# I want my husband to get a job, I don't want to leave him!



## Person125 (Jun 7, 2017)

My husband was a teacher when we met, which I loved. But after we got married, he started getting burnt out of teaching, and went through pretty bad anxiety and depression. He quit teaching and spent the summer jobless, which was okay because I knew he needed to work on his mental health. He saw a counselor and got medication, and started to improve. He got a part time job at a retail store.

Now, over two years later, I am a little bit over waiting for him to get back into a real career and help support us. I work at a non-profit and we live in the DC area (so yeah, it's really expensive). I have been supporting us mostly, and even got a second job as a waitress which was just awful.

We have had many talks about this, and I have expressed very clearly how important it is to me that he finds something else- it doesn't have to be amazing, but something that has a goal, where he can move up and find a new career. Though he keeps promising he will find something, he hasn't been making much of an effort at all. It is affecting our marriage, because I want to move forward, to try to buy a house and have children (I am 30, he is 32), but we are constantly worrying about money. He has also gained about 80 pounds since we got married. I think the anxiety, the weight gain, and the job thing are playing a part also in the fact that I have lost a lot of my sexual desire.

However, despite all this, he is a great guy and has a lot of really positive qualities. We live well together. I just wish he could get back on his feet and be the man I married. We have seen a marriage counselor and I decided to set a bottom line- that he had to get a job with prospects by September 1 or else I would leave. I set this bottom line on May 1. Now that September 1 is approaching and I haven't seen any progress on the job hunt, I am getting worried. I want him to pull through, but if he doesn't, I will have to leave him! Does anyone have any words of wisdom to help quell my anxiety about the looming deadline?


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

This post has a very strong deja vu attached to it. You posted this before. Did you not find what you were looking for in previous responses?


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

"However, despite all this, he is a great guy and has a lot of really positive qualities."


Please list his three best qualities as you see them.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I hope you actually read the responses to this thread and comeback and discuss this more since you have not returned to your other thread.

Anyway, the first thing you need to understand is the difference between words and actions. Words mean nothing and have no intrinsic value for they do nothing. Actions mean everything as they are what we do to accomplish this and make things happen. 

If he says he will get a job but yet sits on the couch playing with an electronic gadget, then he will not get a job because getting job means actually looking for one and sending out resumes and filling out applications, going to interviews, taking classes, increasing your skill sets etc etc.

This applies to you as well since saying you will leave if he doesn't find a job and saying you won't support him means nothing if you are not seeking lawyers, cutting off his money supply, finding another place to live, packing your stuff etc etc.

If you are doing none of those things, that means that you aren't leaving and that you are continuing to support him. 

If you are serious, then now is the time you hire lawyers and start filing paperwork and start packing your stuff. Now is the time you cancel his credit cards, take his name off the bank accounts and tell him no when he asks for money. 

Those are the differences between words and actions.

If you are taking those actions, then you have informed him of what will take place if he doesn't find gainful employment and all is fair. 

If you aren't taking any actions, then it is just words and you are simply being a nag and being manipulative.


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## Person125 (Jun 7, 2017)

1. Conflict resolution: He is great at saying sorry, never gets angry, always tries to understand my side.
2. Very great with my friends and family. Very sociable and funny and outgoing- everyone likes him. Also REALLY great with kids.
3. Very kind and supportive. Not jealous, always supporting me to be the best I can be, caretaker when I am feeling down.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

With that out of the way, let get down to business. 

Everyone has a right to want a home and family and a spouse who is a contributing partner. Marriage is in fact a legal and financial partnership so it is a reasonable expectation that your spouse contributes to the household and to the financials.

If he does not, then it is 100% in your right to dissolve the marital contract. 

No one should be expected to support an able-bodied adult who simply doesn't want to work.

This doesn't make him a bad person and you do not have to stop associating with him. He is simply poor husband and father material and you would be wise dissolve the marriage with him. You can still be friends and still talk about your common interests and if you feel like springing for some ice cream some time you can do that as well. 

But attempting to have a home and family with a fat, lazy, unemployed man who refuses to get out and find a source of income is pure insanity and stupidity on your part. 

You didn't sign up for this. You married under the assumption that he was an educated, functional, healthy, professional adult. Now you have a fat, lazy, entitled 14 year old that doesn't want to pull his rotund weight.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

How often do you guys have mind blowing sex? Is this a marriage worth saving? No kids, obese husband that hasn't worked for years, obese husband that has anxiety and depression. Why are you not willing to let this broken guy go?

You better leave him after September 1st. If it was me, I'd leave him now and see how he likes supporting himself with no job. He is just using you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It's obviously his choice whether to meet the deadline or not. Just as it's your choice what to do if he doesn't meet it. Put together a plan in case you have to implement it September 1. In the meantime step back. Focus on you.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Person125 said:


> 1. Conflict resolution: He is great at saying sorry, never gets angry, always tries to understand my side.
> 2. Very great with my friends and family. Very sociable and funny and outgoing- everyone likes him. Also REALLY great with kids.
> 3. Very kind and supportive. Not jealous, always supporting me to be the best I can be, caretaker when I am feeling down.




And he will continue to be those things when you are in your own home, taking care of your own expenses and living your own life as a single woman. 

You have given him fair warning and he has been informed of the consequences of his continued inaction. You have done your due diligence. 

Start looking for a new place to live, get a lawyer and start drawing up the divorce plan and start packing your stuff. 

You can still be friends after the divorce and you could even invite him over for a booty call now and then too if you want. But if you don't want to support him financially and you want a partner that is at least self sufficient, you are going to have to find someone else.

And if a few years down the road, he has grown up, obtained an honorable career and lost weight and he asks you out on a date and you happen to be single at that time, you can consider that like you would any other date offer at that time.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Person125 said:


> My husband was a teacher when we met, which I loved. But after we got married, he started getting burnt out of teaching, and went through pretty bad anxiety and depression. He quit teaching and spent the summer jobless, which was okay because I knew he needed to work on his mental health. He saw a counselor and got medication, and started to improve. He got a part time job at a retail store.
> 
> Now, over two years later, I am a little bit over waiting for him to get back into a real career and help support us. I work at a non-profit and we live in the DC area (so yeah, it's really expensive). I have been supporting us mostly, and even got a second job as a waitress which was just awful.
> 
> ...


So, you're getting ready to leave him on Sept 1, right? There's nothing I or anyone can do to quell your anxiety, unfortunately. Only you can do that. If he hasn't made any effort to look for work, it simply means he doesn't want to and prefers where he is in life. That obviously won't do for you. 

If you back down on your ultimatum, then he won't take anything you say seriously. I realize it's not what you want, but you're going to lose good childbearing years waiting around for him to get with the program.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Person125 said:


> 1. Conflict resolution: He is great at saying sorry, never gets angry, always tries to understand my side.
> 2. Very great with my friends and family. Very sociable and funny and outgoing- everyone likes him. Also REALLY great with kids.
> 3. Very kind and supportive. Not jealous, always supporting me to be the best I can be, caretaker when I am feeling down.


1. Of course he's not going to generate conflict with someone who is supporting him. Why rock the boat?
2. Same as above
3. One who provides zero financial support for years on end can not honestly be called "supportive." Quite the opposite. 

You've given an ultimatum and now you're sorry you may have to follow through or capitulate, neither of which you want to do. That's the problem with ultimatums--unless they are carried out, they mean nothing, and it can be difficult to carry them out. 

Here's the thing; if you don't follow through, he will learn his being a slacker is acceptable and he will never change; never get a job. These boards are full of wives who hoped for change of this type, and it never came. 

Bottom line: it's tough love time. You do him no favors by enabling him here. 
You must follow through or you are only facilitating his perpetual immaturity. By accepting his behavior, you are stunting his growth, not encouraging it.


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## Person125 (Jun 7, 2017)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> 1. Of course he's not going to generate conflict with someone who is supporting him. Why rock the boat?
> 2. Same as above
> 3. One who provides zero financial support for years on end can not honestly be called "supportive." Quite the opposite.


I feel like maybe you (and others) are making him out to be more manipulative than he really is, like he is intentionally using me. He might be using me, but I really don't think it is from some sinister place. He does want to better himself and is kind of trying, though I suppose not to my standards. 

Also, others have mentioned starting to pack my bags and finding a lawyer etc, but isn't that not giving him a chance? I gave him until September 1, so packing my bags now would show I have no faith and what would be the point of even setting the deadline in the first place?


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Person125 said:


> I feel like maybe you (and others) are making him out to be more manipulative than he really is, like he is intentionally using me. He might be using me, but I really don't think it is from some sinister place. He does want to better himself and is kind of trying, though I suppose not to my standards.
> 
> Also, others have mentioned starting to pack my bags and finding a lawyer etc, but isn't that not giving him a chance? I gave him until September 1, so packing my bags now would show I have no faith and what would be the point of even setting the deadline in the first place?


I make no assertions as to whether his behavior is deliberately manipulative or just a mere by product of a passive personality, and in the end it really doesn't matter. The net effect is what is at issue here and only you can decide whether the net effect is acceptable to you. 

The real relevant point here is that change rarely if ever comes of its own accord. It needs a push, a spark, something to get it going. At this point, he's been unemployed for two plus years, so you've firmly established a precedent. The longer this goes on, the harder it will be to effect positive change. 

I just reread your original post and one thing jumped out at me:



Person125 said:


> I work at a non-profit and we live in the DC area (so yeah, it's really expensive). I have been supporting us mostly, *and even got a second job as a waitress which was just awful.*


So you live in a high cost area and rather than get work himself, he lets you take a second job, and a miserable one at that? 
Egad!!!
Again, whether this is manipulative or just lazy doesn't matter--this is the action of someone who doesn't care for his partner! This doesn't sound like someone to raise children with. You say he's good with kids, but those are kids he has no responsibility for, which requires no real commitment. And you have to think of the example he sets for your children--as well as the example you would set by enabling his behavior and allowing yourself to be abused.

He MUST change for you to have a viable life together. That's exactly why you MUST follow through on your ultimatum no matter how difficult that may be. There are two possibilities:
1. He wakes up and gets his stuff together in which case you _may _be able to work toward a life together 

or

2. He doesn't change, in which case you will know that it would have never worked out anyway. As painful as this outcome may be, you will be far better off knowing this and changing your life accordingly than you would be getting strung along year after year by a passive couch potato who is not interested in sustaining your relationship or a family. 

Either way, you have to force the issue.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Person125 said:


> I feel like maybe you (and others) are making him out to be more manipulative than he really is, like he is intentionally using me. He might be using me, but I really don't think it is from some sinister place. He does want to better himself and is kind of trying, though I suppose not to my standards.
> 
> Also, others have mentioned starting to pack my bags and finding a lawyer etc, but isn't that not giving him a chance? I gave him until September 1, so packing my bags now would show I have no faith and what would be the point of even setting the deadline in the first place?


Your husband is lazy,ineffectual and obese but a really nice guy.He is everyone's friend and a great listener.You must have seemed to him like a gift from the gods.He gives up his career without another job lined up.Spends two years sitting on his fat and getting fatter ass and you think by giving him an ultimatum he is going to change.
You need to tell him if he can't prove to you by Friday of this week that he is applying for jobs,any job then he is out.To hell with any career goals,he needs a job and maybe if he has to clean public restrooms or flip burgers for eight hours a day,teaching won't look so bad.


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## Person125 (Jun 7, 2017)

Thanks Rocky Mountain Yeti. I appreciate your response. While I want to clarify that he is not unemployed, he is underemployed, it's still the same thing. Anyway, part of my anxiety is that what if he does pull through and get a real job, which of course I want him to do, but at the same time, it still leaves me in this ambiguous state. He might get a decent job that he can move up in, but will he make the effort to move up? What if he hates it and quits like he did teaching? What if he loses the job and we are in this position again? I want to give him that chance, and I want our marriage to work, but I am worried I won't ever get out of this relationship ambiguity, this limbo state.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> Your husband is lazy,ineffectual and obese but a really nice guy.He is everyone's friend and a great listener.You must have seemed to him like a gift from the gods.He gives up his career without another job lined up.Spends two years sitting on his fat and getting fatter ass and you think by giving him an ultimatum he is going to change.
> You need to tell him if he can't prove to you by Friday of this week that he is applying for jobs,any job then he is out.To hell with any career goals,he needs a job and maybe if he has to clean public restrooms or flip burgers for eight hours a day,teaching won't look so bad.


Hear, Hear!!!:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Answer the sex question... do you two have a good sex life? Or is this a roommate marriage to help each other make it to the next day? In other words, you don't want to be alone and face the world by yourself. What I'm getting at, you need to look really hard in the mirror and make sure you aren't in a co-dependent sham of a marriage.


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## Person125 (Jun 7, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> Your husband is lazy,ineffectual and obese but a really nice guy.He is everyone's friend and a great listener.You must have seemed to him like a gift from the gods.He gives up his career without another job lined up.Spends two years sitting on his fat and getting fatter ass and you think by giving him an ultimatum he is going to change.
> You need to tell him if he can't prove to you by Friday of this week that he is applying for jobs,any job then he is out.To hell with any career goals,he needs a job and maybe if he has to clean public restrooms or flip burgers for eight hours a day,teaching won't look so bad.


Just FYI he has a job... he works retail, part-time. My concern is getting a better job and would not be happy with him flipping burgers or cleaning public restrooms for also a low wage.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Person125 said:


> Thanks Rocky Mountain Yeti. I appreciate your response. While I want to clarify that he is not unemployed, he is underemployed, it's still the same thing. Anyway, part of my anxiety is that what if he does pull through and get a real job, which of course I want him to do, but at the same time, it still leaves me in this ambiguous state. He might get a decent job that he can move up in, but will he make the effort to move up? What if he hates it and quits like he did teaching? What if he loses the job and we are in this position again? I want to give him that chance, and I want our marriage to work, but I am worried I won't ever get out of this relationship ambiguity, this limbo state.


Thanks for the clarification.

He's underemployed in retail. Easy to understand. What, if anything has he done to improve this? Can he get more hours? That would be a positive step. He should be doing everything he possibly can to contribute, even if it's not in a preferred field.

When I was working min wage, I made myself the most valuable person on the floor, so that the boss would dole out more hours to me. Then, when we lost a manager, the boss came looking to me to fill the management vacancy. I'm guessing he has no desire to make retail a life vocation, but even so, he should be doing everything he can to posture himself for advancement. As a minimum, when he does settle on something more permanent, he will have made a little more along the way and put the family on more solid footing. In addition, by showing some initiative, the willingness to advance his employers goals, and establishing a track record of success, that will put him on much better footing to compete for a position he does want later on. A record of mediocrity will only keep his opportunities limited and eventually close them altogether. 

Pursue every opportunity!!! More hours, more responsibility, more success--you never know what may open a door, but you darn sure know staying on this path will open no doors at all--and the longer it goes on the harder it will get. Whether or not you're enjoying what you're doing is irrelevant--by succeeding in something you don't enjoy, you prove you can be successful in things you may enjoy later. And, oh by the way, very few people truly love their work. There's a reason it's called "work" and not "fun." Using a lack of enjoyment as a justification for failure to perform is a cop out.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Person125 said:


> Just FYI he has a job... he works retail, part-time. My concern is getting a better job and would not be happy with him flipping burgers or cleaning public restrooms for also a low wage.


He works retail part time while you have two jobs.You are backtracking from the ultimatum you gave him and you are now making excuses for him.
Why can he not take any job and support his wife and act like a man.He has no incentive to change because why should he,he has a great life doing a few hours here and there and he doesn't want to do any more.If I couldn't support my wife,pay my way in life and provide a home I would have trouble looking at myself in the mirror.


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## leon2100 (May 13, 2015)

Here's an idea. Have him get his real estate license. I've been a real estate broker for 52 yrs. many say the reason I became a real estate broker was I was to lazy to work and to nervous to steal. Just a thought!!


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## JBTX (May 4, 2017)

It's somewhere in the neighborhood of six weeks until you have a promised to leave him, according to your ultimatum. That is plenty of time for him to figure out another place to live.

Consult a lawyer and find out where you stand financially. File a petition for divorce and have him served. If he doesn't have a whole list of available, professional jobs that he is qualified for by the time you get home on the day he is served, you have your answer. If he calls or text you and ask "what is going on", tell him "you know what to do", because you've already told him. 

It sounds to me like you would love the chance to be with him when he is striving to reach his maximum potential. Unfortunately, you have settled for his behavior. He needs a swift kick in the ass. He needs to have the **** scared out of him. A lot of the times as guys need that. We can get complacent when enabled. But we can kick ourselves into high gear when we know we have to. Don't be cruel. Just be firm and make sure you show him with actions that this is unacceptable for you. 


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Person125 said:


> I feel like maybe you (and others) are making him out to be more manipulative than he really is, like he is intentionally using me. He might be using me, but I really don't think it is from some sinister place. He does want to better himself and is kind of trying, though I suppose not to my standards.


It does not matter if his actions are coming from a sinister place. What matters is that he is letting you work a full time job and a part time job while he works part time.

His actions matter. His actions show that he is willing to not be a partner with you in this marriage.



Person125 said:


> Also, others have mentioned starting to pack my bags and finding a lawyer etc, but isn't that not giving him a chance? I gave him until September 1, so packing my bags now would show I have no faith and what would be the point of even setting the deadline in the first place?


Match his actions with your actions.

It's July 12 and he has not done anything to get a new job. So you match that with you doing something towards your ultimatum.

Just as you need to believe his actions, he will only believe your actions. Words are cheap. 

Why should you have any faith in him right now? He is not showing any action towards finding a job.

Do you plan on staying in this same home if you file for divorce? If not, start packing. You could down load some divorce papers off the internet and leave them a table. For one thing, if you start doing these things, it will help you carry out your ultimatum. AT this point it looks like he plans on pulling your bluff. These sort of things (packing, divorce papers) are non-verbal cues to him that you are dead serious.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here is a thread that might be interesting to you. It's written by a man who wishes that his wife would have acted sooner to get his attention.... Maybe he will get through to you.


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/387026-now-he-wants-change-power-ilybinilwy.html


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## JBTX (May 4, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Here is a thread that might be interesting to you. It's written by a man who wishes that his wife would have acted sooner to get his attention.... Maybe he will get through to you.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I will tell you from a man's point of view… I wish to God that my STBXW had of acted sooner. I would've appreciated if she would've started a crisis and scared the **** out of me before she had made up her mind to walk out. Not saying that she wasn't at fault. She was and we both were. But I would still take a good crisis if it was available. 


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

He won't change. This is who he is. He might try for awhile even get a better job . But even if he does in the long run you won't be happy. 

Still haven't answerer the how the sex life question. 

80 lbs over weight. 

How obout a physical ,get his thyroid and testorostrone checked.

I'm hoping he fails so you can leave and have a chance to find someone more suitable for you.


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

Person125 said:


> 1. Conflict resolution: He is great at saying sorry, never gets angry, always tries to understand my side.
> 2. Very great with my friends and family. Very sociable and funny and outgoing- everyone likes him. Also REALLY great with kids.
> 3. Very kind and supportive. Not jealous, always supporting me to be the best I can be, caretaker when I am feeling down.




Interesting choices. All three have to do with personality. Resolving conflicts, sociability, kindness... I'm married to a former teacher. When she still taught, she exuded all those qualities in great abundance June through September. She still did late September through May, but to a much lesser extent. The difference? Work stress. Obviously. It's much easier for your husband to be nice to people when he has few to no financial burdens on his shoulders. But more importantly, take a closer look at all three qualities that you listed.

1. Conflict Resolution: I'm sorry, but I have to disagree. He's in the middle of one of the biggest conflicts in his adult life right now (regarding the details of this post). The first step to resolving any conflict is recognizing that there is one. Since you've given little indication that he's even done that, I do not see his value as a conflict resolver...

2. Great to you friends and family: Of course he will be kind to your friends and family. Those people are important to you and you are supporting him. It's called survival instinct. If you are patient enough to wait for him to get a career oriented job or finally force him to get a career oriented job, take a much closer look at this one and reevaluate...

3. Very Kind and Supportive of You: Of course he will be kind and supportive (emotionally) towards you. You are important to him and you are financially supporting him. (Again) it's called survival instinct. If you are patient enough to wait for him to get a career oriented job or finally force him to get a career oriented job, take a much closer look at this one and reevaluate...


In addition to the above, there's not even a hint of you enjoying his physical appearance, sex life, his family/family, his interests, or even shared hobbies in your three choices. These are all aspects that round out a healthy relationship. Though you came to us for advice, the answers to your questions are in fact listed in your replies.

One last thought. You may not think you are being manipulated, but the best manipulators are good at what they do. It comes very naturally to them. THEY don't even realize they're doing it a lot of the time - and if they don't see it, you probably won't either...

Best of luck to you.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Satya said:


> So, you're getting ready to leave him on Sept 1, right? There's nothing I or anyone can do to quell your anxiety, unfortunately. Only you can do that. If he hasn't made any effort to look for work, it simply means he doesn't want to and prefers where he is in life. That obviously won't do for you.
> 
> If you back down on your ultimatum, then he won't take anything you say seriously. I realize it's not what you want, but *you're going to lose good childbearing years waiting around for him to get with the program.*


If you want children, and cannot see them in your and your husband's future unless and until BIG changes are made, leave him as soon as you can. You're already in your 30s; how much longer are you going to wait around until he makes the needed changes? I got married at 35 to a man who played the part of being someone who he's not, and I didn't find out until after we were married for a few months. I hesitate to say he lied, because I honestly just think he wanted to be married and out of his Mom's house so badly that he was willing to say and do anything. I'm now 39 and about 5-6 weeks separated from him. I don't know if I can have kids, and very much want a family. I waited too long, and should've nipped this in the bud long ago, when there may have still been hope of having a family. Don't follow in my footsteps. If children mean the world to you, and it would be a dealbreaker to not have them in your life, go find someone who can share that dream.

Also, read this book: "Too Good to Leave; Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirschedbaum. Here's a link to a free copy online:?????: Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

In answer to your question, no, starting divorce and packing now is NOT undermining his efforts.

The deadline is approaching. The BEST way to show him what he will lose is to demonstrate that he has so far given you no reason to believe he will meet the deadline.

Has he asked for more time? Has he apologized for not finding a better job and then gone on to defend himself by showing you hard effort he has made?

If the answer is no then you SHOULD start packing.

That might be the only way to cause him to rethink his efforts and take this seriously


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

He is using you plain and simple. File for the divorce and keep your ultimatum. He is playing on your feelings for him and your kind heart that you won't.

I went through this and posted about it here. His last job was in 2011. 
He isn't a good guy if he lets you shoulder the entire burden of things while he loafs around and playing video games. It's mean and deceptive.


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