# Am I out of order?



## Deano89

A year ago I left the mother of my children of 13 years, as I felt we had grown to be totally different people over the years. We had nothing in common anymore and would mostly argue and be in moods with eachother all the time.

Enough was enough and I packed my things and left. She didn't want to end things but I stuck to my guns as I felt it was the right thing to do.

Being away from her made me realize how much I did actually love her and felt like leaving was a mistake.

About 3 months later I spoke to her about my feelings, but she said it was now complicated as she had met someone else, but did say she misses me and would meet to hear me out.

We have since gotten back together and things have gone smoothly. We vowed to do more things as a family, and to make more of an effort with eachother.

I found out she had on several occasions been intimate with this other person in our family home, including our bed, and I'm having a really hard time accepting it.

Now I know looking at this logically I can't accuse her of anything as we weren't together and it was me that left her, but my mind keeps looking at it like I've been cheated on, In my own bed that I am now lying in writing this.

We have spoken about it and she says she wishes it didn't happen and was only trying to move on to help with the pain of the split.

I feel if I now go and sleep with someone it will even the score in my head so to speak (I know it's a horrible phrase to use in this context) and I can just move forward and enjoy being with her. Then there is the other part of me telling me how ridiculous and selfish I would be to do that.

I'm a really big over thinker and it is torturing my brain at times, and it sometimes puts a blocker on me being a loving partner. Am I just an overly jealous person?

I could really use some advice on the matter. Hopefully a suggestion from someone might be the very thing that helps, because I feel like I've ran out of ideas.

Thanks.


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## Marc878

Sorry but you made your bed. Time to lay in it. 
It’s probably just nostalgia which will pass.


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## Bluesclues

Yes, you are out of order. She didn’t cheat, you dumped her. If you had slept with someone else after you broke up and she didn’t, I doubt you would think it would make things even-Steven if she banged someone else after you got back together. Your feelings of jealousy are normal. Your solution is not. YOU DUMPED HER. Threw her away - now you want to cheat on her on top of that? This is a YOU problem.

It sounds like you have retroactive jealousy. There are other men on this site who have experienced retroactive jealousy for decades over men who were with their spouses before they ever even met them. They know logically it doesn’t make sense, but they can’t get past it. Hopefully some of them will see this and chime in. I would suggest you buy a new bed and get into therapy. If you continue to feel like your only way to proceed is to be with someone else also, then break up again - don’t cheat!


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## ThatDarnGuy!

You packed your bags and left your wife of 13 years. She found someone new and had sex with them. And now you are holding this over her??? Sorry, but I feel you are way out of line to have these thoughts.


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## Lostinthought61

Dean, you played your cards when you left her, you decided to leave her, not the other way around, in that time you coudl have met someone else but you didn't that is on you, instead you spent it doing what ever, but if you expected her to stop living, if you expected her to put her life on pause while you figure out that you still loved her then you F'd up and this is all on you....guess what you are replaceable, guess what her life did not end when you left ....you left with the expectation that you were done with this marraige so this is completely and utterly on you and you either suck it up and accept that you are replaceable or you move on....could you be any more shallow.


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## Openminded

Too late.


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## frusdil

Yes you are out of line. Like, way WAY out. All the way over there out.

You dumped your wife of more than a decade, then realised "oops I done stuffed up" and she took you back. Now you want to punish her for what she did while you were apart, after YOU DUMPED HER? Are you for real?

You're lucky she took you back at all. Many women would have told you to go and pound sand.


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## Beach123

You left.
Solve the issue - get a new bed and get rid of the old one. Buy a different house, if needed.
You don’t sleep with someone else - using someone that way is cruel!

get professional help to deal with your resentment that you created by leaving!


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## DownByTheRiver

And just remember that she can move on if need be.


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## Diana7

The worst thing you could do is cheat on her. Unless you want to blow your family up.


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## D0nnivain

Assuming moving is out of the question, at the very least I would invest in new furniture. If that is too much, take everything out, paint the room & rearrange the furniture so it's different, "new" and solely yours again as much as that is possible.


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## ShatteredKat

*Deano89*

You don't give much info on why you found yourself @ 13 years dissatisfied enough to leave your family.
Why?
What has changed? Did you find out that the women available are going to require the same or more work
to become a friend - enough to start a relationship? So you revert back to that which is familiar - "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" sort of thing?

Friends and Family - what is their take on your actions? What did you do with yourself while "gone?" 

How is it you didn't know she was making another opposite sex friend? 

Your feelings of jealousy or whatever you are feeling are normal. But you left her - she thought you were "gone for good?" Yes? No?

How did she react to your exit the family? How did your kids (what are they?) react to "Dad leaving Mom?"
How do they react to you now?

From what you post - seems you "took a drive into Death Valley with a 1/4 tank of gas and a quart of water."
Even in Winter - such a trip is a fools errand.

At the least - get a new mattress - or even a new bedroom set. Have her pick out what to get.

FWIW - you have forever damaged the trust she has in you. What happens next time life "gets hard" and you start thinking you deserve different? What are you doing to convince her that you are really and will continuously work on figuring out your internal conflicts?

Getting on to your wife (ex at the time - you just didn't make it legal) - talk though your thoughts and beware that she
had (by rights, morally) to not be faithful to a man (Husband) who left the family. (leaving the sex outside of marriage for others to argue over)

Know that NORMALLY HEALTHY WOMEN get just as horny as men - just that they mostly tend to be a little less blunt regarding their desire to experience orgasms from heterosexual activities. Did you think she would be forever celebate after you left?

You have a lot of things to sort out regarding yourself.

Have you started?


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## Dictum Veritas

The safe rule of thumb. Once you have been in a relationship with a woman and she's been with another man after the fact for any reason whatsoever it is the wise course of action to cut her out of your life completely.


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## Luckylucky

Hey buddy this sounds sad 😞 

And you speak of her fondly. It sounds like it was really painful for her when you left, and I’m really happy to hear that things are getting better for you both. It sounds like there’s a lot of love there on both sides, and I hope things keep going. I guess without much detail, it sounds like a good base to work with. It’s also great to see that you’re not blaming her and she’s not blaming you. Sounds altogether healthy so tar

It must be hard to deal with the jealousy… that’s going to ease with time. Ahh time!

May we ask if there was any other reason that led to you leaving, like infidelity or drugs/alcohol, other additions or issues?

It’s ok to leave and come back and have negative emotions etc if you’re both on the same page, as I said it sounds like hurt and pain and mistakes were made on both ends. I’m sure she’s got some residual pain and jealousy and fears too? All normal. Work together hey?


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## In Absentia

Go and see a therapist to sort your head out. You are not making much sense.


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## Laurentium

Deano89 said:


> I could really use some advice on the matter.


Okay, here's my advice.



> Am I just an overly jealous person?


You can't help that. It's a human reaction. All you can do is work with it. It's not "out of order" to feel what you are feeling.



> I feel if I now go and sleep with someone it will even the score in my head so to speak


That would be a disaster. If the relationship is currently saveable, this would do probably irreparable damage to it.
Also, it is likely to do harm, one way or another, to the "someone" that you use in this way. They are also a person. That would be out of order.

My advice would be, ideally, find a specialist couple counsellor who can talk the two of you through this.
The conversation needs careful management, to ensure she doesn't feel wrongly accused.


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## Laurentium

Dictum Veritas said:


> The safe rule of thumb. Once you have been in a relationship with a woman and she's been with another man after the fact for any reason whatsoever it is the wise course of action to cut her out of your life completely.


There's something to that, but the presence of children is also a factor.


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## snowbum

You so screwed up. Your wife didn’t cheat. If you need to cheat walk away.


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## Deano89

Hi all,

Thanks for all the replies, I appreciate them all, good and bad, it's all good food for thought.

I am definitely in the wrong about everything, but procrastination is my downfall, there is something not wired right in my head which makes me think this way.

I'm going to have to wait until I finish work to reply properly on the computer as it's a lot of typing for the phone.

Thanks all.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Dictum Veritas said:


> The safe rule of thumb. Once you have been in a relationship with a woman and she's been with another man after the fact for any reason whatsoever it is the wise course of action to cut her out of your life completely.


On the other hand nit always, if single. When I was single I had a group of fwbs (before it was a term, I suppose!) that we had hot flings, and afterwards time to time I'd get a call or I'd call them for another day or two of clubbing and sex With complete fore knowledge it was never going to be ongoing. That actually was a open sex in any way imaginable period because it was temporary. 

But if older and in more serious context I do agree. .


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## EB123

She needs to move on sounds like to me.


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## TexasMom1216

If the roles were reversed, and she had left, and you had slept with someone else, would you be ok if she slept with someone to "even the score"?


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## Anastasia6

If you feel the need to even the score then you aren't in love and you shouldn't reconcile. Just go ahead and divorce.

She didn't cheat. But either way you going out and purposefully damaging your relationship will not make you or her feel better. It will further create a division in your relationship. So if you want to reconcile you need to see a therapist about your feelings to resolve them without cheating. If you feel you must cheat then you should just divorce without cheating. Cheating does so much damage. She will still be the mother of your children and there is no reason to purposefully inflict that kind of damage on her. Just divorce. You left, she found another not anything like what you are proposing.

You hurt her enough when you left, now you want to hurt her more. You don't really love her. Please divorce.

ETA: My guess isn't that you discovered how much you love her but you found your options limited and decided she was better than what you could find.


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## ShatteredKat

Dictum Veritas said:


> The safe rule of thumb. Once you have been in a relationship with a woman and she's been with another man after the fact for any reason whatsoever it is the wise course of action to cut her out of your life completely.


Ya - "Safe rule of thumb" 

However - it is possible to have a life together afterward but both have a ton of work to do on yourselves.

Walking a different path going into the future is, I think, easier than trying to work out issues with each other.

But then, if you don't work on YOUR issues, what have you really accomplished?

I am probably reading something into your post - but seems to me you need work on yourself to be a good partner for a woman.

Can you really "cut her out?" - since you have children?


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## DownByTheRiver

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> On the other hand nit always, if single. When I was single I had a group of fwbs (before it was a term, I suppose!) that we had hot flings, and afterwards time to time I'd get a call or I'd call them for another day or two of clubbing and sex With complete fore knowledge it was never going to be ongoing. That actually was a open sex in any way imaginable period because it was temporary.
> 
> But if older and in more serious context I do agree. .


Hard to believe how possessive people are now, while at the same time being hypocritical.


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## DownByTheRiver

ShatteredKat said:


> Ya - "Safe rule of thumb"
> 
> However - it is possible to have a life together afterward but both have a ton of work to do on yourselves.
> 
> Walking a different path going into the future is, I think, easier than trying to work out issues with each other.
> 
> But then, if you don't work on YOUR issues, what have you really accomplished?
> 
> I am probably reading something into your post - but seems to me you need work on yourself to be a good partner for a woman.
> 
> Can you really "cut her out?" - since you have children?


She didn't do anything wrong. She moved on after her husband left her, period. She has no work to do. He needs to see a therapist, and I agree he doesn't love her enough to not want to hurt her because he's done it at least once bigtime and is wanting to do it again. She is the healthier of the two. He has no leg to stand on.


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## Blondilocks

OK, I'll ask: did you have sex with anyone while you were moved out?



Dictum Veritas said:


> The safe rule of thumb. Once you have been in a relationship with a woman and she's been with another man after the fact for any reason whatsoever it is the wise course of action to cut her out of your life completely.


The safe rule of thumb for a woman is once your man packs his bags and leaves you and the children for any reason whatsover, it is the wise course of action to tell him to pound sand when he realizes he's having to wash his own **** stains out of his shorts and wants to come home. Screw that.


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## TexasMom1216

I also agree that he had no epiphany. He thought it would 24/7 porn stars and orgies and found the reality different and now wants his old life back. She, as a whole, doesn’t matter to him.


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## Zedd

Deano89 said:


> I found out she had on several occasions been intimate with this other person in our family home, including our bed, and I'm having a really hard time accepting it.


No, she had been intimate in her home. You'd left. It wasn't your home at that point. You didn't have a family home.

Get over it.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Blondilocks said:


> OK, I'll ask: did you have sex with anyone while you were moved out?
> 
> 
> 
> The safe rule of thumb for a woman is once your man packs his bags and leaves you and the children for any reason whatsover, it is the wise course of action to tell him to pound sand when he realizes he's having to wash his own **** stains out of his shorts and wants to come home. Screw that.


Very true.
Now on washing one's own shorts, most always I paid for a laundry service. Clothes come back folded in neat stacks and pressed nicely.


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## RebuildingMe

She didn’t do anything wrong, but likely, you’re not going to get over this with some paint and a new mattress. You were out of the house, out of your marriage (by your choice) for months and didn’t get laid? That’s your cross to bear, brother.


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## Dictum Veritas

Blondilocks said:


> The safe rule of thumb for a woman is once your man packs his bags and leaves you and the children for any reason whatsover, it is the wise course of action to tell him to pound sand when he realizes he's having to wash his own **** stains out of his shorts and wants to come home. Screw that.


If she were the OP, I would have advised similarly.

I also still stand by my rule of thumb.


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## RebuildingMe

Also, she seemed to replace you rather quickly, apparently using a guy as a stop gap and dumped him and took you back. How do you know she’s still not talking to him? I think you both have a lot to unpack here.


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## frusdil

Anastasia6 said:


> *If you feel the need to even the score then you aren't in love* and you shouldn't reconcile. Just go ahead and divorce.


Couldn't have put it better myself.



Anastasia6 said:


> ETA: My guess isn't that you discovered how much you love her but you found your options limited and decided she was better than what you could find.


Yes, either this, or he realised he wasn't her only option when she wasn't sitting around pining for him and tried to move on.


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## thissucks7788

So you left her and broke her heart after all of those years of marriage. She moved on and found someone else-- was generous enough to take your sorry butt back and now you are thinking of cheating to "even the score?" You can't make this stuff up. Get a grip!


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## ytho

thissucks7788 said:


> So you left her and broke her heart after all of those years of marriage. She moved on and found someone else-- was generous enough to take your sorry butt back and now you are thinking of cheating to "even the score?" You can't make this stuff up. Get a grip!


Pretty much this. I don't understand how some people come up with the crap they do. Dude abandoned his family, is lucky enough she is willing to take him back, and instead of thanking whatever higher power for his extreme blessing, is thinking like this?! 

His wife needs to run while she still has the chance to do so before this guy breaks her further.


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## Sfort

Bluesclues said:


> It sounds like you have retroactive jealousy. There are other men on this site who have experienced retroactive jealousy for decades over men who were with their spouses before they ever even met them. They know logically it doesn’t make sense, but they can’t get past it. Hopefully some of them will see this and chime in.


His situation is worse than typical retroactive jealousy. With RJ, neither party is culpable. The problem started before the couple got together, typically. Here, OP kicked himself out of the relationship. What was she supposed to do? 

Like RJ, you will have to deal with this problem for a very long time if not forever. Try not to dwell on the thought of them having sex, *never* bring it up to her, don't ask questions about it. You will *never* allay your hurt by talking with her about it. She did nothing wrong.


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## Evinrude58




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## David60525

Deano89 said:


> A year ago I left the mother of my children of 13 years, as I felt we had grown to be totally different people over the years. We had nothing in common anymore and would mostly argue and be in moods with eachother all the time.
> 
> Enough was enough and I packed my things and left. She didn't want to end things but I stuck to my guns as I felt it was the right thing to do.
> 
> Being away from her made me realize how much I did actually love her and felt like leaving was a mistake.
> 
> About 3 months later I spoke to her about my feelings, but she said it was now complicated as she had met someone else, but did say she misses me and would meet to hear me out.
> 
> We have since gotten back together and things have gone smoothly. We vowed to do more things as a family, and to make more of an effort with eachother.
> 
> I found out she had on several occasions been intimate with this other person in our family home, including our bed, and I'm having a really hard time accepting it.
> 
> Now I know looking at this logically I can't accuse her of anything as we weren't together and it was me that left her, but my mind keeps looking at it like I've been cheated on, In my own bed that I am now lying in writing this.
> 
> We have spoken about it and she says she wishes it didn't happen and was only trying to move on to help with the pain of the split.
> 
> I feel if I now go and sleep with someone it will even the score in my head so to speak (I know it's a horrible phrase to use in this context) and I can just move forward and enjoy being with her. Then there is the other part of me telling me how ridiculous and selfish I would be to do that.
> 
> I'm a really big over thinker and it is torturing my brain at times, and it sometimes puts a blocker on me being a loving partner. Am I just an overly jealous person?
> 
> I could really use some advice on the matter. Hopefully a suggestion from someone might be the very thing that helps, because I feel like I've ran out of ideas.
> 
> Thanks.


Drop it and get down to living and loving.
Learn what ephesians is about


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