# Did I overreact?



## Kanloops (Apr 10, 2012)

Did I overreact with my wife. We have been married over 20 years. The relationship is pretty much around our kids etc. It's pretty clear at times she has no feelings for me but we are still married without any ground rules what it still means to be married.

The other night she was invited to attend a soccer game with a male friend. I have never met this person but I know about him. She met him through a mutual friend and she has attended a couple of parties he has hosted and attended with the mutual friend. It really is just a friend that happens to be male. 

I was ok with her attending the soccer game and they met downtown before the game and drove their own cars. After the game they went out for drinks and hung out until after 1:30 am (3 hours after the game)

I texted my wife later in the evening(around 11:30 pm as game ended around 10 pm)and asked how the game was and she indicated they went out for drinks after the game.

I was out myself and came home after 1 and she came in around 2 am. I was a little worried where she was but knew she was out for drinks.

The next day we had a blowout for other reasons and I started to bring into the conversation that it was an issue going out after the game and really not letting me know where she was. I guess I knew because I texted her but if I didn't she would of just showed up at 2 am in the morning. When she got home she asked why I was still up.

Is this overreacting? I must admit our relationship is in trouble and when she is spending time outside the marriage with a male friend , I start to overreact as I am not getting what i need out of the relationship. We don't have any ground rules so I asked what are the ground rules in the relationship.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Yes you're over reacting, you said yourself there's no ground rules and the relationship is in trouble and if she's out screwing the other guy *very likely* then you blowing up isn't going to do a thing to work in your favor. 

Learn to play it cool and chill out. 

Control the things you can and learn to let the other stuff go. 

IF she's cheating on you, she's doing it because things got out of hand, you can't fix it by yelling and screaming.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

So let's be clear. You are living in an open relationship with your wife. She is dating other men and you are asking if you are overreacting to her coming home so late?

I suggest you just go ahead and divorce her and be a good father instead of one who allows his wife to cuckold him.


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## 381917 (Dec 15, 2011)

Um...he's not just a friend.


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## 381917 (Dec 15, 2011)

lenzi said:


> Yes you're over reacting, you said yourself there's no ground rules and the relationship is in trouble and if she's out screwing the other guy *very likely* then you blowing up isn't going to do a thing to work in your favor.
> 
> Learn to play it cool and chill out.
> 
> ...


I totally disagree with this. No ground rules? Not messing around with other men isn't a rule that should need to be spelled out. I think that you should have blown up much, much more. Instead of chilling out, put your foot down. Don't waver or wonder if you're overreacting because you're NOT.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I guess it would depend. Where were you at until after 1am? There isn't really enough information for me to give a good opinion.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

I can't believe all the suspicious minds on these boards. You gave us no indication she is screwing this guy. I must say though that is probably what he is aiming for. 

What they are doing is dating, and she is wrong to be dating while married. But you said yourself, there are no ground rules, so what did you get angry and blow up about? That there are no ground rules? Or, that she acted in accordance with there being no ground rules? If you want there to be ground rules in your marriage, then you should insititute some. Of course, it's not for you to decide alone. The two of you should agree on what the rules will be. If she doesn't want rules and wishes to keep dating, then you have to consider your options, which is to either leave or stay and accept it. After all, you know you did the same as she did. You just didn't like that she did it too. You cannot expect to do whatever you want in accordance with there being no rules but get angry when she acts accordingly. Either you want an open relationship or you don't. It is very typical for one person to do as they please but don't want the other person doing as she pleases. I wouldn't even doubt that you are the one who started this whole thing, and she decided to show you that two can play too. You conveniently did not tell us that you have been stepping out on your wife, that you have, up to this point, been enjoying that there were no ground rules, and you just don't like that she finally got message of there being no ground rules. I guess we were supposed to believe this was your first time. Some others may have fallen for your omission, but I'm not that naive or stupid.


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

First step would be to sit down and make the ground rules. Though after 20 years, I'm a little unclear as to why you both wouldn't know what is expected from each other in your marriage.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Do you even have a sexual relationship in this marraige? Going out alone with the opposite sex for hours like that -is just wrong. Why be married ?

I feel any opposite sex friends should be friends with BOTH partners and 99.9 % of the time, see those friends as a couple ... this is healthy boundaries. 

This is how it is in our marraige.... only on very rare occassions would I be alone with one of our guy friends....examples:... if I needed a ride, if we had construction workers / Tree cutters at our house & my husband was working, so I would not be alone with strange men outside, stuff like that , once we went to a concert , but had 2 of our kids with us, he loved the band, as I did- but my husband didn't so he stayed home so he could save $50. 

What are your marital issues... Here is something you can both print out - fill out in separetely - then sit down with each other & go through the answers -- it is a starter for getting the right questions asked & opening things up.... 

Love Busters Questionnaire 
.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

So, where were you until 1 AM and did your wife know?

Have the two of you made any efforts to fix your marriage issues? I think you both need to talk and decide if you even want to.

I would not let my wife go to parties another man was throwing (even if she went with a friend) let alone out drinking with a man until 1:30 in the morning even if we had problems in the marriage. That would simply be a huge sign of disrespect and I would not sit still and take that!


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

You're out 'til after 1,she comes home and asks why you're still up,so you must not have told her what you were doing.To me,she was more upfront than you.If you don't have ground rules then don't expect them.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I would think it would be fairly obvious that a married couple would exclude dating members of the opposite sex as a 'ground rule'. Or does that need to be stated somewhere in the beginning?


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## wellness (Apr 4, 2012)

The big questions here is where you were out til 1am hopefully working . But if you were out with the opposite sex than you have no grounds to be angry. If you both are dating the opposite then i would file for divorice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She goes to parties at his house, she went on a date with drinks until late in the morning. And you are worried about overreacting? You should be more worried that your wife is acting like a single woman and that she thinks it's ok for her to go on dates.

Btw who paid for the game and drinks?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

the ground rules are:

NO dating
NO going on dates with the oppisite sex
No touching, fondling, groping, dry humping, grinding, having actual sex, putting genitals in your mouth, hand, no looking at breasts, or penis of another live person


NO kissing
NO one on one phone calls with a co-worker
No e-mails
NO going out as "friends"
TRANSPARENCY IS A MUST--privcy is for single-dom

NO dinners with the oppsite sex
NO movies
NO clubbing---no dancing

NO strip clubs
NO penis in vigina
NO penis/vigina on/in mouth

NO "secret" e-mail, facebook, twitter, four square, linked, my space...etc account


you will not talk to the oppsite sex about the sex that is or isnt going on in the marriage--this also goes for same sex friends too

you will not talk to oppsite sex about fights, disagreements that have happened in the marriage--this also goes for same sex friends too

crushes are a normal part of life--BUT, you will not encourage said "crush" with any of the above, you will have tact and grace, and leave the person be

YOU will not accept "gifts" from male/female "friends", co-workers, family "friends"

YOU will NOT engage with any ex..college, high school, middle school, elelmentry school, play ground, sand box, pre-school

you can have outside activites..you are to act accordingly, never tell the spouse they cant come, always tell spouse every annoying detail about a "person" that seems "strange", or not correct

assume every woman wants to have sex with your husband
assume every man wants to have sex with your wife

just because you "met" the other person, dosent mean...oh they wont stab me in the back...dont turn a blind eye to the "game on b!tch" look that they threw your way.

no cheating---but thats up to the two people involved in the marriage if its a game ender

both persons in the marriage have to give 100%, and both have to want to be here in the marriage

communication is a must, no topics can be off limits, it all has to be on the table

its best to verbally state what your
Non-Negotiateable Unadulterated TermS--[nnuts] are



this is a basic list and can be ammended to fit any one.


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