# Long Term Relationship Problems/Emotional Affairs



## elapid (Jan 13, 2010)

My wife and I have been together for 20 years. During our time together, we have moved frequently and both made sacrifices, she more than me. We are both poor communicators and very rarely discuss our feelings and thoughts. We have also had a poor sexual relationship: we haven't had sex for 5 years and it has been scarce for at least 15 years. This is despite a relatively stress-free home life (I am a good provider and do the majority of the house work) and frequent vacations to nice places. I have given up trying to have sex with my wife because of the constant feeling of rejection. About 4 years ago, my wife confessed that one reason for our bad sex life was she was still having thoughts about a long-time ex-boyfriend but was working with a therapist. A few months later I asked how she was progressing with her therapist and was told "it is not on my radar". I definitely have my faults and have been selfish and independent during our relationship, sometimes to the point that I do not know why she stayed with me. 

More recently, I have become increasingly frustrated with our lack of communication and intimacy and this lead to me being very negative about our relationship. I had decided to end our relationship, but only after she had completed a certain task. 

In the meantime, I started an emotional affair with someone at work. I withdrew from my wife and treated her badly by ignoring her, which affected her ability to complete her task. Anyway, she found out about my "affair" and my intention to end our relationship. 

During this confrontation, we communicated better than we ever have and discussed many things. One of the most heart breaking things about our discussion was that she has been wanting children for 4 years and now that opportunity may be lost now that she is 40. She knows I wanted children and said she only ever thought of me as the father of her children. Other than this revelation, she also does not trust me because of my emotional affair. 

So we are now wanting to see a therapist to discuss our relationship, whether it can be salvaged, and if not to learn from our mistakes. But to salvage our relationship, she wants to address her lack of trust in me because of my emotional affair. I feel that this is disregarding why we got into this situation in the first place, namely a chronic lack of intimacy and poor communication. I don't see much chance for salvaging our relationship because of the chronic nature of these underlying problems. What do you think - should we just be addressing her trust issues in me or also the underlying problem in our relationship?

She has also demanded that I stop my emotional affair and desist from any contact with her outside of work. While I understand these terms, I am also annoyed because I believe she is just as guilty of an emotional affair when she was not intimate because of thoughts of her ex-boyfriend and I do not like being told what to do. Furthermore, I enjoy my relationship with my work friend. I look forward to work, and phone calls, emails and chats with her. I am not sure if it will go any further, but also do not feel like stopping my relationship with her because I enjoy it. I cannot commit to salvaging my relationship with my wife if I am thinking about my work friend, but it is easier to move forward for me rather than try to salvage a relationship which has chronic, perhaps insurmountable, problems and is now compounded by trust issues which may take years to recover. What do you think?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Yes, you should address the underlying cause and the EA with the therapist. She should be able to talk to the counselor about having trust issues with you from it. It sounds more like you don't want to hear the counselor tell you that you have caused some of the circumstances also. 
It sounds to me like you have already given up on your wife. You won't end the relationship with the woman you are having an EA with, which isn't going to help anything. It will only make things worse. You don't love your wife then sit down and tell her you just want out, don't put her through the pain of continuing an inapproapriate relationship with another woman while she thinks you two are sorting things out. That is very selfish. I think that might be a topic she would like to discuss too. Seems like this isn't anywhere near the first time that you have been selfish in the relationship.


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## elapid (Jan 13, 2010)

I know we are both responsible for our actions and what has happened in and to our relationship. I think a therapist will be good for both of us, if not to salvage our relationship then to learn from our mistakes. I have no problem with listening to a therapist, whether they are critical of my actions and behaviours or not. However, I do not need a therapist to point out my personal faults because I am well aware of them and the role that they have played in our relationship. I was honest about this in my OP.

Also, I never said I was going to continue with both my EA and pretend that I want to salvage my relationship. My question was do you think a 20-year relationship which has been almost sexless for 15 years and with poor communication can be salvaged, especially when compounded by lack of trust issues? I will commit to the process if I think it can be successful. 

I am seeing my therapist on Friday, but if there are any other therapists out there willing to offer advice I would be most grateful.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I think it would take a lot of change from the both of you. Women need that emotional connection in order to want to have sex. Have you tried having that with your wife, or have you just gotten to the point that you have written her off completely?

You say you don't need a therapist to point out your personal faults since you are aware of them, but are you willing to change them for your wife?? I don't mean to come off as heartless at all, I am having trouble understanding exactly whats happening. 

Are you still talking with the other woman?

Do you intend to try to work this out with the wife, or just going to counseling so you could say you tried it? ( no shame in that, I did it)

The one thing that sticks with me is where you said you don't like being told what to do. Does this play a role in the marriage getting to a bad place?


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

elapid said:


> My wife and I have been together for 20 years. During our time together, we have moved frequently and both made sacrifices, she more than me. We are both poor communicators and very rarely discuss our feelings and thoughts. We have also had a poor sexual relationship: we haven't had sex for 5 years and it has been scarce for at least 15 years. This is despite a relatively stress-free home life (I am a good provider and do the majority of the house work) and frequent vacations to nice places. I have given up trying to have sex with my wife because of the constant feeling of rejection. About 4 years ago, my wife confessed that one reason for our bad sex life was she was still having thoughts about a long-time ex-boyfriend but was working with a therapist. A few months later I asked how she was progressing with her therapist and was told "it is not on my radar". I definitely have my faults and have been selfish and independent during our relationship, sometimes to the point that I do not know why she stayed with me.


Sexual attraction and emotional connection are intertwined. If a woman is not sexually attracted to a man, she will not have an emotional connection with him, and this is nothing to do with the man being a good provider or any of these other things.

Also it is important to know a woman will have an emotional connection with only one man at a time, this is why if she is connected to an affair man, she is walled off emotionally to her husband. Often this is not obvious to the woman at the time, and to get her to explain this in words is not effective.



> More recently, I have become increasingly frustrated with our lack of communication and intimacy and this lead to me being very negative about our relationship. I had decided to end our relationship, but only after she had completed a certain task.
> 
> In the meantime, I started an emotional affair with someone at work. I withdrew from my wife and treated her badly by ignoring her, which affected her ability to complete her task. Anyway, she found out about my "affair" and my intention to end our relationship.


Lack of sex causes the man to resent the woman and withdraw, and the man withdrawing from his woman causes her to feel undesired, she feels resentment and withdraws. 

This is the "spiral of resentment", and will continue to get worse until an affair or divorce is imminent. 



> During this confrontation, we communicated better than we ever have and discussed many things. One of the most heart breaking things about our discussion was that she has been wanting children for 4 years and now that opportunity may be lost now that she is 40. She knows I wanted children and said she only ever thought of me as the father of her children. Other than this revelation, she also does not trust me because of my emotional affair.
> 
> So we are now wanting to see a therapist to discuss our relationship, whether it can be salvaged, and if not to learn from our mistakes. But to salvage our relationship, she wants to address her lack of trust in me because of my emotional affair. I feel that this is disregarding why we got into this situation in the first place, namely a chronic lack of intimacy and poor communication. I don't see much chance for salvaging our relationship because of the chronic nature of these underlying problems. What do you think - should we just be addressing her trust issues in me or also the underlying problem in our relationship?


Affairs come in when the spiral of resentment is already started. 

Her concern over your emotional affair is merely a symptom of her real problem, that she is feeling insecure in the relationship with you.

When the relationship if fixed, it will be also she is feeling sexually actractive to, and emotionally connected to, her man. 

In a woman in a relationship with a man, there is either feeling sexually actractive, or feeling insecure. Either one or the other, but always one or the other. This knowledge can help you both. 



> She has also demanded that I stop my emotional affair and desist from any contact with her outside of work. While I understand these terms, I am also annoyed because I believe she is just as guilty of an emotional affair when she was not intimate because of thoughts of her ex-boyfriend and I do not like being told what to do. Furthermore, I enjoy my relationship with my work friend. I look forward to work, and phone calls, emails and chats with her. I am not sure if it will go any further, but also do not feel like stopping my relationship with her because I enjoy it. I cannot commit to salvaging my relationship with my wife if I am thinking about my work friend, but it is easier to move forward for me rather than try to salvage a relationship which has chronic, perhaps insurmountable, problems and is now compounded by trust issues which may take years to recover. What do you think?


Only you can decide what is right for you. 

These problems you are listing are nothing new, this entire forum is full of the same "spiral of resentment" and it is absolutely reversible if the man and woman are inclined.

Regarding your EA, two wrongs do not make a right, so any resentment or spite that could be motivating you is poison to making your decisions with a clear mind. 

Also I agree, a man should not not be told what to do. If you are needing to end your EA then do it yourself. If not, then be the man to end your marriage in a timely manner, in honesty and with a clear mind. 

Either way you need to be the man making the decision for yourself, you will appreciate the strength and integrity that flows from being in control regardless of which direction you decide.

To decide yourself to end your EA and work on your marriage, will send a powerful message to your wife of your resolve, and you will be even looking at yourself with a sort of admiration of your own strength, and this strength is a resentment killer when you realize you are not holding someone else responsible for your own unhappiness.

Again, even to build a new relationship with your EA woman before you even decide to bring your marriage to a honest closure is building the new relationship on a shaky foundation.

I wish you well.


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