# lost and alone



## crusheddreams (Apr 6, 2011)

Hi there,

New to the board so thought I’d introduce myself. Could do with some advice and support too!

Long post sorry!

Married for 17+ years with 4 boys (17, 14, 12 & 10). W has had some serious illnesses over the years, including corneograph transplants in both eyes and major Pulmonary embolism`s which resulted in her being rushed into intensive care and having to be resuscitated 4 times in 1 night. 
In the last year she has stated to have black out attacks (due to heart damage), so basically she is not a well person. During this time I have tried to support her and our kids, kept down a full time job etc etc. 
My MIL and FIL helped us out over the years with child care and helping to run the house - W has been registered disabled for years and cannot run the house on her own.

We have been having issues for a few years, done the not talking about it thing and done the speech a few times before. I always managed to talk her round by promising to change. She comes from a very close family, I don’t and I find it hard to provide proper emotional support for my kids and W, this is what she needed me to change and yes I would do it for a while, 2 months, 6 months maybe but then I would slip and concentrate on our relationship, neglecting the kids needs. Over the last couple of years she has become more emotionally detached from me and turned more & more to her best friend and mum and dad for support.
Nov 2010 FIL sadly died, great guy miss him loads. Although I tried to support W during this time she didn’t want to talk to me about it.

21 Feb bombshell day – she had been cold and distant to me for a few weeks, she found me crying one night and just looked at me and said “you know it’s over, I want to separate” We had a frank discussion and W told me there was about a 1% chance of sorting our relationship out. 

I know the faults are mainly mine; I would put it at about 70/30.
W says everyone around me see’s that I don’t want to be in the house and that im always in a bad mood – I’ve always wanted my family but the fact that things have been bad between us for a while has depressed me the minute I walked thru my front door. Literally I was leaving work on a massive high and walking thru my door and plummeting.

My current situation is I have left the family home ( 3 weeks ago) and am now living in a hole of a flat (but it’s cheap and will do me for the moment). I desperately want to make things right with W, I have finally seen the light, I know what to do, (wife is frightened that something will happen to her due to her health, her M is not getting any younger and the kids will be on their own). I am determined I will not let my kids down again. 
W still does my washing for me, I eat at the family home, I see my kids 6 days a week at the family home and we are still friends (although we treat each other with kid gloves)
I have been doing as much of a 180 as I can although I still see her almost daily, I have not discussed us, or stalk her etc etc, just giving her the space.

I do talk to MIL a lot (quite close to her and I have none of my immediate family around me). MIL tells me to hang in there, carry on concentrating on the kids and to RELAX around W (how do I relax I wonder, it’s a vicious circle I can’t relax around W cos W can’t relax around me at the mo)

Right now im stuck in the “is it over, is it not over” stage. I really don’t know, I have seen W cut people out of her life and trust me if she wanted to she would not have hesitated in throwing me out in the street with nothing and with access to the kids only after a court battle.

I strongly believe in my marriage vows and will fight for my family however long that takes. I am a child of a broken home and I hated the way my parents unintentionally damaged me and I do not want that for my children.

At the moment W is still very distant and cold from me, in fact as the weeks pass it has got worse, however I know that she does not trust me with the kids emotions and she is concerned that I am going to drop them and crawl into a hole (yeah sometimes I really feel like doing that). MIL says what else do I expect, W is terrified of showing me ANY emotion in case I misread it and to just keep going.

We are going on a family holiday next week (booked before we split) and im really hoping it goes well.

Just need a bit of support really, I am so up and down emotionally at the moment.
I know this is a long hard road; I see it as 6 months before the kids believe I am there for them and only once they are happy will W even consider believing I can do it. 

Guess I could be around on the boards posting a lot at night, not like I have much else to do with my time at the moment – sleep is for the weak lol

Thanks for reading and feel free to ask me anything (my post is a bit of a mess I think & there are some things I haven’t said or I would go on for hours)

Regards,

crusheddreams


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## gypsygirl (Apr 6, 2011)

Not really sure what to reply, you sound as tho you have all been through a really tough time. I know this probably sounds like the hardest thing to do but you really need to be able to try and put a strong happy face on for the kids to enjoy their holiday too. I hope you do aswell.

I know that sounds patronising, and I am sorry if it does, however I really didn't want your post to not have a reply

hope things work out for you as best they can, even if that isn't what you expct xx


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## crusheddreams (Apr 6, 2011)

I intend to, kids come first, it might be the last one I have for a while & hopefully the holiday will show which was this is going to go.

Tonight for the first time since our split I have managed to be happy and relaxed in front of the W and actually felt it too.
Managed to talk about the kids, me whistling to myself, W all subdued.
Also picked up on a few things, money is tight for her, our "adopted" 17 year old daughter (long story) is being a PITA. 
I even laughed at her "well you are single now" comment she made earlier. 

Off to chat to the MIL in a while...


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

My MC story is in my profile.

The 1% isn't the truth. You do have a lot better chance than that. It will take a long time, and all you can do is hope and pray (if you are religiously inclined).

All you can do is keep it up. Show her love, say you are sorry, say that you want to change, and give her space and the freedom to chose the NEW you.

Again, give her SPACE and time! She needs an environment to choose.


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## crusheddreams (Apr 6, 2011)

anx, thanks for your words of encouragement, really helps. I am in it for the long term. I will read your MC in a minute.

Had a good chat to the MIL just now, she wants us backtogether if at all possible & MIL has massive influence with W.
I`ve asked MIL to draw me away from possible situations with W whilst on holiday which she agreed to, she even went as far to say "well depending on how the holiday goes, I think you two should sit down and talk properly" and she has agreed to suggest it to W & be there to mediate. Also got confirmed that W is not actively looking for anyone else, has no intention to & wouldn`t until she knew it wouldn`t hurt me. 

on the down side, W if a real stubborn mule and I know that now she is starting to live a seperate life she will see it thru until we do live seperate lives. I know I need to become her friend first before anything and that right now is my goal.

All in all a good day today, just watch me crash when I wake up tomorrow & realise the dream I had all night was just that lol


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## crusheddreams (Apr 6, 2011)

just got a txt off W. one of the kids was due to have a minor op today and its been cancelled.. then went on to ask me if she could borrow some money off me for the holiday as she will be a bit short.
i told her i was happy to pool money and we had a bit of a txt convo. 
i ended it with how about we have a chat tonight about it over a cuppa & have a good afternoon. 
now she has to talk to me tonight 
feeling good right now, i`m in control of my life and for once the situation.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Move back home.

You said you know the faults were yours 70 to 30. What did you do? Get some IC to address your problems STAT.


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## crusheddreams (Apr 6, 2011)

If only I could move back home... wasn`t my choice to leave.

As to what did I do, basically for years not shown W or kids that I wanted them, she is now a WAW

Learnt a lot from this forum over the last few days - today`s little gem was "show her that you do not NEED her in your life but that you WANT her in your life"

Dunno what IC and STAT are, care to translate ?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

IC = individual counselling
STAT = soon

So if it wasn't your choice to leave, why did you???


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## crusheddreams (Apr 6, 2011)

MIL is kinda doing IC with me anyway, she is a very good listener & talker, was married for 40+ years and had some major up`s and down`s with FIL over the years and being my MIL also talks to W so know`s how she is feeling. 

As for leaving well I wasn`t given a choice, all I got was "it`s over" then a week later "you need to move out". 
It was the best thing for me to do at the time for our kids, they were getting confused with me being in the house but not with their mum.
Also if I had dug my heels in, there would be no chance for us, W would have seen a lawyer pretty sharp.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You need an objective IC, not someone closely related to your situation like a MIL. 

Sorry but I think it was a mistake for you to leave. That house is as much as yours as it is hers.


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## crusheddreams (Apr 6, 2011)

maybe MIL is too close but how will IC help me ? i know what was wrong and what to do right (now). JC i would do today but i need W to agree to that & she won`t right now - too early, maybe in a couple of months.

I don`t think it was a mistake to leave, it was the right thing for me to do. W was on anti depressants and making herself ill with worry because of our relationship. since i moved out she has cut back on the pills and is a lot happier in herself - to the extent that we can now talk a bit. if i had stayed she would have got more and more stressed out and it doesn`t take much to push her over the edge physically. i really did not want to see W in hospital again.


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## crusheddreams (Apr 6, 2011)

spent the evening at home with kids and W, had a great time.
managed to chat & play fight with W, think she wants to reconnect a bit, however I am very aware that I need to let her initiate things.
did send her a txt when i got in saying great evening, nnight & she did txt back. 

for anyone reading this who has just seperated, best way forward imo is to do as much of a 180 as possible. it might help your relationship & it will certainly help YOU to cope.


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## wanttobehappy56 (Mar 31, 2011)

Can someone tell me where to find info on this "180", I keep seeing it brought up, but cannot find any reading materials.


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## crusheddreams (Apr 6, 2011)

I picked it up from this thread 
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...180-support-thread-how-many-us-same-boat.html

Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
No frequent phone calls.
Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
Don't follow her/him around the house.
Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
Don't ask for help from the family members of your spouse.
Don't ask for reassurances.
Don't buy or give gifts.
Don't schedule dates together.
Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" 
Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. 
Don't push any issue! No matter how much you want to!
ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested in your spouse’s whereabouts.
Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available, for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. 
Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. Be cool, act cool; be in control of yourself.
Don't be overly enthusiastic.
Do not argue when they tell you how they feel. In fact, refuse to argue at all!
Be patient and learn to HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!
Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"
Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent!
When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

crusheddreams said:


> maybe MIL is too close but how will IC help me


IC can greatly help you. It's therapeutic and good to have an objective party to talk to.

180s are good. They help you get centered.


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## crusheddreams (Apr 6, 2011)

right guys & girls, im outta here for a week...
W said to me earlier "you might as well stay here tonight as we going away tomorrow"  
The flat is only 5 mins away from the house and we aren`t going to 12ish but im not gonna complain. shame that her bed wasnt mentioned too lol

keep safe everyone, dont let things get you down, i`ll have a beer or 2 for ya.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

No need. I am going to be having 2 beers for myself later 

Have a blast this week though!


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