# What did i get myself into.



## bigfish (Nov 1, 2016)

I am at a complete loss. I have pulled away from my wife and feel like im being more of a parent then a partner. We have been married for 3yrs and i can't remember if its always been this way or, I've grown, am less accepting or what. I just know that every comment argument action or inaction is becoming more and more of a struggle for me. I started noticing it about 6months ago when we were having a conversation about going to her parents house. I already had standing plans to work around the house and she wanted me to put it off and go to her parents house with her. I declined and reminded her of the last few weekends when i put stuff off to attend her families functions.. By my memory we had had that discussion several times over the years but this time it was way different. She started raising her voice, cursing and accusing me of not caring about her and hating her family. Then out of the corner of my eye and I saw one of the kids standing there listening to their mother speak to me that way. I was livid but i didn't snap back. rather i asked her to calm down and speak with me in the bedroom and she stormed of with the kids calling me an ******* as she exited the house. Out breaks like this have become fairly common over the last 6 months. I have asked her to stop all together and she says sorry cries uncontrollably and says it won't happen again. Then it happens about a week later like clock work except now its in front of anyone and anywhere now. 

We agreed to pay off debt in July of this year, budget to make it happen and not use credit anymore. Ive since found out she has been using credit to the tune of $1600 over the last 5 months. When working from home one day last month she got a package. It was a pair of boots. I didn't see any charges to the account from the buckle so i asked if she used credit. She told me no and that she had an old store credit she used. Ok fine i gave her the benefit of the doubt. I pulled credit reports yesterday and noticed her balances on credit cards had gone up by $1600 instead of down like all of mine had. I asked what she had purchased and she straight faced said she was sorry and it was just the boots and a shirt, that was it. I informed her that her balances have gone up by $1600 over the last 5 months. She then flipped a switch and told me that i was controlling her by not letting her spend money, i had no right to look at her credit report (Part of the agreement checks and balances) and no one especially a man is going to tell her what she can do. Then proceeded to tell me i spend money and lie about it as well. I asked what money i lied about and she said the heating element for the hot tub. I about laughed out loud. She said i told her it was a $100 dollar part and it ended up being $225 installed. I asked what fixing something in the house that she is the only one that uses has to do with spending money on myself or lying about it? Then she goes from angry to sad and depressed and the whole world is out to get her and i'm leading it. She then went on to tell me i made her quit her job to stay at home, i keep her from spending money on herself, she informed me she wanted an allowance of $400 a month for her to spend on herself. I was floored. I reminded her she quit her job because her Boss (Friend) threw her under the bus and she quit. That I offered to carry the burden if she wanted to stay at home to play housewife but we would need to budget and pay off debt to make it work. Then i went over the budget with her to entertain her request of a $400 a month allowance. I asked her to keep our agreed goals of being debt free in mind when cutting budgets. She wanted to cut the money going into the retirement account, stop all money from going into emergency savings. Then then said we could pay the minimum of one of two of the cards in her name to get more free spending money. I was floored. i'm still not processing that at all because its night and day. if i would have encountered this logic before marriage there wouldn't have been marriage.

Another infuriating thing I encountered was about 4 months ago. I kicked my 19yo daughter out of the house for drinking, pot and stealing from the little kids. It was sad and disappointing for me to do but i just couldn't have that around the smaller children. During that time my wife's grandmother passed. I come home from work early and find the wife smoking pot in the living room not 2 weeks after i kicked my daughter out for similar behavior. I asked WTF is going on here. Her response was infuriating. She said and I quote "its my house too and i should be able to do what i want, when i want and i'm not hurting anything or anybody". Then proceeded to tell me that she has been doing it for months and its not a big deal since i'm not home during the day and i wouldn't have known if i didn't come home early. Then she flipped it around on me because i didn't text to let her know i was coming home. Then told me it was a dead topic and she didn't want to hear it. I walked away because I wanted to kick her out right then and there. An i have zero trust in her to do the right thing after that comment. You're not home it's ok has undermined trust completely for me. the implications of that line of thinking are boundless.

Anyway dealing with my wife is now like dealing with my oldest daughter was. Im vigilant for half truths omissions question everything and look for everything. i'm waiting for something else to happen some other shoe to drop. im super stressed and on alert constantly. I dont speak to my wife anymore but for passing chit chat and essentials to keep the house running. When we do speak or need to discuss anything i get a combination of the following: She tells me what i think and feel, she always takes everything as me moving against her and the world is out to get her, she isn't getting enough money, she isn't appreciated, not enough sex (she controls that), that I hate her, her crying uncontrollably, self deprecating comments, cursing, calling me names, yelling, being dismissive, twisting past agreements, Blaming me for her poor behavior, saying i do the same things, locking herself in the bedroom and texting me and saying shes scared of me. im at a complete loss. I attempted to speak with her about going to marriage counseling because something has to give and she said to me and i quote again "i hope you like paying for me because i've been staying home for a year and they will make you pay and the house will be mine". Then she broke down sobbing and said she loved me so much, needed me and she didn't want me to leave. Then when i didn't give her the same in return i was a cold hearted ******* who didn't care about her and its my fault. any advice or guidance, resources, opinions?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Honestly, your wife sounds like she's super unhappy with her life, like she's lost her purpose. 

How old is she? 

You said she was working up until a year ago. Did she have a full time career prior to her staying home?

How many children are home with her now?


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

bigfish said:


> I come home from work early and find the wife smoking pot


Classy.... Who knows what you'll walk into next time. Better call early next time before you run into Chad.



bigfish said:


> not enough sex (she controls that)


Of course she does... It's probably starfish sex at that.



bigfish said:


> cursing, calling me names, yelling, being dismissive


Must make you feel so respected when she speaks to you like that.



bigfish said:


> Blaming me for her poor behavior


Why would she? Blame shifter who takes zero accountability for her actions.



bigfish said:


> she said to me and i quote again "i hope you like paying for me because i've been staying home for a year and they will make you pay and the house will be mine". Then she broke down sobbing and said she loved me so much, needed me and she didn't want me to leave.


Bonus points for being bipolar and probably not on the meds she needs to be on (weed doesn't count).



bigfish said:


> any advice or guidance, resources, opinions?


Yeah.... RUN from this psycho. File for divorce ASAP.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

She sounds like an overgrown teenager. She has paranoid ideation, impulsive spending habits, she uses money, pot, sex to self-sooth. Her self-deprecating talk is probably because she carries around some pretty awful internal dialogue. 

What are her other relationships like? Does she get on well with her family? Does she keep long-term friendships? In the past has she been able to hold onto jobs? Does she threaten suicide at all, or maybe self harm? Does she get angry if she can't get in touch with you, or you are late home? Did you marry quickly from when you first met?


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## bigfish (Nov 1, 2016)

She is 33. She had a career in social work prior to staying home and before that was in the navy.

Past relationships were a mix of dating and a few LTR between 2 and 3 yrs. She was married at 18 but divorced when she was 21 due to physical abuse and her ex is a schizophrenic. 

She says she's close with has family but I never see them around we are always going to visit and they all live within 5-10 min of us. I get the feeling her older brother doesn't look upon her kindly. The other two brothers are pot heads.she's the youngest. Dad and mom divorced before she was born. Dad is still spoiling all the adult children to try and make up for something. But he always attaches strings like it's a loan and they have to do things to work it off. Like the wife has to take care of the pets when they are out of town which is quite often and the brothers have to care of other things around the house for them. Funny thing is the last time he gave the wife money (about 2k a year) he asked me to mow his lawn for a month while is mower was in the shop. I told him I couldn't move the 60" ztr over he would have to make other arrangements and then reminded me of the bank of dad check he gave the wife. I then reminded him that he gave that to abby and I do not take money or ask for money from family or anyone. Nor will I be beholden to someone because of money. That went over well. Lol.


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## bigfish (Nov 1, 2016)

Forgot on. 

There are no kids at home during the day. They all attend school full time. One 13yo boy that's hers and one 10yo girl that mine and comes over every other week for a week. 

By my comcast data usage of 1.6tb she is watching a crap load of tv during the day however the house is always clean, laundry done, shopping done, dinner on the table and Kids appointments are taken care of.


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## bigfish (Nov 1, 2016)

That's another thing I get blamed for her friends not wanting to hang out with her. She has a 100% cancel rate. She will plan something get excited and then last min they cancel or just no show. I've met a few friends from her childhood and needless to say not quality people in my opinion but they aren't my friends. Thier in their 30'system working odd partime jobs to party and live a few to an apartment so they can afford it. I've never heard or seen such a thing and it's a far cry from the service member/college educated career woman I met and fell in love with.

We dated for about a year and a half. Engaged, lived together for a year, married and 3yrs later here we are.

Maybe she regressed to so earlier form of herself. No clue. 

No thought of hurting herself.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

Is she self-aware enough of her problems that she may be willing to go to therapy? 

Unless there is a whole other story to this, her issues are most certainly nothing to do with you, but she lashes out at you because she can. When she becomes angry you need to disengage with her, not get sucked into the drama. Leave the house if you can. Only communicate with her when she is behaving in an adult way. Take control of the finances, once the bills have been paid and there is food in the cupboard just give her a small allowance for the week. 

Encourage her to get a job.

If nothing changes you should threaten her with leaving the relationship and mean it. I have a friend a bit like your wife and one day she came home and he was waiting with his bags packed and an apartment had been rented. They separated for about a year. One of the conditions of reconciliation was that she got a job. I think that was the making of her tbh.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

sounds like my ex-wife. I don't think there's a cure for it, they'd have to admit they're doing something wrong, which they just refuse to see. Apparently the world is just supposed to work nicely for them.


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## bigfish (Nov 1, 2016)

This seems to be a 180 on the behavior front just in the last 6 months. I'm going to see if she would be open to individual counceling meds or something. It's just nuts. Something has to give and it isn't me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bigfish said:


> She is 33. She had a career in social work prior to staying home and before that was in the navy.


How old are you?


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## bigfish (Nov 1, 2016)

I'm 39.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sounds to me like she's bored and needs to get a job.


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## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

Could it be peri menopausal? Just a thought .... 

Or some other hormone imbalance?


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

BetrayedDad said:


> Classy.... Who knows what you'll walk into next time. Better call early next time before you run into Chad.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


BD, stop parsing words and really tell him what you think, LOL.

Sounds she has a defective Y chromosome to me.....


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## Vandrade (Feb 27, 2017)

So many women wanting a good man....why to stay on this hell ?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Your wife sounds really depressed, why not let her work and get out of the house. I did the not working thing for a few years and it drove me up the wall. It is difficult to become totally dependent on your H for money and social life too when you have always been independent.
Sounds like you are not really listening to her about what is bothering her. Not having ones own money is also a big issue for a woman who was used to being independent. 
TBH you sound a little controlling, you seem to want to control finances, how you interact with her family, how she should spend, how she should behave, etc. Marriage is a partnership not a boss-subordinate relationship. Her flying off the handle at you is a sign that there is something wrong under the hood, sounds like alot of resentment and suppressed anger, she loves you but she resents you.


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## LifeIsBeautiful42 (Sep 19, 2013)

My stbxw did not work for more than 5 years. Eventually I gave up trying to understand the root causes or reasons for the outrageous behavior. It didn't change the fact that I had to save myself before I became another "unfortunate incident". Be careful of the push and pull effects, it makes you dizzy and hits you right where it hurts. You lose bearings and purpose, and end up just serving her needs. Life shouldn't or doesn't work like that. You are an important person too, and no one is going to save you except yourself.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bigfish said:


> She is 33. She had a career in social work prior to staying home and before that was in the navy.
> 
> Past relationships were a mix of dating and a few LTR between 2 and 3 yrs. She was married at 18 but divorced when she was 21 due to physical abuse and her ex is a schizophrenic.
> 
> She says she's close with has family but I never see them around we are always going to visit and they all live within 5-10 min of us. I get the feeling her older brother doesn't look upon her kindly. The other two brothers are pot heads.she's the youngest. Dad and mom divorced before she was born. Dad is still spoiling all the adult children to try and make up for something. But he always attaches strings like it's a loan and they have to do things to work it off. Like the wife has to take care of the pets when they are out of town which is quite often and the brothers have to care of other things around the house for them. Funny thing is the last time he gave the wife money (about 2k a year) he asked me to mow his lawn for a month while is mower was in the shop. I told him I couldn't move the 60" ztr over he would have to make other arrangements and then reminded me of the bank of dad check he gave the wife. I then reminded him that he gave that to abby and I do not take money or ask for money from family or anyone. Nor will I be beholden to someone because of money. That went over well. Lol.


Why is her father giving her money? Is she asking for the money?

My kids (20 somethings) have asked me for money in the past. Usually, if I give them money it was either a loan that must be paid back or they had to work it off. I don't see why you think that it's wrong for a parent to expect that adult children don't just get handouts.

I get that you did not take the money so you don't owe anything back. But what is your issue with him expecting them to either pay him back or work it off?


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