# Made a very bad choice



## wanttobeforgiven (Feb 8, 2013)

In early January my wife learned about a yearlong A I had with a much younger woman who does not live in my city. The OW lives in a city where I did work a few times a year. I have resigned from that job and trying to find work in my hometown. I have been married 18+ years and have two great kids (teenagers). I am still living in the house (basement). I ended the A immediately and have been seeing a counselor and have going back to church regularly.She is seeing prof. help also but has not agreed to see a MC. The remorse I for what I have done is painful.I see my wife devastated by my actions.I see the pain that I have caused every time I look at her.My wife is a beautiful, intelligent and giving woman and I lost track of that.Why did I cheat? I thought she didn't love me anymore,we hardly communicated and there seemed to be little/no affection for the past few years.The impact of my choice has affected not only my family, but her parents and close friends. All our friends were both of our friends-thus, I don't have any friends. My wife says she needs time and space.She told me last night that she doesn't know if she can ever love me again.I am hoping some of that statement is anger and she can learn to love me again.I feel like the worst person in the world and want to do whatever it takes to be forgiven by my wife, kids and anyone I have affected. I am terrified how to live on my own without her and the kids.I don't know how to go on without the thought of them in my everyday life...I am not a bad person, I made a bad choice.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Well, you SOUND truly remorseful, and if you've done all you say, you're doing the right things.

All you can do is give your wife time. It's only been a month - it takes YEARS to recover from this.

Is there anything else your wife needs to know? Have you told her you will answer any questions she has? Apologized a zillion times?

You must NOT ask for ANYTHING from her right now. Work on yourself. Read books about how to recover from cheating. Continue your IC. Do your part around the house and more.

And if she decides she's done, accept it and move on and don't EVER cheat on anyone again.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> Well, you SOUND truly remorseful, and if you've done all you say, you're doing the right things.
> 
> All you can do is give your wife time. It's only been a month - it takes YEARS to recover from this.
> 
> ...


Not much to say here.

Just make sure your as transparent as glass and above board on everything.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You ended the affair. Have you ended contact with the OW completely?

I think the biggest problem you will have going forward is that people will indeed be able to forgive, but they won't forget. Your W will constantly be stung by certain elements: A full year, a much younger woman, busted by her, i.e., you didn't see the light and stop yourself. These are all serious betrayals of trust and love that people don't erase from memory.

So, the way people see you is irrevocably changed. What you can do is create different memories for the present and future. Make yourself a person you and they can respect & do it for yourself. The best you can do now is be the guy who cheated and devastated his W, but then did everything he could to be a better person. 

You can't turn the clock back and you can't repair the damage. What you can do is show that you learned a valuable lesson.


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## wanttobeforgiven (Feb 8, 2013)

I apologize every chance I get. I have told her everything about the A. I have answered every question and shown her bank statements for gifts and cell phone records. I do whatever I can around the house already. I was a stay at home dad for 13 years and I can manage the house better then any husband I know. I am not looking for a crystal ball answer how long it will take her, but some sign that she can find it in her heart to forgive me. I want her to know that I am a good person and I won't stray again.My actions have hurt so many people and that is a heavy burden to have everyday. 
I want to show my wife the person I used to be-very giving and thoughtful to her and the kids. I am afraid if I begin doing this again it will be viewed negatively-not giving her the space she is asking for so I try to stay out of the way.
I had been wanting to stop the affair the last visit I made. I saw the opportunity to end it when the OW accepted a job in a new city. She and I agreed to end it then, but it wasn't soon enough.I know that doesn't sound right, but its what was going to happen.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So were you caught, or did you confess?


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## wanttobeforgiven (Feb 8, 2013)

I was caught. The OW doesn't live near us...2000 miles away. She had suspicions for a few weeks and was watching my every move. She was beginning to compile information to confront me. When she confronted me...I told her everything. I didn't hold back. I answered every question. She learned i contacted an attorney (but never met with) to learn my rights. She pulled half the bank account and required our investments have both signatures. I told her I had not been back in contact with the attorney, just wanted to know my rights if she wanted a divorce. I told her I would rather fix what I have broken, if she would allow.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Well that's unfortunate. But it is what it is now.

You just have to wait and see what she decides.


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## JustGrinding (Oct 26, 2012)

wanttobeforgiven said:


> In early January my wife learned about a yearlong A I had with a much younger woman who does not live in my city.


A year-long affair goes WAY beyond "made a bad choice." It required malice aforethought and premeditation in the destruction of your wife's emotional security.



wanttobeforgiven said:


> I thought she didn't love me anymore,we hardly communicated and there seemed to be little/no affection for the past few years. The remorse I for what I have done is painful. I am not a bad person, I made a bad choice.


I hope you don't verbalize this cowardly drivel to your wife. Instead of whining about how badly you feel for being caught doing the ONE THING MOST LIKELY TO DESTROY YOUR FAMILY, you need to man-up and stoicly accept the easily foreseen and natural consequences of your betrayal.

It's up to her whether to continue to share her life with an infidel, and a person with even a passing relationship with reason would be able to see that whining like a b***ch, blameshifting, and blubbering self-justifying euphemisms ain't helpin' their cause AT ALL.

Your selected screen name says a lot: I want to be forgiven.

I want some attention. I want to have a relationship where I don't have to work. I want to blame others for my moral failures. I want to fvck a much younger woman. I want to keep my wife and have the younger woman. I want to avoid consequences for my actions. I want my wife to take me back. I want to be forgiven. I want. I want. I want. I. I. I.

Somewhere in there is the root source of your problem. Figure that out and you might have a chance.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

wanttobeforgiven said:


> I am terrified how to live on my own without her and the kids.I don't know how to go on without the thought of them in my everyday life.


This is it right here. It's not them so much. It's not the hurt and pain you caused them during the 1 yr affair so much as it's that you're scared to live on your own and not have them in your every day life.

Stop thinking about yourself for once. It's not much but it's a start.



wanttobeforgiven said:


> I am not a bad person, I made a bad choice.


You had a yearlong affair and only stopped it "immediately" when you got CAUGHT. 

Your actions define you.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You have to accept that she may never forgive you. As I said, she certainly will never forget.

So many men come here suddenly desperate to have their wives back after terrible betrayals. I always wonder what motivates this. Do you suddenly love your W again? If you tell yourself that you never stopped loving her through your A, then you are lying to yourself, because true love doesn't admit affairs.

And I know you don't want to think of yourself as a bad person & you probably aren't when one adds up all the facets of your person. But this isn't just a bad choice. This comes from a part of you, the 'you' that you want to think of as a good person. Lightning didn't strike and force you to make a bad choice. You are the person who did it. So, there is part of you that is not such a good person. Certainly, that's how your W sees you.

In my opinion, you have to be completely honest with yourself about what you did and why you did it. You have to search your soul to understand what you feel for your W. You should focus on being the best person you can be from this point on.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

wanttobeforgiven said:


> In early January my wife learned about a yearlong A I had with a much younger woman who does not live in my city. The OW lives in a city where I did work a few times a year. I have resigned from that job and trying to find work in my hometown. I have been married 18+ years and have two great kids (teenagers). I am still living in the house (basement). I ended the A immediately and have been seeing a counselor and have going back to church regularly.She is seeing prof. help also but has not agreed to see a MC. The remorse I for what I have done is painful.I see my wife devastated by my actions.I see the pain that I have caused every time I look at her.My wife is a beautiful, intelligent and giving woman and I lost track of that.Why did I cheat? *I thought she didn't love me anymore,we hardly communicated and there seemed to be little/no affection for the past few years*.The impact of my choice has affected not only my family, but her parents and close friends. All our friends were both of our friends-thus, I don't have any friends. My wife says she needs time and space.She told me last night that she doesn't know if she can ever love me again.I am hoping some of that statement is anger and she can learn to love me again.I feel like the worst person in the world and want to do whatever it takes to be forgiven by my wife, kids and anyone I have affected. I am terrified how to live on my own without her and the kids.I don't know how to go on without the thought of them in my everyday life...I am not a bad person, I made a bad choice.


What a dumb reason - if it was no big deal then why all the secrecy FOR A YEAR? If you thought she didn't love you, then wouldn't it follow she wouldn't care what or whom you did? This is merely a lie to yourself that some part of your subconsciousness (or maybe you are highly aware already) told yourself that you knew it would be hurtful and a dealbreaker if you cheated which is why you cheated rather than fix your marriage or divorce. You knew exactly how much your W loved you, and you played an equal part in the lack of communication and affection, so to even say this means you are still not capable of accepting your responsibility and full accountability to take it outside of your marriage.

Keep working at it, and be fully transparent so that after a year or two when you've both been able to really process this all, if you both are still in you can begin to rebuild trust again. Years. The work to repair not only the state of your marriage but also now all the damage you've caused, will be tremendous which is why so few reconciliations work (my opinion).


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Was the younger woman betraying someone herself?

I agree with the posters that find it convenient that you "came to Jesus" at the precise moment you were discovered. You had seen a lawyer, you kept seeing the OW for a year. You spent money, time, and emotions on the OW. 

Your wife must have been beside herself with fear, grief, anger, and a sense of betrayal. I'll wager she tried to get you to talk, to re-connect with her during the period of time you "felt she didn't care or love you". 

You have been dishonest with yourself and probably still are. I believe you ARE afraid of being alone and ashamed that you've been exposed. Those alone are not reasons for reconciliation. 

Okay - enough harshness. Now advice. 

Get yourself 'fixed'. Arrange for counseling to help you see the truth about your feelings. It may turn out that you really want out of the marriage. If so, accept it. Keep out of your wife's way. But support her in anything she needs. Help with household chores without being asked. Let her know of ANY contact you have via text or email. Even if it's work related. Don't make her wonder who called or texted. 

If she decides it's over. Then it's over. You told her as much with the affair. It's totally in her court now. It's something you have to accept.


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

This does seem to be more about you than your family, which I would say is normal. A year long affair is not.

You were in love with another woman for a full year! That is enough to drive a spouse insane. The level of disrespect shown is off the charts. How many other affairs have you maintained because I doubt if its only one. I am not trying to come down hard on you but I have been in your wife's shoes somewhat (my husband only told me because he thought he was going to be outted. He and his OW were breaking up and had a big argument but she never contacted me.) So I know how learning your husband has been loving someone else feels.

Your wife is fresh off of discovery so you wondering when she will be over it is crazy. It will take years and years for her to feel safe and loved again. She will doubt everything and never fully trust you again.....you stole that from her. Does she go to church because Godly forgiveness is the only way she will be able to do it.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Delete any music the OW gave you. Delete her emails. Any gift she gave you, dispose of. Any pictures, delete. Avoid mentioning her at all, unless directly asked and avoid saying her name.

You screwed up again by talking to a lawyer. That seems to show a lack of willing.

You want to show remorse? Give her ALL the money in the accounts. PERIOD. Have your direct deposit go directly to your wife's account.

You need to make yourself just as vulnerable to your wife as she feels right now.

Quitting that job was good. Your response to when you were busted was also good. 

MEAN IT! She will probably see right through the bull****, so if you can't dedicate yourself to home and family, quit.

YOU look up books on how to fix this. YOU visit websites on how to fix this. Whining to us isn't any use. YOU need to find the answers and implement them.

Your wife will see this.

It still might not be enough. But for some reason, you are slightly more likely to get forgiven if you are a man. DO NOT COUNT ON THAT!

Let me be very clear. A smirk, a bit of smugness, the slightest hint that you are taking her grace for granted and you will be back, not to square one, but square -10.

Man up...but it's possible. Do whatever you have to do.

Good luck


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

JCD said:


> Delete any music the OW gave you. Delete her emails. Any gift she gave you, dispose of. Any pictures, delete.


JCD, as a BS, how do you know if the WS really does get rid of everything? What does it mean if they kept things from the affair and the BS doesn't know? Could it simply be they forgot or just really like what was given and want to keep it (not as a reminder of the AP but just like the item)? I don't know how many pictures there may be so if he kept some, what does that mean, that he still loves her???????? Sorry for the thread highjack.....JCD's response struck a cord with me.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

wanttobeforgiven said:


> Why did I cheat? I thought she didn't love me anymore,we hardly communicated and there seemed to be little/no affection for the past few years.


:scratchhead: 

Have you told your wife this is the reason? I think you need to come up with something better than that. 

Since my wife's affair, I have frequently had the thought that she doesn't love me - and yet I haven't cheated, why is that, then? I also have a hard time to make her communicate on a deeper level with me, and yet I haven't cheated?

Should your wife worry that you will cheat each time communication and affection is not quite as good as it should be?

To me, these are rethorical questions, but I think you should give it some serious thoughts, counselling and therapy seems to be a good idea.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

asia said:


> JCD, as a BS, how do you know if the WS really does get rid of everything? What does it mean if they kept things from the affair and the BS doesn't know? Could it simply be they forgot or just really like what was given and want to keep it (not as a reminder of the AP but just like the item)? I don't know how many pictures there may be so if he kept some, what does that mean, that he still loves her???????? Sorry for the thread highjack.....JCD's response struck a cord with me.


I am speaking to the WS. HE can or cannot do it. I made an effort to clean things out and discuss them with my wife (She used to mock me with the songs my friend sent me...or maybe tease. One of the two)

For his own piece of mind, he should get rid of them. As a symbol to his wife, he should get rid of them.

But how, as a BS, can you know ANYTHING about your WS? How does HE know that YOU won't go trolling for revenge dates? At a certain point, you have to have a bit of faith.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

JCD said:


> I am speaking to the WS. HE can or cannot do it. I made an effort to clean things out and discuss them with my wife (She used to mock me with the songs my friend sent me...or maybe tease. One of the two)
> 
> For his own piece of mind, he should get rid of them. As a symbol to his wife, he should get rid of them.
> 
> But how, as a BS, can you know ANYTHING about your WS? How does HE know that YOU won't go trolling for revenge dates? At a certain point, you have to have a bit of faith.


I agree that he should get rid of everything and send this message as a proof of intend. 

I am not sure why you chose to turn the tables and state that OP can't trust his BS not to cheat??? OP proved to his wife that he is capable of cheating, I haven't seen any proof or suggestions of the opposite?

I think most of us has realized that nothing in life, or in a relationship in particular, is certain - infidelity tought me this.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

asia said:


> JCD, as a BS, how do you know if the WS really does get rid of everything? What does it mean if they kept things from the affair and the BS doesn't know? Could it simply be they forgot or just really like what was given and want to keep it (not as a reminder of the AP but just like the item)? I don't know how many pictures there may be so if he kept some, what does that mean, that he still loves her????????


Think of it this way. If you were having an affair and your AP gave you an article of lingerie, would you keep it or throw it away? Let's say you really like that bra. It fits and is functional. You don't like it because he gave it to you. You like it because it is a good fit and looks good on you. Should you keep it, knowing your husband will remember "him" every time he sees you wearing it? I think keeping something that will remind you of the AP is bad. It is like holding on to something so that you can think back on the "good times". I think keeping something that will trigger your spouse is also bad.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

cpacan said:


> I agree that he should get rid of everything and send this message as a proof of intend.
> 
> I am not sure why you chose to turn the tables and state that OP can't trust his BS not to cheat??? OP proved to his wife that he is capable of cheating, I haven't seen any proof or suggestions of the opposite?
> 
> I think most of us has realized that nothing in life, or in a relationship in particular, is certain - infidelity tought me this.


I worded that poorly.

My intent was to say that we don't really know for sure what any of us does or thinks. We don't stand guard and shouldn't stand guard on one another 24/7. So how will asia know that her WH got rid of all the cards, gifts and pictures? She can't unless she find it. Unless she searches for it. And even if she finds nothing, does that mean she didn't search hard enough?

This can drive you crazy. So...say he doesn't dispose of everything right off the bat. It's still symbolically important. And...even if he isn't ready to dump _everything_ right now...he is dumping SOMETHING. And that's significant.

Aw fvck (goes into computer drive to dump some detritus that needs dumping)

Damn it asia!


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## wanttobeforgiven (Feb 8, 2013)

I have been away from this site for a few weeks so I thought I would update some things. I am still living in my house (basement) trying to give my wife space and time. I am available for my two older teenage kids whenever they need me. My teen son is close to me, always has been. Older teen daughter is barely speaking to me. Everyone but my son is getting help to cope the ordeal.He says he will ask to speak to someone when he thinks its necessary. Hopefully a counselor will help my daughter work through her emotions.I am seeing a personal counselor 2 times per week and going to church a few times per week. I have met with our family priest once and another appointment is later this week. We begin seeing a marriage counselor today. I am hopeful! Scared but hopeful. There are many dynamics to my infidelity that I have not posted. I accept blame for what I have done to my wife and family. However, I am not the only one who is guilty of letting our marriage go. A few years ago I repeatedly asked for she and I to see a professional marriage counselor. She a refused saying she doesn't talk to anyone about our private lives. Our lives were running parallel not crossing very often. We rarely spoke and became distant. Our conversations would usually end in arguments. My son used to always yell at us to stop fighting. I have been told by extended family they saw the stress and tension at every family gathering. I used to be very loving, always praising her appearance or mentioning something I saw that reminded me of her. I used to tell her I LOVED HER a few times each day. I would do anything for her. Anything. But, when its one-sided, you tend to stop doing it. Telling someone you love them to get no reply becomes very hurtful and you tend to stop saying it after a while. Like you are taken for granted. At that point you begin to question your marriage. I love my wife, but suddenly I found someone who gave me attention. The OW and I were friends and co-workers for two years. I often shared with her my frustrations and she listened, then something just happened. I was given attention and appreciation. I shared my home life with the OW, she knew about my kids and listened to me. The OW and I knew our situation would never last. I just wanted to be loved and appreciated and it wasn't happening at home. I only saw the OW when I traveled to her location for work 2000 miles away. People don't believe it due to the timing...but the affair was coming to end. The OW and I agreed to end it. She was moving away for new job. Since my wife has learned about the affair, all communication with the OW has ended. I don't have any photos or personal effects from her. I have deleted all my social media accounts. I deleted her accounts from my cell phone. My wife would see my cell records, if I tried contacting her. 
I saw something at home that meant more to me then an affair. I saw the person I wanted to grow old with-my wife its like a switch went back on. We have been together for 25 years. Lots of good times. There are a lot of dynamics with our situation. My wife has always been the primary financial contributor...I was a stay at home dad for 13 years. My life was my kids! I want to do whatever it takes to regain her trust and become the father/husband I was before the affair. I am a good person...I did a bad thing.
I want to be forgiven and grow old with my wife and kids. Within a few years both kids will be in college and it will just be us...hopefully us. I know in my heart we can move on and become better toward each other. I hope she can forgive me. I love my wife...I never stopped loving her. My actions over the past year might not make that statement sound valid...but it is. I have always wanted to save my marriage but I didn't know how to do it by myself. My marriage is worth fighting for me, my wife and kids future.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

wanttobeforgiven said:


> My life was my kids! I want to do whatever it takes to regain her trust and become the father/husband I was before the affair. I am a good person...I did a bad thing.
> I want to be forgiven and grow old with my wife and kids. Within a few years both kids will be in college and it will just be us...hopefully us. I know in my heart we can move on and become better toward each other. I hope she can forgive me. I love my wife...I never stopped loving her. My actions over the past year might not make that statement sound valid...but it is. I have always wanted to save my marriage but I didn't know how to do it by myself. My marriage is worth fighting for me, my wife and kids future.


It really sounds like you had an epiphany, think about this then: Why would your wife believe this to be true? How can you know yourself that you won't make the same bad choice the next time the going gets tough?


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

wanttobeforgiven said:


> *I am not a bad person*, I made a bad choice.


Who says you get to make that distinction? And theres much more you should be worried about than which way your moral compass is pointing.


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## wanttobeforgiven (Feb 8, 2013)

I don't ever want to feel this way again. EVER! The feeling of guilt and remorse are beyond anything I can describe. I am not asking to be the one who gets to make the choice. I would like to prove to my wife that I was wrong and together I want to continue our marriage. Rebuilding trust.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

You should have sought good insight before having an affair and cheating on your wife. You should have researched the possible consequences of your actions.

Now that you are in the light, your marriage is dead and you must rebuild a new one. Reconciliation is not a destination but a path. One where you are constantly asking for forgiveness, working all your duties as a husband/father/head of household to their fullest.

Sounds like you are Catholic, go to confession if you haven't.

1) Apologize through actions
2) Find a job
3) Apologize in writing
4) Work hard once you find a job
5) Apologize through actions
6) Apologize through actions
7) more of the same


Keep working hard, show your love.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Look, want2b, I tend to feel empathy for almost anyone. I tend to see things as complicated and I usually feel sympathy for all sides. I have to say, though, that, while I feel your pain, there is simply way too much ego, too much 'I', in the way you express your feelings.

You say you don't want to feel this guilt or pain again. Cripes - your W is feeling completely unimaginable pain waking up every morning to the recognition that her husband of so many years happily did the most intimate, loving things with another woman, that he looked forward to it, that he planned it carefully, that he wanted it. This is pain. Real pain.

For your marriage before your adultery, issues were about the two of you. Then you made it all about you. Now it's all about your W as a result of your cheating. A year of this! As a woman, I wouldn't give you a chance. You're lucky that she's thinking about it. Your reasons don't matter - if you were so disconnected and unhappy, there's always a legal, honorable way to respond to that. Instead, you did one of the worst things you could have done. And you have broken your W's heart. You have broken her heart.

It's time to stop crying in your beer. Do what she tells you she expects you to do & then work on yourself so that you can be a better person to the people in your life.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Maybe you she forgot that as a househusband you were still a man, still her husband. Perhaps she no longer respected you? Forgot you had needs, too?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wanttobeforgiven (Feb 8, 2013)

My point was misunderstood. I feel an enormous amount of guilt for what I have done and who I have hurt. The effects of my actions go beyond my wife and kids. I hear my wife cry everyday and see the pain she is in from my actions. Living with the the thought of the pain caused is by my actions has been unbearable. I was viewed as a good person before this. I don't want to see her in anymore pain. I, I, I, is all you hear. Until the marriage counselor can get involved (beginning today)...all I can do is give my W space and time. 25 years is a long time to just throw away over what I did. Actions speak volumes...my actions going forward will show remorse and recommitment to my marriage.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Maybe you should print out your opening post and slowly read it out loud to yourself. You say you were trying to make a point and we misunderstood you, I say that's a bunch of BS and just another attempt to justify and excuse your actions. You can't even own your affair 100% without blame shifting, in the first sentence where you talk about your affair, you point a finger at your spouse. So you asked her to go to counseling with you a few times, she refused, so you cheated. What is the point of the post? It reads like you are seeking validation, you want someone to pat you on he back and say you are doing a good job at being the remorseful husband. You say the affair was going to end anyway, so you and the OW were not going to last and you decided to go to plan B, your wife of 25 years. Do yourself a favor, print your opening post out, and take it with you to IC, have your counselor read it, and discuss it further. I don't think you've done yourself any favors presenting the affair in that way. I sincerely hope your wife can recover and forgive you, but I don't think you stand much of a chance if you continue pointing the finger in her direction while discussing your infidelity.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

wanttobeforgiven said:


> My point was misunderstood. I feel an enormous amount of guilt for what I have done and who I have hurt. The effects of my actions go beyond my wife and kids. I hear my wife cry everyday and see the pain she is in from my actions. Living with the the thought of the pain caused is by my actions has been unbearable. I was viewed as a good person before this. I don't want to see her in anymore pain. I, I, I, is all you hear. Until the marriage counselor can get involved (beginning today)...all I can do is give my W space and time. 25 years is a long time to just throw away over what I did. Actions speak volumes...my actions going forward will show remorse and recommitment to my marriage.



Don't "ignore" your wife by giving her "space and time". She will feel alone as if you left her to cope alone.

You need to make reperations. Ask her "What can I do to heal and repair the damage that I have done? Please forgive me, forgive me, forgive me. I know this has scarred you forever but please, give me a chance to recommit to you and the children!"

ETC ETC

Most BS (betrayed spouses) feel alone in the fight, alone. They will trigger practically from here on out. They watch tv or a movie with infidelity, guess who pops up in their head, you with another woman. Its tough, keep working hard.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Yes, actions speak volumes. 

And your actions said "I feel unloved. I tried communicating it once, then I started getting confrontational, then I had an affair. I decided that ruining my life and my wife's life and making my kids' lives suck is worth a year long affair. And now that I am caught, I am sorry for everything."

By the way, don't assume your teenage son will deal with this properly. Guys have feelings. But in high school, we don't show them, except for maybe anger. People don't get to see a sensitive to most high school guys because of the social stigma attached to it. Being the gay friend, the effiminate nice guy, etc.

So your son is probably a wirlwind of emotions right now, ranging from wanting to bash your face in to wanting to cry all night. 
I wonder if he is still sleeping at night. Might want to keep tabs on his grades.

And I assume you have followed all the steps? As in, getting a new job or transferring, giving your wife all your passwords and secret email/facebook/whatever accounts, living a completely transparent life, have followed your wife around like a lost puppy dog, and been a perfect husband by helping with the kids and making dinner?
Because if you haven't, you're doing a worse job of trying for reconciliation than my dad did. And his reconciliation was a fake. So...


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Forgiven,

You want to be forgiven... I understand that. Who do you want to forgive you? God? Your wife? Daughter? Friends? Everyone?

You quit your job so now you just stay home all day? You aren't making money to save for your daughter's college or son? What are you doing to earn forgiveness? It doesn't sound like you want forgiveness. It sounds like you want Grace. It sounds like you just want all your sins washed away and you get a do over... That is between you and God.

As for fixing things with your family, you were to teach your son what it means to be a man. You were a stay at home dad, then when you went to work you had an affair with a much younger woman... What exactly were you teaching him? Teach your son how to be a man. Teach him about honor, commitment, sacrifice, etc... Go get a job and give every dime you make to your wife for your kids college fund. Sign over all your assets to your wife. Give her everything.

You seem extremely shallow and selfish. You just want your old life back. You screwed up and everyone but you has to pay for it... You want your actions swept under the rug and all to be forgiven.

You haven't done anything to show that you deserve forgiveness. Do something with someone else's benefit in mind for once. You have been extremely selfish and reckless. Go watch some John Wayne movies or the original Die Hard. Cowboy up. Do what you need to do to become a man and do it. You caused the pain. It was your fault. Stop wallowing in self pity and contribute to the good of your family without contributing to your own selfish needs and then you might get some forgiveness from the people you really hurt.


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## jameskimp (May 8, 2012)

wanttobeforgiven said:


> I have been away from this site for a few weeks so I thought I would update some things. I am still living in my house (basement) trying to give my wife space and time. I am available for my two older teenage kids whenever they need me. My teen son is close to me, always has been. Older teen daughter is barely speaking to me. Everyone but my son is getting help to cope the ordeal.He says he will ask to speak to someone when he thinks its necessary. Hopefully a counselor will help my daughter work through her emotions.I am seeing a personal counselor 2 times per week and going to church a few times per week. I have met with our family priest once and another appointment is later this week. We begin seeing a marriage counselor today. I am hopeful! Scared but hopeful. There are many dynamics to my infidelity that I have not posted. I accept blame for what I have done to my wife and family. However, I am not the only one who is guilty of letting our marriage go. A few years ago I repeatedly asked for she and I to see a professional marriage counselor. She a refused saying she doesn't talk to anyone about our private lives. Our lives were running parallel not crossing very often. We rarely spoke and became distant. Our conversations would usually end in arguments. My son used to always yell at us to stop fighting. I have been told by extended family they saw the stress and tension at every family gathering. I used to be very loving, always praising her appearance or mentioning something I saw that reminded me of her. I used to tell her I LOVED HER a few times each day. I would do anything for her. Anything. But, when its one-sided, you tend to stop doing it. Telling someone you love them to get no reply becomes very hurtful and you tend to stop saying it after a while. Like you are taken for granted. At that point you begin to question your marriage. I love my wife, but suddenly I found someone who gave me attention. The OW and I were friends and co-workers for two years. I often shared with her my frustrations and she listened, then something just happened. I was given attention and appreciation. I shared my home life with the OW, she knew about my kids and listened to me. The OW and I knew our situation would never last. I just wanted to be loved and appreciated and it wasn't happening at home. I only saw the OW when I traveled to her location for work 2000 miles away. People don't believe it due to the timing...but the affair was coming to end. The OW and I agreed to end it. She was moving away for new job. Since my wife has learned about the affair, all communication with the OW has ended. I don't have any photos or personal effects from her. I have deleted all my social media accounts. I deleted her accounts from my cell phone. My wife would see my cell records, if I tried contacting her.
> I saw something at home that meant more to me then an affair. I saw the person I wanted to grow old with-my wife its like a switch went back on. We have been together for 25 years. Lots of good times. There are a lot of dynamics with our situation. My wife has always been the primary financial contributor...I was a stay at home dad for 13 years. My life was my kids! I want to do whatever it takes to regain her trust and become the father/husband I was before the affair. I am a good person...I did a bad thing.
> I want to be forgiven and grow old with my wife and kids. Within a few years both kids will be in college and it will just be us...hopefully us. I know in my heart we can move on and become better toward each other. I hope she can forgive me. I love my wife...I never stopped loving her. My actions over the past year might not make that statement sound valid...but it is. I have always wanted to save my marriage but I didn't know how to do it by myself. My marriage is worth fighting for me, my wife and kids future.


Why do you want that?

You were miserable before the affair. 

Do you see the hole you've dug yourself into? Before the affair, you could've threatened divorce to try to get your wife to change. Now you have no leverage. All your effort will be concentrated at earning forgiveness. 

How will you do that? Well you said you were already loving and your wife didn't reciprocate. What makes you think she will love you now after what you've done? You will love her extra hard to get back her crumbs. 

That is how devastating your affair was. An affair is a half-assed move. Either you leave the marriage or you stay, but don't cake eat and do both. An affair is never a solution, rather it is a detriment to solving your previous problems - compounding the issue since your affair didn't work out.

First make sure your wife wants you, then maybe you can try addressing the bigger picture but the road ahead of you is endless and it requires very motivated people to trek.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

wanttobeforgiven said:


> 25 years is a long time to just throw away over what I did.


See... I reckon.... your wife believes *you* threw away that 25 years of marriage when you did what you did.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

I think people here are being way too hard on you. First of all it's rare to see someone post on here about how sorry they are for what they did.

So what if he was busted? We all know the phenomenon of cake-eating and being in the affair fog. Maybe he's genuinely sorry and he realizes he's been a f*ck up. It doesn't sound like he's trying to convince us of his sincerity so he can get a pat on the back. I think he's really seeking advice.

Him saying he doesn't want to lose his family is totally natural. You guys are blasting him for talking about his feelings, but what he's telling us shows that he realizes what's at stake. That's good. He's also said a good deal about how his wife has been hurt and how sorry he is. Stop beating up on this man.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

cpacan said:


> I agree that he should get rid of everything and send this message as a proof of intend.
> 
> I am not sure why you chose to turn the tables and state that OP can't trust his BS not to cheat??? OP proved to his wife that he is capable of cheating, I haven't seen any proof or suggestions of the opposite?
> 
> I think most of us has realized that nothing in life, or in a relationship in particular, is certain - infidelity tought me this.


I made her throw away all of her bras, underwear and any items
of clothing she wore over to his smut pen.


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## Kaya62003 (Jan 8, 2013)

Lon said:


> What a dumb reason - if it was no big deal then why all the secrecy FOR A YEAR? If you thought she didn't love you, then wouldn't it follow she wouldn't care what or whom you did? This is merely a lie to yourself that some part of your subconsciousness (or maybe you are highly aware already) told yourself that you knew it would be hurtful and a dealbreaker if you cheated which is why you cheated rather than fix your marriage or divorce. You knew exactly how much your W loved you, and you played an equal part in the lack of communication and affection, so to even say this means you are still not capable of accepting your responsibility and full accountability to take it outside of your marriage.
> 
> Keep working at it, and be fully transparent so that after a year or two when you've both been able to really process this all, if you both are still in you can begin to rebuild trust again. Years. The work to repair not only the state of your marriage but also now all the damage you've caused, will be tremendous which is why so few reconciliations work (my opinion).


I could not agree more!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

staystrong said:


> I think people here are being way too hard on you. First of all it's rare to see someone post on here about how sorry they are for what they did.
> 
> So what if he was busted? We all know the phenomenon of cake-eating and being in the affair fog. Maybe he's genuinely sorry and he realizes he's been a f*ck up. It doesn't sound like he's trying to convince us of his sincerity so he can get a pat on the back. I think he's really seeking advice.
> 
> Him saying he doesn't want to lose his family is totally natural. You guys are blasting him for talking about his feelings, but what he's telling us shows that he realizes what's at stake. That's good. He's also said a good deal about how his wife has been hurt and how sorry he is. Stop beating up on this man.


I agree.

In the couple of years I've been here I've seen a dramatic shift. There are still many positives here but more and more I feel this place is just becoming an infidelity bashing board.

Some of you are not being helpful at all to this man and what's worse is you don't care. You just want to get in your shot before he inevitably goes away. It's f'ed up and you guys need to deal with your own anger in a better way.

OP, your description of your marriage prior to the cheating happens a lot. One person feels neglected or unloved and then become vulnerable. Your "natural defenses" against an affair are eaten away by the state of your marriage whether real or perceived.

What I don't understand is the need your wife has for "space". Telling a woman the you love her and not getting a response back is pretty damning evidence that she probably doesn't.... You've been living in a marriage where space was already the norm and it didn't work. You already know how bad you effed this up so I won't pile on. 

If she does decide to forgive you my advice would be to address the conditions that caused you to feel unwanted. I am living through that situation now and it's not a marriage it's a cruel joke.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

*Sv: Re: Made a very bad choice*



sinnister said:


> I agree.
> 
> In the couple of years I've been here I've seen a dramatic shift. There are still many positives here but more and more I feel this place is just becoming an infidelity bashing board.
> 
> ...


I fail to see the positive aspects about infidelity in the first place, which may be the reason I disagree with you.
Neglect and a poor state of a marriage does not necessarily lead to infidelity - a lot of people manage top keep their pants on although they are not satisfied in their primary relationship.
I don't recognize the posts as bashing, they call him out on the selfishness and attempt to blameshift. And I think it's fair to ask why he suddenly wants the poor marriage that bad.
Also, your suggesting that his wife has lost his love for him, well... I wouldn't be surprised if that's the case. My love for my wife had certainly changed. Either that, or she is just scared to show it.


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## JustGrinding (Oct 26, 2012)

wtbf, I'll concur with sinnister about one thing: I don't care about how you feel at all. You seem to be getting quite enough pity from yourself, so you don't need any more from me or anyone else on this forum. Personally, I find it quite irresponsible to sympathize with a criminal who is hurt, terrified, and overwhelmed with the natural consequences of their crime. 

I care about your victims. I care about the innocents you used and abused in furtherance of your crime. The only reason I'm posting to you at all is in a desperate attempt to get you to see you're continuing to victimize your primary victim in a very cruel way.

You ran over your wife with a dump truck and now, in your panic, you're backing over her and doing even more damage.

No matter how you want to rewrite history, you were, AT LEAST, equally responsible for the dismal state of your pre-affair marriage, and though your wife lived in the same hell-hole you helped her dig, she didn't seek comfort by screwing the help.

Stop making excuses for your adultery! Stop the blameshifting!

Even if you haven't verbalized your insipid, hackneyed rationalizations to your wife, you better believe she feels it. The very fact that you're thinking them, and posting them here, is just one more giant, waving red flag that you are not of the proper mind-set for reconciliation.


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

wanttobeforgiven,
It sounds to me that you are experiencing panic about the consequences of your actions not love for your wife.


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