# What to do? Am I crazy??



## lostandconused (Jun 26, 2012)

Hello,
* If you are not interested in helping do not post. 
*

My wife and I have been married for almost 12 years. We got married at the age of 18. We were each other's first sexual partner. We were adolescents caught up in the moment after a short separation and ended up pregnant with a baby girl. We made the decision early in our relationship that she would stay home with the child(ren) and I would do whatever it takes to give them everything they need and most of what they want. I feel up to this point I upheld this. Up until the last 5 years, I was the one who hopped from job to job trying to make that extra dollar. I am now established as a fire & rescue responder with shifts that consist of 24 on 24 off 24 on 24 off 24 on 96 off. I also have a part time job that works 24 hours whenever I work there. Not to mention I am in the National Guard. My wife has supported every decision and goal that I have had just as I do of her. When we were dating, we were polar opposites. She was nothing like me and extremely sheltered (not sure how to put it) and by no means as wild as I was. We had very little in common, but enjoyed each others company. I had to move away for my senior year of high school and we talked almost every day and was able to see each other a few time through the year.

During the last 12 years we have had 3 wonderful children ranging from 11 to 3 years of age. When it comes to the children we have the same beliefs or ideas. Although she tends to shelter them a lot more than I would, we typically see eye to eye. As with most people in todays society we live at our financial limits. We are not in a financial hardship but we are not comfortable either. We have had issues with our extended family over the past few years. recently we pretty much broke all ties with them, but it seems that those arguments were just funneled into something else.

Now to my question, now that you know some background. Is it possible to become married too early in life and/or grow apart?? I am not trying to be that insensitive jerk (to put it lightly), but I feel that we are growing apart. I work and take college classes. She takes college classes and works a hell of a lot harder than I do at home and taking care of the kids. We have had 3 or 4 situations where it was a rough patch and managed to work through it in a short time. I care about this woman a lot. I do not want to hurt her feelings or break her heart either. I am really confused. I have more or less rambled on here so if you feel free to PM me with questions and I will update the post. I feel as if we are not really in LOVE but have a love due to our history. If that makes sense. 

I have grown up in a separated household and never had a relationship with my father. Her parents recently divorced a few years ago. I know how it was on me as a young child and it seems much harder on her as an adult. She feels as if her whole life was a lie. I do not want to wait that long it I decide to follow through with a separation. 

I really really hope that you do not judge me too harshly. She is a wonderful woman and has a lot to offer. I do not want to drag this out over another 5 years and take that away from her. I have not had this conversation with her yet. I know that is an A##hole move, but I was looking for some insight from someone who has been in a similar situation. Thanks in advance.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

Is there another woman in your life who you talk with regularly, feel close to already, or would be interested in if things went kaput with your marriage?


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## lostandconused (Jun 26, 2012)

There is another person. We have a lot in common and have a lot of the same views. But she is more of a friend. We don't talk relationship problems from either side. I met her several years ago. We have never had anything happen nor would I allow it. Our relationship is striclty friends and I would not jepordize that to ever attempt to have an intimate one, although, this is not set in stone.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Stop all contact with other women and see if you can get your marriage on track.
Give it a try, I think your "friendship" is having a bad effect on the dynamics of the marriage IMHO.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Hi L & C I agree with what others have said maybe try doing the things yall did when you first 
Started seeing each other it is said that a good relationship needs at least a minimum of 10
Hours of just you and yr wife on a weekly basis no kids go on dates hiking walks etc and no watching tv does not count I would try this before throwing away yr m also maybe some mc could help it is easy
To work and work etc and yall drift apart sounds like you are aware of this and ready to try something 
different
Good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## romans1212 (Jun 26, 2012)

My husband is having the same issues you are. We have been married for seven years and he thinks we have "lost our spark" and wants a separation. He thinks it would be "fun" to get our own places and date again, hoping to reignite that spark. Whatever. I can see where that might be exciting but we have 3 kids involved in this. 5, 4, and 6 months old. Marriage isn't all fun and games. It isn't always pretty. You have to choose to love each other, you have to choose to keep the interest and you have to work on that spark, as I have told my hubby. I don't know what will ultimately happen to us, but I'm praying he'll seek marriage counseling with me as maybe you should with your wife? I can tell you first hand she is going to be hurt and sad and confused. As am I right now. You can tell her it isn't her, that she's amazing, as my hubby is telling me, but it hurts bad. Every day I pray God will take away my pain and worry because I love the man and I want nothing more than to be a family. You don't just take a break from your family because you feel bored. Sorry - I feel passionate about this because I'm on her end of this and I feel for her. Ask her to be patient while you try to figure this out. But don't keep your feelings secret. Because apparently my hubby has felt this way for a few years (even though he never acted unhappy) and chose not to tell me because he didn't want to break my heart. Well. My hearts broken. I'm staying positive, hoping things will work out, but just be honest with her. Hold her when she cries. Tell her you love her and will always care about her no matter what... I wish you luck and blessings.

Also... The woman who's just a friend... In my opinion ...not okay. I don't believe women and men can be just friends, married or not. It's just human nature to have thoughts and or feelings towards the opposite sex no matter how innocent it may be. And when you feel your marriage is mundane or dull of course your mind is going to wonder... Just my opinion.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You dont tell us what your wife thinks about all this. You say you dont really love her but does she love you.
What exactly do you consider you are missing from her that you could be getting elsewhere.


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## lostandconused (Jun 26, 2012)

Quick update.

I spoke with my wife and she says she is happy but the look in her eyes when she says it, suggests otherwise. 

To let those know, who care, I have received emails about the lady friend I spoke of. I do not share anything in my personal life with this individual, nor, at this moment, does she know anything is going on. This individual and I do not go anywhere alone. Her and my wife have been out on the town before. 

At the moment, we have discussed separating for a bit to see how it goes. I am afraid that if we do decide to not only separate but divorce that it will be extremely ugly, (on her behalf) and will cause way too much animosity within the household. As an Emergency Responder, typically, custody falls in the had of the stay at home partner. Not that she is a bad mother, quite the opposite, but I am afraid she will not allow me to see them or make it the occasional visit. So not what I want.

So for the time being, we still live under the same roof, and she has been looking for a place to go. She refuses to stay in our current house. Don't blame her. 

I will update this in another week. So long.


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