# In sickness and in health - poll



## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

Blonde wrote:



Blonde said:


> 70yo MIL has been a widow for 10 years. Tried dating and says "I'm not going to get remarried. Old men are just looking for someone to take care of them and I'm not signing up for that!!!"
> 
> Bam. Marriage remains hard on women. If I'm married and my H was to get Alzheimers, I feel a sense of obligation by the vows I made in front of God "in sickness and health". I couldn't justify to myself dumping him for two 40's because he isn't putting out anymore.... Pat Robertson: Alzheimer's Makes Divorce OK - ABC News


A person who has Alzheimer did not choose this... I wonder what TAMers would do if the person chooses a lifestyle that will neccessarily lead to ill health. Say the person is a diabetic and his or her doctor warns him against eating to much sugar and he / she lives on candies and sugary drinks and does not take any advice.

What if the person habitually picks fights, you discouraged him / her and he /she and ends up disabled from one?


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

That's a tough question. Random bad luck, of course I stay and help. 

Poor choices is a different ball of wax. I can tend to be judgmental, I have very low tolerance for bad behavior. I feel like I vetted my husband out pretty well before we got married and can't envision him doing something extremely irresponsible. If he started making bad decisions it would really put the marriage under stress, I can't say for sure I would stay but I think I would?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

It was in the contract that I entered into.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

Thound said:


> It was in the contract that I entered into.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What if the person picks up a habit he or she did not have when you married. For example the persons starts doing drugs and ends up with AIDS or the person becomses quarrelsome, gets into fistfight and ends up severely brain-damaged?

What if the person had the habit of picking fights before you married but kept it a secret?


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

There are several addicts in my family. This has caused so much turmoil in my life, I'm pretty sure I couldn't stay if it was substance abuse. I don't think he'd want me to stay, I would probably be to angry to be around. I would never want my children exposed to an active addict either. 

No need for me to get divorced, I would never remarry. We would have to live separately though.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I'll make tea said:


> What if the person picks up a habit he or she did not have when you married. For example the persons starts doing drugs and ends up with AIDS or the person becomses quarrelsome, gets into fistfight and ends up severely brain-damaged?
> 
> What if the person had the habit of picking fights before you married but kept it a secret?


Oh its easy for me to say it now, but
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

I don't think I could divorce someone for health reasons, circumstance, or even for poor choices. It would take conscious poor choices that blatantly harmed the marriage combined with an unwillingness to change to make it acceptable for me to leave.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I married someone older and it was a must for me that he be fit and health conscious. I'm not signing up to be a maid for someone that abuses themselves. When he has health problems because he's older I'm ok with helping him, because that can't be avoided.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

theres no right or wrong for this question. each and every person has to decide for themselves.

with that said i voted depends.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

What constitutes as a bad choice though? Just the doing drugs, unhealthy eating as you described? Or someone who enjoys sky diving, driving fast, MMA fighting, or other extreme sports? THe latter some see as bad choices, others see as a lifestyle/hobby.

For me the behavior, such as you described with drugs or not taking precautions for a condition or disease, would concern me more than the consequences. Like, an alcoholic who is drunk in their free time for years, and one day gets in a terrible car accident driving drunk and paralyzes themselves... sure I see the correlation, but the behavior is what would have bothered me, not the outcome. So, either I would have left the alcoholic after they refused to change long before the car accident and injury, or I would have chosen to stay and put up with it, and therefore if the alcoholism didn't break my vows, then the life altering injury certainly wouldn't either. I'm sure that would be a HUGE wake up call to them, and perhaps make them choose to live their life differently both in necessity because of their disability, and in their demeanor having gone through that. Perhaps it could make the relationship better in some regards, especially if you stick together. THough I wouldn't necessarily fault someone for choosing otherwise. I just think it makes more sense to leave a raging alcoholic than to leave someone who just fell into a life changing injury, ya know? But, who's to say how I'd feel actually going through that. I can only speculate.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I'd stick with my DH. I wouldn't have done that for my ex though and I knew that while we were married.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Because that's what I vowed to do


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It depends, for both of us. I've stuck with her through a long-term disabling chronic illness (finally treated successfully), a serious back injury, and cancer, and never considered leaving. Of course, none of those things were due to bad choices, and I can't see either of us beginning to make choices that negatively affect our health.

That said, neither of us would want to prevent the other from seeking a happy, healthy relationship if we can't provide it. It would greatly depend on what was possible at the time such a circumstance arose, and we'd make a joint decision on how best to handle it. I doubt that either of us would abandon the other or not remain involved in their life in some way.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Hold their ponytail over the toilet, clean them off, tuck them in on their side so they don't aspirate. Try to get them to get help. 

Lather rinse repeat.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

My husband is overweight. I have been on him to exercise and to loose weight. If he completely ignored me and continued to gain and gain and gain, I would not stick around. I would not stick around a spouse who became so fat they needed a special seat to sit in, two airline seats, couldn't go up a flight of steps. Call me whatever name you want, but I didn't marry to watch a slow and debilitating suicide.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> My husband is overweight. I have been on him to exercise and to loose weight. If he completely ignored me and continued to gain and gain and gain, I would not stick around. I would not stick around a spouse who became so fat they needed a special seat to sit in, two airline seats, couldn't go up a flight of steps. Call me whatever name you want, but I didn't marry to watch a slow and debilitating suicide.


That would be really hard. I would lose respect for him, too.

I don't talk about it a lot, but I really like the fact that dh has stayed the same weight since we married. He is not particularly muscular (never lifts weights), but he looks trim (6'2", 200 lbs.)

I don't talk about attractiveness a lot, either, because I always feel bad when men talk about it. But it is important to women, too. People tell me dh is nice-looking, but I think I take it for granted. 

Is your husband as attractive as you are, AP? Your picture is so pretty. I am guess he is good-looking, too, but that is somewhat offset by the extra weight?

And I think your comment about a slow suicide is very thought-provoking. Hadn't really considered it that way before.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> My husband is overweight. I have been on him to exercise and to loose weight. If he completely ignored me and continued to gain and gain and gain, I would not stick around. I would not stick around a spouse who became so fat they needed a special seat to sit in, two airline seats, couldn't go up a flight of steps. Call me whatever name you want, but I didn't marry to watch a slow and debilitating suicide.


DH's mom is this way. I guess I wasn't thinking about this when answering bc I can't see DH ever letting himself get like his mom.He hates the way she is and how she's just slowly killing herself.almost on purpose it seems bc she refuses to do anything to help herself.

I totally respect your view on it.At some point you have to save yourself and not let the other person drag you under with their horrible choices.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

jld said:


> That would be really hard. I would lose respect for him, too.
> 
> I don't talk about it a lot, but I really like the fact that dh has stayed the same weight since we married. He is not particularly muscular (never lifts weights), but he looks trim (6'2", 200 lbs.)
> 
> ...


He is goodlooking! He was a gymnast and presently has the build of a gorilla. When he stopped working out 6 hours a day the weight came pouring on. He's still strong as a gorilla but it saddens me to see his puffy swollen face. I miss the way his smile took up his whole face.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> He is goodlooking! He was a gymnast and presently has the build of a gorilla. When he stopped working out 6 hours a day the weight came pouring on. He's still strong as a gorilla but it saddens me to see his puffy swollen face. *I miss the way his smile took up his whole face*.


Have you told him this, straight out?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

jld said:


> Have you told him this, straight out?


Yes I have! When his weight gain first started to bother me I would only ever say that his face is swollen and I miss his smile the way it was. But now I just tell him straight out, loose weight!


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## whattodoskidoo (Sep 13, 2013)

My ex-H was a really good man for a lot of years. Then for some reason began having trouble coping with things but instead of talking about it, turned to alcohol. He became an alcoholic. He started taking it out on me verbally and treated our front door like a revolving door, coming and going. The last time he left, I said ENOUGH. It wasn't the kind of environment I wanted for our kids and it was abusive. He needed to know it wouldn't be tolerated. Yes I made vows but so did he. And he broke them. 

I'm deeply grieved that it came to this.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Runs like Dog said:


> Hold their ponytail over the toilet, clean them off, tuck them in on their side so they don't aspirate. *Try to get them to get help. *
> 
> Lather rinse repeat.


Alcoholic?

I wouldn't stick around for that.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

The whole sickness/health thing makes me really glad DH wasn't around when I was still harming myself.I'd like to think he would stick with me through that but ya never know with people.

Although,I think it's pretty safe to say most married folks who still love their partner would stick by them if they saw the person was honestly trying their best to get better.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

You know, I think I am one of the most demanding women on TAM. But I think I have one of the best marriages on TAM, too. Correlation?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

jld said:


> You know, I think I am one of the most demanding women on TAM. But I think I have one of the best marriages on TAM, too. Correlation?


Possibly 

I call myself demanding.DH calls me reasonable LOL


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

depends....

1) how strong is the rest of the marriage
2)do you still love eachother
3)self induced or self inflected vers a problem you/thay had no control over
4) would you be in harms way by staying....mental illness which the partner becomes violent.

just a couple off the top of my head.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Yes I have! When his weight gain first started to bother me I would only ever say that his face is swollen and I miss his smile the way it was. But now I just tell him straight out, loose weight!


How about, instead of saying, Lose weight!, you just leave it at, "Honey, I miss how your smile used to light up your whole face." 

But say it every time you think it, along with other things you genuinely feel. 

"Honey, I remember how trim you were when we first met. I thought it was so cool you were a gymnast. I was so proud of how hard you worked on your body."

"Honey, I love you, but your being overweight makes me worry for your health. I feel like I am watching you commit slow suicide. That's why I tell you to lose weight."

Just keep everything really feeling-based, just everything out of the love in your heart, out of transparency.

I always feel scared to give you advice, AP. I think you know so much more than I do, and that it is so cheeky of me to say anything to a pro.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Possibly
> 
> I call myself demanding.DH calls me reasonable LOL


Lol! You are with the right guy! :smthumbup:


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

jld said:


> How about, instead of saying, Lose weight!, you just leave it at, "Honey, I miss how your smile used to light up your whole face."
> 
> But say it every time you think it, along with other things you genuinely feel.
> 
> ...


I love your advice for anon Pink, jld!


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I have thought about this before (although no longer married) and it really would just depend. 

The scenario that got me thinking about this was a situation with a friend of a friend... a well off, attractive, fit, vivacious, happy, loving couple was riding on a motorcycle when a car pulled out in front of them and the motorcycle hit the car. He took the brunt of the impact and ended up a quadriplegic whereas she escaped with a few broken bones. She stuck by him for YEARS but she was in her 40s and still active and very attractive. They tried to work around the sexual part. Eventually he gave her freedom to have a physical relationship. Eventually she did. But she also eventually fell in love. He understood - it tore both of them apart. It's not what either of them wanted. He couldn't ask her to sacrifice her entire life for him (he needed 24/7 care) knowing there would eventually be resentment. She didn't want to abandon him. 

Sometimes life deals a lose-lose crappy hand. I don't know that I am any better of a person. Honestly I don't know that I could stick it out. I also know that I wouldn't expect someone else to. There are lots of situations where we would LIKE to think we'd be completely devoted. I know I would, but the truth is there ARE circumstances where I couldn't do it. If it makes me selfish, maybe I am.

But there are plenty of things I WOULD work around. In that instance it wasn't just sex, it was companionship, everything had changed, not just one facet of the relationship. I can deal with a limited life, but not ending everything that made it a marraige.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I would die to protect her, even from herself. If it was when our children were little, I might separate for their well being, but I would never leave her.

Our kids are grown now, I would take care of her as long as I have life.

She had a small surgery recently and after she fully recovered, I cried. I hated that she was temporarily disabled and in any pain. I love her far more than my own life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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