# Seeking advice



## TJWings (May 25, 2019)

Hello, I’m TJ and I have been married for 26 years.

Got married when I was 21, had kids and the youngest will soon be independent.

My relationship with my husband is deteriorating, we’ve had lots of ups and downs, there was some infidelity early in our marriage by my husband, we separated and my kids were not happy so we got back together again.....and things were good most of the time, but lately I feel like we are wanting different things. 

My husband does not like to talk at all about our issues, he likes to pretend they don’t exist and act like everything is ok. 

It’s driving me crazy, and it’s so frustrating. He is in deep denial. 

I’m not afraid of being alone, but I think he is, I am the one who takes care of all the bills and finances and he is happy just to go to work and leave the money side of things to me. I think he’s just comfortable. 

I work too, so we both contribute to the household. For 3 weeks now he’s been sleeping in another room....at first he said it was because of my early shifts but it’s continued.

I don’t care, I like having the bed to myself, but I’m wondering if it’s his way of acknowledging that things are bad.....as I said he doesn’t like to talk things over. 

I don’t know how to approach asking for a separation....I don’t think he’ll be keen, because that means he needs to take responsibility for himself. 

The thought of separating, moving out on my own, looking after just myself is both exciting and scary....I really don’t know where to start.

We have a mortgage together, have cars each that we don’t owe anything on, so it won’t be that complicated, just doing it is the hard part. 

What can I do to get prepared? Thanks in advance for any advice.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

It's called passive aggressive.

Lets be honest .... any sane woman would have an awful hard time being attracted to a man like him.

You seem to me to have a good independent capacity.

You will never find a more convenient time than now to divorce with your empty nest soon upon you.

Not being able to actively sort problems in a relationship .... is a happiness killer.

I don't know you, but it sounds like you very likely have what it takes to carry it out successfully (divorce).


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Counselling is going to be an option but only if he will be honest about his problems.

Counselling can either bring a couple together or help them realise their marriage is over.

Either is a good result.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

You don't need counseling to tell you when you're done with someone.

You simply sound like you're done with him and there's nothing wrong with that. I've always said when a woman is done, she's DONE.

Just be sure to get all your ducks in a row before you approach him about separating/divorcing. You'd also be VERY wise to visit a lawyer just so you know exactly what to expect legally and what your options are. Too many people haven't done this and then made poor choices based on *not knowing* the actual laws in their state. Don't be one of those uninformed people.

Knowledge is power. Go see a lawyer.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> You don't need counseling to tell you when you're done with someone.
> 
> You simply sound like you're done with him and there's nothing wrong with that. I've always said when a woman is done, she's DONE.
> 
> ...


Sometimes counselling can help the other person to realise that things are over.


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## LimaTango (May 7, 2019)

Ok, I'll take the other side of this argument.

Have you explicitly told him how unhappy you are? Does he know how dire things are for you? When you got married.... You did have wedding vows right? You promised to love and cherish him (and he to you) until death do you part, right? 

You didn't have some "well, I'm mostly unhappy now and fixing the marriage seems hard" clause in your vows, correct? 

To be clear: I have my own "walk away wife" issue right now. Our marriage appeared happier than yours at the time my wife said she wanted a divorce. And our kids are younger. But the fallout has been soul crushing.

I'm not talking about marriage counseling just to say you tried. Like.... effing give it your all. And if it fails, it fails. But you'll know you did all you can.

Or don't. Surprise him. Get your ducks lined up. Ensure he has no idea the divorce papers are on the way. Make sure you get yours. Your happiness is more important than anyone elses. Be that glorious walk away wife. Your kids will love going to multiple thanksgiving and Christmas dinners and not talking about the other parent while there. Oh, and how exciting will that be for them to meet their parents new romance interests? 

(For the record, I'm not discarding any of your H's responsibility here. He needs to be invested in your happiness. Sometimes guys get comfortable and need a wake up call. Is it possible your husband could be the guy you hope to have?) 

That's all I've got. I haven't had my coffee yet and I'm in a mood. But seriously... DOES HE KNOW HOW UNHAPPY YOU ARE?


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## TJWings (May 25, 2019)

Yes I have tried to tell him I’m unhappy, that we have issues in our marriage, but he never wants to talk about it. He avoids the conversation, he just shuts down. He’s an avoider. As awkward as it gets in this house, he still wants to have sex, and there is nothing loving about it. He doesn’t care if I’m in to it or not, he thinks it’s my duty as a wife to spread my legs. I always gave in because I felt sorry for him and because I wanted to keep the peace, which I have been doing for years, not only between us, but between him and the kids as well. I’ve stopped that now, I don’t let him intimidate me anymore, and he gets frustrated, but never wants to talk about it. I’ve even tried doing via text to see if it will be easier for him to communicate, but he does the same thing, he shuts down and says “I don’t see any point to anything you’ve said” it’s frustrating, and I think he’s just too afraid of being alone, that’s why he doesn’t want to talk about anything, just in case it leads to me saying I want a divorce. He has a terrible relationship with the kids, and they get annoyed when I used to defend his actions, all because I was trying to keep the peace, little did I realise the kids ended up feeling resentment from their dad, which makes me sad, and makes me question the decision to get back together with him for the kids sake. I think he is a better dad when he’s not near them, and this is evident with our eldest son who lives in another country with his girlfriend. He was the one who told me about how he felt growing up with his dad, and not feeling the same love he got from me. I believe my husband to be a covert narcissist. And I think it stems from him being in his mums eyes the golden child who could do no wrong and who was always put before his sisters. He has a sense of self entitlement, he considers himself to be superior, and he craves attention. I’m just getting too old to put up with his BS anymore, life is just too short to continue to be unhappy. I want out, and I have no desire to be in another relationship for the foreseeable future. I just want to be free.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Welcome to TAM, sorry for why you are here.

I don’t see how you can fix something with someone who refuses to communicate with you. Make a divorce lawyer appointment today, gain the accurate knowledge to do this as smoothly as possible.


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## Lukedog (Nov 18, 2015)

I agree with Spicy. Marriage is a partnership of two people and two people have to want to make it work. You can't be the only one to fix it when the other doesn't want to even acknowledge there are issues to fix. Get some legal advice and get your ducks in a row and make your move.


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