# Confused over wife cheating



## random name (Nov 7, 2011)

Should I forgive my wife for cheating on me 12 years ago, and lying until this past year about it? She don't understand why I don't think I can. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this and the one person that I should be able to talk to is her but she is a little biased: rolleyes:. So if anyone would care to hear my story and offer any advice it would be greatly appreciated.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

sure give us the details, whether you can get past this is your call, it's justified imo, but you can also have a successful R with the right tools and willing spouse


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

IMO (may not apply to you) forgiving her can be about just getting it off your back, and not lugging it around with you. A gift for you, not her. That's not the same as forgetting about it.

To her, it's 12 years old. To you, it's only as old as the day you found out. That would be a tough one.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Even affairs that are never discovered have negative effects on a marriage. They need to be dealt with.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Your wife cannot possibly understand that now that you know, you question everything about her and the marriage from the point that her affair happened to the present. Those are 12 years of your life that she cannot give back to you.

I wholeheartedly agree with deejov about forgiveness being a gift you give to yourself so that you can let go off the anger, bitterness and move on with your life. But forgiveness does not mean that there should be no consequences for her betrayal, including divorcing her.

These are points that you should convey to her so that she has some inkling of the magnitude of her betrayal.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

If she is truly rolling her eyes, this is a significant indication of disrespect. She is acting like she hasn't anything to fear, your a doormat that (in her view) should just suck-it up and move on. Rattle her cage a bit, inform her that you don't believe that their hasn't been more betrayals in the last 12 years - that you have no trust in her and has to actively, in words, actions, and deeds to regain your trust.

She needs to embrace the fact that this is very raw to you, the fact that she views it as old news does nothing for you.

See an attorney to know your rights, tell your wife you just want to know your rights and how things work if you don't work it out - put the continuation of your marriage in the table is she doesn't do what she needs to do to help you heal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Ask her if you had an affair 12 years ago if she could let it go also. Probably not. To try and rebuild or end the marriage is all up to you at this point, not her. You have to live with it, she's already put it in the back of her head and to her it's not even an issue anymore.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

I think it's important for us to know the circumstances around which you just found out about it. De she come to you or did you just find out and she admitted it to you.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

I agree with others---how did you find out about her adultery

She has been lying to you for 12 years---coming home night after night, looking you square in the eyes, and saying everything was OK---That is lying/cheating by OMMISSION---so she has been actually cheating on you for 12 LONG YEARS

Your sub-conscious is not gonna let this go away----so you need to go to your wife, and whether SHE LIKES IT OR NOT---treat it, as if it JUST HAPPENED---cuz in all actuality, to you it JUST HAPPENED

I do not know the status of your mge., and how well the 2 of you get along, and how much intimacy there is tween you, but I do know your wife still disrespects you, and thinks very little of you.

A decent caring loving spouse, would not rip one's heart apart, rip their guts out---and say get over it---it happened a long time ago, she treated you like a POS, then, and she is doing so NOW!!!!

IT HAPPENED, that's all that is needed, to bring on nuclear winter----she doesn't wanna go thru, what she knows is coming, and is trying to bully you into immediately putting aside the fact, that she took another man inside of her, contrary, to every thing mge., stands for, and what she agreed to in her sacred vows.

Unless she herself told you, she was taking her deep, dark, dirty little secret to the grave with her----

You need to do what is necessary to move thru this storm, and get your life going----AND IT IS YOUR WIFE THAT NEEDS TO DO ALL THE HEAVY LIFTING TO MAKE THAT HAPPEN!!!!!!!!

She does not get a free pass, to lets just move on, and this IS NOT TO BE SWEPT UNDER THE RUG!!!!!!!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

RWB said:


> 12 years, 12 minutes it's still all new to you. I had 6 years stolen from my life with continued lies and cheating. She needs to understand that the omission means continued betrayal, PERIOD.
> 
> RN, rarely is cheating a One and Done proposition. There is always more to the story. Has she continued this affair during the 12 years? How many other affairs have gone by? These are the first questions that you need to know. Serial Cheating is much more common than admitted.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

The length of time that has passed since the affair is irrelevant, DDay for you is recent. Also, I agree with RWB, once that line has been crossed, its much easier to cross that line again and again. At this point in time, you do not know if that was the only affair she had. How many affairs has she gotten away with? You will be surprised to know. Read up about trickle truth, she will only admit to what she thinks you know. If you only know about one affair, she will only admit to one affair, even if in reality, she had many. That's how trickle truth works.

Give us the rest of your story. Unfortunately, you're in for a world of hurt that will only get worse if you try to sweep this under the rug, which is what she obviously wants to do.


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## Bartimaus (Oct 15, 2011)

jnj express said:


> I agree with others---how did you find out about her adultery
> 
> She has been lying to you for 12 years---coming home night after night, looking you square in the eyes, and saying everything was OK---That is lying/cheating by OMMISSION---so she has been actually cheating on you for 12 LONG YEARS
> 
> ...


:iagree: And OP,if she won't stop rug sweeping,the next 12 years won't be better for you than what you are experiencing right now. Or at least that's the way it has been for me.


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