# Has anyone read "When Good People Have Affairs"?



## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Curious if anyone has read When Good People Have Affairs. My wife is the WS and she is looking for something "less demonizing" towards the WS. I can understand this because a lot of the material recommended on this forum is more useful to the BS.

Any opions on that title from this group? I did a search of this forum and did not find it.




Side note......I have read Not Just Friends and thought it was pretty good for me as the BS. Probably also good for the WS as far as rebuilding topics.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

why dont u give us a cliff notes version of the book.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

I haven't read either of those, but one of the best books that I feel gives just as much to the WS as well as the BS is "Surviving an Affair". It deals with both spouses equally as reasons to why affairs happen, in my opinion. I would strongly suggest it. If you do a search or even read up on it at Amazon.com, I think you would find it extremely helpful for understanding what caused the affair as well as giving great steps to rebuild.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

If it's a big thick heavy book can i borrow it to whap my H upside the head with?


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

As I recall "When Good People Have Affairs" breaks affairs into something like 7 types. It then goes on to talk about what motivates each type and how to potentially recover based on that typology. So for example, one was the "exit affair" where the WS basically wants to get caught and kicked out. 

I like a lot of the author's work, Mira Kirschbaum. Her theories are well thought out and based on both research and her long term clinical practice. But in the end, it broke complex relationships into 7 (?) 'piles' and I don't necessarily think that always works as neatly as we'd like.

I think her best work by far though is "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay". It's a great way to evaluate relationships without an endless series of checklists and scales.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Lilyana said:


> If it's a big thick heavy book can i borrow it to whap my H upside the head with?


I know of a good toothbrush if you need to clean your pooches teeth


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

AppleDucklings said:


> I know of a good toothbrush if you need to clean your pooches teeth


Now, now...you're going to get the bristles all bent and give the whole game away!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I haven't read this book but have heard it's very good.

What are the 7 types of affairs?

Ok...found them:

_Affairs are loaded with romanticism, morality, mythology, and intense emotions. They're not really about sex, but about pain and fear and the desire to feel alive. They're also about betrayal. Most people enter marriage believing they would never have an affair. A great many of them have one or more affairs. Before you can decide what to do with the affair in your life you need to know what it means. These are the different types of affairs: 

Conflict Avoidance Affair

Affair Conflict Avoiders are nice ?? they're terrified to be anything but nice, for fear that conflict will lead to abandonment or losing control. They don't have a way to stand up to each other when there's a problem, so they can't resolve their difference and the marriage erodes. An "equal opportunity" affair. 

Intimacy Avoidance Affair

Affair Intimacy Avoiders are frightened of getting too close, so they keep the barriers high between them. Conflict is one barrier, affairs are another. Their emotional connection with each other is through frequent and intense conflict. Often, each spouse becomes involved in an affair. These couples are the mirror opposite of the Conflict Avoiders. 

Sexual Addiction Affair

Sexual Addicts use sex over and over again to numb inner pain and emptiness, much like alcoholics use alcohol. Among married people, men are sexual addicts more often than women. 

Split Self Affair 

The Split Selves have tried to do marriage right. Both spouses have sacrificed their own feelings and needs to take care of others, and the deprivation has caught up with one of them. The affair is serious, long-term and passionate. The spouse who is having the affair focuses on deciding between the marriage and the affair partner and avoids looking at the inner split. Most often this is a man's affair, but that may be changing.

Exit Affair

Affair Exiters are Conflict Avoiders at heart, but they take it further. One spouse has already decided to leave the marriage and the affair provides the justification. The other partner usually blames the affair rather than looking at how their marriage got to this point. Another "equal opportunity" affair._
http://www.affairs-help.com/types.html


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> I know of a good toothbrush if you need to clean your pooches teeth


I dont have a pooch. but i need to clean the toilet!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ok wait now I saw the author lists 17 affairs. Anyone care to find/post?


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

if you haven't already google "book review when good people have affairs" you will find a ton of reviews and possibly even download links from file share sites.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

Hey Pit:

where'd ya get that kewl avatar from? was it easy/easier
to do than the last time i looked at trying one of them/those?

tks.

cb45


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yeah, Pits...what is your avatar of???


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

That book sounds like something I should order..sounds very interesting.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

cb45 said:


> Hey Pit:
> 
> where'd ya get that kewl avatar from? was it easy/easier
> to do than the last time i looked at trying one of them/those?
> ...


I made it. I usta make avatars for people. It was kinda a hobby. I still have a big collection of thousands of images I cut into avatars.... ONly trick here is getting them under the max file size for the forum.



Jellybeans said:


> Yeah, Pits...what is your avatar of???


A man standing in the rain /thunder storm with his hands streched to the sky... I liked the idea of the image, it fit where I was in my journey through this mess... The actual image is a splice from the movie "shawshank redemption"


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ Well I can tell ti's a man in the rain with arms outstretched... LOL... I just didn't know if it was from a movie or something. 

Mine is of... Jellybeans. Don't laugh. You might not have figured it out if I didn't share! LOL


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Woops posted too fast... haha I see it was Shawshank now (sinec you wrote that). I do so love that movie!


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> ^ Well I can tell ti's a man in the rain with arms outstretched... Mine is of... Jellybeans. Don't laugh. You might not have figured it out if I didn't share! LOL


touche.

lol.


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## myname (May 2, 2011)

I read the book, 
I have had 2 affairs on my husband and he has forgiven me both, my last affair happened for several months, my husband works overseas and does not live at home, hasnt for 4 years, 
the book explains different reasons for affairs and causes, I had fit into one of the types and it explained why I did it and helped me to not do it again, which I can say the book did not save or stop e from having them but it explained , along with therapy the reasons to stop having them


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

I'm checking the book our from the library, will let you know what I think in a few weeks!

Pit... always love your avi. Feel like I'm crawling through that river of $#!t and hoping to come out clean on the other side. Looking forward to that moment!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

The only people who've read that I gather are the ones not cheating.


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