# Self pleasure



## Winterwolf227 (Feb 5, 2013)

If I am in the mood and the wife is not, is it wrong to self pleasure (masterbate)while she is besides me in bed (often times sleeping). She is adamantly against my self pleasure, and I no longer do it. However, I then end up tossing and turning and finally get up and watch tv for hours till I get sleepy and I go back to bed. She is against masterbation and sometimes it is what I need to relax and get to sleep if she is not in the mood.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

So she's expecting your sex drive to work around hers?That's unfair and very controlling.Telling another person they can't masturbate is the most ridiculous and manipulative thing I've heard around here.
I say stop allowing her to control your sex drive and access to self love.
The day I'll think it's ok to control masturbation is the day she opens her legs or gives you a bj/hj every single time you're in the mood and you know what maybe not even then! Self love is one of the few simple pleasures in life that no one should be deprived of unless it's for religious purposes and I even question that.
Adamantly against self pleasure?!The nerve of some people kills me.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Yeah I'm with Scarlet either she's willing to help you out or you take care of it yourself.

It's not wrong at all. What your wife is doing is yes manipulative and controlling. She's wrong not you.


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## mildlyperplexed (Feb 3, 2013)

Perhaps doing it in bed next to her is going a bit far?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

mildlyperplexed said:


> Perhaps doing it in bed next to her is going a bit far?


In any other situation I'd agree with this.But I can't stop myself from thinking "Isn't a wife depriving a man of his right to masturbate going a bit far?" Yes,I believe masturbation is a right.It's your body and you can touch it however you like.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Winterwolf227 said:


> If I am in the mood and the wife is not, is it wrong to self pleasure (masterbate)while she is besides me in bed (often times sleeping). She is adamantly against my self pleasure, and I no longer do it. However, I then end up tossing and turning and finally get up and watch tv for hours till I get sleepy and I go back to bed. She is against masterbation and sometimes it is what I need to relax and get to sleep if she is not in the mood.


My ex used to do the same thing regarding masturbation. I never tried to do it next to her, because it's not ever been my thing to do it around someone else, but she used to make it very well known she viewed masturbation as wrong, disgusting, etc. So I had to sneak around to do it, but I did. I wouldn't let her control you this way. She doesn't want to polish your bullhorn, go apply the wax yourself.



ScarletBegonias said:


> The day I'll think it's ok to control masturbation is the day she opens her legs or gives you a bj/hj every single time you're in the mood and you know what maybe not even then!


I'd say not even then. Masturbation is just a very different and unique feeling and once in a while I'll do it even after having had sex. The only time I think a spouse has the right to step in and demand a stop to masturbation is when it is putting a strain on the marriage, such as when a man prefers to masturbate rather than being with his wife. I can't imagine how that is enjoyable though, even though we know some men do it.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

See.. the thing is... society frowning upon masturbation is a holdover of religious and moral dogma. It just is. The big problem here is that you can rationalilze and argue logic all you want and you will not sway someones opinion that 'its just not right'. Aguments dont matter.

But. Educate her. You just gotta try. 

Masturbation is not only normal, but a healthy endeavor psychologically and physically. There are reasons for it.. and though it seems like the OP uses it as a relaxation tool (something I do myself) that does not obscure the fact that it is not some kind of reprehensible moral failing nor is it a referendum on his wife or their sexual relationship.

This kind of thread makes me crazy.

eg:
Univ of Manchester:
ScienceDirect.com - Animal Behaviour - Human sperm competition: ejaculate adjustment by males and the function of masturbation

Univ of Wisconsin...
'Masturbation key to healthy, functional sexual relationships'...
The Badger Herald: Masturbation key to healthy, functional sexual relationships

oh those pesky 'academics' and all their 'book-learning'... what do they know... 

Oh.. and by the way... if it bothers her.. try and jack off in some other room and be discrete. Who can sleep if you are panting and the bed is shaking. Seriously.  Use a little tact in the bed and maybe you can entice her to help out eventually - but if she feels you are simply 'doing your own thing' she my find you horribly anoying and wondering why you are not paying attention to her... when really that has nothing to do with it.

sigh.

I dont blatantly masturbate in bed while the wife is there, that seems a little self involved... but I have sometimes (not often)cuddled up to her or put one hand on her butt and start...uhm... rubbing some things. Face it - we have plenty of sex together and sometimes this is just the course things take. She invariably (she is good to me) gets right into it and climbs on for a ride or lends a hand herself which is something that is a little new for us. Its all good.


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## mildlyperplexed (Feb 3, 2013)

A bubblebath and a wank while your in there would be less likely to call down the wrath of god though. Unless the danger is adding to the experience of course.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

mildlyperplexed said:


> A bubblebath and a wank while your in there would be less likely to call down the wrath of god though. Unless the danger is adding to the experience of course.


That could be a reason for wanting to do it in bed, but I suspect the real reason is a desire to be close to his partner physically. He wants sex and masturbates when that is denied, so masturbating next to her, in bed, is as close as he can get to actual sex with her.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> That could be a reason for wanting to do it in bed, but I suspect the real reason is a desire to be close to his partner physically. He wants sex and masturbates when that is denied, so masturbating next to her, in bed, is as close as he can get to actual sex with her.


this:iagree:
also,why should he have to hide the fact that he is masturbating?It needs to be discussed.There has to be some sort of compromise.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

As someone who spanked the monkey more times than I care to think about during my intimacy challenged marriage, I also think the "doing it while she's sleeping" thing is tacky and rather passive-aggressive. Either stand up to her and say "I'm going to have an orgasm tonight, with our without your help" or just go to a different room (or before she comes to bed). But don't beat around the bush. Bahahaha. Oh, I kill me! 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

PBear said:


> As someone who spanked the monkey more times than I care to think about during my intimacy challenged marriage, I also think the "doing it while she's sleeping" thing is tacky and rather passive-aggressive. Either stand up to her and say "I'm going to have an orgasm tonight, with our without your help" or just go to a different room (or before she comes to bed). *But don't beat around the bush. *Bahahaha. Oh, I kill me!
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:lol::rofl::smthumbup:


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

PBear said:


> As someone who spanked the monkey more times than I care to think about during my intimacy challenged marriage, I also think the "doing it while she's sleeping" thing is tacky and rather passive-aggressive. Either stand up to her and say "I'm going to have an orgasm tonight, with our without your help" or just go to a different room (or before she comes to bed). But don't beat around the bush. Bahahaha. Oh, I kill me!
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't see it as tacky or passive aggresive. She needs to grow up. As said, the only time this should be an issue is if it takes place of sex with the partner, and the partner is ready willing and able. 

I'm completely against having to sneak off and rub one out on the toilet or while locked in a bathroom. 

It is frustrating to be laying in bed all wound up and unable to sleep. What should he do? Lock himself in the bathroom or go to another room? What then, when she wakes up and starts calling "honey, what are you doing". What, then lie and come back to bed even more frustrated? 

Personally, I like to try and wait. It will usually only be a day or two until our desires for sex meet and we have it. But there are times when she may not be feeling it, and goes to sleep. I may be fine all day long, then laying in bed the horniness comes on strong. There is no going to sleep with a raging hard on. I'll quietly take care of things. Sometimes she wakes up, sometimes she doesn't. When she does, the biggest complaint I get is "why didn't you wake me?!!". She likes to watch and take part even if she's not in the mood. Never any heartburn. She just wants to share. I love it, and it makes it so much better. 

Anyone telling me I have to be frustrated and go without just because she's not in the mood will be encouraged to understand, change her juvenile mentality, deal with it, or get lost.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Winterwolf227 said:


> If I am in the mood and the wife is not, is it wrong to self pleasure (masterbate)while she is besides me in bed (often times sleeping). She is adamantly against my self pleasure, and I no longer do it. However, I then end up tossing and turning and finally get up and watch tv for hours till I get sleepy and I go back to bed. She is against masterbation and sometimes it is what I need to relax and get to sleep if she is not in the mood.


Mr. Wolf, does your wife give you sex most of the time you asked for? Say, 8/10 or 7/10?

Because, if yes, then I could understand why she doesn't want you to masturbate. In fact I think it is very wrong to masturbate if your wife are perfectly willing to pleasure you most of the times.

But if she reject you more than pleasuring you, and STILL does not want you to masturbate, then something is not right with _HER_, not with you.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I believe it can be passive agressive depending on how it's being approached. 

Personally though, I would see this as an opportunity for her to do something loving for you. If she's not in the mood but knows you are then hold you, maybe caress you while you take care of yourself. This takes the pressure off her to perform and allows you the opportunity feel good without feeling resentful or guilty. Seems like a win win to me.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Tell her she has two choices

1. she has sex with you X times per week (amount you think is reaquired to avoid masturbatin)
2. You will masturbate in between sex

Tell her toi let you know what she decides.


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## Winterwolf227 (Feb 5, 2013)

Thank you all for your reply. The man reason I do it in bed next to her is that I can think of her while doing it and have some type of connect, however so small. I may touch her with my leg (leg on leg) or hold/touch her hand lightly. I want to pretend I am making love to her, not In The bathtub using other "visions" in my mind. We don't view porn, and I am not really a fan of it, but my sex drive is very high. We are Christians but I don't believe the masterbation issue is religious fueled.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Winterwolf227 (Feb 5, 2013)

In addition, I have told her that I am gonna pleasure myself which results in her getting out of bed and leaving the bedroom. I love her very much and respect her views but is is really beginning to cause internal tension.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

It is interesting that masturbation is never directly addressed in the Bible, yet it has been made into this big "sin." And yet, refusing your partner's sexual needs IS mentioned and that somehow is NOT a sin.

There are many Christian authors and speakers that have no problem with masturbation. In our case, I am much higher drive than my wife and, even at almost 58, I take care of myself almost every day, she will give me a hand job, or she will "help me" as she lies beside me. Unless she is willing to meet your sexual needs every day, she should not deprive you of meeting your own.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

ugh, the whole concept of one adult telling another adult what they cannot do with their own body is just plain controlling.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

AM2013 said:


> Have you told her that you are considering masterbation if she won't have sex? Because if my husband said that to me, I would be instantly in the mood. If my husbands member is standing at attention, I want it in me. Definitely not in his hand while he thinks about the cute girl he saw at the grocery store. Maybe she hasn't considered all of this?


When I suggested she should really view it as a positive and at least cuddle with him while he masturbates in the back of my mind I was thinking it might actually turn her on enough to want to participate. 

It sounds as though she has an issue with masturbation itself. My only suggestion is some calm discussion out of bed to determine why she feels it's wrong and perhaps get her to the point she understands it's in fact healthy.


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## Code-Welder (Dec 17, 2012)

mildlyperplexed said:


> Perhaps doing it in bed next to her is going a bit far?


I agree with this, but if you need to pleasure yourself do it. Men need the physical release from time to time, keeps you healthy. When I was young and wife was not able to help me out I often relieved myself. 

Man up, she is not able or unwilling, masturbation is normal and natural. If she is against it tell there are two options, she can help you out or you can do it yourself. Why not just grab a towel, head to the couch, rub one off and go back to bed?


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## homebuilder (Aug 25, 2012)

PBear said:


> As someone who spanked the monkey more times than I care to think about during my intimacy challenged marriage, I also think the "doing it while she's sleeping" thing is tacky and rather passive-aggressive. Either stand up to her and say "I'm going to have an orgasm tonight, with our without your help" or just go to a different room (or before she comes to bed). But don't beat around the bush. Bahahaha. Oh, I kill me!
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


no matter how bad my day has been, always a good laugh on TAM. that is some funny sh!t :rofl:


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

Does she not want you to do it at all or just not next to her in the bed?


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## Terry_CO (Oct 23, 2012)

"Taking matters into your own hands" is your right. Intruding into her space in the bed by going to town on yourself while she's sleeping next to you might be pushing the boundaries of tackiness a bit


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## Winterwolf227 (Feb 5, 2013)

So I guess I am n agreement about the tackiness of it, but:

1. if I take care of business before coming to bed and then the wife wants to be intimate, I am sacrificing quality time with her to masterbate. I'm 44' I don't recharge that quick.

2 a few times in the past when I have been aroused in bed and the wife is not the same place as I (snoring and REM sleep) after I have put her to sleep giving her a intimate body rub, she wakes up when I get out of bed to go downstairs to "cool down" the question comes out " can I help you fall asleep "in an exasperated tone. It then changes in my mind from voluntarily intimacy to me forcing intimacy. It is not pleasurable in my mind as she is going thru the motions to get me off as fast as she can so she can get back to sleep.

I know, I am the creep masterbating in bed next to her while she is asleep, buts its a no win situation. 

I have a feeling I'm about to get slaughtered here !


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## Winterwolf227 (Feb 5, 2013)

Tigger said:


> Does she not want you to do it at all or just not next to her in the bed?


Pretty much not at all. It is, in her mind, unhealthy.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Winterwolf227 said:


> So I guess I am n agreement about the tackiness of it, but:
> 
> 1. if I take care of business before coming to bed and then the wife wants to be intimate, I am sacrificing quality time with her to masterbate. I'm 44' I don't recharge that quick.
> 
> ...


No Mr. Wolf, I am not going to slaughter you . But, really, if your wife are not refusing to give you sex, why masturbate? Why not have sex before you two go to sleep? That will save you a lot of trouble.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Winterwolf227 said:


> So I guess I am n agreement about the tackiness of it, but:
> 
> 1. if I take care of business before coming to bed and then the wife wants to be intimate, I am sacrificing quality time with her to masterbate. I'm 44' I don't recharge that quick.
> 
> ...


I don't think you're a creep at all for what it's worth.As far as it being tacky,whatever I think it's tacky for her to use you for a great massage then leave the bedroom to "cool down" and offer a charity release for you.
Seriously hoping you address this huge issue with her.Get her to go to counseling because I am nearly positive any good counselor will set her straight on her little anti-masturbation law. ESPECIALLY when she's walking around behaving as though helping you with release is some sort of divine favor she's stooping to give you.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Winterwolf227 said:


> So I guess I am n agreement about the tackiness of it, but:
> 
> 1. if I take care of business before coming to bed and then the wife wants to be intimate, I am sacrificing quality time with her to masterbate. I'm 44' I don't recharge that quick.
> 
> ...


I think whether its tacky or not is dependant on the context. 

Say for instance the roles were reversed and she chose to pleasure herself because you weren't 'up' for sex. In most situations that would be a turn on. Now if the circumstances were you were suffering from ED she sneered at you then finished on her own that would probably be hurtful.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

To continue some of my thoughts... You're entitled to "self serve" all you like (in my opinion). But she's entitled to her space and to sleep without being woken up thinking there's an earthquake. Which is why I think it's "wrong" to do it in the bed with her when she doesn't like it. 

And I somehow doubt that you're doing much to improve the odds she'll actually want sex with you. But at least you're not pulling the passive-aggressive thing. 

C


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