# Wife wants separation after 24 years - Reconciliation



## noas55

Brief Recap:
I'm 48 years old and wife is 42. We have been married 24 years and have two sons S21 & S19. D-day was 6/9/13, We lived in same home and slept in same bed for 7 weeks. Daily talks ( no arguing except twice) helped us come to terms with things and begin progress to healing before I moved into apt on 1 yr lease 7/22/13...She turned 42, 3 days prior and it hit her hard. Youngest graduated school. We have had a year of high stress medical issues and last Nov. my oldest did a stupid thing and embezzled himself to a 1 year probation and night in jail which cost us $3 grand to help him out.
Mid Life Crisis, YEARS of pent up hurt feelings, ED issues & her sexual awareness, neglect & lack of honest communication lead us to separation. I knew we had issues but I denied severity.

Wife had an EA with her female BFF, but did not realize it. The BFF wanted more time, wanted to leave her hubby & move in after I was out (when W told her she was leaving) and a sexual relationship, but W was not interested. W thought BFF was just being needy. After we discussed it during a major fight on 7/4 she came to realize the true situation. She talked to BFF and ended EA and reduced their time together. Last week was first time they spent time together as friends. All warnings and rules have been placed.
I was married to my job and businesses most of our time together. I was abusive at times until 2000 when she took kids and left for 2 weeks. I successfully changed with counseling and awareness, but we were both naive and did not find root of the evil. I never hit or verbally abused her or kids since. 

I do have anger issues though and they began to flair up again in 2010. I worked 60-70 hours a week while she went to nursing school full-time. We grew apart and never bonded back due to our selfish ways. 
As of this past weekend, she stated to worker who she had not seen in 6 weeks that She Has no plans to leave me, but needs time to heal and deal with her issues.
I see her daily for some amount of time 99% of time. We are closer now than we have been in years.
Her dilemmas are: 
1) She has separated her feelings. She loves me, but NOT IN LOVE. She knows this will take time as well I do. her love for our history and new "me" will keep this from being a deal breaker. AMPS thread helped us realize that it could be a while before that part is fixed. Counseling will be done if it ever gets to point of deal breaker. Her feelings are growing continuously but it bugs her they are growing slowly. I told her she is over analyzing them and it could be hindering her recovery. 
2) She is fearful that we will be down this road again. 2 week separation in 2000 & a serious discussion of separation in 2008.

She had trust issues with me that she has come to defeat, She has stated pretty much all of what she wanted me to fix has been or is in progress so it now falls in her area. She started later than me because she felt I would not stay or be able to make changes enough to make her want to try to save marriage.

We are both Christians with Baptist beliefs. This fact alone is why Divorce was never on the table for either of us. Once my wife understood about EA she quickly stopped that as well.
We do believe God has intervened in our marriage. We believe He would not have us together this long for it to end. Therefore we did something wrong, must correct it, and get our marriage back in order with His help. She does believe He is unhappy with her since she asked for separation, but she knows He will forgive her when we are back together.

Originally she was thinking 2 year separation then reduced it to 1 year about 6 weeks ago. Now she is saying Home within the year unless something goes wrong and we are in counseling. She is thinking within 9 months I will be sleeping at home most of the time. These estimates of hers change constantly as we progress. So do her rules from the beginning of separation. Most have been abolished, but a few are still in place, but those are mostly changed for the better. 

Anyway I hope my daily reports/ small journal helps someone and I am always willing to discuss things and read/answer your replies. I may not follow all your advice, but I do utilize what I think helps my situation out. Thanks in advance and thank you God for not allowing our marriage to fail.


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## noas55

I went and saw my wife today as planned. Before I got there I stopped by a florist to see what they had. I found their last genetically altered RAINBOW ROSE. I purchased that thing quickly. If you never have seen one I will gladly place a picture if I am allowed.
I was fixing lunch (chicken in the oven)when she woke up and she was shocked to see this amazing rose. She came into the kitchen in her nightshirt and showed me her thanks with passionate kisses & some loving. First time in kitchen for us and it was fun.
We ate and had a good afternoon. Later as she got dressed for work she began flirting heavily and getting us both excited. Had no time to finish, but we were having fun. After she decided to put on her make-up I joked that her Low sexual desires might be improving. She laughed and said "Yeah I would say so."
It is good to see her sex drive flaring up again. 

We had one snafu today which hurt us emotionally. She wanted to come over to my apt Fri night after she saw her BFF to stay the night. I was scheduled to go to house around 9pm and she would arrive home around 11pm.
I told her I was not comfortable with that idea yet. It hurt her because she wants to be part of all my life. I told her there was nothing to hide, but I am not comfortable at apt. It is not home to me. I am afraid it might ruin our night because if I was not comfortable it might feed over to her. 
She knows there is nothing to hide. No secrets or anything. She has a key and knows all passwords. It is just a fear that she might get comfortable coming to my place and I cant go home to see her. I told her we are not dating. We are husband and wife. She agreed. I told her that under no circumstances is this to be a replacement fro me going home to visit and stay nights.
Still a soft problem but we will get through it. I told her as we part ways tonight that I might concede. I have to get over my fear.
Overall great afternoon. Grew closer and she even asked me for my opinion on a question with her job. I asked her if she wanted me to help or just listen. She wanted help. 
Nothing like seeing the smiles on her face and in her eyes.


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## noas55

I decided to surprise W this morning and went over to the house. The purpose was to tell her I was cool with Friday night at my apt. I called at the door. She let me in with a smile & in her Eeyore night shirt. Simple sleep shirt that turns me on. I gave her the good news. She seemed pleased but said this Friday I come to house that night. We will do my apt some other time. I told her I had a plan that will help me. (I plan on bringing her to apt a few times for a few hours)
Started kissing in office as I was planning to leave and it led to me pleasing her there. Afterwards I told her I would go so she could sleep. She was giving me mixed signals (leave and stay) I wanted to stay but I knew if I did I would keep her up. 15 mins later we were at the front door necking again I told her if I did not leave I was staying. She kept going. I was so confused. Finally I told her I was staying and she said FINALLY.
LOL yes I was late to the party again.
We went to bed for a quicky I told her I would leave so she could rest. She looked hurt. I asked her what was wrong. Nothing she said. I told her to please tell me. This is how we got here to the separation. She said I thought you were staying. I told her I thought she meant just for sex; Simple misunderstanding. I did want to stay and hold her & sleep with her. She smiled and we slept.
Thank you GOD once again.

One of her close friends put in her 2 weeks at the hospital. She is like a true sister to W. She is hurt, but understands. I told her I would make sure they still see each other. The friend lives 45 mins away. She hugged me and I could tell she was pleased and relieved that I would help her out.
W also stated in bed that she knows she is giving me mixed signals. I believe this is a good thing. Her walls are bouncing around so they are weakening.


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## noas55

So much has happened over 2 fantastic days even with some hardship.
Weds evening: 
She was put on call that turned into a night off. God knew what He was doing once again! we had a great time, bonded, and had numerous breakthroughs
Sexual tension was still very high when I got home off work. We did a lot of passionate hugs and kisses all night.
We skipped dinner and ate ice cream at Denny’s and talked about life, nothing about work or our situation. It was nice.
We did discuss about how we would handle bank accounts, joint or separate, when we got back together completely. She was leaning at separate while I leaned for joint as we always have had, but keep the separate accounts for our way of saving for certain bills. I gave my reasons and she said she had not thought of things that way, still open for discussion.

While she was working the other night, she saw a co-worker friend from day shift that she had not seen in a long time. The lady asked about us. Further talks went on and W finally admitted: I Love Him. We will get back together.

Her space desires is now down to one evening a week to 10 days, probably Tues or Thurs, and I see her until after supper. She does not think this will be needed for too long, possible 3-6 months. I will be staying at home 3-5 days a week.

We feel we made a huge amount of small breakthroughs.
Had great sex that night. No real Issues with my ED.

Thursday
She was off -I worked a split
W told her mother finally. Of course MIL was not happy. Go figure.
We watched our first movie on TV together that we had not seen since May: OLYMPUS HAS FALLEN. We snuggled throughout the nearly 3 hour flick. It was a great day overall. Had sex, but I had issues, but she was pleased. she knows we are waiting for doctors so she is understanding.

Friday
She is off, I work 11-4 
Plans: She go to BFF tonight, I see her after work for a bit. I stay at apt tonight. She has stated she may ask me over when she calls later tonight.

3 small tiffs today as we get used to each other again. Hard for us at times, but they are to be expected.
While working I dropped by the house. I was gone only 2 hours and texting with her often during that time. I told her missed her. She said she missed me too!! I have not heard that since D day
We talked about attending church. She is still not ready as she is dealing with her Faith issues such as she knows she has upset God with separation. She knows He wants us together. He is working His Will and miracles on her though. It should not be too long.
Her walls are coming down so quickly considering that she was a walker only 12 weeks ago. This scares her, but she knows she is making right decisions. Just needs time to come to terms with her feelings.


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## noas55

W told BFF tonight that we were getting back together. I will be coming home just the WHEN has not been set yet.
BFF was not too thrilled. She is evidently jealous because my W is getting the romance, affection, and love that BFF is desiring from her man.


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## noas55

Had breakfast with W this morning and we enjoyed the 2 hours before I had to go to work. Obvious she is really struggling with her feelings and her forcing me to be out of house. I tried, but she would not talk because she is afraid of her feelings. I did not force the issue. Let her stew in her discomfort another day or two. 

She did tell me she cares for me more than ever. " Close enough to I Love You isn't it?" I said "not the same and it is good enough for today"
She also said she loves the new man I became.


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## Chaparral

noas55 said:


> Had breakfast with W this morning and we enjoyed the 2 hours before I had to go to work. Obvious she is really struggling with her feelings and her forcing me to be out of house. I tried, but she would not talk because she is afraid of her feelings. I did not force the issue. Let her stew in her discomfort another day or two.
> 
> She did tell me she cares for me more than ever. " Close enough to I Love You isn't it?" I said "not the same and it is good enough for today"
> She also said she loves the new man I became.


I don't think you should push her into saying anything. If it isnt her idea and from the heart it means nothing if you have to prod her does it, that's just begging and needy.

You should have said ",oh you're just being nice.". And changed the subject or just stayed silent. Don't be a dog wagging its tail over a little scrap.


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## noas55

Chaparral said:


> I don't think you should push her into saying anything. If it isnt her idea and from the heart it means nothing if you have to prod her does it, that's just begging and needy.
> 
> You should have said ",oh you're just being nice.". And changed the subject or just stayed silent. Don't be a dog wagging its tail over a little scrap.


Sorry CHAP. I reread what I wrote. I see where confusion may have occurred. What she told me in 2cd part was just some of the things she said during the day during phone calls and when we were together briefly tonight for dinner. when I replied to her I had a smile & a wink. She knew I was playing with her. I left that part out. Was in a hurry to get back to work
The part of me asking her was in the morning after breakfast. She was constantly smiling, kissing, and hugging. She wanted to say something or some things. She just couldn't. 
Later in the day she stated the other stuff. I figure that stuff was part of her issues this morning.


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## noas55

Yesterday, my wife actually replied back on purpose on phone to one of my I LOVE YOUs. "I LOVE YOU TOO" It sure felt good. It is slowly turning around.
Today she asked how I felt hearing it over the phone. I told her I was shocked then thought it might have been a habitual response. She said " No. I wanted to say it. It is still hard so give me time."


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## cdbaker

noas55 said:


> Yesterday, my wife actually replied back on purpose on phone to one of my I LOVE YOUs. "I LOVE YOU TOO" It sure felt good. It is slowly turning around.
> Today she asked how I felt hearing it over the phone. I told her I was shocked then thought it might have been a habitual response. She said " No. I wanted to say it. It is still hard so give me time."


This is great news! Make sure to use that wonderful feeling that you are experiencing to MOTIVATE you to keep focusing on doing things right in the relationship. To remember all you have learned and stay focused. I think sometimes it is easy to reach a point like this and feel like, "Whew! Thank goodness, it's about time we've gotten over this hump. Now back to the usual..." but this is not a time to relax and lose focus.

I think you already know that, just figured it's worth saying.


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## noas55

You are correct about the reactions. I have even felt that relief. Luckily it scared me, I asked what am I thinking and got myself refocused.


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## lenzi

noas55 said:


> We do believe God has intervened in our marriage. We believe He would not have us together this long for it to end.


What about all the other people who are married for the same length of time or even longer and they do get divorced?

Why would God have them divorce after being together for so long but not the two of you?

Just curious. I don't really understand how this whole Faith in God thing works and I hope you can clear it up.

Thanks!


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## noas55

lenzi said:


> What about all the other people who are married for the same length of time or even longer and they do get divorced?
> 
> Why would God have them divorce after being together for so long but not the two of you?
> 
> Just curious. I don't really understand how this whole Faith in God thing works and I hope you can clear it up.
> 
> Thanks!


That is a great question and I do not think it is a sarcastic one.
I do not know if I can give a satisfactory answer, but I will try and feel free to open discussion on matter

Christians believe a marriage is Ordained by God when both are Believers and they are married for love, not due to pregnancy, eloping, and such in a House Of God (Church).
Christians believe if God is placed first in their life and their marriage is God-filled, God will help them through the rough times. We believed that over the years. That was what helped us get through my abuse and anger issues as well as her not communicating with me.
The problem with us is that I fell away from God over the years as I placed myself, my career, and other things before God. This reflected on my wife and kids as well as marriage. God never left us. We believe He allowed us to stray far enough to get to separation because He knew we would seek Him again.
I have always stated that God will spank us when we need it. He did and He also showed us that He was there to help us. 
I never would have asked the question on D-day if I did not hear it in my head and feel the sadness in my heart. I had 2 hours at work to think about my question, feelings , and such before I went home and asked my wife. 
Why help us? We have always believed. We did fall away, but we always prayed. We never had affairs or even considered divorce. These are big deals in God's eyes. Separation upsets him, but I do believe God allowed it to happen for He knew what was in W's heart. He knew she would not do the normal separation style. It was a cry for help from her (if you want to use that statement)
Other Christian relations fail and God does not help: If you turn your back on God, He will let you fall. We have free will and He will let us fail if we do what we know is wrong. If you can't admit your mistake, to spouse or God, He will not intervene. 

Sometimes a devoted Christian wants their marriage to survive but the other spouse has fallen away and denounced God. This is a big sin when you denounce God. If this occurs I believe God does not want the Christian spouse to be swayed any further by the denouncing spouse. 

If an affair occurs during a marriage this is sinful, but if the adulterer is a Christian, that person is on the brink of Hell. God will not allow the marriage to continue unless the person repents, and asks for forgiveness from God and the spouse. The spouse MUST be able to forgive the spouse in biblical way (forgive and never speak of it in fashion of using it over the head of the person again) Divorce & Separation are the same way. 
I forgave my wife for asking for separation the very first day I knew. I prayed to God and made sure she knew as well that I forgave her for the request and that I would do all I could to make my issues right. My wife knew she was wrong in God's eyes on requesting separation. She made it clear NO DIVORCE. She is still battling her issues but she is getting closer to fixing herself with God. I know He has forgiven her as she has requested. She has not forgiven herself.

Probably did not explain this all thoroughly, but maybe enough to understand why MY FAMILY believes that God was not going to let us fail. You know I never doubted Him, but I did have fears. Those fears were due to humans being involved just as my wife stated to me on why she had doubts.


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## noas55

A lot has happened since Sunday evening when W went to work. These are notes from my journal.

W said she would like for me to stay at home with her through Weds night. WOW! Never this long of a request. This will be a HUGE test. We talked more about her utilizing normalcy space in the future and even on Tues while I do a split. I pray she does. 
I feel if she can learn to do this and adjust to normal household soon, I may get home before anniversary. Lord willing.

Aug 26 mon
It was a great day although W worked tonight. We were hoping for her to be called off, or at least sent home early, but not tonight. God gave us breakthroughs and money.
I have a habit that bugs here; throwing food in back yard to feed birds and wildlife. Little discussion (heated) and I can do it at fence.
Little tense afternoon, but she is seeing how important a routine leading to normalcy is important. Hope we can get there. 
I finished LOVE BUSTERS book tonight. She is halfway. The hard ones are coming up for her: Friends & family, sex, and time. She lets her friendship with BFF interfere in this area more than she thinks. 
Sex: well not where it should be and Time: Suggests 15 hours for undivided attention IF marriage is good. More if needed. This we have already proven correct because first 8 weeks we spent as much time as we could together and it repaired so many problems. As we have gotten better I have seen her taper it off even at my request not to.
Tomorrow I work split and she is off. She will probably go to BFF tomorrow night till 9 PLUS which is no big deal.


Aug 27 Tuesday
I worked a split. I went home on split and we had a real big fight I can’t even remember what it was about. I figured she needed time away from me tonight so I did not tell her I was expecting to get off early. She went to BFF's as expected. She went to football practice. We texted all day. It was great. She even texted I LOVE YOU TOO after I texted I love you to her.
I got off early and told her. She said she would not have gone to practice if she thought I was getting off early. I told her I thought that would have happened. I explained why I did it this way. She was appreciative.
I got home and saw she had not done grocery shopping as she planned. I was a little disappointed because that meant we had to shop on Date day.
We had some good sex and slept well.
Aug 28 Weds.
We went shopping and then headed to the lake. My first time in 20 years, her first time this year but we really enjoyed it. She even spoke I LOVE YOU w/o provocation while we laid in the sun. It made me tear up. We went to S19 Baptism that night. S21 was there as well. Very special moment for us as we knew we had done our jobs in God’s eyes.
Discussed a lot on our life after I come home. Her quiet time has been worked out; she made me understand I am welcomed at home anytime when she is not there. I will still let her know when I am there so she does not think anyone else is getting inside the house. She is enjoying me being home more and more. Hopefully MY GOING HOME is coming soon, within months
We had planned on sex tonight but long day made us sleepy. We kept dozing on the couch as we cuddled. It is so nice to be able to relax that much.

Aug 29 Thurs. 

She told me I LOVE YOU as we hugged before I headed out the door for work this morning. I instinctively replied I LOVE YOU TOO. It felt so good and natural. I will not see her until tomorrow or Saturday.
As of now I feel good knowing I will not see her tonight and there is an excellent chance I will not get to see her tomorrow. Possibly will not see her until Saturday afternoon for a brief visit or it could be late Saturday night. I expect I will stay the night.


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## noas55

Wife bought me my first gift today as well. A card entitled: MARRIAGE IS. A beautiful Blue Mountain Arts card that cost over $7. It talks about what a marriage is and what it takes to make it a successful and good relationship. Her personal note:

"This is what I am working towards, what I know we both want. Give me time; we will get there together. God is leading us to a better marriage.
I am NOT giving up.Hang in there with me. We have come so far in such a short time! With God's guidance we can make this a reality."

Nice surprise.


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## noas55

W called this morning as usual while she prepared for sleep. We chatted for 20 mins about future financials and she kept using WE, never I (her), which is a first. She has started with WE and switched to I. 
We also talked about our great 4 days together this week. She then asked what I was thinking for staying over this weekend. I stated if I went with her normal way of doing things I would be looking at Sat thru Mon. (She is off and she usually has me stay those nights unless she needs a quiet night). She said that sounds great and if I wanted could even stay tonight (she works) IF I wanted to. LOL YEAH RIGHT! I said she never had to fear that. This is all in her court. She feared I might want to be with my fun stuff (xbox, movies, and such) I stated I do come by apt and do those things when she is at work sometimes. Never fear, my life does not stop when I am home. I still keep myself happy. She said that made her feel better.

*This means that I will be staying 8 out of 9 days at home. She has told me I can even move some of my clothes and personal stuff back a little at a time.* I told her I appreciated that and I would not MOVE back in. She smiled and hugged me. I told her sometimes I do feel like a stranger in my house when we discuss stuff on home life. She took my face and she told me, " NEVER FEEL that way again. I understand why, but don't feel that way. You are my man, my husband, this is our home and we are not apart anymore. Just give me a little more time to sort my crap out."
She knows this is hard on me. I know it is hurting her as she battles her fears and desires.

It is so hard sometimes knowing I am THIS CLOSE to going home. Time and patience!


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## joygirl

Wow!

Patience does work wonders

...sometimes...


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## noas55

Last 5 days were fantastic with last night being the only crappy night due to a small argument. 
Over last 5 days, wife has been saying "I love you" and "I love you too" more frequently. She also stated she wanted to go to church WITH me in two weeks (the soonest that she could attend).
I will be at the apt the next 2 nights then back home for at least 6 nights (longest stretch - her decision) 2 days were as normal routine wise as before D-day and she was very comfortable. 
The progress is moving along so fast. Although July 1st is my extreme day to move home, we have been discussing bills and such as Jan. 1st these past few days. This was just a dream 3 weeks ago!
We went to the lake on Labor Day and watched some movies over the past few days. She is getting real use to me being home again.

The dispute we had was on a decision she made last night that would have me staying 3 nights at apt, 2 at home, 3 at apt, before we made next plans.
She saw my disappointment and she asked what was wrong. I explained what I was seeing on the calendar and how I felt we were doing better than that. She QUICKLY apologized and said she was just thinking in her old ways of how I would be at home on days off and at apt on nights she worked. She said look here, let's say 2 nights at apt then 6 nights at home. I asked if she was comfortable with that, she said yes I am. I am sorry I was thinking old school (term we use for past thinking) I would not suggest this if I was concerned. I want you to stay.
Of course the argument messed up my mood for sex, but there will be other nights. So sex wise 1 great night, 1 night where I could not perform well, but she was happy, and 1 night where we called it off.
Oh yeah I go to doctor for my physical on Friday. This is my first visit towards fixing my ED issue!!!


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## noas55

Well after 2 nights at apt while wife worked those nights, I will be at home for 6 straight nights. This will be a big test for us as it will be the longest stretch of consecutive nights. This will be a stressful time as we deal with possibly putting down our 22 year old cat, Jasmine.
Tomorrow I will see doctor for the first time on ED issue as well.
Keep us in your prayers & thoughts as we move closer to ending this nightmare.


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## hereinthemidwest

WOW I found your post. My eyes filled with tears as I read each one. Then I prayed for you and your wife. I hope your are able to save your family. Good Luck my marriage ended after 26 years and four years later still at times hard. Just remember it takes TWO PEOPLE WHO WANT IT. Stop running back to your apt. Sub-lease it. Fight for what you want.


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## noas55

I go back to my apt for one or two nights as we extend my home stay/visits. She is getting more comfortable each day. I expect to end this part in a few months if not sooner. If she adds one day on each visit break, the time will fly by quickly. I feel 2 weeks will be the deciding factor. If she holds true to form, 3-4 months will be time needed with less than 10-12 days at apt during this time.
I am fighting in an unaggressive way. I am letting her find her way as I hold her hand.


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## noas55

The first part is part of a post made in my other thread, but with more details.
Day 3 of 6 straight at home. These 3 days have been like normal days with work, trip to cat vet, and more work. Her PMS was stressful and now the period has started so this time together will not be as enjoyable as we had hoped. Wife has stated several times it is nice having me at home and even stated that her co-workers have asked when she was bringing me home. She said she had a plan, but that has changed like all her other plans, IN A GOOD WAY. 
I told her what I had my own idea what she was trying to do, but I would not say what it was. I did say if I was correct, I figured I would be home after the holidays in 4 months. She agreed that sounded about right as far as her personal plan was, but that seems to be changing for the better inside her. 
She is getting concerned that I might be bored at home at times. I tell her i am fine. I will bring some stuff from apt that I like so it may help her feel better.
So far the stress has not caused issues nor have we had big talks. Just 2 normal people in a marriage is what it seems like. She is easily saying she loves me before I say anything as well as the usual " love you too" reply.


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## lenzi

Glad to hear things are going well.

As the other poster suggested, she is in a position where she has the balance of power in the relationship, she's making all the decisions as to when you can come home, how long you can stay, etc.

So what happens "if" she decides that things are moving too fast and she doesn't want you home as much, or, say down the line after you have moved back in she says "Noas, I want you to leave again".

What will your response be in such a situation? Will you abide by her rules and requests and not come around as much, or if you've already moved back in, will you pack up and leave again?


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## noas55

lenzi said:


> Glad to hear things are going well.
> 
> As the other poster suggested, she is in a position where she has the balance of power in the relationship, she's making all the decisions as to when you can come home, how long you can stay, etc.
> 
> So what happens "if" she decides that things are moving too fast and she doesn't want you home as much, or, say down the line after you have moved back in she says "Noas, I want you to leave again".
> 
> What will your response be in such a situation? Will you abide by her rules and requests and not come around as much, or if you've already moved back in, will you pack up and leave again?


If she asks me to leave again because I do something, I will try to correct it and see if there is anything I can do to save my marriage. If she wants me to leave again and it is her or no reason of mine...it will be over. I can't go through the pain again. I have told her this just a week ago. She understands and believes me.


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## noas55

The day I have waited for has finally come. 3 months and 3 days after D-day my wife has told me to come home!
This has been the most painful experience in my life, but it has changed me into a new man, it has helped my wife understand her faults, and it has made our marriage better.
I thank my Lord Jesus Christ for being beside me and helping me through this time.
We still have work to do on ourselves and our marriage, but that is okay.
I am not leaving the board. I will still be here to offer help (especially on understanding abusive spouses).
Thank you to the board members who helped, argued, and probably wanted to slap me around for not listening to them. I love you all as brothers and sisters & respect you all.


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## cdbaker

Very good news indeed, just remember that the "war" is never over, you have to keep up with the changes. You also need to be cognizant of what lenzi said above about the balance of power. In my own personal view (which not everyone might share, of course), women have an innate desire to be led by their husband in some respects. She wants to see you as a leader, stronger and more confident. It can be especially tough to get back to that point while also trying to recover from past mistakes. In a sense, your beta male qualities are needed to help show her you can change, but you need to transition back to an alpha position in order to keep her satisfied and then find that balance between the two.

Best of luck!


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## noas55

Doctor visit shows low-normal testosterone, BUT it shows I have an issue with my Pituitary Gland; probable tumor. I have MRI on Tues so hopefully Thurs next week I will know what I am facing. 
We are doing great. Life is as normal as can be. Wife is telling me she loves me frequently, even before doctor trip. Lots of stress, but no anger has been out of me. I am not allowed to lose anymore weight until diagnoses is made.


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## firebelly1

noas55 said:


> Grew closer and she even asked me for my opinion on a question with her job. I asked her if she wanted me to help or just listen. She wanted help.


:smthumbup: Good job!


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## noas55

MRI shows all is good which baffled the doctor. I have low/normal testosterone level, Prolactin level (?) is too high so these two combined could be cause of ED issue. I begin my testosterone shots today as we attempt to regulate both levels.
The Pituitary Gland (Prolactin hormone) is the one that has doc concerned. This probably has been putting too much out my whole life and is now increasing the amounts as well. Too much will make you infertile and eventually impotent. In women this hormone is what helps them lactate.
Blood work also shows possible cancer somewhere. (I expect colon or skin) Have tests on that stuff soon.
We are doing well and even with all this stress, wife is glad I am home and we are in love.


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## tdwal

How are you doing health wise?


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## noas55

I am still at 230-235 pounds. Mentally doing well. Go in for 2 mole removals next Tues and then on to Prostate exam. We all agree the issue is probably in colon due to my Chrohms disease. We want to check everything else out before hand. Health insurances can get picky once you are diagnose with cancer when you have Chrohms.


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## Oblivious2678

Noas, congrats on how things are going. I was wondering if you could read my threads in separation and reconciliation to see if anything compares to what you are going through or went through. 

I am letting her be in full control right now and she is clearly not ready to work on us, but we are under the same roof as 'roommates' specifically for the kids sake and 'dating'. When am I able to start taking the lead on some of the issues? She has to know I am hurting, but seems to be in no hurry to go to counseling or see a therapist mediator to help our communication.

Keep up the work and good luck with the doctor's. I hope everything turns out okay.


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## noas55

Long time no see. I took time away from all of you to focus on my wife and family. Things were going great until last few days so here is an update.
We have been going strong since last post here.
My sex issues are better now that I am on proper drug, Health is good. Weight bounces between 235 & 245. I learned to eat again and so i am letting body recuperate from abuse I did to it for 6 months.
Today my wife says she basically has a void inside her that she does not how what it is. Not asking for separation, but more or less a cry for help (in understanding). She says this truly is all her and not me this time. I am a better man, friend, lover, & husband. I have made all the changes that she desired and she is happy with that. This void has her lost(?) Anyway, any help on how to help her or us would be great. She has promised me that this is no where near a separation deal and we will get counseling if it gets worse.
I want to trust her, and she knows it is hard for me to do that after what i went through. I am scared!
I also reminded her that I meant what I said before. I will not nor cannot chase after her again. It damn near killed me last time. 
I really do think it is possible menopause signs and she had that cauterization to help her painful periods. Could this be part of problem? One scared dude right now.


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## noas55

Oblivious2678 said:


> Noas, congrats on how things are going. I was wondering if you could read my threads in separation and reconciliation to see if anything compares to what you are going through or went through.
> 
> I am letting her be in full control right now and she is clearly not ready to work on us, but we are under the same roof as 'roommates' specifically for the kids sake and 'dating'. When am I able to start taking the lead on some of the issues? She has to know I am hurting, but seems to be in no hurry to go to counseling or see a therapist mediator to help our communication.
> 
> Keep up the work and good luck with the doctor's. I hope everything turns out okay.



Sorry Oblivious for no reply. I happened to step away that day.
I will glance at your thread. If you still want my advice let me know.


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## Wanttoliveagain

Hi noas55,

I relate a lot to your thread: we've been married 22+ years. There are many similarities, and I feel for you. The limbo and the 'void' in your spouse's feelings are tough - I'm experiencing a similar situation.

The big difference in my case is genders are reversed. My H is the one who has expressed many of the things your W has.

The biggest plus of all of this (in house separation, distancing, him trying to see if he has feelings or can recapture feelings, etc.) for me has been my pulling closer to God and rebuilding my faith and drawing strength from that again.

Tomorrow we will be having a talk to see if we can take a step forward or not. sigh. It's a long hard road, I don't want to give up because I believe in M for life, but it's tough to hold on. 

I've read your posts and your patience is inspiring.


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## lenzi

noas55 said:


> I have made all the changes that she desired and she is happy with that. This void has her lost(?) Anyway, any help on how to help her or us would be great. She has promised me that this is no where near a separation deal and we will get counseling if it gets worse.


You tried to "nice" her back, despite countless posts advising you to get tough, be strong and independent, and work on yourself before you try to change for someone else. You maintained that your strategy was working, and it did appear that it was. Your story was literally the only one I've ever heard of that seemed to be a success with a strategy that was proven to be a failure. 

Well, it appears that history will repeat itself. She's got a void because she never really came back, even if she's fooled herself and you into thinking she had. She's unhappy, there's a void, and regardless of her saying "it's not going to lead to a separation" you can bet your bottom dollar she's wrestling with doing exactly that.

It's never too late to shift gears. Go back and reread the advice given early on, perhaps now you'll see the wisdom in it, and again, it's not to "win her back", it's to break away and go live your own life rather than trying to conform to some one else's needs and demands, in order to try to hold onto them when they really don't want to be with you anymore.


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## Conrad

lenzi said:


> You tried to "nice" her back, despite countless posts advising you to get tough, be strong and independent, and work on yourself before you try to change for someone else. You maintained that your strategy was working, and it did appear that it was. Your story was literally the only one I've ever heard of that seemed to be a success with a strategy that was proven to be a failure.
> 
> Well, it appears that history will repeat itself. She's got a void because she never really came back, even if she's fooled herself and you into thinking she had. She's unhappy, there's a void, and regardless of her saying "it's not going to lead to a separation" you can bet your bottom dollar she's wrestling with doing exactly that.
> 
> It's never too late to shift gears. Go back and reread the advice given early on, perhaps now you'll see the wisdom in it, and again, it's not to "win her back", it's to break away and go live your own life rather than trying to conform to some one else's needs and demands, in order to try to hold onto them when they really don't want to be with you anymore.


That void is the leadership in her life that she craves.


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## Wanttoliveagain

Conrad said:


> That void is the leadership in her life that she craves.


Is that the same for both men and women Conrad? 

If not, what causes the man to have a 'void'?

Sorry if this is a highjack. Just had to ask.


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## noas55

Wanttoliveagain said:


> Hi noas55,
> 
> I relate a lot to your thread: we've been married 22+ years. There are many similarities, and I feel for you. The limbo and the 'void' in your spouse's feelings are tough - I'm experiencing a similar situation.
> 
> The big difference in my case is genders are reversed. My H is the one who has expressed many of the things your W has.
> 
> The biggest plus of all of this (in house separation, distancing, him trying to see if he has feelings or can recapture feelings, etc.) for me has been my pulling closer to God and rebuilding my faith and drawing strength from that again.
> 
> Tomorrow we will be having a talk to see if we can take a step forward or not. sigh. It's a long hard road, I don't want to give up because I believe in M for life, but it's tough to hold on.
> 
> I've read your posts and your patience is inspiring.


Thank you. Hang tough. It does not matter what it takes if the outcome is saving your marriage. My method upset lots of people as you have seen.
Yes it may fail, but I was able to re conciliate and move home, spend 3 great months with my wife and even today we are still making plans for our 25th Ann. in Feb 2014. She does not wont to leave, but the possibility is there. We both are Christian and divorce is a no-no. Separation is hard for her due to beliefs as well,. Prayers for your marriage. Please pray for ours.


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## noas55

Conrad: I am not doing the same stuff as I was during the seperation. I still buy the weekly flowers and a gift sometimes. We do not cuddle on couch as much either. I told her I was going to reduce it after I came home for us to have space. Many of those things reduced and we share the responsibilities. We still kiss and tell each other our LOVE YOUs quite a bit each day. The marriage is better than ever in recent years if not decades. 
As far as leadership....I was the leader for so long. She wanted more responsibility and she got it. More of it has shifted back to me at her doing, not mine.
She says she loves ME so there is something else


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## GutPunch

noas55 said:


> I still buy the weekly flowers and a gift sometimes.



Who gave you this advice? Conrad? He's such a softie.

STOP THIS NOW!

Flowers from your boyfriend you are madly in love with ......AWESOME!

Flowers from any other man.......PATHETIC and WEAK


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## Ms. GP

GutPunch said:


> Who gave you this advice? Conrad? He's such a softie.
> 
> STOP THIS NOW!
> 
> Flowers from your boyfriend you are madly in love with ......AWESOME!
> 
> Flowers from any other man.......PATHETIC and WEAK


What do you have against flowers?

Note to self- never buy GP flowers.


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## Conrad

noas55 said:


> Conrad: I am not doing the same stuff as I was during the seperation. I still buy the weekly flowers and a gift sometimes. We do not cuddle on couch as much either. I told her I was going to reduce it after I came home for us to have space. Many of those things reduced and we share the responsibilities. We still kiss and tell each other our LOVE YOUs quite a bit each day. The marriage is better than ever in recent years if not decades.
> As far as leadership....I was the leader for so long. She wanted more responsibility and she got it. More of it has shifted back to me at her doing, not mine.
> She says she loves ME so there is something else


Do you realize how much you are hurting your cause by explaining all that stuff?


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## Conrad

Wanttoliveagain said:


> Is that the same for both men and women Conrad?
> 
> If not, what causes the man to have a 'void'?
> 
> Sorry if this is a highjack. Just had to ask.


WLA,

The same, but different.

Unmet emotional needs create the void.

But, those voids get generated in different ways.


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## Tron

GutPunch said:


> Who gave you this advice? Conrad? He's such a softie.
> 
> STOP THIS NOW!


Oh yeah, that is Conrad...for sure. 



GutPunch said:


> Flowers from your boyfriend you are madly in love with ......AWESOME!
> 
> Flowers from any other man.......PATHETIC and WEAK




:lol: Oh for goodness sake Gutpunch. :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: 

Perchance we had this talk on your thread some time back... I will reiterate that your W might like them every once in a while...like maybe more than once every ten years.

Don't think that Conrad will argue with me here, but most women actually like a little romance...even after the wedding. That little thing we call a woman's emotional needs might require a little more than a dinner at the Cracker Barrel with the kids. 

Where men are drawn to chase/hunt, so to women like to be chased. Too much is indeed PATHETIC and WEAK. Better to give the W just enough that she truly appreciates the effort, but not so much that it doesn't leave her wanting more. 

TAM is littered with men who did not understand this, me included. And I have been on both ends of the spectrum.


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## Amplexor

noas55 said:


> Today my wife says she basically has a void inside her that she does not how what it is. Not asking for separation, but more or less a cry for help (in understanding). She says this truly is all her and not me this time. I am a better man, friend, lover, & husband. I have made all the changes that she desired and she is happy with that. This void has her lost(?)


We went through some thing very similar. She has a void because you created it. You have made the changes she asked for, you have made yourself a better man and husband. The objects that pushed her away are no longer there but she's not fully reconnected yet. The void is that she now has to take ownership of her disconnect and she no longer can place the blame on you. She thinks it should be fixed but it isn't. With my wife, a helplessness set in. A feeling that now that I was fully integrated back into the relationship it was up to her to reconnect and she feared she couldn't. She placed tremendous pressure on herself. Anything that I did romantically for her, hurt her. She wanted it but knew she was not in the same place emotionally as I was. During this period I watched my wife break down in tears more than at any time during R. She loved me but still was not in love with me and she felt she should be. We got through it with time and here are a few things that may have helped.

I was romantic with my wife, but not overtly or often. I didn't do flowers or poems. But I spent lots of time with her, hugged her often and on occasion did a very personal date night for us.

We restarted our sex life and it had a profound impact on her bonding process.

When we discussed her disconnect I made sure she understood I was in support of her and was willing to be patient as she moved through this phase. I never got emotional during these discussions and never brought them up.

I carried myself with confidence in all my interactions as a father and husband. I kept my own quiet confidence that we were on the right track and that I needed to be patient and strong for her.

I confronted her on issues that were important to me and didn't shy away from them.

As I said in my thread, there was no A-Hah moment, no watershed event. The bricks in her emotional wall came down, just as they had gone up. One at a time, until it was gone.


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## Ms. GP

Wow Amplexor you explained that really well. My question is your wife doing anything to improve herself? I'm a little late to the thread. Please forgive me. Sometimes people feel voids because of something inside themselves that needs to be dealt with, and they look for outside sources and people to fix it when it's really an inside job. However, if you continue to work on yourself whatever happens your life will improve.


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## noas55

Conrad: My explanation to her was done while I was out of the house (apt). She needed to know that I knew I was smothering her and I wanted her to know it would calm down as I got back into a normal life. It did and she is happy with that. I went from one extreme(nothing) to the other and settled back into the medium.
The flower a week (sometimes a bouquet) is to also help her with a new hobby she started (flower drying) at home to decorate the home.
Amplex: That was very informative. Thank you.

The wife is struggling with herself. I have shown support and told her I am here beside her all the way as long as she stays beside me. 
I have prepared myself mentally for menopause, mid-life crisis, and all the other horror stories that come around mid-life time. 
The way I see it... if she leaves I did everything I could, gave her what she wanted, and it wasn't enough. It will hurt, but I can move on with my head held high. I am scared as we all have been. I can only trust her words, keep my Faith & pray, and be there for her with my love and support as any husband should do until the big D.


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## noas55

AMP - I showed my wife your message above. She teared up and said that was exactly how she felt. She was kicking herself for not feeling the way she felt she should feel. It scared her for she thought she was sinking backwards towards the separation state.
This has really helped her understand her VOID and we now know what we are dealing with. I have reassured her I am beside her all the way through this. If I could deal with the separation, I can deal with this even if it is years or until death....as long as she stays beside me as my wife. 
I am so sorry you had to go through your separation and ordeals, but I want you to know that your original thread inspired both of us and this message has helped us once again.
Thank you and God Bless You and your family


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## bandit.45

Are you going to set a deadline for her to get off the fence. At what point are you going to put your well being first and move on with your life? It are you content to stay in Limboland?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Amplexor

noas55 said:


> I can deal with this even if it is years or until death....as long as she stays beside me as my wife.





bandit.45 said:


> Are you going to set a deadline for her to get off the fence. At what point are you going to put your well being first and move on with your life? It are you content to stay in Limboland?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Bandit is correct. This cannot be an open ended offer or she will have no reason to try and improve or go through the pain of the process of doing so. I don't believe you can say "You need to be in love with me by XX-XX-XXXX." but she needs to know at some point the relationship, as is, will become unsatisfactory for both of you. My wife and I had that conversation at the time we restarted our sex life. In short, we could only tread water for so long before we began to drift apart again. If you're not improving, you're stagnating. While you need to understand your own satisfaction and how long you can deal with this, (a one-way relationship) I would not let her think the status quo is acceptable long term. When my wife and I did discuss this I always termed it as a phase in the process, not the final solution. There was no expiration date stated but we both understood there was one.


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## Amplexor

noas55 said:


> I can deal with this even if it is years or until death....as long as she stays beside me as my wife.





bandit.45 said:


> Are you going to set a deadline for her to get off the fence. At what point are you going to put your well being first and move on with your life? It are you content to stay in Limboland?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Bandit is correct. This cannot be an open ended offer or she will have no reason to try and improve or go through the pain of the process of doing so. I don't believe you can say "You need to be in love with me by XX-XX-XXXX." but she needs to know at some point the relationship, as is, will become unsatisfactory for both of you. My wife and I had that conversation at the time we restarted our sex life. In short, we could only tread water for so long before we began to drift apart again. If you're not improving, you're stagnating. While you need to understand your own satisfaction and how long you can deal with this, (a one-way relationship) I would not let her think the status quo is acceptable long term. When my wife and I did discuss this I always termed it as a phase in the process, not the final solution. There was no expiration date stated but we both understood there was one.


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## noas55

Bandit & AMP: We have always stated even in separation that we must always be improving in some way or stagnant for a short time ... No going backwards.
Even today we have made progress ever so slightly on an issue that has been argumentative for several weeks. These breakthroughs and knowing we can see eye to eye are a big help for both of us.
We do not want this to be the norm. Our goal is to complete the healing process and we know it could be a long hard row. We know it COULD go bad, but we are ready and willing to do whatever it takes to correct it if it begins to do that. Stagnant is undesirable for us. Baby steps. Baby steps is our mantra right now.
We are also calling this a phase in our recovery or reconciliation.
She got a late start on fixing herself as I repaired my self. She feels she should be where I am, but she knows that is unreasonable. it is her desire to be there though.
My shows of love & affection do not cause her pain. She likes them. She still struggles sometimes to express herself affectionately. She can say she loves me w/o separating love/in love like she did before. She is excited to see me when I come home and enjoys my company....before separation, NOT A DAMN BIT. She would rather be at her BFF house than with me. Not the case anymore.


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## noas55

Happy News Year! My wife and I are looking forward to this year as a refreshing year in our 25 year marriage (Feb 17th). We celebrated the New Years arrival ( first time in 18 years) with 2 close friends and had some great laughs and memory lane trips. Lots of affection shown as well.
We are thankful for God allowing us to still love and respect each other after a hard separation.


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## noas55

Another week has gone by. No arguments and some slight talks that hint of some improvement. Going to be a LONG walk down this road that is for sure.
She was able to discuss looking at new refrigerators and some possible aspects of new homes for us. 
At least discussions are capable of long term plans and a future together. She did say in a discussion yesterday that at times the (void) "feelings" can become overbearing for her. She still has no desires to leave though.
Keeping communication going can be hard since I am letting her start it when it comes to this issue. I will start it if there is no communication for a week or more (my plan)
Please keep us in prayer


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## Kevinb

You're in my prayers Mate


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