# Successful marriages that went through rough patches where you considered divorce



## decent01

My wife and I have been married for 5 years, together for 10, since we were 16 years old. For the past few years, she has been feeling like she is no longer attracted to me, like her original feelings were just teenage hormones. Lately she has been talking about divorce. We are perfect together in EVERY other way, worldview, money, communication, trust, interests, intelligence, etc. She loves me and everything about me, and even thinks that from an objective standpoint, my appearance is relatively attractive---she just doesn't feel any chemistry anymore.

So what I want to know is, to how many of you did this same thing happen? How did you work through it? If we can see that other couples have been through the same thing, and gain some perspective, maybe it'll give us the strength to work through our own issues.

Thank you.


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## Theseus

decent01 said:


> My wife and I have been married for 5 years, together for 10, since we were 16 years old. For the past few years, she has been feeling like she is no longer attracted to me, like her original feelings were just teenage hormones. Lately she has been talking about divorce. We are perfect together in EVERY other way, worldview, money, communication, trust, interests, intelligence, etc. She loves me and everything about me, and even thinks that from an objective standpoint, my appearance is relatively attractive---she just doesn't feel any chemistry anymore.



My wife and I have been married for 17 years, and came very close to divorce at least twice, but today we got over all that and we are in the strongest place we've ever been.

Unfortunately, I don't think any of our solutions would apply to you though, because our situation is almost exact opposite of yours in every way. We met and got married when we were older, about 30. We never lost sexual attraction for each other. We also disagree on so many things and our worldviews are very different. We also came from different countries entirely.

It's great that you are compatible in so many ways, but the chemistry of attraction is a *BIG* issue, and you just can't get around that. If you have everything in common with your partner, that's great, but without the sexual attraction, that person becomes your best friend, not your lover. Heck, I have more in common with my guy friends than my wife, but I sure as hell wouldn't want to marry one of them!

Here's another problem. If you met when you were 16 and been together since then, frankly that is part of the problem. She probably feels like she met you so young, got "locked" into one person since then, and is getting curious about what other men are like. If this is the case, then swinging or going to an open marriage is one solution, although it may be a solution you can't tolerate.

Has she given you any specific reasons why she lost her attraction for you? (in extreme cases, this means that she is now more interested in women than men). Marriage counseling can't hurt, but unfortunately, you can't become attracted to someone through counseling. I hate to sound pessimistic, but it's very possible there is no good solution here. Even if she decides to be loyal and stay with you, she could be miserable, which would make you miserable. 

She could be going through a temporary phase, although it looks like your ages are about 26, so she's a little young to be having a mid-life crisis. I wish you luck.


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## meson

Theseus said:


> It's great that you are compatible in so many ways, but the chemistry of attraction is a *BIG* issue, and you just can't get around that. If you have everything in common with your partner, that's great, but without the sexual attraction, that person becomes your best friend, not your lover. Heck, I have more in common with my guy friends than my wife, but I sure as hell wouldn't want to marry one of them!


Theseus is correct that the chemistry of attraction is crucial. 

My marriage was good for 10+ years but we became increasingly distant and fell out of love with each other. The solution for my marriage was to improve communication and make myself attractive to her again. I didn't realize it but I had changed for the worse and I was no longer someone she was attracted to anymore. I focused on improving my self losing weight, restarting a hobby. I then focused on meeting some of her needs that I had realized I was not meeting. It took a long time but we did fall in love again with each other and our marriage is as good as it has ever been.

I recommend that you reexamine who you are and see if it is the same person you were years ago. Try doing the things that attracted her to you in the first place. Romance her as if you just met her and want to be with her. 

Unfortunately Theseus is also correct in that because you married very young she may be going through a phase where she is questioning her decision and if she was ever in love with you in the first place. My sister in law and brother in law went though a similar phase when they married since they married young as well. It took awhile for them to find their stride but they have lasted 30+ years. However if your wife confused a short term infatuation with love and it never transitioned to long term love you may have problems. Check my signature for a link to a post about the chemistry of love. Regular sex is crucial for maintaining long term love. So if you have sex issues they will need to be addressed.


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## Weathered

In my case the first ten years were the hardest as my wife struggled to reconcile the deeper meaning of marriage in her own life. It took a near divorce at just before the 10 year mark, with 3 children, for her to realise that marriage was not just about her desires being met and she needed to see her place in the context of a functioning family unit. In your case, something is awry that has gotten her to feel that marriage to you is not enough for her. You have to sit down and talk about the specific issues that plague her mind into thinking you are not what she thought you would be. The above advice is sound. I wish you all the best in your deliberations with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## squid1035

We're in a rough patch now - kind of a continuation of one that began earlier this year. It subsided a bit, but just a few days ago came back. I think I misread what was happening before. 

We've be married for 13 years, together for 15. We have 3 kids now. Earlier this year I thought the breakdown was more over her emotional rut and sort of soul-searching phase, like what's her other purpose other than dutiful wife and mother. Which I wasn't at all resistant to her discovering herself. I encouraged her to try and figure it out and I would help in any way.

But her recent breakdown has been more revealing. She simply says she's tired and exhausted. To my guilt, I messed things up a bit for us financially. Not anywhere near bankruptcy, but one credit card debt can really wreak havoc on a family's already tight budget. And that's what I did. I stepped in s***t again. Even at the behest of my wife. It's totally my fault. 

So now she's at the point where she doesn't think she can muster the strength to not only hang around but fears that I might drag us though the dirt again. She feels that I took her for granted. And I have. Her deepest hurt comes from the thought of even though I couldn't fully reconcile the husband/father that I wanted to be with the person that I thought I really was, she didn't care. She loved me no matter what and was proud of me not matter what. And I just didn't fully appreciate that about here. Not in any way that she could appreciate, at least.

She says she hasn't written off our marriage yet. But she'd rather us be apart and still love each other, than risk staying married and end up resenting each other. Kind of a "I'll destroy this village in order to save it" gesture. 

There's never been talk of anybody else. And we've never dealt or experienced any type of infidelity. We've always had a pretty active physical relationship and we even enjoying working out together, even now. Just a little over a week ago we were giggling at silly shows together and she even told me how much she appreciates that efforts I've been making at really paying attention to her needs.

It's a weird place. I guess I never saw it coming, which makes it all seem so devastating. My instinct is to over-coddle. Which probably comes across as manipulation. She has expressed that sometimes she just wants to move on. I know that time and attention can help mend things. But how much time is too much in terms of not specifically trying to address and remedy a marital problem?

I need insight. I know I messed up and I've expressed that. I'll do what it takes to try and win her back. Maybe we have to kind of go through a re-courtship, albeit a very measured and slow one.

Thoughts?


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## Amplexor

Many marriages go through slumps. Unfortunately the underlying issues of the slump are not addressed and everything begins to fall apart. Five years ago my wife and I were standing at the abyss from such an error. I had disconnected and she fell in love with someone else. Her physical, emotional and sexual attraction were at zero. Today, we are very happy and in love. We have been together for 30-years. The story is sticky-ed in the Reconciliation Forum. 

A big part of what brought us home are the words in my signature line.

Confidence: Have confidence in yourself that you can turn this around. Reflect that confidence to her in your actions. Address your issues in the marriage to become a better man, husband and father. Carry yourself with a little swagger and don't show her you are in a panic even though you likely are.

Love: Love your wife wholly. Love her but don't dote on her, don't chase her, don't beg, plead or bawl. 

Faith: This is threefold. 

Pray for guidance and strength. It helps to ask for help,forgiveness and advice. It can help you clear things in your mind and give you vision. It can help you gain peace and reassurance.

Faith in yourself. That you can and will emerge from this a better person. That you have the strength to carry it through and that you will not give up until you have left nothing in the tank.

Faith in our wife. If you love and respect her have faith that she will do all she can to help in recovery even if you have to nudge her along.

Patience: You can't have too much. It often takes marriages years of neglect to get to crisis level. It won't reverse quickly. Strap in for the long haul.

Good Luck.


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## squid1035

Amplexor said:


> Confidence: Have confidence in yourself that you can turn this around. Reflect that confidence to her in your actions. Address your issues in the marriage to become a better man, husband and father. Carry yourself with a little swagger and don't show her you are in a panic even though you likely are.
> 
> Love: Love your wife wholly. Love her but don't dote on her, don't chase her, don't beg, plead or bawl.
> 
> Faith: This is threefold.
> 
> Pray for guidance and strength. It helps to ask for help,forgiveness and advice. It can help you clear things in your mind and give you vision. It can help you gain peace and reassurance.
> 
> Faith in yourself. That you can and will emerge from this a better person. That you have the strength to carry it through and that you will not give up until you have left nothing in the tank.
> 
> Faith in our wife. If you love and respect her have faith that she will do all she can to help in recovery even if you have to nudge her along.
> 
> Patience: You can't have too much. It often takes marriages years of neglect to get to crisis level. It won't reverse quickly. Strap in for the long haul.
> 
> Good Luck.


I like that a lot, Amplexor. Thank you! I will apply all of that to this marriage. Seriously, that gives me hope.


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## being the best me

You both need to start working on each others needs paying attention to making each other a priority in each others lives. This is something that is not easily done and doesn't start working immediately. It take time and consistency.


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## squid1035

being the best me said:


> You both need to start working on each others needs paying attention to making each other a priority in each others lives. This is something that is not easily done and doesn't start working immediately. It take time and consistency.


I'm beginning to understand this. It's hard to see a light at the end of the tunnel. My wife is seems very intent on not wanting things to work out. She seems like she's already made up her mind that I'm not what she wants. I've been reduced to a commodity that's either valuable or a liability.

I've never mistreated her. At least not deliberately. We've never had shouting matches. I've never cheated and neither has she, as far as I know. She feels taken for granted. And she's right. I often tried to act like the advice she was trying to give me didn't apply - like I had it under control. Of course, that's just stupid pride.

I know I'm not the best provider. But going back to school takes time and there's a lot of pressure on me. Now there's even more, trying to keep a sinking ship afloat.

This is a hard time. There really is zero love in her eyes for me at this time. We've never gone through anything like this before. I know I messed up. And now it feels like this family unit is really unraveling. The kids have no idea, I think.

As for being confident - I don't want to come off as glib or nonchalant. I know if I was hurt and my wife starting acting like it's just another rosy day, I'd take it as mocking. Honestly, I'm dying inside and it's hard not to show it. She has every right to be mad at me. I'm the one that wants to slither away.

This is going to be a really rough patch. The worst thing that's ever happened to me. I just don't know if I can fight if the end result is only going to be devastation. 

It's hard to keep faith.

Has anyone else experienced this?


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## being the best me

What are the things you can do for her right now that would make her happy? Make it simple, doing laundry, taking the kids out to do something fun? The things that push you out of your comfort zone and she knows it and do it any way to show her you really care.


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## Chana

decent01 said:


> For the past few years, she has been feeling like she is no longer attracted to me, like her original feelings were just teenage hormones. Lately she has been talking about divorce. We are perfect together in EVERY other way, worldview, money, communication, trust, interests, intelligence, etc. She loves me and everything about me, and even thinks that from an objective standpoint, my appearance is relatively attractive---she just doesn't feel any chemistry anymore.


That actually seems a bit unfair to me - she doesn't find you attractive but acknowledges that objectively you are, you just don't do it for her. It really gives you nothing to work with. I don't know, it just seems like there must be more to it than that.


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## Coffee Amore

I read some of your older posts. I don't think your situation fits the typical American marriage profile given the cultural factors involved. When you asked her to move from the Phillipines, did you present an inaccurate picture of your financial stability? You're in your mid-40s but you're still financially dependent on your mother? That makes me think you're not able to support yourself let alone a family. Did you give the impression that you're financially successful? Also, you've said your own mother isn't an easy person to live with and you have such strong ties to her living as close as you do and with her purse strings attached to you. Your mother is domineering and strong. It can't be easy for your much younger wife to have left her family, friends and home country (I know you have ties to the Phillipines as well) to come to America and deal with a bossy mother-in-law. Even if you say you side with your wife, it's still an unpleasant situation for her. How long has it been since she had a chance to visit her homeland? I bet she's very homesick. You really need to find a place where you two have true privacy and time together alone without interruptions from other family members esp your mother. When you say you're back in school, are you getting an undergraduate degree or graduate degree?


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## squid1035

Coffee,

With regard to financial stability, I never gave the impression that I was well off. In fact, when we lived in Cebu where we met (I was born in Florida) we were living quite simply. But I felt I had more opportunity here in the states so we moved to the US. And initially we moved in with my mother. So that is kind of how her involvement really began. And that was a difficult time while I looked for decent work. Eventually we moved into our own home and my income was adequate enough to afford this. But my mother does like to help financially, as a single mother with an only-son tends to do. But as you pointed out, she can be very domineering and this has caused friction. Earlier this year, I had to all but ban her from coming into our house because of the tension it created between her and my wife.

Yes, my wife misses home very much. She left her entire family back in the Philippines and we haven't been able to visit since we left 12 years ago. It's a very expensive plane ticket to try and get our whole family there. But it's a plan that I've been trying to make happen. It will be a while yet and she might have to visit without us. 

Everything you've pointed out is true. I sort of covered it throughout this thread. My undergrad degree is a year away. And then I'm going to go for my master's. 

So the next three year's will be tough, if we make it that far. I know I HAVE to make it. I just don't know if she'll be by my side when I do.

Based on experience, does anybody realistically believe that we can emerge on the other side of this as better people and closer partners?

Things are very weird between us. Definite tension, as if we're both wary of what the other might say that will be the final word on what our relationship will become. Like we've both got our guards up so much that we can't even talk on a normal level. Is this the estrangement period? I suppose it doesn't have to be...


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## over20

About two years ago we claimed bankruptcy after many years of financial struggles. Now we can say it was the best thing we could have done. During that time we drifted apart. Him working two jobs, me working and taking care of 4 kids, house and so on. He was so focused on trying pay bills and avoid collections I thought he was turning into a different man. During this time I almost had an affair. Thank the dear Lord I didn't but I was very tempted. The other man was relentless, a close friend of my husbands. He had it all planned out. It really messed with my head and heart. I knew I loved and adored my husband but I was so lonely for the old man my husband used to be before all the bills, kid problems...basically what consists of life and marriage. I told my husband what I was struggling with and we cut all contact with this man. My husband thanked me for telling him and apologized for putting the bills above our marriage. He had FINALLY heard my loneliness for him. Then and there we vowed to never forget each other. Meaning we would always, always put each other first. 

Marriage is very hard work. I have since learned by a lot of reading and self reflection that one has to choose to stay, choose to see the positive, choose to believe things will get better, and most importantly forgive. Every day I tell myself I love him, I look at his great qualities instead of his flaws, I don't control him. 

The love is different than when we first married 21 years ago. I am glad it's different, it's richer, deeper, more mature. We are definately closer and more patient and understanding of each other.

I am so in love and committed to this man I could never imagine my life without him!! I love being married and can't wait to see what the future holds!!


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## sammy3

over20 said:


> About two years ago we claimed bankruptcy after many years of financial struggles. Now we can say it was the best thing we could have done. During that time we drifted apart. Him working two jobs, me working and taking care of 4 kids, house and so on. He was so focused on trying pay bills and avoid collections I thought he was turning into a different man. During this time I almost had an affair. Thank the dear Lord I didn't but I was very tempted. The other man was relentless, a close friend of my husbands. He had it all planned out. It really messed with my head and heart. I knew I loved and adored my husband but I was so lonely for the old man my husband used to be before all the bills, kid problems...basically what consists of life and marriage. I told my husband what I was struggling with and we cut all contact with this man. My husband thanked me for telling him and apologized for putting the bills above our marriage. He had FINALLY heard my loneliness for him. Then and there we vowed to never forget each other. Meaning we would always, always put each other first.
> 
> Marriage is very hard work. I have since learned by a lot of reading and self reflection that one has to choose to stay, choose to see the positive, choose to believe things will get better, and most importantly forgive. Every day I tell myself I love him, I look at his great qualities instead of his flaws, I don't control him.
> 
> The love is different than when we first married 21 years ago. I am glad it's different, it's richer, deeper, more mature. We are definately closer and more patient and understanding of each other.
> 
> I am so in love and committed to this man I could never imagine my life without him!! I love being married and can't wait to see what the future holds!!




Your husband is a very lucky man to have a wife that saw the slippery slope before she stepped on it. You were so brave to speak up, and he was so brave to listen. I hope you both still are doing well. 

-sammy


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