# Captain & First Officer: so who's boss?



## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Ok so OH will be here within 24 hrs, and to some extent my anticipation & expectations are setting me up for a fall – he's only here a few days this time then away a few then back a few then we're into public holidays, son going to his house overseas (where I'm currently not welcomed) 
yadda yadda
I'm hoping we'll get some chance to continue our love busters, marriagebuilders etc 'homework' and get some intimacy of whatever kind – verbal, physical, anything would be good!
However to the point: we've had a brief discussion of his main lovebuster being lack of respect & that kind of thing, and I've posted threads & within threads about my not really understanding or getting along with the idea of the man being the 'deciding factor', 'boss', whatever.
I spotted AtholK's Captain & First Officer notion, and wondered if we could have a bit of detailed, day-to-day kind of explanation/discussion of what this means in practical terms -if, for example, you disagree about parenting, or loading dishwasher (contentious as it is!!!) & that kind of trivia which gets in the way so often.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

My orginial post is here Married Man Sex Life: Dominance and Submission in Marriage: The Captain and First Officer Model

Will check back later.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

While I don't agree with much of the other stuff written on your blog, that piece is very well written and when I get married I would like my relationship to be very much like that.


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

Atholk said:


> My orginial post is here Married Man Sex Life: Dominance and Submission in Marriage: The Captain and First Officer Model
> 
> Will check back later.


Well said! In the past I've fumbled around trying to find the words to desrcibe how we (the man & I) do things and now I don't have to fumble anymore - you've done it brilliantly for me, thank you!


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

I think C & 1st Officer could be a way for us to go, don't honestly know for sure yet, but getting a discussion going was a start; however there's one very specific issue I can't quite fit into the model
I parent single-handed while OH is overseas, timings vary but more often than not 10 day-here 10-day there kind of thing
We've had issues with son playing us off against each other for discipline but the bottom line is we've pretty much agreed when he's away I'm in charge even if son complains to him on the phone
How would this kind of (regular) situation be resolved in C & 1st O?


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Follow-up if anyone can help - under C & FO, if Cap'n has a project to steer the pair of you to doing but FO has already started something of her own, what happens then? Given that she's of *almost* equal importance to the relationship (If I've even got that right!)


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

madimoff said:


> Follow-up if anyone can help - under C & FO, if Cap'n has a project to steer the pair of you to doing but FO has already started something of her own, what happens then? Given that she's of *almost* equal importance to the relationship (If I've even got that right!)


She is of equal importance. The C&FO arrangement is by mutual agreement.

You just have a conversation about the options. Captain can decide what to do, First Officer should abide by it.

Over the long term though, a good Captain ensures the First Officer gets to do what she wants at least some of the time. It's not about him getting everything he wants all the time and her getting nothing. It's about not having a three day agrument about what to do. It's about being a smooth running team.

If you play together well, you can usually get both what you want and what he wants done. It's a low drama, results orientated approach to a relationship.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Syrum said:


> While I don't agree with much of the other stuff written on your blog, that piece is very well written and when I get married I would like my relationship to be very much like that.


Everything else on the blog supports that post.


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