# A restraining order? Really?



## donewithit11 (Oct 18, 2017)

Hi all new here and need some advice. Long story short my wife 31 me 37 have been married for a year. First time married for both. So two weeks ago we got into a huge argument and she said she was done. Now we argue just like any other couple but always come back from it. No abuse on either end just some bad fights like her screaming and calling me names and me not taking it and doing the same. Other than that we couldn't live a moment without each other.

So two weeks ago after this fight she said I need to go to the other room that she needs space that she can't take the arguing anymore so I agreed and I go to the other room. Boy oh boy it didn't matter what I did she was just so angry and mean and starting fights for no reason at all and I ate into it and fought back. This went off and on for two weeks some days saying she wants to work it out some days all she wants me to do is leave and wants a divorce etc...She said she wanted a divorce about a week in and I agreed I told her I would sign with no problems I never begged pleaded nothing I have learned from past relationships this just pushes them away further. (she went and filed and I didn't know) and she was still hot and cold one day a divorce one day wants to make it work. She didn't mention MC and ignored me when I suggested it I got nothing from her just her back and forth of emotions of one day wanting to try and being nice to me to her being evil and wanting a divorce.

Fast forward to Oct 12th at this point I have left her alone and just did my thing. Well her friend came into town who is an ex cop and that woman is crazy I avoid her at all cost. Well they spent the day together I didn't see them at all that day until later that evening they come banging in the house running in my room where I was trying to sleep and start yelling get out mother phucker we are getting a temporary restraining order on you for being abusive. I just sat there half a sleep not knowing wtf these two women are even talking about. I couldn't take it anymore this whole 2 weeks I have been completely miserable I had to leave it was the only thing on my mind at the time. So I left and that was that I didn't contact her until 2 days later.

Fast forward two days later I contact her to ask if she minds if I stay at the house until the end of the month so I can wrap up some affairs and appointments. At this point I have agreed to it all the divorce everything I just couldn't afford to drive 2 hours back and forth everyday for things that I had to take care of at the moment. She agreed and was civil she said sure what time will you be here I said around noon. So I packed up a few things to last me till the end of the month and headed that way. I chit you not, not 20 minutes later the cops are at the house serving with with the temporary restraining order. My soon to be ex wife is being super evil and I'm not sure why, Sure if you're done with the relationship be done but do you need to be so cruel in the process?

I should of known better this woman has called the cops on me for so many reasons that aren't true it's not even funny. She called them once stating I stole her backpack and was going to slash her tires. I didn't believe it when she was on the phone with 911 saying this to them in my face, I just sat there stunned. The cops never came to talk to me about it when they came but it would of been interesting to have a conversation with them about a backpack I was holding hostage. I'm just at a loss I love my wife and I'm not a saint when it came to arguing I know I should of been the bigger person and just walked away half the time but why is she is so evil to me I will never know. After the TRO I want nothing to do with this woman. Thanks for listening I feel better already just writing all this out.


----------



## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

you need legal representation NOW re: the domestic violence threat. Also get a shark D attorney, you are going to need it. If you truly have a TRO on you, you need to act fast. Document every thing you interact with her, carry a VAR on your person and record whenever you interact with her.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Uh, gee...

Dagnabbit!

Another one got loose. They shoulda' locked the gate.

.............................................................................................................

Up the road from you...I would estimate about 6.8 klicks there is this place. And that is where they originate from.

.............................................................................................................

All humor aside, it seems that she has a personality disorder, since it is slow in forming and long lasting I will guess it to be Bi-Polar disorder.

.............................................................................................................

Humor returns:

The Earth has two poles, one North, one South. Those that live in [far North] [far South] countries are mostly free of BP.
Those that live near the Equator have rampant, viral cases of this disorder.

...........................................................................................................

Your error?

You fought back. That you cannot do. 
Had you just sat back and absorbed the blows you would still be together.

Of course, then you are a wimp. Either way, you lose.

Reading your initial post, I suspect that you TOO have anger management issues, maybe maturity concerns.
Correct these for your' next relationship.

Be happy she is divorcing you. Not well, this lady.

Oh, she and the ex cop girlfriend have been plotting/planning this for some time. Bet on it.
The ex-cop wants a pal, maybe a lover? Dunno, stretching the facts here.


----------



## donewithit11 (Oct 18, 2017)

I can't afford any legal representation at the moment I wish I could but I can't


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

You need to consult with an attorney immediately. There are potential legal long term ramifications of the restraining order. And you need to be sure you don't get into trouble somehow.

The TRO is a standard tactic many divorce attorneys use to beat down the husband. I bet in your case it was the ex-cop who convinced her to do it. You are being set up for all kinds of problems.

Your stbxw sounds a bit crazy. People don't make those kinds of calls to 911 unless either there is some truth to it or they have psychological problems. You need a lawyer to help you get through this unscathed. If your stbxw has a significant psych issue such as Borderline or true sociopathy, she is not going to suddenly become nice to you for the remainder of this process. It is going to be messy, and you need good legal counsel to help you out.


----------



## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

listen to @Thor Figure out how to pay, somehow. You are risking going to jail and/or getting hosed in the D. It should be simple with no kids and 1 year, but you could end up with years of alimony or other bs, just due to being in jail when the D goes down.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Call around until you find a lawyer who will give you a 30-minute consultation for $50. I got an hour-long one for $50. If I can find it, you can. Do everything the lawyer says. Do NOT stay in that house, obviously. Sleep in your car if you have to.

But yeah, you need to learn how to stop fighting back. That's on you. It takes two people to have an argument.


----------



## donewithit11 (Oct 18, 2017)

It's a civil matter not criminal I didn't think you could go to jail for a TPO unless you violated it? Which I don't plan on


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

If you can't afford an attorney, you need to keep a good record of every interaction you have with her. Use a Voice Activated Recorder (VAR) any time you are near her or anyone like her ex-cop friend. Archive the audio files to several safe places where she cannot discover or delete them. Same with text messages and emails, archive copies in several places. On your computer and on a free cloud based account would be a couple of ideas.

Secure all of your accounts now. Change passwords. Since she has filed for divorce, you have every right to wall off all of your financial and legal stuff. Move your bank account to a different bank than she uses. Get a new email address for all your important online stuff like banking and work. Get new credit card accounts with the new bank and cancel your old cards so that she cannot access them.

Have no contact with her other than email and text. If there is some need for in person contact with her or anyone on her side, record it. Check out the laws where you live, which may require you to notify them especially if it is a phone call. No matter what record every interaction. Always have a witness with you if there is any interaction with her or a friend.

The TRO will be specific. Be sure to abide by it. If she "accidentally" gets near you, leave immediately. Don't get sucked into any kind of interaction. It is probably an intentional trap. This is why you need a VAR. Sony makes very good ones for about $75. If you just cannot afford one, find a good app on your phone and know how to activate it super quickly in case she or someone else get near you.

Don't admit anything to the police. If they show up they are looking to get evidence to arrest you. So never ever admit to anything you've done in the past, even what you wrote about her yelling at you and you yelling back. That might be confirmation of you being abusive! The courts will twist everything in the worst possible way against you. Don't talk to the police and don't admit to anything!


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

She's nuts.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Tape record everything...I mean everything 

and tell her that you are tape recording all conversation!!!!!

be happy you are getting away from a nut job...also whose house it is? is your name on the lease or her's ?

Curious you didn't see any red flags in the past?


----------



## donewithit11 (Oct 18, 2017)

Thank you Thor I appreciate all the info. I just don't get it, it's like my wife has gotten possessed. It truly baffles me how 2 weeks ago before this fight everything was good, Maybe not great but (fixable). After she hung out with her bestie ex cop friend chit got worse. Plus to top it off the night I left she threw it in my face that she added her ex back to her facebook. They only dated 2 months but before my wife and I got married she left me to go back to the douche but came back to me 5 days later. Who so cruel I just don't understand.


----------



## donewithit11 (Oct 18, 2017)

Lostinthought61 it's my wifes house. I just want this all over with so I can move on with my life. I am still just so baffled about how she has gotten so cruel. I get to now sit here with all these legal matters, worries etc.. and she gets away scott free to go douche it around with the ex.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

If you can afford a lawyer, get one. 

Have future conversations in writing. Email is OK, anything that is recorded. Avoid in person on phone conversations. 

She may attempt to trick you into saying threatening things to her. Don't be fooled. Keep all interactions formal and non-emotional. Assume that they will all be read in court. 

Don't try to convince her to change her mind. Don't agree to anything without an attorney.

Is there significant joint property - houses or anything?


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

donewithit11 said:


> Lostinthought61 it's my wifes house. I just want this all over with so I can move on with my life. *I am still just so baffled about how she has gotten so cruel. *I get to now sit here with all these legal matters, worries etc.. and she gets away scott free to go douche it around with the ex.


The bestie.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

It sounds like she may have a significant personality disorder. The black/white thinking is a sign of it. The good news is if she has another man on the line she will let go of you easier. She has made you out to be some kind of horrible person right now, but if she has someone else to put her attention on then she will lose focus on you. Whatever the root cause, your marriage is over and your goal should be a complete break from her with as little fallout on you as possible.

It isn't worth putting effort into figuring out why she is doing all this. Her history of going back to her other boyfriend is enough to show you she is unstable in the relationship. She may be bat **** crazy, she may have a diagnosable personality disorder, she may just not be able to get over her bf, or you two may be hopelessly incompatible. It is impossible for her to be the kind of wife you need. That's all you really need to know.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Why did you marry such an awful woman?


----------



## donewithit11 (Oct 18, 2017)

Thanks everyone it's just hard I know what I need to do. @Diana7 It's the old classic heart took over head I loved her it is why I forgave her when she left me for the ex I figured we would get through it together, she sounded sincere in her apology and I accepted it moved on and things were fine after that concerning the ex. No infidelity on my end and none on her end that I know of. We really were that omg you guys make me sick type of couple (being lovey) are bond was strong we just fought a lot and she always took chit way to far.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

donewithit11 said:


> Thank you Thor I appreciate all the info. I just don't get it, it's like my wife has gotten possessed. It truly baffles me how 2 weeks ago before this fight everything was good, Maybe not great but (fixable). After she hung out with her bestie ex cop friend chit got worse. Plus to top it off the night I left she threw it in my face that she added her ex back to her facebook. T*hey only dated 2 months but before my wife and I got married she left me to go back to the douche but came back to me 5 days later. Who so cruel I just don't understand.[*/QUOTE]
> 
> The bolded part above is telling.
> 
> ...


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Wow, your wife sounds like a real "treat" to have around. I would head for the hills as fast as possible, with a good lawyer in tow!


----------

