# LTRs and the Dating Scene



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

OK, the thread title probably doesn't come across right lol, so let me explain. It seems like there has been a lot of talk about the dating scene these days (is FWB the norm, casual dating/sex, social media, 3 date rule, etc...) along with talks about what someone would do if they suddenly became single (divorce or other). This got Flo thinking, I have been married for quite some time now and it would "appear" that things are much different now then before I started dating my eventual W. If for whatever reason I ended up back on the dating scene (which, honestly would only happen if something tragic occurred) I am not quite sure how well I would fare. 

So, for those who have been in LTRs for a while now, if something happened and you were single again, how do you think you would do in terms of dating based on what you have heard/read? Any things in particular you would find appealing or discouraging? Would you just say "F It" and go about the rest of your life alone?

For those who have just re entered the dating scene after getting out of a LTR, how has it been, any horror or promising stories?

I am sure there are some here who are currently stuck in a LTR and can't wait to finally be single lol.

The W of one of my family member's just recently passed away from Cancer (they had been married for a while, she was only in her late 40s  ). I haven't had a chance to talk to him much about, I can't imagine what is going through his head, and I guess the possible guilt if he did decide to try dating.

Part of what got me thinking about this as well, a member here had posted about how he had been divorced several years and his friends/family is always trying to set them up with someone else. This made me think that some possibly re enter the dating scene via pressure, which I have to imagine if you have been in a LTR for a while seems like quite the daunting task as is.

Disclaimer: I am in no way planning my move back into the single life, just something I was trying to think about how I would handle based on several threads I have come across here of late. I will post my thoughts in a separate post:

Disclaimer v2: "Past Performance Does Not Guarantee Future Results" - completely irrelevant to this thread, just something I am thinking about putting on the headboard in my bedroom lol.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

i hear a lot of encouragement to people who are going through divorce, or worse, getting cheated on and advised to 'go out there and start dating'.
supposedly to help them heal, or distract them from their troubles, revenge, or whatever.

bad idea. 

also, generally people will encourage or even pressure people to go out and start dating. i say why?
let them decide what they want to do.


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## rileyawes (Jun 28, 2016)

I think they mostly want the person to get out of the house, and be happy, but dating when you're not ready is generally a bad idea. People love to fix other people up, and it seems they'll take any excuse. You're right that people need to do it in their own time.

When I become single again, I'll date like I always did, but I might try online dating. I'm not a hookup type person, so I wouldn't feel like I had to hookup to keep up with everyone else. If that's necessary, then, yeah, I guess I'd go through life alone. No one should cave to pressure, but should instead remain their authentic selves and retain their integrity. If you stay true to yourself you're more likely to find someone truly compatible with you.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

I married my high school sweetheart and we were together 25 years, married for 23 before we divorced. Re-entering the dating scene was scary, but once I did it was fine. There was that period of time where I wasn't ready to start dating, but had some opportunities. That was more difficult. 

You get conflicting pressures. You want connection, but your close friends and family want you to heal before you get into a new relationship. You want sex, but you want to be free to explore on your own terms (which is not easy to do when you are committed to someone else). You want to be alone, but you have friends who want to hook you up with 'someone they know'. 

I'm in a committed relationship now and plan for that to be for life. But if something does happen, I'll likely not actively date for a few years. Then just see how it goes. I'm sure I could live on my own with no issues. But I would miss sex. So, there is that. And I prefer sex with one person in committed relationship.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

FWB is the "new norm" for the young crowd. There is just less of a mindset of settling down, until much later in life. There is a lot of media and technology that have replaced relationships. Other than that, many focus on their college or careers.

I had an acquaintance that met a gal on Tinder. He would refer to her as his "bang maid". They would meet up for sex and she would do his laundry. Eventually, they moved in together. Even then, it was a casual relationship.

We have the self-expressive marriage model in today's age, but it goes beyond marriages. Individuals don't want to give up their "I" for "we".


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I began dating, for the first time ever really, at age 38, almost two years after my marriage of nearly 16 years had ended. My ex-husband and I had been together as a couple since a couple months after my 15th birthday. I'd never even really been on a first date with a man who wasn't already my boyfriend. Honestly, when I began dating again, I was pretty terrified. I didn't have even possibly outdated, decades-old, experience to draw on. I had no experience with actual dating at all. 

Happily, my experiences were mostly positive. There is a serious shortage of eligible single men here locally, so I signed up for two online dating sites. It seemed to me that the paid sites were a better source for quality guys who might be looking for an actual relationship - so eHarmony and Match it was. Having done a good bit of healing and introspection, I knew what I was and was not looking for, and what I did and did not have to offer, a partner. My dating profiles were honest and as clear as I could make them. I filtered my matches based on my actual criteria. I approached the whole thing from the standpoint that I wanted a relationship but wasn't desperate for one, and that my only real goal with any date would be to meet an interesting man and have an enjoyable time. 

My first date wasn't nearly as harrowing as I'd imagined such a thing would be. We'd chatted for several days, it was a low-key early supper, and I found I really wasn't even nervous. I had a second date with him before deciding that, although a perfectly lovely man, there was just no spark between us. 

Sure, even with the paid sites there were the occasional creeps, the budding stalkers, the d!ck pics, and the thinly veiled misogynists. On the whole, though I found mostly apparently good guys - all with various baggage of their own. Some of that baggage made us incompatible. Some of them were great guys but one or the other of us, sometimes both, just didn't feel any chemistry. Most of them ended after a couple days of chatting, or a first date, or a second date. But, I also found a few who were worth a longer look. Eventually, I had two brief (3-4 months) relationships. And I have now been with my boyfriend for about 10 months. 

Overall, I would say that it wasn't nearly as scary and daunting as I'd been afraid it would be. But I also took the time to be emotionally healthy alone first, before trying to find a partner. And I wasn't willing to compromise my own boundaries for the sake of finding someone.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

I guess I'll throw in my experience. I've been divorced for almost a year and didn't date right away. I basically waited until I was back to my happy old self before I decided to casually date. Both myself and my single friends would tell you that just about any guy that has a good career, is decent looking, and in shape won't have a problem finding someone to date or even just casually sleep with as long as you're social. I'm not going to be sharing any particular stories now, but I have some good ones that would make you want to try the single life again


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## rileyawes (Jun 28, 2016)

Relationship Teacher said:


> Individuals don't want to give up their "I" for "we".


Yeah, if they're immature and short-sighted. I don't know why some people are afraid to be coupled...if you're losing yourself, it's obviously not a good coupling. It's like they think having their identities erased is a prerequisite for being in a serious relationship. Where do people get these ideas?

There are good and bad things about being in relationships and in being alone, but usually the good outweighs the bad in favor of relationships.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I was involved with my X wife since age 25 but knew here well before that. When I dated in my young 20's no such thing as internet dating, he'll Internet was still new lol. So admittedly dating was very hard unless you knew someone or had an opportunity to break the ice. Those who could just pick up women at bars were awe factor to me.

Divorced late 30's the game had changed. While processing through divorce I also wondered about dating so started reading online. I was shocked by the horror stories, being used, no sex for years and so on. 

So when I started dating I was pretty exclusively online. I found out that the truth was a breeze. I certinaly had my learning curve and got taken for some free meals, set up as the standby guy, Was lied to by a married women who said she was divorced when she wasn't. But all those were few and far between. I dated a lot and enjoyed it. Even though I am committed now if I was single tomorrow I have zero worries about dating. You don't need a ton of money or be the best looking. What you do need is confidence and you'll have no problems getting date.

Relationships is a whole other matter but dating no issues


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

I have never been a social butterfly...for whatever reason, women are slow to warm up to me. But when they do, they all wanted LTRs. During my single days, I'd go a long time after ending a relationship before even the next "first date" but all first dates led to many more, unless I was the one who decided she wasn't interesting.

In order not to reduce my chances of creating an LTR, I have tried to "sniff the air" and determine what is common and expected. It isn't just variable by year (2016 is different from 1986) but also your age and stage in life. At my age, it would be unusual to meet an appropriate-age woman who wanted to start a family. And, it would be unusual to meet a woman who isn't sexually experienced and comfortable with her body. So, sex isn't one of those things you nervously wonder about any more, as it was for me 30+ years ago. It's just going to be part of a relationship. Well, I assume that, at my age...it appeared to be true when I was in my 30s and dating.

So, if a split happens, what I'd probably do is find activity groups that seem to have a decent quantity of folks my age, enjoy doing activities with those groups, and from a group of people with whom I already share an activity, find women appropriate to date, and see what they expect and act accordingly unless it goes against my own thoughts about what's right to do.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

EllisRedding said:


> So, for those who have been in LTRs for a while now, if something happened and you were single again, how do you think you would do in terms of dating based on what you have heard/read? Any things in particular you would find appealing or discouraging? Would you just say "F It" and go about the rest of your life alone?


Well, I sure hope not to ever be back on the dating scene! I am really, _really_ happy with my current relationship. 

However, I think I'd do just fine. I'm at an age where what most women perceive as good men are getting scarcer versus the population of what most men perceive as good women, but I might have to move to weight the best prospects in my favor, given the traits I'd be seeking. Those traits would be the same as those that make my current relationship so amazing.

I wouldn't worry about finding someone. I'd just keep dating until I get a fantastic match - it would happen eventually. I wouldn't care about marrying again either, but wouldn't rule it out.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Ellis, like you, I wonder if I would fare well. I look at my dad, widowed 2 years, and he struggles with whether he should start seeing ladies or not. One sister, even last year, was adamantly opposed to him dating at all because... well... it was always "Mom and Dad" for 40 years. I told him from the start that whether he dates or not is up to him, I would support him no matter his choice. He has not entered the dating scene. I honestly don't think he will. He wouldn't do casual dating, nor FWB (or equivalent label), or "test drive", etc. If he were to start dating again, he would want companionship, with a like-minded lady his age (66). But, honestly, this is how I would be in the dating pool, too. The only real difference is that I would want a sexual relationship with a new spouse, not merely companionship. But the rest would still be the same for me. Hence my prediction... I wouldn't fare well lol.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Maricha75 said:


> Ellis, like you, I wonder if I would fare well. I look at my dad, widowed 2 years, and he struggles with whether he should start seeing ladies or not. One sister, even last year, was adamantly opposed to him dating at all because... well... it was always "Mom and Dad" for 40 years. I told him from the start that whether he dates or not is up to him, I would support him no matter his choice. He has not entered the dating scene. I honestly don't think he will. He wouldn't do casual dating, nor FWB (or equivalent label), or "test drive", etc. If he were to start dating again, he would want companionship, with a like-minded lady his age (66). But, honestly, this is how I would be in the dating pool, too. The only real difference is that I would want a sexual relationship with a new spouse, not merely companionship. But the rest would still be the same for me. Hence my prediction... I wouldn't fare well lol.
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk


I wonder as well, there has to be a difference I would think with someone becoming single b/c of a divorce vs. someone becoming single via a death (voluntarily vs involuntarily becoming single). After a divorce I could see it being a breathe of fresh air, but after a death IDK, it has to be so much more complicated (along with the feeling of guilt, etc...).


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jorgegene said:


> i hear a lot of encouragement to people who are going through divorce, or worse, getting cheated on and advised to 'go out there and start dating'.
> supposedly to help them heal, or distract them from their troubles, revenge, or whatever.
> 
> bad idea.
> ...


When my first LTR crashed and burned (she left me for a woman) I didn’t date for several years as I felt so gutted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

EllisRedding said:


> So, for those who have been in LTRs for a while now, if something happened and you were single again, how do you think you would do in terms of dating based on what you have heard/read? Any things in particular you would find appealing or discouraging? Would you just say "F It" and go about the rest of your life alone?


I have never in my life worried about dating. I am me and if guys don't like me then they can just go away. I have never pursued anyone. I choose to be in the relationship I am in right now, but I know if something happened and that relationship no longer existed I'd be perfectly fine on my own. I like my own company. And then if I did meet someone who interested me and it developed from there, so much the better.

I do like sex, though, so I would probably find a FWB or something. Or maybe just a really good toy. Who knows.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Hope1964 said:


> I have never in my life worried about dating. I am me and if guys don't like me then they can just go away. I have never pursued anyone. I choose to be in the relationship I am in right now, but I know if something happened and that relationship no longer existed I'd be perfectly fine on my own. I like my own company. And then if I did meet someone who interested me and it developed from there, so much the better.
> 
> I do like sex, though, so I would probably find a FWB or something. Or maybe just a really good toy. Who knows.


Just get yourself a Green Bay Packer :wink2:


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Relationship Teacher said:


> FWB is the "new norm" for the young crowd. There is just less of a mindset of settling down, until much later in life. There is a lot of media and technology that have replaced relationships. Other than that, many focus on their college or careers.
> 
> I had an acquaintance that met a gal on Tinder. He would refer to her as his "bang maid". They would meet up for sex and she would do his laundry. Eventually, they moved in together. Even then, it was a casual relationship.
> 
> We have the self-expressive marriage model in today's age, but it goes beyond marriages. * Individuals don't want to give up their "I" for "we"*.


I agree it's all about the "I" today...

I don't believe I would fare well ... I would expect to get lied to, men just wanting sex without exclusivity/ commitment...and people who have been so hurt in previous relationships.. their trust levels are shot to hell..

I would feel like a fish out of water... the only thing that would keep me sane is being a Realist ...basically my expectations for finding something authentic would be very low... 

Even though with my husband.. I've been an Idealist..

What really sucks for me is.. I would *not* enjoy being alone....I would crave, lust, be envious, even pray for another long term romantic relationship... I'd miss waking up to someone every morning...& all that entails... 

I would seek men recently widowed, who had good marriages, the monogamous type...over those entrenched in the dating scene.. They know all the usual games and BS to play.... with all the white lying, multiple dating ways...I'd also anticipate "ghosting" which I find very rude...even deplorable..

I pray I never have to wade through this in life..


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

EllisRedding said:


> I wonder as well, there has to be a difference I would think with someone becoming single b/c of a divorce vs. someone becoming single via a death (voluntarily vs involuntarily becoming single). After a divorce I could see it being a breathe of fresh air, but after a death IDK, it has to be so much more complicated (along with the feeling of guilt, etc...).


I can't speak for everyone, but even if my husband and I were to divorce, I would still have the same point of view on this. Either way, I can't imagine it.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

SimplyAmorous said:


> What really sucks for me is.. I would *not* enjoy being alone....I would crave, lust, be envious, even pray for another long term romantic relationship... I'd miss waking up to someone every morning...& all that entails...


Was waiting for you to pop in :grin2:

Per the above, my W and I had this conversation recently. I would be fine alone (not that I wouldn't miss the companionship but I wouldn't need it to be happy) but my W said she would have a really hard time being alone. So with what you said above, and with my Ws thoughts, I guess the concern would be the willingness to put yourselves in a less than ideal situation just to not be alone.

The problem as well, if something tragic did happen, for me at least (but I am sure you would feel the same way), my W has set the bar so high that I don't know how easy it would be to accept being with someone else.

As you said, hopefully we (or our spouses) are not confronted with this scenario anytime in near or distant future!


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I agree it's all about the "I" today...
> 
> I don't believe I would fare well ... I would expect to get lied to, men just wanting sex without exclusivity/ commitment...and people who have been so hurt in previous relationships.. their trust levels are shot to hell..


Women do this too, which really can make dating a bit complicated for both genders unless you're good at weeding people out.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

EllisRedding said:


> I wonder as well, there has to be a difference I would think with someone becoming single b/c of a divorce vs. someone becoming single via a death (*voluntarily vs involuntarily becoming single*). After a divorce I could see it being a breathe of fresh air, but after a death IDK, it has to be so much more complicated (along with the feeling of guilt, etc...).


In many cases one of the spouses in a divorce did not want the divorce and is thus involuntarily single.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

I've actually given your question lots of thought Ellis and all I can say 'Lawd help me if I ever end up single again>'


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Lila said:


> I've actually given your question lots of thought Ellis and all I can say 'Lawd help me if I ever end up single again>'


Lol, I have faith in you Lila. Your first question you ask a potential date, "Would you visit me if I was in the hospital?". That'll weed em out quick :grin2:


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> I have never in my life worried about dating. I am me and if guys don't like me then they can just go away. I have never pursued anyone. I choose to be in the relationship I am in right now, but I know if something happened and that relationship no longer existed I'd be perfectly fine on my own. I like my own company. And then if I did meet someone who interested me and it developed from there, so much the better.
> 
> I do like sex, though, so I would probably find a FWB or something. Or maybe just a really good toy. Who knows.


I totally agree. I would add that I don't think I would marry again.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Can't imagine ever being with anyone else ever again. And we're struggling with some things right now.

I've been with him 3/5's of my life (roughly); I barely remember me without him.

I can only imagine that if he passed before me, that I might get involved in things that I don't now. Rescuing critters in need, something like that. If I met someone who was on that wavelength, I could maybe emotionally bond with them. But, I really don't know.

I would really hope for the strength to be alone. If I was significantly older; hopefully I wouldn't have any sex drive to speak of, so that craving wouldn't affect my decision making.


It's weird though; if I died, I really hope he could find someone else. I pre-worry for him though. For all his verbal arrogance and somewhat intimidating presence physically; I know that he's jelly inside. I'd hate to think of him being taken advantage of.

I'm almost positive I would never do the online thing. I have to sense a person in real life and get a feel for them.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

EllisRedding said:


> I wonder as well, there has to be a difference I would think with someone becoming single b/c of a divorce vs. someone becoming single via a death (voluntarily vs involuntarily becoming single). After a divorce I could see it being a breathe of fresh air, but after a death IDK, it has to be so much more complicated (along with the feeling of guilt, etc...).


I agree with this...I know for 100% sure that I wouldn't marry again if my husband died, and I honestly don't know if I could even get involved with another man again...I can't bear the thought of another man's hands on me...I only want my husband.

My brothers and I often feel for our mum...her and dad were married 42 years when he died, at only 63  That's a long time for mum to be alone but yet there's still that pull of loyalty to dad. We do agree though that at the end of the day it's none of our business and *if* mum did meet someone, we'd deal with our feelings between the three of us...not with mum, that wouldn't be fair.

I can't see that happening though...my youngest brother is too protective of mum...I can almost see him organising his mates to kidnap the poor man, put a hood over his head and drive him to a distant warehouse where my bro is waiting in a dark room with a single flickering light over a table...then the interrogation begins, lololol.

Even mum agrees that he wouldn't cope if she met someone hehe!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Bananapeel said:


> Women do this too, which really can make dating a bit complicated for both genders unless you're good at weeding people out.


Oh you wouldn't find me arguing this !!


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

notmyrealname4 said:


> It's weird though; if I died, I really hope he could find someone else. I pre-worry for him though. For all his verbal arrogance and somewhat intimidating presence physically; I know that he's jelly inside. I'd hate to think of him being taken advantage of.
> 
> I'm almost positive I would never do the online thing. I have to sense a person in real life and get a feel for them.


Yeah, IDK. I mean, I would want my W to be happy, and maybe this sounds arrogant, but I honestly believe no one could make her happy like I could, and I don't like the idea of her settling with someone else just for the sake of settling.

The online thing would be a positive or a negative for me. On the positive side, I have never been the type of person who would want to go out to the bar scene to meet someone, get set up on a blind date, etc... just not my personality and wouldn't interest me. Going the online route though would make things so much easier for myself though since I can interact with people on my own terms.

On the negative side, one of the things I enjoy with the online community, if I am in the mood to interact with people I simply log in. If not, I just don't go online, it is that easy. No pressure, not concerned about actually meeting people IRL, etc... Online dating would obviously contradict this, not sure how much I would enjoy

So basically, I would be better off on my own lol



frusdil said:


> I agree with this...I know for 100% sure that I wouldn't marry again if my husband died, and I honestly don't know if I could even get involved with another man again...I can't bear the thought of another man's hands on me...I only want my husband.
> 
> My brothers and I often feel for our mum...her and dad were married 42 years when he died, at only 63  That's a long time for mum to be alone but yet there's still that pull of loyalty to dad. We do agree though that at the end of the day it's none of our business and *if* mum did meet someone, we'd deal with our feelings between the three of us...not with mum, that wouldn't be fair.
> 
> ...


This is in part what got my W and I talking about this. The 1yr anniversary of my aunt passing away from cancer (I think she was late 40s) just came up, so my Uncle is a widower and has 2 daughters (early 20s). He seems to be doing "ok" but I just can't imagine how he is dealing with this, and I am sure at some point the question will come up about whether or not he should try to meet someone else. Add to that the fact that things are already strained with his one daughter since his W passed away.

I know in my situation currently, if something did happen my attention would be 110% on our 3 young kids (and our 3 dogs of course), that leaves no room for anyone else, plain and simple. What sounds weird to say (and I admit almost a bit hypocritical), if for some crazy reason I did try dating, I don't think I could date someone with kids. As is 3 kids is a lot, so I can't imagine not only adding more into the mix, and on top of that, having my kids feel like they have to compete with someone else's kids.

Well, just gotta make sure my W takes her vitamins, annual doctors visits, yoga, etc... so this never even becomes a consideration!!!


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

EllisRedding said:


> Yeah, IDK. I mean, I would want my W to be happy, and maybe this sounds arrogant, but* I honestly believe no one could make her happy like I could*, and I don't like the idea of her settling with someone else just for the sake of settling.


You're absolutely right: no-one will ever make her happy like you can.

Your relationship is unique; as in, there has never been one like it in all of human history, and never will be again. Ah, profundity:nerd:


But, I think widow/widower relationships; especially as you become a senior, are in no way, shape or form, like the love of earlier life.

More like two people keeping each other company for the remainder of their years.

One thing I told my husband once. "If I die, and you meet someone else, don't feel guilty if she makes you happier than me in any way." As in, she's a great cook, or the sex is better, or she loves sports. I'm gone. And if our belief system is true; I'm in a place where I can't be hurt anymore; and I'd be overjoyed that you were spared being alone, and had a loving (new) wife.


Still, I would hate for my husband to get taken advantage of, if he was an older guy, vulnerable; and someone was able to use him, hurt him. I think most people would be amazed at how naive he can be.

I'm getting verklempt.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

notmyrealname4 said:


> One thing I told my husband once. "If I die, and you meet someone else, don't feel guilty if she makes you happier than me in any way." As in, she's a great cook, or the sex is better, or she loves sports. I'm gone. And if our belief system is true; I'm in a place where I can't be hurt anymore; and I'd be overjoyed that you were spared being alone, and had a loving (new) wife.


Now that is real love. I so wish I could say that to my husband...I can't bear the thought of him with someone else (I wouldn't say that to him of course)...I would want him to be happy though. I don't think he'd do well alone.

I would be ok I think...I'd grieve and miss him terribly, but I'd throw myself into raising our girl and our dog rescue...my memories of us would keep me going. I honestly don't think that, inspite of both his and my imperfections, that any man could ever compare to him...

I myself would never date a widower...don't want to compete with a ghost.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

frusdil said:


> I would be ok I think...I'd grieve and miss him terribly, but I'd throw myself into raising our girl and* our dog rescue*...my memories of us would keep me going. I honestly don't think that, inspite of both his and my imperfections, that any man could ever compare to him...
> 
> *I myself would never date a widower*...don't want to compete with a ghost.


Yes, I think devoting yourself to a cause; especially one that cares for living things, would be attractive to me too.


The widow/widower type relationship must be interesting. A bit problematic if you're still young; like you say, there would be inevitable comparisons.

I always imagine it for people who are around or over retirement age; and it is mostly for companionship.

I could imagine visiting a first wife's gravestone with such a husband, to put flowers on it and allow him to pay his respects.

And, I would still have photos of my husband around, I'm sure. I would see it as a unique type of marriage.

If I could see myself getting re-married at all.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

EllisRedding said:


> This is in part what got my W and I talking about this. The 1yr anniversary of my aunt passing away from cancer (I think she was late 40s) just came up, so my Uncle is a widower and has 2 daughters (early 20s). He seems to be doing "ok" but I just can't imagine how he is dealing with this, and I am sure at some point the question will come up about whether or not he should try to meet someone else. Add to that the fact that things are already strained with his one daughter since his W passed away.


MIL's husband who is reasonably young, is terminal with cancer. It's been a challenging few years for them, to say the least. She really has been his rock. 

For her own sense of self, we have suggested she take up something that is for her (part-time work / volunteering). She agrees she needs this. Her confidence has been affected with everything they are going through. 

My feeling, that I've shared with hubs, is for us to be prepared that she may (understandably) completely fall-apart when he passes. If that happens, she may need/want to live with us for a time. It may take some time and TLC for her to rebuild herself. Aside from emotional support, financial security is a concern.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

TAM stories have caused me to give this a lot of thought. I could not deal with the dating scene. My H was my first boyfriend and although I wanted to be his gf from the moment I laid eyes on him on my first day in high school, he was a senior and showed no interest. I desperately tried to be interested in in boys that pursued me but there was just nothing there. 

The best I can see myself doing is going on maybe 2 or 3 dates and ending it because apparently the man is going to expect sex at that point. As much as I LOVE sex I'm not interested in having it with someone I'm not deeply in love with but I know the type of man I'm attracted to would not be willing to wait. I'm attracted to men with edge but not a jerk, which is apparently a hard combination to find. 

Plus I have 2, soon to be 3 kids and I am fairly certain that I'm not going to expose them to other men, especially if the reason I am single is because of divorce. So the odds are highly stacked against me if anything were to end my marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

EllisRedding said:


> I know in my situation currently, if something did happen my attention would be 110% on our 3 young kids (and our 3 dogs of course), that leaves no room for anyone else, plain and simple. What sounds weird to say (and I admit almost a bit hypocritical), if for some crazy reason I did try dating, I don't think I could date someone with kids. As is 3 kids is a lot, so I can't imagine not only adding more into the mix, and on top of that, having my kids feel like they have to compete with someone else's kids.


 here is the thing that gets me.. what about sex?? you won't miss it terribly? I tend to see you more as on Older fashioned type gentleman.... but maybe I am wrong.. so you'd just find some on the side.. or stick with porn to take care of it??

I seriously ask this.. for those men who wouldn't be looking... so you'd happily give up sex then too.. children will fill all the voids.. 

I wouldn't want to just be some man's "left overs".. when he gets in the mood....

In all ways.. we should seek what we want to give to another.. try not to settle for less.. though this isn't always possible.. I know.. our options will be limited as we age...I guess it's good the sex drive often goes along with it..


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I met my husband at 18. We were living together a year later. We really have grown into adulthood together and I value what we have shared. Sometimes it's been awkward and confusing with issues playing out in our dynamic. We put in the effort and who we are now, as a couple and individuals, is solid. I love and respect the pants off my husband. What a privilege to be part of his story and see it unfold. I've seen what he's learned over the years and how it shapes him to the man he has become. And that man is incredibly special to me. 

We are both fairly extroverted, talking to people easily (him even more so than me). It may be different when connecting for a date; I wouldn't know. There have been all of a couple of times in more recent years where I have been at a bar with a single friend. I was surprised how often we were approached. This was a typical night out for my friend. I personally didn't see the appeal. 

How my husband and I met was through a common interest (and perhaps, him being bold). Despite being a social butterfly, I can be content in my own company. Realistically it would be a complete shift to what I know and, to some extent, who I am. I'm not qualified to even guess how I'd be in the dating scene. While I might consider online wouldn't be for me, who knows until you're actually going through it or perhaps, have experienced it? 

I have told my husband he'd be in for a shock with all those women out there who can .....(gasp)..... cook. He has said to me if something were to happen to him, he'd want me to find someone else; to live my life, be happy and not mourn for him. He said he'd mourn me for at least a week then he'd get over it. And I ought to do the same.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

SimplyAmorous said:


> here is the thing that gets me.. what about sex?? you won't miss it terribly? I tend to see you more as on Older fashioned type gentleman.... but maybe I am wrong.. so you'd just find some on the side.. or stick with porn to take care of it??
> 
> I seriously ask this.. for those men who wouldn't be looking... so you'd happily give up sex then too.. children will fill all the voids..
> 
> ...


Good question. Would I miss sex, most definitely. Could I give it up under these circumstances, yes. I have been through dry spells over the years and after a while you just kinda become numb to it, it becomes easier to not have sex then to have it sporadically, so I would imagine it would be similar.

The big issue with this, I am not casual sex person. This would mean I would need to first actually find someone I like enough to start a relationship with before sex even became an option. Not to sound arrogant b/c that is something I am not, but I would have zero issues meeting women or getting women interested in me, so that wouldn't be the issue. Would I be willing to put the time and effort in to try and build a relationship, especially when being the best father possible would be my only real concern, I don't think so, nor would it be fair to the other person. Plus, at least for the foreseeable future with the kids, I would not even expose them to another women until I was 100% positive I wanted this person in their lives which could take many many months. Until then what do I do, sneak around like a teenager, doesn't sound all that appealing lol. 

My personality lends itself to being alone, so I guess that is why it wouldn't seem like a big deal to me. My W is the opposite though, so I believe she would eventually look for someone else, and definitely wouldn't have any issues finding someone.

I guess in many respects as well, it would depend on what point of your life you are in. If my kids were full grown, maybe things are looked at differently. Hard to say since obviously we are just talking hypothetical.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

EllisRedding said:


> Good question. Would I miss sex, most definitely. Could I give it up under these circumstances, yes. I have been through dry spells over the years and after a while you just kinda become numb to it, it becomes easier to not have sex, so I would imagine it would be similar.
> 
> The big issue with this, I am not casual sex person. This would mean I would need to first actually find someone I like enough to start a relationship with before sex even became an option. Not to sound arrogant b/c that is something I am not, but I would have zero issues meeting women or getting women interested in me, so that wouldn't be the issue. *Would I be willing to put the time and effort in to try and build a relationship, especially when being the best father possible would be my only real concern, I don't think so, nor would it be fair to the other person. *
> 
> I guess in many respects as well, it would depend on what point of your life you are in. If my kids were full grown, maybe things are looked at differently. Hard to say since obviously we are just talking hypothetical.


I would be pathetically bored with just my children.. we took a trip to the ocean last week...so many times I told my husband.. I want to just ditch them and go off with him alone... we ended up sleeping on the balcony -I wanted away from them!!... this was great for some







in the middle of the night too...

I'd miss all of that something awful.. I'd be lonely without a man by my side... I wish I didn't feel this way.. I'd have to be very very careful to not fall for someone not good for me.. and somehow wait it out ...to find someone truly compatible.. 

I'd probably be on every dating sight...trying to sift through the liars & philanderers.... asking all my friends if they knew of any single good men... I'm a little relentless when I am after something.. with so many options with meeting people on the net now.. I'm sure I'd find someone.. the problem would be ... what if we live far away from each other.. long distance relationships I don't think work well.. you can't really gauge what someone is like unless you spend a ton of time with them on a daily basis... so I feel anyway.. 

I'd also be praying for what is best for me... I got down on my knees at age 15 & asked God to send me a good guy, who wanted ME , not just a roll in the hay...who'd be there for me.. basically my soul mate.. I met him 3 months later...its always felt like it was "meant to be".. me & him...though I think finding a love like that, we're lucky if we find it once in a lifetime... 

My husband has said he wouldn't think it was fair to the next woman.. if something happened to me.. I see it a little different over him.. I understand I'll need to grieve.. it would be the most grueling thing I've ever lived through.. I'd probably even need Meds to get through it.. for a time...but we have to pick ourselves UP again... and not live in the past.. I'm afraid I'd live in the past.. if I didn't find another.. this wouldn't be healthy either...


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I would be pathetically bored with just my children.. we took a trip to the ocean last week...so many times I told my husband..


I am the person who would be perfectly fine going to movies by myself every weekend, going out to eat by myself, go for long drives along the coast, etc... My life wouldn't revolve solely around my kids as I am one who needs my personal space. As long as I got that personal space I think I would be fine. My guess if I ever did meet someone, it would be more by chance then by me actively looking. I would also use the extra alone time to step up my MEME/gif game on TAM :grin2:




SimplyAmorous said:


> I want to just ditch them and go off with him alone... we ended up sleeping on the balcony -I wanted away from them!!... this was great for some
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

EllisRedding said:


> Good question. Would I miss sex, most definitely. Could I give it up under these circumstances, yes. *I have been through dry spells over the years and after a while you just kinda become numb to it, it becomes easier to not have sex then to have it sporadically, so I would imagine it would be similar*.
> 
> The big issue with this, I am not casual sex person. This would mean I would need to first actually find someone I like enough to start a relationship with before sex even became an option. Not to sound arrogant b/c that is something I am not, but I would have zero issues meeting women or getting women interested in me, so that wouldn't be the issue. Would I be willing to put the time and effort in to try and build a relationship, especially when being the best father possible would be my only real concern, I don't think so, nor would it be fair to the other person. Plus, at least for the foreseeable future with the kids, I would not even expose them to another women until I was 100% positive I wanted this person in their lives which could take many many months. Until then what do I do, sneak around like a teenager, doesn't sound all that appealing lol.
> 
> ...


i agree. i don't need sex like some guys do, so i could go without.

my problem is i found that 'pearl of great price'. a wife so sweet and loving, i could never replace her in a million years. so i probably shouldn't even try. cause i'd be disappointed.


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

heartsbeating said:


> I have told my husband he'd be in for a shock with all those women out there who can .....(gasp)..... cook. He has said to me if something were to happen to him, he'd want me to find someone else; to live my life, be happy and not mourn for him. He said he'd mourn me for at least a week then he'd get over it. And I ought to do the same.


My aunt passed away a few years back, leaving my uncle single for the first time in over 50 years. It took him about a week to hook up with a new woman, but it turned out that it wasn't really all that easy to just move on. He and his new gf didn't last long because he hadn't and couldn't forget or let go of his wife. He still isn't doing well without her. It's easy to say that you would move on, but harder to do, I think.

Personally, in the same situation, I would aim for FWB for companionship and sex. That strikes me as a good balance between being alone and the whole nine yards of marriage and commitment.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

jorgegene said:


> i agree. i don't need sex like some guys do, so i could go without.
> 
> my problem is i found that 'pearl of great price'. a wife so sweet and loving, i could never replace her in a million years. so i probably shouldn't even try. cause i'd be disappointed.


Agreed, I had posted that thought before as well, would be tough when the bar is already set so high.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

wild jade said:


> My aunt passed away a few years back, leaving my uncle single for the first time in over 50 years. It took him about a week to hook up with a new woman, but it turned out that it wasn't really all that easy to just move on. He and his new gf didn't last long because he hadn't and couldn't forget or let go of his wife. He still isn't doing well without her. It's easy to say that you would move on, but harder to do, I think.
> 
> Personally, in the same situation, I would aim for FWB for companionship and sex. That strikes me as a good balance between being alone and the whole nine yards of marriage and commitment.


I'm sorry to hear about your Aunt passing.

It certainly would not be easy. My husband was not being literal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

OK, so here is something interesting (and I guess ironic since I just mentioned this). I had mentioned my aunt (My uncle's wife, i.e. my uncle is the one actually related to me) passed away just over a year ago (part of what had this conversation with my W come up). Well, I just found out that my uncle is dating, and wants to bring his lady friend to a family gathering we are having at the end of August. 

I see no issues with this, but my mom and aunt don't seem to approve. IMO if he has met someone that makes him happy, he should very well be able to move forward, who am I to judge him on this? Now don't get me wrong, I don't think it would be appropriate if he just started bringing random women along to family gatherings, but if he thinks this person could be someone special, what is he supposed to do, keep her hidden in the closet? I was informed though that since my POV is different from my Mom/Aunt it is because I am a guy  So if that is true, this means that the "guy" POV places emphasis on the person's happiness over their own self interests lol. Funny enough, I just mentioned to my wife and her response was "Good for him." Guess that kinda debunks the whole "gender" play...


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

If the spouse is dead there is no longer any obligation to not have romantic relationships. Now if the spouse just died a few weeks ago, yeah it sure looks sketchy to be dating. But after a year there most certainly is nothing at all wrong with seeking new romance.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

My boyfriend's father was widowed almost 5 years ago. He's recently, rather bashfully really, expressed some thought to having coffee with a widowed lady who lives in his neighborhood. I think it's wonderful. My boyfriend thinks it's wonderful. The grandkids think it's wonderful. But his daughter is freaking the hell out. 

It's like she feels her father is somehow betraying her mom's memory. It's just crazy how violently opposed she is to even thinking about her dad finding some companionship. She seems so threatened by two lonely adults, neither of whom have been on a first date since the Kennedy administration, having coffee together. I really just don't get it.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Rowan said:


> My boyfriend's father was widowed almost 5 years ago. He's recently, rather bashfully really, expressed some thought to having coffee with a widowed lady who lives in his neighborhood. I think it's wonderful. My boyfriend thinks it's wonderful. The grandkids think it's wonderful. But his daughter is freaking the hell out.
> 
> It's like she feels her father is somehow betraying her mom's memory. It's just crazy how violently opposed she is to even thinking about her dad finding some companionship. She seems so threatened by two lonely adults, neither of whom have been on a first date since the Kennedy administration, having coffee together. I really just don't get it.


Exactly, so the daughter is more concerned with her own issues then her father's happiness. I am not saying it is easy by any stretch for her but you need to fully understand your motives, and if it is something internal, that is where it should be dealt.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Rowan said:


> My boyfriend's father was widowed almost 5 years ago. He's recently, rather bashfully really, expressed some thought to having coffee with a widowed lady who lives in his neighborhood. I think it's wonderful. My boyfriend thinks it's wonderful. The grandkids think it's wonderful. But his daughter is freaking the hell out.
> 
> It's like she feels her father is somehow betraying her mom's memory. It's just crazy how violently opposed she is to even thinking about her dad finding some companionship. She seems so threatened by two lonely adults, neither of whom have been on a first date since the Kennedy administration, having coffee together. I really just don't get it.


Have you had a similar experience with your own parents?

About 5 years after my dad died, my mom was courted by a man in her assisted living facility. I saw them sitting close to each other one day when we visited.

I cried on the way home from that visit. It just felt wrong to see my mom with another man. There was no good reason why. My dad was dead, after all. It was a purely emotional reaction.

His sister just needs some time to work through her emotions. I hope your bf can be understanding and supportive of her.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

jld said:


> Have you had a similar experience with your own parents?
> 
> About 5 years after my dad died, my mom was courted by a man in her assisted living facility. I saw them sitting close to each other one day when we visited.
> 
> ...



We do understand that it is an emotional thing for her. And time to work through her emotions about it would be something everyone could support. But the way she's expressing herself about it is more in line with a wrathful toddler than a rational adult. Once you find yourself screaming in your father's face that he is "Absolutely forbidden to ever talk to that woman again!", maybe it's time for a little self-reflection? The man is 68 years old and in full possession of his faculties. It's like she's forgotten that he's a fully functional adult, with free will and his own life. And she's been overtly hostile about the situation for going on 3 months now. At this point, it's hard to think she's doing anything but putting her own wishes ahead of her father's happiness.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Rowan said:


> We do understand that it is an emotional thing for her. And time to work through her emotions about it would be something everyone could support. But the way she's expressing herself about it is more in line with a wrathful toddler than a rational adult. Once you find yourself screaming in your father's face that he is "Absolutely forbidden to ever talk to that woman again!", maybe it's time for a little self-reflection? The man is 68 years old and in full possession of his faculties. It's like she's forgotten that he's a fully functional adult, with free will and his own life. And she's been overtly hostile about the situation for going on 3 months now. At this point, it's hard to think she's doing anything but putting her own wishes ahead of her father's happiness.


It sounds like there is lots to explore there. Is she in counseling?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Rowan said:


> My boyfriend's father was widowed almost 5 years ago. He's recently, rather bashfully really, expressed some thought to having coffee with a widowed lady who lives in his neighborhood. I think it's wonderful. My boyfriend thinks it's wonderful. The grandkids think it's wonderful. But his daughter is freaking the hell out.
> 
> It's like she feels her father is somehow betraying her mom's memory. It's just crazy how violently opposed she is to even thinking about her dad finding some companionship. She seems so threatened by two lonely adults, neither of whom have been on a first date since the Kennedy administration, having coffee together. I really just don't get it.


How sad.

She cares about how she feels about her father's life than she does his feelings about his own life...

SMH...

Edit: I see Ellis beat me to it.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

There was an article just posted about how Terri Irwin has not dated and has no interest to since her husband (Crocodile Hunter) died nearly 10 yrs ago. 

What I found interesting about this, some of the comments were actually showing pity for her, that she was unable to move on and date again  I don't get it, so the sign of her moving on and being happy would be based on her dating habits???? Maybe she is at peace with everything, doesn't need another mate in her life to be happy. I know for myself, if something tragic did happen I can't honestly say whether or not I would eventually date again. I do know, as with my personality, I am perfectly fine being alone, that is not a sign of unhappiness.


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

I can be a bit intimidating to men, so I'm told, so I often am the one who initiates the early phase of a relationship. It's worked for me. As for dating after a long marriage, I did so briefly and kinda got it out of my system. To think about a true LTR right now... I'm not so sure. I don't want to date around, but I also don't want to be tied down. It's a weird spot. And I'd like to have sex... What to do...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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