# Should i stay or leave...



## Marriagekindofgirl (Oct 26, 2014)

My husband and i have been married for almost 5 years. I am 28 and my husband is 27. Last year in October, my husband and I got in a huge fight. I asked him to bath our son (he was 1 year at the time) while I went and got food so when I got back we could put the baby to bed and eat, talk and spend time together. He said, “No I bathed him twice already this week”. I immediately got upset. I went back in the room to calm down and two hours later I came out to talk to him about the situation. It ended up with us yelling and arguing. So I packed a bag and left with my baby to stay at a hotel until things calmed down. Halfway down the road I decided leaving wasn’t the right thing to do and came back. I told him I wanted a divorce if he couldn’t change his ways (this isn’t the first time he something like this has happened). Our son was born 2 months premature and was in the NICU for two weeks. My husband spent a couple of those nights out drinking and was too hung over or tired the next morning to come up to the hospital with me to see our son. That’s just one example of many. 

After the argument last October he left for a week staying with various friends and while he was gone I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t want to tell him because I didn’t want that to be his reason for coming back but I wanted to let him know before I told my boss (in the military you have to let your boss know because you have to be put on a profile and cant deploy) because we work together in the same building and he would find our eventually. Once he found out, he made a decision to stay (the exact thing I didn’t want to happen) and try to work things out. We started seeing a marriage counselor to talk and see what counseling had to offer for the relationship. From then until a few weeks ago, things were great. We didn’t argue, we learned that it’s okay to walk away from the situation to calm down. Eventually the marriage counselor told us we have a great relationship and doesn’t see any need to see us anymore. 

Early September of this year, since it had been a year since the big argument, I asked him what I could do to be a better wife (I like to ask questions like that often just to make sure we continue to better ourselves for each other). He said I have been wanting to talk to you about that. He went on to say he hasn’t felt the same way about me since I walked out on him and “threatened” to divorce him. Long story short he doesn’t love me anymore. So he started going out to the bars and clubs every chance he got and coming home at 6-7 am (he says because he didn’t want to be around me or deal with the situation at hand). I felt it was disrespectful to come in that late 3-4 times a week and told him he needed to leave if he wasn’t going to respect me and our home. So we decided to do a trial separation and he left for two weeks. Last week he came and got in bed and whispered to me, “I’m not leaving”. Two days later we talked about it and he said he still doesn’t love me but wants to try to work things out and get those feelings back but the main reason he came back was because of the kids. 

Last night he was drinking and his mom called. During the conversation he cursed at her (if he doesnt even respect his mom how can i expect him to respect me). Then he tells me im going to take him to the store to get him a black and mild and i said no because im not leaving the kids here alone. After he cursed at me for not taking him he left and went and got one. After he came back i told him we need to come to some compromise on his drinking problem (he used to be violent towards people but has calmed down since). Long story short he said we arent made for each other. 

Presently we have two wonderful boys who are 4 months and 2 years. My husband and I are on great terms but me knowing he doesn’t love me bothers me. According to him, ever since he came back after finding out about the pregnancy he has been working to get those feelings back, and that was a year ago. He told me I am THE perfect wife and that’s why he is so confused. He also loves our teamwork with house hold chores and handling the kids and he loves our movies nights etc. He deploys in April and he is hoping during his deployment (6 months long) he will get back the feelings and love for me.
I wrote all this to ask if anyone has any insight or has ever been in a relationship like this. I don’t know if I should stay with him or save myself more heartache and wasted time and just leave the marriage. I love him dearly but you can’t make someone love you back. My main thing is the kids.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

An old quote that's been floating around for decades says: the best thing a man can do for his children is love their mother.

Hope this brings perspective. Good luck.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

I'm not saying he should stop drinking cold turkey but...scaling it back would be

helpful. It is getting in the way of your M. I recommend going to a MC.

If he won't go, you go to IC for yourself. Why does he drink? Has he told you why?

What do you know about his childhood? When a M hits the rocks, there are 

issues both bring up...where the other has "dropped the ball."

The destroying of a M is never 100 / 0 and 50 / 50 .... it's always 

somewhere in the middle. Have you read the 5 Love Languages?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Get the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". They have some good advice on how to get that loving feeling back.


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## Marriagekindofgirl (Oct 26, 2014)

Thank you chuck71 for your response. He drinks for for plain enjoyment. He mostly drinks on saturdays while watching football or out with his friends. His father left him and his sister at a very young age and his mom raised him alone. I feel thats why he stays around because he loves the boys and want them to have a father in their life unlike him. when we went to marriage counseling last year, she introduced us to the 5 languages of love and it is a great book. Together we found out both of our love languages which has really helped.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

The drinking may be bringing up pent-up emotions from his past.

It's great he went to MC. When he drinks "too much" what is his usual

mood when he starts? When he gets upset after too many beers,

what does he say?


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I'm a huge fan of the five love languages. Do you both make DAILY efforts to show love to each other via each other's love language? Even though it only takes maybe a couple minutes a day, I think it's a fantastic step that every couple can make that can be tremendously beneficial.

With that said, I can understand why it would be hard right now. A few thoughts:

*Is his drinking really a problem? Like has he made some destructive decisions while drinking? (drinking & driving, hurt anyone or himself, been drunk or behaved in a drunken manner in front of the kids, spent large amounts of money, etc.) Generally I have found that if someone is not willing or able to stop drinking, even for a trial period, then it is a problem.

*In my state, the bars closed strictly at 2am. Is he really at the bars all night? Is there any reason to be concerned that he could be seeing someone else, or emotionally investing in someone else?

*Have you considered returning to marriage counseling? I think your last counselor must have either not been very good, or that the two of you maybe weren't being very honest with him/her.


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## Marriagekindofgirl (Oct 26, 2014)

Chuck he starts out normal and happy. But when he drinks too much he smokes to "level it" which in my opinion makes it worse. But he has made an effort in the past couple of weeks to work on his temper. 

Cdbaker his drinking is really a problem bc he makes terrible decisions....drinking and driving....just last night while escorting him and his friend from the bars he let his friend smoke weed in the car on which I made him put out immediately. Our careers could be desired from decisions like those. I got upset at him over the matter and now he is mad at me and I feel as though I did nothing wrong. So yes his drinking is a problem. After he leaves the bars he either goes to eat with his friends or they go to this other place that has pool tables etc and hangs there ....and they don't close until 6am. 

Thank you both for you feedback.


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## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

You don't have much of a husband, and he doesn't want a wife. He wants to be a kid for the rest of his life, or at least for now. It's clear the guy wants his freedom and is just hanging on for the sake of the kids.

But this is the main thing: You need to have standards for basing decisions like these. That he disrespects you is bad enough. That he told you he doesn't love you is more than enough for you to let him go. For your own sake, you shouldn't want to be in a marriage like that. You know it's not the kind of marriage you want. You know you don't like it. You SHOULD know that making your children responsible for your marriage is more of a burden they can possibly shoulder, so stop trying to make them your scapegoat. You cannot hold your marriage together, so how can you expect your children can hold it together?

What is more, you should let him go so he can find what he wants, and you can find what you want. Sometimes, a person has to lose something to realize they really want it. Let him see what he has to lose. I know you tried the trial separation, but that's not the same. Tell me if I'm wrong, but I imagined the scene on the night he came back was that you guys made love. All I'm thinking is that he didn't like being without regular and convenient coochie and since you are convenient being that you are his wife, he suddenly decided he wanted to come back. So this time, you have to call it quits for real. What you guys did before was just his play time. He took a break and knew all the while he could come back any time he wanted. He has to know he CANNOT come back. He has to know the decision is not his to make. He has to know you are not going to just wait around for him to decide to be a good husband to you. He has to know you refuse to be his cake while he does everything he wants to do.

Let him know you want and deserve a real husband and a real marriage. And more than anything else, you deserve to be loved. So, tell him since he has no desire to provide you with any of life's normal things that you need from your man, then he has to go. And actually make him leave. Tell him it's over.

The purpose of this is to take your life back. You have given him all your power, so he knows he controls you and the marriage. That is the reason he has no respect for you. That is the reason he stays out until pre-dawn hours. That is at least one reason he does not love you. No one - neither man nor woman - can love someone who does not love themselves. Not loving yourself means you have no respect for yourself, so how can you expect him to respect you? 

By giving him all of your power, by allowing him to disrespect you, and by allowing him to make the decisions that affect YOUR life, he knows you do not respect yourself because you don't REQUIRE any respect from him. You just keep putting up with his bullcrap and waiting for him to decide to love you. I know you feel you don't just put up with it. You say something to him. You complain to him. I understand that you think that's NOT putting up with it, but it is because you're not *doing* anything. 

As long as he does these things, you say something, but he keeps doing them, then you might as well keep your mouth shut and not say anything at all. You accomplish nothing to keep saying things to him, and to keep arguing, and to keep getting angry after you realized the first time that saying something, arguing, and being mad accomplishes nothing. So, stop talking and complaining and do something. Tell him to go. He has to see that you respect yourself enough to NOT tolerate his disrespect. He has to see that you love yourself enough that makes you worthy of HIS love. What kind of woman do you think it is that tries so desperately to hold on to her man after he tells her he doesn't love her? What kind of woman do you think it is that allows her husband to disrespect her whenever he feels like it? A desperate woman is who she is. Stop being so desperate to keep him. Tell him that since he does not love you, he has to go right now instead of waiting until his deployment.

He'll be back. If you love him and fear losing him, you don't really have to worry about it. You should, of course, tell him to leave with total conviction that your marriage will be over. You can't even have a glimmer of hope that he will return to you. 

But, the greater likelihood is that he will return to you so long as you don't kiss his butt and let him know you are desperate and that you desperately want him back.

Sometimes, you have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it. Obviously, there is no guarantee that you can save your marriage, but it works out well the vast majority of times. When you get your husband back, make sure you no longer kiss his butt anymore. Make sure you don't give him all the power in the marriage. Make sure you don't love him more than you love yourself. Make sure you don't make him more important than yourself. And, make sure you never, ever again tolerate his bull crap. When he starts, he has to go.

In the meanwhile, start attending individual counseling so you can learn what it means to have self esteem/confidence/self respect/self worth. Learn what it means to love yourself more than you love a man because no man can love a woman who does not love herself. They don't want to be bothered with the burden of having to emotionally carry you through life. Even if you make him leave and he never returns, what you can learn in counseling can help you through the next relationship and hopefully through a more successful and more loving marriage in your future. Just remember that no matter how much it hurts and no matter how badly you wish you could hold on to him, you never, ever allow a man to disrespect you. You don't continue with a sham of marriage.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

OP, 

Be sure to talk of boundaries during deployment if you decide to work on it... 

If the cat's away, the mice will play...

~sammy


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

I commend you for wanting to work through the issues

just keep in mind, he has to want it himself

if he is in there 110% by all means, stand behind him

but if he is half a$$ing it, you should feel no obligation to offer support


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

Umm I was a soldier for a long time, hard to believe things have changed where he is not concerned about smoking weed...I digress...not the issue.

Well, I was married at 20 and served all through my 20's. I can honestly say I was not a good husband those years. you may work through things now, but when you are 40...ugh, all these things he is doing will come back up. Possible cold hard truth...he is screwing around, hence the "I dont love you". It makes it easier for him to deal with being unfaithful. "I'm not doing anything wrong becasue I don't want to be with her anyway". He is rationalizing it, making it seem like he is doing you a favor or "the right thing" for the kids. It's either that OR he is simply not prepared mentally to be married with 2 kids. Most men do not really mature until 40, we do a lot of dumb things up to that point. 

My advice...take control of the situation. Kick him out, tell him it's over until he can prove he wants to be a partner and not a child. Maybe that will wake him up. If he does change...you have to be able to forgive and not kill him for his past mistakes AND most important, not hold this stuff in and let it surface 20 years from now :/


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