# How do you survive it?



## soulsearch (Aug 2, 2013)

Over the course of our dating, then married life, our frequency of lovemaking has varied wildly. It seems that once kids came along, there was so much more wearing her down, financial stress, and other life stress that what was a daily occurrence became much more unpredictable. At times, it was weeks between, and others, she wants it multiple times in a day, or several days in a row. I would say our average is twice a week, which isn't enough to keep me from being frustrated. The thing I have a hard time with the most is it's so damn unpredictable. She'll want it a couple days running, then nothing for 2 or 3 days. We've talked about it until we were both blue in the face, but the only thing that changes is that I have to just give up. Does anyone have any suggestion for surviving the crazy off/on miss matched libido of their spouse?


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

sound like one of you is catering to the others needs but not the other way around..


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

soulsearch said:


> It seems that once kids came along, there was so much more wearing her down, financial stress, and other life stress that what was a daily occurrence became much more unpredictable.


why do these things affect her more than you? Is she a SAHM or does she also work outside the home?


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Holy crap you're complaining about that?

Lefty and Righty have been true to me for a long time. They've never cheated on me. My wife and I have sex once or twice a week. I would like it everyday but it's a compromise I can live with. And as long as she doesn't intrude on Lefty and Righty time (if she's not willing to give it up) then I'm perfectly happy 

Heck, sometimes she'll even get me off. After seeing those that go months, even years with no sex. I'm am not complaining at all with once or twice a week. I remember the days of sex maybe once a month or once every other month........

Kids are asleep, wife is in bed, door to the man cave closes and my wife knows not to disturb me unless she wants to get some. :rofl:


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

nogutsnoglory said:


> sound like one of you is catering to the others needs but not the other way around..


Where did he say anything about catering to HER needs? 

OP - This really doesn't sound that bad. If 2x/week isn't enough for you, talk to your wife but you have to be willing to compromise a little bit. Nobody's libido is going to be exactly the same as their spouse all the time.

As a woman, my desire fluctuates GREATLY depending on my stress level, my energy level and my hormones. That's just part of being a woman. We aren't purposely trying to drive you crazy, that's just the way it is.


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## soulsearch (Aug 2, 2013)

*Re: Re: How do you survive it?*



EleGirl said:


> why do these things affect her more than you? Is she a SAHM or does she also work outside the home?


We both work. She has a desk job, I work outside, usually very physical stuff. If I left it up to her to initiate, it would probably happen once a month. As far as sex goes, I AM our sex life. She wants to lay back and enjoy it, but takes no initiative on her own. Even kissing, she'll initiate a quick peck, but that's it. She just doesn't seem to "need" it. 

I admit, after reading some of the stories here, I feel bad being frustrated, there are people much worse off, but I can't help that I wouldn't live a life of once a month, or a couple times a year. No way in hell. My biggest frustration, as I said, is the random nature. I can go solo, sure, but I'd much rather wait for it to be a duo.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

Is your wife getting enough sleep? It sounds like she might just be really tired. Hormones in women can also cause us to just not want it at all. If its bothering you, you really have to be honest with your wife.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I would kill for twice a week. Figurtivly speaking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soulsearch (Aug 2, 2013)

I read more and more on here, and on one hand, I'm horrified at how bad some men have it. However, in my reality, this is how I feel- I'm not having my needs met. I don't think it's any different than eating- everyone needs a different amount, and for me, after a while, 2 meals a week and I'm starving.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

How many foot/back messages a week do you give? How many times a week do you cook dinner or clean the house giving her time off. How many times to you do the grocery shopping, or wash/dry/fold/put away the laundry per week? How many times per week do you take her out and give her the night off from all responsibility? Have kids? how many times do you get up and help them get ready for school/pick them up? Do the dishes much? How often do you sit down and do all the bills for the month? Feed the pets/change the cat box? How often do you ask her how her day is/was? Ever send her a quick text at work, with a "just thinking about you", get up for work and drop a red rose on her pillow for when she wakes up? Take her out for a movie or dinner/dancing?

You don't have to answer those questions here, they are for you to answer for yourself, maybe its about what your NOT doing. How long have you been married? It slows down, the more you do the things above the less it slows down, but it still slows down as your marriage becomes comfortable. I hope you got married cause you love your spouse, unconditionally, not cause what she can do for you.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

justonelife said:


> Where did he say anything about catering to HER needs?
> 
> OP - This really doesn't sound that bad. If 2x/week isn't enough for you, talk to your wife but you have to be willing to compromise a little bit. Nobody's libido is going to be exactly the same as their spouse all the time.
> 
> As a woman, my desire fluctuates GREATLY depending on my stress level, my energy level and my hormones. That's just part of being a woman. We aren't purposely trying to drive you crazy, that's just the way it is.


Her sexual needs, her schedule are what dictate is what I mean. Why is it only up to her? Why is there not a compromise?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Ok, maybe this is a stupid queston but do you know if you're meeting her needs? Have you asked her if there's anything more she needs from you? Having said that it is true that our desires fluctuate greatly. I'm good for a couple of times a week, which fortunately for me is about what my hb wants at his age, and we both work pretty demanding jobs. Here's the thing: it isn't solely about "meeting your needs", it's about finding a compromise that meets some of yours and some of hers, unless your needs are exactly the same, which they almost never are. These compromises are negotiated; not simply by you demanding what you want with little regard to her thoughts, but by both of you laying your wants and needs on the table and offering solutions. If you need MC to help for this get it. People that successfully negotiate have the best chance of successful marriages, because everyone feels like they're getting something.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

How to "survive"? 1. Dismiss all selfish thoughts from your head. 2. Erase whatever number you've dreamed up of the quantity of sex you feel you deserve. 3. Look at your wife as a blessing and a gift from God who knows exactly what you need and assume He had very good reasons for putting you with this woman. 4. Recognize that your job is just to attend to her needs. You don't have to fret over whether your own needs are being met. Your sexual needs are her business. You will answer to God about how well you did your duty as a husband. She will answer for being a wife. 5. Try very hard to be content and thankful. Your wife has wonderful qualities and probably some pretty crappy ones. Whether you love or despise her depends on which of those qualities you concentrate on. Whether you believe your life is wonderful or you're in the bowels of hell depends on how you perceive it. The happier, more confident, more thankful, more loving you are, the more tail you will get. Pouting, demanding, complaining are not signs of strength in a man and they aren't attitudes likely to get a man laid.


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## soulsearch (Aug 2, 2013)

*Re: Re: How do you survive it?*



unbelievable said:


> How to "survive"? 1. Dismiss all selfish thoughts from your head. 2. Erase whatever number you've dreamed up of the quantity of sex you feel you deserve. 3. Look at your wife as a blessing and a gift from God who knows exactly what you need and assume He had very good reasons for putting you with this woman. 4. Recognize that your job is just to attend to her needs. You don't have to fret over whether your own needs are being met. Your sexual needs are her business. You will answer to God about how well you did your duty as a husband. She will answer for being a wife. 5. Try very hard to be content and thankful. Your wife has wonderful qualities and probably some pretty crappy ones. Whether you love or despise her depends on which of those qualities you concentrate on. Whether you believe your life is wonderful or you're in the bowels of hell depends on how you perceive it. The happier, more confident, more thankful, more loving you are, the more tail you will get. Pouting, demanding, complaining are not signs of strength in a man and they aren't attitudes likely to get a man laid.


lol. Let me know when you write your next fairy tale. Maybe I'll pre order. It'll depend on how low the toilet paper supply is.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Thought I would copy & paste this here for you...This book was written for those struggling as yourself...

Our differences in Libido....so often there is a disconnect/ misunderstanding of our deep desires/fantasies / what sex means to us...that needs worked through...

So typical in Marriage.. one partner may crave more bedroom time over another







... one partner may crave more Positions/more spicing/ flirting/ teasing/ role play.... one may have a fetish....one may prefer the sensual "making Love"/ the other something of a more WILD Lust adventure ...One may enjoy the confident Erotic Aggressor ... another naturally more passive/ less of an initiator... some are such Pleasers by nature, they will struggle to feel "fulfilled" unless their partner is wholly satisfied...and some just don't seem to want it at all. 

To come to understand our Partner's Lover style ..when different from our own...could be a saving grace.....







When Your Sex Drives Don't Match: Discover Your Libido Types to Create a Mutually Satisfying Sex Life 









...also *Exercises *in the back touching on "What I hope for in my Sexual relationship"...."Describing the Mismatch"..."The Cycle of misunderstanding"..."Reasons to stay, Reasons to leave"...



> *There are 10 libido types*:
> 
> *1*. *Sensual*- What you value most is the "emotional connection" a sense of being life partners....your sensual feeling of sexual desire can persist for hours or days, but it is not necessarily urgent unless your partner shows she is in the mood. Pleasing your partner gives you considerable pleasure ~ seeing that  of contentment on her face in the afterglow ... ...greatest satisfaction comes from mutual pleasure - this does not depend on any particular technique or activity.
> 
> ...


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Twice a week ain't bad for a two-working-parent couple. I guess in my case we're both usually too tired or busy to have it more than that. Maybe since you do physical work you get all worked up and energized and your testosterone gets going. There's no set number of times you're "supposed to" or "entitled to" and as long as you're having it regularly I wouldn't classify it as a grave problem. At the same time, you feel like you need it more often, so you've got to talk to her about that. Have you ever done that? Have you tried to reach compromises? Maybe there's something you could do for her that would make it easier for her to feel relaxed and available to you.


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