# Her new boyfriend watching our daughter while she works - I have never met him!?



## WreckTangle (Jan 27, 2016)

So, I get a text from the ex today informing me that her new boyfriend is watching our nearly 4-year-old daughter today instead of her going to daycare.

I was floored.

I have not had a chance to meet him, yet. I know nothing about him.

We have shared custody and placement.

He has a small son who is also not in school. I'm sure this is innocent: he isn't working (for whatever reason, again, I know nothing about him) and he has a small boy who enjoys playing with my daughter and just being a nice guy he volunteers to watch her.

...but I don't know anything about him. 

I guess I'm not so worried about what could be going on, my biggest concern is that my ex didn't include me in the decision. She simply made it and told me about it later.

I feel that was disrespectful. I would never do that to her. If I had met him. If I had a chance to determine for myself whether I trusted him or not, it would have been different. 

She probably just feels like she trusts him, so that is all that matters. She just exhibited a complete disregard for how it might affect me, however. 

Am I right to be upset about this?

I cooled down and sent her a reply stating that I was not okay with this because I don't know this guy and that I would appreciate it if in the future she could include me on decisions about our children's care. I have not heard back, yet.

I can guarantee had the shoe been on the other foot she would have lost her mind and come after me screaming and yelling.

I should add that she's maybe been dating this guy since just after Valentine's Day...so I question how well she even knows him.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

So, first of all that is not OK. She's not acting in the best interest of your daughter. The incidence of physical/sexual abuse in the children of divorced women by their boyfriends is very high. If she won't fix this you need to talk with your lawyer about changing the custody arrangement.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Do you have anything regarding this in your settlement, like right of first refusal and whatnot? If not, you may consider going to a mediator to get something like that added in. Now, would you ever act on it, who knows? But at least it makes both of you think about the process before acting.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Bananapeel said:


> So, first of all that is not OK. She's not acting in the best interest of your daughter. The incidence of physical/sexual abuse in the children of divorced women by their boyfriends is very high. If she won't fix this you need to talk with your lawyer about changing the custody arrangement.


Um, I think it is not ok to bring up a false accusation about sexual abuse being high. High is a subjective term and likely completely false and this is fear mongering. 

But yes, this needs to be clarified in the custody agreement.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Yes you have every right to be upset about some unknown person being around your daughter. They haven't been together very long; weeks-which isn't long enough for her to even know all about him. I don't know what the advice would be to do about it though. Just letting you know that I completely agree with your feelings.


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## WreckTangle (Jan 27, 2016)

Herschel said:


> Do you have anything regarding this in your settlement, like right of first refusal and whatnot? If not, you may consider going to a mediator to get something like that added in. Now, would you ever act on it, who knows? But at least it makes both of you think about the process before acting.


We do have the right of first refusal written into the divorce settlement. If she cannot watch the kids, for instance, she is supposed to ask me - and vice versa.

Today was a daycare day as we both work. We've already paid to have someone watch her...but even that isn't the biggest deal.

It's shocking and not shocking. Her new guy and his two sons were spending entire weekends at her condo almost immediately. The speed with which she in integrating this guy and his kids into her life is bizarre.

Honestly, the guy is probably okay. I just wish 1) I could have met him before he was entrusted with my small daughter and 2) that I would have been consulted about the decision.

It worries me that she either fails to see how insane she looks or that she simply cares so little about me that she thinks she can just make decisions on her own without including me.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Well, you have to tell her that you need to meet him. Even if it is beyond daycare, she could be running to the store or whatnot, he may be there with the kids. He should be respectful and honor that as long as you are as well. 

I agree with you on the decision making aspect and you took the steps necessary to nip it in the bud.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Herschel said:


> Um, I think it is not ok to bring up a false accusation about sexual abuse being high. High is a subjective term and likely completely false and this is fear mongering.
> 
> But yes, this needs to be clarified in the custody agreement.


The risk is much higher. Lots of data on the subject. It's a parent's job to act in the best interest of their minor children. Having a near stranger watch one is not a good choice. Knowing the statistics is important in making good decisions. 

Child abuse the dark underbelly of cohabitation - Health - Children's health | NBC News

Child abuse and father figures: which kind of families are safest to grow up in? - National Center For Health Research

http://www.d2l.org/atf/cf/{64AF78C4-5EB8-45AA-BC28-F7EE2B581919}/Statistics_4_Risk_Factors.pdf


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Let her know that you will be coming right over to meet him 

Her double standard regarding you leaving the kids with a new gf tells me that is not the kids best interest she's worried about, it's the competitive issue of another woman watching her kids. 

Very troubling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Bananapeel said:


> The risk is much higher. Lots of data on the subject. It's a parent's job to act in the best interest of their minor children. Having a near stranger watch one is not a good choice. Knowing the statistics is important in making good decisions.
> 
> Child abuse the dark underbelly of cohabitation - Health - Children's health | NBC News
> 
> ...


Oh, I hear you. The likelihood of a child being abused by a non-parent is certainly higher than one of the parent. Being "very high" is an over-reaction as I didn't see anything in your post that shows that boyfriends of women who are at work molest children 50%+ of the time. That would be very high and alarming to me. Something that happens 1 out of every 1000 or 10000 or whatever times is still alarming, but not something you should immediately jump to.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

WreckTangle said:


> It's shocking and not shocking. Her new guy and his two sons were spending entire weekends at her condo almost immediately. The speed with which she in integrating this guy and his kids into her life is bizarre.


My XWW is doing the exact same thing. I think it stems from the need to feel accepted and wanted, a lack of self-identity, and fear of being alone. If you know the guy's name you can have a background check run on him just to make sure he has no criminal history (basically, what is already done for the employees at your current daycare).


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Bananapeel said:


> My XWW is doing the exact same thing. I think it stems from the need to feel accepted and wanted, a lack of self-identity, and fear of being alone. If you know the guy's name you can have a background check run on him just to make sure he has no criminal history (basically, what is already done for the employees at your current daycare).


My woman's perspective is that it stems from a need for legitimacy and stability. Playing house and having families integrated is associated with more legitimacy than being a casual gf.

It's just short sighted and stupid.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WreckTangle (Jan 27, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> Let her know that you will be coming right over to meet him
> 
> Her double standard regarding you leaving the kids with a new gf tells me that is not the kids best interest she's worried about, it's the competitive issue of another woman watching her kids.
> 
> ...


Actually, I've never left the kids in the care of another woman. There hasn't been another woman, yet. We've only been divorced six months!?! However, when there is another woman - I will not do this to her. The thing is, I'm respectful towards her. She is their mother and I respect that.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Herschel said:


> Oh, I hear you. The likelihood of a child being abused by a non-parent is certainly higher than one of the parent. Being "very high" is an over-reaction as I didn't see anything in your post that shows that boyfriends of women who are at work molest children 50%+ of the time. That would be very high and alarming to me. Something that happens 1 out of every 1000 or 10000 or whatever times is still alarming, but not something you should immediately jump to.


It's not a rare occurrence at all. 24.7% of females were abused across their study population (not all were single parent households though). 

Click on the data and statistics part then go under ACEs prevalence. http://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/acestudy/about.html


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## WreckTangle (Jan 27, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> My woman's perspective is that it stems from a need for legitimacy and stability. Playing house and having families integrated is associated with more legitimacy than being a casual gf.
> 
> It's just short sighted and stupid.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Could be. I've tried to keep my nose out of it. It just all moved very quick. It went from me finding out she had a "friend" on Thursday to her telling me she was seeing someone on Monday and then me finding out that he and his kids were already spending entire weekends at her condo by the following weekend. It has moved very fast and now I'm finding out he's watching my daughter?


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

WreckTangle said:


> Actually, I've never left the kids in the care of another woman. There hasn't been another woman, yet. We've only been divorced six months!?! However, when there is another woman - I will not do this to her. The thing is, I'm respectful towards her. She is their mother and I respect that.


You need to separate a few things here.

One is having the "boyfriend" around your kids.
The other is taking kids out of daycare.

The second one is absolutely something you should be informed about and allowed to exercise your right of first refusal.

The first, I'm sorry but no. You've mentioned that you guess he's ok, but you've never met him. Would you expect to meet and approve every babysitter your ex hires? If so, I kind of think that's unreasonable. If she's a competent adult she gets to make decisions like that. Unless there's a reason to think he should not be around the kids, you don't get to sign off on who she brings around your daughter. This is a really really hard thing for divorced parents. 

Let me add I totally understand that you, as a parent, want to know who is around your kids. You love them and want to protect them. But once the divorce is final, you have to acknowledge that unless its in the custody order, each one of you makes separate and independent decisions when it comes to the kids.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

If you wanted to, you could really go bananas on this and tell her if anything goes wrong you are going to charge her with possible child endangerment. You could inform family and child service (whatever they are called in your area) and they may decide to take part of her custody rights away.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Did some quick skimming of your past posts. Please confirm:

- Your ex's boyfriend has dole custody of his sons and the three of them live in his mothers basement.

- That he is currently unemployed. 

- that your divorce degree gives both of you rght of refusal on non-custodian days. So in this case you could have said no, I will pick our children up and spend the day with them? 

- what was the actual reason giving for not sending your daughter to daycare? Did your son go to school that day? 

Thanks


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Very careless. Kids should not be around their parents "friends" unless it's something serious and long term.

Valentines day is not long term and could not possibly be serious! 

Hopefully, she will agree with you. Otherwise, get legal counsel.


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## WreckTangle (Jan 27, 2016)

JohnA said:


> Did some quick skimming of your past posts. Please confirm:
> 
> - Your ex's boyfriend has dole custody of his sons and the three of them live in his mothers basement.
> 
> ...


I really don't know much about him. What I have is pieced together. Everything you mentioned I believe to be the case, but I don't know the circumstances.

I could have said no, had I known. The problem was that I didn't know until the decision had been made.

We had daycare for her today. She had somewhere to go.

I did talk with me ex and she apologized and I took it as being heartfelt. She just said she was running late for work and he offered to take our daughter with him so that she did not have to make an extra stop at daycare.

Our son gets dropped at school and then our daughter gets dropped at daycare. He went to school today. It saved her time to not have to take our daughter to daycare.

I'm guessing he and the boys spent the night at her condo last night (which is what it is) so he was there in the morning. He probably figured he could help by taking her with him.

I'm not as mad as I was, but I'm still a little unsettled.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

You need to be something. It is not good for him or his boys to be in contact like they are. Not only is her boyfriend a danger to both of your children, so are his boys. 

Fir less than a hundred dollars you can run an online search on his background. Why does he have custody? His hands may be spotless, but how has the mothers behavior tainted the boys? 

You need to learn to live aware. A big part of that is knowing the signs of abuse. Have you done any readings on the subject.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

WreckTangle said:


> She just said she was running late for work and he offered to take our daughter with him so that she did not have to make an extra stop at daycare.
> 
> Our son gets dropped at school and then our daughter gets dropped at daycare. He went to school today. It saved her time to not have to take our daughter to daycare.
> 
> ...


So by not reaching out to you first she admitted to violating the terms of your custody agreement. Document it. 

Let her know that you won't allow her to continue to violate the agreement. 

If her BF is going to spend time alone with your kids, insist on having a background check run on him, and on meeting him. 

She is being careless and moving too quickly in her new relationship. Maybe no harm comes of it, but the risk is there. Don't let her risk taking become a problem for your kids.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Your ex wife is being incredibly stupid.

I am a sexual abuse survivor. I was also married to a despicable pedophile. 
"Stranger danger" no longer applies, most sexual abuse cases are committed by a person known and trusted
by the family.

I would run a background check on the new boyfriend. I would also investigate him.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. It has got to be concerning to any parent who is caring for, and influencing, their children.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Herschel said:


> Um, I think it is not ok to bring up a false accusation about sexual abuse being high. High is a subjective term and likely completely false and this is fear mongering.
> 
> But yes, this needs to be clarified in the custody agreement.


The numbers I have read is that a child is something like 40 times more likely to be sexually abused by their mother's boyfriend/spouse who is not the father of the child.

It is a very real concern.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long has your wife been seeing this guy?


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## WreckTangle (Jan 27, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> How long has your wife been seeing this guy?


Check out my other thread about this...just a few lines below this one. Story takes on a more sinister turn.

This has been, maybe, the hardest thing I've had to deal with since we broke up.

It's not good.


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