# Just About Had It



## Lore (Nov 1, 2013)

Hi. This is my very first post but I've been reading the forums for a few months now. My story is a long one but I'll try to make it short.

Married my husband 15 years ago after 6 months of dating. I had a 16 year old daughter at the time-he never had kids. Never had any problems until daughter had to move back home for what we thought at the time was due to financial reasons. We found out after she came home that she was a drug addict and went through hell for about a year. He harbors alot of resentment towards her for what she put us through at that time (stealing from us, lieing, etc) and has never forgiven her for any of it. She is sober now for almost 2 years. She has an 18 month old boy and they both live with us. I love them both dearly and have spent alot of my breath in defending my daughter over various things that really shouldn't have had to be defended. My husband seems to get mad at her for the dumbest things and then he complains constantly to me about her. He says things that are very hurtful about her and sometimes says them in front of her. Not only are those things hurtful to me when he says it, it has created so much stress in our home it's almost unbearable. 

I am finding it more and more difficult to live in a house where my husband does not seem to have love for my daughter and just a little for my grandson. He can be a real ass to my daughter and to me and we have had many an argument over the whole situation. 

I'm pretty sick of it. This morning he was mad because the baby woke us all up about 4am because he was sick. My daughter got up with him right away, but because he was sick he cried. My husband got so pissed off because he got woken up. When I went into our bedroom to get something, I said "oh, you're up" and he said "Isn't the whole house" very loudly and saracsticaly so my daughter could hear. Then, he went back to sleep and when he got up about an hour later, he was slamming doors and cupboards.

This kind of behavior from a grown man (62) drives me just nuts and I've about had it with him. Does anyone have any suggestions on what to do here to try to make things work out until my daughter can again afford to be on her own? (she is ready to complete school next week and will be starting her new career a few days after that. It will be about a year before she can afford to move out so she'll still be with us until then). We've tried many times to talk about it, but nothing ever gets solved. He feels that all she needs to do is move out and everything would be great again. But there's been alot of bridges burned  Help.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

This isn't meant to sound trite but I suggest family therapy. 

In a way, I kinda get where your husband is coming from but I admit it's not fair. You are stuck in the middle between two people whom you love dearly but your husband needs to put his own discomfort and resentment aside for your sake. If he wants to vent to you behind closed doors, then he should be able to. However, he needs to understand that you can not and will not abandon your child and grandchild right now. 

Let me ask this --- since she will be starting to work soon, would you two be able to subsidize part of her rent if she was to move out sooner than a year from now? Meaning, pay the utlities and help with child care for a period of time until she can do it on her own? How come it will take her a year before she can afford to live on her own? Does she have debt to pay down? Even though it may be a financial strain on you and your husband it might be worth it in the long run to keep the family and marriage in tact. 

I feel for you, I really do. I don't envy your precarious position at all.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> It will be about a year before she can afford to move out so she'll still be with us until then). We've tried many times to talk about it, but nothing ever gets solved.


Until she moves, this is who you will have to deal with. A cantankerous, loud and obnoxious husband. He's not going to be on board with helping her, so talking about it isn't going to get you anywhere. He doesn't want her there, no matter how nice you try to be, or how much sense it makes to you or your daughter.

Also, it seems this decision (her moving in) was made without MUTUAL consent. His opinion was vetoed or never solicited. Is this how it went? I understand she's your daughter, but it's HIS house too.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

Having to deal with other people's offspring can be grim. My stepchildren had to come to live with us suddenly due to illness of their mother. They were in their mid teens. I sucked it up because they were children and needed a secure home. I never made them feel unwelcome and tried not to complain to my husband about the situation but it put a huge strain on our marriage.

Frankly, if they and their babies now tried to come to live with us I would not tolerate it and if my husband insisted then there would be a divorce.

However in your case what's done is done and they are now under your roof. You need to make it clear to your husband that however much he resents it, his obnoxious behaviour is just making it worse. Tell him that he is burning bridges - he may not know. If the end is in sight now then asking him to behave in a civil fashion for one more year ought to be something he can go along with.


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## Lore (Nov 1, 2013)

A Bit Much.....her moving in was a mutual decision, but we didn't anticipate the things that occurred after that. He has trouble dealing with the unexpected. And yes, he has become a cantakerous, loud and obnoxious husband...sometimes. Other times he's awesome. But the sometimes is happening more and more as he becomes less and less patient with anything that doesn't fit his picture of how things should be. 

Climbing...Yes, I would think since it will be only another year (or less), he would see the light at the end of the tunnel. But it doesn't seem like it yet.

Irish...we are hoping it will be less than a year, but we are not able to help financially with what she needs. We barely make it now because we buy their food, etc. She doesn't really have debt to pay down, but it is very expensive where we live and she has to be able to save up enough to get along when she moves as well as having deposit money, etc.

It just hurts so much when he's so hateful.....


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Buyer's remorse. Yeah, it sounded like a great idea, but in reality he's not happy with the scenario at all. He may have never really been on board, but to appease you he gave in. What's happening is he's throwing a temper tantrum over it. He's upset it's not turning out like he thought, or how you may have sold it to him.

Ride the waves. It's all you can do. She's there, and not able to move for 12 months at least. If you've talked to him about his behavior, that's really all that is in your control. He won't kick her out and neither will you. Time to get some thick skin dear.


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## Lore (Nov 1, 2013)

My skin has been worn so thin it's all I can do to keep from coming out of it every time he pulls this crap. 

Irish....I have considered family therapy many times but I am too afraid of what could happen if it becomes nuclear. Not sure I could live with either of them then! LOL


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Is your daughter gratefull that you and your husband have graciously decided to help her and her baby?
does she activly tell you how gratfull she is throught comunication and by her actions?

before you let her move back how was your relationship? d o your appreicate the scraficies your husband has made for your daughter and do you tell him and show him?

sounds like he feels under apreicated and was looking foward to being with his wife and instead he now has this strife and stress of unexpected responcibilities to deal with.

when he acts loud and obnoxious pull him aside and say. I know this isn't what you had in mind but I really apreciat your understanding and there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Let me ask you what if things don't go as planned with her training and job prospects. do you have a plan B or are you just going to enable her or let her rely on your generosity forever?What will happen if she relapses into drug use again?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I think it's good that the living arrangements aren't so peachy for your daughter. She made this bed and now she must lie in it. The worse it is the more motivated she will be to LEAVE.

I think your husband is a SAINT for even allowing her to live there. I don't think I'd be so nice.

I don't see a way out for you. Suck it up and mark days off on the calendar.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

You both need to talk more. Alone, and calmly about how you are both want the same things - getting her up on her feet and moved out onto her own.

Sounds to me like he is being a bit of a jerk simply to feel like his voice is being heard and to express his frustration - albeit unhelpful and badly.

You too need to understand that blaming him for making this tough situation worse isnt helping.

If you can find a way to make sure you both understand you are on the sme team here and its not simply 'you and her' against 'him'.

Hopefully he will soften up, you will relax a bit and with the understanding that everyone wants to make this as easy as possible and, hopefully, as brief as possible. You are both stressing emotionally and financially and need to find a way to do more cooperation and less butting heads.

Your language suggests that you believe he should just stop resisting - maybe that isnt the best tact to take here.


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## Lore (Nov 1, 2013)

anotherguy....I kind of do feel he should stop resisting. It is what it is and it's not going to change for the immediate future. I just don't understand his point of view I guess, although I've tried and still trying. I suspect part of the reason he does it is to make sure my daughter doesn't forget he doesn't want her living there which I find an awful thing to do to someone that really needs help. Yes, I'm a big enabler, but I learned through her drug use what I need to do and what I absolutely should not do as painful as it is. And she is well aware of the consequences should she start using again. I think perhaps if he wasn't such a jerk about it and just talked about it with me and her it wouldn't be so bad. But like it said...it is what it is.....sigh....


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## Lore (Nov 1, 2013)

chilly....yes, she is extremely grateful for what we have done and continue to do for her. She expresses it frequently....to me. She and he don't really talk much simply because he's not very nice to her when they talk about anything beyond the weather. Our relationship was great before she moved in and my relationship with her has always been very close. I do tell my husband that I am appreciate what he is doing and he acknowledges it when I do. And yes, we have plans in place should "Plan A" fall apart.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Is your daughter 31 years old (married 15 years and she was 16 at the time)?

I had a sibling get pregnant when she was 17. She moved in with Mom and Dad. After 6 months, she decided to move out on her own. She found a baby sitter and worked two jobs.

The best thing for your daughter (and your marriage) is for her to have her own place, looking after herself. She shouldn't be living at home at 31!


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## Lore (Nov 1, 2013)

Sad...I agree that she shouldn't be living at home at 31. I truly do want her to get out and get her own life so my husband and I can have ours back. But until she can do that, I need to figure out a way to make it work.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Lore said:


> Sad...I agree that she shouldn't be living at home at 31. I truly do want her to get out and get her own life so my husband and I can have ours back. But until she can do that, *I need to figure out a way to make it work.*


Have you asked him how? He needs to cooperate. You shouldn't be figuring it out all on your own. You all want the same thing. He's the one acting out. Ask him how/what you and she can do to make it easier for him.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

"Yes, I'm a big enabler"

For my wife and I - the things that become the biggest bones of contention is when she feels very differently about the gravity of something than I do. You seem ok with writing the 'enabling' thing off and he may feel that it it less than OK to be that way.

He also has to understand that you are in a pretty tough spot yourself. Its not like you can kick your child to the curb - but then again she is an adult and your relationship with your husband is pretty important too.

I bet he feels like he is playing second fiddle and doesnt like it. You might feel the same way if the shoe was on the other foot.

---
Early on in our marriage there was some friction between my wife and my mother. No big surprise.. but it was always there. One time my mother said something fairly insulting and I let her have it there in front of both her and my wife that she could either keep her mouth shut if she had nothing but bad things to say of she could leave. There was some drama - but since that time - surprise surprise.. everyone seems to get along just fine. The little comments and _fear_ about who is on who's side and what is appropriate and what isnt just went away.

He knows you will take her side over his. Doesnt matter why.. it doesnt... and this isnt going to get better until she is out or that he sees some evidence that you are not such an enabler and actually on his side... a little bit.

Good luck. Its a crappy situation and you shouldnt need to choose - but then again neither should he.

You say 'if he would only talk about it with you and her'. I dont think your daughter should be part of the discussion between the 2 of you - no way. This is about you and him - right? If its not - it should be. Once she leaves - its only going to be the two of you again - if you both do not totally resent each other by then.

Go out to dinner. Start a conversation by saying this:

"You know I'm on your side, right?". Maybe not - not a question since that forces him into something that he isnt ready for especially if you are 'always defending her' he already feels you are NOT on his side. Maybe something like "I want the same things you do I think - to be happy together - to get her out on her own - and to make this work without totally destroyong our relationship."

If you cant say that honestly (and I am not sure you can, as I read your words) - then this is going to be more difficult than you expect. He knows how you feel. That you think he is an a$$ and you are 'sick of it' and that you need to defend your daughter against 'things that should not need defending.' 

How long has she been in the house again? Its pretty clear you cant simply keep this going for much longer - and you know what? Its not your husbands fault. Not yours either.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your husband must feel like he bought a pig in a poke - thought your thirty-something daughter just needed to move in for financial reasons and finds out she's an addict, pregnant and broke. After three (?) years of this, his nerves are probably shot. 

Another year? Why? So she can have a nice little bank cushion?


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## Lore (Nov 1, 2013)

anotherguy....we do want the same things and I thought I had told him so. Maybe not. Maybe I need to do it more often. I don't know anymore. This has really got me down. 

You all have given me alot to think about. I thank you. I almost didn't post, but now I'm glad I did so I can hear others thoughts on the matter.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Lore said:


> ....I kind of do feel he should stop resisting. It is what it is and it's not going to change for the immediate future...


So..he should just shutup and accept it? This toxic person who lied and stole from you and ...and is now sober for 2 years but also has a (surprise!) 18 month old baby and is a financial burden that you absolutely cant afford and .... oh boy.

Nightmare.

Let me ask you this: What do you mean by 'immediate future'?

How would you feel if he said: 'I've had it. We get our lives back and she leaves, or we get a divorce." Seems to me you would say "So be it." Am I wrong?

You are on the express route to relationship disaster unless you and him can come to some understanding between the 2 of you about what the goals are and what the expectations are. And it cant be "It is what it is."


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## Lore (Nov 1, 2013)

"immediate future" would be within the next 6 months or so. And no...you are not wrong. I could not ask her to leave if she has no income or no way to pay rent, child care, food, etc. If it was just her, it wouldn't be as difficult and I have done it before. But now that the baby is in the picture, I couldn't do it.


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## Lore (Nov 1, 2013)

When I said "I have done it b efore" it was while she was using and I had to kick her out. Most painful thing I have ever done.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Btw, where's the father of the grandchild in all of this? Shouldn't he be contributing for child support?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

Lore said:


> I could not ask her to leave if she has no income or no way to pay rent, child care, food, etc. If it was just her, it wouldn't be as difficult and I have done it before. But now that the baby is in the picture, *I couldn't do it*.


Why is that? I know it would hurt like hell, but when people are given an ultimatum it generally gives them *motivation*.

I recently had a child try and rebound for the second time. Both my wife and I said NO. It was tough and we lost some sleep over it. But, in less than a week the child had found a place to live. Hooked up with some friends.

People need to be taught to stand on their own two feet. Enabling weakens them...In time, your daughter would fully understand why you asked her to leave and stand on her own two feet.

And, this is killing your relationship with your husband. Do you really want to lose him over this?


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

_(daughter with an 18 month old makes this infinitely more difficult. The mother is barely able to get back to work at this point)_

I think whats most important is that Lore lets hubby know that there is an actual exit strategy here and that there is some evidence of some kind of movement towards it.

Lor needs to start having tactical conversations with her daughter about how to get the ball rolling towards independance, and hubby needs to hear it and try and not be a mean spirited jerk at the same time. I bet it gets easier once things start moving.

That conversation I mentioned earlier between you and him? That still needs to happen too.


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## Lore (Nov 1, 2013)

Thanks anotherguy. We will be having both conversations very soon.


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## tainted (Aug 16, 2013)

I can understand why your husband is angry. Your daughter has been living with you for the majority of your marriage, only clean for the last 2 years and now brought a baby into the picture. 
This isn't how any man pictures growing old with his wife to be. 

How does your daughter feel about your husband? 

How many times have you kicked her out? Why'd you take her back and where is her father and the baby's father in all this?


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

Questions:
Does daughter go to NA? How often? (Hopefully daily or 4 times a week at least).

Do you and your H go to Nar-Anon? (12-steps for folks who love addicts)

Where is child support and the dad in this?

Does daughter have child care, or are you all it? I bet she can qualify for subsidies for that if you're in the US and she contacts your state's rehabilitation commission. Check with the state's department of aging and disabilities. 

Is she in school FT? PT? Working PT and school PT?

Do you have written house rules?

Do you have a time line of the game plan for being out? In writing?

Family meetings weekly, with no room for accusations? That's for touching base, scheduling etc.

Your H is obviously resentful. However, he doesn't get to be a turd just because he's angry. If he is like this in other situations, it might be worth a neuro look-see for dementia. (I'm not kidding. My stepfather is being assessed for similar reasons, although his presents in a whinier way.)

I say this having been the newly sober daughter at 28, pregnant and freaked out. Without those definite boundaries, things would have been much worse. I bounced again after divorcing the guy I married early in sobriety, and stayed with my parents for 11 incredibly long months, that time with much more than one child. I had never learned to be self-supporting thanks to my mom's mental illness and huge enabling. ETA: I also stayed drunk and high for so many years I was unemployable, and had few life skills other than 'survival'.

If you don't get at least IC or Nar-Anon for you, you will keep enabling. No doubt. But it's not your job to 'get' him to stop. If he's regretful, so be it. He made a choice, unless you lied or manipulated to get daughter back in there. He needs to find anyone but you all to vent to.


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## Haru2013 (Oct 23, 2013)

Sounds to me like you LOVE your daughter and grandbaby more than your husband at least in your usage of language and description on your family life. The hardest part of second marriage is how to deal with grown children, particulary dealing grown child with drug/alcohol use.

It also appears to me that your husband has no children in your description. If he never had nor experience on child/children, then it must be a ton of load on him to deal with the situation he's been facing, i.e., the step daughter at age 31 along with a baby who cries early in the morning. 

In my opinion, ... try not being defensive and protective to your daughter but also express your utmost appreciation towards your husband, by doing things, because words might not mean too much to him. He wants comfortable and loving life with you. Sounds to me like your husband is very hard to adjust a brand new life arrangement having two additional, stepdaughter and stepbaby. You might need to work extra hard to make all of three happy.


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