# Need some advice, On the Brink



## Jon112 (May 9, 2012)

Married: 12 years, two children

Hello, I’m not sure anymore of what to think/do/feel, can’t afford a lawyer, and have hit the skids in a big way. I hope someone can tell me how to think, confirm if I am wrong doing what I am doing as I don’t know how to think anymore.

This started in November 2009. 

I found a number of text messages on my wife’s mobile phone. They were mild to start, but the intensity reached new levels as I worked through these one by one. My wife had asked me to look at why her phone was always reporting a full inbox even though the inbox was empty. She went for a bath, gave me her phone, and I found the problem to be the ‘sent items’ folder. After her bath, I confronted her, told her I found the messages, and asked her if she wanted to chat about it. She turned and walked away and said that she didn’t want to speak.

I made a bed on the sofa and arranged to take the children to her mom’s the next morning so I could have some time to discuss this with her.

My first question to her was “Why?” and from there it was a simple case of “Where do you now stand with this guy? Do you want this to continue, or it is a one-off”. Her response originally was ‘well, I’m sure you are flirting with other women’. Well, I don’t, and never have. She apologised for the remark and said it was a moment of madness. She said it was done. 

I let it pass, forgave her, but I was never sure. I guess maybe I didn’t fully forgive as I no longer fully trusted and became worried. The bloke she saw everyday, I had met him in the past, and she would see him ether taking the children to school, or collecting them. They would walk the same path. To cut a long story short, the affair took place, I tried to fix, tried counselling etc. She didn’t want counselling, but suggested an open marriage or 6 month holiday from the marriage. I declined and said I wasn’t that kind of guy. She suggested I get a girlfriend. I forgave again, tried, tried, tried, but she wanted to see other men.

She doesn’t work or bring in any money.

I left in May 2010 (I couldn’t deal with the stress, lies, and her tears of missing this guy??) and spent a night on a park bench in London, four nights at a friend, and then three weeks house-sitting another friend’s house. Basically I ran out of time but was very, very lucky to be offered a room in a house free of charge as the occupiers were going to be renovating. 

Because my wife does not work, I have covered the family needs, the mortgage, car, and all costs and have done so for two years. Basically, I want to move on now as the room I have was a means to an end, helped me massively, but I cannot continue like this trying to see the girls is horrible as I sleep on the floor and they sleep in my single bed.

92% of my take-home pay goes to the family home because I am worried that she still does not have a job. My problem is that I cannot walk away from this responsibility. She is my wife (??), I need to provide for my children and keep them safe, but she doesn’t contribute. In the UK (I believe) many people that separate stay in the family home because nobody can afford to leave. I cannot do that however. 

I keep back 8% of salary for my daily commute to London and £20 a week for food. When I ask her what her intentions are, she tells me to stop planning her life. I want a piece of my life back now, cannot afford to do this anymore, and swear I am close to popping myself. I know I am weak, but don’t know how to get strong. All I ever planned for in life was my wife, family, and love. I now need to be somebody I am not.

She has done one or two short courses, but has not gone to the next level and applied for a job/jobs

What the hell do I do here? Jon


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Jon,

Sorry you're going through this. It sounds pretty awful. You can't afford two households on your present salary and it's apparent she's not interested in helping financially. The reality is her fling is highly unlikely to evolve into anything. Few guys are interested in hooking up permanently with an unemployed, cheating, mother of two. If you have the forgiveness and patience within you, you're probably going to find that she will return to you with her tail between her legs. You can't control lots of things but maybe there are some things you still have control over. Freed from having to be a husband, you can use the extra time to focus on your role as father, spending as much time as possible with the kids. Maybe you could pick up a second job or take some college classes. This would get your mind on something else and give you an area or two in your life that gives you control, success, and the sense or reward. Increasing your job prospects or earning potential would give you greater options. Do you have parents or other close family members who would let you stay with them on the cheap for a while? Being separated in place is about the saddest thing in the world I've ever endured and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I don't have great solutions for you, I know, but things are going to get better and I do hope you rule out suicide as an option. Your kids need a decent parent. It appears you are the only one they have at the present time.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Jon,

While I am not familar with the divorce laws in the UK, I suggest you educate yourself quickly. Do any attornies in the UK offer fre consultations? I think you'd want to find out about the role of infidelity in a divorce to find out if it has any bearing on the case. 

Right now you're fully funding her life so she can continue (for 2 YEARS) to have sex with other men. Don't you see the contempt and disrespect she has for you?

Also, were you checked for STDs? If not, please do so!


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Jon -- she's really not your wife anymore in anything but a legal sense. I echo Toffer's advice, you need a legal consultation quickly. If you no longer spend 92% of your income supporting her, you'll be able to afford a place to live that is safe and comfortable for your children. And 20 pounds a week for food? That's very little. Are you living on Ramen? I'd put the house on the market, for one thing. Whether or not you are able to reconcile with your wife, you need to downsize some living expenses.

What a mess. I'm so sorry. You do deserve better.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Wow Jon,
20 pounds a week for food? That is a pittance. For us Americans, that is 30$. I cannot feed myself on that little bit of money unless I was eating Ramen 3 times a day and drinking water from the tap. Although I have been to England several times, I am not sure what your divorce laws are like. Your wife needs to help you support your children at a minimum. Laws aside, that is the right thing to do. I would recommend you do the following:
1. Stop support her financially until ordered to do so by a court.
2. Take the money you save from not supporting her and get a good flat for yourself and your children.
3. Seeing that your wife does not have a job, take sole custody of your children and demand your STBXW pay child support. 
4. Live your life for you and your children. Take them on the eye and to Tower Bridge. I know I love these things and they will too. Take them on the train to Portsmouth and see the HMS Victory and HMS Warrior (and a pint a the ship Anson to boot). 
5. Let her go and forget about her. If it's meant to be she will come back and you can consider if R is possible. Best of luck.

Cheers


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Jon,

Move back home. It is you family and home. Stop giving her any money. Not a penny. You buy the food and kids clothes. Nothing at all for her.

Talk to an attorney and find a way to divorce her and kick her to the curb.

Exposé her cheating, et every neighbor , adulr family member, friend know what she is. Stick to the truth, but bring sunlight to her actions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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