# Travel to dying grandmother?



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I'm posting this in General because I'm not sure where else it would go, but I want to get your opinions. I've always been close to my grandparents. One of my grandmothers is 92 and last week had a stroke. She was in the hospital and was in really bad shape. She couldn't pass the "swallow test" and she was unconscious, so they decided to stop feeding her. That was 8 days ago. 

At that point I was ready to buy a ticket to go home and see her. But my dad called and said there was nothing I could do so I should just wait for the funeral. As a side note, a ticket is about $900 (last minute) and I can only go once. So anyway, I've been waiting to but a ticket. In the meantime, they removed the IV giving her hydration on Friday so she's been without food for 8 days and without water for 4 days.

My grandmother has had Alzheimer's for a few years now. The recent stroke left her partially paralyzed and (seemingly) unable to talk. But this morning my mother called. She is, as we speak, sitting up in her hospital bed. She's conscious, she's eating some ice chips, she passed a swallow test and she told my uncle she loved him. They're even talking about possibly moving her to a nursing home.

I totally don't know what to do at this point. Do I fly home now? She could still die tomorrow. Or she could live another 6 months....I really don't know. My dad originally wanted me to go home to the funeral to help support the family (my dad is the oldest of 10 kids....he's 70).

Please help me think this through.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

If she is sitting up, eating and drinking, her body has paused in the dying process. This is not to preclude another event which would begin the process again, though. I would hold off buying a ticket. The alzhiemers complicates things because even if you did get there to have some time before she passed, she has already left the building.

I feel you pain WOM, got a Mom with advanced dementia. The dying process can take a LONG time even at the end stage. Bottom line, what would she want you to do if she was cognizant enough to voice her thoughts?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

That's tough. We went through this twice last year with my husbands parents. He made it home for his mom, left and she died a few days later. We went back for the funeral. His dad had to have surgery and there was no way we'd make it in time so we waited. He seemed to pull through fine but took a turn for the worse and was gone in a few hours. We left the next day for the funeral.

I should mention with his mom we had several trips over the years where we thought she wasn't going to make it but she did.

I got lucky with the grand mother I was close to. She went into the hospital and I was able to speak to her before she passed away later that same day. My other 3 grandparents I wasn't there because I wasn't close to them. I was just there for the funerals.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I heard a lecture given by a hospice care nurse in which she discussed the process of dying. Among other things, she said the vast majority of elderly people, even those with alzhiemers, will wait until they are alone to die. She suggested, in her opinion, the elderly have been parents for so long they cannot let to when their children are in the room, it is just anathema to parenting to bring pain to your children. She said even children who are dying will wait until their parent has stepped out of the room and let go then. She said it was her belief that those who are dying, can't let go when their loved ones are in the room.

Take care WOM


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Interesting. We have a big family and she hasn't been alone at all since her stroke.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I am not sure there is a right answer.

To go and see one more time is compelling. But to support your family at the time of the funeral is as well.

Were it me, I would follow the advice given by your father.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> If she is sitting up, eating and drinking, her body has paused in the dying process. This is not to preclude another event which would begin the process again, though. I would hold off buying a ticket. The alzhiemers complicates things because even if you did get there to have some time before she passed, she has already left the building.
> 
> I feel you pain WOM, got a Mom with advanced dementia. The dying process can take a LONG time even at the end stage. Bottom line, what would she want you to do if she was cognizant enough to voice her thoughts?


I am not sure that her eating and sitting up mean anything. That happened to my grandfather, who died about 36 hours later (after my father left thinking everything was fine).

It is a difficult decision to make, compounded by the Alzheimer's. For my grandmother, I made the decision to go before she passed. She was not conscious, but I did make it to talk to her and hold her hand. She passed about two hours later. That meant more to me (and my mother) then being at the funeral (which I could not attend). I don't regret the choice I made.

I wish you luck in working through this.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I would want to see her alive if that were possible. That would obviously mean the most. But I am not a big believer in attending funerals.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Sorry to hear this. 

I went through something similar with my grandfather. The Alzheimer's was so far along he no longer recognized me so I waited for funeral.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Tall Average Guy said:


> I am not sure that her eating and sitting up mean anything. That happened to my grandfather, who died about 36 hours later (after my father left thinking everything was fine).
> 
> It is a difficult decision to make, compounded by the Alzheimer's. For my grandmother, I made the decision to go before she passed. She was not conscious, but I did make it to talk to her and hold her hand. She passed about two hours later. That meant more to me (and my mother) then being at the funeral (which I could not attend). I don't regret the choice I made.
> 
> I wish you luck in working through this.


Then it was a secondary event that took your grandfather. As the body shuts down, no longer desiring hydration and nutrition are the first solid signs that death is imminent. Once that happens, the kidneys shut down, followed by the liver and finally the heart. This can take 14 days or more, unless there is a secondary event such as heart attack or stroke.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> Then it was a secondary event that took your grandfather. As the body shuts down, no longer desiring hydration and nutrition are the first solid signs that death is imminent. Once that happens, the kidneys shut down, followed by the liver and finally the heart. This can take 14 days or more, unless there is a secondary event such as heart attack or stroke.


Perhaps. My understanding is that many dying patients have one last burst of energy, if you will, where they sit up, take a small amount of food and drink (actually not much, but those relatives observing think it looks like a good sign), talk with loved ones and otherwise look like they are on the upswing. So my concern is that what has been reported as eating and drinking are in fact mere nibbles that are part of this process.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My FIL lost interest in eating a year before he passed away. He was depressed and spent most of his days sleeping. He lost a lot of weight eating just enough I guess to sustain him.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Last burst of energy yes, but once the organs are shutting down, food and drink actually causes pain since digestion has stopped.


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## Sennik (Feb 15, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> Last burst of energy yes, but once the organs are shutting down, food and drink actually causes pain since digestion has stopped.


Yes, but that doesn't mean they won't ask for it. People in the midst of a true surge near death can surprise you, even if you have seen it before.

My father passed last year due to organ failure from pancreatic cancer. His last two weeks he was barely coherent, couldn't stand, wouldn't eat, was just taking ice chips and pain meds. Hospice had prepared us for a potential surge near the end. One day it came with a vengeance. His color came back, he seemed to be his old self. Wanted to go out shopping and to some museums, and above all wanted a greaseburger and milkshake with his only grandkids. He got to do all the above and I had some very good conversations with him about issues he wanted to square before passing.

48 hours later he was back to being in an almost vegetative state.

72 hours later I had the terrible privilege of being with him when he took his last breath.

My MIL had a similar death trajectory with a weaker surge near the end.

I can't give you the advice whether to go or not, I understand the dilemma. I had to make the same choice when my grandmother was close and I elected to go to support the family afterwards. My family never held it against me and understood.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

That surge, if it happens... What a gift!


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

I had not heard it call a "surge" before but it does seem a good description. My Grandmother had one after 2 weeks unconscious following a stroke. That was the only evening that my father and both his sister were there at the same time as they had been taking it in turns to stay with her. 

My grandmother spoke clearly to them all, remembering things that happened years before and fell asleep with a smile on her face. She died in the night but I know my father was grateful for that last conversation. 

I was deployed at the time so could not get back to see her or for the cremation. That was hard but family understood and when I did get home we went to the garden of remembrance so that I could say my goodbyes.

OP, If you cannot make two trips then I would advice that you follow your father’s wishes.

N.B. For me I found that prayer provides comfort whatever the distance.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> Then it was a secondary event that took your grandfather. As the body shuts down, no longer desiring hydration and nutrition are the first solid signs that death is imminent. Once that happens, the kidneys shut down, followed by the liver and finally the heart. This can take 14 days or more, unless there is a secondary event such as heart attack or stroke.



This is correct.


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