# Time to be (mostly) over divorce



## littlekings

How long before most of you felt "OK" with things post divorce?

What stuck or nagged at you the longest.

I am about 85% better and over things but the last 15% isn't going away. OR is the last 15% my own problems???

Thoughts?


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## Shooboomafoo

Its been 2 years for me, but the situations can be different in how it all went down, and resulting effects on you in areas.
The hardest issue with me above all is the acceptance of the guy that my ex had the EA with, now living in the marital home with my ex and my kid. The loss of self esteem, and resulting lack of understanding about the why's and the how's. 
Ultimately, it is finally realizing and accepting that there is nothing I can or could have done to change the situation, so must constantly keep on guard against allowing those resentments to occupy my thoughts. They are only as powerful as you make them, and choosing to say "fk it, i dont care anymore" does not negate the validity and value that your "once upon a time family" truly had.


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## 2005tahoe

Im 6 months into my separation and honestly, the ink on the papers wouldnt be dry yet when I sign them. Thats how quick I want mine over. Not ONE phone call, test or email since then, see ya STBXW!!


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## Jellybeans

It was a VERY long time for me. Maybe two years before I started to feeling like I was putting the past behind me. And the hurt still creeps in sometimes but nothing like it was back then. I was seriously fcked up for a very long time after it happened.

What stuck and nagged the most? The fact that this idea I had of my life, of the actual life I had, with a husband and a house and a marriage and everything, was only a snippet in time in my life, a chapter. I didn't sign up for a chapter's worth. I thought it was the whole book. The hardest thing for me was coming to terms with the fact that what I believed would be true for me simply wasn't anymore. It really does a jedi-mindfvck to your head (well, it did for me).

I never ever thought I would get divorced. Never.


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## Daisy10

I was half way there as soon as the divorce was finalized. I'd say it took another couple of years before I was all the way over it.


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## Mrlonelyhearts

I thought I was doing okay. It's been two years. I've made a lot of progress this year. Even thinking about dating. However, I am cautious on that, cause this weekend I was crying all over the place. I was home alone (non kid weekend) and I was arranging all the pictures on the computer. Too much time thinking about the past and the loss of being with my kids all the time. I guess in looking at all those photos, I forgot about all the fighting with the ex. I don 't miss that.


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## stillhoping

Like Jelly, the worst part for me is future that won't happen now. I have lots of good memories of the 28 years I was married, but now everything with my kids is tainted by his selfish actions. Each holiday is to be experienced separately, he moved in with the girlfriend, now they need to share him with a stranger and her kids. When I think about grandchildren coming, I get nuts, I don't want to share them, I hoped we would have a part in their lives and it would be so cool. I can't forgive him, can't stand to see him and I know that makes it hard for my kids, who by the way are grown at 24 and 26, but still our kids. Most days, I get through with only a second thought about him now. And I could see myself with someone else some day, but for now, I have plenty going on in my life. I figure, given the length of time married, I am doing pretty well, not quite 2 years out from the D being final


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## littlekings

Stillhoping, your point about sharing hits a chord. Her affair guy isn't living there but is around. I wish I could keep my kids away from him, he is pond scum. Ex has done some stupid stuff but is still an OK mom.
I am 2 1/2 years from implosion, 1/2 year since papers signed.
I get the feeling (from what limited contact I have with ex) that she thinks everything she did was OK. That burns. No apologies, no concern about what I went through. No remorse for the way she handled things. And I'm not so much mad she wanted out of marriage but she never had the guts to be honest and straight forward. Everything out of her mouth was a lie then she would sneak back to affair guy. I am happier now than I have been in years.
The other part that gets to me is that the extended family that I felt I played a part in just continues on and enjoys life without me. I know that is the way it is but it would have made me feel better to see everyone crash and burn without me. Selfish of me to think that but I do.
Dating has gone well but I see that I like space and alone time and that can be a challenge with kids 1/2 the time and busy work schedules. Hard to tell someone I want to be home alone every once in a while when they want to come over and hang out.


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## brokenbythis

I'm 85% over it, 15% - stuff still gets to me sometimes. I do know - without a doubt that I will never reconcile with him. The damage he's done to our lives is irrepairable.

It recently hit me in a moment of clarity - he is not the type of man I want to be with. I don't like his dysfunctional, sick, family. I don't like his messed up friends. I don't like his lack of boundaries. I don't like his immaturity and commitment phobic ways. There is really nothing I like about him anymore.

Sometimes I get angry about the things he did to hurt me, and publicly humiliate me but it goes away and I just get on with my life.

His future looks grim.. mine looks very bright and I have a lot on the horizon so the majority of the time, I'm happy and optimistic.

The old saying is so true: it takes time.... and it does get better.


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## Mrlonelyhearts

brokenbythis said:


> His future looks grim.. mine looks very bright and I have a lot on the horizon so the majority of the time, I'm happy and optimistic.


:smthumbup:


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## IndyTMI

My divorce will be final in just 2 weeks and I feel I am already 100% over it all...just waiting to be officially free.

My new relationship has everything that was lacking before and a whole lot more. My SO is everything I could ever have asked for.


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## Openminded

I ended a 45 year marriage in early summer. I was completely over it before my hearing. He immediately remarried (within a week of the hearing). I recently reconnected with someone I had been in love with before I began dating my ex-husband. I am thrilled to be free. 

We are both very happy and can be friends now that we are no longer married to each other. Life is good.


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## Jellybeans

Openminded said:


> He immediately remarried (within a week of the hearing).


I will never understand how people can do this.


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## IndyTMI

Jellybeans said:


> I will never understand how people can do this.


I can...I have been separated since Feb, filed in April and have been in a serious relationship for the past couple of months.
My hearing is in two weeks and if my new love was ready, I know I certainly would be, as we have connected on every level imaginable and neither of us have ever experienced such compatible and unrestricted love before.
The thing is with this is that there hasn't been any form of connection between my STBXW and I for a few years, so I feel no loss being away from her or missing how terribly she treated me. Once I realized there wasn't any love given from her side, it was quite easy for me to lose what love I had for her.


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## Jellybeans

IndyTMI said:


> I can...I have been separated since Feb, filed in April and have been in a serious relationship for the past couple of months.
> My hearing is in two weeks and if my new love was ready, I know I certainly would be, as we have connected on every level imaginable and neither of us have ever experienced such compatible and unrestricted love before.
> The thing is with this is that *there hasn't been any form of connection between my STBXW and I for a few years*, so I feel no loss being away from her or missing how terribly she treated me. Once I realized there wasn't any love given from her side, it was quite easy for me to lose what love I had for her.


And again, this is not something I can understand/relate to because I have never experienced it. I had to really work through those feelings after my separation/divorce. I could not even fathom dating while separated. It's just a different thought process. Not one I get. 

Different strokes.


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## IndyTMI

Jellybeans said:


> And again, this is not something I can understand/relate to because I have never experienced it. I had to really work through those feelings after my separation/divorce. I could not even fathom dating while separated. It's just a different thought process. Not one I get.
> 
> Different strokes.


My STBXW hasn't even closely began to get over our breakup yet.
It is weird to me...she is the one that had distanced herself from me in the marriage while I tried any and everything to rekindle what I felt had been lost. She resisted it all along the way, refusing to address that there was any problem with our marriage.
I finally left after several attempts and received continued rejection, plus the fact that she physically abused me.
She only seemed to want the relationship once it was considered over by me. To me, that wasn't love...that was her missing her comfort level I provided.
Even as recent as a couple of weeks ago did she ask if she could come home. 
At some point after leaving her did I realize that you can only love someone for so long without the love being returned. It's like talking to a brick wall...after a while, you realize you aren't getting anything back and makes the effort of even trying pointless.


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## Jellybeans

I am the one who left and it still wasn't an eat feat for me. 

It was traumatizing. 

But then I've never been someone who goes from relationship to relationship. Not my style.


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## badcompany

JB, I can relate to IndyTMI almost exactly, after having kids and the escalation of what I think was her BPD, I kept giving and giving and giving....and only getting just enough back to not quite give up, until I started digging deeper and found what I did.
But, no way will I marry again, if I even do, until I spend a good amount of time with a person to assure no demons are lurking.


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## Jellybeans

Well I can relate to you both about feeling like the "giver and giver" and hitting a brick wall, yet... I needed a long time for me after that. Still kinda do. 

Oh and I heaaaar that: 
*
But, no way will I marry again*


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## lenzi

IndyTMI said:


> I can...I have been separated since Feb, filed in April and have been in a serious relationship for the past couple of months.
> My hearing is in two weeks and if my new love was ready, I know I certainly would be, as we have connected on every level imaginable and neither of us have ever experienced such compatible and unrestricted love before.


You only _think_ you're ready to get married (again).

A couple of months is nowhere near enough time to get to know someone to consider marriage.

Your way of thinking is one reason why so many marriages end in divorce.


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## IndyTMI

lenzi said:


> You only _think_ you're ready to get married (again).
> 
> A couple of months is nowhere near enough time to get to know someone to consider marriage.
> 
> Your way of thinking is one reason why so many marriages end in divorce.


I disagree...we are all different. Of the relationships I have been in, none have compared to what I have and am in now.

If my STBXW wasn't BPD the marriage wouldn't have ended.
Seeing as how my new love is everything I could ever ask for, if I place the same amount of effort into it as my last marriage...it will only reinforce the concrete bond we have now.
You don't know what we have, so for you to say what you did is the same as judging a book by its cover...it's opinion and usually off by a very large degree.


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## Shooboomafoo

For me, an accidental bump in the general vicinity is more closeness and connection than Ive had in the last eight years of my life...


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## badcompany

I see your point Indy, but be cautious, people can change. BPD's can be great during that honeymoon phase only to change into what we all know too well as time passes. I'd rather be alone than do that again. 
I think, however, that the possibly pushy never satisfied character of the BPD changes you into more of a giver, and a more normal partner will really appreciate that and show it, building a very strong relationship.


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## IndyTMI

badcompany said:


> I see your point Indy, but be cautious, people can change. BPD's can be great during that honeymoon phase only to change into what we all know too well as time passes. I'd rather be alone than do that again.
> I think, however, that the possibly pushy never satisfied character of the BPD changes you into more of a giver, and a more normal partner will really appreciate that and show it, building a very strong relationship.


That is what feels so amazing with this new relationship...we are both givers and to finally be on the receiving end of that is simply awesome. We are both in awe on how we treat one another. We both really appreciate one another and that was foreign to both of us in previous relationships.


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## badcompany

I've stumbled upon the same thing I think, but just in the beginning....meeting her for the 1st time this weekend after 150+ messages and some phone convo's. Almost identical situations we both think our spouses were BPD. 
Indy, I'm curious, google the "16 personality types test", take it and report back. Many roll their eyes at this stuff but the summary page that came up after I completed the test was frighteningly accurate.


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## samyeagar

IndyTMI said:


> My divorce will be final in just 2 weeks and I feel I am already 100% over it all...just waiting to be officially free.
> 
> My new relationship has everything that was lacking before and a whole lot more. My SO is everything I could ever have asked for.


I was 100% over mine well before we even separated. The actual physical separation was a shock simply because it was breaking a nearly 20 year habit of being with her.

My marriage was dead years before it ended and I took that time to emotionally separate, and was in pretty good shape once that happened.

My new relationship is just like yours Indy. STBW...I could not have dreamed up a more perfect partner for myself.


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## IndyTMI

Your personality type: ISTP.

Strength of individual traits: Introversion - 24%, Sensing - 18%, Thinking - 2%, Prospecting - 7%.

I believe I took this shortly after separating and it was quite different...I believe I have certainly grown stronger in some areas.


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## samyeagar

badcompany said:


> I've stumbled upon the same thing I think, but just in the beginning....meeting her for the 1st time this weekend after 150+ messages and some phone convo's. Almost identical situations we both think our spouses were BPD.
> Indy, I'm curious, google the "16 personality types test", take it and report back. Many roll their eyes at this stuff but the summary page that came up after I completed the test was frighteningly accurate.


Ok...so you, Indy, and I are kind of in the same situation, though my ex wife is diagnosed NPD. My STBW's ex was also NPD, so we are both very good at giving and giving. THe thing is, when that giving is returned, it creates such an amazing positive feedback loop. We both put so much into our marriages, and now giving to each other is effortless because it is returned ten fold. We have been together for a year and a half and things continue to grow stronger and stronger.


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## badcompany

Bingo
It sucks, but at the same time what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
I'm an ENFJ (barely E), which is a good but rare type and DOESN'T take criticism well. Since her BPD really came on after we had kids there is a reason we weren't getting along at all, her constant criticism and never enough attitude just stomped my fire out. 
Knowing what I know now, I have a good idea that finding someone that has been thru the same thing is going to result in a mind blowing relationship...that positive feedback loop of giving.
My only phobia I have moving forward is having kids with another woman, that possibility to have her develop BPD too. Being I'm almost 38 I think a single mom that is "done" would probably be a better choice.


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## Openminded

Jellybeans said:


> I will never understand how people can do this.


The back story is that I told him eighteen months ago I would be getting a divorce this year because of his second round of cheating with the same AP from thirty years ago. He immediately created a dating profile and within a few months met his now-wife. He couldn't handle the idea of being alone is my guess why that happened.


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## samyeagar

Your personality type: INFJ.

Strength of individual traits: Introversion - 22%, Intuition - 11%, Feeling - 4%, Judging - 13%

Very rare type less than 1%. The description is pretty much spot on for me.


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## ne9907

Your personality type: INFJ.

Strength of individual traits: Introversion - 22%, Intuition - 49%, Feeling - 18%, Judging - 2%.

The INFJ type is believed to be very rare (less than 1 percent of the population) and it has an unusual set of traits. Even though their presence can be described as very quiet, INFJ personalities usually have many strong opinions, especially when it comes to issues they consider really important in life. If an INFJ is fighting for something, this is because they believe in the idea itself, not because of some selfish reasons.

Ha!! Samyeager
we are the same!!!


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## samyeagar

ne9907 said:


> Your personality type: INFJ.
> 
> Strength of individual traits: Introversion - 22%, Intuition - 49%, Feeling - 18%, Judging - 2%.
> 
> The INFJ type is believed to be very rare (less than 1 percent of the population) and it has an unusual set of traits. Even though their presence can be described as very quiet, INFJ personalities usually have many strong opinions, especially when it comes to issues they consider really important in life. If an INFJ is fighting for something, this is because they believe in the idea itself, not because of some selfish reasons.
> 
> Ha!! Samyeager
> we are the same!!!


We are rare breeds we are  I think this explains why I always felt like I knew what was going on with my ex wife, the only problem was not knowing how to escape.


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## lenzi

IndyTMI said:


> I disagree...we are all different. Of the relationships I have been in, none have compared to what I have and am in now.
> 
> You don't know what we have, so for you to say what you did is the same as judging a book by its cover...it's opinion and usually off by a very large degree.


Nah, it's simple human behavior and relationship dynamics. Nothing more.

You can't possibly know someone that well in a couple of short months. 

You're in the honeymoon stage. The sparks are flying, the excitement is high, the emotions and hormones are raging. You see only the good and none of the bad. 

The real stuff takes at least 6 months to start showing up.

And you're right, I don't know what you have. But neither do you.


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## IndyTMI

lenzi said:


> Nah, it's simple human behavior and relationship dynamics. Nothing more.
> 
> You can't possibly know someone that well in a couple of short months.
> 
> You're in the honeymoon stage. The sparks are flying, the excitement is high, the emotions and hormones are raging. You see only the good and none of the bad.
> 
> The real stuff takes at least 6 months to start showing up.
> 
> And you're right, I don't know what you have. But neither do you.


Human behavior and relationship dynamics are so broad, there are a wide variety of flavors amongst the human race, so what is in your comfort zone for a lasting relationship is completely different than mine.

You speak from opinion and not facts, so what you are spewing is only from your point of view, not mine. You set the terms on when a relationship is sound, just as I set it for mine. Your six month baseline is relative to the amount of time spent together during that period, so that is such a generalization that it does not apply to every relationship, which is exactly why you are wrong about my situation.

Perhaps if I were to have met a different woman, then your opinion may in fact be more accurate, but I can tell you that you are way off base with what it is I have with my SO.
You can give your opinion about what you think, but you are wrong in my case.


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## Jellybeans

Where is this personality test?


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## samyeagar

Jellybeans said:


> Where is this personality test?


Free personality test, type descriptions, relationship and career advice | 16 Personality Types


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## Jellybeans

Thanks, Sam.

I scored INFJ. Apparently I scored high with feelings and introversion. Sounds about right. Lol.


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## samyeagar

Jellybeans said:


> Thanks, Sam.
> 
> I scored INFJ. Apparently I scored high with feelings and introversion. Sounds about right. Lol.


Same as me. Now...there are three of us on this thread, myself and two women who are that type, considered the rarest of types at 1<X>2% of the population. I wonder why that is? Statistically, there shouldn't be any of that type on this thread, or maybe one at the most.

Could it be that our type is more likely to actively search out places like this site? Actively trying to work on our relationships? Learn?


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## Jellybeans

samyeagar said:


> Same as me. Now...there are three of us on this thread, myself and two women who are that type, considered the rarest of types at 1<X>2% of the population. I wonder why that is? *Statistically, there shouldn't be any of that type on this thread, or maybe one at the most.*


Ha! I thought the same thing -- we are the rarest yet several of us scored it. The description on tat site about the personality is very much me!

On that question: "Enjoy being the center of attention" I put "Completely disagree." I loathe being the center of attention. Scares me.


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## samyeagar

Jellybeans said:


> Ha! I thought the same thing -- we are the rarest yet several of us scored it. The description on tat site about the personality is very much me!
> 
> On that question: "Enjoy being the center of attention" I put "Completely disagree." I loathe being the center of attention. Scares me.


It was very much spot on for me as well. There were some important differences, but the more I thought about it, the places I differ are areas I have made conscious efforts to differ.

In my marriage, the last several years before divorce, I had completely emotionally withdrawn as a defense mechanism against my NPD then wife. The natural tendency for someone with this personality type. Coming out of that relationship, I had to make a conscious effort, and still do to keep from withdrawing during conflict. I made a promise to my STBW that I would not compartimentalize and internalize my feelings. THat is not to say that I am just going to have streams of consciousnes and let it all out unfiltered. I will take the time to process be it internally or externally, but I will always share. I have a feeling that is something I will struggle with for the rest of my life.


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## ne9907

Jellybeans said:


> Thanks, Sam.
> 
> I scored INFJ. Apparently I scored high with feelings and introversion. Sounds about right. Lol.


:smthumbup:

That is me too, I scored highest on intuition!


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## badcompany

samyeagar said:


> Same as me. Now...there are three of us on this thread, myself and two women who are that type, considered the rarest of types at 1<X>2% of the population. I wonder why that is? Statistically, there shouldn't be any of that type on this thread, or maybe one at the most.
> 
> Could it be that our type is more likely to actively search out places like this site? Actively trying to work on our relationships? Learn?


Sammy, it may be. I'm an ENFJ, the E is only by a few % so it's close to INFJ. Looking at the characteristics I think another __FJ is what I want in a partner.
The __FJ types also have a narrower range of best partners as far as personality types so maybe more of us are here due to incompatibility issues.


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## Jellybeans

Who are our best partners? (Supposedly)?


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## samyeagar

Jellybeans said:


> Who are our best partners? (Supposedly)?


Preferred partners: ENFP and ENTP types, as their EP traits compensate the introvert and judgemental tendencies of INFJs. INTJs are also a very strong match as the intuitive connection between INFJ and INTJ is likely to be instantaneous.

INFJ relationships and dating | 16 Personality Types

STBW is ISFP...


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## Jellybeans

Ooh now I want to meet an INTJ. An intuitive connection sounds SEXY! Hahaha.


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## badcompany

Jellybeans said:


> Ha! I thought the same thing -- we are the rarest yet several of us scored it. The description on tat site about the personality is very much me!
> 
> On that question: "Enjoy being the center of attention" I put "Completely disagree." I loathe being the center of attention. Scares me.


It's amazing isn't it? I was like "whatever" about this personality type stuff until the summary paragraph came up 
Stbxw won't even take the test.....


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## Shooboomafoo

Hmm.. I scored a GTFO... : ( (sad)


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## Shooboomafoo

Your personality type: ESFP.

Strength of individual traits: Extraversion - 11%, Sensing - 11%, Feeling - 40%, Prospecting - 4%.


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## badcompany

badcompany said:


> I've stumbled upon the same thing I think, but just in the beginning....meeting her for the 1st time this weekend after 150+ messages and some phone convo's. Almost identical situations we both think our spouses were BPD.


Fack, got her "dear john" letter this afternoon, 2nd runner up


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## brokenbythis

Jellybeans said:


> I will never understand how people can do this.


Absolute desperation and extreme fear of being alone


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