# Just another vent of sadness, feel free to join me !



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Right when I think I'm done - again ! 
They're getting fewer but when - are they going to just leave me alone ?

Reality check yesterday. Very simple really but they had to deliver a new gas bottle out to my place and the guy says - now where do we send the bill to this add or your place in town - that's you too right - your wife . I said yeah that's my wife just send it to that add'. This way I don't have to pay a deposit you see .
Later I thought to myself , I've just told this guy she's my wife - to save the deposit  , meanwhile though , this guys probably seen "my wife " , around town with an om - in front of everybody.
She's not my wife , no wife of mine is running around town with an om.
Unfortunately , it's about fkg time I got that one straight I think ! Sad but true .
So with my daughter around to the last few days just as I know many of us here are dealing with , I've just felt like - well we all know just how it feels.

Then I'm over at the back of the property today , I've just felt like [email protected] and the next minute - I'm at the Pines.
The Pines are 12 70ft high 100 yr old trees that we made into our playground. There's hamics and sun lunges , trampoline , little table , kids stuff and tree swing. We had it set up for the girls and for us - anyone , just a beautiful another world to go over to, hangout , play or escape.
You can't see over there from around the house and so many times x or one of us would just pop out from the bushes and of the path from the house to the Pines looking for the rest of us . X , or me , or one of the girls , or a friend. Whoever it was would drag up a chair under these beautiful big old trees , talk about their day , say hello to the others,laugh , coke , or beer, or scotch, an ice cream, in hand.
The girls would all be up in trees or running round in there somewhere , or playing tricks on whoever was sitting around. In the summer it was the coolest spot around .
No one pops up through from the bushes anymore, no one over there to go see, sit with and chill after the day.We don't see my wifes car through the trees coming down the road after work anymore. With the exception of when my d's here and maybe a bunch of her friends , the Pines just feel cold , still and empty now. I never sit over there with anyone now , it's too sad. I just wanna move.

Thanks for listening and sorry that I've probably depressed you.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Hey we all have our days - try to find another spot to enjoy that's all yours don't dwell on your past it doesn't do you any good. I still have to refer to myself as his "wife" sometimes (its only been 4 months seperated so we are still stuck together on a couple of things) but it doesn't bother me anymore. Its just a word that means nothing now - I look at it as a business arrangement that's all it is.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Four mths , that's not long is it how are you coping , you seem good. 6 1/2 for me. Just last week here I think , I'm happily saying I'm pretty well done. So much for that , catches me out every time.
Yeah we use the business/team thing all the time too. 
That's one thing but you know on a completely different level , she still likes being called my wife , when it slips out I can hear it. Go figure , not ready , cake eating maybe I spose .


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

You have to want to disconnect. But even still there will be triggers.

I am so done withy stbx after 6 months wild horses wouldn't drag me back right now but I still have moments I just think wtf how dis I get here.

When thoughts like that pop up say hi and move on past them.

Don't berate yourself for them but do look to reduce them


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## lucy mulholland (May 18, 2010)

Yep, almost 6 months since the news, 5 since he moved out. 

I want to move also. 

It's torture, I want to disconnect but at the same time I'm still in shock - I can't believe all the **** that has gone down. I really didn't think he would do this and now am faced with the reality of who he is. It's the worst thing I've ever experienced.

FUnny about the wife and husband thing...I liked being called his wife but when I called him husband it never seemed quite real...pretty much because he was giving off so many signs he didn't really want to be with me.

And as I've discussed on other threads (or maybe just this one!) - this is the main point: 

You don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you! You mourn the life you had, really really hard. Mourn the **** out of it. Whitehawk - your description of the Pines just tore at my heart, I can't imagine how it tears at yours. I'm so sorry. 

But I know we have to move forward. There is good to look forward to. Take your time and trust it will happen. And we all have our days, weeks, months of horror. That too.

(A pep talk for myself, too.) Take care guys.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

whitehawk said:


> Four mths , that's not long is it how are you coping , you seem good. 6 1/2 for me. Just last week here I think , I'm happily saying I'm pretty well done. So much for that , catches me out every time.
> Yeah we use the business/team thing all the time too.
> That's one thing but you know on a completely different level , she still likes being called my wife , when it slips out I can hear it. Go figure , not ready , cake eating maybe I spose .


Somewhere in the middle of march I stopped crying & stopped feeling hopeless. After that I built from there. A couple of weeks later I realized he was not what I wanted - I wanted better & went from there. When he first left i pretty much shut down - i was destroyed because i didnt see it coming and i shut him out. I think it helped alot. Our kids were old enough that they could set up visits themselves.I should mention he is testing the waters - not neccessarly wanting to come back but seeing if he can be part of mine & the kids lives - the kids fine mine no.


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Thanks for this thread. I too, struggle to accept that my life is not going to be as I thought it would be, and the devastation of the abandonment, the lost love you never imagined would not endure. The loss of the companionship, the partnership, the intimacy. And the bracing adjustment of living alone...

Like Lucy, it help me to remind myself, every time I "miss" my STBXH that the guy I loved no longer exists, and also, "I do not want to be married to a man who does not want to be a husband to me." It is truly like mourning a death. I hope when my D is final, I will be better able to detach and not look back.

Best, A12


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

lucy mulholland said:


> Yep, almost 6 months since the news, 5 since he moved out.
> 
> I want to move also.
> 
> ...



And a bloody good pep it was to Lucy , thanks .
Sorry about the Pines gory details, fkg depressing. I just needed to actually say it to someone, admit it you know , how it really is. When my d and I or a heap of her friends just like it use to be are over there now, I have to make like it's all the same still.
But I can see she feels it. Funny though , one of her friends just come straight out with it one day - " know what C - my d, no offense but I like it better with out your mum around , she was too bossy " :smthumbup: 
I laughed , x was getting crazy bossy. Dunno how many times she'd spoil somem popping up and giving orders .

Yep it is torture , you are in shock aren't you I'm sure of it, literally in shock.
I wonder is she's in a shock too amongst making out to everyone how lifes so fkg great now.
18 yrs , straight out of our new place after only 17mths , into a rental, some new om , she'd have to be in shock underneath surely. I'm sure I'm seeing some cracks with her lately.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Awakening2012 said:


> Thanks for this thread. I too, struggle to accept that my life is not going to be as I thought it would be, and the devastation of the abandonment, the lost love you never imagined would not endure. The loss of the companionship, the partnership, the intimacy. And the bracing adjustment of living alone...
> 
> Like Lucy, it help me to remind myself, every time I "miss" my STBXH that the guy I loved no longer exists, and also, "I do not want to be married to a man who does not want to be a husband to me." It is truly like mourning a death. I hope when my D is final, I will be better able to detach and not look back.
> 
> Best, A12



Go for your life a12,
But this is the stupidest thing . They chose not to stay with us , told us to fk off basically . What the hells wrong with us .
With anyone else I'd just say , oh right fk you too . Wish I could do that here .

She thought I didn't want to be with her anymore too and I was fkg around and was having lots of doubts. But it wasn't really like that.
We just finished a 5yr slog to buy our place , there was work and money and stress and her health . We were both cluster fkd .
But time would have brought us back again, just time and reconnecting, not quitting . All that's done is all this , makes me that fkg angry . Few effs in there , sorry about that.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> Somewhere in the middle of march I stopped crying & stopped feeling hopeless. After that I built from there. A couple of weeks later I realized he was not what I wanted - I wanted better & went from there. When he first left i pretty much shut down - i was destroyed because i didnt see it coming and i shut him out. I think it helped alot. Our kids were old enough that they could set up visits themselves.I should mention he is testing the waters - not neccessarly wanting to come back but seeing if he can be part of mine & the kids lives - the kids fine mine no.


Thanks ss . Hmm , you think he's contemplating hey ! I think mine is definitely becoming at least a bit confused as reality hits home too. Not sure where she's at but she's acting weird and coming out with new stuff.
But she's a tricky one , could be nothing , wouldn't be the first time.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I don't know what mine is up to. I don't know who the ow is & I'm not supposed to know - of course I do know but I wont let him know. I take a small joy watching him try to hide it & knowing I know. When mine left he said to the kids if anything needed to be done around the house he would come do it. His vision was for all of us to end up friends. When I shut him out he knew he wasnt getting his way. Certain things have gone on this week - a death in my family- our daughter announcing shes getting ready to move out-some financial matters that needed to be taken care of- that have made us have more contact then usual. I think hes starting to think maybe this is his time to make friends. Oh & I haven't seen him since the middle of February. Ive been able to avoid that.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Sorry - I'm not supposed to know where he lives is what I meant to say


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Wish l could say the same but for my daughter l go there.
Sometimes that's what l think mines upto.Hoping we all just end up one big happy separated family - weird. 
lf it was mutural and no one bought other people into it yet , yeah that'd be best especially for the kids, but it's not.
But yeah , I could've done what they say round here. I did get his name and number day one , saw him somewhere too. Then l thought this bs is just so stomach turning l'm not going there.
Glad l didn't too because a lot of people here are haunted now by the crap they had to gather on the om or ow.

Since Feb , Jesus we still see each other 2-3 times a wk. Can't decide if that's good or bad.
My d's giving her so much grief over there to that now she's saying we should all just spend some time out here together one or two nights a week for awhile. Have tea and hang out.
Hu , dunno how that's suppose to work. Haven't decided yea or neigh yet.

I mean if she's still on her same path I'm thinking f you but if she's reconsidering , it might be a good thing.
I did hurt her a lot too, not like I'm a saint in all this but hey l didn't do this though is the way l see it.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

You're right if there was no one else and it was a legit seperation of course its possible to be the " one big happy". I know on here they say expose but I cant see it for me - hey he walked away - my choice was to put up walls & block him out. Of course I told all my family & friends but he has no family and not too many friends. Over the 4 months I have discovered he has told no one so I drop things here& there but I also realize how pathetic he looks hiding all this. Its sad that he chose to live that way. I don't know if its a good idea to be meeting 1-2 times a week. I don't think you can start taking care of yourself if someone is around that much & I think spending time as a family isn't good for the kids. I was a child of divorce & in the beginning we would all meet for breakfast on Sundays & it messed us kids up. 
As for blame - as I see it - sure I played my part in the problems (we were married almost 25 yrs) but so did he.It was 50/50 blame. It was all on him the way he chose to deal with it. That is NOT on me.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> You're right if there was no one else and it was a legit seperation of course its possible to be the " one big happy". I know on here they say expose but I cant see it for me - hey he walked away - my choice was to put up walls & block him out. Of course I told all my family & friends but he has no family and not too many friends. Over the 4 months I have discovered he has told no one so I drop things here& there but I also realize how pathetic he looks hiding all this. Its sad that he chose to live that way. I don't know if its a good idea to be meeting 1-2 times a week. I don't think you can start taking care of yourself if someone is around that much & I think spending time as a family isn't good for the kids. I was a child of divorce & in the beginning we would all meet for breakfast on Sundays & it messed us kids up.
> As for blame - as I see it - sure I played my part in the problems (we were married almost 25 yrs) but so did he.It was 50/50 blame. It was all on him the way he chose to deal with it. That is NOT on me.


Yep exactly , this is not dealing with it it's just quitting , anyone can do that. Still gets me that mad I mean , what good are vows !
But yeah exposing , I couldn't anyway this guy had nothing to hurt him with. No family or wife or work thing , my ex well , we mostly saw her family , mostly her friends , they aren't gonna back me are they .
Interesting about your childhood , yeah I dunno how it works but I've heard that same thing a few times now from divorced family kids. Gonna pm you for the scoop.
When I say see her 2-3 times a wk it's only daughter stuff , drop offs or pick ups. Not time with x as such but we are on the phone or text a lot but same , usually daughter or our financial mess.

I reckon people are just selfish fools bringing om's or ow's into separations.
I still reckon so many marriages can be saved with some work or even some apart time. But to me , you bring someone else into the picture blows it out of the water.
We would have been right , Would have taken time but we could have easily grown happy old together.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Sometimes contact is unavoidable my kids are 23-20&15 so there is no need for he & I to deal with each other with the kids. We do have a dog he wants to visit(???) But again - kids deal with that.
Because of the dog I let him visit with her & the kids in the yard last week ( I stayed in the house away from them) but guess where he ended up this week. That's what I mean about testing the waters. But to go to show you how kids get confused the 20 year old keeps going -"see hes harmless - I really think hes looking for a way to come back" he says it like it would be a great thing & I keep having to point out that its not going to happen.
The night mine left he told me he was moving out -he wasn't happy & hadn't been for a while - I said me neither and it was maybe a good thing we could go for counceling & work out our issues. He stopped me dead in my tracks & said no there was someone else & it was going on for a while. Truth is if there was no one else - he would have never left. (He moved directly in with her) I think a lot of these WS wouldn't leave if there was no ow/om. I used to think that and I'm sure we could have grown old together but I have a life now I like and I'm starting to think that I'm going to have a better life without him.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

That's great ss I'm happy for you. No doubt a lot of people could it's damn hard work being married isn't it.
Yeah God eh , if a 20 yr old still hopes , it's really sad stuff. So is that the big issue in doing some family thing, confusing the kids, hope ?

He went straight to her , well I can see your feelings then Mine sort of did but not to living together . So sorry for his bs ss , Jesus what happens to them !
Although bet if It wasn't for my daughter they would have too. And yep there's no way she would of taken this way out and broken us all up if it wasn't for him. No way.
Stupidest thing is , they are such an odd couple , really I feel like saying to her are you for fkg real - him , wtf ! Heard a few friends of hers [email protected] has been getting back to her about him to .


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Its not easy - marriage - one thing ive learned for hopefully my next relationship (maybe even marriage - I have not given hope on that yet lol) is its always a work in progress.
My son sort of surprised me because we all agree its much more peaceful around here since hes gone.
Yes he went right to her I didn't find that out for 3 weeks. I had to shut down the day he left. The person I married was gone & I had to face that.
I have heard they usually "trade down" from their spouses. I don't know why it happens that way. I really cant understand how their minds think. It is sort of interesting though.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> Its not easy - marriage - one thing ive learned for hopefully my next relationship (maybe even marriage - I have not given hope on that yet lol) is its always a work in progress.
> My son sort of surprised me because we all agree its much more peaceful around here since hes gone.
> Yes he went right to her I didn't find that out for 3 weeks. I had to shut down the day he left. The person I married was gone & I had to face that.
> I have heard they usually "trade down" from their spouses. I don't know why it happens that way. I really cant understand how their minds think. It is sort of interesting though.


I get the trade down because what are the odds of finding somebody just right , right when you decide you aren't happy. That takes most of us years and only then if we're lucky.
But there's usually a trade down on offer anytime.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

whitehawk said:


> I get the trade down because what are the odds of finding somebody just right , right when you decide you aren't happy. That takes most of us years and only then if we're lucky.
> But there's usually a trade down on offer anytime.


That's why it may seem they have it better now at first glance but the truth is- if or when we find somebody it will be the right one. The one that makes us happy & doesn't bring drama into our lives but makes us better people. Thats because we have time to improve ourselves & look for what we really want the next time around


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