# I have some news...



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

...I got married! :-D

This probably has no context for some peeps on here but last year I had a HUGE relationship crisis. I'd been with my OH for nearly 4 years, we had four kids, one of which was at the time was 5 months old. 

OH found himself in an EA with a girl he met at work and I was devastated. We'd planned to get married later last year and suddenly he didn't know how he felt anymore (insert random cliches here...)

Without digging it all up, we experienced a rollercoaster where at one point I was on my own with three kids and a baby. We got through it and set a date.

And we did it! It was great, just me and him. He says, "it does feel different!" and I agree it does. For me, I feel very proud. I feel more secure. I feel very positive about the future. I feel very much more now (though I think this is partly life experience too) that we are working as a team rather than two people fighting their corner. It's a great feeling!

The only downer is the people who are miffed that they didn't know we were getting married. His dad was pretty angry. His best friend was rather upset. I see their reasons and can understand; I do feel pissed off however that they've turned what should be one of the happiest times in our lives into a personal affront to them.

Not sure how that'll pan out. But things are good. I'm happy 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Congratulations!

I hear there's a website out there that has great advice about building and maintaining a loving, healthy marriage.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Congratulations!

Those guys who miffed will get over it, don't let it steal your happiness for a second.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

It's your wedding/ marriage. Tell them that are upset about missing the wedding... It was just the wedding that they missed.. The marriage is the most important part, and they are welcome to give good friendly advice for healthy marriage whenever they feel the need or desire to give it!... And then listen to them. They probably feel left out. I'd make sure for a little bit, that you call them with updates about how happy you two are that you tied the knot.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Congrats! 

I hope you come hang out in the Ladies Lounge from time to time  I remember reading your threads.


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

tobio said:


> I feel very much more now (though I think this is partly life experience too) that we are working as a team rather than two people fighting their corner. It's a great feeling!


Yes, it is. CONGRATULATIONS

Now, at my own peril, I'd like to offer some unsolicited advice (always a risky thing ~laughs~)

HOLD ONTO THAT BIT ABOUT BEING A TEAM.

Honestly, that is in my opinion the number one thing that people do wrong in marriages. They approach it as an adversarial competition... a zero sum game. The thought pattern is, "How can I give as little as possible and get as much as possible." You'll have troubled times in the future. It will be tempting to pull apart as a team and revert to adversarial thinking. Don't.



> I do feel pissed off however that they've turned what should be one of the happiest times in our lives into a personal affront to them.


You should. I am devoutely of the belief that the wedding day is all about the couple. That'd be you, right? ~chuckles~


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Jeff/BC said:


> Yes, it is. CONGRATULATIONS
> 
> Now, at my own peril, I'd like to offer some unsolicited advice (always a risky thing ~laughs~)
> 
> ...


Lol!

Yep it feels easier thinking like that. A lot more logical, it takes a huge degree of the emotion out and my current thinking when things come up is, "what can we do to make this better?". A lot more productive than my previous thinking which was to take anything he said he was unhappy about as a personal attack when it simply wasn't that at all. I am still working on that as I am a super-sensitive one but taking a step back and actually hearing him helps rather than immediately getting defensive.

Always happy for some advice!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Congratulations.
Don't worry about the others. You did what was right for you and hubs and that's the most important thing.
I wish you love and happiness
Xx
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

tobio said:


> Yep it feels easier thinking like that. A lot more logical, it takes a huge degree of the emotion out and my current thinking when things come up is, "what can we do to make this better?"


What keeps me focused when I'm angry or for some other reason "out of sorts" is reminding myself that there IS no individual win. Whatever it is that I think I want, it's going to make me miserable if it makes Carol miserable. For me, at least, the reason it "feels easier" thinking like that is because it IS. The adversarial mode is like trying to use quantum physics formulas to describe a waltz. It's just the wrong tool for the job. We are not adversaries.

When Carol and I "argue" it comes out really funny. Immediately, when we spot the disagreement, I will change my mind and want what she wants -- or at least want to deliver happiness to my partner. She does the same. So we still end up arguing... it's just the "winner" of the argument is the one who managed to give the person they love a gift. The loser is the one who had to accept the gift. 

Really, when you look at it, we really ARE still arguing. And we really are still resolving the core problem of "two incompatible things" whatever they are. But doing it from opposite sides of the fence sure does take all the sting out of it. It's really hard to get mad at someone who is arguing aggressively to give you what you want LOL.

And yes, actually truly hearing and seeing your partner is always helpful. I also find it more rewarding to be in an actual relationship than a fictional one I made up in my mind with someone who doesn't exist. That also is a common cause of relationship trauma.


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