# I've been married 3 weeks and all we do is fight



## escd (May 31, 2016)

I'm at a loss. Clearly. I've never been on an internet forum. 

My husband and I have been married for 3 weeks and I don't know what to do about the fighting.

Before I married my husband, I had seen him "lose his ****" maybe 3 or 4 times. What that means is, this guy who is calm, sweet, considerate, kind, and generally nice to be around 99% of the time would suddenly get raging upset at the drop of a hat. When he gets like this, he storms in and out of rooms, raises his voice (often yells), swears, points his finger, face turns red, slams doors, is totally irrational, often gets in the car and leaves (no matter what I say), score keeps by bringing up everything he's ever done for me, uses things I've done out of context against me, etc. 

No matter what I say or do during those times, it's like he's so far gone into some other place in his mind, I cannot bring him back to earth. I'm not the kind of person who screams, yells, name calls, etc. So, while we were dating, I would stay calm, keep my tone level, I'd try to validate him, I'd acknowledge the good things he was doing, I'd acknowledge his feelings, I'd apologize for my part, I'd explain my side, I'd encourage a solution, etc. (I was in therapy a few years ago for a traumatic event and learned all the recommended ways to handle conflict - and really well, too.). These things would rarely work. He'd be a maniac until, finally, something would click and he'd come back to his senses and apologize. Him coming back to his senses though would take hours.

In the 3 weeks we've been married, he's lost it 5 or 6 times. 

I am not exaggerating in the slightest when I say that he loses it over the most ridiculous things - none of which are ever when we are in a fight or talking about a sensitive topic. For example:
-He had had a really stressful day at work. He came home and we both discussed it and him going to the gym to blow off some work stress (he really likes to use the gym to destress). I told him to go to the gym so he could feel better. I wrapped my arms around him, told him I loved him, and told him to go to the gym and to not be gone *too* long. He absolutely erupted. Because I said not to be gone *too long.* 

-We were driving down the street at the end of a really wonderful day together. We'd spent the day doing projects, having dinner with family, and had been over the moon happy. We were discussing our forthcoming wedding reception (we were unable to have it the day of our marriage). We were discussing what we would like to wear to our reception. I asked him if he'd like to wear a tie and he erupted. It turned into a fight that lasted for hours and well into the next day. 

That's the thing: almost none of these eruptions happen due to some tension or fight. I will say something completely loving, kind, and benign and he goes insane. The first time this happened when we were dating, I was so caught off guard by it that I almost left him. He said he'd do anything to save the relationship and I told him he needed therapy. We've been going to a therapist for about 3 or 4 sessions now. 

I wasn't naive enough to think that if I married him, he'd never have one of these nuclear meltdowns. We are both in our 30s, both have been in relationships before (though never married), I have a Master's degree, I'm smart, I'm independent, I have a huge understanding of human condition, and I'm a great communicator in conflict. I completely expected him to do this during marriage. However, I was perhaps dumb enough to believe it would be a rare event AND that it would become even more rare since he'd agreed to/was in couples therapy. Never in my wildest dreams did I expect that in 3 weeks of marriage, it would happen far more than it ever happened during our courtship AND usually over increasingly benign things.

I'm also distraught at what it's doing to me. I've greatly prided myself on my conflict resolution skills that I spent years cultivating. Even the therapist has said that I clearly have been through therapy if I know how to fight kindly and fairly: lots of acknowledging, compromise, calm tone, etc. But, none of me at my best works on him when he's on the rage. He's told the therapist that, to him, he doesn't feel I am being sincere or I seem condescending. In the last few fights, I've been turning into something I'm not: screaming back at him, storming out of rooms, saying things I don't mean, etc. It's not like I want to be this way - it feels very much that it's not who I am, it's not how I'd ever want to fight. But, he doesn't listen to me when I'm loving and rational. And, in clearly an unhealthy way, it feels like I'm taking my power back by meeting his aggression. When he comes to his senses, he always apologizes. But, it's starting to be harder for me to forgive him. My mind has now many times gone to the place of thinking of ending my marriage. Something I swore I'd never do - I never wanted a divorce.

I don't know what to do. Is my marriage ending already?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Escd,
He needs to agree to go to counseling. Because what he's doing now - is attempting to set the template for your marriage. 

That's what the first year is. Template setting. 

If he refuses counseling you only have one move. And I think you know what that is. 





escd said:


> I'm at a loss. Clearly. I've never been on an internet forum.
> 
> My husband and I have been married for 3 weeks and I don't know what to do about the fighting.
> 
> ...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Get an annulment, pronto! He has serious issues that will drag you down and make you miserable. He isn't worth it.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

The first year of marriage is a huge adjustment. The reality of being with your partner FOR LIFE and all that entails sets in. Some people handle the adjustment better than others. 

If you want my guess, he IS stressed, holds it in, tries to control it, and ends up erupting/venting when it's too much to contain. You are saying loving and kind things trying to resolve conflict, but he's already feeling stress and tension that has accumulated over days/weeks/months. From his point of view, you aren't "getting it" because he's all amped up and you are calm and contained. Which might explain his belief that you aren't being sincere. From his point of view, how can anyone who sincerely cares, get's it, and is in this with him NOT be freaking out?

He needs to learn how to manage stress, tension, and anger. Working out at the gym helps, but he needs to learn other methods, too. He also needs to understand that because you aren't also getting all amped up doesn't mean you don't care or are being insincere.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> Get an annulment, pronto! He has serious issues that will drag you down and make you miserable. He isn't worth it.


I agree. See a lawyer NOW and see if you can file for an annulment. You cannot stay with this man. He held it together long enough to get through the marriage, but the man you see now is the real man.

Let me put this another way. Your husband has serious psychological problems. You were unaware of the severity of them prior to the marriage. In other words you were deceived. This is why an annulment is the way to go. If granted it will be as if the marriage never took place. You keep your stuff, he keeps his stuff, and you go your separate ways.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

MJJEAN said:


> The first year of marriage is a huge adjustment. The reality of being with your partner FOR LIFE and all that entails sets in. Some people handle the adjustment better than others.
> 
> If you want my guess, he IS stressed, holds it in, tries to control it, and ends up erupting/venting when it's too much to contain. You are saying loving and kind things trying to resolve conflict, but he's already feeling stress and tension that has accumulated over days/weeks/months. From his point of view, you aren't "getting it" because he's all amped up and you are calm and contained. Which might explain his belief that you aren't being sincere. From his point of view, how can anyone who sincerely cares, get's it, and is in this with him NOT be freaking out?
> 
> He needs to learn how to manage stress, tension, and anger. Working out at the gym helps, but he needs to learn other methods, too. He also needs to understand that because you aren't also getting all amped up doesn't mean you don't care or are being insincere.


You may be right, but I do not think that it is his wife's job to cure his mental problems. That's asking a lot. If they'd been married three years, that would be one thing, but three weeks...!!!


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

If they behave like a toddler, treat him like a toddler! 

In all seriousness, temper tantrums (or mantrums as I call 'em) as a way of getting attention. 
Ignore, be cold & he will likely stop. 
Don't even look at him, turn & leave the room. 


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You sound a LOT like me in my first marriage - emotionally mature, self-aware, diplomatic, and understanding. Unfortunately, I spent 13 years thinking I could achieve the same you are attempting with your husband. Like you, I was aware of his issues before marriage, married him anyway, and thought we'd communicate through anything. He didn't have anger issues, but he was without empathy, condescending, critical, and unkind. He knew how to drive the knife in at just the right spot. It was so unlike me to use the tactics he did, and I found myself spending more time defending myself after 13 years than enjoying anything with him. 

Your husband has serious issues that you didn't cause and you can't cure. 

Leave now, you can do much better. Don't waste your years with a person that makes you have to walk on egg shells.


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## jsr2994 (May 31, 2016)

Sounds like to me he is bi-polar and unless you want to live with someone snaps like that I would run for the hills.


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

You witnessed this behavior before you got married and still decided to tie the knot? :surprise:

Run like the chill autumn wind, woman.


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## niceguy28 (May 6, 2016)

escd said:


> I'm at a loss. Clearly. I've never been on an internet forum.
> 
> My husband and I have been married for 3 weeks and I don't know what to do about the fighting.
> 
> ...


Were you all living together before? Did anything other than you getting married change. Any other issues he might be dealing with or lingering resentment issues. I doubt he just put on a front to get you to marry him so something else must be going on. Him acting like this is definitely not OK. He needs to get some counseling or medical tests done asap. If he can't control this you need to leave as 10 years from now you will be complaining about the same thing and it might be worse.


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## Beautiful-day-I-hope (Jul 17, 2015)

Wow! My heart goes out to you.

What I am about to say comes from experience and I wish I had someone tell me what I'm about to say, back when I was 1 month into my marriage (if not before) because I feel I would probably not gone ahead with getting married. Although I love my husband and we have been together for 16 years (married for nearly 14) and I have no plans of leaving, I know that I could have been happier with someone else.

So the thing I want to say and I want you to think long and hard about is........
If this is what he is like now (so early in your marriage) then unless he gets some very serious help, this is how he will always be or get worse and one day things could actually turn physical towards you.
I can assure you, marriage does NOT miraculously make things better, I think it can make things worse because the offender thinks that the other person will never leave, that person is glued to me for life now etc.
If he feels so comfortable with you already that he is willing to show this side of him so soon into your marriage, says a lot I think.
I know you said you are already in therapy together but I would be telling him that this issue is the only issue that WILL be worked on in therapy until it is solved or if it can't be solved then you need to make it clear to him that you are better than this, that you do not deserve to be treated this way by ANYONE and you are more than willing to walk away from this marriage.
Trust me, if you do not stick up for yourself now and in a very stern way, then this is what your future will be like with this man and then in 14 years time, you will have to take some of the blame as to why you got where you are at the 14 year mark and it will be because you did not teach him that this behavior is not ok towards you or anyone for that matter.
For him to be in his 30's and behave like this, tells me that no one has ever stood up to him and said no, you will NOT treat me like this.
If you do not stick up for yourself, then is all this is saying to him is that it's ok to do this to you and it will give him no reason to change his ways.

I wish you all the luck in the world, I think you are going to need it sadly.
I know it's a shattering thought that your marriage could end so soon but don't make the biggest mistake of your life and stay just because it's so soon, or because the wedding cost so much, or because your parents would be so upset, or because of any stupid reasons like this, none of these are worth being treated like trash for your entire marriage.
I can assure you that those who love you (parents, friends etc) would much prefer to see you safe and happy than see you ending of very unhealthy marriage so soon, especially once they knew the full truth because I would guess that so far, you have kept this secret from those close to you (apart from maybe the therapist) and you would be doing this out of embarrassment, shame etc and trust me, this only gives him more power to continue his behavior.


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## TurtleRun (Oct 18, 2013)

Annulment. Yikes this sounds like a nightmare. this is suppose to be the honeymoon stage. It will only get worse 😬


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

OP

I'm going to ask another question. Is your husband juicing at the gym? Taking steroids, or some type of steroid supplement that they say isn't steroids but really is?

I've seen the nicest guys go totally ape**** crazy after they started juicing. A workout friend and I had to physically restrain a guy in the gym locker until he calmed down once when another patron asked him how his day was. Seriously. That's all that took to set him off. Unfortunately the juicer got banned from the gym for that episode. 

That stuff isn't worth the muscle gain. 

This may not even be close to what's going on, but it's a possibility. Or, he could be bi polar or have some other issues as stated above. 

Don't accept that behaviour. He thinks he can get away with it now in the marriage. And the longer you placate him with support, the more he will accept that you will put up with it. 

Perhaps you need to ban him from the marriage for a few weeks until he gets his head out of his arse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

In the great majority of cases, it would be wonderful to have someone like you. Here, I worry it may be counterproductive and he may take advantage of you, and you may want to consider annulment. 

My dad told me a story in the army about a guy who had a terrible temper and warned people about it since he could erupt. Once he did that with a sergeant, who gave him a tough punch in the kidney area and knocked him out. The guy never lost his temper around the sergeant again. Kruschev was a bellicose individual and when Kennedy met him he tried to calm him down. K thought Kennedy was weak and the perception of weakness almost caused a war. 

There seem to be serious problems and annulment has to be considered. If not, then you have to consider a new approach. I would curse at him, scream at his level and get in his face. You better find out now whether it is going to get violent since coddling him in these temper tantrums is not the right approach. Letting someone walk all over you does not help in any context.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does your husband ever blow up like this around anyone else? Does it do it at work? Does he do this in stores even when you are not there?


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

MEM2020 said:


> That's what the first year is. Template setting.


Huh, never thought of it that way.


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## escd (May 31, 2016)

I don't know if anyone will ever see this update, but I'm leaving it anyway.

I am the original poster. I am the one who was married for three weeks and didn't know what to do about my out-of-control husband.

Thank you all so much for your advice. I divorced him.

I left him about three weeks after I posted this originally and never went back. In my state, I was unable to get an annulment. Divorce was just fine by me. While it took about six months to get a divorce, I never looked back after six weeks of marriage.

You were all correct: he was abusive, mentally ill, and staying with him would have been destructive to my emotional health (and I truly think he would have killed me).

To anyone reading this: DO NOT STAY. DO not think of yourself (and your partner) as the exception. LEAVE. Leave. LEAVE! Don't try therapy, don't try to be the best wife you can, don't try to stay around because your parents are divorced/your religion looks down upon divorce/because you swore you'd never get divorced/whatever. LEAVE.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

thanks for coming back and giving us an update. So glad that you got yourself free of the nightmare and are in a position to advise others.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Good job !!! You saved yourself. Many ladies here That wish they had done the same as you. 

You said you had good conflict resolution skills....dump and run is indeed a resolution.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

escd said:


> I don't know if anyone will ever see this update, but I'm leaving it anyway.
> 
> I am the original poster. I am the one who was married for three weeks and didn't know what to do about my out-of-control husband.
> 
> ...


 @escd Thank you for being kind and considerate enough to come back and update your story.

I am very pleased you were able to escape from that Jekyll and Hyde monster.

Please stick around. We need wisdom like yours on TAM.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

escd said:


> I don't know if anyone will ever see this update, but I'm leaving it anyway.
> 
> I am the original poster. I am the one who was married for three weeks and didn't know what to do about my out-of-control husband.
> 
> ...


Thank you for the update! Positive updates are very needed here on TAM.

I'm so glad you left him just 3 weeks after posting and thus avoided being dragged down by him!

Just a question: do you think you would have stayed longer had you not posted on TAM and gotten a reality check?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Great update OP. You did the right thing. The reality is, that you can have all the conflict resolution skills and be the fairest fighter in the world, but if your spouse doesn't there's not much you can do. 

I have no doubt he would have killed you too eventually, these situations have a nasty way of escalating quickly.

So glad to hear you're out of there x


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Totally different thought, is it food related? I get what I call "Carb Rage". I try to maintain a more Atkins protien type diet.

If I were to eat a plate of spagetti, I would feel extreme anger filling me up. Since I know that, I don't eat pasta.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Good for you for knowing you needed to get out and actually following through. Your post and courage just may help someone else find the nerve they need to get out of a bad situation! Thank you for updating and I hope you stick around. 



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