# Isn't wroking - need ideas?



## MrVanilla (Apr 24, 2012)

*Isn't working - need ideas?*

Since my LW has asked for changes, I’m dealing with unfamiliar conditions. If I stimulate her with my hand/fingers, and bring her to O before we engage in any other activity. (although she appreciates this) if it happens first, her ‘muscles’ (being polite) tighten. She’s made more than one reference about how I should appreciate this tightening as a ‘good thing’ for when we get to PIV during the same event. 

Except that I don’t have an appreciation for this tightening because we aren’t getting any younger, and if she O’s first, and we then eventually move on to PIV, there’s usually a noticeable reduction in natural secretions and this means that the PIV experience becomes uncomfortable for me – and not a good thing at all. 

The easy solution is for me to stop doing this… but she’s been insistent that I pay her needs more attention - except that paying those needs more attention in this way is making the overall experience less satisfying for me. Now I know it’s not all about me - which is why I’m trying to pay her more attention! So, I need to find options that give her more without my losing incentive. 

Yes, I talked to her about a solution. She kidded me saying the best answer for her would be ‘use your saliva’ but she knows that this isn’t possible for me. I’m trying to increase my incentive, not destroy it entirely. 

Anyone have ideas?

MrV


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## MrVanilla (Apr 24, 2012)

CharlieParker said:


> How old is she? She is naturally luberific with manual stimulation?
> 
> What's wrong will bottled lube?



47, usually, bottled goes way too far the other direction.


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## MrVanilla (Apr 24, 2012)

Lila said:


> Try Coconut Oil.


Excellent idea! 

I should also say that this condition was never an issue until I began with the hand stimulus to O, so I can't really speak to how things might have been before... 

I'm wondering if this is all my fault to begin with and perhaps I shouldn't be doing that? Maybe if I didn't take that to fruition? Or what other sorts of things might I do that could give her more attention and perhaps not have this result? I just don't have a clue.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

I find it hard to understand how the natural secretions from when she is turned on suddenly vanish after she orgasms. Also that you say subsequent PIV is uncomfortable for you but apparently it is not uncomfortable for her, since you have not reported any complaints from her. If things are too dry in my experience it is generally very uncomfortable for the woman.

How about doing stuff like a really sensual massage that takes her to the edge but not quite over it?


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## MrVanilla (Apr 24, 2012)

ClimbingTheWalls said:


> I find it hard to understand how the natural secretions from when she is turned on suddenly vanish after she orgasms.


I never said they suddenly vanished, but they are not what they were before and diminish.



ClimbingTheWalls said:


> Also that you say subsequent PIV is uncomfortable for you but apparently it is not uncomfortable for her, since you have not reported any complaints from her. If things are too dry in my experience it is generally very uncomfortable for the woman.


Subsequent PIV is uncomfortable for me, and it seems to me that it may be somewhat uncomfortable to her given her actions. However, she hasn't vocalized any direct complaint. She has said that she enjoys 'discomfort' at times, and I have no idea if this is one of those times.



CharlieParker said:


> Finding a lube that works for you both will require a bit of trial and error, and what works well now may not in a couple years.


Thanks for this. First lube I've ever tried.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

Dont compain about sex to her! 

Bad sex is better than no sex - if you piss her off/offend her and she witholds........ .

I have encountered what you suggest where after her orgasm the sensation of intercourse is diminished for the male. 

In my experience its as though the muscle tone down there changes along with the type of lubrication and the sensation of intercourse changes

On a more practical level why not suggest alternating sex styles. That way you both share ideal sex and not ideal sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

To offer anything to suggestions, some more info might help. What changes did your wife ask for? Was she wanting more or less sex? What brought about her request for you to pay her needs more attention to her during sex?

Keep in mind that the majority (75%) of women do not orgasm during PIV. Does your wife? If she does not and you are not willing/wanting her to O before by manual stimulation, then she will be left frustrated and not satisfied with sex. Are you willing to do anything for her satisfaction after you are satisfied if you don't like bringing her to O beforehand?

What did your comment mean about not able to use saliva as lubricant when your wife jokingly suggested it (probably not really a joke for her)? What do you mean regarding that when you say you trying to increase your incentive and not destroy it?


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## MrVanilla (Apr 24, 2012)

Abc123wife said:


> What changes did your wife ask for? Was she wanting more or less sex? What brought about her request for you to pay her needs more attention to her during sex?


She wants more, not less and was apparently bored with what we had.



Abc123wife said:


> Keep in mind that the majority (75%) of women do not orgasm during PIV. Does your wife? If she does not and you are not willing/wanting her to O before by manual stimulation, then she will be left frustrated and not satisfied with sex.


She's in the 25%. No issues with O's during PIV. 



Abc123wife said:


> Are you willing to do anything for her satisfaction after you are satisfied if you don't like bringing her to O beforehand?


Anything? No, not anything. Things we can agree on, Yes - and it's not that I don't like bringing her to O beforehand, it's very recent that we've done this, and there seems to be consequences I'm unfamiliar with. 



Abc123wife said:


> What did your comment mean about not able to use saliva as lubricant when your wife jokingly suggested it (probably not really a joke for her)? What do you mean regarding that when you say you trying to increase your incentive and not destroy it?


She joked about saliva as lubricant because she knows full well the very idea of oral sex (either way) makes me physically nauseous. My response would be to flee/escape. It's an instant turn-off.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

MrVanilla said:


> She wants more, not less and was apparently bored with what we had.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Sounds to me like she doesn't want to spend the rest of her life with no head....

What I mean is...that wasn't a "joke" about the saliva. If you're unwilling to do this, you guys are not sexually compatible. She will always want it you will never give it. Frustration and resentment will build for both of you.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

sinnister said:


> Sounds to me like she doesn't want to spend the rest of her life with no head....
> 
> What I mean is...that wasn't a "joke" about the saliva. If you're unwilling to do this, you guys are not sexually compatible. She will always want it you will never give it. Frustration and resentment will build for both of you.


hardcore!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

wow, sounds like you have some serious issues regarding her Vag! Do you have other obsessive compulsive behaviors, like washing your hands ever 5 minutes?

Get over it...seek professional help if you need it.

You should at the least be willing to lick her clitoris. Get a dildo and use it inside of her as you lick her clit. Get something to flavor it, like wine, whipped cream, peach creamy marmalade....
if you need it. But your rejecting her ***** is a bit of an insult to her. Figure out why you are having the problem, and fix it.

On another site, a woman asked is men like the taste of her private parts, and she got around 100 men responding that they love the taste, all in short order.


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## MrVanilla (Apr 24, 2012)

We were sexually compatible for over eighteen years. Suddenly she changed and wanted more sex and different sex. My preferences have not changed, but I’m trying to do what I can to meet her new demands. This means trying and doing new and different things to improve the experience. 

It does not mean engaging in activities that would ruin the experience. If I tried something new in the bedroom that she absolutely hated and that new thing ruined the experience for her, I wouldn’t try doing it again. It doesn’t matter what that new thing is, if it ruins the experience then you don’t do it again. I have that respect for her and she has the same respect for me. 

The goal here is to find things to enhance our experience, not things to detract from our experience. If you have any ideas or suggestions to meet these goals, I’d appreciate hearing them. These ideas and suggestions cannot include oral because oral has already been determined as a detractor.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

With a name like Mr Vanilla you may switch off after I say try a blindfold - but hear me out.

You could possibly bring her very close to orgasm without actually getting her there by trying a blindfold and then teasing her with different touches and temperatures. For example, you could draw a silk scarf slowly across her belly, or even caress her through it. You could tickle various parts of her body with said scarf, or a feather e.g. her neck, breasts, arms, inner thighs. You could try rubbing a piece of ice on her nipples (make sure the ice has started to melt first so it is wet). There's all sorts of stuff you could try and if you switch up where you are going to touch her next and with what the anticipation could be quite intense. You would also be able to watch her reactions and see what was really doing it for her and what wasn't.

Then do the PIV to finish off, either with or without the blindfold in place.


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## MrVanilla (Apr 24, 2012)

ClimbingTheWalls said:


> With a name like Mr Vanilla you may switch off after I say try a blindfold - but hear me out.


I did, and everything you suggest sounds like something I can handle, even the ice cubes. Actual food, no, but ice cubes are possible! Thank you!


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

Good luck. If I think of anything else to suggest I'll let you know.


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## ifweonly (Feb 27, 2014)

Well sir, I would suggest that YOU celebrate that your wife's sex drive has increased. There are MANY men who would like to be in your shoes!!! Satisfy her any way that she wants and get over her parts that you feel uncomfortable with. Women love oral soooo "Just Do It"!! If a lube is needed for PIV get some Str8Cam lube. Feels very natural and will not stain the sheets!

There is nothing that I would not do for my wife --- nothing. And that has worked for over 52 years. I am suggesting that you love her the way SHE wants to be loved and enjoy every minute of it. Good Luck!


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

MrVanilla said:


> *We were sexually compatible for over eighteen years. Suddenly she changed and wanted more sex and different sex. *My preferences have not changed, but I’m trying to do what I can to meet her new demands. This means trying and doing new and different things to improve the experience.
> 
> It does not mean engaging in activities that would ruin the experience. If I tried something new in the bedroom that she absolutely hated and that new thing ruined the experience for her, I wouldn’t try doing it again. It doesn’t matter what that new thing is, if it ruins the experience then you don’t do it again. I have that respect for her and she has the same respect for me.
> 
> The goal here is to find things to enhance our experience, not things to detract from our experience. If you have any ideas or suggestions to meet these goals, I’d appreciate hearing them. These ideas and suggestions cannot include oral because oral has already been determined as a detractor.


The frequency part of the equation may be due to menopause being in her near future. There are a number of stories where women see an increase in libido prior to menopause. Alternatively, she may have had a change in her libido due to a correction in her hormone levels, i.e. going on or going off birth control or getting her thyroid regulated.

Alternatively, she may have always been more into sex and simply not communicated this to you. Especially if you have OCD tendencies, she may have kept her desires to herself until now.


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## MrVanilla (Apr 24, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> The frequency part of the equation may be due to menopause being in her near future. There are a number of stories where women see an increase in libido prior to menopause. Alternatively, she may have had a change in her libido due to a correction in her hormone levels, i.e. going on or going off birth control or getting her thyroid regulated.


Perhaps both… a correction in hormone levels changing birth control, and it’s possible she’s nearing menopause. I'll accept whatever reason for the sudden increase of libido. It’s there, I know it’s there. I need to find what I can do about it! =)



Plan 9 from OS said:


> Alternatively, she may have always been more into sex and simply not communicated this to you. Especially if you have OCD tendencies, she may have kept her desires to herself until now.


The only reason she’s given for keeping these desires to herself was that she was 'waiting for me' to come to her and express my desires - except I’ve never had any desires like the ones she’s mentioned. Nor have I ever been diagnosed with any OCD behavioral traits. 

However - when your wife of nearly two decades starts asking you for something, and you don’t know what that something is… yes… I spend a lot of time trying to figure it out. What husband wouldn’t? 

I was first sexually active at age 17, met my LW at age 33, and only once in all the years & women between did anyone ever ask for oral. I tried, and it was an awful experience. Up until that point I would have received oral, but never again afterwards. 

Experiences influence behavior and where many people might see oral as a great opportunity, I see it as a bad thing. It’s a difference in _perception_. 

My LW and I have many such differences in perception. I’m doing what I can do to overcome these things that I perceive as unusual. Having any kind of lube is strange to me. Bringing her to O before PIV… is different for me. I’m out of my element; it’s all very odd. I do not have the preconceived outlook that so many other people do because those people had positive experiences with a different activity or partners that wanted to experiment. 

This is where it gets really difficult for me. Since I don’t perceive these different activities as alluring or exciting, they don't enhance my experience - but if it works for her, and if I'm able to do it… then I’ll give it a try. The problem is trying to find things I'm sure I can do. =)


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

You know when I was a kid I had certain foods I detested, as i got older someone made me try some of them again and they weren't anything like I remember them being. Just saying it might not be as bad as you remember.

Lube is a perfectly natural thing to need at this point, we use one by sliquid also but we use this one Amazon.com: Sliquid Satin Natural Intimate Moisturizer Lubricant - 8.5oz: Health & Personal Care


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

MrVanilla said:


> This is where it gets really difficult for me. Since I don’t perceive these different activities as alluring or exciting, they don't enhance my experience - but if it works for her, and if I'm able to do it… then I’ll give it a try. The problem is trying to find things I'm sure I can do. =)


Hats off to you for trying.

I do agree with the suggestion that oral might not now be as awful as you remember. However, even if you decided to pluck up the courage to try again that could cause a problem. If you are unable to disguise your feelings of "ick" then she will not enjoy it and it may damage the relationship.

If you were willing to see whether you could overcome your aversion to oral then my advice would be to take it very slowly. Use foreplay to kiss or lick or gently bite her body. Particularly her thighs, hips or belly. That way you can gradually approach the area but if you suddenly get the "ick" factor before you get there you can just move further away again as part of the general teasing and then switch to doing something else.


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

Agreed even just appreciating the area is appreciated. I love it when my husband kisses my belly, the belly that has changed drastically over these last 18 yrs from carrying our 6 kids and age! Appreciate what you can of her body letting her feel adored! For me that does more than the "hot spots" to light my fire!


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