# husband losing interest



## cindy12 (Sep 1, 2011)

My husband and I have been married for 12 years and have 2 young children. He works away from home regularly since he works with a travelling theatre show. Since his return from his last trip, he seemed to have been more secretive; he's locked his mobile handset, which he had not done before, and had shown to have lost interest in me and what has been going on in my life. I have always been supportive of what he wants to do professionally, having given up work for 5 years to raise the kids. Now that they are both at school full-time, I am currently employed and keep myself busy by attending night classes one night a week. When I confronted him about a text message I saw on his phone, he was defensive, deleted the message and claimed she's just a friend and an acquaintance he made when he was on his last trip. Until then, I never had doubts on whether I could trust him, but I do somehow find it harder to trust him now, especially since out of anger he threatened to walk out twice. Things are not the same anymore, he doesn't seem to show much interest in trying to make it work in contrast to me trying too hard. He flatly refused to attend counselling. 

Tensions are running high in the house, we do not seem to talk anymore, and even basic pleasantries come out to be such an effort. I am determined to make my marriage work, but I do not seem to know how.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

From what I am learning and reading on these forums and with people I talk to, the biggest identifiable indicator of infidelity is how they act with their cell phone - if he suddenly locks his phone and is hiding texts it is the biggest red flag of all.


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## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

All the signs are there for either an EA and or PA....I can tell you this from personal experience....You could confront him about this, but he may or may not tell you the truth.
I wish I had better new for you...it hurts so bad, I know.


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## cindy12 (Sep 1, 2011)

thanks for your feedback; HappyAtLast, forgive my ignorance, but what are EA and PA?

I would like to obtain proof before I can make my claims; I do not know how to unlock the phone, having tried the one code I knew (hence my chance to read the 'offending text') - I wouldn't normally want to 'breach his privacy' but his actions left me with no choice. I just hope I'm not trying to hang on to nothing.


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## lisakifttherapy (Jul 31, 2007)

Instincts are there to serve and it sounds like yours are on alert. It sounds like his behavior is indeed different - and secretive. Trust that and don't allow him to make you think you're crazy. You have a right to figure out what's going on. It might not be as bad as you think after all but if something has shifted negatively in your marriage you have a right to know to have an opportunity to work on it with him...if that's what you want to do.


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## cindy12 (Sep 1, 2011)

When I suggested that we go for counselling, he was quick to say 'no' and refused to 'have someone tell him what to do' - i do feel i need some sort of help in a way that does not make it look like there's external help - does that make sense? it's so hard when he just doesn't want to talk, and whenever i try to broach the subject he either storms off or tells me he doesn't want to talk about it. I do feel rather helpless at the moment.


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## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

cindy12 said:


> thanks for your feedback; HappyAtLast, forgive my ignorance, but what are EA and PA?
> 
> I would like to obtain proof before I can make my claims; I do not know how to unlock the phone, having tried the one code I knew (hence my chance to read the 'offending text') - I wouldn't normally want to 'breach his privacy' but his actions left me with no choice. I just hope I'm not trying to hang on to nothing.


EA is an emotional affair...PA is a physical affair...
I understand how you want proof first...if you accuse someone of something, then you need evidence.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Do you have access to the cell account website? You may be able to get a listing of phone numbers called/texted. What kind of cell phone?

As someone who has cheated on their spouse, my suggestion is that you may want to post in the Infidelity forum. His behaviors seem familiar. I'm not saying he's cheating, but it's definitely grounds for investigating.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cindy12 (Sep 1, 2011)

thanks PBear, i do have my doubts. His mobile is on a top-up tariff, so i suppose you won't get an itemised billing or statement. (mine is too) Am still trying to work out what 4 digits he uses to unlock the phone, unless I can sync it to my laptop. It's an HTC.


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

Hi Cindy
Bascially it sounds like you want to know simply what is going on. So I think the best thing to do is to cultivate communication between you. 

This will come down to how you ask questions and the mood of the conversation. If he likes to talk about his feelings then open questions will help him to voice his feelings. If he sees you aren't overly defensive, but willing to listen openly and less emotionally he may feel he can speak on topics more sensitive to him. Any rebuke or outbreak will simply result in his sensitive topics being hidden. Avoid that even if you feel like crying or screaming; do that later perhaps.

It maybe he just feels overwhelmed with intimacy or it maybe something else. I don't share my passwords with my partner for example, simply because I still want to feel like an individual. Not because of any flirting or misconduct on my part, it is just how I distinguish my comfort zone. My point is that I think communication rather than bringing up ideas of disloyalty or confrontation will arrive at peace of mind, albeit it may take some practice and time if that open communication needs to be developed first.

If he finds you hacking his phone, then it will imply you don't trust him even enough to talk to him.


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