# Ok to have crush and talk to them when married?



## lithband (Jun 18, 2011)

just wanted to start by saying thanks in advance for the replies from the wise people on this site. I have been "lingering" and reading up on some of the stories/advice and i feel like maybe its time to get some help of my own and gather some advice.

My wife and I have been married since 2007 (4 years now) we have been together exclusively since 2003. I am now 26 and my wife is 27. We also have 2 wonderful daughters ages 4 and 1. I love my wife and my family and consider myself to be a great guy to them and just in general there is nothing i would not do for my family.

However I can't get over this thing with my wife and I am suck. I don't know if its me being to "jealous" or if my thoughts are correct and this should not be going on. My wife has had a crush on this guy since right before we were pregnant with our first daughter also before we got married. The guy was a friend of my brother in law. She claims she doesn't have this crush anymore but by how she acts to me it just does not appear this way.

Back when we were pregnant it was a mess. I found sexual texts on her phone back and forth to each other from this person. I know she did not physically cheat on me but definitely she did emotionally. I also found out she went to meet this person alone 2 or 3 times that i know of. 2 times they apparently just talked in a gas station parking lot and the other time she went over to his house and was interrupted by his roommate/sisters boyfriend so they could not do anything. Once I found the texts and a letter on the computer figuring out a plan to have sex sometime when i was at work that is when I confronted her about everything. I also called the guy and told him I knew what was going on and to stop everything they were doing. I told my wife she was not to be in contact with him and they were not to see each other unless they HAD to because her sister lived with this guy at the time with her boyfriend. Of course she turned the blame into my fault and i shouldnt be snooping and that they are just going to be friends now blah blah blah. Basically she was trying to still be in contact with him. She said she would stop and to my knowledge she did stop and we ended up getting married after our daughter was born. She kept her word and didn't contact him for a long time. Then as a year or so went by she starts texting him again and also sending messages on facebook and such once again I asked her to stop because of what happened and she said that they are just friends. At that time I find out that she still has a crush on him. She told me she did. She also told me it is ok to have a crush when your married it just depends on how how you react to it. Once again I told he to stop and once again she puts blame onto me again. I did get through to her for awhile as she really only saw him or texted him maybe once or twice within the past few years and I can handle that.

Anyways, Things were going good for the past year or so but now I see her texting him again (not sure what they said she deleted them). I caught her in somewhat of a lie last week. Not a lie but only half truth. She wanted to go to the bar with her sister "ok no problem i say" she tells me that her sister invited this guy to the bar with them too but they have not heard back from him so not sure if he is even going. I find text messages from my wife to this guy and they say he is coming and my wife is giving him directions to the bar in the messages so YA she did know he was coming but made it seem like he may or may not show up. Then she comes home an hour and a half late because she went to her sisters house with this guy and her sister for the hour and a half. I got mad at that and I let her know it upset me.

Now a week after they went to the bar she is sending him facebook messages that are a mile long talking about her crush and that is sometimes why she is quite around him and she is quite because he doesn't come hang out with her enough. She invites him over in the messages. She talks about the fling they had years back. She asks him if he still has a crush on her. she asks him why he doesn't ever come over to hang with her. He responded and told her he doesn't have a crush and hasn't on her and the reason he doesn't come hang out is it makes him uncomfortable. He knows i don't like what happened in the past and I appriciate him responding to my wifes ?'s the way he did. Then my wife responded to him saying he doesn't have a crush and she kind of seemed disappointed in the message back to him saying i understand you dont have a crush now but you didn't back when we had our fling? she tells him those time you got grabby with me? or those 2 times we met at the gas station. then she says i can't imagine that. meaning they must have been very flirtatious when they were at the gas stations apparently. She also tells him she is glad she didn't have sex with him because they very easily could have.(while pregnant with my child! ERRR) Then she starts going on again about him coming to hang with her and as long as nothing happens its ok right? she says to him. She tells him he won't be as uncomfortable around her if he spent more time with her.

And this is where im at now. He has not responded to her last message yet and they haven't been texting that I know of. I have not confronted her about this stuff yet.

Is her behavior OK? Is this stuff ok to do when your married? Am I just being jealous shes talking to an old fling that almost ruined our relationship? Am I the one with the problem?

It kills when when I find out she has been talking to him and I have no idea what they talked about. Or that she may still have a crush on him. I feel that she should not be doing this stuff with him anyways. another guy friend maybe ok to text and talk sometimes but this person that she did this stuff with and seems to have a crush she can't get rid of don't you think she should be avoiding him and trying to show me she values my feelings over getting to talk and hang out with this guy?

OK behavior? Not ok? Why? What do I do next?


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## capacity83 (Feb 13, 2011)

hey buddy,

ONE: UR behaviour is absolutely normal for a husband. ANY husband would feel the same and perhaps some would even try to hurt the OM physically. 

TWO: NO IT IS NOT ok for her to keep in contact with the guy. She either choose her family or him. In short, make her choose. 

THREE: she still has a crush on him because she doesnt know what life would be like being with him. She only knows of life with you since 2003. In short, she's still in fantasy mode because they havent actually "had sex" or went all the way yet. 

FOUR: she's having what is known as an EA or emotional affair. And that counts as cheating on you. 

Your behaviour is absolutely normal. You have to make her choose. Work on marriage (marriage councelling) or OM. It's her choice afterall.


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## lithband (Jun 18, 2011)

thanks for your reply. for a long time I didn't think this was ok for her to do but after it keeps happening and stopping then happening again it started to make me feel like maybe I was the one with a problem and what she was doing was ok to do.

Either way, when she does talk to this guy and I have no idea about what it kills me inside and I don't think I should have to feel that way.

What should the boundaries be on a crush while married? I realize it is normal for people to get the moviestar type crush or think someone is hot. Is it ok to interact with your crush? What if they are friends? What is ok to do or not ok to do? Or should they just avoid them?

Thanks everyone!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Crush boundaries.
Best to just comment on the one or two things about the person that make the crush happen, not the person.
Keep it to acquaintances only.
Conversation about feelings/emotions should be kept to absolute minimum. Keep the conversation pertinent to the environment in which you know them.
Enforce boundaries - if the crush gets the wrong message you need to send appropriate signals. Don't pretend you 'don't know how to do this' and are 'real naive' when it comes to men/women (choose gender that applies).
Crush needs to know you're married, does not need to know details (ups and downs, etc.)
No phone calls, no emails, no going out of your way to see the person, no setting of next time you will see each other, no discussing personal schedule or life in any great detail.
Not at work. If you work with someone and get a crush on them, I'm sure you can come up with loads of negative things about the person so that on the whole they are absolutely disgusting.
If you cannot make a crush go away by consciously noticing unattractive things about the person, then it is not a crush.
In which case you need to distance yourself from the person.
With these boundaries, you could enjoy a crush on a person for years and years. (This works in your favor...)
If you have a crush, your spouse would not really be bothered by it.
That is the difference between crush and obsession or sneaky affair (of any kind).
If you ALWAYS are nursing a crush or have multiple crushes then you probably need some kind of psychological help. But if it's a crush on a person on the fringe of your life, or on someone you're only going to see for a limited period of time in a safe environment (i.e. the Daquiri guy at the cabana on your vacation...) a crush is fun and probably normal (but what do I know). 

Most of the time if you have a crush and you don't see the person for a while and then you see them again out of context there is absolutely no attraction at all (see the first guideline about crushes being based on characteristics of a person rather than the person...which is much more realistic, considering how well you should - or should not!!!!! - know your crush). 

Don't confuse crush with physical/visual appreciation. If you want to do that, go to the beach and join the rest of the visual appreciators, and please, do not do this at a family-oriented beach, it's rude to the hot moms (and dads) who are there with their kids. Ugh. 

What your wife has is not a crush.
It is rude is what it is.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

This is CHEATING. It is possible this has already gone physical. You really do not know, but it could go physical at any time. 

You said they were already sneaking around trying to get physical.

Stop referring to this as a crush. It is indeed an affair.

She must go totally No Contact with him. Immediatley.

There has to be total transparency. You will need to be able to validate her activities. She should not be going out to bars without you, especially with folks who are supporting the affair.

Affairs are an addiction. She will haveto go through withdrawel.
This sounds pretty serious to me. I suspect the more you look into this the more you will find.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

lith,

I think you already know the answer, right? I mean, what self respecting husband would actually think this behavior is ok?

This is NOT OK. This is far from OK. Read your own post! Your wife is trying to set up a physical affair with her "crush'!

Please, go read up on "Nice Guys" here
The Man up and Nice Guy Reference

Do you see yourself in these words? If so, it's time to man up. Stop being a doormat. Your wife has absolutely no respect for you, or your boundaries. Everything she is doing is following the Affair Script to a "t". Minimizing her actions. Blaming you for snooping or not trusting her. Being too controlling. 
All this stuff is right out of the Affair Script manual.

Go here to read common themes about affairs!
Common Themes

You need to put a stop to this if you want to save your marriage. You need to expose. You need to do the 180. You need to start working on yourself. You need to enforce your boundaries and keep enforcing them until your wife comes around and out of her affair fog.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

There are obviously things your wife is doing that are unacceptable. Having an emotional affair, and living in her fantasy with this guy are not okay. It is natural for people to be attracted to another person but a crush moves from being attracted to fantasizing. While your wife is doing a lot ofthings that are quite damaging to the relationship, you must look at yourself. Ask yourself, "Is my wife happy in our relationship and if 'no' then why not?" Maybe even consider asking your wife this question. You then work on being a better, stronger man. You cannot change her, but you can change yourself. 

Should you confront her, absolutely (I would even suggest talking to him). However, if you whine to her about the situation, it will only push her further away. Be strong! Work on changing yourself.


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## lithband (Jun 18, 2011)

thanks again for all your replies. I have looked at myself and how I can change things to make things better. At the times of me confronting her in the past I did ask her what I could do to make things better. 

Her complaints in the past were that I had not put a ring on her finger yet. My reasoning was because we were young and broke at the time not that I didn't want to because I looked at our relationship as if we were married. However I did make it happen we had to just do a small wedding but I did make it happen for the both of us. She seems happy with me I do everything I can for her. Our sex life is good most of the time. She really doesn't have any complaints about me other then me being snoopy in her stuff and I need to respect her privacy. Which is always after I find her hiding something which she shouldn't have been doing to begin with. 

Now however after reading a bit in the "If you are snooping on your Disloyal, you are being controlling!!" thread I realize what I was doing was not invading her privacy. She was keeping secrets from me and I found where she was keeping her secrets and she should not have been keeping these kinds of things from me.

I do want to clarify a bit more though. I know my wife has not got physical with this person except possibly in the past 2003-2004. Actually by this persons last e-mail he says he doesn't have a crush on her and didn't and does not want to come to our house to hang with her because it makes him uncomfortable. As far as I know all the "meeting together" and him getting grabby" and his interest in her was back in 2003-2004 right before we got married. As far as I know they have not been alone together since then not 100% sure though. However I can't justify all of her texting off and on and e-mails throughout the years because well I don't scan all of her things all the time I only do when I feel like she is acting weird or I just get a feeling she is hiding something. So im not sure what all of them were and about 9 times outta 10 she deletes her texts from him, because they are bad or just because she was hoping I wouldn't check the bill if I didn't see any messages from him I don't know?

I guess Im worried if my wife still has this crush and is around this guy and talking to him she may act on it someday or he might. She always tells me its ok to have a crush if you don't do anything sexual with the person and don't act on it and that you just have to deal with the crush you have and remain friends. She says they are just friends and she knows she messed up in the past and just wants to be friends with him now. She tells me to forget the past and what happened. Is this even possible for her to do and for me to do? or is this just her trying to make me feel more trusting with her and this guy so I won't find she still likes him or whatever? Either way it does not make me feel good when I think of them just being friends, anytime they are talking or seeing each other does bring up the past for me and what happened.

Thanks again for the replies! It's nice knowing other people are here to help other get going in the right direction.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Do not be managed by her BS.
Stand your groung here.
Calmly but firmly explain to her you will not control her so it is your choice to move on with out her. It is clear she has feeling at least in you eyes that her crush is with another man and not with you.

And with confidence tell her that she can choose to come along with you if she wants...it is her choice, but this will require her to have absolutly no more contact with OM. Inform her that you will not make the dicision for her and you will be planning your future with out her until she can have a crush on you and only you.

Face it your young and diserve to be happy. You diserve to have a women that only has a crush on you. You can not force some one to love you so don't try. 

If you word it correctly you can explain to her its not about control, its about the choices she makes in having a healthy marriage with you.

She can not turn this on you as long as you explain to her it is her choice. There should be no issue with you wanting to be happy. She diserve to be happy also and in your eyes her crush with another man is making it very clear that you are not making her happy, so why force it?

I hope you see her cake eating here, she has married you for the stability and security you have to offer, but in managing enough to also have her thrills with her "friend" 

We all agree that her behavior is unhealty, the trick is getting her to see what she will lose if she continues with this behavior, and I believe if she see you will no longer tolorate being with a women that must have a "friend" that has the protential to cause you more pain then cut your loses.

I hope you can give her the perception that you are confident in moving on with out her not b/c who she chooses as a friend but that you diserve good thing in your life.

Again you diserve good things, you want to protect your marrige, and you value it. You love her and she can come along with you or she can find happiness with OM, but she can't do both with you around b/c you also diserve to be happy.

I hope you can take my perspective here and apply it to you next conversation with your wife.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I agree what your wife is giving you is a lot of BS.
He's NOT a crush.
He is someone she was involved with in the past in some way that was physical. She is still obsessed with him and he is refusing to come to the house to hang out. It's one-sided. In fact, it can't be a friendship because she's using him to get to you. Do you ever talk to this guy? Could you ever find a way to talk to this guy? Is he troubled enough by your wife's advances and the way she is using up his time and invading his life, and setting him up to have a bad repuation as a cheater/adulterer, that he would consent to sending her a no-contact letter and cooperating in following up with a restraining order?

I really think your wife needs counseling.
But she probably won't go.
I think you should go because it is way easier to change yourself and your reactions and thoughts and feelings about outside influences, than to change someone else. Then you'll have reinforced yourself for when she goes over the edge, because she is definitely heading in that direction. 
Crush. 
That's just a term she's using for when she has to defend herself and try to make you look foolish and jealous.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

alphaomega said:


> lith,
> 
> I think you already know the answer, right? I mean, what self respecting husband would actually think this behavior is ok?
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree: You teach people how to treat you. Your wife indulges in these antics because she knows that she can. Mr.G would NOT tolerate this kind of bullshxt from me!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I don't believe you are really wondering if this is "ok" because it's clearly not.

There is one thing such as a crush and there is another thing such as not ending contact with someone you've cheated with.

Your wife is the latter. 

And the worst part is you called her out on it one time and she said she'd stop and yet...she hasn't.

In this case, it seems the guy wants nothing to do with her now...yet she still pursues him.

She has no respect for you. And she won 't until you start respecting yourself. 

So while you ahve told her you have all these "boundariesS" and told her what you won't tolerate...you have done nothing to enforce that.

Me...Iw ould let her go. Straight up. I'd tell her, "You know I've been thinking...I asked you to stop communicating with X because of the facted you cheated on me with him in the past and yet numerous times you keep contacting him, asking him if he likes you, going out of your way to spend time with him (and the bar and your sister's house)--well after thinking about this I have decided this relationship as-is doesn't work for me. Because if you had any respect for me, you wouldn't be doing this to me, to our marriage. I shouldn't have to tell you more than once that this is unacceptable. so you can either end it or I am done and will takek all appropriate actions up to and including filing for divorce."

Then you have to follow through.

DOn't fear losing her at all. That is what has gotten you into this mess and kept you there.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

This is no crush. She's in love with him. Rip her a new one.

Better yet. Start talking about this girl at work who really "gets" you. You talk a lot and she makes you feel good. You have lunch together 3 times a week and just talk. Saturday night you're going to a sports bar with her brother to watch the game. "You don't mind if my new friend shows up, do you"? 

See how that goes.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I bet the messages she deletes are the ones where he tells her to knock it off and go away. She probably only keeps the ones that support her delusion that he's into her still.

Somewhere out there in cyberworld is a stalking handbook. You can google it. It's meant for victims, but it will give you a good idea of what your wife might be doing to this guy. My H had it done to him, this woman who was his friend's wife was emailing him addressing him as 'Hubby #2' and signing as his 'exlaw wife', saying she loved him (also trashing me), planning a huge party for him on return from his deployment (without even coordinating with me), at our wedding she danced with his dad while he was dancing with his mom and when I cut in, said his dad was 'hers first but she'd lend him to me' (and his dad didn't even know who the woman was). The thing is, the woman's husband had NO IDEA of what his wife was doing until someone informed him about it after she stalked my H through my kids (his stepkids) on their public school bus, through the driver's assistant, who was clueless about it. After that, the behavior stopped. My H had to be firm with her and send a no-contact email that took some doing to get her to believe it was from him...and someone told her H that she was heading for a restraining order. We heard she had done this to at least one other person in the past. Chances are, your W needs some psych help.

If you do leave her, you don't really owe her an explanation.
I think you've already wasted enough breath on the matter.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

lithband said:


> thanks again for all your replies. I have looked at myself and how I can change things to make things better. At the times of me confronting her in the past I did ask her what I could do to make things better.
> 
> Her complaints in the past were that I had not put a ring on her finger yet. My reasoning was because we were young and broke at the time not that I didn't want to because I looked at our relationship as if we were married. However I did make it happen we had to just do a small wedding but I did make it happen for the both of us. She seems happy with me I do everything I can for her. Our sex life is good most of the time. *She really doesn't have any complaints about me other then me being snoopy in her stuff and I need to respect her privacy. *Which is always after I find her hiding something which she shouldn't have been doing to begin with.
> 
> ...


Married couples should not have secrets from one another. You have every right to check into what she is doing, especially in her case. She is having and affair with another man.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

So, from what you know, your wife is interested in this guy. This guy is not interested in your wife. 

Stop focusing on whether or not she plans to cheat on you.

Focus on the reasons behind WHY she plans to cheat on you.

Something is missing, bud. You need to figure out what that is, or this will simply re-manifest with another guy.

If she pulls the 'snooping' card, do not have that discussion. You're married. Her privacy is something you will value while she values the sanctity of your marriage ... which oddly enough, doesn't include chasing old boyfriends for a hook-up.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

MrK said:


> This is no crush. She's in love with him. Rip her a new one.
> 
> Better yet. Start talking about this girl at work who really "gets" you. You talk a lot and she makes you feel good. You have lunch together 3 times a week and just talk. Saturday night you're going to a sports bar with her brother to watch the game. "You don't mind if my new friend shows up, do you"?
> 
> See how that goes.


This would work in high school. As adults I would like to think we have moved on from those games.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BM178 (May 17, 2011)

I have an idea... Why don't you get your own "crush", have your friends pretend and text you and say all kinds of things as your "crush". Tell her you have found your own crush. Keep it up and see where this takes her. She might be happy you found someone for yourself but I imagine normal reaction for her to be is jealous. So try it out and see what she does. Ask her, "It's ok right honey? I have my own crush. I hope you don't mind" Go into details, tell her how you met, what she looks like. MAke it all up. You got nothing to lose at this point, try it.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Entropy, even in marriage, people need their private space. Snooping if an affair is occuring is fine, but spouses cannot possibly share _*everything *_with each other.

For example, I had a sexy dream about a singer the other night. It was very raunchy and lustful. Why would I run to Mr.G and share that? 

I am beginning to see the age in my husband's face. I can see the wrinkles forming on his forehead and crow's feet. Again, sharing my observations would only hurt his feelings. He is already insecure about having a younger wife.


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## FairSkies (Jun 6, 2011)

Okay, I agree with others who say this is NOT a crush.

I had a crush on a man I know through work. We interact on a fairly regular basis, 1x per month to a couple times per week, as well as occasional calls/texts. I had to be careful not to get into personal conversations when talking to him, because that's not appropriate.

She has taken it further, confessing her feelings, reminding him of their past "fling" with no remorse, indicating she wants it to go further.

Next time she goes out to the bar, go with her. Confront her and offer her to go with you to counseling and seek help, or decide her marriage is not worth it and leave.

You do not deserve to be "sloopy seconds" (physically or EMOTIONALLY) to that other guy. 

People always ask, "what did you to contribute to this?" but often, and in your case I think this is true, the spouse with PA or EA is not willing to speak openly about the problems in their marriage. Give her one last chance, then file divorce papers. 

I'd also confront the man. He seems to have been uninterested in her advances, but I would encourage him to take it a step further and have him tell your wife he will NOT be party to an affair.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

She's having an affair (emotional, obviously, and at least previously it has been physical -- "grabby" as you know, and if you think they "just talked" at gas stations then your delusional).

You know it's not OK, and her label of "a crush" is manipulative. You buying it further enables her affair to continue. 

Don't play games (getting your own crush or trying to get her jealous). This is unhealthy and will lead nowhere. 

Make decisions, develop a plan, and enact it. That plan includes preparing to walk away if she will not behave like a married woman. It is time to man-up and enact a 180, because the only she will wake up and decide she wants to be with you (if she even wants to) will be for her to realize you WON'T BE THERE is she chooses to continue her current path. And as far as her needing her 'privacy', that's total BS and you've got real, proven reasons that she is not entitled to that. Full transparency to email, FB, Chat, cell, etc. right now. No deleting.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Mrs.G said:


> Entropy, even in marriage, people need their private space. Snooping if an affair is occuring is fine, but spouses cannot possibly share _*everything *_with each other.
> 
> For example, I had a sexy dream about a singer the other night. It was very raunchy and lustful. Why would I run to Mr.G and share that?
> 
> I am beginning to see the age in my husband's face. I can see the wrinkles forming on his forehead and crow's feet. Again, sharing my observations would only hurt his feelings. He is already insecure about having a younger wife.


No I don't think you should. Did I infer that? If I came across that way, that is not what I meant.

update: I just reread my posts. In no way was I referring to dreams with total transparency. I guess you were just kididng around and wanted to share your dream with us. She is having an affair.


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## PeaceTrain (Jun 25, 2011)

BM178 said:


> I have an idea... Why don't you get your own "crush", have your friends pretend and text you and say all kinds of things as your "crush". Tell her you have found your own crush. Keep it up and see where this takes her. She might be happy you found someone for yourself but I imagine normal reaction for her to be is jealous. So try it out and see what she does. Ask her, "It's ok right honey? I have my own crush. I hope you don't mind" Go into details, tell her how you met, what she looks like. MAke it all up. You got nothing to lose at this point, try it.


First time, let me step in since I been in a journey similiar to this. What if she really doesn't want to continue this marriage any more. What if she really wants divorce?


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