# Wife's 2nd emotional affair



## JBMB0922 (May 14, 2010)

Hi,

I wanted to talk about an issue that I would like the community to comment on.

I started dating my wife when I was playing Jr. High Football (when I was 14) and she was 15. High School sweethearts! We dated for exactly 7 years and we married on the day of our 7th year dating anniversary. We have been married for almost 3 years now and she has had her 2nd emotional affair, with the same person.

The first EA I found out about while I was away on business. When I came home she wanted to talk and was "broken up" because she said we didnt communicate like we used to. I was expecting to come home to a wife and hug and love her like I always do, everyday, but more so this time because I had been gone for 3 days.

How I found out about it was that I check and pay the cell phone bill and found she had spent a considerable amount of time talking to a number that I had not scene before. I also noticed about 40-50 text messages to/from that same number. She also made us go to a party that he was at. After I put all of this together I called him and asked him to send me a copy of the messages she had sent to him (since she deleted them from her phone) and warned him to stay away from her. The messages didn't say much other than things along the line of "How's your day?" and "It's so nice out I am outside eating lunch! Hope you're doing good!" etc.

I was pretty messed up about it and we spent a couple days apart from each other. She exclaimed her love to me and told me that she cant live without me, I am her soulmate, I am the only one she loves etc. So, after a couple months of couples therapy sessions I was able to realize that there were some things I could also do differently and we started to rebuild what we had.

Everything was going great, at least for what I thought. I would stop into her work and take her out to dinner. I would talk to her almost everyday while she was at work. I would wake her up and take her to breakfast at our favorite local diners. I would send flowers to her work. I would compliment her everday and do the dishes, laundry, chores around the house to make it easier on her. I would hug her everyday and talk to her about her day, life, etc. I was literally doing everything I could and more. Not because I had to, but because I wanted to be the best husband any woman could ask for and I love this woman to death.

6 months later I start to put together some suttle comments from her. I notice distance from her. Not at first, but overtime the little things started to add up. So I know she would never use her cell phone to do anything "wrong" since I check the phone records, I installed a keylogger onto one of my computers (the one she primarily uses for Facebook, etc.). After the logger went to work I noticed she was accessing an email account that had me very confused. So after paying the full price for the software (the trial version does not let you see the passwords) I got the password and logged into this email account. 

My world ended as soon as I logged in.

What I instantly noticed was that she had one contact for this email account and it was the same guy she had her first EA with, 6 months ago. The same guy she swore, she cried time and time again never to speak to again. The same guy that forced me/us to goto couples therapy because I didnt know how to deal with the pain.

This time around, the messages were extremely explicit in nature. They talked since about the beginning of Feb up until last week when I found out about it. There were about 150 messages total to and from. I saw that she wrote about things very sexually explicit in nature. They talked about having sex and she wanted to know if he was going to "F*ck her hard?" and she wrote about all of the disgusting things she was going to do to him. She wrote about how just talking to him makes her day so much more wonderful, etc. She even wrote once that she wished she had fallen in love with him sooner in life and that she will never be able to get over him. She wrote about how her body craves him in so many ways. She even sent him dirty pictures of herself.

I also come to find out that she would call him from her work phone up to 3-4 times a week and he would call her.

The only reason I do not believe they ever actually met is because he lives about an hour and a half away and there last messages to each other were along the lines of "When can this happen?" and "I cant wait for you to do these things to me!".

So, after I found out about all of this I asked her if she had any email accounts I didnt know about and she said "no?" Then I asked her about the email account that I knew about and she still said "I have no idea what you are talking about!". So then I said, here, allow me to login for you and with her sitting there she watched me login to her email account from her laptop. She instantly turned ghost white and started crying. I even had her read some of the messages to me.

I was shaking uncontrollably and crying. One of the messages that will stay with me forever is the one where she told him she wants him to c*m inside of her and watch him while he thrusts into her.

I called her parents and told them what was going on and her dad came to pick her up. He was very displeased with her as you could imagine and she stayed with her parents. I told her before she left that if you talk to this guy at all again you will never see me again unless at a divorce court hearing.

After she was at her parents for a few days I drove down there to pick her up and drove to one of the major lakes and parked the car overlooking the water at the boat dock. There we talked about the situation and she told me the night she left she called him (from her moms phone) to tell him that he ruined her life and to never speak to me again. She called him when i told her not too. I told her that if she wanted to tell him to leave her alone she could have done that while I was in the room with her listening to the phone conversation.

We have been talking and its been about 10 days since this happened. I am so broken up by this I dont know what to do. This is the woman of my life, the only woman I have ever loved since puberty! I married my soul mate. She now again claims that she loves me and that it was "just words" and she never "told" him she loves him and they never met in person.

She knows I am barely surviving this and the rollercoaster ride of emotions that I am battling has my head spinning out of control.

Tomorrow we are supposed to go a vacation with her family and I dont think I should go but at the same time... it's a vacation and we go once a year.

We have been having sex, some of the hottest sex of my life up to this point that I will never forget. She understands that I haven't made up my mind as to what to do with this yet and shes no wearing her wedding or engagement rings (as I took them off of her).

What do I do here?

Do I take back the woman I love that has told me a million times sorry and she has changed as a person from this experience and will always protect me from pain from now on? She will always do the right thing? She will call me immediatly if he ever tries to contact her? She will spend the rest of her life making it up to me?

Should I believe her? What happeneds to me if she does it again? I came very close to ending my own life once I found out about this. Extremly close. I know I wouldnt be able to survive another go around.

The primary questions are:

1. Should I go on vacation with her and her family this week?
2. Should I give her another chance?

Warmest Regards,

Jason


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## JBMB0922 (May 14, 2010)

Hi,

I just wanted to comment on the fact that she does NOT work wih this individual and he is also married. He did goto the same high school as we did though. He is also not very good looking and is generally not liked by many people because his personality is poor.

She did date him for about 2 months shortly before her and I started dating and she has always told me that they did nothing sexually together. (Most likely becuase they were simply too young... 12 or 13 years old).

Jason


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## russ101 (Jan 8, 2010)

The only reason this did not turn physical is because of the distance. It is obvious that she wants this man. You need to find out why she would say these things to him, if she didn't want him. She will have no good answer. It is a hard choice to make whether you want to stay with her or not, however, if you do choose to stay (she very well may go back to the same behaviors again, why not, she has done it twice already, each time saying how sorry she was). If you do stay, you need to have complete access to EVERYTHING no questions asked (phone messages, nothing deleted, etc). and absolutely no contact whatsoever with this man. I would say the first time I find out you contacted this man again, we are through, period. I would also invest in marriage counciling again. No women is ever worth taking your life. Even your soulmate. The real issue you need to find out about is why is she doing this in the first place? Good luck, if you decide to take her back. I don't know if I would a second time.


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## JBMB0922 (May 14, 2010)

Russ101,

You have some very good points and comments and things that have already played out in my mind. The major question I have is why? Didn't you see how much this hurt me/us the first time around? And the first time around she was just hiding phone calls/messages that were "innoncent" in nature. This time around she did it again... but this time it was so sexually explicit in nature I had no idea this woman was even capable of some of the things she said.

I feel empty inside. And, you're right that its not worth killing yourself over however shortly after finding all of this out and reading messages about how she was asking him to come to our house and bend her over the bed and c*m inside of her and how shes loves him. Reading messages about how she's calling him babey, hunny, sweety, ending messages "with all my love".

Even typing that makes me jittery and raises my blood pressure through the roof. Put yourself in that moment. She did what she swore would never happen again. I'm very lucky that it took me more than 30 seconds to find my gun, flip off the safety, and take deep breathes before starting the squeeze the trigger. I had a relevation in that moment, or whatever you want to call it, and I couldnt go through with it. Even though I wanted to end the pain right then and there.

I know I wouldn't be able to survive another one of these episodes. And if I did take her back, what then? Will she simply stop for awhile and then a few years down the road "learn from her mistakes" and do everything possible to make sure she doesnt get caught, again. Or does she learn from her mistakes and simply not do it anymore?

I would have access to her phone, to her every move. GPS tracking, etc. She wouldn't be able to "go out with the girls" randomly without me. She wouldn't have the ability to really do anything without my presence.

I will always question what happends if he meets her after work for a quickie or something? Before I see her and she kisses me. She went on for months lying to me. 

This would be HUGE on my part to take her back. I understand that to a T. Most men wouldn't have stuck around after the 1st one. Now here we are at the 2nd?

Im soo lost, hurt, mad, angry, and I really feel bad for this guy when/if I see him again. He manipulated my wife again, even after I warned him the first time to stay away from her.

She cries everyday and she has told me this experience is changing her for the better. She understands finally how bad this hurts and she said she is dieing inside for hurting me like this. It seems pretty genuine.

So now, finally, is she "right in the head"?

Do I take the chance?

Jason


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

No, she's not right in the head, but I don't say that for the same reason you ask it. First, sit back, take a deep breath, and try to relax for a moment. 

Stop harping on what she did and how many times she did it.

Stop torturing yourself with thoughts of the things she said to him.

Stop wanting to get back at that guy. He is not married to you and doesn't owe you any particular loyalty or obedience.

Don't ever think a *person* is worth killing yourself over.

Stop thinking you can track her every move. No one wants to live like that and neither do you.

Stop wondering what she will do in the future and how she might go about it.

I ask you to stop doing these things because they are not healthy, won't accomplish anything, and you're looking at this situation from the wrong point of view.

Before I continue, let me say she very likely will do this again. The reason is that you keep dwelling on the fact that she did it. And, she keeps apologizing over the fact that she did it. What you both need to figure out/find out is WHY she did it. Once she, herself, understands why, then it becomes less likely she will do it again. Once you understand why, then it will be easier to forgive her and easier to trust her again. But the *why* has to be satisfied first. I don't think marriage counseling will do you any good. Instead, she needs individual counseling, and you can be a part of that on occasion. So get her that kind of personal help ASAP.

Her actions sound pretty adolescent to me, like something a teenager does behind her parents' back. Then she further acts like a child by crying and apologizing and making promises to you, only to turn around and do it again. You married the love of your life. You married your soul mate. You married a child stuck in junior high school. I think she never got these things out of her system. She never experienced love, breakups, heartbreak, etc. the way most teenagers do because the two of you had each other all wrapped up from an extremely early age. I'm truly surprised you don't do similar things, but not every teenager has to get these experiences out their system. She was never free and single. She never experienced the thrill of liking boys and them liking her. She didn't get that kind or amount of attention. She didn't get the opportunity to be naughty and sneaky from her parents. Generally, she was a good girl who grew up with her boyfriend. Some people handle that better once they reach adulthood, such as yourself, but I'm sure you can imagine that most people do not stay with the same boy from the time they are 14 years old. There is a lot that she missed out on, and there's a lot she still wants to do. In other words, she never got to sow her wild oats. 

If discovery during individual counseling proves that I am right, then the two of you can decide from there exactly how you want to proceed. In the meantime, I wonder something very personal. You don't have to respond, as I just want to drop a lug in your ear and offer food for thought. I wonder how you know to please your wife. How do you know HOW to please her? What I imagine is the two of you learned sex together, which is the reason I wonder. This is a very big deal, so please don't comment that you know she is sexually satisfied. I don't believe you can know that for certain, but it isn't something I want you to discuss, so please don't respond. But do investigate. Learn how to make love to her, which is not the same as having sex. Great sex to you doesn't necessarily mean it is just as great for her, but women generally are not able to articulate things of this nature (which is entirely different from the things she said to him). She has been with you and only you for too many years. She never truly learned herself and doesn't know the words to express to you. Just food for thought and suggesting you find books and websites that teach you how (the techniques) to do what you do. I imagine you and she both are too inexperienced to truly know.


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## JBMB0922 (May 14, 2010)

Susan,

Thanks for your comments. I completely agree with you that her actions are "childish".

I also agree with your comments about what I should be thinking. However, as you could imagine, that is MUCH easier said than done.

As far as sowing the wild oats... Let me talk about that for awhile.

Her wild oats:
Before I started dating her (when she was 14) she had already had mutliple boyfriends and sexual partners. I know, it sounds weird to me now (being 25) but I was not her first. She had many boyfriends and she was "my first". At first it ate me up to think that she had sexual encounters with other boys but after awhile (as I grew up) I realized that was before my time and thinking about it will never do me any good. She has told me that I was her first in a lot of different sexual aspects as well as I am the only person that has ever given her an orgasm.

During high school we had broken up a couple times. One was because I found out she was out on a date with a guy that she tried hiding from me and he told me they had sex but she denies it to this day.

Another time we broke up was because I was getting ready to graduate high school and she was away in college. She wasnt around anymore and all of the girls saw that as "their chance to move in". I held out until a couple months before I graduated and I didnt want to cheat on her so we seperated. long story short is that I never had sex with any other girls and it didnt take me long to realize that what I was looking for all along was already right in front of me.

We both went to different colleges but made time to see each other almost every weekend and mutltiple times throughout the week (this was before gas was so pricey).


I think you might be spot on about having her go to therapy, this time by herself. That is something I will ponder and seriously consider.

Now, we need to talk about the sex side of things since you brought it up. We know how to please each other. This has been the keystone of our entire relationship from since we were young. I can remember back early in our relationship we barely even talked and just learned each others bodies all night. 

As husband and wife, our sex just gets better and better everday. After this happened 10 days ago, we saw each other this past monday and she reached orgasm about 4 or 5 times. Incredible. Since I know her body so well I know where her buttons need to be pushed and how hard or lightly and when to push them. We both do this to each other. We have spent time watching porn together. We also occasionaly bring new sex toys into the bedroom to experience and play with them.

My point here is the sex side of the house is, has, and always will be amazing. There really isnt a problem in that department. However, one of the keys that tipped me off that something was going on was that she was not as interested as she usually was. She wouldnt put much effort into it. All part of her becoming distant because she had another man on her brain.

I really cant stress enough that is not the issue.

Im glad you brought it up though, was fun to talk about.

Jason


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## foxtrot (May 13, 2010)

She was unable to make her fantasies real because of her distance problems. If you are going to give her third chance then you better be sure that you'll be looking over your shoulder for a long time. Are you ready for this mentally? If you are going to monitor her all activities then she'll get tired say after 4 months...

Ball is in your count. Use it wisely.


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## JBMB0922 (May 14, 2010)

Foxtrot,

Thank you for your comments.

I am not sure if I am or would ever be ready mentally. I seriously feel like a completely different person after being hit by this locomotive. It's pain I never thought that could ever hurt like this. No wonder some countries have serious laws on adultry/affairs etc.

As far as monitoring all of her activities, that's the only way it could work for me. If she has nothing to hide or isn't doing anything wrong then she shouldn't have a problem with it.

I dont know anymore, I really don't.

I really wish someone out there had all of the answers to my questions. They could tell me the answer to this question is....

Obviously, that is a rhetoric statement and I know I have to make up my own mind since she said she would do anything to take back what she did.

The one thing I find particulary disturbing is that she says 99% of this is her fault but 1% of this is mine. I would like to believe her however from our therapy we had at the end of last year I changed as a person. I visited her at work and we went out to lunch a few times. I would hug her everyday and comment on how beautiful she is and remind her all of the time that I love her. We would talk at the end of the day and usually "go to bed early" but never actually fall asleep until much later .

One of the signs that tipped me off was that I noticed over a period of time was that she was becoming slightly distant from me. She didnt want to talk as much and she was not as interested in sex with me. It turns out that was about the same time this second emotional affair started. When she tries to even attempt to put blame on my shoulders for her actions its something I will not accept. Having an affair, emotional or physical, is never the answer. And it would have been physical if it was not for the distance (as many people already pointed out). I know I am not a perfect person and everyone has their flaws but I will never let her try to blame me even with 1% for what she did to me, us, and our families.

I dont know anymore, I really dont.

Thanks for all of your comments.


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## JBMB0922 (May 14, 2010)

Even though I didnt get on the plane with her yesterday I decided to go down to florida tomorrow. I have plans to call her from the beach where she will be and talk to her.

I really cant wait to see the look on her face when she realizes its me! 

Soo, I'm seriously considering attempting this one again...but this time, there will be hours/days/weeks of talking with her about this issue and the why's. This time, she will goto counsiling by herself and without me in the room.

This time, we are going to kill this weed at the roots so it cant grow back.

I kinda feel dumb for even considering doing this let alone understand where my mind is going. I have to be very careful and not send her the message of "it's ok, you can do this to me anytime you want and I'll take you back". This will be a challenge.

The problem is that I am addicted to her like a herion addict. It may even be somewhat unhealthy. I cant stand being more than 5 feet away from her let alone halfway across the country.

Ahhh.. why does life have to be sailing along so perfectly and then smash you in the face with the biggest challenge of your life.

Since this happened to me, does this mean that I never have to pass a kidney stone? Ha!

Jason


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## JBMB0922 (May 14, 2010)

UPDATE:

Good afternoon! I wanted to provide an update with what has happened in the last week.

So I got on the plane on Sunday morning and made it to the beach she was at about 1 in the afternoon. I called her from the beach and she didnt answer so since I didnt exactly know where she was going to be I walked down the beach and then back up it looking for her. As luck would have it I saw her walking with her sisters about 50 yards in front of me on her way to layout. Of course she calls me and my heart is racing like it never has before. So as she's talking to me she says, "Well, you know I can see you?!" Ha!

I wanted to just sit and stare at her beauty for awhile and maybe try writing some words in the sand for her but the shirt I had on was unique and it gave me away.

So I walked up to her and she was pretty much in shock that I was there. I was hoping for the running up and jumping on me screaming and knocking me down hug that I have never gotten before but thats ok. She was happy to see me though and for one second I could see the sparkle in her eye that I hadnt seen in quite sometime.

So we then took a tour of the house we were staying at... Her mom was possibly more shocked to see me than Brandy was... was kinda funny.

Then we began talking about our problems and issues at hand. The first couple days we got along and were civil (true for 95% of the week as well) and basically feelings just flew everywhere. It was messy... We both had to put raincoats on because it was pouring feelings.

Then by some miracle I was going through a pile of books and found one entitled "Fit to be Tied" by Bill & Lynne Hybels. I started reading this book (skipping the first few chapters since they talked about being single and preparing for marriage) and found that it hits so close to home. The personal storied they share was like living my life vicariously through them. They talked about their problems and how they overcame them. Some of the topics include; speaking your spouses love language, keeping the romance alive, peace talks, effective communication.

With this book my wife and I were able to successfully figure out this time (and the first time this happened) as to why she chose this path.

1. We were not keeping the romance alive... Just like the book talked about, she was not being romanced. Once someone else came along that gave her that time she folded under the pressure. She couldnt get rid of that "new car feeling" even though she new it was wrong.

2. We were not communicating... Again, the book talks about this A LOT. Sure, we were communicating with "hi!", "bye", "drive safe", "love you", but we were not communicating on a deep and emotional level. We were not connecting with each other.

3. I was not speaking her love language... Her love language we have found is the same as mine. She originally thought it was doing acts of service but that was only because she simply wanted more help around the house. We both realize now that both of our love languages is spending time with each other and giving each other plenty of affection/attention.

4. Low religious values on marriage, fidelty, and honesty.

5. Poor conflict resolution. We identified both of our conflict resolution styles and how we can overcome them and better ourselves.


Now that I talked about all of the things ( I believe I got them all)... I would like to share a brief summary on what we are putting in place to overcome these obstacles.

1. We are planning a date night once a week. Just the two of us. And we will continue this till death do we part. If kids come along we will be getting a babysitter or a family member will watch. We both forgot that we are husband and wife FIRST... that comes before any and everything else. I am honestly getting butterflies in my stomach just thinking about date night! 

2. We have to communicate effectively on a deep level everyday. We need to talk about our feelings and be completely honest with one another. On vacation last week it was nice to have at least one evening where we watched the sunset together and we talked about our childhood, favorite things, favorite memories, etc. It really felt for a second like everything would be ok and everything was right with the world.

3. I have to speak her love languge. And, if one of us is not feeling loved we simply need to say to one another that "I am not feeling loved" and we can drop what we are doing and work to speak each others language.

4. Somehow this slipped between the cracks on me. This one I put on my shoulders for ignoring our religious values (not going to church) etc. We need to grow together religously in order to provide a solid and effective religious base to improve our relationship with God and scripture.

5. We both identified that she uses an "Eskimo" approach to conflict resolution. If something is bothering her she will not bring it up and simply let it "simmer". My conflict resolution is to "come out shooting". When she brings a problem to my attention I would snap back with comments and would be unwilling to compromise. She has learned that her approach is wrong and I have learned that mine is as well. This is where "Peace talks" are so important.


With all of that said, now I will bring my readers (if any) up to the latest speed.

After we got back from vacation (on Saturday) she said she needed time to think and get her head on straight and stay at her parents house. Because I am having trouble trusting her as far as I can throw her (and because her parents are not there this week) I could only imagine she was going to see him, talk to him, etc.

So I did the only thing I could think to do and drove the 45 minutes and parked my car close enough to the house to watch it. I felt like a true creeper but it was the only way I could keep my mind sane. Of course she called me and was outside when I drove by so my gig was up. She invited me to come inside and said I didnt have to do that. She said she was never going to speak to him again or hurt me again. Shes telling me everything that I want to hear but I just cant determine if its what she is really thinking.

So, eventually I went inside and we talked. Lately she has been spending her time away from me writing down her feelings and I got to read some of what she recently wrote. We talked for awhile and eventually we ended up having another extremely passionate love making session that drove both of us absolutely wild. I kissed her good night and drove back home.

Yesterday is what I will consider "D-Day". I asked her on vacation if she would take a polygraph exam and she said she would. So, when she came back to the house here we went for a quick dinner and I told her that we have a scheduled exam (over the phone) she would take. She immediatly refused and would not take it. I told her if she doesn't take it than we are through. I cannot live the rest of my life with her wondering if she actually "went the distance" and slept with this man or did anything physical with him at all. After some heated drama I eventually got her into my car as I told her I was going to take her back to her parents house since we are through. As we drove down I did most of the talking trying to get her to see that she was throwing away everything by doing this. Eventually, we had some miscommunication on the way back which frustrated me to the point I even scared myself. I know I have it in me to get extremely angry (which is why I was decent at playing football in high school). I told her that I am not allowing her to throw it all away and told her she is going to take this test.

After we made it back to the house she was scared of me and simply wanted to get away. She didnt want to be around me and see me the way I was. She didnt want to see what she did to me. She hates that side of me and knowing that she caused me that much pain kills her inside.

She sat on the couch as I begged and pleaded with her to tell me the truth. Alls I wanted was the truth. And she finally laid it one me....

"I am so sorry. This is the hardest thing for me to ever tell you. The reason I need to be away from you and get my head on straight is because I have feelings for him. Nothing ever got physical. I didn't want to tell my husband that his wife has feelings for another man. I know I love you and I know I don't love him, but there are feelings there. It kills me to tell you this".

I was so proud of my wife for finally telling me the truth and so devistated at the same time. I cried like I havent cried before and she did too. It all finally was clear to me. I then threw up for about the 20th time since this whole situation started to unfold a few weeks ago.

As I look back and as I look into her eyes today I can see that sparkle is lost. It's not there like it used to be. I am so frustrated with myself and I feel helpless in this situation. Theres not much I can do other than to hold on for dear life.

I know I love this woman with my entire heart. If there is anything good that came of this entire mess it was my realization that I love her.... unconditionally. There will never be another human being in my life more precious than her.


This morning she sent me an email saying that she didn't want to talk to anyone today including me but maybe she will talk to me later. She has also told me that she loves me and she will not speak to this man again. She said she will tell me immediatly if he tries to talk to her. I can only pray that she means what she says. She is lost right now but I am hoping that she soon realises the difference between Mature Love and a puppy dog romance.

If there is any adivce as to what I can do, or any thoughts on this matter as a whole I would be happy to hear them.

All I know is that I love her.


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## culinary1972 (Oct 14, 2009)

WOW. I really know your pain. Our stories are similar to some degree, but my wife's affair went from emotional to physical and it went on for quite some time. 

I know what you mean by thoughts of suicide. I have been there also. In my line of work, I chase extreme storms and just last week, I geared my car for tornado chasing, made a will, and headed to the first tornado (16 touched that night). All I wanted to do was drive directly into the first twister. I even told my wife that I was chasing a tornadic supercell that night, that i don't know what's going to happen and if she has anything to share do it now. All she did was get angry at me for using my car. Obviously it did not happen as I am writing to you today.

I remember D-Day back in September of last year. I also key-logged the computer and found just that night that the other man sent a nude picture of himself to my wife. I precisely remember opening the other email accounts including her work account (as she has web-based outlook) and finding tons and tons of evidence. I remember running to the bathroom and throwing up just like you mentioned. The shaking, the amount of tears, everything. I shake right now just typing this message to you. 

My wife denied anything ever happened, until several weeks ago when I knew her story was not straight and again I started the questioning. I have left her alone since October but still kept that bugging feeling inside. Now she confessed to not only an emotional affair, but a physical one as well. 

The only reason why she finally confessed to the physical affair is because I threatened her with a divorce. I am like you, I finally found my soulmate and do not want to leave her. I feel ashamed that I have degraded myself to the accusations, questioning, badgering, and emotions that I have piled on top of her. Please keep in mind that she only confessed to one incident of sex when I am aware (through circumstancial evidence) that there were many more incidents. Also, I am being told that I am being emotionally abusive since I am pushing for the truth. That I am using tactics and many other torturous mental techniques to get her to confess to everything. I agree that I have been a monster to her lately and that I am abusing her emotionally, but to be truthful to you, all I want is honesty so the closure can begin. That's all I want is closure.

Anyways, enough about my story. Please take a moment to read the thread "going insane" by culinary1972. I hope that it will answer questions, and give you strength. Do not give up on your own life. It's not worth it. Remember that love does conquer all, and with time, patience, understanding, respect, and love this too shall pass. I know that your emotions are an absolute rollercoaster, I share that same boxcar with you, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Yes your wife is lost and needs guidance to find the right path. As I was told about my wife, your wife at this time is an alien. Give her all the right reasons for her to come back to you. Everything will work out just fine just give it time. Time is not a luxury that I have anymore as this has gone on long enough, and she keeps lying even in the face of overwhelming evidence, hence the desperation that I am feeling as I feel time is killing everything for me. One thing you will note are the precise details regarding my story. The reason for that is that I am a web programmer and network technician by education, and I analyze events that have taken place by details, logic, and numbers. That is why the other reason my emotions are killing me. I am not used to dealing with emotions.

Your friend,
Mario


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## JBMB0922 (May 14, 2010)

Mario,

Wow, thanks for the insight. You just described what I am feeling when I even had trouble doing it. It is good to know I am not the only person going through this, but, at the same time, it makes me even sadder.

I would like to work it out with her but like you, I dont believe I am getting the entire story.

She left for work today and now shes not coming back or even wants to tell me where she is.

The only thing she is doing is saying she needs time and every moment that I am away from her, even as I sit here, I don't know what she could be doing.

Tonight will be painful and I think if I can get through tonight then tomorrow will be a new day.

I am going to sleep tonight and when I wake up in the morning I am not going to care about her feelings anymore. She obviously stopped caring about mine a long time ago.

I have to let this woman go. I hate the person I have become because of this. I have to stop thinking about her. She stopped thinking about me.

It's so much easier to type that than to actually do it. I'm driving myself crazy....

I have to stop doing this to myself. I have to stop this pain I am feeling. I have to start only thinking about myself and my two dogs. I have to stop.

She is only focusing on "how crazy" I am being. And everytime I ask something of her the answer is almost absolutely always "no!". I guess I just assumed if someone did something completely and utterly disgusting to the person they truly loved, they would say more "ok, anything you need, I am a fool".

She cant get passed how badly I am hurting and I havent heard her even say she's sorry in the last few days.

Brandy, if you ever read this... Always know that I love you and I would destroy anyone who tries to harm you. I know I've been acting crazy lately but isnt love crazy? Dont you think if I didn't love you, I didnt care about you, then I wouldn't be the least bit upset?

Don't you think the amount of crazy I have been is somewhat of a reflection on how much I love you?

Think about it.

For now, sleep well, my door is always open for you.


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## JBMB0922 (May 14, 2010)

So I just went down there for a 2nd time today and she wouldnt see me either of those times. She's somehow now turned this all around on me and is totally focusing all of her attention on shutting me out.

I am the most depressed I have been throughout this entire situation.

I truly dont want to live anymore.


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## culinary1972 (Oct 14, 2009)

I know it hurts as I am crying uncontrollably while I type. There is a part of me that wants to just die a miserable death. My smoking is out of control, I don't give a damn about my diet, and all I feel inside is that a part of me is dying everyday. 

Please try to understand, your wife is going through several stages that does include anger and distancing herself away from you. She is probably resentful of you that you are taking away her newly found happiness. This will turn to guilt, sadness, and then remorsefulness. Just give it time.

My wife's mood swings were out of control when she finally admitted the affair a few weeks back. I even took her to church and we prayed together, and I told her that I forgive her. She was ice cold, and then she got sad, and then when we tried to have lunch together she started getting angry over the smallest thing that did not make any sense to me. The fact that she hid the affair for so long and tried to live a lie had taken it's toll on her mentally.That I do believe. 

All of this while trying to be gentle, understanding, and patient. Yes there were times that I lashed out trying to make her feel guilty and feel the pain that I felt inside. I also knew and know that she still withholds much of the truth and I tried mindgames to get her to open up. That backfired as I was only becoming emotionally abusive and more distant. 

Just be patient, the truth will come out. I feel your pain man. I really do, like I said before you are not alone. I consider myself to be very emotionally strong, but this pain is tearing me apart and find myself questioning my manhood, and crying all the time. 

Hang in there

Your friend,
Mario


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## culinary1972 (Oct 14, 2009)

Please let me know that you are at least there. I know things aren't ok so I won't ask if they are. I am reaching out to you because this revelation is fresh for you as it is for me and I know how much this hurts. I can't give you answers because I can't even provide them for myself. But at least know that you are not alone.

Feeling like dying I think is normal in this situation, I think. But don't be proactive in that wish. The only assurance I can provide to you is that you will recuperate and become stronger. That I can guarantee, and that is the only fact that I can look forward to instead of ending my life.


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## losinglove (Dec 8, 2009)

Let us know you are still here. If you honestly feel like you are going to doing something go to the ER. Like culinary said, I think this is somewhat normal to feel and you will come out stronger.


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## culinary1972 (Oct 14, 2009)

I don't mean to badger you, but at least take heed of these statements I will give you. I honestly want to take my life right now as we speak as the pain is unbearable. I have 100 pills of medication ready to take, but I won't for one reason. Let me show you the only reason that is keeping me alive right now....










Go back and look at the pictures of the wonderful times the both of you shared. This should help


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## JBMB0922 (May 14, 2010)

Still here.

I had a complete emotional breakdown yesterday and went to the ER because the pain was unbearable. I couldn't handle it.

Was transported by Ambulance to another nearby hospital with specialists. I was surrounded by doctors and therapists and was able to talk through my issues and I feel alot better now.

All of them classified as me as "non-suicidal" and determined that my emotions are normal for this type of situation. I stayed the night in the hopsital and actually got sleep for the first time in a few days. Fell asleep around 9 and woke up about 7:30. Big difference from only a few hours a night.

While I was in the hopsital I got a message from her sister saying she has a PFA against me and she is coming to the house to get her things and leave. This is because when we were discussing our problems I scared her by being really mean and acting like a crazy person would. I didnt hit her however I scared her and myself enough that I think I have lost her forever.

I am on medication now to help with the pain. Basically, it stops my anxiety and nervous system from its overcharged state. I feel normal again for the first time in a month.

She turned this whole situation around on me and now I am a monster for getting mad.

We apparently have a court date to review the PFA on the 1st so I don't know if I'll get to see her then or not. I am still hopeful for each of us going to counseling seperately...

I am fighting so hard to save us both and she doesn't want to fight at all. I am assuming its because she is with the other man as I type this and it hurts really bad but the medication is helping tremendesly.

I can't believe that I love this woman more than I ever have. I just wish she would want to fight for this too however it seems she doesn't want to....


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

jbm, are you all right? This can be turned around; we have the tools, if you want them. Let us know.


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## JBMB0922 (May 14, 2010)

Tell me how... please!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The first thing you have to do is get yourself in good shape - FOR yourself. You have to work on your mental state so that you are ok with yourself because you know you are valuable and deserve her. What are you doing to that end?


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## JBMB0922 (May 14, 2010)

I dont know... Im drinking all the time now and been taking my medication along with it. That count?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yeah...not really. I look at that as a waste of money - you paid good money for your booze AND your meds, and neither one is being used for the right reason.


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## Quads123 (May 27, 2010)

JBMB0922 said:


> I dont know... Im drinking all the time now and been taking my medication along with it. That count?


Yeah that's the ticket... I am depressed lets drink and take meds on top of that. You will dig yourself out of your hole in no time with that logic. 

/endsarcasm

I know you are in a fragile state but what you are doing isnt the answer. You have to focus on YOU I know it seems hard. What else can you do. If you focus on her then you are going to loose your MIND!!!


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## helpplease (May 20, 2010)

I feel all your pain. I found out about my wifes EA 8 days ago. She has stated that she will break all contact with the guy but it is so hard to fully put your trust back in the one you love. I know what you mean by feeling addicted to the one you love. 
I found out that the "why" was exactly what you stated. I was not hitting her emotionally with what she needed.
So it took an email from someone else to start the spark in her. For 3 months I had no idea.
I think these things must all hit us exactly the same. I had the same feelings that you. I have not and will not resort to alcohol or drugs though, just feel the pain everyday.
There are ups and downs everyday. I want to look up everything and see exactly what she is doing but the only way is to install a spy program on her phone. Not something I want to do. How can one live like this, it can't happen. I will never build up trust if I continue to dwell on the past. 
I am going to try and get through this. She has stated all the same things your wife has said to you, it will never happen again and she is so sorry and never meant for this to happen. I believe her that she never meant for this to happen, who really wants to destroy their marriage and emotionally kill their spouse.
I just hope that I can let go of the negative feelings that rule my days such as: who is she texting, why is she late coming home, and many others like that. This is the hardest thing to overcome before we can truly have a healthy relationship.
I like you felt intimacy was great, and we both have stated that "sex" between us is amazing, but what about "making love"? This is the emotional side that I know I was missing and trying to figure out how to get that back. Somewhere we got lost, like you, and got in the routine of just "sex". This obviously is not enough to maintain a strong marriage.
My sister has told me that unless I can stop wanting to check logs of computer and phone this relationship is doomed, and I would have to agree. This is the hardest part.
After reading your story I am also scared that it will happen again, but can only hope it will to.
You are not alone and I truly feel all of your pain. Stay strong and don't give up your self pride and dignity, this will only mess you up more. I refuse to give this up and if it gets to that point, as the song goes, "It's time for me to fly". There are many people out there and you do not deserve this.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Your wife has to let you have open access to everything. What does she have to hide? Transparency is what you need. If you don't think you can ask for it, have someoneelse do it for you "on their own". Let one of your friends or relatives have that confrontation. You won't be snooping if everything is public.


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## JBMB0922 (May 14, 2010)

Ok, time for an update.

I still have prescription meds for my anxiety and am obviously depressed and have extreme trouble focusing, sleeping, no apetite, etc.

With that said, I have been weaning myself off of those medications for the last couple days and havent had a drink in a bit. Drinking has never been a problem for me, just drink socially at events or once or twice a month at the bar with my friends. I have since depleted my beer accrue from the fridge, lol.

Anyway, we had the court date and she showed up with a lawyer and asked for 12 months of no contact and she can stay at her parents house. Wow, I obviously disagreed and I SHOULD have asked the judge for a continuance to gain legal council because I knew I could beat this and prove to her that this (pfa) is a complete mistake and waste of time. She didnt get hit, was never in any REAL danger as she knows I wouldnt hurt her.... But, I didnt, tried to beat it on my own and she got her way, again.

So, shes still living at her parents house but the judge wants us to goto counseling and communicate as much as possible because he understands that this CAN be saved.

The ball is still completely in her court. She knows how I feel but as the days go by and she continues acting this way it makes me question why I am fighting so hard. Thoughts keep creeping in like... maybe I should go out into the world and find a woman who will love, honor, cherish, and respect me the way that I deserve. No one deserves to be cheated on and no one deserves to be bullied around after the fact.

We have even been seeing each other here and there as she has invited me to see her at night after her family is asleep and talk outside for a bit. The first time was like 5 minutes and this last time was around 10-15. Last night seeing her was great. We were hugging, kissing, talking about good things.

I have been reading the book "His Needs, Her Needs" with great relevations and success. Anyone who is going through an affair needs to read this book. Anyone who wants to NOT go through one needs to read this book. Anyone who has hurt their spouse by having an affair needs to read this book to understand why they did what they did.

READ "HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS"... it will help ALOT and possibly avoid a lot of pain for you and give you answers to questions.

At this point, I am the one trying to contact her. She is not trying to contact me at all. She tells me she loves me, etc. though. So many mixed messages its hard to decipher.

I'll update again once I have more solid information but as you all can see its still "up in the air" but I am fighting for this until she sends me divorce papers in the mail.


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## X-unknown (Oct 14, 2011)

Jason:

I don't know if your still active as this post is so long ago. Anyway, the part about the EA other then the explicit sex emails and the post admission of an EA and post admission mondo sex sounds like a rerun of my life. 



JBMB0922 said:


> Hi,
> 
> I wanted to talk about an issue that I would like the community to comment on.
> 
> ...


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## Subi (Apr 4, 2012)

Oh my goodness.. I would give the world to have a husband like one of you guys. Life is not fair. Those women do not realise they have gemstones in husbands. They have completely abused you both and they do not even realiise how truly lucky they are. That is the problem... you love them too much. But good luck to you both.. hope things turn out in your favour eventually.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

zombie thread!!


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> zombie thread!!


A night of the living death


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

I thought about looking for an elderly thread or two to revive shortly after I started posting here. It's almost a Rite of Passage.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

My heart goes out to you. I am truly sorry; but, this woman is not worthy of your love. Take stock of your self, read up on the "180" and move n with your life. I have been in your shoes and know the pain. It WILL get better and you will find someone who really loves you. Also, you need to tell the other mans wife/girl friend NOW!

Good luck


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