# Who was that?



## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Just a quick question please. 
If every time you speak to someone on the phone in your spouse’s presence, your spouse asks you whom you were talking to, is it a sign of interest or mistrust. In either case, what is the cure? If you do not ask your spouse every time they finish a phone conversation, does it mean you trust them or just that you are not interested in whom they speak to?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

MaiChi said:


> Just a quick question please.
> If every time you speak to someone on the phone in your spouse’s presence, your spouse asks you whom you were talking to, is it a sign of interest or mistrust. In either case, what is the cure? If you do not ask your spouse every time they finish a phone conversation, does it mean your trust them or just that you are not interested in whom they speak to?


In the case of my spouse, both. I trust her, and I'm really not interested.

If she ever does anything that would cause me to not trust her? Guess what ? I won't be interested in her, nor in who she talks to, ever again.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

If I ever ask, its purely out of curiosity. I usually don't ask unless it was a long conversation or if I'm hearing one side that sounds interesting.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I always hated being the one to ask.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

"Back in the day"  , when everyone had a landline phone, your spouse could be pretty sure who you were talking to on the phone. People didn't use their phones as much, and each person didn't have their own phone, with their own contacts; and their phone access protected with a passcode.

Today's environment lends itself to uncertainty and suspicion if the marriage is not solid, or doesn't have good communication.

I have found out recently that my husband is quite sneaky about who he communicates with on the phone. He has a whole other side to him when he talks to other people. I guess I first noticed it when he would take his phone and go into the other room and shut the door, lol!

Not so much that I think he's cheating; he just has a persona with, for instance, co-workers that doesn't add up with what he tells me about them. Like, he doesn't like them, he tells me all their faults, how he can't stand being there, etc. etc.

Then on his phone he will have fairly long, buddy-chum-pal conversations with them, that could have been resolved in about two minutes.

I'm not much of a phone talker, so I'm biased about the whole subject anyway.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I find it is no big deal. My wife is just curious. Never really even though about it in the manner your questioning it.

What else is going on in your relationship that makes this a question worth posting ?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

MaiChi said:


> Just a quick question please.
> If every time you speak to someone on the phone in your spouse’s presence, your spouse asks you whom you were talking to, is it a sign of interest or mistrust. In either case, what is the cure? If you do not ask your spouse every time they finish a phone conversation, does it mean your trust them or just that you are not interested in whom they speak to?


For me it is not about trust or interest, but more about understanding if the call is important and for how long it will last. For example if my wife is talking to her mom, I know that call may last for over an hour and that it is OK if I need to interrupt and ask something. If she is speaking to someone related to work, I know that the call will be rather short and that I should not interrupt. 

But wait... you would think I would be able to tell the difference between talking to family and a work phone call by listening for context. Well most of the time I can, but sometimes I do not have the patience to listen and try to figure it out. Sometimes I have to leave the house in a matter of minutes and I need to get a message across. Can I just tell her while she is on the phone or do I need to write it down...

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*It could be either, but's it's preeminently better than a spousal retort of "it's none of your damned business!"

In which case, they're probably trying to hide something!*


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Why shouldn't your spouse be interested? Do you live separate lives, have separate friends, keep things from each other? When someone calls it likely has some impact or interest to your spouse as well if only from a curiosity factor.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

What a good question.

Who did you talk to about this?

............................................................

I find this type of question triggering.

Not in itself, in conjunction with other digging nits.

Nosy contrived, derived from insecurities.

The question is oft followed by the inquisition, the same nit picking digs.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

The "Who was that?" question isn't revealing enough on its own. It could be that your spouse is a jealous, paranoid, controlling person. Or it could be that they are interested in you and your activities. 

In my life, I can usually tell from the content of what my wife says and her tone who she is talking to (at least down to a class of people like her hobby friends vs neighbors vs relatives vs etc). If what I hear of the conversation interests me or it seems like something she is excited about, I might ask her who it was or what she was talking about.

I almost never talk on the phone at home, so I can't recall her asking me who I was talking to. If she has, it wasn't from jealousy. We're married. We trust each other. We actively try to spend a lot of time together. We don't get jealous of each other.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

I think it's a part of being transparent with one's spouse. If one is offended that their spouse would ask, then they need to do some soul searching as to why.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

I'm a curious person. I also like to know what is going on in his life. Put those two together, and I have been guilty of asking him "Who was that?"

It never occurs to me that he is talking with a women he is not supposed to be talking to, so my questioning "Who was that?" is not due to distrust.

Also, I care about him. If the conversation lasted for a while, or if his end of the conversation sounds unusual I will ask him about it afterwards, to show interest in his life.


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

Both my husband and I will ask this.

It's not about distrust no but curiosity.

If someone walks up to one of us while out and starts chatting - we would be introduced or at least told who the person was.

Why would a phone conversation be much different?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MaiChi said:


> Just a quick question please.
> If every time you speak to someone on the phone in your spouse’s presence, your spouse asks you whom you were talking to, is it a sign of interest or mistrust. In either case, what is the cure? If you do not ask your spouse every time they finish a phone conversation, does it mean your trust them or just that you are not interested in whom they speak to?


I could mean that they are just interested or that they do not trust you or both.

How do you handle it? Just answer the question. It's simple transparency.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I may or may not ask which of our kids she's talking to. Or if I don't think it's one of them I don't are. Although I'll ask how her mother's doing, or dad, sometimes. 

If I don't know, as a rule I don't care unless she sounds troubled and she expects me to ask.

I get work calls, church calls, my girlfriend calls (just kidding, none of that), sometimes W asks, I tell her, sometimes she doesn't. 

We have that trust I guess. Mostly if I should care she'll tell me.

If it ever got to a point of mistrust, I'd act accordingly, spell it out hey if it's that way, then you're a grownup, you can leave me. 

But as you know, I'm the best for any woman, your first night gone is my first night dating.

I'm being a little facetious but it would go very much like that.
😉


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

We ask each other this often. About both phone calls and texts. I never really thought about a meaning behind it, just kinda natural.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

badsanta said:


> For me it is not about trust or interest, but more about understanding if the call is important and for how long it will last. For example if my wife is talking to her mom, I know that call may last for over an hour and that it is OK if I need to interrupt and ask something. If she is speaking to someone related to work, I know that the call will be rather short and that I should not interrupt.
> 
> But wait... you would think I would be able to tell the difference between talking to family and a work phone call by listening for context. Well most of the time I can, but sometimes I do not have the patience to listen and try to figure it out. Sometimes I have to leave the house in a matter of minutes and I need to get a message across. Can I just tell her while she is on the phone or do I need to write it down...
> 
> ...


I would say you need to tell her what she needs to know and if it is important you write it down in case she forgets, but you do not need to ask her whom she is talking to unless there is some relevance in the question. it is that relevance we are trying to establish. 

I trust my husband 100% so I never ask whom he was talking to on his phone. My assumption is that if it is relevant for me to know, he will tell me. Sometimes he does and other times he does not. That is OK with me. But he asks me every single time and recently I asked him why he does that and he said he is interested in how I spend my day, He likes sharing and when I take a call when we are together it interrupts our quality time, so he wants to know who is doing that.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

BigToe said:


> Why shouldn't your spouse be interested? Do you live separate lives, have separate friends, keep things from each other? When someone calls it likely has some impact or interest to your spouse as well if only from a curiosity factor.


Not saying he should not ask. We are asking what the idea is when he does ask. Do we all ask for the same reasons or does asking have other connotations?


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> I could mean that they are just interested or that they do not trust you or both.
> 
> How do you handle it? Just answer the question. It's simple transparency.


It is not at all a bother to answer the question. Sometimes I might say "Silvie says hello." before he asks. Then he does not ask the primary question but may ask the secondary and tertiary questions. 

Never interested me before about him asking but It bothered me more when I realised that I never ask. This is more about me not asking than him asking. I just assumed he would tell me if I need to know. I realised this only these few days when I asked why he always asks me. 

The history of the phone in our lives goes back to the beginning. During our bond years we decided not to answer the phone on Sunday as we designated it our weekly full day. From Saturday evening to Sunday evening the phone was not plugged in. When we had mobile phone they both would be off during that period. 

Lately, after two children, we sometimes still leave the hones alone on Sundays but once in a while we check or leave them on. Still Sunday is family day and we spent it all four of us together. 

So "Who was that? " means that. I was just interested to notice I had never asked the question and wondered if others think I should have been asking it.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I was on the phone one morning with my brothers wife and we were laughing about something.
My fiancée came into the room just as I hung up and she asked me who was on the phone.
“Your sister” I replied,”We were just planning a dirty weekend away”
“Just make sure she’s back for work on Monday” was her reply.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I cannot imagine ANY normal, balanced person making this simple question into a big deal.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

MaiChi said:


> Just a quick question please.
> 
> If every time you speak to someone on the phone in your spouse’s presence, your spouse asks you whom you were talking to, is it a sign of interest or mistrust. In either case, what is the cure? If you do not ask your spouse every time they finish a phone conversation, does it mean you trust them or just that you are not interested in whom they speak to?




Who do you typically speak on the phone to?


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

personofinterest said:


> I cannot imagine ANY normal, balanced person making this simple question into a big deal.


The simplicity or complexity is in the context at the time of asking. Those who control their spouses absolutely use this as their starting point. You might not have met a person who controls the other. When you do it will frighten you. 

Yet people who do not control also ask the question for other reasons.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Agreed - but don't forget the importance of non-verbal communication. Is possible to ask the same questions in very different ways. 

"who was that" can be curious or accusative depending on how its said.




personofinterest said:


> I cannot imagine ANY normal, balanced person making this simple question into a big deal.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

inmyprime said:


> Who do you typically speak on the phone to?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


During the week I talk to my friends verbally on the phone. All my friends know not to call randomly over weekends and not at all on Sundays. Family members have a little more flexibility but most do not ring on Sunday. We do not sleep with phone on unless someone is seriously ill and we need updates. The children go to bed at 8.30 latest and after that outside comms stop. 

Sometimes someone abroad miscalculates the time difference and rings at odd hours. We see a miscall when phones come back on. We also use the same lock code on both phones.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

MaiChi said:


> Just a quick question please.
> 
> If every time you speak to someone on the phone in your spouse’s presence, your spouse asks you whom you were talking to, is it a sign of interest or mistrust



I would say it’s a sign of boredom (for me it would be anyway).



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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

inmyprime said:


> I would say it’s a sign of boredom (for me it would be anyway).
> 
> LOL. Good. So I should reply by asking if he is bored and would he like to go somewhere or play a game? We do not have a TV We decided it kills conversations between family members so we have to other things.
> 
> ...


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

MaiChi said:


> ...so we have to do other things



Like ask who is calling? 



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## Lost Wife (Nov 3, 2018)

MaiChi said:


> Just a quick question please.
> If every time you speak to someone on the phone in your spouse’s presence, your spouse asks you whom you were talking to, is it a sign of interest or mistrust. In either case, what is the cure? If you do not ask your spouse every time they finish a phone conversation, does it mean you trust them or just that you are not interested in whom they speak to?



It could be either. If you don't ask, it could mean either. It all depends on your spouse's feelings, and your specific relationship.

You say, what is the "fix", which means you have a problem somewhere you would like fixed. What is the issue?


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