# Past Cheating History Concerns



## Kaori (Sep 18, 2012)

My bf of over a year has told me that I am the first woman he has ever felt really emotionally close to and that I'm his best friend. We're about to move in together in a month. He's 38 and I'm 41, both divorced.

A few months ago, after telling me that I was his best friend, he confessed to me of two instances in which he cheated on his ex-wife. The first was a one-off encounter that presented itself to him in his late 20's when they were living together but not yet married and he just 'couldn't pass it up' as he saw it as a once in a lifetime opportunity, and he had also done some coke at the time (a 3-some of course). The second was an affair with his co-worker that happened near the end of his marriage 3 years ago; she supposedly pushed herself on him at a vulnerable time in his life and he succumbed. I have no idea if his ex ever found out about these encounters and he expressed no remorse to me for either of them, as he felt his reasoning/circumstances made them justifiable.

Why would he tell me these things? Especially the first encounter which really disturbs me & makes me worry that if another once in a lifetime cheating opportunity presented itself, he'd go for it! 

Also, my ltr before him was with an emotionally abusive porn addict. One time my current bf asked me how/why I never cheated on the ex who treated me so poorly (with amazement in his voice). I said that I have integrity and it was the right thing to do which feels alot better than stooping to a cheating level for some false sense of revenge. My response definitely made my bf stop & think, but the incredulous tone of his inquiry reinforced to me that he feels that cheating is justifiable in certain circumstances. 

He says he loves me more than he's ever loved a woman; what we have is the most wonderfully unique relationship he's ever experienced (for example, we constantly finish each other's sentences & will say the same things at the same time to the point that it's spooky for us both, & we've never experienced this with others); and I'm all he wants & needs. Should I believe this or am I being naive?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

He has never expressed remorse for his past actions. In fact he was surprised by your principled stand in spite of the odds you faced in your marriage.
I am a firm believer that a person's past matters especially when they refuse to examine or evaluate their value systems.

Newton's first law of motion can be applied here.

You should be very concerned about his past infidelity because given similar conditions, chances are that he will repeat the same mistake.


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## Kaori (Sep 18, 2012)

Thanks CM. Should I bring my concerns up with him and if so, how without seeming totally insecure?


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## Cyrus (Apr 5, 2012)

Kaori said:


> Should I believe this or am I being naive?


There are very few certainties in life and everyone is different. Many men do change as they age and what they did at 22 they would never think of doing at 40. I know I wouldn't. Then again some men never mature and will be dogs their whole life. 

I think the fact that he would tell you those stories is a sign he's trying to be completely honest with you. Good luck.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Kaori said:


> Thanks CM. Should I bring my concerns up with him and if so, how without seeming totally insecure?


I don't think this has anything to do with insecurity. This is about whether you two have similar boundaries when it comes to cheating, and similar views about respect and loyalty. You should be on the same page, and you should _for sure_ know if you are not on the same page. You have every right to ask for clarity on what he thinks about fidelity.

Tell him that when you two have alked about cheating, you've gotten the impression that he thinks cheating is justifiable. Ask him if that impression is correct.

What if you are correct? Can you be with someone who thinks that way? If you can't, be honest and tell him so. Be open with him about your beliefs about fidelity, and your fears...he is your best friend, right? 

He told you about his past behavior in a moment when he felt very emotionally close to you. I think he told you about it because he doesn't want those things to be a secret between you. He's not hiding his past or his "self" from you - that's a positive sign.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Kaori said:


> Thanks CM. Should I bring my concerns up with him and if so, how without seeming totally insecure?


There is absolutely no need for you to feel insecure.

Tell him you appreciate his candour, but you have some concerns.
Tell him that you want to spend the rest of your life with him.
Tell him that your value system does not allow for cheating in any circumstance.
Ask him for his ideas on this , and depending on his response, ask him why.

That would make an interesting discussion!

But both of you need to be open, honest and non judgemental.


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## Kaori (Sep 18, 2012)

> Also, I think the "we finish each other's sentences" thing is a bit naive. If I am paying close attention to someone, and in a general conversation, I can do this. It does tell me they are paying attention to what each other says. Isn't that what we try to do in any conversation?


Guess I didn't explain that very well. Yes, I do that with others in conversation, but with him it's beyond that. It's hard to explain, but I'll try. For example, we will be watching something funny on TV and when we both laugh at a scene, we will then both at the same time look at each other & repeat the word/phrase we just heard that made us laugh and it's always the same exact word/phrase. It's like we think the same about certain things (certainly not everything); the same types of things trigger us to laugh/react and I have never had that happen with another guy. Actually, my exes were so mute that they wouldn't/couldn't even express what it was that made them react to a particular scene/moment, so his just being more expressive like this is new & refreshing for me. 

This is just one example using TV comedy, but it also happens when we discuss things others have said that impressed us & our personal thoughts on various topics. Also when we are planning things, it'll be like "yeah, that's what I was thinking we should do too!" and we tend to text each other at the same time about the same things, unprompted, whiich is uncanny. Like we're just on the exact same wavelength, you know? 

My guess is that I always chose closed, aloof men in the past and this time I chose a better for myself in that respect.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> Something came to mind. How will she know he is answering truthfully? Actions speak louder than words. I don't thinks she would want to put him in a situation which would test this.
> 
> What should she do? Are you saying she has to "trust" him? Trust is built up over time with observation of actions.
> 
> ...


I thought so myself but I didn't want to spook the OP.
My suggestion is for her to be " diplomatic" and get him to open up into a serious discussion, so that she can feel him out.
She must keep her head logical and not get emotional.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

He justifies cheating & shows no remorse. He blames his ex wife taking no responsibility. I would be cautious; you have not know him very long.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Emerald said:


> He justifies cheating & shows no remorse. He blames his ex wife taking no responsibility. I would be cautious; you have not know him very long.


A agree....move cautiously here...there are many red flags flying that need more time to be understood.


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## Kaori (Sep 18, 2012)

Oh, and as far as trust is concerned; he has been consistently reliable and accountable since day 1. I never have to ask where he is or what he's doing, he just offers it up freely which has been wonderful. That's why I worry that bringing my cheating concerns up will seem like unfounded insecurity in my bf's man eyes. I know that being trusted is very important to reliable men.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Kaori said:


> Oh, and as far as trust is concerned; he has been consistently reliable and accountable since day 1. I never have to ask where he is or what he's doing, he just offers it up freely which has been wonderful. *That's why I worry that bringing my cheating concerns up will seem like unfounded insecurity in my bf's man eyes. I know that being trusted is very important to reliable men.*


^^^^^^^^^
Stop thinking this.
Its not insecurity on your part to question his logic. It shows that you actually know what you want in a future partner ,and that you are not prepared to compromise your standards.

Being trusted is very important to a reliable man.
Being _secure_ is also very important to a woman


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## Kaori (Sep 18, 2012)

You're right CM. That's the people pleasing doormat in me surfacing yet again. I will talk to him about this sometime this week, as I don't want it hanging over my head when/if we move in together.


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## Kaori (Sep 18, 2012)

I'm sorry 2ntnuf but I'm not quite understanding what you mean. We're both being delusional & should just give up now?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You may finish each other thoughts, but you have different views on loyalty.

He sees cheating as a viable choice. He's never faced ANY consequences for his past choices to cheat. He's learned that he can cheat and get away with it, and has the attitude " why not?" when given the chance.

Big red alert there. What will he choose down the road when the two of you hit a rough spot? Or he's presented with an opportunity to great to pass up?


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

A few red flags, that's for sure! Many people do change, but it doesn't sound as though your BF is one of them at all...a chance he couldn't pass up? What a terrible attitude...I wouldn't take it any further with him than just a boyfriend. You deserve better than that, and you shouldn't have to share your man with anyone else, either.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Kaori said:


> I'm sorry 2ntnuf but I'm not quite understanding what you mean. We're both being delusional & should just give up now?


Sorry, I just don't believe in "the one" anymore. The rest was my own personal experience. I hoped something could be gleaned from my thoughts. 

I apologize for any misunderstanding.


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