# a BS's insight into a WS's head



## smorgasbord (May 28, 2013)

my husband and i are separated (he is the WS in this case) and planning on divorce as soon as i have the money for it, AKA february. thanks tax refund!

i recently reconnected with one of my best friends from high school, someone i stopped talking to at my STBXH's request because he felt threatened. i hadn't seen him in 3 years and spoken to him for over 2 years.

and i have to say, it gave me a little insight and perspective into the blanket fog-like feelings that WS's supposedly feel during their affairs. not that what i am doing is having an affair being that i have no real relationship to my STBXH other than a legal one anymore, or that any type of cheating or affair is justified, but i feel like i understand a little bit better now.

i was already 95% out the door before reconnecting with my old friend, but i feel like talking to him the past few days really gave me the extra push i needed. and now i can't even look at my STBXH with anything but disgust. he just completely repulses me. perhaps that's partially how a WS feels during an affair?

maybe i just enjoy playing devil's advocate. it makes sense to me though.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Haven't read your story but since your a BS I'm assuming you've been through hell and back. Reconnecting with old friends is great. Just be careful. 

Also there's a bit of an optics issue here since your husband felt threatened by this guy and now you're having feelings for him. So even though he is a cheater, perhaps his gut was right on that one?


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

sinnister said:


> Haven't read your story but since your a BS I'm assuming you've been through hell and back. Reconnecting with old friends is great. Just be careful.
> 
> Also there's a bit of an optics issue here since your husband felt threatened by this guy and now you're having feelings for him. So even though he is a cheater, perhaps his gut was right on that one?


More than likely. Men know men, just like women will be able to see another woman making a move on a man.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

smorgasbord said:


> and i have to say, it gave me a little insight and perspective into the blanket fog-like feelings that WS's supposedly feel during their affairs.
> 
> i feel like i understand a little bit better now.
> 
> ...


The fog is just infatuation, same for the cheaters as in any other new relationship. It's just that when you're not in a committed relationship, no one really cares if you are "in love" or in the fog of infatuation, as a matter of fact, people are happy for you, and you expect them to be. But when you are cheating and feel that way, a lot of people get hurt by it, they are not so happy for you.

As adults who have experienced a number of relationships, hopefully most of us can realize that those types of over-the-top feelings do not last forever. It seems that a lot of cheaters have not reached that level of awareness or don't have enough experience and maturity to recognize it for what it is and start to think they have found their perfect soulmates.


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## smorgasbord (May 28, 2013)

sinnister said:


> Haven't read your story but since your a BS I'm assuming you've been through hell and back. Reconnecting with old friends is great. Just be careful.
> 
> Also there's a bit of an optics issue here since your husband felt threatened by this guy and now you're having feelings for him. So even though he is a cheater, perhaps his gut was right on that one?


not at all. he made me stop talking to all my male friends, none of whom i was attracted to. my friend has always been a nice guy, but at the time he wasn't the kind of guy i was attracted to. and now i find the ability to be a responsible adult very attractive, so things are a bit different haha.



Will_Kane said:


> The fog is just infatuation, same for the cheaters as in any other new relationship. It's just that when you're not in a committed relationship, no one really cares if you are "in love" or in the fog of infatuation, as a matter of fact, people are happy for you, and you expect them to be. But when you are cheating and feel that way, a lot of people get hurt by it, they are not so happy for you.
> 
> As adults who have experienced a number of relationships, hopefully most of us can realize that those types of over-the-top feelings do not last forever. It seems that a lot of cheaters have not reached that level of awareness or don't have enough experience and maturity to recognize it for what it is and start to think they have found their perfect soulmates.


i just don't get this. if i can recognize that i feel like a hormonal teenager when i'm not already in a committed relationship, why can't they? 

what i found interesting more than anything was the contempt and disgust i felt for my STBXH after just a few days of talking to my friend. it didn't pop up out of nowhere, i already felt that way towards him, but talking to my friend definitely magnified those feelings. i imagine this is probably what happens with WS's and their affairs as well. the only difference is i feel like a lot of WS's use perceived slights and attitudes to excuse their affairs and there was never necessarily any big breakdown of the marriage before the affair started.

i really couldn't say though. i just thought it was interesting.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

sinnister said:


> Haven't read your story but since your a BS I'm assuming you've been through hell and back. Reconnecting with old friends is great. Just be careful.
> 
> Also there's a bit of an optics issue here since your husband felt threatened by this guy and now you're having feelings for him. So even though he is a cheater, perhaps his gut was right on that one?


Or husband was already cheating so assumed wife would be up for a bit of extra-marital rumpy-pumpy, too?


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## smorgasbord (May 28, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Or husband was already cheating so assumed wife would be up for a bit of extra-marital rumpy-pumpy, too?


we weren't married at the time i stopped talking to all my male friends, still just dating. probably should have been a bit of a warning signal that he was already trying to control things, eh?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

smorgasbord said:


> we weren't married at the time i stopped talking to all my male friends, still just dating. probably should have been a bit of a warning signal that he was already trying to control things, eh?


Sadly, "we weren't married yet" does not mean your future husband was not already cheating.


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## smorgasbord (May 28, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Sadly, "we weren't married yet" does not mean your future husband was not already cheating.


i know! just wanted to clarify.

actually, he was cheating before we were married. but i didn't come to find that out until just a few months ago. this has been going on for... roughly 3/4 of our relationship. 

me, being the naive dumbass i was, married him anyway after he cheated on me a month before the wedding. i thought it was cold feet. only recently did i learn that that was just the only pre-marriage cheating i had found out about.


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## Janky (Nov 26, 2013)

Sounds like you dont care now because you have options.

Just an assumtpion..


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## smorgasbord (May 28, 2013)

Janky said:


> Sounds like you dont care now because you have options.
> 
> Just an assumtpion..



i think that's part of it. like i said, the "i'm done" feelings were already there, this just kind of pushed me the rest of the way. i think i needed to know that i had options and i wasn't doomed to be an old maid for the rest of my life, and i needed to hear somebody else's perspective on how he treats me.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Look at it from another way, it is forbidden, secretive, and risky, there are certain appeals there to some guys, for others they want a bit of "strange", a bit of meat that they can treat mean and just bang for kicks typical ONSs and quick fling types.

Then you get into those that are already almost unknowingly having an EA that leads to a full on PA without pause for thought as it is a natural progression in a relationship, but the problem there is that although they checked out of their marriage/relationship emotionally they didn't actually physically separate.

What do you want to know more specifically?


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