# Need Advice



## firenice (Feb 9, 2010)

I had an affair with a h.s. boyfriend who i haven't seen in 30 yrs. I am married for 21 years and fell out of love around 3 yrs ago because of financial and no connection issues. I returned home after spending 2 weeks with this ex-boyfriend, and i am madly in love with him all over again. I still have a 13 yr old at home and i dont want to hurt him for my pleasure and happiness. But i don't know what to do. My situation is really confusing because the h.s. boyfriend is divorced and says he loves me too and we had a great time, but i don't think he wants to be the cause of the breakup either. So he says its my decision and has left it to me...i dont know what to do next? Help....i keep thinking of my 2 weeks with him and how good i felt and happy...


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## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

First off I'm sorry for the brutal honestly... I'm sure you have a lot going on but you are horribly selfish, self-centered and should be ashamed of yourself. 

Marriages go through good times and bad times (remember those vows??) sometimes those bad times may last years but it's up to both people to stay committed and work through the issues. 

Of course I know nothing about your specific situation but getting married is a commitment. Being unhappy isn't a good enough IMO to throw away a marriage. I never understand why people get married when they're only going to stick around as long as it's perfect, happy and convenient. People are going to have times when one or both people might be unemployed, finances might not be what you want them to be; you might feel for periods that you even have fallen out of love with that person. But I know many many people in my parents generation that went through sometimes horrible periods in their marriage (extreme unhappiness, and even functional alcoholism) for many many years but stuck with their marriage. And not one of them regrets sticking it out. Ask an old couple that's been married for 30, 40+ years if they were all happy years and didn't ever think it would be easier or better to leave their spouse...

My parents divorced because my mom was probably something like you are. She was unhappy about how much money was being made, didn't love my dad like she used to and decided she wanted to be fancy free. The grass was greener on the other side. Well decades later my mom has told me that she regrets it, that it was harder for everyone in the long run. 

Also, your selfishness is going to have a lifelong impact on your 13 year old. It will hurt him and you know that. My parents divorced over 20 years ago when I was about that age and it pisses me off to this day. It's created a fear in me of abandonment that I live with in my own marriage. Even though I have no reason to be worried I frequently experience a terror inside that one day out of the blue my wife is going to tell me something like your story or something my mom said. Are you hearing me? What my mother did makes me worried to this day that my wife will leave me for another man or if I lose my job, etc. 

I'm kind of sorry for being so harsh here but things need not to be sugar coated. Hopefully you didn't come here just to have people tell you what you want to hear. 

You don't love this other guy, you love the idea of it, you love the newness and freshness of it and the grass certainly seems greener. I'm sure you're experiencing feelings you haven't felt in a long time. But that's not love. 

My $0.02 is unless there has been some sort of abuse or gross neglect then the marriage and family should be saved. It might seem like an impossible thing right now but it can happen. Even feelings of love can return. Seek out a certified marriage and family therapist, talk to your pastor and if you don't have one, find one.

Good luck.


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## MrsInPain (Feb 5, 2010)

In a nutshell, I agree with Mike1. There really is never an excuse for adultery. Either end the affair or end your marriage. If you choose to stay in the marriage, you must tell your husband what you did. If he chooses to still have you as his wife, you have a lot of work ahead of you. My prayers will be with you.


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## firenice (Feb 9, 2010)

Thanks for the help thats why i'm posting. I have been married for 23 years and have stayed mainly for the kids...but what happens when they (i have two but one is already in college) are all gone and i just can't be happy with the one i'm with. I really am not selfish because for a long time now i have been staying for the kids, so that in itself isn't selfish. People do make mistakes, and i am no exception, but i didn't come here to justify, i came here because i will take advice because i am seriously confused about where you draw the line between your own happiness and your own life, and just living for everybody elses happiness? I have done so much for my kids but i feel now im turning 50 and isn't it my turn? My husband does not abuse me in any way and loves me but there are communication issues and job related issues for over 15 yrs...ups and downs and i have stuck it out, believe me. But i also want to feel like you said that newness again, and this other person wasnt just anyone, he is someone i was with a long time ago and really loved...but is it just an illusion that after 30 yrs i could fall back so quickly in love with him, or is it real? I felt it was real!! Thats all i know, but i really don't want to hurt my son but i see everyone else who walks away...so easily....and for me its not so easy...thats why im here!!


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## TammyH (Feb 5, 2010)

I am not advocating adultery or divorce in the least little bit. But if you can honestly say that you have worked on your marriage 110% (counseling, honesty, trying to reconnect) and you still do not feel as if you can reconnect with him and your marriage, then get out. You should never get out because you have found someone else that makes you feel good. Because I am here to tell you, it takes way more than 2 weeks to determine if you can have a lasting relationship with that person or not. Then what happens if you it doesn't work out? Get out of the marriage for YOU. Also, it is not fair to your husband if you are just staying in the marriage for the kids. He has every right to be married to a woman who adores him and who wants to be with him because she can't imagine being with any one else. Best wishes and may love and happiness be yours.


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## firenice (Feb 9, 2010)

I know but i knew this man from my teenage years...he was my first love. But in any case, its more about my son. I do not want to hurt him and uproot him to another state just because i am unhappy. Also, i think 2 weeks is too short as well, so i was thinking of revisiting every so often before i even made a decision. But, its been on my mind a long time in my marriage, the divorce, so it wouldn't be because of this affair. Ive thought of this way before....thanks so much!!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He is a fantasy. He seems wonderful because you aren't sharing your boring day-to-day issues with him. With HIM, all you get is 'fun' time. Of course he seems wonderful. It's fake.

Bottom line, your son will repeat your behavior. Do you want him to cheat on his wife?


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## firenice (Feb 9, 2010)

True, and of course not to your question. BUt i was so happy and now i am so bored and lonely. I can't help my feelings. My husband is just not him and doesn't give me that spark anymore. Is this normal for a marriage of 21 years. Why do so many people get divorced then if the new partner is just fake, do they all end up miserable after divorce?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yes. Nearly all marriages that come out of affairs end up in divorce.


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## tony (Feb 12, 2010)

Well, everyone wants to be happy in their marriage but the truth is, its not always happy...and that's just life. Couples have their flaws, you need to learn how to accept those but just getting bored to your marriage is not an excuse. Btw, there's no such thing as "sparks in the marriage" cos its up to you to brighten up your marriage if you want to. I totally agree to Mike. Marriage is not like a food that if you don't like the taste you can spit it anytime. It should be treasured and be taken care of. Marriage is ups and down but it doesn't mean we need to commit adultery. We need to work it up everyday to gain happiness and newness you said.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you're _bored and lonely_, why don't you act like a responsible adult, wife, and mother, and FIX your marriage? Instead of taking the selfish way out and pleasing ONLY YOURSELF?

Why do you think you're bored and lonely? Most likely because you bore your husband, because you make no effort to make HIM happy and meet HIS needs, so he therefore makes no effort to make YOU happy or meet YOUR needs. 

You're the one here for advice, so here it is: Stop thinking about yourself for awhile, and spend a couple months trying to be an amazing wife. Care for him, think about him, go look at old pictures and remember why you loved him, try to put yourself in his place to realize what HE is thinking day to day, and become the person who makes him happy. If you do, HE will turn around and want to make YOU happy. Then you can sit down and talk about your relationship and how to make it back like it was when you were dating.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Ok, if you want to stay with your husband & truly work on rekindling the flame, take the time to do this: Gather a lifetime of photograghs of you & him together, download a few love songs you once called your own, if you have the free Program Movie maker on your computer, put these together and make a video. It is very simple to use, my 11 yr old son showed me. It is Amazing what viewing all these memories of you & him -what it can do to your soul , a flood of emotions come rushing in. 

I did this for myself one night, just because I wanted to do this for us, I was not having any personal issues or needing to rekindle anything, BUT I swear this jumpstarted something within me that has NOT quit for over a year now, it lit some kind of fire that is still burning. Then I made more videos with like 6 songs & included all the kids. I feel I am so much more in love with my husband than any time in our whole marraige, just looking back at all the beautiful times we shared. 

I also made one of these videos for a close friend, it brought tears to her husbands eyes. They were having some problems, I know that video helped them appreicate each other a little more during that time. 

And if you are truly confused about If the Grass may be greener on the other side, a fantastic book that weighs all these kinds of issues...are you being selfish, should I stay for the kids (many women are selfless & will choose this OVER their own happiness, and for them, this is the right choice IF they can remain happy because of it), Is this fair to him, why the Freshness/newness WILL wear off, that in fact this is NOT reality and can not be compared with your current marraige, get this BOOK today (below). 

Some may have a problem with this title, but it appears very balanced and in no way does it endorse having an affair, or that an 
affair is OK - it goes to great lenghts explaining the various unmet needs of spouses that help those who are weak more easily fall into an affair. Nor does it tell you to run for a divorce. 

But as another mentioned, abuse or neglect is good reasons, but also If you are SO miserable in your current marraige, sometimes the kids are better off if they have a HAPPY parent(s) than see 2 miserable ones their entire growing up years , then they will never have trust in the idea of happiness & marraige going hand in hand. You don't want that either. BUt it sounds like your children are much older and beyond this worry. 

Amazon.com: When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts & Minds of People in Two Relationships (9780312563448): Mira Kirshenbaum: Books

May your choices be weighed very very carefully.


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## firenice (Feb 9, 2010)

THanks everyone. I have tried to be a good wife for a long time, it goes well for awhile, and then we (it takes two, its not only up to me to work on it) both get back in the same patterns. Im not saying its totally his fault, as the one mentioned above, but its not just up to me either to be a good wife and he just sits back. We both are to blame and i think i realize that which is an important step. As dr. phil says, what we don't acknowledge we cant change. B ut whenever i address what my needs are to him, because he is the type to say everything is fine, so its therefore always me who is complaining, so it seems, i tell him my wants and needs emotionally and romantically and he says its unrealistic to be married this long and have that picture in my mind. But i am very romantic and i really need and miss that closeness. Does anybody understand? Cause he just doesn't have the same needs as me. Maybe its a gendor thing, man vs. woman. He seems perfectly content, so how can i be a good wife if he makes like everything is fine. And then on my side, i feel everything is missing. And im just being honest on here.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, honestly, the right thing for you to do is tell him the truth. Tell him you had an affair, and part of the reason is because you get nothing (or not enough) from HIM. Tell him that you want to stay, but it won't last if he doesn't wake up and realize what you're missing. 

Men are notorious for ignoring all the warning signs, until the wife is out the door. I think it's because men grow up being 'nagged' by their moms, since their dads don't participate in raising children 'drudgery', and they simply have a 'turn off' button. The instant you start telling him what's wrong (with him, in his mind), he stops listening. 

One sure-fire way to get him to finally listen is to tell him the truth, so that he realizes how VERY close you are to leaving him for good.

Plus, you can't have a real marriage if you hide something as huge as an affair, anyway.


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## firenice (Feb 9, 2010)

Yes, he was really nagged by his mother, he comes from being the only son, with three sisters. And he was treated like his mom's slave. Ridiculous. It seems like he tries to change but then it never lasts...remember ive been married 21 years so ive been through this before...alot of stuff happened to get to obviously having the affair. But he never hardly seems like he cares about me ...its the little things that matter to me not the big things. Its just me. I feel like im already single. And then he just sits there oblivious ...like hes happy!! So weird!!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So...let him decide if he wants to stay married. Tell him the truth and tell him things will get worse, or YOU will move out, if he doesn't finally decide to listen to you.

Unless you're just staying there for his money.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I told my ex more than once that he could not treat me like his mother, and ignore me until I got mad. I told him all the time what I needed and wanted from him. When I said I was done, and he said, "You have to give me a chance," I said, "I cherished you for 20 years. You had plenty of chances." He had nothing to say b/c he knew it was true. 

I think this is fairly common now--women just won't live with it anymore. Doesn't have to be another man in the pic; we're just tired of the extra work and responsibility the other adult adds to our lives and we finally decide to "save ourselves." Selfish? Maybe. But then, we are all entitled to act in our own best interest. I know I couldn't be happy if my kids were miserable, so I did everything I could to make sure they weren't. It hurt me to see them have some pain, but it was not crushing--I was careful to consider their needs and so was the ex. They have come out of it pretty darn happy. We have a long way to go, but my kids have not heard any sniping back and forth between us and neither of us says unkind things about the other to them. They are actually becoming closer to their dad b/c he wouldn't get involved with them when I was around--let mom do everything. That is the one good thing and yes, I did try to get my ex to change before we divorced. Little improvement, then backsliding. As with everything else I tried, and he "doesn't believe" in counseling. 

Research shows that 70% of people are as happy or happier after divorce. 30% remain less happy--and there is a high correlation between that 30% and those who blame the divorce on the other partner. Interesting stuff.

ps: I told my husband my needs in a loving way. He actually said, "You never screamed and cried about things. How was I to know they were important?" Uh, maybe b/c I said things like, "This is important to me?"


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## tony (Feb 12, 2010)

hi firenice,
just wondering what specifically your complaining to your husband and what do you want him to do? And most men are not good in listening..i guess you better shift your approach in a different way. There's so much ways we could communicate to our husband not just talking, you might try writing the things you wanted to tell him even if you said it over and over. you can try being a quiet for awhile then if he ask you then his ready to listen..cos guys/man if they aren't interested on what you're saying they will just comment a nonsense phrases or words well infact they really dont understand everything you said. plus for them its a noise in their ears when you try to explain something. everything needs the right time and the right approach. 
hope to let me know what you think. thanks!


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