# Self Esteem



## Clinging (May 14, 2011)

So who has their self esteem in the toilet after their partner has had an affair?

I can't help but feel that there was something lacking sexually in our marriage for my H to seek sex elsewhere?

I know I should be thinking that I'm better than him but he wasn't the one that was rejected and being nice just didn't seem to cut it for him.

Therapy and counselling yes is a must and I'm doing that but when you are alone at night, the what if's keep coming.

thoughts


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

CLinging - NOW HEAR THIS - IT WAS NOTHING YOU DID OR DIDN'T DO. THE OP WAS NOT BETTER THAN YOU IN ANY WAY. Hope you took that shouting in your ear to wake up. Yur WS did this all on his own for all the wrong reasons. Your WS needs to face up to his mistake and help you heal. Yes, you can work on self improvement for you and your marriage and try to eliminate the things that were wrong in your marriage to make it better and more bullet/A proof in the future. Sex was not lacking. You were not lacking. He was lacking. I too had performance questions when my wife and I first started to R. Now it seems like she has so much guilt, she has gone prude on me. The what if or I should haves will happen. But what good does it do? Focus on the future and YOU. Are you R? How is it going right nw?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

What you are feeling is typical for a betrayed spouse. I spent three years feeling second best and rejected. Internally I beat myself up. And I gained a lot of weight. Counseling for two years helped, but it still "cured" nothing.

That feeling lingered with me up until a few weeks ago. I met one of the other women face to face. That's when something within me clicked. That woman was no where near the person I am (attorney's words). I had a vision that the other women were more intelligent, posed, beautiful, etc. Once the image I envisioned was destroyed, I got my self esteem back. The funny thing is I'm now losing weight--I'm not munching on "comfort food" any more. 

Therefore, don't beat yourself up. Your husband chose to leave for someone DIFFERENT--not better than you. I am not second best, nor are you! If you doubt that, make a list of your good qualities. I'll bet you will be amazed at what a person you are!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Couple of thoughts, as a disloyal spouse. And by no means am I trying to minimize your pain or shift blame to my spouse.

My self esteem took a beating over the last however many years of my marriage. But it was more of a constant chipping away at it, with every rejection. Not the stick of dynamite that I can only imagine you received. It's only in the last couple of months as I started seeing someone else, and realizing how much difficulty accepting and more importantly, believing a compliment from a wonderful woman that I realized how damaged I had become. It still takes me conscious effort to not joke away a compliment, and just say a heartfelt thank you in return.

Second, as 827aug says, he left you for a different person, not a better person. My stbx-wife is a good person, just not the right person for me. And obviously, from a moral and ethical perspective, you're kicking some major butt.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

PBear said:


> Couple of thoughts, as a disloyal spouse. And by no means am I trying to minimize your pain or shift blame to my spouse.
> 
> My self esteem took a beating over the last however many years of my marriage. But it was more of a constant chipping away at it, with every rejection. Not the stick of dynamite that I can only imagine you received. It's only in the last couple of months as I started seeing someone else, and realizing how much difficulty accepting and more importantly, believing a compliment from a wonderful woman that I realized how damaged I had become. It still takes me conscious effort to not joke away a compliment, and just say a heartfelt thank you in return.
> 
> ...


My H told me all about his damaged ego too. Problem was that he didn't tell me about it when he says he was feeling that way. He didn't include me in anything, to the degree that his A was the biggest shock of my life. He worked with the A partner and I didn't even know that she existed. the night that I discovered her e-mails to him was the first time I knew she lived and breathed. I felt no resentment from him and I thought we had a very good and happy marriage. I thought that because that is what he told me, " you couldn't drive me away with a stick" etc. He brought his damage with him into our marriage. He rewrote our marital history just like most other cheaters and he didn't give one thought to my ego when he accepted the advances of a woman young enough to be his daughter. The things that helped me repair my ego were realizing that this was not about me, and that the A partner, although very attractive physically is a piece of S**t, wonderful people don't go after MM. No one has the right to build up their ego at the expense of destroying another persons.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I don't wish to be crude, but females come with two breasts and one pretty standard vagina. When a guy cheats on his wife, he's cheating with something very much like what he left at home. She can do nothing more with her equipment than you can do with yours. Honestly, you know him better, so your skills would almost certainly be superior to her's. His cheating is nothing more than an indication of his own weaknesses and his sad attempt to feed them. Perhaps the cruelest aspect of his crime is that it makes you doubt your own worth as a woman and a human being. Weak characters do bad things and innocent people suffer.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Answering the OP question, yes has a BS my ego is totally in the toilet... mostly a hit to Mr Nice Guy. And that is DESPITE her begging to R, telling me over and over and over it wasn't anything about me or what I didn't do except work a lot to support our family while she was a SAHM enjoying a nice lifestyle. 

Now I can't even friggin' go to work without THAT triggering me extensively. Pathetic.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

I'll 2nd 2Xloser. My ego has been swimming around in the toilet, but I'm slowly regaining confidence. Maybe next week, I'll make it around the U-bend and back into the bottom of the pan. 
After that it's the long climb out 

Don't be down about yourself Clinging, there's nothing wrong from your side of the fence.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Clinging said:


> So who has their self esteem in the toilet after their partner has had an affair?


Every person that has been betrayed takes a huge hit. So what you are feeling is normal. Remember, it was his choice. Has nothing to do with you personally.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

I'm right there with you all too. When I'm feeling a bit stronger of myself, out of the blue, a wave of despair rushes throughout me like a sinking bomb,and my heart breaks all over again. 

And as WhiteRabbit stated so well. "the shock of what he did is slowly wearing off. That numb feeling is melting now I'm actually FEELING again... I don't like it "

Ugh... 

I never really understood the famous quote of the late 60's until now,

"Today is the first day of the rest of your life...


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

For basically the past 15 years! My now exhusband had several affairs, and after each one, he twisted it around so much that I actually believed I was at fault and that I was the one who had to make it better because I was a bad wife for making him cheat on me. Yes, I really did believe that about myself. It was only recently I grew some balls and stood my ground and said no. He tried to tell me with his now current fling that he lost attraction towards me because I had gained weight through-out our marriage. That may have been an issue for me if the woman he had cheated on me with wasnt 50 lbs heavier than me! I knew from then on he was talking out of his ass and what ever he said was crap. It took me a long, long time. 15 years is how long I was with him (married 14) I do know now that I am in no way responsible for his cheating.


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## SecretTears (Jul 18, 2010)

I guess I'm the odd one out but my self-esteem is higher now than before DDay. 

Before DDay I kept wondering what I was doing wrong, why he wasn't spending time with me, was distant etc... Now I know it wasn't me. On DDay I also read some of the messages they exchanged and it confirmed that OW is really shallow, self-centered and insecure. She does look attractive (I'll give her that) but I know I'm still young, pretty, athletic AND better educated AND I would not get involved with a man who is taken. Yep, thank you OW for raising the image I had of myself.

Remember that they always "affair-down" and they cheat because THEY got issues not because you're not good enough.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Healthy attitude SecretTears! It took me as long while to see it that way.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Yes, D-Day (or D-days, in my case lol) is a self-esteem killer. It is growing, though. Slowly, but surely. I believe it is a very common response.


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## TruthSetsYouFree (May 10, 2011)

Most people who cheat do NOT cheat with someone who is more attractive, sexy, or wonderful than their significant other. It's the fantasy and the excitement of doing something forbidden that appeals to the cheaters the most. That and the ego boost. But 9 times out of 10, the other person isn't much to write home about, so to speak.


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

I was already working on a battered and very bruised ego/self esteem when Dday arrived. It threw most of my recovered self-image for a loop but I fought through it and am now feeling better about myself than I have in a long time.

I am opening up about my feelings, I am expressing it when I am ticked off and I am taking control of my life. The affair was a stick of dynamite, all right, but it blew me right out of the awful, miserable rut I had dug myself into and I am going to live my life in a way that is better, more loving and more meaningful than I have in decades. 

Everyone takes a big hit when they find out they've been betrayed by the one person in the world they thought they could count on. It's what you do with that afterwards that matters. Build on it, learn from it. Either as a divorcee or as a person working towards reconciliation never stop working on you because you're the only person you need to be happy. Good luck!


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

WOOOHOOO Struggling Man!!!!!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I know my wife will never ever cheat or stray. But sometimes, and I know this is crazy, I wish she would. At least then there'd be some plausible explanation in this ****ty world for why's so horrible to our marriage.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

As time goes on, and I learn and understand, I feel better about my self everyday.The affair has made us look closer and deeper than we probably ever did before. It's so true that what we do with what we learn is probably the most important lesson.


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## DoveInTheMud (May 25, 2011)

When I found out that my H cheated on me 8 years ago, I knew it was with a women less attractive (I knew her), but my ego still took a blow.

I actually came pretty close to developing an eating disorder as I started to eat less and mostly boring food, went to the gym like never before and lost a ton of weight. 
Also, for months I felt extremely angry at any woman with larger breasts than me... wanted to punch them. Of course, I never did, and left like crying with all that unfair fury inside of me.

Even though I found out 2 months ago that my husband repeatedly cheated on me over the past 6 years, back then, he was hugely apologetic and reapeated over and over again how attractive he found me and that it was HIS lust problem, and that it had nothing do to with me, how I looked, how I pleasured him, or actually even how the other woman looked. She was simply female and available ...

I still get hugely mad, and I again started watching what I eat, loosing weight, but I am trying to watch it as not to take it to an unhealthy level.

Basically, I am striving to be beautiful and attractive in my own eyes. Finding health and peace through what "I" choose to do, feel, and think, not somebody else.


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## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)

SecretTears said:


> I guess I'm the odd one out but my self-esteem is higher now than before DDay.
> 
> Before DDay I kept wondering what I was doing wrong, why he wasn't spending time with me, was distant etc... Now I know it wasn't me. On DDay I also read some of the messages they exchanged and it confirmed that OW is really shallow, self-centered and insecure. She does look attractive (I'll give her that) but I know I'm still young, pretty, athletic AND better educated AND I would not get involved with a man who is taken. Yep, thank you OW for raising the image I had of myself.
> 
> Remember that they always "affair-down" and they cheat because THEY got issues not because you're not good enough.


:iagree:
WOO HOO!! This has been my attitude as well. I have always known my stbxh had problems, as in with his self-esteem, etc.--just never knew of their true extent until I found out about the A. Now I can't wait to move on with my life and let him become someone else's problem. To me it's almost like letting go of an addict; I'm so tired of taking his problems on as my own. I know I have been a good wife and given it my best, and if that wasn't enough...well then he's just more fvcked up than I ever could've imagined, lol. 

To anyone who is suffering, I hope you can employ at least some aspects of the 180 so that you are better able to focus on yourself and what makes you happy. And this goes for all, whether working toward R or D, or stuck in limbo.


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