# Wife Left While I Was In Hospital



## Clawed (May 21, 2013)

Hi there! 

My wife cheated on me earlier this year, and when I admitted myself to the hospital for suicidal thoughts (because of what happened), she moved out during the three days I was there.

I am still living there, but our bills will be coming due very soon. Does anyone know if she is still responsible for half? I will probably seek legal counsel soon, but if anyone knew, in general, what happens in these types of cases I would be VERY appreciative.

Thank you!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Don't know about Arizona specifically, but if she's signed a lease and her name is on the bills, she's likely as liable for them as you are.

C


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Yes, she is legally responsible and you can be compensated in the divorce process if you have to pay the bills in full on your own (if she refuses to pay them).

Can you share your hospital experience?

What was your wife's reaction to you checking yourself in?


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

So sorry to hear how hard this has hit you. She was very callous to move out when you were in the hospital.


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## Clawed (May 21, 2013)

Thank you guys for the input. I thought she might be responsible for half of the incurred expenses. After all, her name is on everything as well. I have a legal consultation tomorrow so I'll be sure to bring that up and update here.

*Staystrong *- As far as the hospital visit is concerned, I arrived and called my wife and her parents (all very close to me), left a message about needing clothes and some personal effects but NO ONE took my call, everyone in her family immediately shut me out - and this was before finding out she moved out, she called me a FULL 2 days later to tell me. Even though she left during this time, it was the best decision I ever made. Like I said, I was suicidal and I started on meds that are working for me. I did not think I would make it through, and I was okay, even though the problem was compounded by her calling and being ice-cold to me. She said only 3 days prior that she wanted to make things work and that she would love me forever... I was only in the hospital for 3 days and I went to every thereapy session offered, it was good for me.

I've been out seven weeks now, and it's still hard - unrequited love is pretty tough to go through with someone you have known for 15 years and have been married to for 9 (and I'm 32). All I can do is take care of myself now. I put so much into our marriage that I neglected my own needs and wants. I gave her everything I could give and it wasn't enough. I take ownership of my failings in the marriage but she places the blame squarely on me, even though she is one who cheated, took my son out of his school 5 weeks before the end of the year and left me while I was seeking help for a condition she helped create. I thought we had a pretty damn good marriage... communication is key people. I hope no one ever has to know this pain.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

She is responsible for her half of the bills, at least until the lease runs out.

You sound like a good little co-dependent.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

What was the major cause of the severe depression... have you been depressed all your life. I was and wasn't diagnosed until I was your age.

Have you ever been on anti-depression meds before but stopped.

Were you violent or told her you would kill yourself if she left?

Sorry to dig in but is there more history you can tell us? Is this your first time in the hospital for this issue?


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## Clawed (May 21, 2013)

Correction *Tron*, I _was_ a good little co-dependant :smthumbup:

*Dad *- To give you a bit of history, yes I have been depressed for quite a few years, but that was my first trip to the mental health facility. I never dealt with the depression and was never diagnosed. I tried getting on anti-depressants through my general practitionaer but they all gave me severe insomnia so I gave up after the fourth or fifth drug I tried. 

After I found out about the cheating, I handled it pretty well at first, as good as one can. After a few weeks had passed, and we had started going to marriage counseling, she eventually told me she still had feelings for him, and that's when I spiraled out of control. I was not violent to her (and I have NEVER been in our entire 9 year marriage) - instead I was violent toward myself, and did say I would kill myself if we did not make it. I honestly thought I wouldn't make it... which is why I sought help before it was too late. Turns out I'm okay and while I was in the hospital, they finally got me on a good medication. Better late than never. If only my marriage did not pay the ultimate price...


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Clawed said:


> Correction *Tron*, I _was_ a good little co-dependant :smthumbup:


I like it...that happened in record time. You are going to go down as the fastest success story in the history of TAM.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It sounds like the women brought out the worst in you...so please keep that in mind when she comes crawling back.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

I will say you probably scared her.. and she didn't want to be there if you did do it so she left.

Did she end up moving in or stay seeing the OM?

Maybe if she sees your progress there might be a chance at reconciliation.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

I would recommend:

Surviving An Affair - What Are Plan A and Plan B? 180 for Betrayed Spouses


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Telling someone you'll kill yourself if you don't make it is highly manipulative and controlling, even if you don't mean it to be. Clearly this marriage isn't good for either one of you, at least in present form. Let her go, focus on your health and well being, and see what the future brings. perhaps you can have a healthy new start with her but if not you will be well for anther special lady.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Clawed (May 21, 2013)

*Life and Dad* - You are both certainly right. I was far from healthy emotionally. I was not trying to be controlling, but clearly I was. I was being truthful, and I am sure it scared the crap out of her. This only happened after the cheating. Until then, I thought I was in a great marriage. I have so many good memories and that is saying a lot having dealt with depression at the same time. When I was with her, I was happy, I just wasn't happy with the world.

She said she needed her space when she moved into her parents during my 3 day hospital stay and I respected that, she also has denied seeing the other guy. She said she wanted to see my progress... the thing is, I started doing things to get myself better, whether or not she was part of the future picture. She has moved on and so have I in these past 7 weeks. There is no question that I still love her, but I am focused on my own healing and, all things considered, I have never been better. Obviously, I would be lying if I said there was no heartache, because I would try and work things out if given the chance. We are very cordial and are working to figure out where we go from here with our house and working out a joint custody plan for our son. The fact is, we are both much better parents separated than we ever were together.

Thanks for the recommendation *doureallycare2*, when we were in counseling, we were recommended a book. I am not a reader and my wife is. I read that sucker in just a few days and my wife never finished. I think that says a lot. Anyway, I will take a look at it for sure. I feel like I've healed from the pain of the affair. I've forgiven her.


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## talin (Apr 25, 2012)

Clawed said:


> She said she needed her space when she moved into her parents during my 3 day hospital stay and I respected that, she also has denied seeing the other guy. She said she wanted to see my progress... the thing is, I started doing things to get myself better


You need to shift the balance. 

She "wants to see progress"?

She's the one who needs to be begging for forgiveness not the other way around.

I know you're in a weak mental state and you can barely deal with the day to day let alone taking a stand and filing for divorce but that is your best course of action given the circumstances- she cheated and she blames you for it and expects you to somehow win her back. 

You can't win this one, not on those terms.

Take your meds, spiral back on up out of the hole you're currently in, and work your way forward to the next phase of your life. Most of us have been there, done that and come out in a better place after the fact.


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## Clawed (May 21, 2013)

I think that is what was so hard for me at first. I took the first step to getting myself the help I needed, but when I needed her support most, she bolted. Can I understand where she is coming from with that - definitely. I was not okay.

However, she was holding onto feelings for this other person, and it upset her that she did not receive "closure" in that relationship (he eventually shut her out completely). Those are her words, and she was telling me this from the moment I found out, which is why I couldn't handle it. From then on, she's changed. She is not even the same person I remember at all. I've likened it to my wife having died. It's exactly what it feels like. It has not been a terrible thing though - though for the marriage's sake it is. On the other hand, it makes this whole process much easier to deal with. I love her, but hate the way she continues to treat me. I can't have that in my life right now as I recover. She is actually the biggest threat to my recovery, so I have been staying away from her.


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## talin (Apr 25, 2012)

Clawed said:


> She is actually the biggest threat to my recovery


True.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Who did she cheat with ? Is he married ?


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## Clawed (May 21, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> Who did she cheat with ? Is he married ?


She cheated with a co-worker (of sorts) who is indeed also married.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you told his wife and hr?


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## Clawed (May 21, 2013)

Wow, it's crazy to look back on this and realize that I head a pretty good head on my shoulders for all that I went through. In fact, I have had a harder time since then. I think the fact that as the divorce became more of a certainty, I was hit with all of the pain again. I wish I would have taken the advice from Talin about filing for divorce first though. At that time, I did not want to be responsible for the dissoultion of our marriage. However, if I thought about it more, I would have seen that even if I filed, SHE was the one who ultimately decided our fate when she cheated.

So happy I am almost done with this! If we did not have a kid, she would not see or hear from me ever again. I have never been more over her. She does not deserve someone who takes their marriage vows seriously. Now, I wait to see the inevitable crash and burn... it's going to happen to her at some point.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

It's good to hear you're doing better.

While I'm still only partway through this whole process myself, I've had the experience that there are a lot of ups and downs; good days and bad days.

*hugs*


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## Clawed (May 21, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> It's good to hear you're doing better.
> 
> While I'm still only partway through this whole process myself, I've had the experience that there are a lot of ups and downs; good days and bad days.
> 
> *hugs*


Absolutely, it's an insane roller-coaster ride. You know, you always hear that divorce is absolutely the most terrible thing to go through, but when I would hear about someone else going through it I would pass it off as "that can't be fun, but they probably could have made it work if they put forth some effort." And the easiest way to think - "No way that would ever happen to me!"

I thought I was immune... and I was, to a point. I can control my own feelings and make things work from my end - however, if your partner does not feel the same, you are screwed.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Clawed said:


> Absolutely, it's an insane roller-coaster ride. You know, you always hear that divorce is absolutely the most terrible thing to go through, but when I would hear about someone else going through it I would pass it off as "*that can't be fun, but they probably could have made it work if they put forth some effort*." And the easiest way to think - "No way that would ever happen to me!"
> 
> I thought I was immune... and I was, to a point. I can control my own feelings and make things work from my end - however, if your partner does not feel the same, you are screwed.


The funny thing is, I keep saying that to myself! I know we could make it work if we just put forth some effort. Our problems aren't huge; they're relatively minor compared to some of the stuff I see on the boards here, and I know with a little focus and work on ourselves, we could fix our problems. But my STBX doesn't want to bother; he's decided to take the coward's route and just go ahead and divorce.

(The other funny thing is, I know him, and he'll never file. I'll have to do it if I want to get this over with.)


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## Clawed (May 21, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> The funny thing is, I keep saying that to myself! I know we could make it work if we just put forth some effort. Our problems aren't huge; they're relatively minor compared to some of the stuff I see on the boards here, and I know with a little focus and work on ourselves, we could fix our problems. But my STBX doesn't want to bother; he's decided to take the coward's route and just go ahead and divorce.
> 
> (The other funny thing is, I know him, and he'll never file. I'll have to do it if I want to get this over with.)


I was of the latter group thinking my marriage was totally immune. I thought I was in a good marriage. I love my wife unconditionally and we were always best friends. After she cheated, I confronted the other man, and he said he thought our marriage was broken (according to what SHE had said to him). That was a terrible way to find out. My wife never communicated ANY of this to me. I had no way of knowing how she felt, there was absolutely no communication of it. I would have done anything to save our marriage had I known she was that unhappy. But, by the time I found all of that out, it was too late. Of course, if she really was that unhappy, I would have known - no one is _that_ good at faking it. It is clearly a history rewrite, she had to justify an affair somehow.

It just does not seem fair for her to just check out without even giving me a chance. My life was suddenly ripped away from me, and how I feel is totally irrelevant. How can I ever trust someone again after something like that? It's utterly devastating to go from feeling like you have everything you want in life to having your wife take your child and move out and me having to sell our home (that I planned to retire in), that I could no longer afford...

*FeministInPink*: I read some of your story on another thread about how you had the initial conversation about it but did not read much past that (yet). So, HE ended up wanting to just D instead of going to counseling and trying to make it work? No one has filed yet?


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Clawed said:


> *FeministInPink*: I read some of your story on another thread about how you had the initial conversation about it but did not read much past that (yet). So, HE ended up wanting to just D instead of going to counseling and trying to make it work? No one has filed yet?


Clawed, I haven't posted any real updates since we separated because there hasn't been much to update. I've reached out to some specific people on the boards for advice, but as things have become more clear for me, I haven't felt the need to post updates. (Maybe I should, though?)

So, not meaning to hijack your thread, and only because you asked...

The long and short of it is that my STBX, as the adult child of a dysfunctional marriage between an abusive alcoholic and his enabling wife, has major co-dependency issues. (People throw that word around here a lot, which bothers me, because I think it minimizes the severe, crippling emotional deficiencies suffered by people who really are co-dependent.) His (co-dependent) behavior/issues eroded the foundation of our relationship and burned down everything else, and at this point I can't even say for sure which parts of our relationship were real and which parts weren't. 

After almost 6 mos. apart with virtually no contact, we began talking again, and I saw a clear (positive) change in him. At that point, I asked him to consider a reconciliation, because I thought I was seeing demonstrative proof that he could grow and change. Initially, it seemed like he was on board (he was considering it); but ultimately he decided he wasn't capable of change and he wasn't capable of being a better man, and that he didn't think he could love me the way I deserved. So instead of being a MAN and a HUSBAND and working on our marriage, he decided to take the easy way out and say no. The guy I THOUGHT I MARRIED told me a year ago that he would do whatever it took to save our marriage; I understand now that was the co-dependency talking. This whole exchange pretty much sealed the deal for me right there; his decision proved to me that he's never going to change, at least not in any meaningful way, and any change I've witnessed is most likely temporary. And I deserve better than that.

All of this has been pretty recent, so no, neither of us has filed yet. I initially told him that I wasn't going to file because I never wanted a divorce; if he wanted a divorce, he was was going to have to file. But screw that. I'm filing at the end of October. (We're doing it without lawyers, and the I'm attending the pro se clinic in October to get all the paperwork together. I would just do it right away, but I missed the August clinic and I can't attend the September clinic.) The fact of the matter is, if I don't do it, he will NEVER file. And I'm ready to be free of this albatross and move on with my life.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Clawed said:


> Of course, if she really was that unhappy, I would have known - no one is _that_ good at faking it.


Some people are AMAZINGLY GOOD at faking it. My STBX is a prime example - he learned from his mother.


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

Hi,
I am so sorry 

I think the part about bills etc depends on the state you are living in, her job and your job.
But if both of you are working then honestly it's probably 50/50 split.

I would contact the hospital, explain the situation and make minimum payments. Then once you get to the divorce you can have that written into the decree.

Focus on your recovery from depression right now. You won't be able to fully focus and make the best decisions unless you are mentally able to focus.

I know that is easy to say. I sometimes have to take a Xanax because of the panic attacks. But eventually know this will get better.


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

Feminist in Pink- I had the same issues, but mine also involved him being a semi alcoholic and angry... violent even.

I have been so scared to file. But I know I need to ASAP.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

bunny23 said:


> Feminist in Pink- I had the same issues, but mine also involved him being a semi alcoholic and angry... violent even.
> 
> I have been so scared to file. But I know I need to ASAP.


Oh, I'm pretty sure my STBX is an alcoholic, too. A functioning one who's in denial of the problem, but an alcoholic nonetheless. (He justifies it because he works as a bar manager, and he's "expected" to drink while on the job. He "can't refuse" when a patron offers to buy him a drink, for fear of offending the patron. Co-dependency rears its ugly head once again.)

Don't be scared; you are strong enough to do this. (Unless you mean you're scared of his violent temper. If that's the case, be cautious.)


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

Not to hijack this thread- but yes I am scared of what he will do when I file.

He thinks he deserves everything and I don't deserve to eat even (I've lost 30 lbs in 6 months, and I wasn't the last bit overweight)


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## Clawed (May 21, 2013)

Wow, thank you for sharing that update. I am sorry to hear that things are headed that way, but just hearing you talk about it makes me think that it's definitely something that needs to be done at this point. I believe that sincere, long-lasting change is possible, but you have to really want it. 

It's interesting that he decided against change - stating that he thought HE couldn't cut it. I am surprised he (thinks he) took ownership of it... of course, the reality is that he is doing just the opposite. He does not want to put forth the long term effort to make the marriage work. It's too bad. My wife is doing the same. To quote her in a recent exchange "I don't believe the marriage should be fixed." She is not willing to try at all. She is content throwing in the towel on a 9.5 year marriage in which we have a kid. I would have thought she would at least tell me something was wrong so we could attempt to repair what was broken, instead of just filing. In actuality she has not filed yet, but it's because she wants desperately to stay out of court - she expected I would just go and sign the paperwork she had prepared in which she stated that there was (minor) domestic violence which had occurred, but she still felt split custody was appropriate. She knows I won't sign my name to something that is not true, so I think she is now in the process of having me served. I expect it any day now...

Thank you for the sympathy *bunny23*. Just so you know, I am doing fantastic with my recovery. I am much more positive, upbeat and I love myself more than I ever have - all things I had major issues with in the past. If I was in the same place I was still, I would not be here today. I just need to take this all one day at a time. I still have quite a bit of love for my wife, even though she has treated me like garbage. That does not mean I am co-dependant though. I just believe very much in the marriage commitment that I made to her. I will honor my vows no matter what she now feels about me and our marriage.

I am sorry you feel afraid of what will happen when you file. I don't know where you are in the process, but if you have acquired an attorney make sure he knows you are scared for your safety. Do you have any kids, and are you in a safe living situation right now?


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

bunny23 said:


> Not to hijack this thread- but yes I am scared of what he will do when I file.
> 
> He thinks he deserves everything and I don't deserve to eat even (I've lost 30 lbs in 6 months, and I wasn't the last bit overweight)


Like Clawed said, lawyer up and make sure the lawyer understands your concerns. The lawyer can advise you of the best way to proceed, that's in the best interest of your safety.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Clawed said:


> Wow, thank you for sharing that update. I am sorry to hear that things are headed that way, but just hearing you talk about it makes me think that it's definitely something that needs to be done at this point. I believe that sincere, long-lasting change is possible, but you have to really want it.
> 
> It's interesting that he decided against change - stating that he thought HE couldn't cut it. I am surprised he (thinks he) took ownership of it... of course, the reality is that he is doing just the opposite. He does not want to put forth the long term effort to make the marriage work. It's too bad.


Ding ding ding! You hit the nail on the head, my friend.

I'm sorry to hear about your wife being so weird (and sorry for not having a better word), but it sounds to me like there's something fishy going on with her, like there's something that she's trying to hide. Like, 1) Why is she so desperate to keep it out of court? and 2) Why is she trying to cast suspicion on you by making false claims of domestic abuse? You said in an earlier post that she's changed completely, that it's as if the woman you married has completely disappeared. It just all sounds a little suspicious to me


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## Clawed (May 21, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> Ding ding ding! You hit the nail on the head, my friend.
> 
> I'm sorry to hear about your wife being so weird (and sorry for not having a better word), but it sounds to me like there's something fishy going on with her, like there's something that she's trying to hide. Like, 1) Why is she so desperate to keep it out of court? and 2) Why is she trying to cast suspicion on you by making false claims of domestic abuse? You said in an earlier post that she's changed completely, that it's as if the woman you married has completely disappeared. It just all sounds a little suspicious to me


haha, well, you wouldn't be the only one to feel this way. It's truly a bizarre situation.

I had another thread going in the "Coping With Infidelity" section of TAM. Everyone there, including every single individual in my family and my friends, thinks she is still seeing the OM - though she claims she is not. The fact is, during the three days before she left, we were planning our long term finances, planning our second honeymoon vacation to Hawaii for January and she assured me over and over that she was in love with me and we were going to be okay. This was two months after I learned about the affair. I knew it was a big problem though, when she said she still had feelings and she was having a really hard time because she never got "closure" with the relationship with the OM. How did she expect me to react? She knew how badly I was hurting from all of that. For a while, I truly believed she was sorry. Looking at it now, I think she was sorry that she got caught.

Since then, she puts the marriage failing squarely on my shoulders. It hurts even more that she has convinced her family and a couple of our mutual friends of the same thing. After the affair, she kept on bringing up things from our past that should have been left in the past. Things we had already worked through and forgiven each other for. These were supposedly the reasons she cheated, but there simply is no excuse good enough. 

She has no choice but to blame me. I love my wife, but there are a few things to know about her - she is very stubborn, judgemental and self-righteous. Not a good combination of traits when you are on the receiving end of her wrath. She never accepts responsibility. Meanwhile, I found myself apologizing for things I was supposedly forgiven for - she shifted the blame to me, and it worked. I should have taken action to drop her before she did that. 

My guess as to why she wants to stay out of court, is that she knows she has something to hide. I'm also pretty sure she does not want the affair to come out again, in addition to her abandoning me and our home while I was in the hospital and taking our son out of school right before the end of the school year. She just wants this whole thing wrapped up in a nice little package and to ignore all of the damage that has been done, and that includes the damage she has done to our son.

I think the one thing I need to constantly remember is that I can only control my actions and thoughts. What she does and how she feels is out of my hands now. She knows how I feel... if the marriage is over, she can blame me all she wants, but it will ultimately be her choice. It will be because she did not love me enough to put in some effort. It will be because she had too much pride to apologize and work toward reparation.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Oh, that all makes sense now. Sorry, I hadn't read your other thread.


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

Clawed- I have a place (temp) and he closed all accounts so I am trying to figure out some type of help.I think I have to file through a women's center.

When you were diagnosed with depression, did they think it was situational (meaning based on stress from the marriage) or major depression?

Are you going to counselling by yourself?


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## Clawed (May 21, 2013)

bunny23 said:


> Clawed- I have a place (temp) and he closed all accounts so I am trying to figure out some type of help.I think I have to file through a women's center.
> 
> When you were diagnosed with depression, did they think it was situational (meaning based on stress from the marriage) or major depression?
> 
> Are you going to counselling by yourself?


In April, when I admitted myself, they finally diagnosed me as having major depressive disorder. The whole reason I was there though, was because of the emotional devastation I suffered because of my wife's affair.

After I was released, I started going to individual counseling by myself and also have a psychiatrist who has been great at finding the right medication for me (since I have had very bad results with others in the past). I feel great now, I stopped my IC when I realized I was doing ALL the talking and my therapist was not giving me much feedback at all. Instead, I started to get involved at church and have a group there.

So yes, I would suggest seeking whatever help you can. I wish I knew where to direct you, but like I said, secure an attorney and make sure they know about your STBX violent tendencies. Did he drain your accounts and keep all of the money?


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> The funny thing is, I keep saying that to myself! I know we could make it work if we just put forth some effort. Our problems aren't huge; they're relatively minor compared to some of the stuff I see on the boards here, and I know with a little focus and work on ourselves, we could fix our problems. But my STBX doesn't want to bother; he's decided to take the coward's route and just go ahead and divorce.
> 
> (The other funny thing is, I know him, and he'll never file. I'll have to do it if I want to get this over with.)


But, it's all about degrees. Someone in a relationship with infidelity could stay and work on it, while someone who built up resentment over trivial stuff would walk.

Both have to put in the effort, but if someone wants to walk, there's no stopping them. When the walker is leaving over small matters that could be corrected, that says a lot about that person as a partner and their ability to be part of a healthy relationship.


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> Some people are AMAZINGLY GOOD at faking it. My STBX is a prime example - he learned from his mother.


My stbxw too. A facade that convinced everyone around us until she left. Don't be too sure it was all history rewriting. That's a big part, but faking happiness is in there too.


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

Clawed said:


> Looking at it now, I think she was sorry that she got caught.


Yep.



Clawed said:


> she is very stubborn, judgemental and self-righteous. Not a good combination of traits when you are on the receiving end of her wrath. She never accepts responsibility. Meanwhile, I found myself apologizing for things I was supposedly forgiven for - she shifted the blame to me, and it worked.


Sounds like my stbxw and several other xWs on TAM; same patch of crazyville.


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## whowouldhavethought (Jun 15, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> Clawed, I haven't posted any real updates since we separated because there hasn't been much to update. I've reached out to some specific people on the boards for advice, but as things have become more clear for me, I haven't felt the need to post updates. (Maybe I should, though?)
> 
> So, not meaning to hijack your thread, and only because you asked...
> 
> ...


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

angstire said:


> Both have to put in the effort, but if someone wants to walk, there's no stopping them. When the walker is leaving over small matters that could be corrected, that says a lot about that person as a partner and their ability to be part of a healthy relationship.


Exactly. If he could have found the courage to say, "Yes, let's work on this, I'm ready to put in the effort," that in and of itself would have been a clear sign that he's growing and taking some ownership of his life, and that he's ready to make some positive change. But the fact that he couldn't do even that was (devastating) proof that he can't, or is not willing to - and that is not a person I want to be with, because I want a healthy, adult relationship.



angstire said:


> My stbxw too. A facade that convinced everyone around us until she left. Don't be too sure it was all history rewriting. That's a big part, but faking happiness is in there too.


Good point. I agree, it's a combination, but I think the distribution depends on the person. He has a significant track record in history rewriting, along with making massively incorrect assumptions, and so I think the weight falls on the side of history rewriting. For my STBXH, most of his "faking it" was done for the benefit of others outside our relationship. It was pretty obvious to me for the last year or so before our separation that he was pretty unhappy, even if he wasn't admitting it to anyone. He just kept hoping if he ignored the problems, they would go away.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Clawed said:


> After I was released, I started going to individual counseling by myself and also have a psychiatrist who has been great at finding the right medication for me (since I have had very bad results with others in the past). I feel great now, I stopped my IC when I realized I was doing ALL the talking and my therapist was not giving me much feedback at all. Instead, I started to get involved at church and have a group there.


You might want to consider trying a different therapist - it sounds like this one may not have been a good fit for you, individually.

At the very least, I'm glad to know that you're building your support network and finding support elsewhere.


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## Clawed (May 21, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> You might want to consider trying a different therapist - it sounds like this one may not have been a good fit for you, individually.
> 
> At the very least, I'm glad to know that you're building your support network and finding support elsewhere.


It's possible that if things start to go downhill again that I will. I now feel comfortable admitting when I need help and attaining it.

However, right now, I feel like I have so much support. I still see my psychiatrist every so often to check in, my small group at church has been very supportive of me, I frequently chat with my mom who has gone through almost this exact situation (from the affair persons side - my wife's), and I have an amazing roommate as well now. That's not even to mention the awesome people here - you guys are the best!

What I would like to do now is try to make my own set of new friends and possibly chat up some women, with the goal of making some close friends. I believe that the one thing I am holding onto is a pretty terrible self-image. I may have already mentioned that my wife is gorgeous and I always felt a little inadequate so my self esteem sucks. I always made my wife feel beautiful, I did everything I could to, but she never really reciprocated that. And that coupled with the affair, well, now it's at an all time low. Meanwhile, she can pretty much have any guy she wants. Right now, that's easily the hardest thing for me... going to the gym helps, but I hate being the short, slender guy in a place full of, well, those that aren't.


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