# Husband's behavior is pushing me away.



## lderv (Dec 27, 2013)

Hello Ladies,

I am struggling with my husband. We have a 2 and 4 year old. My husband said yesterday that he hates kids- other people's kids. That in itself bothers me. In general my husband has been clear to me that he doesn't like other people, except for a few friends, our family and his mom. Today I got into a fight with my husband over a pool gate. He never wanted one in the first place. I bought the pool gate against his wishes cause I was fearful of our kids drowning. So today I told my husband that part of the gate was damaged. He said it didn't matter cause we wouldn't have it much longer. I told him we might want to keep it for years, if our kids have friends over that don't swim or if we have a kids party- for safety. He got mad at me because he thinks the pool fence is unsightly and he wants to get rid of it ASAP. He is completely out of touch with children- thinks that he can just not allow kids to come to our house if they can't swim. That is when my husband said to me today that he doesn't care about other people's kids, just his own.

Things seemed to be getting better for the last few months- less fighting, more giving and taking. But my husband has always been extremely stubborn and selfish (i guess that is the word). I told him that i don't like him saying he doesn't care about others- he said that I can't control him or tell him what to say.
This issue is pervasive in our relationship. My husband has told me he doesn't want my family or friends staying over at our home. I agreed to that since we have family problems on both sides. My husband doesn't like my friends- is hesitant in wanting to go to parties for my work/friends. He has had health problems recently, sleep apnea- is getting treatment but is always tired. 
In the last year my fatherin law- my husband's step dad- died of alzheimers. My mother in law sort of ran away from the situation. My husband didn't want to get involved and help my father in law (make sure he was safe when mother in law) left him alone.
I don't remember him being so uncaring before we got married. But he is generally sort of cold- he says he feels we've been fighting to much in the past it is hard to let his guard down.
He can tolerate being alone with our 2 kids for about 2 hours max. And when he does he is irritable afterwards (most of the time). Our youngest is difficulty- so I get that he is a challenge.
My husband is a good provider, he doesn't cheat, comes home when he says he will, will do many things I ask, and loves our kids.
But I can't stand his attitude towards others, because in general I care for others and don't find his attitude attractive.
My question-
is anyone married to someone like this. Is there any hope?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> That is when my husband said to me today that he doesn't care about other people's kids, just his own.


This part is actually quite common. A lot of people don't like other people's kids. I like the kids in my family, but otherwise, I usually don't care about anyone else's kids, generally speaking. It doesn't mean I wish them harm; it just means I'm happy to not be around them.

Look up liability and insurance for people who have pools. You need a fence with a lock on it, or else you are on the hook for having "an attractive nuisance." That means you are legally liable if some kid trespasses on your property and gets injured in your pool. You NEED a fence, legally speaking, and your H needs to understand that you are on the hook financially if anything goes wrong. You also need to make sure your home insurance policy covers pools, because one accident can wipe you out with medical bills that you'll have to pay if anyone is injured in your pool, with or without your permission to use it.


> He can tolerate being alone with our 2 kids for about 2 hours max. And when he does he is irritable afterwards (most of the time).


This is much more of a problem. Does this mean that you have the burden of child care almost all the time, and he doesn't see child care as his responsibility? Maybe he'll get better with them when they are older, but your kids are going to pick up on his irritation being around them. Did he actually *want *children, or was that just something that was expected so he went along? 

As for the rest, yikes. He sounds like a cold person. I don't know that he can change his nature. 

Is he cold with you? Is he willing to help you, or do you also fall into the category of "other" people that he doesn't care about, and he's not loving and affectionate with you either?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Could you give us a bit more info?

How old are you and your husband?

How man children do you have and how old are they?

Do you have a job outside of the home?

I take it that he has not always been this bad. Is that right? When did it start?

Your husband sounds depressed. Sleep apnea can cause depression. Has he been checked out for this?

If he is tired all the time, it sounds like his sleep apnea treatment is not working. When was the last time he had a sleep test using his own equipment?

On the topic of the gate for the swimming pool. When you talk with him, make it about protecting yourselves from law suits and child neglect charges. Even if a kid can swim, they can drown. Kids should only be near the pool with adult supervision. So the gate is necessary to enforce that.

He sounds controlling.. does he tell you not to have anything to do with your friends and family? Or does he just not want them staying over?

.


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## lderv (Dec 27, 2013)

NoraJane,
I will look into liability with pool and a fence. I will talk my husband about it as well. I recently saw on the news a story of a child who climbed into the neighbor's pool and drowned.
I get that children are challenging, so some people may not care for other people's kids, but is it normal not to care about others in general? when we were dating and talking about kids he said he wanted kids but wasn't excited about it. When I was pregnant with both he wasn't excited about it either. He says he doesn't like kids because his mom owned a daycare and he didn't like being around them at that time.
I don't think he can change his nature- He has made some small improvements though. He was actually much worse with the kids in the past. He took our older child on a ski trip for a week- by his choice. He has a hard time with the younger one because he isn't very verbal and doesn't listen well. He doesn't initiate anything with me but he responds to me when I am affectionate. he will say he loves me if I ask him to. He will do things for me when I ask. He didnt want to go on vacation with the kids- because of the work involved, but he was willing to do it for me- for 3 days in Sept. He has frequently done things for me- if I ask him- that he doesn't really feel like doing- including giving baths, brushing teeth, picking up dinner. He is very honest with me that he doesn't really enjoy childcare but he does care for the kids. He says to me that he isn't affectionate with me because we've had so many fights in the past- and now he is "on guard" . we have been getting along for about 3 months with fewer and less intense fights.
Elegirl- we are in our mid 30s. I work 3-4days a week; he works multiple jobs (self employed and for companies). He has been under a lot of stress with his business growing. 2 kids- 2 and 4 years old.
THe problems started when our 1st child was born, just a year after we were married. He feels the kids "take the energy out of him"
I think he is depressed. He's been using CPAP for almost 1 year- and he is less tired but generally tired all the time. He went to see the pulmonologist this month and had equipment checked out- they said it all looks good. he has an appointment this week for primary care MD. I told my husband I think he's depressed and needs to deal with it but he's resistant to admitting anything. I don't think he has had a sleep test using his own equipment- only the 1st sleep test to get the diagnosis of sleep apnea. Why wouldn't his pulmonologist suggest this at the last visit?
My husband can be controlling- at times, related to finances- but I usually can do what I want. I can visit friends, he doesn't want other people over at the house because he doesn't want his personal freedom interrupted.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lderv said:


> He's been using CPAP for almost 1 year- and he is less tired but generally tired all the time. He went to see the pulmonologist this month and had equipment checked out- they said it all looks good. he has an appointment this week for primary care MD.


He needs to see a sleep doctor about the sleep apnea, not a pulmonologist.

He needs a test with his own equiptment to make sure it's working for him. There is a good chance that either settings on his cpap are not right for him or he might even have the wrong cpap for his needs. That can only be determined if he has a sleep study where he uses his own cpap.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I work on home lines insurance and I'll assume your insurance company knows you have a pool. Next is whether they differentiate between fence and no fence. .... if they differentiate and they think you have a fence and you either don't or its broken please know they if someone's kid injured themself in your pool insurance will not cover you and the parents can sue the crap out of you. 

You'll lose that case and go into bankruptcy. It's not worth it to fight over a fence. If baby doesn't like the way it looks he can install a more sightly fence.

This is not a joke, I've seen claims denied over this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lderv (Dec 27, 2013)

ok I will make an appointment with a sleep doctor. thanks


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I would have a huge problem with the father of my children caring more about not liking the look of a pool gate than about the fact that without it his children could quite easily and without barely a ripple or splash, drown in that pool. They don't yell for help. You don't hear them splashing around. They fall in and they die, and you wouldn't even know until you went looking for them.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

It is illegal where I live to have a pool without an approved fence. Besides the legal implications how could any adult not care about the safety of children?


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Could you give us a bit more info?


I don't understand that question. She is a woman. She is married. Judging by the ages of the kids, probably for 6 or more years. That is the time a MASSIVE percentage of wives fall out of love with their drug addict/lazy/mean/uncaring/ungiving/needy/pushy...pick your poison...husbands. It is a time honored tradition going back millenia. 

So go ahead. Try to fix this one microcosm of the problem. She needs help. Give it to her. But if we spent a FRACTION of the time figuring out the MACRO problem, we wouldn't have to keep commenting on each and every little manifestation of walk-away-wives.

I'll make one observation and move on. It's a MACRO comment, even though it appears I am directing it at this individual poster:

Your husband has NO CLUE how far gone you are. Even though you've told him until you are "blue in the face" how bad it is, he has NO CLUE. Telling him again won't work. Your marriage is toast unless you can change him. And he see's no reason to change, so give him one. Scare the CRAP out of him. Don't just threaten him, make him BELIEVE IT!!!!.

Hopefully one day we will teach potential marriage partners what happens after the honeymoon wears off. Not just tell them "it's a lot of work" and give another group hug. 

It's a freakin' pandemic and I'm the only one that gets it.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Take him to a sleep center and have him tested. Apnea is a killer. A high school buddy of mine died four years ago of apnea. He just stopped breathing one night. His wife woke up next to him the next morning and he was dead as a door nail. 

As for not liking other people's kids --very common for men. I hear it all the time.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

lderv said:


> Hello Ladies,
> 
> I am struggling with my husband. We have a 2 and 4 year old. My husband said yesterday that he hates kids- other people's kids. That in itself bothers me. In general my husband has been clear to me that he doesn't like other people, except for a few friends, our family and his mom. Today I got into a fight with my husband over a pool gate. He never wanted one in the first place. I bought the pool gate against his wishes cause I was fearful of our kids drowning. So today I told my husband that part of the gate was damaged. He said it didn't matter cause we wouldn't have it much longer. I told him we might want to keep it for years, if our kids have friends over that don't swim or if we have a kids party- for safety. He got mad at me because he thinks the pool fence is unsightly and he wants to get rid of it ASAP. He is completely out of touch with children- thinks that he can just not allow kids to come to our house if they can't swim. That is when my husband said to me today that he doesn't care about other people's kids, just his own.
> 
> ...


You married this man, have 2 children with him & share a home & now want to change him into something else entirely?

Think about it. He sounds introverted & loves his quiet time. My Dad was like that & he had 6 children. He loved us kids, but did not want to spend his free time around other children. He also didn't want extended family over but guess what? My Mother was able to compromise and have her family over.

Stand up to him. Tell him to stop being pissy if he has to watch the children. Have your Sister, etc. spend the night if you want to.


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## youngmama (Dec 30, 2015)

You make me feel good, I thought maybe my husband was the only man like this out there :/ at least we are not alone... my husband hates everyone & doing anything with anyone unless it's going to the bar with his friends. My family is here, & he makes me sorry for it every minute he's around. I have no advice, only that I am in a similar boat :/

Sent from my SM-G925V using Tapatalk


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

I am a bit like this. I even moved to a 24 acre farm to be away from people. Don't want to even see them. When I get home I like to pee in my front yard facing the street knowing that no one can see me 

Anyway, my wife is a social butterfly and it was a point of contention in our marriage. My kids love to have people over, etc. etc. I just bit the bullitt and learned to deal with it. They try not to overdo it and I try to be pliable.

GET A FENCE! Even on my 24 acres which is completely fenced in, I have another fence around our pool. It's the law in my state.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

You sound like a person on the verge of becoming a walk away spouse. Your husband sounds as though he is. Now is the time to fight hard for the marriage. Did you ever hold him while arguing with him? It seems like a strange question, but it may remind him you are his wife, not an opponent. As to things being better lately, have they or are the two detaching?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

MachoMcCoy said:


> I don't understand that question. She is a woman. She is married. Judging by the ages of the kids, probably for 6 or more years. That is the time a MASSIVE percentage of wives fall out of love with their drug addict/lazy/mean/uncaring/ungiving/needy/pushy...pick your poison...husbands. It is a time honored tradition going back millenia.
> 
> So go ahead. Try to fix this one microcosm of the problem. She needs help. Give it to her. But if we spent a FRACTION of the time figuring out the MACRO problem, we wouldn't have to keep commenting on each and every little manifestation of walk-away-wives.
> 
> ...


Qft
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MichelleR (Jan 6, 2016)

He sounds kind of like my husband actually. He can be the most fun, devoted, generous person but when he's moody he's just horrible to be around. He's also very stubborn and has a hard time seeing the other person's point of view. Watching the kids wears him out too, and he also talks about how he thinks he might have sleep apnea. 

My marriage always improves when I focus on his positive traits. He really has a lot of them! He is wonderfully loving with the kids but finds it tiring and needs me to take over. He also finds social situations tiring. And if I want him to do something he doesn't want to do, forget it! Unless I present it in the most logical and nonemotuonsl way and he thinks about it and then eventually acts like it was his idea all along 

You can't change your husband. He will resent you for those efforts. You can tell him how his behavior hurts you at times though. Be completely honest but try not to drive your viewpoints into the ground . Once he's heard them he will consider them. 

Compliment him on the things you appreciate about him. He may become much more accommodating if he sees that you are loving him for who he is, and he may feel inclined to try harder to be more pleasant around you. 

I've had very similar issues with my husband where I wonder how I could have chosen such a man. But this always works and he ends up treating me wonderfully. Accept that he's not perfect. Oh and if you can, try to make sure he's getting enough sex. My husband becomes super crabby if he's been deprived of that.

And make sure he understands objectively why you need the fence. 

Hopefully this all helps you. Remember you can't change him. You can only change yourself.


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