# A Fork in the Road . . . Which One will Make All the Difference?



## Rainbird (Sep 13, 2010)

Hello -

This is my first post on this forum or any forum on this topic for that matter so, if you're reading this, thank you, and thank you even more if you have some advice to share.

My wife and I have been married for just over 10 years but have been a couple for nearly 15 years most of which we have lived quite contentedly. However, in the last 2 - 3 years there's no question that I have begun to change and I'm starting to have a difficult time envisioning us together in another 10 years.

One issue is that we have both lead fairly solitary lives, forsaking deep friendships outside the marriage for spending all of our time together and as the marriage as matured and the afterglow as diminished, I'm feeling more and more lonely and disconnected. While we still share some interests, I have other interests that she doesn't share and increasingly as I've gotten older no one else to share them with.

Another issue concerns children. We married when I was in my late twenties and my wife in her mid-twenties. At that time, neither of us could imagine that we'd ever want children and expressed as much to each other . . . a naive thing to do at that age as I have found out. I'm nearly 40 now and for the last several years have found myself wondering more and more about just how naive I was and beginning to regret not having a child. My wife remains steadfastly against having a child and I have all but given up since I have no desire to force her into a decision like this. Though admittedly, I still question whether having a child is the right thing for me but then again all my friends with kids say that if everyone waited to have children until they had absolutely no doubts, no one would have children!

The last major issue is a choice in lifestyle I suppose. I had made a bit of a bargain with myself I guess on the issue of being childless. I reckoned that if I wasn't to have children, I could afford to live a pretty remarkable live with the extra money . . . with an emphasis on exploring the world and traveling. My wife was always lukewarm on the idea of traveling overseas but I figured as she matured from her early twenties she'd warm up to it. She hasn't and it's actually reached a point where I am having to think about traveling alone or with strangers on some European tour . . . a thoroughly depressing thought. But again, this isn't something I want to pressure or guilt her into either since I'm sure we'd have a awful time if she was forced to come while I really want to enjoy these rare opportunities!

So, here I am, nearly 40 and having a increasingly difficult time conjuring up an image of what my life with my wife will look like in another 10 years . . . what will it be made up of? It can't go on as it is for the rest of our lives . . . but I care for her so very much and every time I think of us parting ways, I am consumed with guilt because it's me who has changed, not her, and I worry (which is condescending I know) about her being on her own, which she's never had to do.

Thanks for your time and any thoughts you care to share.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I know in a lot of ways how you feel, I'm in kind of a similar place. While I can't identify with all of it, I have to tell you--whether you stay with your wife or not, you're only doing yourself a disservice by blowing off the things that you're interested in just because you might have to venture off on your own to do it.

I promise, it won't hurt to reach out and connect with people that share your interests. Most of them don't bite, and well.....if they do, it's probably not an interest you should be doing without your spouse present anyway! 

With the internet especially, there are so many ways to connect with people with similar interests. Just as an example, my husband bought himself an old Porsche to restore and was posting on a message board like this one about where to find parts or some other car stuff, and through that he finds out about a bunch of guys that have Porsches that all meet at Village Inn for breakfast once a month and talk cars to their hearts content until they about stroke out from pancake syrup and coffee.

We've both been in a position where we've had to adjust our social groups. We aren't having children and most of our friends have had them in the last couple of years, which has left some holes in our social calendar, as it were. I love my friends and their kids, but desperately miss happy hour, you know? So we've had to find a lot of ways and places to meet people we might not have met before. He and I don't actually have very many interests in common, so most of it we do on our own--and neither of us has died from it at all.

But the whole kid thing--you've got to figure that one out...it's absolutely a dealbreaker no matter how wonderful someone is. As I put it to a friend of mine--if you have a child-shaped hole in your heart, that is the only thing that's going to fill it when it comes right down to it. All the dogs, hobbies, cars and trips in the world won't ever replace a child if that's what you really, really want. And it's not going to be fair to either of you to not be totally honest with yourselves on that. We all change and sometimes it means we outgrow people, but we have to live our own lives or there's not much point to being here, right? It's not really much of a favor to her to stay with her because you don't think she can manage on her own while you seethe more and more about what you could have had/seen/done if only...


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## claretfan (Sep 15, 2010)

I identify somewhat with you as I am also in a marriage where my wife and I have grown apart at least to a degree and also have no children (but in my case I have no doubts that that is the way I want it).

I also have much trouble seeing me being still married in 10 years.

For various reasons I find myself resenting my wife somewhat and I have been thinking about a divorce but I know she has grown to rely on me for so many things in the last 10 years that I don't know how she would survive without me.


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## candice912 (Sep 4, 2010)

Rainbird said:


> Hello -
> 
> This is my first post on this forum or any forum on this topic for that matter so, if you're reading this, thank you, and thank you even more if you have some advice to share.
> 
> ...


I have read this several times and have advised people to leave bad situations; the problem is I can't find anything bad in your marriage. It sounds like you are just having a midlife crisis. 

You are thinking of children? Do you realize you cannot divorce a child in 10 years if you lose interest. A marriage is hard work and you made a commitment. Go work on it and stop looking for the grass being greener on the other side. You can't just go exchange your wife like a used car. I think you need to sit down with your wife and talk to her about your needs and what you need to be happy. Maybe she would go to europe with you if you go do something she wants in exchange. Or else go find some travel buddies. I have traveled alone and had a great time; but please talk to your wife and make compromises. Give your wife a chance. I think you will regret giving up on your marriage without some efforts to save it first.


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## Rainbird (Sep 13, 2010)

I appreciate the responses and they have each given me some additional food for thought . . . and trust me, I have ventured down many twisted mental paths in an attempt to figure out how I feel, including the effects reaching midlife are having on me.

And in fairness to the respondent who somewhat ridiculed me for having a midlife crisis, you're right, there's nothing 'wrong' with my marriage and I would never made a rash, sudden decision to end it. I plan to begin talking with my wife again about where she is on the idea of us having a child. If anything, I suppose approaching 40 has brought that topic back to front and center for me. As I mentioned, over the last 3 - 5 years I have found myself wanting to have a child more and more and increasingly feeling that not having one is going to be a great regret in my life . . . in some ways it already is.

This is a difficult subject for my wife and I to discuss in which I believe she feels somewhat betrayed (since the decision to not have children seemed closed), angry with me, and intent on finding reasons why we would be bad parents when I'm convinced that wouldn't be so. It's easy to retreat back into the comfort of the daily routine to lick one's wounds after these types of painful discussions and let another year of relative peace and happiness slip past. And yes, no question, approaching 40 has heightened my thoughts and feelings on the subject of having a child . . . for me personally, I see the door closing on that decision within a fairly short time span as I am very conscious of wanting to do the right thing for a child if I were to have one including being there for them for as long as I possibly can before becoming a bit of a burden in my fading years.

As for the other topics, friends outside the marriage and traveling . . . those are lesser concerns but to me I see them as warning signs of a sort that my wife and I were perhaps naive in assuming that we (or perhaps any marriage though I'll only speak to my own) can thrive as an island. I have found that its put a lot of extra pressure on our relationship, trying to be everything (and one) to each other all the time. As much as each of us tries to play all the parts that others outside the relationship might help fill within our lives, we each only have so much mental and emotional bandwidth as well as a need for an amount of personal space. In response I think this has led each of us to not being really 'there' for one another always and thus led to some feelings of disconnectedness and isolation.

Thanks again for the responses . . . I have found that writing about my feelings has helped bring some amount of order to what otherwise has been a maelstrom of emotional turmoil.

Feel free to contribute any additional thoughts.


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## candice912 (Sep 4, 2010)

Rainbird,

I had no intention to ridicule you, not even somewhat. I am sorry if it made you feel like that, but at the same time, sometimes the truth hurts a little. We cannot grow without looking at all the angles. At least you can rest assured that everything I'm saying is an honest opinion.

We go through different stages as we age, each one a new challenge. At some point, we all come face to face with our own mortality and our personal legacy. I gave you some advice based on some personal experience. I did stop and put myself in your shoes as best I could with the info you gave. Being married myself, having some years on me as you do, I understand the desire to share with a child, and how one wonders if it is a regret or not, if they aren't missing out. I will tell you that I do like children, however never wanted one of my own and neither did my husband. Lately though, I have thought that maybe I might want one and I believe my husband would be an amazing father. The reality is that my husband is such a blessing in my life. I wouldn't trade him for all the gold in the world. If he changed his mind tomorrow and wanted a kid, I'd have to really do some soul searching and think what sort of compromises I might be willing to make. I put it to you this way, because what if your wife says, yes, lets try to have a baby and she can't get pregnant, or worse, can't carry to full term. I have a friend who have had heartbreaking decade, 6 miscarriages one right after the other. So you see, it's not always so simple as deciding on having a kid or not. Sometimes we forget the wonderful blessings we already have in this life, like a loving devoted spouse. Perhaps a child could be a second blessing, but not to the extent you forget your first blessing.

I think it's great that you are trying to sort out your feelings and talk to your wife about your feelings. I think from your own words that you two are overdue to reconnect. I hear your concerns about your wife feeling betrayed and I think you are right, she might. Try and remain patient with her and not get angry yourself. The reality is that you and your wife made a plan and agreement when you got married based on your feelings at that time. The reality is that nothing remains constant. A marriage is supposed to be for life, but we must stretch and grow together as a couple. To help you in your thoughts; how far are you willing to go? Would you adopt? Are you willing to do all the feedings, change all the diapers? What compromises would you make so that this might be less scary to your wife if you really decide to have a baby? As for her fears of being a bad parent. You could take parenting classes to solve that problem. Did she have a bad childhood? It is common for people who had a bad childhood to fear being a bad parent. All in all, it sounds like you have a good marriage, but have hit a challenge as all married couples do. It's worth it to get to the bottom of this. Every time my husband and I clear up an issue, I feel closer to him, stronger and renewed and more in love than ever. There is always couple's counseling, which I highly recommend, if you two have trouble compromising on your own this one. You can tell me that I'm wrong, but this is just a thought for you. I think there is something bigger here than a baby. Is it possible that you two have been so nice to each other, that you have avoided hurting each other's feelings to the point that you didn't discuss things, let them go, until there was a huge gorge between the two of you?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Please, do not talk your wife into having a child. She does not want one, and doing it to please you could be a disaster--and a child's life is not something to risk. If you really want a child, you will need to end the marriage and hope you can find a partner who wants to have a child with you. Even single men can adopt, so keep that option open. Also, be sure yourself--if you don't have a desire to PARENT, then having one b/c you fear regrets is a bad idea. Get some counseling to work out these things. You'll be glad you did. Good luck.


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## Rainbird (Sep 13, 2010)

Thanks again for the replies.

Candice you do make good points and raise some questions that I need to think more about and for that I thank you. I suppose I felt your comment about a midlife crisis came across as some what dismissive . . . in the vein of a "Oh lord, he's having a midlife crisis . . ." and that explains everything type of generalization. The truth is I have wrestled with the question of having a child for years and tried to reconcile my growing desire to have one with the - for lack of a better word - deal that my wife and I made in our twenties to not have children. I have tried to rationalize myself out of wanting to have a child for a very long time by insisting that I should be able to offer up some air tight philosophical justification for having a kid . . . does it work that way? Is this a question whose answer can be found in the head alone? I can come up countless logical reasons to not have a child (who couldn't in this screwed up world?) but I can't find a single word to explain why I have this knot in my throat and feel my eyes burning as I write about this . . . the same feeling I get when I see other couples with their child or my nephews with my brother. Where do I find these answers outside of myself? Should everyone who feels that they want a child seek counseling or am I somehow different? I have not nor would I ever try to guilt or force my wife into having a child with me and trust me, she wouldn't allow herself to be . . . if anything I've spent years trying to talk myself out of even feeling this way to begin with but you're, Candice, I'm getting older and I can't keep avoiding finding an answer to this question even it's just in my own heart and never to be.


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## Rainbird (Sep 13, 2010)

Nothing's changed in the last nearly nine months . . . and I can't believe I'm back here posting again . . . I've just been drifting through life for what feels like years.

I want to be a parent, I know that now . . . and I know that to have missed out on that experience will be a regret that shadows the rest of my life. I've watched my mother bury her parents in the last 16 months and I know that the day will come when I do the same for her . . . but no one will be there to mourn me. My wife and I attend the events of other's children where they glow with pride and love but I want my own experiences and memories not facsimiles of someone's else's life. I've been a fool and now I'm 40 years old and know that this door is closing. I spend years pissing away time with one distraction after the other, thinking it was cool to cast dispersion on others and their conventional lives with kids and minivans. Now I sneak back tears when my cousin's daughters give me a hug, wishing that they were mine.

I know my wife is still not going to want to have a child, in fact, probably less now than before since we have continued to drift apart but we can't go on like this for the rest of our lives. It's not fair to either of us . . . for ever snide comment she's made over the last few years about us having kids, the further I think I've withdrawn in ebbs and flows. We're ever more like old friends who have lived together for years, taking comfort in the familiarity of our routine and just letting time idle its way by . . . but I'm in a dark place now and I don't think I can stay here much longer. I've been avoiding having this talk for too long though I just can't imagine she doesn't know what I'm feeling . . . she knows me too well.

I'm not to proud to say that I'm honestly scared to death to have this talk . . . I'm depressed, crushed with guilt, and fearful of the unknown future for both of us but know we have to have this talk sometime soon.


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## Rainbird (Sep 13, 2010)

Well, I mustered up the courage to broach the issues two Sundays ago after nervously wandering around the house trying to work up the nerve for a couple hours . . . and, it went about as I guess I would have expected. I stayed calm though I was emotional as I tried to get the words to come out of my mouth and they hit her like a brick or so it seemed. Of course I was right, she still can't conceive of the idea of us having a child for many reasons . . . she doesn't want to be a parent, she doesn't think we'd necessarily been good parents, and I told her the last thing I wanted was for her to become a reluctant parent. She feels betrayed as I knew she would and no question I feel every bit the betrayer. I told her that this is something that's been eating away at me bit by bit over the last couple years despite all efforts to cross examine myself back into not wanting to be a parent again. She clearly felt guilty, feeling that she was holding me back, that our time together was a waste . . . that absolutely broke me . . . I could never think that all our years together were a waste, that she was . . . guilt crushed me into a frothy pulp of emotion. The next few days I felt better, as if a weight had been lifted somewhat but I feel it creeping back on pound by pound because that one talk didn't resolve anything and I know it. We're back to living day to day in oblivion.


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## waitwhat (Jun 12, 2011)

My heart goes out to you. I'm so proud of you. I'm awfully glad you are taking charge of your life now. In an emotionally vulnerable state, it is easy to lean on someone else if they happen along. 

It took my husband and I months and months of talking about separating before I got brave enough to do it. It sounds as if you and your wife are very close and it sounds like you are able to express yourself clearly. I am quite sure that as your talks progress, she will grow more calm and might begin to be a little interested in the opportunity to learn how to take care of herself. When my therapist asked me to write down what my life would look like in 10 years, I had little things down like knowing how to air up my own bike tires. 

Good luck to you...


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