# advice sought from a stupid man



## Chris (Jan 18, 2010)

Hi, 

I'm a 36 year old man that was on top of the world when I married my now 30 year old wife. I became a drunk, and an a-hole...and its only recently that I came out of my cloud. When I look around me, I see the ruins of what was once good. It is my mission to rebuild my family, but I am unable to convince my wife of my sincerity, since candidly, she's heard it all before. All I want to do is prove myself to her, but I don't know how to get her to let her guard down. I failed her. But I want and need my family, and I've had a real moment of clarity. Any advice on how to approach her?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I would suggest not approaching her at all, or if you do, don't say, "But I've changed! I promise!" She's heard that a zillion times and won't believe it. BUT what she may not have heard is something more honest like, "I know now that I've been a fool to let things fall to ruins, and you have good reason to not believe me, so I'm not going to make promises or tell you I've changed. I would just ask if you'd give me some time and let me show you the new me. From now on my actions will do the talking." 

THEN of course, demonstrate your sincerity through behaving differently. The number one thing you'll have to concentrate on is to stop being the cause of her pain. Whatever you've been doing to hurt her, stop doing that. If you don't know what that is, ask her and let her tell you the truth...and no matter what she says, listen. It may hurt to hear it, and she may rant a little, but let her give you a clue what has really hurt her the worst and give her a safe place to be honest. (So for example, if she says something that is honest but cuts to the quick and you think you might get mad or defensive say, "Thank you for being honest. I'm going to think about what you've said" and then very politely walk to another room.)

Your words are not going to cut it any more. This is just a fact. But when your actions match your words, then she'll know it's honest and might start to believe you.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I think AC has great advice. One thing to add: Your sobriety needs to be for you, first and foremost. If you are only doing this to keep your wife from leaving, she'll know and you'll know. You either care about yourself enough to get sober, or you don't. Confront the issues that made you so self-destructive in the first place. You don't get any "slack" from your wife during this time, however, so be prepared for a tough road. Maybe she'll wait it out for you; maybe she won't. But at the end you will be a sober, happy person, and that's worth it.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

IME, people who have problems with alcohol and other drugs tend to make lots of unkept promises. Many of these may be things that you can't fix now: you missed a child's school play, that school play is done and you can't go back.

But other of the unkept promises may be things you can do: clean out the basement, or repair the broken window screen, or replace the broken stereo in her car.

If you want to demonstrate change, deliver on all the promises you made but never saw through. Don't say "Now I'm going to do so-and-so"; she's heard "I'm going to" plenty. FINISH THEM, and then say "Oh, by the way, I took care of that squeaky hinge on the back door." "Are you going to need your car Saturday? I finally got the new stereo, but it'll take a few hours to put in." (Do not say this unless you have the new stereo IN YOUR HANDS at that very moment.)

Do what you said you'd do. People respect that.


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## Holding Pattern (Dec 31, 2009)

You can't convince her. She has to allow herself to be convinced...by your consistently positive behavior/actions.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

:iagree:

Because she has heard it all before, your words have no value. Only an honest and sustained change in behavior will even begin to have an impact on her. Buckle in for the long haul and with time she will notice your efforts. Congratulations on taking control of your life.


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## Alexandra (Jan 9, 2010)

Consistent actions, commited behaviors and controlled tempers and demands are all ways to communicate your zeal to stay together.

How wonderful that you've sobered up and realized your mistakes. If you can get her to believe you, your family life can greatly benefit from your turn around. Genuine forgiveness and renewed commitment are more valuable than gold. But it's the getting her to be on board and convinced that's the hard part.

Keep at it, don't give up and say you've changed over and over with WHAT YOU DO.


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## Mittens (Jan 9, 2010)

I can truly and completely attest to almost everyone's advice pertaining to doing what you say, because everything else is just talk.
My husband recently quit drinking a few months ago, and I had heard many many times empty promises, etc.
I am still on edge when he is put in situations that make drinking very accessible and vulnerable, but his actions so far (actions, not words) have been the difference for me.
Having said that, with every action he follows through, the edginess subsides exponentially.
It takes time, committment, communication, and a lot of care, but it's very possible.
Having said that, be prepared that it will also require a lot of hard work and a whole ton of committment, and very possibly have some very rough waters periodically throughout.
Good Luck.


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## Chris (Jan 18, 2010)

Thank you to everyone


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## billbo (Jan 24, 2010)

Whoa Nellie. I'm with you all the way brother. Same deal with me. Fortunately I stopped drinking for myself. And quickly made 180's galore. It has made all the difference in 2.5 months. I'm not out of the woods by any stretch of the imagination. But I see happiness around me for the first time in years. My wife, my kid, myself. Everyone who posted here is spot on. Boy I think everyone here deserves a round of applause. And now that thatls over it's back to hard work. Perhaps years of it. But from what I gather, it's worth it. Quitting drinking was surprisingly easy for me when I thought I could never live without it. Repairing the damage is the hard part now. Best of Luck Chris!


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## Bluemoon7 (Jan 27, 2010)

As a woman who was recently devistated by my husband the alcoholic with all of his lies, I completely agree that actions speak louder than words. You have to show her that you are changed (by doing what you should be doing), that you are sorry, and that you understand the pain you have caused.


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## TempTime (Jan 31, 2010)

Chris-
No doubt there are many women who wish that post was HER husband's... 
IF your wife has any emotional attachment left to you and you DO show consistent change I think there's a chance she will believe in you again. 
Dig deep into your soul... do the HARD stuff - not just the easy stuff. Ask her what it would take... and be willing to do THAT.
Be prepared that it may be too late to save the marriage, but give your all.... you have EVERYTHING to gain!
Best of luck to you. There are many here who will support and cheer you on.
God Bless.


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