# Emotional affair - very conflicted



## equaniminator (Aug 13, 2011)

Hello,

My wife has had an emotional affair with an old boyfriend from over 14 yrs ago. The reconnected on facebook during a time when my wife and I were struggling. I had been neglecting her and was completely at fault for our marriage issues. I was working on myself and our marriage and making wonderful progress, or so she told me and I thought. Now that progress seems tainted by the EA, like things would not have been so nice for her without it. I assume this at least.

They never did get to meet up, I can confirm this by the emails and texts that I saw. They did have sexual innuendos and heavy flirting with multiple failed attempts to get together without each others spouses. 

My wife claims she was just trying to be friends, which I definitely believe from the beginning, however it turned somewhere in there. It became another source of comfort and sexual admiration for her. the validation she needed after having lost a great amount of weight.

She has been going through what I would view as a mid-life crisis, questioning everything in her life and about herself. This is when my neglect really came to light. I had been too busy and preoccupied with my terrible and overbearing job. I was miserable and, I'm sure, miserable to be with. I definitely didn't feel like having sex alot, or making time for anyone. I was most likely in a depression. I failed my family during that time.

I saw a text by accident, when I picked up her phone and had to address it. What I read was her and him trying to meet up. It was not a dangerous text at this time. I read a few more and didn't quite like what I saw. Her involvement fit the "trying to reconnect with a friend" story, but his was coming off as approaching and advancing to me.

I talked with her and asked her not to continue to pursue his friendship, I felt uncomfortable about him. He was not interested in what she was interested in. She has other guy friends, so this was my reaction to what I read. I have no issues with her going out with her old friends from high school, even when she is the only girl in the group. never have. They don't come across as sexually advancing.

She agreed.

Things were going pretty great for us. I had been really putting a lot of thought and effort into being the person that I should have been all along, the one I was before the terrible job. But there was a lot of ground to make up. The job was for over 3 years. A good amount of neglect.

I had to go into her email to retrieve some information for an online purchase. I have always had access, never really went in. I trusted her 100%. Never had reason not to. Until now.

I saw emails from that guy.

They were out of line. He was asking for pictures of her, and clearly asking for explicit ones, using those words. She was flirting back. He told her of sexual dreams he had with her in them. They talked about having multiple spouses. They continually tried to coordinate meeting up out somewhere casually. it never panned out. he asked her for sex, of course with a hint of joking, so he could back out if he was crossing the line. utilizing texting shorthand d46.

Then they had some banter about what that meant because she didn't know. when he told her she didn't rebuff him. She laughed it off.

I confronted her with this finding.

She agreed to delete him from FB and block his emails. She sent him a goodbye email asking him to leave her alone, and telling her about me and what I saw, and how she agreed that she would be upset too, had she found similar things in my emails.

She did all those things.

I'm having trouble getting over this. I have no trust. It is damaging my confidence, and eating me alive with anxiety.

Is she texting him? Idk. She is angry that I read her emails. She is mad at me for invading her privacy, and mad at me for not letting this go. I tried to talk to her twice, but she got very angry and told me it was making her feel like just giving up because I wouldn't let this go and stop talking about it.

I don't know what to do.

I am seeking professional help for me, but I haven't gone yet, and it won't succeed without her. 

I love my wife, and want to save my marriage. I deserve to have to own my part in getting to this point, so I am willing to work through this. I am not some innocent guy that was perfect and got cheated on. I failed my wife for several years. I didn't cheat, that is tough for me to handle too. I didn't react like she did, but none the less, I put her in the position to need something that I wasn't giving. So that is why I am willing to try to find some resolution, but I can't do it alone and don't know how to get her to talk to me about it.

I need her to tell me she was acting inappropriately so I can believe that she won't do it anymore. I need to trust. I need to feel respected and wanted, and special, and safe.

I don't.

help?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You can succeed in counseling with her.

She got upset with you because she was caught.

EAs are very damaging to a relationship. I can't tell you what to do, but I do know you have to be tough on her. She MUST not contact this man...or else you leave. Simple.


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## equaniminator (Aug 13, 2011)

Thank you that_girl. I believe she is feeling some guilt. I think that may play a role in her not wanting to talk about it, and she might be just deflecting it onto me to make her feel better. She may be doing this consciously or out of instinct. Regardless it is an obstacle I need to find a solution for.

I do believe that together, in counselling we could save our marriage. I just don't know how to get her over this obstacle, of not allowing me to speak to her about it.

As for her not contacting him. I have no way to know for sure. 

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Seductive, are you a troll. that was accusatory, hurtful, and non-productive posting. It was not helpful to me at all and actually insulted me a bit.

I am owning my responsibility in the situation as far as I see it. perhaps I am missing something, and I will be open to suggestions, however, my actions since realizing my deficit emotional responsibility to my family, merit my minimal request to feel like a special, wanted human being in a safe relationship. I have worked hard to earn it. Unfortunately, this was happening.

I can create multiple emails, and text and delete, etc. it is easy to hide if you want to. what is not easy is to recover from this. I would like to keep responses focused on any assistance ideas on how to open a dialog with my wife about my feelings when she is resistant or to even begin to think about telling her that I am seeing a counselor and that I want her to join me.


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## equaniminator (Aug 13, 2011)

We have been together for almost 9 years and married for 6.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I say, forget this and work.on.yourself.

Your wife will do what she does. Check yourself and see what needs to be done.


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## equaniminator (Aug 13, 2011)

That is definitely what I want to do with my solo counselling. It is for me to look at me.

I just don't have great faith that letting my wife do what she does, is healthy for us. That seems like giving up and hoping for the best.

I hope that really isn't the correct path, that would be terrifying. I want to work through this.

As the title of the thread says. I am very conflicted. I do see this as an option, it just is very unappealing.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

But trying to control her is only going to make her go do what you don't want her to do.

Is she the one saying she'll have no contact, etc? Or are you demanding it...


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## equaniminator (Aug 13, 2011)

She offered it up this time. I accepted it.

But in this situation, There has to be some concession on her part or it won't work. She can't have an emotional affair, that might have been more if I hadn't caught on and then have the situation demanded to be forgotten without addressing it. That can't be healthy either. 

That would mean that it is ok to cheat, and then make your spouse pay for finding out emotionally for an extended period of time. Only people who hate other people would do that.

My mistakes may be the reason she sought alternative support, but how she sought it, how far she took it, and how she dealt with my reaction to it is soley her responsibility. She should need to face that, admit that, and work with me to find our common ground of healing. I'm not sure that anything less than that would be acceptable. It would leave an underlying resentment, that would fester.

I faced my faults and accepted my responsibility. There is no way to move forward and grow if one doesn't. 

I just don't know anymore. Nothing makes sense. I'm just a guy.

I'm just a guy that loves his wife, and had a rough spot in life. I just want to save my marriage.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Lordmayhem post in another thread

Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: USA All The Way
Posts: 718

Default Re: I think she is cheating...
Those are the classic signs alright. The emotional and physical detachment, the sudden wanting to improve their physical appearance, guarding the cell phone, the new friend, the lies that don't add up, suddenly wanting space, wanting separate vacations without you, etc. Most of all your gut is screaming at you. Okay, it looks like you have reasonable suspicion to start investigating further.

I'll just copy and past my standard advice. Are you in the US?

First off, know that the affair is not your fault. Have you been the perfect husband? Of course not, no one is. What I see clearly is that you are blaming yourself for her affair. She had other options besides cheating, such as communicating with you on working out the marital problems, going to Marriage Counseling (MC), divorce, etc. Yet she chose the easy option: cheating. Most likely because the Other Man (OM) stroked her ego and provided the shoulder to cry on. Your wife is now a Wayward Wife (WW), so consider as such. She will give the common excuses: You weren’t there for her, OM provided for her needs because you couldn’t, etc.

The last thing you should do is to cry, beg, and/or plead with her. This not only makes you unattractive, it drives her away. Trying your best to be the best husband doesn’t work either, because you cannot compete with the fantasy she has built up with the OM.

Now you have to play detective in order to save your marriage, or to get the proof you need to end it. If you can afford it, hire a PI. If not, you will have to do this on your own. What you also need to find out is who exactly the OM is, his identity, if he’s married, and if he’s married, his Betrayed Wife’s (BW) contact information. You will need this info later on.

We Betrayed Spouses (BS) call this investigating. Others call it snooping. The cardinal rule about investigating is NEVER REVEAL YOUR SOURCES!!! This will prevent her from denying the A, which they almost always do at first until presented with proof of the A. This will also prevent her from gas lighting you. Gas lighting is a term used when the WW, when confronted, will say that you are just jealous, imagining things, and that you are just crazy. Gathering enough proof of the A, also prevents the Wayward Spouse (WS) her, from giving you the Trickle Truth (TT). TT is when the WS minimizes what they have done in the A, and will only admit to what they think you know. For example: Most will say they only kissed their Affair Partner (AP) once, when in fact they went much farther than that. If the A has gone to a PA, they usually only admit to doing it once & with a condom!

If the WS is using a computer as part of the tools of the A, then you will need to install computer monitoring software, the basic ones are keyloggers. There are free ones, which basically only record keystrokes, to the more expensive ones that record keystrokes, capture screenshots of the computer, email you the results, etc. There are good ones like Spector Pro, Web Watcher, Spy Agent, etc. There are also free ones, but you get what you pay for. Why do you need a keylogger? So you can be aware of their communications, such as how long this has been going on, what they have done, and what they are planning to do. Another key tool cheaters use is the secret email account. A keylogger will capture their usernames and passwords.

Now you might feel guilty about investigating/verifying. Sorry, but their privacy went out the window the second they endangered the marriage by having an A. It is your right to investigate now, so don’t lose any sleep or feel guilty about it. If they try to turn it around on you (blame shift), tell them it’s your right because they are having an A.

Another tool that cheaters use is the cell phone of course. Some carriers allow you to check online who the other person is calling and/or texting. If you don’t have access to this information, then use the keylogger to obtain it. If your WS has a smart phone, you may be able to install phone monitoring software such as Mobile Spy or Mobistealth. This will allow you to see their text messages. The more expensive versions of Mobile Spy and Mobistealth even allow you to listen in on their conversations in near real time, and use the GPS to track their location. If your WS suspects that you are on to them, they may purchase a secret cell phone. A clue that your WS has a secret cell phone is if they suddenly leave their regular cell phone lying about when before they were guarding it at all times. This brings me to the Voice Activated Recorder (VAR).

A VAR can be purchased very cheap, usually around $40 or more, at either Walmart, Best Buy, or your local electronics store. A VAR can be very useful at determining if your WS has a secret cell phone. Also, a strategically placed VAR can be very useful if you are unable to install phone monitoring software on their cell phone. A good place to hide a VAR is in the WS vehicle. If there is one place they feel secure in talking with their AP, it’s in their vehicle. Some place it under the drivers seat with industrial strength Velcro. It’s up to you where you can place your VAR. You may want to hide one in your bedroom or the bathroom in order to record their conversations.

Once you have gathered your proof, it is time to confront your WW. This is called the Day of Discovery (DDay). This may well be the most traumatic day of your life. If you have gathered enough proof, your WW will not be able to deny, gas light, or TT you. Your WW will either go into crying fits, be angry, or both. She will try to blame you for the A, tell you she has been unhappy for months or years. Re-Writing the history of the marriage is a common tactic, they use it to justify the A to themselves. Stay strong and know this is not your fault! This is hers!

She will say that she does not know what she wants. This is called fence sitting. She wants the security of marriage, but wants to play around with her OM. Do not stand for this. It is either you or him. There is no room in a marriage for 3 partners.

Another common occurrence is that the WS will leave the house when confronted on DDay. This is usually only for a few days or weeks. The WW will usually contact the OM about what happened. The WW usually comes home after a few days, but sometimes they don’t. DO NOT beg her to come home. Like I said earlier, this makes you look weak.

Another common tactic that the WS does is to cry and plead that they want to fix the marriage after they have been caught, but then they take the A “underground”. This is when the WS has talked to the AP about ways to continue the A without your knowledge. This is usually when they resort to using a secret email account and a secret cell phone. If you have not revealed your sources, then you can usually find out if they have taken the A underground.

If they wish to stay in the marriage, then you have to remain firm and demand No Contact (NC). They must end the affair and go NC. That is the ONLY way to save your marriage, by killing the affair. An A is exactly like a drug, because the WS receives a “high” from the affair. Feel good chemicals like dopamine and others, are excreted in the brain during the A. Giving them a high feeling, the feeling of being in love, etc.

If your WS is very deep in the fog of the A, and refuses to go NC, or the OM/OW refuses to go NC, then the next step is exposing the A. This means contacting the other BS. This serves two purposes. This helps kill the affair by bringing it into the light of day, and you have another set of eyes watching the other side of the affair. You might even be able to compare notes with the BS and find out more information, or they may have information about the A that you didn’t know about. The other reason is because it’s the right thing to do. Wouldn’t you want someone to have told you what was going on?

Remember the monitoring I was telling you about? Monitoring the WW will allow you to know if she has broken NC. If the OM contacts her and she doesn’t tell you about it, that is also breaking NC. And if you ultimately decide to Reconcile (R), then monitoring will help rebuild trust. After you keep finding nothing, and she is doing her part in R, then you will find yourself monitoring less and less. Eventually you may be able to wean yourself off from monitoring her since she has rebuilt some trust.

Lordmayhem couldn't be with us tonight I believe. Hope this sheds a little light.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

"They don't come across as sexually advancing." From your post.

Are you serious? They're guys. You should know what guys do. Remember the argument in "Sleepless in Seattle"?
I thought everybody had figured this out by now.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

When my SO confronted me on my EA/PA I was told to make a choice then and there. If I had faltered in my decision the slightest bit, he would have made the decision for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## equaniminator (Aug 13, 2011)

I've definitely tried to just roll with the Mid life crisis. She wants to be better, and healthier, and have some focus and goals. That's great! she never did those things before, it's a great change.

But if she wants to do it all so that she can be more attractive to find someone else. well then I have a major issue, lol. That's just the current insecurity kicking in.

I am doing my best to continue being the man that I was being when I made all my progress on me. it is just so damned difficult to do when I am internally dealing with all the trust issue, and stress, and anxiety, and worry. It is very taxing.

I have the Other man's spouse information. i had it before I confronted my wife. I sent him a direct, fair, communication explaining my expectations and some bullet points of the emails I had copies of. and my intentions to get them to his wife if I ever found out that he was still in contact with my wife.

I can't control anyone. I can only encourage him to move on. 

I'm pretty sure that they both sincerely feel that they were just harmlessly flirting. However, they just don't realize how close they were to being put in the situation to do a terribly wrong thing.


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