# I don't know anymore



## lacycat (Apr 20, 2012)

My husband and I have been together for about 8 years total, married for about 1 1/2 yrs of that. I am not sure if I made a mistake or not. He is my best friend and I do love him but, I am no longer in love with him. 

Our sex life is horrible. He doesn't turn me on, he hasn't in at least 3 years. When we do have sex I find myself thinking about someone else, or trying to hurry to get him to finish so it will be over with.

Emotionally it is hell also. I don't feel as though the love and support that should be there is there, coming from either one of us. I know it is supposed to be a 50/50 give and take but it never is.

I have sever anxiety, panic disorder, and a few other issues that I am new to and am dealing with the best I can. My husband is supportive about 1/4 of the time. The rest of the time, it is like he just doesn't care. Because of the severity of the anxiety and panic attacks I had my psychiatrist fill out some forms for hubby's job. The forms let him leave early, or stay home from work if I need him...I am starting to feel as if he is just using my problems as a way to get out of going to work. There have been numerous times when he is tired or just doesn't want to go in. So he has called in under the LOA and stayed home. These have been times when I am doing ok and don't need to be babysitted. 

Then there have also been several times that I have been having a major panic attack and he won't come home. He always tells me I'll be home as soon as I'm done, I dont' have much left to do. Then he will come home 2 or 3 hours after his sift has ended. He did this again to me last night and I couldn't take it, I had to call my mother. She came over and took me to her house. Then around 9 my husband calls wanting to know where I was at. I really wanted to tell him "Why should it matter. I needed you and couldn't care less". But, I was nice and bit my tounge. Then when we got home I was in an off mood because I didn't feel well and because of him. So he gets mad at me. 

The same basic thing has happened before. One of the attacks was bad enough I passed out and woke up about 3 hours later on the kitchen floor. He was supposed to be on his way home. He didn't show up until another 4 hrs after I had woken up. I feel as though he is using my problems. He won't talk to me about them. He just gets mad. I don't know what to do any more. I felt like a door mat before all of this started, now its just getting worse.

Several months ago I started learning Finnish because I love the language and would like to travel there for an extended vacation. My husband could care less. When I am studying he will make comments about it. He says things like "I don't know why you are doing that. You will never go there." or my personal favorite, when I try to tell him something new that I have learned "I don't care. Its a waste of time and useless." I try to show him as much interest as possible in things he likes do or wants to do. But when it comes to me, he could care less. 

I constantly find myself fighting the urge to start seeing someone else. Not too long ago I "met" a person over a video chat site. We hit it off immediately. I can talk to him about so many things that I can't talk to my husband about, and not for lack of trying. We also have more in common that my husband and I do. 

I don't feel like I belong here, and at the same time I am scared to leave. I am scared not only because I haven't been along in a long time but, also because I don't want to hurt him. I know I am hurting myself by staying...I just don't know what to do any longer. 

Any advice would be great. And please don't say to seek councleing. He won't even attempt to go with me to therapy to find out how to deal with my anxiety.


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

lacycat said:


> My husband and I have been together for about 8 years total, married for about 1 1/2 yrs of that. I am not sure if I made a mistake or not. He is my best friend and I do love him but, I am no longer in love with him.
> 
> Our sex life is horrible. He doesn't turn me on, he hasn't in at least 3 years. When we do have sex I find myself thinking about someone else, or trying to hurry to get him to finish so it will be over with.
> 
> ...


I think you should also ask the readers to browse thru your other post. This post alone doesn't convey the entire picture or intensity of your problems. I had drafted a reply and then I scrapped it after reading your post on the anxiety disorder http://talkaboutmarriage.com/anxiety-depression-relationships/44428-anxiety-panic-disorder.html


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## lacycat (Apr 20, 2012)

Eowyn, 

Thanks. I didn't even think to put any of that in here. My brain is so fried right now that I'm lucky to remember to tie my shoes. I did a cut and paste of the anxiety issues into my original post. So, maybe it will help.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Hi lacycat, it sounds like your husband is having to compete with a 'fantasy' man who hasn't actually lived with you in real life. I really feel for you on feeling abandoned with the panic attacks. I have had panic attacks as well and have been very lucky that my H is supportive and understands and tries to help. You deserve that too. Many people do not understand panic attacks - they think that it is purely in the mind and that since it doesn't kill you, it's not serious. I do believe research has shown that repeated panic attacks can cause cardiac damage; does he understand that there are "real" physical effects beyond the "psychological" effects? He may not be taking it seriously because he thinks it's not a serious thing. I'm not sure - just what I've seen in my own life.

Despite his apparent lack of concern about the panic attacks, still it is very wrong to get involved emotionally with someone else (the video chat guy) as long as you are married to your husband. If you believe that your husband's lack of concern for you is a deal-breaker and cannot be fixed (and he doesn't want to go to counseling as you say), and decide to divorce him, go ahead - and THEN you can get involved with other guys but honestly if you start getting emotionally involved with him now, *you* are destroying your marriage, being dishonest, cheating, etc. Chat Guy won't respect you anyway for going behind your husband's back to talk to him. He might enjoy the attention now but he will not be able to trust you in the long run. 

Clear things up with your husband and do not get involved with ANY other men until you are divorced; if you do not divorce him, don't get involved with any other men period, including this guy, whose presence in your life is making it easy to paint your husband as a terrible guy.

That doesn't mean you can't have male friends but this man is fulfilling emotional needs you should be getting from your husband. I'm sure someone else can explain this better than I'm doing. The attention you're getting from the new guy can make it VERY easy for you to demonize your husband and point out all his flaws but forget all his good points. That's completely unfair to both of you so watch out for that. 

Are you absolutely 100% sure that what you wrote about sex is true? If sex were so bad 1.5 yrs ago, why did you marry him? Who do you think about during sex? Is it the video chat guy? This guy is poisoning your relationship with your husband by making you believe that the whole relationship has been bad - when it hasn't. 

If you had come on here and said that things are bad etc etc but NOT mentioned the video chat guy, my reply would have been very different. But we see this ALL the time here. "Listen to all the things that have been wrong in my relationship for a long time, oh and now I have met this new guy who makes me feel great..." The new guy is making you re-write the history of your marriage to JUSTIFY your emotional involvement with him. It's a hallmark feature of an emotional affair. You are already cheating on your husband.

My advice is stop talking to men on the internet, confess to your husband, and let him decide if he wants to be married to a woman who has no problem forming emotional attachments to men on the internet. I'm sorry to be harsh, but I think your judgment is seriously impaired as a result of this new guy.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

btw I think the Finnish language thing is awesome. Learning a foreign language - especially a nearly impossible one like Finnish - is a great hobby and I hope you do get to take your trip someday.


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## lacycat (Apr 20, 2012)

omega said:


> Hi lacycat, it sounds like your husband is having to compete with a 'fantasy' man who hasn't actually lived with you in real life. I really feel for you on feeling abandoned with the panic attacks. I have had panic attacks as well and have been very lucky that my H is supportive and understands and tries to help. You deserve that too. Many people do not understand panic attacks - they think that it is purely in the mind and that since it doesn't kill you, it's not serious. I do believe research has shown that repeated panic attacks can cause cardiac damage; does he understand that there are "real" physical effects beyond the "psychological" effects? He may not be taking it seriously because he thinks it's not a serious thing. I'm not sure - just what I've seen in my own life.
> 
> Despite his apparent lack of concern about the panic attacks, still it is very wrong to get involved emotionally with someone else (the video chat guy) as long as you are married to your husband. If you believe that your husband's lack of concern for you is a deal-breaker and cannot be fixed (and he doesn't want to go to counseling as you say), and decide to divorce him, go ahead - and THEN you can get involved with other guys but honestly if you start getting emotionally involved with him now, *you* are destroying your marriage, being dishonest, cheating, etc. Chat Guy won't respect you anyway for going behind your husband's back to talk to him. He might enjoy the attention now but he will not be able to trust you in the long run.
> 
> ...


The problems have been on going between my husband and I for a long time. Way before I started talking to the other guy. And my husband knows that I talk to him. As long as I am not sleeping around he could care less. The reason I started talking to the other guy was to give me someone to vent to. He is not causing me to rewrite my marriage to justify anything. Yes, I like the fact that I am not judged and that we can talk about almost anything. I don't think that our talking qualifies us as having an emotional affair. I don't love the other guy. I only see him as a friend. 

Yes I have thought about seeing someone else. But like I said, I can't do that to my husband or myself. And I don't think that having someone to vent to who doesn't judge me qualifies as and affair of any sort. Everyone needs someone they can talk to about anything. That person should be your spouse but when your spouse is constantly pushing you way what are you supposed to do then? Keep everything bottled up and destroy yourself in the process? 

And no I don't think about the video chat guy while having sex with my husband. The messed up thing about that is that the guy that I am thinking of is my husband before everything went to hell. It is like there is my husband and then my husband before being my husband, if that makes any sense. 


I came on this site because I though that someone would understand my point of view and possibly give me some advice. Not turn everything around on me so that it is all my fault and say that I am the one destroying my marriage. 

Thank you for making me out to be a complete jerk.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

lacycat said:


> The problems have been on going between my husband and I for a long time. Way before I started talking to the other guy. And my husband knows that I talk to him. As long as I am not sleeping around he could care less. The reason I started talking to the other guy was to give me someone to vent to. He is not causing me to rewrite my marriage to justify anything. Yes, I like the fact that I am not judged and that we can talk about almost anything. I don't think that our talking qualifies us as having an emotional affair. I don't love the other guy. I only see him as a friend.
> 
> Yes I have thought about seeing someone else. But like I said, I can't do that to my husband or myself. And I don't think that having someone to vent to who doesn't judge me qualifies as and affair of any sort. Everyone needs someone they can talk to about anything. That person should be your spouse but when your spouse is constantly pushing you way what are you supposed to do then? Keep everything bottled up and destroy yourself in the process?
> 
> ...


I suggest you research emotional affairs. I suspect that when the Americans wake up and start posting, you will get a few more opinions. I hope you will TRY to listen to them with an open mind.


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## involedfather (Jan 13, 2012)

Lacy, if you don't have any kids, bail out. I'm not kidding or trying to be mean (though I'm sure it will be perceived as such). You guys are broken and have no real vested interest in staying together. It sounds like you're using him because you can't stand to be alone (anxiety) and you don't work (financially). You're truly sharing nothing. No interests no activities, nothing.

The anxiety/panic attacks are EXTREMELY frustrating for a guy because there is NOTHING we can do about it. We can only take so much. I'd assume (dangerous I know, but if I'm wrong it's beyond me why you married in the first place) that in the beginning he was very compassionate about them, held you and comforted you, did anything he could. As this happened over and over and over again he seemed to care less and less and less. You were going to have anxiety and panic attacks no matter if he cared or not, did anything or not, so why bother doing anything at all?

So seriously, if you have no kids just take half his stuff and leave. You're not attracted to him, he's not sympathetic toward you, and there are other men that seem like they listen and care more (they don't really, they're just trying to get in your pants and after enough panic attacks they'll bail out too).

Then, dedicate yourself to fixing the anxiety problems. Drugs, therapy, accupuncture, hospitalization, whatever it takes. You're a burden on everyone around you until you do. Yes, I know that I can't possibly understand what it's like for you. I know that this is a very real problem. I also know that you must deal with it to have a healthy relationship.


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

Hi Lacycat,

You should not take Omega's advice as criticism. Your goal when posting on this forum should be to fix your marriage, not to get people to criticize your husband and sympathize with you.

I do not support your husband or his behavior, however I do not support your behavior as well. You mention three issues here:
1. Lack of Care: As Omega mentions see if he is aware of the physical effects of panic attack. He might probably not know. I myself didn't know before reading Omega's note.
2. Sex Life: Again, I agree with Omega here. Your husband, or for that matter most of the men on this planet cannot compete with a fantasy. Also why did you marry him if the flame died out 3 yrs ago? I know you cannot change that now, but atleast you can try to give it a sincere shot by not thinking of someone else when having sex.
3. Lack of Encouragement: I think this is not a major issue in itself and probably a fall out of your sour relationship with your husband at this time. If you guys are able to fix the root cause of your problems his behavior will most likely change in this area.

In any case irrespective of your equation with your husband getting involved or thinking about seeing someone or fantasizing will only make it worse. Not only will it NOT give you a chance to fix your marriage, but you will end up with lot of guilt if you go ahead. You mention that this is not an EA but looking at your first post it cannot be taken in a different way. Also remember grass always appears greener on the other side. Do not give up what you have right now for something that could be a mirage. 

To sum it up...
1. See if you can work it out with your husband without any external influences.
2. If you don't think it will work out, divorce him and then check out other people or male friends.

If you feel you need emotional support of a friend try to see if you mother, sister etc can be of help or look out for some ladies in the chat room. Connecting with a male friend in the chat room in this situation is not a good idea at all.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

lacycat said:


> I came on this site because I though that someone would understand my point of view and possibly give me some advice. Not turn everything around on me so that it is all my fault and say that I am the one destroying my marriage.
> 
> Thank you for making me out to be a complete jerk.


I don't think the OP'er will be back, and that saddens me. I read the responses, and I don't see anyone turning everything around on the OP'er. Omega even complimented her on learning a language as difficult as Finnish.

Unfortunately, this lady probably won't benefit from any of the well-meaning advice offered here. It doesn't always come across as someone may wish, but I believe there are a lot of good-hearted, well-meaning folks on TAM. Oh well, as we say in the rooms, "take what you want and leave the rest."


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

The problem is, she wanted a quick answer, a bandaid for RIGHT NOW. I get it. I too have suffered from extreme anxiety attacks and I can tell you, it can ruin your life if you let it. 

I used to lean on my husband when I would spin out of control, but he couldn't always be there. I had to learn to handle this ALL BY MYSELF. Nothing is more empowering than learning to deal with an emotional problem on your own. Be your own support group. If you depend on others too much, you will surely be disappointed.

I hope this woman comes back to read the positive advice, or in my case, the HARD advice. It takes a lot of work and you have to want it, or you won't get it.


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