# Need an ear



## tiredofexcuses (Nov 10, 2012)

I live in a sexless marraige. It has been this way for a long time. It started shortly after we were married which was 13 years ago. Before we were married, we could not get enough of eachother. Now, touching, intimacy, romance, or even talking about it all is non-exsistent. I used to talk about it, a lot, but he always had an excuse. Sex is not the most important part of the relationship (that's his favorite one), I'm tired, I'm sick, there isn't enough time, the kids are around. I have tried to get him to take me on a trip, just the 2 of us. We have never done that. He tells me that he feels guilty leaving the kids at home. I could see that when they were little, but our children are grown. 2 of them have moved out and the other 2 are 13 year old twins. I'm so frustrated that I don't even know how to talk about this. I have read that many people have this same problem with the same issues. I have no friends to talk to about this, my mother died in 2006, and I feel like I really need to vent this. It's been 2 months since our last encounter. It is always the same, it takes about 3 minutes and then it's over. No foreplay, no intimacy afterwards. I don't know what else to say.


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## homebuilder (Aug 25, 2012)

My heart goes out to you. I'm in the same situation with my wife and we've been married 13 years also. I have fussed,begged, pleaded, and everything else and nothing seems to work. I have heard many of the same excuses you have, I wish I could tell you something to help but I have found nothing to get my wife to change. I told her last night that I was just emotionally broken and I don't know if I can put up a fight anymore. I wonder if in our situation there is anyway to repair 13 years of damage. I wonder if I can forgive because right now I just don't know. I hope you find peace in this situation because it's like living in turmoil all the time. I promise you are not alone. I came to TAM looking for answers to make sure I wasn't crazy for feeling like I did and what I found was that this is a problem for alot of people and I was correct in the way I feel. Read around in sex in marriage forum and you will find people men and women in our situation with the exact same feelings. Like I said I hope that you find some peace. GODSPEED


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Ouch.
I'm not in complete sexless marriage, but it can be very frustrating sometimes when you are always the instigator...Or you try to cuddle & initiate & get shot down (at that moment it feels like "all the time".)

He might have physical issues he does not know how to deal with.. that he does not want to talk to his doctor about. He has just burried them under the pile of stuff he has to worry about.. and so it is not a priority to him to get the physical side of the marriage "back on track". 

Start buying some sexy underwear... Leave them out (with tags still on them, so he knows you haven't worn them "for someone else".) If he doesn't mention them after a few days, then say.. Hey, just let me know when you want me to model these for you! with a wink. Smile & say... Is it the wrong color?... 

Just to get his mind starting to even Thinking about getting intimate again. Then try other stuff.. like getting him a porn book & ask if there are any positions he'd like to try. Etc, stuff like that... Just trying to get him to be more open with you to discuss sexuality.

Maybe it will open up a conversation, so that you can talk about the frustration, or ask about why he seems to avoid it so much.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

This is What a Sexless Marriage Feels Like 

Why do you stay - for your children - -Financial ?? Fear of being alone?

It's the height of cruelty, uncaring, selfish, ignorant....

What has went wrong in the marriage ....Was it ever good? Did you at one time ignore her emotional needs & she grew cold towards you -building her own mountain of resentment... ignored her love languages, is she on hormonal birth control & it zapped her drive... is she Repressed.... is she depressed.... did you have alot of weight gain...is their unforgiveness over another issue....etc etc??

At the heart of this... a person can not love you and allow you to go on like this... knowing how it is killing you inside, a thirsting in the desert. you have shared your feelings till you are blue in the face..no more of that...











It's time to get tough, do the 180...work on yourself, show these women you do NOT need them... go find a hobby, start hanging out with friends... see where you are on the Market, if another women gives you any notice... it will raise your self-esteem a bit. And prepare you to leave her. 

Resentment over a 13 year period, that is a mountain of pain to forgive. 

Resentment Test in this link >>

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...l-etc-how-robs-us-intimacy-we-crave-most.html


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*THE 180* .....Print this out .... Live it ....start today...



> Plan A vs. 180 Plan - Marriage Builders® Forums
> 
> 180
> 
> ...



Also ...If you've spent any time here at all, you've heard these books mentioned >>








No More Mr. Nice Guy!: Robert A. Glover: 
















The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011: Athol Kay:


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## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> *THE 180* .....Print this out .... Live it ....start today...
> 
> 
> 
> ...



This seems like it would be a very hard way to live, to follow all these points. I doubt I could do it. I have heard that when you back away you are then wanted more but I doubt I could sustain it. I see this as game playing and not telling your partner how you really feel. Hurting inside and pretending you are not does not seem a good way to have a good marriage.


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## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

tiredofexcuses said:


> I live in a sexless marraige. It has been this way for a long time. It started shortly after we were married which was 13 years ago. Before we were married, we could not get enough of eachother. Now, touching, intimacy, romance, or even talking about it all is non-exsistent. I used to talk about it, a lot, but he always had an excuse. Sex is not the most important part of the relationship (that's his favorite one), I'm tired, I'm sick, there isn't enough time, the kids are around. I have tried to get him to take me on a trip, just the 2 of us. We have never done that. He tells me that he feels guilty leaving the kids at home. I could see that when they were little, but our children are grown. 2 of them have moved out and the other 2 are 13 year old twins. I'm so frustrated that I don't even know how to talk about this. I have read that many people have this same problem with the same issues. I have no friends to talk to about this, my mother died in 2006, and I feel like I really need to vent this. It's been 2 months since our last encounter. It is always the same, it takes about 3 minutes and then it's over. No foreplay, no intimacy afterwards. I don't know what else to say.


It sounds like you are in a lot of pain. I am so sorry. You always hear about men who want sex more but since coming on this forum I have heard more and more about women who are being ignored. Sometimes I feel like I could walk around naked in front of my man and he would not notice if he was playing his backgammon on the computer. It is very hurtful.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

tiredofexcuses said:


> I live in a sexless marraige. It has been this way for a long time. It started shortly after we were married which was 13 years ago. Before we were married, we could not get enough of eachother. Now, touching, intimacy, romance, or even talking about it all is non-exsistent. I used to talk about it, a lot, but he always had an excuse. Sex is not the most important part of the relationship (that's his favorite one), I'm tired, I'm sick, there isn't enough time, the kids are around. I have tried to get him to take me on a trip, just the 2 of us. We have never done that. He tells me that he feels guilty leaving the kids at home. I could see that when they were little, but our children are grown. 2 of them have moved out and the other 2 are 13 year old twins. I'm so frustrated that I don't even know how to talk about this. I have read that many people have this same problem with the same issues. I have no friends to talk to about this, my mother died in 2006, and I feel like I really need to vent this. It's been 2 months since our last encounter. It is always the same, it takes about 3 minutes and then it's over. No foreplay, no intimacy afterwards. I don't know what else to say.



Do some investigating.
Men usually need sexual release on a regular basis.
Check his computer , he may be using porn to satisfy his sexual urges and sees no need for intimacy with you.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

DiZ said:


> This seems like it would be a very hard way to live, to follow all these points. I doubt I could do it. I have heard that when you back away you are then wanted more but I doubt I could sustain it. I see this as game playing and not telling your partner how you really feel. Hurting inside and pretending you are not does not seem a good way to have a good marriage.


It would be excruciatingly difficult to bare ...I so agree with you ...but others have had some success. I think with those who are taking their spouses *for Granted* will find the highest success, if the love is lost, then No, it's a walk in frustration. 

I know me...and I would never have the patience for it... If my husband didn't want me/ desire me... I would have to leave him... because that is a core part of my inner happiness within a marriage...

I wouldn't resort to begging , pleading, or playing "hard to get" because being close with my spouse is something I deeply treasure...so it if goes/ dries up....so does the marriage. 

He'd either step up to work on it with me ....and show enthusiasm to get back to where we were...or I'd be planning my exit strategy. Life is too short. 

I'd choose to be single & FREE - having options over feeling like I was in a Marital prison tied to someone who I grew to Resent that had no physical desire for me. That sort of rejection, when we yearn for the emotional & sexual fulfillment with another... it is just too heart wrenching to live with on a daily basis.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

The toilet may not be the most important accessory in a home, but if it doesn't work, it has a way of making life very unpleasant. When it's broken, everything else stinks and it will continue to stink until the plumber takes care of business. You didn't buy a house without a toilet, you wouldn't buy a house without one and it's unreasonable to expect you to live without one. Left unattended long enough, you'll find one elsewhere.


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## tiredofexcuses (Nov 10, 2012)

This is not a new thing with him. It's not like it started a week ago. This has been going on since the beginning of our marraige. It's just steadily gotten worse. Where we would have sex maybe 1 time every week or 2, it's now months in between encounters. He has told me over and over that he is not good at making the first move and it's easier for him if I just come after him. I have done that for many years. I'm tired of doing that. I want him to WANT to have sex with me, to find ME desireable. He just never has. Some stupid part of my brain told me that if I just kept holding on, did everything I was supposed to do as a wife and mother, he'd eventually come around. I have lost 85 pounds in the last year and I'm a regular at the gym now. He has told me several times that now I am too skinny. My legs are too skinny. My butt is too skinny. So, getting in to better shape didn't work either. My dedication to myself has not stopped me from being dedicated to my family or to him either. I go to the gym at 4am so that I am here for everything else every day. When I first started going, he would come too, but he eventually quit. He is in terrible physical condition and has some issues concerning his health that he takes medication, but this too is not a new thing. He has always had one ailment or another and I am always there to support him. Physically, the ailments that he has had, would not explain the sex drive either. All of his excuses suck. This is a man who just is not sexually motivated at all and feels that it's ok to live in this marraige this way. He thinks that I should be ok with it too because he loves me. I guess that's supposed to be enough, right? Because he is a good provider for the family, he doesn't stray from the marriage, he has no friends or outside interests away from our family, he is generous and kind to us, and he loves me. Enough, right? I guess I just have always wanted the whole package. I'm sellfish and think that I deserve to feel like a woman and be touched like a woman should be. Honestly, I do not leave because of the kids. Otherwise this marraige would have been over a long time ago. I've gotten good at being thankful for what I have and at being frustrated and unhappy at the same time. It's just recently that I feel different, like I deserve better than this. Almost like I've been doing this long enough, now where is my reward? Sounds wrong and *****y, I know, but it's honesty. I appreciate you all leaving your comments. They give me strength and wisdom.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Doesn't stray from the marriage? He doesn't like sex. That's like a vegetarian bragging that he can resist the temptation of pork. Doesn't qualify him for Husband of the Year. He is a good provider? You mean he works? If he were single and had no family, would he not still work? Did he work before he had a wife and family, or was it his intention to reside in a cardboard box under the interstate? If you divorced him, would he not still support his kids (willingly or otherwise)?


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## tiredofexcuses (Nov 10, 2012)

Unbelievable: All true (and funny) statements. He would support the kids if we were not together, I just worry about the kids. It would be a crushing blow and having to be split between the 2 of us would cause so many problems for them. Mentally and emotionally, I believe that my husband would put so much pressure on them to know my every move, thought, actions, that he would drive a stake between all of us. The guilt that this man could shovel at us all would just be like a heavy blanket on a hot day. He is very dependent on me for everything emotionally, mentally, and socially. When I say he has no outside interests, I am being totally accurate. Example: on his days off we sit at home and watch television all day until the kids get home and then they join us. He talks to me about work. That's about it. We occasionally will go grocery shopping or out to lunch on a day off, but nothing else. He isn't the typical guy who will go in to the garage and piddle or out in to the yard and do things. He doesn't do handyman stuff in the house or tinker on the car. He doesn't hang out with friends and go play golf or pool. He isn't a drinker at all so he doesn't go over to a buddies house and watch a game. Nope, all of this stuff he passes on so that he can spend every second of his time with me. He reminds me often of how lucky I am to have a guy who "likes" spending time with his wife as he knows of many men who can't stand being with their wives at all. Probably the main frustrating part of all of this is that we can spend all of this time together and he NEVER talks about the core things that are going on. Like sex. It's just not a topic that he wants to discuss, ever. It doesn't exist. When I used to talk about it (and by talking I mean begging, crying, explaining) he would always have excuses for every reason why he isn't interested and no ways to fix it other than to say that he'd get better. He doesn't. It's worse now than ever. I would say at this point that it has to be me. I don't nag, I'm not mean, I don't use guilt or body language that would provoke a fight, and I never talk about it anymore. So, physically, it has to be me. I'm 42 and have had 4 children. Things don't look the same as they did in my 20's. However, I work damn hard on my body now. I would have thought that getting a new "me" in that department would have helped but nope. My attitude is better now than ever before. I have more energy, I stay positive, I have motivated other people, and I feel 10 years younger. Still....it has to be me. What else could it be?


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Well, he's had sex with you at least 4 times then!  

Sorry, I just had to chuckle. It kind of reminds me of something my sister and I talked about once. 

I come from a family with 6 kids. Mom & Dad never really showed affection in front of us. I've never seen them hug. Maybe a quick kiss on the cheek when one leaves on travel & the other is at home. ONCE I saw them hold hands for a whole 30 seconds while taking a walk together. Anyway.. I just can't imagine them having sex. Never have.. Sis & me discussed it.. and we used to joke in our teens that they've only had sex 6 times! (The six kids). 

I know that mom & dad love each other in their own way. They bicker at each other lots.. but they're still together after almost 50 years now.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *tiredofexcuses said*: He is in terrible physical condition and has some issues concerning his health that he takes medication, but this too is not a new thing. He has always had one ailment or another and I am always there to support him. Physically, the ailments that he has had, would not explain the sex drive either. All of his excuses suck.


Many meds ZAP the sex drive ... also I would suspect Low Testosterone levels, if he is not getting a regular release somewhere, waking up with growing erections, he has a testosterone issue going on... other symptoms... feels like he is dragging, brain fog, falling asleep after work.. 

Testosterone is our LUST hormone, it makes us fantasize, it makes us restless and we NEED sex...one way or the other.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Sitting in the same room, watching TV isn't exactly spending time with someone. Would Pop-n-Fresh go for a walk with you or maybe you both could garden or cook. Hard to do those activities without talking. Calm discussion enhances intimacy and we all know that nothing pulls one's bloomers down quicker than intimacy.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I feel your pain. I'm a similar wife. I've heard the same excuses for the past two years, and how it's not the most important thing in the relationship.

There are many reasons why men do this.
1) Depression
2) Low self esteem \ low self confidence
3) A history of abuse 
4) Resentment towards you. Some men will with-hold emotional intimacy in retaliation for something you may have done or said that made them feel "less manly". 
5) An STD
6) An affair. Emotional, physical. Past or still going on.. guilt for what they did, or not wanting to cheat on their partner.
7) Lack of attraction for their partner

He KNOWS what the problem is. He just isn't telling you. 
If it's related to his self esteem, and resentment, it's very difficult for him to tell you that. 
IMO, talking to a man about him not "giving it up enough" can be a spiral downwards that is hard to get out of.

Nonetheless, it's HIS problem. If you decide that a marriage without sex isn't really a marriage, and you are just room-mates, then he does have an obligation to WORK on his issues. If not with you, then with a counsellor. 

You should know that this isn't your fault. At all.
Even if his issue is that he doesn't find you attractive... it's STILL not your fault, as he needs to be open and honest with you and move on if he's not attracted to you enough to have sex.

Shake his world. Set some boundaries. Decide if you want to live like this anymore, and let him know what he needs to do to have a relationship with you. Because if he isn't meeting your needs, he shouldn't GET to have a relationship with you. Unless he's working on his problem.


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## LastUnicorn (Jul 10, 2012)

Staying together for the kids is an incredible cop out. You are teaching them that it is normal and expected for miserable/bored/apathetic people to stay together, just because there is a piece of paper somewhere with both your names on it.

Why do you want THIS guy to change? He seems pretty content! If you've been honest with him over the years expressing your desire for more intimacy, by you not doing anything on your end you've just proven to him it wasn't really that important to you, otherwise you would have done something about it. If you haven't been honest, just hoped he would somehow know it....well then the both of you have a lot of talking to do.

My suggestion is to decide if its worth it. If its not tell him you are moving on, and why. If it is, start talking. Get the cable turned off tomorrow so there are no mind numbing life sucking entertainment hogging up time that needs to be spent injecting life into a dead marriage.

You need goals, and measurements of expectations, and quality time doing things together and talking that done revolve around staring at a flickering tv. Otherwise you'll have a few talks of 'things need to improve' yet nothing will happen.


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## tiredofexcuses (Nov 10, 2012)

Had a rough day yesterday. After a day of family time on Monday, and the fact that I just am having a harder time every day just being around him, he started to get the hint. Kept asking me all day what was wrong, why I wasn't hanging all over him. Then, Monday night, we are laying in bed and I can hear that he starts to snore. A few minutes later he rolls over to his side and wakes up somewhat. Just long enough to say "hey, you want to play around?" Really? It's been almost 3 months and this is what you are going to do to try to get close to me? Not to mention he was JUST snoring. Wow, I should be so lucky. I turned towards him and said no. He did nothing and said nothing and went right back to sleep. I was so angry and hurt that I never did sleep more than an hour at a time. 

Yesterday morning we send the kids off to school and he wants to know what my problem is. After all of this time with me not wanting to talk about it (because I know what the outcome is every time) I finally decided I would just lay it all out on the line. Typical reaction. He was so surprised. Shocked really. That really pissed me off. Like how can you be shocked that I'm upset because you don't want to have anything to do with me? Then he started with the "how do you go from loving me and wanting me to not wanting to have anything to do with me? I'm in this for the long run and will do whatever it takes to fix it. What if I start right now?" See, right now, I don't even really want to have anything to do with him. His unattractiveness to me has affected my head so much that now I don't want him to touch me at all! 

Then he says that he knows that it's been a problem for many years but just didn't know what to do to fix it. I told him that doing nothing and saying nothing has proven to really mess things up this time. For several years, his promising to fix things, worked. Now, it's different. I want more. Besides, he never changes anyway. Maybe we'd have sex 1 time or even 2 in the next couple of days but then he'd be right back to the same old thing. His nice, comfortable rut. 

I guess I'm learning a lot about myself right now. I'm seriously thinking of leaving. It would take a lot of work to leave and I would need to be prepared mentally and physically, but I feel stronger now than ever before. I am just so tired of settling for little pieces of this relationship.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Tired,
I"m so sorry it's come this far.
I feel your anger and resentment, I"m in the same hole.

It helps to remind yourself that you are angry because you are hurting. It rarely goes away by itself.

It goes away when you decide to forgive him for treating you the way he did, but you can't do THAT until he apologizes for it and really does take steps to towards making you feel loved, wanted.

And that's out of your control. Yes, it's your responsibility to deal with how you FEEL about being slighted for so long. But it's also his responsibility to be accountable for what he has done, and try to fix it.

To put it simply.... you can accept that he is the way he is, and nothing will ever change. If you need sexual intimacy to maintain a relationship, then you aren't going to get it from your husband.
To that end.... you deserve better.

You can suggest HE go to counselling, doctors, whatever it takes to bring out his ability to connect with you.

Or you can simply work on accepting the way he is and removing yourself from the situation. Doing a 180 is a good start.


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