# Hello everyone short background



## Somearebiased

So I have been married a little over a year. I met my wife four years ago on tinder of all places. We both lives in remote country towns and had a harder time meeting quality human beings that shared the same values and beliefs we hold. 
My wife is a very loving and caring woman and a great new mom to our one month old little girl. We have had many ups and downs like everyone through our relationship and have struggled with arguing or fighting each other sometimes because our families are both full of narcissistic abusers that would try to split us apart or cause problems. 
A little about me, I am a 27 year old helpless romantic. I love Romance and anything to do with love, especially sex lol! Thankfully we have a great bedroom life and the sex is always mind blowing. We were both virgins before we met each other and we have learned each other’s body better than we know our own bodies. She has said this to me many times. She is able to orgasm quite a few times each session as am I. Enough about that though. 
I am mainly here because I have some issues w ptsd and abuse and trauma from my past and I sometimes transfer me anger or anxiety to her and that is never fair. I thought maybe someone older fellas and gals may have some insight I don’t. I have been browsing the forums for a week and have seen lots of helpful advice 
God bless y’all thanks for the space to grow and help my marriage. I wanna be a better captain of my families ship for my daughter wife and myself.


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## DoesItGetBetter?

Hi, Somearebiased - thank you for sharing. Congratulations on your recent marriage. You admitting that you have a problem with anger and anxiety is a major step forward towards dealing with it. Have you informed your wife about the details of your past and how it manifests itself in anger and anxiety? I would recommend doing so, if you have not, and asking for her patience and understanding in this area, as you are seeking ways to deal with it. Directing your anger towards your wife without cause is not fair to her, so try to recognize when this is happening, stop, and apologize. Perhaps there are some outlets that might help - working out, sports, hunting, boating, spending some time with guy friends.


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## nekonamida

In what ways does your anger and anxiety get put on her? Do you get high strung and controlling? Do you call her names? Do you start arguments over dumb little things?


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## MattMatt

I would suggest counselling for you. Online counselling can be of benefit and self help videos on YouTube can be helpful, too.


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## jlg07

Also, if you DO have PTSD, you should try to get to a counselor who specializes in a therapy called EMDR -- this is specifically for trauma and PTSD issues.

THE most important thing is to always communicate with your wife. TELL her what your issues are and where it comes from -- BUT that does not excuse your behavior. It may just help her have some more patience with it.

It's great that you are actually looking for answers to help your marriage -- never stop doing that.


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## Somearebiased

My wife does know about my background w my family. She actively tries to help me better the situation however she can. I am currently in the process of finding a therapist which I can afford. Money is a bit tight so trying to find one that is somewhat affordable. I don’t really start fights I just don’t stop them and I bring up stuff from our past that isn’t relevant to the fights main issue. I will take into consideration yalls input. Thanks for the help.


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## Tasorundo

You should talk with her about your past. Telling her what is going on in your mind, rather than her thinking it is about her or something else, is better for your relationship. It might make you uncomfortable, but ultimately, this is the person you have chosen to share your life with, so share it.


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## StarFires

Here are some videos on YouTube about *Eye Movement Desensitizing and Reprocessing* (EMDR). I didn't look at any of them but since you mentioned money being of issue, I thought you might be able to find some help with the videos. So try them and see if that will work or if you need to be in person with a therapist.

And here are some videos on *Anger Management*.

Give us some examples of how you transfer your anger and anxiety onto your wife.


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## OnTheFly

Somearebiased said:


> My wife does know about my background w my family.


This is good. Means communication is happening.



Somearebiased said:


> She actively tries to help me better the situation however she can.


What exactly does this mean? Does she get involved in family issues WITH your family?

If so, big mistake.

They are your family and you deal with them. If they (your extended family) are toxic to your present live and marriage, cut them out like a cancer.


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## MattMatt

StillSearching said:


> New Catch all = PTSD


Then you must be an expert in the diagnosis and treatment of PTSD? And via a psychic link with someone you have never met? 

If not, your comment might be viewed as unhelpful, hurtful and off topic.

Care to elucidate as to why you made your remark?


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## EleGirl

There is a book that I think will help you... "The Dance of Anger". The book helped me understand my then husband who had issue with anger, mostly based on this childhood. And it helped us figure out a way to handle the anger.. .basically when he felt it coming on, he learned to redirect his energy into something positive and physical. He chose riding his bike... he'd grab his helmet and go for a nice long ride. When he came back, he was in a much better place. 

Also get into counseling for anger management. It can really help.


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## sunsetmist

Congratulations on both being virgins and developing a great sex life! This is kinda rare and speaks to good communication in relationship. Life is especially hard with a newborn in the house. 

Just wanted you to know that anything that may have happened to you as a youth was NOT your fault, no matter what. When others take advantage, it is often difficult to talk about this openly. Good for you in realizing the problems.

I love that you are a romantic--that is a gift--never lose it. Welcome...


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## Tilted 1

Hello SAB, I will put names of books that were helpful to me, if you know of PTSD and the use of EMDR it assist in the form of coping with the triggers. As you experience your trauma. The first book is.

The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma
Book by Bessel van der Kolk.



And and this is for you to get you over that unbearable wall for yourself and those whom through you actions you have hurt, cast fear, doubt, shame, unforgiveness. And the special need for you to do it. This is believe it or not for you to forgive yourself FIRST. Not many will understand, unless you lived life with Trauma and PTSD. And not just from war. Trauma is trauma. It is overwhelming at times.

When Sorry Isn't Enough: Making Things Right with Those You Love.
Book by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas.



This is for both of you for the long haul.

How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It
by Patricia Love, Ed.D., Steven Stosny, PH.D



This is for you wife and you but with this book it will help your wife... To stop her husband's heart from growing cold. Because of your loss of life while you were unknowingly suffering with your family and all that it entails.

Every Woman's Marriage.
by Shannon Ethridge, Greg Ethridge



And this next one is for both of you, it will help you and her find out how to best love your spouse. For your wife to help her understand what type of love, you need to be fulfilled. And for you to improve on you way to love your wife, because you fail in so many ways.

The Five Love Languages.
book by Gary Chapman.


And the next is for you not so much for you wife. Because of your many short comings. It may belp In how your wife may see you. Do you want her to understand you, appreciate you, support you during hard times, do you want her to admire you? This may help you assist you with avoiding more destruction that you have done to her.


If Only He Knew: A Valuable Guide to Knowing, Understanding, and Loving Your Wife.
Book by Dr. Gary Smalley.


SAB, don't even blink on not getting these, don't hesitate just buy them. Once you look them up they have sites which you can read a little about them. They will become invaluable to you and your lovely wife.

Lucky you.... And l mean this is because you are aware of the issues that plague you and are looking for direction and help from others who have walked in those shoes, and maybe just maybe those people who are still walking in those shoes STILL.

GOD SPEED TO YOU BOTH, AS YOU FACE THE CHALLENGE'S YOU BOTH OVERCOME TOGETHER. 

TILTED


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## StillSearching

MattMatt said:


> Then you must be an expert in the diagnosis and treatment of PTSD? And via a psychic link with someone you have never met?
> 
> If not, your comment might be viewed as unhelpful, hurtful and off topic.
> 
> Care to elucidate as to why you made your remark?


Yes PTSD is a legitimate disorder.
My remark was to address that it's become a fall back for EVERY questionable behavior that a person has perpetrated.
How helpful is it to constantly go to the PTSD card all the time?
We here tend to do that. The poster may be better served first to do some self reflection and IC. 
One can spend wasted years researching a disorder and self diagnosing, when all along the path out is no where near that.

Real PTSD victims are hurt by this phenomenon.


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## MattMatt

StillSearching said:


> Yes PTSD is a legitimate disorder.
> My remark was to address that it's become a fall back for EVERY questionable behavior that a person has perpetrated.
> How helpful is it to constantly go to the PTSD card all the time?
> We here tend to do that. The poster may be better served first to do some self reflection and IC.
> One can spend wasted years researching a disorder and self diagnosing, when all along the path out is no where near that.
> 
> Real PTSD victims are hurt by this phenomenon.


Either that or "real" PTSD is more common than might be supposed?


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## StillSearching

MattMatt said:


> Either that or* "real" PTSD is more common* than might be supposed?


It seems to be a catch all to me. 
It could not be supposed any more than it already is...IMO.


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## MattMatt

StillSearching said:


> It seems to be a catch all to me.
> It could not be supposed any more than it already is...IMO.


Perhaps you should ask the OP why he thinks he has PTSD? He might be a ex-military, a police officer, an ambulance technician, had a severe vehicle crash, worked as a fireman. In the UK many train drivers suffer from PTSD as suicide by train is very popular in the UK.

So please don't just presume that people like the OP don't suffer from PTSD or a similar complaint.


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## Tilted 1

StillSearching said:


> MattMatt said:
> 
> 
> 
> Real PTSD victims are hurt by this phenomenon.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> l am one that suffers by my Marine Corps engagement, as l was also one to suffer as a child.
> 
> Believe me l would never take offense.
> 
> If someone else has this, l know the pain to which no one can fully understand, (unless you are of that world) and those on the outside looking in sometimes want to put there judgement out there. Because they just don't have a clue. We the suffers of PTSD and trauma are not that shallow to cast dispersions on another because we live there. I hope that one day l could only say no more no longer. But that is my horizon.
Click to expand...


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## Tilted 1

Sorry... Matt Matt l don't know how l got you name in the quote box!


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## Tilted 1

It Should have been Stillsearching


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## badsanta

Somearebiased said:


> I don’t really start fights I just don’t stop them....


OMG that made me laugh!

The freaking hardest thing to do in an argument is to be the one that calms down and tries to be a better listener with patience and understanding. Most arguments in my marriage go like this:



> You are not understanding me!





> NO, YOU are the one NOT understanding me!





> This is how I am feeling.





> That is NOT how I wanted you to feel, you should feel this way instead!





> If you feel that way, you are not understanding me!





> Oh I understand that you completely misunderstand me alright!


...and that can go on and on and on....

Badsanta


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## MattMatt

Tilted 1 said:


> Sorry... Matt Matt l don't know how l got you name in the quote box!


Don't worry. 

Incidentally my FIL is a former Royal Marine who served in the SBS. He had very bad PTSD caused by the many operations he was involved in.


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