# what did the kids lose from a parental affair?



## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

As I was reading another post, I thought - what did the kids lose due to a parents decision to act selfishly and commit adultery. 

My daughter has lost daily interaction with her dad due to his affair. He can call/see her anytime but chooses not to.

We hosted many football parties, holidays, pool parties and bbqs. Most of those gatherings do not happen anymore. Awkward for the people. 

She lost a dog when he moved out and took one of the two dogs with him

.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

My nephew lost daily interaction with his dad too.. Thanks to one of his dad's old flames.

My sister and her son has been living with me for 3 years now, nephew was upset when the D process started. He was 7 then, and he's doing quite OK now. Smart kid. Knows who's who. Knows what his dad has done to my sister so much so that he's in a constant non-chalant, "ask me if I care" attitude whenever I ask if he talked to his father recently.

The man turned himself into a wallet with legs for Lego sets in his son's eyes, over an old flame, nothing more.


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

When my fWH had his affair and left the kids & I, they were g3, g6, b8, b10 & b12. The worst affected was the eldest, who is also aspergers. He just went totally off the rails, and really has not got back on track since, even though he is 25 tomorrow. He went from being a polite, trouble free kid, to an angry boy who started sneaking around behind my back smoking and drinking.

The other kids did not seem to have any behavioural effects, except that they were planning to severely sabotage the OW if they ever met her. They had decided if she & H were to get married they would all act very badly to punish her. I suppose making these nefarious plans helped them to cope.

So basically, the eldest lost his security and his sense that parents are infallible.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

everything...my hoor of a mother cheated on my dad and destroyed our family...I never forgave her or spoke to her after it happened...


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

It’s hard to say. My WW hid things very well about the adultery itself. However, she did not hide that entitled princess thing, the arguing tactics like deflection and blameshifting. That whole mindset that the world revolves around her.

We are in R. And now she’s taking the brunt of the lessons she passed onto the kids being that kind of role model. They use the same tricks they learned from her with various modifications to get what they want. 

For me, it’s not bad at all; I’ve dealt with that, know how to cope and break through it. But she hasn’t. She’s not been on the receiving end of it until now. So, I sort of watch in morbid amusement as they maneuver her around and break her down until she caves into their demands. Teenagers are already hard enough without adding serious ‘entitlement’ issues. I can sense that same ‘worn down’ feeling radiating out of my wife. I know that feeling but also know how to break that cycle instead of enabling it to continue.


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## mark33 (Oct 29, 2013)

Its the hardest on the kids and ive seen divorced parents use the kids as pawns to get back at the ex
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

But a lot of these things happen even when a marriage breaks down for reasons other than infidelity... Just sayin'

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The kids loose...

Innocence
Family
Trust
Childhood

All so the cheater can get naked with another looser.


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## loopy lu (Oct 30, 2013)

A relationship with my father
A male role model
My faith in marriage
My trust in men
My self esteem
My innocence
My happy disposition 
A happy, nurturing mother as the old mother had been replaced by a bitter and resentful woman with anger management issues
My safety
Eventually, lost a place to live when mother chose her new man over her daughter
My sisters
My mental health....should I go on?


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

PBear said:


> But a lot of these things happen even when a marriage breaks down for reasons other than infidelity... Just sayin'
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That does not mean that infidelity does not cause the losses described above.

However, I believe infidelity - especially if handled badly - bequeaths damage to future generations and that means an exponentially expanding number of destroyed families.

My father in law was a cheat. He was a nasty piece of work but enjoyed attention.

The family knew/suspected he cheated and his wife let him get away with it more or less.

All 3 of his children (his daughter being my ex wife and her 2 brothers) have cheated on their spouses. In each case that family has been torn apart and 2 of my ex wife's nephews have real issues with their dad and with trust. They have gone on to cheat on their partners.

I can see 1 family that has corrected this "wobble" and I really hope the way I have handled my ex's cheating has meant that this legacy has not been passed down "my" side of the family.

tl;dr: Cheating is insidious and has long reaching effects.


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## hasekmpp (Oct 31, 2013)

He went from being a polite, trouble free kid, to an angry boy who started sneaking around behind my back smoking and drinking.


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## Mzflower (Aug 3, 2013)

loopy lu said:


> A relationship with my father
> A male role model
> My faith in marriage
> My trust in men
> ...


:iagree: sad isn't it.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Coming up to the third Christmas since she has been gone.

*They lose security. *

I have a good reliable job (now) but the ExW can barely support herself. Both my kids know that our life is not as secure as it was and my disposable income is about zip. They have one reliable parent. You need two.

*Loss of a model to live their life and build relationships.*

I was married 25 years and it fell apart. When are they going to feel secure in a relationship. 26 years?

*Loss of trust.*
The people who are supposed to put you first are your parents. One of them decided that another man was more important than them and chose to leave the family for him. 

I will never forgive her for that.

*Loss of respect.*
Thanks to TAM I did not descend into pajama wearing self destructive behavior. I did not hit the bottle. Even so in a recent conversation with my eldest I was next to useless for 3 months. I then regained her respect as my self respect grew. I'm a poster boy for the 180.

It didn't hurt that I found myself a girlfriend in about a month.

My ExW is "Still useless." Not my words.


*Loss of innocence.*
My girls are older but my GF's is young. I won't say too much but seeing that little one have to deal with this selfishness is often heartbreaking for both her an her Mother. We do not live together, this is deliberate choice we made This little one needs to know that someone is there just for her first, middle and last.

I could go on.

A note to WS reading this.

Continuing an affair will lead to Divorce. It is just a matter of time. Ending it immediately on discovery you have a chance. a small one..


*There will not be a friendly Divorce. *
At best it will be civil after some years. Mostly you will be cut totally out of your current partner life, your children will see you for who you have become and they will grow distant. 

It is the height of self indulgence and shows no concern for children you created. 
This will become obvious 
All this because you want to bang someone else.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

To grow up into well-adjusted adults, kids need a loving home and parents who are good role models.

When there's an A, both are lost in one fell swoop.

What happens to kids in childhood has deep and long lasting psychological effects. 

Perhaps it can even cause betrayal to become embedded in the generations to come. 
My WS's father was a cheater and so was his grandfather. 

D or R the kids are innocent bystanders in one of the nastiest emotional conflicts there is.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

I get angry at things I shouldn't. It is taking time for me to get myself under control. My EX can do things that set me off. 

She had a family outing with her family and did not invite my oldest son. He wasn't 'behaving properly'... They don't get along. I was furious he wasn't invited. My middle son decided not to go because his older brother was not allowed. I am sad for my middle son, but more so I am proud of him. It is tough. We are going through this together.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

MovingAhead said:


> I get angry at things I shouldn't. It is taking time for me to get myself under control. My EX can do things that set me off.


You are not alone there MA, it's the same for all us BS. Don't be too hard on yourself.



> She had a family outing with her family and did not invite my oldest son. He wasn't 'behaving properly'... They don't get along. I was furious he wasn't invited. My middle son decided not to go because his older brother was not allowed. I am sad for my middle son, but more so I am proud of him. It is tough. We are going through this together.


I feel one thing a parent MUST do which your EX didn't in this case is give all of the children the same, regardless of how they are behaving. As if she can afford to complain about your son's behaviour. 
What about her own behaviour. 

I too would be VERY proud of your middle son who refused to go without his brother. 
It made me shed a tear. 

And your kids will grow up to be VERY proud of their Dad.


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