# Sexless, affectionless marriage, looking for advice



## darnitall (Aug 7, 2012)

Hey Everyone, I am new the forum, but have read many posts from people in similiar situations to mine. I am 27, my wife 23, we have been married 2 years and have one lovely son together. We are best friends, have a great life, so on and so forth. I guess our/my sex problems began before we were even married. After our first year together her sex drive disappeared completely. 

I did everything I could to keep her interested, I complemented her often, sometimes saying sweet things like you look gorgeous in that dress, and sometimes saying naughty things like your ass looks great in those jeans. Just trying to make her feel desired. On the few chances I did get to have sex with her, I always tried my best to please her and ensure she had a good time, I always used lots of foreplay, and I ALWAYs gave her oral sex until she reached orgasm. 

Fast forward to now, she is colder then ever. She will not kiss me or hug me or anything. I have to initiate any contact. I work hard, both at work and at home. I worked long hours away from home to pay off her car and student loans this year, I sacrificed all of my hobbies, my Corvette and my Diesel truck so that we could have money to buy the house she wanted. I would have preferred a smaller house but thats another story. 

Not only do I do everything I can to provide for her and our son, but I do more then my share of housework, and not because I expect sex for it, but because I appreciate her taking care of our son. I cook dinner every day, I do all the household cleaning, the only exception being laundry. She claims to be self conscious about her looks since having our son, which I know is somewhat common, from what Ive read in my fatherhood books. I constantly feed her compliments telling her anything from your looking beautiful today, to saying things like you are so hot I wanna *&%$ you right now. I try everything from naughty to nice because I don't have a clue what she wants to hear anymore. 

Even though she claims its self consciousness I think there is more to it then that, since the problems started long before our son was even conceived. Its starting to hurt me so bad, when I go to kiss, hug, or touch her in any way only to get turned down. Even if I just wanna cuddle and fondle her she just lays there emotionless and cold. I try not to let it show and try to remain as supportive as I can in all other aspects of our marriage, but its getting so hard. One night last week I was very horny and I had an erection that was leaking with precum, and she accidently came in contact with my penis with her hand and was so grossed out she got upset. 

When we were dating for the first year or so she was so eager to have sex with me whenever, and she loved getting oral from me and loved giving me blowjobs, especially since she knows that blowjobs are basically my favorite thing. I have tried talking to her and asking if she is not attracted to me anymore. She claims she is still attracted to me, so I ask her to tell me what I need to do to turn her on. She gives me suggestions but when I try them she still pushes me away or just lies there limp. At least I have always had my birthday blowjob to look forward too. Well this year my bday came and I lay back in bed, hard as a rock and so excited. After she sat there for about twenty minutes looking at my penis and procrastinating, she went down, took one lick then came back up and asked if she could just give me a hj or something. I just told her nevermind, nothing is more of a turn off then being rejected. 

Now I am starting to wonder about what to do in life. I don't want to divorce her, I love her and my son very much. But divorce has crossed my mind several times. Its extremely hard to feel loved when your wife wont even initiate a kiss or hug let alone have sex with you or give you a bj. 

It also bugs me that she often speaks of past sexual partners, which I don't like to know about but whatever, its her past I don't own it. But what I don't like is knowing that she has done all these things with other guys but yet she wont even let me see her naked anymore. She tells of letting guys do her anal, giving guys blowjobs in there car/hot tub etc and I can't even get a blowjob on our bed on my birthday. 

Why does she hate sex all of a sudden. What am I doing wrong? What can I change to better myself?


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

I'm sorry to read this... very sad for such a young couple.

Generally when women go off sex it's because they don't feel connected emotionally to their man. I know it probably sounds daft to you but that's how (most) women work. I would suggest there IS something she is feeling resentful/hurt/angry about. You may feel you are being the best husband in the world but if you aren't meeting her needs......you aren't meeting her needs!!

You also need to make YOUR needs clear to her...she needs to be aware of how rejected and unloved you feel. Your expectations are not unrealistic or unreasonable. Fight for your rights.... otherwise this will get worse...just read the posts around here from people living in loveless marriages for 20+ years...

You don't want to be one of those poor people do you??

Open communication is the key....


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## lifeisnotsogood (Jun 11, 2012)

Divorce. If you don't, you will be back here in 10 years with more kids and the same or worse problems. Just look at me.


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## Jersey86 (Jul 4, 2012)

waiwera said:


> I'm sorry to read this... very sad for such a young couple.
> 
> Generally when women go off sex it's because they don't feel connected emotionally to their man. I know it probably sounds daft to you but that's how (most) women work. I would suggest there IS something she is feeling resentful/hurt/angry about. You may feel you are being the best husband in the world but if you aren't meeting her needs......you aren't meeting her needs!!
> 
> Open communication is the key....


I agree. Go to couples counseling. Get outside help.


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## kingsfan73 (May 20, 2012)

Wow. This was hard to read. Can't imagine living that way. Personally I have not experienced anything like what you described, however my wifes sex drive is not as high as mine, so I do know what rejection feels like. My advice is to tell her that you are done with going through life without sex. It's that simple. A wifes duty is to give herself to her husband and vice versa. Marriage cannot work if your spouse is withholding sex. You have to put a stop to it. Either she agrees to be more sexual or you need to begin to plan an exit strategy and she needs to know your intentions. The lack of physical intimacy will continue to affect you and your marriage until it builds a wall of resentment between you. If she loves you, she will understand. Good luck and God bless. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Ok, some problems I see here....



> I did everything I could to keep her interested, I complemented her often, sometimes saying sweet things like you look gorgeous in that dress, and sometimes saying naughty things like your ass looks great in those jeans. Just trying to make her feel desired.


Good....but you can't go overboard with it. 



> I worked long hours away from home to pay off her car and student loans this year, I sacrificed all of my hobbies, my Corvette and my Diesel truck so that we could have money to buy the house she wanted.


In and of itself, not bad being a dedicated family man. BUT, what have you replaced these things with? What kind of inexpensive hobbies that get you out of the house, and in things you're interested in outside of the marriage? I can see sacraficing expensive hobbies for the betterement of the overall marriage, but not sacraficing of all hobbies. 



> Not only do I do everything I can to provide for her and our son, but I do more then my share of housework, and not because I expect sex for it, but because I appreciate her taking care of our son. I cook dinner every day, I do all the household cleaning, the only exception being laundry.


Well, what is she doing? Does she work outside the home too? If not, stop that crap. You should do your share of the housework, yes. But you're not her maid and butler all wrapped into one. Especially when she does not appreciate it. She's not going to respect her maid or find the butler attractive.



> She claims to be self conscious about her looks since having our son, which I know is somewhat common, from what Ive read in my fatherhood books. I constantly feed her compliments telling her anything from your looking beautiful today, to saying things like you are so hot I wanna *&%$ you right now. I try everything from naughty to nice because I don't have a clue what she wants to hear anymore.


Stop giving compliments when she won't give you the most basic of considerations. Don't offer them up. Pull back. If she asks "do I look good?", then yes, tell her she does. Stop offering it up at every instance. Make her ask sometimes. Stop "feeding" her compliments. She's choking on them. They are just so much "bla, bla, bla now and have no meaning. 



> I have tried talking to her and asking if she is not attracted to me anymore.


Uhm, OUCH. And, NO! Do not ask a female if she's not attracted to you anymore. EVER. NEVER. NO WAY. You need to be confident, and know you're attractive. If you're not (you've gotten fat, dumb, and happy), then correct that. Don't ask her to reassure you about your worth or attractiveness. That is a weakness she'll not respect. And if and when she does compliment you the correct answer is "thanks babe". And that's IT. None of this, "aww, come on babe, you're joking", or "babe, maybe you better get your eyes checked". Self depreciating humor is fine every now and then. But if she feels YOU feel you're not attractive, how do you think that's going to make her feel about you?

When a woman gives you a compliment, you accept it and say thank you. Or maybe "I appreciate you see that in me very much" or something like that. And then drop it. 

A confident man attracts women. A confident man does not ask for reassurances about his self worth from a woman. A lot of guys start out good, but fall into that trap after they've reached a certain comfort level with a woman. Don't do it. It's ok to be vulnerable about certain, emotional things. But never about your self worth, value, or self image.



> so I ask her to tell me what I need to do to turn her on. She gives me suggestions but when I try them she still pushes me away or just lies there limp.


She has no clue what she wants you to do to turn her on. That's why she's telling you chit that isn't working. She wants to THINK she wants you to compliment her and kiss her azz all the time. That's not what she wants. She wants a man that she has to work to keep. EVERY woman wants that. And you're not making her work for anything. She does not want a man that fawns all over her despite the fact she's treating him like chit. 



> After she sat there for about twenty minutes looking at my penis and procrastinating, she went down, took one lick then came back up and asked if she could just give me a hj or something. I just told her nevermind, nothing is more of a turn off then being rejected.


The correct thing to do when she finally went down there would be to pull her back up and say "no". When she looks at you with shocked suprise and says "what?!", just say "no" again. When she asks you to explain, just tell her "I don't think I need to explain anything, I just don't want that from you right now". 

Do that, and I'll bet you a thousand bucks right now you aren't waiting until your next birthday for a freakin' blowjob. And when you get it, my bet is it won't be some half azzed effort yet again.

Really, you're going to sacrafice your self respect over one blowjob a year?!!!! Christ man, what's the damn difference between one a year, and none a year? That's right, ONE. Is that worth your self respect? It isn't mine...

NEVER sacrafice your self respect to get sex from a woman. Not only does it never work, it is the surest way to get even less from her.



> she often speaks of past sexual partners, which I don't like to know about but whatever, its her past I don't own it. But what I don't like is knowing that she has done all these things with other guys but yet she wont even let me see her naked anymore. She tells of letting guys do her anal, giving guys blowjobs in there car/hot tub etc and I can't even get a blowjob on our bed on my birthday.


You're being "tested" and failing miserably at every turn. That is a BLATANT and OUTRIGHT show of disrespect to you. And you're allowing it. Now, if you had the kind of open, communicative relationship where that kind of talk is fine, then so be it. But when she's telling you these things about what she's done with other men, all the while refusing to do anything with you, well dude, you just got b!tch slapped by your wife with some other man's schlong. And you're taking it.

I haven't read it, but many here suggest the "married man sex life" book. Might be a good place to start.


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## darnitall (Aug 7, 2012)

To the person who suggested divorce. I had considered it strongly last year but at the time we had just found oht she was pregnant. What had me considering divorce was an incident at work in which she claimed she was being sexually harassed one day. So I emailed the guy and told him to keep his hands to himself and watch what he says to my wife cuz next time I would show up at her work. Well the email I got back just tore the life right out of me. He started off by insulting me calling me a dumb *******, and then told me its not him I should be talking to its my wife. He told me all the highly flirty and sexual things she had been saying to him and other guys. At the time I was also on anti deppressants for anxiety, well my wife had told him that to. so he went on to call me a psycho, and lasty my wife had apparently told him i had gained 15 lbs since we first met. I was so shocked to read this email I did not speak to my wife for 2 days. Then we found out we we were pregnant. She repeatedly told me he was lying, I askes how he knew so much personal stuff about me and her answer was he made it up. Well I chose to believe her and move on. I just let it go. I was ready for divorce but I dont want my son to have a broken family. 

Sometimes I think its best to co exist be loving and supportive of her and hope for the best, if not Ill leave after my son graduates high school so it wont hurt him as bad. I have countless more incidents like the above one, usually involving my wifes old f*ck buddies, in her words, contacting her via facebook. I dont believe she has ever cheated but it seems like she did have a high sex drive, just not with me anymore. 

I have read many books about sex and got her to read one or two as well but she is unwilling to try anything in the books. just ranting now I guess
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

darnitall said:


> What had me considering divorce was an incident at work in which she claimed she was being sexually harassed one day. So I emailed the guy and told him to keep his hands to himself and watch what he says to my wife cuz next time I would show up at her work. Well the email I got back just tore the life right out of me. He started off by insulting me calling me a dumb *******, and then told me its not him I should be talking to its my wife.


OK, you failed this test. If you make an ultimatum to a man telling him to back off or else, and he tells you to go to hell, then you need to escalate things. Otherwise, you've just proven yourself weaker than he may have imagined.

One of the most powerful deterrents to another man horning in on your wife is the possibility of you finding out and causing him great physical pain. By backing off, you removed that deterrent. Now, this guy doesn't need to worry about you finding out. He knows that you know and won't do anything.



darnitall said:


> He told me all the highly flirty and sexual things she had been saying to him and other guys.


This shows that there's nothing wrong with your wife's sex drive. It's just not focused on you.

I think, regardless of what you would do, you should investigate your wife for the possibility of an affair. Check her phone records, email, and Facebook accounts. Put keylogger software on your home PC to see if she's using a separate email or Facebook account to use for an affair. Put a voice-activated recorder under the seat of her car to record any conversations she has. If she is having an affair, then you need to deal with that in addition to her lack of attraction.



darnitall said:


> I was ready for divorce but I dont want my son to have a broken family.
> 
> Sometimes I think its best to co exist be loving and supportive of her and hope for the best, if not Ill leave after my son graduates high school so it wont hurt him as bad.


There are worse things than a broken family. Like having your son grow up seeing his mother treat his father like gum on her shoe. Your son deserves to respect his father. You should have a relationship with women that you want your son to emulate. Do you want your son to grow up and be begging for sex from his future wife? I don't.



darnitall said:


> I have countless more incidents like the above one, usually involving my wifes old f*ck buddies, in her words, contacting her via facebook. I dont believe she has ever cheated but it seems like she did have a high sex drive, just not with me anymore.


If your wife hasn't cheated, it's because she hasn't had a convenient opportunity. Being attracted to her husband will keep a wife from cheating. Your wife isn't attracted to you. Respect for her husband will keep a wife from cheating. Your wife doesn't respect you. Fear of her husband will keep a women from cheating. Your wife doesn't fear you. And by fear, I mean that she fears you enforcing unpleasant consequences for disrespecting boundaries, not that she fears assault.



darnitall said:


> I have read many books about sex and got her to read one or two as well but she is unwilling to try anything in the books. just ranting now I guess


You've read the wrong books. This isn't a problem with your sexual technique, or a problem with "connecting" with your wife emotionally. This is a lust problem. Your wife has none for you. You need to inspire some. To do that, you need to ignore what Oprah tells you inspires lust, take the red pill to women the way they actually are, and work from there.

Read No More Mister Nice Guy, and the Married Man Sex Life Primer for some great information.

Good luck.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your wife does not see you as sexual, but she does see all these other men as sexual. She is constantly testing you. She is testing you becuase she wants to confirm to her inner self that you are not a sexual male for her to be attracted to. You have to suprise her by acting like a male that she can be sexually attracted to.

Unnattractive behaviors you are doing:
-- Not throwing her out of your presence if she brings up a sexual act she performed with other males. Or saying "wife that's awesome... No go upstairs right now and get your ass ready for me!"
-- Sweeping the flirting episode under the rug
-- Continuing to do more and more work to improve her life while she does less and less work to improve your life
-- Tolerating the sexual rejection (in fact, you do MORE when rejected).

In short, you should not act unattractively. I personally at your age would begin initiating the divorce process. Divorce takes a long time, in which you are giving her the opportunity to prove to you that she deserves to stay as your wife.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Hi & welcome.

It appears that your wife likes sex but not with you & I am very sorry for that. Of course this is unacceptable & disresptful.

I would give her a hand-written letter stating your desires & feelings & ask her to provide concrete steps (or you provide them) for change.

If she declines the above, you have your answer.

Divorce is MUCH EASIER on children when they are very young. Do not wait until your son is older.

Good luck.


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

Quote:
Originally Posted by darnitall 
I was ready for divorce but I dont want my son to have a broken family.

Sometimes I think its best to co exist be loving and supportive of her and hope for the best, if not Ill leave after my son graduates high school so it wont hurt him as bad.

There are worse things than a broken family. Like having your son grow up seeing his mother treat his father like gum on her shoe. Your son deserves to respect his father. You should have a relationship with women that you want your son to emulate. Do you want your son to grow up and be begging for sex from his future wife? I don't.

Bingo. 

It took a few posts, but I think you finally got down to the nitty gritty. Your wife may be cheating on you. She certainly doesn't have any respect for you and sadly, that's your fault. You're trying too hard to be the nice guy. Stop it immediately. You need to be a man and all that entails. You have needs, desires, wants and dreams and you put all of them on the back burner to please your wife who does nothing in return to please you. Marriage must be equal give and take. You're doing all of the giving and getting nothing in return. You either need to change your behavior immediately or get the hell out of there before your world is devastated by your wife's full blown physical affair with someone.

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but this is what's going on.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

For some reason the wife doesn't respect you and looks at you more as a caretaker as opposed to a lover. Based upon what was told to you in the e-mail you received from her male coworker, I'm guessing that your wife may be having an affair right now. You should try to confirm this. If she is not having an affair, then you need to stop taking on most of the responsibilities within the house and to let her start seeing a little more "reality". 

A good place to start would be to stop cooking dinner. When supper time comes, look over at her and ask her what are we having for dinner? Then you need to start slowly reducing whatever chores you are doing around the house until you hit a point that is more equitable between the two of you. Basically you need to pull a 180 with your interaction with her. If you are normally fawning over her, become aloof. If you normally talk to her about her feelings, become more aloof. Also, start working on yourself to stop being a doormat. Learn to stand up for yourself and stop taking any crap from her.

By any chance, do you think it possible that your wife simply looks down on you because you are a "*******"? Did your wife come from a rural background too or did she grow up in a metropolitan area? I am suspecting that there is a "class" warfare dynamic here where she is either ashamed of your "*******" traits or other people are making fun of you to her because you are not like "them".


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## darnitall (Aug 7, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## darnitall (Aug 7, 2012)

Well I have tried being a d1ck to her too. lots of times, that didnt work either. as for thr email from het male co worker I believe I was called a ******* because in my anger I insulted his muslim backround. I did make it quote clear to him that I had no problem showing up in the parking lot to beat him senseless. I also had the same problem with another guy trying yo shoe in on her while I was away working in the high arctic. when i goy back I payed him a personal visit. needless to say he has not tried to contact her since. at any rate I ordered the book someone suggested and will go into it with an open mind. I have tried the being a d1ck approach too it doesnt work either. But ill give that book a whirl.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

darnitall said:


> Well I have tried being a d1ck to her too. lots of times, that didnt work either. as for thr email from het male co worker I believe I was called a ******* because in my anger I insulted his muslim backround. I did make it quote clear to him that I had no problem showing up in the parking lot to beat him senseless. I also had the same problem with another guy trying yo shoe in on her while I was away working in the high arctic. when i goy back I payed him a personal visit. needless to say he has not tried to contact her since. at any rate I ordered the book someone suggested and will go into it with an open mind. I have tried the being a d1ck approach too it doesnt work either. But ill give that book a whirl.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's not an either/or proposition. You can still make a 180 change and find more respect for yourself without having to be a d1ck about it. You know what they say about the bigger the man the harder the fall? Well, you sound like you could be a pretty tough guy. It is probably a feather in your wife's cap to be able to emasculate an otherwise strong individual. I do not mean this in a mean way at all. What I'm pointing out is that with her, you are too much of a pushover. You need to develop your inner strength so that your wife has no choice but to respect you for who you are. Again, it doesn't mean that you become the biggest d1ck in the world to her, it means that she sees that you have self respect and that you won't let anyone disrespect you. That is probably the thing that will get your wife to want to be with you if you still want her.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

darnitall said:


> Well I have tried being a d1ck to her too. lots of times, that didnt work either.


Being alpha is about being in charge, not being a jerk. You've probably had bosses that you respected, and even liked. But they were in charge and you did what they said. That's what being an alpha is like. You should be confident. You should be aloof. You should be secure. Don't act like a jerk. Act like a boss.

Read the blog Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. to see how to better handle your wife. And look at the 180 list for some tips The Healing Heart: The 180 .

You need to stop giving your wife power over you. Take your power back.


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## darnitall (Aug 7, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> It's not an either/or proposition. You can still make a 180 change and find more respect for yourself without having to be a d1ck about it. You know what they say about the bigger the man the harder the fall? Well, you sound like you could be a pretty tough guy. It is probably a feather in your wife's cap to be able to emasculate an otherwise strong individual. I do not mean this in a mean way at all. What I'm pointing out is that with her, you are too much of a pushover. You need to develop your inner strength so that your wife has no choice but to respect you for who you are. Again, it doesn't mean that you become the biggest d1ck in the world to her, it means that she sees that you have self respect and that you won't let anyone disrespect you. That is probably the thing that will get your wife to want to be with you if you still want her.


Ya I see what you mean. I am normally a well respected guy. I am not a pushover anywhere but home. At work I command respect from all my peers, even just a few months ago while travelling threw Equador with work I stood up to some homeless guy trying to rob one of my colleages. I just feel so defeated by my wife. I guess I need to be able to somehow show her she has not completely beaten me into the domesticated chore doing sexless husband yet. lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I'll tell you two things. Number one, your actions are very very beta. I think you're lying to yourself if you don't recognize a need to change those behaviors. And number two, if divorce is completely off the table and out of the question, then there is no way to shift the power over to you. If she can act however she wants with no fear of you leaving then you're screwed.


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

I am in a similar situation - without the exes talk and flirty behavior, just do a lot around the house (not expected to though - I do what I can when I can) and have less than optimal sex life. So, no offense intended, but your W seems really bad. Are you sure she is not cheating? Are you sure the child is yours?

Assuming no cheating, you need to understand what you are thinking/feeling. Is it sex or affection you miss. Is it sex with her or sex in general. It is likely the rejection that is so hurtful. Once you understand yourself, you can express what you need.

If it is sex, you can say that the promise to forsake others is really also a promise to give your spouse a fulfilling sex life. If it is the rejection, you can say the rejection of sex is a rejection of you and all you do for your family. In either case, you are not happy and things will change or end. There is a reason for her rejecting you. It may not be a quick fix solution. It is her responsibility to figure out what that reason is. Walk up to her, tell her you'd like her to think about why she is asexual and inaffectionate toward you and tell her you're going to get a beer and will be back later. Give her a time frame to discuss - we can talk in 3 hours, tomorrow night after dinner . . .


There is no definitive solution, but certainly being more in charge and responsible for yourself. Do not be a d!ck, just more of a leader. More indifferent to her. You must feel it and believe it - you do not need her. Another thing that it sounds like is that you make her feel like you objectify her - she feels it's sex you want not her.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Don't think about being a D!ick vs being Nice.

Think about being Attractive (manly) vs Unattractive (weak).

Being a d!ick is not what it's about.


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