# Insecurity??



## Fire&Ice (Feb 4, 2012)

Does anyone else deal with this??

I am in a great relationship with a fabulous woman. In the past I have had some insecurity issues pop up and am terrified that what has happened in the past is going to absolutely ruin what I have in the present.

How do you deal with this?? My spouse and I have a loving relationship and REALLY do not want to ruin it with my issues!!

Thoughts? Techniques on how to cope??


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Are these trust issues? Were you cheated on in the past? If what kind of issues?


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## Fire&Ice (Feb 4, 2012)

They are NOT trust issues. 

Pretty much the feeling of what 'might' go wrong, doom and gloom, fear of loss, etc. Kind of hard to pinpoint where or how they got started. Having a rough time getting them out of the ole peanut.

As stated earlier, we have had a good relationship for well over 15 years and all of a sudden, BAM!!! Life as I knew it was turned on it's ear!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ok so things have been good for 15 years. What changed recently in your life?

Or are you just starting to have some feelings that you had in previous relationships when things started to go downhill?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If it's just some things that you really cannot put a finger one... then I suggest you look at the books in my signature block below under building a passionate marriage. They have a lot of things that can be done to protect a relationship from sliding into a pit.


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## Fire&Ice (Feb 4, 2012)

It is really stuff that I cannot put my finger on. 

I have heard people say that insecurities can stem from childhood. I can definitely see that.

Bottom line, my wonderful wife has ALWAYS been there for me. She does not deserve this treatment............


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Treatment? How are you treating her?

Yes, many insecurities stem from childhood. But often the way to handle them is behaviorally. That means figuring out what the healthy behavior is and then training yourself to behave that way. Do something for three weeks on a daily basis and it becomes habit. 

You can spend months, even years, on psychiatrist’s chair, or you can go to a behavioral therapist. Behavioral therapy usually goes for a few weeks and gets more tangible results. IMHO anyway.

Maybe you need to see an individual therapist.

Another way to do it is to get the books by David Viscott. Read through them, answer the questions on a tape recorder, play them back to yourself.. self-therapy. I used to love his radio show. But his books are good as well.


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## Fire&Ice (Feb 4, 2012)

I feel (and she agrees 95% of the time) that I treat her well. The more and more I think about it, it sure looks like a confidence/self esteem issue on my part. I work in a white collar profession, so I am always clean shaven, dress well, and overall (I feel) a good person to be around.

How I lost confidence in how I was able to snag such a great 'catch' and maintain a relationship over the years is beyond me. Sounds like I have some things to work on between the ears!


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## Fire&Ice (Feb 4, 2012)

Could some of the insecurity be caused by the way that she is treating me? By what she is doing or not doing??

Could my insecurity/confidence issues doom my marriage??


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Fire&Ice said:


> Bottom line, my wonderful wife has ALWAYS been there for me. * She does not deserve this treatment............*


What treatment? Are you mistreating her??

Also, what happened with your ex? Because it seems whatever happened there has caused you to feel the way you do now.


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## Fire&Ice (Feb 4, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> What treatment? Are you mistreating her??
> 
> Also, what happened with your ex? Because it seems whatever happened there has caused you to feel the way you do now.


I am not mistreating her other than throwing my insecure thoughts right in her face!!

And the last 'ex' I had was in high school........a LONG time ago............


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How is you sex drive these days? How old are you? 

Wondering if. You have a low hormone problem that happened recently
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

I gather you think you are overly suspicious and accuse your wife of things without much ground to stand on?

do u spy on her?

do you feel like she is being looked at by other men all the time?

do you get angry with yourself that you just arent in her league?

do you feel trapped in your negative imagination?

do u sometimes prefer masturbating to intercourse?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fire&Ice (Feb 4, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> How is you sex drive these days? How old are you?
> 
> Wondering if. You have a low hormone problem that happened recently
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am in my early 40's and my sex drive has ALWAYS been high.

I am getting my hormones treated now, but may be a little too late.........


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## Fire&Ice (Feb 4, 2012)

synthetic said:


> I gather you think you are overly suspicious and accuse your wife of things without much ground to stand on?
> 
> do u spy on her?
> 
> ...


I do not spy on her.

Yes, she is being looked at by other men all the time.

I have always felt that I am NOT in her league.

I do feel trapped in my negative imagination.

I definitely prefer intercourse!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I suggest you find a good counselor. A good one can teach you how to control your negative thoughts.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yeah you need to get therapy to deal with your insecurity. Stop throwing your insecurities in her face. If you keep it up, it may make her want to run away from you eventually. Women like confident men.


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## wpr209 (Feb 8, 2012)

Well, I'm going to come at this from the opposite direction. My wife has terrible insecurity, which I've been dealing with for 10 years.

If you want to make your spouse happy, find a way to quit doing this. That's about my best advice. Find techniques/therapy/etc. to minimize the anxiety you have and the exposure you give to your partner. I'm completely worn out by it myself, and have found myself at wits end....

hence the reason why i'm on this forum.


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## Fire&Ice (Feb 4, 2012)

Honestly, I hit rock bottom yesterday and was feeling absolutely worthless, both as a man and as a husband! Took some council from a good friend of mine and hopefully things will be truning in a possitive direction!! I am hoping (crossed fingers) that this is the last episode!! I am truly tired of showing this side of myself to my wife!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Fire&Ice said:


> I am in my early 40's and my sex drive has ALWAYS been high.
> 
> I am getting my hormones treated now, but may be a little too late.........


Why is it maybe a little too late?

If your sex drive has always been high, that would imply that you do not have low hormones.


Have you gone to see someone to determine if you are depressed or have other issues that could be treated?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Fire&Ice said:


> I am hoping (crossed fingers) that this is the last episode!!


Not to be a negative ninny but unless you DO something to fix this HOPING it just goes away isn't a very good plan. I say this because I've suffered from insecurities for a good many years. It takes therapy and hard work to overcome insecurities and negative thoughts.

So will this be your last episode? No. You haven't done a single thing to fix it.


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## you and me (Feb 9, 2012)

I feel the same way in my marriage as well. I always have the constant feeling that things are going way to good and something bad has to happen. I live in consatnt fear and worry- mostly caused by bad dreams of him leaving me or cheating. I have them frequently and usually end up actually crying while asleep.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You need therapy, dude.

Stop getting down on yourself. You first must believe in yourself.

Now I sound like Yoda!


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

you and me said:


> I feel the same way in my marriage as well. I always have the constant feeling that things are going way to good and something bad has to happen. I live in consatnt fear and worry- mostly caused by bad dreams of him leaving me or cheating. I have them frequently and usually end up actually crying while asleep.


Before telling you to seek professional help, I can give you a suggestion:

Practice (not try) to live in the moment instead of the future or the past. I have learned that worrying about the future deprives me of living life in the present.

I tried for so long to not think about the future, but that didn't help. What I learned was that trying to distract my mind from the future was only fooling myself. Instead, I started living in the moment and taking pleasure in life's little things. I'm still practicing, but I've already noticed that I simply don't care about the dooms day as much as I used to. I know for a fact that on dooms day (when supposedly something very "bad" is going to happen, but I don't know what!), there will be daylight, oxygen, mountains, puppies, babies, hot women, my sex drive, desire to love and beer 

That should be enough for at least one more day of happiness!


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