# Here I am again...



## jenn123 (Sep 28, 2008)

I'm back where I was three years ago and I am so fed up. First a little background info...

I'm 27, my husband is 28 and we have been together for 11 years, married for 3. In general our relationship has been good and happy. We've just hit a couple huge bumps that are tearing us to shreds.

Three years ago, my husband had an EA with a woman he worked with. There was lots of lying going on and when he was found out we decided to separate. We were apart for about 6 weeks before deciding to reconcile. During our time apart he continued to see her and the relationship became physical. That was hard for me to accept but I eventually came to the conclusion that since it happened while we were apart I could be fine with it. 

Ever since then it has been really difficult for me to trust him. Every now and then certain circumstances would come together that just didn't seem right to me and I would question him about it. Every time I was wrong...nothing was going on and I was just being paranoid. I felt really bad because I knew he knew I didn't trust him completely and I didn't know if I could ever get back to the point where I did trust him 100%.

So over the past week or so I start to get suspicious of him again. He had been texting this woman that he met through work more than usual. Finally things start to add up...he told me he was going to a friend's house for a party and was going to buy some beer on his way over there. I really didn't think anything of this until I noticed on our bank account that he hadn't bought anything. I wasn't checking up on him...just making sure our finances were in order. I thought that was odd but just continued on with my night. He started texting me during the night and was messing up his texts way too much. It was out of the ordinary for him and it made me start to question whether he had been telling me the truth. Then he starts texting me saying that he's in no condition to drive and he's going to crash there. I tell him, ok I don't want you driving home drunk of course but I'll come pick you up. He didn't even acknowledge any of these texts. I offered multiple times to come and pick him up. Very suspicious at this point. Later, I was on facebook and noticed that he had deactivated his account. This wasn't too surprising...he had mentioned that he had been thinking about it. I don't know why but after I noticed this I decided to search for his name. I ended up finding another profile of his and he was friends with this other woman on that profile. At this point I was almost certain that he was with her and cheating on me. So I start to call him and text him and of course no response. Eventually he called me back, made himself sound groggy and drunk and I ask him to take a screen shot of his phone showing his current location. Maybe that's overkill but I knew he was not where he said he was and of course he refused to do it. He started getting mad at me and telling me I need to stop all of this so then I tell him that I found his other facebook profile. Almost immediately he becomes awake and coherent and says he's on his way home. 

So when he gets home we have a long talk. He told me he was at a bowling alley with this other woman and only her. He insists that he does not have feelings for her and that nothing physical is going on between them. I don't know if I should believe him. He says he likes to spend time with her because she is fun and he can talk to her about his problems. Apparently he has been going to her about his problems with me...which seem to be mostly boredom. I asked why he didn't come to me and tell me there was a problem. We both recently started new jobs, I started back at school....things have been busy and stressful....there's less time to spend together. Any night that is available, he always ends up going out with his friends. It doesn't seem fair to me...I don't think he's given me a chance. 

Now we're a few days out from the big argument. We're more civil with each other but things are definitely still tense and I am definitely more confused than ever. I can't say that I know he still loves me. He says he does but he doesn't act like he does. He agreed to stop seeing and talking to the other woman and as far as I know, he has. I just don't know how or if I even can trust him ever again. I'm so afraid of getting hurt again like this. I'm completely fed up and the D word has been floating around in my head. I do love him....but I don't want to be with someone if they don't love me and I just don't get how a person can hurt the one they love like this. The possibility of starting over scares me to death. 

I need some serious advice. I am setting up an appointment with a counselor but some peer advice would be much appreciated.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Looks like he's up to strike 5 by now. Cheat, lie , go PA, cheat, and lie again. Good luck with the counselor. Sounds like your heart is ahead of your brain on this one.


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## Confused_and_bitter (Aug 6, 2011)

I'm so sorry to hear about you going through this I know I have driven myself mad thinking things over and over again. You are doing the right thing by going to a counselor and he needs to understand that HE needs to help you rebuild your trust with him. You don't sound like a controlling or overly jealous person and he has given you causes for concern by lying and doing things behind your back. I hope you resolve this, if it's what you want. If his issue with you is boredom then he should make an effort to go out with YOU not another woman.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

My only question is this;
How long are you going to put up with his infidelity? He hasn't stopped seeing other women.
Since you two already separated over this before, he's not going to stop.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

jen123,

Here's the deal. He was having an affair with this "bowling partner." More than likely they have been having sex. He does not care about you or the marriage right now. Anything he says cannot be trusted. He has not ended his affair, only is hiding it better.

You going to a counselor is not going to change this. Here is what i gleaned from your post:

_1) "He told me he was at a bowling alley with this other woman and only her. He insists that he does not have feelings for her and that nothing physical is going on between them."_

This is BS...he never did send you that picture..did he? And no you should not believe him.

_2) "He says he likes to spend time with her because she is fun and he can talk to her about his problems. Apparently he has been going to her about his problems with me...which seem to be mostly boredom."_

This is text book "blame shifting" he is preparing you for the why he did it speech. This is when he will make you feel like its all your fault.

_3) "Any night that is available, he always ends up going out with his friends. It doesn't seem fair to me...I don't think he's given me a chance."_

He is not giving you a chance, he is leaving you behind. He should be out with you...not his "friends." My guess is this is when he did most of his cheating.


_4) "He says he does but he doesn't act like he does."_

Actions always speak louder than words.


_5) "I just don't know how or if I even can trust him ever again."_

He is untrustworthy until he shows *real *remorse and you have seen a *real* change in his behavior. This does *NOT* happen until he owns all of what he did and recommits himself to you and to the marriage. Even then this is something he will have to earn back..with dedication and understanding. This does not happen quickly and will most likely take years.


_6) "I'm so afraid of getting hurt again like this."_

I know you are...and I am so sorry. I hate to see people go through this stuff. Believe me when I say everyone on this forum knows how you feel. This "fear"...is most likely blocking your vision to the truth of whats going on around you. Your not the only one this has happened to...in my case I was so scared of being hurt (and losing my spouse) I couldn't see things past my nose.


_7) "The possibility of starting over scares me to death."_

It should, it will be the hardest thing you and your husband could ever do. Is it worth it? Yes. But only if you are both fully committed. There is always hope and people can change...but you are light years away from this step. So...don't even entertain this for now. Just concentrate on yourself and getting your feet back on solid ground.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Lying, cheating, repeating, not even working with you to get past his prior actions. Wow. I see why you love him so much (insert snarky eyes rolling here). He's not even admitting what he's doing right under your nose...dating other women (they didn't just 'meet' in a bowling alley; they were on a date...)

Listen to the advice above. Either draw a REAL line, etched in stone with true drastic consequences (D), or admit to yourself what's been going on and move on to the consequences now (D). You've already played separation, and we see where that got you. You've given him more 2nd chance than he deserves... all because 'you love him', and he's taken that and tossed it aside, current excuse is now 'boredom'?? And you accept this?? He's the worst kind of cheater -- a cheater who's been caught and still is not working at your relationship.

You deserve better; either he can and will be that 'better', or you go find someone that is. My guess is, he can't be that guy for you.


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