# newbie



## sad little bird (Jun 1, 2012)

Hi all. I’m new here and as the title suggests, I am lost. I guess I should start with a little back ground. My husband and I have been together for 14 yrs, married for 10. We have a 4 yr old son with some developmental delays and a 6 mo old daughter. Things have been going downhill for quite sometime. 

Six years ago H lost his job (well not fired, just not resigned) and he has not been the same since. I’m sure it’s a deep depression that has never gone away, but he refuses to get help. Fast forward to today, he is a stay at home day with the kids (still no job) and hates it. We don’t have enough money for daycare. He says he’s too overwhelmed to even get out of bed in the morning. I find myself to busy worrying about my children while at work that I get very little accomplished during the day. I just obsess about how they are, is my 4 yr old getting the constructive play he needs? Is my daughter being nurtured or just left in her crib? When I ask he says they are fine, but his attitude says otherwise. Then he just gets mad at me for asking and we spiral into another argument. 

Another issue is his resentment towards me. People change and I have had to become a different person. I’m not longer a shy, sweet little skinny 20 yr old. At 30 I suffered major PPD following the birth of our son because I couldn’t stay home with him (he was very sick and I had only 4 weeks off before having to return to work). I blamed H for not having a job so that I could stay home and put on a very thick emotional armor just to get through the day. Zoloft helped, but therapy did not. It got better, then worse, then better again, the worse again. I stopped wearing my wedding ring and dreaded bedtime because I knew he would want some. If I had family or friends near by I would of left a long time ago, but I’m stuck here alone. My only happiness was my son and soon I realized I really wanted another child. 

Selfish? Yes. Stupid? Yes. Am I happy? More than ever….but only with my children. Not their father. 

The thing is we are both to blame. We’ve both f’ed up and know it. Now I’m at a crossroads for what is best for me and my kids. Stay and try to help him, or leave and help ourselves? I just don’t know what to do. 

Sorry for the long thread. Thanks.


----------



## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

I don't think you should hold on to the resentment that you have towards your H over the direction your life has taken. It will only swallow you whole and it will not go away if you do not dislodge it.
Stop thinking he is not doing a good job with the kids. I hated it when my H would come home and give me the 100 questions about how I took care of the kids all day. Just trust him if the kids are feed and clean and alive he is doing something right so give him credit for that at least and tell him so. That will end one fight and give you the ability to do your job with better focus.
Get him to a Dr. if you can for his depression. Put your wedding ring back on for starts. You are married and it seems wrong for you to send that kind of message to your H and others around you. IMO taking your ring off is sending a message and it is clear that there is not communication between the two of you. Are you in IC or MC? if not I think you should go asap esp. because there is not out side support for your self or you H.
I think that it is great that you are claiming responsibility for your actions too but you are blaming him for things that you both did, like having a child with out a plan to give you the time you wished to have at home to care for it. Look in your area for help from social services/ assistance for day care even if it is so H can go to the Dr. or look for a job or get some time away from the kids.
Best of luck.


----------



## jtut21 (Mar 21, 2012)

Focus on the positive aspects of your husband. It is easy to look at all the reasons that a person has faults but as you sincerely find things to be grateful for with your husband even if it is only one thing a day and then have the courage to express that to him it will greatly improve things. People need to feel valued and needed. As you are finding gratitude in him you will begin to see the great things in yourself and become the best partner you can in the relationship. Avoid passing this over because of its simplicity it is extremely powerful.

All the best,

Josh


----------

