# My backwards story



## mymistake (Jun 18, 2013)

I've been lurking for months on these boards and posted a few comments but never laid it all out there. 
After reading so much I feel like I should have found a similar story but nothing seems close. I'm not here to be validated for my decisions or be torn down but would like to know if anyone has experienced similar situations and how do you just move forward. 
I could write a book if I wanted to but I will just bring you to the present but ask any details you want and I'll be happy to elaborate on my situation.
Long story short... in the past two and half years I asked H for D. He said no. So then I cheated(yes I realize I'm a POS for this and feel like it everyday). He found out about PA after I had ended it and I got to spend a weekend in hell. Which I took as deserved punishment from H. He still didn't want a D and threatened to use all of his legal pull (he's a lawyer) to destroy me and take my kids if I pursued a D. I was in a place where I couldn't believe that I had been capable of cheating and felt like I should do anything I could to "Fix" what I destroyed. We agreed to work on the marriage. He cheated a couple weeks into us "trying" and he said he only did it because I forced him to. I kind of felt like I did, so I excused it. We moved forward. I did everything i knew to do to make right my wrong. There was not any contact with the OM even before he found out, I was completely transparent, logins, passwords, phone bills, I let him know where I was every moment of the day. He would IM or text me 300-400 times a day.Some days were ok and others were not so great. He never got over the PA (and I can't hold that against him) but you can only punish someone for so long before they have enough. And that's where I'm at. I've lived in a bubble for over 2 years, I've relocated my family due to my H getting fired. I really thought the move would be a great "start over" for us. I had high hopes for our family. Unfortunately that was not the case. Things just got worse. The more I did to prove my love and take pressure off of him the bigger POS he became. In June I filed for D but we still live together. He still doesn't want the D and is making it as difficult as possible for the D to move forward. He will not allow me move out with the kids and I would never leave them. I will have to go to court to prove its an unhealthy environment for the children to live in for us to get out. I don't want to destroy his career(what's left of it) or put on record that he's been abusive to get out but I'm going crazy with the ups and downs he has. He's an alcoholic and I believe some type of personality disorder, maybe BPD. He got furious and called me horrible names in front of our daughter yesterday because I was feeding the kids canned chicken noodle soup for dinner. WTH??
I am hesitant to file for temporary custody because he has promised me that if I will "try" to make things work until January he will give me an amiable divorce but he expects me to sleep in the same bed as him who knows what else. If I don't then he says he will "burn me down" and take the kids and make the D drag out for years. Am I fooling myself to think that he might actually just give me a divorce in January? Should I just keep saying I'm "trying"? or is there a war coming either way? It's so close to January now that I think I might as well stick it out and see.
I really wish he would just do the 180 everyone talks about on here. He's spent the last 4 months wasted and barely going to work. I don't understand why he doesn't realize I'm not changing my mind.. and no, there is no OM. That is a mistake that learned from and will never repeat.
I just don't know what move to make next...


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Need more info.

Do you work?

How many kids and their ages?

How long does a D take in your State?

Have you consulted with a lawyer, or did you file for D on your own?

Never believe anything that comes out of the mouth of a disordered addict.

Do what it takes to get your kids out of this environment. Alcoholism wrecks lives.


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## mymistake (Jun 18, 2013)

Thanks for responding Threestikes!

Yes, I work full time. We have two kids, 6 and 4. D is final 60 days from the time both parties sign or immediately if you go to trial. But if one party can't prove grounds then it can drag out for years. And he knows how to work the system so there has been absolutely no progress. I could have filed yesterday and we would be at the same place.
The disorder and addict is just my opinion from living with him for 11 years.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Why are you tolerating this relationship?

What do *you *want?


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## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

First off, I am so sorry you're going through this.. And that he's making it so miserable for you.

I'm not sure why he's asking you to wait until January, but from the sound of it, I'm doubting that he will make it any easier in a month or two. What is stopping you from moving out, filing for temporary custody and also a restraining order?

I understand you cheated, which was a mistake.. But he did as well. So who is he to make your life miserable, and make all of these threats?

For your sake, and your children's, leave him. His threats seem empty, just a scare tactic. And with custody and a restraining order, he can't do anything to you anyway.

If you are sure you want out, do it now! Don't wait for him.

Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Honorbound (Nov 19, 2013)

I have to agree with CB1. Completely. While it was wrong of you to cheat (as you now know), when he didn't put you out or file he should have forgiven you and tried to put it behind both of you - not cheated himself. You don't get back at someone by staining your own soul. That doesn't help anyone.

I can assure you that, no matter what you do, if you still want a divorce in January he will construe that as you haven't been 'trying' and will still contest the divorce.

Get out now while you can... and for the love of God, don't denigrate yourself by cheating again - you only hurt yourself and everyone around you.


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## mymistake (Jun 18, 2013)

Three strikes - I have thought about your question all night and all of the answers to why I tolerate the relationship that I have come up with are irrational. I want to say it's because I hate conflict and just hope that he will keep his word for an uncontested divorce. I'm a little scared of what he can do legally. I do have an attorney but can't say I completely trust he has my best interest at heart. I haven't heard from him in almost 3 months. I also think that if I just stick it out until January I can say that I held up my end of the bargain and feel confident knowing that I did give him a chance to make some changes and he just didn't. Guess that will confirm that I'm doing the right thing. I don't really know, just rambling now. 

Thanks for your comments CB1. The only thing stopping me from leaving is the court system. And the only way to get their approval to move out is to prove an unhealthy environment for the kids. My H has only been physical the weekend he found out about my PA and I didn't report it. He's and alcoholic but has not record of DUI, public drunk, or anything else to back up my statements. My attorney says that as long as there is no physical abuse going on the chances of a judge allowing me to take the kids out of their home in unlikely. But like I said earlier, not so sure about my attorney right now. And the January date will be 6 months from the time I filed for divorce. He thought that in that time frame he could prove he could make things work. I never really agreed to this but we live in the same house so I've just kind of gone along with it. 

HB - Thanks for reading my story. After 2 1/2 yrs I am still haunted everyday by the decision I made to have the affair. I will not be making the same mistake again. 
I also think that come January I will have not "tried" hard enough or done something that was in his imaginary made up as we go guidelines. Just seems I'm so close to the date to not finish it out. If nothing else I can see that even in the face of losing everything he has he won't put down the alcohol or really do anything else to repair our relationship. 

Thanks to all for the support.


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## Honorbound (Nov 19, 2013)

Anytime, MM. I'm sorry you are going through this. Everyone makes mistakes, but if the other person is completely unable to forgive there is no chance of making things work. The revenge he has taken on you has just made things worse for both of you.

I understand about needing to be able to say, "I tried". You need that... I'm just thinking that your definition of the term is different from his. You are trying to mend a broken relationship. He just wants you to pay for the rest of your life while he does whatever he wants. It doesn't work like that. Two wrongs don't equal a right.

Just expect the worst while hoping for the best and be content with being the best person you can be. You can't control anyone else. If you do that you will know when to forgive yourself, move on, and have the strength to do what is right, not only for yourself, but for your children as well.


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## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

Ugh, so sorry you're having trouble with your attorney as well  

I just hope that when January rolls around he makes this easier on you. He's obviously not committed to fixing things, or making your relationship work. You don't deserve that, and neither do your children!

Just keep your head up, and focus on improving your life for you and your kids. And like HB said.. It doesn't work like that. Your H cannot expect you to remain in this M just to take his punishment and nonsense. If he can't recognize and respect you as his W, he should grant you the D. Why does he want to remain married?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mymistake (Jun 18, 2013)

It's been a while since I've been on here. It's been such a limbo situation around my house I couldn't find any peace reading through this stuff. Well.. I can't say I've found peace anywhere else but I have hope that will be changing soon. I finally made it to the imaginary date my STBXH set to repair the marriage and it is no more the better. Actually worse, who knew that was possible? 
Anyway, I am moving myself and my kids out of the house this weekend. I can't lie, the closer it gets the more upset I seem about losing the life I thought we could have had together but in those same tears there is hope for a this new version of my life that I never even imagined. After seeing my IC for 6 months I have learned a lot about myself and now its time to start putting some of that knowledge to use. It's time to make myself the healthiest person I can be. For my kids of course, but also for myself. I'm so tired of being on empty. 
The next steps in the divorce are likely to be drawn out and ugly. Hoping it goes better than I envision.


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

There is not a thing you can do if he decides to make it ugly. Be strong and ride it out until it's said and done. 

Was your relationship rocky before the affair? Don't beat yourself up about it. You took responsibility for your actions. You did the right thing in taking steps to rebuild his trust with you after the fact. He decided to stay. It was his responsibility to work on forgiving and repairing the relationship along with you and he didn't. He did nothing but add insult to injury. 

You have no control over his behavior. Have you heard of AL-ANON? It's a support group similar to AA but it's for friends, family, and loved ones of alcoholics. They teach you about DETACHMENT. Look into it on the net. It will make the divorce process with him easier. His actions will no longer hurt as much when you learn to detach.


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## mymistake (Jun 18, 2013)

Thanks, ICLH - Yes, the marriage was rocky before the affair, in my eyes anyway. I am very codependent and avoid conflict at all cost. He saw a very different picture of our life. I was lonely and sad because he spent so much time with buddies at the bar or golfing or doing anything but spending time with his family. And since I didn't nag or yell at him for going he thought things were just fine. I started talking to him months before the affair about my feelings in the marriage but it was all dismissed. It was like nothing I said was taken seriously and I eventually just got angry. Things have just spiraled out of control since then. As I have been able to step back from the situation I can now see most of our problems stemmed from alcohol and my inability to see it for what if was. I didn't want to be married to an alcoholic so I just convinced myself he wasn't one. I have done a little research on Al-Anon but haven't gone to a meeting yet but I do plan to go check it out. 
The move went well this weekend, of course I got ugly text calling me every name in the book but that was expected. He took the kids to his parents this weekend so I haven't had to see him yet. I'm a little nervous about when I do see him, he is just so angry.


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