# informally separated but still talking



## dreading_this (Apr 12, 2011)

Been reading a lot of helpful posts. Wondering if I could get some thoughts. W left just over a month ago b/c of her not feeling happy and satisfied from our 8yr marriage. Said she's tried everything to improve us, but I was not hearing her in what she was trying to do. She emotionally shut down and gave up on us. Since she left I've been making myself better and becoming the man I wanted to be (just got lost doing it over the years). Learning a lot about what I did wrong or ways we lost connection w/ each other by misunderstanding or being passive. I've now come to understand a hell of a lot about why things happened the way they did. I understand her reasons better now, but unsure if she wants to do anything to fix us yet. Right now I'm 180'ing my way through life, but we met once & set up agreements for the time apart. One of them is to talk on a few weekdays in evening. Talks have been good, but she tells me she likes having an appointment to talk. That kills me that I'm an appointment now. I want to say something bout how it hurts, but don't want to risk her closing off the calls we do have. I know 180 says no frequent calls, but she texts me and asks 90% of the time. Just wondering what ya'll thought of it.


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## jeffsmith77 (Mar 19, 2011)

It seems like we're going through something similar (read my previous posts). How long has this been going on for?

My advice would be to keep busy, improve yourself, but only if it's for you. Making changes just for her means the changes may not stick, and I'm sure she wants you to change because you WANT to change. Let her know you care, but you're not entirely comfortable with feeling like an appointment. You shouldn't feel like you need to fit into her life's schedule, this should be mutual.

Try doing the no-contact thing for a while. Ask for some space. When she eventually calls, don't be so open with what you're doing. Give her hints, but make her want to find out more. Make her chase you a bit.


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## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

jeffsmith77 said:


> It seems like we're going through something similar (read my previous posts). How long has this been going on for?
> 
> My advice would be to keep busy, improve yourself, but only if it's for you. Making changes just for her means the changes may not stick, and I'm sure she wants you to change because you WANT to change. Let her know you care, but you're not entirely comfortable with feeling like an appointment. You shouldn't feel like you need to fit into her life's schedule, this should be mutual.
> 
> Try doing the no-contact thing for a while. Ask for some space. When she eventually calls, don't be so open with what you're doing. Give her hints, but make her want to find out more. Make her chase you a bit.


:lol:
This young Padawan learns quickly, he does. I tease Jeff mostly because like you I reached clarity rather quickly or at least semi clarity.

TO Op Jeff gives a lot of good advice there. Perhaps check out the mens clubhouse read up on fitness tests and manning up. Purusing the womens forum is also a good idea.

*edit the "appoitment" time might be a good idea actually. it depends on how it is being used. Wife and me are going through a D and we set up an "appoitment" to talk to each other on Saturday. We still have yet to settle on a time and time limit but this gives us both the chance to speak about whats going on without either of us bugging the other. The more she pushes divorce the more resistant I am the more I push talking about issues the more resistant she is. So instead of us constantly pushing back and forth all day every day we are scheduling a time for the activity.


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