# I don't think my marriage (3yrs) is worth saving?



## Anonymous456 (Nov 3, 2016)

My husband and I are young both under 25. (we have a 2 year old)

*When I was a few months pregnant I found out he would check out girls on FB even a close friend. he was having a flirting relationship with a co-worker that ended. He closed down his FB and to this day doesn't have one. He gained my trust< 3 yrs ago 

*In our first apartment I noticed he was being quite friendly with 2 co-workers at his job. walking together to class after work(we were still in college).I told him this made me uneasy and to keep the friendship at work and to not continue the friendship with a certain girl after work hours. he did so & gained my trust.<<< 1.5 years ago. 

*Yesterday I found out that he had been going out to eat for 3 weeks with a group of co-workers which I meet in the past both girls&boys. And that didn't bother me I was actually happy he had fun. But then I found out the girl I told him to keep away from was part of it. I felt so upset. And it wasn't the girl, it was the fact that he was being sneaky about it. When he would mention the lunch he never mentioned her and that this went on and even planned on this weekend lunch. I confronted him about and he said sorry and that he didn't say because he thought I be upset and no longer was gonna go to this lunch 
*I feel like I can't trust him years down the line. I'm not the jealous kind. I never check his phone, email and hardly check up on finances. 
- I been loyal and kept my word when he felt insecure about guys in the past. I feel hurt


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## Rockclimber (Nov 1, 2016)

Many alpha men do this when they are young, he is insecure with himself and looking to feel better about himself. He also has a lot of testosterone and will get away with what he can get away with. I would simply give him an ultimatum and let him know that your trust is lost. Do not withhold sex as it will make the situation worse, do not withhold affection or try to get revenge as this pushes us men away more. Work on yourself by dieting and hitting the gym, if you are attractive to him (Obviously you are as he married you) and you have given him an ultimatum that he respects you will work it out the first few years. 
The odds of him cheating sound high so don't let your guard down. I would check his phone records etc. and if he pushes back hard you know you cant trust him. If he is serious about the relationship he will do as he has done in the past, stop looking at other women on Facebook, secret meetings, etc. Sorry to hear this but a ton of people go through this, men can be dogs and will get away with what they can get away with. Check the phone and email.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Anonymous456 said:


> I'm not the jealous kind.


I beg to differ. You have told him to stay away from certain girls despite there being no evidence whatsoever that something inappropriate is going on. 

If not jealousy then insecurity for sure. Could be justified but nothing you've written supports that.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Anonymous456 said:


> My husband and I are young both under 25. (we have a 2 year old)
> 
> *When I was a few months pregnant I found out he would check out girls on FB even a close friend. he was having a flirting relationship with a co-worker that ended. He closed down his FB and to this day doesn't have one. He gained my trust< 3 yrs ago
> 
> ...


It is a solvable problem. The problem is that individuals need to convene with updated mind maps and address the concern in a way that is a hurdle, not a mountain.

"oh my god, how could you do this" is not something that can be resolved.


Try something like this:
I am upset because you kept secrets from me. I wasn't given the ability to have input or be upset. I am going to be upset, but it will be for the better if we put things out on the table. I'd rather be upset about you wanting to have a meal with your group of friends (and her), than the whole charade of the secretive nature that you conducted. I might get upset, but I love you and I want you to talk to me.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Rockclimber said:


> Many alpha men do this when they are young, he is insecure with himself and looking to feel better about himself. He also has a lot of testosterone and will get away with what he can get away with. I would simply give him an ultimatum and let him know that your trust is lost. Do not withhold sex as it will make the situation worse, do not withhold affection or try to get revenge as this pushes us men away more. Work on yourself by dieting and hitting the gym, if you are attractive to him (Obviously you are as he married you) and you have given him an ultimatum that he respects you will work it out the first few years.
> The odds of him cheating sound high so don't let your guard down. I would check his phone records etc. and if he pushes back hard you know you cant trust him. If he is serious about the relationship he will do as he has done in the past, stop looking at other women on Facebook, secret meetings, etc. Sorry to hear this but a ton of people go through this, men can be dogs and will get away with what they can get away with. Check the phone and email.



What is this alpha sh*t, what you describe is being insecure and pathetic, nothing alpha about it. He is married man his primary concern it to take care of his family, his wife, I knew that when I was his age, though I wasn't even married. That is being an alpha. If doesn't have the emotional strength to control his fear and insecurity then he is not ready to be married. Sorry but you disrespect all men when you refer to this behavior as being and alpha.

As for OP, you need to talk to him about his secrets. But if he keeps going out and lying to you then then those are some really big red flags. On the other hand he is going to be around other woman, that doesn't make him a cheat. Youth and testosterone have nothing to do with it, its all about character. Character is what makes a good marriage, sounds like he may be lacking.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

sokillme said:


> But if he keeps going out and lying to you then then those are some really big red flags. On the other hand he is going to be around other woman, that doesn't make him a cheat. Youth and testosterone have nothing to do with it, its all about character. Character is what makes a good marriage, sounds like he may be lacking.


I'm not condoning the lying but maybe this is all innocent but he's afraid she's going to read him the riot act if he goes out with a group of friends because this is the established pattern with her. If he conforms to her ways and stops spending time with some of these girls (in a group setting) then he's going to resent her because she's being clingy, controlling and insecure. Assuming of course he's not hiding anything more sinister.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

browser said:


> I'm not condoning the lying but maybe this is all innocent but he's afraid she's going to read him the riot act if he goes out with a group of friends because this is the established pattern with her. If he conforms to her ways and stops spending time with some of these girls (in a group setting) then he's going to resent her because she's being clingy, controlling and insecure. Assuming of course he's not hiding anything more sinister.


I agree with this to an extent. It is really hard to tell because we only have OP's opinion. I am not saying he is necessarily doing wrong by going out, he is however wrong to promise to stay away if he has no intention of following through. I am also not saying they are done. I am saying they both need to deal with this situation. MC may be a good option. He needs to be able to be around woman without her being afraid, but the one on one stuff should stop.


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