# Just Wondering



## Simple Dude (Dec 21, 2016)

I was wondering, Do most people know why the lack of sex in the relationship is happening ?? Or is it more common that you never understand why it is the way it is. In my case I never get a reason for it. I am told by my Wife its just the way she is. And never get to the reason. How the hell do you fix something when another person doesn't think its broken ??


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

You leave her. Unless you want to spent the rest of your life in a sexless relationship. It is what it is. You either do not accept the situation and do what you have to do in order to be with a woman that wants sex or stop complaining and accept she's LD. And masturbate to porn. So what's it gonna be?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Simple Dude said:


> I was wondering, Do most people know why the lack of sex in the relationship is happening ?? Or is it more common that you never understand why it is the way it is. In my case I never get a reason for it. I am told by my Wife its just the way she is. And never get to the reason. How the hell do you fix something when another person doesn't think its broken ??


Damn fine question. What was your W like when dating? A sexual dynamo? If so, what the hell happened? Just the "way she is" a poor excuse. Specifically if at one time they were not like they are today. If there is a change then there is a reason. 

Sometimes a MC is needed to find out why one does not think they are broken.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

in one case, i had a live-in g.f. that loathed sex. when i confronted her after she scorned me, she told me "i had bad things happen to me sexually",
but she never told me what they were, even when pressed. she did say that her ex husband beat her up on her wedding night.
that was definitely a clue, but not nearly the whole story. maybe even she was lying, i don't know. 
i never really did figure her out, and eventually got real sick of her and booted her out.
so put that one down in the 'never found the real reason' category.

in another long term relationship, we had a wonderful sexual relationship for some two years and then all of a sudden it stopped. it stopped cold.
like in 'she turned frigid on me' cold.
i mean, one day she was talking about how we were going to have a tryst in the local woods, and a few days after, she went stone cold and wouldn't even talk about sex.
about a year later, i found out that she was cheating on me. count that one in the 'yah, i found out why' category.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Unless you want to have a sexless LIFE and not just a sexless marriage, this is what the solution looks like:


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Simple Dude said:


> I was wondering, Do most people know why the lack of sex in the relationship is happening ?? Or is it more common that you never understand why it is the way it is. In my case I never get a reason for it. I am told by my Wife its just the way she is. And never get to the reason. How the hell do you fix something when another person doesn't think its broken ??


To answer the direct question, many may have an idea why if they are in tune with how things have gone over the past few years or if significant life events have happened, tragedies, job changes, appearance changes. Still, we would only have an educated guess or idea. So, NO, most have no idea what the source of the issue is and in a lot of cases, the withholding spouse really doesn't have an idea either.

There's a lot of canned but still recommended responses that you will need to commit to, to see exactly where you stand but they require effort without wavering. Most important thing is to just man up and start improving yourself and to go about it without announcing it. Stop whining about sex and just start doing what you can for yourself to make you feel like you can walk into a room and command attention and looks. You will get good experienced advice here.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

I literally just asked the same questions openly on LonelyGents thread! It seems that more and more dead bedrooms are on the rise...


As for OP, when the wife says "that's just the way it is..." You should take her at her word. You are her brother, not a lover. In a blatant answer like that, I can honestly say, SHE IS CHECKED OUT! You are essentially there for the pay and security. I would balk at MC to helping this. This is a whole different level.

You need to 180, stop playing the doormat and start securing some finances. She needs a wake up call to singlehood. Period.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Simple Dude said:


> I was wondering, Do most people know why the lack of sex in the relationship is happening ?? Or is it more common that you never understand why it is the way it is. In my case I never get a reason for it. I am told by my Wife its just the way she is. And never get to the reason. How the hell do you fix something when another person doesn't think its broken ??


What makes you thing "that's just the way she is" is not a good reason? It may not be a reason you want to hear, especially because it means there's little hope for positive change. But it may well be a perfectly accurate description, in which case I could say it's a very good reason as you are then armed with the knowledge you need to make a decision rather than spending the next three decades hoping for something better. 

There may be some deeper underlying reason that she refuses to tell you, but she may just be that way. Don't assume the former without solid evidence (i.e. she was having wild monkey sex 3x/day with the guy she was with before you). 

Same thing about her not thinking she's "broken." That also all depends on what criteria you're using do define "broken." If she'd love to have sex but something's holding her back, then maybe you could declare her "broken" in some objective sense, and then work to find a fix. But if she's just as happy without, then she's not really "broken;" she's just not a good match for you.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Simple Dude said:


> I was wondering, Do most people know why the lack of sex in the relationship is happening ?? Or is it more common that you never understand why it is the way it is. In my case I never get a reason for it. I am told by my Wife its just the way she is. And never get to the reason. How the hell do you fix something when another person doesn't think its broken ??


This is the hardest part about a sexless marriage, IMO. It sucked to think I was the problem, but at least if* I *was the problem, that meant I could fix it and things would get better, right?

But....if it was my husband (and it WAS)....then I had zero power to ever change anything. And as HE was fine with no sex....he wasn't about to change because I wasn't important enough to him. Yep, that is what it boils down to - the withholding spouse just flat doesn't think the starving spouse is important enough.

That is part of what finally clicked to make me leave. I wasn't going to stay with a man who so obviously did NOT love me. Now, he'd insist he did...but actions speak louder than words.

I hate to say it, but when I hear women telling a poor starving man to be more romantic and wash more dishes, I want to puke, actually. And I kinda feel sorry for THEIR husbands.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

" the withholding spouse just flat doesn't think the starving spouse is important enough."


Never truer words have been spoken. Thank you POI.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Simple Dude said:


> I was wondering, Do most people know why the lack of sex in the relationship is happening ?? Or is it more common that you never understand why it is the way it is. In my case I never get a reason for it. I am told by my Wife its just the way she is. And never get to the reason. *How the hell do you fix something when another person doesn't think its broken ??*


Short answer: you can't.

I'm sorry that you're going through this; it's never a healthy place to be. Have you shared your thoughts with your wife, and told her that intimacy is important to you, and to your marriage? That would be my suggestion: to sit her down, and explain to her the way that it makes you feel, and that it's important for a healthy marriage. 

For myself, my STBXH always just said that the subject of sex stressed him out and that he found it too stressful to deal with and talk about. Honestly though, I have no idea if this was true, as he tended to say one thing and mean something totally different. Only he knows why, and at this point, I couldn't care less.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Simple Dude said:


> I was wondering, Do most people know why the lack of sex in the relationship is happening ?? Or is it more common that you never understand why it is the way it is. In my case I never get a reason for it. I am told by my Wife its just the way she is. And never get to the reason. *How the hell do you fix something when another person doesn't think its broken ??*


I've read and read countless materials on this topic and it boils down to problems with two things:

*A) Lack of Self Confidence *


> Perhaps your own lack of self confidence makes you feel a need for sex so that you have proof that your wife loves you. In general this form of desire is counterproductive in a relationship because the person with desire is demonstrating lack of self confidence and that comes across as very unattractive to a spouse. If your spouse lacks self confidence, she may feel as if you only are using her for sex and that she is not worthy of actually being loved.


*B) Lack of Self Development *


> This is when you get too comfortable with the mundane, life becomes boring, and depression takes hold. So whatever you position in life is, it is important to never stop learning and accomplishing new things. Then you will having a fulfilling life to share with your partner. Your partner also has to do the same. Some people once depressed don't want to improve anything and create a self fulfilling prophecy that everything is just gloom and doom and just give up while claiming everything is fine because they feel they do not have the energy to do anything about it.


By the way in order to improve your confidence and self development, that has to come from within. If your wife needs help, you can encourage her to improve on those two things but you can only do so without setting any expectations. Otherwise failing to meet expectations will only worsen the problem. Works best if you encourage a spouse by setting an example and sharing your happiness with her. Hopefully that becomes contagious! 

*...now you know!*

I just saved you countless hours of infomercials, reading a bunch of crap, and being distracted by all sorts of counterproductive things in life one might use to try and escape your misery. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Simple Dude said:


> I was wondering, Do most people know why the lack of sex in the relationship is happening ?? Or is it more common that you never understand why it is the way it is. In my case I never get a reason for it. I am told by my Wife its just the way she is. And never get to the reason. How the hell do you fix something when another person doesn't think its broken ??




I don’t think they sometimes know the real reason themselves?
Like: say you don’t want to go for a walk. Can you really explain why? You just don’t want to.

For me, it’s sometimes less interesting to ask the question why they don’t want to but why do men take it so personally and suffer so much from lack of it?
Wanting to have sex feels almost like a kind of compulsion. It really shouldn’t be that way. I m generally not a very compulsive/obsessive person but when t comes to sex, if we don’t do it a few days or more for whatever reason, I get very uncomfortable. It really annoys me that it is that way because I’m not like that in any other aspects. 
I can not eat my favourite foods for months or not do my favourite thing for a long time but when it comes to sex, it is different...It’s painful, like somebody is stabbing you from inside.
Very annoying!



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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

inmyprime said:


> I can not eat my favourite foods for months or not do my favourite thing for a long time but when it comes to sex, it is different...It’s painful, like somebody is stabbing you from inside.


This is easily understandable. If I don't eat my favorite food for a while, I can simply get in my car, drive to my favorite restaurant or grocery, buy some of my favorite food, and eat as much of it as I want, over the next hour, day, week, month, or year.

If I don't do my favorite thing, for a while, I can simply secure any transportation method needed, go where it is available, and do it.

And, I can do either of these things in full view of anyone who sees me do them, and so long as I pay whatever I owe to whomever for the experience, I will have absolutely no fear, doubt, guilt, or apprehension about having done them.

If someone else's feelings are hurt because I did them....I can simply declare that person to be a moron who should mind his own phucking business. I have a complete and good right to eat what I choose, and to participate in what I choose.

But none of those (rather reasonable) rules apply to sex. I have to, because of the constraints of morality, and the risk of hurting my family, my wife, my kids, losing my job, having my reputation destroyed, etc., restrict sex to ONE PERSON in the entire world. And, if that ONE PERSON in the entire world does not want to have sex with me, I have nothing but alternatives which are either illegal, or immoral. I cannot even get sex from someone with commercial affection, no matter how exorbitant the price.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

In my case it is in fact "just the way she is". She was always like this, its my fault that I didn't recognize the issue when we were dating (due to lack of experience).

If someone enjoyed an active sex life in the past and it changed, then there is reason to investigate "why" - though you may not like the answer if they were not happy in their sexually active life. 





Simple Dude said:


> I was wondering, Do most people know why the lack of sex in the relationship is happening ?? Or is it more common that you never understand why it is the way it is. In my case I never get a reason for it. I am told by my Wife its just the way she is. And never get to the reason. How the hell do you fix something when another person doesn't think its broken ??


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

Well, I haven't experienced it in my marriage, but despite being quite high drive, I have experienced it in past relationships.

Long story short? I lost all attraction to him. The idea of sex, an activity I love sounded gross. I rather get myself off than have him touch me.

Men, tend to be visual creatures, and well.... More egar to spread there seed at any given opportunity.

Most women need quite a combo to desire sex from a man, physical attraction sure, but also to respect and admire him, to truely desire him and his blatant masculinity. His power and command....I could go on and on.

The truth is, she may be a very sexual person for another man, buy she is no longer for you. A 180 may work, or it may not.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

I shouldnthave said:


> Well, I haven't experienced it in my marriage, but despite being quite high drive, I have experienced it in past relationships.
> 
> Long story short? I lost all attraction to him. The idea of sex, an activity I love sounded gross. I rather get myself off than have him touch me.
> 
> ...


At least you are not only honest, but self aware enough to actually explain it. 

Guys, all you guys, this above is the answer, and it is the answer that none of you want to accept, but it is the truth.

All the various threads that all the guys write about why my wife won't have sex... It is because she does not love you, she has lost all sexual attraction to you, and therefore she does not want to have sex with you. 

How hard is that to understand???? What I don't understand is why you stay in those relationships. 

For me, while I have never had a partner that did not want to have sex with me, god even my ex wanted to have sex -- just thinking about that makes me cringe, but if one ever did, it would literally take five minutes for me to kick her out.

It really is just that simple, don't put up with it and it won't happen...


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> I shouldnthave said:
> 
> 
> > Well, I haven't experienced it in my marriage, but despite being quite high drive, I have experienced it in past relationships.
> ...


Nope. There is never a one size fits all answer. 

I was high drive, then low drive, then no drive, and now extremely (ridiculously) high drive with the same man who I’ve always been in love with. My problem was hormonal birth control but it took many years to figure that out. My lack of sex drive wasn’t taken seriously. My doctor brushed it off and said that it was normal because I was a busy mom now. My female coworkers told me that it was normal and part of the married parent life. My male coworkers made jokes about their lack of sex. So I really did think it was just “the way it is”. 

The only thing I will say is that I never completely gave up. Even when I had zero drive, I still tried my best to make sure we were having sex at least once a week. I don’t know how long I could have kept doing that though (because I hated it).

Communication is so important on both sides. Talk to your partners about this stuff! 

Every single time I visit this forum I thank God that my husband never stumbled upon it. I’m sure he would’ve been told that I didn’t love him, had “bait and switched” him, was cheating...or who knows what else.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

Just a reminder....I am under the impression that the 180 is for the "other" party. To help him deal and get in control. Not to get the wifey all hot and bothered....
But I get what you are saying. It could show up when the wife sees that he isn't around for the beck and call. 

But also, sometimes the 180 works too well. And he is able to move on and invest his energy with someone else when WW is left holding air....


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

LeananSidhe said:


> Nope. There is never a one size fits all answer.
> 
> I was high drive, then low drive, then no drive, and now extremely (ridiculously) high drive with the same man who I’ve always been in love with. My problem was hormonal birth control but it took many years to figure that out. My lack of sex drive wasn’t taken seriously. My doctor brushed it off and said that it was normal because I was a busy mom now. My female coworkers told me that it was normal and part of the married parent life. My male coworkers made jokes about their lack of sex. So I really did think it was just “the way it is”.
> 
> ...




Yep. It’s definitely not that simple. Though in some cases it is true; people can and do lose attraction. ‘Being in love’ is not some constant thing, even though people try to portray it that way sometimes. 
Sex drive is definitely not a constant thing.
Life is not constant.

Btw what made your drive rise? what BC were you on and what BC are you in now?
Have you taken any hormones or is it age/meno pause related? Sorry if TMi. Just curious.
Can you share with my wife whatever it is you are having? 


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

LeananSidhe said:


> Nope. There is never a one size fits all answer.
> 
> I was high drive, then low drive, then no drive, and now extremely (ridiculously) high drive with the same man who I’ve always been in love with. My problem was hormonal birth control but it took many years to figure that out. My lack of sex drive wasn’t taken seriously. My doctor brushed it off and said that it was normal because I was a busy mom now. My female coworkers told me that it was normal and part of the married parent life. My male coworkers made jokes about their lack of sex. So I really did think it was just “the way it is”.
> 
> ...


Yes, in this case, and that is the only caveat for this situation. 

But, this does not dis-prove my theory. And yes, except for actual medical issues, this is how it is. 

Look what you wrote, YOU took the initiative to figure out what was wrong. Why did you do that, because you loved your husband, because you were still attracted to him, and even when you did not want to, you made love to him, why....

Because you loved your husband. So your issues with sex drive may have slowed your sex life to an extent, but you met your partners needs, because you loved him. 

If you read, you will see the difference between how you handled the situation and how other people handled it. 

You did it the right way for the right reasons. The others do not... 

Also are you are 40 to 50, if so then you are going through the hypersexual stuff that happens to women so just enjoy and get hubby some vitamins so he can keep up. 

I personally love this time in a woman's life... I have known several that went though this...


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

I shouldnthave said:


> Men, tend to be visual creatures, and well.... More egar to spread there seed at any given opportunity.
> 
> Most women need quite a combo to desire sex from a man, physical attraction sure, but also to respect and admire him, to truely desire him and his blatant masculinity. His power and command....I could go on and on.


Female sexuality is more complicated than male sexuality.

While there are certainly sexless marriages where its the man who's responsible, it's almost always that he's low testosterone and it's consistent through all stages (at least, until he discovers testosterone therapy). 

Or, he's a control freak or a psychopath. Who wants to withhold something that's important to his spouse.

In either case, it's unlikely to change.

With women, so much goes into their sexuality that it can (and usually does) change over time.

There's hormones (which not only change over the years, they change over a month), NRE (new relationship energy, where the newness is a major factor in desire), breast feeding, motherhood, etc.

Also, spontaneous desire can change to responsive desire over time, but women (and men) expecting the woman to always have spontaneous desire leaves them unable or unwilling ("people should only have sex when they're in the mood") to give responsive desire a chance to work.



LeananSidhe said:


> Nope. There is never a one size fits all answer.
> I was high drive, then low drive, then no drive, and now extremely (ridiculously) high drive with the same man who I’ve always been in love with. My problem was hormonal birth control but it took many years to figure that out. My lack of sex drive wasn’t taken seriously. My doctor brushed it off and said that it was normal because I was a busy mom now. My female coworkers told me that it was normal and part of the married parent life. My male coworkers made jokes about their lack of sex. So I really did think it was just “the way it is”.
> 
> The only thing I will say is that I never completely gave up. Even when I had zero drive, *I still tried my best to make sure we were having sex at least once a week. I don’t know how long I could have kept doing that though (because I hated it*).
> ...


It's admirable that you still had sex when you were "no-desire" because you loved your husband and cared about his happiness. Most importantly, you kept looking for ways to improve the situation, that counts for a lot. However, if you're husband knew you *hated* it, he would have had a hard time continuing and that would have damaged the marriage despite everyone's best intentions. 

Since sex seems like just a "nice to have" to many women, they think that it's the same for their husband and that they should deal with the lack of sex as easily as the woman does.

Assuming no other causes, the lack of sex could be "just the way she is" at that time.

Two things could be happening:

1) She knows how important sex is to her husband and the marriage and just doesn't care. 

2) She does NOT know how important sex is to her husband and the marriage. 

If it's the first, there's nothing to be done.

If it's the second, then it is absolutely vital that the husband explain to his wife just how important sex is to him and the consequences to the marriage if the situation does not improve. Many men fail to do this. Either because they don't think that their feelings are justified, they're afraid of possibly learning that their wife doesn't care enough about them to work on it or they are afraid that the marriage might end. Also, many wives are not easily convinced that this is a valid concern of on the part of their husband ("He just needs to get off", "All men are like this", "Men always want sex but they don't actually need it"). So, it may take a lot to get the point across.

If they do so, then one of three things will happen. 

1) Their wife won't care and won't do anything about it (which is good information to have).

2) Their wife would like to do something about it but simply can't (Also good to know).

3) Their wife will realize how important it is and try to improve thier sex life

In order to let their wife understand the gravity of the situation, it's important that the husband changes his behavior if the wife makes no effort to work on the problem (otherwise his wife is probably justified in thinking that he doesn't *really* mean what he said).


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> LeananSidhe said:
> 
> 
> > Nope. There is never a one size fits all answer.
> ...


I think a lot of women love their husbands but don’t understand that loss of sex drive isn’t always “normal”. I was told over and over again that “all men want is sex” and “you’re a tired mom, of course you don’t want it” by friends and doctors. Yes, I loved my husband enough to try my hardest to get back to normal but I also said that I don’t know how long I could have lasted doing that if nothing had changed. If I wouldn’t have figured things out then I could see myself eventually growing more and more resentful. I might have given up on sex. 

I’m 34.


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

inmyprime said:


> Btw what made your drive rise? what BC were you on and what BC are you in now?
> Have you taken any hormones or is it age/meno pause related? Sorry if TMi. Just curious.
> Can you share with my wife whatever it is you are having?
> 
> ...


Nothing is TMI here! 🙂

Nothing made my drive go up except stopping the BC. I was on a low dose BC pill after our first child and my drive was lowered but ok. After our second baby I was on a regular BC pill and had a significant drop in sex drive. After our third baby I took a break from BC because I was breastfeeding and worried about my milk supply. My drive shot up and I wanted sex all the time. When baby was about 8 months old I started getting the depo shot and within a month my drive was the lowest it had ever been. I would say non existent. I wasn’t even interested in masturbation. I was on it for almost a year. I came across a story about them testing the depo shot on prison inmates to lower sex drives (I have no idea if that is really true) and that’s what made me realize that my lowered drive coincided with BC. I stopped getting the shot in July 2017 and by the end of that year was starting to feel more normal. Now my drive is higher than ever. 
We are using condoms. I’ve been contemplating getting a non hormonal IUD but now I’m too scared of messing things up.

I’m 34 so none of this is related to menopause. Hopefully. Lol.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

LeananSidhe said:


> Nothing is TMI here! 🙂
> 
> Nothing made my drive go up except stopping the BC. I was on a low dose BC pill after our first child and my drive was lowered but ok. After our second baby I was on a regular BC pill and had a significant drop in sex drive. After our third baby I took a break from BC because I was breastfeeding and worried about my milk supply. My drive shot up and I wanted sex all the time. When baby was about 8 months old I started getting the depo shot and within a month my drive was the lowest it had ever been. I would say non existent. I wasn’t even interested in masturbation. I was on it for almost a year. I came across a story about them testing the depo shot on prison inmates to lower sex drives (I have no idea if that is really true) and that’s what made me realize that my lowered drive coincided with BC. I stopped getting the shot in July 2017 and by the end of that year was starting to feel more normal. Now my drive is higher than ever.
> We are using condoms. I’ve been contemplating getting a non hormonal IUD but now I’m too scared of messing things up.
> ...




Oh wow, what a rollercoaster. Many couples probably go through their whole life and never know what killed the sex drive. I wonder how many depo shots/pills are responsible for the dreaded ‘bait & switch’ effect?

Non hormonal IUDs can cause heavy periods/cramps.
The hormonal ones release very small amounts and do not affect the system much, if at all.
My wife has got hers now; so far so good  
Otherwise I’m mentally preparing to be a man and cut off my balls next (vasectomy).
I hope it won’t have to cum to that.


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

inmyprime said:


> LeananSidhe said:
> 
> 
> > Nothing is TMI here! 🙂
> ...


I think that every single time I see someone mention “bait and switch”! It instantly angers me. Lol. 
I wouldn’t have known if it wasn’t for that 8 month break from BC. That helped me recognize the pattern. I kept being told that it wa normal to lose it after having kids.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

LeananSidhe said:


> I think that every single time I see someone mention “bait and switch”! It instantly angers me. Lol.
> I wouldn’t have known if it wasn’t for that 8 month break from BC. That helped me recognize the pattern. I kept being told that it wa normal to lose it after having kids.




The phrase ‘bait & switch’ implies an intention but it’s more often than not simply circumstantial (not deliberate) and only looks as if it’s intentional.

I find it very hard to imagine not being attracted/horny for wife. It’s very difficult to imagine that a simple chemical agent is responsible for a big part of my feelings towards her.
So if someone drained all my testosterone, I just cannot see myself not being turned on by thinking about her vajayjay but I guess this is what happens.
Or if someone injected something else in me, i could start thinking, wouldn’t it be great if she grew a penis? Crazy and scary.

People feel they are above those things (being mostly governed by chemicals) but we are not.


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

inmyprime said:


> LeananSidhe said:
> 
> 
> > I think that every single time I see someone mention “bait and switch”! It instantly angers me. Lol.
> ...


You are absolutely right. And I think it’s hard for lots of men to understand that because they don’t have the same up and down hormones (in most cases) as women. Especially when you factor in stuff like birth control which is specifically meant to alter hormones. 
A lot of people, men and women, look at BC as a magic pill that you take to prevent pregnancy without thinking about what it’s really doing and changing inside a woman. That’s why it took me so many years to figure things out. 

Luckily, I never felt like I didn’t love my husband. He’s always been a great father and loving husband so I always appreciated that. I wasn’t very attracted to him in a sexual way but I wasn’t attracted to anyone in a sexual way. I remember thinking that if something happened to him I’d be perfectly fine never having sex again. 

I’m very glad those days are over.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

LeananSidhe said:


> You are absolutely right. And I think it’s hard for lots of men to understand that because they don’t have the same up and down hormones (in most cases) as women. Especially when you factor in stuff like birth control which is specifically meant to alter hormones.
> A lot of people, men and women, look at BC as a magic pill that you take to prevent pregnancy without thinking about what it’s really doing and changing inside a woman. That’s why it took me so many years to figure things out.
> 
> Luckily, I never felt like I didn’t love my husband. He’s always been a great father and loving husband so I always appreciated that. I wasn’t very attracted to him in a sexual way but I wasn’t attracted to anyone in a sexual way. I remember thinking that if something happened to him I’d be perfectly fine never having sex again.
> ...



I think if you have a bond with someone that is not purely based on sexual feelings alone, then you are not immediately going to leave them when you suddenly realise that ‘I don’t actually want to have sex with my husband that much’.

But that feeling can spill out into other areas of the relationship. You have those individual parts (attraction, respect, admiration, companionship, common interests etc) that all work together to make a fulfilling relationship and if one for he parts starts going wrong; while it may not break the whole relationship, it may start to suffer and if not addressed over time, the whole thing can break apart.

What would you do now, if something happened that prevented him to have sex with you again though? 


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

inmyprime said:


> LeananSidhe said:
> 
> 
> > You are absolutely right. And I think it’s hard for lots of men to understand that because they don’t have the same up and down hormones (in most cases) as women. Especially when you factor in stuff like birth control which is specifically meant to alter hormones.
> ...


I absolutely feel like it could have caused our marriage to deteriorate eventually. If I’m completely honest, I think it was starting to. I was forcing myself to have sex and resenting it. I’m sure he would have eventually felt unloved. I tried to keep communication open and honest but I wasn’t going to tell him how much I hated sex and how nothing that he did felt good anymore. 

What would I do if something happened and he couldn’t have sex with me? Leave his ass. Accuse him of the ol’ bait and switch and be out the door. I’d stop being nice to him and stop cleaning the house and helping with the kids so he could see how it would be without me. 
Lol. Just using the advice commonly given here. 

But seriously, I have no idea. I would hope that I could help work things out and be understanding. That we’d find a solution or at least a good compromise. Realistically I know I’d be devastated.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I think the root cause is that we were simply never designed to only breed with one mate for life. Our basic programming is serial monogamy where we sexually and emotionally bond with one mate and produce offspring and remain together until that offspring is developed enough to perform their own basic life functions (feeding, dressing, bathroom, mobility etc etc) without 24/7 hands-ons care by two parents (roughly school age....hence "The 7 Year Itch."

Once that offspring has reached a self-surviving developmental stage, then the sexual desire and bond starts to seriously erode and attractions towards the next mate begins. 

Rinse and repeat. 

Now that does not mean that when a couple gets sent to MC by the court before divorce that anyone is going to sit there and tell the MC that they are simply fulfilling their instinctual imperative and that the clock has ran out on their sexual attraction to their current partner. 

They are going to say things like they don't feel an emotional connection or that they aren't feeling fulfilled by their partner or that their partner does not clean the house well enough or help with the kids enough or has gained weight or spends too much time playing video games etc etc. 

Some may even say that they have NO sexual desire or libido and that they are not a sexual person. That may be true until they meet that person at the gym or at work or at the community center that makes their head spin. 

People may truly not have a true specific reason for their loss of desire for their partner and may not be able to adequately articulate why they no longer feel desire for their partner.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

LeananSidhe said:


> I absolutely feel like it could have caused our marriage to deteriorate eventually. If I’m completely honest, I think it was starting to. I was forcing myself to have sex and resenting it. I’m sure he would have eventually felt unloved. I tried to keep communication open and honest but I wasn’t going to tell him how much I hated sex and how nothing that he did felt good anymore.
> 
> What would I do if something happened and he couldn’t have sex with me? Leave his ass. Accuse him of the ol’ bait and switch and be out the door. I’d stop being nice to him and stop cleaning the house and helping with the kids so he could see how it would be without me.
> Lol. Just using the advice commonly given here.
> ...




I would get myself organised and get some toys, just in case  And I don’t mean from Toys R Us.
Also so you can give yourself a head start, next time it’s time for The Orgasmotron!


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

I believe it is a mix of physical, mental and emotional which is simple the problem is everyone is different so the mix can be different in each. So if a person has low hormones and either feels pain or no pleasure during sex it turns into the thrill of going to a gym. If someone was abused as a child and wants to feel loved but also feels naughty for enjoying sex that is different. And of course if someone is raised with a parent saying good girls dont mixed with any of the above is a whole new thing. Then add the fact that most men dont understand a woman's body (no they are NOT men without a penis) then u have a storm of problems.


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

inmyprime said:


> LeananSidhe said:
> 
> 
> > I absolutely feel like it could have caused our marriage to deteriorate eventually. If I’m completely honest, I think it was starting to. I was forcing myself to have sex and resenting it. I’m sure he would have eventually felt unloved. I tried to keep communication open and honest but I wasn’t going to tell him how much I hated sex and how nothing that he did felt good anymore.
> ...


I seriously just ordered my first real toy yesterday!! I’m so freaking excited!! It’s supposed to be here Tuesday! I feel silly for being this excited but I am. Cross your fingers that it comes early in the day before the baby’s nap time!


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

LeananSidhe said:


> I seriously just ordered my first real toy yesterday!! I’m so freaking excited!! It’s supposed to be here Tuesday! I feel silly for being this excited but I am. Cross your fingers that it comes early in the day before the baby’s nap time!



Haha, good for you!

I remember I spent a small fortune on these things once upon a time; my wife only used maybe one of them, once, then made me throw away all of them, when our house was burgled and police came to investigate: all they found was a bunch of dildos. I guess they don’t have a very high resale value...They didn’t know they were unused though! Ha! Shove THIS up your ass, burglars!


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

LeananSidhe said:


> I absolutely feel like it could have caused our marriage to deteriorate eventually. If I’m completely honest, I think it was starting to. I was forcing myself to have sex and resenting it. I’m sure he would have eventually felt unloved. I tried to keep communication open and honest but I wasn’t going to tell him how much I hated sex and how nothing that he did felt good anymore.
> 
> What would I do if something happened and he couldn’t have sex with me? Leave his ass. Accuse him of the ol’ bait and switch and be out the door. I’d stop being nice to him and stop cleaning the house and helping with the kids so he could see how it would be without me.
> Lol. Just using the advice commonly given here.
> ...


I think both of you @LeananSidhe and @inmyprime miss the point in your back and forth. 

For @LeananSidhe, you see, you actively worked though your sexual issues, and still had sex with your husband, because you loved him, you sacrificed. Love is sacrifice in many ways. 

Now, realizing how young you are, your doctors were FOOLS for not realizing what was actually going on. Because at your age, or that age when it happened, your sex drive should have been through the roof. 

And that is also some of the standard advice for the sexless marriage threads which is if she is on hormonal BC then get off of it. For a ton of women that solved the problem as soon as it got out of their system. 

But if it had continued, even you would have probably given up at some point. 

However, the basic point of the sexless marriage thread, is still the same and it always will be. The woman, usually, loses all love, respect and attraction to the husband, and is too comfortable in the married lifestyle to get a divorce. 

And if she has a clueless doormat husband, she can stay in that marriage for a really long time, and just exist. 

Be it male of female, anyone that does that to their partner is a POS, but it is happening every day...


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

BluesPower said:


> However, the basic point of the sexless marriage thread, is still the same and it always will be. The woman, usually, loses all love, respect and attraction to the husband, and is too comfortable in the married lifestyle to get a divorce.



That’s your interpretation of these threads though. All we see are symptoms. Nobody knows the true underlying causes and why the marriage is sexless. You think it’s a doormat husband or a wife that finds the husband revolting; it’s possible but it’s also possible that it could be something else. Or a million other things. If I’m not mistaken, you (and most others) seem to advise people not to remain in a sexless marriage and not try to figure out or fix it and just leave and find somebody else. That’s fine but I don’t believe there is a universal solution for every sexless marriage. Nor is every marriage sexless for the same reasons.

My marriage had sex, then little sex, then almost none, and now lots of sex. According to you (and others), I should have left years ago.
I’m glad I didn’t.



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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

BarbedFenceRider said:


> " the withholding spouse just flat doesn't think the starving spouse is important enough."
> 
> 
> Never truer words have been spoken. Thank you POI.


Correct. See my signature.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

inmyprime said:


> My marriage had sex, then little sex, then almost none, and now lots of sex. According to you (and others), I should have left years ago.
> I’m glad I didn’t.


That is not exactly what I have advised. I do advise working on it. @LeananSidhe worked through her issues, but again, I point to her as an example of the right way to do it. 

She worked hard to figure out what the issue was, but she did not abandon her husband. 

Now, after some period of time, which is everyone prerogative, after you have tried everything you can think of, yes I advise leaving. 

How long is that period of time, for me it would be really short, a year MAYBE, for others it may be longer. 

I guess the problem is, when is the cutoff point. There is a point where you are wasting your time, and if you don't want to be celibate, you have to leave the relationship. 

And I still believe that in the low/no sex wife, it is a loss of attraction and love for the most part. While we have no hard stats on this, either way, life experience tells me that this is by far the main reason.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

I guess, for me....The amount of time I'd be willing to be feeling REJECTED from my lover, confidant, friend, and spouse. Having your wife commit to you and work together in finding sexual intimacy would be a positive step. But unfortunately, with so many threads lately, that isn't really the case. 

When you take your vows upon marriage looking at your spouse with certain eyes. Then years later to have it change. The vows have been changed from loving affection orientated spouse to friendly room mate...A large part of you dies with it. It has rarely to do with the amount of sex. But with the completeness of it being long gone. The marriage is effectively dead.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

BarbedFenceRider said:


> I guess, for me....The amount of time I'd be willing to be feeling REJECTED from my lover, confidant, friend, and spouse. Having your wife commit to you and work together in finding sexual intimacy would be a positive step. But unfortunately, with so many threads lately, that isn't really the case.
> 
> When you take your vows upon marriage looking at your spouse with certain eyes. Then years later to have it change. The vows have been changed from loving affection orientated spouse to friendly room mate...A large part of you dies with it. It has rarely to do with the amount of sex. But with the completeness of it being long gone. The marriage is effectively dead.


Well actually the vows don't change, the interpretation might but you made the vows when you married don't actually change.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

BluesPower said:


> That is not exactly what I have advised. I do advise working on it. @LeananSidhe worked through her issues, but again, I point to her as an example of the right way to do it.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Ok, I must have misread your recommendations. I agree about loss of attraction in many cases. But I still think one should go on a case by case and it is counterproductive to make these generalisations.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I think couples get to comfortable, and think they no longer need to make their partner feel wanted.

Speaking as a woman, I think it's more important to keep the sex life alive the longer you are together. It's a big part of the relationship when you first get together, and it should be through out the marriage giving there is no medical issue causing one spouse not to be able to fulfill their partners needs.

If in a relationship and the other does not seem to care, if they give you some or not is a good reason to consider ending it and finding someone that wants to fulfill you and make you happy. 

Just my 2 cents


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## safc1973 (Jan 10, 2016)

i have the same problem will get slated for this because have posted on here before but i just live with it no sex for months and months not even a kiss but i trow myself into work and grandchildren it gets me depressed sometimes but dont want to leave wife and cant be bothered with the change if i did


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

safc1973 said:


> i have the same problem will get slated for this because have posted on here before but i just live with it no sex for months and months not even a kiss but i trow myself into work and grandchildren it gets me depressed sometimes but dont want to leave wife and cant be bothered with the change if i did


You and @Holdingontoit should get together and compare notes.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Simple Dude said:


> I was wondering, Do most people know why the lack of sex in the relationship is happening ?? Or is it more common that you never understand why it is the way it is. In my case I never get a reason for it. I am told by my Wife its just the way she is. And never get to the reason. How the hell do you fix something when another person doesn't think its broken ??


*There is something about the act of sex that they don't like or have become aversive to. To effect that, then they implement the "no sex" mantra as some kind of a control mechanism because while they want or need their spouse for other reasons, the normally loving act of sex just isn't one of them!

If they're not willing to participate in mutual counseling, then that's often the death knell in the relationship!*


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Doesn’t there have to be a reason why someone wouldn’t want sex on a regular basis if all is good? Some people want to claim that not wanting sex very often is just some peopke’s norm. But why would two people who are crazy about each other and things are goi g good in their life not want to have sex on a regular basis?


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## Jethro (Aug 16, 2013)

In my case, I just don't feel like having sex is worth it. I would prefer to masturbate to relieve my pent up desire. Lots of reasons for that, but the biggest is probably because she doesn't seem to really enjoy it and puts very little effort into sex.

My wife is (now) very open to having sex with me when I initiate. She seldom initiates, however, and doesn't ever seem to want me. When she does mention sex, she treats it like our marital obligation. If it has been awhile since we have had sex she will say something half-joking like, "are we ever going to have sex again?" I usually respond by asking, "do you want to?" To which she will say something like, "well, yes." But then she does nothing to show that she wants it. So, why should I think it is anything more than just her feeling like she needs to do it for me?

My wife has difficulty reaching orgasm. This is not due to my lack of trying, however. I would say we are successful 60-75% of the time in getting her to reach climax. Never through PIV, though. She says she has never orgasmed that way. In fact, she says (not sure I believe her) that she has never had an orgasm with anyone except me. This came out of a therapy session about a year ago. I had never heard that before then.

When we do have sex, I usually try to help please her first. If successful, it is more pleasurable for me to then finish inside of her. If not successful, or even sometimes when we have been, I pick up on a "hurry up and get it done" vibe. She would deny that, but her body speaks louder than her post-coital denials.

She doesn't masturbate on her own--and says she has hardly ever done that in her life. I have tried different things to increase her pleasure, including the introduction of toys--to little affect. 

Over our 34 years of marriage, sex with my wife has rarely been as exciting and fulfilling for me as masturbation. I would prefer feeling good about myself even if it is all imagined than face the reality of a spouse who doesn't seem to enjoy sex--with me, anyway.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Jethro said:


> In my case, I just don't feel like having sex is worth it. I would prefer to masturbate to relieve my pent up desire. Lots of reasons for that, but the biggest is probably because she doesn't seem to really enjoy it and puts very little effort into sex.
> 
> My wife is (now) very open to having sex with me when I initiate. She seldom initiates, however, and doesn't ever seem to want me. When she does mention sex, she treats it like our marital obligation. If it has been awhile since we have had sex she will say something half-joking like, "are we ever going to have sex again?" I usually respond by asking, "do you want to?" To which she will say something like, "well, yes." But then she does nothing to show that she wants it. So, why should I think it is anything more than just her feeling like she needs to do it for me?
> 
> ...


Sorry brother, this post is just really messed up. I don't even know where to start. 

This is just so weak and pathetic, sorry, but it is.


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

I would tend to think that you have to own some of this problem. When she asks are we ever going to have sex again and says yes she wants to....take that as she desires you. Don't whine about it. Take her hand and off you go. You are so over thinking it. There are lots of guys on here with LD, NO D, wives that would love that as an invitation. 

Maybe she is not the wild and crazy woman that you want her to be in bed but she has needs and has expressed them. She wants you. She has said she has only orgasmed with you. Who cares if its 100% of the time or how she gets there? If shes done and you are sprinting to the finish line who cares if she may no longer be in it completely. The orgasm is really what drives people so it would be natural if her drive waned afterwords. I think you need to focus on her instead of the right (left?) hand. 

A few rounds of IC would help to figure out why you seem to be sabotoging (SP!)your relationship with your insecurities.

Good luck. I think you can turn this around in your head.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

safc1973 said:


> i have the same problem will get slated for this because have posted on here before but i just live with it no sex for months and months not even a kiss but i trow myself into work and grandchildren it gets me depressed sometimes but dont want to leave wife and cant be bothered with the change if i did


You are choosing to stay. You would rather be depressed than divorced. Own it.

I am in the same position. I choose to stay. I figure I am very messed up, no healthy woman would desire me, so if I am going to be broken and unhappy, who better to be broken and unhappy with than the woman who turned me down repeatedly during the 2 decades when I did want sex with her.

Do the work to get healthy so you can't wait to dump your wife. Or accept that you would rather stay miserable than do the work to get psychologically healthier. At this point, it isn't her fault there is no movement. it is yours.


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