# Newly Seperated *Need some support and friendship*



## Mommyto2 (14 d ago)

I've been dealing with alot of emotions lately from sadness to anger. After being with my husband for 12 years he decided right before Christmas to walk out on myself 2 children and the one we have on the way. I have no friends as we were always together and no family support plus to top it off I don't drive. My family are victims of displacement due to our landlord selling her home. Thank you for that Covid. Anyway we have been living in a hotel for 5 months now and was working with a state program that helped cover your security deposits. Well back in August we started working with this awesome caseworker and my husband seemed cool with her. A reqirement to this program is that you needed to be working. I hopped on it and started to call the local hotels (the one we were at in the beginning wasn't hiring) and since I'm a cleaner and have experience got a job on the spot. "My husband" of course after a couple of weeks of me working there started in on me about every little bruise on my body, why I couldn't tell him everyones names yet, how come he couldn't get a job there, (they didn't want family member working together I tried) then he started in on my 11 year old about if she was keeping secrets for me. alerting people when he was around or leaving and being followed by people. During this time we got new caseworkers and he didn't care for them but we had no choice the other took another position. Now all craziness breaks lose because they are movin our hotel at the beginning of October then finding out that I was pregnant all it was was big blow ups. Ive replaced him, the kids don't love him, nobody wants him around, the games the kids playare getting paid for by someone else, and the kicker that the new baby isn't his. We fought through this for months and finally in November got jobs together at a Resort. I cleaned rooms and he did maintnance/maid man we had two different jobs I still have mine. After awhile he thought that they were trying to keep us apart and people made no sense, they were always looking out for me and against him. He would tell me I would control time mind you your trying to make it out of the situation your in and your hours are 9:30-5:30. He also blamed caseworkers finally they had found a place for us don't get me wrong it was too small for 3 adults and a boy and girl but it wouldn't have been a hotel anymore. On the 13th of last month we went and we signed the lease on this property. We schedule a day to pickup a uhaul and take our 10x20 storage unit up to the new property. Mind you its emptied and I have to figure out how to get it out of there I have until the 4th. With very little money to work with as I now have to pay to stay at this hotel (thankful for monthly rates) but still. I had no choice but to back out of this lease with just my father and myself I couldn't afford the rent and bills on top of it. Plus I would have been paying an uber 400 a week to get me to work and home. What would I be working for then? I called the landlord myself and explained what happened what an idoit I felt like because the program was telling me that I would end up with an eviction if I didn't go through with this property the owner was kind enough not to do that. What kind of program that is supposed to help you hurt you by telling you to take a property that you couldn't possibly afford and then probably be hit with an eviction anyway. I feel like I'm a sitting duck. There has been about 3-4 days of communication which is a mix of you need to be the real you and you know I forgive easily and if you did something wrong (like replacing him) to be honest and it will be forgiven. If the baby isn't his (which it is I have NEVER cheated on him) we will deal with it. I love you but cant be with you until I revial some truth that isnt true then ends in a fight a goodbye. What do I do now because its not like you can just go forgetting 12 years and 2/3 children, all the moments shared good or bad, and the responsabilities. I happen to pay the phone bill there has been no discussion about what to do with that. I fill out the help I get for the state do I keep him on or take him off he does get perscriptions that he needs. I want to actually communicate what is going on but not sure if I should let it be and see what happens. I'm a little worried to do so because he did have somewhere to go his moms and we had a falling out back around halloween time. I stupidly letg my daughter stay over for 3 days then we would go trick or treating. They wanted her to stay longer and I said no and my husband wouldn't take my side. I know what goes on at that house and it isn't a good enviorment for the children to be in for long periods of time. People hide things well and I'll keep it at that. I'm just worried that they will try and come after the kids especially since we are displaced. I just don't know what to do anymore. Take the ring off which feels weird keep it on which hurts to look at. Change my status on facebook to seperated even though I don't really use facebook more so now just to see if he had changed anything. Sitting here I feel alone and helpless for the first time in awhile. Sorry I needed to vent and its long but I saw this site and figured it might be a good place to get support and advice.
Jessica


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Any spouse who walks out on their family for no reason - ie abuse, infidelity etc. is not a spouse worth having back. You need to protect yourself and your children, emotionally and financially. See a lawyer asap, know your rights and entitlements. Go from there.

Your focus should now be on yourself and your children, not him. He abandoned you all.


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## Mommyto2 (14 d ago)

frusdil said:


> Any spouse who walks out on their family for no reason - ie abuse, infidelity etc. is not a spouse worth having back. You need to protect yourself and your children, emotionally and financially. See a lawyer asap, know your rights and entitlements. Go from there.
> 
> Your focus should now be on yourself and your children, not him. He abandoned you all.


You are absolutely right. I've told him that plenty of times in the conversations that turn into arguments I didnt think about the lawyer but i'm sure there are services in my county. I'm trying very hard not to let things bother me but they do except while i'm working uless i allow all the ramifications from this overwhelm me. He's no good finacially he's got no job doesn't help at all. Yes I do need to worry about the kids and myself and let him deal with whatever he's dealing with in his head.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Honestly with him constantly accusing you of doing things behind his back ,cheating, etc., either HE is cheating and projecting on to you, or he has some sort of mental illness that is rearing it's ugly head.

As for you -- does your father drive? Can HE take you back and forth (or at least teach YOU how to drive)? Can you take public transportation instead of uber (bus?) -- might be cheaper.

HE WILL have to pay child support for your kids and if he balks at it for the newest child, just have a court-ordered DNA test done to prove paternity. He HAD a job at some point and the court will look at his salary history to help make determinations of payments. You need a lawyer ASAP. Your caseworker should be able to help point you in the right direction for your county services.

Don't bother communicating with him for anything other than the divorce or the children. The fact that he left YOU and the kids may work in your favor for child custody.

Best of luck with this -- you can do it!


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Your husband sounds like someone going thru a mental health crisis. 

Constantly accusing you of cheating , sounds like high anxiety and paranoia. 

Do you know where he went ?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Is he taking drugs, or on pot?

.................................................................

Keep working, no matter what.
That is your safety net.

Get a place to live within walking distance of your job, or maybe car pool with a co worker.

Easy to say, I know.  

So sorry.


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## Mommyto2 (14 d ago)

jlg07 said:


> Honestly with him constantly accusing you of doing things behind his back ,cheating, etc., either HE is cheating and projecting on to you, or he has some sort of mental illness that is rearing it's ugly head.
> 
> As for you -- does your father drive? Can HE take you back and forth (or at least teach YOU how to drive)? Can you take public transportation instead of uber (bus?) -- might be cheaper.
> 
> ...


He does have mental health issues has had them since he ws little. He stopped his meds years ago. My dad is deaf so unfortunatly for me he doesnt drive and i wish you could just catch a bus but im in a rural area. I told him that i wasnt keeping the baby but would get a dna test through my oldest daughter. He was working with me up until last week besides that he hurt his back in 2014-2015 and opened workers comp twice so he stopped recieving those payments as of 2020-2021. I have a phone interview with my county caseworker coming up so maybe she can help. This is very stressful but will conquor.


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## Mommyto2 (14 d ago)

Jimi007 said:


> Your husband sounds like someone going thru a mental health crisis.
> 
> Constantly accusing you of cheating , sounds like high anxiety and paranoia.
> 
> Do you know where he went ?


He has had mental hralyj issues since he was a child. He is on meds for the anxiety but for anything else because his issues are mixed he stopped taling that years ago. Yes i know where he went his moms the worst place for him to be. Mot only doesnt she like me and ofcourse on his side but hes in recovery has been since i got with him hadnt touched a thing until about 2015 and i dealt with it for a year. he is in a house where all you have to do is ask and it will be given.


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## Mommyto2 (14 d ago)

SunCMars said:


> Is he taking drugs, or on pot?
> 
> .................................................................
> 
> ...


None besides the 2 his doctor has him on. Im within 5 minutes of walkind distance of my job right now. i have to get my license because in a rural area you cant just walk to a corner and catch the bus. This is just all around the worst situation. i keep on working though because it makes me feel better and my kids depend on me. It is really frustrating for someone to say well now youll get more help from the state without me there. im too scared to even tell my caseworker about being displaxed and that he's gone. my main priority are my kids and if they got taken from me id be devastated.


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## s.duke05 (12 d ago)

Mommyto2 said:


> I've been dealing with alot of emotions lately from sadness to anger. After being with my husband for 12 years he decided right before Christmas to walk out on myself 2 children and the one we have on the way. I have no friends as we were always together and no family support plus to top it off I don't drive. My family are victims of displacement due to our landlord selling her home. Thank you for that Covid. Anyway we have been living in a hotel for 5 months now and was working with a state program that helped cover your security deposits. Well back in August we started working with this awesome caseworker and my husband seemed cool with her. A reqirement to this program is that you needed to be working. I hopped on it and started to call the local hotels (the one we were at in the beginning wasn't hiring) and since I'm a cleaner and have experience got a job on the spot. "My husband" of course after a couple of weeks of me working there started in on me about every little bruise on my body, why I couldn't tell him everyones names yet, how come he couldn't get a job there, (they didn't want family member working together I tried) then he started in on my 11 year old about if she was keeping secrets for me. alerting people when he was around or leaving and being followed by people. During this time we got new caseworkers and he didn't care for them but we had no choice the other took another position. Now all craziness breaks lose because they are movin our hotel at the beginning of October then finding out that I was pregnant all it was was big blow ups. Ive replaced him, the kids don't love him, nobody wants him around, the games the kids playare getting paid for by someone else, and the kicker that the new baby isn't his. We fought through this for months and finally in November got jobs together at a Resort. I cleaned rooms and he did maintnance/maid man we had two different jobs I still have mine. After awhile he thought that they were trying to keep us apart and people made no sense, they were always looking out for me and against him. He would tell me I would control time mind you your trying to make it out of the situation your in and your hours are 9:30-5:30. He also blamed caseworkers finally they had found a place for us don't get me wrong it was too small for 3 adults and a boy and girl but it wouldn't have been a hotel anymore. On the 13th of last month we went and we signed the lease on this property. We schedule a day to pickup a uhaul and take our 10x20 storage unit up to the new property. Mind you its emptied and I have to figure out how to get it out of there I have until the 4th. With very little money to work with as I now have to pay to stay at this hotel (thankful for monthly rates) but still. I had no choice but to back out of this lease with just my father and myself I couldn't afford the rent and bills on top of it. Plus I would have been paying an uber 400 a week to get me to work and home. What would I be working for then? I called the landlord myself and explained what happened what an idoit I felt like because the program was telling me that I would end up with an eviction if I didn't go through with this property the owner was kind enough not to do that. What kind of program that is supposed to help you hurt you by telling you to take a property that you couldn't possibly afford and then probably be hit with an eviction anyway. I feel like I'm a sitting duck. There has been about 3-4 days of communication which is a mix of you need to be the real you and you know I forgive easily and if you did something wrong (like replacing him) to be honest and it will be forgiven. If the baby isn't his (which it is I have NEVER cheated on him) we will deal with it. I love you but cant be with you until I revial some truth that isnt true then ends in a fight a goodbye. What do I do now because its not like you can just go forgetting 12 years and 2/3 children, all the moments shared good or bad, and the responsabilities. I happen to pay the phone bill there has been no discussion about what to do with that. I fill out the help I get for the state do I keep him on or take him off he does get perscriptions that he needs. I want to actually communicate what is going on but not sure if I should let it be and see what happens. I'm a little worried to do so because he did have somewhere to go his moms and we had a falling out back around halloween time. I stupidly letg my daughter stay over for 3 days then we would go trick or treating. They wanted her to stay longer and I said no and my husband wouldn't take my side. I know what goes on at that house and it isn't a good enviorment for the children to be in for long periods of time. People hide things well and I'll keep it at that. I'm just worried that they will try and come after the kids especially since we are displaced. I just don't know what to do anymore. Take the ring off which feels weird keep it on which hurts to look at. Change my status on facebook to seperated even though I don't really use facebook more so now just to see if he had changed anything. Sitting here I feel alone and helpless for the first time in awhile. Sorry I needed to vent and its long but I saw this site and figured it might be a good place to get support and advice. Jessica


 You are so strong and amazing keep it up


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Mommyto2 said:


> Well I can tell you thats exactly what my husband did to me the Friday right before Christmas. Left me pregnant with our 2 other kids homeless staying in a hotel (him being the driver) in a rural area. After having signed a new lease and moving a storage unit into said property. Id say that a man who says he loves his family doesn't do that and is not a man at all for doing so. There has never been any infidelity in our relationship and he suddenly thinks there is. Thinks I'm hiding "Deep Dark Secrets" when we were together everyday. We worked together and regardless Ive never thought to be with another man. To start verbally attacking a 11 year old for some type of answers that he thinks shes hiding for me. Since you seem pretty good at giving advice tell me Why a man would do this to his family?


<^^^ quoted from another thread>

I'm just catching up on your thread here.

Your husband didn't leave for no reason. From the things you've said here, you've got a real problem with this guy. He's not stable.

My best guess agrees with the other posters here.

Your husband has mental health issues and couldn't handle the pressure and the stress of being a husband and dad in the midst of all that trouble. The scenario you described about your landlord and living in hotels, I suspect it was too much for your husband and he ran away, back to mommy where everything is handed to him on a platter, instead of rising to the occasion like he should have.

He is accusing you of cheating which is a huge red flag for him cheating himself. That could be... he may have found someone who didn't need him to be a husband and a dad. The "no responsibilities" thing may have gone straight to his head. All the while you were trying your best to raise a family in spite of him being useless. But when you factor in mental health issues, it's hard to be certain. Predictable behavior goes out the window when someone is having mental issues. So maybe he is cheating, or maybe he isn't. It's hard to say.

My best advice to you is to distance yourself from him in every way. He's not a good guy for you or your children until those mental health issues are cleared up. Ask that lawyer and your caseworker about divorcing him.

Move on from this man, he has abandoned you already so make that official.
Stop talking to him and do your best to get him out of your head. Focus on those kids and doing what's best for them, as well as taking care of yourself.

I do wish the best for you and it sounds like you're really in a tough place.

Keep posting on TAM, people here are great for giving support and giving you ideas.


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## redHairs (6 mo ago)

This story is awful. And OP really needs a help. She is in the terrible situation, probably the worst one I saw in this forum. 
Basing on what I know about it(including personal conversations), I would ask everybody who see this to help OP. Including friendship, etc. 
Please don't close this thread. If you ever wanted to help somebody, I think, OP is your chance to do this.


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