# marry or not



## rough400 (Mar 14, 2009)

I felll in love with a guy and lived with him for year.He is very nice guy and loves me and tries to make me happy.I come from upper middle class educated background. I am computer engineer and make about 100k a year.He is hotel management graduate and had some visa issues so went back to india. He is very smart guy however spendthreft .And has been careless with finances. He was working as manager in leading restaurants in us.He is 30 and did notsave any money so far. He was making about 40k annually.He is tamil and from very orthodox family.He regrets not saving money especially when he has family responsibility.He convinced his family that he wants to marry me.He also said he does not have any expectations for me to be the way his parents might expect.he said i can do whatever iw want and so far has lived upto his promises to me. what worries me is what if he is not succesfful after marriage and i hv to bera all the financial burden?He said initially entrepereur and says he if i dont wnna work after marriage it is fine with me once he stabilise..i m kinda confused bs one one hand i love him and loves me and always trys to make me happy on another hand he is not enginer/doctor etc which i always thought my husband be atleast. so i question myself if he will be sussesful and if i will be able to adjust after marriage with his family?


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## joseywales (Mar 14, 2009)

you sound like a sexist to me.


By your grammer and writing abilities I have a hard time believing that anyone would pay you $10 an hour much less $100K/year.


sorry...


I think maybe your are in fact the boyfriend posting as the girlfriend.


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## rough400 (Mar 14, 2009)

well i guess you are just a looser in life to react on this forum on salary and writing ability.Just an FYI this forum is for emotional support and not advice on calligraphy!!!I would suggest you talk a walk and criticize other people in your life.


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## rough400 (Mar 14, 2009)

also people should not be talking about GRAMMAR when they cant even spell ""GRAMMER"". did you *mr joseywalle *can you spell ËNGLISH???


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## rough400 (Mar 14, 2009)

can anyone give me any advice please help????????????


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

hi rough400.
personally he is 30 and stil nothing to show for what he has.
if i were getin married knowing what i know. i wouldnt marry for money , but fact here is, id stil want to meet someone that can atleast look after themselves and not be bumming of you.

as your life grows - you will wish someone would simply treat you once in a while. you wont get it, if he doesnt have nothing. but he wil take and i dont think its a good match.
i doubt the fella your on about will change, but you wil counter balance his financial side always paying. 
i couldnt live like that either.
my H didnt have n e thing and he was 26 when we met, he wil admit to being a disaster at money. but when he got his own place he soon learnt about the implications of saving.
im not saying someone cant change. but i think your right on the spend addiction - my mum has never stopped. 
where as i wil save to get wht i want . i dont take it for granted i can have it.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

Well, really all you can do is go with your gut. If your boyfriend is good to you though, and works a steady job, and knows he needs to learn how to save more, and has prospects for a better income, then I say why not marry? 

But it is really up to you, if you feel you won't be secure enough, and that it will be hard for you to quit work and stay home to have kids, if that's what you want, then you'll have to take that into consideration too..

The fact that he's not a doctor, or lawyer,or other professional, won't make any difference in how he loves you. But, you knew a long time ago that he was not going to be a doctor, so something must have made you want to stick around for his love.

This one is really up to you, and you've got to just think about it long and hard. You don't wanna have instant regrets once you're married. 
Are you both indian? I have a few indian friends, and their marriages were arranged. I know not everyone does it that way though. 

I was just curious. If you love him, think this through really closely. Good luck!


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## rough400 (Mar 14, 2009)

Thanks Justean and Marina for your inputs. 
I will respond to you both in this. About me spending on him,I did not ever did that so far.Even when we were living together I would pay my bills and he would his.I always had more money thou and I could always pay in time and he could not. What bothered me was he would goto clubs and spend $1000 or so without thinking when he would be earning abot 3000 a month and had financial responsiblity towards his parents.But he is smart,go-getter,hardworkig,loving and caring.However ever since he commited to me he has not done that and has changed drastically and I never forced him to. He had issues with his visa status here so went to India in Oct 2008 and by dec 2008 he found a job in singapore in leading restaurant chain as manager and in probation being paid about 3000 sing dollars. And I do love him and he loves me too.If he comes to us he has to come on h4 which is a spouse visa and you cant work legally in us .Since i have better job in us i told him to come to US.And he plans to take loan and study mba here.And he does truly love me and i love him too.And he says he will work hard and do whatever it takes to improve our financial condition.I would not say he did not achieve anything in his life.He came from small town in india went to small schools and still managed to move to this country and was promoted to general manager in leading restaurant in california.My worry is what if he is not financially stable after marriage will it not come on to me ?To take care of him and his family?And second thing is he is from very orthodox family but he himself is not.At present he says he does not expect me to be with his family the way they would expect expects me to be.And he said we are not going to live with them they might visit us once in a while and all he expects is to respect them.However I fear sometimes what if he changes after marriage being in that situation?And yes I am an Indian.I am 29.And did not wanna go far typical arranged marriage as I could not marry someone whom i dont love.In my family we had lot of love marriages.So it depends on your family backgrounds etc.Arranged marriages are still common but so are love marriages especially in big cities ....And my other worry is as marian said that i should not have started this relationship in first place when i knew he is not financially as stable as me.But i cant think of dumping him because of this as well and feel guilty about it for the rest of my life..i am very confused


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## bhappy3 (Feb 4, 2008)

Just a quick observation... the fact that you even have to ask the question "marry or not" clearly says NO to me. If you have any doubts, then forget it, at least for now. What's the rush to get married? If these issues are so important to you, then wait it out and see how successful he's going to be, and once he reaches your success standard, then marry him. Sounds like you're going to marry for money anyway, and not for love.


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## rough400 (Mar 14, 2009)

but i think every peson has some doubt before geting married is that not true?


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## Ready To Give Up (Feb 7, 2009)

I would just wait it out a bit longer and see what happens. If you know a person well enough then no, there is no doubt. You have a whole life time to make such an important decision like this so take your time. Time will give you your answer. Good luck!


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## diana_w (Jun 26, 2011)

rough400 said:


> but i think every peson has some doubt before geting married is that not true?


That's true i can Understand..


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I'm a little concerned about his declaration that after marriage, he won't expect you to be the way his family wants you to be. All of what he knows about marriage, he learned from his parents. People say pretty much anything in order to close a deal but in reality, we are products of our family rearing and though he may stray slightly from that base, that is fundamentally who he is. Past performance is the best predictor of future performance. A ceremony and a ring will not change his attitudes about money, savings, planning, or implementing plans. You seem to be goal oriented and very driven. He sounds a little like a leaf in a stream. It's hard to imagine these two personalities living in peace and mutual respect.


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