# I think my husband might be gay/bi



## Confused. (Jun 18, 2011)

Alright, so lately I've been really doubting my husband's sexuality. I know they say everything changes when you get married, but for us it literally did. He completely changed. Before we were married the sex was great, he was great, everything was good. But as soon as the ring went on his finger, he changed. He never wanted sex. And about two weeks after our wedding it was my birthday, and instead of showing any interest in me he was too busy texting his ex.... hmm. Anyway, after some time, the rejection of sex got suspicious. For instance, one time I tried wearing lingere to turn him on (something he picked out by the way) and he actually laughed at me, turned around to turn the light off, and went to sleep! Really? I found out after some time that he had a porn addiction. He'd rather jack off to porn than have the real thing. This really hurt my self esteem. But now-a-days he doesn't watch porn as much or at all. He says he has changed..or maybe he's better at hiding it.. But I haven't caught him. He says I'm beautiful and loves me. So why doesn't he want to have sex with me??? I always see him looking at other girls but he always denies it. One time I even caught him making a fake myspace profile to talk to his ex gf. We moved 500 miles away from his ex though, so I know it can't be her. So that leaves me with two assumptions: he's cheating with a girl where we live now, or he's gay. Looking back though I've noticed some things that he's done or said that could mean he's gay. Like the fact that he went from a more casual, tee and jeans fashion, to wearing Express clothes which are tight fitting and more metrosexual. I've also caught him doing the "hand flip" gesture when he talks. The no sex? that adds on to it also. I can't even count how many times I've tried to come onto him and he denies me. I'm not desperate, but I love sex... And one time I went to a passion party and the host said if you penetrate your man's ass while he's cumming the orgasm will be more intense. So every now and then I'd ask him if I could try it for his benefit, but he always denied it (sometimes I'd be joking about it too). But this time when he returned from his most recent deployment (he's in the military by the way) he asked me to do it, willingly.... ???? It's just strange that he could go from one extreme to the other. He also had the urge to dress more metro after this last deployment too (Express clothing) but this was like four months ago. Last night I had a dream that he was gay. In my dream he came back from deployment and was completely turned out. He had a boyfriend and was openly kissing him and grabbing his butt. But it felt so realistic. I saw the guys face and everything. At first I was ok with it, but when I saw the kissing I became enraged. It was so intense... I was heart broken. He said he turned gay because of me! I'm not sure if I'm just crazy and reading too much into it, or if I am right. But I've had this intuitive feeling for a long time. I'm not sure what to do or think. I need your help!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Regardless of whether your husband is gay or not, he's not meeting your intimacy needs. I'd focus on that. Only you can decide how strong of a stance you want to take... Do you tell him this needs to change or you're leaving? How long have you been married? How old are the two of you? How long was your sex life good before you got married? How technically savvy are you, so you can be confident he's not browsing porn (gay or straight)?

I've got a good friend who I think is reaching the end of her marriage rope for similar reasons as you. She's done everything she can imagine to flip her husband's switch back on and attempt to meet her needs again. But I think her current dry spell goes back to before Christmas, and it's killiing her. She's even given up on attempting to initiate, as she gets rejected anyway. My thoughts on her situation is most likely he's got someone on the side. Their lifestyle and patterns are such that he has lots of available free time that nobody is questioning... They're childless, he has his own business, and they both like their freedom and independence. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cara (Aug 15, 2010)

The "hand flip" & dressing in a more stylish manner are not indicators he might be gay. Maybe he just wants to look nicer?


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

I think you are barking up the wrong tree.

He talks to his ex-gf
He is addicted to porn
He set up a fake FB account to chat with his ex-gf

He is cheating on you. That is why he isn't having sex with you. My guess is that he has a massive commitment issue and as soon as he got married, he set to work making sure he keeps you at arms length so that you don't get that close.

You also say you had a great sex life before marriage. Gay guys are not super-passionate lovers if they are trying to pass as straight. They are tepid from the get-go.

He is wearing more stylish clothes to attract women, most likely.

Unless the porn he was looking at was gay porn, there is no reason to think he's gay. He's focusing his attention on porn and his ex-gf. That is the issue (huge ones) that you should be focusing on.

Finally, many straight guys love butt play, including my very straight husband.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Laurae1967 said:


> I think you are barking up the wrong tree.
> 
> He talks to his ex-gf
> He is addicted to porn
> ...


^^^ this

You need to look at things other than his sexuality because that isn't the issue.


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## Confused. (Jun 18, 2011)

Laurae1967 said:


> I think you are barking up the wrong tree.
> 
> He talks to his ex-gf
> He is addicted to porn
> ...



I think you're right. In the beginning when this all started and I would catch him in lies, I thought he was cheating on me with a woman. That still crosses my mind to this day. I guess thinking he might be gay is in a way easier to handle.. because I think that it's not me, it's him. But honestly I think it's another woman. Maybe more than one. I want to know but don't want to face it.. 

But whatever is going on he is definitely getting better at hiding it. I used to check his emails and the history on the computer and even his phone when he wouldn't look and I'd find something. But I'd also call him out on it. Now when I look, I don't find anything. He has lied to me from the very beginning of our relationship and I just don't trust him at all anymore. So when he tells me he has never cheated I just don't believe him. I have proof of him talking to his ex and watching porn, but I don't have any hard evidence. 

I don't know if my intuition is good enough or if I should hire a private investigator to ease my mind? I'm always suspicious and paranoid and it drives me crazy.



Another thing, 
we tried going out in town to a night club a couple times with friends and some reason we would split up every time. I'd go to the bar or the bathroom and come back and see him talking to another woman. This happened more than once. But when I asked him about it he said he was the "wing man" but his friends were no where in sight... The guy he was a wing man for was out dancing on the floor.. Should I be concerned? Am I in denial?


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Yes, you should be concerned. And I also understand why you would want to be in denial. It's tough to accept that someone you married would be dishonest and cheating. But that is what is happening.

You could install a keylogger on the computer and see what he's deleting. That would give you the proof you want.

But I already think you have enough proof that he's not ready to be married. He has some serious commitment issues. These are tough to fix and require a concerted effort in therapy. If he's not willing to admit he has a problem and get help, your marriage is doomed. He will continue to cheat, and maybe give you an STD. He will certainly give you heartache and worry and he'll erode your self esteem.

Sometimes it's better to quit while you are ahead....before kids, a big mortgage, and a longer investment make getting out much harder and more complicated.

Also, you should know that his cheating IS HIS PROBLEM, not yours. You didn't make him go out and cheat. He is doing that by himself. Don't take on the blame for that.


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