# PTSD and Marriage



## heyitsruss (Sep 8, 2013)

I have recently joined this forum and been doing some reading. But now I am a ready to tell my story for some advice. 

I am a young man in my late 20's who have only been married to my younger wife for 3 years. I have a young son with my wife and she has a older daughter from a previous relationship. 

I am a former infantry soldier who served 2 combat tours of Iraq, my last tour didn't end so well and I received a purple heart medal. Along with that I also brought home PTSD. This is all before I met my wife. 

I have been dealing with my disorder on my own, was heavily into self medicating and one night stands before I met my wife. I was just trying to forget and getting myself lost in all the wrong things. Mostly drugs,alcohol and women.

My wife got pregnant after only 5 months in our relationship, my longest ever. So I did the right thing and got my act together and slowed down my life. 

But due to my PTSD, I am out of touch with my feelings and emotions most of the time. I rarely show them, in a war zone you learn to forget them but I am working on recovering them. It affects me in strange ways, I was built up to think I was superman so I know I can come off as a ****y arrogant ******* at times. Then other times I tend to just shut down and barely speak a word the whole day. My sense of humor is different, my wife says its sick, but when you joke around with guys in a warzone for a whole year you have to be creative and entertain yourselfs. 

Now back to marriage I'm not sure what is going on. We barely speak because I feel she judges everything I say and says I'm being mean when I joke around. She barely talks because she says I don't care, when I do I just prefer not care about anything and take everything with a grain of salt as part of my therapy. **** happens, its all about how you react. 
Another issue that disturbs me is her weight gain, I understand people gain wait. I'm 200lbs but in a great shape. But she has discovered Netflix and just sits on the couch literally all day watching TV eating snacks all day. Then when we are in a good place together and have a good day, at night she wants sex but I have to refuse because her weight gain has left her body not sexually attractive. I have tried to have sex with her but it is always unenjoyable and boring. I found that alcohol usually helps me to get thru it. 
She is very lazy at times and always seems to do the bate minimum. She does not work she is a stay at home mom and I don't mind that. But I just wish she would do more to which she says I order her around. Basically it all comes down to, if I don't cook I don't eat, have to do my own laundry or it will sit until she feels like it. 
I know she also holds a lot of hostility and regret towards me for an affair i had with one of her friends before we were married. She often tells me how she hates and how I ruined her life when she drinks. 
She doesn't respect my disorder when it is bad like depression wise and just tells me to be a man and suck it up.
I fear that I am only still in this relationship for our son. And the fact that I think I am too old (28) to do the whole dating thing again. 

So am I just an ******* or over thinking?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Are you seeking help for your PTSD? 

I have it from an abusive childhood and am fully aware the havoc it wreaks on every aspect of your life.


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## MissFroggie (Sep 3, 2013)

First 28 is not too old to do the whole dating things again ... but secondly I don't think you need to if you deal with this right. You have a son and he is important. He needs you and loves you so don't abandon him. It sounds like your wife is depressed and uninspired right now, the can be fixed. Please try your best not to fixate on her weight-gain, this will not help her lose it again 

You have clearly been through a f tonne of stuff and I know a little about dealing with PTSD as both me and my daughter (then only 10) have both been diagnosed with it. I DO NOT PRETEND TO KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE FOR YOU THOUGH! I know that the circumstances surrounding your diagnosis and mine are VERY different! It's difficult hon, but not impossible to get through and manage.

It sounds to me like you need some professional support, for yourself and also for your relationship. She has no idea what goes on in your head and relationship counseling might help her to understand. On the same note, she sounds depressed and it will help you see what she is dealing with. I think you can both work together to inspire and encourage each other and make each other stronger while working through tough things from the past.

The great news is that pretty much everything that is causing you pain is from the past. These can be fixed and your new start and bright future can fall together pretty quick. I also think you need to work together on healing from the past affair. Lots of couples move on and become stronger after there has been an affair - be patient with her, because you were the one who hurt her. Let her be upset and angry, work through each stage together. She needs to know you care - once she does it will drop into the past and stop mattering any more!

I do think you should seek personal counseling too though. You have had to deal with some intense situations and these have affected you and hurt you deeply. Again, these are past things that can be overcome. You can do that! You mentioned being built up to think you were superman - well here i am building you up to be superman - because you ARE superman to your wife and child!  You can heal and you can heal your relationship! Even superman had weakness - if you didn't have weaknesses and fear how would you ever be able to be brave? You can do this hon, don't give up because you, your wife and your son deserve to be a happy family! x


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## silentbob (Sep 8, 2013)

Seeking PTSD treatment would be important. Also, talking with her about what motivates her and her hopes and dreams might help. If she is depressed or feeling unfulfilled, that might explain the weight gain.

If she can find something outside of the home to do that is empowering, maybe that will help her feel better about herself, thereby helping her lose weight and making the situation better for both of you.

If you can, saving a marriage is usually preferable.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

My only suggestions are therapy for your PTSD and MC. Your W needs to explore why she's lost interest in her appearance and taking care of the home. The latter might involve some IC to motivate her, but hopefully a good MC would point her in the right direction.

Good luck.


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## heyitsruss (Sep 8, 2013)

I'm actually in my 4th year of therapy and have made great improvements with my anxiety lead a semi normal public life


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## betulanana (Jul 20, 2013)

I salute your service, Sir.
Do you still love her?
Did you talk to your wife about that problem? Did you tell her, you feel judged by her?
Did you tell her that you wished she would loose some weight? She might not know how you feel about it. Of course you need to be diplomatic. You also could suggest that you both work out together. She could loose some weight and it is an opportunity to bond.
How old is she by the way?

I have to be honest. I can understand why she is eating too much. I am married to a Vet and he can be very tight-lipped... and when he does not talk with me it makes me feel bad... and that makes me crave chocolate and ice-cream.
It is often like that: I want to talk with my husband, but he is taciturn. I get angry at him, but cannot tell him as that would not be fair because he did not do anything bad --> go to the fridge, get me some fudge.

You say she feels ordered around by you? How do you talk to her? May be she just is not used to the way you ask her to do something. Some people for example do not like it if you say "Do X", but are happy to do it when you say "Would you do X please?".

I wish you both the best.


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

I think this is a situation where both of you are unable, or feel that you are unable, to discuss things with each other.

There is probably a lot of judging both ways and resentment.. 

You are getting professional help, and I'm so happy you are feeling better. 
As for the house thing... you have to realize that for some women this isn't natural. I wasn't raised in a situation where I cooked etc. My mom stayed at home and I always wanted to get an education and work... 

She may feel like she is at home with a small child, worried about you.. possibly depressed about her own decisions.. and maybe not the type of woman that likes to cook (personally I love to bake)

I really wish men would understand that marriage is not 50/50. You have a job, she also has a job.. she watches your son, and does a few things. But being a mother doesn't stop at 40 hours, and most men don't appreciate that.
Just because a woman stays at home doesn't mean she is a personal servant.

So are you both giving and taking? Have you ever done her laundry if she had a rough day with your son or was sick?
Most women I know (inc me) are educated, work full-time and still do the bulk of cleaning, finances, laundry etc.. because their husbands work manual labor while the wife works in an office, so they assume she has it "easier".

Look at this from a distance and see what both of you are doing.. then decide together (without blame) on counselling, family goals etc...


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## heyitsruss (Sep 8, 2013)

Is it bad that I really have no expectations of her? I don't ask for a lot. I'm a very simple man, maybe too content at times. But that is part of my therapy or I just look at the bad side of things. 
Do I love her? That's a good question that I can't answer. I'm not sure, like I said before I learned to shut down all my emotions and feelings during my combat tours. And I forgot how to turn them on or even recognize or remember most of them. So how can I love when I do not know what love really is.
Therapy is helping but with PTSD I have learn it is all about baby steps.
I consider myself not a mean natured person. But yes I do tend to say "do" more than "can you" or "would you". 
Just old habits, being polite and courteous is all but forgotten with war etiquette.


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## heyitsruss (Sep 8, 2013)

*Re: Re: PTSD and Marriage*



betulanana said:


> I salute your service, Sir.
> Do you still love her?
> Did you talk to your wife about that problem? Did you tell her, you feel judged by her?
> Did you tell her that you wished she would loose some weight? She might not know how you feel about it. Of course you need to be diplomatic. You also could suggest that you both work out together. She could loose some weight and it is an opportunity to bond.
> ...


She is 22. And thanks to your husband for serving also.


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## betulanana (Jul 20, 2013)

heyitsruss said:


> Do I love her? That's a good question that I can't answer. I'm not sure, like I said before I learned to shut down all my emotions and feelings during my combat tours. And I forgot how to turn them on or even recognize or remember most of them. So how can I love when I do not know what love really is.


Not sure if I understand this. Do you have that emotion inside of you but do not know how to feel it or is there just nothing inside of you?



heyitsruss said:


> I consider myself not a mean natured person. But yes I do tend to say "do" more than "can you" or "would you".
> Just old habits, being polite and courteous is all but forgotten with war etiquette.


You could try to break from that old habits. Instead of "giving oders" you could say "Darling, could you do X? It needs to be done because of Y"
Explain to her why it needs to be done. A lot of people react very positive to that.

You said she gives you a crappy reaction when you are depressive. Does she know you have depressive phases? Did you explain to her how it feels to you and that you wished to be more cheerful, but cannot snap out of it?
Does she know you are working on that?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

heyitsruss said:


> I have been dealing with my disorder on my own, was heavily into self medicating and one night stands before I met my wife. I was just trying to forget and getting myself lost in all the wrong things. Mostly drugs,alcohol and women.


Are you still self medicating with drugs and alcohol? Are you now on prescription drugs?

It sounds to me like you are struggling with the PTSD and are emotionally flat. Your wife is depressed. Neither of you can give the other what you need right now. 

Sometimes it works to fake it until you make it. That means to do the behaviors whether you feel the love behind them. And hopefully one day the love will find its' way though. 

Some books that would help both you and your wife are "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". It would help if the two of you read the books together and then did the work the books say to do.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

heyitsruss,

As one ex-serviceman to another if you need to chat please feel free to PM me.

Do not feel that you have to deal with your problems alone there are lots of groups (around the world) set up for and by service personnel that offer advice / help / a sympathetic ear.

I have found that the best therapy for me was to talk to other vets as although we all had different experiences / reactions / injuries we can at least empathize with each other.

One source of support available online is Military Minds who have an active forum with members from US, Britain and the Commonwealth and links to people in other areas. They do have a “shoutout” type page on Facebook and their own website.
Home

You do not say where you are but if you let me know (either on here or in a PM) I will do my best to put you in contact with a local group as something’s are best done face to face.

Best of luck buddy you are not alone.


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## krepspzns (Sep 9, 2013)

I know that the circumstances surrounding your diagnosis and mine are VERY different! It's difficult hon, but not impossible to get through and manage.


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