# More than two years in R



## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

I finally convinced myself to stop reading the avalanche of threads that this section of TAM always seems to attract long enough to give the community an update.

I'm not sure why this update felt harder to do than the one from last year, but I did give it some major thought. If I had to draw a conclusion, I would say that there is no adequate way to fully encompass with words the incredible, transformative, and immensely satisfying changes that have occurred in our marriage as a result of our willful and committed work on our relationship.

We have both grown as individuals, actively supporting each other through the process. Our communication skills continue to improve as we learn to frame and re-frame various ideas without making each other feel defensive or hurt. At times the communication is so good that we both think there is nothing left to improve, and then, seemingly out of nowhere, we will find yet another construct/script running through one mind or the other that can be dismantled, examined, and re-framed to more closely suit our needs at that time.

One of the most difficult things we often discuss is making sure we dont sit on our laurels expecting a medal or award for getting through a self inflicted injury and becoming complacent. Making sure old habits and patterns do not re-emerge, and holding each other to a high standard as well as accountable when we mess up or come up short of the mark.

There have been no breaches of any of our boundaries and no attempts by the POSOM to fish. The concepts that must be accepted early on in the process as "necessary components to reconciliation" such as NC and full transparency have simply become the normal operating procedures for our lives together. They do not feel foreign in any way, and seem as if they have always been there.

Paladin's Pride has been making major strides in her efforts to improve her mental health. With every passing month I see her actively pursuing tangible improvements. This time last year, her bad days would be 2-4 per week. Now it is 1-2 per month, and the severity and length of those episodes (mostly major depression and anxiety breakthroughs, typically co-occur with stress) is greatly reduced. If she wakes up on a low day, usually by the afternoon she is much better.

Physical intimacy has been great. Quite a few all nighters echoing the hysterical bonding nights we used to have early in the R. I dont have any intrusive thoughts, and honestly cant remember the last time I triggered. Some of you know that she posts on this forum, although very infrequently, but the language she uses in her posts when she reflects on the A is the same as she uses with me on almost a daily basis. Even though I have not needed to hear her say that she knows there is no timeline on this, and that she will always be committed to R, in well over a year, she still makes it a point to say it to me whenever anything even remotely relevant comes up in conversation. She struggles forgiving herself at times, but has made improvements in that area as well, knowing that being able to forgive herself at some point in time and move on to live a happy life with me is a requirement of R seems to motivate her to do that.

The saying "If you love what you do, you never work a day in your life." Is a perfect fit for R. The end results are so incredibly fulfilling that the work that goes into making it happen, never feels like a chore.

Thank you all for the kind words of support, they always mean a great deal to both of us. As things stand now, the updates for three years and onward will not be posted here, but instead will hopefully be posted in one of the other sections like 'Long Term Success' or 'Mental Health and M'

Feel free to ask any questions, I will try to answer everyone that asks.

-Paladin


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Hope your success continues. I will check your other threads when I get the chance. If I can think of questions after that, I would love to ask.

I am mostly here to learn. W's seem foreign to me, I don't understand them, but BS that choose to R and have any measure of success, are even farther from my understanding.

I really appreciate folks like you and your wife who share information with people who are trying to gain knowledge.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

That's amazing. So glad things are working out and you're both putting 100% in. Wish my partner would take a page from this (your) book.


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## Laurel (Oct 14, 2013)

Thank you so much for your post. Positive stories about R are few and far between here (mainly because I think that people who successfully R move on and don't come back here after the initial crisis). As for myself, I don't come to this site much anymore because I find it triggers me and I get depressed at all the negativity with regard to giving WS another chance. 

I am six months into R. Things are going so well. We have never been so connected and close. It really is mind-boggling. My H has turned into the man I always dreamed of. He has spent the last six months going above and beyond, doing anything and everything I ask, and everything that is necessary to fix what was broken. Meanwhile, I looked deep into myself and the things I had done to contribute to the state of our marriage. It is sad that we almost had to lose each other to realize what we had. 

R is a lot of work. It is painful. But it can definitely be worth it. I'm so glad you are doing so well.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Good lack Paladin, well done to you and Mrs Paladin. I wish I could say the same. 

Unfortunately my WS is unable to approach the topic of Recon let alone enact it. She does not have whatever it takes to meet me on this. Our Recon is false, we are in fact adversaries who mostly co-exist through longish detached periods; such as we are going through right now.

There is no major angst between us, or I should say it is just there below the surface waiting to explode, as it does from time to time, as it did 3 times on our recent holiday.

She is the chief breadwinner and I have been the SAHD / part time worker for 8 years. 

The truth is we have nothing - I have tried many times to broach the subject of active Recon but to no avail. Many times in the last 9 months any "discussion" (argument) has descended into blaming. Very nasty things were said on both sides - vile things. Her comment that sticks with me is "I will never be the woman you want me to be". She doesn't have to change anything apparently. 

There was a brief period of hysterical bonding way back but even that was a fizzer. The fact is she demonstrates no desire to Recon. My only question is - is she so damaged that she can't, even if she wanted to? 

Her drinking blocks it all out I suppose; then again maybe it is the simple fact that it was over long ago and we are going through a process until the children are more mature. Nothing is hinted at or admitted to; as though she is waiting for me to take action - "It's my home" she has said.

Plus she now has the new job with overseas travel 3 times a year so I guess she can do what she wants now with little chance of me knowing anything; after all she lied to me for more than a year - maybe much longer, maybe the whole relationship.

Most advice to me has been to stop the commentary and move on. I want to do this today but I do not have the finances to do it and there is the little thing about children. 

Wish I was in an active Recon / loving relationship like you. My WS seems to think that all is OK - I can't help thinking it is all an act. How could she be happy with this relationship where there is no affection / no intimacy at all?. Then again she does have the job, something to keep her occupied. I'm the one who does all the thinking.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Great update Padalin. It is so important to people struggling in their marriages to see the successes. Keep us updated and my best wishes for you and your wife. Great story.


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

That is great news! We are almost at 3 years and we are going strong still.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

What were the general reasons you decided to attempt to reconcile? Are there some reasons that all might consider to help them decide what to do?

What were the most important things that led you to believe it was going to work?

Would you say that the majority of the issues were based in false thinking? In other words, did you have to change your perspectives about what you believed your spouse was thinking, who you believed them to be, and what they stood for?

What was the moment or circumstance that you finally realised it was worth all the effort?


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Nice to hear a positive outcome. They seem to be so far and few between which is depressing.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I wish you both the best in your continued success.


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## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Thank you so much for your positive story and for the other who have responded regarding their positive stories. It's a nice breath of fresh air from reading all of the negativity and almost hate like comment people post on here.

Good luck in your continued reconciliation!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Just read enough of PP and your posts to get the gist of your story.

It is so damn crazy that I had real trouble reading a few posts.

Do you think you were divinely inspired? I know you love her but I seriously love my wife and would not have put up with it.

From your posts you seem to be handling this with intellect and conviction of your rationale.

I am going to try and read more but as PP has stated, it sometimes makes me ill just reading it.

I don't know if you believe in God but you seem like her miracle.


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## jules1990 (Jun 13, 2013)

I love a happy outcome, the end is nowhere near so, please keep coming back it inspires those of us still uncertain of our R.


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## DiamondsandRust (Jan 21, 2014)

i seen too many love movies with good endings, I'm a believer and I'm happy that love does triumph. best wishes.


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## pauslon (Nov 27, 2013)

Thank you for this. I am five months into D-day. It helps me to know others have had successful R as my wife and I attempt.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

It sounds like the POSOM realizes that you two are definitely committed to salvaging your marriage and that any contact he would try to make with her would be immediately rejected. Good luck to you and your wifey. :smthumbup:


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Wow, what a great story...so beautiful to read something like this.

It would be a rare and cherished dream to be able to achieve what you have posted here.

Thank you for sharing a thread of hope.

Best and brightest wishes to you.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Amplexor said:


> Great update Padalin. It is so important to people struggling in their marriages to see the successes. Keep us updated and my best wishes for you and your wife. Great story.


Thank you for the kind words. I found TAM to be a great help when I was first dealing with this issue, I also agree that success stories are essential to helping some people see the way through the darkness. Early in the process I recall talking to bewolf about his situation with morrigan, and finding it very encouraging when things seemed bleak. That is primarily why I still try to keep up with posting here, if my comments help someone in some way, its all worth it. 



2ntnuf said:


> What were the general reasons you decided to attempt to reconcile? Are there some reasons that all might consider to help them decide what to do?


Great questions, sorry for the delay in responding.

First of all, it is very important to realize that R is not something someone can decide to do on their own. Both spouses have to really commit to the process, or it stands no chance of succeeding. 

That being said, I would say the biggest general reason people should keep in mind when considering R is that we are all fallible and capable of making toxic, selfish, and damaging choices. We are not perfect, and we are not just the sum of our choices. This in no way justifies cheating, but it is a pretty well accepted fact that the problems leading up to infidelity in a marriage are usually 50/50, and it can sometimes be very difficult to see that when you are hurting.

For me, it came down to who I am as a person. I spent quite a bit of time on this topic in individual counseling, and came to the conclusion that I am a charitable person by nature, and I try to find the most charitable interpretation of every situation I'm faced with, especially situations that dont make sense. I knew in my heart of hearts that PP loved me, even when she was acting completely outside of her character. She was there somewhere, in the middle of a tempest, and I didnt want to give up on her. 

That of course meant that I had to be willing to D, and to this day, that was still the hardest thing I've ever had to come to terms with. I knew I couldnt continue to be her husband while she was having an affair, and laid those boundaries out for myself. It was ultimately her decision to stop the affair and go NC that allowed us to start on the road to R. 



2ntnuf said:


> What were the most important things that led you to believe it was going to work?


Her unrelenting commitment to working on our relationship and reconciliation, and her genuine desire to help me/us recover from the damage galvanized my belief that R would work out. 



2ntnuf said:


> Would you say that the majority of the issues were based in false thinking? In other words, did you have to change your perspectives about what you believed your spouse was thinking, who you believed them to be, and what they stood for?


Yes, absolutely. I know that false constructs or scripts that we bought into when we were growing up contributed greatly to the breakdown of our relationship. I think as people we should always be willing to change our perspectives on life and what it means, and who we are as individuals. We learn and grow on a daily basis, my outlook on life now is almost completely different than it was even 5 years ago. 

In fact, the unyielding belief that life was set in stone and was never going to be any different was a major factor in the breakdown of our relationship. We simply bought into the idea that we were the perfect couple without doing the work required to maintain that status (if it even exists)



2ntnuf said:


> What was the moment or circumstance that you finally realised it was worth all the effort?


Those moments occur on almost a daily basis, and usually revolve around seeing PP's smiling face, or waking up next to her in bed. The fact that she is alive and doing well is a gift I will be grateful for until the day I die. 



ConanHub said:


> Just read enough of PP and your posts to get the gist of your story.
> 
> It is so damn crazy that I had real trouble reading a few posts.
> 
> ...


Thank you for the kindness. If God is Love than yes, I was divinely inspired. I was baptized Russian Orthodox Christian when I was 14 in the US. Religion was illegal in the USSR when I was born so no exposure for me until I got here. As I grew older I began to study lots of religions and philosophies, and probably fit the definition of a Pagan more closely than a monotheist.

I would also be careful when making statements like "i would not have put up with it" you never really know until you are faced with the situation, and love can really overcome quite a bit. 



Horizon said:


> Unfortunately my WS is unable to approach the topic of Recon let alone enact it. She does not have whatever it takes to meet me on this. Our Recon is false, we are in fact adversaries who mostly co-exist through longish detached periods; such as we are going through right now.


I'm sorry to hear that, but R requires steadfast effort from both sides, if she is not working to make things better, there is little you can do to change the situation on your own. (short of D)



Horizon said:


> She is the chief breadwinner and I have been the SAHD / part time worker for 8 years.
> 
> The truth is we have nothing - I have tried many times to broach the subject of active Recon but to no avail. Many times in the last 9 months any "discussion" (argument) has descended into blaming. Very nasty things were said on both sides - vile things. Her comment that sticks with me is "I will never be the woman you want me to be". She doesn't have to change anything apparently.


I know SAHDs are generally held in poor regard on TAM, but I dont think you are being fair on yourself when you cite that fact. Two income homes, or homes where the female is the bread winner, are becoming more commonplace these days. Unless you were loafing around all day playing video games and doing jack ****, your SAHD/part time work status should not be a consideration.

I'm also confused as to what kind of woman she thinks you want her to be. The expectation of honesty, fidelity, and intimacy are not unreasonable and should be understood.



Horizon said:


> My only question is - is she so damaged that she can't, even if she wanted to?
> 
> Her drinking blocks it all out I suppose; then again maybe it is the simple fact that it was over long ago and we are going through a process until the children are more mature. Nothing is hinted at or admitted to; as though she is waiting for me to take action - "It's my home" she has said.


Substance abuse is a major hurdle for any kind of recovery. If she is coping with alcohol, you wont be able to answer the question you ask about her being too damaged to change if she wanted. Sobriety has to come before R is attempted, otherwise the complications are massive.



Horizon said:


> Plus she now has the new job with overseas travel 3 times a year so I guess she can do what she wants now with little chance of me knowing anything; after all she lied to me for more than a year - maybe much longer, maybe the whole relationship.
> 
> Most advice to me has been to stop the commentary and move on. I want to do this today but I do not have the finances to do it and there is the little thing about children.
> 
> Wish I was in an active Recon / loving relationship like you. My WS seems to think that all is OK - I can't help thinking it is all an act. How could she be happy with this relationship where there is no affection / no intimacy at all?. Then again she does have the job, something to keep her occupied. I'm the one who does all the thinking.


Its easy to tell someone to move on, especially if you dont have to walk in their shoes. However, I wont be the first person to tell you that you shouldn't stay for the kids, it will do more harm to them than good.

See a lawyer, figure out what your options/obligations would be. I assume that you would be entitled to alimony since she was the earner, but I'm not sure how that works. It was a difficult thing for me to do, but seeing an attorney and discussing things can sometimes make the uncertainty less daunting.

You deserve to be happy and to be loved. If your wife does not want to be the one to do that for you, someone else will. You just have to decide that you want more from life than you currently get. Your concern about future infidelity is valid. Even if she doesnt sleep around on you when she travels, her unwillingness to help you be at ease about the situation will always make you doubt, and that doubt will poison your soul. I hope things go better for you soon.


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