# Did you want communication with the OW/OM?



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I would have loved to communicate with the OW...he met her in Singapore and a couple of times after D Day happened I tried to communicate with her on a number of occasions via email..but to no avail. This sounds bad but one time I set up a new email pretending to be him trying to restablish contact with her but she never responded at all.

It actually pisses me off that she never attempted to answer my questions, etc. etc. She basically told him to go hell when she found out he was married and not separated and that's it. 

Still though I want answers from her about things he said, etc. etc. I do have her phone number and thought about phoning her but I have the feeling she would just hang up on me.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

highwood said:


> I would have loved to communicate with the OW...he met her in Singapore and a couple of times after D Day happened I tried to communicate with her on a number of occasions via email..but to no avail. This sounds bad but one time I set up a new email pretending to be him trying to restablish contact with her but she never responded at all.
> 
> *It actually pisses me off that she never attempted to answer my questions, etc. etc. She basically told him to go hell when she found out he was married and not separated and that's it. * Still though I want answers from her about things he said, etc. etc. I do have her phone number and thought about phoning her but I have the feeling she would just hang up on me.


You should be more pissed off at your husband...who lied his way into the OWs good graces in this case. At least she had a sense of decorum!


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Be careful what you wish for. Do you really think that she is going to have a heart-to-heart conversation with you? She may insult you, laugh at you, or more likely, just ignore you. Remember, she built a fantasy with your husband, and she will not want reality intruding on that. 

If she feels guilty, she will be defensive, and if she doesn't, she will think that you are a fool or a clueless woman who didn't know how to keep her husband happy.


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## Poppy (Mar 14, 2012)

We lived in Singapore and my husband was having an EA and PA with an Indonesian who he saw in Hong Kong every time he went on business, which was several times a month for a year. I did have her email account and contacted her. I found her on Facebook, so could also see her posts (open). She did respond and answer most questions, but I now know that they colluded as to what information they would tell me!! She would contact him when I contacted her!! When he left his job in Singapore and came to rescue his marriage (I had already left Singapore with the kids when I found out) she emailed me the last bombshells. This was the night before he was due to fly home to us for good. She told me he had paid for her to go to Singapore and spend the weekend with him when I was in the US last summer. She also, as the previous poster said, told me in no uncertain terms that I meant nothing to him, but the kids did and what a crap wife I must have been for him to want her. I was shattered. It meant he was lying to me for 4 months about it being over and the last time he saw her. On the back of that email I told him to go to a hotel and not home....just a few days before Christmas. I let her into my life and I wish I had not. I also have her number, but would never call her. I do not look at her Facebook page and I do not email her. Do not give the OW any say...she has already made you share your husband without your knowledge...she is nothing...do not let her in..you do not need to know...ask him your questions.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

No, you are right! I tried back when this all went down however I realized that she has no interest in communicating with me. None the less I still have alot of curiousity about her..

I do have respect for her in that she backed off right away..called him a liar and told him to go to hell. I guess from her perspective it was a huge mistake and she is done.

I do not have anger for her because he lied to her and told her that he was separated..why wouldn't she believe it..he was away from home for 2-1/2 months. It probably seemed like the truth...

On another note Poppy what did you think of Singapore?


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## Poppy (Mar 14, 2012)

I lived in Singapore for a year. Culturally it is very different and very expensive. Everyone has maids..most who live in the house..but I did not and this was a bone of contention between my husband and myself. I loved the opportunity to see Asia...we went to Langkawi, Hong Kong, Thailand. My girls couldnot get places in the large American school and had to go to a new International school with very few kids..and it was hard for them. Singapore is pretty soulless and very, very hot..all day, all night and all year. We had a great experience and would have loved to have been there for another year as planned, but all my memories are tarnished. Sex is cheap and my husband had sex with prostitutes in Singapore and Hong Kong.....most men do and it is very accepted. So sad that my husband did not feel that what he had was worth protecting. He moved us there in the full knowledge of the sex culture in Asia and this disgusts me. Sorry that this is so negative, but I am not the only ex-pat dealing with this and sadly I will not be the last...at least he did not contract HIV like my friend's husband did whilst there.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Poppy said:


> I lived in Singapore for a year. Culturally it is very different and very expensive. Everyone has maids..most who live in the house..but I did not and this was a bone of contention between my husband and myself. I loved the opportunity to see Asia...we went to Langkawi, Hong Kong, Thailand. My girls couldnot get places in the large American school and had to go to a new International school with very few kids..and it was hard for them. Singapore is pretty soulless and very, very hot..all day, all night and all year. We had a great experience and would have loved to have been there for another year as planned, but all my memories are tarnished. *Sex is cheap and my husband had sex with prostitutes in Singapore and Hong Kong.....most men do and it is very accepted. So sad that my husband did not feel that what he had was worth protecting.* He moved us there in the full knowledge of the sex culture in Asia and this disgusts me. Sorry that this is so negative, but I am not the only ex-pat dealing with this and sadly I will not be the last...at least he did not contract HIV like my friend's husband did whilst there.


It's too bad that your husband was one of those who was too weak to control himself in the face of such an acceptable Asian tradition. As mad as you may be at the OW, it's the husbands who are the real dirtbags in most instances...so sorry you're going through this.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I never saw the point. I got plenty of crazy bulls*t and lies from the XW, didn't need to hear some other warped perspective of reality from that d0uchebag.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

I have banned my H from speaking my name to/near her(he still works w/her). As I see it, she isnt fit to hear/speak my name. And I would not speak to her if she were the last person on the planet. I have nothing to say to her, my focus is on my H and when/if we can move forward. When he finally gets a new job there will be time for dealing w/her but not through speaking to her.


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## harpongs (Apr 10, 2012)

She's not the problem, HE is.

Start by focusing on the real issue.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

harpongs said:


> She's not the problem, HE is.
> 
> Start by focusing on the real issue.


oh, Im not at all confused. But Im not married to her. And the question was "do you want to communicate with the OM/OW" 
Thats the thread. Believe me when I tell you I am well aware of HIS issues. I deal with them from the time I open my eyes until I close them and on bad nights, sometimes in between.


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## harpongs (Apr 10, 2012)

I get that you're dealing with his issues but you're also blaming "the gun" when it's really the person who pulled the trigger.

The gun is just sort of "there".


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

harpongs said:


> I get that you're dealing with his issues but you're also blaming "the gun" when it's really the person who pulled the trigger.
> 
> The gun is just sort of "there".


I dont think you really know what youre talking about.


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## BettyBoop (Apr 2, 2012)

No, I would not like to have any contact with OW. I used to want to hurt her and insult her badly but it died down when I focused on the real problem; my H. 

My worries are the opposite. I do not know what she looks like. I know where she lives/works and have lots of info about her but I am worried that she will approach me at the store and try to make a scene, and I hate surprises.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

I DO NOT want to communicate with OW. In my case, there is an EA and the ONS. I was in a parade a few days after the ONS Kiss and I looked at a good friend who was in the parade with me and I said "if you see *** hold me back!" She laughed but I looked her square in the eyes and said "NO HOLD ME BACK!!!!" she didn't laugh and her eyes got huge. I had vivid visions of spotting the girl in the crowd and walking up to her and punching out her two front teeth and my brilliant line was "Now try kissing a married man Beyotch!!!" 

Never got the opportunity-thank God! I now know it was my H who was to blame


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

No doubt our H's are to blame. But in my H's case she was one of his boss' so she definately took advantage of a situation(again his fault for allowing it). But she abused her position as well. She created time for one on one projects, lots of back and forth email etc. she definately made use of her position. so I def blame him and we are dealing w/this every day. But she should also be held accountable given her position.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> No doubt our H's are to blame. But in my H's case she was one of his boss' so she definately took advantage of a situation(again his fault for allowing it). But she abused her position as well. She created time for one on one projects, lots of back and forth email etc. she definately made use of her position. so I def blame him and we are dealing w/this every day. But she should also be held accountable given her position.


Isn't there a law against this?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Ingalls said:


> Isn't there a law against this?


ABSO-F in-LUTELY. Thats what I mean about, when he's gone from there.....And there's no warning him so he cant warn her. Just do it. I have the ammo.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> ABSO-F in-LUTELY. Thats what I mean about, when he's gone from there.....And there's no warning him so he cant warn her. Just do it. I have the ammo.


toes and fingers crossed & prayers and positive thoughts....:smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Canttrustu..good luck with your husbands potential new job!

That would drive me nuts..being in such close proximity him with the OW. At least in my case she is overseas...I don't know if I could handle it if he worked in the same place with her.

I would be a paranoid basket case....


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

BTW, I contacted an ex of my husbands who was trying to weasel her way back into his life. It did feel good to tell her where to get off...who knows? Maybe if I hadn't known about her, and hadn't confronted, I'd be dealing with an EA (or worse) by now.

Sometimes, I hate women; they're so sneaky.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

highwood said:


> Canttrustu..good luck with your husbands potential new job!
> 
> That would drive me nuts..being in such close proximity him with the OW. At least in my case she is overseas...I don't know if I could handle it if he worked in the same place with her.
> 
> I would be a paranoid basket case....


well fortunately right now he is working from home(temorarily). But just yesterday he went in to the office. It didnt bother me like I expected it to. Im thinking when he goes back permanantly(if) then Im gonna be a basket case. Every day,10hrs, 5 days a wk, with her working ot probably to start back up for all I know. Or even him who knows, right? His office is 10ft from her. they can speak over the wall... its fvckin awesome! NOT. He is doing all he can to get a new job so I have my fingers crossed...

Thanks for the well wishes.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> well fortunately right now he is working from home(temorarily). But just yesterday he went in to the office. It didnt bother me like I expected it to. Im thinking when he goes back permanantly(if) then Im gonna be a basket case. Every day,10hrs, 5 days a wk, with her working ot probably to start back up for all I know. Or even him who knows, right? His office is 10ft from her. they can speak over the wall... its fvckin awesome! NOT. He is doing all he can to get a new job so I have my fingers crossed...
> 
> Thanks for the well wishes.


Sometimes I can imagine what I would be like...especially if he said he was workng O/T..I know myself I would probably drive to his work and check it out to make sure he was actually working. It would be hell...I would probably be consumed with worry and wondering what was going on...

Even just thinking about it..I can feel my heart racing a bit..and that anxious feeling in my stomach. I honestly have thought about it and I don't know if I would stay in the marriage..the paranoia would just eat me alive. I would be so consumed by it..it would be so unhealthy for me. 

I have said it before and I will say it again..it is amazing how much damage an A can do to someone..whether it be physical or not..it is a terrible feeling that I wish on no one. I often mourn for the years when I had complete trust in him.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

I didn't WANT contact with the OM, but it is (very) occasionally unavoidable. He's a coworker and part of my position at work is to answer questions for those in his department. With, however, one exception, he has made a point of avoiding me and going to others in my department when he has a question. I also occasionally give presentations for our entire group. The first time I did so after D-Day, he tried to puff up and show that he knew better than me, but I quickly shut him down by pointing out how he was wrong.

I'm not proud to admit, though, that during one of my more obsessive periods, I created an anonymous Twitter account and would reply to some of his posts, calling him out on general flaws in his character. Then I realized that I was giving him more power and importance than he has or should have. That account is still floating around out there, but I honestly don't even remember the login or password.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Grayson said:


> I didn't WANT contact with the OM, but it is (very) occasionally unavoidable. He's a coworker and part of my position at work is to answer questions for those in his department. With, however, one exception, he has made a point of avoiding me and going to others in my department when he has a question. I also occasionally give presentations for our entire group. The first time I did so after D-Day, he tried to puff up and show that he knew better than me, but I quickly shut him down by pointing out how he was wrong.
> 
> I'm not proud to admit, though, that during one of my more obsessive periods, I created an anonymous Twitter account and would reply to some of his posts, calling him out on general flaws in his character. Then I realized that I was giving him more power and importance than he has or should have. That account is still floating around out there, but I honestly don't even remember the login or password.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Giving him more power..that is exactly right. My sister told me to try and not give OW that much thought. She is right..I think by obsessing about her is giving her way too much power. It was a 3 month thing that he had with her..I realize that by trying to contact her that is giving her way more power than she deserves. They really did not know each other..H and I have been together for coming up 24 years. 

She thought he was separated and when she found out from me that no he is still very much married..she backed off right away. I do respect that about her...she did not try and stay in contact. She backed off completely...I had the feeling she would..she is the same age I am..(43). I knew once as I saw her age that due to having some life experience, etc. that she would go away. I think too because she probably knew that I knew where she worked that she feared somewhat for her job...thinking that I would let her employer know.


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