# how do you tell kids



## Nanook (Nov 21, 2009)

With their daddy working away from home, the kids have no idea. He is coming home in 4 days, and I have decided not to tell them until a little later. But how do you tell a 6 and a 4 year old their daddy does not love the mommy, and he has found someone else. 
We have agreed to be normal in front of the kids this time, but would like to tell them before the dad comes home next time. He has also agreed to not rush into introducing OW to kids.

Do you not tell the kids quite now about the OW, and let them absorb the fact mommy and daddy will just be friends now. 
What if they ask, Does daddy not love you anymore.

Do I say I do not love daddy, when I still do.
Help please?
How do I candy coat this without lying too much.
Thanks


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Nanook,

I know this is tough. I had to tell my 7 year old son by myself that his mother and I wouldn't be together and would be divorced. Toughest thing I've ever done in my life to be sure.

Just try to focus on the kids. All I know is to tell them that you love them, he loves them and it has nothing to do with them. That they are not at fault and nothing they did caused this. Just that sometimes adults can no longer be married. That doesn't mean they are losing a mother or father, that things will just be different. 

Make sure they know they can talk to you about anything. Reassure them you will always be there for them even if you aren't with them 24/7.

That is all I know to do. I know I cried telling this to my 7 year old son. And I'm not ashamed that i did.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

I really feel for you , its got to be the hardest conversation you will ever have with them . 
Make sure they know that it is nothing they have done wrong that you do and will always love them that you will continue to always be there for them .
Be honest as you can if they ask if you love hime tell them yes because hes your daddy if they ask why just say that daddy is happier not living here but they will still see him when they want to .
Its so hard for the children not to become hurt by divorce , i think that it can be made easier by being kind to each other and not to bad mouth him in front of them x good luck x


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## Nanook (Nov 21, 2009)

Thanks, Is it wrong to wait for next year. we have just moved to another continent, Their Granny died, my mom, before they got to see her, My daughter is starting school next year January. So there has been alot of change in their lives. Do you think they can handle the news now.
Why I am asking, my husband is home in 4 days, staying here in spare room, will just say he snores. But he leaves again just before xmas, not his fault, his kind of work.
So I am in dilema, do we tell them together this year before xmas, or is it best to wait till next year, and I will tell them on my own, and give my daughter the chance to settle in to school etc.
Thanks


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Can I just say - it's not one conversation? Bit by bit you will find yourself having difficult talks with them - it's sad - but just approach it with the love with which you would tell them anything difficult...good luck and I feel for you - 
keep it simple = they are young.


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## forwardtherapy (Nov 25, 2009)

knortoh said:


> Can I just say - it's not one conversation? Bit by bit you will find yourself having difficult talks with them - it's sad - but just approach it with the love with which you would tell them anything difficult...good luck and I feel for you -
> keep it simple = they are young.


I agree with this poster. Children are young but they are not stupid. They sense what is going on sometimes before being 'told'. Understanding evolves through conversations over time. And whatever you say to them needs to be age appropriate. There is a certain level of information that will satisfy their understanding and it can still be the truth, but simplified.

You could also keep in mind that they do not necessarily have the same interpretation of the world that you do, as they have not been as shaped by social conventions. Some children for example, may not see love as exclusive to a partnership.


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## Nanook (Nov 21, 2009)

2 days ago my daughter said, "mom when are you and daddy going to get married again" My heart sunk, and I started playing goofy games with them, she asked that because me and her dad were going to renew our vows.
She loves Princesses etc, so was thinking of telling her in a fairy tale way. That daddy has found another Princess, which is fine, and you have to help me find my new Prince. and that we both still love the kids, daddy is still there whenever they need him, Just so it all sounds romantic to her, she loves stories of finding love etc, and always talk to me about her Prince.
As for telling my 4 1/2 year old boy, different, he is a mommies boy, so will do that in a different way, How? I do not know.
Thanks for the help.


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

Telling the kids is never an easy conversation. Let me ask a few questions . . .
**you mentioned you just moved - was it for work? closer to family? 
** will the kids meet this other woman in the near future? If not, I would stay away from telling them about the other woman at this stage.
** you mentioned your husband will be home soon & then gone again. When will he be back for the next visit?
** you mentioned you had planned to renew your vows - why the sudden change to divorce?

Once I hear some of your response to the above ?'s it would help me understand your situation a bit more. 
But with the move/new country, new school and many changes in your childrens lives right now, I would hold off telling them about another change ( your marital status) until they make some of the adjustment to their new lives. 
It sounds like your husband is gone quite a bit anyways & they don't see mommy & daddy together all that much anyways. 

As several have mentioned above, when it is time to explain to the kids definitely make it age appropriate. You may even want to consult with a therapist on how to approach or read some books for advice. 
But the key points as mentioned above are that you & your husband will love them no matter what, that this is not their fault, that you will be their parents forever, that is they ever have questions - you will be there for them, explain how their lives will stay the same to give them a sense of stability. 
If you can have the converstaion with your husband I think it would be good & that you both agree on the story before you begin. 

My husband & I just had a conversation with our 9 yr old to let her know that we will not be getting back together (we've been seperated for 1.5 yr now). Telling her intially about the seperation was more difficult, as i was much more emotional about the situation at the time. I don't envy you but know that you will do the best that you can to explain it to your kids & make them feel loved & safe regardless of the situation with thier dad & you. 

Good luck & hope you get settled into your new living arrangements.


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## Nanook (Nov 21, 2009)

answer to your questions
1) we moved because me and my husband decided it would be good for us, we wanted a change. With his job, we can live anywhere. I am south african, so moved here from the uk.
2)Yes they will meet the other woman, not exactly sure when, could be 3 months or 6 months. Do you think tell them later, closer to the time.
3)He is home in 4 days time
4) He wants this, he met someone else. 

No chance of reconcilliation.
Me and my ex, or husband, not sure what to call him now, thought it might be a good time to tell them when he is home now, the reason for that is. He might not be home for another 2 or 3 months, and I can not wait that long to tell them. We booked a camping trip, still going to take it in a weeks time, and thought then we would tell them, because then they can see that everything is fine, and when daddy comes home, he will still be their daddy.
I dont want their little minds to wonder for the next few months, on what it is going to be like. What do you think? Good idea or not?

I do not think he will want to tell them about OW, so might just leave that out. We have not decided on what to tell them, just that we should.


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## forwardtherapy (Nov 25, 2009)

Whose responsibility is it to tell the children? Yours? His? Both together?
It sounds like he is away for long periods. How does he respond to his responsibilities as a father? How can you invite him to take up more responsibility by being part of a shared approach to having a conversation with the children about the future?


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## Nanook (Nov 21, 2009)

He is home in 3 days time, And we plan on telling them together.
He is a great dad, will not fault him in that way at all.
We are actually planning on telling them on a camping trip that is planned together, so they can see nothing really changes, That when daddy is home, we will still be there for them. And to show them that everything is OK.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Nanook, tough one
I think and this is just my opinion that it should be you who tells your children, if your husband is not around a lot then maybe they will feel safer hearing it from you....I would keep it simple and not talk about the OW that situation can be brought in slowly if it is still a go things change quickly in situations like this......leave the door open for questions if they have them.....make them feel that it was nothing they had any part in and that things will be okay....
Be strong and be respectful when you speak of their father, he is important to them. You can feel what you want about him but not share with them......they are young and don't understand all the things that go wrong in a relationship and why should they have to deal with any adult issues when they don't have the tools to deal with them yet.......you don't sound bitter but I know sometimes it's easier to blame then accept.........good luck I to have to tell the kids but mine are adults and already know something is amiss..


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## Nanook (Nov 21, 2009)

I did actually say that to my husband, that I would prefer to tell them, but he must be present. because like you say they understand and feel more protected around me. Then if they have any questions, he is right there to answer them. and as soon as that horrible thing is done, we will go out and do a family thing together.
I dont want to say we dont love each other anymore, because what is their concept of love. 
I cant say that we find it easier not living together, because he already works away from home, alot of the year.
So in their life, nothing really changes. 
I definately do not want to say daddy has found another girlfriend, and that is why mommy and daddy will no longer be together. That would be the easiest, but not even going to go down that line.

So please any help, just need a direction to go in, what to tell them. I am lost. I have no idea how to explain this situation to them. beides all the we love you etc etc etc, I need a starting point.
Thanks


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## Hopeful_wife (Nov 6, 2009)

I would definitely stay away from the OW topic. You don't want the kids to be mad at dad because of issues that you two have between you. They're going to have enough to worry about than having to deal with a parent moving on so quickly. My husband and I just sat our son down before we separated and I told him that "Mommy and Daddy aren't being married the way that we're supposed to be and we can't live together anymore, but we still love you very much and you'll still see Daddy a lot." Reassure them that they didn't do anything wrong, and it's a problem between Mommy and Daddy.


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## Nanook (Nov 21, 2009)

I like that, that we are not going to be together anymore the way we are supposed to be. And that when daddy is home they will get to spend loads of time with daddy. Nothing changes for now.

I will leave the fact that they will stay just with daddy, and do things just with daddy, and that mommy will not always be doing things with them, I will get them ready for that just before he comes home the next time.
because this time he is home, we still will be doing alot together. 
Thanks


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

How have the kids adjusted to thier new home, new country, etc. You mentioned above there have been alot of changes & loss in their lives lately. 
I am alittle concerned that dropping another bombshell/change on them may be difficult. 
Because your husband is not there & won't be back for another 2-4 months, don't you think you can wait to tell the kids the next time he is home, just to give them more time to settle into their new environments. 
Even if you proceed with divorce proceeding, the kids wouldn't really need to know yet. If you say their lives won't really change that much & because your husband is gone so much anyways. I just think it might be better to wait if you can.
But you know your kids & your situation best - so I am sure you will make the right decision. 
Or you might have already had your camping trip & told them. In that case, I hope it went a best as could be expected.


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