# Lost and Confused



## cmartinho (Jul 18, 2012)

I normally wouldn't post something like this on the internet, but in talking with my friends I am finding only a few helpful bits of advice. I honestly need unbias thoughts and opinions so here I turn.

My wife and I have been married for almost 4 years (coming this November) and we have a 15 month old daughter. We have had our ups and downs in our relationship, in the past, gotten into arguements over things like money, dishonesty, and lack of communication. These arguements have stemmed from tame, to threats of divorce; but we've always made up and things get better for a while, then we cycle back to old routines.

Just before our daughter was born, she wrote me a letter than laid out what she expected of me in our relationship, complete with schedule for spending time with her and my family. The problem was, when I would get home from work I would go right to my office to either play (mostly) or work (some of the times) on my computer. After the letter, things got better for a maybe 6 months, then they went right back into the usual routine (sort of) of me coming home, kissing my wife and daughter, then settling into the living room with them to watch TV or play a video game.

I realize I am painting myself into some kind of a bastard at the moment, largely stemming from a fair amount of self-loathing at having not been better to my family. To be candid about the whole relationship, here is where it stands:

Her Point-of-View

I always seem to be so miserable and unhappy, no matter what she does for me or buys me, it never seems like its enough to make me happy. Nothing is ever good enough. Further, Being in the same room with one another is not spending time together, she doesn't expect me to spend every ounce of free time I have with my family, she respects and understands that there are times when I will need/want "me" time, however, I should have spend more time being an active member of my family. She is tired of my complaining when it comes to household chores, yardwork, and the like; she doesn't want to feel like she has to mother-bear me into getting things done. I do not spend enough one-on-one time with my daughter, little things like sitting on the floor to play with her, taking her on a daddy/daughter day, generally just paying more attention to her and sharing in the responsibility of diaper changes, feedings, etc. She is disgusted by the fact that, on Father's Day this year, I spend the entire day sitting on my backside playing video games or watching TV and did not even celebrate the reason I am able to celebrate Father's Day. She is tired of being alone with me there and has decided she will be happier alone, without me there.

My Point-of-View

I was miserable, but not with my family, not directly anyway. I let myself become so hung up on the fact that I did not feel I made enough money (I make enough to pay bills and have extra, but I wanted more; and I love my job, not something many can say) that it made me a very unbearable person. I always felt like I needed more "things" to make me happy, boy was I wrong. I was equating wealth (financial and material) to happiness, and did not realize that which made me the happiest was right in front of me the whole time. I let this rule my life and take control of me, I expected that when I got home from my miserable day to be able to just sit down and relax for a few hours, afterall, when I got home she was sitting down watching TV too. She always says that in the hour she is home she "did things" but I rarely saw evidence of this. I am very observant when it comes to things, just wish I had been more observant when it came to my family. Toys would still be in the same place they were when I left that morning, dishes the same, kitchen and other rooms, all the same. It is/was very difficult to muster the desire to do anything when my partner wasn't (in my eyes) doing anything either. She said we both needed to do things to keep our house nice, she would expect me to go do the entire yard myself and then come help her clean the house. Just once, I would have liked her to help with the yard. I recognize that she can't weed eat because our weedeater is on the powerful side but she could have easily pulled the weeds in the landscaping. I am equally disgusted about Father's Day, though I did interact with my daughter I really should have spent more time with her. I do not have anything I can say that will make me feel less guilty over it. Since our daughter was born, I have felt alone as well. She no longer has intimate desires for me, she no longer seemed to show any interest in me whatsoever and what little she did throw my way seemed like she was only doing so because she felt obligated.

We would get into bouts of "Well, I only have an attitude, or am acting this way because you are." And we would go back and forth like that and I'm sorry, but, who started it is of little consequence. It doesn't matter who is to blame, what matters is working on it and moving on.

She has made very valid points that I had only begun to realize recently. I spent June 18th through July 3rd working very long days with no weekends or breaks in between, I was seeing my family awake very little this time and was starting to understand that something was terribly wrong with how I was. The problem is, I never got the chance to tell her or rectify it because on June 30th, she told me she wanted a divorce.

No more empty threats, no more trying to work on it. We didn't work out and she is no longer in love with me. She says that she still loves and cares for me, but is just not IN love with me. She says she wants to do this civilly, uncontested and remain friends for our daughter's sake, but at the same time she doesn't want to interact right now because she needs time before she can be my friend again. She had scheduled an appointment for us to consult a lawyer on July 6th.

The Sunday after she told me I had to work, such as it was since I was a complete wreck and she spent the day by herself (took my daughter to my in-laws) to think if this was what she really wanted, which at the end of the day she had decided it was. When I got home and she told me, I didn't know what to do, I've never seen her like this before. I was able to convince her to postpone the lawyer appointment and lets do a 30-day separation, we've never tried that before (and in the state of KY you have to be separated 60days anyway before you can proceed). She rescheduled the appointment for August 3rd.

On July 3rd I came home with the intent of packing up to go stay with a friend; she asked me if I would just stay until she got back from a girl's night with her friend (female). I said okay and she got home around 11:30PM after dinner and a movie, she asked if I cared to stay with the baby while she went out for a drink with her friend which I said okay. They got home about 3:30AM and she asked me to follow her friend (who drove them home) back to her house to make sure she got there safely. In my mind, this is just a ploy to go ahead and get me out sooner than later because if her friend wasn't in a shape to safely get herself home, why then was she the one driving them both home? That not-withstanding, I left that night and havent been home since at her request.

The terms of the separation, at her request, were that neither of us were to see other people and there would be no talk of our relationship or attempts at rekindling, she was done and was only doing this because we would have to do it anyway. 

We've talked only a little since then and she keeps affirming to me how she is proceeding, and she is happy by herself. My arguement to that is that she hasn't been by herself; the bills are paid for the month, she has our daughter whom I have only seen a few days out of the week (and thankfully got to keep her for the whole weekend this last weekend), she doesn't know what being alone is. I've been alone, completely and fully. Its not that I can't handle being alone, that's fine, I just don't want to be without my family.

Her mom and family are being very supportive of me, saying that they will always consider me family no matter what. Her mom and my friends are convinced she has found someone else, though she keeps telling me otherwise and I believe her. It's becoming less easy to believe her when she makes comments like on last Thursday ("That maybe you just need to go get laid.") and Monday when showing me a house ("That's a big closet, you're definitely going to have to find yourself a girl to help you fill that up."). Note: She's a Realtor on the side, and I let her show me houses simply as a chance to see her, I know it probably wasn't the right thing to do but...I don't get to be near her anymore and I miss her.

I'm losing hope that I am going to get my family back, and they mean the world to me. Everyone tells me to pretend to be okay when you;re around her and she'll come back to you, but, I don't know how to pretend to be okay. I don't want to lie to her.

I have never been a very emotional guy, and that's part of the problem, but all of these emotions that are flooding me right now I have no idea how to handle. I am crying myself to sleep every night, and I don't cry! I know there is no magic wand, or smoking gun that I can use to get my family back or even to help me cope with the loss. I know its important to use this as a growth point for myself.

But, I don't want this. I love my wife and little girl more than life itself (no, I am not suicidal). I just don't know what to do.


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

Welcome and sorry to hear about what you're going through.

Unfortunately when someone hears ILYBINILWY it often means there is a third party already/soon to be involved. If this is the case, your agreement means she knows you'll be waiting for her as a plan B if things don't work out (she's even testing you with those statements!). A monkey doesn't let of of the branch its holding without clear sight of another one. As you said yourself "she's never been alone". 

My best advice to you would be keep crying and allowing yourself to process this loss during this "practice divorce" and build up your support system of family/friends/counselors/church/etc. 

Limit your contact with her as much as possible, and even then if you're having difficulty "pretending" you can take it electronic, and ask us here at TAM if the "tone" sounds ok.

Check out "Just Let them Go" in my signature. Read it as much as I do (multiple times a week).

EDIT: For an extra layer of protection as you provide more details/updates (if you want) you can get a mod to move this to the private forum once you hit 30 posts.


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

i feel like a dose of nc might help. really make her miss you. do you think there is somebody else? this board is a great place to get advice and talk to others that are going through the same thing.


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

Also, your leaving of the marital home and child never looks good in court. Why not see your own lawyer/family law advisor to see where you stand legally? Being armed with information is a very good thing.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Move back in or quit paying the bills.


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## cmartinho (Jul 18, 2012)

As far as someone else in her life goes, I am trying very hard to believe what she is telling me about there not being anyone else. Beyond the speculations of others in our lives, I have no proof that infidelity is going on, and I am fairly good at investigation thanks to military training and I have made no discoveries (not saying I am investigating her, just observations: like my side of the bed still being made, up obvious she has been sleeping alone). Actualy, after talking to the counselor (I may not have mentioned that I started seeing an LMFT by myself) and a few other psychiatric professions I have found that, something that up until a few weeks ago I would never have admitted to myself: I have a mild case of PTSD that inhibits my ability to turn off the attitude and personality that I had to take on because of my job in the Army. I always laughed at the thought of that, but now its opening my eyes a bit more.

Of course that's not to say she couldn't be doing something somewhere else, but to be honest she has never been a secretive or nefarious person in the 6 years I have known her. I am still in love with her, so whether that makes me more aware or less aware of her true nature is debatable.

The hard part of the no contact right now is being able to see my daughter, I have been considering asking her to take her to my in-laws and I will pick her up from there. The only reason I have not asked that is my desire to see her.

My mom is dating a divorce lawyer in California, and he mentioned that as long as my leaving the home and maintaining contact with my daughter are attempts to save the marriage then I should be fine. I have contemplated going back home, but honestly the environment it would create for my daughter because of my wife's animosity would not be good for her so I feel I was left with no choice.

For the purpose of the bills, we agreed that for August I will pay the car insurance and she will pay the phone bill. I will pay my truck payment and my daughter's daycare for the month, then she will handle the mortgage, utilities, her car, etc etc. My problem with this is trying to get out of the mode of providing for my wife, she is going to be in a hardship because of this and it kills me inside to know she is going to go without. But I know my only concern right now needs to be my daughter and myself. Its just hard.

For the divorce, she wants to do this uncontested. We divide our assets beforehand, I'll take what I want from the house and she'll keep the rest and the house. We want to keep a familiar environment for our daughter intact. She keeps saying the only thing monetary she wants is me to carry our daughter's insurance since mine is better, and pay her daycare. She doesn't understand that as far as Child Support goes, we don't get to make that decision the court does. And I will gladly pay whatever it takes for my daughter. Alimony isn't a question because she makes slightly more than I do per year and when it works out on paper we bring home about the same.

Honestly I hate even thinking about it because I do not want this to go that far.


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## cmartinho (Jul 18, 2012)

Here is a question:

I mentioned that everyone I am talking to says that I need to get my confidence back, stand up and be a man, show her I am okay without her. But I'm not, so they say just "act" if I have to. Let's say I AM capable of acting.

Won't that push her away more into continuing this? She keeps saying that she just wants to see me happy in all of this. She has never had the chance to be alone and just wants to try it out. If she sees me without the pain of losing her, wont she think that this is going to be okay afterall?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

cmartinho said:


> Here is a question:
> 
> I mentioned that everyone I am talking to says that I need to get my confidence back, stand up and be a man, show her I am okay without her. But I'm not, so they say just "act" if I have to. Let's say I AM capable of acting.
> 
> Won't that push her away more into continuing this? She keeps saying that she just wants to see me happy in all of this. She has never had the chance to be alone and just wants to try it out. If she sees me without the pain of losing her, wont she think that this is going to be okay afterall?


Did you start reading the link I left you in the Men's Clubhouse?

So many answers there:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

Do you have access to your cell phone records from the last six months?


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## cmartinho (Jul 18, 2012)

I am in the process of reading the links there, its alot to absorb.

I do have access but have decided against looking to show that I can trust her.


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

If there is someone else, thats exactly what she will think. Nice, smooth transition.

Have you looked into EMDR for your PTSD? Eye movement exercises while being shown "triggers", to disperse the processing of the trauma across different parts of the brain.

Sounds like you had "work hard alone" and "play hard alone" time.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

cmartinho said:


> I am in the process of reading the links there, its alot to absorb.
> 
> I do have access but have decided against looking to show that I can trust her.


The only thing that will prove is you do not know what you are working with.

I'm not a big fan of snooping either. I used to do some when I was insecure, so I get where you're coming from.

But, she dropped a BOMB on you. "Proving your love" right now is worthless if someone else is in the picture.

You need the truth.

Get it.

Then you can get the right advice.

(I hope you find nothing there)


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

cmartinho said:


> I am in the process of reading the links there, its alot to absorb.
> 
> I do have access but have decided against looking to show that I can trust her.


A big quote here...

TRUST, but VERIFY


The mild discomfort you feel while verifying but finding nothing pales in comparison to the emotional mind-f/life changing event that is in store for you if you DO.


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## cmartinho (Jul 18, 2012)

Matt1720 said:


> If there is someone else, thats exactly what she will think. Nice, smooth transition.
> 
> Have you looked into EMDR for your PTSD? Eye movement exercises while being shown "triggers", to disperse the processing of the trauma across different parts of the brain.
> 
> Sounds like you had "work hard alone" and "play hard alone" time.


Alone is key, yes. I did a lot of my work in the military alone or as part of a small team. I thought I was able to adjust to no longer being alone but, I don't know now. 

I haven't looked into anything yet for the PTSD, I only found out that my personality exhibited signs of it. My wife thought I was bi-polar, heh. That said I am not entirely certain I believe it myself yet, its still new to me...


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

cmartinho said:


> Here is a question:
> 
> I mentioned that everyone I am talking to says that I need to get my confidence back, stand up and be a man, show her I am okay without her. But I'm not, so they say just "act" if I have to. Let's say I AM capable of acting.
> 
> Won't that push her away more into continuing this? She keeps saying that she just wants to see me happy in all of this. She has never had the chance to be alone and just wants to try it out. If she sees me without the pain of losing her, wont she think that this is going to be okay afterall?


it will make her uncomfortable to see you doing well. if you have any hope of R, this may make her question her choices. you'll read alot of people telling you to be the man she fell in love with. be confident, happy, busy. fake it till you make it. seeing you sad and needing her will make her think you will be there and she may string you along. if she is comfortable, she will continue to act the same way she is. discomfort forces change. if you want her back, the goal is to make her desired alone time not great. sounds like she thinks the grass is greener on the other side. you want her to realize it isn't. if you have to have contact during pick up/drop off of your daughter, make it short and sweet and don't give any details on what you're doing. seeing this sudden change will make probably make her curious.
exercise, go out with friends, keep busy. keep going to therapy. use this time to better yourself so that you can be the best you can either for your marriage or for future relationships. you won't feel better overnight, but you will start to feel better.


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## cmartinho (Jul 18, 2012)

As of now, she doesn't really believe that I have made any changes to my life or that I ever will. When she sees me she says that I am either immensely depressed, a ****, or cold to her. Well, I am on an emotional roller coaster right now and I have no idea how to interact around her. Honestly though, whether or not she believes any changes in me are possible or have been made no longer matters to me. The changes in myself are not for her, they are for me and my daughter because that is all I have to worry about now.

Whether or not she is sleeping with someone else isn't something I can stop, prevent, or do anything remotely about so I need to stop worrying about it. I'm teetering on the edge of just shutting myself off emotionally but I know that won't solve anything either.

So I am going to do the only thing I can. Limit my contact with her to brief, personable interactions. Fake it til I make it as someone said. The pain won't go away, but I don't have to swim around in it.


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

Who you show what...

Her: Strength, Calm, Detachment (The opposite of love is Indifference)

YOUR (not hers) trusted friends and family: Some pain and weakness, but they are really to spend quality time with (recharge your batteries so to speak)

Here: Blubbering, crying, self pity, etc, etc.

Works out nicely doesn't it? Can't fake it all the time.


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## cmartinho (Jul 18, 2012)

I play over these things in my mind and keep getting conflicted imagery. I've been trying to look more into myself so that I can find out how to be happy again no matter which direction this goes. One of the things I've had a problem with is that she hasn't seemed to desire me very since our daughter was born. Which has made me ask the question: What is attractive in a man?

As I said before, my wife and I have had our ups and downs, arguments, false threats, things said in anger that neither of us can take back. It’s been downhill for a while though I wouldn’t allow myself to see it. There are a lot of things that BOTH of us could have done a better job of, but she is past the point of wanting to try. I’m not saying that the pain has gone, or even will go, away; but I’ve come to a realization, holding on to someone who is limp in your arms is only going to make your back hurt.

So what doesn’t a woman find attractive? I’ve been reading a lot of advice columns, here and elsewhere (thanks for all of the links) and even picked up a few relationship books. The answer isn’t the same for every woman, but there are a few that were spot on for me:

Women don’t respond to being bribed for sex. Oh yea, I am guilty of this one. After out daughter was born my wife’s sex drive dropped from being a sexy little nympho to my 80 year old grandmother in 10 seconds flat. Perhaps an extreme analogy but the once a month (sometimes more, sometimes less) that we did “it” on average really made me feel like there was something wrong with me. I tried everything, from taking a day off to clean the whole house in hopes it might make her happy enough to want to lay with me to buying her Coach purses whenever I could. Ultimately this made things worse, but the thing is, usually when I did those things she WOULD sleep with me so it just egged me on to do it more. Not justifying it but that’s how it was.

Women do not desire a man who is not desirable to himself or other women. I’ve let myself go over the years, not that I was a catch to begin with but something about me made her fall in love with me to begin with and I need to find that again. Not to try to win her back, or anything like that, but simply to put myself at peace that I am a man who is desirable myself. Wallowing in self-pity, regret over things we’ve done, and the pain of what we will no longer have won’t make me feel any better. Climbing the walls at night because I miss the feel of her body next to mine doesn’t change the fact that I am alone. It’s time to make a change, or change back, as it were. My insecurities are something that can and will be overcome, in time.

On the other points, such as standing up for myself, being confident, etc. I have let her take control of every aspect of our life since we got married, and even a bit before. Financially she is the much more responsible of us, and she preferred it that way. I would keep $250 a paycheck (I get paid semi-monthly) and give the rest to her. That money I kept bought gas, cigarettes, and anything else I wanted. That said, I’ve been spending close to $200 in that timeframe on gas alone and it started to make me resentful. I should have, and need to whether there is any hope of us getting back together or not, take a firmer hold on my financial situation. It started with her controlling the finances, I then started relying on her to make decisions about everything. Somewhere along the road I lost confidence in myself to be able to make even the simplest of decisions: “What do you want for dinner honey?” “Oh, I don’t know babe, whatever you want.” When I would make a stand, it would always come out in an angry display of pent up emotions to which she would respond in kind. Then things would get better, we would make up, and everything would cycle back around to being the same as it always was. I’ve managed to get more confidence back in the last week than I have in the last 2 years, despite her attempts to discredit my feelings as veiled attempts to open the soft spot in her heart.

I know now, that she has to WANT to love me, and she isn’t in a place now (and maybe never again) where she can do that. I hate that it got to this point, but there isn’t anything I can do to fix it. The pain will subside, though never go away, and I will learn to live with it and be a better, happier, more confident man for it.

I’ve come to the realization that when it pertains to our relationship, or any relationship, as parents and as husband/wife that there is not a line drawn between “me” and “you.” In all things we have to be partners, and I haven’t done such a good job of that for my part. For her part, she likes to be in control so rarely does she say anything. Just once, if SHE had said to me “Where is the confident, sexy man I fell in love with?” It might have jogged me through this a little quicker, and in time to save my marriage. She is a very observant and caring woman, but when she has anything to say about me it usually comes in the form of complaining about the things I am not doing, or not acting like I am happy. And just that. Blanket statements, no analysis of what about me she is missing beyond her own needs. I am sure she made the observation that I was not as confident, not as calm and collected as I used to be. I’m not blaming her for not pointing it out, just wish she had brought it to my attention.

She doesn’t believe that I want to be partners. She is in a place where she feels she can no longer trust anything I say or do so any of these revelations I share with her are lost. Like I said though, I have to find a way to be okay with that. They are for me, and me alone. If I can’t take care of, and be happy for, myself then I can’t take care of anyone else; most importantly my daughter.


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## cmartinho (Jul 18, 2012)

Sometimes I think hey, I can do this. I can be calm, confident, and strong again. Those days (more like hours) are really easy to get through, time seems to fly by and before I know it the day is over.

Then there are those other moments where all I can think about it her and how much I miss her. I still feel my confidence returning during those times but the pain is hard to deal with.

I do have a curiosity though:

To all men out there who have lost their confidence and let their wives take the reign in the relationship I would like to ask this:

If you have recovered your confidence, how did you know how to distinguish it from testosterone-charged male bravado?

The thing is, I only lost my confidence completely when it pertained to my wife and our dynamic. I keep bouncing back and forth between the thought of going home, opening the door and saying "Look, we're going to work on this, you're coming to counseling with me, and we're going to make a go of this because I'm not ready to give you up."

On the other hand, I see that as selfish and overcompensating. Also pretty sure that would earn me a kick to the crotch and a lot closer to divorce town.

How do you tell when you're being confident and no just macho (for lack of a better term)?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

First you have to know if there's someone else in her life.

It makes all the difference in how you respond.

If not, you're flying blind.


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

Conrad said:


> First you have to know if there's someone else in her life.
> 
> It makes all the difference in how you respond.
> 
> If not, you're flying blind.


I wasted three months of my life driving myself crazy with how I could "improve". No matter how much I was afraid to admit it, it was all for her benefit. 

Once D-Day happened, I improved, because I knew I'd need to in order to do well in my new life.

You need to know whats going on before wasting any more time torturing yourself.


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## cmartinho (Jul 18, 2012)

I have confirmed everything I can possibly confirm on my own that she is not, at least at this time, seeing anyone else. I cannot say that it hasn't happened in the past because I cannot go back in time (beyond previous discussion) and check; hell, if I could go back in time I wouldn't be in this mess.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

What did you review?


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## cmartinho (Jul 18, 2012)

All pertinent sources.


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

i basically did the same thing you did. lost myself, became codependant. i was no longer the sexy, confidant, independant woman he fell in love with. i became this needy bloob who couldn't do anything with out him. she doesn't believe you've made changes in yourself because she has to see them, not just hear you tell her. 

i would suggest reading the 5 languages of love. that might help you figure out what she needs/wants from you.


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## cmartinho (Jul 18, 2012)

That's my ever-resounding fears though:

Will she ever need/want anything from me again, she says she is done and over me. How does love just go away like that?

Am I even capable of being what she needs/wants? I was once, I think, but I don't know.

I'll check it out (the book).


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## cmartinho (Jul 18, 2012)

It sucks that I can't seem to make it through just one day without thinking about her, without my chest going all tight and my stomach twisting into knots. It makes my mind race in 1000 different directions and its hard to take.

I'm not used to being this damned emotional, and that I have to try to stay strong and confident around her? That's @#[email protected] torture when all I want is to throw my arms around her and just hold her.


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

An analogy,

Your boss tells you to pack you bags and get out. You've done a good job but they just don't want you around anymore. Heres your severance pay, good luck in the future, etc.

Do you show up the next day, fix yourself a coffee, and sit down and get back to work? 

Throwing your arms around her and holding her now should sound just as ridiculous to you.


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

i do too, time is the essence, give her time to process her feelings. every thing that has been told to you has been told to me, i'm not perfect at it myself but i am working on it, right now she is gone, she won't be coming back anytime soon & the quicker you realize it the better you'll be, def work on you, people do not change over night period. i think about my w all day, i take meds to help with depression & anxiety. i'm in IC & love it, i work out 6 days a week, i'm not sure what i want now, just over 3 mos in for me. every day is a new emotion & feeling, i also want to just grab her,tell her i love her but that won't help at all, GOTTA FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT, i thought i couldn't live without her but i am so far. read my thread, it'll show you the journey i'm taking


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## cmartinho (Jul 18, 2012)

Oh, I know I can live without her, I just don't want to. But I know that its over, she doesn't want me anymore, doesn't love me; and as much as it kills me I have to move past it.

Thursday I told her I didn't think it was a good idea for us to see each other any more than we have to. She has stated she feels awkward around me, and I have shown that I can't be normal around her (my emotions going flying in 1000 different directions). We were discussing me seeing my daughter for a bit that afternoon before I went to my LMFT. She seemed a little taken aback by me saying that, but I don't know. I used to be able to read her like a book and now....its shut to me.

I was able to hold out, being calm and detached from the whole thing when I saw her on Saturday. I picked my daughter up to take her shopping for a b-day present for mommy. We were gone for a few hours and when I got back, she opened her gift and seemed to like it. It was hard for me not to get her something, you know, from me but I held strong. She doesn't need/want anything from me anymore.

I left shortly thereafter but had to run back in to give her the receipt for the gift in case she needed to take it back or get a replacement or whatever. When I went back in, she was on the couch on the verge of tears. The hardest thing I have ever had to do was make like I didn't notice. I wanted to so bad to put my arms around her and ask what was wrong. That was Saturday midday and its all I've been able to think about since.

Today is her actual birthday, and its killing me. I wished her a Happy Birthday, that's about it. Today is a frantically spiraling down day and I can't get my hands wrapped around my emotions to rein them in. It doesn't help that I quit smoking on Friday, something I have needed to do for a while and I've had this cough for a few weeks now so I said to hell with it and put them down.

I want to go home. I want her to want me. I miss my family, my daughter, my wife, my dog. Its getting darker now, and I don't want to be where this is going...


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

"I left shortly thereafter but had to run back in to give her the receipt for the gift in case she needed to take it back or get a replacement or whatever. When I went back in, she was on the couch on the verge of tears. The hardest thing I have ever had to do was make like I didn't notice. I wanted to so bad to put my arms around her and ask what was wrong. That was Saturday midday and its all I've been able to think about since."

you did the right thing. i know it doesn't feel like it. you did the opposite of what she thought you would. you made her start to feel what life without you is like. right now, assume it is over for good, and start moving forward. harder said than done, i know. when chad left, in my heart i told myself it was over. we are sitting down to talk this week, but i'm not stressed out because i feel like i've already gotten to "worst case scenerio" so things could get better or remain the same.


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