# How do I stop being jealous of his ex-wife



## Azure (Oct 8, 2012)

Hey guys! It's been quite a while since I've posted on here. I am so grateful to those of you who provided wisdom and support when I was on the verge of a divorce 2 years ago. 

I have since met a WONDERFUL man who is now my husband. He is so loving, affectionate, witty, and has a HD to match my HD, etc. I feel incredibly blessed.

Here's the thing though. He was married to his HS sweetheart (together for 7 years) and he says they were really happy..she decided to end the marriage and I kept asking if perhaps he was just oblivious to her unhappiness, but I talked to her myself and she says he was a great husband and she was happy but she wanted to live a different lifestyle (she left the faith they were both practicing). She quickly moved on and started dating someone she met when they were still married (so I guess there was another man in the picture, but I thought women leave because they are unhappy? i still don't get it). Eitherway, I am glad because I now have him and he is amazing. I know he was devastated, and right around her birthday he felt a little down which really upset me, he explained that he doesn't miss her per se but feels all those years were in vain. 

It makes me feel really insecure that they had a great relationship and makes me wonder often if maybe he misses aspects of their relationship, or things that she did for him that I don't do, etc. I did not have a happy first marriage whereas he did. These thoughts won't stop. I know he sometimes feels insecure about my relationship with another man I once loved, but he was never my husband. Also, to put it bluntly, his ex is taller, thinner, and subjectively prettier than me. Let's be real, even if I am not superficial, the world is. I can't help feeling inadequate. I went through some things earlier this year that greatly affected my self-esteem, including losing a job, and I can't seem to stop the self-loathing and shame that I feel. I have a loving husband and we have sex daily, but for some reason my self-esteem is at an all time low. Please help!


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## Azure (Oct 8, 2012)

I think what made it worse in my head was, he mentioned to me, and I wish he didnt, before we got married that one of his friends asked him if I was "an upgrade"


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## hehasmyheart (Mar 11, 2010)

It doesn't sound like there are any problems in the marriage. It could just be that you feel insecure about yourself. Think of positive changes you can make and work on them.

Don't compare yourself to his ex. Just be the best you can be and have gratitude for being blessed with a good marriage. It doesn't sound like he's complaining, so he's happy. Daily sex is a great sign of that.

Did you get a new job after the job loss? If not, maybe that makes you feel inferior. Could you/do you want to go back to school?

If you have some weight to lose, there are many online tools, and some are even free.

It's good that you're happier in the 2nd marriage. Do you think some baggage from the first marriage might be the source of self esteem issues or insecurity in this marriage?


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Hi Azure,

Your husband experienced rejection from a significant person in his life, someone who spoke directly into his soul. In a way it is similar to a child experiencing rejection from a parent, say in this case a mother (I know some will hate that comparison) the one with a clear path to nurture him. 


Do not take his pain personally; it was a historical fact he has to live with. He questions himself at those times without even realizing it. It does not mean he loves you any less, but perhaps actually needs your understanding at those times more.


It’s ironic that your self-esteem is hurting ATM for reasons that relate to his opinion of you. And you are letting yourself believe that his pain is representative of his opinion of you as well.

The things that you believe are significant reasons may not even be significant to him, nor affect his feelings for you at all.
Sometimes the things that drain us are not rational but are relational.

Many good men (perhaps your husband) feel good about themselves because they value loyalty, say to their spouse for example. Often they see this quality of loyalty as their love for you. You will hear them say “I would have taken a bullet for her”. 

This is about them not you so often women do not score this very high, because it doesn’t mean you are the most beautiful or whatever, but you should know that this is possibly how he thinks and the issues that depress you, well,… he just may not even go there.

BTW this is how we put you ladies on a pedestal, yes it has it dangers because it does not guarantee that we are keeping a good connection, but it sounds like he is doing that as well.


The quality of the person you love makes all the difference, because good people “tend” to the relationship but also cultivate the skills to stay in love. 

If a good person loves you, then be worthy of it, and don’t doubt yourself, he must see something there that resonates with him to be with you.


In some measure the past pains and losses make us who we are today. Humans are not static so we have highs and lows.


I hope you can both help lift the other a bit when you need it, and I hope you find something helpful herein.
Take care!


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

I think you missed the key ingredient...

He feels "all those years were in vain."

He's not really thinking about her per se, but about missed chances and opportunities. A self realization that he too, has moved on to be in a better relationship.

You keep saying how happy their marriage was, but that ended in divorce. He can look back and realize he wasn't as happy as he thought he was, now that he has YOU.

Second marriages are so much more fun!


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Azure said:


> I think what made it worse in my head was, he mentioned to me, and I wish he didnt, before we got married that one of his friends asked him if I was "an upgrade"


Why would that make you feel worse?? Although it's a crude way to phrase it, it sounds like the friend was paying you a compliment by suggesting you are an "upgrade".


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If you feel self loathing and shame, you should seek individual counseling.

I"m sure he misses aspects of their relationship. I miss aspects of my childhood. I miss aspects of High School. I miss aspects of all relationships I ever had. 

My current marriage is not perfect. No one's marriage is. We all have to focus on the here and now, and what we do have.. WE all have to put out bad thoughts of the past, or what we don't have, or really any negatives in order to be successful in marriage. You should get counseling to help you on this.

Men are not that complicated. If you meet his emotional needs, he will stick with you and not bet fixated on what is missing from his life. Same goes for women.


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## Azure (Oct 8, 2012)

Thank you all so very much for your comments. 

I do know that our past experiences make us who we are. We both have discussed how we are now better lovers because of our past relationships. Revamped, you are right, he has told me that he is the happiest he has ever been now that he is with me. That our relationship is much better than what he had. And I feel the same way about him. We communicate so well and get along so smoothly, and our sex life is phenomenal, whereas we both had issues with drive differences in our previous relationships. 

Decorum, I know that it made him question himself and has hurt his self-esteem. He felt betrayed and confused, and that led him to question himself. And it hurts me that she made him feel that way when he was doing all he can to make her happy. I know it probably eats at him, and I hope I can help him heal with time. 

Hehasmyheart, I have always been insecure about my weight, since I was a little girl. I was never "skinny". I yo-yo'd throughout college and finally lost most of it after my divorce. I am still 15 pounds above my desired goal, which has been the hardest to lose and it incredibly affects how I feel about myself.

I am still without a job and after many days of feeling awful about myself I finally realized that growing up, I never thought of myself as beautiful, so I have always derived my confidence from my accomplishments in school and my career. I have been told that I was pretty and have dated many men, so I know that there are many men who find me attractive. But being married to a previously married man feels different because I feel pressured. I feel that his friends/peers/relatives/community will be judging me in relation to her because that is what people do. And society always judges a woman by how she looks.

Theseus, his friend hasn't met me, but was asking him if my H thought I was an upgrade in comparison to his ex-wife. 

Intheory, I guess it is a matter of preference, but some cultures do like taller girls (5'6-5'8) than shorter ones. He did mention it makes him feel more manly that I'm shorter (I'm 5'5 so not short, but shorter than her), but I guess I'd be happier with my height if I lost the few extra pounds.

Hicks, I did seek therapy on and off for a long time, but it was for other reasons. I am generally a confident person, with the occasional days of not feeling so great about myself, but I think this is probably the longest bout which is why it's really getting to me. Usually I might feel not successful enough, not thin enough, not pretty enough, but it never felt tied to another person where it felt that I was publicly being judged. I don't know if this bit makes sense but that's how it feels in my head.

One last thing that bothers me a little bit is when we will be discussing any random issue and he will tell me anecdotes that have to do with her. We both discussed our previous marriages in great detail before getting married ourselves, but I try not to talk about my ex at all now that we are married. I am curious whether those of you who are now remarried talk casually about stories and events involving your exes?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Azure said:


> One last thing that bothers me a little bit is when we will be discussing any random issue and he will tell me anecdotes that have to do with her. We both discussed our previous marriages in great detail before getting married ourselves, but I try not to talk about my ex at all now that we are married. I am curious whether those of you who are now remarried talk casually about stories and events involving your exes?


Generally, no, however, my DH and I have been together for over 10yrs, so past relationships are very much history and are rarely thought about. From what I can gather, his previous marriage only ended a couple of years ago? I gather that since you talked to his ex wife that he is also still in contact with her? The relatively short amount of time since his divorce would mean that it's still close to the surface and I think probably normal, though a little inconsiderate, for him to still talk about her. A wise man wouldn't do this however. You may need to educate him on how it makes you feel.

If he is still in contact with her this may take a very long time to fade into the background, if ever. For the sake of your marriage it would be a good thing if they were completely no contact.

Edited to add: I flat out don't believe his reasoning for why he was 'down' on her birthday. Sounds like a good thing to say but it's utter garbage. He was thinking about her on her birthday and he felt sad. Feeling that she'd wasted years of his life would cause anger/annoyance, not sadness. Sadness would be caused by feelings of missing her. I don't think you should dwell on this though. He feels how he feels and he'll get over it one day.


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## Azure (Oct 8, 2012)

Breeze, yes you are right, his marriage ended quite recently, and at times when were dating, I sensed that he was still hung up on her. I brought it up many times, telling him I want him to heal before moving on, etc. and he would insist that he feels confident that he can start a new relationship..telling me that the time needed to heal is different for everyone. He is not in contact with her at all, and I wouldn't be okay with it at all. 

I did feel that he was missing her, and that's why it really hurt me. I'm still not sure how to tell him I don't really care to hear stories about his ex or her family, because I did mention it twice before. This is why it bothers me, because it feels that so much of his life history is intertwined with hers


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Azure said:


> Hey guys! It's been quite a while since I've posted on here. I am so grateful to those of you who provided wisdom and support when I was on the verge of a divorce 2 years ago.
> 
> I have since met a WONDERFUL man who is now my husband. He is so loving, affectionate, witty, and has a HD to match my HD, etc. I feel incredibly blessed.
> 
> ...


My first LTR (6 years) was near-perfect. Met when we were 12 but never dated till we were 19 (after vetting and double-dating with our other partners from mid-teens). We split up cuz she wanted kids and I didn't. No other reason. Best friends then and good friends now, nearly 40 years after meeting. 

Do I miss things about her? Absolutely. Do I regret the split? No. We hit an impass. I loved her (still do, like a sister) so I had to let her go and not make it any more difficult for her than it was.

Compare her with subsequent partners? Sure but not in any kind of mournful way. I try to 'live in the now', focus on and celebrate the positives of whoever I'm with. Had we not split, I'd never have experienced the myriad fun times I've had since. I'm a fussy, patient 'picker', I've only got to the shared-accom' stage with 3 partners. 3 and 17 years. Never regretted any of them. All 3 were fun, none of it spent "in vain".

I've had some 'simple rules of dating' since I was a teenager. Top of the list is 'NEVER go back'. No time for any of that split/get back together nonsence,, or any kind of drama. 'No drama queens' is also on the list. No fun, no dating.

Not sure how this might help you but, I think it's too oft assumed that if an ex offers it up on a plate, my gender will be 'in there like a rat up a drainpipe.' Well, it ain't so. I'm not like that and, with only 1 exception I can think of, neither are my male friends.


If your guy is demonstrating his interest in you (actions backing up any vocal assurances) - arranging dates, helping with chores or doing anything you like him to do - it's likely he's happy to be with you.

Importantly, maybe he only has lingering thoughts about his exes when you ask him about them. That might explain why some of his answers seem a little tactless,, cuz he's never really thought about it. For sure, a 'master manipulater' would tell you exactly what you wanted to hear.

Finally, something/anything might cause him to leave in X months or years. I'm all for 'be prepared' but do you really want to spend the interim fretting over it? Suspicious and miserable aren't appealling traits - kind of ironic (but you won't find it funny) if that's what causes his departure.

So, make sure he backs his 'I love you's with deeds. If your gut gives you strong cause for suspicion, talk to him/investigate or split up. Otherwise, don't sweat the small stuff. One last 'simple rule' (works for me) - give them enough rope to hang themselves, and the insincere inevitably will. That way, you don't do any worrying until they give themselves away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## droll (Nov 11, 2014)

I think you're the one who has a problem. You said he is a wonderful and loving husband and he didn't cheat on you. You don't have to insecure to his ex if she's prettier and sexier than you don't mind it the important is he's with you now so love him with all of your heart.


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

I'm with someone now who is insecure about my ex. I was married 7 years to my HS gf. I try my best to let her know that I want her and her alone. I can tell you that my new relationship is different and that's what makes it amazing. I don't want my old marriage or my ex. I learned from my last marriage and now she gets a better version of me. 

Think of it that way. We all learn from our relationships. You're getting a better version of your husband. He's probably not the same person his was with his ex. So I don't think you have to feel insecure about what that relationship meant to him.

Ask him to explain why those years were in vain. Maybe you'll be surprised. I know that both my current gf and I wish that we met each other sooner. In that way I could say my years of marriage were in vain. But at the same time we both know that we wouldn't be the same people if we didn't go through what we went through.


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

Also my current gf talks about her marriage sometimes. I've told her it makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't do it to her.


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## Azure (Oct 8, 2012)

Thanks all again for your replies, tryingpatience, yes, I do know that we are both the better versions of ourselves because of our first marriages.

I am now visiting my inlaws, where my husband has left his marital bed/furniture in his old room, and we are sleeping there.

He never made sure to completely sweep out the drawers, and I've come across some things that belonged to her with each visit. 

I'm sort of simmering on the inside. I've come across one of her notebooks, and I just can't help but compare myself to her, her talents, her interests, etc. She is smart and talented, spoke multiple languages, was into art and other hobbies, was very driven, had her life planned out. I found different timelines she wrote out for herself of what she'd want to accomplish by what age, another of their future house plan, when they'd have children. The inlaws still have one of her paintings up on the wall. 

And it just kills me. 

I just want to be better than her. In a way its sort of pushing me to start pursuing my goals. but she is just a thorn in my brain that keeps pricking me. 

I do think I will try to get a few therapy sessions in. But would love to hear from you all


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> I just want to be better than her. In a way its sort of pushing me to start pursuing my goals. but she is just a thorn in my brain that keeps pricking me.
> 
> I do think I will try to get a few therapy sessions in. But would love to hear from you all


I think therapy would be a great idea. These kinds of things - these thorns - tend to be a lot more about ourselves than about the other person.

I think you might want to be "better" than you are right now - whatever that means to you. You've turned his ex into some kind of symbol that you aren't who you want to be quite yet, that you don't measure up...to your own expectations. You're a work in progress. She's a work in progress, too, her own work, her own path. Her path wasn't with your husband. Yours is. Start your own journal and write down your plans, and then do them.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She may be tall and she may be thin but she dumped him for another man, so she looks like a disloyal, lying, cheating bat. You are the one who comforts him and she is the one who hurt him. The only competition you have is with yourself. 
How your husband perceives you will be for you to decide. In general, the concept of marriage still agrees with him so the disloyal bat wasn't a complete waste of time. Never-the-less, she left the bar hanging pretty low so if you can manage to be anything slightly better than a lying, cheating, bat, you will be highly esteemed in his eyes and in the eyes of his friends and family. 
My ex is tall, thin, big (fake) hooties, stylish, and most folks on earth would say she's pretty hot. Most folks don't know she's as crazy as an out-house rat and has the morals of a pit bull. I happen to know both handy pieces of information. I haven't spent a nano-second pining away over her or comparing my wife to her. Whatever else the woman is or was, she's gone.


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## Vanille (Dec 13, 2014)

I know this is easier said than done, but don't think about her. Focus on yourself, on your relationship. You're draining all of your energy on this woman. She's not magically better than you, it's low self esteem making you tear yourself down. Your husband clearly loves you. If you ever get the impression he is thinking about her, it's probably entirely retrospective, trying to process everything that has happened to him recently. I don't think you have anything to worry about with that. Good luck with everything!


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Azure said:


> Thanks all again for your replies, tryingpatience, yes, I do know that we are both the better versions of ourselves because of our first marriages.
> 
> I am now visiting my inlaws, where my husband has left his marital bed/furniture in his old room, and we are sleeping there.
> 
> ...


Azure, be accomplished for yourself and be confident, then make him feel like he rocks your world, he is your rock star, its irresistible and it is the opposite of how his ex treated him, objectively speaking (she may have ended it as kindly as she could IDK). You will be the person who is "into him", committed, and an individual in your own right.

It seems like you have the catbird seat here, don't let un-founded fear crate turmoil and doubt.

The two of you have a real shot at a good life together, I am glad for you both.
Take care!


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Azure, 
I'm probably older than most of the people on this forum. I'm a 52 year old male and have been married for 23 years.
The bottom line is that life is very, very difficult. I am blessed with wonderful living parents, three children, a great job, great house, etc.
However, I have serious heart disease (almost died of a heart attack etc. etc.) Our first daughter who is 21 years old is seriously mentally handicapped. Those are just 2 of my problems. 

Don't dwell on your past or your husbands past. Try to live for today, not yesterday or tomorrow, because tomorrow may never come. Be the best woman, mother, wife, lover, helper you can be and in time he WILL forget about that other girl. She will eventually become a distant memory and he won't even remember what she looked like.

Time does heal all wounds, well at least they seem to get better, in time.


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## frankman (Sep 23, 2014)

Oldish thread I know. From a mans perspective. In my own personal hell of a cheating wife and now divorce.

My love for my soon to be ex blinded me to her physical flaws. Bluntly she had none when I was so in love with her. She is no dog, but once I started detaching, suddenly I saw her physical flaws.

Your husband likely has something similar going on.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Azure said:


> I have since met a WONDERFUL man who is now my husband. He is so loving, affectionate, witty, and has a HD to match my HD, etc. I feel incredibly blessed.


Awesome!



Azure said:


> Here's the thing though. He was married to his HS sweetheart (together for 7 years) and he says they were really happy..she decided to end the marriage and I kept asking if perhaps he was just oblivious to her unhappiness, but I talked to her myself and she says he was a great husband and she was happy but she wanted to live a different lifestyle (she left the faith they were both practicing). She quickly moved on and started dating someone she met when they were still married (so I guess there was another man in the picture, but I thought women leave because they are unhappy? i still don't get it).


He was blind to what she was really like. She was a cheater - he will try to cover it up, but the fact is, she wanted more
He might be having an issue believing that he could be duped as completely as he was.



Azure said:


> It makes me feel really insecure that they had a great relationship and makes me wonder often if maybe he misses aspects of their relationship, or things that she did for him that I don't do, etc.


So great that she cheated. 



Azure said:


> I think what made it worse in my head was, he mentioned to me, and I wish he didnt, before we got married that one of his friends asked him if I was "an upgrade"


This is a huge thing you need to pay attention to. Even his friend knew there was something up with his marriage. This is a huge compliment to you. His friend is checking up to make sure you're not going to pull his heart out and stomp on it like the ex did. You should feel very complimented that his friend sees you as an upgrade to the ex (that make you better BTW).



Azure said:


> his ex is taller, thinner, and subjectively prettier than me. Let's be real, even if I am not superficial, the world is. I can't help feeling inadequate.


Stop comparing yourself. You husband doesn't see that. 
I'll give an example (I'm going to be a bit of a pig here, but this describes my mindset). My wife is a bigger woman, big rack, big hips, big bottom. She hates how she looks. She thinks she's fat. I have a hard time keeping my hands off her.

She can stand to loose weight (for health reasons, we can all stand to loose weight). I think (actually I know) she's hotter (even after 20 years of being together) than any of the others I dated and I dated a lot of women that would be considered 9's or 10's. She thinks she would be a 4 or 5. To me she's a 10. 

In short, it's what he thinks. You should get out of your head and build your assessments of yourself a little more on his positive thoughts of you.



Azure said:


> I have a loving husband and we have sex daily


This is what you should be thinking about instead of how great he had it with his ex!!




Azure said:


> I did feel that he was missing her, and that's why it really hurt me


This is your assumption. You need to stop.
Is he missing her OR is it possible he is still evaluating how he could have been so blind to her and could have wasted all that time?



Azure said:


> I'm sort of simmering on the inside. I've come across one of her notebooks, and I just can't help but compare myself to her, her talents, her interests, etc. She is smart and talented, spoke multiple languages, was into art and other hobbies, was very driven, had her life planned out. I found different timelines she wrote out for herself of what she'd want to accomplish by what age, another of their future house plan, when they'd have children.


Did you find the one where she planned to crush him under her boot and cheat?



Azure said:


> I just want to be better than her. In a way its sort of pushing me to start pursuing my goals. but she is just a thorn in my brain that keeps pricking me.


Here's the thing, you already are. You're in a happy, loving relationship. You have won.

If you really want to dominate, turn up your inner freak and get nasty with him.

But there's no more competition, you're the last one standing in this king of the hill battle you are attempting with his ex. Savor the win and have a whole bunch of freaky victory sex


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