# Men--normal to not have your own friends?



## yellowstar

Husband moved to where I grew up after we got married, been here for awhile now. He was never super close with his friends at home but I'm sure if we lived there we'd be hanging out with them over the years. But where we have lived the past 10yrs (still do), he hasn't made any friends...a little bit with some co workers, but they're mostly female and boundaries were set up with that. Sometimes I feel badly when I hear of other guys going out together or doing stuff (like hunting, movies, bars, paintball etc) and he never does. I should add that my husband doesn't drink or fish or anything, he probably would like paintball though. 

He did go to the gym more but stopped with the kids so he could be home to help and because of $$$. He said he eventually will go back but is fine with it now. Just once we got into an argument about him feeling like he couldn't go out if he wanted to with people from work and I said if there are mostly guys there I have no problem, I wish he would have brought it up at the time. From that discussion we resolved it and I said I want him to be happy and if he wants to go out with them please just tell me and I'll be fine with it. 

I've asked him since and he said it really hasn't come up again with people there (especially since it's mostly girls). Besides this conversation, I don't think he *minds* not having friends or anything, but I'm sure he'd be happier overall (I think). We do have some couple friends we see now and then and that's about it. Most of our social outings are because of me (my friends, couple friends, kids' friends/parties, my family). I can tell when we do socialize that he *does* have a good time, he likes the interaction etc. When we met we had the same group of friends but overall he is more of a 'loner', like friends with the group but not really close to any. 

So my question is, is this normal? Do other guys not have their own friends and are still happy with life? He always says he's happy and that honestly there isn't much time between work, kids, house projects etc. For me personally, I'd find groups, go to meetups, etc but I'm not sure if he would or not, he's more shy. But I guess if he really wanted to he could on his own...So what say you? Should I not worry about it? What do you guys do?


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## Starstarfish

My husband has absolutely no friends he sees outside of work. I am the transplant to a new area, he's lived here his whole life. 

He had a best friend. However -his BF's wife was and still is best friends with my husband's ex-wife. And that created some really bad drama - so that friendship fell apart. 

But - my H seems to be about the same. He feels little to no compulsion, and is perfectly happy spending his time with me, as a family with our son, or by himself. With the occasional social interaction with others via a work outing. But his pastime is video games, so - that doesn't lend itself to camaraderie as other things might. 

So - whether or not its "normal" - he certainly isn't the only one.


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## LoriC

My Husband has no friends either. The only friends he has are our mutual couple friends. And he has lived here his whole life. He doesn't seem to be at all bothered by this. I used to be bothered that he didn't go out with any guy friends because I always have had friends to go out with. After 22 years I'm over it. 

I don't think you should be too worried. Be happy that he wants to be with you and the family. I am able to appreciate this now.


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## jaquen

Friendship is imperative and of extreme importance to my wife and I. I have a lot of friends, far more than my wife, and almost none of them are mutual friends. Where I live, what I do for a career, almost every single man I know has multiple real, true friends. There is not a single man that is close to me who is friendless.

Having said that TAM has taught me that LOTS of men, especially married men, don't have friends. It both blows and boggles my mind. I find the thought absolutely horrendous. We are built to be social creatures, and same sex socialization is historically an enormous part of human interaction and development. It still is in a lot of parts of the world. But as the West has become less community driven, and more romance/marriage and heterosocially focused, male friendships among married men are falling by the wayside I've discovered. A lot of men are being socialized to believe that hanging out and spending time with your friends is something you do before marriage, and that after marriage your life should be solely about your spouse, kids and career. 

You might want to check out this thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/60910-i-miss-my-friends.html

Also keep in mind that is can be very difficult for men to make new friends as they get older. There are actually quite a few books, blogs, and videos on the market designed to help grown men feel comfortable making new friends with other men. For some men the anxiety, and awkwardness, of forming new, strong bonds with other men is just as difficult, and in a lot cases more difficult, than trying to start a relationship with a woman!


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## sparkyjim

Men are not as sociable as women. Women pal up, get chummy, hug, talk about their feelings, go shopping together.

Men need an excuse to hang out. We hunt, we bowl, we play softball. We don't have book clubs where we talk about how the book made us feel.

I have a few friends. I play softball with them, play music, coach soccer. All of these relationships are superficial. We are not going to talk much about how we feel about things. Just not going to happen.

Besides, there are always too many things to do at home. Kids have to be carted around. Lawns need mowing. The wife is at home and it's late and she's soft and warm, and "I gotta go now guys. See you next game."

Yes, your husband should have a friend or two. But it's not going to help if you worry about it and he will be quite happy without one. Hopefully he has his own interests, so that when he retires he gets his ass up and out of the house so that he doesn't drive you crazy

p.s. I totally agree with jaquen....


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## jaquen

sparkyjim said:


> Men need an excuse to hang out. We hunt, we bowl, we play softball. We don't have book clubs where we talk about how the book made us feel.
> 
> I have a few friends. I play softball with them, play music, coach soccer. All of these relationships are superficial. We are not going to talk much about how we feel about things. Just not going to happen.


Yes sparkyjim is so right, this characterizes a lot of men's friendships. Hobby/activity based, not very deep. 

It's the total opposite of my friendships, which is probably why I have a difficult time grasping life without friends. All my close friendships run deep, regardless of the sex of my friends. I am, by nature, a very open, expressive, deep running human being and I expect the same from all the people who are close to me in my life. I tell my friends I love them, male and female. I talk often, and openly with my best friends. Those were the priorities of my life, and I've lived my life in a way that now affords me very rich, very strong, vital friendships that are far more like family than they are anything else (and in some instances closer than family). I've become that person that the men in my life feel comfortable coming to and expressing their deepest thoughts, even if they can't talk as freely and openly to the other males (or females) in their lives. I am both humbled and grateful to be able to have that kind of position in any person's life. I am blessed.

But honestly this comes from a painful history of having pretty crappy male blood relatives in my life growing up, and going out of my way to open myself up and create new family, a new brotherhood. Sometimes our greatest gifts come out of our most desperate needs. I give a TON of myself, and thank God I get a ton back.

Clearly I'm the poster boy for friendship! :rofl:


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## Mavash.

My husband has friends but they don't hang out and he doesn't talk to them often. He doesn't seem to care. He gets enough socializing at work that by the time he gets home he's content to just hang out with me and the kids.

We're both introverted which means our social needs are less than most.


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## yellowstar

jaquen said:


> Having said that TAM has taught me that LOTS of men, especially married men, don't have friends. It both blows and boggles my mind. I find the thought absolutely horrendous. We are built to be social creatures, and same sex socialization is historically an enormous part of human interaction and development. It still is in a lot of parts of the world. But as the West has become less community driven, and more romance/marriage and heterosocially focused, male friendships among married men are falling by the wayside I've discovered. A lot of men are being socialized to believe that hanging out and spending time with your friends is something you do before marriage, and that after marriage your life should be solely about your spouse, kids and career.
> 
> You might want to check out this thread:
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/60910-i-miss-my-friends.html
> 
> Also keep in mind that is can be very difficult for men to make new friends as they get older. There are actually quite a few books, blogs, and videos on the market designed to help grown men feel comfortable making new friends with other men. For some men the anxiety, and awkwardness, of forming new, strong bonds with other men is just as difficult, and in a lot cases more difficult, than trying to start a relationship with a woman!


I just wanted to say that BEFORE we dated, husband has always been like this. He had friends but none of them were very deep...friends for playing a sport, going to the gym, going to parties with etc and it was easier then because it was college. He had friends in his professional school too but everyone is now spread out. I don't think he felt like he had to give up friends after marriage (I would actually encourage him to keep in touch or to go to see some etc) but he just felt like he didn't have the time or it wasn't worth all the effort. We did go visit his family and then saw some of his hometown friends in the past but now we go less often (just busier). I'm always game to doing something, visiting his friends etc but he usually chooses not to. I will say that a few weeks ago he decided for all of us to go to a work party (which he hasn't in the past) and he really liked the turnout, we all had fun! So I don't know if its "oh we have kids we can't socialize now" but instead someone who is already very introverted, has his own interests and also now a lot busier with life in general. 



sparkyjim said:


> Men are not as sociable as women. Women pal up, get chummy, hug, talk about their feelings, go shopping together.
> 
> Men need an excuse to hang out. We hunt, we bowl, we play softball. We don't have book clubs where we talk about how the book made us feel.
> 
> I have a few friends. I play softball with them, play music, coach soccer. All of these relationships are superficial. We are not going to talk much about how we feel about things. Just not going to happen.
> 
> Besides, there are always too many things to do at home. Kids have to be carted around. Lawns need mowing. The wife is at home and it's late and she's soft and warm, and "I gotta go now guys. See you next game."
> 
> Yes, your husband should have a friend or two. But it's not going to help if you worry about it and he will be quite happy without one. Hopefully he has his own interests, so that when he retires he gets his ass up and out of the house so that he doesn't drive you crazy
> 
> p.s. I totally agree with jaquen....


Yes he has his own interests for sure! And he enjoys working on house projects, some of them are really 'extra' projects but he enjoys doing them. He also loves being a dad and does stuff with our kids on his own accord. I think when he goes back to the gym he'll be happier too (I'm going to drop the line in conversation--just say something like I know you want to go and I'm all for it  Even though its not socializing SO much, it is a little bit of some socializing outside of work and home which is good. 



Mavash. said:


> My husband has friends but they don't hang out and he doesn't talk to them often. He doesn't seem to care. He gets enough socializing at work that by the time he gets home he's content to just hang out with me and the kids.
> 
> We're both introverted which means our social needs are less than most.



Yes husband also tells me when he comes back from work he's not so interested in talking to others or even talking about work. When we do social things on the weekend (like parties or couple friends) he mostly enjoys it, depends on who of course  

Thanks everyone.


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## heartsbeating

jaquen said:


> But honestly this comes from a painful history of having pretty crappy male blood relatives in my life growing up, and going out of my way to open myself up and create new family, a new brotherhood. Sometimes our greatest gifts come out of our most desperate needs. I give a TON of myself, and thank God I get a ton back.


Interesting to read this. My husband essentially grew up without male role models/relatives in his life. He respects friendships too - creating a new type of 'family' in this way.

Although it was really when things were rocky between us that he recognized the lack of friends in his life and as part of his/our journey from that point on, it was something he consciously sought. We are transplants to this city and love being social. We now find ourselves surrounded by a fantastic and varied group of friends. He's still looking to getting into hobbies and interests but he meets up with friends for a drink after work every so often. For the most part, we tend to socialize as a couple with other couples (there's a few singles too) and consider them good friends. He places a high value on friendship and the people we surround ourselves with. We recently celebrated his birthday, invited around 20 of his/our friends who pretty much all ensured they were there...he said it was one of the best birthdays, being surrounded by friends, good conversation and laughter, and that means a lot to him. I think the importance to him/us also relates to us putting roots down in this city and having that 'family' of good people around us.


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## JCD

Nope, no current friends. I"ve had friends. Time has taken them far away and I haven't maintained contact (note...neither have they)

I have some people I know and would share a beer or a movie with, but friends? Not particularly.

I would rather invest that time with my wife and kids. I spend little enough time with them. Why waste it on people who aren't my blood?

Wait...I have one guy right now who probably fits the bill. But I don't expect a whole lot from him nor he from me. But I consider him a friend. He is a former roommate.

Men form bonds by group association. I had friends in the military and I made friends with room mates and fellow hobbiests. But when those relationships ended, so did the friendships.

There are one or two people from my past whom I'd still be there for...but we don't keep in touch.


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## eves

Pretty much no friends outside of very good acquaintances. I just don't care. I hear from some friends from college (almost 20 years ago) every once in a while. But we're all over the country and we rarely see each other. I don't do social media sites of any sort so even those kinds of relationships our out. Again, I just don't care. 

I work, take care of my family and home, I have some hobbies.... Outside of my relationship with my wife and a recent loss in our lives I am content.


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## Caribbean Man

Funny reading this thread.
Before marriage and early in our marriage I had lots of friends.
Now I basically have acquaintances.
I mostly go out with my wife now.
I like going to the gym, have lots of work out buddies there, but they are not really my " friends."
On the other hands, my wife has lots of girlfriends and they're always active.


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## ericthesane

Friends... outside marriage friends.. male friends.. are important... it is more than important.

I have 3 friends from childhood, but they live a continent away...

I absolutely miss friendships with males too.... and by friends, I don't mean acquaintances.


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## southbound

I have acquaintances, but no real friends, and I'm divorced. I am fairly close with my brother and cousin, but we're not tied at the hip. Outside of that i don't have anybody that I'm deep with.


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## hookares

southbound said:


> I have acquaintances, but no real friends, and I'm divorced. I am fairly close with my brother and cousin, but we're not tied at the hip. Outside of that i don't have anybody that I'm deep with.


Take out the relatives from the equation and that is my station in life , as well. The few friends I had when married, I left behind when relocating after the split. I guess I could try to make some, but the road is getting pretty short and it would just be a matter of time when it appeared to be of convenience.


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## jaquen

heartsbeating said:


> Interesting to read this. My husband essentially grew up without male role models/relatives in his life. He respects friendships too - creating a new type of 'family' in this way.
> 
> Although it was really when things were rocky between us that he recognized the lack of friends in his life and as part of his/our journey from that point on, it was something he consciously sought. We are transplants to this city and love being social. We now find ourselves surrounded by a fantastic and varied group of friends. He's still looking to getting into hobbies and interests but he meets up with friends for a drink after work every so often. For the most part, we tend to socialize as a couple with other couples (there's a few singles too) and consider them good friends. He places a high value on friendship and the people we surround ourselves with. We recently celebrated his birthday, invited around 20 of his/our friends who pretty much all ensured they were there...he said it was one of the best birthdays, being surrounded by friends, good conversation and laughter, and that means a lot to him. I think the importance to him/us also relates to us putting roots down in this city and having that 'family' of good people around us.


Exactly. Friends are the family you get the priviledge to chose, and I live by that. So does my wife. They are imperative to our lives. But they aren't unique. TAM is the only place I've ever been that has this many men who are friendless. No matter how many of these "I don't have any friends and I don't care" posts I read I still manage to be totally floored by the reality I see reflected here.


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## hambone

yellowstar said:


> Husband moved to where I grew up after we got married, been here for awhile now. He was never super close with his friends at home but I'm sure if we lived there we'd be hanging out with them over the years. But where we have lived the past 10yrs (still do), he hasn't made any friends...a little bit with some co workers, but they're mostly female and boundaries were set up with that. Sometimes I feel badly when I hear of other guys going out together or doing stuff (like hunting, movies, bars, paintball etc) and he never does. I should add that my husband doesn't drink or fish or anything, he probably would like paintball though.
> 
> He did go to the gym more but stopped with the kids so he could be home to help and because of $$$. He said he eventually will go back but is fine with it now. Just once we got into an argument about him feeling like he couldn't go out if he wanted to with people from work and I said if there are mostly guys there I have no problem, I wish he would have brought it up at the time.  From that discussion we resolved it and I said I want him to be happy and if he wants to go out with them please just tell me and I'll be fine with it.
> 
> I've asked him since and he said it really hasn't come up again with people there (especially since it's mostly girls). Besides this conversation, I don't think he *minds* not having friends or anything, but I'm sure he'd be happier overall (I think). We do have some couple friends we see now and then and that's about it. Most of our social outings are because of me (my friends, couple friends, kids' friends/parties, my family). I can tell when we do socialize that he *does* have a good time, he likes the interaction etc. When we met we had the same group of friends but overall he is more of a 'loner', like friends with the group but not really close to any.
> 
> So my question is, is this normal? Do other guys not have their own friends and are still happy with life? He always says he's happy and that honestly there isn't much time between work, kids, house projects etc. For me personally, I'd find groups, go to meetups, etc but I'm not sure if he would or not, he's more shy. But I guess if he really wanted to he could on his own...So what say you? Should I not worry about it? What do you guys do?


I gave up some friends and activities after I got married and had kids. We got pregnant 6 weeks in so..... it all happened kind of simultaneously.

I did't feel like I gave anything up.. My priorities changed. I would rather be with my wife and kids than doing those activities..

Fast forward.. I retired 12 years ago when my kids 7 and 9. I spent a lot of time involved in their activities. I went on every field trip... every play, concert, back to school night. went to every basketball and soccer practice... Made every game.. except when they were both playing a the same time. 

All of my friends are pretty much couples we met when our kids were playing soccer or basketball together. 

Or couples we met at church. And then my wife's family is pretty tight. We all get together on every holiday. 

Until I retired. I really didn't have time for a lot of friends.


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## Tall Average Guy

JCD said:


> I would rather invest that time with my wife and kids. I spend little enough time with them. Why waste it on people who aren't my blood?


This is me in large part. I have a couple very close friends, and some acquaintances. Time is far and away my most valuable asset. I have very little of due to work. So I choose to invest it in my relationships with my wife and kids. I do things with other men, but it is grabbing a beer once a month or playing poker at one of the neighbors houses.

I will say I have always been like this, in that I have few people I consider a true friend.


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## hambone

Tall Average Guy said:


> This is me in large part. I have a couple very close friends, and some acquaintances. Time is far and away my most valuable asset. I have very little of due to work. So I choose to invest it in my relationships with my wife and kids. I do things with other men, but it is grabbing a beer once a month or playing poker at one of the neighbors houses.
> 
> I will say I have always been like this, in that I have few people I consider a true friend.


That's the way it always is. You'll have a FEW friends who are truly friends. Who will come pull out of a ditch at 1am...

Then.. you have a lot of acquaintances that you might call "friends"... but they really aren't. They are just acquaintances.


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## Kobo

I have 4 close friends and 10 to 15 more good friends. One of my close friends is my brother who lives 5 minutes away. I don't agree with the majority of people who seem to enjoy living in a sort of inner family bubble. I don't see the need to lose your friendships because you have a wife, kids and a house. My friendships are in groups so this past weekend I had a few friends over for a bar-b-que. This weekend I'll be going mountain biking with another group of friends. A few weeks ago I went driving in the mountains with another group. I've still been able to make all the end of year recitals and award ceremonies. Dates with wifey, pour a concrete slab, build a shed, and maintain the yard. What does suffer is TV and computer time which are generally black-holes anyway. I also believe your wife seeing you active and not home bound keeps up the attraction. JMO


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## Trickster

I have very few real friends. I have a few buddies we meet up at happy hour, but they are not real friends. I have a few hobbies. One was sculling. That lasted about 6 month until I felt guilty for being away from home on Sunday mornings. We would all meet up after the row for breakfast. 

For now, our friends are the parents of our daughters friends. I wouldn't really call them friends either. We did spend Thanksgiving and New Years with the.

For over 20 years now, it's been my wife and I. 

I do see your desire for your husband to venture out to make friends... That is something that I want for myself. I am working on it.


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## yellowstar

Kobo said:


> I don't see the need to lose your friendships because you have a wife, kids and a house. My friendships are in groups so this past weekend I had a few friends over for a bar-b-que. This weekend I'll be going mountain biking with another group of friends. A few weeks ago I went driving in the mountains with another group. I've still been able to make all the end of year recitals and award ceremonies. Dates with wifey, pour a concrete slab, build a shed, and maintain the yard. What does suffer is TV and computer time which are generally black-holes anyway. I also believe your wife seeing you active and not home bound keeps up the attraction. JMO


I just want to reiterate that in my situation, I don't think husband dropped friends because of wife and kids, but because we moved, he was never super social to begin with, it's easy to have friends where you grew up and in college but then in a new area and mostly working with females, it would take a lot of effort for him to make friends. Then you throw in wife and kids with a busy schedule, I can see how we got to where we are now. I wish he *did* have a couple of good guy friends here for the reasons you mentioned but he seems content. He said after the kids get a little older (one is a toddler, not in school yet and the other is due in a couple of months so newborn stage) then he'll at least go back to the gym where there are at least some acquaintances of his. I'm not going to force him or push him into making friends for MY sake but was just curious


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## jaquen

Had a great day on Sunday with one of my best friends. We hadn't hung out in a few months. Hit the transit museum, out for burgers, and then rented a zipcar and spent a few hours on an inner city mini-road trip listening to a great music mix he made and getting in some great bro-time. Came home, told my wife all about the great time we had, and spent the evening enjoying her company.

I can't imagine sacrificing days like that. Why would I want to? They don't happen often, but what's important is that they do happen. And they do nothing but enrich my life. Friendship is a gift from God, and one I happily cherish and work to give back.


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## yellowstar

I also realize now I should have asked this question specifically to dads, otherwise it's comparing apples to oranges. Kids takes up time and that is not necessarily a bad thing ;-)


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## jaquen

yellowstar said:


> I also realize now I should have asked this question specifically to dads, otherwise it's comparing apples to oranges. Kids takes up time and that is not necessarily a bad thing ;-)


I wonder if he responses will be the same. Because this is about the third or fourth TAM thread I've witnessed where most of the men were friendless, regardless of the parental status, and many barely had real friends before they even wed.

Also in my real life all of the people I know who are dads have friends. Every. Single. One.


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## yellowstar

jaquen said:


> I wonder if he responses will be the same. Because this is about the third or fourth TAM thread I've witnessed where most of the men were friendless, regardless of the parental status, and many barely had real friends before they even wed.
> 
> Also in my real life all of the people I know who are dads have friends. Every. Single. One.


Not sure, but I don't think one circumstance is necessarily better or worse than the other. I'm a super social person so for me, being like my husband would bother me. My husband on the other hand, is not so much like me but the few friends he had when we lived near them took up a little time in his life. He never seems to be bothered with it but I want him to know that I support him if he wants to make friends, know what I mean? And I get that is the "norm" amongst the people you know, but its obviously not that way for all men (from all the posts here). But I still think it's hard to compare dads to non-dads here, just simply due to time. Yes I have friends who are dads but comparing families w/kids to families w/out kids, it's just a COMPLETELY different dynamic.


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## jaquen

yellowstar said:


> Not sure, but I don't think one circumstance is necessarily better or worse than the other. I'm a super social person so for me, being like my husband would bother me. My husband on the other hand, is not so much like me but the few friends he had when we lived near them took up a little time in his life. He never seems to be bothered with it but I want him to know that I support him if he wants to make friends, know what I mean? And I get that is the "norm" amongst the people you know, but its obviously not that way for all men (from all the posts here). But I still think it's hard to compare dads to non-dads here, just simply due to time. Yes I have friends who are dads but comparing families w/kids to families w/out kids, it's just a COMPLETELY different dynamic.



I don't believe this. I believe, naturally, dads might have less time for friends (and I say might because all too often people without kids are automatically assumed to have so much more free time than parents, which is not always at all the case), but for those people for whom friendship is vital, they keep their friends. You do NOT need a ton of time to keep a real, true friend. They can't hang out like they did in college, but they'll always find a way to keep the channels open. This is the same for mothers as well. I would know, I know my fare share of parents, dispersed all over the world. 

Friendlessness is not the global norm. Most societies have incorporated in their social structure both parenthood and regular same sex social interactions. It is actually historically, and globally, an anomaly to even be expected to chose family over friendship. That isn't even the historic norm in the US.

So I can't buy that parenthood is what's killing friendship when there are _billions_ of examples to the contrary.


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## pb76no

Depends on definition. I have 3-4 guys I consider close friends. By that I mean I could call them up, out of the blue, day or night and know they would be there for me, doing just about anything I asked. But I don't hang out with any of them. I might go out with one of them maybe once every 3-6 months, but 2 of them I haven't seen or talked to in over 6 months. But I know they are there and they know I'm there. And we've each had times where we've leaned on them.


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## yellowstar

jaquen said:


> I don't believe this. I believe, naturally, dads might have less time for friends (and I say might because all too often people without kids are automatically assumed to have so much more free time than parents, which is not always at all the case), but for those people for whom friendship is vital, they keep their friends. You do NOT need a ton of time to keep a real, true friend. They can't hang out like they did in college, but they'll always find a way to keep the channels open. This is the same for mothers as well. I would know, I know my fare share of parents, dispersed all over the world.
> 
> Friendlessness is not the global norm. Most societies have incorporated in their social structure both parenthood and regular same sex social interactions. It is actually historically, and globally, an anomaly to even be expected to chose family over friendship. That isn't even the historic norm in the US.
> 
> So I can't buy that parenthood is what's killing friendship when there are _billions_ of examples to the contrary.


No but a parent who cares for her/his own kids has less time for others, period. I'm not going to argue semantics about this, we were married for 9yrs before having kids so I have *something* to compare it to. I never said parenthood is killing friendship, if you reread all my posts. How can parenthood kill friendship when I said my husband never had a bunch of friends before kids?  I clearly said when he 'lost' friends is when we moved. I said if a single guy (my husband at one point) has a few friends, but not close to them then gets married, and then has kids, he has less time overall (and while we both went to school working on terminal degrees during this time period of getting married). Of course this will change from person to person, but this post was originally about my husband and understanding if OTHER males were like this, from the replies it looks like this is pretty common. 

And no, you don't need a ton of time (especially with the internet) to keep in touch with friends if you CHOOSE to do so. My husband does not, but that is HIS choice.


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## Thundarr

jaquen said:


> Friendship is imperative and of extreme importance to my wife and I. I have a lot of friends, far more than my wife, and almost none of them are mutual friends. Where I live, what I do for a career, almost every single man I know has multiple real, true friends. There is not a single man that is close to me who is friendless.
> 
> Having said that TAM has taught me that LOTS of men, especially married men, don't have friends. It both blows and boggles my mind. I find the thought absolutely horrendous. We are built to be social creatures, and same sex socialization is historically an enormous part of human interaction and development. It still is in a lot of parts of the world. But as the West has become less community driven, and more romance/marriage and heterosocially focused, male friendships among married men are falling by the wayside I've discovered. A lot of men are being socialized to believe that hanging out and spending time with your friends is something you do before marriage, and that after marriage your life should be solely about your spouse, kids and career.
> 
> You might want to check out this thread:
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/60910-i-miss-my-friends.html
> 
> Also keep in mind that is can be very difficult for men to make new friends as they get older. There are actually quite a few books, blogs, and videos on the market designed to help grown men feel comfortable making new friends with other men. For some men the anxiety, and awkwardness, of forming new, strong bonds with other men is just as difficult, and in a lot cases more difficult, than trying to start a relationship with a woman!


:iagree:
It does end up that way for a lot of men. Personally I think there's room for friends when you're married and have kids. Just a shift in who they are a little bit to match priorities. It seems like a vulnerable relationship when there's just the wife and husband and not a social circle but hey what do I know. Maybe it works?

Without friends I guess my wife and I would be riding our bike alone (well with each other but couples is more fun), and I'd be playing golf by myself.


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## yellowstar

Thundarr said:


> :iagree:
> It does end up that way for a lot of men. Personally I think there's room for friends when you're married and have kids. Just a shift in who they are a little bit to match priorities. It seems like a vulnerable relationship when there's just the wife and husband and not a social circle but hey what do I know. Maybe it works?
> 
> Without friends I guess my wife and I would be riding our bike alone (well with each other but couples is more fun), and I'd be playing golf by myself.



Do you have little kids?

I definitely think there is room for friends with spouse and kids too (I have my own friends), but husband and friend situation was THE SAME before kids and me, so this is not a result of that. I would hope what you said doesn't make a marriage more vulnerable, especially when one spouse chooses not to make any new friends. Is that just anecdotal or did you read about that somewhere? It does make me wonder though, but then again, there's nothing I can do about it. If husband chooses this, that is his choice. I also think some of this will change when the kids are a bit older and can take care of themselves. Maybe not, I don't know. If we lived in husband's hometown, I'm sure we'd be hanging out with his friends or he would on his own (not too often but sometimes). But because we've moved for work, we've made couple friends through me or through kids, he doesn't really seem to want to make any friends outside of that, or at least not put any effort into that. 

I'm thinking of our schedules now and I imagine that if husband wanted to hang out with his own friends it would be possible but the times would be few and far between, so many he doesn't think it's worth the effort now. If I ever bring it up to him, he says he likes the way things are now, the people we do hang out with now and if an opportunity ever comes up again with a few guys from work, he'd go hang out but it's not like they have a long history of being friends. We recently moved (same town but newer house) and it seems like many of the couples around us are a bit older, so not sure if there are potential friends here. It's a work in progress I guess, but something I noticed more than husband...maybe meaning I should forget about it for now :scratchhead:


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## Stonewall

I have no real friends. I'm a loner and very happy to be that way. From my past if I did, it would most likely be with the girls. Thats just my personality. I have often wondered why. Even in high school decades ago if you wanted to find me, I would always be found in the middle of a pack of chicks.


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## Wiltshireman

I think some of the perceived difference comes from language. 

My wife has dozens of people she calls “friends”, other mothers from the schools our children attend, people she knows through work, neighbors and relatives. This group for her seems to change / morph over time with people moving in and out of favor.

I have 1 friend I have known since pre-school (whose ex-wife is the closest I have to a female best friend), 1 friend from my time in the military and one friend that used to be a neighbor before they moved 10 years ago. With these few people there is no pressure for regular contact, no penalty if you forget a birthday, no shame in asking for help. We can go months without contact then spend two hours on skype or arrange to meet up for the first time in a year and be able to pick up where we left off. I am lucky enough to have a similar relationship with my father and one of my brothers but they are family so that is a bit different.

Do not get me wrong I have a large circle of (mostly) guys that I can / do spend time with (at work, the car club, church, neighborhood events) but they are “mates” not friends.

IMHO if you have a half dozen true "Friends" over the course of your life you are a lucky person.


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## Thundarr

yellowstar said:


> Do you have little kids?
> 
> I definitely think there is room for friends with spouse and kids too (I have my own friends), but husband and friend situation was THE SAME before kids and me, so this is not a result of that. I would hope what you said doesn't make a marriage more vulnerable, especially when one spouse chooses not to make any new friends. Is that just anecdotal or did you read about that somewhere? It does make me wonder though, but then again, there's nothing I can do about it. If husband chooses this, that is his choice. I also think some of this will change when the kids are a bit older and can take care of themselves. Maybe not, I don't know. If we lived in husband's hometown, I'm sure we'd be hanging out with his friends or he would on his own (not too often but sometimes). But because we've moved for work, we've made couple friends through me or through kids, he doesn't really seem to want to make any friends outside of that, or at least not put any effort into that.
> 
> I'm thinking of our schedules now and I imagine that if husband wanted to hang out with his own friends it would be possible but the times would be few and far between, so many he doesn't think it's worth the effort now. If I ever bring it up to him, he says he likes the way things are now, the people we do hang out with now and if an opportunity ever comes up again with a few guys from work, he'd go hang out but it's not like they have a long history of being friends. We recently moved (same town but newer house) and it seems like many of the couples around us are a bit older, so not sure if there are potential friends here. It's a work in progress I guess, but something I noticed more than husband...maybe meaning I should forget about it for now :scratchhead:


Hey yellowstar,
I have kids but they are grown now 24, 23, and 21 and all moved out. Fortunately my brother and older sis had kids around the same age so we got together a lot while the kids were growing up. Granted it's hard to connect with other couples or friends when you're busy raising kids. Having siblings with kids who lived near by was nice.

I didn't read anything about it making a marriage stronger or weaker so I'm just pulling from personal experience. We seemed to be happier when interacting more with friends and family and not doing everything alone. So it's not anecdotal but it is presumptuous for me to assume it would be that way for everyone.

So you asked "...maybe meaning I should forget about it for now"? Well it's only one dynamic among many and I don't think it means much by it's self.


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