# I am unsure where to go from here and need help/advice...



## needsadvice1 (Jan 2, 2013)

This is going to be a long post, and I apologize for that! I am in a tough situation and I need advice, terribly.

Let me give you a quick background before I go right into the problem: I've been married for almost 8 years. I married very young, and very quickly (age of 21, after only being in a relationship for 8 months). It was very rushed for various reasons that I won't get into now. We've always had our issues, even from the very beginning but, being young and naive, assumed they would never get the best of me. Anyway, we have 2 children now, boy/girl twins whom are 5 years old. They arrived very prematurely and now still have health concerns/issues. Things have gotten better for them over the years, but my son still has issues with learning disabilities, asthma, severe ADHD, frequent sicknesses and other ailments related and unrelated to his birth history - to the point where I have not returned to work at all in 6 years. My daughter has her small issues, but nothing too grand to really add stress to the daily grind.

Anyway, ever since the kids were born, things have gone way downhill in our marriage. (But honestly speaking, things were always strained from the very beginning, just worse off after the kids.) The past year, we are basically on a room-mate status, to be quite blunt. YES, we want to get divorced, but the kids, specifically my son, is really needing a parent home 24/7. It would be so very difficult for me to 1. find a decent paying job, and 2. keep that job with all of the times the school nurse requires me to come and get him or deal with some health matter (I frequently have to go run to the school to administer things like his nebulizer, emergency allergy medications, and now, most recently he has been having what we think are mild seizures - which I always come and take him home or to the doctor when this occurs.) He is also frequently sick with colds and random fevers (like tonight, for example). So, you can see the point I am trying to make here...He really still needs me to always be there and not tied up at a job.

Now, onto the next issue. My husband is originally from Istanbul, Turkey. He has made it 100% clear to me many times that if we were to get a divorce, he would be leaving the country. I can't even fathom my kids dealing with this kind of loss. It would be devastating to them, especially my daughter. My immediate response is to protect them and remain in this horrible, loveless marriage to spare them the pain. I can take the pain of being in this marriage and spare my own happiness, but they are so young...They can't possibly take the pain of losing their father. That is a lot to ask of them. He talks of "maybe coming back sometimes to see them", etc. And when he "gets a job" there, he will surely "send money" to support them...

We now live with my mother (and sister) and have for 3 years. With me needing to remain at home, we could no longer afford housing or other necessities so we had to come here. While we are both miserable living here, even if we lived elsewhere as a more traditional family unit, I would feel the same towards him. I did when we lived elsewhere before we came here. It was just as bad, so that is not even a factor in a chance at reconciliation. In fact, I am 100% sure there will never be reconciliation. I don't feel _anything_ towards him....The thought of ever being intimate, in even the smallest of ways, makes me cringe. I can never get past it. We have so many differences, absolutely nothing in common...From interests to culture to personality...You name it. We rushed into marriage way too quickly and I was way too young. I can't believe we even hung on so long and even decided to have children. But what's done is done, so there is no use wasting time on those thoughts anymore.

I also want to add that my mother can't care for the children as she is disabled. So, counting on her is not an option when it comes to dealing with my son's health issues throughout any given day.

So, we're in this for the children. Like so many I've heard before me...I'm sure this line has been said on this board so many times. I just feel like my situation is a little unique and needed some personal advice after reading these factors. The special needs of my son, needing to stay home mixed with the possibility of leaving my kids fatherless. So much at stake here.

Now, for the final issue. I don't want to be flamed for this, but there is someone else I've been seeing for the past 2 months. I suppose at this point you can call him my boyfriend. I've never in a million years would have considered myself a cheater, but I am so starved for physical attention after all of these years, that I gave in. We have a great deal in common and he exhibits so many traits I look for in a man. It was hard to resist. He hates to see me so unhappy and has been pushing me to start the proceedings for divorce. Not for his own good, or for wanting to come out into the open - so to speak - he knows of the entire story and doesn't really understand what I am sticking around for. He doesn't think I should spare my happiness for the reasons above. I can see his side, but I just don't know if I agree. My kids, and their well-being, means everything to me. He thinks that if my husband would just leave the country because of divorce, then why I am placing such high regard for him? He's punishing the kids for the failure of the marriage. I also want to mention that this guy is our landscaper, who is actually a family friend. So things have the potential to get messy here as well, so I am treading these waters carefully. He's actually hired by my mother and was good friends with my father before he passed away from cancer 4 years ago. So I've known him for 10+ years. I'm not going to go into the story of how we came to be after all these years, it just is what it is. It's the off-season now, so I don't yet have to deal with him being around the house all the time and dealing with hiding anything. I don't even know how I'll deal with that in the coming months. It definitely has the potential to be awkward.

According to my husband, the failure of this marriage is 100% all my fault. He is refusing any responsibility. But this matters not at this point. I am beyond the blame game, beyond even caring about how to fix the marriage. There is no chance. I am here for the kids and that's how it will remain until divorce, eventually. I don't have hatred for him, I am pretty apathetic towards him and the marriage. I am very calm around him. We actually never argue; we are so passed that. So the kids never witness that behavior. They just never see love shared between a husband and wife/father and mother, but there is no way I can "fake" that. I would never even try to put on a show like that. That's one of the things I hate about this, though. The kids aren't learning these behaviors as a model for relationships later on.

I have no clue where to go on from here. My husband and I had a discussion today about the general unhappiness and what to do. Basically, in the end it was just said to stay for the kids still. But he is still asking me to treat him like a husband and like a real marriage, which is pretty impossible for me. This part of the discussion killed me with guilt because of the boyfriend situation. I'm not even sure why he (husband) is wanting that, like some kind of feigned relationship. Why be fake? Why make this even more awkward than it has to be?

If he did find out about my boyfriend, he would surely leave RIGHT AWAY to Turkey, no doubt about it. I am afraid he will find out, but I can't end it. I am happy with him. But it's not like I can leave the husband and run to the boyfriend and expect him to support me in being able to stay home to care for my son.

So I just feel like I am stuck in this horrible, loveless, passionless, sexless sham of a marriage. But the guilt still resides. I have my boyfriend for emotional support and the physical side of a relationship, but then there is my husband supporting the kids and I so I can stay home and take care of my son's needs. I can't have my cake and eat it too, so to speak. At least not for long. I feel like there is no answer here and I feel like a terrible person for what I am doing behind my husband's back. I am just so unhappy with my life and need that love and passion that I will never get or even accept from my husband. 

But I can't carry on like this much longer; living two lives. That's what it feels like. And when the 2 lives merge - which will happen eventually if I continue this - it will be an explosive mess. I find when I am with the boyfriend, I am so happy and then that time comes to an end, and I have to come home to this miserable other life of mine. He is like my escape from reality and I am addicted to it and to him.

Okay, this is getting long! So what should I do? What do you think? I feel like, because of the circumstances, the only answer is to remain at home because of my son. If I can't work and can't support the kids on my own, plus put my kids through the heartbreak of possibly losing their father for good, how can I file for divorce? Ugh, I feel like there is no answer. 

Thank you so much for reading this! I appreciate any feedback or advice you can offer.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

First, you should read the book His Needs Her Needs and see if you have truly done the right things in this marriage. Then you should read Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men, to see if he has been abusive. Then you should read Not Just Friends, or Surviving An Affair, to get a real handle on what your cheating is doing to ALL of you. All are available at the library.

You should NEVER see your boyfriend again, because it will ruin the rest of your life and probably the lives of your children. Please trust me that this euphoria you feel with him will turn to dust in your throat eventually and you will be shamed beyond redemption if you don't quit.

Once you determine if you have been not doing all you can in this marriage (I suspect you haven't, nor has he), then you should consider letting him go. But if you don't do this step first, you'll regret it for the rest of your life.

I think you should divorce him and depend on the government for support. You should get scholarships and start attending online university until you can graduate (it will take several years) and get a job that pays well enough for you to hire help for your children. You should help your children cope with having a father who doesn't love them, and help them move on.


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## [email protected] (Jan 3, 2013)

First of all you should rip up his passport. I'm so sick of hearing about dead beat dads who just up and leave when they feel like it.

So sweetheart you have to protect yourself first! Rip it up and since you're both under financial hardship he wont have money for a new one right away and when it arrives, since he's broke and will probably have to stay, I suggest you rip it up again when a new one arrives in the mail and play dumb. "Passport? what Passport?" and then begin the process of divorce and child support orders, hopefully you can get his wages garnished at that time and get as much money as you can. Also get yourself some free legal help (many cities offer low income geared legal advice.)

But it sounds to me like he's made up his mind to run away like a coward and you're just prolonging the inevitable. All good things must come to an end and so will the bad, horrid and mundane. 

Get yourself some financial assistance since you'll be eligible for $ once you're a single mom. (Depending on the laws in your city.) 

Get yourself a support network. Surely there must be other single moms in the area ready and willing to swap child care in order to work and make some $

As for how to end your relationship, just rip up your husbands passport (pretending not to know where it is) and let him know you will be moving on to seeing other people and explain he is free to do the same, then when he looks for his passport (Oh no!) no passport is to be found and he has to stay and save to get a new one, then run to get a divorce!

Also you have to talk to your children, even young children can understand what's going on, and what will eventually happen and it's better to prepare them now then have them be totally surprised later. 

Afterwards you can introduce your children to your bf and begin working on yourself as a person and begin building a healthier family.

Any goals or dreams in mind? How about pursuing them?

Best of luck.

- Christina


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## GridGal (Jul 3, 2012)

I'm sorry you're hurting. You must feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders with all the implications of the decisions facing you - and the decisions that have already been made. You've asked for advice on here, but have you talked to a counselor at all - either separately, or together with your husband? Your husband may not be willing to do that, but I think it would help you to get some guidance from a professional who's speaking from an objective perspective; especially considering the way your kids will be impacted regardless of what you choose. 

My heart goes out to you, needsadvice1. I'm praying for you and your family!


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