# How I can convince my husband he can't fix things himself?



## itzachicken (Oct 17, 2012)

A little background; together 7 years, 2 children under 3, financially strained but surviving. I work part-time so we do not need to pay for daycare and he works full time. The big problem is that he flies off with anger and name calling over the littlest things, here are a few recent examples: today I became a c*nt for making his lunch (I guess I didn't use enough meat). He stayed up watching TV last night and came to bed around 2AM, our kids both have colds so they were in bed with me; instead of calmly asking me to put them in their own beds or moving them himself he tried to get into bed and after a few minutes he jumped out and started yelling and screaming at me about what the F*ck was wrong with them and why the hell were they in his bed and how its f*ucking bull****. At this point I calmly got up and started to move to the couch I told my 2 year old who was now up she could come cuddle on the couch and that I had to nurse the baby. Then he started to yell at me and call me lazy and then got up and went back to the couch. He woke up yelling at me because I didn't wake him up for work; and I had the nerve to do his laundry so now he doesn't have anything to wear to work ( I guess those 7 pairs of jeans he wore last week don't fit). Last weekend he got pissed because we went to the pumpkin patch with my family and there wasn't a timeline other than brunch at 1030, he spent the 15 minute car ride degrading me and telling me how stupid this sh*t was then gets even more pissed when he breaks me down to the point of crying. He got mad at me for calling and asking him when he was going to bring my car back from a quick trip to one of his friends after he was gone for 2 hours. There aren't any good times with him anymore I spend my day worrying about what I'm going to do to set him off today. 

He admits to having a problem but says counseling is for people who can't solve their problems. I feel like obviously his method of just keep driving forward isn't working either. I truly feel he has some sort of underlying mood disorder because one minute he is fine but the next he is just plain angry at everything. I really don't want my kids growing up thinking it is normal for dad to be pissed off all the time and my 2 year old is beginning to identify what is up ( she even tells me "daddy is effing pissed off" and says "i sorry"). Are there any suggestions to get him into a mental health evaluation?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Sorry - he is emotionally & verbally abusive to you & your children. Maybe not directly to the babies but the way he treats their mother directly affects them. His anger & rage is off the charts. Trust me, this will get worse as the children become more demanding.

You can't force him into a psych evaluation, only suggest it. There are some books you can read "Why Does He Do That?" & "Walking on Eggshells."

I would leave him yesterday but I caution you to be very careful should you choose to leave an abusive man.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Hows the sex life?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

EWWW. He sounds like a jerk.

Look, you can't convince him of anything. Can't make him do anything.

So if he refuses to get help then etiher you live with how he is or leave him.

It's not ok for him to be verbally abusing you and flying off like that, especially in front of your kids.

Omg this reminds me of this article I read yesterday. Applies to your situation:

Carolyn Hax: _Boyfriend has anger issues, but he won’t go to therapy on his own

Dear Carolyn: 

I am dating someone whom I love but who has a very short fuse, gets frustrated easily and blames me when he cannot resolve a problem. I have asked him, while with our counselor, to get anger management or therapy on his own. He keeps avoiding it, even though he does acknowledge this issue freely and willingly. 

I don’t know how much more I can take, walking on eggshells. The reason I don’t cut and run isn’t just love, but also because I know his anger is pain that is unresolved (emotionally and physically abused as a child and a recent, sudden death of a parent) and I know what peace would lie on the other side of therapy for him and I really want that for him and us. How to convince him that therapy would be the saving grace for our relationship? 

Angry Boyfriend 

You can’t. 

You’re not rescuing an injured bird here; your boyfriend is an adult human being. You have every right and reason to expect a fellow adult to take the steps that he believes he needs to be healthy. 

So, with that in mind, let’s convert his actions into a list of the steps that he believes he needs to take to be healthy:

1. Maintain the status quo.

Where do you think that’s headed? 

If you want to go there with him, then stay. If you don’t want to go there with him, then break up with him and tell him why. It’s terrible that he has suffered as he has, but you can’t undo the terrible for him; in fact, I could argue that the more patiently you stand by him, absorbing his anger, the less incentive he has to seek help._

Carolyn Hax: Boyfriend has anger issues, but he won’t go to therapy on his own - The Washington Post


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Take the kids and stay with your mother until he agrees to treat his family properly.


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## itzachicken (Oct 17, 2012)

The sex life on my end feels it sucks. He is the kind of guy that feels just slinging his business in my face is a turn on, there isn't much passion put into it I feel like he is very selfish. He's generally 'there' pretty fast like before I can even get into it and his idea of foreplay is pretty sorry. He still shows interest but because of the emotional disconnect I have none.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> counseling is for people who can't solve their problems


Try, "Well, HUBBY, considering WE'VE been in charge of this marriage for the last 7 years and it looks like *THIS*, I think we can both agree that WE SUCK AT solving our own problems! Don't you agree?"


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

itzachicken said:


> The sex life on my end feels it sucks. He is the kind of guy that feels just slinging his business in my face is a turn on, there isn't much passion put into it I feel like he is very selfish. He's generally 'there' pretty fast like before I can even get into it and his idea of foreplay is pretty sorry. He still shows interest but because of the emotional disconnect I have none.


That could be why he's verbally abusive... seriously.

I used to yell at the kids to send my wife a message (I was stressed out) all that got me was ILYNILWY and a sexless marriage... i don't yell anymore and we are now reconnecting in a much better marriage.

Lack of sex caused my yelling. wrong way to handle it I realized that on my own later.
Guys sense if the wife is not into sex...nothing worse than pity sex.

Hes angry at something...i'd bet $1 its sex.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

He is pissed at himself and taking it out on you and the kids. Probably feels he has failed as a man because he can't provide as much as he would like. He most likely won't go to counseling because he would see that as another failure.


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

Yes there is anger & rage there and it needs to be addressed. The verbal abuse is also a huge problem. But I wouldn't automatically categorize him as requiring a mental health or psych eval. He does need help though.

I had anger issues - couldn't control my temper, didn't realize I was always yelling, little things would seem to set me off. One thing might put me in a bad mood for a whole day. 

But as others have said, you can't fix him and honestly, you're unlikely to get him to recognize the need to change without a big wake up call (like leaving). And even that may not do it. You also can't really talk to him about it because he probably won't discuss it calmly or rationally. Are there any of HIS family members who might address this with him?


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## itzachicken (Oct 17, 2012)

His sister has offered to do it but cannot figure out how to say anything without him knowing I've been talking with her. He asked me not to talk with his sister in the past. She has been willing to give me some insight into his childhood since he will not talk about that either. His brother has said something to him about his drinking but does not realize his temper is a daily issue not just a drinking thing. I'm pretty scared to leave him because he has made threats towards me and the what if I left scenario. There is a good man inside there somewhere and I really miss that guy.


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

If you are scared and there have been threats than I think you seriously need to consider going to a woman's shelter. And I take back going to his family because you just don't know what the trigger may be or how far he will go.

If you don't have the nerve to do it for yourself, do it for your children.


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## LastUnicorn (Jul 10, 2012)

I doubt he's feeling fine one minute, he's probably already simmering over something and then when something happens to overload that fragile equilibrium he blows. You haven't said if he's ALWAYS been this way, if he has always been this touchy and hostile that's one thing. But if all of this bad behavior has been occurring lately that's something else.

Has sex always been this hasty with him? Or just since the kids have replaced him in his marriage bed? 

I'm not suggesting that his behavior is acceptable. Its never acceptable to be treated disrespectfully, to be called names, to be the brunt of someone else's irrational tantrums. But if all of this is fairly new behavior, 'he's changed!' Then you need to take a good hard honest look at how you've contributed to training him. Is he acting like a giant kid with a nasty vocabulary because its working at getting your attention? 

When is the last time the two of you sat down and just talked about and to each other and took time to reconnect?

Whatever the situation is, stop walking on eggshells. You aren't a chicken. You are a woman, a wife, and a mother.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

:iagree:


Trying2figureitout said:


> That could be why he's verbally abusive... seriously.
> 
> I used to yell at the kids to send my wife a message (I was stressed out) all that got me was ILYNILWY and a sexless marriage... i don't yell anymore and we are now reconnecting in a much better marriage.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

joe kidd said:


> He is pissed at himself and taking it out on you and the kids. Probably feels he has failed as a man because he can't provide as much as he would like. He most likely won't go to counseling because he would see that as another failure.


:iagree:


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I think a mix between trying and joekids post is the problem.


he probably know he not cutting it in the bedroom but just don't know how to improve and is too stuborn to realise it!

did you fake it for years? 

so because your not orgasming you don't like to have sex with him and hes wondering why.


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