# I need a man's advice on home repairs.



## jelwipw (Jul 25, 2012)

The biggest issue in my marriage is my husband neglecting our house and not doing the necessary repairs for our children's safety and I have started nagging because it's been a year since any work has been done. Things like the flooring, we have no doors, and no electrical socket covers which isn't good with toddlers. If I ask too much he says I'm nagging. If I don't ask he doesn't do it. If I ask nicely he "forgets". He only works 20 hours a week at a desk job and does help his dad fix up his house while our children are unsafe in ours. We can't hire anyone because we are broke. But we do have all of the supplies we need. Oh and now he's started work hours a week on his dirtbike while our kids are stuck in the house all day because the grass is seriously almost as tall as them. I need advice to get things done. I can't do it all by myself. What exactly do I do? I already do all of the childcare and housework and painting by myself. I actually did almost all of the painting 8 months pregnant because he would say he was going to but he'd actually sleep. Btw I'm not pregnant now. 
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jelwipw said:


> The biggest issue in my marriage is my husband neglecting our house and not doing the necessary repairs for our children's safety and I have started nagging because it's been a year since any work has been done. Things like the flooring, we have no doors, and no electrical socket covers which isn't good with toddlers. If I ask too much he says I'm nagging. If I don't ask he doesn't do it. If I ask nicely he "forgets". He only works 20 hours a week at a desk job and does help his dad fix up his house while our children are unsafe in ours. We can't hire anyone because we are broke. But we do have all of the supplies we need. Oh and now he's started work hours a week on his dirtbike while our kids are stuck in the house all day because the grass is seriously almost as tall as them. I need advice to get things done. I can't do it all by myself. What exactly do I do? I already do all of the childcare and housework and painting by myself. I actually did almost all of the painting 8 months pregnant because he would say he was going to but he'd actually sleep. Btw I'm not pregnant now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


how old are your children?


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## jelwipw (Jul 25, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> how old are your children?


1&3. I'm 20 and my husbands 24.
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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I would say he doesn't want to do it. Your "nagging" isn't really nagging...it's practically requests. He sees it as nagging because he doesn't care.

When my husband started checking out of our marriage, he checked out of doing things around the house too. He just didn't care. I didn't nag, I just did it all myself. BUT it was a red flag I didn't catch on.

Is your husband invested? Does he spend time and put you guys first? Besides this stuff, how is your marriage?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jelwipw,

He's in school too right?

Do you work outside the home? I don't recall.


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## turkish (Jun 24, 2012)

When you say "Electrical socket covers" do you mean the little white caps that go in the socket? If so, don't bother. They create more danger than they prevent. May sound silly but believe me. I am an electrician so have an idea of what I'm talking about.

As for your husband failing to do work around the house, maybe it will take you to get a tradesmen in to do a few of the cheaper bits of work, then maybe tell him how much you would like to see him do the work on your own house and how proud of him you would be or something along them lines. Give him the opportunity first, by asking him to do a specific job and if after a couple of weeks still nothing, get a tradesmen or two round to give you a few qoutes. This will at least make him realise you are serious about wanting it done.
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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

He sounds kind of self-indulgent and lazy.No excuse for his kids being unsafe and you painting the place at 8 months.I agree with turkish and you really need to know what you're doing to work on the electrical.How close are you with his dad,maybe if you talked to him about your concerns about his grandchildren he might motivate his son to get off his duff.


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## camihuml (Jul 23, 2012)

Trade him in for a new model.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

No cover plates on the outlets? Put them on yourself, only a small screw or two...Turk's idea is good too, call someone to give estimates on some of the work. Start the lawn mower leave it run in front of the house, maybe that will get his attention. 

I don't know what it is with young men who don't keep up with there end of family chores....don't cook his dinner or wash his clothes


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

anchorwatch said:


> I don't know what it is with young men who don't keep up with there end of family chores....don't cook his dinner or wash his clothes


I think it all starts in the home... Dad's need to groom their sons -that they have firm responsibilites when they marry...in taking care of Home repairs.... 

This husband is still acting like a Teen living at home with daddy playing with his Dirt bike -allowing his grass to turn into a jungle & ignoring these home repairs, not terribly extensive it sounds -but yet something the man should be doing -over the wife -just because. Just as the Stay at Home wife should be cooking & cleaning while her husband is at work...or she would be slacking too, we all need to do our parts. Leisure comes after getting our house in order...to keep the family happy & content... the more one allows these things to pile up, the greater stress will be in the marraige. 

His dad is allowing him to help him at his house -but turns a blind eye to his son's house falling apart... or maybe he has no idea of the contention. (probably not) 

I'd likely be nagging too...I'd do the outlet covers myself though, that is a sinch! But the doors ! How about offering a relative or a neighbor something in return for a little help to get the ball rolling... maybe that will put a flame under his butt... it should. It is only a sign of the future. His motivation for a decent safe environment for his family should be of a higher priority than near anything. It is a lack of maturity for sure.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I think it all starts in the home... Dad's need to groom their sons -that they have firm responsibilites when they marry...in taking care of Home repairs....
> 
> This husband is still acting like a Teen living at home with daddy playing with his Dirt bike -allowing his grass to turn into a jungle & ignoring these home repairs, not terribly extensive it sounds -but yet something the man should be doing -over the wife -just because. Just as the Stay at Home wife should be cooking & cleaning while her husband is at work...or she would be slacking too, we all need to do our parts. Leisure comes after getting our house in order...to keep the family happy & content... the more one allows these things to pile up, the greater stress will be in the marraige.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

SA, your absolutely right. I had many a young man come to work for me. When they wouldn't show up or come in late, I thought to myself didn't their fathers teach them to get out of bed in the morning. Then I had to be the bad guy and teach them that if they had to support a family, they'd better get to work or they wouldn't pay their bills. It's terrible that the OP has to do what his father didn't.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> :iagree:
> 
> SA, your absolutely right. I had many a young man come to work for me. When they wouldn't show up or come in late, I thought to myself didn't their fathers teach them to get out of bed in the morning. Then I had to be the bad guy and teach them that if they had to support a family, they'd better get to work or they wouldn't pay their bills. It's terrible that the OP has to do what his father didn't.


Hmmm yeah... My old man would go into my room and beat on the wall with his big paw. That was wake up. No "just a little while longer dad" crap. We would be up in seconds.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Are you renting or own the home? If you are renting, some of those problems are the landlord's responsibility.

You might be surprised how many "little" things you can repair yourself. Home repair doesn't have to be gender specific. The internet is a wonderful source of "how to" on most home projects. The yard is a great place to start. I do all of the yard work and love it. It allows me to show my creativity. 

You may want to try bartering with someone on the bigger projects in your house though. If I'm not mistaken, Craig's List used to have a barter section. Perhaps you have skills you could offer in exchange for work. And once you have someone working, watch them and learn. Many workmen are more than happy to show you how to do things. For example, I took an interest in the dry wall people's work. Before they left, I had learned the basics of hanging and finishing sheetrock. Also, the tile layers and A/C people taught me a lot.

Unfortunately, I think your problems are much bigger than home repair. You are married to a child, so you have three children. Perhaps counseling can help.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

anchorwatch said:


> :iagree:
> 
> SA, your absolutely right. I had many a young man come to work for me. When they wouldn't show up or come in late, I thought to myself didn't their fathers teach them to get out of bed in the morning. Then I had to be the bad guy and teach them that if they had to support a family, they'd better get to work or they wouldn't pay their bills. It's terrible that the OP has to do what his father didn't.


You know it. 

Irresponsibilty seems to be growing in this society... Some are too "spoiled" and some grow up feeling "entitled"....enemies of personal responsibility. My parents were tough on me, didn't like it so much at the time, I think they even went a little overboard .... but yet, I took the good from the lessons. 

I don't do everything for my sons... Oh no.. they have to DO for themselves... this is GOOD for their future, their wives will thank me.... If they forget something at home cause they didn't take the time to menally plan....... OH well... we ain't going back. We don't live around their mess ups... They learn to conform to the program or they get left behind. I allow them to suffer their own consequences. 

We will give them warnings of what will BE.....and their ain't no blaming anyone else if they screw it up... this usually is enough, thankfully...to spur them in the right direction. 

I can be tough, their dad is even a little easier on them than me. 

If I was an Employer, It would be WISE to look well beyond an interview, anyone can talk it up good....sometimes the best talkers are the worst workers... Their credit and their FB would be scrutinized -gotta be choosey today. It is too hard to get rid of the slackers after the fact...If in a Union job, God help you. 

My husband got his 1st job at 16, worked there for 18 yrs straight...probably called off less than 5 times...late... maybe once in his life due to a snow storm. This is the example my boys are raised with. 

Handy man... he's the best. Anything that is even questionable in "safety" -he's on it. I have never had to resort to "nagging" with him -cause he puts the action behind the request, I try to help him too.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I went back through your threads to refresh my memory. If you keep creating new threads you need to repeat some basic info in each threat because most people cannot take the time to go back and reread all of your other threads.

Relationship: 6 years 
Ages: You 20, him 24, children 1 & 3
You: SAHM. Start nursing school 8/2012.
Him: Works 20 hours a week, attends college 10 hours a week, has to study 30 hours a week. Thus his weekly work/study load is 60 hours week.

Please put that in your profile or your signature block so that people know this and you don’t have to keep answering the same questions over and over. I wish that people here would do that.

One of the problems on this forum is that we generally only get one side of the story.

What is your husband studying in school? What degree is he working on?

You say that he works at a 'desk job' 4 hours and day and is in school 2 hours a day. So your husband's work load is 20 hours at work. 10 hours in class. 30 hours of study. 

That's a 60 hour work week for him. 

He is supporting you and the children right?

Your husband is not lazy. He’s sounds like a hard worker. Yes he does need to step up and take more responsibility around the house, with the children and repair his relationship with you. But he’s not a lazy person.

I’m getting the impression that he is feeling that you do not appreciate him so he has little reason to want to be around you and help. 

You are both young. The human brain does not even finish developing until age 26. Yet the two of you have taken on a lot at a very young age. Divorce is extremely high for women who marry under the age of 25 and men who marry under the age of 30. You can see why. You are living it.

Your marriage is not a lost cause. The two of you just need to find a way to get through this tough period. It’s going to get to be even harder once you are in school if the two of you don’t iron this out quickly. 

I can see why he might feel like not being around you. You minimize what he does do.

When was the last time you showed appreciation for what he does do?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *EleGirl said*: You say that he works at a 'desk job' 4 hours and day and is in school 2 hours a day. So your husband's work load is 20 hours at work. 10 hours in class. 30 hours of study.
> 
> That's a 60 hour work week for him.
> 
> ...


 WOW, if this is all the truth, there sure was ALOT left out, that makes a heck of a difference in MY book too, as my husband would say .... "I am only one man".... 

Yeah.. he sounds "swamped" the way EleGirl layed this scenerio out !

Always important for us to recognize the work & stress load on the other , some words of *appreciation* & *affirmation* for all that he IS doing for the family....may go a long way in motivating him to want to do even more.


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## jelwipw (Jul 25, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I went back through your threads to refresh my memory. If you keep creating new threads you need to repeat some basic info in each threat because most people cannot take the time to go back and reread all of your other threads.
> 
> Relationship: 6 years
> Ages: You 20, him 24, children 1 & 3
> ...


He's supposed to study but he doesn't at all. And no he doesn't support us or pay our bills. His father does. He is going for mechanical enginnering. I try to make it a point to tell him I'm proud of him and to cook his favorite foods and pretty much anything he would ask I would do. It's just hard and I can understand how he feels. I don't get a break either between the kids and house work. I don't even get sleep because I'm up most of the night nursing our youngest. I know I nag and over react and I know it is because of the stress that's put on me and I haven't figured out 100% how to deal with it because I have forced myself to grow up so fast. I feel jealous of him a lot because he's able to do things he wants to do while I can't even go pee alone haha. We talked about it today and so far I feel a lot better and I have made it a point to be more understanding and to not nag. I feel so much better.
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jelwipw said:


> He's supposed to study but he doesn't at all.


Your husband is getting a degree in mechanical engineering and he does not study????? 

There are fluff degrees that a smart person can float through. Mechanical engineering in not one of them. I’m an engineer. I’m surrounded by them. I have a sister and a brother who are mechanical engineers. My son is currently working on his degree in physics and engineering. I know the kind of effort it takes to get a degree in mechanical engineering. He’s either flunking or he’s studying. 

Maybe that’s one of the reasons he spends a lot of time at his dad’s. It’ might be hard to study at your house with the kids and an upset wife.



jelwipw said:


> And no he doesn't support us or pay our bills. His father does. He is going for mechanical engineering.


The 20 hour a week job sounds like your husband has a work study job. Does he get financial aid.. like Pell Grants, student loans, etc? If not why not?

What does he so with the income from his job? What about any grants, loans, etc that he gets?



jelwipw said:


> I try to make it a point to tell him I'm proud of him and to cook his favorite foods and pretty much anything he would ask I would do. It's just hard and I can understand how he feels. I don't get a break either between the kids and house work.


You are an adult. You are responsible for your own happiness, your own sanity. Yes you need some help. But you are married to a man who is working on a degree that will give all of you a very good lifestyle once he’s done.

You chose to get into a long term relationship at 14. You chose to have children very young. Now you have to woman up to the challenges that you created.

If your marriage breaks up you will have to do this anyway. And right now it’s not looking good for the two of you.

If you need a break you can create breaks. Here are some ideas on how to do this. Find other women with small children and take turns watching each other’s children. Or find a church mom’s day out program that will allow you some time away from the children. Take your children to a park where they can play and you can walk around… the sunlight and exercise will do you a lot of good.

Can you find $20 a month for a gym to go work out? Eat beans and rice (whole grain) a few times a week to get the money to do this. A lot of them have child care facilities so you can go work out. Meet other moms who are doing the same thing.

Do you have any family who want to spend time with their grandchildren or nieces/nephews? If your husband’s mother around? Is yours?


jelwipw said:


> I don't even get sleep because I'm up most of the night nursing our youngest.


You are starting nursing school next month but you are still nursing a 1 year old? How do you intend to pull that off?


jelwipw said:


> I know I nag and over react and I know it is because of the stress that's put on me and I haven't figured out 100% how to deal with it because I have forced myself to grow up so fast.


I think that this is the crux of it all. You are in over your head and lashing out. 


jelwipw said:


> I feel jealous of him a lot because he's able to do things he wants to do while I can't even go pee alone haha.


Yep, I know how that goes; the wonders of motherhood.

We talked about it today and so far I feel a lot better and I have made it a point to be more understanding and to not nag. I feel so much better.[/QUOTE]
Good. You are the one here looking for help so you are the one people are going to tell to change things. This is a step in the right direction.

Start looking for how you are going to change to handle all the responsibilities that you have and still take care of yourself. 

If your husband does not help you out right now do not complain to him. But you can do things to lessen your load..

What sort of things do you do for your husband? Do you do his laundry?


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## docj (Jun 18, 2009)

Jelwipw.......check your email
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