# I have never truly loved my wife but now I want to



## Blackjack73 (Apr 24, 2016)

I am 60 years old and have never, other than a high school sweetheart loved a woman. The high school sweetheart dumped me and after that it was a series of relationships in which I never truly felt any love towards any woman. I met my wife and felt lust towards her, but never any huge attraction. I had my doubts about my sincerity of love for her but dated her for a short time anyway, and then she became pregnant. I immediately said to myself, no kid of mine will be raised elsewhere and I invited her to move in. It was a deep secret of mine that I really did not love her, but nonetheless I married her anyway and we had two children. At times throughout the marriage my wife doubted my sincerity but i assured her i did love her. I have enjoyed all our time together, however after 14 years of being with her I started having huge feelings of guilt that I did not love her and never have. It drove me to the edge of insanity, and I broke the news to her. She said she was not surprised, because she had doubts at times througout the marriage. I have serious depression and I am suspicious it has to do with our relationship. I want to be with my wife, I do not want to leave her at all, and I want to truly love my wife. I have given myself many false beliefs which I want to change; she came from a different social and economic class, is not as educated as myself, and perhaps would not have been approved of by my father whom I sought approval from all my life These are the stupid things that have kept me from loving her truly. I want desperately to change, to relieve myself of these false beliefs I have planted in my head, and to open my heart to her and love her to pieces. I believe I wanted to rescue her initially and had difficulty differentiating between love and pity, which probably came from my dysfunctional relationship with my depressed mother. My wife is a sweet, kind, generous, smart and very well put together woman. I wonder if I can change my false beliefs, rid myself of the shame I carry for never truly loving her, and have success in opening my heart to her, and to rid myself of this depression that i believe is there because of my lack of sincerity with my wife. My wife has asked that we become separated until I get my head together and then she may or may not take me back. Any thoughts, experiences, suggestions would be most appreciated.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Read "His Needs, Her Needs". Start dating her. Nothing special. Dinner and a movie, lunch, etc.

Get to really know her. To do that you have to listen. Go for walks, etc. Maybe you'll find she's much more interesting than you knew.

Good luck.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

It sounds like you are already well on your way there.

the sincere desire (or will) to love is the most important element of the equation
that equals = love.
the rest are feelings which ebb and flow, and then action.
the action of loving.

You have the most important part.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Hello, @Blackjack73. 

You are right. You must face the reasons you've lived this way and the shame, before you can be the husband you want to be. You should seek a good counselor to help you sort this out ASAP. Let me also suggest a read about the shame that happens when men try to please others like your father and not themselves. "No More Mr. Nice Guy"

I also recommend you read "His Needs, Her Needs". At least there you will see how emotional feelings are fostered in a marriage. If you want you can find your way. 

There will be others along with more. One step at a time, you've been in the dark a long time. 

Best


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

@Blackjack73, a tip. Separation isn't beneficial when trying to put a relationship on track. 

Best


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

OP, how do you define love?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Why do you care if your wife divorces you?


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## Blackjack73 (Apr 24, 2016)

Thanks for your question. I would define love as caring, respecting, thinking highly of, being proud of, and having good feelings toward someone.


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## Blackjack73 (Apr 24, 2016)

Thanks for your question. I think you got me. Because I do love her, and also because it would wreck our family.


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## Blackjack73 (Apr 24, 2016)

thanks for the tip


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## Blackjack73 (Apr 24, 2016)

thanks so much


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## Blackjack73 (Apr 24, 2016)

Thanks


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## Butterfly321 (Apr 25, 2016)

You need more time . Get some councling. You can't love her today but not yesterday , tThis takes time . Don't confuse yourself with being content and being in love .


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Blackjack73 said:


> Thanks for your question. I think you got me. Because I do love her, and also because it would wreck our family.


Yes, I think you do love her. You just do not have that butterfly in your stomach feeling or that high emotion. That does not mean you don't love her. It means that you don't have that "in love" feeling. That kind of feeling can be achieved by doing things that bring fun and romance into your relationship.

Edited to add:
If you start to notice things that you appreciate about your wife and your express them to her, that will help as well. You can enhance your love by being loving and recognizing what is great about her. Start to tell her what is good about her. If she looks beautiful, tell her. When she does something sweet, tell her, "You are so sweet." When she does something that is kind or helpful, tell her, "I appreciate how kind and helpful you are." When you do this, it builds connection and your feelings of love and appreciation for her.
When you think about her positive qualities, buy her flowers or perfume, bring them home and tell her, "I was thinking about when you do (fill in the blank) and how sweet you are and wanted to bring you something pretty or something to let you know how pretty I think you are." 
These kinds of things greatly enhance not only her feelings for you and her feelings of being cared about, but they build your "in love" feelings for her.

Start today on a quest to change the dynamic of your relationship and let her into your heart.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Marc878 said:


> Read "His Needs, Her Needs". Start dating her. Nothing special. Dinner and a movie, lunch, etc.
> 
> Get to really know her. To do that you have to listen. Go for walks, etc. Maybe you'll find she's much more interesting than you knew.
> 
> Good luck.


That is what I was thinking.

To the OP - also check out the Marriage Builders basic concepts:
A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

(It's the same Psychologist who wrote his needs her needs mentioned above.)

They say they can help people in arranged marriages be in love if they'll follow the program. One thing they recommend is spending at least 15 hours a week together of undivided attention. (The dating mentioned by Marc.)

I was in love, or at least infatuated, with my H at some point, but this feeling had changed prior to my marrying him. I married him anyway for a variety of (bad) reasons and also held this secret all our marriage - I love him, in that I care about him, but I had not felt "in love" with him for years. 

I started trying to follow the marriage builders plan. We have not gotten up to 15 hours a week, but I noticed that when we do spend more time together, I really DO start to feel in love with him. 

It takes awhile. I'm not gonna lie, it's a chore at first, especially if you feel pretty indifferent to your spouse (I felt very impatient at first, like I'd rather be reading a book than trying to have a conversation with someone I gave up trying to talk with a long time ago...) But it did start to work!


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## Blackjack73 (Apr 24, 2016)

Thanks for your response.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

One caution!!!!! Separation is a bad idea. You can't work on a marriage this way.

Don't do it!!!!!!!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I too think that you do love your wife but do not realize what love really is.

For some reason your story reminds me of my maternal grandparents. They married when he was 19 and she was 14. 55 years later he died at age 74. She told me that she never felt that she loved it. That is until he was in his death bed dying, she realized that she truly did love him, very deeply. 

You have a chance to realize your love and to live it with her. Don’t blow it.

There are three books that I think would really help the two of you. Read them together and do the work that they say to do… do the work together. (The books are far better than counseling.)

“His Needs, Her Needs” by Dr. Harley

“Love Busters” by Dr. Harley

“Mating in Captivity” by Esther Perel


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Separation is a VERY bad idea. Most separations end in divorce.

You cannot fix something if you are not there to fix it.

If she insists on a separation, tell her that you will agree to the separation after the two of you have read the 3 books and done the work.


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## Palodyne (Mar 3, 2016)

Look, I have not went into the full horror of my story on this site. I have on SI. But I can relate to what you are going through. My fiancé cheated on me over 25 years ago and I have not dated since then. I lost all faith that love actually exists and decided to remain alone.

I have recently begun to realize that I was wrong. After my unfortunate breakup, I began to listen to my uncle that had divorced his wife for cheating. He told me there was no such thing as love. Something you wrote brought his words screaming back from the past. He said that people have a LUST for each other, so they would marry and have sex. Then the sex, lust, wears off so they would divorce and move on to other partners. I bought this story. But not now.

You met this woman and you bore children with her. You are still drawn to her. I have met a woman also. She is 51 to my 48. She is smart, sexy, attractive, and fun. She has a great sense of humor, and a quirky style that totally intrigues me. I, like you, ignored her. No such thing as love, right? But now she has had to leave to tend to her dying mother. I have not seen her in almost 2 months. I find myself missing her terribly. If you separate from your wife I bet you will miss her as well.

Friend, I think it could be possible that we have been alone so long, and doubted so long, that when the real thing sits down in our laps, we can't accept that we have found all there is to seek.


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## Butterfly321 (Apr 25, 2016)

Iam too in the same boat . I have a great husband ! I'm just not really attracted to him in loving way . I care for him , we get along very well . I think because we are both caring people . 
So I've been stewing on telling him or just leave it be and find ways to learn to love him . Iam so afraid of hurting him . 
I really have taken note on all the great advice that has been given . ....
How did you ( blackjack ) tell her ? 
Did you feel better about telling her ? 
Did you tell her all the neg reasons why you couldn't love her ? (Boy those were pretty harsh ) if it was me on the other end hearing the reasons I'm sure I would be crushed to no end . Big time therapy for that ! 
I'm still so undecided if I should first read the books and try the assignment to improve OR do I tell him minus the reasons, so we can work on it together ..


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Butterfly321 said:


> Iam too in the same boat . I have a great husband ! I'm just not really attracted to him in loving way . I care for him , we get along very well . I think because we are both caring people .
> So I've been stewing on telling him or just leave it be and find ways to learn to love him . Iam so afraid of hurting him .
> I really have taken note on all the great advice that has been given . ....
> How did you ( blackjack ) tell her ?
> ...


CAUTION!!!! Once said it can never be unsaid.


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## Blackjack73 (Apr 24, 2016)

Thanks very much for your comments.


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## Blackjack73 (Apr 24, 2016)

Thanks for your comments and questions. I do not think I would recommend this way but she knew something was bothering me and i straight out said we have a problem with you and me, I dont love you. She asked if I ever had loved her and i said no. She did not ask the negative reasons. I have felt a great deal better since telling her; I had literally been going crazy before telling her, It took a long while for me to break out of denial that i really did not love her, but once said i did feel better. the crazy thing is i do not want to leave her; i do love her in a very caring way, i just have never had the real feeling of love with her, nor any woman for that matter. Hope these comments assist you.


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## Butterfly321 (Apr 25, 2016)

How did she take it when you told her why you didn't love her ?


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

Blackjack73 said:


> Thanks for your comments and questions. I do not think I would recommend this way but she knew something was bothering me and i straight out said we have a problem with you and me, I dont love you. She asked if I ever had loved her and i said no. She did not ask the negative reasons. I have felt a great deal better since telling her; I had literally been going crazy before telling her, It took a long while for me to break out of denial that i really did not love her, but once said i did feel better. the crazy thing is i do not want to leave her; i do love her in a very caring way, i just have never had the real feeling of love with her, nor any woman for that matter. Hope these comments assist you.



While the others say separation would kill your marriage, I think you did more damage by telling her you never loved her. I think you already killed your marriage, what little of it you had. I'm sorry but I'm going to go against the consensus and tell you to let her go. She's wasted enough of her life on a man who doesn't love her. I speak from experience in having my exh tell me he never loved me and married me because it made sense. She has needs, needs you are obviously unable to fulfill at this point in time. Let her go, work on yourself and let her start healing, let her find someone who is capable of loving her. Let her find someone to he happy with.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

@Blackjack73, your best play is individual counseling for your issues. You're never too old to heal. 

Best


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Blackjack73 said:


> Any thoughts, experiences, suggestions would be most appreciated.


I feel for you on this. I'm kinda going through the same thing internally to a degree. Two years ago, when I found out my exwife was cheating on me it was like someone ripped out my heart and stomped on it. I've never been the same since. 

Outwardly you'd probably never know but internally I'm having a very difficult time becoming vested in another woman. I think it's my minds way of protecting myself so I don't get hurt again because the pain was so deep. 



Blackjack73 said:


> I am 60 years old and have never, other than a high school sweetheart loved a woman.


I think after this woman broken you're heart you became closed off. This is the ROOT of your problem and what you need to address to fix yourself. You never FULLY got over this and your current wife has paid the price. You need to let your defenses down. Let go of this burden you've been carrying for this other person and just become fully at peace with it.


I'm not suggesting you contact this person or anything like that. But you need to do some soul searching or perhaps counseling and finally fully address this breakup and be OVER it. I wish I knew how, I'm working on it too though no offense I hope I still don't feel the same way as you after 40 years. The thought horrifies me.

Good Luck.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

For you to realize this and come face to face with your own thoughts and feelings is a huge step but don't stop there. You have to delve into this a bit more and take a look at what created you to be you. Was it only the incident of the break-up in high school? How doid your parents interact? Were you shown this as a child? Find a healthy way for you to make the steps ahead. If your wife is still on-board with you, you are one lucky man.

My husband is 56 and I have always sensed he has not loved me. His sister told me before we married that she did not feel he could ever love again after the break-up of his high school girlfriend. He cheated on her and she broke up with him. I have always viewed it as he was the one that hurt her by cheating but hearing you say this makes me think twice now about his detachment all these years. We have been together for 27 years and I am in the process of filing for divorce.


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## Butterfly321 (Apr 25, 2016)

Totally agree !! Let her go . This was not a arranged marriage am sure . You should have to learn to love someone . And for the love of god no one should have to wait around to be loved after that . Blackjack73 you are never to old to find TRUE LOVE . REAL LOVE . You need to find love in yourself. Then your next few chapters in life will come with peace.


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## Butterfly321 (Apr 25, 2016)

Shouldn't


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## Butterfly321 (Apr 25, 2016)

Wonder how this problem turned out ? Married or not married ?


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## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

I'm kind of curious how all this worked out after reading this whole thread


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

OP, your story is tragic. This is most common for arranged marriages or married too young. I have a friend who married at 18 (wife also 18) and was a father at 19. The marriage lasted 11 years and he begun to wander off. He also said that he never loved his wife. Like you, he married his wife because she got pregnant.

As you have children, see a marriage counselor. It might help to reassess your situation. Your wife needs individual counseling also, as it must hurt to hear that you don't love her out loud. She'll need to keep her mind in the right direction, especially as she has children to care for. Sorry that you are here.


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## Butterfly321 (Apr 25, 2016)

I'am also curious to know how his wife has handled this blow ! Personally I feel if she had any self esteem she wouldn't even give this man a another second of her time. He stated he felt her lack of education and being brought up in a lower social class was a road block. Wow that must of just crushed the poor girl ? How do you bounce back from that.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Although this tread is old it brings up the critical question of how do we know we love someone.

It seems it's often when we have more feeling for them then we have ever felt for anyone else. 

This man never felt as much as he did for his high school girlfriend who I also would suppose became the standard for all women after her.

This effect goes some ways to explaining why the intense feelings created by an affairs cause people to believe they never had true love for their spouse.

Tamat


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