# Just found out



## Yoyo13 (May 26, 2017)

I'm new to all this and don't really know where to start but needed to put my thoughts somewhere.

Found out 3 nights ago that my husband slept with another woman 6 months ago. Since then they've been sending dirty messages but never met up again. He also met someone else randomly, saw her for coffee and started dirty messages with her but says nothing happened. 

We have had issues for a while but have been trying to work through them. Just not sure how to move on and get our happy marriage back. 

Sex was a big issue, after having our second child I was always tired and didn't give him enough attention which is where this all started. He was getting the attention from them that I wasn't giving him.

The infidelity itself I have forgiven. I basically forgave him for it the same night that I found out. It's the messages and lies that came with them that I am struggling to move past.

There was nothing emotional with them but I'm worried that the moment I don't give him what he needs, he will just pick it up again. 

I know it's still only fresh but any advice on moving on and helping to get the trust back would be great.

Thanks for reading


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

You will get some help soon, and you will get lots questions asked to give more information, so that proper advice can be given.

To the Mods: Is this not a good reason to have people fill out a set of questions to give the forum enough background information to help minimize the back and forth and expedite the resolution of the problems? 

Unless high post count threads are desired.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Yoyo13 said:


> I'm new to all this and don't really know where to start but needed to put my thoughts somewhere.
> 
> Found out 3 nights ago that my husband slept with another woman 6 months ago. Since then they've been sending dirty messages but never met up again. He also met someone else randomly, saw her for coffee and started dirty messages with her but says nothing happened.
> 
> ...


I think it is possible that you forgave your husband too quickly.

You gave your forgiveness but he had not accepted it, or he would not be continuing to cheat on you.

Get tested for STDs as he might still be having a physical affair with someone else.

And see a divorce lawyer just to see what your legal position Is.


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

@Yoyo13 - I am very sorry that you are here.

I agree with MattMatt that it is very likely that you have forgiven your husband too quickly. Many of us did ... and thought that we would be able to go back to our marriages as they were. Only to find that the marriage we thought we had didn't exist anymore. And we were actually far too angry, once the reality of what our spouses had done sank in, to ever just forgive and "move on". But that's OK. You are still in shock. I would just warn you that you likely have a lot of pain and anger to still work through. And it will likely hit you suddenly without warning. 

Your husband CHOSE to have affairs. None of what he did is your fault. At all. You may feel looking back that your marriage was not in the best place. And maybe even that a large part of that was your fault. But many people have been unhappy in their marriages and chosen to try and fix their marriage or to honourably separate and divorce before having a relationship with anyone else. What your husband did was wrong, deceitful, disrespectful and without honour. (Others on this thread will no doubt post far stronger words.)

Until your husband faces up to what he did and you see him begin to feel true remorse, I do not think it likely that you will ever be able to begin trusting him again. And I would advise that you do not. Unless things change within your relationship and within your husband, the reality is that he will probably do this again. If he has not already, many times.

Know that we are here for you. Many of us have been exactly where you are. Again, I am sorry that you are here.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Had your sex life improved before this happened?

I'm asking no to try to point blame but to see if there is a hope of fixing things - if that is what you want.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Yoyo13 said:


> I'm new to all this and don't really know where to start but needed to put my thoughts somewhere.
> 
> Found out 3 nights ago that my husband slept with another woman 6 months ago. Since then they've been sending dirty messages but never met up again. He also met someone else randomly, saw her for coffee and started dirty messages with her but says nothing happened.
> 
> ...


This is a huge breach of trust by your WH. He has not done it once (some men do and really are remorseful about it). Seems like he feels entitled to cheat because you are not giving it up? That is not a good sign for your marriage at all.
You have just given birth, probably are tired with two kids, may even have post natal depression (have you checked this out?) and your WH is more concerned with getting his needs met, do you see what I am getting at.

1. You have forgiven him far too quickly, you are minimizing what he has done, he needs to be hit with the reality of what he has done and realize that he may well lose you and the kids. Marriage is a commitment in sickness and in health, for better or worse, not for only the good times
2. Tell him that you are not sure whether you want to stay married and want to separate.
3. Get yourself some counselling or therapy. I think you are in the denial stage. If you sweep this under the carpet now, it will come back to haunt you ( I did the same thing after giving birth to my son, and regret the rug sweeping big time)
4. Tell your family and friends, his family what he has been up to while you are pregnant and when you gave birth. It is his shame to carry, let him face the people in his life, shame can help people stay accountable, do NOT cover for him. This type of thing only survives in the darkness. If you let it go, he WILL do it again.
5. Consider what your other options are, you may want time out, you may want to seek legal advice (just so that you know you have options and talk of a lawyer may waken him up).
6. See if he would consider MC, if he will not then I think your marriage is further gone than you realise
but whatever you do , do not let this go so easily, it will not get better, it will follow you around for decades and always be a black cloud over your marriage. Deal with it now.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Your husband is still cheating on you and the children. He is seeking sexual gratification outside the relationship, which is infidelity.

I agree with others, you forgave too soon. I bet you are tired after the second baby. And can you share what your H has done to help with the extra burdens of parenthood? Unless he's taken half of the responsibilities, he's placed you in the position of being exhausted all the time, and then he cheats?


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Yoyo,

I sense you are somewhat taking "blame" for your H infidelity. STOP IT. 

As often quoted here... Marriage 50/50... infidelity 100% on the cheater. Your WH had a dozen options to resolve His issues, from talking honest with you, to MC, all the way to D. 

Cheating on you was just the cowards way. I would at the least talk with a Family Lawyer to know your options. Your dealing with a Serial Cheater and they are a breed of their own.

BTW, you only know a fraction of what your WH has been doing behind your back. In regards to infidelity "There's always more."


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

manwithnoname said:


> To the Mods: Is this not a good reason to have people fill out a set of questions to give the forum enough background information to help minimize the back and forth and expedite the resolution of the problems?



"Welcome to the TAM Clinic. Please fill out this questionnaire before treatment can begin" :wink2:


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Sorry you are going through this. You didn't cause your husband to have the affair(s). That is a reflection of his character. The only way to get trust back is for him to have remorse for his actions and change himself for the better, which it doesn't sound like he is doing yet.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Yoyo13 said:


> The infidelity itself I have forgiven. I basically forgave him for it the same night that I found out.


This is known as rug sweeping. It usually does not work and I encourage you to look it up and learn more about it. You need to come to terms with the fact that your world has irreversibly changed and going into denial or just hoping things will just snap back into the happy past isn't going to happen. Sorry.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Look even if you foolishly forgave him the same night, which I don't believe is even possible because you are still in shock and have no idea exactly what damage you have suffered. Not sure how you can forgive that without first knowing what you are forgiving. 

But even if you choose to do that. The choice to stay married should have nothing to do with your forgiveness or not. It should first have to do with him demonstrating that he understands the gravity of what he did. Then it should have to do with him fixing what is wrong with him. Him improving his boundaries so you feel safe. You deciding if this is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with as this person is not the person you thought you married. And finally you deciding if the new dynamics of the marriage, or really if the new marriage (as the old one is dead) is a marriage you want to spend the rest of you life in. You are just at the beginning, it will be a good year before you will even be close to knowing what the new marriage is going to look like. No one can make an informed decision this soon. The ones who try to do themselves a great disservice. 

Unfortunately this is going to be a life changing experience for you. You have really no way to make a clear choice right now as you have very little idea where you will be even a year from now. Time is the only thing that will let you see this.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You forgave him out of guilt because you knew you hadn't given him enough sex. Am I right? That's not how this works. Adults are able to successfully make a statement about their needs not being met without resorting to cheating. At best he should have spoken to you plainly about it. At worst, he could have divorced you. Neither requires cheating. Your quickness to forgive spared him from all of the things he should be doing right now. 

You say you want your marriage back the way it was. It will never be the same. It typically must be rebuilt and restarted from the ground up, with the heavy lifting being done by the WS. It's a 2-5 year+ endeavor, with no guarantee of success and a requirement that you're both invested 100% in its execution. 

So, what has he been doing, specifically, to show his remorse and heal the marriage?

P. S. Reflecting on why you denied him sex is important, too. Please explain why you did that. Men need sex to feel loved by their wives.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Yoyo how are you?


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
The speed with which you forgave your H is not necessarily the issue. It may very well be that some regard infidelity as devastating and some have lesser feelings about it. You may be in the latter group. What is problematic is the message that your sudden forgiveness relayed to your H. Consequences are the result of a persons decisions and how they arrive at those decisions is usually predicated on past experiences and projections of future possibilities. Now your H sees that infidelity in your marriage is "easy" and that he can do it with little to no consequence.

Now where this becomes problematic is when the intellect of the person is not capable of understanding A) what they have actually done and B) despite your expediency in forgiving, the pain you have been made to endure. A mindful person would see your quickness to forgive as undeserved and therefore very valuable. A person of less intellect would see it as described above, easy to do and without cost. The overwhelming majority of offenders fall into the latter category because mindful people rarely cheat in the first place.

Only you know your H's personality and only you can make the determination of which category he falls into. If he is an intelligent, mindful person (highly improbable) then he will self correct and you can move on with relative confidence but if he is not, then you have given him a clear message that cheating on you carries no reprisal and the chances are quite high that he will cheat again.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

A decent man of integrity does not cheat no matter what. He has cheated at leats once, and was heading that way with another woman. What is he doing to rebuild the trust? Do you have full access to his phone and computer? Is he completely repentant? Did he tell you himself or did you find out another way? Have you told him that this is his last chance?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yoyo13 said:


> I'm worried that the moment I don't give him what he needs, he will just pick it up again.


Is this really what you think marriage is all about? Is this how a married woman should feel about her husband?

The fact you feel that way is wrong. Very very wrong. Your husband is the one doing something wrong here - NOT YOU. The fact you feel guilty and are so willing to rugsweep and 'forgive' and be scared that what YOU do is making HIM cheat speaks volumes. It's wrong in every way.

You should be pissed RIGHT off at him. How dare he think he has the right to not only cheat on you, but to blame YOU for it? I don't care WHAT you did. Unless you took his penis and inserted it into her vagina against his will, it isn't your fault. It's HIS.

No one has a perfect marriage. If someone says they do, they're a liar. No one is 100% happy with their spouse. Anyone can find a reason or ten to cheat if they want to. People with integrity DON'T though. People with integrity work on their problems and talk to their spouse. They don't just use problems as an excuse to cheat.

Whatever problems your marriage has are totally separate from his choice to cheat. You need to internalize that. Only after you've recovered - truly recovered, and not rugswept - can you hope to work on your marriage. And unless your husband is totally and truly remorseful - which right now he most assuredly is NOT - there's no marriage to work on. He isn't invested in your marriage at all.

Right now, PLEASE see a dr and get STD tested. And start doing some reading. Here's a great place to start

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yoyo13 said:


> Sex was a big issue, after having our second child I was always tired and didn't give him enough attention
> 
> I'm worried that the moment I don't give him what he needs, he will just pick it up again.


Tell us more about why you don't give him what he needs.


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