# Not satisfied with my sex life...



## alisa (Dec 28, 2012)

So I am going through a lot of things in my marriage at the moment but a HUGE issue that surfaced a couple of months ago is my husband's opinion on my satisfaction. He has never tried to please me, he only comes close and get affectionate when he wants to have sex and after he admitted that he doesnt consider it important that I should "enjoy" it, I have realised that anything that I have shown to like in the past, he stopped doing it (and I mean everything that showed that I was liking it!). Then he also admitted that he is more happy if I dont enjoy it 

I have spoken to him about it a few times and he isnt keen to change anything. I am having other issues with his controlling nature. My question is... is sexual unsatisfaction a justified cause for separation?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Yes.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Simple and sweet, I endorse Faithful Wife's astonishingly lengthy post


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Wow, your husband really wants to exert his authority over you and be in control. That's actually cruel to intentionally stop doing the things you want - sexually - and to only concentrate on what he likes. Any reason why you didn't stop giving him what he wants in order to drive the point home that you need yours too?


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## alisa (Dec 28, 2012)

I have a serious lack of courage when I have to put a point across to him. I have done it a couple of times and the way he made me feel, I couldnt do it again!


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Sort answer YES!!!

long answer... If you weren't satisfied because your H was unskilled then there would be hope...IMO. He could learn to be a better lover.

But the fact that he doesn't care whether or not your satisfied and doesn't intend on doing anything to improve the situation is just an unbelievable thing to have going on in a marriage.

Where is the love in that? Do you feel loved by him.

I would never have sex with a man who said that to me. Never ever ever. Sorry OP he sounds like a pig. I'm certain you deserve better than that!


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

alisa said:


> I have a serious lack of courage when I have to put a point across to him. I have done it a couple of times and the way he made me feel, I couldnt do it again!


That's awful! Do you feel unsafe with him? 

Could you go to a marriage counselor and bring it up in front of this trained and neutral person... or would that make going home difficult for you?

How will this ever get better unless something changes...if nothing changes...then everything stays the same.


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## alisa (Dec 28, 2012)

He is controlling so whenever I brought it up, my intention was to come up with a solution, maybe a middle ground but he just doesnt care. I married him when I was 20 and he was the first one in my life, then I am from a very strict background so didnt know what to expect really. He certainly had his fair share before he married me because he is 8 years older than me but he never satisfied me from the very start. Now its already 7 years with his ways...so he is content with what he is getting! 

Our relationship is all based on what he wants. He even justified his acts by saying that male satisfaction is important, not female's and I am just naive to even think that satisfying me sexually is his job!


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Please please believe me when i say this is NOT how most men think. Most men will go out of their way to please their woman and feel much satisfaction and even pride at making her toes curl.... but mostly they just want to be loving and intimate. i wonder how your man came to be like he is??

Can i ask if your both western? He attitude doesn't seem like that of any man i know of.

Well i don't know what to say that wasn't said above...just want to repeat that nothing will change unless you change it. He clearly has no reason to change...he's happy.

How about going to counselling on your own...it may help you find a way to communicate this in a way that he realizes it is a deal breaker for you.

I gather it is a deal breaker for you going by your first post.... 

Would he 'care' if you left him? Do you think a separation would shock him into 'getting' the importance of this?


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## alisa (Dec 28, 2012)

I have no idea if it will. He may try to change, he may not...there is a whole web of issues apart from this but yea, it is a deal breaker for me as I have gathered from various sources that this is not a normal behaviour!

I posted more detail in http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/64142-thinking-separation.html a few months ago and that may give you more detail on a few other things. 

I moved to Scotland a few years ago but he has always lived here. He is liberal in his thoughts but his background is quite conservative, however he has always hated it and vows to never have that environment in his house (but fails to see the imbalance in our lives!)


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## brokenhearted118 (Jan 31, 2013)

Alisa,

I have never heard of anything so ludicrous in my entire life. What type of quote unquote "man" thinks like this? Holy cow, I am sitting here shaking my head at the audacity of him stating such a thing! 

YOU are as entitled to receive pleasure as he is. Seriously, he needs a smack upside the head to knock some sense into him. Where he got this info from is beyond me, so I suggest he go out and have a few drinks with his buddies and get some education in satisfying his lady. Before you ever consider pleasuring this type of person ever again, you need to know that YOU deserve every bit of satisfaction and pleasure as anyone else does. 

In closing, you ask if this is justified cause to separate? 
YES, YES, YES!!! Quite honestly a control freak like him, deserves to be ALONE!


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## Confusion101 (Apr 9, 2013)

alisa said:


> He is controlling so whenever I brought it up, my intention was to come up with a solution, maybe a middle ground but he just doesnt care. I married him when I was 20 and he was the first one in my life, then I am from a very strict background so didnt know what to expect really. He certainly had his fair share before he married me because he is 8 years older than me but he never satisfied me from the very start. Now its already 7 years with his ways...so he is content with what he is getting!
> 
> Our relationship is all based on what he wants. He even justified his acts by saying that male satisfaction is important, not female's and I am just naive to even think that satisfying me sexually is his job!


OK so whose job is it to satisfy you? Does that mean you should go out and find satisfaction? I am so sorry but I think you have a HUGE problem. Sex is not the reason you should get a divorce, it is the fact that he is a very selfish and controlling person. Marriage is about give an take and he only wants to take. That's not right!!


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

alisa said:


> My question is... is sexual unsatisfaction a justified cause for separation?


I believe that marriage is (among many other things) a sexual union. A union is something that is formed by joining two things. In my opinion married sex is the joining of each of two, creating something more beautiful and fulfilling than each of us are on our own. When we exclude one person, willfully, from any part of the marriage (sexual or otherwise) then it calls into question whether there is even a union in the first place.

I believe that each of us is responsible for our partner's sexual fulfillment, but also that each of us has a responsibility not to make our own sexual fulfillment burdensome to our partner. I believe that the most beautiful and fulfilling marriages are those that have both equality and a mutual desire to please each other. What you have described is not a union. Your husband is excluding you from the sexual union, along with other parts of your marriage, and focusing solely on himself. 

In my opinion willfully denying a spouse sexual fulfillment is a grave violation of both the intent and contract of marriage. If you have made an effort to come together and address the willful exclusion of your needs from your marriage, and he has no interest, then you may want to consider if you are really married in anything other name only already. Whether or not it's just cause for separating, only you can say.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

alisa said:


> I posted more detail in http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/64142-thinking-separation.html a few months ago and that may give you more detail on a few other things.
> 
> )


Aw hun... I just read this.... it's heart breaking. I'm just blown away by his cruel behavior. The night he locked you out of the house you should have left. I have no words for how wrong and horrid that was and he says he will do it again. Please don't give him that opportunity.

He doesn't deserve you. What possible joy or happiness can he offer you to make up this life you lead?

Where can you go? Do you have ANY family or friends you could go too?

You deserve better.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

For myself, I would always give my wife oral + small vib at the same time every time before we started having sex. Her needs come first and then everything else will follow. I would love to do that but I rarely am allowed to go down on her.

I can't just expect sex from her with little to no foreplay. There has to be cuddling, massages, talking, kissing, you get the idea.

If you're a HD woman and he's a LD guy and he's not really willing to change or do much about it, either find other ways to relieve yourself or divorce him. I'm in that situation for 13+ years and even though I love my wife and she is a good woman, with the LD issues, I would of married someone else a second time around.

If I want sex one night, I always want to give it back and its not just about me. Selfish sex I just can't do.

You have to tell him, you want orgasms!!! Tell him what you want, oral, vib, whatever works for you, otherwise, no sex!!!


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Dear Mrs. OP, I think you should get a divorce. Such cruel husband are not worth keeping!


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## alisa (Dec 28, 2012)

waiwera said:


> Aw hun... I just read this.... it's heart breaking. I'm just blown away by his cruel behavior. The night he locked you out of the house you should have left. I have no words for how wrong and horrid that was and he says he will do it again. Please don't give him that opportunity.
> 
> He doesn't deserve you. What possible joy or happiness can he offer you to make up this life you lead?
> 
> ...


It all went downhill after that incident and believe it or not, I wasnt aware of his feelings till the time I talked to him. Being lousy is different and being aware of what you are doing and still continuing it are two different things. Then my lack of experience has a major role in it and it would have continued but I got some info on this and realised that our sex life is not balanced. I have brought this issue so many times and he isnt bothered probably because he is getting what he wants so why bother making an effort to please me after all these years! 

I dont have any family in Scotland but I have some in England but if I chose to leave, I will still stay by myself in Scotland as I am trained to work in Scotland and moving to England means getting used to English system which is different from Scottish. I am just waiting to secure myself financially before giving him one final warning! Lets see if he takes it seriously or not but from my opinion, I dont think he will!


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

I'm so glad to hear you have an escape plan. 

I agree if he was just ignorant he could be taught. But honestly he seems to have missed out on some loving, caring, nurturing genes. What kind of father do you imagine he would be?

Honestly I read your first post (with the locking out the house incident) and was gobsmacked. It was surreal...yet it's your life.


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## alisa (Dec 28, 2012)

yes it is... i am still trying to get to grips with the reality and understand what is wrong in my relationship and if I am making the right decision? So glad that I am getting support and advice from kind people like you! Now just need to muster up some courage to stand up for my rights and not get trapped in his many tactics to control me and make me doubt my own opinion!


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

It sounds like he bullies and manipulates you.... do you have any idea of why he is like he is...is his family like this?

What about writing down what you want to say in a letter to him. Putting it onto paper would allow you to say exactly what you want to say without him making you feel flustered or overwhelmed.

Give it to him and then leave him with it and go out... let it all sink in, in a situation where he only has to do one thing... read. When you talk he's probably more interested in his comeback/reply... I doubt he's really listening to your words.

But you have to be willing to go through with any threats... otherwise he will never take you seriously.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

alisa said:


> I dont have any family in Scotland but I have some in England but if I chose to leave, I will still stay by myself in Scotland as I am trained to work in Scotland and moving to England means getting used to English system which is different from Scottish. I am just waiting to secure myself financially before giving him one final warning! Lets see if he takes it seriously or not but from my opinion, I dont think he will!


I don't want to diminish these real-world concerns of yours: securing yourself financially, and having to get used to a different system once again. However, from where I sit, say, 20 or so years older than you with significantly more real-world ties that bind, I urge you to consider it's hard to find any more precious resource on this earth than your time -- your time to live, love, experience joy, and grow. From things you have said here and in your other thread, my hunch is you don't know that better days and nights await you, or that you deserve them -- but they do, and you do deserve them. And, in my humble opinion, there is no way you will find them with him (nor, he with you).

I urge you to just consider if there is a way to separate sooner than later. I'm not saying you should separate (who am I kidding?!), but don't trap yourself into thinking logistical/financial concerns should be optimized. Don't miss your chance and get trapped. Maybe you have an Aunt in England you could stay with while getting yourself more secure financially and adjusting to the English system?

Btw, I hope this doesn't sound goofy/silly to anyone, but I would like to add if you haven't seen the movies Yentl and The Truman Show, consider giving them a try; especially Yentl. Favorites of mine, as they have at times inspired me and given me hope and courage and a vision for change. Who knows, they might resonate with you in your situation, and help you further sort out what is normal and what it is you deserve. (Just don't let him ever see you watching them! Gosh, THAT sounds silly, but is meant quite seriously.)

I wish you all the happiness you deserve, which is more than you might have ever imagined.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

alisa said:


> So I am going through a lot of things in my marriage at the moment but a HUGE issue that surfaced a couple of months ago is my husband's opinion on my satisfaction. He has never tried to please me, he only comes close and get affectionate when he wants to have sex and after he admitted that he doesnt consider it important that I should "enjoy" it, I have realised that anything that I have shown to like in the past, he stopped doing it (and I mean everything that showed that I was liking it!). Then he also admitted that he is more happy if I dont enjoy it
> 
> I have spoken to him about it a few times and he isnt keen to change anything. I am having other issues with his controlling nature. My question is... is sexual unsatisfaction a justified cause for separation?


Yes.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Your situation is intolerable OP. Yes your situation is cause for separation, he is a brute of a man going by your description.

Many here will tell you that you have no right to happiness and that you must stay because you have committed to the marriage. But please do not waste your life with a man that does not care about your happiness.

All the best to you.


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## alisa (Dec 28, 2012)

waiwera said:


> It sounds like he bullies and manipulates you.... do you have any idea of why he is like he is...is his family like this?
> 
> What about writing down what you want to say in a letter to him. Putting it onto paper would allow you to say exactly what you want to say without him making you feel flustered or overwhelmed.
> 
> ...


He was always treated in a special way in his family as he has four older sisters, maybe thats why he has gotten quite selfish. Even in tiny day to day things, he only cares about his own benefit! 

I am intending on writing everything so I dont hesitate or forget about them when I talk to him but I want to speak to him about them all instead of sending him an email or a letter. I want to see how important my happiness is for him straight away instead of giving him time to "think" and get back to me. Maybe its a bit selfish or hasty but I believe that if me and my happiness is important to him, he will try to change otherwise he will, as always, try to wrap up everything in a series of reasons and excuses. I cant get myself embroiled in all this over and over again, I want in or out. 

I am saying it all because when I spoke to him about my sexual satisfaction, he gave me a whole list of reasons to prove that he is right in his thinking. And as always, i doubted myself thinking that maybe I am making a big deal out of it. Now I cant get into the same dialogue again. It will not be a discussion but my account of how I am feeling because if I get into one, I am very sure that I will doubt myself once again

Hope it makes sense! and yes, I am willing to go through with it. I have been thinking about it for so long and this is what I have come to realise:

* If I continue, I am giving away my right to be sexually satisfied for the rest of my life.

* I have a right to demand what I need and he should be meeting my needs like me and if he refuse to do so, then I should know that he doesnt love me. Love isnt selfish!

* I have to get strong because if I keep giving him what he wants, he will never realise my needs and try to fulfill them.

* How will I ever be able to make any decisions about my life and of my kids, if he keeps on controlling every aspect of my life?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

alisa said:


> So I am going through a lot of things in my marriage at the moment but a HUGE issue that surfaced a couple of months ago is my husband's opinion on my satisfaction. He has never tried to please me, he only comes close and get affectionate when he wants to have sex and after he admitted that he doesnt consider it important that I should "enjoy" it, I have realised that anything that I have shown to like in the past, he stopped doing it (and I mean everything that showed that I was liking it!). Then he also admitted that he is more happy if I dont enjoy it
> 
> I have spoken to him about it a few times and he isnt keen to change anything. I am having other issues with his controlling nature. My question is... is sexual unsatisfaction a justified cause for separation?


I would say no, it isn't. *But....* I would say that this 


> he admitted that he doesnt consider it important that I should "enjoy" it


*Would* be very legitimate grounds for separation!


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## alisa (Dec 28, 2012)

PieceOfSky said:


> I don't want to diminish these real-world concerns of yours: securing yourself financially, and having to get used to a different system once again. However, from where I sit, say, 20 or so years older than you with significantly more real-world ties that bind, I urge you to consider it's hard to find any more precious resource on this earth than your time -- your time to live, love, experience joy, and grow. From things you have said here and in your other thread, my hunch is you don't know that better days and nights await you, or that you deserve them -- but they do, and you do deserve them. And, in my humble opinion, there is no way you will find them with him (nor, he with you).
> 
> I urge you to just consider if there is a way to separate sooner than later. I'm not saying you should separate (who am I kidding?!), but don't trap yourself into thinking logistical/financial concerns should be optimized. Don't miss your chance and get trapped. Maybe you have an Aunt in England you could stay with while getting yourself more secure financially and adjusting to the English system?
> 
> ...


Thanks for your kind advice once again. I understand that time is important but I dont want to be hasty because I have given up a lot to get to the place I am at the moment. I was not supported by my inlaws when I went to Uni two years ago and my probationary year has probably been the toughest year of my life and on top of everything, stressful home environment and lack of support from my husband even made it harder. I dont want to mess it all up. I am just talking about a few months here and not years for sure! If I get a job, I am planning on doing it in June or probably in August. I have no intention of waiting too long as it will not help me or him in any way!

I have an uncle and an aunt in England but the kind of culture I am from, they will not understand why I have chosen to leave him and they will try their best to make me go back to him and I dont want it. I have spoken to my family and they are happy with whatever decision I will make and I dont want to convince everyone in me extended family about it. Believe it or not, I dont like disclosing my problem to everyone in my circle...

I have seen Truman show and yea, I am hoping that life will turn out to happy as I envisioned it to be and one part of me still want it to be with him...
I just have to keep reminding myself that I have to stay strong and fight for my rights because if I dont, I will never be happy and it will only get worse!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

alisa said:


> Thanks for your kind advice once again. I understand that time is important but I dont want to be hasty because I have given up a lot to get to the place I am at the moment. I was not supported by my inlaws when I went to Uni two years ago and my probationary year has probably been the toughest year of my life and on top of everything, stressful home environment and lack of support from my husband even made it harder. I dont want to mess it all up. I am just talking about a few months here and not years for sure! If I get a job, I am planning on doing it in June or probably in August. I have no intention of waiting too long as it will not help me or him in any way!
> 
> I have an uncle and an aunt in England but the kind of culture I am from, they will not understand why I have chosen to leave him and they will try their best to make me go back to him and I dont want it. I have spoken to my family and they are happy with whatever decision I will make and I dont want to convince everyone in me extended family about it. *Believe it or not, I dont like disclosing my problem to everyone in my circle...*
> 
> ...


Alisa I can believe it. In fact, nobody in my family knows anything about my marriage problems. Because I didn't want them to know.

Not caring if your wife enjoys sex. Now, would there be a 'cultural' thing happening, here?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Yes, it most certainly is grounds for separation. Why on earth would you have sex if you don't get to enjoy it? Stop doing that to yourself and leave that cruel and selfish man.


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## alisa (Dec 28, 2012)

Honestly speaking, I dont really know where he is coming from. As far as I am aware of it, its not part of my culture and my husband is always going on and on about rights of women and how women are not treated well etc in our culture. Then with this revelation, he also said that maybe equal rights of women has gone a bit over board because sexual satisfaction among women is quite rare (yea, thats what he said!) and maybe I should stop reading about it...

Rights are rights and even if someone is not aware of their rights for a long time, it doesnt mean that you have a right to violate them...does that make sense?


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## alisa (Dec 28, 2012)

@cosmos.... I am getting there....just wanting to give myself the peace of mind that I am not being selfish by leaving him for these reasons...hope i am not sounding too naive...


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

If you have time, get and read the book "Your Perfect Right" which discusses being more assertive.

His controlling attitude probably stifles your ability to voice your opinion or stay committed to your opinion once he starts putting it/you down. Being more assertive will help you, if not now then in your future.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

alisa said:


> I am intending on writing everything so I dont hesitate or forget about them when I talk to him but I want to speak to him about them all instead of sending him an email or a letter. I want to see how important my happiness is for him straight away instead of giving him time to "think" and get back to me.


alisa - You know yourself and your husband better than anyone here or elsewhere...your doing what you know/feel is right. 

I wish you the best in this... great knowing you have a plan B if your H doesn't respond positively.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

alisa said:


> I have realised that anything that I have shown to like in the past, he stopped doing it (and I mean everything that showed that I was liking it!). Then he also admitted that he is more happy if I dont enjoy it


Wow!! Is he Muslim, by any chance? Because that is the same attitude I have seen with some Muslim men that I have known.

The only positive thing I can see here is that at least he is honest about what he wants. Now it's time for you to be honest about what YOU want.


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## alisa (Dec 28, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> If you have time, get and read the book "Your Perfect Right" which discusses being more assertive.
> 
> His controlling attitude probably stifles your ability to voice your opinion or stay committed to your opinion once he starts putting it/you down. Being more assertive will help you, if not now then in your future.


Thanks Chris... I certainly need to work on this..funny how my profession requires it on daily basis and I am in such position in front of my husband!


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## alisa (Dec 28, 2012)

waiwera said:


> alisa - You know yourself and your husband better than anyone here or elsewhere...your doing what you know/feel is right.
> 
> I wish you the best in this... great knowing you have a plan B if your H doesn't respond positively.


I have used emails before on many occasions and he literally doesnt read them or even if he does, he gets back to me by saying that I just love making issues out of nothing and maybe I should spend that time reading something useful! So I am not going to spend lots of time writing something that he isnt going to take seriously. I better speak to him about it and give him a timescale after seeing his response. One way or another, I am not going to let myself locked out or in my own house. Who knows how he reacts, I have to secure myself before doing such a thing....


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## alisa (Dec 28, 2012)

Theseus said:


> Wow!! Is he Muslim, by any chance? Because that is the same attitude I have seen with some Muslim men that I have known.
> 
> The only positive thing I can see here is that at least he is honest about what he wants. Now it's time for you to be honest about what YOU want.


He was born muslim but he says he is an atheist now. He is very active in promoting rationalist thought, he is a member of a rationalist society and is always going on about the rights of women etc. Guess he has not truly changed....


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

alisa said:


> He was born muslim but he says he is an atheist now. He is very active in promoting rationalist thought, he is a member of a rationalist society and is always going on about the rights of women etc. Guess he has not truly changed....


Oh. The problem is some people confuse rational thought with rationalising thoughts, and this leads them to become arrogant, self-serving and selfish.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

alisa said:


> Now just need to muster up some courage to stand up for my rights and not get trapped in his many tactics to control me and make me doubt my own opinion!


In case it wasn't clear to anyone why I mentioned The Truman Show, it is because this is exactly what the movie was about to me -- finding EXACTLY that sort of courage. Truman was being controlled and made to doubt his mind and worth in many ways. He had only an inkling that he deserved better, and that better was possible. He kept this feeling to himself, but never let go of it. His dissatisfaction with the status quoue grew and grew, along with his despair. Eventually, he started to believe he deserved better, and started to see that the opinion that should matter most is his own -- not his wife's, not his friends, not his family. And, eventually he found the courage to act despite his fears and even amplified attempts to control him.

Most people I know never saw the movie that way, or would find it inspiring in anyway. But, it worked for me, and thought perhaps it would resonate with you.

(Sorry for the little movie review here, but certain movies inspire me and give me emotional fuel, and this one just seemed relevant here.)


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> If you're a HD woman and he's a LD guy...


I'm sorry to cut you off, but this has nothing to do with her being HD or him LD. It's simply this:

1) She is a woman (a human being, and in this case much more deserving of respect and happiness and fulfillment than she knows).

2) He is a misogynist (or at least acts like one) and a bully and a control-freak and a spoiled brat....


I'm sorry to be so blunt, but her husband's sort of behavior a pet-peeve of mine.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

alisa said:


> He was born muslim but he says he is an atheist now. He is very active in promoting rationalist thought, he is a member of a rationalist society and is always going on about the rights of women etc. Guess he has not truly changed....


I can see how this could be confusing.

I happen to be an atheist, too. And I grew up in a very religious family, in my case a Christian one, a protestant denomination that I think of as fundamentalist (interprets the Bible fairly literally) yet/and has a culture that values women's feelings, hopes, and freedoms though might box them into some traditions I find unfair and just plain wrong. In any case, I know many women in that community that seem happy and fulfilled -- including my mother and sister -- and that is seen as a good and proper thing to EVERYone I have ever known from that community (ok, except for maybe a few jerks I don't waste time remembering).

When I "lost" my religion, it was literally that I started coming to different conclusions about the existence of God, based upon an intense and personal quest for answers. BUT --- and this is my main point -- I didn't lose the values installed in me by my very sincere and loving parents during my upbringing. I didn't change and instantly reject any biases, helpful or unhelpful, on my views of anything. Reconciling what I "think and conclude" with what I "absorbed" unconsciously during childhood, and then making the result of all that impact my behavior is a much longer process -- it lasts a lifetime. In many ways, for good or bad, I'm quite the same person I was 23 years ago.

And just because he thinks he is rational does not mean he comes to the correct conclusions. And, IMHO, he has strong incentives to convince himself he is "right" about his behavior -- which IMHO makes one vulnerable to rationalizing rather than being rational, a problem identified by another poster.

I hope I'm not being too long winded. I hope this helps with clearing your confusion about his philosophical change.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I know someone who when they were religious they were an insufferable, asinine, arrogant so-and-so.

Now they are an atheist, guess what? They are *still* an insufferable, asinine, arrogant so-and-so!


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Hi I'm not Indian I just have this user name. Are either of you religious? We're either of you raised in a religious family? 
I think I posted on your first thread. He's being a controlling idiot. 
You have every right to divorce him. He is treating you as less than human. 
Is this an arranged marriage?


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Oh sorry I just saw that he was raised Muslim. 
In short he's being an asshöle. 

I had an Indian friend who had a husband with a similar attitude. I ended up serving the divorce papers to him at the hospital where he worked. Very fun. 
She is a million times happier now.


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## alisa (Dec 28, 2012)

Theseus said:


> Wow!! Is he Muslim, by any chance? Because that is the same attitude I have seen with some Muslim men that I have known.
> 
> The only positive thing I can see here is that at least he is honest about what he wants. Now it's time for you to be honest about what YOU want.


Done it so many times that I have lost count now! How can you convince someone who thinks that its not an issue to start with?


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## AMRAP (Feb 21, 2013)

Alisa

You are still young. Imagine being in this relationship 5, 10, 20 years from now! You can have a great life. I believe you are figuring out you want out of this relationship. In the meantime DO NOT get pregnant! It will make things 10X harder and you will be tied to this man forever.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

alisa said:


> How can you convince someone who thinks that its not an issue to start with?


You cannot, and are not at all obliged to try. Your energy is best spent elsewhere.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

AMRAP said:


> Alisa
> In the meantime DO NOT get pregnant! It will make things 10X harder and you will be tied to this man forever.


That is your biggest risk, IMHO. He may even *intentionally* try to get you pregnant to keep you tied to him. Seemingly "normal" people do this to each other all the time. Or, at least I think I've known some in my lifetime.

Sorry to repeat myself, but please make sure your birth control method is something he cannot subvert.


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## alisa (Dec 28, 2012)

PieceOfSky said:


> I can see how this could be confusing.
> 
> I happen to be an atheist, too. And I grew up in a very religious family, in my case a Christian one, a protestant denomination that I think of as fundamentalist (interprets the Bible fairly literally) yet/and has a culture that values women's feelings, hopes, and freedoms though might box them into some traditions I find unfair and just plain wrong. In any case, I know many women in that community that seem happy and fulfilled -- including my mother and sister -- and that is seen as a good and proper thing to EVERYone I have ever known from that community (ok, except for maybe a few jerks I don't waste time remembering).
> 
> ...


I cant thankyou enough for your kind words and the time you have taken to reply. 

He believes that he is very smart and he is able to make better decisions than me, which I am not arguing with tbh. But he constantly makes me feel like I am stupid, cant make a good decision, have no sense...he makes me worthless with everything and I am not trying to brag here but I had been an A grade student my whole life, passed my degree with distinction and did my post grad with flying colours. He, on the other hand, started so many things and never finished any one of them. He is bringing this attitude into every aspect of our lives and I am losing patience with every day.

As for getting pregnant, he doesnt want babies, so we are not trying anyways. 

I have watched the Truman show and I didnt get that message when i watched the movie but I agree with you on this. I have been with him for more than 7 years now and I need to make an effort to believe that there is a world out there in which I can be happy! I have to believe in it! 

I am very glad that I can talk about it all here at TAM and get support and advice from all the wonderful people here!


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

He's an emotional abuser. It makes him feel good to treat you like crap.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

alisa said:


> As for getting pregnant, he doesnt want babies, so we are not trying anyways.


Please understand, you need to be trying very hard to AVOID getting pregnant. Even if you are not planning to have intercourse, and doing anything else sexually, you could get pregnant if his semen contacts your body (you know, down there) enough to eventually make its way in. 

Please understand, even if you don't put yourself in that sort of situation, there may come a day when he decides to force that to happen; he may not want babies, but he certainly wants to control you, and keep you tied to him, and use pregnancy as a means to do so.

If this is the least bit confusing to you, please go see a (female) doctor now and tell her of the situation you are in.

I am so sorry to be so graphic. But I have no idea if you understand the potentials here, and I thought it would be better to error on the side of "too much information." If I have made you uncomfortable, I apologize.




> I have watched the Truman show and I didnt get that message when i watched the movie but I agree with you on this. I have been with him for more than 7 years now and I need to make an effort to believe that there is a world out there in which I can be happy! I have to believe in it!


I also highly recommend the movie "Yentl" (that's where my username comes from). To me, it more inspirational than the Truman show, though they have similarities. Yentl may help you believe there is such a world. And, there is.


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## alisa (Dec 28, 2012)

PieceOfSky said:


> You cannot, and are not at all obliged to try. Your energy is best spent elsewhere.


I cant agree more.... I have to remind myself of this everyday to make me stronger!


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## alisa (Dec 28, 2012)

PieceOfSky said:


> Please understand, you need to be trying very hard to AVOID getting pregnant. Even if you are not planning to have intercourse, and doing anything else sexually, you could get pregnant if his semen contacts your body (you know, down there) enough to eventually make its way in.
> 
> Please understand, even if you don't put yourself in that sort of situation, there may come a day when he decides to force that to happen; he may not want babies, but he certainly wants to control you, and keep you tied to him, and use pregnancy as a means to do so.
> 
> ...


I understand it fully and I will do it for sure! I will make an appointment with my doctor on Monday!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

alisa said:


> So I am going through a lot of things in my marriage at the moment but a HUGE issue that surfaced a couple of months ago is my husband's opinion on my satisfaction. He has never tried to please me, he only comes close and get affectionate when he wants to have sex and after he admitted that he doesnt consider it important that I should "enjoy" it, I have realised that anything that I have shown to like in the past, he stopped doing it (and I mean everything that showed that I was liking it!). Then he also admitted that he is more happy if I dont enjoy it
> 
> I have spoken to him about it a few times and he isnt keen to change anything. I am having other issues with his controlling nature. My question is... is sexual unsatisfaction a justified cause for separation?


HELL yes!


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