# hopeless



## jingle_jangle (Jan 2, 2016)

describes the way I feel right now. My story, like many is a long one, but I'll try and keep it brief. My wife and I have been married for 10 years. My wife is from France and after 2 years of commuting back and forth to me, in London, she gave up a good job in France and moved to the uk. We built a pretty big house in uk, which was one mistake as the mortgage is substantial. My wife is a needy type of person: never made friends in uk, never really worked except for a few small jobs that never worked out. I have always felt a huge financial pressure as I have always been the breadwinner.
She yearned for a child but time passed us by and it was too late for it to happen naturally. At 46 she gave birth to a beautiful boy 3 months ago (ivf). 2 months into the pregnancy she developed fibromyalgia. She felt that the uk services were not as good as France so she moved back to France 6 months before the baby was born and she is there since. She is living in her parents house. I spent the last month with her and the new-born baby and I know that this sounds terrible, but it was like a living hell. The baby often crying in it's cot and my wife beside it crying on the sofa. My wife has always been complainer and this just puts a huge nail in our 'coffin of hope'. I know that my wife and I will never have a physical relationship again, and that she will never work again because of the illness.
My wife now wants to stay in France with the baby as she feels that she would't have the same support in the uk with me, as she would with her family: I would be out working all day and she says that she would feel 'alone'. I feel like I am going crazy. I now have to go back to work, struggle to keep everything paid (all the bills for the uk house, and support her and child(which I'm delighted to do) in another country and not even be in their lives. It is her parents and siblings in France who will see my son growing up. Our marriage was never a happy and I should have had the courage to end it years ago. Am I selfish even considering getting out of this marriage? I honestly feel that if I don't that I will be no good to anybody.


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## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

Your wife sounds like she's suffering from some serious post-partum depression. She needs to get herself checked out before anyone makes any long-term decisions!


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## jingle_jangle (Jan 2, 2016)

yes, I believe that she is depressed, but she is also in constant physical pain. I just don't know how it is going to get better when she is in France with her elderly parents trying to mind a newborn. 
I just don't know what to do. I have to go back to the uk to earn a living. I don't speak french and could not earn anything like we'd need to survive.
I know that this sounds terrible, but I am so tired of struggling with everything from bills, to constant moans about everything, and one problem after another, that I can't take much more. Do I sound selfish?


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## jingle_jangle (Jan 2, 2016)

Thank you for your reply. It is very thoughtful. And you are right in many factors. However, I feel if my wife comes back to the uk she will be miserable and non-stop complaining. I know that she has no interest in working ever again. Our physical relationship is as good as over. I just don't feel like I can carry the can forever. I actually feel like I'm living a nightmare right now. I'm self-employed and business isn't great and that is a huge weight on my mind also.
Everywhere I look, I seem to see couples who appear to be together in the journey. Strangely, I feel so alone right now.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

jingle_jangle said:


> yes, I believe that she is depressed, but she is also in constant physical pain. I just don't know how it is going to get better when she is in France with her elderly parents trying to mind a newborn. To make matters 5 times worse we have 2 dogs which are now with her in France. It is going to be extremely hard going for her.
> I just don't know what to do. I have to go back to the uk to earn a living. I don't speak french and could not earn anything like we'd need to survive.
> I know that this sounds terrible, but I am so tired of struggling with everything from bills, to constant moans about everything, and one problem after another, that I can't take much more. Do I sound selfish?


No, I don't think you sound selfish. I think you sound overwhelmed, and the only apparent option presenting itself to you in your distress right now seems to be leaving the marriage. But that would create a huge financial issue that would leave you overwhelmed indefinitely, not to mention having your wife and child on another continent. I agree with the suggestion to sell your house, but I can also see how that adds one more thing to your already overflowing to-do list. 

I agree with the posters that a period of post-partum fog and a stressful pregnancy and delivery are not the circumstances under which you would want to make a decision about the future of your marriage. It is easy to feel stressed when your child is crying and your wife is crying and it seems that what should have been a happy and joyous and momentous occasion has thrown a monkey-wrench into your marriage. 

That said, I DO think your wife has trouble finding happiness in herself and in her circumstances. Some people have everything and still aren't happy. Others have quite a good situation but have things they feel they need, very deeply-seated things, like a baby, to be fully complete or content. 

I think you and your wife both need time to heal and recoup, and revisit what this new situation has created for you, and how the two of you will move forward together. That's not going to be easy. Even so, making a decision that affects your entire future when you are both emotional and stressed is ill-advised, I think. I get why your fight-or-flight instinct is kicking in and you're thinking of ending the relationship. When my h became ill and he started withdrawing, I felt in over my head and as if I didn't know what to do to make it better or how to respond. I'm not the type of person who doesn't know where to go to look for answers, but in that case, I had no idea where to look or what to do. I suspect you may be feeling that way too, so don't opt for what looks like the quickest "solution"; give it some thought and take some time to breathe and cut yourself, and your wife, some slack. 

Keeping a good thought for you that things will level out soon and cool and clear heads will prevail. Good luck and best wishes!


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## jingle_jangle (Jan 2, 2016)

thanks for your reply. I don't intend to make any decisions in the next 2/3 months, but I just feel like I am completely running on empty.


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## jingle_jangle (Jan 2, 2016)

Thanks again. I really appreciate every post.
I would have no problem selling the house and simplifying things. It is the ongoing struggle of trying to make another person happy that I find overwhelming. I would now happily consider living in a trailor, if I otherwise had peace of mind.


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## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

Why are you so sure your physical relationship is over?


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## jingle_jangle (Jan 2, 2016)

Because my wife now believes that her health issue is chronic and there will be no cure. I cannot go within a metre of her but she jerks with the thought of pain.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Fibromyalgia can be controllable. I know several people who have it. Some let it control them and others work with and around it. 

She has to WANT to get control of it in order for anything to change.

Also, it sounds as though she has some pretty bad post partum depression. PLEASE do not leave or make any hasty decisions until this is cleared up. My sister in laws best friend hung herself about a year ago due to post partum psychosis. Of course, this is the extreme, but PPD is a VERY real thing and can take some time to work through. My husbands mother had to go from Ohio to Florida twice for a month to stay with her sister after each birth. 

As far as long term, only you can make the decisions that are best for you. Just think long and hard about them before making any decisions. And please help your wife through the PPD no matter what first.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jingle_jangle (Jan 2, 2016)

losinghim, thanks for your thoughtful response.

I believe that you're right re: fibromyalgia, but my wife I would say, is a borderline hypochondriac, and I am not exaggerating here, if her fibromyalgia disappeared tomorrow something else would take it's place. I know that she will never get the better of it, because she is resigned to it being 'chronic'. It will never be sorted. 
I suppose I'm only preparing the foundation for what is likely to come. I am an optimistic person and want to lead a positive life. I'm just tired of trying keep this thing going.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

jingle_jangle said:


> losinghim, thanks for your thoughtful response.
> 
> I believe that you're right re: fibromyalgia, but my wife I would say, is a borderline hypochondriac, and I am not exaggerating here, if her fibromyalgia disappeared tomorrow something else would take it's place. I know that she will never get the better of it, because she is resigned to it being 'chronic'. It will never be sorted.
> I suppose I'm only preparing the foundation for what is likely to come. I am an optimistic person and want to lead a positive life. I'm just tired of trying keep this thing going.


I have 2 aunts that are hypochondriacs. They've had everything under the sun (self diagnosed of course) and if you have a cold, they always have something worse to one up you. It's exhausting. But, she could get help for that.

My cousins husband did an experiment with my aunt one time. She's a major hypochondriac. My cousins husband told her he went to the doctor for some symptoms and the doctor tested him for ghonnaherpasyphilaids. Obviously this is a made up disease combining gonnerea, herpes, syphilis and aids. Sure enough a week later, my aunt told her daughter and husband the doctor wanted to test her for ghonnaherpasyphilaids! Of course we all laughed and shook our heads, but it was still very sad.

You're painting a picture of your wife as a perpetual victim. Could she get help for that??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

You can recognize that she is resigned to her illness being chronic, even though it might be fixable.

Can you see that you are resigned to being unhappy, even though that might also be fixable?


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## imperfectworld (Jan 18, 2015)

I'm sorry to hear your story. In some ways it is similar to mine last year. Let me give you one aspect - the house. I ended up selling mine because it turned out that ANY option, sadly, basically demanded it. After it sold life became much simpler. The side effect was a lot of depression for me over stepping back what seems like 20 years in my lifestyle. But the lesser of the evils. Think about it and act quickly if getting rid of the house makes sense.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

imperfectworld said:


> I'm sorry to hear your story. In some ways it is similar to mine last year. Let me give you one aspect - the house. I ended up selling mine because it turned out that ANY option, sadly, basically demanded it. After it sold life became much simpler. The side effect was a lot of depression for me over stepping back what seems like 20 years in my lifestyle. But the lesser of the evils. Think about it and act quickly if getting rid of the house makes sense.


Sometimes reducing the financial demands upon us results in what might feel like less of a quality of life in terms of things and material possessions and status, but it can result in a better quality of life by actually being freed of those demands.

My grandmother was a hypochondriac as well. She took tons of prescriptions, and side effects would be diagnosed as symptoms of this or that and she'd be given yet another prescription. But when she came down with breast cancer, she turned into a real trooper and fought off her disease and lived her last years in some peace and quality of life, ironically. 

But I think OliviaG's question is big, which is, if you only can see your wife like this indefinitely, do you see yourself remaining unhappy indefinitely? I hope you can find a way to talk to your wife productively and see some responses and solutions going forward. Counseling would help that; it would help you unload your frustrations and your concerns and help you clear the fog, and provide ways of talking about and presenting the problems you see to your wife in ways that could engender some progress. . . .or at least you could find out if she is willing to commit to progress, however you (yourself, or you two together) end up defining that.


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## jingle_jangle (Jan 2, 2016)

please don't get me wrong oliviag, and I appreciate you time you took to respond. I'm not confusing fybromyalgia with hypocondria, but when someone has hypochondriacal tendencies you know it, it is like if they sneeze they say 'I think I'm getting the flu'. It actually becomes a habit saying that your 'not feeling well'. My wife has literally a room full of medication and if she jot a scratch in her hand she would be off to the doctor. 
And to be truthful I don't want to be critical of my wife here. Is there any circumstance when you think that 2 people are just incompatible?


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## jingle_jangle (Jan 2, 2016)

I appreciate you taking the time to reply OliviaG, and I intend to see a counsellor next week. I probably am looking at making this decision now from an irrational place, but I tell you that I feel like I'm at my wits end. It is one thing being selfish, walking away from a wife and child, when you feel that you have options, but for the sake of my sanity I actually feel like I'm about to crack up as it is the only option. That is the truth.


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## jingle_jangle (Jan 2, 2016)

thanks again, you have a very compassionate and balanced view. Ya, I am leaving tomorrow for uk and will be in the house on my own for 4/6 weeks and cannot wait to be alone. My wife doesn't feel healthy enough to come, and to be honest with you I'm happy that she's not. It would be incessant complaining. 
I constantly regret not leaving this relationship before we got married, and then before we had a child. I would be all over the fear of breaking up by now and have moved on. If I don't do something soon, like leave, I feel that I'll be saying the same thing in 2 years time and life will keep slipping past. It is a terrible thing to realise that fear kept me in a miserable relationship for the guts of ten years. I just have less and less desire to keep this flame burning.
I am not considering leaving this marriage other than purely for the the preservation of my sanity. I can tell you that anyone who would call what I'm doing is selfish just doesn't have a clue what I'm feeling. At this stage it is just self-preservation.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

jingle_jangle said:


> describes the way I feel right now. My story, like many is a long one, but I'll try and keep it brief. My wife and I have been married for 10 years. My wife is from France and after 2 years of commuting back and forth to me, in London, she gave up a good job in France and moved to the uk. We built a pretty big house in uk, which was one mistake as the mortgage is substantial. My wife is a needy type of person: never made friends in uk, never really worked except for a few small jobs that never worked out. I have always felt a huge financial pressure as I have always been the breadwinner.
> She yearned for a child but time passed us by and it was too late for it to happen naturally. At 46 she gave birth to a beautiful boy 3 months ago (ivf). 2 months into the pregnancy she developed fibromyalgia. She felt that the uk services were not as good as France so she moved back to France 6 months before the baby was born and she is there since. She is living in her parents house. I spent the last month with her and the new-born baby and I know that this sounds terrible, but it was like a living hell. The baby often crying in it's cot and my wife beside it crying on the sofa. My wife has always been complainer and this just puts a huge nail in our 'coffin of hope'. I know that my wife and I will never have a physical relationship again, and that she will never work again because of the illness.
> My wife now wants to stay in France with the baby as she feels that she would't have the same support in the uk with me, as she would with her family: I would be out working all day and she says that she would feel 'alone'. I feel like I am going crazy. I now have to go back to work, struggle to keep everything paid (all the bills for the uk house, and support her and child(which I'm delighted to do) in another country and not even be in their lives. It is her parents and siblings in France who will see my son growing up. Our marriage was never a happy and I should have had the courage to end it years ago. Am I selfish even considering getting out of this marriage? I honestly feel that if I don't that I will be no good to anybody.


I don't think individuals are ever under any obligation to stay in any relationship. To survive and thrive requires you to be able to see brighter futures ahead. You need a beautiful point on the horizon that you can look and work towards. If you two have had good times, then I propose there is hope, but only you can get to that point. It will take some measure of effort to bring a troubled marriage to one of good and stable standing. Without optimism, it is nearly impossible.

Men and women need to give, and it seems you are all bottled up, as anyone is that is in an unhappy relationship. Find your happiness. I just hope you have plenty of time to spend with your precious child, at minimum. 

Good Luck,
Relationship Teacher


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

jingle_jangle said:


> It is the ongoing struggle of trying to make another person happy that I find overwhelming.


Here's where you play a significant role in the situation: you believe you should be trying to make another person happy. Happiness is an inside job; none of us has the ultimate power to "make" anyone feel happy. Briefly? Sure. But to take a chronic complainer or a pessimist and attempt to change their mindset? Can't be done.

She is what she is. If she's been like this the duration of your marriage, I assure you there isn't a thing you can do to change her.

I imagine her physical condition and post-partum play a role. But if you found from your long-term experience that she is always going to find something to b!tch about, quit trying to appease her.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

jingle_jangle said:


> thanks again, you have a very compassionate and balanced view. Ya, I am leaving tomorrow for uk and will be in the house on my own for 4/6 weeks and cannot wait to be alone. My wife doesn't feel healthy enough to come, and to be honest with you I'm happy that she's not. It would be incessant complaining.
> I constantly regret not leaving this relationship before we got married, and then before we had a child. I would be all over the fear of breaking up by now and have moved on. If I don't do something soon, like leave, I feel that I'll be saying the same thing in 2 years time and life will keep slipping past. It is a terrible thing to realise that fear kept me in a miserable relationship for the guts of ten years. I just have less and less desire to keep this flame burning.
> I am not considering leaving this marriage other than purely for the the preservation of my sanity. I can tell you that anyone who would call what I'm doing is selfish just doesn't have a clue what I'm feeling. At this stage it is just self-preservation.


I don't get this at all!

You had an unhappy marriage and then payed loads of money to have a baby with her, then say she's a complainer and want to abandon her and the baby? This is crazy to me!

The whole situation is.... Her leaving the country after having a baby with you, etcetera.

Sell your house, get a home you can afford, get to where your financially sound. Then, go see if you can make things work with the family that YOU chose, and YOU created...

What do you think your wife would say the problems in your marriage are????
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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