# had a vasectomy but new g/f doesnt know yet



## betrayed2013 (Feb 5, 2013)

So about 5 yrs ago i was snipped....at the time it seemed like the right decision due to the fact i had 2 children (one step, one mine)....then a couple yrs later my wife cheated etc and now we r divorcing...anyways i am now dating and this girl and i are off to a great start. Now keep in mind its been just one month of dating so far but she has been very straight with me in terms of wat she wants for her future with kids being one of them. Now i can respect that..she doesnt have any.....I havent told her i had a vasectomy as of yet....since its only been a month of dating i didnt think it was an issue, but she has brought it up that she wants kids in her future a couple of times....not directly saying she wants them w me, but in general terms.....

my question to u guys is, when do i tell her this? I regret having the vasectomy....my step son is estranged from me and im perfectly fine with that...its a long story.....but ive always regretted having the procedure done after the fact that my marriage crumbled a couple years after.....at the time it was the right move for me, however if i had of seen the future, i would have never done it......

that being said ive always said to myself that i would have the procedure reversed if the right woman came along...idk if shes the right woman at this point since its only been a month, but i do feel like i need to say something sooner rather than later to her before the relationship gets really serious.....when and how do i tell her and am i an ass for not telling her the very first time she mentioned children in general terms??? ugh, idk wat to do, other than explaining to her that i have had the procedure done but i wouldnt be against getting it reversed if things got serious later on down the road? Help!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

You need to tell her now. Especially as she has been straight and clear with you about wanting children. When you do tell her, be sure to also tell her that you would be willing to have the procedure reversed if your relationship was to get serious.

Also have a think about the IVF road IF the reversal is unsuccessful.

Bottom line though, yes, you need to tell her - NOW.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

frusdil said:


> You need to tell her now. Especially as she has been straight and clear with you about wanting children. When you do tell her, be sure to also tell her that you would be willing to have the procedure reversed if your relationship was to get serious.
> 
> Also have a think about the IVF road IF the reversal is unsuccessful.
> 
> Bottom line though, yes, you need to tell her - NOW.


:iagree:


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

That's nearly first date sort of information to be honest, because for some people, they aren't dating for the hell of it, they're dating to find someone they will marry and have kids with. If you want to get the procedure reversed, go and do it sooner rather than later imo. The longer you leave it the harder it will be to reverse.


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## betrayed2013 (Feb 5, 2013)

i respectfully disagree thats its first date information....We r getting to know eachother on the first date....not discussing children....in any case its been 4.5 yrs so i hear that as long as its done before 10 yrs that the percentage is still pretty high it will work without major issues..

my view on it is that i didnt think that she needed to know right away. she would have blown me off before getting to know me and wouldnt have given me a chance. Now that she is getting to know me quite well, she seems to really like me, so i guess now would be the time to tell her....worst case scenario is that she tells me off and its over...best case scenario is she completly understands and we all good.....i think i'll be telling her tonight and ill let u guys know the outcome...fingers crossed!


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

As soon as she mentioned wanting children in her future is when you should have volunteered that you already have a child and one was enough for you. You don't have to tell her you're snipped, but a firm answer of no more children should have been addressed at the time.

You are trying to "hook" her. You think once she falls madly in love with you, it won't matter. But it does. It will be hurtful to her to find out she's wasted time with someone who does not share her core belief in having future children.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You aren't divorced yet. You're discussing making babies with Miss New? Why don't you put the first marriage to sleep, do a little mental autopsy to figure out why you couldn't make it work, learn to live in your own skin a year or two, and maybe then browse around for the next thing? If you find her and y'all start getting serious, be honest with her.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Being someone who dreamed of a family... I would want to know this sort of information as early as possible because it would be a deal breaker.. why get emotionally invested.. 

Not all reversals work either...She has no children, she has mentioned it twice already, it's a monumental thing TO HER...it's a large part of her hopes & dreams...where she sees herself....

The longer you wait, with every passing conversation that she has mentioned wanting children of her own, the more upset she will be when you finally reveal the truth, that you willingly withheld this "reality" letting her "ramble on" about kids...if it does make it months in..

Just come clean... she has a right to know, it's part of her selection package with a man.. but true, if you are willing to get a reversal , this may allow her to hang on.. at least talk about it and the success rates to such a surgery... depending on when it was done could alter your chances.....

Vasectomy Reversal (Vasovasostomy)



> *How Well It Works*
> 
> Chances of a successful vasectomy reversal decline over time. Reversals are more successful during the first 10 years after vasectomy.
> 
> ...


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## Diesel_Bomber (Mar 17, 2013)

I wouldn't even consider getting it reversed, I don't care who it's for. I would tell her, but no chance in hell will I ever give that kind of leverage to another human being again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

betrayed2013 said:


> So about 5 yrs ago i was snipped....at the time it seemed like the right decision due to the fact i had 2 children (one step, one mine)....then a couple yrs later my wife cheated etc and now we r divorcing...anyways i am now dating and this girl and i are off to a great start. Now keep in mind its been just one month of dating so far but she has been very straight with me in terms of wat she wants for her future with kids being one of them. Now i can respect that..she doesnt have any.....I havent told her i had a vasectomy as of yet....since its only been a month of dating i didnt think it was an issue, but she has brought it up that she wants kids in her future a couple of times....not directly saying she wants them w me, but in general terms.....
> 
> my question to u guys is, when do i tell her this? I regret having the vasectomy....my step son is estranged from me and im perfectly fine with that...its a long story.....but ive always regretted having the procedure done after the fact that my marriage crumbled a couple years after.....at the time it was the right move for me, however if i had of seen the future, i would have never done it......
> 
> that being said ive always said to myself that i would have the procedure reversed if the right woman came along...idk if shes the right woman at this point since its only been a month, but i do feel like i need to say something sooner rather than later to her before the relationship gets really serious.....when and how do i tell her and am i an ass for not telling her the very first time she mentioned children in general terms??? ugh, idk wat to do, other than explaining to her that i have had the procedure done but i wouldnt be against getting it reversed if things got serious later on down the road? Help!



That's really all she needs to know. Since vasectomy can be reversed, although to great expense, it's little more than another form of birth control these days. Now if you were cut and never wanted kids I would say tell her asap. Since you may consider more kids and just seeing how this relationship goes I would say just tell her when it feels natural. Maybe when and if you are exclusive and boyfriend and girlfriend .


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

If you are having sex, then the issue of birth control should have come up. How did THAT conversation go? Are you wearing condoms so as not to disclose your vasectomy? At that point, you should have disclosed or is she on the pill & you stayed silent?

Does she ask you point blank if YOU want more children? If she does, what do you say?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Be honest with her. Especially since she's mentioned wanting kids several times now.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

The first time she said she wanted to have kids you should have confessed to having had a vas. and stated you are done having children. That IS part of the getting to know each other process. 

As for getting it reversed...tell her it's an option you would consider, but make sure you really would be open to more children before you make that promise.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Like you, I had a vasectomy for all the wrong reasons. I regret it now. You have to discuss this with her.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I agree with the others that said the time for mentioning it was either when the subject of birth control came up, or the subject of future kids. Not sharing at those times makes it seem like you're being manipulative. 

C


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Cooper said:


> The first time she said she wanted to have kids you should have confessed to having had a vas. ....


Exactly.

You're lying by omission. You know she wants kids and you know you can't give them to her. You are leading her on.

Don't waste her time. Tell her now, like RIGHT NOW. Let her decide if she still wants to be with you.

FWIW, I had a vasectomy, got a divorce, and started dating a woman who always wanted children. I told her straight up that I couldn't have any more children (I have 2 teenage boys), and that even if I could, I wouldn't want to.

My girlfriend chose to stay with me anyways. I have asked again, a few times in the last 4 years, if she wanted children one day...she says she'd rather be with me.

Good luck, but seriously, don't wait another day...tell your girlfriend.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

It's like being out on parole and doing your best to get locked up again. You're almost a free man. Did marriage bring you so much joy that you just can't wait to jump back in? Enjoy life a little! Buy a Harley. You have the rest of your life to dangle on a leash.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> You aren't divorced yet. You're discussing making babies with Miss New? *Why don't you put the first marriage to sleep, do a little mental autopsy to figure out why you couldn't make it work*, learn to live in your own skin a year or two, and maybe then browse around for the next thing? If you find her and y'all start getting serious, be honest with her.


He's divorcing because his wife cheated...not much he could've done to make that work imo. I couldn't get over that either if I were in his shoes.


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## betrayed2013 (Feb 5, 2013)

okay guys, so i had the chat with her a few hours ago and i think it went well. I stated that i would have a reversal if things were to get really serious and we both decided we wanted kids.....she looked a bit dissapointed at first but we got along great the rest of the night! She didnt really have her own thots on it when i asked her how she felt about it...i think she needs another few days to digest it....i explained that if i had of told her on the first date, then there wouldnt have been a second date. she agreed....but we both really like eachother, so who knows, maybe me not saying anything could turn out to be a positive since we are still seeing eachother

and to those who talk about me still being married and shouldnt be doing any of this, i say stick it!!! lol....i was betrayed in the worst way possible, and i sure as hell aint gonna sit home and drown in my own misery, when i can be out there dating beautiful women and living life to the fullest. the divorce is happening thats 100%, but im not twidling my thumbs until the papers are finally signed and the case is dismissed. Give me a break.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

So... After one month of dating, you start off a relationship with a lie by omission...

Then follow that up with the "yea, honey, I'll get un snipped for YOU!"...

Can't wait to see what's next...


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## betrayed2013 (Feb 5, 2013)

Lila said:


> Betrayed 2014
> 
> Your recent post begs the following question.....
> 
> Does this woman know that you are married but going through divorce?


yes she does......i think some of u are jumping to conclusions that im going to up and move in with this woman lol....everyone please relax. I just needed to make sure that she knew i was snipped and that it was a mistake i regret, but with the right woman i would get the surgery done but only with the right woman... man the bitterness by some people is almost comical.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Good thing you told her.

How long have you been separated for? Did you file for divorce?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

My but we do love jumping to our conclusions, don't we?

Shaking my head at some of these responses.

You done good.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

It sounds like you handled it well, she's not upset, and like you said -- she needs some time to digest it and see if the situation "works" for her.

Now, just relax, let the relationship develop and see where it goes.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Deejo said:


> My but we do love jumping to our conclusions, don't we?
> 
> *Shaking my head at some of these responses.*
> 
> You done good.



You're not the only one. Good God


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Wolf1974 said:


> You're not the only one. Good God


I think this thread is pretty tame compared to a lot of the other things get said in other threads.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

*Re: Re: had a vasectomy but new g/f doesnt know yet*



Jellybeans said:


> I think this thread is pretty tame compared to a lot of the other things get said in other threads.


Like 'the s3x'?

Not clear that the OP has even crossed that bridge yet, yet he's critiqued for not offering out of the gate that his baby making workshop is closed for business.

I like to offer up on a first date that I'm hung like a donkey to assure that she's comfortable with that before wrestling the python.

I just figure it's considerate.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Secrets and dishonesty I think we can agree do not serve a relationship. 

But at one month I don't expect either party to have openly aired all of their dirty laundry. 

I do share that I have had a vas. At which point most my partners have cheered. 

I don't want more children. But in one case ... I actually discussed the possibility with a previous partner.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> I think this thread is pretty tame compared to a lot of the other things get said in other threads.


Sorry but when date I don't discuss my medical history. Those conversations come along when it moves into a realtionship when / if relevant. Anyone who feels they are entitled to that information in the first couple weeks of dating when not even in a realtionship is beyond ridiculous.

That's what had me shaking my head. But the again many threads here do lol


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

betrayed2013 said:


> ?...Now keep in mind its been just one month of dating so far but she has been very straight with me in terms of wat she wants for her future with kids being one of them. Now i can respect that..she doesnt have any.....I havent told her i had a vasectomy as of yet....since its only been a month of dating i didnt think it was an issue, but she has brought it up that she wants kids in her future a couple of times....not directly saying she wants them w me


He knew from Day One what her agenda was. He's still married, still hurting and still has NO idea what the he!! He's doing. Maybe, if she's the One, he'll reverse the vas. But, if he were serious about wanting more children, he'd have the surgery now THEN seek out women that has the same agenda.

But he's not serious about having more children. It's a pipe dream for him. Not for her though. She's actively seeking a mate for that reason. And it's unfair of him to hold a carrot over her head in the HOPES that MAYBE that will happen.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

If you are open to having children, why not have the reversal done when your D is final and you have had time to think? It will avoid awkward situations and widen your appeal to include women who want to have children.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

breeze said:


> That's nearly first date sort of information to be honest, because for some people, they aren't dating for the hell of it, they're dating to find someone they will marry and have kids with. If you want to get the procedure reversed, go and do it sooner rather than later imo. The longer you leave it the harder it will be to reverse.


Um...no. That is not first date information.

Who knows if she is going to blow him off after the first three dates?

But it is certainly a 'when we start to get intimate' kind of information.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Here is the thing: she has drawn the line in the sand a few times with him. She has to feel at least a little betrayed that she used so much emotion and effort on what may be a losing proposition to her.

I don't think she is being particularly honest about how she feels about this. It's still new to her. Right now, she has 'a bird in the hand' syndrome. But when the shock wears off, she may very well rethink all this.

You think you dodged a bullet, betrayed. I think there will be many more conversations after she's talked this to death with her girlfriends.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Diesel_Bomber said:


> I wouldn't even consider getting it reversed, I don't care who it's for. I would tell her, but no chance in hell will I ever give that kind of leverage to another human being again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ehh. Op does consider it and he doesn't seem to think children are pawns.


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## lookingforpeace (Sep 30, 2014)

Tell her NOW! She deserves to know, and maybe if she thinks that you guys have a future, cant you get those reversed??


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

betrayed2013 said:


> i respectfully disagree thats its first date information....We r getting to know eachother on the first date....not discussing children....in any case its been 4.5 yrs so i hear that as long as its done before 10 yrs that the percentage is still pretty high it will work without major issues..
> 
> my view on it is that i didnt think that she needed to know right away. she would have blown me off before getting to know me and wouldnt have given me a chance. Now that she is getting to know me quite well, she seems to really like me, so i guess now would be the time to tell her....worst case scenario is that she tells me off and its over...best case scenario is she completly understands and we all good.....i think i'll be telling her tonight and ill let u guys know the outcome...fingers crossed!


Lol, I get it, hoping to hook someone in before you give them the bad news hoping they will overlook it. 

As for 'not first date' nay sayers, well, that's your opinion but I wasn't afraid of hearing or saying the truth in my first date with DH. He asked me straight up if I wanted kids, first date, I answered without fear of whether that was a deal breaker. If it is, sooner it's known the better.

Being afraid to get it out there, well, just means you're the type to keep your cards close to your chest. I'm not into that. Let it all hang out imo. Hey, worked for me, any funnily enough, I'm still married.


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## betrayed2013 (Feb 5, 2013)

I would get it done with the right woman....so no i wont be just getting it done for the hell of it...if things progress well with this girl then yes no doubt i would. I've had way worse surgeries thats for sure lol....I refuse to have kids w a woman who is going to treat me like my stbxw.. So i've apoligized again for holding the info back from her and she sz she completly understands and shes good with it.. i hope shes being straight with me....i also offered to back off from the relationship if that would make it easier on her and she sd that she would hate that.......so i think things are good.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I've got to say that I am in agreement with breeze. It may not be widely acceptable as first or near first date information, but when I returned to dating, I decided to be clear and up front from the start so I wouldn't waste any man's time and he wouldn't waste mine. 

It's all too easy for people to feel hooked in by personality but then compromise on what they really want and throw those dreams to the wayside. It might create a situation where you resent the person who withheld info from you later and frankly, I didn't want that kind of relationship forming. 

On another note, I do believe it's possible for a person to change their mind about wanting children and usually its the person they are with who is the influence. It does help to be on the same track initially, though.

Omitting the truth doesn't sit well with me, that tells me rather that OP wanted to enjoy her company and the benefits of feeling good with her, knowing her wishes and choosing not to rock the boat. You cant build trust with avoidance. The first time she mentioned children, I think the OP should have come clean. Details about med history are not needed, a brief answer would suffice. 

My feeling is, don't get attached to the idea before the reality. An idea can create quite a bit of hurt down the line if things fall apart.

I'm happy to say that being direct and constant in my approach has netted me exactly what I desire.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Get it done


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Satya said:


> Omitting the truth doesn't sit well with me, that tells me rather that OP wanted to enjoy her company and the benefits of feeling good with her, knowing her wishes and choosing not to rock the boat. You cant build trust with avoidance. The first time she mentioned children, I think the OP should have come clean. Details about med history are not needed, a brief answer would suffice.


:iagree:


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## betrayed2013 (Feb 5, 2013)

u guys that are against wat ive done, realize it was one month of dating right? Not 3 months, not 6, not one year....one frickin month!!!! We r talking like 6 dates tops. Now im starting to understand why u guys are constantly on this board with posts. lol Everyone ive discussed this with in person, including the g/f seem to get it totally. I have to say im a bit shocked with all the negativity....one month guys....thats not a long time at all


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

betrayed2013 said:


> Everyone ive discussed this with in person, including the g/f seem to get it totally.


So you told her? Good. Best of luck to your both, whether you have kids or not.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Wolf1974 said:


> Sorry but when date I don't discuss my medical history. Those conversations come along when it moves into a realtionship when / if relevant. Anyone who feels they are entitled to that information in the first couple weeks of dating when not even in a realtionship is beyond ridiculous.
> 
> That's what had me shaking my head. But the again many threads here do lol


Word. I still think this thread's content is tame.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

I, too, would want that information as early as possible. If I started saying I want (more) children in the future, I would want honesty in return... whether that was saying he doesn't want any or that he cannot have any for whatever reason. I don't care if it was the first date or the twenty-first date. If it's brought up, be honest with me. I would disclose that I had a tubal ligation, that way he would know that barring surgical intervention or some sort of miracle, more kids would not be in the future. Would I offer information just to make conversation? No. But if discussing having children, yes.

OP, I am glad you told her. Hopefully, things work out for you.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

betrayed2013 said:


> *u guys that are against wat ive done, realize it was one month of dating right? Not 3 months, not 6, not one year....one frickin month!!!*! We r talking like 6 dates tops. Now im starting to understand why u guys are constantly on this board with posts. lol Everyone ive discussed this with in person, including the g/f seem to get it totally. I have to say im a bit shocked with all the negativity....one month guys....thats not a long time at all


Some of us do. I am in your boat and have been cut. Conversations about the desire to have kids is one thing and should be done somewhat early on only if a realtionship looks like it's going to take place. Talking about medical procedures you have had really should come way later down the road.

If roles were reversed and kids were important to me and I asked a date second or 3 rd date in hey do you see any more kids in the future a simple no that time for me has passed or that's just not something that interests me works just fine. I don't want to hear about having tubes tide or anything removed. Just a simple no works. 

I'm all for full disclosure of everything in relationships to include sexual history and all that. But too many here today, gone tomorrow dates occur to share everything too soon.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

betrayed2013 said:


> u guys that are against wat ive done, realize it was one month of dating right? Not 3 months, not 6, not one year....one frickin month!!!! We r talking like 6 dates tops. Now im starting to understand why u guys are constantly on this board with posts. lol Everyone ive discussed this with in person, including the g/f seem to get it totally. I have to say im a bit shocked with all the negativity....one month guys....thats not a long time at all


Yup. Got it in one! One month. But like every single woman here and a few men as well got was 'market signaling'. You said on several occasions (not once several) she stated she is looking for a pack of rug rats in her future. Now, either she brought it up which means she is doing that woman 'asking without asking' thing, in which case it was incumbent on you to evince a preference the SECOND time she brought it (first could be a fluke), OR, YOU brought it up, sending her a signal you were serious.

So in either case she will feel a touch let down that you were not clear and she was left very ill informed.

It is like you were in the pre-sex discussions, where you try to get a hint of how much of a freak she is, and she lead you to believe 'pretty freaky', but you later found that meant 'straight missionary, no oral'. A bit of frustration at investing in someone incompatible.


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