# Checking In



## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Hello all, last year at this time I was a frequent poster on this forum. I discovered my x's affair with a then mutual friend 7/10/2011. I tried three times to get her to work on our 30 year marriage, on the third attempt she said "thats not something I want to do" with that I sped up the divorce process and it was final in 82 days. I began to take care of myself, lost 65 pounds, cleaned my house of her s***, and I think been getting along pretty good. 
When I discovered her affair, she literally packed two suitcases and WALKED the 5 blocks to the OM's home, where she has been since. Living in a town of 8,000 people it is hard to not run into her, but have not seen her for the last 5 months. During this time she has pretty much removed herself from our three daughters lives (21, 25, 28) and has not seen her 15 month old grandchild since Sept of last year, even tho the ticket to fly there costs $250 round trip and I send her a $1500 check each month, and she lives with the OM with no expenses. Sunday I received a call from my oldest daughter who lives in Florida (I live in Indiana). Seems the x had called and talked with her for over an hour. 15 minutes after they hung up, daughter receives a text that my x and the OM had gotten married the night before in his back yard by a Justice of the Peace! She never even mentioned it during the whole hour conversation! The news caused me some distress, but I am quite proud that it did not send me over the edge. I was upset, but relieved at the same time, as she (the x) had said when the affair originally happened that they were getting married right away, so I have been waiting for the news. 
Dont exactly know why I am posting today, think it started when my niece posted on my daughters FB page, that she was so glad my x had gotten married, that the x is a beautiful person and deserves to be happy, so glad that she is. I so wanted to say a beautiful person doesnt have a year long affair, f**k***g one man while married to another. I so wanted to post a response, but did not. I did however remove my niece and her mother (who is big time supporter of x) as friends. 
Just do be aware that the OM and the x's in this world do live happily ever after. They do stay together, they do move on. I really wonder about the 97% of these relationship fail statistic, not so in my case. Just sayin.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

So are you now off the hook for the $1500/month?

FWIW, my parents divorced due to an affair, and the one that cheated married the AP. It has been a happy 25 yr marriage for them. Other than the infidelity aspects I think all but the BS think things worked out for the better. We kids were all adults of the same age range as your kids when this happened.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

I think you did the right thing in handling the matter. Your focus sounds pretty good IMO.

Good to hear, even if statistics are compromised - but what do you care?


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## Seesaw (Jun 5, 2012)

Keep watching! It will end. One year is nothing.

And spend that $1500 on yourself now.


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## Monroe (Jun 21, 2012)

Hoosier said:


> *Just do be aware that the OM and the x's in this world do live happily ever after. * They do stay together, they do move on. I really wonder about the 97% of these relationship fail statistic, not so in my case. Just sayin.


Just because they got married doesn't mean they are going to live "happily ever after". 

Just sayin'.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Hey Hoosier!
Glad to hear you're forging ahead well. My D was final in Aug of 2011, and just yesterday I noticed that when I have my daughter for the week, I sometimes mention things that her mom and I used to do, or things about her mom, that doesnt cripple me with longing for that old life. Its as if I can talk about it like no big deal, and thats a long way for me.

In my own house now, "Routine" has been reestablished, some sense of a normal life is coming into view. Anymore, the thought of the ex and her new man living in the marital home has little twang to it, but it quickly goes away, and I count my lucky stars I was given an escape route in life from her.

Not hearing from her or seeing her has done a lot of good for me. The kid seems great, and is enjoying her summer so far. Ive had a few friends over already a couple times for some barbeque and brews.

Little clusters of cherry tomatos are forming on my single plant.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

in poker pulling a "three-outer" is around 4% (needing one particular card like any of the 3 kings left)

but I've seen it happen, just because something isn't likely doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

my father and his mistress have been married 17 years now


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Monroe said:


> Just because they got married doesn't mean they are going to live "happily ever after".
> 
> Just sayin'.


Agreed. Looking back, I bent wayyyyyy over to please the missus and it took more than a lot of men would have been willing to take. Of course, they could be dead miserable and yet stay together just to keep from thinking they've fked up severely.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Unfortantely I have to continue to pay the $1500 a month as it is part of the settlement not support. But only for a few more months then a balloon payment and I am done. Cant wait for the POSOM to pay for his P***y on his own. Seeing as how for a year, when ever we went out (the three of us) and we did quite frequently I ALWAYS paid for the meal, never knowing that they were an item... Still makes me feel like a fool, but getting past that as well.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Hoosier said:


> Just do be aware that the OM and the x's in this world do live happily ever after. They do stay together, they do move on. I really wonder about the 97% of these relationship fail statistic, not so in my case. Just sayin.


It's only been a year,so the jury might still be out on the happily ever after,especially when it involves 2 cheaters.You sound reasonably well all things considered.Says alot about a person when they don't make an effort with their children and grandchild.Kinda makes me wonder why the niece loves her so much.I'm a long time away from divorcing my WW and I don't feel the least regret and to tell you the truth I barely,if ever think about her at all,but I imagine it might be different if I lived in a small town like yours.Take care of yourself going forward.What's done is done and you still have a future ahead that holds God only knows what kind of possibilities,and I hope for the most part they are all good ones.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Monroe said:


> Just because they got married doesn't mean they are going to live "happily ever after".
> 
> Just sayin'.


To OP, this is very true. 

I read that a lot of times the cheaters may stay together because they have to prove to themselves that they did the right thing by cheating and choosing each other as life partners. 

However, many times they are both profoundly unhappy. 

They never trust each other, and both may be cheating on each other.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

whether they have a happy marriage or not is immaterial to how your life is going to be man, she's old news, you're the new you, 65 pounds slimmer, a lot happier now and pretty soon you'll be the man about town breaking the hearts of all them sexy chicks.


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## FRANC (Mar 2, 2012)

One of my brothers had an affair while he was married with 2 young daughters. When his wife found out, she kicked him out and he moved into my house for a number of months. 

I asked him what his plans were, did he want to try and fix his marriage, did he want to stay with his AP....he said he didn't know. Hadn't thought it through. But his wife was done with him anyway. 

They had never really talked about the problems they had in the marriage, and he made himself feel better by screwing his neighbor. She and his wife were supposed to be friends...

His wife divorced him (this was his second affair) and after living with me he bought a house with his mistress. They have been married for a long time now but my parents don't believe he is happy. But he left the marriage with very little (wife and kids stayed in the house, she still lives there) and says he doesn't want to go through that again. Neither has he ever been the type to live alone. So he is laying in the crappy bed he made.

Not saying they don't get along but i think he realizes he should have given it a lot more consideration than he did, when he was in the fog.

Plus she is short and has gained a lot of weight so he refuses to go on any beach vacations with her, she doesn't look good in small items of clothing LOL.

Karma.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

FRANC said:


> One of my brothers had an affair while he was married with 2 young daughters. When his wife found out, she kicked him out and he moved into my house for a number of months.
> 
> I asked him what his plans were, did he want to try and fix his marriage, did he want to stay with his AP....he said he didn't know. Hadn't thought it through. But his wife was done with him anyway.
> 
> ...


To OP, I do think typically when two cheaters marry they are unhappy just as in this post above. 

About five years back, my neighbor cheated on his wife, with a much younger woman because his wife had gained some weight and her sex drive was much lower than his. 

He was a doctor and he found some woman 20 years younger that was impressed by his doctor status. 

He left his wife to marry her. Well, she confessed to me that she had been cheating on him because she was angry about the money he spent on the kids he had with his wife. 

Also, she said she was embarrassed to be seen with him because her friends teased her about how he look like an old man. 

In addition, she had gained weight, and was no longer interested in sex with him. 

I talked to the husband once, and he said he so regretted leaving his first wife and breaking up his family. 

It was too late to get his wife back, too. She had met someone else and was by all accounts a happier, slimmer, person.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Hoosier said:


> Just do be aware that the OM and the x's in this world do live happily ever after. They do stay together, they do move on. I really wonder about the 97% of these relationship fail statistic, not so in my case. Just sayin.


I'm guessing this would hold true after you stop making her monthly payments.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

keko said:


> I'm guessing this would hold true after you stop making her monthly payments.


The om sounds like a mooch and i agree after the money stops who knows what will happen water does seek its own level meaning the both are cheats and deserve each other eventually they will start cheating on each other the only thing that changed was the names i believe in this case whereas you have had a time of reflection and healing and know what you want in the future the other saying is cream raises to the top and you are the cream Hoosier good luck my man


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Hoosier said:


> Just do be aware that the OM and the x's in this world do live happily ever after. They do stay together, they do move on. I really wonder about the 97% of these relationship fail statistic, not so in my case. Just sayin.


Like others have said, just because they get married,doesn't mean they're happy or they'll be one of the 3% that make it.

You mentioned before that OM is controlling and clingy, and he didn't want your XW down in Florida when she was there helping your daughter. The fact that your XW has distanced herself from not only you, but her own daughters speaks volumes. It means he's isolating her from everyone. And she thought you were controlling? :rofl:

Glad to see you're moving on and have made a lot of improvements. I've been wondering what happened to you, and I'm glad you updated and things are working out. You're getting closer to indifference about her, and that's a good sign that you're healing. It took me a couple of years to reach indifference about my own XW.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Yep, she's in the lucky 3% that go on to marry. 

Now if you were to count the fact that only 25% of these marriages survive in the long run

She and the OM have about 0.75% chance of making it work.

Ah who cares.


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Hoosier:
You're doing great! Stay the course. Your x wife and x friend are of low character.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Would I still want to be in the place I was before the exwife's affair was revealed? Sitting in the garage with my face in my hands, knowing that she was not worth me. 
This, a realization long before the affair was even a consideration.
Someone who just operated on a whim, I guess. She even told me once she tended to push people away.. How "Dramatic" of her.

I wish I had taken part of her 401k.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Yes, it is part of the $50k I owe her....pay $1500 a month for a year then a balloon of the rest...like $30k. Cant wait to be done, wont be long now.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Hoosier,

How could cheaters, who breathe and live lies, live happily?

Stay for some more time, karma will catch up.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

And what do you suppose will happen after karma does catch up?

Hoosier, you're detaching slowly but surely, and thats the way of it. You'll get to a point one day when you won't give a rat's arse about karma catching up with them and running them over.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> Just do be aware that the OM and the x's in this world do live happily ever after. They do stay together, they do move on. I really wonder about the 97% of these relationship fail statistic, not so in my case. Just sayin.


Sometimes they do most times they don't. Many that stick it out have to or admit they made a colossal mistake. 

As your wife was not in contact with your daughters for so long and had to tell the one via a text that she was married I suspect she is not in paradise, more like shame and embarrassment trying to justify her affair. 

Have no doubt she is having to work extra hard to keep the OM interested in her.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

EZ: She actually texted all three daughters to tell them the news. I think it has "not proud" all over it.
LM: Yes he is controlling. In the last 5 months have had a number of people report to me "sightings" of her. Not ONCE was she seen WITHOUT the OM. And yes she did complain to me that I was to controlling...do you remember everything? lol And the indifference is defenitely coming....six months ago had I been told that they got married I would have been home in bed. Yesterday I just went and worked out instead of eating lunch and was good to go.


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

Time heals


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Hoosier said:


> ...do you remember everything? lol




My long term memory is fairly good, it's my working memory that I have a problem with.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Hi Hoosier:

Glad you are doing better. Time does help heal. I think you said you have your own business -- not sure what kind of business or if it is town. Where I am going with this is could you sell your house and move somewhere else so that you aren't 5 blocks away from exw ? Just a thought !!


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Yeah dude! I want you to spend that next months 1500 bucks on a trip next month! I want you to post a pic of you standing on a beach in the carribean sea wearing surfer shorts and a straw hat holding a margarita with your arm around a hottie in a string bikini. THEN!! Post that on Facebook with a caption that says " Free at last!!"


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

jh52 said:


> Hi Hoosier:
> 
> Glad you are doing better. Time does help heal. I think you said you have your own business -- not sure what kind of business or if it is town. Where I am going with this is could you sell your house and move somewhere else so that you aren't 5 blocks away from exw ? Just a thought !!


:iagree:

Definitely a good idea! It helps lessen the triggers and reminders of the marriage and helps you detach. A change of scenery is always a good thing after this. I know it helped me.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

So how have the other daughters responded to the news?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

With that $1500 free, hire some young stud to seduce your ex-wife.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

She sure seems to have it made, $1500 a month and a balloon payment coming up...and she never worked a day in her life.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> I did however remove my niece and her mother (who is big time supporter of x) as friends.


Is this niece on your side of the family? If she is not, then she isn't your niece. She is nothing to you. You're a free agent now.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Hey! Nice of you to drop in nice to hear your doing okay. I can imagine them getting married would have an effect even after a few years had gone by.

It is as ridiculous as the affair. You might remember I found a Gf quiet quickly and I am still with her. 
There is not a snowflakes chance in hell that we are getting married. It is just plain dumb for two people who have been in long term relationships [10 and 25 in our case] to even consider marriage. No matter what the history. There is just so much to work though.

It is jumping from frying pan to fire and your ExW and the AP bring so much baggage they are going to need a semi each to carry it! Good luck to them. They deserve each other. 
Hoosier. Get out there dude


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Ing: Great to hear from you dude! As for getting out there, I have been dating, only trouble is that 1. So many women, so little time! I literally shut down my Match account as I could not keep up with all the winks and emails...not a joke. Someone told me that I had the three P's... Property, Personality, and Paycheck and I am a good catch. Kinda amazing to me actually. 2. They all seem to want to get serious really fast. One woman I dated until first of March this year. Found out she got married last weekend as well. Whew! dodged that one!

Shoot: My youngest daughter (21) and I have not talked about it yet. She is very upset with her mother and it upsets her to talk about it. As I pay her phone bill I know that she has yet to talk on the phone to her mother more than once a month since this happens and never texts her mother first. And these two were inseperatable prior to the A. My middle daughter told me early on... "Mom has never been happy, you tried to make her happy and you couldnt, Mom will never be happy. Dad, you can do better!" They talk but my daughter said to me last week. "Its like a job to talk to her." My oldest is just PO'd because the OM will not allow my x to fly to Florida to see the grandaughter by herself, and he is not welcome.

Coasta: The niece is my x's side, daughter of her brother. Good kid but just really confused, plus her mother is certifiable. Just made me mad, even tho I know this. 

All: I actually think this might help, as if my x has changed her last name (not sure but think she did) I find it helpful to think Mary Smith was my wife, now this Mary Jones is a different person. Helps with the seperation, as whenever I sent her a check as Mary Smith (my name) it tore me up, and I so wanted her to change her name, even thought of offering her a bonus on the balloon payment if she would (like back to Maiden name) this ceremony might of just saved me some money.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Also, this is the OM's 5th marriage, only one ended with the death of his spouse. I can understand the need for the ceremony, as the vows mean so much to them both. He is so stupid (texted her that she was his "sole mate") I figured at least he wont have trouble remembering the words, as he has said them enough times.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> "sole mate"


Means he likes the same type of shoes... He's gay...


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

The thing with your daughter mirrors my daughters reaction. It is almost scarily similar in fact. She lives with me now and never initiates contact with her Mother. She is polite to her and will attend things when required. 
One day recently I was trying to say that mom was in a bad place right now and was acting out of character. 

To which she replied. And I quote verbatim.

" Dad. You may have to face the fact that she has always been like this, you just didn't see it. "

She is 17.. God help her BF's!

As for dating madness. You might like this short phone conversation I had on the phone after a couple of emails..

" Want to meet for coffee?"

She replies. " I want a relationship"

I tried to lighten it up. "Do you want to try a coffee first?"

" But I want a relationship, not just sex"

"Okay, but do you want to try meeting first and HAVING A COFFEE?"

" I want a man to have a relationship with"

I just went quiet, then I hung up.

Sounds like you are cranking along mate


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> " Dad. You may have to face the fact that she has always been like this, you just didn't see it. "
> 
> She is 17.. God help her BF's!


Indeed, smart girl that. But then again girls are generally better at these emotional things than boys. They train for it all their childhood.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Hoosier said:


> Also, this is the OM's 5th marriage, only one ended with the death of his spouse. I can understand the need for the ceremony, as the vows mean so much to them both. He is so stupid (*texted her that she was his "sole mate"*) I figured at least he wont have trouble remembering the words, as he has said them enough times.


The OM went fishing and caught one.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

5 times married!!! Doesn't that tell you something? Can't get a red flag bigger than that. Even a 5 year old can tell you that. 


Doesn't she have any decent friends?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I have no doubt she regret it with all her heart. Now it's too late she has to stick with "it".


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Hoosier

I am glad you are well.

I caught up on a few of your threads.

Can you make the balloon payment early?

The reason you should do this is she will probably be gone as his 6th wife soon and it would be a shame to have to pay POSOM the balance of the settlement.
:lol:

What a loser the dude is.

And you know what, your girls sound awesome.

Life does get better. Be proof of that!

HM64


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