# You were right, turns out my husband is gay



## Pleaseineedhelp (Nov 26, 2017)

I'm in shock. This morning I found a hand written love letter to what seems like a young gay man who appears to have rejected my husband.

There are no words. He doesn't know that I know.

I would seem my husband of 25 years has trouble aging and has tried to take comfort in "finding younger guys to fool around with".

I knew we had problems, but I never suspected he was gay or ever imagined he would look for gay meetups on CL. This is not the man I thought I knew, loved, and had children with. 

How does one deal with this pain?


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## KaraBoo0723 (Oct 1, 2016)

Pleaseineedhelp said:


> I'm in shock. This morning I found a hand written love letter to what seems like a young gay man who appears to have rejected my husband.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I am so sorry. I cannot imagine the immensity of your pain. Just keep reminding yourself that this is NOT something that you caused or had any influence over at all. I don’t recall if you’re in IC presently but if you are not, please set it up as soon as possible. I am so very sorry that you have to experience this.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I know this is terribly sad for you and I am sorry. One thing I would like to point out though. I scanned some of your old posts and you seemed to be very hurt when the sex stopped. Understandably. You repeatedly call yourself a "difficult wife" in your post. Maybe you were not a "difficult wife" but a women who was tricked into marrying a gay man who used you for kids and as a beard. 

Again I know this is hard but maybe this is the light at the end of the tunnel. Imagine having a marriage with a man who is actually attracted to you. Who isn't lying to you or himself about his very nature. You can have that. If I were you I would get in great shape and look at this as a new start. 

Again it is probably too early for this post for you but at the very least it explains a lot of your heartbreak doesn't it? There was never any hope, you could have never did enough because he married you under false pretenses. He set conditions that were unattainable. You couldn't be a good wife to him because he didn't want a wife. 

Let this at the very least bring you some peace in your sorrow. This wasn't on you, he tricked you.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I think the discovery of the truth will help you put together the pieces. A lot of things will now make sense which just didn't before. You'll likely end up realizing how his secret life and his gay orientation have driven so much of the marital problems.

I also think you will have some confusion over feeling some sympathies for him not being able to be open about his gayness. I went through something similar after discovering my now ex-W's history of child sex abuse. THere are definitely some cnficting feelings. An adult has the obligation to be truthful to their spouse. That is the bottom line really. Yes, th3re were societal and perhaps family pressures which affected him negatively. Looking back not too long ago it was a serious career and social stigma to be publicly known to be gay. His parets and siblings may have been big stumbling blocks to coming out gay.

I second the suggestion of some IC for you. Dealing with the conflict is something you need to do. You will also need to unlearn some incorrect things about yourself and relationships wich are not present in the typical heterosexual infidelity crisis.

I do feel deeply sorry and sympathetic to my W's lifelong anguishes. She had so much potential which was destroyed by somethng completely outside of her control. Same with your H, his orientation is out of his control. However, this does not excuse his betrayals of you. Yes, you can reach peace about the first while still holding him morally responsible for the second.

I have found surprising emotional and sexual issues in my new relationships. In my case I realize that after my xw revealed her abuse history that I could look back and see all the signs of her being traumatized by sex within the marriage. So, when I started having sex with a gf after the divorce I found I was self-sabotaging in bed out of fear I was traumatizing her. You may find in the future you have some analogous residual emotional or sexual issues. IC can help you process and put into perspective all these things.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I discovered rather suddenly and without warning that my ex husband wanted to become a woman.

It's always a kick to the gut, and I'm sorry. Personally, I went through to another dimension and back - it messed with my head THAT much. 

There are some very emotional times ahead, but what I can offer is that I know things will get better for you. 

My suggestion is to cut ties as much as possible. Staying "friends" will only keep you in limbo.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

This is often the result of someone who felt stigmatized for being gay and therefore hid the fact. This is why society should just let homosexuals be homosexual.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I'm very sorry.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Rhubarb said:


> This is often the result of someone who felt stigmatized for being gay and therefore hid the fact. This is why society should just let homosexuals be homosexual.


Oh please- spare OP this giant piece of ****ed up blame shifting.

OP husband is a LIAR.

Let's start there, Rhubarb.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

sandcastle said:


> Oh please- spare OP this giant piece of ****ed up blame shifting.
> 
> OP husband is a LIAR.
> 
> Let's start there, Rhubarb.


Is he a liar, maybe. Or maybe he just didn't realize how he was wired. Either way the point still stands. There are places where coming out as gay isn't going to go over well. There are plenty of bible thumpers that will tell you that being gay is sin. If you happen to be raised in such a family the pressure to conform is immense. Why else would someone who is gay marry a woman?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I'm very sorry to hear that. The one bright side is that now you *know*. No more doubts wondering about whether it is you. No more trying to fix something that cannot be fixed. Now you can make decisions based on solid knowledge.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Rhubarb said:


> Is he a liar, maybe. Or maybe he just didn't realize how he was wired. Either way the point still stands. There are places where coming out as gay isn't going to go over well. There are plenty of bible thumpers that will tell you that being gay is sin. If you happen to be raised in such a family the pressure to conform is immense. Why else would someone who is gay marry a woman?


 @Rhubarb, you could be right and probably are right.

But try to imagine being on the receiving end of the other spouse's side. They've been and feel lied to, for years possibly. I wasted - WASTED - 13 childbearing years with a man who blasted to social media only after we split of not being "happy" during the formative years of our marriage. Total news to me. Seriously, wtf.

Coming out isn't frowned upon as it once was. Of course location matters and there will always be hardship. But there is also a LOT of support infrastructure in place now. 

It's the deception that can injure others in the wake of discovering how you may be "wired" that the OP is dealing with. Maybe we should keep with the intended focus of the post.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

Satya said:


> [MENTION=312225]
> It's the deception that can injure others in the wake of discovering how you may be "wired" that the OP is dealing with. Maybe we should keep with the intended focus of the post.


Of course it is injurious to others and in fact it's downright tragic, but honestly at this point what can be done? There is really no reconciling this one. There won't be any carpet sweeping. I have nothing but sympathy for someone in this situation.

The only thing that can be done is to try to discourage this situation from happening in the future. Hence my comment.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Pleaseineedhelp said:


> I'm in shock. This morning I found a hand written love letter to what seems like a young gay man who appears to have rejected my husband.
> 
> There are no words. He doesn't know that I know.
> 
> ...


Tell him what you have found. Holding this secret will not bode well for you. 

I guess if he insists on having hookups after you confront you will have to decide what you are willing to tolerate. I'd be surprised if he was bisexual just because he approached middle age. He probably was all along but hid it from you. 

I am sorry for your pain. I have no idea how to process that except to simply bear it.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Gay, bisexual, whatever. He has been lying to you. That hurts. Why did he fail to tell you about his feelings when he first knew? He wanted to get things from you he knew you would not provide if you knew the truth.

Perhaps you would have welcomed the chance to be supportive in his efforts to find his new life, if he had told you. But he did not want to leave the cushy home and strike out into the world without his maid to take care of him.

He should have told you, first, before ever considering doing anything or contacting anyone else. Because he failed to do that he is just some dung on your shoe you need to get rid of as quickly as possible.

My wife is bisexual. She went through violent very traumatic Conversion Therapy when she was twelve years old. It broke her in many ways. After years of therapy she finally remembered she is a sexual creature, and her orientation. The first person she told was me. She left it completely up to me what to do from there.

My choice would have been very different if she had hidden anything from me. 

I feel very sorry for you. You must suffer the intentional ongoing deceit of your husband. For such a man I wish a fate far worse than what he will see, I am sure.

Love yourself. You have done no wrong in this. 

Be strong.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

He married you under false pretences, he must have had some idea of this before you met. 
You must tell him, of course he will again deny it, but at least you know for sure now and can make decisions for your future accordingly. 
Not sure if its any better or worse than finding out that our spouse is having a hetrosexual affair, both are awful things to face.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

This happened with my parents. My dad was gay but my grandmother, his mother, was the sort who wouldn't have tolerated it. She wasn't religious, she was very bigoted. My mom came from a very religious background and married what she thought was a heterosexual man. My dads "best friend" attempted suicide the day after my dad got married. That was moms first clue that she didn't realize was a clue for several more years. 

OP, I don't know your husbands reasons for what he's done and I'm sorry for your pain and I hope your husband will treat you with the respect you deserve as you part ways after being put through something like this but I can say from first hand experience that this is going to be rough on your children and depending on how much information is shared with them they may really need help with this.


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

..


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, don't let the fact that your husband is apparently gay distract you from the fact that he is also cheating on you. He may have been cheating on you for sometime, or this may be his first foray. But in any case, he's not just been lying about a fundamental part of who he is, he's also been treating you like someone treats a spouse they're cheating on. He's shown you contempt, he's been irrationally irritable and picking fights, he's been blaming you for things that aren't your fault, he's been blame-shifting and cake-eating. None of those things are happening because he's gay. They're happening because he's cheating. So don't give him a pass on all his bad behavior because he's gay. Being gay didn't make him an asshat. He's chosen that direction all on his own.


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

1. He may be bisexual and is still into you and your marriage.
2. He's cheating on you. Sex of other person is really irrelevant.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Rhubarb said:


> Why else would someone who is gay marry a woman?


Because he is a liar and a manipulator. No one made him marry anyone. Who marries someone they don't love, but a liar and a manipulator? He could have remained a bachelor in public, and carried on his sex life in private. No one made him get married!!


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

dubsey said:


> 1. He may be bisexual and is still into you and your marriage.
> 2. He's cheating on you. Sex of other person is really irrelevant.


Read the post history. OP's husband clearly stated that he is not attracted to her, is not "in love" with her, and that he planned to divorce in a few years when the youngest is grown. Trust me, I don't think #1 is even a remote possibility. Bisexual, maybe, but certainly not into OP or their marriage.

@Pleaseineedhelp, I am so sorry. Now do you finally believe the marriage cannot be saved and are you ready to move forward? I hope you speak to your close friends and family, inform them of the divorce he plans to initiate and that you've discovered he's gay. I think you'll need their help and support to get through this.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Cheating is cheating. There are no valid excuses.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

He probably doesn't know why he got in this situation, so don't be surprised if you don't get the closure you need from him. Questions like "Why?" and "How could you do this to us?" won't have an answer. Feel free to ask them, but realize you won't get a satisfying answer. Eventually you will have to decide to let go of the past rather than trying to understand it or get justification. It is what it was, now move on.

Look around your local area for support groups for women in your situation. It's likely more common than you think. Being able to commiserate with women in similar situations will help you deal.

You should try to come to terms with your marriage being over. I'm sorry, but there's no way this can be fixed. It's a sad situation for all involved. For the sake of your kids, I implore you to handle it with as much grace as you can. Your kids will be struggling through this and it will help if you can help them deal with it. I'm sure you are struggling as well, but try not to burden your children too much.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Here's my take on this:

What your husband has done and will continue to do is dangerous to your health. He clearly doesn't love you.

Here's my advice: I know this is going to hurt you terribly for many years. But horrible pain for months. HOwever, you will get through the horrible pain. Your husband hasn't been showing you love, intimacy, giving you sex for a long time. Here's what you have to look forward to:

A man that loves you.
A man that gives you intimacy and sex.
A man that brightens your days.

Don't deny yourself the future with a better partner by holding on to a dead relationship our of fear or out of sadness and depression.

Realize you're going to just have to endure the pain and go ahead and divorce him. You will get through it, and you WILL find happiness with another man. MOST LIKELY it will be a far more fulfilling relationship than you ever had with your gay husband who probably stopped loving you a long time ago.


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## KaraBoo0723 (Oct 1, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> Here's my take on this:
> 
> 
> 
> ...




^^^^^^^ This x 100. I would only add that your husband may still love you, in whatever way he is capable of — but even so, it certainly is far less than you are worthy of and not at all the type of love a husband should feel for his wife. 

{{{hugs}}}


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Satya said:


> Coming out isn't frowned upon as it once was. Of course location matters and there will always be hardship. But there is also a LOT of support infrastructure in place now.


Yes, but this wasn't the case 25 years ago when they married. 



Araucaria said:


> Because he is a liar and a manipulator. No one made him marry anyone. Who marries someone they don't love, but a liar and a manipulator? He could have remained a bachelor in public, and carried on his sex life in private. No one made him get married!!


Who said he didn't love her? I've personally known gay men who married women they loved dearly, but as friends. These men really believed that coming out and living life gay was a terrible thing to do to themselves, their family, and their friends. Some of them believed that being gay was a sin and that it was their duty to marry and have children, that doing so is the only acceptable life choice, and that loving as friends would be enough.

And good luck being a bachelor late in life without at least a few people questioning your sexuality.



KaraBoo0723 said:


> ^^^^^^^ This x 100. I would only add that your husband may still love you, in whatever way he is capable of — but even so, it certainly is far less than you are worthy of and not at all the type of love a husband should feel for his wife.
> 
> {{{hugs}}}


I truly, deeply, hope that @Pleaseineedhelp gets through the divorce, meets a lovely man who is into her, and spends the rest of her days being worshiped in and out of bed.


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## KaraBoo0723 (Oct 1, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> Yes, but this wasn't the case 25 years ago when they married.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




My oldest is 18 years old and a freshman in college. In 8th grade she came to me and said that she was bisexual. I was raised in a deeply religious family and am religious myself. I really struggled to find peace and acceptance with this information at that time. My H helped me to process this and my child has felt totally comfortable in sharing all parts of her life with me and I treasure that. 

During her junior year of HS she confided that she was not bisexual but was actually transgender and planned to pursue gender reassignment surgery after turning 18. I am very much still struggling with that, yet am so grateful that nothing was hidden from me because of fear of judgement, estrangement or disappointment. 

Why am I so grateful that these lines of communication remain open? Because in the last two years 4 teenagers that were in the local LGBT community have taken their own lives after they suffered horrific experiences and abuse as a result of their sexual orientation/preferences/beliefs. This was not 25 years ago — it’s been in the last 2 years. Yes, there is less stigma currently for these issues than in the past but there is still so much fear and shame surrounding these topics — I absolutely understand why OP’s H did not feel safe to confide in his wife. This situation was not a deliberate choice to inflict pain IMO; however, that does not in any way lessen the pain the situation created.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

So now you know. 

Start getting your ducks in a row. Save some money ,gather important paper work,see a lawyer.

Have a plan. Don't tell him you know until your plan is complete. Then ask him to leave and file for divorce.

If he won't leave file anyway and tell everybody that he was cheating with men.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

OP. i hope you come back and talk to us, if you can. This has got to be a harsh blow. So many years wasted on this cruel, lying, deceitful man. 

I hope you tell him soon and confront this head on. Tell him you wont be waiting three years, that NOW is a good time since he is dating other men. And that obviously there is little point since he is gay. 

(Put evidence in a safe place before confrontation) 

I would get my lawyer and tell him to get his, and that is that. 

I am so sorry that you cannot get those years back, but you can gain the rest of your life back.


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## Pleaseineedhelp (Nov 26, 2017)

Thank you everyone. I've been in a daze trying to find peace through my real life friends, who have been great. I also have just started my second week in a new job, so that's been rough. Yesterday I don't remember much and today they sent me home because they thought my sniffling and red eyes were from a cold!

I cried really hard today for the first time in months. I've been so focused on making the marriage better. I am taking comfort in hearing my friends tell me they are shocked too. In all aspects of it. That he would cheat, and with men. My husband has always appeared to be a caring family man.

The general consensuses is my husband is a broken man. He doesn't look too well. He is drained of color, gained weight, and just looks tired and unwell. People are saying they have noticed a change. He is drinking a lot during the week, and I understand using pot. We believe this duplicitous lifestyle is wearing on him.

His letter indicated he met the young man from a CL post. This isn't the usual way to meet people around here. The letter seemed to be begging forgiveness and a second chance after only a second date. 

A good friend pointed out all of the reckless and risky behaviors at play here: drinking and pot risks his job, cheating risks his family and home, gay and CL encounters risks his health, safety and to some extend his family's too.

We also can't understand why he chose to deny countless requests and accusations that he is gay. We are surrounded by great gay friends. For us, there is no shame in it. Gay friends btw who could introduce him to the lifestyle rather than answering ads.

It's all overwhelming and I haven't had a minute of sleep. I spent last night shivering in my bed, I think in shock.

I expect I will hand him the letter and say "I believe this is yours" and let it play out from there. I have no idea what I want...I want my family back, but I know it's gone forever.

I am worried about my children...but they love to say how their gay school mates think their dad is HOT.

I think the emotion I can identify the most is fear. I am scared to death. We just moved into this house and I am certain we will have to sell it. I love to cuddle and I am sad to know it will be a long time until my next one. I will miss him in my bed. For 25 years I have listened to him breathe next to me. I cannot imagine the feeling when he won't be there to tend to the dog whining, or hold me after a bad dream.

It's these stupid little things that I am obsessing about at the moment. I miss him already.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Consider telling your new boss that there are suddenly some big marrital issues. You aren't looking for any special treatment, but you want him/her to know you aren't just flakey or a bad employee. 

Nobody can say for sure why your H has denied being gay when asked. My W denied any history of child sex abuse or sex assault but when I finally approached her decades later about possibly ending the marriage she finally told me about it. I suspect there is some history in your H's life which has caused a generalized fear of admitting it publicly. He may feel some shame, or he may be embarrassed to have lied to you and hurt you. Or, he may just be trying to avoid an unpleasant conversation with you. He may value his social status as a married man with kids.

However, those reasons do not justify deceiving you for so long. He had no right to pull you into his world dishonestly. If he wasn't sure he was gay until after you were married, he had a moral obligation to tell you when he figured it out.

This goes back to what I mentioned earlier. We can feel sympathy for a gay person being in a difficult position socially and/or professionally. You can have some sadness for how his life has been difficult for unfair reasons. However, don't let this become an excuse for his intentional disregard for your welfare. He is an adult and thus has the obligation to be honest with you.

I advise you to disregard the fact he is gay. What he did was disrespectful and a betrayal of you regardless of whether it was with men or women.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Keep in mind you already lost him, or never had him in the first place. It was an illusion. It gave you a false sense of comfort. You deserve the real thing someday. Be angry, he denied that to you. He could have told you he was gay/bi etc... TEN- twenty years ago... saved you a lot of youth. 

Channel your anger. Harden your heart... This man has done great harm to you. But! Dont hang on to it. Hang on to that pain just long enough to detach. 

I advise a copy of the letter to at least be kept by you lest he change the narrative to family and friends. 

I am very very sorry


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

I have a feeling when you confront him he will suddenly fall all over himself trying to convince you he is not gay... Or something. 

I advise you not to accept his pleas... They are all self serving and just trying to save himself humiliation. He is obviously in the closet, and probably has no intention of ever coming out regardless of him wanting a divorce. He was probably just wanting to carry on his life style without you finding out.


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