# What to expect -separated, new territory?



## return2oban (Feb 6, 2011)

Hi all,
I am very new to this and will try to be brief. I look forward to your input. Married 28 years, 2 grown children, both out of house, one still in college. Both kids now know of our separation though no family members know nor many friends. We are still "married' on our facebook pages etc, You get the picture I think, this is the first baby steps in this.

I married my husband, who was my best friend, though not my my lover in the sense of being attracted to him. Now that the kids are out of the house (one in college, one on her own) I am/ we are, faced with the growing inadequacies of our marriage. 
There have been a lot of financial issues, and others as well. 

Husband has been commuting for over a year, coming in on weekends. He just sent me an email at work a month ago, stating the problems, his sadness, and "saying goodbye", which was a veiled reference to separation. It was only through a series of less than communicative texts and my follow up phone calls that he inferred that I just didn't get it and that we no longer lived together so he did not have to tell me his whereabouts or anything. Angry, yes, I understand he is, and sad as well. I am too. Even if a marriage ought to end, it is a difficult journey to traverse.

He has still been coming into town, though does not communicate this to me. I do hear this through our oldest who mentioned they were seeing each other today for lunch. We are still married, shared bank account and such, and bills need to be paid, and life continues. So the lack of any communication other than a text "did the such and such check arrive" is very difficult to get used to. Especially after a married life of talking 2/3 times a day and much dialogue about life, and the workings of it. I have suggested that open communication, even minimal would be great to try and keep connected on this. At the least to see if we can fix anything or just to keep me from being blindsided. Maybe this is not possible. Even with our problems, we could pretty much discuss this stuff so to have no discussion is causing me much frustration, anger and concern about what his plans are next. And then, his behavior will change and he will do a 180 turnaround and will send me some texts, asking if I was safe driving in the bad weather, or if I got the oil changed or make a reference to a cute relationship joke between us that couples have. I am thinking he is really acting out his anger (doh) and not being adult about the needs for talking. 

Also, might be self protection on my part, I raised our kids and my job now does not give me a lot of financial resources or independence. I have asked him what are his plans (separation, reconciliation (improbable), divorce?) because I am very much in the dark, I even had to tell our oldest he had asked for a sep since she had been asking a lot of leading questions. I explained dad and I were separated and I didn't know what the future would be. I also made it clear that I would not demonize her dad in this and would try to keep information that she should know, free from anger or finger pointing. The youngest knows as well now.

So, I am clueless. I don't know how to act, or what to do to empower, protect, myself so I am somewhat in control of my future as we go thru this. I am feeling like a spinning top and would really appreciate how to get past the emotions of anger, frustration and keep things on as much of an open level of communication if possible. How does one do that and maintain civility and get information from their partner in this?
I guess I wasn't very brief...sorry 
Thanks.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I'm sorry you are going through all of this. It may be a good idea at this point to tell close friends and other family members what is going on. These people really care about you and will be there to help you get through it. Spend time with them. You may want to also find an individual therapist. I benefited from doing that because the initial anxiety was unbearable. Reading marriage and self-help books may also be helpful.

Be mindful of your financial situation. Make sure you take care of yourself there too. It may be a good idea to see a divorce lawyer. Most attorney's won't charge for the initial consultation. I waited too long on that one. 

And finally, do you think he is seeing someone else? Do you want to save your marriage? You kind of need to figure exactly where you are. Then, decide what you want to achieve. 

Hang in there!


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## hopemom (Dec 22, 2010)

Your life sounds a lot like mine, except we are ok financially but we really had planned to be together forever, or so I thought. We are still in the same house, but since he initiated the idea, I made a list of things to take care of and this past Saturday, we talked for quite a while. I do not want him to leave, but if he is going to do it, he needs to get on with it. I would worry about the money if I were you, maybe start thinking about protecting some of your assets.


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