# To my surprise.....



## Again71

he said he hasn't been happy in 3 years. I am stunned! He got into a argument with my adult daughter for her treatment towards him and said I did nothing to stop her. So to make a LONG story short, after 10 years together, he told me to move, he hasn't been happy in 3 years and he wants time to himself. He was very mean and wouldn't stop to even let me figure out what was going on since I just walked in the door from school. He told me not to text, call and to leave him alone.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

We didn't fight, we got along great, we enjoy doing the same things and sex was good and now you haven't been happy in 3 years. Why didn't he tell me this? I am going along like everything was ok. He is 15 years older than me.

I am devastated- can't eat, sleep, work or function. How do people get through this? I have talked to my physician who is treating me for severe depression. This is ridiculous! He even took back my ring.

I found an apartment and started packing. A few days before I was to move, he asked me to not pack anymore and that was a week ago. I have since gave up my apartment.

You would think I would be happy. I can finally stop crying, however, I feel like I shouldn't unpack. I am afraid, untrusting, confused and I am cautious. I talked to him as much as he will talk about it and asked him if he can be happy with me, he said he is "trying" In the past week, he has cut me roses, cooked me dinner and has hung out with me. When I have tried to talk, he asks if we are going to talk every day about this? I don't feel like he is sincere. I feel something is "off" What is this "time" he said he wanted and how is he going to get it if I am there?

Now I am second guessing my decision to stay after I have cancelled the apartment and utilities. I haven't gotten back my ring and honestly, I don't think I will.

The most crushing part for me was thinking and feeling everything was fine and we were a happy couple to haven't been happy in 3 years, I want time.

Has anyone out there been in this situation and did it work? Am I letting my cautiousness get the best of me? Should I get over this?


(I posted in another forum by accident)


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## anx

Your are letting the hurt, resentment, and anger get the best of you. It would be a huge mistake to not work on it back 100%. 

The only way you get to your situation is a husband who is seriously not comfortable with communication. His needs weren't getting meet and instead of talking to you he bottled it up and got more and more frustrated and hurt. It's a very common issue. 

The man loves you and didn't know how to deal with it then and you are having a hard time dealing now. It doesn't sound like anything was malicious or mean. Just dumb choices and poor empathy and communication. 

Yes, it absolutely can get better. You need to find a way to talk that he is comfortable with. He wants to just not talk about it, which was the problem in the first place. Get a mc book and start there. Mc sessions might be a good idea, but it's very hard for people like your husband who wants to avoid and not talk. See were books get you first. 

Blessings


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## Again71

Things haven't gotten any better.

There are awkward silences, coldness, no affection. I asked him two days ago why he hasn't shown me ANY affection, he said he didn't know. Again, I asked him and got the same response. So I figured I would rephrase the question and asked, "So you don't know why you haven't been affectionate to me?" He said it was because he was hurt. He is referring to the fight with my daughter. 

It just doesn't make sense to me. HE asked me to stay, he says HE needs time, HE doesn't know WHY he's not showing me any affection.

I try to talk to him but he does not communicate well and he will NOT go to MC or IC. Last night I tried to talk about us and he got mad, yelled, refused to talk and went to bed. I of course laid on the other side of the bed and cried. I said I was sorry and that I love him, he said, "you know I love you".

All I do is cry. I ASSUMED since he wanted me to stop packing and stay, that things were going to be ok. I am afraid to unpack anymore of my belongings.

I am not any better off with my emotions than I was the day he told me to leave the house we have shared for the past 10 years. (His house). I am unhappy, cry and have thought of what and why running through my head every day. Trouble sleeping, functioning and working.

He is still cooking dinner and has it ready for me when I get home from work. He doesn't talk about us at all, but other things like people, tv, fishing, etc. 

In three weeks, we have had sex twice, very quickly, no romance, (and that was on his end) That is not common for us at all. I told him this morning that I want to have sex with him and he asked me if I could wait until the weekend. I said sure and that I wanted to ravish him, and maybe do some other things, he didn't respond. I know something will come up and we won't be intimate. 

I try not to tell him too much that I love him because he made the comment that I already told him. If he says it back, it's more of a mumble.

What's wrong with me? I am not unattractive, but can he not be attracted to me anymore? 

I have acknowledged my lack of discipline with my daughter that I apologize for the hurt I could have handled differently.

He says he needs TIME and he is TRYING. It's not going to happen over night. What is that? Is he telling me he is done and he is trying to have feelings for me? How should I be handling this? ANYBODY????

I want someone to think of me as their all, cherish me. I am lucky just to get a mumbled HELLO. This is not the reconciliation story I hoped for!


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## anx

Get in IC yourself. You are having as very hard time with the emotions, thoughts, rejection, hurt, etc. 

Another huge issue that I'm reading is you don't get all all what he is doing and why he is acting the way he is. You aren't able to empathize and react to that. That is largely due to the fact that he doesn't talk about those things. He is hurting very much. Pushing, fighting, yelling is only adding to that. I have a similar dynamic in my own story, which is in my profile. It has taken us years of mc to learn how to communicate and for me to get how my wife works. 

These emotions are eating you up. They are causing you to destroy chances at working this out. 

The trying thing is something that took me a long time to understand. Him trying right now is largely trying to act like a husband despite the pain and hurt. To you it looks like avoiding. To him, he is overwhelmed and not leaving. 

You story absolutely can work out, but it may not be quick and the path may not be strait. It might take a huge fight, or months of waiting without fighting, or you NOT TALKING ABOUT IT and let him bring it up. 

In the mean time, you need to get your emotions under control. The best advise I can give is get along and don't bring it up. When he is ready, he will come to you and talk. Before then, only garbage will come out of a discussion. For me, I want to talk right away. If i don't bring something up, my wife will bring it up 2 or 3 days latter. The talk goes 100 times better when she brings it up. She has thought about what she wants to say and feels comfortable instead of attacked. 

You know how you think the relationship should be repaired. Talk about it. Your husband isn't comfortable with that. He is already overwhelmed and you keep trying to fix it your way and on your time frame. Let him bring it up. Tell him you want to talk about it when he is ready. Get along and be nice until then. The talk you have then will be better than anything you start. That might mean waiting 4 days or a week. Remind him if it's been 3 days and ask if he might be ready to talk about it soon. 

Blessings.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602

He may be cheating. He is showing some of the cardinal signs of a person involved in an affair. If he seemed happy and then suddenly changed and is rewriting the history of the relationship, abrupt changes in mood vacillating about staying or going. 

Dont keep pursuing him that will only push him away and it shows a lack of self respect. He is treating you the way you allow him to treat you very badly. You have no boundaries. There is nothing wrong with you but something is wrong with him. 

Dont talk about the relationship. Tell him he needs to teat you with respect. If not he does not, don't interact with him. You are not there to be his whipping boy. Get yourself together, and start looking for evidence. Don't ask him. 

Back off and don't say you love him. Prepare yourself for changes. Don't have sex with him that is on his terms. if it is not satisfactory for you don't do it. You prevent yourself from being used if he is just getting off for himself. It also lets him know that you are not a doormat and you will not be treated like one. 

This is not about your daughter this is much bigger. 
Do a little digging

This article may help. 
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5059_qa.html


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## tacoma

He`s already told you why he`s hurt, mad, and withdrawn.

You simply don`t seem to hear it



> Originally Posted by Again71
> I am stunned! He got into a argument with my adult daughter for her treatment towards him and said I did nothing to stop her.


What`s this relationship with your daughter and him like?

Does she live in your house?

How often do they argue?


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