# Advice needed: menopausal wife?



## Azvael (Sep 16, 2020)

Hi. This is my first post on this forum. Thanks for having me.

I'm freaking out and would very much like some feedback.

My wife and I have been married nearly 13 years. We're both in our late 40s. Good health. No alcohol, drugs, or infidelity. No history of abuse.

About two and a half weeks ago, my wife, in the middle of a normal conversation, declared that I was not her husband.

From that point on, I've been getting hard-core silent treatment. She won't engage me at all, won't look at me, won't acknowledge my existence. She almost never responds to me, and when she does, it's to say ugly things.

We live in a small dump of an apartment. She stays in the bedroom, spends most of the time sleeping, and only emerges in the late afternoon to make herself something to eat. She then grabs snacks, drinks, etc. and retreats back to the bedroom and closes the door.

I sleep in the living room.

Yesterday, I tried to talk to her about some household related matters. She told me to shut up. I persisted, gently, mind you. She got aggressive. She opened the door of our apartment, began pushing me out, and hitting me when I refused to budge. She began calling for help. Thankfully, given the nature of our building tenants, no help came. I managed to close the door. She threatened to call the police, but didn't. I'm an ex-cop. I know how that would go if they showed up, and I was terrified she'd end up in jail.

That was yesterday. Today I've been dealing with shock.

Forget the domestic for a moment. My wife would never say or do any of those things in a million years. Ever. She might actually hit me if she was pissed enough, but opening the door and making a scene like that? No way. The things she said? No.

She has been the most grounded, practical, caring, and loving person I've ever met. Dealing with her now, when she does look at me, it's with a look of absolute hatred. I feel like I'm trapped in an apartment with a stranger who hates me.

My first thought was this was late-onset schizophrenia. But other than the delusion of Not-Husband, she shows no other symptoms. She seems functional, able to cook for herself, shower, etc. She's taken walks and gone to the grocery store. There is the issue of whether she's working or not (she's a consultant), but that's only one data-point. And if I really was her Not-Husband, there are a lot of things she could do about that, but hasn't.

Is this early menopause? I have no idea what her cycle is like right now, or other symptoms like hot flashes, etc. She won't talk to me.

Right now I'm playing junior detective to try to figure out what the hell is going on while staying out of her way. There's no history of mental illness in her family that I know of, and she's not demonstrated any other aspects of psychosis that I've noted. My understanding of menopause is it involves mood swings, depression, etc. Would this qualify? I'm at a loss. Please help.

Thanks in advance.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

No, menopause does not explain this, not even close.

If she genuinely believes you aren't her husband, this is an emergency. Contact her doctor, or an emergency medical facility.

If she means she doesn't want to be married to you, that may have a more mundane explanation, but her behavior sounds pretty extreme and you could still mention it to her doctor. Unless she has given permission to discuss her medical issues w/ you, he can't, but if he believes she is in danger he can arrange help.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

I agree, this sounds like a medical matter and one you will have to figure out how to navigate. If you really believe that SHE believes it when she says you are not her husband, that can be a serious matter and I won't play doctor here but just some things I have run into. 

One where a person had a brain tumor, their behaviors changed drastically. 

Another was VERY odd where the guy had water intoxication!!! I know for certain there had to have been more going on medically, but this was a guy that was stable, a former cop, and had an arsenal of guns. Some odd day he was out shooting a 44 mag in the air at his house! My best friend and his neighbor saved him from being a cop victim. That dude changed quick!

The problem for you is figuring out how drastic you need to take this to get her help. If you call 911, they WILL restrain her and haul her in, which may not be good for you....

Does she have family local? Can they help here? Usually family helps, especially with escalated forceful detention. 

Also, just curious of her race? I have heard of Asian women flipping out. Not being racial here, it is sort of like playing detective without all the cards. I mean her height/weight/race/age/health conditions/etc all come into play but maybe just get the docs involved.


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

Yes schizophrenia can first appear during perimenopause. 
Existing mental health problems can be exacerbated.

Like most people are aware of post natal depression, but less are aware of postpartum psychosis.
It's similar with menopause, in that this aspect is little understood, even in the medical world.

I'm not saying that is what it is, just that you are correct to wonder if this is what could be happening.

I would say this is a psychiatric emergency and that you need to get help somewhere, somehow.

I'm not sure which country you are in, but maybe look up a mental health helpline, its possible that they could point you in the right direction, or even speak to your own doctor maybe.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

If your wife had some previous mental illness, it is not at all unusual for perimenopause to set off another episode. However, although schizophrenia usually onsets in early adulthood, the SECOND peak of onset is.... (drumroll) midlife! At the time of perimenopause! Menopause and Schizophrenia: A Connection?

So, no, this is NOT "normal menopause." Yes, women can get a bit irritable and sweaty during menopause, but they do not act like this. This sounds like some sort of episode or mental health crisis (without knowing details). I would recommend the equivalent of the mental health ER.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

She may be going through menopause in addition to some kind of mental or physiological event but menopause does not explain this behavior.

Has she ever had mental health issues before?

She needs to see a doctor immediately.

This may be a brain tumor or a brain bleed or some other potentially life threatening event. 

It’s not up to you (or us) to diagnose her. It is up to you to get her to a doctor who can.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

SpinyNorman said:


> No, menopause does not explain this, not even close.
> 
> If she genuinely believes you aren't her husband, this is an emergency. Contact her doctor, or an emergency medical facility.
> 
> If she means she doesn't want to be married to you, that may have a more mundane explanation, but her behavior sounds pretty extreme and you could still mention it to her doctor. Unless she has given permission to discuss her medical issues w/ you, he can't, but if he believes she is in danger he can arrange help.


This, in a big way.

It ain't menopause my man.

Unless you think it could be a medical emergency, which is possible and you need to get a ruling on that....

Hell, I'd go to a hotel for a break after such insanity.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I concur with the other here, this is something beyond menopause....
couple questions....
1. how was her health prior to this incident, is she over weight, physical illness, slurrying of words at all?
2. I would check out if she had a stroke, even a mild one could leave with some form of mental capacity issues everyone is different 
3. have the doctors exam her for Frontotemporal dementia (FTD)


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I would agree with some of the posters. Such a dramatic and sudden change in a person could be caused by a medical condition, definately not menopause. Possibly a brain tumour or even early dementia. Her life as you describe is sounds as if she may be depressed, I mean she sleeps all day and only gets up in the afternoon for food? Thats not normal behaviour surely. How long has she been living like that? She is either very lazy and extremely unhappy, or depressed. She needs to be checked out by a doctor, if you can agree to get her to go. Alternately speak to the doctor yourself and tell him what has happened.


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## Azvael (Sep 16, 2020)

Thank you for your replies. I really appropriate it.

Okay, probably not perimenopause. Got it.

Then we're in a bad situation.

Wife is Asian, 48, with no history of mental illness, substance abuse, etc. She's not overweight, there's no slurring of words, no behavior ticks that I've noticed, no history of stroke or other medical problems.

Her family is overseas and both unreliable and unable to help. I have family on the other side of the country, unreliable and unable to help. We're on our own. Or perhaps I should say I'm on my own.

We have no family or regular doctor I can call. Even if I did, I wouldn't be able to get her to go. She won't listen or talk to me.

Beyond what I've explained, she seems otherwise functional. She's taking care of herself, and I've seen no evidence of self-harm. But she's sleeping a lot. She was doing that before this blew up, explaining she was taking some time to rest and relax for about a year or so. She's able to log onto her computer and do whatever she's doing. The day this blew up, she left the apartment, navigated the streets of a large city, bought a few bags of groceries, and came back.

She claims I'm not her husband, but is happy to eat the food I'm getting. I bought a bunch of a crackers she likes, set them on the table for her, and fully expected her to throw them all in the garbage. She took one box and put it in the bedroom. Same with groceries I buy.

The real test, the one I'm terrified of, is if she writes the rent check at the end of this month.

The situation is made worse by two factors.

One, I'm a wreck. Constant anxiety attacks, and physically feeble. I was vital before this, but now... Yesterday I could barely two four pushups where twenty is my standard. I wake up freaking out, I go to bed freaking out, and sleep is scarce. This undermines my ability to help her, or do much of anything else.

Two, and this is the real problem. She's the sole breadwinner. When we got married, we agreed, for various reasons, that I'd take the role of house husband. She makes a good living, and we live humbly, so this was fine. She has control over the finances, an arrangement we both agreed to. If she's out of commission, I have no way of paying this month's rent. It'll take me time to get a job, and I doubt I'd be able to cover everything working full time.

I've called the domestic abuse hotline and they were of limited help, only managing to explain this wasn't, by their measure, abuse. Abuse, in their terms, requires a history of control over the victim, and that's been absent. Even now, she's taken no such action.

And that's the part that I don't get. She avoids me and only becomes hostile if I confront her. She has near total power in our relationship, and hasn't used that power to do me any real harm. She hasn't tried to stop me from showering, eating, or demand the landlord throw me out, etc.

I called a local domestic violence center and am waiting for them to get in touch with me.

This thing is killing me; I don't know what to do.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Azvael said:


> I don't know what to do.


Get her to a doctor somehow.


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## Azvael (Sep 16, 2020)

Not to turn this into a therapy session, but the worse thing for me, the thing that's driving me insane, is the thought of what this will mean for her in the end. She deserves better than me, and certainly better than what she's going through now. If she's mentally ill, and I honestly don't know if that's the case, and I have to have force a medical intervention. What will that mean for her? How will that affect her life, her story, over the long run? I mean, if she's sick, she needs treatment. I get that. But, Jesus, how does that play out for her later?

Sorry. I'm worried about her.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Azvael said:


> Thank you for your replies. I really appropriate it.
> 
> Okay, probably not perimenopause. Got it.
> 
> ...


So you say she hits you? How many times has that happened?
Why cant you both work if you dont have children? Then you could afford somewhere better.
You say she has been spending all day in her bedroom even before this happened? If so that is not normal behaviour. I have to wonder what she is doing in there 24/7. I think that before this happened all was not well in the marriage.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Azvael, there is a reason why when you get on the plane that they ask the adults to put on the O2 mask before putting on a child in case of lost of attitude, in other words you are no good for her if you can't take care of yourself...take a deep breath and just let it out slowly....you need rest and while i get you can't you need at the very least to nap when you can in order to be productive for her....
now more questions...does she/you have a friend that she first recognizes and two trust at all? some one she can talk too and that you can talk to about getting a better picture of who she thinks you are? and what kind of memory she has of you. Let me make it very clear to you something happened, possible scenarios

1. She is faking and she is trying to get rid of you (reasons - done with the marriage, someone else (online), sees you as not pulling your weight....something you may have to investigate)
2. stroke can occur in very minute ways, and their impact can be different with different people, if that is the case than expect her to have another one soon, and could be worse...definitely needs to see a doctor and tested 
3. she could be having an emotional break down as part of a depression she is suffering from....you noted she slept a-lot prior to this, she might have been feeling that being the main breadwinner is too much and she has slowly been slipping into a depressive state which could have created this emotional break down causing her to react in this fashion. Again here she needs help. If you are in the states you can put her in psych ward for 72 hours for observation, but not sure if that will work in this case. 

Question 
1. what is keeping you from getting a job if you were an ex-cop? 
2. have you been able to read her emails to see if she has been talking about you and who she thinks you are? (i suspect that her computer has some answers)


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

As to Factor No. 2 listed above, yes, that certainly is a real problem. Being financially dependent on someone is always a risk and if you can fix that you should. Obviously, she needs to see a doctor immediately.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

If she won't see a doctor and she's having hallucinations and has another episode of calling for help or whatever, call the police. She will be taken to a doctor and then she can get evaluated. I know it sounds like a horrible way to achieve the end goal but she needs help. If by "you're not my husband" she means that she really believes you aren't married or thinks you've been replaced with an impostor, etc. she needs help NOW. My worry is a stroke or a tumor. 

I wish you good luck. I'm so sorry you're dealing with such a difficult problem.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Cops are in high demand in the States, the big cities.

Uh, no!

I would take my chances elsewhere!

I would calmly tell her that she must get herself checked out. If she doesn't you will leave.

Let her see you packing your bags.

If she refuses, like you expect, then....

I would take a greyhound bus to the other side of the country and visit your relatives and stay (temporarily) with them, and get a job...there.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I think she has had a '_nervous breakdown_'.

I assume you have no children?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

"Two, and this is the real problem. She's the sole breadwinner."

The way I see it the above is the real reason. Nothing more damaging to most relationships when the guy is the stay at home partner. 

Most women might start OK with this arrangement, but after some time, we all here know how it ends: the woman losing all respect for the guy as a man, while the males coworkers start to look manly, and the disrespect, putdowns, condescending behavior goes full fledge, until the inevitable happens the woman finds a lover that she sees manly next to her "pathetic house keeping hubby".
I'm not saying that the OP's wife has a lover in this case, but him being a stay at home partner probably is at the root of the problem.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Rob_1 said:


> "
> I'm not saying that the OP's wife has a lover in this case, but him being a stay at home partner probably is at the root of the problem.


No, him staying home did not bring on his wife's hallucinations.

I witnessed something very similar just recently. out of the blue wife started behaving erratically, hostile. They have two teenagers at home. The kids left house with the father because things were out of control, and she called police on husband that he kidnapped children. Children old enough to be able to tell that's not what happened.

To shorten the story - she ended up on psychiatric ward, for few weeks, which is more than usual. Twice. Now she seems to be stabilized, but dutifully keeping her psychiatrist and therapist visits, and the whole family is trying to get over the drama. Husband is very supportive . 

this was all out of blue for them too. No history of mental illness. Age similar to your wife.

What I am trying to say is that sometimes you do not have a choice and call for help. It will be very dramatic and traumatic, but in long run, that's usually the best option.


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## C.C. says ... (Aug 1, 2020)

This is really scary. Why did you make the comment that “she deserves better than you”? Why are you blaming yourself? It sounds like she resents you big time for some reason, (?) and is either proclaiming that you’re not her husband out of hatred, or she’s just gone bat **** crazy.

I’d be scared to sleep under the same roof.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

In my previous post, I was pretty curious if she was Asian. Again, not trying to be racial here, but I have certainly heard of Asian women being down right nasty and both verbally and physically abusive. It would not shock me in the slightest that there is nothing medically wrong with her! 

I would just do the full role out and The EMS/cops come out. I think once she sees them, something miraculous will occur and she will be "better".....but if not, obviously she needs help and they will then be obligated to get her help. 

On the other side of this, this whole relationship just sounds very odd. Guy does not work, still not sure why, indicates he is frail, etc. I don't know what to make of it other than it might be what is fueling her mental shift. I think most Asian women work. But I think as with their Asian counterparts, I have seen Asians work with missing limbs and blind.... She may heavily resent a "no worky" attitude.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Rob_1 said:


> "Two, and this is the real problem. She's the sole breadwinner."
> 
> The way I see it the above is the real reason. Nothing more damaging to most relationships when the guy is the stay at home partner.
> 
> ...


I cant agree, I know a few very happy marriages where the man is mainly at home caring for the children. In this case there are no children however.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

bobsmith said:


> In my previous post, I was pretty curious if she was Asian. Again, not trying to be racial here, but I have certainly heard of Asian women being down right nasty and both verbally and physically abusive. It would not shock me in the slightest that there is nothing medically wrong with her!
> 
> I would just do the full role out and The EMS/cops come out. I think once she sees them, something miraculous will occur and she will be "better".....but if not, obviously she needs help and they will then be obligated to get her help.
> 
> On the other side of this, this whole relationship just sounds very odd. Guy does not work, still not sure why, indicates he is frail, etc. I don't know what to make of it other than it might be what is fueling her mental shift. I think most Asian women work. But I think as with their Asian counterparts, I have seen Asians work with missing limbs and blind.... She may heavily resent a "no worky" attitude.


Yet she isnt working either. Having a year off and barely coming out of her room.


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## Azvael (Sep 16, 2020)

I'm grateful for the replies. Thank you very much.

Let me address a few things, please.

This has nothing to do with her working and me supporting her from home. This was a decision we reached when we got married, for reasons that don't involve the scope of my OP.

I realize there's a prejudice against men who do what I've been doing, the idea that this tends to lead to failed marriages and whatnot. That has nothing to do with our actual situation, my present circumstances, or my OP. My role has been to support her as she's been working to pursue her own ambitions. I have my own side projects that fulfill my own needs, aside from hers. We've both been happy throughout our marriage, until this incident. As far as my ability to work, I've always been prepared to do so should the need arise. All she ever needed to do was ask.

Further explanation goes into the atomic level details of my marriage, and that's not what I came here for.

I came here to narrow down the possible causes of the sudden hostility. Many posts have been very helpful in this regard. Again, thank you.

I'm exhausted and looking for as much information as I can get before I make a move I very well may regret. I'm not comfortable with some of the focus on her ethnicity, and think this might be a good time to back out.

Again, I'm sincerely grateful for everyone who took the time to reply. Thank you very much.

I'm going to investigate medical interventions and see what my options are there.

Please consider this matter closed, and thank you for your valuable time.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Thank you for following up. If she believes you aren't her husband, this is a psychiatric or neurological emergency. Since you told us she doesn't have a doctor, contact a hospital emergency room or 911 and say you think she is having a psychotic episode.

This isn't anyone's fault, it happened to her and now she needs help. You will have nothing to regret by trying to get it for her.

The advice here is easily gotten and easily given, so can be easily ignored.

I'm sorry this happened and wish you the best.


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