# Need advice from those that have tried or are in a reconciliation



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

Hi I may not have time to post my whole story (or energy) but I wanted to know if any surviving spouses or BS has felt numb when time has gone by and the WS comes back and begs for another chance? After almost a year of D-Day he wants back in and I just don't know what I feel (no hate, no passion, no love not much of anything, I am completly relax and not even arguing). He is the father of my son and I care about him, but my world revolved around him and now numbness. My therapist thinks it is all hidden but wanted to see if anyone has felt this.:scratchhead:

Should I just move on?


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

Grey Goose said:


> Hi I may not have time to post my whole story (or energy) but I wanted to know if any surviving spouses or BS has felt numb when time has gone by and the WS comes back and begs for another chance? After almost a year of D-Day he wants back in and I just don't know what I feel (no hate, no passion, no love not much of anything, I am completly relax and not even arguing). He is the father of my son and I care about him, but my world revolved around him and now numbness. My therapist thinks it is all hidden but wanted to see if anyone has felt this.:scratchhead:
> 
> Should I just move on?


Wow, still numb after a year. Sounds like you have buried it, and just for your own well being it needs to be addressed. I am no therapist, but supressing is generally never a good thing.

Did you get out all your anger and spew venom etc. on Dday and the weeks after that? have you gone through the hurt and agony over what he did? Or did you go numb on dday and there you remain?

I was numb for the first week or so but it turned into hurt and anger rather quickly. That's got to suck for you because, well, you don't know what to do. Sounds like it will have to be worked out in therapy. Hopefully others will post and can you help you a bit more.


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

Oh I have gone throgh many emotions over the alomst year but then one day I just got tired of seeing his pictures partying on FB while I dealt with our 2 year old and something just went madly insane. I burnt all photos of him, our wedding and memories and I think the switch started that night. From there on I just started not caring (that was almost 3 months ago), i had job interviews in the US (I live in the Caribbean) and things just changed within me. But it is so strange cause this guy was the love of my life. Now I see him crying and begging and it does not do anything for me. I want to be sure all is over in me because of my 2 year old. 

I read somewhere that some people go through all the emotions and then go numb, but I am just not sure I understood why. He is all for the marriage now, getting married again and even having another child. I have access to everything and he sort of suffocates me sometimes because of how much time he spends after me. 

Anyone has any idea or advice? Still in therapy.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Grey Goose said:


> He is all for the marriage now, getting married again and even having another child. I have access to everything and he sort of suffocates me sometimes because of how much time he spends after me.


Beyond pressuring you to R what has been doing in terms of working on himself, self examitanio. What has changed within t make you believe he won't screw you again in the future? Why would you feel safe with him again? What can he offer now in that aspect?
Has he ever read about infidelity? Getting advice? IC?


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

I think that's normal after a period of time has passed where you are separate from someone who hurt you badly. 

Should you move on? Well, I would advise you to consider why you would want to reconcile with someone you're not feeling passionate about? 

My ex was an alcoholic who was physically abusive when he was drinking. After we split, he went through extensive rehab and sobered up. We maintained a friendship on behalf of our daughters. He wanted to reconcile and I just did not feel any love for him any more. There was no reason for me to even try again, not even for my daughters.


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

Thanks for the questions Acabado, good ones. 

He is now in therapy, he says he has read a lot (no idea if it is true), he says he understands my numbness and feels we can work on it together, he has not called or spent time with anyone but us and he seems like the guy I knew 5 years ago. I have no idea if he will screw up again or not but after ALL he has done I have no idea if he has what it takes "la madera" to really be there, but it does not bother me, nor does it make me anxious anymore.

I just suddenly went from one place to the other one. From feeling like the world would end, to not giving a crap. Is that normal? I have a 2 year old that lights up when he sees us together and I do not want to screw him up. His father has issues from his family (dysfunctional crew and he was abandoned by his father), I do not think these are excuses since I have my baggage as well. 

En shock total!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Find out WHY!


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Move on. He can still be in your child's life and you can be 'friendly' with him but I wouldn't take him back. That ship has sailed.

He appears to be the kind of person that only wants what he cannot have. After he gets you back, he'll no doubt go back to his old ways.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Exacly ho did he justify himself the whole thing?
Some times the right question is not why but why now?



> he says he understands my numbness and feels we can work on it together


They way he feels is not of help. He must show you the maths. He also need to show you the new tools in his arsenal to make impossible reocurence. He also needs to show you a PLAN. 
I feel "we" can work.. amount to nothing.

He just seems to want what he had in the past after getting to know the grass is not greener outhere anymore. For now. Again, all about what he wants. I asume he uses your child to guilty trip you. Where was his child when he decided to life the single life? How commited (self work) he is to don't destroy so careless his son's security again?


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Find out WHY!


Thanks I am trying to, my therapist thinks that only time will let me know what I truly feel. That I have gone through a lot and my system is just not allowing more pain. Funny thing is 4 months ago I would have never thought he would be back and the only thing I wanted was that. Then all the legal process started and I started to live my life, started seeing TAMs forums and posts and saw I was not the only one here and everything started to change. My head was not crazy anymore, I could think straight and manage my life.

He has been asking for a second chance since the end of September, but there were weird signs of his regretfullness since maybe earlier than that, I just did not think about it and ignored them.

I would not say he is using my son, but I do know he knows how important my son is to me. It has been a pretty long process for me, but I feel good and stronger than ever, I have lost people in my life whom I thought were friends and have discovered others that are true friends.

If you asked me if he was a bad person, I would hesitate. Stupid and emotionally immature... yes. !


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Did she throw him out? Or did the 180 work?


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Yes, I know that numb feeling. 

When you see them crying there in front of you, and you are so desensitized to it after seeing it every day for a month, you just come to expect it. 
When you hear their pleading, and you just filter it out to watch TV. 
When you hear their cries and your so numb emotionally, you can't even dream at night, you just fall asleep...

Not a happy place. 

In the events after DDay, depending on how you do it, you have usually two outcomes from a betrayed spouse:
Emotion of any kind. This may be extreme sadness, hurt, betrayed displays of emotion. Or it may be extreme rage and anger directed at the wayward spouse. Or even denial. 
But the second reaction, is indifference. Uncaring. Unloving. Dead. 

And the second reaction is more dangerous. Because it seems (from what I have seen on the site and life) when there is indifference, there is divorce following. 
And that indifference and numbness is just the body trying to protect itself from what hurt it, by slowly forgetting and killing off those memories. 

And it is not pleasant. Been there. 

I don't know your whole story, or the reason for it. 
But if you are at the point of indifference, it is very difficult to cross back to feeling emotions for your spouse. It would probably be better to divorce.


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Did she throw him out? Or did the 180 work?


Their thing appar;mm ently died a week or 2 after d-day (December 19, 2011). He moved in with his mother after I kicked him out and he left his job since april 2012 without another job linned up. I did not do the 180, at least not on purpose.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Grey Goose said:


> Their thing appar;mm ently died a week or 2 after d-day (December 19, 2011). He moved in with his mother after I kicked him out and he left his job since april 2012 without another job linned up. I did not do the 180, at least not on purpose.


He's short of money. Life outhere is not funny anymore.


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

Acabado said:


> He's short of money. Life outhere is not funny anymore.


That would be the normal thing to think but I haven't given him any nor have I paid for anything (for him). He's been responsible with our son, buying groceries for us, fixing things in the house and has even brought gifts for us. Plus he has a new job.


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

I'm in R, and doing - ehh..OK - after 5 months into R. But for myself, part of me wishes we would've split. And wishes that he'd have come begging back.....and that I'd be in a place where I didn't need him to. 

Question is...What do YOU want? Are you still in love with him? The love that can forgive anything? Or..if you're numb...would you just go back because it's familiar?

You've been over the hard part - Now you need to figure out what YOU need/want. 

Is it him still?


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## Penny_Lane (Nov 2, 2012)

Here's my advise.

You need to try to figure out exactly what you want. It doesn't have to be done quick.
So here's some questions for you.

!. What exactly would your ex have to do to begin (begin) to earn your trust again? For instance, land a decent paying job or share cell phone accounts so everyone knows who's talking with whom or setting very specific visiting times and showing up on time....etc.

2. Do you still think you want to be in a long term/committed relatonship, with...anyone? Or are you better right now on your own?

3. Sounds like you're doing this one, but find out why you're feeling numb. Is it because you feel overhelmed at the turn of events in your life? If so, what would you like to start to see for your future? A new home or a new/different job? Maybe some trust in the world again?

4. You don't have to go back, if you don't want to. And if you want to go back, you can try that too. Either way is ok. Just take your time and think it over.

5. If you could outline what exactly you would want from a committed relationship, what would it be? Dedication or faithfullness, understanding or devotion?

6. Start to be the person YOU want to be, whether it's with him or without. If you decide, for example, that you want a devoted relationship, be a devoted kind of person.

I wish you tons of luck in your decision. Either way can be seen as right. He's hurt you terribly and it may be that you're moving on? Sorta "been there, done that"? Tackle your anger, you'll be ok. You have control over YOU. Take your time. xox


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

Penny_Lane said:


> Here's my advise.
> 
> You need to try to figure out exactly what you want. It doesn't have to be done quick.
> So here's some questions for you.
> ...


LOOOOOOVE your suggestions and for many of them I already have answers. In the process of being alone I have gone back to the person I was and always wanted to be, but yes I should think if I want to be with anyone and particularly him and many of your other questions.

Thanks!:iagree:


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

So Sad Lady said:


> I'm in R, and doing - ehh..OK - after 5 months into R. But for myself, part of me wishes we would've split. And wishes that he'd have come begging back.....and that I'd be in a place where I didn't need him to.
> 
> Grey Goose - This happens with time and, sorry to say this, with a lot of pain. I think maybe I should post my whole story some time, it could help someone.
> 
> ...


You are VERY right< i need to figure it out!:scratchhead:

I am here if you need me, been there!


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