# NOT MY MESS



## mrs brady (May 3, 2020)

So my husband, does not do much around the house, we have a gardener for the lawn. He complains about but takes out the trash once a week. Omg if he has to take in the cans poor him. I do the laundry, cook, work FT, clean the house, do the grocery shopping and pay all the bills. He smokes 20 dollar cigars and plays on his phone all day. There are tons of things needing to be fixed and he ignores our 100K pool its building up hard calcification on the sides. Yesterday we got in some packages and I asked him to take the boxes out. There they sat on the table, I said could you please take out the boxes. He said, :Its Not My Mess, its yours. My problem is I have to do everything and its getting to me. I asked what do you do? He does not even work right now. He told me he picks up dog droppings in the yard and does the dishes ( The sink is full ). I have a couple other blogs on here about him. Nothing is changing. I hope me talking to him today again will make him realize I need a partner. I am so overwhelmed with NO help I told him I need a partner, he thinks that if he doesnt make the mess he shouldnt have to clean up. He lives with me and two of my kids so I guess he thinks ME and My Kids should do everything.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Nothing changes if nothing changes. You've talked to him before. He hasn't changed. My guess is your talks mean zip as far as he's concerned. More than likely, he just tunes you out and only hears "blah, blah, blah ...". 

Until you put a serious boundary in place as to what you will and will not accept, you will remain the party responsible for everything except the "dog droppings." Maybe you should pick up and remove the largest "dropping" of them all ... your worthless husband.


----------



## Marriednatlanta (Sep 21, 2016)

mrs brady said:


> So my husband, does not do much around the house, we have a gardener for the lawn. He complains about but takes out the trash once a week. Omg if he has to take in the cans poor him. I do the laundry, cook, work FT, clean the house, do the grocery shopping and pay all the bills. He smokes 20 dollar cigars and plays on his phone all day. There are tons of things needing to be fixed and he ignores our 100K pool its building up hard calcification on the sides. Yesterday we got in some packages and I asked him to take the boxes out. There they sat on the table, I said could you please take out the boxes. He said, :Its Not My Mess, its yours. My problem is I have to do everything and its getting to me. I asked what do you do? He does not even work right now. He told me he picks up dog droppings in the yard and does the dishes ( The sink is full ). I have a couple other blogs on here about him. Nothing is changing. I hope me talking to him today again will make him realize I need a partner. I am so overwhelmed with NO help I told him I need a partner, he thinks that if he doesnt make the mess he shouldnt have to clean up. He lives with me and two of my kids so I guess he thinks ME and My Kids should do everything.



Soo stop doing everything....just take care your needs (clothes, food, kids). Doesn’t seem like rocket science.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

You have a 100k pool?


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You are married to a 'man' who seems to be a lazy, idle loafer. 

What do you want? You want him to be the man he should be?

If he can't do that, I think you need to fire him.


----------



## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Did you get a huge settlement in your previous divorce?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mrs brady said:


> I am running a small business Corporation so I have many jobs to do, I was making 85k thats good money but without his 120 thats nothing. His 401K is only 140k not enough to retire on. Yes we are not on the same page. The bomb is actually going off because he has been offered a new job and isnt taking it. Sleeps until 11 and has a fancy breakfast and plays phone poker all day while smoking his 20 dollar cigars all day. There are so many things to do around our house, for one thing our huge pool needs attention, I guess I am going to have to get a pool man. We already have a Gardner, and I had to hire a handy man to do a face lift on the front yard. He takes out the trash on Thursdays and now a couple of times during the week I caught him actually doing the dishes. Just this morning we had a huge fight ( sigh ) because I asked him yesterday to take some boxes outside and they were still there today. I had to do it, he said it was my mess. I actually did a post on that today. Not My Mess, My two older kids are here college students that had to return home due to covid. They do most of the cleaning. But he thinks everything is my mess because HE DIDNT DO IT> He said those words. So I said, your not being a partner I need help. *I was working in my office and he came to get me to cook something for him.* I am full of resentment. He does nothing, I do everything. He is LAZY. I have no problem with him retiring early I am even willing to sell the house and change our life style he isnt. I would love to have a simple life. The reason were behind on our taxes is because last year he slept alot and stayed home from work were talking 3 days a week. He would get drunk and have a hang over and diarrhea ( sorry) and complain of a bad back so he signed up for FMLA he got his job protected and was off 144 days. He literally would wake up for work and hit the alarm saying I dont feel like going to work today. We were in such financially distress we had to cash in his parents IRA and use it for income to not loose our home. Meanwhile yes 17,000 in taxes. That year I was just starting my business and didnt have much of an income but enough to survive. Sad sorry, I wanted to leave then but got diagnosed with cancer and had to have surgery I needed his health insurance and a secure home. We currently have health insurance through my company that I made from scratch that was making good money and now has slowed down due to the epidemic, so I am stuck again I hope things get better soon. The last 17 days have been nice, until today, he woke up moody again and flipped out when I got mad about no help. Yes he drank last night, I am thinking hang over again. Thanks for your insight, tell me what you think


I got the above quoted post from your other thread. It has a lot more info than what you posted in the original post (OP) on this thread.

First I'm going to address this from the quoted post: _"_*I was working in my office and he came to get me to cook something for him. I am full of resentment."*

Did you really go cook for him when he made this demand? I'm assuming that you did. So I have to ask you WHY? What would he do if you said no and told him to make his own food?

Your husband is an alcoholic. He's driving you two to bankruptcy. Are you considering getting out of this situation before is all collapses on top of you?


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Your husband is an alcoholic. He's driving you two to bankruptcy.


I did not realize OP was married to an alcoholic until I went back to read her other posts. Trying to discuss anything with an A is an exercise in futility. And from what I've read in OP's other posts, it appears she is venting but doing nothing concrete and proactive to remedy her situation.

Pain is inevitable in this life; however, misery IS an option. Seriously.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> I did not realize OP was married to an alcoholic until I went back to read her other posts. Trying to discuss anything with an A is an exercise in futility. And from what I've read in OP's other posts, it appears she is venting but doing nothing concrete and proactive to remedy her situation.
> 
> Pain is inevitable in this life; however, misery IS an option. Serioiusly.


From @*mrs brady's* previous threads/posts her husband is an alcoholic, refuses to look for a job, he's been offered a good job and won't take it, and will not take responsibility for anything at home.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

@EleGirl - It would behoove the OP to get into counseling and check out Al-Anon. She sounds like the classic enabler. Sadly, she's taking ownership, to an extent, of her husband's issues. Hopefully, she'll find her way back to her own side of the street.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No.

Move on.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@*mrs brady,*

You need to see an attorney about divorcing this guy. The sooner you do it the better because if you are not careful you will be stuck with paying him alimony. The closer you get to 10 years married, the more likely you will end up paying him life-long alimony. Up to 10 years marriage, it's usually paying alimony for 50% of the length of the marriage. From 10 years on it's life long. You need a good attorney that can force the issue that he can support himself and he can earn more than you. 

Have you ever considered that maybe he realizes that you might be thinking of divorce. So by him refusing to get a job, he might not have to pay you alimony? A good attorney will fight this and have the income from is previous job considered during the divorce. The longer you put up with his self imposed unemployment, the stronger his case is that he cannot earn a living and that you accepted it and you re now the sole breadwinner in the relationship.

This guy is so playing you. Please get tough and smart.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> @EleGirl - It would behoove the OP to get into counseling and check out Al-Anon. She sounds like the classic enabler. Sadly, she's taking ownership, to an extent, of her husband's issues. Hopefully, she'll find her way back to her own side of the street.


*@mrs brady,* 

Prodigal is right. You have turned into an enabler, or what is called 'codependent'. What is codependency? It's when you end up putting the needs of someone else ahead of your own to your own detriment. I liken it to the little Dutch boy to puts his finger in the hole in the dam so the water cannot run through.. if he takes his finger out the water is going to drown him. If he stands there trying to hold the water back, the water will eventually breakup the dam and drown the boy. The only way for the boy to save himself is to pull his finger out and RUN LIKE HELL!

Here is a book suggestion for you. The book addressed codependency in relationships like yours and how to stop being the codependent enabler. Please read it for your own sake.

*Codependent No More & Beyond Codependency* by Melody Beattie


----------



## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

My question is: How long has the original poster been married? I went through something similar when my hubby and I first got married 8 years ago. "A wife should take care of her husband" was his thought; while he sat on the computer most of the day..and would only do the things he enjoyed such as vacuuming the carpets over and over again; and cutting the lawn three times a week.

Used to drive me nuts when he'd leave the vacuum in the middle of our living room for daaays on end...telling me he wasn't finished with it yet. I'd finally put it back because I was tired of walking around it..and he'd make me get it out again as, "He wasn't finished with it yet!!" This and many many other things that drove each of us nuts about the other..can't tell you how many times we thought we were headed for Divorce Court...

Marriage is a work in progress though and 8 years later things are pretty great. He's a neat freak when it comes to cleaning, so I let him do much of it; as I never seem to do it well enough. He's also an amazing cook and loves to experiment with recipes on a daily basis; while I'm more one that does my home cooking for him. On the other hand, I'm a neat freak also..but in other ways. Can't stand a messy disorganized house (including cupboards) and crap laying all over the place drives me totally BONKERS!! So I keep the house picked up (which is a REAL job most of the time!!) as he leaves everything lay right where he left it (Including all the paper towels he uses that NEVER seem to end up in the garbage..), do all the dusting, laundry, make sure the bills are paid on time, make the beds and change the bedding weekly. In addition, I remind him to take his meds, give him back rubs for his sore back, etc. We do our grocery shopping TOGETHER, as he's a menace in the grocery store when going alone. Brings home bags and bags and BAGS full of things we don't really need, "Because it was on sale.." while I put it away in my organized cupboards and refrigerator...while he goes out to "putter around" in our garage with our two dogs...."leaving me at it". Getting him to fix something though...OMWord...a total month of Sundays that we often joke about. He'll get to it eventually. Nagging at him never got me anywhere before..and gets me nowhere now so I just let it sit until he finally get's to it, "surprising" me with this big grin on his face..."Seee?? I did get it done!! Took me a year but it's finally done" HAHA!!

It's amazing how we've just gotten into a rhythm that works for us. I don't nag about his messes at all anymore and just let him go about his incessant vacuuming and cleaning with a constant "Lysol" bottle in hand..LOL!! In addition to becoming a pretty great hubby, he's also my best friend. <3

There REALLY is light at the end of the tunnel re marriages full of arguing, him nagging, her nagging, etc. As mentioned before, I NEVER in a million years would have thought we'd make it thru our first year of our 8 year marriage..as all we did was fight about EVERYTHING!! To the original poster..hang in there..

Sorry this is sooo long but I just wanted to share some thoughts. Thanks for reading.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

memyselfandi said:


> My question is: How long has the original poster been married? I went through something similar when my hubby and I got married 8 years ago. "A wife should take care of her husband", while he sat on the computer all day and would only do the thinks he enjoyed such as vacuuming the carpets over and over again; and cutting the lawn three times a week.


On another thread she has, the OP said she's been married 8 years.


----------



## mrs brady (May 3, 2020)

OnTheFly said:


> Did you get a huge settlement in your previous divorce?


No why do you say that?


----------



## mrs brady (May 3, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> I did not realize OP was married to an alcoholic until I went back to read her other posts. Trying to discuss anything with an A is an exercise in futility. And from what I've read in OP's other posts, it appears she is venting but doing nothing concrete and proactive to remedy her situation.
> 
> Pain is inevitable in this life; however, misery IS an option. Seriously.


Thank you .


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

So why do you stay with this mess of a man? I'd really like to know.


----------



## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

mrs brady said:


> No why do you say that?


Just the impression I got. Didn't realize this was only a vent thread. Nothing wrong with that, vent away.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

memyselfandi said:


> My question is: How long has the original poster been married? I went through something similar when my hubby and I first got married 8 years ago. "A wife should take care of her husband" was his thought; while he sat on the computer most of the day..and would only do the things he enjoyed such as vacuuming the carpets over and over again; and cutting the lawn three times a week.
> 
> Used to drive me nuts when he'd leave the vacuum in the middle of our living room for daaays on end...telling me he wasn't finished with it yet. I'd finally put it back because I was tired of walking around it..and he'd make me get it out again as, "He wasn't finished with it yet!!" This and many many other things that drove each of us nuts about the other..can't tell you how many times we thought we were headed for Divorce Court...
> 
> ...


She has bigger issues — among other things, he’s no longer willing to work.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Everyone has a right to vent. If that's all OP wants to do, then fine. Unfortunately, with no action taken to improve this situation, it will continue. All I can add is I'm very glad I'm not living this way.


----------



## mrs brady (May 3, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> So why do you stay with this mess of a man? I'd really like to know.


When he is nice he is a prince, loving, caring, affectionate and life is good. The minute alcohol hits his lips I hate him.


----------



## mrs brady (May 3, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> Everyone has a right to vent. If that's all OP wants to do, then fine. Unfortunately, with no action taken to improve this situation, it will continue. All I can add is I'm very glad I'm not living this way.


I am not venting I am asking for advice. I am married to two different men,. After I got mad at him today, he did the laundry. I have stuck around thinking by expecting more he will step up to the plate. Love, Honor and Cherish.Right. Does everyone walk away when life isnt perfect. When do you say enough. I have been down that road and with him beginning to think of going down that road again. Not sure. I am not a door mat, I am not co dependent, I am a good person and want to do the right thing


----------



## Cup of Tea (Apr 15, 2020)

I pray you have a prenup.
Get to an attorney. Yesterday.
File and be rid of him. 
Hire a cute pool boy. 
Live a good life.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

mrs brady said:


> I am not venting I am asking for advice. I am married to two different men,. After I got mad at him today, he did the laundry. I have stuck around thinking by expecting more he will step up to the plate. Love, Honor and Cherish.Right. *Does everyone walk away when life isnt perfect*. When do you say enough. I have been down that road and with him beginning to think of going down that road again. Not sure. I am not a door mat, I am not co dependent, I am a good person and want to do the right thing


Of course not, but your life is far from just "not perfect". You're married to a lazy, bludging alcoholic. Nothing will change until it changes - and that change will have to shatter his world to have even a chance of actually working.

You can talk until you're blue in the face, it won't make a blind bit of difference.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mrs brady said:


> When he is nice he is a prince, loving, caring, affectionate and life is good. The minute alcohol hits his lips I hate him.


One thing I learned a long time ago is that a person is only as good as the worse thing that they do.

Very few people are horrible all the time. After all if there were horrible all the time, they would have no one in their lives. What you are describing when your talk about man A and man B is something like the Cycle of Abuse. He's good until he feels safe to be bad. A & B are the same person. He's just using the cycle to manipulate you.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mrs brady said:


> I am not venting I am asking for advice. I am married to two different men,. After I got mad at him today, he did the laundry. I have stuck around thinking by expecting more he will step up to the plate. Love, Honor and Cherish.Right. Does everyone walk away when life isnt perfect. When do you say enough. I have been down that road and with him beginning to think of going down that road again. Not sure.


What you describe is not a relationship that is good but has some imperfections. Your relationship is bad and then it gets worse then he's drinking, and ordering you to stop working at your job to cook him a mean, and refusing to get a job.



mrs brady said:


> I am not a door mat, I am not co dependent, I am a good person and want to do the right thing


Being codependent does not make you a bad person. It's actually usually very good people who are codependent because they are trying to do exactly what you are doing.... whatever you need to do to keep your marriage together. And because they just keep doing, and keep giving, they are sucked into a bad situation.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@mrs brady I am not a person who instantly shouts "divorce!" But in this instance, I suggest that divorce should be an option. Unless he goes to a drying out clinic and if he works hard at getting dried out. And then counselling, post nups, etc.


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

mrs brady said:


> When he is nice he is a prince, loving, caring, affectionate and life is good. The minute alcohol hits his lips I hate him.


If I didn't know any better, you are my best friend posting here. 

My best friend's husband is a functioning alcoholic. She keeps waiting for him to change. It's been years. Every single weekend he gets blotto drunk. He is absent from her and their kids' lives. It's sad. 

She has given him ultimatums. She has tried everything. Meanwhile, the kids have been damaged. The things that come out of their mouths should be reserved for mature adults. It's nausea-inducing.

You can't change him. Only he can change himself. The tipping point is when the bad outweighs the good and only you can decide that.

Love, honor, and cherish goes both ways, you know. I don't see much loving, honoring, or cherishing coming from him.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Can he support himself on the benefits he is currently getting? Who will be paying for his booze and $20 cigars when the benefits run out? Can you afford it?

It's time to give him a wake up call as in divorce papers.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

mrs brady said:


> So my husband, does not do much around the house, we have a gardener for the lawn. He complains about but takes out the trash once a week. Omg if he has to take in the cans poor him. I do the laundry, cook, work FT, clean the house, do the grocery shopping and pay all the bills. He smokes 20 dollar cigars and plays on his phone all day. There are tons of things needing to be fixed and he ignores our 100K pool its building up hard calcification on the sides. Yesterday we got in some packages and I asked him to take the boxes out. There they sat on the table, I said could you please take out the boxes. He said, :Its Not My Mess, its yours. My problem is I have to do everything and its getting to me. I asked what do you do? He does not even work right now. He told me he picks up dog droppings in the yard and does the dishes ( The sink is full ). I have a couple other blogs on here about him. Nothing is changing. I hope me talking to him today again will make him realize I need a partner. I am so overwhelmed with NO help I told him I need a partner, he thinks that if he doesnt make the mess he shouldnt have to clean up. He lives with me and two of my kids so I guess he thinks ME and My Kids should do everything.


some good tips in there:









Pandemic Makes Evident 'Grotesque' Gender Inequality In Household Work


With more people staying home due to COVID-19, journalist Brigid Schulte says it's impossible to ignore "the fact that women bear so much more of the burden of child care and housework."




www.npr.org


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

mrs brady said:


> I am not venting I am asking for advice.
> 
> I have stuck around thinking by expecting more he will step up to the plate.
> 
> I am not co dependent, I am a good person and want to do the right thing


Uh, no. Actually, in order to get advice, you need to at least see this situation for what it is. My guess is your husband doesn't think he's an alcoholic. Just like you don't think you're codependent. And, yes, codependents ARE nice. The problem is, they're too nice. They end up care-taking, advising, giving speeches, making ultimatums, threatening, worrying, etc. In other words, they take ownership of someone else's issues.

Expectations: They'll come around and bite us in the ass every time. YOUR expectations of what you want from your husband will lead to more disappointment along the way. He's showing you who he is. Believe him. Badger him to do chores and tell him yet again to step up to the plate. He may comply for awhile. Just wait until the next time he gets a few drinks in him. My guess is he'll unleash his resentment on you.

How do I seem to know all this? I married two alcoholics. I've had a front row seat to absolute lunacy. BTW, both my alcoholic husbands are dead. Drank themselves to death. Whether you see my perspective on this or choose to reject it, that is your choice. But I know of what I speak.


----------

