# Married 12 years - last 8 without sex. Why?!



## BrokenHearted (Aug 13, 2009)

My ex-husband and I were married for 12 years. The first 4 were the best ever of my life. We had a little girl then the last 8 years I have been very lonely. He never initiated sex again. I tried initiating several times and he would respond but never could climax. We went to marriage conferences and a marriage counselor. I could never get a reason for why our sex life went from 4-5 times a week to nothing for years. My self-esteem plummeted. I still love him very much, but divorced him purely for self-preservation on July 2009. Within 1 month of my filing for divorce, he found a new lady in his life. She has stated online how romantic he is and how lucky the lady who wins his heart is. So this makes me think he still had it in him, but not for me. I was just somebody, but not somebody special. What happened?? I have asked him and his response was, "You have to figure that out on your own. I have no answers for you." Now he won't even talk to me by email or phone. My heart is broken and mourns for what we had the first 4 years. How do I let this go?


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## elizabeths (Aug 14, 2009)

That must have been really tough. And it's tougher, I bet, because you can't get any resolution. It would be so helpful if he would open up now and communicate what really happened or changed.

I've heard of some men that aren't able to enjoy sex with a woman after she's given birth because it "ruins" his image of her as a sexual being. I wonder if that has something to do with it. 

Anyway, I'd say that all of this boils down to his issues, not yours.


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## Desperate in Naples (Aug 13, 2009)

:iagree: I read that men often look at their wives as mothers and can't see them sexually anymore. Let him go, these are his issues. Open your heart for someone who'll know what to do with it.


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## BrokenHearted (Aug 13, 2009)

Thank you both for your kind words and encouragement. I deeply appreciate it. Tonya


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## jdskr88 (Aug 11, 2009)

Dear Brokenhearted:

I think the other two responders may be right, but i would add that there may have been more going on with your husband (such as an addiction to porn) that was channeling off most of his libido. This is so common these days with women attesting to their husbands' sudden and marked loss of sexual appetite.

All this to say it may just be one more reason that has nothing to do with you and everything to do with your husband. Take it easy on yourself.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

my wife and mother of my 3 children still turns me on, and i still desire her. unfortunately i guess the feeling is not mutual.


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## BrokenHearted (Aug 13, 2009)

He finally told me why. Said it was because I did not respect him in our marriage which is a total crock. We went to marriage conferences and to a marriage counselor and he NEVER mentioned any of this. He just told me something to get me to quit asking I suppose.


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## mrnice (Aug 11, 2009)

You need to assess yourself, step away and look at the person you used to be to the one you are now or were 4 years into your marriage, what changed. 

It's easy to go on through life thinking nothing has changed but when you look back over it, I think you'll see a big change.

The fact he couldn't cum during sex has got me. 

I know this is harsh but did you go from a size 8 to a size 16? 

Desperate in Naples- You are correct. I have been seeing my wife as a mother more then a wife since our children were born. Kinda weird how it does that to you. But just in the last week have a decided to see my wife as my wife, whom I should be calling special names to, having wild sex with etc.


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