# Relapse by wayward spouse with OM



## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

My wife had another email address she had created when she was still in the A. We have been R for about 3 months. I had asked repeatedly about other email messenger or phones since R and she told me there were none. I discovered she had sent the OM a text from this account about an email right after her father died. I confronted her because there were no emails in or out of the account. She had deleted everything. I told her initially that was it. We had a NC agreement, she broke it and I was done. She insisted it was in her grief and she only told offer fathers death with no I love yous or miss you in the message. I expressed my pain that she lied about the account and did not tell me of the contact when I voiced concern that she would turn to him In her grief which she insisted she wouldn't. I backed off and told her I wouldn't D but that my confidence and trust had been severely shaken if not destroyed. She hadn't even told her IC and insisted she would in her next session. Because she was so close to her dad I've had to back off any marital discussions and cancel MC appts. We went to see our son the last three days with my youngest daughter so we haven't been able to talk. Gotta run. Will add more later
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

After an affair, it's either "all in" or over! She needs to understand this! You can't rebuild trust and save a marriage if she's sneaking. She needs to emotionally suffer the same loss that you are suffering. She needs to end the contact and feel the pain by not communicating with him.


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## Xena (Feb 11, 2011)

That's bull****. If there was nothning to hide, why hide it?
What is more important, her relationmship to you or letting this guy know about something in HER FAMILY that he has no business to know...as your wife a death in her family is YOUR business, as you are by marriage, family. NO CONTACT means NO CONTACT. Divorce this ***** and get a wife who understands the English language (i.e. NO contact does not mean SOME CONTACT or ONE EMAIL or and ESPECIALLY NOT SECRET CONTACT).

Seriously...WTF?! if there's nothing to hide...HIDE NOTHING. Ditch her. You're better than that. She's treated you and your feelings with total and utter lack of respect and had you not discovered this on your own it doesn't sound like she'd have told you.

She's shown she is happy to break NC and not get caught...who knows what else she is not telling you?


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

So sorry to hear 8. Do what's best for you, morale support flying your way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

I plan on going over it in the next MC session. I presently have lost almost all of my confidence and trust. There is a small part of me that says she was overwhelmed with grief but I've told her it hurts severely that she was hiding an email, lying about it because I asked repeatedly if there were any and then going to him. I don't know what I want to do. Part of me says it was a one time reaction. Part of me says the lying hasn't stopped and the fact that she did this means it's still going on even though she insists it it isn't. My confidence in her is so severely torn up I feel like telling her I'm done for good and then a couple of hours later I feel like I can't give up. I know there is no way I can ever be certain there us not a prepaid cell or another email or that she is communicating from work. Been so far down and barely up lately. She is planning to head to see her mother tomorrow and I feel like telling her she needs to stay home so we can talk. In the dumps and not sure I can pull out this time
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

You know, as people we dont like change much. Kind of ironic that change is the only consistant thing in our lives, huh?

Pain has a purpose. It lets us know something is wrong. It lets us know we need to pay attention to something and that something need to change. A sore back tells you to slow down your activity or to see a doctor. Well this is no different. 

Let's work this out like a math problem... Since we can not change other people. And she is not changing on her own... There are only two things POSSIBLE to change. YOU or Your Environment. 

If you change YOU, then that means one of two things. 

A. letting the balls drop a little and becoming assertive and proactive in laying out your demands and requirements for a marriage to continue. This means adopting a zero tolerence policy.

or

B. Changing your environment. Also Known as "Leave"

Look, Ive been in two marriages with each one having an affair. One ended in divorce, one is currently under the "saved" categorey. The whole infidelity thing is pretty easy to figure out as long you remember a few things. 

Forgiveness is not Acceptance. Acceptance is not Tolerence. You can never unlearn what you know. Never sway from your criteria for redemption. 

The emotional crap will end. It really will. Either you will just not give a crap, or you will learn to deal with it in a "matter of fact" way. If you divorce you will probably never give it another thought, but it will change your perceptions. The point is, that the emotional damage will work out eventually. Dont let your actions reflect your emotions. NEVER EVER do that. Act logically and responsibly, not emotionally.

Take a deep breath, let the emotions fade for a moment or "give it to God" then look at this as objectively as possible. The answer will come to you a lot quicker than you think.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

8,
I want to believe it will never happen to me, but I/we just never know. I wish I had something wise to say but I just don't. Man, I hope for the best, and you will come out ahead no matter what.

Stay focused and remember we diserve good things and we diserve to be happy.. period


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sorry, I threw up in my mouth a little.

I think we work on this crap b/c in the end as we retire we will be happy with the one we took vows with "for better or for worse"
Well you know my deal, the jury is still out in who treated who worse, but for you I want to believe it will work out ...you know the marriege and all.

We have are reasons to carry on but when sh*t like this happens it just makes you doubt.

What been her response to......what ever... her dad, her OM, you?


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

8,

nuttin' we havent read before here at TAM.

even tho' u think/talk tough, u wont be until u follow a 
plan u've already made up for REPEAT OFFENDER cases
just like this one.

i could "wax on" forever with pt after pt but, best u read up 
on Andrews (gosh, whats his number/id again?)thread.
u'll see/read he's taking the bull er, the cow by the horns
and getting ready to drop the hammer down w/out her even 
knowing its coming. no whining. no crying. just cool, calm
collected legal maneuvering that the ladies usually pull on 
the gents these days. 
[sorry ladies, but u know its true....usually]

man up i say.........but only after u pray. ray:


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

RWB said:


> 8,
> 
> What the hell is she thinking. You give her a chance at something real, something whole, something forever. Does she not understand that there are no more second chances. You are her only choice. My wife cheated on me for 6 years. When I found out it was all or nothing. I gave her 1 chance, 1 hour, 1 moment... me or she will be gone like from me and our children like a passing mist of morn. Was that hard on her, YES. But so is life.
> 
> It is TIME TO DECIDE!


I have to agree, the time is now. She knew she wasn't supposed to contact him, right? That's the same as if, I get arrested for drug dealing. I know upon my release from prison that I'm not supposed to do it again, so there's no excuse for me to do it again as far as the judge is concerned. 

If she's feeling that down about the loss, you, her husband, are the man to turn to. You tried to pick up the pieces and soldier on for the marriage and that's admirable and the most we can expect from you, she's the one that has to get it together. Maybe leaving her alone will help her with that, when she's by herself with no one else to cuddle with her but her decisions and actions, she'll have no choice but to figure it out and maybe, if you're still into her later, you can work together to build your marriage up bigger and better than before.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

8 years I have been following your progress and can not express my sadness at this development. 

When I first read of your situation, I felt that you wife was in love with the other man and kept you around for security and does not care how you feel. She is with you for the security you continue to provide her. She had the secret email account ready and waiting for until you were lulled into a sense of security and then she planned to begin the machinations again. She loves this man and will never let him go. He is the father of one of her children even. She was married to him for all of the time she was with you and gave him up because she was found out. 

She has the best of two would all of needs are met with two men, however, none of your needs are being met. Why stay in this ask your self that. Because you love her, no you love what you have convinced yourself she is not who she really is. She seems to be a heartless, lying, narcissistic , soulless shell of a women with no compassion or morality. Are you sure you want to trust your heart to that. 

8 years she is unlikely to ever to commit to you in a loving caring relationship. You are useful to her but it seems that it is no more than that. I can not think of any other interpretation of her continued deception sneakiness and lies. She will never stop, you can never trust her she will always find her way back to this man. This will likely be a repeating cycle if you stay with her. Each time she will have a ready made justification for hurting you because you are not important enough to her to worry about your emotions. 

I hope you take the steps to deny her the security that she does not deserve. You will be fine with out her she however will never find the security that you provided and her lover will not provide her with that security, she is not important enough to him. Get rid of her let her taste the consequences of her choices. Please think and examine the meaning of this development and how much peace and happiness you will eventually have when she is no longer using you. 

The best revenge is to live well, when you recover you will have no problem meeting someone that will return your love, respect your steadfastness and cherish you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

You know, a lot of people are going to come on and say "Throw her out!" or "Man up!" but I'm going to say something different. 

This is up to you. You need to decide what you are and are not willing to put up with--and then live with your decision. 

Look, we don't live in your skin or at your home. None of us have to look at your kids as you put them to bed at night. None of us even KNOW you! You do. You know you; you live in your skin, in your home, with your kids. You know what you can stand and what you can not. 

So I would, at minimum, suggest that you ask her to stay with a friend or with her mom until you've had some time to yourself to think. I would possibly even suggest that you take a day or two off work so you can "get away" and really think about yourself, what you want, what you believe, who you want to be, how much you can endure, and what you want to be for your kids. THEN based on those answers, make a plan how you intend to act, and then ACT. Be deliberate and be in line with the Inner You. We can't decide that for you or even tell you what to do--only you can do that. Some people might be able to endure 6 months of waiting...some 6 weeks...some "decide now, leave or go". Really what we can tell you is that choosing to have an affair to address the issues in your marriage is definitely wrong. Choosing to continue an affair after you're found out is definitely wrong. Choosing to re-contact after claiming that you're trying to reconcile--even if it's in grief over the death of your father--is wrong. So we already know she has done wrong, and we already know she is willing to lie and place the blame "on her grief" :bsflag: The question is this: do you choose to reconcile?

I can say that I won't be one encouraging you to just end your marriage. I can also remind you that unfaithfulness is the one moral, ethical reason given in almost every religious and legal system I know to divorce your spouse with a free conscience. You have the right--there is absolutely no doubt of that. The question is whether you are going to choose to exercise that right. I can also say on a personal level that if it were me, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't just "end the marriage" but I sure as heck would count that as an *enormous *boundary crossing with consequences that matched that sort of devastation. I would probably go with, at minimum, a separation of X endurance, and whilst holding VERY little hope, give that X endurance to see exactly what deep and dire changes were made...with an attitude a little bit of "I'm not helping one bit but you have X months to prove to me it is or is not worth it to exercise my right. The end." Finally I can also say that I would be someone who encourages you to forgive her--not based on whether or not she apologizes or is remorseful, but based on the fact that holding onto the pain and grudge will hurt YOU. Whether you two reconcile is irrelevant--even if you divorce, at some point forgive her for yourself...and let her deal with her demons.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

By the time she walked out of here last night to go see her girlfriend, she was so angry she told me she wasn't sure she wanted to severe all contact with the OM. She said she couldn't live under the scrutiny of me checking phone numbers, emails, texts etc. and felt like a prisoner. By the time she came back from seeing her friend (I'm sure that's where she went) she said she didn't need to tlak to the oM but that the watching constantly had to stop and that we had marital problems to work on. I told her I know and have known that but we haven't had the time to get started becuase of her dad and going to see my son. When she said she couldn't cut contact before leaving it tore my heart out. We are going today to see the MC and all of this will be discussed. I don't understand how to strike a balance with her not wnating to be spied on at all and this last discovery I know I can't watch everyhting and she could sneak if she wanted to so I guess the checking up is kinda worthless anyway. When I don't find anything it builds my trust. When I do like this last time, it blows it all completely out. I've tried to be unobtrusive about it and have not pestered her with questions. It does trigger me when she is on the phone texting constantly to ask who it is. The trigger is because that is how she used to communicate when I was out of the room with the OM. I'm not sure how to strike a balalnce and still not be on edge that she is back at it. I really feel her statements last night were way over the top and don't know if she was just trying to shake me up, getting me back for blowing up about the contact or really was ready to throw it all over. She said at the time, she was. Confidence is really blown now. We will see what happens in MC later.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Put your helmet on:-

How does MC help when your wife is still in the affair even it it is now emotional or in her heart. Do you really think have a nice cosy chat will change her from being a wayward.

This is where you are today, you are scared to deal with this head on, you are not willing or able to change the marriage as you think you have a way forward even though your wife is on a different page. You do not even know if the OM is out of the picture, you think his wife may know he is an affair , what may have happened is your wife could have - would have told the OM and he intercepted the note.

Why does your wife not feel the need to be open , because she has something to hide, she is not ashamed, the bar has not been set high enough, she knows you are fearful and will continue to push those boundaries untill you leave or stay on her terms.

A starting point is to assume you have no marriage , ensure the OM is permanently out of her life, contact his wife and verify she knows of the affair and ALL the details. You sit with your wife , set those boundaries, she takes a polygraph to ensure there are no more secrets hidding in her locker. STOP taking responsibility for her affair, she has to do everything to secure your trust and love. You must be prepared to walk away and if you do she is to know that you will sit with the children and family and tell them why, warts and all.

You want to save your marriage then save it , carrying on as you have been has not delivered the goods.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

8yearscheating. Your wife has been in a very long term relationship with a man who is not her husband. In fact, she’s been 20 years in that relationship which is a lot longer than some marriages. Some say for every year of a relationship it takes one month to get over it. So 20 years, it’s going to take one year and eight months for your wife to get over her relationship with OM.

“Getting over it” starts out with the grieving process. The first six months are full of deeply felt intense emotions, there is a whole grieving process to go through for your wife.

But your wife isn’t grieving, is she? Why isn’t she grieving? Because she has not ended her affair with the OM and come to the conclusion that her relationship with him is absolutely and non negotiably over and done with. The OM is her emotional confident. You aren’t. She is treating you like a piece of ****e and still you hang on in there taking more and more abuse from her.

Bob


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

8yearscheating said:


> By the time she walked out of here last night to go see her girlfriend, *she was so angry she told me she wasn't sure she wanted to severe all contact with the OM.*
> 
> RED FLAG
> 
> ...


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## bluesky (Jan 29, 2011)

> but that the watching constantly had to stop


Of course it does, so you don't catch her again.
Transparency is the cornerstone of recovery.
She is trying to make you feel guilty over it.......DONT!

Apply the 180 to knock her off the fence asap.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Affaircare, we talked again this morning and she says she doesn't even fell like she can have a private conversation with her girl friends and is tired of the constant questioning. She says she has put herself and her needs aside like she had to with bipolar son with caring for me and needs to focus on herself. I'm going to go over this with the mC today. I don't know if I can put complete trust in her so soon and she says if I don't we can't stay together. She has romantically detached from me since she found out my phone had her email accounts listed where I could see them and she felt I lied to her by not telling her I was watching them though she knew I could. I feel disconnected and lost and not sure it is reasonable for her to expect me to stop checking up on her.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

With all due respect but what is the matter with you people to be advising this man to stay in this abusive, evil situation with this woman. 

I most strenuously DISAGREE. Where is the sense to his well being, what does he get out of staying. She gets to go out with her girlfriends and fret about being bothered by a man she deceived for 20 yrs. 

Please explain to me what mental state does he need to contort himself so that he continues living with this woman? Should he emulate a lap dog waiting for an occasional pat on the head? 

Who is looking out for him as a human being? Certainly not this woman who he is being advised to continue allowing himself to be used. Does she matter more than he? Who is supporting him, carrying some of the burden of his pain? 

This woman was essentially married got to have a romantic relationship with another man while being supported by a man who did the heavy lifting to bring up kids and maintaining a stable home. 

So now she is dictating terms to him like he owes her something. I will not comment again but I am outranged at how he is being treated and how he is being supported to continuing to allow himself to be a slave to this unworthy woman. Sorry that's how I feel.

8 - I wish you the very best of love and solace, you are one the most deserving people on this forum. I know you will be alright in time whatever you decide to do. 

"Blessed are the merciful for they shall obtain mercy" 

Sermon on the Mount, Gospel of Matthew​


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

I appreciate everyones concern for me. Yes it hurts. But i also understand I have been a pest about checking on her. I'm going to take a chance and drop my guard. We will see how it turns out. If I'm being an idiot lowering my defences I'll soon find out. I want her happy to be with me with me or this marriage will never work. All the snooping in the world is not going to stop her. There are too many ways around anything I watch. She knows she shouldn't have contacted him even if it was only to let him know about her dad because he was long time friend of the family and nows she can never do it again for any reason. We will see if she can have the same faith in me not snooping as I'm being asked to have in her.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

For god sakes 8, you aren't being a "pest" for checking up on her, you are trying to protect you world from further harm. I would worry if you DIDN'T check.

She is not empathetic to you. My wife went through a stage like that and I put up all the same rationalization you are and suffered. In the end saying I'm done and meaning it turned things around. 

Brilliant quote from Dr Glover (No More MR Nice Guys): Hope keeps all suffering in place.

It's time to be realistic.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Ignorance is bliss, giving your trust to a cheater is like telling a drug addict not to touch the 3lbs of cocaine sitting in front of them while you go out for a while.

I wished I remembered who that one poster was, always coming to say his wife did it to him again. But he's willing to give her all the space and trust in the world. And guess what, same post, same broken record. He had all the evidence in the world and he buried his head in the sand hoping that she'll eventually see him as the knight in shining armor again.

Guess what, give a cheater time to play it out and in the end the cheated loses almost everytime. If the OM or OW kicks us out, guess what, the sucker, I mean loving spouse will always take us back.


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> You know, a lot of people are going to come on and say "Throw her out!" or "Man up!" but I'm going to say something different.
> 
> This is up to you. You need to decide what you are and are not willing to put up with--and then live with your decision.
> 
> ...


Well said I will just copy and. Paste that to my thread......hang in there 8.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

lemme put it this way....

i'm for forgiveness 1st; reconciliation 2nd; personal/couples
growth third; oh, of course Spirituality trumps all/everything
in above list. 

i think its easy for some/many to blur the lines btwn these
salient pts. yes, they can be intertwined, and often should
indeed be but, sometimes (your time/case? dunno...) they ARE and SHOULD BE totally separate pts.
TOO many folk come here and preach "no-breach" philosophy
of marriage, making marriage an IDOL unto itself (almost).
Jesus spoke on adultery. Question is, what do u get out of 
what HE said?

i know for example, if i were facing a DS situation i didnt have 
the strength for a/reconciliation/turning my cheek/etc
i wouldnt wanna hear about "keep it together" stuff.

but even divorcing her, i would have to come to forgiveness
as quick as i could, pretty much as AC has stated already.
*THATS* where i would put my focus/emphasis. *FORGIVENESS*.

If your W is as bad (or worse?) as u say, then i'd have to 
freak her out with a "i dont care" attitude. i'd literally laugh
at her with any of her antics trying to get my goat etc.
i'd tell her hey, when u grow up and see how foolish u r acting
or being, then i'll still be here taking care of my bizness.

MY Rock of course would be Jesus. Only with him and Gods
strength could i do this. And she'd know this. For truly i tell u
and the whoooooole room that, when H's/W's adulter, they're
giving in to demonic spirits, period. sorry if u dont believe in 
boogie men, or think that by ignoring them then they dont exist.

Most non-spiritual victims (some christians too) ask the 
question how could he/she do this to me??? why, we just 
did such n such, bought such n such, shared such....etc.
Look at who they were......and who they are now. You think
they just morphed? You think they were this way inside all 
along? You think 'cuz their mom died...yada yada?

NO.

We are spiritual beings, or better put, "conduits" for spiritual 
manifistations of good n evil. take a look with this perspective
sometime if u havent already. u'll see the tell-tale signs.

ah....but as paul harvey used to say......."but THATS another
story.." ( for another thread perhaps )

shalom...........


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

SHe went to see her mom for a couple of days to keep her company. She is also decompressing and letting me know what we need to do get past her feelings of tension with me - something I hope she continues to do. We will see how it goes when she gets back. She talked about my request for time together and how we can start creating more activities together. Feel like we are making progress.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

You're a good man 8yrs


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Just want o add one thing to those of you who think monitoring works. It only works if the WS makes a mistake. There are preapid cell phones available everywhere and unless you find one, you can't monitor it. There is work email and work telephones you also can't monitor. Email or face book names - how many would you like.
If anyone thinks monitoring will work, your nuts unless your WS is in your face about it. I can understand her being unhappy under a cloud of distrust. If this marriage is going to work, we BOTH have to trust each other. If I get stung doing it, I think I'll be bale ot see the signs in her behaviour. One of her commitments ot me is that if she ever decides she wants to go elsewhere, she will end it with me before hand. Again - here I go trusting.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

tell me more - was it onstar RWB?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You guys are all right on with regards to snooping, Hell I quess I just keep doing it out of false sence of security. I thing the only thing that keeps us going is the pure fact that the only time she is not around is when she at work. I mean her life right now is how it was the 1st 7 years of marriage I if you all remember 19 yrs of marraiag/13 yrs cheating. I just get the feeling its back, I just don't check up every day like I use to.

It hard to b*tch when she tells me this guy called and that guy called. She not responding to them. I have found not another phone but I just believe/feel that were heading in a health direction. What sucks, is the unknown...how long will it last?

I quess the point is we diserve to be habby and have good things and when that stops and our spouse prevent us from being happy how much can we put up with?

For me I'm happy, the fasle sence of security the openness, there is alot there, the tuff part for me is the clingyness of it all. when we where in out 20s it drove me away and into the arms of others, now in my 40s Im allttle more patient I quess. I think I looka the alturnitive and except the fact that i need to be there more.

Sh*t sorry 8, I started to go off on a tangent, so for not have any real strong advise or any real perspective I apoligize.

All of this reply can have been easily pointed to one thing, that is... we all diserve to be happy and we diserve good things.

For me I'm happy being the cheater police and excepting the false security I have. weird !


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

8yearscheating said:


> just want o add one thing to those of you who think monitoring works. It only works if the ws makes a mistake. There are preapid cell phones available everywhere and unless you find one, you can't monitor it. There is work email and work telephones you also can't monitor. Email or face book names - how many would you like.
> If anyone thinks monitoring will work, your nuts unless your ws is in your face about it. I can understand her being unhappy under a cloud of distrust. If this marriage is going to work, we both have to trust each other. If i get stung doing it, i think i'll be bale ot see the signs in her behaviour. One of her commitments ot me is that if she ever decides she wants to go elsewhere, she will end it with me before hand. Again - here i go trusting.


Your wife has to earn your trust *before* you give it to her again.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

She spent three months working hard at earning it. Her relapse happened the day after her father died and all she did was send notice of his death. I guess I'm giving her a pass on the basis of how close to her father she was and how deep her grief was. She showed extreme regret for her mistake. Things have improved dramatically between us. She knows there will be no other excuses accepted
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Xena (Feb 11, 2011)

Good luck 8years. I know my reply before might have been harsh but I can see what you mean by how you just put it then. I hope you can have the love you deserve.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

8yearscheating said:


> She spent three months working hard at earning it. Her relapse happened the day after her father died and all she did was send notice of his death. I guess I'm giving her a pass on the basis of how close to her father she was and how deep her grief was. She showed extreme regret for her mistake. Things have improved dramatically between us. She knows there will be no other excuses accepted
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


From what you’ve said before 8years, especially how your wife got annoyed about you snooping, I think you are deluding yourself. You were naive for what 20 years? You still sound that way at least to me.

Bob


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So...you backed down and agreed to stop monitoring her, I guess?


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

If she had nothing to hide, she shouldn’t care if you snoop. It should be boring girl stuff that you wouldn’t be interested in anyway. My wife doesn’t care if I overhear all her conversations or read her emails and I have all her passwords. I don’t care if she hears mine either.

It’s obvious your wife isn’t completely interested in being with you 8. If she really cared she would not only agree to all the snooping but encourage it to put your mind at ease. Right now she is too narcissistic to do anything for you other than the bare minimum to keep you around for support.

They only way you are going to get any real change out of her and motivate her is to kick her to the curb and make her beg her way back. Even then, you have to ask yourself why be with someone who doesn’t respect you or want to be with you? You’d be shock how easy it is to find someone else that doesn’t have all this baggage. When I was separated from my wife I tried dating and had to turn some women down. Getting dates was super easy and I’m didn’t even try.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

You know what folks, If I took to heart all of the negative BS I see on here and followed it, I would already be divorced. You have to think of the other person in marriage as well. You have heard my view that monitoring is waste of time. If she wants to do something, she can find a way around almost anything I do with only a few exceptions that are stupid costly. Email mail monitoring.....which account, free ones are clicks away. Phone....any big box sells prepaids you can't track and then there's work phones. GPS trackers...park the car and leave it. At some point you just have to make up your mind your giving yourself false security. If the relationship is not going great and you can't tell the behaviors that accompany cheating then your not doing the right things to make both of you happy. If the WS is not happy.......do ya think they might be encouraged to return to cheating if their not? Keep all the alpha BS. I'm not a dog and I don't treat my spouse like one.


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## Xena (Feb 11, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> You know what folks, If I took to heart all of the negative BS I see on here and followed it, I would already be divorced. You have to think of the other person in marriage as well. You have heard my view that monitoring is waste of time. If she wants to do something, she can find a way around almost anything I do with only a few exceptions that are stupid costly. Email mail monitoring.....which account, free ones are clicks away. Phone....any big box sells prepaids you can't track and then there's work phones. GPS trackers...park the car and leave it. At some point you just have to make up your mind your giving yourself false security. If the relationship is not going great and you can't tell the behaviors that accompany cheating then your not doing the right things to make both of you happy. If the WS is not happy.......do ya think they might be encouraged to return to cheating if their not? Keep all the alpha BS. I'm not a dog and I don't treat my spouse like one.


:iagree::iagree:

This forum is full of people that have been hurt, especially this section. There's nothing wrong with that, but it's good to recognise that most of us will act like people who are hurting. And you know how people who are hurting tend to act and think.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

I completely understand it. It is just not productive in trying to repair a relationship and staying forever the victim. Both parties need help in healing the marriage. At some point, you have to move on and hope for the best. If your WS is going to stray, you are literally powerless to stop it other than repairing your relationship and being the better choice.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I agree...to a point. When the WS has recently initiated contact, for whatever reason, it starts up the affair all over again in their minds, usually, so you have to realize that they will be back to thinking about OM a LOT and hence, more likely to reconnect and recontact. Unless they have truly moved on from OM. Doesn't sound like yours has. Your choice, of course. But your danger, as well.

As you didn't answer my question, I'll take it from your responses that you did, indeed, promise not to snoop any more. 

Good luck.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

8 - The way I think about snooping is this: As a betrayed spouse I have the foremost responsibility to protect myself emotionally. If I need to snoop to create the emotional safety, I have no hesitation or remorse in doing so. The reason is that my personal well being is imperative for me to look after the well being of my loved ones. If I'm a wreck, or operating under false information, i can't be an effective man, father or husband.

Now, you may choose not to snoop, but I'd encourage you to make that choice because it serves your own well-being, NOT because it placates her desire for secrecy. I'd also reserve the right to change your mind at any time.

Make sense?

For me, I hardly ever snoop anymore because I don't feel a need to and my well being isn't threatened. If that changed, for whatever reason, I wouldn't hesitate to snoop again.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Just want to add that the above applies to my wife as well. If her well being was threatened, I would fully expect her to snoop on me. 

The reasons for this is because lying is a way to control the choices of another person. You can choose to stay and fight for your marriage, but, at least for me, I needed to do it knowing what was really going on.


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## bluesky (Jan 29, 2011)

I agree that snooping has to stop at some point........USUALLY AFTER TRUST HAS BEEN RE-ESTABLISHED.

This USUALLY takes several years, with both parties committed.
She has ALREADY failed multiple trust boundaries very recently.

It's your life my man.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Hell yes the WS is going back to cheating if there not happy. Call it self preservation. Hell why they'd leave or stray in the 1st place? Well it usually happens like this,
You get busy, she gets lonely, she finds a friend who is not a friend, just wants her pants off, she falls for it and he makes a move. she has had attention in some time so it feels good.

So, you do your job as a husband and she does her job as a wife and everybodies happy.

Well when someone important passes away, things can go side ways, and sh*t happens. Over all is 8's wife happy, no her dad just died.
Hang in there 8 I just felt like piping in. I'm thinking when "the guy's wife" comes home from work, I'll get her perspective.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

I'm hanging. As for up to 7 years, that means things really aren't working if it takes that long to rebuild trust. If anyone thinks I'm going to be blind, your wrong. I will be watching, just not pestering her and making her feel like she's under a microsope. An the watching I do will be infrequent - not the obsession it was becoming.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's fine by me.

What exactly have you guys done to improve your relationship?


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

We asre setting up more free time together as well as planning some activiities we can do together. We are planning a weekend away soon. Things are very loving and comforting between us.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Relapse? So having sex with other people is like having cancer? Sometimes it comes back on its own no matter what?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What about a weekly discussion of how your relationship is going?


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

We talk every day about something ot do the with reconciliation or the affair. She is aware that we need to answer the question of why it happened - the real reason she went that way and how her depression was involved and how that will be treated. We are also working on resolving what it was in our marriage that created the fertile ground - both on her part and mine.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Runs like a dog - she has had only one email in the last 3 months. ANd yes I forgave it based on the grief she was in about her dad dying. She has promised she will never attmpt any contact again.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

8yearscheating said:


> We talk every day about something ot do the with reconciliation or the affair. She is aware that we need to answer the question of why it happened - the real reason she went that way and how her depression was involved and how that will be treated. We are also working on resolving what it was in our marriage that created the fertile ground - both on her part and mine.


Great, that's very positive. Stay the course, try to control your emotions and start building your value to her - MEM's advice, nice guy stuff, and regular exercise. You can reconcile AND create a better life for yourself.

I've written this before, it comes from Dr Glover, the Mr Nice Guy author - Make your life the cake, your woman the icing on the cake.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> Runs like a dog - she has had only one email in the last 3 months. ANd yes I forgave it based on the grief she was in about her dad dying. She has promised she will never attmpt any contact again.


I just don't like the framework of that, like falling off the wagon. I guess some men and women are addicted to the wayward eye....but that's kind of extraordinary. "Relapse" implies you have an expectation of failure. Do you?


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

Haven't been on your thread in a while sounds like another roller coaster. Snooping hmm technology the tool that makes having an affair easy also makes it at first easy to catch them until they start using third party apps that u can't prove.
Hopefully none of us have to deal with that. Snooping uses way to much energy.

So did I miss it was it onstar that gps tracked or what make and models......yup I snoop, best offense is a good defense.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Onstar will not give out anything except to the police. Find my iPhone is free. There is also a paid service called ATT family map that does notify the mapped party they can be located every couple of weeks. 
Yes dog, I was very concerned about the email. But again, I can stay mired in doubt and fear and hypervigilant driving her nuts or start to move forward and forgive- not forget
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Update. MC has gotten to the core of the issues we both had. My wife now clearly understands my need for the marriage to ALWAYS come first. I understand how she developed a lack of self esteem from my rants. She told me today she is now 100% ready to retake our vows. She wants to confess and talk with a priest 1st knowing full well that while he will tell her God has forgiven her, she has a lot of work to do with me to make up for her severe trespasses against me and should be extremely grateful I stayed and worked through it with her and have forgiven her. She also wants to tell our adult daughter and son what happened and be honest. As far as my youngest, she won't give her the details but will tell her she Did some terrible things to me and was at fault for the problems we were having adding that I was a special man to fight for our marriage. She gets it!!!! I'm elated to say the least and know she means every word of it. I know we still have a lot of work to do. A least we are not at the cliffs edge any longer. Looking back through this thread, I want to thank everyone immensely who supported me. For those of you still searching for trust, it comes with time and actions by your wayward spouse to support you, love you, and the right actions. My trust will never be blind like before, but, I do need to focus on the future to survive and so does the marriage. I stick by my belief that fixing the marriage is the only solution. Snooping is only a temporary relief to your fears and a false hope that your protecting yourself. There are too many ways for a WS to go underground that cannot be detected 
Thanks again and will continue to post our progress
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Wow! Great update!


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

Glad it "seems" to be working out. I can't go through something like that- the monitoring, the keeping tabs on her, the intrusive nature of it all; just don't need the aggravation. Works for some though. Stay up, my man.


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

Great to hear 8 you posted a thanks to me on my thread, not quite sure how I helped. But your welcome then? Good to hear some posotive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Thanks for this update 8years. It is encouraging to know that a couple CAN come back after infidelity and really actually recover. I personally hope that just knowing that it is possible will give some folks hope to hang in there and work hard. 

BTW, I am so happy for you!


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

To quote one of the greatest philosophers of our time: "WooHoo!!!"


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

More great progress. She has talked to all three kids and I see a change in attitude from my youngest. Didn't want or expect her to divulge the affair. Just explain it was her this time and she was very thankful I stuck with her even though I should of left. She's confessed to a Priest who gave her a penance of praying to god to thank him for giving her such an extroadinary man that would stay with her and implored her to never abuse me again. She's very loving and happy to be back not living a split life. I continue to work on me. Now I need to quit smoking again. Things are great. She's had breathing problems since her knee surgery 4 weeks ago. The have been putting her through a gamut of testing on her heart but haven't found anything which has her very frustrated and worried. I pray everything works out with her health soon. She realizes everything I do and have done for her and gets that it warrants looking at why I might get upset and understanding it as opposed to taking it like a knife in the gut or a put down on her. I really love the woman she is becoming and am being vigilant about working on my temper and mouth. 
Here's to the future AGAIN!!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

twotimeloser said:


> You know, as people we dont like change much. Kind of ironic that change is the only consistant thing in our lives, huh?
> 
> Pain has a purpose. It lets us know something is wrong. It lets us know we need to pay attention to something and that something need to change. A sore back tells you to slow down your activity or to see a doctor. Well this is no different.
> 
> ...


You give great advice. Even though this was not directed at me personally, the words in it hit home for me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Good to hear.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Again: WooHoo!


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

Fantastic !!!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Right on


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I have read all your threads and all I can say is wow! You are an amazing man. I wish you and your wife many happy years!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

pidge70 said:


> I have read all your threads and all I can say is wow! You are an amazing man. I wish you and your wife many happy years!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree::smthumbup:


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Thanks Pidge and Disbelief. I'm far from perfect. It took pulling my own head out my ass and realizing my aggressive nature that I use at work is not for home and my wife. We are both doing the heavy lifting and my wife deserves credit as well.


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