# Sex on a schedule



## SageAndCyan (Jan 27, 2016)

I normally wouldn't go as far as to seek help from people I don't know, or really talk about an intimate issue like this but I'm finding myself in something of a conundrum. I've been in a relationship with my wife for 11 years, married 2. We enjoy a very intimate relationship with (normally) excellent communication. We've had in depth discussions about sexuality, death, contingencies for our life plans, moving to give the other a better chance at a career, for us there's nothing that is off the table to talk about. It gives us both a healthy security in expressing our thoughts and understanding each other. I needed to start by explaining this, because I love my wife and I deeply appreciate her. 

However she also has very heavy anxiety and self esteem issues. It's something I've tried hard to work with her on for a long time, and I know this is a patience thing. However sometimes it means I have to walk on eggshells at the expense of my own emotional state. I accept that, I knew going in it was something I would be dealing with. However there was an event last night that set me off and I don't feel like I can freely talk to her about it for fear of sending her into a self-deprecation streak that would only make things worse. 

So this is what happened: I'm in the middle of my extremely stressful busy season at work, and sometimes when I'm stressed I'm not always thinking about maintaining our sex life. So when my wife tells me she'd like to do something I make a point of listening because I know I can sometimes be distant during this time. So she heads to bed (after expressing this interest) at 10, and I follow her. We're in bed, ready, but she's cold and wants to warm up first. So she's now putting her icy feet on my legs to warm up (which I accept, as she gets joint pain when its cold) and I offer to run her a bath, or warm up the hot stone treater we have or even get a hand warmer to help with the process. She tells me it's fine and she just needs to warm up. Fast forward to 11:00, I'm still sitting there, she says she's "almost warm" and I start getting a little reserved about what's happening but I'm still there. 11:30 rolls around and I realize she's fast asleep. It takes me a moment to process this, and I calmly get up, get dressed and leave the room. She wakes up during the process and rolls over.

I'm not tired, don't really feel like being in bed so I get up. I do some work, make a lunch, do the dishes and look at the clock. It's 12:30 am, I have to be up at 6 and I'm doing the dishes after midnight. I realize that I'm upset about this. A while later she gets up and apologizes profusely for what happened. I tell her not to worry about it, knowing that if I said anything she'd be feeling terrible about this for the next two weeks and tell her to just go back to bed. She asks if I want to do something now, but to me that's absurd. First of all, and I apologize if this is a bit more information than needed, 15-20 minutes for me is relatively quick foray in the bedroom. That would be around 1 o'clock. Even then, I'm really not feeling intimate anymore and even if I was I know she'd be doing it because she felt guilty. I can tell you that that is all sorts of not ok with me. 

I pass it off, finish up what I'm doing and head to bed finally. She's asleep again. I tell myself that it's just this one time and she didn't mean it. Except, it isn't just this one time. This has happened before. It's never been quite this blatant or bad, but this is probably the 3rd or 4th time it's happened where she just fell asleep. That's only counting when I come to bed with her immediately, if I'm working on something (or god forbid, get distracted) and she's in bed for 10 minutes before I get there she'll be out. That's a regular occurance. The more I think about it the more I realize that sex happens on her terms. She has some chronic health issues involving her stomach and headaches, so it's a no go when these things happen. Additionally, she really wants to have it before bed rather than interrupting the night (weekends can be different, but aren't usually) which means that there is a golden time between about 10:00 and 10:20 when she's ready. 

I know that I'm probably exaggerating this in my mind. However what can set me off sometimes is that she asks that I initiate things in bed more. I realize that when we were younger I did, but as time has gone on I've learned that she'd say yes about 1 in 5 times and feel really bad the other 4. I'm not going to be the guy to hound my wife for sex, period. So slowly I began to let her initiate things because she knows when she can, without consciously realizing it. 

I know, KNOW she's not doing this on purpose. We've been around on this topic once before, but last night was very upsetting to me. I don't want to hit her with this because her self esteem can be so low and I know she'll be grinding on this for a while. Last time this happened I listened to her hiding the fact that she was crying for DAYS. I don't like her to feel that way, then I feel guilty for talking about it and feel the need to cheer her up. I realize I'm trapped, emotionally. I want my wife to be happy, but I also know that if I do it at the expense of my own feelings that eventually that'll turn into resentment. I want to be honest with her, but I also know that if I do I'll also be the one feeling obligated to making her feel better. I can try to initiate things more often, but she'll feel guilty and I'll feel rejected if I'm choosing the wrong time. 

I guess more than anything right now I just feel like my feelings are hurt and for the first time I really can't express that to my wife and best friend of 11 years, and I really don't have the kind of relationship with anyone else in my life to comfortably talk about it. I'm not really sure what to say or feel right now to get through this. Any advice?


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

I would recommend that you agree on a schedule something like this:

"We will have sex on Mondays and Thursdays at 10 PM, unless one of us is ill, in which case we will postpone until the next evening at the same time, assuming both are okay then".

This may not sound very romantic, but it can work.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I'm not sure I understand your post. I assume from what I read you are the one who wants more sex, but due to fear of being rejected you decided to let her initiate every time.

Anyway, I think your wife is using techniques to control you pretty much on purpose. Having low self esteem which allows her to control the marriage where she gets to decide all terms and you have to swallow everything. You are afraid of your wife.

You should get a little more assertive. You should tell her, wife if you needed a ride somewhere, and I told you I would give you the ride, and then I never showed up, I don't think you'd be too happy. This is how I feel.

If she 'freaks out' because of her low self esteem, you can tell her that if it makes her feel bad to have her wrong behavior pointed out to her, then she can fix it by treating you better.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

SageAndCyan said:


> We're in bed, ready, but she's cold and *wants to warm up first.* So she's now putting her icy feet on my legs to warm up (which I accept, as she gets joint pain when its cold) and I offer to run her a bath, or warm up the hot stone treater we have or even get a hand warmer to help with the process. *She tells me it's fine and she just needs to warm up.* Fast forward to 11:00, I'm still sitting there, *she says she's "almost warm"* and I start getting a little reserved about what's happening but I'm still there.


For whatever reason (probably her anxiety and low self-esteem issues) she was stalling. An hour and a half to "warm up"? :scratchhead:

Besides, I can't think of a better way to "warm up" than by having sex!

I think you're bending over backwards to accommodate her in order to avoid the inevitable fallout headed your way due to her emotional instability. The moment she started the stalling tactic, that should have been your cue to calmly exit the room. "I'm going back downstairs. Call me when you've warmed up!"

You're coddling her because you love her, and you want to avoid causing her any hurt or further insecurity. But you are absolutely correct -- all that will do is leave YOU emotionally raw and it will breed resentment; and resentment is a relationship killer.

You cannot "fix" her by coddling her or avoiding your own feelings. *She should get into counseling to deal with her anxiety and esteem issues.* And I'm talking probable long-term therapy -- this will not be a quick fix. In the meantime, do what tech suggested: schedule sex twice a week at 10pm.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

And maybe consider getting her a pair of these...


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

SageAndCyan said:


> 1. However she also has very heavy anxiety and self esteem issues. It's something I've tried hard to work with her on for a long time, and I know this is a patience thing. However sometimes it means I have to walk on eggshells at the expense of my own emotional state.
> 
> 2. So this is what happened: I'm in the middle of my extremely stressful busy season at work, and sometimes when I'm stressed I'm not always thinking about maintaining our sex life.
> 
> ...


The numbers in my answer correspond to the numbers in your original post.
1. It is considerate that you are aware of your wife's anxiety and self esteem issues. However those issues should not get in the way of honest communication. You are allowed to tell her, in a kind and respectful manner, that you are upset and why. She needs to allow you that freedom, and if she can't handle any criticism because of her anxiety and self esteem issues, she needs to get counseling to work on that.

2. As another poster said, can you initiate sex more, during a time that works for both of you? Putting work before sex, to the point of not initiating it, and your wife having to initiate it regularly will hurt your marriage in the long run.

3. Tell her earlier in the day that you want to have sex at 10 p.m., and ask her to have taken a bath, or whatever it takes for her to get warm before the two of you start.

Have you considered that she is not really wanting to have sex, but she is wanting to cuddle with you? An indication of that is she feels so relaxed with you that she falls asleep. If that is the case she needs to be honest with you and not use sex as a ruse to get her cuddling time in. The more I think about it, the more I think that this is the real issue going on.

The most important thing here is that you talk to her about it, and you tell her your feelings, so the two of you can come to an amicable solution to the various problems.


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## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> Have you considered that she is not really wanting to have sex, but she is wanting to cuddle with you? An indication of that is she feels so relaxed with you that she falls asleep. If that is the case she needs to be honest with you and not use sex as a ruse to get her cuddling time in. The more I think about it, the more I think that this is the real issue going on.


I got that impression too. Maybe she knows he won't drop everything to cuddle, so she's using sex to bribe him into bed and get her cuddling need met.


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## 2ndchanceGuy (Sep 28, 2015)

forget the schedule. My X wife was similar to yours. ( anxiety ) I suggest you learn how to wake her up by massaging her in a sexy way. Sometimes you get an elbow but sometimes you get lovin 
Make sure your hands are warm !


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

To me it just seems plain creepy to have scheduled sex. You don't know how lucky you are that your wife wants to regularly have sex with you. There are plent of us who wish that we had that, even sometimes. I think it's kind of selfish that you want her to comply with all your time schedules. If she's willing to do it, just drop what you're doing and do it. Think of where you would be if she never wanted it!


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

We have scheduled successfully. You only need scheduling during your busy time right? Short term scheduling is easier to accept.
She desires your initiation. Why not give her what she wants. Give her a strike rule. You have rejected 3 (or whatever number you agree on) initiations, I'm taking a break for a week. This will allow her to get what she wants and still be responsible for her rejections.
Warming up is part of Sex for her. Warming up away from you is not the same. Time to get creative.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I have often schedule sex nights to revitalize our sex life. As you said, stress, being tired, not in the mood, etc. get in the way. You even think that there is always tomorrow or next week so it is no big deal to put it off. 

This is something suggested by a Psychologist that has worked for us several times. I used to be a workaholic. Even now, I work until 2am from home each day. When I noticed that we were not having sex very often anymore, I talked to my wife. I explained that when we have sex, a hormone named Oxytocin (Google it) is released and floods both or our brains working to emotionally bond each other. This is why sex often leads to love or why F buddies want more after a while. It is why sex is called making love.

Without this hormone working on you regularly, you lose intimacy and desire sex less. The less you have sex, the less you want to have sex. My wife loves me and I love her. Heck, we got engaged three weeks after we met. So she was willing to do whatever would work to get us back on track. So we talked and agreed on two nights a week at 8PM, that we had to be in bed together no matter what. No work, stress or being tired excuses. If you did not show up it was a sign that you did not care anymore and that is a very serious problem. However, we made every scheduled sex night. I call it a sex night but no sex or even nudity was required. If one or both of us was really very tired, we just hugged and kissed a little or even just talked about our feelings and problems. 

Slowly but surely we started to make out which led to full out sex after a few weeks. My wife started to have very intense orgasms even on the nights when she said she was not in the mood. A little kissing and touching did the trick to put her in the mood. We also discussed what we liked and did not like about our sex. I learned about things that I did that my wife did not like and vice versa. I also learned that my wife has her best orgasms using her vibrator so we incorporated that into our sex life. I call him BOB for Battery Operated Buddy. Most times we have sex and after a while and my wife will grab BOB. I am not intimidated by BOB or feel sexually inadequate because she likes him. Watch some porn and you will find several women who play with their clitoris while having intercourse. My wife needs the clitoral stimulation and does not like to be penetrated because it hurts. So we adjusted our sexual play so that we both do what we actually like to do. My wife says that she is having the most intense orgasm of her life. Me and BOB are better than just me or just BOB so BOB is now my buddy too.

Twice we have had to do scheduled sex nights and enforce them. However both of us wanted to make it work, so it worked. I have left jobs and relocated far from my friends and family so that my wife could live near her sister. I have also done the same when my wife got homesick and wanted to move back home. Nothing in life is more important to me than my wife and vice versa. That is why we can do things to fix any problems. We want to make it work and if I have to hang up on a business associate at 8PM, that is what I did.

Try it. It really does work. Get that Oxytocin working for you (it will work even if no one orgasms) and you will feel the difference in a few weeks. Good luck.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

intheory said:


> You could get an electric blanket.


Lol, the first thing I thought of was get that woman an electric blanket!

In terms of scheduling, tough one. On one hand, assuming both parties stick to the schedule you are at least guaranteed sex and maybe the build up leading to the schedule day could add to the excitement.

On the other hand though, a schedule does take some of the fun/spontaneity out of things. My biggest concern with a schedule, does that mean under no circumstances can you have sex off schedule? What happens if one of the spouses simply puts the idea of sex out of their head until the notification pops up on their phone? Does this take some of the effort out of the relationship, especially on the days in between the schedule?

I am talking about a set schedule (i.e. 3rd business day of every month) vs just scheduling a day here and there


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

EllisRedding said:


> In terms of scheduling, tough one. On one hand, assuming both parties stick to the schedule you are at least guaranteed sex and maybe the build up leading to the schedule day could add to the excitement.


:iagree:

Personally, I don't like "scheduled sex." *But I can see in this case where it would be productive.* Wife will have plenty of time to "warm up" (via shower, warming stones, electric blanket, whatever) and husband will have time to clear his mind of his busy work season.

This can be an effective temporary solution.

(On a separate note, I prefer random sex at all hours -- right when he walks through the door after work, a 3AM wake up call, in the morning shower before work, but that's a whole other discussion for a whole other topic )


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> (On a separate note, I prefer random sex at all hours -- right when he walks through the door after work, a 3AM wake up call, in the morning shower before work, but that's a whole other discussion for a whole other topic )


Are you starting a thread on that topic? It would probably be very popular. >


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

JMO--she initiated with the hope that you would take charge from there. The stalling was to see if you'd push through it and lead the encounter. You didn't so she fell asleep waiting. I think she's probably unskilled at hard initiation and hesitant to go there herself since you don't initiate.

By not initiating, you aren't doing her self esteem any favors.


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## SageAndCyan (Jan 27, 2016)

I'm honestly a little overwhelmed by the responses, I wasn't sure I'd get much of anything. As there was a question, yes I mean literally warming up. We have a drafty house and she doesn't retain heat well (a warmer climate has oft come up in our conversations). I actually did get her some of those heated slippers but I think they may have stopped working. As for an electric blanket, she's worried about the fire hazard nature of it (and I actually do understand it). Also I'm fairly sure our cat would take it and run off to narnia or wherever she hides these things. 

Also, I know what she did wasn't intentional because she flew into a guilt panic after the fact. She doesn't do that with motive (because I've seen what she does when she does have motive and it isn't that). Believe me when I say that I'm 100% confident that this wasn't about subversion or deception. Trust me when she wants physical contact she's not one to shy away, she'll literally curl up in my lap on a conference call if she's craving the physical connection. She isn't shy about that. 

I'm not going to wake her up for sex. I don't want to be that way and I'd rather not have it then harass her into it (I know not everyone feels that waking up equates to that, but to me it feels that way.) A schedule isn't exactly my first option, but right now I don't really have a first option lined up so I can definitely see the point being made that way. Really what I'm getting is I need to shake the dust off and reinvest into the idea that I can initiate things, even if it involves rejection. I just need better ways of handling and communicating that it becomes a problem when it happens repeatedly. 

I think the problem is by continually feeling like I'm unable to initiate (and even a little rejected) I'm less apt to want to broach that line. The less I do it, the less she feels wanted so she'll want to less. It's a symptom of the problem certainly. I suppose the larger issue for me was I told myself I would be good about the communication and available when she told me she was ready, I went through all those steps and came out the other side feeling burned because I did everything we had agreed on and still felt rejected at the end of it. 

...maybe she just really wanted me to do the dishes. Apparently that's what I do at 12:30 when I have unresolved emotional issues.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Sounds like you both are gun-shy. Scheduling sex can be just the thing to get you past that, and it doesn't have to be a permanent situation.

It also doesn't have to be unromantic unless you approach it that way. Knowing that you're going to have sex on Saturday night is no different than when you were dating. You knew you were going to go out on a date in a few days, have a great time, and sex was going to be a probably result---so you started mentally getting ready for it days in advance. It can be the same thing when married. Tuesday evening you can flirt and make comments about what is coming down the pike for her on Friday, etc.

Bottom line is that it takes the stress of initiation off of both of you and gives you a lot more freedom to set the mood in advance.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

technovelist said:


> Are you starting a thread on that topic? It would probably be very popular. >


YES!! Excellent idea! I will start a thread later tonight in "SIM" forum. Heads up to all!!


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I get the cold hands and feet issue. She can wear socks at least through foreplay and she should warm up fairly quickly with the activity. Or there are any number of things she can do to be warm in advance. These have been discussed. Ask her to try them.

Regarding her self-esteem issues, it sounds like she has a lot of shame. What you described with her extreme reaction is a shame reaction. If she doesn't deal with the shame, she will not improve. Here's an excellent TED talk on the subject. Brené Brown: Listening to shame | TED Talk | TED.com
She should be in therapy and reading about her issues so she can grow and move out of this paralysis she is in.

It is unfair that she goes into a shame cycle when you bring up things you are concerned about. It makes it impossible to have a healthy relationship.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Why are you sitting there for 1 1/2 hours while she warms up? You should be laying in bed with her holding her and rubbing her to warm her up and then you can kiss, hug her and make love. It gets chilly in our bedroom so I get into bed and he warms me up. There is nothing wrong with scheduled sex. It's not creepy. That's all we do as my husband needs a pill to get going. I'm also not sure why you are cleaning at 12:30, you should be in bed with your wife, sleeping. Clean up before you go to bed.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

intheory said:


> A difference in perspective; even just a difference in the language used, makes all the difference in the world!!
> 
> "Wanna go on a 'date', Friday night?" is so much sexier than, "Can we schedule sex on 10:00 p.m. this Friday?"
> 
> ...


I find it easier just to send a calendar item to my wife's phone "Sex at 9PM, preferably with Hubby". The key is to make sure she under any circumstances cannot decline on her phone lol. 

What I have had to do of late, which I guess is sort of scheduling without actually setting a time, is take off days from work. This allows my wife and I to have the house to ourselves while the kids are at school and make the best use of it. I just try not to plan this too far in advance (or at least not tell my wife until the last minute). I could easily see if my wife knew that in two weeks I would be off on Friday and knowing we were going to have sex, not making any effort on the days leading up to it.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

What I'm seeing here is 2 frustrated Low drive people living together. I'm sticking with my previous advice.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

SageAndCyan said:


> I'm honestly a little overwhelmed by the responses, I wasn't sure I'd get much of anything. As there was a question, yes I mean literally warming up. *We have a drafty house* and she doesn't retain heat well (a warmer climate has oft come up in our conversations). I actually did get her some of those heated slippers but I think they may have stopped working. As for an electric blanket, she's worried about the fire hazard nature of it (and I actually do understand it). Also I'm fairly sure our cat would take it and run off to narnia or wherever she hides these things.
> 
> Also, I know what she did wasn't intentional because she flew into a guilt panic after the fact. She doesn't do that with motive (because I've seen what she does when she does have motive and it isn't that). Believe me when I say that I'm 100% confident that this wasn't about subversion or deception. Trust me when she wants physical contact she's not one to shy away, she'll literally curl up in my lap on a conference call if she's craving the physical connection. She isn't shy about that.
> 
> ...


How old are you two? What would you describe as your ideal frequency for sex vs what you actually get? When you two do have sex, is it typically great, good, OK or corpse like?

I highlighted some snippets that I think are "interesting", but I think it would help if you gave a little more background first. 

First observation is that your wife wants intimacy with you, and when she presents herself to you you need to strike when the iron is hot. When your wife felt guilty and asked if you wanted it right then, if it was me I would have taken her right then. No questions. Out of curiosity, why not fix the drafty house issue? At the least, it would help with the resale value if you did choose to move to a warmer climate. Otherwise, why suffer the drafts when you don't have to?


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

No, don't do the dishes!!! If she wants you, she wants you, whether you do housework, use a heated blanket/slippers, wake her up when you find her butt poking out from under the covers, or stuff like that. Have you thought about going dirty toy shopping with her online? Find out what really gets you both going, me and my man have been together over 20 years and there is ALWAYS something new and exciting! If you do have to schedule sex I would recommend having sex on every day that ends in the letter "Y." Good luck!


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