# Is it an addiction? Should I be worried



## mollersjamers (Mar 11, 2012)

My husband and I have had a pretty good sex life from the start, but lately he has been watching porn whenever I'm in classes, or at the store. When I discovered this I asked him to stop as I was sexually abused as a child, and often porn was involved, thinking of him watching it and discovering him watching it brought back alot of memories and made me feel degraded and not good enough for him. He promised he would stop, as he didn't know it made me feel like way and what it was related to. The next day, I discovered that he had downloaded a private browsing site on his phone, he swore up and down that he only used because it was faster, I felt that he wasn't being honest, but didn't want to fight so I left it alone. It turned out, he was using this to watch porn, and trying to hide it from me which he admitted the next day when I asked him to tell me the truth. He has lied about watching porn and not telling me untill after at least on 4 different occasions. Would you consider this an addiction? It is really affecting my trust for him and often when I catch him he tries to make me feel badly about having an issue with it.


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## Mike_O (Aug 3, 2011)

I see separate (yet related) issues:

Honesty/Integrity - telling the truth and being forthcoming to spouse;

History of sexual abuse;

Porn.

If it were me, I would focus on honesty/integrity first.

Hope this helps!


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## cent130130 (Nov 6, 2011)

No matter how you slice it, porn is a cancer to a relationship. I cannot believe in our country we have to tolerate it, in the name of freedom. I doubt anyone who would defend the pornographer's right to exist would want their daughters to aspire to be a porn star. It's incredibly degrading to women, I can't believe any women support it. In my opinion, it is an addiction.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

cent130130 said:


> No matter how you slice it, porn is a cancer to a relationship.


If porn were a cancer to relationships then the vast majority of relationships would die, as the vast majority of men, and many women, use porn.

The abuse the OP suffered is tragic, but to associate it with her husband's use of porn is unfair. Most of the men you know, your uncles, brothers, priests...use porn and they are normal, healthy people.

In my opinion porn addiction doesn't exist:

_Wikipedia:

There is no diagnosis of pornography addiction in the current Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM)_


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

Knowing how it affects YOU and is still doing it by way of lying, hiding/sneaking means 1 of 2 things: 

It's an addiction

or

He has no respect or consideration for you, period. 

Either way, if the behavior continues, I'd seek MC.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Like so many married men if he starts to prefer it to sex with his wife, then there is a problem.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

mollersjamers said:


> My husband and I have had a pretty good sex life from the start, but lately he has been watching porn whenever I'm in classes, or at the store. When I discovered this I asked him to stop as I was sexually abused as a child, and often porn was involved, thinking of him watching it and discovering him watching it brought back alot of memories and made me feel degraded and not good enough for him. He promised he would stop, as he didn't know it made me feel like way and what it was related to. The next day, I discovered that he had downloaded a private browsing site on his phone, he swore up and down that he only used because it was faster, I felt that he wasn't being honest, but didn't want to fight so I left it alone. It turned out, he was using this to watch porn, and trying to hide it from me which he admitted the next day when I asked him to tell me the truth. He has lied about watching porn and not telling me untill after at least on 4 different occasions. Would you consider this an addiction? It is really affecting my trust for him and often when I catch him he tries to make me feel badly about having an issue with it.


I am going through the same thing, except my husband doesn't have a phone he can view that crap on!

He doesn't care how it makes me feel! I have tried to spice things up in the bedroom, but that has not worked. 

Over the course of my almost 15 year marriage the porn topic has come up many times (more then i can count) I always get the "i will never do it again speech, but it always does happen again and again!

The last time i confronted him about it last Sept, he said he understood how it made me feel, obviously he doesn't, if he did he wouldn't do it!!

I am sorry!! I know how much it sucks!


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

ladybird said:


> I am going through the same thing, except my husband doesn't have a phone he can view that crap on!
> 
> He doesn't care how it makes me feel! I have tried to spice things up in the bedroom, but that has not worked.
> 
> ...


When you've confronted him, what if any, were the consequences he'd face if it didn't stop? If none, then maybe that's something you should consider. But just threatening is not going to work; you're going to need to be prepared to follow through. It's like disciplining a child, if there's no motivation to change a behavior, then they never will.


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

Any action, porn or not, a partner continues to do after you've expressed your displeasure of it IS WRONG, regardless of existing past issues!!!!


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

heavensangel said:


> When you've confronted him, what if any, were the consequences he'd face if it didn't stop? If none, then maybe that's something you should consider. But just threatening is not going to work; you're going to need to be prepared to follow through. It's like disciplining a child, if there's no motivation to change a behavior, then they never will.


I am following through this time.. And this is not the only issue there is either.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

heavensangel said:


> Any action, porn or not, a partner continues to do after you've expressed your displeasure of it IS WRONG, regardless of existing past issues!!!!


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

I just don't think that anyone has the right to demand that you don't watch porn. Why? You don't have to look at it. 

What next? No fantasising? Not touching yourself? Getting married doesn't mean handing over complete control of your fantasy/masturbation habits.


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## LemonLime (Mar 20, 2012)

heavensangel said:


> Knowing how it affects YOU and is still doing it by way of lying, hiding/sneaking means 1 of 2 things:
> 
> It's an addiction
> 
> ...


Exactly, there IS a such thing as it being addictive but I think the bigger issues is him lying and hiding it.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

ladybird said:


> Over the course of my almost 15 year marriage the porn topic has come up many times (more then i can count) I always get the "i will never do it again speech, but it always does happen again and again!
> 
> The last time i confronted him about it last Sept, he said he understood how it made me feel, obviously he doesn't, if he did he wouldn't do it!!
> 
> I am sorry!! I know how much it sucks!


Why is it a problem? I am genuinely at a loss as to why someone would be so against porn? There is very strong evidence that the availability of internet porn is associated with a reduction in sexual crimes. 

Porn is positive, it is necessary and will always exist. Always. Men look at porn. Men will ALWAYS look at porn. We are all going to have to get used to it.


Could Porn Be Good For Society?

Is the increasing availability of high speed internet pornography reducing sex crime rates? - Skeptics - Stack Exchange

Legalizing pornography: Lower sex crime rates? Study carried out in Czech Republic shows results similar to those in Japan and Denmark


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Good article on porn and wives.

Porn Addict or Selfish Bastard? Life Is More Complicated Than That | Psychology Today


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## XenX (Mar 28, 2012)

I don't think a wife/husband has the right to DEMAND that their wife/husband stop watching porn, I would compare it to going to the beach (or other similar place with little clothing) and forbidding your significant other to take a look at the opposite sex. Being married is about compromises, but things like this that have no effect to the other partner should not come into the equation.

I do think that if you don't enjoy it(and are affected by it) and he knows it that he should watch it some place where you can't find out and you should stop trying to find out whether he is watching it. I believe this is the most you can do and since you say he does it when you are away I see no problem here (other than the fact you are checking up his phone and trying to see if he is in fact watching it). 

The important thing is if the sex has stayed the same (or maybe better?). If this is the case then there is no issue and no addiction that I can see. If the sex has been less and less ever since he began watching porn then it can be an addiction or other underlying cause. If you can not get it out of your mind(the image of your H watching porn) and it affects your performance or daily life then, maybe, you can compromise on something, but if it is really affecting you due to being abused, then you both have to either talk it out in a real serious manner or seek counseling.

I am a married guy (in my 20s) and sometimes watch porn. I love my wife and there are weeks in which we have sex everyday (some times watch porn even after having sex on the same day or before having sex). Other times it can be one day yes, one day no, 2 days yes, one day no, etc. Porn is not related to how often it happens (or doesn't happen). She does not like watching it. 

This is personal opinion and partly experience: men will always think of other women, always (I belive women do as well, but since I'm not a woman I can not confirm this). This is regardless of being in a happy marriage with a fulfilling sex life. In my case I use porn when I start fantasizing about other women. Don't need to undress(with my mind that is lol) other women that I know or may know in real life, no need to think of an affair as all my needs are either met by my wife or by myself in case I want to see something 'different'.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Sorry you are going through this. I was abused as a child and porn affects us differently. You have a right to your feelings and your H is being disrespectful. 

I know there are lots of studies to "prove" that porn is great! There are also many studies that show the detrimental effects of long term use of pornography and its effects on your dopamine levels.

The bigger issue is that he agrees to stop to your face and then does what he wants behind your back. If he really wanted to come to an agreement, he wouldn't do this. He's trying to protect your feelings and he doesn't understand that all you want is honesty.

I had to decide where my line was with porn. For me, its the degradation of real women. So I gave my H Eurotica, A graphic novel that includes lots of sex. It is more hardcore than I would like, but my H likes it and since it is art (I am an artist), it doesn't bother me at all. I know, its strange, but the fact that real women were not violated to create it, makes a world of difference.

Maybe something like this would work for you. Maybe not. You just have to try to have a calm conversation about it. I hope you have the support you need emotionally. The problem with porn in your case, is that its a trigger for you. It triggers memories of the abuse. I'm so sorry you had to endure this as a child. 

That's the problem with molestation. When you grow up, you never know if your reactions are from the abuse or the porn. You aren't sure whats "normal". And that's OK. My advice would be to try and separate your feelings about the past and porn. I know that will be hard to do. I wish you the best of luck. You are not alone.


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## kittykat09 (Mar 26, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> Why is it a problem? I am genuinely at a loss as to why someone would be so against porn? There is very strong evidence that the availability of internet porn is associated with a reduction in sexual crimes.
> 
> Porn is positive, it is necessary and will always exist. Always. Men look at porn. Men will ALWAYS look at porn. We are all going to have to get used to it.


Feel free to watch your porn, but stop spouting absolutes. "Porn is positive" for you, not for everyone. I find it hurtful. "Men will ALWAYS look at porn" except that *not all men look at porn.* "We are all going to have to get used to it" - uh, no? I do not *have* to "get used to" porn. It isn't a necessity.

Also, I have no idea how porn would reduce sexual crimes. Porn allows men to fantasize about things (such as rape) that they may never have thought about before, allowing it to become a topic that they are emotionally numb to. I'm not saying watching porn makes a guy want to rape women, but it sure does make the concept of rape more acceptable to some guys. Additionally, porn makes women into holes, nothing more. How does that promote respect of women as people and not a series of holes for a guy to stick his genitals in?

To the OP- it hurts you. He is lying to you about it. He is showing you that watching porn > not making you hurt. Porn > you. That is how it boils down. Don't let porn apologists try to shame you into finding porn acceptable. Some people do, and that is *great for them* but not everyone does. You don't HAVE to, and your husband *should* respect that. 

If he wants to masturbate to material, give him nude photos if you haven't already. If nude photos of you aren't enough, there are more issues than just the lying and you feeling hurt.


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## kittykat09 (Mar 26, 2012)

I would like to add, in response to the claims that porn reduces sex crime rates... 

"Correlation does not imply causation."

You can't PROVE causation between the two. It could be education, it could be reduced opportunity, it could be any number of things. It could even be a reduced number of women reporting it. No one knows.

I bring you this:
Open Letter To Kansas School Board « Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

The decline in pirates is causing global warming. See? The numbers show that less pirates is correlating with an increase in global temperature!

That is why your "studies" touting the social benefits of porn are garbage, irrelevant, and idiotic.


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## WadeWilson (Jul 4, 2010)

Way off base... Yet again...
We have enough pro-porn anti-porn threads...

With that said, your first and utmost priority is dealing with issues of the past... With that, you can not judge porn objectively... His viewing porn is affecting what you went through...
Now, he should be considerate enough to understand that... But it still can be hard, he's hiding and lying because he don't have an issue with it in his past, he's probably thinking out of sight out of mind when it comes to you... But yes, the lying must be addressed, which makes it unfair that you have to help him to help you cope with what happened to you... You had a traumatic experience, and if you can't get him to understand that, maybe if you're comfortable enough, just have him make sure you do not know that he has it, or even views it....


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## Nigel (Mar 14, 2012)

cent130130 said:


> No matter how you slice it, porn is a cancer to a relationship. I cannot believe in our country we have to tolerate it, in the name of freedom. I doubt anyone who would defend the pornographer's right to exist would want their daughters to aspire to be a porn star. It's incredibly degrading to women, I can't believe any women support it. In my opinion, it is an addiction.


I think your country has more pressing issues than porn to be honest. Try banning guns for a start.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kittykat09 (Mar 26, 2012)

Nigel said:


> I think your country has more pressing issues than porn to be honest. Try banning guns for a start.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And I think the economy and ****ty health care is more pressing than banning guns. This is fun!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

johnnycomelately said:


> I just don't think that anyone has the right to demand that you don't watch porn. Why? You don't have to look at it.
> 
> What next? No fantasising? Not touching yourself? Getting married doesn't mean handing over complete control of your fantasy/masturbation habits.


If the porn replaces sex with their spouse, yes the sexually deprived spouse has a right to ask that the use of porn stop and that they work on their sex life.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I wonde how guys would feel if their wife spend a lot of time viewing porn and getting themself off?

Is this ok with men?


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## kittykat09 (Mar 26, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I wonde how guys would feel if their wife spend a lot of time viewing porn and getting themself off?
> 
> Is this ok with men?


If they don't get to watch some seem to get weird about it.

There is a thread about a guy freaking out that his wife masturbates without him and that it feels like cheating that she uses a vibrator. Not saying all guys are hypocritical on the issue, but some are. 

I thought part of the rationale guys use for masturbating instead of sex with their partner (assuming their partner is willing of course) is that they don't always feel like going through act (foreplay, sex, worrying about getting their partner off, cuddling) and just want to get off quickly and get on with their day.

(Please note that I have no problem with masturbation, this was just an observation.)


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kittykat09 said:


> If they don't get to watch some seem to get weird about it.
> 
> There is a thread about a guy freaking out that his wife masturbates without him and that it feels like cheating that she uses a vibrator. Not saying all guys are hypocritical on the issue, but some are.
> 
> ...


I would like to know how guys feel about this. Especially if their wife does not want sex with them but she is off masturbating all the time with out them being involved.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

kittykat09 said:


> That is why your "studies" touting the social benefits of porn are garbage, irrelevant, and idiotic.


They are not my studies, they are peer-reviewed studies done by some of the world's foremost academics. The facts are there, in the numbers. If you want to dispute them go ahead, but try to do it with reason and good argument, rather than insults which make you look defensive and ignorant.



kittykat09 said:


> Feel free to watch your porn, but stop spouting absolutes. "Porn is positive" for you, not for everyone. I find it hurtful. "Men will ALWAYS look at porn" except that *not all men look at porn.* "We are all going to have to get used to it" - uh, no? I do not *have* to "get used to" porn. It isn't a necessity.


Again, peer-reviewed scientific studies have shown that at least 70% of men regularly use pornography. Not all men, no, but the vast majority of good, decent normal men use porn. You don't have to get used to it, no, but by not trying to be reasonable and understanding you are condemning at least 70% of the men in your life.



kittykat09 said:


> Also, I have no idea how porn would reduce sexual crimes. Porn allows men to fantasize about things (such as rape) that they may never have thought about before, allowing it to become a topic that they are emotionally numb to. I'm not saying watching porn makes a guy want to rape women, but it sure does make the concept of rape more acceptable to some guys.


So pornography 'allows' men to fantasise about rape. How? Pornography doesn't give people permission to do anything, it is material for masturbation. People use porn that fits with their fantasy not the other way round. I have used porn since I was 14 years old and I have never fantasised about rape.



kittykat09 said:


> Additionally, porn makes women into holes, nothing more. How does that promote respect of women as people and not a series of holes for a guy to stick his genitals in?


Female porn stars are paid many times what their male counterparts are paid. They are often world famous and have huge fan bases. Why would they bother paying them so much if they were just 'holes'. You are the one disrespecting them, how can you describe them in this way? 

Male porn stars are usually just penises, with a few exceptions. There are also many female porn directors, like Ana Span, Petra Joy and Erika Lust, are they exploiting women? Ana Span is a feminist and politician, she just happens to be sex positive. 

Porn _can_ be exploitative, which is all the more reason to have it legal and unstigmatised so it can be regulated. People making iPhones are exploited too, it doesn't mean we ban phones and shun people who use them.




kittykat09 said:


> If he wants to masturbate to material, give him nude photos if you haven't already. If nude photos of you aren't enough, there are more issues than just the lying and you feeling hurt.


Aren't nude photos porn? Do you really have the right to tell people whether they can masturbate and what (legal) material they can use to help them?


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> I would like to know how guys feel about this. Especially if their wife does not want sex with them but she is off masturbating all the time with out them being involved.


I am very happy for my wife to masturbate. I bought her a dildo for her birthday and I have made it clear that she has the right to a fantasy life. I ask her about her fantasies but she won't tell me and I respect that. I don't own her. 

If she didn't want sex that would be a sign of a health issue or a marital problem. Blaming it on pornography or masturbation would be avoiding taking responsibility and would prevent us from sorting out the real problem.

Not masturbating is unhealthy. It is your body, your mind and you should get to know it as well as you can, you will have to live (hopefully) with them a long time.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I wonde how guys would feel if their wife spend a lot of time viewing porn and getting themself off?
> 
> Is this ok with men?


In my case my wife's sex drive is so much lower than mine that I would be hurt if she didn't offer me first dibs (provided I was available). I wouldn't care if she used it if I was away for a long while, but with her 1-2 times a month is about all she naturally has an interest in (seriously)... so I'd like to be a part of it the few times she is in the mood.

In our case my wife doesn't have a problem with me self-satisfying provided I at least flirt with her if she's around (i.e. give her first dibs).

I think that's a good rule in general: try and give your partner first dibs if they are around, don't do it so much that you aren't available to your SO.


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