# Is it weird that my husband can't explain why he loves me?



## hardcandy (Sep 16, 2014)

Together for 6 years, married for 2.5 years with a 10month old baby. I'm 31 and he's 32.

So on a few occasions, I would ask my husband why he loves me when he tells me, "I love you" or when the topic comes up. (Normally), a husband would answer with a few positive traits a wife has or something quirky about her, right?...but my husband always has had the same response: "I can't sum up why I love you." Or "It would take too long to explain." Or something like that.

Tonight while the baby was sleeping, he pulled me to sit on his lap (we don't get to have alone time together much anymore now that baby is here) and told me he loves me. So I asked, "why do you?" And he gave me the same response again, "I can't explain why, I just do." But he always says that with emotion, not just a cold nonchalant response.

There are times, non-related to the "why do you love me" topic, that he would say "you changed my life", "we're made for each other", "God put us together", "I don't know where I'd be if we hadn't met," "you're a great mother," etc, and on other occasions where he praises me. And his actions clearly show his love for me and our baby.

Yet, he can't tell me why he loves me.

Do you think it's off that he can't?


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> Do you think it's off that he can't?


NO! I think it's off that you think the answer to such a silly question requires a certain level of complexity!

Joking 

Your husband clearly has difficulty expressing his emotions verbally (I bet he's more of a touchy-feely guy). 

You two would benefit greatly from reading 5-love-languages.

Having said that, as his wife, you should come to terms with the fact that he will probably never be able to verbally complement or spoil you the way you desire. Some people are just like that. If he's a good man otherwise, just cut him some slack and let him be.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I don't know if it's off or not. It's not a question I've ever asked anybody. Maybe it's a bit off that you don't know him well enough to know why he loves you without having to ask...


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

Why do you need to push for validation of his love for you? do you suspect him of being unfaithful?
If not, then you are asking the wrong question to the wrong person.
In fact you shouldn't even be questioning it at all


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

Sorry but I think it's a stupid question.
I love my daughter a lot. Way more than anyone else in this world. I have no clue why.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

You sound a bit needy, he says he loves you and you need further explanation.

Do you not believe him? 
" (Normally), a husband would answer with a few positive traits a wife has or something quirky about her, right?..."
On tv maybe. It all depends on the situation and the person.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Longtermer (Oct 1, 2014)

My husband gave me a bracelet engraved with "just because" once and I found it incredible romantic. Hes not very vocal and that just summed up us. We love each other just because . Do you need a reason?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

No doubt he gets a dopamine hit because your major histocompatibility complex systems are complementary. And oxytocin and vasopressin create long-term bonding in the absence of psychological inhibitors.

Hope that helps explain why he loves you!


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Would you rather he make up some words to appease you? He is showing you he loves you by his actions. 
It's not weird at all. Today I might love my wife as the mother of my children. Tomorrow cause she rocked my world the night before. He might not be able to express his love verbally but you should know and feel loved.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Love is a verb.
He loves you becuase he is your husband.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

I hope my wife never asks me that question. I would not have an answer.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Why don't you just ask him easy questions like "Do I look fat in these pants" and "Do you find other women attractive?"


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

not weird at all. Men are basically not into this lovie dovie stuff. They have a strong feeling that they love and need you...but dont expect them to write a soliloquy about it.


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## Lancer (Sep 15, 2014)

My wife has often asked why I love her. I think that is a hard thing to say for these reasons......... To me it is just "because". It is a feeling toward the whole being of the person you love. It is not a set of conditions that I love you because of these reasons. True love is too deep to give a few surface reasons as to why you love.


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## hardcandy (Sep 16, 2014)

While I do appreciate all the replies, it is both judgmental and presumptuous to label me as "needy" based on one post.

In the 6 years we've been together and the million "I love you's", I may have asked about 5 times. And I don't give him a hard time about it like some people are making it sound like. Just in the moment, I would ask with a smile and when he says that he just does, that's the end of it. No scuffle or anything has stemmed from this.

And no, I don't suspect that he is unfaithful and don't need his validation verbally. And as someone wrote, "love is a verb," I could sit here and write about how awesome he is for what he does for us to "validate" it but that would be bragging.

Also, there isn't much to explain why I do it. It's one of those innocent questions that happens in the moment that intrigued my curiosity the more he couldn't explain it. I'm not necessarily looking for an answer, I'm only more curious to know if there was a problem that he couldn't answer it. My question is "is it weird that my husband can't explain why he loves me?" Not "do you think my husband doesn't love me because he can't explain why?" With that said, thanks for the couple replies that did answer my question. Yes, it hit me today that he isn't good at verbally expressing himself so it's not weird for someone like him to not be able to explain.

Loving a child or a parent isn't a choice--you automatically love these people so not knowing why you love your daughter is perfectly normal. I don't know why I love my baby either. I just love her because she is my baby. I didn't choose her. 

However, loving a spouse is and will always be a choice and with choices, there are always reasons as to why you chose someone. And reasons why you divorce them. This is why, "he loves you because he is your husband" isn't the same. If he were to ask me why I love him, I would have an endless list of things that keeps growing everyday. After all, I did choose him over the other men to marry and I hope he has *his* own good reasons to have chosen me over the other women and didn't blindly just marry me.


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## hardcandy (Sep 16, 2014)

Lancer said:


> It is a feeling toward the whole being of the person you love. It is not a set of conditions that I love you because of these reasons. True love is too deep to give a few surface reasons as to why you love.


This is a perfectly good "answer" to tell your wife if/when she does ask again.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon hardcandy
I'm afraid that I think this is one of those questions that feels like a trap. 

"I love you because you are beautiful": "what its just because of my looks?!"

"I love you because you are my constant companion". "Thats all I am, a COMPANION"

etc. You aren't trying to set a trap (I hope), but accidentally you have set one. 

Love isn't a rational thought out thing, it is an emotion. It is driven by how a person acts and looks. How they react to things that you say and do. It is like art - you can't describe why a particular painting is beautiful - it isn't because of the red paint or the blue paint, it must be taken in its entirety.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Why did you choose to marry me is not the same as why do you love me.

I highly doubt that he is thinking you want him to recite a list of your good traits when you ask the question "why do you love me".

Intelligently, he realizes that this is one of those trap questions that there is only wrong answers to.

I will tell you why your husband loves you: It's becuase you meet his emotional needs. It is not something that just exists. It is a reaction to what you do to fulfill his needs.

Don't ask, but rather meet his needs and observe his emotional state. This will be more practical in terms of keeping the love intact than any question you could ask him.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

My wife's birthday is coming up this week and I've been planning to write her a love letter.

Even though I love her a ton, I've been thinking about what to say for a couple of weeks and having a difficult time coming up with the proper words to pay tribute to her and so I don't sound like a dolt.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

hardcandy said:


> Just in the moment, I would ask with a smile and when he says that he just does, that's the end of it. No scuffle or anything has stemmed from this...
> 
> ...Also, there isn't much to explain why I do it. It's one of those innocent questions that happens in the moment that intrigued my curiosity the more he couldn't explain it. *I'm not necessarily looking for an answer*, I'm only more curious to know if there was a problem that he couldn't answer it.


Well, there you have it. You're not necessarily looking for an answer. Just putting him on the spot with a question that he cannot verbalize an answer to. He demonstrates his love -- he pulled you on his lap and told you he loves you -- does it matter why?

My experience is men generally don't like these "fishing" type questions. Women tend to over-think and over-analyze; men are "doers". I think you should stop overanalyzing him.  I don't think there is a problem at all. Unless you make it one.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

" I hope he has *his* own good reasons to have chosen me over the other women and didn't blindly just marry me."

This stands out from your response, so are you insecure about his love?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Speaking as a man....this type of "probing" question usually means one of two things.
1. The woman is looking for complimements or fishing.
2. The woman is setting you up for the roasting of a lifetime.

If he gives you the answer "I just do" that means he has considered that he loves you but the reasons for it are too lengthy to go into. He is most likely afraid of looking weak or over emotional in his explanations so he just says he "does".

Stop testing him and just let him love you.
Someone commented about the 5 Love languages.
That would benefit you both.

I bet his top two are afiirmation and physical contact.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

Why do I love my wife? I don't know...I just do. Its not just one thing I can pinpoint. Its many things, some of which can't be described. I've even asked myself why I love her and can't explain it to myself. I just do!


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## captainstormy (Jun 15, 2012)

Guys hate those kinds of questions. Its just a fishing question. Its either for one of three things.

1. Just for curiosity, which sounds like the OPs case. Its a waste of time. 

2. Fishing for compliments.

3. Fishing for ammo to use against us.

He demonstrates he loves you, nuff said.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I hate that question. Why? Because it’s basically asking me to rationalize an emotion/feeling. You feel emotions, rational or not. Might as well be asking me questions like trying to explain why I like the smell of fresh cut grass, or why I feel cold. Sometimes, just feeling it should be enough. 

He isn’t questioning his love for you since he’s the one feeling it; you are questioning it and there might not be a single defining rational explanation. And it’s actually a rather bad thing to get him in the habit of questions why the hell he should feel ‘this way or that’ about you. Do you really want him going through a checkset of pro’s and con’s to justify feelings just so you can move through an insecurity about whether or not you are lovable? Also keep in mind people latch onto and remember unpleasant things more than the regular good stuff, so that spontaneous list is going to be a bit critical about you. 

Personally I think it’s better to just allow the feelings to happen and take it as icing on my cake. You should really be trying to figure out why you question whether you are loved and seeking out those signs that help you feel it (and encouraging him to continue doing that). I concur with the recommendation for the 5 Love Languages… sometimes you need a translator to see all the ways he is expressing it and what your native language is for feeling it.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Hicks said:


> Why don't you just ask him easy questions like "Do I look fat in these pants" and "Do you find other women attractive?"


Loaded questions. So is asking,"Why do you love me?"


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Why do I love my wife? Depends on when you ask. Some days, it's because that's what I promised to do.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

This question evokes images of

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_XsSofvFxr...AC5I/n-hftqZhzds/s1600/DangerWillRobinson.jpg


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## Miss Honey (Sep 26, 2014)

No - it's not weird that your husband can't explain specific reasons that he loves you. It sounds like you're very good at breaking a circumstance down into it's components and then working out which components are worthwhile or meaningful, I don't think a lot of people are. Some people can go and eat a bowl of spagetthi and then be able to say "I loved the tomatoes and the beef and onions and the wheat and salt and the garlic...and so on." Some people are only going to able to say "Yum. Pasta." You can list heaps of reasons why your husband is great - all he can say is he loves you. 

And i don't think there is anything weird about fishing for an affirmation every so often either. I mean, there is a limit of course, but I don't see anything wrong in appealing to a partner for a bit of verbal support every now and then.


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## hardcandy (Sep 16, 2014)

unbelievable said:


> Why do I love my wife? Depends on when you ask. Some days, it's because that's what I promised to do.





mablenc said:


> " I hope he has *his* own good reasons to have chosen me over the other women and didn't blindly just marry me."
> 
> This stands out from your response, so are you insecure about his love?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





Miss Honey said:


> No - it's not weird that your husband can't explain specific reasons that he loves you. It sounds like you're very good at breaking a circumstance down into it's components and then working out which components are worthwhile or meaningful, I don't think a lot of people are. Some people can go and eat a bowl of spagetthi and then be able to say "I loved the tomatoes and the beef and onions and the wheat and salt and the garlic...and so on." Some people are only going to able to say "Yum. Pasta." You can list heaps of reasons why your husband is great - all he can say is he loves you.
> 
> And i don't think there is anything weird about fishing for an affirmation every so often either. I mean, there is a limit of course, but I don't see anything wrong in appealing to a partner for a bit of verbal support every now and then.


Finally, someone that understands. Yes, I sometimes like words of affection from my husband even if he said something as simple as liking the current color of my nail polish. 

I stopped responding because some people attacked me for something so innocent and simple.

But thanks again Miss Honey for your post. :smthumbup:


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

I can tell my wife I love her because she's beautiful, funny, smart, sexy, caring, loyal, and lots of other things. But there are also other reasons that are harder to verbalize. And then there's also the fear that you forget to mention something, or that you list them in the wrong order and she gets hurt or upset.

What if I said "I love you because you have beautiful eyes, you're sexy, and you have a great a$$." Now I'm a shallow prick.

If I say, "You're smart, funny, and have a big heart" now I think she's not attractive.

See how this is a loaded question? 

Plus, those are certainly things I love about my wife. They're even things that attracted me to her to begin with, but they're really not WHY I love her. I love her because I can't imagine NOT loving her.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Some men are not articulate to explain why they love their wives. My husband is a mechanical & structural engineer. He is a man of few words. 

After reading your post, I asked him "why do you love me?" His response: "I just love you and you are my world". We've been married ongoing for 35 years; first marriage for both of us. We grew old together. His answer was good enough for me.


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