# Newly Diagnosed but Always Known BPD



## Intellectual (Mar 5, 2014)

Ok Im not really sure where to start here. My wife and I just hit our 2 year anniversary and have been on and off before we got married for about 5 years. Weve been together completely since Apr 2011.

Before me my wife never really had actual relationships. She would mostly just sleep with a guy and that was it. Since her and I got together sex has always been....vacant for the most part. When we started dating we didnt have sex for quite some time. I later found out that the night we went on our first night she went and slept with a guy because she had "already planned to". 

So since sex and almost any affection or emotional connection from her was almost always not apparent. I began a series of online relationships throughout the course of her and I being together. All of which she found out about of course. 

Once we became married I stopped. Because I wanted to commit to he completely. My wife has always been a drinker and Ive noticed but never really thought it was an issue. She picked it up more heavily after the birth of our second child. 

She went to rehab for it and for her being raped as a child and being emotionally tortured by her mother for 15 years. While there for about a week once she went to where they treat you for emotional trauma she expressed to me that her sexual urges which the doctor said that she had "Interpersonal Sexual Urges", were getting out of control and hard for her to handle. While there she developed a connection and then a crush on one of the female patients. She made out with this person. She called me later that day and told me and then wanted to talk about being in an open relationship to which I immediately said no. She called me closed minded and we fought about it almost the remainder of her stay. She left home Dec 9th and returned Feb 26th. I was home with our kids waiting on her and this is what happens. She doesnt view it as cheating because it is another woman. She also feels that there is no one person who you belong with and if you find someone of the same sex you should be able to have sex with them.

On our daughters birthday she approached me with the idea of having a threesome which ofcourse as a guy I agreed to it at first. On the drive home I realized it was more for her wanting to have sex with else. IE this other woman. I was infuriated. I called her the next day and told her that if she couldnt have sex with me and me alone and be happy with that and if sex with someone else was something she really wanted then Id grant her my blessing but I wanted a divorce if that was her choice. She said that she didnt want a divorce so that was the end of it for the time being.

She said that she wants a more full sex life with me. And upon her return she doenst want me to masturbate nor does she want me looking at porn. She wants me to either wait till shes in the mood or ask. Which when I asked before she went to rehab all I was met with was rejection. She even ridiculed me for wanting to have sex a few times a week. Weve had sex once since shes been back which even then I was scared to do. Before she left her and I got into it and she said that "90% of the time she does want to have sex just not with me". I expressed to her that I really dont think she likes having sex with me because all shes expressed is the desire for someone else. 

She claims she doesnt know what she wants. She says she loves me but shes not in love with me right now. She wants to make sure she married me because she loves me and not for the kids. Theres so much I want to express to her but Im afraid to. I want to stop wanting her so much so she'll be happier. Ive even done as much as to look for medication to lower my labido but all I found were pills for chemical castration which for a moment I actually considered.d

Since shes been back shes been diagnoased with PTSD, BPD and Alcohol Dependency. I really dont know what to do anymore. Im with someone who I want and love so much. Shes always in my thoughts. And my desire for her adds up day to day especially with what she wears around the house most of the time. I need some advice. Im at whits end.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Are you in therapy for yourself? If not that would be my suggestion for you. You can't change her no matter how much you want to. You do need to take care of you though. You are with someone who has issues and those issues have effected you, more than you probably even know. You will need coping skills and learning new ways of doing things while living with someone with PTSD, BPD and Alcoholism!


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Intellectual said:


> Shes been diagnosed with PTSD, BPD and Alcohol Dependency. I really dont know what to do anymore. ...I need some advice.


Intellectual, welcome to the TAM forum. I'm so sorry you're here under such painful circumstances. Like you, I was married to a BPDer -- for 15 years in my case. Based on my experience, I offer the following advice.

*As an initial matter,* given that you may stay with her a while, I suggest you get _Stop Walking on Eggshells_, the best-selling BPD book targeted to abused spouses like you. If you later decide to get a divorce, also read _Splitting: Protecting Yourself while Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder._ Both books are written by the same author.

*Second,* I suggest you start participating (or at least lurking) at BPDfamily.com -- the largest and most active BPD forum I've found that is devoted fully to the spouses and family members of BPDers. This issue is such an enormous problem that that website is growing by 20 new members every day. The result is that it offers eight separate message boards on various BPD issues. The ones that likely will be most helpful to you are the "_Staying"_ board, _"Leaving"_ board, and _"Parenting after the Split"_ board.

*Third,* I suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain candid professional advice on how to proceed in a way that best protects you and your children. 

*Fourth*, please don't forget those of us on this TAM forum. We want to keep trying to answer your questions and providing emotional support as long as you find our shared experiences helpful. Moreover, by sharing your own experiences here, you likely are helping many other members and lurkers. Your thread has already attracted nearly 300 views in just two days.

*Finally,* while you are at BPDfamily.com, I suggest you read the excellent articles in their resources section. My favorite is #9 at T9 Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - Columbia University, New York. I also recommend you read about my experiences of living with a BPDer at my post in Maybe's Thread. 

If that post rings some bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Others will do so too. There are at least a dozen frequent contributors to this forum who have extensive experience living with a BPDer. And there are many active contributors who, having BPD themselves, are able to provide great insights on this issue. Take care, Intellectual.


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## mikealone (Nov 26, 2008)

My advice you need therapy too.

Make yourself knowledgeable of the abuse that you are under:

gaslighting
withholding sex and affection
constant criticism
double binds
affairs
smear campaigns
hoovering
zero or little empathy
parental alienation
dishonesty


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