# breaking the habit of spying on my ex



## FrustratedFL

I need some help breaking the habit of spying on my ex. 

My divorce was final on May 7th after 2+ years of separation. I kicked my ex out after the second affair and his negative MLC. 

I admit - I waited for a long time for him to get his life in order and apologize to me and my daughter for hurting us so badly. That never came. I was seeing his twitter and yelp and facebook posting and it made me furious. I filed for divorce and started to put my life in order without him. The divorce was hard - ending a 17 yr marriage.

My ex and his affair tramp broke up and ex started seeing a new person (sugar mama who likes the fine things in life - 50 yr old woman with no kids) about 8 months ago. they BOTH frequently post on Yelp and facebook with the places they visit. I have become very angry with these posts since he hardly ever pays his child support and is ALWAYS telling me he is broke. 

Meanwhile, I have paid for everything, lawyer, mortgages, utilities, child's every need, etc.

I just saw his posts that he is in Key West at a five star resort with his new sugar mama and I am pissed, hurt, angry and looking at my checking account with $240 till payday. 

I certainly did not deserve to be cheated on. I certainly did not expect my self esteem to hit an all time low while this cheater who completely abandoned his family drinks ****tails from his ocean front suite. 

I know I will get eventually get over the spying and anger but it hurts to know this man has no remorse for what he has done to the people that he "claimed" to love so much.

I guess I will wait for the ball to drop with his new sugar mama.


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## norajane

What have you done so far to try to break your spying habit? Have you at least deleted him from your facebook, twitter, etc.? Can you stop using social media altogether?

Are you deliberately seeking him out?


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## Openminded

Obviously you can't control what happens in his life. And reading about it doesn't help. Practice a little more detachment every day by cutting down the spying one Internet glance at a time. Reward yourself when you succeed.


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## Pamvhv

I'm so very into social media (I just love it) and this has been a problem for me too. Taking him off my FB was SO HARD but once I did it I realize I felt better.


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## FrustratedFL

I have deleted him from FB and twitter. But his privacy setting still allow public to see. I am trying to detach but it is has become very difficult for me when I get in a mood where I am stressed about money or feeling low. 

I am a very loyal person and have an issue with anyone who walks away from their obligations yet is vacationing and spending money and enjoying themselves.

I know I have an issue with severing ties. I am super close to my in laws and all the kids. I have no family in Florida other than my daughter and these people were/are my family for the last 20 years. 

Today has been a hard day for me and I caved into curiosity. 

Tomorrow will be better but today I will admit DIVORCE SUCKS


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## 6301

Until you put your anger and hatred to rest with him your never going to get over with. 

You might have $240.00 in your bank account but it's yours, and you might not be living like royalty but at least you got the one person making your life hell out of the way and if you want a change in your life, then you need to stop the hating and just be glad he's not there anymore taking advantage of you any longer. 

I've been married twice and couldn't give a tinkers damn what my ex was doing just so long as it didn't effect my kids and since you kid is with you, then you got the best of the deal.


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## FrustratedFL

6301 - very true. Thanks for your comments. 

I am extremely happy I have my daughter. I won sole custody of her do to his indiscrections and the criminals he was associating with.

Funny I am texting with his sister now about the beach week we are planning with the kids and I NEVER bring up his name nor discuss him. I guess I need to be more strict with myself as far as talking /thinking about him as I am with everyone else.


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## ne9907

You will detach when you are ready.
I often spied on ex through FB. I gained great insight into his single world. This insight helped me heal.


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## norajane

ne9907 said:


> You will detach when you are ready.
> I often spied on ex through FB. *I gained great insight into his single world. This insight helped me heal.*


That's a great perspective.

Frustrated, can you try and use the information as a way to heal? Instead of getting angry and frustrated when you see his fruity drink updates, can you see each update as a reminder of how lucky you are to be free of his freeloading ass? You now see him for what he is; this is just more confirmation that you did the right thing to move on. If you can see it that way, after a while, you just won't care anymore.


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## FrustratedFL

norajane - Yes - very true. I hope to move on from this experience and know that his updates, life and lack of caring really speaks volumes of his truth. 

Our divorce was finalized 2 months ago and although we were separated, divorce is a new mindset that I am getting used to. 

My biggest support was my sister who just moved to Las Vegas last month and although I love my daughter, she is a typical 14 yr old and spends most of her time in her room.  

I am struggling to find myself after being married for a long time. I know I will bounce back and rock on.. I am in a bit of a pit right now. 

Jealousy, anger, sadness and frustration have taken over my current emotional string and I am being honest to admit my struggles!


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## happy as a clam

Have his a$$ thrown in jail for contempt of court/failure to pay child support. Then you won't have to look at his stupid vacation posts.

I'm sorry you are going through this.


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## Rowan

A handful of screen captures of his luxury vacation updates might go some ways in getting the court to garnish his paycheck - or place a lien on any property he has if he's not employed - for the child support he owes you. You might consider calling your attorney about that aspect of things.


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## Jellybeans

You just have to make a decision to stop looking up his posts. It's really that simple. You already see how it's harming you and not allowing you to truly get to a place where you have moved on. 2+ years post-separation/divorce is a long time to still be doing this.

You are hurting yourself.


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## Pluto2

I admit to looking at the ex's FB from time-to-time as sort of recognizance. It gave me the head's up that he was up for his current job and after doing dome sleuthing I found the employer's name and address. That information allowed me to get a garnishment action to collect child support. In all honesty social services doesn't have the time or manpower to do much investigating, and my money for private attorneys' fees is all gone.

I did have to wade through pictures with him and different OW and I'll be honest it hurt more than I thought. Then, you tell yourself these are the choices he's made and the garnishment is one of the consequences. He was furious that I "embarrassed" him at work, but apparently not supporting his children didn't keep him up at night. 

Now you have a vivid picture of what he's doing. So what are you going to do with the knowledge? You can be angry and hurt which will not help you or your children, or you can act. Drag his butt before a judge and have him explain how he pays for those vacations while he abandons his children.


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## nice777guy

happy as a clam said:


> Have his a$$ thrown in jail for contempt of court/failure to pay child support. Then you won't have to look at his stupid vacation posts.


Is this a possibility? Is he paying support?

If he's paying the proper amounts on time, you just need to learn to let it go.


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## 3Xnocharm

norajane said:


> That's a great perspective.
> 
> Frustrated, can you try and use the information as a way to heal? Instead of getting angry and frustrated when you see his fruity drink updates, can you see each update as a reminder of how lucky you are to be free of his freeloading ass? You now see him for what he is; this is just more confirmation that you did the right thing to move on. If you can see it that way, after a while, you just won't care anymore.


Agreed...remember that all this stuff he is doing is on HER dime, he isnt doing a damn thing for himself. He is nothing without a woman to fund him. You are way better than that. 

I admit that I spy on my ex now and then. I was super pissed when I saw that he gifted himself a fancy new $1100 grill just three days before his bankruptcy hearing, while paying me NONE of the money that he owes me from the divorce agreement.  He blocked me on FB after I confronted him with that bullsh!t. (I can still see him though on another account, LOL!)


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## WolverineFan

Thank you for your post and for admitting your struggle. I have been divorced for five years and I am still not over it. One of the most helpful things I ever did was to attend a _Divorce Recovery_ group. Many churches host these groups and they can be found pretty easy by just googling it. 

Your pain and heartache will lighten up as you move forward day-by-day and that's really the best advice I can give. Realizing that spying on your ex-husband never produces any positive emotions for your life can be a foundation to build on in order to break this pattern of behavior. Besides, the pain you feel when you do this activity still gives him power to hurt you while it has no effect upon him, that in itself should empower you to break the pattern as well.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. The last thing I want to say is that isolation is a killer when you go through a divorce. Invest yourself into other healthy relationships (key word being "healthy") which will help alleviate loneliness. You are a valuable and indispensable person in this world. Let your self-esteem come from the fact that you were created distinct and with a purpose. God's love is never based on how another selfish human being decides to treat you. You are loved! Blessings.


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## FrustratedFL

Thanks Wolverine and 3x for your comments.

My anger and hurt are pretty apparent. Today, I called a counselor to talk through things. I call her from time to time when I realize I am not moving forward as expected. I know I need help with moving on and know I am struggling. 

Funny - I was much stronger a few months ago than I am now. I guess the finality of the order and the "official" child support disbursement from the State of Fl has caused me to backtrack my emotions. 

That plus my only relative moving this month out of state brought me back to a very vulnerable stage. 

It is funny how some people move on very easily and others struggle through stages. Although I am one of the strongest women I know who is self sufficient, reliable and action taker - I am also one of these people that has struggled at each phase of the divorce grieving process. 

I blindly trusted and loved unconditionally but really now know that was a stupid mistake. I should have been more guarded or observant of my surroundings and been aware that I was not a priority in my spouses life. 

I guess I am pissed that my daughter is not a priority either or is behind his sugar mama and his outtings. 

my Child Support is paid to the state @ $759 a month. He is $2755 in arrears at this point. 

I am taking steps to not look any longer on his pages or searches. Put reminders in my office too!


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## happy as a clam

FrustratedFL said:


> my Child Support is paid to the state @ $759 a month. He is $2755 in arrears at this point...


Ok... so what are you going to do about THIS? Can you take him back to court? Put out a warrant for his arrest, contempt of court?

No way would I just let him to refuse to pay while he takes expensive vacations.

Personally I WOULD continue to look at the sites, document everything, print off all the pics, all the ways he is spending money, give it all to the judge.

Just my 2 cents...


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## nice777guy

happy as a clam said:


> Ok... so what are you going to do about THIS? Can you take him back to court? Put out a warrant for his arrest, contempt of court?
> 
> No way would I just let him to refuse to pay while he takes expensive vacations.
> 
> Personally I WOULD continue to look at the sites, document everything, print off all the pics, all the ways he is spending money, give it all to the judge.
> 
> Just my 2 cents...


:iagree:

I would contact an attorney ASAP. You've got every reason to be mad and to DOCUMENT any extravagant spending on his part.


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## lifeistooshort

Also try to remember that you know better than anyone what these other women are getting, and it's not a good guy. They're getting a worthless pos, and if this current woman is desperate enough to support him how sad does that make her?

On another note, my sisters baby daddy number two is in jail right now for not paying child support of a whole $105 a month. He won't work and somehow finds idiot women willing to support him, so he has plenty even though he cries broke. My sister just pursued him through the courts and even called the police several times once the warrant was issued to tell them where he was. Every time the police looked for him he'd hide in the bathroom while his wife lied about him not being there; finally my sister called the cops and told them she does this. Right after that he was arrested.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator

*Drop him like a bad habit and heal yourself by just moving on! No real need to spy anymore!

And if he should get into arrears on child support, have your lawyer literally cash his check about it with the presiding judge or clerks office!*


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## cantdecide

My ex used to intentionally post things on FB because she was sure I was looking. I finally had enough. I've been banned (self imposed) from FB for over a year now. I don't miss it at all. When I looked at my ex on FB, she won. She got the better of me. Now? I'm winning and will continue to do so. She can post all she wants. I don't care.


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## Rowan

I have a Facebook account, but I'm not active there. Since I'm never on FB tending to my page or checking in on friends, I'm never tempted to take a peek at my ex-husband's page. It's honestly pretty liberating.


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## FrustratedFL

called child support today and filed a "complaint for lack of funding". That is what Pinellas County calls it. 

They open up an investigation file and if he is late on his July 30 payment or does not bring his account up to date they will file an injunction against him that he must respond to by Aug 15th. If he does not answer the injunction, a court date is set.

He will be broke when he gets back from his vacation so I am thinking he will ignore everything. Let the games begin....

2 days in and no spying... Feel like I deserve a chip or something 

Daughter and I are leaving for a 2 week long vacation next week and I cannot WIAT to leave town and out of this funk. 

Hopefully I will get a check arriving soon.


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## lifeistooshort

You DO deserve a chip.....reward yourself for good behavior -
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam

FrustratedFL said:


> called child support today and filed a "complaint for lack of funding". That is what Pinellas County calls it.
> 
> They open up an investigation file and if he is late on his July 30 payment or does not bring his account up to date they will file an injunction against him that he must respond to by Aug 15th. If he does not answer the injunction, a court date is set.


Way to go FF! THAT'S the way to get things done... 

Please keep us posted on the outcome of the court proceedings. There are many people struggling with their own deadbeat spouses who could benefit from hearing how it turns out.

And here's your 2-day chip...


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## PBear

Great job, FFL! 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FrustratedFL

Happyasaclam - thanks for my Chip. I will toast with a big glass of milk.


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## Pluto2

Way to go!
FYI, when I filed with DCS to enforce the child support order, it took about three weeks to get the first check. Our divorce decree had a consent for garnishment of wages included, which made DCS's job easier, even though he is out of state. But it took time before he bothered to get a paycheck, and for me to locate the employer. It took two months before DCS acknowledged his arrears for this past year. They took my statement and evidence, then give him a time to respond, then accessed. The only enforcement they are offering to help collect the arrears is to intercept next year's tax refund. DCS is not willing to increase the garnishment to recover arrears. The ex could care less that its reported on his credit report. But at least I'm getting something now.

Have a wonderful time with DD on vacation!
And NO PEAKING


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## Jellybeans

Forgot to mention one really important thing:

BLOCK HIM on facebook.


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## movealong

I deactivated my facebook account almost 3 weeks ago. At some point I may reactivate it or create a new one, but right now I enjoy not dealing with the drama.


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## FrustratedFL

I have been very diligent with my no spying rule this week... Day 3. YEAH ME!! and have made progress with the Child Support dept and now working on the main items remaining at the house.

All ex business equipment aka... crap is in the garage, I have emailed, called, text for over a year trying to get him to come and take all the tools, etc. Always ignores the requests. Another control play on his part.... "You can't tell me what to do" type attitude. 

A long time ago, I took his stalling as a sign that he did not want this split. This is when I was still thinking he would come and apologize with flowers and tears and beg me to take him back and forgive him for all the lies, affairs, betrayal, abandonment, selfishness. (denial on my part of what was happening in my life). 

Now that the divorce is final and the quit claim deed has been filed with the county giving sole ownership of main house to me (he got the rental prop in divorce) - I took another stance and moved all the items to a storage unit and paid the first month. I mailed the key, unit contract and steps that the office manager will confiscate all items in unit after 60 days when I end contract if no movement was done.

Boy will he be happy to come home from his resort vacation with sugar mama to receive a letter from me with storage info and a letter from child support telling him to pay up. 

Welcome home!


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## lifeistooshort

Good for you! THAT is how you deal with a scumbag.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm

LOVE IT!! Good for you!


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## HeartbrokenW

I agree with JB... block him. My ex and I were married 13 yrs.. there's a lot of history there. I had unfriended him almost immediately. I still saw posts on our daughter's page. It wasn't until i blocked him that he totally disappeared on my fb. Now i don't see anything he says. My life immediately improved.


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## Pluto2

Oh man, its going to sting-for him.
Do not expect him to tell you of the sting, because that might be too embarrassing for him. But he might blow a gasket .... and now he has access to the tools to fix it.
It's very empowering to take control of your own life. Good job.


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## FrustratedFL

Still doing well with not spying. Have not attempted any contact or spying and will be busy the next few days packing for my trip.

I had a nice last minute party last night hosting neighbors and had a ball. 

My MIL called this morning and asked for my sister's new phone number since she is leaving for Las Vegas and will try to arrange a dinner with sister. Did not mention ex nor did she.

staying strong....


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## Wolf1974

It's hard when it's so unfair. The best revenge is to live well. Don't spy that only hurts you. Facebook is NEVeR a good representation of a persons real life. Only what they decide to post about it. It's mostly false advertising


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## FrustratedFL

7 days without spying.... 

I did receive an email from ex wanting to know when I am leaving for trip. Tell him Weds. I asked if he mailed the child support check as he promised he would when returning from his luxury vacation. He said NO - did not have balance and would need to wait till tomorrow since he couldn't get balance. 

I called automated # and it is working. I email back with balance and reminded him he *promised *to mail check on Weds. He said he did not get paid from anyone and would give ME a check soon. I replied, "You need to mail to STATE OF FL" like you promised a week ago. He never mentioned any letter received from Pinellas County like the child support dept said he would be receiving. 

The money is needed but the sheer disrespect that he feels whenever the f*ck he gets around to writing a check is good enough and we should be grateful..... 

Total failure as a husband AND a father.


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## bravenewworld

Ugh sorry to hear about the update Frustrated regarding the check, but still, go you! I never understand why some people think their obligations end just because the marriage does. 

Your posts have inspired me to rededicate myself to no FB stalking. I was pretty good about it for 6+ months but recently have been checking his business page from time to time. Not healthy. 

I don't agree that everyone posts a fake or idealized version of their life on FB, but I definitely think narcissists and sociopaths do, AKA my ex and I'm sure the ex's of many others on this board.


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## Pluto2

FL, I am right there with you. The lack of respect for you and the kids is just disgusting. I also think in his mind its all about control. He will (try to) control when and how much you get paid, not the state. Idiot. 
You are making wonderful progress with the no spying. Keep it up! Liberating isn't it.


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## FrustratedFL

Had a hard day at work yesterday and came home to pack for my trip today. I was very tempted to check FB, twitter but I resisted and let the feelings pass. 

It is super weird that my ex lives 20 blocks away and never sees my kid but the minute he hears we are leaving to go out of town, he texts my child and asked all kinds of questions about her trip. What time we leaving, when we coming back, then tells her he bought her a bracelet from his luxury key west vacation and wants to drop it off. (BTW - man has been home a week...). DD tells me, "dad is coming over for a minute to give me a present". Very calculating.... ex knows I am going to see my family and wants DD last memory to be something she can show off like he is father of the year. 

I was pleasant when he came in and he had all kinds of questions for me. How is my friend who has cancer that I will be seeing in NJ, how is my mom, how is my sister (who he HATES), what time will I arrive, where am I staying. I answered his questions nicely but very limited info. It was killing him. He was just standing in the hall, just looking around. Finally I said,
well I need to run some errands so he turned around, hugged my daughter and left. 

I know I am coping very well and have detached from him - now when I see him, I have a bit is disdain for him and see him as a liar and sad man more so than my old friend/lover/spouse.


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## 3Xnocharm

FrustratedFL said:


> Had a hard day at work yesterday and came home to pack for my trip today. I was very tempted to check FB, twitter but I resisted and let the feelings pass.
> 
> It is super weird that my ex lives 20 blocks away and never sees my kid but the minute he hears we are leaving to go out of town, he texts my child and asked all kinds of questions about her trip. What time we leaving, when we coming back, then tells her he bought her a bracelet from his luxury key west vacation and wants to drop it off. (BTW - man has been home a week...). DD tells me, "dad is coming over for a minute to give me a present". Very calculating.... ex knows I am going to see my family and wants DD last memory to be something she can show off like he is father of the year.
> 
> I was pleasant when he came in and he had all kinds of questions for me. How is my friend who has cancer that I will be seeing in NJ, how is my mom, how is my sister (who he HATES), what time will I arrive, where am I staying. I answered his questions nicely but very limited info. It was killing him. He was just standing in the hall, just looking around. Finally I said,
> well I need to run some errands so he turned around, hugged my daughter and left.
> 
> I know I am coping very well and have detached from him - now when I see him, I have a bit is disdain for him and see him as a liar and sad man more so than my old friend/lover/spouse.


Yay!! :toast: Great job! And may I add, what a moron!


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## happy as a clam

FF... you are doing EVERYTHING right! So proud of you... for the "no spying", for taking your lame ex-H to task through the courts, and for your STRONG resolve...

Kudos and hats off to you!

:smthumbup:



3Xnocharm said:


> Yay!! :toast: Great job! And may I add, what a moron!


Couldn't agree more!!


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## unsure78

FrustratedFL said:


> 7 days without spying....
> 
> I did receive an email from ex wanting to know when I am leaving for trip. Tell him Weds. I asked if he mailed the child support check as he promised he would when returning from his luxury vacation. He said NO - did not have balance and would need to wait till tomorrow since he couldn't get balance.
> 
> I called automated # and it is working. I email back with balance and reminded him he *promised *to mail check on Weds. He said he did not get paid from anyone and would give ME a check soon. I replied, "You need to mail to STATE OF FL" like you promised a week ago. He never mentioned any letter received from Pinellas County like the child support dept said he would be receiving.
> 
> The money is needed but the sheer disrespect that he feels whenever the f*ck he gets around to writing a check is good enough and we should be grateful.....
> 
> Total failure as a husband AND a father.


Oh do I feel your pain on that FL, your exh and mine sound like brothers


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## happy as a clam

unsure78 said:


> Oh do I feel your pain on that FL, your exh and mine sound like brothers


*Perhaps twins separated at birth?!* 










*lol... just trying to lighten things up. Hang in there, everyone...*


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## unsure78

happy as a clam said:


> *Perhaps twins separated at birth?!*
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> *lol... just trying to lighten things up. Hang in there, everyone...*


HAHAHAHAHHAH that was good!


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## SepticChange

I need to break the habit too. He deleted me off of Facebook and I never knew his instagram unt he found me and accidentally "liked one of my photos. Now I check his account. One of his pictures he hashtagged something about liking girls pretty much soliciting them to check his stuff out...that was what aggravated me. There is no way of blocking him there so I'm stuck. Though we have 2 mutual friends on Facebook I'm pretty good at not checking it out...luckily he keeps most of his info hidden. I don't struggle with this much but it's still annoying how I'll sometimes have the urge to look him up. 

Aggravating how exes have power over us sometimes.


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## esrum1

FrustratedFL - sorry for what you're feeling. I most definitely have been in your exact same shoes, and sometimes still feel a temptation to "spy" on my ex wife. In fact, almost did it last night, after being "spy dry" for three months. I was tired and feeling down. But I controlled myself and didn't. Here's three things that have greatly helped me:

1. Remind yourself that NO PERSONAL GOOD will come from spying on your ex. It's like the metaphorical bandage that you have wrapped around a healing wound - every time you "spy" on your ex, you unwrap that bandage and the wound gets infected. You want to "itch" the wound so bad. Leave it alone!

2. When you feel tempted to spy, go exercise instead! Go jog, or just go for a long, exhausting walk. Get up, move, leave behind what tool you were going to use to "spy" (i.e., iPhone, iPad, etc.). I've found such a therapeutic energy in being able to leave my cell phone behind for a few hours at a time. 

3. And last resort, right before you feel the need to go "spy", post here instead. And just sit and watch, you'll see some responses pop in encouraging you not to. Posting here, among peers, is very healthy and can be a tremendous support - it has been for me at least.

I sincerely hope that you can find some solace. The whole thing does suck, but life will go on, and you will grow, and you will be happy.


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## GusPolinski

SepticChange said:


> I need to break the habit too. He deleted me off of Facebook and I never knew his instagram unt he found me and accidentally "liked one of my photos. Now I check his account. One of his pictures he hashtagged something about liking girls pretty much soliciting them to check his stuff out...that was what aggravated me. There is no way of blocking him there so I'm stuck. Though we have 2 mutual friends on Facebook I'm pretty good at not checking it out...luckily he keeps most of his info hidden. I don't struggle with this much but it's still annoying how I'll sometimes have the urge to look him up.
> 
> Aggravating how exes have power over us sometimes.


Block him on all social media, IMO. And I believe that there is a way to block folks on Instagram... lemme look it up.

ETA: SC, read this for info re: blocking your ex on Instagram...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/privat...mal-contact-due-kids-journal.html#post9545489


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## EnjoliWoman

FF - he sounds a lot like my ex sans the sugar momma. It finally took a court order to make him pay through the state instead of mailing me checks when he felt like it. I think he didn't like a) the state having a check with his account # and b) there being documentation of his regularly being late. He would also call D constantly, fawn over her and question her yet instruct her to not share his "business". Still does make her keep secrets and has her delete all of his text message to her. 

Not trying to diagnose every narcissist but might be worth looking at the symptoms/signs. If he is on the scale somewhere (mine is a 9 out of 10) it will help you learn about him/his disorder and how to deal with him because they don't react the same way.


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## FrustratedFL

Enjoying Ex is a true narcissist. I took the online behavior tests and he has all classic signs. 

I am glad to say he paid a total of $1500 in child support last Friday so I will be receiving a check when getting back from my vacation. He is still $800 in arrears but am excited that I finally get a check from state. 

I have had a great vacation away from the drama and was busy every day which helps distance myself from him and the thoughts. 

Returning home tomorrow more aware of who I am. Visiting my lifelong friends have helped me think back to who I was and what I will be in future.


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