# Tips on how to be a better wife.



## ilovedyouforever (Aug 6, 2012)

:scratchhead:

I'm starting to become very aggressive with my husband and I'm becoming a bully, a monster! I can't be treating the love of my life like this because he will leave me and I'm very afraid of that. 

I need tips on how to control my anger when he ignores me to play video games. What do I do when I want to go shopping and he doesn't want to? I care about him but I'm tired of hitting him or making him mad on purpose just to get revenge for not getting things my way.

I'm being very very immature and I don't like who I'm becoming. Today we had a fight and I'm really getting disgusted with myself and pissy spoiled bratty attitude. 

How can I be more understanding and still have things under-control? Be a better wife that doesn't get so angry over small irrelevant things?


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Wow...would you want to come home to a bully/monster husband? I wouldn't.
I don't blame you for worrying he might leave. 

Great that you can see your unacceptable/unloving behavior though...i'm sure that's the first step to being able to deal with it.

Are you angry with everyone or just H?

Is he a bit of a push over? What does he say/do when your rude/mean?

They say that often anger hides a fear... what are you scared of?
Scared he doesn't want to spend time with you? That he doesn't love you enough?? Or???

Can you compromise on his computer use and him coming shopping? (why does he have to come with you?)

Whatever causes your outbursts/meaness must stop though or it will kill the love between you and your H.

The decision to be kind or cruel is a choice though...isn't it?
You probably wouldn't speak rudely to your boss or bank manager... you choose to be like this when you know you can get away with it... you can choose to not be this way. 

There are loads of books and online material for anger management... why not read up and try new ways of communicating your feelings. If that doesn't work i'd suggest a counsellor who specialises in anger management.

I'm sure your Husband will be more than happy to help you work through this... especially if you tell him of your fears.

PS: Stop hitting him.. today. Never hit him again. Totally unacceptable behaviour!


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## occasionallybaffled (Apr 12, 2012)

You have a start... by admitting to yourself that you have flaws. Ask your husband for help. Tell him that you want to be held accountable for your behavior. It seems that he is ignoring it for a bit, and later it produces a fight. And on your end, you will need to find a way to release your anger. Could be slow deep breathing, going for a jog, listening to music... etc. Once you have cooled down, then you can talk and discuss the situation. High emotions and discussions don't go to well together... High emotions and fights do go together, though.

(Personally I count... I'll count til 5 and repeat until I am able to control the tone of my voice)


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

OK, not trying to be cruel.

The behaviors you are acting out on are caused by the way you are responding.

He plays video games.

You get mad.

He doesn't want to deal with mad, so he plays more video games.

You get more mad.

You are trapped in a cycle. You need to break it.

First, find an outlet for aggression. Gym, softball, dance, whatever. Burn that energy out at the same time you give him some room and a reset of his own.

Second, go talk to somebody. Once it's physical, your opening a very dark future. One call to the law and your entire life will change for the worse. 

Third, accept that there has been damage done and the will need to be a repair time. Every positive action counts as a +1. Every negative action counts as a -10.

Fourth, be honest with yourself. It is time to evaluate if this person is really the one you want to be with. If not, its time for a change. If yes, its time for a change. Either way, you know its time for a change.

Learn to walk away.

Learn to shut it down.

Learn to not say anything.

Good luck.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

It's a brave 1st step --openly admitting you have a true problem & you need help , that these behaviors can destroy your marriage.... Anger needs adequately delt with if we want to walk in happiness & Joy. 

And now to have the WILL to turn this around... it will take mental discipline ....and some discovery on your part understanding where this ANGER is coming from , it's roots....and a game plan on how to effectively begin the process to deal and resolve..... Also in honestly & calmly communicating your needs to your husband, so you can gain a better intimacy.... if things need mending, resentments put to rest, forgiveness given, this is all part of the process. 

When I was younger, I had some ANGER issues...I didn't beat anyone up, but I was sarcastic and mouthy when I was upset. I also know I have a "hard" temperment... as I would bet you do also... It may help you to learn a little about yourself in learning your temperment profile....Realize each has it's "gifts" ...but also it's pathetic weaknesses... to discover that you can walk in the good and slowly overcome the BAD would be very beneficial. 

I did a thread on temperments with various tests with links.... in case you want to further look into that...could have your husband take them as well... and read about what you both are..... just one small step in learning more about yourself...and why we act the way we do... plus unresolved hurts in our past & present contributing to our anger today. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ments-our-spouses-better-understand-them.html


I would also buy a book or 2 to help you with these things... Some suggestions from Amazon : 

138 5 star reviews *******  The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships : Books

 Anger: Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way: Gary D. Chapman: Books

 The Anger Trap: Free Yourself from the Frustrations that Sabotage Your Life - Books

 The Gift of Anger: Seven Steps to Uncover the Meaning of Anger and Gain Awareness, - Books

 Rage: A Step-by-Step Guide to Overcoming Explosive Anger : Books

 Angry All the Time: An Emergency Guide to Anger Control : Books


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

My wife is a bad wife because she's a messed up human being. She'd have to fix herself before she even see's there's an us to fix. If you're a bad spouse it's because your wiring is bad inside. Fix that. Since your bad wiring isn't 100% directly related to your bad marriage, you're not going to fix either one focusing solely on your marriage. You have to understand what makes you the problem in your own life. Then you can work on your relationships. This is why I'm not a huge fan of marriage counseling - it assumes both people are nominally mentally healthy otherwise. And that's nonsense. People don't have bad marriages because they married the wrong person. They married the wrong person because they're screwed up inside. That's what causes bad marriages.


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## mina (Jun 14, 2012)

get a hobby or two. I have several and I have a great time. DH likes to golf and he's off doing that a couple of days a week. I don't mind because I have things that I like to do, too, that don't involve him.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,

its incredable how many men seem to play video games. Really its sad ...you only have so much time on earth and to waste it on play video game seems so crazy to me.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

chillymorn said:


> arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,
> 
> its incredable how many men seem to play video games. Really its sad ...you only have so much time on earth and to waste it on play video game seems so crazy to me.


yeah, i dont play them at all, i post on forums all day


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Runs like Dog said:


> My wife is a bad wife because she's a messed up human being. She'd have to fix herself before she even see's there's an us to fix. If you're a bad spouse it's because your wiring is bad inside. Fix that. Since your bad wiring isn't 100% directly related to your bad marriage, you're not going to fix either one focusing solely on your marriage. You have to understand what makes you the problem in your own life. Then you can work on your relationships. This is why I'm not a huge fan of marriage counseling - it assumes both people are nominally mentally healthy otherwise. And that's nonsense. People don't have bad marriages because they married the wrong person. They married the wrong person because they're screwed up inside. That's what causes bad marriages.


:iagree: I've noticed a couple times some say a marraige counselor is reluctant to ever suggest a patient needs Mental help -to suggest Narcissism or BorderLine personality disorder or something... but I guess that is not their place or expertise , so their lips must remain sealed. 

I've read a couple books on the brain & dealing with our relationships....the underlying point the auther kept hitting home was ... until these roots of a spouse's wrong thinking (faulty wiring ) is conquered ...whether it be through meds or intensive individual therapy.....lasting change simply will not come.

It would be like a chasing after the wind.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

mina said:


> get a hobby or two. I have several and I have a great time. DH likes to golf and he's off doing that a couple of days a week. I don't mind because I have things that I like to do, too, that don't involve him.


I really second this idea. I think a hobby with something that really sparks your interests would really help!

My own newest hobby is raising chickens. It's very therapeutic and I went as far as buying an incubator to hatch and sell my own chicks. It's been amazing and has helped me stay out of a depression.

Find something that will keep you really busy and focused on whatever it is you liked.

I do understand that your husband needs space, but too much space is unfair. I have a feeling he's escaping from you through his video games. Calming your attitude will definitely benefit your marriage. Meditation helps too, that's if you can find peaceful moments. Also, hitting is never acceptable. You can go to jail over this. Good luck!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

ilovedyouforever said:


> :scratchhead:
> 
> I'm starting to become very aggressive with my husband and I'm becoming a bully, a monster! I can't be treating the love of my life like this because he will leave me and I'm very afraid of that.
> 
> ...


Very well done for not only recognising and owning your side of the dysfunctional dynamics in your marriage, but also for wanting to do something about them and asking for help.

Two recommendations for you. Number one is Awareness: Amazon.co.uk: Anthony De Mello: Books. You are already aware of your “self”, the book will help you become more aware and over time just by observing yourself you will begin to change for the better.

Secondly learn about personal boundaries, I can tell you that yours are not up to much (don’t worry, a lot of us have been there) and you have great room for improvement. So Google personal boundaries and look for some books.

You’ve a massive opportunity for personal growth. It is a journey and you sure have taken the first few steps on the path to a healthier and happier marriage.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> My wife is a bad wife because she's a messed up human being. She'd have to fix herself before she even see's there's an us to fix. If you're a bad spouse it's because your wiring is bad inside. Fix that. Since your bad wiring isn't 100% directly related to your bad marriage, you're not going to fix either one focusing solely on your marriage. You have to understand what makes you the problem in your own life. Then you can work on your relationships. This is why I'm not a huge fan of marriage counseling - it assumes both people are nominally mentally healthy otherwise. And that's nonsense. People don't have bad marriages because they married the wrong person. They married the wrong person because they're screwed up inside. That's what causes bad marriages.


But how would you feel and what would you think if your wife did as the OP did and posted about her personality issues and asked for help?


OP is showing what is relatively amazing insight into her problems. As you well know that is not exactly something those with a PD are known for. And again as you well know the recognition of a persons own flaws in their character is the absolutely required prerequisite to any changes and improvements.

Surely you would be dancing for joy if the OP were your wife and making a similar post?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I also came here to learn how to become a better wife to my husband. Reading others posts from the people here on TAM have really helped. Especially learning the mans mind and how it works. Their thinking is different from ours. You've gotten great advice and I wish you luck.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

Something I would like for you to do, is go to your doctor for a full blood workup. There is quite possibly an underlying physical issue in play here. If your body has an imbalance, there is no way you will keep your emotions in check.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

ilovedyouforever said:


> :scratchhead:
> 
> I'm starting to become very aggressive with my husband and I'm becoming a bully, a monster! I can't be treating the love of my life like this because he will leave me and I'm very afraid of that.
> 
> ...


You’ve some seriously good qualities. First off you’re capable of introspection, examination of and attention to your own ideas, thoughts and feelings. That makes you “self aware”. Fabulous. But it’s even better because you are absolutely prepared to “own” the dark side of what you see in your self. You are not in denial (you own your problems, confess to them), you don’t blame shift (put the blame for your behaviour on your H). Honestly it doesn’t get much better than that.

In addition to all that you also have empathy and compassion. You empathise and have compassion for how your H feels about your behaviour. About the negative affect of your behaviour on your H.

And of course, here you are wanting to do something about it.

Anger and aggression are necessary human traits. We posses them for very essential reasons. There are two types of anger and two types of aggression, covert (passive) and overt anger and covert and overt aggression.


I disagree with what RLD posted. For me our “mental health and emotional health” is to a degree dependent upon the company we keep. I think this no more true than with a marriage.

Take your marriage. You have the signs and symptoms of a wife living with a passive aggressive husband. Research passive aggression. A good start is The Five Levels of Passive Aggressive Behavior | Psychology Today and Passive-Aggression | Psychology Today.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

I also commend you for recognizing your faults and seeking help for them. Do seek help for this, you'll be a happier person.

How often does your husband play video games. Is this an addiction he has? If so he should seek help for that as well. If it is an addiction you may learn how to control your anger but you're going to build up resentments that may cause other problems in your marriage.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

so let me get this straight you acknowledge you are immature and need help in overcoming your immaturity?

id suggest counseling or idk maybe talking to your husband?


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## Gobananas (Jul 25, 2012)

Firstly I like to appreciate you in your frankness for sharing your problems, so that you can get good advice. I think the main problem is that you are trying to think only from your side. Try to see problems in different angle that is in another perceptive Or try to understand or analyse the problems involved. 
Have to understand that your husband is another person whose desires and wishes may not be the same as you have. Try to understand him thinking from him side. Try to show him more love and respect. In turn you will get back that love and respect. When he is in a good mood try to make him understand things from you side. Life is an adjustment. Try to adjust to that.


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## ilovedyouforever (Aug 6, 2012)

dormant said:


> Something I would like for you to do, is go to your doctor for a full blood workup. There is quite possibly an underlying physical issue in play here. If your body has an imbalance, there is no way you will keep your emotions in check.


CAUTION THE FOLLOWING POST IS TMI!!!!

I have gone to the doctor because I was getting symptoms of a miscarriage. This was when the hitting and aggressiveness was happening so we thought it could be that. It turns out that we I was having problems with my menstrual cycle. I was being very irregular and I had very huge clots inside of me. I'm also animec so I'm on pills daily and such. I was also gaining weight due to having blood clots so he gave me the benifit of the doubt and thought it was that. 

I'm fine now and I'm getting better. Today we didn't fight we discussed an issue and it turned out really well. I'm proud of myself but I still need work because I know that my anger is still there. Thank you all for the advice. I'm really going to work on myself finding inner peace and just taking control of my emotions!!!

:smthumbup:


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## ilovedyouforever (Aug 6, 2012)

Goldmember357 said:


> so let me get this straight you acknowledge you are immature and need help in overcoming your immaturity?
> 
> id suggest counseling or idk maybe talking to your husband?



I don't think I need counseling, its more of having self control. Thinking before I do or say something. Thanks for your input tho.

I do admit I grew up very very spoiled so its hard when I don't get things my way. My husband has told me that he's not my parent and that we need to act mature and be responsible. I'm slowly getting there, taking baby steps but I will overcome the spoiled part. 

im such a brat


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Wifey is also very spoiled, though she hates that side of her enough to make conscious decisions daily to be better then that. It's not something she can completely rid herself of however, for example; she still has tantrums, she still hates it when she doesn't get her way, etc etc.

But considering that she came from a very spoiled upbringing to the level of responsibility and maturity nowadays - that's something I really respect about her, despite a few bumps along the way. You're on the right track, I wouldn't worry about it.


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

I agree. Get a full blood work up and have your hormones checked. Make them check testosterone as well. 

Also, my standard line, please try to get counseling. It really does help. You can learn some coping tools and techniques. And yes you do need counseling. Impulse control is a hige issue and it sounds like that is the biggest part of your problem, impulse control. 

Think about it, if it was your husband doing these things to you, you would be on here calling him abusive, etc. 

This may not be who you want to be, or who you used to be, but it certainly who you are.....

I had to come to that realization myself several months back when i was literally acting like a full fledged crazy person. I kept saying im not crazy. Then i realized, i didnt used to ne crazy, i didnt want to be crazy, but at the time, i WAS crazy. 

So, get some counseling and become who you want to be, not the abusive person you are now. And hitting someone and screaming at them is abusive. You are better than that, i know you are. 

I wish you much luck.


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