# Long Distance Snooping



## The Traveler (Nov 28, 2012)

I've posted here before regarding my fiancée's "ONS" with a co-worker that took place 4 years ago, which she told me after she moved out about a year ago. We have been trying R since then. however, I took a job abroad for financial reasons, and now we have been living apart for the past 9 months or so.

We have agreed on full transparency. The transparency also includes that if I have accessed her accounts, that I am to inform her that I've checked and why I felt the need to soon afterwards. I have her passwords to her email and facebook, and can get them if they've changed.

I need a few days to have a good search through her accounts to put my mind at ease, or find any signs that she is up to no good._ *Now here's the problem: gmail and facebook send notifications when they've been accessed AND they inform you when and where you logged in. *_ Does anybody know how to stop gmail and facebook from sending notifications and saving log in history? 

Thanks in advance.


EDIT: This is a problem because her being notified is a big disadvantage to me, and a big opportunity for her to double check that she's cleared her tracks.

EDIT: The country I am working in has strict visa and marriage laws, we are planning to be married within a couple of months after the paperwork is approved. Once married, she'll be moving here. I hope that clears up the ambiguity of the future.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

If you agreed to full transparency why is it a problem?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The Traveler (Nov 28, 2012)

Because I want to be able to take a few days to sieve through her accounts without her being informed in real time. If she is hiding something, and she sees that I'm checking daily, then she will do her best to remove any evidence. After I am satisfied, I will disclose that I've checked, thereby keeping my end of the agreement.

Basically her being notified is a big disadvantage to me, and a big opportunity for her to double check that she's cleared her tracks.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your unmarried.
You live in different countries.
Is this really how you want to live?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

The Traveler said:


> The transparency also includes that if I have accessed her accounts, that I am to inform her that I've checked and why I felt the need to soon afterwards.


Friend; I know it's hind sight, but it should have already been established that you will be checking randomly - and that she doesn't need to know when. She already knows why.

I'd try opening that up for discussion again.

But if through this present agreement, you can go backdoor on her; then I say good strategy.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

The Traveler said:


> I've posted here before regarding my fiancée's "ONS" with a co-worker that took place 4 years ago, which she told me after she moved out about a year ago. We have been trying R since then. however, I took a job abroad for financial reasons, and now we have been living apart for the past 9 months or so.
> 
> We have agreed on full transparency. The transparency also includes that if I have accessed her accounts, that I am to inform her that I've checked and why I felt the need to soon afterwards. I have her passwords to her email and facebook, and can get them if they've changed.
> 
> ...


Her ONS is the "reason you need" to access her accounts. What other reason would there be?

My Facebook is not set up to notify me when I login from another device or location. Why not just change those settings? I'm not sure about Google/Gmail. Do you two see each other periodically whole she has her computer in tow? If so, I would install a key logger and this is just me speaking, I wouldn't tell her about it either. Why do YOU have to be transparent about when you check her accounts? What's the reason for that? Seems to me she gave up the right to privacy when she chose the ONS over your relationship.

I have a key logger on my WS's laptop, of which he had no idea. I'm transparent about my day to day activities like I always have been for 20+ years. I'm not transparent about snooping. In the beginning of 'R' I don't think transparency would have worked as it pertained to my snooping. I wanted to know if he had secret email accounts, etc. He didn't, and doesn't as far as I know, but the only reason I know that for sure is the key logger. I only check the reports about once a week at this point.

Perhaps there are settings in her Gmail you could change? No judgment, just confused about this...why at all would you have to explain your snooping actions to her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

*WHERE she has her computer in tow, not whole.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I don't think that's full transparency, to me full transparency is I can check at any time and not have to tell you I did it. She should be expecting it. Also, she can open another account. Honesty she's giving you too much trouble and heart break and she's not even your wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

Also, I didn't notice you said GF and not wife. Look up laws in your area pertaining to monitoring and personal property beforehand if you decide to install a key logger. The unmarried part, therefore the computer would not be marital property, seems it could be a sticky wicket. I'm no lawyer so I don't know. Accessing someone else's accounts could be trouble too. 

If WS and I weren't married I wouldn't have stayed to 'R' and monitor. Something to consider.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The Traveler (Nov 28, 2012)

I appreciate your concern. She should be moving over here within a couple of months assuming we go ahead with the marriage. So we won't be living apart. I postponed our marriage so that we could deal with the impact of her infidelity, and we have met up every 3 months since I left for 2-3 weeks at a time. 

As you might have been able to piece together from this reply, I'm trying to reassure myself before going ahead with the marriage. This may entice some to object to even considering marriage if I'm feeling the need to check on her, but I'm in a complex situation and dealing with it the best as I know. I'm hoping at least some of you will be able to give some answers to my question.


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## The Traveler (Nov 28, 2012)

Thank you for the replies so far. 

Like most have you have mentioned so far, I really should have said that I will be checking randomly without notifying her. Mistake on my part, and I think I might open that up for discussion again next time we are face to face since this is a sensitive issue. The problem is, the next time I see her is likely to be when we sign the papers.

For now though, I just need to get in and put my self at ease. She doesnt bring her laptop with her when we meet up so installing anything is out of the question (plus the legal issues attached to that).


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

You realize she could just open up a new secret email account and have a new facebook page right? If she wants to cheat she's going to cheat and all the snooping in the world won't stop it.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Traveler, I read your other thread again and it seems she just gave you the tip of the iceberg did you find out about other guys? She must have had one to just up and leave the way she did and kept secret the clubbing and gnos. Please think long and hard before marrying her just my opinion bro.


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## The Traveler (Nov 28, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> You realize she could just open up a new secret email account and have a new facebook page right? If she wants to cheat she's going to cheat and all the snooping in the world won't stop it.


I've thought of that, but the best place to start is her known accounts. She may have unknowingly linked her accounts, or her unknown accounts may be "recommended" as friends or people she may know through automated emails and notifications. 

My goal is not to stop her from cheating by snooping, the goal is to be informed so that I can make a good decision.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

She's already shown you she's a cheater. How much more informed do you need to be?


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## The Traveler (Nov 28, 2012)

tom67 said:


> Traveler, I read your other thread again and it seems she just gave you the tip of the iceberg did you find out about other guys? She must have had one to just up and leave the way she did and kept secret the clubbing and gnos. Please think long and hard before marrying her just my opinion bro.


I honestly do not believe that there was another guy in the picture when she suddenly left. We spent most of our time together thought the 3.5 years. She went clubbing without my knowledge while she was visiting her parents for a month at a time each summer, and 1 time in the spring (we were in university back then). There was no way she was seeing another guy or having an affair during the time we were living together. She was never secretive about her phone, didn't spend much time on her phone, we were together every single night we were at our apartment (other than 2 or 3 occasions with her classmates--that I met). 

I think the lying got to her... but I still somehow feel that she isn't telling me everything about what happened 3.5 years ago, and what happened on her nights out when she was visiting home. I'm also feeling unusually suspicious about whats going on where she is. I dont see her on a daily basis and she could be up to anything.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Good luck man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Stop having those feelings and find someone faithful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Willowfin (Jan 2, 2012)

Why, why, why would you want to enter into a life long commitment with someone who already has you living like this? What's the big rush with getting married - seriously do you really want to spend the rest of your life looking through her stuff? 
Re-read your own post again and take a moment to think - when something starts off bad - it usually doesn't get any better. :scratchhead:


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Believe me, trust is something that is hard to get back once it is betrayed. She has already done this to you, is making unreasonable demands of you (who is she to decide that you need to answer for your checking of her accounts. If she is doing nothing wrong then it shouldn't even need to be an issue of you checking. If she requires this, then she is either trying to hide something or doesn't trust you, either of which are not good at this point.) Unless you are marrying for money (and I wouldn't suggest it), then you are not in a position for and ready to be married. You have too many trust issues and these won't just magically go away because you put a ring on her finger and recited some vows.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Traveler read 2 books-married mans sex life- no more mr. nice guy- you will find these eye opening jmo.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

RUN!!! Do not marry this liar! To avoid a little pain now, you are setting yourself up for a lot of pain in the future.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

mablenc said:


> I don't think that's full transparency, to me full transparency is I can check at any time and not have to tell you I did it. She should be expecting it. Also, she can open another account. Honesty she's giving you too much trouble and heart break and she's not even your wife.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

You sir, are in a fog. Why would you marry someone like this? 

It's hard enough dealing with this when someone cheats after you've invested 15, 20, 30 years of marriage, but when someone you haven't married yet has cheated, and you are constantly suspicious, and she demands to know when you check on her, what's the friggin' point??


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Please listen to the wonderful advice you are being given. 

Not only that, but listen to your fiance. She is showing you who she really is with all of these actions. She isn't going to change and will cheat on you in the future again if she isn't already.

Are there any benefits for her to marry you? Is she looking for a visa or other legal paperwork from your country? Take that into consideration, she could just be using you for that.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Please listen to the advice you are being given by the folks here who really do know better! This is a train wreck waiting to happen. She is untrustworthy at the very least and probably a lot more deceitful than you realise. You must have some very serious reasons for even thinking of getting married to her or even having any kind of long term, serious relationship with her. I do not know what these reasons are but I suspect that you are not looking at this objectively enough. The facts are in front of you right now. Do not ignore them.


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## Julien (Mar 25, 2013)

The Traveler said:


> The transparency also includes that if I have accessed her accounts, that I am to inform her that I've checked and why I felt the need to soon afterwards.


You shouldn't have to inform her. Why did you agree to this clause?
She cheated, you don't trust her. It's the only reason you need.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Julien said:


> You shouldn't have to inform her. Why did you agree to this clause?
> She cheated, you don't trust her. It's the only reason you need.


:iagree::iagree:


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

The Traveler said:


> Because I want to be able to take a few days to sieve through her accounts without her being informed in real time. If she is hiding something, and she sees that I'm checking daily, then she will do her best to remove any evidence. After I am satisfied, I will disclose that I've checked, thereby keeping my end of the agreement.
> 
> Basically her being notified is a big disadvantage to me, and a big opportunity for her to double check that she's cleared her tracks.


if she has a computer at her house that she uses you can install teamviewer. What i would tell her is that whatever country you are in is blocking access to a site you want to access and get stuff off of. Then have her install teamviewer on a computer at her house. That way google sees the access to the account coming from the same IP address that always accesses it. You can then get into her gmail account and she won't know anything. If she doesn't want to do this on her computer then get a cheap POS walmart laptop and ask her to set it up at home and install team viewer on it. YOu can even disable the keyboard and mouse and show a black screen so she won't be able to see what you are doing. I'd reccomend having her setup a cheap pos computer that you will simply use for this purpose. Also if you do that you can do other things with that laptop.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Traveler

I read your original thread as well.

Go into her accounts and check them out.

Let her know after you do it or send her an email that you are now doing so and ask her to stay out of her account for 24 hours.

Her response will be telling.

The fact that she moved back in means that most likely she does love you and want to be with you.

The bad news is that she tells you to give her notice that you are checking up on her.

She still wants control. She still is selfish and immature.

If a person is truly remorseful they surrender certain rights in the beginning in order to rebuild trust.

She needs to understand this and do this.

And you need to decide if you truly can forgive her before you marry her....

Because it is not healthy for either of you to carry this baggage into a new marriage.

Time is on your side.

Make sure she understands this as well.

HM64


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

I think that the preponderence of the evidence thusfar has more than convicted her! Dump her! You're courting sheer stupidity by continuing to pursue her!

There are way too many faithful women out there for you! Go find yourself one.

I'm sorry, but the only thing that she apparently remains faithful to is her arrogance and infidelic behavior!


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

The Traveler said:


> I honestly do not believe that there was another guy in the picture when she suddenly left. We spent most of our time together thought the 3.5 years. She went clubbing without my knowledge while she was visiting her parents for a month at a time each summer, and 1 time in the spring (we were in university back then). There was no way she was seeing another guy or having an affair during the time we were living together. She was never secretive about her phone, didn't spend much time on her phone, we were together every single night we were at our apartment (other than 2 or 3 occasions with her classmates--that I met).
> 
> I think the lying got to her... but I still somehow feel that she isn't telling me everything about what happened 3.5 years ago, and what happened on her nights out when she was visiting home. I'm also feeling unusually suspicious about whats going on where she is. I dont see her on a daily basis and she could be up to anything.


It's call the gut feeling and you know what? It's usally right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The Traveler (Nov 28, 2012)

Thank you all for your replies. I see that most of the advice is to run. I'm considering and have considered running many many times, and I may still run. Here's an update:

So i just went ahead and got into her Facebook account and 3 email accounts (personal, old uni, and professional), I was able to change some settings while I was in and she should no longer get any notifications when I visit. I did tell her that I check as I please, and she complied with that.

I found absolutely no incriminating evidence on any of her accounts. Now, this is both comforting and worry. Why worrying? Because there was also absolutely no evidence of her ONS (perhaps even an EA of sorts since she confided in him about our problems-- to which he quite literally advised her to leave me because we were "too young" to be in a serious relationship....) with her co-worker. When I had asked her last year about their interactions, she told me that they didnt exchange numbers or emails, but had each other on some social network (that I went through months before, an is now deactivated). She said they only ever communicated whilst at work, and the one time they went for a drink the night that the ONS took place.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

The Traveler said:


> Thank you all for your replies. I see that most of the advice is to run. I'm considering and have considered running many many times, and I may still run. Here's an update:
> 
> So i just went ahead and got into her Facebook account and 3 email accounts (personal, old uni, and professional), I was able to change some settings while I was in and she should no longer get any notifications when I visit. I did tell her that I check as I please, and she complied with that.
> 
> I found absolutely no incriminating evidence on any of her accounts. Now, this is both comforting and worry. Why worrying? Because there was also absolutely no evidence of her ONS (perhaps even an EA of sorts since she confided in him about our problems-- to which he quite literally advised her to leave me because we were "too young" to be in a serious relationship....) with her co-worker. When I had asked her last year about their interactions, she told me that they didnt exchange numbers or emails, but had each other on some social network (that I went through months before, an is now deactivated). She said they only ever communicated whilst at work, and the one time they went for a drink the night that the ONS took place.


Dear TT,

You seem to be missing the point. Whether your fiancee is cheating now or not is almost irrelevant. The real question is, do you want to spend the rest of you life wondering when she might cheat again?

Why anyone would marry someone whom they feel the need to spy is totally incomprehensible.

Also think hard about whether you would be willing to have children with her. Walking away now would be painful. Once you have kids, you and she are connected for life.


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