# I filed for divorce today. One hellacious day after 90.



## StartingAgain (Jun 29, 2011)

I stepped through security at the court house and the man on the other side just asked a simple question, "How you doing today?". It didn't feel contrived, it actually felt very sincere. So many times people just sort of float by each other, ask questions they don't really expect an answer to, but he seemed to be sincere. I lied. I told him, "I'm doing just fine. And you?" My question was as equally genuine and he smiled to be asked and said he was doing great.

By the time I reached the elevator, I could feel tears in my eyes. I considered how awkward it would have been if I had been truthful, "Well Mister Security officer, I'm about to end my 15 year marriage and I'm feeling pretty crappy about it." 

But I bucked up, and didn't fall apart. I got all 50 some awful pages of my personal life filed with the courts and I walked out. I didn't fall apart till right about now. Typing this out to a bunch of strangers, not even sure who will read it, but the need to just be heard. The need to just be related to on some level is so overwhelming right now that I just need to write it down and hope that maybe one person out here can say, "I've felt that way. You're absolutely normal."

So before I get into why I'm sitting here at midnight crying like an infant, I want to continue my story. I filed that paperwork, and inquired when he would be notified. She informed me probably not for a week. And I smiled and lightly remarked, well at least it won't ruin his holiday weekend. She laughed and said I was the second woman to say that today. 

Why should I care at all about ruining his weekend? The sting of hurtful words he wrote just that morning were still fresh. But I keep trying to convince myself I'm the better person for taking the higher ground. Am I? Is there any satisfaction for being nice?

There's a Macy's store across the street from the courthouse so I decided that I needed to treat myself to something to commemorate this good but bad day. I gravitated to the watches, since my current watch was a gift from him and was very loose after losing 70 pounds in the last year. 

The woman told me I should come back tomorrow, when the watches go on sale. I told her, you don't understand. I am buying a watch today. It has to be today, because I just filed my divorce papers and I cannot wear his watch anymore. She graciously offered to give me tomorrow's sale price, today. 

She also later recommended I take a very large hammer to the old watch. I may yet still.

So now we're back to why I'm here, what's eating at me, what I want people to hear, how I need to connect with at least one person out there who can understand how terribly alone I feel at this very moment, how sad I feel, how happy I feel, how hard it is to breath.

So rewind six months. I came to this site, I'd been thinking about how bad things had gotten with my marriage. I posted in the Considering Separation and Divorce Thread. I read books like Too Good To Leave, Too Bad to Stay, Me Before We and just about anything else I could get my hands on. 

I got advice to follow my heart, I got advice to try counseling. I commented on other posts regarding things I could relate to. 

And I went through this journey, sometimes very much alone where I broke the news to him. Where we fought. Where he fought to keep me. Where he fought to push me away. Where we lived together for months, knowing we were separating. Where we waited to tell the children, then told them together only for me to find out that he had told them 'secretly' months before.

We had lawyers, we wrote up a separation agreement, we separated our cars, our house equity. We quibbled over possessions, and in the end I left him with most everything.

I bought a house, I moved out. I went happily a little into debt turning it in the best place I would ever want to live o rhave my children live in. I gave my children their own rooms for the first time in their lives. Let them decorate it themselves.

I survived (barely) the first 8 days without them till it was my week to have them.

And I saw a counselor every week. The same one that the ex is seeing, but never together. 

Honestly, I know he's hurt that I left. I know he doesn't believe at all that I ever asked for change in the last 5 years of our 15 year marriage. I think he was just so clueless. And I decided that I was worthy of someone with a clue. 

This morning he emailed me, he emails me daily. Some emails are kind and understanding recognizing all the things we did wrong in our relationship and extending forgiveness and understanding that I chose not to let it continue. Other times, he's hurtful and mean. 

Today among many other attacks he told me my deceased father would be so disappointed in me that I didn't honor the vow I made before god and our parents.

I find this very ironic considering my Father was divorced two times and only found his true happiness on his third marriage.

When I met with the counselor yesterday and told her I was sad, because I had gotten an email that he doesn't feel he can ever trust me again. Since his friends state that now that I've left once, it would be so easy to do so again and again. And I was sad to realize that maybe we would never reconcile. 

She looked so surprised, like maybe I had never given any indication I really gave out hope for that future possibility. I guess deep down I did. But as she so clearly put it, I had taken on an impossible job to try and meet ex's unmet needs. 

Job Impossible.

So I filed for divorce today. And then this evening, ex took the kids for rides on the motorcycle he keeps claiming I would never let him buy. Before he got his license. With no helmets.

Suddenly wondering, I survived the last six months. How the hell do I survive the next six till things are finalized?


----------



## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

If you believe in the power of prayer, I invite you to join me. I too still hurt, although most of the time it is under control. I was dropped off like a cliff was near by never to be heard from again. That is OK I have not need to hear from him. The closure I want is far off his radar, so there I will leave and pray for my peace and joy to return , and have a million laughs along the way.


----------



## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

StartingAgain said:


> I stepped through security at the court house and the man on the other side just asked a simple question, "How you doing today?". It didn't feel contrived, it actually felt very sincere. So many times people just sort of float by each other, ask questions they don't really expect an answer to, but he seemed to be sincere. I lied. I told him, "I'm doing just fine. And you?" My question was as equally genuine and he smiled to be asked and said he was doing great.
> 
> By the time I reached the elevator, I could feel tears in my eyes. I considered how awkward it would have been if I had been truthful, "Well Mister Security officer, I'm about to end my 15 year marriage and I'm feeling pretty crappy about it."
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I've gotten through this thing with lots of prayers and an encouraging family....counseling too. It's tough for you right now, but you will get through this.


----------



## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

827Aug said:


> I've gotten through this thing with lots of prayers and an encouraging family....counseling too. It's tough for you right now, but you will get through this.



You know what you have now that you didn't have with him? Hope. Hope that some day you meet someone that's right for you. You don't have that when you're spinning your wheels with him. Sorry for such a tough day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

startingagain: I feel your pain. I spoke with stbxh yesterday explaining actions and when it was his turn he said he didn't know why he bought gifts for me after the time period he said he stopped loving me. 

How can one stay married to someone that is so out of touch with their own feelings? You can't. I wasn't even aware until the last 4 months that he was shut down and running away.

I have my court date for 7/19. I will be going, he doesn't have to. I would prefer he doesn't because I have an awful feeling that I will be breaking down.

This is a rough time for you, nurture and comfort yourself with things that make you feel safe. Love yourself back to being whole. It is a tough road but we can make rest stops along the way.

I try to appreciate the clean soft sheets on my bed, that my dog still loves me, that my friends and family are supportive and more importantly God has a plan for us: He wants us happy.

My thoughts are with you.


----------



## StartingAgain (Jun 29, 2011)

Thank you everyone for the kind words and encouragement. It is indeed what I need right now.

Cried myself to sleep, and cried again at work today when stbxh emailed me this morning, so clearly unaware how hurtful his words have been this week.

I really really like the new space I'm in. I keep finding signs that its where I'm supposed to be, the most recent one being a full rainbow with an end landing just beyond my house.

I just really want to stop crying....


----------



## StartingAgain (Jun 29, 2011)

I've been staring at my computer screen for an hour. I've re-read the last few emails he's sent me a few times. 

I cannot focus and do the work I should be doing.

I just want to go back to bed.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

StartingAgain, it sounds like you took the "courageous" way out, by that I mean didn't end things by starting a relationship with another man first, which has spared both of you a lot of pain in the long run. You knew what you had to do to survive, and were in your right mind and did the right thing even though it hurt someone you have a lot of love for. He is confused and hurt and the rug has been pulled from his feet but he will still land upright - just let his hurtful words bounce off you because he's trying to find the truth of things and its his way of coping. In the end you will have saved both of you a lot more pain and misery, and I commend your decision. You will both heal from this and you are still going through the trauma of it, sounds like you are on the right track and will weather the storm.

As to his bad decisions regarding your children's safety you absolutely have the right to set boundaries, and you must communicate those too. The consequences of him breaking a boundary like this is you reporting this to the police (assuming you ask him to stop and he is unwilling to respect those sensible boundaries).


----------



## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

You have a beautiful way with words. I, too, am struggling with my own issues.......but my heart goes out to you. I am weeping right along with you right now. You seem like such a strong woman. Just give yourself the time that you need. I should take my own advice.....


----------



## StartingAgain (Jun 29, 2011)

Lon: Thank you for your reply. It made me smile and heartened me to remember the positives about this terrible mess.

It has been a very difficult year so far, and I completely understand that he is hurting about this. But in the process, we've really hurt each other so much. Our mutual counselor says its like two people standing across from each other shouting Hear Me! Hear Me! Validate Me! and voices escalating until its deafening. Since we have the same shared need, it would be impossible to meet it in the other.

When I started this journey, it was based off a sentiment that I needed to take care of myself. I needed to get healthy. I needed to put myself in an environment where alchohol was not a constant present factor. I needed to have a sense of control rather than feeling railroaded and dominated. 

I wanted joy, and peace and loving statements, not criticsm and gruffness and emotional abandonment.

I don't always feel courageous. The STBXH accused me today of taking the easy way out, by refusing to fix us. All I've ever said for months was we need to fix ourselves before we can fix us. And while we seemed to be going in that direction, the constant pull to be an 'Us' and to resist any change really opened the door for us to further draw apart.

Duty. Obligation. Guilt. My counselor refers to this as the old DOG that needs to be let go. 

I'm not at all scared to be alone, to be on my own. I know I am a strong woman, though sometimes I need to remind myself of that over and over again.

We started this process with a promise to each other to try and be as civil as possible. I'm very scared that he will break that promise out of retaliation for what I have initiated.


----------



## staircase (May 16, 2011)

StartingAgain said:


> I've been staring at my computer screen for an hour. I've re-read the last few emails he's sent me a few times.
> 
> I cannot focus and do the work I should be doing.
> 
> I just want to go back to bed.


OK you have to delete those IMMEDIATELY. Do not do this to yourself.

I have my court date soon as well; I am just waiting for the lawyer to let me know when it is. My stbx won't be there either. I am dreading it.

I'm not Christian/religious and I am getting through this. Sounds like a lot of people find help in prayer so you have one up on me. You can do this.


----------



## StartingAgain (Jun 29, 2011)

The STBXH just emailed me again, so poisonous and full of hatred. 

Apparently I've been abusing him? Kicking him when he's down? Going out of my way to hurt him? Its like we both have just experienced two completely different lives.

I've tried so very hard to stay on the high ground through all of this.

I really did have hopes that once we worked out our individual issues we could some day reconcile. Now, all I hope is that he doesn't make things very bad for our children.

Suddenly just had the thought I should have stayed with him and been unhappy rather than face the person he's becoming.


----------



## staircase (May 16, 2011)

Ugh, no, why would you stay with him? He is being ridiculous and like you said-poisonous. No one needs that for any reason. Try to delete those emails as soon as you get them, seriously. Even the civil logistical emails I get, read and delete.


----------



## StartingAgain (Jun 29, 2011)

Ha, you are sooo very right Staircase. My counselor says I need to set him up as a blocked sender. Force him to communicate about important things regarding the kids via phone and not let him hook me into these emails all day long.

I know you're both right, but I can't seem to bring myself to do it. Anymore than I can bring myself to quit smoking yet (and that's a much more needed habit to break).

The day I 'unfriended' him from Facebook was a good feeling, but boy was he pissed. Guess I should take my lead from that and just block his emails too.


----------



## StartingAgain (Jun 29, 2011)

I did it. I finally did it. He's on my blocked sender list now. No more emails. Anymore.

We just kept ripping each other apart. It wasn't healthy.


----------



## staircase (May 16, 2011)

YAY!!! Congrats! I know that takes a lot of will power. I have blocked and unblocked my stbx on AIM and email about a thousand times. You are going to feel so much better!


----------



## StartingAgain (Jun 29, 2011)

Yes, yes, one small step, then everything exploded in my world. But I'm starting a new thread for that.


----------



## whodoyouthinkyouare (Jun 28, 2011)

You have so much courage, I commend you for taking that final step and going to the courthouse to file.......I should follow in your footsteps and soon as I'm in the same kind of marriage. Good luck to you and stay strong.


----------



## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

startingagain:
I missed the part about the bike, my stbxh said I wouldn't allow him to buy one. I do recall one time he mulled it over and I said he may kill himself but prevented him from buying bike. No that is his fiction.

Has anyone noticed how the stories from stbx's are changing to suit their purposes? His have changed to make me look like the hard to satisfy, controlling nutjob. Really, his complaints are so weak, he has to change the stories. He hasn't gotten it through his pride-filled balloon head that it was the ED that sent him buying motorcycle, dyeing hair and running away.


----------



## StartingAgain (Jun 29, 2011)

Sparkles422 said:


> Has anyone noticed how the stories from stbx's are changing to suit their purposes?


OMG Yes! I could regale you for hours with some of the 'stories' STBXH has said about things.

My favorite was when he posted on one of his anonymous forums (that unforunately I have knowledge of) that I left him with alll sorts of debt, even though we had a Lawyer officiated separation agreement and we split all the finances and debt 100% equally. 

AND he actually kept almost 2K for himself against the agreement, so I actually got much less.


----------

