# Wife unfaithful for 3 years



## racerx7445 (Sep 3, 2012)

Been reading through this site for a couple weeks now. I have found a lot of good information here. So I decided to post my situation.

Been married 14 years. We have 4 children together. Wife and I began our marriage as a result of a pregnancy. I was living overseas and met her there. It was also there that she got knocked up after we had only dated for a couple of turbulent months. We fought like cats and dogs in this 2 months, more than I had fought in my last 2 relationships that lasted over 5 years. It was very bizarre.

Soon after, we married and returned to the states. She had never been here before and did not speak a lick of English. I was fluent in her language so communication was not a problem.

We grew on each other though and after a rough 2 years to start we fell in love with each other. We continued on and had 3 more kids. Our marriage was never an easy one. She is latin and firey! The drama she brings I think is part a cultural thing and part her being a little nuts. 

Right around 6 years ago, right about when our last child was being born, we went through some tough times financially. It was set off by me having some severe back problems. It took about 4-5 years to crash and burn and come back from it. These were hard times on both of us. We lost our business, our house, and I my health.

About 3 years ago, we moved to a larger city and I opened a new business. All of that was tough to start but with my experience it was certain to give us back the future we wanted. It also put her in a larger city which she likes. My health was back and we were trucking forward!

She immediately met a girl from her country and they became best friends. A few girls nights out and she was in the middle of an affair with a younger guy. It took a month of prying for me to get her to admit anything. Took another year for her to admit everything. She did tell me right away though that she "loved" the guy and had none of this love for me. We had no more "passion" she said. A year later she admitted to the physical part of the affair too.

It was a tough time. I was distraught and went through a lot emotionally trying to get a grip on it. I accepted it as much as I could and decided to continue in the marriage. We HAD been through hell and everyone makes mistakes. It didn't make what she did right though. I decided to win her back and to try and be a better husband. Read one book that I recommend to any struggling relationship "The Five Love Languages".

Year later caught her doing a personal training session with the guy from before. We separated for 2-3 months. She was ready to work at it herself this time (I had done most of the work previously). She had "learned" her lesson. We began living together and things got better, even better than before.

7 months later I find a conversation on her Facebook to another guy. Very flirtatious, and talking about meeting him at his place. Ironically, she was chatting with this guy at the SAME time that she was talking to me on the phone as I was driving back from an overnight job. Our conversation on the phone was one that she was telling me how much she loved me, how happy she was with our marriage, and how excited she was about our future.

We split up again for about 6 weeks and then got back together. 

Another year and a half goes by (3 weeks ago) and I began having "that feeling" again. Had it for 2-3 weeks. At first I just figured it was me being paranoid. I had been paranoid a lot trying to regain my trust for her over the past... 3 years. But it didn't stop, so one morning I decide to start looking. 

I found a prepaid phone and text messages to another guy. A guy she met out at a club 2 1/2 months ago. They were texting everyday since they had met. Most of the text message were deleted. I also found phone calls to guy #1. 

I confronted her about it and she told me it was her friends phone. Then she finally admitted it but only admitted it as far as I knew. She threw the phone away.

Next day I went to WalMart and bought another prepaid phone and reactivated that number. A few days later another guy texts in, one that I have had prior suspicions of. I begin texting him and within an hour have a sex date all set up at his place. Had him send his address, LOL almost got him to send me pics. I had this guy then call me (thinking it was her) and threatened to tell his fiancee (from my FB investigation) if he didn't come clean with me. He told me everything. Apparently they had hooked up during our first separation and he has been trying to hook up ever since and she just played along. Sounds like she allowed him to chase for the attention.

The prepaid phone btw, was the same number of the one she took out 3 years ago. So she never even got rid of it.

It is obvious I cannot trust her but I am trying to understand. We are very close to each other emotionally. We spend a lot of time together. We spend a lot of time as a family together. Our sex life was always great. Everything was spot on except for this crap. It doesn't make any sense to me. We are now going through all of the motions to do an amicable divorce. We are separated again and moving forward. 

In the mean time though, I am trying to get a grasp on all of this. It just doesn't make any sense to me. I am unable to wrap my mind around all of this. 

What makes a person do this?

:-/


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

There probably still is a lot of stuff you HAVEN'T discovered yet about the number of affair partners your wife has had or the number of times they've reconnected.

In any event, as for why, in your case, your wife said she likes the "passion," which to her probably means the excitement of forbidden fruit, furtive meetings, lying to you, etc.

Why wouldn't she just divorce you if that's what she wanted? She likes having you for financial support and babysitting, she loves you (like a good friend, a roommate), but she also loves the excitment of hooking up with other men.

Whatever she expressed to you verbally, at least since she's been cheating, she always has had a different opinion of your marriage than you have had. She was not thinking everything was great, she was thinking that everything was boring. She was not thinking you were getting along well, she was missing all of those "turbulent" times that made her fall in love with you.


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## elliotJ (Sep 3, 2012)

Dude, people tell me, "you don't deserve to be treated like this", and, ya hear that statement, same for YOU, my man. You don't deserve to be treated like this! She's nuts. Head for the hills.....


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## onemic (Aug 14, 2012)

Too many times she's played you like a fool. 
Take your scars and try to move on. Like others mentioned she has a fantasy and you are only a piece of the puzzle. 
Seems like this is going to continue if you don't bust out the D word and actually file.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

She has been a serial cheater her whole life.

Fighting with you from the begining scares me and I hate to say it you need to have paternity tests done on all of your kids.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Sounds like you are really in love with this woman.

1]You brought her to the USA
2]You taught her English
3] You gave her a good life financially
4]You gave her" space" so that she could enjoy a her social life.
5]You gave her children
6]You were patient with her
7]You forgave her 

What has she done for you?
There is no logical answer to her behaviour, but there is logical advice for your situation.
She can get more freedom and you get your life back.

Its called divorce.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> What makes a person do this?


Having a husband that is always willing to take her back after she has cheated repeatedly comes to my mind. 

You gave her all she wants in a marriage and merely huffed and puffed when she went for some passionate sex on the side. So, why wouldn't she do it? 

It's working great... FOR HER!


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

As to why .. Have you considered personality disorders? BPD? 

Also, maybe she was never what you thought you saw in her. U know the saying, you cant make a h*e a housewife. Wouldnt be your fault.

If so the healthiest thing for you would be to change your perception of her and who she is. (as sad as that may be) Clearly she's selfish otherwise she wouldnt have done this. Live for yourself and your kids. forget her


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## racerx7445 (Sep 3, 2012)

costa200 said:


> Having a husband that is always willing to take her back after she has cheated repeatedly comes to my mind.
> 
> You gave her all she wants in a marriage and merely huffed and puffed when she went for some passionate sex on the side. So, why wouldn't she do it?
> 
> It's working great... FOR HER!


Yeah Yeah... it has been the good life for her. It is just hard to break up a family. I read on here and other places that affairs as such and infidelity can and will take a year or two to play out. Why would her's be any different. I always hoped for the best and planned for the worst. 

I have never been around a divorce. No one in my family every divorced, so I don't have any experience in doing this. On the flip side, I have seen marriages suffer through different difficult problems, including infidelity and recover. I thought that mine would too.

The finality of breaking up my family was always one that was hard for me to face. Now though, there is no other way out of this problem. I recently told her that I still love her, but that there is no way I can continue trying to do this. She finally broke it. Even if I wanted to, I wouldn't be able to do it anymore. There is no way I could ever trust her again.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

racerx7445 said:


> Sounds like she allowed him to chase for the attention.
> 
> 
> :-/


In most cases I read about the guy not paying enough attention to there chick so the chick handles the unhealthy marriage by screwing around....for the most part it is just an excuse. The reality is its easier to have a 2nd life that is a bandaid to the day to day crap of real life...its fantasy that gets going and its justified by all the bad crap... and that happene to everyone, just some folks hadle it different by getting laid..... or at the very least fill a void they have.Emotionally speaking most count on other to make them happy and when they don't its by by.

Just some chicks handle it by cheating (the easy way) while healthy chicks tell there old man to pound sand and leave if crap doesn't change.AND THEY ACTUALLY BAIL!

For some reason its easier to decieve and lie then tell the truth and take the hard path and leave a marriage with honor.




On a rare ocassion the marriage could be perfect and the husband can meet all the chicks needs and sex is great the father thing is working and even the emotional thing is solid but the chick is just broken......maybe daddy had his way and the ckick sabadodgses her great marriage cuz she doesn't know what healthy is....maybe for some back assward reason she has some child hood issue that she is intitled to have her way.

But I'm just the guy thats been here a while and thats what I have come with when it comes to why this crap happens to us.


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## racerx7445 (Sep 3, 2012)

So from the divorced vets out there. Give me your 2 cents! Give me your advice. Life tips. What to do and what not to do.


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## racerx7445 (Sep 3, 2012)

the guy said:


> On a rare ocassion the marriage could be perfect and the husband can meet all the chicks needs and sex is great the father thing is working and even the emotional thing is solid but the chick is just broken......maybe daddy had his way and the ckick sabadodgses her great marriage cuz she doesn't know what healthy is....maybe for some back assward reason she has some child hood issue that she is intitled to have her way.
> 
> But I'm just the guy thats been here a while and thats what I have come with when it comes to why this crap happens to us.


My job allows me all kinds of time with my family. I get to be with my kids and my wife a lot. Attention is definitely not something she lacked.

She always told me stories of how her father used to cheat on her mother. How much it hurt her to see her mother go through all of that. That as a young child she would pray to God that her mother would divorce her father. So some of what you are saying does make sense there.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

IDKW but I have heard this few time and even in the begining a spouse will be so against the whole cheating thing...hten years down the road it bang the coworker deal...

So, it does happen and maybe your wife has this childhood issue, but at the end of that day only a pro can dig that crap out of her.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

For what its worth racer my chick screwed around for 13 years...hell it was all good not having to be emotionaly resposnablr to some chick and still get laid..... until I started giving a damb and stopped pushing my wife around and learned the tools to be a better man.

In fact we both are better human being and that was years ago.

Back to point

What the hell do you want?


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> Sounds like you are really in love with this woman.
> 
> 1]You brought her to the USA
> 2]You taught her English
> ...


I believe the standard answer to that is she had sex with him occasionally and cooked some meals. Throw in some light housekeeping as well. Men seem to esteem those rather pedestrian services overmuch.

Sigh. But the fair part of my mind can't let this go.

She had her reputation ruined with the premarital thing.

She had all her choices removed by having the kid. Did she WANT to be married to this guy? Seems llike she barely wanted to date him and now she's stuck.

She gave up EVERYTHING. Her family, her friends, that restaurant down the boulevard which made her pollo con arroze just the way she loved it and her Mother Tongue.

All for him.

This is not an excuse but I'm just trying to look at it from her perspective.

Also, in some nations, they treat marriage as a fiscal institution and Passion as something reserved for, well, affairs. Marrying an American is something to put up with for solid fiscal benefits and when the Troubles came, well, you weren't living up to your end of the bargain.

This is a total value mismanagement

Please not NONE of this excuses what she did. I am explaining HOW it likely happened and what might be going on in her head.

Personally, she needs a serious 'Come to Jesus' discussion about where this relationship is going.

If she wants heat in her relationship, tell her parents and family exactly what she is doing as well. They will, of course, hate you and choose her but is that really a loss? She doesn't get to glide though this untouched and will have mother ask her some uncomfortable questions.

And don't babysit for her again.


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## racerx7445 (Sep 3, 2012)

JCD said:


> I believe the standard answer to that is she had sex with him occasionally and cooked some meals. Throw in some light housekeeping as well. Men seem to esteem those rather pedestrian services overmuch.
> 
> Sigh. But the fair part of my mind can't let this go.
> 
> ...



Good response. You are correct on her sacrifice as well. It was not easy for either of us to do what we did. You know what it is like to have someone dependent on you 24/7? She couldn't even ask where the bathroom was without my help. It was tough on both sides. That is why I said the first 2 years were hell.

She was 19 when she got pregnant. In S. America, a 19 year old female has the maturity level of a 14 year old here in the US. She grew up with maids to do this and others to do that. She had a maid that wiped her butt for her until she turned 7.... no joke.

Arriving here with me was a shock. Uh dear, this is a laundry machine. You put the dirty clothes in and they come out clean. This is a dishwasher, just like the laundry machine but for dishes. The domestication process has been a long, arduous road. I had to make the decision of having a messy, peaceful home or a clean, stressful one. I don't like conflict.

I have been her only family here. With what we went through, we created a very strong bond. Someone asked me before if I love her still, yes, I love her a lot. But love is not enough. I cannot trust her anymore. 

Another asked me what do I want? I want out. I want this part of my life to end and for a new one to begin. I do not want to leave the house anymore and wonder what my wife is doing. I don't want to go in the other room and wonder if she is texting or chatting with some new dude. I don't want to continue to discover new things and then be lied to. If she could change, I'd still stay. But there is no way for me to know that and no way then for me to truly trust her again. She will find Jesus (again) through all this and she will want to change, but then she will get comfortable, bored, whatever it is and then something will trigger that switch and it'll happen again. Cheaters always cheat. 

We met with a counselor last week. Went over everything from the beginning. The counselor asked me if I would be willing to try... I told my wife and the counselor that if somehow I could believe in my wife again that I would, but that I don't think it is possible anymore. The trust has finally been completely broken.

So, I am slowly, and methodically moving towards a divorce. I just have a hard time cutting her off completely. I have taken care of this girl for 15 years. I have been her only family here and it is hard to just let her fall. This is the hard part for me, but I am preparing myself for it. Also we have 4 kids, so I am trying to plan this out so that it will be as smooth as possible for them. Kids are resilient but I want mine to suffer as little as possible.

Any divorcees out there have any advice from this stage?

Currently we are separated. We are taking turns every 2 days at the house (that we lease). I stay at an extended stay room, and she stays with her divorced friend that has been her wing(wo)man throughout every episode that we have had.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Racer, I don't want to blame you for anything but most of the time when spouses go for BNO/GNO problems arise. On top of that it seems you rugswept this the first time around. You let her give you the mushroom treatment. 

What you need to do is to execute the 180. Whether you decide to R or D, this will help you decide and it will be noticeable to your WS. Do not sweet talk her, do not call her, do not chase her, do not say I love you, only speak to her about important matters such as children, doctor appointments, scheduling. Try to stop babysitting for her, I know the kids are important, but try to get her to avoid canceling her scheduled days with the children.

You need to expose this affair/affairs, you need to tell your family, your friends, her family. Some do not wish to expose, if you do not wish to expose, at least expose to the OMW or OMGF if they (yes they) have one. 

Yuu say you are slowly methodically moving towards D, its all your decision but remember this, once you start moving out/on she'll want to move back in. She will see a new you, a stronger you, an independent you, a "you don't need her, leaving her behind" you. She can go live her delusional fantasy addiction and have temporal happiness which ends with depression, rinse lather and repeat! All the while you impliment the 180 and always think before you speak and remain in control with a firm voice.

If you decide to D you can find someone who is interested in true love and dedication, and will reciprocate.

If change your mind and decide to R, no rugsweeping like the first affair. Transparency, no GNO, no FB, no fantasy missions


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## racerx7445 (Sep 3, 2012)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> Yuu say you are slowly methodically moving towards D, its all your decision but remember this, once you start moving out/on she'll want to move back in. She will see a new you, a stronger you, an independent you, a "you don't need her, leaving her behind" you. She can go live her delusional fantasy addiction and have temporal happiness which ends with depression, rinse lather and repeat! All the while you impliment the 180 and always think before you speak and remain in control with a firm voice.



First off, I'm new here. I feel like I am in basic training or trying to read my teens texts with all of these acronyms. Help me! 
BNO/GNO, FB, WS?

This paragraph hit it on the head PERFECTLY! I even tried to explain this to a psych back when we were going through it one of the other times. I tried to explain how she liked it and was right on the hook when I was all alpha about things. I would always maintain a level of tension and uncertainty for her and she loved it! Unfortunately, when you are dad of 4, work full-time and are married forever.... the alpha thing has to go , it is something that you cannot maintain and then she would get bored or fall into a depression, whatever and then I would begin to lose her. 

This describes my girl perfectly and I've seen the cycle happen so many times. I thought it may be a latin thing, they need the machissmo all the time. 

What is this? Immaturity? A sickness?

You also say that I need to expose the affair. Why? I am not in disagreement, I've actually been on the fence about doing this.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

GNO=girls night out
FB=facebook


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## racerx7445 (Sep 3, 2012)

Just want to say that this is a great freaking place! So cool to be able to vent and talk in detail in anonymity to complete strangers that actually know a thing or two. 

Appreciate all of the feedback so far everyone!


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

racerx7445 said:


> First off, I'm new here. I feel like I am in basic training or trying to read my teens texts with all of these acronyms. Help me!
> BNO/GNO, FB, WS?
> 
> This paragraph hit it on the head PERFECTLY! I even tried to explain this to a psych back when we were going through it one of the other times. I tried to explain how she liked it and was right on the hook when I was all alpha about things. I would always maintain a level of tension and uncertainty for her and she loved it! Unfortunately, when you are dad of 4, work full-time and are married forever.... the alpha thing has to go , it is something that you cannot maintain and then she would get bored or fall into a depression, whatever and then I would begin to lose her.
> ...


Its not an alpha thing, its a marriage boundary check, you have to keep check on your wife as she does you. Spouses who have R (reconciled) after going wayward were assisted by their BS (betrayed spouse), with out that, they'd still be addicted and somewhere else on their 3rd or 4th partner/relationship. Its an addiction, novelty, excitement, is what dopamine loves, and it drives the WS (wayward spouse) to do anything for it, deceive you, leave the kids with you, find a sitter, they'll go out of their way, its extremely selfish and they don't even realize it. They are confused addicts.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> Its an addiction, novelty, excitement, is what dopamine loves, and it drives the WS (wayward spouse) to do anything for it, deceive you, leave the kids with you, find a sitter, they'll go out of their way, its extremely selfish and they don't even realize it. They are confused addicts.


:iagree:


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If any one knows anything about how addicting this kind behavior it me cuz I witnessed this 1st hand.
Its a self distructing behavior that if not adressed can lead to relaps.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

racerx7445 said:


> This describes my girl perfectly and I've seen the cycle happen so many times. I thought it may be a latin thing, they need the machissmo all the time.
> 
> What is this? Immaturity? A sickness?
> 
> You also say that I need to expose the affair. Why? I am not in disagreement, I've actually been on the fence about doing this.


This machismo is not "alpha". Most real latinos, yes I said real, mainly women, know that machismo is about a man and his ability to dominate his wife, children and have sex with any woman he wanted. Something the dictionary wont tell you.

Immaturity is when a spouse wants "privacy", or its a "right" for them to do w/e they want and go out with whomever, be friends with whomever.

You just need to be firm, it has nothing to do with alpha or machismo, just be firm and be a man of your word. Don't tolerate balogna, mushroom treatment, gaslighting, blameshifting, minimizing, justifying. No need to even shout, the more you remain calm and in control the crazier they'll get, especially if you 180.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

the guy said:


> If any one knows anything about how addicting this kind behavior it me cuz I witnessed this 1st hand.
> Its a self distructing behavior that if not adressed can lead to relaps.


Oh definitely, any person can do a little research on addictions, from pornography to cocaine, affairs to crack, the ones that do not involve drugs are usually WORSE!


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## racerx7445 (Sep 3, 2012)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> Its not an alpha thing, its a marriage boundary check, you have to keep check on your wife as she does you. Spouses who have R (reconciled) after going wayward were assisted by their BS (betrayed spouse), with out that, they'd still be addicted and somewhere else on their 3rd or 4th partner/relationship. Its an addiction, novelty, excitement, is what dopamine loves, and it drives the WS (wayward spouse) to do anything for it, deceive you, leave the kids with you, find a sitter, they'll go out of their way, its extremely selfish and they don't even realize it. They are confused addicts.



Our counselor asked me last week not to file yet. She said something kind of like this. She wanted us on a "controlled separation" for 6-8 weeks while my wife entered into counseling to search for a root to the problem. She also called it an addiction and tried to emphasize to me that it had 'nothing' to do with me. The terms of this controlled separation though were if she made contact with any of these guys, there was zero chance left.

Now my logic tells me otherwise though. I try to look at things objectively... obviously or I would not have put up with this for so long already. But the counselor (psychiatrist) also called it an addiction. Explain this addiction or point me to a good keyword to Google that I can find more info on what you are talking about. I'd like to gain more understanding on this.

I'm not a dumb guy, but I find it hard to excuse so many of these. It is so damaging, disruptive to our lives and so selfish. My conscience would never allow me to carry through with any of this. I have temptation, I see things, I have opportunity arise occasionally but I don't feed the temptations and I certainly don't act on them. Part of being responsible is knowing your own weaknesses and staying away from them. One bad decision leads to another and another...and soon you are far from what you stand on morally.


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## racerx7445 (Sep 3, 2012)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> Oh definitely, any person can do a little research on addictions, from pornography to cocaine, affairs to crack, the ones that do not involve drugs are usually WORSE!


Do people actually recover from addictions to affairs?

Once a cheater always a cheater... isn't that what everyone says on here?


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

You have no reason to waste money on a counselor if she is still cheating. You are doing what you want in your spare time, she is doing what she wants. Only you can tell what her intentions are with your "gut" (commonsense) feeling. Most of these counselors are trash, its difficult to find good ones.

In order to kill an addiction you kill the source aside from being healthy also helps. Example, drinking problem? Don't go to bars, don't hand around friends that drink, I'm sure they'll understand. Porn problem? Kill the computer/internet access. Cheating? Go complete NC (no contact), no FB, no email, not even smoke signals, nothing!!!!

People always try to want to blame something, even though its an addiction its a problem that the person let themselves fall into, and they just blame shift onto that addiction and they can't help themselves, they just have to bang every guy that friends them on tagged.com or w/e... seriously lame


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

racerx7445 said:


> Do people actually recover from addictions to affairs?
> 
> Once a cheater always a cheater... isn't that what everyone says on here?


I definitely do not believe in once a cheater always a cheater, although some may disagree but there are serial cheaters, that never stop, but there have been cases which ended both in R or D that the person stopped cheating.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> It is just hard to break up a family


Really? Sadly, your wife seems to find it remarkably easy.

See a solicitor/lawyer for advice as to you options.


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## racerx7445 (Sep 3, 2012)

bedtime, much to sleep on. thanks for the info everyone. I'll pop back on here tomorrow.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

If you want to really understand what an addiction is, you have to understand how the brain works. Most all of us Americans are on such a bad diet, and our foods (meat/fruit/veg) are so low quality. We all practically have chronic subclinical scurvy. We are easily addicted, we are constantly bombarding our bodies with abuse from what we eat and breathe expecting to think normal, act normal, or maybe even abnormal. 

The problem is estrogen dominance in our foods/water. The most to suffer from this problem is the women, who are more prone to depression and weight gain because of these petrochemicals, hormones in meat, chemicals in products, etc etc which block the production of thyroid hormone causing estrogen dependent cancers. Don't think only women suffer from this because men do too.

We have enough problems as it is, and have much against us yet we still think that we are in control and that love is something that should come easy. Every spouse needs his other spouse I just hope you can get over this whether you R or D.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

racerx7445 said:


> Do people actually recover from addictions to affairs?
> 
> Once a cheater always a cheater... isn't that what everyone says on here?


Not me brother. Just like any unhealthy behavior an individual can change. Folks told my old lady that once a wife beater always a wife beater and I made the changes for my self.

Just like my fWW (former wayward wife) made the changes for her self. It just so happened we both like the changes we we're making as individuals and desided to keep hanging out with each other.

Sure its different and we both know each other capacities but some how we meet each others needs in a much healthier way..

Not for each other but for our selves...we are both happier and healthier as individuals so we stick around. 

I guess its a simple fact that we both know we diserve good things and if me or my chic can't get that from each other then we can bail.

Its been 2-1/2 years since I confronted my fWW on her adultorus behavior and its been going good. She doesn't sleep around and I don't slap her around.....sounds simple. LOL

The fact is it took 22 yrs to get were we as individuals wanted to be. I'd say out of 23 yrs together 13 of them were unhealthy...hell some of it was just criminal...now that I think back.


But any way take care of your self and work on you, you can't control your chic, it will be up to her to deside what she diserve , just like it is up to you to deside what you diserve and more importantly what you will tolorate.

What got me thru is the confidence that i was one bad @ss mother and I diserved good things and if my chic couldn't provide that well then I'll find some one else. some one that digs the new me and the work I did for my self. And if I had to I'd take my kids along with or without my fWW!


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> This machismo is not "alpha". Most real latinos, yes I said real, mainly women, know that machismo is about a man and his ability to dominate his wife, children and have sex with any woman he wanted. Something the dictionary wont tell you.


Mi esposa dice es muy Alpha. That's actually the natural order of things. Why do you think every well off guy in Mexico has at least two families on the opposite side of town?

This guy's WW thinks he's a gamma.

My wife told me I was the only man she ever dated with real machismo. Mostly, I'm guessing it was the feedback vibe she was getting from other women. Possibly, it was just more of her BS, but I can tell you that's how they perceive things. Also, a man who doesn't guard his "property", Mexicanas will devalue, because they feel you see them as not worth fighting (figuratively and literally) for. As with all cultural generalizations, YMMV.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

racerx7445 said:


> First off, I'm new here. I feel like I am in basic training or trying to read my teens texts with all of these acronyms. Help me!
> BNO/GNO, FB, WS?
> 
> This paragraph hit it on the head PERFECTLY! I even tried to explain this to a psych back when we were going through it one of the other times. I tried to explain how she liked it and was right on the hook when I was all alpha about things. *I would always maintain a level of tension and uncertainty for her and she loved it!* Unfortunately, when you are dad of 4, work full-time and are married forever.... the alpha thing has to go , it is something that you cannot maintain and then she would get bored or fall into a depression, whatever and then I would begin to lose her.
> ...


I noticed this type of thing - the constant need for drama, the preference for "machismo" - when I was in high school. As I got older, very few women still wanted the constant "drama," though many still seemed to have an attraction to the "machismo." So, I always thought the need for drama stemmed from immaturity. The "machismo" thing, on the other hand, just seems to be based on personal preference - some women like a very high level, to the point of being chauvinistic, while others would be turned off by that.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Your counselor---has good intentions, but IMHO, even if what she is doing works, it is nothing more than a band-aid

Your wife was good for, what, 7/8 years, then the roof fell in

Say you do forsake your now choice to D., and go with a R----what is gonna be different 7 yrs from now, when your wife is bored again---what is to keep her from wandering then

In the interim, do you really wanna be a PAROLE OFFICER, for who knows how long,------it is said it takes 2 to 5 yrs, to finally have a good life, in going R------Again IMHO, I am not sure you will ever have peace of mind again---and your carefree life it is gone, especially with this woman, cuz she has no boundaries, and refuses to recognize any that you try to give her.

It's your life, not the counselor's---Your basic instincts seem to be right, in this situation---you have had 14 yrs of good/bad/indifferent, with this woman, with numerous seperations, and she keeps going back to cheating---how much misery do you want in your life------

Your best bet is to stop wasting money on the counselor---her controlled seperation, is nothing more than the enforced seperations you already had----your wife has a propensity to wander, so believe me she will cheat on the counselor's controlled seperation---just go ahead and get your freedom


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

What!!!!! I missed something....what the hell is "controlled seperation"? In my book that sound like "try"....well screw that... there is no try there is only do!

In my book there is no trying, you either stop hitting your wife or you don't....you either stop sleeping around or you don't. Its a crappy mind set to go into a sitch thinking you will try to change. The fact of the matter is you will change!

Sure, I'l try to stop posting here at TAM, but you all know I'll be back the next day butchering up the english laugnues with my spelling.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

I hope you realize that if you do R, her friend has to go. There is no way she didn't know what your wife was doing.
I would bet money she is helping her hookup while staying there now. 
And since you have no way of checking, she is gaslighting you.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> I hope you realize that if you do R, her friend has to go. There is no way she didn't know what your wife was doing.
> I would bet money she is helping her hookup while staying there now.
> And since you have no way of checking, she is gaslighting you.


:iagree:

No wing woman and No GNO.

And police the FB forever.....


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

racerx7445 said:


> So from the divorced vets out there. Give me your 2 cents! *Give me your advice. Life tips. What to do and what not to do.*



Then you have come to the right place.
You will definitely get the help and advice you need here.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

You took her to US, loved her, gave her everything but she cheated on you through out with multiple guys so at the last you took the decision to D her. This decision was not taken due to your mistakes or neglect but due to her choices she made even after getting caught, even after she seeing it hurt you, even after she realizing her actions are destroying her children s home. There is nothing to look back, she is too broken for you to fix her. proceed with D, never look back, do everything for getting full custody of your children.

There is nothing like controlled separation, why you need a separation if she is remorseful and own up her crap and do all the things to fix the marriage? It still means she is not into you or marriage, she wanted to have A and hook ups with any guy. She is not a marriage material, you choose the wrong girl for marriage.

By the way do a DNA test on your children for your safety.

I D my wife, it was tough to do as we too have children but I did it because it was good for me and my children. Children like to have two separate homes than a home filled with sh!t. Me and my children are happy now.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

racerx7445 said:


> Our counselor asked me last week not to file yet. She said something kind of like this. She wanted us on a "controlled separation" for 6-8 weeks while my wife entered into counseling to search for a root to the problem. She also called it an addiction and tried to emphasize to me that it had 'nothing' to do with me.


Is your wife seeing this counselor privately? I am wondering if the counselor knows something you don't.

It may be possible for your wife to change. She might overcome some kind of emotional or psychological issue. She might come to be horrified at what she has done, and she might become a good faithful wife. It would be highly unlikely, but it has probably happened to someone, which makes it possible.

However, even if the highly unlikely happens, can _you live with it? Can you ever feel trust again? Would you be happy living in a marriage with such a history? Your needs, preferences, and limits are completely valid regardless of whether she changes.

There are 2 parts to this equation, her and you. She has to change. You have to be able to be able to be happy after you become certain of your wife's changes._


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Green Card Bride whoring it up? Never saw that coming?


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## racerx7445 (Sep 3, 2012)

Thor said:


> Is your wife seeing this counselor privately? I am wondering if the counselor knows something you don't.
> 
> It may be possible for your wife to change. She might overcome some kind of emotional or psychological issue. She might come to be horrified at what she has done, and she might become a good faithful wife. It would be highly unlikely, but it has probably happened to someone, which makes it possible.
> 
> ...


_


I don't think that she can change. I don't think that she wants to change. The only thing that would push her to that IMO is D. She would first screw off and have her fun. She would then get depressed because that would not be giving her the temporal high that she wanted. Then she would finally begin to miss all of the stability that she had being married. I would be viewed as something that she couldn't have and then she'd want it more than anything. 

At this point she would change and I would see it. But would it be worth going through all of that to get there? Would it be worth coming back and risking having to do it all again because would the change be permanent? For sure in the possible future of getting back together she would begin to face all of the same demons that drove her to do what she is doing now and would she be able to maintain and stay strong? Would she resort back to the same things that made her feel better about herself? (I think that all of this is an ego booster. She has a very low self esteem).

D to me is a change of lifestyle, it is like losing weight or getting in shape. You don't do it a little, you come to that fork in the road and you turn left and stay left.

Now will I be able to keep myself moving away from it all? Last night, holding my 6 year old daughter for 45 minutes as she cried herself to sleep because she misses her mother hurts (Mom and I are separated). It makes me question very hard what I am doing. So there will certainly be challenges for me. Like I've said, I love her but I just cannot trust her anymore.

I so appreciate everyone's input on this. Each different perspective is enlightening._


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## racerx7445 (Sep 3, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> Green Card Bride whoring it up? Never saw that coming?


Nah, not in this case. I won't get in to the facts but for sure not in this case.


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

racerx7445 said:


> .....
> Wife and I began our marriage as a result of a pregnancy.
> 
> .....
> ...





racerx7445 said:


> .....
> What makes a person do this?
> :-/


Was the pregnancy against her will? Does she have anything against you due to that? Did she loose someone she loved due to this pregnancy?


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

racerx7445 said:


> I don't think that she can change. I don't think that she wants to change. The only thing that would push her to that IMO is D. She would first screw off and have her fun. She would then get depressed because that would not be giving her the temporal high that she wanted. Then she would finally begin to miss all of the stability that she had being married. I would be viewed as something that she couldn't have and then she'd want it more than anything.
> 
> At this point she would change and I would see it. But would it be worth going through all of that to get there? Would it be worth coming back and risking having to do it all again because would the change be permanent? For sure in the possible future of getting back together she would begin to face all of the same demons that drove her to do what she is doing now and would she be able to maintain and stay strong? Would she resort back to the same things that made her feel better about herself? (I think that all of this is an ego booster. She has a very low self esteem).
> 
> ...


Don't think she can't change until you implement the 180


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## racerx7445 (Sep 3, 2012)

akashNil said:


> Was the pregnancy against her will? Does she have anything against you due to that? Did she loose someone she loved due to this pregnancy?


She had a medical problem that prevented her from getting pregnant. Guess the doctor wasn't 100% sure. The pregnancy was a surprise for the both of us. I was the traveling ******, she was the 19 year old that was let loose in an apartment by herself for the first time. She had been there.... 1-2 months before she met me.

She left her family and has been back once since she left 14 years ago. The one time that she returned was for her mother's funeral. Mother had an anyeurism and died at 47. Was a shock for everyone. So yes, she has lost someone.


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## racerx7445 (Sep 3, 2012)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> Don't think she can't change until you implement the 180


I agree but it cannot be a separation that I plan only to get this result. I cannot separate hoping that she will want me more or that she will change as a result. I have to begin moving forward in my life and if something happens then it happens. 

Going to begin cutting off my support this week (turn over some utilities, cut off cell phone, internet at home, cable, stop paying her gas...). I will be here for anything kid or house related but it'll have to be pure business. She has never had this from me. Even the other times that we separated, I still paid for everything. She only felt the void of me.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

You dont need to seperate or leave to implement the 180, do it now
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## racerx7445 (Sep 3, 2012)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> You dont need to seperate or leave to implement the 180, do it now
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How is that? I don't think I understand what you are saying.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

180 is a plan that helps protect you from more emotional pain and torture, its a list of things that you do to help you get thru this painful crap.

You can be under the same roof, but you emotionally distance your self from your wife with these 180 plan, like stop showing effection, no "i luv u", and reacting indifferent when ever she engages you with anger or even love.......

The oppisite of love is indifference, and the 180 steps give you all kinds of actions to take that protect you from more emotional pain.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

racerx7445 said:


> How is that? I don't think I understand what you are saying.


Unfortunately, we cannot post the 180, as the author likes to send letters to the forum admins demanding it be taken down, we can only provide links to it. Here's one:

The Healing Heart: The 180


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Unfortunately, we cannot post the 180, as the author likes to send letters to the forum admins demanding it be taken down, we can only provide links to it. Here's one:
> 
> The Healing Heart: The 180


Lets call it the 540 when we do not use the link then. 

Thanks for the heads up and the link sir.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Racer, she's never been in the marriage to you. A married woman with kids should never be going out to clubs and partying - why - because the only purpose of such clubs is hooking up. It's why the women go there and the men go there to meet the women.

You now see what sort of person she is at heart. She parties, you pay, she meets men, you pay, you catch her in lies, she lies more.

Even now she's likely living the party life hard and enjoying her freedom from having kids around. She's got a single girl friend who won't mind her bringing guys home, or won't question her not coming home. 

I would say a fundamental mistake you made the first time you caught her is that you didn't expose her affair to friend and family AND most importantly to the OM's GF. 

Even now you've held back exposing the guy's she's cheated with. Why are you not contacting their wives or GF's and exposing them?


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Twenty two and from an UMC Third World background. Jeez! She's still a kid! Not that I believe in permanently extended adolesance, but still. She isn't ready for kids, matrimony OR any of this other stuff.

She was looking forward to living alone, partying with her friends and getting an education and a nice government job (or maybe marrying really well)

She's done a piss poor job of growing the hell up, but I can be a bit sympathetic. But life doesn't ask us what we want. 

She's not in a place to do this and she doesn't want to. She feels cheated in life. Take your kids and go. 

HOWEVER, expect in about 2 or 3 years for her to come back a much changed woman. How you deal with her then is up to you.


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## racerx7445 (Sep 3, 2012)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> Lets call it the 540 when we do not use the link then.
> 
> Thanks for the heads up and the link sir.


I've been trying to find out more info on the 180 and cannot seem to find more than the list of what to do.

I have a lot of questions about it. Even bought a book by Michele Weiner but it didn't have anything. 

Where can I find a more detailed explanation on this? (the 180)


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## racerx7445 (Sep 3, 2012)

JCD said:


> Twenty two and from an UMC Third World background. Jeez! She's still a kid! Not that I believe in permanently extended adolesance, but still. She isn't ready for kids, matrimony OR any of this other stuff.
> 
> She was looking forward to living alone, partying with her friends and getting an education and a nice government job (or maybe marrying really well)
> 
> ...


I agree with you JCD. Most of what you are saying is accurate. She is not happy though with the current situation. She has lost 15lbs (115 down to 100). She is very down but I'm sure still continues to contact a who's who's list of guy friends.

We were doing the separation for 3-4 weeks where I would leave for 2 days then she would and just taking turns at the house. 

During the course of our marriage, I have been the one that brings stability to the home. The children are really beginning to feel this and are asking all kinds of questions. It is sad. They cry when it is my turn to leave.

I told my wife yesterday that I will not be leaving anymore. That if she wants to be separated then she can leave. If she wants me out of the house she will have to file and get a judge to order me away from my kids. I just can't do this to them anymore. 

Going to just stay at the house and continue trying to move on with my life. Guys posted the 180 on here and I like it. Have been trying to read more about his. I like that it works on my own personal healing and that it can affect the other spouse the same as a complete absence from the home. Help me to find more info on this.


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## racerx7445 (Sep 3, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Racer, she's never been in the marriage to you. A married woman with kids should never be going out to clubs and partying - why - because the only purpose of such clubs is hooking up. It's why the women go there and the men go there to meet the women.
> 
> You now see what sort of person she is at heart. She parties, you pay, she meets men, you pay, you catch her in lies, she lies more.
> 
> ...


I did expose her to the other guys girlfriend. The first guy though had no girlfriend.


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## racerx7445 (Sep 3, 2012)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> Lets call it the 540 when we do not use the link then.
> 
> Thanks for the heads up and the link sir.


I need more info on this!

Things that I will eventually have to face with her while living at home that I will not be sure how to deal with

-she will want physical reassurance. If we sleep in the same bed she will want to cuddle, even when things are at the worse she will come back to this. 

-she will want sex. She uses sex for control. I'm a guy, I like it! It is hard to say no to your wife.

What is the way to deal with these during the 180. I can say no but what is the mindframe that I go into it with. What do I tell her. 

I can reject her but with what reasoning because she will be sure to ask me something at this point.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

racerx7445 said:


> Been married 14 years. We have 4 children together. About 3 years ago, we moved to a larger city. She immediately met a girl from her country and they became best friends. A few girls nights out and she was in the middle of an affair with a younger guy. She did tell me right away though that she "loved" the guy and had none of this love for me. We had no more "passion" she said. Year later caught her doing a personal training session with the guy from before. We separated for 2-3 months. She was ready to work at it herself this time (I had done most of the work previously). She had "learned" her lesson. 7 months later I find a conversation on her Facebook to another guy. Very flirtatious, and talking about meeting him at his place. Ironically, she was chatting with this guy at the SAME time that she was talking to me on the phone as I was driving back from an overnight job. Our conversation on the phone was one that she was telling me how much she loved me, how happy she was with our marriage, and how excited she was about our future. We split up again for about 6 weeks and then got back together. Another year and a half goes by (3 weeks ago) I found a prepaid phone and text messages to another guy. A guy she met out at a club 2 1/2 months ago. They were texting everyday since they had met. Most of the text message were deleted. I also found phone calls to guy #1. The prepaid phone btw, was the same number of the one she took out 3 years ago. So she never even got rid of it.
> 
> It is obvious I cannot trust her but I am trying to understand. *We are very close to each other emotionally.* We spend a lot of time together. We spend a lot of time as a family together. *Our sex life was always great*. Everything was spot on except for this crap. It doesn't make any sense to me. *We are now going through all of the motions to do an amicable divorce*. We are separated again and moving forward.
> 
> ...


When you first posted, I was under the impression that you had decided to divorce. If you want to try to save your marriage, here is what I would suggest:

1. She handwrites no contact letters to all previous other men, stating how horribly ashamed she is of her behavior, how terrible she feels for having risked losing her marriage and husband, who means more to her than anyone in the world, and that if other man ever attempts to contacts her again, she will file harassment charges against him. Nothing more, nothing less, no terms of endearment or sorry it didn't work out, etc. Then she gives the letters to you to mail.

2. She handwrites a letter to the toxic friend/wingwoman stating that she has decided to work on her marriage and no longer wants any contact with toxic friend and that if toxic friend ever attempts to contact her again, she will file harassment charges against her.

3. She handwrites a letter of apology to you for all that has occurred.

4. She gets rid of Facebook. Gets a phone with parental controls that you control. Gives up her email - she can use yours. Gives you complete access to all her communication devices and accounts, all passwords.

5. No nights out with girls other than the toxic friend without you.

6. She lets you know her whereabouts 24/7.

If she won't agree to these, proceed with divorce - and stop being amicable.

If she does agree, place a voice-activated recorder in her car and in any room of the house where she is likely to use the phone and keylog the computer. This is so you can see when she breaks no contact with other men or her toxic friend. If no contact is broken, proceed with the divorce.

If you are proceeding with divorce, stop communicating with her except for anything to do with finances or the kids. Cut off all non-necessities that you pay for for her. Cell phone. Internet access. Money for girls nights out. You pay for food, shelter, clothing for her.

While you are proceeding with divorce, don't move out. If she wants to, let her. You be calm and confident. Do things with the kids without her. Do not spend time with her. Act like you are really getting divorced. No sex with her. No cuddles. If she wants to know why, tell her you are getting divorced because she won't commit to the marriage and therefore you are moving on with your life.

The 180 is basically a lifestyle of moving on with your life without her. You are basically living a post-divorce lifestyle while the divorce is in process. It is not nasty, but it is not "amicable." It is the way you would treat a business competitor - she is not your "friend" - she is in competition with you over the legal dissolution of your assets - it is not a win-win situation. So don't be nasty, but don't be overly friendly - just indifferent. The only things you discuss with her are the divorce settlement and the kids.

If she at some point in this process wants to reconcile with you - and agree to your conditions - then it's up to you if you want to give that a try. If that happens, and she lives up to her end of the agreement, you return to life as a married couple - sex, affection, etc.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

What's your ultimate goal here? 

Is she clubbing still?

Who's financing her
.


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## racerx7445 (Sep 3, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> What's your ultimate goal here?
> 
> Is she clubbing still?
> 
> ...


I opened a business last year. The business is going well, but at just a year old, I struggle financially. 

For the separation I have been renting an extended stay room at $200 per week. That is where I'd go on my nights. She stay with her friend on her nights. 

This past week I decided not to leave the house anymore. I have two reasons for this decision: 1) $200/week is expensive and 2) everytime on my way out the door my kids would cry. 

I have been the main security and stability for the family. It is hard for me to not be there for them. For these reasons I told her that I do not plan to leave the house anymore. 

Next week I will visit an attorney to begin figuring the divorce options out. This is an entire other thread.

In the mean time, while at the house with her, I am trying to follow the 180 guidelines. I know though what I will face in time. This is why I was asking how to deal with these things. 

She is in no frame of mind to comply with what would be necessary to make this marriage work. I am certain that one day she will be back but she will have to get to that moment that she 'finds Jesus'. At that time, I don't know where I will be in my life. I am not doing this to manipulate a response out of her.

[[ IF somethign changed, I would be willing to work this out, but I have exhausted my options. She is not willing. I will not try again the same way as before ]]

It is confusing sometimes and I am working forward.

She is not a big time clubber but when she does go out that is where many of the problems begin. FB is also a big problem. She gains a lot of attention there.

Yesterday she bought her own cell phone so that I could not monitor it anymore. She told me that she did it for that reason because she feels that I am controlling. She moved her computer out of the house to her friends house because she is afraid of what I would find on there I imagine.

She is not willing to change. I dont want to leave the house. I know that there will be challenges to face as this progresses, one being that she will test me with things to see exactly where I stand. When she again tries to show affection I wanted to know how to respond to this. When the night comes that we are both 'in the mood' and she tries to have sex I wanted to know the proper response to this regarding the 180. We have always had a great sex life, so it will be hard to say no, espcially after a drought. 

Is there a deeper explanation of the 180? Again I am not using the 180 to elicit a response, I want to heal myself, live at this house, and do it the best way possible. I just want to understand this procedure deeper.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> Stop communicating with her except for anything to do with finances or the kids. Cut off all non-necessities that you pay for for her. Cell phone. Internet access. Money for girls nights out. You pay for food, shelter, clothing for her.
> 
> While you are proceeding with divorce, don't move out. If she wants to, let her. You be calm and confident. Do things with the kids without her. Do not spend time with her. Act like you are really getting divorced. *No sex with her. No cuddles. If she wants to know why, tell her you are getting divorced because she won't commit to the marriage and therefore you are moving on with your life.*
> 
> ...


No sex with her. No cuddles. If she wants to know why, tell her you are getting divorced because she won't commit to the marriage and therefore you are moving on with your life.

I don't know any more detailed information on the 180. Most people adapt it to their own situations, they really are guidelines, not rules. The basic idea is you moving on without her until she snaps out of her affairs or commits to the marriage.

So, if she wants sex, no. If she wants to cuddle, no. Those are things you do with those who are in committed relationship with you. By her actions, she is NOT committing to your relationship, she is taking steps to HIDE her adulterous behavior, not end it. Tell her that if she needs an explanation of why no sex or why no cuddling.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Do a little research on sexually transmitted diseases. Imagine gonorrhea in your mouth. Or Herpes forever. 

That is why you don't have sex with an unfaithful spouse who may still be in any kind of affair.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

My advice is this:

1. Move her out of the master bedroom. Explain to her that the bed there is for your faithful wife. She no longer qualifies for the job, so she can sleep other places.

2. Do cut her off $$$ wise. Provide funding for the house etc, but nothing directly for her. If she has a CC , cancel it.

3. Tell her to give you a clean STD test suite and you'll consider using her for sex, but she must understand you'll have no emotion or feeling, you'll just be using her like the guys in the clubs (that should take care of her coming to you for sex).

4. File for D.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

leave or else continue to suffer


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

racerx7445 said:


> So from the divorced vets out there. Give me your 2 cents! Give me your advice. Life tips. What to do and what not to do.


Life tip #1 do not ever entertain the idea of marrying someone that goes out by their self or with girlfriends, I.E. GNOs. Same for the husband. Everyone but one coulpe I have known over the last 35b years that went out seperately are divorced with the wife finding someone new.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

On being alpha and what your relationship or future relationships need.

Amazon.com: married man sex life: Books


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

"Controlling" is cheating wife speak for "I want my secret life and I want stupid husband to pay for it".

Very common for cheating wives to use "controlling" as an excuse to keep the secrets hidden form a husband. She is trying to blame you for her behavior. It is also an indication that she has no intention to change her behavior regardless of what she says to you.


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