# Dating during separation?



## FML2011 (Sep 21, 2011)

Is anyone doing this? 

Backstory: WH and I have not lived under the same roof for almost 5 months. D-day was 7 months ago. I tried to work on the marriage for 2 months after finding out about a 2 yr affair. During those 2 months he continually lied to me, kept in contact with the wh0re and was physically intimate with her as well. Once I asked him to leave, he lived with her for at least a month before they were evicted. She went back to Thailand for a month (yeah, he fell in love with a Thai massage wh0re) but they kept in constant contact and were physically intimate anytime she was in town. 

We have had heated, emotional discussions about ending our marriage or trying to make it work. I know I could never trust him again, I know to much, have seen too much and know I don't love him that 'way' any longer. I've asked him to file for divorce and he keeps stalling so I am going to do it myself next week. I have to go thru the self help center at the courts as I don't have any money. He only gives me a couple hundred bucks a week for food & gas (we have two children age 2 & 4.5 yrs old). I was offered a job, but he stated he couldn't help take care of the kids while I worked (even though he is self employed and creates his own schedule), so my whole paycheck would go to childcare. I have been a stay at home mom since our kids were born.

So now I am dating someone. At first I thought I wasn't ready and I backed off a bit. But soon after I realized that I was ready to move-on with my life. I am really happy with this new guy. He makes me so happy in fact, that I am pleasant with my douche bag WH. Unfortunately, I think DBWH has taken it wrong and sent me flowers on Valentine's day...lol (i gave them to a co-worker to take home).

DBWH doesn't know I am dating and I have a feeling he is going to flip out when he finds out. In addition he is going to flip out when he is served divorce papers. In a perfect situation, I would tell him beforehand that I was filing, but he is unpredictable and shady and I am not sure what he would do. he is hiding money, hiding tax returns, etc. I would love any suggestions/tips on how to handle things once he finds out I'm dating.


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## TMWFYB (Feb 7, 2012)

Hi there hun,
Hey, seven months isn't a very long time, your in the period of time where everything seems upside down and turned around. Reading your post I get the feeling you are hurting badly. I'd say that you have feelings of anger, loneliness, frustration and devastation. Not only have these separation issues causing grief and internal turmoil, the external effects on your loved ones can be very damaging. 

If its just dating, with no committment, I believe thats ok. As long as kids arn't effected. But unfortunately we're human beings and things have a way of developing out of control, really fast. One date leads to two, three and so on. The worst thing that could happen is a 'rebound relationship', They usually dont work because you spend a great deal of time focusing on the 'what if's' from the old relationship which takes something special away from any relationship.

I've living through separation at the moment, I have kids. I just over 50. And even though there are always dating opportunities, I'm giving it a little time before even considering dating etc, and as a result I'm developing an appreciation for myself again. I read books, go to the movies, join small group of friends for dinner occasionally, go to the gym, stuff like that. It is giving me a chance to put everything into perspective. These are the ways I beat the loneliness and other things that I miss without effecting others in my life. 

So take your time girl, consider yourself first, then your kids, then whoever else happens to come along, Theres really no rush, you sound young and have the rest of your life. Always remember... you have options. 


:smthumbup:


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## cabbage65 (Feb 14, 2012)

no...i won't date until d is final. you still have a lot of healing to do. don't let yourself get mixed up in romantic emotions on top of all the other ones you still obviously feel and need to deal with. you will be a better future partner for it.


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## FML2011 (Sep 21, 2011)

Believe me, I am not hurting emotionally any longer for WH. For the past 2.5 years I have been functioning as a single mother. His work has always caused him to work odd hours and when he began the affair, he increasingly was gone from home for longer and longer periods of time (me thinking it was work related). In addition to the affair, he has had a pill addiction for 2.5 yrs that drastically changed his personality. We emotionally disconnected years ago and our sex life was always crappy. When I found out about the affair, my only thought was for my children and that was emotionally devastating. Over the next 2 months, I tried to work on our marriage for the sake of keeping our family together...but I was no longer in love with him. I hadn't been in love with him for some time. I loved him as a person, as the father of my children - but that's it. I was angry at him for the affair because I felt like he owed me the respect of ending our marriage before starting up with someone new. I was also angry that he felt he could get away with it and he actually felt it was normal, that he was entitled to the affair because I was too focused on raising our children. I don't mourn the loss of HIM, I mourned the loss of the family I always wanted to have. I've gone thru the denial, the anger, the depression, the fear, etc. er. When I asked him to leave, I felt better within days. I felt stronger. Over the past 2 yrs I had even thought about leaving him but I never acted on it because I wanted to financial security. Sad but true.

Recently I went to a lecture given by a well known medium and during her lecture she talked about the 5 natural emotions we experience...
Grief is an outlet and a release.
Anger is a tool to say no.
Envy inspires us to try (try again, try harder, try for a longer period of time).
Fear cautions us to stay alive, to remain healthy and safe in the ways we can keep ourselves safe.
Love is the source of our joy and connection to everything in our lives and in the world.

When we repress those emotions...
Grief becomes depression.
Anger becomes rage.
Envy becomes jealousy.
Fear becomes anxiety.
Love becomes possessiveness

I went thru all the repression and it was horrible, but I am much stronger for it. There is more to the story - like he has left the kids and I basically homeless since November. We were evicted from our home and the kids & I were to move into a new place - but he bounced the deposit & rent check the day we were supposed to move in. Luckily I have a great support system in the form of my friends and the kids & I have been staying with friends since. As for hobbies and getting out...I have always done that. I have several networks of supporting friends that I spend time with, I am active in the childrens' school, I work out, etc. I'll be 42 yrs old this year and didn't get married til i was 32 so I've always been fine spending time alone. I am definitely not lonely - but I have been for the past 2-3 yrs of my marriage.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

I've read your story and I really feel for you. I'm like you, in a way, that I've been waiting around for legal service to occur before counterfiling for divorce myself, as I've been separated since May, 2011. A copy of the petition for divorce was "conspiculously" left at my residence by my STBXW, but that doesn't quite comply with what constitutes legal service in my state. I have no compelling evidence that my STBXW is seeing anyone, although by her actions and her many travels, I'm highly suspect. Like you, I'm getting very lonely myself and while I would like to be able to see or date someone right now, I know all too well that until such time that the gavel actually falls, it is not really beneficial to see anyone in a new relationship. 

In your situation, I'd go ahead file for divorce ASAP, even if you have to get legal aid to do it. But I don't think it would be really wise to enter in to a relationship with someone new until such time that your decree is granted primarily because your STBXH could use that in his countersuit that you also are fooling around, which by and large could have some merit in who ultimately gets primary custody of your kids; and the relationships outside of your marriage by both of you would pretty much wash each other out, leaving whoever earns the most as the probable winner. Then your only "out" would have to be that your STBXH was mentally or physically abusive to you and/or the kids. Just a little food for thought! First and foremost, look after those kids, and if you must have a relationship during this process, please keep it as platonic and overt as you possibly can! Best of luck to you, my friend!


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

While reading this I was getting a secondary message of pain and hate in how it is written. 

My humble advice would be to step back a bit as this new guy may be not only a rebound relationship, but being used a bit in the coming days as a beating stick on the, how did you call him....


I wish you well.


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## FML2011 (Sep 21, 2011)

Thanks for all your advice!

*this is me* - I wouldn't say pain & hate...he actually refers to himself as douche-bag...lol. I actually have let go of any pain or hatred, even for the other woman. They have a lot of pain & guilt (so he tells me) and apparently it's the reason they can't be together on a permanent level. I have let go of all of it because I just feel like it's toxic. If he tries to pick a fight, I end the conversation quickly and mentally send him some positive vibes. Works for me.

As for legal ramifications of me dating, I'm in California so it's a no fault divorce. I have no worries about him gaining custody as he is a drug addict, his line of business is not a healthy environment for children and he has no stable place to live.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

That is good. Sounds like you are dealing with this soundly. Not holding it in and forgiving is my advice for sure. Resentment is like punishing oneself rather than the other.

Keep up the positive vibes!


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## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

I can't speak from personal experience, but from having watched a couple of my female friends date while waiting for their divorces to be final-- my impression is that the most important thing is to involve the children as little as possible. Because when/ if the relationship ends it will potentially be just as hard on them as it is on you. So don't let your BF play a paternal role to the kids in any way, and perhaps don't even refer to him as your BF, until you know you are in a VERY stable situation with him. Good luck.


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