# How to deal with birthdays, holidays, etc



## KNIFE IN THE HEART (Oct 20, 2011)

Was married 17 years, got the I don't love you talk almost 2 years ago, working on moving on, stbxh is dating his cousin (yes, first cousin, his mom and her dad are siblings), very hard to accept this but ... I have a question (and some venting) about holidays.

My son's BD is today. My stbxh was going to take him for dinner. I texted him at 5:20 pm to see if "she" was going". If not, I would have gone too. I figure, I'm the mom, shouldn't I be celebrating with him? Got a text 5 min. later from him saying he had hurt his back in the afternoon and asked if I could take our son out for supper. So, one question, does it sound suspicious that when he got a tricky question to answer he all of a sudden couldn't go out? He didn't even say anything to our son. I was the one who told him that his dad couldn't go out.

Another question, if "she" had any class, wouldn't "she" say "I will stay home, his mom should be with him on his BD"? Isn't it kind of ignorant that "she" doesn't think about this?

Another thing that really hurts is, my in-laws are coming from out of country for xmas. They want to see me, I want to see them, but "she' is going to be there. Why is it that the person who didn't want to end the marriage (me) is the one who is alone at xmas? I am going to work at a soup kitchen over the holidays so I don't wind up sitting at home having a pity party. But, it's so tough. Especially since I was always the one who did all of the work for holidays and stbxh couldn't care less about holidays. 

And for those just starting the process and wondering how long it takes to get over the ex, I'm still working on it. I finally had the strength to tell him to stop calling me to talk, to stop saying he just wants to be friends (side note, this is the man who always said men and women can't be friends ... strange!), etc. Not that he listened, he just offered to buy my snowmobile permit. Problem is, I work with him so I do have to deal with him on some things.

Hadn't seen him for a few weeks - when I finally did I realized how fat he's getting. (This comment is just for venting purposes!!) I think I'm finally getting to the point where I see him for the as...le he is (his words) but there are times when I think I would take him back. I really hope I am close to the end of the roller coaster ride! Divorce will be happening any day now and I can't wait!! Even going to change my name (to my mom's maiden name, long story, totally different forum!)

Be strong everyone. Every day gone by is another day less of pain and closer to joy!!


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## how was your day? (Oct 10, 2012)

You should do something seperate with him on his Birthday, good riddance to ur husband, that is just ... wrong on so many levels.

break away from that part of your life, don't contact any of his family
move on
read up on the 180, do it, do it for yourself, let him go, you are better than him


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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

Knife - I can so relate to this post. I am in the same boat. 

I will be spending holiday time with friends since I have no family in Florida yet STBXH who had an affair and has little or no family values gets to have the full family Thanskgiving and Christmas with my in laws. I am still very close to my inlaws and they stated they much rather have me and daughter there than there own son, however, they will not sway from family.

Now I am having a "friendsgiving" while cheater takes our child with him to the big holiday celebration. I already warned him that if his tramp shows up, that my daughter would be calling me immediately for pickup. 

I get sad to think that I was the one who was the faithful and loyal wife for 16 years yet I am the one who needs to make other plans.

It is not fair.


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## KNIFE IN THE HEART (Oct 20, 2011)

How was your day, 
You've brought up a good point - should I break off contact with his family? It would be horribly difficult. They are great people and the only family I have. But, it is difficult keeping in contact with them. And I love my nieces and nephew. How do I cut them out of my life?

I used to keep in touch with my SIL through FB but now I avoid it because I don't want to see a pic of my stbxh with "her". But I love my SIL, she has been so supportive of me throughout all of this. And his family is not happy about the whole cousin thing. 

It is so tough. Divorce is not just between two people, the ripple effects are huge. 

I know I would be better off doing the 180 but because of the business we are in together I can't completely get him out. My stbxh works with my father and he's a great asset to the company. My father would never get rid of him because of that. So, in that case I'm stuck.

GRRRR, why can't there be some kind of manual for life's difficult questions??


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## KNIFE IN THE HEART (Oct 20, 2011)

Frustrated,

Thanks so much for sharing! It makes me feel better, not that you are suffering but that I'm not the only one. I guess I was feeling like I was being punished or something. Too bad we don't live closer - we could have a real holiday blow out!!

I do try to remember what a great job I did for my kids over the years and what great holiday memories they will have because of me. You should think the same!

And I strongly believe in karma. There is a time coming when we will have such fantastic family holidays that the lonely holidays will be forgotten.


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## Raffles (Oct 20, 2012)

Hi all, glad to know what I'm feeling isn't just me.. Our separation wasn't my idea, I have been fighting tooth and nail to try to reach H but to no avail., 
I also feel so angry and upset about these special occasions.. My inner thoughts exactly, why do we have to continue to b hurt, why do we have to loose out on these times.. Especially as u have said, it's always been us making it special, putting in the extra miles., it tears me up to b apart from my kids.. It makes me so resentful. I'm glad to read it just not me, as at times I think to myself that I'm being a *****., but it is obvious to me it is natural and all part of the grieving period..


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