yourself from her life and let OM fill ALL her needs; which usually kills affairs, too.


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## jdj (Jul 12, 2010)

Well, that did it. Not sure my marriage will survive this anger...

Phoned a good friend of hers yesterday, she already knew but didn't know all the details. Wife VERY angry about that.

Then, after she spoke to her friend, TOM contacted her. Don't know exactly what was said but he must have hurt her, must have made it clear that he was done with affair because she was VERY VERY upset. Called me and said "well you got your way, it's over now so you should be happy". She said I manipulated everybody into ending it by phoning and threatening him. She also said I manipulated her and threatened her by telling her I was gonna tell everybody we knew (which I never did do). She said the No Contact letters were given to her by me to make her feel ashamed and degraded, make her feel like ****.

We texted later on in the night and she said some very hurtful things to me. Said the word "hate" alot. I've NEVER seen her this mad at me, and she's been mad many times before. This is different. She says I've crossed a line by talking to him and her friend and by threatening her. She says she doesn't think she can see past it now. Told me she finally found someone to love her and now he doesn't want her either.

This is terrible. I know my wife. i feel like she'll never let me live this down. i told her all the things I did were because I loved her and didn't want to lose our marriage. She said f**** you. She said that alot. She said if I ever truly loved her I would not tell his wife. I'm not sure what he said to her but she is hurt real bad right now. i can only assume she thought one day it would go somewhere with him and maybe he told her he didn't feel the way she did. 

Someone please tell me this is normal, she'll get over it....


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It is VERY normal. We could have given you a whole list of things she would say, and I bet she said every one of them. It's why they call it a script. Don't expect her to jump back to you; getting over her shame and betrayal (by TOM) will take a while.

Meanwhile, you continue Plan A - look great, smell great, cook her favorite foods, do all the honey-do's you never got around to, try to fill out a Love Buster questionnaire for her so you'll know what you need to fix about yourself, try to fill out the Emotional Needs questionnaire for her so you'll know how to meet her top ENs.

Whatever you do, do NOT engage in discussions with her about any of this. Just keep repeating you're trying to save your marriage and that you know your loving wife is in there and you will wait for her. Nothing more. 

She NEEDS you to be strong right now. She needs to see that you didn't do this to hurt her, but to save her from herself and that you still love her. Right now, she's feeling ashamed and humilated and DUMPED. Let her grieve. Just be consistent in what you need in a marriage and in the fact that you are NOT going to divorce her and you can't wait to start working on the problems in the marriage that got you two to this point.

And whatever you do, do NOT move out of the family home! You stay there, the kids stay there, if she's so unhappy, she can move out - on her own dime - and see what life is like without you and the kids.

Deep breath, this is all very normal.


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## jdj (Jul 12, 2010)

Thank you Turnera...

It's really hard to feel that way right now. Like I said, Ive NEVER seen her like this.

She also told me she hates that I cheated (didn't go through with but yes, I understand it is as bad as this because the intent was there)
she hates that she can't trust me
she hates that the first few years of our marriage were a sham
she hates that she's spent years with me making her feel inadequate and under confidant
she wants to be alone, hates her life and is gonna run away from it
hates me for putting her in this position and making her unhappy for all these years
says i'm a manipulative, controlling bastard

I just feel like I made a big mistake. i see how some of those things seemed like threats to her and maybe I went about it wrong, like not exactly it was explained to me here. I'm not even at home right now, leary to even go back there..


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Like I said, just expect her to spew fog-filled crapola right now. Right now, to save face, she has to turn YOU into a monster so 'people' will quit looking at her as if she's done something wrong. It's called _rewriting history_. They ALL do it so they can justify to themselves why they are cheating.

All those happy times you were together? All the special holidays and trips and whatnot? All lies. She was miserable the whole time. You were a jerk the whole time, she just didn't say anything so she wouldn't hurt your feelings.

Yeah, right.

Just slow down, deep breaths, and wait her out.

You HAVE to go home, ok? Be the man she needs you to be right now, and take her anger on, say nothing, and know in your heart you are fighting to save her soul.


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## jdj (Jul 12, 2010)

Funny thing is she's making me feel like there were no times like that, that it was all just bull****. I guess I'm just buying into it and I shouldn't be.

I work away from home and because of this stuff I have'nt worked much the last while. Unfortunately I have to be away right now, hopefully just till tomorrow.

Thank you Turnera. I don't have a lot of people to talk to about this and I appreciate the support I'm getting here...it helps


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you have time, get the book Surviving an Affair. It will explain what you're going through, all the 'script' phrases she will use on you to control you, and what to look out for. You really need it right now. If you can't get to a bookstore, go online to marriagebuilders.com and read the material there on affairs.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

jdj said:


> Funny thing is she's making me feel like there were no times like that, that it was all just bull****. I guess I'm just buying into it and I shouldn't be.


Remember, that's the only way she can live with what she has done. To vilify YOU. She may even believe her own lies, at this time. 

That's why it's so important for you to be strong, silent, calm, and loving. KNOW what has to happen - her to come back with transparency, give you access to her phone/computer so you can verify she is no longer cheating, and make REAL work on the marriage to fix whatever was wrong.


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## jdj (Jul 12, 2010)

I just wonder though...

She said because he ended it that took the choice away from her, like she was gonna choose him. Doesthat hurt us at all? Or will it in the future?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Only if she never comes out of the fog. The reason for exposure is to get the OM out of the picture; how it happens is irrelevant. Once he's gone, she has to look at reality. And without him to go to to get her 'fix' he should stop consuming all her thoughts. With that comes clarity, usually. Most likely, she'll end up hating him for using her.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You know, when your wife says outrageously ridiculous statements designed to wound you, you do not have to believe it or react to them.

She is really good at buffaloing you.

Step back and reflect on the absurdities she says to you. They are not all true.

BTW, maybe the jerk she cheated with was tired of her, got what he wanted and split.

just because she was not done with him is kind of irrelevant. What? She thought they had something special?


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## jdj (Jul 12, 2010)

turnera said:


> Only if she never comes out of the fog. The reason for exposure is to get the OM out of the picture; how it happens is irrelevant. Once he's gone, she has to look at reality. And without him to go to to get her 'fix' he should stop consuming all her thoughts. With that comes clarity, usually. Most likely, she'll end up hating him for using her.


Thank you Turnera!!! I hope to heck this really happens!! I needed to hear the first part about how it happens is irrelevant. Surely she'll see it that way one day too. 

[What? She thought they had something special?]

Yes! she did! I told her and him both that i could go online and say what i want to make some woman fall in love with me too! They think theres some special bond because he says what she wants to hear, only good stuff, not bad.

Although, speaking of that, to avoid confusion I have left out one important detail. The reason they started talking in the first place is because they both developed health issue's that threatened both their lives at some point. My wife told me I didn't support her enough through hers and I don't disagree, part of why she turned to him. That fact just made them seem like soul mates to each other i guess..


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## jdj (Jul 12, 2010)

She is fine now with medication by the way...not what some might be thinking. Just uncertain for a while but life altering none the less. Changed her...


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## jdj (Jul 12, 2010)

Now I see she's lookin for jobs in other towns...guess she's thinkin of leavin too? Hopefully that's still from the anger and it'll subside


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## Wolf359 (Jun 10, 2010)

turnera said:


> If you have time, get the book Surviving an Affair. It will explain what you're going through, all the 'script' phrases she will use on you to control you, and what to look out for. You really need it right now. If you can't get to a bookstore, go online to marriagebuilders.com and read the material there on affairs.


I agree with Turnera, "GET THE BOOK" it will help you more then you think. I have been reading it also to help my family. It answered every thing 1,2,3,4,5... They all seem to act the same, over and over again. It just takes 1 to 2 years in a bad case. Its just time, get some hobbies. Have fun, love her, even if she spits in your face. In the end, you will know that you tried. It’s just a small piece of your life in the end.:iagree:


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## jdj (Jul 12, 2010)

So i just got my keylogger report emailed to me. Seems she has plans on leaving me. Asked him if he meant it when he said he wantedto marry her some day. Said her husband is f ***** and shes gonna find a good man (I guess hes stayin wiTh his wife)

I'm hurting bad right now. i know all the things people have said on here but holy man does this hurt. To see my wife, the woman I've loved for all these years talk that way to another man...and to think when i get home shes leaving. I'm totally lost and in agony. She seems pretty determined.... She even told him our daughter caught her looking at rental properties and was crying of course...how can she do this? I know, i know the fog but really? Now my 10 year old daughter knows her mom wants to leave? Where is my wife?

I hate this ****. I cant take it anymore. Shes slowly killing me....


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## OH-WHY-O? (Jul 30, 2010)

jdj - our stories are very similar, only flipped. Married 17 years, 3 kids. H has been having an affair with a woman at work. I found out in June and the last 2 months have been nothing but emotional roller coaster from h***. You and I are in just about the same place now. I have been trying to save this marriage alone, while he's out justifying, rationalizing and trying to play the victim. I finally completely blew up at him last Friday - all the anger and rage and pain and betrayal came out. It was ugly and hateful and awful. I apologized but I haven't spoken to him since - just some texts about the kids. My youngest came home last night telling me that daddy is looking for a new house. I miss him terribly. I still want our marriage. 

I don't know if he'll ever get out of the fog. He tells me nothing. I just got Surviving an Affair. I hope it will help me understand what he's thinking and what I should do next. However, my hope is running low. I'm afraid things have just gone too far to ever salvage any kind of relationship.

Hang in there, jdj. I'm told it gets better. Focus on you and your daughter. She needs you more than ever. My kids are the only thing that keep me going sometimes. Keep posting - there are lots of people here to help.


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## jdj (Jul 12, 2010)

Thank you O-W-O


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## jdj (Jul 12, 2010)

Sigh*****

After reading their correspondance in detail, I'm not convinced they're done. I can't read both sides of the conversation but I feel like he would like it to be done. She really bullies him around though. He's weak.

I won't know for sure until later today or tonight. I am calling his wife tonight for sure. My wife told him she's made arrangements to move out anyway. 

Is it wrong to confront her on the hurtful things she said to him about me? I'm so hurt by them and want to say something but I wonder if she really means the things she says right now. Seems like I lose focus and say the wrong things so I want to ask people first this time before i say anything.

The kids will be a huge issue. She will fight that. Do you tell the kids the truth? I don't want them to hate me. And they should be able to stay home if they want.

But if the affair is really over, still same stance on kids? I guess so because really she would be moving out because she's in the affair fog anyway.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

YOU stay at home and the KIDS stay at home. 

If SHE doesn't want to live with you, that's her problem. The kids stay with you until the court tells you otherwise.

Remember, the WS will bluster, bluff, scream, threaten, even move out. But if you remain calm, patient, strong, and convicted to your morals, whatever turns out, YOU have done the right thing.

I'm from the marriagebuilders.com world, so I DO believe in telling the kids the truth in an age-appropriate way. If you don't, you are condoning her behavior and teaching them it's ok to cheat on your spouse. It could be as simple as 'Mommy thinks it's ok to have a boyfriend when you're married, and I don't; so she feels like she has to leave me.'

Don't waste your time talking to her! I'm repeating myself! Don't waste your time talking to her! Right now, she is DEEP in the fog and all she cares about is winning. If she comes out of the fog, realizes the mistake she's made, and is sorry, she will be ashamed of herself for what she is saying about you. Be the bigger man, realize she is like a mental patient or a drug addict right now, keep silent, repeat what you need from a wife (no cheating, transparency), and tell her whenever she's ready to come back home - on those terms, you and the kids will welcome her back.

Consider it tough love. Is it possible she moves out and never comes back? Of course. But if you read Surviving An Affair, it will guide you through the best possible actions to try to preserve your marriage.

I've seen people separated for 2 years after exposure, and the wayward finally 'gets it' and comes home. What's most important for you right now is to be a good role model for the kids, let them know you will never abandon them, and show her there's a way home after her anger subsides. Do NOT give ultimatums - only state what YOU can accept in a marriage - two people, not three, honesty, transparency. As soon as she agrees to that, you'll welcome her back. Just keep repeating that you're trying to save your marriage; she won't hear it right now because she's mad at you 'controlling' her, but it's there, in the back of her mind.

Remember, nothing she says right now is the truth. It's the drug addict's spittle for trying to save her access to her drug.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

turnera said:


> Remember, nothing she says right now is the truth. It's the drug addict's spittle for trying to save her access to her drug.


Word...

:iagree:


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## jdj (Jul 12, 2010)

OK Turnera understood. I'm sure you get frustrated and tired of repeating yourself but I really do appreciate the help.

Problem is, in my peticular situation, my job is such that I can get a call in the morning and have to leave home for a couple of days, or longer. It's very unpredictable. My son is 16 but I don't know if making him pick up that slack and watch his sister is very fair, even though it's his moms choice. 

I think i see this one coming...get a different job, right?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you tell your son what's going on, I'm sure he will step up to the plate.

You also might point out to him that the best way to get his mom to come to her senses is if you guys present a unified front to her to let her know that you want her home, just not with another guy.


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## loveisforever (Jun 21, 2012)

Hi Jdj,

It seems like you are heading for the divorce. It is actually good for you.

You are not behaving like a man. Your wife is not respecting you as a man. Yet, you are crying to save the marriage.

The marriage is gone many years ago. You are just fooled by your wife for financial and security gain. 

Wake up. Be a man. Prepare for the divorce. 

Unless your wife turns around and cry for your love, your love is nothing worthy in her eyes.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

loveisforever, be sure to read the last posting date on threads; this one is two years old.


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