# Depressed and confused



## Kitty13212 (Mar 8, 2012)

Hi, I am new to this forum and I really need some help. I have been married to my husband for 3 years and together for 6 years. I feel that we get along great and have a great marriage. I happen to be bi polar and depressed a lot of the time. But, he does make me happy and it is just hard to express sometimes. I am also very insecure due to my past and I have been worried about him checking out other women which he always declined and said I am the only beautiful, sexy and hot woman in his life. However, I just found out last week that he has been lying to me for the past 5 1/2 years about watching porn.. I am completely against it and do not want it in our marriage at all. I was raised with different views. He has been trying to tell me and I get upset every time this subject arises... He lied cause he did not want to hurt my feelings. Now that he has seen how hurt i am over it, he has promised to stop as long as I work better in the bedroom.. which i am very nervous about since I have been sexually abused in the past. I am currently seeing a hypnotherapist for this.. I need advice on how to move on with this issue. He says it has nothing to do with me and still thinks i am the only beautiful, etc.. should i believe him????


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Kitty13212 said:


> He has been trying to tell me and I get upset every time this subject arises... He lied cause he did not want to hurt my feelings.


That might be partly true but it's mostly false. I've heard this from my H many times about the porn issue. The entire truth is that he wanted to watch it, knew you'd freak out and didnt want to have to deal with your tantrums. He was going to do it one way or another so what would've been the point in telling you? It would just cause a fight. The ONLY part he is regretting right now is that you found out. Until he can admit to this I wouldnt expect him to change. 



Kitty13212 said:


> He says it has nothing to do with me and still thinks i am the only beautiful, etc.. should i believe him????


No, you shouldnt. He's telling you what you want to hear in order to avoid a fight. My H also does this. I'll ask him if he thinks a movie star is pretty and he'll say, "oh no she's too 'plastic'. not natural enough. I dont like women who aren't natural." Seriously??? So I said, "Really, so those playboy bunnies that you like to look at aren't plastic?" That's about when I get the deer-in-the-headlights look, although I've caught him in enough lies in the past that he's starting to just be honest with me. He still lies about who he finds attractive, though. He will tell me he thinks every single women, other then me, is unattractive. It's not sincere; it's a method to avoid a fight. He thinks I'll get upset if he tells me another women is pretty. Guys like ours will do or say anything to our face if they think it'll smooth things over and keep the peace. But behind our backs they'll do whatever they really want to do.

The way to move forward is to make sure he's starting to be honest with you and not hide from your anger. If he wont be honest then you cant trust him and your marriage will dissolve. The other thing involves you dealing with your past. You were abused in the past and that abuse has a lot, maybe even everything to do with how hurt and confused you are. You have to realize that your H is not hurting you by watching porn and thinking other women are beautiful; the person who is hurting you is whomever abused you in the past. Try not to direct the anger that you have towards the person in your past at your H.


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## Kitty13212 (Mar 8, 2012)

Blanca said:


> That might be partly true but it's mostly false. I've heard this from my H many times about the porn issue. The entire truth is that he wanted to watch it, knew you'd freak out and didnt want to have to deal with your tantrums. He was going to do it one way or another so what would've been the point in telling you? It would just cause a fight. The ONLY part he is regretting right now is that you found out. Until he can admit to this I wouldnt expect him to change.
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> ...


Thank you for your input. I really appreciate it. He has always told me he thinks other women are ok or attractive for the most part. But I truly believe him in the sense that he really does think I'm the most beautiful. He loves me and is always joking about the guys looking at me. Ironically, I am a model and he knows other men look at my photos. They are def not x rated or nudity. But a lot of people have told me that my H knows what he has lol. Like you said my past is hurting me which doesn't help me in the bedroom. I do think he likes to watch that stuff. But we talked again and he said he would rather watch it with me. He said that he really did quit watching porn cause we have a deal and he cares more about me than porn. So hopefully I can get thru this.
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## Kitty13212 (Mar 8, 2012)

@ Blanca, he is not regretting telling me at all. I did not once "throw" a tantrum. I am very hurt by it so I just cried a lot and kept to myself. He does feel bad that he hurt me. But he wanted to be honest. We have now made a deal that he will stop as long as I work harder in the bedroom lol. He is wonderful, always thinking of me and helping with chores, buying flowers, etc. It just really shocked me that he too got pulled into the porn world....sigh...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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