# Should I leave?



## It's Automatic (Apr 7, 2010)

Hi, I'm hoping to find some outside perspective.

My DH and I are both in our early 30's and have been married for 5 years. We are from different countries, and we live in his country. I also have a pre-teen child who is a stepson to my DH. Our cultural differences are not too drastic, we are both "Westerners." We met on the internet, and he came to visit me in my country and we married here. Then we moved to his country. We had some important things in common like religious views, views on family life and committment, and so on. One thing we differed on was political views, but he gave no indication to me that this would be a problem and I felt no reason to make it one.

The reason for this separation was emotional abuse, I lived in fear of emotional pain and fighting all the time. 

When I first arrived after we got married, he would have yelling rants about politics. These rants were attacking my views, and my home country, with a lot of yelling and anger. At first I tried to defend my views and country, but it would only make him more angry. I found this really disturbing. One weekend, he was so angry about my home country that he sent my mom some emails saying he would fight against my country no matter what. I learned that I mostly had to endure this in silence because the escalation in his anger if I said the wrong thing was too much.

He had some reasons to be unhappy with me, but he handled it in ways that were abusive. Once I fugured out what he was unhappy about, I took steps to change it. It was mainly housework issues. I was home for a period, while he was working. I was new to the country and language. Before we married, he knew I was messy and said that was fine. Since he knew and said it was fine, I didn't do very much housework. I had no idea of his expectations. He never tried to talk to me about it, and instead started to yell at me about it. I did more and more housework, but never enough. I just was not used to his standards, and he has a fear of becoming allergic to dust and getting asthma. 

Besides that, he constantly criticized the way I did things. Some things were due to small differences in the new country, some just his preference. At ne point, he told me I was not allowed to keep ice in trays in the freezer, because he felt it used extra energy. Another time, I was forbidden to have any chlorine bleach around. Also, I didn't put the lid on the pot when cooking, had the burner too high, etc etc.

On top of this, his job was not really high paying, but we comfortably lived and paid our bills. It caused some friction, but was not our main problem. At this time, we had a joint bank account.

All this conflict adversely affected my language studies and energy levels. He could not see his role in making my studies more difficult. There were so many days where I was sick from lack of sleep and crying and fighting in the night or morning. He was also unhappy that I am not big on a lot of physical outdoor activities. I went on antidepressants, which further sapped my energy.

My son was left out of all of this, but of course had to witness it. I knew this was also horrible for him.

The second summer, my mom came to visit and stayed with us. My DH did NOT improve his treatment of me in my mom's presence. Interstingly, he has never mistreated me in front of his own parents, though. She had a talk with me and made me see more clearly that I was being abused. 

After she left, I went to the shelter. I felt such relief to be there, and have peace. We had at this time been married 2 years. While I was in the shelter, I decided it had to be over between us and got a new apartment for my child and I. 

After I left him, he was on best behavior, and I kept seeing him. For 8 months, we were separated. He was great all that time, had admitted he was wrong, promised to not repeat it, etc.

After we moved back together, things were good for around a year or a year and a half. He did start blaming me for leaving him and all the pain I caused him after a while. 

Now, the way he talks about it, it's like he had NO blame in my leaving him. We have tried 3 different counsellors, all of which we had to quit because he didn't like them. 

Also after moving back with him, we kept our separate bank accounts. I have a very small income, while he has qhite a lot of savings. I pay for all our groceries during the week, and he usually pays for them on the weekends. I think this is pretty fair, but he gets irritated and asks me to pay on weekends too sometimes. He pays most of the bills, but almost every time he does, he gets angry. When I have a big expense coming up, he gets angry and tells me I have to pay it myself. Right now, I am struggling to come up with the money for my residence permit, which needs to be renewed. He is generous about some things too, though. 

I am also about to start school and he gets angry about that and tells me I should get a job instead. If we had no other marital problems, I might do that but I think I need to go to school so I can be more self-sufficient. School here is free and I will get more income while in school too.

The housework has finally reached his standard, mostly.

We have had a couple or recent fights where he tore me apart as a person, making me looks like a horrible person. Then later he says he didn't mean it.

I am unhappy though and really cannot imagine spending the rest of my life like this. I am happiest when he is away at work, and do not look forward to the weekends. I relish any extra time he is away from home. I do not look forward to him coming home. I fantasize about being in the shelter again, about being alone, about other men, etc.

I think it's time for me to move on, but I'm scared. I know that this time, if I leave him, it has to be final. He already blames me for the first time. I won't take that a second time. 

Please, I have very few people to talk to about my situation and I need it! I guess it sounds obvious that I should leave, but tell me if I'm wrong!


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## ADM (Apr 12, 2010)

Nobody can tell you what to do, you have to figure it out by yourself but just consider first, consider all options you have and do it right.

I see you are dealing with e typical manipulative man. One can easily see it is a verbally abusive relationship, that's why you are scared, but don't feel nor scared or guilty. Just envision how your life gets when you do what you feel like doing and compare it to the one you live now...and decide. Once the decision has been made, the rest comes by itself. Of course, it won't be easy in the beginning but soon enough you will realise you can do better.

Good luck and keep your faith that the single owner of your life is YOU and none can take it away of you.


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## It's Automatic (Apr 7, 2010)

Thanks, yeah, just writing this out helped me realize it's the right choice.

I think I do need to take it slowly and plan well, though. I fantasize of being on my own with my kid, doing things the way I want, free from criticism.

I am having a lot of anxiety, acting like everything is fine at home. I don't want and can't cope with any big fights. This seems to mess with my mind a little. 

I get pangs of guilt, I am giving no warning to him, I don't think I can afford to. I know I'll have to stay in the shelter until living arrangements are arranged, I can't live with him while breaking up, I know this.

I also worry he will break and destroy a few things. He did this last time. 

I will take all family albums that are mine, important papers, ugh... I wonder if I should try to take more than that, of things that are mine.

Ok sorry for rambling, but thanks, ADM!


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## ADM (Apr 12, 2010)

Just by not doing same things you used to do before means you have already taken steps to change. Juts don't be scare. Being precarious doesn't mean you fer him. Probably you are putting your energies in the right place now in weighting things as you said instead of fighting with him. You have already gone through this experience once so you know well what expects you so plan well and don't lose your temper or patience. You will get where you want. If anything bad happens, report it, it will save you lots of trouble later.

Good luck and keep us posted!


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## It's Automatic (Apr 7, 2010)

In the shelter now, scared, stressed, having panic attacks. I went to the doctor for it, hopefully will improve.

This is hell.


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