# Found Condom



## Heartbrokensunfamyo8lower (Nov 13, 2017)

V


----------



## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Why haven't the two of you had sex in months? Your idea or his?


----------



## Heartbrokensunfamyo8lower (Nov 13, 2017)

M


----------



## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

You need to decide if you want to work on your marriage or end it.

From your description, you marriage is at the top of a high cliff. You can go either way. It is still repairable, if you want it to be.

Counselling is a great place to start. It sounds like you could both do with some independent counselling as well as marriage counselling. 

I think him admitting it and showing remorse and how he wants to fix things is a positive step for him. 
He lied because he got busted, but did come clean when he realised that he was just making things worse. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Heartbrokensunfamyo8lower (Nov 13, 2017)

Madame thank you for your positive insight.


----------



## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Heartbrokensunfamyo8lower said:


> Many factors. Health issues, lack of physical closeness, being tired at night, etc. etc.


This is interesting. Has he complained about lack of intimacy, seems like he would have, based upon your comment of him saying since you guys weren't that's why he was thinking about it. That seems odd that he would reject it in anyway. 

I'm glad you had the **lls to put him on his heels by showing him action and that you meant business, something I didn't have and now it's kicking me in the *ss royally and may be my undoing. 

Like it's been said, do you want to save the marriage. Now would be a good time for counseling to talk about the intimacy issues and he'll need to be totally transparent if he wants to earn your trust back. Otherwise, he is feeding you just enough info to make you think he's telling you everything.


----------



## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Just thought I would toss in my reaction to your explanation as to why you have not had sex for months. You are being evasive. 

If you had wanted to have sex none of those things would have stopped you.

Those are excuses you use because you do not want to discuss, or perhaps even know, the real reason you stopped having sex.


----------



## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

He didn't use the condom because he couldn't get lucky. But he was planning on it. 

Haven't had sex because you're tired and other issues? I suspect you weren't having frequent sex for a while now, and 3 months ago translates into 3 or 4 times in the last year?

You both have got to fix this. Doesn't matter who started what....you are now in this situation where your husband is sex starved and on the precipice of cheating (if he hasn't already). You may be attention starved as well, which makes you not want sex. And makes you vulnerable to do the same thing once someone showers you with attention. 

Sexless marriages just don't work. If you want to save it, you've got to work together, put the b.s. behind, and figure it out. At this stage (in order to save it) there just isn't room for complacency, blame, or resentment over things past. You've got to get a spark back and start living as a married couple, and not roommates. Goes for him too. 

Time for a serious talk.


----------



## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

OP, he needs to go. He is a cheater.

Ages? 
Who's kids? 
How many? 

4 years of marriage and at least half of those "rocky". Doesn't sound like much to keep together. 
You are probably doing both of you a favor with a divorce.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Heartbrokensunfamyo8lower said:


> Many factors. Health issues, lack of physical closeness, being tired at night, etc. etc.


 You were asked "Why haven't the two of you had sex in months? Your idea or his?", but tellingly you only answered the why part of the 2 part question, while ignoring the more important "your idea or his?". Based on you not answering, I am guessing that it is more your idea and not your husbands not to be having sex with each other. Am I right?


----------



## GuacaColey (Sep 19, 2017)

Heartbrokensunfamyo8lower said:


> Many factors. Health issues, lack of physical closeness, being tired at night, etc. etc.




Who's health? 
Why aren't you physically close?
Are you sleeping in different beds? 



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Listen up @Heartbrokensunfamyo8lower. Your husband did not cheat on you because he "wasn't a cheating guy". That's a lie and you know it. He intentionally planned to have sex with another woman that night. He purposefully grabbed a condom from the nightstand before leaving the house. He did not succeed because he either lacked the ability to capture a random woman's attention for a ONS or he underestimated the cash needed to hire a hooker for the night. He failed to cheat on you because he *lacked opportunity*. Had some woman bought what he was selling, he would have cheated. Get that through your head. 

Regardless of the status of your marriage, your husband is 100% at fault for his intention to cheat. That is ALL on him. You do _share_ 50% of the blame for the condition of the marriage but don't let anyone tell you it was your fault he went out looking for strange the night of his cousin's wedding. That's called gaslighting. 

You didn't say whether or not he's doing any of the heavy lifting to help you get over the hurt but based on everything you wrote, your husband does not sound remorseful at all. He sounds regretful at getting caught. Big difference. 

I don't think you have much here to work with in your relationship. If you don't have children, then I would throw this one back in the pond.


----------



## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

Bringing a condom with him and it not being used simply means your husband tried to get laid and struck out. It's not as bad as actually cheating, but it's about as close as you can get.


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

marriageontherocks2 said:


> Bringing a condom with him and it not being used simply means your husband tried to get laid and struck out. It's not as bad as actually cheating, but it's about as close as you can get.


 This^

But the bigger question may be: 'How many did he leave with?'


----------



## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

You husband lied about every aspect of this situation. He made up excuses and reasons and thought you would buy it all. Why would he be telling the truth about not being the cheating kind? Answer: he wouldn't. He did not use the condom because he did not have the opportunity. AND....you are assuming he took only one condom. Only one condom was unused. You have no idea how many were taken originally.

You did the right thing moving his stuff out IMO. If he wants to return, he has to earn it, and he has to set up marriage counseling for you guys.

No one lies more than a cheating spouse. He had those lies at the ready. He is practiced. He has probably been lying about other things.


----------



## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Your husband bought the condom along because he was planning to cheat. Its still possible he did cheat. Can you be sure he did not pack two or three condoms and was just left with one left over? Your husband has not shown true remorse. He is remorseful he got busted. Don't forget he initially lied to you about the condom belonging to his cousin. It was only through sheer good luck that you had irrefutable proof through the expiration date that he confessed to his sins.

Now that said your marriage is in huge trouble. You have not had sex for months and your excuse is you are tired, no time etc. Sorry that doesn't pass the pub test. The decison is up to you. Your husband 100% owns his recent actions but you have contributed 50% of the marital sexlessness.

What do you want to do? Fix your marriage or end it?


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

When you deprive your spouse of sex for very long periods of time, you are opening him or her up to sexual temptation. Surely you know this?
He took a condom with him, he didn't use it, he made a mistake and you have made a mistake by not realising how very important sex is in a marriage. There are many people who get tired and have health issues but who still make sex a priority. Having sex brings you closer emotionally as well as physically, so no wonder you feel distant. 

I would go to marriage counselling with him, and both make the effort to make the marriage closer and stronger. It sounds as if things need sorting out with a third party.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Speaking as a Moderator:

Blaming the betrayed spouse for her spouse's choice to seek an extramarital affair is not okay. 

I am seeing first hand what was brought to my attention by another moderator, that there is a distinct difference in how female betrayed spouses are treated when there is a lack of intimacy. I was initially skeptical, but this thread is anecdotal evidence that this moderator was at least partially right.

Denying a spouse intimacy is no reason to cheat. It is a reason to leave. Let's not confuse the two.

Any further victim blaming will result in a 48 hour break from TAM.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Here’s what you should be thinking about:

How many condoms did he bring with him?

Because I can guarantee that he brought more than just the one.

Also, pretty impressive detective work on matching up the batch/expiration date numbers.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I wonder what the chances are that he left the condom for you to find. Was this his attempt at giving you a wake up call?


----------



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

It always amazes me when a spouce denies / rejects their partner and then is suprised when the rejected partner cheats .

Then they minimixe the no sex like its no big deal. I was tired ,I wasn't feeling close, too busy.

I am not saying cheaters are right in any way shape or form. I just can't help but think to myself that rejecting the person who your suposed to love above all others seems counter productive.

I have thought about cheating many times. Fantasized about it, but in the long run I wasn't able to do it. Maybe because I'm week. I don't know but even thought I have resentment towards my wife I just can't or won't do it.

I don't think your husband cheated. Maybe if he had the chance he would have. 

Maybe this could be the wake up call you both need to either $hit or get off the pot.

Because a sexually starved marriage sucks big time! And if for what ever reason you don't desire him anymore or care to put the hard work into keeping your marriage sexual and loving the for crying out loud just end it.


I know you wern't feeling loved or appreciated but I bet he wasn't either.

Men feel loved and appreicated when their wife shows some desire, 

And women feel it by their husband showing it by telling them how much they appreicate them and doing the little things that shows they are in tune with their feelings.

Most couples don't do very good at pulling that off. But with pratice kindness and compromise they can get closer and closer.

So whats it going to be a stalemate until it it time to stick a fork in it or effort on both parts to rekindle something worth being married for?


Good luck in which ever wat you decide to roll.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> Speaking as a Moderator:
> 
> Blaming the betrayed spouse for her spouse's choice to seek an extramarital affair is not okay.
> 
> ...


Of course its no reason to cheat(which this man may well not have done anyway). Even if my husband never wanted sex again I am not going to cheat, but in a marriage were there is no sex, the temptations are always stronger. 
I doubt this man did cheat, he may have taken the condom just in case and thought better of it, but its all highlighted deep issues in the marriage, one of which is no sex, that can hopefully now be sorted out.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> Speaking as a Moderator:
> 
> Blaming the betrayed spouse for her spouse's choice to seek an extramarital affair is not okay.
> 
> ...


You gave it the Ol' college try Far, but it just doesn't work on TAM.


----------



## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

I haven't had sex in seven years and would not cheat and if H had cheated anywhere along the way he would have gotten the instant boot. After we're divorced I'll worry about sex. Lack of sex is a symptom not a cause of the problems in a marriage. I cannot believe what I'm reading. Treat the cause of the symptom by cheating? Come on.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Heartbrokensunfamyo8lower said:


> Long story short. My husband of 4 years went to his cousins wedding this past weekend, as he was in the wedding party. I decided to stay home with the kids because it was out of state and a huge stress to travel.
> He returned home and threw his clothes from the wedding in the washer. When I was transferring them to the dryer, I found in the bottom of the washer an unopened condom. (They were exactly like the ones we have but we haven’t had sex in months)
> I took a picture of the condom and texted him about it because our kids were around. He claimed that it was his cousins and that his cousin asked him to hold it for him because his fiancé came to the bar unexpectedly.
> I asked my husband why it was the same exact brand and color condom. He said that those condoms are popular and easily accessible by everyone in stores.
> ...



Life has many ups and downs.


But you never let the sex and intimacy drop to once every few months. That's a disaster waiting to happen.


Yes, he finally admitted to taking the condom and yes, he would of had sex with another woman if she would of pursued him at the wedding. But that never happened, right?


If he has a history of sexting, going to bars, pubs, parties, meeting other ladies, etc. then throwing his stuff into the truck is a no brainer.


But if that's not who he really is, he may not of actually touched another woman, hence the unopened condom and you have an opportunity to make or break the marriage.


Why is the sex and intimacy 1x every few months?


What can happen to change that?


When men are sexually starved by their wives/gf's, eventually........you know.


Men are very visually and physically stimulated = sex.


----------



## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

I feel sorry for the OP coming here looking for help and having all these judgments tossed at her ASSUMING she "neglected the ****". Jeez, poor lady.

As a newer poster here, some of the bitterness trips me out.

It's not your fault that your husband is an opportunist and saw a social gathering as an opportunity to get laid. Funny how some seem to be assuming that he was looking to cheat because of not enough sex.
A person can get laid every day and still cheat because cheating isn't always about sex. 
How does anyone know that he hasn't been cheating the WHOLE TIME HE'S BEEN MARRIED? Some people with low self esteem screw around a lot to feel better about themselves. 

That's what is so upsetting about discovering infidelity....you have to realize that your perception has been wrong and that everything in the relationship can be a potential lie. Not to mention the bash your self esteem takes. 

I think it's good that you've drawn the line...as in you were persistent, instead of taking the easy road of denial, and you're letting him know this ain't okay with you. 

You definitely need time to think of the pros and cons of ending your marriage- if that is the course you do decide to take. In this situation, personally I would need "time away" from him to think. 

Good luck to you whatever you decide to do. You seem like a strong person who won't let yourself be dumped on. I admire that


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Rather than leaving us to our assumptions, OP, maybe you can help to clarify the reasons you two have not been intimate in a while. Without truth and facts, even from just your side, posters will form their own conclusions.


----------



## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

It is my opinion he has not "come clean", so to speak.

Since you had to do detective work to discover some of what may have been going on, and he gave you lies, and more lies, and then a bit of truth, and maybe a bit more, it is highly unlikely you have the correct story now.

I suppose my observation in my post was just about your one statement regarding your sex life before you discovered your husband was such a low life because I feel it is so obvious your husband is a liar and not to be trusted, so I did not speak to that.

Everything depends on what you wish to do from here.

Edited for clarity.


----------



## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

This is not a public forum. The first amendment has no bearing.

How people get so confused on that issue is beyond me.


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

inmyprime said:


> Is this a good idea? This goes completely against the First Amendment: everyone should have a right to express an opinion even though someone else might not agree with it and even though it's maybe wrong or even stupid._ I don't think moderation should be used to control content and what people write as a means to punish someone (or a whole group of people) of a different opinion._
> 
> Having said that of course I don't agree that lack of intimacy in a marriage entitles someone to go and have sex with someone else. (I don't think anyone said it that explicitly nor is it *what actually happened!*). But someone acting in this manner _could_ be a result of an ailing marriage: why can't this be acknowledged? It doesn't mean that the husband was *right* to fish for sex or thinking fishing for sex.
> 
> ...


I'm reasonably sure the moderators and the admins don't care what you think. You agreed to a terms of use to register for this site, and they think blaming a bs for a ws's actions breaks that terms of use agreement. 

Did you take a vow to God in front of family and friends not to punch a guy in the face? Two completely different infractions.
There are a lot of folks who really suck at analogies online and should possibly just refrain from trying to use them. It's like if you want pancakes for breakfast but you got robbed at the gas station because the barometer dropped.... it's just like that.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

With all due respect, I think this discussion was key to what is going on in the OP's marriage, and to her future. 

Her spouse appears to have been planning to cheat - whether or not he did, or if he didn't why he didn't is unclear. 

A lot period of time without sex is a strong motivation to cheat. Whether or not there is "blame", I believe that if that motivation continues, he will cheat in the future. 

I have personally contemplated cheating on multiple occasions - it was ENTIRELY because I did not have an adequate sex life at home. 




farsidejunky said:


> Speaking as a Moderator:
> 
> Blaming the betrayed spouse for her spouse's choice to seek an extramarital affair is not okay.
> 
> ...


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@inmyprime, 

I'm doing a short threadjack to respond to your comment about the First Amendment. The First Amendment does not ever imply that people are allowed to say anything they want anywhere they want; rather, it says that CONGRESS shall not... abridge the freedom of speech or of the press. If you'd like you can read it for yourself here: https://www.usconstitution.net/xconst_Am1.html 

The difference is that if someone owns something--let's say a business or a website--then they have the right to say what they do and do not want to have said or written on their property. When I am in a business, CONGRESS can not limit my speech in that business, but the person who owns the business can say that they will only do business with people who don't swear (for example). Likewise on a forum, we all agree to the forum rules (you can find TAM's rules here: Talk About Marriage - Forum Rules). That means that the forum owners, or moderators who act on the behalf of the forum owners, can limit what is said on this forum when it breaks a forum rule. And the last line says it all! [/threadjack]

That being said, @Heartbrokensunfamyo8lower I would think that packing your husband's things and leaving them in his truck probably was a swift kick in the backside that opened his eyes to the fire he's been playing with. Even if you've been a big ol' meanie and denied him sex, that still does not justify adultery! He had the choice to do the right thing either way: a) he could have spoken to you and said "lack of sex is a deal-breaker for me, honey, so we need to work this out" or b) he could have decided that he had already spoken to you and just end it fair and square. Neither of those are HAPPY options, but they are at least moral. Choosing adultery is completely immoral and unjustified. 

If you want to save the marriage, I would say that counseling is pretty much a requirement for both of you at this point, as both of you created an environment that was killing the marriage, and you'd be wise to learn how to nurture you relationship. On the other hand, if you don't want to save the marriage, I say at least be honest with yourself and your husband, and just file. I personally usually recommend doing all you can do to honor your vow, but after you've done everything you can do and there's no reciprocation, then you know the marriage is fatally broken and filing is just a formality.


----------



## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

..


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Rubix Cubed said:


> I'm reasonably sure the moderators and the admins don't care what you think. You agreed to a terms of use to register for this site, and they think blaming a bs for a ws's actions breaks that terms of use agreement.
> 
> Did you take a vow to God in front of family and friends not to punch a guy in the face? Two completely different infractions.
> There are a lot of folks who really suck at analogies online and should possibly just refrain from trying to use them. It's like if you want pancakes for breakfast but you got robbed at the gas station because the barometer dropped.... it's just like that.


Haha, it's not quite like that. One is _thinking_ of breaking the vows and the other is _thinking_ of breaking the law  The analogy depends on both scenarios involving _thinking_, but not _doing_ anything about it. Some analogies do suck, especially the ones that people don't get. :wink2:


----------



## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I can say... Before I got married I told my wife sex was the cornerstone of marriage. Without constant great sex there would be no marriage. I could understand issues beyond our control, but I would not tolerate a choice to not have sex.

We have had tons of problems, that is for sure, but lack of sex is not one of them. Through all our problems we have had lots of great sex. We will celebrate our 44th anniversary in a month.

If you want to save your marriage you have to fix your sex life. No excuses. 

But your husband should have made an issue about it, and he should NOT have gone skulking around either actually cheating or just trying to cheat. 

I must admit I am quite surprised at the people who attempt to justify your husbands actions. The only reasonable action for a spouse to take if they feel they aren't getting enough sex is to inform their spouse of that fact, and then file for a divorce if no satisfactory resolution is reached. 

My wife never said no, no matter what, so I never had to show her just how serious I was about how important sex was to me. But I never would have snuck around secretly. No one should ever do that.

You need to think about where you want to go from here.

Good luck.


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Affaircare said:


> @inmyprime,
> 
> I'm doing a short threadjack to respond to your comment about the First Amendment. The First Amendment does not ever imply that people are allowed to say anything they want anywhere they want; rather, it says that CONGRESS shall not... abridge the freedom of speech or of the press. If you'd like you can read it for yourself here: https://www.usconstitution.net/xconst_Am1.html
> 
> The difference is that if someone owns something--let's say a business or a website--then they have the right to say what they do and do not want to have said or written on their property. When I am in a business, CONGRESS can not limit my speech in that business, but the person who owns the business can say that they will only do business with people who don't swear (for example). Likewise on a forum, we all agree to the forum rules (you can find TAM's rules here: Talk About Marriage - Forum Rules). That means that the forum owners, or moderators who act on the behalf of the forum owners, can limit what is said on this forum when it breaks a forum rule. And the last line says it all! [/threadjack]


Thanks for clarifying this. Just to be even clearer: which forum rule is broken when a view point is expressed? (the view point in this case being that the intent to cheat can be rooted in some underlying problems within the marriage; perhaps expressed poorly).
It's nice to be able to have discussions and disagreeing with people even if sometimes those are heated discussions: I imagine that's what would increase traffic for the site under normal circumstances (and that's what the TAM owners would want? I hadn't realized it's the moderators who own TAM). 

The husband was clearly in the wrong and a coward for not facing the issues head on with his wife in the first place. However, I think that if there was strong intent to fix the marriage, perhaps his belongings wouldn't have ended on the truck immediately.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> Life has many ups and downs.
> 
> 
> But you never let the sex and intimacy drop to once every few months. That's a disaster waiting to happen.
> ...


As a man, I can say, no. I don't know. Because not having sexual congress with your spouse is *no*t an excuse for....... you know.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> As a man, I can say, no. I don't know. Because not having sexual congress with your spouse is *no*t an excuse for....... you know.



I agree but we still don't know why the sex in their marriage is every few months and why it was rocky.....do we?


That would answer a lot of questions instead of blaming him 100%......


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Rubix Cubed said:


> I'm reasonably sure the moderators and the admins don't care what you think. You agreed to a terms of use to register for this site, *and they think blaming a bs for a ws's actions breaks that terms of use agreement.
> *


So is there actually a rule like this in the T&Cs? (nobody allowed blaming a bs for ws's actions). 
If there is, it would be useful to know (not that I am planning to blame anyone).
And: if there is, it hasn't been broken *in this thread* because the husband has not actually cheated (which doesn't exonerate him from _thinking_ of cheating).


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

inmyprime said:


> Is this a good idea? This goes completely against the First Amendment: everyone should have a right to express an opinion even though someone else might not agree with it and even though it's maybe wrong or even stupid. I don't think moderation should be used to control content and what people write as a means to punish someone (or a whole group of people) of a different opinion.
> 
> Having said that of course I don't agree that lack of intimacy in a marriage entitles someone to go and have sex with someone else. (I don't think anyone said it that explicitly nor is it *what actually happened!*). But someone acting in this manner _could_ be a result of an ailing marriage: why can't this be acknowledged? It doesn't mean that the husband was *right* to fish for sex or thinking fishing for sex.
> 
> ...


Moderator clarification:-

The First Amendment is irrelevant as TAM is a private entity, therefore outside the purview of the First Amendment.


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Moderator clarification:-
> 
> The First Amendment is irrelevant as TAM is a private entity, therefore outside the purview of the First Amendment.


Yes, I got it now. I thought that because the forums can be read publicly, for everyone to see, the freedom of expressing one's opinion is encouraged in the same way as the spirit in which the first amendment was written.


----------



## Hexagon (Jun 20, 2017)

Anytime that the ex and I didn't have sex (that would go on more than normal) the last thing I would think was, "I'll just go get my own if she won't do it". 
Its a partnership. If she isn't getting any than either am I.
Water is wet and the sky is blue. This was without argument as far as I was concerned. 

Something else I noticed in the affair world....
If you have to ask for an explination, you're not going to get the whole truth. 
I would almost bet that:
a. He took one and struck out.
b. He took more than one and used all but one.
I'm betting A.

Still....set all of that aside.
There is no excuse for cheating.
None.
This rings ESPECIALLY true if you were not confronted before hand on his feelings.

I would like you to entertain this hypothetical if you would. 
Lets say you didn't find that condom.
He remembered at the last minute to hide it, throw it away, ....whatever.
Would you have ever known what he was planning to do to your life?
Lets say that whatever excuse, because thats what it is, whatever excuse he was using to justify this continued.
Then what?
Pfffft....not the cheating type.
He used that line? Ha!
If he wasn't the cheating type, he wouldn't have taken a condom. 
How long before he "was" the cheating type? 

If he makes no effort into fixing whatever he deems serious grounds for cheating, before he cheats, that should speak volumes. 
Cheating destroys lives and he was going to destroy yours.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Any spouse can cheat, and with a bit of effort can make it invisible. This is 2017 and Chicago, or Topeka, or Phoenix, not the village from Little House on the Prairie. Just like any spouse can justify anything and actually make some sense.

When people make any decisions about their marriage that impact both sides, they are taking risks. A friend of wife's divorced her husband - nice earner - because he bought an 80k sports car using "their money". Now nice earner has a trophy wife and wife's friend a leaky basement and little money to fix it.

Such events are wake up calls and should be treated as such, especially for people who struggle with communication. That doesn't in itself justify cheating, but then no single event ever does.


----------



## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

OP, my H cheated repeatedly and blamed it entirely on our infrequent sex life. It was during the danger years of our marriage, when I was having babies and he was climbing the career ladder. Our marriage was a hot bed of resentment - him because he expected more frequent sex, me because I expected more empathy and emotional support. We were both in the wrong as far as our marriage problems were concerned and our communication skills were awful, but he was 100% in the wrong for his cheating. You are not to blame for his cheating, don't let anyone tell you that. 

I have a friend who told me years ago that her H told her that if their sex life didn't improve that he was going to consider finding someone else who would make it a priority because that was what he expected from a wife. I was appalled at the time, but now I actually respect his honesty. There are so many alternatives to cheating, but all of them require honesty and courage. My H had neither. It remains to be seen if your H does, but if you think he's being truly remorseful and you still love him, then maybe it's worth trying to see if you can both begin anew. BTW, my friend and her H are still together and very happy.


----------



## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

How can he be remorseful when she had to discover the issue with detective work?

My wife had an affair, yes. But she did tell me as soon afterwards, according to everything I have been able to discover, as was possible. She could have kept it secret and I would have probably never discovered it, but she confessed immediately. That is one of the only reasons we are still together.

That and the fact Mary suffered through two years of hell I put her through afterwards.


----------



## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Heartbrokensunfamyo8lower said:


> Long story short. *My husband of 4 years* went to his cousins wedding this past weekend,
> 
> *I decided to stay home with the kids*
> 
> ...



Just that we are all clear and before speculation gets way out of hand. 

OP, has not made another post since the first one.


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Windwalker said:


> Just that we are all clear and before speculation gets way out of hand.
> 
> OP, has not made another post since the first one.


She made three on this thread, starting the thread today.


----------



## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

inmyprime said:


> She made three on this thread, starting the thread today.


Yes, but what information was added?
Not enough to justify some of the speculation.


----------



## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

He's not remorseful and he'll be looking to do this again. What he did was wrong, make no mistake. If he's having issues with the person he promised to be loyal to, he either needs to address those issues or end the marriage. Cheating is just plain wrong, and lack of intimacy is no excuse for doing it. 

That being said, it's wrong to withhold intimacy from your spouse without any kind of explanation. Meeting your spouse's needs, physical and emotional, should be one of the very top priorities a person has. 

Frankly, I feel his wrongdoing was greater than yours. But if you want to save your marriage, you need to address both of the above issues.


----------



## Heartbrokensunfamyo8lower (Nov 13, 2017)

We had a traumatic miscarriage recently. That?s all I have to say regarding our sex life.


----------



## Heartbrokensunfamyo8lower (Nov 13, 2017)

I just created this profile today and honestly didn?t think I would have this much response. I?m still learning how to use this site..


----------



## Heartbrokensunfamyo8lower (Nov 13, 2017)

Thank you for your advice!


----------



## Heartbrokensunfamyo8lower (Nov 13, 2017)

Thank you for your positivity!!


----------



## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Given this, the only advice I can think of is to divorce, and live single.

I do think being single should be considered a viable and reasonable way of life. 

I wish you good fortune.


----------



## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

It's tough to overcome traumatic things. At the very least, maybe that would give a reason for his behavior. Not an excuse, just a reason. If the marriage is rocky AND your husband is looking to cheat AND you aren't having sex AND he is so stupid to leave the condom in his pants in the wash AND he blamed it on his cousin, who has a fricken fiance, I'd just simply...gtfo


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Heartbrokensunfamyo8lower said:


> We had a traumatic miscarriage recently. That?s all I have to say regarding our sex life.


When traumatic events strike a family, unfortunately not many couples manage to overcome them together; instead of holding together and supporting each other, many tend to blame and develop resentment towards each other or look for some kind of an outlet...

Having said that, your husband was still wrong hiding an unused condom in his pants...


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

CuddleBug said:


> What people aren't realizing, is that a relationship / marriage is.............50 / 50.
> 
> 
> Cause and effect.
> ...


What a load of codswallop! I am amazed at the double standards on this thread.

1. The OP's H is a cheater, plain and simple, so many of you are splitting hairs, the INTENT was there to step out on his marriage, he just didn't have the opportunity.

2. The OP is NOT responsible for her WH's intent or actions regardless of the state of the marriage.

It is amazing how when women cheat on their H's the amount of flak they get but very rarely does anyone ever give the H flack for his emotional neglect and failure to meet his wife's needs which would be contributing factors to her cheating. 
Yet on here the OP is drawing flack about the lack of sex.
Her husband's actions are totally on him and him alone. 

The state of their marriage is of course 50/50 but stop equating lack of sex as a rationalisation for cheating. A line has to be drawn somewhere. 
If this is the logic used then any wife who is emotionally neglected by her husband can rationalise away cheating too.


----------



## Heartbrokensunfamyo8lower (Nov 13, 2017)

Thank you for your insight and well wishes


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

aine said:


> What a load of codswallop! I am amazed at the double standards on this thread.


I think I know what it is (sorry for a quick TJ). @EleGirl mentioned that there are more men posting than women on TAM and at the same time expressed frustration regarding this and the fact that women don't get enough adequate support from other women. 
I think that often men don't feel 'qualified' or comfortable enough to offer support to women. I often am careful how to reply to a post posted by a woman because I worry I might say something wrong or stupid or insensitive (or all three) by mistake and the woman may not be so comfortable/overwhelmed when many men reply to her problem: the fact is, it IS easier for a guy to relate to a guy problem and vice versa it doesn't mean we don't empathise with women just that maybe we expect there will be more women doing that (but there aren't).
I am not sure what the solution is. 
I try blaming men for plenty of things (mainly for playing the victim, that's usually a classic). So neither men OR women like me here.

Anyway, about the OP: I do hope that it's possible to work it out and not break up the marriage (unless OP came for confirmation of what she has already decided to do). I know what he did was wrong, but is it worth it breaking up a marriage over intentions/thoughts? I would first at least try counselling. If it doesn't work, you can always break up...


----------



## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

MAJDEATH said:


> You have to look at the positive aspects of this. He cared enough about you to not place you in the dangerous situation of getting an STD from sex with him (whenever it is that you do finally have sex again). He also had forethought to prevent any unwanted/unplanned children, which was also looking out for your best interests as you would be affected by loss of household income to pay for child support, him having to spend time away from home transporting the bastard child to the mother, and an increase to your household budget to provide for the child.


barf


----------



## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Rubix Cubed said:


> Did you take a vow to God in front of family and friends not to punch a guy in the face? Two completely different infractions.
> 
> There are a lot of folks who really suck at analogies online and should possibly just refrain from trying to use them. *It's like if you want pancakes for breakfast but you got robbed at the gas station because the barometer dropped*.... it's just like that.


:laugh:I needed a good laugh tonight! Thanx Rubix!


----------



## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

MAJDEATH said:


> You have to look at the positive aspects of this. He cared enough about you to not place you in the dangerous situation of getting an STD from sex with him (whenever it is that you do finally have sex again). He also had forethought to prevent any unwanted/unplanned children, which was also looking out for your best interests as you would be affected by loss of household income to pay for child support, him having to spend time away from home transporting the bastard child to the mother, and an increase to your household budget to provide for the child.


What a considerate husband! He should get a medal! ( @Herschel , MAJ was being sarcastic, I think.)


----------



## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

In my humble opinion, sometimes people come up with some very bad ideas, and they seem very logical at the time. Upon reflection, we decide that the idea really was stupid and we nix that idea. Your husband felt lonely and thought he might cheat. He reflected on what that means and never acted on it. I am not defending your husband in any way, but I too have come up with some crazy ideas and later had to reflect on why I even entertained the notion. Mine was never about cheating, but some were profoundly stupid and potentially hurtful.

It seems that your marriage has taken a hit since your miscarriage. It's understandable. We miscarried with our first pregnancy (17 years ago) and it was one of the hardest times of my life. A good dose of marriage counseling could do you both some good. He especially needs IC to determine why he even entertained the notion to cheat. IC might help you as well.

You have every reason to be hurt by this betrayal. Can your marriage be saved? Assuming he is remorseful and works to fix his way of thinking, then yes. But it's up to you to decide if this is something you want to fix. Adding intamacy back to your relationship will be difficult, but it's a vital part of any relationship and should be treated as such. 

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Heartbrokensunfamyo8lower said:


> We haven’t had sex for a few months and have had a rocky marriage the last couple of years but the condom situation has me thinking of divorcing.





Heartbrokensunfamyo8lower said:


> We had a traumatic miscarriage recently. That?s all I have to say regarding our sex life.


Heartbroken, I am very sorry to hear of the loss of your child. That is a traumatic experience that takes time to get through and get healing. Clearly in this process, you and your husband have drifted apart and he does not understand what has been happening. He thought that you didn't love him anymore.

That is no excuse to cheat. It is foolish that he did not talk to you about this and try to resolve it. Instead he decided to cheat and then lie about it. Frankly, unless you counted the condoms in the box and know only one is missing, you should not assume that he is now telling you the truth. Clearly there was intend before he even left town.

You have a lot to overcome if you want to try to resolve the issues between you and your husband, but based on what you have told us, there are huge communication issues in the marriage that neither of you has tried to resolve. Sure you've communicated to him now that he stepped over your boundary, but if you want to try to save your marriage, you are going to have to face your pain and walk through it and to work through the issues between you and your husband as well.

But - your husband needs to find out why he thought it was okay to cheat on you rather than to face his problems and work through them and to properly communicate his loving care for his wife along with communicating his distress over the lack of sex. It is a character flaw to cheat. Character is difficult to change, but it can be done if someone realizes there is a problem and is willing to face their dysfunction and change to a better mode of operation. In order for you to trust him, he would have to prove himself to you.

If you are afraid to have sex, there are some things you can do to help your husband sexually. They aren't complicated, but they will make him feel better that you are taking his needs into account.

I wrote an article about how to determine if you will be able to trust him again. Maybe it will be of help to you: Can You Ever Trust Him Again? | The Feminine Review: Homemaking, Family and the World


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I'm very sorry. Did your husband and you adequately grieve the loss? Such an event can really take a toll on a marriage, as you are now seeing the possible fallout.

How far along were you, if you don't mind my asking? It doesn't make the loss any less valid, but I'm thinking about the recuperation time.

There can be a long and invasive healing process, and it can really test your emotional resilience.


----------



## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Hexagon said:


> .....
> 
> Something else I noticed in the affair world....
> If you have to ask for an explination, you're not going to get the whole truth.
> ...


OR:

c. He took one, but decided he did not need to use it because she was on the pill. Perhaps he even knew her and thus trusted her saying that she did not have any STD.

There could be more to the story ... he did not tell the truth in the beginning.


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Where did you get that going alone was his idea? I was actually thinking she was the one who didn’t want to go. Perhaps I was projecting as my wife was the only wife in my extended family to not return to my hometown for my grandfathers funeral in September.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Not to split hairs, but to clarify what I was trying to say. I thought it was very odd for him to agree to go to the wedding alone. Perhaps it is me who was projecting, as I hate going to weddings and assume that other guys hate it as well. Usually I go to these big family events to keep the women in my world happy. Now when you combine that thinking with packing a condom. It really sounds like something was planned, but there are other explanations. but I don't want to go chasing down those rabbit holes. his cover story for this doesn't fit.

It is incredibly simple to dispose of an unopened condom. The concept that it was still in his pocket when he got home is saying something as well. If he did feel some guilt, or if he was trying to hide something this would have been very easy to avoid. But that is also just another rabbit hole.

The real question is, "at this point when grief and trauma are fresh on the minds, is this a good time to make a hasty and permanent decision?


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

donny64 said:


> He didn't use the condom because he couldn't get lucky. But he was planning on it.


 *^^^^^ Bingo ^^^^^*


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

MAJDEATH said:


> You have to look at the positive aspects of this. He cared enough about you to not place you in the dangerous situation of getting an STD from sex with him (whenever it is that you do finally have sex again). He also had forethought to prevent any unwanted/unplanned children, which was also looking out for your best interests as you would be affected by loss of household income to pay for child support, him having to spend time away from home transporting the bastard child to the mother, and an increase to your household budget to provide for the child.


In all fairness, you've chosen to stay with a cheating wife if I remember correctly. Do you honestly not SEE how jaded your world view has become in order to accept having settled for staying with a cheater? 

The fact that Casanova was looking to get lucky at his cousin's wedding REEKS of premeditation. REEKS of it. Would you really have the OP believe that she can at least feel 'fortunate' that her cheating husband was being _considerate_ by using a condom and avoiding STDs and unwanted pregnancies, because he was thinking of HER?

My ass.

Who are we *kidding*? HE doesn't want an STD or an unwanted pregnancy to have to deal with anymore than the OP would. Truth be told, not only did he want to avoid STDs and pregnancies, but he ALSO wanted to avoid getting caught - and an STD and/or order for child support would have blown the lid off his dirty little secret.

Everything he DID was self-serving from start to finish.

But another poster raised a VERY good point - how does anyone know he only brought ONE condom? He could have taken 2 and only used the one, having an extra to bring home. Finding this one condom in his laundry is NOT iron clad proof that he didn't get lucky over the weekend. It could just mean he didn't get lucky TWICE.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

inmyprime said:


> Yes, I got it now. I thought that because the forums can be read publicly, for everyone to see, the freedom of expressing one's opinion is encouraged in the same way as the spirit in which the first amendment was written.


Nah. In a nutshell, the First Amendment to the Constitution of The United States of America boils down to governments in the United States can't throw you in jail for speaking out against the US government.

Let's also not forget that this site is actually based in Canada, so not governed by US Law and Constitution, and also has readers and participants from countries all over the globe that the First Amendment to the Constitution of The United States of America does not even remotely apply to as they are well, not The United State of America.


----------



## GuacaColey (Sep 19, 2017)

fightforher said:


> OR:
> 
> 
> 
> c. He took one, but decided he did not need to use it because she was on the pill. Perhaps he even knew her and thus trusted her saying that she did not have any STD.



This is the most disgusting of all possibilities 🤢



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Heartbrokensunfamyo8lower (Nov 13, 2017)

I agree. I?m disgusted by it all. The act of taking one (possibly more) & the lie about it. He still has all of his things in his truck and he comes home in the evening to eat dinner with the kids and I and then leaves once they go to bed (he is able to sleep in his office) I told him that?s the arrangement for now and that I need space to absorb all of this and figure out my next move. Thank you all for your insight (negative & positive) I don?t feel comfortable telling family or friends so that is why i came here.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Mr. Nail said:


> Not to split hairs, but to clarify what I was trying to say. I thought it was very odd for him to agree to go to the wedding alone. Perhaps it is me who was projecting, as I hate going to weddings and assume that other guys hate it as well. Usually I go to these big family events to keep the women in my world happy. Now when you combine that thinking with packing a condom. It really sounds like something was planned, but there are other explanations. but I don't want to go chasing down those rabbit holes. his cover story for this doesn't fit.
> 
> It is incredibly simple to dispose of an unopened condom. The concept that it was still in his pocket when he got home is saying something as well. If he did feel some guilt, or if he was trying to hide something this would have been very easy to avoid. But that is also just another rabbit hole.
> 
> The real question is, "at this point when grief and trauma are fresh on the minds, is this a good time to make a hasty and permanent decision?


Perhaps he forgot where he put the third condom?


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dear OP;

Many times people in marriages "test" themselves. For example, going out of town, having a condom in their pocket and flirting with a strange woman they find attractive.

TAM is full of stories about a spouse going out, having a few drinks and then "one thing lead to another."

What that usually means was that the wayward spouse was thinking about cheating and put themself in a compromising position, but told themself that they wouldn't follow through, when subconsciously they wanted to cheat. 

Your H was having a battle between his conscious and subconscious. If he only took one condom, the part of his brain that values marriage to you won.

Whatever happened, you have a wake up call. Do you want to stay married to him or not. If you do, then the two of you need to rebuild your marriage, and it will take change on the part of both of you.

Good lick.


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> In all fairness, you've chosen to stay with a cheating wife if I remember correctly. Do you honestly not SEE how jaded your world view has become in order to accept having settled for staying with a cheater?
> 
> The fact that Casanova was looking to get lucky at his cousin's wedding REEKS of premeditation. REEKS of it. Would you really have the OP believe that she can at least feel 'fortunate' that her cheating husband was being _considerate_ by using a condom and avoiding STDs and unwanted pregnancies, because he was thinking of HER?
> 
> ...


The only thing he really WANTED was to get some strange.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Seems like time for the polygraph advice.

OP. Your going to be hurt and unsure until you know what happened now and in the past (if these thoughts haven't already been questioned they will most likely )

So you sit him down tell him you want to believe him, you want to work on the marriage and get to more intimacy (only if that's true). Tell him since he broke your trust and then lied and continued to lie you'll need him to take a polygraph where you ask questions about the trip and his fidelity in the past. If he's telling you the truth about What happened then you'll seek counseling to improve the marriage.

Half the time you don't even get to the test before they start telling you the truth. But I'd schedule one and go through with it.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

It really sounds like you'd both be better off away from each other. You're not that into him. He's not trustworthy, and doesn't like being alone. Do you work? Would you be able to support yourself if you divorced and had 50/50 custody of the kids?


----------



## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

I find it odd that he "forgot" about the condom and left it in the laundry to be found by the OP. No dedicated cheater would ever be so dumb. There were also a bunch of family members around, which is not the best environment to try to "hook-up". I think it is a cry for help that the H wanted her to find the condom, so that a decision could be made on the 500 pound elephant in the room - no sexual connection between 2 married people.


----------



## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Araucaria said:


> What a considerate husband! He should get a medal! ( @Herschel , MAJ was being sarcastic, I think.)


Yes I was.


----------



## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> In all fairness, you've chosen to stay with a cheating wife if I remember correctly. Do you honestly not SEE how jaded your world view has become in order to accept having settled for staying with a cheater?
> 
> The fact that Casanova was looking to get lucky at his cousin's wedding REEKS of premeditation. REEKS of it. Would you really have the OP believe that she can at least feel 'fortunate' that her cheating husband was being _considerate_ by using a condom and avoiding STDs and unwanted pregnancies, because he was thinking of HER?
> 
> ...


I was kidding (mostly). I think I was making a point about how much worse the situation could be in a sexless marriage. The OP did mention a miscarriage recently and that could have a big effect (we went thru 2 of them) on relations. The OP mentioned physical restrictions to sex, but failed to mentioned if that included a visit to the dentist . It doesn't take much to maintain the proper care and feeding of a husband.


----------



## Heartbrokensunfamyo8lower (Nov 13, 2017)

So new update. I went through phone records and found out he?s been texting an old ?friend? the last three months. He isisted it was because of work but it was excessive, on his personal phone, & at 11 pm at night a lot. Sometimes a full day of non stop texting. So. Hurt.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Heartbrokensunfamyo8lower said:


> So new update. I went through phone records and found out he?s been texting an old ?friend? the last three months. He isisted it was because of work but it was excessive, on his personal phone, & at 11 pm at night a lot. Sometimes a full day of non stop texting. So. Hurt.


Female friend?


----------



## Heartbrokensunfamyo8lower (Nov 13, 2017)

Yes. She?s married. I sat down with my husband and showed him the phone records and he denied cheating and that they were just talking. I told him it was emotional cheating and still cheating. I made him call her right in front of me and tell her to not contact him anymore. Unfortunately she didn?t answer but he claims he told her and I texted her and told her too. My head is spinning.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Heartbrokensunfamyo8lower said:


> So new update. I went through phone records and found out he?s been texting an old ?friend? the last three months. He isisted it was because of work but it was excessive, on his personal phone, & at 11 pm at night a lot. Sometimes a full day of non stop texting. So. Hurt.


If it is a female friend, and just the last 3 months you need to ask how long has the sex been not there between the two of you. Reaching out to an old female friend is probably an attempt at emotional connection, which is a very bad sign for your marriage.

I would say if the "old friend" is a woman that he is seriously thinking about cheating and you need to decide whether you want to rebuild your marriage or end it.

The choice is yours and it should be made in consultation with your H. If you are uncertain about divorcing him, I suggest that you tell him what you know, and go for some marriage counseling.

If you do nothing he will be cheating on you and probably falling in love with someone else.

Good Luck.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Heartbrokensunfamyo8lower said:


> So new update. I went through phone records and found out he?s been texting an old ?friend? the last three months. He isisted it was because of work but it was excessive, on his personal phone, & at 11 pm at night a lot. Sometimes a full day of non stop texting. So. Hurt.





Heartbrokensunfamyo8lower said:


> Yes. She?s married. I sat down with my husband and showed him the phone records and he denied cheating and that they were just talking. I told him it was emotional cheating and still cheating. I made him call her right in front of me and tell her to not contact him anymore. Unfortunately she didn?t answer but he claims he told her and I texted her and told her too. My head is spinning.


If you want to nip this in the bud and watch people scramble.....contact the other woman's HUSBAND and let him know what his wife has been up to with your husband. It's amazing how quickly cheaters will drop their affair partners when the **** hits the fan at home. 

There are other things you can do to drop the cheater hammer on your husband but any additional actions will depend on whether you want him back or not. 

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


----------



## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Heartbrokensunfamyo8lower said:


> Yes. She?s married. I sat down with my husband and showed him the phone records and he denied cheating and that they were just talking. I told him it was emotional cheating and still cheating. I made him call her right in front of me and tell her to not contact him anymore. Unfortunately she didn?t answer but he claims he told her and I texted her and told her too. My head is spinning.


Is this marriage good enough to save? Get out now before you waste more time on this guy.


----------



## Heartbrokensunfamyo8lower (Nov 13, 2017)

I almost put that in my text to her but decided to not tell her that in case they do keep texting. Then I was going to contact her husband on my own with the phone records.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Heartbrokensunfamyo8lower

First of I want to express my condolences for your miscarriage. I know first hand how a miscarriage can mess with your body and your mind. Also keep in mind that this can also mess with your husband's mind. It's the loss of a child for him as well.

How far long were you when you miscarried? Were there complications? How long ago was the miscarriage?

There are many things that can lead to problems in marriage. They are seldom the fault of one party. Both you and your husband are 50/50 responsible for the state of your marriage. He is 100% responsible for his decision to cheat, or try to cheat.

Personally I don't believe for a minute that he only took one condom with him on the trip. What man takes only one condom when he things he's going to have a wild time? My take on it is that he had more condoms with him and he used them. He just did not use all of the condoms he took with him. I have some experience with a husband and the claim of "just one condom" and I was just thinking about it. I numbered the condoms, kept an inventory, and quietly watched the marked ones disappear and be replaced by new ones that I had not marked. 

There is a book that I think would help you decide what to do with your marriage and your husband. It's a quick read and I think would help you quite a bit whether you decide to divorce or stay to try to fix your marriage: "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. 

After that, there are two more books by Dr. Harley could help you and your husband restructure your marriage to make it a lot stronger and happier: "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs".



I apologize for some of the responses that you are getting on this thread. I hope that the hostility on this thread does not drive you off TAM. Right now I need to get to a meeting. But after that I'll check back here.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Heartbrokensunfamyo8lower said:


> So new update. I went through phone records and found out he?s been texting an old ?friend? the last three months. He isisted it was because of work but it was excessive, on his personal phone, & at 11 pm at night a lot. Sometimes a full day of non stop texting. So. Hurt.


Your husband has decided he is going to look for an exit affair. So he has proactively been looking for your replacement.

I haven't been through every page, but:
you'd have been having sex with him if you WANTED to.
You wouldn't have this problem if you had a GOOD marriage.
Things have been "rocky" for at least half of your 4 year marriage, according to what I've read.

I think I'd just call it quits. I doubt things would get better long term, and he's already proven that he would cheat on you before just leaving. I wouldn't want to get cheated on. I'd rather them just leave.

I think it's hard, but you should probably just let him have the "old friend".....


----------



## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

Heartbrokensunfamyo8lower said:


> I almost put that in my text to her but decided to not tell her that in case they do keep texting. Then I was going to contact her husband on my own with the phone records.


You should tell him anyway. He may have, or be able to gather, information you want/need.

For example, he may have already told his wife & your husband to knock it off once already.

He may know she was also at that wedding, or was "away" from home for some other reason. 

etc, etc.


----------



## Heartbrokensunfamyo8lower (Nov 13, 2017)

Thank you so much. I will look into those books for sure!


----------



## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Heartbrokensunfamyo8lower said:


> I almost put that in my text to her but decided to not tell her that in case they do keep texting. Then I was going to contact her husband on my own with the phone records.


Get the guts to contact her husband. The more *information *you have the better decisions you will make. Information is valuable. Facts and not speculation (although my mind is going wild with speculation :surprise.


----------



## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

Heartbrokensunfamyo8lower said:


> I almost put that in my text to her but decided to not tell her that in case they do keep texting. Then I was going to contact her husband on my own with the phone records.




Do it! Call him ASAP! It will blow it up, and could stop it dead. 

Besides, he deserves to know. 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

dianaelaine59 said:


> Do it! Call him ASAP! It will blow it up, and could stop it dead.
> 
> Besides, he deserves to know.
> 
> ...


Probably will stop it all dead and open things up for discussion. You may even find out the reason the condom came back was because the husband was there with "the old friend" and thus ruined their plans. Best to find out before they start collaborating their story and making it harder to find the truth.


----------



## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Its time to go Nuclear and blow up his cosy little world. Expose to the other womans husband ASAP. File for Divorce and show proof of texting to family. So sorry you are going through this. It is now evident this bastard has been stepping out. Is there any chance he met up with the so called old friend at the wedding?


----------



## introvert (May 30, 2016)

I am so sorry about your miscarriage. This kind of trauma can drive a couple apart. 

I really hope that you find a solution that works for you, be it counseling, divorce, whatever. Only you know what you both are enduring as a result of this trauma.

I wish you the best.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Heartbrokensunfamyo8lower said:


> I agree. I?m disgusted by it all. The act of taking one (possibly more) & the lie about it. He still has all of his things in his truck and he comes home in the evening to eat dinner with the kids and I and then leaves once they go to bed (he is able to sleep in his office) I told him that?s the arrangement for now and that I need space to absorb all of this and figure out my next move. Thank you all for your insight (negative & positive) I don?t feel comfortable telling family or friends so that is why i came here.


I have family members, in-laws and friends who have had a miscarriage(s) happen. wish there was something we could to do, but I will not pretend to understand your pain. Just realize, sometimes us posters do some AWFUL assuming on TAM regardless of double standards.

Your husband lied and he was caught in a lie.
When you calm down have an honest talk, as someone stated earlier, with your husband and include a third party. I'm not going to defend the guy, but there are variables which could make it less egregious to you. What I will say is, do not feed him an out when you talk. What I mean is do not give him ideas or explanations since he was already caught in a lie.


----------



## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

oh and tell him to come here and post HIS side of the story.

it will save you thousands and cut straight to the core issue. 

you may have to take some heat though too.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

x598 said:


> oh and tell him to come here and post HIS side of the story.
> 
> it will save you thousands and cut straight to the core issue.
> 
> *you may have to take some heat though too.*


 Why would she take some heat if her husband posted his side if the story, e.g. he cheated on his spouse.? She's not the one that is having an affair or went out to a party with condoms in her purse. 

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

@Heartbrokensunfamyo8lower

Looks like you chose to delete your OP and the follow up clarification to a question. I'm not going to assume to know your reasons for doing so but if you want advice on moving forward, there are a threads in Coping With Infidelity you can use as a template for handling your situation. 

Good luck. 

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


----------



## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

And she has already taken more heat than she should have. 

I just don?t see how some people can think anything one spouse does can possibly justify cheating. No matter what all an aggrieved spouse should do is say they are as mad as hell and will not take this any more, and file for divorce.

Cheating is wrong, and cannot be justified.

Personally I think people who think it can be are probably on a slippery slope to cheating. If this or that can justify it, then why not whatever they happen to want to use as an excuse that week.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Re: found condom -- further discussion*

*MODERATOR NOTICE:-*

Please, No more threadjacks.

I have just spent considerable time tidying this thread.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Heartbrokensun

This thread has me so sad for the situation you are finding yourself to be in. I'm going to give you a little back story so you know I can feel your pain. My wife and I tried to get pregnant for fifteen years, that included fertility and invetro insemination. In 2009 my wife suffered a miscarriage, I thought I protected my wife by not sharing my feelings. I thought she would hurt more if I told her of my pain, all we wanted was a family. I didn't share with her how crushed I was, that I had come to the realization that I would never hear a child call me dad. Many nights I lay in bed with tears slowly running down my face. 

In the summer of 2010 my wife had a six month affair with a coworker. She ended the affair in January of 2011. I had a gut feeling but couldn't ever think my wife would cheat. In March of 2011 we found my wife was pregnant. I was elated to say the least. I missed the initial doctors appointment in which she found out she was pregnant. Never missed one after that. She had twin boys in September of 2011. In April of 2013 I triggered on a couple having sex in a car, I pulled into a parking lot and just happened to park next to them. By late July I was rapidly losing control, depressed and wanting an end to the did she or didn't she.

In August we started MC, and January 20 2014 she finally confessed to the affair. Two days later she revealed the paternity of the boys, they were OM's. This later made me highly suicidal. I am in reconciliation now for over three years. 

Now that you know my story, you have some work to do. The first is to contact the husband of the other woman. It is an emotional affair and you have no idea if they met or not. Next you need to tell your husband he has lied, therefore you can't and will not trust anything he says. Now you need to call the other woman after you have exposed to her husband. Get her side of the story and then call the other woman's husband. Compare what she told you to her husband. Now you take that information to your husband, if he says anything that doesn't match what the other woman said, move his crap into the other bedroom. In fact, do it just because he lied to you. Let him know he has severely damaged your marriage. 

After this is done you find a polygraph examiner, one used by police. Set up a date and then tell your husband you both need to go somewhere, but don't say where. Once at the appointment to the polygraph you tell him where and what you are doing. Any refusal to take the polygraph and you file for divorce. Tell your husband you hope he has told you the truth, if he fails the polygraph you will file for divorce. You need to show you are willing to lose the marriage to save the marriage. 

After the polygraph contact the other woman's husband, tell him the results. Tell your husband if he wants to remain married to you, you both start individual counseling. Tell your husband you will wait six months before you decide on divorce or reconciliation. This decision has to be made from a position of strength and not from emotions. With your therapy you will be becoming a healthier person. Your husband will hopefully have his head out of his ass by then and be a healthier person as well. This is what you need to do, and it's not easy, but it's about the only way to move forward. Best of luck to you.


----------

