# Wife wants to separate, I’m not fully onboard.



## Lostandlonely32 (Jan 22, 2021)

I’ll try and quickly summarize our story... we have been married for 4.5 years, together for 7.5. My wife quit her terrible job in February 2020 and then Covid hit. She was stuck at home working odd jobs. During this time she did a lot of self-discovery, fell away from our shared religion (Christianity) and decided she didn’t want to have kids anymore. An old female friend of hers moved back into town and she started hanging out with this group of high school friends, including one guy she has admitted she used to have feelings for. They’ve been hanging out occasionally one on one outside of the group setting, and she has admitted to me that she has real feelings for him now. She wants to take 3 months to live separate in her own apartment to do some self-discovery and learn to live on her own (which she never did, she’s always had roommates). I think she’s going to explore the relationship with this guys she’s been hung up on for years. She says her main reason is self discovery and to give us both time to figure out what we want. I’m going to help support her financially a bit as she cannot afford the apartment on her own. She tells me she loves me and that she REALLY wants us to get back together at the end of the 3 months. Her main focus is on herself and growing so that she feels she has autonomy in the relationship, as she feels she doesn’t have an identity outside of being married.

I truly love her and want to stay with her. She’s very important to me and we’ve been through a lot together.

I’m terrified of potentially losing her and living alone. I work from home full time because of Covid, and also because of Covid I can’t really get out of the house to socialize and hang out with friends. I’m just stuck here for 3 months surrounded by lots of her things that remind me of her and I’m just not sure I can do it.

I’d really like to try couples counseling before she moves out, but I don’t think it solves her problem of looking for autonomy. I’m going to talk to her tonight more about potentially doing couples therapy for a few weeks before she makes the jump to move out.

What should I do? How do I cope with all this sadness? Any advice?


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## Lostandlonely32 (Jan 22, 2021)

Summary

My wife and I have been married for 4.5 years, together for 7.5. She quit her awful job in February 2020 and then COVID hit in March. She’s been meeting with a therapist for a few years, and recently she’s started on a journey of self discovery. She’s left our shared faith (Christianity), decided she doesn’t want kids anymore (because she thinks the world is messed up and it’s not right to bring children into the world). I am still a Christian and still would like kids one day. We currently do not have any kids.

She’s now telling me that she would like to do a 3 month separation living in her own apartment to “learn about herself” and figure out how to be her own person. She says she doesn’t feel like her own autonomous person, and regrets that she never had time to live on her own (she’s been living with her parents, roommates or me for he whole life). She tells me that she really loves me, and we have been crying a lot. She also tells me that at the end of the 3 months she’d really like to get back together, and that this could potentially be an event we do every few years if either of us needed space. 

My concern is that I think beyond discovering herself, she’s going to explore a relationship with an old flame that recently came back into her life, and in doing so she will leave me. Over the summer, a female high school friend of hers moved back to our state, and she got back together with a small group of friends of hers that used to hang out (I was invited, of course). One of the guys in the group is someone she used to have strong feelings for. She had a falling out with him during college and said some mean things she regrets. Now, she’s been hanging out with this guy one on one occasionally outside of the group setting. She admitted to me that she has feelings for this guy again that are very strong.

We have had a very strong relationship up to this point. We communicate VERY openly. But spending all the time in the pandemic together has made us grow a bit bored of each other. 

I’d really like to work on our relationship and go to counseling before she separates. I am scared to be alone in our home. I’ll be stuck here most everyday without much outside contact, because I work from home permanently during the pandemic. I’m afraid I’ll be really lonely. Not only that, but our home is full of things that remind me of her. 

My heart is breaking and I’m not sure I can take it. I just don’t know what to do. The “internet” says I should set goals for myself and hit the gym and show that I am working on myself, but I’m just so anxious and exhausted all the time after we talked two nights ago.

What should I do? I’d really like to push for relationship counseling for a few weeks to see if we can work through some things and then go from there. 

What do you all think?


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Sadly, if "finding herself" away from you is something she wants, therapy is not going to help her get over that at all. There's a very good chance, not 100%, but strong that she is actively seeing this other dude romantically, which is another reason she wants to "find herself".....while living separately from you. We can find ourselves living with someone else, with enough space, but she wants to do it fully living in another space separately. That along with this new/old flame back in her life is screaming that she's going for him and leaving you in the dust.

Do not play the pick-me game with her. Be your own man, realize you can live without her, if and when it comes down to that, stand up and be a strong, confident man in her presence. Don't try and woo her, don't try and impress her. If you make enough moves _for yourself_ and any part of her wants to continue with you, it will be recognized and she will make that choice. Until then....you do you.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Tell her if she wants she can move to her own apartment but she will not be moving back in. Tell her you'll need the address to send the divorce papers. 

She is 100% already cheating with this guy.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

She wants to try the other guy on for size. Consult with an attorney about what you can do if she abandons the home. Don't beg, plead or do the pick me dance. In fact, tell her that you want to find yourself, too and that might involve finding a replacement for her.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

SO she isn't doing this to "find" herself and then you will get back together.
She is DOING this to explore a relationship (and yes, sex) with this guy that she reconnected with and has "She admitted to me that she has feelings for this guy again that are very strong. "
THis one sentence tells you ALL that you need to know.

"could potentially be an event we do every few years if either of us needed space. "
So, she will periodically LEAVE you to go explore, expect YOU to sit around and wait for her to come back.

PLEASE do not be so naive that you think this has nothing to do with this guy coming back in to her life. She doesn't want to be married anymore -- she wants to hang out as a single with her old friends.

For your "separation" did you discuss NOT having a relationship with anyone especially including sex? Even if you did, could you believe her if she comes back? I don't think I would based on what she is saying.

Look you have to be willing to lose this relationship to keep it.
Tell her flat out that a separation doesn't work for you and you won't be sitting around waiting for HER to decide if she wants YOU (plan B) or this new guy.
Just tell her you should divorce, then she can go explore anything she wants, without you (and you can do that same).

you can ask for counseling, but right now I think SHE is already starting in the fog with this guy. Have you checked her phone? Have you seen their texts?

Tell her you should D, then start working on YOU -- exercise, etc. and work on the 180 (180 for Betrayed Spouses ) with her to help you detach. You sound a bit co-dependent like you won't have a life without her. You will and what's more it will be BETTER without this kind of hurt constantly hitting you and wondering if she will come back or if she is out banging someone else.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She wants to date without you watching to see what she’s doing.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

What do I think? I think that is some weird screwy thinking going on in her head. 

I think deep down you already know she is cheating,
You don’t deserve any of this. You need to stand up for yourself.

Oh, and whatever you do don’t get her pregnant (ever, IMO)


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Please dont believe her lies about why she wants a separation, they are all nonsense. She wants to see another man and try him out to see if she wants to be with him.
That may well be why she has left your faith, people do that when they know they are acting badly.

You are a Christian and you want children. She isnt a Christian, she doesnt want children, she lies to you and is probably cheating. She has already said she will go off every now and again, is this the life you want?

Sadly, I agree with another poster who said to tell her that if she goes thats it. The marriage is over. You may also want to do some investigating into a possible affair.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I think you should just divorce her, you will have an easier time of it in the long run. She is not irreplaceable.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

She’s needing to be single to screw and date the other guy. You’re plan B and a safe bet to pay the bills while she rides him every night. If it doesn’t work out with him and she needs you to pay the bills, she’ll come back to you until she finds another guy to try on for size.
Don’t speak to her again until you’ve served her with divorce papers. When she calls you after being served, tell her she just “found herself” with an ex husband who doesn’t tolerate bulk **** and she can go ride her ex’s **** all she wants. You’ll be looking for her replacement and enjoying your life. Bye.

But you won’t. You “looovvee “ this horrid woman who has all but said she wants to use you as she tries on new men.
You have got to find some strength or this is the same thing that will happen with the next woman you date.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I'm a big believer that everyone needs to learn to live by themselves and be self-supporting and self-sufficient in order to find out who they really are without outside influences and to become more secure in themselves that they can stand alone so that fear of change or financial failure doesn't govern their personal lives. I'm sorry to hear that you have the added complication of an old flame possibly in the picture.

I'm glad you don't have children. if you break up it will be a lot simpler to do it now before you have children whether by plan or by accident. She's smart for putting that off for now. I think the best thing you can do is let her go. I don't think three months is long enough for her to go on that journey she wants to go on though. I think a year or two is more like it.

It obviously sounds like you need to learn to be on your own and be self-sufficient and lose your fear as well.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Lostandlonely32 said:


> Summary
> 
> My wife and I have been married for 4.5 years, together for 7.5. She quit her awful job in February 2020 and then COVID hit in March. She’s been meeting with a therapist for a few years, and recently she’s started on a journey of self discovery. She’s left our shared faith (Christianity), decided she doesn’t want kids anymore (because she thinks the world is messed up and it’s not right to bring children into the world). I am still a Christian and still would like kids one day. We currently do not have any kids.
> 
> ...


First of all. Code word lesson 1-separation- definition: I need space away from you to bang other men. Commit that to memory.

Discovery herself?Hmmm....wash she lost? No. Definition of cheaterspeak: have more sexual adventures.

Your last question, “What should I do?”. First, do not beg plead, do the pick me dance and cry and whine like a weenie. Guaranteed to blow up in your face. Women respect strength, not weakness. You mention old flame..well you know damn good and well what is going on.
Secondly, tell her you want her to be happy and if she is not happy by all means move out and don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. Third: Consult a lawyer have drop papers on her ASAP, and protect yourself financially.

Counseling? Hell no at this point. Right now at this point she is in lala land looking at rainbows and unicorns. Your job if you want to save your marriage is to be indifferent, ask her to move out, and provide you an address so you can have her served.

You must be strong! Read up on and implement the 180.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Check your phone bill but you don’t have a lot of time invested so let her go.

Her words are meaningless. Look at her actions.

Wake up.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

This is gonna sound harsh but you need to hear it. You are now the backup plan for your wife. She just wants to go out and bang these other dudes, she's no longer interested in anything of yours aside from your wallet since she can't afford to live on her own. 

Here's what you need to do. Get some self respect. Now. Don't let this woman treat you like a stupid POS that she obviously thinks you are. Are you seriously considering paying for her to get a place so she can take her other dudes and have sex with them? She wants to leave, so let her go, but do NOT pay for her cheating pad. 

The next thing you need to do is to contact a divorce lawyer, tell them your story, and do every little thing they tell you to do, no matter how harsh it might seem. Your wife is seriously asking you to pay rent for her so she can bang other dudes in privacy while she keeps you around as a backup in case nothing works out with these other men. She deserves whatever your lawyer comes up with. Lawyer up!

There is no quick cure for the sadness, my friend. This sucks, there is no way getting around that. However, if you get rid of this woman that doesn't care about you, and you work on yourself a little, the sadness will go away. Build a better life for yourself.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Lostandlonely32 said:


> An old female friend of hers moved back into town and she started hanging out with this group of high school friends, including one guy she has admitted she used to have feelings for. They’ve been hanging out occasionally one on one outside of the group setting, and she has admitted to me that she has real feelings for him now. She wants to take 3 months to live separate in her own apartment to do some self-discovery and learn to live on her own (which she never did, she’s always had roommates).* I think she’s going to explore the relationship with this guys she’s been hung up on for years*. She says her main reason is self discovery and to give us both time to figure out what we want. *I’m going to help support her financially a bit as she cannot afford the apartment on her own.*


I suppose some people really did think Mexico was going to pay for the border wall too.

Even if it's not already over right now, it will be eventually. At some point you'll come around to the craziness of financing her flings with her old flame. But if might not be until you've gone through a lot of pain, and it really won't be doing her any good either. She needs to find her own way, discover what it means to be out on your own and not dependent upon somebody else. You're not letting her do that. It may sound difficult to believe but the best thing for her is that she learn what the world is really like. 

I'm putting it this way because you'll have all sorts of ways of deceiving yourself about how much you love and care for her and how things can be better when she realizes her mistakes and comes back. You're kind of hopeless that way. I know a bit of what that's like myself. But think about her and it really doesn't benefit her to have a sugar daddy she can get money from and come home to if she gets in trouble.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

What does “find yourself” mean exactly? It sounds like insight from a fortune cookie. It’s nice sounding horsesh*t. What finding yourself actually means is; I want to explore alternative relationships (cheat on you) or I am already cheating on you and I want a test drive – then I’ll decide if I’m coming back. That is truly despicable and something you don’t do to someone you love. Hell, you don’t do that to someone you hate.

I’ve never gotten the concept of separation anyway. Unless you’re a woman being abused in some way by your spouse or the kids are in danger, a separation doesn’t create an environment where you can work on things effectively (assuming that’s what you want).

Being alone can be unnerving, I get it. But there are much worse things, accepting a person who is deciding whether to abandon you in favor of someone else is one. Waiting while your heart and soul are trampled on is another – that puts you in limbo and gives the offender the keys to your life. Don’t do it.

Finding yourself and learning how to be your own person is something you do before you commit to another person in marriage. Like others have said, get her into an apartment, get the address, send the divorce papers. After that get some counseling for yourself and find someone who has already found themselves. I wish you luck friend.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

A separation with and old flame in the wings, no she's not asking you for a separation, she's asking you for a one sided open marriage so that she can have her brains banged out by the old flame and her body filled to the brim by his DNA.

Chances are she's already bumping uglies with this man and I bet you dollars to donuts that some investigation on your part will uncover at least an existing EA if not full blown PA.

Get a shark lawyer, one who specializes in men's rights in divorce, don't reign in your shark lawyer at all, co-operate with him fully and take her for everything you legally can in a divorce. DO IT NOW. She has already shown you how much she loves and respects you and that is not at all.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*@Lostandlonely32

I merged your two thread since they are on the same topic. You will get better input this way.*


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Apart from that other guy that she has strong feelings for, the following is adequate reason to split up anyway:



Lostandlonely32 said:


> She’s left our shared faith (Christianity), decided she doesn’t want kids anymore (because she thinks the world is messed up and it’s not right to bring children into the world). I am still a Christian and still would like kids one day.


If you get back with her, you are potentially agreeing to a life without children. It's not like there's a shortage in the world of women who'd like to have children. 



> She’s now telling me that she would like to do a 3 month separation living in her own apartment to “learn about herself” and figure out how to be her own person.


Yes, she needs to learn about herself and figure out what she wants. That much is right. 


> we have been crying a lot.


Time to stop that. If you want to cry, don't do it in front of her. 


> She also tells me that at the end of the 3 months she’d really like to get back together


How can she possibly predict that, if she's finding out who she is and what she wants??


> and that this could potentially be an event we do every few years if either of us needed space.


Are you OK with that? Are you being clear with her about what's acceptable to you and what isn't?


> We communicate VERY openly.


Really? Really? Like, are you very openly saying "no way" to all of this? I'm not hearing about _any _open communication in your post above. 


> I am scared to be alone in our home. .... I’m afraid I’ll be really lonely.


Then you too need to grow a bit. 


> Not only that, but our home is full of things that remind me of her.


Yeah, you may need to find a new place. Openly communicate that. "If we separate, I won't feel like staying here, I'm going to get a new place". That kind of truthful communication. 


> I’d really like to push for relationship counseling for a few weeks to see if we can work through some things and then go from there.


By all means try it. I'd say six months, with an explicit agreement up front that there's no separating or seeing the other guy while counselling is in progress. That might help. "A few weeks" is too little, and "some things" is the understatement of the year. But no counselor is going to bring back her faith or make her want children with you. 

Oh by the way, the chances are, she still wants children, just not with you. Sorry. I could be wrong.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

Hey OP, hopefully you are getting the message here.

She is an adult and you can't reasonably stop her from going so my view would be to tell her to do what she needs to do but to understand that when she leaves you will be doing the following things:

1) seeing an attorney about divorce proceedings - these can be paused when she returns.
2) changing the locks so she can't just waltz in when she feels like it
3) assuming she is cheating with this guy or others
4) being honest with friends and family if they ask about your marriage
5) booking sessions with a counsellor, she is welcome to attend if she would like.
6) setting up a new bank account to deposit your paycheck and move across 50% of your savings into it.

Then tell her that you have some conditions on her returning after 3 months:

1) she has to demonstrate to your satisfaction that she has been faithful to you.
2) clean STI test.
3) willingness to attend counselling (if not already done so).
4) agreement that you are able to spend an equivalent amount of money to what she has spent on her escapade on whatever the hell you like.
5) she cuts all ties to the guy and anyone connected to him and she demonstrates this to your satisfaction.


Please feel free to add to these lists as you wish, but I would urge you not to remove anything.

My view is that very few separations lead to reconciliation and so I'd just treat this as the first step in your divorce. Given that she has reconnected with "the one that got away" you are hopefully realising that you were her plan B all along. Don't be for a moment longer and give yourself the respect you deserve and that she is not giving you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> What does “find yourself” mean exactly? It sounds like insight from a fortune cookie. It’s nice sounding horsesh*t. What finding yourself actually means is; I want to explore alternative relationships (cheat on you) or I am already cheating on you and I want a test drive – then I’ll decide if I’m coming back. That is truly despicable and something you don’t do to someone you love. Hell, you don’t do that to someone you hate.
> 
> I’ve never gotten the concept of separation anyway. Unless you’re a woman being abused in some way by your spouse or the kids are in danger, a separation doesn’t create an environment where you can work on things effectively (assuming that’s what you want).
> 
> ...


Whenever I hear people saying they need to 'find themsleves' I want to say, just look in the mirror and there you are, sorted.
Mad statement.

Oh and OP I missed the part about how you are going to help her pay for her appartment after leaving you. What are you thinking?????Then she says so that you can 'both work out what you want to do', no, its so SHE can decide whether to be with the OM or you. I highly doubt she will return so you may end up paying her her rent for good while she dates and sleeps with other men, is that what you want?

Sometimes I truly despair at how men especially let themelves be walked all over in this sort of situation.

In your position I would say, 1)you are free to leave but if you do the marriage is over and 2) if you choose to leave the home here and find another place, you must find the money to pay for it. Please dont let her treat you this way. She is taking advantage of you.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Needing 3 months is just a cowardly way of saying, I won’t be back. She’s ripping the bandaid off very slowly and buying herself time.

What stands out to me more than anything here is that you want kids and she doesn’t. Don’t let that part of your life go. Maybe she does want children but not with you. 

I’m sorry for how you’re feeling, you must be devastated. Are you still young? Picture yourself three years from now having a baby with a woman who wants you: first choice, head-over-heels in love with you.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Geez, you're going to PAY for her to have a place to go shack up with her lover?

That's pretty bad, unless you do it as a sort of divorce strategy- which could give you exclusive use of the marital residence since she voluntarily left and established her own residence.

Maybe tell her you'll help her out financially and then once she moves and signs a lease IN HER OWN NAME you go and file the divorce papers.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I was just on another post and remembered something that someone suggested that I use. (Different issue, but try it?) 

Have you tried using the word NO? 

So when she’s talking about moving into an apartment on her own (please do not pay for her!!) and she talks about you paying rent, you say No. just no, without any explanation. 

So anytime you don’t like what you’re being asked, you just say the word NO. 

Btw, did she actually ask you to help financially support her? Or did you offer this yourself?


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I think what everyone else here thinks...she wants her own place so she can start seeing this guy and have you still support her. Um...nope. That is just not okay.

Find out how much alimony you’d have to pay if you got divorced and offer her no more than that. Then file for divorce. You deserve so much more than the crap she’s offering you.

Sorry she has turned out to be so untrustworthy. Don’t linger in this marriage hoping things get better...take back your life, heal, and go find a better woman. _hugs_


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I wouldn't allow this. She is going to try the other guy and, if it doesn't work out, come back to her second choice. Nope! I would separate immediately, let alone paying for her apartment. She has feelings for the other guy. What else do you want? Ask her to move out. She can stay at her friend's...


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## kgcolonel (Jun 28, 2018)

Lostandlonely32 said:


> I’ll try and quickly summarize our story... we have been married for 4.5 years, together for 7.5. My wife quit her terrible job in February 2020 and then Covid hit. She was stuck at home working odd jobs. During this time she did a lot of self-discovery, fell away from our shared religion (Christianity) and decided she didn’t want to have kids anymore. An old female friend of hers moved back into town and she started hanging out with this group of high school friends, including one guy she has admitted she used to have feelings for. They’ve been hanging out occasionally one on one outside of the group setting, and she has admitted to me that she has real feelings for him now. She wants to take 3 months to live separate in her own apartment to do some self-discovery and learn to live on her own (which she never did, she’s always had roommates). I think she’s going to explore the relationship with this guys she’s been hung up on for years. She says her main reason is self discovery and to give us both time to figure out what we want. I’m going to help support her financially a bit as she cannot afford the apartment on her own. She tells me she loves me and that she REALLY wants us to get back together at the end of the 3 months. Her main focus is on herself and growing so that she feels she has autonomy in the relationship, as she feels she doesn’t have an identity outside of being married.
> 
> I truly love her and want to stay with her. She’s very important to me and we’ve been through a lot together.
> 
> ...


Your wife is absolutely lying to you about her intentions. She wants to explore the other guy just as the others have said. Here are the questions for you:

Do you want a wife where she's not committed to you?
Is doing the other guy for at least 3 months (while you are subsidizing it) sound like a rational thing to agree to?
Would you advise your son (if you had one) to agree to?

My POV is that she's already crossed lines and wants more freedom to do more with the OM. I would only hope that if it were me, my response would be: *Sure, I am happy to help you pack, open the door and even help you move however....I will not be helping pay for this nor will I agree to your doing this as my wife but only as my ex-wife. I hope this works out for you. Consider my invitation non-revokable. You, by asking have told me where you are in our marriage and I deserve more than a non-committed wife. *

I would then begin packing her things and helping with locating an apartment she could afford. Now is the time to stop wasting your life with someone who isn't sure she wants to be with you.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

So many posts that say the same thing... the boundaries of a faithful spouse have already been crossed.

Spend some time understanding why your fear of being without her is so important... a person who really loves and cares for another would never put them through how you are being treated, they would end the relationship and that she won't do what she needs to do is because she doubts her desires as well.

It's easy to act on desires that come with little repercussion, don't allow her uncertainty to be yours or you will be dragged down with her.

If you don't realize she has already asked you for divorce-lite, you may not be seeing things with the understanding and clarity you need... your heart will take time to accept what your mind already knows and that is ok.

This can change you for the better if you listen to the lessons being taught to you about yourself.


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## Lostandlonely32 (Jan 22, 2021)

Thanks for the input everyone. I opened the door for an open relationship and thought I would survive that, but after several panic attacks (I have moderate-severe anxiety) I ended up confronting her and standing up for myself and telling her she could pick to stay with me or gamble on this guy and hope I didn’t move on.

...Well. This kinda worked. This old flame is a guy she has known since high school, and has seen him in passing from time to time. She confirms that she has not cheated on me, but that her intent with “discovering herself” was basically just to bang this guy. We talked more about it and her real issue is that she never got to explore herself sexually, and we don’t have sex super often because my penis bends backwards to my stomach which makes penetration difficult.

She also feels a strong connection with this guy from many moons ago. They talked and he confirmed that he has feelings for her as well. I am putting my foot down and saying that she cannot see this guy one on one anymore, and that if she wants to we will have to separate. She doesn’t want to separate because she loves me for my kindness, stability, etc. But she is also resisting NOT going back to the old flame and being friends with him. She also confirmed to me that she doesn’t think he’s emotionally ready for a real relationship, so she doesn’t think that it would turn into anything. I used a y’alls advice and said that she didn’t know how it would work out for sure after 3 months.

Currently, she is at dinner with her parents. We were originally going to announce to them our separation and ask about her staying in the rent house (instead of me paying for the apartment). But now they are just talking about what has happened the past few days. 

I don’t like the idea of Alpha/Beta males but I do appreciate the recognition that I need to have a backbone. That backbone and accountability is what initially got her interested in me and using that was beneficial.

Something else we talked about: When we dated the first time in college, we went on a single date and then she told me that she wasn’t really interested anymore. But she says after that date she had a feeling she would end up marrying me. We dated again near the end of college, and again 2 months in she knew she wanted to marry me.

I give her everything she says she wants/needs in a relationship; EXCEPT sex (her sex drive shot through the roof after she stopped taking birth control). I think if we can work through these issues and have a better sex life we can make our relationship stronger than it once was. We are scheduled to see a sex therapist in a few weeks, and I am reading Come As You Are. 

I guess my next question would be: what do y’all think? Are we on the right track? Or is the old flame just a ticking time bomb? Is there some way she can move past him without having to try and jump his bones?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Until you're divorced is filed and assets sorted, your money is half her money. It will be after it's sorted too but the difference being you can't legally withhold it from her because it's hers as much as yours if you're married regardless of who's been the breadwinner.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

Lostandlonely32 said:


> I’m going to help support her financially a bit as she cannot afford the apartment on her own.


you have got to be joking. 

buddy read the rational man and the married man sex primer by athol kay immediately. 

you have to up your masculinity and leadership role as a husband. you have a lot of work todo but should be able to grasp the basics pretty quickly. It all has to do with female nature which you do not understand. learn to take charge and STOP the nice guy routine. She doesnt want a nice guy. that's the root of your problem. Also watch the rich cooper videos on you tube. Learn Red Pill.

And dont tell her about any of this. She'll pick up on it and respond to you if you execute it properly. you can do it.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

If you think questioning your relationship is tough now, how will you build your strength when it begins to really get hard? This is about her sexual desire outside your marriage and wanting you to be an accomplice to it.

Unmindful desire does not cease until one accepts and appreciates what that have, not wishing for things outside the relationship that which breaks the relationship... you will not grow together this way.

You cannot set that for her... walking this rocky path will only end up with you sharing her relationship purgatory.

Is this how you see yourself living your life to its fullest?


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

She's planning to cheat on you with this guy and is making excuses to herself that being temporarily separated means it's not cheating. That means she is NOT committed to your marriage anymore. The proper behaviour of someone who truly loves you and values the marriage is to turn away from other people she might feel attraction to, and perhaps seek therapy to analyze why she feels a need to endanger her marriage. Not to ask for a separation so she can explore that attraction!

If she is a committed partner in your marriage, she would stay and improve it. Not run away to see if there is something better out there while cruelly holding you captive waiting for her to maybe come back.

Anyone who asks for a separation to 'find themself' but suggests they will probably come back is planning to be gone for good but trying to break the news slowly.

Tell her if she moves out instead of pursuing the therapy you've already got scheduled, you'll accept that this means she isn't interested in the marriage. Which means you will no longer fund her life.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She can’t remain friends with him in any way.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Just let her go. 
she’s already halfway out the door and you feel like she’s barely touched the doorknob because she’s talking to you. You’re in the friend zone, and in the friend zone you’ll stay until she’s sure you’re no longer useful for emotional and financial support.
I hope I’m wrong.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Well she said it herself that the only reason she stayed with you is because the other guy wasn’t emotionally ready yet...... maybe he will be ready next week


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

I don't know If someone already Said this but since i've been to a similar situation i can tell you exactly what is going on.
She doesn't want to be with you anymore but didn't say so because the other guy is not reliable. She is using you as a safehaven in case things don't work out with this other guy. If things do work out she might let you linger a little longer because of the money or Just throw you away at once.
My advice for you is going to be hard but this is what you have to do. 
1. Take ALL of her stuff and leave them at her place.
2. Block her from all medias, including her phone number.
3. Start Reading a book called "no more Mr. Nice Guy" and see if you relate to It.
4. Cut all Financial support and go Live your life away from her. 
5. Stop humiliating yourself. You deserve better. Believe me.
6. It is going to be hard so seek professional help and reach out to your family and friends. You don't see It now but you're better off without her, way better.


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

And one more thing. She is already cheating you. If It came to the point of this kind of manipulation i am sure It's happened already. She is telling you but you don't want to hear. Leave. Just leave.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Lostandlonely32 said:


> She also feels a strong connection with this guy from many moons ago. They talked and he confirmed that he has feelings for her as well. I am putting my foot down and saying that she cannot see this guy one on one anymore, and that if she wants to we will have to separate.


Sorry friend, separation does not give her license to fvck someone else. We call this infidelity. 
If she needs to sleep with him to the point she'll accept a separation, kick her to the curb - quickly.
As a man, you cannot and should not offer such a thing.

Neither one of these people respect you so give them something to respect. Tell her she needs to agree to counseling, to never see this man or utter this man's name ever again or that's the last day she'll ever see you.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Bud, empty ultimatums just get you more of what you’ve been getting.

You are keeping yourself in this for what purpose?


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

OP, your resolve is weak and you gave her half-arsed ultimatums. She has no respect for you, but isn't ready to give up on her pay-cheque yet.

Short and sweet: "Wife, if you ever speak to this man again, you will be divorced faster than you can say good-bey, hand me your phone, laptop and other devices plus all your social media and device passwords, NOW, if I find out you cheated, we are as good as divorced and any further talk of separation will end in divorce."

Tell her the above and be willing to follow through, but only if you really want to give the marriage a chance.

Personally I think you would be better off just telling her: "We are divorcing, don't let the door hit you in the backside on your way out."


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

OP, this is not a very good base for a successful marriage.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

Well, thanks for the update. At least you know how she feels about you (wallet on legs)!

She admitted she lied to you and was all set to bang this guy in an apartment you were paying for. She has admitted that she is only with you for stability (financial I would bet).

Her choices about her sex life before she chose to marry you are her problem. She can't use that as any sort of leverage on you. Reminder her that she is an adult and made a commitment to you of her own free will when she married you. She is either in or out, no in between.

Personally I think you have more than enough here to know that it will only be a matter of time before she does cheat and that your marriage is not one that is mutually loving.

So you can either tread water for a few years or bite the bullet now and move on before she takes even more of your money while she bangs other guys.

Sorry to be blunt but that is really it. The conversation you had was not the positive thing you think, particularly for your marriage.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Just another thought, why did you even consider an open marriage? You know that unless you are an exceptionally attractive man, have a wallet which size is measured in feet or have kissed the Blarney-Stone and it took, open marriages always ends badly for the man. A man has to have recourses and even then has to work hard at getting laid, all a woman has to do is show up and be willing.

In your case, she already has a man lined up that she is most probably already banging. She gets to be railed by whoever she wants, what would you get out of the deal? Slippery seconds and stories of her evening out that would make you want to puke while you sit member in hand getting maybe 1 willing woman every 3-6 months and she's out doing the horizontal-mambo on the daily and twice on Sunday with her "special friend" and whomsoever she wants including his buddy each at their own end of her while high-fiving one another?

Do you really want to be snow-brothers, with your consent with the man who currently would steal your wife and others that would inject their STDs and DNA gladly while laughing at her weak husband who has to slip into their waste just to get some from his own wife?

No, I hope you didn't tell her you even considered this, because that would have destroyed any minute respect she might have had left for you.

I am sorry for being harsh, but it is time to find your inner cave-man, get mad-so mad that you see nothing but red and use that rage to put an end to her ******** or bow out and get the hell out of this detritus-ridden situation.

Perhaps the best option would be to get mad, realize how immoral and useless your wife is to you, tell her what you think of her sewer level morals and character and take out the garbage for good (divorce), with self-respect and dignity (the two things you are currently throwing away for the chance that the harpy would keep you).

It's time to roar because whimpering never ends well for a man, it's called the pick me dance and it repulses women. The absolute only way to save your marriage now is to detach from her and be absolutely willing to burn the whole thing to the ground without giving her an inch in the direction of her extra-marital desires. In order to be able to stay, you must now be be absolutely willing to walk away and never speak to her again. That would be the only way to regain even a measure of respect and love from her.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Lostandlonely32 said:


> Thanks for the input everyone. I opened the door for an open relationship and thought I would survive that, but after several panic attacks (I have moderate-severe anxiety) I ended up confronting her and standing up for myself and telling her she could pick to stay with me or gamble on this guy and hope I didn’t move on.
> 
> ...Well. This kinda worked. This old flame is a guy she has known since high school, and has seen him in passing from time to time. She confirms that she has not cheated on me, but that her intent with “discovering herself” was basically just to bang this guy. We talked more about it and her real issue is that she never got to explore herself sexually, and we don’t have sex super often because my penis bends backwards to my stomach which makes penetration difficult.
> 
> ...


If you agree to them seeing each other, I think it would be a matter of time until they do the deed. She was not honest worth you at first, so why would she be now?

If your sexual problems are yours and medical, that’s hard. Do what you can to work through them. Also your anxiety. All you can work on is you.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

She needs to fully block him in every way for this to even come close to working..not just a one-on-one moratorium. If she can agree to that and stick to it, your guys' chances go up.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Lostandlonely32 said:


> I am putting my foot down and saying that she cannot see this guy one on one anymore, and that if she wants to we will have to separate.
> . . . .
> But she is also resisting NOT going back to the old flame and being friends with him.


So how do you reconcile these two statements? You've "_put your foot down"_ and said that if she keeps seeing him, you'll separate. She's insisting she wants to keep him as a friend, even though she admits she wanted to bang him. So .... what logically follows?


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## kgcolonel (Jun 28, 2018)

Lost, Here is what I hear you recapping:
You think you have put your foot down by:
"You can't see him one on one"....while it should be "he has to be out of your life."
She is resistant to the restriction from seeing him.....she is telling you that she wants him and values you for your stability (place to live), financial support (money to fund her infidelity) and most likely her reputation. 

What do you get from this? You get a wife who prefers another man to you, uses you as a financier to her means to betray the marriage vows, and to cuckold you. 

Let's play this out a bit....let's say you give her the 90 days...so she and her boy toy go to dinner, they happen to cross paths with one of your buddies, how is that going to make you feel when your buddy calls you and your only response is, "yeah I know, I told her she could". The he asks, Can I?

She is showing and telling you who she is in her reluctance in committing to the marriage and her reluctance in giving up the other guy. Please follow up with her parents to ensure she is not re-writting history with a false version of what is happening. I'd bet a healthy amount that this is what is going on during her visit. You should let her and her parents know that because she has doubts about her commitment to the marriage, you deserve more and are moving on by filing divorce. She has until the D is final to convince you different, not by word but by actions.

Man....she's playing you here....I know you don't want to see this but that is definitely what is happening. Sorry buddy...


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He is absolutely being played, and allowing his emotions overcome logic.
I know it, because I once did it myself for 4 days. It hurts. I went from three kids and a wife, what I thought was a happy family, to seeing my kids half the time, struggling to pay my bills, and wondering if the ex would somehow have me living in a box. It’s scary. It’s hurtful. It ruins your self esteem and makes you illogically think you’ll never find someone else.

Here’s the truth:

Some things a man just can’t ignore.
Fear will pass when one finally chooses a direction.
If one person can fall in love with you, there are others that can, too.
Losing a cheater is a gift, not a curse. It just seems that way at first.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Stop offering to pay her way - while she goes out to screw another man!

she can get a job! She can also collect unemployment. It’s no longer your responsibility to pay her way while she is betraying you.

she wants to play around with another man - divorce her! She isn’t marriage material! Be glad you don’t have kids! Do NOT have unprotected sex with her!


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