# I need advice.



## Bryan1988

Hi everyone. I need some helping hands, a shoulder to lean on, and some advice in what is the most difficult time of my life. 

My girlfriend of 12 years is checked out. In October of last year, things really turned bad and we haven't recovered since. In fact, it has gotten worse. I am fighting my ass off to save this relationship, but I'm afraid I'm way too late. She says she will not give this another chance. She refuses couples therapy. She will hardly even speak to me right now.

Yesterday, I made the mistake of opening her personal tablet, which contained some writings she did. One passage wrote of some man she met at a local bar, and ir sure seemed like she was smitten with him. I confronted her and things went totally crazy. She accused me of violating her privacy (which I did, no denial there) and denied that she was seeing anyone else. I haven't eaten since Sunday night (nearing two days ago now), and I can't sleep or focus on anything. Every time I try to talk to her about us she explodes at me. I have no idea what to do now. I am fully committed on fixing this. I know the love we shared when things were better and I truly feel like she is my soul mate. 

Over the past 12 years, I have been a very bad partner. I was selfish, uncaring, not affectionate enough, and generally took her for granted. I have been in therapy for 3 months and I feel like this has improved drastically. I am so ready to show her how much I have changed but she will not give me a chance. We share a son together and I want to work on our relationship while also providing all the love and care he needs. What should I do?


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## DownByTheRiver

I'm glad you're in therapy but it takes a lot longer than that to fix the kind of problems you had where you were bad to your partner. 

What happened last October?


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## BeyondRepair007

Bryan1988 said:


> Hi everyone. I need some helping hands, a shoulder to lean on, and some advice in what is the most difficult time of my life.
> 
> My girlfriend of 12 years is checked out. In October of last year, things really turned bad and we haven't recovered since. In fact, it has gotten worse. I am fighting my ass off to save this relationship, but I'm afraid I'm way too late. She says she will not give this another chance. She refuses couples therapy. She will hardly even speak to me right now.
> 
> Yesterday, I made the mistake of opening her personal tablet, which contained some writings she did. One passage wrote of some man she met at a local bar, and ir sure seemed like she was smitten with him. I confronted her and things went totally crazy. She accused me of violating her privacy (which I did, no denial there) and denied that she was seeing anyone else. I haven't eaten since Sunday night (nearing two days ago now), and I can't sleep or focus on anything. Every time I try to talk to her about us she explodes at me. I have no idea what to do now. I am fully committed on fixing this. I know the love we shared when things were better and I truly feel like she is my soul mate.
> 
> Over the past 12 years, I have been a very bad partner. I was selfish, uncaring, not affectionate enough, and generally took her for granted. I have been in therapy for 3 months and I feel like this has improved drastically. I am so ready to show her how much I have changed but she will not give me a chance. We share a son together and I want to work on our relationship while also providing all the love and care he needs. What should I do?


Dude, sorry to say but it looks like you woke up a little too late. She seems to be checked out and probably with the other guy already.

If she refuses to talk and refuses to go to counseling then there’s not much you can do.
She’s your girlfriend, so no messy divorce. That part is good.

Let her go, remember this lesson about how to treat women in your next relationship.

Even if you were the perfect partner I would say the same thing. Im sorry you’re hurt so bad by this, and yes, she is a cheater. But…you don’t really have anything left to save if she’s already checked out and seeing other guys.


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## Bryan1988

DownByTheRiver said:


> I'm glad you're in therapy but it takes a lot longer than that to fix the kind of problems you had where you were bad to your partner.
> 
> What happened last October?


I agree and think it will take a lot of time to fix my personal issues, but I am having trouble waiting and wondering if she is going out to find someone else. She goes out with girlfriends almost nightly, something she never did before.

As far as October, all the bad things that were going on in our relationship came to a head. I took her for granted, so much. She officially decided she checked out and I was almost to that point too. It wasn't until mid December that I decided to snap out of it and try to fix this. Right now I see myself as a fool who probably let the best thing that has ever happened to him walk away.


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## Bryan1988

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Dude, sorry to say but it looks like you woke up a little too late. She seems to be checked out and probably with the other guy already.
> 
> If she refuses to talk and refuses to go to counseling then there’s not much you can do.
> She’s your girlfriend, so no messy divorce. That part is good.
> 
> Let her go, remember this lesson about how to treat women in your next relationship.
> 
> Even if you were the perfect partner I would say the same thing. Im sorry you’re hurt so bad by this, and yes, she is a cheater. But…you don’t really have anything left to save if she’s already checked out and seeing other guys.


You may be right. I waited too long. I however do believe her when she says she isn't seeing someone else right now. She has always been brutally honest with me about most things, even if she knew it would hurt me badly.


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## jonty30

Bryan1988 said:


> Hi everyone. I need some helping hands, a shoulder to lean on, and some advice in what is the most difficult time of my life.
> 
> My girlfriend of 12 years is checked out. In October of last year, things really turned bad and we haven't recovered since. In fact, it has gotten worse. I am fighting my ass off to save this relationship, but I'm afraid I'm way too late. She says she will not give this another chance. She refuses couples therapy. She will hardly even speak to me right now.
> 
> Yesterday, I made the mistake of opening her personal tablet, which contained some writings she did. One passage wrote of some man she met at a local bar, and ir sure seemed like she was smitten with him. I confronted her and things went totally crazy. She accused me of violating her privacy (which I did, no denial there) and denied that she was seeing anyone else. I haven't eaten since Sunday night (nearing two days ago now), and I can't sleep or focus on anything. Every time I try to talk to her about us she explodes at me. I have no idea what to do now. I am fully committed on fixing this. I know the love we shared when things were better and I truly feel like she is my soul mate.
> 
> Over the past 12 years, I have been a very bad partner. I was selfish, uncaring, not affectionate enough, and generally took her for granted. I have been in therapy for 3 months and I feel like this has improved drastically. I am so ready to show her how much I have changed but she will not give me a chance. We share a son together and I want to work on our relationship while also providing all the love and care he needs. What should I do?


If she's done, she's done.
Use the therapy to deal with yourself and set her free.
Treat the next person as you should have treated her.


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## BeyondRepair007

Bryan1988 said:


> I agree and think it will take a lot of time to fix my personal issues, but I am having trouble waiting and wondering if she is going out to find someone else. She goes out with girlfriends almost nightly, something she never did before.
> 
> As far as October, all the bad things that were going on in our relationship came to a head. I took her for granted, so much. She officially decided she checked out and I was almost to that point too. It wasn't until mid December that I decided to snap out of it and try to fix this. Right now I see myself as a fool who probably let the best thing that has ever happened to him walk away.


Don’t be too hard on yourself.
I’m a guy and I know we can be ummm ‘thick’ sometimes.

The best thing you can do is to take this whole 12 year lesson in life and use it to not screw up the next 12 years. We’re on a journey and you just realized you have gone the wrong way by how you treat your girl. Ok, stop, turn around, and do the right thing.

Let her go.
Get your head straightened out, find some friends to talk to, go play pool with the boys. It’s hard, but you can do it. Been there done that.


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## BeyondRepair007

Oh, and stay away from booze for bit. There’s a strong temptation to drink this pain away. BTDT again jeeze.

It will only make things worse and there’s a risk you won’t be able to kick it so you can recover. Best to stay away from it for a bit.

Take care Bryan. Lift yourself up and take another step.


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## thunderchad

It sounds like she's already checked out. There's normally no coming back from this. The best thing you can do is the 180 and live your life as if she's no longer in it.


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## Captain Obvious

Yeah it sounds like she is finished with the relationship, nothing you can do but accept it and move on, be the best dad you can be. Granted that’s much easier said than done.


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## Bryan1988

These are not the replies I was hoping for, but I understand where you're all coming from. I have read articles that say one spouse fighting for the relationship can work. Maybe I'm wrong in doing that, but I can't just give up. This is so hard.


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## Openminded

No, one spouse fighting for the relationship doesn’t work. If it did I’d still be married and so would many others.


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## DownByTheRiver

Bryan1988 said:


> I agree and think it will take a lot of time to fix my personal issues, but I am having trouble waiting and wondering if she is going out to find someone else. She goes out with girlfriends almost nightly, something she never did before.
> 
> As far as October, all the bad things that were going on in our relationship came to a head. I took her for granted, so much. She officially decided she checked out and I was almost to that point too. It wasn't until mid December that I decided to snap out of it and try to fix this. Right now I see myself as a fool who probably let the best thing that has ever happened to him walk away.


Did you make plans to separate and move apart? Because it seems like she is considering herself single now. Either that or she just doesn't want to be at home with you anymore than necessary so she's hanging out with friends. You may not be able to salvage this if she's already sure she doesn't want to stay but it seems like someone should have made a move toward getting their own place if you're breaking up.

I had to go reread your first post and it doesn't say what I was looking for but since you said that was your partner I was assuming you were living together. If that's not the case, she simply single now.


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## Bryan1988

DownByTheRiver said:


> Did you make plans to separate and move apart? Because it seems like she is considering herself single now. Either that or she just doesn't want to be at home with you anymore than necessary so she's hanging out with friends. You may not be able to salvage this if she's already sure she doesn't want to stay but it seems like someone should have made a move toward getting their own place if you're breaking up.


I moved out for one month in February, but it was stated that I would be moving back. We were mostly getting along during that time, but I don't know if it's because she was happy to be rid of me or if the space was working to help fix our relationship. I can't fathom the thought of living without my son. Him and I are bonded to the core. That's a part of the reason I want to fix this so badly.


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## jonty30

Bryan1988 said:


> These are not the replies I was hoping for, but I understand where you're all coming from. I have read articles that say one spouse fighting for the relationship can work. Maybe I'm wrong in doing that, but I can't just give up. This is so hard.


We understand that.
However, in general, women are long in patience in getting relationships to work and to allow their man to prove himself.
However, once you have lost her, she stays lost.
Supplication doesn't work in the long run.


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## DownByTheRiver

Bryan1988 said:


> I moved out for one month in February, but it was stated that I would be moving back. We were mostly getting along during that time, but I don't know if it's because she was happy to be rid of me or if the space was working to help fix our relationship. I can't fathom the thought of living without my son. Him and I are bonded to the core. That's a part of the reason I want to fix this so badly.


Regardless what happens between you and the mother you will not have to live without your son if you are your son's father which I assume you are; you can get 50% joint custody of your son if you two permanently separate because he's half yours. That's if you're in the US. You can always Google what the norm is for wherever You are. But you would have to do something really awful to get your son taken away from you.


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## Mr.Married

You are so late that not only has the train left the station but the tracks have rusted away. 

You drug her around on the girlfriend rope for 12 years. Let her go so she can go have her fun and then find someone to commit. You are the last thing she is interested in….. give it up.


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## In Absentia

It really hurts when all of a sudden you open your eyes, want to fix things, but it's too late. You will learn to live with it (eventually).


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## Anastasia6

Sounds like it’s done to me.

You aren’t married so it’s easy to split just like you did in February.

I wish I could give you more hope but I am having trouble seeing it. You treated her badly, took her for granted, showed her you were leaving when you moved out. She’s done working or done with detaching.

Why would she reattach? 

So why did you live together 12 years and have a child without marriage? Was this you , or her. I ask because whoever wouldn’t commit usually thinks it’s no big deal and in the process huge resentment is building in the other party. So was it you letting her know she wasn’t good enough or was she the hold out. Either way that doesn’t bode well for reattachment either.


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## bygone

Seninle 12 yıl oldu ve sen bunu görmezden geldiğini kabul ediyorsun.

Kız arkadaşınızın yeni birini bulduğunu fark ettiğinizde onu geri almaya karar verirsiniz.

Kız arkadaşın neden çelişkilerini ve güvensizliklerini yeniden yaşamak istesin ki?

12 yıldır seninleydi! bir çocuğun var. Anne olarak sorumlulukları var.

ilişkiniz onu sizinle bir gelecek konusunda güvensiz yaptı.

Kendisine saygı duyulduğunu, güvenildiğini ve hatta sevildiğini hissettirmeyen birinden ayrılması normaldir.

Ondan terapi almasını isteyemezsiniz çünkü yapması gerekeni yaptı.


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## jonty30

bygone said:


> Seninle 12 yıl oldu ve sen bunu görmezden geldiğini kabul ediyorsun.
> 
> Kız arkadaşınızın yeni birini bulduğunu fark ettiğinizde onu geri almaya karar verirsiniz.
> 
> Kız arkadaşın neden çelişkilerini ve güvensizliklerini yeniden yaşamak istesin ki?
> 
> 12 yıldır seninleydi! bir çocuğun var. Anne olarak sorumlulukları var.
> 
> ilişkiniz onu sizinle bir gelecek konusunda güvensiz yaptı.
> 
> Kendisine saygı duyulduğunu, güvenildiğini ve hatta sevildiğini hissettirmeyen birinden ayrılması normaldir.
> 
> Ondan terapi almasını isteyemezsiniz çünkü yapması gerekeni yaptı.


Just translating.

It's been 12 years with you and you admit to ignoring it. When you realize that your girlfriend has found someone new, you decide to take her back. Why would your girlfriend want to relive her conflicts and insecurities? It was with you for 12 years! you have a child. She has responsibilities as a mother. Your relationship has made him insecure about a future with you. It's normal to break up with someone who doesn't feel respected, trusted, or even loved. You can't ask him to get therapy because he did what he had to do.


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## The Narcissist's Wife

She has most definitely checked out..and relationships require both people wanting to make it work. It sounds as if her feelings for you have changed and there may be no fixing that. You should let her go and you never know, she may come back around..but I do know the more you try to fix something she is done with..the further you will push her away. I am glad you are able to take responsibility for your wrongs that is a huge step but it sounds as if it came too late. Good Luck. Give her the freedom she desires or she will feel trapped and get resentful and hate you. She may begin to miss you and your relationship over time and those feelings from before may come back..but who knows..by then you could have also moved on.


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## David60525

Bryan1988 said:


> Hi everyone. I need some helping hands, a shoulder to lean on, and some advice in what is the most difficult time of my life.
> 
> My girlfriend of 12 years is checked out. In October of last year, things really turned bad and we haven't recovered since. In fact, it has gotten worse. I am fighting my ass off to save this relationship, but I'm afraid I'm way too late. She says she will not give this another chance. She refuses couples therapy. She will hardly even speak to me right now.
> 
> Yesterday, I made the mistake of opening her personal tablet, which contained some writings she did. One passage wrote of some man she met at a local bar, and ir sure seemed like she was smitten with him. I confronted her and things went totally crazy. She accused me of violating her privacy (which I did, no denial there) and denied that she was seeing anyone else. I haven't eaten since Sunday night (nearing two days ago now), and I can't sleep or focus on anything. Every time I try to talk to her about us she explodes at me. I have no idea what to do now. I am fully committed on fixing this. I know the love we shared when things were better and I truly feel like she is my soul mate.
> 
> Over the past 12 years, I have been a very bad partner. I was selfish, uncaring, not affectionate enough, and generally took her for granted. I have been in therapy for 3 months and I feel like this has improved drastically. I am so ready to show her how much I have changed but she will not give me a chance. We share a son together and I want to work on our relationship while also providing all the love and care he needs. What should I do?


Don't pursue, no contact. She will crawl back. The give her the boot. You get with her again
You will become a kitten


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## ABHale

Zombie Thread!!!! @MattMatt we need a new zombie gif.


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## Affaircare




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## LonelyHiker

Sorry to say this, but as a man who had the same thing happen, you cannot fix this. Once they check out, they check out; especially since you found notes about her possibly liking another man. The best thing you can do now is the 180 and start putting in place now the hooks to have your son 1/2 the time and don't waver on that no matter what is said or what she pitches for joint custody (as long as you are good father). When it comes to your son, you have every right to see him 1/2 the time (last I checked, 26 of the 50 states in the US were pushing legislation that parenting time would start at 50/50).

Don't move out again until you have a plan to have your son with you 1/2 the time (the courts can consider that abandonment or will look at the current arrangement should you ever have to go to court); However, since you are NOT married, i'm not sure how this plays out legally in the courts if you want or have to fight for the parenting time.

Read up on the 180 plan. But remember, at this point, its NOT to win her back. I struggled with that in the beginning as I too wanted to save my marriage. But the sooner you begin to process the fact that its over, the sooner your healing journey can begin. And the sooner you engage the 180 for YOURSELF, the easier it will be to handle the grief your going to have to process through. 

But don't get discouraged, most of us on here have had to process the grief and we were able to survive; as will you.

Keep reaching out for support and remember, you are not alone.


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