# How to motivate wife back to work



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Wife got laid off when our first child was 3. we decided to have another child and figured that 2 children in day care was costing us a very large part of her income.

We made drastic lifestyle changes so she could be a SAHM.Which I believe was fantastic for our children they do fantastic in school and mom enjoyed being a mom to the tenth degree.

But now the kids are older 12 & 8 yrs old.

The plan was once the kids were in school she would start looking for a job. there are some lagistics to consider but nothing we can't figure out. such as who would watch them after school and what would we do in the summer.

Now I'm not complaining that she is lazy. she tries to help by doing Avon and sewing but quite honestly It really don't help much and it take alot of time and wears our vehicle out in the process (delivering avon/sewing )


I have asked her to start looking for a job but she always has an excusse and is dragging her heels.

she was an administer in a big company and made a good salary

I have been out of my comfort zone finanacaly for 8 yrs. the house needs updated the cars need updated and we are just living pay check to pay check.

The economey is in the crapper and I think its time for her to put a good faith effort to find a decent job.........I've told her that she has a pile of options. That we are making it by so she could take her time and only accept a job that pays decent.

She has only applied for 2 jobs and they were part time in the last 2 years.

She has hinted for me to work 2 jobs. But I refuse because I didn't have children to be an absent father. I am very active in there lives. I coach 2 baseball teams do boy scouts and cub scouts not to mention fishing/hunting/bikeing and well the list goes on and on. I truly love being a father and spending time with our boys and I don't think it fair to me or them to have to take on another job.Not to mention my parrents are older and I have to spend time helping them with end of life issues. 

I spend nothing on myself as there isn't much left over.but I feel like its getting overwhelming. I am starting to ressent her for not keeping her end of the bargin.

we haven't been on vacation and I keep the vehicls going by repairing everything myself but you can only jerry rig things for so long before they need replaced.

and the other day I found a credit card bill for over 6000$.... it got this high by charging some things that were an emergency.

its the only outstanding debt we have besides our home loan which is almost paid off. 

I don't know I'm just feeling some stress about all this 

So am I a bastard for wanting my wife to get back to work!!!!


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

You are not a bastard, especially if that was the original goal anyway. However, even if it wasn't the original goal, people change and it would be fine for you (or her) to change your mind.

I recommend Dave Ramsey for financial advice. That can help with budgeting and planning for the future.

I recommend the workbook version of _48 Days to the Work You Love_ by Dan Miller for anyone looking for a job or career change. The workbook gives you a step by step process which is pretty intense and perfect for those of us who need motivation.

I would just sit down and be honest about your goals and dreams for the future and how that can only happen with her help by bringing in an income. Get her to talk about her hopes and dreams, too.

The only thing I worry about is that she may not be able to get a job making what she was when she left the job field. She might need to work up to that and take something less desirable in the meantime.

We've had crappy finances nearly our whole marriage and so I know that sometimes 2 jobs is necessary. However, it is miserable and I would avoid that whenever possible. Especially since you have no babies at home it doesn't make sense for you to work 2 and wife to be home in an empty house. Your wife may have a lot of emotions about re-entering the job force. But, I think it will really be great for her and the family.

Be her cheerleader, but you also may need to go slightly coach about this. Good luck!


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

I totally get where you are coming from but I also symapthize with your wife.

You say she was a biog time admin. Now there may be a few things diffferent now.

1 she may no longer have a interest in being the person she was 6 years ago. Being home with your kids can change your perspective and she may not want to do that or anything like it anymore. BUT she may also feel like anything else would either not be good enough for her, OR cause judgement against her for "stepping DOWN the ladder

2 She wants to go back, but is afraid it will take her away from being a mother,

3 she knows that even if she does go back, she will still be the one having to sacrifice work for the kids when they get sick, or summers when an 8 yr old still needs day care of some sort and it is 10x's more expensive to keep a child that age under supervision for the hours you are talking (no more day care at that age it heads into REALLY expensive day camps)

4 she is afraid to head back out after so many years away.

You have to talk to her about all of these things and find out what she wants and what she fears. I am looking at a life change career change HUGE change after this May when i get handed my BA. OMG I guess I should figure out what i am gonna do with that now huh? HAAAA BUt it's freaking terrifying to change my life like this... so that is why I am asking... i am in the middle of it all myself


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

My advice is to help her step into it with just one foot first. Its a daunting task to reenter the job market after being out, and the mind will invent extra fears to add. Maybe you can encourage her to start by looking for something "easy" in her book. Shorter hours, easier job, etc, trusting that once she overcomes the fear in general, she will want to rachet up to something better.

Half the battle is just re-entering the job market. Feelings of confidence come naturally after that.

Or, help her break down the fears, and come up with solutions for one or two of the top fears.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Hmmm, thanks for the replies.

I totaly understand about her having some stress about entering the work force after 8 yrs of being a SAHM.

I think I have been more than understanding and it burns my britches that we came up with a plan and now she is giving me greif about gooing back to work.

I just hope resentment dosen't build up too much.

it gets old always being the one giving in so the other can be happy.

and then hearing how hard it is and they just might not want to go back.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> Hmmm, thanks for the replies.
> 
> I totaly understand about her having some stress about entering the work force after 8 yrs of being a SAHM.
> 
> ...


So stop giving.

Along with the advice others gave, I would start tightening the belt financially in ways she can see. Reduce the amount allocated to food on a weekly basis so she sees it's tight.

if you want to do something special (like a date), explain that you'd like to do dinner and a movie but the budget only has enough for one thing and ask her to choose.

unless she also feels the financial pain, she may never go back.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Part time is a very good option to focus on. Even though kids are in school there is alot of days off, after school activities, summers etc.

But the main answer to the question was given above. Create an expense budget that takes the pressure off of you by saving for the future, and offer her a choice to live within the budget or get some income into it.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> Hmmm, thanks for the replies.
> 
> I totaly understand about her having some stress about entering the work force after 8 yrs of being a SAHM.
> 
> ...


I understand you had a plan, and she agreed to it, but that was a plan made 8 years ago, and BEFORE she had the experience of being home then thinking of going back.

I think your best bet is to sit down with her and talk to her. 

Get yourselves a babysitter, take her out to dinner and chat there. Ask her exactly WHY she is holding back. Ask her specifically if it is any reason discussed here. Make some real suggestions... 

If she went to college, ask her if she would like to explore alumni perks... Many colleges offer job fairs/coaching resume building, advice, counseling etc for alumni. 

When you find out her real concerns, you will have a starting off point. If it is the old career she does not want, talk about what is available to her for a change. If it is making the same salary, discuss options vs REAL needs in the family. Really look into it!

Maybe she is afraid of missing out on time with her kids... I was originally in education, hoping to find a job on my daughter's schedule so I could still be with her summers and most vacations. Since changing my course, one of my beggest mental/emotinal obsticles has been the thought of who will be with her now  . 

It is really hard to give advice here without really knowing why she is dragging her feet. All I can say is to be understanding, and when you ask her, ask her in the right way, in a concerned for HER way, not in a concerned for your home budget way. You won't get real answers by pushing or bullying in your words. (I don't know that you are doing that, but I know it has been done to me without any intention from the person asking, it just had to do with how they came off, and how they worded questions)


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

woodstock said:


> I understand you had a plan, and she agreed to it, but that was a plan made 8 years ago, and BEFORE she had the experience of being home then thinking of going back.
> 
> I think your best bet is to sit down with her and talk to her.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the thoughtfull reply.I have already done everything that you mentioned and she always agrees and says she will start looking.

this seems to be a pattern with her there have been many things she agrees to then changes her mind and ruins our plans.

as a matter of fact she was adament that she did not want children when we first got married and we bought a house that took two incomes then when she turned 35 she came to me saying she wanted to have children. and I said well we need your income to keep our lifestyle and she said she was always going to be a working woman then she cried everyday about how she misses our children and somebody else was raising them (daycare) and when the company she was working for started to lay people off she asked if she could be laid off.

she just seems selfish to me its all about her getting her way.and I'm starting to think I can't trust anything she says.

very frustrating.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

What she thought or believed in the past is not what she does now... and that is TOTALLY normal.. we grow and change our perspective every day...

Now you say you have done all the talking and she agrees she needs to work, BUT what were here answers as to her why's? is it anxiety/fear or does she just not want to work? What are the reasons? the REAL reasons, and if you don't know them yet, then you need to really get down to that with her in a way where she trusts there will be no judgements. THEN you can really work a game plan to make it happen (provided it isn't just not wanting to work) but even then,. you may find something to work with


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## SaffronPower (Mar 6, 2011)

Yeah she's not understanding the finances. You've taken good care of things and YOU realize you can't keep up with the bills but she is not getting it.

Anyone trying to make money on Avon or sewing has no idea 90 percent of what she earns goes back in gas, car maintenance, materials etc. Hell you'd probably make money if she cut that stupid crap out. 

Anyways you have some work cut out for you. You have been shielding your wife from an essential fact of life. You must earn more then you consume. She needs to know all the expenses and realize you getting a 2nd job to make up for the shortfall is NOT an option. You have a right to be a parent as well.

She's gotten the kids to an age where they need to be more indepenent anyway. It's time for her to grow up and get a real job and help out. She's skirting the issue because in the past you've let her get her own way, haven't you Mr? You're not blameless. *wags a finger*

Time to tell your spoiled wife to get a job. 

I would explain that the marriage feels lopsided. Take some blame for not making her stick to your "plans" before. But let it be known you're not getting walked over again. The thought that you have to get a 2nd job really kills me and shows how selfish she is being. Wake her up!


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

SaffronPower said:


> Yeah she's not understanding the finances. You've taken good care of things and YOU realize you can't keep up with the bills but she is not getting it.
> 
> Anyone trying to make money on Avon or sewing has no idea 90 percent of what she earns goes back in gas, car maintenance, materials etc. Hell you'd probably make money if she cut that stupid crap out.
> 
> ...


Prior work in high level administration would tell most people that she does, in fact, understand finances, and I happen to know 3 separate couples that now rely on (and do well relying on) the wife's avaon sales that started as a side thing and now nets over 75K for the family (good after the man got laid off). So... It's not hard to do more than break even.(it is hard work to make it money MAKING but you can break even easy)

Just to say you assume she does not understand the finances, kinda makes you sound condescending, not to mention ummm... many women would assume from that comment that you are a jerky face


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## SaffronPower (Mar 6, 2011)

woodstock...

I know professionals that can't get a credit card because they can't pay their bills on time. Just because they can earn a lot or have a "high level" job doesn't mean they have a financial clue.

I don't believe anyone makes money in Avon except a few district managers. I have a number of friends who do Avon, Pampered Chef etc. When they really count up the numbers they don't even make a dollar an hour. For most people it makes no financial sense.

I thought I'd be kind and say she just doesn't understand. Actually I think she's lazy and taking this guy for a ride. Did you read all the thread?

I mean he could be portraying it wrong. I'm just dealing with the facts presented.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

SaffronPower said:


> woodstock...
> 
> I know professionals that can't get a credit card because they can't pay their bills on time. Just because they can earn a lot or have a "high level" job doesn't mean they have a financial clue.
> 
> ...


Well then the situation is obviously not somethig you have ever faced and you are making baseless assumptions

chillymorn... any advice or words I give are based on somewhat on my own current experience as a single mom facing a soon to be career move that will take me into a world I am unsure of and away rom my child which is a struggle.

Without knowing your wife's reasons I cannot know for sure if I can relate or not. I just know that being in the situation now, it is far different than I would have assumed before I was here and was stilling willing to make baseless judgements on someone in the position like some people here.

As with any relationship issue, the key is truly proper communication. She may be afraid of your judgements should she express certain concerns (just a guess based again on personal experience). I am lucky enough to have concerned and understanding support systems from people "in the know" so to speak, so my transition is easier and I am more comfortable vocalizing my concerns in my situation.

From what you keep saying, that your wife simply says she will try then doesn't, all I can see is that you don't have the whole story from her side and that there is much more to it, unless your wife is what you would call a person who goes as deep as a puddle from a spring drizzle. Since you are still married and not talking divorce, I will assume you think more of her than that.

Laziness is a lazy assumption. Go deeper, but do so in a way where you are not placing judgement or anything other than concern. Really try to find out what the real problem is, then, like I said, there are OMG so many options you can take based on the REAL issue. I would be more than happy to share some of the proffessional support networks i have been introduced to which I am sure are available in your area as well, but I cannot even point you in a direction without more than "she just doesn't try".


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I don't know as there's a way to motivate someone to do any of this. It's not laziness or depression or any of those other convenient handles. It's goddamn entitlement. Period. I am sure my wife would watch the sheriff cart off everything we own before she got off her butt and get a paying job. Paying for stuff isn't her thing.


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## OoiTsumi (Sep 18, 2010)

In the 8 years, you haven't made it to a point in your career to not require your wife to work? Now if that was the agreement before, I guess she was fine having a husband who needs the help of his wife to make a family work and that's on her. On the other hand, peoples minds do change, especially being faced with the actual situation. 

If she is suggesting that you get 2 jobs think about it, is your financial situation so desperate that getting a 2nd job is required? If not, then a 2nd income must not be that imporant/needed. So then if that's the case, why are you pushing her to work? Is is perhaps jealously and resentment that you have had to work all this time and she hasn't? Well, not to burst your bubble but with most men that isn't a choice. Besides, no good man would have those feelings from supporting his wife and family.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

OoiTsumi said:


> In the 8 years, you haven't made it to a point in your career to not require your wife to work? Now if that was the agreement before, I guess she was fine having a husband who needs the help of his wife to make a family work and that's on her. On the other hand, peoples minds do change, especially being faced with the actual situation.
> 
> If she is suggesting that you get 2 jobs think about it, is your financial situation so desperate that getting a 2nd job is required? If not, then a 2nd income must not be that imporant/needed. So then if that's the case, why are you pushing her to work? Is is perhaps jealously and resentment that you have had to work all this time and she hasn't? Well, not to burst your bubble but with most men that isn't a choice. Besides, no good man would have those feelings from supporting his wife and family.



your insulting me with your attitude.

Out of all the friends we have they are all two income families thats just the way it is now days.

I guess in your mind only her happiness is important I was under the impression that a marriage is a team effort.and both should strive for each others goals.

pull your head out of your a-- wipe the s--- out of your eyes and look aroud.


before you judge what kind of man I am.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

women please explain this I can just change my mind mentality
with no reguard to your spouse attitude.

do you think your entiled for some reason?

This is real life not some fairy tale. I'm starting to think I would have been better off never getting married in the first place.Whats next....... I never really liked sex that much so we arn't going to have sex or make love.


With an attitude like that I'd rather be single.


I know not all women are like that but there are a bunch like that thats for sure.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> women please explain this I can just change my mind mentality
> with no reguard to your spouse attitude.
> 
> do you think your entiled for some reason?
> ...


You sound like you think she chose to just change her mind. I would think it is more like her entire life changed when she gave up her career, her identity in the work place, and much of herself to stay home and take care of two children. Our mentality, as you call it, is set by our experience, our life. It is not exactly uncommon for your ideas and mentality to change when your life changes....

Again, you have yet to relay here exactly what her reasons are, but yet you say you have discussed all of that with her... I am thinking you are missing her perspective completely and attempting to assume that after so many years at home, being little more than "mom" that she is the exact same person she was as the administrator in business.....

I was ready to take your side when it seemed you were actually concerned about her, and finding out what is really going on, but now you are kinda loosing me.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

For my part, I'd not care either way if the woman I put through law school full time (not at night) ever got a job. So far it's been more than a quarter century and nothing. But that's neither here nor there. We live a rather spartan life. Never taken an actual vacation in decades. Don't go out to eat or the movies, don't shop, our cars are old. But I don't really care. What bothers me is the shrew never hesitates to piss and moan and whine about money. Roof over everyone's head, 3 kids in college with zero school loans. I'm holding my end of the deal up. If she wants a new fur coat for every day of the week, gold teeth and skydiving lessons in Scotland she can figure out how to pay for that. Beyond that shut up and sit down please.


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## SaffronPower (Mar 6, 2011)

chillymorn I know you're frustrated but you can solve this with your wife I'm sure of it. If you didn't care you wouldn't be here.

It seems like you have some anger over the "you guys make a plan" and then she doesn't go through with the plan. 

You really do need to find out why that's going on. If she always gets things her way then it's not really a partnership. You've already mentioined that you know it's hard to jump back into the workforce. But if she makes no calls or makes no movement towards a job even though it's been agreed she needs to work. I'm at a loss.

Do you think you can both go to a few marriage counseling sessions for this specific issue?


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## OoiTsumi (Sep 18, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> women please explain this I can just change my mind mentality
> with no reguard to your spouse attitude.
> 
> do you think your entiled for some reason?
> ...


These feelings of entitlement that your whining about, come from the fact that not only in the human race but in nature also, females choose period. Females choose their male mates from the fittest with the ability to provide. What's fairy tale thinking is the fact that you think a woman would stay with a man who provides less then another. As I've said men are hunters and women choosers, and if you aren't able to do what men should be able to without relying on your woman then she may become pray to a superior male. As far as a 50-50 .. I can help you out with that. She bore your children which is something you can never do and now you provide that's something you should do. If your failing that's your short comings not hers. She had the family as the woman and now you provide for it as the man.

As for your friends, you aren't them and neither is she. Those women may be fine having men who need to rely on them, but obviously your wife isnt. If you want to compare her to wives that work, finsh the comparison that while that's true for some, there's also men who don't and would never ask his wife to work. So as simple as you can say some women work, she can say other men provide enough so she doesn't have to.

Simply put, be a man or step aside and lose to a better one.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

AHH and don't forget humans are the only species to effectively deny all sense of instinct, arrange their environment to suit their needs and defy all sense of "nature" in our being... GOOD LORD ooi... REALLY?

Every relationship has it's own dynamic that works, and every relationship grows and changes with time, and KIDS so you have to readjust your expectations and your being as life changes.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

OoiTsumi said:


> These feelings of entitlement that your whining about, come from the fact that not only in the human race but in nature also, females choose period. Females choose their male mates from the fittest with the ability to provide. What's fairy tale thinking is the fact that you think a woman would stay with a man who provides less then another. As I've said men are hunters and women choosers, and if you aren't able to do what men should be able to without relying on your woman then she may become pray to a superior male. As far as a 50-50 .. I can help you out with that. She bore your children which is something you can never do and now you provide that's something you should do. If your failing that's your short comings not hers. She had the family as the woman and now you provide for it as the man.
> 
> As for your friends, you aren't them and neither is she. Those women may be fine having men who need to rely on them, but obviously your wife isnt. If you want to compare her to wives that work, finsh the comparison that while that's true for some, there's also men who don't and would never ask his wife to work. So as simple as you can say some women work, she can say other men provide enough so she doesn't have to.
> 
> Simply put, be a man or step aside and lose to a better one.


your assuming a seperior male would want her.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

She's gotten comfortable with the status quo and doesn't want a job - period. Reason she's hinted at you taking a second job.

Can't motivate her to work outside the home, she has to want it and motivate herself.

Who handles the finances?

If you do, then cut off anything that is NOT absolutely necessary - getting her hair/nails done, clothes for her (not the kids), special treats, etc. Tell her that there is NO money for them. If she wants them bad enough, she'll get up off her butt and get a job. If not, then at least you know she truly does have NO intention on getting one.

Is this a deal breaker?

If so, then sit her down and tell her so.

Good luck.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> I don't know as there's a way to motivate someone to do any of this. It's not laziness or depression or any of those other convenient handles. It's goddamn entitlement. Period. I am sure my wife would watch the sheriff cart off everything we own before she got off her butt and get a paying job. Paying for stuff isn't her thing.


Damn! 

With all your post(s), it sounds like your wife sucks big time!

Why are you still there?

Just asking...


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> Wife got laid off when our first child was 3. we decided to have another child and figured that 2 children in day care was costing us a very large part of her income.
> 
> We made drastic lifestyle changes so she could be a SAHM.Which I believe was fantastic for our children they do fantastic in school and mom enjoyed being a mom to the tenth degree.
> 
> ...


Step 1: Get a home equity loan and pay off the credit card. You almost CERTAINLY will get a lower rate and a lower monthly payment.



> I don't know I'm just feeling some stress about all this
> 
> So am I a bastard for wanting my wife to get back to work!!!!


No way! BUT it sounds like there is room for compromise. How would it be if she DID get a part time job, allowing her to be home with the kids when they get home from school? Or perhaps she can have a flex schedule where one of you gets them to school and the other is home when they arrive home. But we don't even know if that is the crux of the issue. 

There is nothing wrong with your being uncomfortable with the financial situation. But I would ask you what are her "excuses"? You classify them as such, but for her they may be real reasons that need to be overcome. 

I would sit down and write a letter. Sometimes a letter will be taken more seriously. Write about your concerns. Ask for input into ways to solve the concerns. Take a step back from harping on her getting a job. It is likely the best option. But do the due diligence and explore whether or not there might be more options to consider. It will be useful in engendering her cooperation rather than resistance even if the final decision is for her to return to work.

If that does not bear any fruit, I would seriously suggest a marriage counselor BEFORE years of this create resentment and all sorts of other bad feelings develop that need to be raked through. Get her to see how this is stressing you out NOW before it gets worse.

Good luck!


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> She's gotten comfortable with the status quo and doesn't want a job - period. Reason she's hinted at you taking a second job.
> 
> Can't motivate her to work outside the home, she has to want it and motivate herself.
> 
> ...


This sounds harsh, but it is not a bad idea. I had to do that to un-bury us from a former financial disaster a few years ago.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

OoiTsumi said:


> In the 8 years, you haven't made it to a point in your career to not require your wife to work? Now if that was the agreement before, I guess she was fine having a husband who needs the help of his wife to make a family work and that's on her. On the other hand, peoples minds do change, especially being faced with the actual situation.
> 
> If she is suggesting that you get 2 jobs think about it, is your financial situation so desperate that getting a 2nd job is required? If not, then a 2nd income must not be that imporant/needed. So then if that's the case, why are you pushing her to work? Is is perhaps jealously and resentment that you have had to work all this time and she hasn't? Well, not to burst your bubble but with most men that isn't a choice. Besides, no good man would have those feelings from supporting his wife and family.


I disagree BIG TIME.

Doesn't matter if times have changed, she's gotten older, etc. She AGREED to a plan and now doesn't want to uphold her end of it.

She's gotten used to staying at home and doing what she wants, when she wants (kids are now 12 and 8, they take care of themselves more than she does) and doesn't want to upset the applecart. 

And SO WHAT if he's jealous and has resentment towards her? Why not, they've living paycheck-to-paycheck while he works a full-time job and he's not supposed to request that she help out, especially when she agreed to when they started out on this journey?

I'd have resentment too if I was working my butt off trying to meet the mortgage, bills, food, etc., and my wife refused to get a job and help out - he's right - they're BOTH on this team. Just because he's the man it's not his JOB to be the sole supporter of the family. She's a part of the family too and if they're having issues with meeting expenses and living paycheck-to-paycheck, I would think she would WANT to help out and ease the burden on her husband, not add to it.

Instead, she suggests a second job! Selfish, self-centered and lazy - I would have never burdened my husband with working a second job, I'd get up off my butt and get one myself to help out, not suggest HE start working more.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

OoiTsumi said:


> In the 8 years, you haven't made it to a point in your career to not require your wife to work? Now if that was the agreement before, I guess she was fine having a husband who needs the help of his wife to make a family work and that's on her. On the other hand, peoples minds do change, especially being faced with the actual situation.
> 
> If she is suggesting that you get 2 jobs think about it, is your financial situation so desperate that getting a 2nd job is required? If not, then a 2nd income must not be that imporant/needed.


That makes no sense. Most kids are in school SEVEN hours a day. That is nearly a full times worth of hours. He should deny himself his time with his children so that she can be unoccupied for SEVEN HOURS every day? 

Seven hours a day is simply not necessary to keep house. And if she is to resume work, one would imagine OP would step up his contribution to the house keep.




> So then if that's the case, why are you pushing her to work? Is is perhaps jealously and resentment that you have had to work all this time and she hasn't? Well, not to burst your bubble but with most men that isn't a choice. Besides, no good man would have those feelings from supporting his wife and family.


Bchyah.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> That makes no sense. Most kids are in school SEVEN hours a day. That is nearly a full times worth of hours. He should deny himself his time with his children so that she can be unoccupied for SEVEN HOURS every day?
> 
> Seven hours a day is simply not necessary to keep house. And if she is to resume work, one would imagine OP would step up his contribution to the house keep.
> 
> Bchyah.


I knew you'd get 'em - I already did! :smthumbup:


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> This sounds harsh, but it is not a bad idea. I had to do that to un-bury us from a former financial disaster a few years ago.


If nothing else works - sometimes you gotta play hard ball...


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> If nothing else works - sometimes you gotta play hard ball...


Been there, done that. He was PISSED. I printed out the budget and handed it to him and asked what he wanted me NOT to pay? He had demonstrated time and again that he had no self control. We did not have unlimited minutes on cell. He would ALWAYS go over. This chit chatting with friends on the drive home when he could have picked up the phone when he got home. He had a meter on the phone and would just ignore it. If there was a piece of rock climbing or outdoor gear he wanted, he could easily spend his ENTIRE pay check on it.

He was pissed that I was treating him like a child with an allowance. I just looked at him. I asked how would you classify your actions with regard to this? Mature? He finally agreed as he saw the debt numbers go down and we were able to actually FIX our cars when they broke, that my way had worked. Now he no longer requires an external discipline but is completely self disciplined.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Damn!
> 
> With all your post(s), it sounds like your wife sucks big time!
> 
> ...


Little to no self esteem? Financial complications? A delusional hope despite all factual evidence to the contrary? And deep seated belief that at this point I am profoundly ruined for any normal relationship with anyone else.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> women please explain this I can just change my mind mentality
> with no reguard to your spouse attitude.
> 
> do you think your entiled for some reason?
> ...


Go into discussions with an attitude like that and you are going to get some big time resentment and defensiveness.

You may note that the women here, so far, have been both agreeing with you and trying to help you. 

I will call attention to your calling her reasons "excuses". Now you post what amounts to 'tude about entitlement.

Yes, it is possible that your wife is just lazy. If that is the case, you are going to need limit setting and/or counseling.

But let's step back a minute and take what you have told us. She doesn't want to go back to work. But you have not told us WHY. You categorized her reasons as excuses. She may well be telling all the information you need to know to motivate her back to work with her reasons. So don't just dismiss them as excuses. LISTEN to them.

And rather than getting resentful and b!tchy, why not use your rationality and SOLVE THE PROBLEM. The problem is that you are financially insecure. Demonstrate you value her contribution by working the problem with her. Start with something like

- concern for the financial instability, problems with cars and house, lack of emergency savings, lack of higher education savings if that is the case.
- possible read the book Total Money Makeover.
- Discuss the stress you are feeling.
- LISTEN to her reasons for not going back to work. Work to meet her needs as well. If she feels it is important to be there when the kids get home from school, for example, maybe she can get a local part time job during school hours. As I said, maybe you can stagger your hours... 

No matter that YOU feel that the correct answer is for to return to work, that won't solve your problem. Rather than try and make a square peg fit in a round hole by controlling your wife, SOLVE THE PROBLEM.

In the PROCESS of solving the problem, dollars gets you donuts you wind up motivating her back to work. But in a constructive, team based effort not a Though Shalt Work attitude.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> Little to no self esteem? Financial complications? A delusional hope despite all factual evidence to the contrary? And deep seated belief that at this point I am profoundly ruined for any normal relationship with anyone else.


Sad, sad.

I feel for you, I really do.

I COULD NOT and WOULD NOT stay in a marriage where I didn't love my spouse, no matter what. Dumped #1 for that reason (even with an 18 month old).

Remember...you only have ONE life to live, there are no do-overs.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> Been there, done that. He was PISSED. I printed out the budget and handed it to him and asked what he wanted me NOT to pay? He had demonstrated time and again that he had no self control. We did not have unlimited minutes on cell. He would ALWAYS go over. This chit chatting with friends on the drive home when he could have picked up the phone when he got home. He had a meter on the phone and would just ignore it. If there was a piece of rock climbing or outdoor gear he wanted, he could easily spend his ENTIRE pay check on it.
> 
> He was pissed that I was treating him like a child with an allowance. I just looked at him. I asked how would you classify your actions with regard to this? Mature? He finally agreed as he saw the debt numbers go down and we were able to actually FIX our cars when they broke, that my way had worked. Now he no longer requires an external discipline but is completely self disciplined.


Been there...hubby did something similar (but a little less harsh) to me, opened my eyes up - no more financial issues (at least not from me).


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## SaffronPower (Mar 6, 2011)

Instead, she suggests a second job! Selfish, self-centered and lazy - I would have never burdened my husband with working a second job, I'd get up off my butt and get one myself to help out, not suggest HE start working more. [/QUOTE]

*applauds*


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

WS,
Go read your posts. They are all about how his Wife "feels". Children act on "feelings" adults are expected to act on practical needs. She is entitled to talk about her fears, and her desires. That said she is OBLIGATED to be part of the solution. And that means either:
- Committing to earning a minimum dollar amount via a home business - Avon or anything else. OR
- Committing to getting a job that produces an equivalent income

As PART of that equation she may offer to sit down and work out a reduced spending level so that her income generation needs are lower. But repeatedly agreeing to a plan and then ignoring it is toxic to a relationship. 

Her unspoken PLAN is simply to place ALL the financial stress of the family on her H. And that isn't even close to fair. 

As for "plans" changing, I agree. Plans can and do change. That said the person wanting the change needs to start by acknowledging that they now want to modify the original agreement. As part of that conversation they need to bring something to the table in addition to their "feelings". That might be a commitment to spend less. Or to work from home. Whatever it IS, it should NOT be a series of empty promises that erode trust. 





woodstock said:


> Prior work in high level administration would tell most people that she does, in fact, understand finances, and I happen to know 3 separate couples that now rely on (and do well relying on) the wife's avaon sales that started as a side thing and now nets over 75K for the family (good after the man got laid off). So... It's not hard to do more than break even.(it is hard work to make it money MAKING but you can break even easy)
> 
> Just to say you assume she does not understand the finances, kinda makes you sound condescending, not to mention ummm... many women would assume from that comment that you are a jerky face


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

A great big thanks to all who responded.

MEM, your post was a big help espically the part about how adults act based on pratical needs and not feelings.

We had this disscussion last night and she is either going to show me how much she makes between Avon/sewing or I am not going to let her have access to my checking account.

Now if she is making enough between the two and we can come up with an acceptable budget then all will be well if not then I will have no choice but to play hardball so to speak.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

hey i am not saying she does not need to be part of the solution, I am simply pointing out that it is likely the problem is not quite so surface and until you find out what the problem IS how can you find a solution to it? Find out what HER real problem is, the you help her find a solution to that which will in turn create a solution to the job issue.... Start from the bottom and go up... Doesn't do much good to fix the roof on the house if the foundation ain't holding...

HRM... here I thought that was common sense. IF the OP would post his wife's actual responses to the questions he says he has asked... then it would be much easier to give him advice to go back to her with that would point her in the right direction, but there is not even an indication if she is looking to go back to her old job or if she is thinking she needs something different, since you know, 8 years can make ya think a little differently?

An unspoken plan made 8 years ago? REally? WOW I don't have the same plan for my week that I started out with on sunday LMAO


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## OoiTsumi (Sep 18, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> I knew you'd get 'em - I already did! :smthumbup:


"Get" who? Yourselves? If you don't like my post just delude it like you do your lives. That might help. Now if you actually want to have an intelligent discussion, I'd be glad to. Until then continue fighting with yourselves.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Thank you MWIL and Mom. I almost lost faith in women till you two came along


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

woodstock said:


> hey i am not saying she does not need to be part of the solution, I am simply pointing out that it is likely the problem is not quite so surface and until you find out what the problem IS how can you find a solution to it? Find out what HER real problem is, the you help her find a solution to that which will in turn create a solution to the job issue.... Start from the bottom and go up... Doesn't do much good to fix the roof on the house if the foundation ain't holding...
> 
> HRM... here I thought that was common sense. IF the OP would post his wife's actual responses to the questions he says he has asked... then it would be much easier to give him advice to go back to her with that would point her in the right direction, but there is not even an indication if she is looking to go back to her old job or if she is thinking she needs something different, since you know, 8 years can make ya think a little differently?
> 
> An unspoken plan made 8 years ago? REally? WOW I don't have the same plan for my week that I started out with on sunday LMAO


It wasn't an unspoken plan.It was discussed at lenght and sacrifices were made so we could accomplish a goal of our children. having mom around when they needed.

you keep beating a dead horse ......find out what really is bothering her.......I asked and she agrees she needs to go back but then she drags her heels. I not a mind reader and quite frankly I don't wan't to be. If she can't tell me whats up then its on her.and she'll have to deal with the outcome.

we are adults and she should act like one.

if she thinks a little different after 8 yrs. Just anit gone a fly.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Kobo said:


> Thank you MWIL and Mom. I almost lost faith in women till you two came along


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

OoiTsumi said:


> "Get" who? Yourselves? If you don't like my post just delude it like you do your lives. That might help. Now if you actually want to have an intelligent discussion, I'd be glad to. Until then continue fighting with yourselves.


just some food for thought..

with your abrasive attitude not much can sink in.


good luck


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> It wasn't an unspoken plan.It was discussed at lenght and sacrifices were made so we could accomplish a goal of our children. having mom around when they needed.
> 
> you keep beating a dead horse ......find out what really is bothering her.......I asked and she agrees she needs to go back but then she drags her heels. I not a mind reader and quite frankly I don't wan't to be. If she can't tell me whats up then its on her.and she'll have to deal with the outcome.
> 
> ...


OK asks her what the real problem is... how is "she agrees she needs to go back to work" an answer to that question? It sounds to me like you are not giving her a chance to tell you what is really wrong or offering to be a nonjudgemental party. Basically you are being an unconcerned insensitive arse.... If you went to her being OPEN and CARING and CONCERNED and offering SUPPORT and UNDERSTANDING... you might actually get somewhere, meanwhile if this is how you are acting with her, you are headed towards a depressed wife, a resentful you and probably a divorce within 3 years... just guessing

Are you telling me you are the same exact person you were 8 years ago? you think completely the same about everything in your life? WOW umm that's pretty sad


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

woodstock said:


> OK asks her what the real problem is... how is "she agrees she needs to go back to work" an answer to that question? It sounds to me like you are not giving her a chance to tell you what is really wrong or offering to be a nonjudgemental party. Basically you are being an unconcerned insensitive arse.... If you went to her being OPEN and CARING and CONCERNED and offering SUPPORT and UNDERSTANDING... you might actually get somewhere, meanwhile if this is how you are acting with her, you are headed towards a depressed wife, a resentful you and probably a divorce within 3 years... just guessing
> 
> Are you telling me you are the same exact person you were 8 years ago? you think completely the same about everything in your life? WOW umm that's pretty sad


listen I offered to send her to school to be retrained in a field of her choice. she didn't like that option. I offered for her just to work during the school year and then quit for summer.Still not good enough.

you just read want you want into the situation.

quite frankly you sound a lot like her.......selfish


as far as if i'm the exact person I was 8yrs ago.......no I'm much better looking with a little gray.....But I do still keep my word especially to my loved ones.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

woodstock said:


> OK asks her what the real problem is... how is "she agrees she needs to go back to work" an answer to that question? It sounds to me like you are not giving her a chance to tell you what is really wrong or offering to be a nonjudgemental party. Basically you are being an unconcerned insensitive arse.... If you went to her being OPEN and CARING and CONCERNED and offering SUPPORT and UNDERSTANDING... you might actually get somewhere, meanwhile if this is how you are acting with her, you are headed towards a depressed wife, a resentful you and probably a divorce within 3 years... just guessing
> 
> Are you telling me you are the same exact person you were 8 years ago? you think completely the same about everything in your life? WOW umm that's pretty sad


I have always aproched this subject openly,careling and supportive. now I'm on to bigger things and if divorce is in the future then so be it. I'm a big boy and can take care of myself

putting up with a selfish spouse who expects you to read her mind and then agreeing to something and never acting on it gets old so if my frustration comes out in some of my post then I'm sorry..... Not really.

you seem to think its ok to decieve your spouce and do what ever you want. I think being an adult and comunicating your feelings are up to each person. thats how miscomuniactions happens by hoping that some how they will just know whats in your mind then acting passive agressive when it don't go your way .you know the way you failed to comunicate in the first place.


are we still in high school or are we adults who can express their feelings.


what if she expressed she never wants to go back just because she is nervious or because she likes doing avon/sewing.

then I guess I should say well I understand and lick my wounds. or I could get her some professional help.or I could be a real man and get a second job.

some thing in life are difficult and going back to work after a long time off is one of them.

I have offered to buy her some new cloths so she will feel good about her self and self confident.

Its painfully obvious that she is dragging her heels out of selfishness.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

It's not deception. I am telling you this only because I believe your W is facing some of the same things I am facing. She needs a job couch/counselor which is available through alumni groups if she went to college and also through almost ALL state unemployment offices. She needs to sit down with someone and make a plan based on what she wants, what she is qualified for still (not likely to be qualified for old job, yet over qualified for many others) what time she will have available assuming it sounds like the kids will still be HER responsibility when sick or off school.

It's not about clothes, that's just dumb, and it's not sefishness, hell she is probably adding guilt to everything else involved with her emotions and probably depression (or soon to be depression if no one bothers to see there is more to it than surface crap).

you wanna be nice, find her someone more helpful she can talk to about the real issues from her perspective (not having to battle the perceived issues coming from others).

the emotions are not easy to communicate nor are they easy to define. It is extremely confusing and scary and harder still when you know the person you are telling is not even going to try to understand BEEN THERE! Thank god it's only family I have to just ignore and not my SO (who may not understand my situation, but at least pretends to)


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

BTW when you asked her about school did you say "Look! I will send you to school for anything you want, just name it" or did you bring home a catalogue from a local school and sit down nice with her and say. "hey, lets take a look at this together and see what they have to offer, maybe something will strike your fancy"


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> listen I offered to send her to school to be retrained in a field of her choice. she didn't like that option. I offered for her just to work during the school year and then quit for summer.Still not good enough.


I have sort of lost the plot here on this thread overall. But the one thing I am not seeing is what she says she does want. 

When she raises objections, what are their content? I think that would shed some light.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

Mom6547 said:


> I have sort of lost the plot here on this thread overall. But the one thing I am not seeing is what she says she does want.
> 
> When she raises objections, what are their content? I think that would shed some light.


Lots of things would shed some light on this one!


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> I have sort of lost the plot here on this thread overall. But the one thing I am not seeing is what she says she does want.
> 
> When she raises objections, what are their content? I think that would shed some light.


thats just it she dosn't give any objections.

She agrees with me.and she say I really like just staying home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> thats just it she dosn't give any objections.
> 
> She agrees with me.and she say I really like just staying home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Oh. That's frustrating. But... I don't get this... if you can afford to send her to college, why are you having financial problems? IS this is a financial problem? Or is this an equity problem? Don't get me wrong, I think an equity problem is a real problem. But one must understand the problem before one can solve it.

I sense a great deal of resentment in you. Resentment is a force for clouding of issues and causes people not to be able to see problems that need solving.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> thats just it she dosn't give any objections.
> 
> She agrees with me.and she say I really like just staying home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


She keeps saying she agrees, yet you also keep saying that you are asking or have asked all the questions mentioned here. Agreeing is not an answer to the questions... If you can give answers to even SOME of the questions then maybe advice can be offered. 

When you ask why she hasn't done anything, what is her response? When you mention her not sticking to the plan, what does she say? Does she have excuses? reasons? or is she really 15 and sites there shrugging her shoulders going "I dunno"


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

BTW... if she says "I really just like staying home" then really she is NOT agreeing with you that she should be out getting a job... I wonder about that...


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> Oh. That's frustrating. But... I don't get this... if you can afford to send her to college, why are you having financial problems? IS this is a financial problem? Or is this an equity problem? Don't get me wrong, I think an equity problem is a real problem. But one must understand the problem before one can solve it.
> 
> I sense a great deal of resentment in you. Resentment is a force for clouding of issues and causes people not to be able to see problems that need solving.


one of the perks where I work is free schooling for my family. Thats why I have stayed in a job where I'm kind of stuck in a position with little to no chance of advancement.

free colledge for my 2 sons whats that worth?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

woodstock said:


> BTW... if she says "I really just like staying home" then really she is NOT agreeing with you that she should be out getting a job... I wonder about that...


She first says I know I know and agrees then she come back with But I really like staying home.

Who wouldn't.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

woodstock said:


> BTW... if she says "I really just like staying home" then really she is NOT agreeing with you that she should be out getting a job... I wonder about that...


Should and like are two different things. I'd LIKE to stay home. But our 15 year old car needs to be replaced. We have doors on the house that you have to open really gingerly so they don't fall off their hinges... Ergo I SHOULD go back to work.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> She first says I know I know and agrees then she come back with But I really like staying home.
> 
> Who wouldn't.


Umm, most women do NOT want to stay home!!!! It's torture!! AND it's harder and more stressful than working!

Anyway, did you ever try asking what is about staying home that she likes? I know you assume it's because all us stay at home moms sit around watching TV and all, but what's HER reason? AND I highly doubt that is really it because well, IT SUCKS TO BE STUCK AT HOME! 

Also, if that is the case, they what about a discussion on school from home (90% of my AA was online tough a local school) as a means towards the ends of working FROM home? If she has enjoyed the kid experience, what about opening up her daytime hours for child care? Teachers kids would be perfect (that's what my own mom did till we were old enough to be home alone after school for a couple of hours)

you are working with such surface stuff here, and I guarantee there is a LOT more to it. That is what you have to find out, BUT she is never going to open up to you about anything real if she is facing your judgement or resentment... something to think about


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> one of the perks where I work is free schooling for my family. Thats why I have stayed in a job where I'm kind of stuck in a position with little to no chance of advancement.
> 
> free colledge for my 2 sons whats that worth?


Sweet! I got a free education. I understand the value of not having those student loans.

So it seems that the situation you face is she is not motivating herself based on the needs of the family but based on what she *wants* which is, seemingly, to do nothing. 

I would grant her that there is value to the family to being there when the kids get home from school or something. But I just like staying home? When you are in something short of financial security? Not. I would bet YOU would "want to stay home".

The unfortunate truth is you cannot MAKE her DO something. If it were me, I would get a copy of Total Money Makeover. Read it. Develop an AUSTERE budget. (This is after you go to the bank and get that home equity loan to lower your monthly payment and get a lower rate.) Make sure she feels some of the austerity. When you read Total Money Makeover, you will see he advocates paying things in cash. By having envelope budget with cash in it, she does not have access to a debit or credit card. When the grocery money is gone, it is gone. If the car is not fixed, then there is no money in the budget for clothing. There is NO money in the budget for any frivolity.

Also consider canceling internet. Presumably you have access at work. Maybe you can spend an extra 1/2 hour a day doing whatever home related stuff you need to do; check email, use your calendar, Quicken, whatever... The IDEA is it is part of getting out of the debt and reaching financial security through emergency savings and whatnot. One less payment. But it has an added benefit. If she is at home all day with the kids in school, dollars gets you donuts she is spending a fair amount of time on the internet. Keep that little nugget to yourself. One less bill to pay equals one more dollar to throw at your debt snowball. 

The goal of this advice is two-pronged.

1. You protect YOU, chillymorn, from this stressful financial insecurity by the means available to you, such as they are. You can't MAKE her, but you can take care of you. IF this ever becomes a deal breaker for you, your situation will be sweeter than sugar come that time. 

2. The hope would be that as she feels the austerity that is necessary to reach financial security, she will be more motivated to get out there. When she can't spend the day surfing the 'net, when she is opening the grocery envelope and scraping out the remaining bills to buy the grocs... Hopefully SHE will begin to feel the stress of the financial insecurity that YOU are already feeling. 

Oh one other measure comes to mind. Let the pieces of her car start falling off. Fix your car first. You HAVE to get to work.. That measure may not work for you if it impacts the kids. Just a thought.

So this two pronged approach, take care of you and set, hopefully effective, limits MAY work. May give her a wake up call.

Good luck to you!


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

woodstock said:


> Umm, most women do NOT want to stay home!!!! It's torture!! AND it's harder and more stressful than working!


With two kids in school? That's a total load. Than GOD I got a job.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

One more thing to think about... maybe its not staying home that she likes, but rather being there for the kids, keeping a close relationship with them, as well as playing a traditional wifey role and keeping house cooking and all that good stuff.

Me... I enjoy the idea of being the wifey... I want to create a good home for my hubby and family one day, but there is no way that could be EVERYTHING... I would still need to pursue academic and intellectual challenges, but that's my thing. (and I CAN make money for that believe it or not HAHA) 

Does she go outside much? or is she home except for shopping? could it be a mild agoraphobia?


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

Mom6547 said:


> With two kids in school? That's a total load. Than GOD I got a job.


I could easily fill my day 100% with at home chores, shopping, running kids around, keeping things together at home and I only have one kid. It all depends on how you do it, what your style is and the amount of personal pride you take in that job. I know it is anti-PC to consider staying at home a job to take pride in, but I would. 

At the same time, I am a single mom so there is a lot more to the job cause no one is doing the man chores for me, so maybe if there was a partnership things would be different.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

This is one VERY biased side of a story, which is why I ask so many questions. It is SOOOO obvious there is a LOT missing to the story and quite obvious you are giving her side through your own skewed perception. 

No human is so simple and superficial that the only reason is "but I like to be home". I don't buy it, and I would hope a caring husband wouldn't either. That is more like a teenager's answer to "why don't you go to school". 

So unless you married someone THAT shallow, then there is more to this story. You give her NO credit, and if she really doesn't deserve any, then why are you married to her at all?


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

woodstock said:


> I could easily fill my day 100% with at home chores, shopping, running kids around, keeping things together at home and I only have one kid. It all depends on how you do it, what your style is and the amount of personal pride you take in that job. I know it is anti-PC to consider staying at home a job to take pride in, but I would.


It is not about being PC or not PC. It is about the problem that the family currently faces. Wanting a wifey role is lovely. But right now it looks like they can't afford it.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

YES YES YES

Chilly - the post below is the best advice you have gotten on this thread



Mom6547 said:


> Sweet! I got a free education. I understand the value of not having those student loans.
> 
> So it seems that the situation you face is she is not motivating herself based on the needs of the family but based on what she *wants* which is, seemingly, to do nothing.
> 
> ...


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

I totally disagree. His wife is obviously not being given a voice here nor is she given any credit and suggesting she be punished or forced into doing what he wants is ridiculous. He is completely resentful of her and gives her absolutely zero credit for the life that they have lived together so far. This is fair and makes him a good guy? I don't think so. It sets the marriage up for failure which he has already admitted is OK with him because he can take care of himself.

That's great. Make sure you do that before you reach the 10 year mark because otherwise you'll be paying alimony and child support as the courts WILL value her sacrifice for your family. She will be able to get a job and will go on with her life, taking care of herself and most likely juggling the majority of the child care. Honestly, I think she would be better off without you and your lack of respect for the things she does do. 

If she recognizes that she should be working but says she likes staying home, isn't it possible that after 8 years of staying home she does have many insecurities about returning to work? That she doesn't know naturally where to begin and could use SUPPORT (not financial, by the way) in getting there?

Common sense tells me that is more than likely the case rather than her feeling entitled to living a life of less than wealthy for the chance to be at home.

My husband and I are going through all holy hell right now but this is not one of our issues...thank goodness. I actually read chilly's words and smiled for the first time in a week when thinking of my husband, you know, had a moment of appreciation. He's never under valued my job as a stay at home Mom, ever. In fact, he has often vocalized his appreciation and admiration for my role as a mom. For as much as I drive the man insane and need to work on myself and our relationship, one area that he has always made me feel worthy is my role as Mom, even when I doubted myself. 

Sheesh, Chilly, give the woman a break and recognize that your needs and wants aren't the only one's that matter in this relationship.

Free school is great. Sacrificing your self and your upwardly mobile career to get that free school and then moaning about it is not so great.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Trenton said:


> I totally disagree. His wife is obviously not being given a voice here nor is she given any credit and suggesting she be punished or forced into doing what he wants is ridiculous. He is completely resentful of her and gives her absolutely zero credit for the life that they have lived together so far.


Not "given" a voice? He has asked her repeatedly. She says she just likes to stay home. And how is giving her "credit" going to get the car fixed?



> Sheesh, Chilly, give the woman a break and recognize that your needs and wants aren't the only one's that matter in this relationship.


WHAT?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

T,
No question your H values what you do and respects you for it. 

I wonder though. Is it possible he would be less of a workaholic if he wasn't 100 percent responsible for the financial well being of the family?

He doesn't "under" value what you do. But frankly his very casual attitude about working late, and not having to let you know when he will miss events is linked to an internal belief system of "I NEED to make sure everything goes great at work because everyone depends on me, and I am not going to justify it by calling my W and letting her know I haven't finished working yet, I am just going to "DO IT".

I know he is changing, and that is great. Just recognize that there are difficult tradeoffs to make between money and time. Not everyone handles them the same way.



Trenton said:


> I totally disagree. His wife is obviously not being given a voice here nor is she given any credit and suggesting she be punished or forced into doing what he wants is ridiculous. He is completely resentful of her and gives her absolutely zero credit for the life that they have lived together so far. This is fair and makes him a good guy? I don't think so. It sets the marriage up for failure which he has already admitted is OK with him because he can take care of himself.
> 
> That's great. Make sure you do that before you reach the 10 year mark because otherwise you'll be paying alimony and child support as the courts WILL value her sacrifice for your family. She will be able to get a job and will go on with her life, taking care of herself and most likely juggling the majority of the child care. Honestly, I think she would be better off without you and your lack of respect for the things she does do.
> 
> ...


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> Not "given" a voice? He has asked her repeatedly. She says she just likes to stay home. And how is giving her "credit" going to get the car fixed?
> 
> 
> WHAT?


She also said she agreed with him which tells me that she does recognize what he is saying but doesn't know how to move from beyond there. He can't tell us why she likes staying home and if she can't vocalize it, it's very possible that's because she is doing what she is comfortable with.

WHAT to your WHAT?
Chilly is only moaning about his life, why he has it so rough, how he works so hard, how he could do it on his own and is not afraid to. He even implied no other man would want his wife. Doesn't sound like a man working hard in his relationship, it sounds like a man working hard to justify his anger and resentment and completely discount his wife and you're giving him that free pass.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Trenton said:


> She also said she agreed with him which tells me that she does recognize what he is saying but doesn't know how to move from beyond there. He can't tell us why she likes staying home and if she can't vocalize it, it's very possible that's because she is doing what she is comfortable with.
> 
> WHAT to your WHAT?
> Chilly is only moaning about his life, why he has it so rough, how he works so hard, how he could do it on his own and is not afraid to. He even implied no other man would want his wife. Doesn't sound like a man working hard in his relationship, it sounds like a man working hard to justify his anger and resentment and completely discount his wife and you're giving him that free pass.


Limit setting is one way to work on your relationship.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> T,
> No question your H values what you do and respects you for it.
> 
> I wonder though. Is it possible he would be less of a workaholic if he wasn't 100 percent responsible for the financial well being of the family?
> ...


Strange Mem, but since he's made a conscious decision to change the lateness and call/txt me there's been not one slip up and we're in week three.

I have SO many issues but the work thing, that is _his _very big issue and has little to do with money or being the sole supporter. I believe it is more about passive aggressive control and dealing with resentments (resentments that do not surround our work/home situation but rather my behaviors towards us as a couple and the outside world).

He enjoys being the sole supporter. Is it a large burden? Hell yes! I recognize that but so is being a homemaker and stay at home mom. It's ridiculous that this woman is being so discounted in this thread.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> Limit setting is one way to work on your relationship.


What good is limit setting if he discounts the woman completely and over value's himself?


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Trenton said:


> What good is limit setting if he discounts the woman completely and over value's himself?


You have to read some mighty not present tea leaves to see that as what is going on.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> You have to read some mighty not present tea leaves to see that as what is going on.


So if your husband wrote on a forum that he was so sick of you for (fill in reason) and then went on to explain how much he has scarified and worked and how burdensome it is and didn't value anything about you...even wrote that he'd be fine without you and said that no other man would want you...

Uh...you would come to the conclusion that he valued you and didn't over value himself? It's not reading tea leaves, it's calling a tea leaf a tea leaf when it is a tea leaf.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Trenton said:


> So if your husband wrote on a forum that he was so sick of you for (fill in reason) and then went on to explain how much he has scarified and worked and how burdensome it is and didn't value anything about you...even wrote that he'd be fine without you and said that no other man would want you...


There was a time when that would have been true. And I deserved it. Yes he resents her. But seems to me he has some cause. Getting over the resentment is going to be necessary. But the first step is getting over the cause. I was doing things to CAUSE it. I fixed those things.

I also felt the same about him at one point. I remember being MASSIVELY resentful of my husband treating me as a housekeeper. He did literally NOTHING. Not one domestic thing. I worked full time. He worked part time. Did I VALUE him? Did I say things like, god I want to drop kick this guy like the lazy butt he is? You bet. And there sure would not have been any getting over that resentment if he had not finally stepped up and stopped being a lazy butt.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

I should offer some constructive advice here. In my opinion the only way to motivate your wife to get a job and contribute to the family income is to help her become excited about that possibility. To do that, you have to first appreciate what she will be sacrificing and how hard the transition will be for her. She will be at odds and might feel guilty for not being there for the kids or worry that if the kids get sick she will have to leave her new job. Others have mentioned other typical worries as well.

You can have an open discussion and ask her if these are any of her fears and you can offer that you will be willing to do all the sick calls/pick up/drop off until she is comfortable and stable at her new job.

The point is, there are helpful things you can do. Getting angry, resentful and cutting off her internet is not a way to do anything but allow her to feel even more unsure and confused. It might ignite her anger to equal yours but it won't necessarily get her back to work.

She recognizes it would be a good thing already. She likes staying home. Work with her to expand on these to thoughts. Make it about her and not you. Odds are she does want to talk but feels like you judge and criticize her so she can't really articulate how she feels to you.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

Trenton said:


> I should offer some constructive advice here. In my opinion the only way to motivate your wife to get a job and contribute to the family income is to help her become excited about that possibility. To do that, you have to first appreciate what she will be sacrificing and how hard the transition will be for her. She will be at odds and might feel guilty for not being there for the kids or worry that if the kids get sick she will have to leave her new job. Others have mentioned other typical worries as well.
> 
> You can have an open discussion and ask her if these are any of her fears and you can offer that you will be willing to do all the sick calls/pick up/drop off until she is comfortable and stable at her new job.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> There was a time when that would have been true. And I deserved it. Yes he resents her. But seems to me he has some cause. Getting over the resentment is going to be necessary. But the first step is getting over the cause. I was doing things to CAUSE it. I fixed those things.
> 
> I also felt the same about him at one point. I remember being MASSIVELY resentful of my husband treating me as a housekeeper. He did literally NOTHING. Not one domestic thing. I worked full time. He worked part time. Did I VALUE him? Did I say things like, god I want to drop kick this guy like the lazy butt he is? You bet. And there sure would not have been any getting over that resentment if he had not finally stepped up and stopped being a lazy butt.


I was still calling a tea leaf a tea leaf.

You have no idea from this thread how good of a mother she has been, how involved she's been in their lives or what she does on a day to day basis. In fact, he's very vague about all of these things.

It seems to me you are trying to read the tea leaves here.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

You have no idea of ANYTHING about his wife... NOTHING accept that he thinks very little of her, gives her no credit, no depth, and has obvious never asked or done all the things he says he has (unless he DID in fact marry someone as deep as a tear drop)

I have been trying to get any HINT of what is REALLY going on from the start.... but apparently there is nothing more to it (unless she is invited on to giver HER side... which would almost be amusing to hear at this point, since chillymorn assumes she is pretty barely human)


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Trenton said:


> I was still calling a tea leaf a tea leaf.
> 
> You have no idea from this thread how good of a mother she has been, how involved she's been in their lives or what she does on a day to day basis. In fact, he's very vague about all of these things.


What does any of that have to do with his resentment RIGHT NOW about their falling apart finances?


> It seems to me you are trying to read the tea leaves here.


One of us must be!


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> What does any of that have to do with his resentment RIGHT NOW about their falling apart finances?
> 
> 
> One of us must be!


Pfft and I was hoping you would come over to the dark side.

I think we're both representing perspective extremes possibly. You with Chilly and myself with the non-present wife.

We also have different approaches to things so hence our very varying suggestions.

I do wish he could try both because I am 99.9% certain that shutting off the internet will not do anything but make Chilly feel like he got a jab in at his wife. I don't see it as productive, understanding causing or anger diminishing on either side. In fact, she will begin to build her own bag of resentments and that will be one of them...

"You're an a$$hole! Remember the time you shut off the internet and I couldn't get online to download Mac's homework! You selfish jerk! Just because you have internet at work and you think you're the only one who does anything around here...our whole family has to suffer?!"

Ah yes, the beauty of circular resentment and anger.

I know because I got some of my own. :smthumbup:


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Oh and it has all to do with his resentments right now because you are allowing him to completely discount 8 years of work on her behalf so that he can empower his resentments and justifications.

If he can't value her, how is she EVER supposed to believe that he wants what is best for her? If he doesn't want what is best for her how can she EVER believe that he is doing anything for their relationship rather than only thinking of himself?

See what I'm saying?


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Story of children. 

When a couple has children, it is usually the wife has to quit her job and stay at home. Sucks to be women. I had to stay at home for almost five years, my skill was almost lost. I had to go back to school again to refresh what I had learned. 

For the wife's benefit, I think it is better for her to go back to work as soon as possible.

A lot of women are stuck in their marriages because they don't have jobs and they don't have money. When their husbands cheat, they are really in a desperate situation. 

The wife will feel much securer about her life if she is working. And of course a second income can give the family a much better life style! She can also reduce her husband's stress.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Trenton said:


> Pfft and I was hoping you would come over to the dark side.
> 
> I think we're both representing perspective extremes possibly. You with Chilly and myself with the non-present wife.


The problem is the very fact that she is not present. We have to guess or imagine what she is thinking. 



> I do wish he could try both because I am 99.9% certain that shutting off the internet will not do anything but make Chilly feel like he got a jab in at his wife.


Notice that that was ONE element of an austerity program. It should be part of getting rid of EVERYTHING that isn't exactly necessary. This may be less obvious because I did not cite Total Money Makeover thoroughly. But the fact that it will help her really see the direness of the financial situation seems an added bonus to me. If he just shuts of the internet to tweak her nose, then obviously that is ill advised.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

woodstock said:


> You have no idea of ANYTHING about his wife... NOTHING accept that he thinks very little of her, gives her no credit, no depth, and has obvious never asked or done all the things he says he has (unless he DID in fact marry someone as deep as a tear drop)
> 
> I have been trying to get any HINT of what is REALLY going on from the start.... but apparently there is nothing more to it (unless she is invited on to giver HER side... which would almost be amusing to hear at this point, since chillymorn assumes she is pretty barely human)


how you come to this conclusion is beyond me.

please point out where i indicate this

your just not reading what posted your reading into what you think I mean


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I wont be posting about this any longer Thanks to all that responded


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> I wont be posting about this any longer Thanks to all that responded


I hope later on down the road, if you have successes, you might be willing to share what worked for you. That is the downside of a group like this. It is hard to see what works because once things are better (or over) people stop posting!


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Oh and I wish you all the best.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Chilly, I hope that you and your wife work it out. I really, really do and I'm not saying that your work or sacrifices are not worthy or that your wife should be able to stay home and eat bon bon's. I genuinely think that if you work directly with her in a way that doesn't express your animosity and expresses care, you will get further.

I wonder if this is fully a financial problem or if you feel slighted overall in the relationship. This is why a money makeover might not solve your problem. 

I know you said you didn't want to post anymore but I have to ask, do you feel that you are still in love with your wife and all that is disconnecting you is the financial situation or is there more to it?


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> how you come to this conclusion is beyond me.
> 
> please point out where i indicate this
> 
> your just not reading what posted your reading into what you think I mean


It's in what you said all along, about how you spoke to her and did so much to find out what was wrong, but when pressed on what she said you had nothing, so either you didn't try, she had no answers (which you did not relay here) or she is really as deep as a puddle? You are the one who said you had already asked all the questions being presented.

It is how it comes off on the surface, so either you are not saying what you mean, OR you don't want to admit how you feel.

I am a completely (pretty much) straight up person. My responses are made on what I take straight off the bat, not what I sit and try to find between lines. I pushed for more info, trying to give the benefit of the doubt, but got nothing back.

I went on what you offered. What I gave you wife on the other hand, was completely presumed since well, that's all that can be done, and my presumption was, as I said, taken from the ideas of my own experience (never hid that fact). I was offering, or trying to offer you insight into what VERY much sounded like a piece of my own experience. Without knowing real answers to the questions, that is all there is to do,

I do hope you figure it all out, but in all honesty, if you present yourself to your wife the way you do here, I don't see it ending very well.


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