# Still married and wanting my wife



## TinyTbone

First off I'm new here. In fact I've never done this before anywhere! I'm 61 and my wife is 59. Been married now for 38 years, we were 23 and 21 when we married. I served in the Navy 20 and a half years and retired in 2003, of which we were together 16 and a half years. We have a 20 year old daughter, still living at home. Truly the joy of heart..she's beautiful!!
Now as to the title of my post, through all these these years I've always had the higher sex drive, hers has always been very low. As of now we are in marriage counseling to help us deal with years of baggage being a military spouse, she was left alone a lot to keep our and her lives together. I have always felt a bit of guilt at having to [abandon] her for up to a year at a time for deployments during the prime of her womanhood. I may have been youngish but was realistic to see this and gave her what's called a hall pass when I was gone, should this issue occur. I only asked 2 things...don't tell me about it and don't dirty my bed with it. I was however and still are faithful to her and our vows...I deeply love her!
The biggest problem is her lack of sexual desire and lack of any emotional energy and imagination. She is full of hangups ( has always been) while I have always been fair game for anything between a man and his woman! I have been pushing, gently for her to talk to drs about hormone therapy as she's been pre menapausal for 10 frigging years! A full blown period at 59?? Poor woman.
Another key issue for us is that since I was in the military during the most formative years of marriage, we never really learned the art of communication. Therapy has opened my eyes to this and I am working honestly and earnestly to be a great communicator and partner to her.
As to sexual issue, please note I did get a vasectomy done in my late forties, we didn't desire another child, was fastest and quickest way of birth control for us within several years I suddenly started having sporadic "performance" issues. This has grown to now I have all the desire but can't get enough to penetrate and fulfill her. This obviously has a dramatic affect on me and I'm sure it does on her. After all kinda "hard" to be interested in getting busy if I can't function. I'm working this drs now. Appointments take time especially with the pandemic hitting.
Yes it's pretty long and many variables listed here, but any genuine comments or advice are welcomed.


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## Spoons027

Hello and welcome. Do you think she's probably taken that hall pass you've given her? Maybe she doesn't have any energy left for you because she's already putting it somewhere else. You said you wouldn't want to be told about it, but that'll likely have to be something to address if sexual intimacy is an issue for you now.


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## BeyondRepair007

TinyTbone said:


> First off I'm new here. In fact I've never done this before anywhere! I'm 61 and my wife is 59. Been married now for 38 years, we were 23 and 21 when we married. I served in the Navy 20 and a half years and retired in 2003, of which we were together 16 and a half years. We have a 20 year old daughter, still living at home. Truly the joy of heart..she's beautiful!!
> Now as to the title of my post, through all these these years I've always had the higher sex drive, hers has always been very low. As of now we are in marriage counseling to help us deal with years of baggage being a military spouse, she was left alone a lot to keep our and her lives together. I have always felt a bit of guilt at having to [abandon] her for up to a year at a time for deployments during the prime of her womanhood. I may have been youngish but was realistic to see this and gave her what's called a hall pass when I was gone, should this issue occur. I only asked 2 things...don't tell me about it and don't dirty my bed with it. I was however and still are faithful to her and our vows...I deeply love her!
> The biggest problem is her lack of sexual desire and lack of any emotional energy and imagination. She is full of hangups ( has always been) while I have always been fair game for anything between a man and his woman! I have been pushing, gently for her to talk to drs about hormone therapy as she's been pre menapausal for 10 frigging years! A full blown period at 59?? Poor woman.
> Another key issue for us is that since I was in the military during the most formative years of marriage, we never really learned the art of communication. Therapy has opened my eyes to this and I am working honestly and earnestly to be a great communicator and partner to her.
> As to sexual issue, please note I did get a vasectomy done in my late forties, we didn't desire another child, was fastest and quickest way of birth control for us within several years I suddenly started having sporadic "performance" issues. This has grown to now I have all the desire but can't get enough to penetrate and fulfill her. This obviously has a dramatic affect on me and I'm sure it does on her. After all kinda "hard" to be interested in getting busy if I can't function. I'm working this drs now. Appointments take time especially with the pandemic hitting.
> Yes it's pretty long and many variables listed here, but any genuine comments or advice are welcomed.


@TinyTbone Welcome to TAM.

This is quite the story and yea, tons of variables.

You shouldn't have given that hall pass, there could be emotional attachments that were created with someone else or attachments with you that were broken. That could be a source of problems now.

But assume best case with the hall pass, the reality is that she's 59 with medical issues, sexual hangups, and baggage from being alone so much for much of her life. I think you are at a place where not much will change going forward and you need to be braced for that. Can you handle it if things don't change?

I wish you the best of luck to resolve this through counseling, but if I were you I'd brace for the reality that this is it. You'll have to accept that or move on.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

TinyTbone said:


> First off I'm new here. In fact I've never done this before anywhere! I'm 61 and my wife is 59. Been married now for 38 years, we were 23 and 21 when we married. I served in the Navy 20 and a half years and retired in 2003, of which we were together 16 and a half years. We have a 20 year old daughter, still living at home. Truly the joy of heart..she's beautiful!!
> Now as to the title of my post, through all these these years I've always had the higher sex drive, hers has always been very low. As of now we are in marriage counseling to help us deal with years of baggage being a military spouse, she was left alone a lot to keep our and her lives together. I have always felt a bit of guilt at having to [abandon] her for up to a year at a time for deployments during the prime of her womanhood. I may have been youngish but was realistic to see this and gave her what's called a hall pass when I was gone, should this issue occur. I only asked 2 things...don't tell me about it and don't dirty my bed with it. I was however and still are faithful to her and our vows...I deeply love her!
> The biggest problem is her lack of sexual desire and lack of any emotional energy and imagination. She is full of hangups ( has always been) while I have always been fair game for anything between a man and his woman! I have been pushing, gently for her to talk to drs about hormone therapy as she's been pre menapausal for 10 frigging years! A full blown period at 59?? Poor woman.
> Another key issue for us is that since I was in the military during the most formative years of marriage, we never really learned the art of communication. Therapy has opened my eyes to this and I am working honestly and earnestly to be a great communicator and partner to her.
> As to sexual issue, please note I did get a vasectomy done in my late forties, we didn't desire another child, was fastest and quickest way of birth control for us within several years I suddenly started having sporadic "performance" issues. This has grown to now I have all the desire but can't get enough to penetrate and fulfill her. This obviously has a dramatic affect on me and I'm sure it does on her. After all kinda "hard" to be interested in getting busy if I can't function. I'm working this drs now. Appointments take time especially with the pandemic hitting.
> Yes it's pretty long and many variables listed here, but any genuine comments or advice are welcomed.


Welcome to TAM.


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## TinyTbone

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Welcome to TAM.


Ok, thanks for the welcome. So what's with the Latin phrase? In English please.


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## BigDaddyNY

TinyTbone said:


> Ok, thanks for the welcome. So what's with the Latin phrase? In English please.


TAM = Talk About Marriage. You were in the military, you should be well acquainted with acronyms, lol.


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## TinyTbone

BigDaddyNY said:


> TAM = Talk About Marriage. You were in the military, you should be well acquainted with acronyms, lol.





BigDaddyNY said:


> TAM = Talk About Marriage. You were in the military, you should be well acquainted with acronyms, lol.


Most days, but times are a changing!


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## TinyTbone

Spoons027 said:


> Hello and welcome. Do you think she's probably taken that hall pass you've given her? Maybe she doesn't have any energy left for you because she's already putting it somewhere else. You said you wouldn't want to be told about it, but that'll likely have to be something to address if sexual intimacy is an issue for you now.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

TinyTbone said:


> Ok, thanks for the welcome. So what's with the Latin phrase? In English please.


Stands for I kneel before Christ and no others.


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## TinyTbone

Hey, I will say this. This was over 30 years ago. Do I think she used the hall pass? Yes, I think she did. She did have the option available as I'd stated. Also I've also been the type of person that learned to not get hung up on doubts and fears. I figure that she will cheat whether I want her to or not. All the worry in the world won't stop someone from doing what they will.talking with her now is more cathartic for her and allows her to be deeply honest about our lives through the years. She has told me of the fondle to her butt, about him attempting to draw her into a kiss months later and insists nothing else happened. As I told her now, hey he was a beautiful man and if ever there was a man I could have tried bisex with...it would have been with him. She has the open channel to go further if more did happen. I'm not pushing her. She needs to be confident and willing to discuss anything further in this. After all, it was a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away!! Lol. She is starting to trust me emotionally again as our daughter has...that I'm not gonna go full metal jacket on her anymore. I just want her to data dump per day and clear her conscience, as secrets of this nature can eat at your soul like cancer.
She has really begun to listen to what my needs are and responding positively and I am listening to her needs as well. We are finally becoming a real married couple as we should have been long ago. That hot, sweaty passion may not be there as in youth, but loving and nasty mature minds are up and running!! Lol she is straight forward about not wanting any one else. It's really about her physical issues with pain due to debilitating injuries over the years and also due to being premenapausal for 10 years now! Seeing her Dr for possible hormone therapy to help that and help us. She feels like a lesser person because of her lack of desire for me. She knows I desire her and I can see the hurt in her eyes about not being able to return those feelings of desire and only do the chore. We are working it and it's gonna be a new ride for sure.


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## TinyTbone

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Stands for I kneel before Christ and no others.


Wow, a beautiful statement indeed!


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