# Dday 1yr Ago and now I get ILYBINILWY & Tech help?



## me2pointoh (Jan 31, 2012)

I don't think there's been any more contact with OW. He just feels like I ran him through the wringer. I can't heal because he hasn't owned up to what he did, but he feels tormented every time I bring it up. He said his feelings for me died, essentially giving me the ILYBINILWY speech. No, we haven't been to MC.

But last night I discovered that he is shopping online (FB) again for a relationship. He's pushing a relationship with some woman I don't know from his high school days. I don't know if she reciprocates because I can't see her side of the convo - I think they chatted on FB because there was no email for the particular parts I am referring to. I checked his FB and he has deleted the messages between them. I tried sending his FB data to myself but none of that stuff was on there, not any messages or anything. Is there a way to do this?

It's not so much that I want to save the marriage. Well, I do, but, if I have to be perfect or else he goes looking for female companionship, then... oh HELL no.

But I want to know what he's up to. He has agreed to MC. I have someone lined up but no appt yet. I guess I'd just like to know what the extent of this new relationship is and be prepared for dealing with those who think I'm some horrible person for leaving if it should come to that.

He is technically inept, can't even use his cell phone without my help. I have checked and there is nothing there. He knows I know everything he does on the computer which is why he deleted those msgs from FB, but he forgot about his email and I don't think he knows about the logger, which picked up stuff that didn't get emailed (that means chat, right?). 

Sorry I am all over the place. Is there any way to retrieve deleted FB messages/chats?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

get a keylogger pronto

also try fchat, a program that can retrieve deleted chat


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## pmiller (Jun 2, 2012)

I keylogger is a good plan, but maybe you should take it a bit further since you have said you don't know her side.

there are some keyloggers that log keys, clipboard and will even take periodic screenshots. That would be a better way to capture the other side of the convo. There are some that will log it directly on the PC as well as email it to you. Some will even take a pic using the webcam if you have one too.

I know a couple different names, but never actually used them
Perfect Keylogger
Screenshot Keylogger

Just remember, chances are that if you go snooping, you'll most likely find what you don't want to see.

And don't worry about being all over the place.. it's completely understandable.. and if anyone can understand.. it's members of this site.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Okay, people on here are very eager to give the technology solutions, but you are one year past D-Day, you haven't been to marriage counseling, and you are still getting ILYBINOLWY?

This ain't gonna get fixed by technology. I would encourage you to get into IC posthaste to figure out why you have let this terrible situation in your life continue for so long.


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## me2pointoh (Jan 31, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Okay, people on here are very eager to give the technology solutions, but you are one year past D-Day, you haven't been to marriage counseling, and you are still getting ILYBINOLWY?
> 
> This ain't gonna get fixed by technology. I would encourage you to get into IC posthaste to figure out why you have let this terrible situation in your life continue for so long.


I thought we were improving. He said he thought we were doing better. But then I brought it up again and all hell broke loose. He had not given me the ILYBINILWY speech at all until this weekend. So that's why I looked at his FB and found this new wrinkle. However, I do agree with you. I basically just want concrete evidence to work with. I might have used up all my tears.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## me2pointoh (Jan 31, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> get a keylogger pronto
> 
> also try fchat, a program that can retrieve deleted chat


Thank you for the recommendations. I'll look into fchat. I have a couple of keyloggers already which is how I got the chat on his side because those weren't in the emails.
They are free versions though, but they have served me well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Okay, people on here are very eager to give the technology solutions, but you are one year past D-Day, you haven't been to marriage counseling, and you are still getting ILYBINOLWY?
> 
> This ain't gonna get fixed by technology. I would encourage you to get into IC posthaste to figure out why you have let this terrible situation in your life continue for so long.


I have a hypo for you lamaga.

Suppose instead of facebook, she can hear her husband having these chats on a rotary dial phone behind a locked door. Do you mind if she picks up the extension? Or is that an impermissible use of technology?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

IHeartLife, I still think she should go to counseling. Don't you?


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

lamaga said:


> IHeartLife, I still think she should go to counseling. Don't you?


I do. I attended IC after both DDs and I recommend it to anyone. But I'm still curious whether you'd pick up the extension. I understand the point that the technology doesn't solve relationship problems. What it does do is give you a level playing field to determine if someone is lying.

Half this stuff was physically impossible 200 years ago, and it wasn't due to society. People are taking advantage of tech to do these things; I'm in a library right now talking to people from around the globe by this forum but the person next to me is none the wiser. Many things never change; but other things are unprecedented in human history. We are still evolving as a society to establish how these technologies fit into our lives. Few people in their 40's married during the age of the Internet. We are still adapting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

True, IHeartLife, and I would definitely pick up the extension.

I'm a huge snooper -- or, I was. I've learned that it doesn't help my life at all. Yes, I can buy all kinds of software to snoop on my H all day every day. I choose not to, and I think that people on TAM go to that as a first resort when it should be a last resort.

You think differently, and that's fine. That's what a public forum is all about, having different opinions aired. No hard feelings from my end at all.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

lamaga said:


> True, IHeartLife, and I would definitely pick up the extension.
> 
> I'm a huge snooper -- or, I was. I've learned that it doesn't help my life at all. Yes, I can buy all kinds of software to snoop on my H all day every day. I choose not to, and I think that people on TAM go to that as a first resort when it should be a last resort.
> 
> You think differently, and that's fine. That's what a public forum is all about, having different opinions aired. No hard feelings from my end at all.


That isn't what I said. I managed to go through my husband's 4.5 year affair without verifying whether he was telling the truth. Thanks for being honest.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## me2pointoh (Jan 31, 2012)

That's all I really want, to level the playing field. Certainly not looking to use the evidence to repair. I don't know if that's possible at this point. Sigh.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## me2pointoh (Jan 31, 2012)

I tried downloading fchat. It's on there but it's only a limited trial version. I could not find how to upgrade that program. All the links are to something else way out of my budget. It says it will only retrieve a limited number of records as the trial but there is no way to upgrade.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

Sometime snooping lets us betrayeds know we can trust our own judgment. It can help but can't become a way of life. I know most on this board are strong advocates of MC or IC, but I believe you can repair yourself and relationsip even if you can't get MC. (due to health coverage or $ issues) although if you can get counceling...do it! Thanks for posting your story, I wish you much luck. And hopefully you get some happiness.....soon!


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## Vegemite (Apr 12, 2012)

Me2, firstly sorry for where you're at. I'm in a very similar position at 2 years after D-day. I've given R every chance but my heart's not in it and I'm planning my separation. But that's another story. Thanks for sharing yours. I think it helps to do that from both sides, to give and recieve.

From your OP, the fact that he deletes his FB messages means he's not transparent, he's disshonest and therefore no remorse. Have you confronted him about that? Do you have boundaries in place like NC and full access to his phone,email, FB etc.? 

Good luck!


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## me2pointoh (Jan 31, 2012)

sunshinetoday said:


> Sometime snooping lets us betrayeds know we can trust our own judgment. It can help but can't become a way of life. I know most on this board are strong advocates of MC or IC, but I believe you can repair yourself and relationsip even if you can't get MC. (due to health coverage or $ issues) although if you can get counceling...do it! Thanks for posting your story, I wish you much luck. And hopefully you get some happiness.....soon!


Thank you so much Sunshine! I think one of the hardest aspects is not knowing which dire tion to go. Oddly, I feel empowered now, even though what I learned this weekend was horrible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## me2pointoh (Jan 31, 2012)

Vegemite said:


> Me2, firstly sorry for where you're at. I'm in a very similar position at 2 years after D-day. I've given R every chance but my heart's not in it and I'm planning my separation. But that's another story. Thanks for sharing yours. I think it helps to do that from both sides, to give and recieve.
> 
> From your OP, the fact that he deletes his FB messages means he's not transparent, he's disshonest and therefore no remorse. Have you confronted him about that? Do you have boundaries in place like NC and full access to his phone,email, FB etc.?
> 
> Good luck!


Oh absolutely he is not transparent. He's both a cheat and a liar now. The first go round you could say he "fell" into it, well...not really when you look at the big picture. But this time? Really? He knows how much he hurt me even if he felt it was innocent and then proceeded to do it all over again!

We HAD boundaries with the first OW. He hasn't changed passwords...yet. I haven't confronted him. I wanted to see where it went for a few days. I hadn't even told anyone IRL except one friend and today my sister. 

Thank you so much for the support.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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