# What do you do with the rebound?



## Spellbound (Apr 16, 2016)

I started hanging out with a friend I've known for years after the divorce and it turns out he doesn't see it the same way I do. He is such a sweetheart and I've loved the attention and feeling attractive again, but he wants way more from the relationship than I can give. We are great talking on the phone and hanging out once in a while, (he lives a couple of hours away so we don't see each other much,) but I know I can't build a future with him. We are way too different and would want to change too many things about each other. I haven't/won't sleep with him because I don't believe in sex outside of a committed relationship and I know that when this ends it will be way worse for both of us if we have shared that kind of intimacy. On the other hand, after a long marriage where lack of sex was not an issue, I definitely miss it. I know he can tell and doesn't understand my faith or why I won't just enjoy sex for the sake of pleasure. 
I'm so torn between feeling like I'm using this relationship to stall going through what I need to to heal from the divorce, but also loving feeling warmth, affection and emotional intimacy, (all of which was sorely lacking in my marriage.) I've actually been very open in my communication. I've told him this is rebound, he is going to get hurt, I need to date and figure out what I want in life, that I won't sleep with him, and that our differences in faith are a deal breaker, but he just patiently listens, nods, and changes the subject.
I feel like I'm being a selfish jerk letting this go on, but I crave time with him so much! I want to push him away because some of his lifestyle choices drive me so crazy, but I don't want to be alone. If I end the relationship, I'll regret it, if I keep going, I'll regret it. 
Is this what everyone goes through after divorce?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

You just want a relationship. You don't want him. 

End it now.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

"These are not the droids your looking for." - Obi Wan

He is not the guy for you. Start distancing yourself now. Or a lot more hurt and regret is going to come of it.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

End this relationship. it is preventing you from learning the real lesson of you past. Which is to NOT be afraid of being alone. As long as you are afraid of being alone you will continue to settle. Before you can love another you have to love your self. Being afraid of being alone is a sign that you don't love your self, despite whatever you tell yourself.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

I'm not clear whether you're dating this guy or not? Is he a friend who likes you? Or are you dating him?


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## Spellbound (Apr 16, 2016)

To be honest, I'm not really sure. I'm not "dating" yet, but we spend time watching movies or TV and talk. Since we live so far apart, we have stayed at each other's houses with the visitor staying in the guest room. We only see each other once a month at the most. To me, dating would be with the intention of pursuing a relationship and be romantic. We have grabbed fast food or gone to the movies, but I paid for my own food/tickets. I'm interested in seeing other people eventually, but have been clear that I'm still in the first year of divorce so the couple of guys that might ask me out have kept their distance. I joke that I should have a big neon warning sign over my head. 
I got married really young so I'm not sure what the rules are for dating in the adult world these days. It seems like everyone expects sex and without it you aren't really dating. So, if by dating you mean, him taking me out, us being physically intimate, then no, we aren't dating. If by dating you mean spending time together without chaperones, then yes, we are dating.


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## Spellbound (Apr 16, 2016)

How much time "alone" is enough for the healing to happen? I'm very extroverted, but didn't think that meant I don't love myself. I'm an endurance athlete so I spend a lot of time alone with my thoughts, (don't like to train with earbuds in, seems too unsafe.}


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You say you don't want to hurt him, but by not taking any real action on your part to end the relationship, you are allowing the bond between you to grow, thus making it harder to separate later. 

Cut the tethers now.


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## Spellbound (Apr 16, 2016)

This has given me a lot of food for thought. I'm really asking myself about how I am when I'm alone. My marriage was really lonely and I finally started going and doing things alone instead of waiting around and resenting that we didn't do things together. I enjoyed many sunsets, walks in the woods, meals, and adventures alone, but always felt like it would be nice to have someone to share it with. My ex not only didn't want to join me, he didn't want to hear about it either and was irritated that I wasn't sitting home waiting on him to give me a few moments of attention, usually in the form of robotic sex. I feel like life is meant to be shared. I'm not afraid of being alone so much as bored with it. 
I canceled my plans next weekend with my male friend and only talked to him a few minutes today. Everyone is right, I need to end this for his sake. It has actually become kind of demanding and high maintenance, but it has been an eye opener to be around a man that doesn't get upset about everything, thinks its cute when I get excited about little things, like an amazing sunset, and just rolls his eyes and chuckles when I get worked up about something that rattles me. It's refreshing to be around someone that isn't negative or angry all the time.
I suppose relationships are never simple, even casual ones.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

You use, abuse and then let go and never, ever marry the rebound!

If you don't want to use and abuse, then you set the rebound free.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Spellbound said:


> How much time "alone" is enough for the healing to happen? I'm very extroverted, but didn't think that meant I don't love myself. I'm an endurance athlete so I spend a lot of time alone with my thoughts, (don't like to train with earbuds in, seems too unsafe.}


I don't think you necessarily need to be "alone" at all. You just have to be ok with your self. There are many people who are alone in the midst of people simply because they have never been ok with them selves. On the other hand there are people who spend vast amounts of time all by them selves and they are perfectly fine with that. Just accept your self and do what you feel is comfortable. Expect to make mistakes and learn from them. That is the only true way to learn. I think a lot of the fear of being alone stems from the fear that making a mistake is why you are lonely.


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## Spellbound (Apr 16, 2016)

Ynot said:


> I think a lot of the fear of being alone stems from the fear that making a mistake is why you are lonely.


 I'm not quite following here. Do you mean that fearing I made a mistake in divorcing my ex is why I'm lonely?


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Spellbound said:


> I'm not quite following here. Do you mean that fearing I made a mistake in divorcing my ex is why I'm lonely?


No I meant that fearing you will make a mistake is why you are lonely. I didn't say anything about your ex. You will be always be lonely, until you learn to be happy with just your self. Being happy with your self means you need to accept you will make mistakes. Not wanting to be alone with them self is the biggest mistake most people make. Many people settle for less than what they want because they don't want to make a mistake and end up lonely. Go out and make mistakes and stop overthinking things.


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## Spellbound (Apr 16, 2016)

Ah, okay, got it. I've been on a couple of failed dates, LOL, thanks to the mistake of a short lived Match.com account.
I definitely won't settle for this guy. He is sweet as all get out, but if one of the nice guys from church asks me out, I will definitely go! It is hard because I really am fond of my friend, but I know I don't feel the same way he does.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Spellbound said:


> I started hanging out with a friend I've known for years after the divorce and it turns out he doesn't see it the same way I do. He is such a sweetheart and I've loved the attention and feeling attractive again, but he wants way more from the relationship than I can give. We are great talking on the phone and hanging out once in a while, (he lives a couple of hours away so we don't see each other much,) but I know I can't build a future with him. We are way too different and would want to change too many things about each other. I haven't/won't sleep with him because I don't believe in sex outside of a committed relationship and I know that when this ends it will be way worse for both of us if we have shared that kind of intimacy. On the other hand, after a long marriage where lack of sex was not an issue, I definitely miss it. I know he can tell and doesn't understand my faith or why I won't just enjoy sex for the sake of pleasure.
> I'm so torn between feeling like I'm using this relationship to stall going through what I need to to heal from the divorce, but also loving feeling warmth, affection and emotional intimacy, (all of which was sorely lacking in my marriage.) *I've actually been very open in my communication. I've told him this is rebound, he is going to get hurt, I need to date and figure out what I want in life, that I won't sleep with him, and that our differences in faith are a deal breaker, but he just patiently listens, nods, and changes the subject.*
> I feel like I'm being a selfish jerk letting this go on, but I crave time with him so much! I want to push him away because some of his lifestyle choices drive me so crazy, but I don't want to be alone. If I end the relationship, I'll regret it, if I keep going, I'll regret it.
> Is this what everyone goes through after divorce?


Then IMO it's his fault. Stop feeling guilty over other people's decisions. I learnt that recently, it's a liberating thing.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

RandomDude said:


> Then IMO it's his fault. Stop feeling guilty over other people's decisions. I learnt that recently, it's a liberating thing.




Sure. It is great to be selfish and uncaring. If everyone was, we would not need TAM.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Selfish and uncaring?! OP has done everything to let him know where he stood, but he still continued to ignore it - as was HIS choice. She's not leading him on, why should she accuse herself of that?!

She's been straight up with him!


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

RandomDude said:


> Selfish and uncaring?! OP has done everything to let him know where he stood, but he still continued to ignore it - as was HIS choice. She's not leading him on, why should she accuse herself of that?!
> 
> She's been straight up with him!




I was referring to your post, not OP.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

:scratchhead:

So what do you find selfish and uncaring about feeling guilty over other people's decisions?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

RandomDude said:


> :scratchhead:
> 
> 
> 
> So what do you find selfish and uncaring about feeling guilty over other people's decisions?




When you lead them on its selfish and uncaring.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

And how is OP leading this guy on? Did you read what I bolded from her post?


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