# It's all smoke and mirrors!



## Beth18 (Oct 28, 2012)

From the outside my life looks good. I've been married 7 yrs and a stay at home mom to young kids and live in the city. But inside its really not so great. My husband doesn't take me out and doesn't like to celebrate special occasions. I figured out about 2 years ago that I really like going out and have created a social life for myself. I go out about 5-6 times a month with friends for dinner or a movie, nothing crazy but I really like it. I've been out 2 times in the last 10 months without kids. Is that crazy? We had an anniversary and my birthday in the past 10 months and didn't go out for either. My husband said he arranged for his brother to babysit, but he never made any reservations and the his brother couldn't babysit. It all started several years ago with promises of birthday presents and he never got me anything. I decided bdays were just a constant disappointment. But he insists every year will be different, but as evidenced this year it doesn't. This year I actually got a gift. I was asked what I wanted and told him no electronics- and got a digital camera

I am really starting to feel disappointed and embarrassed. I feel line crying when I see friends going out as couples or friends talking about going out or plans for special occasions. I've tried hiring babysitters and making regular date nights but my husband doesn't seem open to it.

What are your thought?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

You know your husband doesn't like going out, and you know he sucks at special occasions. You can beat your head against a wall and keep hoping he'll become someone he isn't, or you can accept it and take charge to get more of what you want anyway.

Keep hiring those babysitters and planning evenings out with your husband. If he's not into it, so what? You aren't into staying home with the kids all the time, but that's exactly what will happen if you don't make the plans and go out anyway. Make this a regular part of your life, and he'll get used to it, even if he grumbles about it. Many women are the social event heart of the family - they don't wait for their husbands to schedule things, especially things that the wives are way more interesting in doing than their husbands are.

If your birthday is important, and he sucks at planning and doing, then you plan something that you would like to do and tell him when and where to show up. Pick out three things you would like him to get for you and send him links so he can pick one and buy it. Make it easy for him...and good for you. And then have fun. I do this with my guy, and we're both happy - I don't end up with small appliances as gifts (unless it's on my list!) and he doesn't have to read my mind about what new restaurant I want to try.

Stop expecting him to be someone he's not. Just work with who he is, and make it happen.


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## Scott25 (Oct 27, 2012)

Hows your communication with your husband? Being straight forward and yes making it very easy for him will help greatly. I would recommend really telling him how you felt when it came to those very disappointed times. I love my wife and we do not have the communication I hope for. Before I never knew how much certain things bothered her, if I knew then what I know now my relationship would be much happier. He just may be as "clueless" as I was before. Communication is key.  hope this helps


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Make plans and go do them, hon. Life's too short for all those regrets. It also might benefit you to get the 5 Languages of Love book and read it. As you do it, summarize it for him and ask him his opinion. You may discover that you're both feeling unloved and can easily make a few simple adjustments to get back on track and feel better than ever about each other.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I agree with Norajane.... you have to make things happen, because he just isn't going to...for whatever reasons. 

With that in mind, I'd plan weekly date nites. YOU find a babysitter. And every other date is a "date at home" with no kids. So you go out more, but he still gets his comfort zone met too. Win-win. 

Also, you could set up something one nite a week just for yourself. Like a book club, or volunteering, take classes, or something that you can enjoy while he stays home with the kids. You get to get out and socialize, get that need met for yourself while doing something you enjoy.

*Edited to add: Another idea.... once a month host game nite or something where you invite other couples to your home. Meets your need for socializing, and creates a sort of comforting/understanding peer group. (Not sure if that made sense, but I know exactly what I mean!!)


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