# Confused and left wondering what next



## Hapswrld (May 4, 2012)

Hi, first off I never thought I would be here. I guess that goes for everyone. I will just get down to it then, my wife and I have been together for 17 years. I have not been the perfect husband but never thought my marriage was in trouble tho. We never fought, not once in 17 yrs have we had one argument. About 9 months ago I received a text from a man she was having an affair with from her work. The affair was going on for about 2.5 years. I did everything that you weren't suppose to do after I received that text. I will blew up at her, I never felt so much pain in my life. Then I got possessive and wanted to know everything and boy that was a mistake. 
I really beat her up about for about 2 months, then we separated and live about now. We have been apart for about 7 months. She moved in with him as soon as we split. Now they do not lived together anymore and they no longer contact each other. I know this for a fact. So when I heard that I was ecstatic and thought hey! this a chance to get my family back together. Yes we have 2 boys, they are with me full time and she only sees them on two days a week for about 5 hours on those 2 days. So she doesn't want to spend to much time with them for some reason. But anyways I really want to repair my marriage, but now she is telling me she does not love me anymore. I really am confused on how someone can discard 17 years of marriage, the kids and just walk away from her family like this. She says she needs her space to think and doesn't want to be forced. Now to me it doesn't seem to be forcing because I would never put my family in jeopardy like this. So I have a really hard time understanding this behavior from her. My questions are these, I do not know what to do. Honestly raising my kids by myself scares the crap outta me, I am concerned if I could provide for them like I want to, raising them on just one income is just really difficult. Second, should I just move, I do not contact her at all for anything, the kids do not even ask for her. I really want my family repaired but at what cost? Any advice would be greatly appreciated and sorry for such a long story. Thank you.


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## Vanton68 (Feb 5, 2012)

Get a younger, hotter girlfriend in your life. Most wives will come running back to either:

1. false R to destroy your chance at happiness

2. Become aware that you are desirable enough for an 'better woman' therefore you are desirable enough for her


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

and get a DNA for paternity.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Women many times feel shame for having betrayed their husbands. They often don't feel worthy of going back to the marriage and family they left for another man. Never in their minds did they ever believe that they were capable of marital betrayal. The taste of humble pie can be very bitter for them that they tell their betrayed husbands that they no longer feel love for them (not necessarily true) as a way to hide from their shame and unworthiness.

Nevertheless, file for divorce. She needs to feel the consequences of her actions. This is not retribution but a protection of your well being and that of your kids. Hopefully she will wake up and realize what she is on the verge of losing.

Read the following.

*http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html#post306559*
*The 180 degree rules*
*Man Up real life story*
*No More Mr Nice Guy*


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

kenmoore14217 said:


> and get a DNA for paternity.


Hi haps

I agree with Kenmore. Get DNA test to ensure the children are yours. 

It's a sad but true statistic that a lot of women get pregnant by an affair partner and then pass it off as their husband's kid.

As hurtful as knowing may be, I am a big proponent of knowing the truth. The truth will set us free.

You ask how can a wife give up on 17 years of marriage. 

The answer is that cheaters are selfish sorts. They likely were never fully invested in a marriage the way you were. 

A non cheaters mind does not work the same way as a cheater's does. 

Many cheaters disassociate and/or have personality disorders. Both a serious issues. 

If your wife is not remorseful, she is really selfish.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sorry brother, it sound like she has really walked away.

I have heard alot about how the wayward feels, I'm no pro, but often there is a humilation and shame that come with the failure she has become due to her poor choices. Along with that there is alot of guilt and low self esteem. 

In most cases the wayward feel unworthy of the love from her family, kids included. There is the unworthy feeling that combined with not diserving to be happy for what she has down that sits with your wife.

You mentioned that you emotionally beat her up for a few months and she may not be willing to deal with this kind of consequence. In fact she may not be willing to deal with any of the consequence or the heavy lifting to repair the marriage.

Look up the 180 degree, they are steps to protect your emotions. You might need to just let her go and disingage her completely until she finds it with in her self to fix this. You can't control her so look after your self and your boys.

Work on your self to be a better man, start a hobby, work out, take a vaction, buy some new clothes and just work on you.

Its not what knocks us down that matters, its how we get back up that counts!


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Hapswrld said:


> My questions are these, I do not know what to do. Honestly raising my kids by myself scares the crap outta me, I am concerned if I could provide for them like I want to, raising them on just one income is just really difficult. Second, should I just move, I do not contact her at all for anything, the kids do not even ask for her. I really want my family repaired but at what cost? Any advice would be greatly appreciated and sorry for such a long story. Thank you.


Basically, your wife had no sexual attraction to you back when she began the affair. She got all the sex-buzz drugs in her brain (look up PEA, dopamine, norepinephrine, brain-sex etc for explanation) and became a sex addict with OM for a while. That stuff typically wears off after about 3-4 years max, so it's predictable that they are no longer together. He was most likely replaced for new, younger string of hook ups so she could achieve her high. Thus, no interest in you now that she's been engaging in far out sexual practices she would never allow you, the father of her kids, to know she now engages in as SOP. You, and your kids, have been flushed. She doesn't want to be around any of you to be reminded of her descent. She's not coming back. Abandonment of the kids and no contact with them is the proof. 

You're correct that it is expensive to raise kids alone on one standard income these days. That's why you need to file for divorce and get her paying CS to you ASAP.

You've already been advised to get a younger, hotter woman. I concur. However, your wife may suddenly get attracted to you again if you pull this off, so be mentally prepared to send her packing. 

File and start a bodybuilding program immediately.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

I really wish posters wouldn't be so casual or flippant about getting paternity testing in these circumstances. Really what value would bringing up that issue up at this point be helpful. Whe add to the emotional stress he and his kids are dealing with at this point of their lives......DNA testing can wait.

If the children were born in the marriage and he held himself to the world as their father - no matter the results of the DNA testing he is still the "legal" father of thease children and this is true in all 50 states and the European Union..........so at this point in his life and his kids life would DNA testing have any mature value.

Save testing for later if you feel you need to, work on you and your family - improve yourself - don't chase her....live life and pursue true happiness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

IMO, DNA testing proves other affairs, something most people caught with their pants down deny vehemently. 

IMO, if the kids turn out to not be yours, than you have proof.

It helps get the BS out of the fog they may be in due to the cheaters denials and gas lighting and blame shifting and lies about prior affairs. It's difficult to prove past affairs. 

Also, if filing for fault, if allowed in your state, it can help the man get custody of the children. 

One affair won't mean much, but several amounts to child neglect and the man has a better chance of custody, if he wants it. 

My husbands married OW had kids and would park them with sitters while she was out looking for men and dating other men. 

Not a good mother, IMO.

But, everyone needs to make their own decisions.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Hapswrld said:


> I really am confused on how someone can discard 17 years of marriage, the kids and just walk away from her family like this.


Someone who isn't marriage material would do this.



> She says she needs her space to think and doesn't want to be forced. Now to me it doesn't seem to be forcing because I would never put my family in jeopardy like this. So I have a really hard time understanding this behavior from her.


It's not force, its pressure. The more you pressure her the more she will resist. Just talking to her puts pressure on her.



> My questions are these, I do not know what to do. Honestly raising my kids by myself scares the crap outta me, I am concerned if I could provide for them like I want to, raising them on just one income is just really difficult.


And yet you've been doing it all this time. Get a D then ask for child support.



> Second, should I just move, I do not contact her at all for anything, the kids do not even ask for her. I really want my family repaired but at what cost? Any advice would be greatly appreciated and sorry for such a long story. Thank you


If she cared even a little should would have tried to come back with the A died (very typical). The fact that she didn't says she was having an exit affair.

You are not getting your family back, you need to accept that and file for a D and find someone else worth having. She doesn't sound like much of a mother or wife so what are you really losing? There will be others, there always are.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Hap,

You have been given good advice.

Seen an attorney and file for D. Your wife has abandoned you, your kids and your marriage.

Why on earth would you want to be with a woman who is not only selfish but has lost almost all of her maternal instincts.

She is damaged and you cannot help her. Only she can help herself.

Get the Divorce in gear so she can support you and your kids financially.

Move forward my Man. It is the only direction you can go in.

HM64


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

you already have your family. you and your kids.Machi xplained the sex drug affect, and the high ppl get from it. Why would you want someone that cheated for so long ? How do you know if he was the only one ? Do you actually think she is going without now ? Stop using the kids as an excuse. File an make her pay CS for those kids. Personally, I don't want someone that don't want me, kids or no kids. You take care of those kids by holding her financially accountable for her parental responsibilities. That is your job as a good parent. Heck, the kids don't even ask about her according to you, so only holding her accountable $$ wise is best overall. I bet they feel her disinterest in them, so forcing her to see them is punishing them.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Moritori---gave you sound advice----she does not call the shots---she cheated----you tell her this game will be played by your rules---if she doesn't like it---tell her 2 things---to make sure she works enuff to support herself---and to prepare to defend a D., action

Also since she wants to be independent---but would still want marital assets in a D. settlement---she is to start paying her HALF, OF EACH AND EVERY BILL YOU ACCUMULATE IN THE MGE.

She has to know accountability---she treated you as a POS for over 2 yrs., and is still doing so---she is just not cheating now,------ maybe--cuz you actually wouldn't really know---would you, cuz you are seperated.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

File for divorce, sue for child support, let her know you may reconcile but until then the divorce is going on. Start looking for a new partner. 

Start reading at this link 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read-3.html


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## Hapswrld (May 4, 2012)

Guys I appreciate the advice, it has been really helpful. I think overall it is the "man up part" that I need to start doing and moving on with my life. It's been 10 months living apart and she has not even shown a little bit of interest in us. She sees the kids 2 days a week for 5 hours a day and that's it. Her choice not mine. The thing that concerns me is that filing for divorce the chances are I would have to share custody kids with her and I do not want to. It is not to punish her or anything like that, I love having my kids full time, I am a proud parent and cherish it. But why should I have to spend less time with my kids because of her infidelity? I do not deserve to see my kids 50% of the time. I am a good father, I want my kids all the time because I deserve it. So divorce scares me in that aspect.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Hapswrld said:


> Guys I appreciate the advice, it has been really helpful. I think overall it is the "man up part" that I need to start doing and moving on with my life. It's been 10 months living apart and she has not even shown a little bit of interest in us. She sees the kids 2 days a week for 5 hours a day and that's it. Her choice not mine. The thing that concerns me is that filing for divorce the chances are I would have to share custody kids with her and I do not want to. It is not to punish her or anything like that, I love having my kids full time, I am a proud parent and cherish it. But why should I have to spend less time with my kids because of her infidelity? I do not deserve to see my kids 50% of the time. I am a good father, I want my kids all the time because I deserve it. So divorce scares me in that aspect.


Did you keep a journal of how much you took care of the kids and how little she saw them?

You're already the primary care giver, if you can prove it at the court you will very likely get primary custody.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

keko said:


> Did you keep a journal of how much you took care of the kids and how little she saw them?
> 
> You're already the primary care giver, if you can prove it at the court you will very likely get primary custody.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Consult with a divorce attorney to inform yourself as to your chances of having physical custody of the kids.

Check out the forums in *Dads divorce* as well, especially the Do's and Don's before and after divorce.


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## Hapswrld (May 4, 2012)

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through in my life and my life is far from perfect. I keep a journal of how much time she spends with them. I do not keep receipts of anything tho, should I start keeping receipts. The kids are with me 100% of the time. Honestly if it wasn't for my mom to watch the kids like she does I would never been able to do this on my own. It's nice to have help. I just don't have the finances to pay for child care right now. I am taking all the burden right now, she only gives me $160 month. It's nothing.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Hapswrld said:


> This is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through in my life and my life is far from perfect. I keep a journal of how much time she spends with them. I do not keep receipts of anything tho, should I start keeping receipts. The kids are with me 100% of the time. Honestly if it wasn't for my mom to watch the kids like she does I would never been able to do this on my own. It's nice to have help. I just don't have the finances to pay for child care right now. I am taking all the burden right now, she only gives me $160 month. It's nothing.


Yes, find all of the receipts, bank statements, anything and everything. Document each and every action you take and anything your wife doesn't take. Find all emails, texts proving you are getting a very small money, how she rarely visit's them, how you do all of the activites of the kids, etc.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Hap
Go for a consult with an attorney. Tell the attorney you want 100% custody.

I would think if the kids live with you, your wife spends maximum 10 hours a week with them and she barely covers the costs that you can get full custody with a good attorney.

Document everything.

I bet your wife does not want custody by the way she has been acting the lasts 10 months.

HM64
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Hapswrld said:


> She moved in with him as soon as we split.
> 
> 
> She says she needs her space to think and doesn't want to be forced..


She left you before you even thought about leaving her.

What else can you expect from a marriage that is already over.


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## Hapswrld (May 4, 2012)

She doesn't live with him anymore.. sometimes I can't even breathe when thinking about this. I wish she wasn't the mother of my kids so I wouldn't have to see her anymore. Is that wrong to think like that? We had a great family, sometimes I just want to scream at her and yell " Are you happy now! Look at what you did! " but I just find some activity to do until my anger passes. This is so hard for me to grasp and put into perspective. I would never do this, ever. Our marriage vows, am I wrong to break them even tho she has broken them? Is divorce the answer? I feel like I am giving up by filing.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

No, if it wasn't the other man it would be another one. The old wife you had is long gone, don't wait for it cause it ain't coming back. 

You held on to your vows while she didn't, waiting for her to come back would be an insult to yourself. 

Start looking after yourself such as working out, new clothes, new friends, etc.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

what is so wrong to give up on someone who wants you to ? she has given up !!! this is a woman who not only left her husband, but walked out on her kids. mother and child is suppose to be the strongest bond there is. where is her maternal instints, the constant need to nuture an protect her children ?? It's buried under the strong desire to be away from you, and her wants for strange. So you are not giving up, you are accepting her decision. By letting her go, you can start your healing. You do this by accepting, that as a mature parent, you have a duty to your kids to be a whole man, in mind, spirit, and body. Sure you are angry, hurt and disappointed. So read "Just Let Them Go", an the 180. Life, is about change, and growth.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Quit being a passive weakling and file for divorce for god's sake! Give your children the gift of a father they can respect.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Hap,

Go see your doctor. You may need some AD meds. Also, have him run a full "T" panel for you. You may well have a low count.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Hapswrld said:


> She doesn't live with him anymore.. sometimes I can't even breathe when thinking about this. I wish she wasn't the mother of my kids so I wouldn't have to see her anymore. Is that wrong to think like that? We had a great family, sometimes I just want to scream at her and yell " Are you happy now! Look at what you did! " but I just find some activity to do until my anger passes. This is so hard for me to grasp and put into perspective. I would never do this, ever. Our marriage vows, am I wrong to break them even tho she has broken them? Is divorce the answer? I feel like I am giving up by filing.


Giving up???? No you are not giving up. Wait, yes you are. You are giving up on a wife that has no respect or love for you or your children. You are giving up on a marriage that has been a joke for years. You are giving up on a woman who is not trust worthy and is unstable. You are giving up on a person who a terrible roll model for your children.

By filing for divorce you are finally taking control of your well being and that of your children. You are taking control of the fear that has held you hostage for so long. You are taking control of your life and your family's future. You are doing what is best.

Be strong and take control.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

Hapswrld said:


> Guys I appreciate the advice, it has been really helpful. I think overall it is the "man up part" that I need to start doing and moving on with my life. It's been 10 months living apart and she has not even shown a little bit of interest in us. She sees the kids 2 days a week for 5 hours a day and that's it. Her choice not mine. The thing that concerns me is that filing for divorce the chances are I would have to share custody kids with her and I do not want to. It is not to punish her or anything like that, I love having my kids full time, I am a proud parent and cherish it. But why should I have to spend less time with my kids because of her infidelity? I do not deserve to see my kids 50% of the time. I am a good father, I want my kids all the time because I deserve it. So divorce scares me in that aspect.


10 months of abandonment: you have an excellent chance at full custody.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

i say you move on and test the waters yourself. no harm in meeting new people, given what you've gone through.

it's time she waited on you.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Hapswrld said:


> She doesn't live with him anymore.. sometimes I can't even breathe when thinking about this. I wish she wasn't the mother of my kids so I wouldn't have to see her anymore. Is that wrong to think like that? We had a great family, sometimes I just want to scream at her and yell " Are you happy now! Look at what you did! " but I just find some activity to do until my anger passes. This is so hard for me to grasp and put into perspective. I would never do this, ever. Our marriage vows, am I wrong to break them even tho she has broken them? Is divorce the answer? I feel like I am giving up by filing.


You are not giving up by filing. 

I can totally understand why you are waffling. You love her and took your vows seriously. 

I am in the same boat. My husband had an affair. He is still lying about so many things I asked myself daily why I am even attempting an R. 

I need to man up, too, even though I am a woman. I don't know why I don't just give him the boot and move on. 

I am attractive and men flirt with me all the time. I never take the bait, and still won't. Not until I am divorced. I won't allow my husband to force me to the dark side. 

He wants that, too. He keeps encouraging me to have an affair.....WTF.


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## Hapswrld (May 4, 2012)

I have a question mother's day, my oldest son asked me if we are going to get a gift for her. Now I do not want to but do I need to? What is the protocol for this? I really do not want to waste my money on her I have very little to go around.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Negative. If she comes home kids should celebrate it with her but nothing more. Do you really think she deserve's anything? No.

I'm surprised the kids even think of her after how much she has gone off.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Instead of buying her something, have the kids make her a nice card. that send several msg's. You are not wasting your time and effort on her, but her kids love her in spite of her actions. You are showing you are not trying to destroy their bond to their mom.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

calif_hope said:


> I really wish posters wouldn't be so casual or flippant about getting paternity testing in these circumstances. Really what value would bringing up that issue up at this point be helpful. Whe add to the emotional stress he and his kids are dealing with at this point of their lives......DNA testing can wait.
> 
> If the children were born in the marriage and he held himself to the world as their father - no matter the results of the DNA testing he is still the "legal" father of thease children and this is true in all 50 states and the European Union..........so at this point in his life and his kids life would DNA testing have any mature value.
> 
> ...


I agree. Whatever the biological parentage these kids are emotionally yours. After my wife's A, I certainly had these same concerns, but I concluded that my boys were mine wherever they came from. As grown men, I see that in them every day in the quality of their character and their values. You already know that your wife cheated on you. Why extend the damage to your kids beyond what they've already experienced? Get on with your life, with her or without.


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## Hapswrld (May 4, 2012)

Well I am looking into divorce attorneys now, I have a couple of appointments next week. What flipped the switch was on her weekend off from work she only spent 5 hrs with the kids and on Sunday she said she needed to help a friend move. But in reality she drove an 1.5 hr away to go visit the guy she had the affair with. So in my opinion she does not even deserve to be in the kids' lives if that is how she treats her time with them. I just hope I can afford one.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

H, if you have anything that you can sell fast do it. Even if you're at a loss do it now before you have your wife served with divorce papers. Once the divorce starts it will get very ugly very quick and you'll need every dollar you can find.


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## Hapswrld (May 4, 2012)

I am trying to find funds, I have sold everything to keep groceries on the table and bills paid. I will get it done one way or another. Get 'er done! I really wasn't prepared for the financial burden of being single father. Really was a big slap on face for me.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Try relatives for small loans. Don't tell them why you need it though. 

I'll remind once again, keep record of everything I mentioned earlier.


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## Hapswrld (May 4, 2012)

Reading these forums I have read to expose what she did to everyone, is this wise thing to do? Should I do this? I do not want to do anything to jeopardize my chances of custody when I get a divorce. The reasoning sounds strong to bring everything she did. Does this mean posting on her fb or just letting her parents know what is going on good enough?


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Hap, it all depends on what you want. Are you looking to R, or D. By now you should have told her parents. Exposing far and wide in most cases has caused problems for the APs, and caused breakups. That doesn't mean she will come back, bc she is deep in the fog. At any rate, you should have told some ppl what she has done an is doing. I'm sure if you go back and read this thread, most of the Vets told you to expose. She left the home, you are caring for the kids, so document this. You are the primary caregiver, doc it.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Exposure forces her to deal with the truth of her choices - especially around family and friends.

You say she left you and moved in with the OM - did you not expose to family and friends that she was openly living with another man? Did you not expose that this is the same man she cheated with for 2.5 years?

Or did you help hide the affair and make life easy for her, by letting her act like the "good" mom, when in reality she was a selfish cheater?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Hap,

I hope you downloaded Divorce papers from your states website this weekend.

It will make a lovely Mother's Day present from the kids!!!

Stay Strong Hap. I know you will find a way to move forward in life with your kids.:FIREdevil:

HM64


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## Hapswrld (May 4, 2012)

Actually mother's day was bizarre, I have been busy exploring avenues. There is no way to get an attorney so I am going to free workshops at the courthouse to see what I need to do to file by myself. Oh Mother's Day, my wife came to pick up the kids and my youngest one screamed " I want daddy! I want daddy! " It actually kinda of disturbed me and was kinda of funny at the same time.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

You NEED to get a lawyer. Ask, beg, steal, whatever. If you want to get what you deserve out of your WW, you need to lawyer up.

Are you documenting your parenting time?


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## Hapswrld (May 4, 2012)

I can't get a lawyer. There's no f***'ing way. I keep track of her parenting time since its only 10 hours a week. The kids are with me 99.6% of the time. I keep costs of groceries, clothes, time spent on extra curricular activities, when I take em to the park, school events, birthdays parties I do everything. She does nothing, except take them to her house so they can watch movies. She might buy them clothes once and while but that's it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

How are you planning to get child support from her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hapswrld (May 4, 2012)

The thing is I want my family back together but the divorce might actually make her spend more time with the kids. I don't know want her too. Even tho I know that is wrong to say that is how I feel. I think it is crap where a spouse can walk out and quit and still be given rights to the children she deserted. To me that's the most messed up thing I have ever heard of and I am going to have a hard time dealing with her seeing the kids. There is like no reprocotions for her actions. Maybe spend a little money on child support but that's it. No wonder why everyone gets divorce nowadays. This no fault system is a joke IMO. I don't want to have any contact with her, someone's chooses to quit then they shouldn't have any rights.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hapswrld (May 4, 2012)

You can file child support through the child services office.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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