# Blended Family Issues



## JLSmom81 (Jun 23, 2010)

First, thank you in advance for all thoughts and opinions.

My husband and I have been together for four years. Both of us have one child from a previous marriage and they are three months apart. (one boy and one girl). The boy's mother is very involved in his life, the girl's father is not. My husband, and his ex-wife, coddle and hand-hold this ten year old boy. He is hardly ever punished and nobody ever raises their voice to him. My daughter is constantly in trouble (rightfully so) and I raise my voice to her often. The boy feels he is an authority figure to her. He talks down to her and corrects her.

My husband and I have had numerous talks and arguments about our differences in parenting. Recently, he told me that I needed to be a friend to his son. This is the mentality that he and his ex-wife both have with this boy, that they need to be his friend.

Also recently, his son stated that he was "afraid" of me. In my husband's opinion because I raise my voice. (I do not hit or spank either child) The boy is now wanting to spend more time at his mother's house and this is upsetting to my husband.

This past weekend was our weekend with the boy (Father's Day). There was a mild altercation in the house, not involving him. The boy wanted to leave and asked to go to his mother's house. My husband took him. The boy stayed at his mother's for Father's Day and spent no time with his father at all.

I have planned a 4th of July getaway for the weekend. My husband wants to take the kids and I say we need time alone.

The arguments between my husband and I are becoming more frequent and more involved. I am afraid that this may be the beginning of the end if we cannot find a common ground with these kids and our parenting. 

Any help is appreciated.

Thank you.


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

Differences in parenting can be a HUGE problem. 

In my opinion, kids can find friends anywhere. They need parents. They need people to guide them. The need structure, and guidance to help them learn the morals and values to take them through life. Coddling and spoiling children is an easy out, and really hurts the kids in the long run.

You and your husband should sit down and make some guide rules for your home, that apply to both kids. You both may be step-parents, but that is still parents. You have to be a team. Neither child should be favored by either of you. The rules in your home do not have to be the same as the other parent's home.

Kids can be very manipulative. I'd bet that the son isn't afraid of you, he just knows he can't get away with stuff with you like he can his dad and mother. 

My advice is to keep the arguing away from the kid's ears. Hubby and you set some ground rules and come to a compromise in rule you can both live with. Maybe less coddling and less voice raising, and more prividge revoking....and it applies to both children. Your husband may not think so, but his son will still love him even if he's punished or not allowed to run roughshod over him. The way things are right now is now fair to either child.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Your complaint is very common in step families - that the spouses dislike each other's parenting styles. What you describe is also very common - that the step children are coddled and spoiled. I'd like to share some advise concerning both sides, if I may. Some of it you might not like, and hopefully some of it you will find helpful.

Guilt parenting is extremely common, where one or both birth parents spoils, coddles, and is ridiculously lenient with the products of their broken home. And there is where the problem lies - in knowing or feeling they failed the children by divorcing. Ordinarily, the complaints from second wives is that the father practices guild parenting, which as is your case, makes it difficult to fairly raise and discipline their own children - those they brought into the second marriage and those born into the second marriage. I think the best advice in this instance is to suggest you learn to pick your battles because it is unfair for your husband to change over to your way of parenting, and likewise unfair for you to have to practice his way of parenting. I just think he is as much entitled as you are.

By the same token, I'm hoping you will rethink your methods. I understand lots of people yell at their children, but his son is not accustomed to there always being yelling and disruptions in his life. Personally, I live a very peaceful existence. I don't like for there to be people around very often because with them comes fussing, disruptions, confusion, stress, and almost anything unexpected that interrupts my peaceful existence. So, I don't really think it terrible or spoiled or coddled for the boy to want out of that kind of environment. Some people live with and even like turmoil. I hate it and would have asked to go home (or elsewhere) too. He shouldn't have to be judged because he dislikes it. It's not fair that you expect his father to tell him "Too bad. You have to stay here."

What I'm trying to say is common ground would be nice, but it isn't necessary. What you have to practice is respect. I know much, much more goes on that you were not able to tell us about. I know how stressed and nearly ready to give up you might be. I'm suggesting that to work toward a solution is to start with changing your way of thinking about some of the things. For example, you say you want common ground, but think about how many of the arguments are virtually the same. In other words, common ground is not about insisting he see your side of things or do things your way. It's about letting go of your own way first and show him that you are willing to bend and you expect him to bend also. But if you are both unwilling to bend, then at least show some respect for each other's styles by not complaining and arguing each time you dislike something.

I know step parenting is extremely difficult. In fact, the divorce rate for second marriages is higher than that of first marriages, and your complaint is a major cause. Many families do counseling, and I suggest that for your family. You need a therapist who is familiar with step family dynamics to help you overcome your frustration right now and to help you over the hurdles that are yet to come. And believe me, there are plenty more to come.

Something else that will be helpful is to join some step parent forums or support groups. The forums I am familiar with have become breeding grounds for mean and viciousness toward step children and their birth mothers. Perhaps you will want to join in the complaint and name calling fest and perhaps not. But at least you'd be able to ask for help and receive lots of response from other stepmothers with the same experiences.


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## Sixgunner (Mar 5, 2008)

scarletblue said:


> Differences in parenting can be a HUGE problem.
> Coddling and spoiling children is an easy out, and really hurts the kids in the long run.


I don't think so. I did 24 years in the military, AF. I was always gone so I spoiled both our kids and my wife was the warden. My wife and I have been married for over 21 years. We have daughter 19 and son 15. 

Daughter is in college doing very well. Son is in high school and doing great. My daughter has always worked and enjoys making her own money. My boy does part time gigs on yards to earn summer spending cash. My son just told me about 2 weeks ago he wants to join the Air Force so they can pay for his college. 

I work for a defense contractor here in Iraq and I still give them both money all the time.
A lot of people say what great kids we have for being raised by really one parent, my wonderful wife. We even have a very spoiled pit bull. 

Just depends on how it's done.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I think honest communication and possibly compromise are going to be key here. In reading your words, I feel you are trying to say that this boy is being coddled because he doesn't want to be around you when you're upset, and that you disregard your husband's opinion that the boy is afraid of you because you raise your voice. I have to be honest, and preface this honesty by saying I was in an abusive relationship before so I may just be overly sensitive myself, but I don't particularly feel comfortable around people who are raising their voices. I tend to try to leave or shrink and hide in a corner or whatever. I think the boy was right to try to get out of your home if that's what was going on.

I can't say anything about your parenting, as it is your child to raise as you see fit and I don't know enough about what you do to say much anyway. But...you mention your daughter is frequently in trouble and you raise your voice to her often. Given everything else going on, could you consider the possibility that the yelling isn't effective and that it might be time to seek out another method of discipline? I'm not saying you should necessarily parent the way your husband does, but perhaps you are yelling at your daughter more and more often, and this in turn is causing the boy to feel uncomfortable, and if your daughter is not responding to your discipline method, the whole thing turns into a vicious cycle that never ends. 

I think the biggest thing to do is sit down with your husband and see what you two can work out in terms of trying to find a middle ground where the kids are being more fairly disciplined and no one feels like they are the only bad guy or like the other parent isn't doing their part.


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