# Did anyone's WS Come Clean After You Filed for Divorce?



## growing10 (Oct 9, 2019)

Don't have any evidence other than him freaking out when I found what I found. Like many, I showed my cards immediately so stuff could have been deleted/discarded by the time I tried to sleuth. I'm still filling out the paperwork but have stopped talking about it to him. 

He knows I've started the paperwork to D but still denies anything. Has anyone had their WS come clean after you filed? He says he doesn't want to D.


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

To your title, no why would they, because it removes their chance of rewriting marital history.


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

But if they do, it's just to rub s*** in your face. You think too much of cheaters.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Would it matter? Would you really want to remain married to someone who could betray you like this and continue to lie to your face about it for this long?

Dont you deserve better than that?


----------



## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Cheaters lie, then lie some more.
Cheaters lie to their spouse while cheating.
" I would never cheat I love you "
Cheaters even lie to their cheating partner,
" I would leave them but the kids, bills etc."

If you are done with the lies and cheating 
move on. Just don't ever expect the truth
from a known liar and cheater.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Regarding "coming clean," my RSXW might have taken a damp wash cloth and wiped herself down where her other men had been, but an apology?

Are you seriously kidding me?*


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Even when I showed proof my then wife denied anything more than " friends". Then one day she confessed.."Yes I have been seeing someone, yes I am in love with him". Then she went right back to denying everything, it was bizarre.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

growing10 said:


> Don't have any evidence other than him freaking out when I found what I found. Like many, I showed my cards immediately so stuff could have been deleted/discarded by the time I tried to sleuth. I'm still filling out the paperwork but have stopped talking about it to him.
> 
> He knows I've started the paperwork to D but still denies anything. Has anyone had their WS come clean after you filed? He says he doesn't want to D.


Make sure that he knows that part of the reason you are divorcing him is because you are not going to live with a liar. See what happens. He cant carry on in denial and expect you to want to be with him.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

This isn't a court of law. You don't need concrete evidence, smoking gun, etc.

As everyone has said. Cheaters all lie a lot. Why would they change that?


----------



## growing10 (Oct 9, 2019)

I just asked a simple question - what's with the judging?


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

My ex still denied it even though her own family caught her on a date with the other guy, and he admitted it. Apparently there was a whole argument with her uncle in a restaurant. 

She still stuck to the story that everyone made it all up, even a decade later, from what I hear.


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

growing10 said:


> I just asked a simple question - what's with the judging?


How do you mean?


----------



## growing10 (Oct 9, 2019)

3Xnocharm said:


> Would it matter? Would you really want to remain married to someone who could betray you like this and continue to lie to your face about it for this long?
> 
> Dont you deserve better than that?


I'm going to divorce him anyway - the lying is a big part, yes, but other disrespectful actions (unrelated) were the nail in the coffin. 

To me it matters knowing the truth. Seeing him at least grow up a bit as I'm walking out the door would help - especially for our childrens' sake.


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

If he admitted to everything right now, would it change anything? Would you still divorce him? 

If there is no chance of reconciling, why would he confess? Yes, he should, but he has already proven that he has poor character. So is it really a shock that he is staying in character? 

My wife cheated and she confessed everything. It took a while but everything did come out. A lot of it around the time we were separating. She will answer any question imaginable. Most people won't do that, though. Especially when you are divorcing anyway. She did because she genuinely wants to stay together and is remorseful. 

I know it would be nice to get a confession and apology from him, but you need to accept that you probably won't. If you cannot move forward without, then you are letting him control your life. Don't do that!


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

growing10 said:


> Has anyone had their WS come clean after you filed?


No, I had to hire a maid service.


----------



## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Married but Happy said:


> No, I had to hire a maid service.


excellent


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

growing10 said:


> I'm going to divorce him anyway - the lying is a big part, yes, but other disrespectful actions (unrelated) were the nail in the coffin.
> 
> To me it matters knowing the truth. Seeing him at least grow up a bit as I'm walking out the door would help - especially for our childrens' sake.


At best, he may come clean because he has no other option but to use the truth (or some version of it) in an attempt to get you to stay. Think about that for a second. He may come clean not because he is an honest person who gets it, but because he has/had no other option to get what he wants.

To your original question, my exH and I both cheated. I was open about it. He is a chronic liar. Not just about cheating, but everything. So, early in our ill-conceived marriage, I found phone bills with a certain number repeated over and over only when I was at work or with my family. I'd heard a rumor he was talking to someone he knew who used to live in the area, had moved out of state, come back to visit, and reconnected with him. She called when I would usually be at work and he happened to be out. We talked. She had no idea I existed. Yes, they were involved. They'd been together when she was in state visiting and he'd been future faking her hard. I asked she call back when he would be there. She did.

I stood there with months of phone bills covered in highlighter where I emphasized her number in one hand and the actual woman on the phone in the other hand and he _still_ denied everything.

You know he cheated. You don't need him to admit it. He likely won't.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Tilted 1 said:


> But if they do, it's just to rub s*** in your face.


Yep. All I had to do was "discover"...no divorce, no threats of divorce, not even a threat of leaving. She enjoyed her "confession".


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

TJW said:


> Yep. All I had to do was "discover"...no divorce, no threats of divorce, not even a threat of leaving. She enjoyed her "confession".


Sorry man,


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No. I only ever got acknowledgment of what I could prove and even then, according to my ex-husband, none of it was really what I thought it was. Cheaters don't like to tell the truth. It doesn't benefit them. Call it Lie and Deny. 

My ex-husband didn't want a divorce either but it didn't matter because by that point I did.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

growing10 said:


> I just asked a simple question - what's with the judging?


No one is judging. We'll all trying to explain how very rare a cheater telling the truth is.


----------



## growing10 (Oct 9, 2019)

I have read that filing for divorce is pretty much the only thing that MAY force your cheater/liar to have their wake up call. 

Last week I told him the papers were ready and I was talking to professionals. He was unbelievably upset and ran out to to get in touch with one of our children. It was a crazy day. He had scheduled an appointment with his IC for this week. Trust me, I am as cynical as they come and I don't believe anything anymore. He had this new look in his eyes and was excited to go to IC (previously he was pissed and fought it all the way). He came home and was going on and on about what he talked about. He has scheduled 6 more appointments for the next few weeks. He says he's ready to face his demons (we know now what many of them are coupled with a boatload of anxiety issues). Therapist has given him questionnaires to complete for his next visit. 

Obviously I will take a wait and see stance here. He has shown more vulnerability lately and I can see him struggling with these personality corrections. He keeps saying he has to do it for himself and he doesn't want to lose me/us. I do recognize he has a lot of issues relating to his childhood that have caused him to use certain tools to act the way he does. I too have learned of my own and have taken steps to improve myself.

I have the divorce paperwork done and I know what to do. I can do it today or wait a month and see what happens. I figure I'll sit back and see what unfolds for a little while.


----------

