# She Cheated, I lost trust, what now?



## losttrust (Apr 13, 2008)

I have been Happily married (or so I taught) for almost 16 years.We have 2 children. My line of work takes me away a lot but when I come home I am very helpful around the house, I do a lot of the chores and may be more, most of the cooking is done by me, basically the only thing I don't do is wash floors.I also treat her like gold, and I let her spend my money the way she wants (of course it does irritate me sometimes) this past valentines day she came out and told me she had cheated on me and that it was the only time that it had happen. Now there is not a day that goes by that I am wandering if she is with another man or was it the only time really, I have been cheated on before by my ex-wife and now this one. Have I done something wrong? what am I to do with this?


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## CantThinkOfAJUserName (Apr 11, 2008)

losttrust said:


> I have been Happily married (or so I taught) for almost 16 years.We have 2 children. My line of work takes me away a lot but when I come home I am very helpful around the house, I do a lot of the chores and may be more, most of the cooking is done by me, basically the only thing I don't do is wash floors.I also treat her like gold, and I let her spend my money the way she wants (of course it does irritate me sometimes) this past valentines day she came out and told me she had cheated on me and that it was the only time that it had happen. Now there is not a day that goes by that I am wandering if she is with another man or was it the only time really, I have been cheated on before by my ex-wife and now this one. Have I done something wrong? what am I to do with this?


Sadly the rate of female infidelity has practically caught up with male infidelity, so it's not surprising that both men and women who had been betrayed during their first marriage, are also betrayed in their second marriage. I know that this is no consolation for you but it may help you to understand that you are not the only person who has experienced infidelity in both marriages.

Dr Willard Harley Jr is a marriage expert who has a great deal of experience with couples that have experienced infidelity and other marital issues. In his book "Surviving An Affair", he states that careers that take a spouse away from home for more than one day (i.e. military, airline pilots, sales, etc.) tend to create marital environments where an affair is very likely to occur. He also states that SOME affairs are the result of unmet emotional needs and that these needs are different for men and women. So while you may believe that you are meeting her emotional needs, the reality may be otherwise. His book "His Needs, Her Needs" goes into greater detail about what those emotional needs are and has questionnaires to determine what the most important ones are for you and your wife.

I can't tell you what to do because everybody is different but in my case, I tried to reconcile for almost 2 years with my ex-wife after she confessed to multiple affairs. Even though she was remorseful and gave it her all to become a better wife and become an open book to regain my trust, it was simply too much for me to endure and I divorced her. Granted that I could have divorced her right after she confessed to me her affairs but I wanted to follow Dr Harley's principles and give an honest effort at marital reconciliation so that whatever the outcome, I could look back and not be haunted by second thoughts. Even though my marriage did not make it, I have no regrets that I gave it my best and though my wife and I are no longer together, we have a better relationship than when we were married. I would advice you to consider doing the same so that whatever happens with your marriage, you also will be able to look at yourself in the mirror that you did your best.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

It sounds like you have stewd on this for some time.

You hav the choice.

A) You tell yourself she made just one mistake in all those years. Maybe she felt her emotional needs where not met, not that that is a valid reason but from her point of view she made a bad choice and realized just how great you are and wants to solve the issue. You have what many lack a woman's true love. She has been honest and you have shared a good amount of time together and you have for the most part with one exception had a good marriage.

or

B) Decide that you just can't handle it or get over it and walk away.

draconis


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## Heartbroken (Apr 12, 2008)

Just to let you know that I appreciate you reading my post and that it has been moved to the private member's section. I posted a reply to you about what you had written to me. 

I read your own post and I am sorry to hear that you are going through a rough time. I understand what it is like to wonder if you are getting all the information when your spouse tells you of thier infidelity. I also understand the confusion of what to do next. I have no answers either. I just feel rejected and wonder why is my husband still around, if he is not happy? I don't know. If you get any help please share with me too. I need it. I do not have any friends or family that would possibly understand. And I really don't want to go into it all with them. I know if we do work it out that then they would have bad feelings toward my husband. Is that how you feel too?


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