# What sort of behavior is this with my Husband?



## 90s SongBird (Jan 4, 2018)

I can’t describe the way my husband has been lately or the way that he makes me feel when he acts out on a situation— Here’s one of the behaviors I’ve been seeing lately, this one particularly happened tonight and I have no clue what to make of it:

1.) Discussion of a family trip. Money is tight. Might not go. Maybe weeks later.
2.) I explain 60 Day no absentees contract from new Work I started today. We talk of sick day... I say but if I’m not sick, that’s cheating...
3.) He explains if I am than I have to call it a sick day, anyway.
4.) But if I’m not sick, I’m not calling a sick day.
5.) He says I don’t understand the workforce and never have...
6.) He walks away muttering something about arguing with me.
7.) I say come back here please. I’m not arguing, I’m discussing. I understand how sick days work when you’re actually sick.
8.) He says, “Well now you are [arguing]”.
9.) I get mad and start yelling that that behavior is ****ty, cruel, and unfair to twist that around on me.
10.) He says I’m hollering and acting like the world is always out to get me. Doesn’t get why I’m mad.
11.) I’m appalled. I ask him to leave me alone and go to his office or somewhere else in the house. I’m really upset.
12.) He says all I ever do is get mad too easily now and put the blame on him.
13.) I literally-now argue for five minutes how he never takes accountability for this sort of manipulative behavior and makes me appear to be the crazy one after he twisted the situation. I yell this ****’s getting old.
14.) He calmly claims he hasn’t shouted once and he’s here for the discussion. “So tell me... What did I do? Think about my feelings too.”
15.) I give him the cold shoulder. He clearly doesn’t get where I’m coming from.

Bonus: He said— “It’s always the same thing with you. You blow up. Freak out. Give it two hours and you come back to snuggle, kiss me, and say you’re sorry. That gets old too.”

I hate to throw this out there. Often he is a great man!! But I’m wondering...is this emotional manipulation? Because I can’t seem to find the right terminology for it. It’s not detatchment; almost not even emotional validation otherwise he’d be consulting me and not fighting me so strangely...
We even had a fight over communication error Saturday night after a concert to try and find a Uber to get us home. I’m not a mind reader. He said I don’t even give him a chance to explain. I don’t know if that’s true about me... or not.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Well, you started the yelling and cussing. If you did the same kind of "discussion" regarding the Uber...then ya, you are quick to argue. 

I think, maybe you two need help in learning how to argue. Maybe a marriage counselor could help....kind of referee and/or help with communication strategies. 

I think I "argue" more like he does, and I wouldn't even talk to someone if they are yelling at me about inconsequential things. I'd blow it off and walk away. I also wouldn't give the time of day to someone telling me where I should go when they are mad at me. "Go to your office"? Psssssssssht.... I'm going out. 

So it's not that I think he is right, I just think y'all do not know how to talk to each other. BOTH of you.


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## 90s SongBird (Jan 4, 2018)

SunnyT said:


> Well, you started the yelling and cussing. If you did the same kind of "discussion" regarding the Uber...then ya, you are quick to argue.
> I also wouldn't give the time of day to someone telling me where I should go when they are mad at me. "Go to your office"? Psssssssssht.... I'm going out.
> 
> So it's not that I think he is right, I just think y'all do not know how to talk to each other. BOTH of you.


Thank you for your input. Counseling has been something that’s been crossing my mind lately. I know I can’t be the angel to this situation.
But just to clarify two things:
-I did not yell or cuss at the venue. I don’t like limelight and anything to draw attention to me. Plus it’s just inappropriate behavior for the public eye. There was kids there. And I wasn’t going to let myself end up on someone’s phone for video content. I just stated I think it would be best we stay inside for a moment to let the exiting crowds die out before we get our Uber and it was cold out. He didn’t say anything or share a better idea (which I’m always open for ideas). Instead he stared at his phone and said all the Uber’s are gone and none in the area were available. That’s what caused me to stiffen and I calmly tried to talk to him when all he could say was, “Yep. Typical. I knew this would happen”. But that’s my fault too for some lack of communication between us although he agreed to my plan earlier.
-Also. I only started to yell/say BS tonight when he crookedly turned the tables on me assuming I was arguing and kept thinking I was arguing to the point where I was getting blatantly upset. I only told him to go to his office because I didn’t want to point him to the door over this. I’ve never kicked my husband out of the house. He’d have nowhere to go and a hote is out of the question. Plus it’s rude. My husband exaggerates he’s leaving for the night a few times with past fights but he’s never been gone for more than a few hours and always returns so I don’t even buy that bit anymore. I just wanted time alone suddenly and away from his presence. Y’know. Couples do go to other rooms to have some time to think and calm down.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

* I just wanted time alone suddenly and away from his presence. Y’know. Couples do go to other rooms to have some time to think and calm down.*

I get that. I just think that you could walk out of the room instead of telling another grown up what they should do because you are upset. Just an idea. 

But ya, I'm sure there are books about communicating...I can't think of any right now. There's the whole Mars/Venus thing, but I think this is different. It might be a starting point tho, thinking about how men and women communicate differently, and how they don't always understand what the other is saying....or why. 

If you suggest counseling...I'd do it with a lot of "we" words, make it about "us" and bringing "us" closer and giving us tools to help us and ........ .you get the idea. About strengthening the bond.


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## 90s SongBird (Jan 4, 2018)

SunnyT said:


> I'm sure there are books about communicating...I can't think of any right now. There's the whole Mars/Venus thing, but I think this is different. It might be a starting point tho, thinking about how men and women communicate differently, and how they don't always understand what the other is saying....or why.
> 
> If you suggest counseling...I'd do it with a lot of "we" words, make it about "us" and bringing "us" closer and giving us tools to help us and ........ .you get the idea. About strengthening the bond.


Thanks Again 
Maybe I’ll look into some self-help for relationships and communication books from my local library.

And yes. I get what you are saying 
I am a manager and what I know that is true and valuable when confronting a person is that one should never use the word, “You.” When addressing a problem. No one likes finger-pointing. Although he’s my husband, and not my employee or even a child, I will be sure to use We/Us/Ourselves for our issues.
Thanks again.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

90s SongBird said:


> Thanks Again
> Maybe I’ll look into some self-help for relationships and communication books from my local library.
> 
> And yes. I get what you are saying
> ...


Jeeeez you sound like hard work to me.
Why did he have to leave the room,couldn’t you do it?
Why is it his fault that you can’t control your temper and started screaming at him?
You say you are a manager so you have been trained how to diffuse a situation,yet you show only contempt for your husband.
One of these days he will leave and he won’t come back or if he does he will have divorce papers with him.
Try this the next time you feel the need to start shouting at your husband,slowly count to twenty.
Then keep your mouth shut.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

Yes, he is being a manipulative *******, it's called "anger dumping", i.e. he is not getting his way, he gets angry and then tries to "bait" you into joining his anger party with veiled insults:

Here:



90s SongBird said:


> 5.) He says I don’t understand the workforce and never have...
> 6.) He walks away muttering something about arguing with me.
> 7.) I say come back here please. I’m not arguing, I’m discussing. I understand how sick days work when you’re actually sick.
> 8.) He says, “Well now you are [arguing]”.


And Here:



90s SongBird said:


> “Yep. Typical. I knew this would happen”.


However, that doesn't justify you yelling or name calling. All you have to do is not take his "bait", stay calm and disengage. It will take time but if you show him that will ignore his "bait" and refuse to engage when he is being an ******* then he might just stop doing it.

In the first incident, after statement #8, I would have calmly said "I see things differently" and then left the room to do something else ... discussion over.

In the second incident ... I wouldn't even acknowledge that statement with a reply.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Y'all don't have to be in agreement on every little thing. People have different opinions so mentally agree to disagree. It will save you a lot of aggravation and turmoil.

Yeah, don't be telling your husband where to go (lol). He's an adult and doesn't have to go stand in the corner until you're over your mad.


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## 90s SongBird (Jan 4, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> 90s SongBird said:
> 
> 
> > Thanks Again
> ...


Clearly didn’t read my whole discussion with the previous member above. It’s a lot to read but if you took the time to read all of the responses you would understand my tips and points to my story a little bit better. Please don’t be so quick to read me. Read the material before you cast judgement. Thanks for the input!


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

90s SongBird said:


> I can’t describe the way my husband has been lately or the way that he makes me feel when he acts out on a situation— Here’s one of the behaviors I’ve been seeing lately, this one particularly happened tonight and I have no clue what to make of it:
> 
> 1.) Discussion of a family trip. Money is tight. Might not go. Maybe weeks later.
> 2.) I explain 60 Day no absentees contract from new Work I started today. We talk of sick day... I say but if I’m not sick, that’s cheating...
> ...


 Can you see how he would feel defensive to your reaction to his solution to the problem? You said taking a sick day when not sick is cheating. Which means it is bad = he is a bad person for suggesting it (even though 95% of people would do so). You made it a morality issue and it made him defensive. 

Had you said “I am really not comfortable taking a sick day when I am not really sick, especially during that 60 day window. I know a lot of people do it but I wouldn’t have fun on the trip if I did, are there any dates we can 8 weeks from now?” it might have ended differently. You make it about you and not judging all people (and him) who call in sick (when not) as liars and cheaters. 

As for the Uber thing, I think that is on you too. Not because you were wrong, because you internalized his reaction to the situation. I do the same thing. Like I am in control of everything in the world. And seriously, there were just so many cars available at one time - someone was going to be left to wait, why not you two? “Well that didn’t go as planned” might be a good phrase. And if he still crabbed, just get comfortable being uncomfortable for a bit. Don’t argue or defend. 

Last point is that I noticed lots of “always” and “never” statements from you both. I don’t know if you really used those words, but if you did, you WERE arguing. They immediately put people on the defensive and should NEVER be used. My husband used to use them often and I admit it took me from talking about a benign subject to acting like a banshee.


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## 90s SongBird (Jan 4, 2018)

Bluesclues said:


> 90s SongBird said:
> 
> 
> > Can you see how he would feel defensive to your reaction to his solution to the problem? You said taking a sick day when not sick is cheating. Which means it is bad = he is a bad person for suggesting it (even though 95% of people would do so). You made it a morality issue and it made him defensive.
> ...


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## 23cm (Dec 3, 2016)

90s SongBird said:


> Clearly didn’t read my whole discussion with the previous member above. It’s a lot to read but if you took the time to read all of the responses you would understand my tips and points to my story a little bit better. Please don’t be so quick to read me. Read the material before you cast judgement. Thanks for the input!


I get it. 
Money is tight. Maybe you’ll go. Maybe not. 
You are right. Everyone else is wrong. 
They mutter. You yell. 
They cause a fight, but won’t fight.
You stand pat. Order hubby to get out. 
You’re a manager so you know how to talk to people.
Everyone else has a communication problem. 


If hubby ever finds the key to the testicle lockbox, you should include your post in your Match dot com profile as fair warning.


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## Staisha (Sep 20, 2016)

I think this is an emotional manipulation.


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