# Keeping the Flame Burning, From Afar



## Convection

I've been reading on this board, off and on, for about two years now. Reading about the mistakes and successes of others has been extremely eye-opening and has definitely affected the way I approached both my own marriage and personal growth, for the better.

My wife and I have been married for almost 15 years, together for 17. For the most part, our marriage is great. We have rough spots and disagreements but IMO, our relationship grows and gets better every year. I have one stepson, who is an adult and is on his own, so we have no kids at home.

Right now, we are geographically separated due to my employment, have been for two years already, and will be for one more year until I retire from military service. We go back and forth a bit between locations as much as possible. When we are together, the sex is good and we have constant non-sexual affection (cuddling, kissing, hand-holding). Fights are rare.

So the point of this diatribe: what are some things I can do from a distance to keep building our relationship?

We text constantly, including flirty texts & pics, and talk almost every day. I try to send her little gifts and cards now and again (one of her Love Languages), and I know she appreciates them. I could be better/more consistent about doing this.

I worry about us drifting apart. She's not a big talker about relationship issues, so I kinda wonder what she is thinking at times. She says she's in it with me for the long haul ... but I know distance and time can chew up a relationship. She's also dealing with some massive long-term renovation at the house (basically, it's been gutted - long story), which is stressing us both.

So collective TAM wise-people, what else can I be doing here?


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## dsGrazzl3D

I would say that it all sounds good. Simple things are the most important. If you are both open, honest, and have respect for each other, then just keep communicating daily (or as much as possible). It really can be simple. I want to thank you for your service. To me the military and marriage always seems to be a scary oxymoron. I hope and pray that it all works out well for you. I am nervous for a younger brother going thru basic now. He also left for basic while baby #2 is on the way... He is young and hard-headed so I just pray they can find examples like you to help them in the coming years... Good Luck!


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## Convection

Thanks. Military and marriage is a tough combo. At nineteen years now (plus several decades growing up in a military family), one more year will be more than enough.

We both really make an effort to keep communication going and so far, haven't had any problems there. I am going to see her in a week to help with the house, which is always a chance for us to reconnect.


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## Coffee Amore

Do you Skype? I didn't see that listed. Even my old parents Skype with their friends in other places. It's a webbased way of having a face to face conversation. And if you're both agreeable to it, you can do other things during the Skype conversation too. Depends on how bold you two are.


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## Convection

Yes, thank you that is a good suggestion. My wife is a little shy, so I don't expect anything risque ... but seeing each other can't hurt.

I am down visiting her now so I will try to get that set up for both of us.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wiserforit

Thread may be a little stale but my wife and I were apart for nine months waiting on immigration. 

I called her every morning to wake her from bed. She put me to bed every night. 

Five years ago all I had at the cabin here in Alaska was dial-up. So we could not do video chat. I had two phone lines so what we did was have one on video at a time and talked on the phone. 

But having that twice a day schedule was good.


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## Thundarr

It depends on your wife's needs obviously but the thing my wife picked out of a letter I wrote to her a while back was that I said I wanted to grow old with her and take care of her. And believe me I said a lot of sappy mushy things but that's the one that she seemed to remember the most.


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## Convection

Not stale at all and I appreciate the insight, gents.


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## Convection

Update:

I took time off from work and went to see her for a few weeks (and work on house renovations). It was a productive time for the house and the relationship.

I have been scheduled since April for some minor surgery for yesterday (my knee, on an outpatient basis). Two days before I returned, Wife decides she is going to ride back with me and see me through the operation. When I told her that I didn't want to tear her away from everything she had going, she said she didn't want me to be alone when I woke up. She's sweet that way.

She's been back with me at my duty location for about two weeks now. Things are good. I have the week off for convalescent leave, so a lot of sitting on my duff. The operation went fine; no issues, just a lot of pain. Thank goodness for pain meds.

We're existing in my one-bedroom apartment without killing each other. It's tight and both of us like our space to unwind. On my 20-acres in my soon-to-be-permanent location, we have room to spread out. Here, not so much. But we're making it work. Lots of patience exercised by both of us. I think I have found that is one of the biggest successes to our marriage. The more patience we both exercise with each other's foibles (and we have some!), the better off we are. She is naturally more patient than I am, so I have had to learn and exercise it.

Still have not added Skype to the phones; it is an excellent idea but I have procrastinated and we have been together the whole time since the suggestion was made. I just need to do it before she leaves.

I'll update in a couple weeks after she's back at our house and I am on my own again.


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## Convection

Ah, here we are again. 

W is still here with me at my duty location. I have enjoyed having her here and things have been 90% good. We did have one tiff last week because I was pissed at something and bottled it up, but eventually she got me to crack, we talked it out, made up the right way :smthumbup: and things have been fine since.

She knows she has to go back to our permanent location soon and start working on the house again, so our time together will be coming to an end.

She left this morning to go to the east coast for a few days for a family emergency, to help her sister. She'll only be gone through the weekend but this is a field test for us. I got Skype installed on both phones and we tested it last night, so I hope we can do it at a distance and see how it works. During last night's ops check, she flashed me (of course, I looked away and missed it) and we had a good laugh.

Ten months to military retirement and being together for good. One day at a time.

This is becoming less of a question thread and more of a journal on our progress, I guess. Still counts as long term success, right?


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## Convection

Wife left a few days ago to head back to our permanent home. She made it safely and is spending some time with our son and granddaughter, while continuing the house renovations. I remain here at my duty location for just under 10 months. It was great having her here, though every time she leaves, all the old emotions come flooding back.

I'm probably not all that compatible for long-term relationships. Not because of cruelty or faithlessness but just because I value my solitude, and really enjoy doing my own thing. I like interaction with friends and family, but I also like them to leave. I know you can't completely do your own thing in a marriage and I struggle with that sometimes (gotten easier over time). Fortunately, W is very patient. She strikes a great balance between giving me my space and not letting me get away with getting distant. She's awesome that way, and I never thought I would meet someone who gets me so well.

(This is why I once thought I would never get married, and God forbid, if something ever happened to her, I can't imagine I would again.)

So I am coping with the conflicting emotions. I am glad to have my personal space back and I am not lonely, per se. But I do miss *her*. We just complement each other so well.

I mentioned she's a Gifts and Acts of Service LL person. I have a few things lined up over the next few months that I can send/do from here (not going into details, as she may read this). We still text throughout the day and talk at least once every evening, and never stop that. Trying to think what else I can do.

I am heading down to see her (and work on the house) for a few weeks right around Labor Day, then again at the holidays. After that, I am here until I finish. She may come back up to see me in the interim (TBD).

One foot in front of the other, one day at a time. Just gotta keep my eyes on the goal line....


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## Convection

Okay, been a while since I updated. Not that I have a ton to update, but...

Going to visit the wife for three weeks right after Labor Day. I was planning on working on the house renovations during that time but life has a way of throwing you curveballs. We found out that one of her sisters, who has been fighting cancer for several years, has been pronounced terminal. So we are going out to the other end of the country to see her for a bit. It will very hard on my wife and I need to support her. About the same time, I got read the riot act by my folks; I was in the Middle East for a year, have been back to my resident state once since I came back and did not see them, so I haven't visited them since last November, even though we talk on the phone weekly. My dad is retired military and they understand me being far away but we are close and I know prolonged absence bothers them. So I will have to detour through there as well for a few days. Felt a little angst that this prolongs my home improvement process but I had to tell myself, "So what?" You do these things for family.

We're doing pretty well. She's been gone almost six weeks now. We talk daily, text a lot, and email here and there. She sends me picture of things going on there, including of our granddaughter's shenanigans. She is really cultivating a good relationship with her granddaughter (who is almost three) and getting closer to her son, so I have that to be thankful for. Our communications have remained upbeat and flirty; despite the serious nature of our side trip to her sister's, she is getting more excited about me being back. I can tell in her voice.

She runs her own craft business and is always looking for knick-knacks to incorporate into her work - old glassware, watches, wrought-iron, and the like. So without telling her beforehand, I yesterday went and pawed through a bunch of garage sales and bought some stuff I thought she would like to use. I sent her pictures of what I got and she was all tickled that I did that for her. So yeah, a few hubby points there. And I have upped my workout routine. I put on a few lbs after she left; now I have lost that, plus a few more, with a few weeks to go (aiming for 4-5 more, should be doable). Nothing like giving her extra incentive to jump me when I walk through the door. 

And I have my official retirement paperwork submitted and approved, so I should be out of here the first week of May. Feels good to have a hard cutoff. Less than nine months to go.

In the short term, just ticking off the days until I go see her.


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## Convection

Things are still good but they never get any easier, you know? Wife is having some health issues; one flare up this week may ground her and prevent her from flying, rendering the trip I mentioned above untenable. So now I am worried about her and other stessors mount up (i.e., the pain of fighting with the airlines over the tickets if she medically can't travel, rescheduling so she can see her sister, etc.) but I am trying to keep an eye on the important things: we'll be together and get her issues taken care of.

All right. Out the door and on the road in less than twenty-four hours.


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## Coffee Amore

I hope you two enjoy a good visit during Labor Day. Hopefully, your wife is able to fly without any medical issues flaring up.


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## Convection

Back now. Long three weeks.

We flew to the east coast to see her sister - and as it turned out, her 90-ish grandmother who had fallen and broken a hip. So a lot of family stress. Our flight out was very early, so we stayed in a hotel at the airport the night before (we live three hours away from the airport). I tried to queue up Netflix to watch a movie, but we had no connection in our motel room. I called the front desk and asked, only to be told they wanted to charge us an exorbitant fee for a night of internet (exorbitant even by hotel fee standards). When I told W this, she scoffed, flopped on the bed, and said, "Screw that. Let's have sex instead." So we did, for several hours.

Sadly, that was the high point of the visit. The time with her relatives was stressful and depressing, if necessary. We were on the go for a week and barely slept. One night, I had to hold my wife when the stress broke her and she broke down and cried. To top it off, when leaving the east coast to return to the desert southwest, I - being stupid and not paying attention - rammed the rental car into the curb at the airport and flattened the tire, right in the drop-off lane. Oy vey. Made it back to see my folks and that was okay ... but my well of patience was just about dry and it's not that deep to begin with.

We got back and got some work done on our house. My wife developed a hacking cough that she still hadn't quite shaken when I left (though it was getting better) and it drained what little energy she had left. I worked myself to the point of dropping for a few days and the emotional and physical exhaustion started taking its toll on the both of us. We were cranky and sniping at each other and it only got worse, and both of us were over-reacting to minor stuff. Other than talking during the flights and all the driving time, we didn't get to spend a ton of good quality time together, and almost none once we returned home. I slept on the edge of the bed several nights, just because I felt distant and detached. She noticed and commented on it. I didn't even have the strength to debate it with her. I did start snuggling again with her (she says she sleeps best in my arms) several nights later. 

We had a pretty good talk at lunch right before I left and re-confirmed our love for each other, which was needed by both of us. In the couple of years we've been living apart, this has been the most emotional and hardest visit we've had, so I want to chalk this up to an anomaly due to stress and illness, and that both of us are quite tired of this separation. I also got to spend some good time with my granddaughter, which I know has been big for my wife (they live just down the road from our house).

9 May should be my last day of active duty, so about 7.5 months to go. Thank God it's almost over.

So what's the "long-term success" lesson here? Keep calm and carry on, I guess. Keep breathing, don't make any sudden movements, etc. I know we still love each other; it just wasn't a good trip and we were both stressed and tired. I think this harkens back to that love bank concept, in the sense that Wife and I have built up a lot of credit and lot of "deposits" with each other over the course of the marriage. When life happens and stresses, we can afford to take some out without doing too much damage.

In a way, the bad times are good for us, because the contrast reminds us how good the good times are (which are 95% of our time together). She agrees.


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## Convection

Journal Entry #796. Time keeps on ticking, into the future.

Been back at my duty location for about two months now. It's hardest around the holidays - being without my wife, that is. I spent Thanksgiving with a buddy from work, who put on a huge spread. He had a bunch of family in, so one more mouth to feed made little difference. I was even complimented by his mom for "dressing appropriately for dinner," so that was a bonus. For a guy that does jeans, boots, and flannel most often, I do clean up nice. Since my son went to his in-laws for Thanksgiving, my wife went to stay with my folks and everything seemed to go fine.

Lady Convection and I have been talking every day and texting constantly - sometimes normal issues, sometimes mushy love talk, sometimes some filthy sexting. I find that she really likes that in our time apart, that the more I communicate, the more loved and appreciated she feels. Random off-schedule texts and emails that I love her, the odd present I mail her (or have flowers delivered) - all that has her just bubbling with giddiness. I try not to overdo it, though; I'm coping with my own, uh, lack of loving, and I do mean loving. Physical relief is easy but without the emotional tie, it's never as good. I have yet to get her to put on Skype performance for me (though I offered the same). I think she's just a hair too shy. 

I know we miss each other; the love is still strong and we are communicating well about issues, so I am optimistic. Our biggest problems right now are coming from our adult son, who is developing some selfish tendencies when interacting with his mother. As hard-nosed as she is, he is the one person she cannot say "no" to and he takes advantage of her in moderate ways. I know that s**t will stop once I get there, as he doesn't even try it with me. So I have to kind of grit my teeth and just be supportive of her as she tries to deal with him. He and I will be having a chat when I am next there.

I go back for a couple of weeks for Christmas and New Year's, then come back here. Once I am back ... well, I am back until I'm done with the Air Force. Should start my terminal leave at the beginning of May and segue into retired life. After that, she will be lucky if she gets out of my sight for more than an hour at a time.

I'm trying to talk her into coming back a few weeks before I am done and driving back to Arizona with me. I thought we could take the long way back, swing through Monument Valley in Utah - maybe even stay in Vegas a few nights - on the way home. You know, do some sightseeing, touristy stuff, shopping, etc. She's been ambivalent so far. I think I am gonna have to do that alpha thing and just tell her we're doing it. She'll go along. I think. 

Anyway, just keeping on. Things are good but I am glad to be getting to the end. Five months.


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## SimplyAmorous

All I can think to say is ..it has to be so hard to be separated from each other for such long periods of time.... I guess we all get used to -what is...when we don't have a choice in the matter....would be great if she warms up to skyping for you though.


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## Riley Le Fleur

Keeping love alive in a relationship is not always easy and there are many distractions and obstacles that can get in the way.

We have to remember our priorities and take time to show our love and affection. Prayer is also important because God can touch my wife's heart in ways that I cannot reach her.

The other keys are faithfulness which amounts to some good decision making. The second key is to not say the wrong things when your partner or you are in an argument. Another words don't say something foolish you will regret later when your not as angry. Those kind of words can really damage a relationship because those words live on in the mind and heart of the one you love.

We must plant good seeds into the hearts of the one we love kind and uplifting words that build up the person are preferable.


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## Convection

All right, off I go to tomorrow, on my plane ride back to the southwestern desert and my waiting wife.

Life down there goes on, with the house and my son, but Lady Convection has not let it get to her too much. She's finding joy in her artwork, friends, and time with our granddaughter. She's maintaining a good attitude. I am doing the same, just counting the days down on my finger until we get back together. And now we're here!

The sexy talk has continued. To be honest, I am sure I will be ready to rip her clothes off the moment I see her. But we're going to be at my parents' house through Christmas and she has always had this irrational fear that they might overhear us, so it's a no-go for a few days. I have tried to explain to her that we have been married for 15 years and that I am pretty certain my parents - old-fashioned as they are - know we have sex. She won't budge on this one. That's irritating, but what's worse is that she will continue to tease me, by dropping sexy hints, bending over in front of me, and so forth. If it had not been months since we were together and she did this, I would feel teased (which is okay) but not annoyed. I refuse to act crabby over this or let it ruin our reunion & holiday but it does bother me. If she follows through with the teasing for the next three days (and based on historical precedent, she will), I am very seriously considering taking her over my knee on Thursday when we do get to our house. Partly as foreplay but more as punishment. Who knows, maybe that's what she's actually looking for: for me to exert my dominance. Wouldn't be the first time. Women, who can figure them out?

Anyway, that's beside the point. The good news, is that we will be back together for two weeks, and since we're not doing any work on the house this trip, it's all about bonding time. She's excited and joyful; during our phone call this evening, she was so happy she was almost in tears and was verbally urging me to hurry up and get there. It does a man's heart good to feel wanted that much.

Can't wait to see her.

I'll peek in TAM here and there but I'll be mostly incognito for a few weeks. Y'all be good.


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## Convection

So .... back here again. Ugh.

"Ugh," just because I am on my own once again. The visit itself went great. Lady Convection and I bonded very well. We spent some time with my folks, had a nice Christmas, and then hung with my granddaughter. She's such a sweetie; at three, her first Christmas was so much fun. Issues with my son remain, and my daughter-in-law is contributing to some of those issues. I want to throttle them both sometimes ... but that's life, right?

I was right, she was a big tease, but it didn't bother me as much as I had thought it would. I guess I was borrowing trouble. Once we got to our own house, it was game on. I don't need to go into details but the nine days were very, very good. 

Four months to go and this separation is done, as is my military time. I have something to do for her that will unfold over the next two months; I will update that as it happens.

Cheers everyone, hope your holidays went well.


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## Convection

Well, I got to see her again sooner than anticipated. Terrible circumstances, though; her sister, who has been fighting cancer for 18 months, passed away last week. We both flew our separate ways to the east coast for the funeral.

It was bittersweet. I mean, I was happy to be with my baby again, for whatever reason, and her other siblings were there and everyone got along pretty well for the visit, which is never a given. I also met one of her other sisters' new husband for the first time and he seemed like a great guy - someone whose company I think I would really enjoy, if we lived closer. On the other hand, it never quite got out of our minds that we were there for a funeral. Even when you know it's coming, it is still hard.

Lady Convection is so strong. She did really well until the memorial itself. I did the best I could to not argue with her the entire time, make sure she didn't have to worry about the travel or lodging arrangements, or anything else. Sometimes, it's a good thing to be a rock for the one you love.

We both returned last night after long delayed flights - me to my duty assignment, her to the southwest. I already miss her. Less than four months until we're together for good.


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## Convection

_Human beings say, "It never rains but it pours." This is not very apt, for it frequently does rain without pouring. The rabbits' proverb is better expressed. They say, "One cloud feels lonely": and indeed it is true that the appearance of a single cloud often means that the sky will soon be overcast._

- Richard Adams, _Watership Down_

Whether it is rain or indeed a lonely cloud, this just never gets any easier.

We had a fire at our house in the southwest. Three Thursdays ago, I had just gotten home from the gym and glanced at my texts, and saw this message from Lady Convection:

*Dontcall yaetbut house om fire.*

Obviously, she was a little frazzled. 

The damage (started by a bad heating unit) was mostly bound in the attic, so personal property loss was light. But the roof was shredded; about ten of the trusses have to be replaced and there is a bunch of structural damage. The important thing was that Lady C was unharmed and no one else was there. Our dogs were smart; they skeddadled out the dog door at the first hint of trouble. Fire department showed up and saved the bulk of the house.

I pretty much gave the story to my boss and jumped in the car and drove down right on the spot. Lady C was a mess but the longer I was there, the better she got. She is settled in a temporary house now and our insurance is working on repairs ... but going to be a long process. She started panicking about the repairs and extra cost and everything else. I just told her, "What is the worst case scenario, Wife? That would be that we lose the house, it never gets repaired, and we are still on the hook for the mortgage. That would be awful but, a) we'll still be together, and b) it won't kill us financially. Anything else is a better outcome. So we'll endure."

We did ... ok. I did everything I could to unload the stress from her onto me and worked my buns off trying to help get the furniture cleared from the house and I fenced with the insurance company (who is being surprisingly helpful). My stepson stepped up - without getting mouthy, for once - and was a big help. Lady C and I had some nice sex when I first got there (bonding after the tragedy, maybe?) but I didn't get much rest and since I shouldered the stress, I started getting snappy as the weeks wore on. The day before I left, we got in a fight - one of the worst ones we have ever had. She cried a lot and even threw some things (not at me) and I did a lot of yelling. A lot. It was calmer the next morning and we cuddled a bit before I had to leave. Since then, we both apologized repeatedly but I still feel an oppressive weight from the fallout of that fight in the back of my mind. That's not how I wanted to leave.

Well, I am back at my duty assignment now, with a few months to go. Having to burn my vacation time to deal with this pushed my final date out of the military back a few weeks. Shrug, I would do it again, because she needed me. But I'd do some things different.

Three more months of this.


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## SimplyAmorous

> *Convection said*: *We had a fire at our house in the southwest. Three Thursdays ago, I had just gotten home from the gym and glanced at my texts, and saw this message from Lady Convection:
> 
> Dontcall yaetbut house om fire*.


Oh Convention, that's awful about the House fire ! Can't imagine the shock & fear reading a text like that...and not knowing. ...how those minutes much have seemed like hours....

A bad heating Unit in the attic... a blessing the loss was light.... I just raised our Home Owners Insurance from $1,000 deductible to $1,500 last month ...as I get tired of how much it goes up every year, trying to lower it some......we've never had to use it....YET....but ya never know!

Our son's GF bought him a Keurig Coffee Machine back in Oct... with plugging that thing upstairs in his room -it took the electric out in 3 rooms upstairs..... we was in need of new wiring...it was pretty bad... had no grounds...so that was a great ALERT for us... I was joking with the girlfriend it's all her fault it cost us almost $6,000 ...but really... I thanked HER.....we were lucky. 

Somehow it FEELS good, even though it costs money.....when we sit back and realize...what could have really happened...what if you were on vacation when the fire started for example....

Yesterday morning Husband walked up top of our hill to take the Suburban to work (Such a bad winter, our driveway turns to ice...its 750 ft long)....and here...someone slashed one of our tires...(probably some Punk teens looking to destroy property) sucks cause we just bought new ones a month before...but they could have slashed all 4.. ... so ...yeah...Thankful !



> *Convection said*:*I started getting snappy as the weeks wore on. The day before I left, we got in a fight - one of the worst ones we have ever had. She cried a lot and even threw some things (not at me) and I did a lot of yelling. A lot. It was calmer the next morning and we cuddled a bit before I had to leave. Since then, we both apologized repeatedly but I still feel an oppressive weight from the fallout of that fight in the back of my mind. That's not how I wanted to leave*.


Not trying to downplay this.. really.. but thought I'd mention this book and what it says about FIGHTING....

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: ... it has this write up on amazon >>



> Gottman debunks many myths about divorce (primary among them that affairs are at the root of most splits).
> 
> *He also reveals surprising facts about couples who stay together. They DO engage in screaming matches. *And they certainly don't resolve every problem.


 ...so it happens to the best of them! 

3 more Months...May if fly for you & Mrs Convection....


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## Convection

Thank you, SA. I don't think we did any lasting damage. I just wish we'd had more time to make up! 

This will all work out. At the end of the day, the house and everything.... it's just stuff. She's more important.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Convection

It does not get any easier.

Had another blow-up with Lady Convection tonight over the house repairs. We seem to be in a pattern of doing this about once a week, and I don't see any way around it, to be honest. Our communication patterns have really diverged over the last few years and we're both too hard-headed for our own good. For the ninth time, I wish the whole thing would have just burned down. I think it would have been easier to rebuild than repair. And on top of that, we might have a plumbing problem that will require part of the foundation to be jackhammered and pipes redone. TBD. So, yeah, it was a good night.

It ended with her hanging up on me, which was unusual, in that I am historically the one that hangs up in anger during a long-distance fight. I stamped around my apartment, muttered a few more choice words, and now, of course, I just sit here staring at the enormity of not only the tasks in front of us (house repairs, me retiring, etc) but now the hurt feelings and stress we inflicted on each other.

I have six weeks to go until I retire, and five until she is here to drive back with me. I just hope I can break this pattern by next the middle of next week. We can't keep arguing like this.

And to top it off, our bank that we have done loyal business with for almost twenty years is shutting down its local branch in our area. We found out they sold off our accounts to another bank. Hurray.

I need to take a few deep breaths.

It does not get any easier.


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## Convection

And then tonight, *snap*, things are just fine. We talked through some difficult house stuff without any problems. Even when we hit what have been sore spots in the past, we clipped right through it. We were on the same page, had no issues, laughed together, came to agreements.... She even repeated multiple, "I love you!"s before we finished talking.

I'd love to know just what it is that sets one of us off in these conversations. Since we got off the phone tonight, I have been turning it over and over in my mind and can't draw a definite conclusion.

She really is something else. If nothing else, it's another reminder I can't ever take her for granted or make any assumptions. I just never know what's going to happen.


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## SimplyAmorous

Convection said:


> And then tonight, *snap*, things are just fine. We talked through some difficult house stuff without any problems. Even when we hit what have been sore spots in the past, we clipped right through it. We were on the same page, had no issues, laughed together, came to agreements.... She even repeated multiple, "I love you!"s before we finished talking.


 Mid Life hormonal shifts -perhaps? Just sounds like a lot of







. your being away, the differing ideas on house repairs.. the foundation & re-piping .. oh my... the bank... it's taking it's toll... you're both on edge...

Can I interject a little humor... I am so not used to my H being away.. its been 15 YEARS since he traveled to another state for training for his job...he is away right now.. 4 days long...getting more welding certifications... 

Got this overheating nasty antifreeze leak right before he left...forgot my gas cap today at the Gas station...son calls up Broke down (thankfully we have AAA).... just little annoyances really..

Husband will be back tomorrow night....days ago, the 1st time we chatted on FB.. kinda strange - never did that before!... he had me Laughing my butt off with some of the things going down where he staying.. 

The dive he's at sounds like the Bates Motel or something......furniture from the 60's, sent me pics just to show he wasn't exaggerating.... door didn't lock when he arrived... no clock/alarm in the room... they were painting the other side of the door when he got there.. the owner has no teeth... he was outside & some man walked up to him in his pajamas with no shoes asking if he smoked... said the food was like Road Kill there..

I asked him if there was a pool early in this conversation, or if he's seen any hot women (yeah we talk like that)...he says ..."No women, no pool, no hot tub & no teeth"...I lost it...:rofl: ...he is not really complaining.. it's just "WOW" -do places this BAD really exist? ..I am getting a roar out of it...One night he has the internet, the next night he didn't ... Boy does he want to get home!



> I'd love to know just what it is that sets one of us off in these conversations. Since we got off the phone tonight, I have been turning it over and over in my mind and can't draw a definite conclusion.
> 
> She really is something else. If nothing else, it's another reminder I can't ever take her for granted or make any assumptions. I just never know what's going to happen.


On the down moments... maybe she is dealing with something at home, behind the scenes that she doesn't want to trouble you with... besides all that is going on.. 

When she hung up.. does she call back..or you? ...do you make up? Making up is just so important, both admitting where you were too harsh, I'm sorry's going forth... do you feel that...express it... so it's "washed in the ocean" type thing... how I describe it anyway...


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## Convection

Sounds like your H is having quite an adventure. I know it sucks to be apart for a few days but it's good for you, too. It lets you miss each other and appreciate what you have.

I'm not ready to ascribe hormones or anything to our up and down spots. I am as much, or more, to blame for it as she is, so I can't make some nebulous pronouncement on female physiology.  As you suggested, I think it is just the stress and lack of communication, our methods of which have drifted apart. It will take us a bit to get back in sync.

And she and I are each afflicted with severe cases of hard-headedness and when we really get into it, neither of us wants to back off. It manifests in both of us as the "Because I'm The Correct one Here," or B*TCH Syndrome. Not exclusively female....

We'll be okay, I just gotta grind through the last of the stress before retirement and try to help her through hers.

Enough babbling, it's Friday afternoon and thus, time for a beer.


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## Convection

Okay....

Today is Sunday. Lady Convection will fly here on Wednesday and after a few more days of finishing up my business/paperwork and retiring from the Air Force, we will drive out of here and head back to our home in Arizona. After all this time apart, after spending a year in the middle-east, and after all the stress with our money-pit house - at long last, we will finally be back together for good. I really can't wait.

And yet, I would be lying if I said part of me was not nervous.

We've been together off and on for a long time. It is going to take some time for us to get used to being together full time. We've had some communication failures during that time, some of which were pretty bad. I am optimistic (she came and lived with me for two months last summer and we had no problems) but realistic. Lady C feels the same way and admitted to a combination of giddiness and nervousness. She's excited, though and says she just can't wait to get into my arms again.

Patience. Communication. Humor. These are the three pillars I am going to lean on to see us through the stressful times. I know I love her. I know she loves me. I am keeping my expectations in check. We will have some speed bumps and have to work through them. We might fight. Hell, we might tear our clothes off within five minutes of seeing each other and never have a problem. I just don't know. As long as we keep making positive steps, we'll be all right.

I really hope I don't screw it up. 

Onward and upward. Prayers and loose change accepted.


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## Dredd

Thanks for the update. Just communicate with each other and everything should be fine. Its you two against the world


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## LovesHerMan

Hi, Convection. Doing a TAM drive-thru, and I saw your post.

You are indeed coming upon a huge crossroad in your marriage, and you are wise to be aware of the pitfalls.

My husband was in the Navy for 7 years, and he recently retired from the commercial airlines. I kept the home fires burning by myself all those years with him coming and going, and I had to adjust to having him around 24/7 in retirement.

Give each other lots of space, and maintain areas where you each can make your own decisions without negative input from your spouse.

HUMOR. Make jokes about your hard-headedness often. Bite your tongue when the urge to be snarky comes up. Never forget that you are a team. Strive for win-win. You may win the argument today, but your marriage will suffer if resentments build. 

Oh, congratulations on your retirement! 20 years is a huge achievement. Wherever you go, you will find ex-servicemen who will share your stories. It is a wonderful fraternity.


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## Convection

Since we are back together and no longer "afar", closing this one up now. Further adventures here in the new thread.


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