# I Love him like a brother!



## kelsey

I have been married for 6 years and together for 2 years before that. We have two kids 2.5 and 5. I don't love him anymore the way a wife should love her husband. I feel as if he should be my brother or best friend. I don't want him to touch me or kiss me. He is a great guy and he still loves me. 

This problem has been here for alot longer then either of us realized until we started talking about things. It almost goes as far back as just after our fist son was born so almost 5 years. I haven't been interested in being intimate, when we are I feel as if i"m doing it for him so he is happy not because I want to.

We have talked and he wants to work things out. We are seeing a mc on monday. i just don't know if I want to work things out. I have been unhappy and not loving him for way to long now. And don't get me wrong I do love him but it is like a brother. I still care about him so this is killing me having to hurt him like this. 

He can't seem to understand that my feelings have just changed over time. He keeps asking me if there is a reason and I think I have just changed. He can't understand how I can care about him but not love him as a husband anymore.

Since we have talked about things he has been putting so much pressure on me. Telling me that we have to believe we can work things out and that his feelings have never changed and they never will. And trying to set up dates and trips and I feel even more smothered then I did before. I tried staying with family but i missed my kids too much. Just not sure what to do and how to cope.


----------



## Amplexor

Marriage counseling is a good step to see if the marriage can be salvaged. Your husband reaction (pressure) is a very natural reaction in a situation like this. I assume there are core issues you didn't go into here but MC will help with those. If he has so many good qualities as a man I would suggest you not leave any stone unturned in recovery. Many spouses (as you can see here) are not as lucky as you. Carefully ask him to ease off on the romance a little you you can get your bearings. That will be difficult for him to do but you can't be smothered by him at this point. It will likely do more damage than good.


----------



## Dan-O

It sounds like you guys lost your spark for each other. Both of you became complacent and settled into the hum-drum family life with children. That doesn't like a good reason to divorce though. Especially, since you have children. I can't emphasize enough about how important it is for children to see their parents work through their issues in a constructive manner. Don't be selfish or let some smooth-talker convince you that the grass is greener. It may be more fun to romp around in the green grass for awhile but, seasons change and that grass will become brown also. Try some fertilizer and water on your own marriage grass first.

I would suggest marriage counselling and a week long trip to some place exotic. Take advantage of some massage therapy. Have some drinks and maybe a candlelight dinner. Remember why you guys fell in love in the first place.


----------



## cloud 9 confused

O my God I have been feeling the same way about my Wife for the last couple of years. I love her just not like I should, more like a sister or really good friend. And yes it really hurts to see them try so hard to make you feel special and you dont even feel anything when they kiss you. I make up reasons why I dont want to go somewhere or do something, because I feel uncomfortable with the extra attention she gives me, I think I need some counseling my self.


----------



## kelsey

It is so hard and I hate having to hurt him. But I know that it is not fair to either one of us to be in a marriage where the love is not shared equally! It is even harder knowing that he still loves me so much... I have honestly hoped that he would have an affair and then I would have a solid reason for feeling this way and for wanting to leave.


----------



## Dan-O

kelsey

Twice you have posted but, I have to be honest....

I'm lost in the "how and why" part.

Can you be a little more specific as to how you believe your relationship has gone from love, to marriage, to children, to bleh...not worth being married anymore but, he's a good man I'm just not interested him anymore; in what I would consider a short span of time?

I have to say, you sound like a bored woman who demands a little spice in her life and may want to play the field. If that's the route you are determined to go, leave the children with him and go find that which makes you happy. Don't make it ugly....just go and be happy.


----------



## Believe

Were you ever attracted to him? If there was once attraction and love I always believe it can be rekindled. In one of many books I have read there was a statement that struck me. 
Love is a choice not an emotion. If you choose to love someone and act like you love them, soon you will.


----------



## Lizzie60

Wow.. this is exactly my story to a T with my first ex.. for the last 12 years of our 18 yr relationship... 

Sex was a sacrifice.. 

Sorry ... but no mc will fix that... it's broken.. your love is gone.. will not come back.. he is hurting.. he will hurt even more when you leave.. 

I finally left after 18 years (29 yrs total)... he was devastated.. I was too for a while.. seeing him like that.. 

I have no regrets.. life is too short.. 

You can't spend your life being 'miserable' with someone you no longer love.. (the way you're supposed to love him).. 

Good luck...


----------



## 20yrs

A good marriage never_ just happens_. It is very normal for feelings to change.

It's almost like it turns into a comfortable love. I know my H knows all about me, I don't have to hide anything. Even the things I am ashamed of, I can still tell him and feel safe.

It takes work, lots of work (and sacrifice) to keep it alive and well, especially if there are kids involved..and yes, I agree that love is definitely a choice and not an emotion for many couples.

About a year ago I realized that was kinda how it felt for me in our marriage, like we were brothers and sisters, so we started going out once a week for a date.... even just having coffee will make a world of difference as we had the chance to talk.

We discovered that there was so much we just weren't discussing anymore and we had to MAKE an effort to bring some sparkle back into our marriage.

It worked.

But we had to make an effort. I am convinced that the answer for 95% of marriages is NOT divorce.

There are cases here and there where it obviously worked out for the better but by far in most cases there is a lot of hurt and disaster that comes with divorce, especially with kids involved.


----------



## missingme

I'm confused about how much & how I love my husband right now. I've been wanting a divorce for a long time, but my kids have said to each other "mom and dad are going to married until they go back to god". I couldn't devastate their little worlds. 

Kelsey, since your husband loves you still and there are children involved, maybe you need to keep trying. I know life is short, but there's no abuse and there are no anger issues & you made the commitment to have kids.


----------



## dobo

Have you had a check-up, seen a psychiatrist to see if you are depressed? Usually people can point to the reasons things changed. You aren't providing any detail.


----------



## MEM2020

Lizzie has been on one side of this equation and I have been right on the brink - at the edge of toppling into the abyss from the other side of the table. So I agree with what she said and will add to it. 


There is a HUGE difference here between being sexually indifferent/neutral to your spouse and having a PRONOUNCED SEXUAL AVERSION to them. 

Sexually neutral is sort of a - I don't care either way if we do it - it isn't bad - but it isn't something I look forward to. This is bad, but it often can be fixed. 

Sexual Aversion - she give the example of he is like her brother - this is way different. 

Now sex is something you avoid like the plague. It is very, very rare to reverse this feeling. LOTS AND LOTS mc on this and you know I actually think the mc's are correct. They talk about the differentiation/the mystery the newness factor which drives desire. And if they could have taught the rejected person to NOT lose that before the relationship got off track it would have worked. 

The thing is, once you have a 1-2 year pattern of sexually broken behavior - request/rejection/anger/guilt - you cannot dig out of that. Sex is now associated with a lot of negative emotions including a really bad one - emotional claustrophobia - you look at the other person and are thinking - back away - give me space - I don't want you to want me all the time. 





Lizzie60 said:


> Wow.. this is exactly my story to a T with my first ex.. for the last 12 years of our 18 yr relationship...
> 
> Sex was a sacrifice..
> 
> Sorry ... but no mc will fix that... it's broken.. your love is gone.. will not come back.. he is hurting.. he will hurt even more when you leave..
> 
> I finally left after 18 years (29 yrs total)... he was devastated.. I was too for a while.. seeing him like that..
> 
> I have no regrets.. life is too short..
> 
> You can't spend your life being 'miserable' with someone you no longer love.. (the way you're supposed to love him)..
> 
> Good luck...


----------

