# emotional & sexual neglect



## depressedwife77 (Jan 5, 2012)

We are going on our 7th wedding anniversary and I am wondering if ours are normal problems or if it's time to divorce. My husband never kisses me romantically (maybe a real french kiss once/ 3 mos). Otherwise it's only pecks. He also never wants to have sex (maybe every 2-4 wks if I don't initiate). This has been the case for several years. I stopped initiating due to too much rejection. I have asked over and over why no kissing and he says he does and it will get better. Sex is only a morning quickie. I have given up "begging" for night time making love with kissing...or even more frequent quickies! Secondly, any time I cry or talk about my feelings he either rolls his eyes, ignores me, or basically discounts my feelings calling me annoying. He swears he loves me and just ignores me when he's angry for me being angry or mean. I tell him that the only reason I get mad is when he ignores me! It's a cycle that I don't know how to break and I definitely don't feel loved or attractive to him. My self esteem was much higher before this marriage. If I can't be desired and cherished by him then I am wondering if I should leave the marriage. I am wondering if any of this is normal behavior for men? Am I crazy and expecting too much? We also have three children.

Thanks so much in advance for any help or ideas!


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## SecondTimesTheCharm (Dec 30, 2011)

Has there been any significant weight gain since you two met? Could he be bi or gay? Do you pull out all the stops with makeup, lingerie, perfume and candles? Could he be having an affair? Seems odd to me for a man to be so low drive, at least from my perspective. Was he like this early in the relationship? When did it change?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IronicSmile (Jan 5, 2012)

Some people just don't enjoy sex, have been dealing with this with my wife for 17 years. 

Sometimes I'm ok with it, sometimes it drives me crazy/miserable, either way she never changes.

Recommend marriage counseling to try and find a specific problem, but if not either accept it or decide to move on.


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## depressedwife77 (Jan 5, 2012)

No weight gain. I'm skinny, 36 and people consider me attractive. I've asked many times about being gay and that angers him. He had his testosterone checked and it was low, but normal when checked again. He just says he has a low sex drive and has no desire for anyone else. The problem is that he's not willing to try and change it for me so as of now I've just tried to accept it, but it is very hurtful. Yes, this started early on after dating. He always said things would get better, he'd exercise more, blah blah blah but nothing has changed. 

Thanks for your reply!


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## depressedwife77 (Jan 5, 2012)

Thank you. We haven't tried counseling. I feel like it shouldn't be this hard and I shouldn't have to go to counseling to make him want me. But you're probably right and I need to suck up my pride.


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## depressedwife77 (Jan 5, 2012)

Yes I have tried everything. I take care of myself in regards to my body and makeup. He's not interested in lingerie so I don't try anymore. He says he's attracted to me, just doesn't show it. Could he still be in love with me and not be interested in kissing or making love?


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## IronicSmile (Jan 5, 2012)

Well, I can sure relate about MC, we have discussed and she won't even consider. W is convinced there is absolutely nothing wrong with her and should just accommodate, if we didn't have kids I would have left long ago.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

depressedwife77 said:


> He had his testosterone checked and it was low, but normal when checked again.


I'd get this checked again and follow-up on it. You can have a reading in 'normal' range, but it can actually be very low for your age. So, if he has the level of a 75 or 80 year old man, and because it's in normal range, would you consider that acceptable? If it is low, that could account for a real lack of desire and can cause any number of other physical ailments.

Here's a list of things for you to consider that could be impacting his sex drive:

Solutions for Low Libido in Men

Best wishes.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Some people are just lazy I think, and don't want to put in the effort that sex involves. Even a quickie can get messy or sweaty... 

Either you accept life the way it is.... or you do what YOU can to change it.


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## depressedwife77 (Jan 5, 2012)

I've read about this: miss matched libidos and the articles said the marriage will eventially end. I can see how this would happen after years of rejection but am not ready to go there. I'm not a cheater either. I love him, but who knows what will happen once the children are grown. Guess I don't have answers...that's why I'm here asking total strangers about very personal things. Thank you again everyone for your input


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## depressedwife77 (Jan 5, 2012)

Well I can't change it without hurting my children or cheating so guess I'll just have to accept for now. But, my questions unanswered are: Is this normal for a man in a marriage? Could he really love me? Am I just being insecure or are these feelings normal with this kind of rejection?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

The first suggestion is that you get him engaged in meaningful discussion. He has to know that the discussion is important to you and he has to buy into being open with you. If you can get to that, find out if you are doing the right things the right way. You'll be asking him to tell you things you might not like hearing, so have a thick skin and think of it as constructive not as an insult.

There are a million possibilities. Perhaps he doesn't like your technique on something. Perhaps he doesn't get any pleasure out of the foreplay that you do, and he wants different foreplay. Maybe he doesn't like your grooming or hygiene.

Perhaps he is having some kind of issues which embarrass him. Maybe some performance anxiety or other sexual difficulties.

You two should have a frank open discussion about this.

Another possibility is that this is just who he is. Maybe he is just low sex drive. Maybe he really doesn't like to kiss. Maybe he is willing to do the morning quickie but has no interest at all in a more involved evening encounter. Maybe there is no medical or psychological problem to be corrected.

If this is who he is, it won't change. Then you have to decide if this relationship meets your needs. You have the right to define what your needs are and to decide if they are being met.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

To answer your specific question, no I don't think it is normal for a man to have so little interest in sex.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

My ex was similar.... once a week (and I was expected to go on about what a stud he was....). No kisses, no romance... I was ready, willing and able... and in my mind, neglected. I too accepted it... because I didn't know how to change it either. "Cherish" and "consideration" were not in his vocabulary. I figured it was his problem, as I'd tried everything I could think of. 

Eventually, I distanced myself.... emotionally for sure. I accepted the "once a week", and went on about my life, my job, my family... it was doable, but felt like something was missing. We had 5 kids and I really couldn't figure out how to AFFORD to leave. After 23 years, he walked out... "It's not you, it's me"... ya, whatever. But by then it really really did not matter. Except in a "REALLY? YOU are leaving ME?" kind of way!

I am now remarried to a sexy, sensual man who KNOWS what "cherish" and "consideration" and "sharing" and "lust" and "team" mean! And so much more. Ex walking out was the best thing that could have happened. 

Anyway... just wanted you to know that you aren't alone. It happens. I do think my ex was just too lazy to invest himself. Or he was missing a "giving" gene or something. I couldn't fix him tho, so I had to live my life the best way I could.


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## isitforreal (Jan 5, 2012)

I feel for you. I had a friend in the same senario and they ended up getting divorced and she is so much happier now. That said, they did not have kids so it made leaving him easier. Now I, on the other hand, do have 3 kids and stayed in a loveless marriage for 8 years. He wanted to have sex but I was disgusted by him (lost respect for him because of all his lying). Anyway, I stayed because of the kids and when my oldest as 6 I started to notice that he was picking up on the hostility and coldness, plus he NEVER saw us kiss or hug and started to ask why. Leaving and starting over was the BEST thing I ever did. Looking back, I wonder what the heck took me so long! (I was 35 years old.) My kids are happier to live without all the constant tension, and now their Dad and I are in separate, happy relationships, so the kids now see what a loving, happy couple should look like. The idea of divorce is hard when you're in your situation, but once you start making the steps, life gets better and better. Life is too short to be unhappy. You are still young and have a lot of great years left. There is a man out there that will love and adore you and put you first (and trust me the sex will be amazing).


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## Loveimage (Oct 7, 2011)

He sounds like he gets angry and avoids comforting you because he doesn't know why he has a low libido but he knows it upsets you. He sounds like he doesn't know how to deal with it, except tell you he loves you. I guess he thinks this reassures you enough. 

What is not very nice is when he rolls his eyes and isn't sympathetic to how you're feeling. Making love is very important so you can maintain the connection with each other. He can clearly see that this has always bothered you so why doesn't he make an effort? There must be a reason. You need to make him listen and get to the bottom of this, otherwise you have no choice but to leave. Life is too short to not feel attractive and loved. He should also be kissing you passionately if he really loves you. His actions don't seem to match his words. I can't really help you there because my partner says things but the way he acts really doesn't tie together sometimes!

Good luck.


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## SecondTimesTheCharm (Dec 30, 2011)

I have a strong aversion to the word "normal" but I will say that I think it is selfish and unloving of him not to give you the attention and affection you desire, providing you are loving and respectful towards him.
Personally, I start getting resentful when my wife of three years and I only have sex 3 days a week as opposed to 4-5 days a week. On days she is not in the mood for sex, I am more than happy with oral sex or even a handjob and, barring that, believe it or not, I would rather even just perform oral on her and bring her to climax than for there to be no sex, whatsoever.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Some people just have issues...I'm finding this out with my husband - we got married last September. He's always been lower drive than me - but now it's ridiculous. There's an excuse for every day of the week; in addition, he doesn't like to give oral; he loves porn, but our sex is sub-standard; like I said: ISSUES.

I could have written the original post myself. I'm living through the same thing, although I'm not sure I will last another 7 or 8 years. 

If you find the answer, let me know!


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

depressedwife77 said:


> We are going on our 7th wedding anniversary and I am wondering if ours are normal problems or if it's time to divorce. My husband never kisses me romantically (maybe a real french kiss once/ 3 mos). Otherwise it's only pecks. He also never wants to have sex (maybe every 2-4 wks if I don't initiate). This has been the case for several years. I stopped initiating due to too much rejection. I have asked over and over why no kissing and he says he does and it will get better. Sex is only a morning quickie. I have given up "begging" for night time making love with kissing...or even more frequent quickies! Secondly, any time I cry or talk about my feelings he either rolls his eyes, ignores me, or basically discounts my feelings calling me annoying. He swears he loves me and just ignores me when he's angry for me being angry or mean. I tell him that the only reason I get mad is when he ignores me! It's a cycle that I don't know how to break and I definitely don't feel loved or attractive to him. My self esteem was much higher before this marriage. If I can't be desired and cherished by him then I am wondering if I should leave the marriage. I am wondering if any of this is normal behavior for men? Am I crazy and expecting too much? We also have three children.
> 
> Thanks so much in advance for any help or ideas!


There are all kinds of things that could be going on here, but we will never find them out until communication improves. You are responsible for making your needs and feelings known to your husband. Giving up, detaching, feeling hurt and holding it in until you get angry is dysfunctional. You can't give up. If you want something, ask (nicely). If he says no, ask again later. If he ignores you, say "I feel like I'm being ignored and I don't like it". When he rolls his eyes say "I feel like I'm being treated disrespectfully when you roll your eyes." When he calls you annoying reply "it hurts me when you call me annoying and I don't like it". You only need a few script lines but you need to apply them consistently, each and every time you are hurt, ignored or turned down. This will settle your anger and give him something to think about. Try it for a week and write back to us


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## SecondTimesTheCharm (Dec 30, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> You are responsible for making your needs and feelings known to your husband. Giving up, detaching, feeling hurt and holding it in until you get angry is dysfunctional. You can't give up. If you want something, ask (nicely). If he says no, ask again later. If he ignores you, say "I feel like I'm being ignored and I don't like it". When he rolls his eyes say "I feel like I'm being treated disrespectfully when you roll your eyes." When he calls you annoying reply "it hurts me when you call me annoying and I don't like it". You only need a few script lines but you need to apply them consistently, each and every time you are hurt, ignored or turned down. This will settle your anger and give him something to think about. Try it for a week and write back to us


:iagree:

That is about the best thing I have ever read on here...I need to print this out and use these same techniques within my own marriage and would welcome my wife to apply them towards me, as well.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> There are all kinds of things that could be going on here, but we will never find them out until communication improves. You are responsible for making your needs and feelings known to your husband. Giving up, detaching, feeling hurt and holding it in until you get angry is dysfunctional. You can't give up. If you want something, ask (nicely). If he says no, ask again later. If he ignores you, say "I feel like I'm being ignored and I don't like it". When he rolls his eyes say "I feel like I'm being treated disrespectfully when you roll your eyes." When he calls you annoying reply "it hurts me when you call me annoying and I don't like it". You only need a few script lines but you need to apply them consistently, each and every time you are hurt, ignored or turned down. This will settle your anger and give him something to think about. Try it for a week and write back to us


This sounds great...on paper. I'd be interested to see if the OP tries it. I am no longer willing to ask for what I want out of the relationship - I get 'yes yes I know I know, things will improve' and then I wait...and wait...and wait...well, you get the idea!

Right now, I'm going to try and work on making myself happy; excercise, eat right, a few simple treats, etc. Things I had been neglecting that most certainly have contributed to the way I'm feeling today. Can't blame it all on the husband.


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## depressedwife77 (Jan 5, 2012)

We have had many many discussions. He really won't give me a reason. I've asked every possible question I can think of. The only thing is that I do have angry responses now. I have tried nice discussions, told him everything I need and why, tried waiting and being patient. So I guess I haven't tried just stating things nicely anymore because I am so resentful.


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## depressedwife77 (Jan 5, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> Some people just have issues...I'm finding this out with my husband - we got married last September. He's always been lower drive than me - but now it's ridiculous. There's an excuse for every day of the week; in addition, he doesn't like to give oral; he loves porn, but our sex is sub-standard; like I said: ISSUES.
> 
> I could have written the original post myself. I'm living through the same thing, although I'm not sure I will last another 7 or 8 years.
> 
> If you find the answer, let me know!


I would have to say that maybe the porn could be part of the problem in your relationship? I had an ex-boyfriend who I broke up with because of his porn addiction. I'm sorry you are having problems also. Good luck to you!


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## depressedwife77 (Jan 5, 2012)

Performance anxiety could be an issue since it's always very quick...but I tell him if he had more practice this would improve!


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## depressedwife77 (Jan 5, 2012)

Thank you all for your time and ideas.


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## RelationshipCoach (Nov 7, 2011)

Hi, 

I'm so sorry to hear about the struggles you are having with your husband. Honestly, it sounds like your husband has just stopped trying in the marriage and relationship. He doesn't want to do anything anymore to capture you. He knows that you are his wife and that's it. 

Another consideration may be depression. You may want to start noticing how he has been acting in other areas of his life to see if he shows any of those signs because that will lower his libido. 

I would be careful with some of the posts on here that are insinuating that you may be doing something or not doing something to make him not more emotional or sexually attracted to you. 

Marriage is a team. If he has a problem with something, it's up to him to say something about it. If he doesn't, that's his loss, not yours. You are not doing anything wrong and actually, you are doing more than most wives would do by trying to figure out what is truly going on with him. Others would look at him oddly, cheat, or divorce in a second to move on to someone else. 

But yes, if he doesn't have depression and he refuses to put his share of work into the marriage - then it's up to you to take care of yourself by seeking counseling to help you deal with the way he is acting. You can't change him but you can change the way you are responding to him. 

Good luck to you!
Relationship Repair Coach


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You havent really told us your Hs excuses. Is there something he doesnt like about you that is causing it.
Does he want you to 'change' something. And since you dont 'bother' he also wont.
Its not use 'forcing' him. Have you refused him in the past. Tell him youre always ready for him.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Hormones play a HUGE role in sex drive.... My husband was LOW Normal - but normal -he was 45 when he was tested (I drug him there when he couldn't keep up with my new found raging sex drive) ....the Encronologist scrared the daylights out of me when she said his levels were NORMAL for a 60 year old man. There is a grey area between 300 - 500 --that for SOME Men, depending on how high their levels were in their ealier years ,that could accually warrent Treatment. IN my husband's case, I believe his numbers were always on the lower end, he did not need treatment, we are doing fine. But some men DO need real treatment within that Grey area. 

His only wanting sex once every 2-4 weeks and if he is NOT masterbaiting, this sounds unusally low. 

He might need treatment as you said it was LOW the 1st time tested-do you mean BELOW the normal range? The Problme with these Doctors is -we trust what they say -without getting the results in our own hands. I always get results sent directly from the Lab and I question things. WHat I have learned is ...a majority of DOCs look at Numbers and NOT symptoms, it is a grave mistake.

When did this start happening - you said several yrs & been married for 7 yrs..... how old is he? Does he also fall asleep after work, tired all the time, kinda depressed? Is he enthusiastic about anything? Does he have ed , does he wake with morning erections? 

Here is another thread on this issue >> 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/19213-dealing-low-testosterone-hypogonadism.html


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## lovemybabies (Oct 4, 2011)

oh honey, I'm in the same place, have been for years....12 years married and 20 years together....it doesn't change!! sorry to tell you.


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## Toxicgoober (Jan 6, 2012)

It's normal to him, but you are obviously a different person. I have the same trouble with my wife. I am like you. I wish that before you commit to people you could just get an outline of who they're going to be in several years so you could decide if that is how you want to live your life. I sure wish I had some advice for you, but I don't have the answers either. I just wanted you to know you're not alone, and there are people like you in the world, just as there are people like him and my wife. The problem is mismatching the two. Good luck to you.


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## posternutbag (Jan 6, 2012)

Gaia makes a "male libido" herbal concoction. I have taken this, along with pure maca root. It is great. I don't lack drive, if anything, I can never get enough. I take it so that I can last longer. I felt bad for my wife that I wasn't quite bringing her to the finish line. So maca root and a new rabbit vibe solved that. 

Anyway, get him the maca/male libido from gaia. Make him take it religiously for a month, it should work. If nothing then, then he is gay. I don't know any guys that wouldn't kill to have sex with their wife multiple times per week.


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## posternutbag (Jan 6, 2012)

lovemybabies said:


> oh honey, I'm in the same place, have been for years....12 years married and 20 years together....it doesn't change!! sorry to tell you.


I just can't believe there are MEN that don't want sex. They are either cheating or gay. As a man, this is the strangest concept in the world. My wife is afraid to kiss or hug me because she is always worried that it will lead to sex. I don't get it.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

depressedwife77 said:


> I would have to say that maybe the porn could be part of the problem in your relationship? I had an ex-boyfriend who I broke up with because of his porn addiction. I'm sorry you are having problems also. Good luck to you!


Oh definitely...porn in itself is not my problem; but he would sneak and lie about it, and I have a huge problem with being lied to. And there were other lies; and all the other things I listed previously, as well. We're in a vicious cycle right now. Just last night, I tried again to express my concern; we're losing our connection. He got angry. So damned if I do, and damned if I don't. Guess I'll stick to the original plan of taking care of myself, and hope that neither of us ever gets sucked into infidelity...Because that would be the end for us, there's no way I'd be able to go on with him.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

posternutbag said:


> I just can't believe there are MEN that don't want sex. *They are either cheating or gay.* As a man, this is the strangest concept in the world. My wife is afraid to kiss or hug me because she is always worried that it will lead to sex. I don't get it.


This is a ridiculous statement; there are any number of reasons for men not wanting sex. Cheating or gay can definitley be one or both of those reasons; I'd say gay being the more rare of the two...read up a little; there are many causes of low libido in men. It's a myth that it;s always the woman who doesn't want sex.


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## lovemybabies (Oct 4, 2011)

posternutbag said:


> I just can't believe there are MEN that don't want sex. They are either cheating or gay. As a man, this is the strangest concept in the world. My wife is afraid to kiss or hug me because she is always worried that it will lead to sex. I don't get it.


I'd say neither here, and testosterone is fine. He can't give me an answer why amd is doing nothing to fix it. I would love to have someone that would want me, naturally, no talks or ultimatums or anything but that just isn't so.


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## CWM0842 (Dec 8, 2011)

While it's probably less common for the man to be the disinterested party, the situation in general is pretty typical. You could put me in your place and my wife in your husband's and the thread would still be 100% accurate and make perfect sense. I too got the, "it'll get better, just let me get past X, or figure out Y, then things will go back to normal." I'm still waiting, but I'm not that old yet and not ready to call it quits.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

CWM0842 said:


> While it's probably less common for the man to be the disinterested party, the situation in general is pretty typical. You could put me in your place and my wife in your husband's and the thread would still be 100% accurate and make perfect sense. I too got the, "it'll get better, just let me get past X, or figure out Y, then things will go back to normal." I'm still waiting, but I'm not that old yet and not ready to call it quits.


I don't know...sitting around with half a dozen girlfriends one night and a bottle of wine, and we ALL had the same complaint. Women age ranging from 30 to 45, men from 30 to almost 50...

Maybe there's something wrong with the water in YUL.


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## CWM0842 (Dec 8, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> I don't know...sitting around with half a dozen girlfriends one night and a bottle of wine, and we ALL had the same complaint. Women age ranging from 30 to 45, men from 30 to almost 50...
> 
> Maybe there's something wrong with the water in YUL.



Well let me know you live and I'll move there with her.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

CWM0842 said:


> Well let me know you live and I'll move there with her.


I live in Montreal. I wonder if this is why some people get into swapping? To even things out...

:rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## CWM0842 (Dec 8, 2011)

Ha the two low-sex spouses wouldn't even have sex if that were the case. And based on my one trip to Montreal, I would be shocked if you couldn't find sex there.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

CWM0842 said:


> Ha the two low-sex spouses wouldn't even have sex if that were the case. And based on my one trip to Montreal, I would be shocked if you couldn't find sex there.


And they wouldn't CARE! Ha ha!

Yes - the city of love...if you are single great!


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## depressedwife77 (Jan 5, 2012)

He's 35. I think the levels were 300-500 range but not sure. He knew how to interpret the results because he's in the medical profession. He did say they were low and bought weights and had a plan to exercise to boost it, but never took any medication. Also never followed through with the exercise, but we are pretty active. He could be depressed, but doesn't sit still. He very well knows I am always ready and that I would like any form of physical touch from him. Maybe he's afraid the kissing will lead to sex too! This past year I have had sexual dreams about other men (this hasn't happened before). I'm trying to answer all of the questions in the replies...he says he's not gay, cheating, and doesn't masterbate. Thanks for the ideas...probably should get the testosterone checked again. But that still doesn't explain all of the ignoring and disregard for my feelings. Maybe we're just a bad match. From what you all are saying, it doesn't look like this is going to change. And yes, I too wish someone would want me without me begging for attention. I sure got a lot of attention and compliments when I was single.


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## depressedwife77 (Jan 5, 2012)

He actually read all of these posts last night and didn't speak a word to me about it afterwards.


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## CWM0842 (Dec 8, 2011)

You showed them to him or he just found the thread?


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## depressedwife77 (Jan 5, 2012)

I was reading it and walked away from the screen for a minute. He came home, walked over there, and I said don't read that it's my stuff. He said, "is this you? I want to read it." So I guess I could've exited out if I really didn't want him to read it. Yesterday we had sex, but it was me who initiated the physical contact and of course there was no kissing. Then we spent the day with the kids. We have been arguing a lot lately and he's been ignoring me, so after we sorta made up I thought maybe he'd ask me out on a date. Don't know why I would think this since I am always the one who asks him to take me out on a date (then I become upset when it doesn't end with a kiss and sex). He told me he was watching football last night and plans to join a soccer league this evening. Soooo, I used the technique in this post and told him nicely that it hurts my feelings that fixing our marriage doesn't seem like a priority, and that I had hoped he would take me out on a date this weekend. It worked to not start an argument but not to change his plans. He just said I never let him have any fun, which isn't true. I told him if he had taken me out on a date the night before or made plans for one, and I felt I was a priority, I wouldn't care about him watching football. The problem is that he takes the laptop to bed to look at sports every night rather than giving me any attention. So to him, he had sex with me so thinks I am just always complaining and never happy. We just don't see eye to eye.


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## RelationshipCoach (Nov 7, 2011)

You're not happy in this marriage and he doesn't care to make you happy. You can ask him to go to marriage counseling to help resolve the issues in the marriage. If he disagrees, you can go to individual counseling to help settle some of your feelings concerning his inattention to you. However, if you are constantly looking for more from him that he isn't prepared to deliver, it may be time to discuss the future of the marriage. 
~Relationship Coach


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Depressed wife, I bet your Love Languages are off too, You are probably a woman who has Quality Time & Physical Touch at the top of your list (I am the same) and your husband does NOT, so getting him to give you what you are craving is a striving against the wind. As I mentioned on here, my husband is Lower drive (in comparison to many men) but Physical Touch & "Time" are his Primary Love languages, which has been a huge blessing, as it comes very naturally for us to want to give in these ways.

Have you ever read the Love Languages Book , are you familar with what yours are, what his are ? I did a thread on this topic, book link and tests to take ... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-languages-how-does-affect-your-marraige.html

I am very sorry for what you are going through, I too, would suggest marraige counseling . If he refuses, I would seriously consider separating, sometimes only the Drastic catches their attention, which is a damn shame, but the reality many times. 

Life is too short to be miserable in a marrage where one partner has no care to "fix" and heal what is hurting so bad and causng the other excrusiating pain, the breaking of your spirit even. Life is too short.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Depressed wife, I bet your Love Languages are off too, You are probably a woman who has Quality Time & Physical Touch at the top of your list (I am the same) and your husband does NOT, so getting him to give you what you are craving is a striving against the wind. As I mentioned on here, my husband is Lower drive (in comparison to many men) but Physical Touch & "Time" are his Primary Love languages, which has been a huge blessing, as it comes very naturally for us to want to give in these ways.
> 
> Have you ever read the Love Languages Book , are you familar with what yours are, what his are ? I did a thread on this topic, book link and tests to take ... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-languages-how-does-affect-your-marraige.html
> 
> ...


i agree with this, sometimes it does take something drastic to get a man to notice what is going on.
damn, we can be so hard headed sometimes.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Because I've always adhered to a weight resistance routine, in addition to the cardio side, guys tend to bring up weightlifting often when I meet new people. Mostly, I've always stuck to it because I knew that I had a mild muscle disease for years before it was diagnosed. Working out has a more dramatic effect on me than others.

Anyway, in the past ten years, I've encouraged quite a few guys to start up a moderate weight resistance program that focuses on the large muscle groups. I recommend doing it with a combination approach for cardio effect. Oddly, most of the guys change pretty noticeably after a couple of months. Maybe its the higher testosterone, because some studies show an improvement, assuming you don't overtrain. But let me make it simple: Most guys begin feeling more powerful, confident, and much more aware of the sexual beauty of their wives. A little encouragement from you, in compliments, might go a long way. I'm not talking about small changes. Some of these friends who have adopted a real lifestyle change let it slip from time to time that it really impacts there sex drive, as long as they don't overtrain. 

So, if your husband says that he really wants to fix this, and he keeps saying it, maybe its time to tell him to put his money where his mouth is and finally begin trying a few objective things that might actually help.

Outside of the testosterone advantage, this focus on the physical side of our lives gives a guy a completely different approach to life. Other people who don't focus on health often get stuck in a routine of job, computer time, TV time, and sleep. If he's more aware if his physical health, I think he will be more aware of you, too.


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## StuckinMarriageCMC (Oct 21, 2015)

To depressedwife77,

It will be 4 years since this post. Not even sure if you have email associated with this blog any longer. I am a man in the same boat but for many more years. It is torture and I do NOT know what is wrong with me that I get through it month after month and year upon year. 
Your Answer - NO, IT IS NOT NORMAL. I have read on this for many years and again NO IT IS NOT NORMAL.
Our spouses are what we refer to as refusers. It is an act of control and they need to control. They are not necessarily mean but actually cannot even understand the pain we, the refused, are experiencing.
If I knew just a little bit about his upbringing, I could likely nail the root of the issue for you. It is not likely to change however.

StuckinMarriage_CMc


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