# When is enough really enough?



## JJB (Jan 24, 2008)

I've been married to my husband for 5+ yrs now. I have 3 children from a previous relationship. I work fulltime and he is disabled and receives disability.

I don't believe that any partner in a relationship should act as a parent or control their partner but in this one it seems as if I have been reduced to that in order to prevent a lot of things from happening.

For example, we used to have a joint checking account which was constantly overdrawn because he would *forget* about our budget. He would go out and spend, spend, spend and then end up borrowing money just to have money on hand. Money was beginning to disappear faster than we would get it and we'd have debts to pay but no money to pay it. I found out after about a year of this that he had quite a few payday loans out and those funds to keep them rolling over were being taken out of our account every month on top of what he pulled out to pay back the ones in town. I was tired of it. He had told me he would *take care of it* and not to worry. Money was still leaving our account though and nothing had been done even though he swore he would take care of it, he hadn't done a thing. So I closed our account and we opened separate accounts. I asked him to call the payday loan places and make arrangements to pay back those loans on a monthly basis. He said he had done so and after a few months all of them were sent to collections. He would hide the letters from me until I kept the mail key and checked the mail myself. He still hasn't paid them back for whatever reason.

Eventually I tore up his ATM card and checks. He had some checks stashed somewhere and he would often forget that he had written a check here or there and his account would be overdrawn. He bought the duplicate checks but often shredded those and I would put the money back into his account to prevent closure. I stopped doing this as well and since he is now out of checks his account is in the clear. If he wants/needs some money I withdraw it and give it to him.

I can't take him shopping with me either. He will just grab things and toss em in the cart. He loves to spend money on junk food and will do so without a care in the world. Eventhough we have a specific budget he somehow thinks I am made of money and will insist on having this or that or we fight about it, I feel guilty and give in. 

Since he is home all day I expect him to clean something or do something around the house. He refuses. Instead he says he has to get some sleep and will often make up stories about how he has only gotten 2 hrs of sleep in 3 days which we both know is a lie. He insists on sleeping at least 18 hrs a day and it's one of the issues I have about him.

He doesn't clean, do laundry, nothing. If I ask him to do anything he will come up with all sorts of reasons as to why he couldn't do it. When the reality of it is that he just wanted to *get some sleep*. I can't even begin to describe the mess he leaves around his side of the bed. Dirty clothes, ice cream/candy wrappers, etc. which I often have to clean. Yuk!

He had gone off his meds as well some time ago and this caused a huge battle betwen me, my kids and him. He was acting like a complete jerk and I didn't know what was wrong with him. He was insulting every one every chance he got. He was raising hell literally and we were fighting like crazy. It got so bad that I was actually ready to leave with whatever I had on me at the time and no money. He got back on his meds and things have cleared up in that aspect. But my two oldest children absolutely loathe him now. They do not trust him and I don't either.

I knew at some point that my husband was telling his family every single thing that was going on with us because I would hear his parents talking about us on the phone or to eachother and I would ask my husband how in the world could they have known certain information if he hadn't told them? He would often blame the kids and say that they were the ones who told them. I was so confused. I guess my son grew tired of the blame game and he recorded a conversation my husband was having with his parents which I listened to. Basically, my husband was telling his parents that I was pushing him into getting a job even though he is disabled and that I am the one wanting to borrow money for this or that and this went on for quite some time. I realized at that time what had been going on behind my back and I didn't confront him about it. Instead I waited. About a week later his mother made a comment about me not understanding the depth of his disability. I asked him what she meant by that and he stood there, eyes widened and said I DONT KNOW! She's crazy! I knew what she was talking about. 

My husband did work for the first two years we were together and he often says he wants to find a good paying job but then in front of his mother he will tell her that I am pushing for him to get a job and that he can't. His mom will sympathize with him and tell him he can't do it and that we all just need to relax and really look at him for what he is...disabled and unable to do much of anything but spend money and sleep. Whatever!

I've had a rule that since I am a smoker there is no smoking in the home or car. Husband refuses to obey that rule. He will smoke in the house, burn holes in the sheets, smoke in the car, etc. I nagged him so much about it that he now only smokes 
in the house when I am at work and alone in the car. Of course he deniese it. GRRRRRRR...

My oldest son bought himself some things like iced tea, pudding, etc. and stored them in the fridge. There's plenty of room in there but my husband made a big deal about it. He will sometimes go into the kids room and comfiscate items he feels should not be stored in there. We got into another huge fight and he became upset because I was defending the kids and not him. We've tried to have family nights where we can all sit and talk about things bothering us whether good or bad but it seems to blow up because husband loves to talk and no one else can get a word in, if we try he interrupts then says that we're all ganging up on him. So we don't have those nights with him anymore. It's usually me and the kids only where we know our confidence won't be betrayed.

My kids and I have also decided not to tell him anything or cause fights. It's just not worth it because he runs out to his parents almost immediately and tells them every single thing that happened but instead of telling the truth, he lies about it then they become upset at us. Another example of this is last weekend I decided to go through a spare room and clean it out. This room is my husbands dumping ground. When and if he ever cleans what he does is he gets plastic bags, tosses everything into it and tosses the bags into the spare room. It took me hours to clean all of that mess out and get it sorted. It was a pain to get him to help. In the middle of it all, I decided to try and get away, so my daughter and I hopped into the car and began to leave...part way away from home we turned around and came back. Husband didn't hear us come back and I stood out by my car and could hear him having a huge fit about how I was cleaning out the spare room, got him out of bed to help and then took off. He looked kinda surprised that I was standing there listening. He immediately shut his mouth. DUH HUH?

Eventhough we have money right now my husband is still wanting to borrow money from his parents. His dad asked me the other day if we still had any money left until I got paid again (Im only paid once a month) and I told him we did. I was puzzled and kind've offended by this and felt it was none of his business. I asked my husband about it and he went immediately into his parents part of the house and talked it over with them. My mother in law just approached me about that. She said that he's worried about us because Clark is always borrowing money from them and they just want to be able to plan ahead in case we do need the money. I told her not to worry we do have money. So I'm wanting to question this statement a bit further but I also don't want to cause any trouble. No one ever comes to me to ask what's going on yet when I've tried, I've found truths behind the lies and even though I tell my in laws not to lend money to my husband, they do it anyway and then yell at husband about how they are always having to help us out. Then my husband plays dumb and pretends not to know or understand what's going on. 

Yes my husband is extremely spoiled. He has lived with his parents for a majority of his life. They've paid his bills for him and all of his debts up until we got married and the only reason I found this out was because his mom opened up about it one night. That's when the reality hit me as to why he spends like crazy, promises to pay it back but never does. The other night he asked me to give him $200. Of course I questioned it because he had everything he needed/wanted. He had a huge fit and said that if I didn't give to him so that he could open up a new bank account he would borrow it from his parents or one of his friends. GREEAATT..more debt, just what we need. I gave it to him and it was gone within a couple of days. I was upset about it. When confronted, he said there was no point in opening a new account because it was after the 15th and his disability can't be changed after that date. So why bug me about needing money?!

Because of my in laws health issues, I don't confront them about much of anything. My father in law had a stroke the other day and I'm afraid that if I open a can of worms that he may have another so I've not bothered with the in depth conversation to try and figure out what's going on. I've simply decided to keep to myself. I have no privacy to talk to my family on the phone, they all live on the east coast and opening up to my husband is out of the question--he'll run his mouth as soon as I step foot off the property to his parents and I don't want to be the cause of someone's stroke or worse....

I've been thinking about leaving him seriously but my income is not enough to keep me and the kids in a place. The rent is way too high and more than I make in a month but I'm keeping an eye out on anything that I can afford. Thanks for reading. I just needed to vent a little.


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## AbcDEEHefG (Feb 26, 2008)

God bless you. I think you already know what you need to do, you just have to find the strength and stability to do it. You can't save anybody from themselves.


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## stav (Feb 5, 2008)

It's sad that you work so hard to keep the family together and everyone satisfied, but nobody bothers about how things are for you.

What exactly is your husband's disability? It's just that he seems well enough to run around spending money, driving, shopping etc. that I wonder what is keeping him from working.

It might do him good to have something to focus on. The excessive spending is probably partly due at least, to him being bored at home doing nothing.

I wonder if it is worth you sitting down with your Mother in Law and having a long talk with her, about all your worries, and point out the lies he has told about needing money, to get some from them. Tell her everything. You may find you have an ally in your attempts to set him on the straight and narrow. So far they only know his version of events.


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## JJB (Jan 24, 2008)

Thanks you guys.  

I have spoken with my father in law a few times and he realizes what's going on but mother in law has her own opinions and whatnot about everything. I do plan on talking with her as soon as I can get husband out of the house for a few hours. I think giving him some money oughtta do it. lol

Husband is bi polar. He says because of the meds he takes he has to sleep but I don't buy that. I could be in the wrong. I've never known anyone to need 18+ hrs per day sleep. I know I don't. 

Thank you again.


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## Liza (Jan 2, 2008)

Moms do not realize the monsters they are creating especially with their sons when they do not teach him certain responsibility. A young boy cannot learn to be responsible if he is not taught and I think that is where your mom in law has gone wrong.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I think that you already made up your mind on what you are going to do which is dump your husband when you can afford it. I do have to say that although you wrote a lot it was very one sided as he did all the wrong and you are a saint. At times you controdicted yourself too. He NEVER cleans, and when he cleans he dumps it into a spare room. 

Sleep and feeling drained are very similar thank god you havee never been bipolar yourself as you can see when he went off his meds how difficult it is for your husband to handle.

Bipolar disorder is not a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders defined by the presence of one or more episodes of abnormally elevated mood, clinically referred to as mania. Individuals who experience manic episodes also commonly experience depressive episodes or symptoms, or mixed episodes which present with features of both mania and depression. These episodes are normally separated by periods of normal mood, but in some patients, depression and mania may rapidly alternate, known as rapid cycling. The disorder has been subdivided into bipolar I, bipolar II and cyclothymia based on the type and severity of mood episodes experienced.

Also called bipolar affective disorder until recently, the current name is of fairly recent origin and refers to the cycling between high and low episodes; it has replaced the older term manic-depressive illness coined by Emil Kraepelin (1856-1926) in the late nineteenth century. 

Episodes of illness are associated with distress and disruption, and a relatively high risk of suicide.

Harmful effects of lithium
Lithium is much less teratogenic than previously thought, though it does double the likelihood of Ebstein's anomaly (a cardiac defect), occurring at 0.1% when used during the first trimester of pregnancy.

The average developmental score for the lithium-exposed group of children was 7-8 points lower than the control group (siblings), but well withing the normal range of 100±15.[9]

There have also been long term effects on the kidney, including diabetes insipidus with secondary distortion of bladder and urinary tract. Animal studies show long-term physical and behavioural effects extending beyond the first generation.

Lithium is known to be responsible for (sometimes significant) weight gain, acne with scarring, thinning of hair, and pronounced tremor, usually in the hands but extending to lips and tongue when the person is stressed, or after prolonged use


draconis


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## JJB (Jan 24, 2008)

You're right. It is very one-sided. *tsk tsk*. 

I understand what bipolar disorder is. I know what happens when he's manic and depressed. I've spoken with his doctors. We've gone together many times to find out how we can work on our marriage, how I can help him deal with these rapid cycling episodes, etc. Bottom line--he has to take some responsibility whether he wants to or not for his actions. 

He has been hospitalized many many times before we met and he's stabilized (I guess is the word) since he's been medicated. Not to say he doesn't have manic or depressive episodes anymore, he does. He just doesn't want to take responsiblity for anything and uses the *I'm bipolar this is why this or that happens* excuse and it doesn't fly anymore with a lot of things. Not for me anyway.

My daughter is also bipolar but I have taught her responsibility. I have taught her that she can do anything she chooses. I don't feel it would be right of me to tell her that she can't have this career or do whatever because she is bipolar. That's limiting and it does not help her. She wants to become a nurse and I completely support and encourage her in whatever she chooses to do. When she has money that she's earned babysitting or doing things around the home, she's excited and wants to spend spend spend. My job as a mother is to help teach her to control that part of the disorder,teach her how to budget and realize that she too has a responsiblity not only to herself but to her health, home, family, etc. No matter what she does/does not do there are consequences. She too has to learn from mistakes.

She's gone through the depressive episodes and yes it is extremely difficult to try and help her through that as well. So I understand what my husband is going through as well as my daughter. The only thing I do not agree with is my husband is not wanting to take responsibility for his actions. Instead, it seems I have to do it for him. When he overspends, I replace the money in his account. Yes I get irritated by it. Who wouldn't? He feels it's no big deal to overspend. He tells me that I worry too much about it. Well? If I allowed to my bank account to be overdrawn constantly it would be closed. If we didn't pay our rent, we would not have a home. If I didn't make that car payment we would not have transporation. If I did not work we would not have food, clothes, etc. But to him it's no big deal. Why is that? Do these rules not apply to him or anyone else with this type of illness? 

Yes I have thought about leaving him. Seriously wanting to leave him in order to make him realize that he can't use the *I'm bipolar* excuse for everything he feels deserves that explanation. I haven't left and I don't plan on it. Since my first post, I've talked this over with my husband and seriously thought about what I've said and taken a deeper look at things. We have decided to work together in whatever way we can to make this relationship work. 

I was in the wrong for a lot of what I posted but I don't regret it. It helped me to look at things from another point of view which is the reason for my postings besides me wanting to vent.

So I sincerely thank you for pointing it out. In my opinion, whatever helps does indeed help no matter how great or small.


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## tater03 (Jun 29, 2007)

Honestly there is really not a lot that you can do. Your relationship is just so one sided and if he cannot see that then you are basically banging your head against a brick wall. Yes, in your case I think enough is enough.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

JJB ~ I am glad to hear that your relationship is moving forward and he is willing to take some responcibility.

draconis


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## stav (Feb 5, 2008)

Its a good start, and as long as you both make the effort to discuss things that are getting you down, then you will hopefully move forward. 

I'm glad to hear things are better. Don't worry about coming on here and having a rant, sometimes, just telling total strangers, and listening to unbiased viewpoints with no agenda, even if they are not helpful, can help you get a handle on your own thoughts and feelings.. So keep coming!


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