# Wife needs space please help



## rkyfat (Feb 13, 2012)

Hi, first time user. My Wife of 12 years went to stay with her friend today as she needs some space to decide if she still wants to be with me. We have 2 children, one of whom is diabled and needs a lot of care. Life has been tough and taken its strain on us both caring for our son, however, we have always remained strong and had a good sex life etc. I even went for a Vasectomy last September at her request. She says its all the little things over the years that have built up and she is now starting to resent me for it. Basically I have a stressful job - long hrs etc which I have to do to support us both. This unfortunately put the burden on my Wife not only as homekeeper but main carer for my son. Weekends are almost always taken up with my son and we hav v little time together. Over the years I suppose we have got in a rut and not focussed enough on our relationship. She has now hit her brick wall and can't find a good thing to say about me and now she is at her friends. She says she loves me, can't imagine being with anyone else etc etc but she feels like I have'nt supported her enough over the years with the house etc- not the physical but emotional support of saying thanks/good job etc and just generally appreciating her efforts. This was a slap in the face - I am guilt to a certain extent and I have (without realising it) taken her for granted. She now says that although she loves me etc she feels different, does'nt want to be intimate etc. 

I am losing my mind going back over the last 12 yrs thinking what an idiot i have been for allowing myself to get pre-occupied with work etc and now blaming myself for potentially throwing 12 years of marriage away and making my wife feel like this. 

I just want to know is there any hope? is this common etc or do I need to start thinking about life without her. Any comments would be helpful. thanks


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

The bad news is, she's at her friends and she may start digging life without you. (And her friend may be encouraging her to truly leave you for good.)

The good news is, she doesn't sound like she has totally checked out of the marriage just yet-there still may be time.

But, don't totally discount this possibility: when I first saw the title to your thread, I felt the same way I always do, ie;

A wife who says she "needs space" is really saying "I've met someone..."


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

rkyfat said:


> I just want to know is there any hope? is this common etc or do I need to start thinking about life without her.


 It is not you but your disabled child. The child forces you to work extra hard so that she can stay home for the child, and then she has to work extra hard at home because of the child. It is hard for her to make friends with other stay at home moms because many will shy away from having their children play with disabled children. It is not fair, but it is what it is. Unfortunately, marriage to you is linked in your wife's mind to the issues with the child. You asked if what she is going through is normal. The answer is yes, for those with such a child. 

I do not know what to tell you. Many couples with such children either get stronger and unite behind the child, or they break up over it. Your looks like it may be breaking up over it. Your wife is just human and she is in over her head.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

So maybe just peripheral but what is the background on the friend. Assuming female and married with kids.

Where are the kids now?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

rkyfat said:


> I just want to know is there any hope? is this common etc or do I need to start thinking about life without her. Any comments would be helpful. thanks


There is a 99.99% chance your wife is in an affair or is considering it.
There is most definitely a "man of interest" in her life somewhere at the very least.
I have yet to ever hear a woman who said she "needed space" who wasn`t screwing around or thinking about it.

Tell your wife if she really "needs space" you`ll have the divorce papers drawn up immediately.

"Space" doesn`t help a relationship, it destroys it.

Find out who the man is and how far it`s gone.


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

Do you know her "friend"?

Where are the children?

Has she brought these issues to your attention before this? How did that go?

If the disabled child is wearing on your marriage, look into regularly making use of a respite program. They cost money, but it may be worth the break. During this time perhaps you can take some time off work, go on a vacation with your wife, etc... If that is truly the reason she needs her "space."

However, I don't see "space" as helping a marriage where someone apparently feels "neglected." I think she's wanting to test the waters and see if she can meet someone else, to be honest.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

There is a good chance she might be having an affair and thus your wifey is not a "good wife" "good girl" 

but who knows

only reason i think there might be an affair is the fact she wants space. I have never seen a wife who truly loves her husband ever want that much space as far as to willingly leave her home and stay with someone else. Think about it all the time women on here post stories of there husband moving out or "needing space" the cheater is always going to stay with some friend. It is very odd she is checking out of the marriage like this or attempting to.

I realize times may be stressful and hard but that is never a time for you to separate or drift apart and have feelings of resentment these times are supposed to bring you together even more. However maybe because you have not "been there" you have not noticed or been there for her. All in all its not really your fault if she is at all. You see there are certain types of people in the world those will cheat and those will not. There are two different types of people who cheat those who cheat and do not care will do it likely have done it before. And those who have never cheated but it always was an option in there mind and all they needed justification for the affair. 


You need to ask her if she is having an affair 


It is not fair at all that she gets to leave and live life without you and "decide" if she wants you. That is a joke she either does or does not there is no point in saving a marriage in which one person wants to have all the control and keep the other on the edge with mind games. Best of Luck


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

tacoma said:


> There is a 99.99% chance your wife is in an affair or is considering it.
> There is most definitely a "man of interest" in her life somewhere at the very least.
> I have yet to ever hear a woman who said she "needed space" who wasn`t screwing around or thinking about it.
> 
> ...


^ this is the truth 

i always feel bad for those in relationships who get hit with the "i need space"

its BS 9/10

it always is and its not right that the betrayed sits around and blames themselves. The good news is if this is an affair you will move past it and move on and meet someone who is a good honest person and is a true loving person who wont cheat on you. Trust me usually the betrayed are rewarded and those who betray go farther down in life.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Just take a minute to do your own investigation and quitely look into her cell phone statements, check her social websites, and find out what the red flags are for cheating. Don't ask her , but just take the time to do your own research and make sure your wife is not seeing another man. I also suggest you look at her friend. It could be a toxic friendship, which could lead to her finding someone else while you are home and she is out. 

This friend could have a negitive influence on the marriage, especially if friend is recently divorced, single, much younger, a party girl....

In my opinion friendships can be supportive for the marraige, but they also can have a very damaging effect on the dynamics, so please confirm that this friend or anyone else is not effecting the health of the marriage.

This is so important, b/c when there is this unhealthy influence the marraige his toast until the influence is removed, and a strong focus is made on the marriage and the effort the both of you put into it as individuals.

As an individual you had your part in an unhealthy marriage, but if your wife has another inluence that isn't directed to repairing her marriage...well then she is directing her energy elsewhere and sorry to say her marriage will continue to deterorate, and you can not control this, it is all on her and when this influence is completely out of her life then she can work on her marriage as an induvidual.

Again there may not be any influence at all and she may be distancing her self on her own, but the odds are against you.


It is very odd the one want to distance them selve, when distance was the propblem in the first place!


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Unforgiveness is a piece of work. I have experienced it first hand. My wife needed lots of space at the beginning. Do your research. Make sure there is not a third party OM. If not, give her 1 month to come home. Then, lay down the gauntlet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You might need to do lots of adjusting to get a boring, same old, same old, mge., spiced up----BUT------you also might ask your wife, IF SHE F*ing, enjoyed the roof, over head, the food she eats,, the car she drives, the medical insurance she has, and all the things she F*ing gets to do---CUZ YOU WORK YOUR A*s off, OR DOES SHE JUST THINK MONEY GROWS ON TREES.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

jnj express said:


> You might need to do lots of adjusting to get a boring, same old, same old, mge., spiced up----BUT------you also might ask your wife, IF SHE F*ing, enjoyed the roof, over head, the food she eats,, the car she drives, the medical insurance she has, and all the things she F*ing gets to do---CUZ YOU WORK YOUR A*s off, OR DOES SHE JUST THINK MONEY GROWS ON TREES.


You're busting your ass working a stressful job and long hours to provide for her and your disabled child and this is the thanks you get.

Is her friend toxic? Does she go on GNOs (Girls Night Outs)? Does she guard her phone? I assume the sex is non existent by now. Is she on the computer all the time? Check for these red flags.


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## rkyfat (Feb 13, 2012)

Hi all,

Thanks for all your replies. Regarding the friend it is a girl who my Wife has know for years but who has also been a good mutual friend for the most part. She has in the past been a huge support to my Wife.

Interesting about the affair as my paranoia has been at an all time high lately and I certainly have not discounted that out and yes I have noticed unusual mobile activity and confronted her about it. She is adamant she is not seeing anyone else - but then she would say that - I raised it a number of times this last week and she had ample opportunity to tell me to mke it easier on all of us. Yet she insists she needs the thinking time. 

She has password protected her phone a few weeks back when we arranged a surprise partyfor our eldests bday. She has not taken the password back off but she only but it on after he read her texts and saw one from one ofhis mates about the arrangements that nearly blew the surprise. This still makes me suspcious. 

Re mobile numbers I have checked through mobile phone statement and there is one recurring number. I tried ringing it but orange answerphone says no. not recognised. Is there anyway I can find out who's this number is?

Re facebook etc she is not that secretive and actually leaves it logged on occasionally. I checked her messages and nothing unusual - although she wld delete anything suspicious as shes certainly not stupid.

Anyway - how do i check for other email accounts etc and can I get access to them. I would rather know she is having an affair and at least it would put me out of my misery and enable me to move on. Just feels like limbo at the moment.

Re the kids they are with me at the moment but she is only going to be with her friend a few days - she txt last night and said a couple of nights. I have not checked whether she is actually at her friends though - should I do that?

and yes I have worked my ass off to provide the good things and feel like this a kick in the b%%S. 

Anymore suggestions would be most welcome and thanks again for the support


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Manly steps you probably need to take right away:

1. Confirm that she's indeed staying at the friend's place
2. Send her a very firm email giving her a 3 day deadline to return home or else you will file for divorce
3. On the 3rd day, if she's not home, cut her access to any money in the shared accounts. Do not give her a dime
4. Pack up all her crap in boxes and bring them to the front door.
5. Give her 24 hours to pick up her stuff via another email/text
6. Change the locks of the house
7. File for divorce

None of the stuff I listed above will go as smoothly as you may think, but if you keep your cool and don't get angry on this journey, you will have the upper hand with a rewarding sense of control over your own situation.

Don't get me wrong. I don't condone divorce, but then again, a cheating wife who leaves to stay with friends to have "space" is by no means a wife anymore.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

rkyfat said:


> Hi all,
> 
> Thanks for all your replies. Regarding the friend it is a girl who my Wife has know for years but who has also been a good mutual friend for the most part. She has in the past been a huge support to my Wife.


There really is no such thing as a mutual friend, she's either closer/loyal to your wife or you. Is she a friend of the marriage? There's so many instances where one spouse thought the so-called friend was a friend of the marriage, but was demonizing the spouse behind their back. Does she regularly go on Girls Night Out to bars/dance clubs without the husband? 



rkyfat said:


> Interesting about the affair as my paranoia has been at an all time high lately and I certainly have not discounted that out and yes I have noticed unusual mobile activity and confronted her about it. She is adamant she is not seeing anyone else - but then she would say that - I raised it a number of times this last week and she had ample opportunity to tell me to mke it easier on all of us. Yet she insists she needs the thinking time.


Texting all the time is not a red flag in and of itself, however this has to be taken in context with other behavior. If she's having an affair, she wouldn't admit it to you, not without proof. Many cheaters can swear on their lives, their childrens lives, or even on the bible that they're not cheating. My own wife swore God was her witness that there wasn't anyone else. 



rkyfat said:


> She has password protected her phone a few weeks back when we arranged a surprise partyfor our eldests bday. She has not taken the password back off but she only but it on after he read her texts and saw one from one ofhis mates about the arrangements that nearly blew the surprise. This still makes me suspcious.


Possible red flag. She had a legitimate reason to password protect the phone for that occasion. I suggest you ask her to remove it and see her reaction.



rkyfat said:


> Re mobile numbers I have checked through mobile phone statement and *there is one recurring number*. I tried ringing it but orange answerphone says no. not recognised. Is there anyway I can find out who's this number is?


Possible red flag. Could be her close friend, or it could be the OM. Try reversephonedetective.com. Or if you get the chance, call the number from HER phone. If it is an OM, he sure as hell wont answer it if he sees the incoming number is your phone. I've tried that myself, and OM never answered because I was calling from my phone.



rkyfat said:


> Re facebook etc she is not that secretive and actually leaves it logged on occasionally. I checked her messages and nothing unusual - although she wld delete anything suspicious as shes certainly not stupid.


Another possible red flag. I don't want to make you paranoid, but I thought everything was fine until I discovered that my wife had a secret facebook account. 



rkyfat said:


> Anyway - how do i check for other email accounts etc and can I get access to them. I would rather know she is having an affair and at least it would put me out of my misery and enable me to move on. Just feels like limbo at the moment.


The only way is to install computer monitoring software, like a keylogger. This will enable you to discover if she has any secret email/social networking accounts.



rkyfat said:


> Re the kids they are with me at the moment but she is only going to be with her friend a few days - she txt last night and said a couple of nights. I have not checked whether she is actually at her friends though - should I do that?


With all the possible red flags, you might want to do that, if for no other reason than your peace of mind.



rkyfat said:


> and yes I have worked my ass off to provide the good things and feel like this a kick in the b%%S.


You see this all the time. They want to complain about you not being there, or the lack of attention, but they have NO complaints about getting your paycheck or the money you bring it. Money doesn't grow on trees. And you have to work especially hard because you have a disabled child.

As suspicious as I am, I'm not quite ready to throw the affair flag out. However, there is cause to do some further investigation. If you find nothing, then fine.


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## rkyfat (Feb 13, 2012)

Again thanks for all this - wow what an eye opener! 

I have checked and believe she is at her friends. I drove around in the early hrs to check the car was parked there and text her friend this morning just to check that my Wife was ok. 

Her friend replied and said they have gone out walking to clear heads etc and that she is in good hands and just a bit of space needed. 

Re her friend I don't beleive she is the sort to put my Wife against me. Whilst she is obviously closer to my Wife I do know here well enough and she does think I am a good guy - I have had many long conversations with her about home etc and she has acted almost as an intermediary in the past. However, if an affair was the reason I don't think she would tell me though so again - nothings clear cut.

My Wife does not drink or go out very often so as far as late night parties etc go that is a no. When she does go out she has a couple of close friends she goes for a meal with but she is always home at a reasonable hour and drives. She goes out once every couple of months with them.

In context our home circs are very difficult (more than anyone can imagine until they have been there) and my Wife had to give up a well paid job etc to care for our son - something she never quite got over! We have always pulled together and been strong but recently we had to change my sons school due to allegations of abuse by one of the teachers. We have fought to get him moved etc etc and eventually succeeded but its not been easy. I do think it is years worth of 24hr care that has caused her to flip - but again I am well aware that it is exactly that sort of pressure and the apparent lack of support from hubby that can make someone look elsewhere!

I don't yet want to beleive it as an affair as the one thing that I always come back to is the fact that a) she never goes out, b) the only chance she would have is the day time - and unless the guy works shifts or is unemployed then I don't know how this could work c) my other son is around a lot in the day (hes at College!) d) I can't think of anyone she would have an affair with - she has no work colleagues etc and pretty limited social life! All her male friends are my friends (all married) and other married couples who are mutual friends.

I will do some more investigating to try and put my mind at ease put there is this niggling doubt and I have always trusted my instincts and never usually been wrong - thats what worries me!!!

Again many thanks for the advice and please keep it coming - I am v naive with stuff like this and your comments/advice are realling helping me discover that I was perhaps too trusting!


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## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

Hello, 

It is quite likely that your situation can be improved. 

The first step is understanding. 

- your natural focus as a man is outside the house and you derive a sense of fulfillment by being able to provide for your family. That is why you feel unappreciated for your hard work when she left.

- your wife's natural focus is inside the house and she derives a sense of fulfillment by the strength and quality of her relationships, the one with you being chief among them. That is why she left.

This natural difference in focus is one of the most common sources of challenges in relationships. Indeed without proper training in supporting each other emotionally it is not surprising that you and many other couples have such challenges.

To improve the situation you must become informed and well practiced in the skills of supporting your wife emotionally. This support includes the habit of appreciation. Just like you would like to be appreciated and admired by her for your hard work bringing in the money so would she like to be appreciated for keeping the house, cooking the lovely meals and taking care of the children. 

Please be warned that just understanding what you need to do to be supportive it is not enough by itself. You must spend the time and energy developing the habits that will sustain this positive change over the long term. It is very similar with going to the gym. It requires diligent practice over time.

That said here follows a synopsis on what emotional support most women desire side by side with the man's version. They are generalizations and may not apply to you so please take from it what you want: 

*Man Supportive*

Be proficient in supporting your partner emotionally. Generally this equates to showing love to the woman. We can categorize the emotional support a woman needs into 6. 
Caring – you are concerned with her well being, you protect and provide for her
Understanding – you understand her emotions and allow her to express them
Respect – you respect her way of doing things even though it may not be familiar to you. You especially respect her intuition. 
Devotion- you are devoted to loving her and are generous at that 
Validation – you validate her emotions giving her the right to feel negative and positive emotions at any point in time and express them to you to receive the validation she needs
Reassurance – during negative emotion cycles a woman will usually feel unsure of herself or your feelings for her and it is then that she most needs the assurance and stability you provide 


*Woman Supportive*

Be proficient in supporting your partner emotionally. Generally this equates to showing respect to the man. We can categorize the emotional support a man needs into 6. 
Trust –You trust his skills in dealing with his problems. You respect and trust his judgment and his abilities.
Acceptance - he needs to feel that he pleases you. He needs to feel you accept and appreciate him for who he is and not trying to change and improve him. 
Appreciation – he would like to feel that you are grateful for the love and respect he shows you, that you are grateful for his providing for you and not that routine daily activities are no longer worthy of appreciation.
Admiration – you admire his victories and his displays of skill 
Approval - you approve of him as a person and of his behavior. 
Encouragement – you encourage him in a positive way to grow and evolve in skill and status, especially when he experiences setbacks

Now on the topic of getting her back I suggest an affectionate message along the lines of: 

"I realize how the lack of appreciation over time drove you away. I have learned that this is a critical skill in building a long term relationship and while I certainly do love you deeply I must develop the habit of showing it. You have every right yo be hurt and receive support from me, to be appreciated for each lovely meal you cook and each time you clean the house and each time you take care of our son (here you want to insert 2 or 3 specific times that she did so and appreciate her for it - this is because generally you want to appreciate specific situations rather than generalize as that is far more powerful a message). While I need to learn to better support you emotionally we can take steps together as I would like to be appreciated for the hard work I do at my job to support the family."


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## rkyfat (Feb 13, 2012)

Thanks for this. However, circs have somewhat changed and think I have just blown it out of the water. I managed to find some older mobile phone statements and found a number of texts (more than a number) to a husband of a mutual friend. 

I have also just found out that he walked out on his wife this weekend!!

I have just sent a text along the lines of wanting to know the truth!


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

rkyfat said:


> Thanks for this. However, circs have somewhat changed and think I have just blown it out of the water. I managed to find some older mobile phone statements and found a number of texts (more than a number) to a husband of a mutual friend.
> 
> I have also just found out that he walked out on his wife this weekend!!
> 
> I have just sent a text along the lines of wanting to know the truth!


Uh ohh, Dont give up your source of info (how you know) dont tell her you want the truth, tell her you all ready know the truth! and watch her reaction,...read on TAM, there are others that will advise you on to handle this, if it is an affair.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

rkyfat said:


> I even went for a Vasectomy last September at her request.


I'm guessing this is because she felt like your sex life wasn't satisfactory. Has it improved?

Also, you posted at 5:00 last night that she moved out and needed help. Good work finding all of this evidence by 8:00 this morning. You couldn't have SCRIPTED a better job at snooping and discovering. Good work. Stay vigilant.

Good luck to you.


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## rkyfat (Feb 13, 2012)

Okay - this is now turning into a live update. She has just replied to the text saying yes, she has been textin and that they have provided emotional support for each other. She says she understands I am reachin for answers to her being away but is adamant that the texts to each other have been her tryin to sort his head out re their marriage problems. i.e trying to solve their problems but it also made her look at our relationship. I know the guy and thought he was a good guy but we never talk about relationship stuff - just beers and a laugh usually.

They were friends at College many years ago so she is naturally closer to him than his Wife. I already knew this but as I say for the last x years we have been mutual friends... but have I been a mug?

She still insists she is coming back tomorrow to talk and that she thanked me for the space I have given her to think (and get a break from our sone). She ended the text by saying only we know the answers to our problems and she has no problem me checking up on her and that she wld do the same if the tables were turned. 

I have not replied yet as I cld do with some more advice before I get back as I don't know what to believe or think anymore. Its like mental torture and don't know if I am being overly paranoid, doing the right thing or what! 

Please keep the messages coming - they are helping get me through all this.


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## rkyfat (Feb 13, 2012)

Thanks MrK - I do work quick when I have to!

Re the sex life it has always been great on both parts. We had a very open sex life and without going into too much detail we always tried new things to spice it up so I am not worried that the sex life was an issue. It had dried up this last month but that is when she has started to lose her grip a bit - I just never realised to what extent.

I honestly don't think she wld turn elsewhere for just sex but I had not though about looking elsewhere emotionally! and of course relationships/affairs often start emotionally before they move onto the sexual side!!!

thanks again


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

rkyfat said:


> Okay - this is now turning into a live update. She has just replied to the text saying yes, she has been textin and that they have provided emotional support for each other. She says she understands I am reachin for answers to her being away but is adamant that the texts to each other have been her tryin to sort his head out re their marriage problems. i.e trying to solve their problems but it also made her look at our relationship. I know the guy and thought he was a good guy but we never talk about relationship stuff - just beers and a laugh usually.
> 
> They were friends at College many years ago so she is naturally closer to him than his Wife. I already knew this but as I say for the last x years we have been mutual friends... but have I been a mug?
> 
> ...


Don't be quick to reply. She needs to know you are suspicious of her now. Dig as hard as you can. Cal the other mans wife an tell her whats going on and if she has any info. You really don't need to be talking texting unless its in person where you can see her body language.

No crying begging pleading is your number one priority. Shes taken a hike, it doesn't hurt for her to think she is damaging your relationship. Stay cool to her. That doesn't mean forever since you have not been showing her the affection she needs/craves.


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## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

Please keep in mind that when dealing with human behavior most assessments are inexact. As such we deal with probabilities.

In your case I strongly suggest you make an effort to keep your head and keep cool. Having a calm confident attitude will be optimal in dealing with this situation. Whatever it is you can handle it. Giving in to paranoia or getting overly upset will be a sign of weakness and as an emotional response she will loose some attraction. 

The issue is serious and it needs to be treated as such. I suggest that you be concerned not paranoid, you address the issue rather than explode. 

You may want to give her the benefit of the doubt and also document yourself on simple non intrusive ways to detect deception. I read a good material on it a while back called "How to never be lied to". 

In closing please keep in mind that the more likely possibility is that she is honest.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Emotional Affair Signs Checklist
•The ‘cheater’ keeps their ‘friendship’ secret from their partner.
•They therefore don’t share or talk about calls, texts, etc. that they receive from their friend, with their partners.
•They do all they can to hide those calls and text messages.
•When confronted by a partner, they deny any wrongdoing and may accuse their partner of being silly, of looking for something that doesn’t exist.
•They can even become aggressive when being quizzed about their friendship.
•Their responses are often centered around things like “he’s/she’s just a friend,” “he’s/she’s a good listener,” “it’s only about work,” etc.
•The cheater looks to spend more and more time out of the house with their friend.
•The cheater actually looks forward to spending time with their friend rather than with their spouse or partner.
•They tell their friend things that they don’t even share with their spouse / partner.
•Cheaters spend less time having meaningful conversations with their spouse.
•They are less interested in sex with their spouse or partner.
•They can sometimes behave in ways with their friend that they would never have done with their spouse or partner.
•They conjure up reasons to give their friends gifts.
•Cheaters can suddenly become more critical of their spouse or partner, e.g., the way they dress, the way they look, etc.

If you are the one being cheated, you may or may not recognize all or some of these emotional affair signs. And if you are the one who has a special ‘friend,’ you might want to digest the list above to see if your friendship has developed into an emotional affair, perhaps without your knowing?

Whichever is the case, emotional affair signs need to be addressed at once, by both the innocent spouse / partner and the cheater. Failure to recognize the signs early on, and address them correctly, can leave a marriage or committed relationship in tatters.

But there are correct and incorrect ways to tackle the affair. Taking the correct actions now, in the correct sequence can help to rescue a marriage or relationship. Blundering in without knowing the correct steps and techniques can help to hasten its destruction.

As well as discussing emotional affair signs, Dr. Frank Gunzburg’s report ‘How to Survive an Affair’ takes you by the hand, and step-by-careful-step, shows you just how to get over an emotional affair and save your marriage. If you wish to, you can download it here


Read more: http://www.emotionalaffairsite.com/...motional-affair-signs-checklist#ixzz1mMZsRl92


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## rkyfat (Feb 13, 2012)

FreedomCorp,

Thanks for this - you ar providing some balance to the situation and your advice re a cool head is invaluable!

I do want to give her the benefit of the doubt - just finding it hard to! 

Chapparal,

Thanks for this list and advice also. Re the list probably only a couple really apply 

"They therefore don’t share or talk about calls, texts, etc. that they receive from their friend, with their partners"; and

"Cheaters can suddenly become more critical of their spouse or partner, e.g., the way they dress, the way they look, etc" 

However, she has never been critical about the I look - just the emotional support I have given her!

As far as me I suppose I am guilt of texts and conversations with female friends that I havent shared. Nothing serious though and certainly nothing I wld be scared of my Wife seeing. Just get so many texts etc etc that I would not talk about them all!

Thanks again

Mrk

Forgot to say - vasectomy was in response that we wanted to forget about contraception. Pill has always made her feel a bit off and she wanted to stop taking it and we never liked condoms. She just wanted the freedom (me as well!) and we certainly did not want to run the risk of an unexpected pregnancy!!

Cheers


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

call the OM's wife today as she might have info that you don't and if she doesn't then at least she will now know why he walked out


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

I would NOT call the OM's wife just yet... you still have no clear cut evidence that your wife is involved with this guy and so if you're wrong you could end up doing a world of unrepairable damage to your relationship. You will lose your wife's trust and you will lose all power in your relationship if you are wrong. DO NOT RISK IT... yet.

The time to reach out to the OM's wife is if and when you have confirmation they are in fact involved with each other, because without that confirmation your are still simply speculating and therefore don't have a leg to stand on yet.

Get your evidence, get confirmation, then confront all who need to be confronted.


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## jkyoung1013 (Feb 14, 2012)

Is happening to me. My first reaction was the same as all of yours, she's having an affair, she's checked out...etc. I talked to a friend of mine, who is a professional relationship coach, and she said something to me that made me realize my part is the issues my wife and I are having. "If someone is telling you something or conveying a feeling, regardless how real it is, or how wrong their interpetation is, they are real to the person." Long story short, I started to look into myself and realized that my wife had been coming to me for some time about concerns she had and I would respond in a very inhumane way. I would say something like 'this is a big deal, we have people around us who are (whatever the last stupid thing a friend did) and you think me a bad guy/husband for not taking out the trash (or whatever her complaint was).' The problem with that is it completely discounted my wife's feelings and her self worth by me telling her I am the best she is going to get. Look deep inside yourself and see if your wife has been communicating her feelings to you and you've been too busy, or weren't listening. Look at how your reactions to her communicating an issue she is having to you. If your friend were to tell you her boyfriend/husband came off on her the way you do, what would you tell her. I was a jerk (for lack of a better word) and am working to improve myself hoping I am not too late to save my marriage. Don't let ego get in the way of you getting what you want, whatever that is. If you want your wife back, talk to her, LISTEN to her and find out why she needed space.


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## rkyfat (Feb 13, 2012)

jkyoung1013,

You are spot on and clearly we are both in the same boat! You are right in that she had been telling me fore some time and I was too busy too listen. Whilst I don't agree with all she said yoru comments re the feelings are real to her make perfect sense. 

I have been taking a good look at myself this last day or so since she went and already realise that I had'nt paid her enough attention, have'nt listened enough to what she has been saying and generally been too pre-occupied in my own world. In short all my spare time was devoted to my son and I my wife was there in the background. That's not to say I think she is completely innocent. Just that she does have a point.

The comments re man supportive are very useful and have highlighted a number of areas where I have gone wrong.

The big question is, is the damage beyond repair. She says she still loves me (an always will) but feels like initimacy went (apart from the sex) some time ago (cuddles outside sex, handholding, dating etc etc) and it makes her feel bitter towards me. Almost like she has been used - stuck in the home while I further my career but not giving her the appreciation of what she does in the home. This in turn has led her feelings raw towards me and although the love is there it is difficult for her to get over the anger and get the intimacy back.

For example at work I get a pat on the back/promotion/pay increase for doing a good job, I always tell my staff if they are doing a good job and I appreciate the hours they put in. In hindsight I never extended this to my Wife.

She is coming back tomorrow to talk and until then I am helpless - but like waiting to be hanged!!! I do not know if this is her way of punishing me, if she is going to come back and agree to give it a go, or if she is coming back to say thats it, one of us needs to leave. I don't think she would leave the kids so I am guessing it would be me who would have to go.

It is the waiting that is almost as unbearable as the thought of being without her. 

But getting jobs done to keep myself busy until d-day!

Many thanks for taking the time to respond and it does seem like our situations are similar. 

Is she back with you by the way or still apart?


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## jkyoung1013 (Feb 14, 2012)

Juat take it day by day. And every idiom you can think of applies; give it time, actions speak louder than words...you could go on and on. Just remember she is looking for validation and while appeciating her as you do your employees is good, keep in mind she is your wife, your partner and best friend. Appreciate her in those ways. You will do fine just stay cool and listen to her. Put yourself in her shows and show her you understand what she is feeling and want to do better for her. My wife just conveyed she is overwhelmed at home with our special jeeds children and my long hours. I offered to look into sending out the laundry or a lawn service to free us up to help each other out more. Just listen, understand and ask where she wants to go from here.

You are spot on and clearly we are both in the same boat! You are right in that she had been telling me fore some time and I was too busy too listen. Whilst I don't agree with all she said yoru comments re the feelings are real to her make perfect sense. 

I have been taking a good look at myself this last day or so since she went and already realise that I had'nt paid her enough attention, have'nt listened enough to what she has been saying and generally been too pre-occupied in my own world. In short all my spare time was devoted to my son and I my wife was there in the background. That's not to say I think she is completely innocent. Just that she does have a point.

The comments re man supportive are very useful and have highlighted a number of areas where I have gone wrong.

The big question is, is the damage beyond repair. She says she still loves me (an always will) but feels like initimacy went (apart from the sex) some time ago (cuddles outside sex, handholding, dating etc etc) and it makes her feel bitter towards me. Almost like she has been used - stuck in the home while I further my career but not giving her the appreciation of what she does in the home. This in turn has led her feelings raw towards me and although the love is there it is difficult for her to get over the anger and get the intimacy back.

For example at work I get a pat on the back/promotion/pay increase for doing a good job, I always tell my staff if they are doing a good job and I appreciate the hours they put in. In hindsight I never extended this to my Wife.

She is coming back tomorrow to talk and until then I am helpless - but like waiting to be hanged!!! I do not know if this is her way of punishing me, if she is going to come back and agree to give it a go, or if she is coming back to say thats it, one of us needs to leave. I don't think she would leave the kids so I am guessing it would be me who would have to go.

It is the waiting that is almost as unbearable as the thought of being without her. 

But getting jobs done to keep myself busy until d-day!

Many thanks for taking the time to respond and it does seem like our situations are similar. 

Is she back with you by the way or still apart?[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rkyfat (Feb 13, 2012)

thanks again jkyoung1013. You too have special needs children! I am so glad someone responded who can relate to these circumstances. 

Your comments are giving me some glimmer of hope in all this and for now I will hang onto that and follow your advice.

Please let me know how you are getting on. I will post an update at some point tomorrow.

Thanks again


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Affair red flags:

Stopped having sex 1 month ago
Increased phone usage to one number of another man(mutual friend)
Password protected phone
Mutual friend leaves home 
Wife leaves home at the same time
Texting is for "emotional support"
Leaves family, husband and children over Valentines Day
OP says she fits two categories on EA list
My count on EA list looks more like 1,2,3,4,6,9,10,11,14


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

F-102 made a great post about how these things progress:


Quote:
Originally Posted by F-102 
It may have gone something like this:

They first start catching up, and it's all "How you been doing? What have you been up to?"

Then it would have morphed into talk about:

What they've been doing since they parted
Their significant others since they parted
Their families
Their favorite music, movies, etc.
Their spouses
You
Your job
How your job keeps you away
How lonely she gets when you're away
How she looks forward to their conversations all the time now
How she loves talking to him
How she gets "bored" talking to you
How you don't always listen
How you're not "perfect"
How you can be so insensitive sometimes
How she wonders if she would have stayed with him
How he understands her
How he knows how to make her feel good
How you fail at this
How you are such an a**hole
How she feels young again
How she hasn't felt this happy with you in so long
How he's a better man than you'll ever be
How she wants to see him again
How they can meet under the radar
How she's thought of leaving you
How she ever could have fallen for a jerk like you
How he's her soul mate
How she made a big mistake leaving him
How she made an even bigger mistake marrying you
How they were meant to be together...

...get the picture?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> I honestly don't think she wld turn elsewhere for just sex but I had not though about looking elsewhere emotionally! and of course relationships/affairs often start emotionally before they move onto the sexual side!!!


You didn't think she would seek emotional support from another man behind your back either, but she did.

How long are you going to continue deluding yourself?

The OM is going to take your wife from you if you keep up this nonchalant, nice guy approach to this situation.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You REALLY need to talk to the OMs wife before you talk to your wife and get her take on their problems. Does she suspect an affair? How long havethey been having problems?


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## jkyoung1013 (Feb 14, 2012)

Well here we are in day 18 of my separation. I have been reading The Love Dare and picked up a couple other books my therapist recommended: How to improve your marriage without talking & The 5 languages of love. The love dare I am on day 5 of 40 and a lot of it is retraining how you relate to your partner. It has given me some good balance to help cope, doesn't make it easier but it does help me "schedule" my emotions for a more convenient time (i.e. not at work). Two days ago wife was very open with me and we were talking and communicating nicely, however, I fear I may have set us back. I took the advice of a few sources that she was reaching out to me and looking for a big gesture. Long story short I tried to kiss her, and as soon as she realized and responded with a stern "no" I backed away slowly realizing my error. Its tough to know how to act around her, it upsets her when I am obviously holding back like a few days ago we were looking at mail and I would normally put my hand on her shoulder or back and fearing that it would be too intimate I put my hands behind my back instead. Then if I don't keep myself in check, i.e. kissed her on the cheek while hugging her playfully last week, I am pushing. We talked about it when she asked me what was wrong once and she told me not to act a certain way around her, but to be myself. Well myself pushes her away and that's not what I want. 

She says if we are to get back together it will happen naturally but I don't see how it can happen naturally when the separation was not mutual. While a good part of this is my fault or failure and I accepted my role in this, she has been reconciling this in her head for some time while the rug was pulled out from under me two and a half weeks ago. I am still obviously pining for her affections (inside now, I keep myself in check around her) and if she wants my affection she doesn't show or accept it. Its like she has turned back the clock to when we were dating, but I don't know if I can do that. I wouldn't mind taking her out and walking her to the door perhaps play the "do we kiss goodnight" dance, but I don't know that I can do the whole thing. 

My back is starting to hurt from sleeping on the couch. She told me I could sleep in the boys' room, but then I would be taking a bed away from one of them and I don't want to displace any of the kids as it will lead to questions that I am not ready to answer. 

This is the toughest thing I have had to go through. I love her, she is my soulmate and I want to grow old with her, laugh at each other's bad jokes, clean up each other's messes, help her find her glasses when they fall off her night stand, rub her back when she hurts, watch her squint her eyes when she is trying to figure me out, rub her feet, hold her close at night, go on vacations with her, make love with her again, watch the lame musicals she likes and the other lame reality shows she likes. I would do all that if she would just let me in. 

She has said she is impressed with the changes I have made, but feels reluctant to let me back in until I prove the changes are long term. There has been no physical abuse, infidelity per se (I used to play in chat rooms, but stopped that and even closed my account). The main issue we have is when she would ask me for help or to talk about something I would respond in a way that devalued her feelings and her self worth & she feels I have anger management issues; which is far worse in my opinion. 

I miss her so much and just want to be near her. Valentine's day was hard, my birthday is coming up, our oldest's birthday, then the day we met, our daughter's birthday, her birthday, our son's birthday, wedding anniversary then the holiday season all over again. I would not wish this on anyone and I wish she would just let me in, even if it were just for dinner, or a movie or a night of bowling, whatever. Hope everyone else is doing well, thanks for letting me get this off my chest.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Just wondering. What changes has SHE made in order to save your relationship? If it's all on you, you clearly are the only one trying.
Been there and it didn't work.


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## jkyoung1013 (Feb 14, 2012)

She said she needs time to figure out what she wants. She is not making any changes that I can tell. She is more standoffish towards me, and given how I've treated her can you blame her? She doesn't want to work on the marriage, she wants independence and time to figure out what she wants. She admits that my not be me as her husband. Her text messages on her phone have increased from 3k/month about 3-4 months ago to 5k last month to 13k this recent month. When I confronted her about this she said I have no right looking at her phone longs as of 2 1/2 weeks ago (the start of the separation) and even went as far as to change the password on the online login. I asked how long ago would it have been soon enough for me to realize what I was doing to hurt her, she referenced a moment 6-7 months ago when we took a shower together (I don't remember any of this unfortunately) and she reached out and I promised to be a better man. I asked her if she was sure she didn't dream this because I can't remember the last time we shared a shower together. That really upset her, so much so that she ended the phone conversation we were having accusing me of turning a situation around on her. Maybe she's right, I don't know.

She thinks I am only changing to win her back, and maybe that's true, but does it matter the motive as long as the intent is there? She doesn't want to work on it together she wants to work on it individually. The tough part of that is she has always been there for me and I showed her that I could or would not be there for her. She said today that she hasn't completely checked out but she is close and if I keep pushing she will be forced to make a decision. 

We are living in the same house still for the kids and its tough, but I don't want to be without my kids or bare the cost of another residence until we know this is long term. She said put 6 months in my head if I need a number. It may seem long, but it is worth the wait for her. She is an amazing woman and I am truly blessed to have known her, I just hope it doesn't end due to my lack of listening to her cries for help.

If we do get a divorce, I fear it is going to be messy. She is used to a lifestyle that is above what she makes (I make twice what she does) and she will not want to contribute to any of the debts we have incurred that are in my name, which most of them are. However, to be fair, I make that money because she took care of the house while I went back to school and got my degree. The law may not think so but I feel she is entitled to something. 

Regardless, I need to find the strength to go on. It is tough because I have always found the strength I was missing in her and our marriage. I have attempted to reconnect with religion and it is helping, I just hope its enough to get me through.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to tslk to a lawyer and find out your options and hers.

She's in an escalating affair and your still thinking the path out is to find ways to more accommodating and nice. She unfortunately won't play fair, she will simple eat more cake.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

HAve you talked to the OMW? You may be missing out on some valuable information that will answer alot of questions.

Hire a PI and be done with this uncertainty you have about if its you or if its her. If there is another man, she will be checked out until she ends all contact with him and then you will have to readdress to your approach in saving this marriage.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

jkyoung1013 said:


> My back is starting to hurt from sleeping on the couch.


 Your back is not starting to hurt from sleeping on the couch. It is hurting because you are bending over so much kissing her ars. She has lost all respect for you and what you are doing will not get that respect back.

The phone logs tell you that she is involved with someone else. Her response that as of the separation you have no right to ask her about the logs tells you that she feels separation means that she can date. You groveling as she dates give you no chance to win.

Time to man up. You must be willing to walk away from the marraige if you are to have any chance to save it. Tell her that it takes two to save a marraige and that if she is not willing to commit to the marraige and work with you on saving the it, then there is nothing that you can do and the marraige is over. You must be willing to move for a divorce quickly and do the 180. Right now you are letting her cake eat. You pay the bills and she gets to date. That arraignment must end. This is it. Now is the best time to take decisive action. 

Talk to a lawyer immediately to learn your rights. Do not play nice as she will use that against you in the end.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

The Eagles - Already Gone Live 1974 - YouTube

jkyoung1013, don't want to alarm you, but I think your wife is already singing THIS song.
Time to look out for YOURSELF.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Who's the OM JK?


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## jkyoung1013 (Feb 14, 2012)

There are two people she texts with excessively. To put numbers to it, the last 500 texts - 30 were me, 207 were the OM (Detailed below), 178 were to her best friend from her hometown and a few misc others she works with.

The OM is a serviceman that is stationed in California. Wife claims he was her first love from her teenage years, but they never dated. He has a kid and my wife claims he is a player. I texted him one night asking him to ask her to talk to me. I don't believe he is up to anything because of his response and the fact that wife hasn't confronted me about contacting him, which leads me to believe that he didn't tell her. I have decided that I will treat her no different than the female roommates I had in college. Barely friends, I will respond whens he talks to me with short/simple answers, ask her questions about the kids and that's it. The OM's response to my text message was:

"To tell you the truth, it always seemed good between both of you. Even though there's issues like many relationships, she never gave me the impression she'll ever do anything to cause you guys to leave each other, separate, or anything drastic. I've told her in the past, as I've told many couples, communication is key. If couples communicate and abide by what they agree on, which may take some understanding things usually work out. however, communication can't come late; if done early, it can't be insignificant for one partner to go back to his or her way. I'm not saying this specific toher or you, but as important attribute to a great relationships in addition to showing respect, concern, affection. Talk to her. 

There was no need to tell me to text her and tell her to speak to you. I would have every intent in helping a relationship out when found I can assist someone such as you or your wife. I goes unsaid. I wish you the very best. goodnight."


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Alright, I'm throwing the EA flag now, in light of the fact she claims this guy is her first love from her teenage years. He's officially the OM now. If your WW claims he's a player, then he's probably good at being a good bullsh!tter, as evidenced by his email to you. Now, he may or may not be interested in your wife, that is yet to be determined. What is clear is that your WW is interested in him proven by her keeping her communication and contact with him a secret from you, telling him all about your marital problems instead of discussing them with you, in other words, investing her emotional energy on him instead of you and your marriage. She's falling for him. 

She's been staying at her friends house right? That means you have NO IDEA how much they are really communicating now. I assume her friend has a landline and computer available at her house for your WW to use? Think about it. The two most common tools cheaters use is the secret email account and the secret affair phone. 

I fear you've only seen the tip of the iceberg. There's more to this EA than you know about. This now clearly explains the "I need space" thing and the separation. *13,000 text messages a month?* How does she even find time to take care of your disabled child? Thats 433 per day! This is a full on EA, no doubt about it now and clearly explains her behavior. Time to have your thread moved to the Coping With Infidelity forum.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Wow,

Get on the 180 RIGHT NOW. Why are you on the couch! Get back in your bed. If she doesn't like it, She can move out. Grow some [email protected]


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## jkyoung1013 (Feb 14, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Alright, I'm throwing the EA flag now, in light of the fact she claims this guy is her first love from her teenage years. He's officially the OM now. If your WW claims he's a player, then he's probably good at being a good bullsh!tter, as evidenced by his email to you. Now, he may or may not be interested in your wife, that is yet to be determined. What is clear is that your WW is interested in him proven by her keeping her communication and contact with him a secret from you, telling him all about your marital problems instead of discussing them with you, in other words, investing her emotional energy on him instead of you and your marriage. She's falling for him.
> 
> She's been staying at her friends house right? That means you have NO IDEA how much they are really communicating now. I assume her friend has a landline and computer available at her house for your WW to use? Think about it. The two most common tools cheaters use is the secret email account and the secret affair phone.
> 
> I fear you've only seen the tip of the iceberg. There's more to this EA than you know about. This now clearly explains the "I need space" thing and the separation. *13,000 text messages a month?* How does she even find time to take care of your disabled child? Thats 433 per day! This is a full on EA, no doubt about it now and clearly explains her behavior. Time to have your thread moved to the Coping With Infidelity forum.




Reply...Juat so we are on the same page as that is the only way we can help each other. She is here not at a friend's house. I approached her about the text messages asking why she can't talk to me about some of what she is sending 13k13k text messages to. She got very defensive and told me I had no right to look at her cell phone bill. When I asked aince when her reply was since we separated. I kicked back since you decided to separate and I offered to see a counselor ansld work on the marriage. She said yes. 

I have secides at this point to do my thing,do what I have to do for the kids and be the best Dad I can be. She can do whatever she wants and as long as she doezn't adversley affect the kids. I will respond when spoken to, have the kids to herwhen its her time with them and other than that I'm done focusoing energy on her. If she gives me a reason to be more for her I'll consider it then but with conditions...such as time for he r and I and very limited communication if at all with this guy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jkyoung1013 (Feb 14, 2012)

The reason I agree to stay on the couch is otherwise she will move out. While I can deal with that, what I can't deal with is not having my kids with me half the time. I only get a handfull of moments with them as is due to work and the job, so I don't want to sacrifice any moments I don't have to, even if it means sleeping on the couch, or getting an air mattress, or closing off another room in the house and making that my room. Its all about the kids. I have two kids with special needs and they don't do well with change. The plan is to deal with it through the remainder of the school year and then make any changes over the summer so they have less stress to cope with while adjusting. But I am pretty much done. She is asking for way too much and not giving at all. 10 1/2 years just thrown out the window, I mean don't get me wrong I have 3 beautiful and loving kids for it, but it just frustrates me that I feel like a live-in sperm donar right now.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I can't keep up with who is who on this thread. Did the OP disappear?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I think so. 


Or maybe jkyoung1013 killed him...:scratchhead:?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Thread hijacked


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

jkyoung1013 said:


> The reason I agree to stay on the couch is otherwise she will move out. While I can deal with that, what I can't deal with is not having my kids with me half the time. I only get a handfull of moments with them as is due to work and the job, so I don't want to sacrifice any moments I don't have to, even if it means sleeping on the couch, or getting an air mattress, or closing off another room in the house and making that my room. Its all about the kids. I have two kids with special needs and they don't do well with change. The plan is to deal with it through the remainder of the school year and then make any changes over the summer so they have less stress to cope with while adjusting. But I am pretty much done. She is asking for way too much and not giving at all. 10 1/2 years just thrown out the window, I mean don't get me wrong I have 3 beautiful and loving kids for it, but it just frustrates me that I feel like a live-in sperm donar right now.


 You are letting her cake eat were she makes all the rules. Why would she ever want this to change?

As for your statement that you are doing it for the children, I call bull. That is the excuse that every weak beta male uses. The truth is your children will be harmed by the current situation. You staying together only matters if the marraige is at least half way decent. Your marraige is no longer a marraige. Your wife is losing more and more respect for you with each and every day. Your children will also lose respect for you. In the end you will lose both your wife and your children if you continue along the current path. For your children you must either make the marraige work or move on. Your best chance at saving your marraige occurs when you are willing to move on. The longer you take to make that decision the worse the odds get. Sit her down right now and calmly lay down the law. Tell her that if she is not willing to commit to the marraige, then it is time to file for divorce.

The best way to not have a bully pick on you in school is to let them know that you are willing to fight them even if you end up losing. Cowards get picked on because the bully knows that they will back down. Your wife is bullying you because she knows that you will back down. The more you let her do this the more she will lose respect for you.

BTW you should be humiliated that you texted the OM to have him tell your wife to call you. You in effect told him that he was your wife's alpha male and that you needed his help to deal with your wife. He must have had a good laugh at your expense. He probably told your wife and they laughed together at you.

If your think that I am being mean, I am trying to wake you up. Sorry if the truth hurts. You sound like a nice and decent guy.


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## WreckedDan (Mar 25, 2013)

Please before you leap to conclusions look up "Runaway Wife Syndrome" Ask her to look at it and get Marriage Counseling!


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

DEAD THREAD!!!!!

Last post was over a year ago.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Someone should PM the OP and ask how he is doing.


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## rkyfat (Feb 13, 2012)

Hi all,

I am the original poster for this thread. I have not posted for a long while mainly because I found the paranoia re affairs getting unbearable. But thank you for the wke up and the advice as it has made me look at all options.

So...update is....I started on the DB technique which was straight away to do 180's (as advised here), to look at myself, fix what was in my control (myself) with the overall view being if my marriag was finished then I would emerge a person for it. 

After, weeks of snooping, driving myself mad.. I dropped all that, decided what will be will be, worked on making myself a better person and figuring out what exactly W had to complain about and if that did lead her to another man.

So, W had the EA, no PA which has been verified by mutual friend and her family who I am still on v good terms with.

W did move out in November 12, displayed all signs of an MLC, recognised changes I had made but then got frutstrated with me that it got this far before I truly changed.

I have continued without snooping, with no expectations, but working on myself, going to the gym again, getting my own life and focussing on my kids. My eldest started university so lives away, my youngest with special needs I have Friday night until Monday am each week when I drop him at school. I then drop his things off at W place and have slowly been building up connection/friendship again. My visits have now gone from formalities to invites for coffee, long talks (mainly light hearted stuff about day 2 day things).

Our communication has got better, our relationship is building again and all I can say is that I am starting to get to a place where although I love W dearly, I am going to be fine no matter what.

Relationship with S with special needs has blossomed and overall I feel more confident than I have in years. In short I am starting to find me again, but a much improved version.

It has been tough (still is) and I continue to work on myself, but I will not let this destroy me. I would not leave the marital bedroom in the early stages, I would not help wife financially to move out. What I did do is make it clear that the kids and W had a perfectly good home here, but I was not moving.

W has not mentioned divorce and neither do I, we hug, we have shared an odd kiss, she is showing some signs of caring about me again.

What I will say is that the snooping killed off what was left. I know I will get stick on here for that, all I will say is that if people are to snoop make sure that your spouse does not know anything until you are 110% certain. 

Do some deep soul searching about yourself and your own behaviour because that is all that you can control and work on. Once your spouse says they needs space, they are done.

Just advice from someone who has now been there and is still hanging on by a thread. 

But I will not give in until I am ready to give in. I still love my W and believe that deep down she has love for me too. But I will say my old Wife and marriage are gone, the only hope I have is to offer her something better.

My posts will be infrequent but thanks to those who have still posted. I am getting to a good place and hopefully will continue on my path.

All the best.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Hi there! 
I read the fist 10 posts or so and as usual, got disgusted with the rush to charge the wife with the letter A. From your initial post it seemed she had had enough and caring for special needs, as you now know intimately, takes everything.

I hate that your snooping ended the little spark that was left. I hope these guys read this and realize the harm they do!

You say you are getting to a good place and feel much better about yourself! That is great and I am sure your wife will notice! I hope there is a way for you and your wife to get back together. Start dating her, maybe? I hate giving up hope because you both have so much to deal with regarding your son... I like happy endings so I'm going to cross my fingers and hope you get a very happy ending.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Hi there!
> I read the fist 10 posts or so and as usual, got disgusted with the rush to charge the wife with the letter A. From your initial post it seemed she had had enough and caring for special needs, as you now know intimately, takes everything.
> 
> *I hate that your snooping ended the little spark that was left. I hope these guys read this and realize the harm they do!*You say you are getting to a good place and feel much better about yourself! That is great and I am sure your wife will notice! I hope there is a way for you and your wife to get back together. Start dating her, maybe? I hate giving up hope because you both have so much to deal with regarding your son... I like happy endings so I'm going to cross my fingers and hope you get a very happy ending.



Yeah, cake eating cheaters hate it when you snoop.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So...she's mad at you because you checked her phone records?

Quel surprised.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

jfv said:


> Yeah, cake eating cheaters hate it when you snoop.


You know, she wasn't having an affair? I don't deny there are times when a man is being yanked by his balls by a wife on the party circuit, and in those time the mob scene that happens here is probably hugely helpful to the husband. But it's just not the case all the time! 

I just think his marriage would have been better served had he focused on the issues his wife told him about, rather then the issues present in your marriage!

And this poor guy is a classic example of how to destroy the tenuous bond. Instead of working on his marriage he worked on catching her... And he ended up losing her. So, well done brotherhood!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

When my marriage issues came to a head... If I had gone to a friend's house and H snooped rather than deal with the issues...that absolutely would have been the last straw for me!


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

rkyfat said:


> So, W had the EA, no PA which has been verified by mutual friend and her family who I am still on v good terms with.


some may just roll their eyes at those that can't tolerate others posting what they don't like..........


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Anon Pink said:


> You know, she wasn't having an affair?


Huh? He SAYS she was having an EA.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

[QUOTE but she feels like I have'nt supported her enough over the years with the house etc- not the physical but emotional support of saying thanks/good job etc and just generally appreciating her efforts. This was a slap in the face - I am guilt to a certain extent and I have (without realising it) taken her for granted. ][/QUOTE]

I wouldn't minimize this.That's the "crux" ..and she means it.It shouldnt be slap in the face..it should be a wake up call...Not that I agree with her running off to her friends.But she is telling the truth and you admit taking her for granted..Admit you did and change.But she needs to get her butt home and take care of her babies.Right now..


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Ya know life sucks but you don't 'run off and abandon your children.They didn't even ask to be born.Why make them pay?..they love you whether you even deserve if or not..if she wanted some time off she should have arranged it in advance..you don't just run off and leave the children ..I have no respect for that..

And again you OP...you need to stop taking her for granted and buckle it up and find some time to make her feel appreciated by you .I bet she will return the favor but you have to start..She sounds "done"..Still..she will need to learn you just don't run off and leave your children like that.Ya know? Stay home and fight in the bedroom or arrange for time off..

BLAHH!!!


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

turnera said:


> Huh? He SAYS she was having an EA.


It's okay, her friends and family confirmed there was "no PA."


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

There very much was an EA which he says.

He believes that there wasn't a PA because friends and family told him so. I wonder how would they know for sure?


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> There very much was an EA which he says.
> 
> He believes that there wasn't a PA because friends and family told him so. I wonder how would they know for sure?


Because she told them, Duh!!


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## rkyfat (Feb 13, 2012)

Ok, re the PA. I met with the OM W, keylogged, got access to her phone, followed her and spent weeks doing this. The only evidence I got was some flirty messages to and from OM. Nothing that suggested a PA, but some personal stuff that overstepped the line of what was acceptable. 

I had 2 choices. To make myself ill keep trying to find something that may or may not have been happening. Or to take a leap of faith, work on myself and look at my issues that contributed to our M failing (of which there are a lot). I chose the latter because it is the only thing I could do anything about.

I have learned about myself, about W feelings even though I may not have wholeheartedly agreed with them (they are real to her). 

...and yes I consulted a lawyer to know exactly where I stand (W does not know that) and protect myself.

I do not completely discount a PA, but have made my decision that even if there is it is out of my control...and there is nothing I have found or been told that says there is and I have had enough of trying to find out.

I am simply trying to move on a better person and if W sees a way back then it will be a bonus. If not then like I said, I will have lost nothing.

I do like the posts so thank-you, even the A ones as they do help with perspective and I do take them on board.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Who did it turn out she was having the emotional affair with? Where does he live?


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Anon Pink said:


> When my marriage issues came to a head... If I had gone to a friend's house and H snooped rather than deal with the issues...that absolutely would have been the last straw for me!


I think that if the wife leaves. The husband would be stupid to not take a look at what she has been doing. 

He of course should also be dealing with the issues.


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