# What drives desire for another relationship?



## southbound

It's interesting to me how some people here divorce and seem happy single, while others jump right back in the relationship arena. 

I'm curious, for those who get involved quickly, what is the drive? I don't mean this to be too complicated, but just curious. Do relationships just seem like the natural thing to do, so it never crosses one's mind to stay single and catch your breath for a while?

I've known people in my life that have a rocky marriage, divorce, and dive right back into another relationship. I never understood that, but i guess I'm weird.


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## Holland

Is over 3 years after separation / divorce for me. I did not start to date till 12 months post separation. Then the plan was to have lots of unattached fun and the plan was going well. Then I met a man that is just so right for me, he was in the same place though, not looking for anything serious.

It just happened. It may seem quick to some but this is where my life path went and I won't be giving up such an incredible relationship. 

I have no problem being single and always enjoyed my single time, I don't need a relationship but I am so happy where I am.


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## Paradise

I'll admit, I tried to patch the hole after divorce and being left for another man. So, I just dove right into dating. Had a few mini-relationships and to this day I feel bad for those ladies. I wasn't ready and I definitely went back and forth on them. As of last July I've been on two dates and neither one of them were what I wanted so I was able to make quick decisions about them. The other gals were wonderful women but I just could not give them anything. 

My ex, she went from hubby # 1 to me to hubby #3 without taking a breath. I'm sure there were a few other fellas in there in between that I don't know about but she was married again within one year of our divorce (of course she was seeing him for a year before the divorce). Thus far they are still together a year later so I guess they are just peachy. Not sure what they are doing. 

This past 7 or 8 months on my own has been needed. I've got a lot of work to do on myself still. My confidence was horrible after being left for someone else. Never have I lacked confidence and for the past two years I've been struggling to get back on my feet.


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## Freak On a Leash

I get the impression that some are just lonely. They aren't used to doing things by themselves and a bit lost without that "significant others" and even being in a bad relationship is better than being alone. 

That's not me at all. I have no problem being alone and many times I rather enjoy being by myself. In fact, I'd be bothered and annoyed by anyone who wants to spend too much time with me. I don't want anything resembling a committed relationship so I'm on the other side of the scale.


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## Nsweet

The truth you'll probably never hear about divorce, is that divorce doesn't make anyone happy. There are those who believe in a delusional fantasy of greener pastures with someone else or the single's party life, but no one escapes without paying their due in tears first. And that goes for the abused spouses too!

If someone divorces and seems way to happy to be single, it's because they haven't experienced single life is such a long time all they have to go on is a delusional fantasy of parties and casual sex. And after such an experience they're high out of their minds on adrenaline making everythig they take chances with just extend the high for a little while longer. Give any man or woman who's way too happy to be single a year post divorce and they'll be just as lonely as the other singles.

The few you hear about that jump from relationship to relationship are ones who suffer a great deal of pain whenever their alone because it brings up past issues with abandonment. So they're often putting everything on their next relationship to finally fulfill them and make them eternally happy, but when that fails they experience the same pain they've run from all their lives.


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## wiigirl

I think naturally over time we are just wired to find someone.


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## whitehawk

l'd like to have someone round for just sort of female
company but- that always seems to get complicated so 
l dunno bout even that one just yet.
Relationship wise , just don't feel like it yet myself.
Really don't know how or why people jump straight 
back in..
Besides , dunno if it's accurate but l heard 78% of second
marriages fail-- thems not good odds. So the odds of
hitting a wnner straight out of the old marriage as they
often leave it for must be a million to one then Don't forget,
just because they're still together 10 yrs later even, doesn't
mean they will be in 20 or 30.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## C3156

For me after my xw left me, I think the reason that I went looking was simply for female validation that I was still attractive. No big dreams of casual sex or LTR. I just wanted someone to desire me.

After I while I realized that I was not ready and had nothing to give back. I still had not finished healing from the end of my marriage. Needless to say a couple of ladies were disappointed.

Once I came to grips with things and moved further down the road, I found I enjoyed being single and having the time to do what I wanted. Got back into some hobbies and in general just enjoyed my time with my kids and life.


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## ku1980rose

Maybe it's the feeling of being wanted and loved?

Although I am very happy post-divorce (my marriage was a disaster from day 1), I still find myself wanting another relationship. I think that a lot of times society (and family and friends) tells us that we should be married or we aren't normal. I know I sure feel that way around my family a lot. Like, "Oh my gosh! She's over 30 and doesn't even have a boyfriend! Is she just going to be an old spinster?" But, I do come from a very old-fashioned family.


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## vi_bride04

I enjoy being single but do want a LTR someday. 

I just really enjoy spending my time and my life with someone I love. I didn't get married to not have that. After divorce, I realize I want that life....but with someone who loves and appreciates me for me. Oh and who isn't a serial cheater...lol


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## Stretch

Outstanding thread and a pretty scary one for those of us that jumped back in quickly. I know myself and I fall in love easily. Maybe it's a character flaw, maybe I have mommy issues who knows.

That coupled with the crippling pain of having someone basically tell you that your love isn't good enough anymore had me more than open to finding new love. Add the fact that I was so hungry to give my love to my WAW that I was ready to burst.

For me it happened as I was doing part of my 180, just living my life do something social. We met by chance, I pursued a little and six months later we are doing great. Hell, I am walking on air since she told me she loved me out of the blue on Friday. Pretty cool considering she has been very cautious with me to not be a rebound relationship.

I am honest with myself that I have set myself up for some serious hurt if things go south. However, my 180 taught me the things that I should have done differently and my lady is the lucky recipient of the new and improved me. Hell again, she is concerned that I am going to go chasing younger women. Really? My junk doesn't even work without pharmaceuticals.

The time is right for each of us on our own schedules. Your schedule is right for you as long as you are honest with yourself and the people you spend time with.

Maybe I will be back on TAM in the failing relationships sections? Who cares, it feels great to share your life with someone that feels the same way.

We are all worthy of love and happiness,
Stretch


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## Paradise

KU, my family is very old-fashioned as well. I grew up on a farm and in a very small community and divorce use to be a foreign thing but now every time I go back home my dad tells me stories of people divorcing. It's crazy!


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## Stretch

Nsweet said:


> The truth you'll probably never hear about divorce, is that divorce doesn't make anyone happy. There are those who believe in a delusional fantasy of greener pastures with someone else or the single's party life, but no one escapes without paying their due in tears first. And that goes for the abused spouses too!


TO YOUR POINT: I got in a pi$$ing match on [email protected] because some miserable spoiled brat penned an article about being a "semi-happy housewife" basically telling the rest of the "O" house fraus to consider leaving their husbands for leaving shoes in the middle of the room. Reckless in my mind to say the least, but to your point there are shallow people out there who do not understand the destruction of that kind of thinking.

Now I am fuming,
Stretch


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## legiox

I don't like being alone. Being divorced at 29 still gives me plenty of time to find someone right for me. I have been there and got the t-shirts with partying and just overall living the single lifestyle. I'm ready to settle down and raise a family with a great woman. I don't want to be raising kids when im 50.....


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## ScarletBegonias

We were sleeping in separate bedrooms and living separate lives for over a year before we filed any paperwork and I moved out.
I was dating a short while later after I got settled into my new place and got used to my new routine.
It didn't seem unnatural so I simply went with it.

I think in a lot of cases,the dynamic is similar to what was going on with me.We were basically roommates for the year and few months before I moved out.I didn't feel like the break up was fresh at all.


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## maincourse99

_The few you hear about that jump from relationship to relationship are ones who suffer a great deal of pain whenever their alone because it brings up past issues with abandonment. So they're often putting everything on their next relationship to finally fulfill them and make them eternally happy, but when that fails they experience the same pain they've run from all their lives._

So true. So many cheaters leave thinking the AP will be the one to fill the void. What they should be doing (provided there's no abuse) is staying and putting the effort into their marriage and looking inward so they can make THEMSELVES happy and not be looking to another person (spouse included) to make them happy. 

Cheating was never an option for me, but I do see where I relied way too much on my ex to make me feel happy and fulfilled. I want to learn to be happy on my own, and not get into a relationship until I've achieved that.


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## whitehawk

I do really miss my marriage and my family and that feeling might drive me to something new. Except I still could not imagine something new and besides , thay reckon 78% of second marriages fail anyway so !
I'm still workin all this [email protected] out !


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## Freak On a Leash

ku1980rose said:


> Maybe it's the feeling of being wanted and loved?
> 
> Although I am very happy post-divorce (my marriage was a disaster from day 1), I still find myself wanting another relationship. I think that a lot of times society (and family and friends) tells us that we should be married or we aren't normal.



Well I wasn't wanted or loved in 23 years of marriage so I guess I've gotten used to the status quo. Better to be alone then unloved and unwanted. 

"Normal?" :wtf: What is THAT? I've never been normal. Never will be. :rofl:

"Anything but Ordinary", to quote Avril Lavigne. 

Avril Lavigne- Anything But Ordinary Lyrics - YouTube


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## Holland

Freak On a Leash said:


> Well I wasn't wanted or loved in 23 years of marriage so I guess I've gotten used to the status quo. *Better to be alone then unloved and unwanted. *
> 
> "Normal?" :wtf: What is THAT? I've never been normal. Never will be. :rofl:
> 
> "Anything but Ordinary", to quote Avril Lavigne.
> 
> Avril Lavigne- Anything But Ordinary Lyrics - YouTube


Amen to that. There is nothing so horrible than being lonely in a marriage.

I would much rather be single forever than be in a lonely marriage, never will this be my life again.

The high divorce rate for second marriages doesn't not scare me at all. I spent a good 12 months solo post separation on working on myself, reading and learning what the hell had happened. 
Now in this relationship we work together as a team to get past whatever life throws at us. Two middle aged people with huge histories to overcome but we manage to do it just fine.

We also have very set ground rules around our respective children and the blending of everyone involved. The biggest reason for second marriage breakdown is around child related issues. People rush in too quickly.

Unless you have learnt what your past mistakes were and taken full responsibility for your own part in the marriage breakdown then it is not prudent to get into a new relationship.


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## Freak On a Leash

Holland said:


> Amen to that. There is nothing so horrible than being lonely in a marriage.
> 
> I would much rather be single forever than be in a lonely marriage, never will this be my life again..


:iagree: I will say that it taught me one thing: To do things on my own. Not to depend on someone else. To keep myself occupied and to be content in my own company. 

It's a good way to be. Then you are truly free.


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## nosmallchoice

I don't need anyone or have ever relied on anyone, have always been independent. I even react if I feel too smothered by a partner, and that has previously almost cost me my marriage when my STBXH was attached at the hip. 

I just miss the connection and friendship of a partner. I miss sharing my day and having someone that is genuinely interested in sharing theirs with me. That is why I am choosing to be socially dating at this time - nothing serious, but nice to meet new people.


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## Forever Changed

Freak On a Leash said:


> :iagree: I will say that it taught me one thing: To do things on my own. Not to depend on someone else. To keep myself occupied and to be content in my own company.
> 
> It's a good way to be. Then you are truly free.


Well said, FOAL, well said.

I would just like some positive female company to go out for a coffee or meal etc etc.

I jumped in a pursued a few girls and not even divorced yet. One especially I had my heart set on. 

The desire I guess for me was, and I hate to admit it, to place my happiness in someone else. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Yes, when you can be on your own, truly happy within yourself, knowing that you are ALL alone in this world and be content.

Indeed then, you are free.


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## survivorwife

From Alfred Lord Tennyson's poem In Memoriam:27, 1850:

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

There is no stigma to being Divorced anymore, and any future partner that would interest me would be someone who went through a similar experience as my own. The experience, if nothing else, builds character.

So, while I may not be interested in getting married again, I do look forward to the companionship of someone with a similar history. I would rather date a Divorced man than a man who was never married and had no children.


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## muskrat

I am not in any hurry for a relationship, heck I am pretty sure I never want to get married again. I do miss feeling wanted and desired. My ex was also my best friend and through our divorce I also lost almost all my friends, so I do get lonely. I think about wanting a relationship, but then realize I do not really have the time. I am dedicated to my children and on the days their mother has them I pursue my hobbies. However at the end of the day I would like to have someone to do things with and sex would be nice. 
Geez, I'm a mess. :rofl: I have no idea what I want.:scratchhead:


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## Dedicated2Her

I really think the "driver" depends on what you are looking for in life. For me, I want to have fun, and enjoy everyone in my life while pursuing my hobbies. It just so happens that the girl I am dating has the same hobbies. So, we do them together. My ex was never the outdoorsy type. The girl I am dating now....We go kayaking, hiking, camping, running obstacle courses, crossfit, frisbee golf, etc. We are always on the go doing something. 

Having a positive person who shares a zeal for life is what led me into the relationship. It's like having a cake. The cake is your life, but the icing is a special person to share it with. If she became the cake, I would have to reevaluate. But, she isn't, she is just the icing. Makes things that much better.


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## GinnyTonia

muskrat said:


> I am not in any hurry for a relationship, heck I am pretty sure I never want to get married again. I do miss feeling wanted and desired. My ex was also my best friend and through our divorce I also lost almost all my friends, so I do get lonely. I think about wanting a relationship, but then realize I do not really have the time. I am dedicated to my children and on the days their mother has them I pursue my hobbies. However at the end of the day I would like to have someone to do things with and sex would be nice.
> Geez, I'm a mess. :rofl: I have no idea what I want.:scratchhead:


Warning: this is EXACTLY my situation and how I felt. I went on a dating site trying to find one person who could go have fun a couple times a month and who was a freak in the sheets. Wellll... I found him, he was amazing, and now I'm blue again because I didn't break it off when I saw it morph into a serious relationship. 

My drive was carnal, but my boundaries were broken because of... thinking I had found someone worth tearing down walls for.


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## Nicodemus

Getting back to the OP's original question:



southbound said:


> I'm curious, for those who get involved quickly, what is the drive? I don't mean this to be too complicated, but just curious. Do relationships just seem like the natural thing to do, so it never crosses one's mind to stay single and catch your breath for a while?


One model of human behavior which, I think, answers the above question relatively well is the notion that there are three basic, "instinctual" orientations that we all must adopt as social, reproducing human beings. These were codified by Oscar Ichazo as part of the Enneagram system of personality profiling, a system that I personally do NOT accept as a mystical or numerological system, but within which I do find some pragmatic usefulness, nonetheless.

In this system, or model, there are three basic drives, or orientations that we all possess to varying degrees. The first orientation is towards oneself, called the *"self-preservation" or "self" instinct*, in which one focuses upon one's own comfort, security, and interests. The second is towards a significant other, called the *"sexual" or "couple" instinct*, in which one focuses upon one's partner/mate both with respect to quality time and intimacy, and the third orientation is towards one's group or tribe, called the *"social" instinct*, in which one focuses on social activities, interactions, and one's place within the community (micro or macro).

According to the theory, each of us has one of these three orientations as our primary orientation. This is the activity that we find most and almost always "energizing": for the self oriented person, this is achieved during alone time and in setting up one's 'nest' and security; for the couple oriented person, this is achieved when they are interacting with their significant other; and for the the social oriented person, this is achieved when they are interacting with their group/tribe. Each of us also has one of these orientations as our secondary orientation, which can be either energizing for us OR draining for us, depending upon the situation -- too much time spent in the secondary orientation and not enough in the primary will tend to make it rather draining. And finally, there will be a tertiary orientation, which will always be a draining situation or exercise for us. Note that you can still **enjoy** engaging in your tertiary orientation, but it will take effort and will always be somewhat draining for you over time.

The above features create *six* general orientation types, sometimes called "instinctual subtype stackings":

Two self-preservation stackings (primary/secondary):
* self/couple
* self/social

Two sexual/couple stackings (primary/secondary):
* couple/self
* couple/social

Two social stackings (primary/secondary):
* social/self
* social/couple

None off these subtype stackings are better or superior to the others, and every well-adjusted person can engage in all three orientations comfortably. However, we do each tend to be *most* comfortable engaging in our primary orientation (it's where we "recharge our batteries" and feel most satisfied), and somewhat less so engaging in the other two, particularly our tertiary orientation, which will always take a concerted effort to engage in.

Hence why those like the OP (who apparently aren't primarily couple oriented -- and yes, that's just my guess) will shake their head at those who feel driven to find another relationship within a relatively short amount of time; while those who thrive in the intensity of a relationship will shake their heads at those who would feel smothered in an intensely close relationship. There are simply different primary orientations at play here, depending upon the person.

I've also found this model to be a rather useful predictor of compatibility within a couple. We are all best off finding someone with our own primary orientation: the second and third can vary, but the same primary orientation is highly important for a good match.

-- N.


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## Freak On a Leash

GinnyTonia said:


> Warning: this is EXACTLY my situation and how I felt. I went on a dating site trying to find one person who could go have fun a couple times a month and who was a freak in the sheets. Wellll... I found him, he was amazing, and now I'm blue again because I didn't break it off when I saw it morph into a serious relationship.


A friend with benefits who broke the rules. :slap: So not cool.


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## dream_weaver

I left my exH & started a new relationship with someone I just met....for me my ex was a gambler & I had checked out of the marriage a few yrs earlier but was trying to hold on to my marriage but all of a sudden I couldn't bear the thought of living my life like that anymore. I met my new partner & ended my marriage straight away but not because I wanted to be with this person but if I felt feelings for someone else I had nothing left for my husband.

I am 1.5yrs down the track still with the man that I had feelings for but took it very slow & due to having kids it could'nt have gone faster which is good. He started working away a few months later which makes it feel like haven't jumped in too quickly,he's away working 3 weeks out of 4 & I am very independant & treasure having time to myself & with my children. We moved in together not that long ago which really just makes things easier when he's home...I work so I contribute half of the bills as I never wanted to be in a position to have to be dependant on a man & if it did'nt work out with us I could easily pick up & move on. He was more emotionally invested in the beginning where I was being more cautious & not 100% sure where it would take us.

So I now get when people to start new relationships early on after separating because they may have checked out a long time ago....I never could fathom myself doing this but this is how it's turned out & a friend of mine reunited with an old flame quite soon after leaving her ex & I get it now...FWIW he was a gambler also.


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## Nsweet

You just admitted to being an adulterer. Watch out! Because heartbroken and betrayed TAM members love nothing more than getting into a flame war and telling you off.


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## Freak On a Leash

Nsweet said:


> You just admitted to being an adulterer. Watch out! Because heartbroken and betrayed TAM members love nothing more than getting into a flame war and telling you off.


She's a woman so she won't get half as much grief as if she were a man. 

Sound fairly OK to me. She met someone else, realized that she wasn't in love with her husband and got divorced. Standard operating procedure. I'm not seeing that she DID anything with her new man, just that she had feelings for him.


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## Nsweet

No she didn't do anything hurtful like string her husband along while she cake ate with both men. But the freshly betrayed new members here may not see that kind of reasoning.


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## Freak On a Leash

A lot of my divorced female friends are indeed guilty of carrying that kind of rage due to the fact that their husbands cheated on them and it ended their marriages. I don't tend to discuss this stuff with them but rather just listen. 

There's no reasoning with someone who has been hurt or betrayed this deeply. They are entitled to their rage and who am I, someone who hasn't felt the sting of adultery, to argue with them or deny them that? 

We all have our respective burdens and baggage that we carry around. It's part of what makes us human. There's a lot of pain in the various threads and posts here and most people are here BECAUSE of their bad circumstances. You don't see too many thread saying "I'm happily married, my spouse is the BEST EVER, etc, etc. They are out there but are definitely in the minority. 

I think the pain of being in a toxic relationship, of love that has been lost and the end of a marriage is indeed one that cuts deepest of all, right the core of us all.


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## dream_weaver

I don't mind if people call me an adulterer...I know I am not & did not embark on a relationship while I was still married.FWIW I was with my husband for 20yrs! I tried to save our marriage but I couldn't stop the gambling addiction he had....I should have left earlier but had all the promises things would change then I just realised it never was & I only supressed it in him by taking charge of the bills & repaying the debt he put us in & restored our credit....I had moved on in my heart & mind but did not realise until I had feelings elsewhere...I did not set out to meet anyone, 20yrs & I had never thought outside my marriage until that point.


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## whitehawk

I can't do the cas sex thing , never feels good to me unless a one nighter just happened from parties or something.

For me though now too , after being use to the depth of 18yrs behind it with my x, couldn't be with just anyone right now.
Nothin really happened with that beach house chick either in that way , we mainly just talked heaps and partied . She would have and she was built but the last thing I needed was to be thinking from below at a time like this.
That's another problem with somem casual for me , once I start I'll keep it going back just for the sex , don't want that . Rather be using my brains right now lifes been hard enough as it is.


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## Mandia99508

It's been almost 3 years since my divorce. I've dated a few men, nothing serious. Nothing long term. Most never got beyond the first date. Those that did were gone from my life in less than a month. For the last year I have been 100% celibate. No dates, no men, no drive to change. I am a serial spinster, so to speak. 

I've recently turned 30, and have changed a lot in the last year. The best way to explain how I've coped it to say I carry with me what I call a "shield". Obviously it's not physically present however it is certainly mentally and emotionally present. Now it is definitely sexually present. I have no need nor desire to remove it. However, because of it, I've grown extremely antisocial. 

Seven months ago I was incredibly social. Predictably even. There wasn't a night of the week I would stay in if I knew there was something going on. Granted I was single and had nothing holding me down at home.

My life beckoned me to get sober and stay healthy. The people I work with have watched me go through this huge transformation from everybody's favorite party girl, to someone who doesn't a story to tell about the night before.

It's beautiful being comfortable in your insensate single state. No drama, no problems. No cares, no commitments. I can go on vacation and do exactly what I want to do when I want to do it. I can wake up when I want to. I can shop for the things I want, and never worry about obligations to anyone else's plans. 

Many might think I'm missing out on some great thing, this "love stuff" and that my apathy is wasting my life. But I feel great. I'm happy and successful, and I don't need to share things with someone to feel validated. 

I am alone, but far from lonely. I love watching romance movies and stupid love reality shows, however when I sit down and listen to another female complaining about her marriage I am so glad that I am neither in a relationship, nor plan to join one. 

I hate to say the words "forever" because it is impossible to know what the future holds, but for me, I'm done. I've turned off my heart's switch, and I have no idea if I even know how to turn it back on. Maybe that is someone else's job. Who knows, but for now "down with love!"


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## Mandia99508

survivorwife said:


> So, while I may not be interested in getting married again, I do look forward to the companionship of someone with a similar history. I would rather date a Divorced man than a man who was never married and had no children.



So now what if the man is divorced... and was the cheating scumbag? Sorry to be so cynical, it's just that I feel that this information wouldn't exactly be something that any man would ever want to disclose.


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## Holland

Not everyone is a cheater or had issues with a spouse cheating.

I agree with survivorwife, it was very important to me to only date divorced men because I want to be with a man that understands divorce, life after divorce, kids issues etc.


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## Mandia99508

Holland said:


> Not everyone is a cheater or had issues with a spouse cheating.
> 
> I agree with survivorwife, it was very important to me to only date divorced men because I want to be with a man that understands divorce, life after divorce, kids issues etc.


I can respect both of you feeling this way. It would be nice to meet a man who has the utmost understanding for what we've been through. I obviously have a very hard time with trust. To be betrayed by the one person you've loved most in your life is a difficult thing to get over. I for one have been moved on for 3 years and still see no future for me in a relationship with another man, divorced or otherwise.


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## whitehawk

Mandia99508 said:


> It's been almost 3 years since my divorce. I've dated a few men, nothing serious. Nothing long term. Most never got beyond the first date. Those that did were gone from my life in less than a month. For the last year I have been 100% celibate. No dates, no men, no drive to change. I am a serial spinster, so to speak.
> 
> I've recently turned 30, and have changed a lot in the last year. The best way to explain how I've coped it to say I carry with me what I call a "shield". Obviously it's not physically present however it is certainly mentally and emotionally present. Now it is definitely sexually present. I have no need nor desire to remove it. However, because of it, I've grown extremely antisocial.
> 
> Seven months ago I was incredibly social. Predictably even. There wasn't a night of the week I would stay in if I knew there was something going on. Granted I was single and had nothing holding me down at home.
> 
> My life beckoned me to get sober and stay healthy. The people I work with have watched me go through this huge transformation from everybody's favorite party girl, to someone who doesn't a story to tell about the night before.
> 
> It's beautiful being comfortable in your insensate single state. No drama, no problems. No cares, no commitments. I can go on vacation and do exactly what I want to do when I want to do it. I can wake up when I want to. I can shop for the things I want, and never worry about obligations to anyone else's plans.
> 
> Many might think I'm missing out on some great thing, this "love stuff" and that my apathy is wasting my life. But I feel great. I'm happy and successful, and I don't need to share things with someone to feel validated.
> 
> I am alone, but far from lonely. I love watching romance movies and stupid love reality shows, however when I sit down and listen to another female complaining about her marriage I am so glad that I am neither in a relationship, nor plan to join one.
> 
> I hate to say the words "forever" because it is impossible to know what the future holds, but for me, I'm done. I've turned off my heart's switch, and I have no idea if I even know how to turn it back on. Maybe that is someone else's job. Who knows, but for now "down with love!"



I'm having a beer with some friends the other week , they've only been together 4yrs.
It was funny really . A bit of a spat started with them and I thought hmm , for once I don't have to give a damn , the joys of togetherness aren't my worry right now. Gotta admit , that was kinda nice !

Your stuff will take care of itself I reckon. Your other 1/2s still there it's just not wasting it's time with garbage anymore , it's spending it on you instead. When somebody truly worthwhile is finally back on the scene the buttons are pushed and off you go. Hope it's nice news but your the girl every guy looks for - true story


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## whitehawk

Yeah I think the only way I could commit again now is if she's been hurt bad. Sounds rough I know but I'm just not interested in anyone who can't respect what really makes things tick from now on, no way !


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## EnjoliWoman

Well for me, I really liked being married, just not who I was married TO. I love having someone in my life to do things with or even when doing our own thing, know that later we'll see each other at dinner time. Whether it's social activities, doing things around the house or going on vacation, I really like the company of a significant other. The camaraderie and the 'us against the world' gives me a level of comfort, security and happiness. I'd like to do it again and make a better choice because I think I'm a good wife.


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## Mandia99508

whitehawk said:


> Yeah I think the only way I could commit again now is if she's been hurt bad. Sounds rough I know but I'm just not interested in anyone who can't respect what really makes things tick from now on, no way !


It is interesting that you say this. My ex husband had been deeply destroyed by his previous LTR. He ended up doing to me EXACTLY what was done to him. Only worse b/c he and I were married not just having a live in relationship. Our commitment was for life. I refuse to accept that life long love is real -for me-. 
Maybe I'm too cynical... but at least I know right now exactly what is going on in my head and heart. I'm not mixed up or "damaged". I'm just me. I'm good. Happy. Truly content.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dedicated2Her

I have had some pretty specific "deal breakers" in place since my divorce. Things that I need in order to have a happy, healthy relationship. For me, I have to have someone who has taken personal responsibility for their part in the breakdown of their previous relationship. True, they may have been hurt, but I need to know what they learned from it, how have they healed, what they recognize as their part of things, and what they have done to ensure they don't repeat those things.

It's fairly simple, humbleness, awareness and action.


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## Mandia99508

Dedicated2Her said:


> I have had some pretty specific "deal breakers" in place since my divorce. Things that I need in order to have a happy, healthy relationship. For me, I have to have someone who has taken personal responsibility for their part in the breakdown of their previous relationship. True, they may have been hurt, but I need to know what they learned from it, how have they healed, what they recognize as their part of things, and what they have done to ensure they don't repeat those things.
> 
> It's fairly simple, humbleness, awareness and action.


AGREED! I know exactly where I went wrong in my relationship. That was not a simple thing to digest, but eventually I got it. While I was in it, I seemed to have to rationalize all of my reason to "stay in the relationship". That fact that I had to do that as probably my first set of mistakes, and after that, it just became a habit-like behavior. That stigma is something I will not carry with me if I ever decide to "get back out there".


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## BW1

I was with my wife(ex) for 14 years. I never cheated. When our marriage was crumbling I believe she has sex with another man. I can't prove it, but All the red flags were there.

I don't have much interest in any more relationships, and I have never been good at the casual sex thing. Got to get rid of my baggage, and get out of this bubble I live in. Too much insecurity.


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## Jellybeans

I've never been someone who can go from one serious relationship to another so I can't relate in that sense but I think those that do, they have probably been done with their former relationship for awhile (mentally/emotionally) or they have intimacy issues where they cannot be alone and being single is a crazy concept to them. Some folks just can't be alone. It could be insecurity or the act that they are love bugs, who get high off of it.


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## Bafuna

I was married for 10 years, been seperated for 7 months. In a nutshell:
Alone 10 years 7 months, do I qualify to move on??


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## Jellybeans

southbound said:


> I've known people in my life that have a rocky marriage, divorce, and dive right back into another relationship. I never understood that, but i guess I'm weird.


You're not weird. Everyone is different. I am like you. I still have no desire to be in a committed relationship. First separation was nearly 4 years ago and I am divorced.


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## Jellybeans

Bafuna said:


> I was married for 10 years, been seperated for 7 months. In a nutshell:
> Alone 10 years 7 months, do I qualify to move on??


It is entirely a personal decision. I think you will know when you are ready. Me personally, I know I am not ready nor do I want anything serious with anyone.

But my goodness I really do need to get laid. I just can't do it with "anyone." GRRRRRRRRRRRR.


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## angelpixie

Hahahaha, JB. I totally hear you. I don't have a 'desire' for another relationship. If it happens, great. I do wish I had a partner, but now that I have a son, it's way different from wishing I had a partner years ago. Everything is much more complicated now. It's not just myself I need to consider. 

So, then I end up weighing that wish for a partner/companion/lover (note I did not say spouse ) against all of the complications involved, not to mention just the whole dating process, and a sort of apathy sets in. 

Like you, I can't just do it with anyone, so unless and until I actually find someone for real, I'm going to just keep living life and finding fulfillment on my own. From what I've learned after my marriage broke up, that's the best thing to do anyway. If I'm not 'whole,' then there's no chance that a new relationship will work anyway. And if I am 'whole' on my own, then I won't go desperately searching for someone to fix what's missing. 

That kind of cerebral thinking helps when the hormones start raging. To a certain extent anyway. :rofl:


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## maincourse99

_It is entirely a personal decision. I think you will know when you are ready. Me personally, I know I am not ready nor do I want anything serious with anyone.

But my goodness I really do need to get laid. I just can't do it with "anyone." GRRRRRRRRRRRR_


This is where I am too. If I could find a woman who's company that I really like, someone to go out to dinner with, hang around a book store, go hear some live music and talk on the phone with every couple of days...

As far as sex goes, it would be nice, but if not, that's fine. I wouldn't mind some female companionship. I've tried to find someone who's looking for the same, but they either want a hookup or an LTR. Neither appeals to me.


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## Tomara

I can only speak for myself, I am married. I was with my husband for 7 months total and didn't really see him for last 5 of those 7 months. I am a very social creature so when my husband shut me out completely I gave up. Yes I have been out with a few people, dinner and then I go home. One has wanted more but I'm not a ONS type of person. I will never get married again (may god strike me dead if I even consider it) but I will seak out friendships with other men.


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## Jellybeans

Tomara said:


> I will never get married again (may god strike me dead if I even consider it)


:rofl:

Kind of my mindset, too. LOL


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## Nsweet

I actually want to remarry and have kids, but later on in my 30s. I feel I would make a great husband and father _if I keep working on myself like I am now_. 

_I'm just never going to tell any woman I'm interested in any of this or let her think I'm going to be easily committed._

If I find another _*ONE*_ I feel I could marry I want her fight for me. Ok, I want her see me as I really am and think she's slowly breaking me down and getting me to choose her for the rest of my life. In reality I will have already picked her by the time she starts secretly trying to move in with me, but I want to prolong the chase... And screen her for every last red flag before I think twice about marriage.

There's some deep psychology behind this sort of prolonged initiation too! The harder you are to get, the harder you are to give up. And I want to enjoy the steps up to marriage and everything I missed with my whirlwind romance.


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## philglossop

Nsweet said:


> I actually want to remarry and have kids, but later on in my 30s. I feel I would make a great husband and father _if I keep working on myself like I am now_.
> 
> _I'm just never going to tell any woman I'm interested in any of this or let her think I'm going to be easily committed._
> 
> If I find another _*ONE*_ I feel I could marry I want her fight for me. Ok, I want her see me as I really am and think she's slowly breaking me down and getting me to choose her for the rest of my life. In reality I will have already picked her by the time she starts secretly trying to move in with me, but I want to prolong the chase... And screen her for every last red flag before I think twice about marriage.
> 
> There's some deep psychology behind this sort of prolonged initiation too! The harder you are to get, the harder you are to give up. And I want to enjoy the steps up to marriage and everything I missed with my whirlwind romance.


In simple terms, this is exactly how I feel, now I've got a new relationship going.We see each other 2 times a week privately- more in public, but we are taking it slowly. Private space, private coupleness, public singleness, public togetherness. It's working brilliantly. No stress, no multiple text messages, just a simple slow coming together of 2 people with much in common and no stress and no hassle.

Absolutely love it. Enter another Civil Partnership? Who knows, but certainly not for a few years that's for certain!


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## zillard

southbound said:


> It's interesting to me how some people here divorce and seem happy single, while others jump right back in the relationship arena.
> 
> I'm curious, for those who get involved quickly, what is the drive? I don't mean this to be too complicated, but just curious. Do relationships just seem like the natural thing to do, so it never crosses one's mind to stay single and catch your breath for a while?
> 
> I've known people in my life that have a rocky marriage, divorce, and dive right back into another relationship. I never understood that, but i guess I'm weird.


My inhouse separation began in October with DDay. She moved out in December after I filed. Here it is July and I'm in another relationship with a wonderful woman. 

It's very easy to try and lump and label divorcees as either independent and ok being single vs needing someone new to latch onto. But I feel it is not that simple. 

I like Nicodemus' post. People are different.

I moved out of my parent's home when I was 17. Finished up high school on my own. Put myself through college. I was single and independent for many years before my marriage, and enjoyed it. Much of that time I lived alone and worked a very solitary job - graveyard shift for years. Alone at home and alone at work. I liked it. I cherish time alone.

This was somewhat of an issue with X. She saw my independence as something else. So I tried to please. I'll admit that after a decade I found myself in a codependent state. Which made things worse. 

When I divorced I got back in touch with myself. I thought of all the things I wanted to do now that I wasn't looking to someone else for approval. Picking up old passions, etc. 

I jumped into the local nightlife for validation right away. But it didn't feel right. I'm really not ONS material, either. It was however therapeutic and beneficial. Getting out and playing helped reclaim my independence and confidence after the betrayal. 

I was relocating to a religious, rural area where my future prospects would be limited. I didn't mind as finding a new partner was not my main focus. I planned on dating around for the forseeable future. 

But... things happen. Just as unexpected as DDay turned out to be, so was the connection I made with my new girl (an old friend). It turns out that the passions I've rekindled are shared by her. We have a blast together. Now we aren't talking about living together or marriage, but commitment is definitely there. 

A lot of people on this thread have said "if it happens, it happens". 

Well, sometimes it does. But will it if you aren't really open to it?


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## Pbartender

zillard said:


> A lot of people on this thread have said "if it happens, it happens".
> 
> Well, sometimes it does. But will it if you aren't really open to it?


There's a difference between being open to it and letting it happen, and proactively looking for it.

And sometimes, you simply don't realize that you are open to it -- that you are ready for it -- until the possibility presents itself.


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## Jellybeans

Zillard: Ah, the new "old" friend. It has to be nice since you've known eachother for eons and perhaps reconnecting.  



zillard said:


> A lot of people on this thread have said "if it happens, it happens".
> 
> Well, sometimes it does. But will it if you aren't really open to it?


I think if you aren't open to it, you're less likely to be into the possibility of it happening. For me personally I knew I was NOT AT ALL open to any kind of romantic situation, be in dating or otherwise so I made it clearly known to everyone. It wasn't my time. And I am better for it. No sense in dating if you're not feeling it. Not fair to yourself or the other person.

But alas, when you are open to it, it's a whole different ball game.

And for some reason these things usually happen when you least expect it. Thank goodness. It's more fun that way.


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## COguy

Well I was going out and living life to the fullest. I was meeting attractive single people all the time.

When I went out I let girls know I wasn't interested in anything long term, seeing other people, etc.

But you meet someone that you really like and what are you going to do?


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## Jellybeans

COguy said:


> Well I was going out and living life to the fullest. I was meeting attractive single people all the time.
> 
> When I went out I let girls know I wasn't interested in anything long term, seeing other people, etc.
> 
> But you meet someone that you really like and what are you going to do?


Exactly.

As long as you are honest about it from the get, it's all good.


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