# Not sure what to do



## am0861 (Oct 23, 2017)

My wife and I have been married for 7 years and together for 10. The first 3 years were amazing but after we married things started going south. We have reached a point now where she has become indifferent to me, barely speaks to me except to criticize me or logistical texts. No sex, no casual touching, she won't even let me see her without clothes on. We either sleep to the edges of the mattress away from each other or I sleep on the couch or in the spare bedroom. The "I love you's" are gone.

We invested enormous amounts of money in home improvements, which created a lot of debt and financial stress. We both have good jobs but the monthly child support and debt payments make life difficult. Fewer to no getaways, eating out, etc. I have two younger (12 and 15) children from a previous marriage who are a handful(their mom is the custodial parent). She has an older child in his 20s who lives with us. My kids can do no right and she degrades them constantly over every little thing when she's around them, while her child can do no wrong. She continues to do it regardless of my objection to the way she "disciplines" them. She cares more about being right about raising kids rather then me.

Over the years since our marriage, the financial stress, the stress from the blended family and the lack of sex led me to drink more often becoming moody, look at porn and fall into or taking on activities that she didn't want to part of just so I could escape the situation. I stopped doing any work around the house. I traveled for work as often as I could. Eventually, I couldn't take the relationship the way it was...I became distant and angry, I just wanted a divorce, but I offered to do counseling...it was awful. She was defensive and combative...she blames me for everything and can't accept that she played a role in out marriage's decline. So we stopped going. And I had to come to a decision...could I live with out her and ask for a divorce. I came to the conclusion that I needed her in my life. I loved her.

Of course, the damage was done...she never looked at me the same. No matter what I did it was never enough or wrong...my kids were hell-spawn. When sex happened it was awful, no passion, no kissing...intercourse...nothing else. Then headaches, her period, back aches...every time I wanted to have sex. So I just gave up trying to have sex with her. And of course I fell back into my avoidance...drinking, porn, other distractions, work...anything not to think about it.

Recently I've cut way back on drinking from several drinks everyday to a few drinks a week...at dinner, weekends, etc. Mostly so I stopped feeling so physically drained and moody. Unfortunately at the same time I stopped drinking, she declared...she is thinking about divorce...she's looking at ways to settle our finances. She can't take our marriage and it's because of me and my kids...she won't talk about it in detail and has become so indifferent speaking is painful. She says she has a right to be angry and things will continue like this until she decides otherwise.

When I bring up counseling...she says "sure" you go, you're the one who needs it. And then she left for the weekend not telling me where she was going. (cheating?)

Since quitting the alcohol and other distractions I've felt more energetic, I'm doing more things around the house...but she just says I'm only doing it because she's mad at me. Which is what she claims is also the reason I cut back on drinking. She doesn't believe in me...though I agree the timing is while coincidental, damning.

So here I am...from what I read out there...I should do nothing about her indifference and not try and force her...but it's causing me such anxiety. Like waiting to be laid off from a failing company. I just wish we could make a choice one way or the other.

I know I shoulder a large portion of the blame, but not all. I have tried to heal the situation, but it seems when I do it's been too late. Not sure what to do...Do nothing? Keep working to improve the changes in myself and around the house despite the fact she thinks it's an act? She won't talk about it. She won't go to counseling, so just have the balls to say it's over and let's divorce?


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

am0861 said:


> My wife and I have been married for 7 years and together for 10. The first 3 years were amazing but after we married things started going south. We have reached a point now where she has become indifferent to me, barely speaks to me except to criticize me or logistical texts. No sex, no casual touching, she won't even let me see her without clothes on. We either sleep to the edges of the mattress away from each other or I sleep on the couch or in the spare bedroom. The "I love you's" are gone.


Did she 'need' to get married due to finances ( hers )?

Seems that she got what she wanted and dropped the act.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

What a mess. 

Unless the two of you can learn to communicate well with each other, this is beyond hopeless. For a million reasons.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

There's a lot of difficult issues in this relationship that would need to get fixed. It sounds like she's emotionally checked out, and is a rude person on top of it. I don't see how you can turn this around on your own. She would need to do a lot of the heavy lifting herself, and it doesn't seem like that's going to happen. Although there's always a chance things could get better, the likely outcome is that things continue to decline. 



am0861 said:


> She won't go to counseling, so just have the balls to say it's over and let's divorce?


Yep.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Sorry pal, you guys are done.......Nothing to save here.......


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Why are you even questioning what you should do next. Just get a divorce. Let the court decide who get/pays what. If you both have good jobs, you probably won't have any alimony to worry about. And if you are already paying child support to someone else, I doubt you would have to pay any anyways. The minor children are yours, so no child support there. As far as the other debt goes, I am sure a good attorney would tell her if she wants the house, she can take the debt that goes with it. As for any other debt, it would have to paid regardless. So choose peace of mind over piece of gold or piece of ass (especially since you aren't getting that anyways)


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## am0861 (Oct 23, 2017)

I question because things don't feel clear. I'm having a hard time trusting my instincts. Like her taking off for four days to be by herself. Maybe it's just that, but then I start adding in her not telling me where she's going, working late a lot over the past few months, constant texting to someone she claims is just her girlfriend, or that her planning that trip coincided with her saying she is considering a divorce. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, sometimes it isn't. Or maybe after all I went through I just didn't want it to be the case.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

am0861 said:


> I question because things don't feel clear. I'm having a hard time trusting my instincts. Like her taking off for four days to be by herself. Maybe it's just that, but then I start adding in her not telling me where she's going, working late a lot over the past few months, constant texting to someone she claims is just her girlfriend, or that her planning that trip coincided with her saying she is considering a divorce. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, *sometimes it isn't*. Or maybe after all I went through I just didn't want it to be the case.


So many red flags.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

there is enough doubt, not just by her actions but more importantly by her behavior with your children that you need to get out of this marriage. This is clearly not a good situation for your kids....sell the house split the proceeds (if you have a pre-nup, go with that) but you need to move away from her...she is toxic...your relationship is toxic.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

am0861 said:


> I question because things don't feel clear. I'm having a hard time trusting my instincts. Like her taking off for four days to be by herself. Maybe it's just that, but then I start adding in her not telling me where she's going, working late a lot over the past few months, constant texting to someone she claims is just her girlfriend, or that her planning that trip coincided with her saying she is considering a divorce. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, sometimes it isn't. Or maybe after all I went through I just didn't want it to be the case.


If you need more clarity, you can always do the VAR/GPS tracker, etc. route -- I'm sure someone here will post the evidence gathering post reference....


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## Cormano (Aug 22, 2017)

Betrayedone said:


> Sorry pal, you guys are done.......Nothing to save here.......


I echo this, move along.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

To reconnect, both of you have to work on your marriage. That's not the situation you have. Let her go.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

I feel sorry for you. I would probably ask a moderator to move this thread to the Coping with Infedelity section. It looks like you have a cheating partner on your hands.


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