# Wifes past



## mikey234p (Jun 16, 2012)

My wife of 18 years has recntly told me a secret. Something she done in high school that she knew would really hurt me. Is this something I should dwell on or let the past be the past. We have had a great relationship thus far. Any comments would greatly help.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

You should let this go.

Seriously, you even have to ask?

Edited: Sorry, I didn't mean to be so snarky. If you have a good relationship, and it's been good for 18 years, then whatever she did in high school is irrelevant, unless she conspired to kill a whole bunch of people. I hope you find peace.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Let it go. Bit stupid to tell you if she knew it'll hurt you. But don't hold it over her head. 

That is of course if it isn't infidelity related.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

What she told you is less important than why she brought it up just to hurt you. But why would something she did in high school hurt you anyway? We were all young once. She has a right to her childhood.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Whatever she did, it is in the past. Everyone has their own personal secrets. As long as she is being truthful and honest in your relationship and what she did isn't a deal breaker to your personal morals, you shouldn't let i bother you so much


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Well, it depends on what she did.

If she killed someone, I think that would matter.

If she was a h00ker, that would matter. 

If she was part of a gang orgy, that would matter.

If she had a boyfriend before you, that to most people would not matter.

If she did anal in high school and would not do that with you, that would matter.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Munch1 said:


> None of those. She slept with a black man. I'm white


mikey234p?

Or what?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Munch1 said:


> None of those. She slept with a black man. I'm white


And this bothers you?

Okay. That's all I need to know. Go with God.


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## mikey234p (Jun 16, 2012)

Not sure who that was. That was not the secret


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Huh? That isn't the secret?


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## mikey234p (Jun 16, 2012)

No, I don't have a problem with that.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Then why did you mention it?


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## mikey234p (Jun 16, 2012)

I didn't. Not sure where that came from. The secret has to do more with a family member


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, in that case, she was probably sexually abused and needs your understanding more than ever. It took her years to tell you this.

Or she sexually abused someone, in which case I cannot advise you.


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## mikey234p (Jun 16, 2012)

Maybe it would help if I disclosed a little more. She slept with a family member of mine. She was in highschool at the time, she is now 39 years old.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

That must be terribly painful, but really, at this point?

Does it change who she is? Does it change 18 good years?

I'm more concerned with why she told you. Was she trying to hurt you?


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## mikey234p (Jun 16, 2012)

Does not change her.
She said she just couldn't live with the secret anymore.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lamaga said:


> Then why did you mention it?


Look at the name of the poster who posted that... it was not the OP.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mikey234p said:


> Does not change her.
> She said she just couldn't live with the secret anymore.


What is her and your relationship with this family member now? Is this person over all the time? How often do you see him?


If you have had a good relationship this should not matter at all.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, eff me. EleGirl, you are so right. Mikey, I'm sorry for the assumption that I made.


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## mikey234p (Jun 16, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> What is her and your relationship with this family member now? Is this person over all the time? How often do you see him?
> 
> 
> If you have had a good relationship this should not matter at all.


We haven't seen him for about 15 years. I had a feeling awhile back and asked her then. She denied ever doing anything with him. I think the secret hurts more than the act


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, sure. That's natural and normal. But still, I think at this point, it would be a great gift to you both for you to forgive and let it go.


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## mikey234p (Jun 16, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Well, eff me. EleGirl, you are so right. Mikey, I'm sorry for the assumption that I made.


Thank you elegirl. Not a problem and no apology needed


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## WorkOnIt (Jun 6, 2012)

aug said:


> Well, it depends on what she did.
> 
> If she killed someone, I think that would matter.
> 
> ...


I like you lmao.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

mikey234p said:


> We haven't seen him for about 15 years. I had a feeling awhile back and asked her then. She denied ever doing anything with him. I think the secret hurts more than the act


This is something you should tell her. Lies are so often worse than the secret they protect. The reason is lies are a betrayal of trust, and that goes right to the soul.


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## mikey234p (Jun 16, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> This is something you should tell her. Lies are so often worse than the secret they protect. The reason is lies are a betrayal of trust, and that goes right to the soul.


We talked it over, she knows the lie hurt worse. Now I just need to get the images out of my head and move on.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mikey234p said:


> We haven't seen him for about 15 years. I had a feeling awhile back and asked her then. She denied ever doing anything with him. I think the secret hurts more than the act


How old were both of them when this happened?

How many years after this did you and she start a relationship?


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

By looking at the years it looks like she dated him before you,or you and your wife dated 4-5 years before you got married and she cheated on you with him during that time?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

If she slept with your father, that matters.

If she slept with your brother while dating you, that matters.


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## Bambusa (Feb 3, 2010)

If she wasn't involved with you at the time, I'd say it's the past and let it go.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Some of you just love throwing gasoline on smouldering embers, don't you?

Shame.


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## mikey234p (Jun 16, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> How old were both of them when this happened?
> 
> How many years after this did you and she start a relationship?


She was 17 at the time. He was 18

We started dating a couple years after that


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Yeah, Mikey, that's all in the past. I know it's difficult, but yeah. It's not a big deal in the grand scope of life.


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## mikey234p (Jun 16, 2012)

NewM said:


> By looking at the years it looks like she dated him before you,or you and your wife dated 4-5 years before you got married and she cheated on you with him during that time?


She never dated him. She says she did it to get even with another BF. She claims there was nothing to it and can't even remeber the details.

I truly trust her and believe she has never cheated on me.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Can you get past this? Give yourself time to process this. Take as much time as you need.

Like your wife with her guilt, I imagine you'll now have problems with that knowledge. It's not something you can bury in your head. I imagine it's hard to see him in the future and not get upset.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> This is something you should tell her. *Lies are so often worse than the secret they protect. The reason is lies are a betrayal of trust, and that goes right to the soul*.



And I think that's something that a lot of people misunderstand, especially WS's.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

mikey234p said:


> She was 17 at the time. He was 18
> 
> We started dating a couple years after that


You should let her off on this one. Not the lie, but the act itself. You weren't dating, you had no claim to her. She admits it was a one time stupid thing. He had her once and you had her how many times in how many places and how many positions? If she had known she was going to marry you I am sure she would have never slept with him. But she couldn't know she would marry you could she. I don't think she was trying to hurt you. I think she couldn't live with the hurt inside her anymore. Yes, she knew it would hurt you and that is what was hurting her.

Show her unconditional love and try not to get run over by the freight train that will be her gratitude.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Let's hope it was a one time thing. Only 2 people know for sure - his wife and "him" the relative.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

mikey234p said:


> My wife of 18 years has recntly told me a secret. Something she done in high school that she knew would really hurt me. Is this something I should dwell on or let the past be the past. We have had a great relationship thus far. Any comments would greatly help.


 Although I am tempted to tell you to let it go because it happened s long ago in the past, it really depends on what she told you. For instance, if she told you that she slept with your bother or father that should not be let go of. We need to know more.


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## mikey234p (Jun 16, 2012)

Not that close of a relative


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

mikey234p said:


> Not that close of a relative


so, not a brother or a father. then let it go (if you can)


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

mikey234p said:


> Not that close of a relative


 You have correctly already told her that it was the lying that hurt you the most. Tell her the fact that she came forward with the truth on her own is why you will try to let it go. If you do not punish her for being more open and honest with you, she will be even more open and honest moving forward.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

mikey234p said:


> Does not change her.
> She said she just couldn't live with the secret anymore.


Be damn glad she told you. What if you found out next week through some other means. How would you feel then?

As long as there isn't some motivation here for her to hurt your feelings, I think it is a really good thing that she told you.

Now, this is new information to you. To her it is very old information. I think you two need to discuss that aspect of it so that she understands what is going on in your head. If she had told you way back when you were dating, it would have been difficult for you. So now it is also difficult for you, though with age and experience it should be less so than it would have been.

This is a great opportunity for you to discuss with her the need for open honesty.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

:scratchhead: So she slept with your 2nd cousin twice removed who you haven't seen in 15 years and this bothers you? :scratchhead:


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

She lies to you
She keeps a secret for years and year
She decides NOW is the time for you to know
She decided for years that you had no right to know and that it is okay to lie and keep things hidden



If you are okay with this than there is no problem. 




But i cannot understand how some people can tolerate lying and living with a liar and how this does not bother you is what is really interesting.


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## Bambusa (Feb 3, 2010)

The lie would be the thing that would hurt me the most too. It would be a breach of trust and that takes a little while to get back sometimes.

It's likely something that will pass over time. The fact that she did finally come out and tell you the truth will hopefully go some way towards healing that breach.


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