# Wife wanted separation



## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

Hello,

So i'll try to keep myself from rambling on. My wife and I have been together for 8 years, but only married for 1 year and one month before she said we should separated (this was nov 10th 2011) and I heard the "I love you but i'm not IN love with you" line. I've been hearing a lot of "I can't see you as anything more than a friend and not sure that I ever will." too

I know her very well, so I know that when things get complicated she likes to run away at all costs to avoid confrontation. When she asked me to move out, the week I spent moving she booked a flight and went home to her family to avoid being there while I moved out. She also went home for the holidays to be with her family, while I spent all of the holidays sitting alone in a completely empty apartment.

I don't think of myself as obsessive, but I love my wife very much and find myself doing things to "check up" on her, but really I think its more my search for peace and answers. For instance, I know she has an emotional attachment to a guy we both know from online (we're big into online games...and we both know him from there)...He is in the Navy and literally lives on the other side of the country...he is also going through a divorce (his wife left him) ..so I don't believe they will ever have a physical relationship, but there is definitely an emotional connection between them over what's happening in both their lives. Because of my need for answers that are going unanswered, I couldn't help but dig (knowing I'd not like what I might find, but I did it anyway)

I pay our cellphone bill. I saw that she calls him literally like an hour every day. I also see that they text back and forth between like 6am (when she gets up for work) all through the day, until she goes to bed at night...every day. How could this NOT be a red flag and bother me? even if it's not physical, it's certainly emotional, and she doesn't ever call to talk to me (unless its a negative conversation about what's going on in our lives)

I was never perfect, I was often short spoken and she felt I was always irritated by her (I wasn't, but that was her impression) I always loved my wife, and always tried to make sure she knew it, but I guess it wasn't enough.

Anyhow, I've always given her every reason to trust me, always tried to be honest, but she feels like her privacy is invaded and that i'm not trust worthy. So, in a letter that I left her at the door to our house...I wrote some things, explaining myself, my concerns, and hoped in some way she'd not only understand but gain some perspective and peace of mind.

I also gave her the log-in and password, so she could change the phone bill info so I can't log in to check her usage. I also gave her the keys to the house that I had. This was to show her that I am worthy of her trust, and I am not watching her every move. It was as much for her as it was for me I suppose.

Anyhow, she changed all the locks anyway, last time I was over to get my mail from her, I saw they were all different...she gave some excuse about living alone and being uncomfortable in the house alone, and we had some locks that were not the best (like to the garage) and when she paid the guy to come out, he said they HAD to change all the locks that way they'd use the same key...not sure if I buy that though.

Trust is becoming tainted...I've always trusted her, she's never given me a reason not to...however saying you'll stand by someone "for better or for worse" and the moment she feels it's more "for worse" than anything, she starts to back out emotionally. Closes off, and now is angry and resentful...I can't help but lose some trust because she's becoming a different person, or rather showing a side i've never seen in 8 years.

I guess my big issue here, is that she often talks about just filing for the sake of it being less painful. She hates that i'm hurting, and she knows i'm struggling with it because I want to work things out, but she doesn't think she will ever love me again. Because of that, she feels like she is prolonging my suffering, and wants to just file just to get it over with. So she doesn't know what she wants it sounds like...we've been separated since nov 10th 2011...so its been like 2 months, she says she's confused and doesn't know what she wants anymore....I told her not to worry about me, and not to file on the basis that i'm hurting...I want her to REALLY take time and think things through, instead of just jumping the gun and robbing herself, and me, of a potential future.

Sorry for the rant  but I don't exactly have anyone in real life to tell my story to  which makes this empty apartment i'm trapped in seem that much more empty to me


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## asylumspadez (Jan 17, 2012)

When your wife is calling another man over an hour a day and texting him constantly through out the day then you know something is wrong there (at least I would think so). I think your wife may have developed feelings for the guy and that is what is causing this.

I think you need to confront her and tell her how you feel and ask her why she is being this way after all this time together.


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

Yea I know. The problem I come across is i'm not getting really direct answers. when I ask why she does or doesn't feel a certain way the answers are just like "I just don't/do, I just can't. It's just not the same. I'm confused. I see things clearly (but wont say what that clarity is)"

I also have confronted her. She asked me if I really thought something was going on, and I told her flat out, Yes I do. She talks to him more than any other person in the world as of lately. 

Naturally she got defensive (which is a deflection tactic) talking about how i'm spying on her etc. I told her not to deflect, and she got mad that I would even consider that she was having an affair. She says she confides in him because he is struggling with separation/divorce too...and that it would never be physical or sexual. She cried when she was talking about it, talking about how she's too damaged, and feels like she has nothing left to give anyone. That her heart is closed off and hardened and she couldn't even think about being with anyone.

Of course, knowing her how I do, I want to believe that, but I also know she obviously has SOME feelings for this guy, and her situation likely makes her feel even more drawn to him (two lonely people, both confiding in one another...one thing leads to another, you get the drift)

I'm currently at the point where I'm trying to avoid her, and be dodgy, because she doesn't miss me at all, and that's what I think she does need. She didn't hear from me for a week, and she sent a few texts asking where I was, and hoping that I was doing ok...which i guess is good, but I don't want to read too much into that.

I guess what makes this so difficult for me, is that I'm trying to avoid her, and she's the only real friend I have(had)....so when I have a bad day, or I get caught up thinking about this big mess i'm in...I can't just turn to her, or call her up and talk...and I've unfortunately only got so many things to keep me busy during the day, until I come back to my empty apartment, and get stuck with thoughts running through my head=/


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Expose her Emotional Affair, bring it to light, it's the elephant in the room. You both have to come to terms with thus to move forward.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

EA can completely ruin a marriage. Also, the fact that the other guy is struggling with seperation/divorce is a very bad thing. One thing I have heard over and over in this year of learning about faultering relationships is that when one person is close with another who is in a failing marriage, it can distort the thinking of the other and cause them to do the same thing. My STBX's sister was dumping another guy right when the D word came out of no where.


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## asylumspadez (Jan 17, 2012)

I think the texts show that she does care about you in some way, which is a good thing. However I dont think that you should completely shut her out. It would be nice to just talk to her, Not about getting back together or anything. Just talk to her, about her day, your day, so on so forth. Its a way of letting her know that she isnt alone.

I would wait a few weeks or so before you talk about the emotional affair she had with the other man. Dont go too deep into it but let her know that he isnt the only one there for her and that you love her. You cant force it all on her at once though, You gotta give it time.


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

Thanks Asylum...I did talk to her on friday night about some things...thats when she said "maybe i should just file because i see this hurts you"

saturday morning she called me, said she was going to file...we talked more...changed her mind again....mainly because I told her she is forcing herself, because everytime she calls, we talk about NEGATIVE things, future past and present...and I told her that I do want to work things out, but lets take it a day at a time.

I specifically mentioned that it would be nice instead of dreading calls like we've been having, if we could just talk like normal people...text me when she has a bad (or awesome) day at work...if our pets do something hilarious...if she wants help with something, or just to talk like she would with anyone else she knows.

I *think* she is being pretty receptive to that, but we've only talked twice and had a few texts exchanged back and forth that were positive but brief.

I can tell she is hesitant to really chat normally, and I can understand that. She's battling with pain and it hurts to push through those feelings to just chat like nothings going on. I get that...I think she just needs some time...in the mean time , she knows i'm always receptive to her calls...but I wont go sending her texts and calls (and if I do, it's likely to be like once a week if that...playing it by ear atm)

As far as the emotional affair...I completely agree...everything in due time. it's not good that he's in the same boat, that gives them a "bond" to share...but hopefully she vents enough to him about us, that it cools her down a bit at the same time.

everything in time...


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

UPDATE*

So my wife called me up today...i've been leaving her alone and honestly didn't expect her to call me out of the blue.

So I took a deep breath, put on a happy-smiley attitude (even though I don't feel that at all) and answered the phone.

We talked a little about random things going on at the house that were bugging her and we just short of...chatted

She eventually talked a little, opened up, and talked about the guy she has an emotional connection to, says she likes him, but nothing could literally ever happen because he lives on a military base, and is going through a separation of his own...but admitted she still had an emotion connection, just not a physical one...that sort of made me feel better, at least that she opened up about it.

She also talked about how one day she will likely date again, maybe while we're separated, but she doesn't know, and currently has no prospects or interest in anyone...but she wanted to make sure i understood that it could happen eventually.

Overall, the conversation was very CIVIL...I was kind, not need, clingy, or anything...I was just polite as if I was talking to a friend or family member on the phone.

We did talk briefly about working out whats going on...I told her that I didn't like the idea of her dating, and in time hope she will open up with me more and feel comfortable and confident talking to me about whats on her mind, but that I understood how difficult it is, and didn't press the subject.

I did tell her to not worry about the marriage right now...as it seems to be a sore spot for conversation, and that right now we should just "set it aside" and work on things and talk like normal people...not talk about what happened in the past, or what we're doing to fix it....instead just ask like normal people/friends and build a connection over time in a genuine non-forced fashion and see where time takes us.

I don't know if what I said is necessarily a good thing, but I felt good about not diving into a clingy, needy conversation where I tell her how much I miss her every day....it was just kind of a nice chat and at the end nobody cried, or sounded depressed, it sounded almost happy.

any thoughts on this approach that I took?


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

myself, i think you should just ignore her. no answering calls, texts,smoke signals.give her a dose of reality.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Good job at staying away and going dark, It amazes me when poeple think they are about to lose someone, they will make the contact, but when they think you will be there doormat they go and tell you to file.

Good job......and do not beg for your marriage...you keep the "happy face" on and she will see how confident you are in moving on with out her and she will start to think twice about her choices..(as you have seen).

I get it, Iv'e been there, just stay positive no matter how hard and with this perception of confidence she will second guess her dicisions. 


Its when "they" see you cryin, is when they think they got you and can continue to do what ever they want, thinking you will all ways be around. 


So stay strong and smile, you must maintain what you have and she sees that you are not as weak as she thought, and her next move could make you leave for good. Well done sir.

I know this crap stinks , but so many beg and cry , but the ones that can force that smile like you did and refrain from the need to contact them.....well it seems to work out for the loyal.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Isn't this guy being blindsided? He does not know nothing about their affair, only crumbs of "emotional connection" bullsh!t she gave him. That is after manipulating him and blaming him for not trusting her. And why does every time a cheating wife starts taking advice from guy going through a divorce?

OP, you are trusting in her too much. You are utterly being misled and walked over. You are the classical doormat kind of guy. I know you trust your wife but this is not the time. I would suggest that you post the thread in "Coping with Infidelity" section of this forum


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

Guy, thanks for the compliments, i'm keeping as strong as I can...she even asked how my weekend was...as if she expected me to say "lonely without you"...and so I told her what I did on the weekend...

I explained how I took part in a rock climbing competition I was prepping for, and placed FIRST in one event, and in the top 10 in the other (out of like 100 people)....so it was my way of saying (without actually saying it)...You won't crush me. I'm a winner, with or without you, it makes no difference.

Warlock - I admit I was in the doormat position, and you're right, isn't it funny how I get yelled at for accusing her with this other guy, and two days later she admits she does in fact have a connection with him? twisted how peoples act.

I am however, not a doormat. If things don't work out, I will be devastated, yes, but really, it's her loss. I'm an athletic guy, who cooks(well, i'm learning and enjoying it), cleans, works out, tries to be romantic (when I can help it) faithful, honest, and funny. I've had several women make passes at me in the last week (especially at the competition)....

Despite politely declining those advances... because I want to work things out with my wife...i'll get along just fine without her if that's how she wants it.


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## mattmf01 (Jan 24, 2012)

Dude, an emotional conection with another man is considered an affair to me. You dont have to be knocking boots to have an affair.


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

yea I know..it's called an "Emotional Affair"....I can deal with that, what choice do I really have right now? However, once it crosses from Emotional to Physical, well then that's the line.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

You're letting your marriage go too easily. 

I'm in the same boat except I don't have any evidence of an affair. All the signs are there but no evidence.

I have decided to declare unconditional love for my wife and let her know about it. I feel good about it too.

It makes it easy for me to live my life when I can admit to the whole world that I love her no matter what she does. Whether I can stay married to her is somewhat a different story though. I can't force her to love me or stay with me, but I know how I feel about it and am not ashamed of it.

Manipulating others via any means other than pure love is a useless idea in my opinion. The 180 rule, the whole no contact thing and filing divorce first to gain control is more harmful to the left behind person than the wayward.

If you go out of your way to show your true love for her, there's no chance in hell she will anything close to it with another guy, so there's almost a guaranteed regret awaiting her in the future. Whether she will run back to you will depend on many things that are out of your control.

The only thing you can control is how you express your feelings. You can't even control the feeling itself. Just how you express it.

I have decided to profoundly express mine with absolutely no shame or reservation.

If it makes her complacent even further in her commitment to our marriage, then she will surely make unavoidable mistakes. Those mistakes will hurt her (and you as her lover), but sometimes people need to be hurt in order to come down to earth and see reality.

My wife is the love of my life. I can't manipulate her into loving me by ignoring her and making her curious. That stuff only works temporarily. She will eventually get tired and leave again.

I want my wife to know what "unconditional love" is by showing her. If she's willing to learn, there's a lifetime of happiness and contentment awaiting her regardless of who she ends up with.

I have learned it and love it. It's wonderful.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

war-
Your spot on, I'm just trowing CS a bone, b/c he diserves one. There is alot more to this crap and all us vets know this...just a small point of view in the gaint sceem of things.


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## asylumspadez (Jan 17, 2012)

I think she needs therapy to deal with her clear emotional problems. I think thats the only way to really save your marriage, Thats if she wants to save it. I would continue the path you are on now for another week or two and see how it goes.

If your relationship improved then continue doing this but it hasnt then suggest counseling for her or for the both of you to try to fix things. But a condition of counseling (should she choose to take it and wanna save the marriage) is to cut off all contact with the guy she was having the emotional affair with.


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

I agree Asylum....i'm just seeing how things work out. my major concern is, the farther she gets from me, the closer she gets to this other guy with texting and everything.

I am going to sit her down in a week or so and simply say it like this.

_I've done everything you've asked. Been respectful of your wishes, complied with all of your terms, and respected all of your boundaries and privacy during this whole difficult situation. I helped you when you asked for it, talked and listened when you wanted to, and in return I never asked anything in return. But now I have something very important that I want to ask from you. 

I want us to talk with a marriage counselor. To have a chance to sit down in a civil setting, and talk things out, instead of bottling them up. It would be good for both of us to help clear the air, and get some perspective on everything._

Something to that affect...I feel if I just give it some time then sit down in a calm manor, and ask. I will learn 1 of two things.

That she will either give it a chance, and see how far down the rabbit hole goes...

or she'll decline. Which at least will let me know where we stand.

Either way, I think I've got nothing to lose by asking, right?


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

I think it's a good idea to give her the marriage counseling (and no contact with affair partner) vs divorce option; that way, you're saying you won't be okay with her cheating and she is the one who stands to lose everything if she does this. Maybe she will go anyway, but at least you will be doing the right thing for you. You're handling this very well! I'm in almost the same situation as you and not handling my separation well, at all (together nearly 8 years, married just over 1.5, now separated because WH is cheating and wants to blameshift onto me for "not trusting him" rather than admit the full extent of his attachment to the OW). Good for you that you're hanging in there and willing to walk away if it looks like she is going to continue to disrespect you!


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

Thanks Desert-rose. It's the hardest thing i've ever had to do...and i've had to deal with plenty of difficult tasks in my life.

I guess some might say i'm handling it well. Truth be told, I don't feel like I am haha...It's the most painful, unending misery i've ever known in my life. But somewhere I have to take control. Somewhere I have to draw the line in the sand and say "Here it is!"...if I reach out, and she at least tries to reach back, I can live with that. 

If she won't reach back at all, unfortunately, I can live with that too. 

I haven't yet crossed the bridge yet of "what if" we divorce...she has far more to lose than I do (she works for a very big company, and makes 3 times my salary, and I do alright for myself, so thats saying something)

Part of me wants to believe that I'd take the high-road, and leave gracefully. The wounded part of me seems to believe otherwise.

I guess time will tell how it all plays out right?

I wish the best for you too...sounds like we're in a very similar situation having been together for the same time, and married the same time, and that she blames me for everything, saying we had "just as many downs as we had ups"...which i disagree..i can think of like 30 ups, for every 1 down...but i guess that's a matter of perspective, and it's easier to think of the negatives, than the positives, especially when you're dealing with something as fragile as love and feelings.

any-who, I digress....time will tell


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