# Problems performing



## sklldindiv (Sep 11, 2015)

Hello,

Just recently, I married my amazing, gorgeous, and undeservingly loving and forgiving wife who I am absolutely overjoyed to spend the rest of my life with. Just a couple of months ago as a matter of fact. Our time together has been rather quick as dating and marriage is concerned, having only been dating and gotten married in under a year. We both got a lot of grief for that, people acting like we were stupid and ignorant, but I didn't care, and still don't. I have every confidence that this is my one and only. To make a long story relatively short, I have NO sexual experience other than her. Which is the way I wanted it, and purposefully kept it that way for over two decades. I'm not her first, however, she's had probably what most people would consider to have had a normal number of sexual partners, which I honestly don't mind, because it's in the past. No sweat. When we started dating, it only took a couple of weeks before we started having sex. At first, I didn't really know how to handle it. I was confused and disappointed in myself for letting my guard down. I had no issues (at least to me) in the bedroom other than the fact that I had absolutely NO CLUE what to do---and still don't really... As the months progressed, I found myself with a problem I never thought I would have in a million years. Erectile dysfunction. I don't know when or how really this started, it just kind of happened. I had watched porn and matusturbated on a regular basis up until that point, my whole life almost. I never thought anything about it. I found that it completely desensitized me to the sexual experience with a real woman. Real sex brought with it a whole new emotional connection that I didn't know how to handle or even remotely process. This started a few months into our relationship, and had progressed into something so severe than now at this point I'm so utterly scared and embarrassed that I won't perform and that I won't give her the pleasure that she deserves, I've almost completely lost my sex drive. And it's scaring me senseless. She's a very aggressive sexual creature. She likes things on the rough side, always hard and always for longer than I'm able to handle. She's into a lot of kink too. There's definitely a BDSM streak the size of Rhode Island in that girl. AND THERES NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. I know I lucked out and that any guy would kill for what I've got. The only thing is, it turns out that my sex drive cannot possibly match up to hers. I'm a gentle, loving person by nature, and even though I thought I would want to have sex all the time, it turns out I'm okay with once or twice a week, whereas she wants it 3 times a day. I just wish I could keep up with her and give her what she needs. She's my wife for gods sake. I love her and want to give her everything she needs to be totally happy. Everything that I can at least. It just seems like I can't give her a huge part of what marriage is about----and it's driving me CRAZY. I feel so horrible. I feel worthless. I feel like I can't do anything right. She's cried about it and gotten upset and yelled at me about it more times that I care to count. And I suppose she has every right to. What healthy, attractive woman would want to be stuck in a near sexless marriage. I'm not making her out to be the bad guy here, I just don't know what to do. I've talked to her about it many times and she just says it's okay, or whatever, or I don't know how to help you. The thing she said a few months ago that crushed every ounce of joy and happiness that I had in my spirit is when I lost my erection during sex, and she just got really sad and mad, got it of bed, and started to cry, and I said what's wrong? She said " I just want to have sex with my husband and not worry about it." I can't tell you how many days after that I was depressed. I've honestly considered suicide for the second time in my life. I would never do that, but that's just how hopeless and worthless I feel. She deserves better than me. Also, Because I've had a hard time staying hard, I've had a hard time ejaculating. Lately, she's told me that I think too much during sex and get too locked up in my head. So I've tried to work on that. But when I don't think about anything, I just try to focus just on sex, and when that happens, I actually have trouble not ejaculating. Which causes a whole new set of issues to happen. She takes a long time to get off, which is normal for women I guess, and that's fine with me and I'm very excited to get to do it for her, but I just can't perform that long. In the last couple months, it's just been me getting off during sex and not her, which makes me feel horrible, when she's obviously not getting any pleasure. Which makes me totally turned off. Which makes sex near impossible for me, which gets her upset. It's just a vicious cycle. I've asked her what I can do to help, whether to finish her off with my mouth or hands, which she never wants me to do. She says it's not her job anymore to get herself off, that's my job alone. Which also means she won't masturbate during sex. I don't know if that normal or not, but I just feel like she could help herself a bit of she wanted to. I don't know, maybe I'm being unfair and overly critical. All I know is these whole past two months that it's just been me getting off, she's just kinda shrugged me off when I've asked what can I do or told her that's not okay and not fair to you, and her response has always been it's okay, I promise. I believe my wife, so I took her at her word, over and over, and just kept trying to do better. Today her true colors showed, the ones that I knew were there all along, the ones that I've tried so hard to get her to tell me. She finally told me today that it's not okay that she only gets off 10 percent of the time and that our sexual encounters are all about me. I was floored in a way, because she kept telling me it was okay and now finally said the truth that it's obviously not okay. She got really angry and stormed out of our apartment, slamming the door on the way out. Now I've got to go to work and figure out how to talk to her when I get home. I'm just so sad, hurt, wounded, and confused. And perhaps I'm just whining and complaining about a problem that's entirely my fault. Maybe I deserve to feel this way. Whether I do or don't, I just don't know what to do. 

Please help me.


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## sklldindiv (Sep 11, 2015)

Bump


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

There is an area of exploring tantric sex that includes soft entry, remaining motionless, and abstaining from orgasm (unless it is unavoidable)

http://www.amazon.com/Tantric-Sex-Men-Making-Meditation/dp/1594773114/

While it is a more gentle approach to lovemaking, may be worth a read.

Badsanta


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

OK
1) Stop beating yourself up about this. Your anxiety is self fulfilling. Very common problem.
2) Get a quick checkup and make sure your blood pressure, glucose, and your general health are all good
3) STOP any porn. It actually can kill your performance big time
4) Get a prescription for Cialis, if everything is all right, and use it. You will be able to perform and your success will let you get over your anxiety
5) Learn what your wife likes. Learn other ways to get her off without vaginal intercourse (oral, toys, manual) They are backup weapon or even better, your initial tools in the love making game
6)Enjoy your good fortune!!!


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## sklldindiv (Sep 11, 2015)

Bump


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Instead of approaching this from an angle of trepidation try thinking of it as live porn. You are being crippled by performance anxiety and need to reevaluate your capabilities. Your wife intimidates you and you therefore see her as more of a critic than a partner. Do some online research and learn how to perform mental fore play. You can have her quite revved up before the physical activity even begins. It will be easier for her to climax if she is already hot to begin with.

Also, replace your doubts with a sense of control. In place of fearing failure decide instead to be confident in your efforts and see yourself pleasuring her in ways she has never imagined. It may seem daunting but remember she is not there to critique you. Give it your all. With a little research and determination you may well be surprised at what you are capable of. Start with confidence, back it up with knowledge gleaned from research and finish it with performance. I wish you success.


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## NoIinThreesome (Nov 6, 2007)

sklldindiv said:


> Hello,
> 
> Just recently, I married my amazing, gorgeous, and undeservingly loving and forgiving wife who I am absolutely overjoyed to spend the rest of my life with. Just a couple of months ago as a matter of fact. Our time together has been rather quick as dating and marriage is concerned, having only been dating and gotten married in under a year. We both got a lot of grief for that, people acting like we were stupid and ignorant, but I didn't care, and still don't. I have every confidence that this is my one and only.
> 
> ...


I've done the best I can do. Only you can help yourself from here.

Good luck.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

NoIinThreesome said:


> I've done the best I can do. Only you can help yourself from here.


Huh? 

Are you the wife?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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