# Is it time to get married?



## andre999 (Jul 2, 2012)

I'll be 27 years old in a few weeks. I'm a male. I have been in a relationship with a very beautiful girl for 11 months now. She is 22 years old and an international student from Vietnam. I live in california and she lives in houston texas. We met through mutual friends in Las Vegas. Since then we have communicated daily on smart phone messaging and skype video conferencing. I have traveled to Vietnam 7 times and have many vietnamese friends both in California, houston and ho chi minh city Vietnam. She works under the table jobs for coffee shops and lounges in the houston area tailored to the Vietnamese community. I know her best friends, owners of her jobs.. she is a good girl and dosn't take anything from anybody. I really value that in her as other co-workers of hers do not have those values. I'm currently in Vietnam and had the pleasure to meet her divorced parents (10 years now) and gay younger brother. The father has re-married and has 2 new children and his own life now. The mother and brother live together. The mother is the typical hard working honest good women worker in Vietnam with a great smile and respected in her local neighborhood by many. She is middle class i would say. My GF is a very kind and giving girl to those she loves. She has this uniqueness about herself that I'm very attracted to.

My girlfriend is amazing and has a very strong personality about herself. Myself and her have our faults but we have always worked around them somehow. One thing i'm not fond of is her 2 Tattoos on her waist and her side. the one on her side is in latin and says "fly by my own wings." She got it when we had a 2-3 week breakup period. Our last 11 months together has been somewhat of an emotional roller coaster. At times we were on top of the world together and at other times we get into a huge argument and feel like crap for days or weeks! She loves to be center of attention as most women like and she will spend 1-2 hours each morning getting ready to look beautiful for the day. She loves to shop and look beautiful and works very hard to earn her living. She has been independent for the past year as she dosn't want to receive support from her parents anymore due to her screwing up a fake marriage attempt and the guy ran away with the money... (about 20-25k loss). She can continue to stay in the USA as long as she stays in school. She already got her AA degree and her GPA is in the high 3's. She has 5 months left out of her 12 months OPT work visa program where she dosn't have to go to school during this time. But she will need to apply for a university to maintain her visa status in the U.S. International students pay tuition rates about 250% higher than green card holders or citizens. That means she will need to save 20k+ a year for higher education when she continues higher education. UNLESS SHE GETS MARRIED... 

I want her to move to California with me in my home to see how we live together for sometime. I was told once by my psychology teacher that in life you should marry your best friend. I feel like she is my best friend... but I feel safer if we were to live together for 3-6 months and then i would be more comfortable with the commitment. Especially given the circumstances. She said her parents will NOT allow her to move to California unless we are engaged or married. I even told her she can apply at both schools. The one at Houston and California just in case we break up or whatever. We have flown back and forth multiple times to see each other these past 11 months. I have flown 6-7 times to Houston and she took time off her 3 cash paying jobs to visit me 3 times.

I'm consider myself an attractive gentleman and have never had a problem seeking women or relationships. I earn about 80k a year and live a somewhat comfortable life. She is very beautiful as well and our sexual chemistry has been 9/10+ Of course my mother and father and those around me tell me i'm too young to get married and I have alot going for myself so take my time. My mother has told me not to get married.

Any advice to give me would greatly be appreciated. I tried my best to give you all the main points of our relationship. Should I take the next step in my life? Please help.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I think the fact that you've been on an emotional roller coaster with a person you've been seeing less than a year implies that you may have some serious compatibility issues. 

I think her parents don't believe you are committed enough for her to pack up and move.

I think your parents don't believe you are committed enough, or recognize the relationship's shortcomings enough, to get married. 

I also think that people who have lived twice as long as you have probably have gained wisdom along the way that lets them provide sound advice to a son they've raised since birth.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

listen to you momma


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Atleast 2 years dating before marriage.


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## thirtyplusshaadi (Jun 19, 2012)

Yes this it the best time for you and you must listen your family what they want....?


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

No, don't get married yet. I am a male and I do not recommend marriage until later in a relationship e.g. 4 yeas or longer. Of course that suggestion is personal, but you will be amazed how much it can change when married. I have a good marriage, so I am not a pessimist in that respect, but I have had girlfriends and things change over a few years I guarantee, and that lesson will make you pleased you didn't marry but continued together.


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## andre999 (Jul 2, 2012)

Amazing advice from Kathy & Henri!
thank you,
Andre


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## Jimena (May 28, 2012)

You don't seem too young at all, or too early in the relationship to get engaged. Your biggest challenges willl probably overcoming cultural differences. I mean that not just as regional culture, but also familial culture. I think it means a lot that that you have been to vietnam and seem to get along with her family (it makes things so much easier) But you really need to evaluate if you are compatible in the underlaying facets of a realtionship: financial priorities, parenting style (thats if you want kids), time management, religious beliefs, preferred living arrangements (house, condo, geo location) Make sure you talk openly about all these.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

11 months?

Hell, I have underwear older than that it it hasn't given me the issues your GF has!

Agree with Warlock - Date for at least 2 years before even THINKING about getting married!


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Atleast 2 years dating before marriage.


For a minimum!


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## Jimena (May 28, 2012)

then again, you should be wary of the possibility that she is in the relationship primarily for the visa>citizenship. Its very common in eastern Asia. Ask yourself what the probability is and if you're ok with that should it be true. (Does not necessarily mean she would leave you if it is)


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## andre999 (Jul 2, 2012)

Thanks for your continued input guys. Its past midnight and I'm all alone at home. Its times like these I just want to pick up the phone and just make things right between us. BUT something in my mind tells me I need to be strong, patient and see what time reveals. I feel if she really loves me she will respect my concerns as well. Last month before the big tension breakup her best friend Amy has a new boy friend that bought her 8000 dollars of things to show her his love. Channel purse exc... of course my gf told me all about it and i explained to her that I didn't want to buy her love. I'm not a cheap person but for a new relationship that is extreme in my opinion. Especially from somebody that dosn't even own a house yet or still living with parents. Her working environment being surrounded by gamblers, alcoholics, and older sugar daddy guys that cheat on their wives dosn't help... She might just need time to figure herself out. She blocked me on facebook, instagram, and dosn't communicate with me. she knows I love and care for her alot. I deleted her phone number so i would not have a means to contact her (which is what she seems to want.. she is the one that ended our relationship and refused to communicate or work it out in someway) It seems she has moved on but something tells me she will shoot me a text or call me a few weeks from now (as she has done before when we didn't talk for a few weeks.) It will be interesting to see if she calls me on my birthday in early August. Yes I do feel that the number one thing in her head is her immigration issues. I know she loves me as well. And she even told me herself that she wants to feel safe and secure and not have to worry about going out of status every night before she goes to sleep. She has a plan in her head and she likes to work in mysterious ways... She has a hot temper at times and likes to vent by telling me her issues at work with other co-worker bar tenders or cheap Vietnamese customers exc...Also she wants to be independent from her parents and not have to ask them for money. Of course as long as she stays in school and files her paperwork correctly everything will be okay. She just feels insecure. I just don't like how she pressures me and gets angry when she didn't get her way. Her friend says i made her upset and that's why she is not communicating. She is now working 3 jobs at Vietnamese bars, lounges and illegal organized back door poker games. She has alot of time to work and earn money while she has about 5 months left until she needs to start school again. Because she taking OPT program off school to save for higher level tuition which will be about 3x times more then a green card holder. I'm sure she is upset of that because her expectation was marriage after i met her parents.

-UPDATE: the girlfriend Amy who ran off with the kid who bought her the purse and lovely shoes in vegas ended up breaking up a month later. go figure... money dosn't buy love.


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## Alskkii (Jul 16, 2012)

Out of all the advice that was given to you, follow your instinct and heart. Remember, no one knows your relationship, her, and yourself best. Even though you may know her as what you perceived so far, it may not be what it seems, on the contrast, don't doubt yourself. As contradicting as it is, it is who we are. As human beings, we merely live our lives through pure emotions, disregarding what is right and what is wrong. No one can say one thing is right and one thing is wrong, because wrong can be right and right can be wrong. Until we take that step to move forward, we will never know where the next few steps will take us.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

andre999 said:


> I'll be 27 years old in a few weeks. I'm a male. I have been in a relationship with a very beautiful girl for 11 months now. She is 22 years old and an international student from Vietnam. I live in california and she lives in houston texas. We met through mutual friends in Las Vegas. Since then we have communicated daily on smart phone messaging and skype video conferencing. I have traveled to Vietnam 7 times and have many vietnamese friends both in California, houston and ho chi minh city Vietnam. She works under the table jobs for coffee shops and lounges in the houston area tailored to the Vietnamese community. I know her best friends, owners of her jobs.. she is a good girl and dosn't take anything from anybody. I really value that in her as other co-workers of hers do not have those values. I'm currently in Vietnam and had the pleasure to meet her divorced parents (10 years now) and gay younger brother. The father has re-married and has 2 new children and his own life now. The mother and brother live together. The mother is the typical hard working honest good women worker in Vietnam with a great smile and respected in her local neighborhood by many. She is middle class i would say. My GF is a very kind and giving girl to those she loves. She has this uniqueness about herself that I'm very attracted to.
> 
> My girlfriend is amazing and has a very strong personality about herself. Myself and her have our faults but we have always worked around them somehow. One thing i'm not fond of is her 2 Tattoos on her waist and her side. the one on her side is in latin and says "fly by my own wings." She got it when we had a 2-3 week breakup period. Our last 11 months together has been somewhat of an emotional roller coaster. At times we were on top of the world together and at other times we get into a huge argument and feel like crap for days or weeks! She loves to be center of attention as most women like and she will spend 1-2 hours each morning getting ready to look beautiful for the day. She loves to shop and look beautiful and works very hard to earn her living. She has been independent for the past year as she dosn't want to receive support from her parents anymore due to her screwing up a fake marriage attempt and the guy ran away with the money... (about 20-25k loss). She can continue to stay in the USA as long as she stays in school. She already got her AA degree and her GPA is in the high 3's. She has 5 months left out of her 12 months OPT work visa program where she dosn't have to go to school during this time. But she will need to apply for a university to maintain her visa status in the U.S. International students pay tuition rates about 250% higher than green card holders or citizens. That means she will need to save 20k+ a year for higher education when she continues higher education. UNLESS SHE GETS MARRIED...
> 
> ...




She's too young to marry. She will most likely have different taste in men when she's 28 or 30. There is always a compromise when people from different cultures marry. Are you the one who will compromise? She is vane and will be high maintenance during your marriage. Are you willing to do the maintenance? She is most likely looking for someone to marry so she can get into the US. What the hell is a fake marriage attempt anyway? The story sounds pretty sketchy. If you were my son I would doing everything in my power to slow things down. Expensive college tuition is not a reason to get married.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

She's too young. Wait until she's 25.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Coffee shop girl...

There are hundreds of horror stories. Yes they're all good girls and it's hard luck story. BTW, alot of these girls will do anything to survive and make as much money as they can. I can't blame them either, if I was in their shoes I probably would do the same thing.

Alot of shady things happen at those places. Not saying that your gf is into that but the majority of them are. Very, very, very, very quick and easy way to make alot of money.

Those girls don't give the light of day to anyone unless they see alot of $$$ and potential then they're all too friendly with those people.

Careful here young man, don't get in over your head and like others have said, listen to mom she's been around the block and knows how the world works.

Also another piece of advice, share absolute NO PERSONAL info or give her access to any of your personal info at the moment.

SS number, DL number, CC numbers, Bank accounts. Just a word of warning to protect yourself. Seen one too many suckers getting cleaned out because the little head speaks louder than the big head.

Again, not saying your gf does this but I've seen and heard the stories. Looking for good times with no strings attached, that's fine. But a serious relationship, make sure you have a rock solid pre-nup, I MEAN ROCK SOLID.


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## HiMaint57 (May 24, 2012)

I may be confused, but it sounds like you broke up recently. Even if you get back together, don't get married. Your relationship is too volatile. Sounds like way too much drama. 

IMO, living together is not a representation of what marriage will be like because in a shack-up situation you're free to leave at any time.


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## andre999 (Jul 2, 2012)

Thanks guys!


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## AbsolutelyFree (Jan 28, 2011)

This sounds kind of like me. I had a similar post when I first joined the forum: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/21151-risky-idea.html I can't say if it works out, because I didn't do it. You may still ask yourself if you made the right choice, or what would have happened if you took the plunge. However, you also probably already 'know' deep down that it is not a safe decision and you could get messed up in a major way if you go for it.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm going with SHE is too young. And I don't know how this long term relationship thing will ever work. You're never together long enough to see how you'd be married anyway. It's easy to show people your good sides via technology and a few visits. It's a whole other thing to do it daily.

I'm also in the camp of she's looking for someone to marry for money and so she can get into the US.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

andre999 said:


> I'll be 27 years old in a few weeks. I'm a male. I have been in a relationship with a very beautiful girl for 11 months now. She is 22 years old and an international student from Vietnam. I live in california and she lives in houston texas. We met through mutual friends in Las Vegas. Since then we have communicated daily on smart phone messaging and skype video conferencing. I have traveled to Vietnam 7 times and have many vietnamese friends both in California, houston and ho chi minh city Vietnam. She works under the table jobs for coffee shops and lounges in the houston area tailored to the Vietnamese community. I know her best friends, owners of her jobs.. she is a good girl and dosn't take anything from anybody. I really value that in her as other co-workers of hers do not have those values. I'm currently in Vietnam and had the pleasure to meet her divorced parents (10 years now) and gay younger brother. The father has re-married and has 2 new children and his own life now. The mother and brother live together. The mother is the typical hard working honest good women worker in Vietnam with a great smile and respected in her local neighborhood by many. She is middle class i would say. My GF is a very kind and giving girl to those she loves. She has this uniqueness about herself that I'm very attracted to.
> 
> My girlfriend is amazing and has a very strong personality about herself. Myself and her have our faults but we have always worked around them somehow. One thing i'm not fond of is her 2 Tattoos on her waist and her side. the one on her side is in latin and says "fly by my own wings." She got it when we had a 2-3 week breakup period. Our last 11 months together has been somewhat of an emotional roller coaster. At times we were on top of the world together and at other times we get into a huge argument and feel like crap for days or weeks! She loves to be center of attention as most women like and she will spend 1-2 hours each morning getting ready to look beautiful for the day. She loves to shop and look beautiful and works very hard to earn her living. She has been independent for the past year as she dosn't want to receive support from her parents anymore due to her screwing up a fake marriage attempt and the guy ran away with the money... (about 20-25k loss). She can continue to stay in the USA as long as she stays in school. She already got her AA degree and her GPA is in the high 3's. She has 5 months left out of her 12 months OPT work visa program where she dosn't have to go to school during this time. But she will need to apply for a university to maintain her visa status in the U.S. International students pay tuition rates about 250% higher than green card holders or citizens. That means she will need to save 20k+ a year for higher education when she continues higher education. UNLESS SHE GETS MARRIED...
> 
> ...


If you have to ask, then the answer is NO. Your relationship is completely unstable and filled with drama(breaking up and getting back together). Honestly, I think it'd be best to just let her go and move on. 




HiMaint57 said:


> I may be confused, but it sounds like you broke up recently. Even if you get back together, don't get married. Your relationship is too volatile. Sounds like way too much drama.
> 
> IMO, living together is not a representation of what marriage will be like because in a shack-up situation you're free to leave at any time.


:iagree:


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## andre999 (Jul 2, 2012)

Update: I deleted her number and we have not had any communication for a week now. She told me she has moved on. I have done the same. I learned alot and i'm sure she did too. I hope we are both able to find greater happiness and more suitable match for each other in the future. As long as she is in it for love... i shouldn't have a problem.


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