# I don't know what is wrong with me



## Dark and twisty (Nov 2, 2013)

This is is my first post here, so to start I want to do a short introduction. I'm 30 years old and have been married for almost 2 1/2 years, together for 5 years before that, and have no kids. I love my husband very much and we have so far had a very good marriage. Now on to why I'm here. Lately I have been feeling off. The biggest issue I have is that I have no desire to have sex, it has gotten so bad that I have anxiety about it when I think he is going to try. I want to want to do it, but I can't convince myself. I've tried to make myself get into it but I just end up wanting it to be over. I don't know why, but I just can't do it. The last time we had sex it took everything I could muster to not cry at the end. I know I need to tell him, but I don't know what to say when he asks why. I don't know what to say when he assumes that he is not "good enough." I am afraid he is going to think it is an issue of performance and that is not it at all, but I don't think he will believe me when I tell him that. And lately, all I want to do is lay in bed. I don't want to go anywhere, don't want to do anything, and that is not like me. Has anyone ever felt this way? How do I fix this? And how do I talk to him without him thinking that he is doing something wrong? Because I am the broken one, not him, I don't want him to think its him.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Typically, there's a reason why people's feelings towards their partner change. How long have you been feeling this way? 

C


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

What if I told you the way you were feeling was a normal thing, a normal part of a LTR and that in time, with work it would get better?

What if I told you that your husband already is aware that you're not very into him lately but doesn't know what to do about it?

First, tell him exactly what you said here. Yes it may sting, but honesty is the only way you two can work through this together.

There are things you can do on your own to boost your sexual drive, things he can do to help you, but most importantly keeping it secret to avoid hurt feelings will only make it worse and drive a wedge of resentment between you. Pretty certain neither of you would want that.

Talk to him, tell him how you feel and if possible what you need from him. Sexual desire begins in your brain so begin there with honesty and openness.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Are you on any medications that can be causing this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dark and twisty (Nov 2, 2013)

It's been building for about 2 months I would say. I don't love him any less, I want to spend time with him, it's sex that I can't do.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Were you ever abused? Latent / repressed memories?

Meds?

Pre-menopause?


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

I do know that feeling. Did it come on suddenly? Have you had your hormones checked? Have you tried any herbal supplements? Have you tried reading erotica or looking at porn? Are you getting regular exercise? Do you have a lot of stress in your life? What about past experience like a conservative upbringing or bad sexual experiences? Life can trigger past issues that you didn't even know you had. These aren't always logical either.

My guess is your husband already knows something is up so make sure you are open and honest. It's hard not to take it personally when your spouse doesn't want sex. My husband and I went through many years of trying to fix my lack of desire, don't give up without a fight. We are happy and active now twenty years in, but we worked hard at it.


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## Bamzor (Aug 15, 2012)

Dark... are you masturbating? Using vibrators. Sometimes the almost instant gratification, the release of stress can take the place of intimacy with your spouse. 
Ups and downs will happen. Prolong periods are unhealthy to your relationship to your spouse if you are not communicating the truth. The longer it goes the pressure is so dreadful..its sad when you can look back. Communicating it with your husband while best can lead him to question everything. Word it carefully and knowing you want to try to correct means so much...it would to me. The ole "I just don't feel like it" well....go look on 'coping with infidelity" Many men will say my wife never would have sex ...so I had to find it somewhere...or the wife...got a spark but it wasn't with their husband.


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## Dark and twisty (Nov 2, 2013)

No abuse, not on any meds, not masturbating in place of intimacy. I've had a very happy marriage so far and I don't have any past relationships that would be causing problems for me now. I know I need to talk to him, and I will. I have not talked to anyone about this other than here. He is gone for the day and I've been home all day thinking about this and really needed to talk to someone. It's good to know that other people have dealt with this too and that it can be fixed.


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## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

It sounds like some form of depression to me. Talk w your husband- let him help you. If you leave him in the dark it will only exacerbate whatever feelings of loneliness and inadequacy he's probably feeling.
Also, don't beat yourself up- your recognizing there's an issue and have the will to so something about it- that's half the battle. Now go talk to a physician or a therapist.
I hope for the best.


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## beautiful_seclusion (Oct 22, 2013)

The fact you are disinterested in other things as well really sounds like depression rather than a sexual issue. You might want to see a doctor or a therapist, as that type of thing can get worse. Do you have any reason you might feel depressed? Do you exercise and eat healthy? Healthy lifestyle choices can really help to boost your mood. But you need to talk to him, and if lifestyle changes don't fix it, see a professional.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I was going to suggest depression as well. Especially with you saying you want to stay in bed, not to anywhere or do anything and its not like you.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> What if I told you the way you were feeling was a normal thing, a normal part of a LTR and that in time, with work it would get better?
> 
> What if I told you that your husband already is aware that you're not very into him lately but doesn't know what to do about it?
> 
> ...


*No, this is not normal*. Please do not neglect yourself our your relationship. You need to seek competent help. This may be a homornal issue or it may be depression. Please tell your husband that there is something wrong , that you love him and that you are working on sorting things out.


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## Dark and twisty (Nov 2, 2013)

I do exercise, usually 4 days a week, although it has gotten harder to find the motivation and I eat lots of fruits and veggies. There isn't really anything that I can think of to cause depression but I am not ruling that out. I will call my Dr. and see what he says.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Depression often doesn't have a cause.

Some is situation related - I.e. a death, a divorce, etc.

However many cases are a chemical imbalance, no cause needed. Just a misfire in the brain.


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## Antman (Oct 19, 2013)

It sounds like depression to me. If this is the case, don't beat yourself up over it - it can happen for no apparent reason. The chemicals in your brain just start working differently and bingo, that's it.
DO tell your husband what's going on. He can't help if he has no idea. 
It can happen to anyone although the stats suggest women are more at risk. The stats also say that 25% of women will suffer at some point in their life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

It doesn't sound like depression to me, depression hits everything across the board.

And yes, losing your sex drive towards your spouse IS normal. Relationships grow stagnant long before any awareness of loss of feeling enters the mind. Do the same things day in and day out, yes it hits lots of people and it's normal. What isn't normal is how people deal with it. How they shut themselves off and apart, finding blame where maybe it doesn't exist.

Have you gained any weight recently, has your sleep been affected, has your skin changed? Check your thyroid.

I don't see depression in what Dark has written. She could be depressed because of her lack of sex drive, but depression didn't cause the lack of sex drive. However thyroid imbalance could.


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## LadyDee (Oct 1, 2013)

Anon could be right, get your thyroid checked out and before you do, read up on symptoms of thyroid disease and see if you have any others.

Do you have any brain fog at all, many women who exhibit signs as yours, when they address them with their doctors, are given depression medication which only makes things worse. Also get your hormone levels checked.


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## beautiful_seclusion (Oct 22, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> It doesn't sound like depression to me, depression hits everything across the board.
> 
> And yes, losing your sex drive towards your spouse IS normal. Relationships grow stagnant long before any awareness of loss of feeling enters the mind. Do the same things day in and day out, yes it hits lots of people and it's normal. What isn't normal is how people deal with it. How they shut themselves off and apart, finding blame where maybe it doesn't exist.
> 
> ...


She says she also doesn't want to go anywhere, do anything, has trouble maintaining her normal exercise routine, and just wants to stay in bed. And that this has been happening for two months. It sounds like far more than a sexual issue IMO. But you're right, it still could be thyroid and anti depressants can make things much worse if that's not what you need. So OP be really proactive with your doctor, do your research and make sure they give you thyroid and any other appropriate tests before deciding on a treatment. It really does sound like a medical issue though as it sounds very sudden and out of character for you. Tell your husband and see a doctor as soon as you can. I hope you get past this soon.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Dark and twisty said:


> And lately, all I want to do is lay in bed. I don't want to go anywhere, don't want to do anything, and that is not like me.


Go see your doctor and tell them this.
To me it just screams depression.

There is no need to feel this way.... 

All the best _dark and twisty!_


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