# offer ex to enter my home to sleep over with kids ?



## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

is it wise ?

to offer my ex to enter my home , our home previously , to sleep over fri night and have sat visit . this is to prevent my kids from having to sleep over at his new place with presence of other people whom I don't know and hence cant trust . anyway kids refused to sleep over at his new place .

of course , I will moved myself to another place ( my office ) to sleep so we don't cross paths .

any reason I should worry about ?

I am thinking of this as I don't want to deprive my kids of their father , although in my opinion , he is an ass in some ways . though not a good father , he is not a danger to my kids .


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

How old are your kids?

Who are these "other people"?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

They are not just your (singular) kids, but rather your (plural) kids. And yes they need their dad. 

Why did they refuse to stay over with him? Did you ask them what they wanted?
How old are they?

Does he do drugs or drink? If so, no don't let stay over.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> How old are your kids?
> 
> Who are these "other people"?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


8 and 10 both boys

ex husband rented a room . I don't know where . he made it secretive I don't know why and didn't bother anymore . he claimed I will go over and kill him . he is nuts . he is the one who financially and physically abused me . I had to spend money on lawyers to prove that in my divorce papers , but still he claimed I abused him outside of court . suspected NPD but not diagnosed , he refused to see psychiatrist upon MC's advice .

the other people , according to my boys are a man and a woman . according to my ex , they are a couple he is sharing a flat with .


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Right. Point is you can't let the kids dicate the when's and where's . Of course they would rather stay at your house, where all of their toys/video games/computer/friends/any and all of the above are. 

Unless these other people are a danger, then they go there. Who are these people?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> They are not just your (singular) kids, but rather your (plural) kids. And yes they need their dad.
> 
> Why did they refuse to stay over with him? Did you ask them what they wanted?
> How old are they?
> ...


after the divorce , I refer to them as my boys .

they see their dad sat full day . n they said they are happy with the divorce and this arrangement .

I asked them why . they said they don't want to leave me , they are afraid I am lonely , don't want to sleep in new place , it's small and dirty , that's their comments . 

but my opinion is that they witnessed the dad hitting me , after which they ask why , and I told them I am filing for divorce and the dad and his family financially abused me , as in he doesn't quite pay family bills , and run up debts together with his parents and sister over shopping and splurging , which I "lent" him and his family to pay off debts , and he hits me when I asked for its return and future financial transparency .

my opinion is they wrote off the dad .

8 and 10 years old . boys .

he doesn't do drugs .

he has drinking issues while with us . he gets tipsy by evening and quarrel with kids over tv channels . doesn't help out or spend time with kids . whack the kids if he helps out at all so I leave him out . fought with him over that and he starts to hide his drinks . after separation and divorce , I don't see him so I don't know how is his condition . but a couple of times , he doesn't turn up on visit days and claimed to be sick . I found out later that he was having a hang over . kids were disappointed and angry then . hence , I educated them to know that he is unreliable so don't be disappointed . I brought it up in court mediation and I was told that I can deny him the visit if he turns up with a hangover .

also , he is addicted to porn and passed the hand phone over to my son with porn on it . I suppose my son pressedon history button and the porn came up but still I was horrified . thank god , my son was too young and he said there's a funny picture and he cant get to his game .


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Right. Point is you can't let the kids dicate the when's and where's . Of course they would rather stay at your house, where all of their toys/video games/computer/friends/any and all of the above are.
> 
> Unless these other people are a danger, then they go there. Who are these people?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


they are a couple he is sharing apartment with , according to my ex . 

I will never know who these people are and if they can be trusted . n I don't trust my ex's judgement .

I rather I moved myself to sleep in my office if it is safer for my ex to sleep in my home with the kids .

otherwise I will stick to sat full day visit .

I have a domestic helper at home who will at least cater to the children's needs .


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Sounds to me like he should only have supervised visitation, no overnights.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

any implications on me if I start dating and to have my ex over but of course I sleep over in my office ?

not dating now . but I think a single dad friend may be asking soon. but we are both busy with work and have not bump into each other and hence he is not aware my divorce is finalized . I didnt accept the offer to go out previously .

right now , just considering this for the children . forget about the dating problem , if my future bf is unhappy , I can sleep at his place !!!!!


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Sounds to me like he should only have supervised visitation, no overnights.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


that is what I fought for in court . and got it . but I am worried about boys who grow up without father and its effect . although I must say my boys seem to be doing fine . their grades improve surprisingly . and they wise up , more independent and help me out a lot more .


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Sounds to me like he should only have supervised visitation, no overnights.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wanted supervised visits but who is to supervise him ? 

taught my kids what to watch out for and to call me if dad "appears sick" or drunk .

thought if he stays over in my place , my domestic helper can cook for them and watch over them .

otherwise day visits only . 

on the other hand , I m worried that my ex will lose the love for the children , if he loves them in the first place . NPD don't love people . they used people .


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Domestic help can supervise... 

I'd suggest ex hubby get himself into AA and get sober if he wants to have regular access to kids. No overnights
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I am all for doing what's best for the kids but no way would I ever let the ex back in my house and certainly not to spend the night. Who wants their ex looking thru their mail or going into your rooms, I would feel violated, and I'm a guy! lol

Go to his place, meet his room mates, see how he lives, that's a must. If he refuses then take him to court and have his visits supervised only.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

tripad said:


> after the divorce , I refer to them as my boys .
> 
> they see their dad sat full day . n they said they are happy with the divorce and this arrangement .*They are too young to make this judgment.*
> 
> ...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you have a lock on your office door?

How far away does he live? Can he just see them Friday evening and then come back to get them in the morning?

Where do they sleep when they have gone to where he lives now?

Here where I live, a parent can object to the other parent having the kids stay at a 'secret' place. Each parent has the right to know where the kids are.

If I were you, I would find out any way I could where he is staying if he has the kids over there. If it means hiring a PI, I'd do that.

If he has been physically abusive, it would seem like you would be afraid to have him over. If you do this get a VAR or one of those spy cameras (they come hidden in stuffed toys, clock radios, even light sockets) and keep it running so that if he attacks you, you have proof. Then you can go back to court and get the supervised visitation.

Who supervised? Hire someone, who does it. 

Here where I live there are organizations that provide this service.

I know people who do allow the ex to stay over for visitation. It works for some, not for others.

About a guy you date... they will probably not like it at all if you stay in the house while your ex is there.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Don't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

You are trying to make up for your ex husband's lack by doing for him what he ought to be doing for himself. That is a hallmark of codependent behavior.
Having him sleep over at your house is not a healthy option for any of you. He is an abusive man who is reaping what he has sown. Let him reap the consequences. If you shield him, you are not really shielding your boys. You are setting an example that will not help them in the future.
You cannot make your ex reliable. You just can't. There is no point in trying. Letting him into your peaceful domain is not going to help anyone. Please don't let him stay over. Please stick to the Saturday plan and if he doesn't live up to it, be there to encourage your boys that it's going to be okay and their father has issues that are no reflection on them. It isn't their fault and they need to understand that.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Cynthia is more patient than I. Her words are accurate. Again, don't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

You got him out of your home. Do not let him back in. He will use it against you and you could be in danger.
I think you are a softhearted woman, which is a good thing, but in order to be healthy a soft heart must be tempered with justice and truth.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Cooper said:


> I am all for doing what's best for the kids but no way would I ever let the ex back in my house and certainly not to spend the night. Who wants their ex looking thru their mail or going into your rooms, I would feel violated, and I'm a guy! lol
> 
> Go to his place, meet his room mates, see how he lives, that's a must. If he refuses then take him to court and have his visits supervised only.


no go on that . cant trust people with my kids only after one interview . what if they are pedophiles ? molesters ? not taking that chance .


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Domestic help can supervise...
> 
> I'd suggest ex hubby get himself into AA and get sober if he wants to have regular access to kids. No overnights
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


not sure if his drinking is such a serious condition , its just a few cans of beer daily , in the past before the divorce . but , he claimed that it's the financial stress that caused it . later , he changed the reason to "you are the one who caused it" I go "what" , "I am the one who bail you from the freaking debt and fed this family". in my country , there's no AA , maybe private counselling . nevertheless , I am more concern about his mental state , like if he is NPD or just a plain a**hole .


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

tripad said:


> no go on that . cant trust people with my kids only after one interview . what if they are pedophiles ? molesters ? not taking that chance .


Good point. I was thinking just looking at the way they live would give you some insight, but you're correct, you can never tell what a person is like. So what makes you think if he stays at your place he won't have some friends stop by?

He needs to PROVE he can provide a safe environment for the kids to spend time with him, that's on him not you. If that means all he gets is a couple hours a week at a public restaurant that's for him to change.

Do not let him stay in your house, I see nothing good coming from that decision.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Do you have a lock on your office door?
> 
> How far away does he live? Can he just see them Friday evening and then come back to get them in the morning?
> 
> ...


My office is safe . location all close to each other . when kids visit him in his place , it's short and my kids are awake . the secrecy of his place is one of my point to the court why I refused sleep over at his place , amongst other reasons .

I am not afraid that he hits me , never was . I supposed it's because I grew up with four brothers in a poor neighbourhood . I just don't want it to happen in front of my kids ever again . cameras and all wont be necessary as I don't have intention of crossing paths .

I know if I date , this would be an issue with new bf , but I am not dating yet . I am attractive but no men in sight  . busy working and I work with kids , not men . well , if I have a serious bf , I will gladly sleep in his place if he's not happy that I sleep in my office , or he can sleep in my office with me .


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Cooper said:


> Good point. I was thinking just looking at the way they live would give you some insight, but you're correct, you can never tell what a person is like. So what makes you think if he stays at your place he won't have some friends stop by?
> 
> He needs to PROVE he can provide a safe environment for the kids to spend time with him, that's on him not you. If that means all he gets is a couple hours a week at a public restaurant that's for him to change.
> 
> Do not let him stay in your house, I see nothing good coming from that decision.


He wont bring people over . I am 99% sure . He knows I am watching and checking and will fight with him on that , even if in court . that's why he always say I am controlling , and I kept telling him I am doing damage control ( counsellor agrees with me ). he knows he cant "screw ard " wrt my kids .

yep seems general opinion is he has to stick to day visits.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

CynthiaDe said:


> You are trying to make up for your ex husband's lack by doing for him what he ought to be doing for himself. That is a hallmark of codependent behavior.
> Having him sleep over at your house is not a healthy option for any of you. He is an abusive man who is reaping what he has sown. Let him reap the consequences. If you shield him, you are not really shielding your boys. You are setting an example that will not help them in the future.
> You cannot make your ex reliable. You just can't. There is no point in trying. Letting him into your peaceful domain is not going to help anyone. Please don't let him stay over. Please stick to the Saturday plan and if he doesn't live up to it, be there to encourage your boys that it's going to be okay and their father has issues that are no reflection on them. It isn't their fault and they need to understand that.


this co -dependent thing does get under my skin . I am trying to figure that out to prevent a next mistake . I am responsible , reliable and does take care of things well so do I attract people who will "dependent " on me ? 

I am a woman , and I want a man I can depend on , though I may be capable , I would like to be THE WOMAN , I would love to sit back and just purr .

I am just trying to make life better for my boys , not my ex . but I understand it doesn't teach me ex anything . When he doesn't turn up for sat , my boys are not affected anymore , previously they were and it broke my heart to see two sad faces , so I took them out for fun to forget about the dad . surprisingly , these little souls realize and understood my intentions , they thank me at the end of the day and said they knew I was trying to make them feel better .


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

tripad said:


> this co -dependent thing does get under my skin . I am trying to figure that out to prevent a next mistake . I am responsible , reliable and does take care of things well so do I attract people who will "dependent " on me ?


Two books that will spell it out.
Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself: Melody Beattie: 9780894864025: Amazon.com: Books
and
Facing Codependence, by Pia Mellody.
The second one will explain how codependency is formed and how to prevent it in your own children. Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives: Pia Mellody, Andrea Wells Miller, J. Keith Miller: 8601300050201: Amazon.com: Books


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

CynthiaDe 

Will definitely read that.

guess my single dad friend may ask me out soon now that my divorce is finalised. N I want to protect myself from another "dependent", so that I can be A KITTEN n meow.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

tripad said:


> CynthiaDe
> 
> Will definitely read that.
> 
> guess my single dad friend may ask me out soon now that my divorce is finalised. N I want to protect myself from another "dependent", so that I can be A KITTEN n meow.


I hope you do. They will help you to understand what is going on and how to step off the crazy train. Most of us have some sort of crazy train. I sure do/have. A work in progress.
Be careful not to put too much hope in your friend. He is not your savior.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

He's not 

I'm saving myself 

That's why I rejected going out with him earlier, courteously though.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Just good to know when I m ready to date, I've someone to date. N I don't have to find high n low n online! 

Seriously, been married for so long, n busy with work n kids now, I've no idea where to find a date!!!!!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

tripad said:


> My office is safe . location all close to each other . when kids visit him in his place , it's short and my kids are awake . the secrecy of his place is one of my point to the court why I refused sleep over at his place , amongst other reasons .
> 
> I am not afraid that he hits me , never was . I supposed it's because I grew up with four brothers in a poor neighbourhood . I just don't want it to happen in front of my kids ever again . cameras and all wont be necessary as* I don't have intention of crossing paths .*
> 
> I know if I date , this would be an issue with new bf , but I am not dating yet . I am attractive but no men in sight  . busy working and I work with kids , not men . well , if I have a serious bf , I will gladly sleep in his place if he's not happy that I sleep in my office , or he can sleep in my office with me .


If he comes to your home to stay over night for the kids, how are you going to avoid crossing paths?


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Prearranged time in n out respectively


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

Tripad-

The way I read this, you are the one creating an uncomfortable environment for your kids. AS someone mentioned before, you are putting your boys in a position to take care of your feelings. Even telling them the "facts" about how your husband was irresponsible financially. This will not help your kids to adjust to the new dynamic. Now you have fears about his living conditions (which may be rightfully so) but you need to do this amongst the adults. The kids should not be involved in this decision at their ages. 

Don't get me wrong, I understand...my ex had/has similar issues (financial infidelity as well as stealing from his place of work during our marriage; IMO he also made/makes decisions for the girls that seem to cater to his needs first)...

But you need to separate yourself from your ex (you are no longer married)....Parenting...even co-parenting... in a divorce situation is very different. 

Having him stay at your place to take care of the kids is muddying the waters.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

answer to LONG WALK 

my children didn't decide or made judgement but they are speaking their mind .

They said those things about worrying for me and those are what they feel which given the circumstances , is very natural , for children who witnessed DV , according to what I read . needless to say , of course , I assure them , mummy is fine . in fact , I told them I was having games with my friends or shopping or cleaning up house , very busy , when they are with the father .

please don't get the image of a whiny whimpy mum in me . I am a capable woman who earns my money and feed my family and even bailed my ex out of his freaking debts . maybe a super mum image with the wonder woman suit may be a better image of me ?

he ever hit them on the butt a couple of times rather suddenly and violently which shocked the kids . I had huge quarrels with him and told him to stay off my kids . so he has not ventured beyond that . TBH I do spank them sometimes but it is different , it is the manner it is delivered .

trying my damnest to keep money and parenting separate . until it happens to you with same intensity , it is always easier to give the advice . But I do take the advice seriously and try the hardest for the sake of my kids . but I recognize that I am human and to get to that level is a process . in fact , my gf n counsellor were relieved that I was not thinking of suicide .

is he completely worthless ? I cant answer . he pay 10-20% bills , doesn't care for kids , gets into debts , I pay debts , he hits me . my lawyer gets pissed at him during hearing ( I was not present but in another room upon my lawyer's advice ) , and she came to me pissed n called him useless . 

boys need father ? so they get it on sat . and I am pondering to offer sleepover at my home but it seems many here think it is not a good idea . I don't have any better solution . What ? get back tog and let my kids witness DV ? and I silently let him deplete my finances till we both drown tog ? like I say , it is not a perfect situation , I never wanted this or chosen this . I am thrown into this situation by my ex and his thiefing family . I am trying to do the lesser of the two evil and hope to emerge , tog with my boys , a survivor and winner .

has he shaped up ? no , he got worse . 

long custody battle ? no , he didn't fight for kids as expected as he doesnt care and cant provide care for kids , just wanted one more dinner and one sleepover on top of sat . BTW , child support not forth coming , even upon court instructions .

porn ? is harmful . yes . n he dumps them infront of tv x box and he goes to his room does his own things . it is not my way of parenting . say what you want about his right to do what he wants with the kids . but those are my kids .


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

If you have supervised visits and are leaving them unsupervised, then you could lose that protection for your kids. Did you mean you sleep in your office while he is home with kids, so you are near but not in the same room?

Court can provide supervision if you cannot find a relative who is mutually agreeable. The other solution is public place--you in one booth at McDonald's (for example), them in another.

Do not waive your right to supervised visits--which is essentially what you are doing if you don't hold to it. This man has been judged unfit to be alone with his kids. It is your job to protect them and the court has entrusted you with that.

No reason to have overnights at all. Stop doing it. Kids have seen and heard enough to feel unsafe. Let them develop a good relationship with their dad during supervised visits (when he should not be able to make them feel unsafe--passing a phone with porn undermines the kid's trust in his dad, it isn't just about the porn, as bad as that might be). 

Take charge--the court has judged you fit. Don't mess that up.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

cons said:


> Tripad-
> 
> The way I read this, you are the one creating an uncomfortable environment for your kids. AS someone mentioned before, you are putting your boys in a position to take care of your feelings. Even telling them the "facts" about how your husband was irresponsible financially. This will not help your kids to adjust to the new dynamic. Now you have fears about his living conditions (which may be rightfully so) but you need to do this amongst the adults. The kids should not be involved in this decision at their ages.
> 
> ...


if you read the earlier post , I think I mentioned my ex hits me in front of them . they have questions . I answered . they don't decide . they voice their feelings . I talked to them .

I didn't have time to answer the earlier post . I just did . u can read that now . I don't need them to take care of my feelings . I took care of theirs . It seems I took care of everyone's else feelings except mine .

it would be better if H steals from someone else than from me .

on the contrary , I feel that the kids should be allowed to decide where they want to stay . they are the one sleeping at location, they would be able to feel if they are comfortable or safe . I would not force my kids to stay if they don't want to . of course , you have to consider the thinking process of the kids . my kids are mature and sensible .

when I read other posts where kids are delivered to irresponsible parents , I shuddered .

in my country , I was informed that if my ex is not behaving appropriately , I can deny access and file court order for better behaviour .


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

sisters359 said:


> If you have supervised visits and are leaving them unsupervised, then you could lose that protection for your kids. Did you mean you sleep in your office while he is home with kids, so you are near but not in the same room?
> 
> Court can provide supervision if you cannot find a relative who is mutually agreeable. The other solution is public place--you in one booth at McDonald's (for example), them in another.
> 
> ...


court didn't give supervised visits . during mediation , ex was "advised " to behave appropriately , no drinking , no porn , no gf with PDA at least for now and ex promised . so I didn't pressed for supervised visits . counsellor thinks that if he fails , then I will go for that .

frankly my fear is not even that . do you know what is my inner most fear ? that my ex may be suicidal because of the amount of debts he's getting into which I will not bail anymore . what is worse is what will he do if he's suicidal when my kids are with him .


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

I had similar fears with regard to suicide, because twice my ex eluded to the fact that he may end his life... In my case, it was par for the course with my ex's attempts at manipulation...

Tripad- it sounds like you're regretting not going for supervised visits. Given his physical abuse background- is it possible to get supervised visits enacted?

Not sure if you read that I mentioned financial infidelity in my last post...my ex stole from me as well (however, my kids still do not know about this- it is not theirs to carry). Your kids are 8 and 10...the decision-making part of the brain doesn't fully develop until into your early 20's. You're putting A LOT of responsibility on your kids.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I have read through your posts on different threads, and I think you are still far too emotionally invested in your ex. You need to let him go and stop concerning yourself with him. You have argued that it's about the children, but I think you are using them, at least in part, as a rationalization to maintain an emotional investment in him.

I gather that you are in counselling of some sort, but from what you have said here, and the tidbits you have mentioned that therapists have said, I suspect that you have not been completely open and objective with them. I could be wrong there, but only you know.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

cons said:


> I had similar fears with regard to suicide, because twice my ex eluded to the fact that he may end his life... In my case, it was par for the course with my ex's attempts at manipulation...
> 
> Tripad- it sounds like you're regretting not going for supervised visits. Given his physical abuse background- is it possible to get supervised visits enacted?
> 
> Not sure if you read that I mentioned financial infidelity in my last post...my ex stole from me as well (however, my kids still do not know about this- it is not theirs to carry). Your kids are 8 and 10...the decision-making part of the brain doesn't fully develop until into your early 20's. You're putting A LOT of responsibility on your kids.


I don't regret unsupervised visit. They will have better fun that way. 

I hid the DV n the money issues for years. The dad took the quarrels out in full display of kids n hit me in front of them. So the kids first realised from over hearing us n witnessing the fights. They started to question. I answered. 

To me, I think it's the lesser of the two evil. To know what's wrong n what not to do. Than to not know n wonder why the family broke up. 

Frankly my childhood is poor n rough, though my parents are normal enough 
. N I grow up seeing n hearing things happening around me, my mum used to tell me things, like money is tough n we need to spend less, I understood her. 

Today, I am the better one out of the lot, N who cares for my mum. The others whom my parents indulged turned wayward n blames for their failures. 

I come to realise people learn better from life experiences.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> I have read through your posts on different threads, and I think you are still far too emotionally invested in your ex. You need to let him go and stop concerning yourself with him. You have argued that it's about the children, but I think you are using them, at least in part, as a rationalization to maintain an emotional investment in him.
> 
> I gather that you are in counselling of some sort, but from what you have said here, and the tidbits you have mentioned that therapists have said, I suspect that you have not been completely open and objective with them. I could be wrong there, but only you know.


U are wrong. 

I hate to propose that overnight visit. That's why I ask for opinion here. If I wanted it, I won't need anyone to validate it. 

I m over. 

Can't wait to date.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Prof Counselling was during MC. 

Now just talking to gf. She's a church counsellor anyway.

Of course I tell them all. It's here that I don't tell all as it's too much to type.


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Dear Tripad
Please, Please, Please take care, do not let him into your and the children's house, if possible, take care with the children and yourself. If you must let him into your house take special care with him, supervise him at all times. If you would like more advice please feel free to ask.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

with all TAM fellows telling it's a dumb idea , I bet my lawyer will throw that idea out of the window .

n my lawyer is a kick ass woman head of dept lawyer . My god , her bill !!!!

ok . case closed . until further development .


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

tripad said:


> boys need father ? so they get it on sat . and I am pondering to offer sleepover at my home but it seems many here think it is not a good idea . I don't have any better solution . What ? get back tog and let my kids witness DV ? and I silently let him deplete my finances till we both drown tog ? like I say , it is not a perfect situation , I never wanted this or chosen this . I am thrown into this situation by my ex and his thiefing family . I am trying to do the lesser of the two evil and hope to emerge , tog with my boys , a survivor and winner .


The better solution is that there are no overnights for your boys with their dad. They see him on Saturday, when he shows up. Asking him to sleep over at your place is trying to control the situation, but you cannot make your ex-husband into a good father. Having him at your home is not healthy.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

CynthiaDe 

Looks like everyone is singing the same tune here. 

I think it's me again - trying to perfect the imperfections. 

Must get the two books.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

CynthiaDe it's just me

The one my brothers n sisters go to when they are in **** .

Maybe my ex saw thathe in me. 

For the next man, I must remember to play dumb n helpless n poor n incapable ?????


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

tripad said:


> For the next man, I must remember to play dumb n helpless n poor n incapable ?????


Not at all. You'll gain a lot of understanding when you read those two books. They are excellent.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

For the love of all that is holy, DO NOT let this man back into your house! Especially overnight! My GOD! You keep insisting your boys need a father, well, your boys seem to be telling you differently! Why dont you listen to them? Yes, children do need a father, but he does not sound like even a decent PERSON, let alone a father! Stop trying to control their relationship! Your order is no overnights, it is that way for a reason. You divorced for a reason! Snap out of this fog you are walking around in and protect your kids!


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

You have bailed your ex out of the consequences of his actions in the past. Don't do it again with your boys. When we remove the consequences of someone's bad behavior or if we shield them from those consequences, we are enabling them in their poor choices and making it easier for them to continue along the road to destruction. Perhaps they would feel the sting of painful consequences and turn to another path if we would not get in the way of those consequences. If they do not turn, it is on them, but if we get in the way of them seeing the right path, we may be partly to blame for them not turning away to a better way.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

CynthiaDe said:


> You have bailed your ex out of the consequences of his actions in the past. Don't do it again with your boys. When we remove the consequences of someone's bad behavior or if we shield them from those consequences, we are enabling them in their poor choices and making it easier for them to continue along the road to destruction. Perhaps they would feel the sting of painful consequences and turn to another path if we would not get in the way of those consequences. If they do not turn, it is on them, but if we get in the way of them seeing the right path, we may be partly to blame for them not turning away to a better way.


This is the principle I apply when i discipline my kids. I m big on consequences. having seen n experience my siblings n ex making all those repeated mistakes, I tell my kids face the consequences


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

CynthiaDe 

Does the two books cover how not to attract guys like that? n warning signs?


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

tripad-

slow down....you're already concerned with attracting the next guy... you'll need time to fully separate (emotionally) from the last one...which will be much more difficult if he has NPD.


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

tripad said:


> CynthiaDe
> 
> Does the two books cover how not to attract guys like that? n warning signs?


Guys like that look for what they perceive as a "weakness" and exploit it. That weakness could be someone who wants to help others to the point of making them a project. They use people to get what they want and then disappoint them. The weakness is when the other person keeps forgiving their misdeeds and enables them.

I've seen men do it to women and women do it to men.

Warning signs: you are constantly wrapped up in their struggle. They will rarely ask about or acre about you. When they do, it's matter of fact and fake.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

cons said:


> tripad-
> 
> slow down....you're already concerned with attracting the next guy... you'll need time to fully separate (emotionally) from the last one...which will be much more difficult if he has NPD.


Planning ahead. 

Fought hard since 2012

Separated since 2013. Went no contact. 

Divorce proceeding in 2014 

This is 2015 

Think I m about ready to date.

I'm getting stale ? ? lol


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Cobalt said:


> tripad said:
> 
> 
> > CynthiaDe
> ...


U r right. I kept forgiving n lowering my standard. For my ex.

Won't do that the next round. 

Hmmmmmmmm 

Let's see

British guy always ask how m I coping, how kids coping, does dad visit. I mention tough n he sat up n stare hard. I said kids fine n he compliments me doing great mum job. I said job tough n he says it will get better. I have no time to ask how he is. He kept asking the questions. 

Wat do u think? 

Cobalt 

Sweet?


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

tripad said:


> U r right. I kept forgiving n lowering my standard. For my ex.
> 
> Won't do that the next round.
> 
> ...


So far, so good  I think you'll do fine selecting your next guy.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

The time frame makes it look like one would be ready for the guy...I was just reflecting that in the context of the couple of threads you've posted, you are still very much attached (negatively) to your ex. You need to stop being concerned about your ex (whether it be bringing the kids to his haircut appt. during his time or making concession for an overnight at your place).


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

tripad said:


> CynthiaDe
> 
> Does the two books cover how not to attract guys like that? n warning signs?


They cover what is healthy and what is dysfunctional. As you begin to understand what it is that you have been thinking and doing that is dysfunctional, and as you apply that information, you will begin to grow and will be less likely to fall for someone who is going to use you, because you understand the dynamics that caused the situation in the first place and you have learned how not to go there.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

CynthiaDe said:


> They cover what is healthy and what is dysfunctional. As you begin to understand what it is that you have been thinking and doing that is dysfunctional, and as you apply that information, you will begin to grow and will be less likely to fall for someone who is going to use you, because you understand the dynamics that caused the situation in the first place and you have learned how not to go there.


frankly I reviewed my life , trying to see when I had gone "blind " n didn't see him as a user . frankly , I kick ass in my job you know , hence , not dumb .

I seemed to think that my ex con me . or his family used him and thus he used me to satisfy them . they were literally wolves in sheep skin . the parents were "holy" frail looking church elders and my ex a nice quiet honest man who cant tell a lie . ha ha . 

when I came out with the truth , I didn't tell many people , but those I told were shock and they said to me , if not for the fact that they know me well , they wont believe me n think I am ****ting them . 

reading on the NPD , one of the points that hit me was that NPD person will cover up and pursue you . when they get you , they reveal the true colours . another point that hit me was that , they know they get a honest person with morals n responsibility so they know you will not cheat nor leave them . that is exactly what my ex said to me . n when I insist on leaving , he tried to play with my guilt that I m breaking the family for my boys .
god , that sure pierce my heart . and took me afew weeks to cry over and then to still continue with the divorce .

frankly , I don't think that if I had read the book , it would prevent me from my ex , since it is so perfectly covered up .

but I will still read the book .


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

cons said:


> The time frame makes it look like one would be ready for the guy...I was just reflecting that in the context of the couple of threads you've posted, you are still very much attached (negatively) to your ex. You need to stop being concerned about your ex (whether it be bringing the kids to his haircut appt. during his time or making concession for an overnight at your place).


seriously , overnight stay was for my kids . and much as what many have said , I still cant stand him not treasuring the time he has with the kids , just only one day he has , he used it for hair cut. some other times , he was having a hangover and didn't turn up . just one day a week and he has to drink the night before . I understand what you are saying but no I still disagree that it is the right thing to do . but I know I cant decide for him . maybe that would explain myself better . I am just too lazy to explain . and type .

don't think I am attached to him . maybe still a little sad the way things turn out . but not attached . looking forward to dating . if that single dad ask , my answer is yes .

anyway the stay over idea is tossed out of window already .

today i met my gf , who is like an older sister to me , who is also a church counsellor .

the stories she tells me horrifies me . she told me , just like all of you , no over night please . she tells me not to worry about the boys not having a father , they may get it in other forms , such as hopefully a step dad who may end up better than the bio dad .

she mentioned that in her counselling , she has come across bad dads who may poison the kids to cause trouble for the mums when she dates or remarries , or my ex may plan more schemes to harm me or kids . one most horrifying case is that the dad fed the kids drugs so that he can control the kids n turn them against the mum ! OMG ! poor kids !


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I'm glad you are growing in awareness and learning to set healthy boundaries.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

CynthiaDe said:


> I'm glad you are growing in awareness and learning to set healthy boundaries.


benefit of consulting TAM pals with better experience and my gf I mentioned who is like an older sister to me .

wise of me to seek opinions .


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Good for you. You have a teachable spirit, so you will continue to learn and grow along the way.


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