# Date him or friend zone?



## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

So since my break up in July from my crazy ex, I have been dating around and enjoying myself....after being in an abusive relationship I felt that I deserved some fun.

A few weeks ago I met a man when I was a bit drunk. With the goggles on, we hung out and had a really great time.

We talked on the phone daily for nearly a week and made plans and hung out.

Over this week I thought wow!!! This guy is AMAZING!!

When we hung out though, through talking, I found out a few things that are on my list of "necessities in a man I date".

1. He is in a lower socioeconomic class that I am. The reason why this is an issue for me is because I like nice things. I don't have a lot of things because it is not necessary, but what I do have is nice. Because of this difference, I feel bad. I don't want him to feel like he is less than me. He lives in a small apartment and doesn't even own a television, have a drivers license or car.

2. He is unemployed. The reason why he is unemployed is because he has crippling anxiety and was born with a condition that gives him blurry vision and glasses cannot fix, but do help a bit. I am afraid that if we go long term that he will become financially dependent on me, and with having 3 kids to support, I do not need to be supporting another person. I want a 50/50 relationship....and if we go long term, he will lose his benefits.

3. He is not my "type". He is not an ugly guy, he is regular in the looks department...which is far from what I have ever dated long term. I have always dated strong jawed, handsome Northern European looking men. He looks like the struggling artist/geek type.

4. He is insecure. He constantly makes remarks where he is belittling himself. Last night he said "when you break up with me" (he thinks we are a couple for some reason....I told him that the first 3 months of dating for me is the probation period and I give no titles).
He doesn't own a cell phone, and I asked why and his answer was so that no one can text me?

So, I do not know what to do. I really like him, he is a great person, however I think that if we were to be long term that these will become major issues.

Am I being too picky? 


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

This story sounds fishy... :fish:
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

Begin again said:


> This story sounds fishy... :fish:
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




What do you mean?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Those are perfectly valid reasons for ending a short term relationship if you want to.


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)

Run like hell. Please tell me you are not so desperate you would even consider being with this "man".


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

xMadame said:


> 3. He is not my "type".


Nothing wrong with someone not being your type. Just don't waste his time nor your time.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

rockon said:


> Run like hell. Please tell me you are not so desperate you would even consider being with this "man".




This is what I was thinking, however one of my gfs said that I was being a snob with these things and it got me over thinking.


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

He sounds like a winner. 

If you don't grab ahold of him right now you'll regret having lost the opportunity to what will be the luckiest woman in the world.


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

Begin again said:


> This story sounds fishy... :fish:
> 
> 
> xMadame said:
> ...


I think the poster said it sounds fishy because from what you said about the guy he is THE BIGGEST LOSER in the entire world, he's not at all your type, he's got major psychological issues, doesn't work, in fact he CAN'T work- EVER; he doesn't even have a cell phone or a tv or a car, which is almost unheard of in this day and age at least among developed civilized people, and yet you're making it sound like you're considering getting involved with him in an exclusive committed relationship and also saying ridiculous things like "am I being picky"; which either shows complete lack of common sense on your part or you are just posting the story to get people to shake their heads and respond in an emotional sort of way.

I am not saying that you are doing that nor inferring it because that's against the rules. I'm just answering your question to the best of my ability.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

Manchester said:


> He sounds like a winner.
> 
> 
> 
> If you don't grab ahold of him right now you'll regret having lost the opportunity to what will be the luckiest woman in the world.




Love the sarcasm 

I am going to feel bad putting him the friend zone. He is a super nice guy.



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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

xMadame said:


> He is a super nice guy.


He HAS to be a super nice guy. He has literally nothing else to offer.

In almost every city there are 100s or even thousands of super nice guys just like him, in homeless shelters, living out of boxes or in old abandoned railroad cars, or in vacant buildings. They stay warm with fires burning in large metal barrels and get many of their meals out of dumpsters behind restaurants.

The only difference between him and them is he figured out a way for the government to pay for his apartment and his health insurance.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

xMadame said:


> So since my break up in July from my crazy ex, I have been dating around and enjoying myself....after being in an abusive relationship I felt that I deserved some fun.
> 
> A few weeks ago I met a man when I was a bit drunk. With the goggles on, we hung out and had a really great time.
> 
> ...


Each of those things alone could be a problem. Bundle them all into one man and there is a huge problem.

Are you sexually attracted to him?

Exactly what makes him a great person?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If he does not have a cell phone, how do you contact him, or he you?


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

Manchester said:


> He HAS to be a super nice guy. He has literally nothing else to offer.
> 
> In almost every city there are 100s or even thousands of super nice guys just like him, in homeless shelters, living out of boxes or in old abandoned railroad cars, or in vacant buildings. They stay warm with fires burning in large metal barrels and get many of their meals out of dumpsters behind restaurants.
> 
> The only difference between him and them is he figured out a way for the government to pay for his apartment and his health insurance.




I think I was just really thrown aback when my gf said I was being a snob.

She is usually the voice of reason and made me feel like a real d-bag when we were talking about it. Said I should give the guy a chance because of how nice he is.

She made me feel bad because my last 2 bfs were University educated, handsome and she made it out like I was being a snotty b!tch because of my expectations. 


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

The answer to you title is No. Don't continue dating him. Don't friend zone him. Cut him loose and quit wasting his time.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> If he does not have a cell phone, how do you contact him, or he you?




He has a home phone and calls me.

I think my biggest issue is the unemployment. I think that if he went Back to school and upgraded his education in a field that he could find a job in it would improve his self esteem.

I could get over the looks based on how nice he is.

He really cannot get over the car/license issue and I can handle that.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

You have very valid reasons to not date him. He's not your type really and there's nothing wrong with that. 

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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

xMadame said:


> He really cannot get over the car/license issue and I can handle that.


Yeah it wont be an inconvenience having a geeky boyfriend who you aren't attracted to who can't drive who has no money and who has severe probably pathological self esteem issues, nah it wont be an issue AT-All.



xMadame said:


> I think I was just really thrown aback when my gf said I was being a snob.
> 
> She is usually the voice of reason and made me feel like a real d-bag when we were talking about it. Said I should give the guy a chance because of how nice he is.


Don't be selfish. Let your friend date him.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Is your crazy ex still stalking you?


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## Mike6211 (Jan 18, 2013)

xMadame said:


> I think I was just really thrown aback when my gf said I was being a snob .. she made me feel like a real d-bag when we were talking about it ... She made me feel bad ... she made it out like I was being a snotty b!tch because of my expectations.


With 'friends' like that, who needs enemies?


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

Manchester said:


> he doesn't even have a cell phone or a tv or a car, which is almost unheard of in this day and age at least among developed civilized people.


Really. So developed civilized people spend their days with their noses in smart phones, watching TV and polluting the environment? Never knew that.

Dump him, OP. After all, I should imagine there are hoards of handsome, well educated, affluent young men driving around in nice cars with all the latest technology, looking to prize you out of the 'fun' you're having with all the other eligible successful types trying to sweep you off your feet. They're usually on the prowl for a woman with a huge sense of entitlement, three kids in tow and a crazy ex boyfriend she's still in love with who's doing bird but will soon be out to smash him and all his sh!t up.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

If you're not into him just move on. That's part of the dating game...you meet and you get to know the real guy. If you can find that many things wrong with him then he isn't worth your time and you aren't worth his. 


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Begin again said:


> This story sounds fishy... :fish:
> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


MODERATOR NOTE: 

There is a report button for a reason.

If you doubt the veracity of another member's post do NOT call them out in the thread, use the report button, instead.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Mike6211 said:


> With 'friends' like that, who needs enemies?


You'd rather have "Rah! Rah! Rah!" cheerleaders over honest friends who tell it to you like it is?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He is partially sighted which is probably the reason he has no smartphone and no television. He can't see them well enough to bother with them, perhaps?

And that's probably why he has no job, too.

Rather than being on unemployment benefit is he on disability benefit?

You know that one attraction he has is that he doesn't beat you up, right?

Do your kids like him?

Does he like them?

What do you want to do?

Going forward could you see you, him and your kids together as a family unit?

You have had handsome hunk before. 

How long did it take for the bruises to start to fade?

And the mental scars from Captain Gorgeous? You and your kids still have them. Don't you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I'm not sure why you are questioning what you should do. He's not your type, he can't give you the life you want, you don't respect him and don't find him attractive. The only reason I could see why you would be conflicted is maybe the guy is the opposite of your ex, and that makes him safe. Is he? I'm just wondering, I don't know your story.


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

TAM2013 said:


> Really. So developed civilized people spend their days with their noses in smart phones, watching TV and polluting the environment? Never knew that.


I'd imagine there are a select few who don't watch tv, rely on friends, family and public transportation to get around and who do not carry a cellphone because they don't want or need the technology and have no interest in what's on TV (I rarely watch TV myself except for occasional football and the news). But they are few and far between and it's clear that the person who is the topic of this thread has none of those things because he has no job, no money and a severe anxiety disorder, which is of course the point of my post which you either know but choose to ignore or it went right over your head, so you're welcome in advance if that's the case for thanking me for the time and effort I just put into this explanatory post.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

Mr. Nail said:


> The answer to you title is No. Don't continue dating him. Don't friend zone him. Cut him loose and quit wasting his time.


Friend zoning a guy that is interested in you is the worst thing you can do to him. You are leading him on, when you know he has zero chance. IMO, the friendzone is mental/emotional abuse.... Just cut hit out.


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

Manchester said:


> ......has none of those things because he has no job, no money and a severe anxiety disorder.......


You don't know this. And anyway, the dude needs a break. You've done nothing but put him down.

You could put this story another way; woman in her late thirties, three kids, psycho stalker convict ex, string of previous, lots of baggage, seriously entitled, seeks white knight.


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

TAM2013 said:


> You don't know this. And anyway, the dude needs a break. You've done nothing but put him down.


Yeah, I do know he has no car and no tv and no phone because he has no money, no job, and a severe anxiety disorder. It says so right in the very first post. 



TAM2013 said:


> You could put this story another way; woman in her late thirties, three kids, psycho stalker convict ex, string of previous, lots of baggage, seriously entitled, seeks white knight.


I could but then it would be someone else's story.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Sounds to me that you answered your own question


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*You'd be far happier dating someone whose mores and social stratification greatly mirrors your own!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Date him or friend zone?

The details are immaterial. Friend zone is a fate worse than death. (ok, an exaggeration.) Either date him or move on. He cannot be a friend. Friend zone means you know the guy has the hots for you, you don't feel the same, but you like the attention that the guy orbits you so you keep him around and give him crumbs.

Yes, I am bitter. :smile2:


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

xMadame said:


> 1. He is in a lower socioeconomic class that I am.
> 
> 2. He is unemployed.
> 
> ...


You should look at your list of things you need in a partner as if you are about to be dropped off on a deserted island out in the middle of the ocean and your list is what you want to take with you to help you survive. 

Since you are coming out of an abusive relationship and have yet to have experience with marriage, I do NOT think you want to choose someone that will be emotionally and financially dependent on you. Some people have the survival skills to accommodate a situation like that, but in reality you are setting yourself up for something more challenging than you could ever imagine in the event you end up marrying this guy. 

The only thing in that list that is a plus in my opinion is that he is from a lower class, which means he is good at getting by in life without the need for brand name luxuries. That is actually a plus! The other three, plus the no drivers license thing will create challenges that you are likely not capable of handling.

In the meantime, if you want to continue a relationship or be friends with benefits, just be sure to be extremely open about what you want and that both of you understand the situation you are getting yourselves into. 

Badsanta


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Friend zone him - No

Telling him nicely that you don't have romantic feelings for him, but would be happy to be only friends - Ok, if he didn't already have feelings for you.

In your situation, tell him nicely that you don't have romantic feelings for him and someday in the future, it would be nice to be friends after a break.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

From someone who has codependent tendencies here's what I see from your post:

1. You were in an abusive relationship (ie you are codependent)
2. You within 3 months of your breakup were already dating (means you haven't solved your codependency problem before jumping into a new relationship)
3. You had an immediate and rapid connection to this guy and spent a lot of time communicating with him after knowing him for a short time (you need validation and are succumbing to the #1 red flag for any codependent in a relationship - moving very fast)
4. He is clearly a loser, and yet you are asking if you should pursue a relationship with him. You make a comment that says "it will be hard to hurt his feelings, he's nice." Solidifying the fact that you care much more about others' feelings than your own.

Your post is text-book codependency. It has nothing to do with the guy and everything to do with you. Address it and overcome it or you'll end up in another abusive relationship.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

xMadame said:


> I think I was just really thrown aback *when my gf said I was being a snob.*
> 
> She is usually the voice of reason and made me feel like a real d-bag when we were talking about it. Said I should give the guy a chance because of how nice he is.
> 
> ...


Your GF is being absurd.. does she have a BF, a husband.. does he remotely resemble anything near what you have described in your opening post ?? *Would SHE DATE HIM??* You know the answer.. the motives of some.. I just don't understand it.... a little jealousy over your last 2 educated hunky ex's perhaps at play here! 

There are plenty of really NICE people in the world.. but you are NOT .. repeat NOT compatible with him on any level , other than just enjoying talking to him..I guess..

His vision problem alone would be enough for me.. and I'm not a snob. .. I wouldn't care about what kind of car a guy drove.. though I would care he could afford a vehicle.. and had enough "work ethic" to live within his means.. These things are very very important.. just for the sake of "responsibility" - at the very least.. 

Again.. your friend.. something is very amiss there.. don't receive any of it...


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

OP, when it comes to dating you are under no obligation to be with someone just because they are nice. You should only be with someone if you're attracted to them. That's the whole point. In dating we are all allowed to discriminate based on what we find attractive. If someone isn't your type you don't owe them anything, just tell them you ain't interested. I would also reevaluate this friend of yours, I have a feeling that if you did date this guy she would run around town telling everybody what a loser you are with.


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

xMadame said:


> Am I being too picky?


Op - At a glance I don't see any controversy and unclear why this decision is difficult.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

xMadame said:


> Am I being too picky?


Why is your self esteem so low OP? How do I know this you ask?

Because A) you are considering this and B) you still want to be friends regardless.

A healthy person would of ran and went no contact on him after the first date.

You don't sound like you are ready for dating anymore than he is.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Is your crazy ex still stalking you?




He cant. He is incarcerated. 


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> He is partially sighted which is probably the reason he has no smartphone and no television. He can't see them well enough to bother with them, perhaps?
> 
> And that's probably why he has no job, too.
> 
> ...




I actually called him and we had a chat.

I said my issues and he agreed to meet me half way.

I want someone equal and he gets that and was receptive to going slow while we both take baby steps. 


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

So, I went into hiding so I could think.

I called him and told him about my issues....and he was totally open to hearing them.

We talked for 4 hours on the phone.

He knows that he has been friend zoned until he can show some motivation....understands that I want an equal and that I will only be his friend until he can pull the technical difficulties together.

Ball is now in his court to get off his ass to be an equal.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

Update

He came over, we hung out, as friends and it was cool.

He then started to put the moves on me and it was very awkward.

I reiterated to him that I was not emotionally available.

He then started flipping out, asking me to hook him up with one of my "s*** friends" and completely bashed himself in emotionally. A nice big screaming pity party.

Dude is now blocked on social media, email and cell phone.

Crisis averted. 


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

Manchester said:


> He HAS to be a super nice guy. He has literally nothing else to offer.
> 
> In almost every city there are 100s or even thousands of super nice guys just like him, in homeless shelters, living out of boxes or in old abandoned railroad cars, or in vacant buildings. They stay warm with fires burning in large metal barrels and get many of their meals out of dumpsters behind restaurants.
> 
> The only difference between him and them is he figured out a way for the government to pay for his apartment and his health insurance.


Oh my word this post made me laugh!!

Nope..not your type. Nope. Nope..NOPE!!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I find myself thinking of @FeministInPink's signature...

"Either you're interested, or you're not. Fvck yes or no... As in, if it isn't fvck yes for you, leave me the fvck alone. I don't have time for playing games."

A bit harsh maybe, but you get the point.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

xMadame said:


> Update
> 
> He came over, we hung out, as friends and it was cool.
> 
> ...


OP, I don't really understand why you even invited him over as "friends". Its not like you have known this guy forever and you were friends before. There is zero reason for him to be in your life. Once you decided he wasn't what you wanted move on. That's the whole point of dating. There was no reason to go back and tell him if he were more motivated that you would reconsider. Because honestly...it doesn't sound like you are attracted to him anyway. Going forward if someone isn't what you want there is no reason to continue communicating with them. It only leads to situations like the one you experienced, because they have different intentions than you do.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Could be that she got some perverse pleasure in getting his hopes up and then dashing them.

She knew what she was doing.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

xMadame said:


> Update
> 
> He came over, we hung out, as friends and it was cool.
> 
> ...


Jeepers... After reading this, I hope this little experiment is over.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

xMadame said:


> Update
> 
> He came over, we hung out, as friends and it was cool.
> 
> ...


Sorry it didn't work out. Now that he's raised the bar it's going to be difficult for you to find a guy who suits you as well as he did.


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