# Not sure what to do



## UserBob (Nov 11, 2014)

A couple of years ago I was suspicious about my wife so I broke into her facebook (I know another topic) My suspicions were confirmed, she had been sent nude pics to a guy she met and was planning to meet up. I walked out, I came back. About 18 months ago my wife drunkenly sent pics of her bare breasts to a guy overseas. She drunkenly told me about it months after it happened. Again I left but came back, then I found they were friends on fb and he had sent a message of a heart to her (didn't break in this time) so I told them both how I thought it was inappropriate etc etc but they remained friends on facebook and still chat (yes I broke in again) while I see no evidence of anything inappropriate being sent I still think it is a betrayal to continue to have contact with him. A I being too precious? should I lighten up?


----------



## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

UserBob said:


> A I being too precious? should I lighten up?


Nope. She lost her right to FB freedom - at least with that guy - when she sent the pix of her nòrks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

UserBob said:


> A couple of years ago I was suspicious about my wife so I broke into her facebook (I know another topic) My suspicions were confirmed, she had been sent nude pics to a guy she met and was planning to meet up. I walked out, I came back. About 18 months ago my wife drunkenly sent pics of her bare breasts to a guy overseas. She drunkenly told me about it months after it happened. Again I left but came back, then I found they were friends on fb and he had sent a message of a heart to her (didn't break in this time) so I told them both how I thought it was inappropriate etc etc but they remained friends on facebook and still chat (yes I broke in again) while I see no evidence of anything inappropriate being sent I still think it is a betrayal to continue to have contact with him. A I being too precious? should I lighten up?


 Sending nude and topless photos to other men is called sexting, and sexting is cheating. She has done this multiple times that you know about, and has done it other times that you do not know about. Her continuing contact with men that have nude photos of her when they communicate with her, is a further betrayal as her relationship with them is not strictly platonic, and never can be. She will continue to cheat as long as there are no consequences or boundaries. You do not need to lighten up, as you are already too light with her. You need to put your foot down and set boundaries. Basic boundaries are as follows:

1) Other then in the bathroom there should be no expectation of privacy in marriage. Looking at your spouses emails and texts is not wrong. Going forward, there needs to be full transparency where both of you share all passwords without complaint. 

2) Once you cross the line with someone of the opposite sex, there is no turning back to them being friends ever again and you must agree to full no contact with such people for the rest of time.

3) Most couples have boundaries that do not even allow for friends of the apposite sex. Those that do allow it, require that these friends be friends of the marriage and of the spouse. Since her current boy toy is not your friend or a friend of the marriage, she cannot keep in contact with him. Based on you wife's pattern of inappropriate behavior with members of the opposite sex, you should go with no friends of the opposite sex, as she is a proven serial cheater and cannot be trusted.


----------



## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Patterns have been established, thus you need to do something to break out of the status quo.

Your wife has established a pattern of cheating.

You've established a pattern of giving her lame consequences. 

Boundaries need to be established and enforced.

What are you willing to do to break the pattern?


----------



## UserBob (Nov 11, 2014)

Thinking of leaving


commonsenseisn't said:


> Patterns have been established, thus you need to do something to break out of the status quo.
> 
> Your wife has established a pattern of cheating.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

You're not being too precious. She is clearly in the wrong. My inclination is that if she did it once, it can be repaired but the fact that she did it more than once and continues to chat with this guy means it's a pattern that she isn't willing to break and she doesn't value the marriage.


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

UserBob said:


> A I being too precious? should I lighten up?


Bob you don't need a answer to the questions above do you?

You are just afraid of the implication of your wife's behavior and of the actions they call for.

Your gut is right! Man up, because you ignore it at you peril!!


----------



## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

UserBob said:


> Thinking of leaving
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


An accepted doctrine here at TAM is you must be WILLING to lose (or leave) the marriage in order to save it. 

This attitude of self respect is vital in establishing and enforcing boundaries and consequences, thus the health of the marriage.


----------



## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

commonsenseisn't said:


> An accepted doctrine here at TAM is you must be WILLING to lose (or leave) the marriage in order to save it.
> 
> This attitude of self respect is vital in establishing and enforcing boundaries and consequences, thus the health of the marriage.


:iagree:


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

@OP: Now that it has been established that your wife is a serial cheater such that you are thinking of leaving her, you should request that this thread be moved to the infidelity section.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Wouldn't it be terrible if those pics wound up in her family's hands or her boss' hands or her friends' hands? Just sayin'.


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I guess I'm wondering why your wife still has a FB account? That's the first thing that should have been nixed once she'd proven she was willing to use it for sexting. 

If she's not willing to give up her FB, then she's pretty much telling you - right to your face - that FB is more important to her than her marriage....or you. Are you okay with that?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She's still doing it because you still allow it. You keep coming back. She has no fear of you leaving.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

turnera said:


> She's still doing it because you still allow it. You keep coming back. She has no fear of you leaving.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:
That in a nutshell sums it all up.


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

What are the jollies one gets from sending nude pics to men they will never meet?

never mind..........


----------



## RV9 (Sep 29, 2014)

Something really scary about the Internet is it may be a month, a year, a decade - if you load risqué pictures, they will stay and eventually circulate. If someone is willing to send nude pics, I hate to think how bad it'll be once they decide to have a full-on affair.


----------



## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

commonsenseisn't said:


> ...
> Your wife has established a pattern of cheating.
> 
> You've established a pattern of giving her lame consequences.


Yup.

The fact that she still has him as a friend and chats with him should be a deal breaker for you. She knows that you are putting up with it, so she lost even more respect for you.


----------



## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

tulsy said:


> Yup.
> 
> 
> 
> The fact that she still has him as a friend and chats with him should be a deal breaker for you. She knows that you are putting up with it, so she lost even more respect for you.



Yep, and by the way your wife may also have a drinking problem.


----------

