# My Wife Wants to End the Marriage



## b80

Hi all,
I'd really appreciate some insight into how I should play our situation after my wife of 5 years announced she wanted to separate/end the marriage last weekend. Bit of a long one but will hopefully give you a decent insight

We've been together for 9 years, married for 5. We have a 16 month old daughter.

My wife says she has been unhappy for a while and although she loves me she is no longer 'in love with me'.

Unfortunately I think this may have been due to all the pressures that were brought into our life around the time our daughter was born. We both work full time now, my wife had the year off when C was born.
.
Around 20 months ago a fairly low key business I was running in addition to working 35 hours full time really took off when an expansion opportunity arrived. There was risk involved, we debated it for a few months before agreeing that we were confident we could make it work. For the next 6 months I worked on this project alone and it took off. We could see further earning potential if F was to help out and she volunteered/agreed as it would offer an outlet from mothering duties, but with no expectations as clearly our daughter was (is) the number 1 priority. 

Due to my driven/single minded nature I kept pushing and pushing and pushing us to work harder, become more efficient and earn us more money. I have always hated debt and I could suddenly see something that with a bit of graft would make us financially independent and change the course of our lives. F bought into this dream and we were constantly talking about the happiness holidays, starting other businesses and mainly the feeling of being financially free and having the gift of choice would bring.

After the initial couple of months of enjoying seeing the business grow and thrive I think having so much on our plates gradually started to take its toll on the relationship. At first I was happy to have my wife just helping with a few bits of the business with no pressure, but then over time I started to expect that we'd spend all evening working on it. I'd get annoyed and make digs if I caught F looking at her phone chatting to her friends on facebook. I'd deem that as a waste of time and I'd let her know about it.

Arguments would break out more frequently and I'd start to criticize mistakes she made. She was telling me I was denting her confidence by being critical. I 100% didn’t want to dent her confidence, it was my misguided way of trying to make sure she was aware of the severity of the mistake and not to make it a 3rd/4th time. Bickering would break at other random times too. We would argue for 10-30 mins then we would always make up before bed. I just saw it as I due to the pressure I had brought on us and not investing enough time in our relationship, but it was water under the bridge once we made up.

By now F is back in full time employment. She has a demanding management role and I kept pressuring her not to do more than 35 hours as the business was more lucrative. Over the last few months this means we've both been working over 70 works each. We'd spend every evening 7 days a week working on the business once C had gone to sleep.

On top of this I have been extremely controlling with money. We only have a joint account, but sadly this has turned into me basically being in control of all of our money - this has been the way for a few years now. As I mentioned earlier I'm extremely single minded and most of my focus was going into us hitting the magical number for financial independence. Therefore over time it turned into a case of F having to get permission from me for most purchases. If I felt it wasn't entirely necessary I'd make her feel bad, even though eventually I’d normally see reason and agree to the purchase later on - but by then bad feeling had been created and it was like I was giving her my permission to buy the items. Anything that didn’t tie in with my goal would be met with scorn.

She recently mentioned her teeth were causing her confidence issues, I played it down saying we're not spending thousands on the teeth - they have never been mentioned over the previous 10 years together. This upset her saying I don't understand how unhappy they make her feel. I said you need to work on it from inside rather than throwing money at the issue and that I don’t agree with people spending money on teeth or plastic surgery and how it sets a bad example to our daughter.

Anyway, it all come to head a week or so ago. We have a developer who has agreed to buy our current house and I mentioned it and F said she thinks we should call it off as she has doubts about us. At first I was p1ssed as we had been working so hard and were on the verge of reaching our financial independence goal after all the sacrifice we had made. F said we keep arguing and she is deeply unhappy. I was struggling with this as she knows we're near reaching the goal so why bring this up now. I said all along that once we reach the goal then she can do whatever she wants in the evening and I won't be so controlling with money any more.

She feels due to my driven nature there will always be something. I said how about £200 a month to start with, spend it however you want I won't judge or pass comment on it. She initially agreed. The atmosphere between us wasn;t great, compounded by the fact she had a girls night a week Saturday go and didn't get in until 5am from a hen do. I 100% trust she hasn't cheated on me, but she never has stayed out until this time previously, I think it was a big release from all the pressure and freedom from me. Sadly she also took part helping a friend with their business the weekend before so I made digs about her being a mum now and how it's not really on doing that 2 weeks on the trot. If those 2 events had been a month or so apart it wouldn’t have been an issue. Sadly our daughter came down with a bad cold and rash at the same time as the night out so it's been broken sleep since then.

On Sat F informed me of her intention to leave me. She is deeply unhappy from criticizing which is denting her confidence. I honestly didn’t know it was having such an effect. Also my control over money is way over the top, especially as she works full time and earns the same as me. £200 gesture at first seemed reasonable, but still feels like I'm controlling her through this.

She has told her close friends and family of her intentions- this really concerns me as I imagine it makes it harder for her to change her mind I'm guessing. She says they have told her she should leave if she's unhappy and that they wouldn't put up with how I've acted. At first I was talking her around but she says we’ve been through similar before and that it will go back to those ways after another brief honeymoon period. The split will be amicable we have agreed how our assets/finance will be divided. We want to avoid solicitors and will keep things 

As you can imagine the last few days have been a rollercoaster. Yesterday I worked out all of our finances and in a bitter sweet moment I realized we have actually met the financial goal I wanted us to hit.

She still wants to press on with the separation. She intends on calling our mortgage supplier later today to begin the process of buying me out/putting this house into her name alone. 

Over the past day after initially trying to urge her to stay, I have adopted an approach of 'what will be will be'. I understand from reading a few random articles that grovelling/begging/constantly talking about it is likely to be a real turn off at this stage, so instead I'm portraying confidence and self-assurance that I've come to terms with her decision. My mum has met with her and F has assured her there is no turning back on her decision.

We had good light hearted chat about hobbies this morning, but the intention is still to split from her side (not that it was raised). Part of me is preparing for the worst but a stronger part is now determined to win her over. She is a great mum and wife, my best friend as well. I'm not prepared to lose her just yet, I'm absolutely determined not to lose her but I don’t want to push it too hard to soon.

I want to put across to her that now we have reached the goal I will support her to reach hers. I genuinely want to make her to be the happiest woman alive. I think she will do this by being able to pursue her goals with those 3/4 hours back each evening to spend as she wants. Whether its formulating her own business plan/investments, studying, chatting to her friends, buying clothes/makeup or just watching tv. I genuinely don’t care what she does, it's her choice. I've always had 100% confidence in her to be successful in whatever she puts her mind to, which I;ve told her. But now we have our mortgage more than covered I feel relaxed about loosening the purse strings and giving her a substantial 5 figure sum to start her own business venture, which she has always wanted to do, or frankly do anything she wants with it.

She still loves me but isn no longer in love with me. I have caused this by forcing her to follow my dreams to the detriment of everything else (apart from our daughter). How can I change her mind about leaving? What is the right approach to take at this stage? I want to tell her tonight that as I said previously she has helped me reach my goal, now I will do everything to help her reach hers. By making the sacrifices we have over the last couple of years she can now leave her job if she wants, she has the financial backing to pursue what she wants to… it has change the shape of our lives. I don’t want to pressure her, I almost feel that my approach of acceptance to her decision of breaking up may be working but its difficult to tell. I feel like my trump card is telling her how I will now back her in anything she chooses, how much I lover her and oiur daughter and their happiness is paramount to me, but I'm wondering if another few days of giving her space and me acting like I;ve accepted the decision will work better than approaching her tonight - to soon maybe??

Anyway, really appreicate an advice as it's an emotional rollercoaster at present!

Many thanks
M


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## Andy1001

Have you any idea of the type of person you come across as? Your wife must feel like she has spent the last few years at boot camp.Are you her husband or her commanding officer?
I'm not surprised she stayed out until five am,I'm surprised she came home at all.And now that YOU have reached your goals you are "prepared" to help her reach hers.That's really benevolent of you.
You don't seem too bothered actually about your wife being unhappy for so long,you just seem inconvenienced.If she gets half of everything,which she deserves then you can go back to seventy hour weeks again and you will hardly miss her.


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## b80

Andy1001 said:


> Have you any idea of the type of person you come across as? Your wife must feel like she has spent the last few years at boot camp.Are you her husband or her commanding officer?
> I'm not surprised she stayed out until five am,I'm surprised she came home at all.And now that YOU have reached your goals you are "prepared" to help her reach hers.That's really benevolent of you.
> You don't seem too bothered actually about your wife being unhappy for so long,you just seem inconvenienced.If she gets half of everything,which she deserves then you can go back to seventy hour weeks again and you will hardly miss her.



thanks for your input Andy... maybe it's the truth and what I needed to hear, maybe I haven't framed it in the best way as I'm strung out at present!

I do wonder if maybe I am a truly selfish person and would be better off alone. I know I am extremely goal orientated and become obsessive once i sets my sights on a goal but I also know how much I love my family.

My feelings were that this business opportunity may not be around again, so I wanted to make hay whilst the sun shined as it has been relatively easy money. 

We were both on the same page with it at the offset, a couple of years of hard graft to raise the capital to not have to worry about debt in our lives anymore. Therefore we could choose to give up work if we wanted. No stress if we lost our jobs as we have no debt. Effectively buy freedom for the rest of our lives by sacrificing the short term.

I know I haven't gone about things in the best way but my intentions were for the long term security of the family. 

I would appreciate any advice on how to save the marriage please.


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## ButtPunch

b80 said:


> I would appreciate any advice on how to save the marriage please.


You can't. It has to be her idea.

I would start by checking her phone bill and make sure there isn't another person involved in the marriage.

This will determine the advice you get.


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## SunCMars

Andy is right.

Andy is right because he read your entire posting.

You have admitted to all of us that you have treated her as an employee and a rare lover and bedmate.

Money is a good thing and to get it usually requires a lot of hard work and sacrifice. Same as a marriage.
You did not invest emotional capital in your wife, you did not feed her ego.

You took care of your business and let your marriage and wife go bankrupt.

Fix her teeth? WTH!

For 15K pounds she would have a million dollar smile. A smile that would last twenty years before a new investment would be required. A good return on capital.
And a happy wife!

Why are you working so hard if you cannot enjoy some of the riches that you have reaped. 

I think you need to start from scratch and start dating her again. It may be too late.
No women is going to leave a marriage with a toddler in tow, unless she is really at her ropes end. Unless she has another man in the wings.
Could be one or both. Dunno.

Just Sayin'


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## b80

She's told her friends I was suffocating her. She swears no other man is involved and I believe her entirely on this. At this point i think she would admit it after the conversations we've had together.

Would you broach the subject of me admitting I've been way too demanding and a bad husband, then going on to say how we've achieved the goal and I'm more than happy for her to as she pleases with the money and I promise not to be so harsh/controlling from now one?


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## Blondilocks

Your promises will mean nothing as she has seen you in action. What you can do is get into therapy to determine why you felt you had the right to treat your wife like an indentured servant. This will let her know that you are serious about changing your ways.

Your talk about being driven for the good of the family was just talk. It was pure selfishness on your part.


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## ButtPunch

b80 said:


> She's told her friends I was suffocating her. She swears no other man is involved and I believe her entirely on this. At this point i think she would admit it after the conversations we've had together.
> 
> Would you broach the subject of me admitting I've been way too demanding and a bad husband, then going on to say how we've achieved the goal and I'm more than happy for her to as she pleases with the money and I promise not to be so harsh/controlling from now one?


Don't believe her. You need to check. You need to rule out the possibility.

There are a couple red flags so infidelity has to be ruled out.

The advice you get is no good unless we rule it out.

I understand you are a driven controlling alpha type male and she isn't compatible with that.


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## SunCMars

ButtPunch said:


> Don't believe her. You need to check. You need to rule out the possibility.
> 
> There are a couple red flags so infidelity has to be ruled out.
> 
> The advice you get is no good unless we rule it out.
> 
> I understand you are a driven controlling alpha type male and she isn't compatible with that.


She returned to work. She is around other men and women.

She sees how happy they are. With less, investing less in work.

Men likely have approached her, talked nice to her.
This is normal male/female interaction. 
The problem for her is this: at your house it is abnormal....non-existent. 
The nice talk. Free, bubbly, happy talk.

She may not have crossed any line, done anything un-toward. Except one thing.
She opened her eyes.
She opened her mind.
She opened her.............
Options.

She saw how life could be.
Without you. In a new life.

I agree, check her communications. Put a Voice activated Recorder in her car under the seat and where she sits at home.

That is-
If she is still around, and in your life.
And at arms reach. If not, then what?

Write off your losses.
You lost heavily. Gambled with blood.


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## b80

OK not something I'm proud of but I've checked her Facebook Messenger and instagram.She's contacted friends to advise she is leaving me as she's suffocated. No sign of any messages from men. 

She has always sworn that she will never cheat on me as she has been cheated on several times before and would leave before putting me through that. Rightly or wrongly I believe her. 

We met when she was 19 and I was 28. F has always been determined and we're both independent, strong characters. I think she has grown more confident and as she's become older and climbed the management ladder at work. Like you say maybe we're no longer compatible but I'm struggling to let go, especially as a child is now involved.


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## Malaise

b80 said:


> OK not something I'm proud of but I've checked her Facebook Messenger and instagram.She's contacted friends to advise she is leaving me as she's suffocated. No sign of any messages from men.
> 
> She has always sworn that she will never cheat on me as she has been cheated on several times before and would leave before putting me through that. Rightly or wrongly I believe her.
> 
> We met when she was 19 and I was 28. F has always been determined and we're both independent, strong characters. I think she has grown more confident and as she's become older and climbed the management ladder at work. Like you say maybe we're no longer compatible but I'm struggling to let go, especially as a child is now involved.


You know there are other ways to communicate, right?

What @ButtPunch is saying ( what has been advised to many ) is investigate. So many men are told this and don't. Doesn't take much to do and eliminates a possibility.


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## ButtPunch

b80 said:


> OK not something I'm proud of but I've checked her Facebook Messenger and instagram.She's contacted friends to advise she is leaving me as she's suffocated. No sign of any messages from men.
> 
> She has always sworn that she will never cheat on me as she has been cheated on several times before and would leave before putting me through that. Rightly or wrongly I believe her.
> 
> We met when she was 19 and I was 28. F has always been determined and we're both independent, strong characters. I think she has grown more confident and as she's become older and climbed the management ladder at work. Like you say maybe we're no longer compatible but I'm struggling to let go, especially as a child is now involved.


I believe that you believe there is no infidelity.

I believed that too at one time. I was wrong...btw.

More than likely you are suffocating her if she is a strong independent woman you describe.

However, we must rule infidelity out.

Our advice depends on it and could make matters worse for you.

Remember I am your friend....I have been in your shoes.


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## 3Xnocharm

So you berated, chastised, bullied and attempted to control your wife like a child for YEARS, and cant understand why the hell she wants out? Really?? You put your financial goals over your marriage and your wife, so now you are reaping what you have sown, sorry to say. You had no right to be so controlling and demanding. Do her the favor of letting her go.


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## b80

OK cheers ButtPunch appreciate your advice.

If we were to assume for the moment that there is no other man (or woman) on the scene would kind of approach would you be recommending?


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## ButtPunch

b80 said:


> OK cheers ButtPunch appreciate your advice.
> 
> If we were to assume for the moment that there is no other man (or woman) on the scene would kind of approach would you be recommending?


I would suggest you pull back a bit.

Accept her decision.

Do not start any emotional communications with her. If she starts one, remain aloof.

Do not break down grovel beg any of that.

Get yourself into therapy. Tell your counselor what you have told us. 

How was your childhood?

Talk less.....Do more

Focus on your self....hit the gym


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## arbitrator

*IMHO, your over-controlling behavior has brought all of this on! 

You've let your W know in no uncertain terms that "your mistress is your work!" And at the same time, you're forcing her to play along with it by placing her and your child somewhere off in the distance!

Wake up and smell the coffee before she either files for divorce or worse yet, finds license to cheat on you!*


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## b80

ButtPunch said:


> I would suggest you pull back a bit.
> 
> Accept her decision.
> 
> Do not start any emotional communications with her. If she starts one, remain aloof.
> 
> Do not break down grovel beg any of that.
> 
> Get yourself into therapy. Tell your counselor what you have told us.
> 
> How was your childhood?
> 
> Talk less.....Do more
> 
> Focus on your self....hit the gym


cool will do mate. Childhood was ok, my mum cheated on my dad but they sorted it out and remain together now. They were constantly fighting for a couple of years after and it was around about this time I became more shy, invtroverted. My dad definitely is controlling, I wouldn;t say as bad as I read about, but he definitely is.

I've never a long term relationship until my wife pursued me - I was 28. I slept with a lot of women, but was never interested in a relationship I have an extremely addictive personality. In my 20's I was heavily into binge drinking/partying every weekend. By my mid twenties I was into cocaine and ecstasy. My wife arrived at a point where my life my have gone seriously wrong due to my partying. 

I'm already heavily into the gym - replaced drink/drugs with weight lifting and clean eating! Pretty much t-total now. My younger brother is similar - without the drink and drugs.


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## Evinrude58

The one thing that is so hard to do, so hard to accept, is that when they tell you they don't love you----- BELIEVE THEM. Because they're telling you the truth. Whether it's because of another man or whatever reason, the result is the same. You MUST give up and let them go and MOVE ON. If you stagnate and sit around hoping things will change, you will deeply harm yourself.

It's not the end of the world like it FEELS. But it sure does hurt. I'm sorry. But you need to accept she doesn't love you and move on. 
Anything, I mean ANYTHING you do to try to "win her back" or be nice to her will be interpreted as manipulation. She either has to come back on her on accord (unlikely by what you describe) or just let her go. 

Really sorry. I've been there. For your own conscience, I'd check extensively for another man. A woman with a young child usually doesn't leave unless she has another man to go to. It's just how it is. What she says now that she doesn't love you--- unreliable.


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## Yeswecan

This is an employer employee relationship. You are so driven, as you put it, for financial independence that all you have accomplished is being by yourself with a pocket full of cash. When someone is treated as a number or asset/tool to accomplish something then they begin to feel nothing more than that tool, asset or number. Honestly, I started to SMH reading your post and what has transpired over the years for your W. Sorry, but I think you should have used your "driven" self to work on the marriage as well. Multitasking. Embrace it. I'm not sure if your marriage is salvageable.


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## Yeswecan

arbitrator said:


> *IMHO, your over-controlling behavior has brought all of this on!
> 
> You've let your W know in no uncertain terms that "your mistress is your work!" And at the same time, you're forcing her to play along with it by placing her and your child in second place!
> 
> Wake up and smell the coffee before she either files for divorce or worse yet, finds license to cheat on you!*


In the bold red sir. Never do that....never in a marriage. Even over the kids.


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## arbitrator

Yeswecan said:


> In the bold red sir. Never do that....never in a marriage. Even over the kids.


*I freely admit that I could have articulated better, but I have seen semblances of that same behavior from others at various points in my lifetime!

Nonetheless, thank you for calling that to my attention!*


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## Bibi1031

...


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## Bibi1031

I have a daughter that is now 30. She is deep into therapy now that I have found out she was having an affair with a ho-trainer at the gym. 

She is bipolar so my advice may not really fully apply, but it will be useful and you may need it if my gut is right about your wife. My daughter went back to her old shrink. She knows her very well as she was the one that diagnosed her bipolar disorder. She told daughter that motherhood and post postpartum depression is very common. The therapist was the only one that saw this because she has seen it a lot in women after becoming moms.

*You wife is probably not cheating like my kid did. * My kid cheated because of postpartum depression the two times she became a mom. I strongly believe your poor wife was suffering from that type of depression as well. She reached out to you and you gave her a positive outlet to distract her from her worries over motherhood, but then you made things worse with your own flaws (like controlling finances, her leisure time, etc). It simply went wrong very fast. 

If possible, and when she is receptive to it; let her know that maybe individual counseling for both of you would work. Let her know that you are willing to give her the space she needs now and forever because you understand that nothing is more important than her and your daughter to YOU. Sometimes you must let the one you love free so that she may indeed come back to you when she sees the changes she was desperately needing from you. Don't think this is over and don't give up. This may indeed bring you two back together as a stronger more loving couple that will have each other's back always. Your child needs both of you even if it will not be together, but hopefully it can be together after all.


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## 3Xnocharm

Bibi1031 said:


> *You wife is probably not cheating like my kid did. * My kid cheated because of postpartum depression the two times she became a mom. I strongly believe your poor wife was suffering from that type of depression as well. She reached out to you and you gave her a positive outlet to distract her from her worries over motherhood, but then you made things worse with your own flaws (like controlling finances, her leisure time, etc). It simply went wrong very fast.
> 
> If possible, and when she is receptive to it; let her know that maybe individual counseling for both of you would work. Let her know that you are willing to give her the space she needs now and forever because you understand that nothing is more important than her and your daughter to YOU. Sometimes you must let the one you love free so that she may indeed come back to you when she sees the changes she was desperately needing from you. Don't think this is over and don't give up. This may indeed bring you two back together as a stronger more loving couple that will have each other's back always. Your child needs both of you even if it will not be together, but hopefully it can be together after all.


He has made no mention of making changes to himself, only to focus on "giving her what she wants" and "helping her reach her goals", but thats only because they have now reached the goals HE wanted. He has not admitted that his controlling ways are something that he needs to change, and unless that happens, which it wont, she isnt going to stick around. And who the hell could blame her??


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## Yeswecan

3Xnocharm said:


> He has made no mention of making changes to himself, only to focus on "giving her what she wants" and "helping her reach her goals", but thats only because they have now reached the goals HE wanted. He has not admitted that his controlling ways are something that he needs to change, and unless that happens, which it wont, she isnt going to stick around. And who the hell could blame her??


I do not blame the W for leaving Boot Camp for Financial Freedom. I honestly do not know how the W stuck it out this long. And yet, nothing the OP has done is wrong in his eyes.


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## Satya

It seems to me that you didn't want a wife.
You wanted a business partner.

They don't have to be mutually exclusive but you can't ignore one over the other, which you did.

And £200 allowance? Was that per month? Week? Either way, that's shameful. She was putting in as much work as you were. If it was a business partnership she was entitled to have a proper salary and decide for herself how to manage the money she'd EARNED.


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## Bibi1031

Oh yes, he indeed has flaws he must fix. That is why IC is important. I also think she may be suffering from postpartdum because he mentioned things started to go south when the baby came. IMO, they both need IC whether the marriage survives or not. 

I hope their relationship works out, but they will not be able to do this on their own. They need professionals involved.


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## Yeswecan

Bibi1031 said:


> Oh yes, he indeed has flaws he must fix. That is why IC is important. I also think she may be suffering from postpartdum because he mentioned things started to go south when the baby came. IMO, they both need IC whether the marriage survives or not.
> 
> I hope their relationship works out, but they will not be able to do this on their own. They need professionals involved.


Doubt it was post partdum. My bet it was more micro managing of money now that a baby was present and an expense.


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## ButtPunch

In the OP's defense, there are plenty of women who find this type of man very attractive.

Hard working, alpha type, driven, decisive, in charge

He clearly has issues to work on if he wants to keep his current wife but

I know lots of women who give their husbands allowances and they are ok with it.

I think there maybe is more to this story. 

or it may just be a compatibility issue.


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## Evinrude58

Yeah, I don't get all the bashing when the guy was working hard to get ahead.
I've had a spendthrift wife. If op has one, he may have good reason to guard the purse strings.

Or not. We don't know.


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## b80

Update on the situation. A week after I moved out she initiated contact with someone from the gym she goes to. Last week she started sleeping with him.

Im not interested in saving the marriage, neither is she I suspect, but its good to know the truth.

Wonder if she has had a thing for him a while and that contributed to her sudden decision to want out of the marriage and fits of rage when I initially wouldn't leave the house.

I've managed to make a copy of her online conversations with him. She doesn't know that I know yet. Pretty graphic stuff.

During the breakup she explicitly denied she had cheated or that there was someone else she was interested in. As she was sexually abused as a child she also stated no other men would come near our daughter for a long time and that she wouldn't put her in a dangerous place. Well, this has gone out of the window as he us staying overnight already with my daughter in the room next door - pretty disgusting and irresponsible.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Just file for divorce. When she asks why remind her that she swore she was not into anyone else but had fits of rage getting you out of home then banged someone within one week of leaving. 

Talk to a lawyer and just file. ASAP.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Her demanding that you buy her out of the house before you even left makes me think she has planned this for a while. 

I would force a sale.


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## naiveonedave

b80 said:


> Update on the situation. A week after I moved out she initiated contact with someone from the gym she goes to. Last week she started sleeping with him.
> 
> Im not interested in saving the marriage, neither is she I suspect, but its good to know the truth.
> 
> Wonder if she has had a thing for him a while and that contributed to her sudden decision to want out of the marriage and fits of rage when I initially wouldn't leave the house.
> 
> I've managed to make a copy of her online conversations with him. She doesn't know that I know yet. Pretty graphic stuff.
> 
> During the breakup she explicitly denied she had cheated or that there was someone else she was interested in. As she was sexually abused as a child she also stated no other men would come near our daughter for a long time and that she wouldn't put her in a dangerous place. Well, this has gone out of the window as he us staying overnight already with my daughter in the room next door - pretty disgusting and irresponsible.


Not that it matters, but she was likely sleeping with him when you go the ILYBNILWY speech. Sorry. She has no reason to be honest with you at this point.


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## ButtPunch

b80 said:


> Update on the situation. A week after I moved out she initiated contact with someone from the gym she goes to. Last week she started sleeping with him.
> 
> Im not interested in saving the marriage, neither is she I suspect, but its good to know the truth.
> 
> Wonder if she has had a thing for him a while and that contributed to her sudden decision to want out of the marriage and fits of rage when I initially wouldn't leave the house.
> 
> I've managed to make a copy of her online conversations with him. She doesn't know that I know yet. Pretty graphic stuff.
> 
> During the breakup she explicitly denied she had cheated or that there was someone else she was interested in. As she was sexually abused as a child she also stated no other men would come near our daughter for a long time and that she wouldn't put her in a dangerous place. Well, this has gone out of the window as he us staying overnight already with my daughter in the room next door - pretty disgusting and irresponsible.


Divorce her

Move on with your life


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## Lostinthought61

Force her to put the house up for sell, the last thing you want is some strange jerk being in your house but i woudl seriously call her on that...she is fooling herself and you...she always had this guy in her sights. She is a liar

BTW if she is dragging her feet on selling the house...and since your name is still on the deed, tell her to get a realtor ASAP or your moving back in...frankly i would move back in just to piss her off.


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## Taxman

Well you got your answer buddy. Now, it is up to you how you handle it. Give her the divorce, but since you know who he is, mess his world up. Get him fired. Let wife know that you have ended him and you are thinking about being a total prick, and wrecking her world just to say you did. Let her know that her little game was not appreciated. Divorce with extreme prejudice


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## EleGirl

arbitrator said:


> *I freely admit that I could have articulated better, but I have seen semblances of that same behavior from others at various points in my lifetime!
> 
> Nonetheless, thank you for calling that to my attention!*


Yeswecan was not objecting to your post. He was agreeing and expanding on the idea you put forth.


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## EleGirl

ButtPunch said:


> In the OP's defense, there are plenty of women who find this type of man very attractive.
> 
> Hard working, alpha type, driven, decisive, in charge
> 
> He clearly has issues to work on if he wants to keep his current wife but
> 
> I know lots of women who give their husbands allowances and they are ok with it.
> 
> I think there maybe is more to this story.
> 
> or it may just be a compatibility issue.


An allowance works if both parties buy into the goals and agree upon the idea and amount of an allowance.

In this case. She did not agree. Instead he took unilateral control over the money, to include the money that she earns. He then for a long time would not ALLOW her to spend money without his approval. And when he did agree to let her have some of her own money, he controlled how much.

I also doubt that there are many woman who like the kind of control and constant putdowns that the OP admits to. The OP's actions are not those of an alpha male, they are the actions on a mean, controlling person.


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## EleGirl

@b80

I can understand why your wife wants to out of your marriage. You married a 19 year old girl who was easy to manipulate. Well, she's grown up now and is not so easy to manipulate and knows that she does not have to put up with it.

You clearly have no idea what a marriage is supposed to look like. You are not your wife's father or boss. You do not get to make the decisions in your relationship all on your own. 

Marriage is a partnership. That means that the two of you both have equal say in everything. 

Even now you are telling her that you will now allow her to do what she wants to, etc. now that you have achieve your. WTH? It's not your place to 'allow' her to do anything. You are not her parent/boss. She has had the right all along to do what she wanted but you berated her and used abusive tactics to control what she did. This is why she is not seeing what you are saying to her now as a good thing. Because as long as you take the stance that you are 'allowing' her to do things, you still think you have ultimate say in things, that your choices trump hers.

The fact is that she can do any darn thing she wants to. You do not allow her.

By bullying her, you have achieved the financial goals you wanted. Well, she's about to show you that she is an equal partner, not your employee. She's going to walk and take 50% of all that savings... after all she worked her butt off too and earned it.

So now you are back 50% on your goal. I guess you need to get back to working all the time, but this time all by yourself.

There is one hope and it's that you learn how to be a husband and not a bullying control freak. There are two books that will explain to you how to have a marriage of partners. I suggest you read them, do the work they suggest and learn what a marriage looks like. If you change and you are lucky, she might see you changing and stay. Then she can read the books with you and do the work with you to restructure your marriage so that it's a partnership, not a dictatorship. The books are "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs"... (see links in my signature block below).

If she does not get back with you, at least you will have learned an important lesson by reading the books and in your next relationship you might be a husband who understands that his wife is an equal partner.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

This thread started in Sept. He put his cards on the table then. Now he knows there is more to the story than she let on. 

OP, little late to be bashing you now. That being said she has no excuse for giving you the IL... blah speech and hopping in the sack and moving a guy in one week after she demanded you leave. 

Move back in and divorce her. She can move out.


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## EleGirl

Lostinthought61 said:


> Force her to put the house up for sell, the last thing you want is some strange jerk being in your house but i woudl seriously call her on that...she is fooling herself and you...she always had this guy in her sights. She is a liar
> 
> BTW if she is dragging her feet on selling the house...and since your name is still on the deed, tell her to get a realtor ASAP or your moving back in...frankly i would move back in just to piss her off.


Is she has the means to buy him out, he cannot force the house to be sold to someone else.


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## EleGirl

Taxman said:


> Well you got your answer buddy. Now, it is up to you how you handle it. Give her the divorce, but since you know who he is, mess his world up. Get him fired. Let wife know that you have ended him and you are thinking about being a total prick, and wrecking her world just to say you did. Let her know that her little game was not appreciated. Divorce with extreme prejudice


Yea, and pay lots of that money he worked so hard to get to a lawyer. LOL


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## bandit.45

Let her go OP. She checked out of the marriage long before she ever told you.


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## EleGirl

b80

Your wife had good reason to end the marriage. She's now seeing someone else. That's what people do when they break up, they move on.

If you take the advise given by some here to fight her and make the divorce contentious, the only ones who will benefit from the fight are the lawyers. What it will do to you is to string you out in a long, emotional, bitter fight. That will definitely hurt YOU.

Stop snooping on her. She is gone. You have no right to snoop on her now. Actually it's a felony for you to sign into any of her accounts.

If you wife wants to buy you out of the house, let her. It would allow you to move on with your life quicker. And that's what you need to do, move on and work on yourself.


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## manfromlamancha

however you do have the right and obligation to protect your daughter - and punishing cheating is good too!


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

OP, can she buy you out in a lump sum or does she expect a payment plan?


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## MovingForward

b80 said:


> Hi all,
> I'd really appreciate some insight into how I should play our situation after my wife of 5 years announced she wanted to separate/end the marriage last weekend. Bit of a long one but will hopefully give you a decent insight
> 
> We've been together for 9 years, married for 5. We have a 16 month old daughter.
> 
> *My wife says she has been unhappy for a while and although she loves me she is no longer 'in love with me'.
> *
> Unfortunately I think this may have been due to all the pressures that were brought into our life around the time our daughter was born. We both work full time now, my wife had the year off when C was born.
> .
> Around 20 months ago a fairly low key business I was running in addition to working 35 hours full time really took off when an expansion opportunity arrived. There was risk involved, we debated it for a few months before agreeing that we were confident we could make it work. For the next 6 months I worked on this project alone and it took off. We could see further earning potential if F was to help out and she volunteered/agreed as it would offer an outlet from mothering duties, but with no expectations as clearly our daughter was (is) the number 1 priority.
> 
> Due to my driven/single minded nature I kept pushing and pushing and pushing us to work harder, become more efficient and earn us more money. I have always hated debt and I could suddenly see something that with a bit of graft would make us financially independent and change the course of our lives. F bought into this dream and we were constantly talking about the happiness holidays, starting other businesses and mainly the feeling of being financially free and having the gift of choice would bring.
> 
> After the initial couple of months of enjoying seeing the business grow and thrive I think having so much on our plates gradually started to take its toll on the relationship. At first I was happy to have my wife just helping with a few bits of the business with no pressure, but then over time I started to expect that we'd spend all evening working on it. I'd get annoyed and make digs if I caught F looking at her phone chatting to her friends on facebook. I'd deem that as a waste of time and I'd let her know about it.
> 
> Arguments would break out more frequently and I'd start to criticize mistakes she made. She was telling me I was denting her confidence by being critical. I 100% didn’t want to dent her confidence, it was my misguided way of trying to make sure she was aware of the severity of the mistake and not to make it a 3rd/4th time. Bickering would break at other random times too. We would argue for 10-30 mins then we would always make up before bed. I just saw it as I due to the pressure I had brought on us and not investing enough time in our relationship, but it was water under the bridge once we made up.
> 
> By now F is back in full time employment. She has a demanding management role and I kept pressuring her not to do more than 35 hours as the business was more lucrative. Over the last few months this means we've both been working over 70 works each. We'd spend every evening 7 days a week working on the business once C had gone to sleep.
> 
> On top of this I have been extremely controlling with money. We only have a joint account, but sadly this has turned into me basically being in control of all of our money - this has been the way for a few years now. As I mentioned earlier I'm extremely single minded and most of my focus was going into us hitting the magical number for financial independence. Therefore over time it turned into a case of F having to get permission from me for most purchases. If I felt it wasn't entirely necessary I'd make her feel bad, even though eventually I’d normally see reason and agree to the purchase later on - but by then bad feeling had been created and it was like I was giving her my permission to buy the items. Anything that didn’t tie in with my goal would be met with scorn.
> 
> She recently mentioned her teeth were causing her confidence issues, I played it down saying we're not spending thousands on the teeth - they have never been mentioned over the previous 10 years together. This upset her saying I don't understand how unhappy they make her feel. I said you need to work on it from inside rather than throwing money at the issue and that I don’t agree with people spending money on teeth or plastic surgery and how it sets a bad example to our daughter.
> 
> Anyway, it all come to head a week or so ago. We have a developer who has agreed to buy our current house and I mentioned it and F said she thinks we should call it off as she has doubts about us. At first I was p1ssed as we had been working so hard and were on the verge of reaching our financial independence goal after all the sacrifice we had made. F said we keep arguing and she is deeply unhappy. I was struggling with this as she knows we're near reaching the goal so why bring this up now. I said all along that once we reach the goal then she can do whatever she wants in the evening and I won't be so controlling with money any more.
> 
> She feels due to my driven nature there will always be something. I said how about £200 a month to start with, spend it however you want I won't judge or pass comment on it. She initially agreed. The atmosphere between us wasn;t great, compounded by the fact she had a girls night a week Saturday go and didn't get in until 5am from a hen do. I 100% trust she hasn't cheated on me, but she never has stayed out until this time previously, I think it was a big release from all the pressure and freedom from me. Sadly she also took part helping a friend with their business the weekend before so I made digs about her being a mum now and how it's not really on doing that 2 weeks on the trot. If those 2 events had been a month or so apart it wouldn’t have been an issue. Sadly our daughter came down with a bad cold and rash at the same time as the night out so it's been broken sleep since then.
> 
> On Sat F informed me of her intention to leave me. She is deeply unhappy from criticizing which is denting her confidence. I honestly didn’t know it was having such an effect. Also my control over money is way over the top, especially as she works full time and earns the same as me. £200 gesture at first seemed reasonable, but still feels like I'm controlling her through this.
> 
> She has told her close friends and family of her intentions- this really concerns me as I imagine it makes it harder for her to change her mind I'm guessing. She says they have told her she should leave if she's unhappy and that they wouldn't put up with how I've acted. At first I was talking her around but she says we’ve been through similar before and that it will go back to those ways after another brief honeymoon period. The split will be amicable we have agreed how our assets/finance will be divided. We want to avoid solicitors and will keep things
> 
> As you can imagine the last few days have been a rollercoaster. Yesterday I worked out all of our finances and in a bitter sweet moment I realized we have actually met the financial goal I wanted us to hit.
> 
> She still wants to press on with the separation. She intends on calling our mortgage supplier later today to begin the process of buying me out/putting this house into her name alone.
> 
> Over the past day after initially trying to urge her to stay, I have adopted an approach of 'what will be will be'. I understand from reading a few random articles that grovelling/begging/constantly talking about it is likely to be a real turn off at this stage, so instead I'm portraying confidence and self-assurance that I've come to terms with her decision. My mum has met with her and F has assured her there is no turning back on her decision.
> 
> We had good light hearted chat about hobbies this morning, but the intention is still to split from her side (not that it was raised). Part of me is preparing for the worst but a stronger part is now determined to win her over. She is a great mum and wife, my best friend as well. I'm not prepared to lose her just yet, I'm absolutely determined not to lose her but I don’t want to push it too hard to soon.
> 
> I want to put across to her that now we have reached the goal I will support her to reach hers. I genuinely want to make her to be the happiest woman alive. I think she will do this by being able to pursue her goals with those 3/4 hours back each evening to spend as she wants. Whether its formulating her own business plan/investments, studying, chatting to her friends, buying clothes/makeup or just watching tv. I genuinely don’t care what she does, it's her choice. I've always had 100% confidence in her to be successful in whatever she puts her mind to, which I;ve told her. But now we have our mortgage more than covered I feel relaxed about loosening the purse strings and giving her a substantial 5 figure sum to start her own business venture, which she has always wanted to do, or frankly do anything she wants with it.
> 
> *She still loves me but isn no longer in love with me*. I have caused this by forcing her to follow my dreams to the detriment of everything else (apart from our daughter). How can I change her mind about leaving? What is the right approach to take at this stage? I want to tell her tonight that as I said previously she has helped me reach my goal, now I will do everything to help her reach hers. By making the sacrifices we have over the last couple of years she can now leave her job if she wants, she has the financial backing to pursue what she wants to… it has change the shape of our lives. I don’t want to pressure her, I almost feel that my approach of acceptance to her decision of breaking up may be working but its difficult to tell. I feel like my trump card is telling her how I will now back her in anything she chooses, how much I lover her and oiur daughter and their happiness is paramount to me, but I'm wondering if another few days of giving her space and me acting like I;ve accepted the decision will work better than approaching her tonight - to soon maybe??
> 
> Anyway, really appreicate an advice as it's an emotional rollercoaster at present!
> 
> Many thanks
> M


This seems like she met someone and had an affair, very similar to how my XW did it. basically make you feel terrible, highlight and over emphasize bad traits, destroy your confidence and make you self blame and doubt yourself. 

There may be some truth in your bad traits and some things to work on but I am pretty certain she had an affair.


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## MovingForward

b80 said:


> Update on the situation. A week after I moved out she initiated contact with someone from the gym she goes to. Last week she started sleeping with him.
> 
> Im not interested in saving the marriage, neither is she I suspect, but its good to know the truth.
> 
> Wonder if she has had a thing for him a while and that contributed to her sudden decision to want out of the marriage and fits of rage when I initially wouldn't leave the house.
> 
> I've managed to make a copy of her online conversations with him. She doesn't know that I know yet. Pretty graphic stuff.
> 
> *During the breakup she explicitly denied she had cheated* or that there was someone else she was interested in. As she was sexually abused as a child she also *stated no other men would come near our daughter for a long time *and that she wouldn't put her in a dangerous place. Well, this has gone out of the window *as he us staying overnight already with my daughter in the room next door - pretty disgusting and irresponsible*.


Same, Same, Same dam humans are so predictable in behavior. 

the truth will gradually seep out


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## NobodySpecial

Taxman said:


> Well you got your answer buddy. Now, it is up to you how you handle it. Give her the divorce, but since you know who he is, mess his world up. Get him fired. Let wife know that you have ended him and you are thinking about being a total prick, and wrecking her world just to say you did. Let her know that her little game was not appreciated. Divorce with extreme prejudice


Why? What did he do? I really do not get this crazy attitude. This guy ignored his wife, controlled his wife like a child, for YEARS. She gets off leash and plays. So what?


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## GusPolinski

b80 said:


> Update on the situation. A week after I moved out she initiated contact with someone from the gym she goes to. Last week she started sleeping with him.
> 
> Im not interested in saving the marriage, neither is she I suspect, but its good to know the truth.
> 
> Wonder if she has had a thing for him a while and that contributed to her sudden decision to want out of the marriage and fits of rage when I initially wouldn't leave the house.
> 
> I've managed to make a copy of her online conversations with him. She doesn't know that I know yet. Pretty graphic stuff.
> 
> During the breakup she explicitly denied she had cheated or that there was someone else she was interested in. As she was sexually abused as a child she also stated no other men would come near our daughter for a long time and that she wouldn't put her in a dangerous place. Well, this has gone out of the window as he us staying overnight already with my daughter in the room next door - pretty disgusting and irresponsible.


Whether it was this guy or someone else, she’d likely started seeing others well before the separation.

Doesn’t really matter on your side of the pond, though. Just do what you can to keep things civil and get out of your marriage as unscathed as possible.

Or maybe move back into your home. Assuming there’s nothing (legally speaking) from stopping you from doing that, I mean.


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## WilliamM

Cat's in the cradle.

You will not be different later. That story is as old as the hills.

You are what you are, and you have shown her how it will be. She finally realized this is how life is going to be as long as she is married to you. You protest that as soon as you get enough money you will relax and life will be easy and everything will be good. But how much is enough? Why isn't what you made before enough?

I doubt anyone believes you when you say you are going to have a nice easy life as soon as, etc. What you have been doing is how it will be for the rest of your life. You will never have enough.

In my opinion only a fool would believe your life is ever going to be any different.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

OP, anyone who bothers to carefully read your first post can see you have been played, played like the guy whose cheating wife has not told him she is cheating and blames him for everything and he believes her. Then he finds out later that someone has been enjoying his wife behind his back. This same sequence of event gets played out here over and over on TAM. So sad but true. 

"The atmosphere between us wasn;t great, compounded by the fact she had a girls night a week Saturday go and didn't get in until 5am from a hen do. I 100% trust she hasn't cheated on me, but she never has stayed out until this time previously"

Twice in month month she stayed out until 5 AM... Saturday night. Are you in UK? Are pubs even open that late? Where would she be? Hen night, right! She never did that before you wrote. Let me guess, all around this time she started complained you were controlling and you agreed.

How long after these Saturday night hen nights did she start with the ILYBN.. speech? How long after that did she start badgering you to leave the house? 

Don't listen to posters here who are harping that you got what you deserved. Your wife clearly had something going on behind your back and played you like a fool. You were a fool for trusting her, nothing else. How were you to know then? You trusted her implicitly. Like all skanky slag cheaters she used that trust against you. You did not deserve to get thrown under the bus by being cheated on. Your issues in your marriage could have been fixed if she was honest with you. Clearly she was not interested in working things out by moving someone into your house within one week of your moving out. That's hardly the decision of a good mother to let a man move on who she hardly knows. Clearly she knew him all along and planned it. Quite frankly I am surprised at the number of posters here excusing her behavior on that fact alone. 

Sorry you are here. Again, If the law allows I think you should move right back in ASAP and demand she move out. She wanted out of the marriage. Why should you have to move?


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## b80

Cheers guys. I approached her earlier about men staying over - decided I had to do it. I don't care if she sleeps with half the country but not with someone new and my daughter next door. She went nuts, more concerned about finding out how I knew - did I have people spying on her, was I driving by to keep an eye on the house 

She claimed he stayed over once and that it was an accident. I said it was irresponsible behaviour for the accident to happen to a mother which of course she went mad over.

I was advised not to mention it again or things won't remain amicable.


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## MJJEAN

b80 said:


> Cheers guys. I approached her earlier about men staying over - decided I had to do it. I don't care if she sleeps with half the country but not with someone new and my daughter next door. She went nuts, more concerned about finding out how I knew - did I have people spying on her, was I driving by to keep an eye on the house
> 
> She claimed he stayed over once and that it was an accident. I said it was irresponsible behaviour for the accident to happen to a mother which of course she went mad over.
> 
> I was advised not to mention it again or things won't remain amicable.


 You can give your opinion, but it doesn't hold much weight without a court order behind it and it might not be possible to get an order that she cannot date or have partners sleep over. Some courts will order that "no unrelated adults of the opposite sex" may stay over when the kid is is residence, but there are ways around that such as having the new partner come over early in the morning and leave late at night to stick to the letter of the ruling. Much better for both of you if you can come to an agreement such as not introducing new people to your daughter until you've known them for X months.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

So she bullies you now about amicability. "I accidentally fell on his penis in our family home with child feet way days after you left only ONE time". Right. Ok. Sure....

Tell her she can take amicable and stick it where the sun does not shine.

Just move back in. Ask her to amicably leave. She can stay at a local hot sheet hotel for her trysts. Meanwhile you are more than happy to be mommy and daddy for the kids.


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## lifeistooshort

I'd be really careful when sticking your nose into her personal life. Unless your daughter is in danger what she does is none of your business.

And it will open the door to her sticking her nose into your life as soon as you meet someone.

You have a long history of trying to control everything and you're still doing it. That might be part of the reason she went ballistic.

Think carefully about the hills you want to die on.


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## b80

She did mention a month or so ago that it would take a long time before another man would meet our daughter. I did bring this up today and she said he didn't meet her just stayed overnight.

Do I just have to accept she can do this if she pleases and leave it for the sake of keeping everything amicable? Difficult one to sit back and accept, but maybe I have no choice.


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## naiveonedave

NobodySpecial said:


> Why? What did he do? I really do not get this crazy attitude. This guy ignored his wife, controlled his wife like a child, for YEARS. She gets off leash and plays. So what?


um, well, since she is following the cheaters script to a T, and now got caught with her knickers at her ankles, it does matter. Having 'new' men sleep over this close to the separation surely isn't healthy for the kids.

The OP is really taking on way to much blame, he is the BS here and is just now learning that. Was he wrong/make mistakes, sure. She had almost 100% surely an affair that caused the separation.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

She went ballistic because her lies were exposed. Let her go ballistic. Cheaters always do when caught. Standard script. 

They are still married. Until that paper is signed he has every right to question who is sleeping near his child especially since she has proven herself to be a bald faced liar.


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## VermiciousKnid

b80 said:


> She did mention a month or so ago that it would take a long time before another man would meet our daughter. I did bring this up today and she said he didn't meet her just stayed overnight.
> 
> Do I just have to accept she can do this if she pleases and leave it for the sake of keeping everything amicable? Difficult one to sit back and accept, but maybe I have no choice.


She seems like a hot head. Push her buttons a bit more and she might strike out at you. If that happens make sure it can be documented and don't you strike back. You'd get full custody of your daughter. The UK frowns much more on violence than the U.S. does and even here in that situation the spouse who attacks the other gets zero custody. It might sound shady but she doesn't sound like a very good mum so keep it in the holster in case you need it.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

b80 said:


> She did mention a month or so ago that it would take a long time before another man would meet our daughter. I did bring this up today and she said he didn't meet her just stayed overnight.
> 
> Do I just have to accept she can do this if she pleases and leave it for the sake of keeping everything amicable? Difficult one to sit back and accept, but maybe I have no choice.


Your divorce is inevitable. But you don't have to eat poo and tolerate it because of her threats. She is clearly bullying you while you are reeling from this betrayal. 

If you tolerate her bullying now it will never end. For decades. Let her make it 'unamicable'. You are the father and you own half that house. In the end the law will decide.

You can't stop her from sleeping with everyone, so yes you have no choice, But if you own that that house you can move in and make sure she does not do it there while your daughter is feet away. At least until the divorce is final. 

Have you spoken to an attorney yet? You should asap and see what your rights are,


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## b80

divorce is at the final stage already - no solictors involved. we're both happy to split everything 50/50, she's buying my share of equity from the house - I'm about to complete this in the next month or two.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Stop stalking her then. Move on.


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## Malaise

VermiciousKnid said:


> She seems like a hot head. Push her buttons a bit more and she might strike out at you. If that happens make sure it can be documented and don't you strike back. You'd get full custody of your daughter. The UK frowns much more on violence than the U.S. does and even here in that situation the spouse who attacks the other gets zero custody. It might sound shady but she doesn't sound like a very good mum so keep it in the holster in case you need it.


Have a VAR with you whenever you speak to her.


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## VermiciousKnid

Malaise said:


> Have a VAR with you whenever you speak to her.


In many places that would not only not be admissible as evidence of anything, but is actually illegal unless you notify the other person they're being recorded. For your own intelligence gathering they can be a great idea but for that alone, not anything to be used as evidence. I do understand the spirit of what you're saying. A domestic dispute with no witnesses turns into he said/she said with the male coming out on the losing end of that 99% of the time. If he can push her buttons to the point of striking out I'd advise him to do that in a public place or somewhere with at least one or two objective witnesses.


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## SunCMars

NobodySpecial said:


> Why? What did he do? I really do not get this crazy attitude. This guy ignored his wife, controlled his wife like a child, for YEARS. She gets off leash and plays. So what?


Good post...
NobodySpecial gets a hall pass [a Hail Mary pass] on this sunny day. 

From the Sun on this. 

The wife, she waited, until they were separated, it seems, to lay down in the shade.

OP, laid down, ignored her day after day. Leaving a loving warm wife...cold and alone.

Me, I would be happy for her, I would.
I would tell her so, tell her you are glad she found some warmth, some love.
And wish her the best. She has earned this.

If she hears these words from you, she will be shell-shocked.
And maybe, a smidgen, of her love will return to you. 

I only wish that she waited. For the air to clear, for the hurt to subside.

For now:, 

a) She is tainted by disappearing ink, 
b) Tainted by shells from guns with bent barrels.


----------

