# Hes not interested



## lost18 (Mar 19, 2018)

My husband and I have only been married 6 months. While we were dating we had discussed that sex shouldn't be the center of the relationship. I was not aware this meant that we just wouldn't have sex. As this is not my first marriage I have never experienced a man that can have a full erection and your wife trying to initiate and you choose to watch tv and fall asleep. Do you know what that does to ones self-esteem? Is this normal, was I just married to a perve before? Is he just not attracted to me? Does he not enjoy it? I have tried to tell his how I feel when this happens as it is not the first time! He states that when I bring it up it just put pleasure on him as if he isn't doing good enough. I need some input!


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

lost18 said:


> My husband and I have only been married 6 months. While we were dating we had discussed that sex shouldn't be the center of the relationship. I was not aware this meant that we just wouldn't have sex. As this is not my first marriage I have never experienced a man that can have a full erection and your wife trying to initiate and you choose to watch tv and fall asleep. Do you know what that does to ones self-esteem? Is this normal, was I just married to a perve before? Is he just not attracted to me? Does he not enjoy it? I have tried to tell his how I feel when this happens as it is not the first time! He states that when I bring it up it just put pleasure on him as if he isn't doing good enough. I need some input!


This is not normal. This is not a healthy sex life. He is not interested. I'd get out now. This is advice I *wish* I'd gotten early on about several of my life relationships. A relationship does not have to be this unhappy.


----------



## lost18 (Mar 19, 2018)

I believe there is only one reason for divorce and that is adultery. To which I don't believe he would ever do as its obvious he isn't concerned about sex. I am afraid I may have married the wrong person .... I'm so lost and hurt and unsure how to fix it or what to do. I'm not being mean or disrespectful but I am a thin athletic female with reasonable looks, why wouldn't he want me?!


----------



## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

@lost18 I went the final 10 years in my 30-year marriage without sex. It was Hell. I too believed in marriage and wanted mine to work. 

I finally made the decision to leave but waited until the youngest was in college before I pulled the trigger. It was the best decision that I'd made in a very long time, which followed a very bad decision to try and make it work for years. Marriage without intimacy is not a marriage. I am so sorry for you, I really, truly am. I know that you don't want to hear it, but you either need to get out or stay and become miserable, depressed, and so much worse. By the time I filed I had become a different person, and it was awful. I am in a very happy place now.


----------



## lost18 (Mar 19, 2018)

We have only been married 6 months!!!!! I left a 14 year marriage after 11 counts of adultery. There has to be a reason its like this. There has to be a fix!


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

lost18 said:


> I believe there is only one reason for divorce and that is adultery. To which I don't believe he would ever do as its obvious he isn't concerned about sex. I am afraid I may have married the wrong person .... I'm so lost and hurt and unsure how to fix it or what to do. I'm not being mean or disrespectful but I am a thin athletic female with reasonable looks, why wouldn't he want me?!


As a Christian, I thought that for many years, but I no longer believe that is what the Bible actually teaches.

What were your marriage vows? Did they include, "To have and to hold?" If so, that means sex. It is your husband's duty to have sex with you. I don't think you should guilt your husband into sex, but this does have to be addressed. If your husband is watching television rather than giving you attention and affection, there is a terrible disconnect going on and he is not being a good husband to you.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

lost18 said:


> I believe there is only one reason for divorce and that is adultery. To which I don't believe he would ever do as its obvious he isn't concerned about sex. I am afraid I may have married the wrong person .... I'm so lost and hurt and unsure how to fix it or what to do. I'm not being mean or disrespectful but I am a thin athletic female with reasonable looks, why wouldn't he want me?!


So you won't divorce him. Okay. I don't think there is anything you can do to change his behavior. Perhaps start now to pursue a rich life in other areas, and just know you aren't going to have a fulfilling sex life.


----------



## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

We went to counseling three times, medical tests, etc. But the underlying reason for our dysfunction didn't become known to me until I filed. My XWW hid three different affairs during the first 20 years of our marriage and got an STD from OM3. You never know what's going on in someone else's head, believe me. There's a reason for his disinterest, I wished I had more advice as to how to get at it. But if it's this way after only 6 months and he doesn't see it as a problem, then you have a miserable path ahead of you.


----------



## lost18 (Mar 19, 2018)

I feel maybe he married me to have a permanent friend. Someone to share bills with, go do fun stuff. He doesn't even kiss me good, sometimes I wonder if its because he's afraid he might get aroused! How do you tell him how I feel without it becoming that im questioning his manhood?! I am a Christina woman who is struggling not to reach out for attention else where. Not sexual just to know I am attractive, desirable!


----------



## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

lost18 said:


> We have only been married 6 months!!!!! I left a 14 year marriage after 11 counts of adultery. There has to be a reason its like this. There has to be a fix!


This problem is not fixable! This problem is only manageable, which means you decide how you want to cope with this behavior. But you have to truly understand that this problem is very bad and only likely to get worse. You have to decide what your life will look like knowing that it will only get worse. 

But for your own sake, you should try to fix things. Try to encourage him to go to counseling with you. Talk with him. But most of that is so that you gain the satisfaction of knowing you tried. If you just give up now, you might have doubts. But if you try, and try, and try, and try some more, eventually you'll realize you tried everything and there's nothing left to try. So try, but be realistic and don't hold onto false hope forever. You only have one life to live.


----------



## lost18 (Mar 19, 2018)

How does one build self-esteem in a situation like this?! Self worth? Its not like the "honeymoon stage" has worn off after 3 years of marriage. This is fresh and new or should me! I believe everyone has the desire to feel wanted!


----------



## Um Excuse Me (Feb 3, 2018)

CynthiaDe said:


> As a Christian, I thought that for many years, but I no longer believe that is what the Bible actually teaches.
> 
> What were your marriage vows? Did they include, "To have and to hold?" If so, that means sex. It is your husband's duty to have sex with you. I don't think you should guilt your husband into sex, but this does have to be addressed. If your husband is watching television rather than giving you attention and affection, there is a terrible disconnect going on and he is not being a good husband to you.


Hmmmm, I don't think so. In fact, I'm not sure it's a husbands duty any more than it's a wife's duty. Marriage is not the military. Sex should be between two willing participants who want to give each other pleasure. Furthermore, we don't know the whole story about what's really going on. Perhaps OP is inadvertently doing something the husband doesn't like which she or he needs to address in a mutual conversation.

Please don't judge based on not having all of the facts. TAM is helpful advice, but it can only be as good as the facts presented. Nonetheless, best of success to the OP in her future sexual endeavors.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

lost18 said:


> How does one build self-esteem in a situation like this?! Self worth? Its not like the "honeymoon stage" has worn off after 3 years of marriage. This is fresh and new or should me! I believe everyone has the desire to feel wanted!


You must first refuse to let his behavior be the barometer of your self esteem. As has been said, this is not normal behavior for any man, let alone a newlywed. His treatment of you is no reflection of your attractiveness or desirability, and certainly no indication of what your self-worth should be. 

He seems to have a serious problem which may be:
1. He has some sort of mental disorder
2. He has some sort of physical incapacity
3. He is actually gay

Nowhere on that list is anything that you should take personally. Work with him (and professional help if necessary) to find the root cause and then act appropriately. 

Be advised that it may require separation if he is unwilling to either try to find a solution, or execute a reasonable solution once one is offered. 

Fortunately, you're not to deep into this thing yet. Better to find out exactly what's going on before kids, financial inseparability, etc.


----------



## lost18 (Mar 19, 2018)

When this was discussed once before he said it was because he didn't feel like a man cause at the time he didn't have a job, now he has a job. Another time the excuse was because we had kids living with us, they have bought their own house. He has no mental disorder , he may be a self conscious about his body , but I tell him all the time what I find attractive about it and the fact Im initiating sex should tell him something! He is far from Gay lol 
I have never been one to have self esteem issues, but being turned down and rejected so many times weighs on a person! When the person who states they love you and are in love with you and how sexy you are doesn't desire you that messes with a persons head!


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Did you two wait until after your marriage to have sex? If so, did he display sexual interest while you were dating? By that, I mean, did the waiting seem like a sacrifice for him or was it clearly no big deal? If he was sexual, or at least sexually charged, when you two were dating, then something has changed since your marriage. You might try MC if you two can't seem to communicate about what that change might be. If he wasn't ever sexual towards you, though, then it may just be that he's not a very sexual person. Or, his sexuality is actually geared in some manner that perhaps he's not even willing to admit to himself. 

Might there be some religiously-sanctioned way to annul the marriage? For instance, if the marriage hasn't been consummated, then in the eyes of most churches you aren't actually married. There may also be a case for annulment on other grounds, such as fraud. It might be arguable that he entered into the marriage never intending to actually have a sexual relationship with you. But you'd be best advised to seek counsel from a religious leader regarding options within your church.


----------



## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

Yep, it hurts.. I don't know what to say either accept it or find another. We don't have sex at all.. it's been more than 10 years. We don't kiss or hug. I really believe he married me to have kids and then have a 'mom' for the rest of his life. I could be security for him. I'm finding there are many people who are in this situation. Yes, I'm missing out but.....

Have you tried marriage counseling? Maybe that could help. We went and he was diagnosed with anxiety. He refuses to help himself. Not much I can do except make sure kids and I are taken care. I get out as much as I can with friends and family. : )

Ohh, have you tried asking him if you can have a boyfriend? ha ha ha It might wake him up a bit and start the conversation.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

This is a miserable situation, but more common than you might think. There are a lot of near-sexless relationships out there, and it is not uncommon for the man to be the one with a lack of interest. 

Desire is not that closely coupled to physical arousal. I've had my wife ask me to stop kissing her so passionately because it was getting her aroused and she didn't want sex. Your husband may be the same - he may be physically aroused but not want sex. 


First though, look for external issues. Is he on any medication - some, especially anti-depressants can completely kill a persons sex drive. Any stressful family or job issues?

That said, though, I have to ask, who brought up "...we had discussed that sex shouldn't be the center of the relationship"? If it was him, that may have been an unrecognized red flag that he didn't want sex. 


I fully understand how horrible it makes you feel - being rejected by the person you love really hurts. All you can do is recognize that it isn't you.


If you can't find a fix, and many of us have tried for *decades* and failed, then you need to be honest with yourself about whether you can be happy in a nearly sexless marriage.


BTW: until you resolve this DO NOT GET PREGNANT. There is a subset of horribly selfish men who don't want sex, but will attempt to use pregnancy to trap their wives in marriage. There was one poster here some time back who was basically raped by her husband to get her pregnant (from a private communication). I'm in no way accusing your husband of of acting like that - just that you should be careful.


Also - most men would be gloriously happy to be married to a passionate woman . 





lost18 said:


> My husband and I have only been married 6 months. While we were dating we had discussed that sex shouldn't be the center of the relationship. I was not aware this meant that we just wouldn't have sex. As this is not my first marriage I have never experienced a man that can have a full erection and your wife trying to initiate and you choose to watch tv and fall asleep. Do you know what that does to ones self-esteem? Is this normal, was I just married to a perve before? Is he just not attracted to me? Does he not enjoy it? I have tried to tell his how I feel when this happens as it is not the first time! He states that when I bring it up it just put pleasure on him as if he isn't doing good enough. I need some input!


----------



## Townes (Jan 31, 2018)

This is kind of generic advice but he should get his testosterone level checked. You can have really low testosterone and not have ED. I'm sure it'll be more complicated than that but it's a factor worth looking into.


----------



## purplepwr53 (Mar 20, 2018)

As someone in a 27 year marriage where there is a difference in libido between my wife and I, we have lasted so long due to being able to compromise. We've had several rough times and were close to divorce at one time. The main constant is we still had sex. It may not have been good sometimes but it kept us connected. If you do a little research online, the one constant in marriages is intimacy and sex. In your description of your marriage, you sound more like a roommate rather then a partner. I can tell you from experience, you cannot change your partner's libido. I have to disagree with earlier comments about counseling, you need to decide is this the life I am willing to live or do I want something else. Life is too short to be miserable everyday because of your religion or not wanting to admit you made a mistake. I would give him an ultimatum-if he cares he will change, if he doesn't well, you've only wasted a year or so of your life.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lost18 said:


> I feel maybe he married me to have a permanent friend. Someone to share bills with, go do fun stuff. He doesn't even kiss me good, sometimes I wonder if its because he's afraid he might get aroused! How do you tell him how I feel without it becoming that im questioning his manhood?! I am a Christina woman who is struggling not to reach out for attention else where. Not sexual just to know I am attractive, desirable!


Here is a thread that might help you some. Read at least the first few pages.

*
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/350970-sex-starved-wife.html*

.


----------



## [email protected] (Mar 20, 2018)

My husband and I were having pretty infrequent sex over a 5 year period of time. It started because of my menopause symptoms and lack of libido. I wasn't sure why it continued and I asked my husband several times if he wanted sex or if he thought it was worrisome that we werent having it very much. He always reassured me that "It's okay babe. Im fine. You get your rest. I love you. Don't worry about it."
It came out four months ago that he was having a 4 year long affair with my close friend. So, yes, it is concerning that your husband isn't interested in having sex, but it could be for a varitey of reasons, mine being the worse possible scenario (In my opinion, speaking from a very broken heart and devastated life) Ask questions my dear! I wish so badly that I had asked more


----------



## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

I'm no psychologist, but it's a disorder. When you're a man and you don't want to have sex with the person you're married to, it's a disorder. When your spouse has told you how hurt they are and you still cannot muster the effort to make your partner happy, it's a serious disorder.


----------



## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

lost18 said:


> I believe there is only one reason for divorce and that is adultery. To which I don't believe he would ever do as its obvious he isn't concerned about sex. I am afraid I may have married the wrong person .... I'm so lost and hurt and unsure how to fix it or what to do. I'm not being mean or disrespectful but I am a thin athletic female with reasonable looks, why wouldn't he want me?!




Do not assume he would not commit adultery just because he isn’t interested in sex with you. 

If anything that may indicate he is more likely to commit adultery especially given your statement he is capable of having sex.

In fact the very first explanation of his attitude towards you that springs to mind is he is having an affair. However, it does seem to be true that there is a huge percentage of marriages wherein the male spouse is the one not interested in sex, as the thread EleGirl linked shows.

Personally I suggest you get him into therapy. Take a hard stance on this.

Good luck.


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Tatsuhiko said:


> I'm no psychologist, but it's a disorder. When you're a man and you don't want to have sex with the person you're married to, it's a disorder. When your spouse has told you how hurt they are and you still cannot muster the effort to make your partner happy, it's a serious disorder.


Is this a gender linked disorder?


----------



## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

lost18 said:


> While we were dating we had discussed that sex shouldn't be the center of the relationship.


Am I right to think you were the one who brought up that subject?


----------



## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Tatsuhiko said:


> I'm no psychologist, but it's a disorder. When you're a man and you don't want to have sex with the person you're married to, it's a disorder. When your spouse has told you how hurt they are and you still cannot muster the effort to make your partner happy, it's a serious disorder.


That is some serious nonsense.


----------



## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Um Excuse Me said:


> Hmmmm, I don't think so. In fact, I'm not sure it's a husbands duty any more than it's a wife's duty. Marriage is not the military. Sex should be between two willing participants who want to give each other pleasure. Furthermore, we don't know the whole story about what's really going on. Perhaps OP is inadvertently doing something the husband doesn't like which she or he needs to address in a mutual conversation.
> 
> Please don't judge based on not having all of the facts. TAM is helpful advice, but it can only be as good as the facts presented. Nonetheless, best of success to the OP in her future sexual endeavors.


I totally agree. And I'm thinking she has given the poor guy performance anxiety.


----------

