# Why do guys cheat?



## sad_angel (Jul 10, 2012)

What makes or why does a guy cheat? 

Do they really know why they did it? 


Struggling with some of these questions. Had another counseling session last night and the topic that came up was I wanted to know why he had the affair. I asked him why it happened, what was he thinking, why he didn't come clean before we got married.

He response was (word for word):
I really don't know. She was a pretty girl, is a pretty girl. She like to flirt with everyone and she flirted with me. I was at my work banquet and drank too much.

He looks at me and says:
You know she flirted with all the guys. She is pretty, don't you think?

Let me tell you how much anger filled inside of me at that moment in counseling!! 

All I could think about last night was - did he really just ask me that??!?!?!? WTF!!!!


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## sad_angel (Jul 10, 2012)

Is it they are insecure with themselves?

Overall, for me it is hard to understand and I want to understand reasons why he would have. To me it happened 5 months before we were getting married. I want to understand and know if it was something I did or didn't do. Over the 12 years beginning together, that was to me the happiest time of the relationship and for him to cheat then, I can only expect it to happen again.

Right???


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Why do women cheat? Why does ANYONE cheat? I don't think there is one real answer.People cheat and have their own reasons to try and justify it.
The only thing you should concern yourself with is why did MY guy cheat, do i want to stay in this marriage? how can we fix our relationship?


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## sad_angel (Jul 10, 2012)

So there is a good chance I will never know his real reasons?

His first excuse was he was drunk.
Now it seems it is "cause she is pretty".

Wow ok - So I said to him, any pretty girl that comes along you will have a chance to cheat?! He got angry at me for saying that.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

sad_angel said:


> What makes or why does a guy cheat?
> 
> Do they really know why they did it?
> 
> ...


Somebody mentioned on another post about the "coolidge effect" and I went and looked it up.

Perhaps this is part of the reason...doesn't make it right, but men are wired differently than women and desire more mates and mating with more than one female to spread their seed.

While alcohol can lower someone's inhibitions, the underlying behavior is there, alcohol just lowers their ability to resist and just move on. People use this excuse constantly and that's exactly what it is, an excuse. MOST, I say MOST drunk people KNOW what they are doing, they just don't care at that point.


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## Feelingdown (Aug 13, 2012)

One night stands are probably down to a lack to will power to say no to something you want to do. It's like being commited to losing weight but not being able to resist a cake when you see it infront of you. I've never cheated myself I never will, but if you allow yourself to get into certain situations then it can happen even if you are madly in love with your OH... though you're still a bit an arsehole.

Affiars or regular one night stands however, are another matter entirely. They do it cos they're arseholes.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

sad_angel said:


> So there is a good chance I will never know his real reasons?
> 
> His first excuse was he was drunk.
> Now it seems it is "cause she is pretty".
> ...


His flip responses aren't helpful and he needs to understand that.Does HE want to fix what he has broken?


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## sad_angel (Jul 10, 2012)

Well with this situation it isn't a one night stand or a ONE time Mistake.
He distant himself from her but she was a co-worker. He then started talking to her and giving her compliments - even saying in an email he like to walk past her desk and see her sitting there.

So the emotional affair carried on for around 3 years total.

To make this situation even more twisted: they had a company softball team but always had a hard time having enough girls since it was co-ed. So I joined the team, which included her and my husband. So was around them both after the affair happened and while the emotional affair was going on and off.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

wow this thread needs to be moved to CWI in light of those details.


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

personally i have never cheated however, neally did a couple of times. mainly due to girlfriend at the time, stopped having sex with me and was all depressive for a year.

the other time i was drunk and saw it as a challenege to see if i could still pick up at a club ( that time was silly)


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Somebody mentioned on another post about the "coolidge effect" and I went and looked it up.
> 
> Perhaps this is part of the reason...doesn't make it right, but men are wired differently than women and desire more mates and mating with more than one female to spread their seed.
> 
> While alcohol can lower someone's inhibitions, the underlying behavior is there, alcohol just lowers their ability to resist and just move on. People use this excuse constantly and that's exactly what it is, an excuse. MOST, I say MOST drunk people KNOW what they are doing, they just don't care at that point.


Drunken mind, sober thoughts.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Why do women cheat? Why does ANYONE cheat? I don't think there is one real answer.People cheat and have their own reasons to try and justify it.
> The only thing you should concern yourself with is why did MY guy cheat, do i want to stay in this marriage? how can we fix our relationship?


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Sad,

I think most cheating (men and women) is based more on selfishness than anything else.

There is no thought of how much damage this will do to the other party. If anything, the thought process is more related to the probability of whether or not they'll get caught

I also think that many affairs start when someone is looking for something they feel is lacking in their relationship. It's usually attention and seems to happen whether or not their spouse is supplying it. I suppose it's also flattering when it seems like there's someone else out there who desires you


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

What my marriage counselor told me was that people cheat because there is something they are not getting in their relationship. 

It's less about seeing a prettier woman/more handsome man. It's less about opportunity. A need is not being filled for them in their relationship and they find it elsewhere. And it doesn't need to be a sexual need. She said it is more likely an emotional connection that was once there and is now gone.


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## cabin fever (Feb 9, 2012)

They cheat for the same reason women do.


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## sad_angel (Jul 10, 2012)

I have read a lot of things online about cheating and I do agree it is something that the person was missing in the relationship. I just honestly have NO IDEA what it was and I want him to tell me what he was missing but I am just getting these excuses, rug sweeping answers. I don't know if I am looking to have that solid answer cause I feel I can help him if I know exactly what was going on with him.

I think I stay cause if he would just open up and be honest then we can move forward and I feel he is refusing. To me there hasn't been much remorse for what he has done, other then "sorry" and I'll change. But I fail to see that change. It will be good for a few months at most and then into the same pattern. It just is SO emotionally draining that I am noticing physical things with my health now.

How do you find the courage to say this just isn't working?

I still care about him but it is a 2 way street and he is holding back.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

IMHO there are a lot of BS reasons given for this question. The real reason men + women cheat is the same reason a dog licks his sack...because he can and because he CHOOSES to.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I agree... its all about "choice". People can toss out all the reasons under the sun for choosing to cheat but the real reason.. imo... is that they simply chose to do it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Was this a ONS or an affair? This was before you were married?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I think guys cheat for the same reasons women cheat. They lack the commitment and values that are necessary for a healthy relationship.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

A one-size-fits-all explanation does not seem adequate. 

An affair is different than a ONS, and both are different from repeated cheating with different partners.

An affair, to me, is most likely to be about the "something missing at home." Few happily married people will make a deep enough connection with a MOS to the point they will cheat.

An aberrant ONS seems to be related to alcohol and opportunity--and some lack of self-esteem on the part of the cheater, who still gets a thrill from finding him/herself desirable to a MOS. 

Chronic cheating, with different people, to me, screams of an extremely dysfunctional person, someone who lacks the sense of self to feel good about themselves w/o the thrill of conquest and newness. 

Anyone married to the chronic cheater needs to accept it or move on, b/c that person has a hole in themselves that needs to be fixed before s/he can ever be a responsible partner. 

A ONS means someone needs to work on their self-esteem and alcohol consumption.

An affair means the marriage is in trouble and both partners need to accept they are responsible for the problems in the marriage (although only the cheater is responsible for cheating). 

Of course, these are generalizations and any specific case can be different.


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## Skate Daddy 9 (Sep 19, 2011)

I have never cheated on my wife but if I did it would be just for sex. My wife and I have very different ideas of what a happy and healthy sex life should be like so if I cheated it would just be to have some crazy sex. I know that I don’t ever want to cheat so I do whatever I can to stay out of situations that could lead to getting to know another woman.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I don't think all people cheat because they are missing something at home. Some people could have the perfect spouse but still sleep with a great looking guy that makes a move on them. It is about integrity and morals. It is about selfishness. These are the people that are either too young for a marriage or are just not capable of marriage.

There are also bad marriages where there is little communication or sex or whatever else. If you aren't meeting your spouses needs, then you should be worried that they might find someone to meet that need.

I think the OP should tell her husband that if the reason he cheated is what he told her (she was pretty), that she is leaving him. This means he is one of those guys that can't be trusted and isn't marriage material.


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

sad_angel said:


> What makes or why does a guy cheat?
> 
> Do they really know why they did it?
> 
> ...


ugh people can be so stupid. DUUURRRR SHE'S PURDY...DONTCHA THINK?

sounds like some stupidity my husband would come up with


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Poor.impulse.control.

That's what it sounds like your husband is afflicted with... well that and foot in mouth syndrome.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

thunderstruck said:


> IMHO there are a lot of BS reasons given for this question. The real reason men + women cheat is the same reason a dog licks his sack...because he can and because he CHOOSES to.


:iagree:

Why does a robber rob a bank?
Because he didn't have enough money to pay his rent?

Why did the financial whiz invent a Ponzi scheme that caused so many people to loose their retirement funds , house etc?
Because he wanted to send his daughter to college?

Foolishness!

A man cheat because he is selfish and thinks he can get away with it.

That is the reason people cheat generally. Not just in marriage,but in any situation. Their value system is eroded and they trick their minds into believing that what they are doing is actually not their fault but something or someone else's.

So its always the alcohol , the girl , the wife , the mental depression , the situation blah , blah , blah....

To the OP.
You have every right to be livid.
He will never admit it was his fault, unless he changes the level of consciousness that caused him to cheat. He has to work on his personal value system.
No amount of evo psych or psychometric mumbo jumbo could replace taking serious responsibility for one's actions.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

1. Opportunity
2. Someone hot/someone we are actually attracted to
3. Someone who actually appreciates us

P.S. those would be my reasons, though I have not cheated, I would not put it past myself.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Most guys are going to cheat that is just the reality. It would require a very very long post on why

But perhaps its best that i do not bring negative information to light.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Goldmember357 said:


> Most guys are going to cheat that is just the reality. It would require a very very long post on why
> 
> But perhaps its best that i do not bring negative information to light.


Most would cheat? I think that is insulting to the majority of men here who haven't. Good Lord.


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

I don't think there is an excuse to cheat. I'm a staunch supporter of taking the blame for the things you've done. That being said, I believe there are several factors that could provided the ground.


Lack of boundaries.
A high drive person being rejected by a low drive person repeatedly. 
Lack of intimacy
Entitlement
Low self-esteem. By this I mean, they need others people to validate how well they look, how good they are
Rescuers. They need to help that damsel in distress, the manly version of the Damsel in Distress

Cheating always starts with a choice. They could attempt to work it out, to divorce, or to cheat. I think it's the instant gratification that many choose to cheat. Instead of taking the high road, they want a remedy to their problems at that moment. Also, they could be too much of a nice guy to tell their wife what they want and search for another woman.


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## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

At it's base level it's relatively simple. No need to over think this.

- the desire and excitement of experiencing a new person present in both men and women
- the opportunity for it to manifest into action
- the mind deciding to move forward on the desire

So the remaining question would be why did the mind decide to move forward on the desire. He told you she was pretty, she was flirting and he was drunk.


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