# Is HIS fetish ruining our marriage? (LONG)



## GiLy (Jan 4, 2016)

First post here. Just looking for advice, or similar situations, or pretty much anything. 7 billion people on the planet, and I feel I'm the only one in a situation like this.

My husband and I have been married for 5 years, together for 7. Very early in our relationship he disclosed his "shoe/boot fetish" to me. One of the first things I thought of was that I finally found someone that wasn't so vanilla in the bedroom....I was wrong.

He told me what he liked and wanted. Things like trampling, kissing, licking my boots, tied up, gagged etc etc. I did all these things for him ranging anywhere from 1-8 hour sessions. When we would be finished, he would thank me, go to the bathroom, masturbate, and that was it. I thought maybe one day he would use all his pented up sexual energy and take it out on me as a "thank you". Nope. Wrong again.

We had a sexless marriage for 2 years. I tried to talk to him about it. Told him how I felt. He only told me I was beautiful if I had boots on. Only wanted to touch me if I had boots on. He told me he doesn't find the female body attractive. He doesn't like traditional sexual acts. Even if I had boots on or he was tied up or anything. 

Fast forward to more non existant sex. Eventually I stopped "pleasing" him as he wanted. It's a 2 way street. He would continue to ask, watch videos, I'm sure he talked to women, but I have no proof and he swears he doesn't.

A few months ago he asked if he could see a professional "domme". I dwelled on the idea, but eventually told him, he could see one, as long as I was aware of when/where/what, and he had to wait until he could save money for it as it's not cheap. He didn't really bring it up again. Until a couple weeks ago.....

I was away on holidays visiting my family for Christmas. One evening I tried calling, and texting and calling and couldn't get a hold of him. For 3 hours. Where was he? Star Wars maybe? I kept calling and calling. still nothing. I almost called his parents, as now, I"m worried. I finally get a hold of him. He doesn't sound his normal self. I asked him WTF he has been doing for 3 hours that he couldn't answer his phone or a txt. He tells me he was out with a friend. BS. He eventually tells me he saw a professional. Because I said he could. I gave him one condition about seeing a professional. I was to be aware and know of everything that was going to happen. He couldn't even do that. Now, I'm upset. He doesn't see anything wrong with it. He told me they were in a hotel. I asked him what would have happened if something went wrong. Not a single soul knew where he was and what he was doing. I told him we could discuss it face to face when I am home.

We have been talking about it. He says he does not want to stop. He wants to continue seeing her. I told him I would do anything and everything he wants if he would just stop seeing her. He says it's different with her. I told him it was cheating. He doesn't seem to think so because there is no sex involved. I asked him how its different? If I went and had sex with someone else because I was seeking sexual gratification I wasn't getting at home, it's cheating because there's penetration? If he's going to do play sessions for sexual gratification he's not getting at home, it's the same thing. Is it not?

He has gone on to tell me that the thought of sexually touching me is a big turn off. The thought of penetration is a big turn off. Hell, he doesn't even want oral sex because he things it's gross? WTH!! He will lick the bottom of my boots after they've been outside, but a good ol BJ is gross? 

He has made an appointment for a referral for a sex/marriage therapist which I'm grateful for. I know he doesn't want a divorce, and neither do I. 

If you've made it all the way to the end of this, Congratulations, and Thank you. Any advice is welcomed. 

Thank you


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Mutually satisfying sex is a core part of marriage.

No mutually satisfying sex = no marriage.

If you have no kids, I would file for divorce and really think about why you went ahead with marriage after discovering this information.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I agree with Hicks. And yes, his fetish combined with a lack of "normal" sexual attraction has already ruined your marriage, and it's long past time to face the facts and move on.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

GiLy said:


> He has made an appointment for a referral for a sex/marriage therapist which I'm grateful for. I know he doesn't want a divorce, and neither do I.


Name THREE SPECIFIC things you LOVE about this man...

Can you?!? 

He finds you repulsive sexually and treats you as nothing more than a fetish doll. He wants your boots not the person wearing them.

Is this what you dreamed about marrying? He's mentally ill and I question your sanity if you stay. 

MOVE ON!


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

Wow.

That's not a 'fetish'. That's some kind of freakish obsession. 

How have you put up with this, combined with no sexual life for yourself, all this time?

DIVORCE!!!!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Please do not hesitate. File.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Wow, you sure picked a winner. I have an idea, get some steel-toed boots, and give him a dreamy kick to his nuts. He'll love it.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Hope Shimmers said:


> Wow.
> 
> That's not a 'fetish'. That's some kind of freakish obsession.
> 
> ...


Actually, what she has described is a classic definition of a fetish. An outside stimulus that is required for sexual release. And yes a real fetish is a freakish obsession.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Young at Heart said:


> Actually, what she has described is a classic definition of a fetish. An outside stimulus that is required for sexual release. And yes a real fetish is a freakish obsession.


Yes, but most people with fetishes actually have sex with their partners. This is a married couple who, apparently, haven't had sex in years, if ever.

I don't know what "marriage" OP is trying to save. Hell, if the marriage is unconsummated with actual intercourse, she may be able to have it annulled and be legally considered to never have been married, at all.

Why would you go back to being this man's unpaid amateur Domme when you can leave him to the pro he found, file for divorce, and go find a man who wants to have your flavor of hot, kinky, sex? 

Therapy will not help him. At best, he can learn to perform sometimes. He isn't attracted to the female form and he thinks penetration and oral are "gross". He's never going to WANT to have sex with you.

You and your legal husband seem to have been friends the entire time, anyways. Why not just go on being friends after the divorce? That way you can at least be free to find a proper mate.

Why stay in a sham of a marriage with a man who literally finds your body and sexuality repulsive? Have you never had a relationship with a decent man who also had a healthy sex drive, some skill as a lover, and was attracted to you? Why have you been willing to waste 7 years of your life on a sexless relationship? 

Do you want children in the future? If so, you do know how they're made, right?


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

MJJEAN said:


> Yes, but most people with fetishes actually have sex with their partners.


Exactly!!!!!


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

GiLy said:


> ...My husband and I have been married for 5 years, together for 7. *Very early in our relationship he disclosed his "shoe/boot fetish" to me*. One of the first things I thought of was that I finally found someone that wasn't so vanilla in the bedroom....I was wrong.
> 
> He told me what he liked and wanted. Things like trampling, kissing, licking my boots, tied up, gagged etc etc. *I did all these things for him ranging anywhere from 1-8 hour sessions.* When we would be finished, he would thank me, go to the bathroom, masturbate, and that was it. I thought maybe one day he would use all his pented up sexual energy and take it out on me as a "thank you". Nope. Wrong again.
> 
> ...


OK, your husband has a true, classic foot/boot fetish. I am sure that the sex therapist will be thrilled to talk to him. 

I am sure you know by now that when he told you he had such a fetish and that you did the things that he liked, the two of you bonded and he thought he had found the woman of his dreams. Then when you decided enough was enough and want to change him, things got less dreamy. He probably felt like a bait and switch was going on, when from your perspective you just got tired of the one-sided sex.

You should also have not given him permission to see a dom. Yes it is cheating in a very real sense, There are both emotional and physical affairs. This probably has a little of both and financially it is not good for your marriage where large chunks of it will go for his amusement. You will be left dry financially and sexually, while he plays. Yes you laid out conditions, but you still said it was basically OK. What he did in not living with your conditions/boundaries was not good, but he did it and you have to figure out what to do.

Finally telling him you will do any fetish thing he wants if he doesn't see the dom, is probably driving him to her arms. 

The good news is that he is going to a sex therapist. I would suggest that you also go with him and use this as an opportunity to figure out what if anything can be done to save your marriage that you and he seem to want to save.

You need to understand that you really can't change your husband and that he let you know early on that he had a foot/boot fetish. You have changed and it is that change in your willingness to meet his needs that has caused the problem.

Be honest with him and tell your H that you have changed and that your change means that for you to be happy, you hope he can change himself so that the two of you can both find happiness. If he agrees you can work with the sex therapist on finding things you both will enjoy and then figure out how to condition each other (think BF Skinner of Pavlov and his dogs) into learned behaviors that provide each of you with some degree of sexual satisfaction.

Your H was a jerk to cheat on you. He was also a jerk to not meet your sexual needs. You also seemed thrilled to have a non-vanilla sexual partner and ignored your needs to meet his.. Now you know the downside.

Good luck. If you have a good sex therapist, they should be able to help the two of you. If the two of you with the assistance of the ST can find things that satisfy both of you, then you should probably get a divorce, but until then, there is hope and good chance at reconciliation. If the Sex Therapist seems to be struggling, as them for a recommendation with another Sex Therapist who has foot fetish expert knowledge and experience.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

MJJEAN said:


> Yes, but most people with fetishes actually have sex with their partners. This is a married couple who, apparently, haven't had sex in years, if ever.......


Probably should address most of you other points to the OP.

The guy What is OBJECT FETISH? definition of OBJECT FETISH (Psychology Dictionary)

The "husband" has an object fetish. 

Her description of his arousal and masturbation and not being interested in the female body, thinking penetration is gross, etc. are pretty classic descriptions of a person with a significant fetish (using the real scientific definition). 

His fetish means he is sexually aroused with the object (boots,shoes, etc and not the person wearing them). If is healthy? Not really. Is it the basis of a strong marriage? Nope. Is it unheard of? NO it is not unheard of. Does he appreciate the person who puts on the shoes and models them for him? Yes, Could he view it as "love?" Quite possibly. 

Still she posted she doesn't want divorce and she thinks he doesn't want divorce. This had been a satisfactory relationship for her up until a while back. Marriage is a choice that two people get to make and what they do behind closed doors together or don't do, is between them. At least in my book.

Their marriage has a problem that they may not be able to work through and if so, the marriage will likely not survive, but if they both want to save it, then I wish them all the best of luck.


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## Oldmatelot (Mar 28, 2011)

Married but Happy said:


> I agree with Hicks. And yes, his fetish combined with a lack of "normal" sexual attraction has already ruined your marriage, and it's long past time to face the facts and move on.



Honestly I'm surprised you stuck it this long. 
Move on. All will be well given time. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

I agree with others above, this is beyond just a fetish, it is an OCD behavior combined with outright selfishness. 

Most folks with a fetish have a particular topic imprinted upon their sexuality that will always be "extra" arousing, but still function normally with regards to all other things sexual. 

Badsanta


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

badsanta said:


> I agree with others above, this is beyond just a fetish, it is an OCD behavior combined with outright selfishness.
> Badsanta


I guess an arts and sciences education has damaged me profoundly. 

What is being described is what was taught in college as a classic "object fetish." Today people use the word fetish incorrectly to mean preference, kink, or liking. A real fetish is, as you say, a compulsive requirements. 

Fetish | Definition of Fetish by Merriam-Webster



> Full Definition of fetish
> 
> 1
> a : an object (as a small stone carving of an animal) believed to have magical power to protect or aid its owner; broadly : a material object regarded with superstitious or extravagant trust or reverence
> ...


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Young at Heart said:


> I guess an arts and sciences education has damaged me profoundly.
> 
> What is being described is what was taught in college as a classic "object fetish." Today people use the word fetish incorrectly to mean preference, kink, or liking. A real fetish is, as you say, a compulsive requirements.
> 
> Fetish | Definition of Fetish by Merriam-Webster


Put it under a spotlight for long enough and eventually you will see a sliding scale. This sliding scale will likely include other behavioral traits (not necessarily sexually related issues) that drastically exacerbate those at the end of the bell curve with an object related paraphilia. 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shoe_fetishism

"*Prevalence*
In order to determine the relative prevalences of different types of fetishes, scientists obtained a sample of at least 5000 individuals worldwide from 381 Internet discussion groups. The relative prevalences were estimated based on (a) the number of groups devoted to a particular fetish, (b) the number of individuals participating in the groups and (c) the number of messages exchanged. Using these measures, feet and shoes were found to be the most common target of preferences. This is consistent with an analysis of millions of search queries by users from the USA that were accidentally released during the AOL search data scandal.[6][unreliable source?] *Sixty-four (64) percent of the sampled population that had a preference for an object associated with the body had a preference for shoes, boots, and other footwear.[7][8]*"

In other words over HALF (64% to be statistically correct) of those with a fetish have an object based shoe fetish. I admit, I like sexy shoes too!

Don't you?

Badsanta


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

And I thought I was weird for liking Mrs.CuddleBugs feet.

I tell her I like them because of how soft they feel and how she moves them, arch them, etc.

Oiled foot jobs would drive me crazy too.:grin2:

But that's it as far as my fetishes go.

Haven't explored further.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

badsanta said:


> .... *Sixty-four (64) percent of the sampled population that had a preference for an object associated with the body had a preference for shoes, boots, and other footwear.[7][8]*"
> 
> In other words over HALF (64% to be statistically correct) of those with a *fetish* have an object based *shoe fetish*. I admit, I like sexy shoes too!
> 
> ...


I like to look at women in boots. I find that a woman in nylons and garter belt looks pretty hot. 

But it is not a fetish, it is a preference. I don't require either to get and maintain an erection. 

I also have satisfying sex with my wife who really isn't into wearing either to bed, but who has a nice collection of shoes and enjoys going out for a nice pedicure.

Do do have have likes? Yes. I like my presents gift wrapped at times, but I don't have a fetish.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

CuddleBug said:


> But that's it as far as my fetishes go.
> Haven't explored further.












I'm willing to think you take it a bit further when you are alone?










Badsanta


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Young at Heart said:


> I don't have a fetish.


OMG, you sir are in denial! 

You were attracted to this thread BECAUSE you have a classic object fetish for shoes, but you are trying to convince yourself that you are perfectly OK and that you do NOT have a fetish! Otherwise you would be like the husband of the OP...

*OMG, OMG, OMG, I am in denial too!!!!!*

_
(sound of badsanta running away from this thread screaming like a girl)_


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

badsanta said:


> I'm willing to think you take it a bit further when you are alone?
> 
> 
> 
> ...



LOL.

:grin2::laugh::grin2::laugh::grin2::laugh:


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## skittlesburst (Jan 5, 2016)

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Its great that he seems like he wants to save your marriage but I don't see how you could continue with him and actually be happy.

Maybe I should take my own advice because a fetish is about to ruin my marriage. Whatever you decide, I hope you can find happiness because you deserve it.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Young at Heart said:


> What is being described is what was taught in college as a classic "object fetish." Today people use the word fetish incorrectly to mean preference, kink, or liking. A real fetish is, as you say, a compulsive requirements.


You're absolutely right.

"Fetish" is one of those words like "vegetable" There's a culinary definition of a vegetable and there's a more precise biological definition as well

Similarly, there's an informal definition of a fetish and there's a clinical definition as well. 

A fetish (According the the DSM-IV-TR, the DSM-V, the ICD10 and every other authoritative source out there) is debilitating. It is a mental disorder that reduces the scope of a person's sexual response down to an extremely narrow and very often selfish range. 

There is not much the OP can do (Besides leave) because these conditions are not usually curable.


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## GiLy (Jan 4, 2016)

Thanks everyone for all your replies. It's been quite the roller coaster. I'm mentally exhausted. We have our first appointment with a therapist tomorrow afternoon. 

I will update. Also? A little bit of info. We do in fact have a 3 year old son. Crazy right! Having kids was extremely important to me. We almost didn't get married because he wasn't sure if he wanted kids. RED FLAG MUCH? Anyway we decided we would start to try for a baby. For 6 months I tracked cycles, learned my body and be so aware how my body worked I could pinpoint ovulation to the minute. I had to tie him up and gag him. I got pregnant that one time. So now it's more complicated. We have a child.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

GiLy said:


> It's been quite the roller coaster. I'm mentally exhausted. We do in fact have a 3 year old son. Crazy right!


...wait a minute. So you husband has a shoe/dominatrix fetish and wants to have his needs met outside the marriage because it disturbs you, but yet when you wanted to get pregnant you tied him up and gagged him? 

You guys are starting to sound like the typical ol’ married couple if you ask me. Not crazy at all, as all this is starting to sound run of the mill if you ask me. 

Nothing to see here folks, just two perfectly normal married people with the usual squabble! Move along, move along!

Regards, 
Badsanta


PS: Did you nickname your kid "Little Boots Jr" by any chance?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

GiLy said:


> Thanks everyone for all your replies. It's been quite the roller coaster. I'm mentally exhausted. We have our first appointment with a therapist tomorrow afternoon.
> 
> I will update. Also? A little bit of info. We do in fact have a 3 year old son. Crazy right! Having kids was extremely important to me. We almost didn't get married because he wasn't sure if he wanted kids. RED FLAG MUCH? Anyway we decided we would start to try for a baby. For 6 months I tracked cycles, learned my body and be so aware how my body worked I could pinpoint ovulation to the minute. I had to tie him up and gag him. I got pregnant that one time. So now it's more complicated. We have a child.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not that much more complicated at all. Your child is young and will adjust just fine as long as you and your H behave in a courteous and civil manner during and after a divorce.

What would concern me as a mother is the example of romantic relationships and marriage I was setting for my child. I wouldn't want to stay in an unhappy marriage and have my kid grow up thinking that is how it's supposed to be.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

MJJEAN said:


> Not that much more complicated at all. Your child is young and will adjust just fine as long as you and your H behave in a courteous and civil manner during and after a divorce.
> 
> What would concern me as a mother is the example of romantic relationships and marriage I was setting for my child. I wouldn't want to stay in an unhappy marriage and have my kid grow up thinking that is how it's supposed to be.


*But @MJJEAN they are going together to a therapist tomorrow!

As a child I think it is WAY MORE important to witness parents that struggle but yet find a way to work through their problems. *

If I can ask you MJJEAN?... what do you think the probability is that after a divorce that the father would become depressed, and try to sooth his pain with his professional dominatrix until he goes broke. Meanwhile the mother will want a second child to soothe her pain, even if she needs to tie somebody up and gag them to make it happen! ...OMG that would be heartbreaking. Even a blind person would be able to see how this one will eventually work itself out naturally for both the mom and dad to stay together and be happy. 

Badsanta


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

The worse thing that you culd have done was agree to let him see a professional. Now he's addicted and doesn't want to stop. You should have told him that if he wants the marriage to continue he has to knock off all the crap and acting normal. Now I think all bets are off to getting a normal marriage back. The therapist will do you no good.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

badsanta said:


> *But @MJJEAN they are going together to a therapist tomorrow!
> 
> As a child I think it is WAY MORE important to witness parents that struggle but yet find a way to work through their problems. *
> 
> ...


Life throws enough suffering at us that we don't need to add more just so we can say we "worked it out" with someone we're not romantically compatible with. Comfortable misery has never been my style.

In the case of the OP, her husband has flat out stated that he does NOT find the female form sexually attractive and thinks penetrating a vagina is gross. He doesn't like to give or receive oral. He wants to be dominated and then to finish himself off. And he's said he prefers the pro over his own wife.

There isn't enough counseling in the world to fix this. It's just how he's wired.


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## MentalSteel (Jan 9, 2016)

GiLy said:


> First post here. Just looking for advice, or similar situations, or pretty much anything. 7 billion people on the planet, and I feel I'm the only one in a situation like this.
> 
> My husband and I have been married for 5 years, together for 7. Very early in our relationship he disclosed his "shoe/boot fetish" to me. One of the first things I thought of was that I finally found someone that wasn't so vanilla in the bedroom....I was wrong.
> 
> ...


OK....you definitely have a problem.

It's one thing for either a man or woman to have a specific fetish but when that fetish occupies all their sexual thoughts and leaves no room for their partners sexual gratification.....honestly after reading some of the issues here I feel like just smacking a few of these idiots upside the head and saying..."WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!???"

You have this wonderful and beautiful wife and you don't even care that you are tearing her heart to shreds!!!?? 

And on top of all the idiocy you have pulled she STILL LOVES YOU!!??

I can barely take reading this.

My advice you you sweety is this.....you need to SHOCK HIM AWAKE!

You need to put HIM in the same position he has placed you and shut him off of everything and anything and lay it on the line for him!!!

Plus make sure you don't cave in!!

Most women would NEVER have put up with not being satisfied for that long...NEVER!!

If you still love him tell him that he either works things out...and be careful because if this fetish has a strong grip on him he might just go to someone else....but YOU need to really think about what CHOICE you will give him.

I am a man but if I was you I would give him ONE CHANCE....and that''s IT!!!

You only have ONE LIFE!!!

Make sure you live your's....not someone elses.

MentalSteel


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