# I regret taking him back.



## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Not my ex. My KID.

"Quick" back story (you can look up my old posts if you desire

I have a 17 and a half year old child that I raised since the age of 2, adopted him around age 5. I got him when I married his dad. His dad and I split when he was 13, he and his other 3 siblings came with me and then all heck broke loose. He became involved with drugs and alcohol, was lying, stealing from me, sneaking out, disrespecting me, "puffed up" at me once, was destructive, lazy, disgusting, never picked up after himself, not doing great in school, etc. At one point (age 14) he snuck out and he and his buddies stole a car, flipped it, and he broke his back, requiring two surgeries and docs said it was a miracle he didn't paralyze himself. His father was ZERO help the minute we split. He pays child support usually and pretends like his kids don't exist for the most part. At age 15, I sent him to his dad's for the summer (both of them kicking and screaming) and within 2 weeks, his dad sent him to stay with his bio mom. (Unknown to me at the time.) Once I found out he was there, I said he could just stay. Then followed a rather peaceful and wonderful 1.5 years where I concentrated on my two good kids (the oldest one I had raised was grown and gone.)

Around the end of January, my child contacted me and wanted to come back and live with me. His bio mom had allowed him to do whatever he wanted, so he did. She drank with him and smoked weed with him and he failed several classes when he even bothered to show up to school. I still haven't figured out how he has managed to avoid being arrested. 

Anyway, with much deliberation and thought, and with promises that he wanted to finish school instead of drop out and get his GED, AND with my house RULES FIRMLY established, I agreed to let him come back. He KNEW that if he screwed up, he was out again (I tried to tell his dad that he had to take him if it didn't work out......he never agreed, saying he would "call me back" and that was the last I heard from him.)

I fought to get him in school because they didn't want to accept him. But they did because *I* went and raised cane. Folks here on TAM helped me through all that and I am so grateful for all the support I had.

Fast forward to now. The kid HAS done better as far as cleaning up after himself in the home, and to my knowledge has not stolen from me, nor done drugs (he has drank away from the house.) He does have a tendancy of "helping himself" to things that do not belong to him, and that's how the stealing started before. He has also lied to me about school. He said things were going well, but is failing two classes. School is out this week. He got himself suspended by taking his vaper cigarette to school (I told him not to) and he was grounded during the duration of that. I didn't get overly upset about it, just told him he was grounded and I wasn't buying him another one. I did let him use my extra, because I didn't want him picking real cigarettes back up (mine is a basic simple one......not the fancy "mod" he had that I originally bought him.) 

But he decided that he was done with being grounded this weekend and took off with friends on Saturday. Didn't come home until well after midnight, and only after he conned his brother into coming to pick him up (he has no car, no license.) I was asleep at the time, with doors locked. 

So I am understandably upset by this. But I was dealing......I took my extra vaper back, picked up all my electronics he had access to (they are with me at work) and told him that he no longer had access to anything extra. He then sent me a series of disrespectful text messages telling me what I should be doing, and how I am overreacting, etc. Sunday morning it came to a head.....he started in on me about how I shouldn't be talking to my other son in an angry manner. I tried to walk outside, he followed me, "you are just gonna walk away from me?" (YES.) And it turned into a pissing match that ended in him screaming "f you" at me and slamming the door. I admit that I lost my cool, but that is why I was trying to walk away. 

I completely regret allowing this slime (yes, I said it) back into my peaceful home. My entire weekend was ruined for me and my other children because of this ungrateful jerk. I want him out. But at only 17 and a half, I am legally required to keep him. His father is worthless and will not take him. I told him he can stay until hes 18, and then hes out. I feel like I have to lock my belongings down again (i lived like that before) and basically I am a prisoner in my own home. I do not feel happy there. I have no joy in the home that I work and pay for. This brat has no license, no job, no real motivation to do well in school, and is basically leeching off of me and "thinks hes grown."

And I'm completely alone. I have support.....people that love me and back me.....but I am alone in the parental decision making. And it sucks.

I guess I"m just venting. This is going to be a long 6 months.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Can you force him into counseling for the remaining 6 months? Tough love is just that - tough. Apparently you are the only person in his life who cares enough. Maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to remind him you're all he's got and that you love him but you won't tolerate his behavior. 

And WHY did you give him a smoking device? Those are still illegal for people under 18. Every time I find cigarettes on kids at my house I break them in half and throw them away and pour water on top of them. 

It's contradictory to him. You allow some illegal things and not others.  You know he drinks away but don't stick with the punishment. 

You CAN relinquish parental responsibility. Call the police.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

It sounds like he's acting out. I'm sure he has issues due to his bio-mom and his dad abandoning him. Have you ever had him in professional counseling?


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

He's been in counceling, but thinks hes smarter than the counselors. He is a narccisit and will manipulate a counselor. I"ve seen it with my own eyes. And it's legal for him to have this contraption at his age in the state. I don't like it, but it's the lesser of two evils. I don't allow the alcohol, he did it while he was away. I have ZERO control over him when hes away (and not a heck of a lot when he is here.)

I'm not saying I"m the only person to deal with a god awful teenager, I"m just saying that this one is too smart for his own good. He knows how to manipulate even me. I've tried to warn the school about him (he had manipulated them as well) and he has done it with counselors. He has done it with his brothers. His peers, EVERYONE. He is very good at it. He will cry and make you believe he is truly hurting, then turn around and do the exact opposite of what he just said he was hurting over. He is currently trying the apology route with me and I am not hearing it.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

"I'm sorry" doesn't cut it when you turn around and do the exact same thing again.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

And trust me, I HAVE called the police on this kid. They never do anything. He is smart enough to do just enough to not get in trouble. I"m praying he punches a hole in the wall so they WILL get him in trouble.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

((((hugs))))

Don't have any words of advice....but wanted to send you some hugs.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Ah if you truly believe, and his attitude about counseling is very telling, he is narcissistic (which, btw one of the theories is lack of attachment as an infant causing severe self esteem issues) then there likely isn't a lot you can do but hang on for the ride if you are his legal guardian. By the time you abdicate your role legally, he'll be 18 anyway.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Thanks. I had high hopes. He has so much potential. I know hes hurting. But taking it out on the one person left who would back him 110%? Not the best idea. Giving up on him looks mighty tempting. You can't help someone who refuses to see the light. Even if it's your own kid.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

He was DEFINITELY neglected as an infant. When we picked him up at age two, there was a suitcase full of clothes, a baby gate, and a ball. His 4 year old big sister had a "mommy" complex and he didn't know how to smile, laugh, or be a normal toddler. It was sad as hell.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

But I treated him like my own. THey will all tell you that I raised them all the exact same. They never once accused me of being the "wicked stepmother." He says he considers me his real mom.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Can the Bio father really, legally, abandon him at that age?


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

These type children tend to lash out at the person they love the most. It's actually pretty sad. I feel for you, but I feel deeply for your son as well. I wish I had an answer. If I were in your situation, I would try every counselor I could until I found one he could not manipulate. He needs professional help.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

I live in a rural area. I can continue to try and find a counselor that is equipped to handle him, but likely I will have to make the hour and a half trek to ATL to find someone who can. I work full time and have no family here. It will be incredibly difficult to get him to weekly appointments. I'm not trying to make excuses, but I can't lose my job over him either.

Karole, I love this kid. But right now I do not like him at all. And I"m almost past the point of giving a crap, honestly. 

His dad still pays child support, begrudgingly. We are actually in court at the moment because he's trying to reduce it. If I offered him to give up parental rights to drop all child support on the reamining 3, he would take it in a heartbeat. I don't know if he can be legally forced to take the kid in. He wouldn't even keep him for a summer.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

That's so sad. I know your son is a handful, but I can't help but feel sorry for him - I imagine he feels that no one wants him. That would be hard to accept at any age. I do wish I had answers for you, but sadly, other than counseling, I don't. 

Best of luck to you though. 

(it sounds like you live in my general area. I live in NW GA).


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

I'm central. Macon is closer, but his short stent in rehab there didn't produce much at all in the form of finding anyone decent. 

He lives off of people feeling sorry for him. Nothing is his fault. Unless he can try to use that to gain sympathy. I felt sorry for him too. That's why he came back. How many chances does someone get? I HAVE to keep him now. I am trapped. I never DIDN'T want him, I just wanted him to do right. He doens't want to. I was perfectly happy with him getting a GED or being homeschooled or whatever. He is the one who said he wanted his high school diploma. And he's failing out of school now. It makes no sense. I've seen what he can do when he applies himself. He could be a straight A student. Not that I even care about that right now. I just want him to pass. We were talking about technical school, he said he wanted to be a mechanic, but didn't think college was possible for him with his GPA (this was all the while he was telling me he was doing fine.) I told him it wouldn't be a problem at all. I guess he didn't believe me. All he has to do is get SOMEthing......GED, diploma, whatever! I am perfectly fine with non-traditional, I was fine with no college at all.....I wasn't trying to expect the impossible from him. I just needed him to act right. To not disrepect me, and to pull his share. I wasn't asking too much.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Is there a boot camp for boys you can send him to?


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## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Is there a boot camp for boys you can send him to?


Check with the state juvenile authorities about this.

IamSomebody


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Job Corps..... they take him at 17. My kid went.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I would also suggest signing him up for volunteer work, maybe working in a soup kitchen for the homeless, or looking after abandoned animals or something. That's if you can't get him into some sort of military school or whatever they have where you are. He needs to either realise how good he has it compared to some people or have a male disciplinarian in his life or both.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Job Corps is the route I am hoping he will take. He, of course, is looking forward to a "fun filled summer with his friends." I"m happy to tell him to leave for the summer and go stay with said friends. Don't come back, because my house is not a revolving door.

I have never kept him from seeing friends or going out. Only when he was grounded. Such an awful mother I am. Expecting so much. 

There is a "ranch" near here, but they only take kids already in the system. I have contacted authorities about other options, but unless he's actually in the system, no one can do anything. And he does just enough to keep himself out of the system. (Well, he just hasn't been caught.)

I am better today. My mom is going to come visit for a couple of days. She lives out of state. I think the bottom line is I am TIRED. I am just plain TIRED of this. My crazy brain had visions yesterday of just sending them ALL to thier dad and washing my hands of it. I DO NOT WANT TO DO THAT, nor do I really mean it. It's just where my stupid, over-tired, overwhelmed brain went. That would devastate my good 17 year old and 11 year old, total mama's boys.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

I had a buddy who was in your spot.

Went through a lot worse than what you posted.

His daughter was out of control.

One day after she had skipped school and went off the deep end with some K and X, he called he bio dad and told him to come to his house.

When the bio dad showed up, he hugged his daughter, gave the bio dad a box with all her closes and told her to get out.

He would ship all her stuff to her bio dad during the week.

The fighting that ensued was legendary. At the end of the day, she was gone and sanity began to establish itself in his household.

Did he hate to do that - yes.
Did it trouble him greatly - yes
Did he feel like a failure - yes

Did he get better - yes
Did his other kids get better - most definitely YES

did he eventually establish a working relationship with the daughter - yes, but it took many years of growing up and some serious boundaries and many fails on her part for them to finally have a working relationship


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

If his bio dad WOULD? In a heartbeat. But he wont. 

If his adoptive dad would? In a heartbeat. But HE won't.

If his bio mom WOULD? In a heartbeat. But she won't. Again, anyway.

I've already sent him away once, although technically it was his choice......but I STRONGLY encouraged it. Circuimstances helped it along. Best year and a half EVER. LOL!


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## Brandy905 (Apr 3, 2014)

Check out RAD, Reactive Attachment Disorder, it sounds like he may suffer from that with what he has been through. There is a ton of information on it. I know because one of our boys suffers from it. Knowing it isn't you and what to expect from him can help you cope better.


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## Brandy905 (Apr 3, 2014)

GA HEART said:


> He's been in counceling, but thinks hes smarter than the counselors. He is a narccisit and will manipulate a counselor. I"ve seen it with my own eyes.
> 
> I'm not saying I"m the only person to deal with a god awful teenager, I"m just saying that this one is too smart for his own good. He knows how to manipulate even me. I've tried to warn the school about him (he had manipulated them as well) and he has done it with counselors. He has done it with his brothers. His peers, EVERYONE. He is very good at it. He will cry and make you believe he is truly hurting, then turn around and do the exact opposite of what he just said he was hurting over. He is currently trying the apology route with me and I am not hearing it.




Here is a link similar to what you are describing

John M. Simmons RAD Manipulation Called Reactive Attachment Disorder


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Is there a boot camp for boys you can send him to?


Marines.mil - The Official Website of the United States Marine Corps

My Dad enlisted at 17.

Just sayin'.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

He has hardware in his spine from the rollover accident in the stolen car. The military won't take him without a waiver, and his jobs would be limited. He says if he can't be a sniper, he's not joining. *eyeroll*

Thanks Brandy, I will check it out!

I promise I'm not poo-poo'ing everyone's ideas and advice......I truly appreciate it!! It's just that I feel like I have tried and tried to find him help that just doesn't exist unless you have gobs of money, or unless he is "worse" than he is. Medical professionals, law enforcement, private instututions, health insurance, etc. I have looked into so many options it's not even funny (that was before he went to live with his bio mom for that year and a half.) At this point.......6 months until he's legally an adult, I doubt too many folks will help. And again, I can't FORCE him to do anything. I will have to make it his idea. Which is a challenge in itself. Right now our relationship is very strained. Talking about stuff is out of the picture at this point. I"m frustrated as hello.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

GA Heart, I'm so sorry your son is giving you such a horrible time.

I will wholeheartedly echo the idea to send him to a boot camp, a retreat, or the military. 

My parents had to go through the Tough Love program with me (is that still around?)My mother typed up a 'contract', sent me to a drug counselor (she found weed in my car trunk), and almost sent me to my militant aunt in Texas to straighten me out. I was 16-17.

My dad took my door off its hinges. 
When I broke curfew, they locked me out of the house.

I didn't turn around immediately; I actually moved out for awhile with a friend so I could do my own thing. Welp that didn't last long. I missed all the creature comforts of home. I finally straightened out and gained some newfound respect and appreciation for my parents. My mother and I couldn't be closer if we tried.

PLEASE don't give up on him. I know you won't and you're just venting. But you're the only one who gives a sh*t about him. He'll eventually realize you were the only constant in his life. And he will respect you and love you even more.

Hang in there.


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