# Do I love him anymore?



## popalops (Jul 25, 2017)

I've been married 7 years. My husband and I went through a really difficult time this past year (although our relationship may never have been easy and this isn't the first time we've had serious trouble). It destroyed me, and I’m finding out it destroyed him too, which was actually kind of a relief because our problems had seemed so one-sided to me (I blamed him for everything and felt like a victim). We are finally starting to understand each other, communicate a little better, and I can tell he’s trying things that are out of his comfort zone. Things aren’t perfect, but it feels like we are finally in a better place or at least on the path to positive change. The problem is, the image I have of him is still so overwhelmingly negative. It seems like another lifetime ago that I could say how much I loved him or why. Now, I feel numb or forced, and I’m worried that somewhere along the way I just fell out of love. Or maybe the love wasn’t there, but I kept thinking if we could fix XYZ, I could love him? I keep telling myself that we went through a terrible time and it’s understandable that I would not feel love right away, that I need to give myself time to heal and the love will follow, but I’m by nature an anxious person and don’t really believe it. I’m more prone to catastrophic thinking. We have a 3 year old, and that’s one of my main reasons for wanting to hang on for dear life. Has anyone been through a truly tough time and felt this way? It would really help to hear stories from someone who has struggled with the same doubts.

I'll also mention that my doubts started 5 years ago, two years into our marriage. I started wondering if I'd be happier with someone else, if I'd made a mistake, etc. I'd compare to other husbands and how they truly seemed to want to please their wives and go out of their way to make their wives happy. It started to consume me, and I was an anxious mess for a whole year before the dust settled and I was able to be present. And now it's round two, except we have a daughter and stakes are even higher. But then again, this time, he seems to actually be making positive changes. It concerns me that I've spent the majority of our marriage doubting our marriage, but then again I know am an doubtful person by nature. My husband has said doubts like this are normal, especially in hard times, but the difference is that I let them consume me. (Yes, I've told him. He is super strong in that sense.)

Note: my husband doesn’t want to go to counseling and I know there’s no hope in changing his mind, so it’d be helpful if we could just take that option off the table. I know for sure he won’t go, and I respect his decision, especially now that he seems to be trying.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm sorry that your having such a hard time. Hopefully you will find a way to improve your marriage.

If your husband does not want to go to counseling, there are some books that I think would help the two of your rebuild your marriage and bring some real passionate love into it... yes even if you are not feeling it for some time.

The books are "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Read them first and of the work. That way you will have some new ideas to talk to him about. And then ask him to read them with you and do the work together.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

What was the "difficult time" you went through a year ago, if I may ask?

Once trust or respect is gone, love dies really quickly. Before that, small things can erode trust or respect over years and usually the problem is lack of clear and frank discussion /communication around needs. Most women don't want to lose love and respect for their men, but they are often unable (or unwilling) to adequately vocalize their unhappiness. Or, they do a good job of communicating clearly, but the guy is incapable of listening or unwilling to listen. 

Throwing counseling out the window would not be OK with me under your circumstances, personally. It signals to me that my partner is not willing to do what I may need or want to earn my trust and respect back. He only wants this on his terms, which is only going to succeed in me losing respect for him more, even if he is trying in other ways. Those other ways may not be what I NEED. 

Without counseling, how can you feel assured your needs are being communicated and understood? The same right extends to him. Counseling provides the facilitation to do this. Sometimes you have to meet a few until you find one you're equally happy with.


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