# Can we recover from what I have done?



## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

So I will make this long story short. I would appreciate your advice. A decade ago my husband made out with my at the time best friend whom he has known from Jr high. The first time was her the second was him. When he kissed her the second time he also groped her ass. After all this nobody told me till a year later. So obviously I was devastated, the two people I love and trust the most have betrayed me. Do what happens I start liking the attention I get from the man at work.. most of our conversations were with me on ambien and drinking. Not a good idea I know. But I was heart broken and lost all self esteem and self worth. So fast forward months and it escalates inappropriateness with conversation. And he always would ask for pics. So of course I told him one night no you send me one and he actually did. I know I didn’t take one back though. And if I sent him something back it was like random over the clothing no naked anything . The other incident outside of text was when we all went out one night and he tried to kiss me. I obviously declined. I honestly just wanted attention. I didn’t want to leave my marriage I was hurt but I loved my husband. My question with you guys is I have told him all of the above, but I do remember the other man telling me once he loved me. I thought that’s odd.. and I don’t remember what I said back? If I said it to or if I was like oh ya me too thing.. or anything? And I feel so guilty should I say something? I don’t want to say I did and didn’t ya know. I mean I know I didn’t. Even if I say I did I know now I for sure did not.

Also something else is 4 or 5 years ago I don’t know if he messaged me on Snapchat or what it if I randomly sent a pic to him and a few others of my boobs and blurred out my nipples. Do I tell him the possible how that happend he knows I sent it. Again ambiem I HATE that pill.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

The ambien makes a really good excuse for not remembering any of these incidents until and unless someone else brings them to your attention at which point you could say "Oh I vaguely remember that but everything is so hazy with the ambien".


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Yes, you can come back from this. TAM and similar boards are loaded with marriages that have recovered after MUCH worse.

The problem is that you have to convince your husband that nothing really happened. The same way many are going to say "how do you know he didn't have sex with your friend 10 years ago?" your husband is thinking that you probably went further with your old co-worker.

To be honest, that it went on for so long and involved you sending pics of yourself, he's going to find it hard to believe you didn't take it further. Especially if your saying you didn't even kiss the guy after months of this EA that including going out alone to bars. 

We men are most concerned that someone touched you. Tell him your willing to take a poly to prove that it never got physical. Once you prove that you didn't let this man have you, he will very likely change is his tune. He also needs to prove to you that he's truly sorry for betraying you with your friend and that it never went beyond making out.

Once you've both proved your fidelity, then you can work on building anew. No more games. Putting each other 1st.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

Ya I just spoke with a friend that is a mutual friend. He had spoke with the man and said I did say it twice but in a friend way not Love Love. And that I am over thinking what happened it wasn’t like that. Do now to telling the husband.. I am so scared o could lose a16 year relationship over such a stupid act.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Marriage counseling. See if both of you can get over your betrayal and work towards a better marriage.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

Ya he won’t do counseling we tried after his indiscretions and he was so terrible neither of us want to do it again.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

jsmart said:


> Yes, you can come back from this.
> We men are most concerned that someone touched you. Tell him your willing to take a poly to prove that it never got physical. Once you prove that you didn't let this man have you, he will very likely change is his tune.


Agree. Your husband is not likely to really care about "I love you" or anything related to hearts and flowers. To him, the "business" of affairs is sex.
Many of us guys do not even believe that an "EA" is something that really exists. To us, an "EA" is "so what?".....the only REAL affair is "PA".


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

Absolutely it's recoverable. If sex occurred, different story.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I just reread your original post and went through some of your prior post. You sent this guy picture of your breast and supposedly blurred the nipples and you use the excuse of being on Ambien for not having proper judgement.

So how does your husband know if you didn't do more under the influence. If you don't remember sending topless photos of yourself, how can you remember if you didn't go further with this guy at some point?

If a husband came on here talking about not remembering sending di.. pics to a woman that he's been sexting with for months, because he was drunk, he would rightly be pilloried. So I got to call BS on your using this drug for very questionable acts.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

TJW said:


> Agree. Your husband is not likely to really care about "I love you" or anything related to hearts and flowers. To him, the "business" of affairs is sex.
> Many of us guys do not even believe that an "EA" is something that really exists. To us, an "EA" is "so what?".....the only REAL affair is "PA".


I think men should be cautious about dismissing EA's they are the ones that really matter to the women, because she gives her heart away and once she does that you have lost her!

To OP, you both need to get your act together, you sound so juvenile. Forget about your WH, let his clean up his own mess and make amends, did he make amends for you?
You go to IC, see why you are doing what you are doing and get yourself straightened up. You blame ambien for your cheap behavior, but that is an excuse, and you know it.
I suspect you are still hurt at what your WH and friend did and want to get back at him but he is not that bothered, am I right. If he is not bothered, then your problems are way deeper and you may have to consider separation or divorce.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Entitled. You are not entitled to a reconciliation without honesty and contrition and so far that's not happening.


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

I don't think any of the history matters. Waht matters is that you and your husband need to come to a clearly understood agreement about your marriage and most important your boundaries.

First you have to determine how strong your marriage is and do you each want to continue be married to each other?

If both think it is strong and want to continue, then you need to determine what boundaries you will abide by in regard to interactions with persons outside the marriage. There is a whole spectrum here, neither of you appear to know where either of you are on it. That has to be made clear and you need to try to discuss it calmly.

For example the spectrum may go from:

1) If you so much as look at another man (woman), we are done!

2) It's OK to socialize with your opposite sex co-worker but only in a platonic way.

3) You can hug or kiss another woman (man) in a affectionate but non-romantic way, on singular occasions, but don't make a habit of it.

...

9) We are swingers, but only play as a couple.

10) We have an open marriage, but intend to stay together married.

I also don't think you can just go on without a clear understanding and whenever something happens like it already has for each of you, just blame it on Ambien or some other similar drug. You have to own your actions, and expect there to be consequences if you betray each others' trust.


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

A few years ago, I got really, really sick. After I went to the doctor and wasn't throwing up my toenails anymore, my husband gave me an Ambien, because I hadn't been able to rest for four days straight due to the pain and illness. Sooooooo, I decided to go get on the computer while I waited for the Ambien to work. The next morning when I was checking my emails, I found some interesting ones. Receipts. For things I'd wanted to buy but had put aside because I was too responsible to spend that kind of money. I bought a new ipad AND a new camera. I spent $1800 and barely remembered doing it. The point is...these were things I had WANTED, but wouldn't buy for myself. My point is, if you hadn't already been wanting something to happen, it wouldn't have happened.


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