# Divorce started. This hurts really bad!! (Update from "Enough is Enough")



## trinmir (Aug 25, 2014)

Here is my previous post for those who have not read it. I just want to give a little more background. I hope I posted the link correctly.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...242-when-enough-just-enough.html#post10131402

I really didn't think that it would hurt this bad. He has been so bad to me and I'm not sure why I'm experiencing so much pain. He has tried coming back several times but I remained strong. I did have a conversation with him once, but his words were so lame. He did not say anything to me that i have not heard already. I let him fake poor out his fake little heart, but I still stuck with my decision. 

Let me add this, the times that he had been trying to contact me and talk to me was always late at night. i would never answer the phone or the door. then he finally came to my job and i talked to him on my lunch break. He still keeps trying but he only tries to come late at night. He thinks I'm some kind of fool.

Anyway, after contacting several divorce centers, i finally starting the proceedings with one. It fits right into my budget. They told me that it should only take about 4 weeks after filing in the courts because He and I have nothing together. I am so excited about getting this done and over with, but it hurts so bad at the same time. I can't even sleep and i have lost so much weight because I can't eat. I know that this has to be done or the cycle will continue. It's so hard sleeping with a broken heart. But then I have to think to myself, my heart was broken when he was there. Is this normal?


----------



## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

*Re: Divorce started. This hurts really bad!! (Update from "Enough is Enough")*

Yes, it is totally normal when you are living with someone when you know he may be wanting to be somewhere else. It is normal not to be able to sleep and eat, weight loss, you name it... D is starting and it also will end as everthing in life. 

I am in this process, waiting for the judge date to sign final documents and want this so hard to be over but at the same time hurts. Get you. It is very therapeutical to come here and vent. You will have good and bad days, but little by little the bad days are less and less and you get back to sleep. 

Just this past weekend an expert person told me my grief will start when I sign papers.. come on!? That is not what I want to hear! But somehow knowing it and being ready for it having gone through 2 years of separation has to help. Try to get strenght, IC and live your grief. It is a normal and needing process unfortunately we have to go through.

I am looking for a job, and most of the days I wake up now possitive and happy, taking my time (in terms of finding the right one and dont make a choice that later I can regret). So my busy days now are getting outs to breakfasts after walking in the morning, meetings wherever they invite me, just get out of this house. Also have found out I have been able to work in the house several things that needed to be done and 2 years went by and I didnt care. Little by little, we will be over this. ((((HUGS)))))


----------



## trinmir (Aug 25, 2014)

*Re: Divorce started. This hurts really bad!! (Update from "Enough is Enough")*

Yes, I have to get out and keep busy. It's kind of hard to do because when I get home from work I'm so exhausted. I also have a fifteen year old that needs my attention. Sometimes I just want to just go in my room and stay there. But she loves to share everything with me so I stay and talk with her until it's time to sleep. Oh that's so hard right now.

I just don't know why I'm so down. It's not like he was a prize. He was so wrong for me. But I loved him dearly!!



Bluebirdie said:


> Yes, it is totally normal when you are living with someone when you know he may be wanting to be somewhere else. It is normal not to be able to sleep and eat, weight loss, you name it... D is starting and it also will end as everthing in life.
> 
> I am in this process, waiting for the judge date to sign final documents and want this so hard to be over but at the same time hurts. Get you. It is very therapeutical to come here and vent. You will have good and bad days, but little by little the bad days are less and less and you get back to sleep.
> 
> ...


----------



## vn1955 (Jun 30, 2014)

*Re: Divorce started. This hurts really bad!! (Update from "Enough is Enough")*

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's awful to read threads of so many of us going through a divorce that we don't want, even if it was a marriage ready to end. I signed up for DivorceCare. It's a support group and it has really helped me understand my emotions and know that what you're going through is "normal". Although I hate to use the word "normal", because...come on! I've also heard that the real grieving begins when your divorce is finalized. I guess because it's so final. You've really detached yourself. Our HW this week was to list our losses (home, future, family, etc.). It's important to make an inventory of your losses and grieve them. But know that you still have a future. I know you're exhausted at the end of the day because your emotions are sucking up 85% of your energy. Be easy on yourself.


----------



## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

*Re: Divorce started. This hurts really bad!! (Update from "Enough is Enough")*



trinmir said:


> Yes, I have to get out and keep busy. It's kind of hard to do because when I get home from work I'm so exhausted. I also have a fifteen year old that needs my attention. Sometimes I just want to just go in my room and stay there. But she loves to share everything with me so I stay and talk with her until it's time to sleep. Oh that's so hard right now.
> 
> I just don't know why I'm so down. It's not like he was a prize. He was so wrong for me. But I loved him dearly!!


TOTALLY get you, vn1955 gave us important info we need to know to be ready and work hard for ourselves. 

I just came from the 1 year mass of his grandmother death, I wasnt and to be honest, didnt expect him to go, so I went (not like the day of the funeral last year when I didnt go). Felt good to be hugged by his family, mostly telling me they were happy I was looking good and wanted the best for me, felt like honest wishes... cause in the bottom, the truth is I was rejected and that hurts, besides the marriage failure feeling, loneliness, you name it. 

One step at the time. I am glad your 15 year old is waiting for you when you are back from home. My 24, almost 25! was here when I came and I just wanted to take my shoes off, put them in his bed and got a "hey mom!!!!!!!" my answer-action was to take one of the shoes and rub it in his bed... I dont need this! If I dont go out he is critizes me, if I do, I dont get a "well done mom"... guess we start to think on ourselves. On the other side my daughter who lives abroad had to listen to me cry before we said good bye few days ago in India, each one going back to the country we are living. She asked me to try to talk to his dad... which I did, but got the same answer. My conclusion: Take what is good for YOU and reject what is not. We are not in a position to explain ourselves. Just need to get over and grab the hand of whomever offers it with a good heart.

You are not alone. Knowing it helps. ((((hugs))))


----------



## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

*Re: Divorce started. This hurts really bad!! (Update from "Enough is Enough")*



vn1955 said:


> I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's awful to read threads of so many of us going through a divorce that we don't want, even if it was a marriage ready to end. I signed up for DivorceCare. It's a support group and it has really helped me understand my emotions and know that what you're going through is "normal". Although I hate to use the word "normal", because...come on! I've also heard that the real grieving begins when your divorce is finalized. I guess because it's so final. You've really detached yourself. Our HW this week was to list our losses (home, future, family, etc.). It's important to make an inventory of your losses and grieve them. But know that you still have a future. I know you're exhausted at the end of the day because your emotions are sucking up 85% of your energy. Be easy on yourself.


Thank you for the information, I really appreaciate it and truth to be told, yes... 85% of my energy taken makes sense. The other 15 I do it somehow obligating myself but am beginning to enjoy. NEVER thought I was going to be one of those women having breakfasts and going to meetings that had nothing to do with work in 25 years... but time comes and then I learned to use it on the possitive way for me. 

Oh my... date for the signing in front of the judge has not come, now I am more eager for it to come to start and finish this process. Could say I am ready for it, but I cant be sure. This process is full of surprises that arise within me I couldnt imagine in my life. 

thank you for your post!


----------



## trinmir (Aug 25, 2014)

*Re: Divorce started. This hurts really bad!! (Update from "Enough is Enough")*

thank you!! i'm trying.



vn1955 said:


> I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's awful to read threads of so many of us going through a divorce that we don't want, even if it was a marriage ready to end. I signed up for DivorceCare. It's a support group and it has really helped me understand my emotions and know that what you're going through is "normal". Although I hate to use the word "normal", because...come on! I've also heard that the real grieving begins when your divorce is finalized. I guess because it's so final. You've really detached yourself. Our HW this week was to list our losses (home, future, family, etc.). It's important to make an inventory of your losses and grieve them. But know that you still have a future. I know you're exhausted at the end of the day because your emotions are sucking up 85% of your energy. Be easy on yourself.


----------



## trinmir (Aug 25, 2014)

*Re: Divorce started. This hurts really bad!! (Update from "Enough is Enough")*

oh my!! date of the signing in front of the judge. i wish that could be done another way. they did tell me that he doesn't have to appear. i hope that is the case. i really do not want to see him at all. i wish i could just erase everything but i can't.

the good thing is, i know that we will never cross paths again unless he makes it happen. we are total opposites and are in two different worlds, so i know that i will not run into him anywhere. THANK GOD!!



Bluebirdie said:


> Thank you for the information, I really appreaciate it and truth to be told, yes... 85% of my energy taken makes sense. The other 15 I do it somehow obligating myself but am beginning to enjoy. NEVER thought I was going to be one of those women having breakfasts and going to meetings that had nothing to do with work in 25 years... but time comes and then I learned to use it on the possitive way for me.
> 
> Oh my... date for the signing in front of the judge has not come, now I am more eager for it to come to start and finish this process. Could say I am ready for it, but I cant be sure. This process is full of surprises that arise within me I couldnt imagine in my life.
> 
> thank you for your post!


----------



## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

*Re: Divorce started. This hurts really bad!! (Update from "Enough is Enough")*

They also told me it is a five minute thing, that you go, the paper is read (even a judge cant be present, just his rep since he already "authorized" the demand)... I will start making a brain wash days before not to get nervous. Like you I know we are opposites and his actions have not shown me anything besides his "need" to dispose me urgently. I will give him his satisfaction, wishing he doesnt come back later as I did once because dont want to be in an uncomfortable situation with my own self and him.


----------



## trinmir (Aug 25, 2014)

*Re: Divorce started. This hurts really bad!! (Update from "Enough is Enough")*

i hope it's that quick and i hope he doesn't show. 

i have been dealing with this man and his crap with this other woman for our entire marriage. i just kept thinking that he finally realized what he had and decided to make things right. He did no such thing. so i feel hurt, angry, stressed, abandoned and unwanted.

had i known beforehand about him and this woman who he has been dealing with for so long, he and i would not have ever gone this far. and the fact that i did give so much time to him for nothing is so hurtful!



Bluebirdie said:


> They also told me it is a five minute thing, that you go, the paper is read (even a judge cant be present, just his rep since he already "authorized" the demand)... I will start making a brain wash days before not to get nervous. Like you I know we are opposites and his actions have not shown me anything besides his "need" to dispose me urgently. I will give him his satisfaction, wishing he doesnt come back later as I did once because dont want to be in an uncomfortable situation with my own self and him.


----------



## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

*Re: Divorce started. This hurts really bad!! (Update from "Enough is Enough")*

Hi Trinmir, how are you doing?


----------



## trinmir (Aug 25, 2014)

*Re: Divorce started. This hurts really bad!! (Update from "Enough is Enough")*

Hi Bluebirdie!!

Thank you for reaching out to me 

I am hanging in there. just taking everything day by day. It's starting to ease up a little.



Bluebirdie said:


> Hi Trinmir, how are you doing?


----------



## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

*Re: Divorce started. This hurts really bad!! (Update from "Enough is Enough")*

I am glad you are doing better and we will be fine one day if not soon. This morning I had my appointment with a new therapist (changed from the one that was before because it was the same one ex was looking... no sense anymore). And he left me homework: Why did you let this last so long? ... of course answer comes easy: Because I loved him, because of the family, because, blah blah blah... but the truth starts from the fact that people difficultly change and it was to be their real will to work in the marriage to dance the famous tango in couple... so if I saw signs before why? ... so... we will work about ME in the next weeks, only ME since my childhood, like it  You were not 28 years in this relation, thats a plus  BIG HUG!!!!


----------

