# Husband and the Party Scene...help from Men



## concerned

Hello all...

My husband and I have been married for six years now and we've had our ups and downs in regards to him ALWAYS wanting to go out and party. With or without me, he goes out to bars and clubs and has been since we were 16 (now 27)! I have come to accept the fact that he still enjoys going out while I enjoy a nice coffee with a girlfriend. 

However, the problem that has been bringing us down the past six months is that he goes out once every week with all single male friends to a club, that isn't the worst part, he gets so drunk, he can't drive home, which is about a 25 minute drive. I am completely against drinking and driving, but I don't think it is right for a married man with a family to stay out all night with his single buddies. He ends up coming home the next morning at around noon, hung over! He says that I am the one who doesn't understand his need for "male bonding". Am I being too hard on him??


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## psychocandy

Sorry - does he drive when hes drunk then? Thats not cool.

As for the going out, hmm, once a week isnt excessive I guess. What his excuse for staying out all night?

My wife does it because its easier for them all to get a taxi to once place after a night out. And I dont like her getting a taxi on her own anyway (and its expensive!).


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## Earthmother1970

Do you have any children?


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## LucyInSC

Going out with his friends is not the big issue. Him getting so drunk he can't drive home and being hung over the next day is worse. He should be responsible enough to spend a few hours with his "male bonding" and come home in good shape. That is what I would focus my objection to. Ask him to have a serious talk with you. Tell him how this makes you feel. Don't attack him. Ask him if he will agree to some rules concerning his "nights out" so you won't worry. If you just demand him not to do it, he probably won't respond.


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## GPR

Once a week is not excessive just in itself, especially if you don't have children in your lives. 

I don't think the amount of times he goes out is the problem... it seems like it's what he's doing that's the problem. Getting that drunk and staying out all night that often, I would be more worried he has a problem. 

Alcohol problems aren't just with people drinking all day. Some are people who consider themselves social drinkers, but just get too excessive when they do drink and don't know their limits.


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## GAsoccerman

Well here is my solution...

Since you are married and have kids, he likes to go out with his male friends and party every weekend.


It is time for negotiating...

4 weekends in a month normally...

he can go out every other weekend with the boys and with you and the kids the other.

Or

set something up like this...

weekend 1. Family weekend....

weekend 2. you and him go out on a date, canmeet friends for dinner and drinks, or something you two can do together.

weekend 3. Family weekend....

weekend 4 he can go party with the boys.

While I like to go out and party with my boys, it is also important to balance it with family time, your children are only young for so long.

PLus a date between you two and having some fun will help out.

he needs to find a balance between the two.

If his friends rag him for taking care of his family, well then they are not really men yet, just boys.


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## concerned

To answer some of the questions asked. Yes, we have a five year old daughter and we "were" trying for baby #2. 

His excuses for not coming home are that he can't drink and drive. A cab would cost about $50 bucks to bring him home and his buddies are not going to drive 25 min at 2am. 

I have then tried to offer some suggestions similar to what GAsoccerman offered. I asked him to go out three times a month with his buddies but only drink to where he is legal to drive home and on the last weekend, if he wants to get wasted, then I'll go out with him that night and I'll drive us home. He says, "no, because then when do I get to go out and get hammered with my guy friends?" 

So then I offer to stay at my sister's house(which is in the area he goes out to) and then pick him up after so we can come home. He says, "it's not appropriate for a wife to pick up her husband at a club at 2am!"

I then suggest he go out to clubs with his friends but the day he feels he wants to get hammered, to invite his friends to our house or go out somewhere in our area and that way he is already here and have his buddies worry about what they want to do, either stay the night or cab it home. They are the single ones, no one waiting at home for them! But of course his answer is, "No, I am not going to invite them to the house because it is lame and they won't have fun, plus there is no good places to go out over here. You just don't understand that I want to go out and have fun with the guys."

Am I really not to get upset at this behavior? I mean, I need to know if I am overreacting and bringing down our marriage or if he is being childish himself.


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## concerned

His excuses are that he cannot drink and drive ( I understand). That a cab would be like $50 to bring him home and that his friends will not drive him home at 2am.


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## GPR

Question:

How often do the two of you go out together? And how often do you go out as family?


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## dcrim

Sounds like he's an immature, alcoholic, juvenile, little jerk. 

If he wants to hang with his unmarried buddies, why did he get married in the first place? 

He has responsibilities. Period. And those are at home, not in a club. 

Frankly, if it were me, I'd demand, DEMAND, that he stop going out with his buddies. He won't like that and will likely get pissed. 

If he throws a fit, tell him to move out and have a good life. It IS that serious.


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## Peridot

It seems my husband and I always go out together... in fact, he won't go anywhere without me!!! For those who think that is good, it gets old after a while (If I don't want to go, he gets in a huff because he wanted to go somewhere, even if it's somewhere inane like the hardware store - seriously!!). 

He is in a rock band, and I go to _almost_ every show. Occasionally, we have difficulty working around schedules and other things, and I can't make it, but that's usually only about once a year. 

Every once in a while I wish he would go out by himself with buddies... I sure get tired of getting dragged along all the time... most of the time, being the DD. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad he is smart and responsible, but a lot of times I just wish he curbed the partying a little and went out himself.


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## concerned

My husband does try to make time for us. The problem is that if I can't find a babysitter, he just says, "well, i guess you're staying home tonight then." Seriously, he makes it seem like our daughter is only my responsibility and if I can't find a babysitter to go out and party with him, then that is my fault, but he still has the right to go out!! If we do go out together, it is probably once a month. We do dinners often at least once a week, but go out the two of us and dance or just drink, it probably only once a month.


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## GPR

concerned said:


> My husband does try to make time for us. The problem is that if I can't find a babysitter, he just says, "well, i guess you're staying home tonight then." Seriously, he makes it seem like our daughter is only my responsibility and if I can't find a babysitter to go out and party with him, then that is my fault, but he still has the right to go out!! If we do go out together, it is probably once a month. We do dinners often at least once a week, but go out the two of us and dance or just drink, it probably only once a month.


That's a problem right there. You need to talk. 

If I said; "Well, I guess you're staying home tonight then" to my wife?!?! I would be in some serious crap. My wife would probably shove me out the door, tell me to have fun, then lock the doors and not let me back in for a few days. That's messed up right there.


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## MsStacy

:iagree:

That is exactly what I would do!

_*I*_ did not have children, _*WE*_ had children. And _*WE*_ will share in the responsiblity of those children. If my H were to say something like that to me, his world would come crashing down....really fast!


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## concerned

I greatly appreciate the feedback I've been getting. I was just worried that I was making a bigger deal out of it, but obviously there is something wrong. Thank you all so much for you kind words and wise advice.


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