# Overreacting wife, or underachieving husband



## Pollux95630 (Oct 12, 2010)

Where do I begin. Small book coming but I will try to keep it short as possible with the down and dirty details. My wife and I have been married going on 5 years this June. When we got married she had an excellent job and career, which unfortunately got sidetracked when she had a falling out with a co-worker, and she let it get to her and ended up quitting. Since then she got a mediocre job which didn’t pay very well and then she was laid off from that job. It has now been a year and half with no job. She is looking diligently, but interview after interview she is passed up which has her pretty depressed. So I have been supporting us during this time, which has been hard for me because I will admit I have a bad history with money and spending frivolously which I am trying to correct, but fortunately we are not deep in massive debt or anything from borrowing. 

We both have our own personal hobbies (although she hates the word hobby), which hers is fashion, designer clothes, shoes, basic lady stuff. Since she lost her job she has downgraded and cut back her spending some, but still comes home once or twice a week at times with bags full of clothes, shoes, etc. that she bought at the local thrift stores. I am okay with this because without it, she basically has nothing to give her a little bit of happiness in this not the happiest of times in her life. Then there is my hobby which at one time was radio control cars, which I will admit, I went a little overboard and spent more than I should have on it. And because of that she grew to hate that hobby and any amount of money I invested in it. I have a secondary account which a small amount of my paycheck goes to every pay period, and during one of our money discussions 6 or so months ago, it was established that I could only purchase things for myself if I saved it up in this secondary account. 

So lately, I have been selling off the majority of my radio control hobby equipment and saving a little in this side account. I thought the last month or so we have been doing well. Just got a sizeable tax return which we are using to part of to pay off her one credit card, and my job has been generating lots of overtime and extra pay. I also received a nice holiday bonus at work. This is all outside of the separate account. A week or two ago, I loosely mention that I had been saving a little money in this side account, and had sold several items of mine and was thinking about purchasing a part for my car. She heard it, but didn’t really pay any attention to it and didn’t care to hear the details. After a week of internal dialogue with myself, trying to decide whether to purchase this item or not, I decided to get it, but a less expensive version to save a little money. 

Last night when I get home, she is having a bad day and starts talking about her credit card debt, and says how we need to hurry up and pay it off with the tax return money before I go waste it on something stupid. I get a little defensive and tell her I have no plans to go spend the money and agree that we should pay off her card. She then says for all she knows I’ve already spent the money somewhere else, probably on the car part I was looking at. I tell her I purchased this part with money that I had saved in the side account and items I sold. She asks me how much the part was, I answer $500. This is when she flips her lid, and starts ranting on about how inconsiderate I am that we could have done something really nice with that money together (BTW, I took her to New York City for New Years Eve), or used it as a cushion in our account, but instead I went and wasted it something for myself. I tried to explain to her that there currently is a cushion in the account, we are eliminating her credit card bill, that I have over 30 hours of OT on my paycheck, and that I thought it was agreed that any money I saved in the side account was mine to spend as I wish. She won’t hear any of it. She starts going on and on about what a stupid decision I made and that now that this $500 spent (that she didn’t even know existed until I told her) means she can’t afford to get gas in her car to look for a job, and that now we can’t go out and do anything together because I have chosen my car part over her my wife. This was last night. No different today, she calls me at work to come home for lunch and fill her gas tank up because she says obviously I’m rich as I just spent $500 and she can’t fill her own tank because she doesn’t have a job. She’s going to her parent’s for the night because she is so disgusted with me. 

I understand maybe this purchase I made was not the best decision at this time. However I feel she is reacting very immaturely and going way too far overboard based on money that she never knew existed until I told her, and with what I was told with how I saved this money, I could spend as I wished. I feel like any interest of mine she doesn’t approve of, I am not allowed to participate in it. I feel we are both wrong in some aspects, but I am willing to admit my fault, whereas she is 100% convinced it is all my fault. She made it clear last night her definition of husband and what she considers a “real man” is someone who does not spend money or wastes time on cars or hobbies, that a real man’s one and only true interest should be his wife above all else.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Your problems go way deeper than the $500 in question.

This is an angry, likely depressed woman who throws tantrums and runs away the minute things don't go her way.

And you likely spend too much because it fills a void that is missing from your life. In fact she does it too even if she did 'downsize'. She's still spending to make herself feel better.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

So whats mine is mine, and what's yours is mine is the rule in your house?

Pity.

Let her go cool off, pay off her credit card as you planned and give her time to come to her senses. She's upset because she's not working and likely feels a tremendous amount of guilt about a number of things.

Remember that misery loves company. You can't be happy and satisfied unless she is too (in her mind). The only way that can happen is if she finally lands a job and starts contributing to the household again.

And there's nothing wrong with having a hobby. It sounds like you're being responsible about it too.. putting a little to the side a check at a time is how it should be done. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.


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## Pollux95630 (Oct 12, 2010)

Mavash. said:


> Your problems go way deeper than the $500 in question.
> 
> This is an angry, likely depressed woman who throws tantrums and runs away the minute things don't go her way.
> 
> And you likely spend too much because it fills a void that is missing from your life. In fact she does it too even if she did 'downsize'. She's still spending to make herself feel better.


Yes, you are correct, this issue goes way deeper. She is depressed, has had problems with depression in the past, and currently is very unhappy with her place in life. One of my biggest issues in the marriage is she seems to always be unhappy whereas I am generally always happy. To her though this is normal, and typical of the household she grew up in. A family that appears functional, but is extremely disfunctional behind closed doors. For her it is normal for your mother and father to get into a beat down fight with each other and then one of them to steal the kids and drive off to a hotel for a couple of days, only to return and act like everything is just fine. She is also very good about taking things that upset her, and building them into a larger than life issues, and then carrying a grudge about that issue for a long, long time. So in the next year or two, if any unexpected bill or financial issue arises, she will point back to this day and time where money was spent that could have been used elsewhere and she will start the whole ordeal again. 

I tried explaining this to her...that things aren't exactly the happiest in our lives at the moment, and the little things she buys give her moments of happiness just as my purchases give me moments of happiness. Whenever I attempt to draw comparison between what she buys to make her happy, and what I buy, she immediately thinks I am attacking her for her spending and goes on major defensive. I try to explain to her that I am not attacking her for what she buys and tell her I don't want to ever condemn her for her thrift store shopping as I know it brings her a little happiness, but all she sees is she called me on something, so I am just being defensive and trying to call her out in return.

She is intent that I am the only one that needs changing, and she is just fine the way she is. I can't take it for too much longer, and will likely leave her come July when our lease is up in the house we are living in. Of course divorce has been raised before in which she says everything in our house is hers, that I didn't contribute anything to it, and she will take everything, and then come after me for alimony. Nice huh? 

At this point I am really thinking maybe it would just be best if we went our separate ways.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Pollux95630 said:


> At this point I am really thinking maybe it would just be best if we went our separate ways.


And you will be surprised at the joy you will find when you are away from such a toxic woman.


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## HazelGrove (Feb 29, 2012)

A court would decide how to divide the house and contents, and what you'd have to pay her in alimony, if anything, so don't take her word for it. 
Do you have children?

She married a man who has a hobby he loves - as long as you're not getting into debt over your hobby (perfectly good word) or grossly neglecting her, then I don't see what her problem is. She has no right to change you, and you have every right to do a hobby that brings you some joy. 

You say you have a bad history with money - has that caused financial problems? Have you mended your ways since you've become the main breadwinner? 

It sounds like she needs some therapy and possibly some medical follow-up for depression (both). If she comes from a dysfunctional family, she is only doing what comes naturally to her - but she can break those habits if she realises they are toxic and harming your relationship, with the help of a therapist (anti-depressant drugs alone wouldn't do it.)


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