# Riddle Me This Batman(Left Wives Club Mainly)



## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

So wife and I talked for a few hours yesterday. We discussed our sitch and she mentioned again how much I hurt her in the early years. Aloof, apathetic, selfish, not there for her, etc. FF now and she holds all that against me STILL(ie emotional walls), BUT when separation/divorce comes up, she states that will "Really Hurt Her". What kind of boondoggle rubiks cube is this? Why is it hurting someone to leave them if you are the supposed hurter in the relationship. I was floored as it appears to leave no agreeable option. Is this common for Left wives to feel this hurt even if they know it was a bad M? How is it hurting you if YOU KNOW you are better off? 

DUDE


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Dude007 said:


> Aloof, apathetic, selfish, not there for her, etc.


Are you still like this? If not, does she acknowledge that you aren't?

Does she bitterly hold grudges against family members and friends like this often?

Those are just some questions that popped into my mind at first reading. 

As a man, I find that how women deal with emotions is illogical, I can't explain it any other way. If you know, deep in your heart, that she is better off without you, then it's logical (to me anyway) that the temporary 'hurt' she feels now is better than a lifetime of misery (and grudge holding). 

hmmm….I'm kinda rambling, so I'll end it at that, haha


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## Whenwillthepainend (Sep 1, 2015)

My hubby left me. He hurt me in the past. Him asking for a divorce has floored me even though we had been unhappy for a while. I wanted him to make up for the hurt he has caused me not call it a day. My friends tell me I will be better off in the long run as too much has happened but I would rather have had the chance for individual / marriage counselling rather than hubby say he's had enough and file for divorce.

So in answer to your question. In my case yes it's normal to feel hurt even though you know the marriage wasn't great. I did think mine was fixable though so maybe that's why it hurts me.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Dude007 said:


> So wife and I talked for a few hours yesterday. We discussed our sitch and she mentioned again how much I hurt her in the early years. Aloof, apathetic, selfish, not there for her, etc. FF now and she holds all that against me STILL(ie emotional walls), BUT when separation/divorce comes up, she states that will "Really Hurt Her". What kind of boondoggle rubiks cube is this? Why is it hurting someone to leave them if you are the supposed hurter in the relationship. I was floored as it appears to leave no agreeable option. Is this common for Left wives to feel this hurt even if they know it was a bad M? How is it hurting you if YOU KNOW you are better off?
> 
> DUDE


It sounds like you both are quite skilled at emotional terrorism.

If you were a crappy husband and took accountability for that, did whatever you could to try to improve it and help her through it, and she can't get over it, then that's the problem.

If you haven't been crappy for a long time and now she is, then you have to get her to decide if she can get over it or not.

And if you can't stop being crappy or she can't get over it even with your help, then you pull the pin.

Put the problem where the problem is.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

OnTheFly said:


> Are you still like this? If not, does she acknowledge that you aren't?
> 
> Does she bitterly hold grudges against family members and friends like this often?
> 
> ...


Hell no I'm not like that now!! That was more than ten years ago at the latest. She only holds grudges against me. I know it sounds crazy but I'm the only one she EVER got mad at. The clinical displacement was rampant. DUDE


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

marduk said:


> It sounds like you both are quite skilled at emotional terrorism.
> 
> If you were a crappy husband and took accountability for that, did whatever you could to try to improve it and help her through it, and she can't get over it, then that's the problem.
> 
> ...


Yep Skilled at it..But no, I haven't done anything mean or neglectful in ten plus years. I think you hit the nail with "she can't get over it"

DUDE


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Dude007 said:


> Yep Skilled at it..But no, I haven't done anything mean or neglectful in ten plus years. I think you hit the nail with "she can't get over it"
> 
> DUDE


Does she say why?

Is she willing to work at it?

Or is it that she felt out of control, and is now the one that has taken control -- because you can't leave (it will hurt me!) and you can't stay (because you hurt me!)

Power is a funny thing, and difficult to let go of.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Whenwillthepainend said:


> My hubby left me. He hurt me in the past. Him asking for a divorce has floored me even though we had been unhappy for a while. I wanted him to make up for the hurt he has caused me not call it a day.


So is there something like this in your relationship? Is there some mysterious thing she expects you to do to "make it up" to her? Grudge holding is a very addictive hobby. Perhaps the loss of the opportunity to hold your past behavior over you is what would hurt her.

BTW 261 days to freedom.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

She wants to keep you around to make your life miserable as punishment. To even the score. And if you don't stick around to take it the way she did she feels cheated out of her due. 

Honestly most women will not change no matter what you do until you leave them. Then suddenly they're willing. Just how it is.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

I agree w both of you. This appears to be some sort of payback. The only strange thing is she has sex w me pretty much on demand. Why do that if u want to toture me?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

You have to keep the fish on the line with some sort of bait.
MN


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> She wants to keep you around to make your life miserable as punishment. To even the score. And if you don't stick around to take it the way she did she feels cheated out of her due.
> 
> Honestly most women will not change no matter what you do until you leave them. Then suddenly they're willing. Just how it is.


Huh? This applies to men too!

I can understand her hurt, we women are emotional beings not logical beings, just the way we are wired. You treated her badly, she responded in kind, now you want to leave her, which just compounds the treating her badly. 
Most women want a grand gesture, a grand display of remorse, but most guys are either too jaded, too thick or just too selfish to go down that road and once they have their plan and logic, they proceed, no emotions.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

It is not that we are unwilling to offer a grand gesture. It's that we have no Idea what that Grand gesture is, or looks like. I would submit that none of the participants in the situations above (Dude, Wife of Dude, When will the pain end and ex husband of When will the pain end) could explain to us what the Required Grand Gesture to display the remorse is and looks like.

In fact I challenge anyone to come up with a gesture that will keep Mrs Dude happy for more than a year.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

aine said:


> Most women want a grand gesture, a grand display of remorse, but most guys are either too jaded, too thick or just too selfish to go down that road and once they have their plan and logic, they proceed, no emotions.


This may be true, but as I look into my crystal ball, I see Dude attempting grand gesture after grand gesture and Wife of Dude presenting a 'thumbs down' like Caesar to the gladiators in the coliseum. If, after ten years of being treated well, she still harbours such a deep grudge, it may be unfixable. 

Sorry if it's been mentioned, but any marriage counselling/coaching?


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

OnTheFly said:


> This may be true, but as I look into my crystal ball, I see Dude attempting grand gesture after grand gesture and Wife of Dude presenting a 'thumbs down' like Caesar to the gladiators in the coliseum. If, after ten years of being treated well, she still harbours such a deep grudge, it may be unfixable.
> 
> Sorry if it's been mentioned, but any marriage counselling/coaching?


MC today and we've been in it for 12 weeks on a weekly basis. Thanks for the response. Dude


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Dude the fact that you are even talking about is a positive sign. At this point it is up to her to decide if she can or can't get over or past her resentment towards things you did in the past. You can't change the past. Those things happened. You say you have expressed remorse and made changes. Now it is up to her to get over it. If she can't then it will be up to you to decide whether to accept it or not. Both of you deserve to be happy or at least the opportunity to be happy. If she can't resolve her issues and you can't accept her not resolving her issue than you have to decide what it best for you.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Y - I'm with you all the way. I think that's where it will lie until I prep for an exit.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

" What kind of boondoggle rubiks cube is this? "

lmao....sorry to go off topic Dude.

But this made me spit my drink out laughing.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Dude007 said:


> Yep Skilled at it..But no, I haven't done anything mean or neglectful in ten plus years. I think you hit the nail with "she can't get over it"
> 
> DUDE


Have you sincerely apologized for your behavior back then? Or did you just stop doing it? 

If you haven't apologized then I think it's a good idea to do so then the next time she brings it up say, "I've already apologized for my behavior, it's time to move forward."


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Dude007 said:


> I agree w both of you. This appears to be some sort of payback. The only strange thing is she has sex w me pretty much on demand. Why do that if u want to toture me?


I can answer that...because she would be hurting herself more. She loves sex with you. 

Silly men...think they are the only ones that want sex all the time...>


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Yes, I've apologized and made amends. As far as I'm concerned, I the marriage is what it is at this point so some things have to fall in place for an exit. The MC, while a beatdown, has really gone well in aiding me to further understand myself. And BTW she gives a rats a$$ about sex, trust me. DUDE


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Zanne said:


> It's more martyrdom on her part, Dude. IMO. She's blameless.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Dude007 said:


> So wife and I talked for a few hours yesterday. We discussed our sitch and she mentioned again how much I hurt her in the early years. Aloof, apathetic, selfish, not there for her, etc. FF now and she holds all that against me STILL(ie emotional walls), BUT when separation/divorce comes up, she states that will "Really Hurt Her". What kind of boondoggle rubiks cube is this? Why is it hurting someone to leave them if you are the supposed hurter in the relationship. I was floored as it appears to leave no agreeable option. Is this common for Left wives to feel this hurt even if they know it was a bad M? *How is it hurting you if YOU KNOW you are better off? *
> 
> DUDE


Because it is still a rejection and rejection hurts and takes time to heal. I was just talking to my counselor about this on Tuesday.

I do not miss my ex, but I'm still hurting because I was rejected and because there's no longer any hope for an intact family for us.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Is the hurt not there to allow you to heal? ie the hurt isn't necessarily bad per se? right? DUDE


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

Dude- I'm in the same boat to be fair to my SO the amount of time since I was 'mean' is not nearly as long as yours. Someone else pointed out the logic in men and I sincerely ask her 'why stay with someone you think caused so much pain?'....I get and accept the 'emotional creature' argument but do I approach that with option 1: work to overcome and perform grand gestures until it's clear she will or won't get over it and then determine next steps or option 2: 'man up' and apply my logic to what I believe may be the benefit of both of us even if she can't because she is emotional....if you love someone as much as you claim, is it better to stay and possibly continue the hurt memories or leave and allow them to move on?....good luck Dude, would love to know how it turns out...I'm pursuing option 1 for now....


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Maybe the reason she holds grudges against you but not others is because you're the most important and have more ability to hurt her. 

Sometimes people aren't able to get past hurts. Poor treatment destroys trust and not everyone gets over it. Perhaps this is your wife. 

Men seem to have no trouble understanding this where sex is concerned. .... wife neglects hubby sexually, he detaches and no longer finds her attractive, she wakes up and tries to do better but he can't rediscover attraction. TAM men seem to have no trouble understanding this, yet by the logic of some it's completely illogical if your wife is now putting out.

There's not always logic to hurt. But I will say that it's not healthy to remain with her walking around po'd. She needs to find some way to make peace and let it go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

I don't like this boat!!! ha I don't know your age, but I'm up against the clock as well. I dont know how long my looks/heath will hold up plus of course sexual viability. I'm still in pretty good shape and maybe a 7.5 on a 10 point scale, but when you are in your 40s you go downhill quick.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I'm basically going through the same thing, that I supposedly did all kinds of wrong, bad things in the past but when I ask for more detail about what those things are (since I don't know) I get that should be obvious. One of the main things is that she accuses me of is making her leave her family when she was the one who got me fired (long story) and made the family move far away so I could get a job. We struggled with all sorts of money problems and I know she thinks that "hurt" her because she likes to spend. We also never mention divorce because that's supposedly "bad" to so I don't know where to go with this either.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

How old are you?


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