# Not where I thought we would be.



## wishingformore (Aug 18, 2011)

My husband and I are seperating.. I have been married to this man for 20 years. I married him when I was 17 he was 27. He has been my life...all I know. Now we are seperating....we live in the same house, for our 4 kids. I am not sure how to handle all of this.... We have both made mistakes in our marraige..I am no saint...nor is he. But the love between us was real...it was strong. We still have sex, (we do not make love....and yes men there is a difference). He has not told me he loves me or kissed me for the last 2 yrs (he says 1 1/2)I say it has felt like forever). I have hoped for so long that things would be like they were, but I have a hard time seeing good in the future. My husband is here, but I miss him. 

Somedays I wish he would vanish......other days I cannot get enough of him. I know our relationship is unhealthy....and so does he. But I cannot do this anymore...I know I am stronger than this..just not when it comes to him.


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## voryn (Jun 13, 2011)

Have you tried talking to him about MC? If he's not feeling love for you maybe something has changed in the relationship to cause it, either in him or you. 

I can relate a little to that but my story is different, I found my wife was cheating on me and lieing to me and generally not pulling her weight in the marriage. And after 6 years of that treatment I broke from it and my feelings for her degenerated. My love for her is dead or dormant im not sure which...that's my current problem.

I'd suggest you try to get him into marriage counseling or get him to talk to you about what's really bothering him. You may not like what he has to say but it's better to at least try and fail than not to try at all.


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## wishingformore (Aug 18, 2011)

Thanks Voryn, I have tried to talk to him about couselling....he won't go. Says they just gang up on the men. I have been to counselling myself...he asked me to work on my anger issues .....so I have. 2yrs of counselling..I have a better understanding of my anger and how to control it. Now he says he hasn't seen the changes that I am claiming (his words not mine) to make. My husband has been dealing with clinical depression for much of our marraige. It has been hard for me. Very hard. One of the things that he has asked me to do is to lose weight. Now I know that I am a little overweight but I am not obese. I am healthy and I am a beautiful woman. This one change is hard for me. I see it as very shallow, maybe I shouldn't but I do. Not only am I beautiful on the outside but I am beautiful on the inside to. I could see if I was grossly overweight but I am not.

My husband fell "in love" with another woman about 2 yrs back...that is when he decided he didn't love. I have tried very hard to do everything I can to make our marraige work.....I am now at the point where giving up may be a relief. I am a good wife...I have worked on the farm...calved calves on my own...taken care of bills and children while he is away at work. I pull my weight. 

Maybe its just time for me to let go and move on forever. I am just not sure I can do it.


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

I hear you! I know I need to move on, too, but am having a heck of a time doing it. If he won't meet you halfway, and mine won't either, then all we can do is move on. We have no control over what they do or feel. We can only take care of ourselves.


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## wishingformore (Aug 18, 2011)

WomanScorned said:


> I hear you! I know I need to move on, too, but am having a heck of a time doing it. If he won't meet you halfway, and mine won't either, then all we can do is move on. We have no control over what they do or feel. We can only take care of ourselves.


I am really indifferent now.....I tried and tried. Even after he told me to my face he couldn't commit to me. Even while. He went on dates and emailed other women....kissed on of them (but yet he couldn't kiss me).I am worth more than that. I am so tired of the pain....that I have allowed to be inflicted on me. I can't do this anymore. My heart is hurting too much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nowthinkpositive (Jun 18, 2011)

Wishingformore,
I have been married for 23 years - together since age 19. My husband found somebody else about a year ago but I think he "checked out" way before that. Like you I did so much around the house and for our family. I also worked full time all these years but put everyone ahead of myself. I tell you from personal experience that you deserve better. You deserve someone who loves and appreciates you. Your heart is hurting and mine is too but it is hurting for what WAS (or could have been) not what is. I read some where to think of divorce not as being replaced but being released. Now you will be free (as hard and as lonely as it is - and believe me I know) to find your own true happiness. You will grow into the person you were meant to be. It is not too late. I truly believe you will find happiness, maybe not as you expected it to be, but in a different way. You will be okay because it sounds like you are a good person who cares about your family and your home. I wish you well.


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## wishingformore (Aug 18, 2011)

Thank you think positive...and woman scorned. It is hard to put aside my dreams of growing old with him, its hard to think of life without him. He is the only man I have ever had sex with. I am terrified yet excited about...life without him. It may sound stupid but I am a bit ashamed of being excited. Life is very frighright now. I really do not know who I am without him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nowthinkpositive (Jun 18, 2011)

Wishingformore,
I know what you mean about being terrified and excited too as I feel the same. I haven't dated since I was 19 and I'm 46 now - yikes! I have no idea how to start over and it is hard to put aside old dreams. But, the world is our oyster, right? We just have to jump in with both feet and hope for the best! Good luck!


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