# Need advice- he's having emotional affair



## baby blue (Mar 11, 2013)

I'm not sure what to do :scratchhead:
Seperated last week, we went together and got him a hotel for month so he could think about what he wants. He's lost, confused, and feels like he's going to explode.. I went to put money onto his phone, which I didn't do after I found MANY calls between a co-worker and him. Found out it was a co-worker because I called number. She said they were "best friends but she is happly married". He came over to explain.. They are just good friends and he can't talk to anyone so he talks to her about us. Although, she didn't even know who I was.. I had him read what emotional affair was, and the signs.. He said he didn't see it that way, and was sorry. Said he'd stop calling her.. We went on a trip, just to get away from everything and try to relax as a couple. That went terrible, he is SO lost and in his own world. Well, I just went to put the money on his phone, which I did this time, but then looked again. He actually had a vioce mail he checked that day we talked, AND on our vacation trip when he went to get coffee.. What the heck should I do?


----------



## Theo123 (Mar 15, 2013)

This emotional affair is not okay. He needs to get into IC now and work through it and you two need marriage counseling.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

You are not in a good situation. If hes that " lost" he should be confiding in you - not some other woman. What I don't understand is why are you putting money on his phone? Do you handle the finances for the home? Why isn't he doing it himself?


----------



## *needaunderstand* (Jun 11, 2012)

if he is lost and confiding in her the things he cant tell you cause they are probably about you, then why doesnt she know who you are. if they are best friends surely she knows who you are. if not what are they talking about??? does her husband know she is having an emotional affair on him. im confused about this. he doesnt sound very interested in trying. either he is lying about who she is to him and she is lying as well or he is just nuts. cause the whole situation sounds a bit fishy. and i know that is hard because im in the after math of the same situation. im still trying to deal with it. we dont want to believe its true and we want to move forward but we cant help that deep in the back of our minds we are stewing on what we dont know. hope you start to feel better. i dont have the best advice. only an lousy opinion. but dont give up something that is worth fixing.


----------



## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

Never a good thing. This risks wiping out two marriages. I'll bet her husband doesn't know about their interactions. If you are unwilling to talk about things then I can see getting another woman's opinion, but there is a fine line between advice & affair? Usually subjecting yourself to the temptation of another will bite you.


----------



## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

lost, confused, feels like he wants to explode = needs some space, not sure what he wants, loves you but not in love with you?

co-workers have more opportunity for physical affairs than most. I would be pretty surprised if all they were doing was talking. The fact that he's still in contact with her despite saying he's not and when on a trip you've gone on to try and save your marriage is a massive red flag

What do you think would happen if you hadn't caught him?


----------



## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

Six months ago my wife needed space, needed a social life of her own (which she said I had no right to know about) and started confiding in several other people - either "sympathetic" men. 

Fast forward six months and she has dropped the D-bomb and is now in a relationship with one of those "sympathetic" men - having rejected another who asked her to run away with him. 

That may be what your future holds - if you read threads on here you will see the same stories played out time and time again. I would act now while you can - or at very least whilst you get to decide on how your future pans out rather than leaving it to him to decide whether you still have a marriage or not.


----------



## baby blue (Mar 11, 2013)

What I don't understand is why are you putting money on his phone? Do you handle the finances for the home? [/QUOTE]

I handle the majority of the finances. He pays for the Mortgage, and I cover the other bill's & needs. I don't think putting money on the phone will be a problem.. I already caught the phone calls, he knows I can see it, so more then likly he won't use the money anyways.. He'll just use the hotel phone


----------



## totamm (May 1, 2012)

They work together, you're living separate and apart, how do you know it's only emotional?

Odds are it's a heck of a lot more than that.


----------



## baby blue (Mar 11, 2013)

Dollystanford said:


> co-workers have more opportunity for physical affairs than most.
> What do you think would happen if you hadn't caught him?


I know very well about co-workers and PA.. He's done that in the past, and we worked thru it with counseling and a lot of work. He swears this time it isn't that. How he put it- which to me makes sense- (when I was addressing to him it's an EA..

"It's not, how could it be. She's a friend. I have no idea what my problem is this time, last time It was the PA that helped cause worse feelings and this time I feel that way but that factor isn't there."


----------



## baby blue (Mar 11, 2013)

*needaunderstand* said:


> im confused about this. either he is lying about who she is to him and she is lying as well or he is just nuts. cause the whole situation sounds a bit fishy. but dont give up something that is worth fixing.


I don't know how she doesn't know who I am either, mostly when she's a friend of his on FB and see's all the pics of us and the kids. He said- "she knows who u are", then I said- "well she said she didn't know who I was- so I told her".. Maybe I caught her off guard..
I believe in never giving up without a fight, mostly if it's what you want in life. That's why we fought to save our relationship before. BUT, when do you know to just give up


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

baby blue said:


> What I don't understand is why are you putting money on his phone? Do you handle the finances for the home?


I handle the majority of the finances. He pays for the Mortgage, and I cover the other bill's & needs. I don't think putting money on the phone will be a problem.. I already caught the phone calls, he knows I can see it, so more then likly he won't use the money anyways.. He'll just use the hotel phone [/QUOTE]

I figured you must be taking care of the bills. I did too. Do you have access to credit card reciepts or statements?


----------



## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

The best thing my ex did for me is to divorce me. I caught her cheating with a mutual friend, she had been supposedly consoling after his marriage went south, he cheated on his ex as well. I caught them, by secretly following her, she filed, I moved out, & that was it. No remorse, no keeping me around so I could constantly have to spy on her, check her phone etc. Life is too short to have to play detective. It was brutal but much better to move on.
We weren't even separated. Being separated, I can bet he is doing quite a bit. I wish you luck but you can do better. I've always believed once someone strays, they've made their choice?


----------



## baby blue (Mar 11, 2013)

totamm said:


> They work together, you're living separate and apart, how do you know it's only emotional?
> 
> Learned from the past- It doesn't matter if they live with you or not.. So that doesn't matter.. Yes, might make it easier but at this piont I wish it would have been PA instead. Frustrated


----------



## baby blue (Mar 11, 2013)

woundedwarrior said:


> We weren't even separated. Being separated, I can bet he is doing quite a bit. I wish you luck but you can do better. QUOTE]
> 
> Should I have not forced the seperation??? He wanted to stay at home, just in different room so we could work on it here. But, I couldn't take looking at him without anger/crying (this was BEFORE finding all this out) when it was only "I'm lost and don't know about us"..


----------



## baby blue (Mar 11, 2013)

smallsteps said:


>


I figured you must be taking care of the bills. I did too. Do you have access to credit card reciepts or statements?[/QUOTE]

Ya, I pay the credit card bills, and his bank statements come to the house. We don't have a joint acct. but ya I open the stuff. He knows I watch carefully, due to he had identity theft in Dec. of last yr... At least he knows I watch the credit cards, but pretty sure he knows I watch it all..


----------



## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

I don't think being separated makes any difference. Since he was hiding his "friend" from you, it wouldn't have mattered?
When you are separated, it is a time to be by yourself to reflect on things, not have affairs, date etc. If you really care about a marriage, being with someone else shouldn't even be an interest?


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

My problem is he was in sales so dinners- hotels were all part of the job.


----------



## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Baby blue -- if I understand this correctly, he also had a PA while you were together?


Also - a little background: How long have you been married? Any kids? Are you able to take care of yourself financially?


----------



## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

baby blue said:


> totamm said:
> 
> 
> > They work together, you're living separate and apart, how do you know it's only emotional?
> ...


----------



## baby blue (Mar 11, 2013)

angelpixie said:


> Baby blue -- if I understand this correctly, he also had a PA while you were together?
> Also - a little background: How long have you been married? Any kids? Are you able to take care of yourself financially?


Yes he had PA before (2003) & (2008), and we did all the counseling stuff. Then we worked it out, started building trust again per how they suggested. The one in 2008 really hit him, and he realized what he did and how it affected the boy's. Then I got really sick end of 2009 and couldn't work for 2010-2012 due to recovery. Since then it's been good. Officially, we are not married- but we have been together since 1997 (16 yrs) and have kids. We have everything any married couple would, just not the paper due to the affair in 2003 cancelled our wedding, and I've never asked him and he's scaried to ask me. Financially- no He pays mortgage, I pay all others. The mortgage is to high with other bills for me to handle alone. Problem is (depends how u look at it)- the house is only in my mom's and I names, and not only would my house go but also her mother house on property. So it's a mess.. Read below and you'll see more info


----------



## baby blue (Mar 11, 2013)

Update- Spoke with him today, due to selling off a few things and needed him to sign titles. He asked where his medical card is (although I can't find it). I asked why- He actually went to his supervisor and asked about EAP benefits (free counseling for some visits). I asked him- are you going to go do that. He said yes... -- Kinda good news right?

Bad news- my youngest son (15) heard me on phone talking about the 25 yr old 'friend'.. My oldest (21) called me about an hour ago asking what the H and that his brother called balling his eye's out ( I was out with friends).. Now my youngest wants nothing to do with his dad (he wanted to spend this wkend w/him). My oldest (which hasn't even been called from him about this whole thing at all) said he's done. That to him he's nothing but just a man who needs to .... off. PS- I have VERY protective boy's, and they don't think twice about putting any man in place if they hurt thier mom, even him. Can you say S... I'm so lost now.. If he finds out they know ugh... Even if we can work it out, he's lost them for good this time. I told my oldest it isn't a PA, but he doesn't care. I'm talking to my youngest when he gets up tomorrow, but I just don't know..


----------



## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

MyselfAgain said:


> baby blue said:
> 
> 
> > Why do you wish it had been a PA? An EA is enough of a reason to divorce. That he has cheated before makes him a high risk partner already.
> ...


----------



## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

In response to your sons reactions, they will be able to forgive in time, if you, their mother is treated well again. If you two would make amends, they would "come around" again. Sons are very protective of their mother, which is a good thing. I hope the EAP can help but it will depend how bad he wants it & you.


----------



## baby blue (Mar 11, 2013)

Well, I talked to my youngest trying to get him to understand that we are all hurting. That I understand this is horrible, and not right. He is dead set. He won't listen at all. As he say's- He's done this now 3+ times now and enough is enough, I'm done watching him hurt you, hurt me and hurt this house. All he does is makes you cry, and screw him he's done, he's no longer my dad. You better not allow him back here, he doesn't ever deserve it. I can't think at school, I can't sleep, and he doesn't care who he hurts... OMGosh, was I crying 
I told him he should go to counselor (he went himself to the school counselor when all this started), but now he say's nope it's screwing me up at school already what can she do to help. I told him we can get him outside counseling, I doubt he'll want to and in WA at 13+ they have chioce of go or not...
When I said, dad needs our support and he needs someone. He's lost and he's checking into counseling. He just got very straight faced and said- Enough is enough, my dad doesn't deserve any help from any of us. He caused all this and now he can be gone for good...

Woundedwarrior---(or anyone else)

I'll do anything to help my kids they are #1 (part of problem because I put them first always), I'll do anything to help him (because that's who I am)... But, I'm scaried this time I might lose the kid's respect. I'm showing them that women are weak and I don't care about them and how they feel... I want to work this out but at what cost do I take?????
I left him note telling him about this huge problem (I'm at work- graveyard) and (he's picking up boat to go fish in am).. I hope to gosh he doesn't run into my youngest getting ready for school, or that this pushes him over the edge that now he's really losing everything...


----------



## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

Walk...no run...NOW.

This is his third affair. Are you seriously considering taking him back? I do not believe it was just emotional. This woman is a wh0re who has no respect for your marriage, and he is an infidel who can't keep his pants on.


----------



## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

Call it quits with him. You risk losing respect of your kids to a man who really doesn't care anyway?


----------



## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

You are absolutely right, you are risking your kids respect. You're all they have left now, and you are training them in how to treat women. That's part of our job as parents, too, to prepare them for adulthood and adult relationships. Do you want them to absorb the message that it's OK to treat women like this? If you had a daughter, would you want her treated the same way you're being treated? I think the answer to both would be 'NO.' 

You are not at fault for him cheating. Stop that thinking right there. Cheating is a conscious choice he has made -- MORE THAN ONCE. There is such a thing as a serial cheater, and he's one of them. It takes both people to make a marriage work or fail, but only one to choose to cheat. 

There are so many reasons to end this now. Your sons are right at the top of the list, but your own self-respect is first. Unless and until he can truly admit what he's done -- cheated -- and be totally transparent on every level and NEVER trying to minimize what he's done, then HE WILL DO THIS AGAIN. 

I don't know how much you've read the threads on TAM that have to do with EAs and PAs and serial cheaters, but there are patterns to behaviors like these.

This man does not need your support. He needs a kick in the ass to see what he's doing to his family -- AGAIN. If this was the first time? Maybe. But not after so many times. You kids need your support. Don't ask them to put aside their hurt for the man who is supposed to be an example for them. He should have been thinking about them instead of 'chasing tail.'

I'm sorry to be so blunt, BBlue, but having just come out of a relationship with multiple EAs, I have some pretty strong feelings. I wish I had had TAM as a resource back then. I hope I would have done things differently.


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I know I've never met him, but my gut says he's lying to you.
1)He is being deceitful during your "couple trip"; 2)OW is only a best friend who doesn't know who you are? These are horrible signs.
Why are you tolerating this type of behavior?


----------

