# Completely stuck because of finances



## Angus1985 (Feb 14, 2013)

There have to be more couples stuck in a marriage because of financial reasons. After almost 22 years of marriage when all our finances are intertwined including the house. Neither one of us can stay in the house without the other, dual income family. It is easier to just stay together than split. One kid in his 3rd year of college the other will be starting in September, another complication. It would be so hard to break all this up. My story is simple. I fell out of love years ago. He has not. He is trying, I am trying but it just isnt happening. I am in therapy for this. But I have figured out I cannot make myself feel something that is simply not there. I tried to force it but that is too difficult. So I am simply existing right now. What else can I do?


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## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

I feel staying in love with someone is an active choice. And that love itself differs from person to person. Each person needs to revisit what their ideas of love are, and what love is in a LTR. What are your expectations? Needs? Wants? Do you feel you'll find them elsewhere? Are you morning not having the feelings you assumed love would be toward your spouse? You say he's still in love and trying, so what is missing for you?


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## Angus1985 (Feb 14, 2013)

I'm not sure what might be missing. I just know that my feelings for him have changed. I was 21 when we married and we have both grown since then. I have grown in a different direction than he has. It is interesting that you believe being in love with someone is a choice. I'm not sure I believe that. If it was as easy as me deciding that I am going to be in love with him I would have done it already and this whole situation would be easier!


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## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

Angus1985 said:


> I'm not sure what might be missing. I just know that my feelings for him have changed. I was 21 when we married and we have both grown since then. I have grown in a different direction than he has. It is interesting that you believe being in love with someone is a choice. I'm not sure I believe that. If it was as easy as me deciding that I am going to be in love with him I would have done it already and this whole situation would be easier!


I didn't mean to invalidate your feelings or to imply you chose to fall out of love. However, yes, I think to remain in love, one has to make an active choice. I had to revisit my own definition of love and romance, and have been reading so much on LTRs, love, romance, etc that it's in my every pore. What I've come to conclude is this, to be happy with someone and in love with them, you need to do more than pay bills, talk about the kids and watch a TV show on the couch. The problem with couples-at least with us-is that we kept putting off things that we enjoyed because we had no money, well guess what? Our marriage is now dead for that and other reasons. Point is, to be happy and feel those warm fuzzy feelings with someone you need to laugh together, do fun stuff you both enjoy together (fishing, hiking, camping, dancing, cooking, etc), you both need to exist as a woman and a man, a couple, not just a mom and dad with checkbooks to cover house/bills/etc. And if the aspect of woman/man isn't there, it's going to be hard to feel love. Also, our MC always says: "it's hard to feel love when you're feeling other things." Maybe start journaling the good, the bad and the bland and revisit those feelings? Obviously this is just my take, I'm a random internet stranger, so take it all with a grain of salt


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## Angus1985 (Feb 14, 2013)

Thank you. I understand what you are saying. I appreciate your opinion, gives me a bit more to think about. I am entering a phase in my life where my children do not need me anymore and we are left with eachother. Maybe neither one of us is sure what to do with that. Have the kids just been holding us together? It is not something that just happened over night. I have been feeling this way for years. Just not sure what to do now as going back to my first post, we are kind of stuck together for at least the short term.


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## confused0105 (Feb 16, 2013)

I feel for you. If you are feeling financially stuck right now, you could focus on what you would like your life to look like in a few years. Start building a life for yourself now whatever that means: taking some courses, a hobbie, financial planning in case of divorce.


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## Mr.D.E.B.T. (Jul 19, 2012)

IMHO, love is not a feeling; it's a state of being. You do have to choose to love someone and there will be times when you are on cloud nine and other times when you feel the need to leave. It is difficult for two people to mentally build towards becoming one and having no desire to work towards that make it impossible. I hope you are able to overcome your lack of desires to build your relationship with him and move forward. You put 20 plus years into your marriage and I know that means something to you. Maybe you've lost hope in your partner being able to help you make your dreams a reality. If so, talk to him about that and see if you both can get back to helping each other live a lifestyle that you both desire.


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## Angus1985 (Feb 14, 2013)

I downloaded a book to my Kindle today on someone's suggestion. I love you but I'm not in love with you is the name. I am about a quarter of the way through and it is really hitting home for me. It truly explains a lot of what may have gone wrong. For the first time in a long time I am actually feeling a little bit hopeful. 

I really like your response I thought it was very good. Thank you!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There is another book that will help you a lot: "His Needs, Her Needs". There is a link to it below in my signature block.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Angus1985 said:


> I fell out of love years ago. He has not. He is trying, I am trying but it just isnt happening. I am in therapy for this. But I have figured out I cannot make myself feel something that is simply not there. I tried to force it but that is too difficult. So I am simply existing right now. What else can I do?


 What I suspect is that you continue to meet his needs. He's happy. He's getting what he wants and needs. Am I right?


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## Angus1985 (Feb 14, 2013)

Yes you are. I'm reading the book and it is already helping. I do want to be happy again. I'm what I believe also struggling with mid-life as well.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, here's the thing. You are going to have to stop meeting all his needs. He is NOT reciprocating and that just makes you a martyr. A dumb one. (no offense)

He will not change if he's happy, ok? "H, I am SO unhappy with this situation that I have to do something. Life's too short and something's got to give. Here's a questionnaire about Love Busters and here's a questionnaire about Emotional Needs. I need you to fill them out. I'm going to fill them out, too. I want you to read mine when I'm done, and see what I need from you. If you decide you don't love me enough to address the LBs and meet the ENs, then I guess we'll just have to plan to separate. It may take a year to get the finances in order, but I can't stay in this marriage any longer if you won't step up and at least try to make me happy." And hand him the questionnaires.


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## likeaboss (Feb 21, 2013)

I agree strongly with Turnera's post. I also believe being in love with someone is a choice.


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