# My wife is text flirting-Should I be ok with it?



## Confusedguy17 (Mar 29, 2020)

My wife and I have been married for 17 years. During our marriage she has never had many friends and we always went out or did things together. She has also recently lost over 50 lbs which has improved her confidence and self esteem. 

In September her office where she works started a renovation. She has recently become friendly with one of the construction workers there to the point where last week they exchanged phone numbers and are now texting each other. She told me about this guy back in September when this started and how they would talk at work, how he went through a divorce and seemed like a nice guy. They talk, she admits they flirt but says it boosts her ego. Again, she told me about this right when it started happening and as far as I know has been open and honest about everything. At no time at all did she ever come home late from work or go out with anyone. We've been having more sex than we ever did before because she says that flirting with this guy and having him pay attention to her gives her more self confidence and boosts her ego. 

Now I think the texting is becoming a bit much. Its happening every day, even on the weekends. We're laying in bed together at 9:30 or 10pm and he starts sending messages like hey, I'm up. What are you doing? I tried telling her I think the texts are inappropriate and she needs to let him know. However now shes accusing me of being controlling and not wanting her to have any friends. She has admitted they flirt but says it's a game, that nothing else will ever happen and that she loves me. I'm just having a very hard time with that. 

What do I do?


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Confusedguy17 said:


> My wife and I have been married for 17 years. During our marriage she has never had many friends and we always went out or did things together. She has also recently lost over 50 lbs which has improved her confidence and self esteem.
> 
> In September her office where she works started a renovation. She has recently become friendly with one of the construction workers there to the point where last week they exchanged phone numbers and are now texting each other. She told me about this guy back in September when this started and how they would talk at work, how he went through a divorce and seemed like a nice guy. They talk, she admits they flirt but says it boosts her ego. Again, she told me about this right when it started happening and as far as I know has been open and honest about everything. At no time at all did she ever come home late from work or go out with anyone. We've been having more sex than we ever did before because she says that flirting with this guy and having him pay attention to her gives her more self confidence and boosts her ego.
> 
> ...


You should have stopped it when it began. Do you still boost her ego? She's already emotionally attached to this guy. You're having more sex than ever because she's thinking about him. It's not that you don't want her to have friends, you don't want her to have a boyfriend. 

Put your foot down fast and firm...she deletes his number and cuts him off completely.....or you file.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

You have to understand, these things just don't go away. It will increase and I also agree she's thinks of stud muffin. Have you always been a man who stands to the side and let's things roll off you back?

Marriage is compromise, but the is the beginning of the end. Why because she's in charge and is having this emotion affair, and your on the sidelines watching. It stops today or it won't and you will be posting in the getting divorce fourm. She's taken to this man and is fully in because he's local it will turn physical and it will go underground. Justification and conpartmentalize's is what CHEATERS do.

You not thinking if it's not physical then it not cheating WRONG! It is and she likes it . If you did this with a hottie, what would she think. Yep that's right the same.


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## Music_Man (Feb 25, 2017)

Friend, your wife is deep into an emotional affair. You're actually aiding it along by telling yourself things like "she's never been home late" or "our sex life is better now" which is just rationalizing things away. Don't become a member of the "there's just no way that MY wife would fall into an affair" club. I was once a member, as were countless others on these forums. 

As said above- put your foot down and demand that she end this NOW. Have her send a no contact message and block this guys number. Demand access to her phone. Run Fonelab- today! Google it. It works. 

Find out if other things are going on- pictures, sexting, plans or even a desire to meet up. 

She's in deep and already hitting you with the "you don't trust me?" nonsense. But you can take control. You need to- today.

You're going to get some good advice on this forum. Heed the warnings and take action.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Not sure where to begin on this. You started this out all wrong. When she first came to you and said she exchanged numbers with some construction worker. You should have completely shut it down at that point. I am a pretty level headed normal dude I think for the most part...but from time to time I have opinions that some may not like. One of those opinions is, if you're going to be with me, you pretty much can't make any new male friends. I mean...like ever. I'll let you keep the ones you already have (yep, I used the word let), but there is never a good reason for a new guy to come sniffing around. 

Perhaps this sounds harsh or controlling on my part, but I really am fine with all those "friends", that have been acquired in childhood, high school, college, work, even ex-boyfriends that have moved on etc. I just don't like new ones. Because most of the attractive females I know have a lot of friends that were guys that were simply friend zoned but wanted more. I'd go a step further and say that while I don't think all of us men are shallow, I often wonder how many of these so called male "friends". Would be hanging around liking every social media post, and texting constantly if a woman was a 3 or 4, instead of a 7 or an 8. I hope this doesn't come off as Red Pilly, simply my observation.

As for the OP, I think you need to put a stop to this. If she won't stop than you know where you stand.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

controlling is what WW say when their husband wants them to stop
their inappropriate friendships.

your WW is having an EA, emotional affair. it must end now.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Are you okay with it?

If so, then carry on. But if it were me, I don't think I could stand to see myself in the mirror while allowing it to continue. 

If you aren't okay with it, tell her flirty contact with other men stops right now...forever...if she wants to remain married to you.

However, if she isn't willing to stop, you will permanently set her free to flirt with whomever she wants.

Don't make this more complicated than it needs to be. She either wants to be with you and ONLY you, or she doesn't. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

No. She should not be doing this.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

From a guy that’s tried to be OK with such things... you are playing a very dangerous game.
The sex you’re having? It’s not you that is turning her on. It’s him.
The confidence she’s having? It’s not you instilling it in her. It’s him.
She’s already texting him... while in bed with you.
”Wife, this has gone on long enough. I’m glad you’re happy and confident, but this has gone too far. It is disrespecting your marriage and disrespecting me, so I’m asking you to stop it.”
Don’t argue about it. Don’t respond to accusations of being controlling. Don’t police her. Just say your peace and be done with it. 
If she won’t stop, consider doing what she does. That’s really the only way my wife ‘got it.’ Because if it’s OK for her, it’s OK for you.
Right?


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Be honest with yourself and aware of how damaging this has become to your relationship because she sounds as if she is already falling in love with him however unmindful.

That little voice of doubt is there for a reason... listen to it and ground yourself.

I agree with @Marduk... you are being substituted for in many ways.

She is not your's to keep or lose, she is her's to respect your marriage and her promises given. 

If she cannot do that, then your boundaries must be firm and as clear as your outcomes, your choices are the only thing you can control.

There is no fence-sitting here, your actions must follow your words... you are already on the "Plan-B" road in too many ways... do not confuse your self-worth with hers.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

September is six months ago. They have become attached emotionally. Y'all both need to do some reading on Emotional Affairs. Read about limerence. Many folks do not understand the slippery slope. 

He is divorced and needy. She is newly in good shape and needy for attention. Needy plus needy equals danger. She should let him find his new life in a place away from her. Nothing good will come from their alliance. Likely she will be defensive about this and you will have to set firm boundaries immediately. The divorce rate for those who have lost significant weight is high.

Listen to the guys here! She would not like you acting like this. They are developing intimacy and connection that should be saved for marriage.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

What do you do? You kick her out of bed and tell her to go text her boyfriend from the couch which is where she'll be sleeping from now on. 

Even if her so-called friend were a woman, texting someone at that time of night is rude. She needs to get her priorities straight.

There is only one reason this guy is being ultra friendly and it isn't because she is so knowledgeable about construction. It's sad that your wife wants to come off as naive at her age.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Confused guy.....you are not confused or you would not be posting here. Stop this nonsense now. This is how PAs start sir. It would not surprise me if it has not already gone physical


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

As a woman I'd expect that my guy would NOT be ok with this and would actually think less of him if he was.

Shutting it down tells your woman that you value her. A guy who is ok with another dude sniffing around sends the message that he doesn't value her enough to care.

I am not talking about couples that have an arrangement involving others, but clearly you don't have such an arrangement.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> What do you do? You kick her out of bed and tell her to go text her boyfriend from the couch which is where she'll be sleeping from now on.
> 
> Even if her so-called friend were a woman, texting someone at that time of night is rude. She needs to get her priorities straight.
> 
> There is only one reason this guy is being ultra friendly and it isn't because she is so knowledgeable about construction. It's sad that your wife wants to come off as naive at her age.


Right? It's insulting to one's intelligence for her to pretend she doesn't know what's going on.

I told my ex to save his ******** for someone who buys it. That is applicable here as well.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Do you have kids?

Regardless, I wouldn't have let this get started.

I would have divorce papers drawn up after getting advice from an attorney and researching what it would entail financially.

I would immediately stop sharing a bed with her and start separating everything possible from finances to social interaction.

I would also inform close family and friends as to the impending divorce and the reason.

I'm not very understanding that way about my wife having a boyfriend.

I would probably also have a man to man with butt breath and ask him if he was ready for me to move all her stuff to his place?

I never have to worry about this nonsense however because I'm exclusively monogamous and territorial.

You sir are not.

You might want to be but you haven't established yourself.

If you had, you would never find yourself in this situation.

Your wife has no respect for you and doesn't see you as strong or even effective.

She sees those traits in Mr. Construction worker.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

Your wife's losing weight was a red flag. She was doing this to become more attractive to other men. This EA may be the reason she lost weight in the first place. It may have already become physical. You cannot count the number of times that we have heard of online emotional affairs destroying marriages, in fact it is one of the highest red flags there are!!

You need to take action now! Here are some actions you should take immediately:

*1.) Visit a lawyer.* Find out what your rights are.

*2.) In order to save your marriage, you have to be willing to lose it.* You must set a tone with her. You need to become strong. You should consider this for what it is, an affair. You have to be willing to walk and she has to *believe* it.

*3.) You should demand all passwords to emails, texts and phones.* Demand complete transparency. There is no privacy in a marriage accept using the bathroom. If she refuses, she is hiding the affair.

*4.) You sound like a nice guy.* Nice guys finish last. Here is a link to "No More Mr. Nice Guy" PDF file. Its free as a PDF. Download and read it! No More Mr. Nice Guy! - PDF Free Download

*5.) Do not do the pick-me-dance!* Do not beg her. Do not try to reason with her. Do not cry in front of her. This only makes you appear weak in her eyes compared to Mr. Wonderful Stud-muffin. You must learn the "180" technique and do it religiously. Heres a link: The 180 for Hurt Spouses

*6.) Get ready to expose the affair to work, family, & friends.* Nothing breaks up an affair faster. Find out his name and check out the divorce claim, as these are often false. if he is married, contact his wife about what he is doing.

*7.) If you want to know the real truth, you may need to get her to take a polygraph.

8.) People are drawn to confident, strong, courageous people who take decisive action.* Work on yourself to become that man.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Blondilocks said:


> What do you do? You kick her out of bed and tell her to go text her boyfriend from the couch which is where she'll be sleeping from now on.
> 
> Even if her so-called friend were a woman, texting someone at that time of night is rude. She needs to get her priorities straight.
> 
> There is only one reason this guy is being ultra friendly and it isn't because she is so knowledgeable about construction. It's sad that your wife wants to come off as naive at her age.


Passivity has no place in a husband to his wife. End of story!


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Marduk said:


> If she won’t stop, consider doing what she does. That’s really the only way my wife ‘got it.’ Because if it’s OK for her, it’s OK for you.
> Right?


Yeah....I wasn't going to say this, Because I generally don't advise tit for tat. With that said, when I first got out of my marriage. My first girlfriend was "insensitive" to my feelings about her male "friends". I am not the type to get all angry about it. I just made sure that I had "plans", for the next week or so. And I actually did make plans to hang out with ex-mistresses that I had when I was married, back then I was still friends with quite a few of them when I started dating her, and to them a separated me was better than a married me. After I showed I had other priorities, I noticed her facebook friend list dropped a bunch of fellas overnight, I also noticed the guy besties slowly started dissapearing. Some because her attitude changed, and others because they realized they were wasting their time. I never specifically asked for any of that. I just watched it unfold as a result of changes I made in my attitude about how I was going to approach it. In a situation like this you simply have to be ready to say them or me, and be perfectly fine with the outcome either way.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> My first girlfriend was "insensitive" to my feelings about her male "friends".





ReformedHubby said:


> And I actually did make plans to hang out with ex-mistresses that I had when I was married,


 Do you have any idea how hypocritical this sounds?


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## mickybill (Nov 29, 2016)

Obviously this is an issue or you would not be here. The first red flag is when your wife traded phone numbers with an allegedly single man to talk to while in bed with you. And you said it was fine. Dude!
If she says and you believe that everything is on the up and up and there are no shenanigans ask to see her phone. Now. If she hands it over you can look for the texts and any photos that they have exchanged, if she balks or refuses then you know that she is hiding something and protecting him at the expense of your marriage. Also look for big gaps in the time stamps or nonsensical one sided messages indicating deletions

This is very serious my friend...going home late means nothing they could meet for lunch or for coffee or a quickie.Not trying to be crude just honest.

"Divorced" construction worker wife lost 50 lbs and looking for validation...it ain;t original but its dangerous.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> Do you have any idea how hypocritical this sounds?


Yes, I do. All I can say is I am a different man now than I was back then. The whole first girlfriend thing after my marriage ended story should really be a whole new thread on TAM. All I can say is those first two years or so after my marriage ended were basically just me wondering in the wilderness, and yes the man I am today would not be proud of many of the decisions that man made.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Sometimes ultimatums are good. This would be one of those times. Do Not Back Down. Insist she end it now.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Experience shows texting is a slippery slope leading to an affair. 

Studies show that texting triggers the same emotional responses as face to face contact. Think of the OM being in the room (or bedroom, diner table, etc) with her while she's texting. Consequently, people can bond emotionally within a week. 

Texting is also addictive. Texting triggers the same 'feel good' receptors in the brain as coke. Every time she gets a text she's experiencing a 'high' that (in her mind) she can only get from the OM.

Mentally she's associating the 'high' with the OM. The OM could be a total looser but she'll blind herself to 'who' he is in order to keep that high going.

At some point in order to keep the texting (attention from the OM) going she will have to offer or agree to sex. 

Every spouse has a right to feel safe from infidelity. Her texting with the OM fails. 

Approach her as if she is an addict (she is). It will take strong measures to get her clean.

In order to take you seriously, whe must believe (bluff if necessary) that you will divorce rather than tolerate the texting. Insist on zero texting with men and 100% transparency on her cell phone.

Once they contaminated their 'friendship' with sexual or romantic texts there's no going back to just friends.
Therefore, zero texting or contact with the OM.

Finally, you both should read the book : "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Where's Waldo?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Should have stopped the day your wife said she was digging the attention. Further, why is your wife not digging attention from you? 

The texting stops today. Let her know. Then require your wife to book some IC and find out why she felt is was ok to text flirt. 

Time to re-access your marriage because it is heading in a very bad direction.


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## Music_Man (Feb 25, 2017)

sunsetmist said:


> September is six months ago. They have become attached emotionally. Y'all both need to do some reading on Emotional Affairs. Read about limerence. Many folks do not understand the slippery slope.
> 
> He is divorced and needy. She is newly in good shape and needy for attention. Needy plus needy equals danger. She should let him find his new life in a place away from her. Nothing good will come from their alliance. Likely she will be defensive about this and you will have to set firm boundaries immediately. The divorce rate for those who have lost significant weight is high.
> 
> Listen to the guys here! She would not like you acting like this. They are developing intimacy and connection that should be saved for marriage.


Your first paragraph says something that absolutely cannot be ignored by the OP- this thing has been going on for about 7 months now. It's likely that it's moving perilously close to a PA if it isn't there already.

OP- You had better move on this NOW! She's into this deeply. An EA that has gone on this long will be difficult to break, but not impossible if you're willing to make some tough choices and take control. 

You've gotten the advice you need. It's in your court now.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

She is in denial, and getting out of that will take A LONG TIME... My issue started back in 2017. This last year was the first totally "good" year since I found all about "emotional affairs".... She turned around when others noticed(female). And I started getting propositions and tons of interest. Also, wife had weight gain and suddenly, the CADs all but disappeared. lol Damage was still done though...And I only have 4 more years till the kids are older...I still think about my marriage as an enlistment period, and not the orginal contract that we took so long ago....


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Confused Guy, how is it going?


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## Music_Man (Feb 25, 2017)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> Confused Guy, how is it going?


I hope he's away 'taking care of business'. So many of these folks don't hear what they want to hear, or they don't hear the version of the truth as they see it, then they cut and run. Hope that's not the case.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Music_Man said:


> I hope he's away 'taking care of business'. So many of these folks don't hear what they want to hear, or they don't hear the version of the truth as they see it, then they cut and run. Hope that's not the case.


Well, he is not the first to run off when they do not hear what they want to hear. I hope you and Mrs. MM are doing well.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Absolutely NOT. 

You strongly express your offense, tell her you consider this borderline cheating, it is to stop immediately and if not your relationship may be in danger. You want her to delete this guy out of her phone.
Show that you are absolutely aghast and disgusted that she would ever do this type of behavior with another man.
You've got to mean it too. Not just act tough. If this is a boundary for you than you have to enforce it. 

Now, I know some couples are ok with doing this....if so then they will not be bothered by it...since you are on a marriage advice board asking what to do...it seems as though you are NOT ok with it. 
I wouldn't be either. 

You have to have clear boundaries and you have to enforce them. 
If she (instead of apologizing and expressing remorse for not realizing it would hurt you and doesn't agree to let you check her phone) fights you on this and tries to pull the "I have rights", the "basically I can do whatever I want and tough if you don't like it (basically act as if she is still single and looking for male suitors) then you have to be willing to enforce this boundary and start moving towards a separation. 

Either a spouse puts the marriage first and shuns things that divide you both, avoids things that spark worry, resentment and breaks your intimacy or they put their own self serving wants first. 
Trust, intimacy, bondedness....vs. attention and ego boost from men that are not her husband. 

I do not know your personality. This requires someone strong and who will boldly set their personal marriage boundary, enforce it and not waver...it can't even be up for discussion. 
Her privately texting and flirting with a man that isn't her husband should not and cannot stand. 

Don't wait around either, you've got to immediately show your hurt and disapproval over this and shock and disappointment that she'd ever think this was appropriate and not hurt her marriage.


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## Music_Man (Feb 25, 2017)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> Well, he is not the first to run off when they do not hear what they want to hear. I hope you and Mrs. MM are doing well.


Won't hijack the thread, will post an update in a new thread when I have time. But things are well here.

To the OP- give us an update when you can. Many of us just want to make sure you are okay. A lot of us have stood where you stand now and know that you have a fighting chance. 

The window is closing though- time is of the essence.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Wouldn't it be funny if you sent her a flirty text, and when she replies, reply back ''oops, I meant that for someone else.''

Kidding, not kidding. I don't know. lol

I don't like the comment that this is somehow your fault. We never tell this advice to women, but I always see at least one comment directed to betrayed male spouses that suggest if only he had swooned his wife a bit more, she wouldn't be screwing the gardner. Right. 

Your wife needs to stop, and you should simply ask her to stop, not demand it...just ask it. But, I'd say, that this is making me unhappy...and if it continues, we should separate. She needs to see consequences to her behaviors. If she sees none, she'll keep you as the paycheck and the guy as her lover. 

Good luck with this. Sad how a pandemic isn't making people treat their spouses better, but some are more self absorbed than ever before.


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## scaredlion (Mar 4, 2017)

Ask her if it's alright with her if you start texting with a woman you recently met who strokes your ego and makes you feel good about yourself. Her answer will speak volumes. I do wish you well.


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## Laura1992 (Mar 30, 2020)

Omg, I completely understand what your going through!! 

You need to nip it in the bud now, you need to explain exactly how it's making you feel to your wife and that your not happy about it.
There is only so much you can do though it's got to be down to your wife aswell, shes got to want to stop talking to him.

My marriage has just ended because of this exact reason.

Good luck 17 years is a hell of a long time to throw away xx


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## Buffer (Dec 17, 2019)

Confused yes it is wrong, like advised, get her out of bed and she can text from the other bedroom or couch. She is in a EA, lost weight and is lapping up the attention. If the roles were reversed she would be totally against it.
one day at a time
Buffer


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Music_Man said:


> I hope he's away 'taking care of business'. So many of these folks don't hear what they want to hear, or they don't hear the version of the truth as they see it, then they cut and run. Hope that's not the case.


Personally I have a little problem getting serious with the threads where some long married cat is standing on the railroad tracks asking what to do when a bright light and an loud air horn is coming at him.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

One Eighty said:


> Wow. This is so much like my story. Maybe you can learn from my tragedy.
> 
> My now ex-wife never kept her phone from me. I later found out that she told her affair partner that I had full access to it and not to text her anything to give away their secret unless she was already responding, so that she could erase the texts that needed to be erased. So I never saw anything that made me able to be sure she was cheating. I did suspect something was up with this “friend” but I was ignoring the facts in front of my face. Oh, and we were having more sex than ever too. Same reason, the texts from the OM made her horny.
> 
> ...


Yikes. 
That is awful. 
So, were you the father or him?
What happened...other than the divorce of course?


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

VladDracul said:


> Personally I have a little problem getting serious with the threads where some long married cat is standing on the railroad tracks asking what to do when a bright light and an loud air horn is coming at him.


Ha, ha....no comment. I did reply to this thread, but not exactly sure if its real.


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## mickybill (Nov 29, 2016)

I think confused guy is done or laying low. Come back if you need to. Good luck.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

One day wonder.


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## WolfRaven (Mar 28, 2020)

Confusedguy17 said:


> My wife and I have been married for 17 years. During our marriage she has never had many friends and we always went out or did things together. She has also recently lost over 50 lbs which has improved her confidence and self esteem.
> 
> In September her office where she works started a renovation. She has recently become friendly with one of the construction workers there to the point where last week they exchanged phone numbers and are now texting each other. She told me about this guy back in September when this started and how they would talk at work, how he went through a divorce and seemed like a nice guy. They talk, she admits they flirt but says it boosts her ego. Again, she told me about this right when it started happening and as far as I know has been open and honest about everything. At no time at all did she ever come home late from work or go out with anyone. We've been having more sex than we ever did before because she says that flirting with this guy and having him pay attention to her gives her more self confidence and boosts her ego.
> 
> ...


Put a stop to it now before it turns into divorce like mine is right now. She started with just texting and then it progressed from there because I allowed it and trusted her.
Stop it while you may be able to.


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## discern (Jan 1, 2013)

First of all, sorry that this is happening to you. It's happened to me as well. I'm now divorced and happily remarried. 

1. She's emotionally manipulating you. This is not right in a healthy relationship.

2. I'm sure the same phenomenon occurs in other areas of the relationship.

3. It's called covert aggression - read it up.

4. If she's unwilling to change, you have to make tough decisions.

Good luck.

D


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*She's letting her new persona/appearance override the traditional marital vow boundaries ~ of course you should be concerned!

Or put an end to it by personal ultimatum or over in a good family attorney's office!*


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## Music_Man (Feb 25, 2017)

@Confusedguy17 

This only works if you join in the dialogue. I hope you can see that folks are genuinely concerned and are trying to help.

Hope you're okay and are putting things into action.


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## darkdays (Jul 31, 2013)

Confusedguy17 said:


> My wife and I have been married for 17 years. During our marriage she has never had many friends and we always went out or did things together. She has also recently lost over 50 lbs which has improved her confidence and self esteem.
> 
> In September her office where she works started a renovation. She has recently become friendly with one of the construction workers there to the point where last week they exchanged phone numbers and are now texting each other. She told me about this guy back in September when this started and how they would talk at work, how he went through a divorce and seemed like a nice guy. They talk, she admits they flirt but says it boosts her ego. Again, she told me about this right when it started happening and as far as I know has been open and honest about everything. At no time at all did she ever come home late from work or go out with anyone. We've been having more sex than we ever did before because she says that flirting with this guy and having him pay attention to her gives her more self confidence and boosts her ego.
> 
> ...




Dude the reason she is having more sex is becuase you are the dildo and the guy is the one she is having sex with in her mind. She lost weight to look good for the guy not you. Hopefully nothing happened but if it didnt you need to put your foot down. Tell her no and confront the guy if needed. Make them know it's not ok. Right now she is in the fantasy phase but it's becoming real.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Waldo??


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## Rah (Jun 19, 2010)

Dump her. She's already gone.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Rubix Cubed said:


> One day wonder.


People come here for help not to provide us with entertainment.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> People come here for help not to provide us with entertainment.


 Yeah, no kidding and he isn't getting much help not coming back after his first and only post is he? I think it should ALWAYS be pointed out who the drive-bys are so no one continues to waste their time for someone who isn't here. 
You seem to have a hair-trigger for locking down threads, here's your chance.


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## iSquirrel (Aug 18, 2011)

manwithnoname said:


> You should have stopped it when it began. Do you still boost her ego? She's already emotionally attached to this guy. You're having more sex than ever because she's thinking about him. It's not that you don't want her to have friends, you don't want her to have a boyfriend.
> 
> Put your foot down fast and firm...she deletes his number and cuts him off completely.....or you file.


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## iSquirrel (Aug 18, 2011)

Ummm that’s a little bit harsh and it screams insecurity. Oh you’re going to tell someone to file just because they’re texting someone else? How about TRUST? How about ROMANCE? How about this: you do you and we’ll try to help this nice man keep his marriage alive with the help of some decent advice; instead that of that weak and insecure man-speak. SMH


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## iSquirrel (Aug 18, 2011)

This thread is so confusing that idk who I’m replying to anymore. But I will say this: If your wife is texting another guy, she is surely looking for the attention, the validation and the fact that she’s still sexually attractive to men. After 17 years of marriage, things can get a bit routine and/or boring (I should know), so what you need to do is to BE the man who finds her attractive, valid and sexually attractive. Giving ultimatums, threatening a relationship or simply just being jealous serves no one in this, and any of those wasteful traits are sure to be the beginning of the end for your marriage. Just trust her with this and at the same time play that game where you’re beating that text-guy out every time. Remember, she’s coming home to you and she isn’t coming home late. But if you don’t act TODAY, she may start to. Avoid all of this by gently talking to her. Don’t be jealous. Fix what you probably broke in the first place. Are you making her feel wanted? Sexy? Worthy? Special? Number one? As women, we need to feel all of these things. Marriage is work, so just do the work. You’ll be so thankful in the end. And please don’t listen to the so-called weak and jealous men on this thread who act like they’re in high school, as they are no help. You might also try some counseling if you feel things aren’t turning to your advantage. Start by giving her flowers or cooking a nice dinner tonight, or offering her a cup of tea or glass of wine. Tiny little gestures like this go a very long way. Good luck. It will be great you’ll see.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The one thing everyone should learn. In these situations the “pick me dance” and trying to nice them back just lowers your status and makes the other guy look stronger/better.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

iSquirrel said:


> Start by giving her flowers or cooking a nice dinner tonight, or offering her a cup of tea or glass of wine. Tiny little gestures like this go a very long way. Good luck. It will be great you’ll see.


 WOW! 

You have been here 9 years and you still see fit to reward a lying cheater and then victim blame the betrayed spouse. SMDH
Maybe this dead thread can have some benefit after all if it can save even one 'pick me, the betrayed husband is always at fault, rug sweeper'.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

iSquirrel said:


> Remember, she’s coming home to you and she isn’t coming home late.


All I can say is back in the day, lunch hours, vacant offices, and phony doctor appointments worked out well.


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## Buffer (Dec 17, 2019)

She needs to get a grip on reality. 
buffer


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

iSquirrel said:


> And please don’t listen to the so-called weak and jealous men on this thread who act like they’re in high school, as they are no help.


I'll speak for myself. I'm not weak. I'm strong enough to stand by my convictions and I have them. I can also hoist my wife with one arm.😁

As for jealousy...... What exactly am I jealous of now if you don't mind elaboration?

Jealous of spineless men with faithless tarts for wives?

Why exactly would I be envious of such a disgusting situation?

Maybe you can enlighten a man like me, who doesn't tolerate disloyalty and requires commitment, integrity, love and respect from my mate and I give it as well.

Jump in any time oh purveyor of ****/wimp wisdom.

Tell a man like me how much more successful in life and marriage that kissing a faithless woman's ass would make me.

I'm still married to the only woman that ever broke through my walls and she is still safe in my arms. We will soon be into our 30th year. She despises weakness BTW. I do treat her very nicely but she has earned it by being a grown ass woman who knows who her damn husband is.

We have two sons and three grandchildren. Both my sons work and support their women and families.

I'm actually quite happy with the amount of success my family has been blessed with.

Could you tell me how it would have been better if I had been married to a faithless woman and bent over backwards kissing her tush?


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> I'll speak for myself. I'm not weak. I'm strong enough to stand by my convictions and I have them. I can also hoist my wife with one arm.😁
> 
> As for jealousy...... What exactly am I jealous of now if you don't mind elaboration?
> 
> ...


*Here, Here!*
I can't like this enough.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

My ex wife was sexting and sending pics and videos to various men the last 4 months of our marriage. After 2 months of this behavior, (which I didn’t know about), she wanted a divorce.
Out of the blue, she told me I must be getting old because I couldn’t keep up anymore. I told her no problem, I could still keep up. We had sex every single night, up until the day I had to tell her to gtfo (although it killed me to say it).

please don’t allow yourself you think that good sex means your wife has feelings for you.

as stated, it’s clearly not you she’s thinking about, when you’re in bed with your wife and she’s texting another man.

advice: texting other men stops. If not, whether you like it or not, you’ll be divorced soon. Likely going to happen anyway, but the only chance you have is that your wife sees that you won’t take this, and that you are a man that can be fine without her.


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## 102none (May 15, 2020)

manwithnoname said:


> You should have stopped it when it began. Do you still boost her ego? She's already emotionally attached to this guy. You're having more sex than ever because she's thinking about him. It's not that you don't want her to have friends, you don't want her to have a boyfriend.
> 
> Put your foot down fast and firm...she deletes his number and cuts him off completely.....or you file.


Recently, My husband had an increased sex drive and we were having sex daily but in a way that he couldn't see my face. it hit me yesterday when he was leaving me and I shouted you were thinking about her. yuck yuck yuck. 

I agree with "put your foot down fast and firm."


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Confusedguy17, she's gaslighting you. It's an EA and will soon become a PA.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Confusedguy17 said:


> . They talk, she admits they flirt but says it boosts her ego. Again, she told me about this right when it started happening and as far as I know has been open and honest about everything. ... she says that flirting with this guy and having him pay attention to her gives her more self confidence and boosts her ego.
> 
> ... She has admitted they flirt but says it's a game, that nothing else will ever happen and that she loves me. I'm just having a very hard time with that.
> 
> What do I do?


I've always been appalled by spouses who admit they're flirting with someone else ...just for the sake of ego boost. I don't know what to call it. At the very least it sounds disturbing!
Sure, we all get the ego boost when people try to flirt with us, especially when we're already taken...but to go as far as openly talking about with your spouse (as if you're talking and joking with your girlfriends....? ) ..

More than her wanting to be open and honest with you, I'd say she was being shallow and stupid. ....and you let it happen and was NOT able to stop it.

If the construction guy was in your shoes, I'm sure you wouldn't hear from her ever again. But you're not him and what she sees in him, doesn't see in you.... because to her, you're just a weak man now.

You're there only for her sexual release while she thinks about him when having sex with you.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

As long as she thinks you won't (for any reason) divorce her, the flirting will continue.

Every spouse has a right to feel safe from infidelity. Your wife's behavior is a big fail. He behavior is not only disrespectful - but it's mean spirited. 

If she refuses to make you feel safe (100% NC) then you have to decide to suck it up for the rest of your life or divorce her. 

Your wife is on a slippery slope. She basically has to chose her marriage vs the OM. Since she's sexualized the friendship (sexually oriented texts), the consequence is that they can no longer be just friends. She must go 100% NC. 
Anything less and each subsequent contact with the OM (even seeing him driving down the street) keeps the EA alive in her head - and keeps her on the slippery slope to adultery (and you feeling unsafe). 

At a minimum she (and you) should read the book: Not Just Friends by Dr Shirley Glass

It's based on research of couples that experienced infidelity and identifies behavior that exposed the marriage to a high risk of cheating.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

Drop a flirter, gain a life.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Zombie Cat has determined that this zombie thread must be put to bed.


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