# Should I take her back?



## keepbreathing (Jan 27, 2013)

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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

You have a lot of sincere love for your wife - it shows through in your writing. And yes, it does sound like a MLC type of thing that a considerate H could be willing to forgive if his W is contrite. 

The part that concerns me is this:


> I do believe we live in the present and not the past, and I have no intention of ever discussing this affair ever again (unless it comes up in MC).


You can't control what feelings may come. You may feel anger at times, or jealousy, or wonder if you can trust her. It may eat at your subconscious, too. Don't try to rugsweep it so easily.

You haven't talked about how the A ended. Did she end it or did the AP? Also, what have you discussed in MC since that point? Have your questions been answered?


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

No one can tell you what to do!
Will you be able to move forward with her?
Will you be able to trust her?
Will you be able to be happy with her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Also, I think this thread should be moved to either the Coping With Infidelity section or the Reconciliation section.


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## keepbreathing (Jan 27, 2013)

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## keepbreathing (Jan 27, 2013)

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## keepbreathing (Jan 27, 2013)

We are separated, so I think this is the right forum.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

I just thought you might get more responses from the other forums, especially the Reconciliation forum. 

Which do you fear more - Your inability to R or hers?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

OK. Here's my 2 cents 



keepbreathing said:


> When I found out about the EA, and told her to end it, she refused, demanded separation and then moved into her own apartment. She had been not happy for years, I don’t love you anymore, blah, blah, blah. Ugh..
> 
> *As you know now, she did this to take the affair to the next level (PA). and followed the cheaters playbook. Blaming her affair on her battle with depression doesn't fly with me personally because I've known MANT depressed individuals who didn't have affairs. *
> 
> ...


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think the both of you are sweeping this under the rug and the possiblity of this happening again...even ten yeasr from now is strong.

My FWW went 5 years straight before starting up again. She now has the tools in place to affair proof the marriage, and that says alot in why I keep her around. It surely minimizes the risk. 

I think your risk factor of it happening again is hight due to the fact that you guys can't openly talk about the affair. Hell my man, you don't even know who broke up with whom. You haven't even sat down and talked a tactic you need to do in finding if you are just a plan B for now and maybe in a few months she can regroup and bail again.

Do you even know her finacial statues is like? 

You guys really have a lot to talk about and the affair is #1 one on the list.

Take your time my friend and see if she can stay single for a while and do the heavy lifting to build a new relationship with you.

You may or may not find that she has not changed all that much, especially when you are not around her.

In short can she stay single long enough to earn the new relatioship you have to offer her.


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## keepbreathing (Jan 27, 2013)

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## keepbreathing (Jan 27, 2013)

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## keepbreathing (Jan 27, 2013)

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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

TONS of counseling, full, head on brutal truth and for me I'd need to know EVERYTHING (including what they did and when)

I'd polygraph to get all the answers too

To be honest with you, I think (and this is just my opinion) that you'd be better off with someone else. You may not be able to ever trust someone completely again but right now you KNOW you will NEVER be able to trust the one woman you gave your heart and soul to for 12 years

Look, if she made the mistake of a one night druken stand I could see a real shot at R if she was the one who came to you ans said "Honey, I really screwed up on my business trip. I got hammered and woke up with dome guy"

The fact of the matter is she lied, lied lied. Then she left for 6 MONTHS to boink this other guy! SIX MONTHS!

Now she wants her old life back probably because the younger guy doesn't want to be stuck with an older broad! Now you're starting to look good to her again. She's trying to play you to get what SHE wants, not what you want.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I stayed, I figured if I can have the same person with healthier behaviors then my risk of a finding a new chick with the same unhealthy behaviors went down.

I keep my FWW and the past 3 years have been way better then the 1st 19 years. 

We both work on our selves as individuals and are now reaping the rewards the other has done in making them selve a healthier person.

So lower your chances of finding a new chick with the same unhealthy behaviors by keeping the same chick with new tools to affair proof her marriage and do the work to have healtier behaviors.

The questions still remains is your chick doing what she needs to do to affair proof her marriage?

Is there self esteem issues she has and are they being addressed? what about her need to be validated by other men, is her validation issues being addressed. What about her entittlement issues? if thats the case is she will to take the steps in facing these problems with in her self whick would have contributed to her choice to betray you.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

So in short I have a new marriage with a new women, it just so happens to be the same women I was with for the last 23 years.


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