# I confessed!



## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

Well...... I confessed.......... about the EA i had for almost 8 months. Everything went way different then i had imagined. I imagined the worst. I told him everything he wanted to know and was 100% honest with him about everything. He is pretty upset about the entire thing, and i don't blame him one bit. I do feel better about telling him. I feel that now we can move forward to make our marriage better.


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## sdesruiss (Mar 16, 2011)

That's great. Honesty is the best policy! He was probably not as upset since you came to him and admitted things vs him finding out on his own. Continue to be open and honest and I am sure you will go a long way. Be Happy!


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## bird (Apr 7, 2011)

maybe so Doc, I hope so for their sake. my W confessed to me also, I'm still in torment though, you need to keep him reassured that you are being 100% honest with him! I am so not sure of what my W tells me it really messes with my head. his questioning you will get bothersome but stick with it and try not to let it get under your skin, and show you him you still really do love him!! your in control of a large part of his healing process and it could still go sour at any time. hang in there and dont give up! you have caused some real damage and he is the victim, dont forget that because if you ever tried to turn that around it could crush him. as a betrayed spouse I thank you for being honest with your man, honesty is the best medicine!!


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

This is good news. You did the right thing by confessing all this to your husband. You should probably expect him to go through a great deal of roller coaster of emotions. I would recommend the book "men are like waffles, women are like spaghetti" by Bill and Pam Ferrell. This book talks about how men and women think and behave differently. This is a very difficult time for your husband right now. If you are truly committed to making your marriage work, read about the different ways men think and deal with their emotions. This will show him you care and are willing to look at and care for his needs. Good luck to you. And what about the man you had the EA with? Was he married?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

In memory of the love you once had for him, it was the least you could do. Maybe now love has a chance to rise from the ashes of your affair for the two of you.

Good luck.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Good for you for respecting him enough to tell him the truth.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

good for you but......

in short run......bad for him.

u see, u FEEL better now but thats 'cuz u've "dropped the ball"
in his court his gotta carry it.
seen it plenty o' times.

now u have to bear with him and what he "carries".
but i'd suggest u agree to some time-frame/term limits.

lol. u'll see.


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## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> And what about the man you had the EA with? Was he married?


Yes the om is married.


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## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

My H told me he never suspected anything, so it was a huge shock for him. I do know that it will take quite some time for him to heal and anything he needs i will be there for him.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

good for you ladybyrd


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ask him whatyou can do to help him, what he needs, etc. be totally open and tran sparent w/ him.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

perhaps it would be beneficial to call the OMW and confess?


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## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

I would have to send the omw an email or something along those lines. I deleted all of his contact info. Do you guys think i should tell his wife. I was not the only one. I know of 3 woman in which he has pa's with, maybe more. I should have kept some of the emails he sent me. So what do you guys think??? I think she has a right to know.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

you are absolutely right, she does have a right to know, good luck.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

ladyybyrd said:


> I would have to send the omw an email or something along those lines. I deleted all of his contact info. Do you guys think i should tell his wife. I was not the only one. I know of 3 woman in which he has pa's with, maybe more. I should have kept some of the emails he sent me. So what do you guys think??? I think she has a right to know.


its a no brainer byrd.
if was his first time, maybe cut him a break/some slack/mercy.
Yet...this is his 3rd u say? Shout it from the rooftops if u have
to as there'll be OTHER victims to come if u dont.

THATS RIGHT, I SAID....SHOUT!

in the end u'll be doing him a favor too.

shalom.......


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## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

I will have to figure out what to say to the omw.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

ladyybyrd said:


> I will have to figure out what to say to the omw.


May I suggest that you talk to your husband about telling her before you do so? It's safe to assume the OM will lash out at you and you want to be prepared to respond in the way that your husband would feel comfortable. I'm sure he'd want to see anything the OM sent to you (I'm assuming you wouldn't pick up the phone), at the very least.


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

Ladyybyrd - my suggestion is that you DO NOT tell the other wife. It is up to HER husband to tell her, if he so wishes.

You exercised your right to tell your husband....the OM has the same right; to tell her or not to tell her. You did what you felt was right for your marriage, let him decide (and respect it) what is right for his.

I would like to ask you a personal question...in the hope you will answer it!

.....why did you have an affair? All married people make the same vows (basically...). What made you have an affair?


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## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

jezza said:


> .....why did you have an affair? All married people make the same vows (basically...). What made you have an affair?



This is not an excuses for what i did.

I never intended to get involved with anyone in anyway. It all started when I though my H was messing around. I had over heard my H and his 18 year old son talking about something that really bothered me and i let it fester thinking that can not be what i heard. Shortly after my over hearing, i decided to do some digging and you know it never occurred to me to check his computer, until after i flat out asked him if there was something going on. Didn't find anything. Nothing not a trace. 

When i though my h was having an affair, my H was not there for me whatsoever. He would say it was all in my head and that there was something wrong with me. at this point we hadn't had sex in almost 7 months, we weren't even sleeping in the same room. He would sleep in his chair out in the living room almost every night and would spend hours on his computer. He thought yelling and screaming at me would help the situation. Well it made it worse. Obviously!


My husband was cold and emotionally distant towards me, which was something that was not normal with us. We used to be very close, he used to be my best friend.
I can't really explain how I felt through all of this. I was in the bottom of a deep dark pit and i could not seem to claw my way out of it. I was screaming help me and no one heard me. I had racing thoughts, I was extremely depressed. I couldn't tell if i were coming or going, I stopped sleeping, i couldn't eat. I lost over 30lbs in a month. I felt alone. I was going to hurt my self because I just could not do it anymore. I had lost the trust i once had in my H, because of his actions and what i had heard between him and his son on more then one occasion. He denied everything, of course. 

I like to think of my self as a very strong person and I am for the most part, but my emotions get the best of me sometimes. Sometimes it can be very hard for me to get a grip on them, deepening on what state of mind I'm in. I have been through a lot in my life. And have suffered from depression for most of my life.

I met the OM in the worst time in my life.( It would not have happened otherwise.) I was vulnerable, he listened and was there for me, where as my h was not. After talking to him i felt a little better to get everything out i was feeling. Day by day the OM and I got to know each other almost inside and out. The OM was poison for me. He fueled my thoughts on my H having an affair, he wanted me for himself. I didn't realize what he was doing at the time. 

During this time i started pulling away from my h. I stopped talking to my h all together. He never said anything to me about it. He didn't even notice. I wanted him to catch me. I was not careful at all. I continued to talk to the om. He made me feel better. I never intended to ever sleep with him and I didn't. Even though after a while a part of me wanted to, i just could not do it! I could not give my self to another man, all i wanted was the man i married, who ignored me and made me feel like a god damn door mat. 

Talking only made things worse. So i stopped and so did my H. We would constantly fight non stop and in 13 years of marriage last year was a bad year. We fought more in 1 year then we had in 13 years! 

Now, things aren't in that much chaos now, but things just aren't the same and more then likely will never be the way they were. I still have the feeling that something is not right, STILL, its been a year.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

While I think the betrayed spouse has a right to know, always, I don't think the one who tells them should be the OW/OM. It seems even worse that way. Unless the OW/OM had no clue the person they cheated with was married or didn't find out til the end when they cut it off.


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

Ladyybyrd,

"I never intended to ever sleep with him and I didn't."....In that case all he was was a shoulder to cry on, a sympathetic ear....a friend. 

You did say that you WANTED to sleep with him.... in my book, wanting to sleep with someone other than your spouse but not actually doing it doesn't constitute 'adultery'.

I would reckon that 95% of men on here have wanted to 'sleep with' another woman but haven't....and maybe 50% of women have had the same thought.

Unless I am missing the message here and that 'sleeping with' only means actual penetrative sex...???

However, if LB feels that whatever she did constitutes having an affair, whilst we might not agree, we (I) have to respect and understand that.

And Ladyybyrd...thanks for reponding!


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