# Divorce vs. the truth?



## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

I wonder how many cheating spouses are adamant about not revealing their lies and betrayal to the point of divorcing?

My H divorced his second W, and to this day has never admitted to her his infidelity (even though she knew)..

He is now going to accept me divorcing him, sticking to his story that both his EA's were "just friends" and that there has never been any sexual tension or interest in them. It was like talking to "one of the guys".

I just don't understand the mentality,,, would they have to have a personality disorder?


----------



## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

I don't know but my husband is doing the same thing. He has admitted to dating (in writing), claims that my original divorce petition gave him the right to date. He is now living with the OW and her children even though we have yet to have our first court date since my original filing of the divorce petition. According to my H, the day I filed the divorce petition I gave up all my legal rights to him and he is free to do whatever he wants. He and his GF moved into a big new home in June and so far this month my house note has not been paid. 
I am waiting to hear from my attorney. According to Texas law, as I understand it, we are married until the Judge signs the final divorce decree. I spoke with my attorney's legal assistant yesterday. I asked her if filing a divorce petition meant that we were free to date? She said no. I then asked if my H is living with another woman at this point is that considered adultery? She said yes. I hope to hear from my attorney today.


----------



## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Could be a PD, or just about anything. More likely, he just wants to be seen as the "good guy" to everyone.


----------



## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

I hope you find out the info you need then. My H is not in contact with anyone else (that I know of).. but he has been out of house for 5 months, (in a hotel on his nights home), but he is now looking for apartments.

He will not let me be in limbo,, he wants to either be here at house to "try to work through things",, or he wants me to divorce him... said he's tired of the in between... I think the lack of sex is making him frustrated,,,


----------



## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Lone Star said:


> I don't know but my husband is doing the same thing. He has admitted to dating (in writing), claims that my original divorce petition gave him the right to date. He is now living with the OW and her children even though we have yet to have our first court date since my original filing of the divorce petition. According to my H, the day I filed the divorce petition I gave up all my legal rights to him and he is free to do whatever he wants. He and his GF moved into a big new home in June and so far this month my house note has not been paid.
> I am waiting to hear from my attorney. According to Texas law, as I understand it, we are married until the Judge signs the final divorce decree. I spoke with my attorney's legal assistant yesterday. I asked her if filing a divorce petition meant that we were free to date? She said no. I then asked if my H is living with another woman at this point is that considered adultery? She said yes. I hope to hear from my attorney today.


A person is not "single" while "separated" in the eyes of the law. Should a spouse die during a separation, the surviving spouse is still entitled to all the benefits as the widow/widower. Some of these men just don't seem to understand what "separated" means.

My WS placed some ads on dating sites, admitted to being separated and looking for a long term relationship. I sent copies to my lawyer. During the discovery process, his lawyer was entitled to see those copies. Suddenly, just like magic, those ads seemed to disappear from the web, but having those copies as evidence already is going to cost him in spousal support. Apparently he did not know that until his attorney advised him.

Unfortunately, it makes it difficult for me to move on as I am a position to know the law and fear doing anything that might jeopardize the benefits I am seeking. I really would like to start dating again, but now is certainly not the time.


----------



## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

I am going through that right now, actually. I think it's them trying to save face and yes, a personality disorder of sort.


----------



## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Honeystly said:


> I am going through that right now, actually. I think it's them trying to save face and yes, a personality disorder of sort.



I have suspected of my H being a Narcissist. He says his childhood has nothing to do with what he did. ( his father had like 18 affairs on his mother)... she always just forgave and stayed with him.. until he met "the one" then he just divorced and left her. (He divorced previous wife for me, he had told me they were separated, they weren't) ( I didn't know of his previous affairs on her though, until now) My H tries to say he never knew of his fathers affairs until now. He never wanted me to know his secret past.


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

It took years before my estranged husband would admit to his affairs. Even when I confronted him with a note card from the OW, e-mails from several women, empty condom boxes in his car, etc., he would deny anything was going on. Of course, he is a narcissist without a conscience. Perhaps that's why such people don't see the truth. They live in another realm of reality.


----------



## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Sorry I missed this. Yes! My WS did this to me. When the pressure really started getting on him, he told me things had gone too far between us and we were gonna have to divorce. He later vaguely admitted he would rather have continued to lie to me to save his reputation and divorce over having to fess up that he was a cheater. And yet, we're still in that place, just at a different level. He's admitted to some, but not all... Again, to save face.


----------



## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Oh, my WS saw infidelity in his home while growing up. Just saying...


----------



## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Are they maybe lying cause they think a confession will make it worse for a divorce? :scratchhead:


----------



## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

hurtingbadly said:


> Are they maybe lying cause they think a confession will make it worse for a divorce? :scratchhead:



On my H, I think it's the fact that his narcissism demands he be center of attention,, everyone is supposed to like and want to be around him... he loves the attention. Plus in the 30 years hes been graduated, he has only been unmarried 2 1/2 years of it,, I'm his 3rd marriage. His affairs and EA's are with ex's and people from the past, his comfort zone.

He does not want to be alone, and he doesn't want anyone to not like him.... so if he fesses up to me,, that gives more probability that he will be alone,,, and the more people may be upset at him. 

Plus , when the counselor asked him if he felt talking to these women was wrong,,, he said "NO",, the only thing he did wrong was hide it from me....??

He says that the only reason he hid it was that he never wanted me to know about his cheating past... he would of never told me...so if he went to great lengths to protect himself for our 11 years together...why would he tell me the truth about actually cheating on me?


----------



## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Numb in Ohio said:


> He does not want to be alone, and he doesn't want anyone to not like him.... so if he fesses up to me,, that gives more probability that he will be alone,,, and the more people may be upset at him.
> 
> Plus , when the counselor asked him if he felt talking to these women was wrong,,, he said "NO",, the only thing he did wrong was hide it from me....??


Same here.


----------



## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

On the one woman, he told me that talking to her was like talking to "one of the guys",, I told him hearing that makes me want to puke,,, cause there's no way you hide "just a friend",,if she was part of the past that you didn't want me to know about,, then why talk to her if just a friend you only knew briefly for only like a year?.... (says he never slept with her, she was sleeping with his ex hs gf, that he was having an affair with back then,,,, confusing huh? And him and her became such "great friends" during it all??:wtf:


----------



## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

most women file for divorce like 3/4 of the time the divorce is filed by the woman. Often times i find the man willing to accept it very often he is cheating. When men file for divorce its usually because they were cheated on or they cheated.


----------



## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Honestly, I think its silly but holds true. He has convinced himself that if he admits it, you will divorce. He understands how terrible it was and that he’d divorce you if you did that to him. 

Ok, now the second ‘more crazy’ part. It’s like a stupid test; He convinces himself that IF you’d divorce him over him refusing to tell you (a much lesser crime), that you MUST be the bad guy because you’d be willing to divorce over something as petty as refusing to do what you tell him (and he’ll be damned if he’d let you ‘control’ him like that). You’d be controlling, so the marriage wouldn’t have worked out anyway with you being so demanding and him treated like the help  . And it'd also just reinforce his belief that you would have divorced if he told (the greater crime), so its just as good that he didn't have to face that bullet. 

And if you cave in and rugsweep.... he hasn’t thought that through yet other than ‘that’d be a good thing’.


----------



## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

thunderstruck said:


> Could be a PD, or just about anything. More likely, he just wants to be seen as the "good guy" to everyone.













That goes around. But honestly doesn't everyone want to be the good guy?


----------



## Crazytown (Sep 27, 2010)

Racer said:


> Honestly, I think its silly but holds true. He has convinced himself that if he admits it, you will divorce. He understands how terrible it was and that he’d divorce you if you did that to him.
> 
> Ok, now the second ‘more crazy’ part. It’s like a stupid test; He convinces himself that IF you’d divorce him over him refusing to tell you (a much lesser crime), that you MUST be the bad guy because you’d be willing to divorce over something as petty as refusing to do what you tell him (and he’ll be damned if he’d let you ‘control’ him like that). You’d be controlling, so the marriage wouldn’t have worked out anyway with you being so demanding and him treated like the help  . And it'd also just reinforce his belief that you would have divorced if he told (the greater crime), so its just as good that he didn't have to face that bullet.
> 
> And if you cave in and rugsweep.... he hasn’t thought that through yet other than ‘that’d be a good thing’.


:iagree:


----------

