# Should I go tell him or wait??



## Jax67 (Jan 17, 2013)

I’ve known a guy for a year and a half, we are both in our forties and have both been separated for over three years. He has perused me all this time and I wasn’t interested in him as a boyfriend but more as a friend and I told him that as I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. We would go out for dinks and dinner and he made it clear that he really likes me. Although I thought he was a great guy, works hard, caring etc. I didn’t physically find him attractive as he was quite over weight, but always enjoyed his company and we had fun. He tells his daughter about me and his friends and invites me out with them too.

In the past month after not seeing him, but always keeping in touch by text, he’s lost a ton of weight and looks really good and I am now finding him physically attractive as well as knowing he could definitely be someone I could see myself with. We’ve been out the past few weekends and my feelings are warming to him quite rapidly. I’ve stayed over at his place before after a late night and although we’ve messed around I wouldn’t let it go any further.

Saturday just gone we went out and had a fab time and ended up sleeping together. The next morning he seemed a little distant, maybe it was just me, but he just seemed to be complaining about how much work he has on and seemed really down about it. I'd never seen him act this way before and it left me feeling a bit weird. 

I’m not sure as I’ve rejected this guy so many times in telling him we are only friends that by sleeping together has confused his feelings as I’m sure he doesn’t know where he is at with me. My question is, should I tell him how I feel? I can’t think of nothing else and don’t think I’d have anything to lose, but is it the right thing? Should I ask to see him and go and tell him or should I wait until we meet up again, although I don’t think I can hold out?!??


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

What do you exactly want to tell him? That you like him & want to continue to date?


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## Jax67 (Jan 17, 2013)

Well we haven't been dating, it's been a friend thing. He's quite besotted with me, but after the weekend I thought he was a little distant. 

I was going to ask him if he wanted to start dating properly as I think he's too scared to ask me? But would that be right or should I let it happen naturally?


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Jax67 said:


> I’ve known a guy for a year and a half, we are both in our forties and have both been separated for over three years. He has perused me all this time and I wasn’t interested in him as a boyfriend but more as a friend and I told him that as I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. We would go out for dinks and dinner and he made it clear that he really likes me. Although I thought he was a great guy, works hard, caring etc. I didn’t physically find him attractive as he was quite over weight, but always enjoyed his company and we had fun.
> 
> In the past month after not seeing him, but always keeping in touch by text, he’s lost a ton of weight and looks really good and I am now finding him physically attractive as well as knowing he could definitely be someone I could see myself with.
> 
> ...


1. I think he just had work etc on his mind, nothing to do with you.
I wouldn't worry about it. Some folks get down & grumpy when the thoughts of work arise. 

2. How much weight did he lose? 
Will you still be attracted to him if he puts the weight back on? 
It can happen. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Perhaps and this is just a thought coming from his perspective, that he tried to pursue you and after endless rejection you finally sleep with him and in the morning light he is trying to figure what lead up from all the NO's to a YES, and might concluded the difference was his weight, the fact that you wanted him after he lost the weight , he might see you as a bit shallow...and resentment started to kick in. would you leave him if he started gaining the weight back on?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Let it happen naturally.


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## Jax67 (Jan 17, 2013)

Thank you MrsAldi.

You could well be right about just being grumpy about the work, I know this a true fact that he is overly busy. But it just seemed odd. But then I've never seen this side before.

He lost 35lb, I think he's feeling so good about himself that he would be careful not too, however, yes it happens. I'd have to tell him if I did I guess.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Jax67 said:


> Well we haven't been dating, it's been a friend thing. He's quite besotted with me, but after the weekend I thought he was a little distant.
> 
> I was going to ask him if he wanted to start dating properly as I think he's too scared to ask me? But would that be right or should I let it happen naturally?


Have the conversation! Otherwise, you both may be confused on whether you're dating or not. It's better to be on the same page. No room for misinterpretations. :smile2:


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## Jax67 (Jan 17, 2013)

He's a good man, I think he would respect the fact that I was being honest, but obviously now that I feel different about him I'm not feeling so brave.


Xenote I hear where you are coming from, that has gone through my mind.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Jax67 said:


> Thank you MrsAldi.
> 
> You could well be right about just being grumpy about the work, I know this a true fact that he is overly busy. But it just seemed odd. But then I've never seen this side before.
> 
> He lost 35lb, I think he's feeling so good about himself that he would be careful not too, however, yes it happens. I'd have to tell him if I did I guess.


Once you get into a relationship long term, he may anxious about work, if it's stressful. My husband gets like that usually, I used to think that it was me but after speaking with him, he said "no I'm not grumpy with you, just the thoughts of going back to work!" 
It may become a pattern. 

How did he lose the weight with diet & exercise? 
If he gets really busy in work, his schedule may conflict with working out or he may stress eat, but you can give him gentle reminders  
Be careful not to say that you find him unattractive with the weight, but focus on the health aspects. 

I think you two could have great potential as a couple together. 


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Jax67 said:


> He's a good man, I think he would respect the fact that I was being honest, but obviously now that I feel different about him I'm not feeling so brave.
> 
> 
> Xenote I hear where you are coming from, that has gone through my mind.


If you even think that there is a chance for both of you, then you need to clear the air with the truth, in this way you both come into the relationship with expectations and that is okay...you could say that you want to have a partner in life who reflects your attitude about taking care of their bodies, and that includes healthy eating and exercise, clearly you have seen that change in him and that has given you cause to want to investigate a relationship...now if he on the other hand say well i am looking for someone who wants me regardless of my weight , then clearly there is an impasse and better to know now then later.


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## Jax67 (Jan 17, 2013)

He first started to lose weight when he was hit in the mouth with a ladder (ouch) and couldn't eat for a few weeks. He then obviously felt better about himself and continued to lose it and he now has a personal trainer, so he seems quite committed, fingers crossed.

He ticked every box for me other than being overweight, I know that sounds shallow, but I didn't want to start a relationship as he was and then found I didn't want to stay with him. He is just too nice of a guy to hurt. 

He would make a really great partner and we would make a great couple I am sure.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I'm a full disclosure kind of girl. For instance, I used to be a fluffier girl. More than a decade ago, but it was still part of who I was at one point. When Mr Spicy and I first got together I disclosed this to him, (along with every other negative thing about myself I could think of lol). It's just the way I am. He was also upfront that he is not attracted to fluffy girls. I just feel the more you know about each other's likes and dislikes the better you can maneuver this little thing called life. 

So much is in how you word things though. Considering how far you are into this already, I would personally take this kind of approach:

"Laddermouth, I have enjoyed your company so much, from the very moment we started hanging out. I have such a blast with you! Our friendship grew and grew and we connected so well on so many levels. Then, out of the blue you pull a fast one! You lost weight and got all sexy on me, and now I can't resist you at all! You shot yourself right out of the friend zone into the I wanna rip your clothes off zone! Nicely done you stud!!!"

This is a playful way to acknowledge that you are now sexually attracted to him because of him being more fit, with a very positive spin on it.:smthumbup:


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Jax67 said:


> He would make a really great partner and we would make a great couple I am sure.


This and "I am completely in love with him and want to see if this will work" are not the same thing.

Your comment could also describe how you felt about a Labrador or Golden Retriever. If you aren't excited about the thought of being with him then he deserves to have someone who is.

I think you need to talk to him and be honest, even about your feeling changing due to his weight loss, then decide together if you want to see how things work out. Feeling as though you love him like a brother doesn't make a romantic relationship.

I hope you can make it work but only if it's the right thing to do and not a settling for the easy, comfortable option.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

His is a curious reaction indeed. Keep us updated, OP.


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## Jax67 (Jan 17, 2013)

Ok, I'll be completely honest I do believe I have completely fallen for him. I do love him and I do want to see if it works, that's what I would like to tell him, but I don't want to scare him!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

My take?

He's concerned that something as trivial as 35 pounds could sway your feelings toward him in such a profound way and, based on that alone, he's hesitant to pursue any sort of meaningful relationship w/ you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jax67 (Jan 17, 2013)

Ok, I hear you and I know it's only your opinion, but I'm sure he wouldn't have perused me for a year and a half if I was 35 pound over weight right?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Jax67 said:


> Ok, I hear you and I know it's only your opinion, but I'm sure he wouldn't have perused me for a year and a half if I was 35 pound over weight right?


Maybe...maybe not.

Different people value different things in a relationship.

Don't fall into the trap of thinking others see the world the same way as you.

Here is a thought:

Ask him how he sees it!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Jax67 said:


> Ok, I hear you and I know it's only your opinion, but I'm sure he wouldn't have perused me for a year and a half if I was 35 pound over weight right?


Maybe. Maybe not. I don't know the guy. (Speaking personally, I actually prefer women w/ a few "wobbly bits".)

Doesn't change anything either way. After all, he might put the weight back on. If that happens, are you going to go from being crazy in love w/ him back to friendzoning him?

Reagardless of your answer, you can believe that he's asking himself this question.

By the way, please note that is in no way a judgement of your character.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

Spicy said:


> "Laddermouth, I have enjoyed your company so much, from the very moment we started hanging out. I have such a blast with you! Our friendship grew and grew and we connected so well on so many levels. Then, out of the blue you pull a fast one! You lost weight and got all sexy on me, and now I can't resist you at all! You shot yourself right out of the friend zone into the I wanna rip your clothes off zone! Nicely done you stud!!!"
> 
> This is a playful way to acknowledge that you are now sexually attracted to him because of him being more fit, with a very positive spin on it.:smthumbup:


and what he'll actually hear, if that's his worry:

"Laddermouth, you're sexy, but if you gain weight, I'm outta here."


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

Jax67 said:


> Ok, I'll be completely honest I do believe I have completely fallen for him. I do love him and I do want to see if it works, that's what I would like to tell him, but I don't want to scare him!


I'd ignore the weight, and lean on the "the time apart made me realize..." pathway.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

So he was a fun guy, but wasn't attractive until he lost weight? You'd go drinking with him and keep him securely in the friend zone before you suddenly found him attractive and had sex? Ouch. 

My bet is, he's confused. He could be questioning whether you're more than physically attracted. No offense but I see your predicament as kind of shallow. Maybe it's because physical appearance is not very high on my personal list but is (or seems to be) on yours.

What is done cannot be undone. Just keep watching his actions. They will tell you everything. 

My feeling is that he may fade away, maybe not immediately. With ANY personal improvement comes increased confidence, the kind of confidence that boosts clarity to see the motivations of others.

If he were to come here and share his story, I think many posters would suggest he go find someone that can love him for the complete pie, rather than just a slice.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Jax67 said:


> Ok, I hear you and I know it's only your opinion, but I'm sure he wouldn't have perused me for a year and a half if I was 35 pound over weight right?


Not necessarily true.

I met DH when we were 24. He was fluffy when I met him, but it was love and lust at first sight despite his weight. We're coming up on 17 years together and over that time he has gained weight, lost weight, and gained it back. Never once has this effected my attraction to him.

I was curvy, but not fat when we met. Over time, I have had a baby, a thyroid condition, and gained some weight. He has always said that he is still very attracted to me and that what matters most to him is how I carry myself and my level of confidence.

We're still trying to lose weight for health and fashion reasons, but our weights haven't caused loss of attraction.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Jax67 said:


> Ok, I'll be completely honest I do believe I have completely fallen for him. I do love him and I do want to see if it works, that's what I would like to tell him, but I don't want to scare him!


Tell him and see how it goes. 

You rarely look back and regret things you did do as much as those you wished you had done but didn't.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

dubsey said:


> and what he'll actually hear, if that's his worry:
> 
> "Laddermouth, you're sexy, but if you gain weight, I'm outta here."


TIS true.....he may think that. I don't know if that is how she feels or not...it has served me pretty well thus far in life to say it like it is. The truth inevitably surfaces later and hurts much worse then. So I just get it out at the beginning. YMMV


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I'll just spit it out. Maybe he discovered that all that pursuing wasn't worth it. Your encounter didn't live up to his expectations.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Do him a favor and keep him in the friend zone. (Too late I know) He's pissed that after crushing on you for years you had no interest in any kind of relationship with him -- until he lost weight.

What happens if he slowly puts the weight back on? Let's say you date for 6-12 months, and then he tears a knee, so he can't work out, or just decides to stop working out and gains the weight back? Would you end the relationship? Personally if I was him I wouldn't enter a relationship that was contingent on me maintaining a specific weight range.

Guys are dumb but they aren't stupid. He knows that you finally went next level with him only after he lost weight. It's the only variable that has changed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

If he gains his weight back, are you still going to be attracted to him? If not, then I'd chalk it up as a slip up on your part for going there and continue on as friends.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> I'll just spit it out. Maybe he discovered that all that pursuing wasn't worth it. Your encounter didn't live up to his expectations.


 This ^ or possibly after all the chasing you made him do, to finally have sex with him after he lost the weight, he realized he upped his rank and has the thought that he can do better than you now. So maybe he'll make you chase him for awhile (or play the field) until you make some change he'll find desirable or he'll just move on. Shallow Karmic justice.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Blondilocks said:


> I'll just spit it out. Maybe he discovered that all that pursuing wasn't worth it. Your encounter didn't live up to his expectations.


What she said....

What guy would wake up from having sex with the woman of his dreams acting all mopey because he was thinking about work? All he would be thinking about is more sex.

Having sex changed the dynamics of the relationship, the chase is over and that bums him out. He really doesn't want you as a girlfriend but he doesn't know how to say "thanks for the chase and the night of sex, guess I win. See ya!" 

My guess is he will become more and more distant.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He might be worrying that having sex could ruin your friendship.

And I was dating a woman who said that just after we had sex! 

I thought: "Thanks!"


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Rubix Cubed said:


> This ^ or possibly after all the chasing you made him do, to finally have sex with him after he lost the weight, he realized he upped his rank and has the thought that he can do better than you now. So maybe he'll make you chase him for awhile (or play the field) until you make some change he'll find desirable or he'll just move on. Shallow Karmic justice.


I hate to admit but I cynically thought of this too. You became a challenge when you rejected him but now he's succeeded and realizes that it was all about the conquest. Could be that he just hates his job though too.


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## happydad (Apr 11, 2016)

I can say that most threads I read on here have very similar, on point feedback. The fact that this one has varying opinions tells me you should definitely have the "talk". I don't think its shallow to be attracted to somebody that takes care of themselves and not attracted to somebody who does not, maybe just come right out and tell him that as others ITT have said. It's early enough in the intimate stage of the relationship that neither of you are in too deep.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> My take?
> 
> He's concerned that something as trivial as 35 pounds could sway your feelings toward him in such a profound way and, based on that alone, he's hesitant to pursue any sort of meaningful relationship w/ you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes. This. 

Look - I would take a few steps back yourself and really ask yourself if you are just feeling infatuated with him because this is new. 

You listed all these fabulous qualities he had then said that his weight bothered you enough to negate all of those qualities. They must not have been THAT great, if a measley 35 lbs can change your mind? 

Full disclosure: when I met my husband, he was normal weight. Not beefcake fit or anything. Just a regular guy. I fell in love with his soul and his personality, not his physique. Didn't care one bit about it to be honest. On our third date he disclosed to me that he recently lost a lot of weight (almost 100lbs) and that the way he looked at that moment of dating me was the skinniest he'd ever been in his life. I've never had a weight problem and just shrugged and was like ok then. We've been together now for 12 years. In those 12 years he's gained the weight, lost it and gained it again. He's been all over the map. It does not change how I feel about him. That is how I know I love him. He could be paraplegic or 300 lbs heavier and it would not change how I feel about him. 

My guess is that deep down that is what this guy wants for himself. He wants to be loved for who he is. (Don't we all?) Not for someone he needs to morph into in order to win you over.


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

Things were good, you had sex for the first time, now he's distant.

This tale is as old as time.


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