# Ready to leave



## ScaredinFlorida (Sep 29, 2009)

Ok so I am finally ready to make a move, I have been with my husband for 9.5years and married for 4.5 of them. We got married in our very early 20's and (21-me, 23-him) He has been verbally abusive from day one. I thought it was all my fault ho can I fix him and this marriage and I realized I can not. he must want to fix himself. We have been through counseling 2x and have gotten no where. I find myself doing things like working late to avoid him. I know I need to get away from him for my own well being and our daughter's. (she is 3) He has completely and utterly disrespected me many times in front of her, and our friends. I told my best friend and my sister about what I was thinking about and they both agreed they thought it was best, their husbands also think my husband is a jerk and like him as a person but have seen and heard him saw things to me to m in front of them and they too think I am doing the right thing. I am wondering though, how should I tell him? I have already made a plan about what I want and as far as child custody and possesions, and I am willing to move out leave him with the majority of things, and help him pay our rent until he decides if he wants to stay in the house, and get a room mate, or move somewhere else etc. I have thought about taking him out for dinner and discussing it with him, while our child is with a sitter, and also be ready for him to explode on me etc.. I think he suspects something is up, I have been trying to distance myself lately. any suggestions? Please help?


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

Statistically, there is a fairly good chance that separation might be the missing ingredient that is needed to make your husband really change.

Are you ready to deal with a genuine desire for change on his part?

If so, don't you think it is better for him to leave the house?

Trial separation woks best when it forces reality upon the person who is living in a fantasy world. Your husband may well think of himself as a good man, a good provider, and a good father. If that is so, he is in fantasy land. A trial separation, _with him leaving the house,_ is the tried and true medicine to bring change upon those who live in a make believe world.

Statistically, the majority of men who have affairs and are asked to leave their homes quickly realize that their "new love" is selfish, difficult, moody, brooding, etc. (as you would expect from a person who does such a thing). Reality quickly brings the cheater back home with an earnest desire to change.

It is different with abuse. Some men abuse and know they abuse (these are very dangerous people). Other men see nothing wrong with what they do and are in real need of a reality check (these guys often reform to make wonderful husbands).

If you have hope for your marriage, your "restaurant" approach to making the cut-off painless for your husband is exactly the wrong thing to do. Let him come home to packed luggage, changed house keys, and a letter from a lawyer. Give him a day to scream his lungs out, then meet him in a restaurant to tell him you still love him, still have hope, but can no longer live with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

Good luck.


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## ScaredinFlorida (Sep 29, 2009)

Thank you for the response, I am already in the process of loooking for another place to live. I have started the filing process(I purchased the paperwork from the court) and have an appointment with an attorney on 1/6/09. My question is I want him to prove to me he can change and the change is permanent. The problem is he sees nothing wrong with the things he has done, and has changed for the short term, but reverted back to the old behavior. If he does change how can I ensure the changes are permanent? I don't want him to change and I go back home and he reverts again. I will not tolerate it. I don't want to be in this place ever again. I have been struggling for months with this decision and it is the hardest thing I have ever done. I love him, I don't want to be withou him, but his father is the exact same way and is 65, and has been married 2x and been through several girlfriends. My husband is just like him, what do I do? DO I make the split and keep going or let him work on redemption and come to me while I continue to file for divorce? I need help.


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## eljonesen (Jun 8, 2012)

I am sorry that you are going through this cycle. Don't let your daughter see this is how a woman should be treated. As far as the new and old behaviors-I'm sure if you ask his fathers ex wives they would tell you that he did the same thing-learned behavior. Break the cycle-if not for you but for your daughter.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Dammit, who keeps bringing back zombie threads? I keep typing out responses and giving likes and then realizing it's on a THREE YEAR OLD THREAD.


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