# The Othello Syndrome and other...



## Ben Connedfussed (May 4, 2012)

I am sure many here have read my prior post and know of my situation. To say a few words about it... I saw changes in my relationship with my wife of almost twenty years. I had suspected of her cheating before, mostly a one niter here or there. But this last episode was too much. The signs of cheating were there. I did not make this up, I did not imagine things, and I didn't get up one morning without a clue and just say to myself, "I think my wife is cheating." 
I talked with various counselors and one stated he believed I suffered from Othello Syndrome. Please read up on this if you have not already! But the syndrome describes a morbid jealousy with thoughts that the spouse is having an affair, with little or in most cases, no evidence to substantiate the affair. In other words, no solid proof.

This is what I observed...
1. Emotional distance.
2. Spouse displaying feelings of guilt for no apparent reason.
3. Missing time.
4. Unusual bruises on the legs and thighs.
5. Increased drinking.
6. An intolerance for me, or acting as though she did not like me 
much when heavily intoxicated.
7. Strange heavy breathing on the end of the other line.
8. When at work, someone urinating on my bathroom.
9. Starting a fight and spending nights out with her brother...
so she says.
10. A strange phone number which she says is her daughters,
but I never have saw that phone, etc.

I gave a list of some things I have seen and observed. My question would be to you folks at the forum here... "What person in their right mind would not have so seemingly founded suspicions after noticing these things?" The things I listed may not seem like hard proof, but when a counselor told me I was suffering from Othello Syndrome, I was enraged. If something wasn't going on, why all these matters on the list? 

I am trying to work through this with a great counselor. My wife won't go. I have to do this alone. I love her, but just do not see why I saw these things if something was not going on. Things are better, but it is hard to fully trust. I do not think she was having the affair to exit our marriage, just wanted some fun. She will probably never tell the truth, if it was going on. She knows there would be no hope of me staying on. 
Again, I am a jealous person. But... I did not just start thinking that she was having an affair without something clicking in my mind, the so called list. So tell me, do you think I suffer from Othello Syndrome. Please reply. Thank You... Ben!


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Ben Connedfussed said:


> I am sure many here have read my prior post and know of my situation. To say a few words about it... I saw changes in my relationship with my wife of almost twenty years. I had suspected of her cheating before, mostly a one niter here or there. But this last episode was too much. The signs of cheating were there. I did not make this up, I did not imagine things, and I didn't get up one morning without a clue and just say to myself, "I think my wife is cheating."
> I talked with various counselors and one stated he believed I suffered from Othello Syndrome. Please read up on this if you have not already! But the syndrome describes a morbid jealousy with thoughts that the spouse is having an affair, with little or in most cases, no evidence to substantiate the affair. In other words, no solid proof.
> 
> This is what I observed...
> ...


What flashed through my mind when I read your post is that first, you have a list. A specific list of items that you question. A list that your W could easily respond to, item by item. Not only does she not do this to ease your mind, she will also not go to MC with you. That, for me anyway, raises the red flag.

I'm a wife and a BS. From that perspective, if you were my H and came to me with this list, and I was not seeing anyone outside the marriage, I would roll my eyes at you and go item by item as follows:

1. Emotional distance, 2. Spouse displaying feelings of guilt for no apparent reason, 6. An intolerance for me, or acting as though she did not like me much when heavily intoxicated.

A. The above items are your perception of her behavior. They are your "conclusions" of things that she does. Your wife could argue that you are reaching the wrong conclusions. Perhaps she is preoccupied or distracted with something or someone not related to your issues. More details as to the specific events that lead you to reach your conclusion would be helpful.

3. Missing time.

A. Unaccounted time? Do you mean that she won't tell you were she was at a specific time? Can you give an example? Like she gets off work at 5:30 and isn't home until 8:00 with no explanation?

4. Unusual bruises on the legs and thighs.

A. Now that is specific. What is her explanation for these?

5. Increased drinking.

A. Also more specific. Is this at home or elsewhere? Again, have you asked her why and has she given you any reason?

7. Strange heavy breathing on the end of the other line, 8. When at work, someone urinating on my bathroom.

A. Is it your belief that someone was in your home when you are not there who used the phone and your bathroom? Any other evidence? Was your W supposed to be there at the same time? Did she answer the phone?


9. Starting a fight and spending nights out with her brother...
so she says.

A. Have you confirmed with her brother? If not, why not?

10. A strange phone number which she says is her daughters,
but I never have saw that phone, etc.

A. Why have you not confirmed the phone number? Call it and see who answers?

I can see that your W is not helping you find answers, so you may have to go into investigation mode and find the answers on your own. Some of those answers to questions involving her "feelings" you may have to shelve for the time being, but I would focus on the concrete issues, like the daughter's phone and the brother. If both of those issues come out as truth, you may then have to re-evaluate your conclusions on some of the other matters. But check the easy ones first. 

Either your counselor is wrong or you are. It really is that simple. Your wife appears to not be helpful in that matter, which does raise a whole bunch of other issues and questions, however, the questions that you have the ability to answer (such as the daughters phone) is a good place to start.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

You need new Counselors to confirm or refute this diagnosis....

May I suggest Dr. V.A. Recorder ? and K. Logger Phd. ?


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Ben Connedfussed said:


> I am sure many here have read my prior post and know of my situation. To say a few words about it... I saw changes in my relationship with my wife of almost twenty years. I had suspected of her cheating before, mostly a one niter here or there. But this last episode was too much. The signs of cheating were there. I did not make this up, I did not imagine things, and I didn't get up one morning without a clue and just say to myself, "I think my wife is cheating."
> I talked with various counselors and one stated he believed I suffered from Othello Syndrome. Please read up on this if you have not already! But the syndrome describes a morbid jealousy with thoughts that the spouse is having an affair, with little or in most cases, no evidence to substantiate the affair. In other words, no solid proof.
> 
> This is what I observed...
> ...


1) Legitimate
2)may not be cheating but again legitimate
3) Can't say that is totally related to cheating.
4) That's is a giant red flag to me.
5) could be the cause of 1-3
6)legitimate red flag
7)That's just weird but if it is from the strange number then yea I'd see that as a red flag.
8) Again weird but if your wife is drinking heavily then you may have your culprit.
9) MEGA GIANT SUPER SIZED ULTRA GLARING RED FLAG. (why don't you call the brother and verify?)
10) Red flag but why don't you just call it from a pay phone?

Granted there are some issues here and I don't think your councilor is as great as you think he/she is. There are somethings on this list that your wife could easily help you with. But if she is cheating, do you really think she'd give it up that easily. 
I think you need to find some answers for yourself rather than just sitting back and waiting for the shoe to drop. 
Why not find as many answers out for yourself as you can. There are WS that lie effectively for years.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

there are too many red flags in your list to ignore.You don't always need hardcore solid proof.Just bc you don't have a video or photos of her cheating doesn't mean she isn't.Othello Syndrome?Please.
Get a new counselor and start researching how to catch a cheating spouse.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

"The Othello Syndrome" just sounds like Common Sense/Gut instinct to me.

One can always tell when their partner starts acting "off" or different from their norm.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

What ever you do. Do not confront her yet just play along and go dark. Pretend everything is good. Now it is time to go into fact finding mode. If any WS tries the "your invading my privacy. Just say we are married and I know everything about you. Plus I accidentally had a coupon for (enter your sport of choice) to your email account on accident. "
The only spouse that needs privacy is one that is bladder shy and that is in the bathroom and/or one that is hiding something from you.
It is time to comb through emails, phone records, there is a link in my signature that will take you to an evidence gathering thread I started. Go there and read through the posts, ask questions, and be prepared for war. I think it is time to read NMMNG and for now start the 180. (some one please post the link to it)
I am sorry you are here.


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## pasadena (Feb 21, 2013)

I have been married for 37 years and my spouse developed Othello Syndrome 15 years ago. during this time I have witnessed the irrational overwhelming conviction of spousal infidelity experienced by a spouse with Othello. Based on the observations you listed, I strongly suspect your counselor's assessment is accurate. Your list is not unique. While they may all seem suspicious collectively. 

By now you probably have many additional items to add to your list to further support your suspicion. However none of them are concrete evidence either singularly or collectively. 

The good news is that you are questioning the rational of your suspicion which is rather unique. Othello patients often deny the fact that they lack concrete evidence. the circumstantial evidence you listed usually becomes concrete evidence in the mind of Othello patients.

Seek the help of a psychiatrist that has experience in diagnosing Othello. You have an unusual opportunity to discover the truth and receive proper treatment.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

pasadena said:


> I have been married for 37 years and my spouse developed Othello Syndrome 15 years ago. during this time I have witnessed the irrational overwhelming conviction of spousal infidelity experienced by a spouse with Othello. Based on the observations you listed, I strongly suspect your counselor's assessment is accurate. Your list is not unique. While they may all seem suspicious collectively.
> 
> By now you probably have many additional items to add to your list to further support your suspicion. However none of them are concrete evidence either singularly or collectively.
> 
> ...


Did you completely match up to his red flag list?

I am sorry to say there are more red flags in your WW's story then at a Communist May Day Parade.

Time to go detective mode.


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## brokenhearted118 (Jan 31, 2013)

Trust your gut! Your god given intuition was given to you for a reason. Once you can discount all of the concerns, you will have better clarity. Good luck!


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> "The Othello Syndrome" just sounds like Common Sense/Gut instinct to me.
> 
> One can always tell when their partner starts acting "off" or different from their norm.



Most BS (betrayed spouses) after having revealed with undeniable facts that their spouse has been cheating say, they have felt this but chose to always ignore it.

I would consider you gather information. You have many options.

Set a tracker app on her phone, or simply follow her next time she goes out with her brother, who is her alibi.

Check phone numbers on cell records. Look for 'out of place' phone calls late at night, early morning, numbers you do not recognize. Call them using *67 then the number so you wont be tracked by caller id.

Use VAR (voice activated recorders) in her car and in your home and your car. Buy more than one, so you can record and then place the other while you listen to the one you replaced.

Hire a private investigator.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Here is a VERY recent thread of an example to what you are feeling. You are not alone, there have been many here that have gone through that.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/68135-feeling-like-fool.html


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

At this point, the right course of action is very simple: investigate the facts. Others have already mentioned this because its so obvious. I don't understand why you haven't confirmed these things already. 

Find out from brother (unless he's an enabler covering for her). Get that "daughter" number and find out whose it is!


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

I just checked this "othello syndrome" thing on wiki.. And no I don't think you have that at all, your councillor is deluded!! 

Some of the things you have listed are red flags, just lay low and see what else you can find out. 

Confirm with the brother that she spent time with him but don't let her know beforehand!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Foghorn (Sep 10, 2012)

The difference is, Desdemona was innocent.


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

Yeah and Othello was kind of "deceived" by Iago, kept messing with his head to make him think she was cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Go with your gut it is usually right. You need more info before you confront. You have been on this site long enough to know the drill, VAR, Cell Phone Bills, Key logger. Call the numbers and say hello to her Daughter. Of course a GPS tracker for the car.

Have you been checking the history on computer?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Ben been gone since last August


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Othello was wrong.
And in his case, other people were framing the situation.
Namely, Iago, the Devil Incarnate.
And planting evidence (the handkerchief.)
And manipulating other people (Iago's wife.)

Othello's issues occurred under very different circumstances than what you described. 

Your would be more of a "Get Smart" syndrome. Or "Spies Like Us" especially the bit about someone urinating on the bathroom and heavy breathing on the end of the line.


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