# when the sex is good - but still only happens sporadically?



## Jimbob82 (Jun 29, 2012)

Guys, I was just seeing what your thoughts were on the fairly unusual scenario of when you have great sex with your partner, but it still doesn't inspire them to want to do it regularly? For example, 16 days ago me and my wife had great spontaneous sex, where I blindfolded her and masturbated her to orgasm, whilst kissing her neck, breasts, mouth etc. I then went down and performed oral on her until she came again-it is something I enjoy doing and she loves it too! We then ended it by having hard, passionate sex. It was wonderful, and something I'd like to do more often, frankly! Pleasuring her is my main enjoyment. However, however, this was the last time we had sex, 16 days ago! I am at a total loss as to why, i have had my sexual advances rejected about 5-6 times since then. Each time I tried to make it fun, dressed up nice, put aftershave on, and she was really scathing in her rejections, saying I was lecherous, etc. She's not been ill, she's not been on her period, she just plain out doesn't wanna do it! I am pretty frustrated now and not really confident enough to even bother initiating, I think why bother? And just look at porn to get my kicks now. I'm 30, she's 36. Anyone else in a similar boat, where the sex IS great, but such a rarity?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Was she perhaps drinking when you had sex last? Alcohol can defeinately loosen peoples libidos.

I think you need to have a talk with her. AT the very least, get to the bottom of why, as well as get her to stop being nasty in her rejections. Even if she's not in the mood, giving you attitude is not right at all.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

Have you read married Man Sex Life? If not, do so. You can find it here:

Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.

Read the book, not just the blog.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I was there too man, I can barely recall any bad sex with my now ex W, it was always earth-shaking, but was happening less and less frequently. When it got the the point it was maybe every 3rd or 4th month is when it finally broke. We each alternated between being the cooler one in the relationship though she was the higher drive, but I was still healthy at one point in the marriage.

Find a way to make it more frequent, even if it means its not always about mutual orgasm or just her pleasure. That was my biggest fear that caused me to not pursue her enough, fear of disappointing. Just take her for your own pleasure once in awhile. Maybe use the "sandwich" technique. The usual way one night then a more aggressive selfish way the following day and close it with one of the usual way a few nights later.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Well, mix it up, try a quickie every once in a while. 
I like good sex too, but sometimes too much is too much.
I think it's a fallacy that women like loads of foreplay all the time.
Too much manipulation sometimes is just that. 
It all sounds great, but maybe it's overwhelming if that's the way it usually is. Maybe it's just me. My ex was really into manipulation, power and control...so sometimes when we had sex I just wasn't into giving him all that control over my body. It could be a dynamic of some sort. Does she ever get in the driver's seat?


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

You're preaching to the choir. I've been married for over 15 years and we are in our 40s. My wife and I can have great sex but then she acts as if she doesn't even remember cumming 3 times. She'll say something like, 'I don't think about it as much as you do,' or, 'just get out your cream,' so I can get my handjob. 

We can go at it like that on the average of once or twice per month and it will be great. I have realized that she gets more horny right before her period. So maybe this may be a similar situation with you.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Honestly, my wife was like that too. Or should I say, STBXW...

She typically wouldn't allow more than two orgasms for herself, but it sure seemed that the ones she had were good ones. And if there was ANYTHING I could do to make things better for her, she kept them locked in her vault. But eventually, the lockdown on our intimacy was a significant factor in the end of our marriage. It wasn't the ONLY reason, but a significant one.

As it happens, I'm currently in a relationship with a woman who has a sex drive that matches mine almost perfectly. 5 to 7 times a week, everything on the table, the complete package. Will it stay that way forever? I don't know. But I'm sure enjoying it while I can!

C


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## mc1234 (Jun 9, 2012)

Jimbob82 said:


> Guys, I was just seeing what your thoughts were on the fairly unusual scenario of when you have great sex with your partner, but it still doesn't inspire them to want to do it regularly? For example, 16 days ago me and my wife had great spontaneous sex, where I blindfolded her and masturbated her to orgasm, whilst kissing her neck, breasts, mouth etc. I then went down and performed oral on her until she came again-it is something I enjoy doing and she loves it too! We then ended it by having hard, passionate sex. It was wonderful, and something I'd like to do more often, frankly! Pleasuring her is my main enjoyment. However, however, this was the last time we had sex, 16 days ago! I am at a total loss as to why, i have had my sexual advances rejected about 5-6 times since then. Each time I tried to make it fun, dressed up nice, put aftershave on, and she was really scathing in her rejections, saying I was lecherous, etc. She's not been ill, she's not been on her period, she just plain out doesn't wanna do it! I am pretty frustrated now and not really confident enough to even bother initiating, I think why bother? And just look at porn to get my kicks now. I'm 30, she's 36. Anyone else in a similar boat, where the sex IS great, but such a rarity?
> 
> I am in a similar situation, but I am the wife. Despite sexy lingerie, pics to H etc, H rarely initaites or takes things any further. I send him suggestive texts but he doesn't seems to get the hint. When I speak to him about this he says i just pressure him. I have began to withdraw and feel resentful. However, H is very full on with the intimacy such as holding hands, toouching (not sexually though), but this sometimes fustrates me more as I want him when I cuddle up to him :-( He feels once a week is enough and that is because I initiate. When I don't it can go on for weeks without sex. Sometimes I think WTF, here I am trying my best and he was the one who had the EA.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mc1234 (Jun 9, 2012)

It is a myth that only men wants it more :-(
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

PBear said:


> Honestly, my wife was like that too. Or should I say, STBXW...
> 
> She typically wouldn't allow more than two orgasms for herself, but it sure seemed that the ones she had were good ones. And if there was ANYTHING I could do to make things better for her, she kept them locked in her vault. But eventually, the lockdown on our intimacy was a significant factor in the end of our marriage. It wasn't the ONLY reason, but a significant one.
> 
> ...


It kinda makes me a little smug to know the effort I went to to make my ex W cum hard, and to know that in what she seeks she will never find what she had in me unless she decides to go for a nice guy again. And yes I'm that confident in my abilities haha - I was pretty much the perfect sex slave, when she was willing to use me. I'm looking forward to finding some sexy woman who appreciates me for that often.

I've also now had a small taste of the dominant role with someone after the ex left, and I quite like it, so one way or the other I know I'm the one that's always going to be able to find lots of pleasure in this life, she will be stuck having to always compromise on one thing or the other.


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## Jimbob82 (Jun 29, 2012)

Thanks for the responses. I will certainly take a look at that link. There was no alcohol involved - she has kind of given up on alcohol, which is a shame, as we used to drink (just enough to lose our inhibitions) at the weekend, and it often led to some great fun - it made her turbo horny. But even that door has closed in my face now! It kind of feels like a minefield of rejection now..

As regards to talking about it, I agree that is probably the best solution - however, with her the being the way she is (feisty and head-strong), she'd most likely turn it around on me, saying I was too keen - she has already said that she doesn't like it when I constantly 'paw' at her - even though when I do it, i'm really only doing it to show that I find her attractive and enjoy being close to her and pleasing her. She just sees a lecherous man grooping her.

I guess what I'm saying, is it fair for a wife to deliberately withold sex from her husband, for no apparent, valid reason? I see other guys on here in similar situations, but they still say they being satisifed in other ways by their wives (handjobs, BJs) - and I'm not even getting that,it's been YEARS! I am not a 'nice guy' and throw myself into my interests and pursuits, and try not to make a big deal about it - but if i'm honest, I feel extremely frustrated by it all - and it's worse because she KNOWS how much I enjoy it, yet she's doing nothing to offer any glimmer of light, i.e. saying 'i'm not in the mood right now, but give me a few days and we can have some fun' - it's just like a door gets shut in my face every time. At the end of a long day, surely letting off some steam with your wife is the best way to enjoy each other?


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## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

Jimbob82 said:


> She just sees a lecherous man grooping her.


Your marriage is in trouble if this is how she views you. Look for other signs and listen when she talks to see if she is really unhappy in this marriage. It's not normal to feel that way about your spouse.



Jimbob82 said:


> I guess what I'm saying, is it fair for a wife to deliberately withold sex from her husband, for no apparent, valid reason?


No, it is manipulative.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

There usually is a "reason". 
No, it's not fair for a spouse to not tell you what the reason is, sometimes they don't know how to communicate it.

Things like:
Resentment. Not speaking her love language, her not feeling like her needs are met in a way that she feels loved. Leads to thinking that all you want is sex. Leads to feeling like you are being used for sex, and nothing more. 

Medical. Birth control, menopause, etc.

Lack of energy. Not eating right, not getting enough sleep or exercise.

Feeling unappreciated.Which leads to the resentment, and lack of interest in bj's or sex. (why should I do everything around here, and then be expected to take care of his needs to) 

Not sure what your wife feels, but it doesn't sound like it's "silly in love". 

Try reading His Needs Her Needs, doing the Emotional Needs Questionaire together, and reading the Five Love Languages. 
Rule out the resentment over feeling like all you want is sex and she isn't getting her Love Bank filled up.

good luck.


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## Jimbob82 (Jun 29, 2012)

Hi, many thanks for your input, it is greatly appreciated and more importantly, seems absolutely spot on, hitting the nail right on the head!

I mean, I do make little gestures to her that I still find her attractive (she is), things like coming from behind her and putting my arms around her waist and kissing her neck, or stroking her legs and feet when we're on the couch together (which doesn't lead to anything, but is nice) - however, can this be TOO much sometimes? Is this not her 'love language'?

She's a SAHM, with our 18 month old son, and he is 'full-on' - i.e. he cries when she even leaves the couch, and very clingy wit her as he thinks she's going to leave him. Our daughter - 6 - is also a little madam sometimes, and the elder two (13, 15) are good kids, but of course we do get moods from time to time!

For what's it's worth, I work 10 hour shifts, and am out the house 11 hours for 4 weekdays, so she is stuck in with everything, making meals etc, with the baby crying. I do always carry my weight in the house when I AM there though - dishes, washing, tidying, bedsheets, vacuuming, taking the kids to their groups, and so on.

Our bedroom is currently in a mess folowing decorating in other rooms, and only somewhere we sleep. The bed is ancient and horrible, clothes pile up during the week, the carpet is stained with old drinks (it previously was the kids room, lol), we have no TV in there right now (one of our fave things in the past was to go to bed early and watch tv or dvd cuddled up, often leading to fun...) - subconsciously does it kind of figure that this could be a major issue too? As she gets v depressed over a messy house. I will be decorating it and rectifying every aspect of it next month though..

I buy her flowers as an occasional gift if she's down in the dumps, I've bought her jewellery, and even gave up my sporty car, so we could get a 'practical' people carrier car for the kids. I now drive my grandads tiny little car, lol.

I think we both feel unappreciated in our own ways, me for working those long hours for our family, and getting nothing back - and her for taking care of the house and kids - although I do make sure I let her know she's appreciated by me (thanks, chocolate, affectionate contact) Therefore, does it seem feasible that there is toxic resentment from both parties? How do you really get back on track without displaying nice guy tendencies, or pushing her further away? (I have the book ordered from Amazon btw)


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Jimbob82 said:


> Hi, many thanks for your input, it is greatly appreciated and more importantly, seems absolutely spot on, hitting the nail right on the head!
> 
> I mean, I do make little gestures to her that I still find her attractive (she is), things like coming from behind her and putting my arms around her waist and kissing her neck, or stroking her legs and feet when we're on the couch together (which doesn't lead to anything, but is nice) - however, can this be TOO much sometimes? Is this not her 'love language'?
> 
> ...


You constantly show you appreciate her, get no appreciation back, and then wonder what you are doing wrong?

I hear on here often that SAHM's are overworked, tired, blah, blah, blah. I was a SAHD for several years while we followed around my ex-wife's career with two kids, from birth until they were three or so. I know the demands of a SAHP. Yes, it's not easy, but it's not more demanding than a regular job most times either. I've had three jobs since I started going back to work, and some of those were WAY more mentally tough, nevermind physically tough, than being a SAHP. I thought stress was getting up in the morning, preparing meals and changing diapers. I'd take that now over the stresses I have in my job, and I took this job last year so I'd be able to get away from an even more stressful job.

You work 10 hours a day. That's a lot. Do not knock that. And you actually work more than that when you factor in housework you mention you do as well. She has the right to be stressed, I agree, but so do you. Yet here you are, with a healthy sex drive and your wife is fine and dandy going weeks at a time without. Not to mention she gets irritated if you paw at her and likely wouldn't want you to talk about it? WTF?

Communication is the key, always is. You need to man up so to speak and tell her she needs to be willing to openly communicate with you. Sithout that, there's no hope for a good marriage. You also need to back off doing all the nice things for her when it's not being recipricated. I'm not saying being an a-hole, but show her you're not happy with the status quo and things need to change.


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## JoeRockStar (Jun 5, 2012)

Jimbob82 said:


> Anyone else in a similar boat, where the sex IS great, but such a rarity?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep, I'm in the same boat. My wife has the most explosive orgasms I've ever had the pleasure of witnessing if she's in the right frame of mind. I'm talking loud, convulsing, spray across the room, porn star orgasms. My daughter has embarrassed my wife on more than one occasion asking her to try and be a bit more quiet lol.

I asked her once as she was um "recovering" why she doesn't want to do this more often. She looked me dead in the face and said sincerely "I really don't know." :scratchhead:


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## Mishy (Mar 28, 2012)

Jimbob82 said:


> Guys, I was just seeing what your thoughts were on the fairly unusual scenario of when you have great sex with your partner, but it still doesn't inspire them to want to do it regularly? For example, 16 days ago me and my wife had great spontaneous sex, where I blindfolded her and masturbated her to orgasm, whilst kissing her neck, breasts, mouth etc. I then went down and performed oral on her until she came again-it is something I enjoy doing and she loves it too! We then ended it by having hard, passionate sex. It was wonderful, and something I'd like to do more often, frankly! Pleasuring her is my main enjoyment. However, however, this was the last time we had sex, 16 days ago! I am at a total loss as to why, i have had my sexual advances rejected about 5-6 times since then. Each time I tried to make it fun, dressed up nice, put aftershave on, and she was really scathing in her rejections, saying I was lecherous, etc. She's not been ill, she's not been on her period, she just plain out doesn't wanna do it! I am pretty frustrated now and not really confident enough to even bother initiating, I think why bother? And just look at porn to get my kicks now. I'm 30, she's 36. Anyone else in a similar boat, where the sex IS great, but such a rarity?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Same here. She is also 5 years older than me. Somehow sex has become a "burden" for her unless when she is "in the mood", which is normally right before her period. Then there's a window of a couple of days where we can have sex 2-3-4 times and then suddently NOTHING for 2-3 weeks. 
Like you I was High Drive and she was complaining about me groping her, being too passionate etc. We had many talks and some fights about it. She promised, and promised to be better, things to change etc. But nothing changed. So now after months of trying to do my part,I don't even initiate anymore and I kinda lost interest in sex. I don't grope or even touch her.I am more focused on other things (hobbies, interest, friends). It's hard for me to cope with it emotionally because she shows no interest in me unless she's in the mood. And I don't want just sex, I need closeness and affection, which she doesn't give me.
We have lots of fights for silly things and this affect our relationship and hurts me. We had several talks but it's all the same, after a while things are back as before.
I proposed marriage counseling but she refused.


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## Jimbob82 (Jun 29, 2012)

Dude, I feel your pain, it's the most frustrating thing in the world ain't it? I think the worst thing about it is when there is no valid reason for them denying you, I know it's not a 'duty' as such, but in your mind, you're always thinking 'Is it really gonna kill you just to let us have a 10-minute session to relieve some tensions - why do you have to go 15-16+ days between it?" - I always feel really relaxed and content after the deed, and she knows this. Ok, I know there's masturbation as a quick 'pick-me-up', but it's not the same as being with the woman you love! But yeah, I'm with you there, when you just don't even bother initiating anymore as you already know the answer


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

God how pathetic...... Yes I want more sex too and it is he same dance over and over. But if I have to read one more post from a guy stating "It's not the sex. it's the intimacy/closeness that I want"...... I'm going to shove a sharp stick in my eye..... 

Be a god damn man... You want sex and to feel your body rubbing against your partner and the sensation of bringing your wife to a massive orgasm and then haveing one yourself.

Quit being wusses!!!!!!!


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## Jimbob82 (Jun 29, 2012)

Kind of hard when your wife pushes away your every advance.  But you are kinda right, my attitude now is gonna be one of "I don't give a shvt, I'm not begging, pleading or cajoling you - come and get me when you're ready babe!"


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## Mishy (Mar 28, 2012)

Jimbob82 said:


> Dude, I feel your pain, it's the most frustrating thing in the world ain't it? I think the worst thing about it is when there is no valid reason for them denying you, I know it's not a 'duty' as such, but in your mind, you're always thinking 'Is it really gonna kill you just to let us have a 10-minute session to relieve some tensions - why do you have to go 15-16+ days between it?" - I always feel really relaxed and content after the deed, and she knows this. Ok, I know there's masturbation as a quick 'pick-me-up', but it's not the same as being with the woman you love! But yeah, I'm with you there, when you just don't even bother initiating anymore as you already know the answer


Yes It's frustrating. And I have been through many negative feelings during the past months.
Bottom line talking doesn't do much in my case. Action works better but It's slow.
I am more focused on myself now. More selfish if you like. My mood does not depend on hers. I do things because they make me feel good, not because I expect something in "exchange" from her for what I do. My body is in good shape now.

She is slowly noticing the changes I believe and it happened that I turned her down (she has not initiated in months) a couple of times last week because I was busy on a project I was working on.

I decided to give "us" some time to solve this also because we fight a lot about silly things and it does not help the situation.


@ Havesomethingtosay
For me it's both the sex AND the affection that are missing. Sex first but I believe for most men both things are somewhat related.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> God how pathetic...... Yes I want more sex too and it is he same dance over and over. But if I have to read one more post from a guy stating "It's not the sex. it's the intimacy/closeness that I want"...... I'm going to shove a sharp stick in my eye.....
> 
> Be a god damn man... You want sex and to feel your body rubbing against your partner and the sensation of bringing your wife to a massive orgasm and then haveing one yourself.
> 
> Quit being wusses!!!!!!!


Maybe for you, not for me.

Yes, of course the orgasm is a big selling point, and yes there is sometimes where you just want to get laid and feel like a million bucks.

Butfor me, about 95% of the time, it's about the connection. I am not less of a man for this. My fiancee is someone I love very much, much more than I ever loved my ex-wife. It's amazing to feel like this about someone.

For men, we don't express our love the same way women do in general. Women like holding hands, cuddling, kissing, those sorts of actions as a physical display of love. I'm not saying guys don't like those, they do, but not nearly to the same level as women.

Men prefer sex. it's a way to feel secure, a way to feel wanted, desired, and loved, and it's a way for a man to express those emotions as well. Men express many of their emotions physically and are in a physical world. We do more physically demanding jobs, we enjoy more physical movies (such as action flicks) and our sports are largely physical in nature, such as football and hockey. Men enjoy physical shows of emotion, and that continues into the bedroom with sex.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Jimbob82 said:


> Guys, I was just seeing what your thoughts were on the fairly unusual scenario of when you have great sex with your partner, but it still doesn't inspire them to want to do it regularly? For example, 16 days ago me and my wife had great spontaneous sex, where I blindfolded her and masturbated her to orgasm, whilst kissing her neck, breasts, mouth etc. I then went down and performed oral on her until she came again-it is something I enjoy doing and she loves it too! We then ended it by having hard, passionate sex. It was wonderful, and something I'd like to do more often, frankly! Pleasuring her is my main enjoyment. However, however, this was the last time we had sex, 16 days ago! I am at a total loss as to why, i have had my sexual advances rejected about 5-6 times since then. Each time I tried to make it fun, dressed up nice, put aftershave on, and she was really scathing in her rejections, saying I was lecherous, etc. She's not been ill, she's not been on her period, she just plain out doesn't wanna do it! I am pretty frustrated now and not really confident enough to even bother initiating, I think why bother? And just look at porn to get my kicks now. I'm 30, she's 36. Anyone else in a similar boat, where the sex IS great, but such a rarity?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My first thought is that she is ashamed of sex. Maybe the "naughtiness" of your last encounter made that issue worse. Just a gut feeling from past experience.

Another possibility / factor is that she was so satisfied by the last encounter she does not want more. I'm not saying to just get your rocks off and ignore her preferences, but strike a better balance between the two of you. Maybe leave her wanting a little more next time?


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