# Anyone here in a marriage where the wife is the boss? Did it work?



## Theseus

I'm not talking about a marriage with a nagging wife and and a henpecked husband. I'm talking about a relationship where the wife openly says she is the boss, and the husband openly acknowledges it. 

My wife of 16 years wants to go this route. We talked about it in the past, and experimented with it for trial periods. It had some real advantages, although it certainly wasn't perfect (I will elaborate later if people want to hear). It was more or less like her treating me like one of her children. But now she wants to go much further and says she wants me to be her "slave". And before anyone thinks this is some kinky leather game with whips and chains, she doesn't mean it like that. She doesn't read kinky erotica, has no interest in BDSM or reading "50 Shades of Gray". She just wants me to obey her all the time. I told her that I can't go to that extreme, at least not at this time. 

I was wondering if anyone else here was in a similar situation, and if it worked out for you? And how did it work?


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## Entropy3000

I think your post here adds to your question because it adds a nuance to what you are looking for. So it is not just a dominance / submission thing. Or even just balance of power. How does the hotwife thing work in this particular context? Of her leading the marriage?



Theseus said:


> ...
> 
> I suppose I have this same "hot wife" fetish (although I've never heard it called that). I would love to see my wife with another man (or woman). I'm afraid you may never really understand it, because *even though I have this fetish myself, I don't really understand it*. And the funny thing is, when I was much younger I used to be incredibly jealous. Back when we were dating (non-exclusively), my wife went on a very innocent blind date with another guy but I was still out of my mind with jealousy. But if that happened today I would be thrilled. I really have no idea why I changed over the years, but I'm certain that part of it is that I eventually became much less insecure and much more confident about her feelings for me. But for the act itself, I'm not sure. It may be a combination of humiliation, healthy primal competition, or raw sex/carefree nature of the situation, or a combination thereof. If someone can think of another reason, I'm all ears.
> 
> If I know other men are interested in my wife, it also gives me a LOT of motivation to keep going to the gym, so there is a practical value too. I'm not joking.
> 
> *BUT* - I would NEVER want the other guy to be a good friend or co-worker, or family member. That's where you both made a huge mistake, IMO. It's much better to do something like that with someone completely outside of your social circle, so you don't end up losing a good friend or worry about rumors spreading.
> 
> ...


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...xual-desires-hotwife-complex.html#post1477563


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## Theseus

Entropy3000 said:


> I think your post here adds to your question because it adds a nuance to what you are looking for. So it is not just a dominance / submission thing. Or even just balance of power. How does the hotwife thing work in this particular context? Of her leading the marriage?



Well, that's a piece of the puzzle but I wish you didn't cross-post that here from the "sex in marriage" forum because it confuses the issue, and I wanted to make it clear this wasn't just a sex game my wife wants. 

But to answer your question, she's never decided if she would act out that fantasy, but she made it clear that if she did sleep with someone else, I still wouldn't have permission to do it myself. She's not interested in us both "swinging". 

To add a bit more background info to this, very early in our marriage, about 12 years ago, I did cheat on her. She eventually forgave me, with the understanding that she would have more control over me from now on, and that's one of the things that fueled all of this.


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## Entropy3000

Theseus said:


> Well, that's a piece of the puzzle but I wish you didn't cross-post that here from the "sex in marriage" forum because it confuses the issue, and I wanted to make it clear this wasn't just a sex game my wife wants.
> 
> But to answer your question, she's never decided if she would act out that fantasy, but she made it clear that if she did sleep with someone else, I still wouldn't have permission to do it myself. She's not interested in us both "swinging".
> 
> To add a bit more background info to this, very early in our marriage, about 12 years ago, I did cheat on her. She eventually forgave me, with the understanding that she would have more control over me from now on, and that's one of the things that fueled all of this.


This seems very pertinent background. I get that you are looking for a more purist answer and you can still get it. You are talking about your wife not only being a leader but also cuckolding you. In some marriages a husband may be in the role of leader but that does not mean he can cheat and his wife cannot. I am not saying this does not happen. But typically the cheating spouse keeps this a secret. You are talking about openly having her lead the marriage and to be able to have other men but you must be faithful. Right. So she gets to decide if she wants another man and somehow you are powerless and have no say so. 

Wow. So you are into the whole humiliation thing .... Good luck


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## Coffee Amore

It wouldn't appeal to me at all and I'm a woman. I know it wouldn't appeal to my husband. The hotwife fetish is something I wouldn't touch with a 10 foot pole.

Even if Entropy didn't post that other posts of yours, people still would have found it by looking at your profile which lists your previous posts.


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## Theseus

Entropy3000 said:


> You are talking about openly having her lead the marriage and to be able to have other men but you must be faithful. Right. So she gets to decide if she wants another man and somehow you are powerless and have no say so.


No, it's not like that at all. I'm very confident that if I told her I couldn't tolerate her doing that, then she wouldn't do it. There are still boundaries, and she knows how explosive things like that can be to a relationship, even if she is the "boss".


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## Entropy3000

Theseus said:


> No, it's not like that at all. I'm very confident that if I told her I couldn't tolerate her doing that, then she wouldn't do it. There are still boundaries, and she knows how explosive things like that can be to a relationship, even if she is the "boss".


Ok. Ok. Because from your original post all sorts of things might be on the table that go into the extreme cuckold fetish. Just need to know what boundaries you had in mind.


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## ExiledBayStater

Theseus said:


> I'm not talking about a marriage with a nagging wife and and a henpecked husband. I'm talking about a relationship where the wife openly says she is the boss, and the husband openly acknowledges it.


Why on earth would any man ever agree to this? Is it happening as part of his sexuality? Some women let their husbands be the boss based on cultural precedent, although I don't endorse it. I'm just wondering, what is the benefit here?

But then, I can comfortably say that my wife's judgment isn't better than my own.


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## HappyHubby

what the? I couldn't look myself in the mirror or anyone in the eye.. I would have lost all self-respect if I yielded all control to anyone (especially my wife. yikes).

Couldn't do it. I'd have no part of it. How can you look yourself in the mirror? or another man (or woman) in the eye if they knew this? She clearly doesn't respect you. Tell her to eff off. Reconciling from your infidelity doesn't mean you become her little 'b-tch'. Grow a pair, change the situation and leave if you cant. I would be ready to walk out and divorce in a heart beat from this, children or not. I rather live under a bridge in a box then give up my self-respect.

Man... Maybe later I'll tell you how I really feel.


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## HappyHubby

I hope this isn't a trend... I am fearful it is with all the other matriarchy man hating bs out there fueled by feminism. What will this society be like in 100 years? Men come home from work and crawl into their cages hoping for scraps from their wives?


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## ExiledBayStater

HappyHubby said:


> I hope this isn't a trend... I am fearful it is with all the other matriarchy man hating bs out there fueled by feminism. What will this society be like in 100 years? Men come home from work and crawl into their cages hoping for scraps from their wives?


I really hope my wife doesn't find TAM and get ideas.


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## Cee Paul

My wife insists on being the *financial* boss in this marriage simply because a) she makes twice the money I make, and b) I am terrible with money and was nearly flat broke when she met me and living paycheck to paycheck. So it's hard for me to argue with her when it comes down to how and where we spend our money, since she's the one making most of it and is responsible for getting me back on my feet several years ago.


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## tracyishere

I think there is some confusion over the term "boss". I mean it's one thing to be the primary decision maker over certain aspects in the marriage, but to go as far as to say you're a slave. That's a whole different role. What is it that you aren't doing for her now that she wants control over?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Theseus

tracyishere said:


> I think there is some confusion over the term "boss". I mean it's one thing to be the primary decision maker over certain aspects in the marriage, but to go as far as to say you're a slave. That's a whole different role. What is it that you aren't doing for her now that she wants control over?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, she means "slave" in a partially joking way, and as a more figurative than literal concept (I think!). But it's because she wanted to emphasize she wanted 100% control, as opposed to the 51% or so that she has now.

She already controls the finances, although I make almost all the money so I could change that in a heartbeat if I wanted to. I already do my share of the chores in the house. I can't do much more because I am out of town so much of the time. I think what she would really like to change is to automatically win any difference of opinion or argument we have. For example, if we can't agree where to go on vacation, she wants to always be able to veto me. If we can't agree on what car to buy, she wants the right to override me every time. You get the idea.

For those telling me to "man up". I am already the one in control in my workplace, and it's actually refreshing to cede Control when I get home, like getting a balance in my life. I just don't know how far I'm willing to go, and that's why I'm asking others if they've been in similar situations.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

This whole idea is awful. 

I would never agree to it(man or woman), nor would I ever treat my husband like this. People who control like this tend to be abusive. 

I'd leave the marriage. I would rather live alone then in a household where I was bossed around. I grew up that way and I hated it. In fact my mother still tries to control my life, it's too bad she can't and I can finally stand up for myself.


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## Entropy3000

Like A Boss (ft. Seth Rogen) - Uncensored Version - YouTube


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## tracyishere

I'm surprised you're even considering this. It does not bother you that you will have no say in your marriage? It does not bother her that she'll have a husband with no backbone?

I don't understand this concept. I always consider communication and respect key elements in a healthy marriage. And in this circumstance you'd be willing to give it up. Makes no sense to me.

Please elaborate on how your trial went and what you felt worked well.


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## Entropy3000

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> This whole idea is awful.
> 
> I would never agree to it(man or woman), nor would I ever treat my husband like this. People who control like this tend to be abusive.
> 
> I'd leave the marriage. I would rather live alone then in a household where I was bossed around. I grew up that way and I hated it. In fact my mother still tries to control my life, it's too bad she can't and I can finally stand up for myself.


I have to agree with this. Hopefully most here would. 

My wife and I are a partnership. The areas each of us have primary day to day responsobilities for are based on our complementary skills and frankly workload. 

That said, there are areas where I would make the final call. I am the protector if you will in a traditional sense. But this is agreed to. 

In general we subscribe to POJA. Policy Of Joint Agreement. Meaning any major decisions are agreed to. Either of us has veto power. No freedom to do and beg forgiveness later games.

We are both the boss in that we can fire each other. Thankfully that has never happened.

I have traditionally been more agressive in the work environment and understand backing off when I am home. But I am the Captain and my wife the First Mate. This is what Athol describes it as. But indeed this is the way my wife and I have been since before I got out of the Navy. See if you are going to need to go on a cruise you have to have a strong and capable woman as a wife. But the good news is that this bodes well in life period. She is just at the helm much of the time. There is NEVER any disrespect. I invoke the Alpha when needed. But it is a balance.


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## Cosmos

No, I've never experienced this in a relationship and know it wouldn't work for me. Whilst my SO will never be my "boss," there's absolutely no way that I will ever be his, either - nor would I want to be. 

I would lose all respect for any man who allowed me to control his life, and lose respect for myself if I allowed him to control mine.

I believe in mutual cooperation in relationships, where both parties' weaknesses and strengths are acknowledged and respected. There are many things in which I defer to my SO's better judgment, and there are certain areas where he defers to mine. We do this for the betterment and good of our relationship, not in an attempt to get to play top dog.


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## arbitrator

Since STBXW had the seven-figure financials in her favor, she felt that, in and of itself, it gave her the inherent right to be the "boss" and I didn't quibble about it. Prior to the "I do's," she always intoned that it was always going to be a 50-50 partnership, but that was just cosmetic.

She dictated orders, work schedules, trips, vacations, social events, et.al. If she didn't like the way you did things, you were taken off detail because she wanted it done right the first time~ no second chance. Unless of course, you were one of her lousy, no-account kids who ran afoul of the law and were heavily into the drug/tattoo culture~ they could do no wrong!

And in looking at things now prior to the issuance of the final decree, and despite my abandonment by her for the OM, I greatly feel like the weight of the world has been virtually lifted off of my narrow shoulders!


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## Lon

I was a bit of a burnout and was so overwhelmed with stress and anxiety in my marriage I basically shut down in a lot of ways, was at the point of being broken into submissiveness - and the idea of having my W (at the time) take the lead - was really appealing. But I honestly think it was pure fantasy, you are craving to be absolved from all personal accountability, to have complete dependence on and servitude to some one that would take care of all your needs while you only had to do as instructed. I understand it has a lot to do with sexuality but also more than that.

However I don't really think slavery is healthy for anyone, not under a caste system nor the modern era. There is no escaping that if you are alive you and you alone are responsible for your actions and only your actions. I believe submitting in the way you wish is not truly a possibility - nor do I think it's fair or possible for any one person to take over responsibility of someone else like the master you envision her becoming. You can try but she will inevitable fail, and where would that lead you?

However if you want to integrate a few ideas of the master/slave thing in a roleplaying scenario from time to time (and it seems you both do) it may be fun and exciting without all the repercussions of making it permanent reality.


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## Cosmos

Are we talking sexual role play here, or every day life? I'm a bit confused...


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## Lon

Cosmos said:


> Are we talking sexual role play here, or every day life? I'm a bit confused...


I think he is talking every day. I'm suggesting role play (but not just for sex).


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## Cosmos

Lon said:


> I think he is talking every day. I'm suggesting role play (but not just for sex).


OK. I can see this perhaps working for role play sex, but not every day life.


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## Lon

Cosmos said:


> OK. I can see this perhaps working for role play sex, but not every day life.


I think when you are really horny and/or worked up over an idea anything can come to seem a little more feasible.

There are people who practice this everyday, some in a more prominent manner (like the guy I saw at the science fair, who looked quite normal apart from the choke collar with a ring on it - I guess his master must have let him off his leash that day to take his kid to the fair), and sometimes it is more of a mainstream idea (akin to the surrendered wife, but in this case surrendered H). edit: this analogy may not be appropriate, surrendered Wife is apparently not about submissiveness, rather surrendering control over their husbands where the dynamic the OP is talking about has not worked.

I don't know how well the extreme version works out in in the long run for most cases, but I'll bet people involved will never tell you anything bad about it (even if in reality it is a lousy situation).


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## Theseus

tracyishere said:


> I'm surprised you're even considering this. It does not bother you that you will have no say in your marriage?


Actually, the main thing that would bother me would be to not have any say in raising the children, because she and I have different parenting styles (she's more strict) and if nothing else, I don't think I could abdicate from that. Otherwise, I trust her and we are good friends. She is also not a micromanager, which helps.




> It does not bother her that she'll have a husband with no backbone?


I asked her that very question, and she said very clearly no, it wouldn't bother her in the least. And she says that besides we will be so much happier so it won't matter. 

I should point out that in the bedroom, I very much take the lead and she said she wants me to keep doing that as long as it is enjoyable for her. 



> Please elaborate on how your trial went and what you felt worked well.


Our trial period was about a year ago. We set up the rules and agreed it would be for a month. It went very well actually, with no arguments. Although a complication came up because it just so happened that during that time I came down on orders to leave for a military training course and then Afghanistan, so we were trying to make the best use of the time we had. So it's hard to know if it went so well because of that, or because she was in charge. I just don't feel like it was a real test.

After I came back from deployment, and after so taking vacation and so much family craziness during the holidays, we talked about doing this again, but she didn't want a "trial period", she wants it for real now. So I told her I need time to think about it.


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## tracyishere

If you believe that in this arrangement you will not become resentful that your wife has taken away your freedom to make decisions, then by all means give it a go. But, I would caution you that this may feel alright in the beginning, but I'm willing to bet there will be times where you wish you had some control. Whether it be what groceries to buy, what outfit to wear or even which relatives to visit (or not). How extreme is this gonna go? And are you both clear of the rules and boundaries? Heck, i'd even write them down if I were you...set an expirey date incase u don't like it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000

You know he brought up an interesting thing here. About having a say about the children.

Is this really good for the children? To see that the father has no power. This would be a horrible example for the sons. Equally sets an expectation for the daughters. I suspect they would have a real hard time adapting to life outside the family home. Does this infer a cult type following where the children interact with like minded families and that the sons marry daughters that are trained to be the boss? Seems a tad creepy to me.

Having two competent and loving parents that are partners sure seems like a good and healthy idea to me. Then again I look at marriage as a partnership.
The concept that there is a boss period seems to detract from this IMO.

Fine that the father is asseertive at work but the children do not see this man.

Also as discussed at first there is a sexual element at least with in the OPs marriage where he is open to his wife having an open marriage but he is not allowed. Hokey Smokes. This was not discussed and yes I am pulling itmout of the air. BUT, if she were to become pregnant by another man what happens then?


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## Theseus

Entropy3000 said:


> You know he brought up an interesting thing here. About having a say about the children.
> 
> Is this really good for the children? To see that the father has no power. This would be a horrible example for the sons. Equally sets an expectation for the daughters. I suspect they would have a real hard time adapting to life outside the family home. Does this infer a cult type following where the children interact with like minded families and that the sons marry daughters that are trained to be the boss? Seems a tad creepy to me.


Well, that worry might be a slight exaggeration - after all, many people did grow up (or still do) in homes where the father was unquestionably the boss, and they weren't traumatized from it. During our trial period, we agreed to keep all of this from the children. Not sure what we would do if it were a permanent arrangement.




> Also as discussed at first there is a sexual element at least with in the OPs marriage where he is open to his wife having an open marriage but he is not allowed. Hokey Smokes. This was not discussed and yes I am pulling itmout of the air. BUT, if she were to become pregnant by another man what happens then?


While she hasn't taken that option off the table, that is not a fantasy of hers (at present), so it's not likely to happen soon. But she uses birth control and obviously would continue to do so.


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## Entropy3000

Theseus said:


> Well, that worry might be a slight exaggeration - after all, many people did grow up (or still do) in homes where the father was unquestionably the boss, and they weren't traumatized from it. During our trial period, we agreed to keep all of this from the children. Not sure what we would do if it were a permanent arrangement.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> While she hasn't taken that option off the table, that is not a fantasy of hers (at present), so it's not likely to happen soon. But she uses birth control and obviously would continue to do so.


So how do you have one person being the boss and the children not know?

You do know that birth control is not 100%

You are ok with her having unprotected sex?

Do you make sure when she goes out she carries condoms with her? But then again if she is the boss she could choose to have sex bare back. You have no say in that.

Since you deploy, you are ok with her having sex if she chooses while you are gone. She's the boss. Her choice. Is she required to tell you are is that none of your business?


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## Theseus

Entropy3000 said:


> So how do you have one person being the boss and the children not know?


She still needs my input or advice for just about everything around the house. But yes, eventually they would notice. I don't consider that necessarily bad, but would just prefer to keep it from them because I think it falls into the category of things that children would rather not know. 




> Do you make sure when she goes out she carries condoms with her? But then again if she is the boss she could choose to have sex bare back. You have no say in that.
> 
> Since you deploy, you are ok with her having sex if she chooses while you are gone. She's the boss. Her choice. Is she required to tell you are is that none of your business?



That is one of the many things we would have to have an understanding on, if she went that route. But she is not an idiot, and wouldn't jeopardize her health like that. Moreover, since I am gone a lot, if she was really inclined that way, it would be easy for her to do it whether she had permission or not. 





Mavash. said:


> I've read several books on submitting to your husband and even those wives had a say in child rearing and were able to express their wants/desires. The husband even though he is the boss holds his wife in highest esteem and takes great strides to make sure her needs are met.
> 
> Your wife however isn't interested in that part.



That's a bit off the mark. She does care about me, and shows it quite often. She has no problem with me expressing my wants and desires, she just wants to be able to veto them whenever she disagrees, and be able to tell me to stop arguing about it whenever she doesn't want to hear any more. But it would not be easy for me to adjust to that, that is for certain.


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## Entropy3000

There is no shortage of women who screw around with Jody while the man is away.

But while they rarely cover their tracks this arrangement makes it ok and even expected. The kids will know that uncle Jody is in mommy and daddy's bed.

Wearing a condom is a drag but good for you for having trust in your wife and solid boundaries.


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## Created2Write

I know I'm much younger than most here, but I had to comment. No, I'm not the boss in my marriage, and never want to be. My husband isn't the boss, either. We married believing each other to be equal with the other, not one superior and one inferior. We agreed on our beliefs and boundaries and life expectations, and do our best to come to agreements when we argue or are faced with decisions. Usually our decisions are financial ones, and since that effects us both, we both have a say. If we don't agree(which has only happened twice), I concede to my husbands choice, as he is the sole bread winner of the home. 

The idea sounds awful. Horrific, even, for either partner, husband or wife, to have that kind of control over the relationship.


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## [email protected]

Theseus said:


> I'm not talking about a marriage with a nagging wife and and a henpecked husband. I'm talking about a relationship where the wife openly says she is the boss, and the husband openly acknowledges it.
> 
> My wife of 16 years wants to go this route. We talked about it in the past, and experimented with it for trial periods. It had some real advantages, although it certainly wasn't perfect (I will elaborate later if people want to hear). It was more or less like her treating me like one of her children. But now she wants to go much further and says she wants me to be her "slave". And before anyone thinks this is some kinky leather game with whips and chains, she doesn't mean it like that. She doesn't read kinky erotica, has no interest in BDSM or reading "50 Shades of Gray". She just wants me to obey her all the time. I told her that I can't go to that extreme, at least not at this time.
> 
> I was wondering if anyone else here was in a similar situation, and if it worked out for you? And how did it work?


My Wife is definitely the Boss in our marriage, and She calls the shots in our house. I am Her fully subordinate husband, and completely under Her supervision in all areas of our marriage - outside the home and in the home, outside the bedroom and in the bedroom.
I know my place and do as I'm told or I answer to Her, and it has worked wonderfully throughout our 20 year marriage.
She controls the finances, manages the money, gives me an allowance, and if I want any additional money I must ask Her for it and explain myself, and it is then entirely up to Her whether She will grant my request or not.
She makes the decisions, often without consulting me, and when She does give me permission to give my input or opinion it is understood that She will make the final decision, and if we disagree on any thing She will over rule me.
My Wife holds me responsible for all of the domestic chores and household duties - grocery shopping, cooking, washing the dishes, doing the laundry, and the housekeeping, and She holds me accountable to Her for doing my husbandly household duties and housework to Her satisfaction.
She is loving and affectionate as long as I am man enough to know my place and remain Her properly submissive and obedient husband. Although She grants me sexual release and love making, She is totally in control of our sexual relationship and the bedroom, and I am often required to serve Her orally only, with no sexual release permitted by me.
Needless to say, while She is loving and affectionate, She is also a firm-Handed, no nonsense Disciplinarian. If She feels I have misbehaved or displeased Her any way She will not hesitate to take Her hairbrush or paddle to my bare husbandly behind and sternly scold me, then order me to the bedroom and keep my mouth shut until She gives me permission to come out.
It works for us! Neither of us would want it any other way.


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## GusPolinski

[email protected] said:


> My Wife is definitely the Boss in our marriage, and She calls the shots in our house. I am Her fully subordinate husband, and completely under Her supervision in all areas of our marriage - outside the home and in the home, outside the bedroom and in the bedroom.
> I know my place and do as I'm told or I answer to Her, and it has worked wonderfully throughout our 20 year marriage.
> She controls the finances, manages the money, gives me an allowance, and if I want any additional money I must ask Her for it and explain myself, and it is then entirely up to Her whether She will grant my request or not.
> She makes the decisions, often without consulting me, and when She does give me permission to give my input or opinion it is understood that She will make the final decision, and if we disagree on any thing She will over rule me.
> My Wife holds me responsible for all of the domestic chores and household duties - grocery shopping, cooking, washing the dishes, doing the laundry, and the housekeeping, and She holds me accountable to Her for doing my husbandly household duties and housework to Her satisfaction.
> She is loving and affectionate as long as I am man enough to know my place and remain Her properly submissive and obedient husband. Although She grants me sexual release and love making, She is totally in control of our sexual relationship and the bedroom, and I am often required to serve Her orally only, with no sexual release permitted by me.
> Needless to say, while She is loving and affectionate, She is also a firm-Handed, no nonsense Disciplinarian. If She feels I have misbehaved or displeased Her any way She will not hesitate to take Her hairbrush or paddle to my bare husbandly behind and sternly scold me, then order me to the bedroom and keep my mouth shut until She gives me permission to come out.
> It works for us! Neither of us would want it any other way.


LOL.

You're probably going to get flooded w/ e-mails any minute now.

But hey... maybe that was the point.

:lol: :rofl:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blondilocks

Your wife could be frustrated because you deploy and she's the boss. You return and now she has to share the decision making, tolerate your viewpoints and not have her way all the time. She's trying to simplify the process by making herself the boss all the time.

It's your call as to whether you can handle being a 'yes' man for the duration of your marriage. Your ego could take a hit and her respect for you could take a hit. 

Personally, if someone wants to have their way all of the time, then they need to stay single. Marriage is about compromise. No one ever said being a military wife was easy.


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