# Possibly a Mental Illness???



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Wife and I have been separated for about a month. The idea of the separation was just to get out of each other’s faces and cool down. My wife was having an EA – says its over – and continues to say that she wants to come back home in six months when her lease is up.

She came over on Christmas Eve to be with the kids, but she spent a lot of time in the bedroom. She has health issues, but I was still surprised and disappointed that she spent her time napping and playing on her computer.

Today I looked at the cell phone bill for the first time in a few weeks and found that she has started texting/calling a NEW man and was *sending a lot of texts while in the bedroom at our house on Christmas Eve WHEN SHE SHOULD HAVE BEEN SPENDING TIME WITH HER FAMILY.*

*I AM PISSED.*

The new guy she is texting – I really can’t imagine that she’s doing anything but relishing the attention she’s getting. I am friends with him on Facebook – grew up with him at school – he is NOT someone my wife would find attractive. His biggest asset is TIME, as he doesn’t seem to have a full time job and doesn’t get to see his kid too often due to some kind of problem in his past.

I am starting to wonder if my wife is mentally ill. She seems to be seeking as much attention as possible and is not “picky” about the source. We are supposed to be having as little contact as possible, so she can’t get this attention from me. When we were together, I was focused on raising the kids, so she wasn't getting "extreme" attention from me then either - which is what I think led to her 2 EA's in the last 6-7 months.

My question – *do I let her know how PISSED I am about Christmas Eve*, or do I just continue to keep (and add further) space between us during this 6 month “trial” separation?

I could always save it for marriage counseling next week - but I am just so mad I would love to just scream at her! 

Christmas Eve!!???!?!?!!?!?!? WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!?!


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

hi, 
It does sound like she really has her priorities screwed up, I feel for you, why do others just hurt us so willingly. I don't know what is wrong with some people.
don't worry about she sounds like she needs some more time to figure out what she wants. It sounds to me it isn't working on her marriage or family......
You need to take care of yourself and your family
good luck and scream here all you want


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

nice777guy said:


> Wife and I have been separated for about a month. The idea of the separation was just to get out of each other’s faces and cool down. My wife was having an EA – says its over – and continues to say that she wants to come back home in six months when her lease is up.
> 
> She came over on Christmas Eve to be with the kids, but she spent a lot of time in the bedroom. She has health issues, but I was still surprised and disappointed that she spent her time napping and playing on her computer.
> 
> ...


Having a trial separation to fix an EA? Sorry, this is beyond ridiculous.

Your woman is going to get attention one way or another. If you are not the man to do it, then she WILL find another man.

And this man does not have to be "attractive" as you put it. All he has to be is man enough to show your woman he desires her.

And then you will be left in the dust.

Pull yourself together, decide if you want to save your marriage.

If you do, forget these notions of "trial separation" or any other version of "giving a woman space".

To give a woman "space", you may as well just hand her a note that reads you are not man enough to show interest in her.

Until you fix this nonsense, things will continue to go bad for you.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

BBW:

Since my wife became disabled, I have been the primary parent to two beautiful young children.

Her latest friend - as I understand - isn't allowed to even see his one child.

I will not live an unbalanced life in order to please someone who I'm starting to see wants everything to be centered around HER.

Focusing on myself and my family does NOT make me less of a man - in fact, it makes me MORE of a man than any of the idiots who have given her attention lately.

Thanks anyway.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

And I'm not even sure that things are going "bad" for me at this point. I don't really miss her. What pisses me off the most right now is the lack of respect that she is showing our children.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

hey don't let your anger consume you, be the best you you can be. that's all you can do. 
I think she wants the attention and is caught up in the whole me thing and until she realizes that she won't understand how you or the kids might be feeling, not sure if there is anything you can do to help her, hopefully she will come to her senses before she loses everything. You have to be there for your kids, she isn't really thinking of them right now......
I hope she gets things worked out for herself and you have an answer soon, one way or the other, and remember she isn't the only one here that can make a decision, if it isn't right for you, then accept that and make a new life for you and your children


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I think the offensive part is you thought of the visit as a chance to move closer. And she saw it as visiting the enemy, shut herself into the bedroom to cope with that.

This separation you think of as helpful to your marriage? It's not.

Her definition of what it is is not your definition of what it is--even if she tells you otherwise.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

About 7 years ago - after the birth of our second child - she was brifely diagnosed as being bi-polar II. Meds and therapy helped, and things had been fairly normal, and the diagnosis was changed to "Anxiety otherwise unspecified."

Regardless of what you call it, so much of what she's doing fits the bipolar mold. Her activities have put her marriage - and therefore her financial stability at risk. Her sex drive has increased - when we are on speaking terms. She doesn't seem to be able to acknowledge right from wrong. Sometimes I think she truly believes she's not done anything wrong - like she's believing her own lies.

And now this crazy need for attention. Obsessing over Facebook and extreme amounts of texting. A different class of friends - ignoring calls from old friends.

Maybe I'm in the wrong section, but I'm afraid that there aren't enough people reading the "Depression" board on here to respond.

This could actually be another manic cycle. Its just taken longer and manifested itself differently than ever before.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Regardless of what or why - she needs to begin to feel the consequences of her actions. Maybe I do need to "Man up" - but not by giving in to her childish need for attention, but by letting her lie in the bed she's made. Wish her good luck and be on my way.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

nice, so sorry your going thru this. mental illness sure sounds like a possibility, or some physical illness yet diagnosed. my wife has just been diagnosed with an over active thyroid and when i read up on the symptoms, i was floored, all applicable to my wife and her moody behavior. coupled with the likely onset of menopause and i have a volatile ****tail of WTF going on. while i am very sympathetic to the causes of the behaviors, i am not sympathetic that she hasnt sought help more aggressively. your wife either just doesnt care about the damage she is doing or is so out of it she doesnt realize it. i find the latter would be hard to believe. she needs help but would have to agree to get it, and thats where the real problem lies. The EA is inexcusable, especially when flaunted in your face.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Okey - Her thyroid has been tested. Not an issue. 

If she is truly mentally ill, then isn't it actually possible that she doesn't see it? Especially since I've been to freakin' nice and patient about the whole thing? Like an alcoholic, why seek treatment if she's suffered no ill consequences because I've been there to cover her ass?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

And I think her EA might actually be over. This latest guy is filling the void. 

With the last two guys I wondered why was she going out for hamburger when she had steak at home. Now its like she's going out for bologna with the latest guy. Her standards have sunk low enough that I actually don't think she'd want to have any kind of affair with this guy. BUT - her self esteem is so low that I think she is feeding off of the attention. And - since he has no family and works part time (roofing), he has plenty of time to talk to her - especially if she's leading him on.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

nice777guy said:


> BBW:
> 
> Since my wife became disabled, I have been the primary parent to two beautiful young children.
> 
> ...


I like a lot of what BBW has to say, but the overall concept doesn't apply to all situations, and certainly not to situations where the woman is disturbed - as your wife most certainly is.

That was a hell of a response NG. I mean that in a good way.

I have posted a good deal in the past about the difference between someone committed to reconciling, and someone that just wants to make you believe they are committed to reconciling.

She is well aware that you make her life easier. So she may be crazy, but she has gotten smarter. If she can give you just enough of what you want ... she gets to continue doing what she wants.

If she is being intimate with you, it's predatory, and goal oriented - and the goal isn't about rebuilding your marriage.

This is your life with her. This will always be your life with her. This isn't someone you should choose.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

nice777guy said:


> BBW:
> 
> Since my wife became disabled, I have been the primary parent to two beautiful young children.
> 
> ...



I understand your point and agree on these things: 

It is never the good idea to try to please your woman as a "nice guy" as I have discussed this often other threads. This is correct.

It is absolutely right for you, the good man, to be focusing on your children and yourself, even if it means being willing to leave your woman in the dust to do so. Even better for her to know this is how it is. This is also correct.

What is not correct, is if you are wanting to repair the marriage, to do it by giving your woman "space".

Maybe saving your marriage is not your goal.

That is up to you to decide, but is not clear from your first post, since you seemed genuinely surprised that she is continuing to contact other men. 

I say again, because it is a fact, that giving a woman "space" is poison to a relationship.

To give a woman "space" to fix an EA is double poison.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

BBW - I really didn't feel I had much to lose when I agreed to the separation. I had hoped it would give me time to get out of the heat of the moment and consider what *"I"* want. After one month, I'm still not sure what I want to do.

Also, I kind of felt it was like giving her enough rope to see if she'd hang herself. She's tightened the noose, but there's still a pulse as far as I can tell.

I feel I took somewhat of a chance, but I actually think the initial EA is over - for whatever reason. Maybe she overcommitted and scared him away - I may never know.

And I really do believe she's slumming if this new guy is anything more than a way to kill time. I really wasn't that suprised that she's talking to another man - I've been chatting with people/women - but not excessively - and not on Christmas Eve. 

Everything about her right now is way over the top - an exaggerated version of who she was before.

I am curious though how many people believe what you say about giving a woman space - that it's always wrong and is "poison?" Why is it poison?

I find it hard to use the word "always" when talking about relationships (or women). No absolutes and no two are alike.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I'm also wondering if my name is helping people determine their opinion before fully considering my situation.

Maybe I'll resurface as hard777ass and see if the responses change!


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

nah, your screen name is irrelevent. sounds to me like your wife is a bit screwy. dont mean to sound harsh, i can completely relate and it drives me nuts. i am tired of having to adjust to which wife i will get day to day


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Crazy sets the agenda.

Why? Because crazy is always ready to go over the top. Normal folks don't know how to react to it, so give in to this form of bullying manipulation.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Thanks guys. Now I'm picturing my wife dressed and made-up like Heath Ledger in The Dark Knight!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Change the 7's to 6's ...

Nice guy does not equal weak guy. I don't accept the label. 
I'm a nice guy. I'm a giver not a taker. I'm more selfless than I am selfish.
I neither seek out, nor enjoy conflict. 
I think a smile and kind word demonstrates more character than a dismissive, icy stare.
I am not hyper-competitive. I am not arrogant. I am generous, kind, self-effacing. Nice guys don't always finish last - we just don't give a sh!t about always finishing first.

I have come to terms with what I'm about and how I operate. I _will_ openly give you an opportunity to harm me ... just to see if you will do it. Because that tells me about who you are. Then I will give you a chance to respond and own it. If you flunk both? Eff you. You get to meet angry guy, and to quote Bill Bixby, "You won't like me when I'm angry."

At this point NG, I'm not concerned about the choices you are making, because I believe ... and I think you do to, that you fully recognize what they cost you. You aren't wearing blinders. One of these days she is going to make one bad decision too many - and mental illness or not, your own well-being is worth more than she can ever possibly offer you. You're going to be fine. Her? Given the behavior she finds acceptable, I doubt it.


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