# Almost 18 months of no sex, no interest, I'm done



## Tulanian

Hello all,

Sporadic browser here, first time poster. This seems like a good community for frank discussions, so I thought I'd give it a shot.

My wife and I have been married almost seventeen years. For nearly the last three years we've had virtually no sex at all. The last time we had sex was in September of 2011. And that was part of a brief, one-week period of actual interest, after a year or more without sex before that.

When we first got together, she was actually more interested in sex than I was. We've always enjoyed ourselves and each other, never seemed to have any problems with compatibility or chemistry. Yes, like any couple we went through drier spells, but those might last a few weeks or a month or so at most. This time it's different.

Every time I've approached her in the last year and a half she's flat-out said she's not interested. I've said I'm frustrated by not having any sex, she says not her problem. I've said I really want to be close to her again, she says go hire a hooker. Seriously, she said that. I finally just lost my temper at one point and told her she's turned me into a monk at the age of forty, and I did not sign up for this celibacy sh1t. 

I've never cheated on her, never even talked to another woman in any kind of way that could ever even possibly lead in that direction. To my knowledge, she's never cheated on me. But at this point, I'm just done with it.

I asked her to go to counseling, she said she wanted me in therapy alone for at least six months before she'd start working on "us" issues. This after I've been in treatment since 2003. 

We separated back in 2009, and that seemed like the end of things, but I lost my job and wound up having to move back in because otherwise I was homeless. Since then, I've tried to work on things as a couple. But she's told me she doesn't know why I keep fighting for something she doesn't want. She's also said that she's just waiting for me to realize it's over and make the decision to leave (the last separation she kicked me out, and when my kids asked me why I was leaving suddenly I flat out told them to go ask her, it was her decision). She's repeatedly told me that taking me back in was the worst mistake she ever made. And whenever I've brought up anything I'm unhappy with, or that I want to see changed, about us, or the kids, or her, she's said if I don't like things, just leave.

Well, two weeks before Valentine's I sat down with her and told her I don't think we've been married for years, and we just need to accept that it is what it is. I said her absolute lack of interest was just too much, and I couldn't set aside being asked why I was fighting for what she doesn't want.

This prompted no fight. No major blowup or anything (and we fight with each other a LOT, always have, verbally). She went on like normal, which confused the hell out of me. I'd just told her I think we're over, and have been over for some time, and she's just do-de-do-de-do. Turns out, she took my statement that I think we're over to be "let's work on us." And she went about planning a Valentine's dinner after which she'd finally have sex with me after well over a year.

We finally did have the fight where the air got cleared, but in really nasty fashion. One of our girls even heard it, to my eternal shame. Now we know we're done.

The sad thing is, after I had re-stated that no, I really meant we're over, I thought through what I was really upset about, and it wasn't even the sex thing. At least, not first and foremost. I finally told her I would come back if she could make two promises: 1) Never tell me again that taking me back was the worst mistake of her life; and 2) Never tell me again that if I don't like something I should just leave. I didn't even include the sex thing in what I asked of her.

She refused. Not, she says, because the requests were unreasonable, but because I had given her an ultimatum. She's not about to give in to any sort of "or else" proposition. So now we really are heading to divorce court.

But after the decision is made, and confirmed by both of us, she comes back to me and says she really did intend for Valentine's day to be a new start. She just realizes now that it's too late.

It all seems very stupid, and avoidable, and more than a little sad. But I find myself oddly at peace. I think I've stayed this long out of fear of losing my kids, and fear of being alone forever after. Now I'm to the point where I will just deal with loneliness if that's the outcome. As for the kids, well, I'm worried but hopeful...


----------



## keko

I think you should start by ruling out an affair on her side. 

I remember a very similar story where the husband had it enough with not getting any sex, then he found out his wife was sleeping with her boss almost on a daily basis.


----------



## Jasel

keko said:


> I think you should start by ruling out an affair on her side.
> 
> I remember a very similar story where the husband had it enough with not getting any sex, then he found out his wife was sleeping with her boss almost on a daily basis.


Ya that's exactly what I was thinking as soon as I read this:



> This prompted no fight. No major blowup or anything (and we fight with each other a LOT, always have, verbally). She went on like normal, which confused the hell out of me. I'd just told her I think we're over, and have been over for some time, and she's just do-de-do-de-do. Turns out, she took my statement that I think we're over to be "let's work on us." And she went about planning a Valentine's dinner after which she'd finally have sex with me after well over a year.


That's a pretty big red flag. She sounds like she's in the fog.


----------



## Tulanian

That's been suggested before. I think it's unlikely, but I've been wrong before.

Outcome's the same either way, though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## richie33

Financially how are you today? Could you afford to get your own place?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## keko

Tulanian said:


> That's been suggested before. I think it's unlikely, but I've been wrong before.
> 
> Outcome's the same either way, though.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Regardless of whether it effects the outcome or not I think you deserve to know the truth, since you've been sexless for so long.

Start by checking her call/texting history, emails, facebook or anything where she could mention something.

How is her work schedule, is she ever late from work or needs to work on weekends? Travels for work? Does she go out to party or clubbing?


----------



## Tulanian

Works late several times a week, frequently on weekends, but she's a teacher. I know for a fact most if her coworkers do the same since I've seen them at the school during those hours. But, yes, the thought has occurred. I've never put any worry Obi it because as a lawyer I've worked late and weekends plenty and I've never cheated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## keko

Can she be involved with one her coworkers?


----------



## Tulanian

It's possible...I'd be surprised but what do I know?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl

Have you ever checked her cell phone?


----------



## Tulanian

Wouldn't work...she texts with coworkers all the time for work, and calls back and forth. So unless the text was a statement of hanky lanky it would just blend into the noise of her work communications, which are constant.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## keko

Does she always keep the phone next to her? Always within her sight?

Which phone does she have? On some you'll be able to retrieve even deleted texts/photos via a computer.


----------



## Tulanian

She almost always has it in reach, unless she goes to bed with it charging on the living room. I could check it, and maybe I'd find something out I don't know, but what would change? The key fact is she doesn't want me. Maybe she doesn't want sex period, maybe she wants it elsewhere. But on my end the question is answered. I don't want pity sex, or duty sex, or work sex. And I she doesn't want it, like really want it, then it's almost immaterial why. The lack is the lack is the lack.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## keko

Have a look at few of the old threads in the infidelity section. What you'll find is when one spouse is having an affair they're in what most call "fog". So her judgement is clouded by the crack like high she gets from the affair. This is where the spouse gets pity sex or sloppy seconds while the affair partner gets the pornstar sex.

At that point what you can do is either to shine light on the affair that thrives in secrecy to kill it if your marriage is worth salvaging. Or you'll get the last confirmation/the final push for your decision to move on and you'll do so without any shoulda, coulda, woulda's stuck in your head.


----------



## PBear

My stbxw shut down our sex life on her own. I don't suspect she ever cheated on me, as well. But in the end, I decided that it wasn't acceptable to me, and the key issue was that she wasn't willing to work with me on the issues as I saw them. So I moved out.

Your situation is even more severe; we had dwindled down to a once a month sex life, not once a year or two. I also ended up having two exit affairs; don't do that, if you're at all tempted. They don't solve anything, and it would be so much better to leave with your integrity intact. But you deserve a complete marriage. And it's possible that by you standing up for what you want (to the point of leaving), she might start to make changes. I doubt it, and I doubt they'd be lasting changes. But stranger things have happened.

You could try the Married Man's Sex Life and No More Mr. Nice Guy... See if anything gets triggered there.

C


----------



## Tulanian

I've perused the No More Mister Nice Guy site, hadn't come across that other one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Kettlebells21

Dude, eerily similar story here. Five years ago, I got the "well, I guess you should find a prostitute" bit....we had sex about six months after that, and that's been it. What kind of wife says this? I have been on a significant downhill slide since then - that statement is not one I can ever forget. I hung on to my desires for her for four years after that then woke up about six months ago and realized I no longer have any physical desire for her. Even if she initiated, after all this time, it would be too demeaning, humiliating, and embarrassing. Apparently she's done and I'm done, physically. But with this comes the drop in communication, openness, deep caring and sharing, resentment, anger.........house of cards.

We had a good run of 24 years prior to that, though! Now I'm struggling to get the courage to tell her I can no longer continue on this way. But it's hard when (like your wife) they go about acting as if everything is just hunky-dory. WHAT?? REALLY???
It's madness. I feel for you.


----------



## Tulanian

My sympathies. It's no easy choice, especially after many years.

Yesterday I was feeling waaaaay down, my wife came home from work (Sunday work, yay!) and saw my expression, asked what was up. I told her I was depressed because my life is ****ed. She said she knows of one thing I could fix, but she won't be the one to say it. Says she's playing chicken.

I told her I feel like I've been alone already for years, I might as well actually be alone. She said at least if I stayed I'd be with my kids.

**** my life...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Keepin-my-head-up

Tulanian said:


> My sympathies. It's no easy choice, especially after many years.
> 
> Yesterday I was feeling waaaaay down, my wife came home from work (Sunday work, yay!) and saw my expression, asked what was up. I told her I was depressed because my life is ****ed. She said she knows of one thing I could fix, but she won't be the one to say it. Says she's playing chicken.
> 
> I told her I feel like I've been alone already for years, I might as well actually be alone. She said at least if I stayed I'd be with my kids.
> 
> **** my life...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes! **** your life!
Feel that emotion and thn vow to yourself you will do what it takes to get over it!

Obviously she ain't gonna help you!
You got to do it for you bro.

She got what she wants, she can be cold to you and still keep her friends and her life that she wants knowing you are still there and just taking it.

The kids will or already have picked up on the tension between you two and the older they get the more eggshells they'll be walking on.

Its gonna huet everybody (well maybe not her)
But like the other poster said, once the kids realize life is not over, they will now have divorced parents but a happy dad and a content mom.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tulanian

On the one hand I feel like any opportunity of reconciling has to be considered. On the other hand, if she flat refuses to just promise to stop telling me to leave every time I have an issue and stop telling me she never should have taken me back in 2009 how coul it be anything other than abject surrender on my part? She's not going to give anything more to sweeten the pot so to speak. That's just how she is: always right even when she isn't. If I want to be right, I can go be alone, in her view.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tulanian

Following up on the advice from the start of the thread, I checked her email (she uses the same password for everything), nothing suspicious there.

Problem being, she's extremely OCD about deleting things in her email box, only leaves stuff if it has a reason to exist. Can't see that she'd leave anything incriminating in place. Also...no way to tell if she has any other addresses. I mean I DON'T cheat and I have several addresses that only I know of...


----------



## keko

Tulanian said:


> Following up on the advice from the start of the thread, I checked her email (she uses the same password for everything), nothing suspicious there.
> 
> Problem being, she's extremely OCD about deleting things in her email box, only leaves stuff if it has a reason to exist. Can't see that she'd leave anything incriminating in place. Also...no way to tell if she has any other addresses. I mean I DON'T cheat and I have several addresses that only I know of...


Install a keylogger on the computer she uses. It'll record the deleted emails or even secret accounts you're not aware of.

Why do you say she's OCD about deleting stuff?

Has anything improved in the last days or still the same?


----------



## Tulanian

keko said:


> Install a keylogger on the computer she uses. It'll record the deleted emails or even secret accounts you're not aware of.
> 
> Why do you say she's OCD about deleting stuff?
> 
> Has anything improved in the last days or still the same?


I say she's OCD about deletes because she always has been. Her email box has never had more than maybe 1,000 messages in it, and even that many drives her. My GMail has something like 25,000, and my older Yahoo has more like 100,000. She can't stand things accumulating like that. 

As for things getting better...no. I'd say declarations that she's keeping the new plasma TV and threats to remove me from her insurance count as "not improved."


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho

Tulanian said:


> She said she knows of one thing I could fix, but she won't be the one to say it. Says she's playing chicken.


She knows of one thing you could fix ... but she won't talk about it? She certainly doesn't seem interested in working with you to fix what is wrong.


----------



## brightlight

Tulanian said:


> My sympathies. It's no easy choice, especially after many years.
> 
> Yesterday I was feeling waaaaay down, my wife came home from work (Sunday work, yay!) and saw my expression, asked what was up. I told her I was depressed because my life is ****ed. *She said she knows of one thing I could fix, but she won't be the one to say it. Says she's playing chicken.*
> 
> I told her I feel like I've been alone already for years, I might as well actually be alone. She said at least if I stayed I'd be with my kids.
> 
> **** my life...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't exactly know what she means there but the whole tone of it comes across as cruel that is for sure.

Your wife seems to be enjoying your pain. Then if I am reading it correctly maintaining an outward impression that the relationship is fine. That's twisted. Maybe it _is_ time to call it quits.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS

OP, I'll tell you one thing that will NOT get her to want to reconnect with you - you moping about the house looking like the little boy that lost his puppy. If you REALLY want to make an impression on her - DO NOT let her see you upset or in a weak state of mind. You need to constantly convey a positive, upbeat attitude. If you want your wife to value you, then you need to show her that you DO have value. To show that, you need to recognize within yourself that you have value and that another woman would love to have you as a mate. 

She probably thinks that if you leave her, you will not be able to find someone else. If you can show her that "yes, other women would want to be with me if you cast me aside", then I would bet large sums of money that your wife suddenly has a renewed interest in you.

Any reason why your wife could kick you out of the house? If the house is in both of your names, she cannot kick you out. I would NEVER let my wife kick me out of my house. I remember early in our marriage where my wife got upset at me and tried to make me go sleep on the couch. I told her NFW am I sleeping on the couch. I deserve a good night of sleep in order to go to work the next day. If you have a problem with me, then you are free to go sleep on the couch if you can't stand the idea of sharing a bed with me for the night. She actually left and went to sleep on the couch. For the past 14 years of marriage, my wife has never again asked me to leave the bed to sleep on the couch - even if we have gone to bed upset at each other. I showed her early in our marriage that I won't put up with that. We had to learn to communicate to each other a lot more effectively, and the "go sleep on the couch" routine - IMHO - is a sign that issues are not being openly addressed.


----------



## outNabout

This right here is so plain and simple a reason to leave. It's about as far as you can get from a promise "to love and cherish".



> Every time I've approached her in the last year and a half she's flat-out said she's not interested. I've said I'm frustrated by not having any sex, she says not her problem.


----------



## Runs like Dog

This sounds familiar. My view is you're married to a narcissist martyr who is never responsible or accountable to anyone for anything. And for what it's worth she doesn't get much enjoyment out of sex. She gets enjoyment out of power and control. People like this never view the world in terms of other people. They go through life believing everyone owes them obedience and if you want something out of this life, that's your problem, not theirs. Appealing to their emotions doesn't work either because the only thing they have emotions for is themselves. If she's making you unhappy that's your fault.


----------

