# Love is there, the sex...



## Leveret (Mar 8, 2013)

Hello! My hubs and I have have been married about a year and a half and will be together 6 years in July. We're very happy together. We rarely fight, have good communication and a loving, tender relationship. He is so good to me and I try to be the best for him. The love isn't the issue.

While the next little bit isn't the issue either, I want to put this out there: I am currently pregnant and due mid August with our second child. My sex drive has been literally down to nothing this entire pregnancy and sex is very occasional. I have no drive for it whatsoever. I have made efforts when I can to do things for him, but it's very hard for me. The first few months I felt very ill (I didn't get physically ill luckily, but I felt horrible for months). I couldn't bare the idea of sex and I think we were intimate maybe 2 times for the first 3 months. 

During the second trimester, I think we had sex 4-5 times. I'm now working on month 8 and I think we've only had sex 2 times during this 3rd trimester. 

I have talked openly to him about my literal dry spell. We touch, caress and cuddle daily. I rub his back and we kiss all the time. He feels loved and he assures me he understands how this could be affecting me and this is out of my control, but here's the thing (I know, finally getting to the point lol)...

I am reverting to my shy self when we do have sex. I do hope my drive picks up after the baby is born, but I'm still looking at another 2 months until baby is here if he doesn't make an entrance early and another at least 6 weeks before we can begin again after his birth. With my first child, however, I was unable to have sex for 6 months after she was born due to serious muscle damage down there.

He has been nothing but understanding and loving. I swear I don't deserve him... but my concern is this: I have self confidence issues. I was abused and raped in my childhood, which made it very hard for me to become openly, comfortably intimate with anyone. I felt safe with H after a time and was able to stop being worried with him, but the physical distance of this pregnancy has me reverted to a nervous, shyness that is reminiscent of when we were first together. I'm nervous to leave the lights on, I worry he is judging me with my clothing off (which is so stupid because I know in my rational brain he is not and desires me, but this is not rational...) and I'm worried about if he enjoyed himself. idk, endless concerns that were gone, I thought, are back.

Now I think I can work through them again in time, but has anyone gone through anything like this?

And then there's a second part to this thread: we are very... boring in bed. I hope my confidence can return to me but when it does... I would like more and be able to voice such. I can't tell him I want more or want to do more. I am so uncomfortable in my own skin. 

My issues are, namely: I like to please him, but I'm very talent-less in the bed. I will give him bjs sometimes, though even that is hard for me given my TERRIBLE gag reflex and emetophobia. I am terribly clumsy too and I CANT get certain things down, like... I can't be on top. I've tried and failed so many times. He almost always does all the work and I feel like such a bore. I never orgasm because I really don't know how to direct him to get me there (and I choke up when I should be verbal) and frankly... I've never had an O from intercourse, just clitoral stimulation (which he also has never been able to give me, only by myself).

He has a strong pride in some ways. He HATES to fail, so badly that he won't try new things unless I push him to and have to really sooth his ego if he 'doesn't get it right' the first time around. He also doesn't like being told let's just practice more because he'd rather not do it again than try and 'fail'.

Honestly, his lack of desire to try and possibly 'fail' (I hate when he says it that way) and my nerves and self depressing nature doesn't mix. We don't try new things. He has gone down on me maybe 10 times the whole time together and once he gave up completely because I giggled (he tickled me) but he thought I was mocking him I guess and got mad, which only made me feel terrible. Ugh. WE actually fought after that one because his pride was so hurt and no matter what I said would dissuade him otherwise.

I know this really looks like a pile of mushed up thoughts... but could use input on anything; experience, thoughts, suggestions or even just a pep talk lol.

I would ultimately like to try new things after baby is born, stop worrying so much, spice things up and make it exciting for him (and me). I'm tired of sex on my back, I'm tired of no orgasms. I'm tired of feeling like the dead fish... I don't want him to grow bored of me. I'm almost crying just thinking about it. He's my world and my lover... I just want... to be better I guess. What can I do?


----------



## Leveret (Mar 8, 2013)

Okay, I should also add (since I think this is important) H and I live in a very small place, sorta like a studio. He's a full time student and we're working toward our future, but because of our location and the squeeze, we also don't have much privacy. Our daughter shares a room with us for now and hates to sleep... so even when I WANT to have sex during this pregnancy, half the time (or more) its so late before she passes out, we don't feel like trying and pass out ourselves. Terrible combo...


----------



## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

Leveret said:


> I swear I don't deserve him... but my concern is this: I have self confidence issues.
> 
> I'm nervous to leave the lights on, I worry he is judging me with my clothing off (which is so stupid because I know in my rational brain he is not and desires me, but this is not rational...)


Firstly, you do deserve him so stop the internal dialogue that you don't deserve good things in life, it is reaffirming something that is not true. If you catch yourself saying it in your mind, instantly follow up with 'I do deserve him. I deserve to be happy'. Even if it's 100 times a day, catch negative thoughts as soon as they happen.

Don't worry about the lights thing either, as you said, logically you know he's not judging you, it is purely you judging you and it would undoubtedly turn him on with much excitement to actually be able to see you! You don't need full lighting, just try soft light, from your phone or a small torch by the bed, then you're still in shadow for own self doubts but he can still see enough to be turned on. 



Leveret said:


> My issues are, namely: I like to please him, but I'm very talent-less in the bed. I will give him bjs sometimes, though even that is hard for me given my TERRIBLE gag reflex and emetophobia. I am terribly clumsy too and I CANT get certain things down, like... I can't be on top. I've tried and failed so many times. He almost always does all the work and I feel like such a bore. I never orgasm because I really don't know how to direct him to get me there (and I choke up when I should be verbal) and frankly... I've never had an O from intercourse, just clitoral stimulation (which he also has never been able to give me, only by myself).


Regarding the gag reflex, you can actually train yourself not to gag..I did it many years ago..using a toothbrush you just gradually brush the back on your tongue repetitively until you find the gag response then desensitize it by going over and over it again, day by day, over several weeks until you will 'magically' find you don't gag anymore 

You don't always need to take his whole length into your mouth (although that's great, but work your way up to it if you need to). Just do lots of licking, use your lips sliding up and down the sides, lots of spit, etc. I'm sure he'll appreciate the effort!

A lot of women can't come through penetration alone, I am one of these and always need clitoral stimulation at the same time to achieve the big O. Does it matter if you are the one working your clit while he is pounding you? You both enjoy it that way I find 



Leveret said:


> I'm tired of sex on my back, I'm tired of no orgasms. I'm tired of feeling like the dead fish... I don't want him to grow bored of me. I'm almost crying just thinking about it. He's my world and my lover... I just want... to be better I guess. What can I do?


It took me a long time to be comfortable being on top due to a bad experience when younger, once you get more confident with yourself, I think you will eventually be more comfortable to try it. How about trying reverse cowgirl as a start, on top but facing away from him, you're totally in control. Also spooning position is pretty awesome (official name anyone?! lol)..you can be dead tired lying down but still get it in there and have fun :smthumbup:


----------



## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

I wpuld find it SOOOOO HOT if my wife was into her sexual pleasure so much that she worked her clit during sex.

If you dont tell a man he wont know. If you SHOW a man he will know HOW..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Wow, Lever;

Where to start!

Firstly, you aknowledge you have a wonderful, tender understanding husband. Lucky you!

As a guy, I am guessing from your description of him that he is deeply in love with you and enjoys 'boring sex'. Many men just like plain old regular sex. It's great and way underrated in some circles.

Don't necessarily try to over think that he is dissatisfied with the sex at all, unless he says so.

I'm guessing that he just would like it more often, but as a tender man, he does not want to push you.

I am sorry about your traumatic past, I have been with several abused women and I sympathize.

All I can add is PLEASE stop being so hard on yourself.
Enjoy your wonderful husband and just try to do it as often as you can out of love for him. That is your gift.

You will make him happy, believe me.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My first thought is, have you dealt with your abuse/rape fallout?

My second thought... What about him giving you oral? My SO has only had like 3 PIV orgasms in the last 3+ years we've been together. At least, where one of us hasn't provided clitoral stimulation. But she has 3 or more orgasms almost every time we have sex. There's more than one way to skin a cat, so to speak. She will also use a small bullet vibrator on her clit during intercourse, and trust me, that rocks BOTH of our worlds!

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Leveret (Mar 8, 2013)

Thank you everyone for the responses. 

You guys are right, I shouldn't be so hard on myself. It's a constant circle battle with myself but I am much better than when we were first together. I hope with his continued, loving support that I can continue to heal and feel better about myself. He gives me great confidence and never makes me feel badly.

I have dealt with the emotional issues of the rapes and molestations in the past but many of them were ongoing, not single examples and therefore a lot of my personality was moulded by though experiences. It's very ingrained in me in some ways. I'm quite proud of how far I've come. I used to cry and freak out when someone touched me. (Now I'm okay asking for sex advice! xD)

@'Nom, thanks, I really feel like you've taken my concerns seriously, I appreciate you taking the time to answer me fully. I think I'll give the gag reflex exercise a go. And I really shoujldnt be too hard on myself. He does seem to enjoy himself, even if I cant take the whole length.


I don't know if I could get over my shyness enough to pleasure myself during sex, but I think if I could put in the effort/try a few times and suffer through my nerves, I might be able to enjoy it? Is it weird I feel worried he might think poorly of me for it?


----------



## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

Leveret said:


> Is it weird I feel worried he might think poorly of me for it?


Trust me, there is no way on this earth he would think less of you for enjoying sex with him!! If anything it would make him feel closer to you for the extra effort you're making when he knows what it means for you.

Fake it til you make it - as in faking confidence (not orgasms! lol)


----------



## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Leveret said:


> During the second trimester, I think we had sex 4-5 times. I'm now working on month 8 and I think we've only had sex 2 times during this 3rd trimester.
> 
> 
> What can I do?


you do have some issues to resolve, but also sound a little self centered. No matter how bad you feel, or how little your libido is, you can massage your poor husband, or give a BJ. You need to be doing this pretty much every night with him, unless you want to end up like many of the other posters on here who say "...he left...what do I do now?"


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Somehow you need to get your husband to accept feedback without getting defensive. 

Getting really good at anything is trial and error, mostly error. Once you accept that, you can get good at just about anything. Until you accept that, it's a bit tough to get good at sex. 

You can make this easier for him. Have your doctor tell him that after a baby, a woman's body has changed. What felt good before, might not feel good now. So LET your wife TELL you what she wants more/less of. And don't make her feel bad about it. After 4-5 sessions of her giving you honest feedback, you should be fine. 







Leveret said:


> Thank you everyone for the responses.
> 
> You guys are right, I shouldn't be so hard on myself. It's a constant circle battle with myself but I am much better than when we were first together. I hope with his continued, loving support that I can continue to heal and feel better about myself. He gives me great confidence and never makes me feel badly.
> 
> ...


----------



## homedepot (May 13, 2014)

Don't feel down. I am a super HD and I got none when my wife was pregnant due to high risk. You guys will be fine and practice makes perfect!!


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Your husband is a lucky man to have a wife who acknowledges that this is a problem and is actively seeking ways to fix it  There are MANY men on the boards who's wives couldn't give two hoots about their needs.

Your dear hubby understands that pregnancy can affect things in the bedroom, and the fact that you want to WANT to have sex is enough for him for the time being.

To increase your intimacy, what about some naked cuddles? Massage? Snuggling naked together will increase your intimacy by a ton.

There's nothing wrong with you, you're a great wife to be concerned about this


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Ok.. this is going to be Long.. there are plenty of ways to speak love, affection, some erotic pleasure to our husbands without PIV sex.. in the meantime...His patience and attitude and your loving willingness ...well..that is a beautiful Life giving THING in a marriage.. my H was like yours.. he was the most patient Kind Man, never demanding of sex... but I must admit when I was pregnant, I was MORE horny ! Even afterwards I used to complain I couldn't wait.. I was dying for it. ..and well.. he liked that fact. 

This is a book about intimacy MINUS intercourse..written by a sex Therapist.. it could give you plenty of ideas during this time..and in your recovery phase...

Let Me Count the Ways: Discovering Great Sex Without Intercourse: 

For wanting to please HIM.. this is my favorite...

Passionista: The Empowered Woman's Guide to Pleasuring a Man 

Ok.. now copying & pasting one of my older posts on some Spicing ideas.. if anything sounds good !



> *1.* Endless sex positions Sex Positions Guide
> 
> *2*. Sex Games.... ever stroll into a Spencers store in the Mall -lots of inspiration there >> Get sexy at Spencer
> 
> ...


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Leveret said:


> I don't know if I could get over my shyness enough to pleasure myself during sex, but I think if I could put in the effort/try a few times and suffer through my nerves, I might be able to enjoy it? Is it weird I feel worried he might think poorly of me for it?


OK.. this is a hang up you struggle with .. it seems all women have some in our early years ( I did too!)...but know...you are with your husband, sex is beautiful....you and he love to please each other, as it was meant to BE.. ever hear that saying.. "feel the fear and do it anyway".. yeah.. work this.. do it in the darkness if you have to.. whatever makes you FEEL more comfortable... but... keep progressing forward.... Speaking of the orgasm part of this.. you are not alone..


> Female Orgasm - Unable to Achieve Vaginal Orgasm, Find the G Spot
> 
> Only 30% of women achieve orgasm through intercourse. In the large majority of women the position for intercourse and the way in which the clitoris is being stimulated through intercourse is not conducive to orgasm and there is no way that intercourse alone can produce an orgasm. A good analogy might be to consider attempting to bring a man to orgasm by rubbing his testicles only. It is unlikely that without proper stimulation of the penis he will reach orgasm and it is unlikely that without proper stimulation of your clitoris you will reach orgasm.
> 
> If you fall into this category, you need to realize that you are not anorgasmic, merely typical and there are many alternatives for you: your partner can stimulate you manually either during, prior to, or after intercourse, you can stimulate yourself manually during intercourse, or you can try out alternatives to your love making including oral sex or manual stimulation or a vibrator. There is additionally, a device available that functions as a small vibrator specifically meant for use during intercourse. Generally couples find that a combination and variation of the above methods allow couples to have intercourse and allow the women also to have the release of orgasm.


Here is a variety of books on the Big "O" *>>* 

I Love Female Orgasm: An Extraordinary Orgasm Guide: 

Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm: 

The Elusive Orgasm: A Woman's Guide to Why She Can't and How She Can Orgasm: 

She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman: 

Sex Woman First: How to teach him You come first (Guide to Female Orgam) 

 Becoming Orgasmic: A Sexual and Personal Growth Program for Women 

How to Have an Orgasm . . . As Often As You Want: Life-Changing Sexual Secrets for Women and Their Partners: 

Orgasms: How to Have Them, Give Them, and Keep Them Coming: 

Super Sexual Orgasm: Discover the Ultimate Pleasure Spot: The Cul-de-Sac: 

 Tantric Orgasm for Women

The Case of the Female Orgasm: Bias in the Science of Evolution: 










Sex Study Says Female Orgasm Eludes Majority of Women ... mentions the great great Niece of Napoleon who underwent 2 experimental surgeries in order to find climatic release... some feel it could be a simple measurement -- a "rule of thumb" -- being the key to the pleasures of sexual intercourse.

Says approx 75 percent of all women never reach orgasm from intercourse alone -- that is without the extra help of sex toys, hands or tongue. And 10 to 15 percent never climax under any circumstances. 



> Understanding The Female Orgasm - AskMen (small part of the article)...
> 
> Clitoris
> 
> ...


----------

