# Lay it on me, folks



## dumped4another (Dec 16, 2009)

My wife and I have been together since 1992, married in 1997. We have a beautiful 11 yr old daughter. My family is truly the one thing in my life I am most proud of. My love has grown for her everyday since our first date and I thought she felt the same about me. Last December, she started to ask me if she could go out with some friends from work on a number of occasions. I had no problem with it because my trust for her was ironclad. She would get home from these nights out after 1 am and when I asked her how her night was, she would be vauge in her answers and one time, hopped right into the shower! Uh-Oh, I thought. This can't be happening. When I asked her if something was going on, tears flowed from her eyes and she said she wanted a divorce. Devastated would be an understatement in my case. I asked if there was someone else, she said no. She just fell out of love. Well, after a couple of weeks (she was still going out) I started doing some investigating and that led me to her phone. It was there I found my answer. Texts from a friend of hers from work stating how "addicted" he was to her. My world just burned down all around me. This CAN'T BE HAPPENING!! I guess lies and deceit go hand-in-hand with cheating. My family was crumbling. She then proceeded to tell me she hasn't felt anything for me in 3 or 4 YEARS and that she had relations other than the current one. Total embarrassment and disbelief on my part because I DIDN'T NOTICE that something was terribly wrong. How could I be so blind!??! This was my best friend! We had a great sex life, but she said she was fulfilling her "wifely duties." Am I going crazy?? I thought we were sharing something and this is what she says to me? After a couple of months, she asks if it's too late to work it out. I took her back without hesitation. I love her and I don't want my daughter to see divorce, not in our house. I try everything to make things right, but for the next 4 months, something is very wrong, and I can feel it. She still sneaks off to talk to him on the phone (I know this because I check her phone from time-totime.) We argue about it, but I still want this to work, but now just for my daughter. We resume having sex, and it's good, but the "wifely duties" feeling is prevalent here. After 4 months of trying, she ends it again. She is now in love with him, and he is leaving his wife for mine. She told me the reason she got back together with me was because he was trying to work it out with his wife. My wife told me she convinced him to leave her wife so they can be together. My wife is terrified, I guess, at being alone. She waited until she had someone else lined up to get the courage to tell me she wasn't happy. I'm just dying a terrible death at this point. I loved her so much. I loved being married to her. Now, we're divorcing and they are making their plans (she goes out 3-4 times a week and talks to him on the phone like they are in high school. Yes, we are in the house together and my daughter has no idea about the other man.) I guess I'm a glutton for punishment. I know I'm clinging to something that once was there, but not anymore. I wish I could be like some men who can wash their hands of it and move on, but I can't deny the feelings I have for my wife. I thought I was a good husband, NEVER cheated on her, and thought I was her best friend. Boy, am I clueless. I've been so depressed, lost interest in a lot of things, but I'm trying to be strong for my daughter, who was also devastated about this, but she's dealing with it. I understand how people can fall out of love, but how could she do this to me this way?? I don't deserve this. My wife agrees, but she can't help the way she feels. She goes out with him right under my nose! What do you all think about this?? Can I ever trust again?? I feel pathetic and like a total loser.


----------



## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

You are not pathetic or a total loser. Your love and trust for your wife has been betrayed.
Let her go. She's in a fantasy world right now. And the more you cling, the more she'll run. Let her go.
Work on yourself. Grieve. Take care of your daughter. Take care of yourself.
People do fall out of love but that doesn't give anyone the right to break vows and commitments. It's a coward's way out of a marriage. I know you love her. And it's going to be difficult but let her go.


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

ahahaha. Honey you are not pathetic or a loser. You know whats gonna be funny?? Is once they are both together they are probably at some point gonna realize that they don't even LIKE each other. Yeah its all fun right now while they are still in two houses. Move in together, start smelling each others poo, see them when they are sick and nasty. The thrill tends to get thrown out the window. And guess whats gonna happen when one of them isn't happy with each other? Yep, they are gonna step out. Its a vicious cycle sometimes and unfortunately you got caught as an innocent bystander. Be strong and take care of that daughter!


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Dumped,

Tell your wife to move out -- do it. She will regain some of her respect for you. She has to understand the consequences. Listen to Wren, the more you cling, the less attractive you are to her. Kick her out and don't worry about the consequences to her - she made this bed now she must lie in it. It is hard and will be hard on you -- believe me it will be. At least she admitted it. 

You need to work on you and your daughter and that is it. It will be hard to block out the memories of good times, but make sure you remember the bad she has done.


----------



## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

Always listen to FA. Kick her out!


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You won't have to look far to find stories very similar to your own.

It only becomes pathetic if you continue to allow her to harm you. And she will - for as long as you choose to allow it.


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Im so sorry your going through this. Nothing can seem to help the rejection. I say kick her out too. My H has been gone two weeks this past monday. You cant let her continue to drag your self esteem down by staying there. She is blinded by her lust and doesnt care about anyone but herself now. She needs some alone time so she can focus on this illusion she has that the whole world revolves around her happiness. Wish it wasnt happening to your family. Keep reading posts and talking about it. Its shocking how many people find themselves in this situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Whether you do or don't kick her out - you have to start learning to detach. Its the only way to stay sane.

It isn't about you. Its about her chasing some stupid romantic dream that will fade much sooner than she expects.

So many similar stories - but I still feel sick just reading about yet another person ruining everyone's life around them - including their own.


----------



## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

you don't deserve what is happening to you and I feel for you, so many of us here have gone through the same thing, it sucks. I go through many emotions everyday, angry at him, doubting myself. Just take it hour by hour and then day by day and yes I think you should ask her to leave, out of sight out of mind works to some degree for me.....the wondering what and where and with whom will go away if she isn't under your nose.......maybe she will wake up when she is away from her comfort zone and realize the fantasy life isn't real(for long anyway)....
hang in there, post here for support


----------



## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

oh dumped,

i feel for you! 

listen to fa and wren! they know their stuff... they wont steer you wrong.

my h is in a very bad place right now...even after his own drs confirmed my own feelings of depression and mlc...

low testosterone has a HUGE effect on both of these things and he is in complete denial.

I have learned the hard way...do for yourself and your little girl...mine are quite a bit younger than yours. I know this helps tremendously though!

whether you do or dont ask her to leave...at the very LEAST set some boundaries for her...she MUST feel and see the consequences of what a divorce will truly be like.

i would also suggest some counceling for yourself and your daughter...it too helps tremendously!!

keeping you in my thoughts!


----------



## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Hey man I feel for ya, been there divorced that. The best revenge you can have for a man that steals your wife is to let him keep her.


----------



## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Women in particular will _rewrite the history of the relationship_. They might have been telling you they loved you all along and having crazy hot sex with you. But as soon as they want to move on they announce they never really felt all that much for you and have been basically out of love with you for years. The sex was basically just because you seemed to need it and they weren't really into it and they just can't fake it anymore. Sorry. It's not you, it's me. It's just something I have to do. I do love you, I'm just not in love with you.

This all probably started back in December last year. Most women are only capable of being emotionally into one guy at a time, and she's switched her allegiance. Once they are actively sleeping with another man it's very hard to bring them back. Even if they come back, you may not want them anymore after everything that webt down.

You absolutely should not tolerate her living in the same house as you and having sex with another man. That's either break it of immediately and end all contact, or get out of my house.


----------



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

Dumped,

You are not pathetic or a loser you just had your feelings and trust stepped on. The advice about kicking her out is valid it will give you some of the power back that she sucked out of you. Its hard and its going to get harder. However taking that step will help you begin to right the ship even though it feels like the ship is at the bottom of the ocean. Hang in there, everyone here wants to help..


----------



## dumped4another (Dec 16, 2009)

Hey Everyone,
I'm just AMAZED by your kind words and support. When stuff like this happens, you feel like it's only happening to you and the rest of the world is fine. I talked to a priest the other day and was surprised when he told me there were many people in my own parish going through what I'm going through. When I'm sitting there in church, I only tend to notice the families. We're putting the house on the market and I'm slowly moving my stuff out. Any kind of separation at this point is good. The holidays are killing me, though. I never thought it would be this tough, letting go. The divorce should be final soon...my whole family (who really loved my wife) can't wait! Anyway, thank you for your feedback. All of you are great people, in my book. Thank you, thank you, thank you.


----------



## dumped4another (Dec 16, 2009)

Thankfully, I have started counseling a little over a month ago. Talking this out has certainly helped. I'm really working on getting out of this self-loathing phase. My daughter is coming with me this week as well, so I'm very happy about that because she doesn't tlak about it much. Thanks again for your support. It really helps.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

> Women in particular will rewrite the history of the relationship. They might have been telling you they loved you all along and having crazy hot sex with you. But as soon as they want to move on they announce they never really felt all that much for you and have been basically out of love with you for years. The sex was basically just because you seemed to need it and they weren't really into it and they just can't fake it anymore. Sorry. It's not you, it's me. It's just something I have to do. I do love you, I'm just not in love with you.


I have to disagree with you here, Atholk. Too many people get married for wrong reasons--being totally, madly, passionately in love with someone you've known LONG enough to see in all sorts of situations (at least a couple of years) is the only good reason to get married. Both men and women marry b/c they are afraid no one else will want them, and the other person is very nice and "he's my best friend," but they are not passionately attracted and the reality is, they shouldn't have married in the first place. Women, in particular, get swept up in the wedding fantasy and the dream of having kids. None of this justifies marrying someone you do not love more than anyone else, someone to whom you are anything less than "I want to rip off your clothes" passionate about. I think men are more likely to make the mistake of assuming the sexual attraction is ALL that matters, or to marry as a way of avoiding loneliness, also a big mistake. 

If people waited for "this is the one who makes me forget about all others, and s/he is a fine person of integrity whom I can trust," marriages would be a lot stronger. But very few of us know what to look for, and then we are told, "marriage is a lot of work." Of course even two people who start out with all the right stuff in place will have to work at marriage. What chance do those who start out for the wrong reasons stand? Why do you think people are "rewriting" their history? They wouldn't be falling for others if they were happily married in the first place!


----------



## dumped4another (Dec 16, 2009)

Can't really disagree with what you are saying here. FOr the past year, I've been replaying just about everything in my head, trying to figure out where it went wrong, or better yet, did she EVER love me? Do I really know what it means to be in love and how to make a marriage work? My head is spinning right now because I'm thinking "should I do everything the opposite next time?" if I ever find myself in another relationship. I guess I have no idea of what "happiliy married" means. I really thought I was a good husband, that I had this figured out. I genuinely loved and cared for her. I don't know if any of this makes sense, I'm just so messed up over this and deathly afraid to get involved again. My love IQ must be 0.7 or something.


----------



## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

Sorry, I agree with Atholk. My wife rewrote the last 15 years.....in a matter of weeks. I believed her for about a month after she filed - until I looked thru some old photographs and also found out she was having an affair. The rewrite is due to the guilt. It is a way they justify their actions.

Hang in there dumped.....the road is rocky but hold your ground and take care of your daughter. I am in a similar situation and can relate a bit. You are not alone.


----------



## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Dumped I know it's rough.. For a guuy an affair is the worst thing for our heart. Once a women goes for another we get very angry.. Relationships fall apart because BOTH make mistakes. I don't think replayingthe past year is a good indication cause I am sure it's deeper then that. I will tell you this. If you are the man you say you are. You will have your day eventually. Let her see what she wants. Having her face reality quicker will wake her up from this fantasy.. Take care of yourself and your assets.. Fight for your custody. Make your D feel loved.. Good Luck..


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Dumped, 
I am sorry for what you are going through. My H told me he hadn't loved me for 10 years. That was a year ago. I spent quite a while taking it all on board and thinking I must be the most obtuse person in the entire marriage world - but - eventually I got to a point where I realised that these comments don't mean a whole lot except to the person who utters them. And in most circumstances judging from the posts on this board people rarely say these things unless they are under the influence of being in love with someone else.

I understand the point of view of those who say that people wouldn't fall in love with anyone else if their relationship was fulfilling them - but it is way more complex than that. Way more complex.

Also there is no correct way to fall in love - or reason to get married - no marriage is failsafe - we are human and come to it with all our messiness and our faults....there are only real relationships - and they hurt like hell sometimes.

Dumped I hope that you can come to a point where you aren't taking all her crap on board and you can understand that no matter what she says - what matters is what you did - how you loved and your truth. 

And as for your wife even if what she is saying is entirely true (which is doubtful) why did she not speak up about it until now?

We can love and care and cherish but we can't read minds. 

Be gentle and kind with yourself don't punish yourself with her version of your shared life.


----------

