# Wife cheated and is now pregnant



## EraveXK (Jan 4, 2012)

I am having such a hard time trying to figure out what to do.

My wife cheated on me the first time before we were married. We were living together and went out to the bar. It turned out that one of our friends new the owner and after the bar closed we were allowed to stay. Well I went out for a smoke and got locked out. She spent the night with one of the bartenders while I freaked and called the police. Of course we were wasted. Any way she tells me she did not have sex with him. I suppose I do believe that. This was in 2004 or so.

So there was no infidelity again until Oct 2010. On our anniversary she went out with a friend and did not return until the next morning. She told me that she stayed at her brothers. Recently she said yes stuff happened that night but no sex. We seperated for about a month and in that time she started sleeping with him. It ended and we got back together with the intention of working it out. I moved back in then we moved to a larger city and things just did not change. 

She ended up leaving in mid June of 2011. At the end of June our (her) nephew drowned and this was very difficulty on both of us. He came to me for advice and I would help him through difficult times. We were very close. My wife and I decided that everything that we had issues with was worth working out and she said "the little things don't matter any more. So again we decided to work on our marriage. I was living about 2 hours away and I moved back within the week. 3 days later She was at her friends and refused to come home. I went over there and confronted her. She told me she wasn't sure if she wanted me living there anymore. I told her that she had made her decision and I left. Since then she has slept with 3 different people and is now pregnant by one of them. 

Over the last 3 months she has been telling me that she wants me back and she made horrible mistakes. This last guy she was with she had been seeing up until 2 weeks ago. How serious could she be about me if she is telling me she misses me and wants me back but still be pursuing this other guy? WTH? I told her I didn't know if I wanted to be with her and I needed to continue to think about it. So was it ok for her to sleep around because I didn't say yes right away? Shouldn't she have been trying to get me back or at least not see someone else? Anyway.

In the mean time I have missed her and have wanted her back. I am so much more unhappy than I ever was with with her before. I want to be there for her because I still love her. I believe I can accept the infidelity and this new child but I have the trust issue still. She has told me that she is sorry and that she loves me and this will not happen again. Of course I believe her because I want to. I need some perspective. The past is the past but what if this happens again? Should I even be thinking about going back to her? 

I should mention that we have a 6 year old son together and I also miss him. I know he needs me and I need him.


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## Yardman (Sep 10, 2011)

No, don't think about getting back with her. Get ahold of a lawyer asap. Run a paternity check on your son too.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

You'd be completely insane to go back with her.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

First, your fiance has sex with another man while you're locked outside banging on the door. Then, she has sex with another man on your anniversary. Then, she has sex with three other men (that you know about), gets pregnant, the baby's daddy doesn't want her, so you're the backup plan. And you're wondering if you can trust her after (at least) 5 physical affairs?

Is this a trick question? It seems that you have a deep desire to be cuckolded. If so, that's your business. Men and women do some messed up stuff behind closed doors. But you have a son. Please don't train him to be a future cuckold. Please have enough respect for him so that, in 20 or 30 years, if his fiance locks him out of a bar so that she can bang the bartender in peace, he doesn't waste any time knocking on the door. Please give him an example so that, if that happens, he walks away and deletes her number.

If you want your son, get a lawyer and sue for custody. It shouldn't take much legal maneuvering to portray your wife as an unstable slvt who isn't fit to be the sole parent of your child.

Good luck.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

You also need to lawyer up and divorce her ASAP. In many states any child born while you're stll married to her is considered a child of the marriage, regardless if you're the biological father or not. Do you want to be stuck paying child support for the next 18 years for another man's kid?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Man, she screwed the bad boys, got knocked up and comes running back to you - most likely the only MAN she knows. Clearly the OM dumped her when pregnancy revealed. She comes back to you to be taken care of during the pregnancy and to be the baby daddy.

God, if it wasn't for her being pregnant she still would be out their getting notches on her bed post.

RUN, ASAP to a lawyer......she is nothing but pain and will eventually betray you again while you stay home and baby sit an other mans baby.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Missed that you have a bio (are you sure?); if you care for him get custody or as much visitation time ad you can.

SIMPLY - MAN THE F*%K UP!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EraveXK (Jan 4, 2012)

Just to add this. I The last 3 guys were when we were technically seperated and she said she didn't think I would take her back. Not trying to justify anything. I do still consider it cheating but I guess I look at it as these are more forgivable.


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## EraveXK (Jan 4, 2012)

And I am 100% sure my son is mine.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

She didn't think you would take her back when you were separated but she has it in her head that you will (hope) now she is pregnant from one of her f#%k buddies - God she is a piece of work.....I hope you are documenting all this - can help when you go for custody.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EraveXK (Jan 4, 2012)

All I want is my family back. But I want it back with communication. Our biggest problem was always not talking. And I have to say we have done a lot of that and soul searching in the last 2 weeks. Maybe I am just looking for someone to say it's ok and everything will be fine. Maybe I should just give up.


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## EraveXK (Jan 4, 2012)

Marriage used to be sacred, now it's just a convenience.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Look, in my opinion your wife has shown you her true colors, communication - do you want hereto tell you every time she cheats on you....you can find a women who respects you, mutual respect and respect if you vows is necissary for a family - not sure if you ever had a family with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

No offense but it seems that your wife doesn't waste any time in sleeping with other men if there is a separation. She seems to easily forget that she is still a married woman. Her boundaries are non-existent and other men know this. They know she can be seduced much more easily than other women.

The child may be yours but it could have been another man's child considering how easily she gave her body away to 3 other men in a 3 month period. What then huh?

And because of her promiscuous behavior, your wife is also a potential STD carrier. Some STD can mark you for life and negatively impact your ability to find a quality woman to share your life with.

Your wife needs to acknowledge that she has issues that need to be addressed and resolved before she is ready to be in a committed relationship like marriage.

And you also need to seek professional counseling because you have low self-respect issues that need to be resolved. An emotionally healthier man would not allow himself to be in the situation you are in.

You're a grown man. You should know the difference between right and wrong. I hope you choose wisely otherwise you are going to be in for a world of pain.


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## EraveXK (Jan 4, 2012)

I am a man and I do know the difference between right and wrong. That is why I never cheated on her in our marriage or outside of it. Since the day I met her I have been faithful. Yes I do have low self esteem but look at what I have gone through. I haven't mentioned yet that I was married before too and have a child with her as well. My first wife also cheated on me and that is why it ended with her. After my first marriage I regretted not trying harder and that is one of the main reasons I am still hopeful of reconciliation with my current spouse.


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## EraveXK (Jan 4, 2012)

I also never cheated on my first wife.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

EraveXK said:


> All I want is my family back. But I want it back with communication. Our biggest problem was always not talking. And I have to say we have done a lot of that and soul searching in the last 2 weeks. Maybe I am just looking for someone to say it's ok and everything will be fine. Maybe I should just give up.


It won't be. Your wife is a liar and cheat.

she cheated blatantly and showed neither any love or respect for you.

now she's knocked up and looking to stick you with taking care of her while she pregnant with another man's kid. Then she'll be right back to cheating, because at her very core she's shown she's a serial cheat who can't remain true to her family, her marriage, or her husband.

Run away and divorce her now. You'd be a fool to accept anything less than your freedom.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

EraveXK said:


> I am a man and I do know the difference between right and wrong. That is why I never cheated on her in our marriage or outside of it. Since the day I met her I have been faithful. Yes I do have low self esteem but look at what I have gone through. I haven't mentioned yet that I was married before too and have a child with her as well. *My first wife also cheated on me and that is why it ended with her. After my first marriage I regretted not trying harder and that is one of the main reasons I am still hopeful of reconciliation with my current spouse*.


Since only a small percentage of women cheat on their husbands, it can be said that your low self-respect had a lot to do with you choosing to get involved with women who lacked character - that which we do when nobody else is watching - and broken moral compasses.

I'm willing to bet that if you were to do a little bit of self reflection regarding both women, you will see that there were huge red flags waving before you married them, that they were poor choices as far as wives. No one can fault you as far as not seeing these huge red flags before you married your first wife, but to not see your second wife to be huge read flags (i.e. staying the night with one of the bartenders)? For this reason alone I believe that you need serious professional counseling.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

michzz said:


> This statement does not jibe with the current data on cheating wives. They cheat at roughly the same rate as husbands.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





> In a recent survey of 16,000 university students in 53 countries, 20% of long term relationships began when one or both partners were involved with someone else.[5] Studies suggest around 30–40% of dating relationships and 18–20% of marriages are marked by at least one incident of sexual infidelity. Men are more likely than women to have a sexual affair, regardless of whether or not they are in a married or dating relationship.[2]
> 
> By contrast John Gottman with his 35 years of research into marriage,[6] is reported as saying, "Only 20 percent of divorces are caused by an affair.[7] Most marriages die with a whimper, as people turn away from one another, slowly growing apart." [8]
> 
> ...


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## EraveXK (Jan 4, 2012)

What's the current data on gay men cheating? 

I absolutely admit that I have issues, but I do know I am a good man and I do not try to hurt others. Perhaps my biggest flaw is that I am to nice and forgiving. Maybe I should become a jerk and not take others into consideration. Maybe I should become a man's man and control her and not let her be herself. Maybe I should stop thinking about my son and his welfare. Sorry not trying to be argumentative, but doesn't anyone think I should stick it out?

Right now if I divorce her I will feel like I gave up. I guess if I decide to be with her or not I have a lot of healing to do. And yes counselling needs to be involved either way. I have been beat down and ripped apart. My heart is crushed and it will take a long time to fix.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Ok, you get back together. Then break up with her for a week and sleep around. So technically are you cheating? 

She will cheat again. You haven't given her a reason not to. Why do you think your wives keep cheating on you? You have to respect yourself before you expect others to respect you. 

And being too nice is not a good quality to have. It is just a blanket you use to cover your insecurity. Develop your self esteem first. You will have wasted much more of your time if you take her back. Sort out your issues before you get back into any kind of relationship


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## EraveXK (Jan 4, 2012)

Yes, I would be cheating because we are still married, period. I respect the vows I took and would not be with someone else until our divorce was final. And that is also how the law looks at it. 

Adultery (also called philandery or cheating) is sexual infidelity to one's spouse, and is a form of extramarital sex. Even in cases of separation from one's spouse, an extramarital affair is still considered adultery. - My states definition


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

He's in survival/desperation mode. He'll need to suffer more pain before opening his eyes. She'll cheat again, leave again, then be on hook for the next 18 years paying child support for another mans kid. 

The denial is strong with this one.

OP, she must really be worth it if you can handle that she's banged multiple men and got pregnant by one of them. Its going to be a huge trigger raising an OC. You are nothing but the back up plan. Good luck with that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EraveXK (Jan 4, 2012)

Ok, ok, ok. Maybe you are right lordmayhem and the rest of you. I will take a step back and reassess. I probably am in desperation mode and in denial. With so many questions and what-ifs its probably a good idea to start over thinking about this whole thing.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Click the links in my signature. What you're feeling right now with the desperation and denial is not uncommon.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

EraveXK said:


> Our biggest problem was always not talking.


I disagree. Your biggest problem is her treating you like empty place.


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## EraveXK (Jan 4, 2012)

Wow. I sure wish I would have started by reading those links. It really give me some perspective into what I deserve from this. I think I have been feeling like I will need to walk on egg shells around her because I was also to blame for our marriages failures (Not the adultery, that was her fault). I felt like I shouldn't do anything against her so I could try to get her back. She cheated on me and I have been wronged. 

This doesn't solve my issues but it does help a lot. Thank you for all of your replies.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

It's time for you to change your life's plan and start thinking of yourself. I know you thought you were doing this by making everything about your cheating spouses, but look at how that has turned out for you.
I'd be contacting an attorney and get things rolling and would make this thread the very last time I would even think about how the failed relationship was somehow my fault.
Let her contact Dr. Phil if she wants somebody to tell her it isn't her fault. He hasn't had any gonads since he met his wife so he'll agree with her.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

It's awful to see someone being used like this.



EraveXK said:


> I absolutely admit that I have issues, but I do know I am a good man and I do not try to hurt others. Perhaps my biggest flaw is that I am to nice and forgiving.


The issue isn’t being too nice, it’s allowing people to take advantage of you and use you for their own selfish reasons. You become a doormat and nobody respects a doormat. Also forgiving too easily lets them get off the hook with no consequences, when people do something wrong they should suffer the repercussions and you have been allowing her to do whatever she wants and actually enabling her by being the safety net all along. You are just a backup plan in case her fun turns south.



> Maybe I should become a jerk and not take others into consideration.


 You can take others into consideration as long as you don’t sacrifice your dignity for it. You don’t have to be a jerk (even though you’d actually get a positive response from her if you did) to start taking care of yourself first before letting others use you. Just learn to say “No” sometimes; you weren’t put on this Earth to be other people’s servant.


> Maybe I should become a man's man and control her and not let her be herself.


 That’s not being a man, a man doesn’t control other people, a real man controls HIMSELF and has self respect. That's your real problem, you have no self respect. 


> Maybe I should stop thinking about my son and his welfare. Sorry not trying to be argumentative, but doesn't anyone think I should stick it out?


Staying with your cheating wife that has proved time and time again that she does not love you and wants you to support her is NOT looking out for your son’s welfare, you are just making excuses for yourself to stay with her.
I can’t imagine anyone knowing your situation thinking you should give her another chance. She is obviously only looking out for herself and WILL continue cheating as that is her character. 



> Right now if I divorce her I will feel like I gave up.


Gave up on what? Try to stay married to an adultery? Cheating is a valid reason to get an divorce. Not all marriages should be save and yours appears to fall in that category. 



> I guess if I decide to be with her or not I have a lot of healing to do.
> And yes counselling needs to be involved either way. I have been beat down and ripped apart. My heart is crushed and it will take a long time to fix.


Yes, and if you stay you will need to come to get use to being called cuckold since that’s most likely your future. 

I feel bad for you, you are letting your emotions dictate your actions and it’s going to lead you down the wrong path. You are in a very toxic relationship with your wife and it’s not going to get better. She got pregnant with another man’s child (one of many men she has been sleeping with while married to you) and expects you to raise it because the OM is too pathetic. You need to see your wife as she really is, not how you think she is. 

Ask yourself this, why are you not holding her to the same standards you hold yourself?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

And what would you tell your son if he came to you with what you've told us?

You can be a strong, confident man, without being a jerk or an a-hole. Man up!


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

EraveXK said:


> All I want is my family back. But I want it back with communication. Our biggest problem was always not talking. And I have to say we have done a lot of that and soul searching in the last 2 weeks. Maybe I am just looking for someone to say it's ok and everything will be fine. Maybe I should just give up.


Your wife just isn't a talker. But you're wrong to think that means she's not a communicator. I think your wife is very effective at communicating. You're just deficient at interpreting her communications. Your wife locked you out of a bar and screwed the bartender while you were outside calling to her and banging on the door. That is clear communication in my book.

Years later, your wife left you on your anniversary and screwed another man. That is also crystal clear communication to me.

Now, your wife has recently screwed (at least) three men and is asking you to raise another man's child. That communication cannot be misinterpreted.

Your wife doesn't value you. But it's worse than that. A wife can still be polite to a husband she doesn't value. She enjoys humiliating you. A woman only enjoys humiliating a man she despises. Any one of these events would have sent any self-respecting man running for the hills.

If your wife was just a serial cheat, I would say there's hope. But, seriously, how hard is it to sneak off for a rendezvous with another man? That's not your wife's MO. She announces her intentions. She leaves you outside the bar. I'm surprised she didn't crack a window so that you could hear her moans. She leaves you on your anniversary to screw another man. That's beyond just cold indifference. That's white hot hate for you that's burning in her loins.

Again, if being cuckolded is your thing, it's OK with me. It takes all kinds. But if you're coming on this board asking us if we think you should be this woman's cuckold, then the answer will be a resounding NO.


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## EraveXK (Jan 4, 2012)

Ask yourself this said:


> What a great post. You are so right about the above quote. To be honest this is the best thread ever. Not only do I feel so much better about making a confident decision but I also feel better about being alone. I feel more over her than I did at any time in our seperation. This has been a real eye opener.
> 
> ArmyofJuan- great summary and the quote absolutely sums it up.
> 
> ...


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## EraveXK (Jan 4, 2012)

"If your wife was just a serial cheat, I would say there's hope. But, seriously, how hard is it to sneak off for a rendezvous with another man? That's not your wife's MO. She announces her intentions. She leaves you outside the bar. I'm surprised she didn't crack a window so that you could hear her moans. She leaves you on your anniversary to screw another man. That's beyond just cold indifference. That's white hot hate for you that's burning in her loins."

That one burns. But likely true.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

EraveXK said:


> Maybe I should stop thinking about my son and his welfare.


The best thing you can do for your son is be a good example. The worst thing you can do for your son is be a bad example. If, 15 years from now, your son came to you and told you that his girlfriend locked him out of his apartment so she could have sex with another man, would you advise him to dump her, or talk it out? If you have divorced his mother, improved yourself, and have good relations with women, you'll be able to speak with authority on cutting your losses. If he knows that you're married to his mother, who regularly cheats on you, he'll think that's the natural state of relationships.



EraveXK said:


> Sorry not trying to be argumentative, but doesn't anyone think I should stick it out?


Nope.



EraveXK said:


> Right now if I divorce her I will feel like I gave up.


You're not giving up. You're making the best choice available to you. If a man starts shooting at you and you run away, are you giving up? Of course not. Only an idiot would stand there waiting to be killed.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

gotta love the part,where you said she was almost able to forgive herself. notice that you never became part of it? she has some serious mental problems,not limited to her being a out and out ho...erave, just run like your azz is on fire.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

EraveXK said:


> That one burns. But likely true.


Sorry to be blunt. Frequently, betrayed spouses need the proverbial 2x4 between the eyes to wake them up to reality. It seems clear from the outside that your marriage isn't salvageable.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Dude, she has no problems forgiving herself. Let it be the last thing on your mind.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Please see a lawyer as soon as possible. She is absolutely toxic to you. If the roles were reversed would she have been so accepting as you have been. You get locked out of the bar when you are engaged to her and are banging on the door....and she is banging the bartender? What is wrong with this picture? I don't care how wasted you are. She is engaged to you and she could not have just opened the door for you? She didn't because she wanted to screw this bartender while you waited outside and you still married her???
If you had done that to her do you think she would have married you?

She clearly has no problems immediately sleeping with other men while you are separated. I hate to be blunt but you judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volumes. She is selfish and it is all about her. She has no respect for you whatsoever. Good God man - if you do not respect yourself then who will? I wish you luck. See an attorney and get tested for STD's.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

So lets say you take her back pregnant and all.

When a couple are having a child it is a special time of bonding. You know that the product of your love is growing inside her and soon you will be able to hold that beautiful baby in your arms. When she gets morning sickness you will help her and sympathize. When her back aches you rub it. When her feet ache you massage them. When you make love it is awkward but you work with it because you love each other and this is a special time in your relationship.

Now in your case. You will watch her swell for 9 months with the product of another man's love. When she is throwing up you will get nauseous as well. She will complain of aching feet and a sore back but you won't care. You won't bother having sex because not only is it too awkward but getting around her belly large with another man's child just won't be worth the trouble. When she has the child everyone will pat you on the back and congratulate you while you will feel sick inside.

Think on that for a few minutes and then decide if you want her back.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

File for divorce and wish her good luck. Then move on with your life.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Curious.......Why did she decide to keep the baby? Her morals don't allow abortion? But OK to cheat as long as you apologise after each time and promise to never do it again!!!:wtf:


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Bottom line:

Are you willing to raise another man's child? One that was conceived while she cheated and had no regard for you.

Are you willing to work it out with someone who says "I'm starting to forgive myself"....are you kidding me, it needs to be about you and the destruction she has caused in your marriage...selfish

Are you willing to wait it out and see if she cheats again? you know in your heart that once she has that baby, she'll be out cheating again, and guess what? you'll be home with that baby who she conceived with another man. Talk about life long triggers.

Are you willing to accept the fact that doing laundry is more important than discussing your marriage?

Think real hard......is it worth it?


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

OP, this is way up there with the worst examples of betrayal and meanness I have ever seen on this board, and that's after reading through a LOT of stories. 

One guy's wife banged multiple men while on vacation, and then got forgiven, and then did it again on the next trip. Another guy (lostCPA I think) had a wife who had their next door neighbor come over for f*cks in the basement while the husband was doped up on sleep medication in their bedroom. 

But this one is at least as bad as those. I mean, locked out of a bar? Screwing someone ON YOUR ANNIVERSARY?? Are you serious? How did you not just kick her to the curb right then and there? And then later, f*cks at least THREE more guys, and gets PREGNANT? 

Frankly, I would feel WORSE letting myself forgive my wife in this case. I would be humiliated for the rest of my life living with that. But if you dump her, you can get your pride back and move on with your life. The pain will at least subside somewhat. Your wife has been absolutely evil to you. 

How on earth can you even consider taking her back?


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