# Mixed Messages - Need Advice



## Crabbe (Nov 14, 2017)

Hi all,

Thanks so much in advance for any advice. Here is my story.

About two months ago I got a text from my husband (not legally married) of 16 years saying that "he had to end things" and was too scared to do it in person. I first thought he was on drugs or someone got a hold of his phone. Anyway, convinced him to come home and talk. He said that although there are many things right in our marriage, he has had a "gut feeling" that he has been repressing for years that there is "something or someone else out there" that he needs. And he feels he can only get that by separating. He was under a lot of stress at the time and said that things just finally broke. That he couldn't go on any longer. He says that I check off everything on his checklist otherwise.

I had NO idea this was coming. Our marriage wasn't bad by any means. He would come and kiss me when I walked in the door. We were still having sex. We make each other laugh. We've been through a lot together with parents dying, etc. We are both about 40.

I did what you are not supposed to do and begged and pleaded for him to stay. He agreed reluctantly to go to therapy after his trip to Turkey which was scheduled one week later. While in Turkey he had a sexual affair with a woman. They had sex the whole time and without protection. He claims to have had a spiritual experience with her having sex in a bathhouse. He says that this experience gave him a sign that he is supposed to leave. He says this affair didn't mean anything, but he is still in touch with this woman to give her an update of where he is at. He also says he had a vision of a woman like her since he was a child and wonders if he is supposed to follow that vision. 

Essentially he believes that his rational mind and spiritual mind is divided and it is time to follow his gut. He has never been spiritual before. He knows he is having a mid-life crises, but he says that doesn't discount what he feels. He also wonders if he is just seeing into things too much.

I was crushed. He talked about wanting to stay and wanting to leave. He says he was confused and was trying to sabotage the relationship by the affair. I gave him permission to leave several times, but that I think we could still have a happy marriage. That this could be a transformation. He agreed to take it one day at a time and go to therapy, but he was still feeling very much like leaving. I gave him some space and went to a friend's house for a few days.

In the next week we argued a lot. He almost left several times. We've also had some mature conversations. I am very jealous of this woman and questioned his feelings for her a lot. He says she is still a friend which is why he is still in touch with her. He also won't delete photos of her (which I haven't seen thankfully) because these are still memories.

A few weeks later here is where we are at: he has gone to one therapy session on his own, but that was just him explaining everything to the psychologist. We are arguing less and actually having some fun together - going hiking, laughing about our dog, watching movies. We are cuddling when we watch movies. We have slept in the same bed together twice after a few drinks. No sex. He got an STD test. He has agreed to continue with therapy and recognizes it may take some time. He is starting to talk about some issues in our marriage and I now see that yes, there were things that I missed. Things that need fixing. He has kissed me (just on the lips or head) a couple of times out of his own choice. 

So, I guess compared to the start, there has been a lot of progress for the good. 

At the same time, he says he is still very unsure that he even wants to try. At times he acts very distant. He says he told the other woman that he would contact her in the New Year with an update. He says he loves me, but is unsure he is in love. He says he sees that I am making changes which is good, but he needs time.

I am so very hurt by all this. Additionally, about 4 months ago I wanted to quit my job to work on our business more. He was supportive of me doing this. Now, I have no job to go to and am stuck at home all day. I find myself just sitting here and wallowing. It drives me crazy when I don't know where he is. The marriage advice I read says to go get on with your own life, but it is hard with no money and no job. I also have no family where I live which makes it harder. I have friends who have been really supportive, but it is not the same.

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. It is so hard for me to live with uncertainty. Everyday I try to work on the relationship a little. I know that I am probably pushing too hard. I am trying to take things one day at a time, but not knowing your future is so hard. We had a great life, had a great shared business, friends, everything. I can't imagine another life. A better life. We really had it all, or so I thought.

I am working at getting a job and seeing a psychologist on my own. I am owning up to my behaviors that may have affected the relationship.

Am I delusional in thinking that things can be worked out despite his "gut feeling"? Should I not let him cuddle me, etc.? Should I leave and give him some time? Or should I continue being his best friend through all this?


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