# Found an active dating profile with my partner's photos



## TryinToFindHope (Jun 13, 2017)

The title says it all. 

I have a long term partner that I have stood by through very serious issues and who I believed I would be spending my life with. Turns out that I'm in a position where I am questioning if I'm the only one that was actually committed to our relationship and believed in those little things called love, loyalty and commitment. Finding out about an online dating profile prominently featuring his photos has been an awesome gift to get. Not surprisingly, I want to take it back and exchange it for something that doesn't suck so bad and hurt so much. 

I love my partner. I wouldn't have stuck by him through the hellish past few years when everything and anything did go wrong. I want to believe him when he tells me that it isn't him and that he has no clue what is going on. I want to believe that he loves me, I want to trust him so badly it is screwing with my head. I found out less than 3 days ago and I am up, down and all around. I swing between trusting him and staring at what is pretty much a huge red flag with sirens, whistles and flashing lights - maybe even a flash dance mob. 

I confronted him over the dating profile (found by a single friend that was approached by the profile and she then showed it to me) and he denies it is him and that he has no explanation for it. His best idea is that someone has hacked his old profile to catfish people since:

It is the old dating profile and the pics are the same ones that were on it when we first met (whatever, that was a long time ago and I don't recognise all the photos even if they are old)
The profile approached one of my friends and why would he do that? (I don't think he'd recognise this friend of mine if he met her in person much less saw a pic on a dating site)
He has written emails to the dating site demanding the profile be deleted and reported it to whichever other agency is available for fraud and identity theft. 

He was angry with me for not trusting him and for taking this profile seriously. Then he was kind, gentle and saying that he didn't blame me for being upset because this certainly appears as if he is cheating and that he will work with me to get past this, to do what he can to prove it's not him and to remain in our relationship because he loves me and wants to spend his life me with. Then I get angry and he flares up and says that I need to stop accusing him and acting like I don't have faith in him. In other words, he is angry that I am so quick to believe he is cheating and not giving him the benefit of the doubt when he is doing what he can to prove this profile is no longer under his control. I have been cheated on in the past by a long term ex and I walked. No hesitation, no regrets and no entertaining the idea of reconciliation - the relationship was broken, trust was lost and I wouldn't play the fool for any longer. I went to counselling. I learnt to communicate better, listen to my partner and temperature test the relationship on a gentle but regular basis. I thought I had found someone that had the same values as me when I met my current partner.

But in this current situation, I just don't know what to think. I didn't find any apps on his phone or incriminating texts etc directly linking him to this. This is a situation where an "active" dating profile that was approaching women as late as Saturday night has his photos and the same old lines that attracted me back in the day. None of this makes sense to me. I never thought he was capable of cheating. He's such a blunt person, to the point of being so honest that it can sometimes be hurtful. He is not afraid to leave relationships if they aren't working for him (as demonstrated by his past). But reading things online shows me that smarter and more cluey people than I have been fooled by a cheater. I really just don't understand and I am so confused. I wish I could laugh it off and just trust him. I want to. I really want to. 

I've had no reason to doubt him but now I'm staring at an active dating profile wanting to get in touch with people and with the privacy settings set to max so that only people approached by the profile can view it or find it on the site. Why would a catfish go to that trouble? I just can't wrap my head around it and I read about trickle truth and I wonder if I'm just the biggest chump in the world and looking for any reason to ignore this because I love him so much. And I also worry that he is telling me the truth and that someone has hijacked the old profile and that I am not trusting him and behaving like an emotional tornado destroying our relationship with my insecurities. I'd be deeply hurt if he didn't trust me and accused me of cheating and found a profile with my photos which I didn't know about. 

Honestly, what can I do in this situation? Break up what I have always thought and felt was a wonderful partnership because of an active dating profile? Work past my doubts and insecurities with him to find out that ultimately we are a good match or find out that he's just been gas-lighting me and a lying cheat for years? Both courses of action seem so sucky and fraught with pain. I love this man with all my heart. Up until the weekend, I had no reason to doubt him. Now I'm just a mess. What can I do to try to make this situation better/clearer right now? or at least get it into the healthiest place possible so that we can be adults and find a way forward with the least amount of damage to each other? What can I do to give us the best chance to survive this? What can I do if this relationship has just gone spectacularly belly up? 

Thanks for reading and I hope that people can give me some advice. I want to save the relationship but I think ultimately, I want to be happy and in a loving relationship with a man that adores me and doesn't cheat.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Tell your friend to hit up that profile and chat up the person on the other end of the keyboard.

Then have her set up a date.

And of course you'll be there to see who shows up...

Actually, it might be too late for that now.

Maybe wait a week or two and have her try it.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Is there anything other than the profile to make you suspicious?

Not that I'm discounting the profile, but just looking for any other evidence that might exist.


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## TryinToFindHope (Jun 13, 2017)

That's a really good suggestion but the problem is that I shouldn't have confronted him with the dating profile. He's already written emails to the provider with as many details as he has (I've been copied into the emails) and I'm not too sure how long the profile will actually remain active now. 

This is really painful. At times he is great and supportive/understanding of my emotional upheavals. Other times he is just angry I don't trust him and that there is nothing more he can do about this situation than wait for responses to his emails and proceed from there. In fact, he just ranted at me very angrily via text over this. 

Ugh! I feel like a muppet with a brain full of cotton wool. All my friends know about his 'dating profile' and expect that we have naturally broken up. I haven't done that yet, I'm trying to work through it but now I get the added bonus of exposure of the "cheater" and if he hasn't cheated then this is a horrible situation because he's now always going to feel that he's been labelled that at least with my friends and family. 

I keep thinking what other evidence there could be but I honestly can't think of anything concrete. But the problem is that I am now thinking of every time he was late or cancelled on me as having the potential for him to be dating others (looking at everything through the sudden fog of suspicion). There is no physical evidence only stuff that could be equally innocent or damning. I was trusting and him working late, unexpected stuff coming up was just that...working late or unexpected stuff coming up.


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## Quality (Apr 26, 2016)

Why aren't you married?


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## TryinToFindHope (Jun 13, 2017)

A combination of huge financial debt, health issues, deaths and his general aversion to it after his parents had a nasty divorce. He has expressed that he is open to it and willing to discuss it with me because he is fully committed to me and wants to spend his life with he. He also has told me that understands it is important to me and he wants me to be happy so he is open to it. Or that's his excuse for having his cake and eating it too. 

After our angry exchange (him angry, me trying to stand my ground and expressing how difficult this is for both of us and how sorry I am that he is feeling like I don't trust him because I want to trust him more than anything) I asked if I could call him tonight (I am staying away right now) and he is ignoring me. Yep, I am an emotional tornado and the more I try to lean on him to help me through this madness, the more I feel like he sometimes has the patience and other times just doesn't understand how confusing this is for me.

I want to trust him so much but I am literally holding an picture of an active dating profile in my hand with his pictures all over it and the correct details etc. How do you just accept the profile is a lie on the basis of his word alone? It's not exactly like I am misinterpreting an ambiguous text. This is a DATING profile actively approaching other women. 

He just can't believe how seriously I am taking this dating profile (that he doesn't even know what it is) and it deeply offends him. I don't understand how he can be so blase about it. If I discovered that a dating site had a profile with my pictures all over it and he was upset about it - I'd be falling over myself to prove it wasn't me, try to make him feel better and do whatever I could to reassure him that I loved him. But I guess that it my personality and not so much his. He just seems so angry that I don't trust him and can't get past this (in less than three days) which makes me suspicious and feels like he just wants to rug sweep the matter with me never saying a word about it again. But that could just be the paranoid part of my brain going into overdrive. And you know what? I also can understand his point of view. I can understand that if he didn't set up the profile then this would be confusing to him and my going on and on about it just shows how little I trust him and how willing I am to believe in such a bad character trait of him. On top of that, he knows that everyone now thinks he is a cheater. How awful is that if you haven't don't anything wrong? It's unfair and it would piss me off too. I'd also feel like my partner was throwing me under the bus so easily that how could I trust them if they doubted me all the time? 

And there I go, getting on the merry-go-round of confusion. He says it wasn't him. The photos are of him. Is it possible that he has been a victim of identity theft? It's possible. Legitimate profiles are hacked, pictures are stolen and used to create fake profiles. But could the simplest explanation be that he is shopping around?


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## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

This happened to me once upon a long time ago. 

I asked the website to check the IP address of the person who set up and was using the profile. I also asked how recently they had used it. 

They were able to do so, and I got my answer. 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

TryinToFindHope said:


> A combination of huge financial debt, health issues, deaths and his general aversion to it after his parents had a nasty divorce. He has expressed that he is open to it and willing to discuss it with me because he is fully committed to me and wants to spend his life with he. He also has told me that understands it is important to me and he wants me to be happy so he is open to it. Or that's his excuse for having his cake and eating it too.
> 
> After our angry exchange (him angry, me trying to stand my ground and expressing how difficult this is for both of us and how sorry I am that he is feeling like I don't trust him because I want to trust him more than anything) I asked if I could call him tonight (I am staying away right now) and he is ignoring me. Yep, I am an emotional tornado and the more I try to lean on him to help me through this madness, the more I feel like he sometimes has the patience and other times just doesn't understand how confusing this is for me.
> 
> ...


When he calls over next tell him you want to talk to him and then pick three different occasion that he cancelled on you and ask him to prove that he was exactly where he said he would be,who else was there and why.Then confirm with the other people without him contacting them.
If there were women there try and confirm with them,they are less likely to lie for him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you have access to his email accounts? 

If you do, go to the website's log in and try is email accounts and click the link saying you forgot the password. See if it sends a password reset email.

Even if you do not have access, you can do this with his email. Usually a site will say that it does not recognize the email and thus will not send the password reset email.

Something similar happened when I found that my now-ex was cheating. I was able to do this to reset his passwords on several accounts and get into them to see what he was doing. Of course he acted just like your SO is acting until I had the solid evidence in my hands.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

This is a difficult scenario to be sure but you have to tread carefully.

Stop contacting him, he needs to do the leg work, not you. If he really cares for your relationship, he will.
Do some investigating to get as much evidence to either prove he is telling the truth of lying. You need to calm down and try and keep emotions out of it, stop engaging with him for the time being so that you can be objective. Get a friend who is good with IT to help you.

If you do not resolve this the best way to your satisfaction and sweep it under the carpet, it will haunt you. If he is cheating (and I know you want to believe he is not) then of course he will deny deny deny. Do not take denial as proof of innocence. Cheaters are excellent liars.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

Recover deleted texts. The truth is always on the mobile


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## TryinToFindHope (Jun 13, 2017)

The more I read here, the more I feel less hope and like a bit of an idiot. I've done so much wrong. 

I called him before I logged on and read everything here. It was a very short call, a few minutes. He was short, cold and had no desire to talk. I ended the call quickly and pretty much accepted that my years of love and effort were going down in flames and my confusion and inability to control my emotions were making a bad situation worse. I am going to just step back, take care of myself and see what unfolds. Perhaps that's passive but I need to get control over my emotions, follow the advice I've been given and just start to accept what's happened and decide what I want to do. Trying to work together with my partner is just pissing him off, making things worse and adding extra strain which is hurting and confusing me more. I need to move away from this and take some space to breathe and think. He probably also needs that space given how I've been acting.

He just called. Even shorter than the last call :/ Confirmed he'd received an email from the website which informed him that the account had been investigated and had been deleted as a result. He's forwarding all the emails to me again. I thanked him for calling to tell me. He confirmed he'd forward the emails to me. I thanked him again and wished him a good night then hung up. He still seemed so short and angry with me. But at least he called to tell me right? 

What can I do now except back off, heal and trying to work out where to go from here... or accept that he may not want to be with me any longer.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

He should be more angry with the website than you. It's not your fault.

I hate to sound pessimistic, but his attitude about the situation kind of indicates that you ruined his fun. Hard to say with certainty... I'm sure catfishing happens frequently, but if it happened to me, I'd be livid with the website, not my partner who found it. I'd be grateful for the discovery. 

Just too fishy.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Have your friend respond to the emails. If there is no response back, then probably it was him, and he won't answer because he's been found out. If there IS a reply, then it probably isn't him. She can set up a date, and see who shows up, with you nearby to watch. If it's not him, he's in the clear.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> Have your friend respond to the emails. If there is no response back, then probably it was him, and he won't answer because he's been found out. If there IS a reply, then it probably isn't him. She can set up a date, and see who shows up, with you nearby to watch. If it's not him, he's in the clear.


*It's either trap-setting time, or prime time for a rather elongated "Come to Jesus" meeting!

I can't believe his rationale that all of this is merely conjecture or just a mere coincidence!*


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## Pixel (Jan 10, 2017)

I feel like this sounds really fishy also. Think about the odds. The odds are pretty slim that someone out there found his pictures sooooo appealing that they just had to use them for their own profile. I know you want to believe him, but to me it sounds like he is gaslighting you so badly. My husband did the same thing, I felt like such an idiot for thinking the odds could be in his favor like that. He got so angry trying to convince me that I was making stuff up. Turns out I was right. If there is any way to catfish him back do it!!!!!! But it sounds like it might be too late for that.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

TryinToFindHope said:


> The more I read here, the more I feel less hope and like a bit of an idiot. I've done so much wrong.
> 
> I called him before I logged on and read everything here. It was a very short call, a few minutes. He was short, cold and had no desire to talk. I ended the call quickly and pretty much accepted that my years of love and effort were going down in flames and my confusion and inability to control my emotions were making a bad situation worse. I am going to just step back, take care of myself and see what unfolds. Perhaps that's passive but I need to get control over my emotions, follow the advice I've been given and just start to accept what's happened and decide what I want to do. Trying to work together with my partner is just pissing him off, making things worse and adding extra strain which is hurting and confusing me more. I need to move away from this and take some space to breathe and think. He probably also needs that space given how I've been acting.
> 
> ...


If he was being catfished then someone would eventually have complained to the website that a different person to the picture posted turned up or that he never turned up for dates.If this happened to me I would do everything I possibly could to prove my innocence including catfishinf the perpetrator of the hoax.Your boyfriend is doing the least amount possible and this would set off alarm bells for me.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Be cautious about allowing your past to influence your future. It is very easy to allow thoughts to overwhelm you when there has been previous deception. Be mindful that it was not he that deceived you but another man and be careful to not project onto your current partner the traits and characteristics of your former. Having said that, is there logical cause to be concerned beyond the profile? Has he had unexplained absences, out of the ordinary late work nights, times of no contact (phone off) or any other suspicious behavior? Has there been a noticeable change in your relationship, especially intimacy?

Are there any other indicators that he may be having/arranging to have an affair? If there is no other evidence than the profile then perhaps prudence is warranted. He has denied any knowledge of the activity and has no incriminating texts or emails. Have you checked the cell phone bill for evidence of calls/texts from unknown/strange numbers? In the absence of corroborating evidence to support your suspicions is he to be damned on that one shred.

Are you certain that you are not ready to leave this relationship and this is your excuse? You indicated that you were cheated on by your last long term ex and that you left with "no hesitation, no regrets and no entertaining the idea of reconciliation". How does one feel nothing at the loss of a long term entanglement? You stated that this behavior would be in contrast to his normal behavior and yet you continue to get angry. Perhaps his anger is in direct response to your own. Perhaps if you approached him calmly and rationally he wold respond in kind. I suppose it really comes down to is he guilty until proven innocent or is he innocent until proven guilty? It would appear that you want him to be guilty. Why do you think that is?

Any meaningful relationship requires trust and if that is missing in your current situation then it cannot be meaningful. Perhaps his frustration comes from the fact that he has been your long time partner and to be tried, convicted and sentenced without due process he finds troubling. I cannot say for sure but it may be that he has realized that your relationship is not as "solid" as he had believed. Perhaps he is questioning your faithfulness to him if, in the light of no other damning evidence, you are ready to toss away the partnership. Just a consideration and of course this all changes if there is more evidence that you have not disclosed.

However, based on the information contained herein, I would be diligent to not allow my past to color my present and future. Good fortune to you.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

His reactions are classic cheater reactions. His emails to the site were for show. He'll be much more careful now and it will take him getting sloppy while you're paying attention for you to catch him in the future.

Go skipping through the Separation and Divorce or the Coping with Infidelity section. Note how many posters mention a similar incident years before they discover the full blown affair(s) their partners had/are having. They all say pretty much the same thing. "I wish I would have left when I found <insert suspicious behavior/ profile/texts here> in <insert year>".

You have already invested time and are loath to walk away from that investment. I get it. Google Sunk Cost Fallacy.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Andy1001 said:


> If he was being catfished then someone would eventually have complained to the website that a different person to the picture posted turned up or that he never turned up for dates.If this happened to me I would do everything I possibly could to prove my innocence including catfishinf the perpetrator of the hoax.Your boyfriend is doing the least amount possible and this would set off alarm bells for me.


this is right.

the burden of proof is on him.

If he truly values the relationship, you are the girl of his dreams and we really wants to spend the rest of his life with 
you, then he will find a way to prove this wasn't him. he will stop his pouting and redirecting anger at you and he will prove to 
you it wasn't him. he will go to the ends of the earth to win back your trust by exposing the lie. if not, then probably he is not really your life partner.

sorry.........'you should trust me' doesn't cut it. not in this case.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I know a woman who's fiance was cheating on her via numerous online dating sites. He denied it, as cheaters always do.

The way she caught him was after an odd comment he made she got that gut feeling something wasn't right. She started googling his email she knew about and his username he had used on the dating site they met on. What she discovered was he had used the same email prefix on different email accounts, e.g. [email protected] as well as [email protected] and [email protected] (Apologies if there is a real person with that email, it was just something I made up). And those emails all showed up on various dating sites. That would lead to finding a new username on a dating website. [email protected] was username Imajerk on a dating site. Then she'd search for Imajerk on other dating websites and find him on there.

Anyhow, you may be able to track down his activities on other dating sites (including craigslist and local online classifieds) by searching his email and username.

I don't understand why somebody else would use his profile unless they were some kind of criminal trying to either rob women who showed up at a date or swindle lonely hearts out of money without ever meeting them. It may be too late now, but the dating site would have records of all messages sent/received by that account. Your bf should request copies of everything from the website for the purpose of investigating identity theft (which is a crime).

Have you had open access to his email and cell phone during your relationship?

Was this a free or a pay dating website? If it was a pay site, there should be a credit card charge for it on somebody's card. If it was your bf, it would show up on his bank records. If it wasn't him, he should be willing to show you his credit card statements going back at least a year. Do your research first so you know how the website bills, as they may not bill under the name of the website but as some innocuous name.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

TryinToFindHope said:


> A combination of huge financial debt, health issues, deaths and his general aversion to it after his parents had a nasty divorce. *He has expressed that he is open to it and willing to discuss it with me because he is fully committed to me and wants to spend his life with he.* He also has told me that understands it is important to me and he wants me to be happy so he is open to it. Or that's his excuse for having his cake and eating it too.
> 
> No, he's not. Committed men don't actively engage on dating sites.
> 
> ...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Quality said:


> Why aren't you married?



*MODERATOR NOTICE:-*

Why are you obsessed with the marital status of people reaching out for help on TAM?

Please do not persist with these threadjacks.

You have previously been warned.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

TryinToFindHope said:


> The more I read here, the more I feel less hope and like a bit of an idiot. I've done so much wrong.
> 
> I called him before I logged on and read everything here. It was a very short call, a few minutes. He was short, cold and had no desire to talk. I ended the call quickly and pretty much accepted that my years of love and effort were going down in flames and my confusion and inability to control my emotions were making a bad situation worse. I am going to just step back, take care of myself and see what unfolds. Perhaps that's passive but I need to get control over my emotions, follow the advice I've been given and just start to accept what's happened and decide what I want to do. Trying to work together with my partner is just pissing him off, making things worse and adding extra strain which is hurting and confusing me more. I need to move away from this and take some space to breathe and think. He probably also needs that space given how I've been acting.
> 
> ...



He is angry because you found out about the dating profile. 

i am willing to bet his profile wasn't hacked. Cheaters have an excuse for everything


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

NM


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## sunsetovernc (Jul 27, 2011)

I've been in your shoes many times with my current husband. I think the anger is because he got caught, not because it wasn't his profile. Please don't beat yourself up and feel like this is your fault. It isn't. It is his. It has taken me many years to realize that. Right now, my husband and I are separating. If he gets help, we may end up back together. If not, then I'll be one step closer to moving on. Good luck.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So back off for now, but remain vigilant. The fact he got mad at YOU speaks volumes - he should want to HELP you with this, not blame you for it! but now that the profile has been deleted there's not much you can do, except verify that it HAS been deleted.

I would wait a while, like a month, then put keyloggers on his devices and see what turns up. Also keep notes on his absences - dates and times etc. and keep track of what he says about them. Don't grill him, just keep track.

It may take a few months, but if he's actively hooking up with dates he WILL screw up again.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

True Story: When I was a young lad, dating the first ex-Mrs. Herschel, a friend of mine told me to go onto a dating website to look at a female. Back then dating websites were new and there was no SMS to send pics. I obliged (I had a profile on there from earlier that I had closed out). I did window shop a bit once I logged in, but just that one day, and never contacted (nor was I going to). I forgot to close out my profile and her friend saw it (well, supposedly her friend, maybe it was her, who the hell knows). I got in trouble, blah blah blah. Now, I was young and stupid, the stupid part was not closing my profile. She didn't know I window browsed (which clearly would be an issue, but it was pretty innocent as I was just looking). I never did it again and it was forgotten.

I have no idea how this relates to your situation. We were living together at the time (though, more at her behest) and it was clear that I wasn't doing anything cause we were together all the time.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Thor said:


> I know a woman who's fiance was cheating on her via numerous online dating sites. He denied it, as cheaters always do.
> 
> The way she caught him was after an odd comment he made she got that gut feeling something wasn't right. She started googling his email she knew about and his username he had used on the dating site they met on. What she discovered was he had used the same email prefix on different email accounts, e.g. [email protected] as well as [email protected] and [email protected] (Apologies if there is a real person with that email, it was just something I made up). And those emails all showed up on various dating sites. That would lead to finding a new username on a dating website. [email protected] was username Imajerk on a dating site. Then she'd search for Imajerk on other dating websites and find him on there.
> 
> ...


This is good advice OP. You should pretend you really do believe him but act as if you are aghast at how someone could steal his identity like that and go all out on your quest to help identify the culprit. If he is innocent he will be into it, if not then I think you will have your answer. If he tries to dismiss it or stall then say you are embarrassed cause your friends may find it blah blah blah, all the while luring him into a false sense of security while you 'investigate on his behalf.' Keep a record of everything he says, if possible record for recall later. His reaction should tell you a lot.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

aine said:


> This is good advice OP. You should pretend you really do believe him but act as if you are aghast at how someone could steal his identity like that and go all out on your quest to help identify the culprit. If he is innocent he will be into it, if not then I think you will have your answer. If he tries to dismiss it or stall then say you are embarrassed cause your friends may find it blah blah blah, all the while luring him into a false sense of security while you 'investigate on his behalf.' Keep a record of everything he says, if possible record for recall later. His reaction should tell you a lot.


YES! Don't forget to mention your friend who is married to a police officer with access to detectives 24/7, who can easily investigate the "hacker's" full info.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

If he used a picture that you're sure is him, try doing a google or tineye image search of it and see if it comes up on other dating sites.

Then investigate those sites quietly if it does.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Pixel said:


> I feel like this sounds really fishy also. Think about the odds. The odds are pretty slim that someone out there found his pictures sooooo appealing that they just had to use them for their own profile.


I disagree. This is apparently a real thing on these dating sites...they do NOT use their own photos often. Either they find someone sexier, or they do not want their wife/GF finding their pictures online. Either way, it is certainly possible he is innocent.


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## TryinToFindHope (Jun 13, 2017)

Thank you to everyone for the support and great advice. As sucky as this is, I am glad to know that I am not alone in dealing with such a thing. It helps a small, desperate part of me. 

I can't do a picture search because I do not have access to the actual photos...I just took photos of the profile as it appeared on my friend's account as the profile had the highest level of privacy settings and cannot be viewed by any profile which was not directly approached by it. I have gotten all the emails confirming that the security and privacy section of the site had checked it out and deleted the profile. 

I did ask him why he didn't appear worried that someone had engaged in identity theft with him and what this person could be doing ie. approaching work his colleagues and just basically undermining his credibility. He said that of course he was worried and it was a huge reason why he wanted this sorted out. He is very angry at me right now. He can barely say two words to me without it sounding like he is gritting his teeth. I have left him completely alone since he called me very briefly last night. It's an awful feeling - feeling like I may have betrayed him with my lack of trust.  

I try hard not to project my past experiences on my previous cheating partner on him. I am very concerned about that possibility which is why I posted here, to see if I was just acting mad and overly paranoid. It's a completely different situation I am currently faced with to what I experienced with my ex. Here I have a dating profile discovered by a friend (I wasn't even snooping or checking or verifying because I trusted my partner so much it never even occurred to me despite having been cheated on in the past) and in my previous relationship I got back unexpectedly a day early and came home to find him (in the most delicate terms) "in deep"ly intimate activities with his other woman. I left. It hurt like hell to walk away but what was there to save? I couldn't un-see it and let's be honest, it's not an ambiguous situation where there is a possibility that cheating wasn't actually taking place. It tortured me so the relationship was dead in the water the instant I walked out the front door in a very calm (although I am pretty sure now that calmness was a result of shock) manner. I don't regret leaving that relationship. It wasn't easy because we had been together a while (although less time than now) and it was the most painful thing I had endured at that point in my life. But regret leaving? No. I regret not talking more in the relationship and temperature testing what was going on. I made mistakes in that relationship to be sure, but I didn't cheat. My ex did and that is on him.

And right now I am faced with the possibility of losing a partner that I will confess I love a lot more than I loved my ex. This is based on who he is, what we have gone through and the real way I have viewed him as an integral part of my future - for the entirety of what life remains in me. The very real potential of losing that (either he walks because I don't trust him or there is actual cheating taking place and no way to reconcile so I walk) makes me feel very scared. I'm already in a lot of pain and I want to make things better, I am desperate to believe him. I am desperate to trust him because I have not doubted the faith and trust I had in him except for now and it throws me. I am digging deep as to why I didn't give him the benefit of the doubt at the first instance and just became an emotional tornado. That is clearly my issue and I should have been calm - regardless of whether is was a dating profile or him getting it on with my best friend. Calmness would have saved my dignity and let me think much more clearly rather than react. 

I googled 'My girlfriend accused me of cheating when I didn't' and most of the replies are always to leave the crazy chick because she doesn't trust you. Awesome.  I don't feel crazy for being upset over an active dating profile with my partner's pics. It feels like I should question it not just stare at it and say 'cool, it's not him because I love and trust him and he'd never do that to me' while staring down at a picture of his face. Admittedly, I definitely should have taken some time to cool off and think about it before I approached him rather than calling straight away in an emotional upheaval asking why "he" had an active dating profile. I deeply regret that lack of faith and I think that we would have had a much more productive conversation if I had been more calm. I most definitely should have approached it more logically and let him know that I had been shown an active dating profile which appeared to be him and that I would like an explanation. I see that now that I have calmed down and really thought about things. However, it looks like the damage is done and I think it is likely that my partner will walk away after this.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

Lots of guys that are trying to cheat on their wives/girlfriends use pictures that they find on the net of other guys so that they can hide their trail.

I just find it odd when you say that he is 1. Mad at YOU because of it 2. The privacy settings were very high (the account was hidden) and 3. There were multiple pictures from a long time ago (if his old profile was deactivated, how would someone get multiple pics?)

Sorry. Everything points to him cheating or trying to cheat.

Good luck.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## TryinToFindHope (Jun 13, 2017)

Ugh! I'm doing the 180 to save myself at this point. I need to space to think. To be honest, I already feel better after a night of not talking to him since I am tired of the hurt and same conversation already. Crazy right? I feel like I am trying to weigh up the pros and cons for whether or not Rachel was evil or good in "My Cousin Rachel".  It's not a pleasant place to be and I just need to stop this. My partner can't help me so I have to help myself. Responsibility for my own emotional well being has always rested with me and I need to be dedicated to that. I'm going to stay with my family. They know something is wrong and think we've broken up so they won't be surprised I'm there. It will just give me the breather I need to ground myself. 

Is it ok to come here to vent negative emotions to like-minded people?


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Chris Taylor said:


> If he used a picture that you're sure is him, try doing a google or tineye image search of it and see if it comes up on other dating sites.
> 
> Then investigate those sites quietly if it does.


This ^^^^ . I was going to suggest this myself. Or have someone else do it for you. Shoot I'd do it for you !!!


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

xMadame said:


> Lots of guys that are trying to cheat on their wives/girlfriends use pictures that they find on the net of other guys so that they can hide their trail.
> 
> I just find it odd when you say that he is 1. Mad at YOU because of it 2. The privacy settings were very high (the account was hidden) and 3. There were multiple pictures from a long time ago (if his old profile was deactivated, how would someone get multiple pics?)
> 
> ...




Unfortunately so. Right now you have to assume everything he says is a lie. Cheaters are for the most part very good liars. They can come up with an excuse and the drop of a hat. They use trusting them against you. 

Do not believe in this being a coincidence, there is no such thing. His actions of getting pissed off when you confronted him, speaks volumes. An innocent person would have been SHOCKED, not angry. Actions, not words are the most important to follow. 

Always follow your gut. I can't stress this enough. It knows before you do that something isnt right . 

He was only angry because he got caught....


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## TryinToFindHope (Jun 13, 2017)

ladybird said:


> This ^^^^ . I was going to suggest this myself. Or have someone else do it for you. Shoot I'd do it for you !!!


I wish I could take you up on that generous offer but all I have are photographs of the profile as they appeared on my friends phone when she viewed it so I can't do a search for them. I really messed this up on so many levels. When presented with the profile should have just remained calm, thought about it and investigated rather than react in such a sucktacular fashion. My emotional reaction has cost me the opportunity to calm my ass down, think, plan, investigate and uncover - which is why I am in such a painful position. Lurching around in a cheating limbo land of did he or didn't he 

Odds are good he cheated or was at least looking to cheat. I don't believe in coincidences either. A very private profile sounds like someone wants to hide. His anger makes me suspicious because I wouldn't be angry at my partner (at least not straight away unless they kept harping on at me) and because an angry and defensive attitude rather than a confused one doesn't make sense. Someone has frickin' stolen your identity and could be doing ANYTHING with it. I'd be downright alarmed and doing what I could to clear it up.

It could be possible that he was catfished and that my immediate emotional crapfest accusing him of having an online dating profile just set his back up and he met my anger with anger of his own. Entirely possible given that in the past if I have gotten angry he has normally responded to my anger. When I calm down, he tends to remain angry (it takes him a bit longer than me to calm down) and if I approach a situation calmly then it is very rare that he gets angry. I know this about him but I still ran in guns blazing. 

So...I really didn't handle this situation cleverly at all. I made every tactical mistake and let him see my hand before I had a chance to think and prepare. It's significantly contributed to the confusing place I find myself in now. I wish I had not called him the first night but planned things out. I cannot stress it enough how important it is to calm down and think before you confront. I could have gotten a lot more answers and had a lot more information to make my decision on this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Thor said:


> I know a woman who's fiance was cheating on her via numerous online dating sites. He denied it, as cheaters always do.
> 
> The way she caught him was after an odd comment he made she got that gut feeling something wasn't right. She started googling his email she knew about and his username he had used on the dating site they met on. What she discovered was he had used the same email prefix on different email accounts, e.g. [email protected] as well as [email protected] and [email protected] (Apologies if there is a real person with that email, it was just something I made up). And those emails all showed up on various dating sites. That would lead to finding a new username on a dating website. [email protected] was username Imajerk on a dating site. Then she'd search for Imajerk on other dating websites and find him on there.
> 
> ...


I did this two with searching email addresses and handles that I knew. I did find my now ex's profiles on dating sites this way. It works.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@TryinToFindHope

Could you clarify? Do you live with him.

You have said that you are calling each other. It sound like you each have your own homes.


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## TryinToFindHope (Jun 13, 2017)

I called him from my friend's place and stayed there the night. He knows I'm still staying there and while he isn't happy about it at all he said that I should take whatever space I needed. Nuclear option much? 

Honestly, when I found out I wasn't in such a great state and by the time I'd finished talking to him it was about 4am in the morning and his work started at 6am. I told him I'd be staying there and he said that if I needed the space for a while then he supported that but that I should at least let him know if I leave her place and go elsewhere. He was pretty angry at the time and I think he was ok with me being away at that point. Although he was angry again when I was still away yesterday. He has texted me today in a very neutral tone to inform me of the "great" (heavy sarcasm) week he is having so far. I was polite and told him I'd be going to my parent's place for a bit. No talk of anything else.

Yep...I'm capsizing my own ship aren't I? My friend says that I should at least go back home and talk to him so that if he isn't a cheater he feels like I haven't just cut bait and run. He certainly hasn't accused me of running and I know that he appreciated the space from me yesterday - hence his reaching out to me today even if it was to sarcastically tell me about problems at work. When he's really angry we try hard not to say anything we may regret and to calm down first. His reaching out to me is a strong indication he's telling me he's calmed down enough to talk again (based on past experience) but I'm not there yet. We're on opposite sides of a seesaw. I'm up when he's down, he's down when I'm up. Our conversations aren't productive right now. They're damaging to us -even he acknowledge that during our last substantial talk. I also find myself so emotional right now that one moment I am desperate to continue the relationship, next moment I just can't understand how this could possibly have been a catfish - the coincidences are pretty huge. With that confusion I'm likely to engage in hysterical bonding and then burst into tears further confusing things since I need to get checked for STDs. I haven't told him this because it would set off another fight about lack of trust. But I simply have to be sure that my health is safe and if I ignore this because I trust him I am risking a lot more than my heart on trusting him. 

What should I do. I really feel that as much as I love him and want to keep the relationship (while in one of my trusting moods) I need a bit more space for objectivity. Legally, he can fight to keep stuff if the relationship breaks down but I honestly do not worry too much about that. I am the more financially secure one and losing me will be a big financial blow.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Legally he can fight to keep what stuff? Do you mean stuff in the house?

I think you need to stop beating up on yourself. Just about anyone would be an emotional state right now.

You seem to believe that you do not have enough solid evidence to know if he cheated, or intended to, or not.

So, your choices are to either just end the relationship knowing that you might be wrong or go back soon (like tomorrow) knowing that you might be wrong.

And then live with your choice. Get control of your emotions.

If you go back, there is no reason to continue your emotional outbursts. He's not going to tell you if he's cheating. You will just need to watch him closely, quietly snoop, etc. until you either catch him or you prove to yourself that he is not cheating. 

Do you have access to his computer? to his email and other online accounts?


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## TryinToFindHope (Jun 13, 2017)

Yes, I'm talking about the stuff in the house. Mostly paid for by myself. If we break up he can keep it, I wouldn't want it tarnishing my future anyway and the retail therapy will help a hurting heart. 

And you are right that I need to make the decision to end it or go back and quietly snoop until satisfied that he isn't cheating (anymore since he's probably gotten rid of anything useful since I've been out of the house - yeah, I really did not do this smartly at all) or discover he is and end up back at square one. It's a big decision to make with sucky times ahead regardless which is why I feel I need more time to make it. But you are right that the more I think about it, the harder it is going to become to make a choice  And it's a choice I will be living with - which is probably why I'm putting off making it! 

And you are right, if I go back I can't keep holding this against him. It's not fair. And it will ruin everything and sour it no matter what happens. So...perhaps booking myself in with a counsellor as well as a good doctor is in order for this week? Awesome. :|

Yes, I have access to the computer when I'm home and I have access to the email...just never actually used it. Honestly, if one of the two of us had more privacy in the relationship it was me. He wouldn't know how to get into my computer, wouldn't know how to access my phone and wouldn't know any of my passwords. We really just never needed it. I knew his because he never hid it. I didn't hide it either but I am required to change every password for work on a 21 day basis. I'm lucky I can keep track of it. He can't access my computer unless my phone spits out a random code either.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He might have gotten rid of things, like deleted a lot from his computer, cell phone, etc. But a lot of that can be retrieved even if it's been deleted. There are tools that can pull up deleted files. 

Some people here know how to get deleted texts from cell phones... here's a thread that has some info that might help you.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...active-dating-profile-my-partners-photos.html


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> He might have gotten rid of things, like deleted a lot from his computer, cell phone, etc. But a lot of that can be retrieved even if it's been deleted. There are tools that can pull up deleted files.
> 
> Some people here know how to get deleted texts from cell phones... here's a thread that has some info that might help you.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...active-dating-profile-my-partners-photos.html


Deleted text messages are tricky. The phone needs to be rooted/jail broken first. 

There are programs like Dr Fone to help with uncovering deleted texts.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

TryinToFindHope said:


> I wish I could take you up on that generous offer but all I have are photographs of the profile as they appeared on my friends phone when she viewed it so I can't do a search for them. I really messed this up on so many levels. When presented with the profile should have just remained calm, thought about it and investigated rather than react in such a sucktacular fashion. My emotional reaction has cost me the opportunity to calm my ass down, think, plan, investigate and uncover - which is why I am in such a painful position. Lurching around in a cheating limbo land of did he or didn't he
> 
> Odds are good he cheated or was at least looking to cheat. I don't believe in coincidences either. A very private profile sounds like someone wants to hide. His anger makes me suspicious because I wouldn't be angry at my partner (at least not straight away unless they kept harping on at me) and because an angry and defensive attitude rather than a confused one doesn't make sense. Someone has frickin' stolen your identity and could be doing ANYTHING with it. I'd be downright alarmed and doing what I could to clear it up.
> 
> ...


 I can search for them. I am the search queen. If something else is out there I will find it. I know how to do things  I am very tech savvy. Actually I will try and explain how to do it. It is pretty simple, but I suck at giving directions.

What you need to do is crop each picture, so only the picture shows... . Do a reverse image search through google. And or go to tin eye.com and upload pic. If there is anything it will show you exactly what sites that photo is posted on. easy peasy lemon squeezy!

I highly doubt he was catfished. Let's say its entirely possible he was cat fished, but it doesn't explain his anger toward you when questioned. This is called defensiveness and he was quick to say he was catfished...... He would have been just as shocked as you. Defensiveness is a pretty good indication of something and innocents isnt one of them. Think about it. I know how hard this is, believe me. The thing is you will litterly fight with yourself about his innocents. your heart and head are going in two different directions. One is saying believe him and the other is saying not to believe him(been there, done that)

Another thing with cheaters is they will ONLY tell you what you already Know, nothing else. They are so quick to come up with an excuse right there, when I can't even remember what I did yesterday !!!

for instance. "You called her 5 minutes after you left the house". " I did not call her". "Yes you did, 
Are your call logs lying now too?" "I only called her to see how things were going at work" he admitted it, but only after I already knew he did - face palm

Being blind sided is very hard to deal with. We let out emotions get the better of us and we want answers we will never get, unless we find them for ourselves . always listen to yourself, you can always believe what you are trying to tell you.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

First, don't beat yourself up for how you reacted. You had every right to be upset about it. Also, if this turns out to be a catfish situation (I never heard of that before your thread) and you two stay together, he will have no illusions that you won't walk away if he crosses boundaries.

Do whatever you can to scour his computer. There is something called the way back machine which archives old web pages, so maybe it is possible for you to find that dating profile somehow. Look through his photos on his computer. Perhaps he has a folder with dating profile photos in it, then you can tineye those. Look in his deleted files folders. Lots of people don't know that when they delete an email it is in a folder called deleted emails! If he uses an email client, the emails may be deleted there but still be on the host mainframe computer. For example, Apple's Mail program organizes emails on the computer, but if it isn't configured to do so it won't tell gmail to erase the emails from it's servers. So if you use a browser and go directly to gmail you can see all the emails. Same with photos, apps, etc which remain in the trash bin folder until that is emptied. He may have deleted incriminating photos but they are easily found if he hasn't emptied the trash folder.

Has there been any discussion of him doing a polygraph? There may be no other way to get hard confirmation.

Finally, you can rely on your gut. You don't have to have CSI crime lab evidence in order to know something. You can just go with what you know. It may take time for it to settle in, but at some point you are going to feel confidence in what you think happened. That's good enough.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

TryinToFindHope said:


> I see that now that I have calmed down and really thought about things. However, it looks like the damage is done and I think it is likely that my partner will walk away after this.


I think that he is gas-lighting you, but even if he is not, his reaction to blame you and make you feel miserable for the past few days is also disturbing. He does not sound like a warm, considerate person. 

It's too late in your case, but if anyone ever finds out that their significant other has an active profile on a dating site, simply create a fake profile and and then catfish him/her.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

"So...I really didn't handle this situation cleverly at all. I made every tactical mistake and let him see my hand before I had a chance to think and prepare. It's significantly contributed to the confusing place I find myself in now. I wish I had not called him the first night but planned things out. I cannot stress it enough how important it is to calm down and think before you confront. I could have gotten a lot more answers and had a lot more information to make my decision on this." OP

Do not beat yourself up over your initial reactions to this.

We are not trained to anticipate our loved ones cheating. We think it will never happen to us. We want desperately to trust our loved ones.
This is human nature. Almost everyone of us who have been cheated on reacted like you did initially. It's only in hearing and gaining advice from
those who have been through it and can give objective advice do we realize our mistakes and have opportunity to deal with infidelity wisely.
Very, very few people handle evidence of infidelity the right way at the beginning. 

It's what we do after we get over the initial shock and have a chance to get sound advice that we can then deal with this the right way.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Is your boyfriend an out of this world hottie? 

A catfish would set up a new profile using pics of someone they stole.
They wouldn't hack into your boyfriends account, there is no point in that, and what an absurd amount of work. Its him. He's a liar and a cheater. His pathetic "I'm gonna report this" is so lame. He's been caught. Time to put on your walking shoes. Sorry.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

He is gas lighting the hell out of you. I'm sorry but innocent people don't react the way he did. As someone else said, he's angry he got caught and he's taking it out on you.

True you confronted way too quickly and earlier than you should have but that's a pretty common mistake so don't beat yourself up over it.

I do wish you'd stop worrying so much about him being angry and how he's feeling. Regardless of your past, you have every right to be suspicious when you see your partners picture on a dating website. You have every right to question him. The chances he was catfished are extremely slim. 95% of people who claim they were "hacked" or "catfished" when they get caught doing or saying shady **** online are full of ****. I'm sure your partner is too even though you want to believe otherwise.

If I were in your shoes I wouldn't put up with anyone's attitude like that, especially when there's evidence pointing to them cheating or wanting to. And I wouldn't even bother communicating until he can do so himself without being a ****. Why are you allowing yourself to be his punching bag when you did nothing wrong?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ladybird said:


> Deleted text messages are tricky. The phone needs to be rooted/jail broken first.
> 
> There are programs like Dr Fone to help with uncovering deleted texts.


Yes, that thread I linked to has pages and pages of info on how to do these things. That's why I posted it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ladybird said:


> I can search for them. I am the search queen. If something else is out there I will find it. I know how to do things  I am very tech savvy. Actually I will try and explain how to do it. It is pretty simple, but I suck at giving directions.


Do the image search engine look at the meta data on an image? Or are they actually comparing the images pixel by pixel.. similar to a text search which compares letter by letter?

I wonder because she has images that are photos taken of a screen. So they have nothing from the original photos in them. Even the color code for each pixel could be different.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here is a link to the WayBack Machine

https://web.archive.org/

Do you have the link to his old profile? If you do, enter it in the wayback machine search


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## TryinToFindHope (Jun 13, 2017)

Thank you for all the advice. I really appreciate it and need it. To be completely honest I don't think I can do this. I don't think I can go back and snoop on him and hope that i don't find anything. I think he's being an asshat right now and that I didn't do anything to deserve it. I shouldn't be apologising...he should be! He's the one acting like this is no big deal but then being furious WITH me! WTF?! 

I don't feel like I'm projecting my past onto him. I think I'm frickin angry that he's lying to me about about everything including our future. I'm angry that he's shopping around for someone he thinks will be better while keeping me as a place holder! How much more of my life and fertile years do I want to waste on this loser? I don't want to waste anything more on him! This is so painful but I don't think I can stay. I don't know if up is down or vice versa. I just know that this relationship is dead and I don't know how to find the strength to walk away with what remains of my dignity.

Where do I go from here. What do I say to him? Another come to Jesus talk will just make him mad. Anything will make him mad. Do I just do complete NC and never look back? Will that send him the message? Or do I text him a break up. Yeah, those options feel really disrespectful but at this stage...he deserves nothing from me and owes me everything. I'm like an addict so contact with him is likely to con me back into a gas-lit nightmare with a crack pipe full of hope that he'd never cheat on me. So breaking up face to face would probably just hurt me and leave me open to more of his lies and crap - further damaging me.

So...ideas for kicking his ass to the curb in a way that will tell him that he is an asshat, lost the best thing that ever happened to him and he can go **** himself?


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> Do the image search engine look at the meta data on an image? Or are they actually comparing the images pixel by pixel.. similar to a text search which compares letter by letter?
> 
> I wonder because she has images that are photos taken of a screen. So they have nothing from the original photos in them. Even the color code for each pixel could be different.


Tin eye looks for the exact picture, same will google image search. All you gave to do is crop the picture and upload it to tin eye or run an image search. I've cropped photos before from Facebook screenshots and the search worked.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

TryinToFindHope said:


> So...ideas for kicking his ass to the curb in a way that will tell him that he is an asshat, lost the best thing that ever happened to him and he can go **** himself?


You should go totally no-contact with him after breaking it off. I think the way to do it is just calmly and directly. Tell him you cannot be with someone who is cheating, and so you are done with the relationship. I would avoid any discussion or argument with him. If he protests that he was hacked, tell him he has done nothing to prove it to you, and the circumstances all say he was cheating.

Being calm and determined is the way to send the message.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

I've had break ups where I just completely stopped talking to the other person. Didn't answer their phone calls, texts, reach out to social media, etc. Now I've only done that when I got screwed over or they did something so out of line I was just done. I'm not sure what else you have to talk about. Cheaters, especially the ones who have been caught recently, are only going to admit to what can be proven or what they think you know. Since you tipped your hand early, you probably wouldn't find much anytime soon. I'm sure your partner now knows he has to cover his tracks, has taken steps to do so, and will in the future.

Who cares about whether you break up with him in a disrespectful manner? Was he respecting you by having a profile on a dating website? Was he respecting you with his subsequent response??? Has he respected you in the time since?? I'm pretty sure all of this is bothering you far more than it is him. Most likely because he expects you to come crawling back out of desperation for some sliver of hope that all of this will go away _somehow_.

You need to focus on yourself and what you need. Not his feelings, how he will react, if he will miss you, etc. I think if you go no contact long enough, that will probably cause him to pull his head out of his ass eventually and maybe he'll take you seriously. Because at this point I'm sure you're a hell of a lot more worried about him and holding onto your relationship than he is.

"The one who is most willing to walk away from the relationship, is the one who controls the relationship."

I have that quote in my signature for a reason. If you let your partner take you for granted, let him disrespect you while YOU worry about HIS feelings, let him take out his anger for his own actions out on you, etc then it's quite clear who is dictating the terms of this relationship.

As for getting the strength to walk away I don't know what to tell you. I have no problem cutting people out of my life when they **** me over. Hell I haven't talked to my sister in over a year and I don't plan to until I get a sincere apology for the behavior that led to our estrangement to begin with.

Don't ever be anyone's doormat I don't care how much you care for them. There is life outside of one person and one relationship. There are men out there who will not cheat on you and then treat you like **** when caught.

You want to walk away from the relationship with some semblance of dignity?? Then just walk away. It sounds like your partner already has his ducks lined up to get back into the dating scene if he needs to.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

ladybird said:


> Tin eye looks for the exact picture, same will google image search. All you gave to do is crop the picture and upload it to tin eye or run an image search. I've cropped photos before from Facebook screenshots and the search worked.


I'm not in IT, but there's a big difference between a screenshot and a pic of a pic. The screenshot is the same exact pixel map.


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## TryinToFindHope (Jun 13, 2017)

Yep...my partner already left the relationship.  Why the f would I hang around while he gets to look for my replacement?! F that!

NC all the way. He'll probably be relieved I didn't make a scene  What an asshat!

When does the pain stop? This is worse than the last ex  At least I could cry then. Now I just feel all knotted up inside and can't get it out


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

How long have you been together


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

OnTheRocks said:


> I'm not in IT, but there's a big difference between a screenshot and a pic of a pic. The screenshot is the same exact pixel map.


Yep, I'm not in IT. I'm a software engineer. I agree a picture and a pic-of-a-pic will have completely different pixel map. So I did a test.

I started with a photo that I know is on the internet. It's a picture of a guy I know that I took about 3 years ago. So I have the original.

I took 3 photos of my computer screen with the image on the screen. The photos were taken from different angles. Then I edited the photos get a good rectangular photo of the guy. 

I then searched using google image with all 3 of the camera shots. Google was able to find the online version of the image. 

So there you go... this works.

Tineye could not even find the photo when I used my original for the search. Google found every version of the photo that I have.

{And I know that this is a thread jack. But I thought it might help to clarify this for the OP. I'll stop the thread jack now.}


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TryinToFindHope said:


> I confronted him over the dating profile * (found by a single friend that was approached by the profile and she then showed it to me)* and he denies it is him and that he has no explanation for it. His best idea is that someone has hacked his old profile to catfish people since:


The thing that gets me is that his account tried to pick up on your friend. So why would someone create a catfishing account to pick up on your friend? So to me, the idea of a cat fish account makes no sense.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TryinToFindHope said:


> Yep...my partner already left the relationship.  Why the f would I hang around while he gets to look for my replacement?! F that!
> 
> NC all the way. He'll probably be relieved I didn't make a scene  What an asshat!
> 
> When does the pain stop? This is worse than the last ex  At least I could cry then. Now I just feel all knotted up inside and can't get it out


He is probably not looking for a replacement. He's probably looking for women to just have some extra fun with. 

That's very disturbing too.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TryinToFindHope said:


> Thank you for all the advice. I really appreciate it and need it. To be completely honest I don't think I can do this. I don't think I can go back and snoop on him and hope that i don't find anything. I think he's being an asshat right now and that I didn't do anything to deserve it. I shouldn't be apologising...he should be! He's the one acting like this is no big deal but then being furious WITH me! WTF?!
> 
> I don't feel like I'm projecting my past onto him. I think I'm frickin angry that he's lying to me about about everything including our future. I'm angry that he's shopping around for someone he thinks will be better while keeping me as a place holder! How much more of my life and fertile years do I want to waste on this loser? I don't want to waste anything more on him! This is so painful but I don't think I can stay. I don't know if up is down or vice versa. I just know that this relationship is dead and I don't know how to find the strength to walk away with what remains of my dignity.
> 
> ...


Your tone and point of view has change dramatically over night. Do you have more info now? Or did you have get some clarity over night?

However you end it with him, you need to do it in a way that is best for you. You need to protect yourself emotionally. If you cannot handle talking to him, don't. Write him a letter and send it via email, special messenger, whatever.

In the letter, just tell him that you cannot talk to him right now.

If you need to get some things out of your place, go there while he's at work. If you need to get friends or hire someone to help you.

Why would he have legal rights to things that you bought, like furniture? 

Is your name on the lease or mortgage where you live with him?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

TryinToFindHope said:


> I wish I could take you up on that generous offer but all I have are photographs of the profile as they appeared on my friends phone when she viewed it so I can't do a search for them. I really messed this up on so many levels. When presented with the profile should have just remained calm, thought about it and investigated rather than react in such a sucktacular fashion. My emotional reaction has cost me the opportunity to calm my ass down, think, plan, investigate and uncover - which is why I am in such a painful position. Lurching around in a cheating limbo land of did he or didn't he
> 
> Odds are good he cheated or was at least looking to cheat. I don't believe in coincidences either. A very private profile sounds like someone wants to hide. His anger makes me suspicious because I wouldn't be angry at my partner (at least not straight away unless they kept harping on at me) and because an angry and defensive attitude rather than a confused one doesn't make sense. Someone has frickin' stolen your identity and could be doing ANYTHING with it. I'd be downright alarmed and doing what I could to clear it up.
> 
> ...


Let's make sure you get your head right. You made a few mistakes, but you did right by communicating with your significant other. Stop beating yourself up over not doing the PI Sherlock Holmes things. Many of us here made the same mistakes.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Damn this turned around fast. To be honest I read this thread yesterday and decided not to weigh in. I thought you were going back and reaching out to him too much. I thought you might be co dependent. But girl... I think you found your anger, your outrage. If he was innocent i dont think he would be calling your crazy and making you feel like a nut. Sure he mIght not fall all over himself being nice, but he sure as hell should not or would not attack you and your mentality. 

My suggestion if you are able to land on your feet fine, I would wait for a day that he is working. Get some pals and grap your stuff. Your pictures and memories from your life, Your clothes and things and walk out of his life. Leave the key under the mat when you leave and a note on the table saying Bye, and please dont contact you. 

Dont have a discussion, dont give him closure or a change to make you feel anymore crazy that you feel. If you were half the jealous nut job he claims you to be you would stay with him and sleuth looking for signs of him cheating. Seriously infidelity makes us people we dont always want to be.... but if you just leave. You are not crazy...you just value the **** out of yourself and wont put up with his shady activity. Period. 

Be strong and I really recommend this approach. Its classy, no drama, (because you shut that **** down with NC) and its over as painlessly as possible.


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## TryinToFindHope (Jun 13, 2017)

TheTruthHurts said:


> How long have you been together
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


5 long years in which I stood by him through all his issues which were more than enough to break longer term marriages up - I watched it happen around us. He clearly didn't value me at all. How long has he been lying to me and playing me for a fool? :crying:

And it is a big turn around...I just don't feel anything genuine from him. Why would he be blaming ME for finding an active dating profile? Why would he be so angry that I keep questioning him? It makes no sense unless he was just so pissed off that I found out. Even getting the account deleted seemed to piss him off. Why? Because I ruined his fun. There really isn't any other reasonable explanation. No matter how much I love him, I can't do this. I can't turn a blind eye and hope that he's not cheating. I'm just not built that way and this has been torturing me the last few days. The only logical way forward is to go through the pain and have hope that I will eventually find someone else that won't put me through this. I can't live in a relationship wondering when or if the other shoe will drop. So I have to be done. 

And I am so angry. It burns like nothing else. This man would be seriously effed if I hadn't stood by him but he has placed no value in that or in me. I can do better. I deserve better. 

Right now I am trying very hard not to imagine him dating others and putting in romantic effort with them that he couldn't be bothered to put into us. That hurts so much after what we went through. I feel like I got to stand by his side through the very WORST years of his life and the instant the sun comes out he goes running and dancing to other women. Women that never had to go through the sh*tstorm with him like I did. That makes me so angry that I got the very worst so that he could give the very best to other woman. No. I hope the Karma bus hits him and then backs up a few times just to be sure.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I know that this hurts. But better you find out now and end it than you find out 10 years from now that he's been cheating all that time.

Has he been in a longer term relationship or marriage before? If so why did it end?


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## TryinToFindHope (Jun 13, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> I know that this hurts. But better you find out now and end it than you find out 10 years from now that he's been cheating all that time.
> 
> Has he been in a longer term relationship or marriage before? If so why did it end?



Nope. I'm his longest term relationship by 2 years. His ex left him because she had met someone else and he was glad to see the back of her since she had cheated. Ha! He knows what it feels like but does it to me? Yea...what a catch.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I don't mean to try to change your mind if it is set, but personally I feel that he really was hacked. The reason I feel that way is because if it was really him, the last person he would contact would be a friend of yours, or anyone else who knows you or who might out him.

I agree that his anger was too intense, but I can also imagine how angry I might feel if I had been hacked and my partner didn't believe me.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Do you have any reason to suspect that your friend or anyone you know could have hacked his profile, in an attempt to sabotage your relationship with him?


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## crocus (Apr 8, 2016)

Faithful Wife said:


> Do you have any reason to suspect that your friend or anyone you know could have hacked his profile, in an attempt to sabotage your relationship with him?




That's my thought, it's someone who knows all of you. I think he has likely had the account all this time.
This happened to someone I know. He was hanging out at his friends place (hiding from his wife) and using his friends computer to chat online.
His friend decided to bust him one day. And did just this thing...contacted a friend of his wife. 
He had saved the password in the browser. 
Ugly behaviour on both sides. Sorry you are going through this. Wishing you peace of mind.




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Faithful Wife said:


> I don't mean to try to change your mind if it is set, but personally I feel that he really was hacked. The reason I feel that way is because if it was really him, the last person he would contact would be a friend of yours, or anyone else who knows you or who might out him.
> 
> I agree that his anger was too intense, but I can also imagine how angry I might feel if I had been hacked and my partner didn't believe me.





TryinToFindHope said:


> The profile approached one of my friends and why would he do that? (I don't think he'd recognise this friend of mine if he met her in person much less saw a pic on a dating site)


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## TryinToFindHope (Jun 13, 2017)

If it had been a friend that I know he would have recognised - then that would have been a point in his favour. But this isn't a friend that he would be likely to recognise in real life much less if he was staring at a picture on her dating profile site. This secret dating profile also had the highest privacy settings possible. It can't be seen on the site unless the profile directly approaches you and wants to chat. Sounds like someone really wanted to hide and not have a casual observer notice him (he knows that a number of my friends and family members are currently using online dating) or any of the details that could potentially be identified as him. Why would a catfish be so cautious? My friend only recognised his photo because I had literally just been showing her PHOTOS of is us that evening just before this dating profile 'pinged' her wanting to chat. To give her credit, she didn't say anything to me straight away but talked to my other friends and showed them to make sure and find out if we had perhaps recently broken up and I wasn't ready to reveal it yet. Afterwards she asked me if I was ok and if my partner and I were still actually together or if we'd broken up very recently and I needed a hug? When I told her that of course we were together she looked like I'd just told her someone had died. She had me sit down, put her arm around me and then pulled up the profile and showed me. 

While I have no doubt that many of my friends would like to see the relationship end (it's been a long hard road filled with us dealing with his very considerable problems) they do not have access to any of these old photos from before I even knew him and this profile is filled with all his actual information and the same tag line he used when we met. He says some of the details are wrong...and I say that those inaccurate details all make him look like a better catch and more attractive to a potential match by lying about height, smoking, health, body shape and hobbies. 

I wanted so badly to believe it was a catfish...you can read my deep denial and hope at the beginning of this thread. And while the last thing, THE LAST THING, I want to do is leave the man that I am so in love with and was planning on making babies (and I really need to start making those babies but we have been waiting for his health to improve for the last FOUR YEARS before we felt comfortable starting) - this is just crazy. He's so freakin angry at me because I am upset over this. He was furious that my friend was online dating and how would she even recognise him - why on earth be angry at this unless he was pissed off that he'd been discovered? It's only something that I remembered him saying last night as I lay awake carefully putting all his behaviour and words into order. It sounds like a cheater to me and an angry one that is pissed I'm upset and just won't forget about it and get over it. I ask him to forward the emails he sent and he does but it's days after he actually sent them and he was resentful that I actually wanted proof that they were sent. Why? Because he is pissed that the gig is up and that I am personally making him prove he is doing what he says he is doing rather than just 'trusting him'. 

I told him I was going to be emotional about this however any time I express that I am upset he is angry. So angry. At one point he told me that if I am just so unhappy I should leave. Wow. What a cop out. He has so little investment in us that he doesn't even want to fight for me, reassure me and work through this. I get to do it all on my own because these are my trust issues. Really? I have not been distrustful in 5 years and the first time I question that for LEGITIMATE reasons, I am crazy and don't trust him? Thanks. All the years of trust I have consistently shown him and he tells me to to just leave if I'm that unhappy. What a blame shifting asshat. The more I think about it the more enraged I get. The more I realise how much he has taken me and my loyalty and support for granted and devalues it. He's upset because my friends and family know about the dating profile. Sorry - if it's a catfish then prove it and no one will call you a cheater but he's slow to make the effort, slow to do anything to fix this and fast to be angry and resentful. Being called a cheater only hurts when the crown fits and you didn't want anyone to know what a sh*tty person you are. 

I haven't talked to him. I just can't right now. I would blow up and become that crazy person he likes to try and make out I am. Really? I wasn't crazy when I was paying for expensive experimental therapies, keeping the creditors at bay and making hideously complicated meals with completely organic foods and safe for chemo after 9 hours at work! Actually... he's got a point. I was completely effing CRAZY for sticking by him through that emotional and physical hell for YEARS! It never benefited ME to be in the relationship...he got all the perks and support while I apparently got the glory of being with a sullen and cheating ass hat. UGH! I can't stop the anger!!!


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

TryinToFindHope said:


> If it had been a friend that I know he would have recognised - then that would have been a point in his favour. But this isn't a friend that he would be likely to recognise in real life much less if he was staring at a picture on her dating profile site. This secret dating profile also had the highest privacy settings possible. It can't be seen on the site unless the profile directly approaches you and wants to chat. Sounds like someone really wanted to hide and not have a casual observer notice him (he knows that a number of my friends and family members are currently using online dating) or any of the details that could potentially be identified as him. Why would a catfish be so cautious? My friend only recognised his photo because I had literally just been showing her PHOTOS of is us that evening just before this dating profile 'pinged' her wanting to chat. To give her credit, she didn't say anything to me straight away but talked to my other friends and showed them to make sure and find out if we had perhaps recently broken up and I wasn't ready to reveal it yet. Afterwards she asked me if I was ok and if my partner and I were still actually together or if we'd broken up very recently and I needed a hug? When I told her that of course we were together she looked like I'd just told her someone had died. She had me sit down, put her arm around me and then pulled up the profile and showed me.
> 
> While I have no doubt that many of my friends would like to see the relationship end (it's been a long hard road filled with us dealing with his very considerable problems) they do not have access to any of these old photos from before I even knew him and this profile is filled with all his actual information and the same tag line he used when we met. He says some of the details are wrong...and I say that those inaccurate details all make him look like a better catch and more attractive to a potential match by lying about height, smoking, health, body shape and hobbies.
> 
> ...


I'm so sorry you're going through this.

If this is what your gut is telling you, then you are probably right.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TryinToFindHope said:


> It sounds like a cheater to me and an angry one that is pissed I'm upset and just won't forget about it and get over it. I ask him to forward the emails he sent and he does but it's days after he actually sent them and he was resentful that I actually wanted proof that they were sent. Why? Because he is pissed that the gig is up and that I am personally making him prove he is doing what he says he is doing rather than just 'trusting him'.


Do you still have an account on that dating site or any dating site? 


TryinToFindHope said:


> Really? I wasn't crazy when I was paying for expensive experimental therapies, keeping the creditors at bay and making hideously complicated meals with completely organic foods and safe for chemo after 9 hours at work!


Have you been supporting him financially?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Could you please clarify, is he claiming that someone took over his account? or is he claiming that someone created a fake account using his photos, name and some details?


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## TryinToFindHope (Jun 13, 2017)

I assume that I must still have an account somewhere on the site. But it was deactivated 5 years ago and I can't even really remember my username much less the password for it.

I have provided him with financial support not to mention time and everything else. He can't claim any more off me (I checked already) and while I want to shove him face first into bankruptcy the fact of the matter is that it will be a long process and I can live very comfortably without it. My friends are quite right...what price do I put on my mental wellbeing right now? It's priceless to me and a matter of my survival. It corks my ass to let him get away with it but f him! I'll call it my stupidity tax and five years of bad judgement. I've walked away from more when I had even less to walk away with - I can do it again.

He doesn't know what happened. Either someone took over the old account or its a new account using the old pics and details. He doesn't know because he can't remember what his profile really looked like from 5 years ago. And there is never going to an answer to it.


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## MrRight (Apr 17, 2017)

I suppose the moral of this story is if you find a partners's photos on a dating profile - sign up and try to make a date - see if he shows up.

my wife did this to me before marriage - she wrote to me posing as a mystery women and I took the bait

still married me though - and now we're both paying the cost


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TryinToFindHope said:


> He doesn't know what happened. Either someone took over the old account or its a new account using the old pics and details. He doesn't know because he can't remember what his profile really looked like from 5 years ago. And there is never going to an answer to it.


He sent you the emails that he used to close the account down. What info did he provide to prove that the account is his and thus he has the authority to get it closed down? 

If someone used his photos and info to open a new account, he would not be able to get the account closed down. Why is that? Because he would not know the personal information that was given at sign up. He would not know the email address that was used to create the account.

If someone took his account over, he still would not have the info to close it down. I presume that the pirate would have change the email address to their email address. They would have to pay for it out of their own credit card. 

There are a lot of people who have the same names. So just writing: "Hello this is John Smith. Someone stole me account with your company, so will you please close the account down." .. this is not going to get the account closed.

He has to prove that he is the John Smith that the account claims to be. So again, what info did he provide to close the account down?


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## TryinToFindHope (Jun 13, 2017)

He contacted the security department for the website and advised them that he had been made aware of his images being used on a particular account (he provided details of the account that he had gotten from me) and that he wanted it investigated for identity theft. They got back in contact after three days and advised they had reviewed the account and that it had been terminated. 

Thanks for proving that once again I'm an idiot. Why would they terminate an account without permission? Makes no sense. You could get anything terminated by making up bogus claims  

Ugh. I feel so stupid. And that makes me angry and sad. I am going to really miss the man that I thought he was and the future that we were planning.


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## TryinToFindHope (Jun 13, 2017)

And now I finally feel the urge to really cry.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TryinToFindHope said:


> He contacted the security department for the website and advised them that he had been made aware of his images being used on a particular account (he provided details of the account that he had gotten from me) and that he wanted it investigated for identity theft. They got back in contact after three days and advised they had reviewed the account and that it had been terminated.
> 
> Thanks for proving that once again I'm an idiot. Why would they terminate an account without permission? Makes no sense. You could get anything terminated by making up bogus claims
> 
> Ugh. I feel so stupid. And that makes me angry and sad. I am going to really miss the man that I thought he was and the future that we were planning.


Just another hole in his story.

I would love to see the emails that he claims he sent to them and received from them. They would be pretty easy to fake. (I'm sure you are not going to send them to me. I'm simply thinking out loud.)


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TryinToFindHope said:


> And now I finally feel the urge to really cry.


A good cry will help you. Get some tea, put on some sad music and really get that cry on. It will be cleansing.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> A good cry will help you. Get some tea, put on some sad music and really get that cry on. It will be cleansing.




You beat me to it. Yes cry. You have loss to grieve. It's ok to let loose.

Don't overthink this and don't over analyze

We're just internet people; you are living this life. We don't really know anything because we're not there. 

Let go and grieve then relax.

Time is on your side.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

I believe the police could get the IP address from the website, since it would be identity theft. 




Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

I googled this, and apparently there are many people that have had their photos, phone numbers, etc. stolen and put on a fake dating site. 

So it does happen more than you realize. 

I just think his "anger" is suspicious. 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## TryinToFindHope (Jun 13, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Just another hole in his story.
> 
> I would love to see the emails that he claims he sent to them and received from them. They would be pretty easy to fake. (I'm sure you are not going to send them to me. I'm simply thinking out loud.)


Yeah, I have no faith in the emails either now. Cheaters lie. It doesn't matter. I've dealt with a cheat before. They don't care about you, only about getting caught and losing the benefits you provided. I think the greatest fear they have is that you will tell everyone they are a cheater. Sucks to have that mud thrown at you and stick - you can't pretend you're a good guy then and it's harder to find a good partner afterwards (no joke, that was actually something my ex put into an email months we'd split and I'd gone no contact. He wanted to know who I'd told because that was more important than anything else - Public Image).

So...my new soon-too-be-ex is also a cheater. Awesome. There is nothing to save. There is only lies and a crappy foundation that I built in my own trust and loyalty by myself. Hooray. I've been alone in this relationship the whole time, he wasn't on my team and he never had my back. Like I said, I am really going to miss the man that I thought he was. This new guy? I'm not going to miss him at all. You can't miss someone that treats you like a backup plan. I used Tin Eye and it came up with nothing. However, it doesn't matter. The account has been terminated. It's him. Trawling for a new partner. I'll let him get on with it. I need to heal and then see if I can find someone nothing like him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

dianaelaine59 said:


> I believe the police could get the IP address from the website, since it would be identity theft.


Sure, they could subpoena the IP addresses used for that account. But I doubt that they would because taking over someone's dating account is not really much of an identity theft.

There are cases of identity theft that cost people huge sums of money, ruin their credit, lose them their homes, etc and the authorities can hardly do anything about those.

If the only thing someone did was to use his name and photos, that's not causing him much harm really... not in the eyes of the overworked police and court system.

But I bet that if he really wanted to prove that he was not using the account, he could get a lawyer to get that info. IP addresses, and other info like email address and credit card info might help to clear up that he no longer had control of the account.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TryinToFindHope said:


> Yeah, I have no faith in the emails either now. Cheaters lie. It doesn't matter. I've dealt with a cheat before. They don't care about you, only about getting caught and losing the benefits you provided. I think the greatest fear they have is that you will tell everyone they are a cheater. Sucks to have that mud thrown at you and stick - you can't pretend you're a good guy then and it's harder to find a good partner afterwards (no joke, that was actually something my ex put into an email months we'd split and I'd gone no contact. He wanted to know who I'd told because that was more important than anything else - Public Image).


One of the biggest aspects of the culture of cheating is that it must be done secretly, in the dark. Turn the lights on and they scatter like roaches. This is especially true of serial cheaters.
To me it sounds like you poured way too much of yourself into this man. Sometimes we do that. And usually a man who requires that much from us is a user. They are into it for themselves. 


TryinToFindHope said:


> So...my new soon-too-be-ex is also a cheater. Awesome. There is nothing to save. There is only lies and a crappy foundation that I built in my own trust and loyalty by myself. Hooray. I've been alone in this relationship the whole time, he wasn't on my team and he never had my back. Like I said, I am really going to miss the man that I thought he was. This new guy? I'm not going to miss him at all. You can't miss someone that treats you like a backup plan. I used Tin Eye and it came up with nothing. However, it doesn't matter. The account has been terminated. It's him. Trawling for a new partner. I'll let him get on with it. I need to heal and then see if I can find someone nothing like him.


I’m glad you realize that you love the man you thought he was, not the man he is. This is an important realization that it often takes people a long time to realize. You got to it pretty quickly. Good for you.


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## TryinToFindHope (Jun 13, 2017)

Thanks EleGirl...but this isn't my first rodeo :| So I can't claim to be quick...just experienced which is so much worse. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice and shame on me. I should have been much more vigilant. Less trusting. Less of a support. I've been a grade-A idiot and that adds a real sting. 

You're right I poured too much of myself into this. I gave 100% because I trusted and loved. I thought that those were just a few of my good qualities and they have turned around and bit me in the ass. Believe it or not but I'm a smart person, top of my field and I've been played for a fool. I get to face the public humiliation of having been with a using cheater for 5 years and having nothing to show for it except an STD test and the onslaught of counselling bills. What a delightful parting gift. He can go 'f' himself. Must be great to use people and walk away Scot free. Wish I was. 

I expect pain, swings and roundabouts and quick cycling through the grief cycle over and over and over again before I finally start to heal. No contact will really help. I can't know anything about what he is doing - otherwise it will set me back. I have to think of him as dead and never coming back. Block, block and block again.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

TryinToFindHope said:


> Thanks EleGirl...but this isn't my first rodeo :| So I can't claim to be quick...just experienced which is so much worse. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice and shame on me. I should have been much more vigilant. Less trusting. Less of a support. I've been a grade-A idiot and that adds a real sting.
> 
> You're right I poured too much of myself into this. I gave 100% because I trusted and loved. I thought that those were just a few of my good qualities and they have turned around and bit me in the ass. Believe it or not but I'm a smart person, top of my field and I've been played for a fool. I get to face the public humiliation of having been with a using cheater for 5 years and having nothing to show for it except an STD test and the onslaught of counselling bills. What a delightful parting gift. He can go 'f' himself. Must be great to use people and walk away Scot free. Wish I was.
> 
> I expect pain, swings and roundabouts and quick cycling through the grief cycle over and over and over again before I finally start to heal. No contact will really help. I can't know anything about what he is doing - otherwise it will set me back. I have to think of him as dead and never coming back. Block, block and block again.


Stop beating yourself up over this,you have done nothing wrong.You trusted and loved someone who wasn't deserving of it,that is a reflection of them not you.
Please do not let this episode turn you into a bitter woman who trusts nobody,that way the cheating bastards win.Hold your head high and get all your belongings back,even if it is only to burn them.If he is living in your house throw him out,even if you have to get the cops involved.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TryinToFindHope said:


> I used Tin Eye and it came up with nothing. However, it doesn't matter. The account has been terminated. It's him. Trawling for a new partner. I'll let him get on with it. I need to heal and then see if I can find someone nothing like him.


When I did my photo search test today, tineye did not find any of the photos that I know are on the internet.

When I used google image search, it found all of the photos. So try it with google image.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Sorry to hear about that.
Yeah, pics and ID are stolen and re-used. Hell, even whole message boards have been coped and scammed. But it was HIS actions towards you that gave him away. An innocent person in the same situation would be angry at everyone else BUT you.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> When I did my photo search test today, tineye did not find any of the photos that I know are on the internet.
> 
> When I used google image search, it found all of the photos. So try it with google image.



That's why its best to use both 
Sometimes google won't find a anything and sometimes tineye won't come up with anything .


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Sweetheart, you are a gem, and far, far from an idiot. 

Many women would have just swallowed his crap sandwich because it was what their heart wanted to hear. They would have went on to marry him and make little baby asshats. You are not that woman. 

You are smart. You realized very quickly that you are being cheated on, and you will not tolerate it.

Also, I don't believe you should be beating yourself up for the years you spent helping him cope with his medical issues. Or that you trusted him. You didn't hold your previous exs cheating against him, instead you gave him your heart and your trust. That's what a good person does, that is showing true love. 

Once again this shows what an amazing, caring partner in life you are. All of these qualities move forward with you now, and have shaped you into an even better person. After your heart and spirit heals, you are going to find an out of this world man, and you are going to give him an equally awesome wife and mother to his children. 

I hate that you had to suffer this, but I have full confidence that a wonderful life is ahead of you, so drive straight toward it, and don't even glance in the rear view mirror at that piece of disgusting roadkill you are leaving behind.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@TryinToFindHope

I'm just checking in on you. How are you doing?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I saw this yesterday and am relieved to see the evolution of your feelings.

He's following the cheater's script here - gaslighting, outsized anger, best-defense-is-a-good-offense, 'how dare you not trust me? How dare you?'

The 'I got hacked' response seems very common. Along with 'I have no idea how those calls showed up on our bill,' and 'we were only helping one another with the problems in our relationships.' Such common diversions. (My favorite is 'my phone must have butt texted,' when the WS got caught sending his dirty affair text to his BW by mistake.)

I think that your P's aggressive anger is nothing more than a tactic. This is his best option for shutting you up and getting you to recommit to the R without any more difficulty for him. Again, this is part of the cheater's script, sadly.

And no matter what, in the infinitesimal chance that he was catfished, his subsequent treatment of you shows that he cares about himself and not about you. For that alone, I would want to leave a partner who did this.

I know this is heartbreaking and I'm sorry for your pain. Stay away and do the 180. Keep us posted on what he does when he realizes that his tactics aren't working anymore.


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## TryinToFindHope (Jun 13, 2017)

Hi everyone, thanks so much for the support. I really need it. I took a trip away for the weekend to blow the cobwebs out. Turns out that I've just been going through the motions and this situation just keeps staying on my mind. It sucks.

I'm still in complete NC. I want to reach out to him but I stop myself every time and just scream at him in my head. He hasn't reached out to me either so ...what a loving and caring guy :|

I feel betrayed, sad, angry, desperate, pathetic, stupid, numb and the worst thing- like somehow I'm not good enough! Which is just awful since I'm the one that stood by him through everything and had integrity. It would have been easier for me to leave! But I stayed, loved and gave my all to this relationsh*t. How is it fair that I now get all the pain and confusion?

9 days ago we booked a big trip away in three months. 8 days ago I found out he was looking for a new partner. What a mindf*uck. More money I put into a man and relationsh*t than never deserved me. It's infuriating that I walk away with nothing except wasted years, a broken heart and less money. He walks away in a much better position to when I met him. That pisses me off like nothing else! He destroyed it so why does he win?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I don't think he wins. He's still his sucky self. There is a reason why he gone from one short term relationship to the next. Now you know what the other women know. 

Yea, you will never get your money back. But I guess that's the price of a tough education. I too have lost a lot of money in similar educations processes. Just got to accept that you it was what you felt was right at the time. And then learn to never do this again.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Can you cancel that trip? Or go on it with a friend?


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## TryinToFindHope (Jun 13, 2017)

The trip is cancelled. But got hit with the hefty cancellation fee. Can't change his name on it cancel was the only option. Ugh! I hate this! Why on earth did he cheat? If he was so unhappy with me why didn't he just say?? He said anything else!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

TryinToFindHope said:


> Hi everyone, thanks so much for the support. I really need it. I took a trip away for the weekend to blow the cobwebs out. Turns out that I've just been going through the motions and this situation just keeps staying on my mind. It sucks.
> 
> I'm still in complete NC. I want to reach out to him but I stop myself every time and just scream at him in my head. He hasn't reached out to me either so ...what a loving and caring guy :|
> 
> ...


Do not change who you are, there is nothing wrong with you, it is him. Yes, you have learned a hard lesson, but you will meet someone who is worthy of you.
He will move on and live with the regret of throwing away a good woman and relationship. What goes around always comes around. Just be kind to yourself.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TryinToFindHope said:


> The trip is cancelled. But got hit with the hefty cancellation fee. Can't change his name on it cancel was the only option. Ugh! I hate this! Why on earth did he cheat? If he was so unhappy with me why didn't he just say?? He said anything else!


There is a very good chance that he was not unhappy with you at all.

Very often when men cheat, they will say that they love their SO/wife and are very happy with her. They just like having something on the side. From what you said in your earlier posts, I think he falls in this category of cheater. He was not trying to replace you. Which is also pretty scary.


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## TryinToFindHope (Jun 13, 2017)

Thanks Elegirl. It means a lot to me to have the support of people here. It helps this situation not suck so bad and it strengthens my resolve.

I felt a bit better today. Buying new appliances and just imagining myself in a loving relationship with someone that adores me and ONLY me. It sucks to start over but maybe it's just the perfect timing and i wont know it until later. A girl can dream right?

I'm still so angry. He lied to me and now I think the guilt and need to buy stuff to make it up to me has hit him. I'm still NC. It hurts and when his name pops up my heart starts beating hard. I wish I was so far over this. I wish i wasn't so raw. I wish he hadn't disappointed me. I really thought he was a better man. It sucks to realise what a disrespectful, lying, spoilt, selfish, entitled coward he really is. I can do better and I am much better than him. He's the fool that couldn't see what he's lost.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

As the saying goes. you dont know what you have, until its gone....


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