# Playful request for oral ideas



## Snorkledorf (Feb 8, 2018)

Hi all.

I see more than a few threads involving oral activity. There doesn't seem to be a pattern of one sex enjoying it, and the other not - but does seem to be a common point of conflict.

My wife and I have been married for more than 25 yrs, together as a couple for 5 yrs before that. We've had challenges at times - mostly due to normal life events - family, health, career, etc.... Due to some long lasting health issues, we were in what by definition was a sexless marriage. After a recovery, we've made an effort to enjoy this aspect and appreciate each other more in that way. I can say that this has been the best time in our marriage in that regard.

However - there is always going to be something that would be nice that isn't always available. In my case - it is oral. Particularly - giving to her. This is something that was a very common part earlier in our marriage, but more recently - if I try to go there, I'm usually steered away. When we've talked about it (and yes, we can usually talk) I've gotten different explanations. It's been hygiene at that time, or it's caused irritation after the fact, or the climax isn't as good. I've even offered to take instruction - which to me would be a bonus in intimacy.

Anyway - It's not entirely off the table, but I typically need to let her know that I'm thinking of it in advance for it to come into play. It's kinda turned into a birthday or other "gift" situation. After several months, I'm wanting to submit a request... Sounds pretty formal - doesn't it? 

Well - that's my question to you all. What ideas do you have for letting her know that I'd like this included, but in a playful - hopefully sexy way. 

She's not one to go for true "dirty talk", but doesn't mind some suggestive banter. Any ideas on letting her know up front, not being too literal - but not leaving room for other interpretation?

Thanks!


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Snorkledorf said:


> Hi all.
> 
> I see more than a few threads involving oral activity. There doesn't seem to be a pattern of one sex enjoying it, and the other not - but does seem to be a common point of conflict.
> 
> ...


What is wrong with just telling her? Why not just be literal? It sounds like you two don't communicate your needs. I say this as someone who has been in a similar situation but failed to communicate properly. I am now divorced after a 24 year marriage. If she likes it, she likes it. If she doesn't, she doesn't. But at least you will know and can then act accordingly. Trying to guess how some one thinks or feel is exhausting and never works.


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

We are pretty direct talkers at my house so I don’t really have much advice for playful suggestions. My husband would just say “I want to eat your *****.”

Are you giving her enough non sexual foreplay? Or even sexual foreplay but not going straight for it? When my sex drive was lower there was a time when oral made me cringe. I didn’t understand why and I hated that I felt that way. I knew that I used to love it but suddenly it felt like a chore. The biggest thing that helped me was when he’d take his time getting there. I needed some time to warm up to it and when he’d just go straight to it, I’d feel tense. What he did was kiss my stomach and thighs. I’d relax and enjoy the feelings of his kisses and then start wanting it. A huge turn on to me is when he kisses or licks over my panties. I don’t know why but that does it for me every time. 
So maybe you could try something similar to make her relax and enjoy it more. If she absolutely doesn’t like it then that’s another thing but you saying that she used to makes me think that maybe it’s just her needing more time now.

Edited to add... another thing I just thought of is different positions for oral. Sometimes that helped me. I won’t go into graphic detail but there are certain positions for oral that are just ok for me and others that make me see stars.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Have your wife start her own account and post on this thread.

The last time I thought I could share my wife’s troubles with a woman through some guys post it was a fiasco. Anyway it was TMI for the conservative crowd. 

My wife was sexually abused as a child. She was groomed for it by having cunnilingus performed on her starting when she was nine years old.

My wife showed some reluctance to allow it when we were dating. I told her it was a need for me, and I would take her home. Yes, I was willing to break up over it. We were not married. I don’t think I needed to continue dating a woman who wouldn’t satisfy my needs in marriage.

I suppose my mistake was in allowing my wife to decide she was okay with it after all. I should not have allowed her to change her mind.

Ten years later she started therapy and a year after that at the behest of her psychiatrist she had me go in and they told me about her abuse. And other issues.

You don’t know why your wife is reluctant. Your wife is showing a great deal of reluctance. Every CSA survivor is different, but you need to consider it.

There. Not TMI, I think.


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## Snorkledorf (Feb 8, 2018)

Ynot said:


> What is wrong with just telling her? Why not just be literal? It sounds like you two don't communicate your needs. I say this as someone who has been in a similar situation but failed to communicate properly. I am now divorced after a 24 year marriage. If she likes it, she likes it. If she doesn't, she doesn't. But at least you will know and can then act accordingly. Trying to guess how some one thinks or feel is exhausting and never works.


Thanks for the reply. Yeah - I don't have a problem just coming out and saying it, but I'd really like for it to be like flirtatious foreplay rather than a notice that I'm expecting her to deliver on something. I don't mean to be coercive, but I know that there are things that I can be more positive about just in the way they are approached. 

You're right - it is often better to just be straight forward, but if I ask in a flirting manner, I'll pretty much know in her reaction whether it's something she's likely to be up for. And really, though it is a pretty strong desire on my part, It's a non-issue if she'd rather not. When we have talked openly about it, she has stressed that it's not a "no more" thing - just not a regular thing.


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## Snorkledorf (Feb 8, 2018)

LeananSidhe said:


> We are pretty direct talkers at my house so I don’t really have much advice for playful suggestions. My husband would just say “I want to eat your *****.”
> 
> Are you giving her enough non sexual foreplay? Or even sexual foreplay but not going straight for it? When my sex drive was lower there was a time when oral made me cringe. I didn’t understand why and I hated that I felt that way. I knew that I used to love it but suddenly it felt like a chore. The biggest thing that helped me was when he’d take his time getting there. I needed some time to warm up to it and when he’d just go straight to it, I’d feel tense. What he did was kiss my stomach and thighs. I’d relax and enjoy the feelings of his kisses and then start wanting it. A huge turn on to me is when he kisses or licks over my panties. I don’t know why but that does it for me every time.
> So maybe you could try something similar to make her relax and enjoy it more. If she absolutely doesn’t like it then that’s another thing but you saying that she used to makes me think that maybe it’s just her needing more time now.
> ...



Thanks for the reply. You've given me some things to consider. I don't think it's a matter of moving too fast. Typically - if we have the luxury of time - there's a good deal of body massage, soft brushing, etc... On a "get down to business" night, I wouldn't be into it myself. The actual act is great, and maybe this weird for a guy, but getting there (and getting her there) can be about as much fun.

When it was a regular thing, there were different positions - and all seemed to be "effective" - but I could definitely bring that up.


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## Snorkledorf (Feb 8, 2018)

WilliamM said:


> Have your wife start her own account and post on this thread.
> 
> The last time I thought I could share my wife’s troubles with a woman through some guys post it was a fiasco. Anyway it was TMI for the conservative crowd.
> 
> ...


Very sorry to hear of what your wife went through. I had been reading your post, and that's one of the things that had prompted me to get some different viewpoints. 

Though obviously it's enough of an issue for me to bounce it off people for ideas, its nothing that I would want her to think of as a problem. I'm more just looking for ideas or motivation to be flirting and suggestive in the request - rather than just checking on an item from the menu. :smile2:


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

Are you good at giving oral? Most western males aren't even if they think they are. I wasn't very good at it until I spent considerable time in Japan as a young man and the Japanese ladies taught me what I was doing wrong. If you do it right then they're done for the entire night. Her saying the climax isn't as good leads me to believe you're not doing it right. When done right, the climax will make them see God. ;-)


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

Snorkledorf said:


> LeananSidhe said:
> 
> 
> > We are pretty direct talkers at my house so I don’t really have much advice for playful suggestions. My husband would just say “I want to eat your *****.”
> ...


For me it wasn’t so much just foreplay as getting that specific part of my body “warmed up”. I’ve found that I have to be really, really horny to enjoy oral. You would think that just getting oral would be enough to make me really horny but it’s not. So massages and foreplay were nice and definitely got me in the mood but it wasn’t enough to make me really want oral. I needed him to kiss all around that area before I wanted him to kiss the actual area. Lol. It’s kind of hard to describe without going full porno talk but I’m trying. Haha. 

Luckily I’m going through a wonderful high sex drive phase so my husband can just brush past me in the hallway right now and I’m panting.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

When I light candles, it means I am going to enjoy a candlelight dinner.

This applies to her before 1992.

My wife is odd. In spite of her history she enjoyed having me perform oral sex on her if I tied her down. TMI, I know. And I mean she really enjoyed it.

There was a time, after I learned about her abuse, I tried to armchair psychoanalyze her over this and she reacted very negatively. She became hostile, and even got her shrink to read me the riot act. And I was just speculating a tiny bit. I’ve never tried that again.

But when I would get out her cuffs I would light candles. 

So candles always mean oral sex. We go through a lot of candles.

Any time either of us mention candlelight dinner, we know we mean oral sex, on her.

Since 1992 and the relative success of Mary’s therapy, oral sex on her is absolutely her favorite sex act by far, under any circumstances. She is very different now.


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## Machjo (Feb 2, 2018)

Snorkledorf said:


> Hi all.
> 
> I see more than a few threads involving oral activity. There doesn't seem to be a pattern of one sex enjoying it, and the other not - but does seem to be a common point of conflict.
> 
> ...


Are there times when you feel more comfortable than at others? For example, for various reasons I feel uncomfortable starting any sexual interaction with my wife when I'm in the mood for sex. When I'm not immediately in the mood though, that's when I feel much more comfortable telling her everything. Some things I might feel uncomfortable telling her to her face. In that case, I'll email it to her or text her. Communication is important and so you do need to find a way to do so. That you communicate is more important than through what means you do so.

As for oral sex specifically, I just asked my wife directly face to face once she started the sexual interaction and she said she just wanted penis. Well, that answered that.


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## Notself (Aug 25, 2017)

Snorkledorf said:


> Well - that's my question to you all. What ideas do you have for letting her know that I'd like this included, but in a playful - hopefully sexy way.


If she doesn't want to do it, no amount of asking or bringing it up - sexy or not - is likely to change her mind. And if she doesn't want to talk about it during non-intimate times, sounds like you're just out of luck on that front. Sorry.


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## Don't Panic (Apr 2, 2017)

VermiciousKnid said:


> Are you good at giving oral? Most western males aren't even if they think they are. I wasn't very good at it until I spent considerable time in Japan as a young man and the Japanese ladies taught me what I was doing wrong. If you do it right then they're done for the entire night. Her saying the climax isn't as good leads me to believe you're not doing it right. When done right, the climax will make them see God. ;-)


Whaaaa??? So you're saying oral could be even* BETTER* provided you were fortunate enough to have ahem, _immersed_ yourself within the Japanese culture? Not that I'm complaining (truly, I'm not) but my husband spent his twenties exploring mostly EUROPEAN countries. Sigh. Who knew?

Your comments are _very very_ intriguing...Google search imminent...thanks for the "heads-up" >


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

Don't Panic said:


> Whaaaa??? So you're saying oral could be even* BETTER* provided you were fortunate enough to have ahem, _immersed_ yourself within the Japanese culture? Not that I'm complaining (truly, I'm not) but my husband spent his twenties exploring mostly EUROPEAN countries. Sigh. Who knew?
> 
> Your comments are _very very_ intriguing...Google search imminent...thanks for the "heads-up" >


No problem. If it doesn't knock you out with one shot for the night then they're not doing it right. At first I thought it was just a Japanese thing but I experienced the same thing in the Philippines, Korea, Hong Kong, Singapore, Malaysia, and Thailand so it must be an Asian cultural thing. I was eager to learn and realized that what I thought I knew about the female fun parts was mostly wrong. A lot of men are not willing to admit they don't know everything. They're offended if you suggest they're not doing it right. I'm always happy to learn a new trick or two.


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