# When did you decide you didn't want anymore children?



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Since not long after the birth of my son, my only child, I have been reluctant to want more. It was a lot of work, and my W at the time said that was enough (she had a rough delivery and quite significant post partum depression). She decided to get her tubes tied, and when I tried to have a discussion about it with her she basically said she wanted no responsibility for more children and the only way it would happen is if I showed that I was going to step up and do pretty much all the parenting (in addition to my current roles).

So I realized then I wasn't going to have any more children - it was not so much sad as it was unempowering, and certainly didn't help me avoid the depression I fell into (though was certainly not the sole cause).

When we divorced it eventually became clear that biologically I was still intact and thus children was a possibility again, though it would certainly have to be with the right person. I also knew it would be a few years before that point came or even being ready for such a relationship, and I kind of determined that I didn't want to be changing diapers in my 40's.

So at the ripe age of 37.5 I feel like I am at a fork in the road. I'm in a relationship with a woman that has a grown daughter and is 100% certain she does not want more, and I am 95% I don't want more yet, but I know that I can't say for sure and this is something I need to figure out before my relationship progresses.

I was about to have the vasectomy a couple years ago but decided to wait instead. This is certainly factoring into my sex life but I'm not sure how exactly, my confidence is certainly not all the way up, which affects libido as well as fear of unwanted pregnancy - I believe it will improve if I was to just go with my instinct to get snipped.

But that little part of me that used to imagine seeing 2, or even more, kids running up to me yelling daddy is still there, in some ways feels like a failure as a man to make a family. I know that is not what life has to be, but it's the only way I end up seeing it. Not even that I want that, simply that I always thought that's how it should be for me.

How did you know when you were done having children? Did you ever feel like you had to let go of anything?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I knew when I was pregnant with my third. I got my tubes done when she was 4 months old. Less than a month later I split with her dad.

I never regretting it a single bit until I'd been remarried a couple of years. Hubby doesn't have any kids that are biologically his, and being married to me, in my mid thirties, meant he would never have any. We had exhaustive conversations about it and he convinced me that passing on his genetic material wasn't important to him. If it had been I probably would have had an operation to reverse it and tried to have a baby with him.

Today I am very glad I didn't though. I can't imagine having three grown kids, and then a 4-8 year old. And I must say that not having had to worry about birth control for the last almost 20 years has been WONDERFUL.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

2 was all I ever wanted, so getting the snip-snip done after the second was born was a no brainer. I told the current SO that I'd be willing to get a reversal if she really wanted me to (and I would), but I'm pretty damn sure she's not going to take me up on it. She has no kids; we're both mid-40's. 

So let's see, I would have been about 36 when I was sure.

C


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Dh and I talked about having 6 children before we were married. We married young, 22 and 21 and got pregnant right away. By the time we had baby number 3 we were getting really tired and struggled financially and baby number 3 was diagnosed with Juvenille rheumatoid arthritis. We did pray and talk about it and decided to go for number 4. A big family that we wanted without having 6. Neither one of us had any permanent sterilizations. If baby number 5 would have been conceived so be it , we would have been happy. We never felt like we were missing out on anything. Even though we started our family young we knew that the sooner we had them the sooner we could have them grown up and more time in life to share together...God willing ray:ray:

I was 30 and DH was 31


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

About the time number 8 was born.

No, seriously. I was 44 and my wife was 42. But it's possible we may be statistical outliers.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Wife and I had both had originally agreed on two. So just as soon as Son No. 2 was born in November 1993, we reconfirmed. and some six months later, I was snipped. 

And as soon as it was confirmed by my urologist, it meant a lot more spontaneous fun in the bedroom, for a couple of years!*


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## johnAdams (May 22, 2013)

We had a son and thought for some time we would only have one child. My wife started longing for another child and wanted a daughter. She became pregnant immediately and we had our baby girl. I said they only come in two varieties and I had a vasectomy 6 weeks after she was born.


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

After two, we revisited the idea again and he was quite firm about not wanting anymore. A third would have been nice - but (shrugs shoulders), sa la vie, that's life.

If you really want more children OP you may want to think about finding a lady that wants the same as you.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: When did you decide you didn't want anymore children?*



FizzBomb said:


> After two, we revisited the idea again and he was quite firm about not wanting anymore. A third would have been nice - but (shrugs shoulders), sa la vie, that's life.
> 
> If you really want more children OP you may want to think about finding a lady that wants the same as you.


Well that is life for me too... Two would have been nice but that seems like not what the universe has planned for me. If I really wanted more children I would know what to do, I'm just trying to understand what it is I really want. Weighing my options I suppose, it's not something I wish to take lightly.

Not having more children also has tremendous value for me too, so it's not as if I'm daunted by that choice.


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## pinkslippers (Dec 16, 2013)

I always wanted a huge family. Then my third was born. 

Let me put it this way.....if my third was the first, my other two wouldn't be here. I love my daughter (she's 2 1/2) more than anything. She's amazing and smart and loving and funny and she has such a huge personality, but she's stubborn and demanding and whiny and requires a HUGE amount of attention. My other two were sweet and quiet and played nicely with their toys. My third? Permanent marker on the walls, she painted a nice white beard on herself, she's had chicken pox twice, she rarely sleeps-seriously, she could go days without any sleep, among so many other things (I have NO IDEA where she found the markers or paint!).....she's a toddler x10. I love her but she keeps me on my toes and I'm tired. TIRED. I also often wonder how my other two are still alive because I obviously have no idea what I'm doing. I question my sanity, my knowledge, my ability all. the. time.

I'm done having kids. Done. Done. Done.


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## hawkeye (Oct 6, 2012)

After the first and I realized parenting wasn't really my thing.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Pinkslippers, that is how it was when we decided to not have more, parenting was a lot harder then we ever expected or atleast assuming any other children would be as spirited as the first.

But then I also wasn't seeing divorce in my future at that point. Divorce has forced me to revisit possibilities that I had already written off.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

I think both need to be in the right frame of mind to want a child or 2nd or more. I applaud those who say and act on their convictions to have no more children or none at all. There are enough unwanted, unloved, unappreciated children in this world. 

Will you know with 100% certainty if you made the right decision? The only thing I know with 100% certainty is that I was born and I will die. 

Oh, and I have 3 and a 4th who died after only three weeks and cherished all of them though parenting always has ups and downs. And now at the ripe age of 62 my much younger wife is about to give birth to a bouncing boy. Couldn't be happier. In good health and able to afford it. Looking forward to every sleepless night.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Some people get that 'done' feeling, and others have the decision made for them by circumstances or by someone else. 

Will you regret not having more children? Maybe. But better to regret not having them than having one and regretting it.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

After #4....two boys, two girls. Then came #5.... @ pinkslippers, I can relate. #5 was a doozy!!!!


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Before we got married, we talked about how many and the timing. Communication and carrying through with it made our decision. We said we would wait five years after marriage before our first and that we only wanted two and wanted them spaced out two years apart. 

And, thus that is the way it was and is. The only decisions we had no control over were gender and that my first son would be born with ASD. 

Needless to say, I would never change a thing about those decisions. No regrets.


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## browneyes74 (Sep 1, 2013)

Sigh.. I'm going to chime in on the other side.. I always wanted 4. I married a man with 3 from his first marriage.. We had one.. And actually, I was pretty okay with that.. we talked about another, but I was okay with one.. he was more into a 2nd.. then I got pregnant accidentally.. 

We had 2, he had 5. Our family felt complete.. he got snipped.. 

b/c of bleeding, I had an ablation done.. I thought this was my FOREVER.. I had 2 girls, I figured my little boy was a pipe dream.. 

Now, finding out that he cheated, that it's over.. I'm thinking.. well, I could have put up with it for a few more years if I met someone that wanted to have one.. 

I'm torn, to be quite honest.. I ADORE my girls.. But, I'm not quite 40. I could have one more.. 

I suppose, if I met someone that we could afford it together, we could do a surrogate, but that seems extreme.. I wish my X had told me he was going to turn out to be an addict, BPD loser in the first place so I could have made appropriate plans 

I jest.. sort of.. I wish I had that ability to have that little boy I always dreamed of.. but that's me.. And I'll be fine without him. the girls are plenty.. But, if I meet someone I love heart and soul, I would love to share that with them, hopefully forever.. And I feel robbed of it, to be honest.. 

So.. another side.. might want to think about it.. You start dating someone 6 years younger than you, this could be an issue..


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

It has ALWAYS been my hearts desire to have 2 kids. I was 31 when I met my hubs and we married when I was 34. Our baby girl was born a few months after I turned 35. At that point, we made the decision not to have anymore kids for many reasons. Kids are expensive......VERY expensive. And at my age at that time, we didn't want to chance an unhealthy baby. We're so blessed with a healthy girl that's smart, beautiful, social, loving, etc. and I just can't imagine having something that's the total opposite of her. Seems very selfish, but I can't help my feelings. 

I come from a large family - youngest of 6. I know the happiness that a large family can have. I also know the pain that can come from within a large family. I've talked to people that are an only child and some wish they had a sibling, but some don't. I love my half brother and sisters to death, but I can't help to wonder what it would have been like to be an only child.......

Anyway as time goes on, I know we made the right decision for us to only have one child. We're able to take annual vacations and weekend getaways here and there, have a boat, the house we want, etc. My daughter has never once asked for a sibling - she just turned 8. She loves her friends and they love her. We're thankful for the sleepovers she has at their house, or them at our house. All parents involved get "adult/date" time and that is necessary for any marriage to fully and happily survive. 

All of that said, I'm thankful to be a parent, if even just to ONE child. I no longer desire to have 2 kids.


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## Baseballmom6 (Aug 15, 2012)

I knew when I was 16 years that I only wanted 2 children. I wanted a son first and a daughter next. Well as nature had it, it was reversed. Now I can't see having my son first. My daughter was his second mother. 

Funny, I can't really remember discussing it with my XH. I am sure we discussed it but just can't remember. He had 3 from his first marriage so I do remember knowing he didn't want many more but as far as actual decisions well I guess I got my way. That's probably one of the only things where I did though.


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## skype (Sep 25, 2013)

We were lucky that we got the two we wanted--one for each hand I used to say. I did not think I could handle more than 2, but Hubs really wanted a boy, so I told him if the first 2 were girls, I would have a third one, but no more. Lucky for me we had 1 of each.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

I knew I was done when we had four kids under five years old and I thought I was pregnant. Instead of that joyful feeling I had with the first four I felt panic. After a few years I was a little sad that my daughter won't have a sister but I've made my peace with that.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Lon said:


> *How did you know when you were done having children? Did you ever feel like you had to let go of anything?*


 We wanted a larger family from the get go.... we planned on at least 3...but if one of those wasn't a







... I'd want to keep going...(beings my Mother was ripped from my life...I so wanted that Mother / Daughter bonding experience...a desire of my heart)....

He only asked 1 thing of me..... "so long as you take care of them, you can have as many as you want" (his words)...... he meant *>>* don't whine, complain, expect him to get up in the middle of the night, be on Diaper patrol , rocking babies & doing bottles.....* I promised*..and I held that promise.... I've always had a load of energy and frankly without kids, I think I would have been bored out of my mind.. Every baby was a Joy, I was so into being a Mom...attending to their needs...I never complained. 

Because we had years of infertility, I could never get my tubes tied, I know it would have depressed me... Fertility, even if I didn't need it, I couldn't destroy it.....if , God Forbid, every child was killed in a car accident suddenly.... life is so uncertain... not that we could replace any of them... of course .....but in my limited thinking of such pure devastation/ the ending of life as we've known it... I think I would try to fill that void.... 

Even after #5...finally...a daughter ....our family was complete....yet still.....I just wasn't sure....I wasn't ready to make it official with the IUD ...in the back of my mind, I pondered our daughter having a sister, something else I never had...so I held off...

Then one day... went to my Mops group .. a friend of mine, we always sat together, she tells me she is pregnant with #7....I am not sure what came over me...but I got all excited ...went home thinking... "We can do that [email protected]#"... didn't give much thought to it... and wham bam... one try...and it took... 

Ended up naming our son after one of her sons...when I see her out & about I tell our kids it's her fault we have this rowdy little boy.... but it's been a good thing ... after him... I was just so thankful , knew this was pushing it - I'd never walk this way again....Even set up my IUD appointment on the way home from the hospital...


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

My wife and I are both from big (by UK standards) families and we both wanted to have a bigger than average family together.

We married when I was 29 and my wife 21 and within 2 years we had two daughters (14 months apart). Then a son to give us 3 under 5. By the time our 3rd son (5th child) was born I was 45 and for me that was about as old as I wanted to be as a father to a new born. My wife being that much younger was not so sure but now that she has reached her 40's (and has had some medical problems) I think she has come to terms with not having any more but as the saying goes "never say never".


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

We always wanted 2-3 children. My wife's post partum depression and the change in dynamic in our relationship has changed my perspective. We have one child now. To be very honest, I am not certain that having a child was the right thing for us. I love my child, and she has nothing to do with this opinion. The true cause for the opinion lies within myself and my relationship with my wife. The post baby relationship we have has been saddled by my wife putting me on a back burner and the huge wedge it put between us has really changed my perspective on having children. 

My wife refuses to throw out baby clothes/toys, very clearly signalling shes not certain shes done wanting children. I on the other hand have gone from wanting 2-3 children, to stopping at 1.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

BostonBruins32 said:


> We always wanted 2-3 children. My wife's post partum depression and the change in dynamic in our relationship has changed my perspective. We have one child now. To be very honest, I am not certain that having a child was the right thing for us. I love my child, and she has nothing to do with this opinion. The true cause for the opinion lies within myself and my relationship with my wife. The post baby relationship we have has been saddled by my wife putting me on a back burner and the huge wedge it put between us has really changed my perspective on having children.
> 
> 
> 
> My wife refuses to throw out baby clothes/toys, very clearly signalling shes not certain shes done wanting children. I on the other hand have gone from wanting 2-3 children, to stopping at 1.



Sounds like the two of you have some serious issues to resolve. Hope you are talking with your wife about your feelings as you have shared here.


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