# Extreme fear of vulnerability - how to relate?



## Capital P (Jun 17, 2010)

Hi all,

I've been married for 3 1/2 years, think my wife is gorgeous, and have a 6-month old daughter who is the light of my life.

I've also been hopelessly frustrated for virtually our entire marriage by her stubborn, impervious, absolute determination to remain totally invulnerable in every situation.

The trouble for her is that she has a maaaassssive complex about always being to blame (from childhood issues of her mother leaving her and a ferociously insecure step-mother moving in), so will always assume that I am out to blame her for everything, and therefore she has to 'fight back' to defend herself. 

The trouble for me is, that means that all of her natural imperfections and insecurities have to be put on to me. It's the classic twist-what-I-say-to-make-sure-that-I'm-the-bad-guy-ad-she's-the-righteous-one scenario. But most (and I do emphasise "most", not "all") of the time what I say has nothing at all to do with fault or blame, but is rather a simple expression of how I am feeling or what I am thinking at that time. 

There is virtually never any room to resolve any issues, because she is so focussed on simply making sure that she's not to blame. That's where the word-twisting happens - I can use one word instead of another (e.g. I'll say the word "angry" instead of "frustrated") as an honest mistake and she's onto it in a flash, throwing it back in my face as if I'm some heinous criminal and stopping the discussion right there.

Of course I do my fair share of things that make our relationship not what it should or could be, but I'm simply after any advice as to (a) how to practically deal with this sort of relational technique; and (b) how to deal with the internal frustration, anger and depression that I'm going through because of it.

Thanks heaps guys, looking forward to the responses.


----------



## elhi13 (Apr 28, 2010)

P: All I can say is that perhaps your wife needs to talk to a therapist about her childhood issues that have extended into her adulthood. You can not walk around the rest of your marriage on eggshells..I have tried that...and you can only do it for so long before it takes a toll on you. You have a beautiful baby that will start picking up on these feelings and the caution she feels. Your wife will need to deal with her feelings and issues so that it does not repeat itself for your baby. Good luck...I hope I wasn't just rambling along...


----------

