# Very complicated situation. Hubby cheated, now I have strong desire to cheat with..



## katie106 (Nov 13, 2011)

So I have been with this man for 9 years and have a son with him. He put me through h$ll the entire relationship in one form or another. He became abusive and I left him and did not talk to him for 3 months. During that time he had sex with people who were close to me but I had mentioned to him that they liked him (while we were together) and he blew it off and even got disrespectful saying I was crazy and delusional. When I left him, you might say that it was fair he had sex with someone else esp with me not talking to him, well, I was hoping he was a good man and wanted to work things out and was going to find a way to get me back. He did try calling me and writing me lame emails that were half love and half threats so I never responded. I finally called him and we began to work through things and I find out from other people he had sex with two of my friends. It was like pulling teeth to get an admission out of him. We got back together after splitting up and he is a changed man. He is very good to me and I deeply love and care about him. But we haven't been able to talk through it without it turning into an argument. We got married and he has gotten to the point he walks away if I bring it up so I try not to. But it is on my mind every day. Constantly. And now, I want to have sex with his old friend. They don't talk anymore but I have wanted to be with this man for years and actually was before ever dating my husband. I fantasize about him at least 3 times a week. It is overwhelming me... Help!


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

No, it's wasn't "fair" that he slept around on you when you left. You were still married.

You married him without fixing anything and now this where it's at...

Your friends are NOT your friends. Cut them out of your life now. Any friend who sleeps with a friend's husband is a b1tch. realize this and hold on to you dignity.

His abuse concerns me. This would be a no-brainer for me. Cut your losses....as painful as it may be.


----------



## katie106 (Nov 13, 2011)

We weren't married when we separated, just had been together for 6 years with a child and very devoted. I don't speak to anyone we were friends with before and neither does he. I left him because he became abusive and I would do it again in a heartbeat. So far he has been a completely different person. I just feel so angry still for what happened before. He asked me to marry him and I love him and I said yes. I can't imagine starting over and I don't know for sure how serious I am about the other guy. Mind you these are the only 2 men I have ever been with. I know the other guy feels the same way and to be honest my husband still makes comments about girls he sees and I don't say anything and that gets to me even more. I just can't imagine that my intuition told me that he was going to have sex with the 2 people he did end up having sex with and now my intuition is telling me that he still wants to have sex with other people. I even asked him about it and he said it's natural. But I think if your in a committed loving relationship you should be attracted to others but not want to have sex with them and just push the feelings to the side, the feelings should not be there. Am I totally wrong and do me and my husband both fight these urges or am I feeling betrayed and justified in wanting to be with this other man I do deeply care about. He was in our lives every day for years and I knew him even before my husband. I don't talk to this man anymore but I think about reaching out.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You were still committed when he cheated on you. It wasn't right, don't think it was.

He's a cheater, and he's proven this to you. And not just any cheater...he's someone who will go after your friends! He shows no remorse either.


----------



## katie106 (Nov 13, 2011)

Yeah and that is what really p!sses me off, the fact that I was so devoted to him, I believed in a real relationship and never even looking at another person in the wrong way. I was so careful to never even be even friends with my friends men! 6 years I loved him and he had me wrapped around his finger. I am half angry at myself for letting it go down the way it did and almost feel like that is half the reason I want to be with this other man. The other half I am mad that he took away my innocence with the whole relationship thing. I gave him everything, he f'd up bigtime and I give him a second chance. Maybe it is my fault a little bit for giving him a second chance but I thought I was sure and now I feel like he wants to pretend nothing happened, he wants the "perfect" I was before, well guess what! I am not what I was before, I don't trust AT ALL anymore and I have so much anger I don't want to hide my feelings for this other guy. But then I feel so bad, and then I feel so dirty and disguised with myself for thinking this, and then i think how much I love him, and then I get angry again. Ugh. And I am not some ****ty brat either, I'm a GOOD girl.


----------



## Bartimaus (Oct 15, 2011)

The last thing you want to do is sex with another. It will be a door that you will open that you will never be able to close in your conscience. Thus making you have more tendencies to be a big cheat the rest of your life. Do you want that?
You need a change of scenery MENTALLY. Get out of that mental rut and find a new hobby,a new church, or any activity that will get your mind off cheating and on to fixing your marriage. Change your thinking,don't cheat.


----------



## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

katie106 said:


> *now my intuition is telling me that he still wants to have sex with other people. I even asked him about it and he said it's natural. But I think if your in a committed loving relationship you should be attracted to others but not want to have sex with them * Am I totally wrong and do me and my husband both fight these urges or am I feeling betrayed and justified in wanting to be with this other man I do deeply care about. He was in our lives every day for years and I knew him even before my husband. I don't talk to this man anymore but I think about reaching out.


Wow,

Listen, biology and attraction are natural events. People experience desire all the time. It's the mature committed person who chooses not to act on the desire.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

that_girl said:


> You were still committed when he cheated on you. It wasn't right, don't think it was.
> 
> He's a cheater, and he's proven this to you. And not just any cheater...he's someone who will go after your friends! He shows no remorse either.


I agree! 

My ex h cheated with several women. Of course he denied it fully. I finally got solid proof when he tried sleeping with my friend just a few feet away.(I fell asleep on the couch). The next morning I packed my daughter, clothes and left. One of the women he was cheating with fell in love with him and they are married now. He has admitted to cheating on her to our daughter(which is wrong!) when she turned 16. Serial cheaters never stop cheating. If your sleeping with your h make sure he is wearing a condom. My ex gave me an STD while I was married to him. I was lucky that it was curable!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

You're confusing 2 separate issues. You husband & the OM.

You first need to decide what you will do with your marriage. OM is not a consideration in this. What does your marriage need? What would it take from you to be the best wife you can be? Couples & individual therapy are a must. 

Humble yourself, drop all pride and do all you can to improve and evaluate your relationship. Give it your 100% (you can't do that if you're thinking about OM). Give it a timeframe if you want - 6 months of full commitment. 

Better yourself - find hobbies, read, exercise, meet new people, etc. A change of scenery won't improve your life, but improvements in yourself will.

Then see where you are. 

Trust me - if you act impetuously, you will regret it for many years to come.


----------



## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

michzz said:


> The actual doing of it will change you permanently in ways that are only negative._Posted via Mobile Device_


AGREE AGREE AGREE AGREE AGREE

A worthy life pursuit of mine is to avoid doing things that will cause regret. Regret is the most useless, negative, evil, life-sucking emotion that is completely optional. I think there are 3 types of regret (bear with me, I'm making it up as I go along!):

1. I regret this situation didn't work out better. I did all I could with what I had/knew and feel good about my efforts, but I'm sad it didn't work.

2. I regret I didn't exhibit more self control in that explosive situation. I allowed my emotions to take over in the heat of the moment and my self-discipline failed.

3. I regret choosing the wrong action. I allowed my emotions to overcome and acted on them - with full knowledge it was wrong. Yet I did it anyway?

Regret #1 - A part of life - no way to avoid.
Regret #2 - Happens to the best of us because we are human. Always working toward better self-control (or avoiding explosive situations).
Regret #3 - Fully under my control. I choose to live my life without this type of regret.

The choice is yours.

*There's a hole in my sidewalk 
by Portia Nelson
*
Chapter One
I walk down the street
There's a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in
I'm lost. . . I'm helpless
It isn't my fault
It takes me forever to find a way out

Chapter 2
I walk down the same street
There's a deep hole in the sidewalk
I pretend I don't see it
I fall in again
I can't believe I'm in the same place
But it isn't my fault
It still takes a long time to get out

Chapter 3
I walk down the same street
There's a deep hole in the sidewalk
I see it there
I still fall in. . . it's a habit
My eyes are open
I know where I am
It is my fault
I get out immediately

Chapter 4
I walk down the same street
There's a deep hole in the sidewalk
I walk around it

Chapter 5
I walk down another street


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

As you've seen yourself, once that choice is made, it can never be undone. Your husband may not want to reconciliate after you do it and he would be under no obligation to do so.So unless you are willing to accept the risk of blowing up your marriage, you'd be wise reconsider cheating on your husband.


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

on edit: I reread the original post and OP is married. So, ignore this.


----------



## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

morituri said:


> As you've seen yourself, once that choice is made, it can never be undone. Your husband may not want to reconciliate after you do it and he would be under no obligation to do so.So unless you are willing to accept the risk of blowing up your marriage, you'd be wise reconsider cheating on your husband.


He's right.

But, more importantly, you will look back and feel guilt & regret. You can choose now whether or not you want that feeling in your future. You are not powerless.


----------



## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

> I can't imagine starting over


May I ask how old you are?

Your husband sounds like my exh. We were together for 24 years, it only kept getting worse for me. But I never had feelings for another, I only stayed in my fantasy of my husband becoming the man I needed. Never happened.

You are already in the midst of an EA, which is still considered an affair. If your husband is so bad that you need to have a revenge affair, or just an affair, please leave. Be the one to hold your head up and walk out of the marriage with your integrity intact. I promise you that you will never regret that decision. 

Do seek IC, and ask that your husband attend MC with you. Your husbands refusal to talk about it is nothing more than rug sweeping, and you both need professional help to work through your feelings.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Wow.. I am not supporting OP here. Actually I am surprised at the amount of support she is getting here. 

Let me get this straight

1) She left him



> I was hoping he was a good man and wanted to work things out and was going to find a way to get me back. He did try calling me and writing me lame emails that were half love and half threats so I never responded.


She left him. She willfully ignored his mails(notice the disdain here) and she never even talked to him for that time(3 months). I wouldn't fault him for sleeping with other women. It wasn't the best thing to do but it wasn't wrong. They weren't married so it wasn't a separation. Notice that he never cheated.



> We got back together after splitting up and he is a changed man. He is very good to me and I deeply love and care about him. But we haven't been able to talk through it without it turning into an argument. We got married and he has gotten to the point he walks away if I bring it up so I try not to.


2) She got back with him and then he is a changed man(as per OP). He actively avoids topics about sleeping with other women but she still brings it up unable to get over the fact that he did it when they split up. If she really had a problem with him sleeping with her friends, she could have broken it off then.




> And now, I want to have sex with his old friend. They don't talk anymore but I have wanted to be with this man for years and actually was before ever dating my husband. I fantasize about him at least 3 times a week. It is overwhelming me... Help


Now the real issue here. She is actively trying to cheat on her husband. She is already doing it emotionally. How bad is this? The OM wasn't available previously but looks like he is available now. So she settled for her husband when the OM wasn't available. Now rthat he is back in the picture, she is trying to pursue him. 



Now for a moment consider that she is a fog. What do women in a fog do ? They attribute abuse to their husbands to justify their cheating? Now read these lines again



> He put me through h$ll the entire relationship in one form or another. He became abusive and I left him and did not talk to him for 3 months.



While the husband might have been abusive, what the OP is doing here is to justify her cheating tendencies by blame shifting. Let me rephrase her original passage. 

OP was in relationship with the boyfriend. They broke up. OP never contacted the boyfriend in spite of his repeated efforts for 3 months. Then OP got back together with bf again. They married. Husband now is a very changed man. He actively avoids topic about how he slept with OP's gfs when they were separated. OP has hots for an ex-flame who she couldn't get together with. Now he is available. Presently actively cheating on husband emotionally. Looking to justify PA by blame shifting.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'm with warlock here. They were broken up for months. He moved onto other relationships within the circle of people he knew. Mthen he got back with OP and during the entire time they have been together he did not cheat.

Now OP thinks about actually cheating. Take note OP , what you would be doing most certainly would be cheating. It will most likely end your marriage also. So if you do decide you have to have te OM, divorce your hubby since your decision is marriage ending, this way you'll at least be honest with everyone, including yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You got married to a man, who was abusive to you, and cheated on you with multiple people/friends-----even if you were seperated---you were not officially split up------WHY--I don't care how much you loved him---everything about him was toxic, and you went and made it legal????????

Now you want to cheat on him???????

IMHO---you need to get yourself into IC


----------



## Tover26 (Oct 29, 2011)

Don't do it. Even though you don't want to stay true to your commitment, someday you'll look back and realize that you were presented with a tempation and caved or stood firm. Be the kind of person who can stand firm. Your having an affair is, above all else, a betrayal of your integrity and will only fuel your spouse's rationalization for infidelity. Did you get married to have this kind of a relationship? 

Cool things with the tempation. Look at your own situation. Breathe deeply. Decide to remain true or end it. Breathe deeply. If temptation is the one true love of your life, he will wait for you... and don't you owe it to yourself and to him to give you as much of yourself as possible with the highest level of love and integrity and lowest amount of drama and baggage? You hook up and best/worst case...
- Worst case. Your spouse finds out and your marriage blows up. One true love sees you as a cheater at worst, or a user (using him for exit) at best.
- Best case. One true love sees you conduct yourself with honor and integrity. After dv papers filed, you breathe deeply and rekindle a real friendship. You are each there by choice, not necessity.


----------



## I_Will_Survive (Oct 28, 2011)

I agree 100% with Janie.

For what it's worth -- for many years there's a man that I've been attracted to. Now that I realize my WH has been cheating, I've occasionally felt, "Why did I not act on my feelings, so many years ago?" Like, why should I owe my husband any loyalty? He's been cheating all along!

But all in all, I'm so glad I never did. I know his (this other man's) wife, I like her, and the whole thing would have been SO sordid if I had done anything. 

Not to mention the fact that this other man would have 100% certainly said, "Hey, I'm friends with your husband, WTF??"

You don't have any control over what anyone else does, only yourself. You want to be the best person you can be.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Katie I can tell you that I chose not to reconcile with my extremely remorseful ex-wife after I found a video of her and another man having sex and finding out that it had been going on for a year. Did I love my ex-wife? Of course I did and the decision to divorce her was one of THE most painful ones in my life. But knowing myself well, I knew that my healing could not happen if I remained married to her so I divorced her.

If you do go ahead and have an affair with your ex, are you going to confess it to your husband? If the answer is no then be prepared to live a life where you will be forever guarding the secret of your affair. If you husband happens to discover your affair years later, his pain will be greater than if you had confess shortly after ending your affair because he will feel that all the years since it happened he has been living a lie and resent you for cheating him out of making an informed decision to either remain married to you or divorce you.

All the short term pleasure of being with the OM will not even compare with the years of pain of knowing the damaged you caused to your husband and to yourself.


----------

