# First Post - Wife Seperating...what to do?



## HowCanIMend (Oct 6, 2011)

I have been searching for good advice on line for about a month now, since my wife revealed she was going to rent a house and move out with the kids 4 and 7. She says that she still loves me, but is doing this before she "doesn't like me anymore". Neither of us are having an affair or have had one (I trust her that she hasn't), we are basically roommates who are raising two children. We haven't had any privacy or even been out together without the kids for years. 

She works two jobs at home and gets little sleep, and my job includes some travel and overnight. I feel guilty everytime this happens because she never gets away, but I have to do this sometimes for my job. We do not have friends, either of us, but at least I get out of the house and have conversations with people at work, she does not get this. She has been relying more and more on "virtual friends" to fill the void and I think it has helped push us farther apart.

We have been stuggling for the past year to open a business, so she can actually have work that lets her interact with real people, but it has been slow going and money is tight. I think she feels it is just not going to happen. I think she feels I am not putting enough into it to get it done.

I have wanted to be with my wife for years before we dated and we have been together 12 years. I am so blind that I have lived all these years assuming we would grow old together and not wanting anything else. Everything I have done, step by step, for right or wrong has been to try to create a secure future for us. 

I guess I always felt helpless that she would not make friends with neighboors or other mothers she ran into, so that she could try to create a network of friends. I should have tried to get sitters and take her out places, but between the money and not having anyone we trusted, that never happened.

I don't want to lose my wife and I don't want to do anything to push her farther away....and obviously there are more nuances to all of this but too much to share in one post. Please help!


----------



## nene (Oct 3, 2011)

What does she think moving out will resolve? She still will not have a network of friends etc. She has to stop blaming you for her unhappiness. What has SHE done to try to make friends. Has she hooked up with an at home mom group?


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

HowCanIMend said:


> Neither of us are having an affair or have had one (*I trust her* that she hasn't)


bad idea

"trust but verify"


I'm not saying she is definitely cheating but I have seen sooooooo many cases where the spouse who requests a separation after giving the ILYBINILWY speech is in fact cheating. I would at the very least try to rule this out. If you don't and is she cheating you don't stand a chance to reconcile and all the MC in the world is worthless.


----------



## HowCanIMend (Oct 6, 2011)

Well, right now we are living in a place that is "under construction" and there is no yard for the kids. When she first started talking about moving I thought it was to get the kids out of the situation, which I agreed with. I only realized later that I was not invited to come along.

She feels like we fight too much, I think I just irritate her, and that the kids get caught up in it. She will get time to herself this way, because I will have the kids on the weekends and she will be alone. She hasn't tried to hook up with groups even when I have suggested it.


----------



## nene (Oct 3, 2011)

HowCanIMend said:


> Well, right now we are living in a place that is "under construction" and there is no yard for the kids. When she first started talking about moving I thought it was to get the kids out of the situation, which I agreed with. I only realized later that I was not invited to come along.
> 
> She feels like we fight too much, I think I just irritate her, and that the kids get caught up in it. She will get time to herself this way, because I will have the kids on the weekends and she will be alone. She hasn't tried to hook up with groups even when I have suggested it.


Ok so like i said, what is SHe trying to do to resolve the issue? Why can't you keep kids for a few hours every now and then so she can have time to relax?


----------



## HowCanIMend (Oct 6, 2011)

She says she is not interested in being with anyone else right now. And says she finally realizes how an old friend's mom was after her husband died, that she never dated and stayed single. I didn't tell her, but it was a bit offense to compare leaving me to me being dead to her.


----------



## HowCanIMend (Oct 6, 2011)

I have offered to take the kids or watch the kids so she could go do something, but she has always said, what would I do? Where would I go. It comes down to her not having anyone else to go do things with or confide in.


----------



## HowCanIMend (Oct 6, 2011)

nene said:


> Ok so like i said, what is SHe trying to do to resolve the issue? Why can't you keep kids for a few hours every now and then so she can have time to relax?


It sounds like she is making that happen by living in seperate places. Which, again, I agree with the kids not being in the "under construction" place, just don't like the way it seems to be happening.


----------



## nene (Oct 3, 2011)

HowCanIMend said:


> It sounds like she is making that happen by living in seperate places. Which, again, I agree with the kids not being in the "under construction" place, just don't like the way it seems to be happening.


I guess. It seems like she is a little depressed and down on herself. I am willing to bet there are some self esteem issues going on with her as well.


----------



## HowCanIMend (Oct 6, 2011)

There are definitely self-esteem issues. She just in the past year lost all her pregnancy weight and feels she looks old. She has gotten very skinny so her age is showing more. She doensn't want to accept that I still find her just as beautiful as when we met. She is not happy about aging.

The fact that we have had no privacy or ability to be intimate in months is probably only making it worse, but when it did happen it was only quick sex, not anything that was actually loving in any way.

She went through a period of time making comments suggesting I had a girlfriend or was going out on her, but it has never been true. It is her self-image and isolation that causes it. That is why I am hoping that her being forced to have here own time to make friends might help. I just hope that it is only friends and she will give us time to try to work things out.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Wow major red flags here.

Be warned that if she is feeling old and undesirable that there are plenty of predator men out there that will tell her everything she wants to hear. Quite possibly one of her virtual friends is one of these guys.

You really need to dig here, what is she saying online and to whom?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

HowCanIMend said:


> She works two jobs at home and gets little sleep, and my job includes some travel and overnight. I feel guilty everytime this happens because she never gets away, but I have to do this sometimes for my job. We do not have friends, either of us, but at least I get out of the house and have conversations with people at work, she does not get this. *She has been relying more and more on "virtual friends" to fill the void and I think it has helped push us farther apart.*



virtual friends? Get a keylogger fast onto the computer she uses. You'll get a better idea who these "friends" are. 

And, it goes without saying but I am going to anyways, dont let her know the keylogger is installed.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ok, this could go one of two ways. Either the 'friends' she has met online are of the male persuasion and she is now convinced that one of them could magically make all her daily doldrums (including you) disappear, or she is in depression.

Either way, you agreeing to separate will NOT FIX THE PROBLEM. 

Fight for your marriage. Get on her computer and find out who she's talking to. If you find no males, stop looking. BUT LOOK! Your marriage DEPENDS on you taking this step to verify before you make any more mistakes.

Here are some red flags that indicate SOMEONE is whispering sweet nothings in her ear, even if she has not yet acted on it:
ILYBINILWY
Losing pregnancy weight
Spends a lot of time online
Has onliine friends
Spends no time with her husband
Accuses YOU of cheating

These are all things that cheating spouses do.

Verify. If you find nothing, then come back and we'll help you deal with her depression and low self esteem.


----------



## HowCanIMend (Oct 6, 2011)

I am quite honestly trying not to be naive here, but I really don't think she is cheating or looking for someone else. Our lives have been about nothing but our kids for a long time now, for both of us. We have both lost ourselves in this situation. She keeps saying life is too short to be this unhappy and talks a whole lot about our attitudes toward each other effecting the kids and wanting to seperate to see if things will be better.

She admits that it might not make things better and she needs to "be happy with her self before she can be happy with anyone else". I honestly think it is depression and aging and the way our current situation is financially that it seems hopeless and she needs to get away from that.

My biggest worry is that there are more than enough men out there who will tell her whatever she wants to hear and I don't want her to have an affair, because I don't know if I can forgive that.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So what do you have to lose by looking up her contacts online?


----------



## HowCanIMend (Oct 6, 2011)

I see her facebook and can see some twitter...I feel that there is an element of trust that I will breech. Something that she is already concerned with is trust and whether or not I am truthful. I think doing that would be untruthful and if I were found out it would only cause a greater problem, which would be really disasterous if there is nothing there.

The other issues ore definitely there, regardless of whther or not there is some virtual talking going on. Believe me she is with kids 24-7, we can't even find time to be alone, she doesn't have time to be with anyone else.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ok then, you're not going to go there. Let's put that aside until you find the evidence.

Let's discuss your situation. Why is it that she is with the kids 24/7?


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I would ask her how maintaining two households will benefit you financially. And as an FYI, counseling is likely cheaper than a separation/divorce.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## HowCanIMend (Oct 6, 2011)

PBear said:


> I would ask her how maintaining two households will benefit you financially. And as an FYI, counseling is likely cheaper than a separation/divorce.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## HowCanIMend (Oct 6, 2011)

She has not mentioned divorce and financially it does not help, but she feels it is her only option. 

She is with kids 24-7 because she has never made friends and have no family nearby or involved with us. She has no activities of her own outside the home. We moved a year ago and she didn't have friends before and hasn't made any here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What keeps you from taking the kids out of the house and leaving her alone?


----------



## HowCanIMend (Oct 6, 2011)

turnera said:


> What keeps you from taking the kids out of the house and leaving her alone?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## HowCanIMend (Oct 6, 2011)

I have, but not enough. She works from 10pm to 6am 5 nights a week and on and off in the day. I work a 9-5 schedule. We can only do things together two days a week. So we usually plan things together. We hardly ever spend time together when we are both awake. 

I realize I should have made more effort to give her time alone but I was always focused on us doing things together
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No reason you can't start now. To keep her, you're going to have to focus on HER. What she wants, what she's missing, where her pain is coming from. And address it by making changes. Showing her that she CAN stay there and the pain starter will go away, her Emotional Needs can be met, and she can realize her goals in life with you.

What happens when you talk about possible depression?


----------



## HowCanIMend (Oct 6, 2011)

turnera said:


> No reason you can't start now. To keep her, you're going to have to focus on HER. What she wants, what she's missing, where her pain is coming from. And address it by making changes. Showing her that she CAN stay there and the pain starter will go away, her Emotional Needs can be met, and she can realize her goals in life with you.
> 
> What happens when you talk about possible depression?


She is definitely going, in fact will be getting settled in her new place once we get back from a family trip this weekend. I can't stop it. It is more than just us, it is the place we moved to as well and she is getting away from that and me at the same time. 

Honestly, where she is moving to has a yard and kids for our kids to play with, so I can't begrudge that. It will make them happy, I just wish I was going with them. Not that everyone's situation doesn't have lots of variables but our's certainly does. There is a lot working against us right now. 

I think she is depressed and I feel she thinks so also. It is a tough subject to discuss because it is as if I am trying to simplify it to that or claim that she is the problem. She has a tendency to take everything I say in the most negative way right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What about her parents? Will they help you?


----------



## HowCanIMend (Oct 6, 2011)

turnera said:


> What about her parents? Will they help you?


She has not spoken to her mom in a couple of years and relations with her dad and stepmom have fluctuated, right now she hasn't spoken to them in months. No help there. 

She had a rough childhood and adolescence and those relationships are not good.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Siblings?

Are you going to a lawyer to get partial custody? It seems like you're just backing off and letting her do whatever she wants. Maybe you need to take a different tack.


----------

