# Is it possible to separate on good terms



## Gregory74 (Jun 29, 2016)

My wife and I have started talking about possibly ending our marriage. We haven't been happy for quite a while and although we haven't been at each throats (it used to be like that but we worked through many issues), we agree that we are growing apart. We have three kids (16, 13 and 9) and I have always been told that you shouldn't stay together just for the kids, but that's easier to said than done.

We talked yesterday about whether it makes more sense to end things now on agreeable terms where we feel we can be friends, or to continue to "try to make it work" and risk growing further apart and ending in a messy situation. I think we're both conflicted, but I know that I am for sure. Part of thinks that separating means failure, and another part thinks making a new start is best for everyone.

If anyone has any advice, I would be very grateful.
Greg


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Before you go that route have you tried finding a GOOD MC?


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

Therapy?

Usually when people are done, they know it, regardless of the conflict. You guys seem resigned more than anything. 

It might be worth while to engage in therapy not only to clarify where you both stand and what you both want, but also, if you decide to separate, you can work on the terms there, in an atmosphere that is far less adversarial than when you both lawyer up.


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

Greg I don't think we have enough information to give you any meaningful advice. What is the source of conflict(s) with your wife? What steps have you taken to resolve your issues? Often a trained professional (counselor) is required to ferret out issues and find a solution.

To answer one of your questions, I know a couple who remained cordial after their divorce and each treat the other with dignity. They are not, however, "friends". Couples who remain friends after a divorce are very rare.

Are you certain that you have exhausted every avenue of reconciliation? If so, your kids will pick up on continued dysfunction and will come to believe "just getting by" is normal.

Only you can really answer these questions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gregory74 (Jun 29, 2016)

Thanks for the replies.

Here is a little more info: we've been together for 18 years, married 15 years next month. We have been through a lot of ups and downs including some major financial difficulties, mental health problems, family medical issues. We have been to counselling and have seen minor improvements. But I think the biggest part of this whole thing is that we have focused on the kids and the money and the house, and so on, for so long we never took the time for ourselves. Now that we are looking at that, and looking at what makes us happy individually and as a couple, and it seems like the pieces don't fit anymore. We're not interested in the same things. We have different visions for the future.

And good point about what the kids see ... I'm pretty sure that the older kids see what is happening.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Have you considered that the way you two are trying to "make things work", isn't beneficial?

I think as a couple, you should read "His Needs, Her Needs", and "Love & Respect". You both should learn the concepts and principles taught in both books, and put them to work in your marriage.

A successful marriage takes work, and effort from both parties. Healing your marriage isn't going to be easy, and isn't going to happen overnight. But, if you both are committed, and practice what is taught in the books mentioned above, then you're sure to succeed.

As for you having different visions of the future, that is a problem. But you're married, so the only moral way to go is forward. You both swore to love the other till the day you died. You both have to decide whether you're an honorable person, or someone who only does the honorable thing when it's convenient.


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## Gregory74 (Jun 29, 2016)

Hi BioFury ... I'm sure you mean well, and you can rest assured that over the past 15 years we shown our commitment to each other and our family day in and day out ... the problem is, the common ground is not achievable.

... and I'm going to ignore your last sentence.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Gregory74 said:


> Hi BioFury ... I'm sure you mean well, and you can rest assured that over the past 15 years we shown our commitment to each other and our family day in and day out ... the problem is, the common ground is not achievable.
> 
> ... and I'm going to ignore your last sentence.


Huh, I could have swore you just posted that you prioritized other things rather than each other.

Please help me understand how that is demonstrating commitment, because as I see it, commitment requires more than just your presence.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Gregory74 said:


> Hi BioFury ... I'm sure you mean well, and you can rest assured that over the past 15 years we shown our commitment to each other and our family day in and day out ... the problem is, the common ground is not achievable.
> 
> ... and I'm going to ignore your last sentence.


Ignore away, it appears you've made your choice.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Is there an influence of a third party in this decision?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Is it possible to separate on good terms? Our answer doesn't really matter, every relationship is unique. Maybe you can do that maybe you can't. That is really on both of you.

I would caution you, though even people who are thrilled to be divorced experience some loss. Living half your life with someone makes it hard to just pull away even if you are not in love anymore. Also just because you are without this woman doesn't mean you will necessarily have a better life. It's still a risk.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think it is possible as long as you each are of the correct personality type. As long as you don't get into the mode of trying to "win". As long as you remember that whether you get 40% or 60% really doesn't matter in the long run. There is never a "fair" way to split everything, so accept that each of you will feel like you haven't quite gotten your share.

If you can do it, it will make you far happier than any money you might a managed to grab if things got ugly.


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