# True love Miles apart



## cj2011 (Aug 4, 2017)

So I have been dating my boyfriend for six months and it has been more than amazing. We are so connected in so many ways and on the same level. We have that love that most people look for but never find. Within just a few weeks I knew he was the one. He finished my sentences, knew exactly what I was thinking. We look look at each other and it’s like we are looking into each others souls. It’s almost as if we had crossed paths before in this lifetime or a lifetime before because the first time we met it was like we had known each other our whole lives. I’m able to talk to him about anything that I’ve never was able to talk to with anyone else. He completes me on so many levels. He adores my daughter from a previous relationship and she adores him as well.


Now here’s our only issue. He was married years ago and has two girls of his own in another state and misses them terribly and wants to be there and here at the same time but we are literally miles apart. He pays for child support but has no custody while I am still waiting on papers from the courts for my daughter and her dad and we are doing 50/50. So how are we supposed to make this work? I know when two people love each other and if it’s meant to be they will find their way back to each other. But looking at every angle and possibility I don’t see it happening. I don’t want to lose him and I can’t go with him even tho it sounds so tempting just to start over and be in a warmer climate and be with the one I love. But let’s be honest our children ground us and keep us anchored. He even at one time suggested he go there for visits and vise versa for his daughters but that’s so expensive and overall a girl or girls need their father and their mother. And I can’t just uproot my daughter to a strange land away from her father and everything she knows. And I can’t just leave and work out custody where I would get her six months out of the year. I’m so lost and confused and just need answers and some advice from someone on the outside.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

On these two lovers..

Two trees both, not oak, are Willow.

Weeping Willows.

Willow have a large root systems, are hardy and not blown down easily by storms.
They have a short life span, about thirty years.

They drink and hold a lot of water, water shed from the morning dew resemble tears.
Hence, the name.

One of you has to be transplanted.
One of you has to bend.

If not, both die a lonely death.

Your children [both sets] have long lives ahead of them.
They can bend.

You and your lover have shorter lives.

One of you two, the one with the greatest love, must move, must sacrifice.

Or both Willows will slowly die, dry out from lack of water, water given up to tears.

Love is the only 'good enough reason' to commit to great sacrifice.

Lost love is never recovered, only mourned, forever and a day.


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## cj2011 (Aug 4, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> On these two lovers..
> 
> Two trees both, not oak, are Willow.
> 
> ...




So you say one of us should sacrifice our kids for each other 


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Are we talking children involved, like under the age of 10?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Six months is a bit early in the game for me(specifically the having to move to another location). Further, your post reads like a fairytale. Unicorns and rainbows. Understandable in a new found love. In another 6 months in a new place, will these unicorn feelings be there?


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## Um Excuse Me (Feb 3, 2018)

.....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

brokengrl86 said:


> So I have been dating my boyfriend for six months and it has been more than amazing. We are so connected in so many ways and on the same level. We have that love that most people look for but never find. Within just a few weeks I knew he was the one. He finished my sentences, knew exactly what I was thinking. We look look at each other and it’s like we are looking into each others souls. It’s almost as if we had crossed paths before in this lifetime or a lifetime before because the first time we met it was like we had known each other our whole lives. I’m able to talk to him about anything that I’ve never was able to talk to with anyone else. He completes me on so many levels. He adores my daughter from a previous relationship and she adores him as well.
> 
> 
> Now here’s our only issue. He was married years ago and has two girls of his own in another state and misses them terribly and wants to be there and here at the same time but we are literally miles apart. He pays for child support but has no custody while I am still waiting on papers from the courts for my daughter and her dad and we are doing 50/50. So how are we supposed to make this work? I know when two people love each other and if it’s meant to be they will find their way back to each other. But looking at every angle and possibility I don’t see it happening. I don’t want to lose him and I can’t go with him even tho it sounds so tempting just to start over and be in a warmer climate and be with the one I love. But let’s be honest our children ground us and keep us anchored. He even at one time suggested he go there for visits and vise versa for his daughters but that’s so expensive and overall a girl or girls need their father and their mother. And I can’t just uproot my daughter to a strange land away from her father and everything she knows. And I can’t just leave and work out custody where I would get her six months out of the year. I’m so lost and confused and just need answers and some advice from someone on the outside.


How old are you and your boyfriend.

You are in the infatuation stage of this relationship. It generally lasts 18 to 24 months. Only after that time would you know if this relationship is really going to pan out as a long term relationship.

There is no way to make this relationship work.


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## cj2011 (Aug 4, 2017)

stillfightingforus said:


> Are we talking children involved, like under the age of 10?




Mine will be 7 and his are 9 and 13


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## cj2011 (Aug 4, 2017)

Yeswecan said:


> Six months is a bit early in the game for me(specifically the having to move to another location). Further, your post reads like a fairytale. Unicorns and rainbows. Understandable in a new found love. In another 6 months in a new place, will these unicorn feelings be there?




It feels just as that to be honest but feels like more. Just have to wait and see


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## cj2011 (Aug 4, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> How old are you and your boyfriend.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I am 31 and he is 38... could very well be just that we are in that stage since we both want the same things but we cant


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

brokengrl86 said:


> Mine will be 7 and his are 9 and 13
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Nope. Absolutely not. The risks to those 3 kids is not worth either of you acting on this in any way, shape or form.


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## cj2011 (Aug 4, 2017)

What we have is real and is no fairytale, we at one time thought we could somehow make it work and maybe that was the fairytale. All I know is that this man has changed me in so many ways and I can’t picture my life without him. I try to but it’s unbearable. I think what we are doing is a great thing we both are in a way giving up in each other for the greater good of our own children. And if it’s true love and if it’s meant to be we will find out back to each other if not in this lifetime but the next. I have to hold onto that at least to keep me strong. Just wish there was a way we could be together and have both our daughters in it


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Why doesn't he have his children living with him at all? Where is he living right now? Near you or them? How often does he see his children now?

It will be many many years till either of you will be able to move nearer to each other and one or both may have met someone else by then.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

brokengrl86 said:


> ... I can’t picture my life without him. I try to but it’s unbearable.


Can you think of some ways you can make the separation more bearable?


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## cj2011 (Aug 4, 2017)

Prodigal said:


> Can you think of some ways you can make the separation more bearable?




Wish I could other ham just enjoying every day we have to it’s fullest


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## cj2011 (Aug 4, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Why doesn't he have his children living with him at all? Where is he living right now? Near you or them? How often does he see his children now?
> 
> It will be many many years till either of you will be able to move nearer to each other and one or both may have met someone else by then.




He doesn’t have any custody of them and they live in another state and currently he is in the same state with me 


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

cj2011 said:


> He doesn’t have any custody of them and they live in another state and currently he is in the same state with me
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Did he move there to be with you or was he already there when you met?
Its very unusual for one parent to have no time with his children staying with him, even if its just every other weekend. Why didn't he get this?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> Did he move there to be with you or was he already there when you met?
> Its very unusual for one parent to have no time with his children staying with him, even if its just every other weekend. Why didn't he get this?


There could be many reasons, including the mother moving away.

If he's living in the same state as you OP, I don't get what the big deal is? How far apart are you?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

cj2011 said:


> What we have is real and is no fairytale, we at one time thought we could somehow make it work and maybe that was the fairytale. All I know is that this man has changed me in so many ways and I can’t picture my life without him. I try to but it’s unbearable. I think what we are doing is a great thing we both are in a way giving up in each other for the greater good of our own children. And if it’s true love and if it’s meant to be we will find out back to each other if not in this lifetime but the next. I have to hold onto that at least to keep me strong. Just wish there was a way we could be together and have both our daughters in it
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I have a friend how met a guy I 1997. They lived many states apart and neither could move. She had 3 sons, the youngest was about a year old. She was divorced. 

They dated long distance until all of her sons were out of high school. Every chance he got, he drove or flew there and stayed with her and her sons for holidays. They took vacations together every year. They talked via phone, skype, etc. just about daily.

In 2015, after her youngest son graduated from high school they got married. Her sons love him and were really happy about the marriage. They had a small wedding their her parent's house because her mother was terminally ill and could not go out. It was such a sweet wedding. Not big an fancy. One of the best parts of it was that her 3 sons and their girl friends cooks the entire wedding dinner and served it ... it was a beautiful, elegant dinner.

My point, if he's the love of your life the two of you will figure out how to make this work without hurting the relationship with each of your children.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

cj2011 said:


> He doesn’t have any custody of them and they live in another state and currently he is in the same state with me


Why doesn't he have any custody or visitation with his own children? Why doesn't he live in same area that his children live?


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

cj2011 said:


> He doesn’t have any custody of them and they live in another state and currently he is in the same state with me
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Super plan.

No really- just a fairy tale . 
Poor kidlets-.


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## cj2011 (Aug 4, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Did he move there to be with you or was he already there when you met?
> 
> Its very unusual for one parent to have no time with his children staying with him, even if its just every other weekend. Why didn't he get this?




He was here for a couple months before we meant. He does have family here.


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## cj2011 (Aug 4, 2017)

frusdil said:


> There could be many reasons, including the mother moving away.
> 
> 
> 
> If he's living in the same state as you OP, I don't get what the big deal is? How far apart are you?




I live in Michigan and he’s from texas


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## cj2011 (Aug 4, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Why doesn't he have any custody or visitation with his own children? Why doesn't he live in same area that his children live?




Well he can have visitation but is currently here in this state. And he gave her full custody because at the time he thought that was the right thing to do, that girls need their mother more. And it was only supposed to be for a few months with him living here but life happened.


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## cj2011 (Aug 4, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> I have a friend how met a guy I 1997. They lived many states apart and neither could move. She had 3 sons, the youngest was about a year old. She was divorced.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




That’s a very touching and inspiring story. Thank you for sharing. And it took them many years to actually be together. Sounds so heart gripping as I think about that possibility with my own situation. But yes we don’t want our children to get hurt in the process of us figuring everything out more than they have already endured. When you truly love someone you have to be selfless and put your own wants and selfish needs aside for your children.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Each that moves to the others "home turf" is typically at more risk in an unplanned future break-up. 

This is tough. Maybe don't do anything for a year? 

Or can he pay for your move and you move, (if that's what YOU want) and you keep a substantial cash stash for a few/more years, in case of a break-up?

Those here will mostly side with caution before any rash move, and they are right, with compassion and empathy...

Best of luck.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

brokengrl86 said:


> That’s a very touching and inspiring story. Thank you for sharing. And it took them many years to actually be together. Sounds so heart gripping as I think about that possibility with my own situation. But yes we don’t want our children to get hurt in the process of us figuring everything out more than they have already endured. *When you truly love someone you have to be selfless and put your own wants and selfish needs aside for your children.
> *
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


That should read, "When you truly love your children, you should put your selfish wants needs to be with a new beau aside for your selfless love for your children."

I read what you wrote that he gave up custody of his children to his wife because he thought they needed her more than him. 

Where did he miss the memo that children, little boys and little girls, need their daddy as much as they need their mommy? They will be deeply damaged to know that daddy abandoned them.

You should encourage him to go back to the state where they live and get 50/50 custody of them. They should come before you.

Ellegirl's post is the best way to go, if both of you love your children and care about their needs.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

brokengrl86 said:


> He was here for a couple months before we meant. He does have family here.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


OK so he had already made the decision to move there without his children. So what is the issue and why didn't he have any custody of the children?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

brokengrl86 said:


> Well he can have visitation but is currently here in this state. And he gave her full custody because at the time he thought that was the right thing to do, that girls need their mother more. And it was only supposed to be for a few months with him living here but life happened.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


All dad's I know who were divorced had their children part of the time even if just the weekend. Girls desperately need their dad.


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## cj2011 (Aug 4, 2017)

Araucaria said:


> That should read, "When you truly love your children, you should put your selfish wants needs to be with a new beau aside for your selfless love for your children."
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Yes that what I meant but I don’t word it right. And they should come before me both our children will come before each other 


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## cj2011 (Aug 4, 2017)

Araucaria said:


> That should read, "When you truly love your children, you should put your selfish wants needs to be with a new beau aside for your selfless love for your children."
> 
> 
> 
> ...




And he realizes now after it’s been years of them being split that he should have custody to. And I am encouraging him to go back it’s the right thing to do. Still hurts none the less


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## SarcasticRed (Feb 21, 2018)

6 months is nothing. Especially since it is "forbidden", the early stage is all excitement and lust. In 11 years, all of the children will be through HS and hopefully going to college or otherwise getting out on their own. Many couples have long distance marriages for various reasons. 

He was willing to give up custody of his young children. He moved states away from them. I don't think you have said why he moved away to begin with and what kept him away longer. At one point, he was considering staying near you (someone he knew less than 6 months) instead of moving back to his children. 

If you want to make it work long distance, plan visits as much as you can. Embrace technology. Do not uproot your daughter away from her father for a man who willingly left his children a thousand miles away.


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## [email protected] (Mar 1, 2018)

This is why you make lists of "must haves" and "dealbreakers" before you waltz into relationships.

So you dove in and established this "perfect" soul-mate scenario ringed with dynamite and booby traps. Then as they prove to be fatal, you ask what to do... 

If it is going to be a problem that he drinks or has a felony record or is bisexual or a marxist or has children he needs to live near in another state... then you cross him off the list before putting yourself in a no-win situation.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

The thing I think about is that you probably don't know all there is to know about him. What if you move near him or with him and you find out that he is abusive or has an addiction or is awful with money and put you in financial ruin? These are things you just can't know yet and it would be awful if you uprooted your life and your child(ren)'s lives took them away from their father (if their father is in their life) only to get in a situation that is horrible. Its not worth the risk especially the huge red flag that YOU had to convince him to move back to HIS kids.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Yeswecan said:


> Six months is a bit early in the game for me(specifically the having to move to another location). Further, your post reads like a fairytale. Unicorns and rainbows. Understandable in a new found love. In another 6 months in a new place, will these unicorn feelings be there?


Exactly my first thoughts, right after: "gee I think someone's watched too many romcoms!" Nothing is that perfect, even though it seems it in the beginning. Those are your loins talking. Give it a few more months and see if those feelings are still there, then go from there.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Hey I am not going to castigate you for getting involved with someone. Life happens. However, part of what shapes that life is the past we all have. In both of your cases, specifically children. When each of you made the decision or perhaps had the decision made for you, you each took on the responsibility of those children. That responsibility trumps anything that came later, including, unfortunately, the fairy tale you now find yourself in.
Having said that, six months is a very short period of time. It may be great now. So if you really think this is real, distance should not be an issue (although I suspect it will be). Let him go. Then visit with each other as often as you can. Otherwise, my advice, is to say goodbye and move on with your life


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## cj2011 (Aug 4, 2017)

brokengrl86 said:


> And he realizes now after it’s been years of them being split that he should have custody to. And I am encouraging him to go back it’s the right thing to do. Still hurts none the less
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk




I know exactly, he says that he didn’t want to fight only because he seen what has happened to other families and if the two parents can’t come to an agreement that they will remove the children from the home. I am encouraging him to go back it is the right thing to do.


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## cj2011 (Aug 4, 2017)

thefam said:


> The thing I think about is that you probably don't know all there is to know about him. What if you move near him or with him and you find out that he is abusive or has an addiction or is awful with money and put you in financial ruin? These are things you just can't know yet and it would be awful if you uprooted your life and your child(ren)'s lives took them away from their father (if their father is in their life) only to get in a situation that is horrible. Its not worth the risk especially the huge red flag that YOU had to convince him to move back to HIS kids.




Thank you and yes I’ve thought about all of that that’s why I’m just going with the flow and moving on with my life the best way I can. If it’s meant to be than there will be a way but only if our children can be involved. Because I’m not going anywhere. My daughters dad is still an active parent yes he may pawn her off every chance he can get and doesn’t help with her homework but he’s still there.


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## cj2011 (Aug 4, 2017)

A little update or twist to my story

And yes bring on the criticism I can take it

But I was late on my period a few days ago and of course I told him. We’ve always talked about all of our wants and we both want the same thing. But obviously we can’t have that at least not right now. But pretty much his response was I’ll be there and help you in any way I can. And if I ever need anything to call him. Which is the response I was expecting of course. I mean am I dumb or something to think he would just stop and forget about the children he already has to start something with someone who is still new? Yeah in a little selfish way I was hoping for that response. I mean if we really love each other than we can do anything together even the impossible and we would figure out a way for all of us to be together. But just so happens I was just four days late and I started and I took a pg test and I’m not. Of course I’m happy because I do not want to raise a child on my own, I’m basically already doing that but the difference is her dad is here so I’m not alone, alone. And seeing him be there with his girls while I’m here with his would just kill me. His response when I first told him was that he was happy cuz I would always have a big part of him.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

brokengrl86 said:


> His response when I first told him was that he was happy cuz I would always have a big part of him.
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


And you can't see what he's saying without actually saying it??


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## cj2011 (Aug 4, 2017)

frusdil said:


> And you can't see what he's saying without actually saying it??




I can see what he said he said it


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