# I'm confused, please help



## Maia (Aug 28, 2011)

Hi,

I have been really unhappy in the last year. I got married last summer. 
I am really confused about my feelings and what I want to do with my life. I am always stressed out and nervous and it's hard for me to enjoy my life.
I feel sometimes that the reason for that is my husband. I feel that we are mismatched.
I am only 26 years old and my husband never wants to have sex with me. We have been together for about 3 and half years. The first year was good. But after we moved in together, I found out he likes to drink. He smokes a lot and it really bothers me. He never initialize sex. If I don't mention it, we never have sex, and when I do he says he's tired and tries to avoid it. But sometimes he agrees. I feel unwanted and undesired. 
I wasn't happy at the time of our wedding day and all I could think about was my ex-boyfriend who I loved with all my heart.
I reminded myself not to say his name by accident so many that day. The truth is that I still love him very much, I miss him so much and I want my ex-boyfriend as my husband. I won't go into details but my relationship with my ex-boyfriend was very complicated and non-commit at times.
I was so unhappy about 4 months into our marriage, that I contacted my ex via email. Me and my ex have been in touch ever since. for over 6 months now. I have told him every thing that I feel and about my husband's drinking issues at times. Also, I stopped sleeping for months and started to take sleeping pills. At that time I contacted my ex. 
Lately, my ex have stopped answering my emails. It hurts me that he did that.He did answered and I probably will talk to him next week. My ex lives in a different country than me and I have not met him. We talk via email, skype, phone but not face to face.
My husband is a good guy, he works hard and I know he loves me. He loves me more than I love him. I know this. He treats me very well. He does drink but beer usually and on every other weekend or so. But he does like to drink and to get drunk. It really bothers me that he likes it. We had a lot of fights over his past drinking habits and incidents. 
I have a lot of anger in me towards me husband and life. I feel so unhappy. And bad for hurting people I care about it. I feel like I am stuck between my ex and husband. 
but my ex has my heart but he never wanted to have a committed relationship with me. 

What do you think I should do? Should I leave my husband?

Thanks for you advice.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Stop involving your ex who you've never even met. Stop talking to him altogether. Tell your husband how you are feeling...be totally honest with him. Get marriage counselling. Find a solution. Do you love him at all?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maia (Aug 28, 2011)

I do care about him. I did try to talk to him so many times. But he doesn't understand me and thinks I am just over emotional. I cannot be totally honest with him, since it'll hurt him. I cannot tell him about my ex cause that's just too painful and mean to do to him. I didn't cheat on him or did anything like that. About the ex, yes I know I should stop talking to him and will stop.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Maia said:


> I do care about him. .


That's not what I asked. I asked "Do you love him?"



Maia said:


> I cannot be totally honest with him, since it'll hurt him..


If you can't be honest with your own husband, you have a lot bigger problems than you think.



Maia said:


> I cannot tell him about my ex cause that's just too painful and mean to do to him.


You are lying to him by ommission. If you know it's wrong, stop it. 

Either work on your marriage or get a divoce. Those are your two options.


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

Maia said:


> I do care about him. I did try to talk to him so many times. But he doesn't understand me and thinks I am just over emotional. I cannot be totally honest with him, since it'll hurt him. I cannot tell him about my ex cause that's just too painful and mean to do to him. I didn't cheat on him or did anything like that. About the ex, yes I know I should stop talking to him and will stop.


Actually you *are* cheating. Why would you want to go back to a relationship that has already been shown to be messed up with an unavailable man?? If things don't work out the 1st time, it's highly unlikely they would the 2nd time. 

If you can't be honest with you husband and you've been sneaking around, this relationship isn't going to work either. 

You need to address YOUR issues and find out what is going on with you that caused you to cheat on a man you married. If you don't love him........then you should let him go. If you love him, be honest and tell him what you've done. It's the only way you can start on the right path.


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## Maia (Aug 28, 2011)

I am not cheating on him. I don't come home drunk like him. I don't show up at 3 in the morning wasted. I turned to my ex as a friend, as support.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Then leave, why do you stay then. No kids, only 3 years, leave.


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## Maia (Aug 28, 2011)

I am confused and know that I need to work on my self. But please don't picture my husband as a saint. How do u know who's he been with when he came back drunk?


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

Maia said:


> I am not cheating on him. I don't come home drunk like him. I don't show up at 3 in the morning wasted. I turned to my ex as a friend, as support.


Yes you are cheating, if you are hiding parts of this "friendship" with your ex. If you are saying and doing things with your ex that you are hiding from your husband it is cheating. Don't kid yourself. We can't fix what we refuse to acknowledge and the first step is owning what we are really doing. I've had to learn some hard lessons of my own regarding this. 

It doesn't sound like your ex is a good guy anyway, he wouldn't commit and you married this new guy for the wrong reasons, and he has a drinking problem and you don't trust him. So you need to look at yourself and why you are getting yourself into relationships that aren't good for you. Instead of looking at yourself you are casting blame on others. Try not to be defensive, open your mind and at least think about these things. Something inside of you is broken, or else you wouldn't be seeking out unhealthy relationships. We are often victims of ourselves. Been there, done this myself. 

It's not easy but it necessary to look hard inside ourselves sometimes.


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## Maia (Aug 28, 2011)

Thanks your replies. I know that I have a problem. I think I am trying to solve it and put myself first and love myself more. My ex hurt me a lot and it's been hard for me to deal. but it's getting better.


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