# Simply Devastated



## Damselfish

Never ever in my wildest dreams.

I am so strong on the outside, but inside I am a mess. I need to connect with people who know what this feels like. My family cannot relate to me and I've never been so alone in my whole entire 44 years on this planet. 

I have 2 dear friends who are there for me, but they also have lives....I have 3 young girls I have to be strong for.

The pain is excruciating and paralyzing. I am not in IC, I simply cannot afford. I hate to sound whiny - that's just not who I am. 

I filed May '13 and we finalized March 11 this year. Earlier in the process I was much better, but now I am scared? Why is that?

It feels like appendages are being ripped off my body. Can anyone relate? How did you cope? I know to exercise, eat, sleep.

Help, please.
Damselfish


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## EnjoliWoman

Assuming ATX is in the US? 

I'm sorry this is so painful for you. IC really is the way to go and you CAN afford it. I did when I was unemployed. Contact your local United Family Services. They are a division of United Way and they offer individual, couples and family counseling. I took my daughter during the divorce process and consulted with the counselor on ways I could help her adjust, how to answer her questions appropriately or address things she said that were obviously things ex told her.

They can help you reconcile your feelings. You are scared because it's real now. It just now hit you exactly what happened, and now you have to look at the future. Uncertainty can be paralyzing if you don't embrace change as a positive thing. 

Focus on plans for your girls. Research free/inexpensive activities. Think of things that are important to you - life lessons that you want to impart.


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## EnjoliWoman

Do you know why you feel torn apart? You know you did everything you could to save your marriage. Do you feel guilty about the girls? Stretched too thin? Spinning helplessly in space/directionless? If you can pinpoint why you have this feeling, maybe we can brainstorm of some ways to combat that.


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## DoF

OP, in time everything will be ok. Just give it time and don't worry about it too much. Worries are worthless anyways....

Just focus on your daughters/kids for time being.

In time, you will feel MUCH MUCH better and be happy again. 

Healing after long term relationship/marriage doesn't happen overnight.

Also, whatever you do, do NOT get into new relationship until you are completely healed/over it and ready. This can take 6 months to a year+.

Best advice I can give you.


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## Damselfish

Enjoli,

Thank you for your wonderful tip on counselling. I will pursue that. 

Yes, I feel everything you describe, the guilt, stretched thin, but do manage nonetheless. I am also having difficult securing a job that pays well. I have been a p/t preschool teacher for my whole married life and can no longer do what I love. I don't have a teaching certificate or degree. I could kick myself for not having completed college; I just never thought I'd better finish just in case my husband leaves me..... 

I do much better when my girls are with me; when they go to Disney World (his house) I end up isolating, which I know is bad. I do have a girls' night planned tonight, however...it's so hard to be alone. I hate it. I did get a dog, and I'm not particularly a dog person.

DoF - Thank you for your kind words. Everything you said is true and I know this...it is just so hard to vent it sometimes, and I appreciate you for your reply. I am so totally emotionally crippled right now, there is NO way I would ever give myself to another now, and probably ever. 

How do you ever trust again? I trusted and loved and confided in and was vulnerable with him and and he stabbed me in the back. I would rather take a bullet than feel this kind of pain.

I know it takes time and patience. It's just so hard to even breathe right now

Sorry to sound so whiny. It feels good to vent the toxicity of this whole thing.

Damselfish
(Austin TX)


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## Dollystanford

You can trust again but it takes time. For the first year after my marriage fell apart I couldn't imagine being with another person and letting myself get emotionally attached, certainly never getting married again

But two years on and I feel differently - yes sometimes you look around you and all you seem to see are happy couples everywhere but guess what? They all have their own problems. Don't let the actions of one person define your future relationships

Give yourself time to heal, it will happen


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## DoF

Damselfish said:


> DoF - Thank you for your kind words. Everything you said is true and I know this...it is just so hard to vent it sometimes, and I appreciate you for your reply. I am so totally emotionally crippled right now, there is NO way I would ever give myself to another now, and probably ever.


You should feel emotionally crippled. 

When I feel down I always like to get out and do physical activity. Go for a walk, play sport, be active!!!

Little activity will go a LONG way towards your healing.

But there is no going around time....



Damselfish said:


> How do you ever trust again? I trusted and loved and confided in and was vulnerable with him and and he stabbed me in the back. I would rather take a bullet than feel this kind of pain.


Don't let one man destroy you, what you desire/or want for yourself. That would mean he wins. You can't let him win!!!

In time you will trust again and you will be 10x better than you were to begin with.



Damselfish said:


> I know it takes time and patience. It's just so hard to even breathe right now
> 
> Sorry to sound so whiny. It feels good to vent the toxicity of this whole thing.
> 
> Damselfish
> (Austin TX)


No, these are all normal/natural feelings. You are not whiny at all.

Get out there and do little running....go out with friends....spend time with family/kids.......

Try to take your mind off this feeling and don't dwell on it too much.

I know it's easier said then done.....


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## Damselfish

Thank you, ladies, SO much. Your words have lifted me up.

I have been through every mourning process since last May - except depression part, which I think I am in...and I cannot wait for acceptance to get here.

I am taking 7 bubbly 10-year-old girls to birthday party in an hour. This will help ease pain for a short time.

Onwards and Upwards

Damselfish


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## unsure78

The others are correct all things heal with time... I have heard many times here that they could never trust or love again.... but in time the heart heals... in the meantime work on yourself and be the best you can be with the kids... it does get better
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fenix

Ah, Damselfish, you are in the right place. 

Don't worry about the whining/venting.

Take it a day at a time and focus on yourself and your girls. Things will work out. Exercise, don't drink too much etc. You now have the freedom to create the life you want. Learn how to trust yourself again first. That is key. Life will continue to throw you curve balls but if you trust that you will be able to get through them, then you won't live a life based in fear.

I disagree a little bit about the relationship thing. I don't see anything wrong with a ST fun-based relationship with someone who is on the same page as you. IF you start feeling it, go for it, but don't push yourself into it. IYKWIM.

When you feel the fear starting to overwhelm you, focus on what you have done right. Focus on your strengths and your dreams and visualize how you want your life to be. Then, go for a good, hard run.


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## DoF

Damselfish said:


> Thank you, ladies, SO much.


Not a lady. 



Damselfish said:


> Your words have lifted me up.
> 
> I have been through every mourning process since last May - except depression part, which I think I am in...and I cannot wait for acceptance to get here.
> 
> I am taking 7 bubbly 10-year-old girls to birthday party in an hour. This will help ease pain for a short time.
> 
> Onwards and Upwards
> 
> Damselfish


Depression (not severe) is simply a human emotion that EVERYONE goes through during their life. 

Have fun with your family, smile, everything will be ok in time.

Mind control is one of our most powerful tools. Try to steer it away from what bothers you and keep busy.



Good luck


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## indiecat

Many churches run DivorceCare sessions, they cost $20 for the whole series. They are very supportive, and address how depression is a necessary part of the healing process. They have a good website.

One of my therapists taught me the ACT principle. A for accepting what we can't change, C for having compassion for ourselves, and T for trusting in the process of life. 

When you don't have your girls it would be good to go out walking, or window shopping, go out with your girlfriends, join a Meetup group, read self help books from the library.


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## Freak On a Leash

I don't know what the details of your marriage and divorce are Damselfish, but I'm getting that you are newly divorced and still in some shock, I will repost here what I posted in another thread and hope it provides some insight. I wish you the best of luck. 

Believe it or not the worst time can be right after the divorce. I think this comes as a shock to many because they think they should be having a party the day after it's settled but for most this isn't the case, especially if they didn't want or expect the divorce. 

It's normal to be in a state of shock or denial once the anger that spurred you on during the process suddenly is gone. Now what you feel is depression, emptiness and despair as you realize that your marriage is indeed over. That you are once again on your own, single and alone.

We all go into our marriages believing that this will be the person we will love and spend the rest of our lives with. We have kids with our spouse, dreams of building a life, growing old with them.

Then it blows up and just ends. And you are standing in the pile of ashes that was your marriage and wondering where to go next. It's daunting and yes, depressing and unsettling. What you are feeling is NORMAL. I felt it too and I drove to the divorce hearing WITH my STBX (we were rather friendly at that time, oddly enough) and was quite content the day of my divorce. But later on I felt a bit unsettled and sad. It lasted for a day or two but I would think that for most it would last days, weeks and yes, even years. 

I was lucky because I had wanted to end my marriage for years and then had years of separation and living on my own and it was my decision to file and end it. It was also a long, drawn out process and I had time to adjust mentally and financially to the changes. The divorce was just a formality. 

But for many, this isn't the case. It happens suddenly, all at once and many don't want it and even for those who do, it's a major step, a huge adjustment to make. I have friends who cursed their STBX's routinely all through the months and years of their divorce proceedings and they assumed that when D-Day came they'd be all set to party hardy and be living large.

Instead they were shocked to see how depressed and upset they were. It took time and effort, but they got over it and are doing well but it's not like it happened overnight. You have to give yourself a break on this and understand divorce is indeed like a death and requires the same steps. 

Just like every other disruption or major change in our lives, time heals all wounds. You forge ahead, keep busy and yes, if you need support and help, by all means get it. There's no shame in being normal and it's completely normal to be depressed and upset after your divorce. It's now your time to mourn and pamper yourself so go ahead and do it. 

But remember that in many ways, especially after a bad marriage...Life starts now...Remember to be open to that because if you are continuously looking backwards while walking forward, you will stumble and fall flat on your face.


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## Damselfish

Thank you again for kind replies. I am soaking everything in as fast as I can.

We do have divorce care at our church, next session starts late April. I NEED that. The kids went through divorce care for kids for 13 weeks. They hated every minute, but I am positive seeds of care were planted...

I've been doing a lot of shoulda coulda woulda and the record player is on full blast. This is so difficult to stop! Trying to reconcile what has happened, what is lost. I used to embrace my time off, when the kids go to him, and now I just dread it. I reach out to friends as much as I can, but I just can't get satiated. It's never enough. 

As I wrote the above, I sat and read it over and over. I can see where I am making my mistakes and not using mind control, not getting out enough, not pampering myself, but only existing and basic survival.

There are so many tentacles when it comes to divorce. I feel like they're all whipping around me and I can't control any of them right now


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## Freak On a Leash

You need to take that time away from your kids and focus on YOURSELF. Do fun things, take up hobbies, whether it's walking in the woods or stamp collecting. Make it about YOU. Heck, just sitting in a quiet house with a glass of wine and listening to your favorite music is awesome. I still love doing that. Don't look to your kids to fill that open hole because they have to adjust too and need to have as normal and stable a life as possible and it's up to YOU to give that to them. 

Also, beware of depending on your RL friends to hold you up. That's what this place is for. It's also why Divorce Support groups are awesome!  

Trust me, your friends will get real tired of hearing about it. As someone who has been on both sides I can attest to this. My friends who recently got divorced (or are in the process of doing so) have handled it different ways. Some are obviously angry or upset and they rant a bit and eventually move on. I'm all about supporting them and being there for them. During those times when things pull them down, I'm glad to help pull them up...to a point. 

But the ones who still go on and on about it after the fact..well, I have to say that at first I was all sympathetic and listened to their rants about how horrible their exes are, etc, etc. But after awhile it gets old. When we're at a party or bar and I'm looking to have a good time and talk about the weather or whatever and here comes the rant about the "Evil X", it's like "Uh oh, not again" :slap:

I'm sorry, but after awhile, it's gets old. It's like asking someone how they feel and every time they start describing every little ache and pain. After awhile, you dread asking how they are doing and then you start avoiding them. 

So beware falling into that with your buds, even if they APPEAR to be listening and sympathetic they are likely rolling their eyes and looking for a convenient escape route. 

The worst thing you can do is to go over and over again in your head about "shoulda, coulda, woulda". If I did that I'd be in a padded cell with two straps around me someplace. We all do that but you have to throw the switch and get on with your life. There's no going back..only forward. 

I don't know the details of your divorce but if you thought everything was awesome and great and suddenly he had an affair or just said "I'm outta here" and left you high and dry, then yeah, you are going to get hit a LOT harder than someone (like myself) who had 20 years of crap and wasn't surprised at all when it blew up. 

I don't blame myself for much that went wrong in our marriage because he was crappy too. I'm just pissed at myself for not leaving EARLIER because I was paralyzed by fear of what he'd do. I will say that during the marriage we both threw sh!t at each other so it wasn't anyone's fault really. He was the bad man in the end but I had my evil/bad side too. It was sad but when it ended it was rather anticlimactic and a relief for both of us. 

Time will help and one day you'll be looking back on this with a rather distant and dispassionate outlook. Almost like a scientist surveying the results of an experiment gone bad. It'll get better but you need to work at it and give it time. 

You are at the point where your marriage/divorce isl like an open wound where the scab has barely formed. It has to harden, heal up and fall off. Then new skin forms and eventually all you'll have is a scar and some new, tougher skin. It never goes away but it doesn't hurt as much. 

There's another analogy again...


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## Damselfish

Thanks, Freak. 

I feel so much better after reading your reply (and others). In the past, when dealt crap, I have always been super strong (at least that's what I've been told). This is by far the worst thing ever, though.

I will post here more often and lay off my friends. I will try and make my conversations with them less about me, more about them. I will not expect my kids to fill that hole that used to be my heart. I will get up and do something good for myself.

and thanks for the great analogies

DF


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## Freak On a Leash

DEFINITELY post here instead of bending your friends ears. :smthumbup: That's what we are here for. Plus you'll keep your friends! When they start getting that cornered, panic striken look on their face everytime they see you coming towards them that's NOT a good thing!! 

Just use them for fun stuff. They will appreciate it..trust me! People, even friends, don't want to hear about drama. I have little patience for it and I have to admit, I've crossed off more than one person off my list who has constantly bombarded me with their drama. We all do it, I'm guilty of it too but I've learned that support groups and forums like this are the way to go. 

As for your kids. I've made the mistake of talking too much about things to my kids, especially my daughter. It's the problem you run into when you have a very close relationship with an older child, as I do.

You have to keep in mind that they are your KIDS, not your friends and expect that one day they will be off, doing their own thing and they deserve to be doing just that. 

Yes, they love you and care about you but as they become teenagers they become, well..a *bit* self absorbed and a lot more independent. That's when YOU have to get your own life. That's the challenge and reality of being a parent. We are good parents if we raise our kids so they can go off and leave us. Sad but true. 

Don't worry, that hole will be filled soon. But don't be looking for someone else to fill it. Not your friends, your kids or another man. YOU have to fill that hole. Only then will you be truly happy and self sufficient and ready to embark on a healthy relationship, if and should you want to. 

Or you can be like me and just be by yourself, stay up 'til 4 am playing computer games and watching _Star Trek_ reruns on Netflix and go out and get drunk anytime you want. Something to be said for that. :smthumbup:


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## Hardtohandle

DSF..

Like many have said it gets better. It always does, just need to endure this pain to get to that point.. Early on in my divorce I couldn't handle it.. I couldn't take my wife leaving me. 

A little over a year later I am singing another song.. 

With Austin being so NYC Village like I can't see there being any sort of free counseling of some sort.. Or a group of sorts.. 

Why not start one from here.. I've seen several people from Austin posting here.

But I'm telling you keeping this stuff bottled up is no good. I spoke to everyone about my divorce and my Ex wife.. I didn't care one bit.. It is what I NEEDED TO DO to move on.. That whole notion of don't people your business is utter bullsh1t.. Do whats good for you to get over it.

Dating will bring back your confidence.. Women rule in this department fortunately for you being a woman.

Look even if you put up a profile just to see its good. When you see all the guys that are asking you out its a good feeling. You realize that getting a date isn't an issue.. 

Again you don't need to answer any, just to see what this whole online dating is about is good enough.. 

Personally I made a fake account and checked out Plenty of Fish for 3 months before making up a real account and stepping into the water..

What you need to be careful of is the games that many men play on online dating sites.. But again just do it as a confidence builder for now.. See what is out there..

You will come to discover like I did that their are people that are better looking, better shape and make more money then your Ex and they want to be with you or date you.. 

Again I'm a guy so imagine how hard it is for me and I am telling you this out of my own confidence and experience. 

You will realize eventually why was I going crazy over this ? 

Unfortunately that journey is different for everyone. Personally I had a large social network being the social butterfly that I am and was able to recover much quicker in many aspects then others might have.. 

But keeping this inside is just going to delay your recovery.. 

Also I promise if you get past your rebound boyfriend it becomes much easier. 

Just keep posting here.. Same thread.. Don't keep making new ones.. 

My story is in my signature. You can see what a sap I was in the beginning. Again I was looking to end my life at one point and I turned it around so I know this stuff is hard.. Like everyone who has been down that road you feel foolish and always say *"WTF was I thinking ??"*

And yes I still buckle once in a while, but its NEVER as bad as that point.

Keep posting. Keep talking


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## Freak On a Leash

:lol: :lol: THAT'S right..you are feeling lost, confused, depressed, lacking in confidence? Make sure you surf the net and hook up with complete strangers, half of whom are probably married and the other half looking to score. :slap:

Spend your days locked and loaded onto a computer screen and/or your phone answering texts and emails and engaging in cyber romance. And then go out on a blind date and discover that the hot looking 6' 1' 40 year old is actually 65, half blind, 80lbs overweight and 5' 8". :rofl: THAT will make you feel better! 

If you keep doing this over and over again it will be like getting hit over the head with a hammer 30 times in a row. After the first ten times you won't feel a thing! 

BUT after you go through this kind of personal Hell you will surely get your mind off your failed marriage and divorce. If you are like one of my friends you might even get a nasty, recurring, sexually transmitted disease that is kind enough to visit you each month and remind you of how smart you were to head out into the dating/singles world first thing after the breakup of your marriage, when your self esteem, confidence and judgment are at an all time low.

But YOU WILL feel better when you wake up the next morning after being with "What's his name" and all you have left to remember him by is the stain on your sheets. 

Maybe it's different for men, but VERY FEW women I have talked to who rush into the dating world, especially OLD, have anything positive to say. If you are lucky you might emerge pretty much the same as you were as you went in. But more likely you become even more angry, cynical, rejected and lonelier then you were before. 

The above post was written by a guy and for SOME guys, going out and dating, getting a "rebound" girlfriend, having sex, etc..may indeed boost their self esteem and confidence. But for us women, it's usually a different scenario. Think of the things about your marriage that you want and miss. Stability, companionship. Trust. Loyalty. Think you'll get that out in the online dating world? In a "rebound" relationship? Go play the lottery, you have better odds of winning. 

We in the post feminist era might not want to admit it, but men and women ARE different. To have the kind of relationship you probably want, where you can have give and take and be able to make sound decisions and use proper judgment, YOU have to be mentally healthy, stable, independent and strong. Do you feel that way? Well, I'd say 'NO'..OTHERWISE you wouldn't have started this post! So that answers that question. 

Wait until you no longer have to start threads like this one to go out and date. When you look back on this thread and all that went into writing it as a bad dream, something you can look back and no longer relate to, then you are ready to go out and give of yourself to someone else and have the knowledge to know if they can do the same. Be patient for yourself, you kids and for anyone else out there you might grow attached to and develop feelings for.

Relationships aren't all about taking, it's about giving too and the way you are feeling right now, do you really have anything of yourself to give? Now is the time for it to be about you. How to rebuild your life and become a new you and start over so that you don't feel devastated and lost. 



> But I'm telling you keeping this stuff bottled up is no good. I spoke to everyone about my divorce and my Ex wife.. I didn't care one bit.. It is what I NEEDED TO DO to move on.. That whole notion of don't people your business is utter bullsh1t.. Do whats good for you to get over it.


:lol: :lol::rofl: I'm sure this dude is very popular at parties. NOT. :slap:


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## Damselfish

Freak, dating is no where on the radar, right now or in the foreseeable future. The thought makes me want to vomit I cannot imagine how people can do that; he did that, but then he really didn't love me, after all.

Thank you, HTH, for your insight and encouragement.

I am going to make a conscious effort to do one nice thing for me and someone else every single day. And keep posting here.


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## Freak On a Leash

When you become more settled and whole again you will probably change your mind about dating. Most do. It's not a bad thing to date but it can be if you aren't ready for it. 

I think I'm ready for it. I just don't want to. I had a friend say to me recently, "I don't think you are ready to give of yourself in a relationship." I was the first one to agree with him. I'm in "selfish" mode and I have no problem with that. I might always be in that mode. I think that's just the way I am. 

Now is the time to be selfish when it comes to your"self". You can't make someone else feel good if you aren't feeling good yourself.


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## Damselfish

That sounds so refreshing. I want to embrace my new life like that! I know...time time time


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## Freak On a Leash

It took me awhile to get to this point. It helped when I got over my ex husband and just learned to like my life as it is now. No contact with the ex was the key. Or at least keeping it minimal. And keeping yourself busy. Getting/doing new hobbies, making friends. And focusing on the here and now, instead of what was.


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## Fenix

Well, I don't disagree with HTH. When you are ready, dating is a great confidence builder. You just have to do it right. I don't believe that you should not talk about it either. People ask, I answer. I am not ashamed. Do I want to dwell or bore others? No, but I also don't hide my story. Too much venting here can be counter productive.


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## Damselfish

How can too much venting be counter productive? I can see how it can get old after a while....


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## Damselfish

I mentioned before, much earlier in this process (May 13) I was doing so well and so strong - spurred by anger as a result of being lied to and deceived for so long. I never wanted this divorce.

Why now...

I want to reach out to him so bad and say "really, is this what you really wanted? Was it that bad and this is so much better? will you consider us a lost cause forever? Isn't our family much more important than our own selfish wants?"

Crazy talk! Has anyone else experienced this crazy notion? If so, has anyone ever followed through and what were results? Is this normal????? why the HELL would I want that back after all the crap.

This is all still so new, just trying to purge this...

Also learned my very bestest friend for the last 8 years is moving back to CA, and she has walked with me every step of the way.

Focus on blessings, focus on blessings, focus on blessings.


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## Freak On a Leash

Damselfish said:


> How can too much venting be counter productive? I can see how it can get old after a while....


Too much of ANYTHING can be counterproductive. If you spend all your time here obsessing and not dealing with and living your life then it's counterproductive. And if your friends ask how you are doing and you want to answer in an honest way, then that's fine but to go on and on and on about the same thing to the point where people avoid you. THAT is counterproductive. You have to know your audience. It's like any social interaction. 

Sometimes too much is just that..too much. 

Here? We don't know you and much of us are going through or have gone through the same thing. Also, we can just skip your threads or posts if we want. It's not personal.  It's the beauty of the anonymous forum. It's also cheaper than therapy. 

I think dating is a VERY touchy and personal thing and it's like playing with fire. It can warm and comfort you but it can also burn and hurt you. If you are emotionally stable and strong and have something to OFFER as well as the wanting then by all means go and date.

I can't speak for others, only for myself, I'm going by THIS thread when I offer advice HERE and I'm thinking "no way should you date". I take the situation of the person asking the advice in account when I answer on a thread.


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## Freak On a Leash

Damselfish said:


> I mentioned before, much earlier in this process (May 13) I was doing so well and so strong - spurred by anger as a result of being lied to and deceived for so long. I never wanted this divorce.
> 
> Why now...
> 
> I want to reach out to him so bad and say "really, is this what you really wanted? Was it that bad and this is so much better? will you consider us a lost cause forever? Isn't our family much more important than our own selfish wants?"
> 
> Crazy talk! Has anyone else experienced this crazy notion? If so, has anyone ever followed through and what were results? Is this normal????? why the HELL would I want that back after all the crap.
> 
> This is all still so new, just trying to purge this...


Because you are still dealing/grieving your divorce. It's a multi-step process over a long period of time. 

Read this:

The 5 Stages of Grieving the End of a Relationship | Psychology Today

At first you were angry and you drew strength from that. Your anger got you going. Now you are bargaining and feeling depressed. 

Work through it because eventually acceptance WILL happen but it takes TIME. 

And that's another reason you SHOULD NOT date. Because you haven't worked through your grief. I know you've had the good sense to say you aren't interested in dating but that could change as you work through the process.


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## Damselfish

Thanks, again, Freak, for being here for me. I read the article and know the stages. Guess just trying to get there too fast. I will try and be more patient....


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## Freak On a Leash

Don't worry..you'll get there! :smthumbup: We've all been through it. In the end you will emerge stronger and smarter. And you'll look back and all this and feel proud that got through it all.


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## Damselfish

Whew, finally a day I didn't obsess and first day I haven't cried in a while!

I spent the weekend with friends, did a lot of walking, volunteered at a 5K, even got a full-time job (starts 9th), not ideal, but it's something, and I had another interview today, a job fair tomorrow, and another interview on Wednesday (hoping a better-paying job surfaces). I've been a sahm for the last 8 years, jumping back into the workforce has been a major hurdle. I instantly felt my self-esteem go up

Hopefully, I am rounding a corner....

DF


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## Fenix

Damselfish said:


> Whew, finally a day I didn't obsess and first day I haven't cried in a while!
> 
> I spent the weekend with friends, did a lot of walking, volunteered at a 5K, even got a full-time job (starts 9th), not ideal, but it's something, and I had another interview today, a job fair tomorrow, and another interview on Wednesday (hoping a better-paying job surfaces). I've been a sahm for the last 8 years, jumping back into the workforce has been a major hurdle. I instantly felt my self-esteem go up
> 
> Hopefully, I am rounding a corner....
> 
> DF


Damselfish, this is great news!! It does sound like you are rounding a corner. Be aware though...two steps forward, one step back. I call it the divorce two step. Don't get disheartened. Congratulations on all of the job opportunities!!


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## Fenix

Damselfish said:


> How can too much venting be counter productive? I can see how it can get old after a while....


For me, being here and reading, as well as venting, can lead to me spiraling down. Sitting behind a computer, disconnected from real life, allows me to get too much in my own head, separating me from the rest of the rather wonderful world.

When I feel that happening, I need to stop, put on my running shoes and vent via physical exercise.


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## Fenix

Freak On a Leash said:


> Too much of ANYTHING can be counterproductive. If you spend all your time here obsessing and not dealing with and living your life then it's counterproductive. And if your friends ask how you are doing and you want to answer in an honest way, then that's fine but to go on and on and on about the same thing to the point where people avoid you. THAT is counterproductive. You have to know your audience. It's like any social interaction.
> 
> Sometimes too much is just that..too much.
> 
> Here? We don't know you and much of us are going through or have gone through the same thing. Also, we can just skip your threads or posts if we want. It's not personal.  It's the beauty of the anonymous forum. It's also cheaper than therapy.
> 
> I think dating is a VERY touchy and personal thing and it's like playing with fire. It can warm and comfort you but it can also burn and hurt you. If you are emotionally stable and strong and have something to OFFER as well as the wanting then by all means go and date.
> 
> I can't speak for others, only for myself, I'm going by THIS thread when I offer advice HERE and I'm thinking "no way should you date". I take the situation of the person asking the advice in account when I answer on a thread.


Agree with this.

As far as the dating thing goes, follow your gut. If you don't think you are ready, then you aren't. You will know when you are, and then, go slowly. Dip your toe in and be smart about it. I am a calculated risk taker so I do not jump in head first, but I also try not to base my actions on fear.

Damselfish, getting your life in order is your first priority and I think you are doing brilliantly at that.


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## Damselfish

Thanks, Fenix.

You're right about two-stepping. 

I went to a job fair this morning, I was sooooo excited about. I have been "courting" this company since December, with no luck.

After discussing the position with interviewer, she said I sounded like a great fit. There was a lull in the conversation while we were waiting the recruiter to become available...(awkward!)....so we started chit-chatting. She asked me how old my kids were and I told her, and then it was like she wasn't interested in me anymore and gave me recruiters business card and said "she'll call you." 

It was so anticlimactic. Not sure what to make of it, but it has sent me in a tail spin wishing for my old life back


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## EnjoliWoman

Damselfish said:


> Thanks, Fenix.
> 
> You're right about two-stepping.
> 
> I went to a job fair this morning, I was sooooo excited about. I have been "courting" this company since December, with no luck.
> 
> After discussing the position with interviewer, she said I sounded like a great fit. There was a lull in the conversation while we were waiting the recruiter to become available...(awkward!)....so we started chit-chatting. She asked me how old my kids were and I told her, and then it was like she wasn't interested in me anymore and gave me recruiters business card and said "she'll call you."
> 
> It was so anticlimactic. Not sure what to make of it, but it has sent me in a tail spin wishing for my old life back


Sorry I'm lazy - I'm sure you've said - how old are your kids?

Employers aren't supposed to ask but in that situation it was sort of chatty. Perhaps you should have an answer ready for the next time this comes up. For instance:

"Old enough to keep me on my toes!"
"Old enough to keep me young.  "
"That perfect age between diapers and driving! haha"

Or some less specific answer... I am wondering if they are young the employer is thinking (incorrectly and illegally) that you'll have to take a lot of time off for sniffles and fevers and school events like 'coffee in the classroom', etc.

Then again they could just as easily think your kids are too old if you look young and then they run into a completely different type of assumption!

That's why it's best to avoid specifics and personal information when at all possible while interviewing.

I'm sorry you are disappointed.  But that doesn't mean there is no opportunity there for you. Or on the other hand, that might mean they aren't a compatible employer.

I hope your perfect job comes to you soon.


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## stillhoping

IN fact, I am learning, the best opportunities come when you are least expecting them, mostly because what I keep expecting is return to my old life and I know that would not be good for me. I am open to new, exciting, previously unknown things now. I just signed for my first new home on my own! Leaving the family home after 18 years, off to begin nesting in a shiny new one, on the water. A new beginning! And just because there might be a step back, it still makes forward progress


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## Hardtohandle

Freak On a Leash said:


> :lol: :lol: THAT'S right..you are feeling lost, confused, depressed, lacking in confidence? Make sure you surf the net and hook up with complete strangers, half of whom are probably married and the other half looking to score. :slap:
> 
> Spend your days locked and loaded onto a computer screen and/or your phone answering texts and emails and engaging in cyber romance. And then go out on a blind date and discover that the hot looking 6' 1' 40 year old is actually 65, half blind, 80lbs overweight and 5' 8". :rofl: THAT will make you feel better!
> 
> If you keep doing this over and over again it will be like getting hit over the head with a hammer 30 times in a row. After the first ten times you won't feel a thing!
> 
> BUT after you go through this kind of personal Hell you will surely get your mind off your failed marriage and divorce. If you are like one of my friends you might even get a nasty, recurring, sexually transmitted disease that is kind enough to visit you each month and remind you of how smart you were to head out into the dating/singles world first thing after the breakup of your marriage, when your self esteem, confidence and judgment are at an all time low.
> 
> But YOU WILL feel better when you wake up the next morning after being with "What's his name" and all you have left to remember him by is the stain on your sheets.
> 
> Maybe it's different for men, but VERY FEW women I have talked to who rush into the dating world, especially OLD, have anything positive to say. If you are lucky you might emerge pretty much the same as you were as you went in. But more likely you become even more angry, cynical, rejected and lonelier then you were before.
> 
> The above post was written by a guy and for SOME guys, going out and dating, getting a "rebound" girlfriend, having sex, etc..may indeed boost their self esteem and confidence. But for us women, it's usually a different scenario. Think of the things about your marriage that you want and miss. Stability, companionship. Trust. Loyalty. Think you'll get that out in the online dating world? In a "rebound" relationship? Go play the lottery, you have better odds of winning.
> 
> We in the post feminist era might not want to admit it, but men and women ARE different. To have the kind of relationship you probably want, where you can have give and take and be able to make sound decisions and use proper judgment, YOU have to be mentally healthy, stable, independent and strong. Do you feel that way? Well, I'd say 'NO'..OTHERWISE you wouldn't have started this post! So that answers that question.
> 
> Wait until you no longer have to start threads like this one to go out and date. When you look back on this thread and all that went into writing it as a bad dream, something you can look back and no longer relate to, then you are ready to go out and give of yourself to someone else and have the knowledge to know if they can do the same. Be patient for yourself, you kids and for anyone else out there you might grow attached to and develop feelings for.
> 
> Relationships aren't all about taking, it's about giving too and the way you are feeling right now, do you really have anything of yourself to give? Now is the time for it to be about you. How to rebuild your life and become a new you and start over so that you don't feel devastated and lost.
> 
> 
> 
> :lol: :lol::rofl: I'm sure this dude is very popular at parties. NOT. :slap:



I'm just going to chalk this up to you having a bad day.. 

I never implied or inferred that DSF should go online and meet guys and fvck her way into happiness. 

What I did imply is that she would see that many men would be interested in meeting her. That her life isn't over and that taken the time she will meet better people. Its a confidence booster to simply say *"Oh, men are interested in me"* and when *I AM READY* I know I can move on. 

As for being popular at parties.. I would say yes, I am the life of the party. Everyone wants to hear my stories.. I work in a job and see things most people don't see. As its always been said My job puts me in the front row in the circus of life... 

And Yes, I have many friends, that is why I was able to move on within the year.. 

Freak, I am very sorry if your still bitter over your divorce or have had an issue moving on. I haven't.. I openly admit my short comings and doing so lets everyone know where I stand.. Good or Bad, regardless they know.. Sometimes its not best thing to do but I am honest and open how I feel about my insecurities and issues.. 

But this is why I can find someone who loves me even when I have issues loving myself or showing love back sometimes. But she understands and you know what I understand it also. I'm not walking around with blinders on and pretending everything is okay.. But I'm not going to sit on my fvcking a$$ in my house with 2 boys that depend on me 24x7x365, especially since one of them hasn't been spoken to by his own mother in almost a year.. 

I don't have that luxury to sit in the corner an sulk.. I have to show my kids that life goes on.. That life doesn't end because their mother walks out the door..

But you know what honestly how can I really complain..

I make 135k a year with weekends off and 5 weeks vacation. I make my own hours practically and can take off ANY TIME I WANT.. I literally can walk into work and say I'm going home.. I call in and say I need 3 days off. Its that easy for me.

I can retire today and bring home after taxes 5700 dollar a month doing NOTHING... But I need to work and keep busy.. Currently I am waiting for a position to open with a friend of mine whom I love like a brother and has been their for me during my divorce. The spot opens up at 150k and 4 weeks vacation.. Granted not the freedom I have now but the money is good. 

In the end I will making upwards of 10k a month.. I don't care who you are 10k a month is nothing to laugh at for the average person.. 

I am looking to move into a million dollar home, which I can afford RIGHT NOW due to the equity in my current home.. 

The current women in my life that expressed nothing but love for me makes around 10k a month herself, is 10 years younger then my Ex. Plus take my word for it, she much better looking then my Ex and the best thing is she understands my issues and accepts and deals with them because she can see the bigger picture. She knows and I know I won't have these issues forever. 

I've learned from MY mistakes.. I will do my best not to do them again ever.. I will make sure I have date night with my G.F. once a month.. I will make sure we go on vacation with our kids ( 2 from me and 2 from her ). I will make sure that me and her can have a life as well beyond our kids.. 

My Ex makes 47 an hour but hasn't worked more then the 10 hours a week for the last 14 years that she was with me. I worked more so she didn't. But today she had to take a job in a city school just to get benefits because she lost mine.. 

Oh BTW did I mention I get medical coverage from my job for LIFE ?.. 

My Ex walked away with only 55k.. Nothing more.. 

In short she will be paying that back to me in the form of child support.. 

TODAY my Ex works more just to survive with her new boyfriend.. Mind you this is the man that went around bragging that my EX made more money then him and they were going to take me to the cleaners because of my job.. 

Unfortunately for him and her I am hard a$$ mother fvcker when I have to be.. I'm as evil as I am kind.. Trust me on that... 

So my long winded point is.. Sh1t does roll down hill, but it doesn't mean that you have to be at the bottom of that hill.. 

If anything I am a perfect example of what moving on and listening to friends, family and people here on TAM does..

But for me I personally feel I was able to move on because I had many people to talk to.. Many people giving me good insight.. Many people relating and telling me sometimes their own stories of that of their families that been through similar situations.. Sometimes I was even asked to speak to friends that were going through similar situations because I understood and could sympathize.. 

Oh and btw I met my current G.F. on POF.. 

And just as their are bad men there are bad women as well. You think their weren't women who seen GHI and a meal ticket ? A daddy for their kids ? A roof over their heads ? 

Welcome to life.. Life is full of mean people, AKA our Ex spouses..


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## Damselfish

Good morning

Stillhoping - congrats on your new shiny house! what a great feeling that must be. Thank you for sharing you can two-step your way into a shiny new house.

Enjoli, I realized after the fact I shouldn't have answered the question, had a doh! moment Kids are 12 and under.

Two-stepping: Yesterday was the most difficult yet. For hours I thought about what it would be like to reach out to him and consider reconciling. I researched reconciliation after divorce. I started to pen an email to him...."this isn't worth it, let's do it for the kids, we can be better financially, we can grow from this..." WTF am I thinking? To date, I do not talk/text to him about anything else but kids. I cannot even make eye contact since last May. The anger is gone. The bartering has begun. Ugh.

I know this is crazy thinking and have to simply go through it and pray to come out on other side intact. The new normal sucks egss right now


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## Freak On a Leash

Hardtohandle said:


> I'm just going to chalk this up to you having a bad day..


No, I just didn't agree with the advice you gave. I was having a good day. It's just my way of expressing myself. I can be a bit of a smart-as$ 



> Freak, I am very sorry if your still bitter over your divorce or have had an issue moving on. I haven't.. ..


 :lol: :rofl: Don't quite know where you got THAT idea! Quite the opposite! I'm not at all bitter about my divorce. It's worked out quite well for me. I was planning on divorcing my ex for years before it happened. How it happened wasn't pleasant but I've emerged stronger and better than before. My life is _exactly _where I want I to be.

A year after my divorce, I'm happier now then I've been in 25 years. I'm good on my own. I've moved on quite well. I rarely think about or talk about my ex. I'm more consumed with what I'm doing in the here and now and am making plans for 2 years when my kids are out of school and I can move away and live the life I want to live. 

No, I don't have to talk about _how much money I make or brag about the house I live in _ to prove it. Sure, I can talk about how I only work 3 days/week and go skiing every week, etc, etc. What makes each of us happy and content is a personal matter. I don't need much. Enough money and time to do what I want and the freedom to do it. I can live in a room with a garage for my Jeep and toys and I'm good. 

Nor do I need validation from another person. I could really give a crap if I date someone or not, if I have a relationship or not. I have ultimate freedom. I'm good being by myself and I like it. IMO, If you are happy with yourself, being by yourself, then you are good. Meeting and being with another person is icing on the cake. If you are well adjusted and content alone, then if and when you do meet someone else, you can make that person happy. But until you are a whole, well adjusted person who can stand on your own 2 feet not just financially, but emotionally... you will fail at another relationship.

I don't think the Damselfish is there yet. That was my point. She needs to take this time to work on herself. I think that there will be a time soon that she will be open to both giving and receiving the love of another person. Until then, she's got a lot on her plate and need to look within herself to feel validated and happy.

I wish her the best of luck in any case. This thread is about Damselfish and what she's going through and offering her support and advice. You've given yours and I've given mine...It's all good.  I don't really want to debate my life or yours with you. So we'll just call it a day.


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## Freak On a Leash

Damselfish said:


> Two-stepping: Yesterday was the most difficult yet. For hours I thought about what it would be like to reach out to him and consider reconciling. I researched reconciliation after divorce. I started to pen an email to him...."this isn't worth it, let's do it for the kids, we can be better financially, we can grow from this..." WTF am I thinking? To date, I do not talk/text to him about anything else but kids. I cannot even make eye contact since last May. The anger is gone. The bartering has begun. Ugh.
> 
> I know this is crazy thinking and have to simply go through it and pray to come out on other side intact. The new normal sucks egss right now


You had a setback with the job situation. Don't give up now! NO CONTACT. Otherwise, you are in a world of sh!t. It's like picking at a scab that is trying to heal and making it a bloody, sore mess again if you don't.  

You are very vulnerable right now. Whenever you feel like you want to call or deal with your ex then you need to start doing something else. Exercise, smack yourself on the head or get on here! But don't fall prey to your loneliness, insecurity and fear! 

You WILL get through it!


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## Damselfish

Good morning, Freak.

Your kind words are so nice to hear first thing this morning. The urge to contact has subsided for the moment. Had a great interview yesterday and another one today! Not going to let this get to me

Have a great day!


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