# Should I believe her



## Doubtingtom (9 mo ago)

*my wife confessed of a relationship with a good friend that lasted around 3 months. My wife stated that it was more an emotional relationship although there was kissing and petting. She claims that’s as far as it got. She ended it with this friend realizing she wanted to work on our relationship instead . I forgave her. But I did confront him . I found out that he was in love with my wife and was willing to leave his wife for her but she didn’t have the same feelings for him. 
The problem I have is that I asked him how far physically it went. He claims she gave him oral sex twice . She never liked oral sex . Is he just venting out at her or should I be worried she performed this act?*


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## Nacho2022 (9 mo ago)

My friend I am sorry that you are in a spot trying to find out how far your wife's infidelity went. Because if it was "just" petting and kissing that may as well be there be same thing infidelity. Ultimately there is no way to know how far things went, I speak from personal experience. I can't tell you if the right thing is to trust your unfaithful wife, or to trust an unfaithful "good friend". The only thing I can advise to to ask yourself it the difference between hands on each other genitals or mouths is the difference between reconciliation or divorce. It's a hard thing to say and from what I understand about infidelity, there is generally a trickle truth when it comes to being able to admit things.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

I’m sure she performed. I’d bet she also had sex with him.
Cheaters lie - a LOT.
Have her take a polygraph. You need to know how far she will take her lies. 
as if her betrayal to you isn’t enough… why do men want to overlook and forgive something so significant so quickly?
She ruined your marriage! Stop trying to find ways to forgive her. She needs to find out why she would betray you and do the work to repair the damage SHE caused.


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## SurfsUpToday (Dec 6, 2021)

She did it. I have never known of a woman who cheated and didn’t do oral. I’m sorry but you need to end it. It will live in your head and grow until you can’t stand it anymore or you will be o me depressed. Move on.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Doubtingtom said:


> *my wife confessed of a relationship with a good friend that lasted around 3 months. My wife stated that it was more an emotional relationship although there was kissing and petting. She claims that’s as far as it got. She ended it with this friend realizing she wanted to work on our relationship instead . I forgave her. But I did confront him . I found out that he was in love with my wife and was willing to leave his wife for her but she didn’t have the same feelings for him.
> The problem I have is that I asked him how far physically it went. He claims she gave him oral sex twice . She never liked oral sex . Is he just venting out at her or should I be worried she performed this act?*


Sorry you’re here Tom. I’m afraid you’re going to hear this answer over and over.

Is it possible she’s being truthful? Sure.
Are there snowballs in hell? Maybe.
Both are very unlikely.

You’re not 16 year olds anymore, you don’t stop at making out. Adults do the deed.
Many people will tell you that the cheater will go farther and do more with an affair partner than they will with their own spouse. It’s common actually. So don’t doubt for a second that she was on her knees for him, and whatever else he wanted.

Sorry OP, I know this is a hard pill to swallow.
Get STD tested, and get a lawyer.
if your wife is still lying to you then she’s not even close to being a safe partner going forward.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Doubtingtom said:


> *my wife confessed of a relationship with a good friend that lasted around 3 months. My wife stated that it was more an emotional relationship although there was kissing and petting. She claims that’s as far as it got. She ended it with this friend realizing she wanted to work on our relationship instead . I forgave her. But I did confront him . I found out that he was in love with my wife and was willing to leave his wife for her but she didn’t have the same feelings for him.
> The problem I have is that I asked him how far physically it went. He claims she gave him oral sex twice . She never liked oral sex . Is he just venting out at her or should I be worried she performed this act?*


The reality is that cheaters often go farther with whom they are cheating with than the spouse.
They also have a tendency to minimize. what they did do.
You won't know for certain without a polygraph.


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## Defhero (Jan 5, 2022)

2 Problems
#1, No matter how far it went or how far it didn't go, it's cheating. And if it happened once, it will happen again!
#2, She did something to another man, she doesn't want to do to you. This says a lot.
Sorry for this and it is horrible you have to go through this.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Doubtingtom said:


> *my wife confessed of a relationship ,,,. My wife stated that it .... was kissing and petting.,,, She ended it ,,,,to work on our relationship instead .* I forgave her*. But I did confront him . I found out that he was in love with my wife and was willing to leave his wife for her but she didn’t have the same feelings for him.
> The problem I have is that I asked him how far physically it went. He claims she gave him oral sex twice . She never liked oral sex . Is he just venting out at her or should I be worried she performed this act?*


First of all you are lying to yourself. YOU HAVE NOT FORGIVEN HER. If you had you would not have confronted the "ex-Friend" and none of what he said would make a difference. 

Depending on her age, to many women oral sex is not an intimate act, it is not as intimate as PIV sex. Whether she gave him a BJ, or a hand job is not the issue, She cheated on you (she failed to keep her marriage vows) and the degree of cheating should really make little difference to you. 

You need to ask yourself why you want to forgive her? You need to ask yourself if you want to "rug sweep" this or if you really are capable of forgiving her. If you are really capable of forgiving her and if you really do intend to forgive her, what does any of this matter? Is she capable of ever being trusted by you in the future? Why would you think she could be trusted?

You may want to start with *why you have lied and told yourself you forgive her!*

What is important in your relationship with your wife? Is she the mother of your children, who (children) are the focal point of your life? Is she your emotional and financial partner who is critical to your living a happy lifestyle? Is she the only woman you can imagine having sex with? Is she the only woman you feel you can trust, even if she sexually and emotionally cheats on you?

You need to work on emotionally healing and understanding yourself before you should evaluate trying to fix your relationship with your cheating wife. The most efficient way to do that may be to work with a marriage counselor, not necessarily to fix your marriage, but to understand your relationship with the woman who claims to be your wife.

Good luck. Stop lying to yourself. Figure out what is important to you in your life.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

She’s lying.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

She blew it … and I ain’t talking about her lying to you. The cheaters always go further for the affair partner than the spouse. It’s really common to see that on this forum…. Very common.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

She is probably putting oral sex under the heading of 'petting'. I agree with others, tell her that you don't believe what she told you and you want her to have a polygraph. 
Say that if it turns out she is lying at the poly the marriage is over, she may then tell you before hand what actually happened.

Please tell his wife as well.


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## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

I think you know the answer. But if you want to know, I have 3 words for you…
Polygraph
Polygraph
Polygraph 

Tell her that you have scheduled an appointment for her to take one and her reaction will probably tell you all you need to know, AND she will probably come up to you to “clarify” some things before the Appointment

I have said that marriage is like a stool in that it depends on 3 legs. In marriage, those legs are 
-Trust
-Respect
-Love

If one of those legs is destroyed, the marriage is gone. I’m sorry, but in your case, all THREE legs are gone. 
Trust

Do you really think that you will ever actually trust her again? Anytime she is 5 minutes late, you are going to be wondering if she is on her back in some cheap hotel by the airport. You certainly will never trust her again whenever she is out with a friend. 
Is that the type of marriage/relationship you hope to have?

Respect
I’m sorry, but she obviously doesn’t respect you or else she never would have had done any of this. And the sad part is that she is losing more and more
Respect for you every day that you keep her around. Yes, right now she is in self preservation mode, willing to do anything to maintain her lifestyle that you are providing her and her reputation with as little damage as possible. But if you some how stay with her, you will reinforce her belief that they next time there is a slip and she accidentally sends “a friend” some photos, or is alone in the car with a friend, all she will have to do id say sorry 100 times, start the waterworks a few times, and promise it will never happen again. Which we know will. Again, and again. 

Love
This one is so blatantly obvious that I feel foolish bringing it up. Do you REALLY believes she loves you? Do you think she was remembering all your good times when she was planning on meeting him? Do you think she was remembering how you proposed to her while giving herself to him? Even now, do you think she loves you when she is selfishly worried more about herself and her future rather than the pain you are feeling caused by HER?!?!?

I’m sorry.

I’m not going to tell you what you should do as you seem to know what you must do. It might take time to get over the shock, the disbelief, and anger, but I think you will get there. 


In the end, do what you must do that is in YOUR best interest!!! What will make YOU happy!! 
She has shown you who and what she really is! You now know that the woman you loved was a figment of your imagination, and now see who and what she really is. 

There is nothing wrong if cheating is a dealbreaker for you. It certainly was for me. 

Do what you must, and there is no need to fear the unknown. 

Good luck

Be strong

NEVER allow yourself to be someone else’s Plan B!!!! Respect yourself enough to say, “HELL NO!!!!” to that!!!!

And do what you must do that you can always look the man in the mirror in the eye.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

Doubtingtom said:


> *my wife confessed of a relationship with a good friend that lasted around 3 months. My wife stated that it was more an emotional relationship although there was kissing and petting. She claims that’s as far as it got. She ended it with this friend realizing she wanted to work on our relationship instead . I forgave her. But I did confront him . I found out that he was in love with my wife and was willing to leave his wife for her but she didn’t have the same feelings for him.
> The problem I have is that I asked him how far physically it went. He claims she gave him oral sex twice . She never liked oral sex . Is he just venting out at her or should I be worried she performed this act?*


The magic numbers are always once or twice. They only kissed and petted like other cheaters. It only lasted around three months.

Lesson number one - Never trust the word of a cheater. They lie, deny and minimize what they have done.

Lesson number two- a confession is not motivated by anything other than possible exposure. Your wife is trying to get ahead of the narrative and steer it in a more favorable direction.

Not only did your wife perform the act of oral sex, they had unprotected sexual intercourse. Many more times than the two times they admitted and certainly longer than the 3 months. *Adults do not stop at kissing and petting. *

Your wife didn't have feelings for him she just toyed with him. Have you spoken to the other man's wife? You should share what you know of the affair and let her work her husband over for his version of the truth. You will learn much more.

Your wife never liked oral sex. Correction she never liked oral sex with you. She was attracted to the other man, offered it to keep the other man invested in their illicit union, both. She offered a sexual favor to another man that she would deny to you, her husband.

You have bigger problems than just worrying about the act. She betrayed you for at least three months and she is capable of doing it again. You forgave your wife - You rug swept this issue and it will come back to bite you. Your wife has suffered no consequences for this behavior. She will reason there will be no consequences in future if she strays again. Even if the 3 month time is accurate she wasn't making a _mistake. _She was living a double life and enjoying a second relationship.

Why didn't your wife leave you for the other man? She offered him sex acts she would deny you. If I were to guess, you provide a much better quality of life than the other man. You should take the opportunity now to assess whether or not your wife actually brings something to your marriage. Certainly she doesn't bring honesty, loyalty or fidelity to the table.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

I am going to give you the same tough love that I received when I went through this.

Find your self-respect, find your self-worth and leave!!! You are only getting what little truth she will give you that will make her not look so bad. It has been almost 3 years since my D-day and divorce and I STILL have not gotten any truth from my XW. Don't you expect to get any either.

And to reiterate what others have said. When she said she doesn't like to perform oral what she meant is she doesn't want to do it for you. Why are you OK with that?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Doubtingtom said:


> *The problem I have is that I asked him how far physically it went. He claims she gave him oral sex twice . She never liked oral sex . Is he just venting out at her or should I be worried she performed this act?*


Just read some of the threads on here and you will see that the WW always minimizes what they did with their AP. Someone recently wrote out a list of what was confessed versus what actually happened. Oral surely happened, but that wasn't all. Come on, you know if she had a 3 month affair they did everything you can imagine multiple times and in multiple places, maybe in YOUR bed. Usually a WW will do way more and with their AP than they ever did with the husband. Your wife "never liked oral sex" WITH YOU.

Not sure why you are "worried". It is what it is. She cheated on you with a married guy for three months. Have you talked with the guys wife? She deserves to know.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Rus47 said:


> Just read some of the threads on here and you will see that the WW always minimizes what they did with their AP. Someone recently wrote out a list of what was confessed versus what actually happened. Oral surely happened, but that wasn't all. Come on, you know if she had a 3 month affair they did everything you can imagine multiple times and in multiple places, maybe in YOUR bed. Usually a WW will do way more and with their AP than they ever did with the husband. Your wife "never liked oral sex" WITH YOU.
> 
> Not sure why you are "worried". It is what it is. She cheated on you with a married guy for three months. Have you talked with the guys wife? She deserves to know.


That fact that these WW do things with their AP that they wouldn't do with their BS is probably the biggest red flag that they never truly were invested in the marriage to begin with.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Numb26 said:


> That fact that these WW do things with their AP that they wouldn't do with their BS is probably the biggest red flag that they never truly were invested in the marriage to begin with.


Correct. The marriage itself is a lie. They want to be supported in lifestyle, nest, have kids, but husband ? Husband doesn't really enter in to the picture, except as a chump who they can manipulate into providing the things they really want. 

Sexual attraction is not on "the list" for the marriage...... then, when some guy comes along who she is attracted to, guess what? If they lack the morals to be straightforward about their marital intents, they also lack the morals to abstain from adultery.

Do yourself a big favor. See an attorney before you make any moves. You don't have to take any action. Just get advice, and know where you will stand at the end of all possible actions.



marko polo said:


> you provide a much better quality of life than the other man.


Yes. Especially one who is going to have two wives and two sets of kids to PAY for. PAY. That's our only value, other than free babysitting.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

To answer your question Should I Beleive Her?” No, no, and hell no. if a cheaters lips are moving....they are lying. Polygraph!


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

it is very good that she broke it off, and told you about it. 
It shows that she DOES love you, and wants to put in the effort to re-invigorate your marriage. that you can probably hang your hat on.
Otherwise, she would have had no reason to actually tell you.

another positive, your wife is clearly hornier and kinkier than you probably gave her credit for. this portends a higher level of sex, and a kinkier level of sex, should you choose to stay.

But realize she was in The Fog, was at east temporarily "in love" with this guy. had a "limerance" as some here would say. So she was not thinking straight, she was thinking with a horny sex hormone induced brain fog. This does not excuse what she did, but explains why she might have done certain sex acts.

it would be VERY unlikely that she did not give him a BJ if he was fingering her to orgasm.
In fact is is pretty unlikely she did not have FULL PIV sex with him. Cheaters lie. And since she is offering up a confession....it probably sears her brain now to admit all the sexual things she did do, and is attempting to minimize it by lying. She might be reasoning to herself "if i tell him the entire story, it will hurt him too much".

I do not think you need to polygraph her, she surely did give him a BJ. i would tell her you know she did, and want the full story of it all before you can start to reconcile.

in a reconciliation, the wayward spouse HAS to do the heavy lifting. so make sure she is, or call her out on it. that requires no contact, full access to her phone and computer, access to all social media and email passwords. 

And from a guy's point of view...every sex act she gave this other guy she now owes you IN SPADES. If she gave him BJs, that she never gave you, you should expect her to now give whatever you want to try, no mater how kinky .


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Talker67 said:


> it is very good that she broke it off, and told you about it.
> It shows that she DOES love you, and wants to put in the effort to re-invigorate your marriage. that you can probably hang your hat on.
> Otherwise, she would have had no reason to actually tell you.


Unless she was worried someone else would tell him, and wanted to do damage control... That reason is far more common than the WS confessing out of the goodness of their heart.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

OP, read your own post. Do you even need to wonder if you've been screwed over?
She only now realizes her life could implode so she wants to smooth things over with you, her pay check buddy.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

bobert said:


> Unless she was worried someone else would tell him, and wanted to do damage control... That reason is far more common than the WS confessing out of the goodness of their heart.


yes we recently saw that in another thread. Wife confessed to hubby, but ONLY after her crazy GF said she would spill the beans. THOSE confessions are not to be trusted.

so it is a possibility to consider.

the question OP really needs answered: did she learn her lesson, and will she NEVER AGAIN cheat like that?
Usually, during the reconcilliation the answer becomes apparent...as he finds her hiding things, not telling the full story, gaslighting. 
If she is forthright and does the heavy lifting of reconciliation....that is a very positive sign


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

bobert said:


> Unless she was worried someone else would tell him, and wanted to do damage control... That reason is far more common than the WS confessing out of the goodness of their heart.


Agreed.
Especially since his OM “loves” her. Then yea, he would be a clear threat to try and break up OP & WW. So she’s just getting in front of that.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Numb26 said:


> That fact that these WW do things with their AP that they wouldn't do with their BS is probably the biggest red flag that they never truly were invested in the marriage to begin with.


Oh I dont know about that. People can change over time, for multiple reasons. Hormonal, social, religious, emotional, whatever. They maybe invested until a better investment attracted their attention. A lot of people just arent cutout to be monogamous for a lifetime.

Maybe short contracts with option to renew, like sports professionals makes sense


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Rus47 said:


> Oh I dont know about that. People can change over time, for multiple reasons. Hormonal, social, religious, emotional, whatever. They maybe invested until a better investment attracted their attention. A lot of people just arent cutout to be monogamous for a lifetime.
> 
> Maybe short contracts with option to renew, like sports professionals makes sense


Or just not get into a marriage may be the better option. I know, for me, that I will never get married again.


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## Doubtingtom (9 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Agreed.
> Especially since his OM “loves” her. Then yea, he would be a clear threat to try and break up OP & WW. So she’s just getting in front of that.


The thing is I was not aware what was going on and she felt guilty so she confessed . That’s why I’m confused . I want to believe she wouldn’t do that act . I agree I kinda of think that during a 3 month period I guy would only be satisfied by making out and grabbing some breast


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Rus47 said:


> Oh I dont know about that. People can change over time, for multiple reasons. Hormonal, social, religious, emotional, whatever. They maybe invested until a better investment attracted their attention. A lot of people just arent cutout to be monogamous for a lifetime.
> 
> Maybe short contracts with option to renew, like sports professionals makes sense


society does not work that way. the laws are set up for there to be a mother and father, and they stay together as a family and earn a wage and pay for the children. If a parent could just walk away after the five year marriage contract was over, the GOVERNMENT would have to chip in to pay for all those children's keep. and the governemtn HATES giving away money.

never gonna happen


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

I'm sure she did a lot more than she's saying. 

Cheaters lie and minimize and trickle truth.

I would leave this cheater asap!


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Doubtingtom said:


> *my wife confessed of a relationship with a good friend that lasted around 3 months. My wife stated that it was more an emotional relationship although there was kissing and petting. She claims that’s as far as it got. She ended it with this friend realizing she wanted to work on our relationship instead . I forgave her. But I did confront him . I found out that he was in love with my wife and was willing to leave his wife for her but she didn’t have the same feelings for him.
> The problem I have is that I asked him how far physically it went. He claims she gave him oral sex twice . She never liked oral sex . Is he just venting out at her or should I be worried she performed this act?*


I find it highly unlikely that this man would be in love with her and ready to leave his wife (and kids?) after only 3 months and two blowies. 

It's possible, the affair fog is real... but it should definitely make you stop and question. 

Your wife had a physical affair. As soon as they touched each other, it became physical. She is trying to minimize by saying it was an emotional affair. She is also likely trying to minimize how long this really went on (the emotional affair may have started long ago), and what happened. 

Cheaters nearly always lie. You would be a fool to believe your wife is the exception. When I started questioning my wife she said she slept with one guy 7-8 times (I can't recall which number she said). That's so far off from the truth that it's laughable. Then she gave a little more, then a little more, then a little more, then dumped it all out. Then, after months of therapy, more came out. And honestly, that's if you're lucky. I trust that I have the full story and I have never asked for a polygraph. Most betrayed spouses never get the truth though. Honestly, just poly. 

Cheaters also hand out blowjobs (and everything else) to their AP, even when you aren't getting any. They have an entirely different menu with the AP. My wife didn't like oral sex due to past sexual trauma so it wasn't on our menu for years. Guess what she did (very regularly) while cheating? Guess what she was suddenly able to do with me after D-Day? And 3½ years later, guess what has been taken back off the menu because of the original issues? That's the far more common scenario.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Doubtingtom said:


> The thing is I was not aware what was going on and she felt guilty so she confessed . That’s why I’m confused . I want to believe she wouldn’t do that act . I agree I kinda of think that during a 3 month period I guy would only be satisfied by making out and grabbing some breast


Maybe she felt guilty and confessed... but like others have said, that would be not as common.
More often than not, when there is a confession, it's because she was scared of you finding out anyway.

The WW would tell you a half-truth so that when you did hear it from someone else...she can say "They are lying...I already told you what happened".

You would want to believe her because...hey she already felt guilty and confessed. Very much like you are doing now.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

As for my only personal view kissing and petting with another would be dealbreaker enough, I don´t find myself suited to comment or advice about if "more", so if it was "physical" as if "emotional".


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Doubtingtom said:


> The thing is I was not aware what was going on and she felt guilty so she confessed . That’s why I’m confused . I want to believe she wouldn’t do that act . I agree I kinda of think that during a 3 month period I guy would only be satisfied by making out and grabbing some breast


This is you trusting her though. You are trusting her reasoning for the confession. She likely won't tell you if she's only confessing because the other wife found out or someone saw them together. Remember, she needs to do damage control.

You want to believe she wouldn't blow him... but you also probably never would have guessed that she'd have any sort of affair. She has proven that you really have no clue who she is and what she is capable of.

You need to think about this logically, not try to figure out how to convince yourself that she isn't lying.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Does the other guy's wife know her husband is looking to dump her? Share the news. I'm sure your wife is the fairest of them all; but, no one knows how many women the guy is shtooping. His wife needs to know to protect her health.

Get tested for stds. Insist she does the same. Have you had sex with her since you found out?


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## Doubtingtom (9 mo ago)

bobert said:


> I find it highly unlikely that this man would be in love with her and ready to leave his wife (and kids?) after only 3 months and two blowies.
> 
> It's possible, the affair fog is real... but it should definitely make you stop and question.
> 
> ...





BeyondRepair007 said:


> Maybe she felt guilty and confessed... but like others have said, that would be not as common.
> More often than not, when there is a confession, it's because she was scared of you finding out anyway.
> 
> The WW would tell you a half-truth so that when you did hear it from someone else...she can say "They are lying...I already told you what happened".
> ...


According to her she never got naked with him
But I would think if that was true she still could of had an orgasm !


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Yeah I would definitely tell the guts wife!

"Hello, did you know your husband is ****ing my wife?"


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Doubtingtom said:


> According to her she never got naked with him
> But I would think if that was true she still could of had an orgasm !


Interesting that you jump to orgasm. is that what's important?
Because guess what...even assuming they did nothing beyond what she said...she still came home and got off to the memory of him.

But don't be fooled... adults in affairs strip and get busy. In ways you don't want to accept.


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## Doubtingtom (9 mo ago)

Here’s the thing also I think she is bipolar and wonder if that had a factor in it. She has a good body but always dresses conservative


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Doubtingtom said:


> Here’s the thing also I think she is bipolar and wonder if that had a factor in it. She has a good body but always dresses conservative


And what makes you think that? Most people have no idea what bipolar actually looks like.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Doubtingtom said:


> Here’s the thing also I think she is bipolar and wonder if that had a factor in it. She has a good body but always dresses conservative


And how will that affect anything?
You really are reaching for reasons to believe her aren't you.

You can totally buy her story and move on with your life. That's called rugsweeping.

If you do that, without getting to the truth and dealing with her about it, there is a very high probability she will have a repeat affair when she meets the next stud who makes her knees weak. She will know she can get away with it and you willdo nothing except believe what she tells you. And you'll go through this all over again. 

Sorry Tom, but you need to get to the bottom of this and deal with it.


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## Doubtingtom (9 mo ago)

I don’t know I guess I’m looking for an excuse to believe her


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Doubtingtom said:


> I don’t know I guess I’m looking for an excuse to believe her


Don't. Time to put yourself first


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Your information (her motivation for confessing; the extent of things physically; orgasming, etc) is coming from two known liars. I would not believe either.
But, seriously, why does it matter?
In addition to your marriage lacking respect, trust , love mentioned by another poster, your wife does not desire you sexually. She has devoted her desire to, at least, one other man. For whatever reason, your wife no longer is attracted to you.
Why stay in a marriage like that?


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## Doubtingtom (9 mo ago)

Doubt she’ll take a polygraph 
How else will she confess


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Doubtingtom said:


> I don’t know I guess I’m looking for an excuse to believe her


Exactly. Stop that or this will never leave your head. Because you've heard the truth from us, and you know it's likely to be true.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

@Doubtingtom to save time for your and everyone. what would you do it was sex she had with him?
is that a deal breaker for you? and would you divorce?

the reason she might confessed because someone found out and she wanted to tell her version of the story before someone else.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

So she claims petting was all that went on, he says she went down on him twice. So no, you shouldn't believe her.

She is telling half truths to mitigate your suspicions. And she gave him a blowjob when she apparently doesn't like oral sex(I'm assuming she gave him what she won't give you), and she didn't have the same feelings for him?  Just imagine if she did.

This is an untrustworthy wife. She cheated, lied about the nature of the cheating, gave him considerations she wouldn't give you, and she didn't even love him? 

I'm not sure what you want to do, but I wouldn't be able to stomach spending the rest of my life with a woman like that.

What is it you want to do? Are you thinking about divorce? If so, I'd say.....good.

If not, then she needs to start acting like a wife, you get access to any social media accounts of hers, should have access to her phone any time you feel the need, and also enable the location services on her phone so you know where she is. Some people might say, "that's controlling!! you aren't her warden!!". But let's get real here, she f****d that up. You trusted her and she proved that she cannot be trusted.

So either she starts acting like a wife, and you get FULL disclosure on everything and you have the ability to see where she is whenever you want to check, or she can hit the road.



> *Is he just venting out at her or should I be worried she performed this act?*


Why would he feel the need to lie? If he wanted to vent out at her and get even, he'd have told you they had full blown sex. And I bet they did and he is leaving that part out to take it easy on you.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Doubtingtom said:


> Doubt she’ll take a polygraph
> How else will she confess


She won't


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Doubtingtom said:


> Doubt she’ll take a polygraph
> How else will she confess


She won't take a polygraph because she is lying. Again, she confesses by giving you half truths to give the allusion she is giving full disclosure. She isn't.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Doubtingtom said:


> Doubt she’ll take a polygraph
> How else will she confess


Tell her you're scheduling one and watch her reaction.
She won't confess for real until she knows the game is up and you're leaving her.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

marko polo said:


> Not only did your wife perform the act of oral sex, they had unprotected sexual intercourse. Many more times than the two times they admitted and certainly longer than the 3 months. *Adults do not stop at kissing and petting. *




And they typically don't commit to leaving their spouse if they haven't tried the goods at the other market.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Doubtingtom said:


> The thing is I was not aware what was going on and she felt guilty so she confessed . That’s why I’m confused .


Maybe the OM threatened to expose her, so she had to head him off at the pass with the half truth.


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## Doubtingtom (9 mo ago)

I appreciate all these comments 
Part of me wants to punish her 
Part of me doesn’t want to give up


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Doubtingtom said:


> Doubt she’ll take a polygraph
> How else will she confess


If she won't taken a polygraph it's because:

A) She's lying about what happened 
B) She doesn't care enough about your marriage to do everything to save it
C) All of the above


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Doubtingtom said:


> I don’t know I guess I’m looking for an excuse to believe her


I get it. You don't want to think about having to live with a cheater/liar the rest of your life, but you also don't want to think about divorce...because it's damn hard.

But I think you need to at least CONSIDER the latter. I wonder how she would react if she thought you might file.


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## Doubtingtom (9 mo ago)

Maybe I’ll get her drunk and try to get her to confess


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Doubtingtom said:


> Maybe I’ll get her drunk and try to get her to confess


Tell her you want her to take a polygraph. If she refuses, ask her why.

She'll likely say, "because you should trust me because I came to you willingly"

You respond: "I thought I COULD trust you, and if you are telling the truth, you have nothing to worry about."


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Doubtingtom said:


> The thing is I was not aware what was going on and she felt guilty so she confessed . That’s why I’m confused . I want to believe she wouldn’t do that act . I agree I kinda of think that during a 3 month period I guy would only be satisfied by making out and grabbing some breast


Don't smoke so much hopium. In a 3 month period they had sex too much to count.

And there's a reason in her mind, some fear of exposure, that's making her come forward to get ahead of you finding out. She wants to control the narrative you'll hear. For her benefit. Not yours.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Why bother with a polygraph?? He already knows she cheated.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Doubtingtom said:


> I appreciate all these comments
> Part of me wants to punish her
> Part of me doesn’t want to give up


A very normal reaction.
Your life has been flipped upside down.
Don't rush to fix things. Don't make any decisions.
You need time to process everything. 
Emotionally try and detach so you can think clearly.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

bobert said:


> Guess what she did (very regularly) while cheating? Guess what she was suddenly able to do with me after D-Day? And 3½ years later, *guess what has been taken back off the menu because of the original issues?* That's the far more common scenario.


dude, i would kick her butt out on the street the FIRST TIME she refused.

she is NOT doing what is needed to reconcile. end of the story for her


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Doubtingtom said:


> I appreciate all these comments
> Part of me wants to punish her
> Part of me doesn’t want to give up


It is hard to make a decision until you know all the facts.

and important fact is: has she confessed the whole truth, or is she holding back important details. Also. is this her first affair?

a kind of agree, a polygraph would be a powerful tool for you to get all the facts. (assuming you are considering reconciliation. otherwise, just divorce her)
otherwise ten years from now, it will still be bothering your mind!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Your wife fell in love with another man (she admitted this).

She allowed him to touch her privates.
There is no part of her that he did not fondle and caress
Her breasts, her nipples, her thighs, her vagina, her behind.

She lovingly kissed his mouth, her tongue entwined with his.
She put his penis in her mouth at least twice. Thus, she effed him with her mouth.
She rubbed his bare chest and caressed his butt.

Sorry for being graphic, but is that not enough?
He may have entered her vagina, but what's that in the big picture?

Saying she loved him, that is what an_ emotional affair_ is.
A _physical affair_ is intimacy between a pair of lovers.
She did both degrees.

At some point she decided she wanted to end the affair.
This tells me she was mostly in it for the thrill and for the attention.

Ultimately, he became a fling for her.

Why did she confess?

a) Maybe she knew she would be outed?
b) Maybe, she inwardly wants a divorce, and thus, sabotaged her marriage?
c) Maybe, she is terribly guilt-ridden?
d) Maybe she is angry at you and her resentment got the best of her?
e) Revenge cheating?
f) She was bored, another mid-life crisis that went awry?
g) She is depressed and this affair was a band-aid fix?

Once a wayward crosses that line, how far is irrelevant.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

bobert said:


> I find it highly unlikely that this man would be in love with her and ready to leave his wife (and kids?) after only 3 months and two blowies.
> 
> It's possible, the affair fog is real... but it should definitely make you stop and question.
> 
> ...


I hope you called her on the sudden restrictions. Ask yourself what will she stop doing next as she settles back into duty sex.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

ButtPunch said:


> A very normal reaction.
> Your life has been flipped upside down.
> Don't rush to fix things. Don't make any decisions.
> You need time to process everything.
> Emotionally try and detach so you can think clearly.


Precisely, very normal reaction to want to believe, want to save the marriage.

Even I was of that mindset and my wife was a HUGE ho.....then after the hurt and pain subsided, I was able to see more clearly, and the angrier I got the more I realized that there is no way I'm going to stay with someone that would cheat on me with another man. Now, that is me and again, my case compared to this one, so far, was more extreme.

But the idea is the same. She has now given him something to relive in his mind and he will always have it back in there as to whether or not he can trust her, and the answer to that, especially if she is adverse to taking a polygraph, is ......no, he can't, or should I say he shouldn't.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Doubtingtom said:


> Doubt she’ll take a polygraph
> How else will she confess


Why does she have a choice? You know she cheated, yet she has leverage tomrefuse this and still remain married?
A very small percentage of marriages survive happily after cheating is infused.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

i have just this horrid thought, how can you ever kiss your wife on her lips after she told you she gave another man a bj and let him cum in her mouth?

how can you repress that image enough to kiss her again?


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

Doubtingtom said:


> Part of me wants to punish her


Don´t.
But neither punish yourself by staying.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Rus47 said:


> Oh I dont know about that. People can change over time, for multiple reasons. Hormonal, social, religious, emotional, whatever. They maybe invested until a better investment attracted their attention. A lot of people just arent cutout to be monogamous for a lifetime.
> 
> Maybe short contracts with option to renew, like sports professionals makes sense


That might work if no children are involved.

But, in truth, why get married in the first place if you do not value lifetime commitment?

The family is the bond that holds civilization together.
Take that away and then you have selfish behavior on a universal scale.

This concept is already happening in the world, and the world suffers for it.



_Are Dee-_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Doubtingtom said:


> I don’t know I guess I’m looking for an excuse to believe her


Believe what?

She fell for another man and was intimate with him.

Believe that.


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## Doubtingtom (9 mo ago)

I think when we have sex now I want to punish her it’s a dominant thing I guess


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> It is hard to make a decision until you know all the facts.


Well, he really has enough. At the bare minimum the facts are that she did in fact cheat and it at least involved "petting". That would be enough for me.

Whatever the OM told him is just icing on the cake.



> and important fact is: has she confessed the whole truth, or is she holding back important details.


According to the OM, who would have no reason to lie and not say anything beyond oral sex happened, yes, she is lying.



> Also. is this her first affair?


That is irrelevant, but that is just me talking.


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## Doubtingtom (9 mo ago)

First and last according to her


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Doubtingtom said:


> I think when we have sex now I want to punish her it’s a dominant thing I guess


Its your life, you can stay just like you are right now and never do anything more.

Just start now bracing yourself for round two in a few months.
Assuming round 1 ever really ended.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Doubtingtom said:


> Here’s the thing also I think she is bipolar and wonder if that had a factor in it. She has a good body but always dresses conservative


Bi Polar....

Who says?

If true, there is your answer.
She is broken.

Living with a broken person is a lifelong commitment to misery, in one form or another.
If you wish to do this, then you must accept the reality of who she is, and what she is capable of.
Untoward behavior (by her) will not go away.

Your choice, it always will be.



_Nemesis-_


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Doubtingtom said:


> I think when we have sex now I want to punish her it’s a dominant thing I guess


That's normal. And if you choose to reconcile that feeling will probably continue to come up at times.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

bobert said:


> That's normal. And if you choose to reconcile that feeling will probably continue to come up at times.


if you want to punish her, have sex in the most kinky ways possible, and THEN divorce her


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## Doubtingtom (9 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> Your wife fell in love with another man (she admitted this).
> 
> She allowed him to touch her privates.
> There is no part of her that he did not fondle and caress
> ...





Talker67 said:


> if you want to punish her, have sex in the most kinky ways possible, and THEN divorce her


I was thinking that.Have her oral me and film it then dump her sorry ass


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> society does not work that way. the laws are set up for there to be a mother and father, and they stay together as a family and earn a wage and pay for the children. If a parent could just walk away after the five year marriage contract was over, the GOVERNMENT would have to chip in to pay for all those children's keep. and the governemtn HATES giving away money.
> 
> never gonna happen


A lot of things I thought would never happen are now law of the land. Child support is already separate from custody applies whether couple married or not


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Doubtingtom said:


> I appreciate all these comments
> Part of me wants to punish her
> Part of me doesn’t want to give up


She is already being punished by her illness.

No one will fault you for giving up on her.
No one but yourself.

Weigh all her good points against her (now heavy) bad points.
How does she fare?

If you wish to reconcile can you tolerate being her policeman for the rest of your life?
Will she permit you to micro-manage her?


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## Doubtingtom (9 mo ago)

Doubtingtom said:


> I was thinking that.Have her oral me and film it then dump her sorry ass


Although I’ll miss those tits


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Doubtingtom said:


> I don’t know I guess I’m looking for an excuse to believe her


Look, she divorced you at LEAST three months ago, but didnt bother telling you or doing the paperwork. You actually dont know how long or how many men or what acts, where, with who.

Were you kissing her after she sucked the AP? You have no idea how depraved she has been and whether she still has a BF.

Get an STD panel. Make her get one uf you still plan doing her (not sure how you could stand to, but oh well). See three attorneys in town for consultation. Have divorce papers served by your favorite attorney. Do what he/she says.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Talker67 said:


> i have just this horrid thought, how can you ever kiss your wife on her lips* after she told you she gave another man a bj and let him cum in her mouth?*
> 
> how can you repress that image enough to kiss her again?


Down, boy. No where has he stated this. This thread doesn't need gasoline.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Doubtingtom said:


> According to her she never got naked with him
> But I would think if that was true she still could of had an orgasm !


Stop trying to work details. They dont matter!


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Doubtingtom said:


> Maybe I’ll get her drunk and try to get her to confess





Doubtingtom said:


> I was thinking that.Have her oral me and film it then dump her sorry ass





Doubtingtom said:


> *picture removed*
> 
> Although I’ll miss those tits


You are rightfully angry, but what you are doing and talking about doing is wrong. If you want revenge, leave her. Don't do stupid **** like posting videos and pic online.


You can count on it that she did more than kissing and petting, unless petting includes BJs and more. You say she probably won't take a polygraph. Well if she felt guilty enough to confess, maybe she will. It is simple, tell her she does it or its over without further discussion. If she says not she is either afraid of the truth getting out or she isn't serious about fixing the mess she created.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Doub[QUOTE="Rus47 said:


> Look, she divorced you at LEAST three months ago, but didnt bother telling you or doing the paperwork. You actually dont know how long or how many men or what acts, where, with who.
> 
> Were you kissing her after she sucked the AP? You have no idea how depraved she has been and whether she still has a BF.
> 
> Get an STD panel. Make her get one uf you still plan doing her (not sure how you could stand to, but oh well). See three attorneys in town for consultation. Have divorce papers served by your favorite attorney. Do what he/she says.


A good reason to consult attorneys is to reduce the number that she can consult with should this move forward to a divorce.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Doubtingtom said:


> According to her she never got naked with him
> But I would think if that was true she still could of had an orgasm !


Sh!t, you already know enough to know, really know, she has been having sex and being a sex toy for another guy. So accept that, decide your actions. 

There's no more wondering if she was fkng around. She did. She may have done it before. She may still be doing it.

The question is what ru going to do about it. Have some dignity for yourself old buddy.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Doubtingtom said:


> Although I’ll miss those tits
> View attachment 85284


The best news ever is she doesn't have a lock on having great tits. Many women do. Go get some new ones on a chick you really like the whole package ie physical traits AND good character. 

So get to finding those!


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Doubtingtom said:


> I don’t know I guess I’m looking for an excuse to believe her


Then, what do you care what she did, how she did it, whom she did it with. Deep down in the recesses of your brain you already decided that what she did is not a big deal for you to leave her.
You are just trying to find a way to look the other way and try to forget it. You decided to put your self respect your dignity and your self worth aside as long as you can continue to have her knowing perfectly well what she did, but want to pretend that it was just a little petting.

I guess that from now on all you can do is every time you're with her, to try to put those mental images of what ifs away; what if she had sex with him, what if she really gave him a BJ, what if she had anal sex with him, what if she swallowed, what if she would do it again.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Doubtingtom said:


> Doubt she’ll take a polygraph
> How else will she confess


 Doubt...why the hell are you allowing her to control the narrative...let me tell you what is going in her brain right now and why you should not believe anything she says....she is in self -preservation mode she is telling you the less amount of information that will allow her to get away with your action...she will lie, she will call the other person a liar, she will partial blame you if it means she can escape any form of punishment...you need to freaking man up and accept that you can not trust anything she says and tell her if she wants to save this marriage the first thing you need is the whole truth and nothing but the truth from her and that you ver much intend for her to take a polygraph if she does not detail the whole affair to you with documentation......and you set the conditions of reconciliation if that is what you want not her and that means exposing your so called friend to his spouse....for god sake man up


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Doubtingtom said:


> Maybe I’ll get her drunk and try to get her to confess


 seriously.....turn in your man card


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Rob_1 said:


> Then, what do you care what she did, how she did it, whom she did it with. Deep down in the recesses of your brain you already decided that what she did is not a big deal for you to leave her.
> You are just trying to find a way to look the other way and try to forget it. You decided to put your self respect your dignity and your self worth aside as long as you can continue to have her knowing perfectly well what she did, but want to pretend that it was just a little petting.
> 
> I guess that from now on all you can do is every time you're with her, to try to put those mental images of what ifs away; what if she had sex with him, what if she really gave him a BJ, what if she had anal sex with him, what if she swallowed, what if she would do it again.


Yep, the next time you're kissing her keep wondering hey, did OM jizz in her mouth, cheeks, lips, forehead, did she stick out her tongue for it, hope she's cleaned up.

Just trying to bust you into reality.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Doubtingtom said:


> Maybe I’ll get her drunk and try to get her to confess


Knowing it's over, why don't you get drunk, then her, and you have a great time of drinking and see how much more you can push her to the edge and over. Get drunk for you and enjoy some drunk q&a for yourself.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Numb26 said:


> Or just not get into a marriage may be the better option. I know, for me, that I will never get married again.


How old are you ?


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Mr.Married said:


> How old are you ?


Just North of 50


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Doubtingtom said:


> I don’t know I guess I’m looking for an excuse to believe her


Please don’t do that to yourself. It will eat you from the inside out in the long run. Understand what your personal limits are and go from there. Very few ever find out the real truth. I’m not going to tell you what to do with your marriage but I advise you to be very very very careful about looking back in 5 or 10 years and regretting you wasted those years. You will hate yourself for it.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Numb26 said:


> Just North of 50


I’d say singlehood is a fair enough choice in that case.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

Doubtingtom said:


> First and last according to her


Enough. acording to me.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Doubtingtom said:


> First and last according to her


Well then she can prove it with a poly.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> if you want to punish her, have sex in the most kinky ways possible, and THEN divorce her


Why not to divorce her first and THEN have sex in the most kinky ways possible with a woman in a set such that strictly excludes her?


----------



## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Doubtingtom said:


> Although I’ll miss those tits
> View attachment 85284


Find better tits that you can trust.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

Doubtingtom said:


> *my wife confessed of a relationship with a good friend that lasted around 3 months. My wife stated that it was more an emotional relationship although there was kissing and petting. She claims that’s as far as it got. She ended it with this friend realizing she wanted to work on our relationship instead . I forgave her. But I did confront him . I found out that he was in love with my wife and was willing to leave his wife for her but she didn’t have the same feelings for him.
> The problem I have is that I asked him how far physically it went. He claims she gave him oral sex twice . She never liked oral sex . Is he just venting out at her or should I be worried she performed this act?*


If you're going to forgive (and their is nothing wrong with that) you might want to know exactly what you are forgiving FIRST. In other words, stealthily obtain as much information as you can to see the extent of her relationship and then determine if it's forgivable. Forgiving without knowing what's being forgiven is akin to rug-sweeping.

You will have to be determined, creative and patient with obtaining it, as your wife unfortunately will not be the source, as much as you'd like to believe. It's just the nature of infidelity. Meaning, your trusted and beloved wife will fabricate, lie, manipulate and omit all and any information about her affair to control the outcome and preserve her reputation, marriage, family and lifestyle.

Herein lies the critical juncture where betrayed spouses veer off course. They're so unbelieving of the possibility of their spouse being able lie, manipulate and deceive, they sadly and painfully accept what's been told to them. Added to this is fear of what lies behind the truth, and the result is premature forgiveness and reconciliation, which is similar to a person ignoring blood in their stool, for fear of it being colon cancer or something.

The message here: Cancer isn't going anywhere. It's dormant until it isn't anymore. Same with infidelity. If it's not dealt with fully, it festers until it resurfaces again, with a vengeance. I strongly recommend you commit to finding out more. People on this site and other sites can help you get there.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> The best news ever is she doesn't have a lock on having great tits.


Plus, YOU don't have a lock on HER great tits.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Doubtingtom said:


> *my wife confessed of a relationship with a good friend that lasted around 3 months. My wife stated that it was more an emotional relationship although there was kissing and petting. She claims that’s as far as it got. She ended it with this friend realizing she wanted to work on our relationship instead . I forgave her. But I did confront him . I found out that he was in love with my wife and was willing to leave his wife for her but she didn’t have the same feelings for him.
> The problem I have is that I asked him how far physically it went. He claims she gave him oral sex twice . She never liked oral sex . Is he just venting out at her or should I be worried she performed this act?*


You know all you need to know. 
She lied and cheated and betrayed you. 
There isn't one reason to spend another day with such a person. 
It dumbfounds me how many people choose to stay with a lying adulterer.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Doubtingtom said:


> I appreciate all these comments
> Part of me wants to punish her
> Part of me doesn’t want to give up


Tom, If you don't want to believe she was with him that way, don't. It's that simple. It really doesn't matter what she did with him. Bottom line is she broke your trust and THAT is the only thing you should be questioning, not how far she went with him.....who cares?


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Mybabysgotit said:


> Tom, If you don't want to believe she was with him that way, don't. It's that simple. It really doesn't matter what she did with him. Bottom line is she broke your trust and THAT is the only thing you should be questioning, not how far she went with him.....who cares?


I think it matters. I might could get over an EA or kiss, but a BJ or penetration is another matter. No way.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

Doubtingtom said:


> Doubt she’ll take a polygraph
> How else will she confess


Polygraphs can be fooled. Any refusal on her part to take one should tell you that she still has much more to hide from you. 

If you are leaning toward divorce then don't bother with it. The sooner you eject her from your life the better.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Doubtingtom said:


> Although I’ll miss those tits


Just remember, the other guy (or guys) have had them out numerous times, fondling, kissing, sucking them, having intercourse with them as part of the BJs she has been giving HIM ( or them ) every time he had a chance. Twice ?!? Lol. You think any guy who once tasted them is only going to have her twice in three months? He was hot to leave his wife for her ( total idiot btw, but he deserves to be married to the cheater)

The Tattas dont belong to you since at least 3 months ago. Think back, are you sure this hasnt been going on since you married her?


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

Doubtingtom said:


> I was thinking that.Have her oral me and film it then dump her sorry ass


Best to think again especially from a legal stand point. As in false allegations of abuse, rape or violence. Even if she consents and you do film it, she can change her mind and say she was coerced. Especially if you dump/divorce her right after. He said, she said is a game you will loose and you will hang yourself with the video.

If you are in a no fault state you can always film another woman servicing you and show it to your wife. You can bet it will complicate your divorce. Cheaters don't like to be replaced. She can find ways to delay the divorce. She may do that anyway. No need for you to add complications.

Best course is to expose the affair and drop her like a hot rock. Get her out of your life as quickly as possible.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Just wondering, did you consider everything leading up to possible oral sex as cheating, or only if she had physically crossed the line sexually as cheating? I think she was cheating when first the emotional side happened...and anything after that would have just been icing on an already terrible cake.


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## Annonymous Joe (9 mo ago)

Doubtingtom said:


> Here’s the thing also I think she is bipolar and wonder if that had a factor in it. She has a good body but always dresses conservative


Who cares if it's paranoid schizophrenia, the fact remains acts were done to destroy your trust. The confession is weak. Man up and bail.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> i have just this horrid thought, how can you ever kiss your wife on her lips after she told you she gave another man a bj and let him cum in her mouth?
> 
> how can you repress that image enough to kiss her again?


Actually, the OM told him she gave him 2 BJs, and no mention of ejaculating in her mouth, but I'm guessing that likely happened.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> You are rightfully angry, but what you are doing and talking about doing is wrong. If you want revenge, leave her.


Actually, if he wants revenge, tell her it's over, have her belongings packed and drive her over to the OMs house. Let him take her in.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

drencrom said:


> Actually, the OM told him she gave him 2 BJs, and no mention of ejaculating in her mouth, but I'm guessing that likely happened.


Gave two (more like 30🙄) blow jobs but because she didn't (yet) spell out he finished in her mouth and on her face, he's supposed to feel better. Wtf?


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Gave two (more like 30🙄) blow jobs but because she didn't (yet) spell out he finished in her mouth and on her face, he's supposed to feel better. Wtf?


I was just correcting the notion that his wife admitted this. She didn't. It was the OM he had to get it from.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

I don't know what the heck is going on here but cheating = divorce. You show her the door and never look back.

You'll never get the full truth out of her. Do you want to be wondering how many times and how many ways your wife had sex with this guy for the rest of your life?

Just assume she did everything, especially everything she wouldn't do for you. And over three months it wasn't just 2 times, give me a break. And it wasn't "just petting" or "just a BJ." She had sex with him lots, gave him lots of BJs, swallowed his cum, took it up the butt. She did everything for him that she wouldn't do for you because she found him so irresistibly attractive and you unattractive.

She moved on months ago, it is time for you to do the same. You'll have no issue finding someone new who won't cheat on you.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Doubtingtom said:


> *my wife confessed of a relationship with a good friend that lasted around 3 months. My wife stated that it was more an emotional relationship although there was kissing and petting. She claims that’s as far as it got. She ended it with this friend realizing she wanted to work on our relationship instead . I forgave her. But I did confront him . I found out that he was in love with my wife and was willing to leave his wife for her but she didn’t have the same feelings for him.
> The problem I have is that I asked him how far physically it went. He claims she gave him oral sex twice . She never liked oral sex . Is he just venting out at her or should I be worried she performed this act?*


I know I am late to this thread, but I have this bridge I own in Brooklyn and I have to sell it really quickly. 😉


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## mickybill (Nov 29, 2016)

Seems like if I was going to have an affair, why wouldn't I step up the more recreational, enthusiastic sex?
No BJ at home but a-ok with the BF to keep him interested in her kinky side.

I went out with a woman after my divorce who thought kissing was more intimate than BJ, because the mouths and the eyes line up and things can get be intense. BJ was more physical, less emotional.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Like radioactive matter, these _Wayward Wife cheating_ threads decay soon, to smut.

Prior to closing, the last post should elicit a drenching bleach spray by one of the moderators.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

mickybill said:


> I went out with a woman after my divorce who thought kissing was more intimate than BJ, because the mouths and the eyes line up and things can get more intense. BJ was more physical, less emotional.


This is the common thought these days. 13-14 year old girls are handing out blowjobs like it's nothing, but won't kiss...


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Doubtingtom said:


> *Although I’ll miss those tits*





Doubtingtom said:


> .....*Part of me wants to punish her
> Part of me doesn’t want to give up*





Doubtingtom said:


> I think when we have sex now* I want to punish her* it’s a dominant thing I guess





Doubtingtom said:


> I was thinking that.Have *her oral me and film it then dump her sorry ass*


Let's go back to your original post and my original post. *Why did you say you forgave her?*

You are struggling between wanting to save your marriage and end it. If that is the case, then be honest with yourself. Your comments clearly indicate anger and if you want to "punish her" then you are not anywhere near forgiving her. In fact photographing her during a sex act and then dumping her is beyond punishment it is cruel and reflects very badly upon you. You should be better than that.

If you want an honest relationship with any woman, you need to have an honest relationship with yourself. Her being in love, her being bipolar, her giving him or not giving him a BJ, her doing or never doing PIV with her lover, or what she tells you being confirmed by a polygraph, in a very real sense doesn't matter. I a very real sense, what matters is what you use to determine if you forgive her. If you don't forgive her, then I strongly suggest you either divorce her or set up marriage counseling sessions so that you can get some help in sorting out your own confused feelings. Once you have your own feelings sorted out, then if there is any hope for reconciliation you can explore if you can ever trust her again, and what she must do to earn that trust.

Good luck. Divorce her or seek outside professional help.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Your wife has not come clean about what really happened. There is zero chance of actual reconciliation that works without her coming clean.

The polygraph threat is intended to encourage her to come clean, in the parking lot before the test. There doesn't even need to be a real test. 

You know she gave the guy BJ's based on his own admission, so you have her on that lie already.

What you really need to realize is that your wife doesn't care about you, she will lie and lie to protect herself, and that is her priority, not you.

The only reason someone stays with a person that does this to them is a lack of self-worth.

You should schedule a week away on your own and take some time to think about at all this... and also realize that you get along just fine without her.


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## SRCSRC (Nov 28, 2020)

Make sure that you inform the AP's wife of all that went on. In fact, I think your wife should tell her. Secondly, hold firm to the polygraph. Since her story does not match the AP, one of them is lying and it probably is your WW. Tell your WW that if there is a chance of saving the marriage, she must come clean. Tell her you don't believe her story. Demand a timeline to be verified by a polygraph. If she refuses, then you either rug sweep this mess or divorce her. It's your call. But whatever you do, inform the AP's wife. This POS AP must pay for what he did. Again, you must tell the AP's wife. No and, ifs or buts about it. Also, there is a slew of things your wife must do for you to even consider R. NC with the AP. Leaving her job if AP is a coworker, IC with a therapist versed in infidelity, complete transparency regarding her phone, electronic devices, and social media accounts. No GNOs. Jettison of friends who may have encouraged her to cheat. 

Respect yourself and don't put up with what she did. Better to dump a disrespectful WW than stay in a marriage where she will most likely cheat again. BTW, don't accept AP's story that it was "only" oral sex without a polygraph from your wife to verify that claim. Make her take an STD test to drive home the point that you don't believe her. You should take one also.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

re16 said:


> *You know she gave the guy BJ's *based on his own admission, so you have her on that lie already.
> 
> What you really need to realize is that *your wife doesn't care about you*, she will lie and lie to protect herself, and that is her priority, not you.
> 
> ...


All of these are cogent observations. Why would he want to have anything to do with her, no matter how nice her tattas are? 

OP, the best way to schedule a week away is to ask her to go live somewhere away from you. I am betting she will jump at the chance to go have another gentle 'bite' of the er "apple" on her AP or some other dude. Then you will see that it was over long ago, there is no going back, and get on with your life looking for a woman with some faithfulness. Hint, they all have a rack in various and sundry sizes and shapes. 

BTW, since you found this out has she done for you what she did for her AP? If not what was her excuse. She ought to be doing it for you as often as you like if she cares anything about you.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Doubtingtom said:


> According to her she never got naked with him
> But I would think if that was true she still could of had an orgasm !


First rule: Cheaters lie

Second Rule: Cheaters lie

Third Rule: CHEATERS LIE.

It doesn’t matter that your wife confessed. You only know what she thinks she can get away with. You only know the tip of the iceberg. The ugly truth is still hidden under the waves.

Yes, she gave him a blow job and a whole lot more.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Doubtingtom said:


> I was thinking that.Have her oral me and film it then dump her sorry ass


You could go to jail if you do that.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

ABHale said:


> You could go to jail if you do that.


From frying pan into fire


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

OP your wife is a looker, you fell for the looks and fake feelings she claimed to have for you.
You now have found out that she will bang guys she doesn’t even love while married to you.
What more do you need to kick her to the curb?

Surely you realize you don’t have a choice here. Regardless of you “forgiving her” or her saying she loves you, you’re going to get a divorce one way or another. She’s not going to stay with you. You’re just a pawn she’s playing with until she finds one she likes better.

File for divorce abd iend it on your terms as much as possinble


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## SurfsUpToday (Dec 6, 2021)

I have another thought I haven’t said yet and the reason why she confessed. It’s purely so she can control the narrative. If she says she is confessing to you, you will believe it. Right now she thinks she got one over on you. You need to stand up and refuse all of this. You need answers. Whether a polygraph or a petition of divorce. Something will get her to talk. If it was me I would end it. I am against divorce but hate cheaters.


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## MF_DDAY224 (9 mo ago)

no girl who hates oral would only do oral, that's a precursor to sex. my ex did the same ****. no two cases are the same, but occam's razor....


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

MF_DDAY224 said:


> no girl who hates oral would only do oral, that's a precursor to sex. my ex did the same ****. no two cases are the same, but occam's razor....


You see it here a lot. A woman will often do things with an AP that she tells her husband she doesn't like.


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## MF_DDAY224 (9 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> You see it here a lot. A woman will often do things with an AP that she tells her husband she doesn't like.


i guess that make sense. she's trying to get that person to like them, be 'fake', put on a different persona, etc.. like new relationships, you hide your flaws at first so the other person likes you more, then the more comfortable you get the more 'you' you become, flaws and insecurities and all


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## imaginativeone (Dec 3, 2021)

marko polo said:


> The magic numbers are always once or twice. They only kissed and petted like other cheaters. It only lasted around three months.
> 
> Lesson number one - Never trust the word of a cheater. They lie, deny and minimize what they have done.
> 
> ...


Or the full range of sexual experiences.


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## manowoe (Oct 13, 2012)

Doubtingtom said:


> *my wife confessed of a relationship with a good friend that lasted around 3 months. My wife stated that it was more an emotional relationship although there was kissing and petting. She claims that’s as far as it got. She ended it with this friend realizing she wanted to work on our relationship instead . I forgave her. But I did confront him . I found out that he was in love with my wife and was willing to leave his wife for her but she didn’t have the same feelings for him.
> The problem I have is that I asked him how far physically it went. He claims she gave him oral sex twice . She never liked oral sex . Is he just venting out at her or should I be worried she performed this act?*



I went throught an EA about ten years ago. She denied anything physical ever happened... I forgave her and moves on. Now... 10 years later we are seperated. I was able to burry it, but never get over it. I wish I would have moved on then.


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## jparistotle (Jul 10, 2018)

Doubtingtom said:


> Although I’ll miss those tits
> View attachment 85284





Doubtingtom said:


> *my wife confessed of a relationship with a good friend that lasted around 3 months. My wife stated that it was more an emotional relationship although there was kissing and petting. She claims that’s as far as it got. She ended it with this friend realizing she wanted to work on our relationship instead . I forgave her. But I did confront him . I found out that he was in love with my wife and was willing to leave his wife for her but she didn’t have the same feelings for him.
> The problem I have is that I asked him how far physically it went. He claims she gave him oral sex twice . She never liked oral sex . Is he just venting out at her or should I be worried she performed this act?*


Did you confront her about what the other man said? How it contradicts what she is saying to you? Time to get mad and demand a poly. This is not a he said she said game this is real life. You have to make a decision and tell her if she is hiding anything then game over. 

Also, does the other man's wife know all of this?


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## BoLv2Fght (Apr 1, 2021)

Doubtingtom said:


> *my wife confessed of a relationship with a good friend that lasted around 3 months. My wife stated that it was more an emotional relationship although there was kissing and petting. She claims that’s as far as it got. She ended it with this friend realizing she wanted to work on our relationship instead . I forgave her. But I did confront him . I found out that he was in love with my wife and was willing to leave his wife for her but she didn’t have the same feelings for him.
> The problem I have is that I asked him how far physically it went. He claims she gave him oral sex twice . She never liked oral sex . Is he just venting out at her or should I be worried she performed this act?*


First, thank you for showing your vulnerability. As a man that is quite difficult to breakthrough just because of the many things we were thought to be as a man. I'm talking about my own generation of course because we were I believe the last generation coming from the byproducts post WW2. If I could ask how did this confessing phase even started. Did the wife just came to you one day and said I have something to confess? This kind of scenario is an anomaly in the world of interhuman relationships. Second point, do you ever remember in your entire life from childhood to adulthood in which you did something wrong, wrong enough that you know it would hurt, and its a hurt that penetrates deep and lasts, whether it was intentional or not. Have you ever voluntarily went to the offended whom you know has no clue at all that they were even wronged by you and confess I know you have no idea what I am about to say but because I want to work it out, I want to give it my best, I want another chance , I want a fresh start so I had an affair with a good friend and it lasted only 3 months (one day, one time please know that it never can differentiate the difference whether she had multiple orgasms each time to just once. The level and intensity of the pain is the same regardless). Do not be fooled that in your hopes that they have not mindblowingly devoured each other somehow you think will lessen the pain? Lol. Thirdly, it is a general rule that cheaters by virtue of the similarities of their mindset and goals share a fact that as much as possible deny, deny, deny is their nature. When there's really no more choice. They admit and explain only the tip of the ice berg. Meaning, they are by nature only reveal the least possible truth. When my ex-wife said he's just a friend then I continued the sentence and most of the time when affairs happens it is usually with a friend, right? Anyway when she said 3 months, she meant 6 months and that is being conservatorship. We only had kissing and petting, means his tongue has travelled all the parts that has a skin in her body and more. When he said she only did a blowjob twice. Look at him in the eye and remember that look because that moment is you are looking through the window of a soul and I would not be surprised if you freak out and think that you just saw the devil. I understand you are in the bargaining stage. Betrayal has the same stages to go through as in death in the recovery process. I commend people who can stick it out and work it out. Don't be worried about which sexual activity they have or have not done you really have not enough energy to worry about whether or not you will ever recover from the affair. It's like death. No recovery It's impossible. They say time heals all wounds but the scar will remain. Even if technology can remove the scar. I am talking about the scar left inside from the trauma in your brain. We can only hope to be able to tolerate the pain since as time keeps moving, the pain will be lesser and lesser each year that passes by. Whatever decision you make whether to stay or move on pain and sorrow will follow. Damn if you do damn if you don't scenario is where you are my friend so better make sure that at least the choice you made was yours


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

MF_DDAY224 said:


> i guess that make sense. she's trying to get that person to like them, be 'fake', put on a different persona, etc.. like new relationships, you hide you flaws at first so the other person likes you more, then the more comfortable you get the more 'you' you become, flaws and insecurities and all


This answer to "why did she do things with him that she won't do with me" is very important and should be stickied.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Sfort said:


> This answer to "why did she do things with him that she won't do with me" is very important and should be stickied.


While we're at it, let's add this to this discussion:
"I didn't enjoy it, he is smaller than you are, and neither of us orgasmed."


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

2 month PA, with the OM willing to abandon his wife and kids, and only 2 BJs? That your wife was telling OM that she loved him, it’s very likely that she did give him oral and is listing it as heavy petting. 

It is VERY common for a WW to get wanton for her OM. The demure wife who gives you a couple of minutes of foreplay BJ on your anniversary at a fancy bed and breakfast is willing to give a BJ to completion on the regular in the backseat of a car in an isolated parking lot.

Besides paying the bills, helping with chores, and child rearing, the husband buys gifts, goes on date nights, compliments his wife and is given vanilla sex that may occasionally have some sprinkles but the OM, gets the enthusiastic porn star treatment with everything on the menu all for some compliments and making her laugh. it’s hard for a husband and father of many years to compete with illicit sex with a new guy that’s built up in a WW’s mind to be mr perfect.

Please expose OM to his wife, so she can know that her husband wanted to abandon his family. Who knows, maybe she will want to punish him by giving you a couple of BJs.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You are are in limbo because you choose to be.


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

Doubtingtom said:


> *my wife confessed of a relationship with a good friend that lasted around 3 months. My wife stated that it was more an emotional relationship although there was kissing and petting. She claims that’s as far as it got. She ended it with this friend realizing she wanted to work on our relationship instead . I forgave her. But I did confront him . I found out that he was in love with my wife and was willing to leave his wife for her but she didn’t have the same feelings for him.
> The problem I have is that I asked him how far physically it went. He claims she gave him oral sex twice . She never liked oral sex . Is he just venting out at her or should I be worried she performed this act?*


What more important is what is it your wife's been telling you, that she wants and you gave not picked up on the clues. Ask her what she needs that you gave her in courtship that she is missing. Could be new needs as well.
Oral part. Get to the bottom of that one.
If he imore alpha than you, be thankful they did not go full out all week as much as they can.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Agreed, no way in Hades that a guy would want to abandon his family for only a couple of bj’s. Lots and lots of sex was had, and apparently what she put on the menu for him was a lot better smorgasbord than she had for you. Dump her. Detach. Heal.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Sfort said:


> While we're at it, let's add this to this discussion:
> "I didn't enjoy it, he is smaller than you are, and neither of us orgasmed."


Cheat speak needs translation. Somewhere there needs be a cheaterspeak to english dictionary. In this case translation: 

"It was the most mind blowing sex I have ever had in my life. Couldn't wait to repeat the experience".
"He reminded me of Billie's BF Brad on Netflix, most impressive example of manhood have ever seen, filled me up so much nicer than you ever did, and he knew CAT perfectly"
"He came three times during out first round, never knew a man could even do that! I lost count how many times I came. 

Basically, just invert whatever they say and the result is pretty close to the truth.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

If your wife gave any type of physical affection to another man, that should be a dealbreaker, IMO. It, clearly, demonstrates she does not love you, respect you, or desire you. End of story.
It amazes me the level of abuse and disrespect those whom reconcile tolerate. IMO, tolerating this forever denatured the relationship shifting the power entirely to the cheater, whose mindset will be that she deserved more sexual gratification and affection in this life than you.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Who, not whom. Autocorrect strikes again.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Doubtingtom said:


> According to her she never got naked with him
> But I would think if that was true she still could of had an orgasm !


That’s beside the point!
For more than three months she plotted and planned cheating on you!
Why would you beg for that person? She has shown you who she is - a woman who will betray you.

just divorce her. Yes, she slept with him!


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

What’s the update Tom?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Doubtingtom he is not a good friend. At all. He is a bad person and a bad husband. Tell his wife. And get tested for STDs.


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## Night Owl1 (Nov 6, 2020)

Doubtingtom said:


> *my wife confessed of a relationship with a good friend that lasted around 3 months. My wife stated that it was more an emotional relationship although there was kissing and petting. She claims that’s as far as it got. She ended it with this friend realizing she wanted to work on our relationship instead . I forgave her. But I did confront him . I found out that he was in love with my wife and was willing to leave his wife for her but she didn’t have the same feelings for him.
> The problem I have is that I asked him how far physically it went. He claims she gave him oral sex twice . She never liked oral sex . Is he just venting out at her or should I be worried she performed this act?*


So sorry for you. Affairs of the heart are never easy. From experience, there’s no recovery from this infidelity. She’ll do it again & likely has cheated before now. You certainly can opt to stay together, but when trust & respect are broken, feeling secure in the relationship will never be the same.
I’d recommend counseling & a good lawyer for you.
Good luck 🍀


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## Night Owl1 (Nov 6, 2020)

Night Owl1 said:


> So sorry for you. Affairs of the heart are never easy. From experience, there’s no recovery from this infidelity. She’ll do it again & likely has cheated before now. You certainly can opt to stay together, but when trust & respect are broken, feeling secure in the relationship will never be the same.
> I’d recommend counseling & a good lawyer for you.
> Good luck 🍀


Ps details are vulgar…you don’t need to torture yourself with the sorted details of her infidelity (sex acts) It will only hurt you… if she cared, she wouldn’t have cheated. She’s a narcissist…


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## bricks (Aug 14, 2017)

From my personal experience and from what I have learned on this site: The partner who cheats or is testing the cheating waters never fesses up to the whole truth. You have to decide if that matters to you. You have a serious trust issue with your wife. If she tells you there was oral, will you then begin to question penetration? If you want to save your marriage, you have to consider if it really matters that you know all the details or will you put it in the past. Your wife's contrition and her behavior going forward will help you decide. Either way....it ain't easy. Good luck.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Doubtingtom said:


> Doubt she’ll take a polygraph
> How else will she confess


Then you have your answer if she did more. Make her inform his wife in person.


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## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

Just checking in on you. 
How are you doing?

Hang in there. Stay strong, and good luck


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Doubtingtom said:


> I was thinking that.Have her oral me and film it then dump her sorry ass


The measure of a person is partly shown in their reaction to terrible behavior towards themselves. Don’t sink to their level. If sex is something more than a physical act, don’t join in defiling it. Revenge rarely brings out the best in us.


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