# making it work, but no desire...



## sntdwn2ufrmhvn (May 20, 2010)

So just a fair warning this could be a little long.

I have been with DH for about 4 years now, we have a 2 year old son, and I have a 6 year old son from a previous marriage. He is currently a SAHD and helps me out a lot with oldest son as well as being the best dad ever to our 2 yr old. He cleans, cooks some, does just so much on that level..none of that is the issue.

Before i got pregnant dh was talking to some girls online, from what i could find only online. we worked on some things, and to my knowledge we fixed them. shortly after i got pregnant even tho i had a IUD. i wasn't too upset considering things were great at this point. we had been planning a trip to California to see his best friend and his wife before i knew i was pregnant. once i knew i didn't want to fly because during my 1st marriage i had a miscarriage right after flying and just in case it was related i just couldn't bare to chance it. i felt comfortable with our relationship for him to go alone, especially since he was going to visit a close best friend, and his friend is married so i thought even better lol. boy was i wrong, he cheated on me with the wifes friend. i won't go into how i found out because that story is way to long but needless to say i found out. i chose to stay because #1 i was pregnant, #2 the day before i found out i got fired from my job shortly after telling them i was pregnant. so at the time he was working and to be honest i had no other choice for me, my oldest son, and my unborn child but to stay. so at first i acted like i handled it almost too well...pretended like it didn't bother me. 

during my pregnancy sex was rough, he was never in the mood. he said it was because he felt weird about sex while i was pregnant, although with him just having cheated on me i was emotionally a wreck so i couldn't handle him not wanting to.

every time we tried he either couldn't get hard, or would go soft DURING. i would find tons of porn on the computer, and would look at download times and would often be directly after he either turned me down or had a failed attempt with me. so it wasn't lack of desire it was just lack of desire WITH ME. and at this point i barely even looked pregnant, but this continued throughout the whole pregnancy. sex was horrible. it didn't help that the porn he watched was often girls that looked very similar to the girl he cheated with. she was mexican, dark hair, dark eyes. i'm blonde hair, green eyes. so it was obvious he wanted THAT, not me. one thing that sticks with me to this day is he asked me if i would dye my hair dark brown or black? that upset me deeply.

after our son was born, i tried my best to want sex, and to get him to want me. but after a million failed attempts once again of him going soft, not getting hard, him still watching porn, him not being able to ever "finish"...i've just literally lost all interest. to be completely honest i have stepped out and seen other people. it was during a break we took last year, but he doesn't know. 

i am making things work for my family, i know that's not the "in" thing to do anymore, and everyone will just say leave him, but we get along good, we have movie night, we laugh, talk, etc etc. and like i said he's amazing with both kids, i am just not whatsoever attracted to him at all anymore, and i don't want to have sex with him ever again. i actually flinch when he touches me like a stranger is touching me. when we kept making failed attempts at sex for over a year, i felt rejected, let down, unattractive, unloved, unwanted...i feel like maybe due to feeling those things for so long i turned those emotions off so that i wouldn't feel hurt anymore, but i think at this point i've reversed it...and i think i am hurting him. there is probably no one that can make sense of all this, but if you took the time to read it. thank you.  lol


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## DDC (Jul 16, 2012)

I took the time to read it so you're welcome.  

What do you want out of your relationship now?


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## mattcook (Jul 19, 2012)

Let me make some sense out of what you wrote, which is heart breaking actually.

Your DH is badly affected by porn. Deep into it. Porn use causes ED and loss of interest in real partners. He has escalating his porn use to the point where his brain isn't wired so well to you anymore. A "novel" partner might work out for him to stay hard but most of the time, maybe all the time, not.

Once you understand that porn has caused his erectile dysfunction, you know the solution for him would be to quit porn and go through a withdrawal period. That could take a few months but if he wants to have his penis performing again and wants to get his life back from porn, he'll struggle and withdraw from the porn completely.

That will involve a period of no porn or masturbation or orgasms if he is to successfully kick the porn.

Now, if you want to stay with him and want to get a wonderful life with him, you have to get him to quit porn and be serious about this change. He may not want to do it, or he may. YourBrainOnPorn.com is a fantastic resource for this. Get him to watch the videos there and he'll understand his problem better.

A guy wants to be able to stay hard. And he will think at this point he isn't attracted to you anymore, and the reason is because he is full of porn and masturbation induced brain chemicals that cause him not to feel the attraction and not to be able to perform in bed with you either.

That can all be fixed.

Just not clear from your post what you want, exactly. Are you wanting to stay together? Then I would insist he kick the porn. But what do *you* want?


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

'I am making things work for my family...'. Well done.

There are many many people on TAM who WILL tell you to just get the hell out of there asap. You have young children, no job and apart from his sex/porn 'issues' you seem to have an ok time with him (movie nights etc) and he is good with the children....seems his popn/sex issue is the only issue...??

So I will certainly NOT say leave him. 

I'm afraid I don't know what to say that will help...other than I am in a sexless marriage...I have no real emotional connection with my wife and, like you, whenever she comes near me or touches me I feel uneasy...as I would if a stranger invaded my personal 'space'. 
But she is a good mother and we get on in all other ways.

So the best I can do I'm afraid is say; I know how you feel.....


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