# Husband says he "didn't sign on for" the way I look now



## NotHisDreamGirl (8 mo ago)

Hi, I'm here for advice and support because my husband is no longer attracted to me. He says my 30 pound weight gain is extremely unattractive to him and that I sold him a "bill of goods" because I put on all this weight after we got married so as far as he's concerned I was only thin before in order to get him to marry me and he "didn't sign on for" being married to a fat girl.

I'm NOT fat and it hurts being told that I am. My primary care physician says my weight is right where it should be for my height, it's just that I was really young (19) when I got married and it's not unusual for teenage girls to be underweight which I was back then. Also I had an eating disorder during high school and college so I really was underweight. But he wants me back at that weight, he actually accused me of basically catfishing him by pretending to be a thin girl when (according to him) I apparently PLANNED to get fat as soon as I had a ring on my finger.

I don't know what to do. He doesn't want to have sex anymore, he's watching a lot of porn and it makes me really uncomfortable because the girls in the porn he watches look a lot like I did back when I met him - waif thin teenagers. He's almost 30 years old now and honestly he shouldn't be watching porn with 18-19 year old girls in it! 

Am I really in the wrong here? He tells me I have no right to have made such a big change in who I am after we're already married. I mean, it's not like I've changed my personality or become abusive or suddenly become uber religious or anything like that. I just went from being unhealthily thin to being a healthy weight. Is that so wrong of me? He sure is acting like it is. And what kind of man WANTS his wife to have an eating disorder, to the point where he would become verbally abusive after she overcomes it?

We've been married 4 years but together for 5 (got married after graduating from college). I'm 24 and he's 29. No kids yet, still using birth control because I'm in grad school and we can't afford kids right now. Considering how short the marriage is and the lack of kids I'm really wondering if I should just leave now because this doesn't feel like it's going to get any better. What happens if I do get pregnant and he's completely disgusted by it? Or if I can't lose the weight easily once the baby is born?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Under no circumstances should you get pregnant to this asshole. If he wants to date teenagers then let him do it as a divorced man.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Do NOT have kids with this clown.

If he can't love you for who you are (and that includes what you look like) I would seriously consider kicking him to the curb and divorcing his @$$.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I'm sorry you're having such a terrible time. Your husband is treating you badly. It sounds like you are at an excellent weight and should not try to lose weight to make him happy.



NotHisDreamGirl said:


> We've been married 4 years but together for 5 (got married after graduating from college). I'm 24 and he's 29. No kids yet, still using birth control because I'm in grad school and we can't afford kids right now. Considering how short the marriage is and the lack of kids I'm really wondering if I should just leave now because this doesn't feel like it's going to get any better. What happens if I do get pregnant and he's completely disgusted by it? Or if I can't lose the weight easily once the baby is born?


I agree with you that it doesn't look like it's going to get any better, as far as his attraction to you. Not only that, but his attitude and behavior towards you are far from loving. He's checked out on you. If he's refusing to have sex with you, calling you names, and using porn. You have every reason to leave him. He's deserted you and is using other women (porn) to meet his sexual needs. Good thing you found this out before kids came along.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Everyone changes physically in marriage. Whether it's weight gain, or going bald, or getting wrinkles, no one stays the same. If he is already rejecting you for skinny teenage girls in porn after such a short time I seriously wonder what sort of man you married.
I wouldn't want him as the father to my kids that's for sure.
He is being so unloving and very disrespectful.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

When I was 19, I was a quarter-inch under 5’9” and I weighed less than 120. A few years later, I had a baby and in a couple of weeks after giving birth I weighed less than 125. That’s still a couple of pounds under the lowest number recommended for my height. Guess what? My husband thought my face looked too full (it didn’t). Do NOT have a baby with him. If he’s unhappy now, that’s nothing in comparison to how unhappy he’ll be later.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

This guy has problems. Cut your losses now.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

No kids? Leave


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## NotHisDreamGirl (8 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> When I was 19, I was a quarter-inch under 5’9” and I weighed less than 120. A few years later, I had a baby and in a couple of weeks after giving birth I weighed less than 125. That’s still a couple of pounds under the lowest number recommended for my height. Guess what? My husband thought my face looked too full (it didn’t). Do NOT have a baby with him. If he’s unhappy now, that’s nothing in comparison to how unhappy he’ll be later.


When I got married, I was 19 and 98 pounds. I'm now 24 and 128 pounds. I'm 5'5 and my doctor says I'm absolutely perfect where I am and she as well as my therapists are proud of me for how far I have come. But he absolutely hates it. Personally I think I look better now, I actually have curves which I didn't before. But the women he seems to find attractive look like I did when I was a high school track star (teen girls in track are notoriously underweight).


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Your husband has mental problems and you should divorce him. Your weight is not the issue. His mental disorder is.

your doctor and pretty much any man Alive other than your weirdo husband would like the way you look at 128


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

NotHisDreamGirl said:


> He doesn't want to have sex anymore, he's watching a lot of porn and it makes me really uncomfortable because the girls in the porn he watches look a lot like I did back when I met him - waif thin teenagers


Him watching porn is WHY he doesn't want to have sex with you. Having a wank to porn is one thing, but he is replacing normal marital relations with porn. He is using the weight gain as a convenient (to him) excuse.
TOTAL BS.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

There’s something wrong with him if he prefers a 98lb you vs 128lbs. At 5’5” and 128lbs, you could still gain a bit in the right places and be voluptuous.

Maybe he likes young boys.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

jlg07 said:


> Him watching porn is WHY he doesn't want to have sex with you. Having a wank to porn is one thing, but he is replacing normal marital relations with porn. He is using the weight gain as a convenient (to him) excuse.
> TOTAL BS.


It may not be the reason, but it sure isn't helping. Any man that would rather get off to porn rather than having a normal, healthy relationship with his normal wife, has some serious issues that have nothing to do with his wife.

I think if you continue to stay with him, he is going to cause you some serious issues regarding your body, @NotHisDreamGirl.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

NotHisDreamGirl said:


> Considering how short the marriage is and the lack of kids I'm really wondering if I should just leave now because this *doesn't feel* like it's going to get any better. What happens if I do get pregnant and he's completely disgusted by it? Or if I can't lose the weight easily once the baby is born?


I will echo everyone else. *DO NOT GET PREGNANT*. Since he isn't being intimate with you anyway, that should be the easy part. Cut your losses, get yourself an attorney and chalk this one up to choosing poorly. You are young enough to start over with a clean slate.

FWIW, we all change as we age in many ways. And what he "signed on" for was a lifetime partnership. He is the one who pulled a fast one on you. You thought you married someone who loved you without condition ( In sickness and in health ), what you got was a porn dog. He has let HIS guard down after the wedding and is showing you who he always was. If you think back, I bet there were signs when you were dating him.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

NotHisDreamGirl said:


> When I got married, I was 19 and 98 pounds. I'm now 24 and 128 pounds. I'm 5'5 and my doctor says I'm absolutely perfect where I am and she as well as my therapists are proud of me for how far I have come. But he absolutely hates it. Personally I think I look better now, I actually have curves which I didn't before. But the women he seems to find attractive look like I did when I was a high school track star (teen girls in track are notoriously underweight).


@NotHisDreamGirl ,

I am 60yo, 5 feet flat (a little under maaaybe), and weigh 175. I am NOT thin. But I am voluptuously curvy all over and built sturdy. Like I tell my Beloved Hubby, I won't blow over in a windstorm. LOL

I tell you this because when I was younger, I was married to a man who desired a 5 ft. 10 in. waifer thin, ballarina type woman (with no boobs, and no waist or hips). Why he married me I will NEVER KNOW, because that's not me! And for years I felt so ugly and unlovable. I hear your pain. 

So let me tell you a truth: you are beautiful as you are. You were specifically MADE to be 5 ft. 5 in. and 128 ... or so. That is super healthy for you! And guess what? Your beauty is not found in your physical appearance. It is in your eyes and the way you look at someone lovingly. It is in your smile when you see someone you love enter the room. It's in your voice when you sing or say their name. It's in your touch, when you hug or hold the ones you love. It's in your heart when you treat someone for whom you feel love in a loving way. Love-joy-peace-patience-kindness-gentleness...eminating from your heart...THAT is beauty!!

Do not let him devalue you in your own eyes. You are a priceless and precious gift, and if he can't see that, it in no way means you are any less of a treasure. It just means he can't see. 

Do not let him gaslight you with his line "I didn't sign up for this" either. In fact, he did. He stood before God, family, friends, and witnesses and promised that he would spend the rest of his life learning to love you. Nowhere in those vows did it say "As long as she stays 98 pounds." He promised to love you and only you (not those porn girls), through better and worse...richer and poorer...in sickness and in health. He made a commitment to FORSAKE ALL OTHERS. Do you know what that means? That means he volunteered to give 100% of himself to you and only you...and that leaves 0% for any other human being, real or imaginary! The commitment of marriage means PRECISELY that he did sign up for all of the ups and downs that life throws at a couple over the decades: maybe a child that's ill, maybe a physically disfiguring disease, maybe financial difficulties, maybe a death in the family...in other words "when the going gets tough, I'll stick it out with you." That is EXACTLY what he did sign up for! (Plus, these are not "tough times." You are following the advise of your physician and you're being wise about your physical health.)

So put on a big old wolf necklace or wolf tee-shirt, and next time he tries this malarchy about "I didn't sign up for you being a healthy weight" you let that wolf tear that excuse to shreds and deflect it from hitting your heart. What he's saying is just blaming you for his own bad behavior. Don't you believe him!


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

NotHisDreamGirl said:


> Hi, I'm here for advice and support because my husband is no longer attracted to me. He says my 30 pound weight gain is extremely unattractive to him and that I sold him a "bill of goods" because I put on all this weight after we got married so as far as he's concerned I was only thin before in order to get him to marry me and he "didn't sign on for" being married to a fat girl.
> 
> I'm NOT fat and it hurts being told that I am. My primary care physician says my weight is right where it should be for my height, it's just that I was really young (19) when I got married and it's not unusual for teenage girls to be underweight which I was back then. Also I had an eating disorder during high school and college so I really was underweight. But he wants me back at that weight, he actually accused me of basically catfishing him by pretending to be a thin girl when (according to him) I apparently PLANNED to get fat as soon as I had a ring on my finger.
> 
> ...


HUGE HUGE RED FLAG!!! Do NOT have kids with this guy until you figure this out. I know you're young, but just as an fyi, most husbands love and want to have sex with their wife regardless of the weight she put on. It's called Marriage.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I echo everyone else. Omg, your husband is ugh. 🥺 If it were me, I’d pack up and stay with friends or family and file for divorce.

Please find the strength to leave - his treatment will only get worse.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

NotHisDreamGirl said:


> When I got married, I was 19 and 98 pounds. I'm now 24 and 128 pounds. I'm 5'5 and my doctor says I'm absolutely perfect where I am and she as well as my therapists are proud of me for how far I have come. But he absolutely hates it. Personally I think I look better now, I actually have curves which I didn't before. But the women he seems to find attractive look like I did when I was a high school track star (teen girls in track are notoriously underweight).


I am sure to any normal human being you look much better at 128 than you did at 98. Your husband has real issues and is complete douche.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

One more vote for you being a 100% normal weight and your husband is the one with a problem. And PLEASE do not get pregnant. You will be stuck with him in your world for the rest of your life. You will be much better off with no connection to him. If you ask me he is a borderline pedophile the way he fancies 90lb teens.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

Sounds like a…oops…he has no sense.
The emaciated look isn’t attractive. 
If he like that now just think what he be life after you had a child.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

NotHisDreamGirl said:


> When I got married, I was 19 and 98 pounds. I'm now 24 and 128 pounds. I'm 5'5 and my doctor says I'm absolutely perfect where I am and she as well as my therapists are proud of me for how far I have come. But he absolutely hates it. Personally I think I look better now, I actually have curves which I didn't before. But the women he seems to find attractive look like I did when I was a high school track star (teen girls in track are notoriously underweight).


Tell him to kiss your ass


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

98 lbs at 5'5"? Oh my word, you were a stick!!!!! You are still on the thin side now and I agree with your doctor. I am 5'4' and weighed about 125 when I was your age. No one saw me as fat. I think your husband has a type. Some of us like thin and some like a few extra pounds and that is what they are comfortable with. If he cannot accept your weight I would question the marriage.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

5’5” depending on how your body shape is and how strong you are you could carry much more weight than you are now and still look really good to 99% of men. I guess your husband isn’t on that list.

If he’s saying stupid crap like that I’d just dump him.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

NotHisDreamGirl said:


> When I got married, I was 19 and 98 pounds. I'm now 24 and 128 pounds. I'm 5'5 and my doctor says I'm absolutely perfect where I am and she as well as my therapists are proud of me for how far I have come. But he absolutely hates it. Personally I think I look better now, I actually have curves which I didn't before. But the women he seems to find attractive look like I did when I was a high school track star (teen girls in track are notoriously underweight).


Yes, that sounds all too familiar, unfortunately.

He’s not for you.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

@nothisdream - You are the most-fortunate, perhaps luckiest person on TAM today. Thank goodness you put on a few pounds and discovered the true nature of your husband. Without having kids yet. With a future still ahead of you. He did you an incredible favor by showing you his true colors early on, and you did yourself a tremendous favor by recognizing that it's not you that's the problem, it's him. 

Please do not go to marriage counseling to address the issues. The only counseling required is for you to understand why you had a need to marry at 19; there may be issues that caused that, things that you don't want to repeat with your next relationship. 

You dodged the bullet that many don't. This guy seems so wrong in so many ways. Many times we read the stories and there's a strong bias towards trying to make yourself look as good as possible, the spouse the villain. Not here. No controversy.

Enjoy the beginning of the best years of your life.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

NotHisDreamGirl said:


> Hi, I'm here for advice and support because my husband is no longer attracted to me. He says my 30 pound weight gain is extremely unattractive to him and that I sold him a "bill of goods" because I put on all this weight after we got married so as far as he's concerned I was only thin before in order to get him to marry me and he "didn't sign on for" being married to a fat girl.
> 
> I'm NOT fat and it hurts being told that I am. My primary care physician says my weight is right where it should be for my height, it's just that I was really young (19) when I got married and it's not unusual for teenage girls to be underweight which I was back then. Also I had an eating disorder during high school and college so I really was underweight. But he wants me back at that weight, he actually accused me of basically catfishing him by pretending to be a thin girl when (according to him) I apparently PLANNED to get fat as soon as I had a ring on my finger.
> 
> ...


You should bail before you accidentally get pregnant. He doesn't care about you. He would rather you have a eating disorder then be healthy because he has a little bony teenager fetish. You didn't bait and switch him at all. You got healthy. He's way too focused on sex and doesn't seem to care about you for any other reason and now not even that. I really think you should run from this relationship. I hate the way he's gaslighting you about it. You've done nothing wrong. He's showing his true colors. And it will only go downhill as he feeds his porn habit.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

Read the previouse posts again.
and

did your spouse read/study this book?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

NotHisDreamGirl said:


> Hi, I'm here for advice and support because my husband is no longer attracted to me. He says my 30 pound weight gain is extremely unattractive to him and that I sold him a "bill of goods" because I put on all this weight after we got married so as far as he's concerned I was only thin before in order to get him to marry me and he "didn't sign on for" being married to a fat girl.
> 
> I'm NOT fat and it hurts being told that I am. My primary care physician says my weight is right where it should be for my height, it's just that I was really young (19) when I got married and it's not unusual for teenage girls to be underweight which I was back then. Also I had an eating disorder during high school and college so I really was underweight. But he wants me back at that weight, he actually accused me of basically catfishing him by pretending to be a thin girl when (according to him) I apparently PLANNED to get fat as soon as I had a ring on my finger.
> 
> ...


Stay on your birth control, finish grad school, and bail on this douche.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

NotHisDreamGirl said:


> But the women he seems to find attractive look like I did when I was a high school track star (teen girls in track are notoriously underweight).


 Your statement that “the women he seems to find attractive look like I did when I was a high school track star” says it all. He knows what he likes and you are not going to talk him out of it. It does not matter if you, me, and other posters disagree with his taste in what he wants in a woman, he likes what he likes. This is not you increasingly weight over time after having children and you age. This is you increase your body weight by 30% in the first few years of marriage, when you are still young at 24. No kids, you still in school, set each of you free to find happiness with so much trouble out of the gates of marriage. At this age marriage should not be so hard. 

My wife and I married young and we loved every minute of it at that age. I remember looking at my wife in a bikini on vacation when she was 24 with no kids, and telling her it would never get any better than this, we should appreciate where we are at in our lives right now. I told her that I was looking at her and taking it all in for me to remember. I then told her to take off all her cloth for me to remember it all, but at that point she was on to me LOL!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Look it's been 4 years, if you are no longer his dream girl why don't you do "him" a favor and let him find someone else. /s 

The you can go find someone who loves you and wants to see you at a healthy weight.


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## recovering2018 (Sep 9, 2021)

Just here to echo many others. Stay on birth control, finish your degree, file for D. 

He has no concern for your mental or physical health. He's a terrible husband. You're still young, educated, and NOT overweight. You can do MUCH better.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Trident, I could maybe understand your comment if she said she was 180 lbs instead of 100.
Here is the ideal weight range for her height:
"*According to the National Heart, Lung and Blood Institute, a woman who is 5’5″ should weigh between 114 and 150 pounds to maintain a healthy body weight.* "

98 was TOO thin. She is in the lower part of this range. I can't imagine a woman who is 5'5" being considered fat at 128 lbs -- because she's not.

ETA: That does NOT mean that her H will like her at a curvier weight. He probably is attracted to waif's/anorexic body types. If that is the case, he is out of luck. I see no reason for OP to lose that much weight (which isn't healthy).


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

He could be like a chubby chaser, but wanting super skinny women instead.
Often those guys want to keep their women on the unattractive side because they are fearful of losing them if they became attractive to other men.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

NotHisDreamGirl said:


> When I got married, I was 19 and 98 pounds. I'm now 24 and 128 pounds. I'm 5'5 and my doctor says I'm absolutely perfect where I am and she as well as my therapists are proud of me for how far I have come. But he absolutely hates it. Personally I think I look better now, I actually have curves which I didn't before. But the women he seems to find attractive look like I did when I was a high school track star (teen girls in track are notoriously underweight).


I was going to ask the difficult details you offered here so thank you.

Your weight seems pretty great to this barbarian and, with a healthy diet and exercise, I could see you weighing even a bit more.

Mrs. Conan is 5' nothing and weighs between 115 and 120 throughout the year.

That's a very healthy weight for her and she looks fantastic.

I can't imagine a young healthy woman of 5'5" who weighs between 125 and 140 being unattractive.

It appears your husband is attracted to a skeletal, unhealthy look which means it was unfortunate he met you when you were unhealthy.

I might suggest personal therapy for him and couples counseling if you feel he is worth the investment to help his mental illness.

Otherwise, maybe you should talk to a family law attorney to get an understanding of what a divorce might look like.

Mrs. C did gain weight many years ago when she quit smoking and it was a bit much. I loved her chubby ass off and she overcame.

You don't need to lose a pound and he's being an ass.

I won't lie to you. From what I can tell, it's a jungle out there but I would risk it if I were you.

There have to be some good people out there and I believe it would be better to risk not finding one than to stay with an unhealthy jerk.

I'm really sorry you got roped into this marriage.

I feel you are the one who got duped. Not him.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

There's plenty of girls in the anorexia ward he could be dating instead. I know, I went to visit one time and it was the creepiest experience of my life.

You try sitting there and having a casual conversation while girls with tubes up their noses stare at you.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

P.S. @NotHisDreamGirl , my DIL is around your height and has had trouble gaining weight her whole life.

She doesn't have an eating problem. It's more serious for her in that it's a problem with her biology.

I wish with all my heart she weighed as much as you.

She has trouble getting above 100 lbs.

She is currently close to delivering our fourth grandchild and she was able to gain some weight this time. I hope it sticks and so does my son.

We love her and it wouldn't change if she gained too much.

I wish you would find a husband that was ecstatic about your health.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

karole said:


> Tell him to kiss your ass


That ass is a blessing he doesn't deserve to kiss.😉


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your husband is attracted to the teenage waif look. You’re an adult now and not his type anymore. Find someone who deserves you.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

jlg07 said:


> Trident, I could maybe understand your comment if she said she was 180 lbs instead of 100.
> 98 was TOO thin. She is in the lower part of this range. I can't imagine a woman who is 5'5" being considered fat at 128 lbs -- because she's not.


You are correct. I got so caught up in checking the 5'0 175 pounds on the chart for that other poster, I didn't even run the numbers on the Op.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Trident said:


> REDACTED


You actually didn't read that she is only 128 at 5'5".

If you did read that and still responded this way, you need to shut it as you don't have a damn clue about healthy weight.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Trident said:


> You are correct. I got so caught up in checking the 5'0 175 pounds on the chart for that other poster, I didn't even run the numbers on the Op.


Good correction but you were still an ass to my second favorite hobbit/Wolf woman. Mrs. Conan holds first place for this barbarian but @Affaircare is intelligent, caring, dear and not wrong in her advice.

I'm not a body positivity apologist by any means but being mean isn't healthy.😎


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Trident said:


> I wouldn't call it "voluptuously curvy and sturdy". That's nothing more than denial and self deception.
> 
> 175 lbs at 5' is at the extreme high end of morbidly obese. In other words you almost can't get any fatter without being off the chart which tops out at 180 lbs for that height.
> .
> You said you're not even 5'. If you use 4'11 you're already off the charts.which top out at 173 lbs for that height.


P.S. she was being open for the OP, not for your criticism.

How is your height and weight?

It's not important really but neither was criticizing someone being vulnerable to help someone else.

OP overcame an often devastating health problem and she could use some positive encouragement.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

ConanHub said:


> P.S. she was being open for the OP, not for your criticism.
> 
> How is your height and weight?


I'm 6'1 204 lbs. 

I'm voluptuously muscular.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Trident said:


> I'm 6'1 204 lbs.
> 
> I'm voluptuously muscular.


Like this?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Trident said:


> I'm 6'1 204 lbs.
> 
> I'm voluptuously muscular.


I weigh about the same as you and I'm 5'10".😉


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

jonty30 said:


> Like this?
> View attachment 86520


Someone abused the hell out of her!😱


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Use the brain in your head & all the education you have to get away from this idiot before you have kids. He will make your life a living hell if you stay. 

He wants you to go back to having an eating disorder. That is not love. It's practically abuse & his nasty comments will eventually destroy your self esteem.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If his ultimatum is loose the weight or he will leave you, you really have to tell him to leave. 
What an awful unloving shallow man he is who is obsessed with ultra skinny teens. 
The porn use is a no no to many of us as well. Especially when he seems to want to look at girls who look underage even if they aren't. Many 18-19 year olds in porn are chosen because they have boy like figures and look years younger than they are plus are often dressed and made up to look younger. It's sick.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

NotHisDreamGirl said:


> When I got married, I was 19 and 98 pounds. I'm now 24 and 128 pounds. I'm 5'5 and my doctor says I'm absolutely perfect where I am and she as well as my therapists are proud of me for how far I have come. But he absolutely hates it. Personally I think I look better now, I actually have curves which I didn't before. But the women he seems to find attractive look like I did when I was a high school track star (teen girls in track are notoriously underweight).


In old fashioned British Imperial weights, 128 pounds is just over 9 stones. 98 pounds was 7 stones and way too thin. You are perfect now.

Your husband is the catfisher. He pretended he was a man and turned out to be a wimpy blowhard.

Annul if you can, divorce if you need to. 

His clock is stuck on teen girls and as he gets older that's not going to be good.

He wants to rattle bones with Skelator's daughter? Then that's not an equal relationship, that's a fetish.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

So I googled what a 5'5 98 pound woman looks like...










Nah no thanks... that is pretty sickly


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

RandomDude said:


> So I googled what a 5'5 98 pound woman looks like...
> 
> View attachment 86526
> 
> ...


She looks like a person straight out of a concentration camp.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Diana7 said:


> She looks like a person straight out of a concentration camp.


Agreed, if I met someone like that first stop would be a buffet.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

RandomDude said:


> Agreed, if I met someone like that first stop would be a buffet.
> View attachment 86527


Mind you I only weighed 110lbs when I was in my late teens and 20's. I was in the underweight category. Didn't look as skinny as that photo. Maybe she is taller.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Mind you I only weighed 110lbs when I was in my late teens and 20's. I was in the underweight category. Didn't look as skinny as that photo. Maybe she is taller.


The key thing is people’s weight and appearance can change throughout their lives. I gained 50 pounds by age 40, lost it by age 45 and most of the hair on my head over the same time frame. Both wife n I have wrinkles stem to stern. 

So if a spouse is all hung up on their mate’s outward appearance they aren’t going to be happy and aren’t safe for the long haul. The OPs “husband” is pretty shallow and not a good life partner.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

NotHisDreamGirl said:


> Hi, I'm here for advice and support because my husband is no longer attracted to me.


No Need to say more. That statement by itself is sufficient for a person that has self-worth, self-respect and dignity to leave the relationship. Finish Grad school, then dump him. That's all.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Rob_1 said:


> No Need to say more. That statement by itself is sufficient for a person that has self-worth, self-respect and dignity to leave the relationship. Finish Grad school, then dump him. That's all.


Why be miserable and abused until finishing school? Neglect and verbal abuse will mess with your head. Get out now, before you start to believe he's right and that you are the problem. 
Run from evil.

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> So I googled what a 5'5 98 pound woman looks like...
> 
> View attachment 86526
> 
> ...


Girlfriend needs a burger.

Preferably with extra cheese 😁


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

lifeistooshort said:


> Girlfriend needs a burger.
> 
> Preferably with extra cheese 😁


And don't forget!

Chocolate, sundaes, icecream, cake...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Girlfriend needs a *bacon *burger.
> 
> Preferably with extra cheese 😁 *And a ton of fries. And a chocolate shake.*


Fixed it for ya.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I was thinking shake.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> Fixed it for ya.


I like how you think 😀

Take her to the Cheesecake factory.

They'll take care of this.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> Take her to the Cheesecake factory.


Pineapple upside down cheesecake is the best! 🤭


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

How are you doing, @NotHisDreamGirl?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Cynthia said:


> Why be miserable and abused until finishing school? Neglect and verbal abuse will mess with your head. Get out now, before you start to believe he's right and that you are the problem.
> Run from evil.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk



Because I understood that they are not economically at their best right now. Otherwise, if she's economically able, my advice is also why is she still in this relationship at all? she should be gone by now.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

I'm 5/2 and weigh 240. He can put a sock in it.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Trident ,

[/small threadjack] I don't want to take away from the Original Poster's post, so most of my reply here will be to @NotHisDreamGirl . However, I did want to address what you wrote. Thank you for redacting it. I won't lie to you--it upset me.

The intent in my post was not in any way to suggest that NHDG should have a body like mine. NOPE. I am fully aware that I'm overweight. Rather, I was trying to share accepting ourselves as we are, and loving ourselves as we are. For my whole life, I've had a similar body issue as NHDG...just on the opposite side of the scale. I've never been thin. I understand what it feels like to see myself and see ugly.

If you ever saw me, I truly do look a little bit like a dwarf or hobbit from Lord of the Rings. LOL  I used to hate my lack of thinness and truly harm myself to try to be what I'm not: a waifer thin, ballarina type with a boyish figure. That. Is. Not. Me. I actually am built like a brickhouse. I have a very large shelf, a small waist, a curve to my hips...so I'm built like an hourglass, and not like a 1920's flapper girl. If I weigh less or weigh more, I'm still just BUILT. But I did not see, love, or appreciate me or my body. And that's what I was trying to talk to @NotHisDreamGirl about.

See, I will never be a lithe, elf-like creature (although I admire that kind of person). My body was made to be the catcher on the softball team. I have GREAT, very strong legs. I was specifically made to be a warm, cuddly, loving "home and hearth" mama. I have raised seven children and have two more step-kids with my current hubby. All of them occasionally needed a soft mama to hug, and my body was MADE for that. I have cared for a husband while he gradually deteriorated from heart failure and died, and my body was strong enough to help him, lift him, work all day, chores all night, and hug him! My body isn't bad. I don't have to hate it. 

I'm not saying exercising and eating healthy aren't wise. I'm not saying "be like me"! I AM saying (to NHDG) "Value yourself for the treasure you are." I AM saying (to NHDG) "Your body is unique and yours. Love it--appreciate it." Make sense? Yeah...keep working on being healthy--good job! Yeah, see some scars and wrinkles and stretch marks because every body is imperfect. But see, love, and appreciate the body that you have, just as it is right now. 

You don't have to be "physically perfect" to keep a spouse who is loving and committed. And if you become "physically imperfect" a loving and committed spouse doesn't abandon you. I'm hoping the OP will place her value in her character and her beauty as a person...and not just her current exterior because that will change. I'm also hoping that she understand that if a spouse does leave her for not being "physically perfect" that it's a defect in the person who left...not her!

Hope that makes some sense.[/threadjack]


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## NotHisDreamGirl (8 mo ago)

Affaircare said:


> @NotHisDreamGirl ,
> 
> I am 60yo, 5 feet flat (a little under maaaybe), and weigh 175. I am NOT thin. But I am voluptuously curvy all over and built sturdy. Like I tell my Beloved Hubby, I won't blow over in a windstorm. LOL
> 
> ...


Well, we didn't have a religious ceremony and we didn't take religious vows, we had a cheap quick wedding on the beach with a justice of the peace officiating and only a few witnesses. We hadn't even known each other very long. But I get what you're saying. The more I look back on the months we were dating, the more I realize we were probably never well matched. I think we mistook physical/sexual attraction for love and it wasn't. When I think about walking away it honestly doesn't hurt and I don't feel any of that "I can't possibly live without him." Getting a divorce just honestly feels like the logical thing for me to do at this point, at least once I finish grad school and can move back home.


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## NotHisDreamGirl (8 mo ago)

Casual Observer said:


> @nothisdream - You are the most-fortunate, perhaps luckiest person on TAM today. Thank goodness you put on a few pounds and discovered the true nature of your husband. Without having kids yet. With a future still ahead of you. He did you an incredible favor by showing you his true colors early on, and you did yourself a tremendous favor by recognizing that it's not you that's the problem, it's him.
> 
> Please do not go to marriage counseling to address the issues. The only counseling required is for you to understand why you had a need to marry at 19; there may be issues that caused that, things that you don't want to repeat with your next relationship.
> 
> ...


I got married young because I was raised in a purity culture. My husband and I were originally wildly attracted to each other. I broke with my religious upbringing in college, but I couldn't get past the idea that sex outside of marriage was sinful. I wanted him, he wanted me, so we had a fast and furious Vegas type wedding and a couple of years of amazing sex. Then I started gaining weight and he started losing interest. And quite honestly I have a feeling if I tell him I want a divorce he's going to be relieved, because it will allow him to go out and find another girl just like I used to be.


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## NotHisDreamGirl (8 mo ago)

Cynthia said:


> Why be miserable and abused until finishing school? Neglect and verbal abuse will mess with your head. Get out now, before you start to believe he's right and that you are the problem.
> Run from evil.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


I can't afford to live in this city alone even with the scholarships I have to cover my tuition costs. I haven't worked even a summer job since I got married and rents here are astronomical, there's no way I could manage on my own. I only have one more semester, and it's mostly just doing an internship, and I'll be done. Problem is, I have nowhere to go if I leave him. My parents were NOT happy with me marrying outside our religious community, and I'm not really welcome at home anymore. And if I DO divorce I'll REALLY be seen as a failure, divorce isn't accepted in the community where I grew up. And even though I'm getting a degree in my dream field, it will never make me a lot of money. So going it alone is going to be hard, I have no money of my own at all right now.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Your H is an ass. 

This goes beyond an attraction issue or a mismatch in his "type." The fact he is calling you fat and accusing you of catfishing and bait and switch and openly indulging in porn and denying love and affection etc is all indicative of an underlying character flaw in him. He simply isn't a good person. 

This is going to manifest in a variety of other ways. Like I said, this is not simply that he prefers very skinny women. His character is going to manifest in other ways which will include disrespect, dismissiveness of your feelings and wants and needs, cheating and potentially even actual abuse. 

Even if you were to get back to 98 lbs (DON'T!) he would still be of bad character and those things will still occur and you will still have a guy who treats you badly and cheats on you and disrespects you on your hands. 

There's no fix here. You losing weight won't fix his character and a bad dude is not going to be loving and respectful and faithful towards you regardless of your weight. 

He may have been hot and sexy in the beginning when you had that new relationship energy (NRE) and he was acting nice to get in your pants. But now the NRE has worn off and he can no longer fake being a decent person. 

Get out now while you are still young and don't have kids that will tie you to him. Throw this one back.


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## NotHisDreamGirl (8 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> Because I understood that they are not economically at their best right now. Otherwise, if she's economically able, my advice is also why is she still in this relationship at all? she should be gone by now.


I am a broke college student. I don't have a job because I'm trying to do a 2 year graduate degree in just a year. He is my sole means of support - financially, physically (he holds the lease on our apartment and the title on my car), I'm also on his health insurance. He has a fairly good job that allows us to get by in a fairly high cost of living college town, but I could never manage here on my own.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

NotHisDreamGirl said:


> . Then I started gaining weight and he started losing interest.


You need to question this. I don't believe it is actually true. I really don't think it's about your weight. I think it is about his character and that he simply isn't a decent person. 

I think if you were to get back to 98lbs he would still be dismissive and disrespectful to you and still be nasty to you and still cheat on you and treat you badly. 

I'm willing to bet that you missed a number of red flags in the early stages of your relationship and dismissed a number of the red flags that you did see that pointed to him being an ass. 

Your weight did not change him. He was always an ass, he just faked it as much as he could in the beginning and you dismissed what you were able. 

Now that you have been together for several years, the NRE has worn off and now his true colors are coming through. 

This ain't about your weight. 

Now maybe he does have a thang for young, naive, malnourished young girls with self esteem and emotional issues,,,,,, but again, that is a reflection of HIS CHARACTER. 

Now that you are a more mature, healthier and more self aware adult woman, you can see through his crap and he knows it so he tries to knock you down by calling you fat and putting you down. 

He's a creeper.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

NotHisDreamGirl said:


> I got married young because I was raised in a purity culture. My husband and I were originally wildly attracted to each other. I broke with my religious upbringing in college, but I couldn't get past the idea that sex outside of marriage was sinful. I wanted him, he wanted me, so we had a fast and furious Vegas type wedding and a couple of years of amazing sex. Then I started gaining weight and he started losing interest. And quite honestly I have a feeling if I tell him I want a divorce he's going to be relieved, because it will allow him to go out and find another girl just like I used to be.


Hopefully, he won’t marry the next one because in a few years she’ll age out of what he’s interested in. He wants the look of the late teenage years and no one can hold onto that.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

NotHisDreamGirl said:


> I can't afford to live in this city alone even with the scholarships I have to cover my tuition costs. I haven't worked even a summer job since I got married and rents here are astronomical, there's no way I could manage on my own. I only have one more semester, and it's mostly just doing an internship, and I'll be done. Problem is, I have nowhere to go if I leave him. My parents were NOT happy with me marrying outside our religious community, and I'm not really welcome at home anymore. And if I DO divorce I'll REALLY be seen as a failure, divorce isn't accepted in the community where I grew up. And even though I'm getting a degree in my dream field, it will never make me a lot of money. So going it alone is going to be hard, I have no money of my own at all right now.


This is sad and all, but you have a personal responsibility to take care of yourself. I understand finishing up your program, but after that, it's important for you to find a job that will support you and to live in an area that you can afford. I understand you want to follow your dream, but dreams don't put food on the table and pay the electric bill. If you stay with him, you will regret it. 
Your family may see this as a failure, but that's on them. They can think whatever they want. As a Christian myself, I can say that the Bible doesn't speak well of people like your husband. He is a reviler. Most Christians would agree that divorce is appropriate in your situation.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

Seems you have a plan or are starting to make one. Good!!!!!!

Plan to leave this xxxx at the next bus stop after you graduate.

Just wondering why he "holds the title on your car?" I would work to get that moved to your name.
DMV probably wants some $$$ to make that happen but, in most states, the work is mostly signing forms after
filling in the blanks. If he paid for it - try to gingerliy get it in your name. Otherwise - write it off and move on!



NotHisDreamGirl said:


> I am a broke college student. I don't have a job because I'm trying to do a 2 year graduate degree in just a year. He is my sole means of support - financially, physically (he holds the lease on our apartment and the title on my car), I'm also on his health insurance. He has a fairly good job that allows us to get by in a fairly high cost of living college town, but I could never manage here on my own.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

NotHisDreamGirl said:


> I am a broke college student. I don't have a job because I'm trying to do a 2 year graduate degree in just a year. He is my sole means of support - financially, physically (he holds the lease on our apartment and the title on my car), I'm also on his health insurance. He has a fairly good job that allows us to get by in a fairly high cost of living college town, but I could never manage here on my own.


No. Just no. What you do in the next days, weeks, months, as long as it takes you to finish school, you need to be honest with yourself and others. You have to make it on your own, however hard that may seem. You cannot be thinking to yourself that you’re taking your husband for a ride for a couple years, long enough to get you on your feet, and then leave.

That sets in place rationalization that becomes increasingly easy to substitute for truth and honesty down the road.

You do not want to be thinking, he did this to you, he destroyed the good in you. That would be a win for his side. That’s not who you are. Is it?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> Preferably with extra cheese 😁


What kind of cheese?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

NotHisDreamGirl said:


> I am a broke college student. I don't have a job because I'm trying to do a 2 year graduate degree in just a year. He is my sole means of support - financially, physically (he holds the lease on our apartment and the title on my car), I'm also on his health insurance. He has a fairly good job that allows us to get by in a fairly high cost of living college town, but I could never manage here on my own.


Is sounds like a plan. Wait til the degree and then divorce before you get a job. That way you won't pay him alimony if you get a good paying job.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

NotHisDreamGirl said:


> I can't afford to live in this city alone even with the scholarships I have to cover my tuition costs. I haven't worked even a summer job since I got married and rents here are astronomical, there's no way I could manage on my own. I only have one more semester, and it's mostly just doing an internship, and I'll be done. Problem is, I have nowhere to go if I leave him. My parents were NOT happy with me marrying outside our religious community, and I'm not really welcome at home anymore. And if I DO divorce I'll REALLY be seen as a failure, divorce isn't accepted in the community where I grew up. And even though I'm getting a degree in my dream field, it will never make me a lot of money. So going it alone is going to be hard, I have no money of my own at all right now.


Given this information, you need to start organizing and planning for your future so you can actually have one.

Otherwise, you may be tempted to hitch your wagon to another man for the wrong reasons.

Men can be the answer your looking for and just as often the biggest problem.


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## NotHisDreamGirl (8 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> Is sounds like a plan. Wait til the degree and then divorce before you get a job. That way you won't pay him alimony if you get a good paying job.


Pay him alimony? The man is a software developer making 6 figures and he's not even 30 yet. I'm going to school to be a children's librarian - I'll be lucky if I'm making half of his current salary by the time I retire.


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## NotHisDreamGirl (8 mo ago)

ConanHub said:


> Given this information, you need to start organizing and planning for your future so you can actually have one.
> 
> Otherwise, you may be tempted to hitch your wagon to another man for the wrong reasons.
> 
> Men can be the answer your looking for and just as often the biggest problem.


Considering I'm starting to think I'm bisexual (something I've pushed down my entire life due to my religious upbringing), I'm going to take a long time to explore other "options" before I consider getting involved in an LTR again.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

NotHisDreamGirl said:


> Pay him alimony? The man is a software developer making 6 figures and he's not even 30 yet. I'm going to school to be a children's librarian - I'll be lucky if I'm making half of his current salary by the time I retire.


I have this stereotype in my mind of a computer dude having anime waifus and that's his thing.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

NotHisDreamGirl said:


> Considering I'm starting to think I'm bisexual (something I've pushed down my entire life due to my religious upbringing), I'm going to take a long time to explore other "options" before I consider getting involved in an LTR again.


LoL! Women are just as bad or good so be careful and own your choices. Blaming religious upbringing is a crutch without much longevity.

At the end of the day, you can always look in the mirror to see who is responsible for where you are.😉

Pointing somewhere else besides yourself for your situation will never do anything to change it.


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## NotHisDreamGirl (8 mo ago)

Casual Observer said:


> No. Just no. What you do in the next days, weeks, months, as long as it takes you to finish school, you need to be honest with yourself and others. You have to make it on your own, however hard that may seem. You cannot be thinking to yourself that you’re taking your husband for a ride for a couple years, long enough to get you on your feet, and then leave.
> 
> That sets in place rationalization that becomes increasingly easy to substitute for truth and honesty down the road.
> 
> You do not want to be thinking, he did this to you, he destroyed the good in you. That would be a win for his side. That’s not who you are. Is it?


I literally will be homeless if I leave him. I can't go back to my parents' home, they won't allow it. None of my family would ever let me live with them, my sister won't even talk to me anymore, she tells me I'm a "disgrace" to our family. I've never worked a real job in my life, only part time summer jobs in high school. I don't see what choice I have. I can't very well finish my grad degree from a homeless shelter. Nor can I afford the room and board required for graduate student housing at my university. And I'll be starting my graduate internship (unpaid, 30 hours per week) in late August, which won't give me any time to have a job. I am DEEPLY in debt with student loans. If I just quit school, it will come due in 6 months, and I will have no way to pay it. Plus it seems really dumb to quit one semester short of graduating when I already have so much debt racked up.

Honestly, after the way my family has treated me, I'd rather stay with my husband for the rest of my life than have to grovel my way back into their good graces so I can go home. He doesn't treat me anywhere near as badly as they have. Trust me, my husband is a SAINT compared to my family of origin.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Uhh a librarian…


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## NotHisDreamGirl (8 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> I have this stereotype in my mind of a computer dude having anime waifus and that's his thing.


He is EXTREMELY into hentai porn. He watches it more I think than real porn.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I couldn’t live with a person who says that stuff to me.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

NotHisDreamGirl said:


> He is EXTREMELY into hentai porn. He watches it more I think than real porn.


Tada! And there you have it.

He is a fictosexual/animesexual whatever they are called.


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## NotHisDreamGirl (8 mo ago)

ConanHub said:


> LoL! Women are just as bad or good so be careful and own your choices. Blaming religious upbringing is a crutch without much longevity.
> 
> At the end of the day, you can always look in the mirror to see who is responsible for where you are.😉
> 
> Pointing somewhere else besides yourself for your situation will never do anything to change it.


I went from a very patriarchal upbringing to a year in a dorm room to marriage to a very domineering man. Give me some time to figure out who I am without a man running my life, I'm only 24 and a very sheltered 24 at that. I've never lived alone in my entire life and quite honestly my anorexia therapist tells me she doesn't think I've ever really had a chance to grow up. She even thinks I should consider changing my career goals because she's not sure it will be healthy for me to work with elementary school children. She says when you work with younger children you tend to be childish, and she's not sure it will be good for me. I can even see where she is coming from because I do recognize that I am more than a little young for my age (something my husband has definitely fostered).


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## kh4OffRoad (9 mo ago)

NotHisDreamGirl said:


> Hi, I'm here for advice and support because my husband is no longer attracted to me. He says my 30 pound weight gain is extremely unattractive to him and that I sold him a "bill of goods" because I put on all this weight after we got married so as far as he's concerned I was only thin before in order to get him to marry me and he "didn't sign on for" being married to a fat girl.
> 
> I'm NOT fat and it hurts being told that I am. My primary care physician says my weight is right where it should be for my height, it's just that I was really young (19) when I got married and it's not unusual for teenage girls to be underweight which I was back then. Also I had an eating disorder during high school and college so I really was underweight. But he wants me back at that weight, he actually accused me of basically catfishing him by pretending to be a thin girl when (according to him) I apparently PLANNED to get fat as soon as I had a ring on my finger.
> 
> ...


I hate it when someone you love treats you like this! He needs to understand that this has to stop to be with you. Not ok!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

NotHisDreamGirl said:


> I went from a very patriarchal upbringing to a year in a dorm room to marriage to a very domineering man. Give me some time to figure out who I am without a man running my life, I'm only 24 and a very sheltered 24 at that. I've never lived alone in my entire life and quite honestly my anorexia therapist tells me she doesn't think I've ever really had a chance to grow up. She even thinks I should consider changing my career goals because she's not sure it will be healthy for me to work with elementary school children. She says when you work with younger children you tend to be childish, and she's not sure it will be good for me. I can even see where she is coming from because I do recognize that I am more than a little young for my age (something my husband has definitely fostered).


At least it sounds like you have been getting your head on straight.

I hope you are able to plan your next steps for independence.


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## Bea22 (9 mo ago)

I'm going to be honest here. Men are visual. And attractiveness matters. My husband knows I dont like a tummy and the moment he gains weight I'll tell him when it gets out of hand. I myself, look after my body and consider it very important. Won't ever let myself go and expect he wont as well. 

He feels the way he feel. Nothing can change that. What matters is what YOU think, if you feel good or not. If you don't, maybe start eating more healthy and get that body back for yourself and him. If you feel good the way you are, then I don't see how things will improve. 

Fact is you can't make him think otherwise and he can't make you lose weight if you don't want him to. I don't blame him for saying he misses your body before you gained but his actions are wrong and he's being a **** to you. That is not acceptable.


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## NotHisDreamGirl (8 mo ago)

Bea22 said:


> I'm going to be honest here. Men are visual. And attractiveness matters. My husband knows I dont like a tummy and the moment he gains weight I'll tell him when it gets out of hand. I myself, look after my body and consider it very important. Won't ever let myself go and expect he wont as well.
> 
> He feels the way he feel. Nothing can change that. What matters is what YOU think, if you feel good or not. If you don't, maybe start eating more healthy and get that body back for yourself and him. If you feel good the way you are, then I don't see how things will improve.
> 
> Fact is you can't make him think otherwise and he can't make you lose weight if you don't want him to. I don't blame him for saying he misses your body before you gained but his actions are wrong and he's being a **** to you. That is not acceptable.


Get that body back? That body was a 98 pound anorexic teenager. Are you seriously suggesting I should try to get back to 98 pounds at 5 foot 5? My current weight is STILL low end for my height. He likes scrawny teenage girls. I'm not ever going to be a scrawny teenage girl again nor should I even try.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

NotHisDreamGirl said:


> She even thinks I should consider changing my career goals because she's not sure it will be healthy for me to work with elementary school children.


Not only that, the job won't support you. Most job opportunities will be in large cities where the cost of living is sky high.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> Not only that, the job won't support you. Most job opportunities will be in large cities where the cost of living is sky high.


Yeah....lots of debt to be a librarian?

Unpaid internships?

I don't understand choices like this. You're going to spend your life struggling financially. I was able to dump my jerk ex because I make money.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Bea22 said:


> I'm going to be honest here. Men are visual. And attractiveness matters. My husband knows I dont like a tummy and the moment he gains weight I'll tell him when it gets out of hand. I myself, look after my body and consider it very important. Won't ever let myself go and expect he wont as well.
> 
> He feels the way he feel. Nothing can change that. What matters is what YOU think, if you feel good or not. If you don't, maybe start eating more healthy and get that body back for yourself and him. If you feel good the way you are, then I don't see how things will improve.
> 
> Fact is you can't make him think otherwise and he can't make you lose weight if you don't want him to. I don't blame him for saying he misses your body before you gained but his actions are wrong and he's being a **** to you. That is not acceptable.


The thing is that she was unheathily underweight. 
Plus he is feeding his obsession with looking at porn of young looking ultra thin teen's. Is that appropriate for a supposedly mature adult married man? 

What happens in your marriage if one if you looks different? If one if you gains a little weight or changes in other ways? Goes bald? Gets wrinkly? Things sag? 
Honestly I adore Mr D no matter what. Tummy or no tummy.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

I understand that you are working on your graduate degree & have an unpaid internship lined up. Sorry but that dream needs to be put on hold. If you are working on a graduate degree that means you have an undergraduate degree which should be enough to get you a job of some sort in this economic climate where everybody his hiring. Chose wisely because many companies will pay for you to get that graduate degree so you get both: a job with income & the chance to fulfill your dream. With a salary you can move out.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Bea22 said:


> if you feel good or not. If you don't, maybe start eating more healthy and get that body back for yourself and him. If you feel good the way you are, then I don't see how things will improve.
> 
> Fact is you can't make him think otherwise and he can't make you lose weight if you don't want him to. I don't blame him for saying he misses your body before you gained


You misunderstand. She was NOT healthy before. She was sickly, anorexic & looked like a malnourished waif who was a victim of a famine. We're not talking about a slim woman. She is currently a slim woman because she gained. Back then, the body he wants her to have is an unhealthy concentration camp refugee where he can count her ribs. 

For you to tell her to go back to that is cruel! For her husband to tell her to go back to that is abusive,


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

D0nnivain said:


> You misunderstand. She was NOT healthy before. She was sickly, anorexic & looked like a malnourished waif who was a victim of a famine. We're not talking about a slim woman. She is currently a slim woman because she gained. Back then, the body he wants her to have is an unhealthy concentration camp refugee where he can count her ribs.
> 
> For you to tell her to go back to that is cruel! For her husband to tell her to go back to that is abusive,


That's just someone who didn't bother to read anything beyond 30 pounds.


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## Bea22 (9 mo ago)

lifeistooshort said:


> That's just someone who didn't bother to read anything beyond 30 pounds.


I'm from SA I don't know pounds... Sorry!! I know kilos so I'm sorry didn't know it was a low weight... I apologize. My bad. 

I meant if you were at a healthy weight, you couild go back if you want to. Not be unhealthy


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Bea22 said:


> I'm from SA I don't know pounds... Sorry!! I know kilos so I'm sorry didn't know it was a low weight... I apologize. My bad.


98 kg = 216 lbs which would be overweight & bad at her tiny height. For somebody like that to put on 30 more pounds would be dangerously obese. 

98 lbs = 44.5 kg See post # 50 for a visual. She was a walking skeleton. Now she's healthy weight having gained 30 lbs but her husband wants her to go back to being emaciated. Does it make more sense why we (I) jumped all over you.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

NotHisDreamGirl said:


> I went from a very patriarchal upbringing to a year in a dorm room to marriage to a very domineering man. Give me some time to figure out who I am without a man running my life, I'm only 24 and a very sheltered 24 at that. I've never lived alone in my entire life and quite honestly my anorexia therapist tells me she doesn't think I've ever really had a chance to grow up.


It appears that you are working to mature and grow as a woman, which is very good. I do think you should finish your degree, as you are almost there and you are not in a hurry to leave your husband. Also, your husband isn't trying to get rid of you.

I'm sorry that you grew up in such a restrictive environment that didn't allow you to grow into who you were created to be. Christianity is not supposed to be domineering and restrictive. It is supposed to free us. Christians are supposed to be the most loving people around. Your parents were mistaken in their approach. I'm sorry that you got such a distorted view of God and the Bible.

I don't know why people think that living alone or on your own is so important. I understand that it is for some people, but not for everyone. I know lots of people who have never lived alone and they live happy, productive lives, as mature adults. You went from one restrictive environment into another. That is the problem. You may have to have a roommate when you first start off alone. Don't let that deter you, but be careful to choose a good roommate. You will have some money starting off. Perhaps you could buy a condo and get a roommate to share expenses. You could vet them carefully.

I have seen people who grow up in the environment similar to yours that end up making a lot of bad choices when they leave. I recommend that you take it easy, so you don't do things that you will end up regretting. Take your time, but keep moving forward and seeking to grow in knowledge and truth.

I'm glad for you that you have been able to put on weight and get healthy. Keep up the good work. You are doing great, especially in light of your husband's rejection of your healthy choices. I hope you realize that there is something wrong with your husband. His thinking is unhealthy and his behaviors are not that of a well adjusted man.



NotHisDreamGirl said:


> She even thinks I should consider changing my career goals because she's not sure it will be healthy for me to work with elementary school children. She says when you work with younger children you tend to be childish, and she's not sure it will be good for me. I can even see where she is coming from because I do recognize that I am more than a little young for my age (something my husband has definitely fostered).


I agree with your therapist about your career goals. They are not sustainable for the rest of your happiness. It is imperative that you be able to support yourself. How long until you have completed the entire program, including the internship? What is your BA in?

As a single woman, you will have time to do things that you enjoy. You could volunteer at your local library or even a private school.

Here are some careers that you could use your library science degree for:
"The MMLIS is the perfect pathway to become a librarian, and there is a plethora of traditional job opportunities one can obtain with the degree: working in public libraries, academic libraries, private libraries, museums, government agencies and other intuitions’ libraries.
*But “librarian” is far from the only possible job title. Many graduates opt to become a digital archivist, someone who creates, collects, stores and organizes digital data.*
Some seek to become a competitive intelligence analyst, which is a role centered on monitoring and reporting industry and technical developments so they can predict how businesses’ competitors will behave. Others pursue positions as knowledge management specialists, which is about leading others in the use of traditional and digital approaches.
Additional positions include digital asset manager, metadata librarian and, of course, a professor in library sciences." What Can You Do With A Master’s Degree In Library Science?

"Some of the highest-paying industries for librarians at that time included federal executive branch, scientific research and development services, and legal services." What Jobs Can I Get with a Library Science Degree?


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## NotHisDreamGirl (8 mo ago)

Blondilocks said:


> Not only that, the job won't support you. Most job opportunities will be in large cities where the cost of living is sky high.





lifeistooshort said:


> Yeah....lots of debt to be a librarian?
> 
> Unpaid internships?
> 
> I don't understand choices like this. You're going to spend your life struggling financially. I was able to dump my jerk ex because I make money.


My bachelor's degree was at a college where an undergrad degree costs about $80k. Most college internships are unpaid. And considering I grew up one of 7 kids in a family that lived in poverty (my parents are farmers), it's not like I'm not used to being poor. I want to work with kids, I know going in that it's rarely a choice that brings in a lot of money. The two things I love the most are books and kids, so what better job for me than children's librarian? I most likely can't have kids of my own (I've been told the anorexia ruined my reproductive system) so I want to be able to spend my time at work around them if I can't spend my time at home around them.


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## NotHisDreamGirl (8 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> I understand that you are working on your graduate degree & have an unpaid internship lined up. Sorry but that dream needs to be put on hold. If you are working on a graduate degree that means you have an undergraduate degree which should be enough to get you a job of some sort in this economic climate where everybody his hiring. Chose wisely because many companies will pay for you to get that graduate degree so you get both: a job with income & the chance to fulfill your dream. With a salary you can move out.


I'm sorry but I don't think my marriage is bad enough to walk away from my degree when I only have one semester left. We'll have to agree to disagree on that one. He makes me crazy, but at least he's not abusive like my parents were. And at least he's just using porn rather than cheating. I don't really enjoy sex anyway so it's not like I'm missing it. If he became physically abusive I'd be out of here in a heartbeat, but he's not. We actually have a better relationship than a lot of the ones I've read about here and on Reddit.


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## NotHisDreamGirl (8 mo ago)

Cynthia said:


> It appears that you are working to mature and grow as a woman, which is very good. I do think you should finish your degree, as you are almost there and you are not in a hurry to leave your husband. Also, your husband isn't trying to get rid of you.
> 
> I'm sorry that you grew up in such a restrictive environment that didn't allow you to grow into who you were created to be. Christianity is not supposed to be domineering and restrictive. It is supposed to free us. Christians are supposed to be the most loving people around. Your parents were mistaken in their approach. I'm sorry that you got such a distorted view of God and the Bible.
> 
> ...


I have one semester left and it IS my internship. My BA is in English literature with a focus in children's and young adult literature and I have a minor in early childhood education. I want to be a children's librarian more than anything else in the world. It has been my dream since I was just a kid. I have no desire whatsoever to give it up. And actually if I was willing to move back to my home town, the head librarian in the school I went to has already told me she'll hire me as soon as I finish my MLS. Starting salary of $35k in a low cost of living area, with fantastic benefits because public school workers in my state are all unionized. The problem with moving back there is it would be almost impossible to avoid my family and people from the church I grew up in. I'm close to being no contact with any of them and I'm not sure I'm willing to back off on that.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@NotHisDreamGirl ,

We actually have several "librarians" in the extended family. The first thing people need to know is that librarians generally work in an education setting, and thus most positions do require a master's degree to start. My son, a brother-in-law, a sister-in-law, and the mother of my daughter-in-law are all librarians in different ways, and they all needed a masters or better. With a bachelors, you'd usually do an unpaid internship, similar to the way a law student does clerking before they pass the bar. It's real life experience to add to your resume so you can get the job when you graduate. 

So NHDG, here's how my family used their "librarian" degrees:

*Son:* he works at a state university in a large city, and he double majored in library and computer sciences, so he is like support for the computer systems that the library uses. They use a computerized "card system" and he keeps that computer system running, answers questions, and is kind of a "help desk."

*Brother-in-law:* he works at a community college and he also works with the computers, but I believe he's like an IT or networking manager kind of guy...so I think he works with databases and the networking software.

*Sister-in-law:* she works at another smaller college but she more like a typical librarian who uses computers mostly for cataloging and archiving and reference. 

*D-I-L's mom:* she worked in a local, smalltown elementary school and was head librarian for 30 years. She's retired now, but she LOVED it and especially loved making little displays with the books. She had one assistant librarian and another intern..and that was her entire staff.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If that’s your dream, follow it. My exH chose money over his dream, when we were younger than you, and my guess is that he always regretted it. He didn’t hate his career path but he definitely didn’t love it. He did, however, greatly enjoy the money that came with it and wasn’t willing to give that up. We wouldn’t have lived nearly as well as we did if he had chosen his dream but we would have been comfortable and to me that was more important than decades of not loving what he did. I think if he could have lived his life over he would have picked the dream. Go for it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

NotHisDreamGirl said:


> My bachelor's degree was at a college where an undergrad degree costs about $80k. Most college internships are unpaid. And considering I grew up one of 7 kids in a family that lived in poverty (my parents are farmers), it's not like I'm not used to being poor. I want to work with kids, I know going in that it's rarely a choice that brings in a lot of money. The two things I love the most are books and kids, so what better job for me than children's librarian? I most likely can't have kids of my own (I've been told the anorexia ruined my reproductive system) so I want to be able to spend my time at work around them if I can't spend my time at home around them.


Far better to do a job you like with less money than one you don't like with more. Life isn't all about having to be rich. As long as you can pay the bills you don't need luxuries.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

NotHisDreamGirl said:


> I have one semester left and it IS my internship. My BA is in English literature with a focus in children's and young adult literature and I have a minor in early childhood education. I want to be a children's librarian more than anything else in the world. It has been my dream since I was just a kid. I have no desire whatsoever to give it up. And actually if I was willing to move back to my home town, the head librarian in the school I went to has already told me she'll hire me as soon as I finish my MLS. Starting salary of $35k in a low cost of living area, with fantastic benefits because public school workers in my state are all unionized. The problem with moving back there is it would be almost impossible to avoid my family and people from the church I grew up in. I'm close to being no contact with any of them and I'm not sure I'm willing to back off on that.


I had the impression, from what you wrote, that you won't be able to support yourself with your degree. 35K isn't much money, but if you were living in an area where the cost of living is low, perhaps you could make it just fine. The place you grew up in isn't the only opportunity for you. There are plenty of other towns that need librarians. Perhaps you could find such a place and start fresh.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

You are spending how many hundreds of thousands of dollars to get a job that pays $35k per year? Yikes!



NotHisDreamGirl said:


> I'm sorry but I don't think my marriage is bad enough to walk away from my degree when I only have one semester left. We'll have to agree to disagree on that one. He makes me crazy, but at least he's not abusive like my parents were. And at least he's just using porn rather than cheating. I don't really enjoy sex anyway so it's not like I'm missing it. If he became physically abusive I'd be out of here in a heartbeat, but he's not. We actually have a better relationship than a lot of the ones I've read about here and on Reddit.


That;s your choice. Understand you are using him & not giving him sex. A relationship doesn't have to be physically violent to be unhealthy. Did you ever think maybe what he didn't sign up for is a wife ho withholds sex because she doesn't like but simultaneous expects him to fund her expensive education?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

D0nnivain said:


> You are spending how many hundreds of thousands of dollars to get a job that pays $35k per year? Yikes!
> 
> That;s your choice. Understand you are using him & not giving him sex. A relationship doesn't have to be physically violent to be unhealthy. Did you ever think maybe what he didn't sign up for is a wife ho withholds sex because she doesn't like but simultaneous expects him to fund her expensive education?


She has not said that she withholds sex. She says she doesn't enjoy it. I can imagine that someone who would rather masturbate to cartoons than have sex with his wife is probably not a great lover, which would explain why she doesn't enjoy it. I think her husband is a dud that doesn't understand her body. He wants her to go back to being anorexic. Obviously, he's not too concerned about how she feels.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Bea22 said:


> I'm going to be honest here. Men are visual. And attractiveness matters. My husband knows I dont like a tummy and the moment he gains weight I'll tell him when it gets out of hand. I myself, look after my body and consider it very important. Won't ever let myself go and expect he wont as well.
> 
> He feels the way he feel. Nothing can change that. What matters is what YOU think, if you feel good or not. If you don't, maybe start eating more healthy and get that body back for yourself and him. If you feel good the way you are, then I don't see how things will improve.
> 
> Fact is you can't make him think otherwise and he can't make you lose weight if you don't want him to. I don't blame him for saying he misses your body before you gained but his actions are wrong and he's being a **** to you. That is not acceptable.


WTF! You are telling a woman she should go back to her near anorexic 19 year old self.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

BigDaddyNY said:


> WTF! You are telling a woman she should go back to her near anorexic 19 year old self.


Apparently she thought pounds and kilos were similar. She’s got it now.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Openminded said:


> Apparently she thought pounds and kilos were similar. She’s got it now.


Damn metric system, lol. That makes more sense than telling someone they should go back to thier anorexic state for a man that I still believe must have some pedophilic tendencies. A 98 lb teen is going to look like a middle school girl, or boy.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Double post


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

NotHisDreamGirl said:


> When I got married, I was 19 and 98 pounds. I'm now 24 and 128 pounds. I'm 5'5 and my doctor says I'm absolutely perfect where I am and she as well as my therapists are proud of me for how far I have come. But he absolutely hates it. Personally I think I look better now, I actually have curves which I didn't before. But the women he seems to find attractive look like I did when I was a high school track star (teen girls in track are notoriously underweight).


Women are typically most attractive in their 20s because the body fully develops in this age bracket and youthfulness is there as well. This is my take of-course.



NotHisDreamGirl said:


> Hi, I'm here for advice and support because my husband is no longer attracted to me. He says my 30 pound weight gain is extremely unattractive to him and that I sold him a "bill of goods" because I put on all this weight after we got married so as far as he's concerned I was only thin before in order to get him to marry me and he "didn't sign on for" being married to a fat girl.
> 
> I'm NOT fat and it hurts being told that I am. My primary care physician says my weight is right where it should be for my height, it's just that I was really young (19) when I got married and it's not unusual for teenage girls to be underweight which I was back then. Also I had an eating disorder during high school and college so I really was underweight. But he wants me back at that weight, he actually accused me of basically catfishing him by pretending to be a thin girl when (according to him) I apparently PLANNED to get fat as soon as I had a ring on my finger.
> 
> ...


Your husband does not seem to understand natural human growth. He might be obsessed with how you looked in your teens and/or slim figure in general. This could be in part due to what he see on his computer on a regular basis. Social Media platforms including YouTube and even PC games tend to show very young model-like women for marketing reasons or as the means to draw attention to relevant contents. These contents do not capture aging processes and are not aimed to. Some men look at these visuals and wonder that this might be the norm out there.

You must have conversations with your husband on following lines:

1. Tell your husband to talk to a doctor, and watch contents which capture human aging processes. He should also learn about how pregnancy and child birth affects women. A man who marries a woman have to come to terms with these realities. Tell him that his body and looks will change over time as well, and he must step out from the "virtual fantasy bubble" he finds himself in. This is important for your marriage to endure with him.

2. Tell your husband that you cannot afford to loose weight because this will take a toll on your health and reproductive system. You may give the example of former Victoria's Secret Model Bridget Malcolm - this woman suffered significant health problems while she tried to maintain a thin frame for her line-of-work, and she had to quit eventually. Her health had deteriorated to the extent that she stopped having periods but she recovered after she quit.

3. Your husband watches porn as well - a habit that he needs to overcome. He should be aware of the negative effects of porn. There is ample content on the web in relation. Tell your husband to explore "negative effects of porn."



NotHisDreamGirl said:


> I got married young because I was raised in a purity culture. My husband and I were originally wildly attracted to each other. I broke with my religious upbringing in college, but I couldn't get past the idea that sex outside of marriage was sinful. I wanted him, he wanted me, so we had a fast and furious Vegas type wedding and a couple of years of amazing sex. Then I started gaining weight and he started losing interest. And quite honestly I have a feeling if I tell him I want a divorce he's going to be relieved, because it will allow him to go out and find another girl just like I used to be.


You decided to marry when you were just 19 years old. This is your personal decision which shall be respected.

My personal take is that a woman should consider marriage when 23 years old (and above) in current times; this is in view of factors such as physical and mental growth, getting a degree (if possible), and having some time to meet and understand people.



NotHisDreamGirl said:


> My bachelor's degree was at a college where an undergrad degree costs about $80k. Most college internships are unpaid. And considering I grew up one of 7 kids in a family that lived in poverty (my parents are farmers), it's not like I'm not used to being poor. I want to work with kids, I know going in that it's rarely a choice that brings in a lot of money. The two things I love the most are books and kids, so what better job for me than children's librarian? I most likely can't have kids of my own (I've been told the anorexia ruined my reproductive system) so I want to be able to spend my time at work around them if I can't spend my time at home around them.


No harm in seeking this line-of-work. You will have work experience at minimum.

Wait, you cannot have kids? You cannot recover? You should consult a fertility specialist in this regard when possible.









Eating Disorders and Infertility


Wondering if anorexia and bulimia can affect fertility? Our Austin fertility doctors explain the link between eating disorders and infertility.




txfertility.com





It would be better to address your martial problems *before* consider having a child though.


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