# Husband unhappy, but says it isnt me.



## FeelingLost28 (Jun 9, 2012)

We have been married for almost 3 years and a few days ago he told me that he wasnt happy, and hasnt been for a while. He assures me that it's nothing i have done, couldve done, or didnt do. He said ive been the perfect wife and doesnt understand why he feels the way he feels. He said at times when we hug or kiss that it feels as if im some other woman other than his wife. And that he feels that he cant be the man i need. We are now sleeping in separate room, he wont hug me, kiss me, or tell me he loves me. It's like i dont have a husband anymore and i have some new roommate walking around who eats my food. we are starting counseling in a few days and i really hope it helps get to the root of his unhappiness, because i know happiness comes from within ones self. so i dont know how much help i can be through all of this except to be supportive and be prepared for whatever happens. I love him with all of my heart and would do anything to fix this, but i dont know what to do and this distance is killing me. I can say that he isnt happy at work in the slightest bit and i think that part of the problem stems from that, he says it doesnt but subconsciously i think it is. all in all i am just lost. how can i just sit back and see what happens? what can i do to help? we both want to fix this, we just dont know how.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Not a lot to go on here. The usual suspects would be cheating, sexual neglect/rejection, sexual boredom, maybe plain ole depression. I wish you luck, it can't be an easy thing to deal with.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I would say to ignore any words he says and only listen to his actions. He's saying it's nothing, he's just simply unhappy. That can't really be true. For whatever reason he doesn't want to say what the issue is. Not uncommon.


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## Peachy Cat (Apr 15, 2012)

See how the counseling goes; the fact that he's willing to go may be a sign that he still wants the marriage to work.

If he ditches counseling, I'd say he's already checked out of the marriage and I'd start looking for signs of an EA/Pa.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

I was thinking along the same lines of the above, has your sex life changed? Do you think he could be cheating? I would ask him?
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## FeelingLost28 (Jun 9, 2012)

Before a few days ago, sex wasnt an issue. We were very intimate. And as far as cheating, i know he would never do that to me. He would leave before that ever occurred. plain ole depression, could be. He's not giving me many answers other than he's just not happy. We talk about it but it's always the same answer.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

How old is he? Mid life?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

"It's not you, it's me" means it's you. At least in his mind. He's just not comfortable telling you the reason.

I'm so sorry. I do think you should confront him a little more.


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## FeelingLost28 (Jun 9, 2012)

I think he just needs to work on himself. He has never just been his own person. Maybe he just needs to find himself and what it is thats going to make him happy.

At first he didnt want to go to counseling. then, out of the blue he decided to go with it. i know he wants to work on things. we still love each other, there is not hostility whatsoever. that's what make it hard for me.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Go to counseling you will find more from him then. He may not feel comfortable talking about it more now. What changed sexually suddenly?
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## FeelingLost28 (Jun 9, 2012)

if it was me he would tell me, believe me, he is brutely honest with me, sometimes to the point of hurting my feelings. 

we are young. we married at 19 when i got out of basic training. i am now 22 and he is 23. both military. we started dating out of high school and joined together.


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## FeelingLost28 (Jun 9, 2012)

and as far as what changed sexually so suddenly...sleeping in separate rooms and no type of physical contact for three days poses as a bit of a problem.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Well marrying young and 'missing out' can be an issue. So can just being in the military. Deployment issues etc... Or if you guys are getting out soon there could be transition anxiety. I'm just speculating here.


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## FeelingLost28 (Jun 9, 2012)

i understand your speculations. and yes, i do feel at times that i did miss out on some things, especially being so young. and we are planning on retiring from the military so we have a ways to go. neither one of us have deployed yet. i dont know what problems he is having within himself, im just hoping they can be surfaced though the counseling.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Is he happy with his job? I went through the " I should be so much more" phase. Took me a while to realize being a father and provider was enough.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I think if you can get him talking about what he has always felt was his purpose in life, and what he is/isn't doing with that, you'll get a pretty good idea of what the deeper issue is.


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## FeelingLost28 (Jun 9, 2012)

he absolutely hates his job, every aspect of it, from what he does to the people he works with. he started out doing special forces and loved the heck out of it, but we were apart for a year and a half through his training and it was too much for the both of us at the time, seeing as we had just got married and had to be apart. he then requested to be reclassed into a different job and now hates it and wants to go back to his previous job. i still feel guilty for him changing jobs because i was so unhappy and he felt he needed to quit to salvage our marriage. he said he has never resented me for it, but im not so sure. i htink if he could just go back to doing what he loves he would have a change of heart and be happy.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

FeelingLost28 said:


> i think if he could just go back to doing what he loves he would have a change of heart and be happy.


Tell him this.


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## FeelingLost28 (Jun 9, 2012)

joe kidd said:


> Tell him this.


Thanks! i will definitely try this tonight. i think that is he feels adequate at work, he will feel adequate at home. although he doesnt feel that way, im almost positive thats the biggest issue.


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## jenniferswe (Apr 23, 2012)

It sounds like he has clinical depression.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

FeelingLost28 said:


> he absolutely hates his job, every aspect of it, from what he does to the people he works with. he started out doing special forces and loved the heck out of it, but we were apart for a year and a half through his training and it was too much for the both of us at the time, seeing as we had just got married and had to be apart. he then requested to be reclassed into a different job and now hates it and wants to go back to his previous job. i still feel guilty for him changing jobs because i was so unhappy and he felt he needed to quit to salvage our marriage. he said he has never resented me for it, but im not so sure. i htink if he could just go back to doing what he loves he would have a change of heart and be happy.


I'd say you're getting near the problem here.

He's approaching the age that my husband was when he went through a serious breakdown. Lots of people I know did, it's the time when you realize you're probably not going to be a rockstar/movie star/famous author/Olympic athlete, and you'd better adjust those expectations downwards.

Encourage the counseling and try to help him find work he's happier with. Be as sweet as you can with him, even if he's not being very lovable. My husband credits me with getting him through that bad time, and here we are, still going strong 15 years later.
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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

FeelingLost28 said:


> he absolutely hates his job, every aspect of it, from what he does to the people he works with. he started out doing special forces and loved the heck out of it, but we were apart for a year and a half through his training and it was too much for the both of us at the time, seeing as we had just got married and had to be apart. he then requested to be reclassed into a different job and now hates it and wants to go back to his previous job*. i still feel guilty for him changing jobs because i was so unhappy and he felt he needed to quit to salvage our marriage*. he said he has never resented me for it, but im not so sure. i htink if he could just go back to doing what he loves he would have a change of heart and be happy.


Did you ask him to change jobs?


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## notsosure (Jun 10, 2012)

Not sure if my answer will have any weight, but ill try.
He has come to a stage where he is questioning his "status". Why am i here for? Am I happy? Whats missing?? He probably feels comfortably numb in his current surroundings, and does not seem to have much stimulation or adventure in whatever he is doing. He is searching for something more, but does not know what it is.
I would suggest, try tapping into what he likes, possibly going on a holiday, joining some clubs of interest to both of you and break away from the boredom. try being more spontaneous and full of suprises.
if this doesnt work, well the problem will seem to be a lot deeper and you will need to get to the root of it.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Phenix70 said:


> Did you ask him to change jobs?


This is tricky in the military! He got reclassified once. Another request could reflect badly on him and would likely be denied. 

Lost, when is he due to get out of the military? Does he plan to reenlist?


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

i can relate to that often life makes little sense to me too......lol. Best of luck!!
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