# Mid Life Crisis or Something Deeper



## Beachgirl42 (Aug 11, 2009)

3 weeks ago, my husband of nearly 12 years announced that he is unhappy and bored with our marriage and wants to leave. He complained that in the past 6 weeks we haven't done anything to get out of the house on the weekends and that I am mostly to blame. I admit that lately I have been lazy on the weekends. My first job is tourist related and I work close to 70 hours a week as well as taking care of the house and 3 kids plus I have a part-time job to boot.

As my husband and I continue to talk, I'm not getting any more information from him other than he's bored and unhappy. He does say that he feels we have lost our ability to communicate. We talk constantly. Even at work, we talk at least 3 times a day not including our evenings together. I have asked him to try and work on the relationship and that I have no problem getting my butt off the couch and out on the weekends. He says he doesn't want to because he's afraid that any changes I make will only be temporary and that we will be back to square one within a little time. I disagree.

Also, he is having what I believe is an emotional affair. Through his work he became friends with a woman in her mid fifties. My husband is 45. He spends a lot of time on the phone with this woman discussing our situation. He says that she is really helping him deal with all of this. There is nothing physical going on between them. Funny thing is, she is on my side in this whole mess. It really bothers me that he devotes so much time talking with her. He says that she is very understanding and has helped him a lot. She recently escaped an abusive marriage and my husband actually helped her move into her new house as she was physically unable to do it herself.

I love my husband with all of my heart and I can't get over the fact that he's willing to throw away 12 years of marriage and three kids because of boredom. What could this man possibly be thinking? How can he not even try to fix our problems. I feel as though he is avoiding me as he stays longer and longer at work each day and on the weekends he leaves and doesn't come back until dark. He admits that he is avoiding me and apologizes for it. What is up with this? Is there something bad in the water these days or what?


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## COFLgirl (Oct 9, 2008)

Your title sums it up pretty well, yes it is a mid-life crisis (MLC) and something deeper.

Your husband sounds like he is having a classic MLC. 

He is also having an affair...and the damage is being done whether it is physical or not. The emotional part is worse, IMO, and you can see the impact on your marriage already.

Unless he pulls out of this quickly, which is not likely, you are in for one heck of a ride. 

I'm so sorry if my words sound harsh...I feel so sorry for you. As to what you should do, I don't know. It depends on how much you want to save your marriage.

(((hugs)))


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Has he made any effort to do anything to break his own boredom and to get the two of you out of the house? IOW, has he iniated and you turned him down?

If that is his actual complaint (boredom), surely the two of you can rub together some time and do something fun and interesting together that you haven't done in the past. An adventure of some sort.

But general unhappiness, how are you supposed to respond to something so vague? Does he have any concrete complaints or is this just an excuse?

If as you suspect, he is having an EA then he may actually be having a PA as she is now single and he apparently knows where she lives. Have you spoken to her about the situation? He really had no right to discuss your marriage with another woman...


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## Beachgirl42 (Aug 11, 2009)

I would do anything to save this marriage as I believe we are truly meant to be. He just doesn't see that right now. But, I can't be the only who wants to fix things. He admits that he is pushing me away, I guess in an attempt to make it easier on him. Am I supposed to live in misery trying to hold a family together while he goes off and has his "selfish" alone time. I have suggested going out and doing things but he is having too much fun on his own. He still states that he's afraid that it will all go back to boring after a few months of trying.

I am scheduled to sign a lease on a new apartment tonight and will move in later this month. I really don't want to do this but I don't feel as though he is giving me a choice. He will come around and see the light but it just might be too late by then. Is there anything that I can do to help him with this or are my attempts to help just pushing him further and further away.


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## QuitaBee (Aug 11, 2009)

If you are doing all that your saying..I feel your doing enough. If he feels you will go back to being "boring" or whatever then don't be around for him to see that happen. he sounds like he has nother agenda or maybe not. Has he expressed these feelings to you in the past but in another way?? Like, hey honey let's go to the movies?? And you declined because you were tired (with good reason!)?? Either way don't push or pressure him. If his mouth is saying this is what he wants, then listen to his MOUTH...not what you think his or YOUR heart is saying. Ultimately all you can rely on is what your told..only time will tell!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

It sounds like he is looking for an excuse to carry on an EA!

My opinion of course. However, he won't work on the marriage if the OW is in the picture. 

Of course, we all get distracted by life (work/school/kids) and we don't recognize our spouses needs and wants. Whatever happened to speaking up and letting people know when you are unhappy?

My husband is going the some sort of crisis. He's been unhappy for a long while. He chose to tell me in Oct. 08 and it took some tooth pulling to get it out of him! What a coward!


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

It's definitely something deeper. What strikes me as odd is how on earth do you have time to take care of the kids, if you work 70+ hours a week? Is Hubby a stay at home dad? Maintaining a marriage and raising kids does require time and commitment. I am sure a lot of circumstances led you two to this point. The other woman is only one of the issues of the troubled marriage. I hope you find answers soon, as life will move on regardless if you understand the reasoning.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Beachgirl, you didn't answer any of my questions. It is OK if you don't want to, but it sounds like you are really just here to vent if you don't want to dialog.


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## peanut (Aug 4, 2009)

I just went through a bit of the same scenario with my husband. He was having an EA with a woman at work who was 9 years younger. He denies that he was, but I saw a couple of emails that were "flirtatious" and definately was going in the "affair" direction. This woman also is divorced/single and a bit touchy-feely. Not just to my husband, but to everyone.

It is so hard today to balance family, husband, finances...something always suffers. I always thought I was there all the time for my husband, but then after I found out about the woman at work, I stood back from the situation and looked at our marriage. We really took each other for granted and everything else took presidence in our lives and our relationship was suffering. Even though I still believe my husband was on his way to being unfaithful, I think I caught it in time and changed a bit and so did he. 

I think you have to decide if you still love him and if he is someone you want to try to work things out with. Moving out might not help the relationship, but put more distance between you and let him call his "other" friend to confide in more often. And watch out for her...you said "she is on your side." I don't believe that for a minute. If she was on your side, she wouldn't be speaking with your husband on the phone or at work about your personal life.

You might have to have him make a decision and ask him who is more important...you or his EA. You both might also have to divide up the household chores and child caring responsiblities so that you each have more time for each other.

I hope everything works out for you.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

He's having an affair and you cannot compete. It's that simple. He must give up the other relationship to have any hope of working things out in his marriage. No one should go outside the marriage to discuss issues unless they are consulting a professional--that is energy and emotion he is sharing with someone other than his wife, and b/c it is energy and emotion about intimacy, his wife is the ONLY person he should share it with. 

You need to make up your mind about what you are willing to do. Get counseling alone if he won't go. Decide how much you are willing to take or not take. Plan accordingly--if he won't give up the friendship, for example, are you willing to demand a separation? Do you understand that the more you chase, at this point, the worse it will be? Are you willing to work on issues while remaining true to yourself--very hard if you are fearful of losing the relationship, but you have to know where to draw the line about reasonable vs. unreasonable changes, and that's where a therapist can help. 

Best of luck!


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## Beachgirl42 (Aug 11, 2009)

Sorry Dobo for not responding yet. My husband has been doing things to cure his boredom. Unfortuntaely that constitutes him leaving the house for the entire weekend and doing things by himself. He doesn't even want to include me or anyone else in the family in any of his plans. In fact, since this weekend will be out last as an "official" couple, I suggested spending the day together as a family. He doesn't want to do this and suggested to his daughters that they find a friend to spend the weekend with because he was going to be gone all weekend. 

I signed the lease to a new apartment as he stated that he and I can't stay in the same house anymore. He will be moving to an apartment as well. I called him before I went in to sign the lease just to make sure he hadn't changed his mind. He said that right now he really needs to be on his own to try and figure things out. He's really going to be in for a shock losing the person who cared for the house, took care of the kids, paid all the bills, etc. Perhaps that will give him an insight to what real life is like. He has never been on his own so it should be interesting.

He is also finding out that our circle of friends no longer will include him. I have not asked our friends to take sides and I have never said anything bad about him but they have now circled the wagons and he is definitely outside that circle. He spent 2 hours venting very angrily about that last night and, of course, blamed me for it although I haven't done anything. He says he is just ready to physically collapse because he doesn't understand what is going on with him and all he wants is to separate for a while so he can have time to think and straighten things out in his mind. As I said, this is not something that I want. I think he has completely lost his mind. I can only stand by and be supportive for so long when he makes it clear that he doesn't want this right now.

As for the other woman, I really can't believe that she would put herself in this position. I find that really poor logic on her part. Husband swears that nothing physically is going on as he does not have those types of feelings for her. But, the long telephone conversations continue. I researched a lot about emotional affairs and I tried to talk to him about that last night but all he says is that she is a good friend who is helping him through a hard time. I can demand that he give up this relationship but I doubt he will. This is someone he deals with at work so he sees her a couple of times a week. I've already lost the relationship so I'm not sure I see the point in demanding that. He won't listen to me at this point in time anyway.


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## Beachgirl42 (Aug 11, 2009)

Well, I demanded that my husband discontinue his emotional affair with this other woman and he said he would not and insists that she is only a friend. Yeah, friend for now. What later? I can't believe that he would choose to continue a friendship with someone he's only known a month rather than choose our 12 year relationship. Any suggestions?


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Beachgirl42 said:


> I would do anything to save this marriage as I believe we are truly meant to be. .



You may need to work less hours, perhaps go to a 40 hour work week with days off the same as he has.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

If you both don't "WORK" on the marriage you can't expect to have one. I see it all the time including mine. Especially with kids we put it all on backburner. If you are wiling to work and he isn't there is no way it can..


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## Beachgirl42 (Aug 11, 2009)

Okay, I do have one thing to admit to everyone. I did something that is probably bad. When my husband said he wasn't willing to end this friendship, I waited a little bit but couldn't resist. I sent a text message to this woman and said "I asked jim to end this emotional affair as it is completely inappropriate. I can't imagine you would allow yourself to be in the middle of a marriage." I guess I was hoping that she would "see the light" and perhaps end the relationship on her own. She, of course, did not respond to me nor was I actually expecting a response from him. It will be interesting to see if she tells my husband about this. So far, 4 1/2 hours later, she has not.


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## QuitaBee (Aug 11, 2009)

Beachgirl42 said:


> Okay, I do have one thing to admit to everyone. I did something that is probably bad. When my husband said he wasn't willing to end this friendship, I waited a little bit but couldn't resist. I sent a text message to this woman and said "I asked jim to end this emotional affair as it is completely inappropriate. I can't imagine you would allow yourself to be in the middle of a marriage." I guess I was hoping that she would "see the light" and perhaps end the relationship on her own. She, of course, did not respond to me nor was I actually expecting a response from him. It will be interesting to see if she tells my husband about this. So far, 4 1/2 hours later, she has not.



I feel you have the right to ask for what you want! But this is gonna get messy and you know it lol!!! I'm sure she will tell him what you said. Only time will tell. In the meantime stick to what oyur doing "moving on". If he says he's done, take that for face value. He has to want to work on the marriage and your right when he does get on his own he'll see its not as easy as you made it look! Everytime I go to my husband's to get the kids it looks like a tornado hit and if that were ME, he'd have a FIT if the house was out of order!


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Any updates?

I would have contacted her as well. But you have to be careful not to create an alliance between them.

I would also ask him to prove that their relationship is only "friendly." Open all emails, texts, etc. Spend time together with her and the two of you.


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## Beachgirl42 (Aug 11, 2009)

Nothing terribly new happening here. I am set to move into my new apartment this Saturday and H is going to help me. Lately he's been getting angry with me feeling as though he's getting screwed because I'm taking the majority of the furniture as I am entitled since my retirement funds paid for it. He tried to place all of the blame for this situation on me. Even his female friend has been distancing herself from him a little bit. He has quickly found out that "our" friends are now "my" friends and that he is not winning any popularity contests right now. Last night was a good night though. We were able to sit and talk civilly. He apologizes for the situation that we are in, constantly reassures me that his female friend is just that; a friend and that no matter what happens he will not "leave me hanging" (financially anyway). I think that realization might be setting in however we both feel that we still have to move forward and separate. 

I've read so many messages about how I should be acting. That I should be limiting my contact with him and that I should get out and do things on my own and show him that I can stand without him. That seemed to backfire this past weekend as he verbally assaulted me when I returned home from an evening with friends. We went to dinner, a jewelry show and then a movie. He called me every name in the book and accused me of being on a date. Well, after 45 minutes of his ranting, he apologized constantly and I found out that he had a run in with someone I know (not sure who) in the grocery store parking lot wanted to kick his a** for hurting me. I am very disappointed in whoever this person was as that behavior was inappropriate and my H doesn't deserve to be treated that way. 

Lately we seem as though we are communicating a lot better and there is less and less hostility. We both agree that when I am completely moved out that it's going to be weird and difficult but I assure him that we will both be fine. He is starting to call me pet names again like Honey and Babe which is an improvement. He even initiates physical contact with me like I go to give him a high five or shake his hand on an agreement we made and he will hold my hand. He has also agreed to counselling with me which is a big step. He had always been hesitant before.

Like I've said in all of my postings, I love this man and am willing to try to work things out but some major changes would have to happen before I would even seriously consider it. In the meantime, I will move to my new apartment with my son, continue working and try to not be lonely. Oh, and I will be helping him move too and to clean out our current home so we can get the deposit back. We are a special kind of couple as we do try to get through these problems without turning into a War of the Roses. We have teenage children that we are honest with about the situation (to a point anyway) and I feel that our being able to communicate and not argue in front of them will help ease this transition.

Anyway, that's all from this end. Thank you everyone for all of your help. It is truly appreciated.


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## Beachgirl42 (Aug 11, 2009)

So, I come home tonight after spending an evening with the girls because I'm supposed to start doing things on my own and detach from him as best I can. Husband is, of course, sleeping at 8:45 p.m. I am scheduled to move into my new place on Saturday. Well, during a conversation with my 15 year old daughter, I find out that my husband is planning on going to the batting cages on Sunday and taking the girls with him. Well, guess who is also going to be there...his female "friend". He still insists that she is only a friend. So why is he trying to continue to hurt me by now introducing our daughters to this other woman. This certainly does not help me feel as though I will ever be able to trust him again. I don't plan on saying anything about this or reacting poorly but all I want to do is spray paint his car with some derogatory phrase!!! Your thoughts?


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## Beachgirl42 (Aug 11, 2009)

Okay so tomorrow is D-Day...the day we officially separate as I am moving out. H is suddenly being as mean to me as humanly possible. Yelling at me, calling me every name in the book and not letting me speak my mind. Wanting me out of the house as soon as possible (Initially, it was Saturday). Why is he doing this? Why does he insist on hurting me even more than he already has? I don't deserve this treatment yet it comes so easy to him.


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## Justawife (Aug 14, 2009)

Beachgirl42 said:


> Okay, I do have one thing to admit to everyone. I did something that is probably bad. When my husband said he wasn't willing to end this friendship, I waited a little bit but couldn't resist. I sent a text message to this woman and said "I asked jim to end this emotional affair as it is completely inappropriate. I can't imagine you would allow yourself to be in the middle of a marriage." I guess I was hoping that she would "see the light" and perhaps end the relationship on her own. She, of course, did not respond to me nor was I actually expecting a response from him. It will be interesting to see if she tells my husband about this. So far, 4 1/2 hours later, she has not.


 Any news Yet?


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

My guess is she isn't setup yet and in her new place. Every relationship has a bottom. Has yours hit it yet?? Mine I believe was when my wife called the cops on me cause I hurt her feelings..


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