# Valentine's day...will you....



## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Will you write something ,send a card or at least wish "happy V day" to your separated half?
Sorry for bringing that up but the day is coming and i can't help but wonder if he is going to do something...and if he does wouldn't it be more painful...because he told me numerous times "I don't love you".
I have an access to his email acct and i can see that he kept a coupon from a flower website. I can picture him sending me flowers with a note " You know you're the mother of my kids and for that i will always love you"


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

nope, not a damn thing, at this point in time I do not hate my ex (I am actually still very much in love with her) but I shall not be sending her a card.

(much later!)

was walking thru the local supermarket and happened to spot teabag tongs. Now the wife has been after a set of these for quite a while, and we were never able to find any, without thinking I bought them.
So I guess I will be giving them to her the day b4 valentines day (more likely give them to one of the boys to give to her


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## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

nope I'll be keeping up the non contact as usual...don't open yourself to more hurt, I'm not expecting anything either and not wanting to be cruel but maybe you shouldn't build your hopes up either...just in case x


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## bellringer (Aug 20, 2010)

I did get my stbxh a card from our son and he got me one from my son also, my son is very much into the holidays, so it makes him feel good, we still had our christmas tree up because noone would help me move it(its huge) so my son and I decorated it for valentines day, its beautiful, wish I could post a picture, I will spend valentines day with my son, I bought him gifts and will have them under the tree for him. I dont expect anything from stbx, especially because last yr when he left it was january when easter rolled around he did bring me flowers and I drop kicked them across the yard in front of him so I dont think he will be buying me anything out of guilt again.


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

No. I couldn't even think of it and don't want to. If he sends me something, which I would bet my house he won't, I would not know how to handle it. By the same token, if I expected or set myself up for wanting him to acknowledge the day and he didn't, that would hurt even more. It's just another day. Try to focus on Valentine's Day of 2012 - imagine where you will be and who may be sending you a gift down the road.


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## scaredandconfused (Jan 25, 2011)

i'm not counting on him doing anything. mostly because he hasn't recognized the day since we were first married. 

it's going to be a hard enough day for me- especially since v-day is also going to be one month since he left. i don't want to think about romance on that day, kwim? i still love him, he says that he still loves me, but i don't know if i can trust what he says. i don't want to get my hopes set on something that isn't going to happen. 

i think, instead of focusing on what the day is, i'm going to do something fun with the kids. not sure if we'll go see a movie or just go out to eat, but i'd rather do something with them than sit at home and wonder where my flowers and chocolates are.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Well he erased the coupon so i guess no flowers for me...which is fine.At the End all these things do not matter ,what matters is that loving look in his/her eyes...not some plants or chocolate or whatever...right.I'll concentrate on my kids as well!


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## hopemom (Dec 22, 2010)

I found a perfect card for us, before I knew this was happening, I believe I will still write him a message of love. HE really is my valentine. I will make some plans, maybe go see a movie or something to be out of the house. We still need to tell our grown kids that we are separated, maybe this coming weekend. Won't that be great. Maybe the boys will take me out.


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

Got a valentine's day gift, but that was before we had a mojor blowout yesterday. She already told me not to get her anything for v-day so here I am. I may just leave it for her on her bed instead of giving it to her personally.

This really s**ks.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

My husband had no idea Monday was Valentine's Day until I said something.  I mentioned us going to dinner tomorrow night and he said "Dinner is so expensive." Then we had a fight tonight. On Monday I'll be at work and then I'll come home and play on the computer. 

Tomorrow morning I'll take my daughter out for breakfast. She's my REAL Valentine. She's been my rock and my support all along. Tomorrow night I'm going to go out and have dinner and see a band. So that'll be Happy Valentine's Day to me from me.


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

It crossed my mind. But after last night, HELL NO! I'm no doormat. Shoulda been a warning sign that my husbands fav movie is The Quiet Man. Not here buddy. 
Will treat myself to truffles & a glass of red wine for valentines day.


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

vivea said:


> Will you write something ,send a card or at least wish "happy V day" to your separated half?
> Sorry for bringing that up but the day is coming and i can't help but wonder if he is going to do something...and if he does wouldn't it be more painful...because he told me numerous times "I don't love you".
> I have an access to his email acct and i can see that he kept a coupon from a flower website. I can picture him sending me flowers with a note " You know you're the mother of my kids and for that i will always love you"


I'm not going to get him (ex-husband but still living together) anything on V-day, but about 2 1/2 weeks ago he was sick and I went to CVS to get him some medicine I found a card (V-card) which didn't have the usual "I love you" stuff in it but said something like 'thanks for all the good times we shared, always appreciate' kinda stuff.....very fitting...and I got that for him and gave it to him right then....he said he really liked it  .....

Anyways, he's not going to get a V-day gift from me until he's committed back to me......


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

I'm fighting this issue...I want to, I shouldn't...

so far I've held strong...I don't want her to think I'm good being in limbo...


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## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

me too!


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

You mean so much to me

I'm thinking of you today
with warm and happy feelings - 
remembering the times we've shared
and how much it's meant 
to have you in my life.

I'm thinking about
how special you've always been -
how your thoughtfulness,
your understanding,
and your caring have brightened so many days.

And, on Valentine's Day,
I just wanted you to know 
how important you are to me.​This is what the card to him said....


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

vivea said:


> I have an access to his email acct and i can see that he kept a coupon from a flower website.


I could into my ex husband's email account about 10 years ago, which was during the first year of our breakup. What did I gain from doing it? Lots of self-inflicted heartbreak and disappointment.

With current estranged husband, I expect nothing. My expectations of how I wanted people to treat me left me feeling disappointed. Again, lots of self-inflicted pain due to my own expectations.

JMO, but Valentine's Day is for lovers/couples/partners who are together; as in, sharing their LIVES TOGETHER. I got enough cards and flowers from my husbands. Estranged husband used to give me the world's most syrupy lovey-dovey cards, meanwhile he was drunk more often than sober and calling me all sorts of filthy names. Insanity. Glad it's over and the card-giving farce is done with.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Well he changed his password this morning... at first i was pissed because i had the comfort in knowing what happens in his life...at least a little bit and now i have completely lost him...but than after that initial disappointment when away I'm actually relieved.


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## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

I have not decided yet, a few days ago I was going to go ahead and get him a small box of chocolates and a card. Then after yesterday and this morning I was like Nah , why he has never got me nothing in 24 years.

Now I'm thinking that I will get him something after the talk we had this evening. I'm not giving up on my marriage , I can't and I won't . He as said he is done but then there is signs that he is not DONE. So I will more then likely get him something small and I know he will be mad about it. But I really don't care.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

vivea said:


> Well he changed his password this morning... at first i was pissed because i had the comfort in knowing what happens in his life...at least a little bit and now i have completely lost him...but than after that initial disappointment when away I'm actually relieved.


I have access to the (ex?) wifes isp webmail, can't be bothered looking, may see something I really really don't want to see !


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Well he called this morning and told me that he preferrs if he doesn't talk to me tomorrow...that he will only call our daughter because he feels it'll be awkward to talk to me on that day 

This sucks,i started crying...i'm sick as a dog on top of it so my emotions are even more magnified.
I just don't understand him,he told me today again "i want you to know that i do miss you and the girls" ,he told me he will call on the 15th after his therapy session.He's told me again that he is depressed and not happy at the moment and he thinks it's his work,he doesn't have much time for himself.He said again that he wants to become a better person....i don't know it sounded like he was grooming me to extend the separation more...i really can't go longer than March...i'll lose my mind.

He also told me he would like to take Daughter for 3 days in March ,i was so hurt and sad.I told him that it'll be rally hard for me because i would like to be included and share the experience with her when she sees the ocean and other places that i was planing of us taking her.He said than that he understands but there is a lot of time till March and we will see...


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Ever read Melody Beattie's classic, Codependent No More? I'd suggest you pick up a copy. From your latest post it's all about him, Him, HIM. So what are you doing for yourself to feel better? Can you hang out with some gf's? How 'bout other family members? 

I wasted a lot of my life seeking a man to fulfill my dreams of hapiness and to "complete me." I learned the hard way that no living being can fill in the blanks or complete the missing pieces in my life.

Your husband also sounds like he changes his mind on a whim. It's somewhat passive-aggressive, but it's also abusive. Just reading between the lines, I get the feeling he may possibly have some issues with addiction. Does he drink too much on occasion, such as when he's stressed out?

Sorry to hijack this thread, but it actually sounded like your original post was more about feeling a need to be part of his life to the point that you were reading his emails. I did that myself, and hindsight being 20/20, I realized how terribly codependent and needy I was.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

I was reading his Emails because i had no other way of telling what is happening in his life,i wanted to see also if there is OW.It did help me at the beginning,i could see that he has made a lot of purchases,only motorcycle stuff,Playstation 3 ...guy toys.Nothing that would suggest OW. 
If you read my other posts you'll see that i have a big trust issue with him,he recognizes that he has problem with lying so he created me the way I am....i didn't like checking his Email or his "pockets"...he broke the trust .
I certainly don't want to be controlling ,all i want from him is to stop lying .I certainly was happy that he actually told me about everything that he bought while he is away...so at least i know he is trying.
I will look into that book,thanks for the suggestion and i'm doing plenty for myself,i hang out with really loving people and I'm trying to change myself as a person...so far it's success for me that is why i believe people can change if they put their heart into it.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

vivea said:


> I was reading his Emails because i had no other way of telling what is happening in his life ... he recognizes that he has problem with lying so he created me the way I am ... I certainly don't want to be controlling ,all i want from him is to stop lying ...


I don't want this to come across as harsh, because I do understand your desire to want your husband to be honest with you. Now here comes the HOWEVER ... your husband did not "create" you to behave the way you do. There is no human being on earth who has the power to control us, unless we hand our own power over to them.

I used to look for bottles around the house, and I would find them in the craziest places. I would water down the booze, I would pour it down the sink, I would switch hiding places so he couldn't find it. Was his addiction controlling me? Yes, because I allowed it. I was every bit as crazy as the addict. But after lots of counseling, Al-Anon, and working on myself, I realized that I had no control over the addict. He would always go out and buy more booze. He lied about it because it was his way of denying he had a problem.

In the end, I realized he owned his own problems and I owned mine. You husband will stop lying when he faces it himself. You can't change a leopard's spots, and you can't stop him from lying. It's just like my husband who used to say, "I'm an alcoholic," or "I have a problem with drinking." Well, DUH. Look at the ACTIONS. 

The only control we have is over what comes out of our mouths and what we choose to think. Other than that, I don't see where any of us can make another person see the error of their ways. JMO. Take what you want and leave the rest ...


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

:iagreerodigal, you've nailed it. I trust you are/married to an alcoholic? What's the end result? 

I gave up trying to hide, water down, badger my husband about his drinking. 

Same with stuff like "why doesn't he call me?" "Why doesn't he care?" "Why doesn't he want to make love with me?" He DOESN'T. Nothing I do can change that. It took me a long time to figure out. 

The trick is to move on and rebuild your own life. That's the hardest. It's hard to walk away from the person who shared your life...a person you love and care about. My husband was my best friend but only now am I realizing that man is gone. It's really hard.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Prodigal...you're right and that is what i realized after the separation.It is a Poison ,i was poisoning myself....but in the last year he recognized his problem ,he wrote me countless letters apologizing and promising to never do it again...i had no choice but to see if he is telling the truth.
Now having said that all the lies i've found out about were not a product of me sniffing around his stuff....things would just hit me out of nowhere,things would not add up...people were telling me stuff . 
He is not that good at hiding it and i'm a good detective by nature ...what i was supposed to do with the info...pretend that it didn't happen...impossible.
Now he finally went to see a serious help about that,he says it's hard but as I said he is trying. If we ever get back together i do not plan to stay in that dark place of not trusting ....exactly as you said it doesn't do good for me.I will try to focus on other productive things and hope for the best.I know about his problem and i have to deal with it if i choose to stay with him,i can not spend the rest of my life with him constantly being suspicious about everything.

As I have said i'm relieved i don't have an access to his Email acct. anymore,I feel more free.In the dark but free!


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

vivea said:


> As I have said i'm relieved i don't have an access to his Email acct. anymore,I feel more free.In the dark but free!


Funny that you say that....

I have times where I want to snoop around ex-husband's desk so bad.....but then I tell myself that it is stupid and I don't do it....it takes some self control, but after I don't snoop I feel so much better (about myself)....

Weird, huh....


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## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

rome2012 said:


> You mean so much to me
> 
> I'm thinking of you today
> with warm and happy feelings -
> ...


Nice post I copied & pasted it & sent it to my wife


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