# P1ssed off rant



## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

I am 66 yo, retired, married for 47 years.....

I am currently the primary caregiver for my 97 yo dad. 

I haven't had a day off except to go to funerals in 17 months...Taking care of an older person is not a HARD job, it just never ends.

I fix him three meals a day, handle his meds, showers, haircuts, get him to all of his medical appointments, handle his financial arrangements, all of his health care and other insurance, managed to sell his house for him, and disposed of all his furniture, etc....

He lived alone till a year ago last December......His home was an hour away from me, and till he decided not to renew his driving license, he was coping...Just barely. 

After I retired I began driving up to his place a couple of times a month. Mainly to help him get to his medical appointments... I had given up on him moving to my home town (hard headed and fiercely independent) , and with the relatives and close friends he had nearby, he was getting along, but I felt he was going down hill....

A year ago last December he was having some abdominal pain, and I knew it was serious. 

I got him to a specialist, and the problem was a severely enlarged prostate, his urine was overflowing his bladder and backing up into his kidneys....Not good.....

The urologist put a catheter in him, drained his bladder and strapped a urine collection pouch to his leg.......
At that point dad knew he would have to have help with his daily needs. I brought him home that day....I took care of his urine bag for a month, till he had his surgery...


I got him to my urologist, who performed T.U.R.P surgery on him. This took care of his urinary tract problems, and he is now doing really well.....Has gained weight, laughs a lot, enjoys life...

Before my wife and I could discuss his living arrangements, he spoke up and said he would like to live with us, and would kick in $1000 a month to cover his living expenses.....

We agreed.......

My brother is 4 years younger, a drunk, and former drug abuser.....He is retired and spends most of his time fishing with his grandson, and laying around the house drinking.....(his words)

The first incident that led to this thread was dads car....He had a 2009 Chevy impala...bottom if the line, no extras, with a little body damage, and 39,000 miles....

I didn't need or want the car, as I already had 3, and am not a GM fan........

I called my brother and told him about the car, that I didn't want it, and that *if he would tell dad he wanted the car, I would talk the old man into giving it to him....*

My brothers reply was "*anyone could use an extra car, but I really **don't want it*....A free car mind you.....

Dad said he wanted to sell the car for $5000. I told him that was too cheap, but he insisted, so I just got the body work done and bought it off of him........

All was well for a couple of months when my brother and his wife (who live 200 miles away) showed up at my door unannounced and said he wanted to talk....

He (actually his wife) suggested that dad should go home and live by himself since he had recovered from his surgery......

Then he said it was DAMNED TACKY OF ME TO ACCEPT $1000 A MONTH FROM DAD, and that he suspected I was going to swindle him out of his share of his inheritance.....

He then said I HAD CHEATED HIM OUT OF DADS CAR....This was the car I had tried to get him to take for FREE......

I showed him dads portfolio, and bank statement, and told him if he wished, I could send him monthly statements...He declined (too lazy to read them)...I also told him in round numbers what he could expect as his share....He just said *dad's bank balance had better not get much lower as he didn't have a lot of bills........*

Then after 45 minutes for the whole visit the drove back home........

I just blew him off, but the more I thought about the whole affair the more pissed off I got......Hence this thread.......

I bought a new leather recliner and a big screen TV when I retired.....I have sat in it for less than half an hour in 17 months....

My dad sits in it, with his wireless headphones on, watching westerns all day, every day....

I am glad I can provide him with this comfort and something to occupy himself....

I bought a 17 foot fishing boat......

It wasn't in the water all last summer, and so far, not this summer....

When I worked I went trout fishing at least once a month......

Since I retired, I have been 4 times...Quickies...get up at 3:00 AM drive 80 miles, fish till 11:00 AM and scoot home.....

We restrict our cooking to things he can chew, since his teeth are mostly gone, so lots of soup, white beans, stews....etc.

When my wifes sister died we suggested dad stay with my brother for 2-3 days...He said *"I would rather go into a nursing home"* as he remembers his last visit to my brother 20 years ago, when his drunken wife kept them up all night fighting.....

Since my dad moved in with us, my brother visited once for 45 minutes.....He calls for 15 minutes ever Sunday morning.....

While he sits on the couch drinking, and fishing with the grandkids, he has the gall to say*"I should take care of dad "out of pocket" so as not to deplete his inheritance".* and that I am a lowlife for accepting money for dads upkeep.....

Here is the big question.....Does anyone here feel I am taking advantage of my dad and brother with this arrangement, or do I have a right to be a little P1SSED?????

I have the sole power of attorney for my dad, and his will says that I am the executor....

To get past all the lawyer talk, lets just say dad wants my side of the family to get half, and my brothers side to get half....Simple as that....And I am honor bound and determined to see that it happens.....To the last dime........BUT

He and his wife have p1ssed me off to the point that I am seeing red......

Given the fact that my brother and his wife are both alcoholics, I am concerned that if they got a lump sum of money they would indulge to the point of endangering their lives.......

Would it be ethical to have dad change his will so that my wife and I each got one quarter of the funds, and that my brother, his wife, his son, and two daughters would all get an equal portion of the other half?

The split would still be 50-50, but my brother and his wife would get equal shares with their 3 adult children....Thus avoiding my brother and his wife of getting such a big lump of cash????

I know his kids would not see a penny if brother got all of the money in his hot little hands. He and his wife would binge on booze and meth till they imploded......And leave his kids to pick up their funeral expenses...

BUT.....Would this change in the will be appropriate, or would it seem vengeful and petty on my part?????

Or just a little trip for the "KARMA BUS"

good luck
the woodchuck


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Sorry if I'm out of line, but boy is your brother a selfish ass.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You are in NO WAY being petty here, or taking advantage! I admire how you are taking care of your father. As for your brother? FVCK HIM. Your dad is obviously onto him, his nursing home statement is testament to that. Talk to him about his will, you cant MAKE him do anything, but it may give him pause to rethink. Then again, he may just feel obligated to leave your brother half, since he IS his son. Please, just disregard and ignore the rantings of your loser brother, and keep doing right by your dad.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Woodchuck said:


> Dad said he wanted to sell the car for $5000. I told him that was too cheap, but he insisted, so I just got the body work done and bought it off of him........


Well you could tell your brother that when he pays you the $5000 + what the repairs cost you, he can have the car.



Woodchuck said:


> Here is the big question.....Does anyone here feel I am taking advantage of my dad and brother with this arrangement, or do I have a right to be a little P1SSED?????


No, you are not taking advantage of your father or your brother. Your father offered you $1000 a month. Your expenses are higher with him in the house. It probably makes your father feel better that he is pitching in since you are doing so much for him.

Who withdraws his money every month? Is your father writing you a check? It might be a good idea if he were to either write the checks to you so that his signature shows that he’s in agreement. Or the could write up something saying that he intends to contribute $1000 monthly for room, board, gas, transportation, etc.

You ask if you are taking advantage of your brother. No you are not taking advantage of your brother. He is not a party to what you and your father are doing. He has no say whatsoever in it. Plus, your father’s money right now is, well your father’s money. Your brother has no claim to it at all. You father has no legal obligation to leave anything to your brother or anyone else. Your brother is acting like your father is already dead and he has rights to your father’s $$.



Woodchuck said:


> Would it be ethical to have dad change his will so that my wife and I each got one quarter of the funds, and that my brother, his wife, his son, and two daughters would all get an equal portion of the other half?
> 
> The split would still be 50-50, but my brother and his wife would get equal shares with their 3 adult children....Thus avoiding my brother and his wife of getting such a big lump of cash????
> 
> I know his kids would not see a penny if brother got all of the money in his hot little hands. He and his wife would binge on booze and meth till they imploded......And leave his kids to pick up their funeral expenses...


I think that your idea is a good one, split your brother’s half of the inheritance between him, his wife and his children.

I’m curious as to why your father is leaving money directly to your wife and your brother’s wife. Technically the wives are not his heirs. He of course has every right to leave his money to the wives if he chooses, but it’s more usual for a person to leave the money to their children and grandchildren. Inheritance is separate property in most places.

If your father were to leave your half to you, you can then make it marital property by simply putting your wife’s name on the account if you so choose. If you put it in an account in your name only and make sure that you never mix it with marital money then it’s yours only.

The idea of your father splitting ½ between your brother and his 3 children makes a lot of sense.



Woodchuck said:


> BUT.....Would this change in the will be appropriate, or would it seem vengeful and petty on my part?????
> 
> Or just a little trip for the "KARMA BUS"
> 
> ...


I think that this change is wise. Have you discussed it with your father? Would he be comfortable with it?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Also, have you discussed your father's money and estate handling with someone who helps the elderly plan?

Under certain circumstances he could be required to use of all of his money for medical care, etc. It might be wise to put the $$ in a trust or some other financial instrument that protects it but still gives him and/or you some control over it.


Keep in mind that you could be hit by the beer truck tomorrow. As it is your brother might very well take care of your dad by moving him into some care facility and then take over his finances.

Another thing about a trust is that it could be set up so that your brother does not all of his share at one time. Instead it's in monthly payments so that he does not drink and snort it all away in a few short months.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

You know what I would do, since your dad has money why not pay for a nurse? Enjoy the time left with him, spend his money, give him a comfortable and maybe even luxurious last years. Heck do things with him instead of being his caretaker. I'm sorry to be so rude but cut your brother off the will. He deserves nothing. This always happens the sibling with the biggest heart puts up with everything and then the losers like vultures come to check on the money the house anything they can get their hands on.

My grandma just passed so I'm pissed too, my dad always saw for her, the sisters are just fighting for everything. I asked to have something from her, nothing of monetary value. Just a keepsake and you know what they sent me? Some butt ugly ash tray! She didn't even smoke! Your telling me she had nothing else? I was just wanting a small meaningful token but, they are so greedy you can't reason with them. 

I write this so you can see how it's going to playout.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

TAM members, thanks for the support. I am determined to take care of my dad till the end if it is at all possible. HE never let me down, and now I have his back. It is my mission to make sure he never has a worry or pain if I can help it. . 

I recently went to my aunts funeral. she had been very ill for 8 years, and her daughter had taken care of her the whole time. 

I know what effort and disruption of a household this can be. I was SO proud of my cousin for being there for her mom....It is the truest form of character, and the respect shown her by the rest of the family was wonderful to behold.

I truly admired that woman...

I am going to talk to a lawyer about my dads will. My instructions are to revise the will so my brothers kids get an equal share, and to make certain I get no more than half......

I am honor bound to only take my fair share, but I am going to try to make sure my brothers kids are taken care of. 

They turned out to be good adults, and deserve to have something from dads estate. They will certainly never get a dime from their parents.

I have also decided it would not be a betrayal of trust if used some of dads funds to hire someone to look after him in our home, so my wife and I could take a vacation...

I would like to take a week off a couple of times a year. After all, I would be using the funds solely for HIS care, and my wife and I NEED some down time......

I have not felt right about this in the past, but have re thought it, and think it would be totally ethical.....

I am also thinking about getting a walk in whirlpool bath tub installed in the master bath. I worry about dad falling in the shower, and this would be much safer....

I hope my brother doesn't think it is p1ssing away his inheritance.....Oh well...SCREW HIM!!!!:rofl:

THE WOODCHUCK


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

mablenc said:


> You know what I would do, since your dad has money why not pay for a nurse? Enjoy the time left with him, spend his money, give him a comfortable and maybe even luxurious last years. Heck do things with him instead of being his caretaker. I'm sorry to be so rude but cut your brother off the will. He deserves nothing. This always happens the sibling with the biggest heart puts up with everything and then the losers like vultures come to check on the money the house anything they can get their hands on.
> 
> My grandma just passed so I'm pissed too, my dad always saw for her, the sisters are just fighting for everything. I asked to have something from her, nothing of monetary value. Just a keepsake and you know what they sent me? Some butt ugly ash tray! She didn't even smoke! Your telling me she had nothing else? I was just wanting a small meaningful token but, they are so greedy you can't reason with them.
> 
> ...


You are so right about vultures, I have seen it time and time again. When my MIL died, the only remnant of her possessions left for my wife was a small broken necklace...She still cherishes it. Some people are just greedy.

My dad had 2 years of education, and when I was growing up he always worked 2 jobs. I know how he got every dime of his money. He worked back breaking manual labor jobs most of his life. Then he got into real estate, and business. He was the hardest working man I have ever known. 

He has my brothers number, knows about his years of drinking and drug abuse, how he got hepatitis 3 times from dirty needles, how he hid out from the law for 3 years from a drug store burglary, and how the drug dealers almost beat him to death in Miami....Dad was always there to bail him out, but wants very little to do with him now.....

I needed to get all this crap off my chest. I have made up my mind to relax and have a good time, and give dad comfort and pleasure for his remaining years....

the woodchuck


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Man do I know this story. I was the middle man between my father and uncle because my grandmother(their mother) put me on as her Health Care Proxy and POA when she had her initial diagnosis of Alz/Dementia. She knew they'd be at each other and that I had no real issues being a brick wall between the two.

What I did...

I set up Quicken to track all of her finances. 

Not 2 months into her being in my home because she had finally gotten bad enough to lose her license, I got the 'depleting inheritance' line. So my solution was to poll the area to find the cost of homes, etc. Did some reasonable deductions since it was my home and I'm not certified or anything. I then sat them both down and handed them each invoices. The first invoice was for the time leading up to that date. Split 50/50 between them. My fees to care for their mother. Then the second one was for the coming month's care. I then told them if they preferred to pay me/reimburse monthly and on time I'd be more than happy to bank any income she had to be split per her instructions on passing. 

Needless to say they both left mad. They both got over it. I slept fine.


*edit - By 'homes' above I was referring to nursing homes and assisted living facilities.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Malpheous said:


> Man do I know this story. I was the middle man between my father and uncle because my grandmother(their mother) put me on as her Health Care Proxy and POA when she had her initial diagnosis of Alz/Dementia. She knew they'd be at each other and that I had no real issues being a brick wall between the two.
> 
> What I did...
> 
> ...


I have decided that what I do now is between my dad and me....I am doing what dad wants and brother can go straight to hell...

the woodchuck.....


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

I work in health care for the elderly. (Your version of a CNA would be the closest thing to my title - certified nursing assistant).

I've seen this type of situation time and time again with families. What your brother suggested (and his wife) about sending him back on his own after surgery is an attempt to garner control over your father for himself. It would result in elder abuse (particularly the biggest form of elder abuse, financial abuse).

You, on the other hand, *DO NOT* abuse your father. You are doing exactly what you should be doing. Taking care of him. He sees it, he knows it and that's why you are the executor of his will and financial advocate for his estate. He chose well!

What I suggest is getting a third party involved that is neutral and unbiased. Perhaps a financial planner\adviser that can sit down with both you and your father and go over his estate and financials to better plan for the future (both immediate and far future).

This way you can say that you did not have a hand in what your father decided to do with his will and estate when he passes (hopefully not for a very very long time and it sounds like he's in pretty good health).

As for his contribution to the household, that is his way of keeping his independence, integrity and individuality. DO NOT TAKE THAT FROM HIM because he will go downhill very quickly if you do. He comes from a generation that was taught to pay their way and pull their weight. It takes away from his individuality and sense of self worth if someone takes that away from him. Fiercely independent and strong willed. Let him be that because that is who he is. You are doing NOTHING WRONG and EVERYTHING RIGHT.

Keep at it and be damned to the brother and his wife.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

mablenc said:


> You know what I would do, since your dad has money why not pay for a nurse? Enjoy the time left with him, spend his money, give him a comfortable and maybe even luxurious last years. Heck do things with him instead of being his caretaker. I'm sorry to be so rude but cut your brother off the will. He deserves nothing. This always happens the sibling with the biggest heart puts up with everything and then the losers like vultures come to check on the money the house anything they can get their hands on.
> 
> My grandma just passed so I'm pissed too, my dad always saw for her, the sisters are just fighting for everything. I asked to have something from her, nothing of monetary value. Just a keepsake and you know what they sent me? Some butt ugly ash tray! She didn't even smoke! Your telling me she had nothing else? I was just wanting a small meaningful token but, they are so greedy you can't reason with them.
> 
> ...


Actually, it may be covered by his retirement benefits (regardless if it is SSI or private or both). Contact the local services in your area to find out what is covered. You can also get rest bit services to help you as the care giver to get some "me" time which you need Woodchuck.

It's actually very emotionally and physically draining when you don't have a break. All care givers need a break. There are services for it, use them and get thy butt on that boat for a fishing trip that you sorely need.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

coffee4me said:


> These are things that you need to do. The bathtub, safety rails installed anything that will help you take care of your dad more safely and easily.
> 
> You need to look into how you can have a nurse for him as well. A few times a year for vacation would be great, being a caregiver is very draining and you time away with your wife.
> 
> I would also suggest if your dad is still somewhat healthy a senior center program. My grandma is 98 and she goes to a center 3 days a week for 1/2 day. Where they have games serve lunch and she gets to interact with others in her age group. She is the oldest one there but still close to her age. She loves it, having some friends and she really looks forward to the days she goes. Plus, it gives my mom a chance to have some down time of her own.


We have a rather large home that almost seems to have been designed for taking care of dad. He has his own room, a bath across the hall, and his recliner and kitchen just around the corner.

Since we have had him, several relatives have stopped in to see how he is doing. With the exception of my brother, they were delighted at his circumstances. You can see he is healthy, well cared for and content....

My brother didn't want dad to go back to his own home so he could control him....Brother wanted dad to be on his own *so he **would die more quickly...PERIOD*

We have a walk in/sit down shower with grab rails, but he can easily afford a walk in tub, and I think I am going to get one installed...He deserves it...

He is very hearing impaired, and will NOT get hearing aids. So he is not interested in socializing......

All things considered I think he is as happy as possible, and I am going to make sure he stays that way.......

the woodchuck


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I'm so glad to read your responses, It seems like you are a great son, and you will be in peace when it's his time to leave because you did more than what was asked, so pat yourself on the back.
If you don't want to get a nurse maybe get someone help with other things. Get a maid to come clean even once a week, hire a chef or pay for handy work, you need to get a break or will not make it as far as him. I'm sure your wife shares the burden but, lighten it up. It will only make things better. Get respite care for at least the weekend. I'm sure your dad will be happy to see you more energetic and rested.
As for your brother do separate some money aside so he can buy a kite and go fly it. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

I have toxic relatives. Your brother must be treated like a rabid dog; feel sorry for him but don't let him bite you. He can't take care of himself, so you cannot expect him to care for others.

Kudos to you for caring for your father. I agree with those who say it is the highest show of character to do this. Not easy, but a great honour. I also agree with those who say to do what you must--but also document everything. It's amazing how those who do so little in the moment will find so much energy to be vindictive and greedy later.

Have your dad sign off on an agreement. I agree to let him feel he is contributing. Really, $1000/month is nothing -- $12K a year? Who lives off that? Not saying he should pay more, but that your brother is being an ass.

Keep records of everything; housing estimate, food, leisure activities, clothes. I think its worth the few hundred $ to see an accountant who specializes in this area to document and estimate care amounts for your dad. You have every right to claim those expenses against the inheritance *before* it is split with your siblings. The trust is a very good idea. So is a will while your dad is of sound mind.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Woodchuck said:


> Then he said it was DAMNED TACKY OF ME TO ACCEPT $1000 A MONTH FROM DAD, and that he suspected I was going to swindle him out of his share of his inheritance.....
> 
> He then said I HAD CHEATED HIM OUT OF DADS CAR....This was the car I had tried to get him to take for FREE......
> 
> I showed him dads portfolio, and bank statement, and told him if he wished, I could send him monthly statements...He declined (too lazy to read them)...I also told him in round numbers what he could expect as his share....He just said *dad's bank balance had better not get much lower as he didn't have a lot of bills........*


Talk to a lawyer and protect yourself. Be thankful for this visit. Your brother just warned you that he will be suing you for stealing from your dad. Sure, he did not use those exact words, but it is clear that whatever he ends up with will not be what he deserves, so he will blame you.

Set things up to protect yourself. That means keeping all receipts for your dads care, have an attorney advise you on decisions, get your dad to sign off on everything, with a third party witnessing it. No fun, but you will be in a world of hurt of you don't do this.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Talk to a lawyer and protect yourself. Be thankful for this visit. Your brother just warned you that he will be suing you for stealing from your dad. Sure, he did not use those exact words, but it is clear that whatever he ends up with will not be what he deserves, so he will blame you.
> 
> Set things up to protect yourself. That means keeping all receipts for your dads care, have an attorney advise you on decisions, get your dad to sign off on everything, with a third party witnessing it. No fun, but you will be in a world of hurt of you don't do this.


This is good advice and I'll bet your father would want you to be protected in this way too. Therefore I do hope you'll give this serious consideration and put into action *soonest*, rather than procrastinate and regret it in years to come.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

You are a wonderful son.
I also had to care for my late Mom during her last years, and before I did so, one of my sisters was taking financial/emotional advantage of her. During one of Mom's hospitalizations she said she wanted the sister to have her power of attorney. I told her in front of the entire family that I had a problem with that, told her why (with details of the money improperly spent) and the utter lack of communication this sibling had with family members. Mom seemed shocked that anything was wrong. Thankfully the other family members backed me up and that was that. While I certainly complained to friends about the hours I spent trying to reason with an aging woman with dementia, now that she's gone I wouldn't trade that time for anything. My sibling never challenged me after that. I wish you the same lack of challenge from your brother.


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## walksoflty (Jun 5, 2013)

Sorry, I didn't read all the replies to your post, too much detail. I just want to say that your brother is what that other guy said--a selfish ass. The alternative split that you considered to include his children sounds great as long as your dad is fond of his grandchildren. Just tell him what the score is and let HIM tell you what he wants to do.

I took care of my dying mother in my home with no help from my three siblings. She could do nothing for heself and my husband and I were changing diapers, staying up all night, and both working full-time jobs. No one came until the day she died. Then it was all about how devastated they were that our mother was gone. Poor poor them. Then came the fighting over the spoils. The whole thing disgusted me and I just washed my hands of it and let them be petty about posessions. 

You do what you and your father think is right. Your brother has no business butting in and waiting 'til now to all of a sudden be interested. Too late...he showed his true colors.


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