# just venting... Trigger dates have started



## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Well here I am back at the beginning. My incessant need for details about my wife’s affair planted a bunch of dates in my head. I guess I will remember them forever. I’m glad the affair was short. The first trigger date is today…the 31st of August. This was the first “sex chat” that they had. This will continue for me every week or so, up until the 12th of November (D-Day).

We are doing a lot better these days. Recovery is moving along. I’ve actually been able to start keeping myself under control a bit and have been working on pushing the negative thoughts from my head when they come up. My wife has been everything she has needed to be. I just know that the next few months will be a struggle in my own head. Hopefully I will get past November 12th as a changed man.

Biggest thoughts these days are still worrying about the future, and feeling like I handled the OM inappropriately. I now understand that letting him walk did not do “me” any favors. It multiplied the feeling that I have not had any control of this from start to finish. At the same time, I know that I needed to let him walk for the sake of my marriage recovery. I did not need his girlfriend getting involved in our mess. What my wife and I were going through was bad enough, and the affair was over. Plus, violence between the two of us would have been nearly unavoidable if I had done that. Still considering telling her on my D-Day. That way he will remember that date as well as I will for the rest of my life. He’s married her during the past year, so that would be super ugly for him. 

Ok, that’s the end of my vent for the day. I’m really much better these days. I just wanted to get this out. I’ll be locking or pushing a lot of this away and that sucks.


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

it-guy said:


> . Still considering telling her on my D-Day. That way he will remember that date as well as I will for the rest of my life. He’s married her during the past year, so that would be super ugly for him.


I'd go for it  Revenge is always best served cold.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

ugh we share the same date


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## better than before (Aug 3, 2011)

The triggers are hard- don't know if August 18th will leave my head anytime soon. It would be nice to have a "flashy thing" like on the Men in Black movie! It is good to remember, so the past doesn't repeat, but not easy. We are over 1 year out now, but little things still hurt. My H and I are wonderful now but it doesn't erase it all. Good luck with d day; ours was good, no OW drama (she is crazy). I felt like a weight was lifted when that day was over )
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Yep at this point telling the OMW would just drag the drama back up and it is not welcome. If I only knew they would deal with it without any of if being tossed in our direction I would do it in a heartbeat. Couldn't think of anything better than constantly reminding him about it for a year (which I have.....blown him out countless times at random) and then drop the bomb one year later on the same date.

I appreciate everyones threads here talking about their recovery process. They give me hope about all of this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Good luck man - try to do something awesome on trigger days. My 5/4 DDay was when I was at a business conference that I will likely have to go to again. My W offered to come with me to that conference next year. That would be so helpful, actually. Try to replace the bad day with something positive the both of you will remember.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

it-guy said:


> Yep at this point telling the OMW would just drag the drama back up and it is not welcome. If I only knew they would deal with it without any of if being tossed in our direction I would do it in a heartbeat. Couldn't think of anything better than constantly reminding him about it for a year (which I have.....blown him out countless times at random) and then drop the bomb one year later on the same date.
> 
> I appreciate everyones threads here talking about their recovery process. They give me hope about all of this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The EMOTIONAL AFFECT of triggers decreases over time. That is, the depth and strength of the emotions diminish to nothing, over time. When I get triggered with things from long ago in the past, was with stbx for 42 years, I can now deal with them with just a shrug of the shoulders.

I reckon what men do with things like these is, in time, put them on a shelf in a “mental cupboard”. Over time these things gather dust and go from our short term into our long term memory. And in that way they are totally and absolutely “forgotten”. You just never ever think about them again on a daily basis. From experience, you will be triggered again, possibly way off sometime in the future. But you will never again experience the exceedingly painful emotions from times past.

You are working through these things, most especially your emotions. And you are being realistic about them. You have not suppressed your emotions. You are doing absolutely the things that need to be done.



If you want, at times, to get ABOVE YOUR EMOTIONS and therefore experience relief from them, read that Awareness book (Anthony de Mello).


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## Okie (Jul 14, 2010)

Today is a different kind of trigger day for me. It is one year to the day that I called OMW and got her out of bed to the news of her husbands EA with my wife. After hanging up I sent her copies of a bunch of emails to give proof. OM was a pretty sly talker figured he would weasel out of it if I didn't. Shortly after that, I sent an email to him at work informing him I had all his information and would send his company records of his texting and phone calls to my wife during business hours.

Looking back, part of me wishes I had sent my wife packing after all the BS she put me through, but having kids made that a choice I could not live with. I still check the key logger occasionally and am mindful of behaviour patterns. My guard will never be down again.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

I just want to say I'm sorry for your pain. Tough times, I can imagine. But you will get through.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

These next few months are trigger months for me too it-guy. My H's EA was already 3 months in last year at this time, but it was this month that they finally had sex. The date came and went and I did trigger. Now we have my birthday, anniversary, and the holidays.... all of which we celebrated last year while he was having the affair. Mixed emotions about celebrating them this year. 

The next big trigger date is end of October when my H had sex with the OW for the second and last time. The holidays will be hard too, because d-day was shortly after. Already plotting how to avoid triggers if possible.

So far talking about how I'm feeling and keeping busy helps. Also, doing new things and creating new memories on those dates might help. I'll keep you posted.


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## better than before (Aug 3, 2011)

It is hard to move forward and not focus on what was happening during A last year as dates pass again. I am trying to also focus on positive new memories we create. Funny how little things can get you going. I am discovering it is getting easier; getting past d-day was a huge relief for us both!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hijo (Sep 1, 2011)

Sorry for asking, being new here. Can someone tell me what is D-Day?

I was thinking discovery, but it sounds more like the day of confrontation?


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## better than before (Aug 3, 2011)

Hijo said:


> Sorry for asking, being new here. Can someone tell me what is D-Day?
> 
> I was thinking discovery, but it sounds more like the day of confrontation?[/
> Think most view it as day you confront spouse either as one who has discovered affair(loyal spouse LS) or disloyal spouse(DS) admitting affair. Think it is a day most people can't ever forget!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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