# My wife feels like a failure and a loser and seems to have given up.



## ShouldBeHappy

I'm not sure I can fix this anymore.

We have two beautiful, intelligent children; live in a nice house, are in our 40s, I have been able to provide enough so that my wife can be a stay at home Mom for the kids, now 10 and 12, and we can afford 2 cars, periodic vacations, music lessons, and her Shotokan Karate lessons.

We have few friends, and me, basically just people at work, so I'm not sure they are really friends. We both come from alcoholic parents, though my wife's father rotted away the last 10 years of his life on it. I know that plagues her thoughts, that she is repeating his life, but we are not alcoholics. We drink, but not more than 1 or 2 glasses of wine/bottles of beer 2-3 times a week. I can't remember the last time that we drank so much that we couldn't legally drive a car, but its been years. When I travel for work, I know she drinks 1 or 2, but usually, we don't drink alone. 

Anyways, we keep having the same issues, about how we have the worst kept house on the street, laundry in baskets, clutter everywhere, the sinks are full and counters always piled high. The show "Hoarder's" is starting to hit a little too close to home, but we're not even 10% there yet. We argue how she won't really think about returning to the job force even though she is extremely well educated, but she consider her advanced degree a waste. She won't even contemplate what to do, and throws up her hands in frustration. This has been going on for years. I try to help/guide her, but frankly, she's smarter and more accomplished then me. There's always a list of reasons and excuses. Before she left her job 9 years ago to be with the kids, that was a goal, to identify what she really might want to do when the kids were both in school full time which happened 4 years ago. Still no plans, ideas, goals, not even a manila folder with a post-it inside.

I'm busy working, sometimes traveling for work, and she's home, ostensibly working to maintain the house, but just can't seem to get the basics done. Now I have to nag to have the baskets of clothes put away or my shirts dropped off/picked up at the cleaners, because she doesn't want to iron. We can only have guests on Sundays so that we have enough time on Saturday to clean up. Other times, when I start to help, I get yelled at, or huffed at, and she starts to feel bad. Damned if I do, Damned if I don't. She does a lot, but many things she only does to 80% or 90% of completion.

I know she's extremely depressed, she's been to therapy, but stopped. She digs into self help, Zen, and other palliatives, but comes up wanting. It always sounds good when she reads it and she seems invigorated, but incorporating the advice into daily living elludes her and me. I'm trying too. Depression is a hard beast to tame, and we're not big fans of Big Pharma and all their wares. 

I can't figure out how to motivate her, because we can't ever talk about our marriage, the kids, the house without her getting uptight, uncommunicative, and defensive. When that happens she just starts twisting and warping what I say to use as a bludgeon against herself. Sometimes my physical presence seems to hurt her at times, but I start to leave the room and she cries and is tearful and will say anything. I can't hold her to promises she makes then, and there are always big promises, but impossible. I'm so jaded now, its hard to show hope when I am talking to her anymore.

Last night, I suggested if it would make her happy, she could move out and focus on karate and building a life to make herself happy, and she said I was after her life insurance money. Huh? I don't want her dead, I just want her happy. Moving out would rob her of the life she said, but its a life that she does not seem to want, to work for that just depresses her.

The one thing she doesn't skip or not finish is Karate. Its not just working out at the gym (to get stronger for Karate), which I encourage, its all the crap with the Shotokan people, the drama, the injuries, and rejection from them that further depresses my wife, and her being 40 and not being able to keep up with a 25 year old guys in class doesn't help either. We're in our 40s. We're not dead, we can run, climb, swim, hike, but we just have to accept, we may not be able to beat a 20 something in top shape. But that depresses her further. They seem to be mean to my wife too, and she's not happy when I point that out. Its a toxic environment for her, but she won't rethink her obsession or that class.

I love her, but I'm just not sure how much more to put up with. How do you know when to leave? I don't want the kids to be stuck dealing with her depressions or divorce fallout, so I think I want her to leave. But I still love her. I think she loves me, or more likely, is afraid to be alone. To not know if you are loved by your wife kind of sucks.

I do not believe she has cheated on me, nor have I cheated on her.

Is there a moment, an epiphany of sorts, or do you just flip a coin. How many times do you say "I'm not ready to give up yet" before its too many? 30? 40 times? If you start keeping count? Should I wait until I'm 50 years old?

I just have this incredible sense of loneliness, and I'm beginning to wonder if happiness is just overrated, or "is that all there is". Live, breed, die. Life sucks, so wear a helmet.

Obviously, I'm depressed too, and probably need help, but her depression is a huge source of my depression, which probably isn't fair, and I'm working on that. I just wish I didn't have rely on hugs from my children to keep me going. Where is my wife? My son gave me a hug last night after one of the bouts with my wife and my eyes teared up. He knows. Poor kids, they deserve better. Why can't she just stop feeling like a loser and be nicer to us? 


Advice? Books? Websites? Tissue?

I know it may sound late, but we'll be seeking counseling soon.


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## okeydokie

this is incredibly similar to my situation, and i mean incredibly (similar kid ages, SAH wife who is highly educated, etc,).

my wife is a hoarder, a major slob, junk collector...stuff piled high in certain parts of the house. i CANNOT touch her stuff, it is precious to her even though its a stack of 5 year old magazines or old kids toys or clothes. and i mean it is everywhere, i had to move out of our master bedroom its so bad.

she also has health issues that she doesnt seek help for and it pizzes me off royally. she is tired and listless most of the time, again she seeks no help. it makes ME depressed to see her like that. i have talked to her until blue in the face, no impact. i have moved out, no impact. she has become a lost cause to me.

i have been dealing with this for 15+ years so its not a new problem. i have seriously tried different approaches and techniques and nothing changes.

i feel your pain, but your wife like mine will have to want to change in order to progress. in our discussions my wife finds every way to blame me for all her problems. her health issues are due to me, her hoarding is my fault, bla blah. my sympathy reserve is long run out. i try to see the better side of her, sometimes things are ok and we are intimate, but not near often enough.

i will look forward to the advice given here as well. i sure some will blame us for this...lol


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## michzz

Reevaluate your objection to Big Pharma.

Find a doctor to treat depression and cut out the booze entirely.

Note: your wife is highly educated and is reduced to laundry duty. And she hates doing laundry so doesn't really do it.

So, maybe hire someone to do the laundry. But not so she can just wallow some more. She has to start doing something constructive besides karate.


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## ShouldBeHappy

Thanks for your support. I think your situation was much worse than mine is now.

But your right, she needs to want to change.


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## ShouldBeHappy

A highly educated woman doing laundry is a challenge. For me to even suggest that, in her mind, makes her feel more like a failure. We've talked endlessly about how its not gratifying to do house work, its endless, but it has become a touchy subject, since she feels its an indictment of her job. 

I'm not sure we can outsource it, but it might be worth pursuing. 

I couldn't get her to sign up for any college course to get re-acquainted with technology in her field. She has basically given up.

I'm hoping she'll go back to therapy and if so, maybe some pills. Thanks.


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## okeydokie

do you think she feels unappreciated? i mean the housework stuff is menial tasking but absolutely necessary and it is a pain in the rear for sure.

i know my wife feels that way and i try to lift her up but its difficult


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## lastinline

Wow, tough one here SBH. First off, I'd say if a job needs to be performed properly for the well being and comfort of one's family, no task is menial. 

I completely reject the notion that just because one achieves a masters or a doctorate degree that suddenly household chores are beneath them. I too am "highly educated". When I answer the phone at my clinic I get to say Dr. so and so, and I somehow manage to regularly keep my bathroom clean. Go figure.

I also am at a complete loss for her whole karate dojo thing. I honestly would look at finding her another school, training in the martial arts should be anything but "toxic". A basic premise that she likely recites at the beginning of her classes is: *"The ultimate aim of Karate lies not in victory or defeat, but in the perfection of the character of the participant." * I believe this. This quest for constant improvement and betterment is what give any martial art its true "take home value."

Reading your post breaks my heart. I identify with a lot of what you have wrote. I agree with you that she does sound depressed, but she isn't likely to find the "cure" on a mat. In closing, I would beg for a little introspection as I ask you the simple question of where is God in your lives?

At the end of the day degrees don't satisfy. Anyone can tie on a thee, and ultimately there is always someone better at your particular art anyway. You may have to look across a room to find them at class, or drive to another city, but they are there. If you looking for peace, contentment, and joy SBH, I would humbly suggest that you look first unto the Lord.

LIL


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## Mommybean

She is simply to far down in her depression to feel gratification, satisfaction, appreciation or worthiness. Look...you've tried it the non-medicating route...yet, it sounds like each year, you watch your wife sink further into a depression. If she had a heart condition, I do not think either of you would balk at the need for medication to treat that...having a chemical imbalance that effects how you function (or do not function) in every day life, is just as serious. Her anger/tears, inability to complete the smallest tasks, hoarding, etc...are all signs that point to depression that needs to be medicated. Many alcoholics, actually I would say most alcoholics, use the drug to self medicate, to protect them from a pain that they cannot deal with. It sounds like her father did this, and her drinking even a minimal amount without treating her depression is setting the stage for disaster. Alcohol is also a depressant, so it really turns into a vicious cycle of dependence that actually fuels the depression as it "seemingly" numbs it. 

If you're looking for a moment of clarity, perhaps you need to think of this. You have been trying it your way, and her way for years...you keep trying it, and getting far worse results with each passing year. She is suffering, you are suffering, and your children are suffering. You can convince yourself that you have tried everything to save your marriage, your wife, and your family, but you have only tried what you are comfortable with. "Outsourcing" your laundry and chores so that she does not feel she is doing work that is beneath her is an attempt to fix a symptom of the larger problem, which is the chemicals in her brain are not firing right....you can remove those chores, but you will keep removing chores and responsibilities and you will see that none of that makes a damn bit of difference...she will feel more useless, more lost, and go deeper into her depression. Try the one thing neither have tried...contact a psychiatrist, get her diagnosed, get her on the proper medication....stand with her while she works thru the side effects, or the switching from one med to another (it can take several tries to find the one that works best for her), support her as she goes thru therapy...and THEN see where you are. I can tell you, my H has been on Wellbutrin for a solid year now to treat his depression and the relationship we have is a night and day difference from where we were a year ago.


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## michzz

Mommybean said:


> She is simply to far down in her depression to feel gratification, satisfaction, appreciation or worthiness. Look...you've tried it the non-medicating route...yet, it sounds like each year, you watch your wife sink further into a depression. If she had a heart condition, I do not think either of you would balk at the need for medication to treat that...having a chemical imbalance that effects how you function (or do not function) in every day life, is just as serious. Her anger/tears, inability to complete the smallest tasks, hoarding, etc...are all signs that point to depression that needs to be medicated. Many alcoholics, actually I would say most alcoholics, use the drug to self medicate, to protect them from a pain that they cannot deal with. It sounds like her father did this, and her drinking even a minimal amount without treating her depression is setting the stage for disaster. Alcohol is also a depressant, so it really turns into a vicious cycle of dependence that actually fuels the depression as it "seemingly" numbs it.
> 
> If you're looking for a moment of clarity, perhaps you need to think of this. You have been trying it your way, and her way for years...you keep trying it, and getting far worse results with each passing year. She is suffering, you are suffering, and your children are suffering. You can convince yourself that you have tried everything to save your marriage, your wife, and your family, but you have only tried what you are comfortable with. "Outsourcing" your laundry and chores so that she does not feel she is doing work that is beneath her is an attempt to fix a symptom of the larger problem, which is the chemicals in her brain are not firing right....you can remove those chores, but you will keep removing chores and responsibilities and you will see that none of that makes a damn bit of difference...she will feel more useless, more lost, and go deeper into her depression. Try the one thing neither have tried...contact a psychiatrist, get her diagnosed, get her on the proper medication....stand with her while she works thru the side effects, or the switching from one med to another (it can take several tries to find the one that works best for her), support her as she goes thru therapy...and THEN see where you are. I can tell you, my H has been on Wellbutrin for a solid year now to treat his depression and the relationship we have is a night and day difference from where we were a year ago.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

BTW, I suggested getting laundry done by someone else not as a relationship solver, but a short-term respite.


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## WishIWasHappy

Should be happy, 

I should be happy too. I read your post tonight as I sat at the dinner table with my 5 year old daughter. My husband (of 7 years) was in the basement, sleeping. That is where he has pretty much spent the last 5 years of our marriage. He quit working the year we had our daughter. He didn't tell me he was "sinking" or planning to stop going to work. He just stopped. I came home from work one day and he said, "I should tell you, I don't have a job anymore". Back then I used to ask him-no-PLEAD with him to talk to me...to work with me...on our relationship. He became more depressed (my fault) and more lethargic (also my fault). He is not interested in going anywhere or doing anything. Like your wife, he has an advanced degree (we both do). The 5 years that he worked (3 before we got married and two afterwards) are the only 5 he has worked in his life. He is soon to be 43 years old. He has a son in Oregon (we are in Maryland) who he has only seen a few times since I have known him. Both times, I arranged the whole thing -- assuming, wrongly, of course -- that being reunited with his son would lift his mood. Instead, he blames me for "ruining" their visit. 

I am sad, lonely and frustrated most of the time. I spend my car ride home for work "pumping myself up" for whatever I may run into. It might be complete apathy (not getting up or coming up from the basement) or complete manic behavior (singing, dancing around the room, etc) as if he didn't just spend an entire week not speaking to me or our daughter. 

I read your post with sadness in my heart. To know that there are others that deal with this situation should be helping me but instead, I just wonder why we stay. I look at my husband and I know the right thing to do is to love him anyway but the overwhelming burden of caring for an adult who seems to not care about anyone or anything but himself is desperately lonely. Friends say, "go out on your own", "don't miss out on life" but the reality is that I got married because I wanted a PARTNER to share life with--not a roommate with whom even the slightest upset can send into a tailspin. I am tired of "telling" him about our life. I feel I have tried everything in my power.

He is (and has been) going to counseling and is on medications. He will not tell me what -- but I do have to pay for it. He will not talk with me about what goes on in counseling -- but I am paying for that too. In fact, I do everything. The house, the child, the dogs, the laundry. When I ask for help (or demand it) he says we never should have had our daughter and we can take the dogs to the pound. The reality is that the three of them are the only things that give me joy anymore. So I do it all. Without asking for help. Without complaining. And he stays in the basement.

I have the same questions you do. When is enough enough? How do I know where the depression ends and the being taken advantage of starts? 

I am sorry that I have gone on and on. I just "stumbled" acrossed this site and, honestly, have said more on here in 10 minutes than I have said in "real" life since 2003. 

I hope I can stay in touch with others. Maybe through supporting one another, we can get through this. I know I sound like I am depressed. In reality, I feel that I am incredibly grounded. But when it comes to thinking/talking (or in this case, typing) about my marriage, I am incredibly sad.

Thanks for listening!


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## ShouldBeHappy

There are a lot of people in pain out there. And a lot of good advice. Thanks. This forum seems like it might help.


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## WishIWasHappy

Should be Happy...

What advice have you taken? What advice do you think works? I am at a loss. I miss having a partner in this life. I miss coming home to someone who cares that I am there. I miss laughing with my friend. I know my daughter is missing out on a father. I know other men do not act like this; I work a full time job, volunteer at my daughter's school, keep up with the house, the dogs and the bills. I feel like I am a good person who loves with all my heart. Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like to be married to someone who got up every day and participated in life. It must be amazing.......


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## ShouldBeHappy

WishIWasHappy said:


> Should be Happy...
> 
> What advice have you taken? What advice do you think works? I am at a loss. ...


I don't have that answer. I've been reading a lot of posts on other topics in this forum, and perhaps I've crossed the Rubicon in my thinking.

The last week has been a particularly bad one for my marriage, and I don't know if my marriage will survive the weekend. I want it too, but I want a real marriage too. My wife says she feels broken inside because of my being disappointed by her actions of the last few years, (not working, not looking to find something to do career-wise, letting the house go, obsessing over karate, Facebook) actions or in-actions that we have repeatedly discussed, for the last several years. This is not news to her, I cannot stress how many times we have talked and sometimes yelled about these problems. There have been many moments of apologies, and promises. Many un-kept promises.

My wife is big on quotes and apparently her latest funk was set off because I said one of her Facebook quotes did not resonate with me. She slid into a funk around then, and told me it was because the karate people don't like her, nobody likes her, and she has no friends, and everybody ends up hating her. I told her I can't understand why people hate her, and its true, I just assume its something petty or ignorant of these other people. I also reminded her about our 20 year relationship and her adoring children. I don't think that was enough. 

So, a few days went by and she finally told me the funk was due to my reaction to the quote. Its a nice quote, that says you should always take stock of what you have and appreciate it. But, there are a million quotes like that, and I said, that it is a truism, and really just common sense, and can be found in lots of locations, but the key is to think it and do it often, not just quote it. It must have really broken her spirit that day, because she moped for nearly 3 days after, before telling me why, then I have to re-cant and spin to fix it. (Why am I doing that? Again. I'm supposed to have a loving mutually nurturing relationship, somebody I can talk about this stuff with. Did I marry a 13 year old?)

So I have come to the conclusion, with many tears on my part, that we work together to fix our problems, via counseling, therapy, medication, THIS TIME, or we move on. We've been trying to fix our problems by ourselves for the last few years, and that has been a failure,; her 6 month stint with therapy did not provide a lasting fix, and I know now I should not have let her quit. 

Acknowledging that we are sliding into bad territory or failing is always a huge mistake on my part, but we need to talk about this stuff. If we're both sad and feeling no joy, then it needs fixing.

My wife's response to my latest push to fix it up was a little ambivalent, so I'm torn wondering if she even still love's me or fears being alone, or no longer cares. I tried my best to be non-threatening, none of the "do this or else", but there is no avoiding that with her. She interprets in her own special way, and answers questions as indirectly as possible. She perceived a threat no matter how I spun it. 

I absolutely hate what this might do to the kids, but I feel it may be better for my wife, and in turn, better for all of us. I never thought I'd think that since my parents divorced when I was 13. I really hate this.

I guess one message to me is that it could get a lot worse than I have it. This forum has started to make me realize that there are a lot of hurting people out there, and when I read that my situation can further degrade, much, much worse than it is now, I say NO! Or why should I let it? I will always love her, but I'm not going to waste my life supporting her choice of a wasted life. 

She can either get off her ass and join back with me on the path we both promised to follow, or she can continue to sit on the side of the road and moan about the dust....alone.

Oddly, since the first post I made yesterday, it is the first time I've ever really shared my marital issues with other people, albeit complete strangers on the internet, but I am building a stronger resolve since I'm writing.

I'm still trying to sort out my emotions, so please weigh that. I'm struggling to find answers too. I'm not trying to leave my wife so I can chase women. That's the last thing I want to do. We have just drifted so far apart, and she gravitates towards moping, low self esteem, and lethargy, that its hard to remember why I fell in love with her in the first place. I need to find that answer too.

Back to my first point, I have no answers, and I'm sorry about that.


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## WishIWasHappy

First of all, let me say "thank you" for your honesty. I could have written what you wrote. It makes it a little better that there is someone out there living this same life. I don't know why that's true -- maybe it just makes me feel a little less crazy for staying. I, like you, don't want to walk away from my "marriage"....but honestly, there are days (weeks..months....) that I don't even feel like I am married. I feel like I have a 5 year old daughter and a teen aged son. He is home most of the time, reasonably able to supervise our daughter for very short periods of time. If I tell him to walk a dog, he will. If I tell him to empty the dishwasher, he will. If I don't, he won't. I don't want to be a nagging, demanding "mother". I want to have a partner who takes equal responsibility in everything in our life. I said to him one time, "This doesn't even feel like a marriage" and he told me that we "signed a legal and binding contract" to remain married and if I break that contract, it would be like breaking the law....I tried to explain the EMOTIONAL side to that "legal and binding contract" but he just stares at me blankly and then says, "This conversation is draining me and I can't keep my eyes open". That was the end of that. For the next three days, he "couldn't get out of bed because the conversation was so emotionally draining". 

To say that you want a "REAL" marriage is a fair and decent thing to request. I believe, regardless of ability or disability, a couple owes it to one another to at least acknowlege what the other is going through. I feel like, with my husband, that he wants me to empathize, sympathize and feel for him but then he says he "can't" do that for me and that I shouldn't need it because I am not "disabled" like he is. 

It's sooo frustrating. I have thought of leaving him sooo many times. I don't know what is keeping me where I am. One time, I decided to "focus on me" and started going back to the gym more regularly, meeting with friends, etc and he accused me of having an affair. He is convinced that I am going to have an affair on him. That would not be the reason that I leave. The reason would be that I want to LIVE...not just exist. I love to travel and see new places/meet new people. He is practically agoraphobic. He was not like that when we met and I have to keep reminding myself that he really wasn't like this, although he tries to convince me that I am the one who has changed and not him.

I have thought about joining a local support group or going to his family and talking to them but something stops me from being open about this with anyone (barring online annonymous blogging)...I have to say, it is the slightest bit "freeing" to write about this. I keep a journal at home -- just to keep my thoughts focused -- and that has helped me. 

I hope your weekend works out. Making the decision to stay or to go is equally hard as far as I am concerned. There are consequences for both decisions. My daughter is constantly at the forefront of my mind when I am making these kinds of decisions. I know your kids must be too. 

Good luck and keep posting. If nothing else, it releases some of the tension. Thank you.


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## WishIWasHappy

PS Please don't apologize for not having "answers". I don't think there are any. I think we just do the best we can and make the decisions that are right in our hearts and in our heads. I just like to hear what others (with such similar situations) are doing so ... maybe I will find something I haven't thought of.

Again, thank you...


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## jj2213

Sounds *similar* to my situation except we don't have kids. My wife can't seem to hold a job and blames a lot of it on others. I've supported her in the past emotionally/mentally, but it gets hard when you see the same pattern repeat and you start to believe that it really is _her_ fault and no one elses--especially after she tells you about some "bad" things she's done at work in the past and you see the kind of attitude she has with any authority figure.

When she was fired from her last job we agreed it would be a great time for her to stay home for a bit and get the house clean (also on the brink of "hoarders" but only about 30% there) and figure out what she wants to do with her career/life. On average, she does almost nothing each day besides sleep and watch TV for 4+ hrs, and it's hard to not resent that when you're working 40+ hrs each week. When you start to see the possibility of divorce and she won't work and you used up a lot of your retirement money to pay off the enormous debts she brought into the relationship--once again, easy to ignore when you're happy, hard to not resent at this point.

She claims she's depressed, but doesn't seek help of any kind, won't take up an activity/hobby, and doesn't seem to seriously try to get a new job but at least talks about it every now and then. I really don't know how to help her. 

I could go on and on... blah-blah-blah. Suffice it to say you're not alone in your troubles.


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## Laurae1967

Get into counseling ASAP. That is the best I've got. Your wife needs help.


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## Chaparral

michzz said:


> Reevaluate your objection to Big Pharma.
> 
> Find a doctor to treat depression and cut out the booze entirely.
> 
> Note: your wife is highly educated and is reduced to laundry duty. And she hates doing laundry so doesn't really do it.
> 
> So, maybe hire someone to do the laundry. But not so she can just wallow some more. She has to start doing something constructive besides karate.


On the one hand you've got big pharma, doctors, counselors.

On the other hand, you've got lawyers, divorce court, child counselors, visitation, tragedy.

Seems like a no brainer, what am I missing?


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## MariaSadness

Jesus, I don't know where to start. I see this post is from 2010, yet I wanted to step in. I'm not even registered. I was just browsing for help and found this, and I thought I had to write this. It's 2016 and I feel exactly like your wife.

I entered this post seeking help, I really hope you solved your things with your wives, and husbands, with the same problem. Your stories are heartbreaking and I really really wish you had the chance to be happy in the end. I'm posting this in case someone else is suffering from the same. 

I'm also highly educated, near my 40s and I feel like a loser so bad. I haven't had any kids, which was mildly traumatic at first yet now I feel relieved. I am married and my husband is behaving like you, taking care of me, paying the bills. I have two jobs, both of them are high performance and yet I am not paid enough, summing up both jobs, to sustain myself (economic crisis). I have tried to find other jobs but they never call me, I don't know whether it is because I am overqualified. I've done teaching, journalism, photography, writing, and house cleaning. When you take a look at my LinkedIn I look like a superstar. Yet, I repeat, they actually are not paying me enough to live, at these jobs. I haven't managed to find something else.

My mother was an alcoholic and my father a chronic patient of asthma and many other ailments, my childhood was so fckd up that I wouldn't know where to start. I have two older brothers, nine and eight years older than me. They both beat and abused me as a child and my mum considered all this to be OK, siblings quarrel after all don't they? Now I'm her caretaker. She's got a very strong narcissistic complex, I'm sure she doesn't even care about what may happen to me when she is dead, provided that she's well taken care of. My father died, and my two older brothers fled home long ago, and they are both complete nutcakes. I realise I've been an orphan all along.

My husband loves me and therefore he's pushing very hard to become an enabler. I can see that so clearly and it terrifies me. He tells me he wants me to leave these underpaid jobs, to just take care of him, of the house. I know I can't listen to him, because that'd be the road to my self-destruction. I need to keep on fighting. I need to keep on receiving my daily blows in hope that I someday toughen up, otherwise I'd end up like this, at home, on the bed, doing nothing, as comfy as a pet. I can't do that to my husband, I won't allow myself to do that to myself. I'm going to be a grown-up woman and my husband is not going to become an enabler. Ever.

I think I know what happens with your spouses, for I feel the same. You say they are highly educated, clever, intelligent and hopeless. Well, it's likely that they grew up believing that their wits would buy their way to success. Perhaps it was the only thing their dysfunctional families valued about them, or teachers, or any people who would give them hope. Then, suddenly, there goes real life: wits are not enough, you need endurance. You need to learn to endure mobbing, gossip, slander, being insulted by your bosses and mates, being underpaid, being afraid every day to die of starvation. If you deem yourself too intelligent for that (and that's likely true) then you're done and over. We teach values to small children, right? That's the worst thing we do to them. We teach them an awful bunch of lies and we do know it. Adult life does not consist of recycling, taking care of the environment, being artistic or altruistic or expressive... adult life is dangerous. There are many, many situations in life that might end up with you begging for food at the streets. Who prepares kids for that? No one. And yet it's true. People are not good, period. People will use you and say no thanks in return. Peole steal from you, your lifeforce, your money, your partners if they can, your happiness. Life is more than just "no picnic": life is battling for your life, every day.

If m husband left me, I know I would eventually die of hunger, with my two awesome jobs or not. I'm still there, and I'm fighting, and praying and crying every night not to fall to a point of no return. I want to earn my money and eat my food, and I need to be strong enough to put up with what means to live in this society. Otherwise, if my husband left me, or died, or whatever... I'm just done. I can just go and kill myself, nothing left for me in life. In the meantime, I keep on fighting. I'm not going to surrender. Weird, loser or not, I'm not giving up on my jobs, earning my money, keeping my husband happy, behaving as if that childhood of mine had happened to someone else. I'm not giving up. At least not yet. At least not today.

My best wishes for you. Kind regards.


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