# Why choose my best friend, I feel like a fool, help



## Falcon88 (Sep 16, 2012)

So me and my girlfriend have been together for about 3 1/2 years. We've lived together since we started dating and have a 16 month old son. I am 24 she's 21, we met through a friend she was his ex... He wasn't to happy with me for it, ended our friendship, kinda ironic. 

Our relationship started out good, moved very fast obviously, too fast. We had to move from our apartment 90mi away, back to my hometown and stay with my grandparents. We couldn't afford to stay and take care of our child because she was out of work. I did'nt want a child but I left the decision to her. When she gave birth it was the happiest I'd ever been. I had never felt tears of joy until that day. Fast forward 14 months, in July I find out that she is cheating on me with my best friend, the only person I still hangout with from high school. 

I've always felt like I've carried most of the load in the relationship. But I knew that I would going into the relationship, my gf had a rough up bringing bounced around homes, her mom wasn't there for her, no father or family. Her mom abandoned her and stepdad a week before she was suppose to go to college. She asked me to drive 700mi to Missouri, I did it and drove back and went to school the next day. She couldn't stay in school no help financially no support from anyone except me. So she drops out and moves in, best time of my life. After moving home I have no job so I take care of our son and she works from home on web. Things are still good but the stress of the baby, doing all the cooking and dealing with tension between my gf and grandmother begin to get to me. 

I get a job 6 months after my son is born. I work at a electronics distributor and the majority of my co workers are my age 18-25. A lot of temptation but I never sought the attention of anyone I was there to work for my family. Word got to me that someone thought I was cute. Turned out to be the girl that all the guys were drooling over but not me I acted like I didnt notice her. I had a family didn't want to lose it... After a while she started coming up to me talking to me flirting I made sure she knew i had a relationship and child. She didn't care about that, we didn't talk much but knew she liked me. I start losing intrest in my gf and noticing all these other women and wondering if I could have them too. So the girl breaks up with her bf and she let's me know I tell her I'm sorry shell find someone etc. She walks up to me and gives me her number "since I didn't ask for it". I start feeling like I don't need my gf, that she's a drag and that I can do better she is pretty so it's not about looks. But I do still want my family I still care about my gf I'm all she has and my parents are divorced and I didn't like it. So I text the girl one night were arguing she wants me to come over, I tell her I can't but I wish I could etc. To let her know I do want her... We never do anything I only texted her twice. 

I move to a different dept. At work find out another girl likes me. I never get her number or anything but we talk at work sometimes and I actually develop feelings for this girl. She has kids and no help one of her kids father works with us and treats her bad. I felt bad for her I felt sorry for her and I wanted to help her but I couldn't leave my family. I kinda fall for the "woman in distress" same with gf who cheated she needed my help. The girl does sexual moves when I'm around (shaking butt, bending over) she tells her friend "why couldn't she talk to someone like me". 

I start to treat my gf like I don't care. She tries to talk to me I just say yeah or ignore her all together. I tell her she's annoying call her a *****. When we argue she would threaten to leave I tell her to go ahead and leave, knowing she has no where to go and nothing with out me. I start to use her perfume to get complements from the girls at work when I hug them. I tell the people at work how annoying she is that I don't lover and wish I could get rid over her. I tell my best friend these thingshow annoyed I am with her and I tell him about the girls liking me and what I thought of them. I tell him that I will never marry 
her... 

My best friend got his gf pregnant around the sometime I did. We hadn't talked in a while because I was with my gf and we lived far apart. When my gf and I moved we started hanging out as couples with kids. At some point my gf starts talking to him and they have sex 5 times before being exposed by his gf. I feel bad for treating my gf so bad, for not loving her. But the way she did me just hurts so bad. The last time we all hung out together was the 4 of July. She's always slow getting ready I told my friend, he told me to tell her "she didn't have to impress anybody" they were having sex already I dint know. We hung out had fun but she was his other girlfriend not mine. I helped him move things invited him over and they were with each other. I feel like a fool she says she loves me and I'm who she wants to be with. I just can't stop thinking about how bad I got played right in front of my eyes she's hanging out with her new bf. I want to forgive her but I don't know if I can get over who and how she did it. I never cheated I couldn't but she did and know I feel like I can never be enough of a man to her I never thought she would go so low.

Should I keep trying to give her another chance?
Did I deserve to be cheated on? I feel like I'm at fault for not being a good man and putting her first. I stopped kissing her, telling her I love you I didn't take her anywhere not even to the store with me. I didn't buy her anything or try to make her feel special. She would tell me how lonely she was how depressed she felt but I didnt pay it much attention. She tried to warn me but 
I got angry. I feel like I pushed her to this but I can't truly forgiver her.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Dude you and your chic had an unhealthy relationship, sure maybe that was part your fault but at the end of the day how one handles the sh!tty relationaship or there marriage is what counts.

Your chic handled it by deciet and lies were as an honorable womne would have told you she was stepping out and leaving.

Get it? 

It not your fault she handled the bad relationship the way she did by sleeping with some one else. Real honest women will stand face to face with you and tell you like it is....not your...no she hid it from you.....a betrayal that is hard to get past.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Another thing, your chic needs to learn that there are consequences for making bad choices and one of them is losing you.

Your chic will gain nothing by you keeping her. and it will most like rersurface the next time the relationship gets tough. maybe even with the same guy...who know maybe in the future she will have a rotation since she see's that her behavior has no consequences.


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

So, girls start flirting with you, and you didn't do anything but started treating your gf like sh*t? I don't get it. Maybe I missed something there... 

To me, it sounds like you're both not treating the relationship as seriously as you should be - especially since you have a child. Goes for both of you. You were both young when you chose to bring a child into this world, and that is a game changer right there. 

Throughout your life there will be people attracted to you. Some may come on to you, flirt with you, etc. And same for your gf. It's part of life, and it always will be. Part of being in a LTR is to figure out how to handle these situations - to stay true to your family - no matter what temptation is dangled you way - while respecting your partner and her feelings. You shouldn't have pushed her away and treated her like dirt, but *she shouldn't have cheated on you* either. 

Time to grow up. Relationships are hard, and it only gets harder once you've started a family. Go to counseling or choose to separate. Either way, you both need to put your baby's needs in front of your own. 

No one deserves to be cheated on. But it sounds like there's a lot more problems there than just the affair.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Falcon88 said:


> Did I deserve to be cheated on? .


Hell no,

Like I said before if you treated your chic like crap well then she had the choice to stay and tolorate it , dump you like a sack of sh!t, or lie and decieve you.

The point is she had choices and she made the worste possible one, that will define her for ever enless she gets some professional help to understand why she is the way she is. Why she can't dumb some one but has to decieve them to avoid the tough choice to face the issue/s.


Lets just say we should all feel sorry for the next guy that gets caught in her web.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You two have made bad decisions. Your wife the worst, but you are both at fault.

You have a child, make sure you are both the best parents you can be, no matter what happens with you as a couple.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You did not deserve to be cheated on. 

From what you said in your own words you did deserved to be dumped.


You can both fix this. My suggestion is that you try to recover your relationship first. You are both young and immature. You both obviously have no clue what a good relationship looks like or how to make it work. But you can both learn.

Here’s the path I suggest for the two of you.
Get the book “Surviving an Affair” by Dr. Harley. Both of you read it and do the things the book suggests.

Then get the books linked to below for “His Needs, Her Needs” and “Love Busters”.

These books will teach you how a healthy marriage works and how to affair proof your relationship in the future. 

You are both young. Give it a good try for your child and even for yourselves.

If the relationship does not work after all that you will know that you did everything you could to save it. So you can move on to separation knowing in your heart that you fought for your child and for what is right. Plus, after reading all that material and working through it you will go into a new relationship knowing how to make it work.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

What type of " best friend " goes and have sex with his
" best friend's " woman behind his back FIVE TIMES?


Man you need to get rid of that " best friend."
And maybe,
Your Girlfriend too..........


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

I'd say drop the relationship. Theres just too much resentment here that neither of you are dealing with.

She resented and cheated on you because you ignored her for so long.

You resent her for her cheating. 

Neither one of you is good at communicating, which anyone can see from that post.

So either shes gonna cheat again or you're gonna have a revenge affair, one of the two. 

Her problems are her problems, just break up.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'd say drop the GF. She didn't just cheat 5 times, she had you hang out with the OM and humiliated you. That's not just cheating, that's nasty and cruel.

It's also shows that deep down she neither loves you nor respects you as a person. Why do I say that? I say that because someone who loved and respected you would not subject you to that kind of humiliation. They would be feeling so guilty and sad that they could never do what they did even once, not the five (or even) more times that she did it.

As for the OM, I hope you've not only purged him from your life, because he is a pure scum bag, but also posted him on Cheaterville.com, because other men need to be warned about what a piece of trash he is.

Do not get married to your GF - she's a cheater who without any guilt humiliated you. You'll have to pay child support, and you should seek shared custody - but she's shown how she really feels about you through her actions. Her words are nothing but lies.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> I'd say drop the GF. She didn't just cheat 5 times, she had you hang out with the OM and humiliated you. That's not just cheating, that's nasty and cruel.
> 
> It's also shows that deep down she neither loves you nor respects you as a person. Why do I say that? I say that because someone who loved and respected you would not subject you to that kind of humiliation. They would be feeling so guilty and sad that they could never do what they did even once, not the five (or even) more times that she did it.
> 
> ...


This as well. She was probably getting sick pleasure at you being buddies with the man who was giving it to her behind doors. 

She clearly doesn't respect or love you to put you through that kind of humiliation. 

Yep, it just be better for all involved if you just split. 

You're not married so please just split and be done with it.

To cheat with a stranger is horrible.

To cheat with her BF's friend, enemy, rival , etc then this is a selfish and heartless woman and you need to head for the hills before you find just how much so. 

Don't believe her lies. Remember, while you're chatting with him she was watching and enjoying you making small talk with her true lover.

Only reason it stopped *ONLY REASON IT STOPPED* was because the OM's gf found out about it and exposed. She never came to you, and if that didn't happen, they would still be fking each other to this very day. 

Chew on that while you say you want to forgive her.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Dump her. It's obvious reading your post that you two are still very immature. Take this as a learning experience and gtfo. Neither of you are ready for a real relationship.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

bottom line: Your GF chose the OM. the OM chose his own GF. Your GF is now looking at being alone with a kid to raise - so of course she's saying all the right things. The trouble is she didn't so any thing right - her actions not only don't back up her words, they call them out as absolute lies.


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## Falcon88 (Sep 16, 2012)

That's the part that gets me, she did it with my "bf". She says she had no one else to talk too and felt so lonely and i know she did i wanted her too. I was the only person in her life I know I let her down but she killed me. We still see each other, hang out and have sex. I want it to work but I don't know what to believe. She says shell do anything keep us together but i don't know if its possible to get over something this bad. Then on the other hand I've seen people forgive murderers and rapist. I think this is on the same level...

Most of you say move on, were not married but we do have a kid together it bonds us more than marriage. I can never completely move on shes my sons mother and we still have to raise him. And I hate the thought of another man raising my son disciplining him or worse, she was abused, what if he's abusive? 

She seems remorseful but I don't know if it's because she got caught or if shes truly sorry. She stooped so low its sickening. She wants to move back in with me. 

Is there anyway to tell if shes truly sorry?

What should I ask her to do to prove to me she's sorry?

Do marriage counselors tell you if your relationship can be saved?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Marriage counsellors teach you how to listen to each other. they don't change your personal values so that you hate cheating.

The question is has she become remorseful. Remorse isn't saying you're sorry, remorse is a person changing inside because of the pain their actions have caused. It's when a person realzes their choices hurt another person, and they change because the can never deal with doing that again.

The fact that she did him numerous times, and only stopped because she got caught - says she isn't remorseful, or even guilty feeling. she stopped cheating because her AP got caught.

Is she willing to tell friends and family what she did?

Is she will to post OM on cheaterville.com ?

Is she willing to stand on the busiest street corner in town and say " I cheated. I regret the pain I caused, but the decision I made. I wish I could go back in time and not have sex with the scumbag OM."


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## Falcon88 (Sep 16, 2012)

Everything you're saying is true and I feel the same way. I've tried to break up with her she cries saying she's sorry. It's not like a fake cry it seems real and she begs me to take her back. I don't know if it's because shes afraid of being alone. I told her I would cheat on her and that I met someone else but she still begs me take her back. She says she didn't think I loved her and I didn't think I did until this happened... 

Can upbringing have any influence on her actions and should it be 
considered?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

It sounds like you are asking her to agree with you breaking up with her.

the thing is it, isn't a vote - it is you alone choosing to be with her or without her.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Yep. If you're expecting her to just come out and say "No I'm a selfish bitc*, you're better off leaving me" Its not gonna happen.

You choose it or you don't. And if you don't make a choice, its choosing to stay.


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## The bishop (Aug 19, 2012)

Ditch her. If not there will be more decEit in both you futures. Your BF behind your back... Smh


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

You two are mismatched. Maybe you both can be coparents, but your relationship is not satisfying either of you. You're both cheating and just together out of habit. Just break up, split the parenting responsibilities, and move in. Work on your insecurities in the meantime do you'll be stronger for the next GF.


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## DH1971 (Sep 15, 2012)

Falcon88 said:


> So me and my girlfriend have been together for about 3 1/2 years. We've lived together since we started dating and have a 16 month old son. I am 24 she's 21, we met through a friend she was his ex... He wasn't to happy with me for it, ended our friendship, kinda ironic.
> 
> Our relationship started out good, moved very fast obviously, too fast. We had to move from our apartment 90mi away, back to my hometown and stay with my grandparents. We couldn't afford to stay and take care of our child because she was out of work. I did'nt want a child but I left the decision to her. When she gave birth it was the happiest I'd ever been. I had never felt tears of joy until that day. Fast forward 14 months, in July I find out that she is cheating on me with my best friend, the only person I still hangout with from high school.
> 
> ...


Karma.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Falcon88 (Sep 16, 2012)

Sometimes I do feel like its karma... But then I really dont know how long it went on only what she tells me.. why act like you love me, when deep down you hate me enough to sleep with a friend?


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Karma is a fallacy. You are in charge, make your own choices. You need a new set of friends, a new job, a new place to live ON YOUR own and work on yourself before you try to get involved into a serious relationship because you are involved with toxic friends who only exacerbate waywardness. 

Listen to your conscious/gut, make your decision. I know you have a child but you don't have to marry her, this isn't love it was lust and it was a mistake. The foundation was shot from the start, the premise of your whole relationship is was never logical/sound.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Maybe I'm nuts, but I see more than one affair here. OP, you were having emotional affairs (EAs) while at work. You treated your GF like garbage and emotionally checked out of your relationship while you fed your ego and flirted with girls at work that showed you interest. I'm sure you did not post anywhere close to the whole truth. Did you talk about sex with these other girls? Did you decide that your GF was not worth the time or effort and decided to throw your energy into chatting up these other girls? Well...you cheated on your GF first. She actually had a revenge affair. However, since you thought it would be grand to make her feel isolated in your hometown with no one else for her to talk to. I took sections of your OP and highlighted the parts that I thought proved that you checked out of your relationship and exhibited all of the signs and actions of a spouse in an EA. 

Your GF was wrong to cheat on you with your best friend, and I won't excuse that behavior. But you also cheated on your GF emotionally and I will not excuse the fact that you cheated. You told everyone in your circle that you did not want her and she was nothing but a burden. Reread your paragraph that I put in red. You were no different than the d!ck that threw his GF away that you felt so sorry for. Again, it's my opinion that she did not cheat on you per se...she had a revenge affair because you cut her out of your life and decided to fill that void with the girls at your job. 



> I get a job 6 months after my son is born. I work at a electronics distributor and the majority of my co workers are my age 18-25. A lot of temptation but I never sought the attention of anyone I was there to work for my family. Word got to me that someone thought I was cute. Turned out to be the girl that all the guys were drooling over but not me I acted like I didnt notice her. I had a family didn't want to lose it... After a while she started coming up to me talking to me flirting I made sure she knew i had a relationship and child. She didn't care about that, we didn't talk much but knew she liked me. *I start losing intrest in my gf and noticing all these other women and wondering if I could have them too.* So the girl breaks up with her bf and she let's me know I tell her I'm sorry shell find someone etc. *She walks up to me and gives me her number "since I didn't ask for it". I start feeling like I don't need my gf, that she's a drag and that I can do better* she is pretty so it's not about looks. But I do still want my family I still care about my gf I'm all she has and my parents are divorced and I didn't like it.* So I text the girl one night were arguing she wants me to come over, I tell her I can't but I wish I could etc. To let her know I do want her... We never do anything I only texted her twice.*
> 
> I move to a different dept.* At work find out another girl likes me. I never get her number or anything but we talk at work sometimes and I actually develop feelings for this girl. She has kids and no help one of her kids father works with us and treats her bad. I felt bad for her I felt sorry for her and I wanted to help her but I couldn't leave my family. I kinda fall for the "woman in distress" same with gf who cheated she needed my help. The girl does sexual moves when I'm around (shaking butt, bending over) she tells her friend "why couldn't she talk to someone like me".*
> 
> *I start to treat my gf like I don't care. She tries to talk to me I just say yeah or ignore her all together. I tell her she's annoying call her a *****.* When we argue she would threaten to leave I tell her to go ahead and leave, knowing she has no where to go and nothing with out me. I start to use her perfume to get complements from the girls at work when I hug them. *I tell the people at work how annoying she is that I don't lover and wish I could get rid over her. I tell my best friend these thingshow annoyed I am with her and I tell him about the girls liking me and what I thought of them. I tell him that I will never marry her... *


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## Falcon88 (Sep 16, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Maybe I'm nuts, but I see more than one affair here. OP, you were having emotional affairs (EAs) while at work. You treated your GF like garbage and emotionally checked out of your relationship while you fed your ego and flirted with girls at work that showed you interest. I'm sure you did not post anywhere close to the whole truth. Did you talk about sex with these other girls? Did you decide that your GF was not worth the time or effort and decided to throw your energy into chatting up these other girls? Well...you cheated on your GF first. She actually had a revenge affair. However, since you thought it would be grand to make her feel isolated in your hometown with no one else for her to talk to. I took sections of your OP and highlighted the parts that I thought proved that you checked out of your relationship and exhibited all of the signs and actions of a spouse in an EA.
> 
> Your GF was wrong to cheat on you with your best friend, and I won't excuse that behavior. But you also cheated on your GF emotionally and I will not excuse the fact that you cheated. You told everyone in your circle that you did not want her and she was nothing but a burden. Reread your paragraph that I put in red. You were no different than the d!ck that threw his GF away that you felt so sorry for. Again, it's my opinion that she did not cheat on you per se...she had a revenge affair because you cut her out of your life and decided to fill that void with the girls at your job.


Thanks for that post I feel the same way... And yeah I posted everything, no reason to hide on the internet... I never flat out discussed sex with them just kinda danced around the subject, flirting. 

I was thinking of letting her read the whole thread but now I don't think I should... she might change her mind if she read it... Ans I miss her so bad now. I want to talk to her now.. Its weird I didnt want her when she was here, she cheated, I kicked her out and now I realize what she means to me. but now its like my gf*. 

Its just hard to think about her with my friend... but I guess it would'nt have happened if I had been there for her when she needed me. I feel like I gouged my own eye out and it hurts really bad..


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