# reflecting on life



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

My dad died today, and I have been thinking all day about life in general. 

he was a good man, provided for and raised 4 children.sacrificed without complaint. wasn't very emotional, kinda keep it in type of guy. 


he and my mom seemed to hate eachother. Wow after writing it and see it it seems so horrible.

I think that they loved eachother but resentment built up over years of poor comunication skill on both parts caused it.

very sad too say the least and uncertine about ending up in the same situation. 

I've been on here quite awhile and learned alot. Sometime I wish I never found this board. ignorance is bliss. once you learn the dirty truth your world will never be the same.

My new years resolution is to be more emotional with my wife for her and my sake.

but the problem is I don't know how. Its not natural for me maybe because of how my dad was I never learned,

How do you learn?


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## Michelle27 (Nov 8, 2010)

I can't answer your question very well. I've always been an emotional person, and couldn't imagine doing anything to cause myself to be less emotional, so the reverse is probably just as difficult. 

I just wanted to say that I'm sorry about your Dad's passing. :-(


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> My dad died today, and I have been thinking all day about life in general.
> 
> he was a good man, provided for and raised 4 children.sacrificed without complaint. wasn't very emotional, kinda keep it in type of guy.
> 
> ...


I'm so sorry for your loss.

I had the same goal when my father passed, although it was not only about showing more emotion, but included trying to enjoy the little things in life. For me, the only thing that kept it before me was thinking about my legacy. How would my kids remember me? How would friends relate to my passing. Might seem simplistic to some, but your father's passing is profound, and equating this desire to change with his memory can put it before your thoughts often. Putting it to action came down to picking a small event that happens frequently, like walks with my wife, and deciding that I would not let a walk pass without telling my wife how I really felt about something meaningful. That was about 18 years ago. Her reaction to my openness kept it going and growing.

chillymorn, again, I'm sorry for your loss.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Chilly I'm sorry to hear that your father has died. 

Thanks for sharing your concerns and thoughts so openly. Do you think it would help to write about the events in your relationship with your father that may have had an effect on the person you are now? 

I have made a concerted effort to change myself and to fight the misperceptions that my formative years left me with. Some people say it is a slow process but I don't agree. 

There is a long period maybe months where I thought, read and talked about my demons and nothing seemed to happen. Then all of a sudden I have some kind of leap of understanding and the transition to a new perception happened in a flash.

It's the understanding part that takes a while to get. You have to figure out the genesis of the feelings and emotions. Then realize that they are a legacy from a parent or influential adult in your life. It is not even you. 

Maybe after a bit of time, you can talk to your mom get to know her as a person and learn her story. That helps too. 

At any rate, now it is time to just get through the grief and sense of loss. Perhaps this will be a new beginning for you and your wife?

The best to you and Mrs. Chilly and I will say a prayer for your family.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

thanks for all the condolinsis(maybe my newyears resolution should be better spelling and grammer)


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## grizabella (May 8, 2011)

Chillymorn, so sorry for your loss. But one thing you must understand; you are not your father. You may have some similarities but you are not the same. You can make your life anything you want it to be and you are not locked into a pattern if you don't want to be. 

You must not look at your relationship from your father's viewpoint, it is a different entity. 

How do you become more emotional with your wife....by doing it. And it is a risk, but one you have to take. Bon Chance!


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## jaybay (Dec 24, 2011)

Maybe reading something like Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus or a book like this could help:
http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-He...80/ref=sr_1_10?ie=UTF8&qid=1324723309&sr=8-10


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Chilly - I am so sorry for your loss. I think it's beautiful that you don't want to repeat your parents' mistakes and want to make an effort to emotionally connect with your wife! 

Saying and doing are two different things - and I think you'll find a lot of different ideas as to "how" you do this.

My opinion? Tell her what she means to you. Tell her how all of the things she's contributed to your life have made your existence easier, happier, etc. Write a letter if it's hard to say out loud, but let her know. Go "hallmark" if you have to, but keep it genuine. Be vulnerable, be trusting in her. Never take another moment for granted. Never stifle the tears or laughs - or stifle hers either. 

I hope it's helpful to you. I wish you the best and send many hugs and much positive energy to you and your family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

My condolences to you and your entire family.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Halien said:


> I'm so sorry for your loss.
> 
> I had the same goal when my father passed, although it was not only about showing more emotion, but included trying to enjoy the little things in life. For me, the only thing that kept it before me was thinking about my legacy. How would my kids remember me? How would friends relate to my passing. Might seem simplistic to some, but your father's passing is profound, and equating this desire to change with his memory can put it before your thoughts often. Putting it to action came down to picking a small event that happens frequently, like walks with my wife, and deciding that I would not let a walk pass without telling my wife how I really felt about something meaningful. That was about 18 years ago. Her reaction to my openness kept it going and growing.
> 
> chillymorn, again, I'm sorry for your loss.


Thanks


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> Chilly I'm sorry to hear that your father has died.
> 
> Thanks for sharing your concerns and thoughts so openly. Do you think it would help to write about the events in your relationship with your father that may have had an effect on the person you are now?
> 
> ...


Thanks


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

grizabella said:


> Chillymorn, so sorry for your loss. But one thing you must understand; you are not your father. You may have some similarities but you are not the same. You can make your life anything you want it to be and you are not locked into a pattern if you don't want to be.
> 
> You must not look at your relationship from your father's viewpoint, it is a different entity.
> 
> How do you become more emotional with your wife....by doing it. And it is a risk, but one you have to take. Bon Chance!


Thanks


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

YinPrincess said:


> Chilly - I am so sorry for your loss. I think it's beautiful that you don't want to repeat your parents' mistakes and want to make an effort to emotionally connect with your wife!
> 
> Saying and doing are two different things - and I think you'll find a lot of different ideas as to "how" you do this.
> 
> ...


thanks


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I am sorry to hear about your loss. You dont mention how he treated you and your siblings, except that he was a good man and made sacrifices for you. I havent read your other posts here so I dont know how you get on with your wife but you seem scared that you are going to end up in the same situation and want to do all you can to avoid it. I suppose your wife also knows about your parents and it would be a good idea to tell her this now.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Chilly,

Be careful.

"More emotional" is a bit too general of a goal.

Sharing yourself and your depth is a much more precise and attainable goal.

I really miss my father too.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Chillymorn, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. 

Last night I spent time with my seperated wife and I thought about how this past year of maritial drama is such a waste in the grand scheme of life. Any of us could pass away at anytime and IMHO we should all seek to give the greatest gift of all. Love. 

I think it is a shame when two people can not reflect on the Love they once shared and both try to keep that flame burning strong. I believe this is what most religions teach as well, here on Christmas Day.

One other thought. As we all age some of us lose the energy towards showing love as part of the aging process, like sight, hearing and other things drop. I believe we all need to try to understand.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Conrad said:


> Chilly,
> 
> Be careful.
> 
> ...


I like this alot. thanks


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

grizabella said:


> Chillymorn, so sorry for your loss. But one thing you must understand; you are not your father. You may have some similarities but you are not the same. You can make your life anything you want it to be and you are not locked into a pattern if you don't want to be.
> 
> You must not look at your relationship from your father's viewpoint, it is a different entity.


 This is so very true. Your father sounds like my husbands father, he also passed -about 6yrs ago now. Wonderful man, many sacrifices. But him & the Mrs- just not terribly on the same page. She was a hoarder, he wanted a clean house, it never was. Her junk kept him out of the house -and hanging with alot of his friends, he enjoyed his life, but he was always & forever devoted to family first. He sacrificed so much for all of us. Even took me in to live with them before we were even married.

Sorry for your loss, these times are always so full of reflection, what can we learn from his life, what we loved, what we miss, what would he have done differently, or even all the same, I bet he loved himself for those sacrifices even. 

It helps to be more emotional with your wife if she is receptive to that. If not, it won't be as easy, but it can't hurt to try to open up more. You ask how. Just be yourself ! 

Are you emotional , is it there, or have you hidden it under a rock -to spare yourself pain? it may seem like scary territory if you always hold it in.....like a shy high schooler who has to get up in front of the class & read a speech -kinda feeling, but -sometimes when we feel the fear, we need to press ourselves and do it anyway, it comes easier as we DO. 

When she gets emotional with you, this would be a good time to step up the bar a little. Open up just a little more each time, see where it leads, how she reacts to this, ask her emotional questions to start the dialog.


Ever think about getting a book of questions ? If you & her just asked each other questions -this would allow an easy "opening up" -just in the answering. 

Amazon.com: questions book: Books

.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Often we learn about ourselves by observing the mistakes of others. It is so good that you recognize this problem; that is the first step in changing your behavior.

The passing of a parent is a time when many take stock of their lives. I think that showing your emotions will go a long way toward strengthening your marriage. I would start by praising your wife whenever she does something nice for you or the kids. Tel her you appreciate the things she does for your family.

You could also touch her lightly on the shoulder when she is making dinner, or when she passes you in the house. 

See if you can bring up memories of things you enjoyed doing together in the past. Comment on silly things that the kids do.

You probably fear that being emotional will make you weak, but in fact it will bring you closer to your wife and kids. 

Come back and post to help others on what you did that worked. I'll bet your wife will notice the change in you, and love that you can connect emotionally with her.


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