# "Talking" During Sex Is A "Distraction" For Him?



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

My husband has never been a very emotionally available guy, but lately I've noticed I need more of a connection with him to be enjoyable... (I.E. sentiment/acknowledgement, etc. to reduce the chances of resentment/feeling 'used').

I realize that after spending much of his time on his own, (lots of single-guy years), and me being his first "real" relationship, he really has very little experience connecting the act to anything other than physical sensation and focus.

Lately I've become upset and worried by the thought that he may be thinking or fantasizing... Like I'm not really the one he's "with" in his mind.

So, I try to talk more... contextually related, of course, (at first). He says it's "distracting". I'm not sure how to take this? Does it confirm my suspicion that he may be thinking or fantasizing about someone or something else??

I will note a recent, (shocking) improvement the other nite. After we finished, he laid on top of me and I rubbed his back and shoulders. He'd had his head on my shoulder, but! he looked up, looked into my eyes... his eyes seemed kind, soft and genuine. He said he felt wanted/needed when I rubbed his shoulders.

That was pretty much it, but that's been the most intimate moment during our love-making, ever. Neither one of us looked away, and it didn't feel uncomfortable. I guess we're still just learning? 

Just for clarity, I wanted to add that by 'talking' I want to hear nice, loving, sappy things... Not like 'potty-mouth' talk... which he DOES seem to be comfortable with... LOL)


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## piqued (Mar 25, 2010)

YinPrincess;396911So said:


> I'm confused...who is doing the talking? You say you are but then say you want to hear sappy things.
> 
> The answer to your first question is that him finding it "distracting" is in no way, shape, or form a confirmation that he is fantasizing about others while making love with you.
> 
> ...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

We talk dirty during sex...the sappy stuff is before and afterwards. We usually fall asleep with him on top of me for a while  I like that.

Sounds like you and your husband are going in the right direction. Intimacy is hard. I am learning what my husband needs (full acceptance, caressing, etc) and he is talking more to me before and afterwards--- and his kisses lately have been AMAZING  Which is what I need to feel close. I think he does too.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I'm reminded of Faye Dunnaway in "Network" pitching a new programming plan on top of William Holden.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*That was a nice vulnerable moment for him to tell you he FELT wanted and Needed when you rubbed his back. Beautiful*. Not sure how newly marreid you are? These things may take time. Me & my husband were so quiet & vanilla for most of our marraige, we didn't say near anything , maybe something to the effect of "Darn, that was good" afterwards & the other smiling to such a comment. 

One time it was really halarious , as this should have been a signal from heaven for us to shake things up & SPEAK MORE .... we had this Seasame Street talking Ernie doll (I can't remember all his phrases but I sure won't forget one of them). It was in the hallway -we had our door open, one night RIGHT AFTER having sex we were lying in each others arms & literally minutes afterwards, I don't know how this happened ,maybe the cat walked on him but ERIE speaks "*I FEEL GREAT*!" and we just laughed & laughed, we looked at each other amazed at the timing, the words, a moment we'll never forget! Thanks kitty or was it the kitty? We'll never know, but we both knew - WE felt GREAT! - that darn doll spoke for us that night ! :rofl:

Those days are gone, We have come a long way. We are more vulnerable and verbally open with each other NOW, we don't need any dolls to speak for us. ha ha 

*Sensual lovers *are more the Sappy type, *Erotic lovers *are more Dirty. My husband is "quiet" during sex (for him it is never sex, but always "making love" -his words). 

I sometimes wish he was more teasingly & verbally DIRTY during - that is where I come in - it just seems to flow at times and he does respond so all is good. But he is a MUSH monster, when he does speak, love it though, wouldn't want to change it. I can easily BE both, love the sensual and the down & dirty talk. 

For him, the words are more before & after- while lying in each others arms, as he would say his lips are busy. True - and that's a gooood thing. 

We've had moments where his tears dripped down in my face, mine dripped down in his- after orgasming together. Sentimentally intense moments. Mush fest. 

My husband would be incapable of using the F word in bed. I won't hold that against him. He is a very loving emotional man, much more vulnerable with his words than he used to be.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

piqued said:


> Also, it sounds like you may have a few issues with self-esteem or intimacy. I mention that not to be rude, but it's instructive that you said that YOU want to hear the lovey-dovey stuff during sex.


Yeah... it's true. Trying to get past that... Being reassured during the act would help a LOT. lol




piqued said:


> Also, it's worth noting how, just by him saying he found it distracting, that your mind lept to the conclusion that he is thinking about someone else, and that you're not his ideal lover.


He once told me he fantasized about other women alone... and sometimes he seems so "not there" when we're together. It can feel like I don't even exist... It IS awkward, and it doesn't feel very connected or intimate at all. That does, honestly, lead me to feeling used. I have issues, yes. That's why I'm here to learn.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I think he is making a big mistake fantasizing about other women while alone. Of course that would make you feel bad. I believe it is better for couples to focus their fantasies on each other and involve each other where possible. this brings couples closer together. Of course being open about fantasizing and respectful, honest and committed helps too.

If he seems not there then that can be a big problem, and many people turn to fantasies of others in order to get off. I am guilty of this myself in the past. However i know it does nothing to strengthen the bond and attraction between two people.

I think that firstly you need to talk about relationship boundaries, what you think would help your attraction to each other, and what would make you feel like he does desire you. this is important, or you may start to resent him and not feel attracted to him.

Also you must tell him what you need in the bedroom. I myself prefer the lovey dovey stuff before and after sex, it is very important for connection. I also like to be told during foreplay, that he finds me sexy (or other things he likes about me), this helps me feel attractive and know I am attractive to him and that makes me feel good, it helps if he notices little things about me (like most people do with a new lover). I also love some dirty talk during foreplay and a little during sex. Just not a whole lot as I know it can be distracting, but for me a little is needed.

After wards of course we cuddle and often compliment each other and say loving things. I think it's natural to want those things.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Thank you, Syrum. I want more of a connection with my husband, but I think I'm unable to articulate what I need... or we are unable to compromise... :scratchhead:

Fortunately, I still find my husband extremely attractive. This morning when I came home from work, (I'm an over-nighter), he sat on the edge of the bed with me, put his arm around me and said that he is grateful I find him attractive... (we then got into a small discussion of 'conventional' attractiveness - in which I reassured him that he is absolutely handsome, beautiful, sexy and attractive in every way to me). I am not sure why he said that out of the blue, but since he is a man of few words, I just appreciate him sharing that thought with me.

For that same reason I didn't come down on him when he admitted to fantasizing about other women while alone. I did tell him it hurt my feelings, but I didn't want to punish him for trusting me with that information. I want him to trust in me and be able to tell me anything... Perhaps time is what we need to get into true comfort and intimacy. I have trust issues with him for lying to me before... So, we are trying to get back on track with that as well. I have felt the urge to close myself off sexually to him, but I know it will only cause further problems. I know that if I do, I will shut down completely, as I have in my past relationships, and eventually leave. Only because I really love and value my husband am I making the effort to keep communication open and trust available to us both.

I think I will show him your post... and perhaps we can open an honest discussion from there.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> Thank you, Syrum. I want more of a connection with my husband, but I think I'm unable to articulate what I need... or we are unable to compromise... :scratchhead:
> 
> Fortunately, I still find my husband extremely attractive. This morning when I came home from work, (I'm an over-nighter), he sat on the edge of the bed with me, put his arm around me and said that he is grateful I find him attractive... (we then got into a small discussion of 'conventional' attractiveness - in which I reassured him that he is absolutely handsome, beautiful, sexy and attractive in every way to me). I am not sure why he said that out of the blue, but since he is a man of few words, I just appreciate him sharing that thought with me.
> 
> ...


You are making the intelligent move here. What you want is for him to be connected and one can't be connected really if you feel you can't talk openly about these things. I have been married a very long time and dealt with an extremely jealous wife. I couldn't talk to her about a large amount of feelings. It was like walking on egg shells the first 10- 12 years. I hated that and felt disconnected. Now after all these years the jealousy is gone and she has shaken off all that baggage from being raised in the bible belt. We both are free to talk about our fantasies and it is like we have gotten back that new relationship feeling again. She has told me some of her fantasies and it blows my mind to hear her tell them. Its very exiting as well. We recognize them as just fantasy nothing more and nothing less. We use them to our advantage in bed. We are closer than we have ever been.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Thank you, Stonewall.

I must say I arrived at these ideas by doing the exact OPPOSITE of what I've done in my other relationships.

It is slow going and frustrating at times, but I keep the prize in sight: A husband that feels loved and appreciated, and who respects and is trustworthy to me.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Stonewall said:


> You are making the intelligent move here. What you want is for him to be connected and one can't be connected really if you feel you can't talk openly about these things. I have been married a very long time and dealt with an extremely jealous wife. I couldn't talk to her about a large amount of feelings. It was like walking on egg shells the first 10- 12 years. I hated that and felt disconnected. Now after all these years the jealousy is gone and she has shaken off all that baggage from being raised in the bible belt. We both are free to talk about our fantasies and it is like we have gotten back that new relationship feeling again. She has told me some of her fantasies and it blows my mind to hear her tell them. Its very exiting as well. We recognize them as just fantasy nothing more and nothing less. We use them to our advantage in bed. We are closer than we have ever been.


Absolutely AMEN. Me & my husband has come to this place also, there is not ONE thing I can't say to him about my fantases, and him to me. Some may even judge the fantasies we have , but we are completely Open & free with them and with each other.

It is a beautiful thing.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

> Just for clarity, I wanted to add that by 'talking' I want to hear nice, loving, sappy things... Not like 'potty-mouth' talk...


Dowllll!!!!!!


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