# how do I move foward?



## tzazpm (Jun 13, 2009)

My wife and I are seperated and I am hurting so much. We have been married ten years, she tells me that I have not been there emotionaly and she also states that I am not happy. She is tired of trying to help me find happiness. I have just been diagnosed with borderline personaltiy disorder this is caused from alot of childhood abuse I have suffered. The main symptons are fear of abandonment, black and white thinking, lack of emotions.
She has been there for me and I was working in different staes the past two years, last month I had a breakdown and was over come with a false feeling of abandoment. I know we need to work on our own issues and can not do this under the same roof. She has told me she does not think we could ever be sexualy intimate again and she neeeds time ti decompress. She will be going to Florida to stay with her sister for a few months and I want her to be happy, I love her soo much and my heart and head tell me two things. I would much rather be together but if we can both find happiness and remain good friends that is good. Help me- how do I give her space and stop obsessing over her?


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## Lostman (May 23, 2009)

it takes time to heal. Dont contact her for a while. Its hard to do i know.Ive been married almost 13 yrs this june 29th. been seperated sense day after other days. Stay as busy as you can. go see a counselor if you can. It will be rough not gonna lie. hang out with friends and family. Talk to them. It will get easier though. I know i just got some closure from wife finally tonight. Do what you feel is right for you. not her at this time also.


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## tzazpm (Jun 13, 2009)

Thanks, I know it will get better as time goes by.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

TZ: Borderline Personality Disorder is a challenge for people who suffer as you do from this poorly understood disability. 

I am sorry you are suffering from this as result of childhood abuse. From the bottom of my heart: I am sorry you had to endure childhood abuse. 

Am sure your relationship with your wife has been very roller coaster at times. She has obviously come to a crossroad and needs a long break from the stress of living with someone who is challenged by this disorder. Give her her space.

At least now you have a diagnosis. There are very successful treatment plans for your disorder. You need to commit to your treatment and DO things that are recommended to you. If you are given medications TAKE THEM and do not go off them unless told to do so. 

Many people with disorders develop very complex coping strategies, to include forming close bonds with a loved one. The problem with this is that the bond becomes so tight (due to the fear of abandonment), it gets to the point it feels like strangulation to the partner. 

Fear of abandonment is a childhood emotion which you have brought forward to adulthood. In childhood it is normal as a child NEEDS others to survive. In adulthood one does not NEED others to survive; others are nice to have around in adulthood, but you do not NEED them to survive. Once you realize you will survive regardless of what anyone does or says to you emotionally, you will feel much more secure. 

You are what you need to survive, everyone else is icing on the cake of life.


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## tzazpm (Jun 13, 2009)

thanks, You are so right on. I went back to work today (took 4 weeks off) felt soo good. I am going to get thru this and I really do want my wife to be Happy with what ever roed she chooses.


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