# My first post, let alone thread, here



## Harken Banks

What do people miss most after divorce? Or do you think Holy Cow why did I go through that for so long?


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## Ynot

I think the responses you receive will vary by the how and why the poster came to be divorced. Some chose to end it, other had it chosen for them. Some understand it and others don't. Some have accepted it, while others haven't. 
I wish I could answer that question for you. Unfortunately I am still on the roller coaster, so anything I say at this moment would probably be something different than an hour before or after.


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## Dollystanford

All I missed was the familiarity of the routine. That gets easier after a time and then I started to realise how freeing it was not to have to deal with his crap all day every day

But then I don't mind change, I think people need it every once in a while. Maybe not quite so drastic but it's very easy to stagnate and you don't realise that's what you've done until you're out of it


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## movealong

I agree with Dolly, the routine of having someone there was a big part of my life. But, once it was gone, I was able to see how that routine had become detrimental to both myself and my XW. 

What do I miss? I miss waking up to someone to say good morning to and have a cup of coffee with while laying in bed. The great thing? I have that on a limited basis now with the woman I am dating. The best thing? She has her own home so I get to sprawl out across the bed during the week and then on weekends we get to make up for lost time during the week. 

I am sure there are other things I could list that I miss but, really, I am liking my life post-divorce.


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## Harken Banks

Appreciated. I think routine is the last thing I would miss. I'd like to wake up without sense hiding somewhere in the back of my head that I have done something wrong for which I will do penance and atone but I don't know what it is. I want to wake up to the sunrise and everything before me.


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## Rowan

I miss my house, and I miss the little routine things inherent in having someone to share daily life with. 

But a very large part of me also questions why I stayed married for so long. It's absolutely remarkable to live life without the daily presence of someone who seems to have a vested interest in encouraging me to feel bad about myself. It's very liberating. It's such a relief to not feel tense and an anxious all the time, to not have someone always there to help me second guess myself, question my reality, make sure I always know that I never quite measure up and that I'm just a little bit on the wrong side of crazy. I really never knew what it was like to feel like I was good enough, normal enough, not defective or broken in some way.


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## Harken Banks

Rowan said:


> I miss my house, and I miss the little routine things inherent in having someone to share daily life with.
> 
> But a very large part of me also questions why I stayed married for so long. It's absolutely remarkable to live life without the daily presence of someone who seems to have a vested interest in encouraging me to feel bad about myself. It's very liberating. It's such a relief to not feel tense and an anxious all the time, to not have someone always there to help me second guess myself, question my reality, make sure I always know that I never quite measure up and that I'm just a little bit on the wrong side of crazy. I really never knew what it was like to feel like I was good enough, normal enough, not defective or broken in some way.


I think you wrote that exactly right.


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## Married but Happy

By the time I was divorced (a very long process!), there was nothing I missed. When I first separated, I missed seeing my son every day, and I missed the house (especially my study with huge windows with views of the woods, birds, etc.).

In retrospect, I also wonder why I stayed married so long - I'd have been far happier if I'd ended it many years sooner.


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## Harken Banks

Married but Happy said:


> By the time I was divorced (a very long process!), there was nothing I missed. When I first separated, I missed seeing my son every day, and I missed the house (especially my study with huge windows with views of the woods, birds, etc.).
> 
> In retrospect, I also wonder why I stayed married so long - I'd have been far happier if I'd ended it many years sooner.


Maybe I didn't put this in exactly the right place. Probably I did not. I'm interested too in the view that yeah it was a boogery snot sandwich but I'm glad I stuck it out.


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## tulsy

What do I miss?....I miss my money! LOL

Seriously though, I don't miss much these days. When it first happened, I missed the life we had. Nothing felt fair, and honestly, looking back it really wasn't fair. Still, you just gotta move on with life, and reflect on the past as "lesson learned".

Now I wonder how my life would have turned out if we had never tied the knot, or if we had divorced sooner. I imagine I would have turned out fine, basically just getting a head start on my current life, but shoulda, woulda, coulda...hindsight is always 20/20.

As the years go by to miss less and less. Once you start LIVING life, you start to look at the old version of yourself in a much different light.


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## Almostrecovered

when did you file Harken?


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## Openminded

I don't miss anything. By the time I got out I was beyond done. I do regret those 30 years between DD1 and DD2 that I can't get back. 

What I hoped for, when I decided to divorce, was to one day wake up happy. And at peace. I now have that. I hope one day you have that too.


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## Harken Banks

Almostrecovered said:


> when did you file Harken?


I haven't.


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## whitehawk

Unfortunately , l miss just about everything any good marriage and best friendship has and in good times , ours had all that and much more .

l don't miss the [email protected] of our last few years though , but l do admittedly wish we could have it over , do it different and survive.


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## lenzi

I miss half my assets.


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## skype

I missed coming home in the evening and sharing the events of my day, both good and bad.

I missed having a companion at restaurants and on vacations.

I missed the feeling that there would always be someone to have my back whenever I needed help.

I missed the warm family that I envisioned when we got married.

I do NOT miss the pouty arguments, the silent treatment, the cold shoulder, and the refusal to compromise whenever I did not do things exactly the way he wanted.


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## 2xloser

I only deeply miss waking up and spending even small moments with my son, coming home and doing the same, and my money + the good feeling of 'providing' by working my a** off every day instead of resenting it.

The rest is emotionally negotiable trade-off. Friendships changed. Single freedom vs. being part of a couple unit; making your own decisions vs. leaning on someone; doing the "girl jobs" vs. "boy jobs"; comfortable familiarity vs. unfamiliar newness; supposed safety vs. fear of facing disasters alone. All surmountable.


* I'm not officially divorced but have lived apart/on my own for 2.5 years, and have my 10 yr old son every weekend.


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## Chuck71

the familiarity...unspoken language....you knew what the other was thinking.

no matter how glad I am we are no longer together, there will be things I miss

of the 15 years, there were more good times than bad

but as you read often here you can have 35 years blown to he!!

in just three months


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## Harken Banks

Does anyone here think they made a mistake in getting divorced?


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## movealong

Harken Banks said:


> Does anyone here think they made a mistake in getting divorced?


No, I don't.


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## Chuck71

Had she "owned" her part in the M crumbling....we probably would not have.

When The Wall gets so high, so thick... it has to be exploded. 

She made overtures on several occasions... but it was too late.

It did make it very easy, being she to this day has never "owned" her

part in the demise of the M.


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## Rowan

I don't think my divorce was a mistake. I do wish that I had never been put in the position to have to make such a choice, though. But, as it turned out, my ex-husband and I just had profoundly different views of what a marriage should be. He wasn't willing to end it because our marriage worked for him, so I had to be the 'bad guy' who filed.


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## EnjoliWoman

Like Rowan I miss the inside jokes and the familiarity. It was the devil I knew. 

But other than that, now that I know the other "devil" aka the unknown aspects of being single, I wish I'd done it much MUCH sooner.


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## Satya

I miss my in-laws. They were so supportive and just as shocked as I was about the circumstances of our divorce.


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## EnjoliWoman

:iagree:


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## Jellybeans

It wasn't a mistake if it happened.


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## skype

No, my divorce was not a mistake. I learned so much about myself, my blind spots, what I needed in a partner, and how important communication and honesty are in a relationship.

It humbled me, made me realize that I was not as clever as I thought I was, that I didn't really understand how to make a marriage work. Pain is a great teacher, and my second marriage is much stronger because of the things I learned from the divorce, things I could not have learned any other way.


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## Pluto2

I don't regret my divorce. Every time I have to interact with him (now only once or twice a year) I am reminded how grateful I am he is not my husband.

I miss the marriage I thought I could have. I don't miss the one I ended up with.


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