# Sex and Emotions



## SacredLady (Jun 24, 2011)

Hi everyone,

I want your opinion on sex. I am a woman that's easily turned off by the things prior to sex such as something that's said that may disturb or anger me. I never really had make up with sex without making up verbally first. It's like my hormones are tied to my emotions. Is this suppose to be that way?

My bf is fine with sex everyday. I rarely initiate sex because he 'always' beat me to it. When I tell him "no," it ends up into a big disagreement about how I'm not working with him and I'm being too hard on him. Afterward I usually give in and do it anyway. He think because I enjoy it, there's no problem. The problem is that my 'no' is not enough. I have too argue my point that's usually never understood by a horny man. My anger just builds up until next time he asks, I say no and do it anyway. 

The thing is, I LOVE our sex. I just can't "pop" in the mood when he is ready. It take a little while for me to mentally be ready to engage in it. I feel it's my body and can say no whenever I feel and he feel that we are in a commitment so we are as one and how sex is to please the partner. How often is it okay to say 'no' to sex in a healthy relationship?

I have had complaints in previous relationships about my sex routine such as saying 'no' because I just wasn't in the mood. How can I fix this? I feel like I become so defensive when I have to explain my "No, I'm not in the mood". What can I do?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

First of all - lets start with this: You absolutely have the right to say no. 

I have a suggestion for you though. Instead of saying "no", say "I am going to rock your world tomorrow night - tonight I am just not into it". 




SacredLady said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> I want your opinion on sex. I am a woman that's easily turned off by the things prior to sex such as something that's said that may disturb or anger me. I never really had make up with sex without making up verbally first. It's like my hormones are tied to my emotions. Is this suppose to be that way?
> 
> ...


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

I would add to this. Be aggressive. Simply assume that his switch is going to be "on" and if the thought of intimacy isn't really happening for you a given evening, tell him - and tell him early.

MEM's statement is an awesome way to let him preserve his dignity while accepting one of the toughest forms of rejection.

Another thing to avoid is to give him the idea that it's going to be great and then - near the last minute - put it off due to other priorities and/or do a shutdown.

That's actually a bit cruel. I'm not sure women see it that way.




MEM11363 said:


> First of all - lets start with this: You absolutely have the right to say no.
> 
> I have a suggestion for you though. Instead of saying "no", say "I am going to rock your world tomorrow night - tonight I am just not into it".


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## bell (Jul 10, 2011)

Thats how most women are..so your not alone. I think it's your body and you have a right to say no, he needs to earn your affection, etc...I personally give in when Im not in the mood since we only do that once a week so I take whatever I can get lol. Sometimes all the resentment from whatever reasons in the relationship can build up can put a damper on things, but I have heard a lot about couples doing it to please the other once in a while is normal. A quickie wouldn't hurt. To answer your questions, I think its normal to feel that way, especially women. It is as healthy to feel loved and giving it up deserving as it is to say no if you don't feel you had enough to make you in the mood. Find out how to "fix it" by figuring out what turns you on wither its his actions or yours and your feelings. Make a list or keep track of those pros and cons and go from there. If you are saying no alot figure out why and learn how you can fix it. Hopefully it's something basic and not a phsyical health issue, and if thats the case you can check with a doctor about sex drives or whatever it is...


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I know what you mean about not wanting to make love when you are upset by something that your lover said earlier. If I think we may be making love soon, I will tell my husband that this particular discussion does not put me in a loving mood, and we change the subject immediately.

Be careful about saying no and then having sex, because he will soon not believe anything that you say. On the other hand, sometimes even if you don't feel in the mood, you can get in the mood if he takes his time to excite you.

Guys love it when you initiate, so try this several times a week. Be aware that women need affection to want sex, and guys express their love for a woman through sex. It is an emotional need for them as well as a physical need.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

No means no. Don't ever ever ever give in. Be utterly uncompromising on this point even if it means the complete implosion of you relationship. If it takes you 11 days to psyche yourself into the mood then more power to you.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Runs:

She is asking for suggestions about how to improve her sex life. She did not say that she never wants to have sex. I am curious about why you and Mrs, Runs do not meet each other's needs.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I was only half kidding. To me it's a silly point. What' the question? Am I entitled to say no? Of course you are. Is it reasonable to always always always fall back on that old crutch of 'I'm a girl, sexuality is the most complex ineffable thing in the history of the universe to us and if a quantum of the least amount of something is the least amount not 100% of perfect for at least 12 days beforehand, then poof! It won't happen! then no, it's not. 

I think if your spouse be they man or woman approaches their marriage with the view that it it's either 100% perfect or it's 100% Stalinist Gulag that their problems are far deeper than any marriage. I think it means they don't own their own problems and responsibilities.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

It's ok to say no, but if the sequence of lock picking always changes in the middle of the sequence, then it is not fair to your significant other.

At some point, and maybe sooner than you think, the lock picker will figure out that it's not worth it, there are simpler locks to pick.


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

It is our fundemental right to be able to say 'No' and mean it. 

However, as I have mentioned in a recent response elsewhere, we all have 'duties' in life; to the world, our work colleagues, our boss, the country, our children etc AND our spouse.
Sometimes we all have to do things we don't particularly WANT to do - I've just finished a night shift and the children want to go swimming...I'm tired and I want to sleep, however they are my children and I have a duty of care etc towards them - I take them swimming.....
Sex is a part of life/marriage. When you say 'I do' you are saying 'yes' to the whole package, including having sex.

So, sure, excercise your right to say 'no'.....but do it too often and things will start going wrong. Sorry, but its a fact of life!


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

You are totally normal. Most women need to feel that emotional connection with their man first before they get to the sex.

You should be able to talk about this, outside of the bedroom, with your bf. If you can't, then I would ask myself whether this guy is the right one for me.

A man who is genuinely concerned for you and cares about you will listen to you and take what you say to heart. He should be as concerned about understanding your sexual desire and response, as you should be concerned about his. Talk with each other about what each of you need and how you feel and see if you can come to some kind of compromise.

Best wishes.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

I would just add that there is also nothing wrong with saying YES to sex when you are not in the mood because often you GET in the mood during sex. Just the other night, I was feeling bleh and wasn't really into it, but my husband wanted to make love so we got into bed. He wanted to go right for the goods (giving me oral) but I needed some time just to warm up so we laid in bed naked, looking at each other and stroking each other and talking for about 5 minutes. Then what do you know, I got really turned on. It turned out to be one of the best lovemaking sessions I've had in a while, and we always have great sex. You even said you really enjoy sex once it is happening, so there is nothing wrong with you saying yes even if you aren't super horny at the moment....as long as you feel up for it. 

You definitely have a right to say NO and you also should be working on the issues that are causing you resentment. Some of it might be you needing to let go of petty stuff. Some of it might be your husband needing to do a better job of apologizing if he upsets you. If your relationship is not good outside of the bedroom, it probably won't be good in the bedroom.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It makes sense.

For the most part, women have to feel close to have sex. Men have sex to feel close.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Laurae1967 said:


> You definitely have a right to say NO and you also should be working on the issues that are causing you resentment. Some of it might be you needing to let go of petty stuff. Some of it might be your husband needing to do a better job of apologizing if he upsets you. If your relationship is not good outside of the bedroom, it probably won't be good in the bedroom.


:iagree:

You might find yourself feeling more open if you can learn ways of how to let go of these incidences that cause you to close-off from the possibility of having sex - with those moments you mentioned that may anger or disturb you. I feel it's a way of being passive-aggressive to not deal with these annoyances properly, and then keeping your SO at a physical distance because of it. I write this with good intention to you, that if you can learn how to deal with your grievances, you can then learn how to let them go, and when you can let them go they no longer reside in your mind and no longer have a hold on you that prevents you from being open to connecting sexually. Make sense?

If I'm not in the mood (although this is rare for me), sometimes I'll roll with it and end up in the mood anyway.... but if for whatever reason I'm not wanting to roll with it, I've told my H "You're extremely sexy but I'm just not in that head-space." He might ask what he can do to get me there and if I'm just not feeling it (exhausted, stressed, whatever) I tell him "I don't think there is anything tonight but how about we wake up earlier tomorrow morning before work?" and give him a wink.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I think MEM and Conrad are spot on, you can say no but say it in a way that preseves his dignity. I think the suggested statement or something like it is awesome. Besides having a right to say no you have an equally compeling duty to resolve what ever is bothering you so that it does not fester. Pick your battles. Every little thing is not important. I use humor wham little things bother me - my husband hears me better when I say something funny than when I am angry or frustrated.

I think it is undignified to have a man beg for sex and it should never get to that point if your man is good. If you think about it, there is not much that a good man can do to justify reducing him to repeatedly asking for sex. It is just not kosher. Talk about whatever needs to be resolved and don't shut down just because things are not perfectly resolved. Just make it clear that you are happy with progress and look forward to resolution. Then jump his azzz like you are riding a sleek racehorse. He'll resolve anything after that. 

I understand what Jezza is saying but I have a distaste for looking at sex as a duty like working, cleaning house, caring for kids etc. To me, sex is in it's own special category of human interactions and exchanges. It is too complex to be viewed so .... I don't know what word to use - devoid of emotion.?. 

If not a duty then what? Sex is an integral and vital part of the communication between a husband and wife. Each partner is responsible for maintaining the emotional health of the relationship so that the sexual communication flourishes. Sex as a duty seems to obsolve the person wanting sex from any duties and places all of the duty on the person not wanting sex. 

My view is that sex is interwoven with the emotional health of the relationship. A relationship that is anemic in love, caring and respect will naturally be devoid of sex. If sex were a duty just because one is married, no matter how unloving, selfish, smelly, fat, sexually unattractive a partner is or has become, sex must be had.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Maybe instead of women declaring sex-free days, we could declare emotive-free days and you can just hush up and get with the program.


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