# Just an Introduction



## HorseShowMom (Oct 7, 2019)

Hi all, I’m new here as of today. Currently married, though we seem to be on the edge of divorce after several difficult years together. I’m mostly here to gain some perspective and hopefully come a bit closer to sorting things out, whether that means continuing to try and stay together or moving toward dissolution. I look forward to engaging with you all and will certainly appreciate your insight as things come up. 🙂


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Do you love your husband?
Does your husband love you, in your opinion?

Please provide your ages, length of marriage and if any children are involved.

Thanks, and welcome to TAM land.




LMc-


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Welcome to TAM. We'll be here for you.


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## HorseShowMom (Oct 7, 2019)

I’m conflicted as to whether or not I love my husband. It’s not as simple as it used to be, and things have been so bad for so long.I have a hard time really feeling anything toward him anymore. I do want to work on our marriage. I want to stay together and raise our children. I want to reconnect and live happily together. 
He does say he loves me if I ask, but he is mentally, emotionally and sexually abusive (according to my therapist). I have continued to make an effort to keep our marriage peaceful and relatively healthy while focusing on self improvement and meeting his demands. He has zero interest in controlling his alcoholism or seeking treatment, and insists that I am the sole problem in our marriage and he has no obligation to contribute to improving our relationship. 
He’s 40 years old; I’m 34. We’ve been together 13 years and married 8. We have 3 young children together.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@HorseShowMom Just moved your thread to the appropriate section of TAM.

Your husband is, as you understand, the problem in your marriage.

Please read the advice you will be given. People here have been through what you are going through.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

HorseShowMom said:


> I’m conflicted as to whether or not I love my husband. It’s not as simple as it used to be, and things have been so bad for so long.I have a hard time really feeling anything toward him anymore. I do want to work on our marriage. I want to stay together and raise our children. I want to reconnect and live happily together.
> He does say he loves me if I ask, but he is mentally, emotionally and sexually abusive (according to my therapist). I have continued to make an effort to keep our marriage peaceful and relatively healthy while focusing on self improvement and meeting his demands. He has zero interest in controlling his alcoholism or seeking treatment, and insists that I am the sole problem in our marriage and he has no obligation to contribute to improving our relationship.
> He’s 40 years old; I’m 34. We’ve been together 13 years and married 8. We have 3 young children together.


 Sigh.

OP, why are you jumping around like a trained seal desperately seeking his approval? He's treated you pretty badly from the sounds of it, and the only one making any kind of effort in this **** show is YOU. You said yourself that you make an effort to 'meet his demands.' I guess I just don't understand that dynamic. What's so *wonderful *about a drunken abuser that you're willing to swallow your pride and fall all over yourself trying to 'meet his demands?' What's the payoff in that? There _has_ to be one or you wouldn't do it.

I also don't understand why women in this position will choose to have a bunch of kids with these abusive men, which is basically *insuring* that they'll never get away from him because kids always complicate everything in every conceivable way. I just don't get it.

OP, I can only assume one of 3 things - you're totally financially dependent on him with all these kids and can't support yourself so you're stuck with him for the next 15 years; you're extremely co-dependent and will continue to cling to him like grim death no matter how much you've been - and will CONTINUE to be - disrespected by him; or you're under the mistaken impression that you have to stay together no matter what '_for the kids_.' That's a notion lots of unhappy people cling to because in truth, it's an excuse to do absolutely NOTHING and not have to make any major decisions to move forward to a better life - while you look noble as hell for being such a _martyr_ 'for the sake of the children.'

I see you've been with him since you were 21, so that tells me you have *no* idea what it's like to be an *adult* without him in your life barking orders and running the show. He's all you know. How utterly sad that really is.

Personally, I'd make it my *number one priority* to get the hell away from him and live an *authentic* life that DOESN'T include always seeking the approval of some abusive alcoholic or busting my butt trying to 'meet his demands' like he's some kind of royalty. He sounds like a loser, OP. You'd be amazed at how wonderful life can actually be when you *don't *have an albatross hanging from your neck like you've had for FAR too long.

I really hope you finally see that.


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

OP, perhaps you should remove your picture if that’s you. Your anonymity is tantamount to being here. 

Regarding your situation, I empathize with you as in a previous part of my life, I was a miserable ******* of an alcoholic. I, as opposed to your husband, made a promise to myself that I would never be in an LTR and have children unless I was clean and sober. That being said, yes I changed my ways and became that other guy who was clean and sober. In doing that, I have worked with numerous people in the course of my careers who were in situations such as yours.

I have in some cases assisted women in getting out of those situations by intervention and assistance in finding resources for the such as shelters, al-anon, police, counselling and others.

Until he wakes up and realizes that he is the problem, you’re situation will maintain status quo.

I appreciate that you want to remain in your marriage and fix things, but sometimes things can’t be fixed. It’s good that you are seeing a counsellor, but I’m surprised that they haven’t discussed options for you and children. 

There are many here who have been in similar situations and most likely have much more to say regarding this issue. I truly hope he wakes up and sees what he has and will be giving up if he continues down the path he’s on. Notwithstanding that, I wish you the best for you and your children.

OT


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Welcome to TAM!

Will he not submit to joint marriage counseling at all ?*


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

HorseShowMom said:


> I’m conflicted as to whether or not I love my husband. It’s not as simple as it used to be, and things have been so bad for so long.I have a hard time really feeling anything toward him anymore. I do want to work on our marriage. I want to stay together and raise our children. I want to reconnect and live happily together.
> He does say he loves me if I ask, but he is mentally, emotionally and sexually abusive (according to my therapist). I have continued to make an effort to keep our marriage peaceful and relatively healthy while focusing on self improvement and meeting his demands. He has zero interest in controlling his alcoholism or seeking treatment, and insists that I am the sole problem in our marriage and he has no obligation to contribute to improving our relationship.
> He’s 40 years old; I’m 34. We’ve been together 13 years and married 8. We have 3 young children together.


Mental and emotional abuse can actually be somewhat normal in long term relationships. It is often referred to as Normal Marital Sadism or NMS for short (you should research it). Generally speaking it does not rise to a level of physical abuse, but it often creates mild forms of sexually abusive behaviors (such as denying a partner pleasure by refusing sex or using the dynamics of sex as an emotional weapon to humiliate a partner for his/her wants and desires). 

The reasons these problems occur is because as you get close to someone it can be very difficult to reconcile feelings of anger and hatred towards that person. We are always taught to love our family members and not to hate them. But we don't always get a chance to learn how to be confrontational in a positive and meaningful way that encourages healthy self development. 

Ask yourself if you are looking for the courage and power to end the relationship or the power to work on keeping it knowing it will be very difficult. The reality of this is often known as a "two-choice dilemma" (you should research that). Most adults do everything in their power emotionally to avoid these situations. You seem to be embracing it. If it is any consolation your ability to focus on yourself should improve your spouse's ability to do so as well. Once he yells at you that all the problems are your fault and you are no longer bothered by that, he will be forced to see himself as a problem and hopefully work on improving himself as well. It is an ugly process.

Good luck!

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

HorseShowMom said:


> I’m conflicted as to whether or not I love my husband. It’s not as simple as it used to be, and things have been so bad for so long.I have a hard time really feeling anything toward him anymore. I do want to work on our marriage. I want to stay together and raise our children. I want to reconnect and live happily together.
> He does say he loves me if I ask, but he is mentally, emotionally and sexually abusive (according to my therapist). I have continued to make an effort to keep our marriage peaceful and relatively healthy while focusing on self improvement and meeting his demands. He has zero interest in controlling his alcoholism or seeking treatment, and insists that I am the sole problem in our marriage and he has no obligation to contribute to improving our relationship.
> He’s 40 years old; I’m 34. We’ve been together 13 years and married 8. We have 3 young children together.


Alcoholism destroys your marriage. Get yourself into Alanon and see if he’ll go to AA.
Also join Soberrecovery.com, many on there in the same predicament.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

HorseShowMom said:


> I’m conflicted as to whether or not I love my husband. It’s not as simple as it used to be, and things have been so bad for so long.I have a hard time really feeling anything toward him anymore. I do want to work on our marriage. I want to stay together and raise our children. I want to reconnect and live happily together.
> He does say he loves me if I ask, but he is mentally, emotionally and sexually abusive (according to my therapist). I have continued to make an effort to keep our marriage peaceful and relatively healthy while focusing on self improvement and meeting his demands. He has zero interest in controlling his alcoholism or seeking treatment, and insists that I am the sole problem in our marriage and he has no obligation to contribute to improving our relationship.
> He’s 40 years old; I’m 34. We’ve been together 13 years and married 8. We have 3 young children together.


Could you describe how he is mentally, emotionally, and sexually abusive? That way she have a picture of what precisely is going on.

Could you also describe the extent of his alcohol problem?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

HorseShowMom said:


> I’m conflicted as to whether or not I love my husband. It’s not as simple as it used to be, and things have been so bad for so long.I have a hard time really feeling anything toward him anymore. I do want to work on our marriage. I want to stay together and raise our children. I want to reconnect and live happily together.
> He does say he loves me if I ask, but he is mentally, emotionally and sexually abusive (according to my therapist). I have continued to make an effort to keep our marriage peaceful and relatively healthy while focusing on self improvement and meeting his demands. He has zero interest in controlling his alcoholism or seeking treatment, and insists that I am the sole problem in our marriage and he has no obligation to contribute to improving our relationship.
> He’s 40 years old; I’m 34. We’ve been together 13 years and married 8. We have 3 young children together.


This is a very sick dynamic. Why in the world would you want to stay with someone like this?? What kind of example is this for your children? And dont you think they deserve to live in a NON ABUSIVE home?? They are going to grow up thinking that men abuse women, and that women just sit there and take it and never leave or want better for themselves! Isn't your therapist encouraging you to get out of this?


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## HorseShowMom (Oct 7, 2019)

Thank you all so much for your advice and feedback. I’ll go ahead and elaborate on a few points for clarification-

The drinking, which has always been a bit excessive IMO, but not necessarily a “problem”, escalated heavily when his dad died. This was around when I became pregnant with our 3rd child. 

I was 21 when we moved in together, there were some red flags the first few years, and I was naive enough to think he’d grow out of certain behaviors over time. I wrongly assumed that patience and understanding would help sort things out long term. 

Part of my hesitation to give up on the relationship is understanding what he endured as a child. His family was often homeless and moved around almost constantly. Between poverty, drug use by his dad, parental incarceration, and the cycle of serious physical & mental abuse within his family, I’ve really taken to heart the fact that he has no idea what a healthy family dynamic looks like.
I did expect him to make more of an effort as a husband and father as he sorted things out over time, but he isn’t interested in any level of self reflection or responsibility for his actions. 

He has always been an excellent provider for our family in the financial/ materialistic sense. He’s a very hard worker, and likes to have nice things. He cannot handle our toddler touching the walls or leaving a mess anywhere... we have 3 young kids. I try my best to keep things clean, but sometimes it’s just impossible to keep up with. 

I’ve always been in charge of all cooking & cleaning, shopping,vehicle & household maintenance , budgeting & bills, taxes etc. in addition to all child related responsibilities (school, sports, medical...) not to mention running a farm with over 35 animals requiring daily care. I’m just exhausted, and tired of being called a lazy piece of crap every single day when I can’t do everything for everyone while he sits on the couch or rides around on his fancy lawn mower. 

At this point in time, my ability to financially support the children and myself is tied directly to my ability to run the farm and keep the property, so I just don’t feel like I can reasonably walk away. He’s made it clear that he will quit his job and disappear before he pays child or spousal support, and I’m not sure I could take care of all the bills on my own. (Working on that currently!)

It’s really disheartening to take a step back and look at myself in this situation. Pathetic, really. And if I’m being totally honest, I’m afraid. It just feels like I’m in too deep. Like even if this divorce thing gets sorted out, even if I find a way to make it on my own, is it really worth the loneliness? Is it worth getting old and dying alone? I’m not young. I’m not attractive. I don’t “go out”. I don’t have friends or family that I’m close to. I’m absolutely terrified at the thought of ever trying to have sex with someone else. No decent man would touch this **** show with a ten foot pole. 
But the kids are getting to an age where they’re noticing how he treats me, and I know I owe it to them to set a better example.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

See how much he has you degraded into thinking you are an ugly piece of crap? I can guarantee you that you are NOT, and I can guarantee that should you manage to get away from him that you will not be lonely. You would be FREE. Being on your own, even when it gets kinda scary, is a thousand times better than staying with someone who treats you like dirt. And by your own admission, your kids are watching and seeing what is going on. That is TOXIC. Also he may THINK he can just not work and disappear should you divorce, but there are LAWS that must be followed and should be pull that crap, he'd be doing his thinking in a jail cell.


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

If I may give you a brief look into my life HSM, I too came from a dysfunctional background, my dad was a drunk and mom left him in tow with me when I was 13. She was a very strong woman. We were poor and struggled, but we made it through the hard times.

As I grew into adulthood, I followed my father’s footsteps and became an alcoholic, a skid row bum if you will. When I changed my life, I married a woman with kids, she had two and I had one from a previous relationship. Shortly after we married, we had two more in succession. I had a lucrative job that I lost to downsizing and worked three jobs to make ends meet. She left during this time to find herself.

Being at a total loss, I got my butt in gear, asked for a divorce and moved on with my life. ( she left me with all the kids, including the ones I wasn’t biological father to, regardless, they were mine as well). 

I understand your fear, I felt it myself and was depressed, stressed and in bad shape. In taking another job, I rebuilt myself and in that, found a new love. By the way, I was 50 and definitely not the hunk I was 25 years earlier lol. I saw your pic, tiny and hard to see, but I definitely wouldn’t call myself unattractive from what I saw. Don’t let the fear take you over, I think probably everyone who posts here at some point felt the same. 

Bottom line is that you need to take ownership of who you are or can be. No one can do that for you, but you will find many cheerleaders here rooting for you whichever decision you make in going forward.

I hope this helps you with a different perspective and again I wish you the best in your endeavours with either road you take.

OT


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Please do the following:

1. talk to your therapist about ways to limit the trauma from abuse, and how to effectively plan your exit strategy in a safe way.
2. call a lawyer and discuss what your options are, what your rights are, and make sure to talk about him threatening to abandon his kids and walk away if he gets divorced.
3. start to keep a journal specifically for ways that he abuses you, threatens you, and does the same with the kids. Consider recording the events on video or audio if you feel it safe to do so.
4. pack a go bag. Clothes for you and the kids, cash, important documents, that kind of thing. Pack it and stash it somewhere safe, perhaps at a friend or family member’s house.
5. plan your escape if things get even worse. Friend, family member, someone. A place you can run to if things get violent so you can grab your kids and go.
6. disclose to close friends and family what’s going on.

I’m so sorry. Do not focus on fixing a marriage. You can’t negotiate with an abuser like you can’t negotiate with a terrorist. You get the hell away from them.

It’s time to act. It’s time to get your kids and yourself away from this manipulative abuser.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

HorseShowMom said:


> Thank you all so much for your advice and feedback. I’ll go ahead and elaborate on a few points for clarification-
> 
> The drinking, which has always been a bit excessive IMO, but not necessarily a “problem”, escalated heavily when his dad died. This was around when I became pregnant with our 3rd child.
> 
> ...


You're not young? You're 34! If that seems old to you, that's something else to discuss with your therapist. And I'd bet my next paycheck that while you may have let the circumstances of your situation allow you to let yourself go, you probably clean up real nice. I guarantee you no good 34 year old woman need be alone unless she wants to. And that doesn't mean settling again... it means being with someone worthy of you. You will not "get old and die alone" unless that's your chosen path. Let me clue you into something... guys your age (as well as a good deal older and younger) aren't looking for Maxim cover girls. They are looking for women with some substance, and you're it. 

If the level of abuse is as bad as you describe it (and I suspect it's actually worse), then it shouldn't be so hard to decide whether alone is better than this. Had you just a little more self esteem, it's be quite obvious to you as well as the rest of us. Hell, alone and poor is better than tied to an abuser. 

So take care of yourself (and your kids). Get yourself squared away, which means coming to understand your real worth; it's well beyond what you are giving yourself credit for, I promise. After you're comfortable in your own skin, then you can worry about alone or with someone. And doing this will be the best example you could possibly set for your kids.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

HorseShowMom said:


> Thank you all so much for your advice and feedback. I’ll go ahead and elaborate on a few points for clarification-
> 
> The drinking, which has always been a bit excessive IMO, but not necessarily a “problem”, escalated heavily when his dad died. This was around when I became pregnant with our 3rd child.
> 
> ...


Yup, no matter if you both now have nice things, but..... He is self absorbed in victimhood and it's rubbing off on you. It hurts to hear a woman degrade herself, and genuinely believe it. You must have had a family idol who endured so much more, but while you think it's normal it is not. As far as keeping the farm may not be a possibility. But which it worth more your personal self imagining of a safe fulfilled atomsphere one that your children can see a strong willing Woman who stood alone and did what their father could not.

Damn every woman has a beauty that a true man see, and one off the top of my head is a beautiful heart, strong spirit, a sense of humor, a loving smile. Full stop you are worth so much more if you here this from a stranger imagine what it will be when a man gets to know you. 

More to come
Tilted


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Welcome to TAM hun.

I’m sorry for the situation that brought you here. You are still young, and have so much of your adult life ahead of you. Please stop thinking that you have no hope of a life with a partner outside of your currently abusive one. That is only true if you decide to make it that way.

I think you need to make a list of goals, and set a timeline of a year or less to accomplish most of them. On the list should be:

Consulting with a divorce attorney to get a clear picture of what divorce would look like realistically.

Gather and copy proof of income and assets. 

Join AL-ANON. 

Make new friends or reestablish with family and old friends, to build your support system.

Join a gym, and go on a diet plan (low carb/Keto works well for a lot of people.) Drop any excess weight you have. If you have an extremely large amount to lose (as your comments about yourself seem to allude, check into weight loss surgery). Tone up your body through exercise. Consider group classes for a lot of this.

Get a new hair do, buy a few cute outfits, including panties and bras. Do a makeup consultation with a professional and buy some new make up.

Make an effort to have more fun. Games with the kids, movie night with new friends etc. Start a happy life, outside of him.

When the time comes to serve him with divorce papers, be the best person you can be at that time. Getting served with papers may be his first slap of reality. I doubt he believes you will ever leave. He thinks he has you trapped. He is wrong...you can get out of this.

Who knows though, maybe the reality of losing you will force him into AA and recovery. Sometimes that is what it takes. I think you can still have a happy, successful life. You just need to want it, and put in the work to get it!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

HorseShowMom said:


> Thank you all so much for your advice and feedback. I’ll go ahead and elaborate on a few points for clarification-
> 
> The drinking, which has always been a bit excessive IMO, but not necessarily a “problem”, escalated heavily when his dad died. This was around when I became pregnant with our 3rd child.
> 
> ...



I think you are so beaten down that you cannot see the wood from the trees. You have to take one step at a time.
YOu say all you do is work, have no friends, etc. There are some things you can do for yourself for which you do not need him. He is a selfish piece of crap, probably very screwed up due to his past, maybe even a narcissist as he seems to have no empathy for you.
Is there any way you can get someone in to help with the farm work or even the house work ( a farm hand, or a housekeeper?)
He is good at providing financially so use that as leverage, tell him how wonderful a provider he is and how awesome his friends, etc will think he is providing you with a housekeeper, etc.
You have to learn to handle him to get what you need. Emotionally detach from him.
Then get yourself some friends, join a local club, go dancing, join a gym, do something so that you are not so isolated and dependent on him.
In the meantime, start ferreting away some money, keep records of all your financials, keep the peace, start working on your exit plan. The kids will grow up eventually.
I think you would not feel so bad if you had an outlet. Continue with the counselling. At 34 years of age you have so much of your life left so please don't think you are too old, my goodness you are just a baby! How old are your kids?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

He can't own up to his problems because alcohol owns him.

An alcoholic is pleasant for some minutes while they are drinking, then all goes bad.

You married a flesh and blood man, now are married to a bottle of booze.

The more proof of this you need is the amount of proof that he drinks.

It sounds like he is still a functional alcoholic. How long will that last?

He is steady enough to work, not steady enough to work on his marriage.

Look to a friend or a family member to help you while you get him out, or you move out, and start a new life, while you are still rather young.

It will become a process, millions of ladies, before you, have worked themselves free and are now happy.



KB-


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Sweetie,

Your ego has taken a beating from this abuse. That is not uncommon in situations such as you are currently in. I am 100% certain you are a beautiful and wonderful person. I want you to repeat this one hundred times per day until it sinks in. “ I am a beautiful,loving,wonderful mom, and a fine person”. You should discuss with your counselor your self esteem. A good counselor can do wonders for you.

As for your husband, I have seen firsthand what alcohol does as my late father boozed it up for years. My mom gave him an ultimatum,
Quit drinking or I am gone. He got the message, went to Hazelden for six weeks, and came back a better person and did not drink for 20 years. You may want to discuss this with him in joint counseling.

I am reading between the lines perhaps, but I hope he is not abusive to your children. That would send me over the top.

Stay strong.


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## HorseShowMom (Oct 7, 2019)

It’s not been easy to face the truth about my relationship. This marriage hasn’t been fun, but I’ve hesitated for so long to call it abusive. My therapist has been talking about an exit plan and protecting myself for months, and I’ve been sitting here like an idiot defending him. I’ve been making excuses for him, and honestly believing that my therapist doesn’t understand because I’m just not doing well enough at explaining things. 
I’m beginning to think the “undesirable physical contact” I’ve been dealing with may be leading up to more serious physical abuse as well. It’s time to get out, and the feedback I’ve gotten here has been a very clear confirmation of that. 
I’ve got an appointment with my therapist tomorrow afternoon and am currently compiling a list of questions and topics to cover as we work on getting the children and I out of the situation. 

As I face the truth here, and really consider the way this marriage has destroyed me from the inside out, I’m realizing that I’ll have quite a bit of baggage to work through.

I’m also realizing, with your encouragement, that I have so much to look forward to. My goodness this is going to be difficult, but I do look forward to finding myself again.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I am glad that you are getting some clarity and plan to make your exit. We will be here for you! Please keep posting so we can keep encouraging you. We all want to see you happy and thriving and are here to help until you are!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Since he has threatened that he would disappear before he would pay spousal or child support, you need to speak to an attorney urgently about how to protect yourself from him doing that. It’s illegal for him to even attempt to do this, so keep that in mind, he doesn’t just get to decide he’s not going to pay it and disappear.

He’s just trying to use scare tactics to control you.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

HorseShowMom said:


> At this point in time, my ability to financially support the children and myself is tied directly to my ability to run the farm and keep the property, so I just don’t feel like I can reasonably walk away. He’s made it clear that he will quit his job and disappear before he pays child or spousal support, and I’m not sure I could take care of all the bills on my own. (Working on that currently!)


What a complete POS.

He'd be doing the world a favor, disappearing. And he can take 5 more just like himself WITH him. 

If the imbecile really does just disappear, then that would eventually leave all the spoils for you while he lives in the woods or takes on a different identity. But he's such an ass-clown that I don't believe for one minute he has the *intelligence* or the testicular fortitude to successfully DO it and get away with it. He's your typical ass-hole bully with a big mouth but doesn't have the stones to actually do anything.

I honestly don't know *how* you keep yourself from throat punching this degenerate every single day. I really don't. Getting RID of him for good would be an excellent substitute for it, however.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

HSM, Hope your doing ok, it's been days since you were here, and don't share with you H what your talking about here. This place is just for you. Do hope you post soon. 

Best

Tilted


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## HorseShowMom (Oct 7, 2019)

Right now, I’m trying my best to stay strong mentally and not get sucked back into believing he’s not the bad guy here. It’s tough. I’m so forgiving, and have never been one to hold a grudge.
I don’t know why I wake up every morning, make his coffee and bring it to him asking how I can “make him happy” today. I guess I’m just afraid to change the routine for fear of how he’ll react and what’ll happen in front of the kids. 
I wanted him to be in a good mood today, so I sent the kids out to play and surprised him with some pretty athletic shower sex. (Spoiler alert- he was still a **** afterward) 
But I’m mostly just hurt that he tried to skip our oldest kids birthday party today. He wanted to stay home and drink, instead of pizza and laser tag with the kids & friends. No thought about how our 6 year old son might feel. I had to beg him to come, and even when he agreed, he wouldn’t go to town with us. So I got all 3 kids ready and the party set up alone because it was more important for him to get a half bottle of wine in him and drive down to the party half an hour late. Then he sat alone in a corner on his phone almost the whole time. I feel like I’m pretty justified in being irritated about the whole thing. Or am I just being petty and dramatic?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

No, you are not being petty or dramatic, he was being a complete ass by not wanting to participate! What a selfish jerk. The fact that he wanted nothing to do with his own child’s birthday party should tell you exactly the kind of person that he is. 



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

HorseShowMom said:


> I guess I’m just afraid to change the routine for fear of how he’ll react and what’ll happen in front of the kids.
> I wanted him to be in a good mood today, so I sent the kids out to play and surprised him with some pretty athletic shower sex. (Spoiler alert- he was still a **** afterward)


Life is full of two-choice dilemmas. You want to start making changes, but at the same time you don't want your husband to know this. So nothing changes. 

You are not responsible for your husband's mood! Yes, there can be consequences if he looses his temper, but your therapist can likely help you understand how to best manage this and come up with an exit plan.


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## HorseShowMom (Oct 7, 2019)

For anyone following the saga... H called on his lunch break to ask if I “want a divorce or what?” I didn’t feel like it was fair to toss that at me as if there’s so little at stake. Talking went nowhere, as usual, but I did send him a message hoping he’d think about all of this while he’s still sober. 

Here’s what I said:

“Look, I want to stay together. I love you. I love our kids. I love the plan that we have for the future and am not taking any of this lightly. I just don’t know what I can do to get through to you. I’ve been hurting for years. This relationship has just torn me up from the inside out. The fact that I’ve come to you for love and support that you refuse to give over and over as you’ve literally watched me fall apart for a decade is kind of a big deal. The emotional abuse, the gaslighting and shutting me out? The drunken rape? It’s a big huge ****ing deal. Whether you want to face it or not. It all takes a toll. I can try all day, but I don’t see things getting better on my end until I have the time and space to heal. I’m not upset with you. I’m hope you’ve noticed through the years that I’m pretty forgiving and not one to hold a grudge. I just can’t promise you anything at this point. I wish you could be a little more honest about your own struggles and the effect that those obstacles have on our family. I wish you could find happiness somewhere in the life we have. I wish you could feel empathy and love and peace and joy without it all being contingent on future achievements. I wish you could take a moment and look at yourself. Really look. On the inside. I wish you could understand how I feel and how I got here. We’ve been as good for each other as we’ve been bad. But the scale is going to tip. It’s up to you which direction it goes. I understand either way.”

Ultimately, I hope he chooses to get help. I hope he tries to meet me halfway and make this work. But, if he doesn’t want to stand by me and try together, I’m okay with it being over. Life goes on either way, right?


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## HorseShowMom (Oct 7, 2019)

Well, here I go second guessing myself and questioning my sanity again. I’m actually sick from the anxiety. Hopefully this is the worst of it, but I have a feeling “rock bottom” might still be a ways away.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

No, rock bottom was living with him. 

You used the words "drunken rape". Please think about this. He is a rapist. Not someone you ever want near you or near your kids. 

This isn't a relationship problem. This is not someone you *should* forgive. I doubt you will find a single person who knows the entire story who thinks that you should forgive or stay with a rapist. (for those not familiar with the thread, "rapist" is no exaggeration, we are talking about physically restraining a screaming victim, not something anywhere near a grey area.)









HorseShowMom said:


> Well, here I go second guessing myself and questioning my sanity again. I’m actually sick from the anxiety. Hopefully this is the worst of it, but I have a feeling “rock bottom” might still be a ways away.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

HorseShowMom said:


> I’m just exhausted, and tired of being called a lazy piece of crap every single day... Like even if this divorce thing gets sorted out, even if I find a way to make it on my own, is it really worth the loneliness? Is it worth getting old and dying alone?


Being alone does not equate to loneliness. Leave this unhealthy relationship. 



HorseShowMom said:


> I’m not young. I’m not attractive. I don’t “go out”. I don’t have friends or family that I’m close to. I’m absolutely terrified at the thought of ever trying to have sex with someone else. No decent man would touch this **** show with a ten foot pole.


This is the ramifications of the abuse talking. 



HorseShowMom said:


> But the kids are getting to an age where they’re noticing how he treats me, and I know I owe it to them to set a better example.


You are wise to recognize this. And you owe it to yourself too.



HorseShowMom said:


> I feel like I’m pretty justified in being irritated about the whole thing. Or am I just being petty and dramatic?


It will take time to recognize that your feelings are valid because you are feeling them. Until then, no you are not being petty and dramatic.



HorseShowMom said:


> Life goes on either way, right?


It sure does!... and can so without abuse and rape. I have read other posts elsewhere by you, although hadn't responded. Just so you know, I may be a random woman on the interwebz, but I'm absolutely cheering for you from the sidelines. In case you don't see yourself in this light, or perhaps it serves as a gentle reminder, here's what I perceive:

You take care of your business... the family, animals, land. You handle responsibilities. You are giving, compassionate, and considerate to your family. You're open to feedback and self-reflection. This is a process through therapy, which I commend you for undertaking. You express vulnerability to share and ask questions. You are opening to see things as they are, and making steps to change your situation. Please take a moment for yourself in recognizing how significant that is. And you're right, it's going to take time to work through some things with your therapist, but that's okay. Keep seeking advise, reach out to others where you can, and particularly from the professionals (counseling, legal etc) - and keep stepping forward.


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## HorseShowMom (Oct 7, 2019)

Thank you, @heartsbeating for your kind words and support. 

He hasn’t had a drink since I said it was over last week, and things have been very calm around the house. I’m still staying at the moment, as long as he continues to stay sober, go to A.A., and see a therapist. We’ll see what happens. This is his first attempt at cleaning up his act, and I’m aware that it’s also considered a part of the abuse cycle. I also know that I don’t “owe” him anything and that if I want to leave at any time, that is my right. I’m working on paying off debt and cleaning up finances so I’ll be better prepared for whatever comes next.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Hey, @HorseShowMom just checking in to see how the past couple of weeks have gone for you. How are his changes holding up? How are you feeling?


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## HorseShowMom (Oct 7, 2019)

Thanks @hubbyintrubby for checking in. I can’t say the past few weeks have been anything special. He’s back to drinking and I’m back to feeling like an absolute waste of life. Just going through the motions, I guess. 
I did finally let my therapist know how bad things were at home. I think I caught her off guard when I mentioned specifics. I shouldn’t have said anything because now everything is just awkward. I feel disgusting. And lonely. And the only reason I’m even still alive is because I know my kids don’t have anyone else to take care of them. They seem okay though. At least the kids are happy. My parents flipped out on me for even trying to talk about leaving him. I think maybe they’re afraid I’ll ask for money or something. Anyway, same old hell over here. I can’t really complain too much though. It is what it is. But I swear, sometimes I’d sell my soul the have someone tell me I’m anything other than a piece of garbage.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

HorseShowMom said:


> Thanks @hubbyintrubby for checking in. I can’t say the past few weeks have been anything special. He’s back to drinking and I’m back to feeling like an absolute waste of life. Just going through the motions, I guess.
> I did finally let my therapist know how bad things were at home. I think I caught her off guard when I mentioned specifics. I shouldn’t have said anything because now everything is just awkward. I feel disgusting. And lonely. And the only reason I’m even still alive is because I know my kids don’t have anyone else to take care of them. They seem okay though. At least the kids are happy. My parents flipped out on me for even trying to talk about leaving him. I think maybe they’re afraid I’ll ask for money or something. Anyway, same old hell over here. I can’t really complain too much though. It is what it is. But I swear, sometimes I’d sell my soul the have someone tell me I’m anything other than a piece of garbage.


I can tell that you have a very low opinion of yourself and that makes me very sad. Here's the thing. He can change...for a week at a time, then it's back to the status quo. It will always be back to the status quo. I'm sure you did catch your therapist off guard, but that's only because you hadn't been giving her the whole truth...the REAL truth up until now. In that regard, I'm sure she has a much clearer picture of what makes the current you, you. 

You are not disgusting...you may be feeling lonely, but you are not disgusting. The things you have been subject to by your husband is the only disgusting thing happening here. I can almost guarantee that you kids are not "okay"...kids are smart and they are intelligent enough to pick up when things in a home are not right...and this is not right, not by a mile. They know more than you think they do. You are a smart, resilient woman who can handle this and more. You know this isn't right, your kids know this isn't right, your husband knows this isn't right and now your therapist knows this isn't right. 

I'm sure if your parents knew what you know...they wouldn't be half as upset about you leaving as they are now. They'd probably want to kill the guy themselves.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

HorseShowMom said:


> Thanks @hubbyintrubby for checking in. I can’t say the past few weeks have been anything special. He’s back to drinking and I’m back to feeling like an absolute waste of life. Just going through the motions, I guess.
> I did finally let my therapist know how bad things were at home. I think I caught her off guard when I mentioned specifics. I shouldn’t have said anything because now everything is just awkward. I feel disgusting. And lonely. And the only reason I’m even still alive is because I know my kids don’t have anyone else to take care of them. They seem okay though. At least the kids are happy. My parents flipped out on me for even trying to talk about leaving him. I think maybe they’re afraid I’ll ask for money or something. Anyway, same old hell over here. I can’t really complain too much though. It is what it is. But I swear, sometimes I’d sell my soul the have someone tell me I’m anything other than a piece of garbage.


Well done on opening up more to your therapist. Have you discussed any goals of what you would like to achieve from the sessions? I don't mean for you to answer that here, however, I interpret that you trust your therapist given that you're opening up so please continue on that route for yourself and your children.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

How are you, HSM?


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