# Marriage issues or a sign of him wanting a quick out???...Please help



## hope01 (Sep 8, 2008)

Hello All...

I am new on this site as a poster, I have had a not so easy marriage, as most people have. However, I think we've come to a point where with all the stress of life (married 13 years), I feel that my husband has reached a point in his life where he wants out and seems to be acting out in odd ways.This is a bit lengthy but a necessary story to start for you to understand....

We recently went to a wedding, and he was one of the groomsmen. During this time, I knew he had to take part in all the photo sessions etc. as needed. I stayed on the side lines waiting til he was done. When he was, and we were to meet at the lobby of the reception, he was absolutely different. I mean he saw me and did not even come towards me, and did not even approach me, instead he walked about talking to the other groomsmen, who were a lot younger than he was (his brother was the groom 12 years his junior) ...Not necessarily the issue.... but by the time we were getting ready to enter the reception hall... he came by and stood by me... and his posture was as if he didnt even know me... very stiff ,, holding a drink and looking about the sourroundings, it was so bizarre. I was talking to him about something, and he would answer very rigidly like he was avoiding people to see he was talking to me or even associated with me HIS WIFE!
Ofcourse I felt awful and confronted yhim with this, instead he lashed back saying that I give him too much drama and saying it's my fault! I'm too much for him, and now he does not know if he wants to keep the marriage going, or that he if he even feels anything for me.Just like that!

We've argued before but it's never gone down such length of ending the marriage... this time, he was adement that HE feels nothign for me.... 

For years, I know that he's somewhat recented our early marriage at 25 years old, we notw have 2 children, and have struggled to make things work. This recent occurance, along with the way he was acting seems like he was trying to walk about like he was single and did not really want to sit with me for people to see he was married, which was ridiculous because 90% of the guests, knew he was, so no real secret there.

To me I feel like it's some sort of phase? Is he wanting the freedom from it all? The life issues, marriage, kids? I don't know, but the months prior, he's spend a lot of time with his brother and other single friends, so I am thinking maybe this was the key to it? Did he now realize he missed out on that life?

We talked more about it, and basically I proposed to try and work on our relationship, and all he did was blame ME for everything, even how he pretty much ignored me during that wedding.... he again brought up that I was over acting, making drama, etc. And said he's not even sure if he feels anything for me because of it...

I am left in the dark wondering why this is a cause for him to want to end the relationship? Why is he all of a sudden so sure to do it now? I don't think he's cheating on me or having an affair, becasue aside form work, where they are mostly men, he's home. 

Is this a phase? I just called to inquire about counselling inhopes to clarify our issues, but I don't even know if he has any need for that? Our last argument became very verbal and even physical sue to anger. It was not bad, but just a lot of shoving and getting in my face. 

I'm so confused. Why is he all of a sudden acting this way,and it's very obvious, but he can't awknowledge he is even doing that.

And now he basically told me he has no feeligns for me and doesn't think holding the marriage for the kids is enough a reason.... WHAT???!!!

I don't think something that minor is a basis for divorce... why is he doing this? Please help...I need other people's outside interpretations, maybe it's me.... I don't know.


----------



## Lady003 (Sep 3, 2008)

hope01 said:


> To me I feel like it's some sort of phase? Is he wanting the freedom from it all? The life issues, marriage, kids? I don't know, but the months prior, he's spend a lot of time with his brother and other single friends, so I am thinking maybe this was the key to it? Did he now realize he missed out on that life?


I think that he may feel like he is missing out because he sees all these single people happy and enjoying the freedom to do anything they please. So he may figure that he could have once had that. 

Now idk for sure. But it seems like it. My marriage is going through something similar except we've only been married 3yrs, i'm 24, my husband will be 32 this year, we have 1 child, and I'm feeling, i guess, simialr to your husband. I've realized that most of my friends are single and enjoying themselves and i've began missing that lifestyle. 

Have you talked to him about it? Why he's been acting that way?


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

If the arguing is escalating into physical abuse you need to seek counseling immediately. For him to shove you is unacceptable. If he is unhappy that’s one thing but it doesn’t give a right to get physical. There is a deep seeded anger in him about something and he needs to see someone to help him and your marriage improve. It might be good for you two to see the same counselor separately then jointly so they can have a clear understanding of the dynamics and formulate a plan for recovery. Good luck.


----------



## hope01 (Sep 8, 2008)

Thank you for your responses. I have just scheduled for the both of us to see a marriage counselor, in hopes that this will at least give some encouragement for him to see this as something that may be able to be solved.

However, he was not too keen on the thought of discussing issues with a stranger. But he is still going to try. 

The past few days since I posted have been very confusing to me. Last night when he came home from work, I was expecting the worse...but he came in rather normal like, and even asked what was for dinner....  I am baffled! I mean after all the fights and yelling and all that, if you are truly that mad...why in the world would you ask for dinner, ask about the day, the kids.... and even to the point when I was not feeling good due to a headache, he asked me if I took something for it?!

What does that mean???? Then again today, I guess the wind blew a different direction, and again he was irritated at the fact that he had missed out on the wedding due to me.... And when I said that that's why we are going to try and fix it, he just said, "What for? What weould be the difference...there's no other weddings to go to!" (As in this is the last sibling he has to get married....

I just think that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! He is more concerned he missed out on partying rather than the relationship! He is just darn ANGRY about the party...how shallow is that????

I don't know anymore if it's even worth saying anything back, he is clearly out of his logic mind to even think that the relationship is no longer worth fixing because there are no parties to go to to show him, that I would be different.... 

I honestly think he has lost his mind on this! I am hoping therapy will clear things, but he seems very doubtful and is actually scared that he will be pointed out as wrong and is hesitant to go....

I don't understand anymore if it is really worth saving.... I love him dearly, however, am I in love with who he once was ...but not how he is now? And am I trying to save this marriage only for that reason? I feel like I am chasing my own tail because it seems like I am the only one willing.

I don't know what to do or say anymore, and being at home with him is awkward. Do I just wait it out and see how counseling goes? 

I feel like I am wasting life away on such a ridiculous issue. And that the true issue is that we need to fix ourselvesin order to better manage life together... Why is he acting this way??? At times I feel like he is only trying to be this way to get his way into me not saying anything anymore and now commenting on anything he does.... what kind of person would give such an ultimatum of if I don't do that, then nothing would change for him either.... I am so lost!!!!


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Great that you are pursuing counseling. I think there is something deeper in his current mindset and hopefully counseling will help him get it out on the open. This will likely not happen in one session to be prepared. Good luck to you both and let us know how things will progress.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

hope01 said:


> I don't think something that minor is a basis for divorce...


Please explain the above sentence, I could not work out what you were referring to.


----------



## hope01 (Sep 8, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> Please explain the above sentence, I could not work out what you were referring to.


Sorry, I meant his current concern that his day at the wedding, it seems to me like a feable excuse to make an argument that leads to quitting a marriage.It just seems too ridiculous an excuse to say you are quitting a marriage or have no feeling for your wife because she has a brain and has her own opinion regarding things.... I don't consider myself an over bearing person.... I am just honest in what I see, and if I see him making wrong choices then, ofcourse I say something rather than staring blankly like some sort of Stepford Wife, which I think is his idea of a happy marriage


----------



## hope01 (Sep 8, 2008)

*Well...I had a very looong evening thinking for a revelation???*

Last night, like the other few nights before, I have had trouble sleeping on this issue...so I sat down and wrote my frustrations out on paper..... Halfway through, I started seeing how saturated this problem is in my life, that it has crippled me from functioning in my daily life.... and for what????
A man that isn't even certain what he wants or if he even truly wants me??? :scratchhead: I am killing myself on something, when I am the only one that is suffering!

So finally as it hit me! .... Regardless of the outcome after counseling, I have to be in the reality that I cannot change someone... and what they want in life... I think I was so angry hoping he will change his mind, but the truth is, that there's just so much going on that I have neglected to give myself the chance to have some self respect after being talked to the way he did. Most other people would have walked out after the horrid exchange of words my H gave me about not wanting me etc.

So I am trying something new today..... Getting on with my day.... it seems that he is being at least civil enough with me at home by talking to me normally.... so I will go with the flow....and just stop cowering in my corner upset... I am so exhausted...! I think it's time, to get up and get a new perspective in lif while handling this.....


----------



## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

hope01 said:


> *Well...I had a very looong evening thinking for a revelation???*
> 
> Last night, like the other few nights before, I have had trouble sleeping on this issue...so I sat down and wrote my frustrations out on paper..... Halfway through, I started seeing how saturated this problem is in my life, that it has crippled me from functioning in my daily life.... and for what????
> A man that isn't even certain what he wants or if he even truly wants me??? :scratchhead: I am killing myself on something, when I am the only one that is suffering!
> ...


AW,hugs to you. This doesn't only happen to you, it happens to a lot of people. I feel so sorry for this girl I know. Her husband right in frount of another girl (that didn't know if she should date him because of the age thing) ..oh, you just trying "Tim" out.. I'm trying her out too. Then when they got ready to leave..she looked at him and said ( his wife standing right there).. why don't you and I go out to lunch sometime and talk about "Tim". To this day she talks to me abut this. Sad, but I think this will stay with her for the rest of her life. He said it was a joke. Some joke, right?


----------



## Sweet love (Sep 10, 2008)

I think that the argument got nothign waht so ever with what happened at the marriage. 
Thewedding was just a catalysator for all the **** to come up over the surface.
The wedding reminded him his own wedding with you and how much he recented it now nad probably since about 3 years..
and it al came out. right there.
he just show you there how he was realy feelign for oyu and that he had hidden everyday up to then.
There si no way out but a divorce since he do not love oyu anymore.
You have to take care of yourself and to think about oyu first and to think about yoru future and get a husband or bf who love you really..
it cannot be funny to live with soemoen that disrespect you so much.
His atitude was ugly and dishonnest.
Blaming you is playing the blaming game ot dont hjave to face a thing and to sdont have to acknowledge that the mariage is over and that its nobody faults in particular.. but of course he is makign it worse for you. he ressent you for still lovig him and not beign the oen to break it but he dont want ot take responsaility for it because in his own etyes divorce is not what he expect form a marriage and not what he expected from him to od so h eis like pushing oyu to be the one to coem with it.
If its like commuinication tha thas been lacking between you 2 since a long logn time and that more of it will reslcve things, hten counseling is a good way out. But if oyu usualy had a good communication and tha tit isnt the matter really, hten i think it will be useless ot try to save something where love is gone..
he is soon 40.. thats the 40 crisis coming a bit earlier..
and if he rather eb single and listen to male isntincts to chass several female then better be divorced already when he will begin to do that than crying yoru life out when oyu will found out he beign to have affairs and.. he will blame you for that too..
He did talk to you about ending yoru marriage in a place where a wedding ceremoni had just taken palce..
thats the weirdest palce to do so!
Dont you think?
if wedding make him think about divorcing then.. you can see that he is regretign being married.
Its sad for the kid, but drop him.
it looks like he has became a completestranger to you and its no good for you to go through all thsi suffering. he do not seems to make any effort to change thigns nor to save the marriage on the contrary, he dont care but he also dont care abotu yoru feeligns and of you beign hurting by announcing to oyu those things so bluntly an din a place where someone else from the family might have heard it.
And at home blaming you like that is not normal. 
He should have apologise during that evenign or once you got home.
He didnt on the opposite,menaing he ment every word he said to you.
So now oyu have to take care of yourself and put yourself first and dont give a damn about him. 
he do not seems to care at all about you so drop him.
Do oyu know one of his personal friends clsoe enough to can have him to tell you waht is going on?
can one of you male family relative have a tlak with him?
You migth found out that way what is really the matter and if he simply want out of the marriage or if he feel frutrated at getting old, or something else, and put it all on you, thinking that out of the marriage, all will be resolved.
Try that, men talk more between them.. they talk like chikens!

And have courage, and be good to you. Try to do good things for yourself. And go see freidns you ahve and talk with them about it that will help you to vent it all out, and get some input. 

I wish you the best.


----------



## hope01 (Sep 8, 2008)

Just when I thought I had a few moments of rest.... I came home from the store to find that I have no electricity! I found a note for a bill, that was not paid for.... only $200 and it was not paid for! I was furious! I called my H and immediately asked what was going on??? He only said, he did not have the $$ to pay and that was that! 

I am beyond livid at this point how a man can neglect this to the point where it's too late! Although I fell that this too is another layer of our issues. For years I have been talking to him about getting a better paying job..... it's been over 13 years, and he has done nothing but chnge jobs with the same pay... I could not handle it, so I went and changed jobs for higher pay....and have done so ever since to support the family and the house. He is basically only paying for utilities. And even that he cannot manage to fullfill!

I am currently out of work because I had to resign a position that was no longer working out well... He has been panicked at this, and I think all along he knew our finances were going down...now I think this is another issue why he wants to just bail out of the relationship-- Too much happening all at once.... and he is not one to manage multiple issues, never was. I sort of took it upon myself to hold this family together emotionally and financially, and now that I don't even have job myself, and all this is coming on...I am at the verge of giving up myself, if not for the kids!

Today I went to speak to his parents, hoping they may have some way to talk to him and maybe he will at least listen to them...I am still waitng for when that will happen, the parents seem nonchalant about it, and even though I was already crying my eyes out to them, were barely moved at any of my plee. So I don't really know how much they can help.

I am feeling so confused why all this is happening to me... and of all times, when I cannot financially beindipendent due to the lack of employment.....

The one person who should be by my side isnt even here for me... I feel like crawling in a hole!

I don't know where to start to pick up all the pieces.... things are crumbling before my eyes!


----------

