# The Benefits of Exposure?



## hoping4love (Jan 14, 2013)

I have been reading constantly since I found out about my husband's affair (after he moved out to move in with her). The things is, there seems to be an even 50/50 split between people thinking that exposure is the best way to end the affair and those who think it would do nothing but guilt him out and push him further away.

I am interested to learn whether or not this has actually worked with anyone. Clearly, I mean to get a spouse to drop the affair and come back home.

Thanks.


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## OzyMan (Jan 15, 2013)

I tried to expose the affair, but it didn't matter. Talked to OM cause he confronted me on some issues that she lied to him about. In the end, he believed her over me on all the big time lies, so it made no difference as of today (which is when I talked to the OM). Maybe in a the future he will see through her deception... but im not holding my breathe. She can talk a good talk, she fooled me for years!!!


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

hoping4love said:


> I have been reading constantly since I found out about my husband's affair (after he moved out to move in with her). The things is, there seems to be an even 50/50 split between people thinking that exposure is the best way to end the affair and those who think it would do nothing but guilt him out and push him further away.
> 
> I am interested to learn whether or not this has actually worked with anyone. Clearly, I mean to get a spouse to drop the affair and come back home.
> 
> ...



The odd thing about an affair is the secrecy. If it's real - why the secrecy? Why the lies? That's why exposure is usually necessary - to get rid of the secrecy - see if the affair can stand up to the light of day. In most cases, the affair is just a fantasy and exposure kills the illusion. Of course, there are cases where it is an exit affair and just a cowardly way to leave a marriage. And I am sure there are cases where an affair IS a true love and survives (although you rarely hear about these).

In any case, exposure brings out the truth which is a good thing. I made the mistake of NOT exposing when I discovered my wife's EA (which had morphed into a PA). In hindsight it was a very big mistake. Even though her affair was already over - exposing would have revealed many truths which remained hidden for too long during our false R.

Expose for the truth's sake.


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## OzyMan (Jan 15, 2013)

i would agree with cedarman...
if your goal is to R, then exposure is a must, and would only lead to a False R in the end if you didnt


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## hoping4love (Jan 14, 2013)

I think what is really tripping me up is that it just seems so counter-productive and counter-intuitive. I mean, I think it would just guilt someone into coming back (if they even come back at all). It just seems that it wouldn't really lift this "fog" so much as make it thicker with resentment.

Besides that - my husband is a guilty person, he always acts like a martyr and I wonder if exposing him to what he has done would push him away because he will see and think that everyone hates him and that he has screwed everything up beyond repair. Is that part it, though?


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

hoping4love said:


> I think what is really tripping me up is that it just seems so counter-productive and counter-intuitive. I mean, I think it would just guilt someone into coming back (if they even come back at all). It just seems that it wouldn't really lift this "fog" so much as make it thicker with resentment.
> 
> Besides that - my husband is a guilty person, he always acts like a martyr and I wonder if exposing him to what he has done would push him away because he will see and think that everyone hates him and that he has screwed everything up beyond repair. Is that part it, though?




That IS a risk, no doubt. But the alternative is to let the problem fester and hope that it solves itself. This is a bigger risk, because problems like this do NOT solve themselves. There's no question that it's a bad situation all around. But for true R, there needs to be true remorse and true honesty on the part of the WS. Part of this honesty has to come from taking responsibility for what happened during the affair. That includes exposure.

Going back to my mistake - my stbxw has kind of like the martyr's mentality too (in an odd way.) Also very afraid of losing face. So her solution is to run away from the problem and start fresh - it's almost like she wants to reset her life at age 48. There is NO going back. But part of the problem was we let it fester for almost three years during a false R. By exposing three years ago, we might be in a different place now. OR, we would have saved three years of false R and would already be divorced. Either one is better than what we're doing now.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Exposure really shines light on the darkness... I didn't know the proper way about going through things when I had my DDay but when I exposed what was going on, it really helped.

I did not reconcile with with my wife, but exposure ended her affair at least briefly. ****roaches don't like the light on, they scatter... Exposure may not work. There are no guarantees after DDay, but I found it great for my situation. It allowed me to start gaining confidence and control of my life. I was a wreck before.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

IMO Exposure is not only to break up their affair or call them out. It's to expose their true characters to the public and I agree with MovingAhead...it snaps the BS out of a fog of spiraling despair and bewilderment (I stayed in this 2 years post DD and it cleared immediately when I exposed). It helps to control the duration of the shock. In a way, it's sharing the shock with the public, instead of experiencing the earthquake in the privacy and confines of your own mind. Helps us to recover faster no matter the end result. The result shouldn't matter as much as the acknowledgement and sharing of the sudden damage they have done. Keeping it unexposed is being an accomplice to the affair. They deliberately, selfishly and calculatingly forgot you were in 'the room", where you rightfully should be, and decided to kick you out bleeding. Exposure is your, so to speak - voice, protest, justice for your wrongful eviction from their consciences. The OW in my case, collects charity from 8-5 for unfortunate children and families but does daddies between midnight and dawn (lol! - I can laugh now, wasn't then).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If done right, exposure should be done big time of the AP with the intent of having them drop the WS or at least act less nice to them so that their relationship has to deal with strife. Sand in the gears, sand in the gears.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

RightfulRiskTaker said:


> IMO Exposure is not only to break up their affair or call them out. It's to expose their true characters to the public and I agree with MovingAhead...it snaps the BS out of a fog of spiraling despair and bewilderment. It helps to control the duration of the shock. In a way, it's sharing the shock with the public, instead of experiencing the earthquake in the confines of your own mind.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

This is so true. The real value is that when everyone knows about the adultery it stigmatizes the two affair partners ... and that's a good thing. 

A WW almost certainly would lose a majority of her married friends out of fear that she may hit on their husbands. When the BH shares all his evidence with his father in law, how will that first meeting go between father and daughter? 

Picture the embarrassment when the WH has to tell his mother that not only will he lose his family because of his cheating, but he is also broke up the family of his Affair Partner. I'm sure all of his friends won't be inviting him over for dinner with their wife and kids either.

If it's a work place affair, the exposure can cost either one or both APs their jobs.

Many would say that the above are the reasons not to expose but I say this is why you have to do it.

EDIT: Also, nothing is wrong with a little revenge.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

I've never been big on the whole exposure thing.

"Expose the affair, they will be embarassed, publically humiliated, and the light will come on and the fog will lift, they will realize their huge mistake and come running back into your arms!"

Never seemed to make any sense to me and if divorce is likely, any exposure that may result in a job loss could hurt both parties and any dependent children fiancially down the road.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

RightfulRiskTaker said:


> The OW in my case, collects charity from 8-5 for unfortunate children and families but does daddies between midnight and dawn (lol! - I can laugh now, wasn't then).
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:lol::lol::lol: ^^THIS^^	:lol::lol::lol:


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

PS I told WS that he and his AP were emotional terrorists responsible for my trauma. They understood what i meant when I exposed (because they thought with big grins I am sure, that I bought their lies and everything was copesthetic).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## newlife94 (Aug 11, 2011)

hoping4love said:


> I think what is really tripping me up is that it just seems so counter-productive and counter-intuitive. I mean, I think it would just guilt someone into coming back (if they even come back at all). It just seems that it wouldn't really lift this "fog" so much as make it thicker with resentment.
> 
> Besides that - my husband is a guilty person, he always acts like a martyr and I wonder if exposing him to what he has done would push him away because he will see and think that everyone hates him and that he has screwed everything up beyond repair. Is that part it, though?


Here is my take on it.... either way my marriage was pretty much over. Either I allowed the secrets and I took the blame~since he was telling his family that he wasn't in love with me anymore ..blah blah blah (yeah, I had the "I love you but not in love with you" crap!) OR I expose the divorce for what it was~~he cheated, he left the marriage and that is that. 
Now, for me I exposed it to his family (since they were actually at OUR house when I found out... he was only a week away from coming home from Iraq) and to the POSOW family. There was no way that I was going to hold all of it in and cover up for what they did. I was not going to lie to our children (11, 13 and 15 years old) and I was not going to carry that burden forever that I did something wrong.
Exposure at work- well, I did have to gage that one carefully. I did not want him kicked out of the military because that was not fair to my children that had sacrificed- they earned the benefits and this has been our life for 14 of our 16 years of marriage. 
I do not regret exposure... I only wish I had taken the advice and done it sooner. I waited until I had all the evidence and when I knew it was right for our family though. My ultimate goal was NOT reconciliation. My goal was to bring the truth to light. R is still in progress~ slow but steady. When it all hit him in the face... reality set in. It did not take long. The PA had turned back to EA since she was no longer deployed with him. 
Sorry this is so long. I hope hearing other stories will help you.
Good luck and stay strong.


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## newlife94 (Aug 11, 2011)

hoping4love said:


> I think what is really tripping me up is that it just seems so counter-productive and counter-intuitive. I mean, I think it would just guilt someone into coming back (if they even come back at all). It just seems that it wouldn't really lift this "fog" so much as make it thicker with resentment.
> 
> Besides that - my husband is a guilty person, he always acts like a martyr and I wonder if exposing him to what he has done would push him away because he will see and think that everyone hates him and that he has screwed everything up beyond repair. Is that part it, though?


Here is my take on it.... either way my marriage was pretty much over. Either I allowed the secrets and I took the blame~since he was telling his family that he wasn't in love with me anymore ..blah blah blah (yeah, I had the "I love you but not in love with you" crap!) OR I expose the divorce for what it was~~he cheated, he left the marriage and that is that. 
Now, for me I exposed it to his family (since they were actually at OUR house when I found out... he was only a week away from coming home from Iraq) and to the POSOW family. There was no way that I was going to hold all of it in and cover up for what they did. I was not going to lie to our children (11, 13 and 15 years old) and I was not going to carry that burden forever that I did something wrong.
Exposure at work- well, I did have to gage that one carefully. I did not want him kicked out of the military because that was not fair to my children that had sacrificed- they earned the benefits and this has been our life for 14 of our 16 years of marriage. 
I do not regret exposure... I only wish I had taken the advice and done it sooner. I waited until I had all the evidence and when I knew it was right for our family though. My ultimate goal was NOT reconciliation. My goal was to bring the truth to light. R is still in progress~ slow but steady. When it all hit him in the face... reality set in. It did not take long. The PA had turned back to EA since she was no longer deployed with him. 
Sorry this is so long. I hope hearing other stories will help you.
Good luck and stay strong.


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## brokendown77 (Dec 15, 2012)

Expose. I found that exposing not only put a big wrench in the plans of my wife and posOM, but also made the thoughts of going crazy go away. My wife is a master manipulator and gas lighter, she made me feel insecure and crazy during the heated months of her affair. I became a doormat and thought I was losing my mind, questioning her every move, and trying to figure everything out. Then...I did, I got my evidence, and I exposed, and felt so much better.

Theatricality can be an ally in this time. I made sure to call her first and let her know everything I found. Then I called her family, and then mine and our friends. My goal was to make her feel just as bad as she made me feel the past 6 months. I don't regret exposing because their affair quickly ended and you will see that you are not alone. People will be calling you left and right to make sure you are ok, and all the love that has been missing in your life that you thought you had lost will return in a different form.

Be prepared for the worst however, I exposed to get even and end the affair, not to win my spouse back. Exposing by itself isn't going to get your spouse to crawl right back, but it does give you the upper hand, and you can demand what you want in the relationship, and what needs to happen to continue the marriage. That is the phase I'm currently in. I've set my demands and I'm not backing down from them, but I'm not waiting for her to make a decision, I'm focusing on myself and preparing to move on.

That is the only advice I can give you. Everyone is different, you won't know til you try, but keeping this inside will only drive you nuts and give your husband confidence that he can do it again and you won't tell anyone. Take control, I know it sucks, but you have a lot of support not only on this site, but from your family in friends that will shock you with all the love, support, and honesty they can provide.

Good Luck


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Let me get this straight...His PA became an EA again? - because they are deployed separately now. No I would not even bother to R in this case if I did not expose. Some people do not lose their jobs, they will be reprimanded and separated. Expose to the employer - If there is no chance he and her can be permanently separated, the marriage will not recover. He needs to be a Marine if he is in the Navy.


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## Mrs_Mathias (Nov 19, 2012)

I am a WW, so take this or disregard as you see fit....

For me, I couldn't look at my affair with any sort of accuracy until it had been exposed and Matt had decided to file for D. I fed this ridiculous romantic notion of "being in love with two people" and refused to see the actual pain and betrayal that I was perpetrating on Matt because I was too wrapped up in my own selfishness. Matt actually made me call my parents with him on the phone and detail my affair and sexual experiences with OM to them. That was probably one of the most specific moments that I can point to as a sudden realization as to the truth of what I'd really done, rather than the fantasy.

So expose. Expose, do the 180, make them really look at what they've done without the bullshyte rationalizations, fog, and lies they've packaged it with for themselves. It still hurts and humiliates me daily to look with opened eyes at my life from May-November. But I've learned an incredible amount about myself, have become much more aware of why I made those choices, and I am constantly working to keep that reality in the front of my mind. I NEVER want to be that kind of person ever again, and that means I have to always be vigilant against my own ability to delude myself. 

It will NOT drive them further away than their affair has already done WITHOUT your actions. But it may be the wake up call they need to stop being so selfish and self-destructive. It may not. Everyone reacts differently. But exposure will NOT hurt your relationship more than they already have. And if they tell you it did, they are blameshifting and not wanting to look at themselves and their choices accurately.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

brokendown77 said:


> Expose. I found that exposing not only put a big wrench in the plans of my wife and posOM, but also made the thoughts of going crazy go away. My wife is a master manipulator and gas lighter, she made me feel insecure and crazy during the heated months of her affair. I became a doormat and thought I was losing my mind, questioning her every move, and trying to figure everything out. Then...I did, I got my evidence, and I exposed, and felt so much better.
> 
> Exposing by itself isn't going to get your spouse to crawl right back, but it does give you the upper hand, and you can demand what you want in the relationship, and what needs to happen to continue the marriage.


See now that makes sense.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Cedarman said:


> The odd thing about an affair is the *secrecy*. If it's real - why the secrecy? Why the lies? That's why exposure is usually necessary - to get rid of the secrecy - see if the affair can stand up to the light of day. In most cases, the affair is just a fantasy and exposure kills the illusion. Of course, there are cases where it is an exit affair and just a cowardly way to leave a marriage. And I am sure there are cases where an affair IS a true love and survives (although you rarely hear about these).
> 
> In any case, exposure brings out the truth which is a good thing. I made the mistake of NOT exposing when I discovered my wife's EA (which had morphed into a PA). In hindsight it was a very big mistake.
> 
> *Expose for the truth's sake*.



In my case, I didn't come to learn the full truth of my STBXW's escapades until long after the separation. The separation was largely perpetrated under her misguided and misleading pretenses and assumptions that we were not getting along, and that we needed "space" from each other in order to achieve some form of normalcy in our married relationship. That ultimately equated itself to being nothing more than "a lie" in order to foster the ends of her sordid agenda, which was to have the covert long-distance relationship with her other men. And basically just to get me out of the picture in order to help facilitate her newfound carnal relationship(s).

I haven't yet exposed, much less even told her that I even have knowledge about her trysts, largely upon the advice of my legal counsel. But that will happen whenever the ink is fastly dried upon the divorce decree.

And in just some small way, I really want the exposure to convey the work of letting her family and our mutual friends greatly know that not only is/was she unfaithful to our marriage vows, but is a liar of unheralded proportions as well!


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> In my case, I didn't come to learn the full truth of my STBXW's escapades until long after the separation. The separation was largely perpetrated under her misguided and misleading pretenses and assumptions that we were not getting along, and that we needed "space" from each other in order to achieve some form of normalcy in our married relationship. That ultimately equated itself to being nothing more than "a lie" in order to foster the ends of her sordid agenda, which was to have the covert long-distance relationship with her other men. And basically just to get me out of the picture in order to help facilitate her newfound carnal relationship(s).



My wife's PA was long over, but I did not learn about it until she confessed two weeks AFTER moving out. I didn't know this but during our False R, her toxic friends were still encouraging her by introducing guys to her. When we separated (in Sept), she was interested in a man (15 years younger) that her wonderful friends introduced in August. I learned this all after the fact. So our "trial" separation was similar to yours - in that it was really a way for my stbxw to try her independence. So the first meal she cooked in her condo was not for our daughters or for me (we were amicable at the time of separation) - it was for this POSOM.

I learned about it and contacted this guy - and he claimed that he didn't know she was married and/or thought she had been separated for a long time (instead of 4 days). All BS, of course. He stated that now that he knows, he would not contact her going forward.

I suspect that they're an item (my wife makes a lot of money, is attractive - he is just starting a business/scam) - but haven't bothered to confirm because it doesn't really matter anymore. We're separated - we didn't agree on a "no dating" clause. Our marriage is over. The only thing that matters, is if my stbxw does something that affects our daughters. THEN I get involved. EG - If this guy is ever introduced to my kids before the divorce I will have a lot of issues with it. 

But as it relates to this thread - in hindsight, when we were still married and attempting R (false R) - my mistake was in not exposing her first affair when I thought it was "just" an EA. She did feel like she dodged a bullet by me NOT exposing. When I finally DID expose (after she confessed to the PA years later) - it created all sorts of embarrassment for her - which kind of sealed the deal on our separation. Helped me to move on though....


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

what happens when WH has lied to OW so much that she really believes he has left me for her???? He has made daily attempts to be intimate with me, spend time with me, with no promise of R, because I think he needs to "go with his plan" He said he wanted to move out, so I found him a place and moved him out, he said he wants a divorce but I won't file and neither will he. I believe he is in MLC, OW moved 3000 miles away but travels here every 6 weeks or so.......I confronted her but he has her so wrapped in lies she doesn't believe me. I considered Outing her to her family (sister, mother, father ) she has no husband. What to do to end affair and start the fog lifting except 180 WHICH i AM FINDING REALLY HARD TO DO.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Depends on what you want. Exposure helps blow out some of the fog and fantasy. If you are going for Reconciliation, having everyone around your WS telling them they are making a huge mistake and dumb is a good thing. 

However, if you are shooting for D, a foggy spouse can sometimes be easier... let them continue to believe how awesome they are without you. Speeds up the divorce. 

I’d still expose though after the papers are done... No reason to play nice  and I'd want my name cleared by all our friends and relatives. Easy to see when they are 'magically' with someone else....


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## hoping4love (Jan 14, 2013)

LanieB said:


> Here is my experience about not exposing vs. exposing. The first time I confronted my WH about his affair (D-Day was Aug 2012), I did not expose him (going against a good friend's advice for the same reasons as you, Hoping4Love). WH swore he still loved me, wanted to stay married, would end the affair, blah-blah-blah. Within a week, I knew he was still seeing her (just intuition). I gave it about 3 months, then conducted my own investigation. It only took one day - within the first 30 minutes, actually - to get my first recording of him and the OW. This time, before I confronted him, I called his parents. Then I kicked him out of the house, called a lawyer and filed for divorce.
> 
> When I exposed him, I had no intention of reconciling with him. I didn't care if it pissed him off or not. I finally began to tell others (friends) about why we were getting divorced - and I know the word has spread like wildfire. Knowing WH and how much appearances mean to him, I am sure he is humiliated knowing that people know what he's done. WH immediately began trying to convince me to let him come back home . . . . . and about 3 weeks ago, I finally let him.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the comment, Lanie, but here's the thing. She is making it completely known that they are "together" now. She posts about it on Facebook, she has gotten his mother on her side (likely through lies), and she has talked to a number of MY friends about how my husband chose her and how she now "understands what it feels like to be the other woman." People know about their current relationship. I wonder though, if I should expose the ENTIRE thing. How I found that they were sleeping together while I allowed her to live in my house rent and duty free. Or how before they even left, she made it her mission to try to get as many people against me as possible by lying to them about conversations I had with her.


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## Numbersixxx (Oct 10, 2012)

OzyMan said:


> i would agree with cedarman...
> if your goal is to R, then exposure is a must, and would only lead to a False R in the end if you didnt


It is not just for those that want to R. It's to expose the c0ckroaches to the sunlight and make them face the consequences of their actions. You take from them the moral high ground so they can't manipulate public sympathies against you. Let the world see with what kind of people you are dealing. Call it vengeance, I call it justice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

hoping4love said:


> I think what is really tripping me up is that it just seems so counter-productive and counter-intuitive. I mean, I think it would just guilt someone into coming back (if they even come back at all). It just seems that it wouldn't really lift this "fog" so much as make it thicker with resentment.
> 
> Besides that - my husband is a guilty person, he always acts like a martyr and I wonder if exposing him to what he has done would push him away because he will see and think that everyone hates him and that he has screwed everything up beyond repair. Is that part it, though?


I see it a little different. I agree it seems 50/50 on exposure or not. What I noticed is the results skew much differently.

Out of the threads I have read, non-exposure seems to run at about 75%-80% return posters saying "OMG he/she is still talking to the OM." Or, "<insert number> months/years later I found out there is OM/W contact." Which is usually followed by "no there was no exposure."

I did minimum exposure by tricking information out of the OM and telling my MIL.


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## newlife94 (Aug 11, 2011)

RightfulRiskTaker said:


> Let me get this straight...His PA became an EA again? - because they are deployed separately now. No I would not even bother to R in this case if I did not expose. Some people do not lose their jobs, they will be reprimanded and separated. Expose to the employer - If there is no chance he and her can be permanently separated, the marriage will not recover. He needs to be a Marine if he is in the Navy.


Let me clarify a little: Dec 2010 he deployed- met POSOW. By Jan it was a PA. I found out within a week... I just knew. I started questioning him and he stopped calling home. Completely blew the kids and I off. In March I began getting anonymous emails about the A. That people knew he was up to no good and NOBODY was calling bullsh*t on them. WTF. Anyway, I was here on this board getting advice, wonderful advice and also seeing my chaplain once a week- FOR ME! I was working on me, doing the 180 and only talking to him about the kids.
POSOW left Iraq in early May- which killed the PA because they were now separated. She broke up with him so to speak, told him she was not ready for a relationship and could not be with a married man.... awww, how thoughtful of her. After she left she decided this???? No, she was using him for connections- he is of higher rank and knows the right people. She found the weakest link and so did he. She was recently divorced and looking for attention... blah blah blah. Disgusting.
There is not a chance she will be where we are, she better pray not anyway. They are not even in the same branch of service (and she wants to get out).

Oh, don't get me wrong. I DID expose. His commander heard from me and the only reason she did not start an investigation was because I did not ask her to. She did not because that is not the route I wanted to take. I know everyone in his command all the way to the top- I was even volunteering taking care of other deployed families and I also work for Dept of Defense- so I know the right people that could take them all down with one email. If I were to hit send on one email- many would lose their careers- I just chose not to do it - and not to do it for revenge. The only reason we are in R is because I did expose and I was not shy about it and do NOT regret anyone that I told. 
His co-workers know. He has lost credibility and has to earn that back.
Even today I told him I don't trust him.
There is one POSOW stationed with us right now... but he swears nothing happened, he was only making stuff up to make me jealous. I hope I run into her when I start my new job- we will be offices apart. And my position will be of very high visibility. She will know I am there.


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## AshS (Jan 11, 2013)

hoping4love said:


> I am interested to learn whether or not this has actually worked with anyone. Clearly, I mean to get a spouse to drop the affair and come back home.


I don't want mine to come back home, I just want the affair to end so that the crazy OW is not exposed to my children anymore than she already has been. So my motives are different than yours but I chose to expose. I exposed to family, friends, some co-workers (I can't get stbxh fired, I need his child support-I know you said your kids need your WH's benefits) and it hasn't helped because him & OW are still together.

My problem might be that my stbxh is a narcissist. He has denied the A completely. He has told everyone that I'm crazy & made the whole thing up because I wanted to get a divorce & I didn't want people to think that I failed at my marriage so instead I made up this affair story so that I can put the blame on him, OW is "just a friend".

"Racer" mentioned having your stbx in a fog while going through a divorce may make the process easier...it's the opposite for me. It's absolutely horrible dealing with him acting like he's untouchable because he has this new relationship confidence boosting his ego besides dealing with him the crazy OW is also getting involved I've had to call the police twice on her because of threats she has made to me.

I'm tempted to take my exposure 1 step further but it might be childish and bad for my D. I want to post everything on Cheaterville & Facebook but I'm not sure if this will help or hurt. I'm also tempted to send a flyer to her neighbors to let them know what kind of person they are living near. I was in our neighborhood first & I know she loves our area but she's evil & crazy could she last in our town if everyone knew the truth??

I hope you get the end result you want but I would say be done with him.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I tend to think if he's already living with her and she's talking openly about her relationship with him to family and friends any attempt by you is going to look like the crazy shrew of an ex-wife trying to make trouble. It will be a classis he said/she said and now you're the outsider. Sorry you're going through this. It's not fair.

I always recommend taking the high road wherever possible. Leave him to roll in the gutter with his sperm receptacle.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Agree with MaritimeGuy... Exposure when its already partially in the open won't help you. Proceed with divorce, screenshot the affair, and continue to gather evidence of the direction he's gone. They will continue... document. He thinks how awesome he is and what a good idea. Go ahead and let the fog continue so he will end it sooner.

This removes any strong argument he might have about ‘trying to work it out’, ‘role model’, ‘and his concern about the marriage assets (since he’s spending them on her)’. It feeds ‘abandonment’. And most judges are humans; Infidelity and abandonment also annoys them on a personal level but lying in their court really annoys them. A duck is a duck; You are proving he is a duck. STFU and let him paint it himself.

If you scare him back, he will have documentation showing his efforts... If you provide nasty emails and so forth, you will paint yourself as a “crazy shrew”. You want to paint the picture of being a total victim instead of empathy toward him. That is also why as much as you want to scream and yell, you need to do it in a way that won’t come back up at court.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

I exposed 2 years later. By then, she already had her job base covered - that I am crazy. When I called her HR - they said that I am making allegations and they don't know if what I am doing is "legal". To sum it up, they did not want to hear it. I had been threatening him that I would call her job a whole year prior. When I did, based on their response, I knew they were still in contact with each other and only he could have told her so they could circumvent it ahead of time. 

She even told him I am crazy after I had him call her (while I was with him) to confirm that he told her he was going back to his wife and children (To that question she said: "Why should I answer that?") She said that after telling me "nothing happened" re: their 8 year friendship in which I was slaughtered often and they never saw each other etc. for those 8 years since he left the employ of the company they met at. She said that knowing they had phone sex (how convenient), but yet stated I am the crazy one becasue I won't believe them when they tell me "nothing happened". In addition she threatened to sue me for harrassment after I sent her the very first contact by email. They had 3 - 45 minute phone calls that day and before she responded. He revealed last night that he had told her to send me that email response. Two years later, gaslighting, trickle truth like an avalanche. 

I found TAM too late. Back in a marriage where I don't belong and if I had gotten the trickle truth earlier and exposed right away, I would not be in this place today. Exposure asap, also prevents them from painting you as crazy.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

BTW. I did put it on cheaterville, 6 months later (after call to HR) but my post was removed in 7 days...Apparently she paid a web rep clean-up company to remove it.


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## hoping4love (Jan 14, 2013)

I have done a lot of thinking since posting this and I love the responses that I got. However, I don't think exposure would be the best of things to do in my particular situation. I don't, by any means, consider my situation unique in any way (at least not logically, on occasion I definitely have moments where I feel otherwise), I just kind of feel that the type of OW I am dealing with made sure to have her bases covered before everything went down. 

When she was living with us, she spent a lot of time with our other roommate and, based on the tiny bits of information I have gathered, shortly after they started sleeping together, she started trying to pit everyone in my house against me. Whether it be lying about conversations that her and I had (thankfully, I never delete my text history so I was able to clear that up real quick) to making completely off the wall accusations. She is extremely manipulative - in fact, for a while there, I was under her "spell." She made a constant effort to remove my friends from my life - and she usually succeeded - until she tried to pit my sister and I against each other. Truth be told, I should've seen what she was then - but I was blind to it all. 

I did receive some insider information the other day, though, that informed me that she is miserable, now. She whined about how she "lost half of her family" (referring to mine, by the way), how my husband is completely uninterested in trying to get an apartment with her (they are currently living with her grandmother), and that she has stopped sleeping with him. Needless to say, I am pleased.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

hoping4love said:


> Needless to say, I am pleased.



Living well is the best revenge


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## NotDoneYet (Oct 6, 2012)

Didn't work for me because I did it much too late (3 months) but she was mad enough that I know it would've had a bigger impact had I done it immediately. She's been avoiding certain family members since I did it. Don't be afraid of pushing your husband away though or making him mad - any way his affair gets broken, he's gonna be mad about it. Actually after a few days, my wife even told me she understood why I did it.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

exposure is not used a tactic to "win them back." it's used to shed light on the truth. spouses are getting duped here, people. this is not about vengence or vindictiveness. 

these people have a right to know the true state of their marriage. now..... the extent of the exposure is at the leisure of the BS. but i vehemently agree that the other BS be the first to be informed. if they want to keep it a secret and rugsweep, so be it. they can do whatever they want with the information.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

OzyMan said:


> I tried to expose the affair, but it didn't matter. Talked to OM cause he confronted me on some issues that she lied to him about. In the end, he believed her over me on all the big time lies, so it made no difference as of today (which is when I talked to the OM). Maybe in a the future he will see through her deception... but im not holding my breathe. She can talk a good talk, she fooled me for years!!!


Talking to the OM is not exposing.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> In my case, I didn't come to learn the full truth of my STBXW's escapades until long after the separation. The separation was largely perpetrated under her misguided and misleading pretenses and assumptions that we were not getting along, and that we needed "space" from each other in order to achieve some form of normalcy in our married relationship. That ultimately equated itself to being nothing more than "a lie" in order to foster the ends of her sordid agenda, which was to have the covert long-distance relationship with her other men. And basically just to get me out of the picture in order to help facilitate her newfound carnal relationship(s).
> 
> I haven't yet exposed, much less even told her that I even have knowledge about her trysts, largely upon the advice of my legal counsel. But that will happen whenever the ink is fastly dried upon the divorce decree.
> 
> And in just some small way, I really want the exposure to convey the work of letting her family and our mutual friends greatly know that not only is/was she unfaithful to our marriage vows, but is a liar of unheralded proportions as well!


After reading here I think you would be exposing to end WW affair instead of wasting time.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

cledus_snow said:


> exposure is not used a tactic to "win them back." it's used to shed light on the truth. spouses are getting duped here, people. this is not about vengence or vindictiveness.
> 
> these people have a right to know the true state of their marriage. now..... the extent of the exposure is at the leisure of the BS. but i vehemently agree that the other BS be the first to be informed. if they want to keep it a secret and rugsweep, so be it. they can do whatever they want with the information.


^^^THIS^^^AL OF THIS^^^

I exposed immediately to the BS. The xOM intercepted the emails and pretended to be her and responded to me. I didn't know that until almost 5 months later. 

What he didn't expect was for me to wait 5 weeks and send another email out of the blue. Which she got and promptly divorced his a$$.

His profile on Cheaterville is over 1,000,000 views as of now. He _was_ an attorney. However, as we all know, an attorney is only as good as their name. Google for his name shows Cheaterville as the top return. He is no longer an attorney.

Although, that might be thanks to the anonymous email function that was used to send the link to the top two partners at his firm.

Ooops. :rofl:


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