# Is it wrong to look up your ex emotional affair person?



## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

My husband had EA withan old school mate about a year and a half ago.
When I first found out about it, he was very reluctant to give her up but when we got back together he deleted everything from her including all her contact details.
She contacted him about 6 months after we had got back together via email (she wanted to know if his contact details were still the same) and he emailed her back saying if she was still with her fiancé then not to hurt and not to contact him again as he is trying to move on and be happy with what you have.
My husband told me he doesn't think of her anymore and it makes him sick if I talk about what happened.
So, last week when I was on our computer checking FB, I was typing in the web address and her name came up in the address bar (he had been searching for her via google, FB & a few different search engines) I felt my heart sink... I confronted him straight away, which was hard cause we were already having issues. At first he looked confussed and asked why was I searching her? then he denied it was him looking her up, then later admitted to searching for her and said it was no big deal that he does it all the time. When I asked him why, he said he didn't know and that he was just curious... I asked him if he would search for her infount of me he answered, probably if we were both seeing if she was writing anything about us, but in another conversation he admitted it was wrong to look her up and he is aware that it has broken my trust even further.
I don't know what to think anymore, for so long he has tried to convince me that Im not his second choise and that he only wants and loves me, but if so why would he be looking her up, not just on FB but on google and other social networks?
He said in his defense, 'if I really wanted to get in contact with her I could go through my old emails from work and get back her email & mobile number. I don't want to do that"
So, what are your thoughts? Has anyone gone through something similar or know anyone who has?
I'd like to hear all advice/opinions, good and bad?
(if you want further history & information, I have written 2 other posts. 1 in General Discussions and 1 in coping with fidelity.
Thanks
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

It is not good for him to look for her. I think there is more to his side of the story you are not aware of it fully.

You made a mistake of confronting him straightaway. Because you knew he already had contact with her etc.

He initially lied to you after confronted. There is more, so dig it up.

Others will chime in about the ways to do digging.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Completely wrong to contact the OW. Your husband is still in the "fog" of his EA and is still obsessing about his EA partner. It's like a mental disease. Do NOT rug sweep this. He has to deal with this by going 100% NC (including googling her name and checking her fb) and you have to be satisfied by his efforts. You need to work out the broken trust issues going forward too. He has to be on board for this - if he's not, ask him to leave.

There is NO defense and his excuses are a weak attempt to rug sweep.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

IF he wanted to contact her, he could. He is NOT looking her up to figure out how to contact her.

He is looking her up because he still cares about her and wonders how she is doing. He is curious if she ever got married, had a baby, etc.

It is not good for him to look her up. It means that he still is thinking about her.

In my opinion, it is natural to be curious about what happened to those we were close to when we were younger. I guess that's why there are websites like reunion or classmates. It is even natural to look up old girlfriends. If all is above board, one wouldn't care if their spouse knew they were doing this, they might even tell their spouse any interesting thing that happened to one of these old friends or girlfriends. It would not be natural to do this repetitively or to hide it.

Maybe it is even natural to want to look up old affair partners, but unlike old boy/girlfriends, one would know that looking up old affair partners would be extremely painful for the betrayed spouse to find out about.

So just like he has to exercise some self control to not contact her, he also has to do the same regarding looking her up on the Internet. In my opinion, looking her up is probably an emotional experience for him, emotion he is devoting to her (pining?) and not to you. Plus, why would he want to do it if he wants you to heal from it?


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Yes it's wrong. The closure to her is blurry. 

"...He was very reluctant to give her up but when we got back together he deleted everything from her including all her contact details." 
Red flag: Felt forced or obligated to do this. Not done with her yet.

"She contacted him about 6 months after we had got back together via email (she wanted to know if his contact details were still the same). 
Red flag: Why? 

"...he emailed her back saying if she was still with her fiancé."
Why is that his business now, he is with his wife.

"then not to hurt and not to contact him again as he is trying to move on and be happy with what you have."
Red flag: He's telling her he is hurt and devastated by her absence. 

"My husband told me he doesn't think of her anymore and it makes him sick if I talk about what happened."
Red flag: Sounds like he is a bit heartbroken.


I agree with CM that your hubby is still in the fog. He needs to get some counseling so he can get this out of his system. He needs to write a NC letter with you to this woman. His choice of words will be telling. If it isn't concise with much reference to you and your marriage, don't send it. Look up the examples on the newbie thread by AlmostRecovered as to what it should look like. Let him know the contents of the thread too. He needs help him clear the fog. He is sitting on the fence.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> Is it wrong to look up your ex emotional affair person?


*
Yes. Very wrong. He has no excuse to do this.*


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Without being richly referred to as a *"cake-eater," *yes, it is beyond totally wrong for him to do that! You deserve far better!


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

I'm not at all trying to be rude...but _really_? Did you really ask if that was wrong? Did he really just indicate to you 'the ways he could look her up' if he 'wanted to' ...and did google her? 

Watch your back honey...I smell a rat...


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## NotDoneYet (Oct 6, 2012)

Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong. He knows looking her up makes you uncomfortable, and he kept it a secret from you. Ask him this: Why do you value Googling her name more than the structural integrity of our marriage?

Put a key logger on the computer, I guarantee he's done more than just look her up.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

He's lying. He's cheating on you still coz you found out by accident that he's still thinking about her because he took time out from you to spend time on the net to search for her. 

No trust here. He needs to do some heavy lifting to win you back. He's too sure of you and you need to make him not so sure. He should be cherishing you in the present, not her from the past. He's bringing the past into the present and its causing you grief and heartache.

He needs to step up to the mark or he will lose you. No relationship can be really happy with deceit and lies..


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

still.hurting said:


> She contacted him about 6 months after we had got back together via email (she wanted to know if his contact details were still the same) and he emailed her back saying *if she was still with her fiancé *then not to hurt and not to contact him again as he is trying to move on and be happy with what you have.
> 
> My husband told me *he doesn't think of her anymore*.
> 
> then he denied it was him looking her up, then later admitted to searching for her and said it was no big deal that *he does it all the time.* When I asked him why, he said he didn't know and that he was just curious... I_Posted via Mobile Device_


So, if she wasn't still with her fiance, then he would have considered starting up with her again?

He doesn't think of her anymore, but he googles her all the time?


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

Um:wtf: 

*Of course this is wrong*. He is fishing....

What the H-E-L-L is he doing holding on to old emails from his affair partner? He needs to delete/shred them in front of you immediately. 


Him saying he can get in touch with her if he wants just proves he is unrepentant. 


His attitude is he can/will cheat on you again if/when he chooses

Sounds like a real A-hole!


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

Yep he's fishing... That's why I'm so cut again; I know it would easy for him to get back incontact with her cause her email address is on his works email (he has deleted all corospondance from her, it's work policy to store all emails on there server) I think he was looking to see if she still was with her fiancé and if she wasn't I do believe that he would consider 'really' getting in contact with her.
Besides from going to mc tomorrow and discussing things there, how do I prevent this from being 'swept under the rug'. We had a talk about it, he couldn't tell me why he searched for her, accept for just plain curiousity. It seems like everytime I bring it up it's a 'bad time' and Im having trouble thinking of the right questions to ask him...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

still.hurting said:


> Yep he's fishing... That's why I'm so cut again; I know it would easy for him to get back incontact with her cause her email address is on his works email (he has deleted all corospondance from her, it's work policy to store all emails on there server) I think he was looking to see if she still was with her fiancé and if she wasn't I do believe that he would consider 'really' getting in contact with her.
> Besides from going to mc tomorrow and discussing things there, how do I prevent this from being 'swept under the rug'. We had a talk about it, he couldn't tell me why he searched for her, accept for just plain curiousity. It seems like everytime I bring it up *it's a 'bad time' *and Im having trouble thinking of the right questions to ask him...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yea he's rug sweeping...

Maybe you should be done with the 'why's' and just accept the fact he's doing it...done it...and go ahead and bring it up in MC...but with that...ask him to leave the house. Separate. I know that must be scary and the last thing you want...but...he's apparently up to his old tricks again...is this how you want to live? What he did is NOT ok... There should be cosequences...so why don't 'you' take the action...pack a bag for him...maybe he'll 'talk' then? Maybe he start doing some heavy lifting...?? I don't know...He's a jakazz for putting you through this yet again...'you' make some choices... 'you' can keep this from being rug swept...although drastic...but perhaps it's what is needed to break his infedility/EA cycle...


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you asked him what he thought this would do to a marriage that was hanging on by a thread? Ask him if he cares. Then tell him to leave you alone for a few days as you havesome thinking to do.

I would sit him down to the computer and tell him to open his work emails. I think his reactionwould give you a lot of answers.

Do you have all his passwords/phone/text accts etc.?


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Yanno...I guess it's a matter of what your willing to put up with... 

What is it you would like him to do? What would you like done?


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

chapparal said:


> Have you asked him what he thought this would do to a marriage that was hanging on by a thread? Ask him if he cares. Then tell him to leave you alone for a few days as you havesome thinking to do.
> 
> I would sit him down to the computer and tell him to open his work emails. I think his reactionwould give you a lot of answers.
> 
> *Do you have all his passwords/phone/text accts etc.*?


Having him give up all this info ASAP for complete transparency is a great start...this or the door...'for me'...at the point your at... "I" couldn't live any other way.


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

chapparal said:


> Have you asked him what he thought this would do to a marriage that was hanging on by a thread? Ask him if he cares. Then tell him to leave you alone for a few days as you havesome thinking to do.
> 
> I would sit him down to the computer and tell him to open his work emails. I think his reactionwould give you a lot of answers.
> 
> Do you have all his passwords/phone/text accts etc.?


When we had our talk on Thursday just gone, he said he could understand why I'm upset and how it is a massive set back with trust in our relationship, but at the time of him looking he didn't think and was only doing it out of curiosity. He understands now, that even being curious is bad and he wants to go to mc with me...
I know all his passwords for phone, fb and email, ect, but we can't acsess his work emails from home or the work intranet- something like that, I'm not sure? I have to take his word on that one...

He's being so nice and loving now, it's so confusing...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

Stella Moon said:


> Yanno...I guess it's a matter of what your willing to put up with...
> 
> What is it you would like him to do? What would you like done?


What I want is security in our relationship, knowing that he isn't still looking, wanting or even thinking of someone else. To know that I am his number 1 choise and for him to want to make our relationship right and to not do things that is going to damage our relationship further, if he doesn't want the same I'd like him to have the decency to step up and say it, then at least were both not waisting eachothers time/lives...
Problem is, he says he wants what I want and it would kill him if he looses me but then he looks up his ex EA girl which leaves me very confused...?!?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

And see, a lot of the time he does act/demonstrate that he does want to be with me, eg; he makes us dinner the majority of the time and the other night was something extra special, I was telling him how beautiful, perfect & delicious it was and he said in the most loving and sincerest way "it's just thing I like to do to show you how much I love you, I know it doesn't always turn out this good, I'm so glad you love it" he said this before I had found out about him looking up the ow, but everyday without fail he will do and say the sweetest things to me, I just don't get it...?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

Opps; "just ANOTHER thing I like to do to show you how much I love you"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

A few observations:

1. These cheaters are good liars. Example:

_A. "I don't think about her anymore."
B. "I google her all the time."​_
2. You can love your children, your family members, your friends, and do loving things for them, for example, make them their favorite dinner and be very happy they like the dinner you made for them and that is not a lie. It's not necessarily romantic love, though it may be.

3. On a positive note, if he was googling her so much, he probably was not actually communicating with her.

Your husband is a mess. He drinks too much. He seems very confused about who he is and what he wants. He flip-flops and contradicts himself so much that you can never tell what is true.

Keep going to marriage counseling and see what happens.

How is your sex life?

What do you and your husband enjoy doing together for fun?

What does he enjoy doing with his friends?

Do you have any close friends who you go out with or talk to?


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> A few observations:
> 
> 1. These cheaters are good liars. Example:
> 
> ...



Hey Will, what you have said about my husband being a mess and contradicts himself, is what I struggle with and will be taking these points into mc tonight, so thanks...

We have a very healthy sex life, I know he is very satisfied, sometimes its hard for me as I have a lot of insecurities now, from the affair...

We spend a lot of time with each other and good quality time with the kids; we like to relax in our spa while listening to music and chatting, going out to our friends houses for weekend bbq's, he also plays the drums and has a few friends that like to come over or he goes to their's to jam, we enjoy going to the beach, going for drives, bushwalks, kids parks, etc... I suppose we are always doing something every weekend, we dont have time to be bored thats for sure, but when we are relaxing its in the outdoor spa with music (sometimes I drink, but yes he always drinks...) Its hard to have time to talk outside counseling cause we have agreed to never talk about negative stuff in the spa or around the kids or when he has had a few drinks, so basically if I dont book in a time at home or with the mc, its never...! Our last mc suggested that we dont talk to our friends about our relationship, so I dont really talk to anyone about us except on here or at counseling, BUT, yesterday while we were at our friends house my friend was talking to me in private and I just cried and ended up telling her a little bit of what was going on (with him looking up the ex affair girl and wanting to see his disrespectful mate)


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

Never got to talk about my husband looking up his ex affair girl with the counselor... The topic of him going to visit his friend and the arguments and lack of 'direct' comunication dominated the session. Counselor said even though my h knew that I was upset that he was going away to see his disrespectful friend, I needed to tell him why I felt that way cause nobody is a mind reader... Tbh, I was so p.$$.. off, I can't believe how it got turned around to me not communicating directly and not discussing why he still wanted to when clearly he knew it was causing major problems? Anyway, my H did a lot of talking about how he thought that I was just p.$$.. off cause he was going away period and made himself look good when he said as soon as I understood the real reasons I cancelled. He is very good at debating, he can make anyone look like an idiot...
Our 'homework' for the week is to really check in with each other and have a feelings talk for at least 30mins a day, without bringing up the dredded past (this is going to be hard cause all I want to know is why did he look up his ex affair girl and really how often did he do this and WHY?) 
The counselor said because it was her first time meeting with my H she didn't want to talk about something too heavy and for him to be feeling attacked, she wanted him to feel comfortable and open up with light talk first... So looks like I will just have to bite my tounge and wait till next weeks session to get my answers, hopefully...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

still.hurting said:


> Never got to talk about my husband looking up his ex affair girl with the counselor... The topic of him going to visit his friend and the arguments and lack of 'direct' comunication dominated the session. Counselor said even though my h knew that I was upset that he was going away to see his disrespectful friend, I needed to tell him why I felt that way cause nobody is a mind reader... Tbh, I was so p.$$.. off, I can't believe how it got turned around to me not communicating directly and not discussing why he still wanted to when clearly he knew it was causing major problems? *Anyway, my H did a lot of talking about how he thought that I was just p.$$.. off cause he was going away period and made himself look good when he said as soon as I understood the real reasons I cancelled. He is very good at debating, he can make anyone look like an idiot...*
> Our 'homework' for the week is to really check in with each other and have a feelings talk for at least 30mins a day, without bringing up the dredded past (this is going to be hard cause all I want to know is why did he look up his ex affair girl and really how often did he do this and WHY?)
> The counselor said because it was her first time meeting with my H she didn't want to talk about something too heavy and for him to be feeling attacked, she wanted him to feel comfortable and open up with light talk first... So looks like I will just have to bite my tounge and wait till next weeks session to get my answers, hopefully...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's a dealbreaker for me. Despite all of your other posts of how wonderful he's been, to me he looks like he is just doing the easy things to get you to stay in the marriage. Making dinner? Saying "sincerely" that he enjoys doing it for you? REALLY? None of that requires too great a commitment from him. Then you get to counseling and he throws you under the bus and fights you every step of the way. Buh-Bye.

Also, I don't believe anything the cheaters say unless it's backed up by actions or verifiable proof. So the statement that you can't access his work email from home sounds like a lot of baloney to me. How to prove it? I don't know, but he's worked very hard to EARN your distrust, so give it to him.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Everything that goes on in your relationship right now should be to strengthen you.

If your husband isn't bright enough to figure this stuff out, maybe he doesn't deserve to be married.


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> Everything that goes on in your relationship right now should be to strengthen you.
> 
> If your husband isn't bright enough to figure this stuff out, maybe he doesn't deserve to be married.


Hey Will, had very similar advice from a close friend that came to visit today...

Feeling so lost right now...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Just thinking out loud here, but what do you think might happen if you let this woman know how much your husband thinks about her?


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> Just thinking out loud here, but what do you think might happen if you let this woman know how much your husband thinks about her?


If I did that I'm 100% sure she would contact him and they would probably pick up where they left off...!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

I agree. Nearly ALL employers give remote access to email this day and age. I'd verify that thru his employer. Have gim call IT while you sit there and ask.....Id bet the farm that that is NOT true. Put a VAR in the car. I will bet you'll nab him w/i 24 hrs. 

And another thing- how long since dday that he is still obsessing about her? And yes, googling her is obsessing. My H had an EA- I wuld consider googling OW a serious issue. I would feel that he was still pining for her and just may grant his wish. I have no desire to be plan B, do you?


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> I agree. Nearly ALL employers give remote access to email this day and age. I'd verify that thru his employer. Have gim call IT while you sit there and ask.....Id bet the farm that that is NOT true. Put a VAR in the car. I will bet you'll nab him w/i 24 hrs.
> 
> And another thing- how long since dday that he is still obsessing about her? And yes, googling her is obsessing. My H had an EA- I wuld consider googling OW a serious issue. I would feel that he was still pining for her and just may grant his wish. I have no desire to be plan B, do you?


Exactly, I feel like I'm plan b, regardless if he has got back in contact with her, he IS still pinning for her, obviously I'm not his number 1 choice!

Now I have to 'be the bad guy' (that's how he will see it) and break up our family...!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

still.hurting said:


> Exactly, I feel like I'm plan b, regardless if he has got back in contact with her, he IS still pinning for her, obviously I'm not his number 1 choice!
> 
> Now I have to 'be the bad guy' (that's how he will see it) and break up our family...!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No. That is how he will tell YOU he sees it. He knows better. he knows he is still pining for her. Still googling her. Still obsessing about her. He broke up your family when he chose to start and Affair- you granted him the opportunity to R- he blew it. THIS would be a very very serious issue in my house. If my H, in ANY way appears to be pining for her at this point- game over.

2 things- did you tell us how long since dday?(sorry if you have)

And are you willing to force him to call IT on the spot and ask for remote access to his email account? I would bet the farm its available...


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> No. That is how he will tell YOU he sees it. He knows better. he knows he is still pining for her. Still googling her. Still obsessing about her. He broke up your family when he chose to start and Affair- you granted him the opportunity to R- he blew it. THIS would be a very very serious issue in my house. If my H, in ANY way appears to be pining for her at this point- game over.
> 
> 2 things- did you tell us how long since dday?(sorry if you have)
> 
> And are you willing to force him to call IT on the spot and ask for remote access to his email account? I would bet the farm its available...


D day was 23 July 2011, our babies were just 6 weeks old. He left the house on his on accord and didn't want to reconcile at all, he wanted her! But, no more than 2 weeks went by and he was aching for me "needed to see me, missing me, feeling like the worst person in the world" I am angry that I let him back so quickly, I think I did it because my selfesteem was so low.

As for checking work emails at home, there's no need for me to ask him anymore or IT, cause I'm over it, I need to be free from this mess and his crazy sick world, and I think the least I know about anything else now, it will help me be civil to him for our childrens sake.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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