# Do You Think The Past Matters In A Relationship?



## datingopinionz

Do You Think The Past Matters In A Relationship? Is it ok for your husband or boyfriend to have secrets about things that has happened prior to your relationship?


----------



## Stonewall

As far as I'm concerned she doesn't have to tell me anything prior to us.


----------



## PBear

Some people THINK they want to know the truth about a partner's past. But they're not really. It would depend on what kind of secrets you're talking about, though... I cheated in my marriage, and I expect that's something will have to be disclosed in any future relationship, even if it means risking the relationship. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ScaredandUnsure

His past is his business. As long as it doesn't hurt me (if he had an std I wasn't aware of would be something I'd want to know, for my safety) But I don't need to know how many partners he had before me or what they did.


----------



## southbound

PBear said:


> Some people THINK they want to know the truth about a partner's past. But they're not really. It would depend on what kind of secrets you're talking about, though... I cheated in my marriage, and I expect that's something will have to be disclosed in any future relationship, even if it means risking the relationship.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree; it depends on the secret. I believe there is a saying that the best predictor of the future is the past. If I met a nice, sweet lady and discovered she been on drugs and killed her last husband, yes, it could make a difference. I'm being a bit extreme, but I suppose everyone gets the point.

To not know major things about a person's past would just be too weird to me.


----------



## PaGuy

datingopinionz said:


> Do You Think The Past Matters In A Relationship? Is it ok for your husband or boyfriend to have secrets about things that has happened prior to your relationship?


I think some things should be disclosed, although some things are better left unsaid


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Stonewall said:


> As far as I'm concerned she doesn't have to tell me anything prior to us.


FINALLY, a statement where my husband is different than you Stonewall !! 

Nope, me & mine appreciate the learning of the little things , the big things, the BAD, even the insignificant - not because we "demand" it, just because if one asks, we wouldn't want silenced, put off, told it is none of our business ,or not something we need to worry about. 

Neither one of us are the judgemental type, we understand people make mistakes, screw up, human nature is sometimes weak.... I even see this subject as an outward sign of "vulnerability"....which is GOOD for future marraiges.... If there were some BAD things, embarrasing, even criminal ...... the learning of those mistakes, lessons -how one overcame, the talking of regrets, growing from them......and the willingness to openly share them is ...something very very valuable..... IT even speaks of someone's character (in my opinion) -to be able to go there. (I am talking once a couple is very serious -thinking of marraige )

I understand others are NOT like this, but for me, it would seriously be a DEAL BREAKER....if a man was unwilling or gave me "attitude" for asking.....it'd be ...."another one bites the dust" - he is not the man for me! 

My husband would not count it a "deal breaker", but he has told me I am "one in a million" cause of my openness which he appreciates tremendously....not that my life was so very exciting- that would be a laugh...but the willingness to allow him into my whole world. 

We both feel the past can play a part in who we are today, if we have unresolved baggage....such events can help shape & mold us along the way, our attitudes, our beliefs.... whether that be for the good or the bad. I was rather angry when we met, it helped him to know the WHY's behind my attitude....

Like if you come across an old photo album at his/her parents house, to sit, Reminisce, allow the other in ..sharing those old memories... the stories BEHIND the photos ..... That builds even more of a connection, to be able to take our lover down that path with us. 

This by no way means that a relationship can't be wonderful without this level of openess, but I do strongly feel ...You need to be on the same page with it. Or it CAN cause problems down the line.


----------



## Stryker

Animals dont ask each other , their past or whom they had the stints with...they are carefree and without any such need of enquiries...

But Humans are emotional , and on conscience of mind heart ....


----------



## janesmith

datingopinionz said:


> Do You Think The Past Matters In A Relationship? Is it ok for your husband or boyfriend to have secrets about things that has happened prior to your relationship?


the past only matters as much as it is affecting the present and the future. And no, you dont have a right know everything that has happened prior to you


----------



## Mavash.

I think the past is what makes us who we are TODAY so yes I want to know about it. Do I need to know every little insignificant detail? No.

Disclaimer: I got married young and yes I wanted to know how many partners he'd had. Not details just a number. I didn't want to marry a pick up artist.


----------



## Thor

I think a person has the right to honest answers to questions, and to open disclosure by the other person of anything possibly relevant.

If you don't feel any need or desire to know about something, you don't have to ask. For example, how many people the other person has had sex with. If you don't care, don't ask.

But if you ask, you deserve a 100% openly honest answer. If the other person does not want to be openly honest, they have the right to say they do not want to answer. You can then decide if this is enough to call off the relationship. The other person does not have the right to lie to you for any reason.

If there is something important in their past, it should be fully disclosed to you so that you can make an informed decision. This disclosure should be made without you asking, because you cannot possibly think of every thing to ask about. Many things may be culturally or religiously based, such as virginity or substance use. In addition they should reveal anything which reflects on who the person is. For example criminal arrests or bankruptcy or infidelity in previous relationships. Things which might affect you should be revealed, such as children from a previous relationship, criminal history, significant family situations, etc. Any history of sexual or violent abuse or assault should be fully disclosed whether or not the person feels any current affects from the abuse/assault.

Privacy is ok, but not secrecy. You have the right to make a fully informed decision about whether to continue a relationship.


----------



## Thor

*Dean* said:


> The lady is in a difficult spot. She doesn't want to lie but she knows it will bother him.
> Hurt the relationship. It's a no win for her.


The reason I disagree with you is twofold. First, she is who she is. Her past is a fact. It does reflect who he is marrying. He has a right to know. If there is something embarrassing (or worse), she can explain the circumstances to him. He has the right to make _his_ decision, whether or not she likes the decision and whether or not anybody else would think it a reasonable decision.

Secondly, in the future the truth is likely to come out. The lie will be worse than the truth. Then the trust will be destroyed. If the truth is something he cannot live with now, it is better to get to rejection now. Actions have consequences, and if something she did in the past comes back to bite her now, that is a consequence of her choices. She does not have the right to deceive her fiance in order to protect herself.


----------



## lascarx

The answer should be simple.

Both partners have the right to know anything they want.

And both partners have the right to refuse to say.

Where the two conflict, there's either compromise or no relationship.

The fallacies are in trying to attach rules that should be applicable to all, and in saying that one attitude is healthy and the other isn't. It's something between the two partners as individuals with their own individual concerns and experiences.

I never paid much mind to my wife's past, but I most likely should have. If there's a next time for me, you can bet that I'm going digging.


----------



## ScaredandUnsure

Thor said:


> The reason I disagree with you is twofold. First, she is who she is. Her past is a fact. It does reflect who he is marrying. He has a right to know. If there is something embarrassing (or worse), she can explain the circumstances to him. He has the right to make _his_ decision, whether or not she likes the decision and whether or not anybody else would think it a reasonable decision.
> 
> Secondly, in the future the truth is likely to come out. The lie will be worse than the truth. Then the trust will be destroyed. If the truth is something he cannot live with now, it is better to get to rejection now. Actions have consequences, and if something she did in the past comes back to bite her now, that is a consequence of her choices. She does not have the right to deceive her fiance in order to protect herself.


I'm confused on what good would it do for anyone to know how many partners their S/O had in the past? If the person had 10 partners 25 years ago, why does it matter? It's not like someone can jump into a time machine and go back to undo it. Why penalize someone for something they did years before their current partner even met them. Unless these people have children previously or uncurable STD's, that is different.

But whatever works for other people, but that wouldn't settle well for me, the whole "well I better behave myself and not have any sexual partners because someone 20 years from now MIGHT have an issue with it".


----------



## lascarx

ScaredandUnsure said:


> I'm confused on what good would it do for anyone to know how many partners their S/O had in the past? If the person had 10 partners 25 years ago, why does it matter?


Because it does to some people. Why do you care why it matters to them? Different people come from different backgrounds and they'll carry differing influences into later life. This one, as things go, is pretty harmless.


----------



## ScaredandUnsure

lascarx said:


> Because it does to some people. Why do you care why it matters to them? Different people come from different backgrounds and they'll carry differing influences into later life. This one, as things go, is pretty harmless.


Because I was just curious. Why do you care why I care? Did I say I cared? I don't, it was a curiosity question for someone who is different than I am.


----------



## lascarx

ScaredandUnsure said:


> Because I was just curious. Why do you care why I care? Did I say I cared? I don't, it was a curiosity question for someone who is different than I am.


It seemed to bug you that anyone would care. No skin off my back either way.


----------



## ScaredandUnsure

lascarx said:


> It seemed to bug you that anyone would care. No skin off my back either way.


Nope, I don't care what other people do. Doesn't effect my life in the least what people here do with their own lives.


----------



## CLucas976

I don't think the past itself matters so much to me, as the openness about it does.

I am an open book. If you ask me a question about my past, you WILL get an answer whether you're going to like it or not is not my problem. 

If someone is avoiding discussions about their past, refuses to answer questions or never ever seems to have anything to say about it what so ever, then something doesn't sit right with me.

Everyone has some baggage, and everyone has done something not so wonderful, but hiding it is where it poses a problem more so than whatever "it" actually might be.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

CLucas976 said:


> I don't think the past itself matters so much to me, as the openness about it does.


My posts are always long winded, but in a nut shell, this is exactly how I feel. These things are terribly important to me personally.


----------



## Stonewall

SimplyAmorous said:


> FINALLY, a statement where my husband is different than you Stonewall !!
> 
> Nope, me & mine appreciate the learning of the little things , the big things, the BAD, even the insignificant - not because we "demand" it, just because if one asks, we wouldn't want silenced, put off, told it is none of our business ,or not something we need to worry about.
> 
> Neither one of us are the judgemental type, we understand people make mistakes, screw up, human nature is sometimes weak.... I even see this subject as an outward sign of "vulnerability"....which is GOOD for future marraiges.... If there were some BAD things, embarrasing, even criminal ...... the learning of those mistakes, lessons -how one overcame, the talking of regrets, growing from them......and the willingness to openly share them is ...something very very valuable..... IT even speaks of someone's character (in my opinion) -to be able to go there. (I am talking once a couple is very serious -thinking of marraige )
> 
> I understand others are NOT like this, but for me, it would seriously be a DEAL BREAKER....if a man was unwilling or gave me "attitude" for asking.....it'd be ...."another one bites the dust" - he is not the man for me!
> 
> My husband would not count it a "deal breaker", but he has told me I am "one in a million" cause of my openness which he appreciates tremendously....not that my life was so very exciting- that would be a laugh...but the willingness to allow him into my whole world.
> 
> We both feel the past can play a part in who we are today, if we have unresolved baggage....such events can help shape & mold us along the way, our attitudes, our beliefs.... whether that be for the good or the bad. I was rather angry when we met, it helped him to know the WHY's behind my attitude....
> 
> Like if you come across an old photo album at his/her parents house, to sit, Reminisce, allow the other in ..sharing those old memories... the stories BEHIND the photos ..... That builds even more of a connection, to be able to take our lover down that path with us.
> 
> This by no way means that a relationship can't be wonderful without this level of openess, but I do strongly feel ...You need to be on the same page with it. Or it CAN cause problems down the line.


Let me clarify what I meant. She has told me everything and I her as far as I know. But what I meant was If I asked her something about her past and she seemed reluctant; I would just forget about it and take the attitude that it must be a touchy subject for her. 

For instance I found out some years ago that she was sexually abused as a small girl and we were talking about it one day. She suddenly said can we not talk about this. that's when I decided that some times it is better to let sleeping dogs lie. 

I agree that our past is what makes us who we are but at the same time I don't want to make her uncomfortable.


----------



## ScaredandUnsure

I get so frustrated when I can't type what I mean. Rereading my posts, it does seem like I was irritated about it.

No, I don't think someone should lie about their past, but I don't think they should have to share in detail either. For example: I'm obviously not a virgin, I was married and have 4 children. My fiancee is obviously not a virgin, he was married and has 1 child. We have talked about things we've done in the past, but never have we went into detail. 

He knows I have had a few partners, I know he's had a few partners, I don't know what he did with them, nor does he know what I did with mine. We never went into how many (mine isn't an obscene amount, and I don't think his was either) the details of their bodies (names, breast size, penis size, how good or bad they where) We did discuss our first times. I guess for myself, that is the relevant information.

I don't think it helps anyone to know that Betty had a man 20 years before she met Jim who had a 12 inch penis and could last for an hour, what good does that do Jim to know how big her past partners penis was? If she loves Jim, and she shared with Jim that she wasn't a virgin, she has a past.

I've known a lot of guys and gals who've gotten bent out of shape over the fact that they did press for details and they didn't like what they heard. So yes, while secrets are bad (like not being honest about your past) privacy is okay (being intimate with someone at a time before you ever met your S/O and not having to share the details of that partners body, or the intimacy you shared with them).


----------



## sisters359

No. I take time getting to know people for who they are now--and that is what is important about the past: how someone has used it to become the person they are now. 

Someone wrote that they want to know number of past partners b/c they didn't want to marry a pick up artist--but the way I see it, # of partners tells you very little about who they are now. Someone who struck out a lot in the past could have perfected his/her technique and be on their way to breaking a personal record; someone who played that game when young may have outgrown it. 

1-2 years getting to know someone is so much better than anything they tell you. And if it's fun, who cares about the passing of time?


----------



## Thor

ScaredandUnsure said:


> I'm confused on what good would it do for anyone to know how many partners their S/O had in the past? If the person had 10 partners 25 years ago, why does it matter? It's not like someone can jump into a time machine and go back to undo it. *Why penalize someone for something they did* years before their current partner even met them. Unless these people have children previously or uncurable STD's, that is different.


I don't think of it as penalizing someone for what they did, rather it is owning up to what they did. 

It still remains that some things are deal breakers for some people. Perhaps a young person would be turned away if their fiance had 10 partners in the past 2 years. That young person has the right to his/her values and to be turned away by the fiance's past.

That would be the consequence to having 10 partners in 2 years. At the time the choice was made to have sex with each of those partners a different choice could have been made, but wasn't.

History is fact, and it makes us suitable for some partners and not suitable for others. Lying and pretending to avoid consequences isn't going to end well.


----------



## Halien

Stonewall said:


> As far as I'm concerned she doesn't have to tell me anything prior to us.


Call me insecure, but I'd want to know if her past included gender change, acts of terrorism, axe murdering former husbands, espionage, 47 marriages, or satan worship.

Just kidding, obviously, but I think there are key differences in how we apply this to former loves of another person, for instance. If something bad happened to her, or if she had multiple lovers, these are the kinds of things that I wouldn't push her into revealing. However, integrity is a big deal, so if she ever cheated, or intentionally hurt people through deception, without a dramatic life change, it would be far easier to move on.


----------



## Stonewall

Halien said:


> Call me insecure, but I'd want to know if her past included gender change, acts of terrorism, axe murdering former husbands, espionage, 47 marriages, or satan worship.
> 
> Just kidding, obviously, but I think there are key differences in how we apply this to former loves of another person, for instance. If something bad happened to her, or if she had multiple lovers, these are the kinds of things that I wouldn't push her into revealing. However, integrity is a big deal, so if she ever cheated, or intentionally hurt people through deception, without a dramatic life change, it would be far easier to move on.



My situation is probably different than most. I married her at the tender age of 16. Been married for 35 years and with her exclusively for 37 years. That makes the nature of secrets a little less threatening.


----------



## Stryker

Call me insecure, but I'd want to know if her past included gender change, acts of terrorism, axe murdering former husbands, espionage, 47 marriages, or satan worship.

Just kidding, obviously, but I think there are key differences in how we apply this to former loves of another person, for instance. If something bad happened to her, or if she had multiple lovers, these are the kinds of things that I wouldn't push her into revealing. However, integrity is a big deal, so if she ever cheated, or intentionally hurt people through deception, without a dramatic life change, it would be far easier to move on.

--Whether kidding or otherwise..

Transparency and Mature Understanding with the Basis of Integrity...need to be maintained..The Past , I feel may be revealed without Fuss.


----------



## cloudwithleggs

I would want to know a little, past partners no, just basic details.

It is really what ever the other person wishes divulge. 

I never ever want to be involved with a passive aggressive again, but i think i'd spot it now anyway.

There is a new guy on the cards for me so this is relevant.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Stonewall said:


> Let me clarify what I meant. She has told me everything and I her as far as I know. But what I meant was If I asked her something about her past and she seemed reluctant; I would just forget about it and take the attitude that it must be a touchy subject for her.
> 
> For instance I found out some years ago that she was sexually abused as a small girl and we were talking about it one day. She suddenly said can we not talk about this. that's when I decided that some times it is better to let sleeping dogs lie.
> 
> I agree that our past is what makes us who we are but at the same time I don't want to make her uncomfortable.


Ok, my husband is still like you Stonewall .... He would never press if the woman was uncomfortable. Oh goodness no.

I wouldn't either...not under circumstances like that , that is just a whole different animal somehow. I wouldn't see this as a "hiding", more of a vulnerability thing.... that only time & yrs of trust could bring out ..... (I wonder if she ever did with you later on??) 

...I think the majority would not feel comfortable exposing all of that - if abuse or severe trauma was experienced in one's past. 

...Though I personally would desire ....hopefully, prayerfully...to see the day come where he'd feel enough Trust to go there, or forget me... deal with it within himself -enough to talk to someone about such things. Kind of a therapy angle in all that. I would have to make sure the "environment" on my end --was one of ongoing abounding TRUST , understanding of all things if/when he felt more comfortable. 

I am the type that is terribly intregued about psyche issues, I used to devour Serial killer books (yeah, not sure what that says about me !!??) just cause I am fasinated by the darker side of our natures, WHY people do what they do. So in that way, not too much would surprise me - any kind of messing up in someone's past or being hurt by another unfairly. 

But on the other side of that....I feel the MIND is so powerful, no matter what we have lived through- been handed unfairly in life .... I guess I feel there is HOPE for the overcoming of what binds us -if we want it bad enough, if we are courageous enough .... to never let our pasts define us. Although it may have shaped us, we can still overcome & live victoriously above it....these types even make the best mentors to help others. Just my belief. When you hear stories like that, they are very inspiring. 

I also feel if we are matched with an amazing enough person , they can HELP ease that transition . My past had some difficult things, I know opening up and sharing ALL with my then BF/ now husband has helped me be a better person. Of course that person has to show they are worthy of your trust, so we feel we can fall safety in thier arms. 



> My situation is probably different than most. I married her at the tender age of 16. Been married for 35 years and with her exclusively for 37 years. That makes the nature of secrets a little less threatening


 Us too, we've been together since I was 15, not too much threatening at all. 

So you have been together since age 14 !! That is sweeeet!  Our 14 yr old thinks he is madly in love with his GF, and I KNOW she feels the same, they want to spend all of their waking time together, they have even discussed their love languages already - her parents love him, I think the world of her, I do wonder if we are being too lenient ! BUt then we hate to break them up too, cause we KNOW young love like that can last too. I have to wonder why you married so young, a knocking up? 

It is a small dilemma of mine these days.


----------



## TwoDogs

CLucas976 said:


> I am an open book. If you ask me a question about my past, you WILL get an answer whether you're going to like it or not is not my problem.


^^^ this

I'm getting close to 50 years old, I've got a LOT of past (most of it pretty tame and boring!). I've forgotten more than half the details, and beyond the Biggies like criminal record or drug abuse, I have really no idea how much of that flotsam and jetsam floating around in my memory would even be relevant to a partner.

If he wants to know, he'll have to ask. I'll be honest.

For my part, I don't need to know if it's past and done -- this includes past partners. If it has a chance of rearing up again in the present or the future, I'd like to know about it.


----------



## mikeydread1982

I want to know your past to know how bad, or good, of a decision maker you are. Now whether I accept that information and choose to date you is my choice. I do want to know how many partners you've had, did you have protected sex with them, was there ever any abuse(baggage you might bring over). These things tell me what type of people you seem to attract and if I want to have a person that comes with drama in MY life. And the other person should be able to get that from me. And like another person said, if you ask, i'll respond. Doesn't mean you'll like what you hear, but, too bad. Same goes for me.


----------



## Stonewall

SimplyAmorous said:


> Ok, my husband is still like you Stonewall .... He would never press if the woman was uncomfortable. Oh goodness no.
> 
> I wouldn't either...not under circumstances like that , that is just a whole different animal somehow. I wouldn't see this as a "hiding", more of a vulnerability thing.... that only time & yrs of trust could bring out ..... (I wonder if she ever did with you later on??)
> 
> ...I think the majority would not feel comfortable exposing all of that - if abuse or severe trauma was experienced in one's past.
> 
> ...Though I personally would desire ....hopefully, prayerfully...to see the day come where he'd feel enough Trust to go there, or forget me... deal with it within himself -enough to talk to someone about such things. Kind of a therapy angle in all that. I would have to make sure the "environment" on my end --was one of ongoing abounding TRUST , understanding of all things if/when he felt more comfortable.
> 
> I am the type that is terribly intregued about psyche issues, I used to devour Serial killer books (yeah, not sure what that says about me !!??) just cause I am fasinated by the darker side of our natures, WHY people do what they do. So in that way, not too much would surprise me - any kind of messing up in someone's past or being hurt by another unfairly.
> 
> But on the other side of that....I feel the MIND is so powerful, no matter what we have lived through- been handed unfairly in life .... I guess I feel there is HOPE for the overcoming of what binds us -if we want it bad enough, if we are courageous enough .... to never let our pasts define us. Although it may have shaped us, we can still overcome & live victoriously above it....these types even make the best mentors to help others. Just my belief. When you hear stories like that, they are very inspiring.
> 
> I also feel if we are matched with an amazing enough person , they can HELP ease that transition . My past had some difficult things, I know opening up and sharing ALL with my then BF/ now husband has helped me be a better person. Of course that person has to show they are worthy of your trust, so we feel we can fall safety in thier arms.
> 
> Us too, we've been together since I was 15, not too much threatening at all.
> 
> So you have been together since age 14 !! That is sweeeet!  Our 14 yr old thinks he is madly in love with his GF, and I KNOW she feels the same, they want to spend all of their waking time together, they have even discussed their love languages already - her parents love him, I think the world of her, I do wonder if we are being too lenient ! BUt then we hate to break them up too, cause we KNOW young love like that can last too. I have to wonder why you married so young, a knocking up?
> 
> It is a small dilemma of mine these days.


Nope no PG we didn't have our first until the advanced age of 20 LOL. Back then it was not at all unusual in the deep south to marry that young. 

She did eventually tell me all about the abuse and I think that probably was the beginning of the healing process. The only reason I was asking her about it in the first place was becuase she had mentioned a specific way the man touched her and I wanted to make sure I didn't replicate that move and bring back bad memories.

I think you are doing the right thing with your 14 yr old. They have a lot of interpersonal and relationship learning to do at that age. I would give them the space to learn. Its tough being that age.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Not unless it will effect the marriage in a harmful way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

