# Need Advice----Husband doesn’t want any more kids



## Papmers123

Hello, this is my first time posting on a forum, but I need some help and insight. Little back story, I'm 32 same with husband, and before we got married we talked about having kids and we talked about 2 (he said 3 once, but never agreed on a number just that we wanted kids) so in my mind I had us having at least two. We have a great loving marriage, (he is the love of my life) we had our daughter 19 months ago. It was only about two weeks after we had her my husband said he was done, he only wanted the one. I was shocked but thought it was b/c she was a handful and cried almost non-stop until she was 9 months old (we think she had colic) and being first time parents we were very overwhelmed, now my daughter is almost 20 month old and is walking and talking and I'm really want to have another one, but my husband does not. 
Again I love my husband more than anything but I feel lost because he keeps saying isn’t our daughter enough and I just don’t want her to be an only child. This is the first time we haven’t been able to come to a compromised, and he keeps saying he is opened minded to having another one, but what he is opened minded to is me changing my mind and realizing we only need one.
I do see the benefits of having just one, but in my heart of hearts I don’t want her to be an only child, but I don’t want to break up a loving home b/c I have this deep desire for another baby which I will never get. Any advice or help would be greatly appreciated! 
Thx


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## Mavash.

It's only been 10 months since your daughter stopped crying nonstop. He's traumatized by the whole baby thing.

You are very young. Can you give this subject a rest for now until your husband has healed? Or is this a dealbreaker?


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## JustHer

How are you going to feel about it if you don't get another child? Are you going to resent him for it? Is he going to resent you if he agrees but really doesn't want to. You two need to have a talk about how this decision is going to affect your relationship, and you two need to really listen to each other. This type of thing has the potential to ruin a marriage if you can't work it out.

I agree with you that he should not have agreed then changed his mind. Problem is, guys usually don't feel the same way about babies that women do. I think we have more tolerance and love because we birthed them.


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## norajane

Has he told you specifically what his concerns are? You mentioned you _thought _it was because parenthood was overwhelming at first - is that what he said?


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## Papmers123

Hey all thanks for the post, to be honest I don’t know what to do, because yes he said he didn’t realize parenthood was going to be so much work, and that he wasn’t anticipating all the crying. She did cry a lot if she wasn’t sleeping. But now that she is older and getting better, Id hope that he'd see it’s not that hard as infancy, but every time she gets upset and throws a tantrum, he says sarcastically "yep lets have another one that’s seems like a brilliant idea"  and I try to keep saying this is only temporary, but he says there will always be some next stage and it’s not going to get any easier, so why complicate things and have another one. 

And Justher, yes that is exactly the issue we are having, if we have another kid that he doesn’t want and is doing it for me, he will resent me and vis versa if we don’t have another one, I know, I'm going to resent him from not letting me have another baby. So here we are in this cycle. 

and i just can’t contemplate how a partner can deny a woman a baby, its in our genetic make up, they don’t have to carry the baby for 9 months.

What bothers me (don’t get me wrong he is a good father) but I am the one that did all the work for the first year. Every night I was up with her, (every night) I'm the one that gives her a bath every night, I feed her dinner, I put her to bed, I got up with her in the middle of the night when she was crying, all he did was lie in bed and listen to her cry when I couldn’t console her. The one thing he did do and still does is change her diapers. He has always been good about helping me with that. 

So what I don’t understand is why he is saying no to another one, when he didn’t really help me at all when I needed it. We do have a few other big issues related to this, but those are for another post. 

So when it’s asked is this a deal breaker, that’s why I feel stuck. I'm 32 and I don’t want to be in my late 30’s early 40's having another kid, I don’t want my kids to far apart in age, but I don’t want to break up my family and tell my daughter when she is older oh mommy broke up your family because I didn’t want you to be an only child, (and mess up her life) and I ultimately I love my husband and my marriage and don’t want to be with anyone else, but this is a big issue for me and I know it’s going to lead to a lot of fights and resentment and his response to all of this is I just need to relax. WTF!!!  How am I supposed to relax? 
Thanks all for listening!!!!!


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## Mavash.

Papmers123 said:


> We do have a few other big issues related to this


Usually these issues are interconnected.

What else is going on?


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## PBear

Mavash. said:


> Usually these issues are interconnected.
> 
> What else is going on?


I agree. I wouldn't want more kids in a relationship with "big issues" either. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustHer

OP, how is your sex life? One of the things men worry about is that their wives attention turns to the babies and they feel left out. Would he be more supportive if he felt that your relationship wouldn't suffer? Could you make some kind of agreement that you would still be able to give him all the attention he needed?

Having babies is hard. There are not many men that actually enjoy the younger years. My husband made comments like the one yours did. It was aggravating. He never had the patience with the little ones he should have and was actually hostile about it at times. It made raising the kids a lot harder than is should have been. I am telling you this so you can weigh the facts. Having a H that is not that into it can cause resentment on the other end of the spectrum as well.


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## Papmers123

Maybe I should have rephrased that, it’s not a bigger issue, but it’s an issue between him and I romantically, he is afraid of me getting pregnant so in his mind sex is not important because the fear of me getting pregnant is bigger so our intimate relationshipso its basically not existent. And yes we have talked and talked and talked at nauseam about this and the ball is in his court and I have no say when it comes to that and now I have no say in having another baby, so there is not the chance of an ops baby and nor would I want that, I want us to want # 2 together, that is the only way it will work.


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## JustHer

I did not mean to insinuate you "trick" him. I would NEVER recommend that. I was just wondering if you could make him feel secure in your relationship and that your attention to him would not dwindle with the addition of another child.


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## JustHer

Sounds like the only option you have is to let him know that you really do want another child. One of the reasons you married him was because you two were on the same page about this. That if he insists on changing the rules now that you will resent him for it and it will affect how you feel about him and your relationship.

Be upfront with him and very clear about it. I would even make him repeat it back to me so there is no misunderstanding on where you stand on this issue.


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## Mavash.

So he's quit having sex with you?


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## hambone

JustHer said:


> OP, how is your sex life? One of the things men worry about is that their wives attention turns to the babies and they feel left out. Would he be more supportive if he felt that your relationship wouldn't suffer? Could you make some kind of agreement that you would still be able to give him all the attention he needed?
> 
> Having babies is hard. There are not many men that actually enjoy the younger years. My husband made comments like the one yours did. It was aggravating. He never had the patience with the little ones he should have and was actually hostile about it at times. It made raising the kids a lot harder than is should have been. I am telling you this so you can weigh the facts. Having a H that is not that into it can cause resentment on the other end of the spectrum as well.


I agree with you. BUT, (always a but) as a father who enjoyed every single minute of raising my kids... even that part where we were walking the floor at 3am with a croupy baby who was gasping for air. I enjoyed every minute.

Now the BUT part. Compared to my wife... I'm an idiot when it comes to taking care of babies. I tried to help but I'm just not very good with it. For example, I used to get up and do that middle of the night feeding. Stupid me... I'd turn the lights on so I could see, maybe watch a little TV while the kid was feeding... and it was taking me 3 hours. I'm sure you know why. 
I complained about it taking me so long... she could do it in 20 minutes. She finally watched me do it and showed me how to do it and things went a lot smoother.

Don't just tell you husband to "take care of the baby". He'll bounce the kid on his knee for 5 minutes and go back to reading Field and Stream magazine. You have to be specific. "I need you to bathe the baby and dress her for bed". He's not going to know how to do that. You're going to have to show him how to bathe the baby... and how to get her ready for bed.

Men are that stupid. 

What I used to do was take the kids out. To McDonalds or a park.. so mom could sleep. 

And, you hit the nail on the head, if that kid is cutting in to his love life.. that is going to be a HUGE negative.

Preferred approach? Go up to him... smile.. raise your eye brows. "Honey... I REALLY want to spend time with you tonight. Could you help me out by XYZing the baby?"

Tell him what's in it for him!


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## Papmers123

Justher, no I wasn’t assuming you said that, but I know a lot of women who might think that is a great idea, and those women are nuts, after having my daughter I realized that, anyone thinking that having a baby will help a marriage is delusional. It only adds more stress and pressure. We fought more this past year than ever. But things are getting better now of course. What’s killing me is the fact that all my GFs are having baby #2 and #3 and here I am with no baby number 2 insight that I want. My one GF just found out her husband had an affair and she and him are expecting baby number 2. An ops baby for her but still baby number 2. 
My husband and I planned baby #1 and we got lucky our first attempt at it I got pregnant right away. So a lot of people I have talked to said have ops but again you have to have sex for an ops. LOL and I don’t want that, I want us to have a baby together on the same page b.c otherwise like you said it won’t work and could untimely lead us to divorce. And he keeps saying he is opened minded but if I were to force him to make a choice right now he says NO. So I keep trying to tell myself to relax and have faith, but it’s on my mind every day and for my sanity I want to have this resolved so I don’t start to resent him even more than I'm starting to now. But he told me last night that it on his mind every day to and he is at a NO and it would taking nothing less than a miracle for him to say maybe we will do it again “maybe”


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## hambone

PBear said:


> I agree. I wouldn't want more kids in a relationship with "big issues" either.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you've got a good marriage. Kids make it better.

If you've got issues. Kids make it worse.


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## Papmers123

Mavash. said:


> So he's quit having sex with you?


not quit, but we have slowed down a lot... a lot. he has never been a sexual person to begin with and as time has gone on we have slowed down but now with his fear of antoher baby, sex is the farthest thing from his mind. and its the first thing on my mind so aside for another baby this has been another "issue" between us.


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## Papmers123

Thx justher, I guess I need to just keep hearing it, just when I found out about my one GF ops I couldn’t help but get upset and start crying. My husband of course didn’t understand why, but as a mom I'm sure you know. This is not a place I thought I would be in. But your right I need to try to relax. And I do love my family so very very much and grateful for them every day. I just don’t want this to be the end of my family- is all, and I have a very stubborn husband (whom I do love) all I can do is pray he changes his mind. I just hate hate that he holds all the cards.


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## Papmers123

hambone said:


> ... even that part where we were walking the floor at 3am with a croupy baby who was gasping for air. I enjoyed every minute.
> 
> Your wife is a very lucky lady


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## hambone

Papmers123 said:


> hambone said:
> 
> 
> 
> ... even that part where we were walking the floor at 3am with a croupy baby who was gasping for air. I enjoyed every minute.
> 
> Your wife is a very lucky lady
> 
> 
> 
> Thanks.
> 
> That was a scary night.
> 
> Our son was about 2. My wife woke me up.. She was pretty panicky saying he couldn't breathe.
> 
> She had him wrapped in a baby blanket and she was right. the kid was gasping for breath... sounded absolutely horrible. In my underwear... I put him on my chest and walked out in the back yard. I was jostling him up and down... pounding on his back. And PRAYING!. It was a cold winter night. Well, cold for us... maybe in the mid 30's. All the while I'm thinking, "If he doesn't start breathing better, we're going to the hospital"
> 
> In about 30 or 45 seconds, he settled down.. started breathing better and in about 2 or 3 minutes he was breathing normal.
> 
> Whew!!! That cold crisp air did the trick... opened up his lungs.
> 
> 
> I was 36 when he was born. I was settled in my career, I was married to the woman of my dreams... Children made our life complete. I went on every field trip, basketball game, soccer game, back to school night, play, concert, etc..
> 
> Many people have told me I was the most involved father they've ever met. I took literally hundred's of thousands of pics. I look at pics virtually every day. Good times... the BEST of times.
> 
> The only down side to waiting so long... I'm probably going to miss out on raising grand babies.
Click to expand...


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## Syco

Don't compare your life with the lives of your friends. I know it is easier said than done, but give your husband some time.


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## Papmers123

hambone said:


> Papmers123 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Thanks.
> 
> That was a scary night.
> 
> Our son was about 2. My wife woke me up.. She was pretty panicky saying he couldn't breathe.
> 
> She had him wrapped in a baby blanket and she was right. the kid was gasping for breath... sounded absolutely horrible. In my underwear... I put him on my chest and walked out in the back yard. I was jostling him up and down... pounding on his back. And PRAYING!. It was a cold winter night. Well, cold for us... maybe in the mid 30's. All the while I'm thinking, "If he doesn't start breathing better, we're going to the hospital"
> 
> In about 30 or 45 seconds, he settled down.. started breathing better and in about 2 or 3 minutes he was breathing normal.
> 
> Whew!!! That cold crisp air did the trick... opened up his lungs.
> 
> 
> I was 36 when he was born. I was settled in my career, I was married to the woman of my dreams... Children made our life complete. I went on every field trip, basketball game, soccer game, back to school night, play, concert, etc..
> 
> Many people have told me I was the most involved father they've ever met. I took literally hundred's of thousands of pics. I look at pics virtually every day. Good times... the BEST of times.
> 
> The only down side to waiting so long... I'm probably going to miss out on raising grand babies.
> 
> 
> 
> WOW well I am glad he is okay, I can only imagine how scary that must have been. once my D was passed out and I couldn’t see her breathing so I shock her awake, she wasn’t happy, but I had to make sure. LOL
> That’s what I'm afraid of, my husband doesn’t realize how fast time flies. And before we know it she will be outta the house. I know people keep saying we have time, but she is already pushing 2, and I don’t know where this past year and 8 months has gone. Time just needs to stop..haha
Click to expand...


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## Papmers123

Syco said:


> Don't compare your life with the lives of your friends. I know it is easier said than done, but give your husband some time.


lol yes it is. I’m trying not to and yes my husband says the same thing, but like you said its hard since it’s something I would like soon that’s why I'm having this feelings of envy, b.c I know it’s not something he wants


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## Moulin

I wouldn't push him - a resentful dad isn't a positive influence in their child's life. 

You have a happy marriage, a healthy child. Life is better than you realize.


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## Syco

Papmers123 said:


> lol yes it is. I’m trying not to and yes my husband says the same thing, but like you said its hard since it’s something I would like soon that’s why I'm having this feelings of envy, b.c I know it’s not something he wants


It's a tough position to be in. I hope it works out for you in the end.


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## MyHappyPlace

People change their minds about kids, especially when the first is a hard one. Or even a good one. My H and I decided while I was pregnant with our daughter that we were done. I had my tubes tied when she was born. 2 weeks later I was traumatized and crying that I could never have another baby. He looked at me like I was crazy and reminded me I had a 15 day old baby sleeping down the hall. 5 years later and I still cry EVERY.SINGLE.MONTH when my menstrual cycle starts and I'm reminded that there are no more babies in my future. But then our older boys start in with their fighting and I sigh with relief knowing that in 13 years, my H and I get the house to ourselves. Right in time for his retirement and us to go on a cruise. 

I understand wanting more children. But try to see it from his point of view. Those first 9 months were horrid and with the terrible 2's coming... it will probably never be AS BAD as those first months, but it still isn't easy. Think about it this way. If the first time you tried a new activity and it was incredibly difficult and you felt like a failure, would you want to try it again? Probably not. And that feeling like a failure part is just a generalized assumption on my part. I know I feel horrifically inadequate as a parent when my child is crying and I either don't know why or am powerless to stop it. You mentioned it being in our biology as women to want children. How about it being in his biology to fix things and he spent months and months not being able to "fix" your daughter's upset. This is still very fresh in his mind. 
He seems pretty firm in not wanting more children so to say the ball is in his court isn't correct. He made his stand. You just want him to change his mind. As I'm sure he wants you to change yours. The ball isn't in anybody's court as neither of you seem willing to change stance. So what it really comes down to is...
Is this a deal breaker for you? And you need to figure that answer out soon. To sit back and "hope and pray" that he changes his mind isn't going to work. The time will pass and while 32 isn't old by any means, there is a reason doc's warn against pregnancy after 35.


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## Papmers123

MyHappyPlace said:


> People change their minds about kids, especially when the first is a hard one. Or even a good one. My H and I decided while I was pregnant with our daughter that we were done. I had my tubes tied when she was born. 2 weeks later I was traumatized and crying that I could never have another baby. He looked at me like I was crazy and reminded me I had a 15 day old baby sleeping down the hall. 5 years later and I still cry EVERY.SINGLE.MONTH when my menstrual cycle starts and I'm reminded that there are no more babies in my future. But then our older boys start in with their fighting and I sigh with relief knowing that in 13 years, my H and I get the house to ourselves. Right in time for his retirement and us to go on a cruise.
> 
> I understand wanting more children. But try to see it from his point of view. Those first 9 months were horrid and with the terrible 2's coming... it will probably never be AS BAD as those first months, but it still isn't easy. Think about it this way. If the first time you tried a new activity and it was incredibly difficult and you felt like a failure, would you want to try it again? Probably not. And that feeling like a failure part is just a generalized assumption on my part. I know I feel horrifically inadequate as a parent when my child is crying and I either don't know why or am powerless to stop it. You mentioned it being in our biology as women to want children. How about it being in his biology to fix things and he spent months and months not being able to "fix" your daughter's upset. This is still very fresh in his mind.
> He seems pretty firm in not wanting more children so to say the ball is in his court isn't correct. He made his stand. You just want him to change his mind. As I'm sure he wants you to change yours. The ball isn't in anybody's court as neither of you seem willing to change stance. So what it really comes down to is...
> Is this a deal breaker for you? And you need to figure that answer out soon. To sit back and "hope and pray" that he changes his mind isn't going to work. The time will pass and while 32 isn't old by any means, there is a reason doc's warn against pregnancy after 35.


 That’s what I’m worried about, we are not "old" but I yes we did have our first baby later than most so that’s why I thought we would be having our second not to long after. And you’re right it was hell the first 6-9 months. She is just now starting to calm down but she is a handful. And he says the same thing about how with only one we have more freedom, but I know we are going to blink and she is going to be going to college. I mean she is already 20 months and to me a little person. She is very independent already so I can only imagine how she will be as she grows. 
We did get into a huge fight this past weekend and he basically told me the same thing, if this is a deal breaker for me I have to make that decision. Which really hurt me because yes I want more children but I also want them with the man I married. I don’t want to break our marriage up because of this and what kills me is I'm not asking for 3-4-5-6. I'm asking for one more. Just one more. I just don’t want my D to not have a sibling. So after we finally started talking to again, I did tell him I would go back on the pill and he keeps saying no I shouldn’t not until we have deceived we are done. So what the hell does that mean? I don’t understand if you don’t want more, wouldn’t you want your wife back on the pill? So I am just torn and confused.


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## Papmers123

JustHer said:


> 3. Let him know that if you don't have any children, you will probably have some resentment towards him, it doesn't mean you want a divorce, but it more than likely will affect your marriage. It is only fair that he know this and that it may be a very long time for it to resolve. Some women have actually gone through all the stages of bereavement when they cannot have more children. Bereavement is not something we can control or calculate how long it take to process through. It is not that you are choosing to hold a grudge over him, but it is real feelings that will take time, possibly years.
> 
> The thing I worry about most with your situation is that you will spend these precious years of your daughters grieving instead of relishing them.


 You are 100% right on the grieving thing. I was crying and crying like a baby this weekend and thought to myself the same thing am I grieving over the fact that I won’t have any more kids. And I felt so stupid. I'm crying over something that doesn’t even exist. It’s not like I miscarried or anything. This is a baby that isn’t even there. And then I looked at my D and started crying even more because I was like you are here and I am acting like you are all grown up and gone. I hate being a woman…  This emotional S**t we have to go through, isn’t fair!! ..haha 
What is the worst is I can’t even have an adult conversation with my husband about it because I am so emotional about the whole thing right now. When I hear him say nope we are done, I just want to start crying and yelling at him. I know that’s not helpful what so ever, because if there is one thing he hates it’s when I act like a baby myself. And what he said to me was he was tired of hearing it Every G**d*mn day. So that’s why I want to just drop it for now, but it’s like a gigantic elephant in the room, I just want it to be done so we can move forward, but until this is finalized the elephant is just sitter there between us. 
And I know I should be concerned with having kids older but my mom had me at 38 and I'm healthy so that isn’t something I'm putting too much stock in. But yes this has to be a decision that we both want b.c if god forbid something was wrong I need his support knowing that we both wanted this baby and tackle whatever comes our way together. But the one thing he does do to me which annoys me to no avail, is whenever I lose my patients for my D tantrum my H always says well you want another one so this shouldn’t bother you at all. It’s like just because I lose my patients doesn’t mean that I love this either and think it’s all rose and sunshine. Its work.


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## Papmers123

JustHer said:


> I am not saying you should be concerned about something going wrong. I am saying that IF the child had even ADHD, this would be an additional stress to raising children. I had 5, my first at 27, my last at 37. The first and third are on the autism spectrum, ADHD, ect. It had nothing to do with my age. I was older with the last two and they are fine. But speaking from experience, it made parenting MUCH harder. My H wasn't completely on board with a large family (although he didn't to anything to prevent it) and I heard those kind of comments out of him too. It was very annoying. I am glad for all my children and I love them all dearly, but it was hard.
> 
> I completely understand how you are feeling. It is a desperate, hopeless feeling. But your kids don't have to be 2 1/2 years apart. If you got it into your head that you wanted your kids to be 5 years apart, you would be able to relax and enjoy this time with your daughter. If I had it to do all over again, I would have spaced mine more. Kids are really babies until they are 5. It would have been better for them and me if I could have focused on each child when they were little longer than I did before having another one.


 Thank you for your advice, it does help to realize that they don’t have to be a certain age apart. I would like them to be a little closer in age, but at this point Ill get what I can take..LOL 
My brother and I are 5 years apart so we are not that close, b.c he was in college when I was going into high school. So it just worries me, but again I seem to worry about “what if’s”. I just need to relax, I know that, but like I said it’s so hard to be excited for my GF’s who are finding out they are having number 2 already. And you’re right I don’t want to take away my D and my time together. 
Thanks again all for the help and advice everyone, it’s been helpful to my emotions right now.


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## Wiltshireman

OP,

Relaxing and enjoying some time as a little family of three will do you all the world of good. If I can give some advice it would be to try and get your husband involved in the rearing / care of your daughter as if you continue to do it all there is a good chance that he will:
1. Not form as strong a bond with her as he would otherwise do. 
2. Resent the amount of time / effort / emotion you devote to the child and feel that you are neglecting him.

Either or both of those would make it less likely that he will choose to have another child.

As others have said not all husbands make natural dads (or all wives natural mothers), some of it is instinct (paternal / maternal) some of it is training / experience. I was lucky that I come from a big family so had plenty of opportunities to help with my younger siblings and later with my nieces before my own children came along. 

Whilst my wife is my greatest love my children are my greatest joy.

The best of luck to you all.


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## Papmers123

Wiltshireman said:


> OP,
> Relaxing and enjoying some time as a little family of three will do you all the world of good. If I can give some advice it would be to try and get your husband involved in the rearing / care of your daughter as if you continue to do it all there is a good chance that he will:
> 1. Not form as strong a bond with her as he would otherwise do.
> 2. Resent the amount of time / effort / emotion you devote to the child and feel that you are neglecting him.
> 
> QUOTE]
> 
> See that’s the funny thing, he isn’t be neglected at all. His priorities are backwards.. lol, (in my opinion).  I am working full time, just like he is, but also taking care of our D (90% of the time on top to that) and I'm still willing to put time into our relationship, but he is the one who is too busy or to tired with work so when he gets the chance to relax literally that’s all he wants to do is relax. And when I bring anything up all he says is why isn’t he good enough for me. And him being good enough has nothing to do with it, he is good enough I'm, just asking for two things.(more intimacy and another baby down the line) and I'm tired of hearing that I should be happy with what I have, because I am. But again we are only 32 and everyone always says it’s weird that he isn’t all over me still or at least interested in it. So that’s why I'm starting to feel some resentment toward him because I don’t think I'm asking for too much from him, but in his mind I know all he hears is nag…nag…nag…


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## SScaterpillar

I understand from where you're coming. My husband and I have one child. I wanted 3, ideally. I've certainly changed by mind since then. My husband was always "2 max!" I would really like to have another child, if only to give our son a sibling. My husband and I both had brothers and we would love for our son to have the unique experience of having siblings. However, with the way the healthcare has been lately (and the way it's going), financially we just can't. It kills me that money and the government and insurance companies have dictated the number of children I can have. 

Our son is 5. I still think about having another. My husband gets freaked when we talk about it. His biggest concern is money. Mine is more about time. I worry about being able to share my time between two children as well as my own career. 

Later on, you may also change your mind. You can't ever agree on a number of children before you have them. It's not possible as so many factors come into play. What if you two had agreed to have at least one child and then it turned out one of you couldn't have children, physically? You wouldn't tear up the marriage for that.

In the end, I'm sure you'll feel that even if you can't have a second child that the one you already have will be enough. I know that when I think about or look at our son that if he's "all I get" then I came out pretty dang well. We have a wonderful child and I couldn't ask for more. One thing that keeps me positive about the idea that we very well may never have another child is what will benefit our son in that scenario. So he won't get that cool sibling experience, but he will get 100% of the attention and love from his parents.

This doesn't kill my baby fever, though. I get it every time someone is pregnant or I see a little baby.


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## SScaterpillar

Papmers123 said:


> Wiltshireman said:
> 
> 
> 
> OP,
> Relaxing and enjoying some time as a little family of three will do you all the world of good. If I can give some advice it would be to try and get your husband involved in the rearing / care of your daughter as if you continue to do it all there is a good chance that he will:
> 1. Not form as strong a bond with her as he would otherwise do.
> 2. Resent the amount of time / effort / emotion you devote to the child and feel that you are neglecting him.
> 
> QUOTE]
> 
> See that’s the funny thing, he isn’t be neglected at all. His priorities are backwards.. lol, (in my opinion).  I am working full time, just like he is, but also taking care of our D (90% of the time on top to that) and I'm still willing to put time into our relationship, but he is the one who is too busy or to tired with work so when he gets the chance to relax literally that’s all he wants to do is relax. And when I bring anything up all he says is why isn’t he good enough for me. And him being good enough has nothing to do with it, he is good enough I'm, just asking for two things.(more intimacy and another baby down the line) and I'm tired of hearing that I should be happy with what I have, because I am. But again we are only 32 and everyone always says it’s weird that he isn’t all over me still or at least interested in it. So that’s why I'm starting to feel some resentment toward him because I don’t think I'm asking for too much from him, but in his mind I know all he hears is nag…nag…nag…
> 
> 
> 
> Sorry for the back-to-back post. I tend to read the OP and then comment first. This will pass. I have a fantastic husband, but he was the same way when our son was a baby. Well, except for the intimacy thing. He's probably terrified of getting you pregnant again. Mine, on the other hand, was wanting to jump me in the OR as soon as they took our son out of my womb. HA!
> 
> I'm telling you - you two are going through one of the toughest trials of a married couple. Your first baby will test your relationship from top to bottom. Vent here, vent to your friends, vent to your mom, whoever. It may not seem like it, but it will help at least a little bit.
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## Wiltshireman

SScaterpillar said:


> My husband and I both had brothers and we would love for our son to have the unique experience of having siblings. However, with the way the healthcare has been lately (and the way it's going), financially we just can't. It kills me that money and the government and insurance companies have dictated the number of children I can have.


Having another child IS a big commitment (in time, money and emotion). For working families it often comes down to a life style chose, One child and a nice car / foreign holidays / spare cash or a larger family but having to maybe move to a cheaper area to afford the larger house / running an older car / camping holidays or similar.

I am biased my wife and I are both from big families and have a big family. Finances were a big issue for many years but we have adapted / overcome the problems over time and would not change what we have but to make it work *both partners need to be "on the same page" if not "of the same mind".*


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## EnjoliWoman

Lots of good comments here... I only have one but had a bad marriage to begin with and was fine with just one. Having an only child can be wonderful - you can do more since there is more money. 

But from those with 2 or more children I do hear that two are never alike. A second child may very well be much calmer. On the other hand there are no guarantees about personality or health. 

Have you spent time with other couples with multiple children? Has he spoken with other fathers to understand that the younger years are tougher and they become fun and interesting little people as they get older?

Maybe you two should agree to get an IUD so you can safely resume intimacy yet quickly reverse it should you both agree on another. 4+ years apart has it's own pros and cons - no college at the same time! No fights over sharing stuff or interfering in social activities. An older sibling will take the younger under their wing. 

I hope you are able to resolve this so you both are content.


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## Papmers123

EnjoliWoman said:


> But from those with 2 or more children I do hear that two are never alike. A second child may very well be much calmer.
> Have you spent time with other couples with multiple children? Has he spoken with other fathers to understand that the younger years are tougher and they become fun and interesting little people as they get older?
> 
> Maybe you two should agree to get an IUD so you can safely resume intimacy yet quickly reverse it should you both agree on another. 4+ years apart has it's own pros and cons - no college at the same time! No fights over sharing stuff or interfering in social activities. An older sibling will take the younger under their wing.


 My husband is so stubborn, so unfortunately when we are around our friends who have more kids, he always says see this is a pain in the ass. More work and more stuff we have to carry around and more lost time trying to get out the door. Which he is right, but like you said as they get older it gets easier. Me on the other hand when I see a baby just sitting there I think, the next one could be like this. and he always says I can put 100 good babies in front of him, there is no guarantee our next one would be calmer. I would really love my kids to be close in age, but like I said previously at this point if they aren’t ill take it. Because there is that benefit of having them father apart. 

“Maybe you two should agree to get an IUD?” IUD? Not familiar with that, but if you are talking about some kind of birth control, I have told my husband that I would gladly go back on the pill, but he has said that that is not 100% guarantee to work either. And he said that if we want to have another baby, why go back on for me to have to go off and wait a while again. He doesn’t see the point of me going back on the pill since we are still undecided, but I just don’t know how to get it through to him however that our sex life has to change. 
It’s funny actually I was reading in the Sex in Marriage thread and someone posted that she only gets it once maybe twice a month and I thought she was lucky.. lol I mean when we first had our D yeah things slowed down because we were tired and had a new baby, but even though I was the one up all night and tired, I was always ready and willing to have S*x with him. 
And things were slowing down before our D was born but now it’s just ridiculous. And since I’ve been with my husband for close to 10 years I have no idea if that is normal? If it’s not that uncommon? If I am reading too much into it? But from what I hear yeah sex slows down, but since we are so young I always hear he should be all over you or want it all the time, its unusual that as a man he doesn’t. And what kills me is when we do “do it”, he always says we need to do that more often, and I say so why don’t we but then another few weeks go by without anything. And I honestly think he could go the rest of his life without and be just fine. I however become a raging B*t*h. So that makes me wonder sometimes if its medical, b/c again like I said I’ve only had one husband, so I don’t know if this common or not. So we just kinda have a twofold problem right now.


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## Mavash.

If the sex was slowing down prior to your D being born then yes you have two big problems right now.


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## aeasty

my wife wanted another child rather soon after our son and I was against it we are younger then you but for me I am the 3rd child out of 4 me the age gaps are 30, 28, 23(me), 16 and it seemed like I was always on the back burner to my parents until I was 16 - 17 and then as I wanted them but out of my life they wanted in. For me under 3 years is a bit too soon I have a friend who puts it as no more till they are toilet trained and stop wetting the bed, so if they are like him they will wet the bed on their 18th birthday. but I can only say from my perspective give him some time and don't make the sex life die, as much as your dyeing to have another he is probably too but just isn't ready for the whole ordeal of it again so soon and if the sex dies out so will his interest in having another because he will see it as I only get it now once in a blue moon with 1 and it will be none with 2.


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## H30

To be very honest, I am not sure I want a second child and my husband said that not about a second child would be a deal breaker for him. I think my uncertainty is definitely related to problems in our relationship. Maybe your husband feels that another baby is going to pull you away from him. Take some time to be with him and show him that you are there.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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