# I want a long lasting marriage



## ready4peace

I've been married for 2 years and my husband and I are having serious problems that we can't figure out. About 6 months ago I discovered he had an EA. The trust is so hard to build back because I feel like he isn't there for me emotionally. He wants me to just get over it and I can't. Can our marriage be saved?


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## Deejo

Can it be saved? Most definitely.

Is it worth saving and will you feel happy and fulfilled? Therein lies the problem.

If you can't figure out the issues together, you're being foolish by avoiding therapy. In my opinion, there is actually a very narrow window where therapy has a high chance of success. Don't miss it.


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## Conrad

Deejo said:


> Can it be saved? Most definitely.
> 
> Is it worth saving and will you feel happy and fulfilled? Therein lies the problem.
> 
> If you can't figure out the issues together, you're being foolish by avoiding therapy. In my opinion, there is actually a very narrow window where therapy has a high chance of success. Don't miss it.


I'm curious about this narrow window.

Please tell me about it.


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## Deejo

Conrad said:


> I'm curious about this narrow window.
> 
> Please tell me about it.


Deciding therapy is a good idea before deciding if moving out, or screwing somebody else is a good idea 

By the time most couples agree to go to counseling, the damage is done, and one or both are firmly entrenched in resentment.


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## wishfulnelly

I have been married 12 years. At the beginning of our relationship he cheated and I havent been able to get over it. I dont think he would ever do it again but that he did it to this day hurts me and our current relationship. We should have got some kind of couseling i think. I trust him so I am half way there. The hurt I think at this point i cant get over becaue we have been together so long, I feel like he just did it to me yesterday.


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## LGSL

I recently read somewhere that in order to forgive your partner, you need to know that they

a) understand how they hurt you
b) understand how you feel
c) that they show remorse

You might want to consider some couples counseling.


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## Dr. Rockstar

ready4peace said:


> The trust is so hard to build back because I feel like he isn't there for me emotionally. He wants me to just get over it and I can't. Can our marriage be saved?


Just out of curiosity, is there ANYTHING he could do that would earn back your trust? Something where you could say, "If he would do *X*, I know that I'd be able to trust him again." I've observed that in these kinds of situations that it really comes down to the victim NEVER being able to forgive the spouse because they really don't know what forgiveness would look like to them, and the spouse gets frustrated because they're being asked to jump through hoops to earn forgiveness, but they're not told where the hoops are.

If you can define what forgiveness and trust in a way that you can accept and your husband has a chance of achieving, it might give you both a better chance of succeeding.


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## Rough Patch Sewing

I would love to comment on this thread. I want to add my perspective but I am not sure if it has been abandoned for a month. Anyway, my questions are these: 12 years ago or however, long ago, was your husband scared out of his mind about the consequences of his affair? Did he confess openly everything that happened? Did he show remorse for how badly he hurt you? Does he know and care that you still feel the pain of the betrayal? Was he and is he still sorry for what he did? It sounded like he just wants to sweep the problem under the rug. Is this true?

Maybe these are the things that he needs to show and do for you to trust him again. Maybe then it will be easier to forgive him and not feel the pain of the affair "as if it happened yesterday".


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## risha

Great reply! We have to work on the relationship on a daily-basis..thanks for the eye-opener!


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## MarioH

ready4peace said:


> I've been married for 2 years and my husband and I are having serious problems that we can't figure out. About 6 months ago I discovered he had an EA. The trust is so hard to build back because I feel like he isn't there for me emotionally. He wants me to just get over it and I can't. Can our marriage be saved?


Yes, it can be saved of course, and if you don't have any kids then your situation is a lot 'better' then others in the same situation but with kids. Try everything to solve those problems, give it 6 months or so, and if nothing works out, just split and start a new life - don't waste your time (both of you), life is too short and too precious. It isn't easy I know, give it any chance you can, but limit it in time (6 months or so) – I think it is the best choice for both of you.


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## Riverside MFT

While my view is biased, I believe that couples counseling can be extremely valuable. Going to counseling at an early stage in your marriage can help you strengthen (or rebuild) your marital foundation. 

Yes it is absolutlely possible to overcome the effects of an affair. Many people on this forum have witnessed that first hand from their own lives. I have witnessed it first hand from the therapeutic standpoint.


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