# Newly husband watches porn etc daily and neglects me a lot



## Mari89 (Jan 23, 2021)

So here’s the break down. We’ve been together for 2 years. We get along well, he is caring and very supportive in all other aspects.In the beginning of the relationship, I did find that he saved nude photos of his ex’s during the time that we were dating. He accidentally left the window open on my laptop. I told him I didn’t agree with it and it’s not acceptable. So he deleted the photos. Throughout the months I would notice he barely would have sex with me for weeks and even when he did he couldn’t “finish.” I noticed he would spend long periods in the shower or just 30-40 mins “on the toilet” daily & constantly. He asked me to look at something on his phone and he went to the search bar on Instagram and accounts that he had been searching up nude women accounts or women twerking. I told him I didn’t think that was respectful in our relationship especially when it affects the sex life. He swore he would stop and he would change. Fast forward to December 1st we got married. Btw I was hospitalized for one month in September and had a premature baby.I noticed the neglect in intimacy again and time he would spend in the bathroom or the other room late at night.One night my baby was crying due to colic, he was asleep and I was walking around in the other room with her trying to calm her to sleep. His phone kept making noise so I went to turn it on vibrate and I noticed a weird notification of a recording being finished. I open it and to my surprise he was watching younger females (he’s 32 yrs old) get naked even having sex on periscope live. And he had multiple videos saved to his phone. I saw he deleted all of the inmate videos and photos of me. I saw the dates he recorded these videos started 4 days after we tied the knot and everyday leading up to the day I found the recordings. I even saw times that he’s at work watching it & always tells me he can’t text me due to work. Yet he never texts or calls to check on my daughter and I but he’s online watching this ? He wakes up and I tell him what I found and I started crying feeling betrayed I wanted to leave and get a divorce. He cried and begged me not to leave saying he will seek help like counseling. But I haven’t seen him make efforts. I need advice, I’ve been on a longer maternity leave due to complications with healing from the hospital but I will soon go back to work. I’m over whelmed and need good advice.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Ban porn. Simple.


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## Mari89 (Jan 23, 2021)

RandomDude said:


> Ban porn. Simple.


 I have tried many times telling him this is unacceptable and he some how resorts back to this.


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## Totally T (Dec 20, 2020)

Serious problem. The right response is to deal with this seriously. I would consider getting the divorce and moving on; it just looks too entrenched. I'm a man, and there's no way at age 32 that I would opt for porn over sex with my wife. This is one of those problems that you by yourself, with all your love and goodwill, cannot magically solve.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mari89 said:


> I have tried many times telling him this is unacceptable and he some how resorts back to this.


Your husband is "addicted" to porn. Here's some info for you. Your Brain on Porn: How Internet Porn Affects the Brain (2015) – Your Brain On Porn 
There is a lot more info on line about this and how to recover from porn "addiction". 

Your husband will not stop his porn use if he does not want to. The only thing you can do is to let him know that as his wife you want a healthy sex life with him. If he does not take the steps to stop his porn use, you will divorce him. I suggest you find a marriage counselor who is also a sex therapist and who understands the problems caused by porn addiction.

If he does not deal with this, you need to decide if you are willing to go on for the rest of your life with a sexless, or near sexless marriage. If you are not you will do well to divorce him and find a man who actually likes sex with a live woman.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mari89 said:


> I have tried many times telling him this is unacceptable and he some how resorts back to this.


Give him a choice, you or the porn. I am afraid that you married him knowing that he was a porn user, and he still is a porn user.
I would say to him you are free to watch porn, but if you carry on I am free to end ths marriage, and I will. Then you must enable him to see that this has consequences and that you will not be with a man who does this. So far you have done nothing but make threats, he probably knows that you wont act on them. If he sees that you will act then he will have to make that choice, his family or the porn. I suspect that his use has been very long standing so it wont be easy for him to stop, but thats his choice in the end.

Oh and when you say very young women what do you actually mean?

I honestly dont think that therapy will help at all, unless its specifically for men who want to give up porn with accountability etc.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Your husband needs to get into therapy, if he won't then that shows you that he's not willing to work on the marriage. So, are you able to accept that your marriage will be this way forever? If not, then you need to put your foot down. He starts therapy asap or you want a divorce. You have to be prepared to follow through with it. Sometimes people need to have a reason to change.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Mari89,

There's a link to a thread that provides some resources. It's a long thread so read at least the first few pages that list the resouces.

The Sex Starved Wife | Talk About Marriage


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## Totally T (Dec 20, 2020)

I've got nephews in their 20s and the whole porn and videogame addiction stuff is HUGE, and if you're older it's not so easy to understand. This really is a problem for men of this generation...it blocks them from emotional and sexual maturity. This leaves women of this age frustrated and vulnerable. It leaves society with fewer families and fewer good childrearing potential.

There IS much to be said for government regulation of commercial pornography and for government regulation of the internet in order to make blocks really work. As we're finding out, the government does have a role to play with the large tech companies: leaving it to the industries here definitely harms our society.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Porn is nothing new. What has changed maybe is the availability. And because some people especially some men's brains are now trained to go for the easy fix, they don't put in the effort and time for intimacy with their significant other because it's about mutual pleasure, instead of instant gratification. That's what so sad about this - he had you, he had a wife and baby right there and went instead for videos of others having sex. Try and begin separation - show you are serious. If you aren't willing to pull the plug he will not stop if you aren't making it a requirement. Make it a must-do that he seeks help, and that if you see signs of improvement, you might be willing to do marriage counseling together down the line but NOT if he looks at any more porn, video girls or whatever. You have said it is unacceptable and it can't happen again. It has happened again. Now what? What consequences are you willing to enforce?


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Girl, you need to run as fast as your feet can take you. You just described my marriage of 24 years and I can tell you that no amount of you talking and counseling is going to help. Your husband has a serious addiction. Staying is just going to make you feel like you are not good enough because he has to have someone else. You will not be able to accept this. You will know that every time you walk out the door or even if he is in the next room he is looking at other women on the internet or seeking them in person in some way. Is this really any way to live? Take your child and find a life for yourself. make something for the two of you. This is a dead end.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

To be honest, he doesn't at all seem physically or sexually attracted to you....Sorry if that sounds a bit harsh, but judging by reading your post, that's what it actually sounds like...

It's easy to just make the pornography the villain here, but it seems as though there was never a strong physical connection...I don't know why he hung around and why you married him(especially knowing this), as most of the time the problems you are mentioning happen far longer than two years together...Hell, most people are still at a stage in two years where they can't keep hands off one another....Your deal sounds like the typical couple that has been together for decades and grew apart....

My feeling is that he isn't in this marriage for the intimacy and sex...And the porn he is using didn't "spoil" him, he is using it as a tool...The way some people sound it's as if only the people with relationship or sex problems are viewing it...Many people who have 100% "normal" sex lives in terms of desire and frequency also will view it and some even use it to spice up their own sex lives...I am not saying that there isn't a possibility that he has a problem, but if you have had these problems since practically day one, then I don't think he ever really had a strong attraction physically...

Giving an "ultimatum" as some suggest, isn't a great idea, IMO..What good does it do to know that you had to practically put a gun to a guys head to get him to do what he should be doing naturally anyway?...What type of satisfaction would you have with that? I know I wouldn't be so keen...Now if he did it of his own free will and understanding of the issue, that would change the dynamic...

I think rather than just focusing on just the porn, try to figure out why this guy seemingly never had any interest in you sexually right from the get go...


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

uh...before you do anything drastic....
how about joining him. he obviously likes porn. try watching porn together with him. maybe introduce him to the types of porn you like. discover some couples porn you both like. maybe try some role play where you dress up and act like his favorite porn scenes. 

it obviously turns him on to watch it. incorporating it into your lovemaking would therefore turn him on to YOU.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

hamadryad said:


> To be honest, he doesn't at all seem physically or sexually attracted to you....Sorry if that sounds a bit harsh, but judging by reading your post, that's what it actually sounds like...
> 
> It's easy to just make the pornography the villain here, but it seems as though there was never a strong physical connection...I don't know why he hung around and why you married him(especially knowing this), as most of the time the problems you are mentioning happen far longer than two years together...Hell, most people are still at a stage in two years where they can't keep hands off one another....Your deal sounds like the typical couple that has been together for decades and grew apart....
> 
> ...


how are you dressed when you are at home together?
have you tried wearing any sexy/kinky lingerie around the house?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Talker67 said:


> uh...before you do anything drastic....
> how about joining him. he obviously likes porn. try watching porn together with him. maybe introduce him to the types of porn you like. discover some couples porn you both like. maybe try some role play where you dress up and act like his favorite porn scenes.
> 
> it obviously turns him on to watch it. incorporating it into your lovemaking would therefore turn him on to YOU.


I think its pretty clear that she doesnt think porn is a good idea.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Talker67 said:


> uh...before you do anything drastic....
> how about joining him. he obviously likes porn. try watching porn together with him. maybe introduce him to the types of porn you like. discover some couples porn you both like. maybe try some role play where you dress up and act like his favorite porn scenes.
> 
> it obviously turns him on to watch it. incorporating it into your lovemaking would therefore turn him on to YOU.


You are not seeing this problem clearly -- people who are compulsive and obsessive about porn (or anything) are not doing it purely for adding enjoyment to an already healthy sex life. He is secretive and neglecting his willing and interested partner for porn. I don't believe he has ANY interest in her joining him.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

You need to treat this like a drug or alcohol addiction -- you don't wait for him to change, you LEAVE and work on it from an emotionally supportive place FOR YOU, if you want to. Do you have family that you can stay with while you sort things out with him and decide what to do?


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Dear OP- Hubby needs help and if he's willing and wants to save his marriage he should seek it out. All men can easily throw porn out if they want to. Throw away the phone, move the computer to the living room in front of the window where there's no privacy, install content filters and give the passwords to a friend, etc. It's really as simple as that. Once the porn is hard to get to- the impulse it thwarted and healing can begin. I'd give up my phone and computer tomorrow if my wife said she was leaving me...if a guy won't do these things to save his marriage then you probably should leave him. I'm sorry you're going through this. Porn is a terrible epidemic among men. People need to start taking action, talking about it, and fixing this.


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## Totally T (Dec 20, 2020)

I don't get porn addiction. That stuff gets boring fast. It's okay to watch with your wife; a lot more fun then. But INSTEAD of your wife????

huh.

Indicates problem to me, imho.

But I'm no doctor and my opinion's worth about a nickel.


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## Mari89 (Jan 23, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> uh...before you do anything drastic....
> how about joining him. he obviously likes porn. try watching porn together with him. maybe introduce him to the types of porn you like. discover some couples porn you both like. maybe try some role play where you dress up and act like his favorite porn scenes.
> 
> it obviously turns him on to watch it. incorporating it into your lovemaking would therefore turn him on to YOU.





Talker67 said:


> how are you dressed when you are at home together?
> have you tried wearing any sexy/kinky lingerie around the house?


I tried dressing up in lingerie that he likes and role playing. I even watched porn with him and he seemed uninterested in the porn


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## Mari89 (Jan 23, 2021)

hamadryad said:


> To be honest, he doesn't at all seem physically or sexually attracted to you....Sorry if that sounds a bit harsh, but judging by reading your post, that's what it actually sounds like...
> 
> It's easy to just make the pornography the villain here, but it seems as though there was never a strong physical connection...I don't know why he hung around and why you married him(especially knowing this), as most of the time the problems you are mentioning happen far longer than two years together...Hell, most people are still at a stage in two years where they can't keep hands off one another....Your deal sounds like the typical couple that has been together for decades and grew apart....
> 
> ...


How do I figure out that he was never into me sexually? He’s obsessed with smacking my behind , not sure if that matters.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Mari89 said:


> I tried dressing up in lingerie that he likes and role playing. I even watched porn with him and he seemed uninterested in the porn


i am sorry to hear that. You sound pretty sexy, AND willing to please your husband! What more can a man want???


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Talker67 said:


> i am sorry to hear that. You sound pretty sexy, AND willing to please your husband! *What more can a man want???*


In his case, anyone but her, for all we know...

No disrespect, but this thinking that any man is somehow damaged in some way if there is a willing woman in the house and he's not willing to take her...It's just way more complicated than that for a lot of men...Sure....some won't care...for whatever reason, this guy does...


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Mari89 said:


> How do I figure out that he was never into me sexually? He’s obsessed with smacking my behind , not sure if that matters.





hamadryad said:


> No disrespect, but this thinking that any man is somehow damaged in some way if there is a willing woman in the house and he's not willing to take her...It's just way more complicated than that for a lot of men...Sure....some won't care...for whatever reason, this guy does...


Mari, I doubt if another man would have any trouble "in the bedroom" with you and many could fulfill your desires. And would find you sexy enough to do it on a frequent basis. Your old man ain't one of these men and he never will be. Some men, as it turns out, are just not capable of tending to their wives sexual desires. ( I say wives because most GFs wouldn't put up with his peculiarities) I've know many of these women through the years and virtually all were attractive to very attractive. These men turn to porn because they don't have what it takes to accept the challenges,if you will, and the responsibilities of satisfying anyone other than themselves. I would guess you're very attractive because men of the type youre apparently married to tend to "wimp out" when dealing with attractive women and providing a adequate level of love making skills.
When your old man is "fist banging" himself to the tune of videos of women, he doesn't have the worry of pleasing you and he can just let it rip with blithe disregard for your needs. I'd bet his ineptness in the saddle is why his ex hit the trail. In any case, you still need what your porn addict husband can't do.
My recommendation is to ditch this dud and replace him with someone who appreciates you and is up to the task.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

VladDracul said:


> Mari, I doubt if another man would have any trouble "in the bedroom" with you and many could fulfill your desires. And would find you sexy enough to do it on a frequent basis.


Newsflash....The world is chock full of the hottest women you may see, that guys are sick of fcking....Just look at all the stories you hear of these red hot celebrity women that you would think their man would spend their entire waking hours worshipping them sexually...yet their husbands are out there getting it from the nanny someone else..

This thinking by some that it's just a given that a woman with breasts and a functioning vagina is the worlds sexual gift to any man on the street and should never want for sexual attention from men is not only demeaning to men, its wrong....For those men involved, It has absolutely nothing to do with whether or not they are capable, for whatever reason they no longer want to...Maybe it's some hangup they have, or maybe it's that the connection that guy had with that woman was lost...being "hot" and wearing lingerie aint gonna make that disconnect disappear...

We really don't know what the reasons are and only have one side of this story...Heck, every story I read on here from women that aren't getting it from their husbands claim they are the perfect woman in every way...I've known plenty of gorgeous women over the years that I'd rather run my junk through a meat grinder than put it in them...

Bottom line is for many men, it's just not that simple...


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Hamadryad, I hear what your saying and agree in general. Nevertheless, if a woman wants a good f-ing, she ain't got to look hard to find a man that will give her a good f-ing; Even if the man back the house has lost his desire for her.


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## Lynnfromcali00 (Feb 15, 2021)

Reading through your description of his behaviors, it is also entirely possible he is cheating on you as well. If he’s not having a lot of sex with you, he is getting it somewhere else. I doubt he’s only masturbating to porn.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

hamadryad said:


> In his case, anyone but her, for all we know...
> 
> No disrespect, but this thinking that any man is somehow damaged in some way if there is a willing woman in the house and he's not willing to take her...It's just way more complicated than that for a lot of men...Sure....some won't care...for whatever reason, this guy does...


i am going to still put a lot of the burden on this one guy.
A woman you married...well you CHOSE HER. At one point in time, you obviously thought her sexually attractive. If after some period of married life you now are turned off sexually by her...try readjusting your brain and your expectations.

have you really tried EVERYTHING?
Maybe she just needs some lingerie.
Maybe some role play, some BDSM, you can be the top or the bottom, maybe ask her to peg you, maybe you want to be her cuckhold and watch other guys do her....maybe you want her to get one of her GFs into bed with you...
who knows, but an eager woman is not something you want to waste without really giving up on all the options!


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Talker67 said:


> i am going to still put a lot of the burden on this one guy.
> A woman you married...well you CHOSE HER. At one point in time, you obviously thought her sexually attractive. If after some period of married life you now are turned off sexually by her...try readjusting your brain and your expectations.
> 
> have you really tried EVERYTHING?
> ...


No disrespect, but this is just a pile of nonsense, here^^......

One doesn't have to "try everything" to determine it's not there...All that would do is further punish you into doing something you already know you don't want to do....This isn't fishing where you can try all the lures in the tackle box if they aren't taking the spinner baits...Once it's gone, it's gone...IME anyway(and judging from a lot of cases, and a low success rate of ever getting "it back" in others experiences as well)..There is no "readjusting a brain" ...Whatever was once there is now long gone....That woman may as well have a penis at that point... 😂 

Although to be fair, I shouldn't joke about this....it's one of the most horrible things that can happen(alienation of attraction/affection sexual or otherwise)...but unfortunately it does happen...it's not even really rare..

The world if full of "eager women"....And maybe that's part of the issue...

Your.....results.....may .....vary....


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

i disagree. there are PLENTY of lazy married people out there who would not lift a finger to fix their sex lives, yet would watch porn 24/7 and beat off. there are plenty of losers out there just wanting to blame someone else.


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