# Wife's family still controls her after 23 years together



## mtnbiker (Dec 14, 2015)

I've been lurking on this site for about 2 months and now I need some advice.

My wife and I have been married 19 years and together for 20 plus years and are in our very early 40's (1 child). All in all we have a good marriage. The single issue we have been struggling with for the entire length of our relationship is the control my wife's family has over her; and her siblings as well.

The most frustrating part is that my wife thinks of me and our son first, until her family is involved. Then...something short circuits in her brain and she forgets we are around.

Here are a few examples from the last couple of months.

1. Two months ago, we were going to get together with her family for dinner. (we live in the same town) I worked my tail off so I could come home early and then we could go to the gathering together in the same car. I was 20 minutes from home and my wife calls to ask where I am. I told her I was a few minutes away and she replied..."ok well I'm leaving to go to my parents house see you when you get there". She could not even wait a few minutes for me to get home! I had really put in extra effort all day so that I would get home early....she just left me at home. When I got home, I was so irritated that i did not even go to the dinner. I ate at home alone.

When my wife arrived home later that night she could tell I was angry. When I asked why she could not have waited a few more minutes so we could drive together she said she simply did not even consider it.

2. This Saturday afternoon we had a date set for her to come up and visit me at work (we had planned to sneak away for some romance). I texted her in the middle of the day and she replied that she was hanging out with her family. I knew at that time that she would probably not show up for our date. I did not reminder her, as we had discussed our date the evening before. Well...the day came and went and she NEVER showed up!

When I got home from work, she was just arriving from hanging with her family. She acted like nothing happened. She wondered why I was angry. When I asked her why she didn't show up for our date, she said she thought we had changed plans! There was never any discussion of changing plans.

3. Whenever I want her to have an extra adult beverage so we can relax and enjoy some romance....she limits her drinking to one glass of wine. When her dad wants her to drink...she will put back multiple shots / beer / wine....whatever.....when I ask....its a NO.

I have been second fiddle to her parents most of our relationship. 

Her two siblings are in the same boat. One of her sisters is divorced and the parent / child relationship was a contributing factor.

So....what do I do? Is there anyway to get my wife to realize the issue? Do I just live with it? Anyone have any experience in the area?


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## MichelleR (Jan 6, 2016)

I think the spouse should come first. She's disrespecting you and not making you a priority. I assume you put her needs ahead of your parents'. Point that out to her and tell her how much it hurts you.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Why are you not speaking to her when things are happening vs. letting them play out until it's a fight?

_"ok well I'm leaving to go to my parents house see you when you get there"_

Actually wife, I would appreciate if you waited until I got home so we could go together. 

Or reminding her about the lunch date (had I talked to you and you hadn't mentioned it, I might think it was off too)

Her family does seen too involved but IMO you need to stop just waiting for things to happen so you can grump about them. Say it then and avoid the problem happening. 

Not going to her family's house because she left without you when you didn't even ask her or talk to her about it is passive aggressive IMO.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Have you ever really made your point on this known to her? Seriously known to her?


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## mtnbiker (Dec 14, 2015)

Thanks for the good advice SlowlyGoingCrazy,

I take the passive stance hoping she will come to her own realization that she is forgetting me.

I guess thats not effective behavior.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

mtnbiker said:


> I've been lurking on this site for about 2 months and now I need some advice.
> 
> My wife and I have been married 19 years and together for 20 plus years and are in our very early 40's (1 child). All in all we have a good marriage. The single issue we have been struggling with for the entire length of our relationship is the control my wife's family has over her; and her siblings as well.
> 
> ...


Tactical error. Makes you look weak to her and her family. Like you were pouting.

Instead, you should have gone, laughed about it, and next time...

"No, I don't want to go for dinner with your family. I'll have a boy's night out instead."



> When my wife arrived home later that night she could tell I was angry. When I asked why she could not have waited a few more minutes so we could drive together she said she simply did not even consider it.
> 
> 2. This Saturday afternoon we had a date set for her to come up and visit me at work (we had planned to sneak away for some romance). I texted her in the middle of the day and she replied that she was hanging out with her family. I knew at that time that she would probably not show up for our date. I did not reminder her, as we had discussed our date the evening before. Well...the day came and went and she NEVER showed up!
> 
> When I got home from work, she was just arriving from hanging with her family. She acted like nothing happened. She wondered why I was angry. When I asked her why she didn't show up for our date, she said she thought we had changed plans! There was never any discussion of changing plans.


Again, tactical error.

"Wife, you really dissapointed me by not showing up. You're really proving to me that your extended family is more important to you than your marriage."

And then go out and do something yourself without her.



> 3. Whenever I want her to have an extra adult beverage so we can relax and enjoy some romance....she limits her drinking to one glass of wine. When her dad wants her to drink...she will put back multiple shots / beer / wine....whatever.....when I ask....its a NO.


Don't try to force her to drink if she doesn't want to.

But feel free to ask her why she'll get loaded with her dad if he wants her to.



> I have been second fiddle to her parents most of our relationship.
> 
> Her two siblings are in the same boat. One of her sisters is divorced and the parent / child relationship was a contributing factor.
> 
> So....what do I do? Is there anyway to get my wife to realize the issue? Do I just live with it? Anyone have any experience in the area?


Stop pouting or being passive aggressive.

Find something to put a smile on your face without her. Beers with the boys (it's NFL playoffs), hit the gym, whatever.


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## mtnbiker (Dec 14, 2015)

Yes. It has been a well discussed issue...lately i have been taking the hands off approach. 

All of the adult children compete for their parents affection; each in their own way.

My wife usually keeps her distance from her family. Ever so often, she just fails to think when they are involved.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mtnbiker (Dec 14, 2015)

Thanks for the good advice. Very wise.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

It's not her family's entire fault. It's partially your wife. My estranged wife clearly puts all blood relations above all others, even her with me. If you ain't blood you ain't sh^it. Did you ever watch that awful show "Parenthood"? The Breverman family is like that. They are the world's biggest self entitled narcissists and everyone else is relegated to living on the fringes, in their orbit.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

mtnbiker said:


> I've been lurking on this site for about 2 months and now I need some advice.
> 
> My wife and I have been married 19 years and together for 20 plus years and are in our very early 40's (1 child). All in all we have a good marriage. The single issue we have been struggling with for the entire length of our relationship is the control my wife's family has over her; and her siblings as well.
> 
> ...


This whole post... you come off very passive-aggressive. It's not attractive to anyone. In the future, I would resolve to handle these situations directly, and politely. If you aren't telling her specifically what is wrong, she can't be expected to know anything is, or what to fix.

Try handling similar situations like this in the future:

1) "Hey, Wife, wait for me and we'll go over there together." If she's not receptive, just say "You really need to wait for me to get home." Don't use "I'd prefer it if..." Don't say "Please..." or "Would you." Use polite, but firm language that conveys what you expect out of her.

2) "Okay Wife, I'll see you here at the office at ___!" would have likely fixed that problem. If she says "Oh, I told my family I'd go hang out with them" say "Well, you'd better call them back and tell them you'll have to take a raincheck. I gotta run, see you at ___!"

3) You might ask her why. Just don't be pouty, angry or passive-aggressive when you do. "Hey, I was wondering _____; why is that?" Don't make her drink with you if she doesn't want to.

I think if you're actually playing second fiddle, a lot of it is on you. You need to communicate your needs / wants / frustrations. (without being frustrated when you do it) And you need to "Assume the close" as we say in sales. Don't leave things open ended.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

mtnbiker said:


> 3. Whenever I want her to have an extra adult beverage so we can relax and enjoy some romance....she limits her drinking to one glass of wine. When her dad wants her to drink...she will put back multiple shots / beer / wine....whatever.....when I ask....its a NO.


If someone doesn't want to drink more, I don't think it's a good idea to try to pressure them. You or her father....


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

mtnbiker said:


> So....what do I do? Is there anyway to get my wife to realize the issue? Do I just live with it? Anyone have any experience in the area?


The "princess" factor.
Nothing you can do about it, everything she has been raised and formed in revolves around that central principle.

As for you, you are just another case of "accessorize husband", like the spare pair of shoes, you are worn when it's your turn, and back in the closet disregarded until the next time you're needed for a function.
The thing with the family is probably not the only example of this, if you look around "your" home. More than likely your real role is to be the adoring working class, to provide princess with resources and adoration for her homecraft, public appearances, and wonderful acts of art and/or charity.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

ReidWright said:


> If someone doesn't want to drink more, I don't think it's a good idea to try to pressure them. You or her father....


I agree with this. You don't force your wife to drink more than she wants to with you. Maybe, she drinks more with daddy because she feels that he will take care of her if anything happens. Have you gotten mad with her in the past if she drank too much?

I agree with the rest of the guys, stop being P/A with her. Be straight forward if she does something you don't like. If you made plans, just a quick check in to made sure you are on the same page, does not hurt anyone. 

Also, start doing stuff on your own. As women we don't want our H's hanging on to us all the time. When you don't want to attend her family gathering let her know. Stop pouting and being the suffering husband. Tell your wife what you would put up with and how you expect her to act. You need her to put you and your son first. That means she consults with you before making plans and going off with out you. Tell her exactly what you want and need in order for your marriage to be functional and happy.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

IMHO, you allow yourself to play second fiddle to your wife's family. When your wife called you earlier in the day about spending time with her family, you should have asked her if she decided to cancel your lunch date that was discussed the previous night. Now you could have taken this chance to game her with some PUA tactics and tell her that you will just go ahead and have lunch with the some pretty little thing from the office - or you could dispense with the games and tell her in your honest opinion that you do not appreciate being screwed over by these last second plan changes, and that you two need to figure out where this marriage is going.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

brooklynAnn said:


> I agree with this. You don't force your wife to drink more than she wants to with you. Maybe, she drinks more with daddy because she feels that he will take care of her if anything happens.


I didn't read it as forcing. more a case of crack open a bottle (dinner/after work/quiet evening). She has one glass... but that's only half a bottle between two, they're chillin' have another? no...

But the real point is the contrast.

Emperor Daddy says, drink kitten, so she does.
Simply because that's her world, and she plays her role like a good princess. Not because she's more secure in her dad's home than her own, but because her family follows orders.
Wouldn't be surprised to find she has Aries in one of her principle signs (they tend to be sticklers for tradition and "laws"), with strong Saturn or Jupiter elements in 4th house.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

spotthedeaddog said:


> I didn't read it as forcing. more a case of crack open a bottle (dinner/after work/quiet evening). She has one glass... but that's only half a bottle between two, they're chillin' have another? no...
> 
> But the real point is the contrast.
> 
> ...



Probably not "forcing" her but insisting. 

My sign is Virgo, what does that say about me? >


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

@mtnbiker, how often does she see/hang out with her family? Is this a weekly thing or a once a month type situation? 

Do you have a good relationship with them? Are you treated as part of the family?


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

spotthedeaddog said:


> Wouldn't be surprised to find she has Aries in one of her principle signs (they tend to be sticklers for tradition and "laws"), with strong Saturn or Jupiter elements in 4th house.


OT but what is that supposed to mean?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

mtnbiker said:


> Thanks for the good advice SlowlyGoingCrazy,
> 
> I take the passive stance
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Here's your problem. You can't do this in a marriage. If you've been passive for 20 years, why would it ever change?

If you say nothing, how do I know my NORMAL behavior is unacceptable to you?


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## mtnbiker (Dec 14, 2015)

Lila...

She hangs out witb them a few times a month..we live close by.
I am kept at arms length because i am not a "yes man".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mtnbiker (Dec 14, 2015)

Phillybeefandswiss,

I dont normal take a passive stance...i did in this instance. Clearly that was not the correct choice. My reasoning was i wanted her to come to her own realization that she had made a mistake.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Well, if you put up with it for 20 years there is nothing you can do now. Sorry, if it never changed in two decades, I don't believe it was only "in this instance."


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

mtnbiker said:


> Lila...
> 
> She hangs out witb them a few times a month..we live close by.
> *I am kept at arms length* because i am not a "yes man".
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Okay, so this makes much more sense now. You and her family don't see eye to eye so to you it seems like she's making 'the enemy' the priority. 

Does she stand you up on dates in lieu of spending time with her family often or is this a one off situation?

Do you question her loyalty to you? Do you think her parents are trying to break up your marriage because they don't like you?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Runs like Dog said:


> Did you ever watch that awful show "Parenthood"? The Breverman family is like that. They are the world's biggest self entitled narcissists and everyone else is relegated to living on the fringes, in their orbit.


That's my inlaws to a tee!!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Be as safe or as interesting as her family. That should draw her to you.

Or move to a different state.

I would avoid ultimatums. My brother gave his wife an ultimatum after nearly 30 years: your mother or me. She chose her mother.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

jld said:


> Be as safe or as interesting as her family. That should draw her to you.
> 
> Or move to a different state.
> 
> ...


Oh my God!!! :surprise:

What a pathetic woman!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

frusdil said:


> Oh my God!!! :surprise:
> 
> What a pathetic woman!


Well, if you knew my brother . . . 

He had not worked in a number of years, and was extremely controlling. I think she said he had abruptly gone off his medications for some mental issues, too.

In any case, I think it is risky to use an ultimatum. Jmo, OP.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

jld said:


> Well, if you knew my brother . . .
> 
> He had not worked in a number of years, and was extremely controlling. I think she said he had abruptly gone off his medications for some mental issues, too.
> 
> In any case, I think it is risky to use an ultimatum. Jmo, OP.


Ah ok...now THAT makes more sense...now I understand.


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