# I know this isn't normal, is it?



## strong515 (Apr 30, 2014)

I have been with my husband for 14 years..he is 10 years older then me, we met when i was 22..i am now nearing the end of my 30's we have 4 children. Here is my problem, my husband has become obsessed with my past...before i started dating him 14 years ago and right after my divorce from my abusive first husband, i had a small 3 week nothing with a guy i did not care about..My current husband has known about this since we started dating (after having those talks couples should never have)..That 3 weeks has now been haunting me..my husband will not let it go, he asks me about it everyday...multiple times a day, asking me the same questions..he writes down new questions, he wants to know everything he said, did, he makes up senerios that never happened. i don't know what to do. I can't make a move in the house (he works from home) without him getting mad at me, if i wear a tanktop and i am cleaning and my top comes down a little, he comes over to me and pulls my top back to the top of my neck, he doesn't like me to bend down to pick things up when we are out in public, he sometimes gets mad when i do it in our own home..god forbid if i bend down and get plumbers butt...he freaks out on me. in a resturant if my 2 year old drops a crayon im forbidden from picking it up..just this week i wanted to pick up my daughter from school (he usually does it) but he was on a call and busy, so i decided to get her knowing he would be mad...he ran outside after me and told me to get in the house, im almost 40 with 4 kids...i can't take this anymore, i don't know how to help him. Im losing my mind.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

No, it's not normal. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It sounds like he's developed some kind of sick obsession and should seek professional help before he makes it impossible to deal with his behavior any longer.


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## strong515 (Apr 30, 2014)

i don't know what to do, im a sahm, he works from the home, i have no way to get out, i don't really want to get a divorce, he has other really good quality's..i know he loves me to death. I just don't like him very much anymore. I feel suffocated. I want to be able to say, im going to the store without him saying he will do it, or he will go with me. If i wanted to go outside right now and wash my car, i would need to ask him..and he would likely say no he will do it (then not do it) but if i just go out and get the hose and start washing, he will scream at me on the sidewalk in earshot of our neighbors. I get no freedoms.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

How long has he been this way?


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## strong515 (Apr 30, 2014)

He always seemed over protective..but the really controlling behavior has been over the past few years...it started off ever so small but lately i can't move withought getting told about it


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

It's not normal, no.

few things to be learned from this though first. Never EVER share your other relationship details. They are completely irrelevant to current relationship and once you let it out, the damage is done and usually it ALWAYS results in damage. I have never seen this sort of thing do ANY good. EVER

To resolve this issue, lay the hammer down. Tell him that you made a HUGE mistake sharing this info with him. It's his call if he wants to leave you or stay BUT you will no longer put up with it or hear it. Tell him you will ignore it going forward and if it doesn't stop SOON you are done!

That's what I would do anyways......he needs to grow up. What you did before him should mean 0. I've been there and know EXACTLY how this feels. And let me tell you, it feels HORRIBLE but I was able to look in the mirror and accept that the fault was of my own on this (and partly my wifes for sharing it of course).

As far as over protective treatment. It's rather extreme and disturbing but your husband clearly loves you very much (based on his actions to protect you) and he probably thinks of you as a queen/mother of his kids etc. No, he probably doesn't want you to show your Gstring every time you bend over. Have you thought about proper fit pants that don't show things when you bend down? 

I don't think his treatment is appropriate but your actions might not be either (I have a feeling). 

Tell him exactly how you feel about his treatment and tell him exactly how it makes you feel. Make it clear that you are at the edge and are starting to think about divorce if it doesn't stop.

Lastly, if he doesn't listen/address it, therapy > divorce


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Do you live in the US?

If this is all new behavior, or serious worsening of normal behavior, it sounds like your husband is going through something psychologically.

You're going to have to put your foot down and insist that he treat you as an equal AND that he get therapy for his obsession/control/paranoia.

Can you put your foot down?


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## strong515 (Apr 30, 2014)

i do live in the US, and yes this is a worsening of his normal behavior, I know it seems easy to believe i am bringing this on myself with what i may be wearing but im a stay at home mom. i wear tshirts, or tanktops with tshirts over the top. i don't wear club clothes my staples are yoga pants with babyfood on them. I love that he thinks even wearing those things i am turning mens heads...except im not...its all in his mind..and when i am in my own home cleaning on my hands and knees with my hair up in a messy bun on top of my head, he comes down the stairs yelling because my pants may have dipped down while i was cleaning the floors or my shirt may have been shifted around while carrying laundry...i don't see why if there is NO ONE around but the two of us he should get angry at me


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Time to stand up for yourself.

Tell him to keep his hands off you, you can adjust your own shirt. If you want to bend over, then bend over. If you want to go outside to wash your car then just do it. Let him scream all he wants. Ignore it. Completely. If he gets physical with you then call the cops.

Break the cycle.


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## strong515 (Apr 30, 2014)

i put my footdown today...what i did wrong..we had a swingset built in the back yard..my children had not yet played on it, we went outside and i noticed the swings were so low to the ground that my kids feet were dragging, so i went into the house, grabbed a ladder, and adjusted the height of the swingset....He came out and yelled at me for not asking him to do it for me. When i said i am capable of doing this i used to fix my own when i was a child he yelled at me more. I told him i can't keep being treated like a child, that i am an adult and i can do things around this house when it comes to my kids and that i can't take his controlling behaivor anymore..so he said then get out...but he doesn't mean it. If i tried to leave he wouldn't let me. See the thing is he knows he gets out of hand...he once yelled at me for standing wrong in the grocery store. I moved out of the way so a woman could get by me, and he got angry at me for moving the cart. I was so upset that i couldn't even speak to him, he apoligzed and said he knew he was out of line and that i don't need his permission to move. I can't see this lasting, the older i am getting the harder it is for me to accept that this is my life


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

So he's already controlling and emotionally abusive, and you're practically a prisoner in your house. You are also completely financially dependent on him. And he'd prefer that you wear a burka, in and out of the house, if you're allowed out.

How long do you think it will take before he becomes physically abusive? Is that a fear?

Do you have family and friends nearby? Ask them for help in getting you and your children out. I'm serious. This guy is losing it, and you for sure don't know how far he will go, since he's gone way far off the deep end and you never expected that, either.


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## strong515 (Apr 30, 2014)

i am totally financially dependent. My 3 out of my 4 kids are in school, i can't leave and take them out right now. I am embarassed to let my friends and family know...they think he is a wonderful guy who is just fussy over me and the kids. Im afraid if my mom knew she would be so upset..i can't handle her being upset too..this would break her, I know she would just worry about me and the kids.


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## delirium (Apr 23, 2012)

This is not normal or healthy - for you or your children. 

If my daughter told me she was in a marriage like this I would tell her to get out NOW. His behavior will only get worse. 

I'm very sorry you're in this situation.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

strong515 said:


> i am totally financially dependent. My 3 out of my 4 kids are in school, i can't leave and take them out right now. I am embarassed to let my friends and family know...they think he is a wonderful guy who is just fussy over me and the kids. Im afraid if my mom knew she would be so upset..i can't handle her being upset too..this would break her, I know she would just worry about me and the kids.



Oh yes you can get out of there. SAHM with 4 kids? You would get alimony and a split of the marital assets. Speak to a lawyer and know your rights before assuming you can't do it.

Do not be embarrassed to be honest with your friends and family! They only think he's a wonderful guy because you are LYING TO THEM by not telling your truth. 

So many women stay with abusive men because they are embarrassed to tell the truth. That's why so many men get away with continuing their abuse. Don't become a statistic - ask for HELP.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

I'm a father to a married woman. I would do everything in my power to help her any way I could. And I'd feel badly that she didn't come to me sooner.

Please tell your family and seek their help.


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## strong515 (Apr 30, 2014)

He gets really angry at me and the kids, but i am NOT in fear of him abusing me physically. I can't leave. Its not bad enough (YET) there are moments during the day where when he talks i just take deep breaths and in my mind just count to 10. Some days i am better able to deal with his ridiculousness..other days i will stand up for myself in complete frustration and it could get scary(to an outsider) but i am not afraid of him. Some good points and why i am still here..He adores me, he does, he would give me the moon if i asked him to, he just can't seem to treat me as an equal..he is so over protective that i feel its because he couldn't handle it if anything were to ever happen to me, and that is a good feeling...but in order to protect me he is suffocating me. I recognize that out of the ugly there is good intentions. I know he doesn't want me unhappy but i can't seem to relay to him or he just can't seem to help himself. He is making us both miserable and he can't stop himself. He also blames me. I some how come off to him as being incapable but that really isn't true.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Strong, this isn't an issue of over-protectiveness. Your husband has control issues that are over-the-top crazy and possibly dangerous. You need to remove yourself and the kids from that situation until your husband has gotten help and until your satisfied that it has thoroughly sunk in.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Would he consider marriage counseling? Would hearing that his behavior is abusive from a counselor help him realize he needs some serious individual therapy?


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## strong515 (Apr 30, 2014)

GTdad said:


> Strong, this isn't an issue of over-protectiveness. Your husband has control issues that are over-the-top crazy and possibly dangerous. You need to remove yourself and the kids from that situation until your husband has gotten help and until your satisfied that it has thoroughly sunk in.


Im not going to lie, just thinking of my what you said made me cry, If my dad knew any of this he would hurt to. I can't tell them. I think if my husband thought i was really going to leave i may get him back to a therapist...we were going for a very short time a few months ago, she agreed he was too controlling and mentally it was abusive. She also thinks he is suffering with OCD..his obsession is me. I would go back but honestly if i ever refer to anything the therapist said he will say she was wrong, or she doesn't understand. He isn't very good at being wrong or admitting it


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

strong515 said:


> Im not going to lie, just thinking of my what you said made me cry, If my dad knew any of this he would hurt to. I can't tell them.


You can tell them. They are your parents and would take a bullet for you. I sure would for my kids. Understand that it may hurt your parents, but to be more specific they will hurt for you, the same way you hurt for your own kids when they're in a painful situation. Which they probably are given your husband's behavior.

You can't fix your husband, but you can protect yourself and your kids.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

strong515 said:


> so he said then get out...but he doesn't mean it. If i tried to leave he wouldn't let me.


So what he said "get out" but you don't think he means it.

It doesn't matter whether me means it or not, you have as much right to be there as he does.

Tell him to F%$K off.


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## strong515 (Apr 30, 2014)

im not ready yet to tell anybody i know, it did help me to sign myself up to this website, i needed to talk about this and i don't want my friends to know anything yet. I am going to stand up to him and if he wants to leave me then so be it...i seriously doubt with how controlling he is of me he could handle the idea of me being single and on my own where he is unable to tell me what i can or cannot do it...IT is sad but in some ways his disorder gives me more "power" in this relatioship then it does him. I could leave him, whereas i dont think he could ever leave me. I would be free and could breath again, he would go nuts not knowing if i were in some grocery store bending down to tie my sons shoe. I need to be ok that by standing my ground my house is going to shake for awhile...i just try to obey to keep some peace..i guess its time to shake things up a bit. i hope i can handle the fall out


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

strong515 said:


> Im not going to lie, just thinking of my what you said made me cry, If my dad knew any of this he would hurt to. *I can't tell them.* I think if my husband thought i was really going to leave i may get him back to a therapist...we were going for a very short time a few months ago, she agreed he was too controlling and mentally it was abusive. She also thinks he is suffering with OCD..his obsession is me. I would go back but honestly if i ever refer to anything the therapist said he will say she was wrong, or she doesn't understand. He isn't very good at being wrong or admitting it


Consider this. Your children are learning from your husband's example that THIS is how a man treats a woman. Is THIS what you want them to learn?

Do you have daughters? What do you think is going to happen when they turn 13? Do you think he will allow them out of the house? Or will he want to wrap them up in burka's too and they will need his permission to take a single step outside?

You might be able to stand being a prisoner for now, but do you want your children to live like that now and do you think it's healthy for them to recreate this kind of marriage for themselves? 

You are fooling yourself if you think your kids will learn anything about healthy relationships with your marriage as a model.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

strong515 said:


> im not ready yet to tell anybody i know, it did help to sign myself up to this website, i needed to talk about this and i don't want my friends to know. I am going to stand up to him and if he wants to leave me then so be it...i seriously doubt with how controlling he is of me he could handle the idea of me being on my own where he is unable to tell me what i can or cannot do it...ITs said but in someone his disorder gives me more "power" in this relatioship then it does him. I could leave him, whereas i dont think he could ever leave me. I would be free and could breath again, he would go nuts not knowing if i were in some grocery store bending down to tie my sons shoe. I need to be ok that by standing my ground my house is going to shake for awhile...i just started to obey to keep some peace..i guess its time to shake things up a bit. i hope i can handle the fall out


Okay, I won't push you to do something you're not ready for, and standing your ground is definitely a step in the right direction.

But I worry about what he's capable of. At the first sign of violence, get out and call the cops, ASAP.

Please keep posting and letting us know how things are going.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Since this has gotten worse with age, what do you think the cause is? Is his mental function also going downhill?


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## strong515 (Apr 30, 2014)

i am afraid for my kids. I know my oldest son (MINE from my first marriage) is very unhappy with our home right now. He is 17, i had him when i was very young. We are very close and i know he loves this man that he has called dad since he was 3 but he is disappointed in him as i am. We love our family and i wish i could make things right. I don't want my kids to be from a divorced home, i want my marriage to work but i don't know what else i can do to keep peace in this home, unless i decide to just give up and do what he tells me so there is no more fighting. I don't think i can though i have a side of me that goes off like a flame when i can't take it..its like a take it and take it then i go off cuz i can't take it anymore


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## strong515 (Apr 30, 2014)

He is 48 and yes this is getting worse as he gets older, I am 37..he has not lost any other mental or physical functions, he is just become extremlely insecure, overprotective , controlling, and i could go on and on but it has gotten worse this year


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## strong515 (Apr 30, 2014)

I wrote him this message, he hasn't replyed back to me (the note about going into the garage was after he yelled at me for fixing the kids swings, he tried to tell me that the garage is a mess and he doesn't like me going in there. then he told me he was mad that i just decided to go out there and fix it without asking him to do it..this is what i wrote to him


i know you love me, i know you would do anything for me, and if i am right about any of the above and that you want me to be happy, you have got to stop telling me how i can act, i need to remind you i am almost 40 years old...don't make this an issue about your tools or that you don't like me going into the garage or you don't like me doing things you without you...You know that i cannot so much as move without you telling me that i may not. You yourself would not be able to live being told how to behave. If you want this marriage to work...and i do want this marriage to work..PLEASE refrain from treating me like you would your kid...im a wife, a partner, an equal i would not stop you from picking up a dropped crayon, and you should not stop me.you have always been a little controlling but lately you are out of hand. I am going to ask you to stop..if you can't stop then let me know you aren't able to i can't accept this as my life


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Mental illnesses tend to become worse over time, unless they're treated somehow. Here are some thoughts on your situation. 

Every time you obey him you reinforce his behaviour and this makes his behaviour worse. 

If you openly refuse to obey, as some here have suggested, he may flip out and do something harmful out of the stress the unresolved situation brings him. 

I think it best to either get him to agree to therapy right away or else remove yourselves from the situation and contact him via telephone or email to let him know that you want a healthy relationship, but he needs to be receiving therapy. 

If he goes to therapy, at some point you should be there, too (if you stay with him), because the therapist can instruct you in how to respond when your husband feels like he has to act on your activities (bending down, etc.). You will probably have an agreed-upon method to follow where you gently resist and remind your husband that he agreed to follow a prescribed protocol in these situations.

Seek out a therapist who does CBT and ERP. These will be more beneficial than just plying him with drugs. I would personally avoid the drugs, unless all else fails.


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## strong515 (Apr 30, 2014)

i had no idea what ERP or CBT is so i looked it up, it sounds intense. I wish i knew what exactly he is afraid of, why he gets so upset if i do things he thinks he should be doing. If i bend over to pick up a crayon is he afraid the table next to us will think he is a bad husband for not doing it for me, is he afraid that someone will be checking out "his goods" if i bend down. He seems to think that the whole world has a thing for me, before it got bad i remember joking with a girlfirend and it seems so incredible that i one time i laughed at his behavior but i joked about him saying " i don't like the way that guy was looking at you" and i would say "well he is my Dr. honey"...like making light of his behavior..it has gone so beyond that...i even asked him, if another woman bends over to pick up something off the floor does it arouse you to the point that you can't handle the idea of it being me...He didn't take to well to that comment, called me insane but i was trying to make a point that nobody cares..it didn't work


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

norajane said:


> Consider this. Your children are learning from your husband's example that THIS is how a man treats a woman. Is THIS what you want them to learn?
> 
> Do you have daughters? What do you think is going to happen when they turn 13? Do you think he will allow them out of the house? Or will he want to wrap them up in burka's too and they will need his permission to take a single step outside?
> 
> ...


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

The message you wrote him sounds very pleading.

From what you're writing here it sounds to me like you DO have the gumption to stand up to him. Why you haven't I do not understand, but now that things have gotten to this point and you know you have to do something, I think you will. But you also need to decide what you're going to do when he slips back into his old habits after the dust settles this time. Are you going to give him another chance, and another and another? Or will you make it *VERY* clear to him that this is his one and ONLY chance at reform?


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## strong515 (Apr 30, 2014)

i am pleading, i am ..i really want him to change, i don't want my marriage to end. I feel though like im going to blow my top..every once in a while he goes away on business for a night or 2 and he just went away a week ago...i swear i felt so much better the second he left the house...sadly he called me a million times while on the road but he was also alone in the car and it was a long boring ride. I was sad at how happy i was to have him gone though. I was thinking this is not right. no wife should ever be this glad to see her husband go away


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

As long as you're pleading with him, HE has the upper hand. What you need to do is spell out what's going to happen. You say "Either we get counseling and your attitude toward me changes within the next 3 months, or I am filing for D. If you succeed, but at any time after three months you slip back into your controlling ways, I will fine for D then. This is your ONE AND ONLY chance, dear husband of mine" And then you DO it.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

strong515 said:


> i had no idea what ERP or CBT is so i looked it up, it sounds intense. I wish i knew what exactly he is afraid of, why he gets so upset if i do things he thinks he should be doing. If i bend over to pick up a crayon is he afraid the table next to us will think he is a bad husband for not doing it for me, is he afraid that someone will be checking out "his goods" if i bend down. He seems to think that the whole world has a thing for me, before it got bad i remember joking with a girlfirend and it seems so incredible that i one time i laughed at his behavior but i joked about him saying " i don't like the way that guy was looking at you" and i would say "well he is my Dr. honey"...like making light of his behavior..it has gone so beyond that...i even asked him, if another woman bends over to pick up something off the floor does it arouse you to the point that you can't handle the idea of it being me...He didn't take to well to that comment, called me insane but i was trying to make a point that nobody cares..it didn't work


You can't reason with stuff like OCD (which it sounds like, though it may not be). If it were possible to reason with the obsessive thoughts people would go to therapy, the therapist would say, "C'mon, dude, this is not logical", and the person would go away cured. 

You gotta rewire your brain to not hit panic mode in the triggering situations. That takes a lot of hard work and practice. Actually, resisting makes it worse; people have to learn how to let go.


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## strong515 (Apr 30, 2014)

MSP said:


> You can't reason with stuff like OCD (which it sounds like, though it may not be). If it were possible to reason with the obsessive thoughts people would go to therapy, the therapist would say, "C'mon, dude, this is not logical", and the person would go away cured.
> 
> You gotta rewire your brain to not hit panic mode in the triggering situations. That takes a lot of hard work and practice. Actually, resisting makes it worse; people have to learn how to let go.


so if he can't be reasoned with this is something that is out of his control, he can't help but emotionally abuse me. Is that like his free pass, that he can't help himself. will he never get over this on his own, i have been waiting for him to wake up and smell the roses..is this never going to happen without help. So standing up for myself won't even help me will it


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

strong515 said:


> so if he can't be reasoned with this is something that is out of his control, he can't help but emotionally abuse me. Is that like his free pass, that he can't help himself. will he never get over this on his own, i have been waiting for him to wake up and smell the roses..is this never going to happen without help. So standing up for myself won't even help me will it


I think it's worth a shot. And if that doesn't work, separate. And if that doesn't work, divorce.

I know you want to save your marriage. I hope you do, but I also hope you understand that you can't do it alone.

Have a plan, including at what point you tell your family what's going on.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Yes, it will help. As long as you're actually willing to enforce the boundaries you lay out. Only you can stop other people from treating you in unacceptable ways. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## strong515 (Apr 30, 2014)

i don't know if i will ever be able to tell my parents...i was married before when i was very young and my first husband was not really good to me or our son, he left me alone alot with a new baby while he went on drug binges, he eventually died of an overdose, that man never truly cared about me or my son...when i met my second husband he seemed to care about everything i did...he was soo attentive and protective my parents were so happy my son and i were in a safe place at last...and we were until recently, i cannot put my parents through this again...my mom was a mess with worry, my dad cried a lot more then i ever would want to see a man cry. My husbands worse traits right now is that he seems to not want me to make a move without him, my last husband didn't seem to care if i had a roof over my head....man do i know how to pick up...i went from one extreme to the next


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

A long time friend of mine went thru near the exact scenario that you are now going thru and his wife finally convinced him to see a doctor and it turned out his serotonin levels were way out of whack which can happen to men as they age. 

With medication they were able to get his levels back to normal and his personality was like a night and day difference. He may have a chemical imbalance which is getting worse as he ages more than a mental condition. 

The key is getting them to see a doctor and trying to address the problem.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

strong515 said:


> so if he can't be reasoned with this is something that is out of his control, he can't help but emotionally abuse me. Is that like his free pass, that he can't help himself. will he never get over this on his own, i have been waiting for him to wake up and smell the roses..is this never going to happen without help. So standing up for myself won't even help me will it


You've misunderstood my point. I may not have been clear. 

It's not that he can't possibly control himself, but he probably feels very highly stressed to perform the actions--let's call them rituals--that he performs when he sees you bend down and whatnot. 

However, getting over this on his own is extremely unlikely without a solid background in the therapies I mentioned. You can try it on your own with the help of books. A good one is the OCD Workbook, assuming that he does have OCD. There's a newer one by one of the same authors that might be better. I have them both, but I haven't read this newer one yet. The first one is good.

But a therapist who knows about this kinda stuff would be better. Anyone who's read my posts here knows I almost never recommend therapy and therapists. In this case I do.


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## strong515 (Apr 30, 2014)

honcho said:


> A long time friend of mine went thru near the exact scenario that you are now going thru and his wife finally convinced him to see a doctor and it turned out his serotonin levels were way out of whack which can happen to men as they age.
> 
> With medication they were able to get his levels back to normal and his personality was like a night and day difference. He may have a chemical imbalance which is getting worse as he ages more than a mental condition.
> 
> The key is getting them to see a doctor and trying to address the problem.



i have never heard of anyone that has my same issue...i would love to hear something she went through how she handled herself..i can't even google any info to find out if other wives have gone through this without being directed to these arab websites with wives who are ok with this treatment and are working to be MORE obedient to their spouse...while here i am trying to get the curage to tell mine to F&*k off.. I feel very alone in this


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

strong515 said:


> i don't know if i will ever be able to tell my parents...i was married before when i was very young and my first husband was not really good to me or our son, he left me alone alot with a new baby while he went on drug binges, he eventually died of an overdose, that man never truly cared about me or my son...when i met my second husband he seemed to care about everything i did...he was soo attentive and protective my parents were so happy my son and i were in a safe place at last...and we were until recently, i cannot put my parents through this again...my mom was a mess with worry, my dad cried a lot more then i ever would want to see a man cry. My husbands worse traits right now is that he seems to not want me to make a move without him, my last husband didn't seem to care if i had a roof over my head....man do i know how to pick up...i went from one extreme to the next


Yep, and I think you could also benefit from some therapy yourself. If nothing else, a therapist might be able to help you cope since you aren't ready to take more definitive steps out of this situation.

You might consider family therapy with your kids, too. I'm not kidding - they see EVERYTHING going on in your house, and are soaking it up every minute. Your 17 year old is already miserable, and your H is getting worse and worse every day.


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## strong515 (Apr 30, 2014)

MSP said:


> You've misunderstood my point. I may not have been clear.
> 
> It's not that he can't possibly control himself, but he probably feels very highly stressed to perform the actions--let's call them rituals--that he performs when he sees you bend down and whatnot.
> 
> ...


 thank you very much i truly wish i could understand him and why he gets so upset with me..i have never been unfaithful to him, i don't give him reasons to think i would...I don't wear sexy or reveling clothing although he would argue my yoga pants are sexy i would say comfortable and easy to clean the house in. i don't think if i were married to ANYONE else they would have issue with how i behave but yet at night when im alone and crying i wonder if what i did was wrong, i have to say to myself, cleaning the car wasn't bad..you did nothing wrong...over and over..because sometimes i feel like i knew it would make him mad so why did i do it...and he says its my REBEL attitude..and we fight when i knew that going out there would start one but i do it anyway. So its a cycle because then i get MAD at myself for even giving a crap that i made him mad..so no matter what someone is mad at me....lol


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

strong515 said:


> thank you very much i truly wish i could understand him and why he gets so upset with me..i have never been unfaithful to him, i don't give him reasons to think i would...I don't wear sexy or reveling clothing although he would argue my yoga pants are sexy i would say comfortable and easy to clean the house in. i don't think if i were married to ANYONE else they would have issue with how i behave but yet at night when im alone and crying i wonder if what i did was wrong, i have to say to myself, cleaning the car wasn't bad..you did nothing wrong...over and over..because sometimes i feel like i knew it would make him mad so why did i do it...and he says its my REBEL attitude..and we fight when i knew that going out there would start one but i do it anyway. So its a cycle because then i get MAD at myself for even giving a crap that i made him mad..so no matter what someone is mad at me....lol


His mental illness is not your fault, and your behavior is not what is causing it. 

Mental illness is the best case scenario, because he can get help with that if he wants his family. He shouldn't be blaming you for his behavior - you shouldn't be blaming yourself, either. There is nothing you can do to change his behavior. Behave exactly as he wants, and he will find more and more and more things to wield control over you. And then he'll move on to control the kids.

Blaming yourself for his behavior is exactly what abused wives do. "If only I'd had dinner on the table on time, he wouldn't have hit me for being a sucky wife."

Worst case, he isn't mentally ill and is just an ass and won't ever change.


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## strong515 (Apr 30, 2014)

he is done with work so i can't really write anymore, thank you for everything..i have a long road ahead of me


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Good luck to you. Please come back if you need to talk this through some more. As you said, it's a long road.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

strong515 said:


> thank you very much i truly wish i could understand him and why he gets so upset with me..i have never been unfaithful to him, i don't give him reasons to think i would...I don't wear sexy or reveling clothing although he would argue my yoga pants are sexy i would say comfortable and easy to clean the house in. i don't think if i were married to ANYONE else they would have issue with how i behave but yet at night when im alone and crying i wonder if what i did was wrong, i have to say to myself, cleaning the car wasn't bad..you did nothing wrong...over and over..because sometimes i feel like i knew it would make him mad so why did i do it...and he says its my REBEL attitude..and we fight when i knew that going out there would start one but i do it anyway. So its a cycle because then i get MAD at myself for even giving a crap that i made him mad..so no matter what someone is mad at me....lol


Aww. :/

You know what helps quite a lot? Exercise. It balances the hormones and neurochemicals really well. In fact, it's as good as antidepressants for depression, depending on which study you read. And no side effects! You could both give it a go. 

If he does have OCD, a lot of people don't realize that they have it. And many of the ones who do know they have a problem of some kind hide how they really think about it and tend to blow up at others. Because it's highly illogical and the mental dissonance involved in doing something that you feel compelled to do that you also know everyone else would see as stupid and illogical creates a heck of a lot of pressure. 

Here is a copy and paste from anxietybc.com of a case study of OCD, just for an example:

_David is a 40-year-old accountant who is divorced and lives alone. His marriage ended because of his ways of doing things. David describes himself as a "perfectionist" who repeats everything he does (e.g., reading, writing, locking doors) at least three times to ensure that he has done every task perfectly. He says that the more anxious and stressed he is, the more times he needs to repeat a task. He knows that he has done something perfectly when it feels "just right". David says that since he was a child he has always been concerned about doing things perfectly and correctly. When he was in school, he would spend most of his time writing and rewriting his assignments to make sure that they were done perfectly. He would also read and re-read the same textbook paragraph until he felt that he completely understood and remembered the information it contained.

At work, he repeatedly checks everything he does, particularly forms and other written work, to make sure that he has done it correctly and perfectly. If he makes a mistake, he needs to redo the whole document. He states that it often takes him a long time to complete any written work, even writing an address on an envelope, because he worries that something bad might happen (e.g., loss of client) if things are not done "perfectly". David also has a strong need to know and remember things, repeatedly asking for clarification if he does not fully understand something that is said to him. He also blinks repeatedly when he is trying to understand something because he believes that doing so helps him to understand things better. David is also very concerned about saying "just the right thing" to people. He worries that if he does not communicate precisely, he will be misunderstood. He usually rehearses what he wants to say in his head first, to make sure that his responses are precise and perfect.

David knows that his need for perfection caused his marriage to fail and makes him less productive at work, but he worries that if he does not strive to do everything perfectly, he will end up making mistakes all the time and become jobless and then homeless. David feels confused and depressed; he is not sure what he should do about his condition and is not confident that he can change._

By the way, I just want to reiterate that *I am not saying for sure he has OCD*! He may or may not have it. Take him in to a therapist to find out. You might also find some assistance on places like the Stuck In A Doorway forums.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

MSP said:


> You might also find some assistance on places like the Stuck In A Doorway forums.


That's a dead forum, I just checked it out.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

lenzi said:


> That's a dead forum, I just checked it out.


Oops! Sorry, haven't been there in a couple of years. There are other mental health forums that may have some people who relate to the OP's situation and her husband's behaviours.


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