# Grieve loss of person he was before alcohol



## Heartbroken fighter (May 19, 2013)

I've been with my husband for 19 years, we met at 17. He told me how angry he was at his dad for abandoning his family due to drinking. We had such a friendship, talking all the time, we watched lifetime movies together, he made me laugh, just were there for each other. My mom had a mental illness and I could relate to some of what his dad put him thru. Over the past 6 years, my husband began drinking more frequently, for past two years daily, except spurts when he quit because I was upset about it.

He now has been diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety, and alcohol dependency. He is losing himself in alcohol, his depression meds are not working well now due to this either. It's like he has no heart, I'm dying inside as I miss him, and he has the nerve to not not show any care for me. 

I still love him, I just am at a loss for how to grieve for the person he once was. He was my first everything and I was his, it's so heartbreaking. I just don't know how to get over him.


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## silkpalace (May 17, 2013)

Your story sounds just like mine, except my husband became verbally and physically aggressive with me. I begged him to go to AA and seek help. He finally went to a therapist, but continues to drink. I actually think I could deal with the depression part, but not the anger and rages that come with his drinking.......i had to leave in order to stay sane. Alanon has been very helpful. Your husband doesn't know how to care for you.....he isn't doing it on purpose.....he has a disease......he needs to learn to take care of himself.....it's soooooo sad, because watching someone you love literally kill themselves is heartbreaking! Just remember the 3 C's. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. Please try Alanon if you haven't already...you will find a lot of support there


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## Heartbroken fighter (May 19, 2013)

Thank you silk palace! You are inspiring! I appreciate your insight, I don't feel so alone!


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## silkpalace (May 17, 2013)

How are you holding up? Thinking about you


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## Heartbroken fighter (May 19, 2013)

Thank you silk palace! You made my day, so thoughtful of you to check!

I'm reading codependency books like crazy, going to continue alanon. He is just so selfish and inconsiderate and blames me for our issues. He just can't see how his behavior affects others. He says he only feels like drinking at home because of me and the tension and I irritate him. 

Next sentence he us telling me how people irritate him at work, he says the f word to them, including women when he blows up. 

I am trying to learn how to live in peace despite everything. But I'm also setting myself up emotionally to leave if needed. We have no kids, I'm 37, I have a good career and can support myself- I earn twice what he does. I look at this logically and think I should leave but my heart holds me back. Nostalgia, history, glimpses of good times here and there, he takes his depression med and drinks less and is loving to me. I guess I'm weak yet but trying 

How are you doing?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## silkpalace (May 17, 2013)

Heartbroken fighter said:


> Thank you silk palace! You made my day, so thoughtful of you to check!
> I look at this logically and think I should leave but my heart holds me back. Nostalgia, history, glimpses of good times here and there, he takes his depression med and drinks less and is loving to me. I guess I'm weak yet but trying
> 
> How are you doing?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am taking it day by day....I totally understand EXACTLY what you said, nostalgia, history, glimpses of good times.....my mind, my heart, my body is always thinking about these times. But, I know, I will not be helping my husband and I can't help my husband by going back.....he needs to find the path to "sanity" himself. Today he called me and it broke my heart....crying, talking about all the plans we had. I stayed strong, told him I love him, but that I can't stay married to him.


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## Heartbroken fighter (May 19, 2013)

Wow silk palace....what strength you have. As I considered what you shared before and in recent reply, it's clear that you have reached some sense of renewed peace with removing him from your life. It's tempting to want to jump back to hope but I can see that although nostalgic and wishing those dreams and hopes could happen, you don't want to open the door to him and go backwards. I had my hubby move out last year, he pursued me the entire time and I was dumb and left him back too soon. He didnt drink for 6 weeks and we got along so fine and I was thrilled and enjoyed having a hubby again as he treated me so well. It is so hard to hold back and resist when you love someone and they tell you the right things you want to hear. But as you have mastered is realizing the likelihood that things will happen as promised is minimal. 

As we see that we are not alone in how we are treated by drinkers I think it helps to remove some of taking it all personally...the disease(s) faced by our loved ones consumes them like quicksand and we stand by trying to keep from being sucked in...yet we love them so much we'd likely sacrifice our own selves to save them. You are standing out of that sandbox, savor that peace celebrate your steps to continue on a healthy path.


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## Mycah (May 31, 2013)

I too love my alcoholic hubby but can't live like this either.he won't leave the house as "it's my home as well" and constantly tells me if I'm unhappy then leave. At the moment I'm locked in that I can't move on. My youngest is doing her HSC and doesn't need the pressure of moving in her crucial year. She has begged me to tolerate it for another 6mths seeing as we've put it up for the last 15 years.
In the past I have let a few times only to be begged by H to come back and he will change. He doesn't want to lose his family etc.each time I have this glimmer of hope that things will be different this time. But to no avail.
Fast forward I'm so fed up. Try to ignore him as best as I can but the fact he's hear erks me no end.he of course can't see or feel the tension.


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## silkpalace (May 17, 2013)

Mycah,
I sent you a private message


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## Heartbroken fighter (May 19, 2013)

Mycah, it's terrible how they use controlling measures to hook us in, yet treat us like we are the issue and make things more difficult to bear. Your hubby knows how he can hook you, just enough to hold on, this also happens to me. its tough to make them leave, yes its their house too but they already abandoned us in spirit, its them that has left yet want the comforts of home. i can't imagine going through this with a child, my thoughts and prayers are with you!


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