# help me get over the panic please



## favoritemistake (Aug 30, 2012)

Here is a synopsis of my story: 

Together 23 years married 20. I am SAHM. Husband left me for 18 months in year 6 (my children were very young at the time) because he felt he wasn't ready for marriage (I was his first). A lot of hostility for me and very, very ugly things said that changed my life. Rug swept when he came back...happy to have him home so none of the ugliness was dealt with, no real resolution. Pushed it down and lived in fear of the other shoe. Other shoe finally dropped in 2009 when H confessed to ONS...DD1. He was worried about his health and had to tell me. We focused in his health anxiety, I forgave and pushed it down. 11/2011 DD 2. I found evidence of affair. DD1 was a watered down version....complete fabrication really. He was having a 3 year PA with much younger, much more attractive woman. There were no feelings just hook-ups, she accomidated him about half the time he called on her. NSA sex. She knew he was married and she is not attached (she is actually a part time escort but met him at her day job and fancied him...they do not work together). 

I am in a panic about divorce. My thoughs have become obsessive and it's affecting my stomach and heart (palpitations). 

Can anyone tell me tangible ways to stop these obsessive thoughts so I can get done what I need to for Christmas? 

Any advice with the exception of filing for divorce is appreciated.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Just for the sake of clarity.

Did the affairs happen before, during, or after the separation?

If before or during then it has been about 12 years or so and you are just now finding out? Or is DD2 the revelation of an on-going affair in 2011?


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## favoritemistake (Aug 30, 2012)

Sorry for the confusion. 

He left me when we had been married 6 almost 7 years for 18 months before he wanted to come back. We never dealt with our issues then. 

About 16 years into our marriage (maybe 15 he doesnt recall when exactly it started :scratchhead he began a long term PA, the details of which are too unique/identifying for me to go into. On DD1 he confessed (I had no idea) but the story he gave me was bogus. After a brief no contact period he again initiated with the same woman. He continued for a couple years after that until I discovered evidence on my own (DD2). He then came clean...at least as far as I know.

Our issues are very long term and deep. 

I plan on having a conversation with him after my daughter returns to school about these long term/deep issues as I see them...hoping to continue our recently robust/frank discussions. 

Trying to get through the holidays though without these obsessive thoughts. 

Thank you.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I will be very surprised if you can keep the thoughts at bay. The only thing I can think of is to just be so busy you don't have time to think about it. Or so drunk.

If you are not willing to file for divorce, what ARE you willing to do here??

And what is HE doing to help quell your panic?? He's the one who caused all of this. Get MAD at him.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

favoritemistake said:


> Can anyone tell me tangible ways to stop these obsessive thoughts so I can get done what I need to for Christmas?
> 
> Any advice with the exception of filing for divorce is appreciated.


There is only one answer to your question.

Drugs, and a lot of them.

Maybe a Valium stupor will work.

Otherwise you have a long and very bumpy road ahead.

Sorry you are here.


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## favoritemistake (Aug 30, 2012)

Thank you for the replies. I am trying to deal with this without drugs or alcohol. 

Hope, the reason I am not considering divorce right now is that I am hoping with all of my heart that we can get to the root of our issues through increased communication. It's hard to change a 23 year dynamic but I think we are slowly making progress. 

But you see I am not the only one who has the choice and I am the weak one in this relationship. He doesn't have the same investment as me (although he says he has seen the light). The deck is stacked against us and I feel I must be prepared but I am so frightened, it's paralyzing.

He does seem genuinely remorseful and he is completely different in how he treats me. He has been very loving. Initially at discovery he was sometimes defensive but always willing to talk through it. Lately though he has really listened to what I say and is putting in a great effort. I don't think he got it at first how hurt I was but I think he realizes now the damage and pain he has caused me. 

But I am not sure how he "really" feels, what he "really" thinks, how introspective he "really" is. I can't be in his head. I mean the fact is the trust isn't there even though there are no red flags, it's been almost 14 months since DD2. He won't go to initial counseling but has been coming to marriage counseling with me. 

I am having a hard time accepting his loving gestures as I am now convinced he doesn't love me....ironic since I spent so much of our married life telling myself he really did love me despite his treatment of me (he is an emotional distancer and I am emotionally too dependent). 

So, there you have it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You see yourself as weak. But I sense an inner steel in what you write. We'll be here, remember: We have your back!:smthumbup:


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## favoritemistake (Aug 30, 2012)

Thanks MattMatt...that made me cry.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

favoritemistake said:


> Husband left me for 18 months in year 6 (my children were very young at the time) because he felt he wasn't ready for marriage (I was his first).


The kids were his? He's ready to be a father but not a husband?

That doesn't make a lot of sense.



favoritemistake said:


> H confessed to ONS...He was having a 3 year PA with much younger, much more attractive woman.


Ok, he's a liar and cannot be trusted at his word going forward. 



favoritemistake said:


> There were no feelings just hook-ups,


You know this, exactly how? Because he told you there were no feelings? He also told you a 3 year affair was just a ONS. Don't confuse what you want to believe with the truth.



favoritemistake said:


> (she is actually a part time escort but met him at her day job and fancied him...they do not work together).


He probably met her at her night job not her day job. 



favoritemistake said:


> I am in a panic about divorce. My thoughs have become obsessive and it's affecting my stomach and heart (palpitations).


You don't see it now, but truth is, divorce will be the best thing that will happen to you.



favoritemistake said:


> Any advice with the exception of filing for divorce is appreciated.


Realize your mind is playing tricks on you, things are not as bad as they seem, some day you will be rid of this lying cheater you made the mistake of marrying and your life will be better even though you don't accept that now, and push the divorce and all related matters to the side, knowing that you will effectively deal with them after the holidays.



favoritemistake said:


> Thank you for the replies. I am trying to deal with this without drugs or alcohol.


Ask your doc for a short acting anti anxiety med.

Xanax comes to mind. You need it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The reactions you are having now are very real and debilitating. You would benefit a lot form getting prescription drugs to help you handle this. They do not numb you. They take away the panicked edge so you can deal with the problems at hand. You don’t need to be on them for life. Use them as a tool to get over the hump. See a doctor.

I think you would benefit from the book “Surviving an Affair” by Dr. Harley. Since you have never dealt with the issues you really do need to go back as though this this day one and do all the things that the two of you should have done back then.

This will only work if your husband understands that you need for him to work with you this because he has to help you heal and he has to prove to you that he can be trusted.


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## halojereme (Dec 18, 2012)

I will be very surprised if you can keep the thoughts at bay.


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