# Why is he not sorry?



## specialplace (Aug 18, 2012)

I have been posting in the Going Through Divorce forum, but it's time that I came here for some advice. I have been married for 17 years. My husband cheated on me ten years ago. We went through counseling and he promised that I would never be put through that pain again. Guess what? I'm going through it again. Approximately a year ago, he started to distance himself from me and I felt that he might be seeing someone that he works with. I asked him repeatedly and he denied it every time. Six months ago, he gave me the I love you, but I'm not in love with you speech and he moved out. This past weekend, I received a call from the other woman apologizing to me for the pain that she caused me. I confronted my husband and he said it doesn't matter because we are separated and getting a divorce. All I want is an apology from him for the pain that he has put me through yet again and he refuses to discuss it or apologize. How can he not feel sorry for hurting me?!?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I suspect he is not sorry. I also suspect that in his mind you are history so why apologize. 

How can he not feel sorry for hurting you? Maybe in his mind you were the problem and believe me you were not the problem, this is not your fault.

Don't expect an apology. Get that in your head. He will more than likely never apologize. And stop trying to make him behave like you would. You can't control what he says or does.

You can control your feelings that want an apology from him. You can do that. Work on it, accept it, and move on.

If he died right after he left you for this woman, you would not have gotten an apology. He died, move on to the next thing. Let it go.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Because that would mean he has to face the fact that he broke his word to you. He doesn't want to consider himself a liar and by apologizing to you, he has to admit his faults. He won't do that. He refuses to deal with the guilt of being a skanky man*****. 

His pride is worth more to him, than you are.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Perhaps because an apology would entail taking responsibility for his actions and showing remorse. He obviously doesn't feel any so doesn't feel the need to apologize.

I'm sorry for your pain, OP, but I would concentrate on healing and moving forward, rather than extracting an apology from someone who has no wish to offer one.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Let him go.

Nothing good can come from holding onto such a POS.

Do it for yourself, your future and your sanity.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

I am sorry for the hurt you are feeling. He is not apologizing because this time its different. He made that promise ten years ago because he believed in your marriage. He wanted the relationship to work.

But it seems like he wants to move on alone. He is not feeling remorse for this.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Sorry. He is a pile of [poo]. You wont be getting an apology.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

specialplace said:


> All I want is an apology from him for the pain that he has put me through yet again and he refuses to discuss it or apologize. How can he not feel sorry for hurting me?!?


Because he no longer cares about you, respects you, or has any feelings for you. To him you're nothing more than another person who happens to be on the same planet as him.

He's moved on, I suggest you do the same rather than wondering what's going on inside his head and waiting for an apology that will never come and even if it did would be meaningless.

Your story is a classic example of why reconciliation following cheating is often an exercise in futility.

Once a cheater...


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, but I will echo what others have said - move on. There's nothing left for you with him.


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> Because that would mean he has to face the fact that he broke his word to you. He doesn't want to consider himself a liar and by apologizing to you, he has to admit his faults. He won't do that. He refuses to deal with the guilt of being a skanky man*****.
> 
> His pride is worth more to him, than you are.


:iagree: He won't apologize to you anytime soon. In fact, he would probably start blaming YOU for everything he's done to YOU. That's what my ex is doing. He won't face the reality of cheating and breaking up two families. I'm so sorry you're going through this. We're here for you.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Why OW did apologize? Of course they were at it way before the ILYBAINILWY. She knows she's a homewrecker. Did he cheat on her?


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Don't hold your breath, just move on and don't take him back.

Acabado, not all OW/OM are POS people. Some are lied to and when they find out, most of the time they ditch the WS. If I wanted to, I could easily start another relationship with some woman and keep the secret that I was married from her easily.

Why am I gone so much, my work schedule has me traveling. Unless she works with me, there is no way she's going to know I'm blowing smoke up her behind.


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

Im sorry for what you are going thru. Trust me, an apology doesn't always help the way you think it will. 

My husband cried as he held me in his arms telling me how sorry he is that he hurt me and how he wishes he could change the way he feels, but has yet to do anything to try to change it. We now live apart and his apology doesn't make me feel any better.


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

Wow, tough room. You guys are harsh today. Lol cut her a break, she's hurting.

Some can't apologize because they can't face what they did. If you know you hurt someone that did nothing but love you, it's hard to face and most want to act like it never happened. Maybe he's angry and taking it out on you, who knows but I highly doubt it's because he's SO over you like some here have replied. Shame, disgrace, guilt seems more likely the case.

Men walk over women who let them (I have a serial cheater but I am pretty realistic about my relationship now). He probably knows you won't take him back so he gets nothing out of it......and shame/guilt. I hope you heal quickly.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

He's in divorce mode now. His lawyer is helping him to be in an adversarial frame of mind, so he's not getting any encouragement to be soft in any way when he deals with you. He's hardened his heart, and he's all about HIM now (has been, since he started the affair). Even if he was sorry in some tiny corner of that hard heart, he wouldn't let YOU know it. Please try to stop wishing for an apology that you will not get from him because wanting it and not getting it will only add to your pain.


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

My hunch is that he never connected to you emotionally. Think of your conversations with him over the years, did he ever reveal himself to you in a deep personal way?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He's not sorry because few cheaters truly are. Yes, there are some who are. The others? No. He's in that category.

I know this is difficult for you but he's moved on. I hope you can move on as well.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

why should he apologize to you - it's all your fault 

admit it, you made him do it


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## outNabout (Mar 2, 2013)

It can be hard to fathom, but some people don't appear to have the capacity for remorse. They see other people as objects they can use to their own satisfaction. Think back to your years together. How often was he able to apoligize? How much did he show remorse in the past? You may start to realize that this is nothing new for this guy? Just guessing here... what do you think?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

My ex husband never apologized to me for his affair. We have been divorced nearly 2 years now. While I still have days where I wish he would say he was sorry, I have come to accept the hard truth that he will never be sorry as he does not see what he did as being wrong.

If there ever was a way for me to give to him ALL the suffering he put me through, I'd do it in a second.


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## Granny7 (Feb 2, 2013)

asia said:


> Wow, tough room. You guys are harsh today. Lol cut her a break, she's hurting.
> 
> Some can't apologize because they can't face what they did. If you know you hurt someone that did nothing but love you, it's hard to face and most want to act like it never happened. Maybe he's angry and taking it out on you, who knows but I highly doubt it's because he's SO over you like some here have replied. Shame, disgrace, guilt seems more likely the case.
> 
> Men walk over women who let them (I have a serial cheater but I am pretty realistic about my relationship now). He probably knows you won't take him back so he gets nothing out of it......and shame/guilt. I hope you heal quickly.


Asia,
I agree with you, people are being insensitive to special place. Even if he is a jerk, which he is, she is hurting and didn't expect this to happen again. No matter what kind of ass==l he is, he could have the common decency to say, "He wishes he hadn't hurt her." He's not going to, but doesn't anyone understand she is hurting? Mine has cheated once, 28 yrs. ago and he hasn't since then. Unfortunately, I never addressed it fully, he wasn't remorseful and now 28 yrs. later I'm faced with PTSD. I feel like it happened yesterday and I wonder now if their is anything left to save. I'm looking at it fully and can't get the picture of them out of my head. So, I'm going through hell right now for the past year or so. I understand her pain.
Blessings & Hugs,
Granny7


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## specialplace (Aug 18, 2012)

Thanks for giving me some things to think about. I do believe that he never really did say he was sorry very often for things and even then maybe it wasn't sincere. 

Maybe the apology wouldn't make me feel better like I think it would. I guess, for me, it's just the point that I feel like how could he not *at least* do that for me. We have a child together and will have to continue to see each other and talk to each other. It's just so hard to move on after so many years together.


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## Granny7 (Feb 2, 2013)

specialplace said:


> Thanks for giving me some things to think about. I do believe that he never really did say he was sorry very often for things and even then maybe it wasn't sincere.
> 
> Maybe the apology wouldn't make me feel better like I think it would. I guess, for me, it's just the point that I feel like how could he not *at least* do that for me. We have a child together and will have to continue to see each other and talk to each other. It's just so hard to move on after so many years together.


specialplace,

He's not going to, just like mine didn't with a lot of meaning. Like everyone said, he doesn't care that he hurt you and I know that doesn't make you feel any better. Sometimes, just like my H, I don't think they are capable of deep feelings for anyone but themselves. I know you share a child together and that makes it harder when you are around them. I would just ignore him when that takes place and you're around him. I feel your pain and it's sad to go back and think that you married a "man" you could do this to you and even though I still am with mine (but I'm not happy) I look back on our life together and see so many things where he wasn't the man that I had put on that pedestal. All you can do now if go forward and realize that he's not going to say, "He's sorry" and understand that he doesn't have it in him to even feel! Focus on how special you are and try to find something that you love, even yourself to find some sort of happiness. It's not going to happen overnight, so don't be surprised.

Blessings, Granny7


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