# Do I keep blowing up POSOM?



## DidntLearnMyLesson (Jun 25, 2014)

Short version of how I got here.
Over the past few months, my WW kept repeating that she "wanted to be alone so she can find herself and her happiness." Obviously that's a huge red flag so I went into investigation mode.
A little over two weeks ago, I found out that she has been having an A with her married coworker for the last seven months. She "loves" him and wants to continue their relationship.
Our 17 year M is over, no R. Our son is the biggest casualty. Yes, I'm moving on, trying to find my own happiness, I know I deserve better and I'm taking it one day at a time. Needless to say, my emotions are still all over the map.

Backstory of POSOM:
POSOM came to this country with his GF six years ago to advance his career. After a few years, the GF got homesick, broke off the relationship and returned home. Six months later, OM begged GF to return, married her, had a child and promised her that one day they would permanently return to their home country to raise their child around family and friends.
The plan was to return to their home country next year after the completion of a vital work project (he gets a very substantial bonus when it's complete). Incidentally, POSOM and WW began their A while working on this project.

Enter D-Day:
After I found out, POSOM called and asked me to not tell his wife! He said that it's his responsibility 'to manage his own relationship under whatever moral compass he has." Can you believe this scum bag?
I was very angry with that ****y and despicable attitude so the next day, I blew up the A to the OMW. OMW took their child back to their home country and are never coming back. WW says they are going to D.
Afterwards, POSOM claimed that he planned to D his wife next year after they got settled back in their home country. Even WW doubted this story- WW told me that POSOM previously admitted that he would have moved back with his family and acted like nothing happened. Piece of work, isn't he?

Karma:
So now, POSOM is on the road to D, has to pay alimony (wife is a homemaker)/child support and his child is now on a completely different continent. 

Satisfactory karma? Or... is there more to be done?

POSOM decided to stick to the original plan and stay for another year so he can collect his bonus. Plus, now that both WW and POSOM are free from their relationships, they can be together. I know I shouldn't care and just move on but their "happiness" still infuriates me - they destroyed our families! Why do they get to have any happiness from all of this hurt that they caused?!

Both WW and POSOM did not tell anyone at their work about the A and don't plan to. They are content to just count down the remaining time that they have together. They are both high level executives at their company. Even if the A became known, it may only bring up questions about their character, judgment, integrity, professionalism and focus. Perhaps questions about their conduct on this project might come up. But I can't imagine it would result in more than a "slap on the wrist", a review of the company "code of conduct", some very uncomfortable questions from human resources and chatter around the water cooler. All very "light" reactions to their "crimes."

BUT what if I told the POSOM's boss that he is planning to on leave after he collects his bonus next year. What if I told POSOM's boss that his family is now back in their home country and has said that he intends to go back to raise his daughter so it's only a matter of time before he quits. All true statements that POSOM texted me. (The idiot!)
Wouldn't that affect his job security and/or how much of a bonus he will get? Like most companies today, their company is constantly going through lay offs to cut costs. Perhaps a high paying executive who is already one foot out the door is a good candidate to cut? Perhaps his conduct merits termination with little to no severance? Or perhaps his boss will want to significantly reduce the POSOM's bonus since he knows that he is leaving anyway? Point is, this A gives a cost cutting company some very good options on how to turn this situation to its benefit. Yes, WW will be collateral damage. but boo hoo hoo

I'm just rambling. I don't intend on contacting the company... I'm just over-emotional now - in that angry/vengeful mode. 
But I just want to know, how far would you go to blow up the OM/OW? Am I taking it too far by getting their work involved? Or have I just entered the realm of being a bat-$h1t crazy ex?  

PS- I don't care to discuss my M or my POSWW. Both are beyond hope. And yes, my son and I are going to individual therapy- starts tomorrow.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I'd blow them the f*ck up.

Both. Of. Them.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

do it, and tell him that you managed the information related to his JOB under whatever moral compass you have, and you felt he was being fraudelent to the company interests, and your moral compass ureged you to intervene.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

I'm always a firm believer of blowing a workplace affair up in spectacular fashion. If you want some help on how to do it properly, just say so.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

3putt said:


> I'm always a firm believer of blowing a workplace affair up in spectacular fashion. If you want some help on how to do it properly, just say so.


TheFlood117 comes to mind.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

You've wisely written off your marriage so there really is no downside to further exposure. I say that as long as you are stating facts .... and as long as you have the evidence to back yourself up .... Go For The Gold. Take them both out.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

manticore said:


> do it, and tell him that you managed the information related to his JOB under whatever moral compass you have, and you felt he was being fraudelent to the company interests, and your moral compass ureged you to intervene.



This.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> TheFlood117 comes to mind.


Yep, and Malcolm as well.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

3putt said:


> Yep, and Malcolm as well.


Hmm, don't remember Malcolm. I'll have to look that up. And obviously wranglerman's recent thread comes to mind as well.

There was another guy here a while back, though... OM was pissed off w/ him for wrecking things w/ his own wife, so he walked into the OP's office and tossed a USB stick w/ a bunch of pics of WW/OM bumping uglies at him. OP sent copies to OM's BW and she used it to bend OM over a barrel in the ensuing divorce.

What a dumb f*ck.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Everyone deserves to know the truth, whoever they are. How can spreading truth ever be wrong?

For that matter, how can blowing up a POSOM ever be wrong? Let him suffer.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Hmm, don't remember Malcolm. I'll have to look that up. And obviously wranglerman's recent thread comes to mind as well.
> 
> There was another guy here a while back, though... OM was pissed off w/ him for wrecking things w/ his own wife, so he walked into the OP's office and tossed a USB stick w/ a bunch of pics of WW/OM bumping uglies at him. OP sent copies to OM's BW and she used it to bend OM over a barrel in the ensuing divorce.
> 
> What a dumb f*ck.


Yeah, I remember that mess.

Here's Malcolm's thread. I started it at his update after exposing to her bosses.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...g-affair-i-asked-her-leave-without-me-11.html


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If your wife loses her job, you will most likely be paying her spousal support until she gets a new job. If her new job is substantially lower in pay you might need pay her enough support long term to make up the difference. 

Most, if not all, states have interim spousal support until the divorce is final. Many have spousal support after divorce.

Make sure that you are willing to pay a huge sum of money for the please of making her collateral damage.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

3putt said:


> Yeah, I remember that mess.
> 
> Here's Malcolm's thread. I started it at his update after exposing to her bosses.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...g-affair-i-asked-her-leave-without-me-11.html


Ah. I vaguely remember this thread. I hope he's doing well.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

manticore said:


> do it, and tell him that you managed the information related to his JOB under whatever moral compass you have, and you felt he was being fraudelent to the company interests, and your moral compass ureged you to intervene.


 :iagree:
With the other man having the nerve to tell the OP not to tell the OM's wife because it was the OM's responsibility "to manage his own relationship under whatever moral compass he has", this response gave me a smile in a otherwise bad situation. It always gets me when the OM is so self-center that after secretly invading and destroying the cheated on spouse's marraige, the OM actually expects the cheated on spouse to be concerned with the OM's marital boundaries and to respect the secret of the affair.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> I'd blow them the f*ck up.
> 
> Both. Of. Them.


As they say Down East

Fvck em and feed em beans

55


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

Weigh all your options, then










*Nuke em til they glow*


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Since the affair started at the workplace, are there any legal damages you can claim against the company? Perhaps you should explore that with a few lawyers and see what their opinions are.

I would think even a letter from a lawyer threatening a lawsuit would do wonders.

This will sure get some backlash onto your WW and the OM.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree with Lila...

You should send the OM flowers and a box of candies (no, do not poison the candies) with a note thanking him for his part in revealing that your wife is an adulterous, lying low life. He as set you free. Wish him luck since he knows very well that she is a cheater and will cheat on him as well.

Then go on with your life. Have a grand life with out her.


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## Turin74 (Apr 11, 2014)

Do it. What could be just a slap on the wrist at times of growth is likely to be an instant end of deal when cutting costs. Plus we are talking about 2m execs on the same project. Ouch.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Lila said:


> I don't agree with revenge as it's temporary and usually comes with a hefty price to the person exacting the revenge, whether it's time, money, or overall enjoyment of life. It perpetuates the anger and unless the anger itself is addressed, there's never enough vengeance to make one happy. Anger and bitterness only serve to keep the wounds open for the person experiencing those feelings. For every minute you are angry, you lose 60 seconds of happiness.
> 
> Personally, I wouldn't waste my time on something I couldn't change. You said blowing up the POSOM at work will most likely get him a "slap on the wrist" at best. As Elegirl suggested, it could end up costing you lots of money down the road in spousal support, should your wife lose her job over this.
> 
> My suggestion is to take the money you'd potentially be paying the WW in spousal support (should she lose her job) and "invest" it on a fantastic vacation for you and your son. Make some new happy memories. Call it the start of a new chapter in your life.


If she's a high level exec as the OP stated, then I seriously doubt he would be on the hook for an awful lot of money, if any at all.

We're not talking about a woman that's burning fries at McDonald's here or sitting at home doing nothing. She probably makes more than our guy here. She's highly marketable, and a judge would easily see it that way.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

The revenge you'll get is letting her go off with the OM. She cheated on you to be with him so I'm sure that someone will remind him that if she did it to you, she can very easily do it to him. She's now his problem.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I'm one of the dissenters, but not on grounds of principle. 

If you live in an alimony state and she gets canned, you will end up paying through the nose for her sorry ass. 

Your wife is the one who betrayed you. There are other ways of messing with her existence and making life miserable for her. Have you exposed her lurid behavior to her family and friends?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

She's an executive. Does she make more money than you? If yes, ask for alimony. Kids? Child support?


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> I'd blow them the f*ck up.
> 
> Both. Of. Them.


If it were me I'd ask what I'd gain from that. If the M is really over, why not just move on? Revenge is kind of petty and has the habit of hurting bystanders who get in the way.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> TheFlood117 comes to mind.


Yeah. You mean the guy who let his immediate anger lead to a divorce he now regrets?

No, I'm not being snarky. You and I often agree on many things. But tossing bombs tends to make things irreversible so that later, when one calms down, it isn't possible to do what you really want.

If one really wants to divorce, do it. Not much is gained by blowing things up except for a fleeting moment of satisfaction.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

sidney2718 said:


> If it were me I'd ask what I'd gain from that. If the M is really over, why not just move on? Revenge is kind of petty and has the habit of hurting bystanders who get in the way.


What?? Since when is getting the truth out there petty? You can bet your ass she's rewriting their entire marital history to support her decisions, and I'd be damned if I just stood around and let her get away with that just so some 'innocent bystanders' that _might_ get in the way get hurt. Would love to hear your definition of innocent bystanders, BTW. The kids? The already know. No one else matters as far as I'm concerned.

The passivity of some people around here just makes me sick. Whatever happened to sticking up for yourself? When did that become taboo?

As for what there is to be gained? Satisfaction that you just didn't lay down and take this sh!t like a wuss. That would be plenty enough for me, and it was when it happened to me.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

sidney2718 said:


> Yeah. You mean the guy who let is immediate anger lead to a divorce he now regrets?
> 
> No, I'm not being snarky. You and I often agree on many things. *But tossing bombs tends to make things irreversible so that later, when one calms down, it isn't possible to do what you really want.*
> 
> If one really wants to divorce, do it. Not much is gained by blowing things up except for a fleeting moment of satisfaction.


Who's the one that really tossed the first bomb though? Her or him?

And which bomb that has been tossed has the most destructive force? Hers or his?

Think about it.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

sidney2718 said:


> If one really wants to divorce, do it. Not much is gained by blowing things up except for a fleeting moment of satisfaction.


That fleeting moment of satisfaction can go a long way in getting your life on track without feeling like a loser. Just read some of the other threads where BS' have just rolled with the punches. Most of them come hear months or years later to express their humiliation at doing nothing. You need to dish out as good as you get.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

BjornFree said:


> Just read some of the other threads where BS' have just rolled with the punches. Most of them come hear months or years later to express their humiliation at doing nothing.


You're not kidding! We've seen it here more times than I care to think about and it's not pretty.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

3putt said:


> What?? Since when is getting the truth out there petty? You can bet your ass she's rewriting their entire marital history to support her decisions, and I'd be damned if I just stood around and let her get away with that just so some 'innocent bystanders' that _might_ get in the way get hurt. Would love to hear your definition innocent bystanders, BTW. They kids? The already know. No one else matters as far as I'm concerned.
> 
> The passivity of some people around here just makes me sick. Whatever happened to sticking up for yourself? When did that become taboo?
> 
> As for what there is to be gained? Satisfaction that you just didn't lay down and take this sh!t like a wuss. That would be plenty enough for me, and it was when it happened to me.


Others have explained better than I could. If exposure costs her her job and ruins her chances of finding decent employment in her field, he could be on the hook for lotsa bucks.

As for innocent bystanders losing two executives on a major project may ruin the company's chance of success. Folks could lose their jobs. Just sayin'...

And by the way, I'm not passive. I'm just asking if revenge is worth it. Angry beta males often think it is because it makes them feel more manly (for a little while).


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

BjornFree said:


> That fleeting moment of satisfaction can go a long way in getting your life on track without feeling like a loser. Just read some of the other threads where BS' have just rolled with the punches. Most of them come hear months or years later to express their humiliation at doing nothing. You need to dish out as good as you get.


He is. He's dishing out a divorce. That is NOT nothing.


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## DidntLearnMyLesson (Jun 25, 2014)

3putt said:


> If she's a high level exec as the OP stated, then I seriously doubt he would be on the hook for an awful lot of money, if any at all.
> 
> We're not talking about a woman that's burning fries at McDonald's here or sitting at home doing nothing. She probably makes more than our guy here. She's highly marketable, and a judge would easily see it that way.


3putt is more than correct. She makes a lot of $. she has to give me spousal support. woo hoo! I even get the house, she's moving out.
I quit my high income job in February to find a career that I would truly be happy in. WW's own idea!!! of course, she was cheating at the time so it may have just been guilt.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

The Middleman said:


> You're not kidding! We've seen it here more times than I care to think about and it's not pretty.


I'm sorry, but I don't know what you are talking about. He's not doing NOTHING. *He's divorcing her.* What I'm questioning is the taking revenge on the OM and WW by attempting to get them fired. That can backfire and hurt others who have nothing to do with this -- and it won't help his situation at all.

And yes, we have seen situations here where attempted revenge has backfired. And you are right. It wasn't pretty.


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## DidntLearnMyLesson (Jun 25, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> I'm one of the dissenters, but not on grounds of principle.
> 
> If you live in an alimony state and she gets canned, you will end up paying through the nose for her sorry ass.
> 
> Your wife is the one who betrayed you. There are other ways of messing with her existence and making life miserable for her. Have you exposed her lurid behavior to her family and friends?


yes, all of our friends and her and my families now know. her own mother and aunt travelled 2 hours by car to our house and left after only 15 minutes of screaming and calling her names. They were so livid, they felt that if they stayed longer, then they would do things to her that they would eventually regret. 
All of our mutual friends aren't talking to her anymore. 
Pretty much everyone abandoned her at this point.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Yep...I'd continue to blow up every aspect of his life I could.

There would never be a statute of limitations for him on what he had done to my child's home and life.

And expose your WW at her workplace too...your already D'ing her so that combination effectively blows her world up too...the only mercy she MIGHT receive that POS doesn't is anything that might make it easier or better for my child.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

sidney2718 said:


> Others have explained better than I could. If exposure costs her her job and ruins her chances of finding decent employment in her field, he could be on the hook for lotsa bucks.
> 
> As for innocent bystanders losing two executives on a major project may ruin the company's chance of success. Folks could lose their jobs. Just sayin'...
> 
> And by the way, I'm not passive. I'm just asking if revenge is worth it. Angry beta males often think it is because it makes them feel more manly (for a little while).


Telling the truth is not revenge. It's simply telling the truth. I've seen these air raid sirens blown many times around here when it comes to consequences for exposure, and I have yet to see one time when the whistle blower took it up the butt as a result.

As a high ranking exec, our guy has a good chance at scoring a very good settlement from this company to boot so that the company can save their reputation. Depends on the size of the company though. We don't have enough info there yet, but you never know.

And again, if they're high ranking execs, then their employment options should be quite wide open on the market even in spite of this. This shouldn't even be a consideration IMO.


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## DidntLearnMyLesson (Jun 25, 2014)

aug said:


> She's an executive. Does she make more money than you? If yes, ask for alimony. Kids? Child support?


yes makes a lot more $. Yes, getting spousal support. joint custody but getting help on that too.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

DidntLearnMyLesson said:


> 3putt is more than correct. She makes a lot of $. she has to give me spousal support. woo hoo! I even get the house, she's moving out.
> I quit my high income job in February to find a career that I would truly be happy in. WW's own idea!!! of course, she was cheating at the time so it may have just been guilt.


Are you on hook for alimony if she loses here job? 

If not I say nuke the sh!t out of her - Don't expect anything big if you contact his boss, they will rarely get anything more than a rap on the knuckles. But one way to overcome this is to run their reputations to the ground from the bottom up. There's always someone who's waiting to take your place as soon as they get the chance, use this to your advantage. 

You might just want to reveal OM's plan of backtracking to the boss / his juniors(this will definitely go a long way in influencing that outcome). As for your wife, once you destroy her reputation it will be very hard for her to ever be taken seriously by her colleagues(women definitely aren't gonna be treated like heroes for having affairs, sad but true) and that's the start of the downward spiral. Good luck


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

sidney2718 said:


> Yeah. You mean the guy who let his immediate anger lead to a divorce he now regrets?
> 
> No, I'm not being snarky. You and I often agree on many things. But tossing bombs tends to make things irreversible so that later, when one calms down, it isn't possible to do what you really want.
> 
> If one really wants to divorce, do it. Not much is gained by blowing things up except for a fleeting moment of satisfaction.


Sid, some men can reconcile in the aftermath of a wife's infidelity, and others cannot. Additionally, for many the line is drawn at whether or not the affair was physical in nature vs. "only" emotional. Period.

It's the same for BWs, though statistics would seem to indicate that there are more wives that are willing to reconcile in the face of a spouse's affair than there are husbands who are willing to do the same. I wouldn't presume to know whether or not the physical vs. emotional argument comes into play here, but I suspect that it might to some degree, at least for some women...?

Either way, I can't find fault w/ a BS that chooses divorce over reconciliation, or reconciliation over divorce. It's the decisiveness involved w/ either decision that I respect.

Also, I've not read anything from TheFlood that would seem to indicate that he regrets his choice to divorce his wife. If anything, he regrets and is mourning the end of his marriage, but the fault for that is rightfully placed on his ex.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

sidney2718 said:


> If it were me I'd ask what I'd gain from that. If the M is really over, why not just move on? Revenge is kind of petty and has the habit of hurting bystanders who get in the way.


OM's bullsh*t comments to OP would seem to warrant having his life nuked to bits. Additionally, I'd think that OM's WW, currently being very gainfully employed -- and in a relatively successful executive position, no less -- would be able to once again secure a somewhat highish-paying position in relatively short order.

The only facet of any plan to bring further pain, shame, humiliation, etc to OP's WW or the OM that might give me pause is the degree to which OMW and her child/children might be impacted, especially since OP himself is gainfully employed and is able to support his son. And that's it.


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## DidntLearnMyLesson (Jun 25, 2014)

3putt said:


> Telling the truth is not revenge. It's simply telling the truth. I've seen these air raid sirens blown many times around here when it comes to consequences for exposure, and I have yet to see one time when the whistle blower took it up the butt as a result.
> 
> As a high ranking exec, our guy has a good chance at scoring a very good settlement from this company to boot so that the company can save their reputation. Depends on the size of the company though. We don't have enough info there yet, but you never know.
> 
> And again, if they're high ranking execs, then their employment options should be quite wide open on the market even in spite of this. This shouldn't even be a consideration IMO.


WW is part of the 15 member executive management committee in her company. She also leads a group of 30+ employees that oversee the operations of an entire CONTINENT. Company is international and has over 2000+ employees.
she makes more than enough for me not to ever work again, if we stayed together.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

> 3putt said:
> 
> 
> > Telling the truth is not revenge. It's simply telling the truth. I've seen these air raid sirens blown many times around here when it comes to consequences for exposure, and I have yet to see one time when the whistle blower took it up the butt as a result.
> ...


Well, there you go.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I'm confused:

Well backup, 

I'm sure everyone at work already knows. I've seen office affairs before and they're pretty hard to miss. 

BUTT, I'm not understanding if it will hurt OPer financially or not. I'm afraid of revenge because I'm always happy to just be able to walk away without getting in trouble. 

Will OM or WW then make it their mission to wait patiently for years to blow up OP ers life? 

I would not wanting to be looking over my shoulder waiting for a bomb to drop on me. (Just sayin')

But if you've though it out and it makes you feel better, go for it. 

I still would like to destroy a boss of over 20 years ago but I'm sure I'll never do it. I'm just not lucky that way.

Good luck, I do like to devilishly hear of other people's ideas.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Rugs said:


> BUTT, I'm not understanding if it will hurt OPer financially or not. I'm afraid of revenge because I'm always happy to just be able to walk away without getting in trouble.
> .


From what I understand OP is going to get spousal support from her. He quit his job so is hoping to get more I guess. 

In some states income in imputed for the receiving spouse for when alimony is determined. So it's not clear if he will get only what he would have gotten if he were working.

But, from what I've seen, if his actions lead to her losing her job he might not get any support. Family court generally do not look kindly on a spouse who actively harms the other financially. 

OP needs to talk to an attorney before he starts doing things that could very well get his wife fired.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> *But, from what I've seen, if his actions lead to her losing her job he might not get any support. Family court generally do not look kindly on a spouse who actively harms the other financially.*


When have you seen this and when did it all of a sudden become the BS's responsibility for her actions? Seems to me she's the one that harmed her financial status by having an adulterous relationship with someone at the workplace. How's that his fault?

Don't get laid where you get paid....especially when you just _happen_ to be married.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

here is a scenario -> She burns you regarding spousal support after a little while..she is just keeping calm now


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> here is a scenario -> She burns you regarding spousal support after a little while..she is just keeping calm now


Get the sh!t in writing in an order signed by a judge.


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## FromEurope (Jun 29, 2014)

DidntLearnMyLesson said:


> 3putt is more than correct. She makes a lot of $. she has to give me spousal support. woo hoo! I even get the house, she's moving out.
> I quit my high income job in February to find a career that I would truly be happy in. WW's own idea!!! of course, she was cheating at the time so it may have just been guilt.





DidntLearnMyLesson said:


> yes, all of our friends and her and my families now know. her own mother and aunt travelled 2 hours by car to our house and left after only 15 minutes of screaming and calling her names. They were so livid, they felt that if they stayed longer, then they would do things to her that they would eventually regret.
> All of our mutual friends aren't talking to her anymore.
> Pretty much everyone abandoned her at this point.





DidntLearnMyLesson said:


> yes makes a lot more $. Yes, getting spousal support. joint custody but getting help on that too.


I guess you answered your question by yourself! add to this also a happy life full of dating night's and you revenge is total


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

DidntLearnMyLesson said:


> yes, all of our friends and her and my families now know. her own mother and aunt travelled 2 hours by car to our house and left after only 15 minutes of screaming and calling her names. They were so livid, they felt that if they stayed longer, then they would do things to her that they would eventually regret.
> All of our mutual friends aren't talking to her anymore.
> Pretty much everyone abandoned her at this point.


Then you would be foolish to get her canned at work. If you can get her to pay you spousal support, then leave her and OM alone at work. Let them rot. 

You've already got some revenge on the one who betrayed you. Now get some money off of her! 

If you have the overwhelming need to get revenge on the OM simply invite him to step outside for a good old fashioned beat down.


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## intuitionoramiwrong (Mar 18, 2014)

You know what I find interesting. Typically on these threads when a husband makes less money than the wife or isn't working, everyone says he needs to get a job and start making more money because it makes him look like less of a man...but here we are advocating him getting spousal support from his wife. I guess I'm confused. If he blows her up at work (I don't have an opinion on this one way or the other) and nothing comes of it, months or years from now she will sitting with whatever man is at her side telling him of how her pathetic ex tried to get her fired, it didn't work and she is paying him spousal support. I don't understand how this doesn't look bad. Maybe I'm too old school but I wouldn't feel right about taking money from my wife for support, no matter what the circumstances are.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

3putt said:


> When have you seen this and when did it all of a sudden become the BS's responsibility for her actions? Seems to me she's the one that harmed her financial status by having an adulterous relationship with someone at the workplace. How's that his fault?
> 
> Don't get laid where you get paid....especially when you just _happen_ to be married.


What I've seen is when a person looses their job, it changes the outcome of alimony and support payments.

Apparently the affair has not hurt her job so far. A lot of work places don't care if people have affairs.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

intuitionoramiwrong said:


> You know what I find interesting. Typically on these threads when a husband makes less money than the wife or isn't working, everyone says he needs to get a job and start making more money because it makes him look like less of a man...


If he was trying to reconcile the marriage he’d need to get a job right away for this very reason.




intuitionoramiwrong said:


> but here we are advocating him getting spousal support from his wife. I guess I'm confused. If he blows her up at work (I don't have an opinion on this one way or the other) and nothing comes of it, months or years from now she will sitting with whatever man is at her side telling him of how her pathetic ex tried to get her fired, it didn't work and she is paying him spousal support. I don't understand how this doesn't look bad. Maybe I'm too old school but I wouldn't feel right about taking money from my wife for support, no matter what the circumstances are.


It’s doubtful that she will pay years of support. He has a work history and can support himself. He’s most likely to get some re-habilitative support to give him time to get a job.

There are a lot of men who are just fine with their wife supporting them. OP made this comment: “she makes more than enough for me not to ever work again, if we stayed together.”

I don’t know what state he lives in. But it makes a difference.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

DidntLearnMyLesson said:


> Karma:
> So now, POSOM is on the road to D, has to pay alimony (wife is a homemaker)/child support and his child is now on a completely different continent.
> 
> Satisfactory karma? Or... is there more to be done?


Nope, no more to be done. Unless of course that is you are not done blowing up your WW.

Consequences for the POSOM there should be. Most definitely. But no more than you'd be willing to dole out to your wife. (and sorry, I haven't read where you are or are not still with your wife, but makes no difference to what I said.)


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I know you would like to see this guys mangled body under a karma bus somewhere but that is not going to happen. You do not want to do anything foolish that would hurt your relationship with your kids as well.

The best revenge you will have is to live a better and happier life. Get yourself in shape buy some new clothes and hit the town.

I know that really does not give you the satisfaction you are craving but it is the best you can get.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Just run them over with your new car she buys you in the D settlement and be done with it.

55


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

I'm not really for or against revenge as a standard practice, but I think in your specific scenario, you should let it go. Assessing the cost vs. benefit implies that any satisfaction just wouldn't be worth it (jun the event of any negative ramifications). 

Your new focus: Living the best life you can while letting her watch - from afar.


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## DoveEnigma13 (Oct 31, 2013)

I had to do very little exposure. She exposed herself just fine. It was good for me as well, I got to see who was ok with associating with her, so I dumped them as friends and/or confidants of any sort. Guilt by association, scum attracts scum.

My best revenge? Bang her friends.


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

I think this thread illustrates one of the biggest problem being in a relationship with someone who has an affair presents.

The person who's been cheated on often puts 100% of the blame on the cheater.

The cheater is definitely 100% responsible for cheating and doing the wrong thing to get out of the bad marriage....but the fact of the matter is that it takes two people to destroy a marriage on some level or another. Unless someone has a real problem with sexual addiction...the fact its people often cheat for a reason. It certainly doesn't justify cheating but there is a reason that bears examining.

As such, the person who's been cheated on often loses the ability to rationally take a look at their own culpabilities in the failure of the marriage and have trouble moving forward in a healthy manner.

Should this guy reveal his wife's affair? Whatever...its highly unlikely anyone is going to care. People have workplace affairs all the time...its their personal life and if its not affecting work, its highly unlikely to matter. And in doing so, he's not going to achieve the blinding level of revenge he wants and will continue to wallow and hold himself back.

It seems unfortunate that to feel like a man...a guy who feels like he's lost ownership of his property, he'd have to resort to this type of behavior when he has kids...but its a pretty commonplace mentality. 

In my opinion, it would be far healthier to reflect on how things fell apart so that the next relationship is better. Also to put the main concern not on vengeance but on co-parenting. Its going to be a lot harder to co-parent with someone who you do this stuff too...and frankly the kid should be more important than trying to feel manly. I think anything during divorce that keeps an ex-spouse locked in anger, hatred, vengeance, resentment, bitterness, etc only hurts the person engaging in it.

To me, it makes more sense to realize that the relationship fell apart for lots of reasons...to find acceptance...and to make the primary goal in life happiness, not vengeance. Especially happiness for the child involved.

You should never forget in divorce that every single time you rip apart your ex...you're ripping apart half of what makes up your kid. Why resort to the same level of behavior that she does? I believe in having dignity during divorce. I've always felt proud that I never sank to my ex's level during divorce and I know my kids love me for it too.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> What I've seen is when a person looses their job, it changes the outcome of alimony and support payments.
> 
> Apparently the affair has not hurt her job so far. A lot of work places don't care if people have affairs.


The affair hasn't hurt her job *because know one there knows about it*. It's just like an affair doesn't hurt her rep among family and friends when no one knows about it.

I'm tired of butting heads with you over this. It's not the first time and won't be the last I'm sure. I know one thing for certain though: I've seen more successes (as most of us have) come from nuclear exposure than what you consistently suggest as the remotest of possibilities just to play it safe. Sure, it can happen, but a meteor may also strike his planet in the next day or two as well. Doesn't mean it's something that should be taken into serious consideration; especially in this case.

This woman is a high level exec earning HUGE bucks, not some cashier somewhere (nothing against cashiers) at Wendy's. Any judge worth his salt would see it for what it is and act accordingly. Also, as it seems to have been just dismissed previously, our guy has a very good chance at scoring a sizable settlement from this company for the behavior that's going on there. No company of this size likes this kind of negative attention, and DLML is in the unique position to heap this kind of attention on them.

I still say go balls to the wall. 

Up to him though.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

3putt said:


> I still say go balls to the wall.


I agree. Nice guys not only finish last .... they get f*cked.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Here's an idea. Don't out their affair at their company.

Instead JUST out the POSOM about leaving after the bonus.

Show them the texts.

Leave the affair and your wife out of it.

Won't that accomplish the right sides of both arguments?


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

Nikita2270 said:


> I think this thread illustrates one of the biggest problem being in a relationship with someone who has an affair presents.
> 
> The person who's been cheated on often puts 100% of the blame on the cheater.
> 
> ...


So what did you do to break your marriage up?

I got because I did not pay enough attention to her.
forget that I work 50 to 60 hours a week and do half the choirs around the house and still need to get sleep

some people do not a reason to cheat and most of the reasons that the rest use are really not valid reasons to cheat
blame shifting and rewetting marital is the norm


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

How hard would it be for her to find another job ?



or 

get a better divorce settlement using exposure as a threat


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Ah, the quotes on revenge are so non ending:

"Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves." Confucius (you'd imagine he probably did not experience infidelity)

"Grind the SOB into dust and spit on him. It feels good" - about 20 million betrayed husbands.

Do what's best for you in regard to your wife. In regard to OM - do whatever is bad for him as long as you feel inclined.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Forest said:


> "Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves." Confucius (you'd imagine he probably did not experience infidelity)


Yes. One for OM and the other for his career.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

DidntLearnMyLesson said:


> WW is part of the 15 member executive management committee in her company. She also leads a group of 30+ employees that oversee the operations of an entire CONTINENT. Company is international and has over 2000+ employees.
> she makes more than enough for me not to ever work again, if we stayed together.


Really? Then its simple. Divorce her and take half her sh*t.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> I'm one of the dissenters, but not on grounds of principle.
> 
> If you live in an alimony state and she gets canned, you will end up paying through the nose for her sorry ass.
> 
> Your wife is the one who betrayed you. There are other ways of messing with her existence and making life miserable for her. Have you exposed her lurid behavior to her family and friends?


Paying for her which she will share with HIM.

Omg.


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## Ripper (Apr 1, 2014)

DidntLearnMyLesson said:


> 3putt is more than correct. She makes a lot of $. she has to give me spousal support. woo hoo! I even get the house, she's moving out.
> I quit my high income job in February to find a career that I would truly be happy in. WW's own idea!!! of course, she was cheating at the time so it may have just been guilt.


I'm all for revenge and her writing you an alimony check is about as sweet as it gets. Move onward and upward. Spending her cash on a woman about half her age should do it.


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

> So what did you do to break your marriage up?
> 
> I got because I did not pay enough attention to her.
> forget that I work 50 to 60 hours a week and do half the choirs around the house and still need to get sleep
> ...


I did many things:

- I picked the wrong person and ignored our lack of compatibility before we got married
- I didn't set clear enough standards for how I expected to be treated
-I assumed that if I acted a certain way, he would reciprocate and didn't take any real action when he didn't
-I threatened and didn't follow through until I finally left (wayyy too late)
-I trusted him to control things that he clearly showed no aptitude for

I'm not suggesting that someone isn't responsible for their behavior when they cheat. I'm suggesting that cheating and other types of sexual/affection issues are often a symptom, not necessarily the cause.

I would agree that there are some people who cheat with perfect partners...I simply don't believe its the norm. Often people cheat when their marriage is bad and they aren't getting what they need.

I'm simply suggesting that it usually takes 2 spouses to make a marriage fail. It helps you move on when you accept that and figure out what you'd do differently the next time.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Nikita2270 said:


> I did many things:
> 
> - I picked the wrong person and ignored our lack of compatibility before we got married
> - I didn't set clear enough standards for how I expected to be treated
> ...


I'd say that, while it does indeed take two committed, mature adults to make a marriage work (and that's not counting the marriage counselor  ), often enough it takes only one uncommitted, immature "adult" for a marriage to fail.

Either way, here's the lesson... No marriage will work "by default". Each and every marriage takes hard work, and if both spouses aren't 100% committed to it, it will fail.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

I'd keep blowing him up just to never let him forget that what he helped do blew my childrens lives up for forever. Why should his life get blown up for just a month or a year!? 

I'd take any opportunity to wreck his life whenever that opportunity comes along. Even if there's a break for ten years and it came along I'd happily carry on what I call slow turning karma.

I've already had an opportunity to blow up his life a yr and a half after dday (last xmas) and I took it with both hands. (Very sweet moment I can tell you) Can't wait for the next one.

I wont go looking for it and I it will never obsess me but I tend to feel if you live in the same town for 20 more years one or two opportunities will come along


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Then you would be foolish to get her canned at work. If you can get her to pay you spousal support, then leave her and OM alone at work. Let them rot.
> 
> You've already got some revenge on the one who betrayed you. Now get some money off of her!
> 
> If you have the overwhelming need to get revenge on the OM simply invite him to step outside for a good old fashioned beat down.


I agree with bandit (except for the beat down).

Don't mess with your best chance to stick it to her on the divorce, particularly now that she's fairly amicable, and since you're up for alimony. After the D is final, THEN you can serve them that which is best served cold.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Nikita2270 said:


> I'm suggesting that cheating and other types of sexual/affection issues are often a symptom, not necessarily the cause.
> 
> I would agree that there are some people who cheat with perfect partners...I simply don't believe its the norm.


:iagree: 
I think youre 100% on the money Nikita.


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

Everyone missed a point if the OM is leaving after the bonus would't the your exwife leave with him?

So this would mean that any major bucks you are getting would be gone if she leaves the company and country to be with him.

So.....
In that case I vote the nuclear option


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Nikita2270 said:


> I think this thread illustrates one of the biggest problem being in a relationship with someone who has an affair presents.
> 
> The person who's been cheated on often puts 100% of the blame on the cheater.
> 
> ...


You've got some good points. Have you ever been cheated on?

Here's what it's like: Take a meat fork and stab into your sternum. Then fish around and pull your stomach out of the hole you made. Now....try to think objectively about whose fault it was while feeling that intense pain and devastation. 

All the blame of who screwed the marriage up comes LATER. Much much later. When a BS learns of the betrayal by their WS it's tantamount to having a hand grenade thrown in your lap. Your world is destroyed. Your mind is blitzed. Anguish followed by numbness and shock. 

This feeling lasts for about the first month. Nausea, sleeplessness, anguish, anger, shaking, sweating, crying.....over and over and over in an unending circle. Then it's two to three years of counseling, arguments, blow-ups, make-ups, mind movies, anxiety, insomnia, depression....

The WS's first duty to their BS on DDay is to do triage....stop the gushing bleeding. Help the BS with the racking pain. Say "I'm sorry" 5000 times if necessary and MEAN IT....as many times as the BS needs to hear it. Take the BS's pain and internalize it, take it into yourself... This is called empathy. 

The WS needs to get into counseling to figure out why the boundaries are so low and loose, why will power and self control do not exist, why she/he was so willing to throw love away for a few orgasms. 

Then once the BS is stabilized, the marriage is strapped to temporary pontoons to keep from sinking.....THEN is the time to talk about the disintegration of the marriage before the WS decided to be a moron.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

All that empathy I mentioned above?

Doesn't sound like the OP got any of that from his wife.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> You've got some good points. Have you ever been cheated on?
> 
> Here's what it's like: Take a meat fork and stab into your sternum. Then fish around and pull your stomach out of the hole you made. Now....try to think objectively about whose fault it was while feeling that intense pain and devastation.
> 
> ...


Bandit, only someone who has experienced that level of betrayal can look at the above and really feel it in their core. Well said btw. Your description was painful to read and sadly accurate.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> ......... Then it's two to three years of counseling, arguments, blow-ups, make-ups, mind movies, anxiety, insomnia, depression....
> 
> _*The WS's first duty to their BS on DDay is to do triage....stop the gushing bleeding.*_ Help the BS with the racking pain. Say "I'm sorry" 5000 times if necessary and MEAN IT....as many times as the BS needs to hear it. Take the BS's pain and internalize it, take it into yourself... This is called empathy.
> 
> ...


Hehe my wayward stopped at the gushing bleeding took back the knife and started opening up a few new wounds !

Class


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

I mostly click on this to see if the POSOM has been blown into bits anymore. Remember, You Heal With Every Explosion. Keep your powder dry.


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