# My Wife's Kids



## Regalpair275 (Jan 3, 2016)

cannot stand me and I cannot honestly say the feeling isn't mutual. 
I do know that I have given it my best effort to love them as I do my own children. 
A little background:
My wife has two from her previous marriage, a 22 year old daughter and a 19 year old son.
Her daughter ( I'll call her Digit ) is in her senior year at college. Digit rents a very nice home there, drives a newer Tahoe, wears designer clothing and has no reason to ever be out of money. Years ago, her mother had the savvy to invest in a program called the "Texas Tomorrow Fund". A wise decision as her tuition has been completely paid for. Her father served in the military and the "Hazelwood Act" reimburses her for the funds taken from Texas Tomorrow, so she has been financially set for the past four years. On the dark side, She's high strung and a drama queen. There is a strong sense of entitlement along with deep feelings of anger toward her mother. I've heard her screaming at the top of her lungs toward my wife about a acne break out, screaming threats of suicide and once when she didn't know I was watching, snuck up behind her mother and made mocking faces behind her back. Digit is constantly blowing my wife's phone up, once I looked at the phone records and counted over 135 calls in a seven day period. That's almost a call every hour around the clock for 7 days!!
Her son ( Bottom) is also in college, but being a confirmed Momma's boy he's only 20 minutes away. He also has the best of everything she can afford. Nice car, designer clothing ( I have hand me down shirts that he never wore, but out grew with the tag still on them. Polo, Tommy Hilfigger, etc) He's a homosexual, standing 6'7" tall and weighing over 245bs. Bottom is also very tech smart, he can hack into most computer systems or Iphones. Before we married, he got into her ATT account and bought two IPhone 5's worth around $1200.00. Theft. He has the passwords to all my wife's bank accounts, email accounts, her computers, her IPhone, her Icloud account, in short she does nothing he doesn't know about. 

My wife holds a Phd in Aquatic Biology, but instead of holding her head high and being proud that she had the foresight to provide both of her children with 1st class educations actually cowers down in their presence. As if she isn't worthy and is somehow beneath them, I've actually seen her grovel at our dinner table.

My job as husband is to protect my wife and our marriage from harm. As I see it, her children are the most dangerous threat we face. They are her babies however, and I know an attempt to drive them apart will be counter productive. 

I chose to separate our bank accounts last year, rather than see Digit's $1700 rent paid one month when she "overspent", or see Bottom receive $800 because he had to have the latest Apple gadget.

How can I approach this situation and maintain any sort of confidence or intimacy with my wife?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Her children learned to disrespect her... how did her ex treat her? Did he show her a lot of disrespect?

I think that you start with going to counseling. Get her into marriage counseling with someone who also knows a lot about blended families and co-dependency.

Your wife needs to cut the financial strings with her kids. That's ridiculous.

One thing you need to work on her about is that current income is marital income. Her kids should have zero access to any marital income or assets without your being part of that. And if she keeps this up, she will lose all of her separate assets to those kids too.

$1,400 rent and new cars for college kids? LOL

ETA: your wife seems to suffer from low self esteem. Her kids are glad to play into that to take advantage of her. She needs counseling very badly.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Her children learned to disrespect her... how did her ex treat her? Did he show her a lot of disrespect?
> 
> I think that you start with going to counseling. Get her into marriage counseling with someone who also knows a lot about blended families and co-dependency.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

And emphasis on the counseling. Individual and Marital.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

What I find curious is that you start a thread about how you and your wife's children hate each other, and then proceed to not share any specific instances of ya'll hating on each other.

Everything you describe is "and then they were mean to their Mom THIS way."

How can you approach this situation and maintain any sort of confidence or intimacy with your wife?

Well, first, you stop wearing her son's shirts.......


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## thebirdman (Apr 5, 2014)

I was once given $400 by my mother for the deposit on my first apartment. Well, I say "given" but that's not true. I had to pay it back... with interest. 
I'm only a few years older than your wife's kids. My wife and I live a fairly comfortable middle class lifestyle. We've worked our butts off for everything we have. 

You're wife needs to understand that her children will not die if she cuts them off and if she really loves them she will want them to learn the things they need to know in order to succeed on their own. She will not always be there to pay their bills for them.


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## Regalpair275 (Jan 3, 2016)

Thank you for the replies. 
I agree that counseling would be the proper course of action. My wife and I have sought professional help in the struggles we have encountered and the unbiased advice has help us work though some painful situations.
Regarding this matter, I often feel as merely an interested bystander. Many times we have talked and I've shown specific instances where there is disrespect, dishonesty and just plain selfishness. Her responses are always those of being aware and they will receive "a stern talking to". Nothing changes however.
My discussions of counseling will be met with scoff, as in their minds they are perfectly entitled to the lifestyles they live.

My question deals with the relationship between my wife and I. I'm feeling that my actions thus far have been tantamount to punishment for her. Separating bank accounts, avoiding contact with her children and lately objecting to their presence in my home has only driven a larger wedge between us than before. 

The efforts to shield my wife from this abuse have resulted in the dislike her children have for me. I reason that this distaste is fueled by the fear of losing their ATM, whipping post, fighter of battles we're too lazy to fight combination. A valid fear, I might add.

Again, thanks for the advice. It's good to just get this all out.

@ Not Be Like Me - The word "hate" is nowhere in my original post. It is yours and you own it. So please, take your bait and go troll somewhere else. You are on my permanent ignore list and being from Texas myself, I know how to make it stick.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*So what would Dr. Phil advise? 

Shut their damned water off at the tap and simply turn them into the ungrateful paupers that they deserve to be!

Let them go out and find employment to pay for those ritzy digs of theirs and designer clothes that they have to have!

The problem with your W is that she failed to kick their worthless a$$es for them when they were much younger! 

Instead, she obligingly bent over and just let them kick hers! *
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

I think your wife has made her choice. The sooner you accept that, the better.


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## Lilac23 (Jul 9, 2015)

Kivlor said:


> :iagree:
> 
> And emphasis on the counseling. Individual and Marital.


And Family! Maybe you should throw some financial counseling in there for the kiddos!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Lilac23 said:


> And Family! Maybe you should throw some financial counseling in there for the kiddos!


*That, M'dear, would be greatly like throwing good money right down into the subterranean chasms of a dry hole!

The only advice that these two would ever take to heart would be something that would foster their self-perceived and justified opulent lifestyle!

Something to the effect of ~ "Hell! Mama's got plenty of money! She doesn't mind sending it on over! And guess what? There's plenty more of that where this came from!"

Isn't this behavior, in reality, just a juvenile form of blackmail?*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

Regalpair...please PM me,,,my lifestyle mirrored yours to a T...and I mean EXACTLY!


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

What consequences were exacted on the son when he fraudulently purchased the two iPhones?

Did she go to the police to report him?

I'm assuming that the daughter will eventually be ineligible to receive funds any longer? And that'll probably happen soon? She'll be getting a dose of reality soon enough when she has to support herself with her own earnings.

I'd be very concerned about the son having access to all of her accounts. That's a huge breach of her data privacy that she allows. I'd suggest she go in person to the police and her bank. Has she registered online for social security? Lots of people have and can access their account with a simple password. The son would be in jail and/or paying a fine for identity theft if this was anyone else. The unauthorized use, or even possession, of someone else's personal identifying information without their consent can result in a charge of identity theft.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

Lilac23 said:


> And Family! Maybe you should throw some financial counseling in there for the kiddos!


It's too late for them. Probably best to disown and start over :wink2:


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

No need for you to feel guilty. You can't very well love your wife while condoning her mistreatment. If she chooses to accept disrespect from her adult children there is little you can do other than the actions you have taken. With Stringbean having access to your wife's accounts, it only makes sense to have separate accounts. Your's might be the only funds available any day. Nothing is happening to your wife that she hasn't cultivated and that she doesn't permit. You have no reason to expect that it will discontinue after they have both graduated. If anything, once grandchildren appear, their exploitation and intimidation of your wife will likely increase. Rather than assuming your wife is a victim in this I believe I'd consider the very real possibility that she willingly participates in it and may even encourage it. Guess you have to decide whether you wish to remain part of this drama or not. I doubt seriously either of these adult kids are going to agree to counseling or adjust fire. Your wife is very well educated. She knows how to arrange counseling if she thinks it's necessary and she apparently does not.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

:iagree:This above ^^^^^^^.

This thread was triggering me so I didn't know how to reply constructively but @unbelievable said it well.

My situation wasn't quite this bad, but my H's kids were/are spoiled and not really well brought up. We set rules, together, that they had to agree upon for us to all get along. Sadly, they didn't want to accept the rules because they realized that they were basically MY rules, and the situation became very, very difficult at one point, to such an extent that it was damaging our marriage. Somehow, we made it with a bit of counseling and determination to protect our marriage. Neither of them lives with us, so that is a help and H sees them on his own.

Your stepkids' behavior is so bad and the mother doesn't seem to mind, so I don't really see what you can do. Keep your accounts separate. This being said, you don't have to leave the marriage as long as you don't have to deal with her children.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

"Digit" and "Bottom" may be some of the best monikers we've seen here on TAM. If its not too nosy, I'm just wondering why you chose those specific names... 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Your wife is a spineless doormat enabler and her adult children are spoiled, entitled, brats. This is long term deeply ingrained behavior. 

Unless your wife finds her spine and cuts them off, which isn't likely, then your only options are to either leave or accept it and stay.

So, stay and protect yourself financially or explain to your wife that her brats are a problem and you're out. But don't expect your wife to change because that is very unlikely. This is either something you can live with or it isn't.


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## Regalpair275 (Jan 3, 2016)

Omego said:


> :iagree:This above ^^^^^^^.
> 
> This thread was triggering me so I didn't know how to reply constructively but @unbelievable said it well.
> 
> ...





unbelievable said:


> No need for you to feel guilty. You can't very well love your wife while condoning her mistreatment. If she chooses to accept disrespect from her adult children there is little you can do other than the actions you have taken. With Stringbean having access to your wife's accounts, it only makes sense to have separate accounts. Your's might be the only funds available any day. Nothing is happening to your wife that she hasn't cultivated and that she doesn't permit. You have no reason to expect that it will discontinue after they have both graduated. If anything, once grandchildren appear, their exploitation and intimidation of your wife will likely increase. Rather than assuming your wife is a victim in this I believe I'd consider the very real possibility that she willingly participates in it and may even encourage it. Guess you have to decide whether you wish to remain part of this drama or not. I doubt seriously either of these adult kids are going to agree to counseling or adjust fire. Your wife is very well educated. She knows how to arrange counseling if she thinks it's necessary and she apparently does not.


All right on. She knows what they're doing and allows it all. It pains me to see her verbally and financially abused, but we've discussed it till I'm blue in the face. 
On my part, I've tried to be the father figure they don't have in their lives. (He's remarried and lives in another state). I've paid for (me, since there is no joint account) vehicle maintenance and repairs, remodeled a bedroom when Bottom stayed with us before moving to college, moved furniture to Digit's home where she studies, and made myself available for them when their mother couldn't be there.
I am done with them and have let them all know. 
It'll be an ongoing battle though, Digit graduates in May and where will she live? How about Holidays when they're used to doing nothing for 4 weeks while mommy cooks, cleans, does laundry and writes checks? 
Not in my home they won't.


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