# this is a nightmare, please help



## eliza1984 (Aug 8, 2014)

I have been married for 6 years and have a 3 yo son. My marriage has huge issues and I am full of hurt, anger and dissapointment. I really don't know how to begin. My dh gambles. A lot I would say, but in his opinion he is "working" to provide for us, his family. We both work full time, I earn a little more than him. He has all kinds of debts that I don't know about, I must take out all my sallary from the card and bring it home. In 2-3 days almost all money is gone. With the rest he pays the rent so I am left with what he is willing to bring home from his sallary. If I want to buy clothes, I need to ask him, if I need to go to the dentist, I need to ask him and so on. I am sick and tired of fighting with him for money. 
Gambling is only a little issue compared to his temper. He is angry most of the time, he is moody, one minute is calm and the next he explodes. There are days when everything sets him off. He comes home from work and starts with the criticism: nothing is good, I don't cook enough, I don't clean enough, I don't take care of our son. It is true that there are days when I am tired, when the dishes are not washed or the laundry remains in the washing machine...but I am the one doing it all. He does nothing, absolutely nothing around the house..well, when he is not gambling he is playing video games. In his "bad" days he orders me around, I have to serve him dinner and after he eats he simply gets up and leaves all the mess behind him (dirty dishes, leftovers...). I need to clean after him as if he was a baby. 
He talks badly about me in front of my mother and his parents. He underlines any of my shortcomings.
He is extremely jealous of me even though he has no reason to be. He calls me a "****" even though he was the first man that I slept with. 
I tried to talk to him, to ask him to stop gambling, to be nicer, to help me around the house. I tried with nice talking, I yelled at him, I said i would leave, nothing worked. On the contrary, his angry outburts, yelling, name calling, spitting, shoving, breaking objects intensified. He hit me a couple of times, a few slaps, left some bruises on my arms. He has this unique way of knowing exactly what buttons to push to provoke me, to have a reaction from me, to make me feel guilty. I will give you an example: he comes home angry, he gives me the silent treatment, I ignore him, he gets angrier and stars to yell at me: go get me that or that, go make me dinner, go get me beer, take out the gargbage now. I continue to ignore him even though I am angry and afraid. He acts like this in front of our son. If he gets no reaction from me he tells our son: mom is bad, lazy, she does not love you and you don't love her. As incredible as it may sound, he even tells him to hit me which he does. I am a wreck, there are many nights that I cry myself to sleep. I had depression and anxiety 2 years ago. I took an antidepressants for 6 months and i defeated depression. I am struggling now, but I seem fine as long as I avoid thinking about my marriage problems. Our last fight was because of money, he took it all and when i confronted him he grabbed my neck and pushed me. I reacted really bad. I should have remained calm, but I started screaming and hitting him back. I honnestly don't understand my reaction, I swear that deep down I was so afraid, but I got violent too. I don't know why. Maybe is all the anger that I gathered in my heart, maybe is the depression coming back, I don't know...of course I was the one left with bruises, he was fine, but once again he can prove to everyone that i am to blame, that I am a bad wife and a bad mother. I am sad and lonely and I would really appreciate to hear your opinions. I am 30 btw and he is the same age


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

You take your son and move out, file for divorce and never look back.

You know this. 

Why haven't you done it?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

eliza1984 said:


> Our last fight was because of money, he took it all and when i confronted him he grabbed my neck and pushed me. I reacted really bad. I should have remained calm, but I started screaming and hitting him back. I honnestly don't understand my reaction, I swear that deep down I was so afraid, but I got violent too. I don't know why. Maybe is all the anger that I gathered in my heart, maybe is the depression coming back, I don't know...of course I was the one left with bruises, he was fine, but once again he can prove to everyone that i am to blame, that I am a bad wife and a bad mother. I am sad and lonely and I would really appreciate to hear your opinions. I am 30 btw and he is the same age


He grabbed you by the neck and pushed you, and you don't know why your nature instinct was to fight back? Your reaction was normal. I wonder why you don't know this.

You are with a man who abuses you in every way... emotionally, financially and physically.

Can you please explain why you have not left?

Does your family know this is going on?

Seriously, you need to get out of this marriage.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Locate your local domestic abuse advocate/hot line/shelter immediately... Be VERY DISCRETE. They can provide you shelter for you and your husband. If he lays a hand on you again in the mean time call the cops AND PRESS CHARGES. You must get to safety with your child immediately.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Locate your local domestic abuse advocate/hot line/shelter immediately... Be VERY DISCRETE. They can provide you shelter for you *and your husband*. If he lays a hand on you again in the mean time call the cops AND PRESS CHARGES. You must get to safety with your child immediately.


Blossom.. don't you mean "your child" in that paragraph?


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

I think that people should try to make marriage work, and that most things can be dealt with... That is, besides infidelity for which there is no honest attempt at reconciliation and remorse, and also abuse. Your husband is abusing you in damn near every way you can. You need to leave, because it will only escalate.

Also: what kind of a man do want your son to grow up and become? Right now, he is having the behaviour of an abuser role modeled for him by his father, and you are role modeling the type of behaviour he can look for in a compliant abuse victim.

I'm so sorry to hear of your troubles. At the first chance, you need to get yourself and your son into a shelter for victims of domestic violence.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

I know exactly how you feel, OP, and I teared up reading your post. My ex was exactly like that, minus the gambling problem, and believe me and the others, it WONT get better. It will get much, much worse. The longer you let him abuse you, the more controlling and abusive he will become. It takes a lot of courage to leave, I know. I think you need to have the courage for your son. It will really damage him the older he gets having a model like this for marriage or relationships in general. PLEASE leave your husband. Go to a shelter if you don't have family or friends to stay with. Get out now.


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## Granada (Jul 24, 2014)

you are financially independent. 
you have family around to help you. 
your loser husband abuses you verbally and physically.
he hits you.

what are you waiting for??? there is no fairy godmother who will come wave her wand and make this nightmare end. only you have the power to do it. 

you owe it to your son to make smart, sensible decisions. his father is a terrible role model, it's up to you to teach him some important lessons of life. like what is right and what's wrong. how to deal with difficult issues. what a strong, smart woman is like. he will look up to you for the answers.

think - are you ready to leave? if you're not ready, and suddenly there's an escalation, what's your escape plan? do you have money put aside for an emergency? do you have a safe place you can go to, or someone you can stay with? please don't wait for the sky to collapse on you. leaving is difficult, but if you plan things well, you will find that the life you left behind is far worse than the life ahead of you.

good luck.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

So you are married to an addict. You are his enabler. You are rabidly codependent.

Why?

Because anyone who wasn't codependent would have gotten the he!! outta Dodge a long time ago.

Gambling, just like drugs and alcohol, is an addiction.

Everyone is asking why you are staying. You call your marriage a "nightmare." What help do you want?

Help to remain? Help to suck it up? Help to fix it/him? My money is on you pinning your happiness on hubs to quit gambling.

After all, if he quits, then your marriage will be fine, right?

Get out. Get help. Get back on your side of the street by taking care of YOURSELF and YOUR CHILD.

P.S. - If your husband got into Gambler Anonymous and worked on his problems, you would be unpleasantly surprised to find out just how many of your own problems you have. After all, if he got his sh!t together, you would be left to focus on YOU.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

Dear sister,
Leave. You know that is the only way forward.
Also keep record of violence. Police calls etc.
This will help when the case gets before a judge.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marko (Jul 22, 2013)

a relationship with violence and abuse is not love, no matter what he says to you. there are many signals here for you to get out now. it will escalate and will get worse. the next step could be killing you or your son when you are not around. 

there is no respect there from him. he has distanced himself from normal accepted behavior in our society. 

have respect for yourself please, leave with your son. 

if you do not have the means to leave right away then slowly save up cash, get plans ready, do not let him know any of this.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Find a counselor, be honest with them, do this today.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

Please leave this abusive man. Do you want your son to learn this is way to be? You need to get away from thus man as quickly as you can. Take off work and leave during the day if you have to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

I agree with everybody else. Contact your domestic abuse center.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I would take the advice that others have given you here....FAST

Meanwhile, you really need to look in the mirror and think about how you even thought about ...
a) getting involved with a man like that
b) marrying him
c) having a kid with him
d) continue to stay with him AND have your kid around him

Don't get me wrong, your husband is completely broken. But it was ALL within your control to not let a-d happen, you did.

Ask yourself why and how, learn from it and NEVER let it happen again!!!

There is a HUGE lesson for you to learn from all this......


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