# No to sex, yes to porn?!?



## hubbydude (May 15, 2014)

My wife and I have not had sex in over 6 weeks but I find out from our web history that yesterday she was looking up porn (yes, it was definitely her and not someone else). Should I be:

a) Relieved that she's not dead, sexually?

b) Hurt that on the rare occassion she's feeling a little horny she directs her sexual energy somewhere other than towards her long suffering, sex starved husband?

To weed out the obvious questions....I'm in good shape, I look after myself, I'm confident that my wife would say that she feels loved and appreciated, I'd be considered a good husband by any standard. Our sex life has been poor for the past ten years, my wife knows that this is an issue in our marriage but she chooses to avoid the issue rather than put any effort into fixing it. It's a classic HD-LD scenario.

For the record, I look up porn regularly as an outlet for my own sexual frustration. Is it unreasonable therefore, for me to feel hurt and betrayed?


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Not to point the finger in a different direction. But is it possible your not treating her in a manner that lights her fire. I say this because what you just described (minus my wife looking at porn) was my marriage one year ago. She is a typical LD woman and I'm a typical HD male. But im the one who turned things around.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If she's looking at porn instead of you, that's adding insult to injury. Why are you staying in this relationship, given that you're a long-suffering sex-starved husband?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I vote a
I'd just be happy to know something is alive.
MN


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Do you know what sort of porn she's been looking at? Is it lesbian porn? By lesbian porn, I don't mean two women getting it together so that men can watch, I mean porn aimed at women.


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## hubbydude (May 15, 2014)

doobie said:


> Do you know what sort of porn she's been looking at? Is it lesbian porn? By lesbian porn, I don't mean two women getting it together so that men can watch, I mean porn aimed at women.


It's "female friendly" porn, yes.

And to a previous point - No, she didn't follow my trail, this was a trail of her very own.


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## hubbydude (May 15, 2014)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> Not to point the finger in a different direction. But is it possible your not treating her in a manner that lights her fire. I say this because what you just described (minus my wife looking at porn) was my marriage one year ago. She is a typical LD woman and I'm a typical HD male. But im the one who turned things around.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I've read the Married Mans Sex Life Primer, which I actually found to be incredibly insightful. I've spent about three months implementing the tips and suggestions that I wasn't already doing, and while most of them were noticed ("you seem to be in a great mood lately", "you're very confident all of a sudden", and "whats gotten into you" have been heard to come from my wife's lips) there has been no apparent change in my wife or the level of interest she has in me. I don't want to give in.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Maybe she was looking at porn, hoping this would stimulate her desire for sex? isn't this what recommended here for LD women: watch porn, masterbate, practice, practice, practice.

maybe that's what she was doing???


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You said female friendly. What is that exactly compared to strait up porn? Are there things she is watching that she may wants from you but is not getting. Maybe its a clue to what she likes and is too shy to ask you to do.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

i think it is a very positive sign.

But it clearly shows she is not turned on by you. 

What type of porn? Lesbian porn? then you have a problem

Regular hetero porn, or fetish porn? then dive in. I would tell her you noticed her checking out site X, and i bought her a present (opens box, shows bondage gear, smiles at wife). Stuff like that. Maybe role play what you saw on her porn sites. Show you know her sexual urges, approve of them, and want to be involved. 

I mean at this point, what could go wrong. Maybe she jumps into the new sex role with renewed vigor. 

IF NOT, then you know it is her feelings about YOU that are holding her back. Harder to fix.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Sex and masturbation are two totally different things. One requires a little bit of prep work, the other can be done on a whim, so to speak. There is also zero pressure when it comes to masturbation.

Often LD spouses feel this pressure from their SO, which makes it more difficult to enjoy sex in general.

On top of that, the desire to orgasm is often like an itch that needs to be scratched to many people, and the easiest (and quickest) way to do that is masturbation. Quicker even with visual stimulation.

While going without sex for 6 weeks and knowing that your wife is masturbating does not have good optics, it is likely that the whole thing is innocuous and one doesn't have anything to do with the other. Sex is an intimate act and encompasses many facets, whereas masturbation generally has just one goal in mind.

Human relationships ebb and flow, and perhaps she's going through a period where she doesn't feel particularly intimate with you. If she has low desire to begin with, then sex may not even be on the radar. Were she HD, then you may not even know that she's not feeling too close to you when she isn't.

Personally, I think the last thing you should do is tell her you know she's been masturbating - this will only cause problems. For starters, it's none of your business. Masturbation is highly personal, and there's a reason it's done by oneself. Secondly, it may not mean nearly as much to her as it does to you. And lastly, masturbation is healthy and normal, and it's a good sign that your wife has a drive for it, even if it's purely for physical release.

If you insist on doing something about it, then I would suggest you try to figure out a way in which you can catch her in the act, so to speak. But instead of jumping out and yelling "A-HA!", you quietly ask her if you can pull up a chair next to her and join in.

I wouldn't go overboard in trying to catch her, though (no hidden cameras, don't stake out the computer room, etc.) You're able to see the web history, so see if there are any patterns in regards to times, day of the week, etc.

Or, if you feel this method would be intrusive or embarrass her, then figure out some way that the two of you can masturbate to porn together (without suggesting you know she's been doing it). I did this with my wife a couple years back when she was experimenting with masturbation for a few months (something she never did before, and hasn't done on her own since). Now we occasionally will do just this, next to each other, once or twice a month, especially when we're just too tired or short on time. It's amazing how intimate you can be with someone without even touching them. No pressure of any kind, and we're responsible for our own pleasure.


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

murphy5 said:


> What type of porn? Lesbian porn? then you have a problem


Why's that? Lots of straight chicks like watching lesbian porn. Its more sensual, and the female form is more pleasant to look at. Dont mean she's gay or bi.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You have discovered that she is not dead sexually. Most supposely LD pepole are actually not dead sexually. Therefore you know the problem is having sex with you. Maybe she's gay. Maybe she has a hangup. But you have to decide what the future holds.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Could be a good sign or a bad sign.

Good sign that she can be aroused and interested in sex.

Bad sign that there's something blocking her interest in having sex with you. That could be a myriad of things. 

I would lean towards the 'good sign' direction. There are some that have absolutely no 'sex pulse'.

historically how often a month or a year have you guys had sex?


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## hubbydude (May 15, 2014)

jorgegene said:


> historically how often a month or a year have you guys had sex?


We'll have sex, she'll love it, we'll do it three or four more times over the next couple of days, then nothing for 6 to 10 weeks!

After years of rejection (both explicit rejection and the tacit rejection of "well, go on then, but let's make it a quickie") I've given up initiating. So the periods of time we go without sex is really dependent on how long it is before I give in to my impulses and simply demand it. And so starts the wife's cycle of "hey, that was fun, let's do it again", followed by weeks and weeks of nothing.

I'm at the point of not wanting to try any more


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## Just dandy (Sep 26, 2014)

Feel for ya dude, sounds familiar to my situation. I am getting to the point where I don't even want to have sex with HER anymore. I keep trying to get that out of my head but at some point - somethings gotta give.


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## Just dandy (Sep 26, 2014)

By the way, my wife had some malware on her computer so she asked me to take a look at it. I don't ever look at her computer - never felt the need to. But the malware came from, you guessed it, a porn site.

When I told her how she got the malware, she got a little red faced. I just laughed it off and said - Hey if you saw anything there you would like to try just let me know. And I let her know I didn't care about her looking at porn but was glad to see she still had some kind of interest in sex.

She told me she was looking at it to try to learn or to get to ignite her libido again because she knew I was sexually frustrated. That was 4 years ago. Nothing has changed with her libido. I think she would just rather rub one out real quick when she gets the urge once every two months rather than have sex. Which I totally understand because at this point I would rather rub one out than approach her for sex.

But, like you, when we do have sex she has multiple orgasms before I finish and and gushes about how great it was. However, when I first initiate she says - just hurry and get it over with or can I just lay here. Makes no sense.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

OK so she still has a little warm blood left in her... If it doesn't include you then what's the point. Was she ever a more dependable lover? If so, I wonder if she felt she was loosing her husband/marriage if it would wake her up.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Hubby,

I vote for A) Relieved she's not dead, sexually

As for the female "friendly porn". I'm guessing it's the usual fuzzy lens, few close-ups and it doesn't end with the guy cumming all over her face? This stuff will have some girl / girl stuff but is basically heterosexual. If it's all girl / girl, that might indicate that she's playing for the other team.

Masturbation and sex are completely different. One involves physical release and is pretty straight-forward. The other is much more complicated and involves emotions and other people.

There's always the chance that she's trying to figure out how to wake up her libido.

So, overall, I'd take it as a good sign.

However, you can't let the sexless stuff go on for TOO long. If turning yourself into the ultra stud doesn't do the trick, you'll have to have the talk eventually.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

It's one thing to look at porn. It's another when it interferes with your sex life. 

If she's dialing up porn and your taking cold showers because she isn't in the mood, then you two have a sit down and let her know that this isn't working and changes need to be made and find out what the problem is but you need to talk to her about how this is making you feel.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Hubby & dandy,

I find your situation to be the most frustrating. The solution seems easy (but, of course, it isn't). Logic would say that once she understands the marriage is at risk (if she cares) she'd be willing to try having sex when she's not in the mood with the understanding that she will probably GET in the mood once it starts (Responsive Desire).

You need to be VERY clear about your needs (get her to repeat it to you, have the talk every other day, whatever it takes).

Tell her that if this doesn't get better that you WILL leave at some point. Soon or when the kids are older.

If all this doesn't work (which it probably won't), then you just have to go. If you're sticking around for a few years for the kids, start planning and preparing now. Start the 180.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

6301 said:


> It's one thing to look at porn. It's another when it interferes with your sex life..


It doesn't interfere. She doesn't want sex either way.


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## hubbydude (May 15, 2014)

Buddy400 said:


> Hubby & dandy,
> 
> I find your situation to be the most frustrating. The solution seems easy (but, of course, it isn't). Logic would say that once she understands the marriage is at risk (if she cares) she'd be willing to try having sex when she's not in the mood with the understanding that she will probably GET in the mood once it starts (Responsive Desire).
> 
> ...


Would you consider "talking" and doing a 180 to be opposites in this case? We talked last night and I didn't get anything from her that leads me to think there will be any changes. So I'm considering the 180 concept but I worry that last night's conversation has left me looking "needy" in her eyes, and doesn't set me up well. On the other hand, perhaps it will make a 180 seem all the more dramatic.

The question is, when you're feeling frustrated, desperate, and undesired, is there a way to talk about how you feel while coming across strong and independent? If there is, I'd love to know how that's done.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

hubbydude said:


> The question is, when you're feeling frustrated, desperate, and undesired, is there a way to talk about how you feel while coming across strong and independent? If there is, I'd love to know how that's done.


Start the conversation with "I'm tired of being your doormat".


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

I just want to weigh in that watching lesbian porn doesn't make you a lesbian or even bi. I've been with girls. Didn't do anything for me. But I still like lesbian porn. 

And to be clear - by "lesbian porn" I mean two women who are in to each other and treat each other softly. Two women acting like porn stars and looking at the camera a lot is not a turn-on for me because it is a performance for the man watching, not the women truly enjoying each other. 

If the lesbian porn is soft - lots of kissing and caressing, it could be that your wife just needs more romance and non-genital touching to get her warmed up. 

Guys need to get this 'cause it's completely the opposite for them - in order to feel aroused, a woman needs you to touch her a lot in places other than her genitals first.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

hubbydude said:


> Would you consider "talking" and doing a 180 to be opposites in this case? We talked last night and I didn't get anything from her that leads me to think there will be any changes. So I'm considering the 180 concept but I worry that last night's conversation has left me looking "needy" in her eyes, and doesn't set me up well. On the other hand, perhaps it will make a 180 seem all the more dramatic.
> 
> The question is, when you're feeling frustrated, desperate, and undesired, is there a way to talk about how you feel while coming across strong and independent? If there is, I'd love to know how that's done.


I don't think doing the 180 at this point will make you look needy. It will more likely make you look like you've crossed the line and given up. Frankly, it should worry her at this point. If she cares. And if she doesn't care, well, then what's the point?


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

hubbydude said:


> Would you consider "talking" and doing a 180 to be opposites in this case? We talked last night and I didn't get anything from her that leads me to think there will be any changes. So I'm considering the 180 concept but I worry that last night's conversation has left me looking "needy" in her eyes, and doesn't set me up well. On the other hand, perhaps it will make a 180 seem all the more dramatic.
> 
> The question is, when you're feeling frustrated, desperate, and undesired, is there a way to talk about how you feel while coming across strong and independent? If there is, I'd love to know how that's done.


If you had "the talk" and there is no doubt that she understands the problem, then move directly to the 180.

Talking does make you look vulnerable and was worth a shot, but she missed her chance. Now convince her that you're invulnerable through your actions. If she asks what's going on, simply say "I already talked about this with you. I have no interest in having another discussion".

10% chance she cracks when she sees that you might be serious. 10% chance she'd like to crack but her pride won't let her. 80% chance you're out of a unfulfilling situation and well prepared for the better life to follow.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Porn is completely ok.......as long as your have a healthy sex life.

Since you don't OP, it is NOT ok and can be a BIG ISSUE.

Talk to her about it.....


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

For me, knowing my partner was interested in sex, but NOT interested in sex with ME would be a kick in the nuts. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Buddy400 said:


> It doesn't interfere. She doesn't want sex either way.


well then that does not make any sense.

Unless you are an obese pig who has not showered all week, then the only other options are:
1) she is having a torrid affair
or
2) she has become lesbian and is not longer turned on by hetero sex.

She is NOT LD, because....she is masturbating to porn all the time! :rofl:

what else can it be? im all out.


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## hubbydude (May 15, 2014)

murphy5 said:


> She is NOT LD, because....she is masturbating to porn all the time!


To be clear, I never suggested that she's doing it "all the time". I only noticed it this once and I'm fairly sure it's a rare occurrence. If it was "all the time" then frankly I wouldn't be coming on here asking if it was reasonable to feel hurt by it.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

murphy5 said:


> well then that does not make any sense.
> 
> Unless you are an obese pig who has not showered all week, then the only other options are:
> 1) she is having a torrid affair
> ...


It could be any number of things. Resentments towards her spouse could mean she still horny but doesn't want sex with him. There could be CSA issues that are unresolved, which may mean sex by herself is easier/less traumatic. He could be a lousy lover, unable to help her achieve an orgasm. 

But all those things are able to be worked on, if they're brought up. Hiding them and rubbing one out isn't going to help anyone. It's just going to build resentments in him. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hubbydude (May 15, 2014)

PBear said:


> It could be any number of things. Resentments towards her spouse could mean she still horny but doesn't want sex with him. There could be CSA issues that are unresolved, which may mean sex by herself is easier/less traumatic. He could be a lousy lover, unable to help her achieve an orgasm.
> 
> But all those things are able to be worked on, if they're brought up. Hiding them and rubbing one out isn't going to help anyone. It's just going to build resentments in him.
> 
> ...


For the record, I'm a good lover.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

hubbydude said:


> For the record, I'm a good lover.


I'll take your word for it. . I was just saying that being a lesbian or having an affair are not the only two reasons why a woman might be interested in sex but not sex with her husband. No offense intended. 

And hey, at least I kept the penis size comments out of it! 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hubbydude (May 15, 2014)

PBear said:


> And hey, at least I kept the penis size comments out of it!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


lol, I can assure that's not an issue either.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Buddy400 said:


> It doesn't interfere. She doesn't want sex either way.


  Well then you still better have a sit down with her and let her know that you do.

I takes two to make a marriage and one to tear it apart and having a spouse that doesn't care about his/her spouses needs can wreck a marriage.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Hubby I think you should be careful about how you approach this. Assuming that porn is a replacement for you is premature. No matter what, you need to make changes in yourself that may improve your sexual attractiveness to your wife or any other woman. These are things you need to do anyway. 

Your wife's interest in porn may be good or bad. Time spent doing what you need to do to make yourself a better more secure partner will do you more good that dealing with a possible porn problem. If porn means she is still interested in sex then she will with you.

If the changes you make don't work then you have to decide if there is anything in your relationship to work on. It does not really matter if porn has replaced you or not at that point. You have to then decide if you want to help your wife with a porn addiction or expend your energy forming a new relationship with another woman. Not easy choices to deal with.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I am seeing in W a struggle with intimacy. Porn is an easy sex thrill without the emotional investment. The pattern of small spurts of sex followed by long droughts may be signs that the emotional requirement of marital sex may be overwhelming. Like PBear said, it could be signs of past childhood sex abuse.


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## hubbydude (May 15, 2014)

FormerSelf said:


> I am seeing in W a struggle with intimacy. Porn is an easy sex thrill without the emotional investment. The pattern of small spurts of sex followed by long droughts may be signs that the emotional requirement of marital sex may be overwhelming. Like PBear said, it could be signs of past childhood sex abuse.


We've been together for 19 years, married for 13, and I'm pretty sure there is no history of abuse, and I've also heard nothing from her that would lead me to think that she may be gay.

Perhaps I simply need to ask her if she:
a) is possibly gay
b) suffered abuse
c) isn't into me

I would expect a "No" from each of those questions, which doesn't reconcile with her actions at all :s


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## hubbydude (May 15, 2014)

Catherine602 said:


> Hubby I think you should be careful about how you approach this. Assuming that porn is a replacement for you is premature. No matter what, you need to make changes in yourself that may improve your sexual attractiveness to your wife or any other woman. These are things you need to do anyway.


This is good feedback and this is where I was a few months ago. I workout three days a week and play soccer once a week and I'm in as good a shape as I've ever been. I've changed my hairstyle and improved my wardrobe (as much as I can afford to). It's difficult to appear confident and self-assured all the time when the woman I love has apparently no physical interest in me but I try to project confidence in any case, at least to her. All of these efforts have been noticed by her but after three months they haven't resulted in any practical change in her behaviour or her affection / attentiveness towards me. Should I be giving up or re-doubling efforts?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

hubbydude said:


> This is good feedback and this is where I was a few months ago. I workout three days a week and play soccer once a week and I'm in as good a shape as I've ever been. I've changed my hairstyle and improved my wardrobe (as much as I can afford to). It's difficult to appear confident and self-assured all the time when the woman I love has apparently no physical interest in me but I try to project confidence in any case, at least to her. All of these efforts have been noticed by her but after three months they haven't resulted in any practical change in her behaviour or her affection / attentiveness towards me. Should I be giving up or re-doubling efforts?


Or you could try communicating clearly with her...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

assuming you have exhausted all the possible approaches to her, and it seems like you have, then I would vote for the 180 also.

I would recommend 180 to all the guys (and women) out there with intractable spouses as far as intimacy.

I was in a sexless relation ship with a CSA survivor who refused to talk about sex. Whenever I would bring it up either gently or in frustration, the tears would start. She would admit her problem and then do nothing about it. Counceling was out of the question.
Occasionally there was intimacy (making out) but no sex.

So I gave up, went about my life and consigned her to room mate status. I contented myself with my own life in and between her BPD dysregulations was reasonably happy until she started cyber cheating and then left her.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Lordhavok said:


> Why's that? Lots of straight chicks like watching lesbian porn. Its more sensual, and the female form is more pleasant to look at. Dont mean she's gay or bi.


And tis why I have come to believe most women are bisexual - guys can't look at gay porn without being gay, but women can? what? :scratchhead:


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## jay1365 (May 22, 2013)

I'd rather my wife watch lesbian porn than big c%÷k porn.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

This is not good. It is obvious that your wife has not lost her sexual desire just lost her sexual desire for you.

Are you sure there is no one lese in the picture?


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP:

are you afraid to just ask her why she was at those sites? if it was just one time she may have just been curious. hard to conclude anything at all based on just that.

don't be afraid to just talk to her straight up. if married people can't be up front with each other it's time to pull the plug on the marriage anyway.......


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## Melvynman (Mar 19, 2014)

Intercourse might be painful for her. When she masturbates is she just stimulating her clitoris? 43% of America women are sexually dysfunctional, meaning low desire, intercourse is painful, they don't get wet and need lubricant for intercourse etc... 

Women are design by evolution to be promiscuous. We have repressed their sexuality to meet our demands of paternity. Ever seen what happens to killer whales tale in captivity? It gets out of shape and it's fin becomes dysfunctional. Your wife is trying hard to be faithful to you and in doing so she is slowing becoming sexually dysfunctional. She is animal first and designed to find the best DNA match to ensure survival of the species. She one of the very few animals that can have sex for pure pleasure. She is multi-orgasmic and can have sex for hours with several men. Evolution designed her to be sex pleasure loving animal looking for the best DNA match. 

We taken the most sexual promiscuous animal on the planet brainwashed it into thinking its monogamous... and it slowly becomes sexually dysfunctional and we wonder why! 

The drug companies are working hard for a cure they see billions in profits. Marriage counselors, sex therapist, porn industry all making money. 

This little bit of information I have given you isn't going help. There is a problem called sexual imprinting. I use to tell people to stop her from becoming sexually dysfunctional, have her go out and have sex with someone else. She is not going to go. She is monogamous! She feels safe and secure with you. Food, shelter and safety are her first priorities in life. I forgot about her sexual imprinting. Her sexuality is controlled by imprinting. 

Sorry I think I made the problem bigger. Good luck.


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