# Pregnant and considering divorce



## lysl (11 mo ago)

Been married for 3 years, dated for 8 before that. It had ups and downs. COVID put more stress in that we could no longer travel. We tried and got pregnant, but since the pregnancy was confirmed, husband has been very stressed/ unhappy. He says things like " now I won't have time for myself, the baby will take over my life". It worsened into him telling me that he's not sure he loves me anymore. He said that our sex life is not as good as that with his ex and that I not good at it. He's the only one I ever dated while his ex was a lot more experienced. 

But after all this, he says he doesn't want a divorce and he said he wants to work on our marriage to fix it. However, I can't forget what he said about not loving me and his talk about his ex. I feel miserable. My friends told me he is going through some kind of baby stress and to not take his words to heart, but it's hard. I feel like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop and I hate it.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Sometime people say mean things, it sucks. What I would say is being pregnant is a stressful time for both parents. See if you can work things out. Tell him your expectations and ask him what his expectations are. Maybe some some new sex things.

Getting divorced while pregnant is going to make your life A LOT harder and more stressful.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

What he has said is wrong, but your friend could be right. Pregnancy is stressful on the father too even though he isn't the one carrying the baby.

Has he had recent contact with his ex? It seems odd that he is bringing up sex with his ex when you have been together for 11 years.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

It is clear that your husband has a weak character. Often in life, I find, people have to make the choice to stay with someone of weak character just to keep a family together. What this means is that he will probably recover from whatever he is going through but has shown his true colours under stress. This also means that he could do this again under stress. So there may be fun times but the weak character will always be lurking.

The only way to deal with this is to either expose his weak character to him and get him to understand that he has a problem and needs counselling to help him become less selfish, self-entitled etc etc OR you decide that it is simply not worth it and dump him.

I would ask him why on Earth don't you want a divorce? I know I do. You can then go back to excellent sex with whatshername etc. If he says he wants to keep the family together for the kid, tell him that the kid will actually better off without you both being in a toxic marriage. And mention that you agree with him - tell him that the sex with him ain't that great and now that you come to think of it, your ex too was much better. See how he handles that.

Good luck.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

gosh what a horrible thing to say to a pregnant wife.
Why is it that men are no longer Gentlemen? What broke down in society so we are raising up men to be assholes?


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## redmarshall (11 mo ago)

I think what your friend said makes some sense.
I am not saying what he said was right, that was downright selfish and not only that, highly insensitive. But I will give you my take, having two kids myself, the initial time can be filled with apprehension, I too at one point was feeling neglected, and one pertinent thing to mention here is men express themselves physically to their partners which is why physical closeness is something men whine about all the time(me included). Now, guys have to learn to suppress themselves because at the end of the day, the kid is ours too, but the affection that women shower on the kid tends to diminish her physical and emotional availability to the husband. All fathers have to get over this fact that they don’t come first anymore. But that has a lot to do with growth as a parent and as a father. Im not saying ignore this, you have to make him understand that this is not ok, he has to be more mature and to handle his apprehensions in a better way. Make him a bit secure that you will reserve sometime for yourself but this conversation regarding the ex and the sex is wrong and will not ever be excused in the future under any circumstances. Be firm and assertive about that.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Hong Kong has a very high divorce rate, one of the highest in the world. It’s also a very expensive place to live so if he divorced you he would be liable for a lot of child support and alimony payments. 
Would finances have anything to do with his change of mind?


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## lysl (11 mo ago)

Thank you for all your kind replies. It really helps hearing from more people and their different perspectives. 

I was quite focused on my pregnancy, since it's my first and I was feeling sick. He acknowledges that he has some stress/ anxiety issues, which his busy job definitely worsens, and has started going to counselling. I was also able to tell him that while he can give feedback on our relationship/sex life, to not bring any of his ex gf into that conversation. It's hurtful and not fair. He apologised and promised it won't happen again. I hope things work out.


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## lysl (11 mo ago)

Andy1001 said:


> Hong Kong has a very high divorce rate, one of the highest in the world. It’s also a very expensive place to live so if he divorced you he would be liable for a lot of child support and alimony payments.
> Would finances have anything to do with his change of mind?


Couldn't say for sure, but it never came up. We both work, make about the same and contribute equally to the family budget. My gut feeling tells me it's not really a main consideration point. 

On the other hand, the cost of raising a child in HK did come up frequently and is one of the items that stresses him out a lot. We live well within our means. After crunching the numbers, it showed we could afford a baby, have savings and maintain our current lifestyle. He has always been more anxious about money, even though his family lives comfortably. The rich-poor gaps is huge in HK and in general, people are a lot more money conscious. The news and financial experts saying it costs >US$500K to raise an average kid probably doesn't help.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

lysl - this post says most all of "your problem"



manfromlamancha said:


> It is clear that your husband has a weak character. Often in life, I find, people have to make the choice to stay with someone of weak character just to keep a family together. What this means is that he will probably recover from whatever he is going through but has shown his true colours under stress. This also means that he could do this again under stress. So there may be fun times but the weak character will always be lurking.
> 
> The only way to deal with this is to either expose his weak character to him and get him to understand that he has a problem and needs counselling to help him become less selfish, self-entitled etc etc OR you decide that it is simply not worth it and dump him.
> 
> ...


Life will not get better without "HIS" issue(s) getting resolved. Being a "father" - just a sperm doner

Being a DAD - a lifetime of work. 

So, is he up to the task? So far you don't give us readers here much hope for that.

Fixing your marriage and "spouse" is going to involve some sort of unpleasantness. Best start now.


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## lysl (11 mo ago)

ShatteredKat said:


> lysl - this post says most all of "your problem"
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I'm just not sure how long I can or should try before giving up. So much for staying happy during my pregnancy......


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

lysl said:


> Been married for 3 years, dated for 8 before that. It had ups and downs. COVID put more stress in that we could no longer travel. We tried and got pregnant, but since the pregnancy was confirmed, husband has been very stressed/ unhappy. He says things like " now I won't have time for myself, the baby will take over my life". It worsened into him telling me that he's not sure he loves me anymore. He said that our sex life is not as good as that with his ex and that I not good at it. He's the only one I ever dated while his ex was a lot more experienced.
> 
> But after all this, he says he doesn't want a divorce and he said he wants to work on our marriage to fix it. However, I can't forget what he said about not loving me and his talk about his ex. I feel miserable. My friends told me he is going through some kind of baby stress and to not take his words to heart, but it's ha6thrd. I feel like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop and I hate it.


Take it to heart. I freaked out on my first child. You can let mariGe die or not.
You need counseling.
Both Read books on gottman, schlessinger, proper caring and feeding of mariage. Be supportive. He needs to grow up he needs to concentrate on his career. Not you nor the baby. Yes he is to be a leader and love his family. From now on he's got duty. Pit his reservations in left pocket and pull lovevout of hi right no matter how he feels, also applies to you, that's from proper care book.
Good luck


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## lysl (11 mo ago)

Update: I was able to start counselling for myself this week. Will go through everything with a counsellor first before making any big decisions. Thanks everyone.


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