# Noticing other women



## will (Jun 27, 2009)

Prior to being married, I had a number of partners and I enjoyed the excitement of being with someone new.

My wife and I have been married about 1 year and are in our mid-20's. We have sex maybe once a week, tops. We've talked about doing it more, but whenever one is in the mood, the other is not. We have communicated a lot on the subject, but neither of us follow through.

Lately, I have been having intense day dreams and have been "checking out" other women, to the point of planning out how to go out and meet them.

My marriage cannot fail because of my inability to control myself. What do I do?

ps. "spicing it up" in the bedroom isn't much of an option, as she's not very interested in that.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

will said:


> We have sex maybe once a week, tops. We've talked about doing it more, but whenever one is in the mood, the other is not. We have communicated a lot on the subject, but neither of us follow through.


So it sounds as if it's 50% your "fault". Dude, you can't make up her mind for her but you sure can make up her mind. Have a policy of never ever turning her down, and by my calculations, frequency of sex will go up 25%. If you are enthusiastic, you will encourage her to want it even more.




will said:


> Lately, I have been having intense day dreams and have been "checking out" other women, to the point of planning out how to go out and meet them.


This is because you have left-over desire that is not being "used up" by your wife. She is probably in the same boat. Is that what you want?
My marriage cannot fail because of my inability to control myself. What do I do?



will said:


> ps. "spicing it up" in the bedroom isn't much of an option, as she's not very interested in that.


This is where you would be surprised. If you are resourceful, you can gradually try out different things. Some she will like, some she won't.

Actually, so early on in a relationship, it's not spice you need. It's closeness. Neither of you want to be that close to the other, and that's what's sapping your sex life. At your age you should be delighting in each other's bodies, not wondering how to spice it up due to being jaded already. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with spice - but if the basic meal is not sound, adding spice to the pot only masks a bitter taste at best. So first you need to "lay" a good foundation.


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## wrhaven (Jun 12, 2009)

Will, you and your wife are too young to experiencing this problem. Was your sex life like this before marriage? What changed? Did you lose interest in sex because you are now with just one woman. 

Why don't you think about what changed for you and then discuss this with your wife. You and your wife are only in your twenties. This is person that you will be committed to for the rest of your life. Things will have to change for the better.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

:smthumbup: What MT said.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

will said:


> My wife and I have been married about 1 year and are in our mid-20's. We have sex maybe once a week, tops. We've talked about doing it more, but whenever one is in the mood, the other is not. We have communicated a lot on the subject, but neither of us follow through.


I feel your pain. My H and I are in our twenties, been together four years, married for about two years, but had these problems for three years. My H is never interested in sex and i also had a great dating life prior to my H. I really missed that, and still kind of do. I even went on dating sites and wrote an old boyfriend. So believe me, I understand the torture you are going through, and the confusion. 



will said:


> Lately, I have been having intense day dreams and have been "checking out" other women, to the point of planning out how to go out and meet them.


Ya, been there. well, except they were guys. 



will said:


> My marriage cannot fail because of my inability to control myself. What do I do?


well actually it can, and will, if you keep it up. but you know, you might want to change your thinking on 'failing'. My own frame of mind is that its all game until we have kids. If my marriage ends i wont think of it as failing; I've grown a lot and i think my H has, too. So its just another step in my life. It only becomes failing after we have kids. 

So for now im just taking it one day at a time, trying to work on myself and find out how im contributing to the dysfunction. In your situation, if you keep checking out girls and making plans to meet them (even just in your head) then you have checked out of your relationship. Just cut ties now and move on. You've made your decision. Its not a bad thing. Recognize that it means your needs are not being met. Dont just ignore how you feel, but after you recognize how you feel, you'll have to make choices on how to handle those feelings. 

In my situation, i check out other guys all the time and i even have dreams about them sometimes. Not a big deal to me. it just means my needs are not being met. i used to reach outside the relationship to satisfy those needs. of course that never works because then i felt guilty and i complicated the marriage even further. so not only did i not get what i wanted, i got more of what i didnt want. Not part of the plan. I had to find ways to meet my needs in constructive ways. 

Of course the biggest need is sex. Over the years I have actually gotten pissed off at myself. How can i not be in command of my own libido? How could i let a biological drive ruin my life and marriage- dictate my choices and lead to disastrous results? the fighting, irritability, lack of judgement, feeling like im not in control of my choices, even if they ruin a relationship...those are all signs of things like alcohol, drugs, gambling, and food addictions. its not different. I have learned that I had a problem. I dont think i have to rid myself of my sex drive, but to let the need for it lead to fighting and hurtful choices in my relationship is not acceptable. I have to be in control of my own sex drive and the choices that come from that need. 

i guess for me it became no different then kicking a soda addiction. it was a ton of choices i made every day to reconstruct not only my thoughts, but my actions on a day to day basis. I could put this effort into the relationship because i made up my mind that at least today i wasnt leaving. so at least today i needed to make the choices that respected my situation.


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## makeyourwifehot1 (Jul 6, 2009)

This is a situation that will not be fixed overnight, but that's also the good news. You're going to have to invest time in this, but this a long term investment that will yield a high return.
First, there is nothing wrong with noticing other women. Women notice men and men notice women. As a man you're built for visual stimulation. As a human, you appreciate looking at beautiful things. The more you try and force yourself not to look, and the more you try to convince yourself that it's wrong to do so, the more tempting it will be in the end. The logic behind wanting what you can't have will work against you in this situation. You can look at the menu as long as you don't order from it.
Similarly, you can't force intimate moments. It rare for two people to be completely in sync when it comes to wanting it at that moment. Most of the time one of you will be in the mood when the other isn't. That's what foreplay is for. When you're feeling randy, take the reigns and get her in the mood.
As for missing the variation that came with being single? Once you've gotten in the rhythm of seducing her, introduce role playing. It's a great way to spice things up and avoid monotony. 
Good Luck!

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http://makeyourwifehot.com/bragblog/role-play-great-foreplay.htm


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