# Sad and confused



## sonia99 (Mar 11, 2013)

I am going to keep this really short - please help me if you been through the same or have any ideas.

I have been married for 14 years to my childhood love. We have been together for almost 20 years now. We don't have kids.

I have always had a tense, not-so-loving relationship with my in-laws. Luckily, they live in a different country. Early this summer, they came to live with us for about 10 weeks. I was not expecting the visit to be easy based on past experience. However, it ended up being much worse than expected. I completely shut off(it happens when I am very emotionally stressed and cannot express the problem), spent a LOT of time outside the home or in my bedroom and basically avoided the in-laws as much as I could. Needless to say, I am not a sociopath and this was a reaction to their unloving and cold behavior towards me.

Anyways, they have been gone for about 6-7 weeks. My husband has gone completely insane after their visit. He says that I insulted his parents and it is something that he can NEVER forgive. If he does forgive me, it will be accepting that his parents can be treated badly.

We are now stuck in this horrible situation. We live like strangers in this house. We do not touch, don't have sex(I want to but he does not) and basically behave like disinterested roommates.

I have tried explaining my position and behavior to him(we have had other relatives visit us before and I am completely fine with them) but he refuses to understand. I have also tried telling him that he is no saint and that I have forgiven him for many other things in the past(not cheating but sort of tending towards it). Anyways, I am at a loss to understand why he is doing this.

1) Is he bored with me and is this just a reason to exit?
2) I am sure he is not seeing anyone else so how can he deny himself(and me) sex for so long? Is this normal for a 40 year old man?
3) We just bought a VERY expensive home(hence the parents visiting) so separation will be very very hard
4) A part of me says - this marriage is dead, its time to move on. Do I really want to go through this for the next 30 or so years?

What should I do??


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## eli1 (Apr 22, 2013)

Firstly, I think the mistake was yours. You could just tolerate them; they don't bother much anyways. Secondly, as for what can be done, have you told him the true reason for your behavior? It shouldn't be a such big incidence to get you that far, that you two split. If you have many other problems as well, like no kids, or he has someone else as well, then he might be contemplating. Any divorce can potentially be in his favor, but in your disadvantage.


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## I'llUseMyEars (Jul 27, 2014)

Hey, in law troubles are as old as time in a marriage. The two of you need to figure out how to work through it together. I really cant justify inlaw troubles ever as a reason to call it quits. Your relationship should be stronger than that.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

I don't think he's having an affair.

He's really pissed. You totally disrespected his parents for TEN weeks, sulking and hiding. You need to come to grips with your hurtful behavior. It can't be undone now. 

What happens now still can be salvaged. It will take your attitude towards his parents needing great improvement. I'm not asking you to kiss butt, at least be cordial though.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

What exactly is the cold and unloving attitude you say you feel from his parents? What things do they do that it seems you cannot tolerate?
Do you see how your husband might feel the way he does based on your behavior or do you feel he is being insensitive to your needs. 
You mention his parents live in another country. Could the source of your problems with them be related to that?


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

It seems in this situation that you are BOTH to blame and I think there must be other issues in your marriage for your husband to react this way.

You reacted to his parents poorly. I know you don't like them and PIL can be so stressful to deal with. However, you cannot shut down like that when faced with stress. You should have just tolerated their behavior. Refocus the negative energy onto household chores or other activities to keep you busy. You can't go back, so I think the best thing to do now is apologize sincerely to them.

As for your husband's reaction, I don't understand why he waited 10 weeks to bring this up. He just stewed and stewed without saying a WORD to you about his feelings. That is ridiculous. The question for me is would you have apologized to him and changed your behavior earlier if you had known how he felt.

I still think there is information and back story about you that you are not sharing with us. I feel like there are more problems in your marriage. If spouses left each other for something this simple, marriage would never work.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It is impossible to give you good feedback without knowing what his parents did during the visit that you felt justified you behaving as you did.

Could you please give examples of 2-3 things that they did that led to your withdrawing?


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## sonia99 (Mar 11, 2013)

No, I could not have 'tolerated' them for 10 weeks. If by tolerating you mean being happy and friendly around them.

Few examples:

1) My in-laws are absolutely disengaged from me. For e.g. when I would leave for work in the morning and wish them good bye, 8 times out of 10 they would not reply back (just nod and look away). When I told my husband about this he did not say anything back. My in-laws and I had practically no conversations when we were alone.

2) Absolute refusal to help out with household chores in any way. Not even basic things like cleaning the dinner table after a meal.

3) They were obviously home all day while we were at work. I would come home every evening to find a dirty kitchen and a messy living room. Complaining to my husband his response was - They are guests and you cannot ask guests to do anything.

4) We live in a small apartment. They stayed in pretty much all 10 weeks - so basically I felt trapped in my own house. I could not watch TV, relax, etc - they were always there. So, I stayed out and at work longer and longer.

5) We don't have a good history. After I got married, we were living with them for a while(6 months). During that period, my MIL told me - You need to behave like a daughter-in-law and not a daughter(I was basically behaving exactly as I do in my parent's home - getting up late on weekends, etc).

Again, we have had other relatives(my MIL's sister and husband) come live with us for weeks. I have had no issues with them. In fact when I go back to my home country, I make sure I visit them.

I am not a stupid person so I know that my husband can also behave the same if my parents visit us. But the fact is that my parents love my husband very much and treat him very nicely. When they visit us, my father actually takes over my husband's chores.

The bottom line is that I did not 'adjust' for 10 weeks. Looking back, I don't think I could have. I am sorry for the mess this has created between my husband and me(I still love him deeply) but I am not sorry for my behavior.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How is a DIL supposed to behave as opposed to a daughter? Well except for waking up early instead of sleeping away half the day.

When you came home to find a messy living room and kitchen, how long would it take to clean it up? Would your husband help you?

I's not clear from what you said that they treated you all that badly. Many people do not expect guests to clean up. I think it's common courtesy to pick up after one's self. But you did not describe anything actually directly done to you by them.

It sounds more like they don't like you and you don't like them. 

If your husband cannot get beyond this then perhaps it's time for you to file for divorce.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

I agree. His beef seems to be not in your behavior, but with the fact that they don't like you. 

If you love him, you need to explain that won't change so if he can't handle it, it's best you part ways.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

You are both in the wrong in my opinion. You could have been nicer to them and tolerated them for those 10 weeks and he is over reacting. He should have said something to you during their visit if he didn't like how you were acting. Remind him that when he took his wedding vows his first priority is his wife, not his parents and to break up a long term marriage over the one incident is stupid. Maybe they don't like you because you never gave them grandchildren.


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## Pufferfish (Sep 25, 2013)

sonia99 said:


> Few examples:
> 
> 1) My in-laws are absolutely disengaged from me. For e.g. when I would leave for work in the morning and wish them good bye, 8 times out of 10 they would not reply back (just nod and look away). When I told my husband about this he did not say anything back. My in-laws and I had practically no conversations when we were alone.
> 
> ...



May I ask if you or your husband are Chinese or other Asian ethic group? From what you have written, it seems like either you are your husband are. Especially on the last point about behaving like a daughter in law and not a daughter. Sorry if I've guessed wrong, it's just that I've seen this kind of dynamic a lot in the ethnic Chinese community. 

If you were my daughter, I'd suggest that you look after your own well being and happiness. Explain to your husband why you behaved in the way you did and ask him to understand and compromise. If that doesn't get you anywhere, tell your husband in no uncertain terms about what you will accept and what you will not. If he won't budge, don't let finances or fear of an uncertain future stop you from moving on. You will regret wasting those years tethered to an unhappy marriage. The cliche of "Life is too short" applies in your case.


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## sonia99 (Mar 11, 2013)

Yes, I am south asian. We have been living in the US for a decade now but I guess cultural norms are not so easy to let go of.

I have a business trip coming up where I will be away from my husband for 3 weeks. I will re-evaluate after I am back.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Issue #1 - you and your husband did not set any expectations/rules with his parents. I know I know, one would think that GROWN ASS adults would be helpful, clearly that's not the case. You and your husband should've SET the rules as things came up. But NO actions from both of you.......his parents basically took advantage of you both.

Issue #2 - communication. Whenever it comes to ANYONE living with you, it changes EVERYTHING. Prior to such commitments, sit down, define rules/expectations etc. 

Also, probably the biggest issue of them all is the fact that your husband SEEMS to be SON first, Husband SECOND.

His priority needs to change to being husband FIRST, son 2nd.......he should've went after them and set them straight when they were there!!!!


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your husband needed to do a better job of managing this situation.


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## Kristinkle (Jul 30, 2014)

Mostly a lurker here but I had to let you know that you have my deepest sympathies. 

I am fortunate because I love my in laws and they love me but they live 3 blocks from us and are in my home ALL THE TIME and they don't leave until 10 or 11 at night. 

For the last 14 years, I go to work for 9 hours, come home make a full dinner for all of us (meat, veggie & starch) and then clean up the dinner dishes and various messes around the house. There are a lot of times I feel resentful. 

I don't want to high jack your thread but I just wanted you to know, I can relate but fortunately my husband understands my resentment as well.


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