# Need some advice



## CSMITH1186 (Apr 3, 2018)

Hello, I am brand new, hoping to gain some input. I have been married to my beautiful wife for 12 years now and love her so much. She is in the military and has to leave quite a bit. I try very hard to support her and know she needs my support. I have a very difficult time with her being away for so long so often and with mainly other men. We have 3 children who I take care of and work full time. When I have a hard time with her being gone she gets very mad and says I am unsupportive and controlling, I can see where I come off as controlling and have been working very hard at that. I love this woman with everything I have she is everything to me, my biggest fear is losing her. But I push her away because I hate the fact that she leaves so much and when she leaves is with other men that she works with. I feel like I trust her, I know I do not trust others. How can I better support her and her career while being away and get over my fears?


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Controlling is an interesting word. What are examples?


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

I can only suggest that you create a life around you that is fun and energetic without her. Instead of looking like the needy husband that she is leaving behind you can be the awesome/attractive husband that she doesnt want to leave behind.

Right now your in a world where she is surrounded by guys that might want to be with her... but are you giving that same image for her? Is she thinking "oh no, husband is so sexy and fun that he can probably sleep with all those girls back home"

Be more of the prize and get her off the pedestal. 

I would recommend "no more mr. nice guy" and "hold on to your nuts"


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## CSMITH1186 (Apr 3, 2018)

I used to ask a lot of questions, where she was, who she was with, what she was doing. Texting or calling her a lot while gone to see what she was doing. When she would be away I constantly think about her and what she's doing. She would always say "You're only happy if I'm in my hotel room locked up doing nothing" I don't think this is totally true because I want her to have fun, but when after not hearing from her for say 5-6 hours I would get concerned, but recently I have done a good job at blocking that out and not questioning her.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Switch it up... join a gym and pack on muscles... talk to people, make some friends
Join some type of social group thing.

Dont message her like a needy little puppy... When she messages you don't respond right away and when you do say "Hey.. i was at XXXX, hows your day going" or "Hey! was having some people over the house for *whatever*"
You have a life and she isnt the center of it

Neediness is the biggest turn off for females and not attractive at all. She also doesnt have much reason to proactively message you because she knows your sitting at home thinking of her.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

CSMITH1186 said:


> I used to ask a lot of questions, where she was, who she was with, what she was doing. Texting or calling her a lot while gone to see what she was doing. When she would be away I constantly think about her and what she's doing. She would always say "You're only happy if I'm in my hotel room locked up doing nothing" I don't think this is totally true because I want her to have fun, but when after not hearing from her for say 5-6 hours I would get concerned, but recently I have done a good job at blocking that out and not questioning her.


Stop asking, texting and questioning. Let your W pursue you. Further, your W does not inquire about the children at all? If not, why not?


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## CSMITH1186 (Apr 3, 2018)

Yeswecan said:


> Stop asking, texting and questioning. Let your W pursue you. Further, your W does not inquire about the children at all? If not, why not?


No she definitely does, that's certainly not an issue at all. As a man and husband I feel a purpose to provide and protect her and with her gone a lot I have a difficult time dealing at times not being able to do that, sometimes I feel not needed. It sounds needy I know and I do not want to come off that way.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Steve2.0 said:


> Switch it up... join a gym and pack on muscles... talk to people, make some friends
> Join some type of social group thing.
> 
> Dont message her like a needy little puppy... When she messages you don't respond right away and when you do say "Hey.. i was at XXXX, hows your day going" or "Hey! was having some people over the house for *whatever*"
> ...


This is good advice. The way you get over being jealous is having faith in yourself that even if she moved on you will have a good life. It's not healthy to be totally dependent on your spouse for your own happiness. You need to have a rich life where your spouse just add to it.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

CSMITH1186 said:


> No she definitely does, that's certainly not an issue at all. As a man and husband I feel a purpose to provide and protect her and with her gone a lot I have a difficult time dealing at times not being able to do that, sometimes I feel not needed. It sounds needy I know and I do not want to come off that way.


I see. Understand when your W is away you are still in the roll of provider and protector. Specifically for your children. Your W expects you to me that man taking care of the home front. You should do your best to be that man. Further, understand your W has a job to do while in the military. Her focus needs to be there out in the field. You are the person providing and protecting for all while your W is doing her duty.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

CSMITH1186 said:


> I used to ask a lot of questions, where she was, who she was with, what she was doing. Texting or calling her a lot while gone to see what she was doing. When she would be away I constantly think about her and what she's doing. She would always say "You're only happy if I'm in my hotel room locked up doing nothing" I don't think this is totally true because I want her to have fun, but when after not hearing from her for say 5-6 hours I would get concerned, but recently I have done a good job at blocking that out and not questioning her.


Is there a history of infidelity in your relationship, OP?

If so, I can at least understand your insecurity, although it's unlikely to be productive. If not, though, you're doing nothing good by being this needy. Honestly, my partner not being able to stand going 5 hours without contacting me would probably drive me absolutely insane. Presumably when she's away from home, she's working a lot. No one wants to be interrupted in the middle of a busy workday with constant needs for reassurance by their spouse. It screams insecurity and dependence. That's just not attractive. Neediness, jealousy, and insecurity can put a strain on even the most secure marriage, and can make even faithful people question the value of the relationship. You cannot force your wife to be faithful. And chasing her, checking up on her, and questioning her every move, trying to make sure she's not cheating on you, is doing nothing positive for your relationship. 

Consider, if you will, OP, that your wife has just as much reason to be worried about your fidelity as you do about hers. Sure, she's off with a host of fit, attractive, manly men, any number of whom would likely be very happy to sleep with her. But, you are also at home unsupervised. You're surrounded by a large number of young, attractive, lonely, attention-starved, military dependents, any number of whom would likely be more than happy to keep the home fires burning with you while their man is away. You cannot make your wife remain faithful, and she cannot make you remain faithful. So, either you trust her, and she you, at least until such time as either of you have cause to stop trusting, or you continue to weaken your marriage with your distrust and neediness. I, personally, suggest that you work hard on being someone your wife is proud to be in a relationship with and looks forward eagerly to coming home to. That guy isn't calling her and grilling her every few hours because he's afraid of what she might be up to. He's busy being awesome, and knows that if she does cheat on him, he'll be fine without her.


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## Glamdaring (Apr 3, 2018)

"my biggest fear is losing her"

You have to get past that right away. I'm new here too by the way. 

In my opinion of course, you might be letting this "fear of losing her" rule you. If you're okay with her being in the military and being gone (Which you should be if you knew this from the get go) You NEED to trust her, unless you have very good reasons not to (which is another thing altogether)

If you trust her, you're going to have to show it. Basically you have to make the conscious decision to trust her and act / behave accordingly. If you're saying things, or doing things that communicate to her that you don't trust her that's going to exacerbate your issue. 

Further, in my opinion, your issue is insecurity. She can't fix that for you by limiting herself or stifling her individuality. You have to get past that on your own. She can help you, but ultimately it's your decision to willfully not be insecure. I speak from some experience here, I had a long 10 year battle with self-esteem, and insecurity. Always wanted to blame my personal issue on outside stimuli. Once I decided not to be insecure, my outlook on life and relationships completely changed.

Be responsible for your happiness.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

CSMITH1186 said:


> No she definitely does, that's certainly not an issue at all. As a man and husband I feel a purpose to provide and protect her and with her gone a lot I have a difficult time dealing at times not being able to do that, sometimes I feel not needed. *It sounds needy I know* and I do not want to come off that way.


Let's please get real with this thinking right here in bold. You don't sound needy, brother you are needy. And you need to stop it now. Nothing, and I mean nothing is less attractive than a clingy, needy, weak looking man. 

And also, while you gave a lot of reason to be needy, did you come right out and say that you are scared of your wife sleeping around with all of the guys that she is serving with. If you did say that I guess I missed it. And, depending on how long she is deployed, you should be worried. 

But the idea is to not appear needy and clingy. You need to project, and hopefully actually have this image, the image you are a strong, attractive man that has everything under control. And, you need to make yourself so desirable that SHE might be a little bit worried that you might get some strange while she is gone. 

Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING that you are doing is going to have the exact opposite effect on your wife. Stop doing it!



Steve2.0 said:


> Switch it up... join a gym and pack on muscles... talk to people, make some friends
> Join some type of social group thing.
> 
> Don't message her like a needy little puppy... When she messages you don't respond right away and when you do say "Hey.. i was at XXXX, how's your day going" or "Hey! was having some people over the house for *whatever*"
> ...


You need to listen to Steve here, this is exactly what you should be doing. 

Let me give you an example: While I am older than you, a lot of this still works in your situation. Now, at times in my life I have been a bit of a womanizer. Not really proud of it, but I am not ashamed of it either. My current GF know the broad strokes of my past, no numbers, and no gory details, but she knows. 

While she may have a little anxiety that I might cheat, I won't because she is the most wonderful woman that I have ever been with, but let's just say that he knowledge of my past keeps her on her toes. Not in a bad way, not super jealous, but she keeps an I on me, which is fine. 

But what this also does is provide motivation for her to keep herself looking great, she does, and it keeps her looking to keep me happy in every way, and she does. But he knowing that I can just about have the pick of women in my age group, and younger, let's her see my value to other women and she makes sure that I have no reason to stray. While I never would, because I am head over heels for her, the fact that she thinks that way does not bother me at all. 
@CSMITH1186, you need to make your wife a little worried so that she will see your value as a man, a husband, and a father.

If you don't, your worst fears may come to reality...


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

You are putting too much into your spouse. She should be a complement to you, not the focal point of your life. If your worst fear came true and you learn she had an affair during one of her deployments, you need to be able to walk away. Not that you have to, but it should always be on the table and your default response. When you don't see it as an option, because shes your universe, you will zero out and she will leave you anyways, because you will come off weak with no self-respect. Keep yourself in shape, its good to always know you have options and should it hit the fan (God Forbid) you know you will be alright. Join a gym, be active, fire her imagination like she is firing yours. 

Point is to need her less than she needs you. Fake it till you make it if you have to. Last thing you want is to be in some co-dependent hell.


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## DaisyBug (Jan 29, 2018)

Hi,

I'm newbie here......I read a lot, just don't post much. 

But I gotta say....you sound exactly like my husband, like to a T!!!!! The thing is, he never used to act this way. 

We've been married almost 13 years, we have 4 kids....(4,6,8,10) 

Over the past 2 years, he got injured at work, and now is completely different, and it's hurting our marriage BIG time!!!! He texts, calls, FB messages me when I'm out running errands, when I'm out of town for work (with other women, not men) even if I travel back home to see our parents, he also says a lot, " I'm afraid of losing you" and "I'm afraid you'll just go running to another guy". (It literally always turns into an argument now) Which isn't going to happen, however.....since he's been doing this, I tell him, I don't like this controlling thing you have going on here, he constantly needs to know where I'm at, with how, when I was, etc....long story short, break that cycle, don't message her so much, and ask her tons of questions. It makes me not want to answer him when he does that, I feel like i'm his whole world, and I can't ever do anything unless he's a part of it. 

I agree with the others......Go out, meet new friends, find a hobby. You don't need to always worry about what she's doing.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

How much do you weigh? What kind of shape are you in? How do you compare to the average military man she is working around? 

What you are engaged in now is a self fulfilling prophecy. Your actions are going to cause the thing you do not want to happen. Being in the military is a mental and physical job. That’s what she is going to respect. How do you rate your self in those terms?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw, have you seen any red flags that actually worry you. You haven’t mentioned any.

Read the MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER yesterday. You can download it from Barnes and noble or amazon.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I was in the military myself years ago.

Your wife is in an environment immersed in fit, aggressive alpha males and an environment of stress and long periods of terrible boredom and loneliness punctuated by moments of sheer terror.

If she is if the character and has the whim to cheat, she will. If she wants some extra schlong, it will be handed to her on a silver platter the moment she orders it.

There is nothing you can do to stop it.

If she is of the character to cheat, she will cheat regardless if you are home chewing your nails and texting her every 5 minutes and begging her not to do it.

And she will do it even if you are living your own life and doing your own thing and not being weak and needy.

The difference between those two things is if you are fit and healthy and living your own life and not being a needy, Whiney basket case is -

-A: she will be more likely to respect and honor you and will know there will be consequences to bad behavior so she will be less likely to stray just for the hell of it.

- and B: if she does cheat, you will be in a million times better position to deal with it and it will not destroy your world and crush your soul. And you will be in a much better position to recover and move on after the fact.


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