# Husband not wanting "us" anymore....what to do, so confused???



## Pinkk (Nov 23, 2012)

Hello. So I have been with my husband for 7 years. We have 3 children together and I just found out i am pregnant again. The last few days he has been telling me...again...how he doesn't think I love him and show him enough affection and that I pull away a lot. Plus that I think he doesnt do anything around the house and i am always saying stuff to him..blah blah. He didnt know if he wanted to be with me. Which came as a shock cause he has always loved me and has always wanted to be with me. He said he was done last night and would move out. I didnt know what to think. I told him we can try counseling and he said how is that going to help you. He doesnt even want to try!! I say how can you give up on our marriage and he said he has been doing this for years and he is happy spending time with me and loves me but cant handle me never wanting to be cuddled with him or acting like I love him. I can tell him a million times i love him but he acts like he dont believe it!! My whole life I have never been a touchy feel type of person and with kids now and school, i just am so busy and stressed that i dont always want touched. I dont know what to do. I feel betrayed in a way. We have children and i have another coming. If i had to deal with being alone i could...eventually but i KNOW this is not what he wants. Finally at 330am last night i told him i would of never thought he didnt want me anymore and that i would try to do things differently if he does as well. He said he has always wanted me but cant deal with it anymore and He said he "guesses" we can try but he doesnt think anything will change. Does that sound like lost hope or should we really try to make it work?


----------



## A++ (May 21, 2012)

Pinkk said:


> he has always loved me and has always wanted to be with me.





> The last few days he has been telling me...*again*


imho, he only gave up with you because he probably confirmed that you
didn't love and respect him the way he loved and respected you.


----------



## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Pinkk said:


> Hello. So I have been with my husband for 7 years. We have 3 children together and I just found out i am pregnant again. The last few days he has been telling me...again...how he doesn't think I love him and show him enough affection and that I pull away a lot. Plus that I think he doesnt do anything around the house and i am always saying stuff to him..blah blah. He didnt know if he wanted to be with me. Which came as a shock cause he has always loved me and has always wanted to be with me. He said he was done last night and would move out. I didnt know what to think. I told him we can try counseling and he said how is that going to help you. He doesnt even want to try!! I say how can you give up on our marriage and he said he has been doing this for years and he is happy spending time with me and loves me but cant handle me never wanting to be cuddled with him or acting like I love him. I can tell him a million times i love him but he acts like he dont believe it!! My whole life I have never been a touchy feel type of person and with kids now and school, i just am so busy and stressed that i dont always want touched. I dont know what to do. I feel betrayed in a way. We have children and i have another coming. If i had to deal with being alone i could...eventually but i KNOW this is not what he wants. Finally at 330am last night i told him i would of never thought he didnt want me anymore and that i would try to do things differently if he does as well. He said he has always wanted me but cant deal with it anymore and He said he "guesses" we can try but he doesnt think anything will change. Does that sound like lost hope or should we really try to make it work?


You will need to decide. He is pretty clear on what he is asking. 

You can either spend 10 seconds a day responding favorably to hug from him (rather than pushing him away) or you can live as a single mother with 4 kids.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Make it work.

His love language is probably physical touch.

Touch him.


----------



## LiamN (Nov 5, 2012)

This is a classic case of communication mismatch and it's very easy to fix! The fact is, each of us prefers one of three ways to communicate and take in information - and that includes feelings of love. It's either through what we SEE, what we HEAR of what we TOUCH. Your husband is obviously in the last category, and if you want him to feel loved you simply must touch him! This is very different to the way YOU feel loved (and there is no way that is any better - they are just different) which is why you feel uncomfortable touching.
Now that you understand this, make a conscious effort to touch him. I often suggest to couples they carry a timer (or alarm on their watch) to go off every hour to remind them to do something in their spouse's language.
If you start doing this you will be AMAZED at what a difference it will make. Your husband will start to really feel loved by you. You'll then find he will be more responsive to the way you like to feel loved (which I would suggest is in the way he talks and what he says - in other words the sounds.)
You will have to develop some new habits and put in some effort to consciously remember to touch him but the results will be worth it. Go for it!


----------



## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Make it work.
> 
> His love language is probably physical touch.
> 
> Touch him.


:iagree: I did this to my H as well. I am not touchy feely & it really takes effort for me to 
a. Stop in the middle of my busyness & respond to a hug from my H
and
b. Occasionally initiate a hug with my H.

The thing is, if you are not meeting this basic need of his, he will stop meeting your basic needs (whatever they may be) & then you get in a vicious circle that can end badly.
You need to step up & make an effort to give your H the affection he craves. I know it is hard when you have lots of little kids & you are being poked & pulled all day long. I know it is hard when you probably feel like crap from being pregnant. I know this because I have been there. It caused me a great deal of grief & hardship when my H found another woman who was affectionate to him.
Now in our case, we did get back together, but I still have only learnt recently how important physical affection (hugs, touching, etc) are to my H. In the end, being a wife has to be a priority, the kids grow up, leave home & if you want your marriage to still be around after this, you need to put the effort in.
Just try it, you might be surprised.


----------



## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

The responses are suggesting "The 5 Love Languages". This is very good counsel. Your husband told you his needs, and that he needs you to help him meet his needs. You are not affectionate gratuitously, but your DH needs to to be. When you don't act upon his needs you are directly telling his subconscious, "Your needs are not important to me". If that was the message you want to send you should do nothing different. Read on if you want to change this pattern:

Have someone watch the kids for a few hours, and have a quiet meal at home. Afterwards, pull this website up on the computer and work with your DH to discover more about your needs: 

Home | The 5 Love Languages®

After you complete your profiles, pull your DH very close and tell him what you feel for him, and then tell him that meeting his needs is very important to you. Then show him how you will meet his needs. Most men cannot resist this tenderness, he will respond. It will some time to break this pattern in his mind, you need to be patient and above all, genuine. Kindest Regards-

(this is only a suggestion ... the sequence is: quiet time together, work to gain understanding, emotional bonding)


----------



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Bejesus!

Give the guy a cuddle and a hug, already! Right when he gets home!

Wtf! 30 seconds of your day!

If your children were coughing and sneezing with the chills, you wouldn't think twice about jumping in the car, going to the hospital, and spending the next 4 hours of your life sitting in a waiting room to ensure your kids were ok.

So....in perspective....is that 30 seconds a day where you cuddle your husband so bad? Cuz your relationship is sick, girl......and you are the healer. He told you what he needs. Time to be a nurse.

I'm thinking this is actually about sex. Most guys relate sex to feeling loved. Think about it. You desire him so much that you want to please him and get his rocks off. What guy would not be into that! Too most guys, that translates to desire and a feeling of being loved.

So, be the nurse! Heal your man. 

Or, don't. And wonder why he's got no desire for you and decides to consider the affair world.


----------



## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

I responded to this thread by mistake. I think the OP is long gone.


----------

