# Husband withholding sex



## Quaintrelle (May 13, 2012)

My husband has made it very clear to me that he no longer finds me attractive and refuses to have sex with me. We haven't had any kind of sexual contact since Christmas.

I take responsibility for some of this. The issue is my weight - I have gained a fair bit of weight in the time we've been together. This has in part been caused by medication I am on - I am a breast cancer survivor and now have to take a few hormonal medications, long term. Weight gain is a side effect of those meds. However, it's not all the fault of the drugs and I have taken to really watching what I eat and exercising every day. Serious exercise too, not just a walk around the block. Weight is coming off but very, very slowly (and that _is_ the fault of the drugs).

He's now withholding sex until I lose a sufficient amount of weight. And withholding other stuff too. Like, apparently I'm too fat to go on vacation with this year, so that's not happening. He's going away by himself.

But, it's not really the what, but the how. What has upset me much more than this rejection of me (though that does sting quite a bit) is the way he's gone about it. Had he chosen to bring up the issue of my weight and its consequences with me with love, concern, respect, and in a way that would allow me to handle the problem with some dignity, I'd be in a much better place about it all. Instead though, he did it with anger, yelling, insults and vile name-calling, and the intention of causing massive hurt and humiliation. And boy, did he hit the target. My confidence and self-esteem is in shreds. I can no longer be naked around him and have taken to covering up in bed (I've always slept naked, Summer or Winter), not letting him see me in the shower, all that stuff.

All this has serious consequences for me. I know I can heal a great deal of this myself, but I fear my feelings towards him have been changed forever. When I am feeling better and more confident about my body, I can't right now imagine giving myself to him sexually again. He's been so horrible about it, I now don't feel that I can be vulnerable with him, especially vulnerable and naked. I also feel that when I get my mojo back, he doesn't deserve to have it handed to him on a platter ("Hope I'm skinny enough for you now!"). I'm not interested in getting revenge or playing games, I just feel right now that I can't be bothered casting any more pearls before swine. I'm worried this will snowball into being the end of my relationship.

Anyone else gone through this? How did you handle it?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Your weight isn't the problem here.


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## Gemwas (Apr 26, 2012)

You know what sweetheart, LEAVE HIM!

You sound like you have been through so much, survived a great deal, you deserve love, respect and to be cherished and you are being emotionally and verbally abused in every way.

I have put on an awful lot of weight since I first got together with my Husband. Primarily since the death of my brother under quite nasty circumstances. I get told everytime I waiver in the confidence department to stop being so silly, I am loved for me, myself and I and not because of what i see in the mirror. I will be gorgeous to him no matter what, he will "help me lose weight if thats what i want but until im in the frame of mind to do so bring on the dinner!" 

what you are experiencing is abuse. stop taking it now before you get to the point where your strength as a woman fails you.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Your wedding vows must have been different from mine. Mine didn't mention anything about "provided she stays within her assigned weight allowance". Does your husband have some written guarantee that his body or face isn't ever going to change? He could leave for work in the morning looking like Brad Pitt and end up looking like a smoldering, permanently disfigured freak of nature before he returns home. Placing values on people based on their looks is a dangerous game which could easily backfire.


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## Gemwas (Apr 26, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> Your wedding vows must have been different from mine. Mine didn't mention anything about "provided she stays within her assigned weight allowance". Does your husband have some written guarantee that his body or face isn't ever going to change? He could leave for work in the morning looking like Brad Pitt and end up looking like a smoldering, permanently disfigured freak of nature before he returns home. Placing values on people based on their looks is a dangerous game which could easily backfire.


here here! I dont think I have read anything on here yet that has made me quite as mad! You marry someone because you adore them in EVERY way, not just how they look!


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## Marvel212 (May 7, 2012)

Unfortunatly my mom is going thru the same thing. Lose the weight for you! Not for him. If he wants to go on vacation let him go... But you better go out with some of the girls and have fun. Dont let him control you anymore.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You've come through so much. You've been snatched from the jaws of death, so every day is like God's special present for you. Your husband is acting like a jerk. Try not to let that rain on your party. Working out to lose weight is ok, I guess, but how about just getting outdoors and having a little fun because you're alive and, by God, you can!? You are so much more than just a number on a set of scales! While you were on the meds, you probably felt like crap and weren't able to have much fun. You sort of owe it to yourself to celibrate a part of the world that you were missing. Every day is a gift of 24 hrs to each of us and the sun doesn't rise or set on any man or any woman. Don't worry about him or the future. Just make up your mind to live 100% every day, to get and give the most out of every hour. You are a beautiful daughter of God, created in His very own image. What's more special than that?


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

i just dont get it with some of these guys.
if he loves you, he should love YOU, regardless of putting on some weight.
i can understand wanting your wife to take care of herself and not look like a slob and be healthy but come on, if a guy only has that to complain about, hes doing pretty damn good.

i think i usually see it as an excuse for something else, usually him finding someone else. then they blame it on the wife because 'she is fat'.
bs

i would just love to have someone around to GET extra weight.

that kind of excuse is just [email protected]

plus on top of it he is being verbally abusive to you.

tell him to get the fvck out and get his skinny chick on, you dont need any of that.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

The biggest issue you both have now is resentment.

He resents your weight, and possibly other things not mentioned.

You resent his angry attitude towards you, and his belittling you.

You both have reasons for your resentment, the question is what are both of you going to do about it?

If there is still some love left between you two and some willingness from both of you to try and save the marriage it can happen. Forgiveness, love, communication, and time do wonders to heal even large wounds.

If both of you are interested in saving the marriage you are going to have to set boundaries (no tolerance for yelling/belittling you for example) and stick to them. The other part is you are both going to need some counselling. No two ways about it, there are some huge issues to work through for both of you.

You could also divorce like some have suggested, but let's be honest that isn't an easy road either.

In the end it's between you and your husband to decide all we can do is toss out some advice and suggestions.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

I love when the guys speak up like this! Hon, I have struggled with my weight nearly ALL my life. When I got married 12 years ago, I was roughly 325 pounds. I am only 5'3". By the time I had my oldest child, i was 408. I dropped down to 350 within 4 months. But then, the weight crept back. I can't believe my husband was even attracted to me at my top weight of 467 pounds! I had gastric bypass and got down to 250, but after having two more kids, and slacking off on my eating habits and everything, I started gaining again. I'd say I am around 330 now. But guess what? My husband wanted me ALL that time...I'll admit, he likes women with meat on their bones, but it's more than that. He loves ME, thick or thin, blonde or brunette, etc. It's the INSIDE that he loves. The outside is just the packaging. If your husband can't accept you for you, then HE needs to be given the ultimatum, not you. And lose the weight for yourself, not for him. BTW, congratulations on surviving breast cancer! I applaud you! *hugs*


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> I love when the guys speak up like this! Hon, I have struggled with my weight nearly ALL my life.


That's a beautiful story Maricha, thanks for sharing!


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Suppressed said:


> But, it's not really the what, but the how. What has upset me much more than this rejection of me (though that does sting quite a bit) is the way he's gone about it. Had he chosen to bring up the issue of my weight and its consequences with me with love, concern, respect, and in a way that would allow me to handle the problem with some dignity, I'd be in a much better place about it all. Instead though, he did it with anger, yelling, insults and vile name-calling, and the intention of causing massive hurt and humiliation. And boy, did he hit the target. My confidence and self-esteem is in shreds. I can no longer be naked around him and have taken to covering up in bed (I've always slept naked, Summer or Winter), not letting him see me in the shower, all that stuff.


I could have cried for you when i read this... 

Does he know what his words have done to you?
Does he care?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My mom is an emotional eater. She ate her feelings. She's tall but she was still quite heavy. I got to sit back and watch my dad belittle my mom day in and day out about her weight. He called her vile names and was ugly. It affected me so badly that I developed an eating problem and had a bad body image. It's better but I still feel I'm never thin enough and my mood is dictated many times by the number on the scale.

And I can say with 100% honestly it wasn't my mom's weight that was the core problem in their marriage. It was that he is an ass.

We're estranged now but last I heard I think he's now locked up in a psych ward. He's 71.

Karma's a *****. LOL


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## cinimini15 (Apr 30, 2012)

Suppressed said:


> Like, apparently I'm too fat to go on vacation with this year, so that's not happening. He's going away by himself.


I dont want to be rude or come off harsh but In my past experince this means he mite be looking for an excuse to get a divorce. I had someone do this to me and I found out he went and cheated on me and we broke up 3 months after that and I found out he had a baby with another women. 

You are a strong person and you need to leave him, or atleast tell him how you feel and then let him decide if he wants to stay. If he doesnt, you will be better off without him. 
Good Luck and I hope you make the right decision for you.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Suppressed, I know his words were cruel, mean, and hurtful. They were said in anger and probably had little to do with what he was really feeling. When we're angry, it's easy to use words like weapons, just for their hurtful effect.


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## uzername (May 1, 2012)

I hope that you do lose the weight, but definitely not for him - or any man! I hope that you get the body you want, become happier and regain your confidence - which you obviously had in the first place to be so comfortable naked sleeping! Shame on this man for humiliating you like this. If he was a decent human being he would never have done that. Even if he spouted off because he was mad about something else - he could have apologized, explained what was going on, and still discussed the issue of your weight with you (instead of AT you).
Plus, the solo vacation thing? Red flag. 
I think you should do what you need to in order to get yourself out of this relationship and into a healthier (emotional) environment.
You are a proven fighter! Kudos to you


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## Quaintrelle (May 13, 2012)

Wow. Thanks everybody for the outpouring of support! That's really lovely, and a bit unexpected.

Just want to answer a few things...

First off, I am losing the weight for myself and not for him. I've done it before and I'll do it again. I know what a confidence booster it is. It's a crucial part of me healing myself. I want to be the person I was again.



Browncoat said:


> Forgiveness, love, communication, and time do wonders to heal even large wounds...


Thanks for weighing in (no pun intended). I was really hoping for a man's point of view here. You're absolutely right. I think we do need counselling. I have so much to say and work through, and I want to do it with an independent arbiter, otherwise he'll just shut me down. I think I can only make a comfortable and informed decision about staying or going if we've tried that.

Forgiveness, love and kindness is all I've really ever wanted from him, but it's always been in short supply. I've come to the conclusion that he needs to learn empathy, which is a) something a professional should probably decide and b) something only a professional can help him with. Missing that little piece of humanity and not being able to handle anger is something that spills over into all other areas of our relationship. Without empathy you can't show kindness or compassion, or even feel regret, which is an important ingredient in a sincere apology. Consequently, I've never really had one from him for anything.



waiwera said:


> I could have cried for you when i read this...
> 
> Does he know what his words have done to you?
> Does he care?


No, I don't think so, but I intend to tell him. Soon too, now that I'm able to talk rationally about the situation instead of crying my eyes out. Second part, I don't know. This is a discussion I'd really like to have with a counsellor present.



cinimini15 said:


> I dont want to be rude or come off harsh but In my past experince this means he mite be looking for an excuse to get a divorce...


Ok. I know how this looks. But it's not terribly unusual for us. His friends and family are in another state, and once a year he goes back to visit them, for the most part without me. Always has. Not that I've ever been happy about it, but he needs it and I tolerate it. I suggested a nice vacation elsewhere for this year, just the two of us (something _I_ really need), and he refused, citing my weight. I'm pretty sure the real reason is a) he's always been selfish about this, and b) my suggestion involved flying somewhere. He's terrified of flying. He is unwilling to bend on either of these issues.

I'm also no longer prepared to content myself with whatever crumbs of his time he's prepared to throw me after he's had fun with his friends. I'd rather go off and have some quality time without him.



unbelievable said:


> When we're angry, it's easy to use words like weapons, just for their hurtful effect.


I know. I hear ya. But he is a master at this and the regularity with which he does this is now intolerable. I've made that excuse for him sooo many times over the years, it's time to stop. And they're not just flimsy words I can brush off. In this latest round he has called me a "fat fu#%*ng lummox" and "unfu#!%ble", amongst others. When I was having treatment, was bald, sick and at my lowest ebb ever in my life, he couldn't handle the way I looked then either. He told me that if I wanted physical affection it wasn't going to come from him and that I should "have an affair or see a male prostitute". Nice.

I don't think words like that are things that can be waved away with the excuse that they were said in anger. I think it's time he got that under control. As long as he says it was just in anger, he avoids taking responsibility for his words and actions. Time for that to stop.


Hmm. Writing all this makes me wonder why I do stay! :scratchhead: I guess I really want to give it one good try with a counsellor, properly, before I decide to leave.


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## Darkflower (Dec 2, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> You've come through so much. You've been snatched from the jaws of death, so every day is like God's special present for you. Your husband is acting like a jerk. Try not to let that rain on your party. Working out to lose weight is ok, I guess, but how about just getting outdoors and having a little fun because you're alive and, by God, you can!? You are so much more than just a number on a set of scales! While you were on the meds, you probably felt like crap and weren't able to have much fun. You sort of owe it to yourself to celibrate a part of the world that you were missing. Every day is a gift of 24 hrs to each of us and the sun doesn't rise or set on any man or any woman. Don't worry about him or the future. Just make up your mind to live 100% every day, to get and give the most out of every hour. You are a beautiful daughter of God, created in His very own image. What's more special than that?


QFT. Unbelievable, I wish I could have hit the "like" button 500 times. You're a good person.

And so are you, OP! You deserve so much better than this, and you know better than many of us, as Unbelievable pointed out, how fragile and precious life is--too precious to be wasted on someone who doesn't deserve the heartache you feel over him.

I admire the fact that after all it sounds like he's done, you still have the magnanimity to want to help him dig to see what the hell his problem is, and possibly save your marriage. I'd have been long gone years ago.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

"I don't think words like that are things that can be waved away with the excuse that they were said in anger. I think it's time he got that under control. As long as he says it was just in anger, he avoids taking responsibility for his words and actions. Time for that to stop."

I don't suggest you excuse his words or even forgive them. I just hope you don't let them eat at you and define how you see yourself. He's been a huge jerk and if you were my daughter, me and my axe handle would be giving him lessons in interpersonal communication skills and manners. The world is full of cruel jerks but they don't get to define who you are. His words say more about the condition of his own putrified soul than they do about your weight. You are entitled to peace and joy and even without his support you can have both.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

It's not the weight you need to lose. It's that as*hole husband of yours!


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Suppressed said:


> Hmm. Writing all this makes me wonder why I do stay! :scratchhead: I guess I really want to give it one good try with a counsellor, properly, before I decide to leave.


I think it's important that for no other reason than you will know you gave it your all, to do just that: give this marriage your all in trying to repair it.

If after going through counselling and trying your best it's over... well then sadly that may be.

If it's repaired then awesome!!

Either way you will know in your own heart that you didn't give up. That you aren't a quitter and that you fought for the man you at least once loved... I assume you still do.


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## Quaintrelle (May 13, 2012)

Yeah. I do. I'm no victim, but yeah, I do. I have this belief that all our major problems come back to one major thing in him that is currently missing but can be repaired if we get help and if he does the work on himself, with my help.

There's only so much I can do. Eventually it will come down to something as simple as 'am I important enough to him for him to do this work?' And I either will be or won't be. Right now I feel I wouldn't be. We'll see.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

I'm going to assume you've done nothing to create this anger, cruelty, and resentment in him and give the following advice....

LEAVE HIS SORRY AZZ!!!! DITCH HIM. DON'T LOOK BACK.

He's going to call you fat and verbally abuse and damage you over something you can't control, and damage your psyche just so he can have a "thin" wife he's physically attracted to? Are you kidding me? He's a piece of crap. Sorry, but I get so tired of hearing of guys (and gals) pulling this type of nonsense. Were the issue caused by you and you were complacent and refused to change, well then, maybe he'd have an argument for taking strong action. Not abusive action, but strong action. He's crossed huge lines and landed himself right into "d!ckville..... population: HIM". 

Hon, so sorry. Find someone who appreciates you for you. He seems to clearly not be that person. I could not ever imagine saying such vile and disgusting things to someone I purported to love and who had such issues due to a HEALTH ISSUE. 

Don't work yourself to death over a piece of crap. Do it for you, be satisfied (no matter the result) you did your best, and then find someone who appreciates you for you, and not just a place to park his penis.


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

Get on the internet and get a single ticket to where you want to go on vacation,set up a room and go.You ever hear of a movie called Shirley Valentine watch it then go out and live.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> Your weight isn't the problem here.


I agree with this.

I broke my neck 4 years ago. I use to run 36 miles a week. I now can barely walk and I'm lucky to have a handicap parking permit. I need a wheelchair when we go out. I'm only in my 30's and housebound.

I've put on a bit of weight. It was 30+ pounds at first. I've lost some due to cutting calories and I can bike on a stationary bike. Since biking, I can walk a little farther and complete a few more tasks without going into unbearable pain. I still have 2 herniated discs and permanent spinal cord damage. I also take medication, some side effects are weight gain.

My husband has never withheld sex ever. Gosh, I gained 100 pounds with 2 of his children. He still found me sexy. I lost that weight, but I was a runner then and it came off quickly.

My husband stands by my side and is serious with our vows. Even at our worst times. If weight was a problem, he'd tell me in a nice way.

I'm truly sorry your husband is putting you through this. There's got to be an underlying reason for this. It's extremely shallow of him to treat you this way.


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## lifesabeach (Feb 25, 2012)

Ok I am a guy and here are my 2 cents.

Your H is an A$$!! To have gone through what you have and have to deal with this too!

My W has gained a lot of weight since we were married but you know what? I still think she is sexy. I still want her. I would never withhold sex no matter what she looked like because I love her.

You definitely need to tell him how hurt you are because of what he is doing. He needs to be supportive and caring not an A$$!!


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## mdtyler52 (Dec 12, 2014)

I've read the other blogs where women are praised for withholding sex in order to get the man or husband to lose weight. 

So that I understand: A woman can withhold sex and it's considered acceptable because she is motivating her boyfriend or husband to lose weight. A man who withholds sex in order to have his girlfriend or wife achieve the same result is an insensitive prick? 

Does anyone else see the fallacy in this logic?


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

I'll give you my "man's" point of view. Your husband is an abusive ****head. My wife is heavyset and very self conscious of her weight. She always want the lights off for sex time. 

I just get out of bed and turn the lights back on. I love her and am attracted to her no matter what.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

I'm a guy and I agree with everyone else. For someone to be that cold, mean & manipulative, there is no saving your marriage. Looks have nothing to do with it. I've known men who have knockout wives, but are real "b*tches, and the guys have no desire to be intimate with them. The body might be a doorway, but the heart keeps you inside. You deserve better, go get it.


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## NorCalMan (Dec 14, 2011)

You indeed deserve better ... much better!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

The weight would be a lot easier to lose than the memory of your husband rejecting you. A person can work out or diet and drop weight but how can one forget being shoved away by the person who promised unconditional love?


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## Chorus_of_Men (Jan 2, 2016)

In Lysistrata, the women withheld sex until the men agreed to end the Peloponnesian War. Is my comparative apples and oranges or is there a double standard at work here?


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## Chorus_of_Men (Jan 2, 2016)

There is indeed a double standard at work here. In the Greek play, Lysistrata, the women join together in an effort to stop the Peloponnesian War by withholding sex from their husbands and the other soldiers. It was a rave and a social success for women. Today, with nearly 2/3 of the U.S. population overweight, and 1/3 are morbidly obese, I'd be more than willing to continue to withhold sex until the war is won. But that makes me an a$$hole. Go figure.


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