# The imminent doom of menopause



## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Hi,

My question is about what happens to a woman's sex drive when she goes through menopause and after menopause.

My wife, in her early 40's, is talking about the doom of menopause. She tells me about how she will not get as wet and how her desire for sex will diminish. She paints a picture of a sexless marriage after menopause.

She is already LD, so if her sex drive does go down it will probably turn into a sexless marriage. I feel scared.

I should mention that is is dead set against any hormone therapy. She is pretty much against any long term use drugs (i.e. take X for the rest of your life).

Although it is a ways off in the future, I feel saddened when she tells me this. She seems is preparing me ahead of time to be pushed away. I sense a bit of fear when she tells me about this as well. 

I don't know what to tell her, as I know very little about menopause. And I don't know what menopause will be like without any help from a doctor to prescribe something to make the experience less painful.

If I knew more, perhaps I could talk to her about it and take away some of her fears. As it is, all I can do is tell her I will be there for her.

So, any information about menopause, sex drive, and how I can help her would be appreciated.


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## Sun Catcher (Dec 6, 2013)

Sounds like she is setting you up for no sex and seems like she can't wait for that to happen.

You have a much bigger problem to decide upon, going from little sex to no sex or make a break now and find a compatible partner?

I was post menopausal when I met my husband and am having the best sex of my life! Do take bio identical hormones daily and we do use lots of coconut oil (strictly cold pressed organic). BTW use the coconut oil everywhere, from head to toe at different times. It is great stuff.

Don't let her ruin your life with statements of what she won't take and what she won't do, take your life in YOUR hands and look to enjoy the best years you have ahead of you. 

I can't answer how you can help her, doesn't seem like she wants any, she has set the tone and expects you to say "yes dear". Perhaps if you sit down and tell her if your sex life doesn't change to your satisfaction that you have no other choice than to leave she will wise up. 

Goods luck!


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I dreaded the menopause with a vengeance (remembering how my own mother suffered), but once I got onto HRT patches I felt better than ever. If anything, my sex drive increased after menopause. If lubrication becomes a problem (which it doesn't for every woman), there's a quick and easy way to deal with that using lubricants.

It's up to your W whether or not she will use HRT when the time comes, but she might change her mind when she's suffering from night sweats and aching bones. Besides, I believe there are some natural remedies available that many find very effective.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I'm 44 - several of my close friends are hitting peri menopause and we want sex all the time.

What your wife says is fear mongering. May it happen to some - sure. Is it guaranteed - not in the least.

By the time I hit menopause I will be married nearly 30 years. Certainly my brain will still be working enough to know there is lube available and that sexual intimacy is important to a marriage. 

As others suggested, it sounds like your wife is preparing you for her excuse to no longer have sex. That is another type of problem!


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

She's wrong. My sex drive was not at all affected. 
If anything, the quieter house and less stress and demand of child rearing as we age provides way more opportunity to be frisky. 

Your wife does need to "use it or lose it" though. Warning: Use It or Lose It! - Hot Flash Havoc


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

There is a poster here who talks about her sex life in her 70's like she was in her 20's and she didn't have orgasms for most of her marriage, then started squirting at age ___ (I forget) but this is her thread...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...h-do-we-part-my-love-then-grab-me-you-go.html

I've heard Estring mentioned for dryness...(needs a prescription) ...

Estring vagl : Uses, Side Effects, Interactions, Pictures, Warnings & Dosing - WebMD

I've told my husband I want to have sex till I die.. I am 3 yrs shy of 50.... I worry about him more than he worries about me ...I'll do whatever I can to keep THAT going!

With HRT patches, coconut oil, bio identical hormones, Estring, there are plenty of options out there for women today to continue a healthy enjoyable pleasurable sex life with their husbands, it's a great day to live!

If she can not see how important, this vital bonding, what her husband NEEDS... I'm with Sun Catcher "Don't let her ruin your life with statements of what she won't take and what she won't do, take your life in YOUR hands and look to enjoy the best years you have ahead of you."








... Sex is an Emotional NEED...Male sexuality is a central part of who he is as both a man and a husband


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Share your heart with her. Let her know just how this makes you feel.

I eat a vegan diet, and that is supposed to make menopause easier. I should eat a low-fat vegan diet, as I think I have heard that the amount of fat makes a big difference with how the passage goes.

To be honest, I am a little nervous about how sex is going to feel afterwards. I think I have lifelong sexual responsibilities to my husband, and I will need to comply with his expectations. 

But he is also very patient and loving, and I am counting on his understanding as we get older. 

We basically have to be in this together, to satisfy each other the best we can.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Fear-mongering in the very least, on her part! She needs both physiological and psychological assurances, provided that she'll accept them from her OB-GYN, or from a therapist.

She is only considering the wants and needs of one person and one person only here ~ that being herself! Please don't let her drag you down into the grave with her!*


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

fightforher said:


> Hi,
> So, any information about menopause, sex drive, and how I can help her would be appreciated.


Epic fail.

You should respond "You will achieve what you conceive".

And, you should tell her that you expect the marriage to remain sexual for 20-30 years and to let you know if she is not on board with a sexual marriage.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Hicks said:


> Epic fail.
> 
> You should respond "You will achieve what you conceive".
> 
> And, you should tell her that you expect the marriage to remain sexual for 20-30 years and to let you know if she is not on board with a sexual marriage.


Hicks, where did you come up with 20-30 years? Do you think it is okay to be non-sexual after that?


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

I'm afraid I cannot understand people who decline medical intervention to make their lives more comfortable or to relieve discomfort.

The OP has said that his wife has said she will not take HRT. 
Has she taken her parents to court for giving her a polio vaccination, without her permission when she was a young child?

Does she decline to take anti malaria medication when in a malaria area?
Will she decline to take medication to stop or dramatically reduce osteo porosis? When having a root canal filling does she refuse to have a local anaesthetic? Does she actually like pain?

My attitude I'm afraid would be; 'well suffer then but don't moan and whinge at me when you are hurting'.

Regarding the future, I'm in a sexless marriage anyway so can't help!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I have heard that HRT ups the chance of getting breast cancer.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Perhaps she's giving you worst case scenario because she wants your reassurance that you will still love her?

Don't worry dude, those damn hot flashes and mood swings are NOT pleasant! So when the doc dangles a remedy....she will jump for it and be thankful to have something to feel normal again.

Some women experience and increase is sex drive. As Blonde says, with the kids being out of the house more opportunities to get laid. 

Other women have a big drop in their sex drive, but that doesn't mean they don't want sex, it only means their drive to have sex has dropped. It doesn't stop them from responding to YOUR drive to have sex and you shouldn't let it stop you from romancing her and enticing her

Now is the time to reconnect! To start dating your wife all over again. To become a bunch of silly teenagers!

Ever hear the phrase; if I only knew then what I know now? Well you do know it now so knows the time to act on it and create the marriage of your dreams!


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## Sun Catcher (Dec 6, 2013)

jld said:


> I have heard that HRT ups the chance of getting breast cancer.


BHRT less so.... Anyway, all drugs "cause" something, but everyone I know is on medicine for high blood pressure, cholesterol, thyroid, antidepressants, erectile dysfunction, etc. many on more than one. 

Me, I'll take the chance, at 57 I really don't feel like being a dried up old prune just yet. I want to look reasonably well for my age, too, without plastic surgery. Quality of life is important to me and I'll take my chances. I drive a car even though I know it is deadly to do so. Just sayin.

Oh and Blondie is right, having the house all to yourselves is an added plus!


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

jld said:


> I have heard that HRT ups the chance of getting breast cancer.


Its a question of balance.

We all know that going in an aircraft or driving a car carries a degree of risk....hell, life itself is risky!


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

I agree with the other in that she may be preparing you for no sex. First of all, what have you done to improve the current sex life?

My wife was still having regular periods last year at 56 years old. She had already had one ovary removed because of a cyst then, because of endometriosis, had to have a complete hysterectomy. It did take a while for her body to adjust, but that was more due to the fact that the surgery and subsequent difficult recovery revealed a gluten sensitivity. She went on a restricted diet and her hot flashes stopped. But then, there was the painful, burning sex. Her Dr prescribed a bio-identical, low dose cream that is inserted into the vagina. That did the trick. The sex is now awesome again, and as soon as tax season is over for her, our frequency will no doubt return to the 2-3 times a week that we had over a year ago.

Now, I must point out that we had a healthy sex life before all this happened. An unhealthy sex life surely won't get better during and after menopause.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

My wife went through full hysterectomy (ovaries included) induced menopause in her 30's. This was during the controversy over changing notions of what HRT was safe, so in the end she wound up taking none at all.

Her sex drive never changed a bit, and while you wouldn't call it high to begin with, at least it didn't drop. She was never a good self lubricator anyway, what with her disinterest in foreplay, so a tube of Astroglide was never not on our bedside table from our early 20's. Sex did not change in even the slightest bit, and IIRC she became frequently multi-orgasmic during that same time.

So for us it was pretty much a complete non event.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Your sexlife really does sound uneventful, Cletus. Truly nothing can shake it up.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

As much as dh would not like to see less of a sex life, he would like to see me get breast cancer even less.

I have to look into the research on HRT and BHRT. I am 43, and only in perimenopause. Dh is 46 and we do not take medications. 

I really think a vegan (esp. Low fat) diet can be helpful. I have read a lot of tstimonies on how it helps with health problems, including difficulties with menopause.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

jld said:


> Your sexlife really does sound uneventful, Cletus. Truly nothing can shake it up.


Ha! And here I thought I was making a positive statement about my sex life, at least regarding menopause! That's funny.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Cletus said:


> Ha! And here I thought I was making a positive statement about my sex life, at least regarding menopause! That's funny.


:rofl:


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Sun Catcher said:


> Sounds like she is setting you up for no sex and seems like she can't wait for that to happen.
> 
> 
> Goods luck!


Responses like this made me cry.

She is not against medicine in general. Just long term stuff. So she does get shots (flu shot etc.) and she will ask the doctor for antibiotics etc. Just things that are long term she does not want. And the fear of side effects from long term drugs (like cancer) bothers her enough to avoid these. I take a drug for high cholesterol and she has voiced her opinion that she does not like that.

Our sex life is good at times, and bad at times. Good, she initiated recently by opening up her robe after getting out of the shower and said "want it?" - that was so memorable.

Bad - She read a book while we had sex.

Medium - I asked her to put down the cell phone while initiating and she did and we had sex.

Kids still in the house, and she works long hours (really long hours). However I will say that when we do have time together it makes me happy. I read the book "His needs, Her needs" and he says that couples need 15 hours per week together. I wish I could get close to that.


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Perhaps she's giving you worst case scenario because she wants your reassurance that you will still love her?
> 
> *I did not think of that. I thought it was obvious that I would still love her. But when it comes up again, I will make sure she understands this fact.*
> 
> ...


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

fightforher said:


> Bad - She read a book while we had sex.


Err - come again?

Is this anything like the "Hysterical Literature" project (which is pretty hot, if you ask me). 

http://hystericalliterature.com


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

A woman's sex drive is responsive. She may have times when SHE wants sex so much she actually initiates sex. But lots of times a woman is open to having sex. Meaning she'd be happy to have sex if you want it, but she doesn't have that burning desire to have sex.

This means she may not experience that drive and desire to want sex now. But it won't stop her from being open to having sex if you want it. She may stop initiating but that doesn't mean she doesn't want sex. Sometimes you are starving when you sit down to eat. Other times, it's time to eat but not until you start eating that you realize your hungry. 

Make sense?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Your wife has succumbed to societies view of menopause as a horrible thing that all women have to suffer through and that all husbands should beware of. I find it so sad that this is how menopause is viewed today.

Traditionally, menopause was cause for celebration. Women were considered wiser and were revered for it. Older women were looked up to and the younger generation celebrated their age with them.

Now all we hear about are hot flashes and loss of sex drive. It's awful.

I am 'officially' in menopause, as my last period was in June 2012. I actually love it. I love not having periods, I love having older kids, I love the freedom that comes with age. I love having sex with my husband. I love not having to worry about bleeding everywhere. I am 49.

I also do not differentiate between 'perimenopause' and 'menopause'. Mainstream medicine has decreed that you are not 'menopausal' until you haven't had a period for one year. To me that's just an arbitrary designation. It's a process, not a series of differentiated conditions.

I found Dr. Lees books "What you Dr May not Tell You About....." to be very helpful, and the only thing I take is his natural progesterone cream. I highly recommend his books - he explains the difference between 'estrogen deficiency', which is what mainstream HRT treats, and 'estrogen dominance', which is something many doctors don't even know about.

Diet is also very important. I oppose vegan diets myself, that's my personal view, but I am a huge proponent of the Traditional Foods diet.


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> A woman's sex drive is responsive. She may have times when SHE wants sex so much she actually initiates sex. But lots of times a woman is open to having sex. Meaning she'd be happy to have sex if you want it, but she doesn't have that burning desire to have sex.
> 
> This means she may not experience that drive and desire to want sex now. But it won't stop her from being open to having sex if you want it. She may stop initiating but that doesn't mean she doesn't want sex. Sometimes you are starving when you sit down to eat. Other times, it's time to eat but not until you start eating that you realize your hungry.
> 
> Make sense?


Ok, this makes sense now. And she has used words to this effect. She will say something like she does not think about sex, but once she is having sex she is enjoying it.

Yes, there was one time where she borrowed a book and had to return it the next day. She was frantically trying to read it. The kids had all gone to sleep, and we were alone in the same bed. I started kissing and rubbing her and she took off her blouse and top. She got wet, I performed oral on her, she came - still reading the book. I was so worked up I came quickly when I went inside her. Clean up and back to the book again. We snuggled. I just felt bad that I could not rock her world enough to take her away from reading the book for more than a few seconds.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

fightforher said:


> Ok, this makes sense now. And she has used words to this effect. She will say something like she does not think about sex, but once she is having sex she is enjoying it.
> 
> Yes, there was one time where she borrowed a book and had to return it the next day. She was frantically trying to read it. The kids had all gone to sleep, and we were alone in the same bed. I started kissing and rubbing her and she took off her blouse and top. She got wet, I performed oral on her, she came - still reading the book. I was so worked up I came quickly when I went inside her. Clean up and back to the book again. We snuggled. I just felt bad that I could not rock her world enough to take her away from reading the book for more than a few seconds.


Ummmm not sure how she could orgasm while reading. I can't even keep my eyes open. BUT this does sound kinda cute...in a strange way. You both got what you wanted...sort of...


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> Your wife has succumbed to societies view of menopause as a horrible thing that all women have to suffer through and that all husbands should beware of. I find it so sad that this is how menopause is viewed today.
> 
> *Yup, I think she is scared of it and has heard information from various "non authoritative" sources.*
> 
> ...


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

My wife went thru menopause light - no symptoms whatsoever except for Aunt Flo moving to Florida - and no change whatsoever in LD-ness.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

fightforher said:


> Kids still in the house, and she works long hours (really long hours). However I will say that when we do have time together it makes me happy. I read the book "His needs, Her needs" and he says that couples need 15 hours per week together. I wish I could get close to that.


Stress, long hours, kids burning the candle at both ends hampers the mood. The 15hrs or as close as you can get will really help, I think. How about a weekend away together once in awhile? I'm counting on this:

Why marital happiness grows after the golden anniversary

After the first few years of marriage, the so-called honeymoon period, marital happiness tends to go downhill for the next 20 years. Then, right around the golden anniversary, this downward spiral stops and couples start feeling more satisfied with each other. By the time they've been married for 35 years, they're as happy as newlyweds, on average.​


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

We managed to have a decent sex life when we had a 5 year old, a 1 year old, both working part time and full time grad students with dissertations and research to complete. And we were in our mid 30's, older than your typical grad student drones.... 

We probably saw each other 15 hours a semester...


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

Menopause doesn't stop love or the need for your intimacy. Everything else is physical. Reconnect with your wife and let her know everything you feel while you have sex, that isn't physical. 

Sex drive may drop, intimacy drive is created with love and passion.

Good luck.


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Blonde said:


> Stress, long hours, kids burning the candle at both ends hampers the mood. The 15hrs or as close as you can get will really help, I think. How about a weekend away together once in awhile?


I have asked for more time, and she sort of scoffs at it. Too busy and just can't make time. When she does make time, she spends it trying to relax and unwind (generally a solo activity). I have noticed that when we do find more time, she does indicate to me that things are better. I do my best to be there whenever she has a free moment.

I would love a weekend away with her. But with the kids and her work it just is not possible unless it becomes a very high priority. She does not make it a priority. She does make going to the gym a priority though.


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## Sun Catcher (Dec 6, 2013)

fightforher said:


> Responses like this made me cry.
> 
> She is not against medicine in general. Just long term stuff. So she does get shots (flu shot etc.) and she will ask the doctor for antibiotics etc. Just things that are long term she does not want. And the fear of side effects from long term drugs (like cancer) bothers her enough to avoid these. I take a drug for high cholesterol and she has voiced her opinion that she does not like that.
> 
> ...


Never my intention to make anyone cry, that's for sure. We can all be fragile in our relationships from time to time. 

Personally, I am up for sex anytime hubby wants it. He on the other hand would not approach me for sure if he knew I was trying to finish a book due back the next morning. We all have to be considerate of the each other's priorities. 

Oh my, see I do take bio-identical hormones and a thyroid medication, which I will have to take for the rest of my life as I have a damaged thyroid. I won't take a flu shot, i have tried a few times and have gotten bad reactions from them. 

Have you sat down and tried to explain what you read in His Needs, Her Needs? Have she read the book? Perhaps just a little more communication needed and insist your relationship with each other is a top priority. 

Your working hard to have a good marriage and she needs to get on board,too. Only if each gives 100% will it be a truly satisfying marriage.

Don't give up, give her a chance to come around.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

fightforher said:


> I would love a weekend away with her. But with the kids and her work it just is not possible unless it becomes a very high priority. She does not make it a priority. She does make going to the gym a priority though.


Sit down with her and your calendars and try to plan one.

My H likes to be spontaneous and I can't because of my work schedule and responsibilities with the children. So he's going to be disappointed if he spontaneously wants a weekend away. But if he sits down with me and we plan ahead, I can work it in.

I wouldn't say that it's a "priority" issue but it is a "responsibility" issue. I am responsible to work these days, and I am responsible for the children to be here and there and X,Y,Z these days. Believe me, I would love to dump the responsibilities and have fun on the beach and in a jacuzzi suite... but that wouldn't be... responsible.


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## Code-Welder (Dec 17, 2012)

fightforher said:


> My question is about what happens to a woman's sex drive when she goes through menopause and after menopause.
> 
> So, any information about menopause, sex drive, and how I can help her would be appreciated.


My wife had some dryness issues but her sex drive went through the roof after menopause. We use to just keep some lube near the bed. You will find if you take more time for foreplay her natural fluids will still flow. Just take a little longer as you mature to get the steam engine fired up.

Your wife is just making excuses. Seems unless you want a sexless marriage you need to seek out counseling or a long talk with her now. All depends on how you wish to spend the rest of your life.


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## skype (Sep 25, 2013)

Your wife cannot know what her experience will be with menopause. Just like with menstruation, women vary widely in their response to this biological process.

Each stage of life brings challenges, and you have to consider what coping skills you will bring to it. If she has problems, have her see a doctor. If you both want to continue with an active sex life, you will find ways to make it happen.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

Blonde really has this thing figured out in my opinion. I read her replies, and you can see she gets things that a lot of people just do not get.

In fact, a lot of people on forums, looking to help or be helped, really get what the majority seem to totally miss. Maybe that's what drives us to forums. Whether it's being an introvert or needing to see our feelings typed out in front of us. Either way, good replies Blonde. I love your concept of, responsibility, not priority. That's how schedules should work when a couple is busy, jobs, kids, life. Sometimes it can't just be spontaneous, but it's your responsibility to make sure you have time to be intimate. If you have time to make coffee for yourself to keep yourself revived, take a bath to keep yourself clean and healthy, and make dinner to keep yourself functioning and alive, then you have time to keep your married revived, clean and healthy, functioning and alive. Intimacy should be a part of your schedule, whether it's planned or not. Otherwise you will eventually fall apart, imho.

Your marriage needs to be taken care of. The physical need for sex is like the physical need for me to hop on a treadmill. If you like being on a treadmill, more power to you. However, the physical need to do it, isn't as important as the need to keep yourself healthy. Like your marriage, the need to keep the marriage healthy should trump the need to ignore your partners needs/intimacy. Falling in love is easy, staying in love is hard. When you tie the knot, your partners needs, are your needs. If you do not understand that, you didn't get marriage.


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Sun Catcher said:


> Have you sat down and tried to explain what you read in His Needs, Her Needs? *Have she read the book*? Perhaps just a little more communication needed and insist your relationship with each other is a top priority.
> 
> Your working hard to have a good marriage and she needs to get on board,too. Only if each gives 100% will it be a truly satisfying marriage.
> 
> Don't give up, give her a chance to come around.


No, she has not read the book. I read many books trying to get help. Not only is she against long term medicines, but she is also against marriage counseling. I asked her why, and she tells me that the MC will put all the blame on her. I have told her it does not work that way, but she is dead set against it. Hence I read books from the library. I was pretty scary to post here.

When she brings up menopause, she paints a dreary picture of the future. She seems to think that it is the end of being sexual, and being female (i.e. being able to perform as a female). She knows I have needs. I get the impression that she is thinking that she will not be able to come close to meeting my needs.

I really appreciate the posters here that have enlightened me to the fact that menopause is not the end of life for a woman. And I really appreciate the encouragement that things will get better as the kids get older and out of the house.


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Blonde said:


> Sit down with her and your calendars and try to plan one.
> 
> 
> I wouldn't say that it's a "priority" issue but it is a "responsibility" issue. I am responsible to work these days, and I am responsible for the children to be here and there and X,Y,Z these days. Believe me, I would love to dump the responsibilities and have fun on the beach and in a jacuzzi suite... but that wouldn't be... responsible.


It is a close call between priority and responsibility. I understand when she has to work, or shop for something. That is just responsibility. But there are times, like reading the book, where it seems that the priority is higher on the book than it is on sex and making hubby happy.

We don't have a sitter for the kids that we use from time to time anymore. Only grandparents, and I don't feel comfortable asking them to take care of the kids while I romp around with my wife and connect with her.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

How old are the kids?


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Coldie said:


> Blonde really has this thing figured out in my opinion. I read her replies, and you can see she gets things that a lot of people just do not get.
> 
> In fact, a lot of people on forums, looking to help or be helped, really get what the majority seem to totally miss. Maybe that's what drives us to forums. Whether it's being an introvert or needing to see our feelings typed out in front of us. Either way, good replies Blonde. I love your concept of, responsibility, not priority. That's how schedules should work when a couple is busy, jobs, kids, life. Sometimes it can't just be spontaneous, but it's your responsibility to make sure you have time to be intimate. If you have time to make coffee for yourself to keep yourself revived, take a bath to keep yourself clean and healthy, and make dinner to keep yourself functioning and alive, then you have time to keep your married revived, clean and healthy, functioning and alive. Intimacy should be a part of your schedule, whether it's planned or not. Otherwise you will eventually fall apart, imho.
> 
> Your marriage needs to be taken care of. The physical need for sex is like the physical need for me to hop on a treadmill. If you like being on a treadmill, more power to you. However, the physical need to do it, isn't as important as the need to keep yourself healthy. Like your marriage, the need to keep the marriage healthy should trump the need to ignore your partners needs/intimacy. Falling in love is easy, staying in love is hard. When you tie the knot, your partners needs, are your needs. If you do not understand that, you didn't get marriage.


Thanks Blonde, thanks Coldie. Very good points indeed.

I need to convince her of the priority and responsibility difference. I need to keep this concept in mind, especially when I ask for time with her.

Thanks


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Kids are 13, 11, and 7. I spend a great deal of time taking care of the kids - oldest one has lots of activities now.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

fightforher said:


> When she brings up menopause, she paints a dreary picture of the future. She seems to think that it is the end of being sexual, and being female (i.e. being able to perform as a female). She knows I have needs. I get the impression that she is thinking that she will not be able to come close to meeting my needs.


I don't blame her for being afraid. I'm 46, hear lots of horrible stories from people I know about menopause and am terrified of it myself. I hate the idea that my body is going to do this no matter what, and that it will absolutely change my body in ways that I will not like and will feel bad. Worse, they would be changes that could damage the sex life that I currently enjoy, and very personal body parts won't work the way they always have.

How would you feel if you knew that, at age 50 or whatever, your body would act sick (aches, pains, mood swings, hot flashes, headaches, etc.), and at the end of that long road, your penis would shrivel up and dry out? 

Nothing about menopause and after sounds the least bit sexy, and I don't want to lose my sexy! 

I'd give her a break and try to feel some compassion for the fear of what she will be soon going through, and her fear of what she may lose.


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

norajane said:


> I don't blame her for being afraid. I'm 46, hear lots of horrible stories from people I know about menopause and am terrified of it myself. I hate the idea that my body is going to do this no matter what, and that it will absolutely change my body in ways that I will not like and will feel bad. Worse, they would be changes that could damage the sex life that I currently enjoy, and very personal body parts won't work the way they always have.
> 
> How would you feel if you knew that, at age 50 or whatever, your body would act sick (aches, pains, mood swings, hot flashes, headaches, etc.), and at the end of that long road, your penis would shrivel up and dry out?
> 
> ...


Oh my, please don't get me wrong. I do feel for her and understand what she is afraid of. Believe me, I keep track of every little thing that happens to her body, and when she is sick I take care of her and get her anything to make her feel better or to help her get over it. And I believe I can understand being afraid of menopause. But I was pretty much in the dark about information regarding what to expect. So I needed to know more so I could understand more.

What my post was about was her assuming that this is the end of her sex life, and mine too. What I wanted is feedback from people that actually have experience that it can be better than the ax of doom. And apparently it is not a death sentence 
:smthumbup:


If anything, I want information to comfort her so it does not weigh on her.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

fightforher said:


> Oh my, please don't get me wrong. I do feel for her and understand what she is afraid of. Believe me, I keep track of every little thing that happens to her body, and when she is sick I take care of her and get her anything to make her feel better or to help her get over it. And I believe I can understand being afraid of menopause. But I was pretty much in the dark about information regarding what to expect. So I needed to know more so I could understand more.
> 
> What my post was about was her assuming that this is the end of her sex life, and mine too. What I wanted is feedback from people that actually have experience that it can be better than the ax of doom. And apparently it is not a death sentence
> :smthumbup:
> ...


I get it. Speaking as someone who also gets where she's coming from, I don't know what to tell you that will make this weigh less on her. I read the menopause threads here for the same reason you posted, and I have yet to find anything that really makes me feel any better about it. I hear weight gain, thinning hair, problems with lubrication, lack of desire, pan during sex, etc. and add those to my list of fears. 

Yes, there are plenty of women who try drug therapies to help with it, and some who seem to come out the other side feeling better about themselves. At best, I hope to be one of those ladies and just go into denial in the meantime that it's coming (looming).


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Oh gees .. I forgot about the thinning hair issue .. this is going to make her go nuts too.

Just wish she would be more open minded to drug therapies.

Seems like you are in the same boat. But are you telling your husband that sex will be out of the question in the future?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

norajane said:


> I read the menopause threads here for the same reason you posted, and I have yet to find anything that really makes me feel any better about it.


Well, I try to post on every menopause thread what my personal experience is with it - does it really not help at all to hear that I think it's a wonderful time of life that women, and society, should be celebrating?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

FYI my hair has gotten thicker - I have actually stopped losing as much when I comb it out - and it's gotten nice and bouncy curly as I get older. I get compliments on it all the time.


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

That is great to hear. My wife loses hair every morning when she combs it.

NoraJane: Glance through all the responses and you will see that it is not all bad. For some the effects are stronger than others. I guess you can't tell until you actually go through it. So my advice to you is to not dwell on it, and see what happens.

I have noticed that posters also seem to indicate it comes at a time in life where other things are changing - such as the kids are getting out of the house and such. So with multiple things in life going on at once, it is difficult to comprehend what one change is like without the others.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

fightforher said:


> Just wish she would be more open minded to drug therapies.


HRT is NOT good for women unless it's natural. The cream I use has real progesterone in it, not the synthetic progestin that most doctors prescribe. Many doctors don't even know that progestin is different from progesterone.


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Ooooohhhh another good thing to know. I ordered the book you (Hope1964) suggested, but I have not got it yet.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Well, I try to post on every menopause thread what my personal experience is with it - does it really not help at all to hear that I think it's a wonderful time of life that women, and society, should be celebrating?


It helps for a little while, Hope, but then a week later when the thought comes to mind again, the fear and dread is still there. 

Because if it really were a time worth celebrating, wouldn't we already be celebrating it? Women have been going through menopause forever, and yet there hasn't been much celebrating going on...

Hallmark and spas need to get on the ball - cards and massages for everyone during menopause! When is National Menopause Month??? Or Menopause and Massage Day?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

fightforher said:


> That is great to hear. My wife loses hair every morning when she combs it.
> 
> NoraJane: Glance through all the responses and you will see that it is not all bad. For some the effects are stronger than others. *I guess you can't tell until you actually go through it. *So my advice to you is to not dwell on it, and see what happens.
> 
> I have noticed that posters also seem to indicate it comes at a time in life where other things are changing - such as the kids are getting out of the house and such. So with multiple things in life going on at once, it is difficult to comprehend what one change is like without the others.


That's it exactly. You just don't know until it happens and you go through it. The uncertainty is what keeps the fear going.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

fightforher said:


> Ooooohhhh another good thing to know. I ordered the book you (Hope1964) suggested, but I have not got it yet.


It should be covered in Dr. Lees books. That's where I learned about it.

There are a kajillion natural remedies for menopause symptoms - you can find most of them with google  I also have an herbal spray that I keep by my bed to help with night sweats. I actually don't use it as often now as I used to - my hot flashes are practically non existent. Anyway, what works for me may not work for your wife. But keep trying - she wouldn't mind if you bought her some natural stuff just to try it out if she starts getting symptoms, would she? Even certain aromatherapy candles are supposed to help.

Oh, and for lube we use coconut oil. The organic unrefined stuff. Coconut oil is the most awesome stuff - we use it in the kitchen, the bedroom, as a hand lotion, I even use it in my hair sometimes. I have found that I am drier down there the last couple of years, but rubbing coconut oil onto me is something hubby seems to enjoy, and I certainly do too


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

fightforher said:


> Oh gees .. I forgot about the thinning hair issue .. this is going to make her go nuts too.
> 
> Just wish she would be more open minded to drug therapies.
> 
> Seems like you are in the same boat. But are you telling your husband that sex will be out of the question in the future?


I'm open to healthy drug therapies, which it seems I would have to seek out on my own since the typical HRT is questionable. I have no issue with drugs - better living through pharmacology!

No, I don't say sex will be out of the question. I'm certainly hoping it won't be and plan to do what I can to maintain the sexy and the intimacy. To be honest, I've been trying to stay in denial and not think about it since it hasn't started happening to me yet. So I haven't talked with him about it in any depth. At some point I will, but more likely from the perspective of, "be prepared, I will need a LOT of hand holding, wine and chocolate to get through this."


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

norajane said:


> It helps for a little while, Hope, but then a week later when the thought comes to mind again, the fear and dread is still there.
> 
> Because if it really were a time worth celebrating, wouldn't we already be celebrating it? Women have been going through menopause forever, and yet there hasn't been much celebrating going on...
> 
> Hallmark and spas need to get on the ball - cards and massages for everyone during menopause! When is National Menopause Month??? Or Menopause and Massage Day?


Thing is, it DID used to be cause for celebration, traditionally. Think of aboriginal cultures. It really bugs me that everyone now just assumes it's going to be this huge, huge horrible THING that's going to happen. It's all in your mind. You have to change your fundamental attitude about it. 

Apparently October is Menopause Month, but it sounds like (from my quick google) that it's more about promoting research and awareness of the symptoms and treatments available than celebrating it.

I really think that the SAD (standard amercian diet) of processed chemicalized food has a LOT to do with the way modern women experience all these negative symptoms and the fact it has such a negative connotation in todays society.


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

She may be more responsive to "natural" remedies. She generally goes for the "organic" stuff, and looks for things you can mix together in a blender to help her out when she gets a cold (I shop, she mixes). So I will have to look for these.

Hum, rubbing coconut oil on her sounds really good right now.

NoraJane: Yup, knowing it is coming and not being able to do anything about it and not knowing how bad and uncomfortable it will be. For guys, I suppose it is prostrate cancer that looms over our heads - not that I am special, but it runs in the family for me. So when I think about that .. I am not pleased either.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Prostate cancer is a disease. Menopause is a NATURAL PROCESS. Women are SUPPOSED to go through menopause. Men are NOT supposed to get prostate cancer.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

fightforher said:


> Hum, rubbing coconut oil on her sounds really good right now.


Go out and get some, today, and ask her tonight if you can give her a massage with it. Don't spend too long on her non-erogenous zones, though, or you might end up putting her to sleep


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

So I should be able to find coconut oil in the grocery store?

Sounds great, "ask her tonight if you can give her a massage with it."

However she is away on a business trip ..


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> Prostate cancer is a disease. Menopause is a NATURAL PROCESS. Women are SUPPOSED to go through menopause. Men are NOT supposed to get prostate cancer.


I apologize for trying to cast too many similarities on menopause and prostrate cancer. They are different. It is just for me the gene pool is stacked against me so I expect to get it. However, I don't know when, and the later the better. I did not really mean to try to equate the two. Just wanted to say that I can have some sympathy regarding something that is going to happen to you and you can't stop it and it is not pleasant.

Again, accept my apology. Your input is valuable to me.

Thanks


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Prostate cancer is a disease. Menopause is a NATURAL PROCESS. Women are SUPPOSED to go through menopause. Men are NOT supposed to get prostate cancer.


It's not entirely clear that nature agrees with you on this one, given the number of men who get it. I've heard it said that if a man lives long enough (for whatever definition of long enough), his chances of showing prostate cancer at the autopsy approach 100%.


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> *Go out and get some, today*, and ask her tonight if you can give her a massage with it. Don't spend too long on her non-erogenous zones, though, or you might end up putting her to sleep


Ok, I got some. I was surprised that it comes in two different basic types. Coconut oil that is a liquid, and also one that seems to be a while soft solid in a jar. :scratchhead: I got the jar .. I hope i got the right stuff. Can somebody out there let me know if I should have got the liquid. Thanks


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## code20 (Feb 5, 2014)

I am officially in menopause this year- I am 45. It has been wonderful for me, because it ended the pre menstual depression I had endured every month since age 13! It usually was just a day or 2 but it sucked horribly. I have a jar of the coconut oil - good stuff! I use the solid, it will sometimes be liquid when it gets hot in the summer.

I think less estrogen has made me more assertive about what I want and like, which my husband likes. I take No drugs, experience no symptoms but the dryness (which is no big thing) and have no depression/pms - it's lovely.

So everyone's experience is different. Just because the pop culture says you get sick and crazy doesn't mean it's a fact. My husband was expecting me to act crazy because his mom did when he was a teen. He was quite surprised at how well it turned out for us.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

code20 said:


> I am officially in menopause this year- I am 45. It has been wonderful for me, because it ended the pre menstual depression I had endured every month since age 13! It usually was just a day or 2 but it sucked horribly. I have a jar of the coconut oil - good stuff!* I use the solid*, it will sometimes be liquid when it gets hot in the summer.
> 
> I think less estrogen has made me more assertive about what I want and like, which my husband likes. I take *No drugs*, experience no symptoms but the dryness (which is no big thing) and have no depression/pms - it's lovely.
> 
> ...


Good, I got the right stuff 

And it is nice to hear that somebody is adjusting well even without drugs. So it is possible  She has not really suffered much with PMS. Sometimes she gets a little irritable, but most of the time she never complains. Another thing that varies a lot from person to person.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I am 51 and have been in perimenopause for several years now. I didn't like being pregnant and I'm not finding these symptoms to be much to celebrate either. However, once I stop menstruating, I will be jumping for joy because I am so over having my period!

But I LOVE being 51! I loved turning 50! I love this age and can't say enough great things about it!

I finally am just fine and dandy with my body. I experienced that huge spike in sex drive when I hit my 40's and it has only recently slowed to what most would consider fairly normal. So having a strong sex drive combined with being AOkay with my body has shown me how absolutely fabulous life is when you're having fun!

My hair is thicker then it has ever been, and I have rather fine hair normally. It is longer and healthier then it has ever been, though I have no idea why that is. My skin is just as healthy as it always has been.

I use coconut oil for lubrication every time and I apply it myself while my husband watches....guess what I want honey! 

I have some annoying symptoms, mood swing, hot flashes, insomnia, some weigh gain, but I am treating them with low dose antidepressants, and herbal supplements. It got pretty bad for a while but now that I'm on this new regimen things are much better!

Now if my period would just STOP already!


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

AP,

So nice to hear. Sounds like you are actually going through it with minimal drugs and feeling great. And not having those other undesirable side effects like loss of hair. Wow, so far from the doom and gloom! Thanks so much for sharing

I am still a little ignorant here, you say your period has not stopped? Did it become irregular, or did it start "skipping" or what? Right now I can predict my wife's period down to a day generally. So, does the period simply become totally unpredictable, or just could occur anytime after 28 days from the last one (i.e. from on time to very late)? Or does it simply skip, and just fails to occur this cycle?

In addition the period become unpredictable as to how heavy it is? Or it is always about the same?

Thanks


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

For 3 years it's been unpredictable in all aspects. Could be light and be two days, could be heavy for two, could be light for 8 could be heavy for 5, could skip 3 months, could get it every month. No way to predict! Annoying as hell!


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Oh that does sound annoying. At our house I am the one on period monitoring duty. When we go on any trip, I am the one that tells her if she needs to pack any pads. When she gets dressed for the day, I am the one that tells here if those panties are a bad choice for the day (thongs and pads bad mix). So when the time comes and she is totally unpredictable she is always going to have to be prepared.

I guess the good part is that one day it will be the last one EVER!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

fightforher said:


> Oh that does sound annoying. At our house I am the one on period monitoring duty. When we go on any trip, I am the one that tells her if she needs to pack any pads. When she gets dressed for the day, I am the one that tells here if those panties are a bad choice for the day (thongs and pads bad mix). So when the time comes and she is totally unpredictable she is always going to have to be prepared.
> 
> I guess the good part is that one day it will be the last one EVER!


My husband was the same way, he always knew when I was due to get my period probably self preservation... I still don't keep track of it but he always knows when I had the last one. You men!!!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Cletus said:


> It's not entirely clear that nature agrees with you on this one, given the number of men who get it. I've heard it said that if a man lives long enough (for whatever definition of long enough), his chances of showing prostate cancer at the autopsy approach 100%.


It just is not normally the cause of death in a man, is what I heard.


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

menopause. Its like a roller coaster at an amusement park. Sometimes it going up, sometimes its going down, and you never know whats around the corner and it seems like this thing is about to come off the track at any moment. 

I can leave my, woman in the morning happy and cheerful and come home to a woman in tears not wanting anything to do with me and by 9 pm all she wants to do is f--k me. 

I am not confused why. LOL


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Happyquest said:


> menopause. Its like a roller coaster at an amusement park. Sometimes it going up, sometimes its going down, and you never know whats around the corner and it seems like this thing is about to come off the track at any moment.
> 
> I can leave my, woman in the morning happy and cheerful and come home to a woman in tears not wanting anything to do with me and by 9 pm all she wants to do is f--k me.
> 
> I am not confused why. LOL


This brings up a point that kind of bothers me. It's being out of control emotionally. I know our husbands get the brunt of this and feel... IDK like vctims or put upon... I feel badly about that, I really do. I really wish I could keep myself emotionally stable all the time. But hormones are very powerful mood adjusters and it IS out of our control more often than we wish.

Happyguest has demonstrated both empathy/understanding and rightfully feeling a little sensitive at the instability.

My husband has been pretty understanding too. Great, I just found another area in which he has totally stepped up!


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

Coconut oil is absolutely amazing. Never felt any lube like it, and it prevents yeast infections. It implodes yeast I believe.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Coldie said:


> Coconut oil is absolutely amazing. Never felt any lube like it, and it prevents yeast infections. It implodes yeast I believe.


Yep.

Yes the solid is what we use. The liquid stuff is processed somehow to remain liquid below room temp. The solid just melts in your hand/on your body, because it melts at something like 25C. I like the sensation of the cool solid melting on my skin, but if you want to you can heat it gently in the microwave to melt it and heat it up a bit before you use it.

Did you get the unrefined stuff that smells like coconuts? Mmmmm.

When is your wife home, fightforher?


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Happyquest said:


> menopause. Its like a roller coaster at an amusement park. Sometimes it going up, sometimes its going down, and you never know whats around the corner and it seems like this thing is about to come off the track at any moment.


This is one thing I will have to keep in my mind. Hormones are powerful things. Trouble is, I can understand it, know what it is, but when something happens I just might say or do something that is not supportive. But I am going to do my best to be supportive, and my best to remember that hormones rule.

If I were a woman, and I heard things like this, it would be scary. After all, who would want to be told that there is a time in your life that is going to last for years that you are going to lose some control of how you feel and there is nothing you can do about it. Almost sounds like a chapter in a science fiction novel - chapter 12, a mad scientist puts a computer chip in her brain to control her moods from a remote control center where he monitors the experiment.


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> Yep.
> 
> Yes the solid is what we use. The liquid stuff is processed somehow to remain liquid below room temp. The solid just melts in your hand/on your body, because it melts at something like 25C. I like the sensation of the cool solid melting on my skin, but if you want to you can heat it gently in the microwave to melt it and heat it up a bit before you use it.
> 
> ...


I got the "Organic Coconut Oil" that says "refined for medium high heat." The label also says "For body care, place jar in warm water to liquify. Massage into skin or apply to hair for one hour, then rinse thoroughly." So, I hope this is good.

She is coming home tomorrow night. But I am going to bet that she will be in an odd place due to the jet lag. These trips are so hard on her. She sounded sleepy and tired on the phone a little bit ago. So I expect her to have considerable trouble getting back to this time zone. To boot her period is going to start in a few days. Perhaps I can talk her into a massage during that week  No sex, just a massage .. gets me excited to think about touching her.

To make matters worse, there is yet another trip planned for her in a week - going west instead of east - more troublesome jet lag for her.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> Yep.
> 
> Yes the solid is what we use. The liquid stuff is processed somehow to remain liquid below room temp. The solid just melts in your hand/on your body, because it melts at something like 25C. I like the sensation of the cool solid melting on my skin, but if you want to you can heat it gently in the microwave to melt it and heat it up a bit before you use it.
> 
> ...


The solid natural virgin is what we use. So many reasons this is good, but the main reason is it's the best lube I've ever tried. Not slimey, not overly wet, not gel, but it just creates a nice non friction feel. For anal, my wife loves it and it keeps everything smelling like coconut. For vaginal, it helps keep out the yeast when you are having sex and on some sort of antibiotics that kills the good bacteria that regulates in that area.

Good for massages though? Grape seed oil. Oh my.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

fightforher said:


> I got the "Organic Coconut Oil" that says "refined for medium high heat." The label also says "For body care, place jar in warm water to liquify. Massage into skin or apply to hair for one hour, then rinse thoroughly." So, I hope this is good.


Yes, the organic virgin. You can also rub a peice of bread on her afterwords and have a sex sandwich. lol.

It's edible.


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Coldie said:


> The solid natural virgin is what we use. So many reasons this is good, but the main reason is it's the best lube I've ever tried. Not slimey, not overly wet, not gel, but it just creates a nice non friction feel. For anal, my wife loves it and it keeps everything smelling like coconut. For vaginal, it helps keep out the yeast when you are having sex and on some sort of antibiotics that kills the good bacteria that regulates in that area.
> 
> Good for massages though? Grape seed oil. Oh my.


I wonder if it helps avoid UTI. Last time I did oral on her she got a UTI and blamed it on me. If this is prevents her from getting a UTI with oral then I am really for it. Anybody have experience with UTI, oral sex and prevention?


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

fightforher said:


> I wonder if it helps avoid UTI. Last time I did oral on her she got a UTI and blamed it on me. If this is prevents her from getting a UTI with oral then I am really for it. Anybody have experience with UTI, oral sex and prevention?


The mouth can have a lot yeast and oral sex can create yeast infections. Yeast infections can lead to UTIs. But the mouth can probably cause UTI's just from the bacteria. It's weird though because saliva has enzymes that kill bacteria, which is why we do not get sick, even with our mouths being so "dirty."

Unsure about that.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

The best way to avoid sex-related UTI's is to pee right after. The woman, not the man  I rarely get them myself, but used to. UTI's are usually bacterial, not yeast. If I think I can feel one coming on, I get a bottle of pure cranberry juice from the health store and mix it about 1 to 5 with water and drink a gallon or so of it over the space of a couple hours. Zaps it right gone, that does.

Geez, blaming you for her getting a UTI?? That's low, sorry to say.  

Next time you buy coconut oil try to find 'unrefined/virgin'. Not only does it smell better, but it hasn't been bleached and it comes from a better part of the plant. Refined is mainly for cooking. What you have is great tho!


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## RedRose14 (Aug 15, 2013)

Are there any menopausal ladies who have managed to have a pain-free sexlife *without* oral hrt *or* vaginal oestrogen? For myself I can't manage without vaginal oestrogen.

Anon, are you still using the estring?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

RedRose14 said:


> Are there any menopausal ladies who have managed to have a pain-free sexlife *without* oral hrt *or* vaginal oestrogen?


Me. I've posted extensively in this thread about my own experiences.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

RedRose14 said:


> Are there any menopausal ladies who have managed to have a pain-free sexlife *without* oral hrt *or* vaginal oestrogen? For myself I can't manage without vaginal oestrogen.
> 
> Anon, are you still using the estring?


Yes, specifically to combat UTI's. My GYN said it's likely not a string of UTI's but urethritis caused by lack of lubrication under normal circumstances, ie not during sex, which causes the urethra to become too dry. Then during sex it gets "roughed up" causing painful urination.

So far using estring...no UTIs.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

fightforher said:


> This is one thing I will have to keep in my mind. Hormones are powerful things. Trouble is, I can understand it, know what it is, but when something happens I just might say or do something that is not supportive. But I am going to do my best to be supportive, and my best to remember that hormones rule.
> 
> If I were a woman, and I heard things like this, it would be scary. After all, who would want to be told that there is a time in your life that is going to last for years that you are going to lose some control of how you feel and there is nothing you can do about it. Almost sounds like a chapter in a science fiction novel - chapter 12, a mad scientist puts a computer chip in her brain to control her moods from a remote control center where he monitors the experiment.


Until I got onto HRT that's how I felt, but normalcy reigned within days of starting to use my 'granny patches.' I was a divorced parent and, sadly, my teenage son bore the brunt of mood swings. Then almost like magic, a calm hush descended upon my world and I felt wonderful!

I'm post-meno, now, and I've never suffered from lack of lubrication or sex drive.

There are risks involved with HRT, but my attitude is quality of life - for myself and those around me


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Cosmos said:


> Until I got onto HRT that's how I felt, but normalcy reigned within days of starting to use my 'granny patches.' I was a divorced parent and, sadly, my teenage son bore the brunt of mood swings. Then almost like magic, a calm hush descended upon my world and I felt wonderful!
> 
> I'm post-meno, now, and I've never suffered from lack of lubrication or sex drive.
> 
> There are risks involved with HRT, but my attitude is quality of life - for myself and those around me


Now that you are post menopausal, do you still use HRT?


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> The best way to avoid sex-related UTI's is to pee right after. The woman, not the man  I rarely get them myself, but used to. UTI's are usually bacterial, not yeast. If I think I can feel one coming on, I get a bottle of pure cranberry juice from the health store and mix it about 1 to 5 with water and drink a gallon or so of it over the space of a couple hours. Zaps it right gone, that does.
> 
> Geez, blaming you for her getting a UTI?? That's low, sorry to say.
> 
> Next time you buy coconut oil try to find 'unrefined/virgin'. Not only does it smell better, but it hasn't been bleached and it comes from a better part of the plant. Refined is mainly for cooking. What you have is great tho!


She does pee immediately after. And she also rinses with warm water (not hot), and then towel dries. I got the cranberry juice, but she does not drink much of it. I am going to have to shop at the health store next time (there are a lot of cranberry juices at the market that are mixed with all sort of other things). I have heard that the juice is more for prevention, rather than a cure. But you say you use it when you first notice signs, so perhaps it works for you because you catch it early enough.

Next time I will look for the unrefined/virgin stuff. I have not opened the jar yet, so I could go back to the store and exchange it.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

fightforher said:


> Next time I will look for the unrefined/virgin stuff. I have not opened the jar yet, so I could go back to the store and exchange it.


No, don't worry about it, unless you think your wife will care


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Me. I've posted extensively in this thread about my own experiences.


Hope, I think you said you're using bio-identical hormones? Where do you get such things if they aren't prescribed by a doctor? What should one look for when searching them out?


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> Next time you buy coconut oil try to find 'unrefined/virgin'. Not only does it smell better, but it hasn't been bleached and it comes from a better part of the plant. Refined is mainly for cooking. What you have is great tho!


Oh this is funny. I just went upstairs to our bedroom and guess what I found on the counter in our bathroom, that's right, extra virgin coconut oil in a jar. :lol: She has had it all along, just never used it for sex. :scratchhead: Guess it is up to me to teach her what it was made for


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I am in peri if not full menopause now, haven't had a period for about 9 months. The two year prior it was every 3 or 4 months. Am 47 now and was about 45 when peri started.

I have no other symptoms except no periods. Oh I do get a very itchy scalp but no mood swings, hot flushes. Lube is not an issue and my sex drive has not changed at all. Was always HD and still am.

I'm a strict vegetarian and do believe that diet plays a big role in all of this. Not suggesting that people become veggo but that it could well help to look at diet and take out some of the rubbish and eat less meat.


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Holland said:


> I'm a strict vegetarian and do believe that diet plays a big role in all of this. Not suggesting that people become veggo but that it could well help to look at diet and take out some of the rubbish and eat less meat.


I don't think you are the first one here to mention the vegetarian diet the help with the symptoms. If it really does work, then my wife would have a solution she could live with. She goes vegetarian for a week or so at some times of the year (religious reasons).


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> I have not had a period since I was 42... I am almost 59. While menopause changes things..it is not gloom and doom. We still have sex everyday my husband is home..and many times... 2 or 3 times a day on weekends.
> 
> The biggest complication for me has been vaginal dryness. Sometimes..I am ok..but other times I need to use a lubricant.
> 
> ...


How did you know that the drugs caused the fibrosis tic masses? After you stopped the drugs did it go away? I am not familiar with this at all, so bare with my naive questions.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Cranberry pills work better than the juice I have read, for UTI"s


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> I get the bio identical pellets inserted in my hip in September, again in December. The lumps came in January. I chose to not continue the hormone therapy. It took about 8 months but the masses did go away. My ob/ gyn said they were caused by the hormones. She was proven to be correct.


Thanks. Well, that pretty much is a case of cause and effect. This really helps me understand where she is coming from. A few stories like this with facts behind them and I would be scared to take the hormones too.


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## longtimemarried (Apr 4, 2012)

I've been post-menopausal for five years. I don't follow any special diet. I have never taken any hormones. I don't take any medications at all. I have never experienced vaginal dryness, hair loss, mood swings, or hot flashes. I can't recommend a good lube for vaginal sex, because I've never used any. I have only used lube for anal. My sex drive during my forties was too high, it is better now. I also have more orgasms now. I've had some insomnia, but no other adverse effect of menopause. Each woman experiences menopause in an unique way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

norajane said:


> Hope, I think you said you're using bio-identical hormones? Where do you get such things if they aren't prescribed by a doctor? What should one look for when searching them out?


I get the cream that Dr. Lee sells on his website. He also recommends others in his books. It isn't prescription since it's a natural product. Here's his FAQ

FAQ's About Progesterone Cream


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## LadyDee (Oct 1, 2013)

fightforher said:


> Thanks. Well, that pretty much is a case of cause and effect. This really helps me understand where she is coming from. A few stories like this with facts behind them and I would be scared to take the hormones too.


The bioidentical hormones can be a blessing, but you have to be sure you monitor things very carefully and make sure you are optimal on all your hormones. I also get pellets T & E), use progesterone cream (the key to balance of Estrogen) and take supplements for the other hormones that are not optimal, it's not just about Estrogen.

Like others have said, menopause/post menopausal is not the end of the world there are things you can do but there are many FB pages about the topics of hormones/perimenopause etc that have 100's of women who are suffering through all this, it's not as cut and dried as some might want to think when it comes to hormones, some women suffer horribly and they don't want to be like that either, they wish they could turn it all off, I feel for many of them going through it too, one size does not fit all !!


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

For me this has been a bit of an eye opener. The differences between different women, the effects and side effects of hormones and just all the fear of it coming and can't be avoided. The fact that you don't know how it is going to effect you, It has been an eye opener. I am glad my wife has not started this yet. I prefer to be ready, and with as much information as possible about it.

Thanks posters!


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

CharlieParker said:


> Not sure if I already posted it in this thread but be careful how you present it. I came across as trying to "fix" her "condition". Of course not my intent but that's how she felt.


Good point. I will be careful to try not to "fix" her. :lol:

She is pretty strong willed, and so I don't think I will come across as trying to "fix" her. However, I gotta remember that the hormones change how she feels and her perception of things too.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Just wanted to thank LadyDee for changing her spooky as hell avatar! No more spider legs coming out of that eyeball!


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## LadyDee (Oct 1, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Just wanted to thank LadyDee for changing her spooky as hell avatar! No more spider legs coming out of that eyeball!


Anon, you might be thinking of another avatar, I haven't touched mine since I put it up a couple months ago. :scratchhead:


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Your wife has succumbed to societies view of menopause as a horrible thing that all women have to suffer through and that all husbands should beware of. I find it so sad that this is how menopause is viewed today.
> 
> Traditionally, menopause was cause for celebration. Women were considered wiser and were revered for it. Older women were looked up to and the younger generation celebrated their age with them.
> 
> ...



I started into menopause at 48. Great first year too. Menopause lasted 11 years for me. Each year brought on different issues, and I tried different treatments, holistic & traditional, w side effects to watch out for. For me, it was the most 11 miserable years of my life, & only got worst as the time went on. I couldn't imagine the early women of the 1800, or the Victorian Era, how they ever survived.

Menopause is completely different for every women, no two are alike really. Some sail through without even knowing, some not. 

My mom died before I could ask her about her during that time, but an aunt did tell me, her's was a terrible, terrible time, and last for many years.

I am now 1 yr out of menopause, and am so ready for the next part of my life. 


-sammy


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

sammy3 said:


> I started into menopause at 48. *Great first year too.* Menopause lasted 11 years for me. Each year brought on different issues, and I tried different treatments, holistic & traditional, w side effects to watch out for. For me, it was the *most 11 miserable years of my life*, & only got worst as the time went on. I couldn't imagine the early women of the 1800, or the Victorian Era, how they ever survived.
> 
> Menopause is completely different for every women, no two are alike really. Some sail through without even knowing, some not.
> 
> ...


The math does not add up?

Menopause = 11 years
First year was great
but 11 years was miserable ?

Sorry, but I sense there is a little more information. Perhaps the onset of menopause is not an exact date? Or even an exact month?

And how do you know your done? Do you gradually start to feel better, or is it more sudden? 

I am so sorry that it was so miserable for you. Makes me sad to think that a person has to go through this sort of discomfort just because nature put a time bomb in their body and they are stuck with the consequences of it going off.

Well, it is good that it is over.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

fightforher,

I started into menopause at 48, and by the the age of 58, most symptoms subsided, by age 59, symptoms stopped completely. Age 60. None so far.
My dr explain, as in menopause, you go one full yr w-out a period, end of menopause, you go 1 year w symptom free.

I say I started menopause at 48, because that really was the beginning of all the early changes. Call it what you want, it is a process of life, not something that happens over night. hope that clears the confusion up. 

-sammy


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Yup, that does clear things up. The docs definition also makes it clear that it is a "very fuzzy" time frame.

Thanks


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

FRH, 
Believe me, once you go through it all, and you look back, it all makes sense... you just have to live through it first... 
as I said, every women experience is different, just as every pre- teen, & as every pregnancy is... 

-sammy


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

sammy3 said:


> FRH,
> Believe me, once you go through it all, and you look back, it all makes sense... you just have to live through it first...
> as I said, every women experience is different, just as every pre- teen, & as every pregnancy is...
> 
> -sammy


Oh, that is a good connection .. pregnancy is so ... just SSSSOOO different for each person. And it is so different each time even for the same person. I wonder if menopause would be different each time if you had go through it several times .. ha ha :rofl:


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> I found Dr. Lees books "What you Dr May not Tell You About....." to be very helpful, and the only thing I take is his natural progesterone cream. I highly recommend his books - he explains the difference between 'estrogen deficiency', which is what mainstream HRT treats, and 'estrogen dominance', which is something many doctors don't even know about.
> diet.


Hope1964, I got he book from the library .. and read through the intro and forward. Looks really good .. Thanks for the info


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

fightforher said:


> Hi,
> 
> My question is about what happens to a woman's sex drive when she goes through menopause and after menopause.
> 
> ...



Some ladies get a major sex drive boost and some lose their sex drive all together.

When she married you, she is to take care of your needs as her own. What she wants alone is irrelevant. You are not your selves, and you are to take care of each others needs as your own. Otherwise, she is selfish and making you suffer and she is your wife?!

If she knows you love sex, and want sex with her often, she should be making the effort to want sex with you. She should never let you know if she's not in the mood and give you that attitude when having sex. Total mood killer and insulting.

She now has the opportunity to research what can be done to boost her sex drive, if it drops off during menopause. Meds, exercises, supplements, foods, toys, etc. Or she can do nothing and at that point, I have no sympathy for her.

If she truly loves you, she will make the effort to keep the sex life going, increase it, out of love for you and your needs. If she doesn't, she is the problem.

If she doesn't take care of your needs, you don't care of hers. Marriage is 50 / 50.

If you are already taking care of her needs, don't let her get away with not taking care of your needs.

Wish you the best brother.


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Thanks guys,

I have been reading "What your Doctor may not tell you about Menopause." And it is an eye opener. Another book about HRT (The truth about hormone replacement therapy) also talks a lot about these things. In particular the second book describes how the pharmaceutical companies try to influence women and doctors. 

I have learned a lot more respect for menopause itself. Especially with some of the "quick fixes" that were prescribed in the past that had side effects. This is the sort of thing that scares my wife. So now I understand a bit more about her resistance to going to the doctor and getting a quick prescription.

At least I have a better understanding for her point of view now. Now if I can just convince her of my desire to have a sex life, perhaps we can find a compromise ground and be happy.

Has anybody gone through menopause with a lower libido but forced themselves to give their husband sex? Or substitute hand jobs and BJ during the time where sex is not a priority.


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## edgya1234 (Apr 10, 2014)

fightforher said:


> Hi,
> 
> My question is about what happens to a woman's sex drive when she goes through menopause and after menopause.
> 
> ...


OK. As any self respectable pretty woman, although is in a distant future, I've asked my doctor about what it means. 
So maybe this will help turn her opinion around: when a woman gets at the menopause she gets old - literally over night - wrinkles, the skin looses its elasticity, the hair gets thinner, a lot of disease such as osteoporosis etc. 
Hormones and there other revolutionary medicines can delay the menopause so therefore delay the process of getting old. 
Is there any woman in the world that wants wrinkles, less hair, osteoporosis instead of a treatment?...I don't think so 
So just tell her something like " Honey I understand that you are against drugs however did you know what is happening besides sex drive...and get online and show her.
She might have a change of heart


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

CharlieParker,

I appreciate the open response. Sounds like you guys have made a few "adjustments." However it also sounds like you have put the necessary effort into it from both sides to make it all good in the end. I like that. I hope I can come though as good as that. That is, I hope I can be rational and not make it a mess.


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