# My Husband's Drinking



## adrinkerswife (Apr 2, 2013)

Hi All...

I have been married to my husband for 20 years and we have been together for 30. We are both in our late 40s and we have 3 great kids...and a pretty wonderful life (for the most part -- more to come). My husband’s a partner in a very successful business which has allowed me to stay home with the kids for the past 14 years. He loves me and is a great dad. Our kids love him. He’s very active in their lives. Plays golf with our daughter…..gets up early on the weekends and takes our sons to the gym and plays basketball with them almost every weekend (he’s still in very good shape and looks younger than he is)… We are really living a dream life to everyone that looks at us. We are financially secure and our house, kids college and lifestyle are all take care of. 

I grew up in a family where drinking was an issue. My mother drank herself to death ultimately. She was a puddle by dinner and slurred words and acted strangely throughout my childhood and teen years. Each year it got worse. When I graduated from college, I moved out and never moved back home. My dad did his best, but never dealt with her….he ultimately died years before she did…even though she drank and smoke every day.

So excessive drinking is a trigger for me. My husband knows this.

As I said, we have been together for 30 years. He is and has always been a party guy. His whole family is. Kids (nieces and nephews and our kids) birthday parties are like a frat party. Shots, beers wine etc. Xmas eve is a wild evening. They are a big Irish family and they can party with the best of them. 

Our whole life together has been work hard and play hard. 

And now it's really bothering me... a lot. 

I will qualify something. He never ever drinks and drives. He never ever is abusive or crazy. He's a happy go lucky, fun drunk. He's funny and gets along with everyone….he has a million friends in his life. They for the most part work hard and play hard as well. 

I'm just tired of being the wife of a party animal when we are out and social… I'm tired of being the DD for the most part. I'm nervous about my kids seeing this behavior all the time. I love my wine, but I’m not a wine drinking machine unless I’m away on a girls trip or something.

Maybe I'm over-reacting because of my past, but it doesn't feel okay any more. 

So my questions are:

1.	Is drinking everyday normal? My hubby comes home and cracks a beer every day after work. He then cooks dinner (he’s a wonderful cook) and has a few beers during the evening. Maybe 5-7 a night. He’s never drunk or sloppy, just drinks. Occasionally we’ll share a bottle of wine for dinner as well.
2.	Is drinking to the drunken level normal at certain social occasions? He’s never falling down drunk or an angry drunk…but he gets really drunk and silly and giggly. He slurs a bit and walks funny, but he’s sh!t faced. He is sometimes hung-over, but most of the time he functions just fine.
3.	Is drinking to get buzzed (not drunk drunk) okay in front of kids? 

Thanks for listening…not sure I’m making any sense, but I love this site (been lurking for months) and there are so many wonderful people with wonderful advice I figured I’d tell my story.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

1 - no
2 - no
3 - no

Having said that, you may want to step back and really see if your description is accurate. being an alcoholic myself I have little tolerance for drinking and I think I view people drinking worse than they really are.

But if your viewpoint is accurate, I think he's going too far.


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## adrinkerswife (Apr 2, 2013)

Chris Taylor said:


> 1 - no
> 2 - no
> 3 - no
> 
> ...


It is an absolute trigger for me... and it's only a trigger when he drinks. I see other people in our social circle doing exactly the same thing at parties and what not...but I'm only bothered by him. And I'm starting to resent him because of it...even considering what a life he provides for me and our kids.

He grew up in an environment where everyone drank beer just like people drink a water. His normal is very different from what I want as normal. I also didn't harbor this resent or trigger until recently... 

Thanks for your reply.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

adrinkerswife said:


> Hi All...
> 
> I have been married to my husband for 20 years and we have been together for 30. We are both in our late 40s and we have 3 great kids...and a pretty wonderful life (for the most part -- more to come). My husband’s a partner in a very successful business which has allowed me to stay home with the kids for the past 14 years. He loves me and is a great dad. Our kids love him. He’s very active in their lives. Plays golf with our daughter…..gets up early on the weekends and takes our sons to the gym and plays basketball with them almost every weekend (he’s still in very good shape and looks younger than he is)… We are really living a dream life to everyone that looks at us. We are financially secure and our house, kids college and lifestyle are all take care of.
> 
> ...


It sounds like your husband is a functional alcoholic, but the bigger question is what his drinking is doing in your lives. Have you ever talked to him about your discomfort with his drinking? Is there a change that would help you feel better? 

I would encourage you to attend some Al-Anon meetings where you can get experience, strength, and hope from others. Because your mom was an alcoholic, you'll fit in well even if your husband didn't drink at all. You'll find people who can help you recognize if you're being unhealthy or healthy in your household, and figure out how to deal with it.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

I'm a functioning alcoholic, so was my father.. I drink a 6 pack everyday after work.. I have held my job for 28 yrs. I never call in sick due to drinking and I have on occasion drank way too much in my younger years.

My wife drinks and she does get bothered by my drinking on occasion. Her issue is she tries to 'keep up' with me but she has a hard time getting up for work etc.

I probably do have a problem even though I don't believe it has affected my life (at this point)/ I know that if I continue it will probably cause me health issues as I get older... currently I am 50 and I can't drink like I was in my 20's anymore.. never the less, I drink daily.


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## adrinkerswife (Apr 2, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> It sounds like your husband is a functional alcoholic, but the bigger question is what his drinking is doing in your lives. Have you ever talked to him about your discomfort with his drinking? Is there a change that would help you feel better?
> 
> I would encourage you to attend some Al-Anon meetings where you can get experience, strength, and hope from others. Because your mom was an alcoholic, you'll fit in well even if your husband didn't drink at all. You'll find people who can help you recognize if you're being unhealthy or healthy in your household, and figure out how to deal with it.


He is a high functioning alcoholic I think. He definitely does take breaks from his daily 6 pack. He's very healthy and eats extremely well -- which has been great for me and our family. 

I guess I'm taking a hard look in the mirror as to why this is bothering me now... and why so much. Maybe I'm reading too much into him and looking at him with all my baggage.


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## adrinkerswife (Apr 2, 2013)

Ostera said:


> I'm a functioning alcoholic, so was my father.. I drink a 6 pack everyday after work.. I have held my job for 28 yrs. I never call in sick due to drinking and I have on occasion drank way too much in my younger years.
> 
> My wife drinks and she does get bothered by my drinking on occasion. Her issue is she tries to 'keep up' with me but she has a hard time getting up for work etc.
> 
> I probably do have a problem even though I don't believe it has affected my life (at this point)/ I know that if I continue it will probably cause me health issues as I get older... currently I am 50 and I can't drink like I was in my 20's anymore.. never the less, I drink daily.


You sound like my guy. Keeping up isn't part of my mindset... I worry about his health. I worry about our kids ...although almost all of his drunk nights are without the kids around. It happens when we're social with other adults.

I would be very unhappy if he stopped at a bar everyday on the way home for his 6 beers ...and then came home. I wouldn't like it if he were a closet drinker. He has his beer during a normal night...cooks, walks the dog, helps kids with homework, fixes whatever needs fixing etc. etc. We just bought a second home and I should be excited but this is a weight on me for some reason.

Thanks for the feedback everyone.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

If you haven't had direct discussions with him about this, you need to. It wasn't clear from your posts if you have?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> If you haven't had direct discussions with him about this, you need to. It wasn't clear from your posts if you have?


I'm afraid I have to disagree with this for a moment.



adrinkerswife said:


> He is a high functioning alcoholic I think. He definitely does take breaks from his daily 6 pack. He's very healthy and eats extremely well -- which has been great for me and our family.
> 
> I guess I'm taking a hard look in the mirror as to why this is bothering me now... and why so much. Maybe I'm reading too much into him and looking at him with all my baggage.


Until this is resolved^. 

This is YOUR problem, ADW. He's ok with things. Your kids seem to be ok with things. They don't have a problem with any of this. 

But you do. If you try talking to him, you'll be asking him to solve your problem, and it's a problem you can't put your finger on yet. 

If you feel left out in some way, or his drinking is hurting your children, taking money from the family that you can't afford, creating risk-taking behaviors that could cause injury or death, then you'll be able to justify asking him to help you with a solution. But "I don't like it" vs. his "I like this" isn't going to get you very far. 

You might ask yourself, "What am I worried will happen?" 

And like I said above, talk to some people at Al-Anon. You'll get good, honest feedback.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> I'm afraid I have to disagree with this for a moment.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Excellent advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## adrinkerswife (Apr 2, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> I'm afraid I have to disagree with this for a moment.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I agree with naga.... excellent advice.

I'm going to give that some thought.

I'm not worried about him drinking and driving. He goes to occasional poker games or baseball games and always gets a driver. He never drinks when driving the kids around or out to dinners or out and about with kids.

I'm not worried about abuse or anger issues. He's pretty mellow happy when drunk.
I'm not worried about the cost. We can certainly afford it.


I am worried about his health long term
I am tired of being the wife of one of the party guys. It makes me feel bad...even though he's around a bunch of men doing exactly the same thing.
I am tired of being his DD when we're out socially. Although, it's extremely rare that I ever drink to much that I couldn't drive.Maybe that's a non-issue? 
I am worried about what our kids think as they get older... all tweens or young teens.

Thanks for your frank feedback...I need to really look into the mirror and decide what's really the problem.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

adrinkerswife said:


> It is an absolute trigger for me... and it's only a trigger when he drinks. I see other people in our social circle doing exactly the same thing at parties and what not...but I'm only bothered by him. And I'm starting to resent him because of it...even considering what a life he provides for me and our kids.
> 
> He grew up in an environment where everyone drank beer just like people drink a water. His normal is very different from what I want as normal. I also didn't harbor this resent or trigger until recently...
> 
> Thanks for your reply.


Is it maybe because you're getting older... the children are growing up and you may think you'll be babysitting him later in life?

How does he feel about his drinking? His health? The children seeing it?


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## adrinkerswife (Apr 2, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> Is it maybe because you're getting older... the children are growing up and you may think you'll be babysitting him later in life?
> 
> How does he feel about his drinking? His health? The children seeing it?


I think the babysitter thing is possible...but on the flip-side he may feel the same way about me. My kids are older and I'm able to go back to work, but I enjoy my lifestyle... I'm thinking about what I want to do in the future for sure, just waiting until the youngest ones are a little older. He probably feels like the meal ticket on some level... maybe maybe not...

He think the drinking is as normal as normal can be. It's the dynamic of his whole extended family and most of his social circles.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I'm where you are in life, except I work full time. It helps... but now that my children are grown I do want to also go back to school. I'm weighing working part time or staying full time as I don't want to put added pressure on our household finances just because I want to go back to school.

I would say if he's happy with life 'as is', then this will be something you need to reconcile within yourself. You could talk to him that you worry about his health and him being around to enjoy the golden years with you, but I'm thinking he just doesn't have those fears. 

Resenting him for being him isn't going to be helpful to your marriage long term (not that you don't know that). Accept the things you cannot change... that's an important lesson here.


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## adrinkerswife (Apr 2, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> I'm where you are in life, except I work full time. It helps... but now that my children are grown I do want to also go back to school. I'm weighing working part time or staying full time as I don't want to put added pressure on our household finances just because I want to go back to school.
> 
> I would say if he's happy with life 'as is', then this will be something you need to reconcile within yourself. You could talk to him that you worry about his health and him being around to enjoy the golden years with you, but I'm thinking he just doesn't have those fears.
> 
> Resenting him for being him isn't going to be helpful to your marriage long term (not that you don't know that). Accept the things you cannot change... that's an important lesson here.


Thank you...it's a perspective I need to start digesting because I think it'll be a healthy one.

I don't want to upset our family....and when I've brought it up in the past, it's gotten heated. He has no fears of his health... as I've mentioned, he's our cook at home and he's a health nut. Only organic produce...only grass fed beef and wild seafood etc. he works out and really is in fantastic shape. 

The one thought I had last night was that he's still living part of his life as a college guy. He lives the other part of his life as a mature successful adult, father, husband, businessman. 

And we've also had discussions where he's said he resents some stuff about me. I'm not the best housekeeper/family organizer... he want's more intimacy and sex and I'm okay with less. So we've got our share of marital bumps on both side if I'm going to be honest...but I think that's just life and marriage. It takes work.


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## ecotime47 (Apr 3, 2013)

Hi there! Its really interesting to me that your husband's drinking is just now becoming a real issue for you. My guess is that its b/c your kids are entering adulthood. Maybe on some level you are concerned they will turn out the same way and you know first hand the damage an addiction can do. The most important thing we can do for our kids is be a good role model for them. Its not enough to be involved, we are modeling adulthood for them and they will justify many decisions they make down the road based on what they observe mom and dad doing now. I would encourage you to share how you feel with your husband. I think any addictive bahavior is unhealthy period.


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## conflictedhubby (Apr 3, 2013)

adrinkerswife said:


> Hi All...
> 
> I have been married to my husband for 20 years and we have been together for 30. We are both in our late 40s and we have 3 great kids...and a pretty wonderful life (for the most part -- more to come). My husband’s a partner in a very successful business which has allowed me to stay home with the kids for the past 14 years. He loves me and is a great dad. Our kids love him. He’s very active in their lives. Plays golf with our daughter…..gets up early on the weekends and takes our sons to the gym and plays basketball with them almost every weekend (he’s still in very good shape and looks younger than he is)… We are really living a dream life to everyone that looks at us. We are financially secure and our house, kids college and lifestyle are all take care of.
> 
> ...


1. Is drinking everyday normal? It really depends. A glass of wine or two at night with dinner and then while winding down in front of the tv is not an issue, in my view. 

2. Is getting drunk at certain social occasions okay? Again, it depends. Is it once or twice a year? At say a boy's weekend or a town party where there is safe transportation home? Then no. If it's a weekly or semi-weekly event, then, yes, I think that's an issue.

3. Is drinking to get buzzed in front of the kids okay? Again, it depends. Is it on vacation when he has maybe one too many and is in a different 'place' slightly but in reasonable control? The, no, I don't think that's an issue.

Is drinking generally a slippery slide? yes...on all of these fronts. But I don't think there are hard and fast rules about it...


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## foolme2x (Jan 1, 2013)

Hi, OP. While it's really hard to know exactly what is going on with your husband, here are some things from my life w/my husband (high-functioning alcoholic, sober 3 years):


My husband was drinking as much as your husband, and more, every night, yet he never seemed "drunk". This is because his body had built up a tolerance to that alcohol level. 
At some point, that tolerance turned into a need...as in, his body needed him to have that much alcohol in order for him to function and appear as a normal person (going to work, coaching little league, being "the perfect family guy", etc.).
It took more than 20 years for him to get to where things started to slide. Once he hit that slippery slope, it picked up speed like a locomotive. He would have wine with me in the evenings, or a few beers, and then do the rest of his drinking when I couldn't see...took swigs in the bathroom, the garage...
 His drinking was at the root of some pretty big marital issues over the years. Funnily enough, I never really understood the extent of his drinking until practically the night before I confronted him. Looking back, it should have been so obvious, but I also enabled it in many ways, too. I had a lot of unrecognized (to myself) resentment over somehow always having to be the responsible one in the marriage.
Now, having said all that, your situation may be completely different. Do you know if he keeps bottles anywhere other than the normal places? Sneakiness is a hallmark of an alcoholic. My MIL once asked me how I could not have known my husband was an alcoholic ...she is a recovering one, too, so apparently the signs were clearer to her, although she never brought it up to me. But hey, if you aren't one, your mind doesn't even think..."gee, I should look in the water softener to see if there's some whiskey in there!" :scratchhead: 

Even if he is by some measure able to handle the amount he drinks, you are right in that it is doing bad things to his body in that quantity. But as long as he still feels fine, it is going to be impossible to convince him of that.

I hope everything works out for you!


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