# Different sex drives- how important is this?



## PAgirl (Sep 10, 2013)

What do you do when the man has a very low sex drive versus the woman? I have a feeling some of you will say this is rare. But that is the way it has always been with my husband. I thought our sex life would improve over time, but never has. We would do it maybe once a month and only because I would initiate it. And no, he isnt cheating. He just doesnt want to that often. And even when we do, he cant "finish" and definitely cant get it erect again that same night... so there is never a round two. And its ALWAYS been this way and we have been together for nearly 10 years. Even the first time we did it while we were dating, I remember feeling disappointed. I feel like besides all our fighting in our marriage, I shouldve realized that we werent right for each other and shouldnt have married him in the first place. 

My question is, was your sex life with your partner part of your decision to believe this was the person you should marry?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Honestly, it should have been. There were warning signs, but I ignored them.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I actually just wrote a post on this topic - a way too long post that I decided to not publish.

I met a great guy and I knew before we had sex that I wanted to marry him. In many ways he was and is a very good match for me. When we did start having sex I could tell we weren't the best match even then, even from the first time. (Married 18 years.)

I'd had 4 sexual partners before my husband. I'd never had an orgasm with any of them. I had one partner that I was with for 3 years. He was very experienced at sex. The bulk of my sexual experience before getting married was from him. He never seemed to notice or care if I had an orgasm. We had sex all day, all weekend sometimes. Every day (as much as will allow if you aren't living together) - different places, different positions - and no orgasm.

So - it hadn't happened before my husband and it didn't start happening after him. It was what I knew, it was the way it always had been. I didn't make my relationship decisions based on orgasms. I felt optimistic that things would improve with a spouse I was living with and married to and over time. 

We have regular sex, it's not so much a disparity of frequency, it's more that we do not speak the same sexual language. Over the last year especially I continue to raise this issue and every time he seems surprised. From his point of view all is well with both of us. Great man - I love his company - he just does not see it the way I see it.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

The first two years of my relationship with the wife were great in the sex dept. One reason that I married her was the great sex. It was not something out of a XXX movie but it was ever so satisfying physically and emotionally. We both initiated. There was no real pattern to it. If I would have known that she would cease having interest in it, I would have moved on and not married. So to answer the question from the OP, Yes it is part of the decision to marry or not marry someone.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

PAgirl asked: "My question is, was your sex life with your partner part of your decision to believe this was the person you should marry?"


It wasn't the first time, and I am divorced from that marriage.

It was DEFINITELY part of the deciding factor the second time, and I am now married to the man of my dreams.

As for men with low sex drives...this is actually very common. But more men write about their wives with lower sex drives than women write about their husbands. I have personally known several women married to men with low sex drives, and I know it is very frustrating and painful.

The bottom line is usually that you cannot change another person's sexual level. If they want to change it by their own effort and willpower, it can happen but it is up to them to make the choice. You can encourage them to make the choice with communication and counseling, but there are no guarantees.

When you talk about the problem with him, what does he say? I am assuming he says things like "this is just how I am", is that correct?


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## PAgirl (Sep 10, 2013)

tyler1978 said:


> The first two years of my relationship with the wife were great in the sex dept. One reason that I married her was the great sex. It was not something out of a XXX movie but it was ever so satisfying physically and emotionally. We both initiated. There was no real pattern to it. If I would have known that she would cease having interest in it, I would have moved on and not married. So to answer the question from the OP, Yes it is part of the decision to marry or not marry someone.


At least it WAS great at one time.. and for two years even! If she lost interest, maybe there is hope that you can get counseling and get her interested again. For me, it never was satisfying. I mean I did at times have an orgasm with him, but overall it never felt like we connected right in that way. I remember thinking that a marriage should not be based on sex anyway. And of course it shouldnt, but now I think its more important than I had realized. I really didnt know any better. Live and learn.


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

It was part of my decision but not all of it. Through out our six years of dating sex was plenty, she initiated a lot of it and seemed to enjoy it. I always made sure she orgasmed. As a matter of fact the first time we had sex she was the initiator. It wasn't until we had kids that she lost all interest.

If I knew that she was really a LD person putting on a good show to keep me interested I would mot have asked her to marry me.


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## PAgirl (Sep 10, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> When you talk about the problem with him, what does he say? I am assuming he says things like "this is just how I am", is that correct?


Yep! He says he is happy with how things are. I dont think he cares about my needs. He has no interest in other positions. Its just so passionless and mechanical.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Do you have kids?

If things never changed from how they are now, would you stay married to him forever?


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## PAgirl (Sep 10, 2013)

Alwayslearning: whats an LD person??


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## PAgirl (Sep 10, 2013)

Yes, two kids. No I just recently retained an attorney and am waiting to receive the paperwork to file for divorce. There are tons of other issues in our marriage. Im just thinking about everything... making sure divorcing is for sure the right thing. And also trying to learn from my mistakes for any future relationships.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

I read recently LD is 50/50 men and women.
It's just that no-one talks about LD men...so everyone THINKS it's rare.
It's not.

Good sex was definitely part of my decision to marry hubby. 
Sex and physical intimacy are a big part of our relationship.

Do you know why he can't finish? Has he seen a doctor? Can he O on his own?
That on it's own 'might' put him off bothering with sex... the O is a big part of the fun isn't it 
Does he seem frustrated?

Tough lesson though... if the sex/physical intimacy sucks before marriage it's only going to get worse over the coming years.
I've never seen or heard of it going from bad to wonderful...ever.


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## Kdolo14 (Oct 20, 2013)

I've talked to a lot of my married buddies and they all complain that sex is just not as much a concern after marriage...and after kids it becomes a hassle. So frustrating


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

PAgirl said:


> My question is, was your sex life with your partner part of your decision to believe this was the person you should marry?


It was very much a part of our decision. It was a second marriage for us both, and our first marriages were very unsatisfying and disappointing in this area (and others). Neither of us were willing to accept that ever again no matter how good other aspects were.

We lived together for over 7 years before finally deciding to marry, and _all_ aspects of the relationship were great all that time, and if anything, the sex got better and stayed as frequent (daily plus).


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## PAgirl (Sep 10, 2013)

waiwera said:


> Do you know why he can't finish? Has he seen a doctor? Can he O on his own?
> That on it's own 'might' put him off bothering with sex... the O is a big part of the fun isn't it
> Does he seem frustrated.


I should correct myself. I shouldve said he often doesnt finish... not everytime. Its not like he cant, ever. He can O when he masterbates no problem. Which i dont get that. Its not me.. Im attractive and all. I dont know what it is.
The only reason we think (yes we have talked about it) is that he takes Paxil for anxiety. That could cause a problem for ejaculation. 

He doesnt seem frustrated. He says he isnt. But its hard to read him.


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## PAgirl (Sep 10, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> It was very much a part of our decision. It was a second marriage for us both, and our first marriages were very unsatisfying and disappointing in this area (and others). Neither of us were willing to accept that ever again no matter how good other aspects were.
> 
> We lived together for over 7 years before finally deciding to marry, and _all_ aspects of the relationship were great all that time, and if anything, the sex got better and stayed as frequent (daily plus).


Thank you! This helps a lot. Its encouraging to hear that after years of being together, couples can still have great sex, intimacy. Its really important. I plan on making better decisions in the future.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

PAgirl said:


> At least it WAS great at one time.. and for two years even! If she lost interest, maybe there is hope that you can get counseling and get her interested again. For me, it never was satisfying. I mean I did at times have an orgasm with him, but overall it never felt like we connected right in that way. I remember thinking that a marriage should not be based on sex anyway. And of course it shouldnt, but now I think its more important than I had realized. I really didnt know any better. Live and learn.


I am in your boat but with different timing. From the end of year 2 to currently mid year 5, my sex life has pretty much dried up. As time goes on, it becomes less frequent and less passionate when it does happen. When do we have sex, it is a race to get it over with and so the connection is nonexistent. I was not aware that someone could go from being sexually active to having no desire at all. It is hard to not start doubting yourself.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

PAgirl said:


> He can O when he masterbates no problem. Which i dont get that. Its not me.. Im attractive and all. I dont know what it is.
> The only reason we think (yes we have talked about it) is that he takes Paxil for anxiety. That could cause a problem for ejaculation.


Does he look at porn when he masturbates?
There are some men who get to the stage where they can ONLY perform when porn is involved.
Also what about his hand grip, some men masturbate with a 'vice-like' grip on their penis, no vagina or mouth can replicate that!

Wouldn't the Paxil effect all his attempts to O...not just when he is with you.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

PAgirl said:


> My question is, was your sex life with your partner part of your decision to believe this was the person you should marry?


Yes. We had explosive sexual chemistry from the day we met. We also had explosive fights. We're not at all alike personality wise. We fought and fvcked like crazy for ten years before we got married and had kids.

You can and should do all you can to find a good sexual match, but this is no guarantee that sex will be great and satisfying forever. Circumstances of life can affect drive and desire for both men and women, and when this happens, how is handled by the HD spouse can determine when (and if) the drive comes back for the LD spouse. 

When good sex falls away, there is a cause other than "she/he just stopped liking sex" or "she/he is selfish and ignoring my needs" or "bait and switch!" It's so, so hard to ferret out the reason. It requires a willingness for both parties to look at their role in the dynamic. It requires the setting aside of pride and opening up emotionally in very vulnerable and uncomfortable ways. Often the LD person doesn't even understand where their drive or their desire has gone. Sometimes IC can help with this. People don't just recover lost drives overnight, I'm afraid. It's really quite complicated and, sadly, a lot of couples don't find a way through it.

Effective communication aimed at rooting out the problem and not shaming the LD spouse while validating the intimacy needs of the HD spouse is the only way to approach the problem with any hope of success. Yeah, complicated.


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## PAgirl (Sep 10, 2013)

waiwera said:


> Does he look at porn when he masturbates?
> There are some men who get to the stage where they can ONLY perform when porn is involved.
> Also what about his hand grip, some men masturbate with a 'vice-like' grip on their penis, no vagina or mouth can replicate that!
> 
> Wouldn't the Paxil effect all his attempts to O...not just when he is with you.


You make a good point about the Paxil. I didn't even think of that. 

I have no idea on the hand grip. And yes, he does look at porn mags but I don't know how often. I have seen them in the closet.


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## PAgirl (Sep 10, 2013)

GettingIt said:


> Yes. We had explosive sexual chemistry from the day we met. We also had explosive fights. We're not at all alike personality wise. We fought and fvcked like crazy for ten years before we got married and had kids.
> 
> You can and should do all you can to find a good sexual match, but this is no guarantee that sex will be great and satisfying forever. Circumstances of life can affect drive and desire for both men and women, and when this happens, how is handled by the HD spouse can determine when (and if) the drive comes back for the LD spouse.
> 
> ...


Hmm does sound complicated. But makes sense. Every relationship takes work. Im a great communicator, that is my biggest strength. But finding a man that can also communicate well can be a challenge.


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

PAgirl said:


> Alwayslearning: whats an LD person??


Low sex Drive or Low Desire


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