# Why is it he almost always stays with the wife as oppose to the OW?



## stupidme (Nov 15, 2009)

I read from another forum regarding the OW. They always say they and the Hs always have passion, love, affection, sex, deep emotions to the heart conversations, one heart, soulmates and yet, the Hs almost always go back to the wives, beg for forgiveness & break off with the OW. Does anyone know how the brain of a man works?

From my H's confession, he said he would have both of us if he could. He knew from day one that this happiness would not last and I believe he dragged it on till he could not hide it any longer, then he broke off with her. Many a times, I pushed him towards her, told him if he confided to her everything about his life, us, our financial situations, that he believes they knew it other inside out, then he & she must be soulmates, I told him I believe he would be much happier with her, then we should divorce and he should be with her. & Yet, he begged for forgiveness over & over again, wanting a second chance, saying he loves me, but he also loves the OW. The kids are not taken into this equation because for the H's point of view, most of their friends' parents are divorced and they are grown, they would not be much effected by our divorce had we choosen this path, this is about us.

I'm curious, why is he choosing the stressful path of the relationship by staying with me and trying to work out our marriage instead of having the easy way out, going with the OW, where their relationship is almost perfect? And I'm sure lots of OW have asked this question as well, why is he not with me when I gave him everything and we got everything that a perfect relationship should have and yet, he went back to this unhappy relationship with his wife?

FYI, he said I should be happy since I'm the winner. Honestly, I'm not happy because I don't see myself as the winner, I see myself as the loser. I lost because he had an affair with her, still loves her & will always have her on his mind. As a result, I refuse to wear my wedding band till the day he is completely over her, which could be forever. And yes, we are working on our marriage but like everyone said, we can forgive but not forget.


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## Following myGut (Nov 23, 2009)

Maybe the question that we should be asking is why does the wife almost always take the cheating H back?


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Or the better question would really be, Why did you, Stupidme, take him back when it really sounds like you want the divorce?


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## beni (Nov 23, 2009)

i wonder why dont you guys read the story from the cheaters to answer your questions. well i'm a cheater wife and i will tell you how i feel between my husband Fred and the other guy Ben. i like Ben and i love the excitements in sex with him, and its very comfortable to talk with him about everything, but i always know it not gonna last, it can never work to be in a relationship with him. and i still always love my husband Fred, the only thing keep me seeing Ben again and again just are the exciting feelings in bed, which is very different with marriage' sex. but then when i have to make a choice, of course i have chose my husband, because we love each other so much and we have a perfect life together, i would not distroy it for a man that i know it wont work. and since i made the decision, i really need my husband's help to recover the pain and to get this guy out of my mind. well i didnt have the damn gut to tell Fred about my affair, but he is really the huge role to help me out of this trouble, to be in his arms and show me his love would make me feel safe and try to stop thinking about Ben. it was just 1 week since im stop seeing Ben, so it still new though, but i really feel much better each day now and i really believe i can get Ben out of my mind 1 day soon, just need some more time, just need to have Fred's love with me always...
so, that might also be your husband's thought since he chose you, because he just know that you are the best for him, so please stop those questions and give him a chance, please help him to get back to your life, because he is trying very hard now to get out of this mess and he need your help 
if you want to read more about my story, its here:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/9392-anyone-here-have-affair-like-me.html

after all, i really hope it can help
cheers


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

stupidme said:


> FYI, he said I should be happy since I'm the winner. Honestly, I'm not happy because I don't see myself as the winner, I see myself as the loser. I lost because he had an affair with her, still loves her & will always have her on his mind. As a result, I refuse to wear my wedding band till the day he is completely over her, which could be forever. And yes, we are working on our marriage but like everyone said, we can forgive but not forget.


First of all, what did you win a cheating husband who is still in love with another woman? You cannot work on your marriage while he loves another even if he loves you too. You took off your wedding band so you know this too. You too have a right to be happy and to have someone who loves you and cherishes that relationship. Ask him to move out or move out yourself. Take the choice away from him and take control back. 

I predict what will happen is he will "fall out of love" with the OW but prepared for this maybe not to happen. In other words move on. 

I was faced with this too, while not admitting to the affair my H said he didn't know if he wanted to be married anymore so I said then move out and see if that's better. His response "I'm afraid to make the wrong choice". I told him by making no choice at all he will forfeit his right to choose. He did that, and I kicked him out. Actually I discovered the affair and that was that. 

Its 15 months later and I brought it up and he said for a time he was infatuated simply because she was different but never in love and it was his own inability to deal with turning 40. He said he almost never thinks of her but if he does its with a lot of shame and anger at himself. So much for love huh? 

We are rebuilding, and yes its possible to forgive but you can't forget. He must make a choice, but its not an ultimatim. This is you being unable to live in limbo forever and deserving better than that. To be the "winner" you will grow as a person and be confident in your decisions and be happy again whether with him, or another.


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## stupidme (Nov 15, 2009)

Sven is so right, see a lawyer and he/she will realize the enormity of the consequences. 4 weeks ago, he confessed and begged for a second chance. Last week, he still said he loved both of us and he choose me, and he's learning to not to miss her.

Well, Monday night, during our fight to release my anger, I told him to get his friend, a lawyer so we can hammer out the divorce. 

Tuesday morning: he was desperate and confessed that the last time he slept with her was 2.5 weeks ago, it was like being betrayed a second time. I told him that morning that I finally realized I could walk out of this marriage without any regrets because of so many hurts. He begged again, cried and cried, saying he finally see the light like in life/death situation and realized that I was the best thing that had happened in his life and he cannot let me go. That he would stop all contacts with the OW completely, that she was not worth the pain in his life. He would do anything, anything to fix up our marriage, change his past ways, the way he had treated me.

Wednesday afternoon: We went to see a marriage counsellor on and there were still so much anger in me, I was lashing out at him all day Tuesday and Wednesday morning. 

Yesterday (Thursday) morning with so much of my anger gone replaced by intense sadness, I realized he gave everything to that OW last year & I got nothing in return. That he was never attracted to me and yet he was so attracted to her that he could not stay away, even slept with her several times after he had begged me to stay 4 weeks ago. Even after we went away on a trip, I told him of my love for him, of my attraction for him, I gave him my everything and he admitted the trip was like another honeymoon. Yet the day after returning from the trip, he went to break off with that OW and ended up sleeping with her again for the last time 2.5 weeks ago. 

I wanted so much to leave the marriage but he said he could not live without me. I told him I would stay to help him to get up on his two feet but I can not deal with intimacy at the moment. He said he will change everything for me. We went again to the marriage counselor in the afternoon and she was astounded by the progress we made, by the change in him, the willingness to promise the world, to try to completely wipe her from his mind because he finally came to terms that she had used him for money, the love he had imagined that she had for him was a great illusion that she had created for him, he finally came out of his sleep.

As of Monday night, we're still sleeping in the same bed but with the big pillow between us so we don't touch each other accidentally, I don't want our kids to suspect anything. He wanted to be intimate but I'm not ready. I know he promised the world yesterday but I cannot bring myself to touch him. He's a very intelligent and convincing person and in his mind, I think he believes we will be intimate very soon. As much as I want to be, I'm held back by his past rejection of me. I know I'm very attractive person but it hurts like hell to finally realize that he was so attracted to her, she was like a drug to him that he could not stay away. He just wants sex because she's not there to provide it for him, just because I'm here, but in reality, he's not attracted to me. I'm sure he will protest to this, that I'm beautiful in his eyes, that he loves me very much and cannot live without me. In a way, I do know that it is true and yet the second betrayal hurt so much that it erases everything that he had recently told me. I want so much to be intimate with him but I cannot. 

As for why I cannot walk away, I know he treated me very badly in the past but now he's in such a mental state, I cannot walk away. I have to be here to help him up, to support him. Had he been a stable and strong person at the moment, yes, I know I would have walked away with no regrets regardless of how much I love him. I would have walked away because of the rejection and hurt he had caused me because I don't ever want to go through that again. So yes, I'm am staying for him, helping him up, trying to work out my situation, trying to cope with my depression.


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## peacefully (Nov 13, 2009)

Sometimes I think that men want to stay because they don't want to look like failures in the marriage. They also have a lot invested in the marriage, and less invested in the OW.

When I found out about my husbands infidelity he told me that he had sex with her "in moments of weakness". That excuse did not make it better for me, it made it worse, it made me feel sick. What kind of a man would do that? What kind of a man would use a person like that? 
Not that I have _sympathy_ for the other women, but they are being USED too by our cheating spouses. That is a disgusting thing to do to another person. It is immoral and cruel and selfish (and who knows what he said to her to get her into bed.. I try not to think about it). It was also disgusting that he lied to me about it. Of course the affair devastated me, but it also involved another person, other people. His actions caused unbelievable amounts of hurt to many people.

I struggle with why on earth would I consider taking him back. He has shown himself to not be a fundamentally good, kind or honest person and he has openly admitted to USING another woman to make him feel better about himself. Because of this, I do not trust or respect him anymore.
However, it doesn't mean I don't love him, which is something that is causing me a great deal of pain and confusion. It also makes me question my ideas of self worth, why would I love such a person?

My husband has tried to (however weakly) reconcile the marriage and I asked him the same thing, why doesn't he go be with her, is she makes him feel so masculine or attractive?
I have yet to receive an answer that makes sense. So, for me, I have to think that the reasons are not wanting to lose, in the eyes of our community, financially, etcetera. I do not believe him and I think that if we were to reconcile, his behavior would surely revert back within a few years.


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