# How to forgive when I need forgiveness



## Binkster775 (May 23, 2013)

My story begins like this...2 years ago I went through our phone log just to find out that my husband of 20 years had frequent calls to the same # during work hours only. I confronted him about it and he said it was a male friend that always wanted to discuss work issues. I never believed him & knew in my heart that he was cheating on me so out of spite, I contacted an old friend that had been trying to contact me for years. We talked about what had gone on in our lives only as friends but I was liking the attention I was getting and looked forward to the next conversation. 

We talked periodically, months away from each other, but as my husband became more distant and evident of his affair, I reached out to my friend who lived across the country and became more flirtatious and willing to meet up with him. So a year and a half went by of my husband distancing himself and me falling for prince charming that I finally agreed to meet him, clearly knowing what was going to happen. I spent a weekend with my prince charming knowing only in my gut and heart that my husband was having an affair and not having any proof but at this point it didn't matter anymore. I was in a miserable marriage and just wanted out. Both my prince charming and I knew it was nothing but a fling we were having with no commitments attached. 

Well a month later, I discovered what I knew all along...my husband was indeed having an affair with a co-worker for 3 years. At that point, it was the perfect opportunity for me to leave my miserable marriage but my children begged me to stay. After a couple of days of thinking it hard, I decided to work my marriage out. I thought to myself 'how can I be so angry with him & not forgive him for cheating on me when I did the same.' I could actually relate on how he could do this to me since I was capable of it and get away. He of course doesn't know about my affair. He thinks I went on a business trip and he didn't investigate it too much since it gave him time with his mistress.

It's been 7 long agonizing months and although I made the decision to forgive him and work on our marriage, I hurt everyday for how he's hurt me and feel that I don't deserve this. We started going to church to reach to God to renew, restore and rebuild our marriage because I know that we both have true love for each. And for God to forgive both of us for going in the wrong direction for attention. 

I know this doesn't justify my actions but I know that I didn't have an affair because I loved this person but simply because I was getting the attention I wasn't at home. I do know that I love my husband with all my life and I feel that I'm in love with him and want to work this out but how can I deal with my shattered heart. I cry almost everyday and just need some peace in my heart to help me understand that he did it for the same reason and not because he loved her.

Any advice for me?


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Does he know about your affair? You need to put all your cards on the table. To prevent reoccurring affairs, you and your husband need to start being totally honest with each other. Brutally honest.

That honesty is going to hurt for a while. Your relationship might not survive the kind of honesty you will both need to show. You got into the position because both of you lacked something in your lives. And instead of discussing it, and demanding it in your relationships, you both went outside of the relationship for it and lied and cheated. 

Start by being honest with yourself. What do you want in the relationship and what do you need from him. Then tell him. Tell him everything. Don't blame him for your infidelity. It may have been a 'revenge' affair. But his affair didn't cause you to cheat. You cheated and used his affair as an excuse. Which is all it is, and excuse. He will want to blame some neglect or lack of excitement or some crap like that for his affair. Call bull ****. He cheated because he couldn't be honest with you and it put him on a path that he didn't want to turn from. 

Honesty, from both of you. 100%, no matter how bad you think it's going to get. Or cut bait and run now. You will only be setting each other up for more pain.


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## Binkster775 (May 23, 2013)

That is exactly what I know is best but I don't think he will be able to handle the truth from me. I'm so afraid of it turning for the worst! Also, the reason I hadn't come out to tell him is only because he didn't tell me, I had to find out by snooping around because of an intuition I had.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There are two schools of thought on telling about an affair. 

One says to not tell because the real reason for telling is to relieve your own pain. That then puts the pain on your spouse.

The one says to tell because your spouse has the right to know the truth about their marriage. Then you both of a chance to decide, based on the truth, what you want to do going forward.

Another reason for telling is that in about 50% of all cases, the spouse figures it out. So you have a 50% chance that someday your husband will find out. If you spend months, years reconciling then he finds out your hard work is most likely down the tubes as well as your marriage.

Most people here will say to tell. 

Revenge affairs are not a wise thing to do as you now know.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

You cannot truly forgive him until you confess yourself. I mean, how bad do you think he would feel if HE discovered it years down the road knowing the pain he caused you. It would be an unbelievable kick to the teeth.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Binkster775 said:


> I'm so afraid of it turning for the worst!


And that fear is going to control you until you confront it. That fear will make you continue to lie to your husband. That will lead to guilt as you work on reconciling. Out of guilt you will tell your husband you forgive him and you will put on a brave face. Underneath that brave face resentment will build. He won't understand it, but he will feel that resentment. You will be unable to connect in the loving, caring and tender way you both desire because that resentment will keep creating obstacles. You will be set up to repeat the pain.

I understand your fear. It's not easy. But in your heart, underneath all that fear. You know the right thing to do.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Your marriage has zero chance while you two are still choosing to lie to each other.

You absolutely need to tell him that you are also a cheater.

It's very wrong of you to ask him to work on this marriage, him thinking all the wrong is on him, when you too cheated for a long time, and in fact did the pursuing.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

A R based upon lies is not a true R and never fully has a fair chance of working as eventually it will come out and then it will be back to square one. Tell him. For me The thought is that it hurt more to know I had to find it myself than for her to come clean. When they tell, at least you know they are open to "start" telling the truth. When you have to discover, you have trouble believing they will ever tell the truth.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Binkster775 said:


> That is exactly what I know is best but I don't think he will be able to handle the truth from me. I'm so afraid of it turning for the worst! Also, the reason I hadn't come out to tell him is only because he didn't tell me, I had to find out by snooping around because of an intuition I had.


You know what? These things have a way of coming out down the road, so it's way better to tell him how, today than him discovering on his own that you've been lying to him while all the time holding his feet to the fire.

Since he cheated, you maybe will get a pass your affair. But I tell you that your continued current choice to Betsy his trust right now will kill your marriage when it does come out.

Right now you are going through these steps to rebuild trust in your marriage, all the while at each step you are looking him in the eye and choosing to lie to his face.

That alone would end it for good for me. Either come clean, or start looking ahead to the day when he finds out, and leaves you.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I can't see a way for you to truly reconcile with your husband while holding back that lie. 

I hope you both got tested for STDs. For his actions as well as your own. 

If you do not tell him and he finds out on his own some day- it will be much worse.

Do the right thing.
WD


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Tell him. If he can't handle it after a 3 year affair on his part you might a well find out now that he's a hypocrite and move on. Do you know for a fact that his affair has ended? Three years is a long relationship to end.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Tell him. If he can't handle it after a 3 year affair on his part you might a well find out now that he's a hypocrite and move on. Do you know for a fact that his affair has ended? Three years is a long relationship to end.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Funny you mention it that way (as I wasn't even thinking about that), as expecting him to R and be open but she continues lying about her affair would make her a hypocrite.

OP, do you want to consider yourself to be and act as a hypocrite?? If you don't tell the truth you really lose the capability to say or demand he do anything, as you won't/ don't seem to be doing it yourself.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Squeakr said:


> Funny you mention it that way (as I wasn't even thinking about that), as expecting him to R and be open but she continues lying about her affair would make her a hypocrite.
> 
> OP, do you want to consider yourself to be and act as a hypocrite?? If you don't tell the truth you really lose the capability to say or demand he do anything, as you won't/ don't seem to be doing it yourself.




Yep, that's why I said she should tell him. That will remove her hypocrite label, and then she'll find out if he's one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Binkster775 said:


> I know this doesn't justify my actions *but* I know that I didn't have an affair because I loved this person but simply because I was getting the attention I wasn't at home. I do know that I love my husband with all my life and I feel that I'm in love with him and want to work this out but how can I deal with my shattered heart. I cry almost everyday and just need some peace in my heart to help me understand that he did it for the same reason and not because he loved her.
> Any advice for me?


Remember any time you add a BUT you will know what follows it is a excuse. Your excuse is likely the same he told himself to go forward with his affair to beging with. You claims you can relate to him but it doesn't seem the case.

You must confess. There's no grey areas here. Evey reaons is an excuse. Deep dwn you know it.
You will keep hiding, stufffing, distancing... no chance to rebuild intimacy.


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