# Long Story - He asked for a divorce - reasons don't make sense.



## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

So reluctantly, I’m here, looking for support and advice. I will try to sum up my story and not draw it out but I won’t to paint the picture so it’s understandable. My husband and I dated off and on for over 3 years. He is 40 and I am 33. We have no children and this is our first marriage. Got married in Mexico a year and a half ago. He came into the marriage with the house. I’ve been working two jobs throughout the marriage and he has worked a total of 4 months. I work with elderly Alzheimer’s and dementia patients which can be draining. Several months ago I decided that I wanted to go back to college to get my Bachelor’s Degree in order to make myself more marketable in the job field and to bring in more income. I discussed this with my husband and he was very supportive and said that I could quit my jobs and go back to school full-time. The day I was to start school he quit his job of 4 months but reassured me that no matter what we would make it through and he would do everything possible to ensure that my goals wouldn’t be interrupted because he quit his job. I was disappointed but trusted that we could work through him quitting his job. He is in the construction trade and has been able to pull in just enough income to cover his portion of the bills plus we have a person in the home that rents a bedroom. I had decided early on that I was still going to work and go to school so I kept my full-time job working with Alzheimer’s patients. 

So school started and I’ve been taking 4 classes and working at the same time. Towards November, I told my husband that I was going to be extra busy as the end of the semester neared and that I wasn’t going to be able to take part in my normal routine of cooking dinners most nights and cleaning every weekend unless I got a break in my school work. Plus, I was in charge on a holiday donation drive that ran through the month of December in the community. I was determined to get the four required classes completed so I could start my BA program this January. He seemed to understand. After quitting his job, he bought a fishing boat and started fishing with his friends 3 to 4 days a week. Again, I was silently disappointed because he promised to be supportive while I went back to school but was spending money carelessly when I was putting out money towards schooling. Since I’ve been in school he has not helped me out financially or mentally. I haven’t complained. I just saw that he was happy and content so I didn’t bother making a big deal out of his recent choices. 

So this background leads me up to why I’m here – I guess. On November, 15th, I was getting ready for work which I had to be at 6:00 a.m. He was preparing to leave for fishing with his friends at 6:30 a.m. We have a gate with a lock on it in front of our driveway. Each one of us has a key to this gate that we keep it on our key rings. I had my gate key in my work shirt pocket. All of a sudden, he comes storming into the house screaming at me because he went to warm my truck up for me and unlock the gate and my key wasn’t on my key ring. He took the situation way too far. Mind you, I do know how irritating it is to be on your way somewhere and you can’t leave because you can’t find a key to get out. It’s frustrating but I knew where my key was so it wasn’t a problem. He has his own, too. I didn’t have the time to argue with him and said that I didn’t know what the big deal was when the key was in my pocket and I could have unlocked the gate myself quickly. I went to work and later got a text from him saying that he was sorry for overreacting but he had plans to go fishing and that he loved me and to have a good day. I didn’t respond because I was hurt. I felt that I was the one going to work and he was going out to play. I didn’t deserve to be screamed at first thing in the morning. When I got home I was expecting an apology. He ignored me so I approached him later on and said that I didn’t deserve to be talked to the way he did and that I wasn’t willing to fight over such trivial things. He burst into anger. I told him that it wasn’t fair that he would belittle me when he is just as guilty of forgetting to lock the gate and replace his keys as everyone else in the house was. His anger towards me escalated to the point where I got scared and he ended up slamming the bedroom door in my face. I slept in the other room and have been still to this day. I just decided that I would wait for him to approach me with an apology but day after day went by and when I finally tried to approach him he brushed me off. Thanksgiving rolled around and I had to work. When I came home I saw that he had left me a note on the dry erase board saying he would be at his mother’s and that I was welcome to come over. I declined to go over for Thanksgiving because I didn’t want to feel uncomfortable. He is a momma’s boy and it doesn’t matter what he does she always reinforces his behavior and coddles him. She demeans me behind his back and I didn’t want to deal with it. 

About a week after Thanksgiving, I was on my way out the door to work and he approaches me and tells me he wants a divorce. I was shocked. He said that I know that he has ADD and OCD (mental disorders that he has taken upon himself to diagnose himself with) and that I do nothing to alleviate his anxiety. I make it worse. He said he makes simply requests such as replacing a key on a key ring and I ignore it and that he has had enough of me not being able to perform simple tasks and that he wanted his home and his life back. I thought he was bluffing and I didn’t have time to talk about divorce because I was already late for work. I said first of all this is our home and you aren’t just going to throw me out into the streets and second of all I have goals and plans that I have been working on as far as school goes and I can’t stop all that right now because you have decided you want a divorce. He said we already live in separate rooms and that he had decided a week prior that he wanted a divorce and he was just letting me know. He also said that he would not be giving me any money for anything and he was taking my vehicle off the insurance. Mind you, every dime I make goes to supporting the household. I spend none of it on myself except for toiletries and some school expenses that financial aid wouldn’t cover. I went to work in shock and disbelief. Even had to call my mother to borrow money so I could get gas to make it back and forth to work. She started with the questions because I never borrow money from anyone. 

I came home hoping he would be willing to talk and when I approached him he blew me off. Another week went by with no communication and, again, one morning while I was on my way out the door to work he said that obviously I wasn’t taking him seriously about the divorce. I said why you insist on talking to me when I have no time to talk. I can’t risk losing my job by being late. Can we arrange a time to actually speak and communicate like adults? And if you are serious about getting a divorce I am going to seek out a lawyer to inform me of my rights. When I got to work I sent him a text and said that I was willing to do whatever I had to do to uphold my marriage vows and that I didn’t believe that our marriage was worth throwing away over an argument over a gate key. I said if you are serious about the divorce than what is the hold up? He took that as threat and went down that day and obtained a dissolution packet. The next day, AGAIN, while on my way to work he said that he got the paperwork for the divorce. As, I gathered my work and school materials he began to get angry and said, “DO YOU HEAR ME!” I just ignored him and began to walk out the door. He said fine we will do this the hard way. I will fill out the paperwork and have you served. So I waited a few days even had a couple days off. He had many opportunities to speak to me. I even approached him nicely and offered him cookies my mom had made for him to begin conversation - somehow, some way. He blew me off and acted like I didn’t exist. 

Finally, a couple days ago he comes into my room while I was working on a research paper for school and says when are you going to be done with school? I said I have three classes left and one left to go. He said I am serious about this divorce and I took your insurance off your vehicle. I just remained calm and nice. I said ok. I understand. He then he proceeds to tell me that everyone thinks that it was ridiculous that he had asked me for a divorce and I was still living in the home and that he already told his family and friends he was divorcing me. I had even found a packet that his mother had given him with old divorce papers from her second marriage in 1988. Obviously, she gave them to him as some type of reference material. I said that I hadn’t even had time to make arrangements to go elsewhere because I was busy with school and work and that I had taken him seriously about the divorce and wasn’t dragging my feet but that I wanted him to approach me when he felt it he wanted to talk and when I wasn’t headed out the door for work. He then says that everyone he talks to says that when I told him I wanted to look into what my rights were that I was going to take his house away from him and then says, what do you want 240,000 worth of debt. I said me seeking a lawyer has nothing to do with my trying to take what you have. Anyone getting a divorce should seek out legal help and it would be foolish to sign divorce paperwork someone knew nothing about. He walked out of the room and I followed him while he stood in the kitchen. I said listen, I’m confused. I don’t understand what is going on and I’m just as frustrated as you are at this point. I said what is the reason you are going to ask for divorce? He said that he decided that because he can’t get passed the little things that I do such as not putting a key on a key ring that that meant he wasn’t unconditionally in love with me and if he wasn’t unconditionally in love with his wife than he didn’t want to be married. It hurt my feelings and I had nothing to say. Before I stepped outside I said I’ve put years of hard work into this relationship and I have a hard time turning my back on something that I believe can be turned around for the better. When I returned he said that people don’t understand how easy it is to file for divorce especially if one of the people defaults on it. He said that if I was to be served that I would have to pay the $500.00 filing fee which I know that isn’t true unless he claims that he can’t afford the filing fee and he waves it on to me. Because he works under the table he could do that but I believe he is afraid I would let the court system know he was lying and could afford it. Working under the table is illegal because he doesn’t get taxed but he still makes more money doing two short construction jobs a month compared to me working all month long. I think he slipped up when he said this but he said that when you fill out paperwork for a divorce you have to list your financial obligations. He said that if I saw that I might get ideas about what I could go after. He owns a home and some property. He and his three brothers also inherited some property from their grandfather that is worth 4.5 million when the market is right but they have been holding onto it for years because at this point it would only go for around $600,000. Here is the deal on that property though. He has never told me this but years ago his sister in law told me that the grandfather specifically stated that when the property sells the 3 boys were to split the profits and the wives of the boys were to get 10% of the profit as well. Whether I’m entitled to that or not I do not know but there is something keeping him from wanting to file now because he is afraid to fill out the financial part of the paperwork. He has made numerous purchases since we have been married including a boat, a trailer, lawn equipment, a huge flat screen T.V., etc. He claims that the only thing I’m entitled to his half of the boat which he didn’t want to sell but he would give me $2,000 for it when he got the money. He said the trailer and other purchases were made in Nevada and because Nevada is not a community property state that was all his. We live in California. He said we could stay out of court if we just made an agreement and signed and that he would have a paralegal work with us. I said that I was willing to sit down and make up an agreement but before I signed I would take it in for a second opinion. This did not make him happy. The conversation ended. I felt even more confused than ever. He didn’t even want to talk about resolving issues and if I tried to bring certain topics up he would stir back into the direction of divorce. 

I continued to work on my school work for the next couple of days and talked to our roommate about what was going on and said that I was beginning to make arrangements to move out and I’d try to be out within the next couple of weeks. Because the holidays are here I didn’t want to announce to my family that my husband had asked me for a divorce and that could one of them please feel obligated to take me in while I looked for a place. Everyone in my family is dealing with their own personal stressors and lives. I also did some research and looked into his phone account to see if he had been making calls to other women. I was seeking answers. Nothing strange going on there. I just can’t comprehend going from receiving texts from him saying how in love with me he was to all of a sudden getting in a fight over a key and him wanting to end it. The same day our roommate decided to inform my husband that I’d be out in about 2 weeks and all of a sudden his attitude towards me changed. He started being nice – bought me a box of cookies and told the roommate he was buying me a big cake for my birthday on Christmas Day. After two days of his new attitude I felt I should try to sit down and talk to him. He was watching football and I asked if I could talk to him about making arrangements. He said he was busy watching football but turned down the TV. I said calmly and nicely that since I was almost done with school and had some time off work that I was going to start moving some things into a storage unit. He asked if I had gotten a place. I said no but I was working on it and it would be another month before an apartment went through but if I had to I could stay somewhere. He said that I could leave my things and my dog at the house and when I got a place he would help me move it all. I said no that because I’d have time I was going to rent a unit and move it all out within a couple days because when the moving process started I was leaving no reason for me to come back and that communication between would be restricted to only paperwork. I than asked if it would be ok if I took the bed in the spare room and the dresser set because I had given up all of my furniture when we had gotten married and I had no furnishings. He said that his mom had given us those things from his deceased grandmother’s home and that if she found out I had them she would get angry. I said I knew she was fond of the headboards but could I take the mattress. He said again that it would make her angry. I said well as far as the dressers went she knew he had refinished them for me. He said they looked good in his room and that she would be angry if I took them. I just remained calm and said never mind. I will come up with something. He then said that I was acting like it was an inconvenience that he got to stay in the home and I had to move. I just sat there and said yes it was. My whole life was changing. It isn’t easy to uproot your life in between school and work just out of the blue. I than asked if he made arrangements with the paralegal he was going to call to assist in writing up an agreement. He said he changed his mind that the court house offers free assistance and he couldn’t afford a paralegal. I said what are you going to put down as the reason for divorce. He said irreconcilable differences. I said do you really believe our differences are irreconcilable. He began to become angry and said I don’t have to answer your “why” questions and because he has repeatedly asked me over and over again to perform simple tasks that he was going to teach me a life lesson so next time I got into a relationship and I was doing things that irritated someone I would immediately stop doing it because I would think about the reason I was divorced in the first place. I said that I wasn’t looking to argue but I was maybe looking for some closure. He said that a husband and wife are supposed to worship each other and I don’t do anything a wife is supposed to do. He said that everyone around him constantly praises him and tells him he is great and that I see that and withhold that from him. Which isn’t true. I don’t withhold my love from him. I told him that if anything I’ve been busy with work and school and I thought he would understand that. I said that he only surrounds himself with people that will praise him and his mother raised him with nothing but positive reinforcement and worship. He can do no wrong in her eyes. He became angry and said that if I knew that was how he was raised than why don’t I treat him the way his mother treats him. I said that when people become adults they should be secure enough in themselves to realize that life goes on whether you are constantly praised or not and if he firmly believes that he has such severe anxiety that little things that his wife does are causing his marriage to deteriorate than he should see a doctor because it doesn’t matter if I’m around or not that these issues would continue. He said he runs a tight ship and he just wants to come home and have everything in place where he had it before. I said well what about the roommate? I’ve never met a bigger slob than him. How come he gets to stay? How come his stress level doesn’t rise when he looks in his bathroom or bedroom. He paused for a minute and said that he doesn’t fight him on everything. He said that just because two people are married doesn’t mean a person doesn’t have the right to change their mind. I said I’m not trying to change your mind I just feel that marriage is sacred and I would never walk out on a marriage without working on the issues first. He said there are things he wants to do that he can’t do while being married. I said you have always lived an unrestricted life. I’ve never been the type to say he can’t do this or that. The only things he can’t do is sleep with other women. He said that wasn’t what he was talking about. He said that he is a bright and shiny person that needs to shine and when he is with me he is nothing but a dusty old rock. I said you are 40 years old. All of your friends are married and have children and the other friends you have are in their 20’s with no real life or relationship advice to offer. I said you act like if you get a divorce your life will magically change and all these things are going to implode into the home and make everything exciting and better. I said it doesn’t work that way. He then began to get extremely angry and said he was done with the conversation and if I didn’t shut up he would make the house a battle zone and force me out. The last thing I said was that he was never going to find anyone to meet the expectations he was asking for because nobody is perfect not even him. 

So here I am. It’s Christmas Day and it’s my birthday. Every day I wake up crying. I feel like this is a cruel joke or a nightmare. I just never thought I’d get a divorce and for the reasons that he claims. I’ve done some research and he seems to be Narcissist. I mean he fits into every example given on the web. He is extremely good looking so moving on won’t be hard for him. Not to mention, he is not surrounded with anyone that will give him any meaningful advice on marriage. His mother is coaching him on how to get a divorce and will reinforce anything he says no matter how outrageous it sounds. Everyone agrees their relationship is twisted. People in public have even asked if they are husband and wife. He is not willing to communicate on any level of fairness with me. As soon as I say something he cuts me off saying I cut him off but I can’t get a word in edge wise hence the reason we have gone so long without talking. He’s done things in the past that were hard for me to forgive him for but I did and these things he can’t forgive me for seem petty. We have split up a couple times in the past before being married and I’ve moved out and moved on with my life but he has always tracked me down and has begged me to come back into his life. His grandmother just died and some people think he may have come into an inheritance that he doesn’t want to share with me. I am not like that. We have always had separate bank accounts and have always split all the bills but I’ve fronted out more money in the marriage than he has. So I’m just lost. Anyone have any words of wisdom for me?


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

ICLH break your story into paragraphs - it's easier on the eyes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Honorbound (Nov 19, 2013)

ICLH, your husband is a child because he has never HAD to grow up. I think you are right about him being a narcissist. His mother trained him that way.

I know you think you love him, but are you sure you love him - or your internal image of him... who you WANT him to be? Is your self-esteem so low that you put up with this simply because of his looks? I'm guessing he's been an ass most of your marriage (and before) but you keep allowing it, forgiving him, and sweeping his bad behavior under the rug. Is that accurate?

If so... why? Are you really content to be this ass's second Mother? Because I assure you, that is what he wants. He as much as _told_ you that. His petulant actions bear that out even further.

A great contributor here, Conrad, has a saying that you should probably take to heart:

"When people _show_ you who they really are, believe them."

Actions speak far louder and more accurately than words ever will. He has _shown_ you - several times now - _who he really is_. Is that a person you want to be with? Don't you think you deserve better? I assure you that you do.

However, you also need to look at _your_ part in this. You allowed his behavior by not enforcing healthy boundaries. In fact, I'll go one step further... you not only allowed it, but you actually _encouraged_ it by letting him quit his job, not forcing him to find another, taking up the slack in the finances so that he could goof off with his friends, and, finally, by letting him treat you like someone whose only purpose in life is to support HIM.

Look up 'codependency'. I'm betting some bells go off. Some of the folks here can recommend some great literature on the subject you should read.

Remember - YOU DO DESERVE BETTER! Talk to an attorney and find out what your rights are. Do NOT sign anything without your attorney looking it over first. Do not let the narcissist bully you or manipulate you.

I know it hurts, but giving this guy the divorce he wants is the best thing you can do for yourself. Look for the reasons you got yourself into this situation to begin with and correct them. Work on YOU and put him behind you.

Read about The 180 and put it into effect. You will see references to it throughout these forums. If you follow that and continue to work on _you_, you _will_ be happy one day.

...He will still be a spoiled, petulant, child in a man's body.

One day you will wonder how you could have ever allowed yourself to be in that situation.

BTW - Happy Birthday. Sorry you are here....


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

ICLH

"he said, he said, he said, he said" I lost count of how many times I read that.
When I was going through my own pain and suffering because of a broken marriage a friend of mine said this to me "YOU allowed him to treat you like a doormat"

You have allowed this man to treat you like a doormat. But, he sounds awful OP, RUN away, do not worry about fixing your marriage. He is not worth your time.
He DOES NOT want you, he does not want you, he has said it and shown you. WHY do you stay? 
Leave! Save your self

Happy Birthday!~ Give yourself a gift, leave this POS man.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Not really sure what advice anyone can give you. Why would you want to be married to a spoiled 2 year old? You're giving him way too much power trying to talk to him. Stop trying to talk to him, move out, get a lawyer, and move on with your life which by the way is going to be a lot better than his. Leave him a little note on the way out telling him to f$ck himself, and tell him that if he's worried about grandmommies inheritance he shouldn't have worried, because inheritances are never community property if they're kept separate. .Then tell him to enjoy growing old alone, which is exactly what's going to happen to him. Then block his number.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

Thanks for the replies. I agree with everything I've read on here. I wouldn't necessarily agree that I've allowed him to treat me like a doormat and I don't want to start sounding like I'm making excuses for myself either. He went from bringing me breakfast in bed and my coffee to me every morning and doing my laundry to the exact opposite. I'm not materialistic so being married to a man that makes a lot of money isn't important to me. As long, as he brought in enough money to pay his half of the bills and payments that he had incurred before we were married I didn't feel reason to argue or push him into getting a full-time job. Every relationship I've ever been in I have split half of the bills down the middle. I've never made a man support me nor have I lived off one so as far as the financial aspect goes I just didn't see a point in fighting everyday about him getting study work as long as he still made the money to keep a roof over our head. Is that bad? 

Honorbound - I have studied up on co-dependency in the past. In a prior relationship I do agree I was a co-dependent. I don't believe I'm co-dependent on him now. I'm actually very independent which I believe makes him insecure. The only reason why I'm still in the marriage at this point is because the reasons behind the divorce seem so ridiculous to me. It's almost embarrassing. I believe that he is more so co-dependent on me. I've left him in the past and although I do love him I realize what a relief it is when he isn't around. He requires an excessive amount of attention and praise that isn't normal. Hence, why I firmly believe he is a Narcist after finding out what one was. BUT each time I leave and move on with my life he tracks me down and makes me promises and makes changes. The last time we split and before we got married he jumped through hoops to get me back. Took personal growth classes and seemed to make improvements to make things right. I bought into it all hook line and sinker but several months after our marriage these problems started to resurface. A red flag went up when I reminded him about all the promises he had made about self improvement. He said he NEVER said anything like that. He acted as if he didn't ever remember acknowledging that he had issues that needed to be worked on or ever learning anything about these issues. 

I don't deserve to be treated like this and if he was a real man I wouldn't be on here asking for advice. I'm just kicking myself for getting married and now getting divorced. I'm overly responsible and don't want to be another statistic but it takes two to make a marriage work and I'm the only one that thinks it is the right thing to do at this point. But from past experiences with him every time we split and I move on he comes back that is why I haven't jumped to move out of the house yet. I don't want to go through the process to have him turn around and change his mind. I mean it's a marriage. I'm going through with the divorce but I want him to take responsibility for this and file. As of yesterday, he was leaving it to me to do so. There is something on the financial forms he is afraid I will see. He said he is going to have me file and default on it. Has anyone here gone through a default divorce?


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

Also, we are in California which is a community property state. He has made several purchases since we have been married. Although the house isn't mine I have made contributions to the home and have paid into the mortgage. Do any of you know if I would be entitled to getting any of that back? Also, if a judge enforces him to sell the "toys" he has purchased since our marriage does he have to pay me? Because he has been working on the table he seems to think that if anyone is entitled to anything he can claim spousal support because he has only legally worked 4 months. I guess these are things I need to discuss with a lawyer. I'm just looking for people that have been in similar situations and that will let me in on what the outcome is. He seems to think that if he doesn't have the money to pay that he won't have to but a judge will enforce all of that right? And I will be seeking counseling. I want to know why I made the choice to get in a relationship and I never want to repeat this MISTAKE again!


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## Honorbound (Nov 19, 2013)

ICLH said:


> And I will be seeking counseling. I want to know why I made the choice to get in a relationship and I never want to repeat this MISTAKE again!


Good 

The rest you really do need to speak to an attorney where you live.

I'm also one to keep my vows _way_ past the point of common sense... but sometimes you KNOW that trying to work on things is an exercise in futility. 

Take the ridiculous reasons he has given for wanting a divorce as a _gift_ - he is releasing you from your commitment.


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

He take your insurance, ask for a divorce thinks he can kick you out of your home and refuse you to make any necessary but extra furniture? Do not leave the marital home. Get a lawyer and get what you are entitled to. He more than likely has a w4ore on the side. There are very few reasons for this sudden change. Do NOT let him strip you of everything. He asked for this. Let the natural consequences of his idiocy play out.


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

Well, the last two nights he has been taking a shower and leaving the house to return really late. He did the same tonight. Being curious, I have been monitoring the condom stash. Before he left, he took 2. I figured he wouldn't be home but he returned within 20minutes of leaving. Not sure if he is planning on leaving again but being that we have been living in separate bedrooms for over a month I can assume that he isn't planning on sleeping with me. So I guess he plans on sleeping with someone soon. He told me he would turn this house into a battle zone if I didn't leave. I am assuming he has started the process.


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

So bring it and the moment he gets hostile have him removed by law enforcement and file a restraiining order. He cannot legally kick you out of your home. Why are you putting up with thiis abuse?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

Believe me BFGuru I have a few cards up my sleeve but I have to be patient. He aquired the home before we were married so he thinks it is his and I need to leave which once the divorce settles I believe I will have to which I don't know if I can last that long. I know that I can get a temporary order to get exclusive use of the residence but I have hesrd those are hard to acquire unless physical abuse is present. In a way, I think he is setting me up to get angry so he can call the cops on me and have me removed from the home. He is very vindictive and in a way I'm afraid of what he may do whether I stay in the home or move out. Euther way, he will do everything he can to get me out of here. My main concern at this point is getting my hands on some financial paperwork he keeps in his room before a big blowout ensues. As soon, as I get what I need than game on but it hasn't been that easy. He also made the mistake of telling me one night when he was drunk that he forged hundreds of documents at his previous job with PG&E in order to make commissions. He made thousands and thousands of dollars signing people up for low income programs by manipulating the paperwork with white and a copy machine. He saved record off all of them in case something came back on him he said he was going to tell investigators he was trained to do it that way. This was going on when we first started dating and I knew nothing of it until after our marriage. I'm going to turn him in but I want the proof. Like I said, I'm not tolerating his abuse, I just need to get my ducks in a row while I'm still in thr house.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

I recommend carrying a Voice Activated Recorder on you at all times. Your cell phone might be able to function as one. That way, when he becomes abusive you have something to share with the cops.

Consult with a divorce attorney ASAP. Like yesterday. Hire a shark.

You do not want to invest any more time into a relationship with a personality-disordered narcissist. It's an exercise in frustration and misery.

There are plenty of websites out there on how to leave a narcissist. Google is your friend.


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

In the latest developments, I just heard him talking on the phone about how is going to go out and purchase the newest Kia Optima that way he will have a new car and I'll be stuck with the payments. This nightmare is just getting started.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Sorry for what is happening to you.

Point one, I believe in lifetime marriage, but I also believe that one person alone cannot make it work. My advice on saving the marriage, if it is possible at all, would be to stand up to him, not let him behave this way. I would state clearly that I did not want divorce and that this a were going that way because he did.

Point two, with all due respect to my esteemed fellow posters, the legal advice around TAM is not sound. Since it is exceedingly obvious that he intends to fight dirty, take proper legal advice before saying another word to him, and before any division of property, leaving marital home, and so on.


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## Wanttoliveagain (Nov 2, 2013)

Good luck ICLH. I understand your wanting to preserve your Marriage, and not see it dissolve for such seemingly small reasons. I admire your convictions and integrity. Many of us share the same values. 

I see you focus a lot on your H, his thoughts, his actions, etc. I totally get that. Being in a period of being threatened with everything we hold dear and believe in can put us in a state of vigilance as we try to monitor everything around us. It's a coping mechanism to protect our safety (and sanity perhaps, especially with the kind of madness your H is dishing out). This kind of reactive state can make us lose focus on being proactive in our own lives though, and focus on truly taking care of the person who needs it most: you.

I really admire how level-headed and logical you seem to be in your interactions and responses with your H. Have you always been this way? I wish I could say I was the same at the beginning. Now I'm that way but it took awhile. 

No matter what happens with your H or your marriage, you owe it to yourself to focus on you, your wants and desires, your happiness, and not be in a constant state of reaction to him. You've been trained that way perhaps living like this, and maybe you need some distance in order to free yourself from the trance or spell that living with a narcissist can put you under. They really do make it ALL about them. That's a tough cast to break free from.

Some reading, IC, etc. may protect you from ever joining with a narcissist again. I also have had that pull, I know what this entails.


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

Wanttoliveagain - I've always been level-headed with him but I also put in some research on how to react to a husband when they ask for a divorce and you don't wish for one. So I've been reacting to his behaviors in ways that the experts advise. It isn't easy but I've always been a very laid back and logical person. That is probably the only reason this relationship has lasted as long as it has. He has taken advantage of every boundary there is in a healthy relationship which has made it an unhealthy one for me. I've been looking into family law/divorce attorneys and I'm seeking a free consultation before I make my next move. And after the dust settles, one of my priorities will be to get into counseling. I don't want end up making the same mistakes over again. For the most part, I have been focusing on me. I told him that I was going to go through with my plans and goals and this divorce business wasn't going to interfere with them. I truly believe because I said that he is trying to sabotage me.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Sorry you are going through this, but your H sounds like a real piece of work. Don't believe a single thing he tells you. He is setting you up. 

He can't kick you out of the home while you two are still married. And D in California takes a while, minimum 6 months from the filing date, so you have time. Even more time if he doesn't file. Sounds like he is afraid to because of those past legal issues and the financial disclosures that could cause him some problems with the IRS and State. 

Go talk to your attorney, but if you contributed to the mortgage, you have some legal recourse where the home is concerned. There has been some co-mingling and whatever you contributed will go into how the community assets are divided upon dissolution of the marriage. All that to say that you have more stake in this than you might think. 

The fact that the house was bought pre-marriage and that your name is not on the mortgage is good because that debt is his. 

If you don't want a divorce, don't pay for it. Make him do it. Unless things are untenable in the home, why rush things? He can't kick you out and you have some schooling to finish up.


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## Middleofit (Jul 23, 2011)

Talk to a lawyer and a forensic accountant.


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

After what has been done and said the last couple or months I'd have to agree that I'd like a divorce myself. He says that everyone he talks to thinks it's ridiculous that I'm still living here after he asked for a divorce. He says this to get me out and I know I don't have to unless he gets a court order. We stay away from each other and I've been saving money to eventually get my own place. I believe it's only fair but he thinks I should go stay with family. I just figure if he can't stand me than he can find somewhere to stay. I think I'm going to give him the option - go file the divorce paperwork and have me served and I will leave. He did say that if I don't leave that he will file a legal separation and once he does that I judge will order me out in 1 day and the divorce process will take even longer. Is that how it works? Does anyone know?


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

ICLH said:


> After what has been done and said the last couple or months I'd have to agree that I'd like a divorce myself. He says that everyone he talks to thinks it's ridiculous that I'm still living here after he asked for a divorce. He says this to get me out and I know I don't have to unless he gets a court order. We stay away from each other and I've been saving money to eventually get my own place. I believe it's only fair but he thinks I should go stay with family. I just figure if he can't stand me than he can find somewhere to stay. I think I'm going to give him the option - go file the divorce paperwork and have me served and I will leave. He did say that if I don't leave that he will file a legal separation and once he does that I judge will order me out in 1 day and the divorce process will take even longer. Is that how it works?


No. But go talk to your lawyer. Your situation is better than you think.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

ICLH, I think what's going on here is that your hb is trying to force you into a panic and a quick divorce in his favor because HE is actually in panic mode. He knows all those toys he bought are half yours, he knows you have some recourse in the house because you helped with mortgage payments, and he knows very well he can't buy a car and stick you with the payments. He also knows he can't kick you out. That conversation was meant for you to overhear, and it is a manipulation attempt just like threatening to turn the house into a "war zone". Tell him to file his legal separation, you don't care; the bit about giving you a day to move out is another attempt to panic you. Call his bluff but do not attempt to speak to him about anything. Ignore him and get a lawyer, and as has already been suggested keep a voice activated recorder on you at all times. Next time he threatens a war zone simply wish him luck with that and ignore him. laugh in his face, and if he goes off the deep end call the cops on him. Pay no attention to his condom stash or what he does, just be indifferent to him. Take some power back here, and yes, definitely turn him in after you've moved out. My ex threatened me with "the most horrible divorce ever" if I got a lawyer; I wished him luck and got one anyway.
You'd better play rough and dirty with this d0uchebag.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Go talk to a lawyer ASAP. Perhaps you should consider putting a freeze on your credit so that he cannot open any accounts (credit cards, loans, etc.) in your name.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Also, it's possible that grandamommy left him enough money to pay off the mortgage and he's afraid to do it while married, since that would be comingling. Don't be surprised if after the divorce is final he decided he made a mistake and cries about how sorry he is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

He thinks if he buys something in another state then it isn't partly yours? I laughed out loud at that. 
How can he get a loan on a car when he has no income? 
Please talk to a few lawyers and get a couple of opinions. 
I would guess he met someone and is having an affair and that is why he wants to get a divorce. 
He sounds crazy.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation; however, I have to agree with some of the other posters, he sounds like a nut job and you would be wise to get out of the marriage as quickly as possible. Whatever you do, get a VAR and keep it on you at ALL TIMES.


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

Well, he was deep cleaning the house today and I got a hold of his phone just out of curiousity. He spent Christmas Eve with a girl he went to school with "chit-chatting." She is also going through a divorce and is raising a severely handicapped son. Via text he has been hinting at sex and back in high school she was very promiscuous. I believe after being married and raising a handicapped child she has changed and he doesn't realize it. Whatever, the reasons. He is looking to "hook up." I'm just remaining calm.


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

So now that he knows I got a hold of his phone he took my computer for school. He's says after I read what was in it why don't I leave? I said why don't you file for divorce? He said he was letting me finish school obviously not now. He said I don't get it. I said I get everything and if you can't stand it here than you leave. He thinks I'm staying because I want to be with him. Um. No.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Bear in mind the dynamics of the relationship....the power games in particular.

I assume that he normally gets his way, so he knows how. You need support because he is possibly much better at playing nasty games than you are.

By analogy from a book I read. If you get in the water with a shark, it knows how to be a shark, and while you are figuring out how to be a shark it will eat you. You need support you can trust to take him on. If he then suddenly finds his tricks aren't working any more, he will lose momentum.

The computer is a good example. You need to see those sorts of things coming, and preempt them. You need to sit down now, start figuring out things he can do to make your life difficult, and head him off at the pass.


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

This has gotten really ugly. He is pretty much forcing me out of the home. Threatening to move all move stuff put and change the locks while I'm at work. I can't take him anymore and am going to move out. Hes been recording me laying on the bed, threatening to take my bedroom door down. The list goes on and on. There is some paperwork I want to get a hold of before I leave. I don't know what to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

ICLH said:


> This has gotten really ugly. He is pretty much forcing me out of the home. Threatening to move all move stuff put and change the locks while I'm at work. I can't take him anymore and am going to move out. Hes been recording me laying on the bed, threatening to take my bedroom door down. The list goes on and on. There is some paperwork I want to get a hold of before I leave. I don't know what to do.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do you have an attorney? You should get one like today. Your husband is about 3 steps ahead of you. Please talk to an attorney today. I don't think you have the luxury of hiring someone next week.


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

He can change the locks all he wants but legally you can always get back in. He cannot legally kick you out. Get to a lawyer today and document all that he says to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

My understanding is that leaving the home may compromise your property rights. Might that be why he is doing this?

Have you considered reporting his threats (record them so you have proof) and getting a restraining order taken out against him.

Now, I am not a lawyer, and I do not live in your state. You need proper advice. Or he is going to take you to the cleaners.


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## Honorbound (Nov 19, 2013)

Please talk to an attorney ASAP! Everything he is doing to you now is harassment. Record these threats and DO NOT MOVE OUT YET! Not until you find out what your rights are.

I don't know what the exact laws are where you live, but I don't know of anywhere that you can be harassed like that without possible repercussions.

Wazza is correct - he's trying to get you to panic and leave on your own.


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

I got a hold of all the paperwork today and I'm going to file for divorce first. I'm also going to get a motion to get exclusive use of the eesidence. I have recorded his threats and he lied about the attorney. He just wants me out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

My cousin works for the courts and knows all the judges and he contacted me last night offering his help. I will contact an attorney. And I know, he isn't that far ahead of me now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

I talked to a lawyer and found out what I'm entitled to and what I'm not. As far, as staying in the house goes because it is in his name eventually I will have to move out so he recommended I quit paying mortgage payments on it and get a head start on moving on with life. I said I could get a motion to have exclusive use of the marital home while going thru the divorce process meaning he would be forced to leave until the divorce is finally. I am entitled to have payments I made on the home reimbursed. I have stayed away frim the house for 2 days because I just can't deal with his relentless harassment. At some point, I will be going over there to move my things and when I do I wouldn't doubt if I had to call for a civil standby. I have been numb for a long time but now I'm starting to get really depressed and sad even after all he has done I just can't believe I'm getting a divorce. He's in his extra maritial fog and I believe that reality of the divorce wint sink in until way after it has been finalized.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

Moyo - I feel your pain but I think my husbands mother can top them all. That is a whole other story. Well, after being away from the house for two days I got enough courage to go back home and start packing but only if hevwas gone. He was gone and had packed snd moved all my stuff in the garage all ready. Made it easier for me to move anyway. On my way back from the storage unit it was dark and I noticed the truck in front of me was swerving as if the driver were drunk. Sure enough it was him. He turned into the liquor store and I managed to get all my things officially out of the home without seeing him. A coworker of mine mentioned her boyfriend saw him at the bars last nite. He is returning to his old lifestyle before he met me. Part of me is worried and sad. I feel like I need to play the wife role and stop him but its not my place anymore. After all he has done recently I can't believe I still have an urge to protect him. Unlike him, I can't just turn my feelings off and on like a light switch. I won't go back to him. It's done. Everything just happened so fast. We went from loving each other to seperated and divorcing within s month and a half. Its so ridiculoys to me. When will any of this get easier? I don't think the hard part has even begun yet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

ICLH,

I read your tale and I'm sorry you're going through this. You are not alone and bad things sometime happen to good people. I'm going through pretty much the same thing you are with only minor differences. 

I want to comment on the theories of codependency that are so frequently posted here. Like me, you just tried to communicate to your spouse how their unwelcome behaviors made you feel. That is not being codependent in my opinion, that's simply trying to be mature and having an honest discussion about what you will or will not tolerate. 

You and I tried, but our spouses cannot own their faults. You didn't reject your husband, but you did reject his unacceptable conduct. There is nothing wrong with that. If he really loved you he would make the effort to control his reactions. 

He doesn't want to. He's saying this is how I am. People in love don't treat others the way you've been treated. You are not wrong for communicating how you want to be treated. 

He's rejecting you, but it's a blessing. I know. I'm going through it now. Believe me, it gets better every day. You are only losing a person who cannot treat you right.

I hope this helps and if you want to talk I'll listen.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

This is way too long to read. (Sorry!) Cliff's Notes?


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

ICLH said:


> In the latest developments, I just heard him talking on the phone about how is going to go out and purchase the newest Kia Optima that way he will have a new car and I'll be stuck with the payments. This nightmare is just getting started.


Im pretty sure this is not true. The lawyers can make a court order that you can give to the lender that dictates you are not responsible for any payments for that car. Im doing this myself, I have a suddenly broke stbxw ws that hasn't kept her car payments up since we split up. It's about to be repossessed.
The lender will send in the court order to the credit agencies, relieving you of financial responsibility of it. It should take about two months before it reflects on my credit.


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