# asking for it?



## Anaththeanswer (Oct 4, 2007)

Ok this is a little off, but my fiance and i have been together for 10 months. Now i am a touchy feely kind of individual. Me and my fiance enjoy having sex but it seems like everytime I want to i have to ask about it or something of that nature. I always feel like i am pressuring her into having sex with me and when i ask her about it and tell her i am not going to ask anymore she says no that she doesnt want me to stop asking. But then theres sometimes where i think i am asking too much and that i am going to just annoy her or something. Any help?


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## kajira (Oct 4, 2007)

Romance and communication!!!!!!!!!!


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

First the two of you sounded like me and my wife.

Communicate~Nothing is more important. At first I was reduced to reading m wife's body language. As we learned to communicate better and develope code words "asking" for it became easier.

Set the mood~Most women don't want sex to start in the bed room they want the touch, the kiss, the nibble long before hand. Even cuddling often can turn into more.

Find out what is her limit and learn to know her.

Let her know it is okay for her to romance you too. Most of the time women hate to start it for fear of being turned down. Let's face it why do you think so few women ask men out? They share the same fear men do rejection.

draconis


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## Anaththeanswer (Oct 4, 2007)

yea i understand that but my fiance isnt really like that. She isnt really romantic and its hard for me to be living in a dorm room lol. She really likes my massages and such but thats about it. I asked her why she doesnt like foreplay and she said that she doesnt know she just likes to get down and too the point lol.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Anaththeanswer said:


> yea i understand that but my fiance isnt really like that. She isnt really romantic and its hard for me to be living in a dorm room lol. She really likes my massages and such but thats about it. I asked her why she doesnt like foreplay and she said that she doesnt know she just likes to get down and too the point lol.


Okay here is my thought. It sounds like she was abused young. Most women who are abused young react like this, though I maybe wrong but your last post you hit every one. I had a relationship were the girl wasn't abused but thought less of foreplay. It took a great deal of time and trust to change her mind.

draconis


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## Anaththeanswer (Oct 4, 2007)

well i know that she was definatly not abused. I have met her parents and both have been together for a very long time. Um, not really sure what else to say about that except 100% thats not the case. If that were the case then she would have told me about that by now cuz she has told me a lot about her and i know more than prob her parents do. So, ?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Then I fall back to the second thing I said, I would suggest if you are in for the long haul it will take a great deal of time and patience for it to happen.

Good luck.

draconis


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## Anaththeanswer (Oct 4, 2007)

ok i understand thanks a lot for your help


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## MrsLV (Jul 3, 2007)

She probably doesn't really know her body that much. I know that sounds strange, but a lot of women have sex, but don't really know how to fully understand it and appreciate it. She may just feel more comfortable with you making the first move. I know, sadly, I'm that way. And it's not that I'm uncomfortable or don't know my body (now that I'm 34); it's that my preference is to be the one approached. Sometimes I do make the first move with my husband-but I like being the one pursued. Believe me, if she didn't want you-she'd tell you.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

MrsLV said:


> She probably doesn't really know her body that much. I know that sounds strange, but a lot of women have sex, but don't really know how to fully understand it and appreciate it. She may just feel more comfortable with you making the first move. I know, sadly, I'm that way. And it's not that I'm uncomfortable or don't know my body (now that I'm 34); it's that my preference is to be the one approached. Sometimes I do make the first move with my husband-but I like being the one pursued. Believe me, if she didn't want you-she'd tell you.



You are so right. I talk on several forums. One is a sex/relationship forum and it amazes me that so many women really don't know there body until they are about 30. Even to the point so many have never had an orgasm. Even when they become much more comfortable with themselves most people and more so women don't like rejection.

Additionally most women are not turned on as quickly as men. They want love that leads to other things. Don't expect every time you give her a back rub that means you'll get sex out of it. But women put much more into constant physical contact. Holding hands, a back rub, but most importantly is the kiss. Nothing is as important as the kiss for most women.

There is nothing wrong with romance, as long as it doesn't have expectations attached.

draconis


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## SageMother (Jun 28, 2007)

draconis said:


> Okay here is my thought. It sounds like she was abused young. Most women who are abused young react like this, though I maybe wrong but your last post you hit every one. I had a relationship were the girl wasn't abused but thought less of foreplay. It took a great deal of time and trust to change her mind.
> 
> draconis


The desire for a direct, no nonsense approach isn't a sign of abuse. Not all women want to be touched alot before entering the sex zone.

I suggest you take your time and stay firmly rooted in reality. You live in a dorm, there isn't much privacy, and getting right to it saves time and cuts down the chance of discovery.

It takes time to get into a rythm as a couple and you haven't hit the 10 year mark in a marriage yet. Keep asking, keep watching, keep learning.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

SageMother said:


> The desire for a direct, no nonsense approach isn't a sign of abuse. Not all women want to be touched alot before entering the sex zone.
> 
> I suggest you take your time and stay firmly rooted in reality. You live in a dorm, there isn't much privacy, and getting right to it saves time and cuts down the chance of discovery.
> 
> It takes time to get into a rythm as a couple and you haven't hit the 10 year mark in a marriage yet. Keep asking, keep watching, keep learning.


huh? DId I miss something cuss I completely do not understand your post Sage.

draconis


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Let me better explain what I meant above it was as if you combined me and the original poster into the same persona.

draconis


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Without writing a thesis on something that will make me sick to my stomach here is what I was talking about. The Cognitive Symptoms can include what I thought he might be talking about. As I noted it wasn't a always thing by any means, nor did I mean to imply (if I did) that any victims shared the same issues.

Psychology of molestation

Consequences of Sexual Abuse; Effects of Child Abuse; Symptoms of Child Molestation; Child Sexual Abuse Signs

Often the psychological effects of sexual assault on children are even more profound and severe.
Sexual assault of children can lead to the following: life-long depression, self injury, self-mutilation, Borderline Personality Disorder, Anti-Social Personality Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (which often leads to a reduced corpus callosum), flashbacks, psychotic breaks with reality, alcoholism, substance abuse, promiscuity, celibacy, prostitution, an inability to form intimate relationships, self-hate, guilt, anger (which is often directed inwards as well as outwards), emotional hypersensitivity, defensiveness, a lifelong inability to trust others, emotional numbness, an attraction to partners who are dominant and/or abusive, and general mental deterioration including loss of IQ.

Effects of rape and aftermath - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

The Corsini Encyclopedia of ... - Google Book Search

Cognitive
Symptoms result from vivid sensory imprinting whereby memories are triggered by anything resembling the original traumatic experience and are manifested as cognitive errors relating to perceived threat, predictability and controllability

PTSD in Victims of Sexual Molestation

This study examines same- and other-sex friendship networks and perceptions of peer competence as functions of stigmatization, defined as shame and a self-blame attributional style. Fifty-six sexually abused adolescents were seen at the time of abuse discovery and 1 year later. Higher self-blame attributional style for the abuse was related to more satisfaction with other-sex friends and less satisfaction with same-sex friends. More shame was related to less satisfaction with same-sex friends and to having a larger number of other-sex friends. Higher self-blame attributional style was related to perceptions of poorer peer acceptance and close friendship and to perceptions of poorer romantic appeal. More shame was related to lower perceptions of peer acceptance and close friendship. The results support the idea that abuse victims who experience higher levels of shame and self-blame attributional style feel less capable of forming satisfying relationships with peers, friends, and potential romantic partners. 

Stigmatization and the Development of Friendship and Romantic Relationships in Adolescent Victims of Sexual Abuse -- Feiring et al. 5 (4): 311 -- Child Maltreatment

Psychiatric treatment of sexually abused children and adolescents Marvasti JA Children 

draconis


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## lovemywife (Oct 10, 2007)

Thank you for that post draconis 
I'll be doing some reading tonight , my wife is a victim of both child sexual abuse , and rape . as you know by prevous posts . our sexual relationship is exsistant , just not imtimately maybe this will help me understand what she's going throuh a little more


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