# How has an affair affected your marital sex life?



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

If you have had an affair, or more likely been cheated on by your spouse or former spouse, how did that affect your sex life (assuming you remained together for at least six months after the affair became known)?

Did it ever rebound to be as good as before? Did the affair actualy make your sex life better? Did it affect how you have sex (types of positions, frequency, mood, intimacy)? Do you ever fully recover from an affair in the bedroom?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Our sex life wasn't fabulous pre-affair.It didn't exist post-affair.

He tried to touch me in a sexual way about 2 months after and I had a panic attack.
Needless to say,it didn't work out and we split up.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

I wouldn't think of having sex or any other physical contact with a spouse who cheated on me


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Pre-affair sex was non-existent for two years. Before then it was every three months. Before then it was at best once every three weeks.

About three months after the affair and 8 weeks of marriage counseling I think my wife went into "sexual competition" and our sex life went through the roof for a couple of months. Then it staggered up and down for a few years.

After another marriage counselor we have a good sex life. 2x per week.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

okeydokie said:


> I wouldn't think of having sex or any other physical contact with a spouse who cheated on me


:iagree:


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

It's 100% better believe it or not. The reconciliation process has been text book for the good. The whole thing forced us into communicating.
My WW is a stuffer, doesn't like conflict so she clams up. Of course it's hard to talk to someone like that. Now we have to talk. And of course since almost all of her A was sexual in nature, she was forced to talk about sex for once, and a lot, something she wouldn't do before, go figure. But now that cat's out of the bag so to speak, I now know she enjoys sex and I know what's she's willing to do. Before, I assumed she just tolerated sex and she was to closed up to say anything. Now I don't accept her not wanting to talk about sex. And she has changed! She initiates sex now 80% of the time. Plus along with the R and overall changes we both have made in our lives and actions with each other, sex is more intimate than ever before and has been actually very healing believe it or not.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

From what I have gathered, both from this forum, this thread, and from other study into the topic, there really is a wide range of respeonses to an affair. Some take a hardline stance that any cheating immediately terminates the relationship, while other go through a lengthy reconciliation and come out with almost a new relationship, as if they've brushed the old one awway as much as they could and simply started fresh.

And there doesn't seem to be a standard. Granted, in most cases an affair does more harm than good, but considering the negative feelings associated with an affair (and rightly so) it's surprising how often people do claim that following an affair their relationships are actually improved or strengthened.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

For me, pre-DD, she was my fantasy woman. I wanted her so bad all the time. But she kept me nearly sexless. Frustrated, angry, resentful.

Post DD and the first year. Hyperbonding of sorts. Came in waves. Erratic. Emotionally good and bad. I’m finally getting what I wanted, but now it’s tainted as hell. It can’t just be fun or exciting by itself anymore because it’s now shared in my head and not a “us thing”. In there is a pity party; Why couldn’t it have been this all along? Did she do this with him? Was he better than I? 

Second year. She slipped back into the old groove. The marriage sex life is once again on my shoulders to initiate. That results in ‘old thoughts’ triggered: Unwanted, undesired, etc. Also about her; Sex is no longer on a pedestal and now accepted as public commodity that is nothing special; She gave it out to others. Since that is how I feel most loved, I have to accept that is not how she shows it... “it’s just sex.” I voiced my concerns. When she remembers, she initiates and vocalizes her desire... Sex down to once every two weeks. It stopped being “special” and I also know she just tells me what she wants me think; It has little to do with how she really feels.... 

Third year. Mind movies started again. Regrets. Perception of her isn’t ‘attractive’. I feel less and less ‘horny’ for her and initiate less and less. Once a month again... going through the motions, but my heart isn’t into it. I don’t feel passion toward her. LD now. Laugh at the irony; She got what she wanted only to find it isn’t what she wanted at all.

Starting fourth year.... Zero expectations. Sex is now has a ‘unrewarding’ feeling and I’m emotionally detached from it meaning anything at all.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Oh Racer....why are you still there? That is sad.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Faithful Wife said:


> Oh Racer....why are you still there? That is sad.



“Sad” is relative. Remember that ‘before’ it was lying next to a goddess every night and knowing she’ll get pissed if you ‘try something’. And because that is how I both expressed and felt loved, that wasn’t there at all. I felt totally unwanted, abandoned, and undesirable because of the rejection and lack of sex. That was truly sad. 

For me, back then, sex was a statement about how you feel about a person. My wife doesn’t tick like that. She shattered that illusion in me that it would ever ‘click’ in her head or that she could empathize. “It’s just sex.” I accept this is how it is now. Now that I know I can’t get my emotional expressions this way, and sex has a lot of ‘taint’ to it that isn’t positive, it affects my desire to have it. 

Sort of like hopping on a carnival ride because it’s fun... but not thinking it’s a statement for how you feel. So, I get nothing out of it emotionally. I want a freaking statement and sex can’t be it anymore (at least with her... that’s what scares me most).

Don’t be ‘sad’. I explore and find other ways to feel loved and desired by her. So it is not as sad as it once was.... once I had zero signs; now I can see a bunch of little things she does. Not my native tongue, but recognized none the less.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Ok...but that still sounds sad to me.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

okeydokie said:


> I wouldn't think of having sex or any other physical contact with a spouse who cheated on me


Same here! I actually lost all physical attraction to him.


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## RaisedGarden (Oct 24, 2012)

Prior to finding out it was every 3-6months after constant badgering. After finding out never again. Getting divorced. Tried for months to get her in therapy. All well.


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