# Do I have hope for reconciliation?



## elmo (Jun 21, 2010)

I have been married to my wife for 6.5 years and we have two children age 4 and 12. The 12 year old is my step-daughter by marriage. I love and cherish my wife with all my heart and my children. My world is shattering before my very eyes. We come from a Christian home and my wife has always had such strong values. In 08 my step-daughter started middle school and thus began having attitudes with me. It was a constant struggle to get her to do things and if I would try discipline, my wife would say quit being mean to her, show her respect and she will show you respect. Now my step-daughters biological father has nothing to do with her and does not care. I have often felt that my wife made me feel to blame for his short-comings. In 09 my wife was diagnosed with possible female cancer and began to shut me out both emotionally and physically. She went through a total hysterectomy in June 09. I would try to reach out to talk to her about the emotional distancing and our lack of intimacy and she would take defense and state I was pointing out her inadequacies when I was only trying to reach out to her. We have not had sexual relations since March 09 in any way shape or form. Her emotional distancing after the hysterectomy kept getting worse toward me to the point of my feeling emotionally abused. After the hysterectomy she stated to me that although there was peace in her home, there was a huge storm inside of her, that she felt like constantly crying. She stated the simple thought of physical intimacy gave her panic attacks, and made her want to curl up in a ball and disappear. She stated she could not stand to be touched. Now since she has went through the hysterectomy her doctor has only put her on birth control and Wellebutrin anti-depresants. No form of hormone therapy was even offered and when I would make suggestions she would get extremely angry with me. I kept trying to reach her emotionally and she would simply push me away and avoid me. She was wrapping herself around her family. Two months ago a childhood friend of hers and her families came into visit. She and her family had not seen him in 13 years. I found out shortly after he left town some alarming things on her facebook. She and him had been exchanging graphic sexual comments for two months prior to his visit and they had kept exchanging messages of this nature up to one month after he left. I never noticed anything out of the ordinary between the two of them while he was here visiting. I questioned her about the messages and she became nausious and got defensive and kept stating it was a joke that they had use to do that years ago and even her sister joked like that with him. I left it alone and simply said O.K. because I love her so much and took my marriage vows to heart. She kept being emotionally distant from me and stating she did not know if she wanted to be married, which was breaking my heart. These messages I found between the 2 of them did not make since because she stated previously just weeks ago that the thought of physical intimacy gave her panic attacks and scared the hell out of her. Just one week after I asked her about the messages, she came to me with a cold unemotional look and said she had seen a lawyer, filed for a divorce, and did not love me anymore. I begged and pleaded and everything else imaginable. My world was falling apart and has been ever since. I do not want divorce and I can forgive her for anything. I don't want my children to grow up in single parent household or to be subject to an outsider. I keep praying for a miracle and reconciliation. The day she told me about the divorce, she stated that my actions had become peculiar and it scared her. I told her that My actions of recent were normal because I was reaching out to her just to be close to her for I feared I was losing her. Now my wife has always been involved with Church and has had strong Christian values. Since the diagnosis and surgery, she has not been very active in church and I have always asked her to go. I love her so much, I could die for her and my children. Can someone help me, any advice. She has left voluntarily and moved in with her parents taking the kids. The only child I get to see is my biological son. This is tearing me apart. Do I have any hope for reconciliation? Any perspectives?


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## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

facebook is evil and also the point where my stb-xw started having an EA which eventually turned into a PA with an old neighbor we had not seen in 12 years. My advice would be to keep an open mind and give her space. Keep the faith. It takes two to reconcile and nothing you do will make her come around. She has to decide that for herself. 

Unfortunately for me 9 months later and my stb-xw has taken things from bad to worse to ludicrous. I do not wish this on anyone and hope your situation has a better outcome. Keep posting - it helps.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Facebook is not evil:scratchhead:...it is how one uses it, like anything...the phone is 'evil' if you look at it like that..


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## Tiredofthedrama (Jun 6, 2010)

You can't deny that modern forms of communication seem to have made having an EA a lot easier than it used to be.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

I in fact believe modern technology to be the number one reason people stray from their spouse..it is a marriage killer if allowed to be.


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## elmo (Jun 21, 2010)

I must agree. But yet I cling to hope and faith that my wife will wake up, come home with our children, and face issues that exist instead of running. I cannot help but to think the issues she's been going through with our daughter for the past 2 years and the issues with the trauma of facing major surgery and nearly dying on the operating table and the hysterectomy with no hormone therapy has played a part of her rash decision and her emotional disconnect from me. Am confused, she claimed for months that she suffers from chronic headaches, nausea, could not stand to be touched, constantly said she felt like her skin was crawling and was so irritable with me. She stated that the thought of physical intimacy made her have panic attacks. She stated that while there was peace in her home, there was a storm going on inside her and that all she felt like doing was crying. 3 months pryer to her leaving and filing for divorce, she began wearing bras to bed stating her breasts stayed tender. She would make any excuse to sleep downstairs or stay at her mothers. I broke my heart. Then after stating this stuff, I found the facebook messages that were explicit and insunuated the two of them had sex encounter. It makes no sense. She has stated for months that she has no sex drive, the thought of it scares the hell out of her and has showed all of these symptoms. Yet the messages. Am clueless and looking for answers. She always had great values that were family centered and for her to want to split family which affects the children emotionally is beyond me. We have talked very little since she left and filed divorce 3 weeks ago. I was served papers that claimed emotional abuse, unhealthy living conditions on the grounds or irrecroncilable differences and the papers stipulated that her intentions were to cut me and take everything, my very life. I could not believe this and was forced to get my own attorney. Now the truth is about me that I am a very loving and affectionate husband. I put my wife on a pedistal and trusted her with everything including totla control of our finances which I have found since she left to be a complete mess. We will be lucky if we are not facing bankrupcty through this. Nothing makes since. I have never emotionally, physically abused my wife or children. In fact, I have always showere them with gifts, complements, support and love. She states that her decision makes her at peace and happy. How could she be happy living out of a suitcase with our 2 children at her parents home.


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