# Apartment Weirdness



## carrot (Nov 15, 2010)

My husband of 10+ years asked for a divorce and then moved out. He moved into an apartment in town, but has refused to tell anyone where he is living. 

It has gotten to the point where it is just downright weird. The children are disturbed that they do not know where daddy is living and he does not seem to care that it bothers them. I think he feels that I am making up the problems that the children are having. You know, the good old "hysterical left woman" syndrome. Believe me, I am happy about the divorce... therapy has been very helpful!

I just don't know what do to or why he would withhold this information? Why would a stupid address be so important?


----------



## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

Carrot,

My first thought was that he is not trying to let you know what the address is so you won't come over and a) see what he is doing and b) try to wreck his new relationships. 

However, it's possible that he just wants solitude. Perhaps he feels that the apartment is the start of the "new life" that he wants and he does not a constant reminder of his old life popping up or having the ability to intrude upon his new life. What is his feeling on parenthood? I mean, does he love being a father or is he horribly burdened by it? Did he try to act like a "single guy" after he was married (ignoring the kids, trying to stay away from home, shirking his responsibility)? If so, then the apartment might be his way of being "free" and he is trying to protect that new freedom.


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Is he living with another woman or does he fear you will cause problems (show up at his door at all hours) if you know where he lives?

Sounds very strange...is he seeing your kids? If they are young, he may have them for weekend visits, etc. How does he plan on doing that and continue to be secretive?


----------



## carrot (Nov 15, 2010)

He has always been a fine father, at least until now. He takes them on Saturdays, though only for three or four hours. He claims that he wants to see them more and that I am keeping them from him, but then he only comes and takes them for a short period every Saturday when I place no limits on when he can take them or how long he can keep them. I carefully make HIM decide what his time with them will be.

I have not once screamed, yelled or in any way acted badly toward him in this divorce. In fact, everyone has told me they do not know how I have been so darn calm about the whole thing. (Frankly I do not know how I have been either!)

Family and friends have been batting the idea around since the start that he is seeing someone, since he moved out so quickly after telling me. He was gone within three weeks.

We have two children, 9 and 6. He says he wants them for overnights. It will never happen until I know where he lives, of course. But every time I ask where he is living or the kids ask him, there is either silence to me or the kids are told they will see it another weekend.

That is a good point about the solitude, I had not thought of that. But the same purpose could be served by telling us and then just asking us not to come around, right?


----------



## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

I threw the solitude thing out there because I felt like it was a possibility (midlife crisis or such) but make no mistake, I am leaning towards him having someone else as well. In fact, I would not be surprised if you eventually find out that he has been unfaithful. 

And no, the same purpose could not be served if he tells where he lives and not to come over. If he did that, you have the option to respect that request. If you don't know where he lives, you have no choice but the respect that request.


----------



## carrot (Nov 15, 2010)

I see your point, but since the only one who has been nasty in this divorce has been him, I don't see why he would think I would do anything to him...

He filed for divorce and is now dragging his feet. We were supposed to exchange financial affidavits months ago. He got mine, but we are still waiting on his. We had a mediated financial agreement and he has failed to live up to his end of it, and we will be heading to short calendar soon to get an enforceable court order since his word seems to be worth nothing.

I guess I am just confused as to why the need to hide this one small simple fact. It seems like the stupidest thing to hide. We live in a no-fault state, so it is not like anything that would be revealed can be used against him.


----------



## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I really see only 2 reasons for not telling you: 

1. He is hiding something (another woman, a drug habit, a drinking habit, something that you would have major problems with and knowing where he lives or being able to come to where he lives would allow you to figure it out)

2. He has no apartment. 

Is there any chance that he is not actually living somewhere? I know it sounds ridiculous, if he left and he wanted the divorce, that he would choose to leave and be homeless, but...it would explain why he won't tell you where he lives. 

I do know that if/when he files for divorce, he has to tell you where he lives. It has to be on the paperwork, and you'll need it in order to serve him.


----------



## carrot (Nov 15, 2010)

That is the weird part. Everything that I have seen from the courts has either had the home address where I am still living or a P.O. Box. It has become this Scooby Doo mystery where everyone knows that the caretaker did it, but no one is willing to say anything because it would ruin the plot.

I asked him if he was seeing someone when he asked for a divorce and he said no. 

The kids have asked him to see where he is living, but he just says "not this weekend."

I just find the whole thing bizarre. It is the simplest thing. He asked for overnight visitation. How can he expect to have that and yet refuse to even disclose an address? 

I guess I am just having trouble understanding. I feel like it is just one huge gaslight session and I cannot find my footing. I just do not know what to think. 

He is going around telling everyone that I am the one dragging this divorce out, that I am the one making it adversarial by not talking to him except through the attorneys. Any yet he has not once come to me and even asked to talk or tried to explain. Every conversation we have had has been a conversation that I have had to initiate and has ended with me feeling as if I should not have bothered since it seems like his reality and mine just will never be the same.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

"We were supposed to exchange financial affidavits months ago. He got mine, but we are still waiting on his." Interesting behavior for someone who initiated the divorce idea. I'm guessing his secrecy is about money. He's probably shacked up with someone and he suspects if their identify were revealed, you'd have grounds enough or would be angry enough to squeeze more money from him. Could be their identify would make it obvious to everyone that the relationship began while you and he were still cohabitating. Could be he's not releasing financial data cause he has no rent payment....cause he's shacking up with someone OR because his embarrassing address would appear on some of the documents. Of course, there's other possibilities. Could be the identify of the OW might jeapordize his job. I don't think he's hiding "where". I think he's hiding "who".


----------



## carrot (Nov 15, 2010)

I am thinking he has to be hiding someone or something. I mean, otherwise, it is just too messed up to play with kid's emotions like that. (Not that it isn't messed up anyway!) 

I just wish there were some way to speed up the process. I keep thinking that this divorce cannot happen without the inevitable disclosure, so why not just get it over with?

I am afraid we will wind up going before a judge at trial before we ever know what is happening, and even then I wonder if we will know.


----------



## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

Because of legality reasons I would just hire someone to tell you. Have him folllowed from his place of work.
It is possible he is in his "mancave". He could be with another woman or man even. Who knows! If you need to know its quite easy.


----------

