# Moving in Together



## rep (Jun 11, 2012)

Ive been dating her for 2 years this summer. We both have boys the same age and they have an on/off getting along relationship. Ive been divocred/seperated 2.5 years this summer and she's not far behind. She is a NEAT freak. I mean, her house is like a model home and Im not the best at keeping up on cleaning and such and she has anxiety about us arguing about that. I worry about the boys and how to deal with bills.
Do any of you here have a Cohabitaion Agreement??
I make a lot more than her but thats not my fault. I dont know what is right or wrong here. I have major scarring and trust issues about relationships bc of a divorce. I dont want to pay the "Lions share", then after 5 years, if it doesnt work out, then oh well, Im out the money for daily living expenses??
I feel like the bills should be 50/50 regardless of who makes more. Its not my problem that I make more, or am I being a jerk??


----------



## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

I think you have to do what's best for the two of you. Can she afford half. Is that more than her current living expenses?? Just as its not your fault you make more is it her fault she makes less?


----------



## rep (Jun 11, 2012)

she still has about 16 months of "Use and Possesion" at her current house free of a mortgage, but when she moves out, she would get about the same in child support. It would cost her more to rent a basement from someone in our area than to split bills with me. She has mentioned that it doesnt seem fair that i would be builing a good savings and she would be paycheck to paycheck under either scenerio. I kind of feel that her financail problems should not be mine bc we are not married. It does feel awkward but I dont know how to come up with a fair deal. If I give her a huge break on bills, then in a couple years, she moves out, I will be pissed.
Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me (kind of thing).
Any advice is appreciated


----------



## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

I think if you're this concerned about it not working you shouldn't move in together at all. It sounds like you have a very negative attitude about it. Maybe you all can reach a compromise at 1/3 2/3 split but not if you're going to hold it over her head.


----------



## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

If you don't work it out to where you are both happy with it, then don't move in together. 

Our opinions are not that important. Both your feelings are.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

rep said:


> she still has about 16 months of "Use and Possesion" at her current house free of a mortgage, but when she moves out, she would get about the same in child support. *It would cost her more to rent a basement from someone in our area than to split bills with me*.


In saying this ...you would think this would be the best option for her even if it is split 50/50.... maybe she should not be pushing for more. 



> She has mentioned that it doesnt seem fair that i would be builing a good savings and she would be paycheck to paycheck under either scenerio. *I kind of feel that her financail problems should not be mine bc we are not married*.


 sounds like she is guilt tripping you here .... depending on what kind of spender she is , and you are... this could be a major contention down the road. And how you view your marital duties vs not being married -you both have a different view in the financial obligations.... It needs further talked over . 



> It does feel awkward but I dont know how to come up with a fair deal. *If I give her a huge break on bills, then in a couple years, she moves out, I will be pissed*.


 I am of the belief..one should only do what they feel out of their heart...and have a peace with...as to not have regrets later if the worst does happen. You are not there yet.. so don't do it. Otherwise you may seethe every month when you pay more than you feel you should. This may lift in time -if your trust grows with her... but it's not there right now. 

Clear expectations and an agreement needs to be talked about here, and an acceptance on both sides so no one builds resentment. If this can't be achieved without hurt feelings, then the move in should not happen.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Is the issue (for her) the possibility that she's going to live paycheck to paycheck for a long time to come (maybe forever) unless she finds someone to help support her? 

If it is, then the question you need to consider is if you want to be that person who rescues her whether you are married to her or living with her. 

It isn't only cheating that breaks up marriages. It's financial matters as well.

You have time. Wait awhile.


----------



## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> In saying this ...you would think this would be the best option for her even if it is split 50/50.... maybe she should not be pushing for more.
> 
> sounds like she is guilt tripping you here .... depending on what kind of spender she is , and you are... this could be a major contention down the road. And how you view your marital duties vs not being married -you both have a different view in the financial obligations.... It needs further talked over .
> 
> ...


I agree with SimplyAmorous,you already are having reservations
about this situation.

Better to live by yourself then get into
another bad relationship.Listen to that little internal voice,it's
already warning you.


----------



## rep (Jun 11, 2012)

I agree with everyone,,, that an agreement that is satisfactory needs to be in-place. I know she will pay half and ACT like its ok but I know reesentment will build. I think that we should not move in for at least another 6 months and see how the conversations go. Since she has a son and I have a son, I know that our Wills will most likely state that our kids get each others assests,, so its a different scenerio when you are bringing in other kids. Your basically working together but keeping seperate accounts and leaving each other very little bc you want your blood to get your assets in the end. At least thats how I hear it goes. Its scary and new and not exciting like I though it should be


----------



## Viseral (Feb 25, 2011)

Be neighbors. Separate homes but close to each other. That way you have separate finances and don't have to fight about the neatness of your home. You can still be together as much as you want, but be apart when you need to. Best of both worlds.


----------



## seasalt (Jul 5, 2012)

Are you looking for a roomate or someone to begin a lifetime relationship with? Have you checked her teeth?

If this is the way you are approaching moving in together make sure you both have the same objectives and understandings.

Seasalt


----------



## rep (Jun 11, 2012)

I understand the "Lifetime: comment but was married 17 years and you learn or have deep scars that never heal. Its foolish to think that people dont change. I dont see why a 50/50, each pays there way is wrong. I just feel that I cant win bc I make a substantial amount more than her. I do need to get back on my feet bc the divorce took me from millionare to having 3k in the bank. Im starting out new again and I lost it all bc of a women and yes I think its valid to be scared that another women can change and take it all again.
Thats what makes this so difficult


----------



## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

You guys could add all income and expenditures and break everything down to an exact percentage, based on income. I don't think you should be with her if you don't trust her though...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## rep (Jun 11, 2012)

LdyVenus,
With all due respect, how can anyone trust these days. People change, and most people divorce at some point (so the statistics say) and I cant be the only person to have difficulties coming up with a "move-in" plan. I think when you each have a kid, its difficult enough. Money makes it more difficult. 
I just think that at our ages, its just not my fault that Ive done well and she hasnt. I love her very much, and want to think positive but keep my feet on the ground about reality


----------



## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

if you do get married, your finances would most likely be shared, so I would move in with her only if there's like a 95% chance it will work out. 

Since you're making more than her, would it be a burden to pay most of the bills because you love her and hope that it works out? And if it doesn't work out, I wouldn't consider it losing the money, but that you took a chance on love and it didn't work out.

What if you paid for the rent or mortgage and she paid the utilities/cable bill, or figure it out so that she's not stressed and living paycheck to paycheck. What would she feel comfortable with? Would you be resentful if it's anything other than 50/50. Since you will be one unit now, it doesn't seem right for one person to be stressed for money, and the other person financially stable and comfortable.

Although, as Openminded said, financial issues can break up a marriage. 

If she's a neat freak, I think a cleaning service would have to be something you figure on paying for, since it sounds like you are not as fanatical as her and could never clean up to her expectations.

It's very smart that you're hashing out these issues now. Unless and until you are at total peace with who is financially responsible for what, and would be at peace if it doesn't work out, only then should you move in together.


----------



## silentghost (Jan 28, 2013)

Your relationships have been on and off. You have scars from your other relationship....and from the divorce. Now you're concerned about your finances if you cohabit with her.
I say...don't think about moving in.
You're just going to walk into another nightmare.
You two have problems now (on and off relationship) it's just going to get worse when you move in with her.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Why would you move in together in the first place? What is the reason for wanting to do that?

It doesn't sound to me like moving in together would do anything but breed discord, discontent and resentment.

Why not keep things as is?


----------



## rep (Jun 11, 2012)

IsGirl3 said:


> if you do get married, your finances would most likely be shared, so I would move in with her only if there's like a 95% chance it will work out.
> 
> Since you're making more than her, would it be a burden to pay most of the bills because you love her and hope that it works out? And if it doesn't work out, I wouldn't consider it losing the money, but that you took a chance on love and it didn't work out.
> 
> ...


tHANK YOU. yES YOU ARE RIGHT. Unless we have an agreement about duties and money, then we shouldnt. Im just feeling kinda weird bc I never talked about money with my ex-wife. We both made a lot and did whatever, NEVER an issue. With my girlfrind, Im in a new place and its uncomfortable, financially at least


----------



## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

I may be wrong, Rep, but it doesn't sound like you REALLY want to move in with this woman. Even less that you consider marrying her...

On the $$ issue : you say you make more than her. How much more? Like, a lot more ? Or slighty more? If I had a bf who earned double my wage or had his own business, I would be resentful that he makes me split 50/50...I mean, he has plenty, I struggle, why doesn't he help me ? But if the difference is minor, and it is already convenient for her to move with you, then 50/50 should be ok. Nevertheless, this ok living arrangement reads to me: " I'm not planning on marrying her". 

The other thing to take into consideration: her being a cleaning freak, you rather negligent. I have lived with cleaning freaks roomates and trust me, they can be a hell of a nuisance to live with, especially if you're more of the disorganized type. Then there are the kids, who'll make a lot of mess, and have their particular needs...

If you're not 100% serious about this woman, you shouldn't make this step...my opinion.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

rep said:


> LdyVenus,
> With all due respect, how can anyone trust these days. People change, and most people divorce at some point (so the statistics say) and I cant be the only person to have difficulties coming up with a "move-in" plan. I think when you each have a kid, its difficult enough. Money makes it more difficult.
> I just think that at our ages, its just not my fault that Ive done well and she hasnt. I love her very much, and want to think positive but keep my feet on the ground about reality


Wait.


----------



## rep (Jun 11, 2012)

Hortensia,
You make a lot of valid points. I make about 5 times what she does but agian, married or not, I dont think Ill ever financially take care of anyone except my kids. I have my own retirement and there college to thnik about. She needs to be able to take care of herself. 
As for the cleaning and kids part, you are 100% right. Im not sure I could take the constant tension of being a clean freak.
I love her but i think the older you get the more set in your ways you get.
We have joked about having a duplex built and a door between them in the bedroom. Sounds crazy but I bet it would work


----------



## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Hmm, so you just want some company, a little fun, but not a comitted relationship or marriage. Make sure you make yourself understood, and that she is ok with your limit. For I fear once you moved in, she will expect the next level...in general, women passed by their prime are not so much into unattached relationships.

You may love her as a person, but not like a man should love a woman, otherwise you wouldn't mind taking care of her ...I'm not judging you, just pointing out. 

But if you feel it can work, then go for it..who are we to tell you not to


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I don't see any reason WHY you're considering moving in together!?! Just because two years have passed? Is there a rulebook that says, 'After X amount of time you move in together, or you're just wasting her time!' Then is X+1 time for the engagement ring? Is X+2 time for the "I do's"?

You're not ready to live with ANYBODY at this point. You're still BURNT over the financial loss from your last marriage.

You've been dating each other since about 6 months post split-up from your respective marriages. These are OFTEN rebound relationships.

Your kids do not get along well.

You clash over daily chores and cleanliness.

You don't agree on financial matters.

There is no REASON for you two to move in together. You've not mentioned "loving" her, or wanting to merge your lives forever. 

I personally don't think this is the RIGHT relationship for you; I think this is a RIGHT NOW relationship for you at this stage of your life.

Continue to live where you each live now. Continue to see each other as you do now. When her mortgage-free style of living comes to an end, see if she expects YOU to finance her living accomodations. See if YOU want to finance her living accomodations.

You just seem to be rushing for NO APPARENT REASON other than pages being torn off a wall calendar.


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

norajane said:


> Why would you move in together in the first place? What is the reason for wanting to do that?
> 
> It doesn't sound to me like moving in together would do anything but breed discord, discontent and resentment.
> 
> Why not keep things as is?


:iagree:

I don't see anywhere in your post why you want to live together?


----------



## rep (Jun 11, 2012)

You guys/gals bring up many terrific points. Thank you,,, Im glad your here to help. I do love her very much. I am very hurt with fiancnaces from my marriage and my girlfriends husband left her and she gave him the home, 2 boats, everything and didnt even ask for alimony. She gets to stay in the house for 3 years without a payment but he gets to use the tax deduction. She has full custody and he puts in the divorce that he gets to deduct the kid every other year. She got screwed and I was with her during her seperation and she would not fight him. She is not the conflict type but I resent that she makes $12/hr and is in school and didnt do the right thing as for her divorce. The alimony and some equaity from the house and baots would help her. Her car is ready to die anyday. I feel like her poor finacnial descions should not be my problem. I cant fianance her poor descions. 
It makes it tough bc if she did the right thing during her divorce, she could go to college without working so much. I feel horrible for her and dislike him very much. 
Anyway, you guys/gals are correct about a lot. Its too soon for the move in. We talked this morning and I told her to hold off and she was devastated and deeply hurt. I told her that we would continue to work on the issue and grow as a team but she cant continue to let the ex walk all over her. 
I cant say thank you enough for giving me different abgles to see things


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

rep said:


> You guys/gals bring up many terrific points. Thank you,,, Im glad your here to help. I do love her very much. I am very hurt with fiancnaces from my marriage and my girlfriends husband left her and she gave him the home, 2 boats, everything and didnt even ask for alimony. She gets to stay in the house for 3 years without a payment but he gets to use the tax deduction. She has full custody and he puts in the divorce that he gets to deduct the kid every other year. She got screwed and I was with her during her seperation and she would not fight him. She is not the conflict type but I resent that she makes $12/hr and is in school and didnt do the right thing as for her divorce. The alimony and some equaity from the house and baots would help her. Her car is ready to die anyday. I feel like her poor finacnial descions should not be my problem. I cant fianance her poor descions.
> It makes it tough bc if she did the right thing during her divorce, she could go to college without working so much. I feel horrible for her and dislike him very much.
> Anyway, you guys/gals are correct about a lot. Its too soon for the move in. We talked this morning and I told her to hold off and she was devastated and deeply hurt. I told her that we would continue to work on the issue and grow as a team but she cant continue to let the ex walk all over her.
> I cant say thank you enough for giving me different abgles to see things


Those certainly were poor financial choices that she made and that's on her. I wonder if she wasn't expecting you to fix them for her down the road.

In any event, you made the right decision.


----------



## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

She is receiving alimony. Mortgage payments are often substituted for cash payments in divorce settlements. 3 years of alimony is PLENTY. Much more than that is theft. Don't be too upset with her because she chose the honorable thing to not STEAL from her ex-husband for a longer time. 

I do agree that she could have gotten a better settlement on the boats and the house and perhaps other hard assets. 

Try not to be too upset with her though. Those decisions were hers. You are not responsible for her financial future. If you love her, then it will work itself out in time.

Like you, I will NEVER marry again as I make a lot of money. I was able to avoid being burnt because I thankfully live in a fault state and have tremendous evidence of what she had done. Until the laws are changed to protect money makers, I will not legally bind my assets like that again.


----------



## Gruff (Feb 27, 2012)

How do you think this situation is going to resolve itself? Do you expect that she will eventually become a high earner? I don't see how you are going to move forward.


----------



## Dreald (Aug 30, 2012)

Honestly given your situation and her financial status, there's no WAY I would have her move in with you. IMO, one of two things will happen:

a) You'll resent her for not pulling her financial half of things and things will eventually dissolve
b) She'll resent you for not cutting her a break or if you do the 50/50 thing, she'll resent you for not "loving" her enough to eliminate her financial concerns.

Welcome to today's feministic outlook on what's 'fair'....

P.S. I had a good friend where this EXACT same situation occurred. After her child support ran out when her child turned 18, instead of getting another job to complement her real estate business (which she wasn't making any money at anyway), she actively sought out a man to 'rescue' her. A guy would've gotten another job to make ends meet. My friend was stupid enough not to see what was going on. So after she lost her home due to foreclosure (HUGE red flag right there) and got tired of living with her ex-husband (wtf?, another red flag), she convinced him that it made sense for her to move it.

They made it about 4 months. My friend got tired of her demands that they go out several times a week, that he needed to buy her new clothes so she'd feel sexy with him, that she was stressed and they needed to have some fun time together (aka expensive vacation together), etc. etc. He got tired of always paying her for her affection/attention. And was never enough. 

So when he told her that she needed to start looking for a new place, that things had changed in the dynamic of their relationship, etc., she wound up smashing a window, scratching up his hardwood floors installed 6 months before, breaking his windshield of his car and tipping over every one of his motorcycles he had doing a lot of damage. 

All because he was unwilling to have to pay for her past financial mistakes and even when he did pay for nice things for her, she demanded more and more. 

Again, is there any WONDER why more and more men are seeing women as simply vehicles to test drive and date but not commit to a lease, yet alone purchase? 

And with the re-authorization of the Violence Against Women Act, you can now be charged with DV if you raise your voice, call her an offensive name or cause emotional distress or simply annoy her, you can be charged with a federal crime. (VAWA, S.47)

Yes, gotta love it!


----------



## Viseral (Feb 25, 2011)

OP, if you already got burned by going from a net worth of 1 million to less than $3k in the bank then you know how marriage/divorce laws work in this country. They're designed to do one thing, transfer money from men to women. 

I suggest you don't move in with this woman because it'll only bring you problems. If she wants money then she's going to have to man-up and earn it herself. She's looking at you as her next cash cow.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Wow, THANKS, *Dreald*!

I had NO IDEA that all of us women act like that (or will in the future)! I'll be sure and hold MYSELF in check until AFTER I get some richer-than-me schmuck to say 'I do'.

Look, your friend married a greedy, lazy be-yotch. *That is ALL on him!* Your implication that all men see all women as 'vehicles to test drive' just shows that you yourself don't feel competent enough to discern a greedy, lazy be-yotch from a normal woman. That is on YOU!



> And with the re-authorization of the Violence Against Women Act, you can now be charged with DV if you raise your voice, call her an offensive name or cause emotional distress or simply annoy her, you can be charged with a federal crime.


Are you under some DELUSION that most WOMEN would approve of this piece of legislation? Because all of the women that I know would say that the underlined part is total BS; whether a man does it to a woman or a woman does it to a man! Believe me, we KNOW "REAL" domestic violence, and yelling and calling people names is NOT IT!

I guess you can get your calendar out and mark this as the ONE DAY in history that you heard from a woman who doesn't destroy men's property over a breakup, expect some man to pay bills she incurred, or mistake anger/disagreement/yelling for Domestic Violence. 

*rep:*
I still think this is a rebound relationship that is NOT going to last long-term. You're right, she SHOULD have fought harder for herself AND her kids. She rolled over and now she's paying the price!

Short of her winning a lottery, I don't see HOW this problem will resolve itself. Her expectation will always be that the MAN should take care of the finances, and you will always disagree with that. You have your OWN children to look out for, as you pointed out.

Just because gf & you love each other, that does NOT make you the right fit for a long-term relationship. That fact does not make either of you "wrong" or "bad", it just means you two don't fit together; you could each find someone who fits into your lives/wants/needs BETTER!


----------



## Viseral (Feb 25, 2011)

Dreald said:


> Honestly given your situation and her financial status, there's no WAY I would have her move in with you. IMO, one of two things will happen:
> 
> a) You'll resent her for not pulling her financial half of things and things will eventually dissolve
> b) She'll resent you for not cutting her a break or if you do the 50/50 thing, she'll resent you for not "loving" her enough to eliminate her financial concerns.
> ...


I believe the point that Dreald is trying to make is that so many laws have been passed in favor of women that it now makes marriage an extremely bad deal for men. The risk of being financially ruined is so high that many men are opting out of the institution all together, and women are left wondering why? I'll tell you why:

No Fault Divorce: means anyone can walk away from a marriage for any reason, or no reason at all.

VIolence Against Women Act: means a woman can make one phone call and have a man removed from his home at gun point and thrown in jail without due process.

Equitable Distribution Statutes: means that half a mans house and all his assets are now hers even if she never paid a dime towards paying for it.

Bradley Amendment: means that men can be imprisoned for not paying alimony or child support even if he lost his job through no fault of his own like being laid off or injured.

Child Custody Laws: means that men lose their children 99% of the time

When marriage/divorce laws are so biased against men, and the risks of being financially ruined are so high (like the OP was), then what incentive is there for men to marry?


----------



## Dreald (Aug 30, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Wow, THANKS, *Dreald*!
> 
> I had NO IDEA that all of us women act like that (or will in the future)! I'll be sure and hold MYSELF in check until AFTER I get some richer-than-me schmuck to say 'I do'.
> 
> ...


Funny, where did I say ALL women do this? Nowhere. And I'm not surprised in the reaction -- fairly typical. It's the same NAWALT (Not All Women Are Like That! and I agree) -- but women DO initiate divorce over 70% of the time, studies have shown they are more likely than men to initiate physical violence, and reap the financial rewards with no-fault divorce. Is it due to cheating? Not really -- the rates of cheating between men and women have actually risen where they're only a few percentage points difference now.

And 'owning' the decision for person you marry? That it's all *one's* fault if they didn't see the changes their spouse makes *after* marriage? While I agree with the concept of personal accountability in one's decision, many of us were duped by the person we thought we had married and once the legal contract was in place (with all it's financial rewards and leverage should one try and get out), she changed. It doesn't take long to read through several threads on this subject alone here -- on both sides. And I hope that you apply that to the women complaining about how after 5, 7, 10, etc. years of marriage that they aren't happy in their marriage because their husband doesn't try as hard to 'please' them like they did during courtship. They should 'own' their decision to marry the guy too, right? 

I know there's an exception in every situation -- I'm talking about where things are trending nowadays. And men are trending to delay and/or opt out of the traditional marriage contract. They've seen the negative consequences with their own families, friends, etc and how the man is often the one who pays the greater price. 

I'm sorry to see this take place as I think conceptually, marriage is a wonderful thing....but I understand why.


----------



## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Ok, quick thread jack to post some facts:

VAWA (Violence Against Women Act) does NOT make DV a FEDERAL crime. DV is prosecuted at the state level. Source: I am a victim of DV from my ex-spouse. Twice SHE was arrested and CONVICTED. It is not as skewed against men as it seems. I don't agree with this piece of legislation for 2 reasons. 
1. Our country can't afford it, we are broke.
2. The NAME suggests what you fear above, that it's all about women.

Fathers do NOT lose their children as often in divorce. I live in a presumed joint custody state. Over 30 states are like that now where neither the mother or father is favored in the process. "Tender Years" doctrine was thrown out by the Supreme Court in 1994. You have to PROVE the other parent is UNFIT before sole custody can be awarded. 

Marriage laws still DO facilitate wealth transfer from men to women and need to be changed before marriage is worth it. I will NEVER marry again until these laws change to where "What's mine is mine and what's yours is yours." That is fair. If you didn't earn it, you don't get to take it. 

OP, also should you decide to cohabit with this woman, make sure you check your state laws to be sure you don't live in a common law state. These states hold that you are married if you live together long enough even though you never went through a wedding. Some states (CA I think) also have "palimony" laws as well.


----------



## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> But I resent that she makes $12/hr and is in school and didnt do the right thing as for her divorce.


Just as a point of argument - if you are being serious and were a millionaire before your divorce and ended up with $3,000 in the end, I'm not really sure you managed to do the right thing in your divorce either, as somehow your ex ended up with at least $997,000. 

Like other posters, I'm not really sure what positives there are to this relationship, your kids don't get along, you don't agree about chores, in multiple ways you resent her. In the end, it seems like what you want is a roommate to split your bills with you (because it would be cheaper for her) and you also get to sleep with. While secretly or not so secretly resenting her. 

That really doesn't sound healthy.

Also, I'm not really sure that we need to turn this thread into a "marriage is evil" diatribe.


----------



## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

What are you planing to do with your extra savings.I agree that you should split it 50/50 but you shouldn't be spending much more then her on yourself like expensive gifts for yourself and she just watches you buying more and more stuff and nothing is for her,would feel kinda like rubbing it in her face.

If you are splitting bills 50/50 then you must be doing 50/50 in cleaning the house/chores.


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

From what you've told us, OP, I don't believe finances are the only problem here, because you mention that you're already arguing over tidiness issues. Those issues are likely to escalate, IMO, when you are living under the same roof, and really need resolving or compromising on before you even consider cohabitating.

As for the financial issues, when two people are earning different amounts, a 50/50 split isn't always going to work out, because unless you settle on a lifestyle tailored to suit the partner with the lower income (ie a budget lifestyle), that partner might battle to keep up their side of the bargain. 

By the sounds of things, you two need more time before considering moving in together.


----------



## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

rep said:


> You guys/gals bring up many terrific points. Thank you,,, Im glad your here to help. I do love her very much. I am very hurt with fiancnaces from my marriage and my girlfriends husband left her and she gave him the home, 2 boats, everything and didnt even ask for alimony. She gets to stay in the house for 3 years without a payment but he gets to use the tax deduction. She has full custody and he puts in the divorce that he gets to deduct the kid every other year. She got screwed and I was with her during her seperation and she would not fight him. She is not the conflict type but I resent that she makes $12/hr and is in school and didnt do the right thing as for her divorce. The alimony and some equaity from the house and baots would help her. Her car is ready to die anyday. I feel like her poor finacnial descions should not be my problem. I cant fianance her poor descions.
> It makes it tough bc if she did the right thing during her divorce, she could go to college without working so much. I feel horrible for her and dislike him very much.
> Anyway, you guys/gals are correct about a lot. Its too soon for the move in. We talked this morning and I told her to hold off and she was devastated and deeply hurt. I told her that we would continue to work on the issue and grow as a team but she cant continue to let the ex walk all over her.
> I cant say thank you enough for giving me different abgles to see things


I agree,you shouldn't be funding anything for her if she didn't want to fight for herself against her ex.It isn't fair to you that she gives everything,her and her ex built together,to him and expects you not to look out for yourself and your son.

Look at it this way,her son will get everything from her and her ex and your son will have none of it because she let her ex have it all while your son will have to share your part with her son if you decide to share everything with her.I say protect your son as her son seems to be fairly protected by his dad.


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Personally if the relationship were my focus, I'd be perfectly happy to sign a prenup or any sort of contract that assured him that I wasn't in it for the money. 

But if my salary were 20% of his, there's no way I can split bills 50/50. I assume the house is bigger therefore my share of a mortgage, gas, power, etc. would be more than if I chose a home of a smaller size. 

I would expect to divide bills up based on income. if it's 80/20 then that's how it would be. Maybe each agree to contribute a set amount to a joint household account for bills and food and each buys own gifts, clothing, etc. so she's not buying designer clothes she wouldn't otherwise purchase.

My previous boyfriend lives in a 750K house. I live in a 125K house. I assure you his utilities far outweighed mine and I could not afford to move in and split things 50/50 had things worked out. And I would have happily signed an agreement and rented my house as a back up plan. 

But more than anything, having kids really complicates things. I wouldn't want to uproot my child and move if this weren't a permanent relationship. I would have to be engaged or feel that we had an equally serious commitment to each other and I don't sense that from your post.


----------



## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Personally if the relationship were my focus, I'd be perfectly happy to sign a prenup or any sort of contract that assured him that I wasn't in it for the money.
> 
> But if my salary were 20% of his, there's no way I can split bills 50/50. I assume the house is bigger therefore my share of a mortgage, gas, power, etc. would be more than if I chose a home of a smaller size.


That could work with a prenup that states if he is paying 80% of mortgage then 80% of house value is his and in case of divorce he has to pay her out for her 20% to keep the house.


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I don't know about the laws where you are, OP, but even if your GF had been receiving alimony for herself, upon cohabitation or remarriage (where I live) it usually falls away. This isn't to say, of course, that a new partner should automatically be expected to pick up the slack, but where a woman has previously been a SAHM, and this is why her present income is currently lower, it might be worth factoring in...

I cohabited with someone for a short period of time, and not only did his much higher lifestyle gobble up my entire earnings and savings, but I had (quite rightly) also relinquished my previous rights to alimony from my ex. I literally walked away from that relationship with the clothes on my back and a bucket load of personal debt.

Cohabitation is a risky business. Think carefully.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

rep said:


> Ive been dating her for 2 years this summer. We both have boys the same age and they have an on/off getting along relationship. Ive been divocred/seperated 2.5 years this summer and she's not far behind. She is a NEAT freak. I mean, her house is like a model home and Im not the best at keeping up on cleaning and such and she has anxiety about us arguing about that. I worry about the boys and how to deal with bills.
> Do any of you here have a Cohabitaion Agreement??
> I make a lot more than her but thats not my fault. I dont know what is right or wrong here. I have major scarring and trust issues about relationships bc of a divorce. I dont want to pay the "Lions share", then after 5 years, if it doesnt work out, then oh well, Im out the money for daily living expenses??
> I feel like the bills should be 50/50 regardless of who makes more. Its not my problem that I make more, or am I being a jerk??


If you're worried about putting everything into it and five years it goes up in flames then date longer until that fear subsides a little. If you're not sure then you really shouldn't jump in. My wife and I dated seven years. I had too much baggage for us to marry at year 2-3. Plus my son's were 7 years and 4 years old when we met and her son was 6 years old. We had a lot of the same things to deal with that you're looking forward to.

Regarding your incomes, you have to realize that marriage means YourIncome+HerIncome=MarriageIncome. If you want to pay 50/50 then find someone with an income that's close to the same as yours and then 50/50 works out fine. Otherwise it's not a partnership.

Cohabitaion Agreement? It's the most important thing when you have step children involved. You both decide on the rules, boundaries, and punishments (maybe you even take the lead on it) but the policing of this always comes from the parent and not the step parent. Obviously when it's dealing with both kids then there's no choice but the key is that unified front between you and your SO is needed unless the disciplinarian want's grown step kids who hate and resent them.


----------



## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

I think you are being a jerk. Hubby and I don't view money as "mine" or "yours." It is ours. The bills are all ours. I don't fret over whether he is going to get more money than me or how much of it I can hoard for myself.


----------



## Viseral (Feb 25, 2011)

curlysue321 said:


> I think you are being a jerk. Hubby and I don't view money as "mine" or "yours." It is ours. The bills are all ours. I don't fret over whether he is going to get more money than me or how much of it I can hoard for myself.


So the OP lost everything he ever worked for in a divorce, and now you're calling him a jerk because he doesn't want to share his finances with his girlfriend?


----------



## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

I think it would be really "odd" to be living together like marrieds.Including raising your kids together /sharing a bed together being one anothers daily companion ..but one is broke struggling to make ends meet under financial stress while the other is relatively wealthy.Where I'm getting the feeling she sounds like she would be strapped all the time while you have extra and plenty left to go on.Like a divided social class under the same roof with the person you are supposed to be the most intimate with and in a committed relationship married or not.All under the pretense you are preparing for and protecting your self for if the relationship doesn't work out you dont want to have invest "more" than her money wise.I'm not against pre-nupts to protect substantial assets aquired before a marriage.But you are talking about house bills.Right?Mortgage/rent utilities groceries upkeep etc?I think to be really "fair" is should be based on %.IOW that would make it an equal "contribution " and effective impact on each persons investment.

You should wait until either she makes more money.Or find a woman that has roughly the same financial strength /spending power that you do .


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> I think it would be really "odd" to be living together like marrieds.Including raising your kids together /sharing a bed together being one anothers daily companion ..but one is broke struggling to make ends meet under financial stress while the other is relatively wealthy.Where I'm getting the feeling she sounds like she would be strapped all the time while you have extra and plenty left to go on.Like a divided social class under the same roof with the person you are supposed to be the most intimate with and in a committed relationship married or not.All under the pretense you are preparing for and protecting your self for if the relationship doesn't work out you dont want to have invest "more" than her money wise.I'm not against pre-nupts to protect substantial assets aquired before a marriage.But you are talking about house bills.Right?Mortgage/rent utilities groceries upkeep etc?I think to be really "fair" is should be based on %.IOW that would make it an equal "contribution " and effective impact on each persons investment.
> 
> You should wait until either she makes more money.Or find a woman that has roughly the same financial strength /spending power that you do .


In truth, it's a form of cake eating. To be married but not have to act married. It just doesn't fit what my mind sees as a healthy marriage. But then again if OP and his SO are both willing to agree on the structure of their marriage then more power to them. I think this mindset however will undermine his future wife's belief that they are equal partners in a marriage. Maybe she's ok with scraps.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> curlysue321
> I think you are being a jerk. *Hubby and I* don't view money as "mine" or "yours." It is ours. The bills are all ours. I don't fret over whether he is going to get more money than me or how much of it I can hoard for myself.


OP is NOT married to this woman.
They don't even live together yet, they're just considering it.

BIG DIFFERENCE between SPOUSES pooling assets and shack-ups/potential shack-ups pooling assets. 

*BIG difference.*


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I totally get someone protecting what they worked for. There are plenty of men who make less than me and I would want to protect what I've acquired, too. I don't blame a man for wanting to do the same.


----------



## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> In truth, it's a form of cake eating. To be married but not have to act married. It just doesn't fit what my mind sees as a healthy marriage. But then again if OP and his SO are both willing to agree on the structure of their marriage then more power to them. I think this mindset however will undermine his future wife's belief that they are equal partners in a marriage. Maybe she's ok with scraps.


It does.I will live with you ..have sex with you ...raise our kids together..share our daily lives.But if you live in poverty and I dont its not my problem.


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> OP is NOT married to this woman.
> They don't even live together yet, they're just considering it.
> 
> BIG DIFFERENCE between SPOUSES pooling assets and shack-ups/potential shack-ups pooling assets.
> ...



:iagree:

And it's for this reason I would never consider cohabitation again. Many people scoff at marriage these days, but IMO it's the only way of lending some weight to the level of commitment and legally protecting one's interests.

Unless there's a well drafted Cohabitation Agreement in place, pooling assets for unmarried couples can be a risky business...

I knew of one couple who had cohabited for years. When they got together, between them they owned 2 mortage free houses. It was decided that the woman should sell her home and move in with the man. Over the years, her capital was used to pay for family holidays etc and purchase a boat and other movable property which, over the years, depreciated in value. When they reached middle-age, the guy traded her in for a newer model, and she was unceremoniously kicked out of the house. What was left of her initial assets (very little) was dissipated on legal fees in a vain attempt to recoup some of what she'd contributed financially to the relationship.


----------

