# Sexless relationship



## NeedsImprovement (May 13, 2010)

First time poster here..

Ok I am getting married in 5 months to a wonderful woman. We share so much in common and love each other tremendously. I work two jobs and she works full time. The problem is we hardly have sex. We probably get it in once a week sometimes not. Most of the time it is a friday night and she usually unwinds with a few drinks on friday. I'm thinking the only reason we have sex is the alcohol makes her horny. I can't remember the last time we had complete sober(HER) sex although it was most likely a Saturday or Sunday morning when we didn't have to rush out of the house to work. I want to have sex during the week sometimes and ALWAYS get the "Not tonight baby" or the "I'm tired". ALWAYS! I also cant remember the last time she took me in her hands and initiated it. I try my hardest to do everything I can to possibly put in her the mood. I clean the house, make dinner, do dishes, get her things from upstairs/downstairs etc etc. I actually feel Im being used for this. For her to hold out on me week in week out is not fair. I try talking to her about it but she gets upset or mad and the conversation ends. Any suggestions on how I can respark her flame?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

NeedsImprovement said:


> Any suggestions on how I can respark her flame?


Yes, but you're not going to like it.

First I would like to ask you a question. Please be honest. Please explain why you are so committed to her that you want to marry her even though she is not very attracted to you?

Surely you must realise that right now, she is on her "best behaviour". After marriage, you will be lucky to get it 6 times a year.


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## NeedsImprovement (May 13, 2010)

You know I never really thought about it that way. I guess I figured she had to be attracted to me if she was with me, any real ways besides lack of sex I can use to determine if she is in fact not attracted to me?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

NeedsImprovement said:


> You know I never really thought about it that way. I guess I figured she had to be attracted to me if she was with me, any *real *ways besides lack of sex I can use to determine if she is in fact not attracted to me?


How real do you want? You need to be thinking of the Animal Kingdom, and the answers will come. Attraction is 90% sexual.

But you still did not answer my original question.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

you have 3 choices...ask her if after you're married will you have sex more often (maybe she's the type that really wants to be married first)...ask her does she find you sexually attractive (watch her body language)...or just don't say anything and take the chance of a sexless marriage...my wife decided to have more sex after we got married unfortunately it wasn't with me..J/K..but it doesn't seem like you two make a marrying couple.


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## NeedsImprovement (May 13, 2010)

marktwain to answer your question. I am commited to this woman because she is truly amazing. She makes me laugh like I never have before, she makes me want to be a better person and I am constantly becoming that better person. She treats me well in almost every aspect of our lives besides not being intimate frequently. She brought to me a happiness I have never had before and we have such fun together. She can cook like a pro, she has a smile that gives me the chills everyday when I see it. I am in love with her.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

If you think marrying her will be different, you're sadly mistaken. I agree with MT on that point, but I can't agree necessarily that she is not attracted to you. She is with you and has agreed to marry you, so obviously there is attraction. Attraction in what areas I cannot define, only she can. However, she is not attracted to you sexually. I contend a sexually satisfied woman wants to participate, provided there are no other problems in the relationship that turn her off to you sexually. Conversely, a woman who does not get the attention she needs doesn't want to be bothered because she feels there is nothing in it for her. Similar to the way you feel in some respects, a woman also does not wish to feel used or reduced to an object in bed. I am very sorry if that comes as hard news to you.

It sounds like you have some exploring to do, and you and she need to do some serious talking. One thing for you to explore is the fact that you work two jobs. I don't know exactly how demanding that schedule is but if what I imagine is correct, then there is no way you can possibly give her the attention she needs, nor can you meet her needs in any other way - not just sexually but no way at all.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Susan you seem very wise..wish I had read your posts a few years ago


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

To take up Suzan's point, I am not saying there is NO attraction, I'm just saying it is not red hot.

Read my article on women who don't want sex to see if you're type is on the list: Sexless Marriage?

However, I need to update that article. I have since discovered that for some the Pill does not help with libido.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Read "mating in captivity". Constantly being at her beck and call - subtly but steadily radiating a desire to have sex with her is a TURN OFF for most women. 

Are you disciplined enough to focus more of your energy and time AWAY from her. There is a trick to this - while with her you need to be engaged and friendly and fun/upbeat. But be stronger in a playful manner. When she asks you to get her something from the kitchen - just smile and laugh - and say - while you are in there getting "whatever she asked you for" - be a doll and grab me an ice water - I am feeling a little thirsty. 

This doesn't mean be a jerk/being lazy - not doing your fair share. It means changing the power dynamic. It also means having the balls to do a "reset" on the relationship. 

I think you can honestly tell her that while she is definitely the woman for you - her behavior reflects some question as to whether YOU ARE THE MAN FOR HER. Say this calmly and look her in the eye. Show no fear and no anxiety. If she tries to make you the "bad guy" for focusing on sex - just look confused and say "that is just a symptom - the real issue is love - when I have been with women who really love me - they have a strong desire to connect with me on all levels including physically and also have a much stronger desire to please ME than you do"

If you don't address this now - it WILL get worse. 

I have NEVER once read a story on here about a woman who became MORE sexually interested after marriage. Lots of stories about less sex/desire after marriage but none with more. 

But before you hit her with that conversation - you need to be more assertive and less available for at least a couple weeks. 





NeedsImprovement said:


> marktwain to answer your question. I am commited to this woman because she is truly amazing. She makes me laugh like I never have before, she makes me want to be a better person and I am constantly becoming that better person. She treats me well in almost every aspect of our lives besides not being intimate frequently. She brought to me a happiness I have never had before and we have such fun together. She can cook like a pro, she has a smile that gives me the chills everyday when I see it. I am in love with her.


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