# How do you turn off the hurt of rejection...



## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

I thought I could but I cant. Im in a very sad, lonely place right now. I have even opened up an anonymous account to find a male person to simply email with so I can feel some kind of connection. I feel so duped, like I made the biggest mistake of my life, that I cant get out of so I have to find outlets. WHat I can I do? I cant stop crying right now. My husband was making an attempt and then punished me again last night... and now wants to "make peace" again. Until what, the next time we have a disagrteement and he punishes me by withholding sex and affection and not contacting me or anything? I dont think I can handle a next time....


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

I now understand the phrase used in contested divorce that a spouse "has permanently destroyed happiness and well being..."


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## jgn2112fletch (Feb 5, 2010)

toolate said:


> I have even opened up an anonymous account to find a male person to simply email with so I can feel some kind of connection.


I did the same thing toolate...not to talk or anything but I opened up an eharomony account and did my personality profile just to see who I'd get matched to. I seriously feel your pain. I don't honestly know if it's right to begin seeking out others to connect to...like an emotional affair. Like I said, I'm kinda doing it. But on the flip side, I KNOW it isn't right (and obviously not healthy) for a spouse to willingly and consistently withhold the emotional/physical/sexual needs of the other. It's a form of abuse that's hard to explain and harder to make others understand. In the end, you must do that which you feel will keep your mental health stable. And it's not like you just lost interest in a good, attentive husband...you've reached out to him in every way you know how and he's guiltlessly rejected you. And that he is withholding sex from you is abusive, IMHO. My wife, as callous as she is toward my feelings, has never withheld sex as a means of overt punishment.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I don't think you can turn off the heart of rejection and if you Do manage to do this, you will be NUMB and the zest of life will be gone. Being able to deeply feel the pain of rejection & hurt is not all a bad thing, cause then you can also experience pure JOY, excitement & Love. 

Just getting through this, knowing where to turn and what to do while you feel all this pain is what needs figured out.

I would never judge anyone walking in your shoes, I truly feel for your situation. I have a woman friend who feels alot like you do right now. I just dont have all the answers, I cant imagine how difficult it must be when a spouse is SO callous & has no clue what they are doing, or KNOWS but does nothing about it. 

Would you say HE is in alot of pain as well ? Maybe different pain but Pain none the less? What frustrates him in his life, his job, his past? Anything.


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## Ted (Mar 2, 2009)

Too Late,

I have been reading your posts, and I feel the utmost sympathy towards you. It is unconscionable for him to with hold sex like that as some sort of punishment/power play.

But when you said that you, "have even opened up an anonymous account to find a male person to simply email with so I can feel some kind of connection," I couldn't help think that nothing good can come from that. 

I am not one to advise separation or divorce, but I think you should make any last effort and then end this relationship before looking elsewhere for the companionship that he is withholding from you.

If you are ready to deal with the consequences (because it could lead to the end of the relationship,) I would even suggest telling him you are so desperate that you are at the point of looking elsewhere. This could be the wake up call he needs to see how damaging he has been. I really hope for your sake he does and changes.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Wow, thanks all. Im going to respond in reverse order of the posts so I can scan them...

Ted: I told him already that I would need to find someone who will email with me because he flat out said he wont do it, and he told me to go find someone else. Im not going to cross any lines. Ironically, my husband has since been responding to my txts and emails and came up with code letters to put at the end of emails to let him know that I would like a response! I guess it is a wake up call. But, that being said, I still need a much more deep connection intellectually and he cant go that deep... I know this now. I would be ready for any outcome at this point, even the end of the marriage... if he wants to end it because I was taking care of my own emotional needs (again, I will not go physical), and its something he refuses to do, and I am a happier wife bc of it... that is his choice. To me its like Im seeking like minded friends, not affairs.

SimplyA: I think he has pain around intimacy but he wont talk about it. His ex-fiance left him a few months before the wedding for another man and he grew up with a very standoffish mom who does not hug her own children or husband. I can guess that there is some need that he had for conncetion when he was little that he had to adjust to... all babies love to be held and hugged and little children and grown children... their mom is supposed to be their emotional safe place and source of connection... Im sure there is unconcious pain with that. Mybe that's why he wouldnt let me break up with him (even temporarily)... when I needed more se xthan he was willing to give. Maybe he cant give it and cant have an emotional connection with sex. WOW, thats deep!

jgn: yep, same boat except the withholding... see I didnt know it was for punishment until a few months ago... he would just say he had a stomach ache or headache or whatever else... later he told me it was withholding bc of something I had done or hadnt done... liek put the laundry away by a certain time!

Star: yes, they are tantrums. I just have to learn how to deal.

niceguy: He deliberatly told me we werent having sex thatnight because of something that happened that afternoon and he even went as far to say... "I would have had sex tonight if this hadnt happend." It was bc I txtxed him telling him that I enjoyed last night and wanted him again... well he left that msg hanging in the breeze but responded to another txt sent an hour later about thanking him for going someplace with me that morning. He said he was trying to teach me a lesson not to expect answers to txts... so the conversating ensued about leaving me hanging on one and no the other... the bottom line is he doesnt want to engage in electronic flirting, period. If he had never done that with me I would think differently... but our entire first year was flirting via email and txt... and he just stopped... but continued (without my knowledge) to email with an ex girlfriend... so he was giving to her what he refused to give to me. SO no sex, because I had to ask him about this at all.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Aside from the pain that i know you're feeling (from personal experience) . Do you show him all this pain? If you are...don't. How should i put this...the most important thing in your life is you. Hence, if you notice he likes to play around and hurt your emotions if he sees you weak...don't show him that you're weak. Come here on the forums, share with us, we'll be there and understand. If you want to 'punish' him, best way to do that is to appear happy and detached. As in, whatever he does, you keep your chin up and tolerate it, eventually even flirt with him and be nice and complimentary. Why am i suggesting this? No person in their right mind will go through this without ending up feeling like a complete jerk and guilty. This is a variation to telling him 'you're a jerk' so that he can understand and feel it properly. By the way his life sounds, he took a lot of **** from lotsa women. So he might wanna hurt back without even realizing he's doing it. nevertheless he needs to be taught a lesson. That lesson is called respect. It means 'i do love you, i am attracted to you, and i want you to be my husband, but on my terms and if you behave'. 

If you're so sure you don't wanna leave etc....try this tactic...it may work. It's also close to what star suggested 'go upstairs and grab yours and have some fun by yourself while he's busy sulking downstairs'. 

Now about the rejection, don't take it personally. As in, know it happens because he's a jerk (maybe not on purpose) and not because there's something wrong with you. This will probably help.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

That is great advice. I dont really know how to do it. Im one of those heart on my sleeve types and it bites me in the end. I will talk to my therapist who also suggests a variation of this, and I can do it for a little but then I can only stand so much. I am of the thought process that if I have to act like that, then why should I even be here. I dont like playing games in relationships. My instinct is more to leave then play games... but since I dont want to leave (for my kids). I will try this.


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## Yoyo (Feb 21, 2010)

Hi toolate, I understand you. "withholding sex and affection and not contact", I call it "ignore violence"  my partner also do this after we have a bad disagreement or fight... I don't know anything about ur husband, but my partner is kind of guy who tend to take things seriously, stubborn, like to control things... 

I have already figure out how to deal with him, after he do this "ignore violence", I will go to have some fun by myself first, and then I can tease him with a fun mood (I'm a easy-to-forget and playful person), then he will be back to normal. And then, he will realize his fault of ignoring me and I will accept his "apology".

I believe everyone has some certain bad behaviors which just can not be changed easily, so learning to deal with them is more important. 

Hope my experience help you.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

He has a bizarre / sort of crazy list of things that make him flip out. And as soon as he is the smallest bit upset he punishes you sexually. 

Why do you stay with him? This guy has been like this with you for a long long time and he is not interested in changing. 




toolate said:


> Wow, thanks all. Im going to respond in reverse order of the posts so I can scan them...
> 
> Ted: I told him already that I would need to find someone who will email with me because he flat out said he wont do it, and he told me to go find someone else. Im not going to cross any lines. Ironically, my husband has since been responding to my txts and emails and came up with code letters to put at the end of emails to let him know that I would like a response! I guess it is a wake up call. But, that being said, I still need a much more deep connection intellectually and he cant go that deep... I know this now. I would be ready for any outcome at this point, even the end of the marriage... if he wants to end it because I was taking care of my own emotional needs (again, I will not go physical), and its something he refuses to do, and I am a happier wife bc of it... that is his choice. To me its like Im seeking like minded friends, not affairs.
> 
> ...


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You are with an abuser. His methods are insidious and obviously have been completely effective in deteriorating your self-esteem and self-worth.

You can choose not to live this way.


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## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

oh dear...i agree with deejo and mem. I have been, am still going through a similiar situation with my hubby. I learned early in the marriage to compartmentalize my hurt/pain over rejection. I learned that it was better to be happy/up-beat, because he treated me worse if I showed my pain over his actions/attitudes/words. Meanwhile the pain/anger of being emotionally abused by my "lover/best friend/husband" continued. 

Don't do that...don't "go numb" or bury the pain or ignore it. It will only build up over time and damage you as an individual. Find some support...it really helped me to talk to a professional, and really pinpoint what the problem was/is and how I could deal with it. I also just finished a really good book called "Boundaries in Marriage".

He is acting like a five-year old...throwing a tantrum in order to get his way. You are probably right...he doesn't know a different way because of past experiences and childhood...but it doesn't mean he can continue to treat you like this. He has to grow up and deal with his issues.

Now I finally left my husband over this, and I am still waiting (2 months later) for him to realize the truth of how he treated me. It might never happen, but you have to take care of yourself and treat yourself right. It is good that he is writing you e-mails...but let time tell if he is really changing of if this is just a ploy to make you "happy" again...so that he can go back to treating you that way again.


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