# I lost my Best Friend



## Wifey2Mommy (Oct 26, 2012)

I posted this in another forum but I wanted to post it here also...

This is a long story, but I appreciate you reading! 

So my Brother In Law is actually my best friend. We (usually) text consistently through out the day (usually making fun of each other) and now he hasn't talked to me even AFTER I apologized and I don't know what else to do. 

What happened was recently he lost his job. So the day started out of me driving him to the unemployment office (it is right next to the college, where I had an appointment) so while I was at my apt he was setting all his stuff up. Well on the way home he admitted to me that the reason he got fired was TRUE, he in fact DID milk the clock for money and even did as much as drink WHILE ON THE JOB. so that annoyed me that he was so irresponsible. 

That night we had planned for a while to go out to a bar(the night before halloween). My BIL goes out almost every night with our annoying alcoholic loser of a cousin and they sit in the corner with each other and don't talk to anyone. My BIL always complains that he doesn't know many ppl and doesn't have a GF so my hubby and I invited him out to the bar we go to (my best friend is the bar tender) so that he could meet people and meet GIRLS, especially one girl I had in mind for him. (this was a special occasion because hubby only has ONE week DAY off, and BIL had weekends off, so we rarely ever got to go out together) 

Well it all started that he was complaining that he can't spend all of his money, and I kept reminding him that IT IS FREE (like I said my best friend is the bartender)(and I just realized that I am saying my BIL and my bartender are my best friends, but the bartender is a female so she is a best friend on an actual BEST FIREND level....if that makes sense.lol) 

ANYWAYS not only was my BIL VERY late when he got there he was really rude to people and gave everyone the cold shoulder. a bunch of us girls were trying to tell him about the girl we had in mind for him and he just kept acting rude and not even trying to return the conversation at all. then as the bar was closing we went out for a smoke (I don't smoke but I do when im drunk ) and so my BIL said he would light my cig for me so I gave it to him and he put it in his pocket and wouldn't give it back (he doesn't smoke) I kept telling him to give it back but he wouldn't, I kept getting really pissed off. So he drove me and hubby to my inlaws house (where my BIL hangs out a lot) and on the way I was saying 'I never get to go out and now you just ruined the night with your terrible attitude" and on and on. and then he took us to my inlaws when initially he was suppose to drive us home. Well then I just kept texting him and telling him how annoying he was and how I didn't understand why he was so rude and blah blah. he was very rude in return also...

about a week later went by and I apologized..and he never even texted me back. (I should add that he is on our cell phone plan but pays us 10$ for his phone line) and in the argument he did say he was going to get on his own phone program. 
so then a week after the argument I shut off his phone too and told him "I turned off your phone because I don't know why you would think you could have such a strong hate for me yet still use my phone, you've had a week, that's long enough to get on your own phone line" and he never messaged me back to that either, that was via FB message btw. 

anyways...my mom (who recently joined AA) was randomly saying to me "be careful about when you drink, not that you have a problem, but you're a lot like me and you get mouthy and its hard for the women in this family to eat $hit and say when we are wrong" and this is true...I find myself sometimes during the day just crying because I am so bummed out that I lost my best friend over a stupid little fight! I don't understand why he hasn't accepted my apology. or at least had a few days to process the apology and gotten back to me. its been a week exactly since my apology. 

The question is-should I message him again and ask him to talk to me about what he is feeling, or should I just let it be. 
The problem is that my inlaws (including him) are a bunch of procrastinators and not to mention pu$$y's that are always to coward for conflict (of any sort) so what I DON'T want is for the holidays to come around and us awkwardly have to be around each other for the holidays with no resolution. 

anyways.....sorry about the length.....


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I think you should let it be. You're getting awfully controlling with him, and it appears that alcohol is an awfully big factor in what has happened in his job circumstances, your relationship with BIL, and your mom. To me it sounds like you're quite possibly alcoholic and codependent, something your mom's trying to say she sees in you. Everything you've described here is consistent with that, too, since apparently both you and BIL keep drinking even after it causes problems in your lives.

Where is your husband in all this? 

Your concern about having an awkward Christmas seems a bit odd when there is so much else going on, but it won't be that awkward if you avoid each other and you don't try to force him to be friendly and talk.


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

Ditto on what KathyB said. Let him be!! 

What also bothers me is the fact you know your BIL has a drinking problem and your actions as you describe them are condoning it. And who in the world sets up a 'friend' (best or not) with someone they know who has any kind of addiction problem? That doesn't describe a 'friend' to me.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Too much sexual tension between you and your BIL. So your hubby is not around much I gather so you hang out and drink with your BIL. Not good at all.

Sounds like also you may have a drinking problem that runs in the family. 

All this play between you and the BIL is indeed flirting BTW. Sexual tension. Games.

I read some of your other posts ... the fact that you and your husband re having trouble just makes this all the worse.


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## Wifey2Mommy (Oct 26, 2012)

Umm, I guess I should clarify. Because I am definitely not an alcoholic, I rarely ever go out. Maybe once a month-If I'm lucky to find a sitter. This all happened in one night and then the days I apologized all happened while I was at home. 

Also I should clarify my husband was there the whole time and is always around. in fact we always go out together because he is more fun the anybody else, in my opinion. 

also- I have dealt with many cases of alcoholism in my family and I know how to deal with it and have seen counselors and everything.so I think you all are trying to dig too deep and trying to find an under meaning to everything instead of actually helping with the initial problem, which IS me worrying about Christmas. I have a son and he doesn't deserve people to be awkward on Christmas, or even not to see them on Christmas if they plan on not talking to us.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

While you feel strongly about your BIL being absent on Christmas for your son, the truth is you can't control what he does or doesn't do. You apologized. That's the end of it for you. He has to either accept it or not, and from his distance, he's not ready to accept it.

What YOU need to do is accept that he may not be around for a while. His choice. Make the best of it without him. Christmas is still coming whether your BIL cares to show up or not.


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## Wifey2Mommy (Oct 26, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> While you feel strongly about your BIL being absent on Christmas for your son, the truth is you can't control what he does or doesn't do. You apologized. That's the end of it for you. He has to either accept it or not, and from his distance, he's not ready to accept it.
> 
> What YOU need to do is accept that he may not be around for a while. His choice. Make the best of it without him. Christmas is still coming whether your BIL cares to show up or not.


Thank you! that is the best advice yet, I guess it is just a hard pill to swallow.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

He sounds like a loser and you should avoid him.
He's not good for you, not good for your marriage.. .No upside.


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## Wifey2Mommy (Oct 26, 2012)

Hicks said:


> He sounds like a loser and you should avoid him.
> He's not good for you, not good for your marriage.. .No upside.


seriously, He doesn't have anything going for him, he complains all the time about it but doesn't do anything about it. it is really annoying. he really is quite the loser...He isn't an alcoholic like other's have said. he's just a 23 year old bachelor that is going no where. So I think you are right.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Wifey2Mommy said:


> He doesn't have anything going for him, he complains all the time about it but doesn't do anything about it. it is really annoying. he really is quite the loser.


I guess what has me wondering is why you titled your post, "I lost my Best Friend." Your BIL doesn't sound like the type of person you respect, let alone would want as a bff. I'd just leave him be and let him figure out what to do with the mess he has for a life. 

He hangs out at a bar regularly with a cousin you refer to as an "annoying alcoholic loser." Keep in mind that birds of a feather ...

He may be an alkie, he may just drink to fill up what sounds like an empty life. But he was drinking on the job. That's pretty off the hook, IMO.

Forget the tension, and just enjoy the holidays. If other family members want to behave like azzhats, that's their issue and not your's to own.


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## Wifey2Mommy (Oct 26, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> I guess what has me wondering is why you titled your post, "I lost my Best Friend." Your BIL doesn't sound like the type of person you respect, let alone would want as a bff. I'd just leave him be and let him figure out what to do with the mess he has for a life.
> 
> He hangs out at a bar regularly with a cousin you refer to as an "annoying alcoholic loser." Keep in mind that birds of a feather ...
> 
> ...


This is true, about the birds of a feather....I never put those two together! 

and it is also true that I don't really respect him that much, I even told him that in part of the argument. but I think that it is possible to not respect them entirely and not have respect for the life they are living and still consider them a best friend, BUT it does make for a weird dynamic, obviously as you can see in my case. 


Thank you everyone that was helpful, The biggest thing I get out of this is just to let it all go.


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## Wifey2Mommy (Oct 26, 2012)

Okay so here is another problem that literally JUST arose!

I told my husband about all your advice and he said this, "It is my brother of 22 years I can't just drop him off the earth." 

I don't know what to do. My husband never backs me up over anything, My BIL has never done any good in our lives at all...obviously it isn't going to be easy if my BIL never talks to us. obviously its going to be hard....but to me it is worth it. it is my BIL choice....I don't understand what my husband wants....


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Wifey2Mommy said:


> Okay so here is another problem that literally JUST arose!
> 
> I told my husband about all your advice and he said this, "It is my brother of 22 years I can't just drop him off the earth."
> 
> I don't know what to do. My husband never backs me up over anything, My BIL has never done any good in our lives at all...obviously it isn't going to be easy if my BIL never talks to us. obviously its going to be hard....but to me it is worth it. it is my BIL choice....I don't understand what my husband wants....


You and your husband aren't excusing yourselves from HIS life, it's the other way around. Nobody asked either of you to cut the BIL off. You have to wait him out.


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## Wifey2Mommy (Oct 26, 2012)

exactly! that is what I told him too. ugh, life. He says he will back me up now, but I don't really believe him....BTW this isn't the first time this has happened. I mean with my husband taking my family in laws side. I've never fought like this with my BIL but I have with my MONSTER(mother) in law and every time my husband would take their side, or try to give them benefit of the doubt. so it is hard for me to trust him after so many years of him literally betraying me. so what should I do now...


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

IMO your BIL has a secret crush on you.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Why isn't your husband your best friend? If my wife told me my brother was her best friend, FU go and marry him then.


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## Wifey2Mommy (Oct 26, 2012)

Um, my husband is my best friend but on a completely DIFFERANT level.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I don't get it. What does your husband want you to do? You apologized.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Personally i think this connection with the BIL wasn't healthy to begin with. He doesn't talk to anyone and has no gf and doesn't make an effort because he doesn't want to. That may be related to you being there for him.



> We (usually) text consistently through out the day (usually making fun of each other)


This doesn't sound too peachy. Are you sure you two are on the same page?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

CanadianGuy said:


> IMO your BIL has a secret crush on you.


Hense the sexual tension I mentioned above. Yeah dangerous situation.


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## Wifey2Mommy (Oct 26, 2012)

exactly WorkingOnMe-luckily he understands know what I've been trying to say, but lets see if his actions say what his words are (the typical problem.) 

and I do not agree that my BIL has an crush on me or vice versa and we are on the same page now which is not speaking to each other.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Honestly I'm not sure what to make of the dynamic you all (3) have. In your other post (the hygiene issue) it sounds like your husband has serious self esteem issues. And here it sounds like he's pushing you toward his brother. Something doesn't smell right (no pun intended).


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Wifey2Mommy said:


> Um, my husband is my best friend but on a completely DIFFERANT level.


I haven't followed any of your other threads so... How many best friends to you have? From what it sounds like, you are not very good with boundaries. I'm not saying your attracted to your BIL or that you are looking to cheat; however, I also think it's inappropriate for you to text your BIL so much and not spend more of that energy on your husband. Also, you seem to disrespect boundaries by going out of your way to make your opinions known to everyone far and wide. Let your BIL live his life as he wishes to. Give him advice if he asks for it.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I don't think you understand what 'best' means.


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## Wifey2Mommy (Oct 26, 2012)

I think I've come to the conclusion that these forums online aren't a good way to get constructive advice, mostly for the fact that the people don't actually know me or the people I am talking about and so their opinions (or advice) really have no relevance at all.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Wifey2Mommy said:


> BTW this isn't the first time this has happened. I mean with my husband taking my family in laws side. I've never fought like this with my BIL but I have with my MONSTER(mother) in law and every time my husband would take their side, or try to give them benefit of the doubt. so it is hard for me to trust him after so many years of him literally betraying me. so what should I do now...


Again, the ball is in your court. Yeah, I know, the old "blood is thicker than water" stuff. The problem is, once you marry someone, you are taking a vow in front of family, friends and God (if you believe in a higher power/entity) to honor one another. You get born into a family - no choice. You marry a partner - choice. 

With that in mind, you have to question why you are sticking with your husband. Sounds to me like you feel you could get thrown under the bus by hubs. This is one of the fundamental issues in a marriage that would be a deal-breaker for me. I could not live my life in a me-against-them situation that breaks out in occasional battles, with nobody actually winning the war.

The question that pops into my head is, "Why is she staying?" Your husband's family sounds like it's chock-full of addicts and people mired in too much drama and negativity. 

Life is short. I'd suggest you really think of what you're dealing with. It doesn't sound like you are happy with this bunch - in-laws and husband included.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Wifey2Mommy said:


> I think I've come to the conclusion that these forums online aren't a good way to get constructive advice, mostly for the fact that the people don't actually know me or the people I am talking about and so their opinions (or advice) really have no relevance at all.


Lots of people would beg to differ with your opinion. However, I respect your opinion to think whatever you choose about this forum. No, people don't know the people you're talking about. But, like my mom used to say, "If you don't like the answer, don't ask the question."

And I don't mean that in a rude or condescending manner. The fact is, this is cyberspace, people are limited to what they think they "hear" through posts. If you find nothing of relevance here, I'm sorry. There are people who do find what they seek.

I just call it as I see it. I'm "hearing" you say that your husband doesn't have your back. Your BIL is a mess. Lots of other issues going on. 

Well, sorry we couldn't be of help. I hope you find peace and resolution to the issues you face.


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## Wifey2Mommy (Oct 26, 2012)

Prodigal-you make some really good points. my husband and I have been up and down for quite some time now. and by down I mean me kicking him out and saying I want a divorce. I haven't ever went through with it because then he is back to the man I fell in love with, then his family finally backs off and then life is good again and I'm reminded why I married him in the first place. But then a situation arises with his family and it all hits the fan again. It is hard because when they are really rude to me sometimes I feel I can't even stick up for my self because I don't want to say something wrong to upset my husband. 
We have talked and he has even gone and talked to friends about what to do and of course they all say stick it to your family, and tell then what is up. I think he realizes now that his actions before weren't very manly in the sticking up for me aspect and just showed his family also that he will coward down to them all the time, so then they would take advantage of that and get away with murder (figure of speech obviously) 
I wish the slight use of alcohol was the only addictive part that there was though haha, there is so much more to these insane in-laws that I married into I wouldn't even know where to start. 
But we have talked about it and I think he's realized that he was wrong and I truly think our entire life is going to be different from here on out. 


and as for the remarks about all my other threads- my husband and I have some issues. some small and some big. and I post on here to talk about them. In a weird way I like just being able to have an adult conversation (im a stay at home mom to a 21 month old) so sometimes just talking to adults about adult things feels like a vaca some days. My husband and I have our ups and downs but just because we have a down moment doesn't mean that this is it. If I was going through with a divorce, if I was cheating on him or anything of the sort-I wouldn't be stupid enough to post it online. 

also-I know what best means. but really I only have about 3 friends-hubby included. I am one of those people that would rather have 3 best friends then 50 acquaintances, if that bothers you then it isn't my problem. They all three are their own BEST in their own individual way.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I can't recall, but are you and/or your husband in counseling? When either partner uses the D-word, that means - to me at least - that tensions have reached the point where it's time to start leading separate lives. Problems have reached the point where one or both people think the marriage cannot be repaired.

I am not an advocate of divorce, although there are times when I have suggested separation so a couple can gain perspective and breathing space; a time-out to detach from the tension.

You have to do what you feel is best for your marriage. When you marry someone you also marry their family, to some extent. Unfortunately, I think you got much more of his family than you thought you'd get.


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## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

Maybe you should just stop texting so much??


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