# Am I being disrespectful?



## dontwanttobeme (Feb 24, 2009)

I'm writing to find out if what I'm going through is normal or if I am overreacting.

My husband is driving me nuts. He works from home and we ARE going through a tremendously difficult time.
We moved to a new state 6 months ago. The first house we moved into developed mold problems. We were leasing and the owner said we could find a new place. The place we found was newly renovated. We were first to live in it -- and there was no hot water and then sewage came falling from the ceiling. The city shut down the house and we are now in a lawsuit with the landlord for return of our funds. We were locked out of our home because of all of this drama and crammed into temporary housing and we had very little. I hired an attorney and she helped us get our stuff. But that meant we did not have our computers -- wifi. My husband's business depends on this... I also work full time (but outside of the home) I did my best to have my husband come to my work for wifi when I could and set up a sitter for our child...so he could get some peace and quiet.

So we just had to move AGAIN this past weekend. I found the new house....but wifi isn't hooked up yet. It will be tomorrow. My husband has projects due. He went to starbucks today to use wifi. He kept calling me and texting me (while I'm at work) complaining that the wifi is overloaded...that the guy next to him smells like smoke.... that he can't stand the music at starbucks. He is so so negative. Trust me I am having a hard time TOO. I am now unpacking an entire house by myself....because my husband is "busy". If he's not working on work related stuff he's listening with his earbuds to football. 

Our son (he's 8) asked me if Daddy could stop watching him in the afternoon...(he works from home and picks him up at school and is supposed to be watching him after) ...until I come home for dinner. 

I asked why and he said that he's always mean and angry. That he never wants to spend time with him and that he wants me to stay home with him...because I'm not mean like Dad.

We have all been through a TON the last few months and it's been stressful. But, now I don't know how to find happiness. I must admit we weren't "happy" before....but now we are just miserable. 

My husband is always glass half empty. it's his nature. But, I wasn't aware it was impacting our son so much. I'm thinking first step is to hire a nanny for our son -- part time. 

And my husband may need to stop working for himself (he is not managing it well in the first 6 months working as his own boss). I just don't want to be unsupportive - but his constant calls and complaints are really wearing on me. I can't take anymore. I have told him this and he continues.

He literally sent me a video of the sewage coming from the ceiling while he Knew I was in a meeting at work. He has no respect for my feelings - and that I would obviously be scared and concerned when I see those types of things. Am I uncaring here?


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## Cimerian (Jan 13, 2014)

Sounds like you guys are going through some unbelievably bad times through no fault of your own. It seems you guys are going through so much that every single little thing seems like just another pile of crap being thrown on top. Literally when everything is going really bad like this something extremely small can send you over the edge. It can also make you snap at small kids who do not understand as well. The sooner you can get your housing situation fixed the faster things will get better. Wow talk about an unbelievably horrible chain of events.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

dontwanttobeme said:


> I have told him this and he continues.


Looks like you've been "telling him" for about 5 yeas now. And he "continues" still. You "tell him" again, he does nothing, again. So you "tell him" again, he does nothing again.

Hmmm.... I sense a pattern, but I can't put my finger on it. I mean you've "told him", so he undoubtedly knows the situation, yet he does nothing to change.

That's a tough one. I guess I'll say just "tell him" again. Maybe this time he'll hear you.

What is it with these men? You tell them, and tell them, and tell them until you're blue in the face. And they don't change. I mean, how many times can you "tell them" before they hear you? And it's not just you. I've read hundreds of threads that are exactly the same. And I don't know what we can do to change it.

And it's too bad. Because you get to the point of no return and you leave them/file for divorce and THEN suddenly they want to change/go to counseling/stop being a-holes. It's almost like you have to crush their world before they get it. Freakin' idiots.

But I just don't see a solution. Sorry.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

How do you think your H will react if you tell him what your son has said about not wanting to be with him when he comes home from school. 

If you feel H will be defensive maybe you can soften things by saying that you may both have been treating your son somewhat differently than would otherwise have been the case if you were not both under so much stress.

If he can take that on board, maybe then you could write him a note about how you feel the stress is impacting the relationship and suggest some positive things you can do to make a dent in the stress. Even if its only commiting to spending 30 minutes together a few times a week where you just give each other your undivided attention and do something nice - just sit and hold hands or whatever. Don't even have to talk. 

Also do you both take time out together to some spend quality time with your son - I bet son would like that.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

And in what way do you feel you were being disrespectful? Did he say you were disrespectful or is this just a question you are asking yourself? 

I myself didn't notice anything disrespect in your post above.


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## dontwanttobeme (Feb 24, 2009)

No he didn't call me disrespectful... But I got the sense he thought I was careless. 

I'm not. But I just can't take much more. I work a full time job and then some... And I'm stuck trying to unpack an entire house, change utilities, mail etc. all by myself. 

I'm thinking of hiring help through this even though we can't afford that. But I can't function without things like clothes. Shoes and food. He hasn't opened a single box. 

Tonight I came home from work and he hasn't done any work ( albeit only on 3G) and hasn't helped do a darn thing with the house. 

All he's done is complain.  




Advocado said:


> And in what way do you feel you were being disrespectful? Did he say you were disrespectful or is this just a question you are asking yourself?
> 
> I myself didn't notice anything disrespect in your post above.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Are there any after school programs that your son can participate in that would keep him out of the house until you get home?

Your husband can go to a library for internet. 

Don't answer your phone when you're in meetings. Turn off the ringer until you are available. If he calls to complain, tell him you will have time to listen when you get home, and oh, can he open a few boxes in the meantime? 

At the end of the day, you can only change yourself. Let his complaints about everything roll off your back - don't take them in. It makes him feel better to complain but you don't have to take on the negativity. 

With the wifi coming soon, maybe he'll do better with his business and things will calm down a little. The extra money can go to hiring someone to help out at home since he's the kind of guy who won't lift a finger.

At some point, you have to consider whether you want to take a firmer stand by telling him that your marriage is in trouble and that you need to consider marriage counseling.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Based strictly on what you've written so far, dwtbm, it sounds like your husband sees you as his "go to" person that he automatically turns to. It's an honor to be loved and valued so much! 

On the other hand, it sounds like you feel pressured to take action and pay immediate attention - even if his message comes in at an inconvenient time. Is this pressure that HE puts on you, or are you putting this pressure on yourself because of a belief - like "I need to be responsive to my husband?" 

I sense a bit of role reversal going on, too, and it seems to be affecting your perception of him as a man. Maybe it's a good thing that he's not cut out for watching your son! 

All the problems you guys have endured recently would be enough to stress anybody! It's no wonder he's being negative, and I imagine that if you're honest with yourself, you'd discover that you've also been pretty negative. Are you setting aside time and doing things with each other to have fun? "Fun" is a pretty terrific glue for keeping relationships strong. Seriously, the unpacking can be postponed for a couple hours!


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Advocado said:


> maybe then you could write him a note about how you feel the stress is impacting the relationship and suggest some positive things you can do to make a dent in the stress.





norajane said:


> take a firmer stand by telling him that your marriage is in trouble and that you need to consider marriage counseling.


OK. Good. All us chicks are in agreement that "telling him" again just may do it this time. My one piece of advice: add that you really, really, really, really, really, REALLY mean it this time. That will surely get to him and see that he has a problem.



KathyBatesel said:


> All the problems you guys have endured recently would be enough to stress anybody!


Recently? Nobody expects you to go back and read her history of posts, but when I've done it for you? There is no "recently" about this situation.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

MrK said:


> OK. Good. All us chicks are in agreement that "telling him" again just may do it this time. My one piece of advice: add that you really, really, really, really, really, REALLY mean it this time. That will surely get to him and see that he has a problem.


And your point is? Get him into anger management classes so he stops being mean to their son? Get him to a life coach so he can learn how to work during the day without calling her every 5 minutes? Send him back to his parents so they can teach him how to set up new utilities and unpack the boxes from their move? 

Tell her to leave him so she can become one of those "walkaway wives" he can come to TAM to write about and say everything was wonderful but she just left anyway and now he only gets to see his son on weekends?


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

He has to know he's losing her. He doesn't right now. And if she doesn't let him know soon, it will be too late. Probably already is. Telling hasn't worked for 5 years. What makes you think it will now?

How does she make it clear that he's losing her? I don't know. But if I figure it out you'll read it in my best selling book. My revelation came when I figured out my wife was gone, never to return. But it was too late by then. It usually is, hence that paragraph in one of my above posts. 

And she's already a walk-away. That's one reason the term never caught on. "Walk-away" is what you do BEFORE you physically leave. Once you leave you're just gone. Nobody ever really got that. My wife had been checked out of my marriage for 10-15 years before I ever figured it out. I AMAZINGLY believed I had one of the best marriages in the world, but she secretly hated me the whole time. And if you don't think it happens A LOT, you need to start reading this forum from a different perspective.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

MrK said:


> ..... Telling hasn't worked for 5 years. *What makes you think it will now?*
> 
> By her consciously carving out quality time together as a couple and as a family, which I suggested in my first post above, subsequently he might be more open to her explaining to him what her issues are. He might be more inclined to actually listen and take on board what she is saying.
> 
> ... "Walk-away" is what you do BEFORE you physically leave. Once you leave you're just gone. ...This is noteworthy.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

There's too much resentment built up in her to start carving out anything. That ship sailed three or four years ago. Am I right OP? It's kick in the gut time. One quick, clean shot. No effort needed on her part. Gets the message across loud and clear to him. Badda-bing, badda-boom. Done.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

MrK said:


> There's too much resentment built up in her to start carving out anything. That ship sailed three or four years ago. Am I right OP? It's kick in the gut time. One quick, clean shot. No effort needed on her part. Gets the message across loud and clear to him. Badda-bing, badda-boom. Done.


Are you saying OP should give her H an ultimatum?


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## tryingtodoitright (Jan 14, 2014)

KathyBatesel said:


> _Based strictly on what you've written so far, dwtbm, it sounds like your husband sees you as his "go to" person that he automatically turns to. It's an honor to be loved and valued so much!
> 
> On the other hand, it sounds like you feel pressured to take action and pay immediate attention - even if his message comes in at an inconvenient time. Is this pressure that HE puts on you, or are you putting this pressure on yourself because of a belief - like "I need to be responsive to my husband?" _


this is brilliant advice. kathy's right in that it's good that he communicates. that being said, maybe if you manage his expectations of response times, he'll be less likely to either expect a quick response or maybe even stop peppering you all day long with messages? 

maybe you could suggest a time at night where you can sit together, commiserate and hopefully laugh over it all. good luck.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

MrK, I answered just off the OP, but after seeing your response I looked for where you provided her history and didn't see it. I am confused....


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Advocado said:


> Are you saying OP should give her H an ultimatum?


I used to think it was necessary. And by "ultimatum", I don't mean an ultimatum that is "told" to him. See all of my posts above re: the futility of "telling him" anything. Any "ultimatum" needs to include a suitcase, a "goodby, sorry it didn't work out", and possibly divorce papers. A kick in the gut. 

But I was in another thread and we were discussing the 180. A woman came on talking about how she didn't do it deliberately, but it turns out she just did the 180 on her own. She gave up. She walked-away, pretty much. She did it in such a way that she thinks her husband realized he was losing her and he came around.

Again in an entirely different thread, a man was all up in my face about my kick in the gut strategy. He claimed to have turned around w/o an "ultimatum". Sure enough, I went back to his old threads and a poster asked him how he realized he needed to change. He made a really dramatic response of:

"I realized I was losing her".

BAM. MrK kick in the gut strategy remains at 100%. I've just accepted there are different ways men can receive that kick. If I could list them, I'd be rich selling books and giving seminars.

You show me a woman who says my husband is a total a.s.s, I've told him "until I'm blue in the face" that if he doesn't stop being an a.s.s I'm leaving, but he is still an a.s.s and she's still there there in a miserable relationship...I show yo a man that has NO CLUE he's about to lose his wife. 

And I've read HUNDREDS of threads just like that. Just like this one. Just like mine. And until you gals can wrap your minds around the fact that something as bizarre as that can really happen, we'll continue to need websites just like this one and we'll keep making divorce attorneys rich.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

He needs to know how dire the situation is right now. He needs to know he's lost her. I can GUARANTEE you he doesn't. It's not even close. This one is textbook.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

KathyBatesel said:


> MrK, I answered just off the OP, but after seeing your response I looked for where you provided her history and didn't see it. I am confused....


I summed up her history with the fact that her 1st post on this EXACT same issue was April 2009. She's been asking the same question for 5 years. It's not recent. That's all I was saying.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I see. Thanks for clarifying. 

I think an ultimatum is MUCH more effective when it is NOT done using words!


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## dontwanttobeme (Feb 24, 2009)

I appreciate the feedback I've gotten here. 

I must admit I think I need to go to a therapist. I don't believe my marriage is normal, but I need to get feedback. 

The anger from our tough ordeals seems to be consistent. One of our landlords offered a small settlement and I wanted to take it. My husband does not. He is just so negative. 

The other landlord is trying to sue us and has no basis. My husband is so negative and consumed by this energy.,, he has hired an attorney and already spent 6k in 2 weeks of legal emails and text messages. He just can't stop himself. 

It's really not pretty... He's so angry. That's all he talks about with casual friends and even strangers. 

I find myself trapped in it and I can't continue this way. 

He says that I'm wrong for allowing this to pass by...

We had date night last fri. Dinner. Drinks. Negativity. No physical. Just constant complaints. 





tryingtodoitright said:


> this is brilliant advice. kathy's right in that it's good that he communicates. that being said, maybe if you manage his expectations of response times, he'll be less likely to either expect a quick response or maybe even stop peppering you all day long with messages?
> 
> maybe you could suggest a time at night where you can sit together, commiserate and hopefully laugh over it all. good luck.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dontwanttobeme (Feb 24, 2009)

]I appreciate the feedback I've gotten here. 

I must admit I think I need to go to a therapist. I don't believe my marriage is normal, but I need to get feedback. 

The anger from our tough ordeals seems to be consistent. One of our landlords offered a small settlement and I wanted to take it. My husband does not. He is just so negative. 

The other landlord is trying to sue us and has no basis. My husband is so negative and consumed by this energy.,, he has hired an attorney and already spent 6k in 2 weeks of legal emails and text messages. He just can't stop himself. 

It's really not pretty... He's so angry. That's all he talks about with casual friends and even strangers. 

I find myself trapped in it and I can't continue this way. For example.... Today. He spent most of the morning/afternoon working on a work project from home. My son and I had repeatedly asked him to come outside with us. He didn't. Said he couldn't becAuse of allergies. So tonight I'm tired .. Watching tv with our son. I'm falling asleep on the couch and he decides that he wants. Fire outside. So he takes off outside with our son. I said it was too cold and he just left me. So he and our son went outside and did a fire without me. 

It's just his way or the highway. 

We had date night last fri. Dinner. Drinks. Negativity. No physical. Just constant complaints. 




_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dontwanttobeme (Feb 24, 2009)

All he wants to do... Is fight this with lawsuits. 

Would you support that?



dontwanttobeme said:


> ]I appreciate the feedback I've gotten here.
> 
> I must admit I think I need to go to a therapist. I don't believe my marriage is normal, but I need to get feedback.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

dontwanttobeme said:


> All he wants to do... Is fight this with lawsuits.
> 
> Would you support that?
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is very difficult to answer this question without knowing the exact details. Without knowing more, I could think "he's just a guy who holds grudges for no reason" and I could also think "she's someone passive who doesn't like conflict, even when she's getting screwed over." I really can't tell here. 

I can tell you that litigation generally is a difficult way to solve a problem, so it's important to look at the cost/benefit. If you're really spending 6K already on legal bills, I hope the potential recovery is a LOT more than 6K, otherwise it's a no brainer that you settle or drop it.

As far as your marriage, it's also difficult to separate out what here is the stress of unusually bad times and what's just your relationship. I think counselling is a good idea, but I would not make any final decisions about your marriage in the midst of this ordeal. Let the dust settle a bit and then see how you feel.


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## dontwanttobeme (Feb 24, 2009)

Thank you.. I'm grateful. 

I'm just scared. It's very difficult right now. All he wants to do is sue and poke the bear.. So to speak. We did NOTHING wrong, but it would be a huge legal fight to prove that. I don't think at this point that we'd get more than our current legal fees. 

The attorney is dragging her feet and I do feel as if she is eating up time. We don't have money to play with. But my husband insists on a huge lawsuit because in our state the prevailing party has to pay legal fees. But this could be 10s of thousands in fees by the time it gets to court. 

Interestingly enough this owner is nuts. Her child is at our son school and she approached him at his school and wanted to know his new address etc. it freaked me out. I called the principal and I wanted to change his school or file a restraining order. The school would be catholic and now my husband is against that... Saying our son has moved around too much. That I agree on... But I want our son safe and pressing a lawsuit is not going to make this go away.



[


John Lee said:


> It is very difficult to answer this question without knowing the exact details. Without knowing more, I could think "he's just a guy who holds grudges for no reason" and I could also think "she's someone passive who doesn't like conflict, even when she's getting screwed over." I really can't tell here.
> 
> I can tell you that litigation generally is a difficult way to solve a problem, so it's important to look at the cost/benefit. If you're really spending 6K already on legal bills, I hope the potential recovery is a LOT more than 6K, otherwise it's a no brainer that you settle or drop it.
> 
> As far as your marriage, it's also difficult to separate out what here is the stress of unusually bad times and what's just your relationship. I think counselling is a good idea, but I would not make any final decisions about your marriage in the midst of this ordeal. Let the dust settle a bit and then see how you feel.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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