# My husband wont have sex



## lonelylady426 (Sep 30, 2014)

We have been married for 11 years and have not had sex in over 6 years. We "fool around" about every three months, but it is like I am back in high school when we do - if you know what I mean.

I do not believe in cheating, but I did about three weeks ago. The thing is...I didn't feel guilty about it at all.

I told my husband last week I wanted a divorce and that I cheated, thinking that would make it easier to leave. His response was.......it was his fault I cheated and he isn't mad. He would even consider an open marriage if that is what I needed since he can't give me what i need. That is just crazy to me.

We agreed to work on our marriage and be more open about what we needed and were not getting from each other. 
At this point, I feel like I am keeping my promise. It has been a little over a week and he hasn't even attempted to be sexual in any way with me. And I have voiced my concerns several times in the past week. At this point - I am afraid that even if he did, I still wouldn't be satisfied. Even though I cheated and it was a one night stand.....there was one hundred times more intimacy than we have had in about 8 years.

My husband and I are overweight and that plays a huge part in our sex problems. I have told him numerous times that i dont care how much he weighs, but once it starts interferring with our marriage.....he should want to do something about it.
Is that wrong of me? I am overweight too....but I can do daily tasks, especially in bed and my life and the people i care about are not being affected by it.

I know he is not having an affair. he just doesn't care about sex anymore? Who does that??????? We are in our forties, in case you were wondering.

Any thoughts? Am I just prolonging the inevitable here? Is there any hope for my marriage.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

You lucky thing having your husband offer an open marriage so that you can still have sex. I'm trying at present to get my husband to agree to this. We're both in our fifties and have been married less than 2 years but the sex just about dried up as soon as the ring was on my finger. The only way forward I can see for us without Divorce is to have an open marriage so that I can still have sex. He seems quite happy to live without sex and thinks we're too old to be having sex at our age. Had I known that marriage would equal celibacy, I would never have married him. Go for the open marriage option, it's got to be better than living a celibate life just because your husband no longer wants sex.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

I may get blasted for this but here goes anyway. Being overweight is more than an outwardly, superficial condition. Absent a medical condition, it has deeper ramifications. It speaks to a persons self control, their self esteem, self worth and their self respect. Not to mention it is physically damaging to their health. I look at it very much like smoking. It also affects how they interact with people and how people interact with them.

I cringe when people say "you should look beyond that and see who I am on the inside" because of the above mentioned reasons. The weight is an outwardly sign of deeper problems within. That said, your husband may not feel attractive or desirable or he may no longer see you that way, or both.

Did the intimacy drop off suddenly or was it gradual and did it coincide with the weight gain? I don't have a problem with weight but I go around hungry at least 70% of every day. It's a choice I make so as not to be heavy. Do you guys exercise? Being overweight also reduces/eliminates regular exercise. Regular exercise, in men especially, boosts testosterone levels thereby increasing libido.

The fact that you went out and had an affair confirms the above stated issues that the weight implies. Your vow meant nothing to you? Why did you have the A and then ask for divorce and not the other way around? That would have been honorable and it would have given your H one last opportunity to act. I would find it doubly difficult to motivate myself to change for you now after that but perhaps he's able to. It seems that neither of you are willing to take care of yourselves much less a marriage, IMO. Good luck.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

lonelylady426 said:


> My husband and I are overweight and that plays a huge part in our sex problems. I have told him numerous times that i dont care how much he weighs, but once it starts interferring with our marriage.....he should want to do something about it.
> Is that wrong of me? *I am overweight too....but I can do daily tasks*, especially in bed and my life and the people i care about are not being affected by it.


So how much weight are we talking about? When I read your OP, the highlighted part in particular caught my eye. Maybe you are simply referring to the weight affecting his libido, but if your referring to other parts of daily life that are affected by his weight then this is a much bigger problem than just sex.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

There are a lot of LD men. It's not as rare as people think. 

Do you feel you could sleep with another man and not develop an emotional attachment to him?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening doobie
Agreed. I don't think an open marriage is great, but it seems much better than building up resentment. 

And 50's is definitely not too old to want sex 






doobie said:


> You lucky thing having your husband offer an open marriage so that you can still have sex. I'm trying at present to get my husband to agree to this. We're both in our fifties and have been married less than 2 years but the sex just about dried up as soon as the ring was on my finger. The only way forward I can see for us without Divorce is to have an open marriage so that I can still have sex. He seems quite happy to live without sex and thinks we're too old to be having sex at our age. Had I known that marriage would equal celibacy, I would never have married him. Go for the open marriage option, it's got to be better than living a celibate life just because your husband no longer wants sex.


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## lonelylady426 (Sep 30, 2014)

We were both a little overweight when we married. It is something that we have both struggled with our whole lives. As for your comment, No Choice.....its not like smoking at all. i know because I used to smoke. I agree that there are underlying issues with being overweight but I also think you shouldn't judge someone for the way they look until you walk a mile in their shoes. That being said, the sex was great when we first got together but then after about two years, it has just died. 
I know I should have got out of my marriage before cheating. i know that i was wrong. 
I love this man, but I cannot do an open marriage. I feel that if he really loved me, he wouldn't even suggest it. I feel like if he really loved me, he would do what it takes to make me happy. Having said that, i feel like if I really loved him....I wouldn't have cheated.
And there is my dilema......is my marriage over?


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I agree we shouldn't judge a person by their weight. However we have every right to choose what we find attractive and what we don't.

Weight aside I think your marriage is over. It seems cruel to say but to me if his self esteem is so beat down he's content to allow you to screw other men he's not really worth keeping. That smacks of a man staying with you because he's too lazy to do anything different not because he's in love with you.

You could be having the relationship and sex you want. First you have to disentangle yourself from this broken man.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

MaritimeGuy said:


> I agree we shouldn't judge a person by their weight. However we have every right to choose what we find attractive and what we don't.


I understand your sentiment, but I think it's more along the lines of we really can't choose what we find attractive and what we don't.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Over weight?
See a doctor then with his ok
Go to the gym and work out. Aerobics, weight lifting. Not machines, but free weights. Start twice a week for two weeks, then three times a week, work up to four times a week.

Heavy weights. Most important is squats. See a trainer to show you both the ropes. No other way to lose fat. Work hard, results guaranteed. You will be happier. Dedicate and focus and the gym.


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## 20yrsofmarriage (Sep 29, 2014)

indiecat said:


> There are a lot of LD men. It's not as rare as people think.
> 
> Do you feel you could sleep with another man and not develop an emotional attachment to him?


I'm new here what is LD.

It's so foreign to me for a man not to want sex. My hubby wants it ALL the time, and I'm the one that can tKe it or leave it.


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## justfabulous (Feb 9, 2014)

20yrsofmarriage said:


> I'm new here what is LD.
> 
> It's so foreign to me for a man not to want sex. My hubby wants it ALL the time, and I'm the one that can tKe it or leave it.



LD = Low Drive (as in sex drive)


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

lonelylady426 said:


> We were both a little overweight when we married. It is something that we have both struggled with our whole lives. As for your comment, No Choice.....its not like smoking at all. i know because I used to smoke. I agree that there are underlying issues with being overweight but I also think you shouldn't judge someone for the way they look until you walk a mile in their shoes. That being said, the sex was great when we first got together but then after about two years, it has just died.
> I know I should have got out of my marriage before cheating. i know that i was wrong.
> I love this man, but I cannot do an open marriage. I feel that if he really loved me, he wouldn't even suggest it. I feel like if he really loved me, he would do what it takes to make me happy. Having said that, i feel like if I really loved him....I wouldn't have cheated.
> And there is my dilema......is my marriage over?


I am in no way being facetious but I reread my post and cannot see where I passed judgement. I merely stated that I believe weight can signify other issues and if you found that offensive I did not intend it that way. As to the smoking comparison, they both are bad for you, they both are addictive, they both require great will power to overcome and they both can be used as a aversion or "escape" if you will. Like eating instead of having sex.

Is your marriage over? I cannot say with any surety but it is in serious trouble and on life support. It really is dependent upon how badly each of you want it not to be. I believe, just from the limited info here, that divorce would be easier. I think this relationship will require a lot of work and maybe some counseling but if you're both not willing to give it 100% then I fear divorce is eminent. I also believe that an open marriage would equal a divorce only later rather than sooner, IMO. Why do you feel your husband is so apathetic to your marriage and even the A? Any insight at all?


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Cletus said:


> I understand your sentiment, but I think it's more along the lines of we really can't choose what we find attractive and what we don't.


I agree...'choose'...was the wrong word. I was thinking more along the lines our attractions can not be bound by 'political correctness.' We find attractive what we find attractive.


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