# What did you do when your family or friends turned their backs to you?



## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

Hi to everyone on TAM. I have read a couple of threads and posts (including my own) about family memebers and or friends who we thought would support us when the chips were REALLY down. My husband and I have faced that ourselves, on his side of the family(long story short) they chose to side with his CRAZY ex wife to the point where he decided to seperate himself from his family because the whole situation was toxic and unsupportive. Were good now since we know where we stand, so it got me to thinkkng about other people who have had crazy dealings with family, friends, etc. I know how we dealt with it. My question is how did you deal with the situation after you found out that your support system was questionable?


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

I am very sure that the regulars on TAM know I am going to answer this post!!!!! It's all I've been posting about for about a month.

Currently, I am still dealing with my family turning their backs on me, funny, but if you ask them, I turned my backs on them. How I am dealing with it is my husband is a HUGE support for me, since he is on the outside looking in, he always assures me that I am not crazy or imagining things about my family.

Second, coming HERE has been a tremendous help because I learned so many others have been through this and they offer great advice. As time goes on and I no longer get guilt trips, nasty phone calls, gossip, and all the other BS, I feel free for the first time in my life.

You said you and your spouse were dealing with it, but you didn't say exactly how. Care to share?


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

Oh my goodness your are exactly right and the things you have mentioned sound so familiar. We have seperated ourselves from his family because theyre to wishy washy and well fake. He recently just said he had enough of disrespect and as long as his ex is involved with his family then he doesn't want to deal with them especially when it comes to family functions and holidays. It has been going on for awhile now and they know how he feels and feels that they have chosen a side. I feel the same way and a his close friends who he considers family feel the same way. Most of his friends he has known 20 plus years. We both feel a huge burden has been lifted. So now were going to remain spending time with my family and his friends. And I have no problem with that.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

My mother has this thing about forcing family to be together no matter how much we hate each other or get along. She guilts us all the time about it. So we bite our tongues and do family crap to make her happy. After so many years, resentment starts to creep in and now it is full out anger. I told my mother I did not want a 40th birthday party, but she planned one anyway at a local restaurant. Everyone was there, EXCEPT ME!!!!! I bailed and boy were they mad! Best birthday of my life.

We were always FORCED to be together to celebrate everyone's birthdays (cake, candles, singing and all). We were forced to go over there for mother's day, fathers day (phone calls will NOT do, you MUST be there). Do you know how happy I am that I no longer have to be forced to attend these awful events? If they weren't so pushy, I may have chosen for myself to attend these things, but being pushed and guilted makes me mad before I even get there. Then they complain about my attitude and "body language" and I get nasty phone calls when I get home. 

It's good you are surrounded by sane people who you can be yourself with. That is the most important thing, BE YOURSELF. After 44 years of not being able to be who I really am, a great weight has lifted knowing I will no longer have to put on a show. Oh, and I used to have to take a Xanax for family gatherings. If you need drugs to get through a family gathering, STAY HOME


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My parents disowned me when I began to stand up for myself. Hows that for a lack of support? Then a year later they tried to come back. I said "I'll pass".

We haven't spoken now in 13 years. Good riddance. They are beyond crazy.


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

Oh goodness that is really nasty. My side of the family (which used to be like that and I cut people out my life and felt better). As for my husband his sister triesd to call all the shots and she is the biggest problem because his ex hangs out with her and kisses her but and some of the immediate family. She almost succeeded in tryng to get his siter to turn aganist my hubby, those were dark times. 

He and his ex have kids so we would to to his family fucntions so he can see his son because he knew he would be there. Now he is tkaing things into his own hands and we couldn't be any happier, I use to have knots in my stomach seeing his ex wife and all this drama plus this crazy chick started bringing her boyfriend around. Does that makes sense whatso ever?... No it got to weird and uncomfortable so now for the first time I can really plan stuff for us and not give a hoot and it feels really good.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

my mom really loved my ex more than me, no two ways about. mom would constantly bring her up to the point i had to back away for a couple years, my sister and my ex were and continue to be friends, needless to say that relationship is shot to hell, haven't talked to her in years.


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

Wow sounds so similar looks like this might be the case here. On a minor update one of my hubby's cousin's just cussed us all out via text saying were all punk b**** and calling us all kinds of names de friend us on facebook it was hurtful but I get it she chose a side and sometimes it is better to know where you stand with people.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> My parents disowned me when I began to stand up for myself. Hows that for a lack of support? Then a year later they tried to come back. I said "I'll pass".
> 
> We haven't spoken now in 13 years. Good riddance. They are beyond crazy.


10 years ago we were at a family reunion. My father attended and as usually he sticks to me like glue at family functions. Everything he does annoys me to the point of murder. He asks me a question about the speed of CDROM player and I simply tell him, DAD YOU HAVE ASKED ME THAT 20 TIMES. I said it in a laughing manner. Then he got this look, ground his teeth together and said "you are such a ***ing as$hole" and I lost it. I yelled NO, YOU ARE THE AS$HOLE. He jumped up and came to my side of the table to stand over me in a threatening manner, like he has done since I was a child. I just stared up at him and kept saying DON'T YOU DARE HIT ME, I WILL PUT YOU IN JAIL, DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH ME. My mother's whole family got quiet and saw the whole thing. I finally stood up for myself and you know what? My father AND mother disowned me for a year. 

He can no longer rule me by fear. I am an adult and he is just a sad old man, I COULD TAKE HIM, I KNOW I COULD! The shock was my mother turned her back on me for embarrassing her in front of her family. The family thought it was great and was excited to see me stand up for myself. All of my mother's family hates my father, needless to say I got lots of calls that night from my mother's side saying how great that was!

Let them be sick and die together, they will never change.


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

UPDATE!!! So last night my husband cousin didn't like what he had to say so she cussed us all out via text message, and we all just laughed. it is so not worth getting upset over and for right now it is quiet. We didn't bit into it nor are we going to. I'am so happy to not be part of that situation anymore....


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Yes, there is a time when you are glad to be free of the drama and the hurt. There is a saying about getting to choose who you allow in your life, and then there is the arguement that family is family. 

I've always thought that it didn't matter who your support system was.. just as long as you have one. It hurts when it isn't your family, but a positive influcence is always better than a miserable one.

Good luck to you, and enjoy life for today!


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## Chrysalis (Mar 20, 2012)

Cut ties and don't look back. They would never be of any real help, anyway.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Screw em.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> Screw em.


I was sick of the false crap. The leaving out of most invitations and the pressure to attend the big events. My husband called them on their crappy behavior they threw a fit and it's been peace ever since.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

My mother has never acknowledged my nor anyone in my family's birthday or any other significant day, ever. I haven't spoken to my sister in 30 years. My mother in law is a narcissist loon and each of her other kids are more f^cked in the head than the last one. FiL's second wife has disappeared off the face of the earth since he died. Sold his house, the total estate and lit off for parts unknown. 

Screw em all.


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

WOW! For one I'am sorry that in some shape or form you all had to cut ties from your family it is not an easy thing to do (at first). I'm not going to lie I wanted to be a part of my husband's family but after they started to show their true nature and their favortisim with his crazy ex then it was time to part ways. The only downside is that we live in the same city basically we do not live that far from each other. I wish he could move further away. But it's ok just taking one day at a time and just be there for my husband. I just can't believe they picked that psycho over their own blood. Oh well their loss and life goes on.


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

Now I have another question? It looks like so far that my husband's family MIGHT be having a change of heart seeing how serious he is. Were still standing our ground and so far it has been great and I want to keep it that way. Have any of you had any type of reconciliation with your families? And if you did how long or were the lines crossed to the point where you (Rightfully so) felt too little.. too late? Thanks!


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## the gifted (Aug 31, 2011)

Why do you think that there is no solution not everybody has a background not perfect, at least so the choice is correct but is choosing not smart because you can break away from everything that seems to you but it is better to disconnect the relationship from all around, it'll certainly be there rather than family, but even such a person or then he would think himself allowed to intervene but should he think that when your marriage is sitting the test is not constant

Then the choice over time is away from you and your not that your question is not


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## ramroop (Mar 21, 2012)

I am in a sittuation where i feel like piggy in the middle. I run a large family business with my two children from a previous marraige. My present wife and i have seperated for several reasons but the main one is her not feeling part of the family and not being accepted by the family. We have spoke about reconciling but her fears are again not being accepted by my family. My family has openly told me that they want nothing to do with her if I take her back and my parents have told me that she will never be allowed in their house again and my wife says she cant live a life like that. I am very dissapointed in my family because I feel they haven't taken MY happines into concideration. I have been put into a possition where I have to PICK sides. Not a great place to be. If i take my wife back i will probably loose my family or at least any respect they had for me which will make our working relationship very tense. If i take my families side ( they believe she is a bad evil woman ) I will loose my wife and 6 year old son. It just seems like a loose, loose situation for me while everyone else carries on their happy normal lives. What about what I want and what makes me happy. I just feel like i,ve tried to keep everyone happy and it has just backfired on me and now I,m the one that is unhappy. Its a damn lonely place to be.


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

My husband's family is very irrational, controlling and almost selfish. I won't go into the details but basically they never have or had his best interests in their minds, even tried to sabotage our marriage, steal his money etc. The worst thing is that they try to do these things in a sly manner which is not easy to see. My notes on how we dealt (are still dealing) with it ..

1. Which family we are born in certainly makes a difference in the way we perceive things. Since my husband was born in such a family he never really saw "good" or "reasonable" people most of his childhood. That has an impact on the way he sees the world even today, he won't trust anyone easily etc. I have to keep on reminding him of the positive side in people. This is probably the most difficult thing I have to deal with.

2. When I started feeling that these people were upto no good, I had to make sure i was not too negative about them. I hardly knew them at the time. My husband was aware of their issues but was still giving them benefit of doubt. At this point if I would have been super negative about them then my husband would have tried to justify their behavior and in the process would have missed out from seeing the truth. In addition I would have got a guilty feeling if it had turned out not as bad as I thought. I needed a lot of patience to deal with them and I did honestly try to see their point of view, without much luck of course. 

3. However recently they did something that really crossed a line and there was absolutely no benefit of doubt possible. My husband too got mad at that point. We talked about it and we are now not in touch with them any more. My husband feels sad about the whole situation once in a while and i have to give him some pep talks. I feel sad for my husband as well since I can't imagine how things would have been for me had my family been like this. 

One thing I would like to add here in general... if you have a good and supportive family, good parents, friends, siblings make sure you value them and are nice to them. 

Unfortunately we cannot select the family we are born in and is a matter of chance rather than choice. I suppose it also depends on how bad the family's behavior is and what the motive is behind the bad behavior. If it is ignorance such as someone getting angry for no reason etc.. we can still try and make an effort to explain calmly to them and make them see our point of view, give them benefit of doubt etc. After all they raised us and deserve that much at the least. However if their thinking is selfish, sly, super controlling or on similar lines then I think one needs to be extremely cautious and handle things with care. It is better to stay away from such people. However I would like to think that this level of extreme scenarios are fairly rare


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## ramroop (Mar 21, 2012)

Hi Stinnett, i cant open your posts


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

I am very careful about who I associate with. I am acutely aware that my circle of friends and acquaintances directly shapes my own life and I prune as needed. Being my family doesn't exempt anyone from this. If you're toxic to me, you're gone. For most people that would be permanently. For family, I seem to check in every decade or so just to see if they are still inclined to be toxic or not.


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