# Is the "180" and "let her go" working?



## TINPHX (Apr 16, 2012)

My wife is in an affair and said she wanted a divorce, then decided that we needed time apart to "work on things", later that same day she said that the time apart was to work on the divorce, so I forced her hand and said that we should get started on it right away and not waiste any more time. She moved out on Monday of this week, I have been doing the 180 and let her go systems. Yesterday she text me 29 times about various things that honestly, most of it was not all that important. I always answered very direct and with short answers to the point. We are ironing out details of visitation, we had it worked where we would get the kids every other night during the week and then alternate weekends. I sent her an email last night stating that I thought it would be best if we did 2 nights here consecutive and 2 nights there consecutive and then every other weekend. She sent a reply back stating thats a good idea. Then I told her in texting that I was going down today to get the divorce paperwork going, and she did not respond and instead wrote something else about some vitamins that she needed. I have basically went dark on her on anything other than the Children and details of the seperation / divorce.

Not to try to get into her head? But is she thinking "wholly crap he is really going to do this"? Or is she just not wanting to talk about anything to do with her and I? Its not like I stated anything about her and I getting back together or trying to work on things, I only stated that I was going to get the paperwork to get it started. Being strong is a very healthy thing! I just have to stick with it. Hmmm? Feedback would be great!


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## TINPHX (Apr 16, 2012)

Let me clarify, she started the texting this morning and small talk stuff she needed from the house and how she wanted the kids to join the swim team when I dropped the bombshell on her and she did not respond and just changed the subject.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

TINPHX said:


> Not to try to get into her head? But is she thinking "wholly crap he is really going to do this"? Or is she just not wanting to talk about anything to do with her and I?


Who knows what she's thinking? You don't want to try to get in her foggy head, it's a crazy place. It won't make sense and will only suck you into the madness.

The reason your doing the 180* & letting her go is to get OUT of her head. *Your doing these things for you*. Don't forget that brother. Focus on that and let the chips fall where they may.

You doing well. DON'T BACKSLIDE. Stay the course!!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

The 180 and Just Let Them Go are for YOUR emotional protection. They ARE NOT manipulation tools but they are empowering tools to help you become emotionally strong to move on with your life with or without your wife.

Don't confuse the side-effect it has on a cake eating wife as THE purpose of both the 180 and Just Let Them Go.


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## TINPHX (Apr 16, 2012)

I understand this. I just found her lack of acknowledgement interesting. I was so weak before and I just went dark on her.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Without remorse it is best to assume that she is gone for good and not dwell on what she is or is not thinking. Your number one goal is self-protection. 

Live your life as though she has been erased from the face of the Earth. For all intent and purposes, the woman you loved is gone.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Like Pit said - inside the mind of someone in an affair is a very messed up and twisted place - scary!!! There is no assigning rational thought processes to the decisions and actions of someone consumed in an affair.

Stay your own course - don't worry about her.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

You are doing the right thing and it is normal for her to act the way she is this early on. In a couple of months you may see a change in her behavior (at least 6 weeks) so don't get discourage and think you need to start being more nice to her. Is takes a while for reality to sink in.

Just be short and businesslike. Take you time responding (if you even bother) and start planning your future without her. You'll feel better if you know you have a game plan whether you actually use it or not.

The 180 is to preserve your sanity and let you see things without being so blinded by emotions. When you get to that point you may discover that a divorce is exactly what you need.


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## TINPHX (Apr 16, 2012)

All very good points. I know that I need to stop thinking that she is going to regret this. It is obvious that she will, but waiting for it will only make my life more miserable. We have had ups and downs, the downs were mostly when she was unfaithful. But for the most part we have had a great life! Crazy!!!!!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)




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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Ignoring your message about D might be a mix of disbelief and denial at her part. Head in the sand.


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## TINPHX (Apr 16, 2012)

Snap: that is exactly what I am thinking.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

You may have already thought about this but file for divorce right away and get her served. That would be a big bucket of cold water. If something changes you do not have to go through with it. 

Next did you expose the A to her family and your friends? Do no let her get away with her edited truth about why you have split up.

Be strong for your kids and yourself. Have you been to the Dr. to be checked out for STD's. That was a painful thing for me to face. Also if you are not sleeping which was a problem I had to deal with ask about something to help you sleep.


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## stedfin (Apr 14, 2012)

She texted you 29 times in one day and you answered every time?

You're wondering if the 180 is "working" (to get her back).

Go back and read up on the methods and real purpose of the 180.

I think you missed a few things in there.


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

TINPHX said:


> *Yesterday she text me 29 times about various things that honestly, most of it was not all that important.* *I always answered very direct and with short answers to the point. *We are ironing out details of visitation, we had it worked where we would get the kids every other night during the week and then alternate weekends. I sent her an email last night stating that I thought it would be best if we did 2 nights here consecutive and 2 nights there consecutive and then every other weekend. She sent a reply back stating thats a good idea. *Then I told her in texting that I was going down today to get the divorce paperwork going, and she did not respond and instead wrote something else about some vitamins that she needed.* I have basically went dark on her on anything other than the Children and details of the seperation / divorce.


Sorry, this may be an improvement over how you interacted with her before. But it is not going dark.

You told her about D and she texted back about something trivial that she "needs"? She is VERY comfortable knowing she can disregard what you say, contact you anytime, as much as she wants, about anything. This is not going dark. You are too available.

Get the details of the kids/move/visitation/etc. worked out and stop responding to her texts unless it is an emergency related to the children. Better yet, get the separation agreement out of any divorce packet you can get at the courthouse or online, put all the details you have worked out in that document and get the D ball rolling.


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## TINPHX (Apr 16, 2012)

I understand and I cannot truly go dark on her because we have children, I am going to ignore her texts that have nothing to do with the kids.


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## stedfin (Apr 14, 2012)

TINPHX said:


> I understand and I cannot truly go dark on her because we have children, I am going to ignore her texts that have nothing to do with the kids.


29 texts per day about the kids is a lot of texts.

You could wait and perhaps respond to them all at once or something.

You need to be more honest with yourself here.


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

That's why you work out all the details regarding the children so you wont NEED to text every 10 minutes.


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## manindespair (Jun 20, 2014)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Who knows what she's thinking? You don't want to try to get in her foggy head, it's a crazy place. It won't make sense and will only suck you into the madness.
> 
> The reason your doing the 180* & letting her go is to get OUT of her head. *Your doing these things for you*. Don't forget that brother. Focus on that and let the chips fall where they may.
> 
> You doing well. DON'T BACKSLIDE. Stay the course!!


Think that's where I go wrong.... I still haven't got the 180 down!!!!


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## manindespair (Jun 20, 2014)

TINPHX said:


> I understand this. I just found her lack of acknowledgement interesting. I was so weak before and I just went dark on her.


How long ago was D day? How recent did you start the 180? 

Her lack of acknowledgement is probably due to the fact that she only wants to deal with things that suit her head!! At the moment she is fogged and in a selfish place and no-one but here will ever know what is going on in there!!!!

Work on YOU.... I know how hard that is... trust me!

I keep backsliding and that is getting me no-where so be strong pal


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

MID, look at the dates attached to the other posts in this thread. The thread was opened over 2 years ago, the last post prior to yours was over 2 years ago, and the OP hasn't been active on TAM in over 2 years.

This is what we call a "zombie" thread.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

MID, you need to quit hoping for some potion that will bring her back and reverse everything that happened. If she was really into you and your marriage you wouldn't be in this situation. Youre history my man. Ditch this broad and look forward to replacing her. Keep in mind you're lot letting her go. She wants something beyond what she now has and doesn't want to be fettered by you. If you want something that tries to pull away but you can keep reeling back in, take up fishing.


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