# How has TAM made your marriage/relationship better



## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Marriage is very hard work, but also very rewarding. I was wondering if other's could share how TAM helped you/and/or/your spouse/SO/or oneself all together, has grown for the BETTER from the advice given and received here on TAM. 

I can say that I really have learned a lot about diversity. Diversity between men/women and husbands/wives. 

Thank you to everyone that takes the time to reply.


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## CharlotteMcdougall (Mar 15, 2014)

I've learned that I need to relax my boundaries, as well as be more sensitive to some of my husband's insecurities. 

I've also learned how blessed we are to have such good communication and a satisfying sex life.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think I am more appreciative of dh than before. And I am giving more blow jobs than I have in my life. I am sure dh likes that.

I am kind of torn on whether it has made it better or not. It was always pretty good. I think I am a lot more demanding now. Before I just kind of accepted things.

I really did not know how many problems people were having in their marriages. I had heard of sexless marriage, but did not imagine anybody below 70 had one. What an education I have gotten.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

I feel the same way.....


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

It has helped in ,many tangible ways, for instance , the concept of constantly *courting* your wife, and non sexual bonding activities we can do together. I've tried suggestions I've seen here and we've enjoyed it.

But in a very obtuse sense , it has helped me to realize even much more, how fortunate I am to have married the type of woman I got married to.
Usually , people in real life tell us how we are lucky and they admire our marriage , but I never really fully grasped why until I stumbled across TAM by accident.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Caribbean Man said:


> It has helped in ,many tangible ways, for instance , the concept of constantly *courting* your wife, and non sexual bonding activities we can do together. I've tried suggestions I've seen here and we've enjoyed it.
> 
> But in a very obtuse sense , it has helped me to realize even much more, how fortunate I am to have married the type of woman I got married to.
> *Usually , people in real life tell us how we are lucky and they admire our marriage , but I never really fully grasped why until I stumbled across TAM by accident.*


This.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> It has helped in ,many tangible ways, for instance , the concept of constantly *courting* your wife, and non sexual bonding activities we can do together. I've tried suggestions I've seen here and we've enjoyed it.
> 
> But in a very obtuse sense , *it has helped me to realize even much more, how fortunate I am to have married the type of woman I got married to.*
> Usually , people in real life tell us how we are lucky and they admire our marriage , but I never really fully grasped why until I stumbled across TAM by accident.


TAM has helped me in a number of ways with the advice that I asked for as well as seeing situations similar to mine posted by others. Aside from the help I received from people here, I also have learned (and continue to learn) that I married a special woman who is a great match for me. We don't have the perfect marriage, but we have a good one. I am grateful for the woman my wife is.

I think TAM is best used as a sounding board where you post some threads to get ideas on scenarios that may have occurred in your marriage. If the thoughts make sense for your situation, try to implement the suggestions. When the advice giver doesn't have a decent grasp of your actual situation, then you thank him/her, politely point out errors in assumptions or simply don't utilize the suggestions. What works well in my marriage may not be so hot if applied to someone else's situation, and vice versa.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Unfortunately didn't find this place soon enough to help me but have enjoyed the reading for years


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

One caveat to keep in mind about TAM is that we do not have a complete understand of your relationship. I believe we have a lot of well intentioned posters on here, but sometimes they can also be very persuasive with their advice. My concern would be to implement advice given by someone who is "sure" about your situation only to find out that when you try it, it makes things worse. Not that anyone tried to intentionally mislead an advice seeker, but when we give advice we give it based on our own life experiences. Sometimes our experiences are similar to the OP's, and other times they are very different. 

My suggestion here is to think carefully about your situation and then do your best to determine if a poster understands your situation enough to give meaningful suggestions or if he/she misreads your situation completely.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> Unfortunately didn't find this place soon enough to help me but have enjoyed the ready for years


Do you mean "reading" instead of ready?


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## Eagle3 (Dec 4, 2013)

I think it helped me in that it forced me to take a good look in the mirror and see how things I was doing was impacting my marriage just as much as the things she was doing that I was upset about. Hearing people on the board tell me things that I was doing wrong helped me make the changes I need to make. I also think it helped me get information from a female perspective. Just seeing things that other women on here relate too or explain why this was said or happening was very helpful to understand what my wife was going thru or wanting etc…


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Never take my wife for granted.

Never stop working and striving to keep the marriage fresh and alive.

Always realize what a beautiful person you have in your wife.

Always watch your pride, keep on guard for your selfishness and complacency.

Always learn from others mistakes and your own.

Never let your guard down.

If you follow these things you may be fortunate enough to wake up one day old, still married, and still in love.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

jorgegene said:


> Never take my wife for granted.
> 
> Always watch your pride, keep on guard for your selfishness and complacency.


I think men really have to watch for these two things: taking their wife for granted, and pride.

Pride can kill a marriage. Not being able to admit they were wrong, unwillingness to apologize, to tell her she was right and they should have listened . . . All wasted opportunities to build closeness and trust.

And very few men are not guilty of taking their wives for granted, at least sometimes, I think.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

jld said:


> Do you mean "reading" instead of ready?


Sorry fixed it


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

I didn't find this place until after we had resolved our largest issues. It reinforced how important communication is. Without communication nothing can be solved.

This place also makes me feel pretty darn good about my marriage. Maybe I was lucky but my husband is a wonderful man and I'm very grateful for how rewarding and peaceful our relationship is. 

The anger, sadness, bitterness, stubbornness, and false pride I see here spurs me to really think about my own motives. Am I really being the best spouse I can? On the flip side, some of the horror stories here about terrible spouses make me feel less guilty about my own shortcomings. I've acknowledged my faults and am working on them. I don't have to be perfect and my husband doesn't ask that of me.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Caribbean Man said:


> But in a very obtuse sense , it has helped me to realize even much more, how fortunate I am to have married the type of woman I got married to.
> 
> Usually , people in real life tell us how we are lucky and they admire our marriage ,


This. Except obviously I'm married to a man, not a woman, rofl!

People often say how they envy what we have together, and hubby and I ourselves often remark how lucky we are to have found each other...I can honestly say I never take him for granted.

I say to him sometimes "every time I go on those boards I'm reminded how lucky I am to have you", he loves it


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## Bridge (Dec 27, 2013)

I'm not married, we've been dating for five years (we're 26 & 28). This almost makes TAM better. I have way more tools and a wider understanding of what makes a bad partnership, what makes a good one, and common ways they go wrong. Most everything here is common sense but it's really helped me to examine and read. My parents and family modeled healthy relationships but they never sat me down and said "Bridge don't EVER do x". I mean, we've all heard "never go to bed mad" but nobody talks about the steps to that. Here it's all broken down.

I'm a much more mindful partner. I watch that I don't say thoughtless things. A BIG one is if I'm mad or anxious I don't take it out on him. I come clean that I haven't been feeling myself, apologize, and work on self-improvement. I think before I used to blame him more for little things, like if only he'd do this or that... so embarrassing to look back on that!

When I stopped comparing him and our relationship to others, it helped me open my eyes to why we're special and how he takes care of me in his own way. Since I stopped comparing and wishing, I'm far more aware of the kind, loving gestures he makes that maybe somebody else's boyfriend doesn't.

Oh and now I know it is illegal to record someone's conversation without their knowledge.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

TAM has helped me understand relationship boundaries more clearly, has provided lessons in undertanding attraction. I've communicated with guys that are like me and learned how they dealt with similar problems I've faced in relationships and my own journey. I've begun to trust that not everyone is alike more, I see women of all types that are attracted to all types, and it has helped me be more confident that who I am is good and when my GF tells me I'm attractive to her I believe it, because I have come to understand what trust actually means. When I have issues I can sound them here and get advice that I respect and can use. I use this place more as a general social place than a specific relationship advice board, that is more about personal growth for me than marriage.


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## rush (Mar 29, 2013)

It has shown me more clearly that a womans mind is more than a brain and some ways to try to get closer to my wife. I have gotten all kinds of advice here and all of it has been beneficial to my marriage. I know I am still a long ways from being perfect but I am a better man and husband from being here.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

I'm living the example that if you follow the advice in SIM, you really can fix your marriage.

We were never in a 'sexless' marriage, just a lot less than I'd like. My wife still had drive at the middle of her cycle, and so we never went more than a few weeks. I responded by being an ass to her. It turned into me being a verbally abusive, loud ass. Tit for tat - devolving into a rotten marriage.

I decided I didn't like the man I had become. I didn't like the example I was setting for my kids. It hit me after a particularly bad argument. I vowed to not be that way anymore.

I kept that vow, but things didn't improve in many ways. I'd hurt my wife, and she wasn't ready to forgive me and move on. That's when I joined TAM. I was ready to fix my marriage or end it. I wanted to give it the strongest possibility of fixing it. Fortunately that's exactly what I've done.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I landed here wanting to get my Husband more aggressive sexually (never cared for the 1st 19 yrs - then WHAM.. I suddenly wanted more!).....I was initially ticked off by posts telling me I was going to resent him if he couldn't be dominate .....this put me on a defensive to stand up for this wonderful man I married ...I could NEVER throw him under the bus...he's been so good to me...even though I kinda agreed with some of what they were saying....there was a conflict there for me...and I had to work through that.....to understand HIM... to sort this new found desire out in me...and find *our way*.

This set me off reading a torrent of books and articles about Temperaments/ Hormones/ Nice Guys.... Libido types and Lover styles..

What I/we came to realize through all of this... was ...we've always been a perfect match (sexually speaking)...we were just missing each other in some ways that now we cracked wide open to explore....

I still had his Desire...he loves sex, so what was I whining about.. sure I'd like him to give me a fantasy or 2... but I held those reigns to take that lead ...and bring us both to new heights... there was some bumps along the way.. but these last 5 yrs we've grown ever closer... he opened up more vulnerably to me -when I became "EASY" ...yeah he told me that one night... gotta love that!

Also reading here has helped me see - I really think I would be a horrible match for a wide variety of men... my husband fits me like a glove in so many ways that I kinda took for granted in the past.. but no more...


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## GIM003 (Feb 5, 2014)

Caribbean Man said:


> It has helped in ,many tangible ways, for instance , the concept of constantly *courting* your wife, and non sexual bonding activities we can do together. I've tried suggestions I've seen here and we've enjoyed it.
> 
> But in a very obtuse sense , it has helped me to realize even much more, how fortunate I am to have married the type of woman I got married to.
> Usually , people in real life tell us how we are lucky and they admire our marriage , but I never really fully grasped why until I stumbled across TAM by accident.


:iagree:
I found this site a year ago while working through a minor case of retroactive jealousy. I came back to the site from time to time (and finally registered) because I realized what I really needed was to be more open about my feelings and needs in our relationship. After 25 years of marriage you can find yourselves stuck in patterns of behavior where everything seems good, but great is better. 

Better communication, and making a point of doing more things together are two aspects of continuous courting. The real payoff has been that we feel more connected. (I have to add that a specific benefit has been WAY MORE sex and WAY MORE variety in sex.)

TAM was just one part of this renewal project, but it has been helpful. There is wisdom in the experiences of others and there are some pretty insightful contributors here.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

*How has TAM made your marriage/relationship better*

TAM has reinforced for me that I never want to marry again.

True story.

And I say that with zero bitterness. It just sincerely has reminded me over and over again that I never want to be married. And that is a good thing. So yeah, it's been helpful to me, just in a different way.


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## delirium (Apr 23, 2012)

I'm not entirely sure that TAM has helped my marriage - but I enjoy it here. I started reading about a month before our wedding and I think it caused more anxiety and paranoia for me than I would have otherwise had - there were a lot of unnecessary issues early on. I've since then learned which threads to avoid and I'm able to distance myself from a lot of what I read here. I've discovered social recently, and that's a lot of fun.  

I mostly read TAM because of the regulars here and the insightful advice/witty banter they offer. Also - I'm around my kid all day and usually dying for some adult interaction/socialization.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

TAM has helped me to understand why certain actions / activities among OSFs are toxic to a relationship and how to articulate them. 

For example, realizing that a man and woman going out one on one is a date. 

For those who refuse to see it that way, it is date like and can lead to the kind of confusion that may make one party accuse the other of leading them on..... which is exactly what my (now) fiance's "friend" did with him.

A few other message boards defend OSFs, particularly ones tht are majority female.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

The longer I am here, the more I am reminded of how truly respectful of women dh is, and how mature. 

He knows it is important to listen and really try to understand what I am feeling, even though it may be inconvenient to him, or not something he thinks is a big deal.

He realizes that until we are both feeling good about an issue, there will not be true peace and harmony in the marriage.

He does not feel threatened by women and their emotions.

He does not feel the need to attack women, or blame them. He is sensitive to their vulnerabilities.

I am really lucky I did not marry a needy, insecure man. I am sure I would have eventually left a man like that.


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