# Wait and See



## Happyagain39 (Mar 15, 2012)

My first post-never done this before, but I dont talk to very many people about this-worried they would feel so depressed, and I'm the one that tries to keep the sun shining everywhere I go!
I've been married for 7 years. my first husband was in a car accident and died 12 days later about 10 years ago. He left me and two sons behind, 4 and 7. fast forward to my 2nd marriage to my current husband. He swooped in and charmed the heck out of the three of us! He was so fun, there was a spark in his gentle, kind eyes and I married this man about 6 months after we met at a work christmas party. At the time, I was renting a cute little home from my 1st husband's family, and I loved this little home. The home was small, and to be honest my now husband was uncomfortable having my dead husband's family walking around, coming through the door anytime..(it didnt bother me, and I am still very close with them!) He suggested we start fixing up the home he had bought before we met. It was his grandfather's home-and to be honest, it needs a match instead of investing in any repairs. I didnt want my husband unhappy with this living situation so I agreed we would try and fix the house up a little and he promised me we would work on either building a new home on the 2 acres or putting a mobile on it. We moved in after making very small repairs and killing the rats that had snuck in the house. 

It was pretty cute since I put alot of character in it! I spent a year in that house with my boys and we made the best of it because I had my husband's undying love and affection (anything is tolerable when you have something like that!) we were pregnant and having our first daughter together. Things couldnt have been more perfect and happy, I cried out of pure bliss-I was given a second chance at what I always wanted-a loving family. My worries I shared with my husband, we had seen evidence of a rat in the laundry room and being pregnant I wasn't about to allow that around my baby! Other problems crept up in the house, my husband decides to tell me that yes, his grandfather died from cancer in the house. He wasnt a good man, very crooked and had been accused of molesting his own daughters!

His family was very demanding and severly dysfunctional. They caused me alot of stress because they were so horribly inconsiderate-leaving cars in our driveway for months, dropping off appliances, and garbage for us to take care of, I was going insane with anger. It caused some strain for us. At the same time my husband fell in love with another person-our daughter. It was wonderful, it was all I hoped for when she was born. It was a bit sad too, because he sort of forgot about us. He slowly started taking away kissing me before heading out to work in the morning, saying "love you!" before hanging up, holding hands in the car, it was the little things I started missing. I tried to talk to him about it, he would say, "Sorry, Im just so busy" or "Im too tired to think about that." Somehow despite the rarity of having sex, I did get pregnant with our youngest daughter. It wasn't quite planned yet, but of course we were excited.

Things really started getting a little shaky, I found myself going to bed alone-he wouldnt come to bed till late-he would play solitaire on the computer, or watch crazy reality shows. By the time I was in the hospital recovering from a c-section, he played with his new cell phone while I laid in the bed, crying while getting my staples taken out (never again!) I knew that there wasn't much left. Still dealing with the smell of stagnant water flooding the downstairs basement, ice on the inside of the windows in the winter, smoke billowing in the house from the only source of heat-a woodstove that leaks..I'm getting depressed and starting to build resentment. We had been approved for a loan to repair the house and when the appraiser came out and deemed the house not worth a dime, my husband refused to keep fighting for the loan and just let it go.

A few months later I had everything set up for a mobile home, we were approved. All we had to do was sign all the papers, he said no. He said we were going to sell the place since the land is valuable (commercial) we were going to get an offer anytime. Then naturally, his younger brother could no longer afford rent and asked to Temporarily move in with us.."no more than two months" as quoted by my husband. Two years later, he is still with us. He doesnt bathe, he doesnt wash his clothes-EVER, he doesnt wash his hands. He leaves a huge mess in the bathroom after he uses it (I was scrubbing the toilet every day!) I was growing more and more angry to the point where Im slamming stuff around fuming mad because I had to clean the toilet AGAIN or I have to smell his stink brother sitting in my house that already reeks.

My husband barely touches me and I'm lonely and wishing he would just put his arms around me again. Sure, I would eventually blow up at him and tell him things have to change-that I can't live there anymore with the way things were going-I would email him desperate letters begging for change. He would be a little proactive for a few days then things would slide right back into misery for me. He was content because I took care of everything. The man doesnt cook, shop or offer to bathe the girls so I can pack their lunches for school, or get some laundry done. I also work 2 jobs and he wouldn't lift a finger to help me out. I would come home to a complete disaster and just cry. He would just sit at the computer playing stupid. I would cry on my friends' shoulders, and they would tell me he's an ass and I needed to do something about it. (keep in mind all my closest friends had just left their husbands too-all for the same thing I am going through) 

Part of me didnt want to do what I knew I had to do because in a way I feel like I failed my sons at providing them a healthy childhood. I know that I couldn't control a car accident and none of that was my fault, but if I could control things this time, I had to stay and make things work. My birthday rolled around and I wanted to actually do something. I wanted to meet up with another couple that we work with at the County and go out for dinner and dancing-and get a hotel room where we could go crazy and then sleep in the next day! I wanted to enjoy some time with my husband and so I planned it all out. I gave him plenty of time to prepare-about 5 days (over time, he had withdrawn from all his friends, stopped playing golf and softball and had grown pretty unsocial) so I worked on him all week.

The big day came and I was showing him what I was going to wear, and he said "when are they coming to pick you up?" I thought he was joking. I said "No, we are going out! You and me!" he played stupid and said I never told him HE was going with me, he assumed I was going with friends, and why can't I understand how bad his back had been hurting!! He slams the door and goes outside to his garage. I get on the phone and cancel the hotel, and thought I'd just go out to dinner with my friends, but I was too hurt to want to do anything at that point! I should have gone out anyways. THEN he comes back in and says "Why dont we go out for dinner tomorrow?" I kind of nod and disappear while he goes out to chop and stack wood. (Back hurts huh?) 4:30 comes and goes the next day and I give up and start making dinner, he comes in and asks me why we aren't going to dinner, I told him I didnt know I had to make those plans. I didnt go to dinner. That was the worst birthday I think I've ever had!

By the time Christmas came, a few days before I texted my husband and told him I was going to stay with my mom for awhile and to please try to keep things positive for the girls. He says back he will keep a brave face. So when I actually started talking about the plan, he wigs out and starts screaming at me, I think it finally sunk in. He was furious. I ended up staying with a few friends here and there with the little kids (bigger kids wanted to stay where they were because of friends and didnt want to couch surf!) After quite a few days of him either ignoring me or wildly texting me-telling me I never gave him an ultimatum or any clue that I was unhappy, I knew that I needed to just hand him the divorce paperwork. So I did. He looks at me crazy and says "I dont want a divorce!" 

I still moved into my own apartment that is so nice compared to where I lived. There is no sewer smell when I do laundry, no rats, no mold, no ghosts, no stink brother in law and his idiot family are nowhere to be seen! My demands are clear-Sell the house, tell 42 year old brother to move out on his own, start being proactive if you want to save the marriage. Two months have gone by, he's done nothing. He just finally came to our apartment a few nights ago, he slept with me-it was like I was starving and someone gave me a lettuce leaf. It was the greatest leaf I've ever had! A few days go by and then I get an angry text from husband-word has gone around that I have left him. How dare I tell anyone at work, now I have created a hostile work environment for him (he has worked and been friends with almost everyone there for 20 years) I should consider the consequences before I go around telling people our private business.

My thought is that he is just embarrassed because the facts are clear-the house, the brother in law, the intrusive family, the laziness, I just had enough and he doesnt want to tell people this. The more time that goes by and I realize I dont need anyone to be happy, do I just leave things alone and wait? I feel like a fool to have put my life on hold, waiting for the house I needed to raise my kids in, waiting for the brother in law to move out, waiting for my husband to come to bed, waiting for so much, if he didnt give me those things, what makes me hold out hope that he will now that I have left him? He's done nothing to show me he is fighting for me and our family. ok that wasnt very short. sorry, didnt realize how much story had to be put out there before I got the this point!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Paragraphs are your freind. Please go back an put some space between the paragraphs so your very long post is easier to read.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Well I actually read all of it.

You have done what you had to. There is no way you should live in the home condition you were living in. The house could cause a lot of illness. This is especially true with rats around. 

Maybe some day the house will fall down and then your husband will move in with you ... 

Your husband has fallen into a pattern that is unhealthy for your marriage. He got more upset about people at work knowing that you moved then he did that you moved.

By the way, you have your children with you right?

You need to do something to get him to take you serious. I suggest that you tell him that when he is interested in working on your marriage he should let you know. But since it looks like he is not you are moving on. Treat him according to the 180 in my signature block below. File for divorce.. remember that a divorce can be stopped at any time before it's final.

The purpose of this is to set your boundary and to let him know that you are serious... either he move in with you and work on your marriage, build a house that people can actually live in and get rid of annoying relatives.. or you are going through with the divorce.

If this does not wake him up.. he's a lost cause.


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## Happyagain39 (Mar 15, 2012)

Thankyou! Yes, I sort of got all crazy with the typing, I didnt realize that I had poured everything out in one huge lump! I feel a little better and sort of stronger (still working on the guilt trip he likes to give me that I moved out) but he told me that I have never really been alone in my life. I dont think I told him about the months I spent alone with my kids after being widowed. How no one would come around because they couldnt take the pain. That's irrelevant, but this is a start. Being away from that hell hole has lifted my spirits. Even though I live day to day, at least I dont live with the brother in law that smells like a wet elk! Yes, my girls are with me, they do spend two nights with Dad and come home from school to the house everyday.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hang in there!!


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## Happyagain39 (Mar 15, 2012)

Sure will..signed a 12 month lease..got 10 more months to go! Thanks


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