# 20 year marriage on the rocks



## lofellve (Mar 27, 2015)

We live(d) an envied lifestyle with nice house, cars, 2 wonderfully successful kids 16 and 18, and outwardly have always shown that we care for each other. Inwardly too -- we are great friends and have tremendous respect for each other. My wife is an amazingly good person. No abuse, addictions, infidelity, anything ever even considered in our marriage.
Every few years we go through a rough patch where we annoy each other for a few weeks and then back to normal. Last year I traveled too much for my work and that created some extra distance. My wife fights depression sometimes and I spend a good deal of effort reassuring her that she is an awesome person doing an awesome job and I love her. She's described me as her rock which I am appreciative of.
In January she was seeming distant and I finally stopped traveling enough to push the topic and she basically said she felt nothing for me any longer. She was void of feelings for me and was just sticking around until the kids are out of high school. She didn't want to have sex anymore even though we have had sex of some sort around once a week for 20 years. 
She has never been fully satisfied with sex and I knew this about her. She mentioned twice in her past that she was abused by her adopted brother when she was 7-8. I thought this may have something to do with it but it was never really discussed. She had sex with only 1 other boyfriend before we got married and they had issues with intimacy also. We saw a marriage counselor for the first time ever in February. He agreed this may all stem from the child abuse and asked her to see a specialist for this. After talking with the specialist a few times she basically refused to do EMDR treatment. The marriage counselor said there are other things we can work on if she is not ready to address that and that it may not be the root problem. We've been seeing him now for 6 weeks and things are worse than ever. In 2 months we went from a seemingly normal and enviable marriage to she wont hug, wont talk, just goes through the motions. She says she doesn't love me now. I can't even talk to her about trying. I'm not sure what to do.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I'll ask the obvious question; is there any chance that she's had or is having an affair?


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

If this is bringing the trauma back to the surface you can expect some erratic behavior and a lot of withdrawl. 
Be as patient as you can...this doesnt go away easily.


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## kennethk (Feb 18, 2014)

Being the partner of a CSA survivor is hard especially when the memories begin to surface. Unfortunately one of the adult manifestations is a Push/Pull thing. As you get closer, she feels smothered and withdraws. Then she feels abandoned and pulls you closer, rinse and repeat. Its maddening for the partner.

Another manifestation is ... promiscuity - infidelity.

Sorry you are going through this. Its a very slippery slope.
Try this site... 
http://www.supportforpartners.org


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

Assuming she is working on her PTSD, your job is to be emotionally present and available. Offer emotional connection on a regular basis .. this can be as simple as a smile or sharing a thought. You want to avoid pandering and smothering until she finds the strength to reengage. IC for you can help you set some boundaries ... she doesn't have the right to treat you poorly. Kindest Regards-


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## lofellve (Mar 27, 2015)

There is no chance she is having an affair but that was the therapist's first question also. she simply has higher morals and I know that after being married to her for 20 years. She has never even told a lie -- its not her character. She is the closest I could imagine to a saint. So no. That said, she has aged better than me and probably wishes she married a better looking guy. I'm in pretty good shape but I went bald. So, maybe she daydreams about a passionate affair but she would never do it. 
I've seen the push/pull affect. Pretty constantly. If I give show affection and love she pulls back. If I give her the cold shoulder she brings me in. This has driven me crazy over the years. I didn't know that was a symptom of CSA. I've been reading recently about it and she shows several other symptoms. Obsessed with perfection on some things. problems with affection. Never an O and often has pain associated with sex. never confident in herself. depression, Anger or Happiness and seldom in-between or able to be talked away from anger, exercises obsessively, frustration over not being able to remember details of the abuse. I'm readying Allies in Healing and it's scary. Doesn't help that I look like her abuser and the Therapist thought initially that may be a major issue. 
But, the therapist says he's ok with not going after the CSA therepy as that may not be the biggest issue and its not something she is willing to address right now.


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## kennethk (Feb 18, 2014)

As you have realized, CSA is a *****.
Many partners just give up.
I disagree with your MC. CSA is THE reason for most of your problem and just cause she is morally upright, it doesn't mean she is not cheating. 
Unfortunately it is a distinct possibility and you need to do some snooping as to the remote possibility and also to gain some insight as to what she is searching online for. It may help you understand her better.


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## lofellve (Mar 27, 2015)

She's not wanting to persue treatment for the csa/ptsd. She met with an abuse speciallist and that didn't go well. I was not there and my wife wouldn't open up. She met with another who specializes in EMDR and that didn't go well. She thinks its BS and doesn't want to talk to someone she doesn't know about all that stuff. So we are back to just the marriage counselor now.


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## kennethk (Feb 18, 2014)

Yupo I hear ya. They wont talk about until they are ready.
The most important thing they need to hear is that it wasn't their fault.
Mine has been trying so hard for years to prove she's a good person, to protect her brother, to help her dada through thick and thin when she gets nothing in return.

You can try and get her to open up but it WILL be on HER time table.


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