# So lost and confused



## Lostinlove82794 (May 2, 2012)

12 years ago I made a huge mistake. I had an affair. There really is no excuse, I was lost and felt alone and my husband wouldn't communicate with me at all. Pushed me away any time I tried to talk to him. A friend of mine was there for me and well... things just got out of hand. I didn't tell my husband about the affair until this past August. He understanably took the news badly but we seemed to be working through things. My husband is the love of my life but now he is having issues with the fact I had an affair, 8 months after I told him. I understand him still having issues, but the fact that he is now sneaking around and trying to "hook up" with people using hookup.com and lying to me about not using it anymore. We have always said that we are each others soul mates but now I just think I should let him go if he is so mad at me. I love him so very much and even though he says he loves me and says he can't live without me I feel that he is ready to move on. We have been married for over 17 years now and he is such a huge part of my life. I hate the thought of living without him but can't stand to see him like this either. I feel it is all me that makes him so stressed and unhappy. I have tried to get him to communicate with me, I have tried making things up to him. I just don't know what to do anymore. I know I was in the wrong and I know that I would never hurt him like that again (yeah I know you all are probably thinking "once a cheater always a cheater" but I am not). There isn't a day that goes by that I don't hate myself for what I did. If it weren't for the fact that I have children I would probably end my life so that nobody would ever have to worry about me hurting them again. But I love my kids and my parents and could never do that to them. But the thought has crossed my mind. I am so confused, I want to save my marriage but at the same time I feel like my husband will never be happy as long as he is married to me and I can't stand the thought of him never being happy again. Please help (even though I don't deserve it).


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Lost,

Many people here will tell you that infidelity can take longer than 8 months to fix even though the affair was 12 years ago. Many will tell you that to even hope that you can recover in something like 4 years is optimistic.

What you need to realize is that you have been lying and decieving your husband for 12 years. The marriage you once had is no more. You're only hope is to try and build a new one and that can only be done through being completely open and transparent to your husband.

For instance, after the affair ended (and BTW, how long did it go on and how many times did you have sex with the other man (OM) and where?) did you remain friends with the OM? Does your husband know the OM?

You have to find out IF your husband truly wants to reconcile (R). I would ask him this and if he answers yes, then ask him why he is still trying to hook up with people on the internet? I would assume it's to have a revenge affair. While it is definitely not the right thing to do since he would be lower himself to your level, I do understand the feelings of hurt he must have.

Also, the two of you MUST get tested for STDs. Your affair has exposed your husband to another man's sexual past.

I know I seem a bit harsh here but it's the truth. The road ahead of you is long and hard. You need to get into marriage counseling and perhaps individual counciling (IC) for yourself to try and unearth the flaw that lead to your affair and your inability to be honest about it for 12 years


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Suggest MC to him. If he wont go, you still need to seek IC for yourself, There are deeper issues here other than the affair. You feel like ending your life at times, that right there needs to be addressed itself. You need some coping skills with life in general, with the affair, with the guilt you feel etc. If he wont go, you still need to then proceed from there.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

My wife cheated and I D (divorced) her. You cheated and your husband chose R (reconciliation) so therefore *there is no excuse for him and he does not get "a free, get out of jail card" to have a "revenge affair".* This is a false R on your husband's side and what that means is that you have to enforce boundaries that may mean you filing for divorce if he doesn't engage you in helping to heal.

As far as your suicidal thoughts are concerned, *get help NOW*. The devastation your death would bring to your loved ones would be staggering, so please make it your number one priority to get help via counseling.


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## Lostinlove82794 (May 2, 2012)

Ok, first of all, my husband and I had always told each other everything. I kept the affair from him because even though we had been very emotionally distant from each other we were able to start communicating. Was it right to keep it from him? No. The reason I told him was because he was talking about having a foursome. I told him about the affair because I didn't want to go into something else without him knowing about my past with another man. The man I had an affair with was a man we both knew, we both went to school with him, we have all been tested for stds. After I told my husband about the affair he went through many emotion changes. I had asked him if he wanted to leave me right after I told him. He said "No, I can't live without you." I tried communicating with him, I asked for help from mutual friends as well that had gone through the same thing (with the same guy btw). 

My husband seemed to get better then worse then better then worse.... He would talk to me and then not talk to me about what was going through his head. He admitted to me that he was seeking to have an affair for revenge. He and I had a long talk last night. I even told him that if he wanted to be "free" that I was letting him go. Free to do whatever he wanted. I told him that I realized that he was still hurting, but then I asked him if he thought walking in my shoes living with regret and hate towards myself was any easier. I told him if he thought having an affair would truly make him feel better about himself then he should do it but told him that he better be prepared to beat himself up for the rest of his life over it, as I do. He said he never thought of that, never thought that these women he was seeking could be total nuts and hurt him or our family, told him that they could be carrying all kinds of diseases .... anyway, he said he didn't think things through and that he was just feeling hurt again and lost. I told him that he HAS to talk to me when he feels that way or talk to one of our friends. 

I have been 100% open with him about everything else in our lives. We have a mutual guy friend (the guy that his wife cheated on him as well and they are still together) and I am best friends with this guy. My husband gets to read every text, every email, and is there when I talk to our friend in person. This friend has helped my husband and I out a lot through this but is running out of advice because of my husband going back and forth so much. He said that when he found out about his wife's affair that he had to choose right then and there to either leave her or stay and if he stayed he couldn't hold her mistake over her head for the rest of her life. I know all people handle things differently, but my husband scares me when he doesn't talk things out.

As for the suicide remarks that I made. I would never take my own life because of my parents and children. Just because I feel I have no self worth doesn't mean I would ever hurt my parents and children like that, it would be selfish. My husband said he couldn't stand to be without me for even one night (after we talked last night while he was driving home from work). I want to believe that he is no longer going to persue these online women or any others for that matter, but the fact that I have been telling him everything and he seemed to be shutting me out more and more makes me worry he will have another set back and pull away from me again. I believe he loves me ... He doesn't beat me, he is a hard working man, great father to our three kids, I can't stand the thought of being without him but if that is what he wants (which I have told him time and time again that if he is so unhappy that he can leave me, I would rather be miserable for the rest of my life as long as he is happy). I feel like I am getting somewhere with him, an understanding. I know the marriage we once had is gone and I know we have to start "new" but for that to happen he has to be willing to put in the effort as well. 

I thank you all for the advice and comments. I know I am the one that most of you would hate because I am the one in the wrong. But until you have lived my life don't think that my affair was exactly like all the others you have read about. People that have been hurt by an affair have all kinds of support groups but it seems that the people that had the affair don't. If I had had access to a group like this before the affair happened it would have prevented it from happening. But I had nobody to turn to for advice. I wish I had.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

If your husband thinks that "two wrongs make a right"... well he's sorely mistaken. Yes you've made a mistake, but you don't have to tolerate this infidelity at all.

Make it clear to him what you will do if he does cheat on you. While you aren't a saint for your infidelity, I get the impression you didn't actively seek it out. If he does cheat, he is actively seeking to do so. Intent is important!

If it were me I would end the marriage if he cheated (even though "I" had cheated earlier).

You two need to be in counselling. IC or MC doesn't matter... but both of you need to talk to a professional before things get out of hand.


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## Lostinlove82794 (May 2, 2012)

I re-read what I posted and see where it could be very confusing. 
My husband was not there for me emotionally at all and the other guy was. The affair happened. That was 12 years ago.
Things started getting better with me and my husband, and the affiar ended. I had thought we were going to head for divorce before that. My husband finally took the time to listen to what I was going through with him being so emotionally absent. Selfish of me? Yes I agree. I was lost and took a very wrong path.

Fast forward 11 years. I told my husband about the affair because of talk of him wanting to have a foursome. I didn't tell him before that because I was afraid to lose him. I have extremely low self esteem and don't think I am worth keeping around. I am a house wife (that cleans houses here and there for extra money and sells baked goods), I love my kids to the ends of the earth. Was it right to keep it from him? Probably not but even he said that if I had told him back then that we probably would not have stayed married. So in retrospect I feel it did end up being right not telling him until last August. But I will never know. Would I have told him about it if we hadn't been talking about a foursome? I can't answer that.

I have always told him everything about my life and hopes and dreams and fears. It was he that did not seem to care. In a way telling him about the affair has made him open up more to me but then he has those set backs. He NEVER once asked me if I was having an affair, never even thought about me cheating on him. Never thought I would, I didn't think I would either. 

Now I am more open with him (if that is possible) than before the affair. I tell him absolutely everything. I just wish he would be more open and do the same in return. Again, I understand how bad I hurt him. I know I am the one in the wrong. But again, for this marriage to work he has to be willing to communicate back. Am I right? After our talk last night he seems like a totally different person ... for now. It doesn't help that manic depressives run in his family and that scares me with him as well. 

I don't know if this helped clear up what I was saying or not. Again thank you for the advice.


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## Lostinlove82794 (May 2, 2012)

No, absolutely did NOT seek the affair out. To make things worse or make me feel even more stupid is the guy I had the affair with slept with many other married women. He made me feel like I was the only one. I don't know why I believed him, I am nothing special. I did not find out proof that he had been with many other married women until after I slept with him. This guy has not been in our lives since the affair ended (he screwed us out of money as well which ended up in court to get our money back). He totally had my mind all screwed up. I am generally a very sensible and intuitive person. I don't know how he weasled into my life like that. So yeah ... I am even more of an idiot for believing someone like him. He pretended to be my friend, pretended like he cared, comforted me when I was feeling down or fighting with my husband. Actually tried turning me against my husband making me think my husband was even worse than I was already thinking. 

The only time my husband physically hurt me was he pushed me into a metal (and wood) wall ONCE! And that was my fault, I was trying to talk to him and he was mad about something and wanted me out of the way. He still feels bad about it to this day and that was many many years ago. But the guy I had the affair with was there to hold me while I cried after my husband walked away as I stood back up after he pushed me.

My husband is a wonderful man. And I am the one at fault for the affair. I know my husband CAN over come this, I just hope that he does.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Lost you have to keep in mind that though your affair was twelve years ago, it is recent news to your husband. It is often said that it MAY take anywhere between 2 to 5 years for a betrayed spouse to totally recover from their unfaithful spouse's affair. In my case, it took me almost 2 years to recover and that was with counseling with a therapist who dealt with victims of infidelity and soldiers who saw combat and suffering PTSD. Please try to convince your husband to go to therapy with a qualified professional in infidelity for his own good for no matter what the outcome of the marriage is, he needs to heal.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

The bottom line is, until you are both communicating your marriage is broken (not destroyed, just broken). It can be fixed! That's where therapy comes in. If you can't afford therapy agree to go through some books together (we can suggest some if you like). The main thing is to start talking. Or perhaps see if a local church (or your church, if you attend) can help.

Is your husband more of a writer than a talker? If so ask him to write out how he feels, what concerns him, etc.

I suspect your husband is not happy sexually, else why would he propose a 4-some? Again a topic for counselling, though another alternative might be to see a sex therapist (my wife and I have been seeing one for 4 weeks now and she has helped us both).

(If you are curious read my thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/42686-another-case-hd-ld-married-couple.html the end part has a sort of running log of our therapy sessions).

Though until you are both completely open and loving towards one another you are going to need some help.


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## Lostinlove82794 (May 2, 2012)

No he is definitely not a writer. We can not afford counselling (do not have any form of health insurance) but would love to go through books together if you have some to suggest. 

We are communicating right now, I just hope the conversations keep up. I hope he stays open with me about how he is feeling. I realise that men and women cope with things differently, women are usually more open about how they feel than men are.

I truly appreciate you all taking the time to read my story. I can't thank you enough for listening. I hope that I can offer advice sometime in the future to you.


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## Lostinlove82794 (May 2, 2012)

Oh and to answer your question about my husband being happy sexually. We are both very happy sexually. There is nothing that we won't do for each other in that aspect of our marriage. There aren't many positions we haven't tried. He loves performing oral on me (even though I am uncomfortable about it) and I love performing oral on him (I actually have a ... problem staying away from performing oral on him). The foursome (in my husband's words) was just taking our sexual experience to another level. We have never gone through with it as we both feel it would really further complicate things in our marriage.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

While the following articles are no substitute for therapy, they may be able to help the two of you.

*3 Ways to Erase Post-Affair Anger*
*Cheated On, Tortured by Images*
*http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/40190-feeding-affair-image-beast.html#post593486*
*How to Rebuild Your Spouse's Trust After an Affair*


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Lost, there are couples here that have recovered and made new and better marriages after an affair. Beowulf and his wife Morrigan come to mind. Morrigan is Beowulf's former unfaithful wife (her affair was 20 years ago) and you can PM her if you want to get some guidance from another woman who has been in your shoes. You may also want to have your husband register here and have him PM Beowulf, to get some guidance from another man who has been in his shoes.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

I do see that you seem to have some pretty serious communication issues, namely that your husband seems shutdown. Perhaps you aren't meeting some need of his that you aren't even aware of.

I'd recommend taking a second for both of you to try this simply questionnaire: 
The 5 Love Languages | The 5 Love Languages®

It's short, and you may learn some things about each other (I know my wife and I did even after 15 years).

There's a book that goes into these 5 areas that folks need to individually feel loved more deeply:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Lang...3156/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1336099549&sr=8-1

If you've not done so yet, check out this part of the forums here on TAM: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Your marriage obviously is not all that healthy before you told him, otherwise he wouldn't have been suggesting a foursome. So on top of the problems that where driving him to suggest that you mutually cheat in front of one another, he now finds out that you cheated. To you it was 12 years ago,to him it was last August.

Now he's lost and hurting. The trust once had is totally gone. He may try to say the right things,but he doesn't have that trust any longer.

He's hurting do much and doesn't know how to fix it himself. So he's thinking that if he can even the score it will put the two of you into the same place. It won't, but he doesn't see any other way to deal with this. Obviously it's eating him up inside.

There might be free therapy at a church or other place, see if you can find it, otherwise I do not see your marriage surviving. You husband as you have seen is building up a lot of psin inside and it's going to destroy him,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Lost, if you and your husband are committed to each other then don't let negative comments bring you down.


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## Lostinlove82794 (May 2, 2012)

The foursome was innitially brought up by him and the other guy (the husband of the other couple we were thinking of doing this with). It was something we were all 4 going to do as friends. Just a fantasy. I had nothing to do with how satisfied sexually either of us were. He and I had talked about foursomes before. Most sexually active people have fantasies, doesn't mean that anything is wrong with that.

Thank you again Morituri and Browncoat. I truly appreciate all the help you have offered. My husband and I have been reading things on here together and I have suggested he register for himself on here.

When talking to him he says he can't even think about divorce or me not being with him. We are trying.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

I think at any point if a spouse has chosen to stay after an affair, (especially after years have gone by since an affair took place), then if they are going to continually hold it over your head or punish you for it, then the marriage is probably not going to work. I have never really understand people who choose to stay, but then punish that person they feel that wronged them over and over again. Apparently they must feel there is some kind of positive pay off for the continual punishment, but there isn't.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Some other books to consider (I've not read them but intend to soon, just heard great things about them):

Amazon.com: His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage (9780800719388): Willard F. Jr. Harley: Books

Amazon.com: Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs (9781591451877): Emerson Eggerichs: Books

Just some options. Maybe look them over at a bookstore and see what you think will fit you and your husband's needs most.


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## Lostinlove82794 (May 2, 2012)

I have to give him time to work this out. He has never been great about rationalizing things/thinking things through. I am hoping that by talking (whether to me or a friend or a counsellor of some sort) he will get things figured out. I am just offering to be here to listen and answer any and all questions he has. I can't give up on my marriage. If I don't try then I have truly failed. Do I like it being held over my head? No. But then again I deserve it to an extent.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

I think that while waiting, read some books at least on your own. Maybe you'll come across some great things for the both of you... perhaps he'll want to read along.

At the very least his seeing you try to make things better will get his attention, and possibly give him some hope for the future. Something you both need.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Lostinlove82794 said:


> Do I like it being held over my head? No. But then again I deserve it to an extent.


If you feel you deserve it, then he probably does to. My hope for you is he will not continue to hold it over your head. You probably deserve forgiveness more than it being held over you. Hopefully he will get to the point of forgiveness.


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## Lostinlove82794 (May 2, 2012)

As I have said before, I hate myself for what I did. I could not possibly be more remorseful. I have kept the house clean, make sure supper is ready for him when he gets home from work, take care of the kids (even though they don't need me so much since they are 13 and 16 and our oldest lives on her own). I help him with the things he has to do at home, I am working on "mudding" the new drywall in our pantry. I am doing every physical thing I can think of to help him, make his life less physically stressful. I am here to listen to him if he wants to talk but like the saying goes "you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make them drink". 

There are times where I want to throw in the towel because I THINK that is what he wants. I think "how can this man possibly want to stay with me?" and "Why would he want to stay with me, I am not worth it". 

I have friends that tell me I am worth my weight in gold, that I have a heart bigger than anyone else they know. I don't believe it about myself. If those things were true I would not have made such a huge mistake. I love being there for my friends and family, they mean the world to me. Without them I have no meaning.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Lost,

The 3 year mark of the finalization of my divorce is coming soon (4 years since DDay) and I would be a liar if I said that there were times when I am with my girlfriend that I am not haunted by memories of my ex-wife.

The video I stumbled upon of her and the OM having sex no longer impact me (thanks to therapy) but the fact that she attempted to kill herself a year ago and had to be institutionalized for a short period of time, hits me like nothing else.

I'm not telling you this to feel worse than you already feel but to convey to you that divorce doesn't magically erase all the pain NOR love one has for a spouse. In a way, I envy you and your husband.


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## Lostinlove82794 (May 2, 2012)

I don't ever expect him to forget, I don't even expect him to forgive me completely. I just want him to keep communicating with me and stop the shutting me out. Which I know takes time.

I am sorry that you are still going through the hurt off and on as well. I am glad that counselling has helped you though. I realise that divorce isn't the answer to all answers. I just hate seeing him hurt.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Many times we men tend to go in to our "cave" when we are hurting and don't want to appear weak to our women. It doesn't mean that we don't love you or that we want to leave you. Just be there for him when he finally comes out of his "cave".


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

You made a mistake, but that doesn't make you evil.

He chose to stay in the marriage, but that doesn't mean he can go cheat on you to even the score.

You should both go to marriage counseling together to deal with the two separate problems you have here and any related others. His affair is not your fault, just as your affair was not his fault. 

If he doesn't want to go to MC with you, then you need to go to IC alone. You shouldn't hate yourself over a mistake you made. Surely, there are many good things about you that make your life valuable to those connected to you. Do not consider suicide. Get some professional help so that you can deal with the remorse you are feeling. 

It doesn't sound like you're a serial cheater, just like a person who has made a mistake. Don't try to escape what's happened, cope with it. Be strong. It will get better in time.


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## Lostinlove82794 (May 2, 2012)

Thank you, all of you again. You have truly helped me see things better. I will keep you all up to date on our progress.


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