# Why DID I Get Married?



## STM (Jan 7, 2013)

I knew that marriage was going to be a challenge but who knew that it was going to be this hard? I have been married for 10 years and I love my husband. Here is the problem…Around the two year mark he cheated. I forgave him but that is still somewhere in my subconscious mind. I was very naive in the beginning and if someone would ask me if he would have heated on me I would have said “No because he loves me too much” Well, we got past that but like I said you never forget these things. He is a wonderful provider. He is going to have a job and he is going to make sure his family has what we need. Thank you for that. But I also need for my husband to be an active family member. When he is at home he sits in the bedroom and watched television all day. The kids never bother him because they know they’ll get attitude. So as soon as I get home from work I get bombarded. Here is the dynamic…he goes to work at 6 am and gets off at 2:30 pm. I go to work at 8 am and get off at 4:30 pm. When I get home at 5he is laying across the bed (still in his dirty work clothes) watching tv. When I say what are we eating he says IDK. Why don’t you know? You know you have kids, you know you are going to be hungry so why don’t you know??? He has also recently started not caring much about his hygiene. He does not brush his teeth everyday nor does he shower everyday. He laid across the bed after kicking off his work clothes the other day and I said OMG is that your feet smelling like that? He said probably so and kept on watching TV. He went to bed that night with no shower. Went to work the next day and came home and laid across the bed. I said Um you need to get yourself in the shower and he did and once he got out he said that feels so much better. I though yeah you probably washed 10 pounds of dirt off. Then, the toilet…I have asked him time and time again to flush the toilet twice when he takes a dump. The apartment that we live in has a very weak flushing toilet so sometimes you have to flush twice to make sure everything goes down. I DON”T WANT TO SEE OR SMELL THAT. On top of that he sometimes leaves stains on the seat. Just nasty. I like cuddling but how can I ever want to cuddle with him??? He is so nasty and I try to tell it to him in subtle ways but he does not get it. He will watch me clean up all day around him and never lift one finger to help. I am considering divorce because I am tired of being treated like a maid. He drools on his pillows so they stink really bad. He scratches skin off his feet and his side of the bed feels like a sandy beach. And when I do ask him to do anything he gets an attitude but if anyone outside of the house asks him to do something he is more than eager to help. I think this is because he knows that by helping someone else that he is going to get a thank you or a pat on the back. I’m sorry Mr, you don’t get a pat on the back for doing what you are supposed to do anyway as a husband and a father.. I don’t get a pat on the back for cooking and cleaning and doing laundry and going to work. And if a home is dirty that is a reflection of the mother. I’m just tired of his nastiness. Please help!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Obvious first question is: Have you sat him down and talked to him about all of this? 


If you have sat him down and talked to him about it all, the next step is to write him a letter telling him exactly what the problems are, what your needs are (e.g. To have a physically clean husband.) and how he can meet those needs (e.g. He needs to take a shower every day as soon as he gets home from werk.).


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

STM said:


> Around the two year mark he cheated.


I feel like I sound like a broken record when it comes to these long posts. I try to read them but my eyes just get glued on ONE sentence that just sums it all up for me and it's hard to keep reading after that.

A man that cheats after only TWO YEARS is a total ass. Your mistake was not realizing this sooner. How many more nasty behaviors do you need to see before you realize you picked a dud?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> I feel like I sound like a broken record when it comes to these long posts. I try to read them but my eyes just get glued on ONE sentence that just sums it all up for me and it's hard to keep reading after that.


Yea... it's the wall of text with no paragraps. I tend to select a few lines and read the nighlight text. Then select the next few lines. It's hard to read.


STM...please use paragraphs when you write a post. Most people cannot focus their eyes on a large block of solid text.


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## STM (Jan 7, 2013)

My apologies...This is my first time.
EleGirl - I have talked to my husband about his hygiene in a jokingly kind of way as not to hurt his feelings. But as far as cleaning, I have talked to him, written him letters. I am just at my wits end...


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

*STM said*:

Here is the problem…

1] "..Around the two year mark he cheated..."

2]".... When he is at home he sits in the bedroom and watched television all day..."

3]"... When I get home at 5 he is laying across the bed (still in his dirty work clothes) watching tv..."

4]"... He does not brush his teeth everyday nor does he shower everyday...."

5]"...He laid across the bed after kicking off his work clothes the other day and I said OMG is that your feet smelling like that?"

6]"...He went to bed that night with no shower. Went to work the next day [ without showering ]and came home and laid across the bed...."

7]"....Then, the toilet…I have asked him time and time again to flush the toilet twice when he takes a dump..."

8]"...On top of that he sometimes leaves stains on the seat. Just nasty..."

9]"..He will watch me clean up all day around him and never lift one finger to help..."

10]"...And when I do ask him to do anything he gets an attitude but if anyone outside of the house asks him to do something he is more than eager to help. ..."

_However_,
*"...I’m just tired of his nastiness* [ so ]* I am considering divorce because I am tired of being treated like a maid...."*

^^^^^
There, I fixed it for you!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

STM said:


> My apologies...This is my first time.
> EleGirl - I have talked to my husband about his hygiene in a jokingly kind of way as not to hurt his feelings. But as far as cleaning, I have talked to him, written him letters. I am just at my wits end...


Hinting and joking around does not work. It's akin to having him guess what you want... he's not a mind reader. To be fair to him you have to tell him very directly what you object to and what you need.

And you will have to be willing to end the marriage to impress on him that you are serious.

There is no excuse for poor physical hygine. His poor hygine could be a sign of depression. That is something that can be addressed as well.

You both support the family financially. He is as responsible for the home and the children as you are.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

STM said:


> My apologies...This is my first time.
> EleGirl - I have talked to my husband about his hygiene in a jokingly kind of way as not to hurt his feelings. But as far as cleaning, I have talked to him, written him letters. I am just at my wits end...


You'd rather divorce him than to risk hurting his feelings?

Girl it's time to be full on BLUNT. No more jokes, no more hints just right between the eyes. Call it an intervention.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

STM said:


> I knew that marriage was going to be a challenge but who knew that it was going to be this hard? I have been married for 10 years and I love my husband. Here is the problem…Around the two year mark he cheated. I forgave him but that is still somewhere in my subconscious mind. I was very naive in the beginning and if someone would ask me if he would have heated on me I would have said “No because he loves me too much” Well, we got past that but like I said you never forget these things. He is a wonderful provider. He is going to have a job and he is going to make sure his family has what we need. Thank you for that. But I also need for my husband to be an active family member. When he is at home he sits in the bedroom and watched television all day. The kids never bother him because they know they’ll get attitude. So as soon as I get home from work I get bombarded. Here is the dynamic…he goes to work at 6 am and gets off at 2:30 pm. I go to work at 8 am and get off at 4:30 pm. When I get home at 5he is laying across the bed (still in his dirty work clothes) watching tv. When I say what are we eating he says IDK. Why don’t you know? You know you have kids, you know you are going to be hungry so why don’t you know??? He has also recently started not caring much about his hygiene. He does not brush his teeth everyday nor does he shower everyday. He laid across the bed after kicking off his work clothes the other day and I said OMG is that your feet smelling like that? He said probably so and kept on watching TV. He went to bed that night with no shower. Went to work the next day and came home and laid across the bed. I said Um you need to get yourself in the shower and he did and once he got out he said that feels so much better. I though yeah you probably washed 10 pounds of dirt off. Then, the toilet…I have asked him time and time again to flush the toilet twice when he takes a dump. The apartment that we live in has a very weak flushing toilet so sometimes you have to flush twice to make sure everything goes down. I DON”T WANT TO SEE OR SMELL THAT. On top of that he sometimes leaves stains on the seat. Just nasty. I like cuddling but how can I ever want to cuddle with him??? He is so nasty and I try to tell it to him in subtle ways but he does not get it. He will watch me clean up all day around him and never lift one finger to help. I am considering divorce because I am tired of being treated like a maid. He drools on his pillows so they stink really bad. He scratches skin off his feet and his side of the bed feels like a sandy beach. And when I do ask him to do anything he gets an attitude but if anyone outside of the house asks him to do something he is more than eager to help. I think this is because he knows that by helping someone else that he is going to get a thank you or a pat on the back. I’m sorry Mr, you don’t get a pat on the back for doing what you are supposed to do anyway as a husband and a father.. I don’t get a pat on the back for cooking and cleaning and doing laundry and going to work. And if a home is dirty that is a reflection of the mother. I’m just tired of his nastiness. Please help!


Do you have a specific question or are you just venting (which is fine)?


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

Why are you still married to this man? He sounds absolutely disgusting. Sorry to sound so blunt, but you totally grossed me out! UGHHHH!!!! you described so many gross things, i can't believe you live with that. Just when I thought I couldn't believe a human could be so gross, you wrote something even grosser.

He's not your friend, he's not your partner, I hope he's not your lover, he doesn't respect you or your home or your health, he's not there for your kids, he's a horrible example of a father. What in the world are you hanging on for?

If and when you leave him, and find someone one day who is kind, nice, clean, loving, respectful, helpful and caring, you'll wonder why you hung in there. And even if you don't meet someone, you are better off without him that with him. do your kids a favor and leave.

Why are you even joking with him about his hygiene? If your kid was just as dirty, in no uncertain terms would you tell him to get in a shower. It's unfortunate that you have to talk to him like a parent, but you have nothing to lose. Tell him either he shapes up, cleans up, helps out with kids, dinner laundry, or he's history.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

I've asked myself the same question for nearly 25 years. Finally I'm changing that situation. 

Now my question to YOU is: Why do you STAY married? 

This guy sounds like a total :loser: :tool:

Don't be like I did and add another 15 years to an already bad situation. You can live in a CLEAN environment with your kids and he won't be there to mess things up. He's a good provider? Good. Then you are assured of him providing child support, which is a lot more than my huband does! Consider yourself lucky.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

My first husband used to do some things similar to yours. He worked in a machine shop, and he got to a point where he would come home and lay on the couch all evening, in the clothes he worked in. Worse, he would GO TO BED in those same clothes! (they could wear shorts in the heat) Those clothes were just GRIMY! DISGUSTING!! He also smoked and would have nicotine in his mustache all the time, and drank too much beer on a regular basis. Then had the nerve to wonder why I never wanted to have sex! There were other issues contributing to that, but who the hell wants to be close to that?? We divorced, and now that he is divorced from wife #2, he is again slovenly and gross. The house is smelly and he just doesnt give a damn about himself. My daughter complains all the time about how he grosses her out. He has always had emotional issues, depression...seems your husband may have the same thing going on. Then again, he may just be completely selfish and clueless. You have my sympathy for sure!


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## STM (Jan 7, 2013)

I certainly appreciate the comments. I take the good and the bad. I know that there are a lot of issues here and I'm sure that my not always speaking up has a lot to do with it. I guess I just wanted to know if I was the only person out there dealing with an issue like this. 

For the people who stated that depression may be an issue here. You could be right. I think we are both pretty stressed but a HOT shower washes some of that away...

I guess I just wish that he would do better. I love him but I will not continue to be his maid...


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

STM said:


> I guess I just wish that he would do better. *I love him but I will not continue to be his maid...*



As much as you love him , don't tolerate or enable his disrespectful , bad habits
Its time to dig in your heels , 
And stick to this^^ part.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

I think that counseling is the only solution. If he will not go, then your only option is to put up with it of divorce. Or you might try this:

"What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage"

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/06/25/fashion/25love.html?pagewanted=all&_moc.semityn.www&_r=0

I recommend this article because of this quote:



STM said:


> Mr, you don’t get a pat on the back for doing what you are supposed to do anyway as a husband and a father.. I don’t get a pat on the back for cooking and cleaning and doing laundry and going to work. And if a home is dirty that is a reflection of the mother. I’m just tired of his nastiness. Please help!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

STM said:


> I certainly appreciate the comments. I take the good and the bad. I know that there are a lot of issues here and I'm sure that my not always speaking up has a lot to do with it. I guess I just wanted to know if I was the only person out there dealing with an issue like this.
> 
> For the people who stated that depression may be an issue here. You could be right. I think we are both pretty stressed but a HOT shower washes some of that away...
> 
> I guess I just wish that he would do better. I love him but I will not continue to be his maid...


If you love him you will help him be the best man he can be.

You have been enabling his behavior by putting up with it.. so you have been enabling him to be the worst he can be.

So give him that list of what you need him to do differently. If he does not respond then file for divorce.

If he's going to wake up and start to be a better man, the threat of losing you will do it. Thus you will have inspired him to be a better man.

If losing you is not enough to wake him up, move on. And he will have a list of what he needs to do to get better after he loses you.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

You have to give him incentive to do something. You've made his life pretty breezy... he can just sit back and do nothing. 

Ironically, he's probably not happy either. And as much as he resists initially, once a better pattern is established he'll probably enjoy life more.

The important thing to remember is that you've allowed him to be this way by taking care of everything. Take control of what you can control... your own actions, stop doing everything for him and tell him you need him to be more involved and be specific. Tell him when he's nasty. Tell him when he smells good. Create a new pattern.

He's not going to walk by the dirty dishes on the counter and go "Oh, I should be helpful and put the dishes in the dishwasher." Tell him his job is to start dinner Monday Wed and Fri.... or tell him you need him to clean up after dinner... no exceptions. If he doesn't, don't do it yourself. He's not going to volunteer for responsibilities, and you can't be mad at him if you hold him accountable for nothing. You perpetuate the situation.

If he absolutely will not participate, then he's not a partner and you should divorce him. Sounds like you've got leech.


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

I agree with all the advice given.....the only thing I'd add: 

Until he 'cleans up' his act; I'd opt for separate beds (two twin beds should suffice) Sorry.....the skin from his feet comment made my stomach churn.


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

PLEASE GET OUT NOW!!! My parents have been married for 30 years, and after 10 of those years, my father lost his job because he kept falling asleep due to inactivity. He NEVER GOT ANOTHER JOB and has spent the last 20 years spounging off my mother, not lifting a finger at home at ALL. My mother works 50 hrs a week and still has to come home to cook, clean and do the groceries. All for a morbidly obease man who does nothing but make a mess, invites his friends over to play computer games and talk about conspiracy theories, stink the house out with ciggarette smoke and take money from his hard working run down wife for his hobbies. My brother and I have grown up seeing this and obviously we have no respect for him or their 'marriage'. I feel terrible for our mother and when I was a teenaager i used to tell her that she should divorce him and get us all away from him, that we would all be better off. Didn't happen. So now I just see her as an enabeler, and feel sorry for her wasted life. PLEASE don't end up like her.


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## janiliya (Nov 8, 2012)

STM said:


> For the people who stated that depression may be an issue here. You could be right. I think we are both pretty stressed but a HOT shower washes some of that away...
> 
> I guess I just wish that he would do better. I love him but I will not continue to be his maid...


Hi,

A hot shower might make one feel better for sometime but it cannot lift the cloud of depression. A person who is depressed lacks the motivation to do get up and do things. Getting him motivated with something positive like love. Getting professional help can be very useful as the antidepressants will lift the mood which will help your husband get up and get things done which in turn will motivate him towards the better.
Do not give up on your husband without trying all the options. Maybe he's going through a rough patch and needs your help.

Regards,
Janiliya
__________________________________
Read for Practical Ways to Happiness
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Black, White and Grey


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