# Was in a sexless/resentful marriage now Im confused



## JustAJerk12 (Jun 9, 2015)

Hello All,
this is my first post.

Here is the situation:
I am 34, she is 34. we met at 22 and have been together 12 years. I am the man in the relationship. 
When we met she had a 2 year old who is now 14. We dated 5 years and have now been married 7.
for the first 4 years our relationship was amazing. we just had so much love. Only problem was she never trusted me. I came from a broken home and was abandoned by my mother at 12. I lived with my dad the rest of my life until 22. When I met my wife, being from a broken homem, I really did every thing to make the relationship work. It was my first and only relationship of any significance. I gave her everything and she took all that she could get. She bought our first home without me before we were married, but she needed me to pay the mortgage. I went along with it because i wanted to make her happy no matter what and keep my our "family" together. I knew it was a bad idea but did it anyway. 2 years later due to the economy we foreclosed and the $50+k I had invested into the home was lost. Que the inital resentment from me. Around the same time, 4 years into our relatinship the sex stopped or at least was greatly reduced. No oral sex and only I had initated the sex from here on out. I had no clue why. I aked her and she said her previous boyfriend had abused her and she didnt want to talk about it. I pushed for her to see a therapist but ultimately left it alone. I figured if I made her happy she would come around. She started asking for more things. She wanted a BMW, I got it. She wanted an SUV, I got it for her. But i began to wonder if this was right for me. she guilted me for everthing. just spending 30$ at the bar to watch football on sunday was a problem. She was very insecure and I wanted to make her happy, so I never went out. If I spent any money she would complain. If I went out she would complain and guilt me for it. Que our second home. It was an hour away from any of my family/framiliarity and not really what I wanted. But to make her happy I did it. More resent. then she wanted a dog, i said no dog, come home one day and we have a dog. Then she says she wants another child. plus when i wanted a child you said no, but now that you want a child its ok?? Ok but how can we do that, we dont really have much sex? she says 4 days a month I ovulate, we will have sex 4 days a month! That was the joke around the house, I only get it 4 days a month. more resent. after our first child TOGETHER the sex stopped almost 100%. Only I initated and she was NEVER enthusiastic about it. Then I tell her I want to have a son soon after the birth of our first child together, she says no way. I dont want another child, I want breast implants. OK if it will make her happy and more secure with me sexually, done, breast implants it is. no second child for me, im ok with that as long as you are happy and smiling. fast forward 3 years and we are about to be out of diapers and daycare and I have become content with the fact I wont be having anynmore children. She asks for another child. I say no. She says fine, If i cant have a child i want a second home at the beach. I say ok. And sign the paper work and get her a beach house. then not long after she tells me she is pregnant. so it looks like we are having another child no matter what. more resent. the one time a month we have sex and she gets pregnant. now I am under more pressure to make ends meet. 

Point to the story is now I am fed up. I resent her so much that I am not even attracted to her anymore. I love her like a sister. I am thinking of seperation because i cant get over reset, i feel like i gave her all of my indepence and my 20's for her happiness and I feel like the most unhappy person ever. 

What to do? any advice would be welcome. I have this yearning to get away from her controlling ways so that I can live my own life but there are 3 children invloved. Im just lost. any advice?


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

I think you should just go be honest with her. You could have said no to all the other things but you gave in. You helped create this mess. I would tell her you want happiness in the marriage too. I would also sell the second home. There would be no way I would kill myself and not feel like I was getting what I wanted out of the marriage. I already did that once with my xW. I will not ever repeat that mistake again. Sex is important in a relationship and when its used as a tool people do get hurt. I would offer counceling and try to work things out but on the other side of this I would start selling things and "No" would be a new word in the house as long as there was a problem in the bedroom. 

Clay


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## JustAJerk12 (Jun 9, 2015)

Clay2013 said:


> I think you should just go be honest with her. You could have said no to all the other things but you gave in. You helped create this mess. I would tell her you want happiness in the marriage too. I would also sell the second home. There would be no way I would kill myself and not feel like I was getting what I wanted out of the marriage. I already did that once with my xW. I will not ever repeat that mistake again. Sex is important in a relationship and when its used as a tool people do get hurt. I would offer counceling and try to work things out but on the other side of this I would start selling things and "No" would be a new word in the house as long as there was a problem in the bedroom.
> 
> Clay


Good advice Clay. Thank you. We have been to counsling and I have tried talking with her and everytime after a few weeks/months the situation returns to status quo. You are correct, I could have said no to all of those things and possibly avoided the situation. In fact I have said no in the past, but my wife grew up very spoiled and invetiably the No's turn to Yes's from me. She tends to get what she wants. My problem is I though saying YES would correlate into solving our bedroom problems, but that never seemed to be the case. 
I honestly think my attitude has become so unhappy that I dont want to try anymore. IN fact we have seen two marriage counsolers and the second said, "this is a waste of time unless his attitude changes"


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

So what is your plan? Are you thinking you will try to talk to one more time or are you thinking its just best to start preparing for divorce? 

I think before you do anything I would really start scaling back on the finances. Once you start talking to her about divorce things could turn horrible in a minute and you would be stuck working yourself to death regardless. 

Clay


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## JustAJerk12 (Jun 9, 2015)

We have started talking about seperation and she seems to be upset about it but receptive. 
As far as finances go, I have looked into child support and it would cost me about 1700 a month and i told her we could sell the beach house and split all of our accounts 50/50. she is not a malicious person so this seems to be a viable option. She says I need to find myself and find what makes me happy with or without her. I am just affraid that I will ultiamtlety regret the decision.

I honestly am scared to death about the situation and getting out of a 12 year comfort zone, but I am affraid if I dont at least try a seperation to see what it feels like I will be unhappy for as long as we are married. I have a buddy that will temporarily rent me his basement for 500 a month and she says she would never stop me from seeing the kids because I am a great father. She has set a precedent for this in the past with her last childs father and has never spoken bad about him or stopped him from seeing his child. 

I am at a cross roads and am not sure here to go. I feel like i can still find happiness at a relativly young age of 34 but just scared to death. I love her but there is no passion or attraction. like literally I have harbored so much resent ment for so long and been rejected so many times I CANT get fully erect with her in bed.  She now says she is willing to do anything to keep me includuing more sex and less control, but I have heard this before, tried, and it always reverts back to the same thing within a few weeks to a month.

I just wish there was a silver bullet to either fix it or show me what the best decison would be. She has made all the decisons for the last 12 years so it stand to reason I cant make this decison.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Well sometimes you need to put it all on the line to really wake people up. It is really good that you already have opened a dialog with her on this. Maybe you could do a trial separation to see how things might work out. I do understand about not wanting to shake the tree but keep in mind your young. There are other women out there and there is nothing wrong with being good parents while not being a couple. 

Hopefully she will change but I am like you. I seriously doubt it. You learn alot about people when they get comfortable. She is the way she is and the only real way she is going to change is if she wants to change. Maybe the thought of loosing you might start her on that path. 

Take your time in what ever you decide to do. The best decisions I ever made are the ones I took my time on. 

On a positive note its good she is not just blaming you for things and she is interested in fixing things. Its a start.

Clay


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

JAJ, have you read many other threads on TAM? I am thinking specifically of Anon111's thread in SIM "Hold Me While I Read This Book", but there are others like it. What you will see is that when the original poster (OP) begins to make changes, the entire marriage changes. Anon111 is a man, there is a thread in Private by a man who is also making big changes, and there are a few threads by women in other sections (look for current threads by Ella, for instance.)

Your wife sounds very difficult and I can understand why you have so much resentment. It is possible that your marriage can't be saved. Whether or not it can be saved, there are a lot of changes that you can make, for you, that will serve you well in future relationships. 

When I read things like "She made all the decisions for 12 years so it stands to reason that I can't make this one," well, to me, this is you blaming your wife for your inability to make a decision. Truthfully, a great many people have a very hard time with this decision, it is agonizing for most people. It has nothing to do with your wife. 

Same thing here: "In fact I have said no in the past, but my wife grew up very spoiled and inevitably the No's turn to Yes's from me. She tends to get what she wants. My problem is I though saying YES would correlate into solving our bedroom problems, but that never seemed to be the case. " To me, this is you blaming your wife for your inability to say, and maintain, a No, plus an admission that you were using "covert contracts", which don't work.

The thing is- it is actually very human and in some ways, normal to do blame one's spouse. I've done it a thousand times and it is still often my immediate reaction, before my brain and logic kick in. I learned about covert contracts through my own experience with co-dependency; many guys learn about it on TAM and recommend a book called "No More Mr. Nice Guy."

I guess what I am trying to say is, what you are experiencing isn't too far from the TAM norm. I think it's admirable that you are pausing and wondering whether this is the right thing to do. It might be. It might not. I recommend that you give yourself a set time, maybe 6 months, maybe a year. Read more here. Read Anon's thread (it is long but worth it.) It shows real-time major personal and marital improvement. Post a thread in SIM or General or Men's, with your own personal challenge towards self-improvement. It may or may not improve your marriage but it will certainly change things. 

What's another 6 or 8 months? It is six more months of spending each night with your kids. It will get you through the holiday season. It might change everything for you. You still might end up getting divorced, but YOU will be different. And if there is any chance to save your marriage and keep your family intact, you will need to make changes. (Your wife would need to make changes too, but you are here and just by your changes, the marriage will change.)


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

> the one time a month we have sex and she gets pregnant


DNA test?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Just,
Your first assignment is to read 'no more mister nice guy'. 

Don't waste any time. Buy and read the book. It WILL help you. 

For the moment STOP talking about the marriage and divorce Or separation. But START going out with your friends twice a week. 

NO drinking. If you want to go to the bar / pub to watch a game that is fine. But given your bad mental state you need to avoid the combo of alcohol and places with single women. 

Don't 'discuss' this with your wife. Just nicely let her know ahead of time when you will be going out with friends. Let h know that if she has an emergency she can call, and for non emergency she can text you. 


=JustAJerk12;12868921]We have started talking about seperation and she seems to be upset about it but receptive. 
As far as finances go, I have looked into child support and it would cost me about 1700 a month and i told her we could sell the beach house and split all of our accounts 50/50. she is not a malicious person so this seems to be a viable option. She says I need to find myself and find what makes me happy with or without her. I am just affraid that I will ultiamtlety regret the decision.

I honestly am scared to death about the situation and getting out of a 12 year comfort zone, but I am affraid if I dont at least try a seperation to see what it feels like I will be unhappy for as long as we are married. I have a buddy that will temporarily rent me his basement for 500 a month and she says she would never stop me from seeing the kids because I am a great father. She has set a precedent for this in the past with her last childs father and has never spoken bad about him or stopped him from seeing his child. 

I am at a cross roads and am not sure here to go. I feel like i can still find happiness at a relativly young age of 34 but just scared to death. I love her but there is no passion or attraction. like literally I have harbored so much resent ment for so long and been rejected so many times I CANT get fully erect with her in bed.  She now says she is willing to do anything to keep me includuing more sex and less control, but I have heard this before, tried, and it always reverts back to the same thing within a few weeks to a month.

I just wish there was a silver bullet to either fix it or show me what the best decison would be. She has made all the decisons for the last 12 years so it stand to reason I cant make this decison.[/QUOTE]


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## JustAJerk12 (Jun 9, 2015)

Update****

So this week she has seen me unhappy and finally she said if you are unhappy them move out. I said "enough"! So I have a buddy 2 streets over who is a bachelor and said he would rent me his basement for a resonable price. I told her I was gonna go for a month. SHe said fine. 

The first night was horrible. But in the morning she sent me email after email saying, "OMG i have seen the err of my ways."

I see that you have been asking for simple changes and respect for years and i was blind to it. I see that independence is key and that I should be willing to offer independence and give you the respect of at least listening to your opinions when it comes to major decisons. Then is a wierd twist she said lets try this seperation for 2 weeks, see what we learn and then reconviene. 

She seemed very recieptive to it all. I know from now on I need to "do me" sort of speak and no more mr nice guy. get what I want out of life and let the chips fall where they may. I also have to admit I have LOVED the freedom the last few days. its an incedible feeling.

AND BTW.. my kid looks just like me and I have no doubt in my mind about my wifes faithfullness. She is a really good woman. NOW mine on the other hand... :/


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

Just,

I am glad that the move has worked out so far, and to see that you're going to check out the book. Keep your self-improvement in mind, it's something to do for YOU, not for your wife. 

Did you two discuss dating (specifically the lack thereof) during the separation? Separation is risky because she, too, might be enjoying the freedom. Is she saying that you two should stay away from each other these next two weeks entirely? Can you set up some great dates during this time? Do you have a game plan?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

While her response is a step, I am concerned about what I am hearing from you. It sounds (and please correct me if I am wrong) that her admission is giving you a pass to not have to focus on and improve yourself. Am I misreading that?


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