# I need to learn to keep my mouth shut!



## mrsbroken (Sep 23, 2009)

I think I may have pushed my husband more away from me. I found a number on his phone that I didn't know and I asked him about it and he said he didn't know then he said do u want me to call it to see who it is I already knew who the # belong to because I looked it up so he called and he still said he didn't know who it was. He was mad that I asked and said he was tried of me checking his accounts he hasn't done anything in 6mos which is true.Come to find out it was a boy that his car had broke down and asked to use the phone. I felt so bad but there was nothing I could do but say I was sorry he wanted to leave me last night because he said that I couldn't let it go that he wants to work on our marriage but hates I mistrust him. Asked why I have been writing love letters to him if I didn't trust him. I do love him but my mind want let me forget his EA. He said the worse he did was hug her maybe 2. Am scared am lossing him.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You need to stop apologizing for not trusting him. HE lost your trust. HE has to earn it back.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

turnera said:


> You need to stop apologizing for not trusting him. HE lost your trust. HE has to earn it back.


:iagree:

He needs to figure out how to reassure you and start earning your trust. He is the one who caused you to doubt.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

I so hear you. Exactly. 
Try NOT making any decisions. You don't have to decide to trust him today. you don't have to decide to be with him forever, today. You don't have to decide to question him today. I'm 18 months out and I could come up with something everyday that worries me. But I'm not forcing myself to make decisions. You don't have to decide that you trust him and move forward, today. Just be. Just take it day by day. This is really tough stuff. I'm sorry.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I guess I've gotten to a point where I rarely try to check up on my wife. Haven't looked at the phone bill for a month. We are separated, and although I don't trust her, I'm giving her enough rope to hang herself if that's what she chooses.

I understand you can feel both untrusting AND loving - and you have a right to not trust him.

But next time - if its just one phone call and everything else looks OK - don't jump to conclusions. Keep your eyes open, but don't accuse him or you will end up pushing him away.


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## mrsbroken (Sep 23, 2009)

What is werid I do want to trust him and I beleive him when he said he hasn't done anyhting in 6mos and want do anything. It's like sometimes am a different person I know am OCD on certain things and this may be one reason that I can't let the EA go. He says it ment nothing to him that it was a big mistake and he is having to live with it but it was only phone calls and maybe a hug he seems not to remember details when it comes to his little affair but he still remembers a e-mail that a guy wrote to me while we were just dating. I do love him with all my heart I just wish I could let this go. I guess am trying to keep a wall up so if it does happen again I want be so hurt. It's been 6mos shouldn't it start to fade by now.I don't want to loss him and I have been trying to show him how much he does mean to me. Our marriage in some ways is alot better than before now if I could just control my thoughts and not think about the fact he broke my trust I would be ok. Any ideas?


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

best advice is.......


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Start keeping a journal? Write things down and think it over before you confront/accuse him. After writing for a while, maybe you'll see a pattern - either of suspicious behavior on his part, or of your own imagination getting carried away over little hints that turn out to be nothing.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Journal is a great idea.

Great evidence, too, if you need it, lol.

What steps has he taken these 6 months to reassure you? Does he hand over his phone when he gets home? Does he go to counseling? Has he offered to take a polygraph? The wayward spouse should be willing to do such things. If not, you have a fair reason to worry.


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## mrsbroken (Sep 23, 2009)

yes hubby said he would take a polygraph and he wouldn't like it but he would go to counseling. I have passwords to all his accounts and he will give me his phone if I ask. He fusses that I check his accounts he says that I want find anything and that me keep checking and coming to the marriage forums just keeps it in my mind.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I've had that thought too - about visiting here and how it can keep you from moving on. It can give you a way to dwell on things - a way that feels healthy.

Even though you have his passwords and have seen no real sign of anything wrong for months, I think most of us know why you still feel the way you feel. But at some point you need to give him credit for the work he's done, and at least act like you trust him again.

We don't have a "trust" switch that can be turned on and off - but you may need to do some work on your part to keep from driving him away - especially if he really is making the effort to keep things open.


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## christmaslady (Dec 21, 2009)

It seems that that is what people do when they have an affair. They get defensive and make you feel like just because they finally told you about it or you found out about it, then it should be over; as long as they are ready to make it work (or so they say). What they fail to realize is they destroyed alot when they destroy trust from the one that loves them most...do not apologize for not trusting him. He needs to understand that you need time to heal from this and if that means you have to ask some not so comfortable questions sometimes, then that is what you need to do. And it is even better for him, when your suspicions or questions are answered to his benefit. It is not always spying, it is reassuring; at this point (at least a better sounding spin on things;0) ). My bf/fiance (whatever) does the same thing and we argue quite often about this. I often think the way you are right now, and he has told me that I am pushing him away...however, my response to him is that he walked away. He gave of himself to someone else, he gave my time and my trust to someone else....so I didn't push nor did I allow anyone to steal what I had for/with him...he gave it to her and now he needs to right the wrong. How you do it, i don't know, neither does he...and no, you can not make them relive it and/or pay the consequences for it for a lifetime (where does that put your life...stalemate and miserable)...but it is ok to not be fully trusting of someone that has hurt you so deeply etc.

I also love my bf/fiance but I also realize that the relationship in its current state is unhealthy. What I have done is implemented a journal where we can write our thoughts/feelings etc. in a non-aggressive way etc.; still seems to be working well (about a month now). Before that I did keep my own personal journal (which also got obsessive and burdensome) about his/us. It got obsessive because I realized I was watching for any sign of something odd that I would watch him so closely, that I would write down times/dates when his phone rang and who he said it was (if he told me) etc. and reference his phone bill later to see if that was accurate...but it was good because it showed me things in him and in myself that I would not have otherwise realized. I too wish he would just go away sometimes, and I often think that the things I have gone through are supposed to happen 20 years into a marriage, not now...but I have also realized that going into a marriage with a mentality like that, it is doomed to fail. I should not have to expect that of anyone that loves and respects me...nor should you. You should not have to worry about your walls just in case he does it again. He needs to make you feel good again, make you feel loved and secured, make you feel wanted and appreciated, make you feel confident that it will not happen again. And it is not about if it meant something or not, because it meant enough for him to not tell you (knowing it would hurt you)....

in regards to accounts...it has been my experience that they just secretly open different accounts (once they give you free reign of their accounts)...let him in, but do not give him total control of you, until you can believe (not because you want to believe but because u have just as much or more evidence to believe him as you did to not believe him before).

and FYI: 6 months? I confirmed the affair in June; which had been going on for @8 months prior...and I still have issues, it has not started to fade really...I have stopped searching his stuff etc. because I have come to grips with the fact that I was driving myself crazy and it was not worth it to me to lose myself in his destructive ways...I told him before and am reminded; if I need to check on a grown man in that way etc., I definitely do not need to be in a relationship with him....he would have total control over my every emotion and I would not even be able to trust him to do what's right. So I have determined, if I can not work through this in one way or another...if I revert back to searching his stuff that I need to leave it alone. It is true though to keep checking and/or reading old stuff and/or looking at old pictures etc. does just keep it fresh or you do tend to relive the moments of anger...it does take you back emotionally; try to break that habit if not for your marriage, for your own personal health. You don't realize how stressful that stuff is when you are in it, but when you step back, you can feel how much stress you attached to those things everyday (I was literally consumed with checking accounts etc.-everyday...at work, at home, in the car etc. as if I would miss something that he would hurry and delete if I was not on top of it every moment and if he deleted it, what could I rub in his face now?)...

Good luck. It takes time, and he needs to understand that..he needs to understand the hurt is not just surface hurt...it is like a crater in your heart. Try to remember that you are trying to work on things when you approach him, I found that a lot of our issues was in my presentation. Because I was angry, I projected that anger when I asked him of things and he would immediately get defensive...but it I could sit on it enough to regain my composure and then ask him...I gained much better results. and again, the journal, helps a lot because you don't have a time frame to respond, you can read it at your leisure, each of you can say what you need to say without interruption etc. a lot of benefits; no real problems with it yet.


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## christmaslady (Dec 21, 2009)

oh yeah and holding in your questions and concerns can work against you..because you will start to internalize the issues, start coming up with solutions to things that are not really problems and lashing out when you don't need to, because you have internalized so much that the slightest thing would set you off and he won't even know where it came from. I guess that is why this forum is so important to me...when I don't talk to him, I vent on here and at least get it out to someone...plus this often acts as my journal too....and I get feedback that lets me know when/if I am being unreasonable.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

turnera said:


> Journal is a great idea.
> 
> Great evidence, too, if you need it, lol.
> 
> What steps has he taken these 6 months to reassure you? Does he hand over his phone when he gets home? Does he go to counseling? Has he offered to take a polygraph? The wayward spouse should be willing to do such things. If not, you have a fair reason to worry.


That is quasi-psycho!!!!! Would this be happy? After a couple of conversations you move on....that doesn't mean you trust, but that doesn't mean you accuse and micro manage check everything is nuts, IMO.

I can't imagine anyone being close if that is what either party expected. If my wife wanted to read all of my emails, check all of my calls, everything on Facebook, fine but that would definitely push us apart not make us closer.

Like I always say I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!! Give them space protect your heart, but you have to move on.


Imagine using this technique with a teenager that used drugs once or twice. Drug test, polygraph tests, did you smoke weed?, where are you going?, You're not smoking weed are you?

How close do you think that relationship would be?

The bottom line is if a person wants to cheat they will........play nice on the outside and the inside will heal....good luck.

Christmaslady.....good post and good luck to you too.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

OhGeesh, have you been cheated on yet?


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

turnera said:


> OhGeesh, have you been cheated on yet?


I consider myself enlightened or a much better word is prepared for many things.....major health issues is not one of them btw.

A quick Readers Digest version is Yes I have, but not after 10+ years of marriage..... I would imagine the hurt would really suck!! I have thought about it many times though. Why? Because I always think about stuff like that tragedy, hardship, breads gratitude, and going to a 3rd world country will change your perspective a lot!! In general these things and many others make you grateful for what you have while you have it. 

While my wife and I were young 16-22 and had a child we both were "idiots" she slept around I slept around alot..... multiple partners etc etc. We both think part of the reason that our marriage is as strong as it is now is because we were "idiots" not that I recommend it. We tried the grass on the other side many times.........and while we were engaged we decided to get drunk together to take the edge off and confessed to each other every person we slept with.......it hurt good friends on both sides were partners lots of betrayed trust etc etc. So, now we know cheating is just a act of emotion a impulse with a very short period of enjoyment and a much longer period of guilt and pain.....with that being said I wouldn't want to know if she did. Our marriage is extremely awesome and I would rather have my utopia stay that way than her confess sleeping with somone even a couple of times.

Back to my well prepared statement..........I protect my heart a fair amount. Lost my parents at 20, grandparents at 22, only other close relative at 28, I routinely spend time imagining life alone, without my family, or my wife, what would that really be like. It makes me work harder to please my family while they are with me and it also makes me think of what could happen as life is full of surprises. I read constantly about everything non-fiction politics, psycho-babble, anthropology, single parenting, divorce, infidelity, abuse, drug abuse, society, besides my common hobby reading etc etc. I try to understand this crazy world we live in.

Because my life was very hard in the beginning I always try my hardest to prepare for catastrophe emotional and financial.......of course I don't want either, but KNOW I would be okay. I don't know how well I would handle terminal illness though.....I still struggle with that.

The middle part of the book is I was involved in a very legalistic works based church for 6 years and lived the "sold out" life. Counseling, humility, sacrifice, leading, compassion, forgiveness, relatability, openess, were carved into my brain as was legalism, judgement, and criticalness....unfortunately!!!:-( took many years to get those last few out..........While I am grateful for the experience the end result of being involved in a cult or cultish organization hurt very bad...I'll say worse than anything else since my parents death. Even though our beliefs are much more streamlined I believe our belief in God is another paramount piece of our marriage.....I don't want to belittle that aspect and make it sound like it's all (ME) because it isn't. I don't want to come across as pompous either because that isn't my heart or intent, but it takes work alot of sacrifice of wanting your spouse to be happy to make marriages work....and ultimately it is a team effort. You can only fight so long by yourself trying to sway your spouse before your options are limited.

In the end there has to be some normalcy, tons of communication, tons of sacrifice, and IMO the micro managing prevents normalcy and it breeds doubt in the victim and fosters guilt in the accused, my advice is act more or less normal and guard your heart as you try to heal and move forward and COMMUNICATE!!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Your situation is unique in that BOTH of you cheated and had no problem with it - and you UNIVERSALLY decided to protect each other. The people here don't have that. They have one partner who thinks he's smarter, more deserving, sneakier, whatever, and they have the RIGHT to cheat and lie, or are DESTINED to be with this other person...

These people will not protect your heart.


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