# Wife and porn



## Bruticus (Dec 18, 2014)

Recently, by checking the computer's history, I've discovered that my wife watches porn. It's always in the morning when the kids are at school and I'm at work. Once in a while and I wouldn't be concerned, but it seems to be that most days when she has the opportunity, she does, even if we've had sex before I went to work or the previous night. Each "viewing session" tends to last roughly a half hour, give or take. My concerns are the frequency of her porn watching (several times a week), and the type of porn she watches. I watch porn on occasion too, but no where near as much as her. And the type of porn I watch is stuff that I fantasize about participating in. If she fantasizes about some of this stuff, we could have a problem. Stuff like husbands watching their wives get drilled by other guys and incest porn (even though I know it isn't REALLY incest, just a porn script). 

So, how common is it for women to watch porn? How frequently do they? Do they watch porn that they would have no desire of actually acting out and what sense does that make? I hope someone can put me more at ease, but the truth is more important than anything.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Interesting.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I am fan of it. It's a great way to have a visual stimulation for some "me" time. 

Re: your wife - maybe talk to her about it. You said it's a problem if she's fantasizing about it - but I think fantasies are one thing and reality is another. As long as she's not acting it out, it's just part of her exploring her sexuality in her mind/thoughts.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

Bruticus said:


> Recently, by checking the computer's history, I've discovered that my wife watches porn. It's always in the morning when the kids are at school and I'm at work. Once in a while and I wouldn't be concerned, but it seems to be that most days when she has the opportunity, she does, even if we've had sex before I went to work or the previous night. Each "viewing session" tends to last roughly a half hour, give or take. My concerns are the frequency of her porn watching (several times a week), and the type of porn she watches. I watch porn on occasion too, but no where near as much as her. And the type of porn I watch is stuff that I fantasize about participating in. If she fantasizes about some of this stuff, we could have a problem. Stuff like husbands watching their wives get drilled by other guys and incest porn (even though I know it isn't REALLY incest, just a porn script).
> 
> So, how common is it for women to watch porn? How frequently do they? Do they watch porn that they would have no desire of actually acting out and what sense does that make? I hope someone can put me more at ease, but the truth is more important than anything.


No one just "watches" porn.

She is getting off to the porn.

Everyone here knows my position about porn, but that position is about how men react to porn. I have no idea about how women react to porn.

A lot of porn use is just about exploring fantasies. But when the exploring becomes about "novelty" then I think that is where the problem starts. The person doing the exploring becomes addicted to "novelty" and no matter how much their spouse tries there is no way that they can provide novelty that can compete with the novelty of porn. It is my opinion that women are more drawn to relationships, perhaps because of estrogen, and that men are more excited at physical enticements. Porn is more about the latter, and less about relationships, thus I think that women generally have less of a problem dealing with porn, but we are all quite different than one another, and I know that women can get addicted to porn.

Like you pointed out - it is acting, and there can be no limits to the acting.

Look, I get it. Porn is here to stay. We all have to learn how to deal with it. What is important is that each spouse understands their own feelings about sexuality and is accepting of their spouses (often different) feelings.

You know that your wives "watches" it.

Now you just have to sort out what that means to you and to your relationship.

I think you should have a conversation with your wife. But don't be coy about it, and don't be accusing either. Be direct and even blunt, just tell her that you know she is getting off to porn in the mornings and ask her if there is something more you can be doing for her. Or you could just continue to monitor this activity with a little more understanding. Women are very sexual creatures. It is often hard for men to understand this. Of course I just read what I wrote and I realized that many women do not understand nor accept how sexual men are. It is startling when we realize how easily we can feel threatened by another person's unbridled sexuality.

You could certainly explore some of these fantasies with your wife, but it will be necessary for you to turn off your judgement of what those fantasies are. Most fantasies are exactly that, fantasies that stimulate the mind but could never happen in reality.

You should know that morning after horniness is very very common. Sex raises the testosterone level in both women and men and the effect usually hits a person in the morning when testosterone levels are naturally higher.


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

interresting !

hmmm , It is good luck , don't take it personnel .

if you are worry about her ( I doubt ...) I believe you shouldn't be really worried about turning into an addiction ; take it positively .

Every human being has a fantasy ; when it is burried by social it doesn't mean it doesn't exist ...

-I believe you are not really hurt bec she is watching porn ; you are more hurt because you freak to know that you might not have been pleasing her hence she is watching porn while hub is watching ....

Maybe in her sub-conscious she wish that you learn few techniques ...


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Bruticus said:


> So, how common is it for women to watch porn? How frequently do they? Do they watch porn that they would have no desire of actually acting out and what sense does that make? I hope someone can put me more at ease, but the truth is more important than anything.


I regularly watch porn. I have zero desire to act it out or have it happen IRL. I don't think it has to make sense. It has to get me off. 

That said, I also watch porn with my BF and it's fabulous. Why don't you talk to your wife about it, maybe make it a joint thing from time to time? But it's important to let her have her own time with it, too. She might be embarrassed about the porn content and doesn't want to share it with you.


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

I don't want to be harsh , but bruticus ,
I disagree that you talk to her , because you will shut her fantasy system down ....

you seem to be upset just because she is watching something where your image is not the hero ... so if you were the hero , would that be Okey ?


-Don't make her feel that you know.
Watch them yourself ; if you can afford trying the same approach , do it , don't you want to please your wife ?

-You might be lucky , because not only this is giving you hints that your wife is not satisfied ; it is giving you a hint on how to satisfy her ; may be she wants you to do some change....

don't be static , don't be selfish , you are lucky to get hints ...

I wish my wife is HD , I wish my wife watches porn !


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## Bruticus (Dec 18, 2014)

Jellybeans, She'll get pissed if she knows I've been snooping on what she's been watching.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Bruticus said:


> Jellybeans, She'll get pissed if she knows I've been snooping on what she's been watching.


What prompted you to look? Was your discovery accidental or were you looking as a result of suspicion...?

Either way, you need to talk w/ your wife. Just make sure that you don't get all "judgey" w/ her, otherwise she'll start throwing walls up, and the discussion will escalate into a shouting match.


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## Bruticus (Dec 18, 2014)

sparkyjim said:


> No one just "watches" porn.
> 
> She is getting off to the porn.
> 
> ...



I don't know your position on porn, because I'm new, but I get the feeling you might know a lot. you're right, I know women are very sexual creatures and it is hard for a lot of men to understand this, like me because I look at men and wonder how anybody could be attracted to them (but I'm glad they are). and yeah, I guess I feel threatened by her unbridled sexuality. I want her to be happy with me, not to have to "settle" for me, you know.


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## Bruticus (Dec 18, 2014)

zouz, my wife has hinted at wanting to try bdsm, like 50 shades stuff. I'm willing to try it for her sake even though I think it's retarded. But my fantasies involve multiple women and I know that's not likely to happen and I'll survive without it. But let a woman go without her fantasies and it's like the world is ending or something.


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## Bruticus (Dec 18, 2014)

lucy999 said:


> I regularly watch porn. I have zero desire to act it out or have it happen IRL. I don't think it has to make sense. It has to get me off.
> 
> That said, I also watch porn with my BF and it's fabulous. Why don't you talk to your wife about it, maybe make it a joint thing from time to time? But it's important to let her have her own time with it, too. She might be embarrassed about the porn content and doesn't want to share it with you.



You see, right there. I don't get watching porn that you would have zero desire to act out on. The porn that excites me does so because I could see myself doing that stuff and having fun. I guess I just don't understand.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Bruticus said:


> You see, right there. I don't get watching porn that you would have zero desire to act out on. The porn that excites me does so because I could see myself doing that stuff and having fun. I guess I just don't understand.


Do you watch porn? 

If so, do you want to act out everything you watch? Is that the implication here? That you want to, that you will?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Bruticus said:


> You see, right there. I don't get watching porn that you would have zero desire to act out on. The porn that excites me does so because I could see myself doing that stuff and having fun. I guess I just don't understand.


Really? I love watching lesbian porn. Girl on girl no guys around. I can't participate in that because then it would be three way :rofl:

I see nothing wrong about having a conversation about porn with her and telling her what you found. But you have to remove any judgement from your voice about it. They are her fantasies and she is entitled to them.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Bruticus said:


> zouz, my wife has hinted at wanting to try bdsm, like 50 shades stuff. I'm willing to try it for her sake even though I think it's retarded. But my fantasies involve multiple women and I know that's not likely to happen and I'll survive without it. But let a woman go without her fantasies and it's like the world is ending or something.


I think it's great you're willing to try something your wife has hinted about, even if you're not into it. But I wonder if she has picked up on your begrudging attitude, thus, watching porn on her own so you won't judge her about that as well? Because you seem to be judgey on her bdsm kink.

ETA: Because if I got even a whiff of judgement from my partner about my sexual desires, oh boy we'd have a real problem and I'd take everything underground.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I agree with some here....every one needs private time, how you use that private it time is their business...if you talk to her about porn you will only send her underground and then you will be shut off from knowing anything. Until you see her acting upon those desires then i would leave it alone, and who is to say how many times masturbation (if that is what she is doing) is the right amount, everyone is different, and perhaps you look at that this as perhaps her stress release...perhaps she is under a lot of stress and this is her own time to release it....perhaps you might (one night ) when the mood is right talk about fantasy and see where that conversation leads too.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Many women look at porn for pure fantasy, not because they'd want to do any of it. I am, however, having trouble reconciling your statement about her being happy and having to settle for you when you admit you watch it. Ironically, that's how many women feel about their guys watching it, because they wonder if their guy would really like something else but settles for them because they're there. 

So there's the question: how can you possibly feel threatened by it if you watch it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

I watch porn from time to time, so does my husband. My view on porn is as long as the porn is not replacing the spouse, then it is all good to me. The minute porn becomes the primary source of sexual satisfaction & I become the 2nd, that is when the problem would start for me.

I don't see anything wrong with talking to your wife about it, but make sure you choose your words carefully. Don't shame her about it though. Keep the conversation up beat & ask if she wants to watch with you one day & act out the movies. ;-)


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

Lucy , you are right , I believe there is judgement ; I can smell it because me too I am sensitive to it ; my wife beleieve that anything other than Vanilla is absurd ...

there is no point with this attitude to open a discussion and cause a mess.

You can't tell your partner " Hon , I will try to satisfy your desires though they look weird".

it is equivalent to : you are an abnormal person , but I will do it as I expect you to do something for me ...


If I was him , I would have done the best I could , without really talking about it ; I might not put a collar, but would bark if that makes her horny


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## Bruticus (Dec 18, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> Do you watch porn?
> 
> If so, do you want to act out everything you watch? Is that the implication here? That you want to, that you will?


No. the implication is that if I wasn't married, if I were free to do as I please, then the porn I watch would be reflective of the kind of sex I would like to be having. I assume for women it's totally different?


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

I don't watch porn and have no interest in it. I wouldn't worry about your wife watching porn as long as she isn't doing it instead of having sex with you. I also wouldn't bring it up that you know what she is doing. Not only would it probably embarrass her but make her feel like you are watching her and she has now privacy. That's how I would feel.


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## Bruticus (Dec 18, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> Really? I love watching lesbian porn. Girl on girl no guys around. I can't participate in that because then it would be three way :rofl:
> 
> I see nothing wrong about having a conversation about porn with her and telling her what you found. But you have to remove any judgement from your voice about it. They are her fantasies and she is entitled to them.


lol. ok.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Bruticus said:


> No. the implication is that if I wasn't married, if I were free to do as I please, then the porn I watch would be reflective of the kind of sex I would like to be having. I assume for women it's totally different?


But you are married. So that's why I asked. Does this mean you don't watch it? 

I can't speak for all women (or men), but generalizations are usually silly. Some may wish to do things they view, some may just use it for fantasy.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Wolf1974 said:


> Really? I love watching lesbian porn. Girl on girl no guys around. I can't participate in that because then it would be three way :rofl:


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## Bruticus (Dec 18, 2014)

lucy999 said:


> I think it's great you're willing to try something your wife has hinted about, even if you're not into it. But I wonder if she has picked up on your begrudging attitude, thus, watching porn on her own so you won't judge her about that as well? Because you seem to be judgey on her bdsm kink.
> 
> ETA: Because if I got even a whiff of judgement from my partner about my sexual desires, oh boy we'd have a real problem and I'd take everything underground.


She knows it's not my thing, but I think I've been careful about not appearing to be judgmental. Perhaps I havn't been as careful as I thought.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

Bruticus said:


> No. the implication is that if I wasn't married, if I were free to do as I please, then the porn I watch would be reflective of the kind of sex I would like to be having. I assume for women it's totally different?


Is this implication an assumption on your part or your wife specificially made such a statement?

The porn I have watched has given me ideas of new tricks to try with my husband. But then again, I like it good & nasty. LOL!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Is your sex life ok?


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## Bruticus (Dec 18, 2014)

Xenote said:


> I agree with some here....every one needs private time, how you use that private it time is their business...if you talk to her about porn you will only send her underground and then you will be shut off from knowing anything. Until you see her acting upon those desires then i would leave it alone, and who is to say how many times masturbation (if that is what she is doing) is the right amount, everyone is different, and perhaps you look at that this as perhaps her stress release...perhaps she is under a lot of stress and this is her own time to release it....perhaps you might (one night ) when the mood is right talk about fantasy and see where that conversation leads too.


good post. I am afraid if I talk to her about it then she'll remember to use the inprivate browsing feature and then i'll never know anything. Think i'll keep my mouth shut and monitor a little longer before making any decisions. I do wonder how often she's getting herself off during these viewings, but I guess with women it doesn't matter because they can have unlimited orgasms. I usually only watch a little when I think sex could be happening soon, thus I'm certainly not getting myself off.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

sparkyjim said:


> No one just "watches" porn.
> 
> She is getting off to the porn.


 Not true, some of us wait for our spouses...really.. I went through a spell where I wanted to rent porn, all I could think about was SEX SEX SEX..(posting on forums distracted me some)... I loved looking at it... but only about 3- 4 times during that 8 month period did I "get off"... so it's possible to Look, build the anticipation and basically attack your husband when he comes home.... done that a # of times  

Not saying she isn't.. just that some of us do wait.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I went through a spell where I wanted to *rent* porn


I love your "old school" vibe, Simply.


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## Bruticus (Dec 18, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Many women look at porn for pure fantasy, not because they'd want to do any of it. I am, however, having trouble reconciling your statement about her being happy and having to settle for you when you admit you watch it. Ironically, that's how many women feel about their guys watching it, because they wonder if their guy would really like something else but settles for them because they're there.
> 
> So there's the question: how can you possibly feel threatened by it if you watch it?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Perhaps because I thought guys were more visual than women, so porn is more of a "guy thing". when we have sex, I like visual stimulation then too. We could be under all the covers doing it and she'd be fine, although it's not like that very often. Plus, if I wanted to act on my fantasies, it would take a lot of time and effort to make it happen. But women could go find sex in the blink of an eye because I know how guys are.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

JustTired said:


> I watch porn from time to time, so does my husband. My view on porn is as long as the porn is not replacing the spouse, then it is all good to me. The minute porn becomes the primary source of sexual satisfaction & I become the 2nd, that is when the problem would start for me.
> 
> I don't see anything wrong with talking to your wife about it, but make sure you choose your words carefully. Don't shame her about it though. Keep the conversation up beat & ask if she wants to watch with you one day & act out the movies. ;-)


:iagree:

I was shocked the day I discovered my wife watched porn and even more shocked when I discovered what she was watching. Downtrodden when I realized it had replaced me.

If i were you I would not brush off the BDSM. I still believe my wife had an EA with someone at work who picked up on this (the 50 shades effect) with her. As a result I lost her for about 3-4 years most of the time wondering WTF was going on.

If I were you I would ante up on your inner Alpha or you may find yourself in a cuckold situation.


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## Bruticus (Dec 18, 2014)

JustTired said:


> I watch porn from time to time, so does my husband. My view on porn is as long as the porn is not replacing the spouse, then it is all good to me. The minute porn becomes the primary source of sexual satisfaction & I become the 2nd, that is when the problem would start for me.
> 
> I don't see anything wrong with talking to your wife about it, but make sure you choose your words carefully. Don't shame her about it though. Keep the conversation up beat & ask if she wants to watch with you one day & act out the movies. ;-)


we have done that a couple times. but usually after 5 or 10 minutes, I find myself wondering why we are watching this instead of having sex, then we do (and who cares about the movie). sometimes we see something we want to try but a lot of porn are just kinda stupid.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Bruticus said:


> Perhaps because I thought guys were more visual than women, so porn is more of a "guy thing".


Well, now you know that some women like to watch, too.



Bruticus said:


> lus, if I wanted to act on my fantasies, it would take a lot of time and effort to make it happen. But women could go find sex in the blink of an eye because I know how guys are.


Eh. Just because it may be readily available doesn't mean we'd all act on it. I personally would prefer solo time than laying down with some random to get off. Random stranger sex is scary to me.


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## Bruticus (Dec 18, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> But you are married. So that's why I asked. Does this mean you don't watch it?
> 
> I can't speak for all women (or men), but generalizations are usually silly. Some may wish to do things they view, some may just use it for fantasy.


I do watch it, but by almost nobody's standards do I watch it often. I don't expect to have sex like in the porn I watch, and I knew that when I proposed over 12 years ago. But should I find myself single again one day, I hope to have sex like that and I wonder if my wife feels the same way about the porn she watches.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Seems like you are making a mountain out of a molehill. Also, almost seems like you resent the fact that she/women watch porn since it doesn't fit into your idea of what they would do.

You could always ask her directly if she watches it because she wants to act out it. And ask her if she's getting off.


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## Bruticus (Dec 18, 2014)

JustTired said:


> Is this implication an assumption on your part or your wife specificially made such a statement?
> 
> The porn I have watched has given me ideas of new tricks to try with my husband. But then again, I like it good & nasty. LOL!


an assumption, or question, on my part. I wonder if the porn women watch is the kind of sex they would like to be having if they were free to have any kind of sex they wanted.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Bruticus said:


> an assumption, or question, on my part. I wonder if the porn women watch is the kind of sex they would like to be having if they were free to have any kind of sex they wanted.


That would vary by woman. No two women are the same.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> Seems like you are making a mountain out of a molehill. Also, almost seems like you resent the fact that she/women watch porn since it doesn't fit into your idea of what they would do.
> 
> You could always ask her directly if she watches it because she wants to act out it. And ask her if she's getting off.


I agree.

I doubt that she wants the OP to watch while another man nails her. It might be the voyouristic element she likes, or perhaps just the naughtiness. 

Either way, if it is on the History tab, she is not really keeping it from the OP. He might give her a cuddle and ask her what turns her on about it.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Bruticus said:


> Perhaps because I thought guys were more visual than women, so porn is more of a "guy thing". when we have sex, I like visual stimulation then too. We could be under all the covers doing it and she'd be fine, although it's not like that very often. Plus, if I wanted to act on my fantasies, it would take a lot of time and effort to make it happen. But women could go find sex in the blink of an eye because I know how guys are.



Very common misconception and double standard. Women are very visual, we are just raised to consider other things so many don't fully embrace their sexuality.

Think about it: if your wife viewing porn means you're not enough why does yours not mean she's not enough?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Mr The Other said:


> I agree.
> 
> I doubt that she wants the OP to watch while another man nails her. It might be the voyouristic element she likes, or perhaps just the naughtiness.
> 
> Either way, if it is on the History tab, she is not really keeping it from the OP. He might give her a cuddle and ask her what turns her on about it.


I agree. And talking about it may even make their sex life better. Win-win! :smthumbup:


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## Bruticus (Dec 18, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> Is your sex life ok?


yes. we have it a lot. I think it's great. she says it's great. she acts like it's great. she appears satisfied. like most guys I think, I just hope the appearance is reality.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Bruticus said:


> yes. we have it a lot. I think it's great. she says it's great. she acts like it's great. she appears satisfied. like most guys I think, I just hope the appearance is reality.


Well that is a good thing then! I asked because if your sex life were lacking, or if she was doing that more than she was doing you, then that would be cause for concern. But it seems like she just may enjoy it for exploring her sexuality or "me" time.


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## Bruticus (Dec 18, 2014)

RClawson said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I was shocked the day I discovered my wife watched porn and even more shocked when I discovered what she was watching. Downtrodden when I realized it had replaced me.
> 
> ...


well, with kids in the house and the house not being all that big, I can't really have a fetish room, you know. but I may try to ante up somehow anyway. Sorry about what happened to you dude.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

Bruticus said:


> an assumption, or question, on my part. I wonder if the porn women watch is the kind of sex they would like to be having if they were free to have any kind of sex they wanted.


Bruticus,

Could it be that you are projecting your own opinions on what women do & don't do (or _shouldn't_ do) onto your wife? 

I like to watch lesbian porn...I am not a lesbian & I do not have any desire to be with a woman. Although it may sound like a contradiction to you, I've met women with the same sentiment.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Here is the thing I would wonder if I was THE MAN.. "is she getting OFF WITH ME?"... many women fake orgasms to please their men.. unfortunate , but true.. many threads here where the wife doesn't seem all that into sex, but he notices her vibrator is being moved on a regular basis.... he is keeping an eye on it.. 

Sounds you are having sex in the am often...(this being mentioned in the opening post)....Do you KNOW if she is getting hers???...if not, she may feel left hanging/ a little frustrated and wants to finish the excitement after you leave for work....

This could be a big OUCH TO A MAN.. I would feel that way.. in these cases, it would be helpful if you could openly talk about it and work to incorporate a way for you to satisfy her orgasmicaly even with toys ...so the intimacy is still being felt deeply..

Or she's just wants MORE orgasms, she's a nympho!! Hopefully this is it ...

We did it one night... he was fast asleep.... still had some porn on.. and darn it I was ready to go again. ..but I wasn't going to wake him up.. so I enjoyed the moment. I told him in the am and he wishes he could have helped me out.... but he wasn't upset.


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## Bruticus (Dec 18, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> Seems like you are making a mountain out of a molehill. Also, almost seems like you resent the fact that she/women watch porn since it doesn't fit into your idea of what they would do.
> 
> You could always ask her directly if she watches it because she wants to act out it. And ask her if she's getting off.


I hope I am (mountain out of molehill). I plan on asking her those things eventually, but the timing might have to be perfect.


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## Bruticus (Dec 18, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Very common misconception and double standard. Women are very visual, we are just raised to consider other things so many don't fully embrace their sexuality.
> 
> Think about it: if your wife viewing porn means you're not enough why does yours not mean she's not enough?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't watch as much as she does. when I do, it's usually because I think sex will be happening somewhat soon. If I do watch it when I'm all alone it's because I havn't had any in a while, but that happens rarely. she watches at different times for different reasons. So it's possible that our viewing habits could have different meanings.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

If things are otherwise good be happy and enjoy the fact that you have a women who is sexual. I wouldn't say a word and I wouldn't snoop again unless you had real cause to do so. At some point maybe introduce porn as a joint activity and see how she reacts. She might be good with it or she might not.


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## Bruticus (Dec 18, 2014)

JustTired said:


> Bruticus,
> 
> Could it be that you are projecting your own opinions on what women do & don't do (or _shouldn't_ do) onto your wife?
> 
> I like to watch lesbian porn...I am not a lesbian & I do not have any desire to be with a woman. Although it may sound like a contradiction to you, I've met women with the same sentiment.


I don't get that either. why watch lesbian porn if you have no desire for women? just trying to understand


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Here is the thing I would wonder if I was THE MAN.. "is she getting OFF WITH ME?"... many women fake orgasms to please their men.. unfortunate , but true.. many threads here where the wife doesn't seem all that into sex, but he notices her vibrator is being moved on a regular basis.... he is keeping an eye on it..
> 
> Sounds you are having sex in the am often...(this being mentioned in the opening post)....Do you KNOW if she is getting hers???...if not, she may feel left hanging/ a little frustrated and wants to finish the excitement after you leave for work....
> 
> ...



This is a really good point. A lot of women don't know how to bring this up without hurt feelings, and many men don't realize their wife is faking. This site has had quite a few guys with LD drive wives who seem to think their wife has multiple o's when they do have sex..... highly unlikely for a woman with multiple o ability to refusee sex. 

OP, are ya sure she's getting off with you? How do you know? If she wasn't how would you know?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Bruticus said:


> She knows it's not my thing, but I think I've been careful about not appearing to be judgmental. Perhaps I havn't been as careful as I thought.


There is a difference between being judgmental and not being enthused about an act. She may confuse your judgment of an act with being judgmental about her.

If you're not enthused with some of the games, put on your happy face and do it anyway to make her happy. If you find something repugnant, tell her it bothers you to do that, and the offer an alternative.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Bruticus said:


> I don't watch as much as she does. when I do, it's usually because I think sex will be happening somewhat soon. If I do watch it when I'm all alone it's because I havn't had any in a while, but that happens rarely. she watches at different times for different reasons. So it's possible that our viewing habits could have different meanings.


So if you think sex is happening soon you need porn? Your wife isn't enough? I'm not trying to be difficult, just trying get you to think about it. 

The not having it in a while thing I can understand, except that you said you have sex often.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Lila said:


> Okay, so I'm going to ask because I couldn't really get over it..... What the heck is "incest" porn?


It is exactly what is sounds like. Lol.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I wouldn't say a thing about knowing of the porn.

You could open up a general discussion about sex. Ask her if she is generally ok with your sex life. Ask her to tell you if there is anything she wants you to do more, less, or differently. Remind her you're a guy, so you don't catch subtle hints. You need her to tell you things directly, maybe more than once.

You could suggest the idea of watching porn together. Suggest you each select something that might be fun to watch. Gather some website ideas and then let her browse and choose. The big pay sites should be safe to use a credit card, and would be perhaps a better experience than the free sites. There are numerous female friendly sites with high quality productions. 

You could introduce some fantasy play or just talking a bit about fantasies. Have her go to a bar or club alone and then you go in and pretend to be a stranger trying to pick her up. Tell her a fantasy of yours. Tell her one that you know can't be fulfilled, like maybe public sex with her on the beach. Open up safe communication about sex and fantasies.

Don't tell her you monitor her computer history. And stop monitoring unless you suspect foul play.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yes, all of that. Brothers, mothers, sisters, cousins, daddies, etc.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

Bruticus said:


> I don't get that either. why watch lesbian porn if you have no desire for women? just trying to understand


Belive it or not, I have learned a thing or two watching 2 chicks go at it. I think you are focusing too much on the why and not on the _what_ (as in "What can I do to step it up?"). Just go in the bedroom & tell your wife, "Big Poppa is coming for you, girl!". Then, rock her world.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Lila said:


> Alrighty then. Just goes to show that I learn something new e-ver-y-day.


:rofl:

There is a LOT of weird stuff out there.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

JustTired said:


> Belive it or not, I have learned a thing or two watching 2 chicks go at it. I think you are focusing too much on the why and not on the _what_ (as in "What can I do to step it up?"). Just go in the bedroom & tell your wife, "Big Poppa is coming for you, girl!". Then, rock her world.


On the other side of the coin it could go older women/younger man....."be a good boy and come to mama"


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

Get some costumes and have a role play and deff try the BDSM in fact as much variance as possible as exploring together is fun as long as it stops when either one doesn't like a particular act.

First time I dressed up (she had a thing about Richard Gere so guess what I was dressed as ) after sweeping her off feet i felt a right ti* first time I did it but she now loves dressing up and vice versa ..not all the time, just some times (different costumes)

She didn't like watching porn years ago but now does, guess the inhibitions start to fall away as she got older


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

Well, since I'm female, I suppose I'll weigh in.

Reasons I'd watch porn:
1. I'm bored. Seriously, that is the #1 reason. I'm bored and I watch to watch something a little more "not mainstream" because I've had enough of watching whatever I'm binging on on Netflix and I want something a little risque and taboo because I'm human and that's human nature.

2. I'm horny and my imagination isn't wanting to give me anything good at the moment so I seek out something I can just watch and not think about. Yes, this can happen even if I'm having sex every night. It actually helps because it keeps my state of arousal on a low simmer. I don't think that would apply to someone who didn't already have a high sex drive, though. 

3. I'm looking for ideas for something new to try.

I watch stuff that I wouldn't want to do in real life. That's why it's FANTASY. It's the same reason people watch reality TV - it's pleasurable to watch things you know aren't going to happen to you, and maybe you wouldn't even want them to, but living outside of reality for that 30 minutes can up your "feel good" chemicals and relieve stress by taking you outside of reality for a bit.

I can't say I've ever watched truly taboo things, which is what I consider incest porn (especially being a parent). It just creeps me out. But my level of "creeped out" may be far lower than someone else's. My taboo might be their no big deal. I mean, I like wearing latex, and to others that's totally weird. What is my normal is someone else's "no effing way!"


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I wouldn't worry....unless she starts watching a lot of pegging porn.

Then I suggest you run!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

:rofl:


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

the guy said:


> I wouldn't worry....unless she starts watching a lot of pegging porn.
> 
> Then I suggest you run!


Funsuck


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
I have not problem with porn (and the associated masturbation) unless is is interfering with your sex life. In this case it sounds like the OP's sex life is good, so I see no problem.

Lots of people watch porn that has nothing to do with what they would want to do in real life. Its just a fantasy. I watch porn that is nothing like anything I actually want to do in real life. 

I'd suggest to the OP that since he watches, maybe he suggest to his wife that they watch together. 

Also, maybe suggest a bit of fantasy roleplay. (I wish my wife would let me know her fantasies, but after 25 years she is still too shy).


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## Bruticus (Dec 18, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> Well that is a good thing then! I asked because if your sex life were lacking, or if she was doing that more than she was doing you, then that would be cause for concern. But it seems like she just may enjoy it for exploring her sexuality or "me" time.


I'm concerned about the type of porn she watches, they are clips i would pass right over and never watch. if that stuff turns her on, then it's sad and disappointing to me.


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## Bruticus (Dec 18, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Here is the thing I would wonder if I was THE MAN.. "is she getting OFF WITH ME?"... many women fake orgasms to please their men.. unfortunate , but true.. many threads here where the wife doesn't seem all that into sex, but he notices her vibrator is being moved on a regular basis.... he is keeping an eye on it..
> 
> Sounds you are having sex in the am often...(this being mentioned in the opening post)....Do you KNOW if she is getting hers???...if not, she may feel left hanging/ a little frustrated and wants to finish the excitement after you leave for work....
> 
> ...


unless it's "that time of the month", when she usually just takes care of me once or twice, I always try to get her off 3 or 4 times before I go. No neglect there.


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## Bruticus (Dec 18, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> This is a really good point. A lot of women don't know how to bring this up without hurt feelings, and many men don't realize their wife is faking. This site has had quite a few guys with LD drive wives who seem to think their wife has multiple o's when they do have sex..... highly unlikely for a woman with multiple o ability to refusee sex.
> 
> OP, are ya sure she's getting off with you? How do you know? If she wasn't how would you know?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


well there's many signs that I have indeed gotten her off, the most obvious one being how wet she gets.


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## Bruticus (Dec 18, 2014)

Lila said:


> Okay, so I'm going to ask because I couldn't really get over it..... What the heck is "incest" porn?


you know, father with daughter, mother with son, etc. crap that i would never click on but for some reason she finds it erotic


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## Bruticus (Dec 18, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> So if you think sex is happening soon you need porn? Your wife isn't enough? I'm not trying to be difficult, just trying get you to think about it.
> 
> The not having it in a while thing I can understand, except that you said you have sex often.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


no. just once in a while. if she's getting in late or she's in the shower, occasionally i'll watch it for a little bit. not all the time, and i don't need it.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Bruticus said:


> No. the implication is that if I wasn't married, if I were free to do as I please, then the porn I watch would be reflective of the kind of sex I would like to be having. I assume for women it's totally different?


It's well documented that plenty of women have rape fantasies too. Very few of them actually want to be raped in real life.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

The list of men here who wish his wife was sexual enough to watch a little porn, either to self-please or as a libido enhancer, is long and distinguished. 

I suggest that you adjust your thinking on this unless it starts interfering with your sex life. You could have a wife who rarely thinks about sex, and I assure you that's a much harder problem to come to terms with.


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## Bruticus (Dec 18, 2014)

the guy said:


> I wouldn't worry....unless she starts watching a lot of pegging porn.
> 
> Then I suggest you run!


i have no idea what that is. please explain, if possible. (i hope i don't regret that request. lol)


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Bruticus said:


> i have no idea what that is. please explain, if possible. (i hope i don't regret that request. lol)


What's your gut reaction to the word "strap-on"?


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## Bruticus (Dec 18, 2014)

Cletus said:


> The list of men here who wish his wife was sexual enough to watch a little porn, either to self-please or as a libido enhancer, is long and distinguished.
> 
> I suggest that you adjust your thinking on this unless it starts interfering with your sex life. You could have a wife who rarely thinks about sex, and I assure you that's a much harder problem to come to terms with.


at one time, i would have definitely agreed. and i still do, but my assurredness has somewhat diminished. not just because of what's in this thread, by the way. but there may also be something to the old saying "careful what you wish for". again, watching porn is one thing, watching the kind she watches could be something else.


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## Bruticus (Dec 18, 2014)

Cletus said:


> What's your gut reaction to the word "strap-on"?


my gut reaction is run like hell!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Bruticus said:


> unless it's "that time of the month", when she usually just takes care of me once or twice, I always try to get her off 3 or 4 times before I go. No neglect there.


Ok.. we have established she is a Nympho then.. isn't this something to celebrate? as far as fantasies.. there are some weird ones out there...google fetishes - oh my!....I rented a DVD on this once.. it's healthy for us to have them...and ours are not all the same.. it even enhances our sex lives.. I really find it odd though, with her being THIS SEXUAL.. wanting it all the time, all those orgasms.. she is shy about speaking of her fantasies.. don't get that.. 

If you have shown judgement here in the past in any way, you might have shut her down, I didn't read every post but I got that impression... 

I have an idea....Buy a SEX GAME like this...(Review here). Kinky World » Discover Your Lover Adult Board Game  ....using these cards ....has "tasks"...."Passionate"..."intimate"...also question cards..one I pulled was asking about our fantasies during a game... it really OPENS up the sex dialog..while you both learn more about each other...the game is like the ice breaker ....


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

I still don't get it ,

what disturb you when your wife is so sexual.

she is georgous ,

please her .

5 times a day .


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Just weighing in: I'm a woman and I watch porn 2 or 3 times a week. Not all of it is necessarily something I'd want to act out (but most of it). 

I think she can be watching it and not necessarily want to do it. HOWEVER, 2 guys on one girl, I watch that stuff a lot and I would like to do it in real life if my partner were okay with it. If he weren't, and we had a satisfying sex life otherwise, I'd be okay too.

I think porn can be a good thing for your sex life in general as it revs you up. So not necessarily something you should worry about.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
Maybe its because (like many people here) I've been in long term HD/LD relationship that I would be very happy to discover my wife had a kinky side and a strong interest in sex.

I'd much rather come home to find her wearing a strap-on and carrying a riding crop, then to come home once again to "I'm tired, I didn't sleep well" (which is her indication that there is no intimacy tonight). Pretty much any sexual suggestion would be preferable to none at all.

Maybe people just can't be happy. Its too difficult to realize how lucky we are because we imagine other people have it better.


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## Bruticus (Dec 18, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Ok.. we have established she is a Nympho then.. isn't this something to celebrate? as far as fantasies.. there are some weird ones out there...google fetishes - oh my!....I rented a DVD on this once.. it's healthy for us to have them...and ours are not all the same.. it even enhances our sex lives.. I really find it odd though, with her being THIS SEXUAL.. wanting it all the time, all those orgasms.. she is shy about speaking of her fantasies.. don't get that..
> 
> If you have shown judgement here in the past in any way, you might have shut her down, I didn't read every post but I got that impression...
> 
> I have an idea....Buy a SEX GAME like this...(Review here). Kinky World » Discover Your Lover Adult Board Game  ....using these cards ....has "tasks"...."Passionate"..."intimate"...also question cards..one I pulled was asking about our fantasies during a game... it really OPENS up the sex dialog..while you both learn more about each other...the game is like the ice breaker ....


it is something to celebrate, as long as i remain the only man to touch her. if not, then it's a curse.

interesting looking game, think i'm going to get it for real. thanks.


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## Bruticus (Dec 18, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening all
> Maybe its because (like many people here) I've been in long term HD/LD relationship that I would be very happy to discover my wife had a kinky side and a strong interest in sex.
> 
> I'd much rather come home to find her wearing a strap-on and carrying a riding crop, then to come home once again to "I'm tired, I didn't sleep well" (which is her indication that there is no intimacy tonight). Pretty much any sexual suggestion would be preferable to none at all.
> ...


again, as long as i'm the only man who gets her, and she's not tormented by that, then it's great news. but i bet prudes are a lot less likely to stray....


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It's the quiet ones that are the biggest freaks!


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Bruticus said:


> well, with kids in the house and the house not being all that big, I can't really have a fetish room, you know. but I may try to ante up somehow anyway. Sorry about what happened to you dude.


Is a room necessary? Not at all. Some silk ties to tie to the bedposts, a silk scarf for a blindfold and a unintimidating flogger and you are off to the races. It is not that hard to be a bit creative and she will love you for it if she is already asking for it.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It looks like you are concerned about the kind of porn she is looking at, and you mention two types plus the book.
Now you gotta figure out if she wants to take control or be controlled.

The way I read it it could go either way. But the fact is she is rubbing one out to some kind of dom/sub factor to the porn she watches.

Have fun figuring out what gets her off more, with out asking


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

Bruticus said:


> you know, father with daughter, mother with son, etc. crap that i would never click on but for some reason she finds it erotic


WHy she finds it erotic is because it is forbidden. IT is taboo. It is "naughty", wrong, etc.etc.

And you have to be very careful about your judgemental tone from a few posts ago. That kind of attitude is going to shut her down and she will never talk to you about her fantasies.

I find nothing wrong at all with your wife's fantasies. She wants to role play, she does not want to actually do these things in reality.

Now, about the BDSM...

this is actually something which you can do very easily. You don't have to go all out with the ropes and the whips. What she is seeking is a more assertive you.

Sometimes when my wife and i are making love I take both her wrists in one hand ( she is petite) And I hold them up above her head against the head board. This is when i am on top. I pin them right to the mattress. Or if she is on top I will grab both of her arms and hold her to me. I will restrict her movement a little. These simple things show her who is the dominate one in our relationship.

Start out simple and see where it goes.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

sparkyjim said:


> Now, about the BDSM...
> 
> this is actually something which you can do very easily. You don't have to go all out with the ropes and the whips. What she is seeking is a more assertive you.
> 
> .


Are you sure?
She may want to hold your wrist down!

All's I'm say is play with it and see what floats her boat more.

But at the end of the day you should always be the man of the house so throw her a bone once in while but push comes to shove I highly recommend you finish on top.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

the guy said:


> Are you sure?
> She may want to hold your wrist down!
> 
> All's I'm say is play with it and see what floats her boat more.
> ...


Heh heh, he said throw her a bone.


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

Bruticus said:


> again, as long as i'm the only man who gets her, and she's not tormented by that, then it's great news. but i bet prudes are a lot less likely to stray....


It is your job to make her satisfied to keep her .

And be sure that if you make her feel that her desires are weired or you tell her something like ; hmm I will do it for you if you promise me you wont try it with another man ; be sure in this case , you will shut her down forever and pray to god that she gives you vanilla....


Brcutis ; I might be harsh in my comments , but to tell you the truth I felt u are thinking selfish in some of your posts ....


A women Is a wonderful smart and lovely creature who can make you content or miserable without even saying a word...

If your wife is a normal person , don't change her , anybody can have fantasies , if you don't u copuld be normal or not , and if you do you could be normal or not .

Enjoy man , follow the rythm !


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I think I'd would talk to your wife. I am female and personally not into porn and I recently would not be watching men have sex with other men. I would be concerned too if you think she wants to incorporate this into your marriage. My first husband liked to read forum stories from porn mags and then try to incorporate that fantasy into our bedroom life. I was not comfortable with it and did not want any part of it.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Bruticus said:


> again, as long as i'm the only man who gets her, and she's not tormented by that, then it's great news. but i bet prudes are a lot less likely to stray....


Only if their man is funny about satisfying her or makes her sexual desires out to be perverse. You have no problem, you are just making one up.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

This entire thread reads like a multimillionaire complaining about the price of gas.


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

If my wife would do sex if I share BDSM ; I will even bark ;
this guy is in heaven and doesn't know it ...

She just wants some more intimacy man ; go for it ...


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Bruticus said:


> again, as long as i'm the only man who gets her, and she's not tormented by that, then it's great news. but i bet prudes are a lot less likely to stray....


Well men who can't get it up are unlikely to stray as well.....but somehow none of us want that


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## Bruticus (Dec 18, 2014)

Zouz said:


> If my wife would do sex if I share BDSM ; I will even bark ;
> this guy is in heaven and doesn't know it ...
> 
> She just wants some more intimacy man ; go for it ...


perhaps I was initially over worried. but imagine if you can, while you're away your wife is getting off to the kind of porn that you might find most disturbing of all. I will say that it has nothing to do with animals, children or bowel movements, and I have somewhat held back in my explanation of the details of the porn she was watching because I don't feel comfortable explaining them, or even thinking about it. now, am I still so lucky?


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

I understand, but there are plenty of men on this forum with real problems.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

OP I'm with you...I would take issue to my wife getting off on cuckold porn and daddy/daughter porn too. Or is it brother/sister? Mother/son? Do you have any sons? She have brothers? Any other possible signs of sexual molestation in her history as a child or teen by brother/father/uncle?


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## Bruticus (Dec 18, 2014)

Divinely Favored said:


> OP I'm with you...I would take issue to my wife getting off on cuckold porn and daddy/daughter porn too. Or is it brother/sister? Mother/son? Do you have any sons? She have brothers? Any other possible signs of sexual molestation in her history as a child or teen by brother/father/uncle?


No. To be honest, incest porn isn't really a problem. I did find her reading pornographic literature about incest several years ago, but that's old news. My problem is with one specific type of porn she has recently been viewing. I just kind of threw that incest porn part in because I was afraid that if I mentioned only one type of porn, people might ask for a more detailed explanation of it, which as I said I am not comfortable talking or thinking about it. it does have to do with that cuckold crap, but it goes further.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Like humiliation ?


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## Bruticus (Dec 18, 2014)

warlock07 said:


> Like humiliation ?


yes


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Bruticus said:


> yes


Forced bi-sexuality in there?


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## Bruticus (Dec 18, 2014)

Nucking Futs said:


> Forced bi-sexuality in there?


not that I saw, but I couldn't watch the whole thing either. made me want to vomit.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Brut,
As usual there are differing viewpoints on what is the correct course of action. My opinion is that, in a marriage, there shouldn't be secrets. I firmly believe that communication and openness are key to any successful long term relationship. Once the "secrets" start, they usually grow in number and before long the damage becomes evident.

You have mentioned that if you talk to your wife about this then she will be even more secretive, this I would find troubling. Also, if your wife is not comfortable discussing her activities with you then I would find that even more troubling. 

What is the acceptable amount of covert activity allowable in a marriage? I would answer that the amount should be none. Why would there need to be clandestine activity between two people who have agreed to share life together? If you approach your wife and tell her that you found, through her browsing history, that she was engaged in this routine and she became defensive or accusatory then, again, I would find that very troubling.

I feel that the life of a H/W should be an open book to their spouse and that there should be no reason to feel guilt or become defensive at your spouse's inquiry. If you're doing something that you would not want your spouse to find out about then there is a problem. And, if your spouse does find out and you are unwilling to discuss it so as to calm their angst then again, there is a problem.

So, you can let it go on and fester in your mind or you can approach your wife and ask for an explanation to ease your concerns. If she offers an explanation of why this is necessary and what her intentions are in an open and honest dialog then she can continue her "activities" and you can rest easy with an understanding of why this is happening. If however, she becomes defensive and even more secretive then you have a bigger problem than porn I'm afraid. Good luck to you.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

Bruticus said:


> perhaps I was initially over worried. but imagine if you can, while you're away your wife is getting off to the kind of porn that you might find most disturbing of all. I will say that* it has nothing to do with animals, children or bowel movements*, and *I have somewhat held back in my explanation of the details of the porn she was watching* because I don't feel comfortable explaining them, or even thinking about it. now, am I still so lucky?


well you've lost me with what its to do with now?


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## Bruticus (Dec 18, 2014)

NoChoice said:


> Brut,
> As usual there are differing viewpoints on what is the correct course of action. My opinion is that, in a marriage, there shouldn't be secrets. I firmly believe that communication and openness are key to any successful long term relationship. Once the "secrets" start, they usually grow in number and before long the damage becomes evident.
> 
> You have mentioned that if you talk to your wife about this then she will be even more secretive, this I would find troubling. Also, if your wife is not comfortable discussing her activities with you then I would find that even more troubling.
> ...


good post. I think I agree with all that, although it's possible I could be persuaded on something. I think my wife might find it more necessary to have a private side or personal side than I do. I want her to know me as well as possible, and I want to know her as well as possible, but I'm not sure she feels the same way. we've been married 12 and a half years and there are still times that I feel she's a stranger to me, like "who am I married to?". I on the other hand love talking with her and sharing opinions on anything you could think of. 

is this just "different strokes for different folks" or is there something I need to be worried about here?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Do you fear that her fantasies might overlap into the real world ?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
I agree that marriage should avoid secrets, but some people have fantasies that their partners can't tolerate.

Many people have "extreme" fantasies - rape, incest, bestiality etc. Most of them would never want to act on those fantasies. Unfortunately people who don't have extreme fantasies may not be able to understand this.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Bruticus said:


> good post. I think I agree with all that, although it's possible I could be persuaded on something. I think my wife might find it more necessary to have a private side or personal side than I do. I want her to know me as well as possible, and I want to know her as well as possible, but I'm not sure she feels the same way. we've been married 12 and a half years and there are still times that I feel she's a stranger to me, like "who am I married to?". I on the other hand love talking with her and sharing opinions on anything you could think of.
> 
> is this just "different strokes for different folks" or is there something I need to be worried about here?


Brut,
As I stated previously, an ideal marriage is a blending of two hearts into one wherein both people gain strength and support from the other making them stronger together than they could be alone. How much blending is enough or acceptable? My opinion is that a total blending makes the strongest marriage.

Holding back to one's self weakens the union allowing one sided circumstances to creep in and without the total unity of the blended pair, the strength to fend off these incursions is lessened. Simply put, united we stand, divided we fall. Were it me in your situation, I would be quite concerned if my wife "held back" and needed "private time" to herself that I was excluded from knowing about. Time alone to gather thoughts or contemplate life or even just relax in a bubble bath is not what I am referring to but rather doing this, or any other activity, without your spouse even having knowledge of your intent, that I see as problematic.

To what end is this need for privacy? If she explained to you that she needs this time to unwind or recharge and the porn facilitates a sexual release that she needs then so be it, then you know the motive and can discuss whether or not you are comfortable with this and, if not, giving you opportunity to offer possible alternative activities to accomplish the same goal while including you in the mix. Now however you are in the dark and your mind is guessing what the motive could be and that causes problems.

Open and honest communication is crucial in marriage. No secrets, nothing hidden, just two people completely sold out to one another.

If my wife wanted to hold back from me and not be all in, I would be extremely bothered by that. It creates suspicion and mistrust and I just don't see how it's worth it.


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## Bruticus (Dec 18, 2014)

warlock07 said:


> Do you fear that her fantasies might overlap into the real world ?


sure, although I think it's unlikely. I mean, I know I'm not participating in that garbage. but even if they are just fantasies, are we not allowed to be troubled by what our spouses fantasize about?


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## Bruticus (Dec 18, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening all
> I agree that marriage should avoid secrets, but some people have fantasies that their partners can't tolerate.
> 
> Many people have "extreme" fantasies - rape, incest, bestiality etc. Most of them would never want to act on those fantasies. Unfortunately people who don't have extreme fantasies may not be able to understand this.


I certainly hope that's true about many people having fantasies that they would never want to act on. I don't understand this, as the fantasies I have are ones I would like to act on, and stuff I have no desire to do is stuff I never fantasize about.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Bruticus said:


> sure, although I think it's unlikely. I mean, *I'm not knowingly participating in that garbage.* but even if they are just fantasies, are we not allowed to be troubled by what our spouses fantasize about?


Fify.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Bruticus said:


> sure, although I think it's unlikely. I mean, I know I'm not participating in that garbage. but even if they are just fantasies, are we not allowed to be troubled by what our spouses fantasize about?


You're "allowed" to be troubled by anything you find troublesome. Only you can decide if this is a hill worth dying on. For me, it doesn't come even close. YMMV.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Bruticus said:


> sure, although I think it's unlikely. I mean, I know I'm not participating in that garbage. but even if they are just fantasies, are we not allowed to be troubled by what our spouses fantasize about?


Sure, you are allowed to be troubled by it. But she still has the right to her own thoughts, fantasies, and sexuality.

There are forms of porn I have enjoyed but have zero desire to act out myself. My wife might be offended by it. She might be offended that I find college aged women sexually interesting, especially given we have 2 daughters in that age range. In real life I would be creeped out myself with approaching a woman that age for sex!

None of the porn I've seen makes me not desire my wife or threaten my marriage.

I think your wife is exploring or expressing her hidden side with this porn, and as long as it does not become an addiction or escalate to her wanting to act it out, it is meaningless. I'd bet her tastes are fairly common amongst women.

If you have access to EAP at work (Employee Assistance Program) you can get free and totally confidential access to a therapist. I would suggest a sex therapist or a marriage therapist with a specialty in sex issues. This person could help you understand from a much more knowledgeable position than we can. You've got a bit of a crisis going on about this, which is exactly why EAP is there.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

I am still struck by how indulged you must be if this is your biggest issue and I write as a man with unusually non-wild taste and little interested in porn. 

Perhaps it is incest or something similar? Hard core domination? It is quite possible the erotic of the taboo. Also, it does not seem that she should feel able to talk to you about it.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

You cannot control the thoughts of anyone. I am sure that we all have fantasies that we would not act on. 

The issue being discussed here is whether she should share them with you or not. There will be fantasies that may be a taboo subject for many and the fantasiser would prefer to not discuss with anyone while there will be others that they can share with their spouse/other half and would enjoy doing so (again, not necessarily acting on them).

The dark/taboo fantasises (for her) maybe what you stumbled on (although I have seen darker - these are not as dark and quite common I think for many women). If you find them stimulating, then discuss with her unprompted. If not, then stay out of her diary.


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

I don't want be the black sheep ; but the fact that she is hiding desires and fantasies by itself is problematic ...

I agree with no choice that the issue is not really that she is watching porn and fantasize about BDSM ; It is also because she is hiding it from you ...

Meaning that it won't be a big deal if you knew about it ....

One day i opened a thread about MB and asked if it is cheating ; what I wanted to say that the fact that I am Doing MB without sharing it with partner is an issue by itself ....

I am not sure , but along with age our tolerance minimize
and Gray colors disappear from our color dictionary .

My opinion : Leave it this time , and get closer to your wife ;then test the water after a long period ...
if at that time she is still hiding fantasies , you would have an issue bigger than watching Porn ....


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Bruticus
there seems to be a big split on this. Some people have a wide range of extreme fantasies that they would never act on, others only fantasize about things they would actually want. This causes all sorts of confusion.




QUOTE=Bruticus;11307970]I certainly hope that's true about many people having fantasies that they would never want to act on. I don't understand this, as the fantasies I have are ones I would like to act on, and stuff I have no desire to do is stuff I never fantasize about.[/QUOTE]


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## Bruticus (Dec 18, 2014)

all great replies, thank you. richardsharpe is right, there is certainly a big split on this issue, although i appear to be by myself as far as people who only fantasize about things that would be "actually fun to do". frankly, i wish i fell into the category of those who thought it was no big deal, and hopefully i'll find myself there one day. but the stuff that's messing with my head i can't just make magically go away. 

but i believe there could be a larger underlying issue than just porn here. my wife has been secretive about things in the past. she's very non-confrontational and frequently prefers not to share her opinions. when i do get her to have an in depth discussion with me about something that's troubling me, sometimes i get the feeling that she will say whatever she thinks she has to to patch the hole and get the conversation over with. i can't tell if she cares at all about really wanting to put my mind at ease. she says the right things, but sometimes i have trouble believing them and think she's only saying them because it's the fastest path to whatever lies beyond our conversation.

i don't believe i know her as well as i would like to, and i fear it could ultimately lead to something terrible in the future. if that day ever comes, i would want it to happen tomorrow so that i can get on with the rest of my life while i've got a maximum amount of it left. sometimes it feels like death by a thousand cuts. and because i don't know her mind as intimately as i desire, i have no idea what her porn viewing habits mean, but there's certainly a possibility that it means something bad. 

i actually like the idea of therapy or counseling and would eagerly go as soon as possible, i just get the feeling that she might view the whole thing as a nuisance.

anybody else feel like you don't know your spouse as well as you would like to?


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Most assuredly. I long for conversation and my wife is the opposite. I would give much more than one cent to peak into her mind. It may unravel some mysteries and answer some questions but, alas, try as I might she just doesn't open up. Sometimes I really believe that I am looking for more depth than may actually exist and that too is troubling.

For what's it's worth I am like you in the regard that I do not understand why anyone would fantasize about something they can never do. I see no logical reason to fantasize, much less about something you can never experience.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I don't know what kind of porn you like but if your wife finds any of it disturbing does that mean you'll automatically stop watching it and thinking about it? Most guys like girl on girl, but if your wife finds it disgusting will you stop? Do you not see how on one hand you're lamenting that your wife doesn't share her fantasies and on the other hand harshly judging her for them? Does she get to equally judge your porn preferences?


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Bruticus said:


> good post. I think I agree with all that, although it's possible I could be persuaded on something. I think my wife might find it more necessary to have a private side or personal side than I do. I want her to know me as well as possible, and I want to know her as well as possible, but I'm not sure she feels the same way. we've been married 12 and a half years and there are still times that I feel she's a stranger to me, like "who am I married to?". I on the other hand love talking with her and sharing opinions on anything you could think of.
> 
> is this just "different strokes for different folks" or is there something I need to be worried about here?


Ever talk to her about porn? Could you talk to her about you watching porn and how she might react?

And have you ever responded to any of her hints about what she might like?


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## CluelessWif (Jun 20, 2014)

Women like porn to.

In addition, some women like to have sex in the morning, even if they had sex the night before.

It can be all sorts of things, and is topically indicative of a healthy sex drive. Ever since I turned 30 I have gotten randomly turned on at various points for no reason at all. It is not always convenient to actually have sex, but the auroral is distracting. And I watch porn that I have absolutely no desire to participate in.

If my husband had this conversation with me I would feel betrayed and shamed. If she decides to masterbate in the morning when the house is empty, what is it to you? You need to be honest with yourself here. Are you actually concerned that you don't know her, or upset that there is a part of her sexuality that she has decided not to share with you? 

She has the right to her privacy, as well as sexually autonomy. You didn't find evidence of cheating or an affair, not even evidence that she is considering it. That is the point where your snooping turns into invasion of privacy.


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## Bruticus (Dec 18, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> I don't know what kind of porn you like but if your wife finds any of it disturbing does that mean you'll automatically stop watching it and thinking about it? Most guys like girl on girl, but if your wife finds it disgusting will you stop? Do you not see how on one hand you're lamenting that your wife doesn't share her fantasies and on the other hand harshly judging her for them? Does she get to equally judge your porn preferences?


would i stop watching it? yeah, i think so. if it really bothered her. would i stop thinking about it? probably not, don't know if that's possible. i want my wife to share her fantasies, and everything, with me. if i think something needs to be "judged" or whatever, i'm going to say something. i'm not a fan of keeping things bottled up inside when it comes to spouses.

yes, she gets to equally judge my porn preferences. i want her to say whatever is on her mind.


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## Bruticus (Dec 18, 2014)

CluelessWif said:


> Women like porn to.
> 
> In addition, some women like to have sex in the morning, even if they had sex the night before.
> 
> ...


many people have said they like to watch porn that they have no desire to participate in. again, i don't understand it but it does give me hope, because i certainly hope my wife has no desire to really participate in the kind of porn that i have referenced. 

betrayed and shamed? get over yourself. if you stumbled upon the knowledge that your husband liked to get off to porn where, for instance, people liked to crap on other people, or perhaps where wives were utterly shamed, i'm gonna guess that you would want to have a conversation with him and that you would be, at least temporarily, concerned.


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## Bruticus (Dec 18, 2014)

sidney2718 said:


> Ever talk to her about porn? Could you talk to her about you watching porn and how she might react?
> 
> And have you ever responded to any of her hints about what she might like?


i'll say this, we did just recently have "the talk". i knew it would happen soon, because i tend to not be able to let stuff fester for very long and simply have to say what's on my mind. in typical fashion, she said the things that i hoped to hear and i found myself breathing sighs of relief, and i believe her. right now, we are in a better place than we have been for quite a while.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
One reason to try to be as accepting as possible of someones fantasies is that failing to do so may tempt them into finding some other confidant. People want acceptance - and if they can't get it one place it is very tempting to try to find it in another.


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## Bruticus (Dec 18, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> One reason to try to be as accepting as possible of someones fantasies is that failing to do so may tempt them into finding some other confidant. People want acceptance - and if they can't get it one place it is very tempting to try to find it in another.


yeah, the thought had occurred to me. my original concern was to find out if there was any "deeper meaning" to these potential fantasies. but my wife's words, and those of some posters, have put me at ease.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Glad to hear it B. Hope it continues for you my friend. Best of luck.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

Bruticus said:


> i don't believe i know her as well as i would like to, and i fear it could ultimately lead to something terrible in the future. if that day ever comes, i would want it to happen tomorrow so that i can get on with the rest of my life while i've got a maximum amount of it left. sometimes it feels like death by a thousand cuts. and because i don't know her mind as intimately as i desire


Have you considered starting a journal where you can share all of your deepest thoughts and feelings? A journal that she can have access to and even write what she is fully experiencing without fear of being punished. Would that be something that could help bring the two of you closer?


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## Bruticus (Dec 18, 2014)

chaos said:


> Have you considered starting a journal where you can share all of your deepest thoughts and feelings? A journal that she can have access to and even write what she is fully experiencing without fear of being punished. Would that be something that could help bring the two of you closer?


no, havn't thought of it. like i said, i think we're in a good place right now and hopefully there will be no need for anything like that. but i'll stash the suggestion away and if i feel there's a time in the future where i think that could be beneficial, i'll break it out. thanks.


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