# in need of someone to bounce thoughts off



## confused_mwp (Nov 18, 2009)

Hi there.
I've been married to my husband for just over a year now, but have been together for over 7 years. we have 2 children (2.5 years and 3.5 months). 
my husband has recently gone back to education and has started college, where he's meeting new people, which is great as he's such a friendly charming guy (although not affraid to express his opinion - which in the past has caused him difficulty in keeping hold of past friends).
I have to admit that I wasn't really into sex, I would enjoy it but could survive without it for periods of time - especially after having my first son and feeling tiered alot, and I fully admit that must not of been fun for my partner at the time but we worked through it and I fell pregnant with our second child (which i'm sorry to say led to less sex) but now my son is 3.5 months old and sex is more comfortable, my husband and I had a talk over 6-8 weeks ago and things seemed to be great, we were talking openly (as we usually do) about thing, his college etc. and we're having a lot more sex (when we can catch an early night after the kids have gone to bed), we cuddle and kiss like two crazy kids who can't get enough of each other.
however something has been eating away at me slightly, cause about 4 weeks ago he had left his phone at home, and it was buzzing like crazy (which it does till someone checks it) of course this appealed to my eldest son, and he got his hands on it and started pressing buttons, which led to him typing up a random reply to this text, so i took the phone of him backing up what he's done which took me to the original message, which was from this girl at college stating "We shoukd stop all of this before someone finds out and gets hurt xx". I couldn't believe it so i deleted the message and he never knew that he'd had it.
I then went onto facebook and added a bunch of his new friends including this girl and her boyfriend (i know) and it turns out her boyfriend and I knew this guy from my work, so we actually got to talking, and this girl (i'll call her miss C) jumped in on the conversation, which lead to her talking to me a fair bit. my husband didn't seem happy and has been telling me she's crazy and i should avoid her and her boyfriend etc, but he's talking to her through Private chat and will hide it from me and delete everything as he goes when it comes to her. I should also add she only lives around the corner from us.
my husband has started acting a little odd at times - when i compliment his look or hair etc, he'll reply with it's all just for me (which is a new response to him usually it's a no i don't or thanks) and he'll keep making the point he's all mine.

Sorry it's going on a bit, but there's a fair amount to say.

I figured I'd just leave it and maybe it was nothing, but then the other day he had gone to his mothers house (where he goes online there aswell) and I went to open facebook, but he hadn't logged out on our computer and gone and logged into his facebook at his mothers house, and so his chat box with miss C was open infront of me, with general flirting mixed with college biology talk about anatomy which lead to him saying that if she wanted help with her anatomy work, she's have to be half naked for him to point things out, and this led to talk about her being naked being work incentive for him with her responding that it wouldn't be much incentive cause he'd already seen her half naked..
I haven't said anything to him about this and have debating whether to, because thing between us are going well, we're having sex and playing together (trying new sexual things), we're talking and go out together when we can alone or as a family. I do think about it a fair amount and try not to let it show, but when he goes out alone or to college i'm wondering if he acctually is where he says he is (there have been times where he's meant to be in college, but he's apparently finished early and gone out with some "girl" friends from college for a bite to eat or to take them out of his way home.) or should i confront him and risk breaking our family apart? 
i'm sorry it's gone on a bit but now you have the rough background story.


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## robert6 (Jun 2, 2009)

It is never nice to even find out that maybe your other half is having an emotional affair with someone, sometimes they are even worse as it is not just physical.

I am going through the after math of finding out that my wife cheated on me and I think now I know the signs. When your other half is cold towards you, will not tell you that he loves you and is odd about affection this usually means an emotional/physical affair.

It may seem harmless to him, however he may get it to a situation or hs got into a situation with this girl that may end up him doing something with her.

My suggestion is to tell him everything you have found, communicate as you always have. I may even suggest therapy, if he refuses then he cheated on you. If you go there and he is not into it then he cheated.

I wish you the best of luck. My knowledge is very limited so please read between the lines.


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## confused_mwp (Nov 18, 2009)

thanks for the advice, i'm sorry to hear about your situation.
the thing is he's not cold or unloving towards me, there are just moments that he seems to be hiding things from me - and I would never have thought twice about them, if I didn't know what I know.. 
it's all so bleeeurgh


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

There are two modes for cheaters -- one is that they continue business as usual at home and sometimes even increase sex -- and the other is that they grow cold. You've got the former.

Yes, you need to confront him. He's already done something with this girl apparently and if you don't want him cheating on you you have every right to tell him what you've seen and to insist that he stop all contact with this other person immediately.


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## confused998 (Nov 18, 2009)

I honestly feel that I would have been better off if my husband had freaked out and said 'get out' after my emotional affair. And it was only a 2 week emotional affair, I felt too guilty and still do. But that's just me.
He's not going to stop. Trust me. Get all the support you can. It's not about risking your family. My therapist told me, stop concentrating on "what should be", concentrate on WHAT IS. At this moment in time. At your moment, you don't have a family any more. No, life's not fair, but you nor your children deserve their father doing this to to, it's just going to harbor more resentment.
Please remember, it is NOT your fault and you DO NOT deserve this from him. Get out while you still can. Get support.


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

After going through an extended rollercoaster of my wife's on-off, on-off, on-off etc affair I can confidently suggest a course of action.

Go talk to an attorney. Shockingly (not!), a divorce attorney is going to tell you to get a divorce...but that's how they make their money. The important point is you can confront your husband and tell him you ALREADY HAVE AN ATTORNEY.

That will get his attention fast.

If you play this out with small measures, he'll just continue to try and test the boundaries. Shut him down right now, but get the attorney first.


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

confused_mwp said:


> it wouldn't be much incentive cause he'd already seen her half naked..
> 
> .


Am I the only one tht caught this? Sorry, but it appears that this is already beyond EA


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Actually, a good divorce attorney is NOT going to tell you to get a divorce. I had a great attorney and he counseled me that very many clients change their minds before the divorce is final. 

A good attorney is going to do whatever it is you want him/her to do. They are not going to tell you to get a divorce.


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## hurtbyher (Nov 19, 2009)

He is still being nice and cares about you. You need to confront him with what you know. He has no grounds to question you snooping on him. He broke your trust he is the bad one. If he is willing to stop and work with you do that if it is what you want. Be sure to let him know how you feel about the mistrust and be sure to let him know it will never happen again or you are out of the relationship. He will change if he wants to. If he doesn't change you deserve someone better...


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