# Separated for a year now...



## CJS (Sep 17, 2009)

I am still in love with my husband as I was 24 yrs ago. He came to me last Sept and told me he was moving out and back to his mothers. He is 52 and I feel in my heart it is mid life crisis. He told me that he had been resposible all his life and he don't want to have to worry about making anyone happy but himself. He said he wants to come and go as he pleases without being afraid of upsetting me. All our married life we never wanted to do anything without the other, and now he has changed and thinks I should have too. I gave him the house and I moved into an apartment. To many memories there for me. I have become very independent and I have recently started back to church and I feel good about myself. BUT...I still love him. I have gone out on a couple of dates and i didn't like it. I was thinking about him most of the time. I told him about it and he didn't like it either. I said you have been bugging me about moving on and I have. He said Yes but I didn't say it was going to be easy! Recently I have decided to stop being there for him everytime he needs me. He was having his cake and eating it too. This is very hard for me to do. I am still his wife and I want to be there for him, but I have prayed about it and I have to leave it alone now and go on my way. The problem is I don't know how. The only reason we are not divorced yet is me needing his health insurance. He told me that if he wanted to be married he would be with me, but he don't want to be married period. His words to me was, I know I am being selfish and I feel I have a right to be now. All he does is watch sports or ride his motorcycle or go to the bars and have a few beers and is usually home by 12:00am to go to bed. He has never been seen with another woman and our youngest son still lives at home, so nobody is brought there.
What really bothers me is we never got a second chance.. He never told me things until after he moved out. There are some things I am willing to change in our marriage, but I will never stop wanting his respect and I always show him respect as well. 
Can anyone out there please tell me if you have gone through this and what you did and the outcome. My friends think I am stupid for waiting and sometimes I think my kids do too. They say mom you didn't ask for this, go out and have fun go on dates and do your own thing. I tell them when I said I Do... I meant every word of, till death do us part.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I know what you are going through...I've been married for 24 years and my husband told me his unhappiness and was basically done. I never got a chance to restore the marriage. It was too late. We've been separated for 2 months and he gave me divorce papers yesterday. 

We both love each other...but he is no longer "in love." He doesn't express his feelings and is having trouble dealing with life. He's prefer to be alone and do his hobby and work. He's a good man and a good dad.

What I have done and hopefully you have done or will do is....move forward in a healthy manner. Have some fun. Fake it if you must. Explore and idea or hobby. Exercise. Do what you need to do. Individual counseling is helpful. If he sees you moving on he may find that attractive. Don't be needy. It sounds like you have pulled back some....good.

Another thing you might do....be busy when he calls. Or if he wants to come over...you can't. Don't always be there for him. He IS being selfish and needs to wake up.


----------



## CJS (Sep 17, 2009)

Thank you for sharing.
Do you feel like there is something not right and it isn't really him feeling this way and maybe something is out of wack that is causing it? 
I mean I know that my husbands testosterone levels are low and I can tell he is depressed and he don't even realize it. I feel like I can not give up because that would be like leaving him because he is sick. Does that make sense? My hands are tied. I can't get him to take the meds because he don't believe in mid life crisis. He thinks this is normal and ok to be like this. 
He was such a kind caring man, loving father and a wonderful husband. He never has raised his voice to me or anything like that in 24 yrs NEVER. I feel so helpless, I need to be there to help him and he wont let me. 
I do work full time and I am going to take a phlebotomy class in Oct so I am continuing with my life it is just so hard to do without him in it. I still get those butterflies when I see him. I never get tired of listening to those stories I have heard for 24 yrs...
His birthday is next month do I send him a card or just go on like it is another day? He text me Happy Birhday on my cell, I cried all day it hurt so bad. I just don't know what to do.


----------



## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

My H told me the exact same thing. That it is time to make himself happy now. He feels completely justified in doing just that. However he only lasted 8 years married and we have two small children. I wish there was some magical wand to wave over their heads and make them realize what they are doing. It just isn't fair! I took him out to dinner for his birthday with the kids and had a great time. However my birthday is tomorrow and he asked me the other day if I had plans. I was so happy to say no not yet. He said oh good I wanted to know if you needed me to watch the kids cause I have to book the studio that night.  So much for that! I have been separated for almost 9 months and I agree with you, I still get butterflies when I see my handsome husband and it just kills me I wish I could throw those butterflies up. Keep us posted and let me know if you come across any helpful hints and I will do the same. I am reading a good book right now called Separated and Waiting by Jan Northington. It is all about the feelings we are going through and how to concentrate on us. Check it out.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I would acknowledge is birthday simply. Nothing over the top. A card and cupcake. Simple.


----------



## Lizzie60 (Sep 13, 2009)

btdt.. but I was the one who wanted to live my life.. I was with my bf (common law) for 18 years... I got bored.. I didn't love him like a lover anymore.. I wanted to be free. to live my life.. to have lovers.. etc... 

So I left.. he was devastated.. for over 2 years he wished I would return.. I never did.. 

I left him the house for 4 years.. until he could get back on his feet (mentally) .. he had a huge nervous breakdown.. couldn't work for over a year.. lost 70 lbs.. (he was about 185)... he was shaking.. it was unbelievably hard to everyone to see him like that.. me included... 

But I knew he had to overcome his depression by himself.. 

I also went into depression.. so was it depression that got me to make this 180 turn.. I don't know.. and I guess I will never know for sure.. I had another bf for 5 years a year after my separation.. this guy was 12 years younger.. We lived together for 5 years.. then I left him... I guess I prefer to be single.. :scratchhead:

All I know now.. is that I'm happier than ever ... since I've been single.. I doubt I would ever want a man full time in my life.. I just don't want to make any commitment anymore.. It's just about ME.. I am selfish.. and intend to stay that way.

I can have all the lovers I want, spend my money as I wish, everything is about me now.. 

I know it must be extremely hard for you.. but there is not much you can do about it.. you cannot force someone to live with you.. to love you..


----------



## CJS (Sep 17, 2009)

WOW I really don't know what to say to that. I could not imagine putting someone through that kind of hurt. I have been with the same man for 24 years and planned on being there another 24 years. I don't think after 5 kids and 8 grandkids there should be any thought of selfishness. Now is the time for us to be setting examples for them. We had a blast together all the time. We had a motorcycle and went on trips now he does that without me. We would go out to dinner or dancing. Now he does that with his friends old and new. Every time I hear a story of what he has been doing it always involves his high school friends. He went to his high school reunion a few weeks ago and it killed my soul to know he was there without me. I think he is just trying to get his youth back and we all know that isn’t going to happen. I feel like God has been telling me not to give up, just have faith. My friends and family think I am silly for even thinking that we will ever be together. Only because they know how he is acting now. When we are together it is like we are not apart. We still have a great time together when we do the family things. We still include each other. Our kids say, man this is so confusing, it is like nothing is wrong. Until we all go our separate ways including you mom. Then it is back to being weird again. I feel like this is his evil twin. I so hate this guy he is now, but I love the real man I know is on the inside. I just wish he could find his way out. I wish he would fight this feeling because he really knows it isn’t right. He has let the house go and puts most of the money after paying bills into his motorcycle and trips with his buddies from work. I just want to shake some sense into him.


----------



## Lizzie60 (Sep 13, 2009)

Well.. if you like to live in your bubble ... go ahead.. he will probably get out of this 'crisis' when he is old and sick... then you will end up getting him back.. and taking care of him...

I feel sorry for you.. honestly..


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Lizzie60 said:


> btdt.. but I was the one who wanted to live my life.. I was with my bf (common law) for 18 years... I got bored.. I didn't love him like a lover anymore.. I wanted to be free. to live my life.. to have lovers.. etc...
> 
> So I left.. he was devastated.. for over 2 years he wished I would return.. I never did..
> 
> ...


lizzie, imagine yourself hospitalized, bedridden, terminal. you've made your decision to be independent, "have all the lovers you want, spend your money as you wish. everything is about you now." and you are dying. where are your kids, your family? they too have decided to take the same life path. enjoy those last few terminal months. enjoy your freedom and independence.


----------



## Lizzie60 (Sep 13, 2009)

voivod said:


> lizzie, imagine yourself hospitalized, bedridden, terminal. you've made your decision to be independent, "have all the lovers you want, spend your money as you wish. everything is about you now." and you are dying. where are your kids, your family? they too have decided to take the same life path. enjoy those last few terminal months. enjoy your freedom and independence.


OMG... does having a partner NOW guarantee you a support if you get sick.. come on now.. be serious.. 

I have great friends... I have amazing children.. do I really need a spouse.. NO... 

I feel sorry for people who thinks that being single is being alone.. NOT at all...


----------



## CJS (Sep 17, 2009)

Lizzie60, You have chosen your life and what you want out of it. I do not judge you for that. I am trying to do what's right also, so please do not judge me for that.
My family is my life the only thing that comes before them is God. I have had a good solid foundation and I want it back. There is nothing wrong with that. My husband is a wonderful man, true what he did is wrong. I will always be here for him no matter what. I hope he does wake up to see what he is missing before it is too late. I do pray you find happiness in whatever you do, but it will be hard if you can't share your life with someone you totally love and trust. Someone you want to share forever with.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

CJS....keep doing the things that make you happy and healthy.

You will have to be strong for your family and let him go and find his way. He may come back or not. You can't predict and frankly he won't be able to predict either. 

I know you have this in your mind of how things were suppose to be. I do also. The game plan has changed.

Even if you come back to a whole marriage...it won't be the original plan. Start planning for yourself. Do something that you always wanted to do. Have some fun. Meet new friends. Let him see you going out and becoming a new person. It may wake him up.


----------



## CJS (Sep 17, 2009)

Thank you, I appreciate sincere advice.


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Lizzie60 said:


> OMG... does having a partner NOW guarantee you a support if you get sick.. come on now.. be serious..
> 
> I have great friends... I have amazing children.. do I really need a spouse.. NO...
> 
> I feel sorry for people who thinks that being single is being alone.. NOT at all...


no, my point was a "spouse" doesn't really need YOU. especially the you that can cast away the feelings in such a cavalier manner.

and the support you would receive by a loving spouse would be amazing in that time of need. if you don't need it at that time, i guess you don't need it.

and hey, if YOU are happier, if you're ok with being 
"selfish," then alright. the world is a great place.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

V: I know what you mean by "support." Only until you get REALLY sick and need someone there for you will you ever understand what it means by "support." Friends will only go so far. Some go further than others but for the most part they have their own lives and families to deal with. I know V that you were sick once and depended upon your wife. You have been there and until someone is in those shoes....they may never know.

Does that mean you need to have a spouse in case you get sick? NO. But it sure lessens the blows in life...to know someone has your back when you are down and out!


----------



## CJS (Sep 17, 2009)

C: I wish I could do the tough love thing all the time and not give in but I do at times. 

L: I think you have to know who you really are and make that committment of marriage before you can give others advice. I know you were in a common law relationship for 18 yrs. That just means it is easier to walk out the door and you owe nothing. Just like you felt you didn't owe him anything.

V: I think that is what love and committment is, is being there no matter what the circumstance. It has been a year since my husband left our marriage, but if he became ill I would be the first one there to help him through. That is only because of my love and committment to him. We are separated not divorce and as long as there is no divorce papers I am still committed to him. That's what marriage is about right? Committment and love and devotion. 

It is just hard to find how to be there for them and love them without over doing it and looking like your needy. I am not needy. I am making it on my own. I would just rather have him by my side to share my life good or bad with. 
When we talk on the phone for whatever reason, he always ends up telling me about his day at work or how the week went then asks me how mine was. We laugh and joke and never fight. We never did in our marriage. We had disagreements, but who don't? If we text late at night about some to do with the family or an appointment whatever, he still says good night at the end or sweet dreams. That is what makes me feel like he is just really confused. He keeps telling me it is important that I believe him when he says there is no other woman, because it is the truth. He says this is all about his freedom to do things without worry of hurting me or making me mad. Riding the bike when he wants, where he wants and not having to say when he'll be home. Not having to call and tell me he'll be late for dinner. He wants to work late without having to call and say he is going to. He is married to his job. It has always came first. He loves what he does and he is great at it and he makes a difference almost everyday. He is in education. He just got a promotion about 3 months ago now it is alot worse than it was. He is stressed out alot more, but he wouldn't give it up for nothing. He always tells me how it's going and what he does now and I hear the joy he has when he talks about it. Now I am jealous of his career. Only because he loves it more than me. I can't be mad at him for having his dream career. I am proud of him. I just wish he knew how to balance his marriage and his career. I asked him if he misses sex. We never had a problem there other than not often enough for me...He said he never thinks about it. Not that he don't think about us he just never thinks about sex because he is so tired and stressed all the time. He said he has told me many times it is not about another woman. If he wanted to be married it would be to me, That is what he says all the time. See why I am so confused? 
I welcome any advice, but I would love to hear what some men think of this. What is he really saying ? and is he confused?


----------



## Lizzie60 (Sep 13, 2009)

L: I think you have to know who you really are and make that committment of marriage before you can give others advice. I know you were in a common law relationship for 18 yrs. That just means it is easier to walk out the door and you owe nothing. Just like you felt you didn't owe him anything.


Well then you have no idea what you're talking about because here in Canada, living common-law for 18 years is exactly the same as if you were married.. (less the piece of paper).. As far as the law is concerned.. it's the same trouble plus we had kids.. 

I was in two long relationships.. and I truly don't kmow what a stupid piece of paper makes someone more 'committed' or more 'experienced' to give others advices.. 

Sheeessshh...


----------



## CarolineMRF (Sep 2, 2009)

CJS: I am sorry but I just saw this thread...I will be gone for the day and will look at it this evening when we get home...We have been married for 51 years this Novemeber...Hopefully a few of my thoughts may help you, but I don't know as I have not read it yet....I guess I know more about married life and men than many women here...Many think they do, but until they have walked the walk that I have in life and still at this age turn a man to mush, they have not yet achieved this goal....I may not have any good advice on your thread, but I do want to read it...Take care...


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

He will continue to give you mixed messaged. You will continue to read into everything he says. This is completely normal.

Just do what you can do for yourself. No easy answers here. I know .....I 've been searching and reading. Do you have a counselor or good support system?


----------



## CJS (Sep 17, 2009)

L: you can roll your eyes if you want to. I don't have a clue how things are done in Canada, but I do know that no matter where you live you have to know who you are. Since you gave me your opinion in your first post about it being better to be single and have all the lovers you want and all your money to yourself. I think it is pretty safe to say I really don't think your opinion counts when it comes to my situation. It is obvious we are not looking for the same thing. So, good luck on your adventure. I really do wish you the best.

CarolineMRF: thanks for your interest.

Corpuswife: Not really. I wish I did have. It happens my doctor's advice is, now is the time for me to see what else is out there. That is BS ! I love my husband and I don't give a crap what is out there. I think this marriage deserves a second chance and he needs to stop being so selfish. I was married at 17 yrs old the first time it lasted 6 years. He was very abusive I stayed black and blue. This marriage is not one to give up on. What we had was wonderful and I know I will never find that kind of love again. That only happens once in a lifetime. We were perfect together. All our friends wanted to be us. They all say something has happened to him, this isn't the guy we know. Stress can do alot of crazy things to a person. I am scared for him. I think it is much more than him being a jerk now. I would love to hear someone say they have been there and done that. I feel so helpless right now about it all.


----------



## CarolineMRF (Sep 2, 2009)

We got home earlier and I did want to answer this...I doubt anything has ever bothered me as much as reading your posts...Many times since I joined this site, I have asked myself why did I venture out to find another Forum....Your post answered this question for me...Besides myself, I have never met another woman who is in love with a man as much as you are with your husband...I will admit that being with my sailor for a longer time, does give me an edge....After all these years, I still look at him and melt...That's just the way it is.....

I read all your posts...I think you have nailed it on the head, however may not be the right reason...Men do go into midlife crisis...It affects many of them in a different way...Yours is clinging to youth...Going out with the boys....Riding his motorcycle...Sitting at the bar...All places of yesterday, but not having to come home to his wife...Here I am guessing, but willing to go out on the limb...If I am wrong, so goes life....

What I was looking for I found in one of your last posts...Your asking him if he missed sex...Your reply was that you could have this more than he does...Here you are more than normal for the aging woman..As far as I am concerned the books are wrong...We get hotter and the male slows down.....

I think he is still in love with you as much as you are with him...Go back to your yesterday...Try and find the boy in the man again...These are just my thoughts.......


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Find a pro marriage counselor. If he won't go...you go on your own. It's important for you to have support and a place to go when things are crazy like this. 

As much as you don't understand and want things to change....he's not flinching now. Keep coming here for support as well. 

Is he willing to do anything to help the marriage?


----------



## CJS (Sep 17, 2009)

It's not that he can't, it is he is tired and not in the mood. If I go ahead and become aggressive then everything is wonderful. He just don't feel like it because of being tired or achy or stress headache things like that. There is no trouble getting him to stand at attention. : ) The doctor put him on anti depressants and Andro Gel ( low testostrone). He stopped taking them both. She told me in a private visit he really needs to be on these meds, but I can't make him take them. One is a gel to rub on the shoulders, women can't touch it or I would make him think it was lotion and give him a rub down.
It is hard knowing how great things would be if he was himself, but he's not. That is what hurts so bad. I am loosing my husband in my mind, because he can't give me the things I require that he don't require anymore.
I hear the same thing over and over again. Oh there is nothing wrong he just wants to cheat. None of our friends or family has ever seen him with anyone it has been a year surly I would have found out by now, Right? We live in a very small town.
It is like the doctor saying your husband is very sick and is going to die if he don't do something about it, and then all he does is curl up in a ball and wait to die. Does that make sense? I just keep waiting for him to sit up and say Hell no I'm not going to die I'm going to fight this thing. But that is not what he is doing at all. I know some of you will think I am crazy for saying this, but.... I would give up sex or anything else he don't require, just to grow old with him. I'll just make sure to stock up on AA batteries.. : ) It really is not funny, but if I don't laugh sometimes I would have already gone off the deep end. I feel my hands are tied and I have no control over this at all. He has to be the one to say he wants to try, but he's not. 
I wish I knew how to handle our phone conversations. I don't know of I should let him know how happy I am he called or just act like i am busy or what I should do. Is this different so it should be handled differently? 
I am just lost without him. I am going on with life, but the only thing getting me through each day is having faith that one day he will see what has happened and try to fix it. I am a person that is not afraid of anything, but this has taken and brought me to my knees and I am scared I will never kiss him or hold him or just look in those beautiful eyes again. And it is all over something that could be corrected if he would just listen to the doctor and do it. His evil twin has to go and the real man I married needs to come back. Does any of this make sense? Is there any men out there that has gone through this? Can you shed some light please if there is?


----------



## CJS (Sep 17, 2009)

Corpuswife: He will not go to a marriage counselor. I think it because he knows he is wrong and not trying to help himself. He even told me he is aware he may find himself old and alone one day. He is just not a fighter.


----------



## CarolineMRF (Sep 2, 2009)

CJS said:


> It's not that he can't, it is he is tired and not in the mood. If I go ahead and become aggressive then everything is wonderful. He just don't feel like it because of being tired or achy or stress headache things like that. There is no trouble getting him to stand at attention. : ) The doctor put him on anti depressants and Andro Gel ( low testostrone). He stopped taking them both. She told me in a private visit he really needs to be on these meds, but I can't make him take them. One is a gel to rub on the shoulders, women can't touch it or I would make him think it was lotion and give him a rub down.
> It is hard knowing how great things would be if he was himself, but he's not. That is what hurts so bad. I am loosing my husband in my mind, because he can't give me the things I require that he don't require anymore.
> I hear the same thing over and over again. Oh there is nothing wrong he just wants to cheat. None of our friends or family has ever seen him with anyone it has been a year surly I would have found out by now, Right? We live in a very small town.
> It is like the doctor saying your husband is very sick and is going to die if he don't do something about it, and then all he does is curl up in a ball and wait to die. Does that make sense? I just keep waiting for him to sit up and say Hell no I'm not going to die I'm going to fight this thing. But that is not what he is doing at all. I know some of you will think I am crazy for saying this, but.... I would give up sex or anything else he don't require, just to grow old with him. I'll just make sure to stock up on AA batteries.. : ) It really is not funny, but if I don't laugh sometimes I would have already gone off the deep end. I feel my hands are tied and I have no control over this at all. He has to be the one to say he wants to try, but he's not.
> ...


Honey, I will get back to you later tonight after my husband is in bed....I understand more now....Hugs...


----------



## CarolineMRF (Sep 2, 2009)

My husband just went downstairs on his computer so I took this chance to get back to you....He hates "chat rooms"..I still go with the mid-life crisis...Back when my husband was in his early 50's, I remember his telling me that he wanted to fly back to San Francisco...This is where he was stationed...He had been doing some schooling and there was a school out there for upgrading his work...However, there was also a school less than 100 miles from here...I didn't like it...The kids had a fit...Mine are older, but they helped me get this idea out of his head...I know that this was a part of life bothering him...I also believe men go through this much more than we women realize...We sail through it and they falter...All the stories of Menopause are done, but where are the books on men...

I still question his lack of wanting sex issue, as this is what I found as my husband aged...However, all of this changed after I turned him around...Now he is gung ho....At least twice a week as he is convinced that he is a stud...

If I were you and loved him as you do, I wouldn't give up...Unless he is showing signs of Alzheimer's or interested in the same sex, then he is still the man you married...I guess when I called him or talked to him I would let him know how much I missed him...Ask him out for a date...Try to find where you used to be...All I can think of is "if this was me" and it tears me apart......

I am going to take part of the other post off as it is more personal than I usually get on this subject...Take care...


----------



## CJS (Sep 17, 2009)

I thought it might end up like this. Nobody knowing what to say or give advice because this is not the regular story. This isn't just because he is a jerk kind of story. Thanks for those of you that tried.


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Lizzie60 said:


> L:
> 
> I was in two long relationships.. and I truly don't kmow what a stupid piece of paper makes someone more 'committed' or more 'experienced' to give others advices..
> 
> Sheeessshh...


a stupid piece of paper?!?! you make it sound like an apartment lease...disgusting...


----------

