# I just need a way out



## Lavender&Lace (Oct 7, 2011)

Hello Everyone,

I just want to write and vent out my frustrations at the moment. I feel so angry and hurt and sad. I feel stuck and hopeless like things will never get better. I know what I need to do, but I'm not sure if it's right or if I will regret it. I need to leave my husband and create a life of my own.

I do not love my husband and have grown very cold toward him. Due to many hurtful words said repeatedly throughout the marriage of 17 years, I find it really hard to conjure up loving and romantic feelings toward him. Unfortunately for me I'm unemployed or rather underemployed due to a shortage of work. I'm desperately trying to get something else, just to be out from under his control. I have no money. I have no power. I'm afraid to ask for some money out of the savings account. I don't even have access to it. 

My husband has not been feeling well the last 3 or 4 days and has been enjoying the attention of his mom,dad and sisters calling him every 5 seconds. He limps around the house moaning and being a big baby. However, he has enough strength to go to work and to yell at me and remind me just who it is that makes money and pays for everything. I'm so tired of it. He does this often because he can. What can I really do about it?

I wish I could leave today. I'm stuck. I'm praying that a really good job comes through for me soon. I'm desperate. 

I feel like I will never be happy. It's just not going to happen for me. My parents had a terrible marriage as I was growing up and honestly getting pregnant and married at 18 was my way out. Plus I was helping him get his immigration status here. If I could go back in time...I would do so many things different.

I'm trying to have faith but it's dwindling. I'm so depressed. I'm really down on myself for not being able to get a job. My husband has been rubbing it in my face that even our 16 year old is making more than me at the moment. I haven't gotten any shifts at my workplace (I'm a casual, on call employee) and she has a pt job at McDonald's. She's very good, going to school, making good grades and working her job and saving her money. I'm very proud of her! However, my husband just basically yelled out in front of the whole household "at least she's going to work, that's more then you do"...wow, well didn't that shut me up. Please pray something comes through for me soon...

Part of me knows I can do better, but part of me feels like maybe I cannot and I'm a failure and always will be. I don't know what to think a lot of the time....

This is a cycle that goes around and around and I KNOW that because of my position of powerlessness does it continue. I just need a way out because I'm sinking.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

ok if your not happy LEAVE him! dont be selfish and leave him when its good for you. dont string him along any longer. dont say ill leave him WHEN its good for me to do so (selfish only thinking about you) sit him down be honest and leave its not that hard.


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## Lavender&Lace (Oct 7, 2011)

I would leave if I could. I can't live on the street.


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## Pravius (Dec 12, 2012)

Lavender&Lace said:


> I would leave if I could. I can't live on the street.


If he really treats you that bad, then I would not have any remorse for taking some of his money for the years that you have had to endure it and support him. You are married, which means half of everything is yours, regardless of what he says. 

You can go if you really want to, you just need to be creative and have an open mind, and you have TO REALLY WANT TO!


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## Lavender&Lace (Oct 7, 2011)

I really want to. I mean it's to the point where I don't care what I lose. I'm so tired and weary. I need some if the money from the account but my stomach is in knots even to broach the topic. It will cause a huge blow up with him insulting me and telling me how I never do anything and if it wasn't for him we wouldn't have anything. I just want to live in peace.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lavender&Lace (Oct 7, 2011)

I can't tell anyone IRL about this because its embarrassing and I've mentioned these problems to others in the past and I've done nothing to change things for myself. I'm still here. I'm afraid sooner or later my kids will stop respecting me. Mom is the lazy one with nothing and dad keeps it all together. Hell I partially believe that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

Lavender, I know how it feels to be completely dependent on a man for your food and shelter and LIFE. I have a college degree but there is a huge gap on my resume because it was very important to my husband that I stay home with my children. 

Thankfully, my husband is not an outright abusive man but I still feel like a child or a dependent in our relationship, even though me staying home enables him to work in a pretty exciting field. 

So in December I decided to take back some of my power. I took over managing the household budget. I get a hefty chunk of cash, plan the household expenditures and when my husband needs cash for food or gas he has to come to me. All the bills still come out of our bank account which he controls but the cash budget it controlled by me. 

There must be something you can do to take back a bit of your power. Make a plan, go back to school, find another job, ANYTHING. That way you are doing something productive and hopefully beginning to detach yourself from him. 

And if he is an abusive butt, I wouldn't lose one wink of sleep over taking some money and starting a new life.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

AnnieAsh said:


> Lavender, I know how it feels to be completely dependent on a man for your food and shelter and LIFE. I have a college degree but there is a huge gap on my resume because it was very important to my husband that I stay home with my children.
> 
> *Thankfully, my husband is not an outright abusive man but I still feel like a child or a dependent in our relationship, even though me staying home enables him to work in a pretty exciting field*.
> 
> ...


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

terrence4159 said:


> ok if your not happy LEAVE him! dont be selfish and leave him when its good for you. dont string him along any longer. dont say ill leave him WHEN its good for me to do so (selfish only thinking about you) sit him down be honest and leave its not that hard.


Selfishness is not a factor in a situation like this but survival is. What is good for her is to leave now, she cant because she raised the kids allowing him to succeed in the workforce. She has nothing as he controls all the finances. It isnt selfish to take care of yourself when you are being abused and mistreated. You think you can just sit a man like this down and be honest?? It would be wonderful if it were that simple

When i told my ex I wanted a divorce, he stopped buying food, shut the phone and stopped giving me any money. Like an idiot i used to give him my pay checks. He hid the car keys, and refused to watch our kids so I could take jobs as I was a substitute teacher at the time.


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## Kaya62003 (Jan 8, 2013)

terrence4159 said:


> ok if your not happy LEAVE him! dont be selfish and leave him when its good for you. dont string him along any longer. dont say ill leave him WHEN its good for me to do so (selfish only thinking about you) sit him down be honest and leave its not that hard.


Agreed!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Pravius said:


> You are married, which means half of everything is yours, regardless of what he says.


Uh, not necessarily true ... even in community property states.

However, Lavender, I think you should get hold of a family law attorney to find out what is your's. Generally, an attorney wants to see, at least, your federal tax returns from the last five years. You can often get a free initial consultation.

Alimony is a thing of the past, unless age and longevity of marriage are considered major factors. However, spousal support, for a period of time determined by the court, would allow you to get on your feet.

Yes, this economy stinks. But if you are software savvy (or can learn such skills), you can get work as an office temp. There is also retail, although in this economy, even retailers are cutting back on their workforce.

The thing is, you DO have a right to access accounts that are solely in his name if those accounts were created during the marriage.

Yes, you DO need a way out, and that is why a lawyer is crucial in giving you the guidance to achieve this. It is entirely possible that you could pay legal fees from the money you would receive from the divorce.

Knowledge is power. Use it.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

Kaya62003 said:


> Agreed!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh yes, it can be very hard especially when you have no outside support.


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## Kaya62003 (Jan 8, 2013)

inarut said:


> Oh yes, it can be very hard especially when you have no outside support.


My STBXH had an affair...when we agreed he leave, he took everything. And I started over with nothing. Btw my ex was extremely verbally and mentally abusive. So yes, if you want it bad enough you can do it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

terrence4159 said:


> ok if your not happy LEAVE him! dont be selfish and leave him when its good for you. dont string him along any longer. dont say ill leave him WHEN its good for me to do so (selfish only thinking about you) sit him down be honest and leave its not that hard.


I don't see a problem with someone covering their ass against a partner who abuses them.

In fact it is hard, very hard

It's not possible to be up front an honest with an abuser as it just causes more and worse abuse.

Selfish thinking is what she appears to need here.

It would seem you need to bide your time OP and stash any cash you can get a hold of where he won't find it.

Keep looking for that stable job.

Do you have any family or friends who could lend you a hand?


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

Lavender&Lace said:


> I can't tell anyone IRL about this because its embarrassing and I've mentioned these problems to others in the past and I've done nothing to change things for myself. *I'm still here. I'm afraid sooner or later my kids will stop respecting me. Mom is the lazy one with nothing and dad keeps it all together. Hell I partially believe that.*_Posted via Mobile Device_


This was a big part of my motivation to leave. Your kids may very well lose respect for you as well not to mention how they may carry this dynamic into thier own relationships.


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## Kaya62003 (Jan 8, 2013)

inarut said:


> Did you have children?


Not together, but we both have a child. We attempted but I had 3 miscarriages. You can never leave someone if you don't try. My STBXH hurt me constantly and I put up with it. The affair gave me all the motivation to move on and be happy again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lavender&Lace (Oct 7, 2011)

I have signed up with a temp agency and scored decently on the Micorosoft programs, I HOPE that an opportunity comes through...Also, I'm applying for any and everything I see.

My husband only has about $3500 saved up but I can't access it. I did contribute to it and I know that I'm entitled to half. It's just he gets so wound up and extremely verbally abusive around the whole money thing. I'm literally afraid to ask for it, due to whatever repurcussions that might incur. Even it I got half and paid down on an apartment, then what? My kids would be devestated...I know separations happen everyday, but I am so paralyzed by the whole "what if" ...

My parents are totally broke and can barely support themselves unfortunately. I have no idea of living with my dad and his miserable cantakerous ways...that is what I ran away from 17 years ago. He has calmed down some in his old age, but can still be miserable and raise hell when he's stressed. 

I don't have money to speak to a lawyer...

Screw it...maybe I should demand my half of the money and leave and figure it out as I go? My husband would make sure that it would be the biggest mistake I ever made.

Why do I feel like I can't do this?


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

Kaya62003 said:


> My STBXH had an affair...when we agreed he leave, he took everything. And I started over with nothing. Btw my ex was extremely verbally and mentally abusive. So yes, if you want it bad enough you can do it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree, if you want it bad enough you find a way but did you have children you needed to care for? Picking up and just leaving on your own is one thing. Having children to feed is another.


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## Kaya62003 (Jan 8, 2013)

inarut said:


> I agree, if you want it ba denough you find a way but did you have children you needed to care for?


Originally Posted by inarut:
Did you have children?
Not together, but we both have a child. We attempted but I had 3 miscarriages. You can never leave someone if you don't try. My STBXH hurt me constantly and I put up with it. The affair gave me all the motivation to move on and be happy again.
Posted via Mobile Device
[Edit] [Reply] [!!]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

Kaya62003 said:


> Originally Posted by inarut:
> Did you have children?
> Not together, but we both have a child. We attempted but I had 3 miscarriages. You can never leave someone if you don't try. My STBXH hurt me constantly and I put up with it. The affair gave me all the motivation to move on and be happy again.
> Posted via Mobile Device
> ...


I edited my post before I saw your response to it. I'm sure you have valuable info to share. How did you do it?


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

Lavender&Lace said:


> I have signed up with a temp agency and scored decently on the Micorosoft programs, I HOPE that an opportunity comes through...Also, I'm applying for any and everything I see.
> 
> My husband only has about $3500 saved up but I can't access it. I did contribute to it and I know that I'm entitled to half. It's just he gets so wound up and extremely verbally abusive around the whole money thing. I'm literally afraid to ask for it, due to whatever repurcussions that might incur. Even it I got half and paid down on an apartment, then what? My kids would be devestated...I know separations happen everyday, but I am so paralyzed by the whole "what if" ...
> 
> ...


You can do it. You need more info and more stable work to start. You can get a lawyer for free through the courts..step one.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Lavender&Lace said:


> My husband only has about $3500 saved up but I can't access it. I did contribute to it and I know that I'm entitled to half. It's just he gets so wound up and extremely verbally abusive around the whole money thing. I'm literally afraid to ask for it, due to whatever repurcussions that might incur.
> 
> *I am so paralyzed by the whole "what if" ...*
> 
> ...


To begin with, you can call local attorneys to find out who will give you a *FREE* initial consultation. If nobody will, you go to the Public Defenders office. Lots of young attorneys take on pro bono work to get experience. 

Now I will give you my take on "what if" thinking ... You aren't dealing with WHAT IF; you are dealing with WHAT IS. The difference? What-if may never happen. It also is why you feel you can't go through with this. 

Get your mind firmly entrenched in WHAT IS. The difference? It will clear your thoughts, calm your fears, and you will be able to move forward. The fears of what-if that are holding you back will be minimized.

Half of the money in the account belongs to you. You contributed to the account, even if your name is not on it. Thus, you have what is considered commingled funds. This is why you need an attorney. He/she will be able to see that you get what is your's. Again, you can get an attorney who will perform pro bono work. That is WHAT IS.


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## Lavender&Lace (Oct 7, 2011)

Kaya62003 said:


> Not together, but we both have a child. We attempted but I had 3 miscarriages. You can never leave someone if you don't try. My STBXH hurt me constantly and I put up with it. The affair gave me all the motivation to move on and be happy again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks for sharing. I appreciate it. I wonder if you could share about the actual logistics of starting over.

I have never lived on my own. I've never done anything by myself. I am resolved that this is what I need to do, but just don't know how to make it happen.

Do you just get a place and move out in secret? I've only ever been with my husband Literally spent half my life with him....it seems easy enough to just get up and go but it's not...


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## Lavender&Lace (Oct 7, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> To begin with, you can call local attorneys to find out who will give you a *FREE* initial consultation. If nobody will, you go to the Public Defenders office. Lots of young attorneys take on pro bono work to get experience.
> 
> Now I will give you my take on "what if" thinking ... You aren't dealing with WHAT IF; you are dealing with WHAT IS. The difference? What-if may never happen. It also is why you feel you can't go through with this.
> 
> ...


 
Thank you soo much. This is exactly the type of advice I need. Thank you.


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## Kaya62003 (Jan 8, 2013)

Lavender&Lace said:


> Thanks for sharing. I appreciate it. I wonder if you could share about the actual logistics of starting over.
> 
> I have never lived on my own. I've never done anything by myself. I am resolved that this is what I need to do, but just don't know how to make it happen.
> 
> Do you just get a place and move out in secret? I've only ever been with my husband Literally spent half my life with him....it seems easy enough to just get up and go but it's not...


Well the house was mine before we got married. So I asked/told him to move out. However, he took all our furniture and left me with nothing but the house. I am not going to lie and say it is extremely easy. Because I had to deal with the affair, paying my mortgage all by myself and finding furniture. But knowing I deserved better and that he was a lying sack of ****, helped make starting over easier.

Do you have any women shelters in your area? Like a YWCA? Most of these places are set up to help you get on your feet, while offering you a safe place to stay. Since he's the breadwinner you should be able to get alimony and child support. You won't regret leaving someone who hurts you. Do you have daughters? Think of them being in the same situation as you. Would you want a man talking to them the way he talks to you? Your children witness these things whether you are aware of it or not. I didnt want my daughter to think staying with a man who mentally/verbally abuses and cheats on her mom, as being an acceptable relationship behavior. So that also helped the situation. 

Go on the Internet, google divorce in your state. Find your states website and look at divorce fees being waived. Also, women's shelters can offer help for divorce. I hope I have been somewhat helpful. The best thing for you, is to realize you deserve to be happy. Even if it seems impossible, just remember its the right decision. Feel free to PM anytime you need for additional support through this...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

Prodigal said:


> To begin with, you can call local attorneys to find out who will give you a *FREE* initial consultation. If nobody will, you go to the Public Defenders office. Lots of young attorneys take on pro bono work to get experience.
> 
> *Now I will give you my take on "what if" thinking ... You aren't dealing with WHAT IF; you are dealing with WHAT IS. The difference? What-if may never happen. It also is why you feel you can't go through with this.
> 
> ...


:iagree:
Trust me, the 'what ifs" in your case are the last bit of hope you have left along with the fear of an unknown future. It is never easy to end a marriage. Nobody does it lightly. There comes a time, usually after too many years that you come to accept that "what is" is all it will ever be and when you accept that...thats when you say...enough, no more, goodbye....and you walk away clean....


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Lavender&Lace said:


> I have never lived on my own. I've never done anything by myself. I am resolved that this is what I need to do, but just don't know how to make it happen.
> 
> ....it seems easy enough to just get up and go but it's not...


You're right; it isn't easy to just walk away from a marriage. But in the time I've been on this planet, I haven't found much in life that is easy. The things we face that are the most challenging, however, are the very things that help us evolve and learn.

You need support; thus, a network/support system. Do you have any friends who have gone out on their own? If not, is there a local YMCA or YWCA in your area? They offer fantastic support to women who are trying to get back into the workplace, leave a marriage, and get on their feet.

If that isn't available, locate your county's community services office. They are an invaluable resource. The county in which I live has an excellent outreach for single parents and women in transition. Funds are tight, but the staff does everything they can to help women like you.

I walked out on a marriage and didn't know squat. But I learned. Yes, it was scarey and somewhat overwhelming at times. The best thing I learned was to become independent. I don't feel lonely, nor do I feel I need a man in my life to "complete" me. I've driven across country (2,400 miles) driving a U-Haul truck, towing my car TWICE. Alone. Well, my two cats were riding shotgun. 

What I learned is, in spite of my fears and uncertainty, I could accomplish what I needed to do. 

Lavender, you CAN do this. I promise you. You just have to take the first step. And it DOES become easier.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

Kaya62003 said:


> Well the house was mine before we got married. So I asked/told him to move out. However, he took all our furniture and left me with nothing but the house. I am not going to lie and say it is extremely easy. Because I had to deal with the affair, paying my mortgage all by myself and finding furniture. But knowing I deserved better and that he was a lying sack of ****, helped make starting over easier.
> 
> Do you have any women shelters in your area? Like a YWCA? Most of these places are set up to help you get on your feet, while offering you a safe place to stay. Since he's the breadwinner you should be able to get alimony and child support. You won't regret leaving someone who hurts you. *Do you have daughters? Think of them being in the same situation as you. Would you want a man talking to them the way he talks to you? Your children witness these things whether you are aware of it or not. I didnt want my daughter to think staying with a man who mentally/verbally abuses and cheats on her mom, as being an acceptable relationship behavior. So that also helped the situation. *
> Go on the Internet, google divorce in your state. Find your states website and look at divorce fees being waived. Also, women's shelters can offer help for divorce. I hope I have been somewhat helpful. The best thing for you, is to realize you deserve to be happy. Even if it seems impossible, just remember its the right decision. Feel free to PM anytime you need for additional support through this...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So true.... whether you have daughters or sons. I have sons and i couldnt bare it if they grew up to treat women this way or allow a woman to treat them in this manner. It really just depends on which parent they most identify with. You are the example of acceptable behavior...like it or not..this is the role model you exhibit...good or bad....they will follow...


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## Lavender&Lace (Oct 7, 2011)

I do have daugthers. Three daughters and one son. And I fear them growing up and thinking that this type of behavior is acceptable. I think that is why I'm here where I am now. My dad was an awful tyrant towards my mom and I even saw him hit her a few times. They are still together. Her sisters, my aunts went through marriages not nearly half as bad and they were able to leave and move on and bounce back. My sister was able to leave a bad marriage and move on. I fear that I'm weak like my mother. Or too damned lazy to do better. I'm not getting any younger so I'd better sort myself out quick.

God it would KILL me to have my girls have a man control and dominate them like this...its just...well...I don't even want to think about it. I need to get on with it because I'm just wasting time.

First order of business is to find a decent job that can at least pay rent and buy food. I guess that's priority number one.

Thank you everyone for providing encouragement and support. I just need a sounding board and help and advice because in real life I don't feel comfortable going to anyone with my problems especially since I've been told a million times what to do...and yet here I am still. I want to have made some progress before I spring on everyone that I'm leaving...because they've heard it all before. Ideally, I would have already left and set up before anyone outside this home knows what's going on.

Please if you pray, please keep me in your prayers that I am strong enough to stick with what I need to do. And that I can find a good job. Thank you.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

Lavender&Lace said:


> I do have daugthers. Three daughters and one son. And I fear them growing up and thinking that this type of behavior is acceptable. I think that is why I'm here where I am now. My dad was an awful tyrant towards my mom and I even saw him hit her a few times. They are still together. Her sisters, my aunts went through marriages not nearly half as bad and they were able to leave and move on and bounce back. My sister was able to leave a bad marriage and move on.* I fear that I'm weak like my mother. Or too damned lazy to do better. I'm not getting any younger so I'd better sort myself out quick.*
> God it would KILL me to have my girls have a man control and dominate them like this...its just...well...I don't even want to think about it. I need to get on with it because I'm just wasting time.
> 
> First order of business is to find a decent job that can at least pay rent and buy food. I guess that's priority number one.
> ...


The first comment i bolded are his words that you have wrongly accepted as part of yourself because you are suseptible (bad spelling) due to your own history with your parents and your husband keeps grinding this feeling into you over and over again.

The second part I've bolded....you may be right. Others have tried to talk to you and you werent ready to listen so people may not take you seriously now until they see the steps you have taken on your own because they have given up. We all learn in our own time and in our own way. Thats ok.

You have my prayers and good wishes...


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Lavender&Lace said:


> I have signed up with a temp agency and scored decently on the Micorosoft programs, I HOPE that an opportunity comes through...Also, I'm applying for any and everything I see.
> 
> My husband only has about $3500 saved up but I can't access it. I did contribute to it and I know that I'm entitled to half. It's just he gets so wound up and extremely verbally abusive around the whole money thing. I'm literally afraid to ask for it, due to whatever repurcussions that might incur. Even it I got half and paid down on an apartment, then what? My kids would be devestated...I know separations happen everyday, but I am so paralyzed by the whole "what if" ...
> 
> ...


 Keep looking for work... You won't be able to support yourself or you children with no income. Her staying is NOT selfish, until she finds work.. She has children she has to think about first.


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