# Male "dominance" affecting your family?



## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

The word “dominance” will send a shiver up the spine of most women, and so it should. No one wants to be dominated in any part of their life. When the term is applied to marriage, it becomes even scarier.

Before I go any further, I would like to explain my view of what dominance is, and why it happens in the context of marriage.

To dominate something is to keep it under tight control. This implies that the person doing the controlling has the means to maintain control in some way. In traditional male – female relationships males have been dominate due to their superior physical strength. However, strength in itself is not a bad thing.

In fact, strength is one of the characteristics that most women look for in a potential husband and a father for their children. Strength is something that a woman can be attracted to when it comes to sexual polarity. So how is it that the very thing that women are often looking for in a man can come to be the same thing that causes them pain later? The answer is in how strength is used.

Strength is a resource that is available to be used. It is a tool, and like any other tool, it can be used in ways that are loving and ways that are harmful. Women are attracted to strength because they envision their man using his strength to protect them and provide for them. However, strength can also be used against them. When a man uses his strength in ways that are not loving, compassionate, understanding, caring, honoring, and guiding, then it becomes a serious source of fear and resentment for all involved.

The situation I am about to describe is neither the husbands nor wife’s fault. It is rare that this happens on a conscious level, it happens gradually, over a long period of time, and it evolves through a simple lack of understanding between a man and a woman and the dynamics of how a relationship must work to sustain mutual happiness.

Imagine that a man, his wife, and a young girl are in the shoe department of a store. The young girl is crying because she does not like the shoes that her parents are asking her to try on. Both parents are somewhat embarrassed about the behavior of their child. The mother speaks to the young girl and attempts a normal motherly soft approach. When this does not work, the mother becomes frustrated and upset that she was unable to get the result she wished for. She call’s on her husband, she gives the husband the look, and expresses that he should take care of the situation. She is hoping that an approach with more strength behind it will get a better result. 

The husband begins with the same soft approach and tries to use logic to calm the young girl. This does not work any better for him then it did for the mother. Feeling that his status as head of the family is being challenged, he begins to escalate his dominant behavior. As you can guess, this only upsets the young girl even more. The more upset she becomes, the more he escalates, until he finally takes it to the limit. He informs her that if she does not calm down and try these shoes on, that he will not only refuse to buy her new shoes, but take away her old shoes and leave her with none.

This type of approach appears to be rational. If you make a big enough threat then you expect that the child will clue in that there may be big consequences if she does not comply. You expect that this will bring a quick end to her tantrum. Children are not always rational.

On our example, the young lady goes over the edge and becomes even more upset. The mother senses that situation has gone from bad to worse and comes back into the mix. She is very upset with the husband and chastises him for his threatening behavior. She called on him to perform this very role, but she feels he has gone too far with it.

The final result is that all three participants are feeling angry, frustrated, and resentful towards each other. The wife is angry because she feels her husband lost control of his temper. The husband is angry because he was doing what his wife asked him to do, and now she is complaining about his methods.

Now imagine that this same scenario plays out over and over again for years, in hundreds of similar situations. Time and again the man does what he thinks he has to do in order to instill discipline and move the family toward certain outcomes. Time and again his wife criticizes his means and methods and chastises him for being too harsh when things do not work out as expected. It is not hard to see how resentment can build to a point where the husband, wife, family, and marriage connection is harmed. In many marriages, this builds to a point that arguing, criticizing, rejection, withholding and feelings of lost love and unhappiness erode the marriage.

How should the husband and wife address this kind of negative pattern?

For the husband:

As I mentioned above, male strength is a good thing when it is used in loving ways to protect and provide for the family. However, it must be kept under control. When male strength used to intimate the family through threats or violence, then deep and lasting harm can be done to everyone involved.

The first step to resolve such patterns is to make a conscious effort to realize when you are becoming too frustrated and agitated. You must appreciate the affect that this has on your family, and simply stop yourself from going there. Step away from the situation for a moment and collect your thoughts, calm down, and think about the best way to handle the situation from a loving, compassionate, understanding perspective. To be firm, strong, and masculine is fine. But ALWAYS come from a place of loving, honoring, and cherishing your loved ones. In doing so, you will build respect, appreciation, and honor, and you will be looked up to as a kind and loving leader. That is the man you want your wife and children to view you as.

To illustrate this point, consider the following. Women love to read stories about damsels who are rescued by strong heroes. The heroes in those kinds of stories ALWAYS have their strength under control. They never use it in ways that are threatening to their loved ones. They always use their strength to improve the lives of the people around them. That kind of strength is very attractive to a woman, and that is why women love stories of that type.

For the wife:

I understand that there will be many times when a woman will need to call on her husband’s masculine strength. It is a needed balance for raising a family.

But, if you realize that your husband has a tendency to become frustrated and lose control of his anger, then you can help him to maintain his composure. Don’t just send him in to handle such a situation and walk away. Stay involved, when you see that is going down the wrong path, step in and defuse the situation. Don’t wait until it’s too late. Don’t just give him the look of disapproval. Don’t just chastise him for failing to get the outcome you wanted. Certainly do not chastise him for the very actions that you initiated, and especially not in a public setting. Clearly this only builds additional friction, conflict, and resentment.

Step in and kindly let your husband know that he is crossing the line. Ask him to take a break for a minute.( In the case of the shoe store, maybe it would be best for all if you were to simply determine to leave the store and come back once every one has calmed down.) Express to your husband that WE are doing ourselves, our marriage, and our children a disservice by allowing things to go in a negative direction and that TOGETHER we can find a better solution to the issue.

Just as women have always valued men for their strength, men have always valued women for their soft nurturing ability. When you come from a place of loving, honoring, respecting, and cherishing your husband, then your soft nurturing balances out his strength. It will take some time and practice, you can expect some resistance, and some setbacks, but if you remain consistent, persistent, and kind, over time you will model the correct behavior to your husband, yourself, and your family.

As a last note, I am not going to tell you how to raise your children. But consider what behaviors you wish to instill in your children. If negative behaviors are what are modeled to your children, then they will be passed down to their marriages. The daughter in this situation will be conditioned to fear and resent male strength. She will be conditioned to express the same behaviors as the mother in how she treats and responds to her husband and his male behaviors.

When modeling the proper way to be kind, loving, and honoring ourselves and our loved ones, she will handle her marriage and family in the same way.

p.s.

There are certainly marriages where these roles can be reversed. I use this scenario, as it is the most common. The ways in which to change this behavior are the same in either situation.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

IMO you're are thinking way too much on a simple problem your example. My girls are 13 and 11 and have not thrown a tantrum in public since they were old enough to speak. Behavior should have been established long ago and IMO if you are having children acting up then you haven't properly enforced your rules/boundaries with them effectively. Meaning that you probably gave into their tantrums one too many times. My wife and I mad an effort to not respond to a tantrum early on. That helped us avoid the situations you mentioned. We're now making an effort to not respond to the know it all attitude that wants to take hold of my teenager. Which is a little harder. 


There was a speaker I heard a few weeks ago. He mentioned that before he got into a discussion with his kids he would ask them if they knew that he loved them. He said if they came back right away with yes that he could move forward comfortably to address the issue. If they hesitated or didn't respond he knew he had a bigger issue.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

RDJ said:


> Feeling that his status as head of the family is being challenged, he begins to escalate his dominant behavior. As you can guess, this only upsets the young girl even more. The more upset she becomes, the more he escalates, until he finally takes it to the limit.


Whatever we may think about dominance, the situation here demonstrates dysfunctional over-controlling behavior. A man who feels challenged as head of family by his daughter and escalates controlling behavior as a result of that feeling is acting on weakness and ultimately undermining himself and his authority so as to dominate nothing.

Whether this behavior derives from having it modeled during childhood or from an organic genetic source, it can never be deemed rational because it will never work to achieve a valuable goal.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Bravissimo



RDJ said:


> The word “dominance” will send a shiver up the spine of most women, and so it should. No one wants to be dominated in any part of their life. When the term is applied to marriage, it becomes even scarier.
> 
> Before I go any further, I would like to explain my view of what dominance is, and why it happens in the context of marriage.
> 
> ...


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

I wish I would have pulled this example out of thin air.

I did not, I witnessed this at the mall just last weekend (again). It made me think back over the years and how, at one time, my wife and I played out this exact thing. 

It's pretty destuctive behavior for all involved and I'm guessing it's more common that any of us would like to admit. Worse yet, many of us don't even realise that we do it, or it's long term affects on the marriage and the family.

Just thought I would throw it out there, my guess is that someone will recognise this behavior and hopefully learn to change it?


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

RDJ said:


> I wish I would have pulled this example out of thin air.
> 
> I did not, I witnessed this at the mall just last weekend (again). It made me think back over the years and how, at one time, my wife and I played out this exact thing.
> 
> ...


No problem, I see this kind or interaction myself, way more than I would like. My humble opinion is that it derives from dysfunctional or missing male role models during childhood. With 42% of children today being raised without a father, we may be seeing more of this rather than less. If your post can help these men, I am completely on board.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

The way you say dominance.. well, it's mixed feelings.

My hubby has never been physically agressive... there are some fights that he has been emotionally maniuplative, but not ever to the point of "crossing" the line.

But in the same sense, It bothers me when he gets too "needy". I do NOT want to be the one wearing the pants in the family.


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