# Help guys please!! Work relationship?



## nickles (Sep 9, 2010)

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Hello! I am new to this forum. I am married and have 2 children. I wanted to see if anyone could give me any advice on this matter.
I used to work with this guy who is my boss(who is also married with children). It was only me and him in our area. I worked strictly for him but it a building with other people. I had started working for him and then he started taking/asking me to lunch once a week. After about 3 times of going he asked me again and I finally said..it would be nice of you to ask your wife to lunch...he then said well that would be too much work...
I went ahead and went to lunch with him several more times...
I then started to develop feelings for him. I told my husband about it and he wanted to work through it and he was glad I was honest with him. Then I told my boss that I had gradually gotten feelings for him because he took me to lunch all the time. I asked him if he had feelings for me and he didnt say NO, but just shook his head no...then I asked him if he was sure and he said yes, I have nothing to lose...
Even after we both agreed not to do lunch anymore and because his wife also got mad that he took me to lunch he then a couple months later had me take him to drop off his car at the shop and then asked me to lunch again..so i went..
He told me his wife was mad because we would go on afternoons that we both had off...she told him he was going to hang out with me then he told me that he had nothing to say back to her..(what does this mean?)
he would even buy me a couple of drinks for lunch..
I eventually quit working for him...
he sent me some really hurtful text messages and then told me to never communicate with him again...so i didnt
i ran into him a month later after he said some really hurtful things to me and he had the nerve to say hi and hows it going...(after telling me to not communicate with him)
i ignored him and kept walking...
my thing is did he have feelings for me? i still think about him all the time and i dont want to..i want to quit thinking about him...why am i still thinking about him when it has been over 2 months and after he was very hurtfull? does he think about me? if so how does he restrain to not text me?... 
Also did he have feelings for me you think but just didnt want to admit it?
He also winked at me all the time, smiled, and plus two co-workers came up to me and both said that they saw the "way" he stared at me...
how can he just move on and that's it?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Shouldn't you be focusing your thoughts and energy on your husband and children? You seem to be in dreamland.

Bob


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Does your husband have feelings for you? His is the only male opinion you should be concerned with. If your old boss admitted he had feelings for you and fantasized about you constantly, how would that change your life? Would you dump your marriage and family to pursue him? If you were successful, the only thing you would "win" would be an opportunity to be latched onto a lying cheater who would eventually treat you as he treated his wife. If you want to continue in your marriage, quit worrying about this guy's feelings and consider your husband's.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Nickles, you dodged a bullet as you were a hair away from having an affair. I'd suggest you really think about the reality of what would happen if your husband left you - the financial, logistical, and the guilt you would feel. Your post comes off as incredibly selfish. I doubt you are a bad person, I'm sure you are a very nice woman, but if you keep this line of thinking up, you're going to end up in bed with the next guy that comes around and is nice to you. And then you are in for a sh*t storm beyond your wildest imagination.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

nickles said:


> how can he just move on and that's it?


Because he didn't have any emotional attachment or deeper feelings for you. It sounds as though he enjoyed the attention from you (admitting you were attracted to him) but didn't plan to take it any further than getting is own ego stroked.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

swedish said:


> Because he didn't have any emotional attachment or deeper feelings for you. It sounds as though he enjoyed the attention from you (admitting you were attracted to him) but didn't plan to take it any further than getting is own ego stroked.


But swedish, that's how most affairs start. Most don't go into it thinking I'll cheat, it starts with liking the attention, then "feelings" develop, then a kiss "just happens" and we all know the rest...

At the core of it is unmet needs, unwillingness to address problems with her spouse, and selfishness.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Very true, ss. In this case, however, I believe he had ample opportunity to take it to the next level when she admitted her attraction, but chose not to for whatever reason. I don't think his subtle flirtation is worth wasting time over what he was or wasn't thinking or feeling about her....he wasn't that into her.

Sorry, Nickels, but it sounds that if you had the nerve to do it, you would have made a move on him but held back merely because you weren't sure if he would be receptive. That doubt probably spared you from a lot of hurt and pain within your marriage.


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## nickles (Sep 9, 2010)

he asked me EVERY SINGLE WEEK..ALL THE TIME..I just thought this was excessive...and when I met him @ a restaurant twice when I walked in he had already ordered a Margarita...and it was like it was DATE all the time.. It was just excessive that he asked me all the time just for a bonus.
Also did he have feelings for me you think but just didnt want to admit it?
how can he just move on and that's it? 
they said that he would always hang around me and pretend that he was working but really staring at me...
what about the comment he said to his wife..she said you are not going to lunch just to go eat lunch but to HANG out with her (then he told me when she said that..that he didnt have anything to say back at her..) I took it that he was subtly telling me that he was indeed going to hang out with me...?
i understand that i may sound selfish but I did talk to my husband about this..and he indeed knows EVERYTHING..about what happened and that i had feelings...the only thing he doesnt know is that i still do and still think about this guy..because he gave me attention too..he made me laugh when i was upset..etc.
my major question is did he really have feelings for me and didnt want to admit it because he was married too and didnt want to go "there" and do you think he still thinks about me? it has been two months since we have talked...and he just really seemed to me that he was making moves and when it came down to it and i confronted him..he didnt want to own up to it..
say he does still think about me..how does he not even try to communicate with me? that is my thing is i think about him every day and it really bothers me that since i dont work with him anymore..i chose to leave..that i cant talk to him at all..
we both agreed that we shouldnt talk


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## nickles (Sep 9, 2010)

also thank you so much for your honest opinions..whether it is to my benefit or not! i really appreciate it!


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## nickles (Sep 9, 2010)

one more thing..about me coming off as selfish...did i react this way to this man because i am not happy in my relationship with my husband and marriage?


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

He's mad because he couldn't play you well enough to actually seduce you. Yes he had feelings for you. Now in his mind you're just a ***** that took the drinks and didn't put out. Sour grapes basically.

Consider yourself lucky.


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## nickles (Sep 9, 2010)

LOL! Atholk...i didnt think he would be mad ..since i TOLD him that i had feelings for him and he just sat there..if he really wanted to seduce me he could have done it then..right?


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Nickles, you are really missing the point in all of this. You are obsessing about a man that may or may not have "liked" you, and hiding it from your husband who "does" like you. 

I predict you will have an affair within the next 18 months. You seem to be obessed with the validation of having a man, other than your husband, desire you. There was no magic between you and your old boss. He paid attention and it made you feel good so you developed feelings. Running your life based on your "feelings" is immature and childish.

I pity your husband. He is in for some heart ache very soon. I wish I could somehow make you see that. The real question is, why do you need external validation from other men so badly? What is broken inside you that causes you to seek it out?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

:iagree:

Well put.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

nickles said:


> LOL! Atholk...i didnt think he would be mad ..since i TOLD him that i had feelings for him and he just sat there..if he really wanted to seduce me he could have done it then..right?


Some men are just terrible at picking up clues from women.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Atholk said:


> Some men are just terrible at picking up clues from women.


Is it true that after the fith clue the woman gives up?

Bob


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## nickles (Sep 9, 2010)

i agree with you..i just need to learn now how to move on...my whole mindset after i got a new job anyway was..."why i sit here and think about this..I bet he didn't even think twice about me" it was the other girls in the office who told me that he acted like he liked me, he starred at me in a different way, and that they could just tell..plus he did tell me that we shouldnt talk anymore or text because he could see why his wife was mad.he said because you are hot. so i just couldnt help the feelings i had developed for him..i just need to learn to move on..because when it comes down to it i have always told myself after this situation that i indeed didnt want to think about him anymore and i do want to be a great wife to my husband. so yes, i get it i need to move on and forget about it, it will she take time...this whole situationn went on for about 8 months..i spent more time with him than i did at home because i worke 40 hrs a week. i spent a majority of my time at work with this guy. it isnt like i asked to be in the situation..and i need to forget if he ever thinks about me bc i shouldnt care.


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## Frost (Aug 2, 2010)

Seems to me that he was rude to you because you quit the job and basically ruined his good thing. Sure he had feelings for you but he wasn't going to commit to anything beyond work because then he would have to face the reality that his marriage would end. You were his side fling while he was out of sight from his wife and he may have told you he said something to his wife, odds are that was just another lie to string the relationship along. Now you're gone and he will move on to another side relationship.

As was previously stated, you need to evaluate why you let this happen to begin with. You owe this to yourself and to your husband. It sounds like your husband is willing to overlook this betrayal (harsh word but it is the best definition I can apply), so count your blessings for now and try to mend your marriage or determine if you even want a marriage.


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## nickles (Sep 9, 2010)

Thanks for that Frost..I know..I need to figure out why I was so vulnerable..this wasnt obviously just my bosses fault. If I would have been stronger I would have never let myself get emotionally attached. My husband and I have always had a good strong relationship until i let this happen.. My husband is really devoted or he wouldnt have worked through this with me. I want to really mend this marriage but I think I first need to figure out why I could let something like this happen? Was it because my boss was more of a powerful figure that I looked up to? I dont know...


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

AFEH said:


> Is it true that after the fith clue the woman gives up?
> 
> Bob



That can vary, but women tend to get very pissed off at men that they give clear signals to that don't act on them. Women really don't often know how to deal with sexual rejection / disappointment.


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## nickles (Sep 9, 2010)

dontwanttoloseher said:


> you sound like what I fear my wife will become


What vulnerable? I am just glad nothing physical happened. The emotional part is hard enough dealing with.


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## dontwanttoloseher (Aug 21, 2010)

i hate being insecure and am trying to figure out how i got like this...age?


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