# Dealing with the post-filing after affects



## justaguylookingforhelp

I am here mainly to vent. My wife and I were married for nearly 15 years. It was an okay marriage, but my wife twice had affairs. The second time I left and we were separated for a year before giving it another try because we had a child. That was about 7 years ago. For the past several years, it seemed like things were going good. After having some money issues due to the economy collapsing in the 2000s, we both had steady jobs, were paying off debt, had a second child, and things seemed to be going good. Lo and behold, not so much. We moved back close to my wife's hometown to be near family (my parents and her family live in the same town we do) and she ran into her high school sweetheart, who she had an affair with within the first year of us being married, and they carried on a long term affair. I honestly didn't see the signs until it was far too late and they had already been plotting to stay together for the long term. We talked in January about divorcing and I finally filed this summer. There was a brief flirtation with staying together for the kids, but it was obvious it wasn't going to work. I obviously don't trust her, she clearly wants to be with this other guy, etc. 

Fast forward to today and she has bought a new house (boyfriend supplied the down payment) and moved out, we're splitting custody of the kids 50/50 while the case snakes its way through the court system. I am here really to vent because my friends and family basically just say I should be happy to be out of the relationship because it was toxic and she didn't treat me with respect. Those things are true. But I also think even ending toxic relationships takes a toll on you, plus I am losing time with my kids through no fault of my own. Don't get me wrong, I am not the perfect spouse, but I wasn't abusive or mean or withheld sex or anything else. In fact, my ex flat out said she had no complaints about our marriage, she just thinks she is destined to be with this guy. Anyway, I am here because I know I am better off getting out of the marriage, but I also feel angry about how this played out, about losing time with my kids, I feel resentful that my ex gets to move on with her life with no repercussions, I feel hurt and rejected after being treated like an old shoe that can easily be replaced. I think my friends and family that know my situation just assume I should snap my fingers and be happy to move on. I think there is gray area where I can be happy to be out of a toxic relationship, but also sad and angry about how all this went down. They just don't want to talk about that latter half. Anyway, that was probably a much longer intro than most people give (I tend to be long winded!) but I am hoping that I can just share how I feel on here and people can relate. The relationship ending is not necessarily a bad thing, but elements of it still hurt.


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## jonty30

justaguylookingforhelp said:


> I am here mainly to vent. My wife and I were married for nearly 15 years. It was an okay marriage, but my wife twice had affairs. The second time I left and we were separated for a year before giving it another try because we had a child. That was about 7 years ago. For the past several years, it seemed like things were going good. After having some money issues due to the economy collapsing in the 2000s, we both had steady jobs, were paying off debt, had a second child, and things seemed to be going good. Lo and behold, not so much. We moved back close to my wife's hometown to be near family (my parents and her family live in the same town we do) and she ran into her high school sweetheart, who she had an affair with within the first year of us being married, and they carried on a long term affair. I honestly didn't see the signs until it was far too late and they had already been plotting to stay together for the long term. We talked in January about divorcing and I finally filed this summer. There was a brief flirtation with staying together for the kids, but it was obvious it wasn't going to work. I obviously don't trust her, she clearly wants to be with this other guy, etc.
> 
> Fast forward to today and she has bought a new house (boyfriend supplied the down payment) and moved out, we're splitting custody of the kids 50/50 while the case snakes its way through the court system. I am here really to vent because my friends and family basically just say I should be happy to be out of the relationship because it was toxic and she didn't treat me with respect. Those things are true. But I also think even ending toxic relationships takes a toll on you, plus I am losing time with my kids through no fault of my own. Don't get me wrong, I am not the perfect spouse, but I wasn't abusive or mean or withheld sex or anything else. In fact, my ex flat out said she had no complaints about our marriage, she just thinks she is destined to be with this guy. Anyway, I am here because I know I am better off getting out of the marriage, but I also feel angry about how this played out, about losing time with my kids, I feel resentful that my ex gets to move on with her life with no repercussions, I feel hurt and rejected after being treated like an old shoe that can easily be replaced. I think my friends and family that know my situation just assume I should snap my fingers and be happy to move on. I think there is gray area where I can be happy to be out of a toxic relationship, but also sad and angry about how all this went down. They just don't want to talk about that latter half. Anyway, that was probably a much longer intro than most people give (I tend to be long winded!) but I am hoping that I can just share how I feel on here and people can relate. The relationship ending is not necessarily a bad thing, but elements of it still hurt.


Fight for your children, but she's on 100% on the block list. 

As you redefine yourself as an individual and not as part of a couple, it will get easier.


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## Evinrude58

It’s a hurtful deal. I suggest some counseling. It helps to have someone to talk to. You describe your marriage as ok except two affairs. Dude, it was awful. You need to get some perspective on what a vile individual your ex is, and let that sink in so your feelings for her will die. The sooner the better. And develop some confidence so that when the next lady shows signs of disloyalty, you can put her down the road without allowing emotions to cloud your judgement.
Very sorry you’ve had this experience. I have as well.


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## justaguylookingforhelp

jonty30,

Yes, I do agree with you that over time it will get easier. She just moved out about 2 months ago and even though we talked about the divorce at the beginning of the year, a lot of this is still fresh. So I do think over time it will become easier and more normal. 

Part of the issue, for me, is that I still have to see my ex to trade off the kids and things of that nature. In the past, if I broke up with someone, I just didn't see them anymore. In some ways, I think that made it easier to move on. Now I have to still see this person who treated me wrong and I have to be at least cordial in front of the kids because I don't want to poison that well. It's an odd balancing act that, again, I think will get easier over time. That being said, I think it is easier for her to be around me because she chose this and I don't think has any second thoughts about what she did. I kind of find that annoying too!


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## justaguylookingforhelp

Evinrude58 said:


> It’s a hurtful deal. I suggest some counseling. It helps to have someone to talk to. You describe your marriage as ok except two affairs. Dude, it was awful. You need to get some perspective on what a vile individual your ex is, and let that sink in so your feelings for her will die. The sooner the better. And develop some confidence so that when the next lady shows signs of disloyalty, you can put her down the road without allowing emotions to cloud your judgement.
> Very sorry you’ve had this experience. I have as well.


No, you are right. I do think I am trying to convince myself that it was okay outside of the two affairs and that is a mistake. It wasn't okay and I allowed emotions and the fear of starting over to cloud my judgment. The perspective you are talking about is really necessary to move forward, I think.


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## jonty30

justaguylookingforhelp said:


> jonty30,
> 
> Yes, I do agree with you that over time it will get easier. She just moved out about 2 months ago and even though we talked about the divorce at the beginning of the year, a lot of this is still fresh. So I do think over time it will become easier and more normal.
> 
> Part of the issue, for me, is that I still have to see my ex to trade off the kids and things of that nature. In the past, if I broke up with someone, I just didn't see them anymore. In some ways, I think that made it easier to move on. Now I have to still see this person who treated me wrong and I have to be at least cordial in front of the kids because I don't want to poison that well. It's an odd balancing act that, again, I think will get easier over time. That being said, I think it is easier for her to be around me because she chose this and I don't think has any second thoughts about what she did. I kind of find that annoying too!


Don't talk disrespectfully about her in front of the kids, no matter how much you fume. If you have any poor thoughts about her, maybe write them down in a journal so you can forget about them.


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## re16

What you are mourning is more the loss of the dream you had for your relationship. Avoiding this mourning was what likely drove you to stick around with here.

You need to get to a point that you feel good about yourself again. In our experience, male confidence goes up significantly when you work out / lift weights and improve you body self image while also raising your testosterone level by said work outs. Then when you start to talking to new females and realize there are plenty of fish in the sea, you will feel significantly better.

What you are feeling is normal, but you and only you can climb out those feelings. The simple techniques above will get you a ways down that road of climbing out of the doldrums you are in.

Sorry this happened to you.


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## Young at Heart

justaguylookingforhelp said:


> *I am here mainly to vent. *My wife and I were married for nearly 15 years. It was an okay marriage, *but my wife twice had affairs.* ,,,,,,,,, *We talked in January about divorcing and I finally filed this summer.* There was a brief flirtation with staying together for the kids, but it was obvious it wasn't going to work. *I obviously don't trust her, she clearly wants to be with this other guy, etc. *
> 
> ........ *I am here really to vent because my friends and family basically just say I should be happy* to be out of the relationship because it was toxic and she didn't treat me with respect. Those things are true. But I also think even *ending toxic relationships takes a toll on you*, plus I am *losing time with my kids through no fault of my own*. Don't get me wrong, I am not the perfect spouse, but I wasn't abusive or mean or withheld sex or anything else. In fact, my ex flat out said she had no complaints about our marriage, she just thinks she is destined to be with this guy. Anyway, *I am here because I know I am better off getting out of the marriage*, but I also feel angry about how this played out, about losing time with my kids, *I feel resentful that my ex gets to move on with her life with no repercussions*, I feel hurt and rejected after being treated like an old shoe that can easily be replaced. I think my friends and family that know my situation just assume I should snap my fingers and be happy to move on. I think there is gray area where I can be happy to be out of a toxic relationship, but also sad and angry about how all this went down. *They just don't want to talk about that latter half.* Anyway, that was probably a much longer intro than most people give (I tend to be long winded!) but I am hoping that I can just share how I feel on here and people can relate. The relationship ending is not necessarily a bad thing, but elements of it still hurt.


Venting is good. Ending a marriage requires you to grieve the death of your marriage. Read up on the grieving process. Yes it is a process and has well defined phases. Your goal is to reach acceptance. You have a long way to go.

The good news is that you have no doubts about divorce. So get on with your life and work through the emotional grieving process. Perhaps some individual counseling would help you pull yourself together. It is very important that you move forward. In the Book Future Shock there is a table on stress points. Divorce, the financial changes, etc. will give you sufficient stress points to almost guarantee a significant illness. You need to take charge of your life and your healing process if not for you then for your children. Start a serious exercise program as it will help you get your confidence and self respect back quickly, while keeping you healthy. I would advise you to get to a gym and do cardio and weight lifting. Sign up and do training for a couple of 5K runs or some long distance (20 to 40 mile ....or longer) group bike rides. If you want involve your kids in your exercise program by walking, jogging or bicycling with them. If they are supper young you can push them in a jogging baby stroller or put on the back or in a bike trailer while biking.

Good luck.


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## SpinyNorman

Divorce is usually a big deal. It's kind of like having a bad tooth pulled, yes you're better off having it out but it sucks for a while. But it also gets better after a while.

You sound like you have your head on straight and are doing good things. The one piece of advice I'd give you is, stop being upset that she seems happy. She's not part of your life now.


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## justaguylookingforhelp

SpinyNorman said:


> Divorce is usually a big deal. It's kind of like having a bad tooth pulled, yes you're better off having it out but it sucks for a while. But it also gets better after a while.
> 
> You sound like you have your head on straight and are doing good things. The one piece of advice I'd give you is, stop being upset that she seems happy. She's not part of your life now.


I think your advice is spot on. I think it is one of those things where intellectually I know it is better to just move on and not carry any animosity about what she is up to, but then there are moments where emotions kick in. It honestly isn't even jealousy because I think the relationship needed to end. I think it is more resentment and a feeling of rejection. Over time, I think those will dissipate because, as I said, I know they aren't helpful and don't change the situation. If anything, it holds me back from moving on. Thanks for the input.


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## SunCMars

Change is often painful.

It is destined to be.
We are self programmed into some niche.
We are programmed by outside forces.

Change disrupts that program.


Life, call it Fate, has plans for you.

Sometimes these plans are misty, or fuzzy.
Make them clear, clearly in your favor.

Study your present place, your environment, your spot in time.
The answer is out there, see it, live it.


_Lilith-_


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