# I want my wife back!



## husband_who_messed_up (Apr 23, 2011)

Around Oct/Nov of 2010 my wife and I got into a fight so she loaded up the kids and headed to her mom's house. We had been in this situation a few times before but this time I told her if she goes then she could stay gone. Well out of stubbornness I never told her sorry or asked her to come back. In January we went to court and got legally separated. And about 2 weeks ago I got an email from her saying we should probably get things figured out so we could finalize the divorce. When I got done reading that email I about had a panic attack. Apparently it had just hit me that we were getting a divorce and I realized I DON'T WANT A DIVORCE. I want my family back. 

The thing is though... when we were together, I basically did everything I could to screw it up and make her fight with me. I am more than willing to admit I was a terrible husband. Probably one of the worst. No physical abuse, but I definitely wasn't doing my part. 

I told her about a week ago how I feel and of course her response was that there is no way because I would just change my mind the next day. Well I didn't, not even a little. I have been trying to keep in contact with her as much as I can without being pushy and the last couple times she has just responded with "I don't know". She mainly says DOES NOT want to go back to the way things were. And I don't blame her at all. I've asked her what I can do to prove to her that it would be different and she says "I don't know". I've asked her if there's even a chance of us getting back together and she says "I don't know". I've asked her if she wants me to stop trying to get her back and she says "I don't know". So basically... she doesn't know. 

I've asked her if she would go to marriage counselling with me but she says we've tried that before and I didn't stick with it, which is true. I really have no idea how to prove to her that things will be better. I know they will be because this time I realize what I've lost and I NEVER wanna lose them again. But how do I help her believe that? I also found out a couple days ago from her that she has been dating someone for a couple months which pretty much knocked me to the ground to think of her with another man. Still hurts immensely but I'm willing to try anyway if that's what it takes to get her back. It just kills me to think that I'm here trying to figure out how to get her back while she's probably lying in his bed...  

Any advice that you can give me on how to get her back and make this right would be greatly appreciated.


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## crusheddreams (Apr 6, 2011)

you are in the same situation as myself it seems, lots of promises made by you to change and yeah you did for a while but then you kept on breaking those promises and now she just dont trust you. all you can do is change & stick to it, no sliding back. 
do not promise her anything, she wont believe you & to be honest she just dont care anymore. go google walk away wife.
actions speak louder than words. you need to DO not talk. 
keep your chin up, it does get easier with time.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Sounds like she gave you way too many chances.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You don't say what you did that was so wrong...please elaborate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## husband_who_messed_up (Apr 23, 2011)

the things I did wrong... I didn't put her and my family first. Whenever she asked me to do something, I did the opposite. Rather than being in the marriage with her, I was against her.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

This sounds like basic jealousy on your part. How much did you care about all this until you found out she was seeing someone else?

It's going to be extremely hard to win her back from this position. It may simply be that this is a horrible learning experience.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

I know it has pretty much become the norm these days but I don't understand why so many jump right into a new relationship and they haven't even closed the door on the last relationship. It's about like pregnancy. You're either pregnant or you're not. To me, you're either married or you're not. Jealousy or not, that is still his wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## husband_who_messed_up (Apr 23, 2011)

Atholk - I did not find out about this guy she's dating until after I realized that I had to get her back. I actually knew I screwed up from the moment the words "if your leaving, don't come back" came out of my mouth, but I'm such a stubborn idiot so I did not tell her I messed up right then. 

Mark - Thanks. No matter what the court says, she will always be my wife in mine and God's eyes. I just have to hope she comes around and sees it that way too...


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

You know, in spite of what tons of people close to me have said, I decided that I was going to fight for my family and my wife until there was no fight left in me. Do I feel it is the right thing to do? Yes! Other people say just move on and get over it. They are not me and can't impose their attitudes and opinions on what my heart tells me to do. 

I said all of that simply to encourage you to do what you feel is right to you. People will tell you all types of stuff, but in the end, whether you reconcile or not, you're the one who will have to deal with the fact that you either fought or you didn't. 

I will say that now is the time you have to start educating yourself about your mistakes, about what it takes to make a successful marriage, etc. You can't go back without having understanding of these things. If you don't get her back, you will be better prepared to not let your mistakes of the past happen again in any new relationship. A good book I would suggest is "His Needs, Her Needs". I actually like this one better than "5 Love Languages" although it is a good book as well. Educate yourself, my friend, and I hope things work out for you.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Sorry I don't mean to sound rude - it just sounded like he did nothing to try and fix things for six months - until another man showed up. Hence my question.


Ask her to write out what she needs to happen / you to be, in order for her to return.

Say you won't agree to a divorce / will fight it, unless you go through marriage counseling together to see if it can be saved.

She needs to break it off with her boyfriend to give the counseling a chance to work.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Atholk said:


> She needs to break it off with her boyfriend to give the counseling a chance to work.


This is an absolute must if your marriage is to recover. She WILL NOT return to you as long as someone else is in the picture. Until you get this to happen, you really don't have much of a chance other than to work on yourself and hopes she recognizes and reconsiders. 

Does her family know about her boyfriend given the fact that you two are still married? Does her family have any morals that would cause them to think that what she is wrong and express this to her? If not, then exposing to them at this point would probably not work. 

I don't know what you can do, but you have to get this other man out of the picture before you have any chance at all.


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