# As a BS how do you approach Valentines Day



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

We are about 18 months into R and I am still dealing with Valentines day as a trigger. There were pictures and texts I found from my WS to that POS OM. Last year we acted like it did not happen.

How are you dealing with Valentines Day or is not an issue?


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

Former WW and I are farming the kids off and staying at home, watching movies and drinking beer. 

My daughter's birthday was the day she left me - so that will always be an awful trigger I suspect. Great! 

Sorry for your pain my friend. I hope it goes OK for you.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

It's tough because it also happens to be Regret's birthday.

I'll let ya's know Friday.


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## Link182 (May 25, 2012)

<Sigh>....

I went through the motions, ordered her some things. TBH, my heart is just not in it. Post DDay 14 months - ish now. After the gas lighting, the rug sweeping, the trickle truth, my heart is just kinda beat up still. V-day for me has always been for lover's in love, that passionate thing, that romantic thing we all idealize. Perhaps I'm just a closet romantic at heart. 

There's a part of me that is still hurt, another part that wants to beat her to death with her own actions, but the larger part is just kinda apathetic of sorts. She has owned what she did (finally), and committed to transparency and openness about our relationship, but to say I was all the way back to google-eyed, love sick me of 11 years past? Nope, not there yet...


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Interesting that VD is a problem for you guys... it's my fiance's b-day that's a problem for me. In the early days, I made an effort for his b-day by preparing a menu, shopping for the food; getting the exact cake that he wanted; preparing it at his place the Sat night immediately after his actual b-day. Fortunately, I sent him e-mails asking him what he preferred.......

Fast forward to our D-Day, where he used the excuse that he was dating that other woman (treating a sh!t load better that other woman he kept trying to pass off as just a friend) because he said he didn't know how I felt about him. I said, really, all that I did for your b-day means nothing to you now. He asked me, What DID you do for my birthday? I told him to review his e-mails to remind himself.

That was also part of the discussion in which he told that his "friend" went "all out for his birthday. Oh really, I said, Did you and she do something within the week of your birthday. He said, yes, of course. Little did he know that I was looking at an FB PM string between him and her that made it clear that they did not see each each until 2 weeks after his birthday. And also that he made dinner reservations to see her. And that's what he dressed as "her" making and effort. I said, in that e-mail string there is no mention of your b-day there.

Yes, he said, but when she showed up she offered to pay for dinner and gave me a b-day card. Months later I asked to see this card and he admitted that she never gave him one. Since we had this discussion by e-mail, I told him I have it in writing that you said she gave you one.

I do ask myself will I ever be comfortable doing something for his b-day again.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

We are going out to eat.
Its my dead brothers birthday its also the day last year POSOM went fishing for my WW,wife told me about it,I called him told him I have already warned him.
He started texting me back ALL DAY long that he was coming over to f my wife all over the house and going to kick my ass and to stay out of his busness.
POS led me on a wild goose chase telling me to meet him at different places,when I showed up he ran.
The text went on for eight hours that day,he kept threatening to come over,I sent my wife and kids out of the house and waited on him with my gun.
He was a twice convicted felon and semi-homeless.
He was WW bf in high school,they did meet up but never got physical.
He actually thought WW was going to keep me kicked out of the house so he could move in.
So V day is going to be I trigger I think.
I ruined the POS's life,he told me I didnt know who I was f'ing with,turns out he did'nt know me very well.
His calls and text lasted eight months,he's verry sorry he ever tested me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

We celebrate it, usually he takes me out to dinner. This year the venue is a surprise 

Valentines was never a trigger for me. Even when he was in the midst of cheating, he always made sure I was well taken care of on V day.

The trigger days do get better every year, I am finding.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> Interesting that VD is a problem for you guys... it's my fiance's b-day that's a problem for me. In the early days, I made an effort for his b-day by preparing a menu, shopping for the food; getting the exact cake that he wanted; preparing it at his place the Sat night immediately after his actual b-day. Fortunately, I sent him e-mails asking him what he preferred.......
> 
> Fast forward to our D-Day, where he used the excuse that he was dating that other woman (treating a sh!t load better that other woman he kept trying to pass off as just a friend) because he said he didn't know how I felt about him. I said, really, all that I did for your b-day means nothing to you now. He asked me, What DID you do for my birthday? I told him to review his e-mails to remind himself.
> 
> ...


And you're going to marry this guy because?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> And you're going to marry this guy because?



He's doing everything right at the moment.... including transparency.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> And you're going to marry this guy because?


No doubt, eh?


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> We celebrate it, usually he takes me out to dinner. This year the venue is a surprise
> 
> Valentines was never a trigger for me. Even when he was in the midst of cheating, he always made sure I was well taken care of on V day.
> 
> The trigger days do get better every year, I am finding.


I like that,I'm not going to give the POS one thought on V day,well I might a little knowing what I did to him.
We have reservations a a local pub we like to hang out sometimes and it should be a good day.
Dinner and drinks all for $100,its the first time they have done something like this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

I stood in the card aisle looking at a million cards. Its a shame that now I have to consider every word in the card and whether or not it pertains to us/me/him. I left the store with one that talked about "weathering the storm"...I guess thats fitting! LOL


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## Joburg (Jan 16, 2013)

That is some artificial junk between WW and OM this year - I am still concentrating on NC here - will find a random woman and surprise her with someting nice


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

No V-day triggers, but I'm not into it at all. Only been six months.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

Less than 2 weeks since D-Day. I plan to ignore it as best I can.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Link,
And this is why you remain at risk of further cheating. 

This type situation is simple. You say to the cheater: if you want, you can make the effort to do something special for me. Given where we are right now, I am not planning to do anything for you. 




QUOTE=Link182;1444052]<Sigh>....

I went through the motions, ordered her some things. TBH, my heart is just not in it. Post DDay 14 months - ish now. After the gas lighting, the rug sweeping, the trickle truth, my heart is just kinda beat up still. V-day for me has always been for lover's in love, that passionate thing, that romantic thing we all idealize. Perhaps I'm just a closet romantic at heart. 

There's a part of me that is still hurt, another part that wants to beat her to death with her own actions, but the larger part is just kinda apathetic of sorts. She has owned what she did (finally), and committed to transparency and openness about our relationship, but to say I was all the way back to google-eyed, love sick me of 11 years past? Nope, not there yet... [/QUOTE]


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Yup.. 3.5 years into R and I still dislike this holiday. Before DD, it was jewelry, lovey card, etc. It was expected. Now I hate that ‘expected’ word since it brought me nothing but misery. 

Hallmark love I no longer have. Card picking is a miserable emotional experience as it is tough to find a ‘non-committal’ card that doesn’t mention ‘forever’.. This year it’s going to be like a regular date night and we’ll go out on Friday. I’ll give her the card on Thursday, but that’s sort of it on my end of things... Maybe I’ll cook something nicer than usual. As always, I’m sure she’ll bury her head and sort of hide on that triggery day of ‘what could have been if she had not spread her legs’ and walk around on eggshells trying to not upset me... and still upset me by being absent instead of supportive.

And ugh... she’ll get me one of those lovey forever cards..... just like the ones she gave me while cheating. And... she’ll insist she means it and say it aloud without recognizing she’s said those words before too with just as much passion behind it... I really dislike this holiday now.


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

Valentine's Day is and will be a thing of the past for me...no interest what so ever...I have renamed it "Delusional Day"...I would prefer to celebrate "Festivous" on that day...


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Yah, major trigger for me because he gave me a present last year during our dinner out. Lovely jewelery box. Fantastic diamond earrings, except one was missing. He was so busy "chatting" with her before he rushed to take me out that he never even checked the box. Total lack of quality control. 
..... and the way he "presented" the gift to me was so lack luster. He didn't even bother to wrap it. The whole evening felt so rushed and he was a million miles away. 

Course it wasn't till a week later that I discovered the EA....talk about foreshadowing. 


I'm not sure how I feel about it now. I've always hated the pressure and commercialization to buy presents on that day.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Last V-day we were in false R. This year we are doing very well. However, I told hubs that I didn't want anything for me, and instead I think that since it is on a Thu night, we should take our 2 girls to the store and buy them new bikes as our gift to them. Then he and I can celebrate at a later date when we can get an overnight sitter.

I am happy with that and he agreed that was a good plan.

I suppose I will get a card for him though. It does not sting so bad finding kind words for him now as it has been the last year. He is coming around  2013 has been totally us and no one else...that is a good thing.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

calvin said:


> He started texting me back ALL DAY long that he was coming over to f my wife all over the house and going to kick my ass and to stay out of his busness.
> POS led me on a wild goose chase telling me to meet him at different places,when I showed up he ran.
> The text went on for eight hours that day,he kept threatening to come over,I sent my wife and kids out of the house and waited on him with my gun.


He was just messing with you, he probably was never at any of those locations, he probably never even left his house, meanwhile you're snapping at the bait running all over the place as you said, on a wild goose chase, he was probably laughing the entire time.

Good thing he never showed at your house, you would have ended up in jail with a murder conviction and your wayward wife would be free to find the next guy.

Consider yourself lucky.


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## BrokenHeartedBelle (Feb 14, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> I stood in the card aisle looking at a million cards. Its a shame that now I have to consider every word in the card and whether or not it pertains to us/me/him. I left the store with one that talked about "weathering the storm"...I guess thats fitting! LOL


I did the same. I wanted to get something, but at a little over a year since dday, I couldn't get a card that said "for the best husband ever"


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> Link,
> _And this is why you remain at risk of further cheating.
> 
> This type situation is simple. You say to the cheater: if you want, you can make the effort to do something special for me. Given where we are right now, I am not planning to do anything for you. _
> ...


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

mahike said:


> We are about 18 months into R and I am still dealing with Valentines day as a trigger. There were pictures and texts I found from my WS to that POS OM. *Last year we acted like it did not happen.*
> 
> How are you dealing with Valentines Day or is not an issue?


Are you saying that last year you acted like the affair never happened or last year you acted like there was no such day as Valentine's Day?

Either way, how did it work out for you last year?


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## doc_martin (Oct 19, 2012)

I'm taking my 12 year old daughter on one of our monthly "dates". I have been doing this since she turned 12. I figure it is a way for her to learn to expect what a gentleman should be doing for her. Plus it gives my daughter and I some one on one time, since the D has been particularly hard on her.


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## Malcolm38 (Dec 25, 2012)

I'll just grab some whiskey and stare at the TV while avoiding her texts. Like most Thursday nights. It'll be fun.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Its killing me. 

Its killing me because I know my wife will just take the youngest and go see the OM. I have a therapy session for my oldest son that day. I know she will go out when we do and come back an hour afte we do to give her 2 hours with this guy. 

Man I don't deserve this.


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## Biscuits (Aug 2, 2012)

Not trying to 1 up anybody;

She cheated on me on Valentine's Day last year.....AND......her birthday the week after. Sucks to be her...

She asked what I was going to get her, the Die Hard movies and a bottle of So Co. Hope she likes her gifts!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I have a card for her from our little family. Our pets. Then I'll buy her a big card from myself, tomorrow. 

The present? Maybe a bottle of her favourite gin.:smthumbup:


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

We celebrated V-Day last night (as daughter was staying with my parents). 

We exchanged cards, went for a nice meal, went home, chilled a bit then had sex later on. Which was nice, don't get me wrong but did feel a teeny bit forced! 

No particular triggers for me on V-Day, as all her cr$p took place in Summer/Autumn (2008).


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Feb 14 was the day I lost my brother and his wife in a tragic accident. 8 years ago. In 2011, things were getting bad between me and her.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

AngryandUsed said:


> Feb 14 was the day I lost my brother and his wife in a tragic accident. 8 years ago. In 2011, things were getting bad between me and her.


So sorry  I know what it is like to lose a brother.


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

I will spend it trying to control my rage, waiting for the moon to be delivered to me in a silver platter and expecting the world to be at my feet!

LFTS suggested I get him a card that had a question mark and inside said "what the heck were you thinking you dumb a$$", so I will be crafting one tonight since Hallmark may not have it!


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

AM2013 said:


> I used to tell him not to buy me expensive things. Now, I realize that if he doesn't buy them for me, he may buy them for someone else. I don't want that to happen.


I see that as one of my flaws. I never demanded I be treated the way I felt I deserved. I thought finances were tight all the time and never expected anything special for Valentine's Day. I would rather that money go to other priorities. In hindsight, I know that the priority should have been me. The reality is we never had money problems. My husband was hiding part of his check in another account. He was also taking out personal loans here and there. So, yeah, we had the money, I just did not know about it. And me thinking he wasn't romantic......I was wrong. Since he has abandoned me, I have seen the paper trail of dinners in expensive restaurants on a random day in the middle of the week. I am sure he has bought her gifts and flowers too. So, Valentine's Day is especially hard for me this year because I realize he chose over 22 years to be unromantic toward me. My sacrifices were for him to have more money for other things (gambling, cheating, or whatever he did with it). My future relationships will not be that way. I know my self worth. I knew it before, I was just too doormatish to demand to be treated better. I don't want to sound shallow and materialistic, but self sacrifice gets you nowhere.


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

Salt - it is his lost and believe me it does not last and the grass is only greener where it has been watered, not necessarily on the other side.

I used to do the same thing and now I have no problem with him saying I will pay for this that and the other and when my rage comes I pay MY BILLS with HIS account.


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