# Daughters wedding a cause for argument!



## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

We never fight EVER, but the storm clouds are brewing in the horizon. My second to oldest just got engaged! With wedding bells in the air the discussion came up about how much I'm willing to spend?

IDK what to say, but I'm not onboard. Call me non traditional, skewed by experience, or maybe even cheap, but paying 10K for a wedding is ludicrous to me.... let alone 20K or 30k. With the divorce rate high, my own wedding cost about 1k total, and most of our friends either eloped or had something really small...... I just can't get behind it!

My wife and I have about $2250/mo left over for pure discretionary income after investements etc etc. I dont want to spend 4+ months worth of savings for a 1 day event. 

Anyone have any experience with this? How did you and your spouse come to a happy medium? 

As for what I wish? I wish they would just elope and I'll pay for a honeymoon! Niether are spiritual, so I even question why rush to be legally joined at the hip, and again with the divorce rate at 50% investing in a wedding is just :scratchhead::scratchhead: to me!


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Truth is the divorce rate might be 50% or even a bit higher but the true rate of failed marriages, including those that stay intact "for the kids" or "because of finances" or "because they're afraid of starting over" is probably well over 85-90%

Talk it over with your wife, forget about quoting divorce rates, talk about how you've got limited financial resources, you're approaching retirement age, your daughter and her soon to be spouse have a lifetime ahead of them to earn lots of money. Pick a number, and tell her that's what she's getting. Forget about bringing up the divorce possibility as a reason to give her less. Just tell her you're prepared to give her XX number of dollars for her wedding, congratulations, live long and prosper. Stay positive. The negativity won't make it any better.

I'll probably give my daughter $5000 for her wedding next year. I won't be mentioning the current divorce rates. I didn't talk it over with my spouse because I'm no longer married. My guess is that she'd have said "let's give her 4x that much" and we'd have another blowout. Ironically enough, my exspouse probably won't even attend our daughter's wedding but I digress.

As a father, it's what we do. They'll use the money. Even if the marriage ultimately fails.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

It's about supporting your daughter and being there for her.

Yes some people may feel the money would be better spent elsewhere, but this really is about your daughter.

I would want to give my daughter an awesome gift. It doesn't have to be 20k, just what you can afford.

Don't steal her joy.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Give her what you could afford. If her and her fiance want a expensive wedding....tell them to start saving.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Contribute whatever you feel comfortable contributing, and she and her fiance can determine what kind of wedding they feel comfortable with based on their own contributions plus yours. If they have no money to contribute, then they have all the time in the world to save up for the kind of wedding they want to pay for.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Does it matter if its $5k or $20k, why are you footing the bill for their wedding?

Would they not benefit from saving together to pay for their own celebration?

I would love to give my kids a good start in their adult lives I think that any spare family money would be better spent paying down their student loans early or if that is already done maybe something towards a deposit for their first home.

Then again I have never seen the point of spending $k's on a wedding.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Are they living together? How old are they? 

Really, today a large portion of couples pay for their own wedding. Family can gift them some $$, offer to pay for a certain portion. 

Give them $X as a gift. Tell them that they can spend it as they choose, on the wedding, or honeymoon or towards the down payment on a house. Then if they want anything more than that it's up to them to foot the bill.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

People should not have weddings they can't aford. Assuming they are adults your daughter and fiancé need to plan according to their budget. If they want a fancy wedding then they should move their wedding date. Your wife needs to butt out ifthe planning if its affecting your relationship. What example is she giving your daughter? 

Give what you can, tell daughter ahead of time the amount so she can budget. If she goes overboard don't save her and give in. That's what marriage is for, to learn together and solve problems together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

*LittleDeer* said:


> It's about supporting your daughter and being there for her.
> 
> Yes some people may feel the money would be better spent elsewhere, but this really is about your daughter.
> 
> ...


I dont think he is stealing her joy. Dad can't afford what she and mommy want, she's an adult not a child. I think people lose sight of the significance of the marriage ceremony. What's important is that you are marring the person you love, and sharing the moment with friends and family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Also, she can save a lot from shopping online, budgeting helps you become extra creative and flexible. Now days there is so much competition and DIY website if she looks well enough she can save alot of money. There are websites where you can get free decorations from other brides and make a few modifications. eBay and amazon should be her new best friends.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

One one hand you refer to the money as discretionary income.
On the next hand you refer to it as savings.
If you do not spend the money, what is it going to be used for?
Also, why do you refer to it as "your money"? Why not "our money"?

I think the divorce rate is a silly reason to justify not paying for your daughter's wedding. I think what you teach your children about life and marriage in general has a lot more to do with their willingness to divorce than the divorce rate itself.

I think it's beyond stupid to discourage your daughter from legally getting married to avoid a divorce. A long term relationship, producing children etc... It's in your daughter's and your eventual grandchildren's best interest to have a legal marriage, even in a divorce scenario.

But the answer to your question is that you should talk to your wife, understand her feelings on this, communcate and show your wife what sacrifices or impact this spending would have on your present or future lives, andcome to a mutual agreement with your wife.


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## betulanana (Jul 20, 2013)

I think it depends on a lot of things such as 

* Culture - are expensive marriages the norm or the exception in that culture? Is it the norm in that culture that the father pays for the daughters wedding? Which purpose does the marriage serve in that culture? Is it only a special day or does it also serve the purpose of giving the child that will be born into that marriage a certain social position? Will the family members "lose their face" if the marriage is not expensive enough?
* Social class - same here
* How big the family is - how many guest will be there? Is there a social norm that second degree relatives should be invited too? Do they live nearby or do they need to be housed?
* How many days will the celebrations take? how many days are expected by that class / culture?
* Is the couple expected to give presents to their guest?
* Does the daughter have a college education you paid for? If no - may be the marriage should be more expensive

It depends on a lot of things and to my mind it is very hard for someone who does not know your families background to answer the question.

May be you could ask your daughter to ask her guest to give her money instead of presents and that could cover part of the expenses.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

My kids want destination weddings. Big thing here. They (one boy - one girl) think spending huge money on one day is crazy. If I have $20,000 to shell out, they would like it as down payment on a house. I like their way of thinking! But each to his own! i just couldnt be on board with wasting that money for one day. I dont even know how i would compromise. My little ones dont' care (boys 2 and 5), they just want to marry mom!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

betulanana said:


> I think it depends on a lot of things such as
> 
> * Culture - are expensive marriages the norm or the exception in that culture? Is it the norm in that culture that the father pays for the daughters wedding? Which purpose does the marriage serve in that culture? Is it only a special day or does it also serve the purpose of giving the child that will be born into that marriage a certain social position? *Will the family members "lose their face" if the marriage is not expensive enough?*
> ** Social class - same here*
> ...


:scratchhead:


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## betulanana (Jul 20, 2013)

mablenc said:


> :scratchhead:


Why are you scratching your head?
Cultures and social classes differ.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I've thought about this thread and my answer is no way could I spend the equivalent to a downpayment on a house or a modest car on ONE DAY. Not sure how my husband feels about it but I think I'd be okay kicking in somewhere in the $5-10k range but that's as high as I'm going. Period end of story. 

If my two girls want more than that THEY can pay for it.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I think as a culture in The United Staes, we are bombarded with television shows that go to the extremes, and many younger people start to believe that that is the norm. Shows with the super extreme Sweet 16 parties where 20k + is dropped on the party, how many wedding shows where a 5-10k dress is low end? For a dress that will be worn once, then hang in a closet. I mean really!

My STBW and I, second marriage for both of us, are going to drop about 2-3k on our wedding...we are taking a vacation to Vegas and are going to spend it all on ourselves. Any family or friends who want to come...have at it, but pay your own way


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

betulanana said:


> Why are you scratching your head?
> Cultures and social classes differ.


Regardless of the culture you have to stick to what you can afford. Also asking relatives and friends to foot in the bill because you want an extravagant wedding is tacky.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

mablenc said:


> Regardless of the culture you have to stick to what you can afford. Also asking relatives and friends to foot in the bill because you want an extravagant wedding is tacky.



I agree with the above. Some of the most beautiful weddings I have been too were weddings that did not cost a lot of money. It's not just weddings that people go overboard on. When my daughter was in high school, there were some parents that would spend thousands of dollars on the prom. One couple rented a helicopter to take their daughter and her date to the prom. It's ridiculous in my opinion.


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## betulanana (Jul 20, 2013)

mablenc said:


> Regardless of the culture you have to stick to what you can afford. Also asking relatives and friends to foot in the bill because you want an extravagant wedding is tacky.


In my culture and class it is very common to have a big wedding (paid for by the brides father - he will insist on this). A lot of couples do ask their guest to give you money presents which are used to pay him back.

Yeah, I am so sorry to have a tacky culture that offends other people. Guess we really have to change.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Sit the couple down and ask them what they are planning. How can you say no when you don't have the answers? My daughters engagement was longer so it gave me more time to afford more for her wedding (I was a single mom then). I paid for her complete dress (4,000) but it was spread out over more than a year. He father paid about 6,000 for the venue. The kids paid for the DJ, photo's, church and many things not listed here. When I look at them now after a year, I pray with all my heart that theirs is a marriage that lasts forever. I guess I'm just mushy when it comes to my daughter.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

My daughter is 25, and she told me she and her fiance will foot the bill for their own wedding. They know we can't afford anything lavish, and would prefer a down payment on a home as a gift or us paying for the honeymoon. We have NO problems with this arrangement. She's my oldest and only daughter and she's a smart cookie. 

I don't think it wise to go into debt for a wedding. I understand wanting to give something special to your child and all, but the reality is, we have less time to recover from such a big financial hit than she does.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

OhGeesh said:


> My wife and I have about $2250/mo left over for pure discretionary income after investements etc etc. I dont want to spend 4+ months worth of savings for a 1 day event.
> 
> Anyone have any experience with this? How did you and your spouse come to a happy medium?


This is pure discretionary income for you? Seems selfish to me that you don't want to bless your daughter with a decent contribution to her wedding. You look at it as "a one day event". You should look at it spread out over a 50 year marriage- $10K is $200 per year. 

A wedding is not just a one day event. It is the combining of two families. My husband insists our daughters have weddings as this is our opportunity to meet and connect with the people who are going to be her inlaws- the other grandparents, aunts, and uncles to OUR grandchildren!

We have 5 daughters and they each get $6K toward their wedding. Some have been able to have a wedding for half that and pocket the rest. Some have wanted a fancier wedding and spent double that and came up with the rest themselves. 

If you have the wedding in a church hall with no alcohol and family or friend catered treats the entire thing can be very reasonable. The one area not to skimp IMO is the photography because the pictures are the forever record of the "one day".


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

betulanana said:


> In my culture and class it is very common to have a big wedding (paid for by the brides father - he will insist on this). A lot of couples do ask their guest to give you money presents which are used to pay him back.
> 
> Yeah, I am so sorry to have a tacky culture that offends other people. Guess we really have to change.


Please, don't twist my words, for one its obvious the OP is not insisting to pay for the wedding, second, I never said a culture was tacky or offended anyone. The fact that a couple wants to burden people because they want something they can't afford is wrong. If its the culture to help the couple with money for their wedding that's one thing. To ask people for money instead of gifts puts them in a difficult position as many times thier gift may be more sentimental and now they have to give more money than was planned.

Putting it in more simple words, you should be "reasonable" when it come to budgeting for weddings.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

Expensive weddings are for people who really can afford them. If your daughter wants an expensive wedding, tell her you are willing to chip in X amount and then the rest is on her and fiance. I would also encourage your daughter to realize that the perfect wedding can be less costly. My wedding cost $2000 with a full buffet for 100 people. How you might ask could I fit everything in that budget? By getting dresses and other things on sale and by doing the whole wedding without a planner. That's what friends are for!


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## betulanana (Jul 20, 2013)

mablenc said:


> Please, don't twist my words, for one its obvious the OP is not insisting to pay for the wedding, second, I never said a culture was tacky or offended anyone. The fact that a couple wants to burden people because they want something they can't afford is wrong. If its the culture to help the couple with money for their wedding that's one thing. To ask people for money instead of gifts puts them in a difficult position as many times thier gift may be more sentimental and now they have to give more money than was planned.
> 
> Putting it in more simple words, you should be "reasonable" when it come to budgeting for weddings.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry. I think I was being a little bit *****y here. Sorry again...

but back to my argument: What I wanted to say was that the option "Let's just have a nice little wedding... just the two of us and some friends" does not exist in some cultures and classes, because in some cultures / classes you have to invite every 11th cousin twice removed and his wife and his nine children and you have to house them and feed them for at least three days... and if you don't do it everybody will be offended.
So it is reasonable for the couple to do this as they are just living up to the expectations... and I think that in a case like this the brides father should pay an amount of money for the wedding.

That'S whay I meant with "It depends on the culture".


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

betulanana said:


> Sorry. I think I was being a little bit *****y here. Sorry again...
> 
> but back to my argument: What I wanted to say was that the option "Let's just have a nice little wedding... just the two of us and some friends" does not exist in some cultures and classes, because in some cultures / classes you have to invite every 11th cousin twice removed and his wife and his nine children and you have to house them and feed them for at least three days... and if you don't do it everybody will be offended.
> So it is reasonable for the couple to do this as they are just living up to the expectations... and I think that in a case like this the brides father should pay an amount of money for the wedding.
> ...



Thanks ok, yeah understand that there are expectations and your right, somepeople can't get away with a small wedding.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

The big problem (as we've seen REPEATEDLY here on TAM) is that people put all this thought, effort, hopes, etc. into the WEDDING and jack-diddly into the MARRIAGE!

Since you abhor the high-divorce rates, why not tie how much money you're willing to put towards their wedding to how much EFFORT they're willing to put into their marriage.

Have a top-end figure in-mind (that you & wife agree to). Let's say it's $10K.

Tell them if they read His Needs/Her Needs - you'll kick in $2.5K.
If they read The Five Love Languages - you'll kick in $2.5K.
If they go to couples counseling for 6 months before the wedding - you'll kick in $5K.

Note: If they meet all 3 requirements, you will be kicking in your max. contribution of $10K AND you will know that they have got a GOOD start on a healthy marriage (or, they'll decide they're not right for each other and save everybody a heartache).

...just a thought...


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> The big problem (as we've seen REPEATEDLY here on TAM) is that people put all this thought, effort, hopes, etc. into the WEDDING and jack-diddly into the MARRIAGE!
> 
> Since you abhor the high-divorce rates, why not tie how much money you're willing to put towards their wedding to how much EFFORT they're willing to put into their marriage.
> 
> ...


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## captainstormy (Jun 15, 2012)

I just got married in early June so this is all very fresh to me. 

My wife and I actually thought it was really silly to spend a huge pile of money on a wedding.

Our original plan was to do a very small ceremony in a church (regular church clothes, no crazy decorations) with just us and our parents around then do a back yard BBQ type of reception. Maybe 2 grand spent total. Mostly on food and drinks.

Her mother freaked out about that and talked her into doing a huge fancy wedding. The in laws are fairly well off so they paid for the huge wedding. 

They ended up shelling out 22K when all was said and done. 

Crazy if you ask me. 

We never asked them for the money, but they wanted us to have a large wedding with lots of family and we weren't opposed to the idea just too cheap to do it ourselves. 

I saw give your daughter whatever you want.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Blonde said:


> This is pure discretionary income for you? Seems selfish to me that you don't want to bless your daughter with a decent contribution to her wedding. You look at it as "a one day event". You should look at it spread out over a 50 year marriage- $10K is $200 per year.
> 
> A wedding is not just a one day event. It is the combining of two families. My husband insists our daughters have weddings as this is our opportunity to meet and connect with the people who are going to be her inlaws- the other grandparents, aunts, and uncles to OUR grandchildren!
> 
> ...


You bring up valid points! If they would have done it "right" or at least what I percieve as right it would be much easier to swallow. 

*Neither has a degree or a trade
*The jobs they have are not permanent career type jobs
*They live in a apartment
*They save little and are often in need of bailing out
*Neither have newer cars both over 125K miles

So, for me like a few others I would be onboard paying for college, in fact that would be my first choice. Even pay off debt or to help with a house, but on a wedding just sits funny! Her excuse for 2 years regarding school has been* "I don't know what I want to do, so why go now? I know I need to, but it has to be on my terms when I'm ready!"*

While my wife is more willing to cave and say fine here is 10K towards a wedding I just cannot feel good about it. If they both finished college, had been together for years, if there was some essence of a plan going forward than YES! I feel like the money should be used elsewhere than a one day event.

As far as two family's becoming one........maybe in some cultures, but really it ends up being a few holidays and that's it doesn't it? Especially when each family is at such different life stages. His parents are in their late 60's my wife and I are 20 years younger. Her fiancee has sisters older than us.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> The big problem (as we've seen REPEATEDLY here on TAM) is that people put all this thought, effort, hopes, etc. into the WEDDING and jack-diddly into the MARRIAGE!
> 
> Since you abhor the high-divorce rates, why not tie how much money you're willing to put towards their wedding to how much EFFORT they're willing to put into their marriage.
> 
> ...


That's awesome!! Maybe at to that wait 2 years and I would be onboard it's been months lol.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I assume that they are in their early 20's? How long have they been together?

They should have a wedding that matches the social economic level they chose to live in. 

Now if they get married, if they are under 24 they will both be able to get financial aid, to include Pel Grants, etc. 

I hear a lot of young people saying that about college... they don't want to go because they don't know what they want to do. the first 2 years are general studies so they would have 2 years to find out what they want to do.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

*Neither has a degree or a trade
*The jobs they have are not permanent career type jobs
*They live in a apartment
*They save little and are often in need of bailing out
*Neither have newer cars both over 125K miles

Wow, seems like this couple should be focusing in things other than a big wedding. Such as long term goals. What are they going to do the day after the wedding? Seems a bit immature of them to want a wedding they can't afford. I would try to offer to pay your daughter "trade training" at least. (I know you would like more from her)
The economy is not getting any better and now a high school diploma won't get you as far as it did before. And it seems she likes the the "fancy or more expensive" things in life, you can't be Santa Clause your whole life. I'm surprised your wife is on board with this, seems like "the cheese stands alone" (you) 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

So your daughter is making a hasty and ill-advised decision to marry (for the rest of her life), even though she doesn't know what to do with herself enough to go to college. 

I can see why you are not supportive of $$$$$ for a wedding. I wouldn't be supportive of the marriage, period. But I know you can't tell young people they're being short-sighted and stupid about their lives. They won't listen and just become more firmly entrenched in their course.

Pay what you feel comfortable with. And tell her she and her fiance can come up with the rest, and if they can't, then that's a sign they need to wait until they can afford to get married.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> They should have a wedding that matches the social economic level they chose to live in.


I like this.

That puts them in the $6k range and that's being conservative.

Now that I have the details about the happy couple this is the MOST I'd pay and I'd be upfront about why too.

They may be young and stupid but I sure wouldn't pay for it. LOL


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> A wedding is not just a one day event. It is the combining of two families. My husband insists our daughters have weddings as this is our opportunity to meet and connect with the people who are going to be her inlaws- the other grandparents, aunts, and uncles to OUR grandchildren!


That could happen at a picnic with food cooked from Sam's Club though. Meeting and greeting people isn't contingent on how expensive the dress is, the band is, the limo rental, or the extravagance of the bouquet.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

OhGeesh said:


> As far as two family's becoming one........maybe in some cultures, but really it ends up being a few holidays and that's it doesn't it? Especially when each family is at such different life stages. His parents are in their late 60's my wife and I are 20 years younger. Her fiancee has sisters older than us.


The two families are united/tied regardless how much you have in common or ever see each other. You will share grandchildren some day.

In our case, the daughter who wanted to elope and my husband said "no, we are having a wedding", her fiance is from another state thousands of miles from us and the young couple lives in a state in the middle 600 miles from us. H's reasoning is that we are uniting these two families through this young couple and *the wedding is the only time we will probably ever even meet most of them*.

So it gives us a context when our daughter talks about and goes to to visit her inlaws. They are not total strangers, a total unknown for us.

For you, sounds like the future inlaws are local? We have those with another daughter and no, we don't hang out with them a lot. But they are and always will be a huge part of dd's life.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

OhGeesh said:


> You bring up valid points! If they would have done it "right" or at least what I percieve as right it would be much easier to swallow.
> 
> *Neither has a degree or a trade
> *The jobs they have are not permanent career type jobs
> ...



LOL on the car thing as we have 3 cars all near of past 150K.  Never had a car loan in my life! :yay:

If it was me and my children had chosen this way, I would offer to pay $3K for a simple cake and punch reception at the church hall (and whatever else they can squeeze out of $3K- my son and wife had a beautiful $3K wedding. She borrowed the dress; her family decorated the hall; a church family catered chicken salad on croissant sandwiches; and they had a local honeymoon for a few nights in a nice bed and breakfast with zero travel expenses) 

If it was me with my children, I would inform them that I don't feel comfortable with spending so much on a wedding under the circumstances so I am depositing $7K into a mutual fund for them to use toward education or a house downpayment. 

I loved the idea about sponsoring premarital counseling too. You could sponsor the counseling and add $1K to their marriage acct if they complete 6 months. Pre-marital counseling will help them analyze things like how they will handle money.


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## captainstormy (Jun 15, 2012)

Blonde said:


> The two families are united/tied regardless how much you have in common or ever see each other. You will share grandchildren some day.
> 
> In our case, the daughter who wanted to elope and my husband said "no, we are having a wedding", her fiance is from another state thousands of miles from us and the young couple lives in a state in the middle 600 miles from us. H's reasoning is that we are uniting these two families through this young couple and *the wedding is the only time we will probably ever even meet most of them*.
> 
> ...


If your never going to see most of the people except at the wedding I really wouldn't say that it's combining the families.

My wife and I didn't really want a fancy wedding. Her parents (much like your husband) demanded that we have a wedding. Since they are the ones that wanted it, they are the ones that paid for it. 

Our wedding was nice, but not what we wanted. We both regret having that wedding now also. Not because of the cost (wasn't our 20+ grand spent) but because our wedding day wasn't ours (what we wanted) it was her parents (what they wanted).

My there were over 200 family members on my wife's side at the wedding. Only 12 of them live in the same state. Most of them being from Georgia, Texas or New York. I'm talking extended extended family. 

Most of these family members are people that my wife has never seen since high school or earlier (she's in her mid 30's now). Our wedding was more of a family reunion then a wedding.

I suppose if the families live in the same area it might be combining of families. But I've never really seen it. Every married couple I know of really hasn't combined families. They may see their in laws around holidays and such. But it isn't like my family and my wife's family are going to get together in the same place for Christmas because we are married now.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

captainstormy said:


> I suppose if the families live in the same area it might be combining of families. But I've never really seen it. Every married couple I know of really hasn't combined families. *They may see their in laws around holidays and such.* But it isn't like my family and my wife's family are going to get together in the same place for Christmas because we are married now.


Exactly!

Since we have met all of our children's inlaws at the wedding, it maintains more of a connection with our married children. So now that our son's father in law is dying of cancer, he's not some stranger we never met. We only met him once but we can pray for him and picture him. And the photo our DIL posted on FB for Father's Day was from their 2008 wedding- the Father/daughter dance.

And when our oldest daughter goes on a cruise with her H and inlaws this Christmas, she isn't with strangers- even though we only met them *once*- she is with *family*.

The wedding is one day that stays in people's memories forever.


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## captainstormy (Jun 15, 2012)

Blonde said:


> LOL on the car thing as we have 3 cars all near of past 150K.  Never had a car loan in my life! :yay:


I also gotta say that the car thing isn't a problem as long as they keep them running well.

Just my income alone is more than twice the average family income for Ohio (and my wife works also).

I drive a 1996 Ford F-250 and she drives a 2002 Jeep Liberty. Both run great, but have seen better days in the looks department (especially mine, there is probably more rust than paint on it at this point).

My Truck has over 500K miles on it (gotta love a diesel engine). Still got no plans to get rid of it. I might get it repainted though, 17 years of mid west winters and roads covered in salt haven't done the body any kindness.

All that said, they should focus on the direction their life is going. Not saying they have to get into college, but they should get some soft of training to get into a good paying career.

I also wouldn't hold the apartment living against them. Believe it or not home ownership really isn't for everyone. Besides they are both really young, one needs to be more established and settled down before they can handle home ownership IMO.


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## captainstormy (Jun 15, 2012)

Blonde said:


> Exactly!
> 
> Since we have met all of our children's inlaws at the wedding, it maintains more of a connection with our married children. So now that our son's father in law is dying of cancer, he's not some stranger we never met. We only met him once but we can pray for him and picture him. And the photo our DIL posted on FB for Father's Day was from their 2008 wedding- the Father/daughter dance.
> 
> ...


I suppose it's how you look at it. Certainly I need to know and have a relationship with my wives family (at least those who live in the same state that she sees) but I wouldn't say her family and mine are combining.

My family and her parents live 1200 miles apart, there simply isn't any combining of families when your talking about those sorts of distances. Before the wedding, it had been 6 years since my mother came to visit me in Ohio (I typically go to Kentucky to visit her 2-3 times per year). She isn't going to drive to go hang out with my inlaws.

*ETA*

I guess what my main point is, don't let your wishes rail road your child's wishes on their wedding day. My wife and I both gave into her family's desires for our wedding day and like I said we are going to forever remember it as the day we got married at a family reunion her mother threw.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I actually really like the ideas of offering more money as an incentive for things like counseling and financial planning. Incentives to be investing in a -marriage- not just a wedding. 

A former colleague of mine who had been engaged for two years and talked daily at work about her dream wedding - about what kinds of drinks for the bar, about the perfect number of slices of cucumber on the tea sandwiches, on obsessing about chicken or roast beef. 

And yet - it wasn't until we directly asked her, "What's your fiancee's name?" that we found out anything about you know - the groom. He didn't really seem to factor or matter in any of the plans, and his opinions and desires didn't seem to matter at all. 

I personally think a smaller budget and more reasonable plans might help keep people more grounded, but that's just from what I've witnessed.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

captainstormy said:


> Before the wedding, it had been 6 years since my mother came to visit me in Ohio (I typically go to Kentucky to visit her 2-3 times per year).


And you are in adjacent states... If I lived that close, I'd visit more.



captainstormy said:


> I guess what my main point is, don't let your wishes rail road your child's wishes on their wedding day. *My wife and I both gave into her family's desires for our wedding day and like I said we are going to forever remember it as the day we got married at a family reunion her mother threw.*


LOL! My 21 yod is talking wedding and we had a (mild) argument because she views it as a giant party she is throwing for her friends with the family aspects as trivial. Her bf is an only Chinese child and his parents want to have it at a $250/plate country club in Westchester county.

Good luck with that on our $6K contribution. :slap:

Yesterday her bf texted her that his parents are talking about selling their house so they can move next door to wherever the newlyweds settle. Scary! I told her you better nip that idea in the bud pretty quick.

I *stay out* of all wedding planning! All we do is fork over the money we promised and I will do some simple things if they want to give me assignments (pick up the flowers on this day here for example). The rest is up to them.


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## Row Jimmy (Apr 15, 2013)

Gifting of money or goods to kids can be done at any time and for a variety of reasons but I have no plans to pay for anyone's wedding as that is purely optional. 

I'd rather give them money for a house downpayment. 

The OP needs to talk to his wife and find a compromise. 

Warning - For me, compromising usually means doing exactly what my wife wants. Your mileage may vary....


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Somewhere on TAM there was reference to the average cost of a wedding the US. The figure cited was $25,000. A quick Google shows that median cost is around $15,000 and that the average of $25k or $28 k is caused by the distortion of the exceptionally expensive marriages at which the parents shelled out $150 k.

I figure you could have very good food for $25/head. In my old hometown there is slow meat joint that gets rave reviews, that sort of restaurant caters. So for $14 per guest the guests would be stuffed. Another $10 for salad and some beer. So for the food and drink $3 k ought to cover a hundred guests.

After that a good celebration requires music. There are tons of starving musicians, some of them are darn good, if they play two long sets for $300 per band member. So for a hundred guests the bill for food, drink and entertainment is under a $5 k. 
If people are eating, drinking and dancing, that is enough for a good time. What else is necessary?

... Ok, I forgot the wedding cake.


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

This is one of those threads that I'm absolutely shocked at most of the answers. First of all, I think the estimates for the cost of the wedding are way low for the most part. A standard modest wedding cost includes flowers, photography, video, a priest or pastor, the renting of a hall, a dj or band, food, a champagne toast, some modest decorations, wedding cake, wedding dress and tuxedo, and gifts for the bridesmaids and ushers. Where I live, just these things alone will put you over 20k- easy. I've been to a _lot_ of weddings, and most of them that I've gone to have all these things and more- like open bar, or limited open bar, wine bottles on table, breakfast for the wedding party, hors d'oeuvres, etc etc. I'd guess the average modern day cost for weddings I've attended is around 30k, maybe a little higher. And no, I'm not rich nor are most of these people.


So what I'm trying to say is that the reality of the cost of weddings is that it is through the roof. To the original poster, if I were you I'd be planning on contributing 26k at the bare minimum. That's one year of your disposable income for the most important day of your daughter's life. Perhaps encourage her to save money and use the rest of it for a down payment on a house. However, I don't believe it's nearly as easy to save money as most on this thread portray. Sure, you can have the wedding at someone's home, but if the weather doesn't cooperate it could easily make for a ruined and miserable experience. Or maybe you could make some sort of deal with a 'knight's of colombus' type place to do it on the cheap. But any respectable place is going to charge an arm and a leg for anything related to wedding, unless you lie and say it's just a party (which I'm not a fan of, either).


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

I have never been a fan of the big expensive wedding. I have always felt that its backwards thinking. I say start small and have big celebrations at the 10, 20, 30, etc... marks. 

I freely admit that I am jaded when it comes to this. I have 4 older sisters. All had big expensive weddings, and ALL of them got divorced. My first 3 sisters marriages lasted about 8, 6, and 5 years respectively. Sister 4 actually just got divorced a couple years ago and was married almost 20 years, but it was not rosy.

I got married in sister 2's backward. We rented a couple big tents, had a pig roast, booze and about 60 people. We just passed 20 years married this September.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

It's your daughters wedding. Basically you have to pay for it. You could try handing them x amount to go to the JOP. But your wife would probably be pissed beyond belief. 

My daughter is 19 and currently with "the one" she asked me a few months ago how much she would get for a wedding. I responded "more than I want to give you" she got a smile on her face "but less than you want" I continued. Smile gone. They will most likely not get married until she is out of college and he is out of the marines. I told her last month I would give her 20k to get married before the year is out. She was going to jump at it but decided to talk to him. First words out of him mouth were "is your father still going to pay for your college after we get married". She called, I told her "where do you think I was getting the 20k from?" Turns out he was smarter than I gave him credit for. Who says marines are dumb.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

We spent about 10K on a nice wedding with 100 guests, in an area where the average and median are both WAY above that. So cheap can be done. Remember that there's nothing that a wedding HAS to have -- people make this rationalization "Well a caterer costs a minimum of $x." Ok, did you consider having buffet instead of table service? I did that, and people loved it. "Well an open bar costs x" Why not just have beer and wine instead? Are your friends such boozehounds that they can't deal with that? "You have to have a videographer" -- really? Do you really think you'll watch your wedding video? Etc.

On the other hand it doesn't sound like 10K is the OP's idea of "cheap." At some point, I think it's important to compromise on this. Your daughter wants a nice wedding. You want to show her you love her and that you're happy for her getting married, right? Can you give her a certain amount and ask her (or her groom's parents) to cover the rest? Can you work with her on essential and non-essential expenses? Can you host it at your house to save money? Can you help her shop around to find good prices?


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