# still grinding this out.



## shattered man

So I left my wife last weekend....for some reason i woke up in the middle of the night and decided enough was enough.....so i packed my clothes and away i went......she slept thru it all.....next day i was bombarded with texts.....where are you whats wrong etc....she said she did NOT regret the affair and that all things happen for a reason....WTF>>>>> how do i take that.....36 hours and she convinced me to move back.....and she thought we were making great progress......who is progressing here? She had the affair im trying to forgive and push thru this .....shes trying to decide if she wants to spend the rest of her life with me as a family.....Im so close to leaving for good....we are in a real financial situation..if i leave now it will look like im leaving her in a mess....somehow i already look like the bad guy because of HER affair....I wish I had the balls to just leave and be done with it all....my kids will get over it im sure....but for some damn reason i love her still....almost 4 months later and its still a crushing blow to me.......how to i convey that im NOT sticking around to let her decide if im worth it or not.....


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## ilou

She has no regrets. You're painted as a bad guy for her infidelity. 

You posted everything that SHE thinks. And it takes two to reconcile (unless you're a pushover).

You left on instinct. Sometimes your gut feeling is also the logical reason. 

You feel the kids will get over it.

What's keeping ya?

_(Lot's of "You's" in this post because that's who you should be concerned with, not SHE)_


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## Dewayne76

Man, that sounds rough. 

I would NEVER try to Reconcile with a heffer that refuses to repent or show remorse for an affair. 


I'm sorry you're going through this. I'd tell her "No, I'm gone. You have absolutely NO REMORSE for the affair. I'm done if that's all you have to say, good bye!"

Sucks, I feel ya. Mine has said "I'm sorry" a few times but not shown any real remorse. In fact, just tonight she even refused to tell me the date to the final court date for our Divorce! Got very pissy when I insisted I knew. 

Women ... I swear man, it's so strange. (I know, men suck too  )


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## Chuck71

Remember what I told you in PMs. If she does not regret the affair...that is a hint....it WILL happen again. Personally I would move out or tell her to. When she asks why......until you feel remorse for the affair.....we will have separate addresses. Be careful, she may say what you want to hear and be full of crap. Do not accept the talk the talk.....demand her to walk the walk. As for you being the bad guy....she cheated...how are you the a-hole in this? She is in poor finances......ahhh poor her. Should've considered that before she stepped out.


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## shattered man

We are in a financial spot due to MY health issues....she has stated she resents me for my body breaking down over the last few years.....now i find out that the problems are returning and could potentially be worse than before.....im downplaying it but it really could force me into a disability situation. The it will really hit the fan... i didnt ask for it....how do i know she will stand beside me while im recovering or use it as an opportunity to bolt......she has been searching the pc and has found that i post on here....and of course she feels betrayed.......trust is a wonderful thing isnt it...should i feel guilty for seeking advice from others that are going thru the EXACT same thing......i read a text conversation last week regarding a few issues she has with me....her councilor told her to give it 3 months before she makes any decisions .....well its coming up fast....she says she wishes she would have stuck to her guns 3 months ago....and went thru with the divorce...now she says she feels like she led me on.......how stupid am i....all the evidence is in front of me yet here i sit.........perhaps the stupidest man alive sitting before you. 

why you ask... I promised my 14 yr old i would do everything in my power so save our family.....Ive never broken a promise to her .......this one will be close


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## This is me

I do not know your back story but look into Mid Life Crisis. It happens primarily in the 40's sometimes in 30s or 50s. It can lead to the fog of greener pastures and cheating. It is a fog that lifts. A temporary mental glitch. 

If it looks like the MLC you may consider looking at it like the illness it is. If you can forgive the affair you can save the marriage and be considerate for the childrens sake.


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## Mr Blunt

> how to i convey that im NOT sticking around to let her decide if im worth it or not.....


*Get out NOW!!!	WHY?*



> She has no regrets. You're painted as a bad guy for her infidelity


*If she does not regret it you have no chance* 

*It is either you or her. Go to work on you so that you will know that you are worth it to you. No one will think you are worth it if you don’t*


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## Chuck71

Read Lifescripts thread. If you stay, she will lure you to for the sake of the kids. And I guarantee she will have multiple affairs afterwards. Move out, set boundaries, 180 and if there is an R....your terms. You need your daughter, you do not need your wife. If you want it to work, this is where you do it. If you don't, welcome to Mr. Doormat.


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## shattered man

If i leave i know her parents will be overjoyed and step in and help her....my kids will understand one day i hope...i found a house i absolutely love and can see my self there.....nothing much but it would be mine and i could trust whoever lived there...ME....Ill have to switch jobs right away as i work for her father....im compiling a list of things i want to take with me....so i can present this to her so no surprises.....i will no doubt lose computer access for a long time.....she needs it for her business and kids for school. just need the guts to call on the house now and get things set in motion......


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## Chuck71

You're in a fix but do you still want to be in a situation where THEY dictate what you do? It will be hard at first but after you leave.....you will understand. I'm sure others will post after me who have been in a spot similar to you. You are boxed in, it will do your ego good to get out. I recommend taking what you need and leaving, do not give her any warning. Let her text, do not answer. Set up a time and place to tell your kid(s) what you did and that it changes nothing between you and them. Let "princess" run to her parents, I bet that's always been her safety net. She probably has always gotten what she wanted.....until now. Make that call......you'll be glad you did.


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## shattered man

so here it is.....today i grabbed my wifes phone and seen she called the OM......then proceeded to lie about it....left then texted me the truth......I lost it.......we had a huge fight in front of our kids.....i told her i was done...ive been looking for houses called on a new job again.......she says she doesnt regret the affair...just the fact that she hurt people....Im crushed.....all over again........lies lies and more lies......I made it real clear that i cant do this anymore.....financially we will lose the house....probobly my truck......our toys and our kids will be devasted about moving out of the only house they have ever known.....I feel horrible i blew up at her in front of my daughters........somehow she spins this whole thing as me being the bad guy........
ive tried to instigate sex over the last 2 weeks and gotten nowhere.....then she lies and says she was sooooo tired or didnt feel good or whatever.......today she confessed in the fight that she was purposely not having sex with me she didnt feel the need for it......perhaps she got enough last summer with her boy friend.....all the cuddling foot rubs talking of the future has been a huge lie.......she says to protect me from getting hurt....she went along with things.....maybe shes not capable of the truth anymore......yet Im the bad guy.......Ive done a 180 with my life and didnt expect everything to change within 4 months i knew this would be a long road......what i didnt expect was for her to be living a lie......she has had other divorced friends tell her to start stashing money......maybe she is.......im at the end of my rope here.....i know what you all are going to tell me to do......God grant me the strength to do the right thing.


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## Too Little Too Late?

This is me said:


> I do not know your back story but look into Mid Life Crisis. It happens primarily in the 40's sometimes in 30s or 50s. It can lead to the fog of greener pastures and cheating. It is a fog that lifts. A temporary mental glitch.
> 
> If it looks like the MLC you may consider looking at it like the illness it is. If you can forgive the affair you can save the marriage and be considerate for the childrens sake.


How long can the MLC last?


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## Chuck71

GTFO........leave skid marks. Ignore the spins to blame you. Let her world crash......let her know the price for the affair. The first time she did not regret the affair your arse should have bolted.


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## This is me

Too Little Too Late? said:


> How long can the MLC last?


No two are the same. Mostly years I think, 2, 3 averages.

I recommend the books Divorce Busting or Divorce Remedy. I think you really have to have experienced a good solid marriage for a period of time and then see the dramatic change in the wayward to consider it MLC. These books help understand and set a plan if you are out to save the marriage.


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## Mr Blunt

Your name is Shattered Man but if you do not grow some cajones RIGHT NOW you will be renamed DOOR MAT!

Don’t let yourself present yourself with excuses as to why you may stay. *You have been treated with NO RESPECT and have been lied to many many times and you are plan B at best*. You maybe plan Z.

If your wife continues to shows you no respect and you become a door mat your children will not respect you. There will be pain now if you stay or leave. If you leave now in the years to come you will be a LOT better off without that woman that treats you like you are a dirty dish rag. If you stay you will not be any good to yourself or anyone else.


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## shattered man

I had a breakdown friday and contacted my therapist...we talked at length about everything.....She believes my wife is indeed involved in a mlc....and post affair fog.......she believes she still loves me but is afraid at this point to open up to me for fear of ME throwing her past at her at the sign of any issues to come....she also believes she needs to forgive herself about her affair.....I do agree with you all that I need to stand up for myself......Im real close to a new job to get away from my father-in-laws business...I have a property in mind and have begun negotiations ......I may not be as blunt but I am sending a message that Im tired of walking around here like a ghostly figure....I have been open with her about the house and job..and she seems nervous ...I really could care or less .......My therapist asked me a point blank question.....Will you wait this out....or cut the ties and move on.....I have another week to come to an answer for her...so to speak.....My wife says she is so confused about life right now.....she cares for me deeply but isnt sure she can tear down the walls she has put up over the years....both therapists say time and patience.....and of course if i choose this path be prepared for disaster if indeed she wants out...

All i can do is work on myself.....make myself a better, stronger person...so if we stay together im a better man for her and my children...and if we divorce ..then im strong enough to move on...accept it...and if im lucky find love again.......


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## This is me

Excellent! This is exactly where I was at before things turned for the better. It was slow from there, but I can tell you it was worth it for me.

I reflected on out 17 years with many many great memories and decided to wait it out as long as she was willing to work her way back. She needed her space through the MLC, and I gave her time, but after several months it seemed like we were not moving either way, limboland. After 4 months I was done being in the gray, so I gave her a choice. We are moving towards R or D. She had to decide. If she was not going towards R then we needed to D, I wanted my life back. She first said D, and at the very last minute changed to R. 

A year later and we are much better now. I wish you well!


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## The-Deceived

She has no regret? Adiós, muchacha. Drop her like a hot potato.


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## Chuck71

I promise you, once you move out you will see things with a clear head. You will kick yourself for not doing it sooner. Same thing happened to me. And watch her actions......she may just move on to another guy. Consider yourself lucky you found out now rather than 10 years later when she has an STD (and gave it to you) from having 17 affairs in 10 years. You want that? I pray you don't. You can't choose who you love but you can choose how much you can take from them. Good luck dude and keep posting!


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## shattered man

so....has been awhile.......caught them again communicating.......found a new job....have arrangements for a new house....have great legal council ........and now waiting for the right time to leave this house of lies.........where has the worlds morals gone to? Can you realllly trust anyone now? Even IF i wanted to look for a new partner in life....how can i ever trust them? Im curious as to who believes in Karma.....apparently im getting mine now....but i dont deserve this treatment


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## Chuck71

Do not make those in your future pay for the sins of people in your past
Karma........wait until she gets hers
New job...house....no need to sneak
get up and leave

ps-tell the kids first....then leave


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## kandlestick

I agree with mr blunt


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## shattered man

Takes money to start over....If i leave...where do i go? Timing is everything right....ya call me gutless or whatever.....right now i have little options.....the new job will get me started.....and when spring hits housing will be easier to find.....


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## Chuck71

...found a new job....have arrangements for a new house....have great legal council ........and now waiting for the right time to leave this house of lies

Everything takes money
timing is everything; Andre Agassi said so in 1990
you have arrangments for new digs, per your statement
never called you gutless, not in my vocabulary
i do not know you personally, therefore i have no validity to
you have little options-in previous post you sounded as if you did
after the cracker jack bullsh!t your W put you through
i would sleep in a cheap end hotel...for sanity


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## Conrad

shattered man said:


> so....has been awhile.......caught them again communicating.......found a new job....have arrangements for a new house....have great legal council ........and now waiting for the right time to leave this house of lies.........where has the worlds morals gone to? Can you realllly trust anyone now? Even IF i wanted to look for a new partner in life....how can i ever trust them? Im curious as to who believes in Karma.....apparently im getting mine now....but i dont deserve this treatment


Of course they were communicating.

Have you done any work on yourself?

Or is your entire focus still on her?


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## naga75

i treated my wife like crap for years.
so i totally accept 50% of the marital problems. i own them, absolutely. and i own 100% of my own infidelities.
if my wife told me she "wasnt sorry" for her (2 year long) affair, i would be out the door so fast her head would spin from the wind of my passing.
it takes remorse to even attempt a real reconcilliaton. otherwise, its all an act. and im not ok with having a sham of a marriage anymore.
are you?


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## shattered man

naga... Im not perfect...I messed up 10 years ago....a drunken mistake.....i moved out from my OWn guilt.....i lived away from my wife and kids for 2 months......finally i begged forgiveness and she did...and let me back in.....she has never asked me to forgive her.....i agree with the sham of a marriage.....at this point i know im being played the fool......the believes i dont have the stones to move on.....well guess what.....im halfway down my road to salvation......new job.....and new friends......im playing the game until im able to make the leap.......its been 4 months since she said I love you....last night i tripped up out of an old habit and said it to her....no reply......and appologized for it......her response was.."lol its ok" nice huh......Im not dumb i know when shes lying to me at this point.....she is determined to keep this house.....so she picked up a second job .....if all goes well this job will be HER salvation....she wont need my income to keep her here......so be it.....like i said i have great legal council and when it hits the fan joint physical custody she wont get jack from me.....we get to just split the marital debt and move on.....started my new job last monday....have been SICK all week with stomach issues.....stress etc didnt make a great first impression on my employer....trying to get my ducks in a row quick.....i mess this up..and im screwed fro ever........


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## Chuck71

EVERY ONE slips...........your measure is how you pick yourself up and keep swinging.....i think you are going to make it.......i have no idea who you are but.......i see you crossing the finish line


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## shattered man

been over a month at the new job.....couldnt be happier......still living at home....still working on being a better "me". Things seem to have taken a turn for the better as of late.....i think.....the friends she ran with before arent in her life these days.....she seems focused on bailing US out of our financial issues .....she has picked up a second job....which raised my radar untill i saw the paychecks come in and they match up with the time she is gone perfectly.....she swears she never wants to hurt me like that again....I asked her point blank if she will ever love me again..and she said she didnt know.....after all the hurt she put on me shes scared to open up to me for fear of me slapping her in the face...throwing the past back at her......i think the guilt of her sins has caught up with her......

However..
I have begun packing misc items up....i have continues to look for a new house....Im not convinced I can Love her like i did before....but then i look in her eyes and fall all over again......sad i know.....shes not the same person to me....and Im not the same person to her.....good or bad...this is where it is now......we openly talk about the future together......we have both stopped counciling....really beating the same dead horse at the sessions.......

time will tell....


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls

OMG.. this is such a sad story. 

I feel I have much of the same feeling for my wife that you do. 

I have a great song for you to listen to and take note of the words. It says a ton to me. Maybe it will for you. I'm also totally in the fog about my wife too... 

Not Enough - Van Halen


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## Chuck71

Swtlg-Great song choice! Listened to that a lot back in '95.

Shattered-Be sure to focus on yourself. Glad to see you are feeling better.


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## StillSearching

My wife has had several affairs. We have reconciled. I will never forget. I have forgave her. It takes years. Just be the best man you can be, let the chips fall where they fall. She will be remorseful in her own time. Mine took 10 years to be remorseful. If your the best man you can be even if your wife does not come around your new woman will be a better one because of your change. Own your role in it all no matter how small it may be.... That's the tough part. But the most educational in the end.


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## all_in

How did you make it 10 years for her remorse? I'm at almost 6 months and agonize that she isn't remorseful. I don't know if I have the patience you do...


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## Chuck71

all in.....key is not to wait

focus on you....and your children

vast majority return at some point or another

do not wait on it... this is your life...live it to max


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## all_in

Thanks Chuck, great advice.


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## legiox

Holy crap! She doesn't regret the affair? WOW, I don't know what to say. If that was my wife, I would leave her so damn fast.:scratchhead:


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