# I Love My Husband, But Here's Why I Want to Cheat



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Don't know if this appears elsewhere, but I thought I'd present it here.

Telling, concise, and honest.

I Love My Husband, But Here's Why I Want to CheatÂ*|Â*Elloa Atkinson

Would love an op-ed from the husband's perspective once his wife had shared her radical honesty.

I tried out the radical honesty thing with a partner. Was interesting. Ultimately it failed. Basically she wanted radical honesty from me not as a healthy outlet of constructively sharing feelings and building a healthy, strong, relationship without secrets.

She wanted it as a stop gap for her own issues and paranoia.

She presumed there always were secrets, or ... I wasn't being honest enough. Or my honesty wasn't in alignment with her honesty. When she started telling me what she thought I was thinking, and keeping from her ... and being utterly and completely off the mark ... I realized it wasn't actually honesty she was looking for.

I said goodbye.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Deejo said:


> Don't know if this appears elsewhere, but I thought I'd present it here.
> 
> Telling, concise, and honest.
> 
> ...


Deejo, my wife is cursed or blessed with "radical honesty." She can't help it. It's just the way she is.

Unlike Elloa, my wife didn't share with me the desire to cheat, she shared with me the news that she was *going* to cheat.

But she assured me that after he affair she would come back to me.

And she did.

And I felt as if I'd been kicked in the chest. A truly horrible, horrible experience I'd not wish on anyone.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

It makes you wonder what your wife would have done if you had informed her that if she did, you wouldn't be waiting for her when she wanted to come back MattMatt?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

larry.gray said:


> It makes you wonder what your wife would have done if you had informed her that if she did, you wouldn't be waiting for her when she wanted to come back MattMatt?


I wonder that too. I think often when people cheat, it does not occur to them that it might end their marriages. I don't know why they don't think that, but it seems fairly common. However, I would think that if people were more clear that "I'll love you forever" does not mean if the other person turns on you you will stay that some people would be less likely to cheat.
MattMatt, what was your response when your wife told you she was going to cheat?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Deejo, my wife is cursed or blessed with "radical honesty." She can't help it. It's just the way she is.
> 
> Unlike Elloa, my wife didn't share with me the desire to cheat, she shared with me the news that she was *going* to cheat.
> 
> ...


Matt, I like you but I will never understand you. I actually think it might be unhealthy of me to try.

Words fail me. There is no excuse aside from total clinically diagnosed insanity, meaning being institutionalized, for your ww behavior.

No disrespect intended but seriously.... have you ever made her face herself?

Has she ever had to own what a vile and despicable person she was?

Did she ever figure out that telling you she was going to fvck another man, doing it and then saying that she would come back to you afterward was a pretty bad idea?

Did she ever stop living on planet slvt bomb and retain residence on Earth?

How can someone value someone else so little? How did she view you then? As a cuckold? How does she view you now?

Sorry if I am asking hurtful questions but your story makes about as much sense as an ice cream shop in the center of the sun.

I know about your ww condition but that does not explain away her truly idiotic behavior.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

BTW Good post Deejo.

Honesty with the intent to strengthen is wonderful!


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

The woman who wrote the article was on a very slippery slope. She knew what she was doing. She let her emotions control her almost to the point that she destroyed her marriage.
I don't believe that couples have to tell each other every thought that crosses their minds. That seems kind of dumb. If a stray, damaging thought crosses a person's mind, it is a personal responsibility to take that thought captive and reset to something appropriate. No need to dwell on it. Once a person begins to dwell on a thought or flame a feeling that is inappropriately directed, it becomes a problem, when it shouldn't have been.
Letting every stray thought take hold is immature and foolish.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

The writer knew she had FOO issues. If they had met in a bar instead of dog walking, she might not have made it.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

I saw that somewhere. More Huff Post pop psych/style mush. (Elloa and Nige?-pass the cappa-latte)

I'll bet the comments run something like:

"OMG, this is totally me. I can completely relate, no matter how freaking insane it sounds."

She's probably a lousy cook, too.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Deejo, my wife is cursed or blessed with "radical honesty." She can't help it. It's just the way she is.
> 
> Unlike Elloa, my wife didn't share with me the desire to cheat, she shared with me the news that she was *going* to cheat.
> 
> ...


MattMatt, this post intrigued me so much that I had to find out more. I went back and read some of your previous threads/posts. I am both sorry for and envious of you simultaneously. You have a depth of character I feel is very rare and lacking in the world. To be able to see beyond what most of us cannot, truly remarkable. Your wife has her condition and you have yours. It takes one to love one sort of thing. Simply amazing. Sorry for the TJ.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

That's what you get when you put your sexual needs first. 

Sexual gratification is a fleeting thing, no matter how good it is.

Maybe this woman needs some hobbies ! LOL

Or better yet, maybe her husband needs to find a TRUE SOULMATE like ASAP !

He ain't your soul mate if you are always looking to cheat. If you are always looking for validation from other men. If your overwhelming need for some "strange" allows you to forget what is really important in this life. 

Having sex is a joy of life, but it's not even in the top 5 of most important things. (In the top 10 though, LOL)


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## Voltaire2013 (Sep 22, 2013)

Deejo said:


> Don't know if this appears elsewhere, but I thought I'd present it here.
> 
> Telling, concise, and honest.
> 
> ...


This was posted a day or 2 ago in CWI. InterestIng view point. I'll leave it at that. 

Cheers,
V(13)


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

larry.gray said:


> It makes you wonder what your wife would have done if you had informed her that if she did, you wouldn't be waiting for her when she wanted to come back MattMatt?


I have thought about that many times.

I was feeling ill at the time Epstein-Barr Virus, so I wasn't at my best.

The other possibility, stomping the **** out of her lover was also something I only recently wondered if I should have done? (And ended up in jail myself? Not likely!)


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

NoChoice said:


> MattMatt, this post intrigued me so much that I had to find out more. I went back and read some of your previous threads/posts. I am both sorry for and envious of you simultaneously. You have a depth of character I feel is very rare and lacking in the world. To be able to see beyond what most of us cannot, truly remarkable. Your wife has her condition and you have yours. It takes one to love one sort of thing. Simply amazing. Sorry for the TJ.


Thank you. That's OK!

At the moment we are suffering from my wife's SAD. Couple that with PMS and ASD and just picture the joyous time we are having.

Ah. I have the answer. Buy some flowers.

Or maybe a tiara?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8i_WpYc3YI4

My wife is not exactly like Amy, but she is more than a little bit like her.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

CynthiaDe said:


> I wonder that too. I think often when people cheat, it does not occur to them that it might end their marriages. I don't know why they don't think that, but it seems fairly common. However, I would think that if people were more clear that "I'll love you forever" does not mean if the other person turns on you you will stay that some people would be less likely to cheat.
> MattMatt, what was your response when your wife told you she was going to cheat?


I was in shock, but I accepted the situation. I really can't recall exactly how I responded.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

My ex told me she thought that when I found out, and here's the quote, "you'd be a little mad, we'd go to marriage counseling, and maybe I'd stop." She was actually incredibly angry at me for having her served divorce papers three weeks after D-Day. She honestly did not think that would happen. And she was so mad.

She didn't get it. She honestly thought that in some horrible way I'd stay at home watching our new baby while she went out with other men. Later she told me her plan was to lie better if I should find out. The response she actually got shocked her.

I can't understand that. How could she not know what my reaction would be? How could she actually fool herself into believing that she could do anything she wanted and I'd just sit there, like a little fool, and support that?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> I was in shock, but I accepted the situation. I really can't recall exactly how I responded.


It sounds like she told you that when you were ill. She hit you while you were already down. I hope she is good to you now.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

larry.gray said:


> It makes you wonder what your wife would have done if you had informed her that if she did, you wouldn't be waiting for her when she wanted to come back MattMatt?


She probably would have accused him of being controlling and without a true understanding of what love is.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

CynthiaDe said:


> I wonder that too. I think often when people cheat, it does not occur to them that it might end their marriages. I don't know why they don't think that, but it seems fairly common. However, I would think that if people were more clear that "I'll love you forever" does not mean if the other person turns on you you will stay that some people would be less likely to cheat.
> MattMatt, what was your response when your wife told you she was going to cheat?


It is common. People don't expect to be caught. And if they do think about it, I think they expected to get yelled at a bit and that's that.

Compartmentalization. That's what it is.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

rustytheboyrobot said:


> My ex told me she thought that when I found out, and here's the quote, "you'd be a little mad, we'd go to marriage counseling, and maybe I'd stop." She was actually incredibly angry at me for having her served divorce papers three weeks after D-Day. She honestly did not think that would happen. And she was so mad.
> 
> She didn't get it. She honestly thought that in some horrible way I'd stay at home watching our new baby while she went out with other men. Later she told me her plan was to lie better if I should find out. The response she actually got shocked her.
> 
> I can't understand that. How could she not know what my reaction would be? How could she actually fool herself into believing that she could do anything she wanted and I'd just sit there, like a little fool, and support that?


I'd guess that she didn't think of it as cheating. It was just a little side excitement, sort of like getting hooked on a weekly TV show.

And I'd guess that you'd subconsciously been moved from romantic lover to father figure or worse, big brother. You were not unloved, you likely were essential since you were at home watching the baby.

By the way, men do this sort of thing too. It may be a consequence for some people of married life becoming too ordinary.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

sidney2718 said:


> I'd guess that she didn't think of it as cheating. It was just a little side excitement, sort of like getting hooked on a weekly TV show.
> 
> And I'd guess that you'd subconsciously been moved from romantic lover to father figure or worse, big brother. You were not unloved, you likely were essential since you were at home watching the baby.
> 
> By the way, men do this sort of thing too. It may be a consequence for some people of married life becoming too ordinary.



Uh...goofy.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Deejo said:


> Don't know if this appears elsewhere, but I thought I'd present it here.
> 
> Telling, concise, and honest.
> 
> ...


Radical honesty naively presumes that people are honest with themselves. Naivety from the person thinking they want to tell it as well have naivety for the one thinking they want to know it.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

*Re: Re: I Love My Husband, But Here's Why I Want to Cheat*



barbados said:


> Having sex is a joy of life, but it's not even in the top 5 of most important things. (In the top 10 though, LOL)


You're correct. Sex isn't in my top 5. It's in my top 3.


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

vis a vis matt matt's story:

Medical help, better awareness of the impact of infidelity on the spouse, wisdom that age brings,… …even after all these are taken into consideration, the fact she could overcome / supersede / sidestep her asperger’s and NEVER cheat again makes one wonder whether it wasn’t possible *the first time around too*, if the consequences were articulated clearly and she deemed those consequences (losing him, broken family, etc) too costly.

One wonders.

Perhaps she still would have gone ahead and done that, and he knew that and did not want to lose her, so he just carried the cross. He did post somewhere that he thought he couldn't do betterthan her, at that stage of his life.
(and he is likely to say he couldn't do better even now - being so devoted to her). lucky woman.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> Deejo, my wife is cursed or blessed with "radical honesty." She can't help it. It's just the way she is.
> 
> Unlike Elloa, my wife didn't share with me the desire to cheat, she shared with me the news that she was *going* to cheat.
> 
> ...


I am curious Matt, why didn't you tell her not to bother coming back ?

How did you deal with it when she was cheating and why did you take her back like nothing happened ?

I am confused


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

rustytheboyrobot said:


> My ex told me she thought that when I found out, and here's the quote, "you'd be a little mad, we'd go to marriage counseling, and maybe I'd stop." She was actually incredibly angry at me for having her served divorce papers three weeks after D-Day. She honestly did not think that would happen. And she was so mad.
> 
> She didn't get it. She honestly thought that in some horrible way I'd stay at home watching our new baby while she went out with other men. Later she told me her plan was to lie better if I should find out. The response she actually got shocked her.
> 
> I can't understand that. How could she not know what my reaction would be? How could she actually fool herself into believing that she could do anything she wanted and I'd just sit there, like a little fool, and support that?


you are a good man Rusty. You handled the situation decisively and hit back hard. Sounds like the ex got a case of the arse and thought you were weak. Her loss for sure. I wonder how she felt about it when the divorce was final ?


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

My ex wife, too, practiced radical honesty. Every time she got angry. Her anger management issues forced her to tell me about her affair, so , in a way, I'm glad she got angry, or the affair might have continued. and I would have been married to a cheater.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

wmn1 said:


> I am curious Matt, why didn't you tell her not to bother coming back ?
> 
> How did you deal with it when she was cheating and why did you take her back like nothing happened ?
> 
> I am confused


Not MattMatt, but answering it anyways.

I sort of have been in this situation with the Ex wife several times.
My Ex wife looked to cheat several times that I caught her. I only really caught her after the fact the last time. But prior to that I always caught her before it happen. 

Nonetheless at those times I can look back and just say it was Love for her, my kids and lifestyle. For *ME* everything was fine. I didn't see *ANYTHING WRONG*.. I had seen my mom and countless coworkers (Police Officers) go through so many horrendous divorces. I've known men that killed themselves afterwards.. 

I didn't want to be that stereotypical Cop that is divorced and broke in money and spirit.. I just didn't want to be *that guy*.. I've seen and worked with that guy. He was *MISERABLE* and all women were Kunts to him. He was arrested, had his guns taken away, ruined his career and was going no where else for the remainder of it. For any Cop that got into a divorce, it was either STFU and take in the a$$ from the soon to be Ex spouse or crash and burn.. 

I've said this in the past and it's worth repeating here. Beyond those moments, my Ex wife did NOT treat me bad.. She was loving and caring to me and the kids.. She waited on me hand and foot. Our arguments were minimal at best.. Sex was never an issue. 

I believed or wanted to believe that I could see the good inside my Ex wife, even when she couldn't.. 

I can tell you that Catching my Ex wife before an affair and during the Affair are *two totally different feelings*.. I can equate it to almost being shot and being shot..

I believe that everything just isn't black and white all the time.. It isn't spouse cheats so you get divorced.. 

As for the Article..

I'm in two camps.. 

1. Like being a reformed smoker and hating the smell of smoke. It killed me that this women 2 years into the marriage would think this way. I do understand that the relationship was much longer and that counts as well. But that she didn't cut this off right at the first moment bothered me. I felt like next time around she could take it much further. 

2. Knowing how I felt catching my Ex wife before and during the affairs.. I can say I am happy this person confronted her husband and expressed how she was feeling. I would imagine she just didn't say I'm looking to cheat and its your fault.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

CynthiaDe said:


> It sounds like she told you that when you were ill. She hit you while you were already down. I hope she is good to you now.


Very, very good to me.

In fact she has actually saved my life a few times. She spotted my high blood pressure before the doctors did. She also diagnosed my diabetes years before the doctors did, for example.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

wmn1 said:


> I am curious Matt, why didn't you tell her not to bother coming back ?
> 
> How did you deal with it when she was cheating and why did you take her back like nothing happened ?
> 
> I am confused


I had reasons that were valid. which I am not going to go into again. 

As if nothing had happened? Oh, boy, that's far from the truth!

Because then comes the next chapter in my life, the idiotic, accidental, drunken RA.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Matt matt, did she inform you immediately before she was going to cheat or was there lead time involved?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Deejo, my wife is cursed or blessed with "radical honesty." She can't help it. It's just the way she is.
> 
> Unlike Elloa, my wife didn't share with me the desire to cheat, she shared with me the news that she was *going* to cheat.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Matt I want to ask you. Do you tell this story so that others willearn from your mistake (i.e. Kicking her to the curb or leaving her), or do you think if you tell it enough at some point your heart and mind will align one day and you will forgive yourself for being weak?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Matt is sui generis. Perhaps uniquely made to love this totally f*cked up woman.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

wmn1 said:


> you are a good man Rusty. You handled the situation decisively and hit back hard. Sounds like the ex got a case of the arse and thought you were weak. Her loss for sure. I wonder how she felt about it when the divorce was final ?


She is playing games and stalling on the divorce because she doesn't want to have to face any consequences for her actions. It's been nearly a year and from what my lawyer says may be another year. During mediation when she finally realized that there were going to be consequences she freaked out and stopped cooperating.

She's used to living with my money, our house, my stuff, our stuff, her stuff, and our child. I'm used to living with nothing now. Any gain is a huge gain to me.

The system is severely broken from my point of view.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

weightlifter said:


> Matt matt, did she inform you immediately before she was going to cheat or was there lead time involved?


Hardly any time at all, that I can recall.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Harken Banks said:


> Matt is sui generis. Perhaps uniquely made to love this totally f*cked up woman.


Thank you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Matt I want to ask you. Do you tell this story so that others willearn from your mistake (i.e. Kicking her to the curb or leaving her), or do you think if you tell it enough at some point your heart and mind will align one day and you will forgive yourself for being weak?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, just talking out a problem, Bandit, has certainly helped me.

It would have been far, far easier for me to have told her to f*** off, but I'd made a promise to look after her and that promise was too important for me to break.

Plus I still love her.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Thank you.


Any time, brother.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Well, just talking out a problem, Bandit, has certainly helped me.
> 
> It would have been far, far easier for me to have told her to f*** off, but I'd made a promise to look after her and that promise was too important for me to break.
> 
> Plus I still love her.


If you can live with that then more power to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Matt, I like you but I will never understand you. I actually think it might be unhealthy of me to try.
> 
> Words fail me. There is no excuse aside from total clinically diagnosed insanity, meaning being institutionalized, for your ww behavior.
> 
> ...


Are you kidding me! What she did was preferable and in truth just a highly accelerated version of all the BS people go thru. to hear without denial "I'm going to get my **** on tonight, leave me some leftover's and record Idol for me, thanks!" No wondering, gas lighting, constant lying, psychological warfare, you name it. And Matt got a heads up about not what she was thinking about doing, but what she was going to do. 

Matt, Are you still with this woman? What happened afterward?


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

CynthiaDe said:


> The woman who wrote the article was on a very slippery slope. She knew what she was doing. She let her emotions control her almost to the point that she destroyed her marriage.
> I don't believe that couples have to tell each other every thought that crosses their minds. That seems kind of dumb. If a stray, damaging thought crosses a person's mind, it is a personal responsibility to take that thought captive and reset to something appropriate. No need to dwell on it. Once a person begins to dwell on a thought or flame a feeling that is inappropriately directed, it becomes a problem, when it shouldn't have been.
> Letting every stray thought take hold is immature and foolish.


I'm with you on this. Is it really necessary to tell your spouse when or how many people you have fantasized about, which people besides them you have been attracted to during your marriage, at which points in the marriage you have been more attracted to someone else than you were to them, who those people were or are and how difficult it was for you to resist your attraction to them? you might as well throw in the mix which attractive physical or emotional qualities you see in other people that your spouse lacks. 

I think you see where I'm going with this. It is always necessary to take your spouse's feelings into account before you decide to go "radically honest" with them. A lot of these thoughts have more to do with the inner problems of the thinker than the marriage they are in. and always remember that the recipient spouse then has the option of laying on you all of their sexual thoughts and desires.....the ones that don't involve you. frankly I often think that such "honesty" is a brilliantly cloaked dose of passive aggression.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

This woman did not suffer the occasional stray thought. She staged accidental encounters with the object of her infatuation. Lingered. Became hooked on the probably unsubtle ambiguity of his availability. Sounds to me like several acts of infidelity. A deliberate pattern, even. And dishonest. How many times does she protest that she was not attracted? Observing that a person is attractive is fine and commonplace and harmless, if not somewhat healthy even. Nothing in what this woman described strikes me as harmless or healthy. Seems like a bit of nutcase. She alludes to FOO issues that drive her to sabotage relationships. Sounds to me like indulgent, self-excusing, narcissistic tripe.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

IIJokerII said:


> Are you kidding me! What she did was preferable and in truth just a highly accelerated version of all the BS people go thru. to hear without denial "I'm going to get my **** on tonight, leave me some leftover's and record Idol for me, thanks!" No wondering, gas lighting, constant lying, psychological warfare, you name it. And Matt got a heads up about not what she was thinking about doing, but what she was going to do.
> 
> Matt, Are you still with this woman? What happened afterward?


Yeah, still together, the 25 year mark now, in total.

What happened was, she cheated, I drank way too much to cope, I had a stupid RA (which I didn't realise was a RA until I found TAM) and then we reconciled and we're still together.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I agree. She does seem like a nut case. It seems her life is based on feeling, rather than using her brain.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Harken Banks said:


> This woman did not suffer the occasional stray thought. She staged accidental encounters with the object of her infatuation. Lingered. Became hooked on the probably unsubtle ambiguity of his availability. Sounds to me like several acts of infidelity. A deliberate pattern, even. And dishonest. How many times does she protest that she was not attracted? Observing that a person is attractive is fine and commonplace and harmless, if not somewhat healthy even. Nothing in what this woman described strikes me as harmless or healthy. Seems like a bit of nutcase. She alludes to FOO issues that drive her to sabotage relationships. Sounds to me like indulgent, self-excusing, narcissistic tripe.


Harken, it's possible to have an affair with someone to whom you are not 'physically' attracted. Sometimes they have something a person wants or needs which isn't necessarily good looks.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

*Re: Re: I Love My Husband, But Here's Why I Want to Cheat*



CynthiaDe said:


> I agree. She does seem like a nut case. It seems her life is based on feeling, rather than using her brain.


Sounds like my kind of girl ...


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

*Re: Re: I Love My Husband, But Here's Why I Want to Cheat*



MattMatt said:


> Harken, it's possible to have an affair with someone to whom you are not 'physically' attracted. Sometimes they have something a person wants or needs which isn't necessarily good looks.


This was my ex ' s affair. He was the antithesis of what and who she is attracted to. 

But, he was available and invested in her.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Harken, it's possible to have an affair with someone to whom you are not 'physically' attracted. Sometimes they have something a person wants or needs which isn't necessarily good looks.


Yes. I think I understand that. Maybe more so for women, attraction may not be based on movie star good looks. But attraction is attraction. Maybe I am not appreciating that in some of these cases what's compelling is not attraction as conventionally understood, but some other drive, self-destructive, self-sabatoging, escapist, rebellious, perverse, the rush of adventure or taboo, or something else entirely. She does write that she was not attracted physically. But she first and repeatedly writes that she was not attracted. As if she were impelled. Maybe so. Still, then, a nut job. Maybe more so for being carried away with patent irrationality and some internal defect rather than conventional attraction.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Harken Banks said:


> Yes. I think I understand that. Maybe more so for women, attraction may not be based on movie star good looks. But attraction is attraction. Maybe I am not appreciating that in some of these cases what's compelling is not attraction as conventionally understood, but some other drive, self-destructive, self-sabatoging, escapist, rebellious, perverse, the rush of adventure or taboo, or something else entirely. She does write that she was not attracted physically. But she first and repeatedly writes that she was not attracted. As if she were impelled. Maybe so. Still, then, a nut job. Maybe more so for being carried away with patent irrationality and some internal defect rather than conventional attraction.


The internet if a perfect indication that emotional attraction can and frequently does supersede physical and perceptual attraction. This is one of the things Athol's MMSLP seems to have dismissed since the perceptual aspect of a proper mate for making a baby cannot be accomplished. 

In most cases from what is read the OM/OW is not as attractive but the emotional attentiveness solidifies the bond, rather quickly too, and by then any and all imperfections, problems, or other issues that would effect a normal relationships initial impression are completely disregarded.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

IIJokerII said:


> The internet if a perfect indication that emotional attraction can and frequently does supersede physical and perceptual attraction. This is one of the things Athol's MMSLP seems to have dismissed since the perceptual aspect of a proper mate for making a baby cannot be accomplished.
> 
> In most cases from what is read the OM/OW is not as attractive but the emotional attentiveness solidifies the bond, rather quickly too, and by then any and all imperfections, problems, or other issues that would effect a normal relationships initial impression are completely disregarded.


Yes. This says more clearly and succinctly some of what I meant to say. From her description of events, it seems she was quite clearly attracted to this guy. Like a moth to the flame. And then she seems to go on to lay it off on some psychological and emotional scarring from her childhood.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Maybe she wasn't attracted to him, but was attracted to the idea that he was attracted to her. She liked the attention and wanted to see how far she could take it. It was all about her, how she felt, how he could make her feel. What does she offer to her relationships? She shows herself to be self-centered. That impacts every area of a person's life. I wonder if her husband thinks she is his "soul mate?" He may be wondering what he got himself into.
Her radical honest only extends to when she has to get something off her chest, otherwise she seems pretty dishonest, even to herself.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

CynthiaDe said:


> Maybe she wasn't attracted to him, but was attracted to the idea that he was attracted to her. She liked the attention and wanted to see how far she could take it. It was all about her, how she felt, how he could make her feel. What does she offer to her relationships? She shows herself to be self-centered. That impacts every area of a person's life. I wonder if her husband thinks she is his "soul mate?" He may be wondering what he got himself into.
> Her radical honest only extends to when she has to get something off her chest, otherwise she seems pretty dishonest, even to herself.


When I read this post this morning I thought that makes a lot of sense and explains things in a way that makes sense and that I hadn't and would not have thought of. Good insights are that way. Once presented and lucidly explained, they seem obvious. And then, just now, apropos of nothing, I thought, cutting through the denials and manufactured complexity, this was attraction. Pure and simple. Maybe she was attracted to this guy because he was available and showed interest, filled her love bank, made her feel desired, desirable, alive, high on the attention, whatever. Whatever the process and however screwed up, she lit up like a Christmas tree.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

sidney2718 said:


> I'd guess that she didn't think of it as cheating. It was just a little side excitement, sort of like getting hooked on a weekly TV show.
> 
> And I'd guess that you'd subconsciously been moved from romantic lover to father figure or worse, big brother. You were not unloved, you likely were essential since you were at home watching the baby.
> 
> By the way, men do this sort of thing too. It may be a consequence for some people of married life becoming too ordinary.


The affair I found that day started a year BEFORE we got married. I found that one because I was looking for evidence of a different one. That other one started six months before. Funny thing they didn't know about each other. Though they both knew about me. The six month affair I met the guy several times before I knew.

She's promised to tell me about more affairs after the divorce is final.

I have no idea what I was to her or why anyone would behave this way. And I don't believe in love anymore. Love is a mental disorder.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

rustytheboyrobot said:


> The affair I found that day started a year BEFORE we got married. I found that one because I was looking for evidence of a different one. That other one started six months before. Funny thing they didn't know about each other. Though they both knew about me. The six month affair I met the guy several times before I knew.
> 
> She's promised to tell me about more affairs after the divorce is final.
> 
> I have no idea what I was to her or why anyone would behave this way. And I don't believe in love anymore. Love is a mental disorder.


You need counselling to help you post-divorce, Rusty.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> You need counselling to help you post-divorce, Rusty.


Post divorce I'll be able to afford counseling. Right now from the temporary orders she's getting about 70% of my income. Post actual divorce if things go well she'll be paying me. Once she realized that she started playing games to drag things out. Right now she's changing lawyers about a week before every hearing. I'd love to go to counseling but then I wouldn't have enough money to give her for our house that I can't live in.


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