# EX boyfriend, Facebook and flirting, it's killing me



## thefamilyguy (Dec 15, 2010)

I'll try and keep this concise.

we've been married 7 years together as a couple for 15. We have two sons 5 and 6 years old, I'm 36 my wife will be in a month. we've always had a volatile relationship but generally got on well and pushed through lots of happy times with not so happy times (her father's suicide in 2007 for example). 3 years ago my wife decided to stop being a stay at home mum and start a business, something i helped with. Basically she immersed herself in this 24/7, neglecting me and the kids and all domestic things. At this point i became primary carer and sacrificed my 2 businesses to bring up my 2 boys and to run the house which resembled a war zone. we got through that, having good times at weekends/holidays, etc still with love. THEN in June 2009 I got the gut feeling that something wasn't right. I would regularly go to bed alone, leaving her at her computer until the small hours, i even had to move to the spare room to get some sleep as she would always wake me up when she finally came to bed, she became so distant and totally indifferent to me, the kids and the house. she started drinking a lot. I though she was seeing someone she had met at work, i asked her repeatedly that i was concerned about us and asked if there was someone else, she always denied it.

Her computer suddenly became locked and her mobile phone was always in her pocket, she was always on the phone/texting at the end of the garden, smoking and drinking loads. Early one morning i couldn't sleep and head to get some truth i got into her locked laptop and found loads of intimate conversations between her and her first boyfriend. I kept silent.

A few days later she went out to a nightclub dressed like she was 18 and got really drunk, she came home and was so drunk that she didn't notice me next to her while she was on the phone to this guy telling him she loved him.

i got into her facebook account, she was in touch with him constantly and flirting with other old male friends too.

long story short i gave her the chance to decide what she wanted, and it came down to her having the choice of going to see him to see what her real feelings for him were (i said that would be the end though) or coming to me and the boys (we were staying someplace on holiday) she lasted 1 day and phoned me up to say she was on her way, she loved me and the kids and she'd been stupid, etc.

We had a honeymoon for a month, everything was amazing. got home and i found she was still in touch with him, lots of "he's just a friend" bull****. 

I got sever anxiety and depression for nearly a year, lost most of business and income. all the time she telling me i love you lets move forward, my gut telling me somethings still gong on, i resisted the urge to snoop but when i did i found more crap, i went away for a week alone, came back to a **** welcome and found call logs between them late at night. she lied more.

after months i got over it.

she then starts letting guys who give her attention when we go out get really close. a mutual friend came back to our house I trusted her with him but thought he was trying it on with her, i had to take the babysitter home, when i came back they were kissing in the garden, to be fair she threw her hands up and pushed him away but i was so upset that she had got into this situation by the signals she was putting out.

i pressed her on this incident loads, she denied it all and blamed drink.

I had a friend tail her when she went out at night, she would meet up with this same guy, no evidence of anything physical.

it's driving me nuts, i really want to trust her and move on but theres not much sex or intimacy between us and she's clearly happier going out with her "friends".

i am guilty of being a bit obsessive and posessive but only because of the insecurity caused by all of this.

i'm now still physically sick with it and still having nightmares and sleepless nights about it and my gut is in turmoil. She has gone super secretive on her phone and computer, (she recieved texts from him up to 4 am last saturday) she said she can't be responsible for him as he sent them and he was probably drunk.

do i let it go and see how it goes or do i install monitoring software on her mac to finally get the truth out one way or another?

appreciate your help here the pain is killing me.


----------



## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Monitor early and monitor fast. Go with your gut my man. 

Strike hard and fast.

There is no room for secrecy in a marriage. 

She's obviously hiding stuff from you. 


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## pickledginger (Dec 14, 2010)

Sorry, but I think you already know that truth. There's no need to spy on her anymore, she's proven time and time again that she is not trustworthy and she clearly has no intent on stopping. You need to give her a realistic ultimatum (stop ALL contact with this person, and get therapy for the relationship and possibly her drinking) and if she doesn't follow through you have to do what is best for you and your children and end this relationship. It's clearly tearing you up, and you don't want to live like that. Your kids don't deserve to see you miserable. 

Honestly, if she thinks you are all talk then she's not going to care what you say and won't change.


----------



## thefamilyguy (Dec 15, 2010)

thanks for your replies, i know the truth deep down, i suppose i'm clutching on to my ideal (my family as a whole) and also i'm a coward . i have looked into divorce but i could end up with nothing. i have sacrificed my career for hers i have little money (she has stacks) and i would have difficulty getting a mortage to buy a new house if we split. there is a chance i will get granted primary carer status by the court and be awarded custody of my kids and a lions share of the assets to bring them up, but it's a massive gamble and a long shot and im scared stiff. the solicitor reckoned i'd need to allocate £20,000 too to get it all sorted.

my life feels like its on the bloody brink of collapse.

as i write this shes at her friends house getting drunk, it's 01:20 here.

where do i go from here?


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You file for divorce. She is a skank and a serial cheater. You will get custody because the court will see that she is occupied in other areas. As I tell others, you need to do what is right, not what is comfortable.


----------



## pickledginger (Dec 14, 2010)

Do you really believe a court would grant custody of your children to a woman with a drinking problem and commitment issues?


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

First--I did report the previous poster with the Cartier stuff, so that should be taken care of shortly. 

Second--I would recommend that you take a look at article on our website Seven Steps to Take to End the Affair. At this point, the first step, Gathering Evidence, is so that you have enough hard evidence in your hand so that you KNOW it's not just you with a jealousy issue--there really *is* something going on and you can trust your gut instinct. Frankly...I think you already have all the evidence you need to believe in your gut instinct so you can probably move right onto step two. 

In step two you Confront her--just you and her. This gives her the chance to know that you know, and lets her know that you expect her to honor the promises she made to you on your wedding day of forsaking ALL OTHERS and giving 100% of her affection and loyalty to you alone. Then tell her she is completely free to choose--you're not going to make her do anything--but the choices are A) She can choose to continue as she is now, but the cost (consequence if you will) of making this choice is that she will need to move out...tonight; this is the marital home and family and you and the kids have not left the marriage and the family, she has. -OR- B) She can choose to do the right thing and return to the marriage and family, but the cost (consequence if you will) of making this choice is that she will need to agree to three things: 

*No Contact with other men*. She will have to write a No Contact Letter to her OM and give them to you so you can send them. Then it is UP TO HER to prove to you that she is not in contact giving her affection or loyalty to anyone else. If she does not show you that, then she's out. 
*Transparency*. She will have to willingly share with you her cell phone, her laptop, her email account, all the user names and passwords for her accounts (like IM or FB), and allow you to verify that she is being honest and see-through enough that you see the Real Her. She's not hiding anything from you, she's not being secretive, and she is being fully intimate with you by letting you see HER. (Likewise I would encourage you to share your cell, PC, email etc. with her.) 
*Commitment*. She will have to agree to look at her own self and if she says "Well I only do this when I drink!" then she needs to be personally responsible enough to protect the marriage by figuring out why she drinks that much and then work to STOP!! Likewise you need to commit to looking at yourself and working on your own personal issues and weaknesses--taking personal responsibility for your own self.

There you go--it's pretty easy. A or B?


----------



## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Affaircare are pretty much the gold standard here for repairing affairs FamilyGuy. Follow their advice.


----------



## thefamilyguy (Dec 15, 2010)

thank you so much, there it is, black and white, no ifs and buts.
i've got to sort this now.

God bless you


----------

