# Relapse -Where to now



## oddball

I have multiple addictions. My first was gambling, and when I quit that 8 years ago, I replaced it with drugs for 2 years. I then got clean in NA - and have stayed clean for 6 years. ( full disclosure - I am not clean according to NA as I drink alcohol and smoke some weed. However, this is done with my wife - and is agreed. It doesn't screw my life up. I no longer attend meetings - for a variety of reasons which I can talk about, but they are not substantive to the issue at hand.)

My wife has stuck by me, and I have been doing pretty well. 2 years ago my wife had an EA with an old boyfriend, and we have had lots of conflict about how we raise our three children, and money. We also have a lot of conflict about my wifes lack of affection, lack of sex, and her constant need for control, and her undermining me in front of the children.

We have been in counseling twice a month for about a year.

We run our own business, and the recession has been tough. I needed to man up - take control, and have done that. My wife is supposed to help me in the business, but is quite elusive. She is very focussed on our 3 girls and they are definitely her priority. We struggle month to month with school fees, medical cover, house repayments etc, and rarely have money left. We have limited savings. She continues to spend as she wishes,(on the girls, not herself) and she controls all finances - a legacy of my addiction and lack of trust.

This weekend, my wife again told me in front of our children that I was a crap father. I was having an shouting match with my 13 year old, who treats me with little respect. The issue was we needed to be somewhere - and as usual she was not ready. So the whole family is in the car waiting for a 13 year old, who has not done what she should have in time to be ready. This is regular. I find it poor behaviour, because it reflects a lack of consideration for the rest of the family. I lost my temper, I could have handled it better.

Our children are at a challenging age, especially the 13 year old. My problem is, that when my wife looses it, I back her up - talk to her privately - and then agree on what to do. She has a temper, and can shout more than me - we agree its wrong - But i never reprimand her in front of the children. I expect the same from her - but she happily throws me under the bus.

I feel very isolated in my family (3 girl children, who tell me all the time I dont understand because I am not a girl) and my wife always pacifies them. I guess I am the "bad cop" dad.

My wife is a very poor communicator. She likes to watch tv instead of talking to me.

She never initiates sex - and we are heading to a sexless marriage - despite my protest. 

These issues are all out there - have been spoken about in therapy - but very little change from her.

To destroy what possibility of saving our marriage I have had a 1 month long serious relapse with gambling. I have run up a credit card debt of about $2000. Where I live, that is nearly a months salary! I am banned from the casino - but found no one checks. Bizarre.

So here I sit - the usual addicts remorse, regret, and depression. My wife does not know, I have only shared with one friend from my NA days - we work in the same building. 

So, from attempted hero straight back to zero. I now see no way forward in pushing for the changes I expect my wife to make in order to be happier. In short:
supporting each other in front of the children
talking
sex
intimacy.

I know when she finds out about my relapse its going to be 'oddball the untrustworthy' again. I will be sent to the dogbox, with the expectation I remain there infinitum. Any changes I wish to see will be met with "youre the untrustworthy one etc.

I am thinking of filing for divorce. I am lonely in my marriage. I feel unloved and disrespected. I cant handle another few years of rebuilding trust before any of my issues are allowed to be aired.

I have lost all credibility through my friggin addictive nature, but I am not only an addict. 

I have stopped gambling, and have again learnt the powerful nature of my addicition.

I dont think I can make any requests for change, when I have betrayed trust. No doubt, if/when the marriage ends, I will be the bad guy to my children.


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## staarz21

Let me just say that my H does the same. His addiction is different, but the behavior is the same. He will feel stressed, depressed, anger...whatever and BOOM he's right back at it. That's what you did with this relapse. 

You said:



> I am thinking of filing for divorce. I am lonely in my marriage. I feel unloved and disrespected. I cant handle another few years of rebuilding trust before any of my issues are allowed to be aired.


Can I just throw in there, as a spouse of someone who has an addiction, that for a long, long time we have felt lonely, unloved, and disrespected. We've felt like we can't handle a few more years of rebuilding trust with our partners.

I'm just saying, it goes both ways. You said she stood by you through the addiction, but you can't stand by her because currently you aren't having sex? 

It would seem that you don't want to work on the issues that are causing the lack of sex. It shows. As soon as she finds out about the $2,000.00 - that sex is going to decline even more. 

All that does is put more stress on her. Yes, she is buying for the children - not herself. You want to shield them of this in any way you can. That includes continuing normal activities. 

Can I ask how much of the current financial strain is attributed to your past gambling phase? 

I know this sounds like I am fighting you. I'm not. I feel bad for you. I feel bad that you're in this situation, I feel bad that you felt like you had to go back to the casino. 

Is talking to her difficult? Not just about sex, I am talking about your addictions...is she easy to talk to? 

Sex isn't going to come back just like that. Just like her having someone who wasn't addicted to something. It's tough. Ultimately, it's your call. Communication is the first step - you have to tell her about the 2k, let her be mad.

A few days later, start talking about how you guys need to communicate better. That this is a MUST. 

A few days/weeks later continue with the communication but bring up sex this time. Tell her that you do want this to work and you are giving everything you have, but sex helps you feel wanted...when you feel wanted, you're less likely to fall back on other things that temporarily make you feel better (gambling). Don't tell her in a manipulative way, but be real. Let her know it's very important. Important enough to make you consider divorce. 

She deserves to know that is a possibility. Let her make a decision from there. 

It's going to start small. And it will start all over again every time there is a relapse.

I wanted to add that Yes, you can make requests - you are still a person in this marriage. You can make requests so long as they aren't unreasonable. Just because you've screwed up doesn't mean that you aren't trying. You are still a person trying to make it work. She needs to understand this. 

My H felt the same way. He didn't want to tell me things he wanted from me because he felt like he betrayed me too much. After years...and years...we are finally communicating and now he is not afraid to tell me his wants. I accept them so long as they are reasonable.


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## oddball

Thanks for the empathetic response Staarz. Our current financial challenges have very little to do with my gambling in the past. It is attributed to the rampant increase in cost of living where we are, and living beyond our means. We have a house we bought six years ago that had a facility for a preschool my wife was going to start. She never started the school and my children now have a very fancy playroom! Its more than I feel we can afford.

The lack of sex ties in to the lack of communication and the loneliness. My wife does not talk. Well not to me at least. I am the communicator in our marriage, and also the driver of the relationship much of the time. I will flag concerns or request time to talk about things. I am the one who insisted we go to marriage counseling. I am the one who asks for time together etc. I think she is just not that into me. She certainly doesn't make me feel it. At our last therapy session I did say I am ready to call it quits. The therapist said to her, "can you see he needs you to make him feel like he is important to you." All she has said is "so you packing your bags then?" I responded maybe. Thats it. The rest has been conversations about family logistics.

I most certainly cannot talk to her about my addictions. I wish I could. When i went into recovery, she made it clear it was my problem, and I must deal with it. She accommodated me in terms of the family and me getting to meetings etc, but she never asked about them, never went with me to an open meeting, never asked about my step work etc. Fair enough...my disease my problem.

So telling her now after this massive relapse seems very daunting. I know I will have to. But she will be unsupportive and will go balistic. She will use it against me with the children - and probably tell our friends and family. While I had a lot of amends to make in the past, and my family and friends were aware what is going on, I am going to feel pretty humiliated after all these years of better living.

I am so frustrated and disappointed.I really wanted to try and make my marriage better. I want to be happy. Now I have lost all credibility in the marriage, and if or when it ends, it will be because im an addict - and that is not the real issue. I have done so well for 8 years not gambling, and six years off the coke.

And now i pissed it away:scratchhead:


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## staarz21

That seems terrible. I married my H because I loved him. I didn't know about his addiction until after we married, but because I loved him - I've put up with a lot from him. I have also tried my BEST to help him, talk to him, read with him, whatever I can do to help him. 

Yes, it is HIS problem. But it affects me and our boys. So, if I don't try to make it better and work with him - we really wouldn't have a marriage. 

I was really close to divorce this year. He had no clue I guess regardless of the many time I've told him. He hit one last nerve with me and I exploded. Since then, he's done so well with trying. I think he realizes now I can't deal anymore. 

That's the point I'm making here for you. If you can't deal anymore and it's only hindering your progress - then get out. She doesn't sound very supporting at all and is in fact encouraging the divorce anyway by what she said at counseling.

As far as your kids go - they may dislike you for now. I didn't like my dad. My mother told me about his addictions and how he was a terrible person. But when I got older, I could see my mom's BS. My dad cleaned his life up and now my mother is rotting away in her alcohol addiction. Point is, when kids get old enough to understand, they can usually see the bull crap for what it really is. 

It's going to be hard. So, what you have to ask yourself is : Is it worth it sticking it out with your W for your kids? Or let it suck with your kids for a while and hope they come around? 

Obviously a really hard choice. If you choose to leave...make [email protected] sure you make those kids a priority. Make sure you call them. Make sure you see them...no matter how much crap your W puts you through to see them...you do it. It's worth it. You do everything you can to make them happy.


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## oddball

Well, it is easy to talk divorce and it remains a possibility. Should we split my wife will move to another part of the country to be near her family, and my children will go with. I am a pretty involved father, I have relationships that a not perfect, but relationships with all three my girls. So I would never turn my back on them. And indeed - with time their views of me will no longer be filtered by their mother.

I am not making any decisions, and have not disclosed the relapse. Im doing a 180 - while I sit on my emotions for a while, and try and get perspective. 

Perhaps by some miracle my wife will realise that if she doesnt talk to me - i may be gone. Not sure how much that will bother her at this stage.

In many aspects of my life, I am successful. I work a rich and rewarding job. Our business seems to be getting better, due to my efforts. I have good friends and support. 

Im just slowing everything down, and trying to come to terms with my relapse, and trying to understand why it happened. I hate addiction. Im a bright intelligent guy - with an addiction problem that makes me insane sometimes.

Im allowing myself to delve into the feelings of regret, remorse etc. I need to own those feelings - as they are terrible and dark - and are to serve as a reminder of why I dont want to ever go back into my addictions again.

Thanks for responding with kindness Staarz


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