# My husband had an emotional affair, maybe more please help.



## shattered1997 (Oct 25, 2010)

I noticed my husband was being more distant and indifferent starting maybe last summer (July 2009). I chalked it up to us having four busy kids and him working 2 sometimes 3 jobs and just being tired. Things got progressively worse as the year went on but I still never suspected him of cheating. I repeatedly begged him to talk to me, asked him what was wrong, etc. This past July I was checking the cell phone bill because it seemed a little high (something I don't regularly do because I didn't think I had to) and I found a number on there repeatedly dating back to April 2009 (started out as just a few calls and texts here and there and escalated to 10 hours of calls and 333 texts in the month before I noticed the number). I confronted my husband with the number and he lied and told me that it was his friend's number, we'll call him John (a friend he works for at his second job and who has two numbers already that I know one for personal and one for his business). I knew that was a lie and nobody has three cell phone numbers but I couldn't prove it. Three days after I confronted him with the phone number the number stopped appearing on the cell phone bill because I checked obsessively. I kind of let it go but it tortured me so last Thursday I went back and checked the old cell phone records more closely and finally found a time when he was on the phone with the "3rd phone number" and John called on the other line (it said Call Waiting). My husband didn't answer but then called him back a minute later. I confronted him with that information that night and after trying to lie his way through it one more time he finally admitted that it was in fact John's phone but it was an extra phone on the business line and was used by John's sister-in-law we'll care her Mary who had been "talking to" I understandably freaked out and accused him of sleeping with her which he denies. He said that they were "just friends". I told him that I felt he cheated on me and was having an emotional affair which of course he denied. These phone calls and texts were all day long and sometimes until 2:00 a.m. He said that he just needed someone to talk to but once I confronted him with the number he immediately ceased all contact with her because he always knew what he was doing was wrong.

He claims he was talking to her about his problems with me, financial problems, work-related problems, etc. I explained that they were things he should have been talking to me about and that he had been so emotionally distant and indifferent to me for the last year or so and I believed that it was because he was investing all his intimacy and emotion with her whether purposely or not. I made him read about emotional affairs and he agreed that this is what he was doing with her. 

He claims he ended it with her because he didn't want our marriage to end and lose me and the kids. He says he loves me and will do anything he can to fix what he broke. He actually takes full responsibility for all the problems that led to him turning to "Mary" he said that the pressures of our life just got to him and talking to her was stress-free nobody was *****ing at him or complaining to him, etc. He also says he in some ways resents me for being a stay-at-home Mom with our kids even though it is what we both wanted as well as admitting that it is a crazy way to feel. 

So four days later I am still crying, feeling totally betrayed and swing from wanting to make this work to wanting to throw him out. I am still not convinced that he wasn't having a physical affair as well and I don't know if I can ever believe him. My trust in him is gone and I don't know how to get it back.

Anybody have any advice.


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## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

Maybe he changed his mind about you staying home. If he actually said he resents you for it then I would consider entering the work force again so you can earn back his respect. What he did was wrong on many levels and it shouldn't be your job solely to fix it... but if he respected you then the EA probably wouldn't have occurred. 
He works 2 sometimes 3 jobs?!?!?! holy crap anyone would evetually get resentful. Work as a team to recoop your finances and work/family balance... he obviously needs your help if he was stressed enough to take the risk of having a EA for comfort. That's going to take some forgiveness on your part in order to take that supportive role again. This reconciliation really is about give & take at this point - good luck!!!! =) wish u both happiness and less stress!!!
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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

Betrayal is never easy to get over. It takes time and patience. Secrets and lies have to end if this marriage is to survive. 

First off, tell your husband that his communication with Mary ends now. If he ever talks to her again or communicates with her in any way and you find out about it, the marriage is over. Don't let him treat you like a dishrag. His behavior shows a lack of respect toward you and your marriage. Let him know you won't tolerate it.

Secondly, open up the lines of communication and make sure he tells you everything. Complete transparency is needed so you can rebuild trust in the relationship. That means cell phones, email accounts are all open and available to be viewed at any time by either of you. 

It is a long road ahead of you. Trust is gone and it won't come back overnight. In reality, it may never come back but if you love him and value your marriage, you have give it a shot.

Best of luck to you. I do wish you well.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Emotional affair= lack of loving support from the spouse.
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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

MsLonely...an affair is rarely the fault of the non-cheating spouse. Your response is only an excuse, a self-justification for bad behavior. Her husband should have talked to his wife versus going off and spilling his guts to a new woman.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

There are some topics you want to avoid discussions with the spouse from time to time, especially when you clearly know you'll be rejected and later you still need to handle your spouse's anger. EA is very different from PA


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

EA= too many resentments toward the spouse.


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

For the vast majority, an EA is a precursor to a PA. Maybe it isn't for you but it is for the majority. And let's get something straight here - an EA is cheating. I define cheating as doing something you would not want your SO to find out about. Did you tell your husband about your chats with the OM? No you didn't. As soon as secrets and lies enter a marriage, the marriage is in trouble. 

How hard did you try and communicate to your husband about your issues before you went and strayed? Did you tell him that you felt unloved, unwanted and that you have thought about seeing another man? if you did put it that way, then I guarantee you would have had your husband's ear. Most never try hard enough, throw up their hands, and go off and have an EA. Communicate and make it urgent if you want to save your marriage.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Corkey88 said:


> For the vast majority, an EA is a precursor to a PA. Maybe it isn't for you but it is for the majority. And let's get something straight here - an EA is cheating. I define cheating as doing something you would not want your SO to find out about. Did you tell your husband about your chats with the OM? No you didn't. As soon as secrets and lies enter a marriage, the marriage is in trouble.
> 
> How hard did you try and communicate to your husband about your issues before you went and strayed? Did you tell him that you felt unloved, unwanted and that you have thought about seeing another man? if you did put it that way, then I guarantee you would have had your husband's ear. Most never try hard enough, throw up their hands, and go off and have an EA. Communicate and make it urgent if you want to save your marriage.


If you never had an EA, you can't relate. You can assume that I never tried very hard to communicate with my husband, I never cried for his love for many years before an EA happened and you can assume all EA are cheating for the purpose of sex. Unfortunately, it's just half true. To just have sex, it's really much easier.
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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

I never had an EA because I communicate with my partner. I was never that deceitful. You say I can't relate, well you don't have to be a thief to know stealing is wrong. And cheating is wrong, pure and simple. You are a cheat and you have justified it in your mind. Good luck to you in your marriage - you are going to need it!


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

In my opinion, EA is just fair when my spouse refused to listen and refuse to love. It's perfectly right, when my spouse is a jerk. It's a path leading to divorce, not just for a PA. So you're basically half right.
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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Marriage is a piece of contract. When you love and support each other you get married. When you don't love and support each other, you can search your own happiness and plan for your future with someone better, because you can get divorced, too!
Cheating is the result of an unhappy marriage, which is very obvious. If you only want to blame on the result without looking into the cause. Nevertheless, you can get a lawer and plan for a good divorce. There's no limits to get married and divorced until you find a right partner.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Corkey88 said:


> I never had an EA because I communicate with my partner. I was never that deceitful. You say I can't relate, well you don't have to be a thief to know stealing is wrong. And cheating is wrong, pure and simple. You are a cheat and you have justified it in your mind. Good luck to you in your marriage - you are going to need it!


Thanks for your good wish for my marriage. Luckily my spouse didn't view EA as a crime as you did. He changed his attitude and I changed mine. So my marriage has grown stronger and is peaceful and smooth. The marriage contract gets to continue.
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## dawniedoo47 (Oct 20, 2010)

I lean towards the side of Corkey. Cheating is cheating no matter if you feel you had a "right" to do it or not. That is narcissistic to think you were entitled to cheat. He may have been a jerk. He could be anything you say he is and worse, but that does not entitle you to go out of your marriage and try to fix what was broke there. You should have left him and then did what you did. Left him and he might have seen the light without going out of your marriage. 

Good luck with your marriage. 

Your husband forgave you that was his choice. There are things we choose to forgive our spouses because we love them and we see what we were doing wrong for the disconnection in our marriage, but in no means does it say you should be entitled and okay to do what you did! It just says we know our part of the relationship where we weren't connected and not the part of the wayward spouse's cheating ways. 

Meaning our faults are we didn't connect to you. We didn't give you what you thought you needed, or were entitled to, so the cheating spouse seeks out to have their needs met! When in reality the cheaters weren't meeting our needs more! So, there lives the disconnection and breeds discontent. Secrets kill. Lack of communication is the start of something very bad.


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