# I need help...After my own affair.



## Stephanie.Jackson

My husband and I were high school sweethearts and have been together since i was 16 and he was 18. He joined the army after 4 months of dating and we were married about 2 years later when i was barely 19. We've been together a little over 5 years now.

Anyways, my husband deployed for the second time, and long story short, after being pursued over and over again, I cheated. I cheated emotionally and physically for 10 out of the 12 months he was gone. He came home June 1st and on June 17 I admitted to what I had done, after he came into my workplace and asked me (I was planning on seeing a therapist the next day to discuss it with him but yeah, happened before I could.) and I said yes. Two and a half hours later (longest 2.5 hours of my life) I got off work and went home and he asked where I was staying cause I wasn't staying there. Well I had been hoping I could stay in the guest bedroom, but since he wanted me gone I left within the hour with a few of my belongings. I ended up staying with the other man because my only other option was my mom and she lives over an hour away and i work and go to school here. 

Anyways, within the next couple days, we divided up our bank accounts and took my name off everything. He said he wanted our divorce to be amicable. We both agreed not to divorce for another year because he'd lose over $1000 a month from the army and couldn't afford the house, and I need the medical benefits. Once a day I'd go to the house and he'd chew me out basically and say how much I hurt him, things I expected. But he also said I left him for another man even though he told me to get out so I did. Now that my stupid fog has been lifted, my feelings for my wonderfully perfect husband have come back and I want to be back home (I always wanted to be there, but I really know now that he is who I want forever.) Well, last night while I was at the OM apartment, his neighbor kicked my dog, and my dog means more to me than basically anything and I grabbed him and my keys and I got in the car to get away while crying hysterically because that just topped off all my stress. I ended up going to my husbands house and he comforted me and we eventually started talking after he chewed me out about what i did for like 45 minutes. I spent 7 hours with him last night and he just held me and kissed me and cried a little and did all the things he used to do. He said he just wanted to pretend like none of this happened and get back to the normal us. He tried to have sex but I declined to spare him any pain after i left. This morning I had to go back over there to get the other dog for the weekend because hes going out of town to clear his head till Monday, and we ended up cuddling again and did eventually have sex. A few hours later while he drove to his destination he called me and we talked for 1.5 hours. He told me his parents hate me for cheating on him and some other stuff (it's funny cause my dad went to a bar on two separate occasions and witnessed his dad cheating on his mom... hypocrite much... I want to bring that up but I have bigger things to worry about right now). 

Anyways, the reason I'm writing my whole life story for you guys is because I need help. I messed up bad and I want to fix it more than anything in the world. He made a comment on Tuesday that he kinda understands how his coworkers took their cheating wives back, but that he hates me so much and is so disgusted with me, but yet he loves me so much and doesn't want to let me go and makes excuses to get me to come over. When we're not physically together, he's so angry and never talks about a possibility of us reconciling, but when we're together it seems like there is hope for us. I am still living with the OM cause it's my only option at this time. I have been hinting that I don't want to be in this relationship to him but feel I have to so I wont be homeless, but he hasn't mentioned letting me stay in the guest bedroom. But I can tell it hurts him that I am over here and not with my mom or something. I don't get it, what am I supposed to do? He loves when I come over and he is super affectionate with me, but it seems to fall on the backburner when we aren't together. How can I fix this? Is this fixable? I know I need to get out of this OM place and he's driving me crazy anyways but I have no where to go unless my husband says I can live in the other room, but he's made no hints about it and I am definitely not going to ask that since I messed up. Sorry for the long story, but this is my life and I need it back and I will do whatever it takes to get him back and spend the years it will take for him to trust me like he used to. Thank you.


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## sandc

Find another place to live. No contact with the OM. Come clean and tell your husband everything he asks, hold nothing back. You are about to have the emotional pain you caused him to drop on you like two tons of bricks. 

Are you ready for that?

You will also receive some pretty hurtful replies here. Brace yourself. Most of these folks have been cheated on and are in severe emotional pain. Most would have rather been shot and killed than have gone through this pain.

But... get past that and read the advice that will be posted here. It's good and it works. Best of luck and hang on.


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## warlock07

Do your husband a favor and leave him. He is an idiot and will want you back, but don't go back. You married too young and too early. You aren't in anyway ready for a long term commitment like a marriage. Now you cheated on your OM because his neighbor kicked your dog? Come on!!!! . Divorce and enjoy single life for sometime. You are immature and not fit for relationships, atleast for now.. "Narcissist" is the first word that popped into my mind after reading your post


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## Vanton68

Sorry but if I was your husband. We could never reconcile while you were living with the OM. Are you still cheating with him? You could drive an hour from your mom's house if you truly felt enough remorse. so from what I'm reading your husband and reconciling your marriage isn't as important as driving 1 hour? so basically you have to stay with OM? WOW.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KanDo

Go back to your home. Tell your husband you are an idiot and that you are going to make it up to hm in any way possible. Tell him you are staying. Period. You aren't divorced. It is still your place as well. Sleep in the marital bed. . Be loving and let him cool off.

I can't say it will work for you; but, I can say what you are currently doing most likely won't.

Good luck.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

I want to find a place to live but I can't. It's seriously my old house, or this OM. I only work 11 hours a week, making about 500 a month while also in nursing school. I would barely be able to afford the gas of driving around everywhere and things that I need. I haven't told y husband "I want to work it out" but only because 1.) I think it's obvious by my actions, and 2.) I feel if I did he might say "oh well" and i am not ready to hear that yet.

As for the give him any answers thing, I've read this forum before and actually when I got off work I said do you have any questions, and he would try to ask questions but then quickly say nevermind, i don't want to know. To EVERYTHING. I feel lost.


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## MattMatt

Well, my congratulations on coming here. That took some courage.

You'll get Hell from some people here. Being cheated on by the one you love or loved more than anything makes for some interesting reactions to other cheaters.

You both need counselling. Individual and couples counselling.

Cut off ALL contact with the OM. Send him a No Contact letter.

Does your husband know about this site? Might be worth telling him about it, so he can get some help here, too.

Oh, yes. Tell him all he wants to know. Do not trickle truth. By that I mean do not give partial answers and then add more details later. That doesn't help.

Not all cheated on spouses want ANY details, so you must treat your husband as HE wants to be treated.

My best wishes to you both and your dogs, too, of course!:smthumbup:


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## Vanton68

ADN, BSN, LPN? Just curious? and are you still want a relationship with the OM?
_Posted via Mobile Device_[/


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## Stephanie.Jackson

Yes, I married young. Yes, I have my immature moments as I am only 22. This is a huge life lesson for me. We honest to God had the most amazing marriage. I had a blind, dumb, selfish moment and hurt the most amazing husband anyone could ask for for no reason other than pure loneliness while he was gone. He's been gone for 3 out of the 5 years we've been together due to the army. He was stronger than me and I've completely learned my lesson. No, I didn't cheat because someone kicked my dog. I am not in a real relationship with the OM, I have no desire to have sex or any kind of affection with him. There is so much tension in his apartment because you can literally feel how unhappy I am. I am seriously considering moving to my moms, I am also hesitant to do so because she has a new bf and is never home, she's actually currently across the country right now with him, and I will be totally isolated. I want to tell him I am moving in, and a part of me thinks that's what he wants me to do/say but I am afraid to because I don't want to push him away.
I am thankful for all advice, even the advice I don't agree with, but I am not going to just leave him because eventually it may or may not be the best thing for him. I've never seen another marriage like ours and I am sorry I messed it up but I will do whatever it takes to not just let him go, I'm sorry.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

ADN. I have 11 months till I graduate, then I am going to progress to my BSN while I work as an RN.

NO I DO NOT AT ALL want a relationship with the OM. I am kicking myself daily for what I did.


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## Vanton68

Im a vet who had his world destroyed by a WW who cheated while I was deployed. There are a few other GIs who have threads on infidelity during deployments. This might be a good site for your husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> Yes, I married young. Yes, I have my immature moments as I am only 22. This is a huge life lesson for me. We honest to God had the most amazing marriage. I had a blind, dumb, selfish moment and hurt the most amazing husband anyone could ask for for no reason other than pure loneliness while he was gone. He's been gone for 3 out of the 5 years we've been together due to the army. He was stronger than me and I've completely learned my lesson. No, I didn't cheat because someone kicked my dog. I am not in a real relationship with the OM, I have no desire to have sex or any kind of affection with him. There is so much tension in his apartment because you can literally feel how unhappy I am. I am seriously considering moving to my moms, I am also hesitant to do so because she has a new bf and is never home, she's actually currently across the country right now with him, and I will be totally isolated. I want to tell him I am moving in, and a part of me thinks that's what he wants me to do/say but I am afraid to because I don't want to push him away.
> I am thankful for all advice, even the advice I don't agree with, but I am not going to just leave him because eventually it may or may not be the best thing for him. I've never seen another marriage like ours and I am sorry I messed it up but I will do whatever it takes to not just let him go, I'm sorry.


You are too young to be in this messed up sh!t. So now that you moved in with the OM, it isn't rainbows and unicorns. How come you were cheating with guy for 10 months? Believe me, you are not ready to get back with your H either. You want to move back because things are bad with the bf. What happens when things get back with your H again? Find a roommate and work extra hours. Get some financial assistance from your mom.


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## Complexity

Stephanie, it looks like your Husband isn't completely resigned to divorce and there may be some hope for you two. As others have said, you need to move out ASAP. Your presence at the OM's house is a knife in the heart by itself. Move to your Mum's house and take things slowly with your husband. I think he'll eventually come around but the wounds are still very raw. I understand that immaturity and loneliness played its part and you've learnt a valuable life lesson. Just be prepared however, your actions will have long term ramifications so you both need to decide whether to remain in a marriage already fractured when you're still young and can start afresh.


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## warlock07

She is 22. Too young for this crap !!


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## Mario Kempes

Hi Stephanie. You need to go NC with the OM. You need to write the NC letter and show it to your husband and either let him see you post it or let him post it himself. 

You haven't a hope while he's still on the scene or in the background. Good luck.


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## Anymum

Don't give up on your husband or your marriage, no matter what kind of "advice" you get. Show him through your actions that you mean what you say here and are remorseful. As hard as it is to believe, successful Rs do happen.

However, the primary work will need to be done by you. Every day that goes by that you are living with OM and not H is a mistake. Fix that FAST, like now. Move back in with H as quickly as you can pack your stuff and drive to your home. 

It sounds like money may be tight for you, not sure about your H. You may want to check your local library to see if they have titles for you to read or perhaps spending some more time on here will help as well. 

Bottom line, work on yourself and your marriage. Get the heck away from OM ASAP... and any other nonfamily males for right now. Focus on You and H.

I wish you and your H the very best
AM


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## keko

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> my dog means more to me than basically anything


I think so too.


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## sandc

Are you still having sex with OM? If you aren't willing to move out then you aren't really willing to fix things with this "most amazing husband." I think you ought to let him go and chalk this up as a life lesson for your next marriage. You really don't want to do whatever it takes to save this one. I don't think you really understand how hard this will be.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

The relationship with the OM has only gone sour because I want to be with my husband. Not because the OM did anything to me. Just wanted to clear that up. I will visit my husband when he comes home on Monday and I will discuss my wanting to move back into our home. The PP was correct, we both own the home. He can't be too mad by it since he seems to want me to visit with him daily. You guys have been very helpful. While a lot of this info I already knew, it helps hearing it directed at me. I'm sorry for the folks who believe I am too young for this, but I have to disagree. If I can have our home built, maintain it while working and going to school full time, and prior to this affair have an amazing relationship with the man I married, I don't see a reason to give up on it because I had a stupid moment. Having an affair can happen at any age. Anyone can have a selfish moment like that. I want to move on with it and I know I married the right man.


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## sandc

But this is going to happen again. There will be more rocky times ahead. Aren't you going to just find solace in someone else's arms again?


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## Stephanie.Jackson

No sex with the OM. The most we've really been doing is going to the gym together.

No. I've been through a whole other year long deployment before this past one, and 2 separate AIT's where he was gone for 3 months each, plus basic training which was another 3 months, plus the time he was stationed in TN while I lived in texas for 6 months.


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## keko

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> I know I married the right man.


True.

He'll almost always be away from home....


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## warlock07

Just clarifying, you did not have a stupid moment, you had a stupid 10 months of lying and cheating on your husband who was serving the country. The statement itself is more proof that you aren't ready or realized what you actually did.

Like you said, there wasn't much of a marriage anyway. he was deployed most of the time.


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## Vanton68

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> The relationship with the OM has only gone sour because I want to be with my husband. Not because the OM did anything to me. Just wanted to clear that up. I will visit my husband when he comes home on Monday and I will discuss my wanting to move back into our home. The PP was correct, we both own the home. He can't be too mad by it since he seems to want me to visit with him daily. You guys have been very helpful. While a lot of this info I already knew, it helps hearing it directed at me. I'm sorry for the folks who believe I am too young for this, but I have to disagree. If I can have our home built, maintain it while working and going to school full time, and prior to this affair have an amazing relationship with the man I married, I don't see a reason to give up on it because I had a *stupid moment. Having an affair can happen at any age. Anyone can have a selfish moment like that*. I want to move on with it and I know I married the right man.


For god's sake please don't word a *10 month affair as a 'moment'* when you talk to your husband. That would make it seem like you are downplaying the magnitude of your betrayal.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

Lol, I do not say it was a moment when I talk to my DH. But thank you for looking out.
I couldn't wait till Monday to tell him I need to move back into the house. I just texted him saying I want to move into the guest bedroom, and i added "I don't care how much you don't want to fix this marriage or how much you hate me, but if I don't put every bit of effort to at least say I tried, I couldn't live with myself on top of everything else I did. And I most definitely can't do that living here." and now we're discussing it but he's mostly just confused as to where this all came from... waiting to hear a reply that describes his feelings.


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## MattMatt

keko said:


> I think so too.


I play second fiddle to a cat, and the boy friend of a colleague at work? HE plays second fiddle to two horses!:rofl:


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## WorkingOnMe

You absolutely MUST get out of the house of the OM. You must know that your husband will assume you're f'ing the OM daily as long as you're living under his roof. You cannot even begin to think about reconciliation as long as you have ANY CONTACT AT ALL with the OM. Continuing to live there only proves that you have zero remorse. No matter what you say, to your husband your actions prove it. Get out of there. Tonight. You have a key to your house? Spend tonight at YOUR house.

Seriously, don't be such a fool.


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## Anymum

I just PM'd you very the same basic thing that WOM put here. This is a must, get away from OM ASAP.

No need to wait until Monday. Spend a few nights at home alone talking to your H on the phone, or whatever. Just don't be with OM.

Good Luck
AM


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## Headspin

I've re looked through the posts here and maybe I am missing something but you are saying, in respect of a place to stay, you cannot stay at your mothers - you have to stay with the OM ?!

Is that correct? 

You are staying with the other man even now rather than somewhere else?

If I am reading that right then how for one moment can you be taken seriously?

I must be missing something here, I must.


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## Jibril

Here's the thing, Stephanie. If you want to make things work out with your husband, you're going to have to give him a _damned_ good reason for staying with you. He is perfectly in the right to divorce you and find a woman who will treat him better - you betrayed him and the oath you made to him. You _literally_ replaced your husband with another man while he was away. If you could do that so easily, why, _oh why_, should he take you back? 

It's good that you've texted him about it, and want to work things out. You can always tell him you've been getting advice from here, if he's curious. He may want to get advice of his own.

However, there is a massive elephant in the room that needs to be addressed, and that is your own attitude towards the marriage. You betrayed the marriage for an extended length of time, and you _really_ need to look into _why_ you could consciously do that, as easily as you did. This is _well_ beyond a simple mistake - you made a clear choice - you choose to have an extended affair with another man. Period. Yes, your husband wasn't there to steer you right. That doesn't excuse your horrific boundaries and crappy moral compass.

I suggest you get some counseling, and try and root out the reason(s) for why you could consciously do this to someone you promised yourself to.

First of all - Get the *hell* away from the OM. Right now. If you need to camp outside your husband's house, then damn-it that's what you need to do. Do not stay anywhere _near_ this man for another second.

And in the meantime, you need to work on establishing proper boundaries with your husband. You let another man court you for a while before committing to an affair? Why do you have such close contact with other men to begin with? Why couldn't you turn the other man down? Is persistence all a man needs to get you to betray your marital vows? You need to address all of this.

No contact with the other man. Ever. No texting, no e-mails, not a thing. Write a letter of no-contact, telling him exactly how you feel - you feel horrible for betraying your husband, you will no longer be in contact with the OM and will put all your effort into making things work with your spouse. I'm sure there are NC letter examples that you can emulate here on TAM.

You also need to be utterly transparent with your husband. Any and all social outlets that you may have - e-mails, facebook, Twitter, etc. He needs to have those passwords. He needs to be able to access that whenever he wishes.

You will need to help your husband heal. You chose another man over your husband for nearly a year of your marriage. This is a huge betrayal, especially for a marriage as young as your own. You've cheated on him for nearly a fifth of the marriage. He feels like $#!% right now - worthless, alone and ashamed. Do whatever you can to help him heal, and earn his trust.


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## jnj express

You have a right to live in your own home, where your H. is---he cannot kick you out---you also have a right to half of all money coming in, from your h.---Your still married--so you are protected by law

Your H., will never R---as long as you are at your lovers home---just go to your own home---he can't keep you out.

You don't deserve these things, but by law you are entitled to them

Then you need to go fix yourself---cuz your excuse for cheating is as lame as it gets---oh I forgot you are only 22---You don't know what boundaries, and morals are, do you---and obviously vows mean nothing to you---good luck to you--whatever happens


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## Acabado

*Couch surfing*. Don't you have any GF or classmate?

The 1rt rule is No More Harm.
You need to diss OM yesterday, then send a NC letter, then provide your husband free access to your comunication devices and check on him about your where abouts.
Then BEG you husband another chance to prove yourself.
Then do it. Start proving yourself. Learn about respect. Build boundaires around your to protect yourself even for self inflicted harms. Search your weakness.


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## Paulination

You know what really kills me about a story like this? Our men and women are serving this country and putting their lives on the line and the one thing that keeps them going is the security that their wives/husbands are standing behind them and taking care of business at home. How the hell can they do their honorable jobs effectively if they have to worry about their spouse cheating on them with someone who has 1/10 of the integrity and honor as themselves?

I wonder how many young men have died because they have been distracted at a critical moment thinking about the affair their wife might be having?

I'm being dramatic only because I lived it. When my dad was a fighter pilot in Vietnam my mom cheated on him during his two tours with two different freakin hippies. My dad left when I was 5 because of it. Thanks mom.


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## lordmayhem

Paulination said:


> I wonder how many young men have died because they have been distracted at a critical moment thinking about the affair their wife might be having?


At the very beginning of Operation Enduring Freedom and a deployed location in the sandbox, my brother was on patrol on the base and he had to grab a rifle from a young soldier in a fox hole who was going to blow his own brains out because his wife sent him the dreaded "Dear John" letter from his wife. In the letter she said she was cheating on him and leaving him for another man.

Thank God I never got one of those letters from my fWW despite all the deployments I've been on. I don't know if I could have handled it. I've missed so many birthdays, anniversaries, family events over the years, and she was the one who kept me going, kept the family going while I was away and couldn't be the father I could be. She was my rock thru the hard years. Besides her remorsefulness, that's one of the reasons I'm in R. I owe her that chance. Military life is hard on marriages, ask Thorburn and many others. Most every guy I worked with had been divorced before.


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## Count of Monte Cristo

Park your car in the driveway and sleep in it if you have to -- but get your ass back home. I personally don't think that you guys are going to make it because the two of you were too young and immature to get married in the first place. WTF were you thinking while screwing another man for 10 months? And now you're living with him and 'only going to the gym' with him? Get a clue!


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## Shaggy

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> No sex with the OM. The most we've really been doing is going to the gym together.
> 
> No. I've been through a whole other year long deployment before this past one, and 2 separate AIT's where he was gone for 3 months each, plus basic training which was another 3 months, plus the time he was stationed in TN while I lived in texas for 6 months.


You had an almost year long affair with him that has destroyed your marriage. You move out snd straight in with him.

We are complete strangers and I don't believe you when you say you haven't had sex with the OM since you moved in with him.

If I don't believe it, your husband certainly won't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Phenix70

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> No sex with the OM. The most we've really been doing is going to the gym together.
> 
> No. I've been through a whole other year long deployment before this past one, and 2 separate AIT's where he was gone for 3 months each, plus basic training which was another 3 months, plus the time he was stationed in TN while I lived in texas for 6 months.


Yeah, I've waited for my husband through an almost 16 month deployment, endless trainings, living in CA when he was in GA, going to NTC twice, IBOLC, Airborne School, Ranger School & now a 9+ month deployment & NEVER EVER ONCE has the thought to cheat ever crossed my mind.
You know what my husband is dealing with right now?
One of his soldiers his going through a divorce, which was real classy on the part of the wife when she served her husband right before he deployed. 

Before you do anything, figure out why you cheated in the first place.
If it was because you were lonely or weren't getting enough attention from your husband while he was OUT DOING HIS JOB, then what are you going to do the next time he's gone?
Find out what your motivation was then, otherwise you're going to end up in the same situation again.


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## Shaggy

If you have any hope with your husband you must:

1. End for the rest of your life ALL contact of any kind with the OM. Immediately and forever.
2. No lies to your husband about what you did, how much, and where with the OM. Including any sex you've had with him since moving in.
3. Take every gift the OM gave you and throw it in garbage.
4. Take all the sexy things you wore for the OM and throw them in the garbage

Purge the time with the OM from your life. No momentous, photos, emails nothing. It all goes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado

> prior to this affair have an amazing relationship with the man I married, I don't see a reason to give up on it because I had a stupid moment


You need to start having a better grasp on reality. Realy, Stephanie? Really? A stupid moment is 16 months affair while your husband is deployed? Are you kidding me? All the while, I sume, skiping with him how honky dory life is? This is probably the worse experience any spose has to endure in their married life. It's horrible. Don' minimize and downplay it. Not ever for your husband but for you. If you liik at it as serious as it is you won't learn a darn thing no matter what happens to you marriage. You will repeat this "stuid mistake" forever. You won't be able to be faithful.



> The relationship with the OM has only gone sour because I want to be with my husband. Not because the OM did anything to me.


OM did many thing to you. He helped you to trash yourself, he persued you until you caved in, knowing you husband was away. He's a total coward. Asuming you husband refuses finnaly to give you a new chance this man has to go. He has to go anyway. For you. He's the accomplice in your self destruction. You need to stay away from people like this forever. Whatever you have with him is build on lies and pain. He will always be the man you cheated your husband with. Such a catch.

Listen, friend, I know you came here to get some tips on "how to gain your husband back" but what you need to do you have to do it first for yourself!. Self respect and integrity are the only things we really own. You need to grow up no mater the path of your marriage. Start. Now.


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## Shaggy

Yeah, a long term affair isn't a stupid moment. It's you making a choice over and over again that says you don't have any care for how much you stab yor husbanding the back. He knows this, aspies his family. This is you showing your true colors and now you think you can just flip you hair and go back? This isn't high school. It's real life and your husband has a permanent scar on his soul.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Count of Monte Cristo

If it's any consolation, at least you two don't have any kids.


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## Machiavelli

warlock07 said:


> She is 22. Too young for this crap !!


Age is a copout. Until recently, women were married off around 12-14 and had been since the dawn of time. 

Another thing, I know I'm a dinosaur, but this modern married army is really something else. My youngest brother's XWW was nailed by a USAF flyboy while he was ****ing cannons in Desert Storm. My younger clients who are ex-military make it sound like it's a giant swingers club these days.


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## TBT

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> If I can have our home built


I hope you haven't taken this from him as well because of your actions.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

Just wanted to give a little update for those of you who are here to actually offer advice. To those of you who offered sound advice, I have followed most of it. To those of you who just want to try to knock a person down, I couldn't really care any less as I didn't come here to talk with you 

So I messaged my husband all that, and he said let's talk about it later. Well, he called and I'm pretty much in begging mode. I know we can make it through this. I know I can continue being his wife and not look at another man in that light. I've had a failing moment that I'm learning heavily from and I would hate to lose such a wonderful man. He was with his friend so he is going to call me again later tonight. I would go home, trust me I long for it (and to the person who asked if I let him stay in our home, YES, he lives there). But he's outta town until Sunday or Monday and the security lock is on and I noticed a few days ago he had changed the password. I would go sleep in my car, but I actually just did that on Tuesday and I only lasted about 2 hours since it's so hot and humid here in TX and i also got eaten up by mosquitoes. I contacted my mom about staying with her until this weekend is over, and she is going to be in NY for another 6 days. I also have two 70 lb dogs with me. I am not trying to give you guys excuses, I just want you to know I am sincerely trying to and/or am taking your advice. I just told the OM that I am leaving ASAP and he cried but that's the least of my concern. I also have my insurance setup and qualified to get me started in counseling on Monday. I am going to go alone for a bit and hopefully (i haven't asked) he will see my efforts and come along with me. Unfortunately, he hasn't asked too many questions about the affair as I would really like to answer them for him but I'm letting him deal with it the way he wants.

Anyways, I feel my best shot is for me to get into our home and show him how much I want to correct my mistake. I will beg and plead as much as it takes. He already had all my passwords and stuff but I've actually deactivated my FB account already even though that had nothing to do with it. Anything to show him I am trying my best. I am also sorry for offending any of you, as I know many of you have gone through the same thing. And as for the comment about the military marriages being basically a joke, unfortunately it's true. The other day an old coworker invited me to a get together with a bunch of army wives and their husbands, and while the husbands were in the garage, the wives congregated in the kitchen and i discovered they ALL were cheating on their husbands (either just PA or PA & EA) and there I was right along with them and I felt disgusted to be in that group. Mine is the only one that knows though. But yeah, it runs rampant in the military. I know this marriage is worth salvaging and I will really give this my best shot. 
Thank you for the kind words


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## LookingForTheSun

A little off the subject here, but I was a military spouse for 14 years of my husbands 20....I was 100% faithful, supported him, took care of everything - he even said he could not have done it without me...and he cheated on me twice while in and now this last time 1.25 years after retirement....it is not always the spouses who stay home who cheat...I have seen many soldiers cheat on their spouses. While defending their country, a lot of them feel entitlement at anyones' expense. I have seen male and female soldiers equally cheat on their spouses...quite sad.


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## EleGirl

Machiavelli said:


> Age is a copout. Until recently, women were married off around 12-14 and had been since the dawn of time.
> 
> Another thing, I know I'm a dinosaur, but this modern married army is really something else. My youngest brother's XWW was nailed by a USAF flyboy while he was ****ing cannons in Desert Storm. My younger clients who are ex-military make it sound like it's a giant swingers club these days.


In the days when girls were married off at 12-14, it was not acceptable for women to have sex outside of marriage. The social pressure was so strong that few women of any age dared to cheat. In many societies the punishment for adultery was death. The more lenient ones she cast out and into poverty and shame.

Today our younger generation has grown up being very sexually active with social pressure to have sex , instead of social pressure to not have sex before marriage.

Makes sense to me that people brought up to believe that sex is a pretty casual activity would engage in casual sex while their spouse is away for a year or so.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

The ironic thing about it, he told me last night that he lied to me while overseas about the women there. He said adultery ran rampant. He said one of his close married friends cheated the whole deployment but wouldn't tell me who... although I only know of one married couple that we hang out with a lot. But he said the women there were very promiscuous and just like what was stated earlier, the guys felt entitled to cheat. But of course he told me that only one male/female were cheating and he didn't even know them. He didn't want me worrying about him.


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## Kallan Pavithran

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> T*He didn't want me worrying about him*.


REALLY?


:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

What will you do when you will get caught up in the next moment when he is deployed next time? Find another OM or go back to your present one?


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## Sara8

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> My husband and I were high school sweethearts and have been together since i was 16 and he was 18. He joined the army after 4 months of dating and we were married about 2 years later when i was barely 19. We've been together a little over 5 years now.
> 
> Anyways, my husband deployed for the second time, and long story short, after being pursued over and over again, I cheated. I cheated emotionally and physically for 10 out of the 12 months he was gone. He came home June 1st and on June 17 I admitted to what I had done, after he came into my workplace and asked me (I was planning on seeing a therapist the next day to discuss it with him but yeah, happened before I could.) and I said yes. Two and a half hours later (longest 2.5 hours of my life) I got off work and went home and he asked where I was staying cause I wasn't staying there. Well I had been hoping I could stay in the guest bedroom, but since he wanted me gone I left within the hour with a few of my belongings. I ended up staying with the other man because my only other option was my mom and she lives over an hour away and i work and go to school here.
> 
> Anyways, within the next couple days, we divided up our bank accounts and took my name off everything. He said he wanted our divorce to be amicable. We both agreed not to divorce for another year because he'd lose over $1000 a month from the army and couldn't afford the house, and I need the medical benefits. Once a day I'd go to the house and he'd chew me out basically and say how much I hurt him, things I expected. But he also said I left him for another man even though he told me to get out so I did. Now that my stupid fog has been lifted, my feelings for my wonderfully perfect husband have come back and I want to be back home (I always wanted to be there, but I really know now that he is who I want forever.) Well, last night while I was at the OM apartment, his neighbor kicked my dog, and my dog means more to me than basically anything and I grabbed him and my keys and I got in the car to get away while crying hysterically because that just topped off all my stress. I ended up going to my husbands house and he comforted me and we eventually started talking after he chewed me out about what i did for like 45 minutes. I spent 7 hours with him last night and he just held me and kissed me and cried a little and did all the things he used to do. He said he just wanted to pretend like none of this happened and get back to the normal us. He tried to have sex but I declined to spare him any pain after i left. This morning I had to go back over there to get the other dog for the weekend because hes going out of town to clear his head till Monday, and we ended up cuddling again and did eventually have sex. A few hours later while he drove to his destination he called me and we talked for 1.5 hours. He told me his parents hate me for cheating on him and some other stuff (it's funny cause my dad went to a bar on two separate occasions and witnessed his dad cheating on his mom... hypocrite much... I want to bring that up but I have bigger things to worry about right now).
> 
> Anyways, the reason I'm writing my whole life story for you guys is because I need help. I messed up bad and I want to fix it more than anything in the world. He made a comment on Tuesday that he kinda understands how his coworkers took their cheating wives back, but that he hates me so much and is so disgusted with me, but yet he loves me so much and doesn't want to let me go and makes excuses to get me to come over. When we're not physically together, he's so angry and never talks about a possibility of us reconciling, but when we're together it seems like there is hope for us. I am still living with the OM cause it's my only option at this time. I have been hinting that I don't want to be in this relationship to him but feel I have to so I wont be homeless, but he hasn't mentioned letting me stay in the guest bedroom. But I can tell it hurts him that I am over here and not with my mom or something. I don't get it, what am I supposed to do? He loves when I come over and he is super affectionate with me, but it seems to fall on the backburner when we aren't together. How can I fix this? Is this fixable? I know I need to get out of this OM place and he's driving me crazy anyways but I have no where to go unless my husband says I can live in the other room, but he's made no hints about it and I am definitely not going to ask that since I messed up. Sorry for the long story, but this is my life and I need it back and I will do whatever it takes to get him back and spend the years it will take for him to trust me like he used to. Thank you.


It seems to be the norm that cheaters come out of the fog and miss what they have. Just talk to any psychiatrist who treats people who have cheated on a loyal faithful spouse. 

It's sad, but the fact is that your marriage will never be the same and your spouse will never ever trust you. 

Particularly because of the multiple cheating episodes. 

I don't feel safe with my STBEH anymore and though he does not want a divorce I have filed. 

I feel as if he will stab me in the back anytime some babe wiggles her butt and comes on too strong just like his OW did. I just feel as if I can never trust him again. 

I also don't want to be married to someone I need to check up on constantly or spy on in order to feel safe. I don't want a captive spouse.

I, too, have men come on to me strongly over the years. Some have been wealthier than my STBEH and treated me better in many respects. Still, I did not cheat. I was married and I let the men who were flirting know that immediately. 

Sadly I think this distrust and is the consequence of cheating and IMO, if more spouses divorced cheating spouses and they had to face that consequence, people who cheat less.

A study shows an alarming increase in cheating in the past decade, I think part of the problem is that cheating has almost become acceptable with marriage counselors advising forgiveness instead of divorce.


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## BigLiam

The above is true. Cheating has been glamorized and the destruction mimnimized by movies, TV etc.
IMO, if your hysband decideds he wants to try reconciling, you need to prepeare yourself for years of turmoil. This is not like the soap operas, where three episodes later all is okay. 
I am not sure what good counseling can do, This is not a mental health issue. Your values and fundamental sense of right and wrong are the problem.


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## anonymouskitty

BigLiam said:


> The above is true. Cheating has been glamorized and the destruction mimnimized by movies, TV etc.


:iagree:

There was a point when my fWW thought that the movie "Bridges of ******* County" was on top of the True Love that was not to be chart. She gets sick of watching movies on infidelity now, surprisingly they don't trigger anything in me :yay:


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## anonymouskitty

Hey does this censor ****** too?

OH YEAH


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## BigLiam

anonymouskitty said:


> :iagree:
> 
> There was a point when my fWW thought that the movie "Bridges of ******* County" was on top of the True Love that was not to be chart. She gets sick of watching movies on infidelity now, surprisingly they don't trigger anything in me :yay:


I really beleive that movies like Bridges etc do influence people and are a disservice to our culture. I felt sobad for the betrayed husband in that film. He was a decent guy, but his wife was swept away by that romantic stranger.
Problem with many similar movies and stories like this is that they end right as the new relationship strats off in many cases. We never get to see the new couple struggling with everyday problems and stresses.
So, we assume that their romance lasted forever in the same state it was in when conceived.


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## anonymouskitty

You know recently as in a few months ago i read this article where a 99 year old grandpa was divorcing his 96 year old wife due to unfaithfulness on her part which occurred 70 years ago, see what secrets can do, it motivates even the oldest of farts to divorce. Apparently the wife kept the ancient love letters of the OM, I guess to relive the fond memories.


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## Shaggy

Stephanie -

You really are a piece of self rationalizing work. I'm not trying to attack you here btw - I am challending you to start being honest with everyone including yourself.

If you can't do that here with strangers, how exactly do you think you are going to do that with your husband.

And if you aren't 110% honest with him now and every day left in your short marriage, then there is absolutely no hope for your marriage. None.

So start being honest.

You have friends it sounds like - yet the only place on earth you could go to after DDay was to move in the OM. Come one really? Time to come clean - you chose to the OM. Other options always exist. But you chose the easy path and ran to the OM.

The OM took you in, because he likes the sex you give him.

The OM cried when you said you're leaving - because he's going to miss the sex he's been getting.

Don't insult your husband's intelligence by creating the lie that you've been living with the OM with now sex. 

Instead you have this one chance to come fully clean: Write down a timeline of your affairs. Write out what you did, and where, and with whom. Include everything, because while it will hurt your husband and marriage - the continued lying WILL hurt it far more.

So stop lying to everyone.

You're still lying about where you can live right now. There are always options - from couch surfing, to putting your dogs in a kennel for the weekend, to going camping. There are always options - but you keep choosing the easy path. then you come up with a bunch of excuses on why you are the victim without any choices.

You want to a good wife and worthy of your husband? Then grow up fast and learn to take responsibilty, to find solutions that may suck for your and your confort, but which help others. Right now, you keep choosing the easy thing for you.

So you tell hubby you want to be with him, yet you're still shacked up in OM's house and bed, until it's convenient for you to dump the OM and move back to hubs.

IF you actually wanted your husband to view you making an effort beyond the cheap talk you've given him - you would find a way to actually take action and do something. Instead you've given the OM a last weekend to chase you, tell you how much he wants you etc. And you've got the nice soft bed in his house to sleep in.

If you want your marriage back - you are going to have to stop choosing the easy for you path - and do some actual hard things which will make you uncomfortable. 

You need to also give your husband a reason to give you a second chance. And you have yet to figure it out. It isn't sex. He can get sex from others. My suggestion is to grow up big time and show him that you are able and willing to do the hard work needed to be a wife in a marriage. So far you have totally failed at that, even right this minute you continue to humiliate your husband by living in the OMs house and sleep in his bed and offer up excuses as to why you are a victim with no other choice.

Also, own what you chose to do. Wipe from your head and words phrases like "Mistake" etc. That is how cheaters talk about things. You need to stop being a cheater and start being an adult who owns her choices - so replace it with "My affair", "when I was a cheater" etc. Yes, it's harsh. It's harsh on you especially because it calls out what you chose to do. It's part of you doing the hard work of R - it's you accepting responsibility for who you were and chose to do, and then you choosing to work on being a real wife.

I will be honest. I don't see you doing the hard work. You're choices all reflect you taking the easy way, and when it gets hard you find a new easy way. Nothing in your story indicates you have it in you to do the hard work in the long haul. What I think you're good at is begging, hooking up with hubby and giving him some sex, and then wanting to rug sweep the affair into the past history.

If you do get back in the house with hubs, and you find yourself in a couple of weeks, or even months being angry at hubs for continuing to throw your cheating in your face, or to not be jumping right back in with you and trust you - that will be the true test of your willingness to R and own what you did.

Because he will be going through an emotional roller coaster for years. One day he will be fine, and the next he will look at you and see the woman who cheated on him and moved in with the OM.

Oh, and as for those friends who ALL cheat. Time for entirely new friends. You need to set the moral bar your friends needs to reach before becoming friends - much higher. All military spouses do not cheat. Many do, but many many do not. The problem is you seem to have chosen to befriend and associate with the kind that do cheat. 

Married women do not go out partying and hanging with other men. they don't let single guys chat them up. they don't exchange texts with other men. They focus on their husband, and they have women friends.


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## Phenix70

BigLiam said:


> The above is true. Cheating has been glamorized and the destruction mimnimized by movies, TV etc.
> IMO, if your hysband decideds he wants to try reconciling, you need to prepeare yourself for years of turmoil. This is not like the soap operas, where three episodes later all is okay.
> I am not sure what good counseling can do, This is not a mental health issue.* Your values and fundamental sense of right and wrong are the problem*.


That's the feeling I get too, I also get a sense of "can't see the forest for the trees" situation.
Her husband is gone, she isn't getting the attention she craves RIGHTATTHEMOMENT, so instead she seeks gratification elsewhere.
She said herself her husband is a good man, but yet she cheated. 
She knows her husband has no control over not being there with her & instead of focusing on getting through the deployment & patiently waiting for him, she has an affair to fill a void.
Being married in the military takes sacrifice that I think a lot of people are unprepared for.
Whether it's a morals issue or an ego/id situation, if the OP doesn't figure out what is driving her to cheat, she will most likely do it again.


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## BigLiam

One of this young woman's problems, in addition to her abyssmally poor morals, is that she has a really distorted view of life. Her priorities are so messed up.
It seems to me that if she really wanted to reconcile, there would be no question that the OM would be completely excised from her life, immediately. 
If she has no $$ to rent an apartment, she should get a job. School can come later.
See, she claims to want to reconcile, but has taken none of the primary steps to do so. She lives with OM. She continues with her schooling vs getting a job so she can find a place to stay.
It is as if she is saying she wants to reconcile with almost no effort.
Her dogs, her schooling, her wanting a nice place to stay all take precedence over reconciling.
This sends a pretty clear message to her husband re his being much of a priority.
Can anyone really imagine having the temerity to allege a desire to reconcile while sharing a house with one's affair partner. Sometimes, people still amaze me, even after all the weird things I have seen cheaters do and say.


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## TBT

Stephanie.Jackson;848331 (and to the person who asked if I let him stay in our home said:


> Actually,I meant if a lot of your carrying on with OM happened in your marital home how will your H now view the home.He may forever carry images of you and OM together in a place where he had hoped to raise a family with you.If you spent a lot of time with OM there,then there is a good chance H may no longer be able to live there anymore.That's why I said I hoped your actions hadn't taken this from him as well.


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## Shaggy

BigLiam said:


> One of this young woman's problems, in addition to her abyssmally poor morals, is that she has a really distorted view of life. Her priorities are so messed up.
> It seems to me that if she really wanted to reconcile, there would be no question that the OM would be completely excised from her life, immediately.
> If she has no $$ to rent an apartment, she should get a job. School can come later.
> See, she claims to want to reconcile, but has taken none of the primary steps to do so. She lives with OM. She continues with her schooling vs getting a job so she can find a place to stay.
> It is as if she is saying she wants to reconcile with almost no effort.
> Her dogs, her schooling, her wanting a nice place to stay all take precedence over reconciling.
> This sends a pretty clear message to her husband re his being much of a priority.
> Can anyone really imagine having the temerity to allege a desire to reconcile while sharing a house with one's affair partner. Sometimes, people still amaze me, even after all the weird things I have seen cheaters do and say.


Yeah, I think she's lived the life of a princess too long. No sense at all of her having either personal responsibility or willingness to work for anything. She's hoping she can beg and have a little drama and then rugsweep it away.


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## BigLiam

Shaggy said:


> Yeah, I think she's lived the life of a princess too long. No sense at all of her having either personal responsibility or willingness to work for anything. She's hoping she can beg and have a little drama and then rugsweep it away.


Entitled people make really poor spouses.
I loved how she characterized her long term affair as some type of momentary weakness. Self delusion is a wonderful thing.


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## EleGirl

BigLiam said:


> The above is true. Cheating has been glamorized and the destruction mimnimized by movies, TV etc.
> IMO, if your hysband decideds he wants to try reconciling, you need to prepeare yourself for years of turmoil. This is not like the soap operas, where three episodes later all is okay.
> I am not sure what good counseling can do, This is not a mental health issue. Your values and fundamental sense of right and wrong are the problem.


There are types of counseling that do not concentrait on mental illness. Instead it concentraits on helping people realize their bad choices and learn better behaviors and thought processes.


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## happyman64

Steph,

You are very young and I hope you are beginning to realize what a big mistake you have made.

If you really love your husband and want to save your marriage you have been given great advice on how to do it.

You and your husband need professional counselling.

He is going to be angry and emotional for a while.

If he lets you move back in you have to accept all his emotions. Good or bad.

He obviously loves you very much or he would have written you off already. You both have a lot to learn about love, marriage and relationships. The key is to learn together not with somone outside your marriage.

And for God's sake do not hang out with those other army wives if they are engaged in infidelity. Their company cannot help you.

Good Luck, stay strong and get your butt back in the house. You cannot rug sweep what you did and he cannot rug sweep what you did to him.......

Deal with it together and you are both in my prayers.

HM64


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## Phenix70

BigLiam said:


> One of this young woman's problems, in addition to her abyssmally poor morals, is that she has a really distorted view of life. Her priorities are so messed up.
> *It seems to me that if she really wanted to reconcile, there would be no question that the OM would be completely excised from her life, immediately. *
> If she has no $$ to rent an apartment, she should get a job. School can come later.
> See, she claims to want to reconcile, but has taken none of the primary steps to do so. She lives with OM. She continues with her schooling vs getting a job so she can find a place to stay.
> It is as if she is saying she wants to reconcile with almost no effort.
> Her dogs, her schooling, her wanting a nice place to stay all take precedence over reconciling.
> This sends a pretty clear message to her husband re his being much of a priority.
> *Can anyone really imagine having the temerity to allege a desire to reconcile while sharing a house with one's affair partner.* Sometimes, people still amaze me, even after all the weird things I have seen cheaters do and say.


Agree 100%.
To OP, why don't you ask your husband for the code to the house?
If that's all you need to get in, the living arrangement issue is solved & you can move out of OM's house.
The longer you're still involved in ANY way with OM, you will never have a true R.


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## DawnD

OP -- I do think you should sit down and think about the future for a minute. Are you going to be able to handle the mistrust he will have when he goes on another deployment? It isn't easy, and he is really going to take issue with a lot of things you do.

There wouldn't be anymore girls nights out, no more getting a drink at the bar, hanging out with classmates. You would more than likely have to abide by his wishes to keep the relationship. I don't honestly know if you can handle that. You seem to be trying to minimize what has already happened and that won't get you anywhere. What is your plan when he has a whole new set of boundaries in what he will see as acceptable things for you to do while he is gone?


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## Acabado

At the end, Stephanie it all boils down to decision. Life is not with whom you are with but who you are! You decide you are worth more, infidelity is not to be put in to the "sh!t that happens" pile and move on. It's a very serious thing which will define as a person you forever, the kind of people you associate and who wants to associate with you are linked to this, the lessons you will teach your future children... it's a commitment to live honorabily which always pay back. And you can decide who you are from now on.


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## Acabado

The Wayward basics are simple. 
*NC – No Contact *- That means exactly what it says. None. Nada. None at all, no chats, no calls, no texting, nothing. It must become zero contact until or unless it is explicitly approved by your BS. 

*Total Honesty* - This might be the most difficult part to master in the first days following D-day. After all, in the process of having our affairs, we all mastered the skill of lying to our spouses and to ourselves. Now is the time to learn how to be honest again. No trickle truthing. No telling “little white lies” to protect yourself or your BS from the hurt that you think she will feel if you tell her the truth. You might as well hear it now. The truth will come out no matter how hard you try to hide it. It will hurt less in the long run if it comes out now instead of in dribs and drabs. As most of the WS will be able to tell you from firsthand experience, each TT event resets the marriage clock back to zero again! You do not want to be Bill Murray in the Groundhog Day movie. 
*Perseverance* – It will cost your tears but have courage. You will feel like a yo-yo some days and on other days, the journey will be like a roller coaster. And you must remember that if it feels like **** to you, it’s 100 times worse for your BS. Here is a quote that will help you keep that in perspective. 
*Communication* - Don’t argue or defend yourself. Just be honest and open. Talk and talk some more with your BS to rebuild your marriage. They need to see not just “I’m sorry I got caught or I'm afraid of the consequences” but she needs to see full and total remorse. The kind of remorse that will come from within when you feel their pain and understand, really understand how you betrayed him and you cry for him, not yourself. Don’t blame shift, don’t become defensive. Talk and be honest with them and yourself. 
*Accept the Blame & Responsibility* – The affair was/is your choice. No blame shifting or excuses. Owe up to it. The hard part is to accept that “how to handle the fallout from your affair” will be your BS’s decision. It may not be the one that you wish he made. Respect his choice, no matter if it hurts. After all, he deserves a shot at making a unilateral decision after the affair because you made a unilateral decision to start the affair. You have the greatest responsibility to repair your mistake. Don’t make him the victim in this. 

*Discover the WHY of the affair *– This might be the hardest part of the whole process. You had the affair for a reason. Find out why and either fix it or leave the marriage. You can’t expect your BS to stay with damaged goods forever. Get IC and self help books, whatever. You can do it. This is great starting place for information and advice and support. You need to become somone safe to be with even it menas protection from yourself and your weakness.
*No Destructive Behaviours* – no drinking, no drugs, no anger rants, no violence, no threats. Period. Chose wisely your friendships, more, find out what real friends mean. Get rid of toxic influences.
Stand Firm in your Commitment – Each and every day, you must face the monster in the mirror and recommit yourself to your future, to this journey, to your spouse, family and marriage. It’s something that can bring the hero out in us if we really want this.


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## sandc

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> Anyways, I feel my best shot is for me to get into our home and show him how much I want to correct my mistake.


Honey we want to help you but what you did wasn't a mistake. You don't make a multi-month mistake. Get this through your head first and foremost. You were telling OM that you don't give a sh!t about your husband. You were showing him you don't give a sh!t about your husband. Read and re-read Shaggy's advice to you. It's dead on. Get the fnck out of the OM's apartment now. Never speak to him again. Take your dogs to a KOA Kampground if you have to and stay in one of their cabins. There ARE other places to go. Get... out. Finding a place to stay is the easy part. Wait until your husband starts triggering, wait until you see him having to deal with the mind movies. You think life is hard now? Just wait. 

I know it sounds harsh, I mean it to. I am really pulling for you two to get back together but I don't want you going into this thinking that you begging and pleading and saying you're sorry is going to fix things. You are in for a LONG, TOUGH road. Don't underestimate this. Building a house will be child's play by comparison.


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## BigLiam

EleGirl said:


> There are types of counseling that do not concentrait on mental illness. Instead it concentraits on helping people realize their bad choices and learn better behaviors and thought processes.


They charge $$ for this?


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## Shaggy

Why do I worry that if you do get back into the home, you'll soon suggest getting pregnant as a way to rebuild the bond and the marriage?

Please please don't do that for a few years. If you think this is hard, imagine being a single mom.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

Well first off, I haven't read the last 5 or so responses just because I felt there was a common theme about some misconceptions that I wanted to clear up. Secondly, I am sorry for all the bitter people who respond and feel that they know all, but I can do nothing but feel bad for you guys.

I wanted to clarify that the women I was with a few days ago, I only knew one of them. I called my old coworker up to get out of the OM's house and she said she was about to go to a little get together and said I was welcome to come. This is when I also found out about her affair as well as all 5 of the other womens' affairs. I do NOT go clubbing, or go to bars, or find random men to chat with. Before this occurred, my husband and I were inseparable and if I was invited somewhere I made sure he came with. If he were invited somewhere and I wasn't in the mood to go, I'd tell him to go alone but he was never go because I am his best friend and it wouldn't be fun without me (according to him). I actually recently went to my first club a couple months ago after my old boss kept nagging me to go and I was completely disgusted and uncomfortable and left on my own.
I also DO have a job, I work part time. Quitting school is not an option. I already would have been graduated but due to all the moving around with the army I never could finish a program I started and now I've finally been able to do so. And with 11 months left in the program only, it would be stupid to do so. Especially since they already got the roster for the next school year picked and I'd have to wait until Summer 2014 to join that program where I left off. I was supposed to get paid yesterday but my paycheck never came for some reason since i discontinued my direct deposit. They said come in tomorrow and it should be there? I don't know. I need money though. 

I have considered it and yes I am taking the easy way out by being here. I do have friends, but since I isolated myself with my husband, I don't have any really really good friends. I have one in Ft worth who would love for me to stay there, but thats almost 3 hours away. Last night I was really considering just driving to Ft worth and meeting with my husband since that's where he is and just staying with my dad up there. I don't know my boundaries with my husband. He said when he gets home we can discuss my living arrangements but hasn't given me any hints about if he wants me there or not. I am going to be forceful and put myself there though. I need to be more assertive in this. Idk, maybe make awesome dinners for him every day, keep the house spotless like I used to, mow the backyard that he's growing out. We have video cameras in our house and he can make sure I am there the whole time. He can monitor when each door/window opens and everything. If he has to go to field training for a few weeks then I will leave a bedside table light on and he can watch me in bed sleeping every night.

I truly believe I cheated because I was extremely lonely between nursing school and working. The last deployment I was living with my parents and although I worked and went to school full time then as well, I had someone to talk to besides my dogs. And ya know what, yeah he may deploy again and yeah, I might (will) get lonely again but I know what it feels like to almost lose my spouse and get slapped in the face with reality and I will FIND someone to talk to if I must. I know that I didn't make just a "mistake" but when I discuss what I did with my husband, I use euphemisms because I feel that keeps the conversation at a lower intensity and we can focus on what's bothering him, rather than just starting more anger and getting off topic.

Oh, last night I told him that I don't care if he feels the need to bring up my affair every single day, for years, I deserve it and he's worth it and I am just going to sit and take it. And for those of you who feel me going to counseling, and hopefully him coming with eventually, wouldn't help... I don't know what to say about that.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

WHOA okay just read some of the other responses!
Yes, the military offers free counseling. This is going to be taken care of through them, thankfully. Very grateful for that.
NOOOOO pregnancy. I've been taking my BC pills religiously for 5 years and I would never even contemplate making a baby before I graduate. And now not until my husband trusts me and we are in a happy place together again. I am 22, I have no urge to reproduce. My husband is 23 and if you say the word "baby" his eyes get all big and he might as well break out into a sweat. Neither of us are ready for that, not even before this.

I have an honest to God question. Will me moving back into the house (in the guest bedroom) have the chance to make him more angry with me? Meaning, lessen the chance for him to want to reconcile our marriage? I will still do it, but I am really trying to make him as comfortable and happy as I can since I've messed up completely. I've never done this before and I want to make sure I do this as right as I can from now on... no steps backwards if possible. The no contact thing will be easy.


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## DawnD

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> I truly believe I cheated because I was extremely lonely between nursing school and working. The last deployment I was living with my parents and although I worked and went to school full time then as well, I had someone to talk to besides my dogs. And ya know what, yeah he may deploy again and yeah, I might (will) get lonely again but I know what it feels like to almost lose my spouse and get slapped in the face with reality and I will FIND someone to talk to if I must. I know that I didn't make just a "mistake" but when I discuss what I did with my husband, I use euphemisms because I feel that keeps the conversation at a lower intensity and we can focus on what's bothering him, rather than just starting more anger and getting off topic.



Judging by where you say you are, we are probably in the same place. My H just returned from deployment as well. I can understand being lonely. I am skeptical that you were SO lonely two months after he left that you fell into an affair. I am asking you, do you think you are going to be able to make it as a military spouse? A faithful one? You know as well as I do that he will be gone for long amounts of time again. What makes you think you can handle it?

Are you going to be able to accept that he may not want you hanging out with certain people, or if he gets a bad vibe from anyone you are around he will expect you to drop them as a friend?


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## Stephanie.Jackson

I am at Ft Hood, he is with 1st Cav.
I would drop whatever he wanted in a heartbeat. I've done it before. Between him and I, HE actually has the problem with dropping someone for his spouse. I don't feel like diving into that incidence with him, but long story short, innappropriate text messages from another woman at 3am for 2 weeks while he was away, and I asked him to NC, and he couldn't do it apparently until he was back home. I always thought he cheated until Wednesday night, he finally convinced me that he really didn't. It was something I held onto for 2 years but I had for the most part gotten over it. I've had no trust issues since then as long as that one in particular woman never talked to him again.


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## DawnD

So we are neighbors LOL. I think it is possible for you to reconcile, but not without you taking complete responsibility ( and referring to it as a mistake instead of a choice is only allowing his anger to build and him to second guess your taking responsibility) and realizing that the damage from the affair will have to be handled before any of the damage that was inflicted before it. 

I do think that you moving in could honestly go either way, and it might be best to have a back up plan, such as a hotel to stay at in the event he can not handle you being there. I will tell you this, if you move back in with the OM, you may as well file, because he won't be able to come back from that.


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## GetTough

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> I want to find a place to live but I can't. It's seriously my old house, or this OM. I only work 11 hours a week, making about 500 a month while also in nursing school. I would barely be able to afford the gas of driving around everywhere and things that I need. I haven't told y husband "I want to work it out" but only because 1.) I think it's obvious by my actions, and 2.) I feel if I did he might say "oh well" and i am not ready to hear that yet.
> 
> As for the give him any answers thing, I've read this forum before and actually when I got off work I said do you have any questions, and he would try to ask questions but then quickly say nevermind, i don't want to know. To EVERYTHING. I feel lost.


Tell him you want to go home. See what he says.


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## LookingForTheSun

Let me just say this - I was a military wife for 14 years. I always had my own career and I never got involved with military family drama. It takes a very special, strong, and independent woman to make it as a military spouse. You knew what you were in for when you married him...you being lonely is a lame excuse - my husband used that one on me the first time HE - the soldier - cheated. I know you won't like me after this post, but dam*...just sad. You are young and were not ready to settle down. My husband and I were perfect too - everyone wanted to be like us - but he could not handle it when his ego was stroked and was not strong enough to say no. Seperation is no excuse - you get lonely, go to the gym, go out with friends or get a dog. Decide now if you are woman enough now, because military life is not easy if you don't have your own, and if not, let him go.


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## DawnD

LookingForTheSun said:


> Let me just say this - I was a military wife for 14 years. I always had my own career and I never got involved with military family drama. It takes a very special, strong, and independent woman to make it as a military spouse.


:iagree: I have been one for almost 10 years and I have never cheated. Multiple deployments, schools, FTX's, etc, etc, etc


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## Stephanie.Jackson

I was very busy.. nursing school 32 hours a week and homework on top of that, working 11 hours a week, working out, yardwork 5 hours a week, training my dogs... it seemed to be just night time. I wish I could just pass out after my day was over but I couldn't. I had a weak moment which turned into a long, drawn out affair.
I have told him I am moving in and he said we will talk about it when he gets home. In my heart I feel like he wants me there. He's only mentioned being disgusted by me once, most of the time it's just he hates me while loving me incredibly at the same time. When I am there, he wants my affection and me there to talk with him. Before we started getting all cuddly, he said "Even though we aren't together anymore, we are such great friends. I could totally see me inviting you over for BBQ's and to hang out and such.. maybe go out for drinks." So i feel welcome there... i Just want to take this at a speed that is comfortable to him. 

ALSO, my dad just took him out for lunch and my husband just texted me saying he's finally decided what he wants to do with his life and he will be getting out of the army in oct 2013 and he will be working with my dad at the railroad. Which may help him understand that there won't be any more deployments and we can work on this trust building.


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## Shaggy

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> I have an honest to God question. Will me moving back into the house (in the guest bedroom) have the chance to make him more angry with me? Meaning, lessen the chance for him to want to reconcile our marriage? I will still do it, but I am really trying to make him as comfortable and happy as I can since I've messed up completely. I've never done this before and I want to make sure I do this as right as I can from now on... no steps backwards if possible. The no contact thing will be easy.


Oh jeez! Seriously? It's got to be better then you living with the freaking OM!!!! Get out of that house tonight even if you have to seleep 

Actually the OM will be sending you texts and messages wanting you back in his bed. You realize this right?

This isn't a game like you are treating it. It's real life, it's people's feelings, and it's long term. The pain you inflict on your husband's soul at this point will stay there. when you are a kid it rolls off of you, but this isn't a oops by bad moment. You've been having sex with another man. You've left your husband and moved into the other man's bed.

Cleaning the freaking house isn't going to fix this.


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## WorkingOnMe

Unbelievable that she's still sleeping in the OM's bed. This must be a troll.


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## crossbar

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> I have an honest to God question. Will me moving back into the house (in the guest bedroom) have the chance to make him more angry with me? Meaning, lessen the chance for him to want to reconcile our marriage? I will still do it, but I am really trying to make him as comfortable and happy as I can since I've messed up completely. I've never done this before and I want to make sure I do this as right as I can from now on... no steps backwards if possible. The no contact thing will be easy.


 He's going on a ride. It's called the roller coaster of emotions. One minute he's laughing, then the next he's crying. One minute he's calm,then the next; he's angry at hell. One minute, he'll say that he can't picture his life without you, then the next he'll threaten divorce. One minute he says he loves you and the next he's calling you a cheating sl*t. This is normal behavior for someone that has been cut to the core. But, the big question is. Are you capable of riding this ride with him? I mean, it's not going to be a fun ride AT ALL. And no one knows when it will end. Different strokes for different folks.

The marriage you once had is gone. You will never get back to the place the two of you were at before the affair. That marriage died by your hands. Will he ever trust you again? Probably not. He may regain SOME trust in you. But, he will never FULLY, 100% trust you as his wife. And lets face it. He's in the Army. When the Army deploys, it's usually for a year and some change. What happens for the next deployment? How will he ever feel that his wife and home is going to be there when he gets back? How would he know that your not running around and hooking up with someone else again because you're "lonely"?

I think you really need to take advantage of individual counseling to figure out why you did what you did. And to figure out ways to fix this.


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## Acabado

You are thinking all backward. FIRST end the affair; it means NC, lifelong, puting an ''official end'' with a formal NC letter. OM needs to be completaly erased of your life forever.
End it, leave OM yesterday. You need to do it for yourself. He's not good news, he won't be ever, he's a conspirator in your fall, he persued you until you dropped dead. Detox.

One OM is out the picture then think about how to start the reconciliation process, or not. There's no garantees in life.


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## Acabado

This little book has only 100 pages.
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful
There's also e-book version aviable at the autor's page: Here


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## Shaggy

Acabado said:


> This little book has only 100 pages.
> How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful
> There's also e-book version aviable at the autor's page: Here


Haven't read it - but I'm assuming step 0: Stop living and sleeping in the OM's bed.


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## TBT

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> most of the time it's just he hates me while loving me incredibly at the same time.


This is what he has to try to reconcile in order for you both to have a chance.When you continue to be in contact with OM all you do is reinforce the negative aspect of your husband's struggle and further damage your chance of R.You're just making it harder and harder for your H to believe in remorse on your part.You don't really have much credibility with your H right now,if any,but you continue to destroy whatever is left by being with the OM and I can only assume sharing his bed.I just don't get why someone would continue to be destructive to something they claim is so important to save.Just my opinion,and I hope you both can find your way.


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## morituri

Stephanie, you constantly use the word mistake but please read this.

*Mistake*: An act committed without any knowledge of a possible negative outcome.

*Bad Choice*: An act committed with awareness of the possible negative outcome but deciding to ignore it or hoping for the best.

If your affair had been a drunken ONS (one night stand) it could arguably fall under a 'mistake' but a 10 month affair with multiple emotional/sexual encounters is not a mistake but a series of extremely bad choices.

Lastly please start a journal and write EVERYTHING that is related to your affair for your husband to read. The journal should have information such as how the affair started, the conversations between you and the OM, how you felt for the OM, the when and where of the encounters with the OM. The reason is that there is a natural tendency by cheating spouses to reveal as little as possible in the misguided notion that they are protecting their betrayed spouses when it only causes the betrayed spouse to lose any hope and desire for R (reconciliation). Every little bit on information that the BS (betrayed spouse) stumbles upon and comes out trickling through, becomes a new D-day (the day of discovery and trauma). It will be very gut wrenching for the two of you to read it but If you expose THE WHOLE TRUTH in the journal, you will be avoiding sabotaging your efforts to R with your BH (betrayed husband). Good luck.


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## anonymouskitty

morituri said:


> Stephanie, you constantly use the word mistake but please read this.
> 
> *Mistake*: An act committed without any knowledge of a possible negative outcome.
> 
> *Bad Choice*: An act committed with awareness of the possible negative outcome but deciding to ignore it or hoping for the best.
> 
> If your affair had been a drunken ONS (one night stand) it could arguably fall under a 'mistake' but a 10 month affair with multiple emotional/sexual encounters is not a mistake but a series of extremely bad choices.


unquote


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## warlock07

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> I am at Ft Hood, he is with 1st Cav.
> I would drop whatever he wanted in a heartbeat. I've done it before. Between him and I, HE actually has the problem with dropping someone for his spouse. I don't feel like diving into that incidence with him, but long story short, innappropriate text messages from another woman at 3am for 2 weeks while he was away, and I asked him to NC, and he couldn't do it apparently until he was back home. I always thought he cheated until Wednesday night, he finally convinced me that he really didn't. It was something I held onto for 2 years but I had for the most part gotten over it. I've had no trust issues since then as long as that one in particular woman never talked to him again.


This is laughable at best. Talking about inappropriateness after a 10 month affair. Don't try the "I did this because you this game". They are separate issues that are t be dealt separately


Few more questions:

How did the affair last for 10 months? What was going through your mind? What was your end game? That you would divorce once he gets back or is this something fun you thought you could have by the side?

And what is your relationship with your father now? Does he know of your affair?


What is your relationship with the OM? Did you guys have a falling out? You kept having sex with him after you moved in with him, right?




> Well *I had been hoping* I could stay in the guest bedroom, but since he wanted me gone I left *within the hour* with a few of my belongings. I ended up staying with the other man because* my only other option was my mom and she lives over an hour away and i work and go to school here.*


The effort you put into reconciling when you had OM as an option is laughable.


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## Kallan Pavithran

WorkingOnMe said:


> Unbelievable that she's still sleeping in the OM's bed. This must be a troll.



REALLY?
:scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead:

I dont think that its a troll, there are people who never understands the pain of others they caused due to their heinous act. In many cases we see here BS are too beta males who fell on head on heals with WS.
Simply watch Maury shows you can see plenty of these people. So dont think that it a troll.


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## happyman64

Steph,




Stephanie.Jackson said:


> I had a weak moment which turned into a long, drawn out affair.
> 
> *You have had almost a year of weak moments. Please realize this for you and your husbands sake. *
> 
> "Even though we aren't together anymore, we are such great friends. I could totally see me inviting you over for BBQ's and to hang out and such.. maybe go out for drinks." So i feel welcome there... i Just want to take this at a speed that is comfortable to him.
> 
> *Your husband now thinks of you as a friend. You do need to move back home but make it clear to him that you want him and desire him not just as a friend but as your husband. There is a difference and you need to make it clear to him that is your goal. To fully Reconcile with him. Not to cohabitate just as friends.........*
> 
> ALSO, my dad just took him out for lunch and my husband just texted me saying he's finally decided what he wants to do with his life and he will be getting out of the army in oct 2013 and he will be working with my dad at the railroad. Which may help him understand that there won't be any more deployments and we can work on this trust building.
> 
> *I think this is a great step for him. I do hope that his desire to work with your Dad indicates a future with you as well. Ask him. Tell him that is what you desire as well. You have to express your desire to get back in the marriage, he has to express to you his desire to let you back into his life!!!!!! It is his choice!!!!!*


Read all the posts. Take the good and the bad. Everyone wants you and your husband to be happy. But we want you to realize that you have to be happy with yourself and your life before you can every make someone else happy.

Good Luck and Be Strong.

HM64


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## Stephanie.Jackson

HappyMan64,

See that's what I was thinking when he made the whole "let's go BBQing" comment. He said it after he was chewing me out (I call any discussion where he angrily discusses what I did as that - he doesn't actually yell). I was crying and then he made that comment and so with that I figured he can't hate me too much so I sat about 1 foot away from him on the couch and he just pulled me onto him and held me.... which eventually led to kissing and caressing my face and all the affectionate things we used to do. Then he said he needs to lay down cause he had to get up for work in 2.5 hours and pulled me into the bedroom and we just held each other and talked. Then about 8 hours later i came back over and he wanted to snuggle up and hold me and all that stuff again. 

So now I am confused. He told my dad he was confused but that's all he mentioned on the topic. Yes, my dad knows about the affair. My dad said he could see it on his face that he wants to work it out and he is just hurting and going through the motions right now. 

He should be home tomorrow. I will be moving back in asap.


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## anonymouskitty

What are you looking for here Stephanie ? Sympathy for the *Mistakes* you made? Validation?


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## happyman64

Well Steph

Now the hard part begins.

He is confused. He needs to heal. And you now realize that you want him and the marriage.

Move back in and help him heal.

And both of you get professional counselling so you can define clear goals and work out your issues.

Move back in, make it clear what you want.

It is up to him if he will allow u to stay, reconcile with you.

If he is up for it then like i said the hard work starts then.

Good luck and keep us posted. You will take a bashing here but you will also get great advice if you are honest, remorseful and willing to listen.

Hm64
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> HappyMan64,
> 
> See that's what I was thinking when he made the whole "let's go BBQing" comment. He said it after he was chewing me out (I call any discussion where he angrily discusses what I did as that - he doesn't actually yell). I was crying and then he made that comment and so with that I figured he can't hate me too much so I sat about 1 foot away from him on the couch and he just pulled me onto him and held me.... which eventually led to kissing and caressing my face and all the affectionate things we used to do. Then he said he needs to lay down cause he had to get up for work in 2.5 hours and pulled me into the bedroom and we just held each other and talked. Then about 8 hours later i came back over and he wanted to snuggle up and hold me and all that stuff again.
> 
> So now I am confused. He told my dad he was confused but that's all he mentioned on the topic. Yes, my dad knows about the affair. My dad said he could see it on his face that he wants to work it out and he is just hurting and going through the motions right now.
> 
> He should be home tomorrow. I will be moving back in asap.


Probably, he missed the old you. The anger phase might soon hit. Brace yourself.


What does your dad think of your affair? How is your relation with him now? Also your mother..


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## morituri

Stephanie,

I highly recommend that you read the following before you see your husband again.



> *"How to Rebuild Your Spouse's Trust After an Affair"*
> 
> *#1 Stop lying or making excuses for your actions.* If the victim spouse presents evidence of the affair, own up to it. You need to understand that the worst thing that could happen has already occurred. You were dishonest and unfaithful. Therefore, continuing to lie, twist, or deny is simply adding insult to injury. If you are looking your spouse in the eye and claiming to want the marriage to work then you cannot continue to lie about various odds and ends. You have been lying to your spouse for the entire duration of the affair; therefore, if you continue to lie now, it sets the reconciliation process way back. ''The victim spouse likely knows the answers to the questions they are asking, or can usually find out, so if you are interested in rebuilding trust in the relationship, '''STOP LYING'''.'' If your spouse discovers later - either on purpose or by accident - that you have lied about or left out salient details, they will likely never trust you again. Your only hope of regaining their trust is to give them the truth wholesale, and thus demonstrate your commitment to being honest with them, even about things that might hurt them. You are kidding yourself if you think you are protecting your spouse by "omitting" certain truths. If you had wanted to protect your spouse, you never would have allowed them to get hurt in the first place.
> 
> *#2 Be around*. While emotional availability in the days, weeks, and even months following the discovery of your affair is of the '''utmost importance''', keep in mind that ''you can only be emotionally available when you're around.'' Understand that, left alone, your spouse's thoughts will begin to eat away at them - they will have questions you are not there to answer, torment themselves with images you cannot dispel, and invent suspicions your absence will only worsen. ''Paranoia is only natural during this time''; in fact, it can hardly be called paranoia, as '''they are right to mistrust you - you have betrayed them deeply'''. Being around to answer their questions and soothe their thoughts will keep them from building up and causing future explosions down the road. If it is possible, this may be a good time to take some time away from your normal "alone" activities to spend with your spouse. If you can't be with them physically, keep your phone on whenever possible to answer their calls, and allow them as much access to you as they need. Depending on your spouse's temperament, you may need to respect their desire for time alone, but you need to keep ''yourself'' available to ''them.''
> 
> *#3 DO NOT get defensive or assign blame.* This is not the time to employ the old adage of “the best defense is a good offense.” This is the time to be contrite/regretful, remorseful, empathetic, compassionate, honest, and emotionally available. Do not say anything which will give the impression that the victim spouse drove you to cheat, or in any way contributed to your behavior. There will be plenty of time to pass the blame around later on during counseling sessions, or during times of productive conversation with your mate. Additionally, DO NOT waste time blaming the affair on anyone or anything else. DO NOT point the finger toward temptation, being under the influence or falling prey to a stalker or that he/she was someone that you came in contact with at work or via a friend. '''You should have no room for excuses anymore.''' Telling your spouse you did not realize what was happening is not only bogus, it devalues the victim spouse. The victim spouse will see right through these excuses and will view this as another attempt to keep them in the dark while you continue playing them for a fool. The best way to effectively deal with your spouse's anger, and start the process of rebuilding trust, is to ''take complete and full ownership of your own selfishness, immaturity, or basic destructive marital behavior.'' '''Remind yourself that it is quite possible that the victim spouse was enduring similar feelings of unhappiness or frustration, but instead made a conscious decision not to betray you.''
> 
> *#4 Treat your spouse as if they are the very center of your world.* While you should do this anyway, it is of ''monumental importance'' that you focus on this IMMEDIATELY following the discovery of the affair. This is a critical time in the recovery of your relationship; '''dedicate yourself to it.''' Being cheated on will make your spouse feel rejected, unimportant, and decidedly less than "special." Regardless of your reasons or given situation, your spouse will be under the rightful impression that you have chosen someone over them, which is a difficult thing for them to face after years of thinking they were the most important person in your life.'This is especially true if you were involved in a long term relationship.'Giving your spouse your full attention during this time will help them to regain the feelings of importance in your life, and will go a long way towards convincing them that you are unlikely to choose somebody over them again.'' If you can, also show and tell to other people and the world even more how much you care or love your spouse in order to help the victim spouse overcome all the humiliation and hurt this burden may have caused.
> 
> *#5 CUT any and ALL possible ties with the other man/woman.* Keeping a person in your life with whom you have had an affair is like trying to put toothpaste back into the tube. Not only is this a confusing message to the other person, ''it is also EXTREMELY DISRESPECTFUL to your spouse.'' It does not matter if you have known this other man/woman since kindergarten, or have to see this person at work. It is time to break those ties. '''Do what you must to avoid any contact.''' Convincing yourself that you need to talk to them to 'break it off' only communicates that their feelings, not your spouse's, are what you are most concerned about. Once you have allowed another individual to permeate, invade or undermine your marital union, there is no place for this person in your life. ''You simply cannot expect your victim spouse to move past the affair as long as you continue communicating with, seeing, or having any type of relationship with this other man/woman.'' '''It is in fact an insult''' to the intelligence of your current spouse for you to say that you can maintain a professional, platonic, or otherwise innocent relationship with this ''destructive individual''. Furthermore, '''because this person had an affair with a married man/woman, most likely they have absolutely NO RESPECT for your marriage.''' Continuing to work with, hang out with, email or chat with this person is probably the single worst possible thing to do if you are wanting to repair your marriage.
> 
> *#6 Your life MUST be an open book.* ''You no longer have the '''luxury''' of coming and going as you please.'' Once you have ''abused'' that privilege, ''it takes a while and a whole lot of effort to get it back.'' Therefore, if you will be late coming home from work, or have had a change in plans, inform your spouse. Every time you leave the house your spouse is now wondering if you are going where you say you are going. The best way to ease their insecurities is to check in throughout the day. Invite your spouse places you usually go alone like to the game, the gym or the mall. Let your spouse know that you have nothing to hide. Additionally, do not hide your cell phone or set the ringer on silent. If your spouse requests, give them your email and voice mail pass codes. In fact, if you have nothing to hide then offer your spouse the codes without them having to ask. Don't lock your cell phone, call log or address book. Offer to let your spouse see your phone bills, and keep the credit card or bank statements in plain view on the kitchen table. ''Although your spouse may never choose to check these things, the simple fact that you made them available for his/her perusal will be a HUGE step in regaining their trust.'' Although you may feel as though some of these are a violation of your privacy, you need to know that these steps are absolutely NECESSARY if you are trying to rebuild trust. Saying that you are on the straight and narrow while continuing to hide your cell phone or spending is counterproductive to your stated goal of wanting to rebuild your marriage.
> 
> *#7 Be prepared to answer any and all questions about information that your spouse has a legitimate right to know.* Your spouse is going to want lots of details and ask questions about things you may not want to answer, but too bad. Your spouse is going to cross reference your prior stories and ask you to confirm if “this” or “that” was a lie. You simply need to fess up. ''The worse thing you can do is to conceal information because you don't want to hurt your spouse.'' Remember, they have already been '''hurt beyond belief''', so continuing to withhold additional information gives the appearance of an attempt to continue the ''deception''. Your spouse needs to get a general understanding of how intense the relationship was, and how long it lasted. Although this may be one of the most difficult steps in the process, it is one of the most important. It is extremely difficult for a betrayed spouse to know that there is another man/woman in the world who has more information about their marriage then themselves. That there are people that know about that relationship and may be talking about your marriage. Therefore, asking multiple questions helps the betrayed spouse get up to speed, thus obtaining necessary information to deal with feelings of being in the dark while their spouse was gallivanting or mooching around with their lover/relationship.
> 
> *#8 '''Do not ever''' attempt to dictate the length of time the victim spouses recovery should take.* You are the one who brought the outsider into the marriage, and therefore, '''you are in no position to dictate when the victim spouse should be “over it”.''' The truth of the matter is, the victim spouse will never fully be “over it”, but may simply learn how to mentally move past the affair. When a person is hurting, they typically share their pain with the closest person to them. As their spouse, you are the one they will vent to, even though it is you that caused the pain. Additionally, you may feel as though since you've confessed, apologized and vowed to remain faithful, things should now return to normal. That is simply NOT the case. '''One of the worst things that can happen is for the adulterous spouse to begin acting as though its “business as usual”.''' Deciding to remain in a relationship after your spouse has cheated is a '''Major decision''' and one which can be both '''very humiliating and enormously stressful.''' ''DO NOT downplay the GREAT MAGNITUDE of that decision by behaving as though nothing happened.'' '''For the next few years''', the adulterous spouse '''needs''' to periodically wrap their arms around their mate, kiss them, and THANK them for another chance. Additionally, 'acknowledge' how much you hurt your spouse, how difficult it must be for them to get over the pain, and '''vow to do whatever necessary to make things better…forever.''' Although it may seem as though such actions will revive the pain, that is simply not the case. ''Acknowledging the degree of pain you put your spouse through, and expressing appreciation for another chance'', gives the victim spouse the impression that you not only are mindful of their pain, but that as long as you are aware of their struggle to overcome the ordeal, you will be less likely to make such awful choices again in the future.
> 
> *#9 Choose your battles wisely.* Keep in mind that now is not necessarily the time to pick fights over certain topics, particularly those related to privacy and possessiveness. Your spouse is feeling betrayed and frightened; it is only natural for them in this state to project those fears onto situations that bear (in their mind) any resemblance to your affair. If a random stranger flirts with you, or buys you a drink at a bar, and your spouse becomes agitated, remember that your spouse has an '''understandable right''' to this possessiveness; you have shaken their feelings of security in the relationship, and it is openness and understanding that will gain this back, not combativeness and arguments. ''Rather than angrily asserting your rights, you will do much better to gain their trust by assuring them of their importance to you and soothing their bruised ego and wounded heart with compliments and understanding.''
> 
> *#10 '''Do not''' behave inappropriately or create future problems.* Don't put yourself in situations which will cause your victim spouse undue stress. Putting your friends before your spouse, joining singles website, spending time with friends of opposite sex, or available singles, and forming relationships with them, is certainly not wise. Even with work relationships keep the conversations to a minimum, remember that this is how relationships begin or cross messages are sent. ''It is extremely selfish and disrespectful to your spouse.'' Additionally, make your spouse aware when you anticipate coming into contact with the other man/woman. If you suspect the other man/woman might be at the holiday party, let your spouse know in advance. Also, if you run into, or have contact with, the other man/woman unexpectedly, let your spouse know as soon as possible. Nothing is worse than finding out about contact with the other man/woman that the victim spouse did not know about. It gives the impression of further secrecy and deception. Trust me, it won't hurt your spouse to know the other man/woman is contacting you as much as it will hurt them to discover you hid that information. ''Believe me, during this time of broken trust, full disclosure is always the best route.''
> 
> *#11 Use this '''opportunity''' to create a new relationship with your spouse.* Be open to opportunities to bring each other closer together. Remember that your spouse now views your relationship as broken, and they're right to think so. The key, then, is to forge a new relationship in as many ways as possible. '' Finding new places to spend time and share activities together will help this.'' Make sure that he or she and everyone around you (i.e.family, friends, children) can see that your spouse means the world to you and is NOW being put first in your life. '''Speak highly of your spouse in a genuine way, being careful to protect their reputation when you speak to others'''--talking badly about them behind their backs is ''not only a BIG MISTAKE but also BAD BEHAVIOR'' (it may also reflect badly on you as their spouse). You and your spouse (and your children) are one family that must always protect, support, and lift each other up all the time especially from strangers and NOT the other way around. This may even be an opportunity, in the fullness of time and once the recovery process is very well on its way, to renew your wedding vows. Help your partner to see that you have created something new, stronger, and therefore not threatened by the sins of your past or the likelihood of future infidelities.
> 
> Stephanie Anderson
> Editor-in-Chief
> Marriage Sherpa


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## Stephanie.Jackson

My father and mother are very supportive of me. I've been trying to reach my dad but he has been at work most of the time so we've only been able to text. But today we've been talking all day and he wants to help me. Thank God. He is driving the 3 hours it takes to get to the city I am in tomorrow morning and wait for my husband to return from his trip. Once my husband gets home, we are going to tell him I have two choices. I can stay with him in our home, but in the guest bedroom if he'd like, or my dad is going to get me an apartment and basically support me until I graduate and get a job. I have way too much pride to ask my parents for money, but he demanded that I let him support me because he never has to like most parents do with their children. If I get an apartment, I will continue to try and save my marriage for as long as he lets me. If he let's me stay in the house, my dad said I need to be stuck to my husband like glue... said if he goes for a run at 4am, i need to go running with him at 4am. Anything he does besides go to work, I need to be right with him to show him I am committed and want this to work. My dad has also demanded that he is taking my dogs for a few weeks (unless i have to get my own apartment, then perhaps longer) so we can focus on our marriage. 

My father-in-law has never been supportive of our marriage. Well, he has always been nice to me but I can tell he trusts nobody, including his own family. When my husband was possibly cheating on me (now I doubt it, but at the time I was 100% convinced) his dad made him change all the passwords so I couldn't have any money, all the while my paychecks were being directly deposited into our joint account. I can guarantee that his father is pushing ideas into his head about leaving me and not talking to me, as this whole time my husband has been at his father's house he has been basically ignoring me. I need my husband home asap so we can discuss OUR marriage without his dad trying to push him a certain way. I am really tempted to out my FIL for his cheating that my dad witnessed out in public.... trying to maintain that urge though.

Anyways, tomorrow will be a challenging day. Thankful for my dad though.


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## morituri

You are a very lucky young woman to have a kind, generous and supportive man like your father in your life.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

Yes I am. His exact words were "You indirectly asked your mom and I to love your husband through thick and thin the day you married him and so we have, and therefore if you don't correct what you did, we'd be losing a son and so I will do whatever it takes to help you make this right."

Love love love my parents


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## keko

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> My dad has also demanded that he is taking my dogs for a few weeks (unless i have to get my own apartment, then perhaps longer) so we can focus on our marriage.


Bad idea. Keep the dogs, you'll their support.


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## WorkingOnMe

It all sounds great. Except for the little detail you left out about where you're sleeping tonight. One for the road eh?


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## Stephanie.Jackson

I wanted the dogs, at least the one I've had since he was a pup, but he said if he can't take the dogs for a while, he's not doing this... made me repeat like 5 times that my marriage is more important than my dogs. The only issue I have is that since I wouldn't be leaving the house during the day when my husband is at work, I won't have the dogs to keep me preoccupied.


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## morituri

Use the time to come to TAM and learn.


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## Kallan Pavithran

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> My father and mother are very supportive of me. I've been trying to reach my dad but he has been at work most of the time so we've only been able to text. But today we've been talking all day and he wants to help me. Thank God. He is driving the 3 hours it takes to get to the city I am in tomorrow morning and wait for my husband to return from his trip. Once my husband gets home, we are going to tell him I have two choices. I can stay with him in our home, but in the guest bedroom if he'd like, or *my dad is going to get me an apartment and basically support me until I graduate and get a job.* I have way too much pride to ask my parents for money, but he demanded that I let him support me because he never has to like most parents do with their children. If I get an apartment, I will continue to try and save my marriage for as long as he lets me. If he let's me stay in the house, my dad said I need to be stuck to my husband like glue... said if he goes for a run at 4am, i need to go running with him at 4am. Anything he does besides go to work, I need to be right with him to show him I am committed and want this to work. *My dad has also demanded that he is taking my dogs for a few weeks (unless i have to get my own apartment,* then perhaps longer) so we can focus on our marriage.
> 
> My father-in-law has never been supportive of our marriage. Well, he has always been nice to me but I can tell he trusts nobody, including his own family. When my husband was possibly cheating on me (now I doubt it, but at the time I was 100% convinced) his dad made him change all the passwords so I couldn't have any money, all the while my paychecks were being directly deposited into our joint account. I can guarantee that his father is pushing ideas into his head about leaving me and not talking to me, as this whole time my husband has been at his father's house he has been basically ignoring me. I need my husband home asap so we can discuss OUR marriage without his dad trying to push him a certain way. I am really tempted to out my FIL for his cheating that my dad witnessed out in public.... trying to maintain that urge though.
> 
> Anyways, tomorrow will be a challenging day. Thankful for my dad though.




So you had options on your D day, but you choose the simple and fun way.


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## morituri

Kallan Pavithran said:


> So you had options on your D day, but you choose the simple and fun way.


Perhaps her subsequent comment sheds a little bit of light.



Stephanie.Jackson said:


> I have way too much pride to ask my parents for money


And we know that "pride cometh before a fall"


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## Stephanie.Jackson

Wow you guys are bitter! Nothing satisfies some of yall. I already said I haven't been able to really get into contact with my dad much until today. And I didn't think he would be able to afford a whole nother rent on top of his mortgage, especially since my parents recently asked to borrow $30,000 from me to cover the cost of taxes from the home they used to share together, but apparently his financial situation has changed.
And for the smart a** remarks, I'm sitting in my driveway waiting for the security system people to take me off hold so I can enter my home without the police showing up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07

Yes, it is our fault now


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## MattMatt

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> Wow you guys are bitter! Nothing satisfies some of yall. I already said I haven't been able to really get into contact with my dad much until today. And I didn't think he would be able to afford a whole nother rent on top of his mortgage, especially since my parents recently asked to borrow $30,000 from me to cover the cost of taxes from the home they used to share together, but apparently his financial situation has changed.
> And for the smart a** remarks, I'm sitting in my driveway waiting for the security system people to take me off hold so I can enter my home without the police showing up.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Some people are very bitter. Others, well, we can see the mistakes you make from the perspective of someone who also made those or similar mistakes.

Hopefully you have a second chance. Use it wisely. We are rooting for you!:smthumbup:

You need counselling to sort out your issues. Was he cheating? Why did he do what he did with the bank accounts, etc.

Full disclosure by both sides could be helpful.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

I am sorry, I was very frustrated when I wrote that. I was on hold for 30 minutes with my security system people, I had three dogs in my sedan, and I wasn't quite expecting to be running outta there tonight as I had just finished running 4 miles. I apologize again.

I am in my house right now and my dad will be on his way in a few hours as I want him to be here before my husband. Cause knowing me I might forget to say something.

I don't believe anymore that my husband cheated, I think he was just letting a woman text him at inappropriate times (3am) and didn't see why I was so bent out of shape about it. He was 16 hours away though so who knows. I've given up on that conquest and really don't care anymore seeing as I will never fully know.

My FIL is very manipulative and he is very greedy for money. My husband and I have saved our asses off, and after paying off 2 cars with cash, putting $20,000 down on the house, and multiple vacations, we still have $47,000 in our savings accounts. I asked for $15,000 on D-Day because at that moment in time, he was ... angry and I didn't believe he wanted to give us a shot. Well I never got said money because we both were procrastinating I think... I'm not sure. But his dad thinks I am out to get this money or something, as if my husband contributed to it on his own or something. Before nursing school, I was working overtime every week and my full paycheck went to savings. His father can be like a snake at times... I am not sure how to mend THAT relationship but that's the least of my worries.


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## YellowRoses

Just don't forget you're an adult Stephanie

Your dad's coming but he really has to take a back seat role in this - you have to be the one dealing. 

Does your husband know your dad will be there ? If not, be careful it doesn't look like a 'trap' Make sure dad is there to support both of you not just his 'little girl'


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## 827Aug

Several of you are forgetting a couple of the basic forum rules.

1. Treat others on the forum with dignity and respect.
Personal attacks, hate speech, racist or sexist statements or attacks, sexual harassment, explicit sexual comments, promoting violence, will not be tolerated.


8. Be supportive of others and their desire to have happier, healthier relationships.


If you can't respect the rules, it's best you skip this thread!


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## Shaggy

But also .. do feel free to call about BS, lies, manipulation, and self pity - when it's thrown out there.

The OP is a adult woman who has been making horrible choices and has asked for help. You don't help a person by over looking their lies, and self pity. You DO help a person by getting them to be honest and act with honor.

She's been living in the OM's house and sleeping in his bed - while she claims to have had no other choice. And on that people had rightfully called her out on it.

So stop calling us out for calling a lie a lie.


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## Shaggy

To the OP - you really need to stand up and be an adult here. That means honestly accepting the guilt and responsibility for choosing to cheat and choosing to run to the OM when kicked out.

I strongly suspect your plan is to try to rugsweep the cheating and to offer lots and lots of sex to your husband until he stops the divorce and lets you stay.

You don't plan on dealing with his broken heart (no, sex doesn't cure that) or his lack of trust in you. You don't plan on dealing with your choice to cheat - what I mean is you don't seem to have any remorse at all for being in another man's bed. You've simply decided you want to be in your husbands bed more. That's not the same a remorse, that's just moving your husband up from slot B to slot A.


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## Phenix70

Shaggy said:


> To the OP - you really need to stand up and be an adult here. That means honestly accepting the guilt and responsibility for choosing to cheat and choosing to run to the OM when kicked out.
> 
> I strongly suspect your plan is to try to rugsweep the cheating and to offer lots and lots of sex to your husband until he stops the divorce and lets you stay.
> 
> You don't plan on dealing with his broken heart (no, sex doesn't cure that) or his lack of trust in you. You don't plan on dealing with your choice to cheat - what I mean is you don't seem to have any remorse at all for being in another man's bed. You've simply decided you want to be in your husbands bed more. That's not the same a remorse, that's just moving your husband up from slot B to slot A.




I agree with Shaggy, I'm not seeing true remorse in your posts.
Your posts have been very "me" centric, all about what you're going to do, with very little mention of your husband & what he wants.
You're all over the place, slow down, let your husband set the pace of your R, after all he is the aggrieved party.

It's great your dad is so supportive, but in this situation, I don't think he should be there when your husband gets home.
If you want to show him that you're an adult, you can't have your dad there with you. 
It's not like your husband is an abuser that you need protection from.
Tell your dad that you will take care of meeting with your husband & if your husband wants to, the two of you will bring the dogs to him later.
The decision to send the dogs to your dad's shouldn't be your dad's, it should be a mutual agreement between you & your husband.


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## WorkingOnMe

I'm glad to hear you're back in your own place. I really am rooting for you even if the medicine tastes a little bitter sometimes.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

Some of you must not realize that there is info on how to correct my marriage plastered all over this website. I have thoroughly read everything about repairing the marriage from my side, and understand that I will be putting up with a lot of negativity for a while from my husband. That is why I didn't ask much about that, or as some previous poster stated, I am only asking about me me me. I needed info on what to do next to help solidify a chance that we can reconcile. I knew in my head I needed to move out but my options seemed so slim. Being in that apartment with the OM was extremely toxic which is why I left at 1 AM. I also know I needed help getting that little push, which some of you guys have done a great job! Being understanding and genuinely trying to help has helped me tremendously.
I told my husband when he called me this morning that my dad would be there. His true purpose for being there is in case my husband said he absolutely does not want me living in the house, he can put me into an apartment. My husband will be in the house about 45 min before my dad, so I will discuss it with him alone in privacy first. No, he knows we aren't trapping him. He knows my dad and what a good man he is and he'd never do that, this is our battle not his.

And for those who assume I am just trying to stop a divorce and that's all I am worried about, we weren't even going to file for a divorce for a year anyways. This is strictly about getting us back on track. And way to assume that I am just going sex my husband's brains out as a way to apologize... hmm I don't recall saying that. Oh wait, because I didn't. Yall are just throwing assumptions (crazy assumptions) left and right for your own self-happiness because perhaps your significant other cheated or what not. That is not my problem. Just like my marriage is not your problem. If ya don't want to help, DON'T  I won't lose sleep over it. Oh and yeah I am completely gonna just pretend that whole affair never happened and just sweep it under the rug.... really (sarcasm). Where do you people come up with this stuff?? I already know yall are gonna say "Oh this happens all the time, we know all, all our assumptions are true" and that's your prerogative but not my future. Good luck to you all.
For those of you who have been there, I seriously thank you for the mental push and the help with making this reconciliation work out :smthumbup: Oh, and I should be getting a phone call from a counselor here soon to get me seen right away.


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## happyman64

Steph,

Keep moving forward. Work on you, your marriage and helping your husband heal.

All you can do is be there for him and be honest with him.

Actions speak so much louder than words and you are off to a good start.

Make your time count with your husband and hopefully he will be willing to give you the time and effort that you are asking him for.

Good Luck and I am glad you are home. Hopefully he will be too!

HM64


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## anonymouskitty

OP, we're not making any personal attacks on you or describing your character because thats not our job here. We want what's best for you and your husband. Having been through this already , we can only advice you on what we think is the best thing to do in order to save your marriage, whether you accept that or not is upto you.

We're not assuming things here, we're just piecing the facts together. And I for one am not assessing your character. People fvck up because we're people we're flawed and if you must know all the cases that are on here have more things in common than you actually believe.

Yes yours is a unique situation but it has a lot of similarity with others around here too. Since we've already been through where you are right now we can advice you on the best strategies in overcoming your situation, again whether you choose to heed our words or not is your decision, we're offering what we think is the best way to go about this situation

OP if you were truly remorseful you wouldn't be defensive. Again I'm not judging you but thats the impression that you're creating here


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## morituri

Stephanie,

Here's some more info that could help your husband to heal.

*3 Ways to Erase Post-Affair Anger*
*Cheated On, Tortured by Images*
*http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/40190-feeding-affair-image-beast.html#post593486*
*Erase Obsessive Affair Images (in 30 Minutes)*


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## Stephanie.Jackson

AKitty, I am aware (and thankful!) for those who are being understanding and polite, and even those people are still being firm. There is a line between being firm and being downright spiteful. Your post is completely fine. Others... well. Good for them.

Morituri, thank you for the links. My husband is getting out of the shower so I will read them later tonight.

I do need some help now though with something new. I am wanting to talk about everything... he's acting all as if nothing happened. Do I wait till he is ready or do I bring the topic up? He hasn't said anything about it being good or bad if I live here. He just started talking and joking... now I feel wierd. I was all ready and pepped up to discuss this and now it's like he's sweeping it under the rug... Opinions?


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## happyman64

Steph

All you can do is ask him if he is willing to talk now and be specific.

I think he is extremely wary of you coming home and probably apprehensive.

Just take it easy with him and be ready for his emotions to be all over the place.

And keep yourself under control too. You have had time to process your coming home in your mind.

He has not.


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## anonymouskitty

Be pro-active and give him all the details he wants. If he's not ready to hear them just let him know that you're going to give all the details whenever he feels he's ready.

Firstly cut all communication with OM , send a NC letter to him clearly stating your intent

Be prepared for some stick and tongue lashing


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## morituri

Granted that you can't ram this information down his throat but do let him know that if and when he feels the need to talk about your affair that you will be ready to tell him ANYTHING that he requests, even the gory details IF that is what he truly wants. The point is that you do not give him the impression that you do not want to talk about the affair and will be totally open and honest about everything related to it.


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## anonymouskitty

And some BS's will actually try to block the entire incident out, something like selective amnesia, if your hubby doesn't discuss about this affair in the coming weeks I wouldn't keep it to myself thinking that everything was rosy.


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## TBT

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> he's acting all as if nothing happened.
> 
> He just started talking and joking... now I feel wierd.


Just an alternative opinion,but maybe since he's been away he discussed the situation with others and has come up with a plan of his own.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

Well, he finally brought it up. He said he doesn't think me living here is a good idea and I should take up my dad's offer of living elsewhere in an apartment because there is zero hope for us. I told him oh well, I am staying in the house. Then my dad and I went out to eat (husband said he didn't want to come).

So in the middle of eating, my husband called and asked if he could join us cause he needed to talk to us both, I said sure. He came in and sat down and said he would be lying if he said there was zero chance of us getting back together, but the chance was so slim that he doubted it... but couldn't tell me for sure no cause he was not in the right mindset to make such a permanent decision. 

SOOO I am moving into my new apartment tomorrow. He said after he has some space, we may start basically dating.... see each other like once a week, if we hit it off (why wouldn't we, we're married??) then see each other more frequently and maybe start having sleep overs if we're still hitting it off and go from there.
Or if he meets someone new then I need to respect his decision (I will).

I am so confused. Everyone and every source said to move back in. He needs me to be there for him.. but he says he needs space. Lots of space. I am lost right now as to what to do.. besides move out. I just hope he enjoys the time we get to spend together whenever he decides to do so.


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## keko

It seems he already forgave you but wants to take it slow in re-building the marriage. Don't give up on the hope and keep pushing for him to take you back.


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## happyman64

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> Well, he finally brought it up. He said he doesn't think me living here is a good idea and I should take up my dad's offer of living elsewhere in an apartment because there is zero hope for us. I told him oh well, I am staying in the house. Then my dad and I went out to eat (husband said he didn't want to come).
> 
> So in the middle of eating, my husband called and asked if he could join us cause he needed to talk to us both, I said sure. He came in and sat down and said he would be lying if he said there was zero chance of us getting back together, but the chance was so slim that he doubted it... but couldn't tell me for sure no cause he was not in the right mindset to make such a permanent decision.
> 
> SOOO I am moving into my new apartment tomorrow. He said after he has some space, we may start basically dating.... see each other like once a week, if we hit it off (why wouldn't we, we're married??) then see each other more frequently and maybe start having sleep overs if we're still hitting it off and go from there.
> Or if he meets someone new then I need to respect his decision (I will).
> 
> I am so confused. Everyone and every source said to move back in. He needs me to be there for him.. but he says he needs space. Lots of space. I am lost right now as to what to do.. besides move out. I just hope he enjoys the time we get to spend together whenever he decides to do so.


Steph,

You have to respect his decision. You left and not just for a few days but months.

He needs his space because he has detached from you thinking you weren't coming back.

That is ok. You gave it a shot. If you really love him you will try the dating on his terms. He must be terribly hurt and worse, he does not trust you at this time with his head or his heart.

You cannot blame him. You can only try to love him again and see if you can rekindle the marriage.

Your actions will very important to him from now on. No more words to him. You must show him that your actions are true and that you are in this for the long haul.

Good Luck

Hm64


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## Stephanie.Jackson

Yeah... I know. It's like my dad said, he has been hurting and now it's my time to hurt.... it sucks.
He did say earlier today that he honestly feels I wouldn't cheat again. But then followed it with "hopefully I am right and you don't cheat on your next husband or boyfriend." His comments seem to go back and forth between a possible future and my "next husband" so idk.. grr.


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## Falene

Your husband is suffering from a mental illness which is caused by a spouse that cheats. Be patient. Be understanding.


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## DawnD

I know this won't bring you any solace, but he will probably be back and forth and unsure of what he wants for a while. I was that way for over a year. The best you can do is to remain constant in what you want.


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## Kallan Pavithran

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> Yeah... I know. It's like my dad said, *he has been hurting and now it's my time to hurt.*... it sucks.
> He did say earlier today that he honestly feels I wouldn't cheat again. But then followed it with "hopefully I am right and you don't cheat on your next husband or boyfriend." His comments seem to go back and forth between a possible future and my "next husband" so idk.. grr.



His hurt=your hurt x1000 times

Why are you hurting, is it because he didn't took you back immoderately as you expected? or is it because he didn't want to hear the graphic details of A you were eagerly waiting to tell to get his empathy? Is it because he didn't want you in his life now? if so your hurt and pain will go away in few weeks, when you realize your husband is a chump to disown his wife who did a mistake but wanted to R.

But if you are hurt because now you realize the pain and hurt you inflicted on your husband and you hurt because of shame of your actions then don't give up, respect his decision for space and do everything in your power to show him that you regret your bad choices and want a more strong and better marriage with him, this may bring him back. Now his needs are your priority not you needs, his healing should be your priority. Get an IC to find why you strayed and disrespected your marriage. Dont think that you did this because you are lonely.

He was not only hurt by your cheating, he is more hurt by your actions on your Dday. He expected a wife who will do anything to do to get him back but when asked you to get out off the home you asked for your share of money and went straight to OM bed. You inflicted more pain when you banged OM under his nose. When he expelled you from the home he never expected you to jump directly on OM bed. So the pain and hurt he have to deal is more.

About his comments, He wanted his old wife and marriage back, he also realizes that his old wife and marriage is dead and afraid to have a future with a cheater who is capable of disrespect, betray and lie to him. So if you want him back show him that you are a better women than the previous immature women, he can trust you, show him by your actions that a life with you will be more secure, healthy and stronger than the previous marriage.

Accept his offer to date again, you are lucky that you didn't have D papers in your hand by now. You are lucky that he offered you another chance to show him a new and better person you have emerged. Many don't get this second chance. Deal one day at a time.


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## anonymouskitty

Steph, It takes more to forgive than it takes to be remorseful

Take things slow and don't get your hopes up high, he needs to heal now and more often than not the WS is the person that heals the BS its sad really that the person who hurt you the most must be the one to heal you but thats the way of it


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## Vanton68

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> Yeah... I know. It's like my dad said, he has been hurting and now it's my time to hurt.... it sucks.
> He did say earlier today that he honestly feels I wouldn't cheat again. But then followed it with "hopefully I am right and you don't cheat on your next husband or boyfriend." His comments seem to go back and forth between a possible future and my "next husband" so idk.. grr.


Get used to him acting bi-polar on crack. He is hurt & confused. Expect his mind to be all over the place for a long, long time. That is the bed you made & if you want to fix it -> that's what you gotta go through.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Headspin

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> Well, he finally brought it up. He said he doesn't think me living here is a good idea and I should take up my dad's offer of living elsewhere in an apartment because there is zero hope for us. I told him oh well, I am staying in the house. Then my dad and I went out to eat (husband said he didn't want to come).
> 
> So in the middle of eating, my husband called and asked if he could join us cause he needed to talk to us both, I said sure. He came in and sat down and said he would be lying if he said there was zero chance of us getting back together, but the chance was so slim that he doubted it... but couldn't tell me for sure no cause he was not in the right mindset to make such a permanent decision.
> 
> SOOO I am moving into my new apartment tomorrow. He said after he has some space, we may start basically dating.... see each other like once a week, if we hit it off (why wouldn't we, we're married??) then see each other more frequently and maybe start having sleep overs if we're still hitting it off and go from there.
> Or if he meets someone new then I need to respect his decision (I will).
> 
> I am so confused. Everyone and every source said to move back in. He needs me to be there for him.. but he says he needs space. Lots of space. I am lost right now as to what to do.. besides move out. I just hope he enjoys the time we get to spend together whenever he decides to do so.


Well, although for different reasons and scenarios, I am where your husband is and he is thinking about this in exactly the same way I would.

Many of my friend family ask me you surely would not ever have her back after what she has done over the years and although I want to agree with them I still love her and in my head the only way I could see back with her is to the letter what your husband has done with you.

Why should he in any way, having got his head partially sorted over you now, just put himself out to be steamrollered by you again by having you back in the marital home!? 

In effect he (and I) need a fresh canvas one which will not be littered constantly with your baggage and although that is almost impossible this is his initial effort to do just that.

I would consider myself very fortunate you have this opportunity and do whatever you need to allow him to get comfortable with you in his heart.

My experience has changed one huge thing about me, and maybe your husband is there too, and that is that I always thought pure love from both sides in big but equal measures would always be enough to get through any problems in a marriage but now I know that is not enough. 

So although you may still be in his heart it may well take much more time for him to be comfortable happy in his mind.

If I were to consider taking my wife back, I know I don't really have a question about the love for her but in my head I'm kinda still terrified by the prospect and that seems to be growing as time goes on and on.

Good luck with it.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

Thank you very much everyone, and thank you for the insight HeadSpin... it seems most husbands want to work it out with the wives present, so it was nice to know that there are some who want to work on it from far away, cause I was really freaking out!

And yes, of course I am hurting because of the pain I caused him and our families. I am trying to do this the best way I can now in order to fix this.

Something confusing happened last night though. I told him when we went to bed that I wanted to enjoy one last night in our comfy bed and that I will stay on one side of the bed and I will not harass him (I originally told him I'd be sleeping in the guest bedroom). He agreed to this and we fell asleep just like that, on opposite sides of a king size bed. Well I wake up in the middle of the night to him touching me (sorry if TMI but I sleep in the nude lol) and he initiated sex with me. Afterwards, he apologized over and over again saying he shouldn't have done that and he couldn't help himself because "there is a sexy naked woman laying next to me" but he wanted to snuggle up and fall asleep together afterwards. Three hours later while we're still asleep, he initiated sex AGAIN. Afterwards he kissed me and then he went to work.. but not until he finished saying how horrible he feels and he doesn't want me to think that we're completely back together and he shouldn't have done it not once, but twice in one sleeping period. He said this is why we should be staying in separate houses for a while.

Soooo I am confused. I definitely didn't want to turn him down, not just for mine and his enjoyment, but also because I wanted him to feel close to me again and maybe guarantee that he might miss me a little while I am gone. Why did he do that??? And I am moving into my new place in 2 hours.


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## YellowRoses

Why are YOU confused ?

You know him 

Knowing how mixed up he is you got naked into his bed

Its not rocket science - you got what you actually wanted didn't you ?


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## Stephanie.Jackson

I actually had no intentions of having sex with him. Like I said, we fell asleep several feet away from each other and maintained that for hours until he woke up for whatever reason and decided he wanted sex.

When I said I wanted to sleep in the master bedroom, he didn't argue about it or seem angry at all he just said "okay that's fine". So yes, I am confused. I know he is confused but I don't get why/how he let it happen twice? That's the wierd part to me, especially after how bad he felt after the first time.


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## crossbar

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> Soooo I am confused. I definitely didn't want to turn him down, not just for mine and his enjoyment, but also because I wanted him to feel close to me again and maybe guarantee that he might miss me a little while I am gone. Why did he do that??? And I am moving into my new place in 2 hours.


 It's called hysterical bonding. It's a subconscious, animalistic response to re-claim what he believes is his. It's normal, I wouldn't think too much on it.


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## crossbar

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> He said after he has some space, we may start basically dating.... see each other like once a week, if we hit it off (*why wouldn't we, we're married??*)


Actually, you're not. You might be married on paper, but you're not actually in a MARRIAGE. You've changed everything. The marriage that you once had prior to you affair is gone and gone forever. That is never coming back. So, he's not wrong.


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## TBT

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> Soooo I am confused. I definitely didn't want to turn him down, not just for mine and his enjoyment, but also because I wanted him to feel close to me again and maybe guarantee that he might miss me a little while I am gone. Why did he do that??? And I am moving into my new place in 2 hours.


I don't think it's uncommon Stephanie as you both still have a love connection however tenuous it may be at present,and other posters on here have expressed similar things happening.As far as the way he reacted this morning I expect its from the love /hate/fear/insecure feelings he has going on inside right now.Just keep doing the positive affirmations/actions and try not to look for guarantees too much in anything right now as you both still have a long road ahead full of many bumps.Take care and try not to find yourself at loose ends with time on your hands.Peace.


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## lordmayhem

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> Soooo I am confused. I definitely didn't want to turn him down, not just for mine and his enjoyment, but also because I wanted him to feel close to me again and maybe guarantee that he might miss me a little while I am gone. Why did he do that??? And I am moving into my new place in 2 hours.


If it was intense, the best you've had in a while, then that's HB.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

This is the first time I have heard of HB. But yeah, he was really putting his work in. The only problem I ever had in our marriage was the sex. I wasn't fond of having sex at all because it kinda went downhill in quality with him after a couple years. Last night it felt like it did when we were first together and it was nice and I missed it.


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## sandc

You're taking your licks pretty good Stephanie. I've never been cheated on so I don't have anything to offer here. You made some piss poor choices and stabbed the man you love the most in the back. What a damned-awful situation you've created for yourself.

But you know what, I am really pulling for you. Please don't get discouraged, keep posting, keep asking questions, keep taking your licks from us. It might make it easier to take what your husband says or does when you know why he is saying or doing a certain thing. If you two come through this you will most certainly not be the same two people but hopefully you will be much better people than you were.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

Why thank you. I also finally have an appt to see a therapist/counselor (are those terms synonymous??) tomorrow at 9:30am so I am excited for that opportunity as well.


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## sinnister

I agree with Sandc. It's actually pretty rare to see a cheating spouse come on here and be as genuine as you have been. Your taking all criticisms and advice to heart. It makes me want for you guys to work out.

The others are right, it's hysterical bonding. What's more you were naked...in a bed...and you're a woman. His physiological responses to that situation are almost involuntary, he is a guy after all, and I get the feeling he loves you very much but is terrified of being in a relationship with you again. That's why he kept appologizing. He doesnt want to give you false hope cause he's really not sure about the prospect of reconciling.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

That makes a lot of sense. It's kinda neat though because I am actually craving sexual attention from him now and I haven't done that in years. In fact, for the last 2.5 years, the only reason we had sex is because I had felt obligated as his wife... otherwise the marriage was awesome. Also, sex became extremely painful to the point where I'd have tears in my eyes.. I never told him that it hurt THAT bad though... doctors said everything was fine. About 2 months ago I discovered these pills and everything has been much easier and cured, however, it wasn't until last night that I eagerly wanted to have sex with him. I am going to enjoy that feeling but it stinks I won't be fulfilling it lol.


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## DawnD

Don't be surprised if he ends up saying he feels disgusted with himself. Emotions tend to get really ugly sometimes after all the crap he has been through.


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## anonymouskitty

DawnD said:


> Don't be surprised if he ends up saying he feels disgusted with himself. Emotions tend to get really ugly sometimes after all the crap he has been through.


Yeah also be prepared to physically be thrown off during sex(just be prepared), heck i did it and then sat in the corner of the bed and bawled like a baby


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## DawnD

Just realized that my last one sounded weird. Not to say you are disgusting OP, but that his emotions might go from one extreme to another, and sometimes sex with a DS can trigger the feeling of disgust.


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## Vanton68

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> Thank you very much everyone, and thank you for the insight HeadSpin... it seems most husbands want to work it out with the wives present, so it was nice to know that there are some who want to work on it from far away, cause I was really freaking out!
> 
> And yes, of course I am hurting because of the pain I caused him and our families. I am trying to do this the best way I can now in order to fix this.
> 
> Something confusing happened last night though. I told him when we went to bed that I wanted to enjoy one last night in our comfy bed and that I will stay on one side of the bed and I will not harass him (I originally told him I'd be sleeping in the guest bedroom). He agreed to this and we fell asleep just like that, on opposite sides of a king size bed. Well I wake up in the middle of the night to him touching me (sorry if TMI but I sleep in the nude lol) and he initiated sex with me. Afterwards, he apologized over and over again saying he shouldn't have done that and he couldn't help himself because "there is a sexy naked woman laying next to me" but he wanted to snuggle up and fall asleep together afterwards. Three hours later while we're still asleep, he initiated sex AGAIN. Afterwards he kissed me and then he went to work.. but not until he finished saying how horrible he feels and he doesn't want me to think that we're completely back together and he shouldn't have done it not once, but twice in one sleeping period. He said this is why we should be staying in separate houses for a while.
> 
> Soooo I am confused. I definitely didn't want to turn him down, not just for mine and his enjoyment, but also because I wanted him to feel close to me again and maybe guarantee that he might miss me a little while I am gone. Why did he do that??? And I am moving into my new place in 2 hours.


Let him know that if he wants you, there is no problem with that (assuming you don't have a problem). And that you understand sex with him doesn't mean you are back together. So that he understand you are not trying to just sex your way out of the problems, but you want to bond with him and help him through this. He should get the hint, but for at least a few months he will be alternating between angry as hell, hurt as hell, the victim, the strong man and the apologist. It is insane the way the brain helps you heal from trauma.


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## Beelzebub

I'm not sure how he is going to look at you even after back to the marriage.


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## happyman64

Steph,
Let me explain a few things to you that you will learn as you get older.

Yes you guys had sex again. Twice. Nice. So you just confirmed a few things. 

He still finds you sexually attractive. Check.
You still find him sexually attractive. Check.

Step one on breaking his barriers down went good. You had to be home to do this. Get it yet. Be grateful that he let you in the house, in his bed and into his heart just a little.

That is the man in him finding you still hot. Not your husband. But that is a god sign that all is not lost.

The husband in him wants his space. He feels he cannot trust you and so he tells you that you are not a couple. Your husband is afraid of you. Do not blame him. This is normal.

Your husband is confused. Why? Because I honestly think he felt you would not come back to him or the marriage. Your husband is apprehensive. Nervous to be around you. Feels he cannot trust, hence, he needs his space.

What you should do is send him a message thanking him for loving you if you really feel that way. If you want him back you have to be an open book. Your apt. has to be an open door.

And you have to make that cLear to him. No games with him. Tell him your goals. He needs to be on board to make this effort successful as well. Do not hit him over the head with all of this, just gradually ease him along.

Remember, it is his choice to date you and try to R with you. You have to see that he is willing. You have to show that you are willing and that this new M is what you want......

It takes two to Tango. 

Another suggestion I have is that maybe you guys date at your apt. Keep his home the neutral ground so he feels he can go back there and be safe and secure. 

Hopefully he will see you are not crowding or pressuring him. He will see that you have grown up.

And lastly, you cannot hurt this guy again. No man would give you a 2nd shot if they feel there is a chance you could leave him again because of a fight or disagreement. And you guys will have those spats as you test your new marriage/dating/relationship.

So you have jumped in with both feet. I think that is great. But now you have to do the heavy lifting by holding his head above the water. He is confused and unsure of you so be patient, strong and loving.

If you really love him and want to be married to him then realize your fight for your marriage has just begun.

HM64
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sandc

And while you are living in your apartment, make sure you let him know your whereabouts at all times. Or if he doesn't want to know make sure he knows that you would like him to know where you are. And then be instantly available in as much as you are able. Give him no reason to suspect you are hanging around anyone else.

And remember...you're in this for the long haul.


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## Acabado

Gather all patience you can gather. And work on yourself, self improvement. Do it for you, it will always pay back.
As a side effect your husband could see you as a new, improved, safe again, woman. Aand if he can't see a way back you will be a better partner for your new beginning.


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## warlock07

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> That makes a lot of sense. It's kinda neat though because I am actually craving sexual attention from him now and I haven't done that in years. In fact, for the last 2.5 years, the only reason we had sex is because I had felt obligated as his wife... otherwise the marriage was awesome. Also, sex became extremely painful to the point where I'd have tears in my eyes.. I never told him that it hurt THAT bad though... doctors said everything was fine. About 2 months ago I discovered these pills and everything has been much easier and cured, however, it wasn't until last night that I eagerly wanted to have sex with him. I am going to enjoy that feeling but it stinks I won't be fulfilling it lol.



More layers unwrapped. 


Not looking to attack you but these questions might be important. You you rejected him sexually through out the marriage but still went ahead and had a affair with the OM? This will be hard on him. 

Who was the OM? Is he a mutual friend. And how was your relationship with the OM?(emotional vs intensely sexual affair or both ?)


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## Stephanie.Jackson

Okay just got back to my apartment... that still feels weird to say! Lol but it's not as bad as I thought it would be. I got to spend a decent amount of time talking with him. This whole anger thing is difficult to deal with but definitely doable and worth overcoming. Earlier he thought I was completely lying (I told him I had the OM fix the fence months ago, he said that was a complete lie cause he checked every nail and not one new one was found and so he thinks I am still continuously lying) and I tried to tell him I am done lying and this went on for 30 minutes and I was getting frustrated, he was most definitely frustrated, and I felt what's the point of telling him the truth cause he knows I have nothing to hide and yet still thinks I am lying. So I did something gutsy and I didn't know if it were a bad decision or a good one.. I called the OM, put him on speakphone and asked him "what did you do to my fence back in November" and he said exactly what I did, then I said thank you and hung up. While I was asking him that question my husband looked LIVID and was basically cussing outloud and saying he didn't care what the OM said. Then he sat down and apologized because honestly that was the only way he would have believed me and he was glad I did it cause it meant I'm not sitting here lying, even when the "evidence" says otherwise to him. I was very hesitant about calling the OM since I am trying NC. The only reason I said trying is because I accidentally left the spare key to my car at his house and I need to get it back, but after that (and my dad is coming with me to get it) I am strictly NC.

DawnD, your post actually made me laugh a lot. I knew what you meant 

I did tell him the code to open my door so he can come whenever, he doesn't have to call. If I am not home he can call and ask where I am and I will be right there. I promised him if he ever decided out of the blue to come over at 2am, I would be alone in my bed.
I was meaning to tell him he can have sex with me whenever he wants, totally forgot. He got very angry inside while we were talking and said at that moment in time he had no desire to R, but he is on an emotional roller coaster and tomorrow he will feel different.

But yeah, I very much so plan on improving myself! I have about 15lbs I could lose I think and tone up a bit. Plus my nursing school could use more attention from me. Then I will continue as long as possible with my counseling. I am very excited about tomorrow. I am also thinking of taking up a new hobby, but haven't decided yet what.

I've been thinking about what he said, and it's making sense to me now that I am out of the house (but not with the OM). He said he will ask me out for dinner whenever he thinks that when we're out to eat, we will have so much to talk about that the OM won't even need to be discussed. So we can just enjoy each other. It makes sense. 

Really, thank you everyone for your help. I would be going CRAZY if I didn't have the support and harsh criticism from you all. You have no idea how much it's helped. Thank you thank you thank you!


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## Stephanie.Jackson

I didn't really reject him for sex... we were still doing it 2x a week before he deployed. But he had no idea how much I hated it. I told him today. Not so much about how unpleasant I found it, but about how much better it was last night and I know he really put passion and work into making sure I was satisfied.

I met the OM while I worked at a veterinarian clinic. He brought his puppy in for an "emergency" and I was the one who assisted him and ever since then he has been completely entranced by me. At the time, my wedding ring was MIA for 4 months cause my cat ran off with it, and so it took months before he had the nerve to ask me I had a boyfriend. 
Anyways, months later we eventually started our affair. It was a very, very emotional affair. We got into it a lot because he wanted me to leave my husband and it hurt him every day, especially as the homecoming date got closer. He loves very passionately and deeply and was the most blunt and straightforward person I will ever meet in my life I believe. It was also a very, very sexual affair. He is an extremely attractive and fit man. Something I will never be able to tell my husband (unless he asks, and I doubt he will because he was never able to and i think he assumes I am broken or something, cause I always thought i was) is that the OM is the only person to have ever given me an orgasm. That is a hard realization to come to, but my husband is still worth it. Way worth it. And I don't mind at all getting to enjoy the sex with my husband, even if it means I don't get to orgasm.


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## keko

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> my wedding ring was MIA for 4 months cause my cat ran off with it,


Did he bring it back?


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## WorkingOnMe

I know you think you did the right thing but please please don't call the OM again! God, especially not in front of your hubby. No contact means NO contact. Even if it helps prove your case. Repeat after me: NO contact!!!


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## WorkingOnMe

Oh and that last bit about the orgasm? Ya, that will kill your husband. And any chance at R.


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## TBT

Stephanie,why would you tell your husband that the OM was working on his home? There's an old saying that "a man's home is his castle" If my wife had told me that after she had cheated I would've felt even more replaceable,especially in my own home.Btw,why can't your dad or someone else go pick up your car keys by themselves?


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## warlock07

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> I didn't really reject him for sex... we were still doing it 2x a week before he deployed. But he had no idea how much I hated it. I told him today. Not so much about how unpleasant I found it, but about how much better it was last night and I know he really put passion and work into making sure I was satisfied.
> 
> I met the OM while I worked at a veterinarian clinic. He brought his puppy in for an "emergency" and I was the one who assisted him and ever since then he has been completely entranced by me. At the time, my wedding ring was MIA for 4 months cause my cat ran off with it, and so it took months before he had the nerve to ask me I had a boyfriend.
> Anyways, months later we eventually started our affair. It was a very, very emotional affair. We got into it a lot because he wanted me to leave my husband and it hurt him every day, especially as the homecoming date got closer. He loves very passionately and deeply and was the most blunt and straightforward person I will ever meet in my life I believe. It was also a very, very sexual affair. He is an extremely attractive and fit man. Something I will never be able to tell my husband (unless he asks, and I doubt he will because he was never able to and i think he assumes I am broken or something, cause I always thought i was) is that the OM is the only person to have ever given me an orgasm.* That is a hard realization to come to, but my husband is still worth it.* Way worth it. And I don't mind at all getting to enjoy the sex with my husband, even if it means I don't get to orgasm.


Why do you want to get back? maybe you *were *stupid teenagers that got married. 

Your husband is still worth it? But, are you worth it to him?? You attitude looks more like pity or guilt of leaving him rather than love TBH. Again I am not attacking you. You seem to be getting back because you think it is the right thing to do rather than you feeling it.

Let me ask you this. Are you more attractive than your H?


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## Stephanie.Jackson

He had already known about the fence thing. Long story. But the OM accidentally broke a board from the fence and messed up the one next to it.
I don't plan on bringing the orgasm thing up, he wouldn't be able to look past that. He is having a hard time dealing with my perception of how our sex life used to be, that would crush him further. I am all for being honest, and every thing else I would be. But that... I don't think I can.
TBT, I didn't even think about that. My husband, dad, and I all discussed this when we were out to eat yesterday. My husband states he doesn't care if I go by myself, I told him I am not doing that, and my dad said he is going to go with. I know my husband does care, he just won't say it. I will probably do that. My brain has been fried and some of the simplest things just aren't processing like they used to lol.

Oh and yes, my wedding ring was coincidentally found the day my husband was deploying. I said since he was leaving, I wanted to rearrange the furniture but it was too heavy for me and asked if he could help move the sectional and stuff and bam, there it was. under the rug that was under the sectional.


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## keko

For the orgasm part, teach your husband what you've learned from the OM.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stephanie.Jackson

No, I am not trying to get back with him because it was the right thing to do or because it hurt him. I've already pretty much hurt him as much as possible, so me moving on wouldn't affect him anymore as he has said this himself.

Am I more attractive than my husband? I wouldn't say so. I don't think I am much more attractive than your next lady, but I still get other mens' attention so I guess I can't be that bad? I am hard on myself so getting a good answer from me is next to impossible. I think my husband is a good looking man. As long as he keeps the mustache at a low length lol


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## Stephanie.Jackson

keko said:


> For the orgasm part, teach your husband what you've learned from the OM.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I've kinda started, and I noticed last night he did something I was trying to tell him earlier to do but didn't want to at the time (before DDAY). I am just worried that will come out badly... trying to teach him to be like the OM. Another thing, the OM was ... really large. Biggest i have ever seen by far.


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## warlock07

Be very honest. Now is not the time to be modest. While you might want to be kind to your H, do you at some level think your are at a higher level than your H on the attractive scale or you could have found someone more attractive ?


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## Stephanie.Jackson

I think we are even honestly.
The OM is more attractive than me I believe though. I've always found short, dark skinned men extremely attractive. My husband is a 6'4'' light skinned guy. I still find him very attractive though. The OM fit the other category.


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## warlock07

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> I've kinda started, and I noticed last night he did something I was trying to tell him earlier to do but didn't want to at the time (before DDAY). I am just worried that will come out badly... trying to teach him to be like the OM. Another thing, the OM was ... really large. Biggest i have ever seen by far.


You are triggering every BS on this forum with your posts. Naive or dumb, I don't know


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## WorkingOnMe

Why do you keep saying this crap???? You have turrets or something? First he's better in bed, now he's got a way bigger unit? Do you want back with your husband or not?

I wondered if this was a troll before. Now it's looking more and more that way.


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## warlock07

> And I don't mind at all getting to enjoy the sex with my husband, even if it means I don't get to orgasm.


Doesn't that mean that you don't have enough sexual chemistry for a happy marriage? Would you feel the same after things settled down and you aren't as wracked with guilt?


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## Stephanie.Jackson

warlock07 said:


> Doesn't that mean that you don't have enough sexual chemistry for a happy marriage? Would you feel the same after things settled down and you aren't as wracked with guilt?


I've done this for our whole relationship. He may not be able to get me to orgasm, however he has the capability to make me enjoy it a lot. It's just he had given up on my ability to orgasm I think and just decided since I can't, he may as well just do what makes him happy. Maybe he just got too comfortable sexually.

An orgasm is NOT the most important thing in the world. And about me being a troll, I am not. I was simply stating that I think because this OM was so large, that was the only way I could finish. But the size doesn't indicate my ability to simply enjoy it.


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## warlock07

> But the size doesn't indicate my ability to simply enjoy it.


But you said you did enjoy it the most. What is that you have with your H that you want to get back? Is there something worth saving in the marriage? I still don't get it.


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## anonymouskitty

* G A S L I G H T I N G* Stephanie, sweetie, you're just too immature to be in a relationship, go for a D grow up and go back to relationship mode when you've gained a bit of experience in the way the world works


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## LeslieH

An orgasm is very important.
Also, if you're not being completely satisfied sexually, there is a chance that is not as well.

For the love of God, do NOT tell him that the OM is better in bed and bigger. What good does that do anyone? Lie! Telling him the truth will be devastating. And don't coach him in bed, that's pretty insulting. 

Also, it may be wise for the 2 of you to not just see an MC but a sex therapist as well.

I'm a WS currently working on R. Our sex life was pretty lame to me. Not the reason I cheated, but a contributing factor. Turns out that he's unhappy with it too...only he was the better person and didn't act selfishly like I did. The upside to our misfortune is that we talk about EVERYTHING now. And talking out or sexual issues with each other was painful but helps a lot.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

I don't see how me being honest about our sex life is immature or shows that I need a divorce. I guess I must be the only person who can enjoy sex deeply without having an orgasm. I can do that myself. As long as I feel a connection during the sex and not like I am a body being used to deposit sperm into. The first 2.5 years he did it, then our sex life declined greatly (I think I know why actually) and then last night it felt just like it used to and I was very satisfied. 
My husband said his only complaint was that before he deployed we were only having sex 2x a week, when he wanted it daily. He said the quality was fine. Just mine wasn't.

Glad to see so many of yall want a couple to divorce though. That was sarcasm if it wasn't completely obvious...


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## TBT

You know Stephanie,did you ever think that your husband saying he didn't care whether or not you went to pick up your car keys was him testing you.Your husband sounds way too complacent right now the way you describe things.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

TBT said:


> You know Stephanie,did you ever think that your husband saying he didn't care whether or not you went to pick up your car keys was him testing you.Your husband sounds way too complacent right now the way you describe things.


I know he is testing me, and I know he must care on some level because we wouldn't be at the point we are now if I were still living with the OM.

I am kicking myself about leaving the key at his apt. I will tell him I am gonna have my dad pick up the key.


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## anonymouskitty

Then be truthful and divorce him, you deserve the best he deserves the best. Why do you want to settle for anything less?

Btw is that a pic of you and OM in your avatar?


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## Stephanie.Jackson

HECK NO that's my husband! In my avatar pic, it's when I was 17 and him 19.

Cause I still enjoy having sex with him when he puts effort into it. We had a wonderful marriage. Only fighting 4-5 times a year, always together doing everything as a couple, doing fun random things... it really was an awesome, nearly perfect marriage. In my opinion (and his) at least, and that is all that matters.


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## warlock07

Is the Om the same race as your husband?


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## Stephanie.Jackson

yes.


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## warlock07

Damn!! You can argue that race isn't a factor unless you are a racist but it will be. Does your H know?


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## Stephanie.Jackson

Wait, how is it racist that both my husband and the OM are black?? I am confused.

I've never been with a man who isn't black. Never kissed or anything with someone outside of that race.


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## warlock07

My mistake. I thought you said he was from a different race. never mind. 

I was making a point that the hurt might be much more if the OM was of different race. And that you cannot call him a racist for that.


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## Acabado

Give your husband a copy of your apartment keys.
If your husband, one day, agree to fully enter into reconciliation aks for MC, the sex part has to be resolved.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

My townhome has a keyless entry (pass code entry) and he has the code to get in. 

I went to counseling this morning and I was kind of disappointed... The first 20 minutes and last 15 minutes we discussed what happened... the middle 25 minutes I had to listen to the counselor talk about himself! I was confused because then I felt like the counselor and ended up not getting much help from this guy. Even he said me being in a separate household is going to make this R really hard and I should be in the same house - but my husband said me being in the house would be detrimental to a R. The counselor was confused by all of my husband's mixed signals as well, but said it seems hopeful since he tried to implement what I had asked him to do previously in the bedroom. IDK. The counselor really wants my husband to come with next time but that will be tricky to get him to do, since I asked him if he would come EVENTUALLY last night and he said not yet, maybe later... I guess he wants to deal with it on his own.

I think I am just going to totally leave my husband alone for 3 or so days unless he decides to contact me, and see if he even wants to contact me in that period of time. I went to Barnes and Noble after my counseling session to see if maybe a book might be of assistance to me since the guy wasn't really. I bought 2 books, and the first one seems extremely helpful so far (page 60) and it makes so much sense and I would really like my husband to read it. He doesn't ever read books but I think while he's working tonight I will leave him a little note on top of the book asking to try to at least read 20 pages for me.
He saw me reading the book at the house while I was waiting on a friend, and asked if the counselor gave me the book and I told him no, I got it for myself and he got quiet for a little bit, but it felt like a good silence soooo... yeah. For anyone who wants to read a good affair book, it's called When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts and Minds of People in Two Relationships[/U] by Mira Kirshenbaum. I would buy it 3 times over again, it's applicable for the BS and the WS.

Anyways, that's my update for the day.:scratchhead:


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## Complexity

For some reason I'm really optimistic about you guys reconciling.

Best of luck Stephanie


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## Stephanie.Jackson

I hope... I start to lose faith in any chance of R then I get it back... on my own little rollercoaster I guess.


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## spudster

I read your thread and I have a nagging question in regards to the sex. 

You said (and excuse me if I read this wrong) that your husband was causing you a great amount of pain during intercourse. This was one of the reasons your sex life with him was problematic.

But then you said that the OM has a larger tool than your husband, and that sex with him was fantastic.

Am I missing something here? :scratchhead:


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## morituri

From another thread.



Stephanie.Jackson said:


> LordMayhem, that post was sad :/ I honestly can't think of anything that I did with the OM that I wouldn't love to do with my husband.
> However, I did learn some things I didn't know I would enjoy and so I am not sure how the husband would feel about doing it (rougher, slightly dominating). There is something the OM and I did that I KNEW I wanted from my husband (more affection during the sex, switch it up between love making and dominating at different sessions), that he doesn't do. It didn't feel like porno sex or extremely romantic, it felt like just sex.
> 
> If my husband started being forceful with me in the sheets I would be elated, and who knows, maybe that might help me reach the O with him. I can't see him being forceful but I've learned from that link you posted as well as other resources that ya don't really know till you ask! Now how to ask... that's the hard part.


That is going to be quite a balancing act you are going to perform there Stephanie. For one thing, you want to avoid having him trigger by mental movies of you and the OM having sex but at the same time if he asks you what sexual practices the two of you performed, you want to be completely honest with him. Perhaps the answer lies in telling your husband that you were simply using the OM like a living vibrator and that what made it easier for you to have sex with the OM was that you were actually visualizing him (your husband) being the one there with you. The fact that you didn't go through emotional withdrawal means that the OM was nothing more than an object for you. IF, and only IF, this is a fair and accurate representation of what happened, then why not share it with your husband? But if it isn't then do not say this to him for it would be a lie and the last thing you need is to create more dishonesty.


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## Acabado

> The fact that you didn't go through emotional withdrawal means that the OM was nothing more than an object for you


No withdrawal from Affair/OM is very worrisome, maybe. Did you really was checking out of OM? Is possible you can flip flop so quickly from BH to OM and then back to BH? Learn a little about attachment styles, google it:
Examples:
Explanations---> Attachment Styles
Quiz ----> Romantic Attachment Style


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## anonim

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> Wow you guys are bitter! Nothing satisfies some of yall. I already said I haven't been able to really get into contact with my dad much until today. And I didn't think he would be able to afford a whole nother rent on top of his mortgage, especially since my parents recently asked to borrow $30,000 from me to cover the cost of taxes from the home they used to share together, but apparently his financial situation has changed.
> And for the smart a** remarks, I'm sitting in my driveway waiting for the security system people to take me off hold so I can enter my home without the police showing up.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know this comment was a few weeks old but I saw this and had to comment. 

Yeah these guys are bitter. 95% of them went through what your husband went through or worse. You are more fortunate than you realize that some of them can see past their own hurt to try and help you.

But you don't seem to be able to empathize with their pain of their feelings being brought back to life through your words of what you did against your husband.

Which implicitly means that you don't really empathize with your husbands pain.

Which suggests that you aren't learning, that you aren't growing from this.

A lot of what you have said are poor excuses for your actions.

You words read like you are sorry for hurting your husband.

Your actions and attitude read like you are acting the script for the wayward wife.

Which is it?


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## Stephanie.Jackson

This is my old thread, and I am trying to keep my responses on the other thread, but there were some new people asking/answering.

carpenoctem, you are absolutely right. About the O and the replacing my husband while he was gone.

Yes, the OM had a way larger penis than my husband. The reason it didn't hurt was probably because 1.) he's new so it's exciting, therefore I sexually wanted him. 2.) He also gave me foreplay, which my husband had stopped doing years ago.

When I have sex with my husband now, it does not hurt. I know this is because I found some probiotic pills and they have helped me so much. This was not my husband's fault. Even if he gave me foreplay, at that point I was so sexually turned off because I knew how bad it was going to hurt. It no longer hurts as of May 15th of this year when I began taking these pills.


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