# Wife says she needs space



## cgyhubby19 (Aug 24, 2016)

Ok, this is going to be a long one so buckle in.

4 weeks ago my wife blindsided me and told me she had cheated on me. She said she needs some space to think about what she wants and if she wants to be married still. 

Now for the backstory. I have cheated on her physically and emotionally several times since we have been together ( We have been together 8 years and almost married 1 year.) Each time she found out she would be upset but things would eventually go back to normal after promising I would never do it again. Each time I promised her and begged her to stay I have meant it with all my heart. However, I found myself in the same situation time and time again.

When my wife told me what had happened I immediately went into full begging and pleading mode. Poured my heart out to her, promising the world to her. It all fell on def ears as you can imagine because she had heard it all before and been burned. The honest truth is I do mean it, really, with all my heart this time. I love her to death and have only recently realized what emotion pain I have caused this woman. There is nothing more that I want than to have her back and be true to my word for the rest of our marriage.

Now, I know I am the last person to deserve another chance and I have come to terms that most likely she will leave. We have went to MC once together and once separately. My wife thinks I may have a sex addiction ( Which very well might be a possibility) so they decided we should talk individually for now to address that. 

We are currently still living together and still sleeping in the same bed. My wife had mentioned before that she wanted to separate to see how she felt and to take a break from our marriage. As of right now she has not acted on physically leaving our home. It has been very awkward. After my initial reluctnce and realizing my begging and emotional behaviour did not help but only pushed her farther away, I have been giving her space. I will let her initial conversation, or texts. I have not inquired on where she goes or with who whenever she leaves. I have backed off. I have read the 180 technique and have decided that I will follow it. In hopes of reconciliation and mostly to help me be more independent and move on if necessary. 

I have been trying this technique mostly for the last week. And think it might be helping. I went out on my own to see my friends and she was curious what I did and where I went. The other night I laid in the spare room as we got close to bed time and she was in our room with the door open crying and writing her feelings. 

Now for the confusing part and why I am on here. I need advice. Last night I saw a glimmer of being back to normal. We went and played volleyball together as we do on Tuesday, came home, had dinner together, laid in bed and watched a movie before we fell asleep. She was friendly, upbeat, and goofy like she usually is. 

Today has been a different story. Usually when my wife leaves for work she sends me a text to say "have a good day" or whatever. I woke to no text and did not hear from her until later in the afternoon. And the text in the afternoon was just asking a question about a bill. 

Obviously I am confused because I felt like yesterday was a good day and now today she is pulling away again. I gave her very short replies to her messages today (180 rule) to try and detach again.

My question is this...should I tell her to go stay with her friend until she figures out what she wants? I hate the idea, but I honestly think it will help. I feel like I comfort her too much right now, which in turn gets my hopes up for reconciliation, which are then dashed by days like today. I am on an emotional rollercoaster and trying not to show her. But I feel like I should stand up for myself as well. I can't be there for her when she needs me and go away when she doesn't need me. Or is that what I need to do right now? It is so confusing. 

I do not want her to leave, I do not want to divorce, but I want her to be happy. Everyday. And I don't want to be the one who makes her sad. I fear she will not see the consequences of a separation or divorce until she is without me. 

Anyway, thats enough for now. I am thankful for any advice you can give.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

180 is probably not the best method. 

Have you considered marriage counseling? How many times did you actually cheat.
.versus how many she actually knows about?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cgyhubby19 (Aug 24, 2016)

Thank you for your response. Yes, we went to one session together of marriage counselling, and we have been once separately. They decided to see us separately because they wanted to see if I may possibly have a sex addiction. You do not think a 180 is the way to go in this situation? I am really hoping in reconsiling because I do believe we are soulmates. Other than the infidelity we have had no marital issue. We get along very well, spend lots of time together, enjoy each others company and have a good sex life.

Almost forgot to answer your question, I have cheated twice physically and 3 times emotionally. She knows about them all.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

cgyhubby19 said:


> Thank you for your response. Yes, we went to one session together of marriage counselling, and we have been once separately. They decided to see us separately because they wanted to see if I may possibly have a sex addiction. You do not think a 180 is the way to go in this situation? I am really hoping in reconsiling because I do believe we are soulmates. Other than the infidelity we have had no marital issue. We get along very well, spend lots of time together, enjoy each others company and have a good sex life.


Is she still seeing her OM? If yes, then 180 is appropriate. If not, and your goal is to reconcile, ditch the 180. 

Your first step is to ensure infidelity is over (for both of you!). Then work on complete and total honesty. Honesty in all things. This is not an easy step. We all have things that we don't want to share, if you want a good relationship, you need to be able to share anything. 

Begging and pleading are not attractive. But, in this case a little up front isn't going to hurt. Just don't live there. Make it plain that, she , like you in the past made a mistake. You now understand the pain you caused her, but that you love her and you hope she loves you. That you can work together to understand why you've done these things and figure out how to stay true to each other in the future. 

She has to want it too. If not, set her free. One person can't fix a broken relationship. It takes both of you.


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

First of all you need to find a different MC. Addressing sexual addiction, real or imaginary at this point in time is meaningless.

Do you know if she is still involved with the other man? 

Do you keep tabs on her activity?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

You have cheated on her 5 times in 8 years. Those are pretty lousy statistics. I can't imagine how she must feel. Honestly, I don't know how or why she is still with you. I definitely think she needs to have time away from you. It sounds like she is finally waking up and realizing the gravity of her situation. If you both decide to get back together one day, so be it. There is a tremendous amount of damage in this situation. She could do better, and that would free you up to do whatever you want, which you seem to do anyway.

Sorry this isn't a warm fuzzy welcome to the group. I'm just at a loss on how to help you in regard to what you are asking. Maybe others can.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

OK pal, you do not have a great track record, but she decided to stay through all of that.

That does not mean you are obligated to do the same.

You cheated. Right now, she is NOT cheating. She has decided she is going to date and you are participating in a one sided at present open marriage.

So you have two choices
(1) play the "pick me game" you are currently doing and give her space to date while you watch and hope she stops
(2) tell her there is NO SEPARATION so she can try out other men and see if she wants you as Plan B.

Your call, but choice #1 rarely works out well for the person playing pick me.


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## cgyhubby19 (Aug 24, 2016)

First of all, thank you all for your replies. Let me say I am in under no illusion that I have been anything but a terrible spouse and terrible human being in the time we have shared together. I have no excuses for the pain and suffering I have made her endure. It is downright cruel. I know I do not deserve any more chances and I am not sure I will get another one anyway.

The thing is we still have love. We have a deeper connection. Thats the only reason why she has stayed, and the only reason she married me last year, and the only reason why she said she was confused when she cheated and didn't just walk out the door right there and then. 

As far as the OM is concerned, it was a co-worker. I do not believe that there is anything ongoing. From what she told me she hated herself for what she had done and could never bring herself to do that to someone again. I believe her when she says it wasn't about sex and thats not why she did it. 

I also agree that maybe time apart would be good for both of us. Maybe it would put everything in perspective and remind her who I use to be and not what I became. 

I just don't know what to do to show her that I mean what I say and I am fully committed to do whatever it takes to make her feel safe and feel trust again.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

cgyhubby19 said:


> My question is this...should I tell her to go stay with her friend until she figures out what she wants?


Which friend? The one she is banging?


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## cgyhubby19 (Aug 24, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Which friend? The one she is banging?


One if her girlfriends. Also, like I said, I don't think she has an ongoing thing with the OM. Also they did not have sex. But they did other stuff.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

cgyhubby19 said:


> One if her girlfriends. Also, like I said, I don't think she has an ongoing thing with the OM. Also they did not have sex. But they did other stuff.


If I was your wife or the OM, I would be lying to you about sex.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

I didn't need to get past your first couple of sentences. When a man or woman gets busted cheating and says they need space that translates into "I want to pursue this relationship with the other person. I'd like you to standby as my plan B in case that doesn't work out."

That is the fact of your situation. You just have to decide if you're cool with your part in this (plan B).


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## cgyhubby19 (Aug 24, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> If I was your wife or the OM, I would be lying to you about sex.


No, she was honest when she said that she cheated but they never had sex. Cheating is cheating no matter what so why would she lie about that part?


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

You do not have a "deeper" connection. Nobody cheats like you do with someone whom they have a "deeper" connection. I don't even know what that really is. What you want is to have the good stuff with her. The sitting on the couch, playing volleyball and being goofy. She supplied all that great stuff for you and you are afraid you are going to lose it and not find it in anyone else. That is the "deeper" connection you seem to think you have.

Really what you should do is let her go. If you love her, know that she deserves someone better than you. She cheated on you because of how much she feels damaged by you. None of it is right, but you are probably way too broken to really continue. Hell, you make have broken her forever unless she goes and gets help. Let her go man, stop her pain.


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

cgyhubby19 said:


> No, she was honest when she said that she cheated but they never had sex. Cheating is cheating no matter what so why would she lie about that part?


Without going into distasteful details can you elaborate what "other stuff" they did?

I can certainly understand her lying about having sex. Unlike you, most people would see a world of difference between kissing in the car and spending the afternoon at his place doing the horizontal mambo.


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## cgyhubby19 (Aug 24, 2016)

Herschel said:


> You do not have a "deeper" connection. Nobody cheats like you do with someone whom they have a "deeper" connection. I don't even know what that really is. What you want is to have the good stuff with her. The sitting on the couch, playing volleyball and being goofy. She supplied all that great stuff for you and you are afraid you are going to lose it and not find it in anyone else. That is the "deeper" connection you seem to think you have.
> 
> Really what you should do is let her go. If you love her, know that she deserves someone better than you. She cheated on you because of how much she feels damaged by you. None of it is right, but you are probably way too broken to really continue. Hell, you make have broken her forever unless she goes and gets help. Let her go man, stop her pain.


You can trust me, all of these thoughts are going through my mind on a daily basis. She is confused right now. She has told me. She doesnt know what to do. She doesn't want to go and have it be a mistake, she doesn't want to stay and regret it. So she is taking time to think about everything. I told her to not worry and its ok to leave. And that I will let her go. But she is still here.


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## cgyhubby19 (Aug 24, 2016)

Herschel said:


> You do not have a "deeper" connection. Nobody cheats like you do with someone whom they have a "deeper" connection. I don't even know what that really is. What you want is to have the good stuff with her. The sitting on the couch, playing volleyball and being goofy. She supplied all that great stuff for you and you are afraid you are going to lose it and not find it in anyone else. That is the "deeper" connection you seem to think you have.
> 
> Really what you should do is let her go. If you love her, know that she deserves someone better than you. She cheated on you because of how much she feels damaged by you. None of it is right, but you are probably way too broken to really continue. Hell, you make have broken her forever unless she goes and gets help. Let her go man, stop her pain.





KillerClown said:


> Without going into distasteful details can you elaborate what "other stuff" they did?
> 
> I can certainly understand her lying about having sex. Unlike you, most people would see a world of difference between kissing in the car and spending the afternoon at his place doing the horizontal mambo.


Hmm, kissed, touched, and she did stuff to him.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

cgyhubby19 said:


> No, she was honest when she said that she cheated but they never had sex. Cheating is cheating no matter what so why would she lie about that part?


Is that a serious question or a joke? If a serious question, I will let someone else answer it as I will be too hard on you.


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

cgyhubby19 said:


> Hmm, kissed, touched, and she did stuff to him.


Sounds darn near like sex to me.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I have to laugh when a woman says they "need space" after cheating and are "confused". And the classic: we "did stuff" like kissing and she "did stuff" to him. Geez, just face it---your wife has had sex with this guy, and is wanting to get separated so she can continue doing it.

She's not confused! She wants "space" to go f the guy whenever she wants.

Why do you care? You've broken her by all your cheating ways.

Deeper connection? That's pretty crazy to say that two cheaters have all this "deepness" about their relationship.

I say just divorce and enjoy the single life. You should have never gotten married if you're that easily attracted to other women. And you have most definitely made it easy for her to dish out some bad payback medicine to you with little problems with her conscience.
Face it, it's over.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

Change counsellors to someone who specializes in sexual addiction. Do this regardless if the marriage stays together or not.
Frankly I think you guys need to separate at the very least.
I agree with @spicey I don't get why you are still together in the first place.
Sometimes it doesn't work..I think all these affairs is telling you that.



Sent from my iPhone


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## cgyhubby19 (Aug 24, 2016)

citygirl4344 said:


> Change counsellors to someone who specializes in sexual addiction. Do this regardless if the marriage stays together or not.
> Frankly I think you guys need to separate at the very least.
> I agree with @spicey I don't get why you are still together in the first place.
> Sometimes it doesn't work..I think all these affairs is telling you that.
> ...


I am seeing a counsellor for sex addiction at the moment and plan to be no matter what happens. I don't know why she has stayed either myself. But I know I have an issue I need to resolve within myself so that's what I will do.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

It's interesting you say she "blindsided" you with her cheating admission when you cheated on her "several" times. Did you expect her to just carry on happily in life with knives sticking out of her back?

It takes a lot to truly forgive one serious error. After repeat offenses, the trust and respect for a spouse erodes until it's gone. What she did was absolutely wrong, but it seems to have given her a taste of reality that she was lacking before. Now she knows she has options, and is weighing in her head if you're worth being one of them. When you cheated on her, but stuck with the marriage, it was like saying to her that she's not really enough for you, but nothing else brings a better total package, so you'll do her a kind favor by staying and keeping the marriage "intact." An emotionally damaged and traumatized woman will eat that [email protected] up and give quick forgiveness but a woman with her eyes opened sees it exactly for what it is. Settling... and starts to believe she deserves more than being settled for.

I think you should let her go so she can figure herself out. A relationship in limbo is no relationship. Seeing a "girlfriend" while on a break likely means she'll see her AP. But she could be telling the truth. Bottom line is, IMO, when a woman wants a break, what she's really saying is she wants away from you. It means she's tired of you. She doesn't want to spend time with you or invest in you because ultimately it's a waste... or at least, this is what she is attempting to rationalize in her head. Being away from you means that her emotions and memories when being near you won't cloud her rational judgment. Men should be very concerned when a woman wants to diassociate from them. It means they are trying to detatch. Women link memories with feelings, so it's easier to not see you, to forget you, and to forget the pain.


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