# Her reason for unhappiness confuses me



## BrickWall (Mar 7, 2011)

First post - yee hah! Or not. I've been married to my W for 20+ years. We have three kids who are in their teens. Both of us work full time. We've been drifting apart for a long time. I think we were both so busy with work and taking care of the kids and doing all of that other stuff that seems to consume every waking moment that we were too shell-shocked to do anything about it early on. It is a lousy excuse, I know, but that's how it was. Neither of us have had affairs, substance problems, or any of those really heavy issues. She did suffer from clinical depression a few years ago, but is off the meds now. Fast forward to about six months ago. W is in a bad mood all the time and is frequently taking an impatient or angry tone with me. I say, "Are you angry at me?" Her response is always something like, "I had a bad day at work,' or "I'm not feeling well," or "I'm over tired." At first I took her at her word, but I felt that she was lying to me to get me to leave the room. 

Jump ahead to last week. After getting that response yet again, I said, "Look, I'm not buying that excuse. You're chatting happily with the kids and then I walk in and you clam up. You're making me dread being in my own house. You're lousy at hiding your feelings - the'yre all over your face no matter what you say. So what's up?" So we start to talk (the kids are all at various activities so we have the house to ourselves). So she says, "I can't take any more. I've had it." I'm thinking, "Take what?" She says, "I can't trust you anymore. You've hurt me too many times." She's crying. I'm baffled because when she started with this moodiness, I made sure that I was extra helpful and extra solicitous. There were a few times that she made really nasty remarks to me and I did snap back at her, but for the most part I've been extra helpful. And that means that I've been doing half of the work around the house even though I work longer hours than she does. 

So I asked how I hurt her. She named an event from six years ago and said she could come up with more, but didn't. Six years ago we had a once in a lifetime event - a party with a lot of her older relatives and people from out of state and I was responsible for the camera. I charged it and brought it, but the battery failed after an hour, so I missed a lot of shots. When she found out she was livid. She blamed me for the battery running out. She blamed me for not running out and buying a new camera that we couldn't afford at the time. She said I never come through when she needs me to. (Kind of ironic, since I built a 10x20 patio for her earlier in the summer. 7 tons of gravel, 3 tons of sand, 5 tons of pavers, carried gruellingly by wheelbarrow in 90 degree heat earlier in the summer). It was an ugly display. I offered to call the guests and ask for copies of their pictures. Not good enough. I apologized, but she insisted that the apology wasn't sincere and continued to be angry for months. 

Back to the present. This just doesn't make sense to me. That was a dissappointment that happened a long time ago. It wasn't an intentional hurt. Stuff happens that is beyond your control. I'm waiting to hear what the other hurts are. I have to think that they are minor wounds that she is unable to let go of. I'm also thinking that she is seizing on them because they are the most prominent dissapointments that she blames on me, but the real reason for her anger isn't any one event but just distance between us at this point in our marriage.

Not sure where to go at this point except to get more talk from her.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Do a search on Walkaway Wife.

If some of the greatest offenses to your marriage were having a battery go out on you at a family reunion, stop inviting her to point out what YOU have done wrong.

Odds are her issues actually have very little to with you, and everything with her own feelings of disillusionment or lack of fulfillment. You just happen to be the nearest scapegoat and most convenient punching bag.

Do an honest assessment of where you believe your marriage stands ... and what you want from it. And the answer cannot be; "I want to make my wife happy."

Big mantra round these parts, take responsibility for yourself, your behavior and your feelings. She needs to do the same. If she seeks to lay blame for her unhappiness at your feet ... that is not a responsibility you should embrace.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Deejo nailed it.

Emotional distance, between a man and woman, a vacuum of emotional connection will be replaced with resentment. 

Resentment in a marriage of 20 years, it doesn't always take an affair or great wrong to dump a load of it, sometimes we can bury ourselves in resentment a spoonful at a time. 

Mostly in my experience, resentment from a woman to her man, when there is nothing obvious of course, it is because the man is not making his woman FEEL like a woman.

If a woman is not FEELING like a woman, then instead she will feel insecurity, and there then comes the nagging and inexplicable complaining and other such tings.

Two questions:

Does your woman know by your actions and behavior (not words) that she is desirable to you? 

And if so, does your woman know that she is desired by a man that himself is interesting and is his own leader? (like Deejo said, not just the man that only lives to make his woman happy!)

My suggestion, do not look for a solution by only "talking" to your woman, unless you want to try to make sense from nonsense, such as the batteries dying.

INstead, research for yourself and come to understand these concepts:

Fitness test ("Fitness test" used on this forum mostly, however Google "Sh!t Test" outside of this forum).

Hypergamy.

And maybe, just maybe, do something for yourself to give your woman someting legitimate to complain about, such as buying a motorcycle or a boat, or take up (or resume) a hobby or sport. 

And do so without apology.

And then, invite your woman along for the ride.

These things, remember it's what we did when we were young and dating and sex was on fire. 

THese tings are still the same today.


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## SoCalKat (Mar 2, 2011)

I have this exact same experience right now, however my woman has a very big list of things (events, flaws, letdowns) that she is resentful of. The thing is that I could easily produce the same number of issues. The difference is that I don't let her flaws diminish my love her in any way. I also think that both of us have many positive attributes and have been there for each other in more ways than we have failed.

I'm trying to work on myself so that I can avoid doing the kinds of things that hurt her (she the same). Her main problems are moodiness and insecurity, which have nothing to do with me.

Best thing for your wife is to get some individual counseling, but try to find somebody who is interested in helping her in a way that helps your marriage. I am leery of most counseling because it becomes more about doing "what feels right," which is a problem because what "feels right" at the moment, is not necessarily the right thing to act on.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Forget about the "actual offensees" that your wife offers up. The real offense is you allowed the emotional connection to deteriorate. You have to rebuild it the same way you built it originally (yes when you were dating). What did you do then? Take her out, tell her how great she was, try to impress her, make her feel special... Not much more to it than that. What took many years to create (by you) can be erased in 1-2 months.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

my response is more mechanical. my wife is becoming the moodiest person i have ever known, she gets all wound up about nothing and blows it into armegheddon. and of course i feel the full brunt. we teeter between being a loving affectionate couple to a volcanic eruption, depending on HER mood any given day. when she hits me with stuff like your wife hit you with i pour it right back on her with ALL of the stuff she does that pizzes me off, and i have alot more ammo then she does (i wont get into those details). it usually shuts her right up, then she turns into a kitten......for a few days....then repeat. i know i know i should hug her and confess my undying love for her when she is mad at me but..........nah, dont think so.

she is and always has done a poor job at letting me know whats bothering her, and i give her lots of chances to discuss it but, like yours, she clams up. she got pizzy with me yesterday about something that happened 20+ years ago that i had brought up in jest (similar to your camra incident) and that just blows my mind.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

As others have said, it's not about the camera. The camera is just something that she can easily put her finger on.

And who knows where it started? She got mad about hte camera, you backed off that day, she felt you were backing off, and the downward spiral starts. Slowly at first, then faster until the explosion.

one thing my marriage counselor stressed was that you have to be able to stop rehashing the past in every conversation so when my wife started with that kind of discussion, I simply said that I wasn't going to argue about the past but rather how we are going to move forward. 

When she would try and try to beat me about the past, I just wouldn't take the bait. It has worked well for us. 

BUT... you have to be able to realize that you contributed to the issues and be ready to change your side for the better.


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## SoCalKat (Mar 2, 2011)

A moody wife may have some hormonal issues she may need to talk about with her doctor. No joke. On of my friends told me she used to have really huge emotional outbursts during her time of the month and she got put on the right pill which helped.


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

Chris Taylor said:


> As others have said, it's not about the camera. The camera is just something that she can easily put her finger on.
> 
> And who knows where it started? She got mad about hte camera, you backed off that day, she felt you were backing off, and the downward spiral starts. Slowly at first, then faster until the explosion.
> 
> ...


My solution is probably not ideal, but it might be effective. You be the judge.

Spread your legs wide. Invite her to kick you in the balls as hard as she can as punishment for the camera incident -- and then she can never bring it up again, because you've apologized every which way you know how, and if you offer her a free kick to your sack and she doesn't take it, then she can't be that mad about it and should, therefore, never mention it again. If she does take it, then she gets the satisfaction of watching you writhe in unmitigated pain for twenty minutes . . . then you stand up, shake it off, and insist that she never mention it again. 

Either way, the subject is off the table, or she has to explain why a direct kick to the balls isn't commiserate to the pain and suffering she's feeling. But either way, you have offered a way to be held accountable for your actions . . . now is she ready for the same?

Yeah, yeah, I know, low-brow groin solutions rarely work. But the fact is, something that happened six years ago, no matter how important, is water WAY under the bridge. Either she has a beef with you now (which sounds like it) or she doesn't. Stick to matters at hand -- you know how you made her feel, you said sorry, offered her a kick in your balls, and moved on.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I would suggest MC as well as IC. These are issues you guys need to talk through, and since they are backloged 6 years, they will hurt a lot when them come out.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

I don't think she knows why she's unhappy. I didn't for a long time, but I was still unhappy. I thought of all of his good attributes and rationalized that there was something wrong with me. A lot of marriages end because of infidelity, substance abuse, physical abuse, etc. My marriage had none of that so I thought I should just deal. What woman wouldn't want a man like my husband?

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. He was constantly lying. The fact that he lied to "protect" me didn't matter. I couldn't live my life wondering what he was really doing with his time. 

If she's not willing to open up to you I agree with MC or IC. She may literally not know why she's upset. She probably thought that the lack of heavy issues meant she had to deal as well. Now she knows she has to get it out, but just can't.


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## BrickWall (Mar 7, 2011)

IanIronwood said:


> My solution is probably not ideal, but it might be effective. You be the judge.
> 
> Spread your legs wide. Invite her to kick you in the balls...
> 
> Either way, the subject is off the table, or she has to explain why a direct kick to the balls isn't commiserate to the pain and suffering she's feeling. But either way, you have offered a way to be held accountable for your actions . . . now is she ready for the same?


Amusing... if someone else attempted the approach.



okeydokie said:


> my response is more mechanical. my wife is becoming the moodiest person i have ever known, she gets all wound up about nothing and blows it into armegheddon. and of course i feel the full brunt. we teeter between being a loving affectionate couple to a volcanic eruption, depending on HER mood any given day. when she hits me with stuff like your wife hit you with i pour it right back on her with ALL of the stuff she does that pizzes me off, and i have alot more ammo then she does (i wont get into those details). it usually shuts her right up, then she turns into a kitten......for a few days....then repeat. i know i know i should hug her and confess my undying love for her when she is mad at me but..........nah, dont think so.
> 
> she is and always has done a poor job at letting me know whats bothering her, and i give her lots of chances to discuss it but, like yours, she clams up. she got pizzy with me yesterday about something that happened 20+ years ago that i had brought up in jest (similar to your camra incident) and that just blows my mind.


My W is poor at letting me know what is bothering her, but when she does, there's no in-between. It's either nothing or it's over the top. As in, "You never do this," or "You always do this," when in fact it can be an isolated incident. It's as if rationality flies out the window. There's nothing or there's ranting - when she lets it out she is out of control. I'm pretty much the opposite. I'll say what's bugging me, but you'll have to be pushing my buttons intentionally to really get a rise out of me. My teenage daughter is quite good at that.



Chris Taylor said:


> As others have said, it's not about the camera. The camera is just something that she can easily put her finger on.
> 
> one thing my marriage counselor stressed was that you have to be able to stop rehashing the past in every conversation so when my wife started with that kind of discussion, I simply said that I wasn't going to argue about the past but rather how we are going to move forward.
> 
> ...


My W has seen a couple of counselors. After seeing the first one, she brought the "lets stay in the here-and-now" technique if our argument started rehashing past events. I was fine with that, but she feels justified in bringing up the past when it suits her. If I say "let's stay in the here-and-now" it pretty much ends the conversation. I'm not sure how the second counselor is.

I think I can own up to my issues. I want to - it can only make me a better person. But I honestly don't know if she can own up to hers. I think she recognizes that her issues affect me, but believes that I need to adjust to them, whereas my issues need to be changed because she will not put up with them. I've mentioned that before, that it is hypocritical and one-sided to take that approach in a partnership, but her response is that we are talking about her needs, not mine. When I say, "Let's talk about my needs," she'll find a way to evade that conversation.

I suppose she is taking responsibility for herself, which is a good thing, but is doing it in a way that is destructive, which isn't.


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## BrickWall (Mar 7, 2011)

BigBadWolf said:


> Deejo nailed it.
> 
> Emotional distance, between a man and woman, a vacuum of emotional connection will be replaced with resentment.
> 
> ...


To the two questions: No and no. The wall she has built around herself prevents that.

I'm finding the reading you suggested very interesting. I think it will be helpful. Thank you.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Brick,
All married couples have a list of ooops moments. All of us. What separates the happy from unhappy couples is often two things:
- Respect. You cannot claim to respect someone when you are frequently hammering them with unsupportable accusations like you "always" and you "never". 
- Shared positive experiences. For every WTF moment I have had with my W I have 10 memories of joy. 

What does she like doing with you? How often do you make the effort for that to happen?

My W does not like flowers, clothing, candy, jewelry or expensive gifts of any kind. She loves vacations with me, or with me and the kids. And she loves a short list of sports, games. If I didn't make an effort on the activities front - we would be in a bad place. Same is true in reverse. 

There is a reason she is really angry at you. It isn't the battery. 







BrickWall said:


> First post - yee hah! Or not. I've been married to my W for 20+ years. We have three kids who are in their teens. Both of us work full time. We've been drifting apart for a long time. I think we were both so busy with work and taking care of the kids and doing all of that other stuff that seems to consume every waking moment that we were too shell-shocked to do anything about it early on. It is a lousy excuse, I know, but that's how it was. Neither of us have had affairs, substance problems, or any of those really heavy issues. She did suffer from clinical depression a few years ago, but is off the meds now. Fast forward to about six months ago. W is in a bad mood all the time and is frequently taking an impatient or angry tone with me. I say, "Are you angry at me?" Her response is always something like, "I had a bad day at work,' or "I'm not feeling well," or "I'm over tired." At first I took her at her word, but I felt that she was lying to me to get me to leave the room.
> 
> Jump ahead to last week. After getting that response yet again, I said, "Look, I'm not buying that excuse. You're chatting happily with the kids and then I walk in and you clam up. You're making me dread being in my own house. You're lousy at hiding your feelings - the'yre all over your face no matter what you say. So what's up?" So we start to talk (the kids are all at various activities so we have the house to ourselves). So she says, "I can't take any more. I've had it." I'm thinking, "Take what?" She says, "I can't trust you anymore. You've hurt me too many times." She's crying. I'm baffled because when she started with this moodiness, I made sure that I was extra helpful and extra solicitous. There were a few times that she made really nasty remarks to me and I did snap back at her, but for the most part I've been extra helpful. And that means that I've been doing half of the work around the house even though I work longer hours than she does.
> 
> ...


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