# Husband plays the lottery behind my back



## damilola

Hi there, 

I am a Christian woman and i have very strong views against gambling. I only found out my husband plays the lottery after marriage and I once ordered him to throw away a stash of old lottery tickets he kept in the dashboard of his car. 

I thought that was over but clearly not. I hv noticed he is still playing the lottery. Is this an addiction or he clearly does not care about my feelings about it and the fact that he carries on secretly means he couldnt care less of what i think? 

Can i trust this man on anything??


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## PBear

Most likely, he doesn't see it as a problem, so he chose to hide it from you and keep on doing it. 

So now the ball is in your court... What are you willing to do about it? Whether it's an addiction, or he doesn't care about your feelings, or he thinks it's "no big deal", the end result is the same. He's going to keep on doing it until something happens to change his mind. 

Is he religious too? Can you arrange a meeting with your religious leader?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug

how much does he spend on the lottery?


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## ReidWright

seems like a minor thing, unless he's spending the family grocery money on it every week. But if it's important to you, I guess it's like any other boundary in a relationship.

how did he react when you 'ordered him' to throw out the tickets?


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## ladymisato

damilola said:


> Can i trust this man on anything??


I understand that this is important to you but be careful about assuming that he understands this. He might think it is innocent harm and so indulged it secretly with no malice. As gambling goes, this is pretty innocuous.

That said, you might raise the trust issue with him. Tell him how important this is to you. Even if he doesn't share your hard stance on gambling he should at least appreciate that you take it seriously and thus regard his continued indulgence as a trust issue.


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## Hope1964

Did your husband know that you have this problem with the lottery before you got married? Because, to many people, buying lottery tickets is not gambling.


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## EleGirl

aug said:


> how much does he spend on the lottery?


damilola, this is a very important question. How much is he spending a week / month buying lottery tickets?


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## ladymisato

EleGirl said:


> damilola, this is a very important question. How much is he spending a week / month buying lottery tickets?


Keep in mind, however, that for OP this is also a matter of principle.


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## EleGirl

Those lottery tickets that you made him throw away? Had he checked them to see if he won? why was he holding on to so many old tickets?


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## richie33

He doesn't share your beliefs. They were in his car, he had them on his dashboard, doesn't seem like he was hiding anything.


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## Faeleaf

You have a difference of opinion with your spouse. That's...pretty common, and nothing alarming.

What is alarming, is trying to resolve this difference of opinion by demanding that he toe the line of your convictions, or concluding that he "doesn't care what I think" when he doesn't toe that line. Let me ask you, do you "care what he thinks"? It seems to me there are two people here who aren't really placing much value on the other person's viewpoint.


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## damilola

He must spend around £50 a week. Cz he buys lottery and raffle worth £10 a day.. Now the problem is he is already won before so am just wondering is it not greed or addiction we are dealing with. That win has already caused some trust issues in the marriage already so I dont know what to do.


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## EleGirl

Depending on how much income your both have, £50 a week can be financially devastating or it can be chump change. I could spend that and it would not hurt me finally at all. You do not say that it's a financial hardship so I'm assuming it's not.

If it's not a financial hardship the £50 a week is not an addiction. It's not spiraling out of control. I'd say that it falling into the realm of entertainment.

There a few issues here that should be looked at individually first.

1)	Your husband and you have a different value system. If you do not believe in gambling then I suggest that you not do it. Your husband is obviously fine with gambling. He gets to decide what you own values are. And he gets to live by his own values. If you don’t like his values either you divorce him or you accept his values. You are not in control of your husband. Are you this controlling over everything? 

2)	Use of one’s own earnings. Your husband earns an income. He has the right to spend some % of that income any way he wants. How much a week do each of you get as your own spending $$?

3)	If his buying lottery tickets is hurting your family financially, then that’s what you deal with. Work on a budget and determine what each of you can have as spending money each week. Then each of you can spend your money any way you want.

From what you have said, your husband does not have a gambling addiction. He’s not greedy.


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## mablenc

Maybe it's an outlet, and maybe he doesn't share your believe that "it's wrong".
Is he a good husband otherwise?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HuggyBear

damilola said:


> Hi there,
> 
> I am a Christian woman and i have very strong views against gambling....


What exactly does gambling have to do with Christianity? The "casting of lots" (where the term lottery came from) was actually a pretty common, and I'll figure "god approved" way of doing some things.

Does he covet money or some material thing? Is he just greedy? Why?

If this gambling has turned into a "sin" explain it to him.


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## Caribbean Man

damilola said:


> He must spend around £50 a week. Cz he buys lottery and raffle worth £10 a day.. Now the problem is he is already won before so am just wondering is it not greed or addiction we are dealing with. That win has already caused some trust issues in the marriage already so I dont know what to do.


Fifty pounds is quite a lot of money to be wasted on gambling.
Also if both of you are Christians and share the same belief system , then I can see why this bothers you so much.

However, if he doesn't share your belief system, then I'd say the only problem is the amount of money he's spending on the lottery.

If your family can afford it, ie; if all family financial commitments are met and it is coming out of _his_ spending money, then I think it's best you leave him alone.

Maybe it's just an outlet and he would soon come to the realization that he's wasting his own money.

Does he take you out regularly?


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## Faiora

This whole discussion is FASCINATING to me. Partly because it is very similar to another conversation I see a lot: the Porn Issue. 

A lot of men hide their porn viewing habits from their wives, because socially we're taught to believe there's something "wrong" with watching porn, yet it doesn't feel wrong to the person watching - they know they aren't trying to pursue sex or a relationship with the girls in the pornos. They're just getting a bit of visual stimulation to pleasure themselves with. What's the big deal? (On a related note, I read recently about a study the University of Winnipeg was trying to do, but they couldn't find any males who had never consumed porn for their control group... granted, it's cold up there in Winnipeg and there isn't much to do, but still... amazing right? But I digress).

Similarly, I doubt your SO sees any problem with playing the lottery, and is probably confused about your moral objection. I bet he doesn't want to hurt you, but doesn't see why he should stop. He enjoys doing it for whatever reason, and it is probably difficult for him to take your objections seriously because he doesn't understand them. NOT because he doesn't care. There's a difference. 

The main issue here, which I think Elegirl might have mentioned already (she seems to have a pretty good head on her shoulders) is that you're expecting your husband to bend to your value system, but you aren't considering his. Did you discuss gambling prior to getting married? It's obviously important to you, so it sounds like something that should have come up. 

If your marriage is somehow conditional on your spouse acting a certain way, you need to have discussed that PRIOR to getting married. You can't just mention partway in that you aren't okay with something, and expect everything to happen your way. He gets an equal say, which means either you compromise, or you agree to disagree (which means he can use his spending money for whatever he wants, including the lottery). 

If religion is your reason (i.g. if you are worried your husband might not get into heaven or something), then I think you need to discuss the issue with a leader at your church or temple. If you do that, I would be careful for now to stick with the issue at hand - that your husband plays the lottery and you disagree with that (not that he's hiding lottery tickets - which is just your perception as far as I can tell). Then you can address that concern with your husband in a more specific way - that you are concerned for his afterlife, for example. 

To me that sounds like quite a lot of money to spend on gambling, but as some have already said, it's all relative. Discuss with your spouse - maybe he can cut back, or stick to a spending limit. 

But seriously, what makes you think it's okay to tell your spouse "No, you're not allowed to do this"?


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## richie33

I find " I ordered him" to be disturbing.


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## damilola

Well... I have decided to just let him be. At least he now knows how I feel about it. So if he carries on so be it.. From everyone's comments. It seems as if I am imposing my values on him. 


I just see it as deception because he led me to believe we have some beliefs all along abt playing the lottery by doing it secretly behind my back. I see it as a breach in trust.


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## Faiora

damilola said:


> Well... I have decided to just let him be. At least he now knows how I feel about it. So if he carries on so be it.. From everyone's comments. It seems as if I am imposing my values on him.
> 
> I just see it as deception because he led me to believe we have some beliefs all along abt playing the lottery by doing it secretly behind my back. I see it as a breach in trust.


Most of the time when I get into an argument with my SO, it's because we love each other. I know that sounds weird but consider this possibility:

Your SO found out partway into your relationship that you aren't okay with gambling. He didn't know or didn't fully realize this before you got married, and to him it seems strange. *But he wants to make you happy because he loves you*, and an effective solution to that end is to hide his gambling. Because you see, if he stops gambling for you, then that's unfair, and it might breed more resentment than his current solution. So lying seems like a win-win solution. 

I'm not saying it's right that he's hiding things and lying. In fact, if this is the case then it indicates there's a problem between the two of you because the lines of communication aren't open. You have contributed to that by "laying down the law" when you could have had an open discussion, and he has contributed by not standing up for himself and his own beliefs.


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## CoralReef

OP, just curious would you have also demanded that he throw out or give away all of the money if after you found out he was playing the lottery you also found out that he had won a very significant amount of money...enough to ensure your children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren wouldn't have to worry about paying for college, homelessness, etc.


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## Dedicated2Her

damilola said:


> Well... I have decided to just let him be. At least he now knows how I feel about it. So if he carries on so be it.. From everyone's comments. It seems as if I am imposing my values on him.
> 
> 
> I just see it as deception because he led me to believe we have some beliefs all along abt playing the lottery by doing it secretly behind my back. I see it as a breach in trust.


You must be a peach to live with. Dear heavens.


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## lookingforpeace

Partners do things that the other partners dont like. Its part of marriage. Get over it. As long as he isnt spending thousands of dollars 'gambling' I feel a lottery ticket isnt a big deal. If he won the lottery would you say no to 1 million dollars? Buying a lottery ticket is his thing dont take that away from him, you might not like it but what is he hurting?


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## lenzi

damilola said:


> I once ordered him to throw away a stash of old lottery tickets he kept in the dashboard of his car.


"I hereby order you to cease and desist your lottery playing at once!"

Lady if you were my partner I don't think you'd even want to know what I'd say in response to such an over the top ultimatum. 

It certainly wouldn't be "yes dear".


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## 6301

damilola said:


> Well... I have decided to just let him be. At least he now knows how I feel about it. So if he carries on so be it.. From everyone's comments. It seems as if I am imposing my values on him.
> 
> 
> I just see it as deception because he led me to believe we have some beliefs all along abt playing the lottery by doing it secretly behind my back. I see it as a breach in trust.


 I can understand your values and because of the way you view gambling as something not to your expectations but before you start getting all bent out of shape with this, maybe you should take a look at the infidelity section of the forum, read a few of the threads posted there and you'll see that your husband playing the lottery is not a biggie, but if you continue to harp on him about it, and make demands like you did, your asking for a lot of trouble.


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