# Caught wife 7 months ago



## Nitro68 (Mar 3, 2013)

Last night wife brought up our friend join a fitness Center. I made comment hope you not thinking about going ? Because I told her i don't really trust you going to a place full of men working out. Its too early for me to trust her 100%. I still dealing with the pain from the affair she was having for 2 years with her co worker. More hard to  trust her since she was 44 years old and he was 22 years old..But anyway.. she got very defensive when I told her i wouldn't trust her going to fitness center. She barely spoke a word to me since yesterday when I first told her about that.. Was I out of line expressing my feelings about that ??

Forgot to add this... The affair ended 7 months ago when i caught them......


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

With that track record I wouldn't trust her either. By the way how did you catch them?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Out of line - HELL NO.

She should be happy you gave her a second chance and you are still with her. If the 2 yr affair with a man half her age was physical, I would have divorced her and never looked back.


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## Nitro68 (Mar 3, 2013)

tom67 said:


> With that track record I wouldn't trust her either. By the way how did you catch them?


Hi Tom... thanks for advice... I catch her when she forgot to log out of her email account.. I first thought it was my email account until i started reading the emails.. Thats when I found out she was having affair.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

As a former cheater, my first thought is you're well within your rights to ask her not to do that. 

My second thought though, is if there's any reason why BOTH of you can't join and go together. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nitro68 (Mar 3, 2013)

TDSC60 said:


> Out of line - HELL NO.
> 
> She should be happy you gave her a second chance and you are still with her. If the 2 yr affair with a man half her age was physical, I would have divorced her and never looked back.


Hi TDSC.. Thanks for advice.. Yes,, i only gave her second chance because I love her very much..


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## Nitro68 (Mar 3, 2013)

PBear said:


> As a former cheater, my first thought is you're well within your rights to ask her not to do that.
> 
> My second thought though, is if there's any reason why BOTH of you can't join and go together.
> 
> ...


Hi PBear.. thanks for your advice..She never said she wanted to join the gym.. She just telling me our friend join the gym and then i express my feelings to her that wouldn't trust her if you wanted to join..


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I am not sure what type of work you have put into rebuilding the marriage. Have you discussed boundries. Where are the stop signs?

I would suggest that if she wants to join a gym maybe that is something you do together. What has she done to rebuild the trust?


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## Shoshan1290 (Mar 5, 2013)

mahike said:


> I am not sure what type of work you have put into rebuilding the marriage. Have you discussed boundries. Where are the stop signs?
> 
> I would suggest that if she wants to join a gym maybe that is something you do together. What has she done to rebuild the trust?


This. A million times this. 

She can get indignant all she wants. It seems like she is under the impression that you should trust her just because. Doesn't work that way. She needs to be actively making reparations.


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## Nitro68 (Mar 3, 2013)

mahike said:


> I am not sure what type of work you have put into rebuilding the marriage. Have you discussed boundries. Where are the stop signs?
> 
> I would suggest that if she wants to join a gym maybe that is something you do together. What has she done to rebuild the trust?


Hi Mahike.. Thanks for the advice.. Too long story to talk about the boundaries and stop signs.. But as for rebuilding the trust ? Not much.. she still very defensive..


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## Nitro68 (Mar 3, 2013)

Shoshan1290 said:


> This. A million times this.
> 
> She can get indignant all she wants. It seems like she is under the impression that you should trust her just because. Doesn't work that way. She needs to be actively making reparations.


Hi Shoshan.. thanks for advice.. Yes I agree.. She think i should just sweep the affair under the rug and forget all about it. I told her its not that easy for me to forget but i am trying the best i can..


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Sounds very similar to my attempt at R. Bro, she is still thinking that it wasn't THAT big of a deal. You should be over it by now.

I don't know how to tell you this, but she probably won't get it until you actually divorce her and move on.

I really don't think my exWW realized what emotional pain was until I remarried. Maybe she thinks that you will always be her safety net.

Wish we could change things in the minds of cheating spouses. Change yourself, and decide that the old marriage is over. You might stay with her, but what you thought you knew is gone.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Does your wife believe you will divorce her if she cheats again? Will you?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Does your wife still work with this coworker? I hope not.


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## Nitro68 (Mar 3, 2013)

illwill said:


> Does your wife believe you will divorce her if she cheats again? Will you?


Hi Will...yes she does...Yes I would in a heart beat!


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Apparently your wife suffers no guilt from her lengthy affair. I wonder if she feels you "had it coming". Did she explain why she felt entitled to have an affair? Have you cheated on her during your marriage?

IMO your marriage is on very shaky grounds and you are trying to ignore the vibrations. You need to have a 'heart-to-heart' talk with her about your lack of trust. 

Do you have kids? Is that why you stayed?


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Tell her you plan to join a women's volleyball team as their road manager and see how she feels about it.


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## Nitro68 (Mar 3, 2013)

tom67 said:


> Does your wife still work with this coworker? I hope not.


Hi Tom... no but the guy quit that job.. but they still were seeing each by meeting at different places..


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

She needs to do some heavy lifting trying to rebuild the marriage. She is not getting it. At 44 she is having a mid life crisis. We hunt, drink and buy Harley's. She is more worried about aging, fitness then your marriage would be my bet.

You really need to be in MC.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I hope your OP was tongue in cheek. Of course you don't trust her yet. I haven't read any of your story yet, but I'm shocked that you and her are actually going to R. In fact, I'd warn her that if she shows one bit of pouting because you don't trust her, that you are done with R and will divorce her ass. She has ZERO room to make demands on you. 

I hope she is like and open book, checks in regularly and gave you full access to all of her electronic devices, e-mail and social media sites.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

I have a theory that if more spouses simply filed for divorce right after DDay, you would avoid-trickle truth and gas lighting. Only taking them to the brink will force them to value the mercy given to them. I'm not saying you should have left, but filing asap shocks the to their core. After a 2 year affair she needed the fear of God put into her. It obviously was not and I actually don't think she believes you will divorce her.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

mahike said:


> She needs to do some heavy lifting trying to rebuild the marriage. She is not getting it.



Is the heavy lifting from the path of reconciliation and reparation not heavy enough for her that she needs to consider joining a gym to get some more lifting in?


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I have a question for you if you don't mind.

If the roles were reversed and you were screwing a young hottie for two years behind your wife's back and putting her health at risk for STD's; do you think she would be rugsweeping and being so forgiving and accepting as you have been and just forgetting about it?


I am always amazed when a betrayed spouse says that I still love my spouse who humiliated and disrespected me in the worst possible way by having sex for two years with another person behind their back. Why would you love a person who enjoyed destroying your relationship and humiliating you for such a long period of time? I just don't get it. Why don't you think you deserve better than this?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I'm sorry to tell you this: You're in False R. She's not truly remorseful and she's showing it to your face. The truly remorseful WS would be compassionate toward your feelings, not defensive. If you're getting this attitude after only 7 months, then she will continue the affair or find a new OM at this gym


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> I'm sorry to tell you this: You're in False R. She's not truly remorseful and she's showing it to your face. The truly remorseful WS would be compassionate toward your feelings, not defensive. If you're getting this attitude after only 7 months, then she will continue the affair or find a new OM at this gym


I was debating whether to say this ^^^^ because it is exactly how I see it. I just wanted to hear more information - the more I hear the less promising it seems.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

First Nitro, she cheated which means you can never trust her again. Second, to put humpty dumpty back together again will require the guilty party to willingly be on a short leash to assuage the innocent party. She doesn't appear to be willing to be on a short leash to assuage you. What does that tell you? Sounds to me like she my want to keep her options open.


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## Malcolm38 (Dec 25, 2012)

With all due respect...watch your back. With a defensive answer like the one you got I don't think she is all that remorseful. Be careful.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Okay I need some clarity. 

Did she ask to join the gym?
Were you guessing at why she brought it up?

If it is the second, you guys need counseling. I know it is hard, but you don't want to start arguments out of thin air. At least see where the conversation goes before dropping the "I don't trust you" bomb. 

I'm not saying she wasn't going to ask, but let it come up. I found myself picking unnecessary fights and it isn't right no matter how wrong she was with her EA.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

When your wife 1st started spreading her legs for her lover, he was maybe just 20 yrs old---he was a F'in teenager---what is your wife's problem?????

Now she is challenging you, about the gym-----unless the 1st words out of her mouth were, I WANNA JOIN A GYM AND WORKOUT-----you know da*n well she is going to check out guys

You need to lay it on the line with her---she either starts showing some accountability, and F'ing acts like she WANTS to be your wife---or tell her she can start to prepare to defend a D., action----and that is what you NEED TO SAY TO HER------stop all this *****footing around

Had you played hardball in the beginning---her attitude would not be what it is now---had you played hardball in the beginning---if you said jump---her answer would be "how high"----

SHE DOES NOT EVER GET TO CHALLENGE YOU ABOUT ANYTHING AT THIS POINT----and you need to make that clear as crystal to her----if she doesn't understand---go get her clothes, throw them out in the yard, and tell her she is free to pick them up, and leave----make sure she understands, you can live VERY NICELY WITHOUT HER!!!!!!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Your wife isn't working on the marriage, that much is clear. She's upset you don't just jump back in and foolishly trust her again,


We she needs to realize,you will never ever trust her without question again. Never. She chose to throw that trust away and laugh at it.

Next time she pulls another stunt like that ask her, "if you don't really want to work on this marriage, why are you here? I gave you the gift of a second chance, yet you don't see it as a gift , you see it as a burden. Maybe you are all talk about wanting to stay."


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

> Hi Tom... no but the guy quit that job.. but they still were seeing each by meeting at different places..



*Whoa!!! *How do you know he quit his job? Did you expose the affair to HR department? What about the family? And you really think you can trust her after ONLY 7 months and she is STILL seeing the man she cheated on you with???? 

This is not reconciliation and she expects YOU to do your best to get over it. What has she done to show you how remorseful she is for her actions? What has she done to gain your trust? How does she expect you to do that when she is still seeing the OM? I think she is playing you for a fool.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Very bad news. Silent treatement becuase she's not trusted at 7 mo? My guess she has not put the bare minumun effort to rebuild your trust.

Please, elaborate, what has she made to fix what she broke?


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Acabado said:


> Very bad news. Silent treatement becuase she's not trusted at 7 mo? My guess she has not put the bare minumun effort to rebuild your trust.
> 
> Please, elaborate, what has she made to fix what she broke?


Go back and read his first post..You will understand..

Nitro

I´m sorry but your wife does not seem to even have some
respect for you... Why ,beside you love her do you wanna reconcile??


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Tell her she can join the gym if she signs a post nup.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011: Athol Kay: 9781460981733: Amazon.com: Books


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Nitro,

It is natural that trust once broken takes a real long time to come back. She had A for 2 years. 

My question is should you be really bothered about it? Would you heal yourself first?

AU


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## Mtts (Apr 16, 2012)

I may be a bit jaded now but the more I read these the more I've come to the conclusion that broken things in almost all cases aren't worth trying to fix. Getting a new thing, in this case starting over, is probably better.

I say this as, living a life of suspicion and careful watching seems exhausting. Hell, I'm exhausted based on what I found out and it wasn't nearly as gritty as 90% of the stories on here. 

Obviously your call, but to me a life of "watch my back" seems like an awful waste. Short term pain of starting over, at least from my realitively young eyes, is outweighed by many more years of happiness without that burden.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

This marriage is not recoverable given what we know from this thread.


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