# Serial patterns



## Rocket Skates76 (Jun 24, 2017)

Divorce has been filed. One year wait. My WW will contribute greatly in the lives of our 4 young ones. This is not about wrestling away the children because the reality is I work a lot and family is sparse. 
This is about feeling apprehensive now that the depth of my wife's sickness has been revealed. I question her future decisions, her judgment. She had NEVER given me reason to in the past, but that was then. 

I understand now the steps involved in infidelity. I understand someone who partakes of this more than once could be labeled "serial". Situational vs Serial. But is there something deeply wrong within the mind of a serial? 
Cheating is an extremely destructive coping mechanism and this is what brings me worry, especially now that it is forever attached to my children's lives. 
There is not much in the way of Google. 
Do serial cheats just give in more? Or is it darker. 
Don't incidents usually escalate in nature and content?
Or are patterns unreliable?

They are addicts and that worries me. The hearts and innocence of my little ones dominates my thinking. 

4 affairs she has admitted to. Yes, one was me, you may already know that. 
The point: is it possible to use her "revealed past" as a barometer for the future health and safety of my children?

All info I received 2 weeks ago when she fessed up (according to her):

2004, in previous marriage, full PA with church sound man. Started as a 5 month EA. Sex only happened once. Confessed. Her ex was hurt but got over it. They were forced to relocate leaving behind careers. 

2006 sent out 'feeler' message to me via MySpace. We were once in love teenagers who split up. We jumped all in from there. EA and PA. Divorced then Married each other the following year. 

12/2015 reveals one month EA with former ex boyfriend from teen years. Mostly, using him to feed her loneliness and ego. A couple pics sent, one topless, one in a bikini. "Minor sexual talk". He just needed companionship (meth user) and she liked the attention. 7 hr drive no PA. 

06/2016 
4 month Fling with band member. 2 incidents of oral. 5 incidents of vulgar videos back and forth. He was not needy nor affectionate. She says she felt used. It was simple "send me pics and vids" and do the sexual things we miss or enjoy. He left the band and her but resurfaced 3 weeks ago (8 months later) Videos were once again exchanged. Nothing else she swears. 

She is a wholesome acting mom that can be a complete $lut unfortunately. 
Does that behavior fit a pattern that has been seen before?
Stability when my children are with her, is that realistic?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

It isn't darker per se. It is an inherent lack of self esteem that leads them to pursue external validation from whatever their current object of affection might be. 

The lack of self esteem stems from not loving themselves, therefore they do not feel good about themselves, then a stray compliment comes in from someone of the opposite sex, they see a picture of an ex on social media, etc...it feels good, they reach out, the gesture is returned, pleasantries become flirtation, which leads to sexting, and leads to the PA. 

That one falls apart? The next compliment from the next person starts the process all over again. The sex isn't even the end state for the serial cheat, but rather the emotional high of being desired and accepted by the new AP.

It more-often-than-not is not malicious, but just self-centered. Their feeling better about themselves is the only thing that matters in the moment. 

As far as stability goes, she will likely cycle through men until she finds someone who thinks the facade she puts up is the cats pajamas. Then he will marry her, and when it becomes stale, someone else will come along to prop up her ego, and it will be on again. 

Stable? Not really. Unfortunately, that will not matter much in the eyes of the court in custody. This is where you have to remember that you can only control yourself, and do your best to empower your children with the morals you wish them to have.

I want to add this...she sought you out on MySpace. That means she was the initiator. It makes it even more likely in that she does not wait for it to come to her, but rather she will seek it out when her life starts to feel...level.

I think you are well to be rid of her. Co-parenting with her will likely not be too hard minus the potential for her to bring strange men around your kids, which presents other risks.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

farsidejunky said:


> It isn't darker per se. It is an inherent lack of self esteem that leads them to pursue external validation from whatever their current object of affection might be.
> 
> The lack of self esteem stems from not loving themselves, therefore they do not feel good about themselves, then a stray compliment comes in from someone of the opposite sex, they see a picture of an ex on social media, etc...it feels good, they reach out, the gesture is returned, pleasantries become flirtation, which leads to sexting, and leads to the PA.
> 
> ...


Perfectly said. The only thing you need to concern yourself with is taking care of the children. She will be seeing different men, some of which MAY not be the best influence on the kids.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

She will most likely quickly find someone else to shack up with for 7-10 yrs, and then she will get bored and her eye will start to wander again.


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

I can fully sympathise, my wife cheated several times and i class her as a serial cheater, only promising me just a few years back that it would never happen again, alas, she now lives with a man who she had a six month affair and was a co-worker. Now the messy bit, photos, graphic sex chat with several men all at the same time a few years back. My wife is a racist as is her family, hate everybody that doesn't look like them, white trash. My wife in all the years i knew her (35) hated black people especially, i found out that she was away with work colleagues and she had a nights hot sex with a black man, now i am no psychiatrist but that must be either she has been lying for decades, or she is really sick. I will never appreciate or understand what goes through the minds of people who cannot say no to sex outside the marriage or relationship, it is destructive and immoral, on top of that the endless promises that end with the same repeat behaviour. I have in the last four weeks had an education from TAM and other sources into the thinking of the serial cheat, my wife was one, is one and will always be one, she is making promises of lasting love with her new man, new puppy today, maybe children tomorrow, either he is her cure or she is kidding herself again, WOW, what a fecking loser. My job as night shift taxi driver means i am confronted with offers of NSS, i am not only astonished but insulted, these woman are wives, G/F's and partners, i see it and i deplore it, people must start to behave and bring some morality to themselves and it would benefit society, maybe i am mad.

My heart goes out to you friend, you need to protect yourself as i bet she hasn't been fully truthful with you, all in all they lie and cheat to feed the void in their lives and everybody is their enemy, guard against this as you are a target for her.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Rocket Skates76 said:


> Divorce has been filed. One year wait. My WW will contribute greatly in the lives of our 4 young ones. This is not about wrestling away the children because the reality is I work a lot and family is sparse.
> This is about feeling apprehensive now that the depth of my wife's sickness has been revealed. I question her future decisions, her judgment. She had NEVER given me reason to in the past, but that was then.
> 
> I understand now the steps involved in infidelity. I understand someone who partakes of this more than once could be labeled "serial". Situational vs Serial. But is there something deeply wrong within the mind of a serial?
> ...


OP,
She had given you reasons to question her judgement but it served your purposes then and was therefore either dismissed or overlooked altogether. She cheated with you which should have been a glaring testament to her character. Nevertheless, your bed is made and now you must lie in it. You must now be very mindful of her influence on the children. She has demonstrated behavior which is both destructive and careless. In reality, she is very little more mature than the children she is tasked with parenting. There can simply be no stability in an immature mind which is exactly the reason children need parental influence. She does not have the necessary intellect to even understand that much less recognize the danger she represents to her not only herself but her children as well. Yours will not be an easy path but you must traverse it carefully for the sake of your children.

I would like to rearrange the bolded sentence above to improve its accuracy. "She is an immature woman of questionable character, poor judgement and loose moral fabric who has gleaned just enough from her surroundings to be able to somewhat emulate a mother." However, since this is an act it is therefore not within her abilities to actually sustain that persona. Anger, her own desires and multiple other outside influences can disrupt her motherly facade in an instant. This is deeply troubling and the reason that you will have to assume a greater role in the rearing of your children.

Another very disturbing characteristic of immature, underdeveloped intellects is the ease with which they can speak pure, unadulterated lies with seemingly no sign of guilt or even uncomfortableness. I fear you may find that her "confession" was incomplete. And you may well find that you get more reliable information from your children about their lives with her than you will from her. As to her being "dark" that is a matter of perspective but if you are referring to her purposefully and mindfully doing things that would be considered "evil" then I would answer no. However, you must understand that her mind is not capable of the fully reasoned thought that one should be capable of at her age and therefore her actions will be driven by selfishness and when someones actions are such then they will do many bad things that many would consider "evil" therefore making her appear "dark" when in reality she is merely very stupid.

So, stability, she is not capable of it. Honesty, she is not capable. Carefully reasoned thought, again not capable. I regret to say that I feel you and your children would be better off without her influence but that is most likely not possible so the best you can do is to be diligent in your efforts to parent thereby overriding her negative influence. I wish you good fortune.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Rocket Skates76 said:


> 2006 sent out 'feeler' message to me via MySpace. We were once in love teenagers who split up. We jumped all in from there. EA and PA. Divorced then Married each other the following year.


So she cheated on her husband with you?


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## karr99 (Jun 28, 2017)

BobSimmons said:


> So she cheated on her husband with you?


Sounds like it, this is the perfect case of leopard never changes its spots and what goes around comes around

OP, i'm sorry for your pain, her-ex husband must've felt it too. 
Just focus on your children and be the best person that you can be to other people, be kind and compassionate
As for your current wife, make her your ex-wife ASAP


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Rocket Skates76 said:


> 2006 sent out 'feeler' message to me via MySpace. We were once in love teenagers who split up. *We jumped all in from there. EA and PA. Divorced then Married each other the following year.*


B76,

No intent on insulting you, just wondering? Are you really surprised she would cheat on you too?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

KevinZX said:


> I can fully sympathise, my wife cheated several times and i class her as a serial cheater, only promising me just a few years back that it would never happen again, alas, she now lives with a man who she had a six month affair and was a co-worker. Now the messy bit, photos, graphic sex chat with several men all at the same time a few years back. My wife is a racist as is her family, hate everybody that doesn't look like them, white trash. My wife in all the years i knew her (35) hated black people especially, i found out that she was away with work colleagues and she had a nights hot sex with a black man, now i am no psychiatrist but that must be either she has been lying for decades, or she is really sick. I will never appreciate or understand what goes through the minds of people who cannot say no to sex outside the marriage or relationship, it is destructive and immoral, on top of that the endless promises that end with the same repeat behaviour. I have in the last four weeks had an education from TAM and other sources into the thinking of the serial cheat, my wife was one, is one and will always be one, she is making promises of lasting love with her new man, new puppy today, maybe children tomorrow, either he is her cure or she is kidding herself again, WOW, what a fecking loser. My job as night shift taxi driver means i am confronted with offers of NSS, i am not only astonished but insulted, these woman are wives, G/F's and partners, i see it and i deplore it, people must start to behave and bring some morality to themselves and it would benefit society, maybe i am mad.
> 
> My heart goes out to you friend, you need to protect yourself as i bet she hasn't been fully truthful with you, all in all they lie and cheat to feed the void in their lives and everybody is their enemy, guard against this as you are a target for her.
> 
> ...


 @KevinZX her racism might have been protective colouration so that she would fit in with her family.

When away from home she was able to act differently which, sadly, was in a way that was harmful to the marriage.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

RWB said:


> B76,
> 
> No intent on insulting you, just wondering? Are you really surprised she would cheat on you too?


Well of course he was! Why? Because it is human nature.

It is always different. The stories are believed about the ex, our love is the love to end all loves, etc.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The big thing I remember things I have read about serial cheaters is that they have little chance of being cured. The problem requires long term, intense psychiatric help with little chance of success. I'm guessing that means they have problems with previous abuse from family or others. Another common theme was that many of them are narcissistic and very good looking. A friend of mine that was a serial cheat was very good looking, from divorced parents, only child and raised by well to do grand parents although his mother married a wealthy man.


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## Rocket Skates76 (Jun 24, 2017)

A couple things:

In a previous post, I took a beating for my truthfulness, but I understand why and it's ok. 

Affair fog or whatever you chose to call it is real. Yes, our marital beginnings were birthed in adulterous times. She left her husband, who at the time was involved with his own 'side-boo' and I left my wife who was completely innocent and undeserving. She reached out to me with a single MySpace message. I was surrounded by a life of contentment, albeit lacking much spark, and totally thru it away for a mirage my mind concocted. You can't explain it to someone who has not been in it. We were sexually as teenagers each other's "firsts."
She came from a well-to-do family; her father pastored a very large church and she was his worship leader for 15 years. 
About her:
Yes, she is extremely beautiful even for 40. 
When she was 13, she secretly dated a 20 year old who forced himself on her once. 
We met as 17 yr olds, and her father flew me to their town for two weeks and that is when her and I talked of marriage and the future together, and of course grew sexual. A few months later she broke it off w me and I never really recovered. She said she needed someone close, not long distance. She stayed involved in her fathers church and became very promiscuous with her now ex husband as a 17 yr old. 2 secret abortions which haunted her for years. 3 children who are beautiful kids I have now helped raise this past decade plus our 4 children we have had together. Looking at her though, you could never tell because, well, she's hot as hell. 

The fog I was in was, we were soulmates, and both made mistakes leaving each other as teenagers. 

The reality, she caused great harm to her previous marriage thru infidelity and a couple years later contacted me to cope with her failing marriage. Irregardless of her ex husbands affair. 

True I didn't know at the time about her previous affair, but I knew she was married. But we went all in. 

And so crazily enough, I never figured on anything other than a beautiful life together. Such is the disillusioned mind for the las ten years. 

So it's been now 2 1/2 weeks of hell. 

#1 PA
#2 PA
#3 EA
#4 somewhere in between I guess. 
There could be more still hidden.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Burton, you sound level headed enough, although I am sure the pain is still very great.

Move forward with the divorce. Limit your contact with her to talk of the kids only. When she brings up "us" (and it will happen), simply state:

"You are unable to be faithful to a husband. While I may forgive you in time, I will never trust you to be a romantic partner ever again. The best thing we can do is focus on being the good co-parents."

She will put out her feelers again. You will have to be strong enough to withstand her doing so.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Rocket Skates76 said:


> You can't explain it to someone who has not been in it. We were sexually as teenagers each other's "firsts."
> She came from a well-to-do family; her father pastored a very large church and she was his worship leader for 15 years.
> About her:
> Yes, she is extremely beautiful even for 40.
> ...


B76,

When I asked if you were surprised she would cheat on you too? I was really thinking about myself. I was shocked when I found out she had been serially cheating on me for years (near decade). In retrospect, it was just a matter of time, all she needed was someone to light the fuse. I never saw it coming.

See if this ring any bells?

My wife and I met young in college, still teenagers. I knew she had a lot BFs before me but so what who didn't. What I didn't know was they all were very sexual all the way back to early teens.

Prettiest girl in the room,
Only child syndrome,
Vain, but never showed it to the outside,
Very religious, Sunday school teacher,
Craved attention and praise, especially from males,
Chased her youth thru the 30's into her early 40's,
Extremely passive aggressive,
Could lie about anything and never blink an eye.

Yeah, I was surprised. I know of 3 EAPA affairs she had. 2 of them for years at a time. How many I don't know and how far they really go back? For all I know it could of started the day after the honeymoon.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

My father was active in the church all his life. I grew up friends with kids of several different pastors. Most were privately wild with risky behavior. 

They may all have been rebelling against daddy. Or pastor's kids don't get much self worth validation at home.


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

Defo not protective colouration, i saw it with my eyes and ears, no she is just a hypocrite, liar, cheat and hopefully gone for good, shame as she promised so much but delivered so little. I have toughened my attitude to her, part of 180, i was supposed to meet her today but i called it off, i leave her to stew.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


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## Hexagon (Jun 20, 2017)

RWB said:


> B76,
> 
> When I asked if you were surprised she would cheat on you too? I was really thinking about myself. I was shocked when I found out she had been serially cheating on me for years (near decade). In retrospect, it was just a matter of time, all she needed was someone to light the fuse. I never saw it coming.
> 
> ...


Its almost as if they are following a playbook.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Hexagon said:


> Its almost as if they are following a playbook.


.
Hex,

In most respects, they do. That playbook is more "imprinted" than printed I believe. 

Regrets... when I first suspected "gut feeling" I downplayed it. I did about everything wrong from a BS standpoint. 

Soft confront,
Let her convince me with tears, that I was the root of are marriage problems,
Ignored the Red Flags, in retrospect they were waving like halftime on a Friday night, 
Refused to believe the possibility, 15 minutes spent on CWI and I would of been armed with the know how.

Loss... a near decade of my life, stolen and confused :scratchhead: living in a facade of a marriage. 

Lesson Learned... In regards to Serial Cheaters... There's always More. At some point you just have to accept you will never know how deep the rabbit hole goes. Lastly, a horrible train wreck is the only reason they ever stop.

In some ways BS follow their own playbook?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Serial cheaters are selfish and probably narcissist.

Basically they cheat because they want to do it with no regard to the damage it causes to anyone else.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Rocket Skates76 said:


> Divorce has been filed. One year wait.





Rocket Skates76 said:


> 4 affairs she has admitted to.


Your waiting period should be WAIVED.


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