# Is this asking for too much?



## Girlinthemirror (Jun 24, 2011)

I've been with my husband for 7 years and married for 2. Before marriage we were both virgins (not for religious reasons, we just didn't date anyone before each other). In the beginning it was great, but I can't have orgasms from sex or manual stimulation. So I asked him if he would mind trying other ways. We did but he doesn't like it.

I really like vibrators and since our sex life has gone down the drain, I use them. I try to get him to do it with me but he doesn't like it, he just wants it his way. He is really frustrating me because it feels like he couldn't care less about what I need. He just fell asleep on me which is why I'm here now. Its hurtful and mean, and somehow he is upset and I'm following him around asking what is wrong. 

There is a lot more to it than this but its the general idea. He is a great husband otherwise. I don't know if I should bother trying again or just accepting a crappy sex life and go it on my own. Its not all him, its me too but he isn't willing talk about it or improve it.

Guys, are you intimidated by sex toys? Am I asking too much for him to care?


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Girlinthemirror said:


> I've been with my husband for 7 years and married for 2. Before marriage we were both virgins (not for religious reasons, we just didn't date anyone before each other). In the beginning it was great, but I can't have orgasms from sex or manual stimulation. So I asked him if he would mind trying other ways. We did but he doesn't like it.
> 
> I really like vibrators and since our sex life has gone down the drain, I use them. I try to get him to do it with me but he doesn't like it, he just wants it his way. He is really frustrating me because it feels like he couldn't care less about what I need. He just fell asleep on me which is why I'm here now. Its hurtful and mean, and somehow he is upset and I'm following him around asking what is wrong.
> 
> ...


Am I intimidated by them? No. I never had any because my x wife would have thought it strange; however, I wouldn't have cared if she brought in a suitcase full. I would have tried anything once.


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## discouraged1 (Mar 16, 2010)

Girlinthemirror said:


> I've been with my husband for 7 years and married for 2. Before marriage we were both virgins (not for religious reasons, we just didn't date anyone before each other). In the beginning it was great, but I can't have orgasms from sex or manual stimulation. So I asked him if he would mind trying other ways. We did but he doesn't like it.
> 
> I really like vibrators and since our sex life has gone down the drain, I use them. I try to get him to do it with me but he doesn't like it, he just wants it his way. He is really frustrating me because it feels like he couldn't care less about what I need. He just fell asleep on me which is why I'm here now. Its hurtful and mean, and somehow he is upset and I'm following him around asking what is wrong.
> 
> ...


Uh.. definitely not intimidated by them. Wife doesn't like them or really anything, giving or receiving. I think that some people are wired for variety and trying different things or they are not. Or maybe it is just the lazy indifferent attitude without any consequences. Selfishness comes to mind??


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

On the surface he seems selfish. lets give him the benifit of the doubt and say he is intimadated or just ingnorant about the fact that some women need more stimulation.

you could do some reserch on the internet and print it out and give him a copy and say please read this Im sorry but i fall into this catagory. If thats a problem then I don't what to do because having sex without an orgasm gets old. and I kneed a husband that cares about trying to be a good lover or making love become more and more like a chore.

we can try to spice up our sex all the way aroud so you don't feel like your being left out.


I do have a few questions.

did you have orgasms in the begining or did you fake it or just didn't speak up?

If sex and orgasms were important to you why didn't you speak up?

If hes been thinking hes been rocking your world all this time then I could see him being like defensive.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

I don't know if it's that the toy intimidates him, or the fact that a toy is able to do something that he is not able to do. Maybe he thinks - "wow, she gets more pleasure from a toy than from me".

When you said you tried other things, and he didn't like them, did you pursue that with him?

As well, note that if you use a vibrator often, you can actually desensitize yourself from being able to orgasm with manual or oral touch. Would you be willing to forego the vibrator for a period of time, then start back on trying new things via manual or oral with him? There are lots of books and tons of information on the internet about different techniques that you can try.


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## Girlinthemirror (Jun 24, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> On the surface he seems selfish. lets give him the benifit of the doubt and say he is intimadated or just ingnorant about the fact that some women need more stimulation.
> 
> you could do some reserch on the internet and print it out and give him a copy and say please read this Im sorry but i fall into this catagory. If thats a problem then I don't what to do because having sex without an orgasm gets old. and I kneed a husband that cares about trying to be a good lover or making love become more and more like a chore.
> 
> ...


I've never had one period without a vibrator, I faked it in the beginning. It was because a. I wanted him to stop b. I didn't want him to feel bad. Since we've never been with anyone else, he doesn't have experience and doesn't know what he is doing. What he does just hurts and once in a while it doesn't but mostly it just hurts. I try to guide him and he thinks that everything he does is wrong and he gets upset.

His experience are what women in movies or books like. I would think that something that makes me feel so good, he would want to be there with me. If I couldn't do it for him, i'd be happy to try different things. I told him that orgasms are important to me, not the act itself but wanting to make each other happy. Its just one sided and my side has slacked off too because I resent him the whole time now. 


I told him awhile ago that i'd been faking him and we laughed about it. I guess I could understand why he would be defensive about it now. But has been the entire time, I couldn't make it work for him our first few times but I wanted to. It was my goal, its not his goal.


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## Girlinthemirror (Jun 24, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> I don't know if it's that the toy intimidates him, or the fact that a toy is able to do something that he is not able to do. Maybe he thinks - "wow, she gets more pleasure from a toy than from me".
> 
> When you said you tried other things, and he didn't like them, did you pursue that with him?
> 
> As well, note that if you use a vibrator often, you can actually desensitize yourself from being able to orgasm with manual or oral touch. Would you be willing to forego the vibrator for a period of time, then start back on trying new things via manual or oral with him? There are lots of books and tons of information on the internet about different techniques that you can try.



I did pursue the other options, but he thinks that oral sex is gross. When we first started dating, he liked it but somewhere along the line he stopped. So that isn't helping either, now I feel like i'm disgusting him also.

I don't use the vibrator a lot anymore because my sex drive until recently has been dead. That was also killing our sex life because I didn't like to have normal sex anymore. It was a combination of stress and resentment. I went months without using it and once in a while i'd want to but I didn't want to ask him to join me because of what he might say. 



Thanks everyone for your advice and comments. I was expecting so many replies so quickly. I also want to add that we don't sleep in the same bed. It was supposed to just be a one night thing and now its 2 years later. We've started sleeping in the same bed now. Its been great and I don't miss him as much now and its improving the sex life too that was non existent. But its making me resent him more than usual, at first I thought it was just me and I was being an awful wife. But I think he is being selfish too.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Girlinthemirror said:


> I've never had one period without a vibrator, I faked it in the beginning. It was because a. I wanted him to stop b. I didn't want him to feel bad. Since we've never been with anyone else, he doesn't have experience and doesn't know what he is doing. What he does just hurts and once in a while it doesn't but mostly it just hurts. I try to guide him and he thinks that everything he does is wrong and he gets upset.
> 
> His experience are what women in movies or books like. I would think that something that makes me feel so good, he would want to be there with me. If I couldn't do it for him, i'd be happy to try different things. I told him that orgasms are important to me, not the act itself but wanting to make each other happy. Its just one sided and my side has slacked off too because I resent him the whole time now.
> 
> ...


I guess he has to come aroud to the fact that thats how you are.It might take awhile and alot of dificult conversations.

good luck

ps. if no kids are involved I wouln't have any until you have this figured out.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

You know - it only takes one person to take that first step and break a stalemate. Can you be that person?


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## Girlinthemirror (Jun 24, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> You know - it only takes one person to take that first step and break a stalemate. Can you be that person?


I've tried and I would try harder if I didn't think he would throw the "I'm stressed, I can't believe you are nagging me about this now!" cards. We've gone through this before, it gives me a little hope that once other things in our lives are settled, the intimacy will get better too.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Girlinthemirror said:


> I've tried and I would try harder if I didn't think he would throw the "I'm stressed, I can't believe you are nagging me about this now!" cards. We've gone through this before, it gives me a little hope that once other things in our lives are settled, the intimacy will get better too.


Starting to sound like hes just plain selfish.

The real truth of the matter is he probely won't chage much if at all. You have to decide what your willing to put up with and if this is a deal breaker. You sound like your still a young woman and theres plenty of fish in the sea.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

I think the problem is he is terribly insecure because he doesn't know what he's doing, he now knows you know that he doesn't know what he's doing, and he views your pointers as criticism. And you also betrayed his trust by faking orgasms. So he feels like a total chump. This is just my hunch.

So I would first go to him and really apologize for faking orgasm. Tell him that you felt insecure and that you just wanted to please him and that is why you did it. Tell him that you love him and think he is sexy and that you want to work with him to make your sex life better. tell him that you know you have things to learn about what will make him happy and you want to learn so you can please him. And tell him that you love him enough to trust him to share some things that will make YOU feel good. If you make it about the both of you, maybe he will be more receptive.

Your husband probably does feel intimidated by the vibrator because it has given you something that he has not been able to - an orgasm. Remember this when you talk to him. Guys have a pretty fragile ego about some things and I think this might be one of them.


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## Girlinthemirror (Jun 24, 2011)

Laurae1967 said:


> I think the problem is he is terribly insecure because he doesn't know what he's doing, he now knows you know that he doesn't know what he's doing, and he views your pointers as criticism. And you also betrayed his trust by faking orgasms. So he feels like a total chump. This is just my hunch.
> 
> So I would first go to him and really apologize for faking orgasm. Tell him that you felt insecure and that you just wanted to please him and that is why you did it. Tell him that you love him and think he is sexy and that you want to work with him to make your sex life better. tell him that you know you have things to learn about what will make him happy and you want to learn so you can please him. And tell him that you love him enough to trust him to share some things that will make YOU feel good. If you make it about the both of you, maybe he will be more receptive.
> 
> Your husband probably does feel intimidated by the vibrator because it has given you something that he has not been able to - an orgasm. Remember this when you talk to him. Guys have a pretty fragile ego about some things and I think this might be one of them.


Thanks! I will talk to him, now that I think about it he does care. Before when our sex lives were good, he really liked the manual thing and I did too. But he doesn't take direction very well. I think its also because we are having problems with money and his job isn't going well. He feels like a failure already and now I'm telling him that he is doing another thing wrong.


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## Girlinthemirror (Jun 24, 2011)

I just wanted to update incase anyone cares. I talked to my husband and he understands, he was just having a bad night. Things are great now and I feel a lot better about our relationship. He isn't intimidated about the vibrator, he welcomes it in fact. It was just a weird night. Thanks for everyones help!


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Girlinthemirror said:


> I've been with my husband for 7 years and married for 2. Before marriage we were both virgins (not for religious reasons, we just didn't date anyone before each other). In the beginning it was great, but I can't have orgasms from sex or manual stimulation. So I asked him if he would mind trying other ways. We did but he doesn't like it.
> 
> I really like vibrators and since our sex life has gone down the drain, I use them. I try to get him to do it with me but he doesn't like it, he just wants it his way. He is really frustrating me because it feels like he couldn't care less about what I need. He just fell asleep on me which is why I'm here now. Its hurtful and mean, and somehow he is upset and I'm following him around asking what is wrong.
> 
> ...



Not the least bit intimidated by them. I'm all about her getting there what ever it takes. Her fav is a rabbit, I call it her bf affectionately called roger rabbit. works good for DP.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

You know. . .I have to be honest. . .I think if I was younger, in my days, when I was trying to be good in bed

(I am of course, a stud now  )

I would have been intimidated.

I don't think any young guy wants to hear. . ."Um, honey, your XXXX isn't doing it for me. . .mind if I pull out a turbo charged, pink power rocket 3500?"

Now. . .I would definitely be open to it as a way to getting a woman "over the hump." Not only that, but I only have so many "reps" of pelvic thrusts in me nowadays. I can't just drop and give you a 1000.

Those things can do things that my you know what just can't do.

He needs to hear I think from other guys that it's okay and normal and a lot of men (the best man in wedding has a great marriage, ideal marriage in fact, and they use a vibrator in bed he confided to me) need them in the bedroom to please their wives.

Some women are just not that "orgasmic."


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