# Out of the Blue



## NoMoreMrNiceGuy (Nov 26, 2008)

Hi,
I am in trouble. More trouble than I ever thought it was possible to be in.
10 years ago I met a wonderful person, while I was in another relationship. She made me wait until I was emotionally "clear" of that relationship, then we began going out. While there were no fireworks (I believe on both sides) the relationship grew until we began living together, this was a good time in my life.
There was a pretty large fly in the ointment, her parents hated me. This began a process of self-doubt for me which has led to a total loss of confidence today.

Eventually my son from my first marriage moved in with us - which again led to many strains on our relationship, but we were reasonably solid I think.
We got married 3 years ago - and things have been OK, usual matrimonial strife (money/differing ideas over education etc...etc...) but nothing too bad.
My main problem is that I have died inside during these years. My wife is very critical, always expecting things to be "her way" - not supportive in her language, her display of care is keeping the house ocd clean - which helps her peace of mind. On top of this our relationship is very immature, she has a stressful job (as do i) and she calls me her balancer - the silly side as it were.

All the criticism has worn me down, until 3 weeks ago.

I met up with my first love, for the first time in nearly 30 years. We had grown up together since the age of 3, and only separated when my parents divorced when I was 9. I saw her for a couple of years after, but then she moved away, and I only saw her twice after that. The second time I knew I was in love with her, but I mistook a gesture and a word as rejection and so began a long slow withdrawl from her.

Now we meet again and she tells me that because of me, no one has ever been good enough and she will love me forever and into the next life... I was a little surprised to be honest (that is an understatement, in fact I was gobsmacked!!!) by this. She says she loves me no matter what. She wants me to leave my wife and move in with her and her son - nothing and no one else will do.

From my side the strangest feeling came over me when we first met again, like a bee buzzing in the centre of my brain, it has started a process which has transformed the way I look at myself and my life. I am not happy, I am seriously overweight and was getting ready for a coronary - to make it worse I knew and did not care - THAT IS WRONG!

I realise that this "buzzing" feeling is one of love. When I look back at my life, it has been governed by women. My mother left my father (which started many years of problems, not fully resolved now), my first serious girlfriend was a control freak, several have had quite serious mental health issues - none have set the bee buzzing, not even my wife!!

Instantly my life is different. I do not want my wife, I just want this other love. My question is this I guess - is it better to linger on, hoping that my wife will take the hint, or should I tell her as soon as I know this is for real, and not just another attempt at man travelling through time.

This post is a jumble I know - I am sorry, but my head is a jumble right now as well!!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

First things first. Work on getting your body fit. Do you have any children with your wife?


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## NoMoreMrNiceGuy (Nov 26, 2008)

No, not with my wife. It is not possible for her.
Since the last two weeks I have lost 14lbs as my confidence returns.
Unfortunately I have also started smoking again! 
This ends tonight though, it;s making me feel not so good.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

You seem to have relating and relationship issues. These problems would just carry into your next relationship. You need to learn to deal with them and your co-dependence now. You can't keep hopping from one relationship to another when it is convenent for you to do so.

Learn with your wife how to get that spark, the more you invest into your current marriage the more you will get out of it. This other woman you have not seen in so long, how do you know you will be a good fit? You don't know her as well as you know your wife and frankly you are not truly comparing the two woman, you are comparing your wife's faults to the think you like about this woman.

draconis


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## NoMoreMrNiceGuy (Nov 26, 2008)

Thanks for your reply.

I took a look at your myspace page, and it seems to me that you are happy with your choice of woman - congratulations, you seem to have achieved what many of us seek.

So, on to your reply...



draconis said:


> You can't keep hopping from one relationship to another when it is convenent for you to do so.


I hear you on that one - Although I would challenge the word "convienient" - as this is most certainly NOT convienient!! Up until 3 weeks ago, I thought I was happy. Since that time I have had to challenge this assumption in spades.



draconis said:


> Learn with your wife how to get that spark, the more you invest into your current marriage the more you will get out of it.


I have made huge investments. I moved away from my long term friends for her career. I am the one saying sorry all the time, I bring in 80% of the bacon, I am the one working away so we can have the life we want.



draconis said:


> This other woman you have not seen in so long, how do you know you will be a good fit? You don't know her as well as you know your wife and frankly you are not truly comparing the two woman, you are comparing your wife's faults to the think you like about this woman.
> draconis


How can anyone truly make a comparison between individuals? It is true that I do not know as much about the other woman as an adult, with associated adult problems - but I DO know my wife, what drives her and why she does what she does - I know this and I am not happy facilitating another person who (intentionally or not) puts me down all the time, to the point where I care not if I live or die!


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

NoMoreMrNiceGuy said:


> How can anyone truly make a comparison between individuals? It is true that I do not know as much about the other woman as an adult, with associated adult problems - but I DO know my wife, what drives her and why she does what she does - I know this and I am not happy facilitating another person who (intentionally or not) puts me down all the time, to the point where I care not if I live or die!


If it were me I'd tell her verbal abuse is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. But again, the main issue I see here is jumping the fence to what looks like greener grass. The other issue is if this other lady that gets your heart pumpimg will still be doing so after a year. She might very well. 

I have issues with people that fall out of love after meeting a "soulmate". Many times those don't work and shows the person as weak. If you'd leave your wife for this other woman how does she know you will not just leave her when you find better than her?

draconis


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## NoMoreMrNiceGuy (Nov 26, 2008)

draconis said:


> I have issues with people that fall out of love after meeting a "soulmate". Many times those don't work and shows the person as weak. If you'd leave your wife for this other woman how does she know you will not just leave her when you find better than her?


I can't fault your logic, or your argument. If only life were that simple, alas where the heart is concerned, logic and theory are poor bedfellows to desire and love.

 Maybe I am weak, simple as that...?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

NoMoreMrNiceGuy said:


> I can't fault your logic, or your argument. If only life were that simple, alas where the heart is concerned, logic and theory are poor bedfellows to desire and love.
> 
> Maybe I am weak, simple as that...?


I think you have self esteem issues. People will find whatever they can to make themselves feel better. Of course you want to be with this other women. you want to feel better. we all do things that make us feel better, and we think people are nuts when they tell us to leave something that makes us feel good. 

but do you really feel better about yourself doing this? there are two different kinds of 'good', in my opinion. the happy 'soulmate' feeling, and then the internal at peace with yourself feeling. 

i think you need to work on find peace within yourself and not evade the lack of self worth you feel by subverting it with women and cigarettes.


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## NoMoreMrNiceGuy (Nov 26, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> I think you have self esteem issues.


I think you are right - this is how I've allowed myself to be controlled in the past - any self esteem would have put paid to those feelings, no?


ljtseng said:


> People will find whatever they can to make themselves feel better.


You know, you are right. And I say this, I understand why people harm (drink, drugs etc...etc...) themselves now. To have feelings so deep is strange to me, really, I mean it. I have been in a constant state of turmoil ever since I first clapped eyes on her again. Such a feeling of completeness and calm (odd when you sondier the turmoil, eh!?) I have never known. All my life there has been a hole, when I am with her (and now when I am not) there is not one. If I had to give that up I would begin to harm myself (probably through over eating AGAIN!!!), really



ljtseng said:


> Of course you want to be with this other women. you want to feel better. we all do things that make us feel better, and we think people are nuts when they tell us to leave something that makes us feel good.


OK, I agree!


ljtseng said:


> but do you really feel better about yourself doing this? there are two different kinds of 'good', in my opinion. the happy 'soulmate' feeling, and then the internal at peace with yourself feeling.


I have never had the "Soulmate" feeling, so I cannot really say. I thought I had a few times, but no.


ljtseng said:


> i think you need to work on find peace within yourself and not evade the lack of self worth you feel by subverting it with women and cigarettes.


"Women and Cigarettes" sounds like a rock song!
Seriously, I appreciate your comments and they make sense to me. I do not know where the road is taking me now, If I still feel strongly in a month or two, I will leave my wife - it is not fair to drag it out any longer. How I will live with myself though is another matter altogether!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

NoMoreMrNiceGuy said:


> I think you are right - this is how I've allowed myself to be controlled in the past - any self esteem would have put paid to those feelings, no?


Ya, if your self esteem comes from internal sources it's like your guiding light. if you're constantly searching externally for things to fill the hole you have, then you'll be controlled and probably have issues with addiction. 



NoMoreMrNiceGuy said:


> Such a feeling of completeness and calm (odd when you sondier the turmoil, eh!?) I have never known. All my life there has been a hole, when I am with her (and now when I am not) there is not one.


this sounds like your describing a soulmate. and codependency. 



NoMoreMrNiceGuy said:


> If I had to give that up I would begin to harm myself (probably through over eating AGAIN!!!), really


You're not in love. sorry. you're using this girl. you need her to keep you happy and from harming yourself. she is a drug for you. that's not love. i know you dont see it now, but later when you start to feel worthless and lose yourself again, just remember you're not falling out of love. your addiction is just losing its potency. 

love is a selfless gift where you accept the other person for all their flaws, and not for what they can do for you. Even when the other person can do nothing for you, love stays b/c its there to nurture and support, and not to need and take. 



NoMoreMrNiceGuy said:


> If I still feel strongly in a month or two, I will leave my wife - it is not fair to drag it out any longer. How I will live with myself though is another matter altogether!


I promise im not telling you any of this to try and convince you to stay with your wife. odds are you married her for the same reasons you're going after this new girl. to try and make yourself happy. very selfish on your part. but dont worry, im not judging you. i did the same thing with my H. you've got to learn to be happy all by yourself first and then you'll find a meaningful relationship, one that will really last.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

sometimes its just feeling wanted and needed thats makes every thing feel good.. take time to sort yourself out stop the **** eat better and your feel better to .. i do belive everyone has the right to feel loved and valued and if that does mean with another partner then make sure your ready for the back lash !!! i to in the past felt the same way maybe being married for so long becomes borring and not exciting i nearly lost my husband thankfully he took the time to listern and he helped me to rebuild outr relationship ..dont throw yours away until you really are sure !


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## brighteyes72 (Nov 16, 2008)

NoMoreMrNiceGuy said:


> Maybe I am weak, simple as that...?





NoMoreMrNiceGuy said:


> Maybe I am weak, simple as that...?





NoMoreMrNiceGuy said:


> Maybe I am weak, simple as that...?





NoMoreMrNiceGuy said:


> Maybe I am weak, simple as that...?


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## rogerisright (Nov 28, 2008)

Maybe you are weak?? Dude I just looked up th word weak in the dictionary and it even has your picture next to it. You are married ...what kind of a woman woul even consider asking a man to tear apart his family on a flyer? One with no scuples ...selfish to a fault and a broken moral compass. The biggest problem you have besides weakness and a yearning to be someone's knight in shining armor ...which she gives you is YOU AREN'T AVAILABLE! ANYONE CAN FALL IN LOVE ...THATS WHAY THEY CALL IT 'FALLING' BECAUSE IT REQUIRES NO EFFORT ...JUST POOF! AND YOU GET THAT TINGLINGING OR THAT BUZZ...aftethat wears off ...and it does even for brad pitt and angelina jolie then it becomes the "labor of love" ...you can get that feeling back between you and your wife ...it requires effort on your part ...but once you figure out that you are at least 50% of the problem you will be well on your way to happiness... if you arent happy then thats your problem not hers. The biggest reason you should make every effort to find that love with your wife and not the other woman is this ....Because that wasn't the deal you made with your wife! Use these new found hot flashes as a catalyst to Recommit and rediscover those feelings with the person who you are married to ... the way to get those feelings back is to GIVE ... no to take. In a mature relationship those feelings of love etc. come after you give or do something for the ther spouse ... when love is new you get the feelings then give ... for married people it's just the opposite ...you give then you get those luvin feelings ...dude you are seriously screwing up if you throw away ten years on a flyer with anyone who would ask you to leave your wife and tear apart your family and someday soon you will resent her for asking you to do it ...run from anyone who tells you to break your solemn vow to your wife. at the very least you owe it to yourself and to her to knock yourself out trying to make lightning strike in your marriage first.!


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## sunnygirl (Nov 23, 2008)

draconis said:


> Learn with your wife how to get that spark, the more you invest into your current marriage the more you will get out of it.
> 
> draconis


Draconis, I was wondering about this. I felt like I gave SO much towards my relationship, trying to create a spark, etc. but got nothing back in return. I think in an ideal world it might be true, but it sure wasn't in mine. Not saying you're wrong, but I'm not sure creating a "spark" is always possible just from trying.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

sunnygirl said:


> Draconis, I was wondering about this. I felt like I gave SO much towards my relationship, trying to create a spark, etc. but got nothing back in return. I think in an ideal world it might be true, but it sure wasn't in mine. Not saying you're wrong, but I'm not sure creating a "spark" is always possible just from trying.


A winner is a loser that gets up to give it one more try.

draconis


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