# Totally Confused



## star2916 (May 21, 2013)

I have been with my boyfriend from 2.5 years.

We contacted on line, meet 3 days later, fall in love almost instantaneously. He is 43, I am 57. 

We both have a successful career, mine being very slow now days, but have enough savings to live a life of comfort.

Everything seems to be going along in the normal just new relationship fashion, until I did notice that his FB account had many females friends that constantly kept making comments on his post in a way that it was on a very "single " and disrespectful kind of way to me and the relationship. 

Any post he made, it will bring comments from these girls that will include, like, " we should wine together" " You should be a hand model " I can wait to see you in Florida so we can get wasted" " Oh I must come and see you, I am jealous 100000xxxx , so I can party with you, we only live once ." 

He was constantly texting with females friends in the weekends while together on the couch, me next to him. I did not say anything right away, because I thought eventually he would get it, the lack of respect that it was. No, I needed to bring it to his attention. 

He travels for work and this girl-friend, coworker, posted a picture where she was all over him .... her face touching his face , her arm around his neck and her body glued to his. She made it her's Cover picture on FB. I was not happy about it and I let him know she shouldn't have posted that picture on FB. . Oh .... I was just being paranoid and she is such a nice girl, like my sister etc etc, ... bla bla bla . It took to unfriend her on FB for that picture to go away.

That girl ended up having a physical affair with his buddy, another coworker, my boyfriend's best buddy, whom he shares the room with when traveling to these meetings, and who is married and who he keeps a friendship with, knowing his wife.. . 

I don't know, seeing that picture on FB, of this woman and my boyfriend, you could very well think these two had a very good night the day before. .... makes me wonder whom she had the affair with, my boyfriend or the other guy.

Prior to that, I found pictures of his Ex wife on my computer, because he was helping her to develop a website. , he was married to her for 12 years, and he had told me that her current husband has told her not to have any contact with him , but he offered a solution, : just change my name... so he doesn't know you are talking to me. So far, they still talk to each other every 2 weeks or so, at least. 

He tells me, he never is the one that initiates the contact, but he does reply to her. And will go to another room to do so, and will never share that info, just until now, the last blow up. . He proclaims is once a year, but in the last 2 years, I have seeing pictures of her wedding, pictures of her baby, she have asked to find an opening for her to work in his Company, she have asked opinions of him on Real Estate, she have called to say what's up .... he has offered for them, to get into a Pyramid business with him, with all that e emails going back and for. The last two years, must have been an exception ,I suppose.

They do not have children together, but they are friends for life and BTW in her recent marriage of 1 year, she keep his last name, because according to her, "It was a very special relationship". He told me she have said, HE was her "favorite mistake" 

In the beginning, she was in every conversation we had, I mean he even told me, she wanted to have a baby, but her sister was going to be the one that was going to be carrying the baby , because according to him, " she was too small to give birth" . OK. It shows a kind of intimacy between them, that for me it is a bit too close.? Call me paranoid if you will. 

I have spoke of my ex husbands (2) and I have always asked him if that bothered him. He ALWAYS said no. But I do not keep in touch. The 1st one, I have two kids with him. It is always about the kids,( maybe three times a year) , I have been divorced for 30 years. and that's because he lives in Spain and my kids in the USA.

He also was in contact with some other girl that he meet on Match.com while we are in the relationship. They talked via phone, e mailed, text and FB. Until, I realized and told him I was not putting with this behavior and he, let it go, I think. at least I cannot see it. 

I found on my computer's history, he was talking to a girl he used to know from high school, , for about an hour at the time on MS ..... 

I met one of his coworkers female friends and he is calling her " baby" in front of me, and tells me , that is totally normal. The same women posted on FB few weeks later, " Think of you often, come and visit. " The same woman responded to one of my FB posts where I say : " I am crazy about my man " she said, "Me too, Lol"

I have met one of his male friends that works with him and he tells me, " the ladies love him ". 

His own niece, which she is in her 30's does borderline flirting with him on FB. She only likes the pictures where he is alone, never liked any of the pictures we are both together, never, and keeps making comments like " When our favorite person is coming back, we miss him " , he replies, oh, I just have to plan it " and she responds , "I was referring to your mom " when she lives near her and rarely visits. 
She had made several comments and post where she is at least, playing the double meaning, considering she is married and a Cristian. I have never told him he was "lusting: about her, I just said, people have poor boundaries when it comes to relationships and that includes your niece. . Of course, OMG , you can imagine what happened them, crazy, crazy me. And he makes sure he "plays " on this incident quite heavily to make sure I look like a lunatic.


But what makes me think is that after these messages from his niece have been there for years, in the moment her husband became friends with him on FB, he deleted these comments and others from her. Hum ... why , if they were so innocent?.... of course he is going to tell you that he knew it bothered me so he deleted them, ( 3 years later) what a coincidence. And when I asked why he deleted these messages he denied it was him. It took another break up and then , only then, he told me he did that.

Hey, maybe nieces which are in their 30's and married, do this kind of things, double meaning posts, with their uncles, which is just few years older, , and send him letters with pretty hearts all over. What do I know.

He has been in contact with yet, another coworker for the length of the relationship, they text, ( even in our vacations) call, confide in each other and tell her all our problems. And viceversa. Takes calls from her in a Sunday morning , when I am with him, talking about 45 minutes, (work related 5 minutes) , and the rest BS.


I have been in counseling 3 times, ( these people , the Counselors ... what a waste f time and money ) trying to save this relationship, because I really love him but the truth is, I am done with this . I think I am involved with a flirt, in the best case scenario. 

I tried to explain to him there are just too many people in this relationship. Since day One. I have never encountered a situation like this before in my life. 
He responds : I am out of control, paranoid, crazy and I just do not understand.

Also the whole time this have been going on, he lied and erased all these texts, calls, e mails, he tells me, he wants to keep his phone organized etc and also because he did not want problems and or upset me. ... He has lied to me many times, I have caught him, and his excuse, I wouldn't understand.


Look , I understand friendships but , anyone that is a decent human being comprehend, when a buddy gets into a relationship they should take a step back and stop interfering and being overly intrusive, treating him like the other person doesn't exist and being plain and simple inappropriate, conversing with him in "as a single guy mode." A decent man knows that as well. These women wouldn't keep doing it if somehow he wouldn't cooperate, don't you think ? 

Ah ... his favorite phrase : " I stooped being proactive in my communications" 

If it was just one friend, and if we could had have a talk about, like two rational people OK, but there are just too many to count .... And I just cannot mention my concerns, because I am the one in the wrong ALWAYS and he will cut me off, brake doors, scream, insult me, call me all kind of names and throw things. And it keeps happening, new people, new names .... 

The way I see it, He’s basically giving me the outline of my future with him right now. He’s telling me by doing this, that he doesn’t want a monogamous relationship with me. If I want a monogamous relationship with an honest man, this guy isn’t the one for me. He’s telling me straight up that he will hurt me again in the future. And that he has no problem lying to me. 

Very few people have a clear knowledge of what EA's are. And they can be worse than actual physical contact, although I am in the camp that a man who spends that much time and effort on someone is getting a bit more than stimulating conversation.

One of my question to him is ‘If it was just friends then why did you hide it and lie to me and erase and keep lying by omission?” He isn’t sorry he did it, let alone connects that this harmed me and the relationship. 

First step in solving problems is admitting there is one and taking responsibility for it. He thinks he’s done nothing wrong! He fought and fought and fought about with the excuse, he never had a problem with his previous relationships about this , yeah ... only one, married to her for 12 years ( when FB was not around) and the others they didn't last more than few months, and at that time, he was dating 3 or 4 women at the same time, HIS WORDS. ( I just learn of that , recently). 

In the meanwhile, he is Accusing me of being insecure, when I have very legitimate concerns. I find it to be manipulative , bullying , immature, etc. 

This s is the truth. I dare him to call me on it differently. And yes, there's more and more, but I will leave it at that.

I must be out of my mind to stay in this relationship , right?

Please forgive me for my poor communication, English is not my first language.

Thank you for listening.

PS:
1+1/2 year later, I finally left the relationship. The new girl in the block is his new manager, a female in her 30's where the similar fashion texts kept happening again.

She telling him: 
" "You know, I can not deny anything to you 

I will have to arm rustle over that with you

I appreciate so much your team effort and your personal goals but mostly your underlying love for sushi ... MMmmmmm .... "

Looking forward to seeing you

The only part of my job that is not a burden is when I am with you .""

He picks her up and takes her to the airport and of course , she checks in with him, she landed just fine.

Keep in mind, they ride in his car together about twice a month , all day, alone.
And of course, they are together in the 4 or 5 times a year meetings with outside activities after work.

So here we go again. And of course. after she become his manager, he locked his phone, put a password on it, kept it in airplane mode while with me and left the phone in the car while in my house. All within a month time. 
That is what I have been able to see. because at the END I didn't even wanted to look at his phone again. I was afraid of it.

I just cannot believe anything this man say. And for him not to understand how I feel and keep telling me that It's my fault why we are not in the relationship, is just BIZARRE.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Yes... Leave him!


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Hi,

No children. You aren't married. He doesn't respect you. Time to move on. This will not change if it is occuring so early on in your relationship. You may love him, but he sounds like an entitled egotist.


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## star2916 (May 21, 2013)

Thank you for the reply. 
I needed some kind of validation because he sees it as a problem of mine and he feels he has done nothing wrong. 
My apologies for any errors in the Post. English is not my first language.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

star2916 said:


> Thank you for the reply. It is very clear.
> I needed some kind of validation because he sees it as a problem of mine and he feels he has done nothing wrong.
> My apologies for any errors in the Post. English is not my first language.


There are so many red flags here, that I would be surprised if he hasn't cheated on you. But you are right - if he hasn't, it won't be long before he crosses that line. He clearly doesn't respect you or fear losing you.

He's pulled one of the typical cheater tactics; he's gaslighting you. Trying to make you think you're the one with the problem.

My advice is to move on without him to avoid the inevitable. I'm about your age and I can understand the fear of starting over. But you're not married, no kids. And if you're attractive enough to woo someone 15 years your junior, you shouldn't have any trouble finding someone else. Someone that understands what commitment means.

If by some slight chance he tries to beg you back and act remorseful, don't make a decision before checking back here. Most of us know what a remorseful spouse/partner looks like.


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## star2916 (May 21, 2013)

Thank you Badmemory. I have felt so insecure in this relationship that is a joke. I was embarrassed to even post this scenario, since due to my age, I shall know better. 
He is a very sweet, affectionate kind of guy, but his actions do not match his words. And realize that he treats these called "females friends" the same way he treats me, because, after a while, it is impossible that all the females friends he has, could all be that needy and or S***ty?


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## trailwalker (Apr 24, 2013)

star2916 said:


> Thank you Badmemory. I have felt so insecure in this relationship that is a joke. I was embarrassed to even post this scenario, since due to my age, I shall know better.
> He is a very sweet, affectionate kind of guy, but his actions do not match his words. And realize that he treats these called "females friends" the same way he treats me, because, after a while, it is impossible that all the females friends he has, could all be that needy and or ****ty?
> 
> I cannot believe I have been so blind.


If anyone would care to read the TRUTH of the matter please check the following posts and their comments. These outline the FACTS. Not the emotions. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/77562-trust-understanding.html


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/77801-incredible-misunderstanding.html


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...n/77929-my-gf-thinks-my-niece-i-flirting.html


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/77969-my-gf-refuses-contact-me.html


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

I have to admit, it's kind of funny to read this read and your bf's thread. Both of you are getting the same advice: "kick him/her to the kerb!!"

The advice is probably right, in both cases. The only question is who to believe. Probably a moral in there somewhere for those of us responding to these sorts of threads.


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## trailwalker (Apr 24, 2013)

GTdad said:


> I have to admit, it's kind of funny to read this read and your bf's thread. Both of you are getting the same advice: "kick him/her to the kerb!!"
> 
> The advice is probably right, in both cases. The only question is who to believe. Probably a moral in there somewhere for those of us responding to these sorts of threads.


Well, it would certainly be very helpful if STAR2916 would relay the FACTS and not continually misrepresent them. Of course it would be wrong if my niece and I were flirting. But that's categorically not even close to what happened or is happening.

Regarding me and another person calling each other BABY, well here we go again. STAR2916 is misrepresenting. If you read this post it will explain in detail the actual situation and not the confusion.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/77801-incredible-misunderstanding.html


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## star2916 (May 21, 2013)

Thank you GTdad. That is correct. There is always two sides in any history.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

So why are you dating him? You don't trust him, he flirts with other women, he has no problems with how this makes you feel and continues to do it and yet you stay...


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Is it possible that the age difference between you makes star particularly insecure in the relationship?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Maybe. But what if she were younger... it would not make a difference. 

It's not about the age, I don't think. It's about how his behavior doesn't jive with what she thinks is acceptable. And about what she plans to do about that.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

If he valued your relationship he would be sensitive to your concerns, I would think he would establish firm boundaries with all women - even the niece. 

I don't think you are crazy, insecure yes - and it sounds like he feeds that insecurity. 

I have read his threads as well, while there are always two sides to a story this just seems to be a sad story with no happy ending.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Okay, another he said/she said thread highjack.

Assuming she is truthful, I don't blame her for having a problem with most of these issues, especially the contact with his (no kids with) ex., and also because he has tried to conceal it.

Let's also assume he is telling the truth. All this communication has been "innocent" with no untoward intent. 

Trailwalker, your GF has let you know about what she thinks are appropriate boundaries in your relationship. Perhaps she is a little more "old school" in this regard. Perhaps I am too. 

But my opinion is that whether there is intent or not, there can still be "inappropriate" contact with the other sex. That's usually the way affairs start, even if initially unintended. I hope you never have to experience that painful lesson first hand. 

Bottom line, if these boundaries are not acceptable to you, find someone else that doesn't have them. Star2916, if he won't respect your boundaries, find someone else that will.

Or, sit down with each other and compromise out a solution acceptable to both of you. Face to face - not on a message board.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I would argue that the age does indeed make a big difference. I am around star's age and can easily and frankly testify to the mindset that is very common. It's a natural mindset and one that is completely appropriate to that stage in life. It's also one that is looking at the aging process squarely in the face and dealing with it.

It's true that we can't know whether trailwalker is being a bit disingenuous here or not, but even if we just split the difference between the two 'views of the data,' star is more concerned about her bf's activities than the evidence would allow.

It sounds to me like you both care about each other and your relationship, but with this dynamic, it doesn't seem like you will make it together for the long term.


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## star2916 (May 21, 2013)

Thank you for your words, everyone.

No, I am not insecure. If I was an insecure woman I wouldn't even consider dating someone 15 years my junior. I feel the age thing doesn't apply here. I am maybe full of it, but I believe I wouldn't have a problem meeting and keeping a NEW man. 

I am not immature either. Well, maybe I am, since I am dating a person that is not as traditional as I when it comes to relationships.

I " have felt insecure" in this relationship because all these Constants events happening since the very beginning and while I was not rutted yet into the relationship. I have tried to rationalize these events, that is how I came across this particular site, looking for answers that would make sense in both sides. 

Thank you Badmemory for the wise response and giving me the benefit of the doubt.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

I really don't mean to be disrespectful, but perhaps you should talk to each other instead of holding an argument by proxy on the forum.

It looks like a great example of lack of communication. 

A very wise boss of mine used to tell me that "Perception is truth" and maybe you 2 need to talk a whole lot more...


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Star, I don't think he sounds sincere. I think you do. Advice the same regardless. Time you moved on. I think you are wasting your time.


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