# Has this happened to anyone else?!?



## jenis (Feb 9, 2011)

My husband and I are in counseling and bringing our marriage back from the brink of destruction, caused I'd say almost entirely by a shift in my sexuality over the past 5 years or so. I have libido, that hasn't changed. What has changed is a shift to a sex drive that my sole focus and desire is on clitoral release, and not much interest in intercourse, foreplay, or anything else. To be blunt, over the past couple of years, I would have been content sexually to just receive oral sex or perhaps masturbate and nothing else.

I'm not looking to get bashed over the head, I already know the enormous pain my husband and family has suffered. I just want to find out if anyone else has experienced anything like this before.

I'm working hard on this now, I believe counseling (both marriage which we are currently in, and specialized intimacy counseling which I'd like) will help. The marriage counselor is also beginning to hint that personal areas might benefit from psychiatric therapy- no deep rooted trauma when I was younger, more to explore personality traits that might be contributing.

Physically I've been evaluated by my gynecologist and am ok (i do have a small cyst but isn't a concern). I am pre-menopause and we're both mid-40's, married for over 20 years with a very healthy sex life over the first 15 years of our marriage.

Thank you.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

curious why you cant do both during sex. i make my wife come during foreplay several times then finish the old fashioned way, works great for us (twice a month)


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Why would you get bashed?

I just posted on another thread regarding my confusion on this issue. I thought MOST women had orgasms through clitoral stimulation.

And as long as you are happy to give back to your husband in some way, I guess I don't understand why this would be a major issue...


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## jenis (Feb 9, 2011)

It's difficult for me to explain because I don't understand it, and it's more deeply rooted than me just being 'lazy' or 'selfish'. I'll try to explain it through my 'symptoms'.

Five years ago, my healthy relations with my husband began to shift. I began desiring to be the recipient of oral sex more (every time actually), regardless of whatever else happened. Over time it became all I wanted and I became less interested in intercourse. I've always enjoyed clitoral orgasms but the desire for them and intensity began overriding everything else. My focus of sex was/is still in achieving that goal. And when I climax, I'm done. Too sensitive, and the sexual desire is gone.

Over the years I've been really crappy, and manipulating to get what I wanted without reciprocating. Such as telling my husband I enjoyed watching him masturbate. I can't tell you how guilty I feel now, and as we move forward I'm scared to death.

If any female has experienced anything like this, please post.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Simple suggestion - often works in reverse - but how about performing oral on him first before he moves on to you?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

So how would you deal with it if your husband was only interested in getting blown and after that he's not interested in anything with you?

I really do not think you specifically have a sex problem. It is more of your feelings about your husband.

I think you ought to scratch at the resentment angle in counseling.


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## jenis (Feb 9, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> ......And as long as you are happy to give back to your husband in some way, I guess I don't understand why this would be a major issue...


I've left a lot out. My first post about a month ago filled in more. Over the past three years especially, I've demanded much and reciprocated almost nothing to my husband sexually. I really hurt him. He begged me to go to counseling over a year ago, I refused, and he went a few times alone. He was diagnosed with depression about a year ago, the sole cause of which (and I believe him) was my sexual dysfunction and my refusal to acknowledge it as a problem. He had an affair in December of last year which 'gave him back his soul' and 'enough courage to walk away' if he ever felt he would lose it again.

He confronted me in January and laid it all out. If I wasn't willing to be 100% committed to working on finding a solution, he would leave. I am, 100%.


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## jenis (Feb 9, 2011)

michzz said:


> ....... really do not think you specifically have a sex problem. It is more of your feelings about your husband.
> 
> I think you ought to scratch at the resentment angle in counseling.


If it is feelings about my husband, they are buried so deep I can't find them. And I think it's confounding the counselor a bit where he has hinted at seeing a psychiatrist. My husband is (and has always been) my best friend. We share so much in common, and my feelings for him haven't changed in any way that I can detect.

One 'wrinkle' is that we have four children and my husband left his career and became a stay-at-home dad. To be fair and completely honest, parenting was (still is) more natural for him than it was for me. I've always enjoyed working and don't mind being viewed as the 'breadwinner'. 

Some (including the counselor) have wondered if over the 15 years of him being home that there has been any resentment due to this. When our child care situation became untenable 15 years ago, I was relieved when my husband decided to stay home and I'm still very grateful- especially now with teens. It was a bit rough on him for the first few months, but he has always stated (and still does) that staying home and raising our children has been the most rewarding thing he has ever done.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You could use a good psychiatrist. I believe that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jenis (Feb 9, 2011)

michzz said:


> You could use a good psychiatrist. I believe that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm willing, and this might very well be where this will lead.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Not trying to "badger" you - but I'm curious as to why your husband would allow this to continue?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

There's a difference between not wanting to do certain things, and being completely unwilling to work with your husband to find a mutually satisfying arrangement. If you are unwilling to even try something for him, this means you probably feel he is not trying to meet your non sexual needs... Hard to believe a therapist hasn't gone in this direction with you.


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## jenis (Feb 9, 2011)

Hicks said:


> There's a difference between not wanting to do certain things, and being completely unwilling to work with your husband to find a mutually satisfying arrangement. If you are unwilling to even try something for him, this means you probably feel he is not trying to meet your non sexual needs... Hard to believe a therapist hasn't gone in this direction with you.


Unfulfilled needs is an area that is being explored. There is nothing obvious that has come into focus. I can't emphasize this enough and it's not a copout, my sexuality has taken a hard shift and I don't know how I got here. I really don't.

I am capable of pleasing my husband, but since my sexual desires have shifted, it's always kind of faking it. Something that he (and both of us) can tell after 16+ years of healthy mutual relations.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

I have a few questions and wonder if you can answer them honestly, if not here than with yourself in your own head. I'm not being judgmental here as I really do think you need to answer this to begin to figure out what is going on.

Why do your husbands feelings matter so little to you? 

When did you stop caring entirely about what makes him feel good and shift the focus entirely to yourself?


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Michzz hit it on the proverbial head....resentment. You need to work with a counselor to figure that part out.
As for his cheating, nothing "makes" a person cheat, not depression or your sexual dysfunction. That was a decision he made all on his own. If having an affair "gave him back his soul", well it appears he didn't have much of one to begin with then. He was equally as selfish as you were. 
MC should be something you both look in to as well as IC for each of you.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

"my husband left his career and became a stay-at-home dad. To be fair and completely honest, parenting was (still is) more natural for him than it was for me. I've always enjoyed working and don't mind being viewed as the 'breadwinner"

Note that you said "left his career" (suggesting this choice was his and not a mutual one). "completely honest, parenting was (still is) more natural for him than it was for me." Prefacing your statement with "completely honest" adds an unnecessary reenforcement which (to an interrogator) suggests the speaker doesn't entirely mean what they say. "I've always enjoyed working and don't mind being viewed as the 'breadwinner." You still work but you used the past tense (enjoyed) in relation to your work. Could be you're not as thrilled now with work and probably haven't been for some time. "Don't mind" is a very weak way of describing pleasure.

"I was relieved when my husband decided (to stay at home with your children). Again, your wording suggests this decision was his and you were a passive actor in that decision. 

That achieving the best possible orgasm for yourself became your primary goal from sex seems to suggest that giving your husband pleasure wasn't a huge priority and you didn't especially crave deep intimacy with him. All these combined would make perfect sense if you had developed some level of jealousy or resentment. Your kids are nearly grown and every parent goes through separation anxiety. Mothers seem to get it worse. As a father, I know how bad it felt when I realized I had lost so many years with them that I'll never be able to replace. I can't even imagine what a mother would feel. I didn't carry any of my kids for 9 months inside my body. I think it would be hard not to feel a great deal of loss, anxiety, and resentment. You may be the "breadwinner" but you're still a mother and you're subject to all the human frailities that the rest of us have. Glad both of you and hanging in there and trying to fix things. Good luck to you both!


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## Smackdown (Feb 21, 2011)

Jen, My wife has always allowed me to give her oral but this past 6mo. it's all she wants. She tells me I'm doing it so much better but I haven't changed @ all, been doing it this same way for 30yrs. She loves every move I make, so I'd say she's just reached her peak. Now she has become very selfish but is calming down on that, she now makes sure I have a "O".
Mouse


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## jenis (Feb 9, 2011)

Thanks for the replies. I understand how some might get the feeling that it has to be resentment playing a part in this. Perhaps some resentment angle will come to light. I just don't know though because I really don't feel it, anywhere. The biggest thing I could come up with in a solo MC session two weeks ago, is that he will pull stuff out of the oven and set it down directly on our quartz countertops- I'm not kidding. Pretty minor, huh?

Unbelievable- You're probably reading too much into my post- I'm not a great writer to begin with, and I have left a lot out. Telecommuting has been a major part of my career. I do get to travel some (which I love), but much of my work is done from a home office. I'm not accessible all the time, but certainly most of it, and never felt like I was missing out on anything as a working mom over the years. In fact, I have always felt very, very lucky.

I (and my husband) are going to continue MC, and I'm determined to figure this out. At one point though, if MC can't reach whatever the issues are, I'll need to seek other resources as well. Will keep you updated, writing about it helps me feel better. Thanks, Jennifer


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## ctct (Jul 16, 2010)

Part of this seems absolutely standard.
Some women want oral sex every single time, which can be okay.

But you must reciprocate after.
If there is an issue with clitoral/vaginal sensitivity (which is not normal - perhaps medical issue?), then there is always anal sex and oral sex.

Sorry but this does sound like selfishness.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

jenis said:


> The biggest thing I could come up with in a solo MC session two weeks ago, is that he will pull stuff out of the oven and set it down directly on our quartz countertops- I'm not kidding. Pretty minor, huh?


You are so not scratching the deep enough for how you interact sexually with your husband.

Personally, I think you have issues with emasculation and role reversals.

Wouldn't be out of line to reflect on that.

Maybe he ought to get a job out of the house while you stay home.


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## jenis (Feb 9, 2011)

michzz said:


> .......Personally, I think you have issues with emasculation and role reversals......


Maybe, but thinking of this as some sort of an emasculated role issue is very confusing to me. I don't buy into the older notions of rigid male-female roles. I don't see cooking, shopping, and cleaning house has feminine tasks, nor do I view working, bill paying, etc. as male tasks. I don't have any jealousies of any tasks he typically does. And I don't consider myself to be the one 'wearing the pants' in the family. Nor do I think of my husband as anything remotely feminine, weak, or not worthy of respect.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

jenis said:


> Maybe, but thinking of this as some sort of an emasculated role issue is very confusing to me. I don't buy into the older notions of rigid male-female roles. I don't see cooking, shopping, and cleaning house has feminine tasks, nor do I view working, bill paying, etc. as male tasks. I don't have any jealousies of any tasks he typically does. And I don't consider myself to be the one 'wearing the pants' in the family. Nor do I think of my husband as anything remotely feminine, weak, or not worthy of respect.


Yet you are acting sexually selfish in what seems a male pattern. and he is home in a feminine kind of role and dissatisfied in the role.

You have emasculated him and as a result do not respect him as a man.

Personally, I think you are really angry with him and daring him to react.

Unsurprisingly, he chose someone else to react with.

I doubt the two of you will survive this conflict without acknowledgment of the parameters of the conflict.


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## Voiceofreason (Mar 6, 2011)

Jenis: I am curious about your thinking over the last 5 years about your husband's sexual needs. Did you think about them? How did you reconcile them? You said you told him that you enjoyed watching him um, see to his own needs, which suggests that you didn't really enjoy it. 

So what did you want for him and his needs? Were you hoping he would see to his needs in private and leave you alone?

I think you need to reflect upon your thought process that allowed you to rationalize marginalizing his sexuality. Many have suggested some unconscious hostility arising from your gender role reversal. Maybe it is and maybe it isn't. I would agree with the counselor who suggested a psych...probably not too difficult to turn up the reason for your actions and and address it--you seem to have so much going for you, your husband, your family and your future. Good luck to you.


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