# Emotional Affair



## devistated33 (Aug 5, 2011)

my spouse had an emotional affair. it continued for about a year. i found emails,phone calls etc...Even after i found this evidence it continued for a few months.now it might b over im not sure.but how do i recover from such a mess when my spouse believes that nothing wrong was done and when i tried to set "boundries" for our marriage....they were refused.i love my other half and we have 2 small children.i do not want to break up our family but am torn between my love for him and my anger,resentment and now insecurities in our marriage. i am so lost .......... does anyone have any advice or input who has been thru the same or similar situation?


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Hi,
Im going through a similar thing myself at the moment. Found out 3 months ago that my husdand of 18 years has been txtin a work colleague day and night. Its over with them now but I am totally devastated and dont know what to do. I feel for you. I just want my old life back.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Part of the reason your husband refused is he wants to sweep this under the rug, this is a guarantee for a future affair . You will continue to hurt until he evidences he is fully committed to you. There are no gentle ways forward , either he commits to you , your marriage in words and deeds or you take drastic action.

It is important you understand you will not survive emotionally if he does not work within the boudaries, many a betrayed spouse has had a mental breakdown due to their wayward spouses dictating the boundaries and denying the affair. His denial is his mode of self preservation and not wanting to acknowledge what he had become , it is also an enabler for a future affair.

I recommend you read up on the 180 
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forums: Divorce busting 180 degree list

See an attorney and start preparing for a divorce or legal separation , you are going to baulk at this but you have no choice , either enforce the boundaries and call your husbands bluff or for your own health and well being move on.

If you are in marriage counciling bring up your options with your husband, be very serious about this and do not let him manipulate you. He then knows you are committed to your marriage only if he is in turn doing his everything to protect and support you.

While you love your husband he needs to be aware he is killing your love for him and there is zero chance of recovery without his full and total commitment to you. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bsnone (Aug 3, 2011)

Dear Devistated33,

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I myself just found out about my wife's EA which I've learned has lead to somewhat of a PA. I know your pain and it is horrible and I'm so sad that we have to endure this. 

I don't have lots of great advice but I think there is some on these pages. Just know that you are not at fault and you are not alone. Hopefully we will heal!


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Each of you needs to listen to Eli's advice and counsel. Sticking your head in the sand and ignoring it will not make the issue go away. It needs to be on the table and addressed calmly, with consequences if you want it to stop. No screaming matches, just real conversation about how you will not tolerate an open marriage, nor their behavior. They will lie and rug-sweep, telling you "there is nothing" or "it meant nothing". Not good enough; you demand openness and transparency, no secrets in yur marriage. That means getting full access to email, cell, faceboook, chat logs, computer...immediately, with no chance to clear out the history. They will refuse, citing their right to "privacy". B.S.!!! There are no secrets in marriage, period, and you will not tolerate them having secrets any more. 

If they won't comply with what you need, then you need ot have alternate plans, whatever they are, including leaving and filing for D, because then you have full understanding of how your marriage is to be moving forward on their terms, and you have a decision to live with their terms or not.

I know it sounds cold and stringent, but it's reality you are now in. There is no "going back" to your old life. Your old life had a cheating spouse and wasn't what you thought it was. So, time to take charge of how it will be i nthe future, either way... good luck to you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You cannot recover from an affair if it's still happening and your spuse doesn't think anything is wrong with what they are doing/did.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

My X (notice X) had an EA which I think became a PA (when he went on trip to area in which she lives while we were still married).

I asked him about it earlier when I discovered it and he lied and lied and lied and didnot want MC.

What options are left? Divorce which is what I am today and moving in a few days.

Good luck. It is not an easy journey whatever your choice.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Here is a post on similar thread by LordMayhem, I suggest you read and follow it carefully.



lordmayhem said:


> Yet another part of the cheater's script: The blame shifting. I hate it when they do that. The cheater tries to play the victim to justify the cheating.
> 
> From the outside looking in, since you have no kids with her, I would be kicking her @ss to the curb. She's f*cking other men already, so she's looking to get out of the marriage. She says she will do anything to save the marriage. Ok, but do you think she can do the heavy lifting to save it? I think she's biding her time until OM can leave his BW, or until she finds someone new.
> 
> ...


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