# Now what???



## melissab (Sep 22, 2012)

I admit, I am barely on this site. I usually don't like to talk about my marriage in a negative light but I don't know what to do or where to turn. Please help, I need some direction. 

I've been married for almost 10 years now and been with my husband for over 18 years now. We've had normal up and downs in our marriage but usually worked it out. Before marriage we talked about children and he was hesitant but agreed on one child. I told him that this is something very important to me and if we were not on the same page that is a deal breaker for me. Again he agreed to one but lets wait awhile. I've been having strong desire to have children. I feel like time is running out, I am now 35 and he is 38. Tonight he told me that he has been feeling this for some time now and doesn't want children. 

I asked him why he is feeling this way and he states that a child 
1. would cost a lot of money
2. it would slow him down from following his career goals
3. he is tired of doing things for everyone else
4. he would be putting his life on hold for a long time (as I returned to school 2 years into our marriage and it took 5 years to complete). 

I said of how this is unfair of him as we agreed and talked about this. We also moved to California over a year ago, because he wanted to work in film. Now I am away from family and friends. I am working as a RN and only work 3 days a week, so the child would not need daycare or cares everyday. He is aware that I plan to continue working after the child. He said that since I work as pediatric nurse wouldn't that be enough. I said no, just like he wants to work in film so he should be fine just going to see a movie. 

I don't want to force him, as it is not fair. So now my question is; do I stay in the marriage or will I be filled of resentment towards him? Do I end the marriage but knowing that by the time I find someone and begin a relationship that I will be too old and unable to start a family. 

Thank you for taking the time to read this.


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## Idun (Jul 30, 2011)

How horrible it took this long for him to finally admit he never wants children. I really feel for you, how awful. I think you've waited long enough, you said from the beginning this was a deal breaker. Trust me, the feeling and contentment from having a child cannot be filled by something else, and you will definitely resent him more and more as time goes on. I know you love him and have probably pictured the two of you getting old together - but imagine for a minute the relationship failed for other reasons - you have then given up on your dream of having children for someone who's not even there any more (and by then it may be too late for you - biologically). I am so sorry, I cannot believe you've waited 18 years. 

You need to call him on this - he'll either realize how much you mean to him and agree he'd put up with the "negatives" of a child, if it means you'll be happy and stay with him - or - the relationship will end and you'll both be able to fulfill your dreams elsewhere. But you can't wait any longer, some women are less fertile at 35 than others and if the relationship ends it may take time to find a suitable partner to have children with.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

All his reasons sound inherently selfish. Selfishness is also inherently childish... Essentially he is behaving as your child and NOT your husband. Just tell him this and look at him and say, "at least I get to know what it is like to raise a child!"

...aside from that, know that the Catholic church would happily annul your marriage because you married someone who is unwilling to procreate. So your instincts are right. Ask you husband why a church would favor you and dump him out with yesterday's garbage. Have a priest sit down with you during this conversation. 

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

You have to leave him. Yes, it will take time to find someone else, but it will be well worth it.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

What a hard position to be in. One thing to consider is that if you stay without kids, will he acknowledge your sacrifice? That is, will he understand you have a unfulfilled part of you and will he try to make it up in some other way? 

Sorry to be blunt, but you have to realistically think about how your age will figure into this. It's easy to say leave and find someone else, but that will be hard to do. I suppose it's easy to just find some guy to marry, but to find someone you want to be with for the rest of your life can take a while. I would suspect that most men around your age aren't interested in having kids. Either they already have them or don't want them at all. 

That being said, you may be better off leaving and find someone else. Even if you don't have kids, you may find someone who makes you so happy it doesn't matter.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Remind him of this: 



> I told him that this is something very important to me and if we were not on the same page that is a deal breaker for me.


If you want kids and it's a deal breaker, he needs to understand that. Start making plans to leave and tell him about it because you aren't going to stop wanting a child just because he did.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

In the beginning during the honeymoon phase of your relationship he probably would have promised you anything, heck he might have even been sincere. I would guess he never wanted kids and as the years passed he figured eventually you would just stop asking about it, at this point he has no interest in shaking up his life by having a kid.

You have two choices, accept it or not.


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

He lied to you so he could marry you. Can you annul?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I see both sides of it. But, if he really loves you and knows how important it is to you........ He should be in.

But, as stated you can't just leave and expect another life partner to show up that quickly. 'Course, a baby daddy is easy enough to find.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

I think he should uphold his word. He agreed to it, so he should follow through. Otherwise he is a cheat and a liar.

In like manner, you agreed to love him for better or for worse till the day you died. So you should follow through on your promise as well.


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

When the subject is about sex in a marriage instead of having children, it's called a "bait and switch" and looked upon very negatively by the person who pulled it.

I would say that you got a horrible "bait and switch" related to whether or not to have children, 18 years after the fact, and that sucks. It's on him, because you were very clear, and he changed his mind after all this time (or never really admitted his true feelings in the first place - more likely). But at this point, you obviously are dealing with present and future, so only you can decide if you want to stay with him child-less (I don't think 'persuading' him to have a child would end up very well for you or anyone) or if you want to leave.

If you leave, you don't have to get married to have a child. There are ways to be a mother that don't require a partner. Only you can know if you want it enough to make that change. 

Good luck to you.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*You are confronted with having to live with immaturity versus maturity!

Simply put, kids or not, life is certainly more livable with someone who is mature and loving!

Give him one last chance and if he fails to acquiesce, then it's more than apparent that he doesn't love you, and likely never did! If that happens, it's either time to go lawyer shopping; or if you're Catholic, a hasty visit needs to be made to your priest!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## melissab (Sep 22, 2012)

Thank you all for our replies and insight. Today I spent be day crying and crying not knowing what to do. I feel so alone with nothing and no one. I have no friends here or family. If I return home I will have to give up on my job, if I stay for my job I have no one. 
We did talk for awhile and with no resolution. We both cried and said how scared we're for the relationship and direction. Yes, we haven't been on the best of terms and arguing, putting each down which we both are doing. 
He kept asking me to cuddle today but I said no. He wants to take me to Disneyland but this isn't what I want.
Not sure what to do, say, act or anything. Feel so empty! I am just sitting on the couch sharing at the wall.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## melissab (Sep 22, 2012)

Several people asked about my religion -Christian so annulment isn't an option.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

He doesnt want kids yet wants to take you to Disneyland???

He is either lying to himself, clueless about how children affect you, or both.

Have you guys gone to your church leaders?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I'm so sorry, this is a tragic situation. Unfortunately I think that someone should never be pressured into having children that they don't want - for the sake of the children. It took a while, but eventually I put various pieces of information together and realized that my father never wanted me - and a whole lot of things made sense. Its a really horrible thing to discover as a child- and they WILL find out.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Perhaps you two should make a few trips to a marriage counselor. You are arguing and having trouble - maybe resolving some of the communication issues will put you in a place where he feels more comfortable committing to a family. Or maybe there are objections even HE can't quite verbalize. Yes, it will take away a certain level of freedom but he can't really picture the rewards. Does he have nephews? Is there a support group of Dads he could join in to get an idea about what fatherhood would really be like?

If you try those things and still can't agree then it could be time to end things. Even then there might not be a child, although the right man might be up for adoption later in life. Or maybe you can opt to have a child on your own if it means that much toyou. Nurses are in pretty high demand, aren't they? Maybe moving back near family would be a good way to start over - it's easier to get a new job than new support network.

I'm sorry you are struggling here. My ex didn't want children but after 10 years of marriage it happened and he was happy about it, fortunately. But that doesn't mean your husband would be so don't try that (not that you would).


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Blossom Leigh said:


> *He doesnt want kids yet wants to take you to Disneyland???*


That's what I was thinking.. My Lord.. that would make it THAT much harder seeing families every where [email protected]#

I FEEL for you @melissab...((((Hugs))))...none of us can tell you what to do, as in this day & age.. many are not looking to get married... even the younger.. so mid 30's... so many have already had children, it takes TIME to form new relationships... to know if you are compatible even.... 

But Oh my.. I can so easily understand your Anger, tears, frustration... this deep injustice you feel -with his making this promise ...*you trusted him*!!..you envisioned the 3 of you someday.. you held on to it... *he has broken your trust*.. this is NOT a little thing.. that you just get over.. 

And for what...worldly pursuits, his career, he doesn't want to devote the time...do you earn a good living?

We are a family of 8.. and I'd almost bet your husband makes more than mine.. Granted.. we are not materialist much at all.. but these figures I see reported in the news -the cost to raise a child... I say these are grossly inflated.. If a couple has adequate covered Health insurance... outside of this.. everything can be managed to save $$, in fact tons of money if you are a savvy shopper...babies don't need everything shiny & new.. consignment shops.. also think EBAY ... 

Children are a gift...if he feels this strongly against even one.. it's not for the best for a child to be raised by him.. he showed hesitation in his early years.. too bad you couldn't have seen this one coming...unfortunate to say...

He has put his selfishness before HIS WORD .. does he even feel remorse ? 

You mentioned you are a Christian.. do you belong to a church.. have women friends you can talk to.. for support?.. such things need prayed over...for a "PEACE" to come over you.. direction for your life.... I also feel he has given you a "bait & Switch' here..its dishonorable.. 

Did you know the Bible speaks on the wanting of children..how it can become all consuming... scripture compares the barren womb to a desert thirsting for water, the grave & a consuming uncontrollable fire...(Proverbs 30:16)

I am afraid washing the resentment away, depending on how strongly you feel.. will be very difficult. It's what you need to weigh.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

melissab said:


> He kept asking me to cuddle today but I said no. He wants to take me to Disneyland but this isn't what I want.


Putting all the other issues aside ......

If he suggests taking you to Disneyland when you are hurting because he's said he doesn't want children that suggests that he is at the least extremely inconsiderate but more like absolutely heartless. 

That is a horrible suggestion.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

If you stay with him this will be a continual sore spot in your relationship, not that it can't be worked around, but it will always be there. I went through the same sort of thing. My wife before we got married that she absolutely agreed that she would work while the kids were growing up, only to tell me shortly after we got married that she wanted to be a SAHM. I should have divorced her right then. I've never felt I could trust her after that. If you have similar feelings of distrust, you should probably serioulsy consider divorce.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

melissab said:


> I've been having strong desire to have children. I feel like time is running out, I am now 35 and he is 38. Tonight he told me that he has been feeling this for some time now and doesn't want children.
> 
> I asked him why he is feeling this way and he states that a child
> 1. would cost a lot of money
> ...


Firstly I would never suggest forcing someone to be a parent, that's not fair on the child. I was reluctant, terrified in fact, but all that passed somewhere in the first 2 seconds after my D was born. Admittedly those feelings were replaced by a huge wave of responsibility coming over me!! 

1. He is right, they are expensive, but worth every single cent.
2. I am sure there are others at work who have children and manage just fine. Is he not capable of the same accomplishment that they are?
3. Like who? With very very few exceptions all of us do things for someone else. You just need to figure out a work life balance. If you simply live to work what's the point anyway.
4. Having children doesn't put your life on hold. I have no effing idea where the last 17 years went. Last thing I remember my D was in a child seat behind me, or toddling across the floor with her arms out saying Daddy.



> I don't want to force him, as it is not fair. So now my question is; do I stay in the marriage or will I be filled of resentment towards him? Do I end the marriage but knowing that by the time I find someone and begin a relationship that I will be too old and unable to start a family.


Unfortunately you are right, you can't force him but I think you will be filled with resentment every time you see a family out with children or a Dad carrying his child on hid shoulders. 

Would he consider adoption? If you adopt a child older than a baby you might eliminate the no sleep at night years. However adoption does bring with it a whole host of hurdles and potential pitfalls but there are way too many children needing a home.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

You're 35, it is not impossible to find a good guy who wants to be a father and husband. I started dating dating my husband at 35, married at 37, had our healthy, happy little guy at 38. I first had to end a long-term relationship that was making my dream of having a family impossible, though. It will be next to impossible for you to have your dream of a family with kids if you stay with your current husband. 

I can't speak badly of your husband for changing his mind. If he doesn't want children, he's doing you right by saying do. It would have been much better if he'd told you earlier, but he might not have been as clear on it then. You still have choices now. 

If you were my friend or sister, I would recommend that you leave. I would tell you to go back home (assuming there is a decent sized pool of eligible men there). As a nurse you can work anywhere. Go be with the people who love you and who can support you as you go through a difficult break-up and as you start a new life. Give yourself the chance to really get what you want. You can't have it with your husband. It doesn't mean that he's a bad guy or that you're a failure or any other negative junk. It means the two if you were honest with each other and brave enough to make a difficult decision, which will free you both to find your happiness. You are both young enough to find long term partners who are more compatible on this critical item. 

If you (general "you", not you specifically/individually) don't give yourself the chance to be a mom when it's something that you really want...I think you'll be extremely resentful. You'll notice the babies, the families, the school aged kids, the grandkids, it doesn't go away as you grow older and go through different life stages. It's different if you don't want kids. I think it's different, although still extremely heartbreaking, if you tried to have kids but couldn't do it. I personally could not have been happy if I didn't give it my best shot to have kids. I knew it was something extremely important to me, I could not just turn it off or try to choke it down. It sounds like you might feel the same way.


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## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

OP, I'd say just leave. I hope you'll find a way to become a mother. You're an RN. Maybe not on the California coast, but there are places where nurses get paid reasonably well and the cost of living is affordable. Even if you don't fulfill your dream, would you want to spend the rest of your life with the person who came between you and what you wanted most? There are other men to love and be loved.

Good luck, I'm pulling for you.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

melissab said:


> I admit, I am barely on this site. I usually don't like to talk about my marriage in a negative light but I don't know what to do or where to turn. Please help, I need some direction.
> 
> I've been married for almost 10 years now and been with my husband for over 18 years now. We've had normal up and downs in our marriage but usually worked it out. Before marriage we talked about children and he was hesitant but agreed on one child. I told him that this is something very important to me and if we were not on the same page that is a deal breaker for me. Again he agreed to one but lets wait awhile. I've been having strong desire to have children. I feel like time is running out, I am now 35 and he is 38. Tonight he told me that he has been feeling this for some time now and doesn't want children.
> 
> ...


Classic bait and switch.

I think I'd pull the plug.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You have been together for 18 years and married for 10. If he promised children earlier, why didn't you have children earlier? I'm just wondering if the long time between his promise and today is part of the problem.

He has every right to not want children.

You have every right to want them. 

The problem is he did a cruel bait and switch on you.

I have no doubt that, if you do not have any children, you will grow to resent him to the point of it causing huge problems or ending the marriage. So it's probably better to end it and not waste more of your life. You have a finite window in which to have children.

Plus, the magnitude of his bait and switch is way too big to get beyond, IMHO.


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