# "I Love You But I Am Not In Love With You"



## sunnybeach (Dec 25, 2011)

If that phrase resonates with you, I want to share a great book I have been devouring for the last few days. 
I left my hubby 3 1/2 years ago because he felt more like a brother than a lover. I had these feeling for a few years and I didn't understand why it had happened- I also did not think that there was a solution. 
I don't know if it is ok to share links here so here is the book:

I Love You But I am Not in Love with You
7 Steps to Saving your Relationship
by Andrew G Marshall

His website has a lot of info.
Andrew G Marshall | UK's leading marital therapist and writer on relationships

It described my problem completely and gave the reasons WHY. It also offers solutions including excersises. 

I am so relieved to finally understand what happened. This is all new to me so I am giving it time to gel- a month or so. I don't know if hubby would take me back but I can tell you that now that I have an understanding of what happened in our marriage to cause the brother/sister feeling, I am over it and want to go back and be lovers again. I can't believe I just wrote that but it is true.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Is your Ex currently on the dating scene? Have you been in regular contact with your Ex? How hard did your Ex take it when you left him? 

You know better than most what he is probably feeling like today, but my guess is that the probability of you getting back with your Ex is probably very small. If you truly feel love for your husband again, you should at least try.


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## sunnybeach (Dec 25, 2011)

Hi Plan 9, thx for your response. We have been in contact as we have remained friends that see eachother occasionally and he is not dating. I would respect his decision not to take me back, I cause him a lot of pain (I caused myself just as much pain, it has been awful.) I also know that we would both be ok in the end if he did not take me back. It has been so long now. 
I actually wanted to share with other posters that may be feeling ILYB because this book has helped me heal so much pain simply from finally understanding what went wrong in our relationship to cause the brother/sister feeling- and the fact that most times the problem can be fixed.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Have you been dating during your break-up and does your husband know this and the extent of your relationships?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Sunny,

Just read your other post

In my opinion, you shouldn't try and reunite with your hubby. It would only lead to the same issues you had that led to your leaving.

You want and enjoy a completely different lifestyle from that of your husband. You owe it to him to cut him loose and divorce him so he can find a partner who shares some of his same goals and ideals. This would be the kindest thing for you to do for him. Set him free, stay out of his life and let him move on. Your constant interactions just keep drawing him back in, creating false hopes that maybe you'll change for him


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## sunnybeach (Dec 25, 2011)

Hi Toffer,

thx for your feedback. I am open b/c I do want what is best for my hubby and myself too.

He has no idea that I am thinking of getting back together (if he'll take me back).

Here's the thing- when we met and became friends and then began dating 9 months later, I was who I am now, younger version but same ideals. He knows who I am. We have discussed it since the break up. I would never ask to get back together and then be something I am not. When we were married, I blended with his life and lost my own (not his fault)- he and I share so much love that I didn't realize what was happening- totally stuff from my programing. Honestly, I feel that what he was attracted to about me in the new stage was what he liked. 
Yes, I dated someone during our breakup and he knew about it. 

I love hubby so much that I am thinking about seeing if he will meet me half way. If not, then I will respect that. 

I am giving myself a approx 30-40 days to really think this through before I even consider telling him. I can tell you that the love I feel for him is so strong- I have never felt love like this- that is why I married him. 

If I am not 100% certain about seeing if he will meet me half way (half way for him, too) within 40 days, I will let it go.


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## LostOneForGood (Jun 4, 2012)

Hi Sunny,

I wanted to chime in here as I am a husband that was given the "ILYBNILWY" speech.. This was 9 months ago and today I am still gut wrenched, asking why and wondering how my best friend could destroy me more than anyone in my life put together ever has, so I want to read this book.

I have to say I admire you for taking the time to try and understand what happened and to even consider getting back with your ex. I would like to talk with you more about this.


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## Angus1985 (Feb 14, 2013)

Sunny,

I want to thank you for telling me about this book I just downloaded it on my Kindle this afternoon. I have been really struggling lately because I said the same thing to my Husband. I have been feeling this way for the last 4 to 5 years. We have been married almost 22 years. I was also 21 when we got married. He is eight years older than I am. Currently I have been going through what I believe is a midlife crisis. With that said I really would like to try and save my marriage. I didn't believe that you could fall back in love with someone. But many do swear that it can happen. This will be my last ditch effort to try and save this. I can then truly say that I have done everything in my power. I have the most amazing truly supportive husband. Wish me luck I'm already on chapter 2.


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## Isuck (Jul 1, 2012)

I was on the receiving end of this speech. Man it hurt. What a kick in the groin.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

How I hate those words. I got the speech too in December 2011. Wife was out of the home in January 2012. 

We've been trying to make things work the past eight months, but it hasn't gone well. Doesn't help when her best "gay" friend confidante asked me the other night why I would love someone who doesn't love me. I flipped. I called my wife up (we don't live with each other still) and told her to go "f**k herself and that I was tired of where this relationship was going and was sick and tired of being in limbo.

The next day I find myself apologizing to her gay friend even if I felt like strangling the guy. I did it to please my wife. But she isn't talking to me now because she thinks I'm a jerk.

Sorry Sunnybeach for the threadjack. May I ask Sunny, did you have an affair and that's why you had the I love you but I am not in Love with you feeling? Were you communicating with that man you dated after you separated during your marriage? That line usually means there is another man in the picture. 

Good luck to you Sunny. I do hope you get your husband back because at least you take some responsibility for your breakup. My wife just likes to blame me for everything.


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## Angus1985 (Feb 14, 2013)

What a good book, it really gives you a better understanding of what could have gone wrong.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Sunny,

I still think that the best thing you could do for your husband is to cut him loose...Sorry!

I think that if you and he even try to change yourselves just 50%, it's still not who each of you really are. The end result will still be the same as it was the last time around. You are who you are and he is who he is. You would both be expecting the zebra to change their stripes (if only half their stripes)

Your husband is holding on to the thoughts of who he THOUGHT you were when you met and married. ANY change (even 50%) on your part would again give him false hope that you could be that woman again. Of course he will aslo try and change for you. He loves you but again, how long will this change last?

The issues that led to your split up will re-surface again albeit further down the road this time. Do you really want to do this to him (and you) again?


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