# Somebody tell me what is going on!



## SeekingPeace (Feb 26, 2011)

Background: Married 5+ years. Both in late 20s. Husband struggling with alcohol, marijuana, and porn. Me - only 2 sexual partners ever. Him - don't know. 

The only time that we have had normal consistent sex was when we were dating, since then it has been a real challenge. I feel like I'm the one always jumping through hoops to no avail. These are the things that have happened. Can anyone make any sense of this? Chronologically kind of.

First issue. I would fall asleep after drinking wine with dinner. No sex. So I started not drinking with dinner. Wants to watch porn together in the bed, so we did. We didn't do it for a rea long time, but when we did I noticed that he was soooo much more aroused than without it. I threw all the videos in the trash. 

I did everything he asked me to do. Lingerie, touch him whatever way, do this, do that, all just between us. Nothing helps. 

Cleaning out old stuff. Found a graphic love letter from a man to my husband during his college days. Husband has never admitted to any bisexuality. I never asked about the letter. Acts very homophobic. 

Husband says he has adjusted his sex drive to accommodate me by suppressing it. This statement came to light after a night of partying with my relative. We all got wasted. Next day female relative says he tried to kiss her and got on top of her naked while I was sleeping. He says he doesn't remember doing that. Looked completely mortified. 

Inconsistent sex. At this point, he rarely initiates. Gets up in the middle of the night or after I'm sleeping. Says he can't sleep. Gets on the computer. 

Starting to travel on the job, but has no desire to have sex with me when he gets back or before he leaves. Or at least doesn't initiate it.

Doesn't limit female friendships like I do with males. Hangs out with old girlfriends sometimes. Found questionable msgs in his phone from women.

He's very touchy-feely and affectionate, but it never leads to sex. He says that he has been so frustrated with me falling asleep that he doesn't initiate sex because he doesn't want to feel the rejection. At this point, he won't even get aggressive if he's hard. He just goes to sleep. I'm so offended that I go to sleep too. I'm not attracted to a man when I have to do everything. He just lays there. He doesn't kiss me back, it almost feels like I'm forcing myself on him. When I blow up from being frustrated with him just laying there and not interacting, he's cried at least twice while we've try to talk about this. At this point, I'm disgusted. I don't even want to sleep with him. I've had thoughts about cheating, especially because he's so busy "socializing" that he wouldn't even notice. I won't do it though.

We have a lot of issues going on, but I just hope someone out there can help me make sense of this situation.


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## Camper (Feb 26, 2011)

I can't help you with your problem but I can relate. I've been married for 20 something years. A long time I know...I don't feel so old. I grew up as an only child, my mom died when I was a baby. Never really had a chance to know or understand a woman. As a young man, I had hopes of being with someone and we would melt into each other. 

On a friendship level, my wife and I get along well. We rarely argue... But, she doesn't have the need or capacity to go beyond that. Sex is for mechanical purposes only, and I hate myself for it. Beyond the sorrow of a lifetime of loneliness and self loathing, I've come to understand that we have different needs. Often I think of leaving, but I don't. 

I've tried getting her out, alone beneath the stars. Camping along a moonlit bay. Putting my arms around her and kissing her. But she only laughs... Thinks I'm so stupid for acting like a teenager (she says).

I realize love rises and falls, evolves and changes over time. Love has to be given...not asked for. So I wait and wait... I don't drink or watch porn. I've worked very hard my entire life. A complete fool. I hate being alone in marriage. I hate my life.


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## Whatshisname (Jan 12, 2011)

I can hear the pain in both of your posts and I regret that I have no answers. But, you both have every reason to feel as you do and every reason to expect to live in a loving, physical relationship. You deserve that kind of life but clearly, only you can make that happen. Try to communicate your needs to your S/O's but failing that, prepare a backup plan.

Peace.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Sounds like he, like many husbands, has begun to prefer solo masturbation and porn to partner sex.

Usually men like this have a bit of a higher desire threshold than other men and need a lot of excitement and visual stimulation to have an orgasm, some need it just to get a firm erection.

Sex during dating is often more exciting and stimulating than married sex. So once the wedding has happened his ability to get aroused starts to drop. This probably would have happened no matter who he married. So he turns to the ever changing high intensity visual stimulation of porn to get aroused enough to cum.

Often these men start to suffer from various sexual dysfunctions with their wives soon after the wedding. problems such as the inability to ejaculate during sex or difficulty holding onto or getting an erection. Partner sex becomes unpleasant and difficult so they turn to solo sex as a way to have a sexual experience they really enjoy.

When they start to feel under stimulated by partner sex they often do try to bring porn into the mix with their wives and this sometimes works but is usually temporary because for men part of the excitement felt while watching porn is due to a certain amount of fantasizing while alone and this is hard to do when he is with a partner. So, they end up giving up and turning to masturbation and porn exclusively and the marriage becomes sexless.

The worst case scenario is when instead of turning to porn he starts having affairs or visiting hookers.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You already know the issues - acohol, pot, and porn. With his addiction to these three things, he will never be able to be with you 100%.


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## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

I read somewhere that chronic marijuana use makes you sterile, and chronic alcoholism makes you impotent. Not a good combination there.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Your husband is struggling with his sexual orientation.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> Your husband is struggling with his sexual orientation.


That was my first inclination. Add to that the fact that he is self-medicating with pot and booze to help him with the struggle.

You should really get into marriage counseling since you could be in for a lifetime of issues if you don't address it now.


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

HelloooNurse said:


> I read somewhere that chronic marijuana use makes you sterile, and chronic alcoholism makes you impotent. Not a good combination there.


Yeah, that's crap about weed. Doesn't make you sterile unless all you smoke are seeds. Even then, it only drops fertility (sperm motility, not volume or numbers) only slightly. Now "Whiskey D!ck" is a well-known problem . . .


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Yet I've heard that marijuana smoking affects the sex drive negatively.

Drinking, smoking pot, and avoiding sex?

Nah, no links there.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Alcohol and marijuana aren't helping, whatever his "real" issues are.

Just possible that he may be struggling with his sexuality. My husband recently discovered (or decided to admit - whatever) that he was bi-sexual last year. Was difficult at best, especially when he was clearly a homophobic in his verbal behavior towards men that leaned that way.

Now, he isn't...would you be supportive if this, if in fact it was the case?

Until he is ready to face up to the fact that he has a problem with alcohol and pot, then you're in for a long, lonely haul.

Sorry...wish I could be of more help.


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## Smoothie (Mar 3, 2011)

He might be confused sexually. You should probably talk about that - it might be the reason he's self medicating.


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## stumblealong (Jun 30, 2010)

I can sure tell ya the alcohol can cause impotence! I agree you are in for a long haul. Sorry this is happening. I can't offer any advice since I am going through something similar (except for the bi-sexual part). He drinks, smokes pot and we have no sex life. Not fun at all.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

At his age smoking dope and drinking is not going to have the kind of dramatic sexual effects others are talking about. These effects take many years to appear.

And the sexual orientation thing is a cop-out that many refused spouses in sexless marriages hope for to take any blame for the sexlessness off themselves. It is also a favorite conspiracy theory of religious right types. But if you made a list of the top 20 reasons marriages go sexless....being a Gay person trying to pass for Straight in a marriage is number 21.

No he needs heavy stimulation in order to get it up and partner sex doesn't give him that, at least not in the long run. If he was a single guy who changed sexual partners every time he felt himself losing his desire, he's be fine. But he's in a marriage and doesn't want to seek new partners in the real world so he uses porn. It is very common these days.


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