# Need some perspective



## Katiebird (Jun 7, 2010)

Need perspective please. Married about 15 yrs. 2nd marriage for both. Dated for about 3 yrs before. Found out yesterday of a "relationship" that DH had with a lady we both worked with, who is now a neighbor of ours. This relationship occured before we started dating. However, I have not cared for this person from the time I first met her because I always felt she was manipulative. Furthermore, now as a neighbor, she will alway wave & smile to DH but will not acknowledge me. I was shocked to hear of this relationship - and I think it bothers me so much because 1) I really dislike this person, 2) she is a neighbor and 3) he has told me about other relationships (not the gory details) but said he didn't think this was worthy of talking about because it "was nothing." I heard about this from my step-son, who just mentioned in casually in passing, as if he was sure that I was aware of it. Should I care? For some reason I feel particularly hurt and betrayed by this - not the relationship so much but the fact that of all the relationships he has had, he "forgot" to tell me about this one. It has shaken my trust. Like I said, I need some perspective. Do you think it was an intentional omission? Do I need to forget about it and move on? He just laughed it off when I asked him about it. To me, it isn't particularly funny.


----------



## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

I can get how the collision of circumstances here has you pretty upset:
- it's a woman you don't like
- your H was involved with her (importantly, before you met)
- his son knew about the "relationship," suggesting to you that it may have had some importance, but
- he never told you about it, and now
- she has moved into your neighborhood.

My first inclination would be to cut H a bunch of slack. Perhaps it really was a casual thing to him. If he's not pursuing time with her, I'd just step back, look carefully at why you're upset, communicate that however you need to without accusing H of something or escalating the situation, and then let it lie.

As far as living around people you don't like, I think the best thing to do is to ignore them.


----------



## Katiebird (Jun 7, 2010)

Thanks Mal. I appreciate your viewpoint. Don't know if it matters - probably not - but this was when she and her husband had separated for a bit. Stepson mentioned that it must have ended when she got back with her H. I have the feeling that I still don't know the whole story. Just recently my H asked me if I had seen her around - and wondered out loud if maybe they had split. You know, I have not had any problem with any of the other women he dated. I know several of them and am actually friends with a couple. So basically not a real jealous type. But for some reason, this has just gotten under my skin. I know I need to get over it or it will poison my relationship but I cannot believe how hurt I feel by this. I think I really need him to acknowlege that and be completely honest with me about this . . . and then I need to let it go. The last piece, which is fairly silly is that apparently this started by her asking him to teach her to ride a motorcycle . . . and this is a special passion that I share with him. Darn, I wish this didn't hurt so much!


----------



## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

A situation like this can turn sour so quickly. I think you're right - you need to be in communication with your H about it. But you have to do that in a way that doesn't threaten him or make him feel that you're accusing him of something. Believe me, I understand that motorcycle thing so well! It's your thing together, a passion you share, and even though you know in your mind that she's not an interloper in it, it still feels just like she is!

I don't think guys get this kind of thing quite the same way we do. For him, that is apt to be no big deal at all. After all, it's your thing, so why worry about what he did in his past, right?

Anyway, I think you're going to be fine. As long as you can get him to a place where he can hear what you have to say, and as long as he understands that you're not accusing him of pursuing her, I think you can resolve this pretty easily.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Take a deep breath.

Let your DH know the truth. Don't build the relationship on withholding. Just be honest with each other.


----------

