# Confessed to drugs, how to deal with the rest?



## Miss Metta

Hi all
I recently posted a thread about my fiance's sudden increased intake of alcohol in the absence of pot and my concerns about it, but new information has come to light which I feel requires a new thread. Here's what happened. After he recently tried to deceive me about smoking MJ, I tried a different tactic.

I painted the picture to him of walking down the aisle, and that a girl thinks she has an idea of who she is marrying (we are supposed to marry end of Feb). I put it to him that if there was anything in his life that I didn't know about, that I wouldn't be angry, but it was better to have it out in the open.

He admitted to using speed. He said that he had been keeping the CC statements from me because he had been making cash withdrawals from his CC rather than the regular bank account, because he knew I would see it on the regular account, because I have access to this. I knew that he used to use it as a party drug, and I told him when we got together that it was a deal-breaker. He swore off the stuff, at the same time as quitting smoking (struggling with that, but is trying). 

It turns out that for the last 10 months (so he says), he has been getting speed from a guy at work. He used to use with his best friend, but his best friend has moved to, I think, crystalmeth, and my fiance says he won't use that, he wants the 'old' style speed - whatever that means. He says that a guy at work happened to mention that he had access to the 'old' stuff, and that's when my fiance succumbed. It was easy for him to do this and me not notice anything - we are apart during the week while he works. 

When he first confessed it to me, he said he was using it every few weeks. I asked him straight out, once a week, once a month? He said "once a month."

Believe it or not I was actually relieved to hear all this, because I knew he had been hiding his CC statements from me, yet because it was_ his _CC that he he got before he met me, in some ways I felt like it was none of his business.

But then one day a few months back something in the cash flow wasn't working, he happened to have just opened his CC statement and I took it out of his hand to cross-check, and he tried to grab it back from me. That's when I knew something was really up. 

So one day I went to where he files the CCs and pulled them all out, and I found all these largish cash advances listed, always for the same amounts and almost always at the same ATMs. Some of them I knew what they were for and could account for them, but the rest, I knew something was up, but I also doubted myself. I never brought it up with him, though I kept intending to. So now he admitted it outright, I felt relief that something that had been bothering me had been 'explained.'

I was shocked to find out that he wasn't doing it recreationally but was using at work; he is in an industry where D&A are a real problem. He is also a supervisor and is responsible for the safety of men, and I always thought he took this seriously. He loves his job and is very trusted and well thought of by his employers, so when he said he had been using before he went to work for the day and not at the end of the day like I imagined, I was really shocked. 

I wrote him a long email on the ramifications of what could happen if he got caught. He said to me he was relieved to have it out in the open and from now on I had permission to open all statements and mail addressed to him because he wanted transparency (I am aware that if he wants to, he could go and get another CC on the sly). He says he does not feel judged by be. I asked him was it becoming a problem and he said, "possibly" (he likes to think that unlike his friends, he is immune from addiction and can 'control' drugs; and in some ways I have seen this to be true). I asked him did he want to continue to take it, and he said "no", he wanted to look after his health.

I believe that he is being honest with me, at least to some degree, partly because of my approach, which he later complimented me on, saying I had a real skill in helping people open up in the face of unplesantness, he kept thanking me, and that he was relieved - he's said this many times since the conversation is opened up.

Anyway I now feel quite free to look at the statements and it seems that there were more cash withdrawals than "once a month".

So I did a little more digging. Because I have access to his bank account online, I decided to look at bank statements transactions going back _prior_, as far back as 7 years, when he didn't have anything to hide from me because I wasn't in the picture. What I find is for the last 7 years, similar amounts withdrawn, almost always 2-3 days apart, and at the same ATMs, mostly near his best friend's. (Who does MJ and speed). I know that until October 2014, and prior to meeting me, he did a lot of MJ, but I don't know the price of drugs, so it's hard to know how much it's going on. Also some of those cash withdrawals will have been daily living money and to pay bills - he doesn't like to do things online and prefers to pay bills by cash, so some of those withdrawals will be explained by that.

Anyway,
Last night I asked him that apart from speed and MJ, were there any other drugs or behaviours, such as gambling or porn or escorts? He said, "No, two drugs are enough!" and I could kind of hear a sense of 'overwhelm' and fatigue in his voice when he said that. This doesn't mean to say he is telling the truth, though. So I got back onto the topic of speed, and I said, gently, so how long has this been going on...years? (remember I accessed the statements). He said no, and then named the last 10 months when that guy from work came up with the 'preferred' stuff. I asked him did he think he would benefit from an addiction program but he said he didn't know - my timing was off for that question, too, as he was very tired, and I think the whole concept of being 'addicted' is a bit new to him and might only be starting to sink in.

So my question is this: do I bring up the fact that I accessed the other bank statements prior to his getting with me and that I see the same pattern of cash withdrawals as was on his CC? On the one hand, I have permission and access to his account online, on the other, he doesn't do any online banking so I doubt he would know that all his previous statements are available for me to look at freely. On the one hand I feel that those statements were "pre" me and not my business; on the other hand, there's been lying and deception and I think I read on the board here once someone say that once lying and deception come into it, you lose your right to privacy. I suppose I feel that way about it. I think what I want is to know the degree of drug issues, here.

Now, before you all go and tell me that this is a bad situation that will end in no good and to pack up and leave this guy, it's a bit more complicated than that. I am financially dependant on him at the moment. Despite the drugs, he has been able to support us (but slowly racking up the CC) as he is on a good wage and he gives me extra money when he can and the bills are paid (no kids, TG). I am living in a rural town and although I am looking, I am having trouble finding work. I also have a medical condition that is complicating my ability to work full time and support myself. I do not have family or friends I can go to, so before anyone says, "leave this jerk", I don't have the way or the means at this time.

What I am asking is, he confessed up front without me asking specifically whether he was taking drugs, but to a general question. He could have continued to hide it, esp. as I had no evidence at all, but I cast it in the light of being real and authentic and to risk being that with me. He seems relieved and grateful, though I am aware this doesn't necessarily mean anything long term. Once he read the email about what he stands to lose, he said I was right, and he didn't realise the penalties were so great (esp. getting caught whilst driving) and that he would stop taking it, and that he wanted to stop anyway for his health. He is 52. He has not ever exhibited to me as far as I can tell the signs of a speed addict, such as weight loss, staying awake etc. though I may be 'missing out' from the 'crash' because he is away from home at the time. He says that he has not taken it when at home, here away from the city, only MJ and booze at home. I believe him.

I no longer trust the guy because there's been lies and deliberate attempts to deceive,and so that doesn't augur well for the long term, I'm aware of that, but I think I at least want to give the guy one chance to come completely clean and if there is a problem, deal with it. All up, he's mostly very good and sweet to me when he's with me.

So, do I ask him about the statements the preceed me, or do I just deal with the CC withdrawals from the last 10 months?

thanks for any input
Miss Metta


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## Mr.Fisty

I suggest canceling the wedding until he stays clean for a certain period of time. If he cannot handle his job environment, I suggest he finds another job. His job seems to be a trigger for his drug use.

He should quit all drugs, and learn to function without them. Even the alcohol and all. Sure he comes clean now, but what comes next is the more difficult path of staying sober. I also suggest if you marry him, live in a place where you can afford it on your own. With something like that, you never know if he gets terminated. Here is the thing, other people knows he is a user. Sad to say, it gives others power over him. He has to disassociate with every person who is involved in the lifestyle. People tend to go down to the lowest common denominator. Also, you can be guilty by association. If he is using, and for whatever reasons he gets caught, do not be surprise if others take a more critical look at you too. This is your life that you to are gambling. As much as you love him, he can take you down with him.


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## Miss Metta

Thank you so much for that. I hadn't thought of it in terms of his job environment. In fact I was shocked when he revealed he was taking it before work; I was always under the impression that he used it socially/recreationally at parties. He loves his job, he really loves it, and it pays very well, though we are separated a lot. He's been doing it for 15 years and just loves it, but it's a "blokey" industry where it is known that D&A
problems are rife, but he has been doing speed since I first knew him in his 20s. We dated that long ago and it was his drugs and mates that made me drop him. 20 years later he chases me up and says he wants to renew the relationship with me and wants to quit smoking and be 'clean', so I told him no speed, no smoking, and gave in on the MJ since it didn't seem to flatten him completely, but now he has to quit it because of lung condition.

On weekends he gardens and has grown (for me!) an amazing flower, veggie and herb garden, he also does woodwork and makes toys and runs and ramps for my pet rats - again, amazing stuff. He will spend hours doing this stuff, and he is so relaxed and in his element, it seems to be really therapeutic for him, and he's started saying how much he loves his garden and gardening and talks about the garden he wants to build for me in the next place.

He keeps talking about finding a place where he can "just come home to you every night" so we aren't separated all week. This has become a more pressing refrain from him and now from what you are saying, I'm starting to think what might be behind it is not just wanting my company, but as a safety mechanism where he can't use when he's with me. Most of the week, he's on his own, and it definitely triggers cigarette smoking.

Actually, you may have just hit it on the head about his job, or maybe even the environment - last Sunday before he was due to go back to the city (he drives back the night before), he came up to me and said, "I don't want to go back" (to the city), "I know, all that driving" I said. He didn't respond directly to that statement, but said, "No I want to stay with you". It's the first time he's ever said that the day of having to return. For the last two years he's always been perfunctory and business-like about it - and it's been me the one sad to see him go. But not last week - it was him. And maybe he referring to the job, about drugs, about his friends. Maybe it's all getting too much. He keeps telling me how much he loves being at home, and this is coming up more and more and with more and more emotion from him. I wonder whether what he's saying is that home is away from the temptations. 

I think your advice about staying off everything is good, including the wine we drink with dinner. As for finding a place to afford on my own, we are in the rural area - it doesn't get more affordable than this.

I agree with you about disassociation, completely. However, he will not drop his friends, not his best friend, anyway. They have been friends since primary school, now in their 50's. Interestingly when he told me about the speed I said, "You were getting it from Bob?", because "Bob" was always his partner in drugs (still is for MJ), and he said, "No, I get it from someone at work, I don't want Bob to know I'm doing it; I quit smoking and I'm trying to be an example to him because I want him to quit, too." So it sounds like he is ashamed to let his friend know that he has 'lapsed'. I think what I am trying to ascertain is the _extent _of the problem, and how far back it goes. I really doubt he's going to give up the friends of 25 years or more, until they drop dead from their own use/abuse.
thanks again for your good advice,
Metta




Mr.Fisty said:


> I suggest canceling the wedding until he stays clean for a certain period of time. If he cannot handle his job environment, I suggest he finds another job. His job seems to be a trigger for his drug use.
> 
> He should quit all drugs, and learn to function without them. Even the alcohol and all. Sure he comes clean now, but what comes next is the more difficult path of staying sober. I also suggest if you marry him, live in a place where you can afford it on your own. With something like that, you never know if he gets terminated. Here is the thing, other people knows he is a user. Sad to say, it gives others power over him. He has to disassociate with every person who is involved in the lifestyle. People tend to go down to the lowest common denominator. Also, you can be guilty by association. If he is using, and for whatever reasons he gets caught, do not be surprise if others take a more critical look at you too. This is your life that you to are gambling. As much as you love him, he can take you down with him.


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## Openminded

I think it's very likely he never stopped and has been using all along. 

The question is can he stop? And what are your plans if he can't?


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## Miss Metta

That's my concern. That's why I want to bring up with him that I found similar withdrawals going back the last 7 years. The only year I can't really tell is actually the important year, 2013. Because he was spending a bit of cash on me, and so even if he was still doing it when we got together and I'd told him that I didn't approve, there's no way I can tell for that year because of all the 'extra' cash drawn and used to buy stuff for me.

Even if it is the case, I'd rather it all be opened up _now_, before the wedding. I will not be angry with him, I'd just rather know, if you know what I mean. If there's a problem - and I'm starting to suspect that maybe there is - then we need to deal with it, if he's willing (I suspect from something he said the other day and the tone in his voice that he might be coming to the end of his rope with it and might be starting to think about stopping). 

He did say to me that if I ever wanted to go, he would give me the money and help me go, he would not want me to stay with him if I was unhappy, and so that's still an option open to me, but for the longer term I still need to get this damned health issue sorted out so that I can work enough to support myself, and that might take a while yet. 

My plan is this: get to as much of the truth as I possibly can, what the extent of the problem is (I was just doing some research and found that 24% of employees in his industry use and abuse drugs and alcohol, including speed, so it's clearly freely available) just so I know what the situation is. 

From there, I think I can get out of him to admit what/how much of a problem is there. I've already recently alluded a few times to addiction, but I was referring to MJ and then alcohol which he was drinking too much of when not on MJ and he has said, "possibly". 

This itself is a breakthrough b/c this man believes that he is immune and impenetrable and in control and that he controls drugs, they don't control him. So I think the concept is starting to take root. Normally he would just flat out deny it or be angry. 

If I can say one thing about our relationship is that he trusts me implicitly and once told me that he thought I was a model on how to be 'good' ; several weeks later when he didn't like his own behaviour he said, "what would you do? I know what you'd do..you'd do this...because that's the right thing to do..so next time I will do that, respond to the situation like you would". I was gobsmacked to say the least that he used me as his model for better behaviour. 

He keeps saying he wants to be "good" to be a better version of himself, a term we use. He used to brag about how "bad" he was, now he keeps saying how he wants to be "good, like you". I never saw that coming, but it's also a lot to live up to! So I mention this because I believe it's his trust in me and my judgement that if I suggest there's an addiction issue and to help him seek treatment, I think he might give it a go. I do know when he first quit smoking for me he was doing marvellously and when he is home he does not sneak out, he just stays with the cravings.
I feel that I at least need to give him a chance for change, now that it is all coming out in the open. 
thanks, your words triggered my thoughts!
Metta



Openminded said:


> I think it's very likely he never stopped and has been using all along.
> 
> The question is can he stop? And what are your plans if he can't?


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## Openminded

Keeping my fingers crossed for both of you!!


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## karole

He needs to get into some sort of an addiction program. People that have been addicted as long as he has have a very difficult time stopping. If he refuses to attend any sort of rehab program, perhaps he will attend some nar-anon meetings. You should also consider attending some al-anon meetings for yourself. Also, you can order drug tests on-line to administer at home. Perhaps if he will agree to submit to drug tests at your request, that will also give him more incentive to stay clean. 

I agree with the poster above, as long as he continues to associate with the people he bought drugs from and/or did drugs with, he won't stay clean. I'm sorry, that's just the way it is. He will be using again, or won't ever stop.


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## Cooper

Drug users will only admit to what is necessary to avoid the conflict at hand. 

Please look at the facts; he has lied to you from the beginning, he has continued to use drugs and has tried to hide it from you. When confronted he admits to little pieces of the truth, just enough to convince you he's coming clean, but he will never disclose the full truth. Do you really think you know the truth even now? Even if he's not a full blown addict he likes to do the drugs more than he is worried about being honest to you, and he will continue to do what he can get away with. 

Why would you even consider marrying this guy? He is who he is, the issue is you are trying to change him into who you want, sure your version may be a better man but still....that's not who he is. Can he ever be drug free? Sure he can, and he should be for several years before you ever consider a relationship with him. Are you willing to spend the next 10 years working to keep him straight? Do you want a drug user and liar helping you raise kids? Having access to your money? You want to invest your future on that kind of risk? 

Log onto an AlAnon site and read the stories of how addicts destroy families, how dealing with them and their addictions wears the life right out of you. 

I come from a family of addicts and I will tell you the truth, you can never ever believe what they say or promise, they will disappoint you at every turn. I would never consider letting a known addict into my life, you can not fix them, that is up to them. Walk away before you invest your life into the chaos.


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## Observer

If you believe him that he will never use crystal meth, then you do not understand the addict, which he most certainly is. You fiancée is an addict, he needs treatment, period. You are going to have a world of regret marrying him if he is not 100% clean. You have no idea how bad it will get from here and don't say you were not warned when that happens.


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## DoF

Meth and speed are basically the same.......he is in denial.

And you already know that you have lost him due to this drug.....getting off of it is EXTREMELY hard. And very often, damage is so severe, it's hard to regroup from it.

I would run, RUN FAST..

My opinion on drugs is this, there is alcohol and pot and there is others.

The second you let Alcohol or Pot make you a crappy person/or abuse it, it's no good.

As for others, I stay away from ANYONE that plays with any of that stuff. Strict policy I have learned over the years of having MANY drug addict "friends".

There is no saving them, addiction takes it's toll and it usually spills onto the loved ones in time. Besides, you already know you lost him.........it's done with ALREADY, due to addiction, his entire life evolved around that.

NOT YOU

And when it comes to priorities, loved one should always be a priority. If they are not, I don't care if it's drugs.......hobbies....work....whatever, it won't work.

You would have to be a complete fool to marry this guy. I would run....RUN FAST


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## DoF

Observer said:


> If you believe him that he will never use crystal meth, then you do not understand the addict, which he most certainly is. You fiancée is an addict, he needs treatment, period. You are going to have a world of regret marrying him if he is not 100% clean. You have no idea how bad it will get from here and don't say you were not warned when that happens.


Agreed!!!


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## RoseAglow

Hi Miss Metta,

I was once in your shoes to an extent. I was engaged to a wonderful man. He was strong, hot, funny, smart, he was a hard-worker. He was a mentor of sorts to the younger people coming into his field. People loved him. He had a terrific family who had adopted me like I was one of their own. My sun and moon set on him, I just loved him to the ends of the world. 

Then, soon after getting engaged, I came to a terrible realization. He had gotten a legal prescription a few months back for a surgery and I found out that he was getting illegal refills. He was getting pills from the street. 

And soon after than, the pieces started to come together. It became apparent that he had a real problem, a very serious addiction. His pills went to powder and injectables. 

It was very serious. I broke off the engagement once the pieces came together, about a month after I first realized that he was an addict. But I stayed with him for years afterwards as he went in and out of sobriety. He never was able to beat the addiction and finally died a few years ago. 

I would bet a lot of money that your guy is much, much further in than you know at this time. From the picture your posts present, your guy looks and sounds like an addict to me.

Just a few causal observations:

People who don't have a drink or drug problem do not use on the job. No one without a problem would risk their livelihood. This is even more so for a supervisor- only an addict would risk their life and the lives of the people for whom he is responsible by the decision to use while working a dangerous job. My husband just fired someone who was using on their job site (the kid is a meth addict.) He had to, the kid could kill himself or someone else. 

Also, people who don't have a drink or drug problem would never even consider taking out cash advances on a credit card to obtain them. Why would they? Who does that??? 

You know all this, or you wouldn't be writing. 

There is more to your posts which to me suggest that he is a long-historied addict, you just don't know about it yet. When he says things like he wants to be good like you, he is speaking to you in a language that you still have yet to learn. 

He loves you and he loves that you trust him, that you see him as a good and reliable guy. He wants to BE that guy...but that doesn't mean that he IS a good or reliable guy. And he knows this, he just can't tell you. You are something pure and lovely in his eyes, you are outside his personal hell. He would rather be there with you. 

Drug addiction is hell. 

I won't tell you to leave- I know how hard that is. 

But if you were my friend I would:

1. Take you to a Naranon meeting. You can find some online if you don't want to go in person. But do it now. Just listen in. Listen to the stories. It will help the pieces come together. 

I do not mean to be rude but I remember being in your shoes. Looking back, I felt like a seal who had just been clobbered by a hunter. I wasn't seeing things clearly and had nausea and was uncertain. 

This will go away as you learn more. Things will begin to make sense. You really need to get educated on addiction. 

2. I would implore you- do not marry him, at least not yet. Do not tie yourself to him legally unless/until he is sober for a good while- at least a year. 

Right now you probably can't think of him as being dangerous or harmful to you. It is not him personally that you need to worry about (probably)- it is the consequences of HIS actions that can destroy you later on. You can lose your house, your savings, your reputation, your record.

As two small examples, I once found drugs in the backseat of my car. If I had gotten pulled over, I could have been arrested for drug paraphernalia.

The same car was later on destroyed- someone took a crow bar and some other items and completely vandalized it. It was because my guy, unbeknowst to me, was taking my car at night. Who knows what he did, but he ended up in the hospital with a broken jaw and I had to get a new car. 

For you- what happens if you do get married, you start working and get a lovely house and a savings? You, too, are on the hook for his bad financial decisions. You, too, are implicated if he gets busted for drugs. If your justice system is anything like the US's you can lose your house and savings if your husband harms another. 

It is all a major gamble when your loved one is an addict.


3. I would ask you to live with him day in, day out, for a long time before you get married. It is still frightfully easy to get snowed by an active addict when you live with them, but it is even easier when you don't. 

Don't fall for the idea that he is in 50s and therefore wouldn't be in such good shape if he were an addict. He is in worse shape than you know and I personally know two men who tried to sober up in their 50s but lost their battle with drug addiction and died due to it. Their deaths were NOT the worst thing that their families went though.

He might really be ready to quit, who knows. And people who are in true recovery are AWESOME IMO. So I am not saying it is hopeless. I am just saying: protect yourself. Learn all you can and do not get married at this time.

I hope I am wrong, or if I am right, I hope he is ready to quit. 

But either way, you won't go wrong by continuing to ask questions, to read, and to learn.

Best of luck to you!


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