# Confused...maybe in denial?? need advice!!



## ladybug16 (Sep 4, 2010)

Hello everyone, I am new to this site and never thought I would be posting here, but I am in some need of advice right now! I do apologize in advance that this may be long, but I need to explain everything so you will all know what's going on. I am 28 years old and my husband is 29. We have been together for 8 years and married for 3. Back in July, my husband came into our bedroom and told me he was not happy and needed time to himself. He left that night, and well, here it is september and he never came back. Now, some history about us. When we got together, he was very irresponsible with money, had bad credit and not the best immediate family situation (his father left when he was five and his mother, well, that's a whole other story) and I helped him turn his life around and become the man I knew he could be. Well, in the process of that, I developed anxiety and depression which runs in my family really bad. I became controlling, possessive and even mean at times. Now, I am not trying to make excuses, but with the money in our relationship, I needed to be controlling because of his past history, but I do admit to being controlling in other aspects of our relationship, which now I realize was not right. I have taken full responsibility for my actions in our marriage, and I am in counseling and on medication to help me understand and change my behavior for me first and foremost, but also for my marriage. From the time my husband left, he claimed that I needed to "fix me first" in order for "us to be fixed." He even goes to the same therapist as me but we go individually. He always told me that he wasn't abandoning our marriage or wasn't running out and getting a divorce, but now is claiming that he never said that and he doesn't want to work on our marriage anymore. He is currently living with a friend, still has his stuff at our apartment and we still have joint bills, which we each put in our own money on. We ended up paying our credit card debt off with a joint personal loan, and two weeks after it was paid, he goes out and spends $3,000 up to the limit on our card again, buying video games, clothes, etc. He is acting extremely childish and impulsive and seems like he wants his freedom cause he feels like he has been controlled for so long. Through this process, he has told me he discovered a lot of issues he had within himself from his childhood and how it still effects him today. But he never communicated it to me in our marriage. Just like I never really communicated my feelings to him as well. We have only been communicating through emails and texts because that's all he says he can handle. He told me he runs from his problems and doesn't want to deal with them. He tells me he doesn't want to see me in person cause he doesn't want to see me cry or argue, he said he doesn't want to be "full of crazy, sad emotions" but he doesn't want to talk about a divorce. So what does he want then??? This is where I am lost!! If he truly doesn't want to work it out with me, then why won't he just face me and give me the respect I deserve? He says he doesn't want to face me because "what would we talk about" (Um, the obvious!!) I know everyone might be thinking if there is another woman in the picture and the answer to that is no, we have talked about this and as far as I know, I can believe him. I don't know what to do anymore. He said the more I push him to see me the more angry he gets. He tells me I need to change before we can work things out, then people are telling him I am changing and he tells me, "I'm angry that now you are changing, cause it reminds me of the times I told you what made me unhappy and you didn't listen".....can anyone see why I would be confused?? I try to tell him that sometimes people need to go through a separation or time apart to realize the way they have been acting. I feel like things can't be resolved either way until we see each other and talk, but he seems to be so angry. There is a lot more that I can go on and on about, but for now, this is where I am at. I truly feel like he is hiding behind an email or text so he doesn't have to show me his true emotions. He may look like a weak person or someone who is not in control of themselves. Hopefully, I will get some support and advice being on this site, thanks again


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## sadsoul (Aug 10, 2010)

My wife and I go to the same therapist individually. Since my wife left me I usually turn to my therapist for advice. Decide what you want to do and ask your therapist what she thinks about your plan. Your therapist has inside info on how your H feels. I don't know if your therapist will work with you like that but he/she probably knows best what will or will not work right now.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

He's not really participating in the marriage from what I can gather. What is he getting out of it? If you are still paying toward his bills, it's pretty easy to see why he wouldn't be eager to divorce you. His conduct and words aren't in agreement and whenever you have that situation, the conduct is the truth. Despite paying off the debt, he has not changed his irresponsibile spending behavior.
Why would he be motivated to stay in a marriage he's not participating in? Why would he be motivated to formalize a divorce?
All I know is what you've posted. I am guessing one of three scenarios:

He has a fling on the side and isn't sure if it's going to work out and would like you as a backup plan in case it doesn't.

He's deriving economic benefit from remaining legally married. 

He's a passive person, unaccustomed to or ill equipped to making difficult decisions. He won't row the boat and he won't drill holes in the bottom but he'll sleep in the bow and go wherever the current takes him, trying to avoid challenges as they appear. 
You've got eight years invested and in exchange, you have an indecisive, irresponsibile video-game playing kid who is apparently incapable of even discussing an adult problem as a man. You have to admit, his arguments aren't really arguments and completely unproductive. They are more juvenile expressions of hostility and avoidance. 
A separation with a resolution plan makes sense to me. Sitting around playing video games without a plan is a waste of your time and his as well. If you crave a child, you can make one or adopt one. As a life partner, an adult male would probably make a better choice. Other posters know that I absolutely can't abide unnecessarily controlling women. I do realize that some people won't move without a boot in their rear and you may have married one. He's had two months to make something resembling a plan or decision. What epiphany will he receive from another 8 months of playing Modern Warfare 2?


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## ladybug16 (Sep 4, 2010)

Unbelievable--- I think you hit the nail on the head!! 

As far as our bills go, we have a joint car loan, he is using that car and is paying the bill in full ($400 per month!), so I am not responsible for that even though I own half of it. Our other bills are joint (personal loan, car insurance) and we each pay half per month. We have a pretty good system of paying, and it really is benefitting both of us to keep it this way for now because neither one of us can afford to pay them on our own. 

Your three scenarios are great, and I have to say I AGREE 100%with the 3rd one, although I can't rule out 1 or 2 at this point. He has NEVER dealt with his decisions in life very well, he has always allowed people to make decisions for him, whether it be because he didn't want to have conflict (he never likes yelling or nagging or arguing cause that's what he grew up with) or because it was just easier for someone else to make the decision for him. And as my therapist tells me, I was a controlling person, but he allowed me to continue being that way because he didn't stand up for himself and was used to people like that. I read through your reply several times and you are so right, he is a juvenile who plays video games as an "escape" from reality, and he has even told me that's what he used to do as a kid. Don't get me wrong, he did have a rough life, and is honestly a really good person, but he is living in a fantasy world right now. He wants to continue being a kid, and not make responsible, adult decisions. Unfortunately, I still love him very much and know the potential we can have.

Here's the thing, he can tell me he doesn't want to work on our marriage until he is blue in the face, cause he is doing it behind a text message or an email....but if he would put his guard down and just see me, face-to-face, I don't think he would be able to handle his emotions and he will look weak. He is a person who is influenced easily as well, so to his so-called friends he might look weak if he actually decided to be an adult and work on his marriage. 

Thank you for your post! If you have any other insight, please share!!!


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