# Dating, and no commitment without sex



## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

That's not a typo.

I've been on two dates with this girl, and things are going pretty damn well. We get along great, lots of affection, she is pursuing me as much as I'm pursuing her.

On our second (most recent) date, we were back at my place, very drunk, things were getting hot and heavy but she didn't want to go any further (smiling and telling me it would all happen in good time) which I was fine with. 

She drunkenly asked about when things would be official, and I didn't really have an answer, she didn't push for one, we had some more drinks and couldn't keep our hands off each other. She went home later and we've been in touch since and arranged another date for this weekend.

I am slightly concerned, and I could just be making things up in my head because I love to overthink things, that she might push for commitment before we have sex. As someone who was in a sexless LTR for far too long (it being a major factor in that relationship ending) I need my next relationship to be satisfying in the bedroom, and I don't want to commit until I am confident that it will be.

Any thoughts?

http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/2...ll-commit-before-sex-are-the-ones-you-reject/


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening 
What sort of commitment does she seem to want. Exclusivity is fine. A lifelong commitment isn't.

When I say it isn't OK, let me be clear: she is welcome to ask for whatever she wants out of the relationship - and so are you. If it turns out that what you want isn't compatible, then you can split on friendly terms.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

This is how I am as well. Unless we are exclusive no sex. I don't sleep with women wondering how many other dudes they are sleeping with. Unfortunately had to learn through experience to clarify EVERYTHING when it comes to dating. 

I understand the concern about being in another relationship that's sexless. Communicate your concerns Let her know that when she is ready for sex and commitment and you're the same go for it. It's not a marriage and if it doesn't work out you both can move on fairly easily.


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I don't have sex in non-exclusive relationships. I don't need an engagement or a wedding. I need a commitment that neither of us are dating or sleeping with other people. 

Your lady friend may have the same boundary. So, if you want to have sex with her but don't want to commit to an exclusive relationship, the two of you just may not be right for one another. I suggest a conversation about what kind of commitment she's looking for prior to sex. 


Besides, even if you enter into an exclusive relationship with her, that doesn't mean you can't get out of it if it's not working for you.


----------



## Tubbalard (Feb 8, 2015)

Are you saying you need to have sex in order to establish commitment?

I don't think that's how things usually work for women. It's usually commitment then sex.

You should have a discussion on what's her usual time frame to give up the goods. Some women will flat out tell you, they have a 3 month or 90 day rule, some women have a wait to marriage rule. Some women just have a few dates then they can get busy rule. A few will have sex that same night then expect a relationship right then.

Communication is key. I think you're slight overthinking things. She doesn't want to be made out to be loose, that's why she asked you when it will be official. Give it time. Believe you will respect her if she makes wait a little while. Good things come to those that wait.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Being exclusively sexual doesn't mean committed to anything other than not having sex with other people.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

:scratchhead:

Relax!

Patience, there's already progress, see what happens on the third date. Don't think so much, at this point there's nothing to it... yet.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

In the words of Patti Stanger, "No sex before monogamy!!!"


----------



## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

After two dates I certainly hope all we're talking about is exclusivity. That said, maybe the commitment idea is really about your intentions. ie you're wanting to move this forward as a relationship that means something and not just be exclusive for the near future to get into her pants. This seems very reasonable.


----------



## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

Thanks for the feedback. 

I should clarify - I should have said 'sexually compatible'. I don't want to agree to be exclusive and discover things just don't work in bed, because then I will seem like an ******* who only agreed to exclusivity to get into her pants and that is not my intention - I like her enough to want to make sure everything works well between us.

I had a bad experience a year ago where a girl and I had sex together for the first time and it was just horrendous. The next few times were a bit better but I couldn't see myself staying with her. We weren't sexually compatible. I don't want that to happen again and I felt bad that it was a major factor in not continuing things with her.

I get the whole 'I don't want you to be spending the night with other people except me' vibe you guys are sharing, I am not as bothered about it. I see declaring exclusivity as when that ends, and I don't see a rush to get to that declaration. You want to be sure this isn't a haphazard decision like adolescents declaring someone's their girlfriend and breaking up with them before school ends for the day.


----------



## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

I think when it comes to sex in budding relationships, there are two ways to approach it.

Some people need to establish a certain level of trust and intimacy before they are willing to have sex. They don't want sex with someone they barely know. They want to make sure the person is invested in them before bringing the relationship to the level of sex. Evaluate relationship potential before sexual partner potential. They want to know the car is reliable, affordable and has all the features they want before they'll bother taking it out for a test drive. First eliminate the ones that don't meet their needs, and choose from the rest based on the test drive.

Other people do it in reverse. They want to know that the sex is going to be worth it before they'll put in time and effort to build trust and intimacy with that person. They want to make sure their sexualities are compatible before investing in the person emotionally. Evaluate sexual partner potential before relationship potential. They want to test drive a bunch of cars to find the ones that suit them before doing the research on pricing and reliability. First eliminate the ones that aren't fun to drive, then figure out which of the ones left best suits their budget and needs.

You've probably always had a pretty good idea which approach you take. And it should be pretty clear early in dating which type your date is. Stereotypically, women are the first type and men are the second, due to social pressures, culture, evo-psych, whatever, but it's not always the case, of course. It can also change over time, especially after experiencing a hurtful relationship that initiates rethinking.

There are quite a few ways to demonstrate that you are reliable and trustworthy. All you have to do is act respectfully, including respecting the other person's need to evaluate your personality for a bit before having sex. Unfortunately, there are not all that many ways to demonstrate that you are good in bed without actually having sex. Doubly unfortunately, if you do get to the point where the other person is willing to have sex with you, and it turns out there's no connection there so you let the relationship go, then you've gone and reinforced their point because from their perspective, you did all that work acting trustworthy only to get some sex and now you're outta there when they thought they could rely on you.

It sounds like this woman is definitely of the first type. She wants to know she can trust you to be in some sort of labelled relationship with her before she'll take it further sexually. She doesn't want to have sex with 'some guy she's dating.' She wants to have sex with 'her boyfriend.' I think the key thing, as always, is communication. Have conversations about the role each of you feels that sex plays in a relationship. Evaluate the answers. Decide how to proceed. Don't just get drunk and hope it will happen. Because if she's really the second type, that just cements the fact that she can't trust you and you aren't relationship material.


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Jetranger said:


> Thanks for the feedback.
> 
> I should clarify - I should have said 'sexually compatible'. *I don't want to agree to be exclusive and discover things just don't work in bed, because then I will seem like an ******* who only agreed to exclusivity to get into her pants and that is not my intention* - I like her enough to want to make sure everything works well between us.
> 
> ...



I'm not sure why you think the bold above is such a problem, but seem to think "I want to keep my options open in case you're bad in bed" is somehow a better message? Neither is particularly flattering. 

It's fine if you're just not one who needs exclusivity with the people you're having sex with. But if that's your girl's boundary, you have to respect it. If that's a problem for you, again, you may just not be compatible as partners.


----------



## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

It sounds like you two need to have a frank conversation. If you don't want to _only_ sleep with her, you should just say so (and it sounds like that's not going to stop you wanting to date her). Be prepared for the fact that she may not want to date _you_ unless you have stopped seeing other women. I know I wouldn't want to be with a guy who was test driving me and various other women to see which was the most compatible sexually. 

I'm sure there are women out there who want to date casually. Maybe she's just not one of them. And you have to decide if you like her enough to overcome your test driving mindset and see if things work out, or cut her loose and let her start seeing someone who is willing to date only her.

You do know, though, that if things aren't working out with someone and you are just dating, you can always break up with them, right? It sounded a bit like you thought you'd be stuck forever with a person when the sex is terrible.


----------



## Tubbalard (Feb 8, 2015)

Ok. So you're saying you need to have sex first in order to determine commitment? Basically you define a healthy relationship as two people having sex early on to see if a relationship is worth it, correct?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

Rowan said:


> I'm not sure why you think the bold above is such a problem, but seem to think "I want to keep my options open in case you're bad in bed" is somehow a better message? Neither is particularly flattering.


You're totally right, and that's why I have this dilemma. 



> It's fine if you're just not one who needs exclusivity with the people you're having sex with. But if that's your girl's boundary, you have to respect it. If that's a problem for you, again, you may just not be compatible as partners.


We might be, but will we get the chance to find out? 



joannacroc said:


> It sounds like you two need to have a frank conversation. If you don't want to _only_ sleep with her, you should just say so (and it sounds like that's not going to stop you wanting to date her). Be prepared for the fact that she may not want to date _you_ unless you have stopped seeing other women. I know I wouldn't want to be with a guy who was test driving me and various other women to see which was the most compatible sexually.
> 
> I'm sure there are women out there who want to date casually. Maybe she's just not one of them. And you have to decide if you like her enough to overcome your test driving mindset and see if things work out, or cut her loose and let her start seeing someone who is willing to date only her.


Isn't dating in itself test driving to a certain extent? I don't want to casually date anyone forever, if I like them then I want to be with them. However, I have to be sure I like them before I make that commitment. This isn't being afraid of commitment, this is treating it seriously. For the record, I am not seeing anyone else right now anyway.



> You do know, though, that if things aren't working out with someone and you are just dating, you can always break up with them, right? It sounded a bit like you thought you'd be stuck forever with a person when the sex is terrible.


I don't want to perpetuate the 'hit it and quit it'/'guys will say anything to get a girl into bed' perception, because that is not my intention at all here. I suppose I should stop worrying because people can misinterpret good intention to their heart's content.

We've flirted sexually a few times and when it gets mentioned she basically says it will happen, just not yet. It was the mention of things being 'official' that stuck with me and made me think this was anything other than the usual 'date, get to know each other, get to like each other, spend the night, spend the night a few more times, become exclusive'.


----------



## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

My take is she wants exclusivity commitment prior to sex. I'd say go for it. Unless you are sure you don't want to be exclusive yet.


----------



## lifeisbetterthanalternat (Apr 24, 2012)

Jetranger, 

This women seems to be trying to figure out if you she wants to take the relationship to the next level. The fact that she wants things to "happen in time" shows that she wants to see if the relationship is plausible in other areas besides the physical one. This is a sign of sensibility. 


You should be doing the same thing. If possible spend time with her without a "loaded gun" (google something about mary) silly analogy but, many people are clouded by lust and overlook possible other compatibility issues. if you are looking for an LTR don't just settle for someone who you can have sex with but that will be a good long term partner as this will be the natural progression. 

I would keep the past LD ex and what happened your business for now. I know people man advise you to tell her the importance of sex..but, it is concievable if she is generally ambivalent to sex but, hot on you as a prospect for LTR that she could feign being more HD until other serious commitments come here way ring, wedding kids. This is something that happens without knowing your needs. My thought would be to see how she treats sex without knowing you will leave her in its absence. Since there are many relationships that start as being very physical then when the novelty wares off...

Good luck.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jetranger said:


> I get the whole 'I don't want you to be spending the night with other people except me' vibe you guys are sharing, I am not as bothered about it. I see declaring exclusivity as when that ends, and I don't see a rush to get to that declaration. You want to be sure this isn't a haphazard decision like adolescents declaring someone's their girlfriend and breaking up with them before school ends for the day.


Are you ok with her having sex with other men while she's dating and having sex with you?


----------



## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

lifeisbetterthanalternat said:


> Jetranger,
> 
> This women seems to be trying to figure out if you she wants to take the relationship to the next level. The fact that she wants things to "happen in time" shows that she wants to see if the relationship is plausible in other areas besides the physical one. This is a sign of sensibility.
> 
> ...


I am not going to mention my ex to her. That was stated here so you guys can understand why I'm thinking this.

I have to go in with a loaded gun - I know what you're referring to but where alcohol and condoms are involved I don't want to have issues (I have a previous thread about this where it was negatively affecting my fun with a girl I was seeing last year). 

As I've said elsewhere, I'm all for being sensible and not rushing into this - that is why that comment of hers threw me because it seemed extremely premature considering the otherwise fairly typical pace. 

I am happy to let things take their course, I am just concerned that this will come up as an issue and want to be prepared to answer it in a good way.



EleGirl said:


> Are you ok with her having sex with other men while she's dating and having sex with you?


Until we agreed to be exclusive I would acknowledge that was quite possibly happening.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Jetranger said:


> That's not a typo.
> 
> I've been on two dates with this girl, and things are going pretty damn well. We get along great, lots of affection, she is pursuing me as much as I'm pursuing her.
> 
> ...


I might be old fashion but I would hope there was no sex just after a second date. Yes, that is what I'm thinking. What would you think if you did the horizontal refreshment on the first date? In short, the GF wants to be more than just two dates before the goods are given up and possibly discarded the next day.


----------



## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

Yeswecan said:


> I might be old fashion but I would hope there was no sex just after a second date. Yes, that is what I'm thinking. What would you think if you did the horizontal refreshment on the first date? In short, the GF wants to be more than just two dates before the goods are given up and possibly discarded the next day.


That is a bit old fashioned... What would I think if it had happened on the first date? 

"Wow, she's really into me!"

If anything, the perception nowadays is if it doesn't happen after a while, you are worried you are being strung along/used for your bank account/being friendzoned.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Jetranger said:


> That is a bit old fashioned... What would I think if it had happened on the first date?
> 
> "Wow, she's really into me!"
> 
> If anything, the perception nowadays is if it doesn't happen after a while, you are worried you are being strung along/used for your bank account/being friendzoned.


That's never what I think. If a woman offers herself on the first or second date I wouldn't see her again. She would be willing to move faster than I'm comfortable with so we wouldn't be a match.

Sounds like you and her have different philosophies about sex. Neither is right or wrong just probably not going to be compatable is likely. If a woman said to me what she said I would think great we are on the same page. I just don't think you guys are


----------



## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> I think when it comes to sex in budding relationships, there are two ways to approach it.


This was a beautiful post. I couldn't have said it better. :smthumbup:

My prior descriptions on this forum of the latter type evoke exactly the sort of "using" fears from female posters here that have been an issue in real life.

I'm down with sexual exclusivity, but I want to know it's worth being exclusive before saying I will be. It kinda depends though I guess. I do want a certain amount of "exclusive" time up front in other ways. For example, I find fewer things less attractive than a woman going on many dates with men all paying her way, all while planning/going on dates with me, and planning others with others. There's a certain moochiness to it. So I'm conflicted.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Jetranger said:


> That is a bit old fashioned... What would I think if it had happened on the first date?
> 
> "Wow, she's really into me!"
> 
> If anything, the perception nowadays is if it doesn't happen after a while, you are worried you are being strung along/used for your bank account/being friendzoned.


Sorry, IMO giving up the goods on the first date does not imply she is really into you. 

I would think after 4-5 dates one can tell if the relationship is going any further. Move on if it appears it is not working out for you. That is what dating is all about.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

What FW said.

She probably wants an exclusive sexual relationship. Which isn't a bad thing. And can last for 24 hours if it doesn't work out.

You're overthinking this.

A simple "I'm not ****ing anyone else without letting you know that" would suffice.


----------



## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

^It could be that. It could also be more than that. A lot of the time it's "I want to make sure you're not going to dump me right after we have sex".


----------



## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

Well, we've got our third date arranged now. I'll see how it goes. Thanks for the advice, all.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

lifeisbetterthanalternat said:


> If possible spend time with her without a "loaded gun" (google something about mary)


I agree that he should bear more things in mind then just popping the cork. However, I disagree that he should start dating with an empty weapon. Opportunities for sex can arrive at any time, best to make sure everyone can be at their stations on a moment's notice!


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Been out with this woman two big whopping times and she wants a commitment? She wants you to commit to someone you barely even know?


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I think the same way as your girl OP. I too wouldn't sleep with a man without a commitment of exclusivity. Not many women would.

It doesn't mean she expects you to marry her, or even commit for life, it just means she wants to know that you value her for more than just sex. Most importantly, it shows that she values herself and knows her boundaries.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

When I'm sleeping with someone by definition it's an exclusive relationship. That means: I don't pursue or sleep with other women. Don't go on dates with other women. 

Then shutup and listen. If she doesn't say anything - I'd wonder if she's the one wanting to keep her options open. But I'm not sure I'd ask. Commitment freely given is genuine. Commitment that is only given because it's requested - is often weak. 




Jetranger said:


> Well, we've got our third date arranged now. I'll see how it goes. Thanks for the advice, all.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I think sex should occur somewhere either immediately before or immediately after the agreement of exclusivity.

This will save guys from being friendzoned and treated like a walking credit card 

AND it will also help women to avoid being used for something other than sex. 

I'm pretty sure now that I was dating a guy who wanted me to be his beard. He was weird in bed and I realise now that I was doing most of the initiating. I guess he was agreeing to it just to keep stringing me along. But I also think that i had not initiated sex, he would never have stepped up to the plate, so to speak. .....imagine sleeping in the same bed, seeing each other naked and yet the guy still never makes a move for you.....

the other danger with a guy dating a woman and avoiding sex with her is that he may be keeping his options open for another woman. If he dumps you, he can say, at least I was never using you for sex. IMO, my time is more valuable than a sex act.....

I think this is important to know so that guys don't feel guilty about wanting sex from a woman....... particularly when he is giving he the full girlfriend treatment.


----------



## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

unbelievable said:


> Been out with this woman two big whopping times and she wants a commitment? She wants you to commit to someone you barely even know?


Been out with this woman two big whopping times and you want to bang her? You want her to bang someone she barely knows?


----------



## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

thefam said:


> Been out with this woman two big whopping times and you want to bang her? You want her to bang someone she barely knows?


:iagree: 

She doesn't want to get married!!! I really don't see the problem with saying you're exclusive for now. What's the big deal? Be exclusive, date, do whatever. If it doesn't pan out - stop dating and being exclusive.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

MEM11363 said:


> *When I'm sleeping with someone by definition it's an exclusive relationship*. That means: I don't pursue or sleep with other women. Don't go on dates with other women.
> 
> Then shutup and listen. If she doesn't say anything - I'd wonder if she's the one wanting to keep her options open. But I'm not sure I'd ask. Commitment freely given is genuine. Commitment that is only given because it's requested - is often weak.


I can tell you from experience that unless you actually have the conversation about being exclusive then sex alone constitutes nothing. I used to make that same assumption, sleeping with a woman meant we are now exclusive, but I met several women who thought nothing of sleeping with you one day, another guy the next and so on. I think this woman is smart to lay down her ground rules up front. I'm not she she was even saying she wanted to be exclusive by date two. I think she was just drawing a line saying hey I don't do this until this happens. I think that's smart.


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Without saying anything else I just say I'm with your girlfriend on this one. Don't push her to do things she's not ready to do.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

staarz21 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> She doesn't want to get married!!! I really don't see the problem with saying you're exclusive for now. What's the big deal? Be exclusive, date, do whatever. If it doesn't pan out - stop dating and being exclusive.


Exactly! Agreeing to be exclusive simply means that you both agree to only date each other, and see whether you're compatible for the long haul. Maybe you will be and maybe you won't in which case you both move on. Exclusivity doesn't mean you have to get married!!


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Just be honest with her about how you feel.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Jetranger said:


> Third date over. I got to pay for the whole thing (she only paid for her bus fare to get here and back home, less than $30) while I paid for the movie ($45) and dinner ($85) plus we had some drinks back at my place. She kept saying how she doesn't have much money and next time she should drive rather than bus it, etc etc etc.
> 
> Things got hot again but she stopped and told me this date was not ending up in the bedroom. I asked her if something was wrong, and she replied it wasn't a good week for her. I asked if she meant what I thought she meant and she said no, "damaged goods, remember?" Please cue me in the unsaid message here. and that I shouldn't worry, she definitely finds me attractive and that next week would be the week. This didn't prevent her from continuing what we were doing for another 20 minutes before she stopped herself again from going too far.
> 
> ...


Let's surmise at what might happen if you pass on this weekend. ie, the guys are getting together; longtime friend in town, whatever excuse you choose. Would you be alright if you never heard from her again? As in, you're not that into her and /or any other option that's out there is a step up........ Then pass on this weekend, and see how she reacts.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Wolf,

I wasn't clear. 

My paragraph was intended to be stated. 

That's why, directly below it I said, 'then shut up and listen'.

Next time I'll be clearer. 

Jet,
She's letting you know how this will work. 

You will put in all the effort, bucks, acts of service, etc. 

She will let you have sex with her. 

If you're ok with that - proceed. I wouldn't be. 

BTW - I'd see it totally different if she'd said: let's make dinner together at your place, I'll bring the stuff for a salad and desert. 


Her contribution: letting you have sex - her showing up tired from a near all nighter...

These aren't small red flags. 

Besides - don't care what anyone else thinks - if you're going out til 5 am drinking - you are actively hunting....


QUOTE=Wolf1974;12451482]I can tell you from experience that unless you actually have the conversation about being exclusive then sex alone constitutes nothing. I used to make that same assumption, sleeping with a woman meant we are now exclusive, but I met several women who thought nothing of sleeping with you one day, another guy the next and so on. I think this woman is smart to lay down her ground rules up front. I'm not she she was even saying she wanted to be exclusive by date two. I think she was just drawing a line saying hey I don't do this until this happens. I think that's smart.[/QUOTE]


----------



## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

> Please cue me in the unsaid message here.


She has had messy break ups. (who hasn't? I don't make it anyone else's problem)



> I have never tried to organise a date by creating obligations for the guy. Is that effective when the woman takes charge like that?


It seems a bit like a girl in grade school saying, "if you carry my books, I'll let you buy me ice cream."



> ]Maybe she means full on sex, maybe not. Best to ask her what she means by that. Even if she is ready for full on sex, you may want to ask her where she sees this relationship going. Some women can have sex without love. don't be caught out.


I can have sex without love too. I am confident it's full on sex, we've been to third base and we talked about protection and STDs.



> How old is this woman? Regularly hanging out till 5am. I think even once a week is alarming enough. Is this the kind of life style you want? Also, not giving you the Saturday night would suggest that she is still on the prowl. that's how I would interpret it if after the first few dates, the guy was not offering me Saturday nights.


34. I'm 35. She was out late because she got lost coming home from the club she went to. She loves dance music and clubs that play it. Her intention was to be home not long after 2am.

I like going out too, sometimes late, and it could be argued that she has a social life of her own, which is good because I intend to keep mine too. However, that she wasn't at 100% because of the night before isn't good - I screwed up a first date due to being hung over, and it shows to the other person. I don't want to be tucked into the gaps of her schedule.



NextTimeAround said:


> Let's surmise at what might happen if you pass on this weekend. ie, the guys are getting together; longtime friend in town, whatever excuse you choose. Would you be alright if you never heard from her again? As in, you're not that into her and /or any other option that's out there is a step up........ Then pass on this weekend, and see how she reacts.


I don't even know if I want to bother with an excuse - I would just say to her that I didn't think this was going to work out, goodbye.



MEM11363 said:


> She's letting you know how this will work.
> 
> You will put in all the effort, bucks, acts of service, etc.
> 
> ...


Very good points. 

I have a mental image of a 'VISA -Doormat' card


----------



## Morcoll (Apr 22, 2015)

The fact that she kept teasing you previously with 'it'll happen in time' is a red flag to me. The truth is that women even WITH 3 month rules or 3 date rules or whatever WILL break those rules if she feels it.


----------



## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

Jetranger said:


> Any thoughts?


Have you already chosen the ring, and has she told you which registries she's registered with yet?


----------



## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

The outcome of all this is that I ended things, telling her it wasn't going to work out between us.

She probably figures it was due to lack of sex, when in fact it's due to expecting me to be a walking debit card.

The money that would have gone towards buying and making her dinner went on a night out with co-workers.



Morcoll said:


> The fact that she kept teasing you previously with 'it'll happen in time' is a red flag to me. The truth is that women even WITH 3 month rules or 3 date rules or whatever WILL break those rules if she feels it.


I think she figured if she dangled the carrot for four successive dates that I'd agree to anything to finally get it.

EDIT: While it turned out to be an entirely different issue that spoiled things, it was one I foresaw. Ho hum 



Jetranger said:


> If anything, the perception nowadays is if it doesn't happen after a while, you are worried you are being strung along/used for your bank account/being friendzoned.


----------



## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> Are you saying you need to have sex in order to establish commitment?
> 
> I don't think that's how things usually work for women. It's usually commitment then sex.


lol, not for this woman. I ensured that my now husband was good at sex before I ever considered having a serious relationship with him.

For the OP, I can understand someone who wants sexual exclusivity in a relationship for health reasons (even though she doesn't know you well enough to know if you will uphold that anyway) but I personally wouldn't bother to have any kind of a relationship with any woman who put any other conditions upon sex.

Women that use sex as a bargaining tool don't seem like good long-term partners in my opinion.


----------



## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

Jetranger said:


> The outcome of all this is that I ended things


A bullet you dodged, my young Jedi.


----------



## Morcoll (Apr 22, 2015)

Jetranger said:


> The outcome of all this is that I ended things, telling her it wasn't going to work out between us.
> 
> She probably figures it was due to lack of sex, when in fact it's due to expecting me to be a walking debit card.
> 
> ...


You likely did the right thing. It felt, to me, as if she were already using sex as a tool to get you to do things, and it would probably only get worse...


----------



## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

Thanks again for the input, y'all.


----------

