# extremely horrible night



## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

i had the worst night tonight with my husband, worse than it's been in a while... i am upset... as usual it started as something small that he got angry at, i said please have patience and talk this out with me, it's not worth a fight. It escalated into him doing the usual of bringing up irrelevant things that have nothing to do with the issue at hand, and those things are preying on my weaknesses, listing everyone. It's just bullying. It leaves me feeling completely dehumanized. Of course i start crying, but still tried to deflect by saying if you are just going to be nasty then please leave me alone because i just can't handle this anymore. To which he still ranted for another 10 minutes saying such hurtful things... then stormed out. I texted him and said please if you want to talk about the actual issue i will talk about it with you, please try for your marriage tonight. No response.

I cried for like an hour on my bed. The type of cry that comes from an immense pain rather than sadness. I am usually such a happy and positive person, someone who can be in the moment of something good and enjoy it even though other things could be wrong in my life. But he is somehow able to leave me weak and depressed in moments like these. I just don't know how to occupy my time when i plan on neutrally being with my husband for the day, and it always turns into this. Me alone again... waiting till i calm down so i can force myself to make dinner for one. Waiting until i am able to go to bed and sleep awhile, and looking forward to my boring job to distract me for a few measly hours.

Why is it that now that I've finally made the appointment for marriage counseling that the days are draggggggggggging on?! He made references again tonight about wanting me to pack up and leave... is this really worth it? Then he'll tell me after a few days of the silent treatment that he didn't really mean it, that he does really love me. It's confusing. I don't even know how to make it emotionally until our appointment... I wish counselors were the type of people that you could call and any time to discuss an active problem... I know I'm new here, and i appreciate a place where i can actually vent about things like this. Could i get some words of wisdom? Or even random conversation. I need some chatter to keep my mind off things for a while...


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Time to start figuring out what you CAN do. Whether it's in spite of him or whatever. 

Start planning....in your mind at first.... about what to do to improve your life. Marriage counseling is a good start. But think about improving other aspects of your life too. Like work... either take some classes to make your job better, or find another job that you ENJOY. It's an awesome life when you love your job! 

Also.... find a hobby, do something you LOVE. 

Be strong and figure out how to make things better for you... with or without him!


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I have an idea of how you feel. I've had nights where I've felt so full of pain that it was physical, completely unable to sleep, to do anything else but endure the whirlpool of thoughts that won't stop. You have a need to come to some sort of resolution, but he's basically run away, become unavailable and you're left reeling.

I can only suggest you write it out in a private journal. You've written some here, but get the rest of it out. After that, try to use any methods you know for calming yourself, yoga/meditation etc. 

You really need a plan for how to deal with silent treatment other than just accepting it. You are a complete person. If this is not the life you want to live, you can change it. We have a finite time on this earth and we don't have to live it in pain. Choose. If he loves you, he will work to improve your methods of communication, but I think you need to show him that there are limits to the treatment you are willing to live with.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

sad thing is I did complete my degree recently. It really kept my mind occupied, I was always stressed with having to write huge research papers and study for exams, and of course was great intellectual stimulation as well. It kept me busy. I live in a small town so jobs are hard to come by, so this job will have to suffice for now. I don't hate it, but it's terribly boring. I'm not sure how to improve myself in that avenue right now... the accomplished feeling of graduating has barely worn off! All I can think about is how I want to improve my marriage sadly... it's a vicious cycle.

You are so right about only getting one life to live, I've felt a little like I've "wasted" a lot of my time being sad and in what feels at times like a hopeless marriage. I don't want that. I know I have my own fault in this and am not perfect either, but a part of me is eager for someone else besides me to tell my husband that what he says is not ok to do. It's gone beyond "I said it once or twice in anger and regret it" to a full on conscious decision to say the things he does.

An odd side effect is the longer this has gone on over the last year or so, the less aggressive I get back at him. I don't know if that's because I've necessarily become calmer, but rather I am so exhausted from the anger. I try to rationally talk to him in the moment and help him to calm down by saying please be patient, please stay on topic, theres no need to call names, but it seems to do nothing. It's funny, whether I blow up back at him or I try to be the cool headed person, his reaction and choices are the same. That is sort of perplexing. I don't know how to win with him.

I feel calmer now. But still so very much lonely and bored. I've planned a trip to see some of my friends in my old home state this summer, while I'm excited it seems still a long time away... I feel like I have nothing else to look forward to before then. Except for maybe what counseling can do for us. Why does my husband seem so content with running off and leaving me alone upset? I wish he wanted to stay and work things out with me after a small window of a cool down period... not days, or sometimes weeks.


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## Mortie (Dec 19, 2013)

I am getting the feeling that he's abusive and controlling. I may be just reading between the lines. Can you continue to live this way? Are the events escalating? If so, you may need to prepare for an exit. Do you have any children? Most importantly, protect yourself and your kids.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

yes, things have gotten progressively worse over the last year or so. Of course in my eyes I do feel he is controlling and emotionally abusive, but I know I have a part to play in the fault in our relationship as well, I just don't know how large of a part. I am eager to see what the counselor says. One close friend knows of my situation with my husband, and she seems to think he is the main issue, but that could be a bias because I am her friend. I feel the same way, but of course I'd be biased to myself... all I know is that for a while now I have been reacting different to his outbursts, basically not freaking out back and/or calming down faster. It doesn't make a lick of difference. I do not have children. I have thought of some hypothetical exit plans, but it scares me as I really hope it doesn't come to that...


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Adeline,

Welcome to the world of being married to a Passive Aggressive.

Your husband is pulling all the punches, yet, at the same time making it seem like he's not at all at fault.

There's no way of changing this. Sadly.

I was one myself.

It has to come from within him. Like it did for me.

So....you have a decision to make.

Do you want to stay married to a child who never got past this mode of emotional sabotage, or do you want to be the person you know you are and find someone normal?

I broke my ex wife with this mindset I was in. She had to go on meds to feel normal. We are the masters of psychological manipulation. And we will break you down, piece by piece, until you forget who you are, and who you were.

Well...I found my peace. But it took some drastic life incidents. 

You? Well, your husband won't change until he experiences his own. Maybe in the sense that you are leaving him. It's different for everyone.

This won't change...I can guarantee that. Not unless he wishes it.


In my opinion? My ex should have left years before she did. It would have been much less stress on her mind than what I put her through.


Seriously....you can find a more "stable" mate that's more compatible.

I'm not one for divorce, or separation....but sometimes that's what you have to do to find your peace. Trust me....we can suck you in to 30 or more years of second guessing your relationship and your own psychology.......

That's what we do.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I may be off, but if conversations between you and your husband typically escalate like this...then he may be accustomed to that and was already on the defensive...getting ammo ready. 

My wife and I had done the "dance of death" for a long time, where our discussions quickly led to "you did THIS" "o yeah? well, you did THAT." Warring where neither one accepted blame nor listened. When I tried to quit that pattern, it was very difficult to reach my wife when she was still thinking I wanted to throw down with her...your husband may be reacting like that. Just a guess.

It's hard to try to communicate differently with your spouse, especially if one is in the mindset that an argument or serious confrontation is going to go down. I have to admit, I started fights with my wife at times because I assumed that she was going to criticize me over something and my body tenses up, my voice gets tighter...I am already convinced I am going to be attacked...and then I had to later apologize for getting so ramped up when I didn't even give her a chance to say what she had to say. So like I said, it is hard to communicate differently with your spouse, but you MUST learn how.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

wow! thank you both for your wisdom and personal anecdotes. Both perspectives have me deep in thought. 

alphaomega- I've definitely thought of him along the same lines as you described. I know that there must be something that he is struggling with that is separate from our marriage. I just don't know what. He didn't always used to be like this. It just makes me wonder, would he be like this regardless of who he married? If he found someone who catered to him better, would he end up treating them the same as me, or would he be able to have a "normal" relationship with them? Sometimes I don't know if he is broken, our marriage is broken, or if we're collectively broken. 

FormerSelf- I suspect that is part of his thinking as well. He feels as though he has to be always on the defensive. But how long will it take before he sees that he doesn't have to be? Especially when I am trying to remain calm and make him think rationally. Not fighting back makes me feel like more of a victim honestly... especially because he just keeps at it.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Adeline said:


> FormerSelf- I suspect that is part of his thinking as well. He feels as though he has to be always on the defensive. But how long will it take before he sees that he doesn't have to be? Especially when I am trying to remain calm and make him think rationally. Not fighting back makes me feel like more of a victim honestly... especially because he just keeps at it.


It may be part of you issues...but if he is one to be passive/aggressive then putting a stop to it may be problematic...as passive/aggressives just naturally try to create scenarios of chaos or sabotage where YOU lose your cool and THEY can be the victim.

I don't know your whole scenario, but if you try to address him, and he flips out...then just keep you calm, say "You know, I am going to wait until you cool off before we go any further." If he persists then just remove yourself. 

In basic confrontation training, they say that the best way to deal with someone who is losing their cool is to set boundaries : "I am NOT talking with you if you plan on continuing to yell at me"....and then remove yourself. Then you wait until they cool off and they show remorse...and are willing to stick to the issue at hand. 

What you don't want to do is try to escalate the situation by firing back at him...then what happens is that you end up saying something you regret, the TRUE issue gets all muddled, you feel guilty for losing your cool, and if he is passive aggressive, in his mind, he won because he was "victimized" by your behavior. No, you keep it all on him, by being cool, being calm, and if things escalate, remain cool and calm, but set boundaries of what you will or won't put up with...and be directive about what IS acceptable forms of communicating with you. 

This doesn't mean you have to be a parent, but you are delineating for yourself how you expect to be respected...and you also show interest and perhaps demonstrate to husband that you want to offer him respect too. After having built some success in CONSISTENCY of doing this every time there is conflict...one would expect to see the hackles come down from both sides. If there is some sort of personality disorder at play...then that may be a challenge.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Adeline

If he found someone better? No....it wouldn't be any different.

Why? Because the first time he got into a situation of opposition with his woman, he would pull the same punches.


I got my passive aggressiveness frommy drunk parents. I couldn't openly oppose them, because then I would get beaten. So I devised a plan of opposing them without really them knowing I opposed them.


It's awesome! When your trying to survive growing up.

Not so awesome in a relationship.


I'm not sure if your relationship is broken. But you are broken. It's what we do.

My advise? Ignore his comments. Ignore him when he gets like that. It will be hard. But just do it. You have to remember who you are, inside. Be who you are. And ignore what he says.

Remember....you are you! Don't change that, for anything, That's what makes you.....you. 

Psychologically. You will fell better.


Relationship wise. He either gets on board or he doesn't. 

Don't ever forget obaout you! Most important!


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

thank you both again. He tried coming to talk to me about it again last night, which at first I was a smidge hopeful. But he just rehashed the earlier nastiness. And like always, insists that he is "putting in effort" by sacrificing his sleep to come and talk to me again. Maybe this is wrong, but I always tell him that it's not really good effort to "swallow your pride" and come talk to me if you are just going to be saying the same nonsense and mean spirited things that you had already done earlier. I don't think he gets that...


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

You are in absolute denial OP.

You think he does this because he has to be defensive? Look, there are plenty of spouses that are defensive. Hell, there are more than you think; however, there is always a line you do not cross.

And that line is name calling, threatening divorce, playing the quiet game, storming out the house, and blames sacrificing his sleep to talk it out. Your H is not defensive. He is a loser. He is controlling. He is mentally abusive. Your H has no business being in a relationship because he can't communicate without acting like a high school kid. 

Do yourself a favor and kick this guy to the curb. Move on with your life and find a man who will not belittle you every time there is a disagreement.

You really want to shake your H up next time? YOU leave after your next agreement/name calling and do not come back. He will be crying and trying every trick in the book to get you back to him. It's the same cycle that every woman in your position goes through. Stop being another statistic.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

hmmm, you're right, but it just did kind of seem to make sense when someone suggested earlier that he has "learned" to be defensive as I have plenty of times actively argued back with him. I'm just really looking forward to our first counseling appointment as I an curious what an outside perspective will think in regards to not only my husband's behavior, but also how much of a part I play in this. I know it is at least a small part, maybe more. 

I guess I put up with it because 1. he hasn't always been this way and 2. we've been together for several years. If he was like this from the beginning or early on, no way would I have stayed. It's a complete change in him the last 2 years. I just want things to go back to the way things were. If counseling does not improve this and it continues this way, I will have to consider leaving him. A scary thought.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

We all just are really winging it here, based on given info and past experience...the best way to get a more precise explanation of your issues is through someone who can observe how you two actually interact with each other.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

FormerSelf said:


> We all just are really winging it here, based on given info and past experience...the best way to get a more precise explanation of your issues is through someone who can observe how you two actually interact with each other.


oh, I know! I'm not putting any pressure on y'all to create miracles for me haha I appreciate any sort of input. And when several people have different perspectives I actually like that, as it makes me look at things from different angles. I think there is some truth in each post here.


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## bild-a-loco (Jan 22, 2014)

I have a co-worker who's like this and will openly talk about it at work and actually seems pleased with having his wife upset all the time - he's a Class A jerk and is pleased that she keeps forgiving him and taking him back, all the while, he knows what hell she's going through. Some guys are just wired up VERY strange and I'll never understand that crazy attitude. 

Odds are, he will never change. Save yourself, you deserve a whole lot better and you can easily find a whole lot better. You only get one swing at life, why spend it crying on the bed and fearing the person you're supposed to find comfort with? 

I'd file some paperwork and get out of that situation before any more years pass you by. Good luck dear Lady and take care.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Adeline said:


> wow! thank you both for your wisdom and personal anecdotes. Both perspectives have me deep in thought.
> 
> alphaomega- I've definitely thought of him along the same lines as you described. I know that there must be something that he is struggling with that is separate from our marriage. I just don't know what. H*e didn't always used to be like this. It just makes me wonder, would he be like this regardless of who he married? If he found someone who catered to him better, would he end up treating them the same as me, or would he be able to have a "normal" relationship with them? Sometimes I don't know if he is broken, our marriage is broken, or if we're collectively broken. *


Yep, he would be exactly this way regardless of who he was with. THIS IS WHO HE IS. I had one just like this, pulled the old bait and switch on me. The person I ended up with was NOT the person I married. 



Adeline said:


> FormerSelf- I suspect that is part of his thinking as well*. He feels as though he has to be always on the defensive. But how long will it take before he sees that he doesn't have to be? *Especially when I am trying to remain calm and make him think rationally. Not fighting back makes me feel like more of a victim honestly... especially because he just keeps at it.


He wont ever see it this way. The world is against him, didnt you know that? And you are their leader.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

bild a loco- sometimes I think the fact that some of his co workers are going through nasty divorces that that may help him be so nonchalant towards our relationship... the whole "join the club" type thing.


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## CaptainLOTO (Nov 6, 2013)

Adeline said:


> bild a loco- sometimes I think the fact that some of his co workers are going through nasty divorces that that may help him be so nonchalant towards our relationship... the whole "join the club" type thing.


/
Being in a group where people are divorcing can definitely change his attitude and perceptions. (Unrelated but similar, my wife went to Nursing school, as soon as she studied a disease, she thought she had it... The power of suggestion, hearing colleagues put frustration into words, labeling things can be very powerful...) So, if he was a little unhappy and now he's hearing people divorcing over those issues, suddenly they are exaggerated and have a label he can dwell upon.

But, you said he wasn't always this way. That this seemed to start a couple of years ago. As some have suggested, the collective wisdom of the forum works best with more info. So, what changed two years ago?

If he's passive aggressive - well, it takes two to play that game. Are you being direct and communicating unambiguously. Most men (myself included) don't get subtext and really don't consciously attempt to communicate with subtext. So, if something is frustrating you, make sure you're clear and direct about it. As to his threats etc. sometimes the best remedy is to call the bluff. Ask, if that's really what he wants and pull up a website dealing with dissolution of assets etc. If he's really checked out, he'll hop on board. If he's not and he's just manipulating you then you'll have a clearer picture of what you're up against and you can make an informed, adult choice about whether to stay with a spouse who has only one foot in the marriage.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

I did post some where some more details, but I forget which thread! But basically there isn't really a magic common denominator. No infidelity or financial problems etc I can't think of anything a year or 2 ago that changed. 3 or 4 years ago there were changes like moving and new job, but everything was fine then. It's a mystery. As far as details about the types of arguments oh goodness, there are plenty. Some examples would be I saw him once washing a bowl with a sponge that is always in the bathroom, as in used to clean sinks and tubs and toilets... I had no idea how it got to the kitchen sink! I ASKED him if that was the sponge from the bathroom (thinking he could have possibly got another one) and he threw the dish down even before answering me and it shattered every where. "Do you think I'm stupid?" Turns out it was in fact the sponge from the bathroom though... Another time he had gone grocery shopping for me right before he went on a work trip. A week into it I had run out of fresh veggies and fruit for myself, so I went the store naturally to get some more. He saw the charge and asked me why the f*** would I need to go to the grocery store if he had just gone the week before and bought me what I need? As if I have no right to spend 20 bucks at the grocery store... just dumb, petty things like that. I do feel that I am direct with him, so much so that I tell him that at times. "You know exactly what I am expecting and would love from you, because I tell you it explicitly all the time." I've never been vague with him about important points.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

If you've just graduated. Working in a boring crappy job in a small town. And you have no children. And living with a passive aggressive verbally and mentally abusive spouse.

I would be looking for a mentally challenging rewarding job on a career path - BACK in the home state where your friends are.

I would get Independent counseling - so I could work on myself and figure out how I chose/or chose to stay longer with someone who doesn't adore and support me emotionally. 

And then move on along the road to finding happiness....

Life is way shorter than you think it is when you are young. 

You can't change someone else - but you can change how you react to their behaviors. You CAN change where you live and what you do for a living. And in doing these things that will nurture your soul - you will find friends and eventually someone who cherishes you - to share your life with and make a family with.

Think of how your current spouses reactions are to you - and think how it will be 5 years down the road, with kids and stuck in a small town and in a job you hate and with few friends/support systems.

You finished your degree - with lots of research papers etc.
Now go back and read your own posts - as if you were analyzing them from an educated and intelligent outsiders point of view....
what advice would you give this person?

Good luck to you, I hope you make the decisions that will make the rest of your life as happy and meaningful as it should be.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

Unique Username- thank you for your kind words. It crosses my mind a lot what you have described. My one friend that I have confided in has even said she has an extra room for me to stay in, I would definitely move to my hometown first if I ever needed to "start over." However I thought of that scenario back when I didn't even think I would need it, ironically enough. Though I still half think of it, I mostly have the attitude of "i'll cross that bridge when I come to it." Maybe because the possibility of me needing to start over on my own is more real than ever and it terrifies me. I don't know. Career wise, I definitely would not stay here on my own. And you're right... picturing this being the same reality 5 years from now is scary. Even one year from now... I'm pretty much at my limit. If I had known back when things started getting rocky that it would still be this way and worse a year later... I'm not sure what decision I would have made.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Adeline, now that you've graduated, you've got the time for a new book to read: Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men, by Bancroft.

You simply must read this book. Please do this and report back what you think.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

As long as you are the one making all the concessions nothing will change.

Why should it. He gets to destroy you verbally everytime there is a disagreement. That way he doesn't have to deal with the real issues.

We call that - immaturity.

And no, you can't "fix" it.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Adeline said:


> yes, things have gotten progressively worse over the last year or so. Of course in my eyes I do feel he is controlling and emotionally abusive, but I know I have a part to play in the fault in our relationship as well, I just don't know how large of a part. I am eager to see what the counselor says. One close friend knows of my situation with my husband, and she seems to think he is the main issue, but that could be a bias because I am her friend. I feel the same way, but of course I'd be biased to myself... all I know is that for a while now I have been reacting different to his outbursts, basically not freaking out back and/or calming down faster. It doesn't make a lick of difference. I do not have children. I have thought of some hypothetical exit plans, but it scares me as I really hope it doesn't come to that...


Adeline, I am sorry you're going through this. 

You are right that you play a part in things, but the part you play probably looks NOTHING like what you think it does. 

Yes, he would be this way with someone who catered to him more. He would *not* be this way with a woman who didn't tolerate it, though. As long as you're participating, you are tolerating. 

I'm glad you are thinking of exit plans. You should have one ready as you go about addressing this. Put some money away secretly, know where you will go, and how you will protect yourself and find a job if needed. 

To start addressing it, you'll first need to recognize a few things: 

1. He HAS control over his behavior, and CHOOSES how to use it. He wouldn't dare act this way with his boss, for instance. The way we act around another person is directly tied to how much we value the other person. 

2. He KNOWS he's being a jerk. Trust me on this. You don't have to argue with him over it, because he knows it's true even if he claims he's the victim. 

3. While you might want to understand what "made him this way," it's completely irrelevant. Yes, there are reasons, but those reasons don't matter to you. He is NOT going to come to some magical understanding because you figure it out and show him, so don't bother wasting your mental energy on this. 

4. YOU are responsible for you, and TO you. You are neglecting your responsibility to yourself every time you allow yourself to be in this situation. In order to stop being in these situations, you must learn how to set healthy boundaries and you must enforce those boundaries. Unfortunately, there's a lot of very bad advice out there on boundaries. Please take a look at my article on this, especially the part about mistakes people make when setting boundaries. ( How to Set Boundaries and Be More Assertive )

I have some other articles that may be helpful to you, too, such as coping with silent treatments. 

He is not going to change his behavior overnight. In fact, he won't change significantly unless he experiences a crisis that makes HIM decide he will not do anything that even remotely could result in similar crisis results again. For many men, this means their partner leaves them, but for some, it may not take so much. I promise you that the moment he BELIEVES his behavior costs him more than it benefits him, that behavior will stop cold. Until then, that behavior benefits him by letting him feel in control and powerful when he's been feeling weak or insecure, so he has no reason to change. 

I wish you the best. It sounds like you have a lot of promise and plenty of opportunity if you'll stop letting your emotions keep you tied to people and places that are holding you back.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

code20 and KathyBatesel- both of your posts really spoke to me and had really great points. I have started to realize that I should become as you described in focusing on my reactions to him and controlling my own when he picks a fight and that I don't give in. I've done that some, but I've decided I need to be more consistent with that. And to always keep in mind that it speaks to his own character when he chooses to have outbursts, and it's not my fault nor should I think they are ok. But I can choose to keep my own character intact and become a better person. 

I will look into the readings y'all have provided, and turnera you are so right about having time to read things now that aren't academic related haha, I think that that is why I am more in tune to my marriage now and feeling the exhaustion of over a year of this turmoil because school doesn't keep me busy and distracted anymore. But now I have time to really focus and tackle the issues at hand and see if they can be fixed or not! No more excuses.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The first thing you need to agree to is this: If he raises his voice or accuses me of something, I WILL LEAVE THE ROOM.

If he then follows me to continue it ("I'm not done yet!"), I WILL LEAVE THE HOUSE.

If when I come home he is waiting to gang up on me again because I dared leave the house, I WILL PACK A BAG AND GO STAY SOMEWHERE ELSE FOR THE NIGHT.

If he comes at me again when I return the next morning, I WILL ASK SOMEONE IF I CAN STAY A WEEK, AND I WILL TAKE THAT WEEK TO BE ALONE WITH MY THOUGHTS.

Will you agree to this one thing?


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

turnera- yes, that is very wise advice to take that choice of action. I need to start doing that more. What I think I might do is first try to see if I can diffuse the situation such as very calmly saying something along the lines of "I will talk to you if you do not yell" and/or "are you sure you want to choose to be this angry about something like this? let's calmly talk about this, it doesn't need to get heated." And if he still doesn't choose to calm down (which when I have tried this a few times in the past he did not... but I've never consistently tried every fight) then I will choose to remove myself as you described.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Adeline said:


> What I think I might do is first try to see if I can diffuse the situation such as very calmly saying something along the lines of "I will talk to you if you do not yell"


Nope.

Won't work.

Never works.

All that does is teach him that you are a victim and he can be even MORE controlling and abusive.

The only thing abusers understand is a show of force. YOU, by your actions, NOT TOLERATING poor treatment. THAT, he will understand.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

I don't necessarily think it will work (but who knows, maybe it could?) but I guess to do it more for myself to show that I did try to calmly engage with him AND so he can't just say that I walk away all the time and therefore be able to blame me for silent treatment to justify his own actions and to tattle to the counselor. Unless it truly is something very, very stupid like a lot of the fights are where he overreacts to something very small then I will say to him "I refuse to engage like this over something like that."


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's not why you do it. You do it because you are afraid to do the 'hard' thing - the leaving the room, the leaving the house, the staying away. THAT is scary. Trust me, BTDT.



> I refuse to engage like this over something like that


Nine words too many, nine words that will just trip you up and give him time and opportunity to charge in and bully you until you say you're sorry and cry and ASK him to stop.

There are only two words that matter any more in your situation: STOP or NO.


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