# Husband acting out, maybe due to stress??



## Kessandra (Dec 4, 2009)

Hi all. 

I posted recently about my husband canceling our wedding ceremony, we are legally married but planned on celebrating at his home town after the fact.

So after he canceled everything, we have spent weeks apart but talked. I thought we made serious progress. He was really nice and thoughtful during this time. He came to see me this weekend and it was a disaster. 

I planned a nice weekend, he got into town late, it was a short nice evening and I woke up to stony silence for the entire day. The next morning, I was presented with a litany of things I have done wrong, (in less than 48hours!). I was upset, got really defensive, I know that doesn't help but I was just so frustrated with the accusations, the weekend was ruined. 

He blamed me for things that sadly, are simply not true, seemed unreal, I felt/feel he was making things up. I have known him for 4 years and while perhaps I have seen very diluted versions of this behavior, never anything on this scale. 

How do I deal with him when he refuses to speak, makes things up, (such as saying I wasn't welcoming when he came into town...so the decorated house, candles, dinner, hugs and big kiss were somehow unwelcome?) I feel like he is grasping at straws to make me the bad "guy" so to speak.

Believe me, I am more than willing to cop to things that I do, but the things he brought up, are unfair and frankly, strike me as ridiculous. He is hyper critical right now, strangely so, like complaining how I answered my phone awhile back....??!!

He is furious that I will not go home to see his family now, I think he is worried about appearances. However I am not interested in lying about why we canceled the ceremony, nor "pretending" we aren't married. (he asked to keep that to us until the ceremony).

He thinks I am punishing him, I don't mean to, but honestly I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me, we lost thousands of dollars, the cancelations were embarrassing, and the irony here is that i never expected a ceremony! I am sick over this incessant fighting and faking a smile for his family is to much. And its after the holidays, I'm not ruining their holidays or anything. (he can't travel until later so I would be with his family that I barely know for 3 weeks - also, no one back there has gone to any effort or cost) but canceling our rings, that seemed low. He says he won't wear a ring now.....

I feel like I am going nuts, he is under major work pressure and its like he's blowing a fuse.

He left, packed his things and is gone. Told me he doesnt care about christmas...

I am so frustrated, I sadly feel better that he is gone, I want to fix this but I don't know how. I don't want us to spend the holidays apart, but perhaps I should just leave him alone for awhile. 

I'll be fine, I've been alone on holidays before, I just think it is terribly sad to be newly married and find myself in this situation.

I welcome any suggestions on how to get past this, Kes


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## sienna (Dec 8, 2009)

I dont know what to say to you Kes. Its a really tough situation to find yourself in. I know because I am going through something similar. 
The one thing I have learnt is that you cannot force someone to talk about how they feel. The more you try to push him the more he will distance himself. You have already created the space between you so that you can think about things, but sometimes that distance can work against you if you are trying to rebuild the intimacy. 
When you say you didnt want the ceremony anyway, was it his suggestion? 
Sometimes the reality of it all sets in and maybe he is starting to realise that he actually has to be responsible for his own behaviours and actions. Does he come from a family where it is accepted to act out and behave irrationally if you are not getting what you want? How would his parents react to him throwing a tantrum?


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## Kessandra (Dec 4, 2009)

I personally don't like distance but its something he does, he did this very early in our relationship. I feel that generally I have to "chase" him around to get him to talk or to recover from an argument. I am thinking I need to stop "trying" with him right now. I am not a fan of the silent treatment but I am sick and tired of this right now, I keep examining myself wondering what I have done. Its been a tough year for me, my parents died, I gave up my career for us, I've kept my chin up through all of it and I agree to this ceremony and he just pulls it away. 

The $ we lost was MINE too. Its laughable that I wasn't asking for this but it was something I was looking forward too, honestly, it was a good preoccupation for me, took my mind off of things. I was working on my dress, putting together little gifts for his family, just little stuff I know.

He is an intense guy, very smart, adventurous, but somewhat introverted. I am talkative, extroverted, educated...we have been known to clash but lately I feel PUSHED. 

We're both stubborn but this feels different, and its more intense than we have ever been. Hurtful. He had a tough upbringing, and a very bad divorce many years ago. His relationship with his ex is horrible to this day, and I suspect she is attempting something again (this is seemingly becoming an annual event), he rarely talks of any of this, I have no involvement (not that I want any). 

I think this is adding to his "overload", he did what was to me at least a "terrible" thing, he accused me of some things his ex wife used to do. I have delicately pointed this out, and he has yet to comment, he did get quiet so I hope he is thinking about that. 

The ceremony...I was fine with our courthouse wedding, and we had his best friends there, it was perfect. He wanted a ceremony...I am not comfortable with a traditional wedding, he has always known that, and been ok with it. He wanted to include his family and friends to make them feel part of this (he is rarely home) and to continue "introducing me". We agreed on more of a "party", I would wear a nice gown, but no weddingy stuff. As the planning progressed, suddenly we were going to be in a church for a "brief" statement....from his good friend the PRIEST LOL! 

They are catholic, egads, I am not religious.....but I agreed to go along because it was so important to him. He was doing the planning/working with his family. It was alot of effort for him, I would have helped but I don't know his family, nor do I speak the language. Again, it was during this planning that he started becoming a neurotic bridezilla, it was so weird. 

Tension had been building and he suddenly declared the dress I was working on was HORRIBLE (he had seen at least 10 pictures of it a month prior). He insisted it be changed to a completely different dress.

And then he blamed me for doing something for the last 20 yrs in our marriage. UM. I HAVE ONLY KNOWN HIM FOR 4. He was referring to his ex/ME. I pointed that out, he went into a funk.

Next day on Thanksgiving (we were on a special little trip) he brutally pulled the plug, canceled everything. I had no say in the matter. I felt he was trying to hurt me, if the ceremony was no longer fun, I can accept that, but to cancel our rings....that bothers me. Still does. 

I don't know what is going on but I feel like I don't even know him anymore.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I am gonna guess that all the crap he and his ex went through haunts him and that he never sought out therapy for himself after it was said and done. 

I would ask him to go see a MC, and if he doesn't want to talk about all his "issues" tell him you would like to talk to one together to learn how to better communicate with him. This way you are both getting some coaching as to whats "fair fighting" and whats not. Eventually he might come to trust the counselor enough to open up about these things that bother him, and you can be there to help sort it all out.

I am not in any way saying you are wrong for feeling hurt, but I think he is having some trust issues, not really because of you but because of his past, and I think you could work through it if you both want to! Best of luck honey!


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## Kessandra (Dec 4, 2009)

Thanks for listening to me Sienna and DawnD.

He never did seek therapy. His relationship with his sons is abysmal, I always felt that he was almost in an abusive relationship, based on the parts I know. But I do know there are 2 sides so I am not saying she is evil. 

What she is to some degree is/was mentally ill (seriously). He let her have full custody after she threatened suicide. He pays her alimony and child support, the alimony is not legally required. Child support has ended for one, ending for the other, and with it her alimony (he has stuck to an old agreement between them, he would care for her until the kids were of age). I do know his boys won't speak to him, and he had written them letters...but they still haven't written or called him. Its been almost a year now. Recently I know he did something else for her so she could keep her home.

I always thought the story was really sad and brutal. For both of them. But he seemed like he had dealt with it, he said he had anyway.

Maybe this is less about me?? How frustrating on one hand, on the other.... it would be nice to think this isn't about US so to speak.

Any other perspectives out there? Thank you.


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