# Where do I go from here?



## stripeywigwam (Nov 22, 2013)

I’ve been following posts for a number of weeks and I’m hoping some of the great advice might help me in my situation. I’ve been married ten years and I have three wonderful children. I love my wife and I am still very attracted to her. Our frequency of sex has declined to a state of maybe once every three months. My wife has not initiated sex for a number of years. I am often told that I am a great father and I have a good job which does take up some of my evening time although I am never working from when my children get home until they go to bed. I probably manage around half the week of not having to work in the evenings. My wife wanted to bring up the children and she does a great job. 

We have had a conversation about sex and my wife gets very teary and says that she cannot contemplate sex as she feels we need to spend more time together in the evenings. We agreed that no matter what the work situation is, we would spend three nights of the week where we don’t undertake any work. We have done our best to keep to this. Often I give her massages (she loves having back and foot massages) and we talk a lot. Recently she has made a point of not going to bed at the same time and if she says she is tired she still manages to find time to play on the computer or read etc. Obviously she knows our sex life is a problem and I understand that it’s a two way thing I’m just wondering what else I can do.
Please, any help!


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

Sorry about your sex life...your story is all too common and I'm surprised no one else has responded yet.
There are many reasons sex drops off, but yours is by far way less than desirable for most anyone wanting to stay in a healthy relationship.
I noticed you said that she indicated you are a great father, but what about husband? You are still attracted to her, but is she still attracted to you?
What are your ages, physical health (overweight)?
Her reason for not contemplating sex goes against itself, as if you had more sex, you'd be spending more time together in the evening...between the sheets.
Sounds like she is getting everything she needs from the relationship, but you are getting short changed.

There are a few books you may want to consider reading...
No More Mr. Nice Guy and the other is Married Man's Sex Life Primer.
They help you work on the areas where you are weak and get you in a mode of becoming more attractive by way of not being a door mat in the relationship any longer.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

To add to Indy's excellent post...

That's a good sign she said she lost her desire for you because you don't spend enough time together, so you responded.

Men don't realize there is a problem in the relationship until the sex slows down, meanwhile women have been slowly getting unhappier and unhappier and lots of times they have no idea why exactly. 

Is it because they are out of the honeymoon stage and are into the disillusionment stage? Is it because of the pressures of work and family they don't spend the time together any more, so they've lost that spark? Is it because of something else entirely, some personal problem or baggage that has secretly been brought into the relationship?

What are her emotional needs? Unfamiliar with that term? Go here: Emotional Needs Questionnaire

What are her love languages? Unfamiliar with that term? Go here: Language Profile | The 5 Love Languages®

Take these questionnaires WITH her. You both need to be brutally honest. Do them as part of your together time. Tell her you feel the marriage drifting and want to work to get things back to passionate loving again, these questionnaires will help you both identify what you want and need to feel in love and passionate toward each other again.

Give it a few weeks for the info to sink in then come back here, reopen this thread and give and update. We like to have updates!!!!


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

How about this. When she gets up and goes over to the computer, walk over to her and ask her that if she's too tired for any sex, then why she has enough energy to go on the computer for how ever long she wants to.

Maybe it's time that you tell her in a manner that she will understand your unhappiness about the lack of intimacy in your marriage. 

The door swings both ways in a marriage and so far she's got the door and it's hitting you in the ass as she go about her life leaving you high and dry. 

You got a mouth. Open it and express you displeasure in a way she knows that your tired of her excuses and let her know that if it continues, then she's going to have problems in the marriage that she didn't bargain for. Honestly , I don't think she understand your frustrations because you let it slide for such a long time.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Are you in a situation where you are able to go away together without the kids? Even for a long weekend?

I think perhaps women start keeping things to themselves and the more we keep to ourselves the farther we feel from our spouses. Over time this starts to affect physical intimacy as well. Re-establishing the emotional intimacy is a good way to go - but this is difficult if you don't have a willing partner.


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## stripeywigwam (Nov 22, 2013)

IndyTMI said:


> Sorry about your sex life...your story is all too common and I'm surprised no one else has responded yet.
> There are many reasons sex drops off, but yours is by far way less than desirable for most anyone wanting to stay in a healthy relationship.
> I noticed you said that she indicated you are a great father, but what about husband? You are still attracted to her, but is she still attracted to you?
> What are your ages, physical health (overweight)?
> ...


We are both in our very early thirties My wife has gained a little weight of course after having children but she is still very slim. My weight hasn't really changed. I do have much less hair than when we got together! I am still very attracted to her and I have no reason to suggest that she isn't attracted to me. I have read MMSLP as I saw this posted as a suggestion before. I have worked through areas. I'm probably lacking some alpha traits which I have been working on. But as you say, perhaps I need to be a bit more consistent with the alpha stuff. Thanks Indy.


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## stripeywigwam (Nov 22, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> To add to Indy's excellent post...
> 
> What are her emotional needs? Unfamiliar with that term? Go here: Emotional Needs Questionnaire
> 
> ...


OK I've not seen those before I'll give them a try and I'll try and report back. Thanks for the ideas


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

She's not attracted to you. It's as simple as that. The truth hurts but for whatever reason you just do not rock her world. Go to a MC, work out and get fit and up your sex rank as much as you can. If those don't work then you have a hard decision to make don't you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LadyDee (Oct 1, 2013)

There is something she can do, get herself to the doctor for a checkup and make sure her Esterogen-Progesterone-Testosterone levels are all optimal. 

It's not unheard of that a woman of her age, having 3 children can be all out of sink with her hormones and this could very well cause her disinterest/loss of libido.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Read the book No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover. It overlaps somewhat with MMSLP but is a very different slant on the issue.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Once in 3 months is probably at the fringes of efficacy of MMSL or NMMNG type books. MC may be a better option...


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I think OP needs to do some inner work for himself. The sex may or may not improve. I really agree with Dr. Glover's statement that working on oneself is what will improve one's life, whereas the marriage will either improve significantly or it will go to a long overdue grave.


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## stripeywigwam (Nov 22, 2013)

LadyDee said:


> There is something she can do, get herself to the doctor for a checkup and make sure her Esterogen-Progesterone-Testosterone levels are all optimal.
> 
> It's not unheard of that a woman of her age, having 3 children can be all out of sink with her hormones and this could very well cause her disinterest/loss of libido.


LadyDee, thanks for the insight. I may well do that I think she would be happy to try that. Also thanks for all the other replies. I'll try reading No More Mr Nice Guy, I've not tried that one.

My wife does make a point each day of saying at some point she is tired or similar, I think so that I don't try and initiate anything after the kids are in bed. She is of course happy to cuddle and kiss during the day. Working on myself and maybe getting her to have a checkup could be a good two way approach.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Thor said:


> I think OP needs to do some inner work for himself. The sex may or may not improve. I really agree with Dr. Glover's statement that working on oneself is what will improve one's life, whereas the marriage will either improve significantly or it will go to a long overdue grave.


Other than losing 20 lb and improving my Central Casting spec English accent (vat iz zhee promblemz heres?) I don't feel I need to improve much. 

Hair - check
Income - check
Funny - check check
Skills - mega check
Parenting - uber check

I spent decades building an awesome persona that is so counterculture it's not even funny. Something set in stone. From the wind blown Einstein hair to the trademark oxfords and pressed jeans to the cynicism it's all a package that has done wonders for 3 decades in the corporate arena. I'm not about to chuck it all in order to become sexier for my significant other.

Blimey, who would have thought women like mature people who enjoy the opera once in a while instead of Call Of Duty tourneys...


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## dontbeused (Nov 15, 2013)

stripeywigwam said:


> LadyDee, thanks for the insight. I may well do that I think she would be happy to try that. Also thanks for all the other replies. I'll try reading No More Mr Nice Guy, I've not tried that one.
> 
> My wife does make a point each day of saying at some point she is tired or similar, I think so that I don't try and initiate anything after the kids are in bed. She is of course happy to cuddle and kiss during the day. Working on myself and maybe getting her to have a checkup could be a good two way approach.


Another all too common thread where the wife is not getting one of her 30 needs met, so you don't get laid. 
Medical reasons aside. Give her consequences. Go out a couple nights with the guys. Have some fun. No cheating of course, but it's time to show her what it's like if your not there to play mr mom when your not working to support this sexless life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

30 I can manage... It's closer to 50 and not black or white either, all 50 shades of gray


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

john117 said:


> Other than losing 20 lb and improving my Central Casting spec English accent (vat iz zhee promblemz heres?) I don't feel I need to improve much.
> 
> Hair - check
> Income - check
> ...


I'm not sure if you've read NMMNG, or if you're making a case against the book in your comments?

NMMNG is very different than MMSL and some of the other Alpha Up or PUA types of programs. I think those other programs can offer some good information, but they differ in a very significant way from NMMNG.

NMMNG is all about living one's life *authentically*. A man need not be Alpha, need not be as dangerous as a Navy SEAL, need not be into beer and football. A man need not be heterosexual. Every person on this planet is an *individual* who should live his/her life consistent with his/her own self.

That is, if you genuinely are the person who wears a 3 piece suit to work, be that person. If you are the person who feels most himself with a beard, wear the beard.

What you should not do is be the person who wears a beard in order to attract women, to get laid, to be popular in social circles, or to make your mom happy.

OP appears to be engaging in people-pleasing behaviors in order to elicit sex from his wife. Then he gets royally frustrated and angry when she doesn't put out. He needs a whole new dynamic which honors his own self first. NMMNG provides the road map to doing this. Then those other tools such as MMSL can help him build upon the base.

NMMNG is inner work. It is Step 1. MMSL etc are outer work, and come later.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I have a copy of NMMNG in this here iPhone and have read it a few times. If you're 25 or 30 and unsure of yourself maybe it will help. If you're like me, self confidence and authenticity are the least of my concerns - as Popeye said, "I yam what I yam". I don't do particular behaviors to please anyone - things have a purpose and that's all there is. 

It's like MMSL, 5LL, and other unicorn and rainbow type generality filled books that could be of help in some cases but hardcore cases aren't fixable by books - heck, aren't often fixable by the pros either.

Many of the LD non LD cases we see in TAM are well past the DIY fix by reading a book and following the instructions state - mine included -but some are. The difficult part is to assess and triage the situation accordingly...


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

stripeywigwam said:


> I’ve been following posts for a number of weeks and I’m hoping some of the great advice might help me in my situation. I’ve been married ten years and I have three wonderful children. I love my wife and I am still very attracted to her. Our frequency of sex has declined to a state of maybe once every three months. My wife has not initiated sex for a number of years. I am often told that I am a great father and I have a good job which does take up some of my evening time although I am never working from when my children get home until they go to bed. I probably manage around half the week of not having to work in the evenings. My wife wanted to bring up the children and she does a great job.
> 
> We have had a conversation about sex and my wife gets very teary and says that she cannot contemplate sex as she feels we need to spend more time together in the evenings. We agreed that no matter what the work situation is, we would spend three nights of the week where we don’t undertake any work. We have done our best to keep to this. Often I give her massages (she loves having back and foot massages) and we talk a lot. Recently she has made a point of not going to bed at the same time and if she says she is tired she still manages to find time to play on the computer or read etc. Obviously she knows our sex life is a problem and I understand that it’s a two way thing I’m just wondering what else I can do.
> Please, any help!



- Married 10 years

- Three beautiful children

- told you are a great father

- you are a great financial provider

- you give her back and foot massages

- she doesn't go to bed the same time you do

- she is always tired, but has time to play on the computer....

- low sex drive


And she has the three kids, her hormones will not be the same and meds might be required. Then there's menopause or pre - menopause.

She shouldn't be crying about the lack of sex. Having sex isn't difficult or rocket science. The moon, planet and stars don't have to align.

See what's happens if you spend more time with her in the evenings? Listen to her more, cuddling, do more things together? "But don't initiate sex", I bet you, her sex drive will still be the same.....

Is she having an EA emotional affair? Possibly seeing someone else?


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## stripeywigwam (Nov 22, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> - Married 10 years
> 
> - Three beautiful children
> 
> ...


CuddleBug, thanks for your message, it echos that of others that perhaps there is a a need for meds/hormones to be checked out. I'm onto this first so the variables are reduced I guess. Part of my working role is being a coach so I think I am a good listener. It's difficult to arrange time without the kids during the day but I might have to think a little more outside the box. In fact I'm going to talk this through with her tonight to see if we can arrange some babysitting as we don't do that enough I guess.

I'm 99.9% certain (100% percent before you asked this), that she is not seeing anyone else as she looks after the little one all week during the day. i haven't seen any signs at all that this might be the case. Personally I have ruled out that idea. I've got a few actions to work through as it were before we have another conversation about it. when we have had conversations in the past few months she has cetainly not felt comfortable and almost looked a little angry that I had bought up the problems before. Although, perhaps I hadn't executed the conversation particularly well and maybe we should have such a conversation outside of the house in a different environment.

As John and the other posters have suggested I am going to try to continue to spend more evenings with my her but also build in some time to concentrate on my own hobbies as I think this will also help both of us with my frustrations.


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## stripeywigwam (Nov 22, 2013)

I'm 100% sure (well now 99.9% sure now you have made a suggestion)  that she isn't having an affair. I would have noticed some signs are there aren't any at all. I've not read "No more mr nice guy" maybe I will have a look at that one. There are some good points about doing things for myself. Last night she had some work to do in the evening and we had a poorly child that was up and down all night so I gave her a massage while she was working and she liked that. Actually the fact that any sort of sex would not be possible as we both knew that that our daughter would probably need to come in with us it meant that we had a conversation about a few things at the same time. I hadn't even considered a pre-menopause. I've already started to get into a few hobbies that I used to do in the evenings such as writing novels - well okay it's only been one night but I've got renewed vigour to keep it going. Hopefully it will give me something else to think about!


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