# My gut tells me I'm losing of have lost my wife ...



## ILMW61 (Jan 3, 2013)

(this is long and wordy ... I'm sorry ... but I am just at the end of my rope and need to at least vent)

I can't shake this feeling that she is, at the very least, finished with wanting to be my wife. At worst she may already be having an affair.

My gut tells me something is wrong. My stomach is constantly in knots and no matter what I do I keep ending up with the same feeling.

In general she seems completely disinterested in me. Always time for her friends or work etc but never for me. I constantly ask if she'd like me to go with her to the store or whatever and usually I go with her. But then if I'm going somewhere and ask if she wants to go she isn't interested.

She texts all the time. In the car .. in the living room watching TV etc etc. When I ask her who she is texting she gets mad and tells me I'm being controlling or nosy. 

It has gotten to the point that I have even started keeping track of the mileage on her car. I'm ashamed of this point and it really makes me feel sick thinking that I've come to this. 

BUT on a few occasions she has come home from <-insertLocation-> and when I check the mileage just doesn't add up.

For example, one night she said she was going to our favorite nearby bar and grill. This place is exactly 3.2 miles from our house. But when she got home there were 11 miles on the car. I asked her how it went there and she said the usual, fun etc. I asked if she'd gone anyplace else and she said no.

This case in particular is one of the main reasons I can't shake this feeling. Why would she lie? 

Then there's sex. Things seemed good (even getting better after 17 years of marriage and her sex drive seemed to be up a lot more) ... until a few months ago (august-ish) and I started having some ED issues. We 'worked' with what we had but by October it was just 'not there'. So I scheduled an appointment and by the first part of December I was on Viagra.

The only thing is now I've got the Viagra and she never seems to be in the mood. Trying to say, "I'm taking my medicine tonight <wink>" really takes a TON of the romance/spontaneity out of it and then on nights when I think it is likely I'll work out optimum circumstances (light meal, no alcohol etc) but then .. NOTHING.

We sit in the living room and she is glued to flipping through facebook or pinetrest and/or sending a receiving texts.

Then we go to bed and if I'm lucky she's awake watching some TV but not a word. I'm to the point (at that point) that I get tired of trying to initiate intimacy only to have her push me away or say she's tired or whatever.

I've tried talking to her and telling her how I feel but she tells me it's all in my head. I tell her I feel like I'm losing her or that she doesn't seem to want me (in any way shape or form) any longer.

All in my head .. and don't forget the eye roll. That's comforting.

Then like the other day, she's talking about stress at work. I tell her to stop stressing. She's one of the best employees there and they have told her on plenty of occasions how great a job she does. Long story short ... she is so concerned with work that it seems like it is more important to her than I am. 

So anyway ... She was talking about stress and I told her that maybe I could help her with that <wink wink>. Eye roll. 

So I tell her we could definitely be having more sex and that would definitely help her with the stress. Change subject. I call her out on changing the subject and she rolls her eyes and leaves the room.

I don't know what to do at this point. I tell her how I feel and she blows me off and/or rolls her eyes and/or tells me it's all in my head.

We'll have a good night (fun .. laughing .. joking) and I'll start to think that it's all in my head or whatever and next thing I know we're back to not talking for a week or she's got to work 30-45min late on something and that she's going straight to the gym.

I'm sorry this is so long ... I just don't know what to do, say or how to act anymore. It's tearing me up inside and it seems like there is nothing I can do about it.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Many red flags. Start investigating. VAR in the car, keylogger on computer and phone. Look at phone records.

Ask a mod to move this to the CWI forum. Also in the CWI forum is an 'evidence gathering' thread you could read.

Also read the newbie link in my signature.

Gather your evidence and when you have incontrovertible proof, kick her out. Don't whine and plead, just end it. If there's any hope, that will wake her up and you can then start working on your marriage.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Might want to copy this to the Coping with Infidelity section to get advice from both men and women, BS and WS.

Whether your wife is having an affair or is heading to one - the signs aren't good. 

Whatever you do, don't beg for anything. Start working on yourself - work out, go out yourself, get back in touch with friends. 

In the meantime, keep tabs on what your gut is telling you. Hate to say this, but your gut is probably right.

Sorry for what you're going through - start actions NOW before it's too late.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Is she deleting all of her texts? Can you call your cell phone company and find out what phone numbers she calls..see if there are alot with one number. You need to start snooping. I had an EA and I was acting just like her. EA=emotional affair
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ILMW61 (Jan 3, 2013)

CantSitStill said:


> Is she deleting all of her texts? Can you call your cell phone company and find out what phone numbers she calls..see if there are alot with one number. You need to start snooping. I had an EA and I was acting just like her. EA=emotional affair
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't have access to the phone account. I've always had a cell phone through work so I've never needed to be on her cell account.

It is her account (with our two sons). Then when I try to talk about getting my own (the work phone sucks) and getting on the account she says they won't let her add a line.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

ILMW61 said:


> I don't have access to the phone account. I've always had a cell phone through work so I've never needed to be on her cell account.
> 
> It is her account (with our two sons). Then when I try to talk about getting my own (the work phone sucks) and getting on the account she says they won't let her add a line.


yes. they will. unless you have some weird carrier. my at&t account has 5 numbers attached to it.
i would watch her. keylog the computer at the very least. what kind of phone does she have?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

One var in the house and one in her car I think you'll get what you'll need to confront.


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## ILMW61 (Jan 3, 2013)

tom67 said:


> One var in the house and one in her car I think you'll get what you'll need to confront.


VAR??


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## ILMW61 (Jan 3, 2013)

naga75 said:


> yes. they will. unless you have some weird carrier. my at&t account has 5 numbers attached to it.
> i would watch her. keylog the computer at the very least. what kind of phone does she have?


The account is with Sprint ... she has a Galaxy S II phone.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

VAR= voice activated recorder

sprint allows five lines on a shared plan, ten lines on a single account. if im not mistaken.
i think perhaps you are being bamboozled. i have a sinking feeling that she just doesnt want you getting your hands on her account history. because if she is involved with someone else ther is LOTS of evidence there oh yes.
one way to find out, call sprint, give them your wifes number, tell them who you are, and simply ask them if your wife can add another line. im sure they would tell you.

i cannot help you retrieve deleted messages from an SII, sorry. i dont know how.


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## ILMW61 (Jan 3, 2013)

naga75 said:


> VAR= voice activated recorder
> 
> sprint allows five lines on a shared plan, ten lines on a single account. if im not mistaken.
> i think perhaps you are being bamboozled. i have a sinking feeling that she just doesnt want you getting your hands on her account history. because if she is involved with someone else ther is LOTS of evidence there oh yes.
> ...


I just spoke with a Sprint Customer Service rep (thankfully I know her social and was able to get at least MINIMAL info) ... he says that the account is only approved for 3 lines at this time and cannot have a fourth line added at this time.

Could it be a credit issue?


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

yes most likely thats exactly what it is.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

I suppose she is real protective of the phone also. Start investigating.


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## ILMW61 (Jan 3, 2013)

naga75 said:


> yes most likely thats exactly what it is.


We've scraped by the last few years ... bad credit has been one of the consequences of juggling bills :/

Oh well ... I guess that is the least of my concerns.



I am so at a loss with this whole situation. I don't know what to do or say anymore and it feels like the more I try the further from a 'fix' I get.

I thought about asking about the two of us seeing a marriage counselor but then I'm even scared of THAT ... what if she blows it off ... or says she can't because of work or just flat out WON'T?

This sucks.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

you should ask. you should INSIST, if you value your marriage.
if she resists or flat-out refuses or dismisses you, well i suppose that will give you an idea of where she stands on your marriage. a pretty good idea, i would imagine.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Does she work? Who pays for the cell phones? 

Why does a married woman go out to bars with out her husband? Are you her baby sitter? 

If you want to know you what's going on, be discrete and do the following.

Put a keylogger on any computer that she uses

Put a spy wear with gps on her cell phone

Put a VAR in her car and the house

Check her email, chat and FB histories

Get your carrier's phone logs for calls and text to numbers and verify who she is in contact with. 

When you find out who the OM is, find out his family situation, home address and employment.


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## ILMW61 (Jan 3, 2013)

anchorwatch said:


> Does she work? Who pays for the cell phones?
> 
> Why does a married woman go out to bars with out her husband? Are you her baby sitter?
> 
> ...


She works .. she makes very slightly more than I do .. 

All our money goes into one account and she handles the bills.

She goes with her girlfriend(s) whom she has known since grade school.

I don't want to be her babysitter .. I want to be her husband.

Is there a key logger for a tablet? She spends most of her facebook time on the tablet ... rarely uses her PC.

How do I put a spyware w/GPS on her phone?

I don't have access to the cell phone account because I am not on the account.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

First thing you should do is seperate your finances.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

What type of tablet?


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## ILMW61 (Jan 3, 2013)

anchorwatch said:


> What type of tablet?


ASUS Transformer Infinity TF700


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Separate finances asap she could wipe it out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Her phone and tablet are both Android os. I'll Pm you.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

The 11 miles is because she went there but also had to come back home so that one I would dismiss maybe..keep your eyes open and yes try all of those things advised to make sure you are meeting her emotional needs and see where it goes..I hope your gut feeling is wrong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Sorry dude but it all points to you bring played while she is going out to play.

Why exactly is she going to bars without you? What about the time, the texting, and the miles. All secret and separate from you.

Time for a voice actuated recorder, and to get the cell phone logs. You don't needs phone on the pan, just call and request them. Make up a story about you son texting too much.


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## ILMW61 (Jan 3, 2013)

CantSitStill said:


> The 11 miles is because she went there but also had to come back home so that one I would dismiss maybe..keep your eyes open and yes try all of those things advised to make sure you are meeting her emotional needs and see where it goes..I hope your gut feeling is wrong.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is 3.2miles to the bar and grill. She had 11 miles when she got back ... 3.2 (going) + 3.2 (returning) does not equal 11.


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## ILMW61 (Jan 3, 2013)

Trenton said:


> I don't know if she's having an affair. I could answer away most of your issues..... (snip for length)
> 
> Listen. I get that many people who come to the boards are at a point in their relationships where things are so f'd up that they just want simple answers, simple ways to fix things. There is no simple way.
> 
> ...


The only stress in my life right now is her and our marriage. I love her with all my heart and soul but it seems like nothing I do or say is ever the right thing. 

I don't try to fix everything with sex. I try to talk to her. If I ask about her work or how she is feeling she will talk to me for an hour about this that and the other .. and all the stress therein. I always make sure I'm willing to listen to her and make myself available to her emotional needs at any time.

If I talk to her about not feeling good about where we are in our marriage she blows me off and says it's all in my head. Or worse ... last night I asked her to come over next to me in the bed. The first words out of her mouth was "Just to cuddle".

Really? So I tell her that's kinda messed up. Not mad or with any attitude or anything. It's been over a week since we last had sex and so I ask her why we don't have sex more. She doesn't want to have this discussion again and it literally leads to a loud argument in the bedroom.

At one point (before it got loud) she said something to the effect that there was nothing wrong before with us not having sex. No kidding? You mean when I started having ED issues? 

I'm not looking for simple answers. I'm trying to get a grasp .. a direction .. via opinions here .. on where we are and what I might be able to do.

This sick feeling in my stomach is too much for me to bare any longer. I've been trying to deal with this stuff since August and am still at a loss.

Believe it or not all men are not jerkholes trying to find answers with or that only pertain to entertaining their penis.

I love my wife ... (ILMW) ... but something is different. Drastically. If we can't figure this out our marriage is not going to make it.

As to your other points :

There is only two stores between our house and the bar/grill ... both are on the same route. These are stores that she does and would go to for something to the effect you suggest. She didn't give anyone a ride .. none of her friends lives within 10 miles of our house. And the one she met there drove herself and lives 15 miles away.

She cums when we have sex. My general rule is that 'I dont get mine until she gets hers' when it comes to sex. And I can tell when she doesn't and when she tries to fake it. We've been down that road before. 

It has been a while since we had a good, passionate, deep look into each others eyes (sexual or otherwise) intimate moment. 

That's one of the things that bothers me.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Have you read these books yet?

Married Man Sex Life 

No More Mr. Nice Guy

If you haven't, you need to.

Browse Deejo's sticky thread at the top of this forum too.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

First of all, sorry that you are going through this. I would be dying inside if i experienced what you are going through.

Has she been going to the gym a long time? My experience on these boards also suggests that a renewed interest in personal appearance can be signs of infedeilty when you add it to everything else going on. 

If we are having problems... don't be cold to me. That's borderline disrespect, as a husband ... i think i'd deserve better than that. THe rolling of the eyes would tick me off too. The mileage thing is also bugging me, what you could do is simply leave out half an hour after her, and roll through the parking lot the bar and grill, and if you don't see her car there... there's your answer. If you don't want to do all that, give her a call an hour into her hanging out, u can tell right away by the background if she's there or not, if she doesn't pick up the phone... once again, you have your answer. Before i came out and asked her if she's having an affair, i'd gather my research first. You toss that out there, you better be able to prove it if she says no. Cause your marriage will seriously take an immediate dive.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

My suggestion is you sit down and talk with her go over what you've told us. Tell her you sense she's checked out of the marriage. Ask if she wants to seperate. I expect her response will give you a clear indication of where she's at.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Dollars to donuts she is cheating, no doubt.

Understand the nicer you are to her, the worse you make things. She is treating you like a sap because you allow it. If you don’t respect yourself neither will she. 

You can only keep your head in the sand for so long. Your story is no different than the hundreds on here and they all end up the same way.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

Rob774 said:


> First of all, sorry that you are going through this. I would be dying inside if i experienced what you are going through.
> 
> Has she been going to the gym a long time? My experience on these boards also suggests that a renewed interest in personal appearance can be signs of infedeilty when you add it to everything else going on.
> 
> If we are having problems... don't be cold to me. That's borderline disrespect, as a husband ... i think i'd deserve better than that. THe rolling of the eyes would tick me off too. The mileage thing is also bugging me, what you could do is simply leave out half an hour after her, and roll through the parking lot the bar and grill, and if you don't see her car there... there's your answer. If you don't want to do all that, give her a call an hour into her hanging out, u can tell right away by the background if she's there or not, if she doesn't pick up the phone... once again, you have your answer. Before i came out and asked her if she's having an affair, i'd gather my research first. You toss that out there, you better be able to prove it if she says no. Cause your marriage will seriously take an immediate dive.


This.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ILMW61 (Jan 3, 2013)

Just kind of an update ...

Last night we got into it again about the lack of sex. I simply, calmly, asked why we don't have more sex and she went straight into 'I don't want to talk about this right now'.

So that only bothered me more and when I pressed her it just escalated into a loud argument. (I'm sure the boys heard in their rooms unless they were REALLY sound asleep.)


What I DID get out of it, however, was that I said I want us to see a marriage counselor.

She agreed.

That's good right?


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Make damn good and sure that it is a MC that you BOTH agree on. She may want to find one that is really a womens' divorce coach in disguise.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

ILMW61 said:


> Just kind of an update ...
> 
> Last night we got into it again about the lack of sex. I simply, calmly, asked why we don't have more sex and she went straight into 'I don't want to talk about this right now'.
> 
> ...


yes i would say it is good.
do it.
set the appointment for as soon as possible and do not give her a chance to wiggle out of it.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I don't know man. It "sounds" good. But the conversation leading up to it where she very firmly refuses to discuss why is definitely BAD.

Women who want to fix things in a relationship talk about it. They avoid when they stop giving a sht.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

ILMW61

Find a good marriage counselor. And do not give your wife any choices. She needs to be there with you.

Also, be prepared for an onslaught from your wife.

If she is not afraid to raise her voice where your children hear, she will also abuse you in front of the counselor.

LIsten to her. And do not be afraid to call BS on any of her comments.

Also be prepared to hear items that she is not happy about from years ago.

In fact, keep a var in your pocket and record the session so you can play it back to yourself when you are alone.

Let us know how you make out.

HM64


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

ILMW61 said:


> We've scraped by the last few years ... bad credit has been one of the consequences of juggling bills :/
> 
> Oh well ... I guess that is the least of my concerns.
> 
> ...


Provided a person's not paranoid...the gut never lies. (Sadly, in many cases)

We communicate with each other on many levels. 

Her action's/behavior are communicating that she's pulling away...and you're reading that.

Now...for the flip-side...

What are your actions communitcating to her? 

You ask who she's texting? 

You check her mileage (and yes, even if she doesn't "know" that you do that...there's an energy behind your compulsion _to do that_....and don't doubt that she doesn't feel that energy) 

My guess is you're unhappy with being bottom of the totem-pole and you convey this unhappiness.

DISASTER.

Always a disaster

You know this. Your quote shows this: the MORE I TRY...the further I get from a "fix".

And here we come to one of THE MOST ANNOYING AND FRUSTRATING ironies of life (especially romantic life):

Your best chance to fix this is to be totally willing to let it end.

But, you can't fake it. That's the key. You have to really be willing to let it end.

And that determination comes from REFUSING to tolerate her disrespect....but you don't stomp your foot on the floor, and you don't cry or whine....what you do is become completely INDIFFERENT. 

You go text people. You go out. You create a life without her (no matter how much you don't want to)

That's the only way you can become "valuable" to her again...remember, we don't value things that come easily to us...(you need oxygen to live, but how often do you well up with gratitude at your good fortune to be surrounded by readily available air...probably never)...

Think of what human society throughout the ages has prized: gold, diamonds, caviar, Ferrari's...the list goes on...it's the things we can't have or the things that are hard to have or hard to keep


so you're 'coming too easily to her'...and that never "attracts" 

Stop it. 

If she really does value you, she'll freak out and you will suddenly become her focus.

If she truly is over you, as painful as that would be, it's better that you know now...and if you have a healthy self-respect, you'll know this. If you don't feel that way...you've got a "personal growth issue" to tackle


(Also, I'm leaving the cheating thing off the table here, I hope if she's been cheating on you...you'll consider that a deal-breaker---it should be)


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Read about the "180" and begin applying it's principles.
Of course, if you suspicion she is already cheating, it will actually tend to bring things out in the open. If there is something that she has grown to expect YOU to provide to the relationship, just try asking her if she could find the time to do it HERSELF since you will be occupied, elsewhere.
Then you can take some time to find a bar or other place that provides entertainment to visit while SHE is addressing HER chores.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

IndiaInk said:


> you need oxygen to live, but how often do you well up with gratitude at your good fortune to be surrounded by readily available air...



...when that suppy of air has been cut off.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

You need to start taking some control here. Why are you asking HER why you're not having sex? And then arguing about it? Why is she spending all this time out at bars? Stop winking and hinting at sex, and just do it.

This thread reeks of nice guy syndrome.


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## ILMW61 (Jan 3, 2013)

UPDATE

So my paranoid self went and picked up a VAR.

I've got nearly two weeks worth of recordings from her car (practically the only time she has privacy to carry on a conversation) that last 30min to work and about 45min on her way home ... in addition to 20-30min if she goes somewhere for lunch.

I recorded the first day and braced myself for what I was afraid was going to be heart shattering conversations....

NOTHING

Not the first iota of suspicious phone calls.

But on the chance that I just missed a conversation day I've continued for the last week+ .... NOTHING.

She talks to exactly who she says she talks to if I ask and she does exactly what she says she is doing.

And she isn't texting while she drives either. She is adamantly against that ... and besides ... why text when you can talk.

Anyway ... things seem to be looking better.

Maybe it was just me all along ... being paranoid for no reason and just making things worse with my suspicious questions and actions.


Just thought I'd share and update ... a glimmer of hope amidst all the doom and gloom and suspicion is something a lot of people do in fact need.

I hope others' situations turn out as good as mine seems to be.

Thanks


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Good to hear. How is the MC going?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

OK, awesome. You've validated that she's probably not cheating... and to do so you have to recognize that you've kind of invaded her privacy to do so.

What I would recommend at this point is shifting your focus to yourself -- specifically, who are you and what are you trying to bring to your marriage?

Are you spending time with your buddies? Are you doing husbandly things? Are you working out, dressing nice? Are you romancing your lady just because she's your lady? Are you telling and showing her what you want in the bedroom? Do you, in short, have your own stuff going on, have direction and passion for your life, being clear and decisive without being overbearing?

I'd recommend working on that for a few weeks and let us know how it goes. My own experience has been very positive.


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

IndiaInk said:


> Provided a person's not paranoid...the gut never lies. (Sadly, in many cases)
> 
> We communicate with each other on many levels.
> 
> ...


This may possibly be the best post I've ever read on here and I've been on this site for 2 yrs. 

This fella sounds just like I did 3 yrs ago. I let my ex walk all over me. I was a wreck. I ended up acting like a fool because I was trying to figure out how to "fix" it and I wasted a ton of time worrying about my marriage and it was over. I just didn't want to admit it. Wish I would have spent that time being with my daughter every moment and taking care of myself instead of giving a rats butt about someone who didn't care about me at all.


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