# need a lot of support right now



## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

Good morning and happy fathers day to the dads. 
I literally had a crap night w hubby. He again post dday said to me "no one would ever want to be with me" in addition to being cheated on lied to seperated and him deciding he wants me back post boundaries and 180 then me not trying cause of being unsure of extent then confesses and "cares" for a week. Then frustrated cause he lied so much trying to stay w family. He daid most of it wad true just lacked the sex adm. But for me it starts over. Wether i want a divorce is irrelevant. I just need to talk this out as getting d wont resolve the feelings i have of this. When he returned i honestly did not put any effort into M feeling like he came back for kids. I decided to wait it out a bit to see if he "heavy lifted". I noticed he did not initiate sex once. Appx. A few months later i iniated and he responded. Two months afterwards i told him i want divorce im tired of being sexless. He said he did not initiate out of respect to me. As he still holding thst big secret away from me. Now again he says no one would ever want to be with me...rubbing salt in an open wound. note his AP was not as attractive overall as i was but every gf before me was more attractive. Beautiful. He calls them beautiful me pretty. What is AP had he said was confidence. I lack confidence or anyway not as much as he likes. Im a perfectionist. I lack confidence as i want to be pergect. So when he says this cruel remark do i take it as truth? Does he feel he's above me? He is very sexy very charming. Ranks above me i say. Ive heatd people tell him gee how did he get me but they havent seen his past gf. i feel so dejected. So incredibly depressed. Ive had guys interested in me but no one im seriously attracted too and only married ones. I will not destroy a family for sex. My kids been thru hell for what he did. I just esnt to know why after what he did and the guilt he said he quit for he degrades me so bad. He said things to me he never said before. He also said he didnt fall in love mistly due to her looks. So the degrading me personally is what? I know he resented me before affair. Is degrading caused by affair fog, resentment, or maube its true he wishes he didnt marry me- said in anger. He did state while seperated he could do better than his ap. Boy wtf have i allowed myself to be put through. He said he wants to feel wanted needed desired. I cant at this poi t even tho im still very sexually attracted to him. But im very emotionally damaged by him. He also stated yest that i should know women do find him attractive etv...yes i know. But i wont be a f'n doormat. He said fri when i asked him what he wants..he said he wants happy sex w his wife etc. But sat. Said i dont want him..wants d. Then said does not want d....he is extremely irritable and my mood is not helping. We are two tornadoes crashing together. I suspect he burned out being a family tesponsible guy and in a selfish make up for youth guy. Cinflicted by responsibility selfishness just being male and cost of divorce versus trying in vain to be obligated to marriage vows. My emotions are co.plete anxiety depression. Im mid 40's. My looks are deteriorating
i think too he might be looming for someone better looking. I feel like crap. Just venting as i have no one to talk to. He reminds me of that daily. Thanks.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

He sounds a little like my man (ex). Immature and spiteful. The thing is, now I realise the when and why he says these things, I just let them wash over me and ignore his stupidity. I find it rather amusing a lot of the time with some of the ridiculous things he has come out with, with the only design of them being to hurt me.

Something that has helped me immensely in dealing with people like your husband is doing a lot of reading of articles on manipulation and projection, as well as reading here.

He is saying these things to you because he is hurting and wants to hurt you in return. Ya know, like a young child does with the 'I hate you' and as an older child they are much more articulate and manipulative with their words. It is as simple as that. And instead of addressing the issue that bothers him, he just snaps abuse at you instead. When he hurts you with it he scores a victory, no matter how hollow and empty, it is a victory all the same.

When he says hurtful things, the best thing you can do is tell him to 'oh shut up and stop being so silly', because he is being silly. And stupid. And very very childish. And ignore what he says when he is throwing mud...don't address it, just ignore it. Tell him if he wants a proper conversation with proper issues to discuss then to let you know. And in the meantime, just shut up. 

If he meant what he said, then what does that make him? What kind of fool stays with someone they don't love and then blames THEM for it? What kind if fool settles for second best and then continually reminds them they are second best? Someone who is abusive, vindictive, mean, controlling, avoiding the issue, avoiding the REAL issue, avoiding EVERYTHING....because you know what the issue is don't you? They are the issue, their behaviour is the issue, and they do and say these things to AVOID THE ISSUE. Easy to avoid it when they can turn it all on to how terrible you are, how all the problems lie with you. Manipulation at its best I'm afraid. 

WHAT HE SAYS IS NOT TRUE! And if they are true, what are you doing trying with someone who thinks they are above you? Who doesn't love you? 

Try and see all this rationally, don't hear his words, but try and see what is behind them. Put them into the context of a spiteful and manipulative man. 

And ya know, women may be portrayed as bi*ches but I have never known anyone as spiteful, childish, mean and manipulative as some men I have known. They have been the worst culprits in my experience....though I guess this is about being in relationships and I have never been in a 'couple' relationship with a woman. 

Get some good sleep tonight, tomorrow is another day. And I hope tomorrow you will feel stronger.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I'm really sorry your husband treats you this way. It's not only cheating, but also he is verbally and emotionally abusing you. 

My ex h did this to me, but he'd call me a worthless b1tch every single day after I worked all day supporting his a$$, cooking, cleaning and taking care of a newborn. I did leave him about a year after we married. I did not want to live like that. I cut off the sex when I finally stopped denying the red flags of cheating. His behavior was so awful that I emotionally disconnected from him, which made it very easy to leave. I would never sleep with a man that was having sex with another. You can very easily catch incurable STD's. 

There are much better men out there that will treat you like respect. Or even living without a man would be better then what your living through now. I know it's hard making it on your own, but come up with a plan and get yourself out! You will feel so much better when he's gone.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

His belittling seems like he is taking out his deficiencies on you. He knows he's a loser in life and to his marriage and family and he just has to shift the blame. 

The relationship is toxic. His lack of really trying to repair himself and the marriage is proof. Frankly, I don't see how things can get better until you are rid of him.


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## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

Ive been on my own and i know i can make it. I am just trying to figure out if he really means it or not. He only started to say it at beg. Of affair but doesnt mean he didnt feel it before. I wonder if he means me as a person or sexually. I have no confidence anymore. When we sep he told me he has an eye for an eye mentality. Resentful of me control issues. Worse we wk at same place. I cant find snother job without a 25 percent paycut. Im rrady to just annoubce he is my hubby yes but he seems to rather screw the gals here than be with his family. Lots of girls there want him sexually. Its humiliating on top of how much ive been through and he does not get the gossip hurting me for past couple years. I have no positive in my life anymore and my kuds are hurting. Im hurting from this in my life 24/7. I held my head high at wk but its taken its toll on me. He has told many people their im a *****. I kept our private life private. Im not a *****. Ive just been a ***** to our crap m from his resentment i didnt know he harbored but took out emitionally on me thru crap behavior.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He looks at you and sees a mirror of his own inadequacies. 

He sees you as unattractive because he knows that he is the possessor of an unattractive personality. 

His handsomeness is only skin deep.

You are cute, outwardly, but inwardly your shining, radiant personality is what makes you truly beautiful. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

Im sorry for venting. Im bawling right now. And i shouldnt be. He isnt. He sleeping peacefully but not here he took off last night. I tried to get him to provide solutions. He kept going in circles. During his A he also had circle conversations. He came back to fix. But now just asks what i need for happyness. I dont want to ask for anything. I feel he should offer what he is willing to give. Why ask for something if their not willing to give. Means nothing to me. What i want more than anything is for him to make amends. He didnt tell AP how he was being crap to me. Make him look good. He says he shouldnt talk to her. But i feel part of R is admitting he wasnt truthful to her. He humiliated me he should tell her truth. Why do i feel this way? She also worked w us and we all have mutual co workers. She went complaining after dday i was jealous to other co workers. I told h this. She denied it and he believed her. I asked why si ce he knows im comoletely honest and he said he thiught i was fishing. He had not admitted to the sex part yet..the A was over but ot the friendship. He wanted to alleviate guikt in his mind by quitting sex. The worse part for me besides the sex is the complete lack of respect to me at wk. Im just trying to support our children. I hate going to wk. How embarresing for my kids to know there dad acts this way at wk. I went to bank fri got statements. He blew 1100-1490 past three months in cash w/d. Thats each month. Drugs hotels? Idk. I feel sick. He doesnt know. This n that. I got cell numbers on day of w/d but i dont know who they were.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

What should he give you? Everything. He should not have to ask, he should just give.

And then say: "Was that enough? Or do you want more?"


And then give you that, too!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

Thanks mattmatt. I wouldnt of thought of that. He has an outwardly social personality. Funny. He can be a great person to anyone but me. He resents me but refuses to solve wtf the problems are. Or am i doing it all wrong. During sep he said he got married too young. I asked if he meant not done dating. He said no college not financially set. I bevame pg two months before wedding unplanned. After wedding he changed. Said he wasnt ready. I went home to my state. But..before i left he confessed there was a girl who also might be pg with his kid. We were not together during her supposed conception. He then went to her. He then had to make a choice as i called hi. W divorce info 4 mos after our wedding. I didnt give him a choice. I just said this what im doing. He called a week later said he coming out to raise a kid. Would get his own place. Hecame out stayed w me and my roommate and he grew up quick. Said ow1 as i guess i shoukd do this lied about due date. Not true as i know it now but i later found out she told him to come to me as i was def. Preg w his child she uncertain. His recommitment and sacrifice is what i took him back after months of his dedication to wk, prenatal appts, helping raise my roomates two young kids. And three kids later he was suoer everything until resentment hit.


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## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

The reason for sep before M is we werent in the same state. We were seeing others as due to our seperate home states and i wasnt living their. After their brief fling we spoke on ph. Daid he wanted to marry. I was dtill in love and fooloshly said yes. Decided w a young girls heart not logical head. He basically said even tho he dated he couldnt stop loving me or thinking about me. At this point idk..he knows says he wanted me to move their but due to his flightlyness he felt he had to offer a ring.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Don't believe anything he has ever said to you unless it is verified.

You don't get it do you? You do have control, he is the negative influence in your life and that you will only feel better once he is gone! 

You sound at or very near rock bottom. And yet you don't acknowledge that he must go. What does he have to do to you, how much worse can he make you feel, and how much more crap are you gonna take before you ditch him? 

Why on earth are you trying to work him out? That is purely procrastination on the inevitable, which is to split with him. And you won't work him out! Not while with him...not at the stage you are at. The best chance you have of working him out is to put him behind you. EDIT: Hindsight will give you all the answers you need. I had a manipulative ex, before the current manipulative one that I did all the research of his behaviour on. I was with him 11 years and had no clue in the way he manipulated me. I just couldn't intellectualise the hidden meanings to everything he did and said. My brain was just not wired in that way. It took 2 years after splitting up before I fully realised the extent of his behaviour and manipulation....and then I went into another manipulative relationship! How stupid is that! It will never happen again though because I know exactly what I am looking at when I see it now. I did A LOT of research and read A LOT of articles. Never will I be so easily fooled again. 

Please, give yourself the best present of your life and remove him from it. Deep breath, chin up, pull up socks, and start your plans for separation. Look at your kids....do you love them? How much? Do they deserve better? Give them better!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You will never know what is really going on in his brain. Only he does. So you need to look out for *your *best interests.


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## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

Yeah..the sucky part. I may not know. He does not like to share feelings. He said thats what he liked about Ap. She had none apparently or didnt share. She stayed emotionally closed off knowing he was not gonna divorce me. Anyway What i do know now i didnt know while dating is his parents did this mainly his mom. They D remarried seperated back together. He has avoidance issues. Wait u.til you explode. He has yried hard to wk on anger but..my impatience grows on him makes him angry now


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

notadoormat said:


> Yeah..the sucky part. I may not know. He does not like to share feelings. He said thats what he liked about Ap. She had none apparently or didnt share. She stayed emotionally closed off knowing he was not gonna divorce me. Anyway What i do know now i didnt know while dating is his parents did this mainly his mom. They D remarried seperated back together. He has avoidance issues. Wait u.til you explode. He has yried hard to wk on anger but..my impatience grows on him makes him angry now


You make him angry? 
Yeah, right! What a star he is. Not!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Not a door mat...I have edited my post, just thought I would heads you up on it....the info may or may not be of use to you, but it is there to read.


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## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

he says walking on eggshells. But he knows he caused it. I know its too late. Funny at apt he kept saying no one wanted him blah blah. Now its everyone does. before apt after dday 1 it was "she didnt want me..no one does". After final dday he said she dod want him and that was a deflection. So i wonder if no one deflects from everyone. He swears just this one and so far no other rumors. But this is what i wonder. Would it be stupid to have him call her and ask her to confirm story. Im still a bit unknown on that as office gossip says otherwise. But i dont want her to know she bugs the **** out of me she has no temorse. She moved far far away. Funny thing he was in and out w false R till she moved. He felt i wouldnt move forward until she left. Even w D i want final resolve as i feel everypne at wk knows about my husband more than i do. Sucks to be me. As he said when he first admitted to emotional affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

notadoormat said:


> he says walking on eggshells. But he knows he caused it. I know its too late. Funny at apt he kept saying no one wanted him blah blah. Now its everyone does. before apt after dday 1 it was "she didnt want me..no one does". After final dday he said she dod want him and that was a deflection. So i wonder if no one deflects from everyone. He swears just this one and so far no other rumors. But this is what i wonder. Would it be stupid to have him call her and ask her to confirm story. Im still a bit unknown on that as office gossip says otherwise. But i dont want her to know she bugs the **** out of me she has no temorse. She moved far far away. Funny thing he was in and out w false R till she moved. He felt i wouldnt move forward until she left. Even w D i want final resolve as i feel everypne at wk knows about my husband more than i do. Sucks to be me. As he said when he first admitted to emotional affair.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Have you considered the added gravitas holding a machete during your convos would bring? Few things can focus one's attention like being confronted by a rage filled spouse wielding a foot of merciless sharpened steel.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

uh nope. But thanks. I try to remain calm stick to issue. But yest when met w resistance my emotions flooded me and my resentments came out. Then he got pissed. He hates being told anything bad edp when all females give him positive attention. I am done competing against my co workers for my husband. I have cried all night the loss of my once happy family. Thr sad part too is w all posiyive frmale attention he never plans for fun stuff w kids. No wknds at all. I have them every single wknd. Even when he here just do nothing. ...hoping he wakes up w an epiphany today that he will see the light of how much effort he puts into wk and vo workers not so much to children fun etc. He used to be a great dad always wanting to do stuff. I pray...for a miracle. For my children on fathers day. I pray his wkplace ends being his fave place to be.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

notadoormat said:


> uh nope. But thanks. I try to remain calm stick to issue. But yest when met w resistance my emotions flooded me and my resentments came out. Then he got pissed. He hates being told anything bad edp when all females give him positive attention. I am done competing against my co workers for my husband. I have cried all night the loss of my once happy family. Thr sad part too is w all posiyive frmale attention he never plans for fun stuff w kids. No wknds at all. I have them every single wknd. Even when he here just do nothing. ...hoping he wakes up w an epiphany today that he will see the light of how much effort he puts into wk and vo workers not so much to children fun etc. He used to be a great dad always wanting to do stuff. I pray...for a miracle. For my children on fathers day. I pray his wkplace ends being his fave place to be.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Just trying to bring a little levity in. I know what you're going through right now is so hard. Sounds like you are doing great, though. You deserve to be happy, and you will make it through this!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

notadoormat said:


> he says walking on eggshells. But he knows he caused it......
> 
> .........and that was a deflection......
> 
> ...


1st section, it is deflection. He is playing games. Manipulation. This is mental abuse and this is why your head is in such a mess. Which is why I keep saying for you to read up on these issues. They become clearer and you stop questioning yourself in the way that HE WANTS YOU TO, BECAUSE THE MORE YOU DO, THE LESS HE HAS TO FACE OF THAT, THAT IS HIS OWN DOING.

2nd part. He is telling you what you feel (they do this to manipulate. You tell them how you feel and they ignore. Instead they make their own words up purely to get the results they want) and that YOU WON'T GET OVER IT. This translates into 'shut up, I don't want to talk about it, I want you to stop bringing it up'. You won't get over it is directly translated into STOP BRINGING IT UP. 

He was in and out of false R because he was still seeing her. Telling you you won't move on til she is gone is true, but not for the reasons he is portraying. You won't move on because actually he doesn't want to because he is still seeing her. Therefore, HE WON'T MOVE ON TIL SHE IS GONE.

I hope you can move out of this hole soon. You sound in a dark place. Try and understand that what he says and what he means will never match. He is a horrible manipulative man. I believe these kind of people have major mental health issues. You cannot save him. And he is bringing you down with him.


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## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

i text ask if he plans on fathers day. I got blameshifting texts and lies about me. He now wants to take me to counseling. After begging him to do something for kids he called. Said i ruined his life. Well ok but u can choose today to do something about it. Turn it around. Feels like he turning tables on me. Too much damage blame games etc. Yrs cruel. I became in response from feeling powerless. He on way to do fathers day. I think im posting more as weve reached a boiling point. I need help perspective and a laugh. No judgements. Yes he been a creep i made bad choices in response. Then i found you guys so i read a long long long time. He said on ph he hates his life. Better go. Thanks
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

OMG, he cheated on you and then turns around and treats you like this?? WHY are you even interacting with this man?? Stop giving such a damn about the details, and get him out of your life!


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## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

its not that easy and ill explain more later. His family in another state.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

im dealing w a huge burden of resentment pre a that may or may not be a bpd. He abused as a kid by his mom boyfriends. He has no memory of when we should have memories.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

notadoormat said:


> im dealing w a huge burden of resentment pre a that may or may not be a bpd. He abused as a kid by his mom boyfriends. He has no memory of when we should have memories.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That is not your problem, that is HIS problem that only HE can address and work on. Dont allow yourself to be his whipping post because of his issues.


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