# Sad, mad, and hopeless



## FEDUP!

Hello all,

I have been trolling TAM for a while just to see if there is anyone else in my situation. I have found some similar threads but finally decided to just post my situation and hopefully get some unbiased, non angry advice.

I have been with my husband for 22 years; feels like a 100 sometimes. We have one son together and I have a daughter from a previous marriage. We haven't ever had the greatest marriage but it's not been horrible either.

So here's my story: Sorry for the long length of the story in advance: 

8 years ago I found out my husband had been texting and talking to his ex-wife and had been doing it for a very long time. I told him it was inappropriate as he was a married man and they do not have any children together so therefore they shouldn't have anything to talk about. He agreed and said he wouldn't talk to her anymore. I had no reason not to believe him; he had never given me any reason not to trust him so I did trust him. 

Every so often I would casually ask if he had spoken to her and he always looked me right in the eye and said no, I told you I wouldn't and I haven't. 

2 years later I just have a funny feeling so while he and our son are gone to race one Saturday I decide to go online and just take a quick glance at our cell phone bill because for some reason we had not been getting the detailed bill in the mail anymore. I wanted to know why so I found out why. As far back as I could go, 1 1/2 years, he had been texting and talking to his ex-wife all the time; for hours at a time; after I was in bed at night; while I was at work and multiple other times like on my birthday that year for almost an hour he had been talking to her. To say the least, I was devastated! 

Of course when I confronted him he said he had never actually met up with her and would never have sex with her or anyone else and that he loved me with all his heart and he just didn't know why he talked to her. She just needed someone to talk to. I was furious. I wanted a divorce but my 11 year old son begged me not to divorce his dad. Said he didn't want to live in a broken home. I gave in and said I would try to get past it.

NO! It has been almost 6 years now and I can't stand my husband. I did try! I really did! I eventually even let him move back to our bedroom and even had sex with him and tried to forget but I couldn't. I never will! In my mind, it doesn't matter if he actually had sex with her or not. In my mind he has cheated and disgraced me and humiliated me in every way possible and for what? 

We have been together since 1996 and now I am 51 years old and he is 62 and he is happy with his life and I am miserable. I finally decided I could not sleep with him anymore. I can't stand for him to touch me even casually. I made him move to guest bedroom and he is fine with that. He has ruined my life and we are is so much debt and I am miserable. 

Also, I have absolutely no desire to get involved with someone else but I miss the day to day couple interactions like hugs and little things like that. In fact, even if I divorced him I seriously doubt I would ever be in another relationship. I am just so distrustful now and that's not fair to someone else. 

I want out but God, I don't want to start over at my age with nothing. I hate him but feel sorry for him too. How can that even be possible?

the absolute worst thing is he is not a bad person. He cleans, cooks, does anything I tell him to so sometimes I think WTH, just keep him and utilize him since I have no desire for another relationship. 

Sounds awful, I know but he has turned me into this person that I hate so much but what else can I do? In way too much debt and have worked my and his ass off to get what we have and still have a son to get through college. I definitely wouldn't be able to make it on my own.

So, I guess my question is: Is it so wrong to stay with him and use him to clean, cook, go to store, and anything else I need done while I work? I have absolute zero respect for him anyway so what have I got to lose except the next 20-30 years?


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## Spicy

You are very justified to feel betrayed and emotionally cheated on by what he has done. You have tried to forgive him, but you can't. If you can't, then you can't...

It sounds like both of you would benefit from ending this. I would imagine that he would probably like to have sex again in his life (what is he doing for this need right now?) I also imagine you would too! You are still young. Sounds like there is also zero financial reason to stay either.

Seems it would be better to be on your own or to perhaps roll the dice and try to meet someone that you could enjoy the next 20–30 years living with. Time to do your own cleaning and grocery shopping.


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## Mywifecanhelp

FEDUP! said:


> We haven't ever had the greatest marriage but it's not been horrible either.


It sounds like this is one you shouldn't have ever got into. If you are saying this he might be saying the same or worse. The need to have this EA with his XW surely resulted from you not having the greatest marriage. 

I guess your son is almost 18 now and will be going to college maybe. Now would be the time to get out and try to find happiness. It doesn't sound like either of you have any desire or willingness to improve the situation.


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## SentHereForAReason

So much here, sorry you are dealing with this but maybe we can attack it from this angle. For a second, forget marriage, forget divorce, forget him, everything just think about this.

Do you know what makes you truly happy or what you truly want to do with the rest of your life? Does he hinder, enhance or have no impact on that that looks like?


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## BluesPower

FEDUP! said:


> Hello all,
> 
> I have been trolling TAM for a while just to see if there is anyone else in my situation. I have found some similar threads but finally decided to just post my situation and hopefully get some unbiased, non angry advice.
> .
> .
> So, I guess my question is: Is it so wrong to stay with him and use him to clean, cook, go to store, and anything else I need done while I work? I have absolute zero respect for him anyway so what have I got to lose except the next 20-30 years?


You know what, you are completely and totally justified in everything that your feel. And of course he has been sleeping with her unless she is 3000 miles away and he never travels. 

And yes you could use him if you wanted to. But lets be real, you need to divorce him. You need to start a new life and you need to start now. 

Staying and making him pay a penance for what he has done and probably still doing is going to hurt you more than him. 

Just end it and start a new life...


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## Evinrude58

So, has he stopped talking to the ex wife?

You are totally justified in your thoughts. What he was doing totally undermined his feeling for you (if he ever had strong feelings for you) and likely ruined your marriage on it's own. It ruined his feelings for you (his mind was always on HER), and as a result, your feelings were lost as well.

The debt--- that's both of yours now, regardless. If you have a job making a livable wage, then get with your husband and file for bankruptcy and divorce and work out how you will live. There's ways to solve the financial stuff if you have a decent job.

The feelings: Honestly, they seem to be gone and I've never seen them return to a woman. I think he's toast. There is nothing he could do to fix this. You don't even really want to at this point, as you've said.

The USING him for his role as husband but kicking him out of the bedroom: That is WRONG. You either forgive him and be his wife, or you can't and you divorce. Either of those two choices are reasonable on your part. Using him is wrong.


If he stopped the communicating and was trying to be a good husband, that's something to work with. You tried. You can't. The only reasonable thing to do here is divorce. He can go track down his affair partner or find someone else, and you can find someone else as well. Don't say that you don't ever want another relationship. That's crazy talk. You don't NOW. That's normal. Who would feel like having another relationship with a man after going through and still in this kind of situation.

In summary, I think you should solve the financials and divorce. I think your feelings or lack thereof are reasonable and also something you can't do anything about. 

Pray on it. You'll come to a conclusion and have the motivation to move forward whatever you decide. 

One thing, if you can't forgive him but do feel like he has stopped the cheating and is trying to rebuild things with you----- ask for some help from the old Fellow upstairs. Sometimes He will help a person in some amazing ways learn to forgive and learn to love again. I think it's possible. But honestly, the realist in me thinks it's pretty darned rare. 

Realize that you have some choices to make. But not changing anything in your life will not get any changes. Gotta move forward. Good luck and I'm very sorry this happened to you. I had it happen as well. But I'm past it. You can be, too.


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## cc48kel

You asked why not stay for another 20-30 years? This is up to you. Your son is in the college zone so yes you could make it on your own. I agree, being in debt is tough BUT you could find a way. All divorces are messy and then you could be more in debt with the divorce. But really is being alone in an apartment going to make you feel better? It could.... 

OR-- You could continue on with how things are going BUT focusing more on you!! Do more things for yourself, hang out with family and friends.. Enjoy your life as much as you want. You mentioned that you have no desire to date another so date yourself!!!

I have been married for 18 years and a few years ago I really wanted a divorce. I was upset, angry, and just miserable that our relationship wasn't what I wanted. I felt betrayed because he wouldn't work on our marriage- no physical, emotional, mental support--NOTHING. I visited lawyers and started planning. I also saw a therapist too. One session she told I had every right to be happy and that it is possible even thou my marriage is nothing that I want it to be. At first I didn't understand but now I'm content. I'm doing more things for myself than ever before. So it is possible to stay put or until your 100% ready to leave.


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## OnTheFly

Not making judgments, but this thread needs ALOT more info and input from Mrs. Fedup and Mr Fedup.


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