# What do you guys do when...



## Needhelp200 (Feb 23, 2015)

ok guys, very long story here but lets just start with the important stuff, basically we have been dating a year, been engaged to not engaged back to engaged. we have had highs and lows and everything else. lack of sex has been an issue arising in the last 3 months before it was like 6 times a week at least... what the hell do you guys do when your girl denies you multiple times? I've reached the point where i basically resent her and sometimes have to leave the room in frustration. after denial the first time i can play it ok, some disappointment is obvious after multiple times its clear I'm pretty upset here...


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Issues like this so early on will likely become worse rather than better over time. If you guys are not compatible regarding frequency I personally think moving forward with her is not the right idea for either of you. Good luck.


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## batsociety (Jan 23, 2015)

You've only been together for a year and you're already having these kinds of problems? AND you're already engaged (on and off again)?

Maybe it's a sign you're not right for each other, dude. But I'm going to ignore that for a second and ask if you have ASKED her why she is rejecting you? When you say "lack of sex", how much is it lacking? Non-existent or just less than before? Have there been any changes in her life (working more, family drama, etc) or is it just out of the blue?


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## Needhelp200 (Feb 23, 2015)

-- well before it was like 6 times a week, i would initiate most of them, and even when i thought she might deny it from "being too tired" and other crap girls give us, she still would no matter what... then i "think" we got comfortable etc and now its literally on her watch, if she isn't in the mood forget it... she just says i don't want sex now, 

as far as changes, i mean yea we've been through the ringer with our fighting etc, then we went 5 weeks which was the longest we have gone with no sex, then got back together officially about 2 weeks ago, i didn't make a move period, i waited patiently and respectfully, then she initiated valentines day, then again 3 days later, now were on day 5 I've tried 5 times in the last 2.5 days, and i just keep getting no, and no its not her period either...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Needhelp200 said:


> -- well before it was like 6 times a week, i would initiate most of them, and even when i thought she might deny it from "being too tired" and other crap girls give us, she still would no matter what... then i "think" we got comfortable etc and now its literally on her watch, if she isn't in the mood forget it... she just says i don't want sex now,
> 
> as far as changes, i mean yea we've been through the ringer with our fighting etc, then we went 5 weeks which was the longest we have gone with no sex, then got back together officially about 2 weeks ago, i didn't make a move period, i waited patiently and respectfully, then she initiated valentines day, then again 3 days later, now were on day 5 I've tried 5 times in the last 2.5 days, and i just keep getting no, and no its not her period either...


You two keep breaking up. What is the reason for these breakups? Who is the one who beaks up?

What have you done to fix whatever the problems are that lead to these breakups.

What does she say the problem is with the sex? Have you asked her?

Problems with sex usually means that huge problems have developed in the relationship. You need to fix the relationship. The sex will get better with that.


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## Needhelp200 (Feb 23, 2015)

1- most of the breakups have honestly been just conflicts went too far and someone said things they didn't mean etc, 8-9 months back it was me initiating the break ups, i have grown since then and the last one was her about 6 weeks ago

2- i have started reading couples books to help, and we have our first couples therapy this thur

3- the last time i asked her was gosh, like 6-7 weeks ago, she said she was still mad at me (she has forgiveness issues)


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

how old are the two of you?

Ok so she has legitimate reasons to be upset. That means that your relationship is not in a good place. So yea, that will impact your sex life.

Since you do not share what she's upset about, I have to assume it's some thing significant. 

Letting conflicts get to the point where you two are having angry fights and saying awful things to each other is a very good reason to breakup. It's also a very good reason to not want to have sex. It sounds like the two of you need to learn how to control your anger.

I suggest that you get the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". The two of you read them together and do the work that the books suggest.


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## Needhelp200 (Feb 23, 2015)

Elegirl

im 32 she's almost 31, in the past she was upset about me not respecting boundaries- which in the publics eyes seem to be impossible and only a robot could do this--- she she says no to anything she wants to shut me off like you'd shut off a TV, no discussion no healthy talk nothing, she hangs up phone calls on me when she feels the conversation is done and she won't return to discussing it at a later time either... i guess I'm confused because i know my relationship isn't in a good place, but then why after 5 weeks would she initiate sex on valentines day, then outa no where in the middle of the day 3 days later?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

What kind of boundaries? Are you leering at other women in front of her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Needhelp200 said:


> Elegirl
> 
> im 32 she's almost 31, in the past she was upset about me not respecting boundaries- which in the publics eyes seem to be impossible and only a robot could do this--- she she says no to anything she wants to shut me off like you'd shut off a TV, no discussion no healthy talk nothing, she hangs up phone calls on me when she feels the conversation is done and she won't return to discussing it at a later time either...


You are speaking in such vague terms that it's hard to give any meaningful input. So could you please give examples of 2 or 3 of the times when she felt you crossed a boundary, what were you asking her to talk about and she refused. 



Needhelp200 said:


> i guess I'm confused because i know my relationship isn't in a good place,


It sounds like the two of you need to learn how to interact in a relationship. Please get and read those books I suggested. They will help you immensely.



Needhelp200 said:


> but then why after 5 weeks would she initiate sex on valentines day, then outa no where in the middle of the day 3 days later?


Because, like you she likes sex. And like you she's in love (with you). But also like you this relationship is driving her crazy.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Needhelp200 said:


> 1- most of the breakups have honestly been just conflicts went too far and someone said things they didn't mean etc, 8-9 months back it was me initiating the break ups, i have grown since then and the last one was her about 6 weeks ago


When couples fight a lot, it becomes harder and harder to bounce back. It becomes harder and harder to forget or forgive the harsh words that were said. It becomes harder and harder to give the other person the benefit of the doubt. And it becomes harder and harder to feel passion and want to have sex with someone if you are frequently upset or angry with them.

If your last break up was only six weeks ago, odds are that the issue that caused it isn't really resolved. Did you two rug-sweep whatever it is?

Also, if you were always the one breaking up with her, but this last time she was the one who broke up with you, it sounds like she's starting to doubt that this relationship is a good one for her. She wouldn't have broken up with you unless she was prepared to lose you forever.



> 2- i have started reading couples books to help, and we have our first couples therapy this thur
> 
> 3- the last time i asked her was gosh, like 6-7 weeks ago, she said she was still mad at me (she has forgiveness issues)


Without knowing what she's angry about, it's hard to say whether she has forgiveness issues or whether you did something that is difficult to forgive.

Either way, it doesn't sound like either of you are really ready to decide on marriage. A year isn't a really long time, so maybe it would be a good idea to postpone marriage until you work out some of these issues you have. Put a lot of yourself into that therapy, and do a lot of listening. Learn the communication and relationship skills that can reduce the fighting and turn it into understanding and working toward a common goal.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Run forest run!!!!

If keeping her man happy which entails considering his sexual needs isn't high on her priority list now it will never be!


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

You're getting all those rare warning signs before you get married. Fix them before you tie the knot or they will escalate out of control.
You don't want to start married life already broken.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Needhelp200 said:


> we have been dating a year,


Sorry. This confused me. What was the question again?

Oh yeah. It won't get better. Please ignore anyone that says it may. It won't. You're not even MARRIED yet and it's happened. At least my wife kept up the charade until "I do".


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

needhelp ;

forget about all opinion that tells you theories ; irrespective ; you are sexually incompatible ; it could be that she is LD by nature but was trying to impress you at first ; it could be that you are not satisfying her desires properly ; she could be a Lady and you could be a jerk ; or she could be selfish and your a duke .

The bottom line :
YOU ARE SEXUALLY INCOMPATIBLE ; STAY WITH HER AND GET STUCK 20 YEARS IN a sexless marriage .

For her sake ; and your sake ; both of you desrve a sexually compatible person; a mismatch is a nuclear bomb .


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## Needhelp200 (Feb 23, 2015)

What kind of boundaries? Are you leering at other women in front of her?"



no no nothing like that. in the past when i wanted to try and resolve a conflict usually over something completely stupid i would wanna try and talk it out calmly etc, she never does, ever, she fumes and fumes then shuts down, hangs up, tells me to leave her apt etc.... and i would do a few things, continue to try and talk or ask questions, if she hung up i would call a couple times then give up in anger, and one of her biggest blow ups was when i came home from work to her place and wanted to discuss things and she ignored me the whole time wouldn't even look at me, then she asked me to leave and get my **** and get out, i said uhhh ok i will after we resolve this, then after a few minutes she called the cops on me..... she wants me to respect" her boundaries by doing immediately whatever she says whether its don't touch her, don't try and talk to her, don't call back if she hangs up, respect her work day respect it all basically....


Im halfway through reading the book Love and respect by eggerichs and i am religious not strictly but i do believe but its like i dunno if i should stick in here or not, i definitely love and care about her... and our first real couples therapy session is this thur but its like dang, we aren't even married yet... :/


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## Needhelp200 (Feb 23, 2015)

norajane said:


> When couples fight a lot, it becomes harder and harder to bounce back. It becomes harder and harder to forget or forgive the harsh words that were said. It becomes harder and harder to give the other person the benefit of the doubt. And it becomes harder and harder to feel passion and want to have sex with someone if you are frequently upset or angry with them.
> 
> If your last break up was only six weeks ago, odds are that the issue that caused it isn't really resolved. Did you two rug-sweep whatever it is?
> 
> ...



well we didn't really rug sweep it exactly, its the whole boundary thing too which she feels i don't respect, also guys whats your opinion... she has had abusive physical exes and when i got upset like 6 weeks ago it scared her even though i didn't even raise my voice!!! she actually moved into my new apt feb 6th and of course we fought that night said things we shouldn't have said, and she moved out the next day... while she came to get her stuff, i put both my hands on her shoulders i said please please don't move out you don't need to do this--- she considers me putting my hands on her in a nice way an ANGER issue--- i think this is very distorted as well...


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Clearly you BOTH have issues, and getting married to each other would be a huge mistake. For future reference for YOU...a woman has the right to turn down sex (as does a man), and has the right to do so without anger and insults from the other partner. Nobody OWES anyone else sex, sex is a gift you choose to share with someone. My first husband used to do this to me, even though at first I rarely turned it down...all it did was cause resentment and trepidation in me towards him, and made me want sex less and less as time went on.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

In a nutshell, you need to end this relationship, and find someone much more compatible.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

You guys both sound erratic and immature. I don't think either of you are ready to get married. A guy in his 30s should not be doing that teenagery break-up/get-back-together routine with someone he's thinking about marrying. I'm guessing sex is not the problem here but the symptom.


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## Needhelp200 (Feb 23, 2015)

John Lee said:


> You guys both sound erratic and immature. I don't think either of you are ready to get married. A guy in his 30s should not be doing that teenagery break-up/get-back-together routine with someone he's thinking about marrying. I'm guessing sex is not the problem here but the symptom.


to clarify were not really doing the teenage breakup thing, when i broke up with her over 6 months ago it was because of her drinking- and the breakup was for about 2 weeks;, and this was a deal breaker for me, however since then she has changed her life and lifestyle and she no longer drinks to that extent... things would get threatened during arguments etc but its not like we break up every other week...


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Needhelp200 said:


> to clarify were not really doing the teenage breakup thing, when i broke up with her over 6 months ago it was because of her drinking- and the breakup was for about 2 weeks;, and this was a deal breaker for me, however since then she has changed her life and lifestyle and she no longer drinks to that extent... things would get threatened during arguments etc but its not like we break up every other week...


Even two breakups in the course of the first year of a relationship does not bode well for a marriage imo.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Need Help,
I agree the right to tell you to shut up and move out anytime, is not a reasonable boundary. You should probably honor her request. Stop talking to her and stop hanging around her apartment. 

You asked an unanswered question. Why did she initiate sex on valentines day, and why 3 days later. Here is my theory, because she is not going to tell you. Being alone on Valentines sucks. She wanted to pretend that she had a boyfriend that she loved for a week. Then she remembered that what she had was an ex boyfriend that annoyed her. 

She can continue being annoyed, and mad at you all by her self. She does not need or want your participation. She has told you this frequently. You have been warned to not accept abuse. You have been warned to not initiate abuse (by asking for or expecting sex).

Don't martyr yourself on the altar of your love for her.
MN


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## Needhelp200 (Feb 23, 2015)

Mr. Nail said:


> Need Help,
> I agree the right to tell you to shut up and move out anytime, is not a reasonable boundary. You should probably honor her request. Stop talking to her and stop hanging around her apartment.
> 
> You asked an unanswered question. Why did she initiate sex on valentines day, and why 3 days later. Here is my theory, because she is not going to tell you. Being alone on Valentines sucks. She wanted to pretend that she had a boyfriend that she loved for a week. Then she remembered that what she had was an ex boyfriend that annoyed her.
> ...


man dude, i like your theory... very good theory indeed, i know i have a lot of thinking to do for sure, our first session as a couple is this thursday... but def good point thank you

its just stupid though like I'm expected to just sit and wait around for days, until she is in the mood or whenever she feels like sex, this is starting to seem ridiculous


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Not a good prognosis for the future. Your whole life will be full of drama, anger, shouts, slamming door, and no sex. 

I really do not think you should get married. you both will be miserable. I understand that you care about her, but that's not enough to make marriage work.


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