# Avoiding attractive women



## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

So now that FWH has shown he is capable of cheating, I avoid attractive women in friendships and other relationships that would bring my H in frequent contact.

In the process of hiring after school care for my son, my top applicant is very pretty and young. Married with her own children but still.

I find myself hesitant. H will pick up DS there from time to time. Do I really want to risk it? Do I even want the thought to be on my mind?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

You can't prevent him from cheating by censoring who he deals with. You cannot control him, you can trust that he will do the right thing, if he doesn't then TRUST that you will be able to leave him.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

It is tough and I fully understand...my H's EA was with a filipino women so now when we are out and I see an attractive filipino girl my anxiety goes from a 0 to 10 instantly.

No advice but just to do what you feel comfortable with.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Most of the time, the more you want to control someone the more they will pull away. If he sees you are confident about yourself and can live without him, He will be more aware of what he has to lose. If you are controlling him and freaking out about losing him he will take you for granted and know you will put up with his behavior.

I am not saying it's easy to do nothing, and I truly do understand your feelings, but this is no way to live. You need to do this for your sanity.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

You can't possibly keep all the attractive women in the world from interacting with your husband! So stop trying. If you can't get over him simply picking up your child from childcare, maybe it's time to call it quits......


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

StandingInQuicksand said:


> So now that FWH has shown he is capable of cheating, I avoid attractive women in friendships and other relationships that would bring my H in frequent contact.
> 
> In the process of hiring after school care for my son, my top applicant is very pretty and young. Married with her own children but still.
> 
> ...


I think it's awful you have to live with the fear that he can't control his penis just because a woman is attractive. This is why I couldn't follow through with R. Living in fear is no way to live.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

SIQ,

I agree kind of with your premise but that is really for your husband to do. I always knew that I had the ability to cheat so I never put myself in that situation.

I don't go to Men's clubs. I don't have female friends that I go out with alone. I don't talk to female friends alone. If I do it is very rare. I don't idolize actresses or models. IT's not that they aren't pretty. It's that as someone posted before. My GF is the ONLY beautiful woman in the world and the rest are just people we share the world with. It's how I choose to see the world because I don't want to do something terribly stupid and ruin my relationship with her.

You can't force him to do it. He has to choose to do it himself. I hate to say it but the more you try to pen him in, the more he will want to run. Be the awesome woman you are. Remind him gently why he is with you and if he is STUPID enough to mess that up make sure he knows he needs to pack his bag and get out!


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

StandingInQuicksand said:


> So now that FWH has shown he is capable of cheating, I avoid attractive women in friendships and other relationships that would bring my H in frequent contact.
> 
> In the process of hiring after school care for my son, my top applicant is very pretty and young. Married with her own children but still.
> 
> ...


Totally understand your POV. Here is a different angle from a man's perspective.

An affair partner is often not as "pretty" as the loyal spouse. I think pop culture has placed too much emphasis on the looks. 

If he is a cheater, he might find it easier to get an average looking woman. Not saying this to make you feel less at ease, or more fearful. Unless you husband is has an extremely high sex rank, he will strike-out more with attractive women, and score more with average ones.

I think you should not be trying to control him, as others have stated, but that you should give him bounderies and consequences.

If he has betrayed you, he should be more than willing to avoid ALL potential affair partners. Not just those that you think are pretty.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Either he's remorseful or he isn't. If he is, then you have nothing to worry about. If he isn't, nothing you do will change what he does.

Take a step back and look at what you're doing. You're thinking of not hiring the most qualified person to look after your children. Your CHILDREN. Simply because of her looks. You are willing to compromise on CHILDCARE because of this. That is not right. If this is the point it's gotten to, then you really should call it quits.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Agree with Lovemytruck, he's the one that needs to prove himself worthy of you. He is the one who screwed up, he should be terrified of losing you. You need to lay out the terms of the reconciliation and the consequences of any indiscretion. Take it or leave it, no negotiating he should be jumping through hoops to prove he's worthy of another chance.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

In my 25 year career in high tech I've noticed that male executives who love their wives tend to hire unattractive or older female admins. They spend way too much time at work with their admins and they do this to make their wives more comfortable. The moral of my story. Your husband should be regulating himself if he wants to stay in the marriage. On the other hand its never smart to bring a hot young women into your home. The home is an intimate space.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

I understand the trust is loss. 
And I understand you are wanting to protect yourself. 

But if he can't keep it in his pants, and you worry 24/7 that he is looking at attractive woman, and wanting to have affairs with them, what is keeping you in this marriage?

I mean, he has proven he won't stay loyal to you. 
And if he isn't bending over backwards to prove that what keeps you in this marriage?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

StandingInQuicksand said:


> So now that FWH has shown he is capable of cheating, I avoid attractive women in friendships and other relationships that would bring my H in frequent contact.
> 
> In the process of hiring after school care for my son, my top applicant is very pretty and young. Married with her own children but still.
> 
> ...


Might not help. My revenge AP was known to my wife and was not really physically attractive. Certainly nowhere near as attractive as my wife.


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## luravua (Jul 25, 2013)

No advice but just to do what you feel comfortable with.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I feel the same around attractive women too. Very uncomfortable. Only because he makes me so though. I can't be bothered with mine anymore though. 

I think the best advice so far is to loosen the grip. Show him you are just fine with or without him. If he screws up, he loses. 

Give him enough rope to hang himself....if he so wishes. And then you know.

Mind you, you already know don't you. How remorseful is he? How much effort does he put into fixing things and into making you feel secure?


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Enginerd said:


> In my 25 year career in high tech I've noticed that male executives who love their wives tend to hire unattractive or older female admins. They spend way too much time at work with their admins and they do this to make their wives more comfortable. The moral of my story. Your husband should be regulating himself if he wants to stay in the marriage. On the other hand its never smart to bring a hot young women into your home. The home is an intimate space.


Ha! Well I guess none of the execs at my company love their spouses then because our admins are almost exclusively young and attractive ... or maybe I'm just getting old and have lower standards, lol


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

Attractive doesn't matter many here will say their cheating spouse went with some one less attractive then themselves, easier conquest I guess. From a man's point of view I see women all the time who look appealing(no I have not or would cheat) from younger than my wife to older, just saying super model or not some men just have to get it done and it won't matter what the girl looks like.
Maybe instead of worrying about how good looking the women he might be in contact with are see about keeping him out of dangerous situations and identifying what would make him cheat in the first place (I know some people just do no matter what). What's the book affair proof the marriage, think it's been listed on here try that , or is there a chastity belt for men?


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

A couple of clarifying points. 

- I'm not saying all interactions with attractive women can be avoided. But where there would be interaction in a home alone...I'm just not comfortable with it
- I'm not trying to control him - I'm trying to control my own stress level
- he does currently avoid interactions with women that aren't in a group setting or for work of his own accord
- I know APs aren't always the hottest. Neither the potential sitter nor the AP are more attractive than me. I'm confident with my looks, I just know that someone who is attractive can catch the eye and then usually also has a more outgoing/confident personality
- the sitter seemed the type to be flirty - her H was quite hot too by the way
- my mind can too easily picture her batting her eyes at H while describing DS's antics at pick up time
- the care would be in her home, I have other qualified candidates but she has kids that DS would enjoy playing with more than the others
- I don't think my H would do anything...but I didn't think he would before either so I can't trust him nor my own understanding of him
- he is remorseful and has been doing things to rebuild our marriage

Thanks for the feedback. I'm going to go with sitter #2 - for my sanity!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

And I think it is great when execs hire women they would not be attracted to on purpose.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

StandingInQuicksand said:


> And I think it is great when execs hire women they would not be attracted to on purpose.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Like that one dentist who fired the assistant for being too hot. 

Turns out there was more to the story. After 10 years working together, they were flirting, and he was participating. 

Best to avoid the situation, and give yourself some comfort too.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Sorry, but too many WW's and WH's hook up with real toads for that to work......

the woodchuck


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

The reason Perry Mason never boinked his secretary was because Earl Stanley Gardner was...And married

the woodchuck


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

StandingInQuicksand said:


> So now that FWH has shown he is capable of cheating, I avoid attractive women in friendships and other relationships that would bring my H in frequent contact.
> 
> In the process of hiring after school care for my son, my top applicant is very pretty and young. Married with her own children but still.
> 
> ...


My husband never cheated, and hasn't done anything to make him doubt him. AND I STILL DO THOSE THINGS ! 
Not because I don't trust him. But because I know his taste in women, and want to avoid temptations. Of course, I can't control who crosses his path at work, on the street, etc- but where I have a say, I prefer women his type as far as possible.

To me, it's not about the physical act- it's him yearning to have physical contact with another woman, investing emotions and dreaming of her, that would kill me.
So, can't blame you.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Hortensia said:


> My husband never cheated, and hasn't done anything to make him doubt him. AND I STILL DO THOSE THINGS !
> 
> it's him yearning to have physical contact with another woman, investing emotions and dreaming of her, that would kill me.
> So, can't blame you.


WOW, you spend a lot of time projecting your thought processes on to your husband.........

My wife often go's into her BR, and comes out a couple of hours later p!ssed off at me....

She is having mental conversations with herself about me, my actions, and my motives, with no input from me......

I have started a fight with her without having any contact whatsoever with her....Does that seem healthy????

Does that sound familiar??


the woodchuck


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