# Stuck in a rut sexually



## Waltertherobot (Jan 1, 2021)

Hi everyone, I feel like I'm at the end of my proverbial rope. I have tried many things to fix our sex life but nothing works
TLDR version: wife is pretty uninterested in sex, she does have it with me but no foreplay, no kissing no talking, just quicky to get it over. She says I'm ungrateful and have way more than anybody and dismisses any thing I try to say about the subject. 

Some background
We have been married 12 years, but started dating 15 years ago. She was early 20s and I was mid to late 20s. We have 2 younger kids as we spent the first 6 years of our marriage travelling and enjoying being a couple.

The longer version
When we started dating it seemed like she was the high libido. After (and during) dates she initiated typically. During this time nothing was off the table but 90% of the time she gave oral and received manual stimulation. She pretty regularly orgasmed, she even commented that she had never achieved orgasm with her previous 2 partners. She never fully masterbated or achieved orgasm by herself

We moved in together for a year after I proposed and things were pretty much the same (aka golden era lol)

When we finally got married things started to transition to more vaginal intercourse but we would still have foreplay and she would still let me manually stimulate her but not too the degree as before and certainly not to orgasm and occasionally she would reach orgasm through vaginal intercourse

Over the years it kept going in the direction until we decided to have kids and the hormones took over and it was like we were newlyweds again

Afterwards she stopped letting me do anything to her other than vaginal, no nipple play, no fingers, no oral, no making out

It kept going this way and rinse repeat with our second kid

But now things are even more cold, her attitude is pretty much just pound it out, don't talk to me about it

Our typical act is I'll walk into the bedroom she is in bed under the covers in the nude, she will turn her back to me so I can massage and kiss her back then it's pound town and over and she will say stuff like ok now leave me alone for a week

I've read articles about how i need to act and things to do (I realize I'm typically disconnected and emotionally cold at times) but every time I try to talk she rolls her eyes and says how lucky I am that I get it so much and there are couples who never have it

A few times I have bought toys and tried to put an emphasis on foreplay and giving her oral but it's like I'm doing it to a sexdoll, she didn't like any thing.

I've asked her repeatedly to not just be naked and let me undress her but she doesn't

I've also asked her to just surprise me when she is planning on giving me sex but she doesn't, she always just tells me "ok tonight when the kids are asleep and before we go to bed we are going to have sex"

I've asked her to tell me (once in a blue moon) that she wants me so I can do some thing about it. But every single time we will be sitting and she will say things like "oh 2 weeks ago I wanted you really bad" 

All of this is a giant frustration, I get her body and hormones have changed but where is my wife from 10 years ago? Where is my gf from 15 years ago. I'm pretty sure I'm the same as I was before

The only clue that she has given me is that before she wasn't supposed to have sex because we weren't married and it was taboo and a turn on

Please help, I'm starting to get desperate, she doesn't want to see a therapist, she doesn't want to talk about it and here I am like a balloon that's about to pop

Thanks in advance


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

You need to either find a way to have a frank and honest conversation about this or go to a counsellor (sex positive if possible) to help you both communicate about this. It is causing resentment and that will damage the relationship.

In the meantime, have you tried to be more sexually dominant and spontaneous yourself? Perhaps trying to capture a bit more of the risk that she responded to earlier in the relationship might be worth a try.


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## Waltertherobot (Jan 1, 2021)

AGoodFlogging said:


> You need to either find a way to have a frank and honest conversation about this or go to a counsellor (sex positive if possible) to help you both communicate about this. It is causing resentment and that will damage the relationship.
> 
> In the meantime, have you tried to be more sexually dominant and spontaneous yourself? Perhaps trying to capture a bit more of the risk that she responded to earlier in the relationship might be worth a try.


Thank you very much for your advice

I have tried to be more dominant, but generally I get rejected pretty hard which just adds to the resentment. She is not a very introspective person at all to begin with so when I do try to talk to her it doesn't get very far

Before we had kids she would go to a psychologist for her issues with her parents but after I started to see progress allof the sudden she said it was a waste of money


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

Waltertherobot said:


> Thank you very much for your advice
> 
> I have tried to be more dominant, but generally I get rejected pretty hard which just adds to the resentment. She is not a very introspective person at all to begin with so when I do try to talk to her it doesn't get very far
> 
> Before we had kids she would go to a psychologist for her issues with her parents but after I started to see progress allof the sudden she said it was a waste of money


I'm afraid these things are a bit of trial and error and it maybe that she likes the status quo and doesn't want to change. I'd recommend being honest with her that you are unhappy and feel unloved and want to work with her to improve your relationship. She may agree or she may not, but at least you've started the issue and there is nothing she can do to stop you from seeking support to work through what you are feeling even if she doesn't tag along. If she doesn't want to work together then I would recommend just working on yourself and creating a bit of distance.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Waltertherobot said:


> She never fully masterbated or achieved orgasm by herself


At the risk of being reductionist, thus one sentence combined with the rest leads me to think that you married someone with low sexual interest.

She doesn't see a lot of intrinsic value in sex for her own pleasure, if correct. She's happy to engage in it superficially for the sake of your relationship, but can completely ignore it but for your interest.

Sound about right, or am I off base?


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

AGoodFlogging said:


> I'm afraid these things are a bit of trial and error and it maybe that she likes the status quo and doesn't want to change. *I'd recommend being honest with her that you are unhappy and feel unloved and want to work with her to improve your relationship.* She may agree or she may not, but at least you've started the issue and there is nothing she can do to stop you from seeking support to work through what you are feeling even if she doesn't tag along. If she doesn't want to work together then I would recommend just working on yourself and creating a bit of distance.


In one ear and out the other. Nothing ever changes with my STBX. 2 years, 3 months, 25 days since sex last happened. Talks and emails IGNORED. It is OVER. Moving on now.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Ask her once more to discuss the issue. If she evades or refuses, tell her that you will find a therapist to work with. If she refuses to go, or sabotages the process if you go, then file for divorce. You really have no other ethical option except live with it - and it will probably get worse with time so you may get to the point of divorce eventually no matter what. Why wait?


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## 21stcenturyfox (Nov 29, 2020)

Have you tried suggesting that she see a doctor to determine if there is a physical reason she has lost interest? I know I lost interest for a long time during/after both my pregnancies, and pretty much lost it completely once I hit perimenopause. Fortunately my husband has pretty much lost his libido as well due to health issues so it's not a big deal for us. But I know at least in my case it's pretty much been a hormonal issue.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

I think Married but Happy spelled it out. Its either divorce or live with it. I think this kind of thing happens to many couples. Just look how many people here are asking for help both men and women.

Sex in marriage is probably the biggest challenge in the world.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Here's the real dilemma I think you're dealing with. Even if you find the magic bullet and your wife starts having more sex and letting you have more foreplay etc. she will be doing it solely for you, not because she is actually into it. That will likely leave you equally or more frustrated because unless she is capable of oscar worthy acting it will be obvious to you. I think what you are looking for is not just better more varied sex but a partner who is actively engaged and enthusiastic. It is doubtful your wife will become that again. It could be hormones or other factors that could be treated but she would need to really want to fix the problem for anything to help.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

happyhusband0005 said:


> Here's the real dilemma I think you're dealing with. Even if you find the magic bullet and your wife starts having more sex and letting you have more foreplay etc. she will be doing it solely for you, not because she is actually into it. That will likely leave you equally or more frustrated because unless she is capable of oscar worthy acting it will be obvious to you. I think what you are looking for is not just better more varied sex but a partner who is actively engaged and enthusiastic. It is doubtful your wife will become that again. It could be hormones or other factors that could be treated but she would need to really want to fix the problem for anything to help.


I think thats what MANY of us are looking for.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> I think thats what MANY of us are looking for.


Problem is Typically it seems to go like this. 

Husband: I need us to have more sex, I need twice a week at least not twice a month.
Wife: I need X-Y and Z to be in the mood for that.
Husband: OK I can do X Y and Z.
Wife ok lets have sex twice a week.

Cut to two weeks later

Husband: I appreciate you having sex twice a week but you don'e seem into it.
Wife: I'm just tired and stressed I'll try to be more into it.

Cut to two years later

Husband: You still don't seem into it.
Wife: I just don't enjoy sex much anymore, I can't make myself be into it. If you're going to just complain about me not being enthusiastic all the time we should just stop having sex.

Cut to five years later

Husband: I just realized we haven't had sex in 3 months. 
Wife: I know I've never been happier.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

happyhusband0005 said:


> Problem is Typically it seems to go like this.
> 
> Husband: I need us to have more sex, I need twice a week at least not twice a month.
> Wife: I need X-Y and Z to be in the mood for that.
> ...


Yep!


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

happyhusband0005 said:


> Problem is Typically it seems to go like this.
> 
> Husband: I need us to have more sex, I need twice a week at least not twice a month.
> Wife: I need X-Y and Z to be in the mood for that.
> ...


Letting things rest at twice a week is like hanging off the edge of a cliff by your fingertips. Letting things devolve to twice a month, is natures way of saying you should already be ****ing other people.



happyhusband0005 said:


> Cut to two weeks later
> 
> Husband: I appreciate you having sex twice a week but you don'e seem into it.
> Wife: I'm just tired and stressed I'll try to be more into it.


Really?

Conversations like that are hardly, passion generating. So when someone negotiate sexual desire as an accounting exercise, they one shouldn’t be surprised to find it play that way.



happyhusband0005 said:


> Cut to two years later


If someone is sticking around for two years of that kind of crap, they’re not victims they are volunteers.



happyhusband0005 said:


> Cut to five years later


Five years!

Uh huh...


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

happyhusband0005 said:


> Even if you find the magic bullet and your wife starts having more sex and letting you have more foreplay etc. she will be doing it solely for you, not because she is actually into it.


Basically, he's screwed... sadly a no win situation. Been there. Doesn't get any better.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Personal said:


> Letting things rest at twice a week is like hanging off the edge of a cliff by your fingertips. Letting things devolve to twice a month, is natures way of saying you should already be ****ing other people.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


And when all this happens, the non-interested spouse is surprised when the denied one starts watching porn and checking out other interested parties. Not saying its right but its what happens.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Personal said:


> Letting things rest at twice a week is like hanging off the edge of a cliff by your fingertips. Letting things devolve to twice a month, is natures way of saying you should already be ****ing other people.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You have accurately absorbed the point of my post. It's a problem that is unlikely to be fixed but a lot of men and women take little nuggets as signs of hope and hang around thinking things are improving only to realize years later they're never going to.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I think it’s entirely possible to fix depending on the exact issues. If there is no physical or psychological issue (trauma) and it’s literally just being lazy as an example that is potentially fixable.

Consider the thought experiment of separation. The formerly LD partner may now find himself/herself on the market again. When this person starts going out with people they may have NRE (new relationship energy) as they did at the start of their relationship with their recently separated HD partner. They will likely have sex at a higher frequency and during that time match their partner’s desire. As such the popular thought, “Not LD, but LD for you.”

This case I think can be fixed depending on the history. If the HD partner removes or greatly limits unattractive behavior and begins to behave more like they did during the NRE phase and the LD partner responds to this and begins to do some of the same, it’s fixed.


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