# DumbDude lives up to his name



## DumbDude (Jul 27, 2013)

Hi TAM peoples,

I seem to have followed the pretty standard procedure of lurking for a while and then posting my miserable story… here goes...

I would like to preface this by saying, this is my side of the story. Totally biased, no apologies for that.

Late last year, my wife and I owned a business. The business kept her busy while I had a day job. We have 2 x young kids (now 2 & 4). 

One day I found an Australia post (you missed your delivery slip) and my wife had written on it with friendly talk to the ape that delivers our mail. I didn't think too much of it because she takes a lot of deliveries for the business (not just from Aus post).

I then noticed she 'friended' him on Facebook. Suspicions were raised. Next thing she emails me asking if they can be friends and hang out to which I say 'no, I don't think that's appropriate'. 

One day she tells me she is going to the shops, takes our youngest girl and heads off. I am a little suspect. I use the 'find my phone' thing to discover she is somewhere in the suburbs at a residential address. I ring her… the conversation went something like this:
me: "hi"
her: "hi"
me: "i was just wondering if you could get me some xxx from the shops?"
her: "yeah sure, it'll be a little while tho"
me: "where are you? it sounds quiet"
her: "just in a clothes shop"

alarm bells are ringing at this point. Now this is where hindsight is great. Had I known then, what I now know things would be different today! Anyway, I confronted her to which it took a bit of effort but she admitted to going to this guys house. At this point in time I was not aware of the damaging effect that an EA could have on a relationship. So we had an argument etc… life went on.

Fast forward to March this year. She leaves her email open on the computer. I still have this sneaking suspicion… so I do a search for the guys name. Bingo - 1 result. She bought some crap for him at xmas time and there was an email to the vendor telling them the note should say "Dear OM, happy xmas, love WW xxx"

I forward this to her and say: "explain"

I receive a mail back saying "it was a mistake". I then question her some more receiving absolutely nothing. So while she is away from her phone I grab it and have a quick look, no messages stick out. I take a backup on my computer. I then use some software to deconstruct the backup… voila

Turns out all the picture messages you send with your iPhone are saved even after deletion. Thanks apple. She had been sending sexts to this guy. Oh and I discover pics of him… and TWO OTHER GUYS!

My body goes into overdrive, heart beating, everything seems surreal. I can't believe my eyes. Pics of my wife pretty much nude being sent to 3 different guys (That I know about).

I confront, receive lies - trickle fed some truth. She maintains that it was never physical. I move in with my parents (yes, I would love to kick her out but, as I work full time looking after my 2 x kids is impossible and I don't particularly want to make them homeless).

I have a week away thinking, missing my kids feeling sorry for myself etc. I then decide - ok, I love my kids, I will give this a try. I want my kids to have a happy family life…

I go back. She had a long planned trip to the races on a Saturday very soon after my return. Yes, I know - at the time I thought "this will be a good test. see if she actually can control herself, come home at a reasonable hour"

No chance… she gets blind drunk. I wake up at 3am, still not home. I try calling, no answer. I send a text and I receive a reply immediately.
me: "are you ok? this is unacceptable"
her: "yes and I know"
me: "where are you?"
her: "local club, sick in bathroom" (note, when I say club - this is a big club in the area with poker machines, bars etc.)

I am obviously not buying this story. She rocks up stinking of booze. I notice as she plugs in her phone that it has lots of charge. Not bad for an iPhone that she told me was running out of battery about 6 hours ago. So she passes out, I grab her phone and look for evidence. I don't find anything to totally condemn her apart from the charge in her phone.

Next day I confront. Turns out she got very drunk and met up with OM. She was so drunk that OM's parents came to pick her up and take him and her to their house…. apparently. Also apparently nothing physical happened.

I move back in with parents. My hiatus is longer. I have one weakness - and that is my kids. She plays the manipulation game very well and I move back in. Given the gift of hindsight I realise what a royal idiot I am.

We are together for a few months. Things are ok. 

One day I wake up and have clarity. Its like I have been in a fog for the past few months - perhaps shock. All of a sudden I know that I cannot be with this woman. I love my kids but me being a miserable a-hole around them is not going to be good for them long term.
A few days go by and I await a good time to tell her that I don't want this marriage anymore. Turns out there is no good time. Saturday morning she pulls me aside and says "is something wrong, you aren't being nice to me"

So I tell her that I don't want this marriage etc. She leaves saying that this weekend is my weekend with my girls. Fine by me.

Lots of text messages get sent to my phone this day. The next day she comes back, wants to talk. Starts asking me all these questions to try and sway my decision.

I ask her where she slept… no prizes for guessing this one. That's right the OM's place.

Now I sit here typing up this feeling a huge sense of loss. I have lost my family, my wife, my kids, the security and consistency of my life.

The thing that really gets to me is my kids. These poor kids have barely started their journey and already they are in for a rough ride. I love them so much and miss them dearly.

Sorry for the long post, but I feel better to have shared (even with strangers).

Thanks to all the others that have shared also… I feel your pain.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

She actually had the nerve to try and sway you away from ending the M after coming home from the POS's house?

She is really living in la la land.

Does she still try to deny this was a PA? (And who knows about the other scumbags, they very well might be as well)

Serve her with D papers ASAP. Only speak with her about the kids and the divorce.

She has to see and feel that everything she has in life is about to be lost. Only then might she finally wake up and have true remorse about what she has done.

Only when she has true remorse and is willing to come completely clean with the facts about everything that has gone on should you even think about changing your course and trying to see if this can be fixed.

Expose the affair to both of your families after you file so she cannot paint you out as a monster to gain support as you proceed with the divorce.

And report this POS to his employer. I doubt they will be thrilled to learn that one of their deliverymen is a scumbag who is having affairs with married women.

And tell his parents about the A as well. I wonder if they knew the woman they picked up with their son was married with kids?


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## biola (Dec 28, 2012)

Apply the 180.Give her the conditions for reconciliation if you ever change your mind in the future,which will include no contact with the OM,total transperency with her whereabouts and passwords on any device e.t.c.If she is reluctant to do any of this to save her marriage,then you know where you stand in her order of priorities.File for divorce and go for full custody,if this doesn't snap her out of the fog,NOTHING will.I'm very sorry for the loss of your marriage,allow whatever emotion your going through to filter out of your body.Its very hard to imagine going through this because of the one person that suppose to have our back no matter what. Come here to vent your frustrations and please take care of yourself,exercise, eat,go out and catch up with your buddies.Also be there for your kids!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Sorry life has brought you here at such a young age. I just couldn't break that cycle, you did...I kept going for 20 yrs till it nearly killed everthing in me...my heart and spirit was nearly dead by then. Hubby finally got a brain and finally grew up and realized what an complete a** he had been and decided to be a husband...that was 10 yrs ago. I know your in a lot of pain right now...but you had to break the cycle of a serial cheater....waiting one out can take a lifetime....and the price you pay is very costly. Stay on the forum there will be a lot of good advise to come.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

1. You are not a dumb dude.
2. You did exceptionally well. No fool, no blind belief in her. No accepting her crap easily and blindly moving forward.

The only thing you didn't do which could have made the whole thing easier for you and brought the issue to a head quicker is to make her face the serious consequences of her serious actions. i.e. throwing her out, exposure, no contact letters etc. I realise that you can't look after your girls and a full time job...bit there are ways. Take some time off work to arrange childcare? Have your wayward look after the girls while you work and then she leaves to her place she has to leave to. 

Maybe you have done some of this already, but certainly, if you haven't there is no reason to not start now. You already know a lot of the processes seeing as you have been lurking for some time. Make her face her consequences. Because right now she is thinking no further than her own shallow pleasures while thinking nothing of anyone who is affected in life changing ways by them. Primarily, her husband and children.


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## DumbDude (Jul 27, 2013)

Thanks for the replies.

I feel somewhat better just telling my story.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

DumbDude, as long as it's going to be "your fault" that the marriage failed, she will NEVER be trust worthy. Asuming the two children were fathered by you, I suspect they will be growing up in a "broken" family.
Sorry


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

DD, this situation is a tough one to swallow with one person, much less knowing there are other guys in the mix. She is following the serial cheaters script. I know what you are feeling at this point. Rage, confusion, numbness, not eating, sleeping etc... This is normal it will pass in time. At what point do nuke this crap and not hurt the kids. The answer is never. You just do it and attempt to do damage control as best you can. 
Right now you don't trust her and you probably won't ever the way you did before this mayhem. She is in the fog and until she comes out of that by way of you exposing her to friends, family anyone. She won't quit. You should do the standard stuff. STD check, VAR, phone records and so on. Keep coming here for help, we will assist you in your time of need. Good luck. BTW people here will give it to you straight, don't be offended it's all to help not hurt.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Tell her you will be doing DNA tests on the kids to make sure they are yours. I know in your heart they are yours and you would probably not want to do the tests, but that is not the main reason for the test. You want to shock your wife and make her realize the impact her cheating has on everyone's lives and just how untrustworthy she is.

ETA: Oh, and you are not dumb. We are all here because we loved and trusted our spouses and hoped they would do the right thing.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

I would DNA test the kids kits are about 100 dollars each.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Brother,

She is gone... That doppleganger you have is NOT the wife you thought you did. She is trying to have her cake and eat it too. Figure out support for the kids then look to get away from her. She is toxic.


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## Carlchurchill (Jan 23, 2013)

She's is nasty!!!! What did u do to deserve this? 
I'm speechless because she does it so openly!


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

1. Get tested for STD's
2. Find a great lawyer.

You are not dumb but a very caring and loving father.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

DD, 

Yes, you made some mistakes, just like I did, just like all BS's do. Emotions are a hard thing to control. Get your act together and you'll be OK. Right now you need to adjust your mindset to the following philosophy:

*I am headed straight for divorce. I'm going to talk to an attorney, get my financial ducks in a row, and make sure my kids are taken care of. I will remain separated from her, implement the 180 to detach from her, expose her to her family, my family, his family and his job.

It is unlikely that I will even consider R with her. But if I were to; it would only be if she stops contacts, begs for forgiveness, and demonstrates unconditional remorse. Even then, I won't stop the divorce process immediately.*

You should "expect" to divorce her, and "expect" her not to show remorse. In the unlikely event that she does - check back with us. We know what a remorseful CS looks like and we know how to test that remorse.

Sorry you're here, but good luck and keep posting.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Double d 
Paternity test the kids ASAP. It is cheap and private. You do not need your wife to participate if she refuses. Spend a few minutes on google and you will get several results. 
Get checked for stds 
Exposé to everyone if you wish. Especially true if you want a chance at reconciliation


If it were me. I would file and put her in my rearview mirror
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Dumb it sounds like your wife has been Wayward for a long time. Especially since you found out about the two other men. There used to be a site called doc cool and it was about having affairs. The thing that sticks out is that it takes time to find OM and groom them. So each OM she had took time to groom, select, and develop a relationship with. This is not something that just happened and isn't something that is your fault. Your wife is a serial cheater and her own issues lead to the cheating. Whatever problems you two had in your marriage became moot as soon as she stepped outside of the boundaries of marriage. The best thing you can do is get your kids let someone at your business run things for a little while and you kick your wife out. Your wife needs the safety net jerked out from under her feet.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

in 2010 my wife and I had a rule about FB. IF a woman friend requested me I run it by the wife and she the same with a guy. Well a guy friend requested her a few days prior to my b-day. He looked clean, M, two kids, involved in a Baptist church where his dad is one of the pastors,. He played the same game my wife played and I said, OK. I come home on my b-day sick. My wife and I were planning on going out but I have a temp of 102. My wife told me to go to bed. That evening at 11 P.M. she gets a message from the dude that says "you are pretty". Next morning I am in the hospital with Rocky Moutain Spotted Fever. Over a month later I find out she is sexting this dude and had been since my b-day. Up till 5 A.M., up again at 7 A.M. with me laying beside her in bed while she is doing this. Then the PA a year later with another FB dude.

You are not dumb. You just never expected it.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I understand you are in the middle of having your life turned upside down and everything seems bleak for you and your children but you are going to do great and so are your kids.

Yes it will be difficult for a while but you and your kids will be so much worse off on the long run if you stay with your wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

Sorry that you are here.

You need to file for divorce ASAP. Protect your kids and finances. Don't leave the house, kick her out instead. She has lost the right to be in the marital home. Always keep a VAR with you so that she cannot file any false charge against you.

Test yourself for STDs and if you want to DNA test the kids. You can never believe a cheater.

You might also want to start IC for the kids. Might help them to cope better. This is a highly impressionable time for them.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Tell her parents. They need to know. Tell HIS business that he is trying to seduce the customers, one of which has lead to a divorce. Ask specifically about what professional codes of conduct they have and if these actions violate them. This may do nothing, but it may also get him reprimanded, transferred, or fired.

These results make angels smile.


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## DumbDude (Jul 27, 2013)

Thanks for the kind words of support.

Thanks for the suggestion of a paternity test. The kids look a lot like me, but I will look into it anyway. Not everything was as it seemed in our relationship either!


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Glad to see you are still reading and posting Dude.

So, is she still trying to claim that this has not been a PA?

If she is still gaslighting you on this its a clear sign she has no true remorse for her actions and is trying to get you to rugsweep this situation quickly so she can get you back to support her while she continues to live a single life.

If she is still denying PA, she is trying to get you to accept that his is just a friendship and you should not be tearing your family's life apart over it...in other words you are overreacting and need to calm down and return things to normal.

If you buy this story, she will continue to treat your M with disrespect.


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## dc366 (May 25, 2011)

What are you doing? Go grow some balls. Kick her out, get a divorce. You are behaving like she is the dominant one and you can put up with her cheating. 

Sleep with 10 other women including her best friend.

Do not contact her and lead a fun life.

Your happiness should not be dependent on her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

DumbDude said:


> Hi TAM peoples,
> 
> I seem to have followed the pretty standard procedure of lurking for a while and then posting my miserable story… here goes...
> 
> ...


Sadly, we aren't strangers. We're your new group of friends who have been through similar troubled times to you.

We are here for you.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Double D

Your not going to lose your kids. Get that thought out of your head NOW! Just as long as they know you love them and will be there for them you won't lose your children. Granted you won't have as much time as you did to be with them, but it's not the amount of time, but quality time that counts. I know this for a fact because I have gone through it. My wife and I got divorced (Married twice) but I never divorced my children. 

Honestly, having children in a toxic relationship is worse than any divorce unless both parents are so ignorant that they either use the kids as a weapon or spew their dirty laundry in front of them.


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## DumbDude (Jul 27, 2013)

6301 said:


> Double D
> 
> *Your not going to lose your kids. Get that thought out of your head NOW!* Just as long as they know you love them and will be there for them you won't lose your children. Granted you won't have as much time as you did to be with them, but it's not the amount of time, but quality time that counts. I know this for a fact because I have gone through it. My wife and I got divorced (Married twice) but I never divorced my children.
> 
> Honestly, having children in a toxic relationship is worse than any divorce unless both parents are so ignorant that they either use the kids as a weapon or spew their dirty laundry in front of them.


Thanks for the reassurance.

I spoke to her last night. Definitely not remorseful and still denying PA. It doesn't really matter at this point whether it was a PA or not, it's only really for my own morbid curiosity.

I am starting to come to terms with the thought that this marriage is over. Don't get me wrong, it hurts but I feel a bit more in control of emotion though.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I have no advice. 

I'm sorry she has done this. She doesn't know the gravity of her selfish actions. But she will. By then it will be too late and you will be better.

You are not dumb. It took great strength and courage to tell her what you did. A "dumb" guy would have just plugged along and endured her bullcrap.

She wanted to cake eat. She was being nice to you so she wouldn't lose her family but she was sleeping with him. Ew.

Your girls and you will be fine in time. It's an adjustment for sure. In a month or so, you will enjoy NOT having that suspicious feeling anymore. You will just be you. To hell with what she's doing. She's digging her own grave. You need to live.

This sucks, no doubt. But the good news is that you will be ok. Can't say the same for her. Her mistake will slap her hard in time. But choose you. You and your girls.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

DumbDude said:


> Thanks for the reassurance.
> 
> I spoke to her last night. Definitely not remorseful and still denying PA. It doesn't really matter at this point whether it was a PA or not, it's only really for my own morbid curiosity.
> 
> I am starting to come to terms with the thought that this marriage is over. Don't get me wrong, it hurts but I feel a bit more in control of emotion though.


Let family on both sides know what happened so she can't gaslight them. Hey I'm not saying to do it but ask her if she would take a polygraph, more for her reaction that should be telling.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You did ask her if she knew anyone on planet earth that would believe her stories, right? You did ask her if she was trying to save her family why she went to the POSOM's house?


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

DD,

The only bearing her denying the PA has on your situation is, since she is still denying despite the fact that basic common sense screams the opposite, it is clear evidence to you that she has no remorse and is frantically trying to minimize and rugsweep this entire situation so she can get you back under her spell/control.

Do not fall for it or you will be in a world of misery for a long time.

File papers and go dark on her except where it concerns kids or the divorce.

You have to show her the reality of what she is about to lose if you are going to have any chance of snapping her out of this fog and trying to save your M.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

DumbDude said:


> Thanks for the reassurance.
> 
> I spoke to her last night.* Definitely not remorseful and still denying PA. It doesn't really matter at this point whether it was a PA or not, it's only really for my own morbid curiosity*.
> 
> I am starting to come to terms with the thought that this marriage is over. Don't get me wrong, it hurts but I feel a bit more in control of emotion though.


 Well, I'll help you satisfy that curiosity. Dude, she's HAS slept with this guy and she's BEEN sleeping with this guy. Out of all the places she could have went to over that weekend, she chosen to stay with the OM. Oh, and do you think that she slept on the couch? A woman that has an emotional connection with a guy and she's just learned that her husband knows the truth and wants out of a sham marriage? Yeah, this guy would NEVER would exploit that vulnerability......*puke* 

Dude, time to walk away from the lies. You said it yourself! She's not truthful and she's not remorseful.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

crossbar said:


> Well, I'll help you satisfy that curiosity. Dude, she's HAS slept with this guy and she's BEEN sleeping with this guy. Out of all the places she could have went to over that weekend, she chosen to stay with the OM. Oh, and do you think that she slept on the couch? A woman that has an emotional connection with a guy and she's just learned that her husband knows the truth and wants out of a sham marriage? Yeah, this guy would NEVER would exploit that vulnerability......*puke*
> 
> Dude, time to walk away from the lies. You said it yourself! She's not truthful and she's not remorseful.


Last year I went to IC. I had a good counselor. I wanted to work on my issues. The counselor dismissed my issues she just glossed over them and kept focusing on my wife (who she never met). I am a counselor myself and this was starting to pis* me off that my counselor was dismissing the issues I wanted to deal with in myself. She kept focusing on the fact that my wife keeps disrespecting me. This went on for months. I thought my wife's A was over (It wasn't). Looking back on my IC experience the counselor was correct, my wife had no respect for me, none. The counselor was also correct in what she kept me focused on. My issues were small potatos, the counselor figured out quickly that I was not the problem, my issues were not the problem, my wife was. My wife lied and lied, never gave me anything to hang onto, dismissed me, all the while telling me she loved me, etc. It was not until she finally came to her senses in May of this year, confessed everything and repented.

Some of us BS'ers can or will go to great lengths to get the WS to turn, win them back, or whatever. We look like doormats, fools, idiots, or any number of things, and in some cases that is exactly what we become. we are in some cases pushed into panic mode by our wiring, mental state or stupidity. We are not in our correct frame of mind. And then there is denial.

Until your wife confesses to what is so clear to many of us following your thread and I suspect you know as well, you will be in hel* land. When I put the VAR in my wife's car and heard her moans and played it back to her she still denied it (to me). This phase is hel* and that is where you are. You don't want to bale out. I was there, too many times. I do understand. But like some are saying this dude is doing your wife and your wife is doing the happy dance with this dude, all at your expence. 

Stop engaging her. Go black on her. After D-day in February, for the most part, all I said to my wife was that I love you and I am praying for you, (I did this for several months) as I was in the process of D. I even wrote my wife a letter stating that I am filing for D out of love. I could not legally kick her out, my attorney told me to watch what I say or do, we lived in the same house. It was hel*. I never gave up on my wife's soul, but I gave up on the M and was at peace with that.

You have to get to the point of letting her go. Brother, no matter what you do it will suc*, so let her go, it will suc*, but what you are doing suc*s, stop letting her disrespect you.


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## DumbDude (Jul 27, 2013)

Hey guys, I'm back...

I have been keeping my distance from WW and I think this has helped her realise what she could lose...

She wants me to return to her... Now if we didn't have kids this would be easy. I would say "hell no!"

I have been thinking about things she would need to do to become transparent... The list I have is:

N contact letter (which I review and ensure is sent)
Change mobile phone no
Passwords for Internet accounts (Facebook, etc)
No contact with male "friend(s)" without prior approval
No new male friends without approval

I have two questions...

1. Have I missed anything important from the above list?

2. How do I enforce this? It would not be very hard to create another email / fb account etc. call people from pay phones etc.

Surely the level of paranoia I need to maintain in order to keep the WW I check cannot be healthy. Does anyone have any tips?


Thanks 
DD


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

DD,

Be cautious about her true level of remorse.

Is she still gaslighting you about what happened?

Of course she wants you back, and the sooner the better so her life can get back to normal.

But do not let her rugsweep this. If you do, she may very well put on the appearance of being sorry and transparent until the drama dies down, but without a real confession and true remorse from her you will be setting yourself up for a repeat.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

She needs to be completely open about her affairs. She needs to write out what she did, when, how often, what she said, timeline, why, etc. She needs to bare her soul about the affair(s) in order for you to accept that she's remorseful.

Otherwise, it'll just eats you up, slowly but surely. You'll feel stuck. Not a good place to be.

You need to have full disclosure from her in order for you to move on. If she cant do that for you, then you'll be in years of anger and resentment if you decide to really reconcile.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Schedule a polygraph, counseling, get a prenup that if she continues to cheat that she gets nothing, and file for divorce. You can always stop the divorce if she changes. Tell her to tell the truth, no more trickle truth and is there more than one OM?


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## DumbDude (Jul 27, 2013)

She is still saying it never went physical with the om.

There was two other guys she was texting. These were ex's. as far as I am aware she broke off contact with these prior to d-day

Polygraph is a good suggestion, thanks. Obviously I don't know what truly happened but she maintains there was no pa.
A poly may help me put my mind at ease..

I have IC scheduled and she says she is willing to come along and make it MC.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Still gaslighting huh?

Then a poly is a must. Tell her that if it comes back she is lying at all about anything, you are going straight to D because you will not be played for a fool.

Tell her that this is her last chance to tell you what happened and still have a shot at fixing this. You will not even listen to her after the poly if she fails.

Chances are that most likely you will get a confession of anything she is hiding right before the test.

DD, do her explanations of why she stayed with this POS and what happened even make any sense to you?

Or are they so outlandish that you would have to be a fool to even think they are true?


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## DumbDude (Jul 27, 2013)

Dyokemm said:


> Still gaslighting huh?
> 
> Then a poly is a must. Tell her that if it comes back she is lying at all about anything, you are going straight to D because you will not be played for a fool.
> 
> ...


Well, the excuses for seeing the om are believable however my gut tells me (just like you guys) that more went on.

Oddly enough she just called me up and went ballistic about being treated like a criminal on a polygraph etc. very telling IMO.

Perhaps I am just gullible...


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I think this may say a great deal. If she was innocent she should more than willing to to do the polygraph and then tell you it will cost you like taking her on vacation. Her response to you indicates that she is now petrified that the truth will come out. She is in damage control. I think her reaction may have already told you all you need to know.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

Dude you have to polygraph that is the central step for you to move on. Tell her you have zero trust in her and this is the step you need to start building it. If she balks at that then you know it went PA. Hopes are with you.


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## DumbDude (Jul 27, 2013)

bryanp said:


> I think this may say a great deal. If she was innocent she should more than willing to to do the polygraph and then tell you it will cost you like taking her on vacation. Her response to you indicates that she is now petrified that the truth will come out. She is in damage control. I think her reaction may have already told you all you need to know.


Yep, I think what is unsaid is more telling than what is said...


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

Push the poly its SOP in this situation. If she says no it means GUILTY it she says yea then you may hear everything in the parking lot on the way in. Sorry to say but she did him. Same pattern over and over. Stay away from her and get in control do not show her any emotions
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DumbDude (Jul 27, 2013)

southernsurf said:


> Push the poly its SOP in this situation. If she says no it means GUILTY it she says yea then you may hear everything in the parking lot on the way in. Sorry to say but she did him. Same pattern over and over. Stay away from her and get in control do not show her any emotions
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I didn't need to wait for the parking lot. She (kinda) admitted that its been a PA.

I got a text "what you believe may be correct"

This basically confirms everything even if the language is so non-committal.

So now I find that it's one thing to suspect a PA but a whole other thing to have those thoughts confirmed... I think deep down my brain wanted to believe her so we could save our marriage.

It's been about 5 months since dday and the whole time she has been lying. How can I trust again?


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

Get the details without them you don't know what you are forgiving.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

DumbDude said:


> It's been about 5 months since dday and the whole time she has been lying. How can I trust again?


When you are calm and when you can handle it tell her it is necessary she gives you an exact timeline. Whatever you do, don't make a promise that it will save the marriage.


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

DumbDude said:


> I didn't need to wait for the parking lot. She (kinda) admitted that its been a PA.
> 
> I got a text "what you believe may be correct"
> 
> ...


You can't trust her she is in damage control. You are right about reality hits hard now, very painful to the bone, no doubt of PA, this is true pain, I was there with you strung along. I had one last cry in private, went dark and ended it. It worked out for me not for her. Do not show her your pain and today you can finally plan your future. Stay Strong!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

life101 said:


> Sorry that you are here.
> 
> You need to file for divorce ASAP. Protect your kids and finances. Don't leave the house, kick her out instead. She has lost the right to be in the marital home. Always keep a VAR with you so that she cannot file any false charge against you.
> 
> ...



Same advice. Again.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

DumbDude said:


> I didn't need to wait for the parking lot. She (kinda) admitted that its been a PA.
> 
> I got a text "what you believe may be correct"
> 
> ...


This is why I suggest polygraph in case of a confusion. Just the threat of it does bring out the truth many times.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

DD,

I'm sorry for you. I know this sucks now, but it will prove to be the first step for you out of this nightmare.

She is desperate now. That's why you have finally gotten this halfhearted admission of guilt.

But her language and attitude still do not represent that she truly understands the gravity of the situation she has created and show an angry/bitter reaction that she has been forced to admit anything at all.

I can almost hear her saying, " Fine, there, are you satisfied now?"

She still needs to wake up from her fantasyland.

File for D and do not stop until she is finally owning this situation completely and is remorsefully begging for you to give her a chance to save it.

And definitely, now that you know, absolutely destroy this POS with his employer. If you inform them this scumbag helped destroy your M and family life, he will get his sorry a** fired.

Show him no mercy. This trash just helped to destroy your children's family.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

DumbDude said:


> Hey guys, I'm back...
> 
> I have been keeping my distance from WW and I think this has helped her realise what she could lose...
> 
> ...




You are living up to your name alright


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

A lot of the advice suggests that you must break her. She must be willing to tell all horrid details so that she cannot harbor fond memories of sex and affection. Especially important are the moments of moral choice. He joked in a flirting way and she encouraged him. Afterwards she must have thought about it and decided to go on. This exploration of what happened will show that the affair sex gave a super buzz that one postman could not satisfy.

Will she ever give up her instinctual hunger for strange? It may be normal but not acceptable to you?

One disadvantage with divorce is that she will likely run through many partners, exposing your children to instability.

Does she enjoy sex with you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

DumbDude said:


> ..... Saturday morning she pulls me aside and says "is something wrong, _*you aren't being nice to me"*_
> .


:lol: the sheer 'front' of these people

Really you couldn't make it up!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

CEL said:


> Get the details without them you don't know what you are forgiving.


:iagree:

This should be non-negotiable. *Full Disclosure or no Reconciliation*.

She has to *EARN* her chance at R. R is a precious, precious gift. Any BS that attempts to force R will just end up in False R.


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

DD, come on. You're trying to sell us an island in the desert. Doesn't exist, just as your marriage. Divorce her. If she comes back from the dead than that's a different story.


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## ohno (Jul 11, 2013)

DD this is a nightmare story and I am so sorry you are going through it. She is so not worth you. Get out of there buddy. I have worked for a PI firm for years and can honestly say that infidelity is much easier proven than fidelity. In fact it is almost impossible to prove that someone is not cheating, without 24 hour close physical and electronic surveillance. 

If I were you I would do anything necessary to get maximum custody of my kids, and cut all ties with her. She is a lost cause, sorry. You and your kids aren't. She made herself not part of your family, you didn't do that. You would probably kill to keep her in your family. Your family is not broke, she is. Don't you be broke also, your kids need you now more than ever. 

Hang in there and do the right thing.


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## DumbDude (Jul 27, 2013)

So after all this... she has admitted the PA. The whole 'trust your gut' thing was absolutely on the money.

She has slept with him... she doesn't know how many times. That gives me some idea of the magnitude...

I have done the 180 and her attitude towards everything has changed. Now she is sorry, she admits that this is her fault etc.

It seems we all want what we cant have.


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## DumbDude (Jul 27, 2013)

So after all this... she has admitted the PA. The whole 'trust your gut' thing was absolutely on the money.

She has slept with him... she doesn't know how many times. That gives me some idea of the magnitude...

I have done the 180 and her attitude towards everything has changed. Now she is sorry, she admits that this is her fault etc.

It seems we all want what we cant have.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

Get her admission and any other evidence in writing or on VAR, and D her.
It's you and your kids now.


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## DumbDude (Jul 27, 2013)

Yep, had a VAR in my pocket while she was owning up. Unfortunately the audio isnt great...


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## Iver (Mar 8, 2013)

Not much to add but if you do want to stay married (?) to her she needs to admit to any other affairs and tell you who among her friends knew about the affair. 

You'd have to Poly her on this of course.

Sorry to say but you do need to get tested for STD's as well. 

Demand that she do the same and get the results IN WRITING from her.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

DumbDude said:


> So after all this... she has admitted the PA. The whole 'trust your gut' thing was absolutely on the money.
> 
> She has slept with him... she doesn't know how many times. That gives me some idea of the magnitude...
> 
> ...


She is only sorry she is caught. Don't Don't Don't believe a word she says!!! Cheaters are liars by the very definition. She has no idea how many times she [email protected] him. Every time she did that she lied to you a dozen tomes. Do the math. She lied for what 5 months? She tricked truth you and rode you through emotional hell. Do not believe a word she says!!!


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

DumbDude said:


> Yep, had a VAR in my pocket while she was owning up. Unfortunately the audio isnt great...


Audio can be cleaned up.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

You are out of the house and she is in the family home correct? 

Word of advice, when she starts telling you she cheated all these years because it is your fault please laugh at her and tell her to drop dead.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

badcompany said:


> Get her admission and any other evidence in writing or on VAR,


That would be rather pointless. 

Courts don't care about infidelity.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

DD,

Now you need to take some time to reflect for yourself.

You need to decide if this is something you even want to try and save now that you know her betrayal is as bad as you feared.

You need to decide if her remorse is true enough to even try a reconciliation, because you don't want to try to save this only to have her do it again after things return to a new normalcy.

Do not fool yourself into thinking you can ever go back to the way things were in your relationship before (I mean the good times). Your old M is dead and gone. You will be facing building an entirely new relationship with her. 

Pining away for what you two once shared will not be a good way for you to approach this.

And you haven't mentioned if you have taken steps to expose POS and get him fired.

Do it. 

Firstly because he deserves the consequences for destroying your M and kid's family life. Secondly, if you do decide to R with your WW, you need to make sure this POS is totally out of the picture. If you expose this scumbag and threaten his livelihood, he will do everything he can to avoid you WW in the future in order to save himself from consequences.

This will help keep this crap from starting up again.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Dyokemm is right.

Time is on your side.

So you have confirmed that your wife has been playing you the whole time.

She has confirmed she is a cheat and a liar.

So use the time wisely.

Go see an attorney for a consultation. Know your rights. Do not tell her you are doing this.

Are you in the US? If yes what state?

Then take some time to feel your wife out and see if she wants in or out of the marriage. Then decide what you want....

In the end it is your decision. 

Protect yourself and your kids. That is what matters.

Your wife is broken DD. You can't fix her. And she needs to do the hard work to fix herself before you can even begin to work on the marriage.

If she has trickled you for 5 months it is likely she has a lot more truth to tell you.

HM64


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

lenzi said:


> That would be rather pointless.
> 
> Courts don't care about infidelity.


Australian courts?


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## DumbDude (Jul 27, 2013)

Hi All,

Thanks for your responses.

I have been to the doc to get tested for STD's - just need to make another visit for the results.

I am in Australia. It doesn't matter who is at fault for the marriage break up she will get a substantial chunk of the assets (either 60/40 or 70/30). This is according to my solicitor.

So apparently she does want the marriage. I dont know whether to believe this or not. As I am the sole provider her life would get rather difficult without my pay coming in and paying for everything. I feel like she is just trying to save her lifestyle.

To her credit she has done some things that suggest she wants to make amends.

- She wrote an no contact letter and sent it to me for approval 
- She went to see my counselor (even though I told her I am not paying)
- She has agreed to handover passwords to FB and Email
- She has agreed to do a poly
- She agreed to hand in her iphone

That's all great but.. I dont know whether I can ever trust her again. I dont have time to sit around going through logs of internet history, text messaging etc. Nor do I want to, its not particularly healthy.

WRT the OM - I will lodge a complaint, I haven't done so yet. I am led to believe that he moved on from his position there - but everything else has been BS so why would this be any different.

I am deciding whether to paternity test the kids. The eldest looks a lot like me and the youngest looks a bit like me. I feel like a bit of an a-hole taking swabs from the poor kids.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Sorry DD. Question.

Why do they give her the majority of the assets? I know we are talking Australia but...


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

weightlifter said:


> Sorry DD. Question.
> 
> Why do they give her the majority of the assets? I know we are talking Australia but...


It's how many years plus being a sahm. Yep sux!


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Resetting here lets get you ahead of this.

1) She needs to provide a timeline and an approximate number of times.
2) This is where you have to figure out WHAT KIND OF MAN you are: 
A) A man who needs no details other than a confession
B) A man who needs every detail in order to reduce the wondering and mind movies. I think most are B but that is an estimate.
3) Tell her there is NO getting over this even if you decide to reconcile. You will in the LONG run process it, reduce it, get distance from it.
4) She has to understand the 100% implicit trust is gone forever and she will have to settle for a max of about 80% and that will take at least two years.
5) Can she handle being spied on BY ANY MEANS ***YOU*** deem necessary for life and without her knowledge of exactly what.

Can she handle these? ASK HER!

WARNING ROUGH READ!
Let me pre-answer some of those questions for you.

She let him cum inside with no protection and gooped up her cooter inside. 98%
She let him fvck her in the azz 65%
She let him spank her or other light s/m 35%
He has naked pics of her 85%
he has a close up of her cooter picture 80%
They did daring sex like outside or something 30%
Light bondage 25%
She slept with you at the same time she still had his goo inside 95%.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

tom67 said:


> It's how many years plus being a sahm. Yep sux!


In the states is usually roughly 50/50 unless you live in a state that actually punishes cheaters like NC or SC. 

SAHM means she gets 70%??? absurd!


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

weightlifter said:


> In the states is usually roughly 50/50 unless you live in a state that actually punishes cheaters like NC or SC.
> 
> SAHM means she gets 70%??? absurd!


England and Australia- more England if you are a male you are screwed more.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

She wants to work on this marriage beccause of the fear of loosing her life style and hoping that you will get over it in a month or so. She can have her fun later on when the dust is settled down. Dont allow this to happen. 

Paternity test is a must for your children. Exposure to all the family is a must (she should tell them in your presence). Exposure of OM is a must. Dont allow her to blinside you with sex. She was screwing you while she was screwing OM.

Dont trust a word she says unless you can verify it. The way she did right in front of you even after you confronting her and leaving straight to OMs bed after you confront her is too disrespectful.

Ask her to write a time line and details. Tell her if you find another lie she will be given the D papers.

But why you wanted to be with her? Is it only for your children?.

At least stop living the life of dumbdude and live like a real man.


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## crazyace (Aug 20, 2012)

Dear DD,

I never understand this .. and I am sure you must have asked her this as well. She went with him, rubbed it in your face, kept saying to try your marriage when she was coming after spending a night with him. So why does she want to be with you ? why is she trying to make amends now? what was she thinking when she was sleeping with him ? and why ? ... Has she answered this ?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

DD
I think a paternity test is a good idea.

Do not tell her you are doing this. Just confirm it n your own.

You need to verify if she truly wants the marriage and the family.

Verify by her actions, not what she says.

Keep posting and stay tough.

HM


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

DumbDude said:


> It's been about 5 months since dday and the whole time she has been lying. How can I trust again?


You can't.

She has shown you that she is capable of lying right to your face. People can cheat and still be honest (my W never actually lied to me about anything). If she will lie about this, she can lie about anything.

You have to be able to trust your spouse since for the most part you leave a large portion of your life in their hands. If you can't trust them, you shouldn't be married to them. 

She really disrespected you, it would almost be a reward for her for you to R. She doesn't want to R out of guilt or remorse, she is just afraid of being on her own. Her attitude towards the poly is proof of that.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Tough read, Dude. Based solely on what I have read, I just do not see any positive outcome that includes her as your wife. People make mistakes, some realize their mistakes, some of those own and sincerely try to mend the damage wrought by their mistakes. There are some stories here and some women who post from time to time who have done some awful things and who by all appearances available to me have come around to be loving and devoted wives. Those stories and people are so few and far between. There really hasn't been much of anything on the redemptive side in your story that I can discern. Knowing what I know, which is only what I have read here, I would say rip band aid off all at once. If after that the two of you somehow come back together, great! I just do not see that as anything you can or should plan around. Take some quiet time with it and look starkly at the reality.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

I meant to add that I do not put a lot of stock in the list of demands, polygraph, and so on. That's not a marriage.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Dont jump into R right now. Take your time and watch how remorseful she is. She is in damage control so that she can cool you off. She wanted you to rug sweep and get over it. Its not going to work well for you because it means living in misery.

If she went straight to her OM when you asked for separation, if she lost her count, if she lied to you for this long looking straight into your eyes.....Then watch her actions carefully for a long period before you jump into any R. She needs that assurance right now but offer R when you feel she is truly remorseful.

Are you sure she didnt cleaned the explicit things from her email?


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

DumbDude said:


> Hi TAM peoples,
> 
> 
> *One day she tells me she is going to the shops, takes our youngest girl and heads off.* I am a little suspect. I use the 'find my phone' thing to discover she is somewhere in the suburbs at a residential address. I ring her… the conversation went something like this:
> ...



Did she had sex while your youngest was with her?


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Wow...I missed that one Kallan...great perception on your part.

I agree this is a HUGE issue that needs to be clarified. If she dared to expose her own children to an A then I do not think she is ever going to be deserving of reconciliation.

That would be a bridge too far.


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## DumbDude (Jul 27, 2013)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> Did she had sex while your youngest was with her?


The answer to this is yes. This is a major point that I didnt actually point out.

As my daughter was 1y.o. at the time she was with the WW all the time. So when she was off meeting this guy, going to his place etc. She was there 

Bits of this story still don't add up... she says that the youngest daughter was napping while they did it.

She also says they never did it in our house (apparently he has never been in our house).

So, where did my daughter nap? Also I don't believe this BS about never being in my house.

Just more lies... it gets quite tiring.


And yes - gotta love Australia. We love rewarding disloyal wives by giving them the lions share.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

DumbDude said:


> And yes - gotta love Australia. We love rewarding disloyal wives by giving them the lions share.


But you guys have some funny laws. If she disappears, can't you just say a Dingo ate her?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

DumbDude said:


> The answer to this is yes. This is a major point that I didnt actually point out.
> 
> As my daughter was 1y.o. at the time she was with the WW all the time. So when she was off meeting this guy, going to his place etc. She was there
> 
> ...


Take your time Dude, you are not dumb watch her actions not her words maybe just maybe she realizes what she would lose but like you said how could you trust her-sigh-tough call.


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## DumbDude (Jul 27, 2013)

Harken Banks said:


> But you guys have some funny laws. If she disappears, can't you just say a Dingo ate her?


That only applies for babies.

For adults, we have crocodiles and lots of desert.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

So she has admitted to doing this with a one year old child there who she was ignoring?

Your WW does not deserve a second chance IMO. 

I believe D is always the best course for a BS. But, on here I always support that the BS should follow the path they want. If that means R, then I'm 100% behind them.

But in this case I cannot help but give you my input that I think what she did should be unforgivable.

However, DD, in the end it has to be about what you want.


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## DumbDude (Jul 27, 2013)

So the 1 y.o. was sleeping at the time they had sex (all those countless times).

It's pretty disgusting that my WW took my daughter with her, while this was her intent. 

Also they met up in public while my daughter was with them...

I had been replaced - for all intents and purposes.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Have you thought about replacing her???

You have options and plenty of time to make a decision.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

DumbDude said:


> That only applies for babies.
> 
> For adults, we have crocodiles and lots of desert.




I wouldn't wish that bad meal on a crocodile... no telling what the poor crocodile might catch.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

DumbDude said:


> Hey guys, I'm back...
> 
> I have been keeping my distance from WW and I think this has helped her realise what she could lose...
> 
> ...


No opposite sex friends for any spouse in any marriage.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

DumbDude said:


> So the 1 y.o. was sleeping at the time they had sex (all those countless times).
> 
> It's pretty disgusting that my WW took my daughter with her, while this was her intent.
> 
> ...


You keep referring to your youngest as "your daughter" when in fact it seems to me that your WW was taking the OM's daughter for a visit?

In addition, there is a huge degree os submission from my WW that helped me R. In fact, in every aspect Mrs. the-guy's submission helped me keep her.

Mrs. the-guy did all the heavy lifting and the only time she teared up was when I spanked her. graping her cell and looking at is like second nature for her...hell she expects it. 

I no longer have to write her mileage down... she turns it in with her receipts and paystub. I mean the transparentcy and submission in every aspect of out new marriage is awsome.

And the thing of it is ...its all her doing...hell Mrs. the-guy wants to be accounted for. Maybe in my case, it finaly shows her I care!

The point to all this is does your old lady realy want this or is it bull crap and when push comes to shoove, will she will tell to you to phuck off?

I say push her buttons now and see if she can take the heat. See if she really wants this under your terms or just stringing you along! I'm just saying if your old lady realy wants this marriage she will bend over backwards and forwards to keep you from giving her the boot.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

theroad said:


> No opposite sex friends for any spouse in any marriage.


Hell, in my case it didn't matter what sex they were, a toxic friend to the marriage is a toxic friend to your old lady


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Good point on the DNA tests if the kids are so young.

When did she say the affair started?
Has she ended it? (or pretended to)


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

weightlifter said:


> *Good point on the DNA tests if the kids are so young.
> *
> When did she say the affair started?
> *Has she ended it*? (or pretended to)



He should ask her for a DNA test.

I think they (OM& Wife) are setting a stage for OP. So wife told him OM moved to some other place. She is still in damage control and protecting her OM.


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## His_Wife_77 (Jun 9, 2011)

OMG.... I am so sorry that you and your children are going through this.. OMG, she is unreal. I have no words.....


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Time for paternity tests of all the kids.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

DD,

Who led you to believe the POS no longer worked as a deliveryman for his company?

Your lying WW?

She is protecting that scumbag. Expose and destroy that trash.

I'd be willing to bet you'll get the grim satisfaction of seeing your WW get dumped by the POS as her throws her under the bus as fast as possible to save himself from any consequences.

Its bittersweet, but seeing her get dumped by two guys almost simultaneously might go some ways to easing your pain a little.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

theroad said:


> Time for paternity tests of all the kids.


The 'ol paternity test....nothing says "consequences" like questioning your wifes about her children's fathers!

I think there is a certian sting when a WW gets busted and has to face this reality that the betrayed husband has to question the father of WW kids.

I think its a consequence that must be faced...lets face it you love your kids, but the reprecussions of your old lady screwing around on you has now resulted in questioning her children....

I bet when she was hooking up with the OM your old lady never thought about having to take a DNA test?

Think about it...her bad choices have ramifications that go way behind what she ever imagined....something that may make her think twice about doing it again!

Simble put....with out consequences bad behavior will continue!


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

I would not tell WW about paternity testing. Suppose the children are his and later in life she tells them your father didn't believe that you were his. He need a science test to continue to love you. That will mess up the kids, regardless of what WW did. Why? The children will expect love unconditionally. Mom's cheating should not jeopardize the parent child relationship.

There is nothing wrong with doing the DNA testing on the side. Perhaps, if the youngest is not DD's he will still decided to be 100% dad. That decision is not actually knocking on the door.

WW has complied to some degree. Is her remorse genuine? DD, you should do a 88% 180 to squeeze her. There is nothing wrong with filing for D to up the ante. D can always be called off.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> I would not tell WW about paternity testing. Suppose the children are his and later in life she tells them your father didn't believe that you were his. He need a science test to continue to love you. That will mess up the kids, regardless of what WW did. Why? The children will expect love unconditionally. Mom's cheating should not jeopardize the parent child relationship.


If the kids are old enough to understand and expect unconditional love, they will be cognizant enough to ask why daddy thought this way. Sorry, if a parent is this sick in the head, it is time to go.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> If the kids are old enough to understand and expect unconditional love, they will be cognizant enough to ask why daddy thought this way. Sorry, if a parent is this sick in the head, it is time to go.


Children do not understand the concept of unconditional love. They instinctually have faith in it and it is job of the parent to provide it.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Children do not understand the concept of unconditional love.


 I know, so you get my point. If they are going to understand the ramifications of a paternity test, they will understand unconditional love and be able to question the parent.



> They instinctually have faith in it and it is job of the parent to provide it.


Okay, I'll just stop the derail with this logical fallacy.


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## DumbDude (Jul 27, 2013)

OK, so I lodged a complaint with Auspost but it seems they do not care about their employees having any morality.
I was told that there was nothing they could do - they have a code of ethics and it is written quite broadly. I am getting blocked by the initial call center people. If I could prove this went on during business hours there may be some repercussions.

Yes, it was the WW that told me he wasn't working there any more - I am aware of her track record with the truth.

I'll order a paternity test and I wont be letting the WW know about it. Purely due to the fact that I don't want her having ammunition to use between me and the kids.

At this age they wont understand but later on it could be damaging (and they are my priority 1).


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

DumbDude said:


> OK, so I lodged a complaint with Auspost but it seems they do not care about their employees having any morality.
> I was told that there was nothing they could do - they have a code of ethics and it is written quite broadly. I am getting blocked by the initial call center people. If I could prove this went on during business hours there may be some repercussions.
> 
> Yes, it was the WW that told me he wasn't working there any more - I am aware of her track record with the truth.
> ...


Find a solicitor that will take a case against this company. Most likely they may settle with you they don't want this going public. At least I hope.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

DumbDude said:


> OK, so I lodged a complaint with Auspost but it seems they do not care about their employees having any morality.
> I was told that there was nothing they could do - they have a code of ethics and it is written quite broadly. I am getting blocked by the initial call center people. If I could prove this went on during business hours there may be some repercussions.
> 
> Yes, it was the WW that told me he wasn't working there any more - I am aware of her track record with the truth.
> ...


Calling does not work with exposure to a company. A certified letter to HR and the CEO does the trick because it puts them on notice. I do not know your laws. In the US it is taken very serious. In the US it can be used by someone else suing the company to show a pattern of behavior. Calls are not documentation.

Your WS needs to get to an IC. You too need to think about things. The fact your one year old was present is scary, vey scary. The fact she met in public, met his parents and introduced your children is a much higher level than the average affair.

More than likely you are Plan B. The OM liked banging your wife but does not want a wife like her nor wants to help raise your children. Your WS wants a marriage and at this moment you will have to do.

Keep moving forward with D. You can always stop it later.


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## DumbDude (Jul 27, 2013)

Just a quick update...

Still waiting on my DNA testing kit for the kids... 

Been talking to her a little. Mainly about when I am seeing the kids etc. 
But most recently she wanted to talk about giving R another go. Guess what: she is still seeing the OM, so someone seriously thinks they can have their cake and eat it too. I think not.

Its amazing how a bit of time makes things seem not quite so bad. I get a little weak and start considering R then it comes out that she still sees this guy! Back to square 1 with me being mighty p1ssed off!

I find it astounding what a terrible choice in wife I made.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Stay strong brother. I think this is the kind of woman who will not leave a relationship without having another in place, a wing walker so to speak.

If you take her back before she deals with her issues she will cheat on you again, but I think you would be a dumbdude to do that, because it would be a lot of work on her part and I doubt she has it in her.

The level of disregard for you, your pain, her family, and her level of disrespect for you is over the top?

I think you are right you did not make a good choice for a wife.

It gets a lot better, if you work on yourself, take time to work through it, I'm sure you will pick better next time.

There ought to be a test of decency and competency before they give someone a vagina (or penis). Ha Ha.

Take care and don't doubt yourself.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

DumbDude said:


> Just a quick update...
> 
> Still waiting on my DNA testing kit for the kids...
> 
> ...


Did you tell her you knew this? Unreal.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

DumbDude said:


> But most recently she wanted to talk about giving R another go. Guess what: she is still seeing the OM, so someone seriously thinks they can have their cake and eat it too. I think not.


Wow, that's terrible. Well, now you know you BOTH are number 2. She is one of those way wards that jumps from relationship to relationship; she can't be alone. So, if you said yes, she'd drop him until _you upset her_ again.


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## DumbDude (Jul 27, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Wow, that's terrible. Well, now you know you BOTH are number 2. She is one of those way wards that jumps from relationship to relationship; she can't be alone. So, if you said yes, she'd drop him until _you upset her_ again.



My thoughts exactly.

We have a fight and she runs right back to someone...

DNA testing kit arrived yesterday as well as my child support payment letter... holy crap I have to pay her a lot!


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

DumbDude said:


> My thoughts exactly.
> 
> We have a fight and she runs right back to someone...
> 
> DNA testing kit arrived yesterday as well as my child support payment letter... holy crap I have to pay her a lot!


I hope you find a way to get the om fired or at least make his life uncomfortable.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Good luck, this is going to get much worse. She thinks she is a prize and the winner gets to keep her.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Hiya DD. Not gonna call you dumb because your wife screwing another man is not something they teach you anywhere.

Just know the TAM Army is behind you and you are not alone.

I hope the dna tests come out whatever way you want them to. IE hope Aus is not one of those presumed father countries and you are held as money father but not bio father.

Did she ever indicate when this thing started?
When you said the OM is an Ape... Hes a muscle monster?


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Hiya DD. Not gonna call you dumb because your wife screwing another man is not something they teach you anywhere.

Just know the TAM Army is behind you and you are not alone.

I hope the dna tests come out whatever way you want them to. IE hope Aus is not one of those presumed father countries and you are held as money father but not bio father.

Did she ever indicate when this thing started?
When you said the OM is an Ape... Hes a muscle monster?


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## DumbDude (Jul 27, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Hiya DD. Not gonna call you dumb because your wife screwing another man is not something they teach you anywhere.
> 
> Just know the TAM Army is behind you and you are not alone.
> 
> ...


Nah, he isnt a muscle monster. I was just using the word ape as a derogatory term... well attempting to.

She hasnt given me specific dates but it would have been late 2012. Maybe September/October...


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## DumbDude (Jul 27, 2013)

So I keep doubting the decisions I am making, second guessing myself... wondering whether I am making the right decisions etc

I think part of it is being scared of changing my life this drastically and part of it is fear of the unknown.

But just saying the above (even on a forum) helps me to strengthen my resolve.


Any tips from veterans on how to deal with the over active mind and self doubt?


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## "joe" (Aug 19, 2013)

DumbDude said:


> I find it astounding what a terrible choice in wife I made.


i had a good chat with a colleague yesterday about this very thing. we see the good things and imagine that the bad things will be tolerable or will modify or that every marriage will have issues. and we took vows and rightly expect that the other party will have as much respect for them as we do. this is the most painful part for me, this and what the settlement will look like.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

DD,

Are you normally an indecisive person who lacks the confidence to make important life choices and guide your family?

I would bet that this has never been an issue for you before. You have probably been able to confidently guide your family and career.

You have to detach yourself emotionally and start to analyze this like every other important decision you have had to make in life.

You cannot let your love and the comfort level you have had being married create fear in you to take the actions you know you need to take.


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