# Confesions of a cheater



## mr_confused (Oct 14, 2011)

I am a "cheater"

Why do people cheat? I think the reasons are too varied. I think most just aren't content.

Some people seem to have the world on a string. Wonderful spouse, home, career, family and risk everything for sex, perhaps an ego stroke, or just meander slowly across a line they never noticed themselves crossing until it was too late. I guess there is no one reason, just reasons, or better...excuses.

My excuse...well I live in a sexless marriage. Nearly 5 years now. I've been in an on and off again affair with a woman for 3 of them. It didn't start innocently and it certainly isn't now. 

It's an odd marriage. My wife discovered my affair about 9 months ago. She didn't seem to mind much. She said she would get over it and understood. That was strangely disappointing, but I guess I wasn't terribly surprised, at least I am not now in hindsight.

I should have left long ago. I know to most it is an excuse, to me it is a reason, but I sure didn't want to be a part time parent or give up half my assets because my wife made a unilateral decision to end all intimacy. I guess I could have learned to live a celibate life - I did for a while. I don't know any more....it's all just a big mess.

Anyway...my child has matured, finances are in order, and divorce is eminent. It's all a shame. Seems lost love is rarely found again. I guess we live and learn. I don't regret my choices, nor do I favor them, it always felt like I had to make the least bad choice among a selection of terrible options.

Such is life. I guess we live and learn. I can't undo a thing, I can only assure it never happens again...any of it.

I do feel sorry for the betrayed, especially the ones who are heartbroken. I don't think I could ever betray someone that loved me. I guess one never knows what they would do...I never envisioned my marriage would unravel like it has, so slowly, yet in such a seemingly uncontrollable way.

I hope my wife finds someone she loves and can be happy. I hope the same for me. Mostly I hope my child can see us both happy and prosper. 

It's unbelievable the frequency with which these things happen...I really had no idea.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Dont you think you gave hurt, pain?


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

what are you trying to get out of this? is this some kind of poor way of venting? you're a douche, and everyone that reads this knows it.


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## Anaphylactic (Feb 19, 2012)

cledus_snow said:


> what are you trying to get out of this? is this some kind of poor way of venting? you're a douche, and everyone that reads this knows it.


My Cheating husband does things like this. I find that he wants the support of other cheaters so he can "JUSTIFY" his filthy behavior!! I agree, Very POOR way to vent!


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

no s**t!


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## britney5 (Nov 20, 2011)

Why have you posted this. Is this to unload or is there another reason for this post?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

He says he couldn't hurt someone who loved him.
I don't think it's a matter of not BEING loved, sometimes I think it's an incapability of FEELING loved. It's different. His rational is based on an internal problem with being able to feel loved.
:-(
Doesn't excuse what he did, but in his reality, which is different from someone who can feel, it's justified because he didn't FEEL that his wife loved him, and because of this, he extended that to THINKING and then somehow, improbably, KNOWING, that his wife didn't love him, without considering any other possibilities, such as a problem with receiving love. That's really, really, really, really sad.
OP, I hope that some day you will be able to feel, or at least to understand that for you, it's easier to feel hurt than to feel cherished.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

You cheated 3 times, which makes you a serial cheater. How are you going to stop that with your futur wife of you decide to re marry?

My ex was and still is a serial cheater. I had my suspicions, but the red flags could not be any more evident. I finally got the proof I needed, he tried sleeping with my best friend at the time. My ex turned it around and said I set him up to cheat. Everything in his eyes was my fault. He was also abusive, but that's another story. Anyway, I left the day I had solid proof. I was not in love with my ex due to the way he treated/abused me. He almost killed my daughter and I in a rage just a few days before after holding us hostage in my apartment. I was very happy to leave. I'm very happy now in a beautiful relationship with my husband.

One of my exes mistresses had moved in 3 days after I left. They are now married and he continue to cheats on her. Yet, now it is her fault. 

Also, karma may get you back. You may find the woman of your dreams and she'll turn around and have affairs on you. Who knows what the future will bring. What comes around goes around.(karma)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mr_confused (Oct 14, 2011)

I was seeking nothing from this post. It's a confessional. I acknowledge the wrong in my ways. Thanks to all that responded. I expected basically what was given. 

As noted, I never should have cheated, I should have divorced.

I'm sorry for the pain you have endured. I can assure you my affair was not a cause of my marital problems, although I'm certain it compounded them. we crossed the threshold of "too far gone" long ago. 

Infidelity is usually and act of cowardice. I should ave been brave enough to leave my marriage, start anew, accept my role as part-time parent. I instead wanted to preserve the good and sought the comfort my wife would not give with someone else. She really doesn't care much. It's a little different in that respect than I think most that post here - put in other ways it's all the same - we are a broken couple. 

I welcome your posts, vent as you wish. I was simply unloading. It's not always the BS that is hurt with the cheater blissfully rubbing uglies with people to soothe animal instincts. I was in pain when I strayed, it was a terrible mistake, it was cowardly, and all I can do is learn from it. I did not ruin a good marriage I was just to weak to leave one and I'm ashamed of what I've done...and what I didn't do.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Does your spouse know this?


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## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

I'm in a sexless marriage and I can understand what you were going through. I'm puzzled, though, if your wife isn't bothered by your mistress, why are you divorcing? Isn't she tacitly agreeing to let you stray? Or is it that you now want a life with the OW? Is she married too?

I'm pretty sure that if I ever found myself divorced I would NEVER get married again because I wouldn't want to risk being bound to yet another sexless marriage. So I would suggest that you not jump into a new relationship or marriage until you've had a long time to recover-- if you ever decide to get married again at all. Don't jump into anything with the OW either, because you may well regret it down the line.


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## mr_confused (Oct 14, 2011)

isla~mama said:


> I'm in a sexless marriage and I can understand what you were going through. I'm puzzled, though, if your wife isn't bothered by your mistress, why are you divorcing? Isn't she tacitly agreeing to let you stray? Or is it that you now want a life with the OW? Is she married too?
> 
> I'm pretty sure that if I ever found myself divorced I would NEVER get married again because I wouldn't want to risk being bound to yet another sexless marriage. So I would suggest that you not jump into a new relationship or marriage until you've had a long time to recover-- if you ever decide to get married again at all. Don't jump into anything with the OW either, because you may well regret it down the line.


I am getting divorced because I don't want to live this way. I don't want to be married to someone solely for peripheral benefits when the core of the marriage is flawed. As far as being married again, time may change my perspective, but right now it's hard to imagine a scenario where I'd want it. 

I'm sure I'd see things differently if everything was great, but recognizing half of marriages fail and of the "successful" remainder it seems half at best of them are truly content. Hate to be so pessimistic, but I really don't like those odds.


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## oneandonly2 (Feb 8, 2012)

i applaud you sharing your story. there are others out there, like you, in loveless and sexless marriages. anybody who simply dismisses you by calling you a douche... is an ass. and i wonder why they took the time to comment anyway. 

it takes 2 for a marriage to get to that point. do not put all the blame on yourself


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

I should be your sworn enemy, I am part of the "cheated on" club, but I find your honesty to be sincere and it caught my curiosity.

Why did she stop having sex with you? What happened? What was your relationship like before it went bad? Do you think she may have suffered some type of trauma that may have caused her to withdraw? And the most important questions of all, what did you to do try and "fix" this issue and how long did you try?


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

mr_confused said:


> I am a "cheater"





> My excuse...well I live in a sexless marriage. Nearly 5 years now. I've been in an on and off again affair with a woman for 3 of them. It didn't start innocently and it certainly isn't now.
> 
> It's an odd marriage. My wife discovered my affair about 9 months ago. She didn't seem to mind much. She said she would get over it and understood. That was strangely disappointing, but I guess I wasn't terribly surprised, at least I am not now in hindsight.
> 
> I should have left long ago.


You still can, and set your wife free from you.




> I know to most it is an excuse, to me it is a reason


You mean a justification



> but I sure didn't want to be a part time parent or give up half my assets because my wife made a unilateral decision to end all intimacy.


Ah, so you put this all on her eh? Sorry, it doesn't work that way.

And it isn't half your assets. She is an equal partner, 1/2 is hers anyway. So its not yours to lose.

But hey, the longer you wait, the more her 1/2 will accumulate.




> It's unbelievable the frequency with which these things happen...I really had no idea.


So what are you hoping to gain by posting this? Trying to let BS here know that if they don't have sex with their spouse as often as the spouse would like, or sex is non-existent, that they deserve to be cheated on? Afterall, you consider it a reason.

Because you do blame this all on her. Why do you think she didn't want to have sex?


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

Your wife said she understood and would get over it. If she is getting over the affair why are you discussing divorce and not MC? Second, you had an opportunity to speak with your wife 5 years ago when the problems started. Why didn't you make it an issue then. At least at that point if your wife was unwilling to work on the marriage appropriate decisions could have been made.

I do like your honesty. I do think married couples go into this rut and things start to unravel. I think "most" cheaters are not getting enough attention in the bedroom and rather than discussing it they cheat and then all hell breaks loose. Just my opinion.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

It's odd but I also don't feel the vitriol I usually do when I read posts from cheaters. You seem to have finally woken up after a long sleep and decided to do something about your situation. Unlike others who post here, I do think cheaters can change and become non cheaters, although I don't hear that from you. I just hear regret for many wasted years.


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## mr_confused (Oct 14, 2011)

A few asked why my wife quit having sex with me...

I really have no idea. I think we married way too young, grew apart, yet retained a lifelong friendship. She simply doesn't desire me that way. We both in great shape / health for our age, mature people, professional careers, cordial, etc.....we just lost to ability to be intimate.

The only reason she did not blame me for the affair was because she acknowledges declining to be intimate with me for years.

It's just the slow death of a marriage.

To all those that believe I attempt to justify my affair - I don't. I accept fully my choices. I proved I cannot repair a marriage myself, but I can finish one. I'm not proud of that.

Obviously I tried...I've talked, cried, asked her to see a doctor, therapist, anything.

Judge me as you wish. I've got a lot to learn in life, but I will say I didn't f' up a good marriage, I just failed to leave a bad one.

Even now it is hard to come to terms with moving out of the home and away from my child.

I certainly didn't ""want" this.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

you didn't want it, but you sure as hell had a fun ride cheating and such.


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## suesmith (Jan 5, 2012)

Thanks for sharing your insights and thoughts. Its nice to hear someone being honest about making mistakes and the reasoning behind it. 

I hope you can both move on and find happiness again. 

Oh.. and ignore the venom being spewed into this thread. I wonder if its comfy up there in their ivory towers!


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## mr_confused (Oct 14, 2011)

cledus_snow said:


> you didn't want it, but you sure as hell had a fun ride cheating and such.



 I guess we should assume the standard roles here. 

I'll be the cheater and defend myself and you and all the other betrayed rake me over the coals.

Sorry- not interested.

I guess on Tv affairs are exciting, the cheater and some buxom woman (or ripped and passionate man) raptured in lust, tearing clothes off, etc..

Right. I was a lonely vulnerable guy who made a bad mistake. Sneaking around like a low life to be with someone isn't quite the fantasy it sounds like. I'm sure a lot of people just can't get enough, or love an ego stroke. A lot of people simply want a friend, companion, someone to be close to and I can assure you - at least for me - life would have been a lot easier if I could get that from my wife, the mother of my child, the one I have built a home and life with over nearly two decades.

There is no excuse, no justification, whatever - we are just two people ill equipped to communicate, empathize, and resolve our issues. I have admitted my faults, as has she. I've told her I'm willing to take full blame, certainly willing to here with strangers. Blame is irrelevant to me - resolution is my only focus now.

I feel sorry for the betrayed
I feel sorry for the cheaters

I feel certain neither are genuinely happy. It's sad all the way around.

It's hard to get past the blame. It's not about agreeing that someone is, or is not, at fault - it's just recognizing it's wasted energy that doesn't move anyone any closer to happiness.


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

You did not mention but did you both even seek counsuling for the sexless part??? It seems to should have been a first step unstead of trying a different path.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

haven't cheated, nor have I been cheated-on.....at least not to my knowledge.

i just call 'em how i see 'em.

i'm not here to judge, even if it sounds like i am. i just feel you had the opportunity to bail without cheating, but you didn't. let's be honest.....while in the affair you had fun, right? now that you've had your fill, you lament it. 

and it wasn't a mistake.....it was a choice.


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## Blondboy44 (Feb 23, 2012)

Mr. Confused, I sympathize with you and your decision to divorce. I respect you for sharing this heartbreak with us. It takes two to tango. Just because you cheated does not neccesarily make you the ass. There are different forms of asses as you have seen in this forum. Sometimes being married to an ass makes one cheat. 
Good luck.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

so if your spouse is an ass to you, it gives you the green light to cheat on them?

wow!


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## Blondboy44 (Feb 23, 2012)

Infidelity is not a good thing, okay? We all know that--I think. No, being married to an ass does not "give one a green light," IMHO. But, no one is perfect and we all make mistakes (which Mr. Confused has admitted)--DON'T WE?


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

morituri said:


> Here's hoping that your wife is banging her bf and enjoying it without any guilt.


:iagree:

Guess that would turn him on.


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## oneandonly2 (Feb 8, 2012)

morituri said:


> Here's hoping that your wife is banging her bf and enjoying it without any guilt.


god i hope so too.
would make everything soo much easier. ..


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

mr_confused said:


> I feel sorry for the betrayed


Me too



> I feel sorry for the cheaters


I don't.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

cledus_snow said:


> and it wasn't a mistake.....it was a choice.


Exactly. I think too many cheaters like to call it a mistake in an attempt to downplay their actions. Because if they say its a mistake, then they can pull the old and tired "we are all human" tripe.

A mistake is something done accidentally, or without full knowledge.

When someone cheats, they know exactly what they are doing and that its wrong. Its not a mistake.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Blondboy44 said:


> Mr. Confused, I sympathize with you and your decision to divorce. I respect you for sharing this heartbreak with us. It takes two to tango. Just because you cheated does not neccesarily make you the ass.


Right. It makes him a saint




> There are different forms of asses as you have seen in this forum. Sometimes being married to an ass makes one cheat.


No, lousy character makes one cheat. I was married to an ass of a woman, even didn't get sex. But it wasn't in my character to cheat, therefore, I didn't.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

oneandonly2 said:


> all you scorned people should relax. go have a drink . and go get laid . it helps .. for christ sake ... i banged my gf last friday and have had no guilt with the wife all week


Thats because you are a sociopathic POS.



> it takes 2 to ruin a marriage


But only one to be a cheating scumbag.



> ... just because one of the spouses winds up banging somebody does not make that person the bad guy.


Maybe not the only bad guy, but a bad guy nonetheless, and to a higher degree.

Justify what you are doing every way to Sunday. It doesn't make you any less of a POS.


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

There is a similar thread where a wife had cancer, recovered, but would not be intimate with her husband for 10 years. This thread is similar, but a lesser extent of OP suffering. 

If his wife does not blame him, and understands, what are repliers mad about - sounds like people are just projecting. As I see it, his wife quit the marriage - when one person outright refused to care about the other's happiness and fulfillment. She effectively acknowledged she knows what is required to make him happy and she would not oblige that. She committed to being his wife, but later chose not to do what she had been doing and what the OP and most people would expect. Whether they had a divorce decree is beside the point. She ended it. When one party says I do not care about your happiness or fulfillment, and continues on that path for years, they are the one that ends the marriage and are being lazy or cowardly to not end the marriage. If you do not care about your spouse, you should file for a divorce - especially if your spouse cares about you and would rekindle the marriage in a heartbeat.

I think he should have been honest and said that because she would not try to make him happy, he may look to find someone that does. But when the marriage is ended, it is over. Because you live together and share a history does not mean that you owe the person anything beyond what you'd owe a roomate/friend.

I guess it comes down to what is cheating. Is it the same definition as adultry? Not in my book. Cheating in my book requires a committed marriage, not a marriage of convenience. An example would be if I called my wife ugly and stupid every day for a year, I should have no expectations of anything from her. A conscious decision to be cruel and callous to your spouse (denying sex, love, companionship, support) over an extended period alleviates some of the demeaned spouses obligations. Note the word conscious. You know you aren't having sex with your husband. You know he needs it. Please do not be "shocked — shocked— to find that gambling is going on in here". Sounds like the OP's wife wasn't so shocked.


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## mr_confused (Oct 14, 2011)

hi again.


You know, I get more emotional reactions from strangers on a board than from the wife I "betrayed". Make of that what you will.

Are my actions a "mistake" - seems we want to debate that point. It's not a mistake if it's fully informed I see is the point. 

The problem with my affair, and others I suspect, is - usually...guessing - people don't just decide gee I want to become emotionally involved or start having sex outside my marriage. I know I didn't. I also didn't want to be in a sexless marriage. I didn't want a lot of things I have today, some were completely in my control and I f'd it up. Other thing were f'd up despite what I'd consider concerted efforts to address.

So I posted this thread just to get some sh*t off my chest. I neither sought support or confrontation. Minimally I think I have a different experience than most. I live in a 100% sexless marriage - do you? My spouse did not discover my affair, she was notified it might be happening and asked and I told her. It has been ~8 months since that time and she has never brought it up again, tried to address our issues, sought therapy despite my recommendation - or quite honestly done anything to resolve, dissolve, or reconcile. I get everyone emotion and sentiments on the topic - it makes sense - I expected something similar from my wife - perhaps more - but no - nothing.

I don't know why. I can't figure it out. I have my suspicions. I do provide quite well for her - we have a couple of homes, maids, boats, etc.. Her life is pretty good. I strongly suspect on the whole she would love to retain these things. I do not think she loves me the way a couple should love one another. I'm ok with that because the feeling is mutual. I guess we can speculate, but as someone in it - it's not real clear.

I don't like my actions, I call them a mistake, call it what you want. I don't enjoy anything that requires me to conceal it. But I will also say I don't view it as betrayal at this point. She knows about it, she never once said I betrayed her, how can you betray someone on something you don't share? How can she expect me to only have sex with her if we don't have sex? That may not resonate with you, but since we aren't married really doesn't matter much - she gets that. I think we are somewhat unique in that respect.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Wow, you guys are stringing him up for this. You would probably hunt me down and tar & feather me if you knew my story then, ouch.

MC, why haven't you moved on away from the wife then? Unless the both of you are fine with just waiting to be buried in the ground?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

oneandonly2 said:


> all you scorned people should relax. go have a drink . and go get laid . it helps .. for christ sake ... i banged my gf last friday and have had no guilt with the wife all week.... sometimes people stay for many reasons ... it takes 2 to ruin a marriage... just because one of the spouses winds up banging somebody does not make that person the bad guy.


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## oneandonly2 (Feb 8, 2012)

lots of lovers scorned not willing to hear the other viewpoint on this thread (hi dexter) . . . . 

you miserable scorned people are so easy to detect... you are the one critical of everyone in the office. the socially awkward individual at a corporate gathering. the corner of the bar not talking person during happy hour... 

go ahead ... trash everyone here who admits to an affair... it doesn't change your hurt. it doesn't make me feel worse. ...

hey ladies .. listen up ... you want a faithful, devoted husband.... don't cut his balls off in front of his buddies. don't put him in a sexless , loveless relationship. don't threaten divorce because you know you have leverage with the kids ... don't count how many drinks he has when you are out with couples... don't forget to hold his hand. don't forget to try. to send sexy texts. sexy pics. keep your ass in shape... it's the least you could do... nobody wants to bang a pig. be the 'hot wife' ... real real easy.


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## oneandonly2 (Feb 8, 2012)

3300 posts dude.... 

your deal isn't fixed yet ? why you still here ?


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## mr_confused (Oct 14, 2011)

Well this started in 08'. I could ahve left then but the economy was for sh*t and had two homes under water. I didn't want my child to be forced to move, switch schools, and deal with this at that age. I have ridden out the storm and now in the best financial shape in a long time, my child has matured, and it's time to leave. 

We are discussing divorce, I've spoken to the lawyer, been through therapy etc.. We could continue to do this roommate thing indefinitely I suppose, but now is a good time to move on.

Reflecting on all this crap - I guess accepting celibacy was my most honorable option. I'm sure had I left long ago, turned everyone's life upside down so I could go be honorable and happy would have left me feeling worse than what I have. Celibacy was terrible also. Hell, I don't know, all my options sucked. 

It's all left me pessimistic about marriage in general. NEVER again, especially since no more children planned. I guess a great marriage is wonderful and something to aspire towards, but with a 50% failure rate the "successful" 50% seemingly half miserable....I just don't know...but I digress....


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

you really aren't going to anger me by pointing out my post count, is that the best you got?


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

mr_confused said:


> hi again.
> 
> 
> You know, I get more emotional reactions from strangers on a board than from the wife I "betrayed". Make of that what you will.
> ...


Maybe she has someone as well. Sounds plausible. I mean you're still in your affair. Why do you care what her reaction is?


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

oneandonly2 said:


> ..
> 
> hey ladies .. listen up ... you want a faithful, devoted husband.... don't cut his balls off in front of his buddies. don't put him in a sexless , loveless relationship. don't threaten divorce because you know you have leverage with the kids ... don't count how many drinks he has when you are out with couples... don't forget to hold his hand. don't forget to try. to send sexy texts. sexy pics. keep your ass in shape... it's the least you could do... nobody wants to bang a pig. be the 'hot wife' ... real real easy.


And the same can be said to men, don't treat your wife like dirt, like a maid or mom, pay attention to her, don't take her for granted. Don't ridicule her, let her win all the time

Oh, wait, forget that last one ok, you guys never saw it because I wear the pants in the family, got it 

Like it's been said, it takes 2 to make a marriage work, but it only takes one to destroy a marriage.


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## oneandonly2 (Feb 8, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> you really aren't going to anger me by pointing out my post count, is that the best you got?


not trying to antogonize at all.

my point is .. i'm here for a reason .. once i resolve my issues... i'm gone.

why are you still here ? 3300 posts ? why ?


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

oneandonly2 said:


> lots of lovers scorned not willing to hear the other viewpoint on this thread (hi dexter) . . . .
> 
> you miserable scorned people are so easy to detect... you are the one critical of everyone in the office. the socially awkward individual at a corporate gathering. the corner of the bar not talking person during happy hour...
> 
> ...


Mods, again. What is this?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

oneandonly2 said:


> not trying to antogonize at all.
> 
> my point is .. i'm here for a reason .. once i resolve my issues... i'm gone.
> 
> why are you still here ? 3300 posts ? why ?


my reason is to help the betrayed get thru probably the most difficult time in their lives by relaying my experience, you on the other hand are looking to hurt them and justify your selfish behavior


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

oneandonly2 said:


> not trying to antogonize at all.
> 
> my point is .. i'm here for a reason .. once i resolve my issues... i'm gone.
> 
> why are you still here ? 3300 posts ? why ?


Why are you here, troll?


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## mr_confused (Oct 14, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Maybe she has someone as well. Sounds plausible. I mean you're still in your affair. Why do you care what her reaction is?


I thought the same but found no evidence to support that assumptions - and I employed a variety of technology to figure this out.

I don't currently care what her reaction is but was simply pointing out that if her reaction had been stronger I would have left with remorse and a sense that she truly loved me and there was a foundation to perhaps reconcile. I think it would have been a long road given where I was emotionally and because I had been unfaithful. Things were obviously bad, but upon discovery, the extent of her indifference was more apparent. She was not dismissive, we had a day and half of difficult talks and she was sad. It passed after a few days and we were back to (no) business as usual.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

...and bye bye


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

mr_confused said:


> I thought the same but found no evidence to support that assumptions - and I employed a variety of technology to figure this out.
> 
> I don't currently care what her reaction is but was simply pointing out that if her reaction had been stronger I would have left with remorse and a sense that she truly loved me and there was a foundation to perhaps reconcile. I think it would have been a long road given where I was emotionally and because I had been unfaithful. Things were obviously bad, but upon discovery, the extent of her indifference was more apparent. She was not dismissive, we had a day and half of difficult talks and she was sad. It passed after a few days and we were back to (no) business as usual.


So when are you divorcing?


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## mr_confused (Oct 14, 2011)

plan to file shortly before and move out asap when school year concludes.


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## Blondboy44 (Feb 23, 2012)

I thought this place was supposed to be about help and support for people with cheating issues--both perps and victims. There is far too much hate and vitriol here. Obviously victims want and need support . But, believe it or not, perps are sometimes looking for help and redemption after years of guilt and beating up themselves. There are too many casting stones here.


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## vickyyy (Oct 28, 2011)

oneandonly2 said:


> lots of lovers scorned not willing to hear the other viewpoint on this thread (hi dexter) . . . .
> 
> you miserable scorned people are so easy to detect... you are the one critical of everyone in the office. the socially awkward individual at a corporate gathering. the corner of the bar not talking person during happy hour...
> 
> ...


what a low life man !


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

vickyyy said:


> what a low life man !


:iagree:

Crack is Whack!!! 

PS. A/R for President.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Blondboy44 said:


> I thought this place was supposed to be about help and support for people with cheating issues--both perps and victims. There is far too much hate and vitriol here. Obviously victims want and need support . But, believe it or not, perps are sometimes looking for help and redemption after years of guilt and beating up themselves. There are too many casting stones here.



I was attacking the guy who doesn't even think it's wrong to cheat

OP at least thinks it was wrong and has come to learn despite having some "issues" imo


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

BTW, one is falselead who is also cairbare (or however you spell it) and one other poster that have been banned.

It's all the same person coming on here to look for pity and incite people.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

cheatinghubby said:


> BTW, one is falselead who is also cairbare (or however you spell it) and one other poster that have been banned.
> 
> It's all the same person coming on here to look for pity and incite people.


Whoever it is, perhaps he confused "wife" and "girlfriend" with left and right hand.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Whoever it is, perhaps he confused "wife" and "girlfriend" with left and right hand.


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, it took me a second to register that. It was like a deer in the headlights and then getting smacked right between the eyes! :rofl:


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Please keep posting respectful


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## mr_confused (Oct 14, 2011)

rock said:


> Some women/men can turn it off like the switch of light. Cheat on them and they find out, any love they ever had for you, GONE.
> 
> Maybe that was your wife. Think of that before you cheat on your next wife. Also, try not to blame your next wife for your lack of morals.
> 
> Revision of history imho.


Man, wow - I hope whatever pain you've endured it doesn't stay with you forever.

I don't care to rewrite history, what's the point. I've already said I'll take 100% of the blame, I don't care much who is blamed either. None of it really matter in the context of fixing or exiting. ~10 years of struggle and not keen on fixing - so it's all largely irrelevant.

I'll be sure to make sure I never cheat on my next wife by never having one. 

I wouldn't wish infidelity on anyone that genuinely loves their spouse or significant other.
I wouldn't with a sexless marriage on anyone that desires sex.

I've got no axe to grind with you, but you have a thorn up your arse and you are presumptuous. If you asked any question, I'd gladly answer. I have nothing to hide from you...some random anonymous person I neither know nor whose validation I seek.

And thanks to the other who gave my situation thought and posted something showing consideration to it - regardless of your positions, I do appreciate it.

Cheating is the nail in the coffin - I'm the carpenter here. I drove that damn thing in with bare fists because quite honestly I'd had enough. I accept my fate and blame nobody.

I can also say with 100% confidence if my wife reciprocated my love, I would NEVER stray. I have no reason. She is beautiful, intelligent, and at that time she had every ability to retain my loyalty. I did not fail on the communication or effort front. I won't take an ounce of blame there.

Bottom line remains....I cheated. She betrayed her vow to "love and cherish" and I betrayed my vow to "forsake all others".
One doesn't negate or justify the other. I could have left with head high as a man of integrity. I traded that to remain a parent, shore up finances, and exit at a time and place of my choosing.

She doesn't blame me, and quite honestly I don't blame her. Even when we weren't intimate when I wanted it - I don't "blame" her. It hurt, a lot. She would occasionally comply, but having sex with an uninterested person is as bad as not having sex. Touching someone that doesn't desire your touch doesn't address the problem. She lost interest in me, how can I get mad at her - frustrated yes - but mad is not the emotion I felt.

Same for her - how can she reasonably expect me to remain faithful when we share no intimacy? I never signed up for celibacy. I'm not a prisoner, she knows this. Her words "I don't blame you....I understand why you would do it....I was never there when you needed me". 

Now upon the thought of losing me (and perhaps more importantly my income, handy man skills, co-parenting role, etc.) she wants to "fix everything". Yeah well...that ship sailed my dear.

Anywho....yeah...I walked into the lions den on an infidelity forum....I'm a raw steak...I get it. I understand the general reactions. You can use me to vent, express the anger you have from your experiences. You might also chose to recognize relationships differ, conditions that precipitate an affair differ, a "betrayed spouses" sentiments to discovering an affair different.
It's no skin off my back what you chose to take from it. 

I actually started this thread to profess my guilt and hindsight that I didn't handle everything as well as I could have...maybe someone will connect with it and chose to learn from my experience.

I guess that was largely pointless. Let's get into our camps, paint everyone with the same brush, and go back to categorically bashing. Whatever works, if that's why people come here, have at it....

If by chance anyone has a question, finds themselves in a similar situation, or is just curious I'd be happy to answer...but I'm done defending what I already declared as a mistake which I accept and am accountable for making.


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## mr_confused (Oct 14, 2011)

rock said:


> You traded that to remain a parent who snuck behind his child's mother's back for over 3 years to "shore up his finances" and then leave her when you can no longer can feel sorry for yourself because now that she actually knows the problem exists (you didn't have the courage to let her know you were being unfaithful for 3 years), she wants to work it out. You have destroyed your child's mother's self esteem so much she blames herself for your disgusting behavior and poor decisions. At this point, with her wanting R, all you can do to keep your "victim" mentality afloat is tell everyone, "she just wants to work it out because of my income, handyman skills, and my great parenting." I imagine it was much easier to feel sorry for yourself when she wasn't trying to "fix everything" and you could run around looking for women's shoulders to cry on. I also find it interesting you mention having sex with her, even while having your 3 year + affair. She was just so disinterested and unexciting, it was almost like, not having sex at all. If only she liked sex as much as you, you wouldn't have looked elsewhere for better sex. If only she showed interest you wouldn't have showed interest in someone else. She sounds awful, she should have seen through your lies and lack of communication and known you were cheating.
> 
> I am sure we can all learn a little something from your experience. Cheating is the absolute worst thing you can do to another person, but if you cheat while feeling sorry for yourself, others may sympathize, especially those you cheat with. If you get real good at cheating, lying, deceiving, and sneaking around behind someone's back for 3 years, you are probably manipulative enough to even get the faithful spouse you cheated on to blame themselves for your character flaws.
> 
> Lesson learned.


Right...ok. And now my poor betrayed wife, the one that left for girls trips to the beach 3 days after discovery, is devastated. Yeah, hmmm. The same woman that refuses therapy, and hasn't shown an ounce of interest in me for over 5 years. Poor woman will be left a millionaire, set for life, keeps our home with no mortgage, the country club, beach house, etc.. 

Sorry man, I'm the once that was played here. For a long time. She'll be just fine.....don't you worry.

Believe what you want....

I have remorse, remorse for cheating cause I'm a better man than that...remorse for staying cause I deserve better than what she gave me.....remorse for accepting far too many years a spouse that never truly loved me.

I'm getting on with my life.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

But you have your money and finances in better order, your wife who too earns six figures will still live a very comfortable life (+alimony) and your daughter is at the age where hopefully she will much better understand and deal with it. She will still have her horseback riding, private schools, Europe trips and University taken care of...... Excuse me while I shed a tear.

TAM is not the place to come and self-flaggelate oneself with stories of why or rationalize. You have shouldered the responsibility and frankly put up with a terrible plight because as you said in the end you really were only worried about the money. You talked and begged your wife for a remedy and she just didn't care as long as she had the cars, home, vacation properties, country club vacations and most important.... the air of a perfect marriage..... 

The more I read the more I doubt it was your daughter you were so worried about. You would probably be a better father 2-3X/wk in all honesty, especially as it would be an amicable divorce with you taking the high road. You have as per your own words a lifestyle that not the 99%, but 99.5% would envy and dream of, but 2008 (economy in the tank) was not the time to bale and you stuck it out. Your wife didn't care about your needs at all (and yes what a cruel nasty b**ch she was), and only cared about the money, what it bought in terms of a lifestyle and appearances.

I wish you the best, you made your choice and paid a heavy emotional price for 5 years, but financially all is well......


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

I do not condone cheating. I am a man who's neither cheated, nor ever wanted to. It is an ugly, destructive, cowardly road to travel.

But I can not stand in judgement. There is no point. Your remorse is apparent, at least as much as can be with just one side of the story, and via the written word. You are also well aware that your greatest error was to not leave this "marriage" years ago, before ever embarking on an affair. I suspect that your guilt over that crucial error still burns brightly.

But I do sympathize. What you are describing is not a marriage. Going only by what you tell us, your wife took exit of the marriage a long time ago. It is NOT alright to withhold sex and affection from your partner indefinitely, and expect them to suffer endlessly for your unilateral, and frankly incredibly selfish, decision. It is NOT OK to rebuff attempts to correct this problem, instead choosing to settle into what is essentially just a roommate situation. Marriage is more than sharing a roof together, more than a few years under your belt, more than mere memories. It is something that must remain vital, active, and present. It is a union that both parties should continue to desire to be apart of, day after day. Your wife's lack of reaction speaks to this. That random, anonymous people on a website, even those who are clearly projecting, are more outraged over your infidelity than your spouse seems to be speaks volumes of just how far gone your marriage was.

It sounds, again based solely off your recollections, that your marriage was done long before you took up with another woman. And you are not alone in the blame of ending it far too late. Your wife should have had the decency likewise to put an end to this horrible situation. Why so many feel the blame of ending this hollow marriage rested totally on your shoulders is beyond me. You both engaged in cowardice. 

So it is ending. And good for you both. No longer do either one of you have to work yourselves into a frenzy trying to uphold a lie. Divorce is always a tragedy. But marriages die often long before that tragedy unfolds. I hope the two of you, and your child, find peace and joy beyond the heartbreak.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Good words written by jaquen. I believe a marriage without love and affection is empty and it is just a waiting game to see when it will be over. My previous partner, the father of my kids, I stopped loving him for most of the last 6 years of our 11 year relationship. I told him many times why, I told him many times I was unhappy, which progressed to deeply unhappy, but he never changed. Did nothing different. I felt I was a single person in a 'marriage'. It was a lonely place. I didn't have 2 children, he was my 3rd child. There was zero support from him as a partner, a lover, a father. I was on my own. I even told him how unhappy I was and that I felt that I was on the verge of having an affair. I was worried and did not want to do this. We had both said to each other that we would never do this to the other. This did not change his actions either. And so I stopped fancying him, loving him. I was happy to never have sex again for the rest of my life. Actually, I just didn't want sex with him. We had children, my family was important to me, and I had accepted my lot in life. I was going to be unhappy for evermore. And for some time I thought, and I may have even said it, that if he found sex elsewhere then that would be fine with me.

Therefore, your wife, did not want sex with you, had no desire for you, was not total heartbreak and devastation after discovery, and she 'understood', and so this marriage became just a friendship a long time ago. Yes, you should not have cheated, but I agree with what you write, and the black and white is just wrong. Things are NEVER just black and white. Always circumstances and reasons. Being in a partnership where one is unloved, where love is not reciprocated, staying together for the children, I believe it is only a matter of time before a conclusion is met or another lover is found. We all want to be loved, and when love is witheld, and all efforts rebuffed, the only thing left is to start to find someone that will love you as you wish to be loved (affair not condoned, but if the staying together for the children is as important to both (and it is to most people), affair can be understood). If there was no children involved, would you have gone your separate ways before you cheated? I would hope so. 

I was lucky, my ex, father of my children, did something which I found unforgiveable, considering our situation, and that gave me my way out that I never thought I would get. I never cheated on him, I left with my head held high. He treated me like dirt as a result, and when I found someone who loved me and who I loved, 2 years later, he then treated me worse, as if I was cheatig on him and as if my bf took his wife! And now I am here. My bf cheated on me. I love sex with him, he awakened all within me that I thought had died while I was with my ex. My bf has given me so much heartache, and I have been utterly devastated. I thought he was my soulmate. I could imagine, with total happiness, being with him for the rest of my life. But alas, I do not know if this would be the case. Could I ever give him license to go and get sex elsewhere like I did with my ex? No way!! I adore this man, fancy him, love him deeply. But...I don't think it is to be. I don't think he is the man I hope him to be or that he hopes he can be. He loves me deeply (if he knows what loving deeply is. For him, it is deeply) but he is screwed up and I am not here to mend him. And so, 'cheating' in my previous relationship would have been just about acceptable to me. Cheating in my current relationship, absolute and total and utter devastation. I have never felt so hurt, so damaged, so upset, so out of control of a situation. Though now I am coming to terms with all, speaking on here has helped me organise my thoughts and stand up to his flannel, and my god, he has come out with some amazing flannel. And I am ready to do whatever it takes to find the absolute truth or just end it. I have a feeling the latter will be the case. Good luck to you in your divorce and your family life.


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## 5stringpicker (Feb 11, 2012)

mr_confused said:


> I am getting divorced because I don't want to live this way. I don't want to be married to someone solely for peripheral benefits when the core of the marriage is flawed.


Personally, I think you're making the right choice. Many men and women have sought extra marital affairs because of sexual incompatibility. Don't let anybody fool you. Its not right, but it routinely happens. 
If you're lucky, you'll find someone you're compatible with. Life is short. The last thing you want to do is spend it married to an iceberg. I could never recommend to my son or daughter that they stay with a spouse who willfully turns from a sexual partner to a asexual room mate (just for the sake of staying married).


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## mr_confused (Oct 14, 2011)

Thanks for all of the replies. We've been discussing divorce. I worry so much about my child it just isn't easy. I know I can't hold on for 4 more years until the graduates, I also know this will be disruptive....at best. I guess the best I can do is move out after the school year ends to minimize any impact to school studies.


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