# Ex wife



## Loyalty1 (May 21, 2013)

Hi there, I really need some advice. I recently got married to a man who has an ex wife and child. We have been together for 5 years. He was already separated when I met him. My problem is that I feel he shows more loyalty to her and I am always in the wrong when we fight about her. 1st example. Our baby girl was born last year...the evening she was born my husband called his mate and let him know about the birth of our daughter. His mate then posted a congratulations on Facebook. His ex wife RANG an hour after her birth to have a go at him for having the birth put on Facebook prior to calling and telling his daughter who was 7 before anyone else.I was horrified that she would intrude into such a personal moment....he subsequently apologised to his ex wife and said she was right...I thought that she was totally out of line and intrusive in such a personal moment. Am I wrong..

Then our recent wedding I had his daughter as my flower girl. I asked that his ex wife (now divorced 8 years and she has a new partner) pick her daughter up after the formalities as she would be the only child and would be tired after a big day..He felt awkward about asking her and she kicked up a stink the night before and arranged for her to stay at the wedding go home with a guest and they did not tell me. I only found out when his daughter told me. I was devasted that he did not show me any respect - I basically told him to arrange for his wife to pick her up or forget the wedding. I feel this woman determines what goes on and has too much say in all our special moments.
And life in general. He told me that I was totally out of line...WAS I out of line???? That is only 2 examples but he always stands up for her...am I fighting a loosing battle...


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Are you married to my ex? LOL sorry,it's funny now that I'm not involved in that mess anymore.

Being serious now,he needs to locate his backbone and place it back into his body.Catering to the ex wife will only cause grief. he'd rather placate her and worry about fighting with you later because this is the easiest way for him to have a peaceful coparenting. 
I hate to say this but the boundaries you're lacking need to be structured and built NOW before it's too late.
When you marry a man who doesn't have a healthy co-parenting set up with his ex you are in essence marrying his ex too...

My exes ex had total control over our lives.She was the gatekeeper of our schedule.It was awful and only got worse bc he never stood up to her.He'd vent to me and express a feeling of helplessness which only made me resent his lack of action.

Would it be possible to arrange a counseling session with someone who specializes in co parent/blended family situations?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Your H needs to grow a pair. ASAP.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Would it be wrong to assume he was like this the entire time you dated him (for 5 years)? or did he just start acting like this recently?

It sounds like she still has a hold on him or he hasn't broken his ties with her or has poor boundaries. You said you met when they were separated, not divorced, so maybe they never had a healthy separation period, etc. 

Bottom line is that it bothers you so either he acknowledges that and changes his behavior or he doesn't. if he doesn't, then you decide what/how you are going to put up with it/tolerate it.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

On the first issue, I can see her point. She's worried that someone would mention it to her daughter that she has a new sibling - news that should come to her from her dad first to reaffirm she's still part of his family.

On the second issue, that's something you need to talk with him about. It's not the change in plans, it's the lack of communication. 

I would bet that it's not the actual issues that create the fights but the way you're both communicating. Is it possible to seek out a third party to help you two learn to talk without each of you getting upset?


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Actually... Having a child from my first marriage I can easily put myself in your husband's shoes. 

On the first issue I think that he should have contacted his child first. She is direct family and now has a new sibling. As a father, that would be... Well, actually will be my first call when my new wife is blessed enough to give birth to our first. Then it's her parents and my mother, facebook, txts, skywriter, etc. You get the idea.

The second issue. The wedding day. There's details lacking to make the best guess. Who's parenting time was it? Was it your husband's day with his daughter or was he receiving bonus time? If it was his parenting time then it's up to him to arrange a sitter, etc. Not his ex. If she was... 'on loan' for the big day (Congrats by the way) then that's great. but you still can't expect to have control of a 3rd party coming to gather their child. Particularly when they are doing you the favor of letting her be there.

Does this give you any different perspective? Even if it's not a direct fit...?


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I can see her point in both instances, quite honestly. Maybe there are tons of examples and these are the two you opted for.

Of course he should call his daughter to tell her she has a little sister on the way or already born, depending on the time of day. Family should hear first, followed by friends, even if they are best friends.

And the wedding - asking an ex (who is NOT invited) to come to the wedding location to pick up their daughter because you thought she'd be tired and cranky... she's yours, too, now. I think they made appropriate arrangements as you didn't want a cranky child there, right? So they did that. Problem solved. 

I agree it's the communication but you need to choose your battles more wisely.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I think your h was right on both issues. Why do you feel the need to control these things? She is the mother of his kids and that isn't going to change. 
He should have told his own child first yes. 
I don't get why you care who took the daughter home? What possible difference did it make? Did you think an ex might be incredibly uncomfortable at a wedding to a new spouse? 
I don't care how much time has gone by or what the circumstances were, I would not want to be anywhere near my ex's wedding. 
You seem to be a little controlling. Sorry.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Maybe I read it wrong,I probably did. LOL I got from it that she was upset he didn't inform her of what was going on for the wedding thing after exwife decided not to pick the child up.

As far as the exwife having a say in who he tells about the new baby first I don't agree with that at all. she shouldn't have a say in that at all. Doesn't matter what he should have done,it isn't her place anymore to ride his butt about it thus marring a beautiful moment for him.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

But why does it matter to her how she gets home? I'm confused.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

I'll speak from the standpoint of a man who was in EXACTLY the same position as your H.

It's probably one of the hardest juggling acts someone can do (balancing two families). Especially with a meddling ex. 

The issues aren't cut and dry/right and wrong. The Ex-w wasn't wrong for her opinion when your child was born, but was wrong WHEN she expressed it. Your H was wrong for calling a buddy and not his daughter. Frankly, the ex-w's reaction tells me she's not as much of an enemy as it might feel. She's looking out for her daughter but is promoting her daughter having a relationship with your child....I know that sounds weird to think about but that's a HUGE positive.

My ex-w was meddling in a very negative and attempted controlling way. She'd try to prevent any interaction between my kids with her and my family of any kind. So you're actually VERY lucky.

Your Husband should've handled it better. Your wedding should've included his daughter from start to finish and not have her shipped off. This was an opportunity to have your step daughter feel 100% included into your family. Remember you married your Husband but ALSO married a daughter. If something happened to his ex, you'd be raising her as your own from that day forward....treat her that way now.

Your husband needs to sack up. He's afraid of his ex a bit because she's obviously the domineering one in that relationship and he's afraid of disappointing you. I went through something SIMILAR. I'd fight my exwife but there were still issues with my wife. My wife felt like she was on the back burner sometimes to my ex, but it wasn't to my ex, it was situations that required compromise from all parties. The easy thing would've been to either walk away or fight but both were damaging to my kids so I found the way to not hurt the kids and make the adults compromise.....She understands that now, but it wasn't easy while it was happening. But I never did the weak things your husband is doing..that's what needs to change.

Talk with your husband and explain that you understand that you will need to compromise because you married into a "just add water" family. BUT you NEED him to think of you AND his family first (calling his mate is a perfect example of not). If he had called his daughter first, there'd be NO issues.

This whole issue is about HOW he handles things.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

You are the one out of line and if you don't start to handle things better you will be putting your marriage at risk.

Totally agree that the child should have been informed about her new sibling before posting to FB. Common sense really. 

As for the wedding, it was not the mums job to run around and do pick up jobs for your wedding, it was your husbands job to do this. 

Chill out.


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## Loyalty1 (May 21, 2013)

Holland said:


> You are the one out of line and if you don't start to handle things better you will be putting your marriage at risk.
> 
> Totally agree that the child should have been informed about her new sibling before posting to FB. Common sense really.
> 
> ...


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## Loyalty1 (May 21, 2013)

Holland said:


> You are the one out of line and if you don't start to handle things better you will be putting your marriage at risk.
> 
> Totally agree that the child should have been informed about her new sibling before posting to FB. Common sense really.
> 
> ...


MY husband was not the one who put it on Facebook. His mate did. The child is 7 so has no access to Facebook. As far as the wedding goes....it works both ways... She requested that we come and pick her daughter up from her sisters wedding so,she did not have to bother looking after her child. Thank you for your opinion.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Loyalty1 said:


> MY husband was not the one who put it on Facebook. His mate did. The child is 7 so has no access to Facebook. As far as the wedding goes....it works both ways...* She requested that we come and pick her daughter up from her sisters wedding so,she did not have to bother looking after her child. *Thank you for your opinion.


She actually said this? Doubt it but good luck, you're gonna need it.

Reply is still the same, chill out or risk ruining your marriage. Tit for tat is not a good mind set neither is getting worked up over non issues.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

I really do think this is mostly an issue in communication.

He should have included calling his daughter as a high priority in the birth of his new child to reinforce her position as part of HIS family. This is hard for children of divorce.

He should have done a better job communicating with you the plans for this child on the day of your wedding so you felt included and not blindsided by what was happening.


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## Camelia (May 2, 2013)

Wow! I can understand that you are feeling upset, but I do believe that you are looking at things from the wrong perspective. As a father, your husband should include his daughter in all things that affect her. You should appreciate him more as a man because he does this. And you should make sure you open your heart to his daughter because she is a part of him. He made a mistake not calling his daughter first about the birth of her sibling, and that child's mother had a right to call him out on it. 
As for the wedding, same thing. Your are now her step-mother. She should be included. If they have been divorced for eight years, then she must be at least that old. Unless she was the only child at the wedding reception, there was no reason for her to have to leave too early. And having his ex pick her up was a cruel request by you. Just because they have been divorced a while does not mean that there would not be some tugging at her heart. 
Please stop and think before you get yourself worked up. You love your husband, he loves you. You've created a child together, enjoy your life. Respect his fathering of his first child, encourage and foster it.


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## Loyalty1 (May 21, 2013)

Loyalty1 said:


> MY husband was not the one who put it on Facebook. His mate did. The child is 7 so has no access to Facebook. As far as the wedding goes....it works both ways... She requested that we come and pick her daughter up from her sisters wedding so,she did not have to bother looking after her child. Thank you for your opinion.


Sorry "bother" was not the exact word... She wanted to drink and not have her daughter there after the formalities and her sisters ex husband was coming to pick up their 4 children and there were no children.. That "quote" is what she said. My husband works weekends. I am the caregiver to his daughter when he is at work. I picked her up and took her home. You obviously are an ex wife..... I look after his daughter I supply clothing for her I treat her exactly like my other two children. I dont understand why coming to pick up an 8 year old from a wedding which she had been up for at 6am is so terrible. Why cant people work together and get on. She supposedly is happy with her relationship and has a live in partner. Why be so nasty.


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## Loyalty1 (May 21, 2013)

TCSRedhead said:


> I really do think this is mostly an issue in communication.
> 
> He should have included calling his daughter as a high priority in the birth of his new child to reinforce her position as part of HIS family. This is hard for children of divorce.
> 
> He should have done a better job communicating with you the plans for this child on the day of your wedding so you felt included and not blindsided by what was happening.


You are totally correct. Miscommunication. I am never included in making plans with his daughter. I am the caregiver when she is with us as he works weekends. She has her own room, does not have to bring a thing with her. I supply clothing everything. His wife does not send one thing with her. We make her a priority in everything its not about his daughter, she would have been asleep when our daughter was born. His ex-wife I believe is bitter and resentful for him moving on and being happy. Although she has another partner and is supposedly happy. We dont have his daughter regularly as his ex wife determines when she comes eg if she has plans or parties etc. Which does not reinforce I believe that she is a part of our family as everything else comes first....Thanks for your opinion.


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## Loyalty1 (May 21, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Are you married to my ex? LOL sorry,it's funny now that I'm not involved in that mess anymore.
> 
> Being serious now,he needs to locate his backbone and place it back into his body.Catering to the ex wife will only cause grief. he'd rather placate her and worry about fighting with you later because this is the easiest way for him to have a peaceful coparenting.
> I hate to say this but the boundaries you're lacking need to be structured and built NOW before it's too late.
> ...


Thanks I am organising that today!!! Thanks for your opinion.


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## Loyalty1 (May 21, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Would it be wrong to assume he was like this the entire time you dated him (for 5 years)? or did he just start acting like this recently?
> 
> It sounds like she still has a hold on him or he hasn't broken his ties with her or has poor boundaries. You said you met when they were separated, not divorced, so maybe they never had a healthy separation period, etc.
> 
> Bottom line is that it bothers you so either he acknowledges that and changes his behavior or he doesn't. if he doesn't, then you decide what/how you are going to put up with it/tolerate it.


Not totally. It became worse when I was pregnant with our daughter. He had an affair which is what broke up the marriage. Not with me. He was 3 years down the track. I got on quite well with her until the pregnancy. She told him that he should "not forget" his first daughter when I found out. Pretty immature. He is totally non confrontational. he has always just wanted to keep the peace, but now its to the detriment of our relationship.


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## Loyalty1 (May 21, 2013)

TCSRedhead said:


> On the first issue, I can see her point. She's worried that someone would mention it to her daughter that she has a new sibling - news that should come to her from her dad first to reaffirm she's still part of his family.
> 
> On the second issue, that's something you need to talk with him about. It's not the change in plans, it's the lack of communication.
> 
> I would bet that it's not the actual issues that create the fights but the way you're both communicating. Is it possible to seek out a third party to help you two learn to talk without each of you getting upset?


I totally agree. He should have told her. his daughter is 8. She does not have facebook. it was the ex wife that found out via facebook and only she could have told her daughter. It was 8pm. My husband did not put it on facebook rather a mate to let their other mates know. he had all intentions of letting his daughter know. I have a son and he wasnt the first one I called when our daughter was born. I feel that his ex wife always wants to take the limelight from our special occasions due to her bitterness which I cannot understand as she has a partner and seems to be happy. Totally miscommunication i agree but how do I make him understand. I dont get consulted when he arranges with her to have his daughter. I am the caregiver as he works weeknds. We dont have her fortnightly but when his ex wife says its convenient...eg if she is going out or his daughter has nothing better on.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Loyalty1 said:


> I dont get consulted when he arranges with her to have his daughter. I am the caregiver as he works weeknds.


This is the crux of the issue. You need to talk to him and explain that in order to build this new blended family, he needs to let you in.

He doesn't have two families - he has one. You are his partner.

It's a new muscle, it will take time to build it up and make it strong.


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## Loyalty1 (May 21, 2013)

Malpheous said:


> Actually... Having a child from my first marriage I can easily put myself in your husband's shoes.
> 
> On the first issue I think that he should have contacted his child first. She is direct family and now has a new sibling. As a father, that would be... Well, actually will be my first call when my new wife is blessed enough to give birth to our first. Then it's her parents and my mother, facebook, txts, skywriter, etc. You get the idea.
> 
> ...


I understand you point of view re the birth of our daughter. I have a 17 year old son. It was 8pm. she would have been asleep. He did not post the announcement on facebook his friend did to advise his other mates. My issue was that she was intrusive. It was a very private moment. She is entitled to an opinion, but her time to voice that was totally out of line. In regard to the wedding.....we DONT have parenting time. She lives with her mother. We have her when its convenient to the mother. eg if she wants to go out. If the daughter has no party etc if you get my drift. My concern was for the daughter who was going to be up at 6 and have a huge day. She was exhausted and I cant understand why people cant work in together.


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## Loyalty1 (May 21, 2013)

diwali123 said:


> I think your h was right on both issues. Why do you feel the need to control these things? She is the mother of his kids and that isn't going to change.
> He should have told his own child first yes.
> I don't get why you care who took the daughter home? What possible difference did it make? Did you think an ex might be incredibly uncomfortable at a wedding to a new spouse?
> I don't care how much time has gone by or what the circumstances were, I would not want to be anywhere near my ex's wedding.
> You seem to be a little controlling. Sorry.


Ok so I dont get a say in what happens with my wedding day is that what you are saying. As far as I was aware his ex was picking his daughter up. I did not ask her to come to the wedding. Arrangements had been made for her to meet with a third party to pick her up. She did not have to come to the wedding. I think I have a right to know what is happening. It is not her place to make alternate arrangements and not inform me. I was looking after the wellbeing of THEIR daughter. Not her interests. She was exhausted. It was fine for me to pick up her daughter from her sisters wedding as there were not going to be any of her sisters children at the wedding.....as her ex had picked them up because they were tired....

As far as the birth of our daughter is concerened. His daughter would have been in bed. His ex was the one with facebook not her. The only way she would have found out was through her. He had intention of calling her and had no idea that his mate had announced it on facebook nor did I. For her to ring and rip in was an invasion of privacy I feel... . I think she wants to control the situations that are not hers to control. Why should I let his ex wife determine what goes not and what decisions are made in our life. thanks for your opinion


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## Loyalty1 (May 21, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I can see her point in both instances, quite honestly. Maybe there are tons of examples and these are the two you opted for.
> 
> Of course he should call his daughter to tell her she has a little sister on the way or already born, depending on the time of day. Family should hear first, followed by friends, even if they are best friends.
> 
> ...


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## Loyalty1 (May 21, 2013)

U misunderstood. I would have been happy to have alternate arrangements for her to go home. She did not do that she arranged for a guest to take her home at the end of the night.... I dont see why parents cant work together for the better of the child. I certainly would have not problem if it were reversed. Isnt it what is best for the child. Our 12 month old went home so she would not be cranky and tired whats the issue....she has moved on has a partner and seems to be happy why be difficult. Weve done those sort of favours for her before...


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## Loyalty1 (May 21, 2013)

diwali123 said:


> But why does it matter to her how she gets home? I'm confused.


The point was she arranged for a guest at the end of the night...as far as I was aware arrangements had been made and sorted. It was not till the night before I found out. Dont I have a right to determine what happens on one of the most special days of my life. Not an ex wife????


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I am an ex wife and my daughter's dad has a long term girlfriend. 
Honestly I don't understand why you are upset. If it was me I would be happy that it was one less thing I had to worry about that day.
Your big day has to do with your love and commitment, cutting the cake, enjoying your guests, dancing. Not controlling every little thing that happens. 
Are you the one who posted previously about how his ex was always ignoring you?


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> On the first issue, I can see her point. She's worried that someone would mention it to her daughter that she has a new sibling - news that should come to her from her dad first to reaffirm she's still part of his family.
> 
> On the second issue, that's something you need to talk with him about. It's not the change in plans, it's the lack of communication.
> 
> I would bet that it's not the actual issues that create the fights but the way you're both communicating. Is it possible to seek out a third party to help you two learn to talk without each of you getting upset?


Those were my thoughts exactly. 

I think in the first example, my wife would have done the same thing. Why? She is looking out for her daughter first and holding me (him) accountable as the father. I think my first call would have been to my daughters if they weren't already there.

Definitely a lack of communication in the second example. If communicated properly, it could have been worked out without the situation getting elevated.


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## Loyalty1 (May 21, 2013)

diwali123 said:


> I am an ex wife and my daughter's dad has a long term girlfriend.
> Honestly I don't understand why you are upset. If it was me I would be happy that it was one less thing I had to worry about that day.
> Your big day has to do with your love and commitment, cutting the cake, enjoying your guests, dancing. Not controlling every little thing that happens.
> Are you the one who posted previously about how his ex was always ignoring you?


Thats the point. It wasnt. His daughter from 7pm came to me and whinged and whined that she was tired...I want to go home. That is why I wanted her to be picked up so I didnt have to worry about her welfare thats the whole point. One day was all I asked...She is my step daughter I love her.....but I think im allowed to have one day when I dont have to worry about kids mine or not....I dont see why it was such a deal for her to help out.


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## Loyalty1 (May 21, 2013)

Camelia said:


> Wow! I can understand that you are feeling upset, but I do believe that you are looking at things from the wrong perspective. As a father, your husband should include his daughter in all things that affect her. You should appreciate him more as a man because he does this. And you should make sure you open your heart to his daughter because she is a part of him. He made a mistake not calling his daughter first about the birth of her sibling, and that child's mother had a right to call him out on it.
> As for the wedding, same thing. Your are now her step-mother. She should be included. If they have been divorced for eight years, then she must be at least that old. Unless she was the only child at the wedding reception, there was no reason for her to have to leave too early. And having his ex pick her up was a cruel request by you. Just because they have been divorced a while does not mean that there would not be some tugging at her heart.
> Please stop and think before you get yourself worked up. You love your husband, he loves you. You've created a child together, enjoy your life. Respect his fathering of his first child, encourage and foster it.


Thanks for your opinion. I do respect that my husband includes his daughter and in fact I encourage that. I feel that his ex wife could have picked a better time to voice her opinion. Not at such a special and private moment - she put a dampener on the whole event. the fact of the matter was that it was late. She was 7 it was a week night and she would have been in bed. He did not put the announcement on facebook his mate did. So really he had no control over that. As far as the wedding goes. She has a partner whom she lives with. In fact was one of my husbands friends. I dont understand why if you are in a happier relationship now why harbour bitterness etc she was horrible to me when I was pregnant too. 

re Its her daughter too isnt her best interests what is important.. I have a son and if my ex remarried I wouldnt hesitate to go and pick him up after all its about the child.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Loyalty1 said:


> Thats the point. It wasnt. His daughter from 7pm came to me and whinged and whined that she was tired...I want to go home. That is why I wanted her to be picked up so I didnt have to worry about her welfare thats the whole point. One day was all I asked...She is my step daughter I love her.....but I think im allowed to have one day when I dont have to worry about kids mine or not....I dont see why it was such a deal for her to help out.


It isn't a deal for her to help out. While there could have been better communication, I think your husband needs to grow a pair when dealing with his ex. Sounds like a beta to me.

I'd like to think that if I divorced and remarried, my "ex" would be a little more helpful. I'm pretty sure she would. The horror stories I hear about ex's though .... especially when the spouse remarries or there are children involved. Yikes!


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Loyalty1 said:


> Sorry "bother" was not the exact word... She wanted to drink and not have her daughter there after the formalities and her sisters ex husband was coming to pick up their 4 children and there were no children.. That "quote" is what she said. My husband works weekends. I am the caregiver to his daughter when he is at work. I picked her up and took her home. You obviously are an ex wife..... I look after his daughter I supply clothing for her I treat her exactly like my other two children. I dont understand why coming to pick up an 8 year old from a wedding which she had been up for at 6am is so terrible. Why cant people work together and get on. She supposedly is happy with her relationship and has a live in partner. Why be so nasty.


Am guessing this was to me. Yes I am an ex wife, a mother, a future step mother as I have repartnered. My partners ex has mental health issues so I understand a lot in regard to the difficulties faced. Without doubt ex and i have managed to have a very successful post divorce life with co
parenting and we have remained friends and amicable. My partner and I have managed blending our families well but it is of course a continual process, we did it with the help of counsellors.

Not trying to give you grief but really you are going down the wrong path with this and if not modified you will cause 
yourself trouble.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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