# My every-4-years-or-so vent



## k.m (May 18, 2009)

I'm a horrible community member, I know. I'm a loner, an introvert, with no friends to support me. That's my choice, but sometimes I need to vent, so I come here.

I am back to asking myself what is wrong with me that I stay. I am witnessing another slow downward cycle to a meltdown that will leave us both (not to mention our poor, sensitive dogs) miserable.

I know there's something wrong with me that I'm unable to work up the strength/self-esteem to leave him. I know there's something wrong with me that I can possibly think that I still love this guy. I know there's something wrong with me that I've allowed my behavior to degrade to almost his level.

I also know that there's something wrong with him, and I really wish I knew what it was. Tantrums. Mood swings. Need to control but to gaslight me into believing it's me that's the control freak (there is some truth to that, unfortunately). Anger. Attention issues. Laziness alternating with manic periods of work. He believes that all his mental and mood issues are due to early-life lead poisoning. I think he uses that as an excuse to not work on the issues or seek help.

I just spent the evening proving that his latest gaslight attempt was a lie. He will ignore the evidence, so I don't really know why I did it -- for me, more than him, I guess. 

These times make me so tired. I think of how life could be, and I daydream. 

Thanks for letting me vent (again). My thoughts are scattered all over, so I know this won't make sense to anyone!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So what are you doing to improve your life? You only get one, you know. What books have you read? How much time have you spent in therapy learning better choices?


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

What happens if I use just pack up your stuff and go? Like, really, what happens? Forget the dogs, just with you. Could it be any worse than this? Clearly your inertia is the biggest obstacle. You want to be gone, you just done have the emotional energy to actually move. So, don't use emotion. Don't think about it. Just do it. If you had a heart problem and needed to take a pill every day to stay alive, would you take it? Of course you would, it keeps you alive. What happens if it gave you hemorrhoids? Yeah, you'd still take it. Made your hair fall out. Life or a wig? Life it would be. 

You want to live, or do you want to die? It's up to you. Take your heart medication. Don't think about it, just do it and deal with the hemorrhoids and the baldness.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

Yes I hear you... But WHAT IF you did just pack up and go? You would be free. I'm gearing up to leave also but so many obstacles are in the way.. like kids! Someone once said on TAM you have to walk the line of fire to get to the other side. This is so true and I'm not thrilled about being in pain BUT in my mind I can see the other side.. : ) This gives me hope.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

@k.m, you've been here since 2009.

What's actually changed since then?


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## onefootouthedoor (Jun 29, 2017)

This makes total sense (to me). I could have written this myself although my rants have usually come around every 2 years. Not on here but in a private journal and when I look back at some of the things I wrote (i.e. 2008 entries) I Cannot Believe I am still here, in the exact same situation, with the exact same complaints. Year after year. Nothing has changed, only years wasted. How sad... Am I going to continue to look back in 2 years, in 4 years, in 6 years still in the same place? 

Not if I do something about it. 

I have told myself (and whoever else will listen) that I either get out this year, or I better stop complaining because I am in it for the next 30! 

It takes a lot of work. I have put a plan in place attempting to clear all obstacles. By making this plan I have shown myself how doable it is for me to go. This won't be without challenges as I am not be truthful with him and am doing things behind his back in order to make this a doable plan. For me, there is no other way that I can see. 

A large part of why I have stayed is for fear of the 'fire' that cc48kel mentioned. I was/still am fearful of this. But I have come to understand that going through it is the work that I need to do to get to where I need to be. (I relate this to the old saying that 'things need to get worse before they can get better'). Otherwise, I will just continue to stay on this side of it, trapped by it, never knowing what is on the other side and never liberating myself.

Another major fear I have carried with me is, 'What if I leave and realize I made a huge mistake?'

My soul has been pulling me to get out for so long (hence, the every 2-year rants), that I have come to realize that there is no mistake in moving forward and moving on. There is no promise of easy/easier, there is no promise of greener, there is no promise of better. But there is a promise of Change. And Change is and will be what I make it. One choice will lead to another. What I do know, is that there is no change where I am and there will be no change if I continue to stay. And I don't want what this is anymore. 

Life is Change. So if you remain stagnant, then what are you living?


Hugs to you! xo


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## k.m (May 18, 2009)

I haven't avoided coming back to this, but it took me a while to have the time and energy privacy to do so.

I do remember, though, one reason I don't post here a lot. I'm not looking for people to tell me that I should leave. I know I "should" leave, and have known that for years. But I made a conscious decision, during a particularly bad time a few years back, to NOT leave -- at least, not until I felt that I'd done all I could to feel good about how I handled this marriage, first. 

I have seen two different counselors over the years. I don't know if it's because I live in a bible belt, suburban location, but I've never found particularly good counselors. It's not that they're telling me things that I don't want to deal with -- it's that's they don't really seem to know WHAT to tell me. I've never felt that they were helping me make any progress.

So, like I said, I know there are things that are wrong with him and I'd love to be able to "diagnose" and understand them better. And I know (more importantly) that there are things that are "wrong" with ME. Things that are not going to change just because I leave. Maybe I won't have to face them if I leave, but they'll still be there. There's no good reason that I cannot work on the while still here.

So a few responses:
1) I'll never leave the dogs. They're more important to me than him. If I WERE ever to pack up and leave, I'd have to do it in a way that accommodated them. I'd rather find a way to convince HIM to pack up and leave, if it ever gets THAT bad again.
2) What's changed since I started on TAM? Not enough -- but I do realize MY part in my dilemma a little better now, I think, and realize the shortcomings (some of them, anyway) that I need to work on. Just not always sure how to do the work.
3) What have I done to improve me life? Not enough, but I no longer retain or comprehend when I read, so that doesn't help, and counselors (as previously mentioned) have not been productive yet, either. So I work on mindfulness, awareness, anger management, etc. all by my lonesome, which is the only resource I feel I can rely on (and I'm not terribly reliable). If I lived in a more socially-open place, I would love to belong, perhaps, to some support groups (CoA, EA, etc.), but those resources are not available here, either.

Despite how this sounds -- I *do* appreciate all the feedback. It all makes me think. Someday, all that thinking may result in me making the changes I need to make (when I figure out what they are!).

Thanks...


I come here because I need to VENT, sometimes. I need people to say, "I've been there. I know where you're coming from. Here's what I did that felt helpful/good/productive when I was going through that."


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I remember telling myself I'll leave when DD goes to college. Then I'll leave when she graduates college. By then we were so in debt I couldn't leave if I wanted to. I make excuses all the time. 

But I'll tell you what I've learned. If you don't come up with a plan, ANY plan, you'll sink into permanent depression and helplessness. And you only get one life. I'm at the stage where I'd rather just not wake up. 

So don't be like me. Come up with some sort of plan. And take at least a tiny step toward that plan every day.


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