# My daughter is struggling during our "D"



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I have 2 kids, 11(G) and 6(B) and they've had their minor struggles that are to be expected during my divorce. And yes, I've been taking them to "play therapy" since November. 
So the other day, my daughter blew up over something with her brother and yelled at me that I made mommy move away from us. You see, after my wife's affair that lasted for months and eventually died a magnificant death, she also was demoted from her work (the affair occured while she was working).
So she left to live with her cousin(which gave her ****ty advice) to get "better" but turned out she decided to stay and look for work...and date other people. 
Well, back to my daughter. She believed I was the reason for making mommy leave. Which is the furthest thing from the truth. Without telling her the real reasons mommy left, I told her what I tried to do to keep the family better. That seemed to make her feel a little better. 
Then, last night she asked her mom why she decided to live up there? Mommy gave her the same BS response which was, I looked for work in both places, but was only offered a job here. We live in Houston, she lives in Minneapolis. It took her 6 months to finally land a job there. To my knowledge, she never looked here. Besides, she lived up there during her job search. Duh! It was sad. She kept asking my daughter if the answer was a good enough answer. Like it was so FN obvious it was a crap answer. I didn't say anything, but bit my lip. Her mother lives with a divorced single dad whose kids visit often because mom lives nearby(what a great idea, right?). But hearing the guy's kids tell my daughter about the stuff they do with my daughter's mommy just kills me. It sucks seeing my sweet kids go through this undeserving BS. My daughter told me later last night that she is reading a book about a boy whose parents are divorced. And how he was told one thing when he was younger, but now that he's older (teen), he realizes that what he was told was a lie. I think she's at that point. And it's this frustration that makes her angry. Not being told the truth.
I know I can't tell her the real truth, but I feel if my EX doesn't come out and be honest, that it will really mess up my daughter? Am I worried too much? What should I do?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Houstondad said:


> I know I can't tell her the real truth, but I feel if my EX doesn't come out and be honest, that it will really mess up my daughter? Am I worried too much? What should I do?


You should tell her the truth.

She obviously knows she`s being lied to and in her eyes that makes you an accessory to her turmoil.

I have no clue why you wouldn`t tell her her mother left for another man.

Anything else is bull**** trying to keep your Ex from the consequences of her betrayals.
Why?

She didn`t just betray you, she betrayed her kids and they should be made aware of that fact.

Don`t underestimate those kids.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

HD, I feel for you and your kids, not just losing the family routine but a loving mother who values her children.

If your daughter is asking for the truth, and suspects she is being lied to, she just needs some truth. Ask the therapist for advice, but you certainly should never "lie" to your children, they just don't need to know sordid details.

Why do you think it is up to your ex to be the honest one? She's already shown to take the low road. It will be hard but your daughter will respect honesty from you. I'm not suggesting you color her mom as an evil person (as much as she probably is) or try to turn your kids against her - that will harm your relationship, just be honest with your daughter that her mom wasn't happy living with you, wanted to love someone else and had to move away to pursue that love, that she made a choice to leave the whole family, and that even though she still loves her kids she is not behaving nicely at all with them, and that you disapprove of her choices and have no intention of making the same ones so your kids will always have a close father.


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

The therapist ought to be told that you are telling the truth to the child.
Tell the child.

She is in an awful situation, completely powerless and confused about who the freak caused the nightmare.

Just say "Mom was dating someone else and left. They broke up and now she wants to date others and not be married to me."

Factual, not disrespectful.


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## PartlyCloudy (Jun 6, 2011)

She's living w/a divorced single dad? I'm guessing he's not the cousin, right, or did I read wrong? 

It seems the truth is right in front of your daughter's face, but both parents are pretending it's something else.

My son was 12 when my H left us to move in w/OW. I hid the truth from my son, even told him @ first it was a mutual split. My H was setting a horrible example for my son, though, & I realized that if I didn't tell him the truth, I was also teaching him that his dad's actions were acceptable, that people are disposable & interchangeable, that marriage is a joke.

Also, my son, like your daughter, knew he wasn't being told the truth. He needed to know that he could trust that @ least what one parent told him was true & that any questions he had would be answered honestly. I never give him details or bad-mouth his dad, FTR.

I've made a lot of mistakes dealing w/the affair & separation. The one thing I know I did right was being honest w/my son. Just my opinion.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

I agree with the above. Do NOT lie to your children. Do NOT sugar coat what your ex is doing. Your kids NEED to know what their mother is about and what she has done to cause the harm and pain they now feel. You DO NOT bad mouth your ex to them but tell the plain truth and the facts. Tell them that:
1. Their mother was unfaithful to you and you can't be married to her anymore as a result.
2. Their mother moved away to live with another man and when that didn't work, CHOSE to stay away from them and continue to meet new men.
3. That their mother is currently living with a single dad and is setting the example that when the going gets tough, the tough dump their spouses and try to replace them with new ones.
4. Explain to your children that marriage is a LIFETIME committment to the other person and people cannot be thrown away like garbage.

Your children will someday thank you for being honest with them although it may hurt now. Again, NO bad mouthing or trash talking about the ex, that is their mother.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Thank you so much for the encouragement to do the right thing. I need to be careful of what and how I tell her. My son is 6 and while he isn't asking the tough questions , he will one day. Is it better to be proactive and tell him in an age appropriate way? Or wait till he's older? They will be going to see their mom for the summer in 2 weeks. Should I tell them before or after they return?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Tell them now.

As neutrally as you can concerning their mother but yes tell them now.

It will cause pain but the confusion will end and they can start dealing with the hurt.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

PartlyCloudy said:


> She's living w/a divorced single dad? I'm guessing he's not the cousin, right, or did I read wrong?
> 
> It seems the truth is right in front of your daughter's face, but both parents are pretending it's something else.
> 
> ...


It's a little complicated. But my EX left to live with her cousin under the discussion that she needed space and time to get better and she'd be back in a month. At that time, it had been 2 weeks since the OM dumped her. 
So a month passes, and she asks for another month which I grant. Near the end of the 2nd month I tell her the kids and I miss her and I would like her to return home so we can work on the marriage and that long distance isn't helping reconciliation. She agrees. She stays for a week and then tells me she's moving back for good to find a job up there. That she had already made up her mind before returning. 
At this point, I still had yet to pull the plug. She returns 6 weeks later to see the kids; she leaves her phone behind and I discover she had been chatting again with the OM and that she is now dating others. I say nothing and a week later tell her I'm done. She doesn't put up a fuss or asks why. Later, I discover she had been spending a lot of time with this divorced dad which my kids told me after visiting their mom and staying at mommy's friend's house. 
This past weekend she tells my daughter she moved in with her friend. Wow. What a class act, right?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Houstondad said:


> It's a little complicated. But my EX left to live with her cousin under the discussion that she needed space and time to get better and she'd be back in a month. At that time, it had been 2 weeks since the OM dumped her.
> So a month passes, and she asks for another month which I grant. Near the end of the 2nd month I tell her the kids and I miss her and I would like her to return home so we can work on the marriage and that long distance isn't helping reconciliation. She agrees. She stays for a week and then tells me she's moving back for good to find a job up there. That she had already made up her mind before returning.
> At this point, I still had yet to pull the plug. She returns 6 weeks later to see the kids; she leaves her phone behind and I discover she had been chatting again with the OM and that she is now dating others. I say nothing and a week later tell her I'm done. She doesn't put up a fuss or asks why. Later, I discover she had been spending a lot of time with this divorced dad which my kids told me after visiting their mom and staying at mommy's friend's house.
> This past weekend she tells my daughter she moved in with her friend. Wow. What a class act, right?


Dislike

The hell with the b*tch


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Dislike
> 
> The hell with the b*tch


I have to agree. Houstondad, your situation makes me feel really sad for you. For all my stbx's faults, she is absolutely a 100% mom first (which really, has everything to do with why we are splitting, but I digress).

I think if I were in your shoes, I'd be trying to move the process on as quickly and as painlessly as possible for you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Tell your children the truth. As you can see they are a lot more perseptive than they have been given credit for. So just tell them about the affair, about her moving to get some 'space' and her moving on to a new life.

My step children's mother did the same type of thing. It's so hurtful to children. But at least is they know they truth they only have to deal with this once... not every time the story changes.


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