# Why? Feeling Lost, Confused, and Deeply Hurt



## RooksGambit (Apr 30, 2017)

First time poster and I'm feeling so lost and upset and confused and sad...

I met my wife six years ago and we married three years ago. We don't have kids. We always had a very special relationship, virtually no arguing or fighting, if one of us is upset we talk it out relatively calmly. We always greet each other at the door with a warm hug and kiss and do the same right before bed. We had a very loving relationship with lots of cuddles and sweetness. We also have a ton of things in common, similar personality types, backgrounds, interests, etc. Far more than with anyone I have ever dated (which was a lot).

Two years ago I decided to go back to school full time to get a degree in Nonprofit Management. I wanted to do something for a living that makes a positive difference in peoples lives, like work at a charity or foundation. My wife agreed to fully support me while I go to school, so I quit my job and became a student again at 46. Emotionally it was a difficult transition for me. Without work I started getting depressed and ended up fully clinically depressed, although I didn't know that at the time. I was just a piece of couch poop, never really doing chores, or engaging in conversations, and not going out. 

Our budget also crashed during this time and we got seriously in debt. We couldn't even afford to go out to eat. It was challenging making ends meet. I did get a part time job to help with the bills but it wasn't enough.

Last September my wife said she was feeling emotionally disconnected from the relationship but she wanted to work it out, she explicitly said she didn't want to split up. 
In November she said she was still feeling the same way and we started seeing a marriage counselor in December. I asked her if she was truly committed to counseling and she promised she was.

We were still getting along fine during this time. If you were a fly on the wall in our house you'd think we had a great relationship. There was no aggressiveness, passive or otherwise. There were no visibly withdrawn emotions. We were still giving each a warm hug and kiss at the front door and before bed. We were still talking and getting along great.

Suddenly, during only our 3rd counselling appointment my wife said she wanted a separation and left. A week later she said she wanted a divorce. This was two months ago.

She has totally refused to talk to me or meet with me at all. I'm not even close to being an angry type of person, I'm your basic nice guy so I don't understand why she won't talk to me. Two weeks after she left, she already contacted a lawyer and said she's filing for divorce.

I'm emotionally shocked and stunned at the suddenness of it all. I miss her deeply and feel a gnawing empty pain in my stomach. My whole life is now up for grabs, I can't afford to support myself on this part time job and if I get a full-time job, I can't finish school on schedule. I only had one year of school left but if I'm going part-time, it'll take years. 

I'm just in complete shock because it makes no sense...we were getting along fine. She since emailed and said she is not having an affair or anything, she just feels "out of love" and her heart isn't in it.

Since she left I started antidepressants for the depression and am talking to a therapist. I feel much better, like I'm not in depression anymore but I'm still devastated at losing her. I've been emailing her, begging her for another try. I told her I was on antidepressants and that I'm better but she stubbornly refuses. Her last email to me said that she will not change her mind and never will. 

I just don't understand, we had a very sweet relationship with hugs and kisses at the door and before bed, and so many things in common we're almost the same person. 

I wish she would give things another try, she never even gave me one try, it was just all so sudden...she has every reason to give it another try, we have soooo much in common and we got along so great. I don't understand any of this...

I'm so hurt and shocked and confused by it all. She won't listen to me or even talk to me. None of this makes sense.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old is your wife?

Clearly your relationship was not as strong as you thought it was. Your wife was not willing to deal with the level of financial problems and depression that your going back to school caused. She probably did not realize what was going to happen when she agreed to your going back to school. When she saw the reality of it, it just was not something she was willing to deal with. 

Would you have quit your job and gone back to school if you were not married? My bet is not since you clearly do not have the money to support yourself through school. Have you looked into student loans and grants to help finance your education?

ETA: if this degree and career field is what you want, get a job and continue to pursue it. The effort will be worth it.


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## RooksGambit (Apr 30, 2017)

My wife is 36 and I'm 47. I'm already getting student loans to pay for school but they're not enough to pay for an apartment and bills. I do want to find a way to finish school and not part time because that will take too long. I'm hoping that if we sell the house I'll get enough from the sale to survive the last year of school.

But most of all I just want my wife back. I still love her so much and I miss her terribly.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Well in a lot of these stories the when the wife detaches like this she is cheating. I would do some research and see if this is true. It happens more then you would believe if you are new to these sites. 

Unfortunately it seems that even though she agreed to support you, you may have fallen pray to the fact that she was supporting you. Even though the zeitgeist of the age is that women and men have the same role and expectations of a mate and therefore reversing traditional gender roles are not an issue, experience and these boards has shown human nature hasn't really caught up to many of these modern women. 

Lot's and lot's of women see supporting a man financially makes them weak and unattractive. They want a man who makes them feel safe. This actually makes sense evolutionarily, until 50 years ago being safe made it easier to take care for children which was the women's primary role. Now the paradigm has shifted in modern society and many women are in much better place to take care of themselves and their children without a mans help (at least financially) but it I believe this feeling is ingrained in their nature. 

I will add the age thing probably also contributed to it as well. Hopefully you didn't spend a lot of time playing video games, or other traditionally activities that young men do. That may have caused her to start to feel your realtionship was more a Mother child dynamic. 

I know I will get flak for saying all this but I have just read too many threads like this. If I had a son or if a male friend was considering doing this I would strongly advise against it. I know this doesn't help you though. 

Sorry man.


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## RooksGambit (Apr 30, 2017)

Tergis said:


> Try to see it from her point of view.
> 
> You go from being a hard working supportive spouse, to quitting your job so you can go to school so you can give to people who are less fortunate than you are.. which not only eliminates your ability to earn a living but puts you in greater debt due to school expenses, and then your finances tank which you really should have seen coming, and then you become clinically depressed.
> 
> Basically your whole life went into the ****ter and she wants no part of you or it, for reasons that if you think about it, are not completely unreasonable.


She's actually the one who encouraged me to go back to school. I was not sure if it was a good idea. We did work out a solid budget and found we can afford it and still contribute to our savings. Unfortunately there was a few unforeseen expenses, medical and home repair that tanked out budget.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Did your wife want children?


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## RooksGambit (Apr 30, 2017)

No, neither of us have children. Also I forgot to add that I'm her first long term relationship, before me she'd only been with someone a few months at a time at most.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

What does your wife do for a living? Does she work around a lot of masculine, successful men?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

RooksGambit said:


> *No, neither of us have children.* Also I forgot to add that I'm her first long term relationship, before me she'd only been with someone a few months at a time at most.


You did not answer my question. I did not ask if you have children. I asked if she wants children.. as in the future.


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## RooksGambit (Apr 30, 2017)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> What does your wife do for a living? Does she work around a lot of masculine, successful men?


Not really, she works in an office as a supervisor, most of her staff are in relationships. I'm sure she isn't having an affair, since she left me and said she's filing for divorce, she's had ample opportunities to tell me over email that another person is involved and she has not. I also think that would be out of character of her, so I strongly suspect that is not happening. However, it is possible she has a crush on someone and thinking about those possibilities with a new person, while contrasting it against me being depressed could be at play...but I really have no idea for sure. She hasn't said or hinted at anything like this.


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## RooksGambit (Apr 30, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> You did not answer my question. I did not ask if you have children. I asked if she wants children.. as in the future.


Oops, sorry, no she not only does not want children, she adamantly does not.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If yours is the first long term relationship she has ever had, then she is probably not long term relationship material. 

You significantly changed your relationship by going back to school. That would but a heavy burden on any relationship. Add to it your depression and financial issues, that would break most marriages. Then add it to her lack of experience and or desire in dealing with the ups and downs of long term relationships and you have what you now have.

She is not a good match for you, and visa versa. So she left.

I see that others are going to try to now turn her into a cheating wife. It's really not all that like that she cheated. About 14% of women cheat. Most women who divorce are not cheating. They just find themselves in a marriage that is not meeting their needs.

I was married to a guy who feel into a deep depression and did nothing to fix it... for 10 years. After 10 years of it I finally divorced him because he would not do what was needed to get out of the depression and it was horrible to live with. I wish I had done what your wife did, left sooner than later.

I'm sorry, not trying to beat up on you. Just trying to get across that people who experience a depression have an obligation to deal with it ASAP and not wait until after they are shocked out it when their spouse walks out the door.

It's time for you to concentrate on yourself now. She not coming back. So get yourself to a better place. Finish your degree and get the job you want, doing what you want. Once your are settled and living the life you want, then look for a woman who will appreciate you for who you are.


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## RooksGambit (Apr 30, 2017)

Thaks Ele, I do get that and I'm sure the pressures of the budget, the depression, and my going to school are huge contributors. I wish I recognized the depression before she left, I feel like now that I started antidepressants and therapy she has a good reason to come back and try again but she won't do it and that hurts a lot. 

I'm sure her lack of experience is also contributing. She wasn't into a "no long-term" type of lifestyle, it just kind of worked out that way for her. I think she wishes she had more long term relationship experience but she was always too focuses on school and work. 

I just wish there was some kind of silver bullet, or key thing to say or do that will convince her to give things another try. We had so much in common and got a long so great. I also feel kind of betrayed. She promised to be committed to marriage counseling then bails after only the 3rd appointment? That really hurts. I feel like she could have handled that better. Instead of promising to be committed to counselling she could have left it open, like saying "we'll see how it goes", or "it depends on the first few appointments" or any variation. The promise to be committed then leaving at the 3rd appointment is hard...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

RooksGambit said:


> Thaks Ele, I do get that and I'm sure the pressures of the budget, the depression, and my going to school are huge contributors. I wish I recognized the depression before she left, I feel like now that I started antidepressants and therapy she has a good reason to come back and try again but she won't do it and that hurts a lot.
> 
> I'm sure her lack of experience is also contributing. She wasn't into a "no long-term" type of lifestyle, it just kind of worked out that way for her. I think she wishes she had more long term relationship experience but she was always too focuses on school and work.
> 
> I just wish there was some kind of silver bullet, or key thing to say or do that will convince her to give things another try. We had so much in common and got a long so great. I also feel kind of betrayed. She promised to be committed to marriage counseling then bails after only the 3rd appointment? That really hurts.


 I’m sure it does hurt.

I’ll be that if she told things from her point of view we would also see a woman who is hurt.

You are right that there is no silver bullet. I wish that there was. How that would be wonderful. Instead we are left to deal with stinking real world outcomes.

Keep working to make yourself the best person you can be. You will get over this. I hope you find someone else in the future who is a much better fit for you.


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## RooksGambit (Apr 30, 2017)

Thanks, I appreciate the well wishes. Right now I keep emailing her and asking her to come back. I'm being very respectful of her space, not calling her at all, or doing ambush "show ups", or even texting her....Just email. My latest round of emails are asking her to please try again for summer and if it doesn't work, as painful as it would be, I'll accept everything graciously. I told her I'm on antidepressants and I feel better, more engaged and talkative. I told her I would make sure a summer try is fun and enjoyable no matter what. No discomfort, or awkwardness, just a focus on fun and enjoying the season. I'm sure it probably won't work, but until the paperwork is before me, I feel like I need to try.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

RooksGambit said:


> Thanks, I appreciate the well wishes. Right now I keep emailing her and asking her to come back. I'm being very respectful of her space, not calling her at all, or doing ambush "show ups", or even texting her....Just email. My latest round of emails are asking her to please try again for summer and if it doesn't work, as painful as it would be, I'll accept everything graciously. I told her I'm on antidepressants and I feel better, more engaged and talkative. I told her I would make sure a summer try is fun and enjoyable no matter what. No discomfort, or awkwardness, just a focus on fun and enjoying the season. I'm sure it probably won't work, but until the paperwork is before me, I feel like I need to try.


It is reasonable for you to let her know that you still want to try to fix your relationship. Just know that after a while it can look like begging. That is not attractive. Say it once and let her know that it’s up to her now to contact you if she is interested.

Then stop it. Stop what looks like begging. It will only push her further away.

Start doing things for yourself. Do you work out? Do you have a social life?


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## RooksGambit (Apr 30, 2017)

You are all too right about the begging. I think I already crossed that line, sadly. 

I don't really work out too much but I'm naturally fit, not overweight at all. My social life has suffered. I started turning to meet-up website in the last few weeks and joined several groups. I've gone out with these groups 3 or 4 times and had a really good time so I plan to keep going. I'm not native to this area and I have no friends or family nearby so I'm pretty isolated. I recognized that sitting around feeling sorry for myself was not healthy and that's why I started going to the meetups. It's weird for a guy who is naturally shy to go to a group of strangers and start talking, but that's what I'm doing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

RooksGambit said:


> You are all too right about the begging. I think I already crossed that line, sadly.
> 
> I don't really work out too much but I'm naturally fit, not overweight at all. My social life has suffered. I started turning to meet-up website in the last few weeks and joined several groups. I've gone out with these groups 3 or 4 times and had a really good time so I plan to keep going. I'm not native to this area and I have no friends or family nearby so I'm pretty isolated. I recognized that sitting around feeling sorry for myself was not healthy and that's why I started going to the meetups. It's weird for a guy who is naturally shy to go to a group of strangers and start talking, but that's what I'm doing.


Meetups are a great way to get out and meet people. Good on you for doing that. 

One of the reasons that I mention working out is that it’s as good as, or better than anti-depressants. So if you were to start some kind of physical activity, it could help move you out of the depression and off the meds sooner. Here locally we have several meetups for things like walking, hiking, white water rafting, etc. These are physical activates that could really help you.

You might feel that going to a group and interacting is weird for a guy who is shy, but most likely a lot of the people going to those meetups are just the same as. There will often be a few who are very outgoing. But a lot of the people are just like you.

Do you have a Facebook account? Maybe post some of the active things you’re doing on your account. Your stbx probably checks out your Facebook.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

If she already has a crush on someone, and isn't into long term relationships, she is already out. I'm not saying she is having an affair, just that she is already looking and has moved on.

As Elegirl already said, being honest with her is good, but you've already made your heart desires known. You need to leave it in her court now. There is no need to postpone the divorce if she is not interested in trying one more time.

Be glad that you have no children, because the divorce will be easier, and you will both really be able to move on and not be continually in contact after the divorce.

I'm sorry this is happening. Take this as a learning experience for the next time. Keep posting here and reading, and hopefully you will learn the signs for a more committed person, and will know to get help sooner if you become depressed again.


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## RooksGambit (Apr 30, 2017)

Thanks to both of you. To answer the Facebook question, I do have one but I mostly lurk. I don't post and it would be weird to start now. 

On the advice here, I did email my wife and told her that as much it pains me, I'm stopping all the emails to her (except practical stuff). In a weird way, all my emails to her, which have been daily, made me feel still connected to her...but I need to let go. It's so hard because I still love her very much. I'm also still in the house we shared, all alone...at least until I somehow find an affordable apartment. 

I miss her so much and I wish this wasn't happening. I feel so betrayed by her promises to be committed to work things out, and of not giving me any chance to do anything. No second chances, no working things out...I was just dumped and that hurts terribly but there's nothing I can do about it


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

RooksGambit said:


> Not really, she works in an office as a supervisor, most of her staff are in relationships. *I'm sure she isn't having an affair, *since she left me and said she's filing for divorce, *she's had ample opportunities to tell me over email that another person is involved and she has not. I also think that would be out of character of her, so I strongly suspect that is not happening*. However, it is possible she has a crush on someone and thinking about those possibilities with a new person, while contrasting it against me being depressed could be at play...but I really have no idea for sure. She hasn't said or hinted at anything like this.


Ignorance is bliss until it isn't. C'mon man she's not going to come out and tell you. 

At this time you don't know. Go online and check your phone bill. At least rule that out.

I get you want to further your education but quitting and going back full time may have seemed like a good idea but that's a lot of burden to put on someone even if they agreed to it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Tergis said:


> Try to see it from her point of view.
> 
> You go from being a hard working supportive spouse, to quitting your job so you can go to school so you can give to people who are less fortunate than you are.. which not only eliminates your ability to earn a living but puts you in greater debt due to school expenses, and then your finances tank which you really should have seen coming, and then you become clinically depressed.
> 
> Basically your whole life went into the ****ter and she wants no part of you or it, for reasons that if you think about it, are not completely unreasonable.


This is what my thoughts were as well. 
Didnt you work out the money before you gave up working? Surely you must have known that you wouldn't have enough? 
Maybe she got fed up with supporting a man who wasn't pulling his weight and sat around all day?

I hope she will tell you why she made that decision, she owes you that .


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## Joyfull (Apr 27, 2017)

How was your sex life?


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## RooksGambit (Apr 30, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> This is what my thoughts were as well.
> Didnt you work out the money before you gave up working? Surely you must have known that you wouldn't have enough?
> Maybe she got fed up with supporting a man who wasn't pulling his weight and sat around all day?
> 
> I hope she will tell you why she made that decision, she owes you that .


We did yes and we found we would not only be fine but have extra money to tuck into savings. What happened was a few unexpected emergencies, one medical related to a surgery she had to have and the other related to the house. 

I'm sure she was fed up with a man not pulling his weight. I think that's part of the answer, the rest lies in my depression. No one would love a depressed piece of couch poop who doesn't talk much and doesn't do much. I do wish that now that the depression is passing she'd give it a chance but I'm sure it's too late which is a shame. We had a really nice relationship with a ton of things in common and we loved each other very much.


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## RooksGambit (Apr 30, 2017)

Joyfull said:


> How was your sex life?


Not great but not terrible either. It was definitely sub-par from a normal relationship but not too much below normal...for sure it wasn't "dump him" bad, so I think sex contributed to other things but wasn't the overall cause. I think the overall cause was the depression.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

RooksGambit said:


> We did yes and we found we would not only be fine but have extra money to tuck into savings. What happened was a few unexpected emergencies, one medical related to a surgery she had to have and the other related to the house.
> 
> I'm sure she was fed up with a man not pulling his weight. I think that's part of the answer, the rest lies in my depression. No one would love a depressed piece of couch poop who doesn't talk much and doesn't do much. I do wish that now that the depression is passing she'd give it a chance but I'm sure it's too late which is a shame. We had a really nice relationship with a ton of things in common and we loved each other very much.


Unfortunately some people just end a marriage without working through things and that's sad. :frown2: Do what you can to slow the divorce down, she may change her mind.


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

Rook - I'm an older guy, a lawyer and an ad hoc counselor for many guys in your shoes. My office has been a revolving door for many on your path.

You have a "walk away wife". I have never seen a WAW return to the marriage. She is done. The signs were there a long time Rook. You just didn't see them.

So what do you do? You stop with the emails. You're writing to a person who no longer exists. Complete the divorce, get the assets divided and go on and complete the course of study. Hopefully you will find good employment and you can begin to write the next chapter in your life book.

Ele recommend hard exercise for you. I totally agree. Get to a gym and start lifting heavy weights. There is something about lifting heavy that helps the mind, body and soul. You may be able to wean yourself off of the antidepressants. Continue with the meet ups.

Good luck to you.


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## Joyfull (Apr 27, 2017)

"I think the overall cause was the depression." 


IMHO and from my past experience, Rooks it was "ALL" things together that may have caused her to lose interest. My ex-husband who was the primary provider quit his job to go back to school and to put icing on our cake, we had an unplanned pregnancy right at the beginning of the transition. It was pressure for me being the primary/sole provider, new job, new city/state, new mother and good wife. But my ex-husband absolutely carried his weight at all times in the household and did great in school. We worked as partners/team to insure everyone was well taken care of.

Your wife, who didn't previously, found someone(you) that she thought that she could spend her life with given her previous relationships which were very short term. 3 years in, through her support and to help her mate(you) realize his dreams, you went back to school. However, she was full on behind you but then you left her unsupported in her new, full, stressful role.

You:
-Got depressed and sat on the couch.
-Didn't contribute financially until things got "bad"
-Didn't pull your share of weight with chores
-You no longer wanted to do outside activities
-You closed yourself off and didn't talk much
-Sex life was sub-par
-Chose to do nothing about it until she left

How were you when she had surgery? Were you supportive or too depressed to be supportive?

You are/were dealing with a woman who seemed independent given her previous short term relationships and she has a job that can support 2 people. She works all day and supervisor others and then has to come home and manage all the marriage responsibilities. A marriage that is dying because one partner has completely changed and checked out. For some, that's a bit too much. She probably feels that she got a better deal being Single verses being in a empty marriage with someone who has given up except to realize his dream.

Not sure if she mentioned anything before it was too late but if you are confused and shocked, maybe not or maybe you were too depressed to notice or hear.

Sorry, but you had a good deal but depression and maybe some selfishness killed it. So sorry.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

RooksGambit said:


> Last September my wife said she was feeling emotionally disconnected from the relationship but she wanted to work it out, she explicitly said she didn't want to split up.


I got the same talk except she did not want to work it out.



RooksGambit said:


> In November she said she was still feeling the same way and we started seeing a marriage counselor in December. I asked her if she was truly committed to counseling and she promised she was.


My W came once and told me she was not interested as it would not change her mind



RooksGambit said:


> We were still getting along fine during this time. If you were a fly on the wall in our house you'd think we had a great relationship. There was no aggressiveness, passive or otherwise. There were no visibly withdrawn emotions. We were still giving each a warm hug and kiss at the front door and before bed. We were still talking and getting along great.


Same here but it was all an act or habit clearly as it was in your situation



RooksGambit said:


> Suddenly, during only our 3rd counselling appointment my wife said she wanted a separation and left. A week later she said she wanted a divorce. This was two months ago.


You made it 2 more than me Kudos to you, if you were the onc who forced it she probably felt like she had to go but was not committed.



RooksGambit said:


> She has totally refused to talk to me or meet with me at all. I'm not even close to being an angry type of person, I'm your basic nice guy so I don't understand why she won't talk to me. Two weeks after she left, she already contacted a lawyer and said she's filing for divorce.


I poured my heart out numerous times and it was all fruitless, did not even get a response most of the time, she was checked out and saw me as nothing anymore.




RooksGambit said:


> I'm just in complete shock because it makes no sense...we were getting along fine. She since emailed and said she is not having an affair or anything, *she just feels "out of love" and her heart isn't in it*.


I got word for word the highlighted and the there is no one else which I am really doubting now but have been unable to prove yet.



RooksGambit said:


> Her last email to me said that she will not change her mind and never will.


Believe her currently something is making her want to leave and you pushing is going to drive her even further away as it did in my situation.



RooksGambit said:


> I wish she would give things another try, she never even gave me one try, it was just all so sudden...she has every reason to give it another try, we have soooo much in common and we got along so great. I don't understand any of this...
> I'm so hurt and shocked and confused by it all. She won't listen to me or even talk to me. None of this makes sense.


I never had a chance, 12 years, 2 kids and none of the issues you described financially and she moves on without a care in the world, it will never make sense and that is something I am still coming to grips with.

Listen to the people on here who have been in similar circumstances do the 180 and try and be more successful than I was, I left myself too mentally weak and looking back I believe there were times i possibly could have saved my marriage but I was not right mentally to pull it off and in all honesty if someone can get up and walk out on you that easy then whats going to stop them in the future so probably a good thing. I am 6 months in and it is very hard and I do feel for you and hope you find some happiness and security again.


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## RooksGambit (Apr 30, 2017)

Joyfull said:


> "I think the overall cause was the depression."
> 
> 
> IMHO and from my past experience, Rooks it was "ALL" things together that may have caused her to lose interest. My ex-husband who was the primary provider quit his job to go back to school and to put icing on our cake, we had an unplanned pregnancy right at the beginning of the transition. It was pressure for me being the primary/sole provider, new job, new city/state, new mother and good wife. But my ex-husband absolutely carried his weight at all times in the household and did great in school. We worked as partners/team to insure everyone was well taken care of.
> ...


All too true and I get what you're saying. As far as the surgery went I was actually fully supportive, never leaving her side, getting any needs taken care of like food, shopping, etc. I was a really good caretaker

It's a shame that I started the antidepressants a few weeks after she left. I wish I would have realized that I was depressed while I was with her but I didn't. Now I'm feeling better and not depressed but it's too late. If only she'd give a second chance, now that I'm clear of the depression I know I could win her heart back but she won't. I wish there was something I could do but there is nothing and that powerlessness is hard to accept.


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## Joyfull (Apr 27, 2017)

Well the good news is that you are not "powerless". Today and the next and the next and so on, you have an opportunity & power to continue to get better for YOU. 

Remember, you had something going that you were able to be with a short timer for 6 years and she was willing to fully support you. You have a heart that desires to help others. You now realize your part in the failure of your marriage.

Your depression could have come because you weren't challenged enough mentally. Meaning, I'm one of those ones who had to have a full time job and went to school full time for both my graduate and undergraduate degrees. I went to school at night and had online classes. Finished both on schedule. And I had a husband and child. If I'm not challenged, engaged in a fulfilling activities, I can get in a funk, depressed. I've learned that about me. No person can fix that. No pill can totally fix that. I know that I need to be mentally challenged in a variety of ways in order to stay engaged in life. 

Also, don't keep engaging her or chasing after her. That's a turn off for some for sure. 

Process it, feel it. Try to stay in the moment and just work on the better you day by day.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

She can't miss you if you won't go away.

I had a very wise "safe man" on email to advise me and work through these things.

Right now... you're simply an annoyance.

If you cut off all communication and get your **** together, she may surprise you.

For example... I ignored my wife for 72 hours and found her in my kitchen when I returned on a date with a former model.

That started turning things around. And, it took YEARS.

She's my life partner now.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

Just remember, if it's HER idea to reconcile, then it's a good one.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

I actually haven't told many people this part of the story.

Yes, when I found her in my kitchen, we had the "hysterical bonding" and the fantastic sex, blow jobs, etc.

She was gone - again - 3 months later.

Once she decided she wanted me.... we rebuilt things from the first brick.

Patience is a virtue - when you're on the RIGHT ROAD.

As for now? You are way too much of a hurry to fix.

Nothing will be fixed now.

Rebuild yourself and be patient.

There is no substitute for working on yourself.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Last but not least.

Don't listen to what she says... watch what she actually does.

She loved the man you were at one time.

BE that man again. Not for her, but for you.

If she rethinks it? GREAT. You can cross that bridge at that time.

But, what if she doesn't?

You have lost nothing. You're just a better man for the rest of your life.

Is that a bad thing?

Play the long game.


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## RooksGambit (Apr 30, 2017)

Thanks Joy and Return. I appreciate the comments.

Joyfull- I think you're right about the depression being because I wasn't challenged. My grades were great, straight A's but I had a lot of downtime where the lack of an immediate purpose and challenge caused me lose sight of myself.

ReturntoZero - I wish I could play a long game but within two weeks of separating she already contacted a lawyer and got paperwork rolling. It's hard to play a long game when she's playing a super short one.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

RooksGambit said:


> Thanks Joy and Return. I appreciate the comments.
> 
> Joyfull- I think you're right about the depression being because I wasn't challenged. My grades were great, straight A's but I had a lot of downtime where the lack of an immediate purpose and challenge caused me lose sight of myself.
> 
> ReturntoZero - I wish I could play a long game but within two weeks of separating she already contacted a lawyer and got paperwork rolling. It's hard to play a long game when she's playing a super short one.


Then stand tall. No fear.


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

Rooks and Moving: You are both in the same situation and these are among the saddest threads on this board. In both cases, there must be another man, and yet you have not discovered that and are blaming yourselves for the split. Guys, there is nothing wrong with either one of you. There is another man who has stolen your wives hearts. It seems obvious to me, but maybe I am wrong. The key is how fast the wives proceed with divorce. They are in a hurry to get with the other man. I can't understand how a woman can leave her loving and devoted husband and young children for another man. I also don't understand how any self-respecting man can seduce another man's wife and steal her heart, break up a family like this. May God comfort you both.


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