# Long but please help!!



## lonelywifey49 (Oct 23, 2017)

I have posted a few times so I am sorry if you have read this beginning part and it is redundant. I am 30 years old and have been married to my husband for 7 years, together for 12. This year, he decided he was unhappy and wanted space. Given this is our third time going through this, I listened carefully and told him to leave and I'll take care of everything with our house and dogs. He said he had no where to go and the tension in the house was increasing. So, considering his needs, I decided to move out and live with my dad. After 1 month my husband asked to meet up and said he wanted to get a divorce and I said Ok. He immediately called me and changed his mind and said he wanted to try again. We went out on a couple of dates (while I was still living away) and things seemed to be shaping up. Then one day we got into a fight because he told me to sleepover (my own house) and then decided he didn't want me there again. Of course I was upset but said OK whatever, we continued and had an amazing night and he again asked me to stay, so I did. But then he told me that I was controlling and anxious and he didn't want to be with me this is why things won't work. Anyway. The next few weeks revolved around him picking and choosing when to talk to me eventually leading to him saying he wants the divorce and he is not changing his mind. Of course I did the stupid thing and said I would fight for him and I saw he loved that but it pushed him away. Now he isn't the type to follow-through with what he says right away and I was not comfortable living at my dad's house for now 3 months, so I decided to move back home since his mind was clear until the process was over.

Well, a year ago we were in Disney having an amazing night and on Thanksgiving we never typically did much but cook and hang out together. I have been good at keeping my distance since I have been home and don't say much to him. We had sex twice because he kept initiating it, but recently he has been upset that I am not saying more than "OK" "sure" "no" "Thanks" to him. 
Fast forward to yesterday.... I woke up relaxed and continued my morning with coffee and snuggling with my doggies on the couch. When he came out of the spare bedroom (where he has slept for the past month) he was in his underwear and trying to be nice asking about whether or not he could cook and i said sure. I'll work around the time you need it because I won't need to put baked ziti at a given time. (I do make really good baked ziti) Of course he said well maybe I can have some and I said that was fine. He went out for a few hours and came home to sit and watch a classic movie that I was watching with me. (This has not happened since i have been home). I didn't talk much and stayed focused on the movie. All day he was trying to have sex but he has recently said some VERY nasty things to me and I was ultimately disgusted by him and really did not want to do anything with him. I politely declined. Later that night he helped me cook and then I went to the bedroom to watch tv. When I came out to get water I heard his phone continuously buzzing and he was passed out. So I looked at it. 3 text messages from a girl. Now we have ade it clear we were getting divorce and that was fine that he is involved with someone. However, this is the name of a girl that he moaned in his sleep quite a few months ago. I tried to get into his phone, but of course it was password protected and kept locking me out. Eventually it locked me out for 1 hour and I knew I was screwed. I came and sat by him on the couch and he woke up immediately. He was trying to kiss me and hold me and touch me so I calmly said "Who is __?" He started freaking out. "Why? What are you talking about?" and then went on a hunt for his phone. He would not tell me anything about this girl and then yelled at me. "What do you get about this. I don't want you. You inserted yourself back into my life by moving back home and this is exactly why I don't want you. You are controlling and anxious and always want your way. I gave you the bedroom when you came back and I didn't even get a thank you." I responded "This was all your choice." He yelled "You made the choice to come home" I said yes I did and it was not to get back with you, because I don't want to be with you either. He said had great times because that was me trying. I'm done trying I don't want you." I eventually said, "All you had to do was be honest. If there was another girl you could have said that rather than trying to blame ME for everything going wrong in the marriage." He said, "We have been having marriage problems for years. Stop trying to have some girl be a reason for me not wanting you." I am disgusted by him and told him that. Not a single tear was shed during this conversation. He is a stranger to me.

I didn't sleep and hate being blamed for everything. I have been more than accommodating and he is verbally abusing me. I told him then leave if he doesn't want to be here and he won't. I think my next steps are to call a realtor and lawyer. Any other thoughts?


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## GuacaColey (Sep 19, 2017)

Do you really not care, or are you pretending to not care to help you cope? 

If you really don't care this should be easy for you. 

Do you guys have kids? 
Do you think you could agree on dividing up the assets? 
Who owns the house? 

Yes, contact a lawyer ASAP.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

It sounds like you do care, by questioning him about it. If you are done with him then you really have no reason to question what he is doing as he doesn't you. 

You really need to stop having sex with him this will be confusing to both of you, you need to tell him that you will no longer behaving sex with him, and for him to not even try.

Are you trying to sell your house, so that you each can move on or do you rent?


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

..


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## FUTRISBRITE (Nov 6, 2017)

I understand your desire to get more information and clarification regarding your marriage, where it is, where it has been, and where it is going. Knowing that another woman has been a part in its demise, should help you to see things more clearly than before you had knowledge of the affair. I have done this myself, and while some may interpret that as still caring for them, I know that it provides me with the information that I need to leave the relationship without any doubts, and an amazing new clarity and perspective. I suspect you are doing the same. Yes, they ARE a stranger at this point, and yes, it is far easier for them to blame you than to take responsibility for their own faults and actions. I also empathize with their refusal to leave the home- ugh!


That said, I had already spoken with both a lawyer and a realtor, and initiated the divorce process. Definitely speak with both, and do this ASAP. Hang in there!


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Now's the time to start protecting yourself.

Not gonna lie. He seemed awfully manipulative in the beginning of your post, where he asked you for a divorce and immediately changed his mind when you instantly agreed. Almost like he was trying to make you beg for him back? 

Then it worked the second time, when you told him you'd fight for him. That might've been what he wanted; two women competing for him. And of course when you caught him, he verbally abuses you and constantly tells you he "doesn't want you." Almost as if he's trying to break you and make you do the pick-me dance. But apparently that isn't working.

You need to see a lawyer. Figure out your rights. And don't have sex with him.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Wife,

Do you have hobbies?

What are your interests separate from him?

Do you have a specialty?

What about you?


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