# is this "picky"?



## michelle38 (Jul 11, 2012)

People always talk about communication. 
But what do you do if your spouse always treats your "communication" as a complaint, "being picky"?.....
I am the one continuing my HD/LD mismatch with my husband. He is not that "LD", just I am sooooo HD now, using someone else's quote (I think it was Simply Amorous), I have to struggle to keep my dignity everyday. 
I am also the one whose h is going thru a stupid tax audit. Just paperwork hassle and stress and I understand and really do not bug my h all day. 
So I bite my lips (and keep myself occupied, I have a job and kids) most of the time, sometimes I help myself (I plan to go do that now), then finally when it's bedtime I carefully invite h to come to bed. I don't even try to hint anything. Don't want to give pressure. But it gets hard because I am at someone's mercy, and I need time to warm up. If he's not interested, then fine. But I hope he gets a little interested, so I wash my hair extra times, dress nicely, blah, but, if I get my hopes too high, I will get frustrated. 
Last night I told him his complete withdrawal at times of stress is not necessary and hard for me to deal with. We talked for a while and I got in bed. He started touching me and I was feeling really good, when he told me "put it in". (this is another problem, I really would like him sometimes to just do that without telling me. I feel more desired that way). I whispered to him "slow down a bit". He turned the the other way and said "let's go to sleep". Basically he is accusing me of "being too picky". In the past he had done this often (when I told him to please be gentle with my hair, my you-know-what, my breasts), saying I made him lose his erection, blah. 
I told him I just wanted a little slowness, but his words and action made me immediately sad inside, and the subsequent session was a lot less comfortable since I lost my lubrication. (These days I am so h^)*y I am usually soaking wet). 
Is telling your h "slow down a bit" being picky? This morning when I tried to talk to him he said I complain too much. I said this was not a complain at all. I am just beginning to express some of my feelings and desires a little more. In my many years of marriage I had had sex with him when I was tired, not interested, I had given him bj with him simply yanking my head down. He is very brief and rough with foreplay and grabs. I am trying to very gently teach him but I never said anything bad about him. He does not pay attention when I tell him something feels good (touching my hair or back). I am just trying to improve things. Shutting up for the rest of my life does not seem the best strategy...


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

is that picky? No.

Is that selfish on his part? Immensely.

I mean he's going to get it, and all he's being asked to do is sit back and enjoy it more and at a slower pace and he's upset and calls that picky? I wish I could have my fiancee tell me to spend 45 minutes in bed with her rather than tell me to get on, let's go (though sometimes that's a turn on too).


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

Wow. Some guys don't realize how good they have it. I wish my wife was HD like the OP and then most of my posts here would be of a positive nature instead of the other way. I love when my wife tells me to 'slow down' during cunnilingus or to go faster during sex. It drives me nuts to hear her voice during these things. Especially that she is giving me 'commands,' or so to speak, even if she may not realize that I am taking it and enjoying it in that manner. 

One suggestion I may make to the OP is to use your hands and hold his head while he is going down on you and grind yourself on his tongue in the speed that works for you at that moment. My wife also does this and I love it. Im getting some movement now typing this just thinking about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

It doesn't sound picky to me. 
I like it when my wife gives instruction - it lets me know at least she wants the experience to go well (she's very LD). 
However, him accusing you of being "picky" or complaining to much might be from other issues outside the bedroom. Perhaps you have other issues outside of the bedroom that you remind him of "too much" and to him it comes across as complaining. In your mind you don't think anything of it, but to him its loud and often. 
One person's version of a gentle reminder but be someone else's nagging. 
I'm not saying this is happening in your situation, I'm just illustrating that there might be other issues here bleeding into the bedroom.
Or he's just stressed out or insensitive in general.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

Not picky. It sounds to me like he has a self-esteem issue and takes your guidance as a personal attack.

If my wife asks me to do something a certain way, I'm not offended in the least. If she's pleased I know she'll please.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Not picky. I think he's taking his work stress out on you. You're an easier target than those he's really upset with.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Expecting foreplay from a partner isn't being picky. I find that a ludicrous thing for your H to tell you, OP.


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## michelle38 (Jul 11, 2012)

phew...i went to do what I said would do, hope that's not TMI. :rofl:
I think my h is, in a way, intimidated by this HD of me that flourished this year. But I keep telling him it's the intimacy that counts, not STUDNESS. 
To clarify a bit, he was not going down on me. I am still learning to enjoy that, and I have definitely never orgasmed from that. Part of the reason is technique, part of the reason is I would be so worried the he would get "bored". 
I really wonder if some men are just _rough_, or some men have more "talent". This sounds so bad coming from me and I desire no one other than my h, but he is just fast, matter-of-fact, kind of like the way he is in daily lives. 
Still trying to work on this. Last night I initially put on a black corset. It had some hooks/snaps on the bottom and I was like "oh boy this is convenient", but I put it away thinking it would go to "waste". The reality pretty much confirmed my suspicion. He did not come to bed until so so late, once he came he immediately turned off the lights and we had a little argument, then my "picky" sex, but he would never even have noticed what I was wearing.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

michelle38 said:


> phew...i went to do what I said would do, hope that's not TMI. :rofl:


Have you ever offered to show him what you just did?  Maybe if he saw that's how you please yourself he'd understand.


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## michelle38 (Jul 11, 2012)

jaharthur said:


> Have you ever offered to show him what you just did?


Yes...but he still does it with too much pressure. I have gently held his hand and tried to guide him, I have used the microwave/crock pot analogy to tell him women heat up more slowly and big pressure is ok TOWARDS THE END. He cannot seem to grasp the idea. If I give him too much direction, he will get into this accusation mode. I often just give up.


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## Jimena (May 28, 2012)

It's your right to let your H know your needs, but I also understand how giving directions can kill the mood. The last thing someone wants to know when feeling intense emotions is that theiractions are somehow inadequate.
I usually give out pointers to H just after we finish. It's a much more relaxed environment, which makes it easier to give and recieve "critique"


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

michelle38 said:


> People always talk about communication.
> But what do you do if your spouse always treats your "communication" as a complaint, "being picky"?.


That's a good question. I felt the same way with my x wife. people always talk about communicating and telling your spouse what you want and feel. But my x came from a sensitive family and it didn't take much for her to take it as an insult or com plaint.
I couldn't just open up and let my feelings out. I had to be careful how i worded things and what i said, so that cut down on the communication.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

michelle38 said:


> ... I have gently held his hand and tried to guide him, I have used the microwave/crock pot analogy to tell him women heat up more slowly and big pressure is ok TOWARDS THE END. He cannot seem to grasp the idea...


OP, perhaps a bit of imagery will help him understand where you're coming from


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## glitchathon (Oct 22, 2009)

When my wife tells me she is not ready for me to put it in, i get even more aroused for some reason. Your husband seems like he needs to learn quite a bit about female sexuality. You seem to be an incredible person to learn from, so this is definitely his problem. Maybe you need to put your foot down and demand counseling. This is not fair to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

glich you make a good point. Wonder if it's in the choice of words. Slow down implies he's not that good. Tell him to slow down because you want to enjoy it longer would send a completely different message. That's what I tell my husband if he's ready before I am. I take control over the situation taking care to not bruise his ego in the process.


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