# Young flame, burning out far too fast.



## roguebrittany (Apr 3, 2011)

*I posted something on here the other day, in Sex in Marriage. The people who replied were very helpful with that, but I'd like to see if I could get some help with another issue that I think has caused the intimacy problem within my marriage. *

*First off,*
I'm young. We've only been married for about 3 months now. A while before this, we were involved in a long distance relationship for about two years. Towards the end of that, (we ended up taking a "break") he really hurt me. As in, the day that we decided to take this "break", he updates his online profile (fb) to "Finally found a good woman". Yes, I checked his (fb). Because I was curious to see if there were any clues on there about why he'd become so.. reluctant to call or text me as often. I guess I found my answer. Shortly after, I texted him to at least say goodbye. Some... less than lovely hick of a woman calls me & starts yelling at me. Telling me that she's his fiance now. They're getting married.. blah blah blah. He refuses to ever talk to me after this. So, I try my best to move on, but it was hard. I can honestly say that he's the only man I've ever loved. 

*So you're probably wondering how we ended up married.*
About 4 months later, I'm going through the history on my laptop, coming across his old profile. I notice that he and his hick have split up. Against better judgment, I decided to text his old number to see if it still worked. After only a few hours I get a reply. He tells me how sorry he is, that his ex had deleted my number, and all my info. Etc, etc. I continue texting him.. wanting some answers. All he does is apologize. 

Maybe I just missed him, maybe the time apart helped, I don't know. But only a month after we started talking again, he drove the 900 miles (to where I was now living) to come get me. After that, things were wonderful. Our relationship was revived. We were intimate at least everyday, if not a few times a day, lol. Our communication was amazing, I felt like he really was sorry, and that we really were going to be okay this time. 

*About seven months ago..*
Things abruptly changed. The intimacy was all but gone. I had to initiate, it had always been mutual before. We stopped talking so much. His job at the time, was time consuming. So I didn't think there was any issue. We go grocery shopping one night, and get back to the car, I see him answer a text, but there's a picture of a woman. At first, I decide its not an issue, even though in the back of my mind, I knew something was up. A couple of days later, I decide to check his phone while he was asleep. I felt _incredibly_ guilty for doing this, but I just needed to know. I'd never done something like this before. But, I'm glad I checked. He'd been talking to another woman. Sending pics, complimenting her. I check the call log. Apparently he'd been calling her from work. (He was out days at a time, oilfield job) He talked to her like he'd talked to me in the beginning of our relationship. Telling her how gorgeous she was, how talking to her made her day. Even when he and I were together.. 

I immediately woke him up & told him I was leaving. He told me that he'd never been with her physically. I believed that. Our car was a piece of crap, and she lived kinda far away. Plus, he was always working. Anyways, I told him.. that I still considered it cheating. Emotional affairs are sometimes more difficult to live with. I can learn new moves in the bedroom, loose weight, be more open minded. If he was having sex because I wasn't doing it for him, I'd be more inclined to understand. But an emotional affair was devastating. Because more than anything, I try to be there for him. I try to show him that I love him. Every day, I would try to find ways to let him know what he meant to me. I had started writing notes and hiding them in his wallet, before this ordeal. But, my point is.. he destroyed me, my faith & trust in our relationship & in him. 

Ever since, our relationship has been.. different. We did get married. But, I feel we're in a rut. You can look up my other post in the Sex in Marriage board. Entitled "are we married or are we room mates?" 

I don't know how to get past this. I want to, but I can no longer get him to communicate, be intimate, and always worry that he's still talking to this woman, or others. I never nag him about it. I don't want to push him away, I'm trying everything I can think of to get back the love of my life. But, sometimes I wonder if I'm making a mistake... 

Sorry so long..


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

man that was long.....!

not the longest mind u, but my eyes nevertheless r crossed.

after that "long & winding road" i now know why no one else has
jumped to answer u here (not yet, anyways).

u see, theres no way to win with u brittany. 

if we coddle u (bad move) with "oh, thats so terrible" stuff,
then we reinforce your patterns of thinking and acting which,
at least appear to me to be a product of yer immaturity/youth/
lack of experience(s)/etc etc.

if we spank u (not the pervie kind) for being so dumb/naive/
clueless/desperate/etc, then we would be too harsh on ya 
for same said above paragraph reasons.

your decision making capabilities seem poor, even tho' i'm aware
of how emotions can overwhelm our reasoning, esp when we
are young(er).

my advice to you is to give up the trash on TV/movies, like 
soap operas, ugly betty, survivor (or better titled "conniver), jerry springer, ophrah winfrey (disguised/discreet but trash all the same), etc and study up here on TAM from other experienced folks; study up online from reputable sources whereever u can, and u'll learn learn learn b4 u apply your
heart soooo needlessly to every life experience that happens
to come yer way.

sure, i know hindsight is 20-20. but with wisdom u'll see fools
and trouble coming yer way often b4 it comes or others do.

i get my wisdom from the bible, and from experienced christians.
the rest is foolishness, or worse yet, truth mixed with a lie.

i'm not perfected yet, but i'm a whole lot better off!

do you know of the bible? have u read/listened to any of it in 
yer young lifetime? are you saved? 

i'll await yer response(s).


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## roguebrittany (Apr 3, 2011)

I do apologize for the length, lol. I just started typing, and that's just what came out.

I'd like to think that I'm more mature than I used to be. TV isn't really my thing. I normally read & talk to people to learn things. I know that I'm young, I also know that I can be naive. My emotions definitely get the best of me sometimes. 

My main concern is that I probably jumped into this marriage too fast. But, I'd really like to make it work. I love him, I love the way things used to be. Plus, I've left my family & friends to be here. I'd hate to just walk away. I don't want pity, I don't want comfort.. I was just hoping maybe I could talk to people with similar problems, or people that have gotten through this & worse. All advice appreciated. I don't know.. I guess, I'm just stuck with what to do next. 

Also, no. I'm not religious.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Girl, I think you probably know your own answer lol, yeah you did jump in too fast, especially with his past history, and now current EA. Love can be blind, I actually would suggest if you are this new in, leave and find another man that truly deserves you. Religion or not, I think you know what the right thing is to do for yourself, I get the love thing, but he's already done this twice so soon in, I personally think he'll keep doing it. I could be very wrong, if you get MC and IC you could both find the tools you need to fix stuff and have a great marriage, but that's just my personal opinion.


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## roguebrittany (Apr 3, 2011)

Thank you for being honest & taking the time to read and comment. 

I'm enrolling us in MC to see if that will help. I guess, that's all I can do at this point. Talking to him now is nearly impossible. I guess we need to either fix this.. or both of us need to move on.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

I read this earlier and don't remember any mention of kids. I just scanned it again and didn't see any. If there are no kids involved, I'd leave this man in a heartbeat. I am quickly coming to the conclusion that once a cheater, always a cheater. That is certainly what it looks like to me from my personal experience and the storied on here. You don't want to have children with this man. 

He'll just end up doing it again later. Then, you'll want harder to "work things out" for the kids' sake. I'm all for working out a marriage. I am trying on mine, but it is quickly heading toward divorce. The difference is, we have 3 kids that will be the ones most hurt. If it's just the two of you, leave and find someone better.

That's just my opinion.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

roguebrittany said:


> I'm enrolling us in MC to see if that will help.



It needs to come from him. Sorry, but if you are the one pushing the MC and he agrees to go, it may just be on the surface. I have offered it as well. My wife declines. However, there are posts on here where the cheating spouse agrees to go to marriage counselling only to continue the affair deeper underground.

If he doesn't see anything wrong with his actions and work hard to fix the problem, MC won't help too much. Again, this is my opinion and I'm pretty bitter at this point. You have to take all advice with a grain of salt, but everyone here has been or is in your shoes.


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## roguebrittany (Apr 3, 2011)

No, we don't have any children. Just the dog, which would actually be an issue if we split. 
I do love him. I guess that's why I'm holding on. He's never abusive towards me, and I have a past riddled with abusive family & exes. 

As far as leaving to find someone better, that isn't my concern right now. I'd just get back into school, which I'd be doing now had I not moved. That's beside the point though. 

I've not mentioned the MC yet. I'm worried about asking, even. I'm just looking up counselors in our area, and other information I need first. That way when I do bring it up, I can have a place/person in mind. I don't know, I hope I'm not trying too hard for nothing.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

HurtinginTN said:


> ... I am quickly coming to the conclusion that *once a cheater, always a cheater*. That is certainly what it looks like to me from my personal experience and the stories on here. You don't want to have children with this man.
> 
> *He'll just end up doing it again later*. Then, you'll want harder to "work things out" for the kids' sake.


Hurting (and rouge too), I am so sorry but I just had to comment on this post. I do realize that right now it looks and feels bleak for you Hurting but I would very much like to remind you of something. I've been working here on this site for about a year and a half now, and whilst I have no doubt that it "feels" like "once a cheater, always a cheater" to you, that just is not the case. I am personal PROOF that remarks like that are really generalizing and disparaging--and further I am personal proof that loyals could just as easily have fallen into affair even if they knew better! 

Not everyone who is disloyal stays in that hard-hearted fog. There are some disloyals like tobio's husband who start to slip down the slope and then stop themselves by coming to their spouse and telling them the truth. There are some who stop immediately once they realize their spouse has found out because they know in their heart of hearts that it has gone too far and that's not them! There are some disloyals who harden their hearts a bit and something happens--like they lose the job or the OP dumps them--and even though it wasn't their first choice, they come around. HERE ON THIS SITE I know of one case where the lady was disloyal and had an OM who was much younger....and she went so far as to blame her hubby and start to move out, and yet for some reason once her employer found out the truth of her affair, she broke and stopped it and now they are doing well! 

Unfortunately what happens here is that the people who write the most are the ones having the hardest time, whose spouses are PARTICULARLY in deep, heavy fog or who are still working through the steps of ending an affair. Once you've ended it and begun working on rebuilding there's not as much to write about here so people stop writing! (shrug)

So please don't do that. Please do not say that anyone who cheats WILL do it again and will stay a cheater. Not all who have affairs continue with a hard heart. Not all leave their marriages. Not all have some kind of weird, morally bankrupt personality defect. The fact is that both partners stopped doing the things that attracted each other in the first place (the actions that kindle the fires of love)...and both partners started doing the things that extinguish love (the actions that put on the blaze). Love CAN be rebuilt if both spouses...BOTH...stop pointing fingers and blaming and work on their own issues, such as ending the behaviors that hurt and being the man who captivated his wife and being the woman who attracted her husband.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> I read this earlier and don't remember any mention of kids. I just scanned it again and didn't see any. If there are no kids involved, I'd leave this man in a heartbeat. I am quickly coming to the conclusion that once a cheater, always a cheater. That is certainly what it looks like to me from my personal experience and the storied on here. You don't want to have children with this man.
> 
> He'll just end up doing it again later. Then, you'll want harder to "work things out" for the kids' sake. I'm all for working out a marriage. I am trying on mine, but it is quickly heading toward divorce. The difference is, we have 3 kids that will be the ones most hurt. If it's just the two of you, leave and find someone better.
> 
> That's just my opinion.


I do think that he can change if he wants to, but it doesn't look to me like he does. Life is too short to wait around and take crap off of someone who can't commit. I think you need to be honest with him about what you need and expect from him. If he's not up to it, it's time for him to say so, and to stop wasting your time. If he can't be faithful to you, find someone who can be. Don't give this dude the best years of your life while you wait for him to change.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

to R-B:

sorry if i came off somewhat harsh. only trying to sober ya up
as u'd understand if u were reading yer posts on THIS side of
the tracks as it were.

yet, there is no escaping telling ya what experience/education/stories of others/etc, has told me/us.

i suggest u get/find spirituality and right soon, as its best way for u to gain clear-concise-faithful wisdom (not the weaker variety kind the "world" offers).

as i see it, u have no real foundation in order to really make proper, rational decisions right from the "get-go." couple this with yer youth and u have a recipe for a (looming?) disaster.

it is wrong for anyone to pooh-pooh this advice, especially to 
someone as young n naive as yerself, for u dont know how vulnerable/defenseless u really are. [i know, i know, getting
harsh again cb....lol]

i'd love to write paragraph after paragraph describing in detail the who's why's how's when's etc, backed up by scripture after
scripture BUT what will it accomplish if u dont open yerself up
in the 1st place to hear/see/apply these rules/lessons/principles
to EVEN see if it is so/true/effective?

a waste of yer time, and certainly mine too. 

i can only tell ya that i've done things my way, and i've done things Gods way. Gods way works, all the time. Gods wisdom trumps all others wisdom, yours/mine/TAM'ers.

so here's my presciption for you (and whys, as applicable):

Call out to God as a sinner. ask for his mercy and his healing.

1. Seek God thru Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit.(or H>S>)
a) gives wisdom to live well each day.
b) gives peace that passes all understanding which u'll see
when u r keeping yer head while the world is LOSING theirs
c) ask the H>S> to teach u when u seek out God.

2. Read the Bible to make yerself open to Gods word/wisdom.
a) this is how u'll hear Gods voice often, thru the scriptures.
b) study to show yerself approved before God.
as this RENEWS yer mind (very, very, important).

3. find a spirit-filled, loving bible based church.
a) we need fellowship in order to carry on and not become
conformed to this world, but transformed by the H>S>
 b) we need encouragement and to encourage other fellow
believers. we hear/see/read how God is working in other
peoples lives, not just our own. 

Theres more of course, but i dont wanna wax long here.


u really wanna change or get control of yer situation, then u'll really consider what little i've shared with ya.

if u like soap operas, or wanna keep gettin what yer gettin' by
keep doin' what yer presently doin', then......listen to those
here who've not "connected all the dots" yet/still.

if u were older n more experienced :lol: u'd understand better what i am saying.....but, perhaps today is the day where u'll comtemplate TRUE change. for perhaps u've heard the cliche':
"insanity is doing the same thing over n over yet expecting change"


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Affaircare said:


> I do realize that right now it looks and feels bleak for you Hurting but I would very much like to remind you of something. I've been working here on this site for about a year and a half now, and whilst I have no doubt that it "feels" like "once a cheater, always a cheater" to you, that just is not the case. I am personal PROOF that remarks like that are really generalizing and disparaging--and further I am personal proof that loyals could just as easily have fallen into affair even if they knew better!


Affaircare, you are correct. I shouldn't be giving any advice at this point. Yesterday was a particularly tough day so I should have refrained from posting any response. I very much respect your advice and did not mean to be disparaging to anyone.


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## roguebrittany (Apr 3, 2011)

Affaircare-
I'm definitely not giving up on "us" yet. I'm going to give us every possible chance to work this out, but I'm not going wait this out for years. I am young, I have a lot I want to accomplish in this life time. Dealing with infidelity & a spouse that I can't be honest and open with is not on that list. Thank you for writing, you've given me some hope.

Oaksthorne-
Thank you, as well. As I said above, I'm going to give him every chance to change. But, I'm not dragging this out forever. 

Cb45-
While I appreciate your support & advice, I still think you're being harsh. I'm not here for hand holding, I know. But I really wish you wouldn't write me off as simply young and naive. I am young, yes. But I don't think that has a lot to do with my current problem. As I know women twice my age that have similar problems in their marriage. In fact, I have a 53 year old friend whose husband is ALWAYS cheating on her. He has been since they were in there 30's. She lives in a resentful denial. I apologize for comparing my issue with another, but I was just wanting to make a point. A lot of people are overly emotional. I don't think age helps someone get over that. 
Also, I am a good person. I am not religious, I do not have any desire to be. But I'm not here to debate that. I feel that I'm good personal, morally, I'm a compassionate person. Religion isn't going to make me any better of person. Nor will it help me be stronger in my marriage.
I do agree that I do need to take control of my relationship, and I'm going to try to do just that.


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