# To stay or go...



## Fleticao12 (Oct 17, 2016)

My husband and I have been together for 10 years. We have children together and what seemed to be a great marriage - the usual trivial arguments from time to time but no ongoing issues. I have recently found out that he slept with a stranger he met on a dating type site. He met with her a few times and slept with her on their final meeting. He said he was disgusted, it was a terrible experience and he didn't enjoy it at all and felt sad about what he has done to me. He removed himself from the site and cut communication with her. He says it was just about experiencing sleeping with someone else, emotions never played into it. I spoke with her and verified his story...she said he was strange towards the end. He says it was a big ego, pride and selfishness driven mistake which was spurred on by not enough of us sleeping together - that all he wanted was more of me and now realises I am all he wants even if we never sleep together again. 

I'd like to know whether based on his unrelenting remorse and faith in himself to grow and become a man, would it be reasonable to stay and see how it pans out. He vows never to do it again, owns his mistake and has not once justified it. But I am so hurt and feel unrepairable at this stage, it's the worst pain I have probably ever felt. Does anyone else have a 'one night stand' cheater (plus dates/messages etc) they have worked through this with and how did it end up?


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Check this out from the WS perspective:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/175881-i-just-need-tell-someone.html

and her follow up:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/177234-i-told-him-everything-please-can-someone-help-i-need-more-than-ever.html

By the way, did you find out because he spontaneously confessed on his own, or did he only own up to it when you found out/suspected from other sources? I think that often makes a difference.


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## Fleticao12 (Oct 17, 2016)

Thank you for the link to that post - I'm going to read through it as is 'the other side of the story'!

He didn't confess as he was very worried about hurting me and risking our marriage. I found a FB message to a girl which turned out to be innocent but lead me to do some investigating. Getting the whole truth was sadly like pulling teeth.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Fleticao12 said:


> Thank you for the link to that post - I'm going to read through it as is 'the other side of the story'!
> 
> He didn't confess as he was very worried about hurting me and risking our marriage. I found a FB message to a girl which turned out to be innocent but lead me to do some investigating. Getting the whole truth was sadly like pulling teeth.



Not as good.

As you can see from the second link I posted above, the WS finally decided to tell her husband on her own.
After much anguish, they seemed to be doing OK at last report.
(She posted a brief third thread in February of this year which was still positive).

However, when getting to the truth becomes "pulling teeth", you wonder how much remorse there really is (as opposed to feeling bad about being caught). And it can be hard to be sure you have the whole story.
I think that makes it harder to reconcile for many.


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## Fleticao12 (Oct 17, 2016)

Wolfman1968 said:


> Not as good.
> 
> As you can see from the second link I posted above, the WS finally decided to tell her husband on her own.
> After much anguish, they seemed to be doing OK at last report.
> ...


Thank you for your responses!

His behaviour after it happened was zero indication that it did - I had no idea, I was hiking overseas (where my in-laws live - he couldn't come due to business) for 5 weeks with our children when it did happen...we returned and my Husband and I decided to have a baby (I'm pregnant to top it all off) all seemed perfect. He is shattered though, really remorseful. He didn't want to hurt me. But I do worry about whether there was guilt and remorse brewing underneath or not...even though he says there was.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Both of you go to MC (marriage counciling). For several sessions. Weekly. You don't know the truth as you had to pry it out of him. His remorse is likely BS... He got caught. IF he really had issues with cheating, you should have noticed his mood. If I'm upset, my wife picks up on it quick...

If he's not willing to do MC and books and work to PROVE himself... Then staying is less likely. You should have access to his phone, Gmail, fb accounts. No questions.

Get the book "not just friends" by Shirley Glass. 

If this was really the first time ever, then likely he'll do it again. Who knows. At least a PA is more recoverable than an EA...


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## Fleticao12 (Oct 17, 2016)

His remorse is honest. He is suffering. He isn't usually so emotional. He organised MC we have been once so far with more visits scheduled. He has started reading and registered for a self-betterment course he starts this week. I have access to whatever online account of his I like when I like plus his email address' (he has a couple due to business). Usually when we argue he defends himself but right now he is not justifying anything, is patient and answers my questions. I was able to verify his story with the girl he slept with and she was so sincerely upset that she wouldn't lie for him. He has always been selfish and the type to have to get the next 'new thing' to be happy - he says he now realises this and wants to live from the heart. 

What does anyone make of that? Good signs or just typical stuff?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Please, go get tested for STDs and insist he does as well. 

There is more here than emotional pain and betrayal. 

He very well put your health in danger. It's easy to say to yourself that his remorse and sorrow trumps that, but it is fact, plain and simple. What he did is not an act of love toward you. 

You need to see clearly in this before you make any decision. So don't be hasty and allow the clarity to come. Don't feel you have to leap to be the forgiving person. He made the mistake. You are still coming to terms with the magnitude of it, believe me.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He decided to cheat on you.
He took the time to find a dating site.
He took the effort to find a woman.
He took the time to cheat with her multiple times.
He then took the plunge (no pun intended) to have sex with her on one or more occasions.

If only he'd put the same amount of effort into your marriage...

I can't tell you what to do, but in the words of Maya Angelou


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Fleticao12 said:


> He didn't confess as he was very worried about hurting me and risking our marriage. I found a FB message to a girl which turned out to be innocent but lead me to do some investigating. Getting the whole truth was sadly like pulling teeth.


No, he was worried about HIMSELF and what HE stood to lose.

You might think he's 'remorseful.' but the guy wouldn't know what true remorse is if you crammed it down his throat.

A* truly *remorseful spouse would TELL you the truth and not continue lying to you over and over and over and over - making you feel like you're 'pulling teeth' as you said - in order to get the truth out of him. A truly remorseful spouse would put YOUR pain and YOUR need to know the truth above his own selfish needs and he wasn't doing that.

You're just seeing regret. Regret that he got caught and regret that he's now paying the price for his behavior.

Do know that just about all cheaters - when caught - do their very best to paint themselves in the most innocent light they can. Yours is REALLY laying it on thick, though. 



> He didn't want to hurt me.


Of course he didn't. His goal was to get himself some strange and that you'd never find out. And this supposedly oh so 'remorseful' cheater acted *totally normal* after he did it, as you stated.

I think you need to look past his sugary sweet, placating verbal nonsense and see him for who he* really* is.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

As the ONS instigator in my marriage, I say that you owe it to yourself to take a reasonable amount of time to discover if you want to repair the marriage.

Maybe you have a spouse who is worth the effort, who screwed up about as bad as you can screw up but will recommit to the marriage. Maybe you don't. Give yourself enough time to get over the shock to discover where you land.

But most importantly, discover why this happened. Plenty of folks here will be happy to tell you that you married a POS of whom you are now lucky to be well rid, end of story. Maybe that is the whole truth, but perhaps in the real world things have more shades of gray. You owe it to yourself and your future to understand the root causes, whatever they turn out to be.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Fleticao12 said:


> My husband and I have been together for 10 years. We have children together and what seemed to be a great marriage - the usual trivial arguments from time to time but no ongoing issues. I have recently found out that he slept with a stranger he met on a dating type site. He met with her a few times and slept with her on their final meeting. He said he was disgusted, it was a terrible experience and he didn't enjoy it at all and felt sad about what he has done to me. He removed himself from the site and cut communication with her. He says it was just about experiencing sleeping with someone else, emotions never played into it.


People that say that have no idea what emotions are. Emotions add color to our life and add drive. The historical meaning for emotion was to act or move (mot). It is the very essence of Emotional Intelligence (E-IQ) that we guide a healthy path through life, navigating our emotions and those of others.



> I spoke with her and verified his story...she said he was strange towards the end. He says it was a big ego, pride and selfishness driven mistake which was spurred on by not enough of us sleeping together - that all he wanted was more of me and now realises I am all he wants even if we never sleep together again.


A good deal of desperation in his words. He is not entirely genuine, partially due to those silly emotions. He would not stay with you, even if you never slept together again. While I say that, I hope you don't wring him out for being desperate. Just see through it enough to deal with reality.

Why was he MOTivated to spend time and emotional energy to get to the point of sleeping with another woman, rather than confront the issue with you and invest in the primary relationship?



> I'd like to know whether based on his unrelenting remorse and faith in himself to grow and become a man, would it be reasonable to stay and see how it pans out. He vows never to do it again, owns his mistake and has not once justified it. But I am so hurt and feel unrepairable at this stage, it's the worst pain I have probably ever felt. Does anyone else have a 'one night stand' cheater (plus dates/messages etc) they have worked through this with and how did it end up?


He has justified it. That doesn't mean there isn't remorse or that he is a lost cause. He knew what he was doing was wrong and spent time to get to home base. His apology was somewhat lacking.

I have dealt with being cheated on in the past. It does get easier, but so much of it relies on the cheater making amends and showing evidence of their permanent changes. He still has to give you a true apology. And then, you have to choose to place trust in him or not. Do not forgive until you are ready. Even so, it will take time to forget. After that, you both have to rectify the personal failures that led to the unstable relationship. You said that there were no ongoing issues. 100% of marriages have ongoing issues. 

Regardless of what you do, take the time to heal. You did not deserve to feel that pain and I hope that it dulls quickly. Focus on the present moment. If the thought of the affair comes up, acknowledge (not fight) it, and then move on back to what you were doing.


This is a good starter for an apology, following my 4-step rule. 

1. I am sorry.
2. I had a sexual affair with a random woman that I found when I was looking for a hookup.
3. I will not ever do this again. I did not confide in you when I should have. I abused your faith and trust. I did not give you a chance to intervene. I will invest in self-help/development/therapy/coaching/NLP etc., to work on my character flaws. etc. etc. etc.
4. (actions taken to prove this (#3) is the case.)

1. Apology
2. Ownership of the actions
3. Action plan
4. Proof


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## Fleticao12 (Oct 17, 2016)

Cletus said:


> But most importantly, discover why this happened. Plenty of folks here will be happy to tell you that you married a POS of whom you are now lucky to be well rid, end of story. Maybe that is the whole truth, but perhaps in the real world things have more shades of gray. You owe it to yourself and your future to understand the root causes, whatever they turn out to be.
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk



Things are shades of gray! You are right. If it was that simple I would leave no questions about it as the pain and I assume ever present memories/reminders going forward will be torture. I am wondering whether, based on the information I have given, there is a basis for going forward with the marriage. People do seem to think I am glossing over it or being too soft with him and that there is no way his remorse or guilt are honest. I know what he has done is the lowest of lows in a marriage, I'm feeling the pain. Maybe I am just in denial, though I've got one foot out the door...


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Fleticao12, this just happened. You guys went MC once, so far. That means nothing at this moment. Not until you have several sessions. Its common for someone to refuse MC after a session or a few of them. We did one session, but due to issues with availabilty - we didn't go for another few months.

How your WH is in a few months will be more telling. Since he went out for just SEX, that isn't very emotional and he may change his mind...

My WW and I been going to MC since May... My trust in her is pretty good. But when this mess started, it was months of crap and lies.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

Fleticao12 said:


> He vows never to do it again, owns his mistake and has not once justified it.





Fleticao12 said:


> He says it was just about experiencing sleeping with someone else, emotions never played into it. I spoke with her and verified his story...she said he was strange towards the end. He says it was a big ego, pride and selfishness driven mistake which was spurred on by not enough of us sleeping together


I count at least 2 justifications there.

First thing you gotta do is stop making excuses for him.

When and if you get to that point come back for Step 2.

I don't think the odds are good of this one working out for you, sorry.


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