# need help wife problems urgent cant sleep



## speedy69 (Jun 21, 2012)

never posted before but having major wife issues keen to hear men that have been through the same thing or womans prospective, story goes, been together 7 years married 4, have a 3 yr old and a 9 month old, she has not been showin me affection for some time a couple of years says she loves me and all that we have sex but i always initiate and i know she avoids it, anyway it boiled to a head the other day.
i said we needed to talk when we started talking she said 'i a making you miserable arent i?' to which i replied 'well im not feeling the love' now i must say the last few years have been extremely busy for me with work and building our houses doing a diploma etc. she told me she hadnt desired sex for a long time and no longer finds me attractive and is not sure if she ever can again and when i say do you want to try and make it work all i get is i dont know, also note for the last couple of years when she has got drunk she would occasionaly pick fights for no reason.
it come to light that she is really upset with me for the lack of support i have given her with the children over the last couple of years, now i need to say that i do more for my wife and children than most of the people i know, we live in a different country and have little support so i dont doubt that this is at least one reason and although i knew she struggled with the kids some days, clearly i missjudged the gravity of the situation until this happened. anyway shortly after she went to her sisters for a couple of days, she returned home on the sunday, but now is no longer sleeping with me showering with me or even undresing in front of me, aside from that she talks and acts as she did two weeks ago as if this conversation never happened, i have talked her into counilling (it took a bit of convincing) i went a couple of days ago she went today, she didnt talk any thing about it when she got home other than to say she was in there for over an hour, i didnt probe. i own my own business with a partner, i have now decided to change my hours i finish a 5pm regardless and no weekends and am now helping out as much as possible when i finish (which i always did anyway its just if i finished late which was most of the time and every thing would be already done)
i love my wife and do not want to lose her, now she has been texting and on face book a lot and gaurding her phone, i dont think she is having an affair she wouldnt have time, it is possible she has meet someone else but i think highly unlikely.
i would love to know what she is writting so i went on FB with my phone seeing if i could crack the password and would you believe as i logged in it went straight to her page how does that **** happen, so two lines of messaging gets my attention, one to her male friends from the home country, a friend from way back, she intends to catch up with at christmas time where we have a trip home planned, a few of her girl friends are going on a weekend trip and are stopping in to see this guy, it ordinarily wouldnt have bothered me if this wasnt going on i know she has guy mates, but he did comment on how hot she looked to which she replied 'it is my new look things are changing here big time' and that she has had a ****ty year and has put her foot down. (i had her on about this as soon as i seen it, i probably shouldnt have but couldnt help my self i just said i could see it on my fb page she dismissed it as just catching up with a friend and i had meet him before blah blah blah
the other messaging was to her freind who i gather is in a similar situation basically they just chatted about what happened and how she just snaped and i didnt know what hit me.
clearly she resents me for not being there i did not realise the gravity of the situation i was how ever building financial security for my family that brand new car she drives and this brand new house we live in didnt get handed to us, ok so i see she is not thinking about that and i have made changes, but these messages i have seen have disheartened me a bit an made me angry, i have not argued with her or tried to blame her but this is not all my fault and although maybe i didnt do the right thing what i did was for the right reason, HELP have i lost her how should i play this, i have stopped trying to kiss her and tell her i love her., i get the feeling she is drifting further away


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

My advice would be to give the MC some time. It's apositive sign that she is willing to give that a go. 

Your wife's actions sound a lot like mine. I don't want to discourage you with my anecdotes so I'll just say keep trying. You are making an effort to work this out and you obviously care about your marriage. It's never any one person's fault - it definitely takes two but as long as you keep trying, just know that you are doing your best. I would also suggest maybe asking her not to see her male friend(s) right now. Why put temptation in the mix? If she insists, then she probably is not too concerned with your needs/wants. Good luck!


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

speedy69 said:


> she told me she hadnt desired sex for a long time and no longer finds me attractive and is not sure if she ever can again and when i say do you want to try and make it work all i get is i dont know, also note for the last couple of years when she has got drunk she would occasionaly pick fights for no reason.
> 
> she returned home on the sunday, but now is no longer sleeping with me showering with me or even undresing in front of me, aside from that she talks and acts as she did two weeks ago as if this conversation never happened,
> 
> ...


You have not fulfilled her emotional needs. 

She gave up on you doing so. 

She is encouraging this other man and getting her emotional needs filled by him.

This is an emotional affair, and she is going to consummate it on her trip. 

Stop being a nice guy. Man up and don't have this going on under your roof.

Reads for you;
Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.

No More Mr. Nice Guy


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## speedy69 (Jun 21, 2012)

she is not having an affair with this guy he lives in another country she is not having an affair sexually with any one she is home way to much plus i know she isnt. she has been friends with this dude for a long time i knew that before i married her, she has other male friends again i knew this before we got married i may not necessarily like it but i accept it, i am more concerned about her comments about theres going to be some big changes, i cant help but think that she is refering to her being single.
yes perhaps i have not given her the emotional support she needs but i am changing that, i have cut my hours right back, i also think she has not communicated properly but you cant tell them that, not constructive blame never is.
she is leaning on a couple of her female freinds for the emotional support, this i know.
I dont discount the fact that she has met some one as in a dude and she might like him and is talking to him but i highly doubt it.
I asked her about the councilling and if she wants to go together and she said she is going again by herself in two weeks, probably not a bad sign.
i just cant believe how this turned from a conversation where she says SHE is making me miserable and loves me so much even though she is emotionally drained and not attracted to me, to its all my fault and it has taken me 3 years to figure out what she needs and she doesnt even know if she wants to try save the marriage


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

I'm going on what you posted. Can I be wrong? Sure. Can there be other possibilities? Oh course there can. Do you want to explore them and eliminate them? Do you know what an EA is, or how it starts?

Did she freely tell you she was doing these things?
Red flag: She is guarding her phone 
Red flag: She is discussing you relationship and her plans with people outside the marriage, including other males. 

As for her not finding you attractive..that is why I suggested you look at Athol Kay's book. You need to up your appearance to her. But until that happens, she is vulnerable to others. 

Look at this site...check out the quizzes...just to see why I don't take the things you posted lightly.

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

First, do NOT blame yourself.

As men we strive to provide for our family. Your hardwork is not her problem. Her problem stems from her inability to communicate her needs. That's not your fault it's hers. 

Unless you completely ignored her, I call BS on her excuses.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

speedy69 said:


> she is not having an affair with this guy he lives in another country she is not having an affair sexually with any one she is home way to much


Never assume. 



speedy69 said:


> i am more concerned about her comments about theres going to be some big changes, i cant help but think that she is refering to her being single.


Your concern is valid; she is making plans...and not involving you!



speedy69 said:


> I asked her about the councilling and if she wants to go together and she said she is going again by herself in two weeks, probably not a bad sign.


With you = good sign. Without you = She is going to work on herself, but not neceassarily the way you want her to.



speedy69 said:


> i just cant believe how this turned from a conversation where she says SHE is making me miserable and loves me so much even though she is emotionally drained and not attracted to me, to its all my fault and it has taken me 3 years to figure out what she needs and she doesnt even know if she wants to try save the marriage


Classic behavior of someone trying to rewrite the relationship history to justify their actions. She has checked out of the marriage and she is planning a future...without you. 

At this point, you may want to consider protecting yourself against false accusations (ie domestic violence charge) or her just emptying the bank account and leaving.


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## speedy69 (Jun 21, 2012)

C3156 said:


> Never assume.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## speedy69 (Jun 21, 2012)

Thanks for the replies personaly I think what started off as an honest and fair issue for her has turned into her seeing just how far she can push it. I will give her 1 more week then ill call her bluff ill tell her to go to her sisters by her self and work out what she wants and when she gets back she either pulls her head in and also puts in an effort or we work out how to split this **** up because I don't deserve this and I sure as hell arent putting up with it. At the end of the day she will leave and if she does she probably would of any way or she will be on the back foot worried about losing me. I hear your views on the male friend I don't assume any thing although I think nothing of it I don't think this is the right time to display jealousy it is a sign of weakness ill adderess that closer to the time if I get that far, fortunitaly her acting like this is making me a little resentful which is giving me the strength to man up
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

speedy69 said:


> ...she told me she hadnt desired sex for a long time and no longer finds me attractive...anyway shortly after she went to her sisters for a couple of days, she returned home on the sunday, but now is no longer sleeping with me showering with me or even undresing in front of me,


Your wife is being faithful to her new man. She must have banged somebody when she went to her sisters. Are you sure she was actually at her sisters?

Time for the VAR, GPS, keylogger, cellphone spy.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

oh yeah and next time she takes trips run interference aka c*ck block mode


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