# New to the forum



## notmyjamie

Hello,

I am new to this forum. I'm looking for a place to read and get advice on separation and divorce. After 22 years of marriage and 3 children, my marriage is over. 13 years ago I found an account of my husband's on a hook up site. He was arranging to meet for sex. He swore he was just curious as to what those sites were like and that he had never been unfaithful. Against my better judgement and "for the kids" I stayed in the marriage but nothing was ever the same. Now, after a basically sexless marriage for the last 6 years, I am done. 

Hoping to get some good advice on in house separation, using mediation for divorce, handling co parenting, etc. After perusing a lot of the threads here, it seems like there are many, many helpful, nice people posting here. I'm glad to have found this place.


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## Mr.Married

Howdy notmyjamie,

Lots of people here have been in your shoes in one form or fashion. I'm sorry you have found yourself here. While you mention mediation, keep in mind that
many lawyers have a free initial advisory offer. It may help you with a couple questions but even more importantly it will be a real life concrete action. Taking
action in itself can feel like some weight off your shoulders and the start of what you seek.


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## aine

Welcome aboard

Have you been to see a lawyer yet? See what your options are with regard to finances, the kids, living arrangements, etc.
Does your H have any inkling as to where you are at? Have you discussed divorce?
How old are your kids?
Do you work?


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## notmyjamie

I am currently living in an accessory apartment in our house My husband is very aware of my desire to end our marriage but I have decided to take things slowly. He does not want to divorce. I have no idea why as we've been nothing but roommates for a number of years now. My kids are teenagers, and they are handling things well so far. I have made a very concerted effort to maintain an amicable relationship with my husband and to make sure the kids know there is no "bad guy" in this separation and they do not need to choose between us. So far things are going ok, we'll see what happens. 

I do work and have for the entirety of our marriage. My husband and I each make almost the same amount of money, I think I might top him by only a couple thousand per year. My plan, if I can stand it, is to stay in our current house living in the separate apartments until our youngest graduates from school in 3 years. This way the kids are not uprooted and can finish out their schooling in the same school system. Unfortunately, neither my husband nor myself can afford to buy alone in our town, so selling and getting separate houses would really affect the kids negatively.

My next step is to consult with a lawyer and work to separate our finances. My husband is aware I want to separate them but I know he will not take it well. Each step in the process towards divorce has been very hard for him and very freeing for me. I feel like I mourned the loss of romantic love with him years ago so I don't have that to deal with now, just logistics.


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## arbitrator

*Best of luck to you, but that appointment with a good experienced lawyer should be done post haste! And the sooner the better!

They should be able to fully advise you on all aspects of the marriages dissolution! More especially on the sticky topics like division of community assets, finances, and custody, as well as spousal/child support issues! *


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## Mr.Married

Keep in mind that even though you have a 3 year outlook that the lawyer may be able to tell you the best things to be doing during this time. He may have some ideas
you didn't think about and a way to use some of that time to your advantage.


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## She'sStillGotIt

Go see a lawyer.

*ASAP.*

If you've got 3 years before finally buying your way out of marriage hell, then make them COUNT. See a lawyer because he may have some very wise advice for you on how to start planning your financial future as well as how to protect yourself financially before the 3 years is up.

Knowledge is POWER. Don't ever underestimate the value of legal advice.


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## MovingForward

Everyone advises Lawyers and I agree to go see one for a free consultation, the only downside to lawyers is they generally cost a lot and make things nasty, if you intent to keep things civil and amicable and earn about the same and the kids are almost graduated I would caution on whether you need one. often a lot of the info is available for free and if you get a lawyer and he gets a lawyer on retainers you will both bleed a lot of cash while the lawyers battle it out when mostly it is easy to do a lot of stuff yourselves.

What State are you residing in since this is very important to as what the rules are.
Are your retirement accounts equal?
The home was it purchase during marriage or prior by one of you and do you split the bills?

3 years is a long long time to be miserable so although you cannot afford to buy a house in your town an alternative might be to sell the house and each rent an apartment or a smaller house while kids finish school.


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## 3Xnocharm

notmyjamie said:


> My next step is to consult with a lawyer and work to separate our finances. My husband is aware I want to separate them but I know he will not take it well. Each step in the process towards divorce has been very hard for him and very freeing for me. I feel like I mourned the loss of romantic love with him years ago so I don't have that to deal with now, just logistics.


Well, you need to do what is best for YOU, and if he wants to pout and gripe, thats his issue. What he wants or doesnt want isnt your problem now. Maybe if he had done things differently in the past, you wouldnt be where you are now. You can divorce with or without his cooperation. 

Also, staying in the same residence is rarely a good idea when it comes to separation and divorce. If you feel you need to do that, just prepare yourself that its going to be rough. I realize you have a separate apartment, but you are still essentially in the same space. 

I'm sorry you are here and that things have gone this way for you. But you will get through it and move forward to something better!


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## MattMatt

MovingForward said:


> Everyone advises Lawyers and I agree to go see one for a free consultation, the only downside to lawyers is they generally cost a lot and make things nasty, if you intent to keep things civil and amicable and earn about the same and the kids are almost graduated I would caution on whether you need one. often a lot of the info is available for free and if you get a lawyer and he gets a lawyer on retainers you will both bleed a lot of cash while the lawyers battle it out when mostly it is easy to do a lot of stuff yourselves.
> 
> What State are you residing in since this is very important to as what the rules are.
> Are your retirement accounts equal?
> The home was it purchase during marriage or prior by one of you and do you split the bills?
> 
> 3 years is a long long time to be miserable so although you cannot afford to buy a house in your town an alternative might be to sell the house and each rent an apartment or a smaller house while kids finish school.


If her husband doesn't want a divorce then a lawyer will be a necessity.


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## notmyjamie

3Xnocharm said:


> Well, you need to do what is best for YOU, and if he wants to pout and gripe, thats his issue. What he wants or doesnt want isnt your problem now. Maybe if he had done things differently in the past, you wouldnt be where you are now. You can divorce with or without his cooperation.
> 
> Also, staying in the same residence is rarely a good idea when it comes to separation and divorce. If you feel you need to do that, just prepare yourself that its going to be rough. I realize you have a separate apartment, but you are still essentially in the same space.
> 
> I'm sorry you are here and that things have gone this way for you. But you will get through it and move forward to something better!


Well, the difference between my husband and many others is that although he does not want this divorce, he has been nothing but cooperative and amicable during the entire process so far. I know he's hurting though. He has done nothing to block the forward motion. He and I agree that the MOST important thing is that our children come first. For their sake, we are still a family. I have put my anger aside and forgiven him so that we can move forward peacefully. My mother did this when she divorced my Dad and it made all the difference in the world to me as a kid. I don't hate him, I just don't want to be married to him anymore. I'm hopeful this will make sharing our house something we can manage for the next few years.

I hope and pray I am lucky enough to move forward and maybe even find someone else to spend my life with but I'm okay if that never happens. I would rather be alone and living the truth than with someone in a marriage of lies. To be honest, it's a bit scary thinking of getting back out into the dating world. I'm 50, and although I'm working on it, need to lose about 30lbs due to some medical problems I've had in the last few years. So I'm going to focus on myself for a bit, getting back out into the world, socializing more, etc. I've been hiding away for quite a few years now and I want to go out and have fun again and I finally feel free enough to do that.


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## wilson

Why didn't things get better 13 years ago and why has the last 6 been sexless? Can you give us more background on what your relationship was like? If you're thinking about being together for another 3 years, would you consider trying to fix the relationship during that time? Who knows if it could work, but it seems like it could be a productive use of 3 years. If it doesn't work, then you get divorced anyway.


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## MovingForward

MattMatt said:


> If her husband doesn't want a divorce then a lawyer will be a necessity.


Varies state to State, in my state there is very little you can do to stop a divorce, you can delay slightly but not much. I live in no fault and community property state so assets split 50/50 and once one person files they just serve the other party, the other party can choose to answer and provide a response, this will then force proceedings to the next step which is an early resolution conference, you mediate with a court appointee and basically done, if you dont agree you go in front of a judge and they make decision for you.

Only pain points are Alimony and Child Support, Alimony varies state to state and since the earn roughly the same it wont come into effect, regarding child support most states today it seems are becoming more Dad friendly so 50/50 is likely which would result in no child support and splitting medical. if one party gets more time then there are usually calculators the court will use which can all be found online.


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## notmyjamie

wilson said:


> Why didn't things get better 13 years ago and why has the last 6 been sexless? Can you give us more background on what your relationship was like? If you're thinking about being together for another 3 years, would you consider trying to fix the relationship during that time? Who knows if it could work, but it seems like it could be a productive use of 3 years. If it doesn't work, then you get divorced anyway.


In short, my husband does not want to have sex, at least not with me. 13 years ago, things got better for a few years. But as time went on he started having less and less interest in me as a partner. In truth, I believe he is gay although he denies it. The hookup site I found was for men looking for men. He said it was just a curiosity, I wanted to believe it so I tried for a while, thinking maybe he was bisexual. But after a few years he lost all interest in having sex with me and I don't want to live this lie anymore. He asked to go to marriage counseling and even the marriage counselor said she thinks it's time to end things. I am not planning to "stay with him" for another 3 years. We will be sharing our house, living in separate apartments, coparenting and living separate lives until our youngest graduates and then we will sell it, split the profits and each move on to where ever we want to go. If I happen to win the lottery before then, I'll buy a new house in a flash LOL.


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## notmyjamie

MovingForward said:


> Varies state to State, in my state there is very little you can do to stop a divorce, you can delay slightly but not much. I live in no fault and community property state so assets split 50/50 and once one person files they just serve the other party, the other party can choose to answer and provide a response, this will then force proceedings to the next step which is an early resolution conference, you mediate with a court appointee and basically done, if you dont agree you go in front of a judge and they make decision for you.
> 
> Only pain points are Alimony and Child Support, Alimony varies state to state and since the earn roughly the same it wont come into effect, regarding child support most states today it seems are becoming more Dad friendly so 50/50 is likely which would result in no child support and splitting medical. if one party gets more time then there are usually calculators the court will use which can all be found online.


Although he doesn't want a divorce, he has not fought me at any step in the process so far. Once I file I don't see him giving me a hard time. That is why I'm hoping we can use Mediation to make things go smoothly. I live in a 50/50 state. I have no plans to ask for alimony and I don't think he will either. We would go for 50/50 custody since we essentially will live in the same address so no child support payments for either of us. My middle daughter will be 18 soon and my oldest is almost 20 so it's really only my youngest who will be 18 in a few short years. Currently our family health insurance is through his plan and I'm hoping it will continue that way. As I am always the one to take my kids to any appointments (I work in healthcare so it has always defaulted to me) I'm hoping he'll be fine with he pays the premiums and I pay all the copays. If not, we'll split the cost down the middle. In the end, I know I'll end up paying more towards our kids as they come to me for clothing, supplies for school, etc. I am fine with this as they are my kids and I can afford it. I'll make sure to send them to him once in a while too.

I read your long divorce story/thread yesterday Moving Forward and it gave me hope for life after divorce. I never thought I'd end up divorced. When I stumbled upon evidence of my husband cheating I was floored. As your updates got more and more positive I was so happy for you. I'm glad things have turned out so well for you, I hope I can say the same in a a year or so.


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## wilson

That would be pretty hard to work through. Unfortunately, I think this kind of situation may happen more than we may think where a man finally figures out he's gay after a long marriage. I think I may have even seen some support groups for the ex-wives who have been through this in case you're interested in that.

The discussion of co-habiting has come up here before, but it's usually just for a short time to satisfy the separation timeline for divorce in their state. Would each of you live in your own apartment? Do you have a house and 2 apartments or just 1? One way it might work is if you split up the time so that you alternated days as to who was the parent. For example, on even days you're the parent and on odd days he is. Whoever is the parent that day is in the house, making dinner, getting the kids to events, etc. The other person just stays in their apartment making their own dinner, watching their own TV, etc. That way there's not a lot of interaction between you too. There would also need to be agreements like are guests allowed over, is dating allowed, who does the food shopping, etc.


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## MovingForward

notmyjamie said:


> Although he doesn't want a divorce, he has not fought me at any step in the process so far. Once I file I don't see him giving me a hard time. That is why I'm hoping we can use Mediation to make things go smoothly. I live in a 50/50 state. I have no plans to ask for alimony and I don't think he will either. We would go for 50/50 custody since we essentially will live in the same address so no child support payments for either of us. My middle daughter will be 18 soon and my oldest is almost 20 so it's really only my youngest who will be 18 in a few short years. Currently our family health insurance is through his plan and I'm hoping it will continue that way. As I am always the one to take my kids to any appointments (I work in healthcare so it has always defaulted to me) I'm hoping he'll be fine with he pays the premiums and I pay all the copays. If not, we'll split the cost down the middle. In the end, I know I'll end up paying more towards our kids as they come to me for clothing, supplies for school, etc. I am fine with this as they are my kids and I can afford it. I'll make sure to send them to him once in a while too.
> 
> I read your long divorce story/thread yesterday Moving Forward and it gave me hope for life after divorce. I never thought I'd end up divorced. When I stumbled upon evidence of my husband cheating I was floored. As your updates got more and more positive I was so happy for you. I'm glad things have turned out so well for you, I hope I can say the same in a a year or so.


Yes it is painful but also a great chance at happiness to get out of a bad marriage, you just have to find yourself again and have a new life plan and take it one step at a time, with a positive mindset and some hard work and getting over the occasional set back you will find happiness again in the future. I never thought I would be Divorced or my Wife would cheat on me, to be honest it still shocks me sometimes even today when I realize I am a Divorcee. 

Mediation is beneficial in some instance but in my instance i thought it was a waste of money, cost me $8k and we could have done it for free basically. 50/50/community property states make it simple with very little to fight about. 

Most states child support goes away after they graduate high school or turn 19 whichever comes first, so you are only looking at one child and equal salaries basically, you can agree to whatever you want but if you disagree then since he pays healthcare for kids you will pay a little child support to offset it. Co-pays and out of cost medical can be split 50/50. Also you only have to keep children on the healthcare until they graduate also so looks like only one child is mandatory so the calculation for child support would be based of that.

You are lucky in one sense at lease since most of your children are grown so you require less communication with your x and will have even less to disagree about since a lot of arguments I have are money and child related.

Couple things which will help you.

Look into the cost of Cobra for health insurance, it can be very expensive and is available for 3 years after divorce, or check the cost of healthcare with you Job, if both costs are too high you can start in some states with legal separation which i believe allows you to remain on healthcare plan but still be legal divorced financially and physically, then you can always convert this to a Divorce in future but maybe read more into this. 

Ensure you have bank accounts in your name only.

Try and close all Joint Credit and accounts to protect your credit.

Have the house valued

Calculate any retirement accounts/savings accounts values.

Look through personal property, household contacts for stuff you really want

Try and work out about moving out sooner and if financially feasible, Seriously you may feel like it will be OK but if you truly want to move on then life does not start again until you are living separately. I lived with my X for a few months during and it was soul destroying and I did not even realize until she was gone.

I wish you well and if you ever have questions let me know, I made a lot of mistakes in the process so feel free to bounce ideas of me and I can provide some input.


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## sokillme

Why take it slow? There is a whole new world out there with some great people in it. You only get one life.


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## notmyjamie

wilson said:


> That would be pretty hard to work through. Unfortunately, I think this kind of situation may happen more than we may think where a man finally figures out he's gay after a long marriage. I think I may have even seen some support groups for the ex-wives who have been through this in case you're interested in that.
> 
> The discussion of co-habiting has come up here before, but it's usually just for a short time to satisfy the separation timeline for divorce in their state. Would each of you live in your own apartment? Do you have a house and 2 apartments or just 1? One way it might work is if you split up the time so that you alternated days as to who was the parent. For example, on even days you're the parent and on odd days he is. Whoever is the parent that day is in the house, making dinner, getting the kids to events, etc. The other person just stays in their apartment making their own dinner, watching their own TV, etc. That way there's not a lot of interaction between you too. There would also need to be agreements like are guests allowed over, is dating allowed, who does the food shopping, etc.


Thank you, I have found an online support group but a lot of the posters are so angry and I don't want to hold onto anger. I firmly believe my husband did not do this to me on purpose and so I can forgive and move on. He's hurting, very badly in fact, so what's the point of holding onto that anger which will just rot my soul?

I very much want to come to an agreement about all those things you mentioned. I will have to sit down with my husband soon to make out a plan. Again, I'm going slowly so that he doesn't' get too overwhelmed. So far, he has been respecting my boundaries in the apartment. He treats it like a separate house, doesn't enter without knocking, doesn't assume he's invited to dinner, etc. 



MovingForward said:


> I wish you well and if you ever have questions let me know, I made a lot of mistakes in the process so feel free to bounce ideas of me and I can provide some input.


Thank you so much for all your advice. I am making a list of everything I need to do and will bring up with a lawyer soon. You've given me lots to add to the list!



sokillme said:


> Why take it slow? There is a whole new world out there with some great people in it. You only get one life.


I'm taking it slow so that my husband has time to adjust. He is not happy about the divorce, he wants to stay married. By going slowly, he has time to adjust and so far he's given me everything I've wanted. He also has some issues with anxiety and I don't want to set that off for him. I've recommended counseling for him and he's "looked into it" but I don't know if he's going yet or not. I need him to be as healthy as possible for my kids' sake and to make these adjustments go smoothly. 

I am also recovering from major surgery at the moment so that is occupying a lot of my energy right now. Once I am feeling better, I am hoping to go out more, socialize more, make a new set of friends separate from the group I share with my husband, get back to the gym (I lost 30lbs last year, need to continue working on that!) and stop hiding from life. I'm looking forward to it!!! You are right that we only get one life. My plan is to enjoy it!


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## attheend02

I'm in North Carolina.

NC has a 1 year legal separation requirement before divorce. That means we cannot cohabitate for that time - and the rules about that are somewhat complex - attached apartment may or may not work.

We chose a Divorce Mediator rather than lawyers - It cost about $1800 dollars to produce a legally binding Memorandum of Understanding for equal distribution - but we have no dependent children so it was relatively easy.

I still payed a lawyer to help me transfer IRA funds to my wife... I couldn't negotiate the legalise neccessary to get it through the courts - another $1500.

I believe the mediation saved me quite a bit of money - it kept it amicable.

I'm not sure how you would share the house and be divorced, though.


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## She'sStillGotIt

notmyjamie said:


> I'm taking it slow so that my husband has time to adjust. He is not happy about the divorce, he wants to stay married. By going slowly, he has time to adjust and so far he's given me everything I've wanted. He also has some issues with anxiety and I don't want to set that off for him. I've recommended counseling for him and he's "looked into it" but I don't know if he's going yet or not. I need him to be as healthy as possible for my kids' sake and to make these adjustments go smoothly.


Good lord, is he 15 years old?

You're going to sacrifice 3 long years of your life 'transitioning' this emotionally stunted serial cheating man-child who, by the way, didn't give a *RAT'S ASS ABOUT YOU* when he was trawling the sex hookup sites and getting tail?

_Really? _

Ask yourself if this isn't just another excuse for you to stay right where you are - as you've *been* for too many years - and not have to make any major life moves. Because it honestly just sounds like another excuse you've created for yourself in order to avoid doing the hard work of getting yourself to a better, healthier life.


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## notmyjamie

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Good lord, is he 15 years old?
> 
> You're going to sacrifice 3 long years of your life 'transitioning' this emotionally stunted serial cheating man-child who, by the way, didn't give a *RAT'S ASS ABOUT YOU* when he was trawling the sex hookup sites and getting tail?
> 
> _Really? _
> 
> Ask yourself if this isn't just another excuse for you to stay right where you are - as you've *been* for too many years - and not have to make any major life moves. Because it honestly just sounds like another excuse you've created for yourself in order to avoid doing the hard work of getting yourself to a better, healthier life.


Ouch. I didn't say I was going to stay married for 3 more years. By "going slow" I mean a couple of months and then I will want to file for divorce. People can own a home together and not be married. One of my best friends is divorced and she and her ex still own their home together and will sell when their youngest graduates from high school. It can be done. It remains to be seen if we can handle living so close together. If we can't then things will have to change. 

I appreciate your passion and I know it's frustrating when people do things differently than you would. I assure you, I very much want to get one with my life and move to a healthier life.


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## wilson

notmyjamie said:


> People can own a home together and not be married. One of my best friends is divorced and she and her ex still own their home together and will sell when their youngest graduates from high school. It can be done. It remains to be seen if we can handle living so close together. If we can't then things will have to change


It sounds like you guys are pretty level headed and have made the roommate situation work for many years already. This will just be formalizing it. But realize that you are going into uncharted territory. Divorced people living together is not very common, so we're guessing as to what the struggles would be. Separate houses with shared custody is much more common, so going that path would have a lot more certainty as to the outcome. Just stay objective as to what is best for the kids. If the housemate thing isn't going well, then separate houses will probably be a better solution. Kids would prefer to have two calm households than one tense one.


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## turnera

notmyjamie said:


> Thank you, I have found an online support group but a lot of the posters are so angry and I don't want to hold onto anger. I firmly believe my husband did not do this to me on purpose and so I can forgive and move on. He's hurting, very badly in fact, so what's the point of holding onto that anger which will just rot my soul?


In addition to TAM, which has the best advice on the internet, generally, there's another great site called marriageadvocates.com that is a great support for people. 

Other than that, just do whatever your lawyer says. 

Also, it might give you time to talk to your husband about his preferences. If he really is bi or gay, this might be something that needs to come out, in terms of the kids, earlier rather than later, so they don't feel they've been lied to. Might want to have that conversation.


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## notmyjamie

wilson said:


> It sounds like you guys are pretty level headed and have made the roommate situation work for many years already. This will just be formalizing it. But realize that you are going into uncharted territory. Divorced people living together is not very common, so we're guessing as to what the struggles would be. Separate houses with shared custody is much more common, so going that path would have a lot more certainty as to the outcome. Just stay objective as to what is best for the kids. If the housemate thing isn't going well, then separate houses will probably be a better solution. Kids would prefer to have two calm households than one tense one.


I am really hoping this situation will work out. I know that it seems like we are "living together" but we really do have 2 separate apartments. He does not come into my apartment unless he has been invited in, just like if he lived across town from me. My doors lock and he does not have a key. My mother lived in this apartment for 13 years and we could go long stretches of time without seeing each other as the two apartments are very separate. This is why I'm hopeful this arrangement will work...that and the fact that there is no animosity between us. If it doesn't work out, then things will have to change but I feel I owe it to my children to at least try to keep their home for them until they are done with school. Changing school systems in high school is not fun. 




turnera said:


> In addition to TAM, which has the best advice on the internet, generally, there's another great site called marriageadvocates.com that is a great support for people.
> 
> Other than that, just do whatever your lawyer says.
> 
> Also, it might give you time to talk to your husband about his preferences. If he really is bi or gay, this might be something that needs to come out, in terms of the kids, earlier rather than later, so they don't feel they've been lied to. Might want to have that conversation.


Thank you. I very much would like to tell the kids the truth early on in the process, but my husband is just not accepting of the fact that he is bi/gay. I have recommended counseling for him with someone who specializes in this type of thing but I can't force him to go. He just keeps saying he's straight. But when I say "straight people don't do the things you've done" he has no answer for that. I can't force him out of the closet, that has to be his choice. When and if that time ever comes I will support my kids through it as best I can. That's the best I can do.


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## turnera

I know, I was just suggesting to keep this at the forefront. At some point, he's going to deal with it. Probably.


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## StillSearching

You live in separate apartments. 
Like he's across town.
You and he have not had sex in 6 years.
Do you have a guy you see? I'd be careful about him finding out. 
I can't imagine a sexless marriage that long. I'd have to be getting busy with someone....
It's that one life ...you know.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you've got time to pursue options. 

Hope your surgery recover goes swift and well.

Despite H being amicable now, there's a high percentage of Ds that all say will be amicable then reality (for most) hit home, one side gets feelings hurt, does a mean thing, there's retribution from other - and it's off to the "I'll destroy you and make sure you get nothing" stage.

Or some range in between the two.

Usually is best to plan for the worst and hope for the best. 

Prepare to be independent financially much earlier than three years. Play the what if strategy, such as if H said he wants us to live apart next month (or tomorrow) what would I do? 

If you're separated already in your own mind very likely you'll want to move out long before three years pass. 

As you grow more independent minded you'll want your own place or your H to move out.

Hubby may progress in his own external relationships with women, fueling the fires. When he wants freedom to bring another woman home, what will happen?

Lots of things can happen in three years. 

In that long of a span, the odds the separation turns non-amicable well increase due to pesky human emotions. 

Only you know what's best for you.

Good luck!


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## notmyjamie

StillSearching said:


> You live in separate apartments.
> Like he's across town.
> You and he have not had sex in 6 years.
> Do you have a guy you see? I'd be careful about him finding out.
> I can't imagine a sexless marriage that long. I'd have to be getting busy with someone....
> It's that one life ...you know.


I have never been unfaithful to my husband. I'm about as sexually frustrated as a person can be, but cheating is just not something I would ever do. I've been cheated on twice and I know how it feels. I had an opportunity to cheat with an ex a while ago, I did not, again, it's just not who I am. The guilt I would feel would far outweigh any pleasure I might have gotten from the sex. I would much rather divorce my husband and then move on. I'm hoping they'll be some nice guy out there who doesn't mind that I'm 50 and need to lose some weight. If not, I guess I'll survive, I've survived this long without it. LOL


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## StillSearching

notmyjamie said:


> I have never been unfaithful to my husband. I'm about as sexually frustrated as a person can be, but cheating is just not something I would ever do. I've been cheated on twice and I know how it feels. I had an opportunity to cheat with an ex a while ago, I did not, again, it's just not who I am. The guilt I would feel would far outweigh any pleasure I might have gotten from the sex. I would much rather divorce my husband and then move on. I'm hoping they'll be some nice guy out there who doesn't mind that I'm 50 and need to lose some weight. If not, I guess I'll survive, I've survived this long without it. LOL


There are plenty of us out here.

You going to wait for the State to sort out a divorce, before you date anyone?
That could take over a year. The paperwork was just a formality for me.
The moment I said "I want a divorce" and she said ok.....It was over.


----------



## notmyjamie

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you've got time to pursue options.
> 
> Hope your surgery recover goes swift and well.
> 
> Usually is best to plan for the worst and hope for the best.
> 
> Prepare to be independent financially much earlier than three years. Play the what if strategy, such as if H said he wants us to live apart next month (or tomorrow) what would I do?
> 
> If you're separated already in your own mind very likely you'll want to move out long before three years pass.
> 
> As you grow more independent minded you'll want your own place or your H to move out.
> 
> Hubby may progress in his own external relationships with women, fueling the fires. When he wants freedom to bring another woman home, what will happen?
> 
> Lots of things can happen in three years.
> 
> In that long of a span, the odds the separation turns non-amicable well increase due to pesky human emotions.
> 
> Only you know what's best for you.
> 
> Good luck!


Thank you. I have every intention of making sure I am financially independent very soon. I am lucky in that I make a very good living so I'm not too worried about finances. Things might be tight at first, but they'll be manageable. I am a nurse and I work 32 hours a week. I can always add 8 hours in quite easily to boost my income as needed. 

As for when/if my husband decides to date I will have no problem with it. I would hope he wouldn't want to introduce anyone to our kids until he's sure the relationship will progress. But I can't force him to do that. He is very free to see whoever he wants at this point, as I said earlier, I mourned the loss of our romantic relationship a long time ago. I don't see him that way and it would be unfair to say he can't go try and make things work with someone else.

I hope and pray we are able to keep things amicable. I'm sure we'll have disagreements but hopefully we can work them out as adults. My parents were able to do it and I've seen others do it successfully as well. If not, I'll have to come up with a new game plan. 

And I might not be able to wait the entire three years to move onto my own home/house. We'll see what happens. If it comes to it, we can sell and I can hopefully rent something in town in order to keep my daughter in this school system. That is not my initial game plan as it would uproot the kids and if this can work why not at least give it a try?

I went to work today to hand in some medical leave paperwork. My boss told me that I look "so free, like a huge weight has been lifted or something" She thought it was having this surgery behind me. Nope, it's that I have finally made this decision and moved on from my husband.

Tomorrow I look for a lawyer. I have no idea how to find a good one? Any tips????


----------



## Mr.Married

notmyjamie said:


> I have never been unfaithful to my husband. I'm about as sexually frustrated as a person can be, but cheating is just not something I would ever do. I've been cheated on twice and I know how it feels. I had an opportunity to cheat with an ex a while ago, I did not, again, it's just not who I am. The guilt I would feel would far outweigh any pleasure I might have gotten from the sex. I would much rather divorce my husband and then move on. I'm hoping they'll be some nice guy out there who doesn't mind that I'm 50 and need to lose some weight. If not, I guess I'll survive, I've survived this long without it. LOL


Good for you !!! This world could use more people just like notmyjamie.

There is a nice guy out there ...... and he's just waiting for a notmyjamie to come along.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Have you already removed H from your HIPPA docs, life insurance policies, etc?


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## Bibi1031

MattMatt said:


> If her husband doesn't want a divorce then a lawyer will be a necessity.


Things get really ugly real fast when a spouse wants out. Divorce is business while marriage is emotions. It can't be pretty. You will initially need a lawyer's advice and to begin the legal process of ending a marriage. Hopefully, your husband will not get nasty, but be prepared if he does.

It took you a long time, take your time to end this as well. I had to file fast because my X was eating us out of bank accounts and home. I filed to protect our children and our assets. Most of us file quickly due to financial reasons. It is in our best interest to do so before we become bankrupt and heartbroken too.


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## MovingForward

notmyjamie said:


> I have never been unfaithful to my husband. I'm about as sexually frustrated as a person can be, but cheating is just not something I would ever do. I've been cheated on twice and I know how it feels. I had an opportunity to cheat with an ex a while ago, I did not, again, it's just not who I am. The guilt I would feel would far outweigh any pleasure I might have gotten from the sex. I would much rather divorce my husband and then move on. I'm hoping they'll be some nice guy out there who doesn't mind that I'm 50 and need to lose some weight. If not, I guess I'll survive, I've survived this long without it. LOL


I waited for my Divorce to be signed before sleeping with anyone but I was talking to people prior, my divorce was short though, I would say and I am sure most agree once you decide it is over it is over and since you already live separate you are as good as single with only legal formalities holding it up. As others have said though just be careful about him finding out


----------



## wilson

When you were in counseling, did he ever give any reasons for not wanting sex anymore? I'm assuming the lack of sex came up at some point. 

Earlier you mentioned you be okay with him dating. Would that still be the case even if you were living at the same address? Imagine coming home and seeing the car of his dating partner in the driveway on a regular basis. And there's always a chance he could start dating men. And what about his feelings about you dating? How do you think he'd feel about seeing your boyfriend and his car at your place on a regular basis.


----------



## notmyjamie

Mr.Married said:


> Good for you !!! This world could use more people just like notmyjamie.
> 
> There is a nice guy out there ...... and he's just waiting for a notmyjamie to come along.


Thank you, you have no idea how nice that is to hear.



Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Have you already removed H from your HIPPA docs, life insurance policies, etc?


Waiting to talk with a lawyer. As the plan is to keep the house and split the expenses, I want to make sure my husband would get enough money to cover the lack of my continued contribution since my kids will still need to be supported. I have a few different life insurance policies, I'm thinking of leaving him as the beneficiary as one to cover paying off the house and having my kids be the beneficiary of the other two to cover college and other expenses. I was going to change my HIPPAA to my sister when I go back to work and can get a new form easily.



MovingForward said:


> I waited for my Divorce to be signed before sleeping with anyone but I was talking to people prior, my divorce was short though, I would say and I am sure most agree once you decide it is over it is over and since you already live separate you are as good as single with only legal formalities holding it up. As others have said though just be careful about him finding out


Although I have mourned the loss of my relationship, I don't feel ready to put myself out there just yet. If someone comes along that I am interested in before my divorce is final I'm not sure what I'll do. (They say you meet someone when you aren't looking, right?) Seems like my husband and I should probably decide in advance how we should handle this, overnight guests, etc. I don't think I'd be comfortable having anyone stay over with my kids here until I know it's a relationship heading towards something more lengthy. In other words, no casual dates will be coming back to my apartment while my kids live with me. (or ever really, not my style.)

I am so glad I found this forum. I can't thank you all enough for your advice and support. I know some people think I'm crazy to attempt sharing a house with my STBX but I'm very hopeful it will work.


----------



## notmyjamie

wilson said:


> When you were in counseling, did he ever give any reasons for not wanting sex anymore? I'm assuming the lack of sex came up at some point.
> 
> Earlier you mentioned you be okay with him dating. Would that still be the case even if you were living at the same address? Imagine coming home and seeing the car of his dating partner in the driveway on a regular basis. And there's always a chance he could start dating men. And what about his feelings about you dating? How do you think he'd feel about seeing your boyfriend and his car at your place on a regular basis.


He says he didn't want sex because of a lack of confidence and that it's totally normal for a married couple to stop having sex after 15 years. I have not gone into all the other evidence that leads me to conclude he is gay, but I'll sum it up by saying that after reviewing it all with the counselor, she basically told him he needs to address the fact that he's gay or at the very least bisexual and told us the best help she could offer us was the end things amicably.

I know people find it hard to believe, but I really won't have a problem with him dating, even if we are still living in this house. In fact, I'd have more of a problem if he started dating a woman as I'd hate to see someone else go through what I've gone through. (It would take hours to type it all out!!) I have spent many years coming to terms with his sexuality. I have gone through all the stages of grief and have come out on the other side. I feel sad for him that due to his family's initial response when signs of his desires became known they reacted so badly that he felt he had to hide his true nature. That's no way to live. I'd love to see him find someone and be happy. A happy guy makes a better Dad. Right now he's still hiding and drinking way too much on the weekends and I worry for him. My kids need him to be healthy and I want him to be healthy for himself and them. He's a good guy who has had a difficult time. I want him to be happy.

As for me dating, I know he'll have a difficult time with it and I'm going to need to be sensitive about it if it happens. But I'm not the type to bring home a casual fling or even have a casual fling, as much as right now I'd love to be that type, so he'll have time to get used to the idea. 

But it is something to think about so I think we're going to have to come up with some ground rules. I hope we can be respectful of each other. If it doesn't work out we'll have to change our game plan. 

Lots to think about. I'm grateful for your thoughts. Thank you!!


----------



## In Absentia

notmyjamie said:


> it's totally normal for a married couple to stop having sex after 15 years.



Sounds like my wife...  I'm in the same situation, but I only have a few months to wait (until the little one goes to uni). We've been sexless for 13 months now. We too have 2 separate houses, next to each others, so I'm moving into the smaller one. Planning to divorce on the long run... I don't have any advice, really, and wondering how the whole thing will work out. I'm also planning to spend a lot more time in my birth country (only a couple of hours away)...


----------



## notmyjamie

In Absentia said:


> Sounds like my wife...  I'm in the same situation, but I only have a few months to wait (until the little one goes to uni). We've been sexless for 13 months now. We too have 2 separate houses, next to each others, so I'm moving into the smaller one. Planning to divorce on the long run... I don't have any advice, really, and wondering how the whole thing will work out. I'm also planning to spend a lot more time in my birth country (only a couple of hours away)...


I wish you good luck. Hopefully things will go well for both of us. I know that living so close to your ex is very unconventional but maybe we'll be trendsetters 

Went to a party last night and as much as I want this divorce and feel ready to move on, it felt so strange to be there without my husband. Even if we never interacted, we were still a unit and that was gone. And obviously I have a lot to learn about dating, casual sex, etc. Met a young man, 26yo and his girlfriend, they seemed like a cute couple. I know his Mom as she lives down the street from me. The girlfriend was tired and decided to go home. The second this girl turned to leave, he asked me if I would sleep with him. I almost fell over from the shock!!! :surprise:


----------



## turnera

I'd be telling his mom.


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## notmyjamie

turnera said:


> I'd be telling his mom.


I think that might be the most uncomfortable conversation ever. LOL He's 26 and can live his life as he sees fit. I asked him what his GF would think of his request and he shrugged his shoulders and said "she knows, it's cool" and for all I know that's true. Doesn't mean I want to be a part of it though. Yuck.


----------



## turnera

Moms still give their 26 year olds hell for being a jerk. BTDT


----------



## Mr.Married

notmyjamie said:


> I think that might be the most uncomfortable conversation ever. LOL He's 26 and can live his life as he sees fit. I asked him what his GF would think of his request and he shrugged his shoulders and said "she knows, it's cool" and for all I know that's true. Doesn't mean I want to be a part of it though. Yuck.


You have to learn how to play the game.

You should have said..... "I'd prefer to sleep with your girlfriend...she is much hotter than you."

Ya got to beat those kids to the punch line >


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

You're going to be quite surprised at how many men are suddenly so _willing_ to offer their 'services' to you when they get word that you're divorcing. Most of these idiots (like the 26 year old idiot at the party) are under the mistaken impression that you'll be sexually 'deprived' and will *need* to take them up on their lame offers to share their magic member with you. Be still my beating heart! And sadly, some of those offers will be coming from men you've always respected and always thought were those rare 'dedicated' types. 

One final thought - the more that idiot 26 year old opened his mouth, the more ignorant he appeared. If his girlfriend 'knows' that he acts like a dog in heat the second she walks away and "_she's cool with it_," like he'd have you *believe*, then I have some oceanfront property in Colorado I'd like to sell you. Sadly, he won't be the last one who tries to pull that crap on you about being in an open relationship or open marriage when they're not.

That's all part of the magic of divorcing. But it's STILL better than being stuck in a marriage that's causing you to die a slow death so I'm happy to see you're moving on to a better way of life. Good for you.


----------



## In Absentia

She'sStillGotIt said:


> You're going to be quite surprised at how many men are suddenly so _willing_ to offer their 'services' to you when they get word that you're divorcing. Most of these idiots (like the 26 year old idiot at the party) are under the mistaken impression that you'll be sexually 'deprived' and will *need* to take them up on their lame offers to share their magic member with you. Be still my beating heart! And sadly, some of those offers will be coming from men you've always respected and always thought were those rare 'dedicated' types.
> 
> One final thought - the more that idiot 26 year old opened his mouth, the more ignorant he appeared. If his girlfriend 'knows' that he acts like a dog in heat the second she walks away and "_she's cool with it_," like he'd have you *believe*, then I have some oceanfront property in Colorado I'd like to sell you. Sadly, he won't be the last one who tries to pull that crap on you about being in an open relationship or open marriage when they're not.
> 
> That's all part of the magic of divorcing. But it's STILL better than being stuck in a marriage that's causing you to die a slow death so I'm happy to see you're moving on to a better way of life. Good for you.



That's why I haven't told anybody yet that I'm divorcing... you can imagine the queue of women waiting for me to step outside my house... :laugh:


----------



## notmyjamie

Mr.Married said:


> You have to learn how to play the game.
> 
> You should have said..... "I'd prefer to sleep with your girlfriend...she is much hotter than you."
> 
> Ya got to beat those kids to the punch line >


LOL!! I am SO stealing this if this happens again!!!!




She'sStillGotIt said:


> You're going to be quite surprised at how many men are suddenly so _willing_ to offer their 'services' to you when they get word that you're divorcing. Most of these idiots (like the 26 year old idiot at the party) are under the mistaken impression that you'll be sexually 'deprived' and will *need* to take them up on their lame offers to share their magic member with you. Be still my beating heart! And sadly, some of those offers will be coming from men you've always respected and always thought were those rare 'dedicated' types.
> 
> One final thought - the more that idiot 26 year old opened his mouth, the more ignorant he appeared. If his girlfriend 'knows' that he acts like a dog in heat the second she walks away and "_she's cool with it_," like he'd have you *believe*, then I have some oceanfront property in Colorado I'd like to sell you. Sadly, he won't be the last one who tries to pull that crap on you about being in an open relationship or open marriage when they're not.
> 
> That's all part of the magic of divorcing. But it's STILL better than being stuck in a marriage that's causing you to die a slow death so I'm happy to see you're moving on to a better way of life. Good for you.


I guess I'm just naive because I've found the whole thing quite shocking. Not that a 26yo is a pig but that he'd have any interest in a 50yo woman. But he acted like he just *had* to have me the second he heard the word separated. I think I'll be keeping that info private from now on. Thanks for the heads up that this is not unusual. I thought it was just a one time freakish evening. And I agree...much better to be out of my marriage and dealing with this stupid stuff than slowly dying inside.



In Absentia said:


> That's why I haven't told anybody yet that I'm divorcing... you can imagine the queue of women waiting for me to step outside my house... :laugh:


Good plan...this was literally the first time I had described myself as separated and bam! he went for it. It's a crazy world out there. :surprise:


----------



## In Absentia

notmyjamie said:


> I wish you good luck. Hopefully things will go well for both of us. I know that living so close to your ex is very unconventional but maybe we'll be trendsetters


I dreamt last night we were having a fight because she didn't want to be with me anymore... we were supposed to renew our vows and I called it off... ugly dream... I'm glad I'm out...


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## farsidejunky

When I was in my mid-twenties and freshly divorced, many of the women I dated were 10-20 years my senior and either fresh out of a divorce or separated enroute to one. Nearly every one of was willing to make it sexual quickly...as in the-night-I-met-them-quickly.

Separated=Potential Opportunity to many men, especially the unhealthy ones, as I was at that time.

But in fairness, so were they.

Emotional pain makes many of us do funny things. 

Take your time and screen them well. Many will smell a "wounded woman" and exploit it. Unless, of course, you just want to do things that way.

Best of luck to you. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## sokillme

notmyjamie said:


> Thank you, I have found an online support group but a lot of the posters are so angry and I don't want to hold onto anger. I firmly believe my husband did not do this to me on purpose and so I can forgive and move on. He's hurting, very badly in fact, so what's the point of holding onto that anger which will just rot my soul?
> 
> I very much want to come to an agreement about all those things you mentioned. I will have to sit down with my husband soon to make out a plan. Again, I'm going slowly so that he doesn't' get too overwhelmed. So far, he has been respecting my boundaries in the apartment. He treats it like a separate house, doesn't enter without knocking, doesn't assume he's invited to dinner, etc.
> 
> 
> 
> Thank you so much for all your advice. I am making a list of everything I need to do and will bring up with a lawyer soon. You've given me lots to add to the list!
> 
> 
> 
> I'm taking it slow so that my husband has time to adjust. He is not happy about the divorce, he wants to stay married. By going slowly, he has time to adjust and so far he's given me everything I've wanted. He also has some issues with anxiety and I don't want to set that off for him. I've recommended counseling for him and he's "looked into it" but I don't know if he's going yet or not. I need him to be as healthy as possible for my kids' sake and to make these adjustments go smoothly.
> 
> I am also recovering from major surgery at the moment so that is occupying a lot of my energy right now. Once I am feeling better, I am hoping to go out more, socialize more, make a new set of friends separate from the group I share with my husband, get back to the gym (I lost 30lbs last year, need to continue working on that!) and stop hiding from life. I'm looking forward to it!!! You are right that we only get one life. My plan is to enjoy it!


Do you plan on dating while sharing a house?


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## In Absentia

sokillme said:


> Do you plan on dating while sharing a house?


I'm interested in that too... :laugh:


----------



## notmyjamie

sokillme said:


> Do you plan on dating while sharing a house?


I would like to think that dating is something I will be able to do in the future. How that will work out with us both living so close to each other I do not know. The fact is that I would not be the type to bring men home to stay overnight if my children were still living with me anyway so I have no idea how it will all work out. (At least not until I'm sure the relationship will be a lasting one)

The truth is that this is not something I've discussed with my husband yet. My feeling is that once we are divorced, we are free to date whomever we'd like and we should both be allowed to have company in our own apartments. They are separate apartments with completely separate entrances so we each have some privacy. It sounds simple enough as I write it, but humans come with these pesky things called emotions and so I know it might not be that simple. I'm fine with him dating, I've come to terms with the fact that I am not what he wants but unfortunately I think he is a "I don't want her, but I don't want anyone else to have her" type and so that might create problems for me. Maybe not, time will tell. I have told my children that staying here until graduation is the goal but it may or may not work out. It really depends on how we get along and how much we are each able to let the other move on with their life.

At the moment, he seems to be doing a 180 on me and I hope it's for his own benefit and not because he thinks it will win me back. Because I really don't understand how someone could want nothing to do with you for years but then not be willing to let you go when it's finally time to move on. The few times I've seen him over the past week he's been cordial but not much more than that, which is fine for me as long as it's for his benefit and not to make me see I've made a mistake because I know I haven't other than waiting so long to finally leave this marriage.


----------



## sokillme

notmyjamie said:


> I would like to think that dating is something I will be able to do in the future. How that will work out with us both living so close to each other I do not know. The fact is that I would not be the type to bring men home to stay overnight if my children were still living with me anyway so I have no idea how it will all work out. (At least not until I'm sure the relationship will be a lasting one)
> 
> The truth is that this is not something I've discussed with my husband yet. My feeling is that once we are divorced, we are free to date whomever we'd like and we should both be allowed to have company in our own apartments. They are separate apartments with completely separate entrances so we each have some privacy. It sounds simple enough as I write it, but humans come with these pesky things called emotions and so I know it might not be that simple. I'm fine with him dating, I've come to terms with the fact that I am not what he wants but unfortunately I think he is a "I don't want her, but I don't want anyone else to have her" type and so that might create problems for me. Maybe not, time will tell. I have told my children that staying here until graduation is the goal but it may or may not work out. It really depends on how we get along and how much we are each able to let the other move on with their life.
> 
> At the moment, he seems to be doing a 180 on me and I hope it's for his own benefit and not because he thinks it will win me back. Because I really don't understand how someone could want nothing to do with you for years but then not be willing to let you go when it's finally time to move on. The few times I've seen him over the past week he's been cordial but not much more than that, which is fine for me as long as it's for his benefit and not to make me see I've made a mistake because I know I haven't other than waiting so long to finally leave this marriage.


Can I ask you the question? What is the message you are showing your kids if you stay married and you both are dating other people? Let me give you an example. I have a friend whose wife grew up in a home with know love. Maybe there was love early on but her parents had issues and were not affectionate at all, theirs was a business partnership but they stayed together for the kids only to get divorced after the kids grew up. 

Because of this she shows no affection with her husband because she never saw it. In her mind she is very good wife though and she is in a lot of ways. But she has no frame of reference how to be this man's lover or even just affectionate. She cooks and cleans, she doesn't cheat. He is miserable and is close to divorcing her. If you didn't know what was going on you would think they have a great marriage. Her parents contributed to that. 

The point is what her parents showed her is that affection wasn't necessary for a good marriage. It seams like nothing was talked about and this is just what she thought was normal. Only when she was older did she understand how bad the marriage was. That was wrong. I ask again, what are you teaching your kids by continuing your situation? Is it possible you think this way because as you say, your parents did the same and you looked at it as a positive. I would point out though, that you that you stayed in a sexless marriage for 13 years. 13 YEARS! A marriage that wasn't a marriage. Were you willing to do that because the same was modeled for you growing up? How would you feel if one of your kids did the same? 

After my friend told me this story I will never again think staying for the kids is the right thing to do, assuming both parents are healthy and of sound mind. 

I think if you are going to move on do it now, show your kids an assertive determined person who wants and is going to get a better life. Let your husband deal with his own demons, you moving out may even help that. If he IS gay he married you under false pretenses, you don't have to protect him from that. 

At least it's not as simple as you think.


----------



## sokillme

notmyjamie said:


> I would like to think that dating is something I will be able to do in the future. How that will work out with us both living so close to each other I do not know. The fact is that I would not be the type to bring men home to stay overnight if my children were still living with me anyway so I have no idea how it will all work out. (At least not until I'm sure the relationship will be a lasting one)
> 
> The truth is that this is not something I've discussed with my husband yet. My feeling is that once we are divorced, we are free to date whomever we'd like and we should both be allowed to have company in our own apartments. They are separate apartments with completely separate entrances so we each have some privacy. It sounds simple enough as I write it, but humans come with these pesky things called emotions and so I know it might not be that simple. I'm fine with him dating, I've come to terms with the fact that I am not what he wants but unfortunately I think he is a "I don't want her, but I don't want anyone else to have her" type and so that might create problems for me. Maybe not, time will tell. I have told my children that staying here until graduation is the goal but it may or may not work out. It really depends on how we get along and how much we are each able to let the other move on with their life.
> 
> At the moment, he seems to be doing a 180 on me and I hope it's for his own benefit and not because he thinks it will win me back. Because I really don't understand how someone could want nothing to do with you for years but then not be willing to let you go when it's finally time to move on. The few times I've seen him over the past week he's been cordial but not much more than that, which is fine for me as long as it's for his benefit and not to make me see I've made a mistake because I know I haven't other than waiting so long to finally leave this marriage.


How do you think you living in an "apartment" that is part of the house you lived in, with your husband who is still there, is going to go over? I think it's going to be hard to find a quality guy who would want to put up with that. 

Who are you protecting here really?


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## 3Xnocharm

@sokillme, I am pretty sure in reading her posts that she IS going forward with divorce. She is just going to try to stay living in the other apartment on the property until her kid graduates in 3 years...


----------



## notmyjamie

sokillme said:


> Can I ask you the question? What is the message you are showing your kids if you stay married and you both are dating other people? Let me give you an example. I have a friend whose wife grew up in a home with know love. Maybe there was love early on but her parents had issues and were not affectionate at all, theirs was a business partnership but they stayed together for the kids only to get divorced after the kids grew up.
> 
> Because of this she shows no affection with her husband because she never saw it. In her mind she is very good wife though and she is in a lot of ways. But she has no frame of reference how to be this man's lover or even just affectionate. She cooks and cleans, she doesn't cheat. He is miserable and is close to divorcing her. If you didn't know what was going on you would think they have a great marriage. Her parents contributed to that.
> 
> The point is what her parents showed her is that affection wasn't necessary for a good marriage. It seams like nothing was talked about and this is just what she thought was normal. Only when she was older did she understand how bad the marriage was. That was wrong. I ask again, what are you teaching your kids by continuing your situation? Is it possible you think this way because as you say, your parents did the same and you looked at it as a positive. I would point out though, that you that you stayed in a sexless marriage for 13 years. 13 YEARS! A marriage that wasn't a marriage. Were you willing to do that because the same was modeled for you growing up? How would you feel if one of your kids did the same?
> 
> After my friend told me this story I will never again think staying for the kids is the right thing to do, assuming both parents are healthy and of sound mind.
> 
> I think if you are going to move on do it now, show your kids an assertive determined person who wants and is going to get a better life. Let your husband deal with his own demons, you moving out may even help that. If he IS gay he married you under false pretenses, you don't have to protect him from that.
> 
> At least it's not as simple as you think.


I am not going to stay married. I'm getting a divorce. I think because we are going to share our house you think we're staying married, we aren't. And sharing the house is not sharing the same living space. The house has 2 completely separate apartments in it. (like a duplex except one is larger than the other) He has one and I have the other. My kids bedrooms are on his side but they are free to come in and out of my house as they want, my husband is not nor will he be after the divorce. I have no plans to stay married and date, just not my style.

As for why I stayed so long, it's complicated. If you haven't ever turned on your computer and found evidence that your spouse was trolling for homosexual sex you have NO CLUE ON EARTH what I went through. He swore up and down it was just something he stumbled into and his curiosity got the better of him. And it didn't turn sexless for a number of years after that. I wanted to believe him because otherwise my entire marriage and the conception of my children was a big fat giant lie. Do you have ANY IDEA how that feels??? So I admit, I buried it deep, real deep so that I didn't have to face it. It's humiliating on so many levels. I didn't want people to know what a complete idiot I had been as to not know this about my husband. Even now, the few people in my life I've told all say the same thing "How didn't you notice? Wasn't the sex bad? I just don't understand" as if I'm some freak. For a lot of years it was buried, and we were a loving couple, we shared affection, sex, companionship, etc. It was not until the last 6 that my husband started having more and more trouble performing in the bedroom and even then he had a lot of excuses, stress from work, low testosterone, etc, etc, etc. The more problems he had in the bedroom the more he pulled away completely as did I. 2 years ago we just stopped and he started hiding from me, making sure I was asleep before he came to bed, etc. I assume because he didn't want me to ask for sex. So I didn't. Then a month or so ago I heard him talking in his sleep, he was clearly having sex, with a man, and was very into it. Everything I had buried came unburied and I knew at that moment I had to get out of the marriage. 


At the time of the initial discovery, my mother was living in our extra apartment and I had 3 very young children. So besides not being able to emotionally handle what I discovered, I had no idea how I could leave the marriage and not leave my mother homeless and I had no idea how I would handle 3 kids 6 and under alone while working night shifts with no chance at my job of changing shifts. I was completely overwhelmed.

I'm sorry if those reasons are not good enough for you as to why I stayed. I wish I had been strong enough to leave back then but I wasn't. Again, if it hasn't happened to you, you have NO idea what it's like so please don't judge me. My goals now are to move forward. My kids spent most of their childhood seeing my husband and I being affectionate. IT only dried up over the last couple years. My daughter, who is 19, is extremely affectionate with her boyfriend. I am very affectionate with my kids, as is my husband. 

I am trying to take back my life while causing the least amount of upheaval to my children as possible. It's 3 years until my daughter graduates, not 30. Who knows if I'll even feel ready to try to trust someone again enough to date before those 3 years are up. I have been deceived in a way you can't possibly comprehend. That's not something you just bounce back from, believe me. But I am proceeding with the divorce, you can divorce and retain ownership of the house until whenever you decide to sell it in my state. I know people who have done it. Am I sure it will work in our case? NO, but I feel for my children's sake I should at least try.


----------



## notmyjamie

sokillme said:


> How do you think you living in an "apartment" that is part of the house you lived in, with your husband who is still there, is going to go over? I think it's going to be hard to find a quality guy who would want to put up with that.
> 
> Who are you protecting here really?


I would hope that he would realize this is a short term sacrifice I'm making for my children and he'd think that was admirable. As my husband is gay there is not much chance he'd need to be jealous, correct? He may not want to end the marriage and give up the "family" life he has grown attached to, but believe me, he does not want me back in his bed nor do I ever want to go back there.

And I'm protecting my children. I am their mother, that's my job. While I don't think it's healthy to put all my own needs aside for my children, I do think it's important to find a way to meet mine and theirs in a compatible way. And that's a message I hope they keep for life. No one person's needs should ever trump someone else's needs completely.


----------



## wilson

notmyjamie said:


> Even now, the few people in my life I've told all say the same thing "How didn't you notice? Wasn't the sex bad? I just don't understand" as if I'm some freak. For a lot of years it was buried, and we were a loving couple, we shared affection, sex, companionship, etc.


I'm not sure how relevant this is, but I knew someone from college who came out as gay after decades of marriage. Back when I knew him, I don't think he was gay and hiding it. I guess he was bi, but he was much more straight than gay. None of us had any clue. He dated women and seemed to genuinely enjoy it. There was no reason for him to fake being into women, as we were a bunch of dateless computer nerds anyway. He could have just not dated women and been like the rest of us  His family wasn't religious and wouldn't have cared. He met his wife in college and seemed very happy to be with her, and was very happy for years, and so was she. She was pretty adventurous about sex and open about talking about their relationship. It doesn't make any sense that he was faking it to that level given that his family, friends and community wouldn't have really cared all that much.

But later things got rough and he left the marriage saying he was gay. My feeling is that he got unhappy in marriage (as many do), struggled with wanting to leave, and the gay side grew as an undeniable way get out of the marriage. If he's gay, then of course he has to get divorced! He changed a lot after the marriage. It almost seemed like he was forcing himself to like being gay so he could accept what happened. But who knows. Maybe he really was gay the whole time and repressing it. Regardless, I think a divorce was the right answer in their relationship gay or not.

So anyway, maybe it was similar in your marriage. Maybe he had some gay tendencies that later came out stronger as a coping mechanism. So I can totally believe that you had a good, strong marriage and nothing was wrong. I believe he could have been 90% straight or whatever back then and you'd have no clue.


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## sokillme

notmyjamie said:


> I am not going to stay married. I'm getting a divorce. I think because we are going to share our house you think we're staying married, we aren't. And sharing the house is not sharing the same living space. The house has 2 completely separate apartments in it. (like a duplex except one is larger than the other) He has one and I have the other. My kids bedrooms are on his side but they are free to come in and out of my house as they want, my husband is not nor will he be after the divorce. I have no plans to stay married and date, just not my style.
> 
> As for why I stayed so long, it's complicated. If you haven't ever turned on your computer and found evidence that your spouse was trolling for homosexual sex you have NO CLUE ON EARTH what I went through. He swore up and down it was just something he stumbled into and his curiosity got the better of him. And it didn't turn sexless for a number of years after that. I wanted to believe him because otherwise my entire marriage and the conception of my children was a big fat giant lie. Do you have ANY IDEA how that feels??? So I admit, I buried it deep, real deep so that I didn't have to face it. It's humiliating on so many levels. I didn't want people to know what a complete idiot I had been as to not know this about my husband. Even now, the few people in my life I've told all say the same thing "How didn't you notice? Wasn't the sex bad? I just don't understand" as if I'm some freak. For a lot of years it was buried, and we were a loving couple, we shared affection, sex, companionship, etc. It was not until the last 6 that my husband started having more and more trouble performing in the bedroom and even then he had a lot of excuses, stress from work, low testosterone, etc, etc, etc. The more problems he had in the bedroom the more he pulled away completely as did I. 2 years ago we just stopped and he started hiding from me, making sure I was asleep before he came to bed, etc. I assume because he didn't want me to ask for sex. So I didn't. Then a month or so ago I heard him talking in his sleep, he was clearly having sex, with a man, and was very into it. Everything I had buried came unburied and I knew at that moment I had to get out of the marriage.
> 
> 
> At the time of the initial discovery, my mother was living in our extra apartment and I had 3 very young children. So besides not being able to emotionally handle what I discovered, I had no idea how I could leave the marriage and not leave my mother homeless and I had no idea how I would handle 3 kids 6 and under alone while working night shifts with no chance at my job of changing shifts. I was completely overwhelmed.
> 
> I'm sorry if those reasons are not good enough for you as to why I stayed. I wish I had been strong enough to leave back then but I wasn't. Again, if it hasn't happened to you, you have NO idea what it's like so please don't judge me. My goals now are to move forward. My kids spent most of their childhood seeing my husband and I being affectionate. IT only dried up over the last couple years. My daughter, who is 19, is extremely affectionate with her boyfriend. I am very affectionate with my kids, as is my husband.
> 
> I am trying to take back my life while causing the least amount of unheaval to my children as possible. It's 3 years until my daughter graduates, not 30. Who knows if I'll even feel ready to try to trust someone again enough to date before those 3 years are up. I have been deceived in a way you can't possibly comprehend. That's not something you just bounce back from, believe me. But I am proceeding with the divorce, you can divorce and retain ownership of the house until whenever you decide to sell it in my state. I know people who have done it. Am I sure it will work in our case? NO, but I feel for my children's sake I should at least try.


I didn't mean my post to come across as criticism of you, but I can see how it would. You are right I have NO IDEA. The point I was trying to make is staying for the kids is not necessarily a good thing, and often not about the kids.

I'm sorry if my post caused you pain, seems like you had a bad enough deal.


----------



## notmyjamie

wilson said:


> I'm not sure how relevant this is, but I knew someone from college who came out as gay after decades of marriage. Back when I knew him, I don't think he was gay and hiding it. I guess he was bi, but he was much more straight than gay. None of us had any clue. He dated women and seemed to genuinely enjoy it. There was no reason for him to fake being into women, as we were a bunch of dateless computer nerds anyway. He could have just not dated women and been like the rest of us  His family wasn't religious and wouldn't have cared. He met his wife in college and seemed very happy to be with her, and was very happy for years, and so was she. She was pretty adventurous about sex and open about talking about their relationship. It doesn't make any sense that he was faking it to that level given that his family, friends and community wouldn't have really cared all that much.
> 
> But later things got rough and he left the marriage saying he was gay. My feeling is that he got unhappy in marriage (as many do), struggled with wanting to leave, and the gay side grew as an undeniable way get out of the marriage. If he's gay, then of course he has to get divorced! He changed a lot after the marriage. It almost seemed like he was forcing himself to like being gay so he could accept what happened. But who knows. Maybe he really was gay the whole time and repressing it. Regardless, I think a divorce was the right answer in their relationship gay or not.
> 
> So anyway, maybe it was similar in your marriage. Maybe he had some gay tendencies that later came out stronger as a coping mechanism. So I can totally believe that you had a good, strong marriage and nothing was wrong. I believe he could have been 90% straight or whatever back then and you'd have no clue.


I don't believe my husband is using it as a way to end the marriage. He very much denies that he is gay insisting that he is just curious or that it only represents "10%" of who he is and insists he "could never be in a relationship with a man" also states the idea of kissing a man is repulsive. I think he is gay sexually but straight emotionally. He enjoys and craves everything about the straight life except for the sex. I'm 100% certain he loves me, just not the way I need/want a husband to love me. Most of the research I've done indicates that this happens fairly frequently and these men can perform or even enjoy a sex life with a woman for many years but as they start to explore their homosexual tendencies via porn or random hookups, etc they lose their ability to perform with their wives. This is what I believe happened in my marriage.

Thank you for sharing your story. I know I am not alone in this, but it's very hard not to feel that way at times.


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## notmyjamie

sokillme said:


> I didn't mean my post to come across as criticism of you, but I can see how it would. You are right I have NO IDEA. The point I was trying to make is staying for the kids is not necessarily a good thing, and often not about the kids.
> 
> I'm sorry if my post caused you pain, seems like you had a bad enough deal.



Thank you, I appreciate your apology. I do agree that staying in a bad marriage for the kids is not a good thing. Over the past two years I have found myself slowly withdrawing from both my husband and the family. I haven't been the kind of mother I want to be because I've been hiding away in my bedroom every night. Granted, I have had some very serious, long term medical issues in that time so some of it was about that, but even when I got better, I stayed withdrawn. 

Now, I'm in my own space and I'm spending quality time with my children again. I'm back to being me. Almost everyone I've seen in the past few weeks has remarked that "you seem so much happier and lighter, like a weight's been lifted after many years" and most of these people do not know yet that I have moved out. And as much as I don't think they like the idea of having divorced parents, I know my children are enjoying the fact that I'm no longer hiding. I know I'm enjoying it immensely. 

I am living here for the kids, I am not staying married for the kids. I am trying to keep it as amicable as possible for their sake, but I will be proceeding with a divorce.


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## notmyjamie

In Absentia said:


> I dreamt last night we were having a fight because she didn't want to be with me anymore... we were supposed to renew our vows and I called it off... ugly dream... I'm glad I'm out...



I hate when dreams are too close to real life. *hugs*

I know your situation is similar to mine in that you are living in a separate apartment until your youngest graduates. Is that working for you? Is your (ex)wife respectful of your space? Any problems I should watch out for as time goes on?


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## In Absentia

notmyjamie said:


> I hate when dreams are too close to real life. *hugs*
> 
> I know your situation is similar to mine in that you are living in a separate apartment until your youngest graduates. Is that working for you? Is your (ex)wife respectful of your space? Any problems I should watch out for as time goes on?


I haven't moved yet... a couple of weeks ago, she said if I could wait so she could think about it and maybe revive our marriage in the near future. I said I would think about it. But I haven't given her an answer yet. One part of me wants to, but another part knows she won't change. Maybe at the beginning. She needs therapy and she won't go. Then things will stay the same or get worse, although I don't see how they could get worse. I feel guilty about divorcing just because of the sex. Because this is how she sees it. I have explained to her many times that it's not just sex. It's the intimate connection. She has withdrawn sex for the last 13 months, knowing very well how it hurts me. How can I be with somebody who does this intentionally? She's told me I can have sex somewhere else, but I don't want sex "somewhere else"... we need to separate first. 

She's also accused me of being angry about the lack of sex (wanted sex twice a month) for a period of time about 10 years ago, at the height of our crisis. Now she can't get over it. This is why she doesn't want sex... apart from being mentally ill, being on anti-depressants, suffering from empty nest syndrome and the menopause... so, yes, she's blaming me.

It's a total mess. After 30 years together, I find it very difficult to let go. I know she is not well either, but she won't do anything to fix herself. I can't stay in this marriage.


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## turnera

People keep the pain they are most comfortable with - until a worse pain causes them to change. She's ok with the status quo. Apparently her 'anger' at how you've acted isn't painful enough for her to leave you, right? In other words, it's just an excuse she pulls out to control you, make you shut up.

The ONLY chance you have of getting her to decide to go to therapy or fix anything is by leaving.


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## In Absentia

turnera said:


> People keep the pain they are most comfortable with - until a worse pain causes them to change. She's ok with the status quo. Apparently her 'anger' at how you've acted isn't painful enough for her to leave you, right? In other words, it's just an excuse she pulls out to control you, make you shut up.
> 
> The ONLY chance you have of getting her to decide to go to therapy or fix anything is by leaving.


yes, you are right... her anger at my anger is not enough for her to leave me. And despite me threatening many times, I've never left for real. So, it's an empty threat. Last time I said I wanted a separate life and that I was going to have sex with other people. She said "fine"... because she doesn't believe me. And she is right. I didn't do it. Now we are back to square one with me waiting for her to change her mind... again. In the meantime, I have changed my mind 347 times... the only way to break this vicious circle is to do the right thing: go. This doesn't mean she is going to go to therapy. Only that she will be alone for the rest of her life. I understand she doesn't want to face her ghosts, but she never had the decency to tell me: actually, we are going to divorce now. She is waiting for me to do it, because she knows I won't...


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## notmyjamie

In Absentia said:


> I haven't moved yet... a couple of weeks ago, she said if I could wait so she could think about it and maybe revive our marriage in the near future. I said I would think about it. But I haven't given her an answer yet. One part of me wants to, but another part knows she won't change. Maybe at the beginning. She needs therapy and she won't go. Then things will stay the same or get worse, although I don't see how they could get worse. I feel guilty about divorcing just because of the sex. Because this is how she sees it. I have explained to her many times that it's not just sex. It's the intimate connection. She has withdrawn sex for the last 13 months, knowing very well how it hurts me. How can I be with somebody who does this intentionally? She's told me I can have sex somewhere else, but I don't want sex "somewhere else"... we need to separate first.
> 
> She's also accused me of being angry about the lack of sex (wanted sex twice a month) for a period of time about 10 years ago, at the height of our crisis. Now she can't get over it. This is why she doesn't want sex... apart from being mentally ill, being on anti-depressants, suffering from empty nest syndrome and the menopause... so, yes, she's blaming me.
> 
> It's a total mess. After 30 years together, I find it very difficult to let go. I know she is not well either, but she won't do anything to fix herself. I can't stay in this marriage.


I just read your entire thread dating back quite a few years. She seems to repeat this pattern and you let her. If she hasn't changed by now, she's not going to and for your own mental health it's time to move on. You've been honest about your needs, which are not unreasonable btw, and she has chosen time and time again to continue to ignore them. I understand that she has some mental health issues, but the fact that she refuses to get any help for them speaks volumes about how little your love means to her. She likes everything about being married except for the intimacy and sex. But a marriage without intimacy is just roommates and while it's nice to have a roommate it's not what you need. I know from experience that it is soul crushing to be alone when your spouse is standing right next to you. 

I think if you moved out now, you might find that a huge weight has been lifted from you. Yes, it's hard to give up some of the expectations and comforts that come with having a partner. I am getting used to that now, taking out my own trash, calling for my own car repairs, etc, etc but those things pale in comparison to how much better I feel now that I am no longer alone in my marriage. The feeling of being alone is SO TOTALLY different when you're alone because you're single vs alone because your spouse doesn't want you. I can't express enough to you that you will feel better when the expectation of "she should want me, why doesn't she?" goes away. If you move out, you stop that expectation and you instantly feel better. 

I recommend that you do move out. If you aren't ready to say it's permanent than commit to trying it for 6 months to see what happens. I also think at this point that you need IC to help you navigate this change in your life. If you don't, nothing will change and you will find yourself 20 years from now realizing you've wasted 50 years of your life. That is NO way to live.


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## 3Xnocharm

notmyjamie said:


> I just read your entire thread dating back quite a few years. She seems to repeat this pattern and you let her. If she hasn't changed by now, she's not going to and for your own mental health it's time to move on. You've been honest about your needs, which are not unreasonable btw, and she has chosen time and time again to continue to ignore them. I understand that she has some mental health issues, but the fact that she refuses to get any help for them speaks volumes about how little your love means to her. She likes everything about being married except for the intimacy and sex. But a marriage without intimacy is just roommates and while it's nice to have a roommate it's not what you need. I know from experience that it is soul crushing to be alone when your spouse is standing right next to you.


100% spot on. 



notmyjamie said:


> I think if you moved out now, you might find that a huge weight has been lifted from you. Yes, it's hard to give up some of the expectations and comforts that come with having a partner. I am getting used to that now, taking out my own trash, calling for my own car repairs, etc, etc but those things pale in comparison to how much better I feel now that I am no longer alone in my marriage. The feeling of being alone is SO TOTALLY different when you're alone because you're single vs alone because your spouse doesn't want you. I can't express enough to you that you will feel better when the expectation of "she should want me, why doesn't she?" goes away. If you move out, you stop that expectation and you instantly feel better.
> 
> I recommend that you do move out. If you aren't ready to say it's permanent than commit to trying it for 6 months to see what happens. I also think at this point that you need IC to help you navigate this change in your life. If you don't, nothing will change and you will find yourself 20 years from now realizing you've wasted 50 years of your life. That is NO way to live.


Jamie, you are doing awesome, you are to be commended for how your are handling yourself and moving forward.


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## In Absentia

notmyjamie said:


> I just read your entire thread dating back quite a few years. She seems to repeat this pattern and you let her. If she hasn't changed by now, she's not going to and for your own mental health it's time to move on. You've been honest about your needs, which are not unreasonable btw, and she has chosen time and time again to continue to ignore them. I understand that she has some mental health issues, but the fact that she refuses to get any help for them speaks volumes about how little your love means to her. She likes everything about being married except for the intimacy and sex. But a marriage without intimacy is just roommates and while it's nice to have a roommate it's not what you need. I know from experience that it is soul crushing to be alone when your spouse is standing right next to you.
> 
> I think if you moved out now, you might find that a huge weight has been lifted from you. Yes, it's hard to give up some of the expectations and comforts that come with having a partner. I am getting used to that now, taking out my own trash, calling for my own car repairs, etc, etc but those things pale in comparison to how much better I feel now that I am no longer alone in my marriage. The feeling of being alone is SO TOTALLY different when you're alone because you're single vs alone because your spouse doesn't want you. I can't express enough to you that you will feel better when the expectation of "she should want me, why doesn't she?" goes away. If you move out, you stop that expectation and you instantly feel better.
> 
> I recommend that you do move out. If you aren't ready to say it's permanent than commit to trying it for 6 months to see what happens. I also think at this point that you need IC to help you navigate this change in your life. If you don't, nothing will change and you will find yourself 20 years from now realizing you've wasted 50 years of your life. That is NO way to live.



I totally agree. My "little one" goes to uni in September... that will be the time to move out. I don't need a 6 months trial. As you say, she will never change. I need this massive weight to be lifted off my shoulders. Then, I will tell the other kids. The older one knows already. She knows about my September deadline. In fact, she suggested it. 

I guess that, after over 30 years together, I'm scared and I find it very difficult to let go. But I need to do it because this is killing me. Thanks for you kind words.


----------



## notmyjamie

3Xnocharm said:


> Jamie, you are doing awesome, you are to be commended for how your are handling yourself and moving forward.


Thank you. I'm trying. I still have my moments, believe me. I still occasionally wallow in the "why me?" of it all. But I guess everyone has those feelings about stuff in their life. I know others have dealt with much worse than I have so things could be worse. So I give myself a few moments to wallow and then I move on to something else, something more positive.


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## notmyjamie

In Absentia said:


> I totally agree. My "little one" goes to uni in September... that will be the time to move out. I don't need a 6 months trial. As you say, she will never change. I need this massive weight to be lifted off my shoulders. Then, I will tell the other kids. The older one knows already. She knows about my September deadline. In fact, she suggested it.
> 
> I guess that, after over 30 years together, I'm scared and I find it very difficult to let go. But I need to do it because this is killing me. Thanks for you kind words.


I know that you are trying to find the right timing for your youngest. I am in the US and I know school is done differently here than in the UK, but has your child been admitted to college yet? If so, then if he/she struggles a bit now, it would be a better time than when he/she is starting in college and having to experience huge changes in life, ie. moving out of the house, new school, trying to make new friends, etc. I think dealing with the change in your marriage and living situation would be easier NOW than later. Just something to think about. 

I was very worried about my kids and my husband was as well. My oldest is in her first year of college. Guess what, they are all surviving. Yes, they too, have their moments. But in the end, they are doing quite well. None of their grades have suffered. They are adjusting. I think it really helps that although I "moved out" I am still right here, close and available. It also helps that things are very amicable between my husband and I. I can't stress enough the difference it makes. Kids not having to choose between their parents is crucial in helping them through this.

I know it's hard to let go. That's why I think some counseling would help you to see that you are worth so much more than what you're getting in this marriage and give you the strength to let go.


----------



## In Absentia

notmyjamie said:


> I know that you are trying to find the right timing for your youngest. I am in the US and I know school is done differently here than in the UK, but has your child been admitted to college yet? If so, then if he/she struggles a bit now, it would be a better time than when he/she is starting in college and having to experience huge changes in life, ie. moving out of the house, new school, trying to make new friends, etc. I think dealing with the change in your marriage and living situation would be easier NOW than later. Just something to think about.
> 
> I was very worried about my kids and my husband was as well. My oldest is in her first year of college. Guess what, they are all surviving. Yes, they too, have their moments. But in the end, they are doing quite well. None of their grades have suffered. They are adjusting. I think it really helps that although I "moved out" I am still right here, close and available. It also helps that things are very amicable between my husband and I. I can't stress enough the difference it makes. Kids not having to choose between their parents is crucial in helping them through this.
> 
> I know it's hard to let go. That's why I think some counseling would help you to see that you are worth so much more than what you're getting in this marriage and give you the strength to let go.



We've been discussing (here) the right timing... some people suggested May, after she finishes her exams... I think this is probably the best solution. The problem is that the children expect us to go on holiday all together this summer as a family unit and I would like that, because it would be the last time... so, it's not an easy decision. As far as IC is concerned, I'm struggling to find one... because there are so many! :laugh:


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## turnera

In Absentia said:


> I totally agree. My "little one" goes to uni in September... that will be the time to move out. I don't need a 6 months trial. As you say, she will never change. I need this massive weight to be lifted off my shoulders. Then, I will tell the other kids. The older one knows already. She knows about my September deadline. In fact, she suggested it.
> 
> I guess that, after over 30 years together, I'm scared and I find it very difficult to let go. But I need to do it because this is killing me. Thanks for you kind words.


Well, I've been giving advice in forums for more than 10 years now. And I can tell you of the thousands of people whose story I've followed, there wasn't a single one who STAYED and came back and said it was the right thing to do. OTOH, I can name at least 20 people who've come back (most never come back) and said that leaving was the best decision they ever made, they couldn't believe how much they were enjoying life, and they were happier than they ever thought they would be, way back when.


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## notmyjamie

In Absentia said:


> We've been discussing (here) the right timing... some people suggested May, after she finishes her exams... I think this is probably the best solution. The problem is that the children expect us to go on holiday all together this summer as a family unit and I would like that, because it would be the last time... so, it's not an easy decision. As far as IC is concerned, I'm struggling to find one... because there are so many! :laugh:


I wonder how much you'd actually enjoy that last vacation? Once I made the decision to leave I waited until after the holidays wanting to give my kids one last Christmas as a family. It was torture, absolute torture. It was the worst holiday season of my entire life. Besides the fact that I just wanted out, I knew the whole thing was a big lie. And now looking back, how fair was that to my kids? When they look back on this past Christmas they're going to know that it was a lie. That wasn't very fair of me to do to them. I thought it was the right thing at the time, I really did but now I think it was a mistake. My entire marriage was a lie and on a much smaller scale I did the same thing to my kids and I seriously regret it now. Just something to think about.

As far as finding a therapist, if there are so many you should just pick one and start from there. If it's not a good fit you can try again. But not picking one because "there are so many" is just delaying you from getting the care you need, which is after all, the big complaint you have against your wife, no? Just do it, you need it!!!!


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## turnera

In Absentia said:


> We've been discussing (here) the right timing... some people suggested May, after she finishes her exams... I think this is probably the best solution. The problem is that the children expect us to go on holiday all together this summer as a family unit and I would like that, because it would be the last time... so, it's not an easy decision. As far as IC is concerned, I'm struggling to find one... because there are so many! :laugh:


If your wife will be amicable, you can separate and still go on the trip together.


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## In Absentia

Thanks... I'm struggling to come to terms with it. She is the love of my life and I find it difficult to accept it's over. Of course, I could accept an inferior type of relationship with her, but that's not what I want. I have to accept she doesn't love me anymore and that she probably hasn't loved me for a long time. I can see how some of this was my fault, by not understanding the damage I was doing by treating a mentally ill person as a "normal" person. She couldn't cope with my "demands". Defence mechanism, again. So, yes, I have to accept I can't fix her and that this is what she wants. Very sad.


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## In Absentia

notmyjamie said:


> I wonder how much you'd actually enjoy that last vacation?


I probably wouldn't... I have already told my daughter I'm not very keen... we'll see how it pans out. My wife suggested it, so I'm a bit lost. Or not. She probably thinks I will never leave, and she is right. Why shouldn't she? I never left. But withdrawing sex _forever_ is a step too far... I will give her my answer probably at the end of May, and it will be "goodbye"...


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## wilson

Feel like giving an update? I'm sure many of us are wondering how things have been going in this unique situation. Like, how is the separation going while living at the same address; how are you guys handling the day-to-day stuff like cooking, kids, chores, etc; what about dating, especially with his same-sex orientation? And now that it's been a couple of months, how do you feel about your decision?


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