# Running out of options in marriage.



## Ace1234 (Nov 25, 2020)

Hello, so I have run out of options and turn to a forum about marriage to help me. I'm not a forum person, lol but idk what to do anymore. We are both pretty young, me, 29, her, 28.

First of all, I love my wife, we have a great relationship and our intimacy is as good as it ever was. My issue is that she lives like a pig, it's three years into our marriage but the last 6 months have been like living with a hurricane. She cooks, and leaves all the pans on the stove dirty, she eats off a plate and leaves it wherever she ate it, she gets home and takes off her work clothes and drops it anywhere. The worst part is, she does not pick it up, it could be there for a month. I know because I been testing this. She does not clean dishes, she does not wash clothes, she does not throw away garbage. She is literally a child. Idk what to do, because everytime I bring it up there's a fight. I don't expect her to be a caretaker because she's a woman, I'm not biased like that. I believe in equal share of everything. I'm just not her mom or dad.

She claims to be in a slump, but I have been patient for months now. She is bipolar, and takes her medication.

Disclaimer: I am unemployed, but I make money from the VA, and I go to school fulltime and make money from the GI Bill. Yes, I have more time but does this make it right? I still bring home more money than her while she works a full time job. Do I have to take care of everything?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Have you considered just getting a maid service (and telling her SHE is paying for it)?
Another thing to consider, if she is bipolar, have you spoken with her therapist? I'm not suggesting that its OK BECAUSE of her illness, I am suggesting that you may want to inform the therapist as it may have bearing on her counseling and even on her meds. You should mention to them that she says she's in a "slump" (whatever that means!)

Did you try talking to her about it being unsanitary -- you may get bugs/rodents if she continues to leave plates, etc. all over the place.

Also, you say she gets mad. Can you preface the talk with "YOU DO NOT want a fight, but we DO need to discuss something". If she starts getting angry, stop the conversation and say "we agreed to TALK about this not fight, so please calm down"

Not really sure if any of this will help if she was brought up that way....


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

You're looking at your life for the next 30 years.

Perhaps set a time limit in your own mind for it getting better, and honestly, truly try to solve with her, but be prepared.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Ace1234 said:


> it's three years into our marriage but the last 6 months have been like living with a hurricane.
> 
> She claims to be in a slump, but I have been patient for months now. She is bipolar, and takes her medication.


I think your wife needs to speak to her doctor and therapist (she should have one) about this. It sounds like it's a recent change and it could be related to her mental health. Even if she takes her medication, they may need to be adjusted. Sometimes meds don't work as well and a dose increase or med change is required.


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## C.C. says ... (Aug 1, 2020)

Some people just live like this. My brother’s girlfriend was the biggest pig ever. She didn’t care about anything being clean. He’d clean but she’d just **** it up again and not care. He grew resentful. Tossed her out on her ass. His house is now **** and span, but he misses her greatly. 🤷‍♀️

This is the kind of thing where compromising would actually be beneficial but the one making the mess, refuses to believe that it’s that big of a problem. They straight out don’t see the harm in living in a **** hole.

I would tell you that she’s never going to change but people do change all the time. She might change if you could somehow put it to her like it’s really affecting your feelings and desire for her. Other than that, she’s just going to see it as trying to ‘control’ her and dig in her heels deeper.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Ace1234 said:


> She claims to be in a slump, but I have been patient for months now. She is bipolar, and takes her medication.


Bipolar is a terrible thing. It can be, really terrible. Sorry. 

Why do you say she "claims" to be in slump? You've listed all the evidence that makes it pretty clear she IS in a slump.

Her meds may need adjusting, and I agree with those that say you should try to inform her doctor that she seems very depressed and that you're worried about her. Any doc or therapist may well refuse to answer any questions you ask about her. Preferably just inform them, in writing, of objective facts, as it's harder for them to disregard that. 



Ace1234 said:


> Yes, I have more time but does this make it right?


No, of course it's not right. you know that. It's an illness. You are her carer. You don't deserve this, and neither does she. In the end you will have to make up your mind if you can live with it. If you feel bad about it every day, that may be hurting you more than the actual effort of cleaning up after her. If it helps, imagine that you are being paid to do it.


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