# Blindsided and Panicked



## blindsided07 (Jun 29, 2013)

I need help. I'm feeling so panicked. 

My husband left me a few days ago. He was downstairs while we were upstairs watching TV, and in under an hour he loaded everything he could into his car and just left. He left a note and divorce papers on the counter. 

We've only been married 3 years, but we've been living together for 11 and we have two kids. We dated for 3 years before that, so 14 years total. I'm a SAHM. We moved to this city almost two years ago for his job, which requires extensive travel. We don't see him a lot. But when we do, everything has been ok. Of course we fight and we went through something a year ago where he got in trouble and I found out he'd been cheating on me. Somehow, we worked through it except for some lingering hurt and definitely trust issues on my part.

He says there is no other woman, but I am 99% sure there is. It's one of those things you just know. I can't see him having the guts to throw away our family unless there was a big motivator on the other side. 

My biggest issue now is that he won't talk to me. He's been my best friend since we were teenagers. Up until he left, we texted each other and communicated off and on all day every day. And then he just left, after a perfectly nice weekend, and he won't talk to me at all. He has just dropped me like some trash...out of the blue... as if all those years with me mean nothing to him. He hasn't even asked about his kids. He did send me a message saying he would call me a few days ago (he didn't call) and that he wanted me to continue living here in our house and keep everything the same. But even if I get a job and child support, there is no way I can ever afford the mortgage on our house, let alone the upkeep. This was OUR home and I don't want to be here without him. 

I didn't want this, but if it's what he wants, I can be agreeable. It's just that he won't talk to me. We could have an uncontested divorce if he would just talk to me. I feel so completely blindsided. It's as if he's died. He was here, I had a husband, I had a family, and now I don't! Just like that. And I don't understand any of it. 

I've reached out to family, HIS family actually. They've always been my family, too. They are so disappointed in him and want me to move back to be near them. I desperately want to for the emotional support, and so my kids can be near their grandparents. I don't have anyone here and I feel like the heart break, anger and anxiety are going to end me. 

I need to stay strong for my kids. How do I get through this?


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You find out if there is another woman, if there is you breakup the affair, and then you think long and hard if you want to give him a second chance.

And that's the order you tackle this in.

You might want to post over in the coping with infidelity section as there are a number of good folks over there who can give you suggestions about how to find the truth.


Btw - is there any chance he left because he thinks you are the one cheating while he is away?


----------



## blindsided07 (Jun 29, 2013)

I don't have proof. Just a gut feeling. He'd been working long hours when he was in town, extra protective of his phone, running long errands constantly. He didn't want to go on dates with me or anything... was always making excuses. I could just tell, but I didn't want to believe it. 

I have no proof. I don't know who she is or how to find out. I don't even know where he is. He actually filed divorce papers and gave them to me two weeks after he filed, all that time acting as if he was happy with us. I don't see how I could break up his affair if I DID know who she was, considering he threw away his family to be with her. 

I don't think he thinks I've cheated. I've been faithful to a fault and would never cheat. I think he knows this.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

You deal with it one day at a time like the rest of us. Mine left Jan. 2nd after almost 25 years of marriage - pretty much out of nowhere. We had a nice Christmas & right after new years he was gone. He admitted to the ow the night he left & he moved in with her. He told me to keep the house & he would give me money so i would not have to return to work right away ( i was a stay at home mom for 25 yrs) 6 months later I can tell you I'm ok - I still have my days but my life is getting better. If you read through some of the threads on this board you will see that stories like yours are unfortunately not uncommon. I'm sure its the last thing you want to think about but you need to see a lawyer to find out what your rights are & whatever you do don't beg him to come back. You need to be strong now. This is an excellent spot for advice & support. I promise you it may not seem like it right now but things will get better. Right now you've been blindsided. You need the support of friends & family - it is so important!! Posting here is a great help also. Just take this one day at a time.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you considered a PI?

Do you have access to his online cellphone account? You can look to see where he is falling from and who he's calling.

#1 rule, don't confront too soon
#2 rule never revel your sources or methods


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Like Shaggy says, move this to the infidelity section.

Can you check his phone activity on line?

Trying to catch him after he has pretty much admitted it by his actions though is pretty tough.

The point of trying to find out who it is, is to break it up if the OW is married.

If I were you I would pack everyone up and move back home before he has a chance to get a court order forcing you to stay in the town where he works. After a divorce you will probably find you can not move because of child custody requirements and you will be stuck in a new town where you know no one.

Good luck and prayers.


----------



## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

1. DON'T PANIC
2. Don't blame yourself for his sneaky behaviour
3. Speak to a lawyer PRONTO
4. Stay calm, stay strong and make your children your no. 1 priority now (btw, how old are they?)
5. Lean on your family for emotional support, even if it's your In-Laws. If not for yourself, for your children. There is no such thing as EX grandparents.
6. Speak to a lawyer PRONTO
7. Speak to a lawyer PRONTO.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What a gutless coward he is in the way he handled leaving.

How you get through it is to focus on this moment and not the next one or the one after that. It's difficult. Very. But it gets better with time.

Don't try to figure out why he's done what he's done. The only person who will ever know the answer is him. Be grateful he did it now and not years in the future when you had even more time invested in him. It's possible his cheating never stopped. It might have just gone underground. 

You may never find out the answer to that but your focus needs to be on you and your children and not on what he may or may not do.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Take a good look at the divorce papers. If they're reasonable and you can live with what he's asking for then get yourself an attorney and respond and get it over and done with.

If he's making unreasonable requests and you can't live with what you'd have to give up, then contact him somehow and leave him a message that he's making the unfortunate mistake of forcing an expensive and contested divorce and you request that he reconsider what he's asking for otherwise you'll be forced to retain an attorney and take the matter through the courts.

Keep it business only. The man you once knew is gone, this is nothing more than a business arrangement that you want to settle as quickly as possible.


----------



## blindsided07 (Jun 29, 2013)

My kids are 3 and 6. 

The issue for me is not really the infidelity. I'm not sure I even want those details. I feel like I don't even know him now. If he wants a divorce I'll give him one. But I need him to speak to me and he won't talk to me at all. I am ashamed that I keep texting him and calling him. I can't seem to make myself stop. At times I desperately want him to come home, and other times I know this is for the best since I do think there is another woman. I know I deserve better, and to be left without a word is horrific and cowardly. I need to know what he plans to do financially, so that I can move on before the start of the new school year. And his kids are asking for him and I hate this. I've never felt pain like this before. How long can he possibly avoid me? 

The divorce papers say we'll come to an agreement together. We can't do that if he won't talk to me. I feel like I'm stuck in this limbo of emotional Hell and I can't step out of it until he faces me. 

I guess I have no choice but to go to a lawyer soon. 

I am leaning heavily on my family and my In-Laws. My family and his family are all feeling hurt and betrayed. He's not just divorcing me, he's divorcing everyone. He won't talk to anyone. 

You guys think the court might force me to stay in this city where I am alone? He travels 50% of the time for work and could easily travel to visit his kids. I'd prefer to be somewhere with more family and emotional support.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

blindsided07 said:


> The divorce papers say we'll come to an agreement together. We can't do that if he won't talk to me. I feel like I'm stuck in this limbo of emotional Hell and I can't step out of it until he faces me.


At the risk of being repetative..

Leave him a message that you cannot come to an agreement if you cannot talk, and if he doesn't agree to sit down with you for a preliminary discussion by -insert deadline date here- then you'll contact an attorney and have response papers drawn up and you'll see him in court.


----------



## blindsided07 (Jun 29, 2013)

I have left him several messages to call me. I can't seem to stop contacting him. I'm just so incredibly hurt and angry. 

Since it was suggested, I just looked at our cell phone account... or tried to. Turns out he changed the password. To prevent me from seeing all of his calls I imagine.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Is your name on the acct?


----------



## blindsided07 (Jun 29, 2013)

No, unfortunately, it's a family plan in his name.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

blindsided07 said:


> I have left him several messages to call me. I can't seem to stop contacting him. I'm just so incredibly hurt and angry.
> 
> Since it was suggested, I just looked at our cell phone account... or tried to. Turns out he changed the password. To prevent me from seeing all of his calls I imagine.


When you leave him these messages, are you just saying "call me"?

Because that won't get it done. 

He doesn't want to be with you. 

Redefine your goals to something obtainable- in this case it's not going to be fixing this marriage. 

He's gone. The sooner you accept it and deal with it accordingly the better you're going to be in the long run. 

Sorry it's so tough. But you need to find some inner strength because he is no longer your friend, he may very well become your worst adversary.


----------



## blindsided07 (Jun 29, 2013)

lenzi said:


> When you leave him these messages, are you just saying "call me"?
> 
> Because that won't get it done.
> 
> ...


This is hard to read, but I know you're right. It's been so hard for me to wrap my brain around the fact that he doesn't want me anymore... after all this time. I'm so used to him being my best friend. I am trying my hardest to cut off contact with him now and accept that this is what it is. I know it doesn't do me any good to dwell on it and that I just need to move forward. Logically, I know this.
I have said what you suggested, but to be honest it's buried in a lot of other messages to him that he probably has not read or listened to. 
I'll call him tomorrow and tell him exactly what you said and nothing else. I'll keep it businesslike.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

You'll be fine.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

blindsided07 said:


> No, unfortunately, it's a family plan in his name.


Then have a male family member call and request a password reset. Give him your husbands social, phone numbers address etc.

Have the new password mailed to your home address.


----------



## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> Then have a male family member call and request a password reset. Give him your husbands social, phone numbers address etc.
> 
> Have the new password mailed to your home address.


:iagree:

Sometimes you have to opt for the 'grey' route to obtaining your evidence.

I found out the full address of my STBXH's love nest from his Frequent Flyer's account. I can see online a limousine booked for pickups to the airport but can't find any more details. So, I called up the airline, identify myself as his missus and told them that his secretary was on emergency leave and I need to confirm asap on his behalf the address of his limo pickup. The call center even asked me, "Do you want me to spell it out for you, Madam?" 

Now, the search is on for me to verify if he owns the property. If it comes back positive as I suspect, boy oh boy :rofl:


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Most custody requirements stipulate how far one can move after divorce. Not across state lines, no more than 100 miles are examples I have seen on this website.

You might want to see if you can move back home and file for divorce from there. Were you served or did he just hand you the papers. Can you talk to a lawyer back home?


----------

