# Would u stop fighting for your marriage if husband not sure of feelings?



## kathr1322 (Aug 22, 2012)

Weve been married for 5 yrs, have a great 6 yr old son. together for 12 years ..... over the 12 yr span ,, my husband has had doubts of love towards me ..... this last one which happened 3 weeks ago cause us splitting apart... he says hes unsure of what he feels for me .. Is not comfortobale with me anylonger, due to something degrating I said to him during a heated argument 3 weeks ago, which I apologized for and he accepted my apology , but he cant seem to forget it and its eating away at what we have.. he never gave me the chance to help him get through it,, lack of communication. I told him he can either stay and work it out? or clear his head on what he really wants but he would have to go think somewhere else... right awa he chose to leave. its been 3 weeks now. I still feel like if its the first day he left .. he now tells me that he's been at peace since he left my side. but he's just sad about leaving our 6 yr old son. we text back and forth and I take our son to see his daddy every weekend, which is hard for me , as I love my husband so.. but i feel he's going to leave us... he's just scared to tell me the truth .. or is scared to be on his own.. and just wants us stringing us along for back up .. any advise!!! i dont know what to do .. I love my family and I never thought he would stop loving me or leaving us .. doesnt even want to try to work it out ........


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

What did you say to him that he felt was degrading? Where is he staying since he left?


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Hi Kathr sorry you here My advise would be to back off and decide what exactly you want in your life if its your husband maybe suggest mc i mean you have already said yr sorry and apoligized he might be looking for a way out and cannot man up and tell you his true feelings. You have the power so to speak set your boundaries and he can either meet them or not life is too short to be hung up on others indecision start doing things for you and your son and develop some hobbies or recontact old friends and start doing things you like to do 

Good luck


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## kathr1322 (Aug 22, 2012)

He's staying at his supervisors apt .. He lives 1 block from where he works,, and his boss has no car.. and I have our family car.. so he has no transportation.... I basically told him that he was useless, and felt like i was the man of the house instead of him. he never wants to progress... and is afraid to get better jobs, due to being laid off.. he's turned down several job opportunities due to that reason, and is at a warehouse job right now. .. I know he can do better,, but i feel he's a comformist. ,,, i think thats what did it,, i hurt his man pride ,, per say


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## kathr1322 (Aug 22, 2012)

in the wind: I do plan do ,, i went to the craft shop and got a painting kit.. I did tell him to go to counseling .. I should have suggested MC , instead of individual therapy .... but i fear he will decline if I suggest that....


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

kath - it probably hurt him b/c there is a lot of truth in there...and he knows it. Pathetic that he would walk out on his kid over that...or maybe he has plenty of other reasons, and just used this as an excuse. 

My W has told me, during heated arguments, WAY worse that this. When your H decides to stop pouting like a toddler, hand him the No More Mr. Nice Guy book. OTOH, maybe you don't need a "man" you can't count on, and you should tell him to stay where he is. Sorry you're going through this.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Just thought I would throw this out there to think about. Most people don't just up and leave their family unless they have some place to go. Know what I mean? 

After all you did say the 12 yrs you all have been together, he had doubts of love for you. So this isn't something that just happened. It seems that maybe he has been battling his feelings for awhile. And then when you said what you said, that was the last straw and maybe just the excuse he had been looking for to leave.


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## kathr1322 (Aug 22, 2012)

thunderstruck: its very pathetic,, in the way he left.. he actually stormed out of the house ,, and actually grinned that he was leaving ... I feel he's just stringing me along... incase his "TRIAL" living apart doesnt seem to be working .... Still I Have hunch its over...and I need to end it .. to go on with my life


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

kathr1322 said:


> he actually stormed out of the house ,, and actually grinned that he was leaving ...


 He grinned as he left? Sounds like it was planned and he had some place to go ahead of time. He knew what he was doing. As much as it hurts, might be time to move on.


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## kathr1322 (Aug 22, 2012)

trey69: thanks for the reply ..... yes I have so thought about that senario myself and I feel it might be the correct one ..... He however didnt expect me to pack all of his stuff this past saturday and leave it by the door when he came to see our son...... he later texted me ,, "why are you mad at me,, its not like I cheated on you" ,,, after the fact that he told me he doesnt love me and doesnt want to continue with me... and he clarified that he said that becuase I was pushing him ,, which I was,, but I have never been in this position ever in mylife, and i didnt know what to do .. Felt desperate,, did all I could, but he stil said no. I feel hes playing w/ my life. and it needs to stop .


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

He sounds completely immature. He needed a valid reason to walk and you gave it to him from what it sounds like.

IMO good riddance. Who needs that?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> "why are you mad at me,, its not like I cheated on you"


That you KNOW of. Who says that? 

He left, has been gone for weeks. This isn't a game. He wants to play games he needs to do it with someone else.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

kathr1322 said:


> Weve been married for 5 yrs, have a great 6 yr old son. together for 12 years ..... over the 12 yr span ,, my husband has had doubts of love towards me ..... this last one which happened 3 weeks ago cause us splitting apart... he says hes unsure of what he feels for me .. Is not comfortobale with me anylonger, due to something degrating I said to him during a heated argument 3 weeks ago, which I apologized for and he accepted my apology , but he cant seem to forget it and its eating away at what we have.. he never gave me the chance to help him get through it,, lack of communication. *I told him he can either stay and work it out?* or clear his head on what he really wants *but he would have to go think somewhere else*... right awa he chose to leave. its been 3 weeks now. I still feel like if its the first day he left .. he now tells me that he's been at peace since he left my side. but he's just sad about leaving our 6 yr old son. we text back and forth and I take our son to see his daddy every weekend, which is hard for me , as I love my husband so.. but i feel he's going to leave us... he's just scared to tell me the truth .. or is scared to be on his own.. and just wants us stringing us along for back up .. any advise!!! i dont know what to do .. I love my family and I never thought he would stop loving me or leaving us .. doesnt even want to try to work it out ........
> 
> *I basically told him that he was useless, and felt like i was the man of the house instead of him. he never wants to progress... and is afraid to get better jobs, due to being laid off.. he's turned down several job opportunities due to that reason, and is at a warehouse job right now. .. I know he can do better,, but i feel he's a comformist. ,,, i think thats what did it,, i hurt his man pride ,, per say*


Uhmm, I think you need to take a hard look in the mirror to how you truly treat him. I have a feeling you speak to him regularly in a degrading fashion. You see it as he should "reach his full potential" and he sees his job situation as stable. Maybe he's not a "reach my FULLEST potential" kind of guy. Maybe he's comfortable (not a conformist...big difference) and frankly doesn't WANT more. If he makes a decent enough living and has time for his family, and is satisfied with what he does, why does he HAVE to change?

You set a lot of demands. You pass a lot of judgement on him. Why did he "have to go somewhere else" to clear his head? It's his house just as much as yours, right? It's not like he cheated on you and you can't trust him and don't want to face him. You DID degrade him. Calling a man, especially if he's content with who he is, USELESS and then emasculating him....He doesn't want to be married to a woman who's going to treat him that way, and almost ANY man with half a spine wouldn't either. I'm sure he still loves you, but can't stand how you treat him "in those heated moments". And then you tell him HE NEEDS COUNSELING....really for what? Because he doesn't want to be called useless?

Now obviously I'm only seeing a TINY part of your relationships but before you start trying to fix him, maybe you can try and fix yourself and see how he responds....I think you might be surprised. And DEFINITELY do Marriage Counseling together and OWN your errors. If you degrade him, then apologize, then degrade him again....your apology carries no weight. 

Sorry if this feels like its hard on you, but you don't seem to be taking any responsibility and chalking up your obvious disrespect as "hurting his man pride". You can't diminish your part in this by assigning it to his "fragile ego". You were VERY wrong and probably need some counseling of your own to learn how to treat your spouse with more respect. I do truly hope you and your husband can work it out. I know the damage a divorce does on children and would hate to see your child go through that.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

kathr1322 said:


> He's staying at his supervisors apt .. He lives 1 block from where he works,, and his boss has no car.. and I have our family car.. so he has no transportation.... I basically told him that he was useless, and felt like i was the man of the house instead of him. he never wants to progress... and is afraid to get better jobs, due to being laid off.. he's turned down several job opportunities due to that reason, and is at a warehouse job right now. .. I know he can do better,, but i feel he's a comformist. ,,, i think thats what did it,, i hurt his man pride ,, per say


The problem is, even though you "apologized" for your hurtful comments, it sounds like you still actually believe them. An apology doesn't really do anything if you still believe the things you said.


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## kathr1322 (Aug 22, 2012)

dad&hubby: We hardly have arguments like this one . THis was a rare incident. . I dont think im like you describe.. .. this was in a heat of a moment thing that just came out and I said seomthing I didnt mean, I was stressed that day ,, we had just finished moving, I was tired as well, and he was too.. I think he resents me for saying those things, but he doesnt communicate.... I did cross the line and I apologized,, he even said ,," i forgive you ,, lets start fresh with clean slate" but he's still stuck on what I said in the past...


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## kathr1322 (Aug 22, 2012)

working on me: right ,, HE still believes the things I said are true,, but they are not... hes been great. and supportive,, very patient,, and a great daddy, and husband... alot of people tend to say stuff they dont mean from times.... I just never thought this would end my marriage.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

trey69 said:


> He grinned as he left? Sounds like it was planned and he had some place to go ahead of time. He knew what he was doing. As much as it hurts, might be time to move on.


I agree. Sorry OP. Smiling after receiving a "hurtful" comment (that is probably true) right before you walk out on your kid?

Sounds planned.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

kathr1322 said:


> working on me: right ,, HE still believes the things I said are true,, but they are not... hes been great. and supportive,, very patient,, and a great daddy, and husband... alot of people tend to say stuff they dont mean from times.... I just never thought this would end my marriage.


So the things you said are not true? Or you regret saying them in the way you did?


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## Lenny (Aug 22, 2012)

We all say things we dont mean at various times, I would say to you get on with your life, he's toying with you!


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

He doesn't sound to hurt by anything if he is grinning while he is walking away to leave! He left because he wants out! He is showing you what he wants/doesn't want. 

And regardless of what you have said to him or the way you have said it, he could have chosen to stay and seek help to save his marriage, but he didn't.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

kathr1322 said:


> dad&hubby: We hardly have arguments like this one . THis was a rare incident. . I dont think im like you describe.. .. this was in a heat of a moment thing that just came out and I said seomthing I didnt mean, I was stressed that day ,, we had just finished moving, I was tired as well, and he was too.. I think he resents me for saying those things, but he doesnt communicate.... I did cross the line and I apologized,, he even said ,," i forgive you ,, lets start fresh with clean slate" but he's still stuck on what I said in the past...


Well Like I said, I only see a very TINY part of your relationship. Noone here can give you a true proper idea of what a good path is because of how limited our view of the FULL situation is.

I know if my wife ever said something like that, HELL would break lose. We struggle financially and I'm in a "go no where" but stable job. It gives me nights and weekends with my family (unlike previous work I've done) and that is more valuable than an extra 20K-40K per year I could make doing something else. It's a sacrifice we BOTH make in order for me to be a more active husband and father to our children. I value an evening with my family to be worth more than $100 ($36,000 per year). Would I walk out on her, only if she had a history of doing it and I had grown so tired of hearing it.


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