# Why is she unhappy? What can I do



## manin_charge

First off, I love my wife very much. Me and my wife have been together almost 3 years, and married about 1 and 1/2 yrs. We have never had any real problems until recently. Just recently we had an argument and I told her I felt as though we were growing apart, she agreed, and that's when it all came out. She started saying how unhappy she was, and how she's felt this way for several months. So we discuss her fillings and I express myself. We come to an agreement to try to make things work. After about a week, I could tell that things still were the same for her. I asked if she was ok, that's when it came out again. How she was unhappy, how she loved me but wasn't IN love wiht me anymore. She doesn't know why she's unhappy, but she knows that she is unhappy. She decided to stay at her sisters for the night. Afterwards we talked and she told me that she feels that we need a counselor, cause she doesn't know why she feels the way she does, she just knows that she's not happy. We have seen a counselor, and it still feels as though no progress is being made. Everytime I try to show her some affection or love, I can feel that she is not receptive. She has said in counseling that the more I try, the more she feels put off by my efforts. It's discouraging to try, knowing that it just makes things worse. I feel that maybe I should prepare for the worst. That maybe the warning signs are their, I'm just oblivious to them, or I'm trying to hard to make it work. I'm looking for some advice, some words of comfort. Something to help with this confusion my wife has put me throught.


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## Corpuswife

She is reaching out to you. She wants counseling. Ask around and get a referral for a marriage counselor. Show her that you are willing to take action instead of worry. Worry never gets you anywhere. 

Don't ask her how she feels about the relationship all of the time. She already told you at this point...let the marriage counseling be used for this topic. 

Read some self help books...The Love Dare or Five Love Language (by Chapman). 

You will be more attractive by not appearing needy and taking action.

Good luck.


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## DawnD

Hi there. I am new here, but I thought I would shout out to you. Husband and I have been married over 7 years, and they have been rocky ones. When we went to see a marriage counselor, I actually wasn't all that comfortable talking about things in front of my husband. It turns out it worked better for me to go see a counselor by myself. I wasn't happy with my life, but it had very little to do with my husband. I was doing nothing for myself. Now here I am about 6 months later, starting college soon and have my own focus in life. Maybe you should ask your wife if she thinks she would get more out of seeing a counselor alone to talk about her issues, before you join her??


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## dobo

How old are you both? First marriage? 

My strongest recommendation is that she attend counseling without you. She needs to deal with her own feelings without having to be responsible for yours.

Also, read the posts by Loving Husband in the general section (can't think of what it is called.)

My gut tells me that this is a first marriage and she doesn't understand that marriage isn't all wonderful all of the time and that her expectations of marriage and of you were unrealistic. Did she date much before you? Were there any indications of ambivalence on her part prior to marriage?


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## sisters359

I think it is great that you are having these talks before years have gone by. That's the good news.

Now the rest. First, it sounds like y'all expect results right away--you said "after a week, she still wasn't feeling better" or something like that. THESE THINGS TAKE TIME! You didn't get to this point in a week; it won't get fixed in a week, either. Good communications and realistic expectations (about marriage, about improving a relationship) are essential to a successful LIFE, not just your marriage. 

Second, stop right now with the trying to "show love" or affection. Show that you value, respect, and trust her, esp. that you trust her to make an honest effort in repairing the marriage. Don't try to be cuddly or affectionate or sexual. If she ain't feeling it, these things will drive her further away. Instead, ask her opinion on things that happen at your job, or stuff you read in the paper/hear on the news (if you don't read the news, start!). Initiate conversations about things that interest you both, too, even if it is a short conversation. Listen without doing anything else, giving her your focused attention--but don't literally drop everything, run to her side, and stare deeply into her eyes the whole time she speaks!). Rebuild some common ground, then ask her on a date after a couple of weeks--just like the old days. Make it simple and fun--bowling, playing pool, skeet shooting, whatever. Keep up the fun and the talking and, as someone else said, save the relationship stuff for the counseling office. Best of luck!


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## manin_charge

This morning my wife tells me that maybe we should reschedule tomorrows counseling. She says she feels that she isn't getting anywhere with the counseling. She says she doesn't want to give up, but it's hard for her. She feels like we are still in the same place as before. I told her it will take time, but it still frustrates me that she suggested we reschedule. I'm just curious if I'm missing some type of sign that says she's done. Cause a part of me thinks she is. I feel that maybe I should start disconnecting myself from her, to prepare myself for the worst, if that were to come. Dont' get me wrong, I want this relationship to work in everyway possible, but it's difficult when it feels like she doesn't love me. I think I'm gonna try to take the first posters advice and just act like when never had our discussion, just act like everything is fine and dandy. Hopefully this helps, any advice at this time would also be helpful.


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## dobo

If you want to disconnect to save yourself pain, you should throw in the towel yourself. 

If you love her and want to stay married, be honest and work toward it. Marriage isn't for cowards and your thoughts of saving yourself is a cowardly act.


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