# Sexless marriage feeling really guilty



## shelly1978 (Nov 30, 2010)

My husband and i have been married for almost 11 years and have been together for almost 12 years. We have had a pretty good relationship with some ups and downs but we managed to pull through them and now are closer then ever.
We don't fight we have discussions when we have disagreements but never fight anymore. We are each other best friend and enjoy spending time together but the problem is he has a hard time getting or keeping and erection. He is diabetic which may be some of it and he is also on anti depressants but even before he was diabetic or on medication he would have this problem just not as often. It has been this way for about a year now and its getting to the point where i have given up on the idea of having sex but sometimes he tries but i just can't get into the mood because in the back of my mind i keep thinking its just going to happen again so whats the point and i now find myself getting annoyed when he tries because i feel like we are beating a dead horse so to speak. He has gotten medication for this problem but won't take it.
We have three teenagers and he says that the reason he won't take the medication is because he doesn't want to get in the middle of something and then have one of them come knocking at the door or something. 
I love my husband and i know that it may sound like i am contradicting myself by first saying that i have given up on the idea of having sex and then saying i want to have sex in our marriage but i am getting to the point where i am getting angry and annoyed at my husband and i don't even enjoy him touching me because i don't want it to lead to another disappointment but i also feel sex is important in a marriage (not the most important but still important) I just don't know what to do anymore and i feel so guilty because i am angry at him for something that is not his fault, i don't show outwardly that i am angry at him but on the inside i am.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

No offense, but it is a conscious decision on his part to refuse to takes the ED meds that he has, so it IS his fault. For some reason, he's using the kids as an excuse, and you're letting him. I'd call BS on him, and start digging to find the real answer about why he doesn't want sex with you. 

Btw, does he watch porn or masturbate? And as part of his medical issues, has he had his testosterone levels tested? What kind of shape is he in? And you? How old are both of you? And was your sex life ever what you'd call good?

And I'm saying this as a guy...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

shelly1978 said:


> He is diabetic which may be some of it ...


It is definitely some of it. If he's type 2, then he can change his diet and lifestyle to alleviate or even eliminate the symptoms.



> ... and he is also on anti depressants ...


Which is another factor. If he's on SSRI anti-depressants, then he should switch to a type that doesn't have the same sexual side effects, such as Wellbutrin.



> ... but even before he was diabetic or on medication he would have this problem just not as often.


That doesn't matter. If a person is asthmatic, the last thing he should do is smoke. If he has a natural tendency for occasional ED, then he should certainly not be taking drugs and living a lifestyle designed to exacerbate ED.



> He has gotten medication for this problem but won't take it.


Yet another problem. It sure sounds like he doesn't have as much of a problem with his ED as you do.



> I just don't know what to do anymore and i feel so guilty because i am angry at him for something that is not his fault, i don't show outwardly that i am angry at him but on the inside i am.


I see it as his fault. He could lose weight, he could switch anti-depressants, and he could take his Viagra. He won't do any of those. So it's perfectly understandable for you to be frustrated.

Now, rejecting him doesn't help matters. But you need to use your words. Marriage is a sexual relationship. Without sex, spouses are just roommates.

Good luck.


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## Jessica373 (Mar 15, 2013)

It is possible he is just as angry and frustrated as you are - always thinking 'it's just going to happen again' and so it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Can you plan a weekend or date night away from the kids? If he won't take his meds then that will expose whether or not the drive is there to begin with. But honestly I don't buy his excuse. 

Keep communication going with him about this, don't let it drop and secretly harbor resentment, it will destroy you. If the drive is not there it doesn't mean it can't be improved, but he has to want to try.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

He won't take his meds because he's afraid that one of three teenagers will knock on your bedroom door? That can't possibly be his real reason for not taking it! He can just tell the kids that he and mom need a little "alone" time and you aren't to be disturbed. It's not like they are infants. My kids just knew that if our bedroom door was closed, we weren't to be disturbed unless there were flames, significant blood loss, Russian paratroopers in the front yard, or armed intruders actually in the house.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

There's something else going on here I think

Could be the whole male ego thing but I think it's probably something deeper


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

shelly1978 said:


> It has been this way for about a year now and its getting to the point where i have given up on the idea of having sex but sometimes he tries but i just can't get into the mood because in the back of my mind i keep thinking its just going to happen again so whats the point and i now find myself getting annoyed when he tries because i feel like we are beating a dead horse so to speak. He has gotten medication for this problem but won't take it.


How long has he had the medication? 

My initial thought is that this is on both of you. 

He should be taking his medication to deal with this. 

But your behavior may well be reinforcing the ED. It can be just as much mental as it is physical. If you are making clear that he is letting your down, then he is going to start thinking about this too much, possibly leading to more instances of ED. 

If you are going to refuse to be intimate, make it clear why. Sit him down and spell it out for him. Tell him that you and your marriage need a sex life. By him not taking the medication, he is refusing to meet your needs.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> He won't take his meds because he's afraid that one of three teenagers will knock on your bedroom door? That can't possibly be his real reason for not taking it! He can just tell the kids that he and mom need a little "alone" time and you aren't to be disturbed. It's not like they are infants. My kids just knew that if our bedroom door was closed, we weren't to be disturbed unless there were flames, significant blood loss, Russian paratroopers in the front yard, or armed intruders actually in the house.


 Isn't that why bedrooms usually have locks on them anyway, to keep the kids out while mommy and daddy get it on!  And they are teenagers.. I think that is just an excuse Op


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