# I love you but I'm not In Love with you



## Brystensmom (Feb 3, 2014)

Hi, I am new here, and I don't know where else to go or who else to turn to. SO I hope to gain something from posting this.

My husband of 8 years asked to be separated. He moved out last week, it was kind of abrupt. We had just come back from a vacation to the Bahamas and we actually had a a good time, no arguing or anything but it felt weird to me, like we where just hanging out like friends. He never mentioned he loved me or did anything romantic.. there was no real feeling involved. I didn't say anything at the time but when we got home I did decide to say something to home before i went to work. Then he tells me that he loves me but he is not in love with me and that he has never really been in love with me since we met 12 years ago.

To be fair i don't want to make this too long but my H is a recovering alcohol and drug addict(cocaine). I was not, he has been sober for almost 3 years now. About a year after he came back from rehab he did admit to me that He wasn't sure if he was ever really "In love" with me but that he loved me very dearly, but he was unhappy in our relationship and he needed to have that feeling, he craved it.

SO I assumed that he was not attracted to me. I had gained alot of weight since we had been together, although he did not meet me when i was super skinny, i had weight one me when we met but since we been together I gained alot more weight. 

SO anyways when he said that to me i was hurt and shocked and confused and we tried to work it out and go to counseling and i also joined the gym... and things had been going along ok and we did more things together spent more quality time together, he continued going to his AA meetings(and he still does)

But now he says that he feels that it is the right time now that we separate, because he is unsure what the separation will do for his feelings. Ive asked him if there was somebody else in the picture and he says that there isnt and that this is something he has been thinking about for a long time and feels he needs to do for himself.

Im so hurt by this we have a 3 years old son together and a 13 year old who is my step son but has been with him since he was 2 years old. 

I just dont know what to do. He did not ask for a divorce and when i ask him why does he want to stay married since he knows he doesnt want to be in the relationship he tells me that he is not asking for a divorce because his feelings could change and he doesnt know what the separation will do to his feelings.

That is what causes the most confusion. He says he still wants to be a family man, and be a husband but he doesnt have the feelings that a man should have for his wife in the romantic sense for me and he doesnt believe that he can ever feel that way about me. That we are just really good friends.. he just happen to spend 12 years of our lives together.

What do I do....... Im devestated and so hurt

Im trying to move on each day by each day, He tells me he feels relived and doesnt have that pressure anymore to force himself to be romantic. It kills me really to come to it

He wants to remain friends and we still have to co-parent and there is alot that needs to be discussed, but I told him today that there is no way we can be friends right now, and we should only talk or see each other when it has something to do with our kids.....


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

I am so sorry you here. See a doctor if you need to. The pain is real. 

Brace yourself.

I think he's cheating. "I love you but not in love" is a huge cheater line.

You need to secretly investigate to find out what you are up against. Search his cell records, keylog his computer, voice activated recorder in his car etc. 

Do this and find out the truth. We will guide you from there.


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## Brystensmom (Feb 3, 2014)

Ive been reading and researching about the meaning behind what he is saying, and to be honest with you I truly do not beleive he is cheating. I admit that I have also not been happy. I lived every single day with him being in fear that he might leave me so everything i i ever did was to please him and make sure he felt safe and secure and i completey forgot about myself... which explains the weight gain, he never complained about it so i never did anything about. I am unhappy with my weight and i can not honestly say that when i look in the mirror im happy with what I see, and this I know is something that i do have control over and i can change and I will be working on that In the mean time. But our relationship is in shambles and so is my heart and soul... this man who i dedicated my life to and we shared our dreams our desires with its slipping away


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

You need to rule out the affair. I don't believe is not good enough.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Brystensmom (Feb 3, 2014)

I understand GutPunch. I'm trying everyday to get through this. I've done the phone stalking and facebook stalking, but Ive ruled out the cheating part at this point. I mean it's possible he could be hiding it in a different way that I'm not aware of, so when i say I dont think it's cheating I dont have any evidence that it is, and I have asked him he denies it but At any rate he has still left the house he only took a few clothes with him and we where still communicating and acting like we could truly just be friends. And it broke my heart but I had to tell him we cant be friends right now, its counter productive to me moving forward. I just read the 180 and i know now that i made the right choice in telling him that and sticking with it. I appreciate your support becuase god knows.. this man has been my best friend.. my lover.. my entire life and now he is gone. sorry for all the spelling and grammatically errors


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

OK then....180 will help you detach.

Get counseling if you need it.

Join a gym. Hang out with the girls. 
Focus on you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

In going through the exact same thing right now & it's killing me  my husband has decided it's over after getting clean 3mths ago, I'm heartbroken.

Pls inbox me if you want to chat with me or share experiences. Hugs.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Living your life for someone else is no way to live. Not only does it put your well being in someone else's hands, but when things go poorly your self-esteem goes in the $hitter.

Start working on yourself, live healthy, lose some weight, be there for your kids and start doing things you have always wanted to do but never could.

If he isn't cheating then working on yourself, being more confident, more active is going to make you more attractive. 

Just as an aside, your H has a number of pretty serious issues. Are you sure he may not be going on a bender? 

You might also want to start reading. Try to figure out where this relationship went South and how you contributed to it. Based on what you've written, I think Co-dependent No More would be a good start. 

When you get through that one we can send another couple suggestions your way.

Have you discussed the boundaries surrounding this separation? It would be helpful to find out what he has in mind, i.e. dating others.

Where is he going to be living? What are your child-care arrangements?


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## Mainstays (Jul 29, 2013)

I am so sorry you're having this experience. The 180 really helps and is helping me now. Someone posted the link for me so I thought I would share it with you. The Healing Heart: The 180

Take care of yourself and you will get through this. There is nothing that can get you down, everyone heals over time. Someday you will look back at this and laugh and be relieved. Why not start now?


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## Brystensmom (Feb 3, 2014)

Ok tron, yeah I realized my very serious codependency issues and I was actually going to Coda meetings in my area. Then I stopped going when I thought things where getting better. I.did ask him what his intentions where reguarding the situation he said trying to date people or talk to other people is not his concern at this point. He doesn't seem to be drinking again and is very dedicated to his sobriety and continues to go to meetings. He is staying with a friend a male friend that goes to meetings with him. Our child care arrangements are the same he picks or soon up from day care spends time with him and then brings him home when I get off. I have been keeping up with diet and excersise but I'm still hurting. Some days I'm sad and others I'm angry. Idk what I'm even really doing




Tron said:


> Living your life for someone else is no way to live. Not only does it put your well being in someone else's hands, but when things go poorly your self-esteem goes in the $hitter.
> 
> Start working on yourself, live healthy, lose some weight, be there for your kids and start doing things you have always wanted to do but never could.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Well, by all indications, there are folks on here in a lot worse situation than you. 

Get back into your meetings. Start developing yourself. Get into a weight loss program. He doesn't sound like he is completely done with you but may just believe the M is in dire need of makeover. 

Read about the 180, you may want to modify it somewhat. This isn't a cheating spouse situation and you share a kid together so some contact is inevitable. Make the limited contact you have with your H something positive and try not to discuss the relationship.

When he is around try and stay cheerful, like you don't have a care in the world. Let's see what he does after a couple of weeks.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Brystensmom, You've been living by fear and uncertainty. The problem is it's really counter productive. The things you need to do for your own well being (mental & physical) are the same things that give you the best shot at salvaging your marriage. It makes sense really? You're probably not the same woman he fell in love with. First things first. Be selfish, treat yourself with respect, hold yourself accountable, and remember you don't have control of others. Only yourself and how you let others treat you.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Thundarr said:


> Brystensmom, You've been living by fear and uncertainty. The problem is it's really counter productive. The things you need to do for your own well being (mental & physical) are the same things that give you the best shot at salvaging your marriage. It makes sense really? You're probably not the same woman he fell in love with. First things first. Be selfish, treat yourself with respect, hold yourself accountable, and remember you don't have control of others. Only yourself and how you let others treat you.


:iagree:


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## Brystensmom (Feb 3, 2014)

It's another day, Im still going to the gym and moving on, Im not initiating the contact with my H or trying to talk about anything thats not neutral.. like the kids or family and what not.

I go to open my phone and start a text then i remember that I don't need to do all that and then I don't text him at all.

SLowly I am trying to just really move on, it hurts becuase it feels so forced. I do believe that I do want to be with this man, but I know we both have changes that need to be made in our lives and I realize I don't want to live in fear that if I dont do something he will leave me

My biggest fear came true so now im forced to deal with it. I dont know what he is doing or feeling, but im sure he is dealing with it in his own way. He checked out on the relationship once he realized why he was not happy after getting sober. So all the "trying" he claimed to be doing was prolonging the eventual separation.

It's hard to try and get over that.. but i do beleive in a higher power and u surrender my will to the higher power everyday and i just keep swimming.

Im glad i can vent and just say what i need to say on here and there are people who understand.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Hang in there B. Doin well.


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## Brystensmom (Feb 3, 2014)

another bad day for me. Its hard to keep moving along and God knows I'm trying. My heart hurts, I try not to think about it day and night and put on a brave face for our kids but at night when everyone is asleep I cry... i cry so hard i think i actually pass out. I wonder how long this will last


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

Brystensmom, take a strong position and don't let his moving out destroy you. He left you and you have to deal with the hurt, so why let him still control you? 

Show him you mean business. Tell him you don't want to talk to him and you have zero intention of ever being his friend and don't want to deal with his sorry ass. In fact, get a lawyer and serve him divorce papers. 

I say this all the time, you cannot force someone to love you. You deserve someone who does, so grin and bear it and just move on. One day at a time. Hurts now, but with focus, you will get over it sooner than you think.


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## Brystensmom (Feb 3, 2014)

Thanks everyone for your encouragement. I appreciate it.

It seems like such a hard concept to accept.

When I spoke to my H last he finally said He did want a divorce, but is not 100% sure. At any rate I have accepted that this is what is happening... It took me some time I composed a Good bye letter and read it to him. I told him I will let him go and we will move forward.

I still have my own life to continue to live and I plan on doing that.

Last night was the first night since this happened that I slept the entire night through without dreaming endlessly about him.

I did however wake up and remeber him right away and how he is not there, i suppose it will be that way for a while Untill I re train my brain.

I am feeling positive and focusing on my weight loss. So thats good!

lol im sure ill be back next week crying about something but untill then One day at a time..


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

Ok just relax. The 180 will help you. Follow it to a tee. It works trust me. 
Read my thread " I Think we're Done" it sounds very similar to yours. 
This will take time. Be patient. Feel free to pm me or comment. I can help you as can many here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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