# I hate being divorce



## parker

So it's been a year since my ex and I divorced. (I think we TAMmers call it Dday.) Let me tell you, I absolutely hate it. It's so much that I don't like about it and I wonder why someone would be so cruel to ask for a divorce. So my question to everyone here is "Am I the only one who hates being divorced???" When does it get better?


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## Ynot

It has only been 6 months for me. I hate it as well. Everyone says it will get better. I don't know how long it takes. But I am sure each of us is different. In the end I know it comes to simply accepting what has happened and moving on. We both know we can't go back in time. We can't change the past. It is what it is. We may know it, but until we can actually accept it, we cannot move on. I am still struggling with accepting it. I imagine I will wake up soon and it will all have been a bad dream. I imagine that my ex will wake up and we can get back together. Imagining and imagining has kept me from accepting. Regardless of how you untangle the ball of string, it still comes down to doing what is best for you.


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## 2ntnuf

It's been said getting out and doing things for yourself helps to get you through the day. Doing things that seem like small victories each day can help you to see that you are okay. Many told me time will help. Waiting for time to help seems like it takes forever. No, I truly do not, no matter what I've posted, like being divorced. It's not healthy for me to be alone. In fact, it's really not healthy for anyone. Getting out among folks you can talk with about anything other than your divorce will help. Laughing helps me. I've cried too much. Figuring out new goals helps. Keeping a journal will help. Counseling has helped me, but I have to do some work to make that more effective. I hope you can find your way. I'm still searching, and I haven't found it yet. So, I live one day at a time and try not to punish myself. It's hard to put into action the thoughts that many have, that when you are divorced, you can do whatever you want. Well, what I want is no more. I don't know what I want now. I guess that's why I live day to day. I never thought I'd be hurting this long or this intensely. I'm rooting for you all.


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## tripad

Hey it is not great. 

But I'm getting better. 

Maybe working helps. I'm working my ass off. 

Consciously looking at half cup full. Not empty. 

Exercising my ass off too, channelling the anger n frustration into positive use, pounding the track, so I'm looking hotter than before. Really turning up the heat when the next man comes into my life ???;-) 

I gave myself time to grieve n told myself to get over each time . Set a target , 6 months , 12 months , review n go on .

It's not easy . But we have no choice . We are here . But can't be here forever . If you have kids , kids need you . 

I shop , bought new dress , tight pants , for new trim me , for the hot dates to come . But not yet . Omg . No man in sight . Just kidding . I'm not actively looking . Not keen . Yet . 

Finding single friends is tough , mostly had married friends in the past .

2ntnuf ! N others ! Cheer up . Go do things .


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## sherri1997

I too hate every single part of being divorced. I hate it most for the kids because they didn't deserve this and they deserved better. They also didn't deserve the confusion of my ex getting married less than a year after the divorce was final but they are facing that now and there is nothing I can do because I am no where near being over the end of my marriage.


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## tripad

sherri1997 said:


> I too hate every single part of being divorced. I hate it most for the kids because they didn't deserve this and they deserved better. They also didn't deserve the confusion of my ex getting married less than a year after the divorce was final but they are facing that now and there is nothing I can do because I am no where near being over the end of my marriage.


When u r over, it will show the kids u r strong n u r over, they will learn strength from u. 

Not saying it's easy. My favourite catch phrase to my kids - life is tough - Always will be - it's all about attitude n who is the final winner in the race of life's journey. 

****, now we lost, for the moment. 

The ******* has move on. U need to move on too. Why let him have the thrill of knowing u are still drowning, assuming if he's the *******. 

Just keep telling yourself. N I tell my kids to move on, be strong. It makes them a better man. 

Just keep believing. Even if you don't.


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## Rowan

I think how you feel about being divorced is directly impacted by the state of your marriage before the divorce. 

I miss having someone special in my life, I miss being part of a couple, I miss being married, I miss my son having an intact family. But I do not miss the dysfunctional train wreck that was my marriage. I do not miss his contempt for me. I do not miss feeling every day like I'm not quite good enough. 

I dislike being divorced. I love being divorced from my ex-husband.


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## Hopeful Cynic

Rowan said:


> I think how you feel about being divorced is directly impacted by the state of your marriage before the divorce.
> 
> I miss having someone special in my life, I miss being part of a couple, I miss being married, I miss my son having an intact family. But I do not miss the dysfunctional train wreck that was my marriage. I do not miss his contempt for me. I do not miss feeling every day like I'm not quite good enough.
> 
> I dislike being divorced. I love being divorced from my ex-husband.


I understand that completely! I miss having a partner to share my life with. I also know that my ex was completely the wrong partner for me. I wish I could go back to what I thought I had, but I would never go back to what it turned out I actually had.

Being divorced is way better than being in a bad relationship. But it would be nice to someday find out what being in a good relationship is like.


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## tripad

Agreed


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## 2ntnuf

parker,

It might be helpful to make a list of what was bad about the marriage and also what was good. Instead of writing "insert spouse's name here" did this or that well or poorly, maybe try to focus on the what, not the who. 

Sometimes, what we don't realize is, most things we liked about being married can and will be done by any number of others. I also think it's important to remember that much of what we thought was good, for example they did this or that for me, is much more satisfying through building our self-esteem by doing those ourselves, and never letting another person do them for us again, unless we are incapable.

I used to think I could do certain things better than others, for my ex. In reality, she could get those things anywhere. It wasn't healthy for me to believe either what she did or what I did for her were exclusive to us. It can be delusional. 

See a counselor if you can. It will help.


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## momto2

Rowan said:


> I think how you feel about being divorced is directly impacted by the state of your marriage before the divorce.
> 
> I miss having someone special in my life, I miss being part of a couple, I miss being married, I miss my son having an intact family. But I do not miss the dysfunctional train wreck that was my marriage. I do not miss his contempt for me. I do not miss feeling every day like I'm not quite good enough.
> 
> I dislike being divorced. I love being divorced from my ex-husband.


I feel the same way. I don't really want to be single, but I don't want to be married to my ex either. I asked for the divorce, but that doesn't make it easy. I miss my kids being around all the time but I don't miss the constant stress of our marriage. I don't think I realized how unhappy I was until he moved out. I have been keeping myself busy with activities I enjoy. I have been volunteering, spending time with my friends, enjoying my alone time. Eventually I would like to be in another relationship, but it has to be with the right person. My B.S. tolerance is a lot lower than it was at the beginning of our relationship. I can't believe I put up with some of the stuff he put me through...and still ended up marrying him!


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## 06Daddio08

Continue to work on yourself individually. It will get better. The more you keep your head stuck in the past, the more you will feel like you currently do.

How can you improve your overall situation when you're dredging through the mud?

Do I prefer to be a single parent? No, not really but at the same time I prefer doing this alone than being with someone while still feeling alone.


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## Thundarr

parker said:


> So it's been a year since my ex and I divorced. (I think we TAMmers call it Dday.) Let me tell you, I absolutely hate it. It's so much that I don't like about it and I wonder why someone would be so cruel to ask for a divorce. So my question to everyone here is "Am I the only one who hates being divorced???" When does it get better?


For me nothing beats being happily married and nothing is as bad as being miserably married. So being single is the purgatory between those two. Some people love the single life but it's not for everyone.


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## ne9907

I love being divorced and single. I love being on limbo as in not having a home, staying with friends, booking a trip whenever I want, sleeping in late or not sleeping at all!
I love it!
Gather your inner child and let yourself run wild for a few days. Find your happiness. Cry at romantic songs. Love you. 
Hugs and lots of love your way.
Everything will get better 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded

I'm very happy divorced. I mourned my marriage while I was in it. Definitely not after. I like casual dating. I don't want another relationship. And I definitely don't want another marriage. The freedom to do whatever I want whenever I want is (something I never had before) is priceless.


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## synthetic

I don't mind it. It let me find my current fiance and a very peaceful life. No one hated divorce more than me. I'm on the record here on TAM feeling absolutely gutted by the experience and regretting it every few minutes. I was forced into it.

If I end up having to divorce yet again, I won't be as traumatized by the experience. This alone helps me live a more confident and less codependent lifestyle. It even helps me be a better relationship partner than I used to be. I consider that a strength gained the hard way.

Divorce is a good thing. It's a forced way of facing your worst fears and elevating to heights that you otherwise would never imagine. It's liberating from a totally selfish point of view. It gives you your individuality back.

Deep down, every one of us feels liberated by divorce no matter how much we hate it. Even happily married people would seriously envy the liberation offered by divorce if they truly understood it. Not that they would necessarily want to get divorced but they would definitely envy the individuality it brings.

Again, as far as 'self' is concerned, divorce is ALWAYS a good thing, but life is not always about 'self'. At least for those who take their vows seriously.


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## Chuck71

Parker........ what you miss were the great times of being M.

You and him / her were a unit, a team, set to conquer the

entire freaking world. The last five years of my M was not great

the last two sucked.... but we still had those "gotcha" moments,

y'know.... moments which only happen between two people

deeply connected to the other. When you're single... it's not

the sex you miss most, it's those "soul connections"

Sex is easy to find.... soul connection.... takes years to build

You miss this the most because it is the hardest to build


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## 3Xnocharm

parker said:


> So it's been a year since my ex and I divorced. (I think we TAMmers call it Dday.) Let me tell you, I absolutely hate it. It's so much that I don't like about it and I wonder why someone would be so cruel to ask for a divorce. So my question to everyone here is "Am I the only one who hates being divorced???" When does it get better?


What exactly IS IT that you hate about it? After a year, there should be at least the beginning of some sense of acceptance, of moving forward, of empowering yourself and living a better life. Are you romanticizing your marriage and your ex? Because obviously there was something seriously wrong there for you to have ended up divorced...that fact alone can help be a catalyst for you to start to accept it and realize that you are now better off. There comes a time where you need to accept that the life you had envisioned yourself living not only is not going to happen now, but really, was not even happening at the time. Think about it...were you TRULY HAPPY in your marriage, with your life? If you were then you were likely living in denial, because like I said, CLEARLY things were not right in your world previously. Oh and asking for divorce is not cruel...what is cruel is betrayal, or abuse, or making someone live a lie, or contributing to someone's misery. You now have a wide open, blank slate to start from and make your life better than it ever was. :smthumbup:


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## SamuraiJack

I think the thing that sucks most about being divorced ( aside from the fact that you were forcibly rejected by another person…ahem) is the seeming weirdness that goes on with your friends afterwards. Especially the ones who knew you as a couple. I call these “couple friends”.

Many times the wives (in my experience ALWAYS the wives) of these “couple friends” put the brakes on you having anything to do with them.
It’s almost like you pose a danger to the marriage in an actual physical sense. You might “lead their husbands off the beaten track” or maybe “they will see how much fun you are having being single.”
Some have passively shunned me, while others have downright called me off limits. Apparently my motorcycling, hot tubbing, new swinging life is not to their liking. Hell, one of the reasons I love having a girlfriend is so some of the wives cool down about me. 
I get reports from husbands about inquiries about me: “Soooooo…Is SamuraiJack still seeing that girl?”
“Yes, honey they are going on three years.”
That seems to mollify most of them.
The guys are subdued about it because they don’t want to advertise the idea that their wives control the social stuff…and to quote Richard Pryor; “She’s got the [email protected]!”
Guys know. 
They mostly just nod and accept that the friendship will need to be low key from now on.

But if you are single, ESPECIALLY newly single…you get the 10 foot pole treatment behind your back and the “Awww Jack I’m so sorry that happened…Hugz!” in front of you.
Most guys wouldn’t see this coming because they were too wrapped up in the grief part, but I was being observant.
Welcome to life as a psychic carrier of typhoid. 
It’s almost like you could infect their marriage.

Only my best friends remained with me after the divorce.
One of them told his wife point blank that I would remain his friend until I died.

Yeah being divorced sucks on some levels, but it’s a whole new lease on life and a hell of a chance to work on yourself and become even more steeped in awesome.
Although there are exceptions to the rule, most people who haven’t been divorced haven’t gotten the training wheels taken off their lives.


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## BetrayedDad

Rowan said:


> I dislike being divorced. I love being divorced from my ex-husband.


Swap out husband for wife and those are my sentiments. 

Op, once you find the right person, you'll wish you'd gotten divorced sooner. It's the "having to look" again part that sucks about divorce. Not that dating can't be fun but it's definitely hard work to find the right person. 

ALOT of bad apples to go through unfortunately.... It's a numbers game and sometimes it's just dumb luck.


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## EnigmaGirl

I'm very newly remarried but I loved getting divorced from my ex because he was the wrong guy for me and I had a long, miserable marriage. I fantasized about divorce for years and when I finally did it, it was even better than I imagined. Of course, there's a huge difference between being the one who wants the divorce and the one who doesn't...so I'm sorry it its tough for you.

I think its just about making a list of the things you want to do...and doing them. I found divorce gave me the ability to do so many things I couldn't do when married. It was very liberating.



> Op, once you find the right person, you'll wish you'd gotten divorced sooner. It's the "having to look" again part that sucks about divorce. Not that dating can't be fun but it's definitely hard work to find the right person.
> 
> ALOT of bad apples to go through unfortunately.... It's a numbers game and sometimes it's just dumb luck.


I totally agree with this. Once you find the right person...the reasons you needed to get divorced fall into place.

But I have to say that I think a large enabler to being happy in a new relationship is about being happy single first. I think true love comes to you when you're satisfied with who you are first. If you're looking too hard, you tend to give off an air of desperation which attracts a lot of tools.

I just got remarried but I'll bet that I'm occasionally going to have times that I really miss being single. It can be a lot of fun.


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## SamuraiJack

BetrayedDad said:


> Swap out husband for wife and those are my sentiments.
> 
> Op, once you find the right person, you'll wish you'd gotten divorced sooner. It's the "having to look" again part that sucks about divorce. Not that dating can't be fun but it's definitely hard work to find the right person.
> 
> ALOT of bad apples to go through unfortunately.... It's a numbers game and sometimes it's just dumb luck.


Yep...Later in life a lot of the good ones are taken...so you are left with...well...what is left. 
The process of going wading into this section of the dating pool can feel very dirty. You run into a lot of damaged, dysfunctional and discouraged people.

But...sometimes you find ones who have been floating with the others who are ready to move on.

Just be prepared to take many grains of salt when you start looking again....Like a Margarita's rim full of them.

Better still, just bring Tequilla.


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## EnigmaGirl

> Yep...Later in life a lot of the good ones are taken...so you are left with...well...what is left.
> The process of going wading into this section of the dating pool can feel very dirty. You run into a lot of damaged, dysfunctional and discouraged people.


I started dating right after I got separated. I found that the most eligible men were the ones who had recently gotten their 1st divorce but they had to be the one that initiated the divorce. I found that the guys who were past 40 and still single or who had gotten divorced a long time ago and where still single or who's wives had divorced/left them were not partner-worthy.

Of course, those were general rules but I found them to be generally true.

Its also true that most of the women that I know who's husband's have left them take a lot longer to be ready for relationships. Mostly because they were still emotionally connected to their ex at the time of the split.


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## Rowan

SamuraiJack said:


> I think the thing that sucks most about being divorced ( aside from the fact that you were forcibly rejected by another person…ahem) is the seeming weirdness that goes on with your friends afterwards. Especially the ones who knew you as a couple. I call these “couple friends”.
> 
> Many times the wives (in my experience ALWAYS the wives) of these “couple friends” put the brakes on you having anything to do with them.
> It’s almost like you pose a danger to the marriage in an actual physical sense. You might “lead their husbands off the beaten track” or maybe “they will see how much fun you are having being single.”
> Some have passively shunned me, while others have downright called me off limits. Apparently my motorcycling, hot tubbing, new swinging life is not to their liking. Hell, one of the reasons I love having a girlfriend is so some of the wives cool down about me.
> I get reports from husbands about inquiries about me: “Soooooo…Is SamuraiJack still seeing that girl?”
> “Yes, honey they are going on three years.”
> That seems to mollify most of them.
> The guys are subdued about it because they don’t want to advertise the idea that their wives control the social stuff…and to quote Richard Pryor; “She’s got the [email protected]!”
> Guys know.
> They mostly just nod and accept that the friendship will need to be low key from now on.
> 
> But if you are single, ESPECIALLY newly single…you get the 10 foot pole treatment behind your back and the “Awww Jack I’m so sorry that happened…Hugz!” in front of you.
> Most guys wouldn’t see this coming because they were too wrapped up in the grief part, but I was being observant.
> Welcome to life as a psychic carrier of typhoid.
> It’s almost like you could infect their marriage.


Just so you don't feel alone in this, I just wanted to say that this happens to divorced women as well. 

A lot of people seem to be afraid that divorced friends will lead their partner astray. You see it here on the various sub-forums. If some guy feels his wife is being distant, or suspects she might be cheating, someone usually asks if she's hanging around with single/divorced girlfriends. 

And then there are the people who think their partner might be tempted by their divorced friends. The wife thinks her newly divorced friend is going to make a play for her husband. The husband is afraid his newly on-the-prowl buddy is going to put the moves on his wife. 

So, yes, I think a lot of married people do feel that divorced friends will somehow infect their marriage. There seems to be an assumption that a divorced person must automatically be up to no good, and that marrieds are automatically susceptible to that evil influence. And it seems to matter very little to most people why their friend is divorced.


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## Wolf1974

I will share other posters sentiment and say I would love to be married and in a partnership like that again but not to the person who I was married to. Her view or love and commitment and mine are way different


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## Wolf1974

SamuraiJack said:


> Yep...Later in life a lot of the good ones are taken...so you are left with...well...what is left.
> The process of going wading into this section of the dating pool can feel very dirty. You run into a lot of damaged, dysfunctional and discouraged people.
> 
> But...sometimes you find ones who have been floating with the others who are ready to move on.
> 
> Just be prepared to take many grains of salt when you start looking again....Like a Margarita's rim full of them.
> 
> Better still, just bring Tequilla.


It does feel this way doesn't it. Many of my guy friends have great wives. And I mean great wives. They have been married 20 years in many cases. 

It seems like the best time in life to find a great spouse is in your 20's. Later in life no one seems really interested in building a life together anymore. Just adding accessories to thier own


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## SamuraiJack

Rowan said:


> Just so you don't feel alone in this, I just wanted to say that this happens to divorced women as well.
> 
> A lot of people seem to be afraid that divorced friends will lead their partner astray. You see it here on the various sub-forums. If some guy feels his wife is being distant, or suspects she might be cheating, someone usually asks if she's hanging around with single/divorced girlfriends.
> 
> And then there are the people who think their partner might be tempted by their divorced friends. The wife thinks her newly divorced friend is going to make a play for her husband. The husband is afraid his newly on-the-prowl buddy is going to put the moves on his wife.
> 
> So, yes, I think a lot of married people do feel that divorced friends will somehow infect their marriage. There seems to be an assumption that a divorced person must automatically be up to no good, and that marrieds are automatically susceptible to that evil influence. And it seems to matter very little to most people why their friend is divorced.


I totally see it from your side as well. It SEEMS to be more "harsh" from the womens side when dealing with fellow woman. But thats just my perspective.


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## momto2

SamuraiJack said:


> Yep...Later in life a lot of the good ones are taken...so you are left with...well...what is left.
> The process of going wading into this section of the dating pool can feel very dirty. You run into a lot of damaged, dysfunctional and discouraged people.
> 
> But...sometimes you find ones who have been floating with the others who are ready to move on.
> 
> Just be prepared to take many grains of salt when you start looking again....Like a Margarita's rim full of them.
> 
> Better still, just bring Tequilla.


This actually makes me feel a lot better. Dating at newly divorced, with kids at 36 isn't fun. I'm glad I'm not the only one with this experience. I feel like a lot of guys at my age are either married, jaded, or just want to sleep around. I'm sure a lot of women are the same way. I guess I'm normal (or so I think), so there must be some normal guys out there.


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## EnigmaGirl

> I feel like a lot of guys at my age are either married, jaded, or just want to sleep around. I'm sure a lot of women are the same way. I guess I'm normal (or so I think), so there must be some normal guys out there.


I got divorced when at 39 and I found this whole group of divorced people. It was weird...almost like being 20 again. A lot of divorce seems to happen right around that age.

But there's no doubt that you're dealing with 1/2 the crowd being pretty jaded and not interested in serious relationships.

I think there's a lot of great guys out there since divorce is so common but when you get to a certain age, its more difficult to meet them. They aren't hanging out at bars.


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## parker

I feel better knowing that I'm not the only one who sees the downside of divorce. I'm taking what I read here into consideration and I will try to see things differently. It's tough though. I'm lonely. I meet new people but I still haven't met that special someone. My ex and I do not coparent AT ALL, so I pretty much raise my daughter by myself without any assistance from my ex. I think that those two things are what really make my blood boil.


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## Pluto2

momto2 said:


> This actually makes me feel a lot better. Dating at newly divorced, with kids at 36 isn't fun. I'm glad I'm not the only one with this experience. I feel like a lot of guys at my age are either married, jaded, or just want to sleep around. I'm sure a lot of women are the same way. I guess I'm normal (or so I think), so there must be some normal guys out there.


Just imagine how shallow that pool is for those of us with twenty years on you!


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## Wolf1974

EnigmaGirl said:


> I got divorced when at 39 and I found this whole group of divorced people. It was weird...almost like being 20 again. A lot of divorce seems to happen right around that age.
> 
> But there's no doubt that you're dealing with 1/2 the crowd being pretty jaded and not interested in serious relationships.
> 
> I think there's a lot of great guys out there since divorce is so common but when you get to a certain age, its more difficult to meet them. They aren't hanging out at bars.


I would say this true from the guy side as well. If you are only interested in sex, FWB,or one night stands then Being a single guy or gal around 40 is the way to go. I mean it's crazy to me how it really is like a sex free for all. The down side to that is if you want a relationship good luck finding anyone who will settle down. Maybe that comes at 50 lol


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## Married but Happy

Everyone is going to feel differently. No doubt a lot depends on who decided to divorce and why, and if the left spouse wanted it as well - or not, or was surprised. If you can find a different perspective, it might make it easier to move on.

My first marriage was hell. Separation was far better, but lasted too long and the uncertainty over details was unpleasant. Divorce was wonderful. I was finally free of all the misery, had closure, and I was able to fully move on with my life, which got even better than during separation.


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## askari

I wish more people from the 'Sex in Marriage' forum would pop over and read this.

I am in a sexless marriage...my wife and I aren't even in the same library of life let alone book or page! But we don't fight....well, no more than any other couple does!

Do I want a divorce...??...No. Do I want a sexually (and otherwise) fullfilling relationship?...Yes.
Am I prepared to split my family up (we have two children, 13 and 16) because I want sex?...Hell no.

So, like many husbands in the same position I stay for the above and because there is so much to lose...house, lifestyle, only see the children at weekends etc....

But I will go when the 'damage' caused will be at a minimum.

Many posters on TAM simply say "DIVORCE"..."I can't respect a man who stays with a woman like that"...etc etc.

Whilst for some, divorce is a great release.....for many though its like grieving a death. Painful.


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## Thundarr

parker said:


> I feel better knowing that I'm not the only one who sees the downside of divorce. I'm taking what I read here into consideration and I will try to see things differently. It's tough though. I'm lonely. I meet new people but I still haven't met that special someone. My ex and I do not coparent AT ALL, so I pretty much raise my daughter by myself without any assistance from my ex. I think that those two things are what really make my blood boil.


That would make my blood boil too. Not only are you single and feeling alone but if you've got custody and your ex isn't helping much or coparenting then your ex has a lot of freedom to socialize but you don't. I've heard a lot of women fuming about the same issue when their husband leave and they're left being the parent tied down. It's like salt in the wound when a partner leaves and dumps all of the responsibility on the other one.


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## tripad

Yes I m angry that my children are deprived of a father. Even though he's a weekend father who tries to do "fun things", I m left to do everything else, even being the main financial provider. 

I love my kids dearly but it's tough. No social life as well. But the father seems to be living it up. 

I just wonder when kids grow up what will they think of the father?


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## tripad

SamuraiJack said:


> BetrayedDad said:
> 
> 
> 
> Swap out husband for wife and those are my sentiments.
> 
> Op, once you find the right person, you'll wish you'd gotten divorced sooner. It's the "having to look" again part that sucks about divorce. Not that dating can't be fun but it's definitely hard work to find the right person.
> 
> ALOT of bad apples to go through unfortunately.... It's a numbers game and sometimes it's just dumb luck.
> 
> 
> 
> Yep...Later in life a lot of the good ones are taken...so you are left with...well...what is left.
> The process of going wading into this section of the dating pool can feel very dirty. You run into a lot of damaged, dysfunctional and discouraged people.
> 
> But...sometimes you find ones who have been floating with the others who are ready to move on.
> 
> Just be prepared to take many grains of salt when you start looking again....Like a Margarita's rim full of them.
> 
> Better still, just bring Tequilla.
Click to expand...

Not very encouraging 
Damn
?


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## Thundarr

tripad said:


> Yes I m angry that my children are deprived of a father. Even though he's a weekend father who tries to do "fun things", I m left to do everything else, even being the main financial provider.
> 
> I love my kids dearly but it's tough. No social life as well. But the father seems to be living it up.
> 
> I just wonder when kids grow up what will they think of the father?


I remember who was there and who wasn't. I love both of my parents but my level of respect is very different for them. I suspect that's normal with most kids.


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## SamuraiJack

tripad said:


> Not very encouraging
> Damn
> ?


Think of it like Gold Prospecting...the payoff is rare but it is worth it.


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## Rowan

I'm my son's primary parent. I always have been. Since our divorce, my ex-husband is a "fun, weekend, Dad", which is, sadly, a vast improvement over the largely absentee status he maintained during our marriage. I had to pay him off in the divorce to take our son every other weekend and one evening a week . He didn't want that much time with him. 

Basically, yes, it really sucks when the parent who blew up the marriage and family now has a free pass to live it up as a singleton with little to no responsibility. I have to juggle a lot to find time to date. It's tricky when you basically have 8 nights a month in which to orchestrate a grown-up social life without exposing randoms to your child. Luckily, our son's now old enough that I don't have to hire a sitter if I want to go have dinner on a weeknight. I do not give him specifics about anyone I date, but he's of an age where saying "I have dinner plans tonight" doesn't freak him out. 

However, my son also knows - and has expressed to me - that he's very aware that I'm his _actual_ parent. "Dad's fun and all, but you're the one who really handles stuff." It can sometimes feel really thankless, but children do notice who's doing the work of raising them day-to-day and who can only be bothered if there's some fun distraction going on.


----------



## Regretf

Rowan said:


> I'm my son's primary parent. I always have been. Since our divorce, my ex-husband is a "fun, weekend, Dad", which is, sadly, a vast improvement over the largely absentee status he maintained during our marriage. I had to pay him off in the divorce to take our son every other weekend and one evening a week . He didn't want that much time with him.
> 
> Basically, yes, it really sucks when the parent who blew up the marriage and family now has a free pass to live it up as a singleton with little to no responsibility. I have to juggle a lot to find time to date. It's tricky when you basically have 8 nights a month in which to orchestrate a grown-up social life without exposing randoms to your child. Luckily, our son's now old enough that I don't have to hire a sitter if I want to go have dinner on a weeknight. I do not give him specifics about anyone I date, but he's of an age where saying "I have dinner plans tonight" doesn't freak him out.
> 
> However, my son also knows - and has expressed to me - that he's very aware that I'm his _actual_ parent. "Dad's fun and all, but you're the one who really handles stuff." It can sometimes feel really thankless, but children do notice who's doing the work of raising them day-to-day and who can only be bothered if there's some fun distraction going on.


Well i'm on the opposite side of you. My W is the want that wants the D and she being the mother gets to be the primary parent and have my son's custody while i get visitation rights and every other weekend. I HATE IT. I want to be there everyday for my son. be a part of his up bringing, his education and his day-to-day activities. I hate being a weekend "fun" dad. I'm not at that place in my life, if i was 10-15 years younger maybe but at almost 40 i want to be as much of my son's life as his mother. It sucks because i did not ask for this, but it is what it is and we have to make the most of it. The good side is that the time i spent with him is quality time and i will be shure to be with him every step of the way.


----------



## Chuck71

SamuraiJack said:


> I think the thing that sucks most about being divorced ( aside from the fact that you were forcibly rejected by another person…ahem) is the seeming weirdness that goes on with your friends afterwards. Especially the ones who knew you as a couple. I call these “couple friends”.
> 
> Many times the wives (in my experience ALWAYS the wives) of these “couple friends” put the brakes on you having anything to do with them.
> It’s almost like you pose a danger to the marriage in an actual physical sense. You might “lead their husbands off the beaten track” or maybe “they will see how much fun you are having being single.”
> Some have passively shunned me, while others have downright called me off limits. Apparently my motorcycling, hot tubbing, new swinging life is not to their liking. Hell, one of the reasons I love having a girlfriend is so some of the wives cool down about me.
> I get reports from husbands about inquiries about me: “Soooooo…Is SamuraiJack still seeing that girl?”
> “Yes, honey they are going on three years.”
> That seems to mollify most of them.
> The guys are subdued about it because they don’t want to advertise the idea that their wives control the social stuff…and to quote Richard Pryor; “She’s got the [email protected]!”
> Guys know.
> They mostly just nod and accept that the friendship will need to be low key from now on.
> 
> But if you are single, ESPECIALLY newly single…you get the 10 foot pole treatment behind your back and the “Awww Jack I’m so sorry that happened…Hugz!” in front of you.
> Most guys wouldn’t see this coming because they were too wrapped up in the grief part, but I was being observant.
> Welcome to life as a psychic carrier of typhoid.
> It’s almost like you could infect their marriage.
> 
> Only my best friends remained with me after the divorce.
> One of them told his wife point blank that I would remain his friend until I died.
> 
> Yeah being divorced sucks on some levels, but it’s a whole new lease on life and a hell of a chance to work on yourself and become even more steeped in awesome.
> Although there are exceptions to the rule, most people who haven’t been divorced haven’t gotten the training wheels taken off their lives.



My XW's friends were told.... God only knows. I knew them 15 years.

I told the guys, "believe what you want but if you want to hear the 

other side of the story, ask. I will not offer unless you ask." If they want to

believe the love and glory but then bow to 'it was always bad' go for it.

Funny... my 1st love's aunt was best friends with my XW. 1st love would

send me posts. OMG.... if they want to believe that I have a bridge in

Brooklyn I want to sell you :rofl:


----------



## EnigmaGirl

> I wish more people from the 'Sex in Marriage' forum would pop over and read this.
> 
> I am in a sexless marriage...my wife and I aren't even in the same library of life let alone book or page! But we don't fight....well, no more than any other couple does!
> 
> Do I want a divorce...??...No. Do I want a sexually (and otherwise) fullfilling relationship?...Yes.
> Am I prepared to split my family up (we have two children, 13 and 16) because I want sex?...Hell no.
> 
> So, like many husbands in the same position I stay for the above and because there is so much to lose...house, lifestyle, only see the children at weekends etc....
> 
> But I will go when the 'damage' caused will be at a minimum.
> 
> Many posters on TAM simply say "DIVORCE"..."I can't respect a man who stays with a woman like that"...etc etc.
> 
> Whilst for some, divorce is a great release.....for many though its like grieving a death. Painful.


I'm happily remarried and I've been through a long tedious divorce but I can tell you that if my current husband stopped having sex with me, I'd divorce him within a month barring some extraordinary medical condition.

Some people can live in sexless marriages and that's a compromise that they're willing to make but its not for everyone. A lot of people really can't survive in a relationship without sex and/or affection...there's nothing wrong with someone requesting a divorce based on the lack of sex.

Divorce isn't painful for everyone. For me, although the process was tiresome and expensive...it was well worth it in the end for both me and my children. One of the best moments of my adult life was the day I moved out of my then marital home.

You can't apply the same rules to all marriages and divorces....its a very individualized process.


----------



## tripad

Thundarr said:


> tripad said:
> 
> 
> 
> Yes I m angry that my children are deprived of a father. Even though he's a weekend father who tries to do "fun things", I m left to do everything else, even being the main financial provider.
> 
> I love my kids dearly but it's tough. No social life as well. But the father seems to be living it up.
> 
> I just wonder when kids grow up what will they think of the father?
> 
> 
> 
> I remember who was there and who wasn't. I love both of my parents but my level of respect is very different for them. I suspect that's normal with most kids.
Click to expand...

Yes 

The respect is different. N the love too.

They listen to me. 
They obey me. 
They went out with dad n always keep some food aside to pack n bring back to share with me - either a piece of chicken or some fries - sweet . 
They care when they pissed me off 

The dad doesn't have that.
They control the dad. They realise they have the power to.control.him now as he will.do anything to.please them now.


----------



## tripad

Rowan said:


> I'm my son's primary parent. I always have been. Since our divorce, my ex-husband is a "fun, weekend, Dad", which is, sadly, a vast improvement over the largely absentee status he maintained during our marriage. I had to pay him off in the divorce to take our son every other weekend and one evening a week . He didn't want that much time with him.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Basically, yes, it really sucks when the parent who blew up the marriage and family now has a free pass to live it up as a singleton with little to no responsibility. I have to juggle a lot to find time to date. It's tricky when you basically have 8 nights a month in which to orchestrate a grown-up social life without exposing randoms to your child. Luckily, our son's now old enough that I don't have to hire a sitter if I want to go have dinner on a weeknight. I do not give him specifics about anyone I date, but he's of an age where saying "I have dinner plans tonight" doesn't freak him out.
> 
> However, my son also knows - and has expressed to me - that he's very aware that I'm his _actual_ parent. "Dad's fun and all, but you're the one who really handles stuff." It can sometimes feel really thankless, but children do notice who's doing the work of raising them day-to-day and who can only be bothered if there's some fun distraction going on.


In my case, I wanted the divorce, ex financially n physically abused me when I asked about finances. 

No third parties both ends. Not sure if he has anyone now. 

Same as you, I wonder why when in the marriage, he didn't bother with kids. 

Now divorce, he strives to please them on Saturdays!!! Guilty? 

Well, at least u have dates!!!!! 

I don't even have a date partner. I didn't tell anyone abt the divorce except 3 persons. N I'm busy working n over kids school.


----------



## tripad

SamuraiJack said:


> tripad said:
> 
> 
> 
> Not very encouraging
> Damn
> ?
> 
> 
> 
> Think of it like Gold Prospecting...the payoff is rare but it is worth it.
Click to expand...

Hahaha 

I better start mining


----------



## askari

My wife and I were at a dinner party on Saturday night....there were about 24 people there.

There was a 'lone' woman at the party. I'v known her well enough over the past 8 years or so to ask how she is, how the children are etc.
She has a lovely smile and I have always found her very attractive. I also know that she got divorced about 3 years ago.

SamuraiJacks post got me thinking....I know she's divorced, I assume she is single...uuummmmm..... 
She is probably fed up with married men hitting on her!

I'm not going to one of them.....because I am still married. But I wish I knew her well enough to be able to ask her about her divorce...what caused it, what life is like post divorce etc. She seems to be doing OK.

I also know of anotehr couple who recently got divorced. Her husband is refusing to give her and their children any financial support claiming he has no money....
After 10 years living an expat life (with all the perks) she is having to go back to the UK because she needs the welfare state.
She will have to apply for free housing, free education, free school meals etc etc.
Sad.
Well...thats what she is saying. Every coin has two sides though....


----------



## tripad

The fact she's going back UK 
N tell all she's in welfare 
I believe her

Who would want to admit to be on welfare? 

My ex doesn't provide while separated n I m too embarrassed to tell many pp since I m able to support. Prefer to maintain my dignity n pride.


----------



## momto2

Even though we have shared custody, I spend way more time with the kids. My ex doesn't get home from work until 6:30-7 most days (mostly because he is too lazy to get to work on time). Even on the days he is supposed to pick up our son, I still get to spend 2-3 hours with him. I usually get home by 4-4:30. It sometimes annoys me that all the afterschool stuff falls on me, but I'm also happy that I get to spend so much time with my children. I just wish he would take that into consideration and give me some money for groceries. I have to feed our son either dinner or an after school snack every day. It adds up. If I say anything to my ex he says, "Well, he can eat dinner at my house when I get home." So, a growing 11-year-old boy is supposed to wait until 7 to eat dinner when he had lunch at 12? Ugh! Plus I'm paying really high rent to live in a good school district. My ex says that he can just go to the school by his house since "it doesn't really matter where a kid goes to school." Sorry...end of rant!


----------



## Shoto1984

sherri1997 said:


> I hate it most for the kids because they didn't deserve this and they deserved better.


I don't hate being divorced. My marriage was so bad that the end was like having the earth lifted off my shoulders. In weak moments all I have to do is think about what went on and its not just a "yes" its a "hell yes". But then there are the kids. They are the reason I stayed so long, put up with so much, tried so hard. They are the reason I'm having such a hard time moving toward forgiveness of the ex. Half of the experience of being a parent has been taken from me. Half of the experience of having their dad with them has been taken from them. Spring break is on here and I've just dropped them to their mother after having them for five days straight. The energy, the life, the joy they bring is beyond words. I even miss the fighting, the tears and the awful pop songs sung thousands of times over and over.... I don't see how I ever get over having to say goodbye to them and the "punched in the gut" feeling that comes with that. Forgiveness........hmmmm.


----------



## Hardtohandle

It gets better.

You are just pining for your Ex wife and lonely.. 

Once you date and yes have some sex it makes you feel better.. Its just as simple as realizing that you actually are attractive and that the opposite sex is interested.. 

Its been a year for you and you still feel this way ? How about some therapy ? 

I'm telling you go out and date.. If you open up your eyes you will see there are TONS of single people out there looking for someone to be with.. 

Current GF asked me if I would go back online if we broke up.. I told her no, there were just too many women I can meet in the street and at work I didn't need a dating site.. She didn't like to hear that..

You just need to FORCE yourself to move on..


----------



## pragmaster

Some days I wake up and think to myself that I hate being divorced. I get sad, angry, passive, careless and then the wheel cycles again. 

My friends saw it coming and so did my family, yet I tried to defy the odds. I am hopeless romantic, and I really did love my wife. So for me this whole divorce has been a true detriment to my self-esteem, not to mention insulting (she cheated). 

I think part of the hatred is resistance. You need to let go man. I struggle every day too with it. Eventually you have to realize that 50% of this is indeed your fault, and you need to forgive her for her 50%.

Know this:

-The universe is perfectly imperfect. Everything happens for a reason.

-Look at where you are now and the things that have changed in your life. Maybe you met new people, had new business changes, etc... All these good things (don't look at the bad) would not have occurred if this all didn't happen.

-The hardships of relationships strengthen us.

I've dated a lot of women since my divorce a year ago, and still I get mad sometimes. Why? Because I compare these new girls to her. Why? Because I have not fully let go yet. It could take years.

Be strong and patient my friend.


----------



## Chuck71

I lived at home until I was 25, year after graduating college I met my later XW

I was with her from 1997 to 2012. I moved into one side of my duplex

the last month of 60 day wait for D final (mom lived there so it wasn't 

a big change) and the couple months it took to clean my house up.

By that time, the girl I met before D final, I was staying at her place

pretty much every night. So she moved right in. This ended back in the fall.

I have never lived alone. It feels very odd. I miss coming home to someone / 

me being there when they get in. Watching a movie.... by yourself,

going to bed...... by yourself. I feel like I am serving time in

"solitary confinement"


----------



## SamuraiJack

One thing I dislike about being single again is cooking.
I LOVE to cook...but only for other people.

Cooking is my way of saying "I really care about you and here is something TOTALLY yummy."

I have the kids every other week so sometimes shopping is light and sometimes not. 

But when I dont have them I feel sort of weird making anything fancy or even too involved. Half the time I will just have a ham sandwhich or quick leftovers and call it a night...maybe nachos if I am so inclined.

When the kids, or my gal, are over I'm great...Cordon Blue, Scottish Stew, Italian, Chinese, Indian, Mexican...whatever.

One thing I am really self conscious of is when I buy a steak for myself. 
You can just TELL that I am portioning for 1 person.
Most of the gals at the store know my story ( my daughter works there ) but sometime the new ones will give you "that look".

I hate "that look".


----------



## Regretf

That's not something i look forward to either, but what can i do, i don't have much choice do i?


----------



## SamuraiJack

Regretf said:


> That's not something i look forward to either, but what can i do, i don't have much choice do i?


I have taken to buying two steaks and putting one in the freezer..


----------



## BoyScout

I have not gotten used to not being a couple. With only a few exceptions, my friends are all married. As often as we go out as 'just the guys' we'll go out with wives. That is the one time when I really feel broken. Twice since the split, I've been able to bring a date to a gathering. While we're just friends, it is so nice to feel part of a couple in a social situation.


----------



## tripad

Surprisingly n strangely I got used to being alone. On sat tt kids r with the father, I actually had a nice lunch alone outside, despite the strange looks I get sometimes . I guess I m busy with work n kids on the other six days so I didn't mind having a day of freedom. N all these 20 yrs married, I m pretty much "alone" too.


----------



## Thundarr

What sucks about divorce is not just being alone but being alone during a tough time. A time when you're questioning if you're part of the reason things didn't work out and if so then maybe things will never work out but only repeat themselves. One saving grace for me was that being single, even though I didn't like it much, was better than the last part of the marriage. It sucked at the end of it to be lying right next to my wife but feel alone. But those things make us stronger and if we're willing to then we learn from it.

It helped me when single to just let go of the notion I could fix anyone other than myself. I fixed my own issues and didn't accept blame for my ex's issues. Part of fixing me included knowing to run when character red flags popped up in someone I was dating. Life's too short to make the same mistakes over. 

So Parker, date a little but watch for those red flags. Be ready to stop, drop, and roll. Adopt a companion (pup or kitten). Spend time with your kids and take lots of pictures. And most importantly if there's something you can't control then 'pfff whatever' it. You'll become attractive women around you who wouldn't have noticed before. Some people love the single life but for those of us who don't, we still have to be content with single until the right person comes around. Being content and having high expectations is part of the attraction that makes a good woman proud to land you. And then guess what? You'll have a GOOD woman.

EDIT TO ADD: This applies for both genders I suspect.


----------



## Chuck71

SamuraiJack said:


> One thing I dislike about being single again is cooking.
> I LOVE to cook...but only for other people.
> 
> Cooking is my way of saying "I really care about you and here is something TOTALLY yummy."
> 
> I have the kids every other week so sometimes shopping is light and sometimes not.
> 
> But when I dont have them I feel sort of weird making anything fancy or even too involved. Half the time I will just have a ham sandwhich or quick leftovers and call it a night...maybe nachos if I am so inclined.
> 
> When the kids, or my gal, are over I'm great...Cordon Blue, Scottish Stew, Italian, Chinese, Indian, Mexican...whatever.
> 
> One thing I am really self conscious of is when I buy a steak for myself.
> You can just TELL that I am portioning for 1 person.
> Most of the gals at the store know my story ( my daughter works there ) but sometime the new ones will give you "that look".
> 
> I hate "that look".


There are days where I forget to eat. Like you.... I

don't mind cooking for others. When it's just me.....

PB sammy. I used to wonder why mom stopped cooking

after pop died and I moved out.... now I know. One thing I

do miss is getting great news and no one there to share it

with. Still to this day I can't help but think, wow this is great,

can't wait to tell WC. Then I fast forward, can't wait to tell UG.

Then it hits you. When you're in a store there has to be a look

single people give off. And on nights when you are feeling more 

down than usual.....every other person you see in the store are 

with someone.... and extremely happy. And they look at you like 

a three legged dog.


----------



## Regretf

Chuck71 said:


> There are days where I forget to eat. Like you.... I
> 
> don't mind cooking for others. When it's just me.....
> 
> PB sammy. I used to wonder why mom stopped cooking
> 
> after pop died and I moved out.... now I know. One thing I
> 
> do miss is getting great news and no one there to share it
> 
> with. Still to this day I can't help but think, wow this is great,
> 
> can't wait to tell WC. Then I fast forward, can't wait to tell UG.
> 
> Then it hits you. When you're in a store there has to be a look
> 
> single people give off. And on nights when you are feeling more
> 
> down than usual.....every other person you see in the store are
> 
> with someone.... and extremely happy. And they look at you like
> 
> a three legged dog.


That sucks. Not looking forward to that either.


----------



## proudwidaddy

Wow just read this and I hate being alone after a relationship with ex gf that I thought could be better than my marriage. I wont see my kids until next Thursday and I miss what I thought we had. I hate knowing what we had turned out to be fake at the end. I hate that betrayal always comes from those closest. I would've died for this person and now it feels like im dying without this person


----------



## Chuck71

proudwidaddy said:


> Wow just read this and I hate being alone after a relationship with ex gf that I thought could be better than my marriage. I wont see my kids until next Thursday and I miss what I thought we had. I hate knowing what we had turned out to be fake at the end. I hate that betrayal always comes from those closest. I would've died for this person and now it feels like im dying without this person


Look inwards within you, find your strength 

she left, her loss..... improve yourself for the next woman

BTW when you do..... the ex gf always notices


----------



## tripad

Thundarr said:


> What sucks about divorce is not just being alone but being alone during a tough time. A time when you're questioning if you're part of the reason things didn't work out and if so then maybe things will never work out but only repeat themselves. One saving grace for me was that being single, even though I didn't like it much, was better than the last part of the marriage. It sucked at the end of it to be lying right next to my wife but feel alone. But those things make us stronger and if we're willing to then we learn from it.
> 
> It helped me when single to just let go of the notion I could fix anyone other than myself. I fixed my own issues and didn't accept blame for my ex's issues. Part of fixing me included knowing to run when character red flags popped up in someone I was dating. Life's too short to make the same mistakes over.
> 
> So Parker, date a little but watch for those red flags. Be ready to stop, drop, and roll. Adopt a companion (pup or kitten). Spend time with your kids and take lots of pictures. And most importantly if there's something you can't control then 'pfff whatever' it. You'll become attractive women around you who wouldn't have noticed before. Some people love the single life but for those of us who don't, we still have to be content with single until the right person comes around. Being content and having high expectations is part of the attraction that makes a good woman proud to land you. And then guess what? You'll have a GOOD woman.
> 
> EDIT TO ADD: This applies for both genders I suspect.


Right. 
Great I m on right track. 

Was just wondering if my expectation is too high. N u nail it. My expectation is just fine. The checklist is longer now that I have kids. 

I m waiting for the right man. Not settling for less. Not going to get anymore sh-it. Or else I rather stay alone.


----------



## tripad

Chuck71 said:


> proudwidaddy said:
> 
> 
> 
> Wow just read this and I hate being alone after a relationship with ex gf that I thought could be better than my marriage. I wont see my kids until next Thursday and I miss what I thought we had. I hate knowing what we had turned out to be fake at the end. I hate that betrayal always comes from those closest. I would've died for this person and now it feels like im dying without this person
> 
> 
> 
> Look inwards within you, find your strength
> 
> she left, her loss..... improve yourself for the next woman
> 
> BTW when you do..... the ex gf always notices
Click to expand...

Well now you know she's not worth dying for. 

Maybe you all can gather n cook for the rest of us who likes to eat n not cook ????


----------



## Ynot

Chuck71 said:


> There are days where I forget to eat. Like you.... I
> 
> don't mind cooking for others. When it's just me.....
> 
> PB sammy. I used to wonder why mom stopped cooking
> 
> after pop died and I moved out.... now I know. One thing I
> 
> do miss is getting great news and no one there to share it
> 
> with. Still to this day I can't help but think, wow this is great,
> 
> can't wait to tell WC. Then I fast forward, can't wait to tell UG.
> 
> Then it hits you. When you're in a store there has to be a look
> 
> single people give off. And on nights when you are feeling more
> 
> down than usual.....every other person you see in the store are
> 
> with someone.... and extremely happy. And they look at you like
> 
> a three legged dog.


Eating when you want, what you want is a good thing about being divorced. I try to eat healthy but there have been many an evening when I get home after a work out and just have a bagel with cream cheese or a PB/Jelly sandwich because I can. Much more simpler than meat/potato/vegetable dinner.
Not having that some one to discuss your life with good or bad is not a good thing. Having friends helps. Your true friends will celebrate and/or suffer right there with you.
The happy couples you see while you are out? Well you really don't know that. For all you know they are living out the same farce you were in the day BEFORE your marriage fell apart. One thing I have learned is that few relationships are what they appear to be from the outside. The happy couple you imagine have been married for 30 years? They may have just met a year ago.


----------



## Chuck71

tripad said:


> Well now you know she's not worth dying for.
> 
> Maybe you all can gather n cook for the rest of us who likes to eat n not cook ????


:rofl: Since it is quite cold in my part of the US, I will be making homemade chili.

I can put mine up against grandma's any day.


----------



## Chuck71

Ynot said:


> Eating when you want, what you want is a good thing about being divorced. I try to eat healthy but there have been many an evening when I get home after a work out and just have a bagel with cream cheese or a PB/Jelly sandwich because I can. Much more simpler than meat/potato/vegetable dinner.
> Not having that some one to discuss your life with good or bad is not a good thing. Having friends helps. Your true friends will celebrate and/or suffer right there with you.
> The happy couples you see while you are out? Well you really don't know that. For all you know they are living out the same farce you were in the day BEFORE your marriage fell apart. One thing I have learned is that few relationships are what they appear to be from the outside. The happy couple you imagine have been married for 30 years? They may have just met a year ago.


You are correct. How many times do you see couples on FB who always

post happy couple / family pictures but come to find out..... they are getting D

two weeks later. Some I know somewhat well and I can look at their expression

and tell..... they are putting up a façade. If you saw UG and I in a store

four months before it went to crap, you'd think 'what a happy couple.'


----------



## JWTBL

I actually went to a local diner today after work, by myself, where it was very likely there would be people there that I knew, and ordered a burger and sat there and ate it, alone, in public! I was hungry and knew I didnt have any food at home, so I did it. And guess what? I didn't die, the earth didn't swallow me up, people didn't point at me and say"oh, what a pathetic, sad woman, sitting there all alone". In fact there were quite a few other people also eating alone. 
Divorce, although unwanted, forces us to come out of ourselves and become braver and more adventurous. And I like it!


----------



## Openminded

^^^

I totally agree. 

I had never lived on my own or been responsible for myself. I spent 45.5 years with my ex-husband. To the rest of the world, we looked like the perfect couple -- great relationship (with everything imaginable in life). We weren't. 

I spent today picking out new bedding for my new bed. The first one in my entire life that I picked out and bought and paid for all on my own without consideration for anyone else. It's priceless. 

I relish each time I do something new alone. I feel giddy. It tells me things are great just as they are. I love my life!!


----------



## tripad

Chuck71 said:


> tripad said:
> 
> 
> 
> Well now you know she's not worth dying for.
> 
> Maybe you all can gather n cook for the rest of us who likes to eat n not cook ????
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Since it is quite cold in my part of the US, I will be making homemade chili.
> 
> I can put mine up against grandma's any day.
Click to expand...

Won't beat my Asian chilli which will make you breathe like a dragon after. Too far to send you some . Hee hee?


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## tripad

Chuck71 said:


> Ynot said:
> 
> 
> 
> Eating when you want, what you want is a good thing about being divorced. I try to eat healthy but there have been many an evening when I get home after a work out and just have a bagel with cream cheese or a PB/Jelly sandwich because I can. Much more simpler than meat/potato/vegetable dinner.
> Not having that some one to discuss your life with good or bad is not a good thing. Having friends helps. Your true friends will celebrate and/or suffer right there with you.
> The happy couples you see while you are out? Well you really don't know that. For all you know they are living out the same farce you were in the day BEFORE your marriage fell apart. One thing I have learned is that few relationships are what they appear to be from the outside. The happy couple you imagine have been married for 30 years? They may have just met a year ago.
> 
> 
> 
> You are correct. How many times do you see couples on FB who always
> 
> post happy couple / family pictures but come to find out..... they are getting D
> 
> two weeks later. Some I know somewhat well and I can look at their expression
> 
> and tell..... they are putting up a façade. If you saw UG and I in a store
> 
> four months before it went to crap, you'd think 'what a happy couple.'
Click to expand...

Yup

I n ex were the golden couple too. 

Just because I wasn't telling what he did. I only said nice things. 

Now I look at couples n my thoughts are u never know what happens behind closed doors.


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## Chuck71

tripad said:


> Yup
> 
> I n ex were the golden couple too.
> 
> Just because I wasn't telling what he did. I only said nice things.
> 
> Now I look at couples n my thoughts are u never know what happens behind closed doors.


Pop always told me many families put on "A Grand Illusion"

I had just bought Styx Greatest Hits a couple weeks before and I remembered

the group had a song by that name. He hit the nail on the head.


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## Ynot

tripad said:


> Yup
> 
> I n ex were the golden couple too.
> 
> Just because I wasn't telling what he did. I only said nice things.
> 
> Now I look at couples n my thoughts are u never know what happens behind closed doors.


The universal response to the news of our divorce was SHOCK.
I too think the same thing when I look at couples now.


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## momto2

People who weren't close to us were shocked. Any close friends were not surprised.


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## tripad

Does that mean when you are divorced, you won't be shocked anymore when u hear your friend's sh-it N they are go to divorce. ?


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## tripad

I asked bcoz 

A gf who is a house wife n still married was shock n decided to stay away from me. I was hurt. She was the first gf I went to. 

Another gf a divorced lawyer is not shock n deal out advice. 

A gf, her husband died from cancer, a loving husband to her, she was not shock, she is a church counsellor So she hears alot of inside stories 

A guy friend, divorced himself, didn't think my story was ridiculous n believe n supported me. 

So i decided not to tell other married couples I'm divorced.


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## BlueWoman

Ynot said:


> It has only been 6 months for me. I hate it as well. Everyone says it will get better. I don't know how long it takes. But I am sure each of us is different. In the end I know it comes to simply accepting what has happened and moving on. We both know we can't go back in time. We can't change the past. It is what it is. We may know it, but until we can actually accept it, we cannot move on. I am still struggling with accepting it. I imagine I will wake up soon and it will all have been a bad dream. I imagine that my ex will wake up and we can get back together. Imagining and imagining has kept me from accepting. Regardless of how you untangle the ball of string, it still comes down to doing what is best for you.


Haven't read the whole thread, but this reminds me of something. 

When I was married I would have dreams of my ex doing horrible things like abandoning me or cheating on me. We used to joke that the H in my dreams was "Bad H." At some point after D day, I realized "Oh my God, Bad H got out."


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## Chuck71

I may roll out trash for pick up every three weeks now. I don't cook for myself. See no reason.

The cabinets are empty. I buy meal to meal. When girl #4.1 comes over for evening

it's still meal to meal. When I was married or in my LTR with ex g/f,

the cabinets were full. I actually did the shopping. I had the extra free time.

I do cook a few things which are my favorites but it is more for my sanity than hunger.

Mom will come over and stay maybe once a week and when she does, I talk her

into cooking. To say being D is a disruption is an understatement. 

Certain things you were focused into, you had a game plan for. When you're single it's like

some one stuck your a$$ in the desert and asked you to grow corn.


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## SamuraiJack

Use a clean glass...ALWAYS.

Sometimes you MUST cook yourself a meal you love...because YOU love it.

Remember that you sacrificed so much to have another in your life...what is different now?
Make your space now...and let the second person into it...later.


Your life experienced a dry spell...will it last forever?


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