# I don't know how to handle it.



## SomeoneWho (Feb 21, 2012)

So I am not looking for advice, maybe input but maybe not even that just for my own sanity right now I need somewhere to put this.

I've been married for four years to my wife and we have been together for five. We have two children together a boy and a girl aged four and two respectively. Now in my childhood I had many issues that still remain unaddressed but nutshell story my mother was married to someone who was abusive to me as a child. He then went to jail my mother divorced him and they went separate ways. About three years ago she for some god forsaken reason married this man again. This is when my issues started.

Let me start by saying I love my wife to death I would do anything for her and I really don't doubt that maybe she would for me to. Three years ago I was in the Army I was taking the chosen career path I wanted, I had a wife and a son we were living it very wonderfully. Then when my mother re-married. I started to feel that my wife wasn't caring about me didn't really love me anymore, that she was only there because she thought she had to be. I took this out by saying many things to old female partners and friends that I should not have been saying I even went as far as putting an advertisement on Craigslist to look for a female partner. I never ever ever had the intention of doing anything with these women, and I never ever have. I did it because I wanted attention that I felt like she wasn't giving me. That was my main problem - My Army run was complete and we moved back home bought a house together and we were having a second child. I was ecstatic got a great job for someone my age and make excellent money. Unfortunately, deep down I still felt my wife didn't care about me. I did the same thing as before again. I *never* had any intention of sleeping with these women or even meeting these women - even the ones whom I knew and would say these things too. I never wanted to see them I did it because they gave me the attention back. If I tried to talk to my wife like that she never would want to. I felt like she didn't care or want me and didn't find me attractive.

My wife knew about each time I did these things she was hurt told me she felt I cheated on her and told me the way someone would feel about this if it happened to them. I fought like hell to get her to stay and she did. We finally started to go to marriage counseling and I thought things were getting excellent. I unfortunately had to start traveling for work, we did about four sessions of the counseling and then my work had me start traveling. I know four session isn't a lot and for me to say that I thought things were getting excellent I'm referring to the fact that there was a noticeable change in the house and even the slightest one I consider excellent. I then had to travel for work for two months and while I was away it gave me a lot of time to think about our marriage. I didn't want to keep hurting her, so when I got back I had started to talk about divorce to her - she was devastated - I was confused. I thought about it even more and realized I did not want this and took that option off the table. Things were looking up from what it seemed. After I was home for about three weeks I had to travel again for work for another month and a half. I was away things seemed great between us while I was away we talked on the phone and everything. Then I came home and it seemed all good. I came home for the week of Thanksgiving and had to travel back for another week after. It was tough but we did it. I came home after that for the month of December and we celebrated Christmas together it seemed great still.

I went on my last trip for work for one month (last month) and while I was there things seemed to go downhill slowly but I wasn't sure what it was. I just kind of said to myself well maybe shes just a little sick of the traveling and aggravated with it. I was completely wrong, I came back from the trip and she now wants a divorce. She tells me she still loves me she still cares about me, shes concerned about me. I have a hard time hearing these things because meanwhile she is running to a lawyer to get divorce advice on how everything should be done.

I have been loosing my mind over this because I can't sleep, don't eat, I have been drinking alcohol more - I was in an alcohol related accident on Saturday morning and may have totaled my car, I have thought about and very closely attempted to kill myself multiple times. I travel for work and I haven't even been able to go to work anymore because I feel ashamed of myself for failing my marriage. I feel like everything I've built over the last 

She tells me that there is no chance at all at saving this so what do I do? I feel like if I stop trying then I have completely failed as a father and a husband (I know I really have not failed my children but at the moment and time, it sh*t and sure feels like that).

I really just need to get input on how you deal with it when I feel like I can't give up if I do then I've failed. How do you deal with that?


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