# I'm Trying, Now He's Not (long)



## struggle (May 13, 2013)

We're a young couple in our 30s, and 3 years of marriage. Both in our second marriages. Like any couple, the beginning was passionate, our goals in life were the same, we were free spirits released from our chains of previous bad relationships, after 10 months of dating we got married and vowed this marriage was it for us. We had dreams of happiness, travel and freedom.

Fast forward to just a few months after we married and my husband found a passion, and wanted to make a business out of it. I supported him 150%. I worked while he stayed home and did his self-studies. When I came home from work I would help him with the business. We rented a room from his mom for a year to take advantage of the low rent to save and invest in the business. We have no kids, and actually don't want any, so why not do this? 

My passion is to travel and haven't had much of a chance to start (I vowed to travel after my first divorce), he also has a passion for travel but was really excited about doing his business. We wanted to move out into our own place again, and I gave him the option of a smaller apartment for cheaper rent so we could travel a little bit, or a bigger apartment so he could have his business space, but it would eat our extra income. He choose his business, and I said ok. I had hopes that the business might take off and give us the freedom of scheduling and affording travel in the end. A sacrifice for now. He worked part time for some income, did his business full time, and I worked full time plus the business full time. At this point our business is making next to nothing. We are ok with it, we know you have to start somewhere.

We've learned we are terrible business partners. We both are too opinionated, he's too picky and paranoid, and I cannot take criticism very well. I guess I'm just thin-skinned, and it needs to be told to me gently and constructively. I thrive on positive feedback and take criticism very hard. Too hard probably. Verbal affection means a lot to me, he's more into physical affection. He does not understand this about me...and he takes criticism very very well.

The situation took its toll after only a few months in our new apartment. I was tired and overworked, and he wasn't getting our business off the ground to be self-sustaining. He didn't treat the business like a job, he'd sleep in, get distracted on the internet, and wouldn't go out and network/market/etc. I was doing the marketing work, graphic design, sales, pricing, secretarial, accounting, sales and more. I would get so frustrated everytime I left work in the morning and he was still sleeping. I'd call at 10 a.m. and he's still sleeping or just waking up. I turned into the naggy wife every husband dreads. I was miserable and frustrated and I couldn't get through to him to work harder, maybe take some things off my plate. I was killing myself after work to get things done, and would go to bed sometimes at 2-3 a.m. to wake up the next morning for work. I tried every tactic from asking nicely, reasoning, negotiating, scheduling, yelling, nagging, going crazy, leaving him alone, and even trying to quit the business myself (which he wouldn't let me). In our arguments he even agreed with me that he could work harder, be on the internet less, etc....but he never made the change.

We never seemed to have a chance for intimacy until we hit the sack, and by then I was so tired and was thinking about work the next day that I turned him down if he tried to get intimate. Apparently, I turned him down a lot because it came up as a huge frustration later. And he took my rejection personally. I don't remember how often that happened, I just remember being tired and frustrated. No extra money to get away, unwind - no dinner when I got home from work or a clean house. At least while he was home playing on the internet he could've made some meals or cleaned up. I was paying the bills, doing the grocery shopping, a terrible job of cooking and cleaning (but trying!), and working like crazy.

It was a year of arguing, attitude, and a new type of hell for the both of us. After a year and a half, he started a new full-time job since our finances were so strained that it was just fuel to the fire. He became so frustrated about our sex life that he demanded we go see a sex therapist, so I made an appointment. He said in the session he was frustrated from having to watch porn and masturbate when he needed to, which was like, all the time. He also said he loves lots of affection and tenderness, which I don't give him enough of. I said I just don't feel in the mood at 1 a.m. and I have to work the next morning. I just ask for us to try to do it earlier. We scheduled a 'sex date' per our therapist. Just a way to start, since our schedules get so busy that we just don't have or make downtime. With time it will become a more natural occurance. He rescheduled that date, even when I came out of the shower naked and started flirting with him, because we had a lot of work to do. It never happened for the rest of the week. Consequently, at the end of the week he exploded randomly at 12 a.m. that Sunday about how he can't take it anymore that we don't have sex, and the sex date was a stupid idea. I was devestated, and thoroughly confused since he had yet to make a move on me, and all my tender kisses, caresses, and talk of the bedroom were pretty much blown off.

Another whole week went by of him 'gently' blowing me off - short of me coming out in lingerie and a newly installed stripper pole with 'pour some sugar on me' blasting - I didn't know how else to try to seduce him to bed. All his sidestepping is hurting my confidence, I, quite frankly, am not ready for the stripper pole routine yet. One hellish day a couple weeks ago I finally broke down and just cried all day, he finally confessed his feelings, that his head is telling him to leave but his heart wants him to stay. He hates when I have attitude, he wants to be with someone sweet. I feel like I really only have attitude when it comes to the business, I work my *ss off all the time, I want a thank you and you did a great job, not criticism for little things. Maybe he feels different, maybe he feels like I have attitude more than that. We have a problem seperating work from personal - especially since work is IN our home. The lines have disappeared. I know we have to quit the business to save the marriage. His passion has to be a hobby, not a business. Or he has to do the business by himself. It's sad...we had such big dreams. We're at a loss.

I'm really trying not to live in the past, I'm in the present, I'm not holding things from last year against him. I don't hold all the mean things he's ever said to me against him, and I hope he doesn't either. But I don't feel like he's doing the same. My passion for him has never waned, I don't hold anger in my heart, I let someone know something bothers me or makes me angry. I let it out right away and then we talk it about it, then I'm ok. I also have yet to perfect the art of ending an argument, that's something I know I need to work on. I think he holds it in, and brings it up weeks later when I didn't know it was a problem in the first place. I've told him he needs to talk to me when he's feeling angry.

I was working yesterday morning on some business things, he again came with a critisism on how I did something and I snapped back. It's like a hamster wheel. I don't know why I cannot control my knee-jerk reaction when that happens, it just makes me mad. He got mad back, said some things, and I walked away. I calmed down and came back and asked him please don't criticize me about things like that, let me do my job. He comes back with 'I can't ever tell you anything...'....hamster wheel. I ask him please don't bring mention mean, personal things in an argument about work stuff. 'Yeah..ok'....hamster wheel. I walk away to calm down again, come back, 'I'm sorry, please baby don't be mad, it's work stuff'. 'No, it's not just work stuff....' Quiet frustration. I'm tired of arguing. I come back with a different attitude, loving and tender, but I can tell he's mad and he's holding it inside. I'm extra affectionate, I tell him I love him, he says it back, calms down a little, but he's disconnected. I leave him alone, come back later and am affectionate, flirtatious, and hinting towards some bedroom fun. Nothing. My affection is mildly reciprocated. We had obligations that afternoon, I went, but he wanted to go to the gym. I said ok. I meet him back home and give him big tender kisses, he says, "later baby when we come back from eating I'm really starving". It was already late, but we met up with his sister and ate dinner. We came back home around 11 p.m. He went into the bathroom for his 'man-time for #2' (haha), I got ready for bed, laid down and started reading. I fell asleep reading. I woke up realizing I fell asleep and was alone. I went to the office and it was locked, I knocked, 'babe are you there?' He opens the door, 'yeah, I'm coming.' 'why did you lock the door?' 'I must've done it by accident'. 'Oh'....I go back to bed. I woke up this morning for work, and realized...he did not lock that door by accident. I checked browser history....porn. Really?!! After all day of me trying.... I went into the bedroom, wanting to be mad, but knew I couldn't unless I wanted to make things worse. I asked him if he locked the door because he was watching porn. "yes". Why? 'Because when I came out of the bathroom you were asleep and I didn't want to wake you.' ..... sigh. I was trying all day..... Then he proceeded to complain about the state of the refrigerator, there's so much produce going bad that he had to throw some broccoli and green onion away last night. There were tomatoes in there...and he didn't even know. I need to organize it, he hates wasting food. I'm exhausted and just say 'oh ok' and leave for work. Produce.....really?!

If anyone has any thoughts or suggestions about making our marriage and sex-life better that I have not thought of or tried, please let me know. I'm really at a loss at what's happening here. I feel like it's my fault, my attitude that he so hates, I'm by no means a super-woman housewife with cooking and cleaning, but I try. I'm working hard to be more affectionate and tender, but I'm by no means naturally a super-passionate latina that fawns over her man and doesn't let one second pass without a touch or caress. I wish. I have dreams of my future with him, and it seems unreachable with the way we are right now. I want to pursue my Master's...I don't want to be worrying about my marriage, I want to be successful and my husband and I be secure in our marriage and pursue our dreams.

For the record, I'm positive he's not cheating. At least not yet. My first husband was a cheater, and all the signs were there and I learned them in hindsight. My husband has yet to make me feel insecure about his loyalty in that aspect. But I know we're not heading down a good road. 

I found a gray hair this morning..I'm only 30. I'm depressed, unsure about my ability to be a good wife and if I'm even a good person. Just another woman who gave it all to her huband (again), instead of pursuing her dreams, allowing someone else to use her to pursue there's. I live out of state from my family and friends, and don't talk to them about my marriage issues because I don't want them to treat my husband differently because of our personal issues that we can hopefully fix. I miss my family greatly. I want to cry when I think about where our marriage is right now, and how much time, money and energy I've sacrificed these years to help my husband's dream come true, just to have that be the reason our marriage might be irretrievably broken. And all our dreams in the beginning unrealized.....


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Roles and expectations are the trickiest problems to solve during the early years of a marriage. Sex therapist should have sent you both home with very different instructions.

Define how your expectations on what a good husband does, ie financial support, home support, affection.. Conflicts with the reality of what your husband does.

Same for him only switch the roles.

I suspect what you will find is you both feel he is letting you down because his business isn't profitable,for whatever reason. You're doing some subtle and not so subtle blaming, again for whatever reason, while he is trying to deflect the blame. 

He is frustrated at trying the be a business manager of his wife. That simply doesn't work for a lot of couples. Maybe he's too critical, maybe you're too sensitive, which is which doesn't matter. The way you two communicate doesn't translate into a business arrangement.

He seeks emotional connection via sex. As his business became more and more precarious, he needed to feel your continued support and love through sex. When you refused, for whatever reason, he felt that as not only a personal rejection but also as a blame for not being successful in his business.

Now his feeling rejected and hurt has crippled his ability to trust you. Now any time you do the slightest thing that challenges him, he feels it as rejection, a deep personal rejection.

You worked your butt off and felt he wasn't doing enough. You built up some resentment. 

He felt like a failure and needed your support. You rebuffed him.

This can be fixed. This is actually pretty simple to fix! 

Start recognizing and verbalizing every single thing he does that is positive or pleasing. Every single thing! Clamp those lips shut when the urge to point out an adequacy hits you. Go out of your way to simply give him affection, non sexual affection. When he criticizes, take it and be silent. You have to show him you are willing to put a lot of effort into changing the way you two interact so you both can get what you want. In time you two can work on ways for him to deal with issues in ways the create better communication and not shut you down. But for right now, you need to NOT shut him down.

After doing this for at least a full week, sit down and talk with him about finding ways to pull you out of his business. You need to step back there. It is a power struggle over which neither of you can win. You can support his business in other ways than being directly involved. Your help, though probably excellent, undermined him in ways neither of you could foresee or understand while in the midst of it all.

Get rid of the sex therapist, you don't need a a sex therapist. This is why he has sabotaged your homework. What you both need is a marriage counselor who can help you wade through the communication and expectation problems and get back to supporting and loving each other.


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

Thank you. I will try your advice. Every piece of it. I'm willing to do almost anything to get my marriage back.
It's not that I didn't enjoy sex with him, it was just the perfect storm, and I'm very sad it has come to this point.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You are exactly right, it was the perfect storm! So don't beat yourself up. Keep in mind, once a spouse enters shut down mode, it takes a while to bring them out. You have to focus on making your home together a safe place to express yourselves. Since he is in shut down, you must do the work to get him back up and functioning again. After that happens, that's the time to both of you work on communicating your needs and hearing the other's needs.

You'll get there!


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> You are exactly right, it was the perfect storm! So don't beat yourself up. Keep in mind, once a spouse enters shut down mode, it takes a while to bring them out. You have to focus on making your home together a safe place to express yourselves. Since he is in shut down, you must do the work to get him back up and functioning again. After that happens, that's the time to both of you work on communicating your needs and hearing the other's needs.
> 
> You'll get there!


I would also add that you are the one hear, not your husband. If he were here, there would be a lot of advice on getting him to open up and address some things. But he isn't. So if the dynamic is going to change, you need to be the one to take the leap.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Tall Average Guy said:


> I would also add that you are the one hear, not your husband. If he were here, there would be a lot of advice on getting him to open up and address some things. But he isn't. So if the dynamic is going to change, you need to be the one to take the leap.


Damn TAG, we're tag teaming the advice here seamlessly! Cool!


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