# Has anyone separated or split their kids in a divorce ?



## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Long story short..

2 boys 13 and 8.

My wife did not keep her infidelity a secret from the kids. My 13 year old basically figured out what she was doing and he has seen the pain it caused me. 

As an example several times while she was chatting in the bedroom on the computer with the OM while the 8 year old was present, my 13 year old would want to come in and hang out and she would immediately tell him to leave. Of course at first he didn't understand why she was letting the little guy stay and not letting him come in. 

I had to explain that its not that his mother didn't love him, it was that she was embarrassed or ashamed of what she was doing and didn't want him to see because he was old enough and smart enough to understand.

There are a bunch of other instances as well. It seems my wife is going to move in with this man that my son has never met. 

My son expressed in simple terms he doesn't want to see this guy kissing his mother or hearing them having sex. He feels this guy help break up the family. 

End result he doesn't want to go with her, He doesn't want to be friends with guy. 

I can't see myself forcing him to go. I could see the look of betrayal on his face if I force him. I honestly don't know how the youngest is going to take this. I know he cries if he see's my oldest gets hurt and cries. 

I know I didn't do anything to cause this. But the pain for me is almost unbearable. The last thing I would want to do is separate my kid. But I have no clue what the fvck to do but just do it. 

This isn't fair for a human being to have to deal with. 

Has anyone have a clue or some guidance for me please..


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Hardtohandle said:


> Long story short..
> 
> 2 boys 13 and 8.
> 
> ...


Is there anyway you can get custody of both? After some time the older might come around. They need each other right now, splitting them doesn't seem right
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Are you doing a legal separation or divorce? What is the status?


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

@golfergirl

I must have misspoke. The oldest wants to stay with me.

@zillard

We settled out of court on what she will get. My lawyer is just writing up the final draft and I will be giving it to her to sign.

There is verbiage in the paperwork that states the kids are free to decide who they want to be with when of age. 12 is just about when judges will listen to what a child wants and 13 is pretty golden.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Hi
When my parents divorced I went with my mum and my sister stayed with my dad. We were a bit older though (13 and 17) and were given the choice.
We still saw our other parent often and I stayed with my dad whenever I wanted to. It didn't affect my relationship with my sister or my parents.

If you older child wants to live with you, then at 13, I think that is old enough to chose. He still needs to have a relationship with his mother though and his sibling and this should be actively encouraged.
Always tell the kids the truth of what has happened but try and keep your emotions and opinions out of it.
There's no reason why your boy shouldn't stay with you if that's what he wants.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Splitting kids is a terrible idea. It will destroy their relationship. Let them keep each other.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Thanks for the replies..

As far as splitting them up. I just don't see how I can keep them together. 

My wife basically ostracized my oldest because he was too smart and understood what was going on. But it didn't stop my wife from doing everything she did out in the open. 

End result my son seeing my wives phone ring with a contact picture of my wife and this other man together upset him.

My wife calling and texting this man while I am in the house out in the open upset him. That upset him because I asked my wife one night if she could be a bit more civil and a human being to understand that maybe I might still have feeling for her and her doing that is or was painful to me. He over heard the conversation. Subsequently it upset him that she would talk to this guy while I was present. 

He was aware that I caught her with a secret phone and was aware that when she got rid of that phone, she ended up getting yet a 2nd secret phone from the guy. 

He is upset that my youngest told him that this OM will take them places and mentioned a place that we intended on going to but never went. My son again being smart figured out or understood, how could this OM know about that place without my wife telling him what to say.

My wife has gone to my son asking him what I have been talking to him about and if was corrupting him. But again my son can see that my wife and this OM are trying to corrupt his brother.

He is aware that my wife told my youngest to lie to me about my wife and my youngest son meeting up with this OM and going out. 

Basically because my son was too smart my wife cut him out of things, BUT NEVER explained anything to him. The only time he understood anything was because I sat him down and explained things to him, also along with the therapist giving him some insight.

I asked my wife yesterday if she was going to move in with this guy. She said I don't know.. Which means yes.

But regardless I asked my son if mom does NOT move in with this guy do you want to go with her. Again he said no.

The advantage I have with this is my dad left and never came back when I was 12. At 12 years old I understood what he did and the games he played with my mother. My 13 year old is much, much more smarter then I was at 12 or even 13,14 or 15. 

I kept telling her she didn't think of the kids or me when she was doing all of this. She would get offended by the kids comment. 

Regardless she will think and accuse me of poisoning his mind anyway as she will not want to take any blame for anything she has done.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

What your wife is doing to her sons is just horrible.  She should be ashamed of herself. She's doing a great job of tearing apart her parenthood card. She is acting in a disgusting, selfish and horrible manner to both her kids.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Unfortunately I can relate on 2 sides of this. 1st my brother sister and I were split. We went for our summer visits with dad & stepmom and my younger sister (8) & brother (6) were talked into staying. I was 11 & knew better but I was told I couldn't go home till mom said it was okay for them to stay. After much legal wrangling my dad got custody of them (the 70's was great for divorce ugh!) And I went home to mom. We didn't see each other for 4 yrs (we lived in different States) after that throughout the 80's we had more regular visits & in 1988 my brother was 15 & the judge let him move home. I'm also very close to my sister now too.

Jump ahead present day my H left me 2 months ago tomorrow (my story is on another thread) and moved in with OW. He expected my kids to go for dinner at " the house" two weeks after he left ( kids are D23 S20 S14) he couldn't understand why they put him off. I had to tell him they didn't want to meet or have a relationship with this woman.

I wish you luck. I cannot blame your 13 yr old one bit. He doesn't need to deal with a childish selfish parent. I cant understand how these WS can think of themselves before thief kids wellbeing.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

H2H,

Did you take any steps to crush the affair?


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Conrad said:


> H2H,
> 
> Did you take any steps to crush the affair?


Not really..

The OM is 53 never married, no kids.. So there was no one to really tell on him. 

My wife, I could have told relatives, but as her cousin said to me I know and feel bad but she is family. That means I will take her side because she is family. Her brother knows and is twice divorced with an affair under his belt as well is siding with her. He will not take my calls. 

My In laws live in another state. I sort of fear that her father could get a heart attack if he knew. They still don't know.. I will eventually tell them regardless. They have always been kind to me.

But at this time she has an apartment with this guy, though we are not divorced and she has not agreed to the papers yet. I'm pretty much done here. I am just looking to move on with my life ATM. I am not ashamed to say that at this point I am getting so emotionally exhausted that even I want to run away from this all. Just give her the kids and move away literally back to my mothers home country. Between the money we would get to the house and my pension I would live like a millionaire there. 

Yes I know running away from my kids is not right. But the torment she is putting me through is just becoming unbearable for me. 

I am sucking it up to do what is right for my kids. I know they do not deserve to be with her, but I cannot fight her ATM.. Legal fees are just way too expensive. I just cannot afford the 30k each ( 60k total ) I would have to pay for her lawyer and mine. 

I'm just in a sh1tty situation ATM.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

H2H,

See yourself here?

An Overview of the Drama Triangle

I don't think your kids are better off with her & posOM.


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