# Should i divorce my husband?



## Pattiroxxi (May 3, 2014)

Few days ago i discovered my husband was frequenting "massage parlors" that are in reality brothels, and do not offer any legit services. I discovered this when i visited my husband at lunch time while he was missing. When he came back he didn't tell me where he went or what he has been doing. I assumed he would be going for lunch with his co workers, but my instincts were telling me to follow him the day after for some reason. My instincts proved to be accurate when i saw him entering a Asian massage parlor, my heart broke at the same moment. I knew that this was not an legit place but one that practices prostitution. 

I did some heavy research and found out that he was getting naked massages with baths and hand relief. As this is what most customers receive at least. This completely disgusts me, and i wonder if he was doing this for our whole marriage. I confronted him many times, but he refuses to participating in any sexual acts with those ladies. 

This is driving me crazy. I can't stop thinking how he would let a poor woman wash him and touch him naked! this is totally unacceptable and i find it a deal breaker. My mind is bursting with images at the moment. I saw the place myself and it's no where legit, it was 100% a brothel. Other proof i have is that when i called the police to that place they got immediately shut down. There was also some human trafficking going on. This just proves i was right. He still won't admit to anything, i gave him 2 days to think about what he will be doing. I am 70% sure i will divorce him, but i have a 12 months old son. I can support myself but i don't know what the aftermath of all of this will be. All i know is that will never forget this experience. 

What do you think i should do in this situation? I feel awful.


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## ire8179 (Apr 19, 2014)

I think you should get the truth out first before considering divorce or not. He won't admit to anything and keep gaslighting until you get proof. Admitting it would make him the guilty person and WS rarely admit that

This is a harsh fact but maybe you should know, my single male friend visited this kind of place once (that he admitted) and bath +handjob is not the only menu on the buffet


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## Pattiroxxi (May 3, 2014)

ire8179 said:


> I think you should get the truth out first before considering divorce or not. He won't admit to anything and keep gaslighting until you get proof. Admitting it would make him the guilty person and WS rarely admit that
> 
> This is a harsh fact but maybe you should know, my single male friend visited this kind of place once (that he admitted) and bath +handjob is not the only menu on the buffet


Yes i am fully aware of that. These places are worse than brothels in my opinion. I can't imagine what he was doing with those prostitutes. I know one thing, and that is that i will never forget what he has done. It disgusts me if i imagine a woman washing him. But he payed cash so how do i get proof? i saw him going to that place, but i got no idea how to get proof.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Let him know that your doubts are enough. You cannot fully trust him again. 

Go and see a lawyer and serve him. Let him know the only thing you are open to now is the truth, because you can't rebuild on half truths and lies. 

If he continues to justify and lie, walk away, do not get into it with him. 

If he admits all, make an appointment for marital counselling and see what you want to do. Don't feel pressured into anything. It is your life after all, and yes you have a child together, but you don't want to spend your life suspicious of his every move.


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## Pattiroxxi (May 3, 2014)

*LittleDeer* said:


> Let him know that your doubts are enough. You cannot fully trust him again.
> 
> Go and see a lawyer and serve him. Let him know the only thing you are open to now is the truth, because you can't rebuild on half truths and lies.
> 
> ...


I don't think i will get over what he was doing with those women tough. Counseling will require a great deal of effort and energy, currently i am not in a position for that. All i have on my mind is a woman rubbing him all over and bathing him clean. I don't know how to get rid of it. A divorce seems to me as the best punishment for him at the moment, i see how i feel in the following days. I really want to hear the truth.


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## disconnected (May 30, 2013)

Pattiroxxi said:


> I don't think i will get over what he was doing with those women tough. Counseling will require a great deal of effort and energy, currently i am not in a position for that. All i have on my mind is a woman rubbing him all over and bathing him clean. I don't know how to get rid of it. A divorce seems to me as the best punishment for him at the moment, i see how i feel in the following days. *I really want to hear the truth*.


My WH is incapable of telling the truth. 

I hope your husband is truthful with you. But if my WH is anything to go by, then it may be impossible for you to get the truth from your husband.

My WH is SO ARROGANT that he thinks he can lie his way out of any situation.

For example, I asked him if he had been away on any holidays with OW (while I was away from home during June 2013).

WH said that no, he had not been away anywhere at all with OW.

*Unbeknown to him* I have the flight details (to and from the Asian beach resort) dated mid June 2013; withdrawal amounts/date/time/location details of the ATM from where he withdrew funds TWICE; separate photos of WH and OW at the resort - but with date/time details to show that they were definitely there TOGETHER.

Until I reveal to him that I have all that evidence, WH will continue to lie about his and OW's holiday. 

Good luck to you. But please be prepared for being 'fobbed off' about his activities, even tho you KNOW for certain where he has been.

Sorry...


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## Pattiroxxi (May 3, 2014)

disconnected said:


> My WH is incapable of telling the truth.
> 
> I hope your husband is truthful with you. But if my WH is anything to go by, then it may be impossible for you to get the truth from your husband.
> 
> ...


WOW...you're amazing thanks.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

disconnected said:


> My WH is incapable of telling the truth.
> 
> For example, I asked him if he had been away on any holidays with OW (while I was away from home during June 2013).
> 
> Until I reveal to him that I have all that evidence, WH will continue to lie about his and OW's holiday.


Your husband has been cheating on you for the better part of a year, he's taken vacations with his mistress, you have the proof and yet you're still with him and you haven't confronted him.

He's lying to you and he's walking all over you and disrespecting you and doing as he pleases with the other woman and you have done nothing about this. 

Why?


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

the lying would be a deal breaker for me so yes, i'd file for D and unless he came crawling back ready to fess up and do some extremely heavy lifting to fix this sh1t, i'd follow through and move on.


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## marty39 (Mar 20, 2013)

If he confess maybe you should think about another chance...


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Human trafficking is pc for sex slaves. Your husband was paying people to imprison women for his sexual pleasure. How he lives with that tells you all you need to know.

So what ever he was using the women for, he is the epitome of a low life wh*re monger.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

BTW, how would it feel to have your daughter kidnapped and forced to have sex with many men a day. Beaten, drugged moved around the country in a sex circuit.

Its not just illegal aliens either. Girls and runaways are kidnapped in this country every day and made sex slaves in this country and smuggled to other countries, especially Mexico.

Google sex slave, human trafficking.

It was a great thing you did getting the police involved.


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## disconnected (May 30, 2013)

lenzi said:


> Your husband has been cheating on you for the better part of a year, he's taken vacations with his mistress, you have the proof and yet you're still with him and you haven't confronted him.
> 
> He's lying to you and he's walking all over you and disrespecting you and doing as he pleases with the other woman and you have done nothing about this.
> 
> Why?


We separated 6 months ago. We were living in Asia because of his job. I returned to Australia, and he lost his job approx. 8 weeks later.

I have been living with my sister and BIL for 6 months while I work on establishing a new life. WH is living on our lifestyle block down south 3 hrs away.

The (19 pages of) details are on the thread "I never saw this coming"

(Thanks for your comments ... )


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## Pattiroxxi (May 3, 2014)

marty39 said:


> If he confess maybe you should think about another chance...


I admire your forgiveness and compassion, but i am very vindictive person and i don't think i would ever trust him again. If he confesses it will just help me to file for divorce and move on, that's all i am waiting for. I think i made up my mind long time ago but i couldn't get rid of the betrayal and what he forced those girls to do.


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## Pattiroxxi (May 3, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> BTW, how would it feel to have your daughter kidnapped and forced to have sex with many men a day. Beaten, drugged moved around the country in a sex circuit.
> 
> Its not just illegal aliens either. Girls and runaways are kidnapped in this country every day and made sex slaves in this country and smuggled to other countries, especially Mexico.
> 
> ...


Yes, i knew about such massage parlors long time ago, i know all the sex trafficking that goes on at these places very well. I think that the correct term for these massage parlors would rather be brothels. I can't believe my husband would use these girls for such dirty work. I can't get that out of my head. I wonder what would happen if i wouldn't have found out. This is a serious matter and people don't realize it.


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## Pattiroxxi (May 3, 2014)

cool12 said:


> the lying would be a deal breaker for me so yes, i'd file for D and unless he came crawling back ready to fess up and do some extremely heavy lifting to fix this sh1t, i'd follow through and move on.


For me it's more what he did to those poor girls although i agree the lying part is not good. Although its not a deal breaker for me, the massage parlor definitely is.


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

This is risky behavior. He might get an STD and infect you if not already.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

Your husband is exposing you and your family to potential danger the STD risk is off the charts here.



what you need to do as off right now


*Start hard 180*


*Demand him to stop his trips to massage parlors/brothels*


*Get tested for STD's now! and tell him to do the same *


*Seek legal advice and know your rights
*

*If necessary expose his behavior to those who opinion matter most to him 
*


Do not I say again do not do nothing this has become his norm and he will continue to do this unless you show him you mean business


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

Show him this. It really helped me understand as viral media is want to do. It sounds like you can't forgive him. Reconciliation doesn't seem to be your focus. Show him this video and cut all ties.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y-a8dAHDQoo


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

How much more proof are you going to need? If you really expect him to tell you the full and honest truth before you act he will never tell the truth. If he tells the truth you feel you will divorce him and he knows this so why would he tell the truth? 

At this point he isn't going to give you more fuel to file for divorce. File for divorce.


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## Pattiroxxi (May 3, 2014)

xakulax said:


> Your husband is exposing you and your family to potential danger the STD risk is off the charts here.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I appreciate your willingness to help me work on this marriage. But i don't think after so many years that he will stop ever. I find what he was doing awful and i can't stop thinking about it. i will get tested for STD's but i don't care if he will! he is a stranger to me, all i think is how he betrayed me and went off to sex workers behind me back. He deserves nothing.


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## Pattiroxxi (May 3, 2014)

My husband has finally admitted to his cheating. He told me everything after i told him i am leaving him for good. As i predicted he was getting hand relief and naked massages. He also told me he touched the girl on 5 occasions. He further explained the table shower to me. I feel soo much better now. I am filing for divorce now. He was so desperate in getting me back haha, i think he will miss his money. Sorry but no second chances for cheating. I told him he can go and enjoy his baths now!

Any woman who is experiencing problems with massage parlors should divorce her hubby straight away. This goes beyond cheating i believe. Absolutely disgusting. Thank You for everyone who contributed to this thread.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

He will miss his money?

Don't you mean he thinks you will miss his money?

By confessing to you he hoped to save your marriage. As the reality of divorce begins to sink in, he may begin to question his morality, as he has no choice but to say that he harmed others and enriched wrong-doers. Have you asked him about trafficking?

I don't think you should stop the divorce if that is your decision, but it could be good to set his moral compass straight. If states that he knows he has behaved immorally, you can confirm that in a way that encourages him to fly right.

Are you going to expose him?


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## Pattiroxxi (May 3, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> He will miss his money?
> 
> Don't you mean he thinks you will miss his money?
> 
> ...




No, he know he will not win anything, money wise or in terms of the marriage.

Yes, i told him about the trafficking. He was shocked, but wouldn't believe me. His hopes for saving this marriage are 0%. He cheated in a great extent. I would forgive if he was kissing someone as long as he did not expose his genitals to the other person, but this? that's just too disgusting. Letting a woman wash and touch his whole body is so intimate. I am also very jealous therefore i will not stop this divorce. Why would you not leave such a person? wouldn't you be thinking about what he was doing all those years behind your back? if it was a two time thing, ok i would forgive but couple of years is too much.


Why should i help him realize what he is doing wrong now that i am leaving him? i think he will/or already has realize that what he did was immoral and disgusting. Leading him in the right direction will just make me feel bad. I don't want him to stop NOW that i am leaving him, if he would i would be feeling awful. I would feel like my role in his life was too help him realize that he was a fool. If he will actually stop visiting these brothels in his next relationships then i will be very sad as i took the full load of his wrongness.


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## Nikolas (Aug 22, 2011)

Pattiroxxi said:


> Yes i am fully aware of that. These places are worse than brothels in my opinion. I can't imagine what he was doing with those prostitutes. I know one thing, and that is that i will never forget what he has done. It disgusts me if i imagine a woman washing him. But he payed cash so how do i get proof? i saw him going to that place, but i got no idea how to get proof.



Worse than brothels? how do you draw that conclusion? Have you gone to these places?

I can tell you from first hand experience that MOST AMP's, (asian massage parlors) only go as far as offering a handjob, some go further than that, I must have been to over 80 of these places over the last 2 years and their not anything like you describe, Table showers are common, they give you a shower to wash off the oil after the massage, and their dressed while their doing it, most of these places give REAL massages you know, what they do is arouse you during the massage and then ask if you want a happy ending, if the girl is good looking I usually say yes, otherwise I decline.

I've never been intimate with any of them, no feelings for them whatsoever, it's all physical, If your husband is like me, he's going there to get a good massage and to have another woman make him feel good about himself, and he wants a happy ending, which girls are skilled at doing, is he getting them at home? Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to justify bad behavior, what I'm trying to do is make you understand the reasons WHY men go to these places..

Sure I've been offered full service, maybe 4 times out of the 80, refused every time because I can get it at home and not have to wear a condom, Even though my wife and I bicker and fight and she makes me feel worthless mos to the time, we actually have a good sexual relationship.. So I don't go to AMP's just for the happy endings, there is more to it than that.

I he's admitting to intercourse and feeling intimate with these ladies, then you have strong justification, otherwise I'd cut him some slack if I were you.


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## devastatedwife (Jul 28, 2014)

Nikolas said:


> Worse than brothels? how do you draw that conclusion? Have you gone to these places?
> 
> I can tell you from first hand experience that MOST AMP's, (asian massage parlors) only go as far as offering a handjob, some go further than that, I must have been to over 80 of these places over the last 2 years and their not anything like you describe, Table showers are common, they give you a shower to wash off the oil after the massage, and their dressed while their doing it, most of these places give REAL massages you know, what they do is arouse you during the massage and then ask if you want a happy ending, if the girl is good looking I usually say yes, otherwise I decline.
> 
> ...


Sorry if it appears I am highjacking this thread (not my intention at all), but I just had to speak up regarding your post Nikolas. Just like the OP, my husband was also frequenting these so called asian massage parlors, without my knowledge. Unfortunately for me, I found out in the worst way possible... that my supposedly faithful husband had been cheating...I was having "female" problems and he confessed that he may have "picked up something" from a massage provider that he visited and had given it to me. I am not going into all the sordid details of my story here, but you are wrong in thinking these places provide totally innocent spa treatments. These places are involved in not only trafficking, a lot of the women who are working in them are not even licensed certified massage therapists in the state where they are located, and not paid anywhere near a decent wage (some work for "tips" only). Some of the women are brought over from other countries with the promise of a better life and are basically no more than sex slaves. A lot of these places are being raided by law enforcement daily and are being shut down and arrested for prostitution. Search YouTube for asian massage parlor arrests and you will get numerous videos describing busts all across the US. Not only are the women and owners of the parlors being arrested, in some cases, any customers who are present at the time of the bust are also charged for soliciting.


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## Nikolas (Aug 22, 2011)

devastatedwife said:


> you are wrong in thinking these places provide totally innocent spa treatments.


I never indicated this in my post, I even went as far to capitalize that "MOST" provide only a hand job and that some go further, trafficking if you want to call it, Of course they exist but they are a small minority, don't take my word for it, visit review sites like Rubmaps where patrons review these parlors and you'll see that most of them don't offer FS.

When a man walks into a massage parlor it's doesn't always mean he had intercourse, that' just no that case.. For your husband it was so I can understand why you think the way you do.. As for your remaining post, I don't dispute it. 

I'm real sorry this happened to you, clearly he knew the risk he was taking by putting your health in jeopardy, that's really messed up, Are you still with him?


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## devastatedwife (Jul 28, 2014)

[/QUOTE]I'm real sorry this happened to you, clearly he knew the risk he was taking by putting your health in jeopardy, that's really messed up, Are you still with him?[/QUOTE]

Yes, we are still together, and have been married for 32 years, It has been a very long and rocky road for the last 20 months. At the time the above happened, I was very hurt and mad that he could have been so stupid and careless, but just chalked it up to a bad experience. He was very remorseful and said he had learned his lesson. It wasn't until last November that I learned he was still visiting these so called "Spas"!! How did I find out? Our cell phone bills always have had strange phone numbers listed that he had called, but since it is used for business also, at first didn't think anything about it. I guess women's intuition kicked in as I was starting to notice subtle difference in our relationship...not anything really profound, just that little nagging something that I felt. So one day I sat down at our computer and started researching these numbers. The more I researched the more shocked I was. Not only calls to these spas, but internet searches (i.e. porn sites), dating sites, "let's hook up and f**k sites". I was totally devastated. Hurt and betrayed does not EVEN describe what I was feeling..I felt my entire world crumble around me. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, cried myself to sleep countless nights. I switched between being hurt and humiliated and so pissed off, I knew I couldn't talk to him about it on the phone, so I kept it all to myself...until he came home. I had written him a letter explaining everything I had discovered and that I wanted to know why. Verbally confronting him was out of the question..I was too upset. What did I do to drive him to this? Loneliness? Companionship? He has always wanted me to go with him , but having our son still at home & in college and being responsible for most of the every day chores of keeping up a household, I never went with him very much. At first, he denied going to many of the places, he had only called them and made appointments that he didn't keep. The ones he had gone to, he DID admit he paid for 2 HJs. Part of me wanted to believe him, but the other part knew he wasn't being totally honest either. It's amazing how much a person's face and body language can tell you! I DO believe he still loves me and says he desires me more than ever. Divorce? NO WAY! After 30+ years of marriage? I wasn't going to give up that easily! I wasn't going down without a fight! I still love him despite everything . We have 3 children and in my heart I KNEW if they learned of any of this, it would totally destroy them..destroy any love they have for their father. 

So, that is where we are today...still working through all this mess. Since last November, there have been no more phone calls or visits to massage parlors, no more surfing porn sites..NONE. I keep a vigilant watch on everything and he knows it. I told him he only has one second chance..*ONE!* to prove to me his love and commitment. I have spent more time with him on the road than I have at any other time during our marriage (our son recently got married in June). Does it still hurt? Sure! Do I trust him now? NO WAY! He still hasn't earned my trust..not yet. Forgive him? I'm not sure I can ever truly forgive him. At least not yet. The pain is still too fresh.


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