# Wife thinks her affair was the same as the way I treated her in the past?



## drivingmenutzkma (Sep 12, 2010)

Ok my wife and I have been married 14 years, together for 17 years and have 3 children, 6, 9, and 13. We are still together and still working on things after she had an affair for a year with another man. We are going on 6 months after she ended the affair with him. We are doing very well in my opinion and we are happy, but we have 2 disagreements that come up often and I would like everyone's opinion, from both sides. I would like to hear from spouses that have cheated and also from ones that have been cheated on if possible. 

To give you some background: For 12 years I was the type of husband that came and went as he pretty much wanted. I would go hang out with buddies, have a few drinks, play cards or pool or whatever & whenever I decided to, without asking my wife how she felt about it or telling her where I was going until after. I was not out cheating or flirting or even hanging around with women, and generally there were not even women at wherever I was. I would hang out in a buddies garage and work on cars or what have you, just do guy things with friends. But I drank frequently and like I said I was wrong to just go and do as I wanted when I had a family at home worried about me and starving for my attention. I have since stopped all that and grown up and I no longer drink or not tell my wife and kids where I am going. I do not view myself as an alcoholic at one time, I was simply happy go lucky and loved to hang out with friends and be social. I was never a "mean or rude" drunk.

I did have a one night stand about 6 years ago in which my wife forgave me and we put it behind us. Simply put, I was drunk, the woman was very attractive, and my wife and I had simply drifted away apart as friends, and she was not with me at an out of town convention and I let it happen when I should not have. I spoke to the woman for approx. 2 weeks after the one night stand and then cut all ties. My wife found out 2 days after the one night stand. I told my wife if she felt that she could not forgive me and wanted a divorce then I understood and deserved it but that I had made a huge mistake and I wanted to try to work it out, which we did. 

I still continued coming and going as I wanted but I never cheated on her again, only the one night stand. I know that is unacceptable and a mistake but I am being honest. I know she had no idea alot of times what I was up to or where I was, but I was honestly not cheating, just hanging out with the guys or playing cards or what have you.

Then about a year and a half ago she started a new job and met a ew male co-worker and began having an affair which she hid from me for about 2 months, then when I found out she lied and took it further under ground and continued it for a year. In that year I woke up and realized what was important to me in life and fixed a lot of things that were wrong with me, not just to save my marriage but to make my life better and my family and wife's life better. She told me she had decided she had enough and we were not close at all when she started the affair and she was planning on leaving me. She fell in love with this man and it was a very hard affair to defeat and win her back, but I did and we are happier now than ever and we know we are soul mates and the loves of each others lives and we are both just very happy and our kids are very happy and our family is whole again.

At the moment we are very happy and when I say a small disagreement, that is exactly what I mean, small but annoying. We don't argue like we used to and we are both considerate of each other and we honestly love each other very much. We always tell each other where we are going and where we are and I no longer drink or run around like a teenager. So enough with the background and on with the question/concern and our 2 disagreements that we keep running in to quite often:

1. She feels like what I did to her is no different than what she did to me. In other words my running around drinking with my buddies and her not knowing where I was until after I already arrived at where I was going was the same as her having a full blown affair and falliing in love with another man for a year. Well I don't see that it is anywhere near the same thing and I wish she had just went out drinking and hanging with friends because knowing she actually cared for another man and slept with him and went out with him really hurts me. I know we were both in the wrong, but they are both VERY different things. I feel like what I did was wrong and inconsiderate however I don't feel like it was as devastating as what she did to me and our family and they are not the "same". So what do you think about my first concern?

2. I had a one night stand when I was away from home for work at a convention. I was drunk and my wife was not there and we were distant at the time of my one night stand (not trying to justify what I did, just trying to make you aware of what was going on at the time). On the other hand my wife had an affair for a year, sober, and actually had feelings for this man and she looks at it as the same as my one night stand. The only thing in my opinion that is similar is that we both had sex with another person, after that fact there is nothing similar. I feel like every time she had sex with this man or seen this man was like having another one stand on me. So the way I look at it, she had 50 one night stands (or however many times she actually seen this man) to my single one night stand. What are your thoughts on my second concern? 

Thank you in advance and I hope to hear from a lot of people and from both sides as this is really annoying and pretty much the only problem we are having right now and would both love to figure out a way to deal with our situation and move on and enjoy each other even more!


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Each person has their own ideas of what is worse. There are numerous threads on this forum asking the same type of question you are asking, is it worse to have an EA, a PA, a one-night stand, etc.

If I read your time line correctly, you had a one night stand, your wife caught you two days later, you continued contact with the OM for two weeks then ceased contact, and then you continued to go on your merry way without telling your wife any details for years, leaving her to speculate whether or not you were involved in additional affairs or had been involved in additional affairs in the past. 

Meanwhile, you have been very secure in your knowledge that your wife had not cheated until she started a new job, then she carried on a year-long affair, lied to you about it, took it underground, and eventually reconciled with you after you fought hard for the marriage.

Both of those are very bad. If you are truly happy now and things are great, why hold onto this "minor" annoyance? Her affair lasted longer than yours, but your terrible behavior lasted much longer than hers. You both had affairs and acted badly. Call it even and move on.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

smileyjay said:


> the question/concern and our 2 disagreements that we keep running in to quite often:
> 
> 1. She feels like what I did to her is no different than what she did to me. In other words my running around drinking with my buddies and her not knowing where I was until after I already arrived at where I was going was the same as her having a full blown affair and falliing in love with another man for a year. Well I don't see that it is anywhere near the same thing and I wish she had just went out drinking and hanging with friends because knowing she actually cared for another man and slept with him and went out with him really hurts me. I know we were both in the wrong, but they are both VERY different things. I feel like what I did was wrong and inconsiderate however I don't feel like it was as devastating as what she did to me and our family and they are not the "same". So what do you think about my first concern?


It's hard to change how people FEEL about something, whether you agree or not. To your wife, you abandoned her in favor of drinking with your friends. To you, she abandoned you in favor of an affair with another man. You both felt abandoned...can you agree that both of you were hurt without having to agree on who hurt "more"?

Why do you both have to agree on whether it is the "same" or not? Can you agree to disagree? 



> 2. I had a one night stand when I was away from home for work at a convention. I was drunk and my wife was not there and we were distant at the time of my one night stand (not trying to justify what I did, just trying to make you aware of what was going on at the time). On the other hand my wife had an affair for a year, sober, and actually had feelings for this man and she looks at it as the same as my one night stand. The only thing in my opinion that is similar is that we both had sex with another person, after that fact there is nothing similar. I feel like every time she had sex with this man or seen this man was like having another one stand on me. So the way I look at it, she had 50 one night stands (or however many times she actually seen this man) to my single one night stand. What are your thoughts on my second concern?


You can count days and nights, but that doesn't get you closer to healing and reconciling, if that's what you are trying to do. If you still feel a need to prove that what she did was "worse" than what you did, you are still thinking it is you vs. her. You are not thinking yet like a team. In a team, you support each other. 

I think you have more healing (and talking) to do together. Both of you still have resentments built up that you need to talk through.


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Her affair was more recent and is "fresher." I don't know if she still works with the OM or there are other serious triggers for you.

I would not look at her affair as 50 one-night stands. An affair that long and intense I would look at as she was in her mind more married to the OM during that time period than she was to you. She lied to you, took it underground, carried on for another year, and put the OM ahead of you. It doesn't seem to easy to get past something like that.

You say you are very happy together right now, but your question is not the type that someone who is very happy asks. 

You call your infidelity a one-night stand, but you did continue contact for two weeks, so doesn't that make it a two-week affair? You seem to minimize the part you played in it by saying you were drunk - you were not drunk for the entire two weeks afterward when you continued contact, were you? Also, you say that your wife and you had simply drifted away apart as friends - well, that was almost entirely your doing, wasn't it?


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

A ONS is horrible an enough reason for divrce, but a year long relationship taken underground is far far worse. One is callous and negligent, while the other one is premeditated and deliberate.

It's the different between manslaughter and first degree murder.

Has she truely chosen you enough that she has helped expose the jerk who was happy to cheat with a Marie's woman for a year? Scumbags like him deserve to be posted on ch3aterville.com so other scan be warned about him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## stoomey74 (Sep 20, 2009)

I would agree to disagree and just try to get past it if the marriage is worth saving. Does it really matter who Is righter than the other? You both did something wrong.

Just my 2 cents. Best of luck


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

I dont think this is a case of revenge affair.
What she did is an action out of a willing choice.
To me it appears that your wife wantonly cheated.


----------



## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

i read your past threads/posts, and it seems you're stuck in the same rut as before. what gives?

the cheating/betrayal itself is the same, but the duration(LTA) and feelings being shared between your wife and OM are not even in the same ballpark.

if she can't admit to this, she's not very remorseful....is she?


----------



## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

How is this game of one upmanship going to help the two of you become better people?


----------



## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

I was the wife waiting at home while my husband drank and hung out with his buddies. THAT was a special kind of hell that damaged me greatly. My husband is an alcoholic, drove drunk, stayed out all night, would come home sometimes rude and mean. I remember sitting there all night, staring at the street in front of the house with my dog, looking for headlights praying that it was him. Every time a car started down the street my stomach would do a flip. My worry for his welfare, and also the welfare of other people on the road was tremendous. I was sick to my stomach all the time, had anxiety attacks, etc. 

When he would finally come home, he was so drunk he could never figure out how to put the key in the lock. I would just sit there and watch the latch move a little left and right as he struggled and my anger, resentment, and yes, hatred for him would rush to the forefront. I would get up, and angrily open the door. He would look at me with those dead drunk eyes and sometimes say F*CK YOU! to me.

To me, it FELT like he was having an affair. An affair with Budweiser. I was so jealous of beer it was crazy! I felt that drinking was the other woman and I couldn't compete! He never had another woman, but it felt like he did. Am I making sense? I can see where your wife is coming from but you stopped drinking yes? What I wouldn't give for my husband to stop drinking.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

So I killed a guy by stabbing him and another by driving a truck over him. Which one is worse?

I think the amount of deceit on her part(lying for 1 year) makes it much worse. Have you taken care of the OM ? Has she apologized for the betrayal? What steps did either of you take after the marriage?


----------



## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

smileyjay said:


> Ok my wife and I have been married 14 years, together for 17 years and have 3 children, 6, 9, and 13. We are still together and still working on things after she had an affair for a year with another man. We are going on 6 months after she ended the affair with him. We are doing very well in my opinion and we are happy, but we have 2 disagreements that come up often and I would like everyone's opinion, from both sides. I would like to hear from spouses that have cheated and also from ones that have been cheated on if possible.
> 
> To give you some background: For 12 years I was the type of husband that came and went as he pretty much wanted. I would go hang out with buddies, have a few drinks, play cards or pool or whatever & whenever I decided to, without asking my wife how she felt about it or telling her where I was going until after. I was not out cheating or flirting or even hanging around with women, and generally there were not even women at wherever I was. I would hang out in a buddies garage and work on cars or what have you, just do guy things with friends. But I drank frequently and like I said I was wrong to just go and do as I wanted when I had a family at home worried about me and starving for my attention. I have since stopped all that and grown up and I no longer drink or not tell my wife and kids where I am going. I do not view myself as an alcoholic at one time, I was simply happy go lucky and loved to hang out with friends and be social. I was never a "mean or rude" drunk.
> 
> ...


Rationalize your actions all you want (your good at it) but you left your wife and family yerning for attention which you could not provide because you were more concerned about "drinking with buddies" doing social things. That is not a man!

Your wife need the affection and attention that you didn't provide, doesn't make it right but I do understand why she did it.

Forget about your wife for a second, what about your kids? why did you feel spending time with friends was more imporatant that spending it with your children. you are a poor excuse for a father!


----------



## drivingmenutzkma (Sep 12, 2010)

Humble Pie said:


> Rationalize your actions all you want (your good at it) but you left your wife and family yerning for attention which you could not provide because you were more concerned about "drinking with buddies" doing social things. That is not a man!
> 
> Your wife need the affection and attention that you didn't provide, doesn't make it right but I do understand why she did it.
> 
> Forget about your wife for a second, what about your kids? why did you feel spending time with friends was more imporatant that spending it with your children. you are a poor excuse for a father!


As I said I realized my faults and corrected them. I feel like that takes more of a man than you setting there critisizing me and telling me I am not a man. Everyone makes mistakes and nobody is perfect. I did not say this was a major problem, I said it was about the only thing we disagree on. We have both apologized for our wrong doings in every way, these are just 2 things we agree to disagree on and I wanted some outisde opinions, not anyone putting her or me down either one. Humble if you are so perfect then why are you on this forum? I am sure you have wrongs that you have done also, instead of pointing the finger and calling others names and poor excuses, why not be a man/woman and stand up and fix your own problems and if you can help someone else in the process then that will just make it that much more better. Thank you all that have given your opinion, I guess we both just need to agree to disagree and drop it and move on with what is important, our children and each other/our marriage. As I said I feel like a bigger person for understanding my own faults, continuously trying to make myself a better person, and not doing the easy thing and getting a divorce. I fought for my family and wife and I won! I am DAMN proud of that!


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Humble Pie said:


> Rationalize your actions all you want (your good at it) but you left your wife and family yerning for attention which you could not provide because you were more concerned about "drinking with buddies" doing social things. That is not a man!
> 
> Your wife need the affection and attention that you didn't provide, doesn't make it right but I do understand why she did it.
> 
> Forget about your wife for a second, what about your kids? why did you feel spending time with friends was more imporatant that spending it with your children. you are a poor excuse for a father!


I am not sure, but I think you were justifying cheating on a different thread too. I wish there was a dislike button.


----------



## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

How much of a point of contention is this differing POV?


----------



## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

smileyjay said:


> As I said I realized my faults and corrected them. I feel like that takes more of a man than you setting there critisizing me and telling me I am not a man. Everyone makes mistakes and nobody is perfect. I did not say this was a major problem, I said it was about the only thing we disagree on. We have both apologized for our wrong doings in every way, these are just 2 things we agree to disagree on and I wanted some outisde opinions, not anyone putting her or me down either one. Humble if you are so perfect then why are you on this forum? I am sure you have wrongs that you have done also, instead of pointing the finger and calling others names and poor excuses, why not be a man/woman and stand up and fix your own problems and if you can help someone else in the process then that will just make it that much more better. Thank you all that have given your opinion, I guess we both just need to agree to disagree and drop it and move on with what is important, our children and each other/our marriage. As I said I feel like a bigger person for understanding my own faults, continuously trying to make myself a better person, and not doing the easy thing and getting a divorce. I fought for my family and wife and I won! I am DAMN proud of that!


totally inappropriate of myself, I whole heartedly appologize... I do give you the credit you deserve by owning up to your mistakes and also coming on here to get advice, it is more than i have done. for that i appologize


----------



## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> I am not sure, but I think you were justifying cheating on a different thread too. I wish there was a dislike button.


Did i justify it... or did I take the situation and just comment on it, for that situation. Every situation is individualistic, so i might have seemed as if I were justifying a action by the circumstances, but must clarify I feel any situation, cheating is not a just response. I was a bit harsh toward Jay.


----------



## CH (May 18, 2010)

Has she even owned up to her cheating? You've owned up to what you did and took responsibility, she's rug sweeping and blame shifting to make her cheating seem like it was not a big deal because you were the cause of it.

What happens if in another couple of years she feels you're being distant again? Unless she deals with it and owns up to it, it can keep happening.

2 wrongs don't make a right but in this case there is only 1 wrong and it's you. She's in the clear in her mind since you caused her to cheat.


----------



## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

I guess it's pointless to ask questions if they're not going to be answered. So be it.


----------



## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

I feel that men should have time to do guy things and woman should have time to do things with their gfs
Within reason like I would check with the wife to see if she had plans for us or wanted to spend time together versus just going and doing whatever also maybe I few dyas advance notice beforehand versus spur of the moment jmo I donot feel that you doing whatever you did justifys an affair by yr spouse she may use that as excuse but lying and cheating againsts ones partner is not the same again my opinion
Good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drivingmenutzkma (Sep 12, 2010)

chaos said:


> How much of a point of contention is this differing POV?


My apologies Chaos but I don't understand your question above or I would have answered it. I was not sure if it was even directed toward me or another member either. Call me blonde I guess but do you care to clarify your second question? What do you mean by POV? 

As far as your other question "how is game of one upmanship going to makes us better people"? Well I don't feel like it would, I made the post to help me understand and deal with the situation and to hear other peoples' views so maybe I could look at it in a different way than I currenlty do. I just wanted to know how the majority feels about it. Not sure there is a right or wrong answer..


----------



## drivingmenutzkma (Sep 12, 2010)

Humble Pie said:


> totally inappropriate of myself, I whole heartedly appologize... I do give you the credit you deserve by owning up to your mistakes and also coming on here to get advice, it is more than i have done. for that i appologize


Thank you Humble, apology accepted. I know it is hard and emotions are run wild in situations of infidelity. It takes a bigger person to apologize and admit wrong doing than it does to just get on a forum and bash people, expecially in touchy and sensitive situations. Again THANK YOU.


----------



## CH (May 18, 2010)

SJ, from your posts you've fixed yourself to make the marriage better. And it looks like you've fixed your wife to make your marriage better also by taking the blame.

Now when does she fix herself to make your marriage stronger?

Ignorance is bliss.

Look at struggling4ever post. He took the blame for his wife's affair and 11 years later it's come back and biting him big time in the behind.


----------



## drivingmenutzkma (Sep 12, 2010)

cledus_snow said:


> i read your past threads/posts, and it seems you're stuck in the same rut as before. what gives?
> 
> the cheating/betrayal itself is the same, but the duration(LTA) and feelings being shared between your wife and OM are not even in the same ballpark.
> 
> if she can't admit to this, she's not very remorseful....is she?


She has admitted to everything and been open and honest about every question I have asked her since she actually ended the affair. I have asked her best friends and even the OM to verify her honesty on several different concerns I had, in which they confirmed everything she told me on every account. Not that I trust the OM, but some things he didn't have any reason to lie and didn't mean anything to him. It is one of those things that now when I look back on it, my conscious knew when she was cheating nearly EVERY SINGLE TIME, now my conscious tells me she is not. It is a feeling I get and I guess we have been together so long and know each other so well we can "sense" when something is not right. When I would get on here and post in the past, really deep down I knew it was still ongoing I just didn't want to admit it because it hurt so bad. 

Please understand I was always the "tough, hard, insensitive, cold hearted guy" that everyone thought if my wife should have ever cheated on me I would leave her and screw her best friend just to get her back. Heck I even thought that and my wife also thought that. She has even said she never imagined I would stop and change any of my ways, she never thought and nor did I that I would try to make myself a better person because I didn't think anything was wrong with the way I acted and treated her. That was what shocked her the most and made her stop and look at what she was doing. It goes to show you, "you really never know what you would do until it happens to you or you are in the sitation".. and I don't attend church like I should, but I do believe in God, I know right from wrong and was raised to attend church regularly. With that said I think God definately had a hand in this and as my Mamaw always said "God works in mysterious ways". That is very true.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

maybe she misses some of the OLD you.

not the never call pirck of guy but the confident get what you want out of life type of guy.

she giving you a line of crap a 1 year affair is worse than a one night stand any day of the week. and she knows it call her on it. EVERYTIME she says it then say I guess I should collect on my 364 day left to even things up.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

smileyjay said:


> My apologies Chaos but I don't understand your question above or I would have answered it. I was not sure if it was even directed toward me or another member either. Call me blonde I guess but do you care to clarify your second question? What do you mean by POV?
> 
> As far as your other question "how is game of one upmanship going to makes us better people"? Well I don't feel like it would, I made the post to help me understand and deal with the situation and to hear other peoples' views so maybe I could look at it in a different way than I currenlty do. I just wanted to know how the majority feels about it. Not sure there is a right or wrong answer..


Do you understand your wife's point of view?

How long were you married before she had her affair? How long before your affair did her's occur?


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I have a weird question. 

As I was reading your initial post, it comes across to me as if you are minimizing what you did: namely spending years neglecting your wife and having a physical affair of your own. 

Then you say that your wife thinks her affair is the same or "equal to" the way that you treated her--I guess meaning she thinks the two wrongs are "equal". On the other hand, you think that her affair is MUCH WORSE than what you did!! Her sin is bigger than yours (or something to that effect). 

Here's my question: *so what?* 

What if we all say: "Yep you're right her sin is bigger than yours. Much bigger. Hers is HUGE and yours is there but not all that big really...kinda small actually. But hers? Hers is GIGANTIC!!"

What then? What's the point? Once you determine hers is huge and yours is smal,l are you going to say: "Ah ha see? Everyone agrees yours is bigger than mine! You owe me!" or do you get off the hook if hers is bigger? I don't get it. 

Here's why I ask. The way I see it...you did what YOU did and whether hers was bigger or smaller than yours, that in no way excuses what you did or lessens how much it hurt her or damaged the marriage. Whether her affair is gigantic or little, the fact remains that you choose buddies and drinking as being more important than her for YEARS. You were indifferent toward her need for your time and attention, and rejected "her" for "fun" and others. 

Whether hers is big or small is irrelevant. YOU need to take care of, and be personally responsible fo,r what YOU did...and she needs to take care of, and be personally responsible for, what SHE did...regardless of the other guy. Even if she chose to continue her affair, that still wouldn't justify letting you off the hook for what you did, because it's yours. 

So that's just me. I don't understand the point of this thread.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Throw away the scorecard and enjoy your marriage.

Don't take for granted how lucky you are to have this chance.


----------



## drivingmenutzkma (Sep 12, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> I have a weird question.
> 
> As I was reading your initial post, it comes across to me as if you are minimizing what you did: namely spending years neglecting your wife and having a physical affair of your own.
> 
> ...


The point of my post????? It's like I said, the 2 issues are not a huge problem or arguement in our marriage at this point, but rather just a misunderstanding or as one member said we agree to disagree. I just wanted to hear what others thought and how others viewed the situation, prime example YOUR POST. I asked the question to better help me understand how my wife feels and help myself understand why she feels the way she does. Her trying to explain it to me is not working very well for whatever reason, maybe because of her affair my conscious won't let her. You guys on the other hand are doing exactly as I ask (whether you realize it or not) and being honest, giving me your input and opinions, and well it is helping me understand how and why she feels the way she does.. My point in making the post was actually never to prove me right or wrong or her right or wrong, it was to help me understand my wife's POV a little better. and I am trying to understand why she feels the need to justify what she did even months later so we can put this behind us and move forward in our marriage and be happier than ever. 

Thank you to everyone who has posted and who will post, it is very informative and helpful. I thank God each and every day for what he has given me and I look forward to every day I get to spend with my wife and family, I just want to make it even better. Now do you understand the point of my post?


----------



## drivingmenutzkma (Sep 12, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> Do you understand your wife's point of view?
> 
> How long were you married before she had her affair? How long before your affair did her's occur?


In a way I do understand her POV, but in another way I don't completely, that is the reason for my post..... to help me understand better. 

My one night stand with 2 week contact (or 2 week affair however you view it as I am not trying to "down play" it) happened about the mid point of our marriage, around 6th or 7th year. Her affair was about a year and halp ago and lasted a year. We have been married 14 1/2 years and together for 17 years. We are very close after all this and both feel that we can have even a stronger marriage after learning from all this.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

smileyjay said:


> The point of my post????? It's like I said, the 2 issues are not a huge problem or arguement in our marriage at this point, but rather just a misunderstanding or as one member said we agree to disagree. I just wanted to hear what others thought and how others viewed the situation, prime example YOUR POST. I asked the question to better help me understand how my wife feels and help myself understand why she feels the way she does. Her trying to explain it to me is not working very well for whatever reason, maybe because of her affair my conscious won't let her. You guys on the other hand are doing exactly as I ask (whether you realize it or not) and being honest, giving me your input and opinions, and well it is helping me understand how and why she feels the way she does.. My point in making the post was actually never to prove me right or wrong or her right or wrong, it was to help me understand my wife's POV a little better. and I am trying to understand why she feels the need to justify what she did even months later so we can put this behind us and move forward in our marriage and be happier than ever.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has posted and who will post, it is very informative and helpful. I thank God each and every day for what he has given me and I look forward to every day I get to spend with my wife and family, I just want to make it even better. Now do you understand the point of my post?


I understand your wife’s point of view.

You admit to having a 2 week physical affair. From your OP the only reason you wife knows about the affair is because she found out.. not because you confessed. You say that you were drunk and made a mistake. It was not a mistake; it was a deliberate act that you engaged in with no consideration for your wife at all,

For 12 years (TWELVE YEARS) you ignored your wife and chose to party with friends. When you had your affair you did nothing to make her feel safe, did not change your behavior. 

Your wife has no reason to believe that you only had one affair. Quite honestly I find it hard to believe as well. There is a certain caviler attitude about that affair when you talk about it that makes it very hard to believe that you had only one affair. You’re going out all the time and ignoring her was a deliberate act with no consideration for her.

What you did in the first 12 years of your marriage is a form of emotional abuse. The pain your wife felt from being treated like that is on par with the pain you feel from her affair. In my previous marriage, the pain from my husband doing exactly what you did was far worse than the pain I felt when I found out that he had cheated while ignoring me. 

She is telling you that you put her through hell for 12 years. She did what she did for one year. 12 is a whole lot more than 1 year. That is how she sees it.

I don't think you realize how much pain you caused your wife in those years. How many nights she spent crying and/or totally devisated because she was married but did not really have a husband.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

morituri said:


> Just like you, your wife has to deal with her selfish actions. Her POV may just be a defensive mechanism to cope with what she has done. If she's been truly remorseful to you for her affair, and you made the choice to stay with her (just like she chose to stay with you after you had your ONS and short lived EA) then there is nothing to gain from this asking others which is worse. She's facing the harshest judge of all, herself.


----------



## drivingmenutzkma (Sep 12, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> I understand your wife’s point of view.
> 
> You admit to having a 2 week physical affair. From your OP the only reason you wife knows about the affair is because she found out.. not because you confessed. You say that you were drunk and made a mistake. It was not a mistake; it was a deliberate act that you engaged in with no consideration for your wife at all,
> 
> ...


I have no reason to lie about only having the one affair, that is the truth you can believe me or not. Please understand I posted the truth and as much as I could about our situation in order to get other peoples honest views and to help me understand better my wifes POV, so think about it, it would be pointless if I lied? If I lied then none of the opinions replied would be helpful to me. 

You have made clear to me that I was wrong, but you don't really speak much of the fact she had an affair for a year? Why is that? Did you do the same to your husband? I know he was similar to me, did you react similar as my wife did?

I feel like you are taking what your husband did to you out on me in a way. I totally agree it is a form of emotional abuse, and I am ashamed of myself for what I did and how I treated my wife, it was utterly uncalled for and I was not raised to act that way. My parents have never argued in front of me and I am in my mid 30's, now they have disagreed, but they both respect each other, their children, and their marriage and love each other very much and that is why they have been married for 55 years. But as I said I did realize it and I am not living like that any longer nor will I ever again. I have learned to be considerate and unselfish as hard as that may be for you to believe. I am sorry it had to happen to you also, and as I have stated I understand my faults and what I did wrong now, it just took 12 years to realize this. At least I am concerned about it now and I want my wife to be happy, I want us both to be happy, and I am trying very hard to make our marriage a very resounding successful and happy long lasting marriage that other people envy. 

Thank You for your time and opinion.


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

smileyjay said:


> I have no reason to lie about only having the one affair, that is the truth you can believe me or not. Please understand I posted the truth and as much as I could about our situation in order to get other peoples honest views and to help me understand better my wifes POV, so think about it, it would be pointless if I lied? If I lied then none of the opinions replied would be helpful to me.
> 
> You have made clear to me that I was wrong, but you don't really speak much of the fact she had an affair for a year? Why is that? Did you do the same to your husband? I know he was similar to me, did you react similar as my wife did?
> 
> ...


 OP -- I think I understand what you are saying. But do you realize that having your ONS and then continuing your behavior towards her didn't allow her the opportunity to heal from your cheating?? 

Neglecting the family can take its toll for sure, and even though I am glad you figured it out, did it take her affair for you to come to grips with your treatment of her? Sorry if you already answered this. 

Her affair is just as devastating. I don't think there is any room to decide who's behavior was worse, I think it would be best to just accept that you both treated each other poorly, and focus your energy on recovering and understanding each other. I know you are looking for some opinions and insight, but that is all I have honestly.


----------



## drivingmenutzkma (Sep 12, 2010)

Thank you to everyone for your opinions and views! I really appreciate it very much. I would like to ask for some new input and some fresh opinions as this still appears to be a common diagreement. I don't know if she is trying to justify her actions or what. 

Right now I am dealing with her "not believing me" in that I have forgiven her and that I want and love only her. I don't want anyone else but I can't seem to get her to believe me or feel comfortable in the fact that I am not going to try to get her back. She has it in her head that I am going to "get her back". I have no desire, I have told her numerous times that I have no desire and that I would not do that to her or the kids.

I have not given her any reason to think I would cheat on her or "get her back". I have supported her, reassured her, and done everything I know possible to make her know. It's like she just thinks it is "too good to be true".


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Maybe the minor disagreements you have about who's affair and actions were worse are not viewed as minor by your wife.Could your stance be reinforcing her belief or causing her to believe you may want to "get her back"?


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

smileyjay said:


> Thank you to everyone for your opinions and views! I really appreciate it very much. I would like to ask for some new input and some fresh opinions as this still appears to be a common diagreement. I don't know if she is trying to justify her actions or what.
> 
> Right now I am dealing with her "not believing me" in that I have forgiven her and that I want and love only her. I don't want anyone else but I can't seem to get her to believe me or feel comfortable in the fact that I am not going to try to get her back. She has it in her head that I am going to "get her back". I have no desire, I have told her numerous times that I have no desire and that I would not do that to her or the kids.
> 
> I have not given her any reason to think I would cheat on her or "get her back". I have supported her, reassured her, and done everything I know possible to make her know. It's like she just thinks it is "too good to be true".


Although it is hard to accept and deal with for you, I think her attitude is really quite normal. Many cheating spouses who are honestly remorseful for what they have done have a hard time believing that the betrayed spouse can forgive them. She is not telling you this, but despite what you see as her trying to justify what she did, she truly feels that she has hurt and betrayed you and the marriage to an unforgivable extent and she cannot accept that you would be able to forgive her and move past it. She is expecting and waiting for the other shoe to drop. Only time will overcome this for her and you.

Every time one of you talks about the past, it brings all the old pain and doubts back to the surface.

It is best to put the past in the past and work on building a new marriage together. Like you said, this little disagreement keeps coming back again and again. Accept that you will never agree and let it drop. That way you both can move forward together.

Good luck.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Are you sure she wants to make the marriage work? Saying she doesn't believe you could be an excuse to not give a real effort and blame you for her reluctance. Not saying this is so but it was the first thing that crossed my mind. Its hard to convince someone if they don't want to be convinced. I would calmly suggest to her she is just looking for an excuse and see if she reacts honestly. Of course after a one year affair I'm sure she has lying down pat and knowing when she is lying may be hard. I would suggest a poly.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

See this is hitting so close to home I'll tell what worked for me and Mrs. the_guy.
As individuals we both had to be taught how to sustain a healthy relationship. it was more about getting the tools from IC and books and just simply educat our selves about healthy relationships.

It was alway up to either me or her moving on with out each other, but the point was to become a better person.

Now, knowing that we bath have the capacity to do the abuse and the adultory the plaiged our old marriage, we both came to term with the fact with new behaviors we could have a new healthier marriage.

We simple had the faith that the other person was taking the steps to be healthier individuals, and if me or her weren't taking the step then it was time to just let it go.

At the end of the day how emotionally healthy are the both of you, and is this approach the right path or do you need some one to teach you? 

As individuals you can only show good character through actions, it is up to the person that recieves these good actions to except them or not ....you have no control how the other person want to behave, but you can have faith that they return the favor and inturn show you some positive feed back.


Regaining trust is a b!tch and it don't come easy, but if the both of get the tool, it will help.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

The one thing that the two of you should keep in mind is this *actions speak louder than words*. Are the two of you totally transparent and have each other's passwords to email accounts, social networks, etc? Are the two of you accontable to each other's whereabouts? These are the actions that count, and not the words that are fear inspired.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Will you consider that this bothers you more than you admit? You don't talk about pain so I assume you don't feel that. The prominent feeling seems to be a sense of entitlement to have your wife show you what you have not shown her, empathy. 

You don't seem to realize that you have never atoned for abandoning your family and humiliating and hurting them for almost 2 decades. You did not mention what actions you are taking to atone by word and deed. You seem to think that just saying you are changed and acting that way is enough on your part. You still seem focused and what you want and what you are entitled to as if you are the most important person in this. 

However, you are the one who brought devastation to people you should have loved and protected. You are the lucky one. You feel no pain and no need to atone. What more do you want? You came out way ahead. By all accounts, you don't deserve to have a wife and family. They should have been gone long ago. 

That's my take. You asked for options so there it is.

There are two things here, your cheating and lack of atonement for that, even after 7 years. The abandonment of your family for 16 years and lack of understanding for tge depth of pain and dispair that you caused 5 innocent beings. If you really felt the prolonged pain that these people felt, you would not have the time or energy to contemplate revenge or to quibble over how wronged you are. 

It will take you decades to make it up to them. Yet, you waste time pointing your finger at the woman who raised and nutured 3 innocent souls and remained with you for all those years while you treated her and your family with indifference. 

By your own admission, you lacked the proper empathy, character and compassion for your family. You still lack the capacity to be greatful that you still have them in my view. You are lucky that you have them in your life and the opportunity to atone. Why are you not busy making their lives secure and happy and reassuring your wife of your sincerity and love?

Why are you not thanking your wife for staying with you and cherishing your kids while you hurt them? You are still focused on yourself and what you are entitled to. I think you need to be careful, you are not out of the woods yet. Your wife could still decide you are not worth the trouble if you keep up with the blame game. She may come to the decision that you have never atoned and you expect atonement from her. You made changes you should have made years ago, don't expect a pat on the back. You don't deserve it. 

No I don't think what your wife did was worse. You still think that your feelings are more important than hers or the children she had to watch grow up with a father who cared little for them. Unfortunately, she is still dealing with a man who is ungrateful and self focused. . You still have lots of work to do to become a more compassionate and humble person. I think life will throw you more curves to bring home the fact that you have gotten much more out of life than you have ever given. 

I think you need to work on character, empathy and humility. You are owed nothing but you have a debt to pay to your wife and kids that is nowhere near offset by your wifes love of another man for one year. You were not there for her for 16 years and neither were you a father to your kids. I think you should concertante on that and stop focusing on what was done to you. You don't seem hurt just entitled in my opinion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

