# Looking to find if I'm 'over reacting'



## April Midnight (10 mo ago)

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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

April Midnight said:


> Hi, I've never done these 'forum' things before but have got to a stage in my life (only took a few decades) where I'm no longer that timid girl who would bend over backwards for everyone only to find that when you really need help there is no one there.
> 
> To cut a long story short, I was sexually abused by my father (8yrs to 14yrs), my mother discovered and did nothing except beat me and tell me I must not mention this to anyone. A few years later they kicked me out then invited me back when he was dying (cancer had it for 15yrs), - I thought at the time my mother wanted to make amends, but I realised some 20yrs later it was because family did not know that they had kicked me out - so it was only to keep face and appearances. I have two sisters one older one younger which I thought at the time I was protecting because my mother said we would all split up and put in to homes and I would go to prison for telling lies. Anyway even though he was dead 10yrs ago I went to the police, she confessed and it was proven that I was never lying... turned out my sisters had been told, could never understand why mother had let their father back in the house... but continued to have a relationship with them but decided not to make contact with me, and still make out it was my own fault.
> 
> ...


Short answer to your question: No. It's not unreasonable to have a lack of feeling, or a lack of affection, or a lack of intimacy with someone like your husband.

But

That's not the question you should be asking.
You should be asking "How do I get away from this horrible man"

Your husband is abusive, degrading, self-centered, vindictive, and generally hateful. Maybe it's because of his failed business, or maybe it's because today is Tuesday, I have no idea and it I don't care.

You should not allow this to continue.
You deserve far better treatment than this.

I can relate to your story a little bit because of my wife.
She had a terrible and abusive childhood, and she married the exact same type of behavior.
<edit: then she left him and married me. I'm not him. oops, I left that out>

If your self-worth is so low you don't expect others to treat you right, you just accept their treatment as fair.

Please know that you are worth so much more than this.
Get out of that horrible place and find someone who treat you like their queen.
Not all men are like your husband, or your father. Expect better things from them.

I know you said you have responsibilities and debt, but I will bet there is a way you can do this.
Keep posting here and talk to TAM people. They are great and have lots of experience that can really help.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

April Midnight said:


> Yes i know... leave, but i have responsibilities we have debt (due to normal stuff and covid) and at the moment my only option to clear is to *stick it out*....


April, your comment here I wanted to bring up.
"stick it out" until when? Is there going to be an end to this?
No. there isn't unless you make it end. It will be for life if you let it.
Don't let it. Get out of that situation.


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## April Midnight (10 mo ago)

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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Your husband is scum … plain and simple. You should divorce his horrible azz the first chance you get.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Good morning april,

Forgive me but I am not familiar with the terminology of rowing, but I assume you're meaning that he keeps giving you jazz by calling you by your mother's name or maiden name or making unfair statements to you. You do have the right to be upset because basically you married a coward, a weakling and an ass. His passive aggressive behavior demonstrates somebody who really is very immature. I would strongly reconsider this relationship because it's not beneficial to you emotionally or physically... And I suspect it will also do harm upon your children by watching this behavior.


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## April Midnight (10 mo ago)

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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

You just aren't quite ready yet. What will it take to "hit rock bottom" so you can leave?

Don't worry about your debts. They will still be there. You can take responsibility for them without putting up with abuse. Work out in the divorce settlement that he has to take his share of the responsibility for them too.

You deserve better.

*edit: People treat us how we let them treat us. Put consequences to his actions/nasty words.


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## April Midnight (10 mo ago)

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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

April Midnight said:


> the heart is sitting on the fence


This is the crux of the problem from my viewpoint on this side of the keyboard.

@theloveofmylife is right, you aren't ready to leave.

But I will tell you, this man is no good. His treatment of you is terrible and you allow it.
Until you decide that you deserve better, nothing will change.

Don't let your past make you think this is ok. It's not.
Don't let your husband treat you so bad. Also not ok.

People are better than this, they deserve better than this.
What would you tell your daughter or granddaughter to do? "Find a way" "Make something better for yourself" "Find someone to really love you"

That's the same message here on TAM for you.


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## April Midnight (10 mo ago)

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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

April Midnight said:


> So as I sit here writing these things I know the logic thing to do is leave, and maybe that might happen this year but for today, tomorrow I stay not to be his 'object of ridicule' but to prove to myself that I'm better than him, that I can function day to day and rise above his taunts and not be sucked into him trying to make me snap, cry and be frustrated... and in the mean time I will gather my thoughts, options and try to discover, if I was a person on my own what would I want out of life... for ME!


I would offer a second option that might be more acceptable to you. And really, it would be a good step anyway.

You can leave, but not divorce. Put some distance between you and him. Clear your head, and he can clear his.
Then dive in to heavy duty counseling for yourself, and get him to do the same.

If he grows and changes for the better, and you have some healing, then you can reconsider if you want to get back together or stay apart.

Anyway, I know you sound pretty sure of what you want to do but I wanted to toss this option out to you.
It pains me to see women treated like this. Really. Men give men a bad name.


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## treevid (10 mo ago)

Although this forum is fantastic, maybe calling a domestic violence hotline could provide you with some advice that is relevant to situations like this, and connect you with a counselor or therapist who has helped women like you before. They won't force you to leave or pressure you, but merely support you and give you options/resources.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

It's clear now that the debt argument is an excuse to justify not leaving since for whatever reason you aren't ready.

So let me ask you this: when you get to the end of your life will you feel blessed that you didn't "fail" at marriage? Will that make the way you spent your remaining years worth it?

Besides...seems to me that your marriage failed a long time ago bit you're still covering your ears and pretending you can't hear it. Simply refusing to leave doesn't make a marriage successful and doesn't mean it didn't fail.

Think carefully about how you want to spend your remaining years.


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