# Spouse cheated need advice



## DreadHeadHusband (Jan 23, 2016)

My wife would take a friend and her mother to work and home from work just to be nice. Recently I found a drivers license in our car and questioned her about it. She said "the mother was paying her sons driving ticket", okay I believed that and thought nothing of it. 

Then we got into an argument on Mothers Day because I refused to get her anything since I don't do holidays and the license came up again. Then while she was in the shower I got sense she was hiding something and went in her phone. The same dude on the license text her with "wyd?". I checked the msg then put the phone back, she came out the shower and went in her phone. I check it again she deleted it but I took screenshots of it.

Turns out she deliberately went through my phone to block the guy from Facebook because she was ****ing him several times. This is all what she admitted. Said they stated having sex after he listened to her one night (something I admit I don't do a lot of) but it was about our marital problems, which in my eyes gave him ammo for the kill. After the first time all he had to do to have sex with her was ask and they did.

I have had her here in our crying all day while she sees me suffering with this begging me to stay and that she won't do it again. I don't want to end my marriage but this **** really hurts. I need advice plz we have two lol girls and I don't want them living through a divorce.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

Is your wife's boyfriend married?


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

if cheating is a deal breaker then pull the plug. sooner the better.


Really you don't do holidays? yea there made up bull**** but they serve a purpose buying your wife something thoughtful on mothers day is a small price to pay and it shows you do appreciate her efforts.

so if you don't do holidays do you tell her frequently that shes a good mom? out of the blue do you give her presents just because ? or because you don't need that type of thing you think nobody does?


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## DreadHeadHusband (Jan 23, 2016)

eric1 said:


> Is your wife's boyfriend married?


She said he has a girlfriend but he didn't give her a name, but she wore her ring every time they had sex and he knew she was married with kids


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## DreadHeadHusband (Jan 23, 2016)

chillymorn69 said:


> if cheating is a deal breaker then pull the plug. sooner the better.
> 
> 
> Really you don't do holidays? yea there made up bull**** but they serve a purpose buying your wife something thoughtful on mothers day is a small price to pay and it shows you do appreciate her efforts.
> ...


I am at fault in this particular situation, I don't tell her she's a good mother as much as I should, I did end up getting her a card at least for Mother's Day, I do get her random gifts for no reason from time to time but not because of holidays, and I understand that most people do holidays I as a person just stay out of them I try not to ruin it for others


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Do the usual,

Decide if 

a) you can forgive her or not. Get counselling for yourself and MC for you both

b) It is not an excuse but it would seem you are not meeting her needs. Obviously mothers day is important to her (who give a **** what you think!), normally in a marriage you make the effort to do/acknowledge what is important to your spouse. You dropped the ball big time though the cheating is 100% on her.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

chillymorn69 said:


> Really you don't do holidays? yea there made up bull**** but they serve a purpose buying your wife something thoughtful on mothers day is a small price to pay and it shows you do appreciate her efforts.


True but the response was a bit over the top, no?


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

It's good that you're taking responsibility for your part of the issues in your marriage, but it's not your fault that she took it outside the marriage. That is complete nonsense. Cheating is a deal breaker for me, but what about you? And kids are way better off seeing 2 healthy parents divorced than living in a toxic situation.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Infidelity.

It is never right.

It is always real.

The reasons are never right, but they are always real.

Feeling trust in another is right and must be real.

She took that trust....and took it right out the door, left it out...someone else picked it up.....and toyed with it.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Cheating might be understandable because you didn't do things, but it's never acceptable. It's never right. If she had a problem with you treating her like crap she should read you the riot act, threaten to divorce you, let you know. She should not cheat.

Don't make excuses for her.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

go see your attorney. at least get her to sign a post nup.

But get D papers and leave her a copy.

did she get tested for stds?

has she gone N/C with her boyfriend?


How do you know this is the first time? and how many times did they have sex?

Did she do things for him that she would not do for you? Was he bigger? was he a better lover?


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

You are responsible for a bad marriage. You are never responsible for someone else's adultery. That is the offending party's fault and theirs alone. Hell, even if you told them to do it, the decision to actually do the deed was yours.

Edit: I didn't even notice that typo. I meant the decision to do the deed was still theirs.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I would wait a good 6 months before you decide. Right now you are in shock. While you are doing that detach emotionally so you can make a logical decision. Don't choose to stay out of fear, that is the worst thing you can do. Also understand the marriage you had is dead and it won't be coming back. This will always be a part of your marriage one way or another. You have to decided if you can live with it. Most people don't know that until that get over the initial trauma, or really the grief. I hear grief counseling is a good idea because you are grieving what you thought you had. No matter what you do you have to go through that though, so better to not make a decision until you are over the intensity of that. Right now you are not in your right mind.

I would also say if your marriage had problems before unless you are going to make a monumental effort it is unlikely that the affair will help that. Are both of you prepared to make a monumental effort? Plus she is going to have to figure out what it is in her that allowed he to cheat. Lots of people have bad marriages even worst then you not all of them choose to go outside their marriage. 

If you stay you will have to live with the fact that the women you wake up with slept with another man and spend a great deal of effort lying to you about it. Those are the facts, they are not going to change so you have to decide if you can be happy knowing that.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

First, you should not make up your mind that you want to reconcile right away.

Why?

Because in order to consider it, you need several things from her which she many not want or be able to do:

No contact with the AP
Full transparency of all devices to include passwords to messaging accounts and social media
Written timeline of the affair
Agree to attend IC to find out why she allowed this to happen
Go to both of your parents and confess to what she has done
Showing genuine concern not just for saving the marriage AND for how she has hurt you

There is more, and some other experienced posters will be along shortly to give more examples. Without the aforementioned things, she is not a good candidate for reconciliation.

You are now in the process of trying to identify whether or not you want to reconcile, while watching her actions to see if she is a good candidate for reconciliation, AND dealing with the roller coaster of emotions that are sure to come to you. In short, you have your work cut out for you.

Sorry you are here.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

She does not get the right to blame her actions on your being a crappy husband
if you are going to stay married
she needs to do some heavy lifting on this marriage
she needs complete transparency 
she need to be check for STDs (no sex until she gets checked out
you both need Marriage Couseling 
and you need her to STOP all communication and she needs to call him with you listening in 
and you tell him to stay away or you will get a restraining order 

you need some alone time to heal as well and to work on yourself as well.

My only concern in your desire to stay married....she did not come clean willingly, she was deceitful and she stopped because she got caught and now she wants to stay married....what you have is a wife who got caught and is sorry....i'm sorry but that doe snot warrant a get out of jail free card. 

Ask her what she intends to do to save this marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

She needs to go no contact with her affair partner (AP). 

No contact is not done through a phone call. That's personal contact. Here is a sample no-contact letter. Your wife needs to write it up and sign it. Then you and your wife go and mail it to this guy.

+++++++++++
OM,

I want you to know that out of respect and love for my husband and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that my husband did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay my husband for the pain I have caused him, I will do my best to become the wife he has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. 

Please respect my desire to end our relationship. 

Sincerely,

++++++++++++


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There here are some books that I think would help you. The books are written by Dr. Harley. Read them in the order that they are listed here. Your wife would also need to read the last two books with you and you both do the work that the books say to do.

"Surviving an Affair" 

"Love Busters"

"His Needs, Her Needs"


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## DreadHeadHusband (Jan 23, 2016)

harrybrown said:


> go see your attorney. at least get her to sign a post nup.
> 
> But get D papers and leave her a copy.
> 
> ...


she said it was more than 10 times but less than 15 from april to now, but I don't know what to belive, she said he always wore a condom because she didn't want to get pregnant and she says she didn't give him oral nor he.

she told me they would just take their pants off and go at it then shed leave come home fix our familys food after a shower and lay up next to me like nothing was wrong.

according to her they did the same thing we do except he listened to her for a while and then they started having sex, after that whenever she went over to drop his sister or mom off all he had to do was ask to have sex and it was on, when I spent 6 years with this woman all he needed was one talk session.


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## DreadHeadHusband (Jan 23, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> First, you should not make up your mind that you want to reconcile right away.
> 
> Why?
> 
> ...


I did all this including making her take me to their house and tell them its over, turns out the mom and sister told her she shouldn't be doing it but she kept doing it anyway


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## DreadHeadHusband (Jan 23, 2016)

Lostinthought61 said:


> She does not get the right to blame her actions on your being a crappy husband
> if you are going to stay married
> she needs to do some heavy lifting on this marriage
> she needs complete transparency
> ...


we already had sex after they did before I found out and she confessd, after I get off work this week I'm sending the kids to my mothers and we are both getting tested


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

BTW you need to expose her guilt to her family


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## DreadHeadHusband (Jan 23, 2016)

Lostinthought61 said:


> BTW you need to expose her guilt to her family


told my family first then hers, she told her family the same lies she told me but they know now and her sister is being very helpful guiding me through this since she been cheated on before and overcame it. I even told anyone who texted her phone that day that she was unable to speak becuz of what happend


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

DreadHeadHusband said:


> I am at fault in this particular situation, I don't tell her she's a good mother as much as I should, I did end up getting her a card at least for Mother's Day, I do get her random gifts for no reason from time to time but not because of holidays, and I understand that most people do holidays I as a person just stay out of them I try not to ruin it for others


You can't do anything in this state of mind. You do get her random gifts for no reason, you do tell her she is a good mother, but you deserve an affair because you don't do it on corporate holidays. You do know how ridiculous this sounds right? 


Such a bad man... How dare you make her feel special on random regular days!!! The corporate ones you are reminded of for weeks before the actual date are WAAAAAAY more important./sarcasm

I'm not telling you to divorce, but don't start off accepting blame for what she did.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

DreadHeadHusband said:


> she said it was more than 10 times but less than 15 from april to now, but I don't know what to belive, she said he always wore a condom because she didn't want to get pregnant and she says she didn't give him oral nor he.
> 
> she told me they would just take their pants off and go at it then shed leave come home fix our familys food after a shower and lay up next to me like nothing was wrong.
> 
> according to her they did the same thing we do except he listened to her for a while and then they started having sex, after that whenever she went over to drop his sister or mom off all he had to do was ask to have sex and it was on, when I spent 6 years with this woman all he needed was one talk session.


One thing you learn over and over from reading this posts is cheaters lie. You would be wise to not believe her story. Usually it's worse. Before you decide if she is remorseful decide if you want to be a guy married to a women who can do that to you. Who can lie to you for months. Carry on a second life. Not everyone is like that. And not everyone is willing live with someone who is. 

Lots of people rush into reconciliation thinking they are going to fix things only to find out 5, 10 , 15 years later that they resent it and are now 5, 10 ,15 years older. I know you are feeling like you are losing love, but you know what? You can find love again with someone else. The only thing in the decision of staying together or leaving that you can't get back, is precious time. That is the one thing there is no replacement for, once it's gone it gone. So you should be very careful not to waste it. 

Also don't assume because she is sorry that it won't happen again. Another thing you learn is even the most contrite people during the first days can end up cheating again, sometimes years later. Sometimes the sorrow is just an act because the cost of breaking up is too steep. They don't want to lose their home, their security. Sometimes it's because they are very broken people, like drug addicts, who can only "white knuckle" it so long before they go back to the bad habits that got them their in the first place. Again you read threads like this all the time too. Most cheaters have some sort of emotional problems. This takes a long time to fix and they have to be motivated. Even then they may not be able to, or want to. It's always a risk in my opinion. 

Besides that not everyone is a cheater, there are people out there capable of being in a relationship with you without stabbing you in the back because you didn't get a card.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Do not make up your mind in any way shape or form. Concentrate on yourself and detach so that you can heal from this.

I would ask her to leave the family home, she must live with a relative and she is to have no contact with the OM. Any transgression will result in immediate divorce.

She must go into individual therapy immediately and find out how she could allow this to happen.

Set up a reasonable visitation schedule, but it is clear that she is out until she earns her way back. 

DO NOT SLEEP WITH HER. Have her be tested for STD's. 

Affairs are like fungus, they grow in dark places. Consequences, are the results of actions. For the time being, she has lost her marriage and family. She must earn her way back. Make that quite clear.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

DreadHeadHusband said:


> she said it was more than 10 times but less than 15 from april to now, but I don't know what to belive, she said he always wore a condom because she didn't want to get pregnant and she says she didn't give him oral nor he.
> 
> she told me they would just take their pants off and go at it then shed leave come home fix our familys food after a shower and lay up next to me like nothing was wrong.
> 
> according to her they did the same thing we do except he listened to her for a while and then they started having sex, after that whenever she went over to drop his sister or mom off all he had to do was ask to have sex and it was on, when I spent 6 years with this woman all he needed was one talk session.


You know she is lying right?

Did she also say she did not enjoy it? 

Because that would be about the only other lie that is frequently fed to a devestated betrayed spouse to ease the blow, no pun intended.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

She is still lying to you.

have her write a timeline and then take a polygraph on the timeline.

She is still in contact with the POSOM.

Save yourself, file for D, go see your attorney.

She is only sorry she got caught.

The sex was fantastic or else why would they meet up so many times? And it was wild and wilder. Yes they did oral and anal.

You were not born yesterday. No they did not use a condom. gets in the way. Use your head. she is still lying. he would not continue if that is all.


she had to give more and more to keep him coming back. and she did not know about all his other lovers. she thought he cared about her.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

DHH,

Get your WW to write out a timeline for the affair with details.

Then take her for a polygraph test, you will get the full truth on the drive there. 

You can't continue in the marriage with her continuing to lie to you.

Affair sex is very passionate sex and your WW is minimizing the details. 

You don't want to be 5 10 or 20 years from now and still knowing that she is keeping OMs secrets for him. 

She will offer a few more details to try and satisfy you but don't byte she has to empty herself push on. 

Tamat


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

DreadHeadHusband said:


> *I am at fault in this particular situation*, I don't tell her she's a good mother as much as I should, I did end up getting her a card at least for Mother's Day, I do get her random gifts for no reason from time to time but not because of holidays, and I understand that most people do holidays I as a person just stay out of them I try not to ruin it for others


Nope.


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## DreadHeadHusband (Jan 23, 2016)

Thank you all for the advice and help, my wife and I have talked and we got to the root of the problem as in why and how long this has been going on. I need to start a new thread about the biggest bomb she just dropped on me


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

keep it all in the same thread.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Ask yourself the question of if the shoe was on the other foot, would she be so forgiving?

I think not! Why would you want to lay next to someone who has been deceptively and wantonly unfaithful to you as her husband? 

Time to move on and to lawyer up soon!*


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