# To tell or not to tell



## twilson (May 1, 2016)

I have a friend who started dating about 6 months ago after being divorced for 7 months, separated for 17 months, I researched her new guy online and found some damming information on him, the question is do I tell her and risk losing her friendship or keep my mouth shut? She's a great person but falls in love way too fast along with being very gullible, she's already saying that he's wonderful and barely knows him. She's so happy with what she thinks he is but its a lie, don't know what to do??


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

You researched your friend's BF without her asking you to?


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

If she would drop you as a friend for looking out for her best interest, is she really a friend anyway? Just send her the link, say, I'm not saying anything, just concerned...xoxox or whatever girls write and she can't really be mad at you at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

What kind of information is it?


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## twilson (May 1, 2016)

Yes, but she said a year ago that we would research anyone she started to date when the time came because she wanted my help, now not so much.


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## Val17 (May 1, 2016)

Create a fake Yahoo account and send it anonymously. If you think it really will help your friend then send it but you are correct that you may get the blame and you really don't want to be in the middle of that, to be the person who gets blamed. the focus should be on the guy not the messenger, so eliminate that part with the fake yahoo account.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

twilson said:


> I have a friend who started dating about 6 months ago after being divorced for 7 months, separated for 17 months, I researched her new guy online and found some damming information on him, the question is do I tell her and risk losing her friendship or keep my mouth shut? She's a great person but falls in love way too fast along with being very gullible, she's already saying that he's wonderful and barely knows him. She's so happy with what she thinks he is but its a lie, don't know what to do??


Tell.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## twilson (May 1, 2016)

Livvie said:


> What kind of information is it?


He's lying about his divorce placing all the blame on his ex-wife, telling my friend his ex has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, she believes him because he's a doctor. He's the one with NPD, his ex divorced him and got their 3 kids, he claimed bankruptcy in order to avoid paying the home mortgage but lost in court. Now it sounds like he's trying to scam her with starting up a clinic for children.


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## twilson (May 1, 2016)

Val17 said:


> Create a fake Yahoo account and send it anonymously. If you think it really will help your friend then send it but you are correct that you may get the blame and you really don't want to be in the middle of that, to be the person who gets blamed. the focus should be on the guy not the messenger, so eliminate that part with the fake yahoo account.


She'd know it was me, I'm the only one that knows she's seeing this guy.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

How are you sure he is the one with NPD? What kind of public records would state that?


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## RainbowBrite (Dec 30, 2015)

Be her friend and tell her any *facts* that you know that seem important.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Don't kill the messenger.....you heard that one before? Be prepared for this to blow up in your face.


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## twilson (May 1, 2016)

richie33 said:


> Don't kill the messenger.....you heard that one before? Be prepared for this to blow up in your face.


Yep, that's what I'm afraid of, normally I'd try to have a sit down discussion with her but she's gone off the deep-end with this guy believing everything he says.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

twilson said:


> Yep, that's what I'm afraid of, normally I'd try to have a sit down discussion with her but she's gone off the deep-end with this guy believing everything he says.


We all have to learn from our mistakes. His hold onto her is most likely stronger than your friendship. You can subtly drop hints to her about him but coming right out and saying what you found will probably backfire on you.


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## twilson (May 1, 2016)

richie33 said:


> We all have to learn from our mistakes. His hold onto her is most likely stronger than your friendship. You can subtly drop hints to her about him but coming right out and saying what you found will probably backfire on you.


Talking about it here has me wanting to just tell her even more and if she hates me for trying to protect her then so be it!! I really can't keep listening to her gush about him, makes me want to throw up when she says how honest and wonderful he is, maybe I can get up the nerve to tell her tomorrow. Wish me Luck!!!


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## twilson (May 1, 2016)

thanks everyone for your advice, its much appreciated!!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Next time you guys are together ...don't say a word.....when she asks you what you are looking at on your phone you can just show her.

You can to the same thing with your lap top...when she asks you what you are looking at just show her.

Don't even tell her what you found , or that she needs to do this or that.....what ever sight you found just have it ready and when the time is right let her look over your shoulder or hand her your phone or what ever...just don't try to tell her shyt

Basicly you need to trick her into seeing it for her self.

Here's an idea....ask her to use her phone then pull up the info on her own phone then hand it back to her.


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## Marische (Apr 30, 2016)

twilson said:


> I have a friend who started dating about 6 months ago after being divorced for 7 months, separated for 17 months, I researched her new guy online and found some damming information on him, the question is do I tell her and risk losing her friendship or keep my mouth shut? She's a great person but falls in love way too fast along with being very gullible, she's already saying that he's wonderful and barely knows him. She's so happy with what she thinks he is but its a lie, don't know what to do??


Send an anonymous email with the info.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
What kind of friend would you be if you DID NOT tell??


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## WhereBluebirdsFly (May 2, 2016)

If it is bad, I'd want to know, sure I'd be hurt you checked him out w/o me asking but I wouldn't want to be in love with a cheat/liar/whatever you found on this mna that would hurt her either. I'd tell but in a kind compassionate way.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Tell her. Don't try to break her up, just let her make an informed decision.

If she dumps you, she really isn't that great of a friend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

twilson said:


> He's lying about his divorce placing all the blame on his ex-wife, telling my friend his ex has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, she believes him because he's a doctor. He's the one with NPD, his ex divorced him and got their 3 kids, he claimed bankruptcy in order to avoid paying the home mortgage but lost in court. Now it sounds like he's trying to scam her with starting up a clinic for children.


Exactly where does one find this type of info? Sounds more like a jilted ex-wife's blog than a legitimate source of information.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Chris Taylor said:


> Exactly where does one find this type of info? Sounds more like a jilted ex-wife's blog than a legitimate source of information.


Agreed. How can you be sure what is actually the truth?


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

From what you wrote you know nothing about him or his divorce. I'm also thinking you've never been through a divorce yourself. The only people who know what happened in a marriage are the two people who were there. You can't tell anything from court docs. Lawyers pull all kinds of crap in motions and fillings. All kinds of claims are made in attempt to appease clients, get more money out of clients, prolong cases, swing for the fences hoping to get on base etc. Anyone can say anything. 

Now if you want to express concern over her being too serious too quickly go right ahead, as for the rest, you got nothing.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I would tell her what you heard, but don't be surprised if it turns out not to be true. There are two sides to every divorce, often the truth is somewhere in the middle.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Where did you find the information.. did this cost $$ upfront ?

There is a way to research criminal records in our own county for free.. my husband showed me this once.. Me personally.. you are a TRUE friend who cares if you did this... and you found something.. My God.. if we care about someone we don't want to see them blindly falling for a charming A-hole.. who may hurt her down the line & make her life a living hell..

But again.. where did you get the information.. is it legitimate?? .. I am one who feels history is very telling.. *I'd want to know* [email protected]#


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

If the two of you are really great friends (BFFs!) then neither of you have to ask others what to do in these situations, IMO. You just tell each other what you've found, or give your opinion. My wife has a friend like that, and she wouldn't hesitate to tell her, because she'd listen to what she'd have to say.

The other thing is - she's an adult and can figure things out on her own. Unless he's a murderer or a con-artist, then the worst thing that will happen to her is that she gets hurt, and that's not even a given.

And lastly, if she's in a fog with this guy, she won't listen to you, any way, so it's rather fruitless in the end.

So basically, unless you guys are total BFFs, think of each other as sisters and all of that, I'd keep my mouth shut (unless she's in actual danger, of course). Otherwise, if she's happy, then she deserves, and is allowed to be, and TBH, you should share that with her.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

twilson said:


> He's lying about his divorce placing all the blame on his ex-wife, telling my friend his ex has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, she believes him because he's a doctor. He's the one with NPD, his ex divorced him and got their 3 kids, he claimed bankruptcy in order to avoid paying the home mortgage but lost in court. Now it sounds like he's trying to scam her with starting up a clinic for children.


Oh I didn't see this.. not about criminal records then... just manipulation, lies (if it's true).. I'd still want to hear the DIRT.... .. so she can look for red flags.. putting the pieces together herself before she gets in too deep....Anyone with any care for their own future would want to KNOW these things & seek to evaluate where the truth lies... 

With any divorce.. you will find awful things said on both sides...many times there will be SOME truth to what we hear but so much gets inflated without being honest to their own hand in the mess.... always 2 sides to every story..


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

alexm said:


> And lastly, if she's in a fog with this guy, she won't listen to you, any way, so it's rather fruitless in the end.


 I don't understand people like this.. I would find this crushing, it's the last thing I'd want to hear.. but the truth matters more than what I want to hear or believe.. ya know..

It would always be in the back of my mind.. anyone who wouldn't listen due to a fog is foolish .. and too often lives to regret it.. 

I'd go out of my way to make the truth known to someone so they would wake up.. if you really know the facts though... (not just hearsay)...that's the real question.. what is the truth..


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I don't understand people like this.. I would find this crushing, it's the last thing I'd want to hear.. but the truth matters more than what I want to hear or believe.. ya know..
> 
> It would always be in the back of my mind.. anyone who wouldn't listen due to a fog is foolish .. and too often lives to regret it..
> *
> ...


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

We still haven't found out where she heard this information!!


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## Tortdog (May 2, 2016)

twilson said:


> I have a friend who started dating about 6 months ago after being divorced for 7 months, separated for 17 months, I researched her new guy online and found some damming information on him, the question is do I tell her and risk losing her friendship or keep my mouth shut? She's a great person but falls in love way too fast along with being very gullible, she's already saying that he's wonderful and barely knows him. She's so happy with what she thinks he is but its a lie, don't know what to do??


Full disclosure. That's what friends are for.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

alexm said:


> Absolutely. But haven't we all been there at some point? Hell, my entire first marriage I was in a fog. Ironically enough, my best friend, a guy I'd known since I was 9 years old, told me straight up that he didn't like my ex wife, and why. He still ended up being my best man for the wedding, good guy that he is. I didn't listen. First thing he said to me when I told him I was getting divorced "Good. Told you so."
> 
> Because he's my best and oldest friend, he could get away with that. But most of us only have one friend like that. If OP isn't as close with her friend as that (and honestly, the fact that she's asking strangers for advice on it seems to indicate they're not THAT close) then she's probably best to keep this to herself.
> 
> Like I said, this isn't life or death information. Her friend doesn't sound like she's in danger of anything other than getting hurt, and even that's not a given.


 I know of a man who was warned about his 1st wife too.. he didn't listen either...ended up raising 4 kids alone ..she was a wild one.. but had those piercing blue eyes (& body at the time) to melt his heart & brain...so he lost all his senses..

I can't say I was ever caught up in a fog with someone with shady character.. never had this experience.. I expect most people to have some dirt.. and until I know what it is...I'm guarded...

I need to know someone's history, the why's of what happened.. that's part of the "getting to know someone" phase.. if they are secretive or too blaming of the other. and things aren't adding up.... I'd have a very hard time trusting them... it has to make sense...

I guess my belief in life is..

If something seems TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.. 9 times out of 10.. it is .. so uncover what the deal really is.. 

Then one has to wonder if this friend feels jilted, less time spent with her lately, and secretly wants to sabotage this new relationship.. This can happen with women friends too, a little jealously going on.. (Not saying this is the case, but it's not unheard of) 

Could be many things going on here...


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I think in order to assess if the friend should be told, is important to think about where the information came from and if it's valid. Otherwise you can stir up problems and cause rifts on faulty information.


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