# Porn Addiction becoming something more?



## NickNack (Mar 24, 2013)

Hello, this is my first post and I have tried everything to get advice and this seems like the best place.

My husband and I have been together for 5 years. We just had our first child in September. I was my husband's first EVERYTHING, he has never known anything else. So when I was bed ridden after the birth for a few months he dabbled in pornography. I thought it was normal until I saw the computer- a macbook- was completely filled with porn; videos, photos, screenshots. It was sickening I couldn't even take a video of our baby because the memory was full. I asked him to delete it. He said no. Now he deletes the history on the computer after every use. 

Then I noticed he was emailing pictures-normal pics of him smiling with the dogs or something- to some girl I told him not to talk to. He said he could do whatever he wanted and insulted me for not being a virgin before we met- granted I did not have a say in the loss of my virginity.

Fast forward to our baby being 6 months old- he starts trying to get me to talk dirty to him, it starts off fun but then he asks about my mom/sister!? I stopped and walked away from him. Now last night he had a long conversation with me saying he was confused and felt he had a right to dominate and was saying weird things about involving other girls and then my mom and sister again. I asked if he wanted an affair and he got immediately defensive. 
I am so confused right now! I am repulsed by his actions. I feel like the pornography is muddying his morals and skewing the lines between fantasy and reality. I am hurt and heartbroken, especially when he tells me I don't love him because I won't let him go to gentlemen clubs to get dances. 

Sorry this is long and I am sorry if I posted this in the wrong section. I just really want my old husband back


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

He is disrespectful to you, and controlling. My question to you is, why are you still there and letting him treat you this way? I did not say you caused it but by staying you are allowing him to continue to treat you like this. IMO, I would have been gone, baby or no baby. I would not gonna put up with that BS and thats what it is. Of course thats just me. 

He is telling you and showing you what his priorities are, and you're not one of them. I would get my ducks in a row and go from there.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

You need to post this on the Coping With Infidelity board of this site. Most likely you are dealing with an affair. You will get some good advice over there.

Do you get along with your In-Laws? Tell them what their son has been doing. This behavior needs to be exposed.


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## NickNack (Mar 24, 2013)

That's what I feared. I just wasn't sure if guys could go through some sort of postpartum depression or confusion/anxiety like women do. It only started after the baby was born. I don't understand if he suddenly got cold feet or what. I already told him I had to have some time alone to think and he got very upset and kept apologizing saying to forget he ever said anything about the threesome, but how can I!? He says he wants me to want him to go get lap dances and I just get so depressed about it. I just didn't know if there was any kind of counseling that may help him go back to how he was. But I guess my marriage is unsalvageable. =(


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

NickNack said:


> It only started after the baby was born. (


Have you shown him any attention or affection since the baby was born? Sometimes men start to feel slighted when a baby comes along. They feel rejected because their wives are taking care of another human being. Has he been involved with the baby much?

It still doesn't give him the right to act this way, who knows perhaps he was really like this before the baby, and he is just now showing you his true colors.


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## NickNack (Mar 24, 2013)

I had a 3rd degree internal tear of the vaginal wall so I was not allowed to have sex for 3 months, which is why I suggested he look at porn for awhile- huge mistake. It is still very painful to have intercourse but I have been trying and then he springs this on me from out of left field. It's not like I just lay there like a brick when we are intimate either, we try a lot of new things and do some role playing.

When he was courting me, he knew I had been in a previous abusive relationship and that my ex was having multiple affairs behind my back. He KNEW that I fell in love with him for his morals, his kindness and loyalty. So this is just very strange to me.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

My suggestion, tell him how he has made you feel. Tell him what you have told us here. Then tell him you feel maybe you both could benefit from some MC. He is refuses to go, then tell him thats fine you will seek out IC, and then proceed from there on what you feel you need to do. Tell him you would like to save the marriage, and you hope he feels the same, if he doesn't tell him then its probably best you all move on, and your next step would be to seek out the advice of a lawyer.


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## ggtam000 (Aug 9, 2012)

NickNack said:


> Hello, this is my first post and I have tried everything to get advice and this seems like the best place.
> 
> My husband and I have been together for 5 years. We just had our first child in September. I was my husband's first EVERYTHING, he has never known anything else. So when I was bed ridden after the birth for a few months he dabbled in pornography. I thought it was normal until I saw the computer- a macbook- was completely filled with porn; videos, photos, screenshots. It was sickening I couldn't even take a video of our baby because the memory was full. I asked him to delete it. He said no. Now he deletes the history on the computer after every use.
> 
> ...


There are couple of things. Both of you should realize that it is ok that he has a female friends and you have a male friends. IT does occasionally happens that people get jealous over their partner's interaction with someone else. However you should set some limit. Does he frequently meet this woman? Does he seem to have gone for a long time? If so you have a reason to suspect he might be having affiar. If he does you guy guy should talk about it. 

I have some rules for myself. I think of one night stand or sex with someone else ok as long as i am not in relationship. Sex is a need. However when I am in relationship, I do not support any of these. Of course i talk to other woman but no physical or sexual contact. Because I dont like to go through heartbreak, I dont like to get someone go through heartbreak too.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

He asked about your mom and sister, when he asked you to talk dirty to him? 

Here is my thought on the whole thing...I doubt this is something that just started once the baby was born... There is way to many things going on for him that he is doing, talking about, thinking about etc, for it to have just all of a sudden happened. 

Regardless of when it started though, you have a mess on your hands... Bottom line is, its all in what you will and will not tolerate in your marriage... He tells you he feels he has the right to dominate, and that he wants other girls involved etc. So the next time he tells you he has the right to whatever, you tell him you also have the right to pull the plug on the marriage. 

Its time for boundaries to be set by you... If you set them and he crosses them, then you need to proceed to the next chapter of your life, and it sounds like it doesn't need to be with him.


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## NickNack (Mar 24, 2013)

trey69- thanks. You said a lot of things I needed to hear. I know he has struggled with depression in the past but he has always taken his medication- that I know of. The mother and sister thing really made me want to throw up. I know some porn he watched was you know titled mom and daughter do this or twin sisters do that- I don't have a twin but she looks a lot like me. That's why I was saying he is getting the line between fantasy and reality muddied up. 

It really did come on all of a sudden. There was no inkling of this our entire marriage. I feel like he is trying to take advantage of me in my weakened state- sleep deprived, injured, extremely passive, etc.

I am going to talk to him about counseling, see how he reacts and if he doesn't apologize and genuinely want to make things work, then I am packing his bags for him and kicking him to the curb.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

NickNack said:


> It really did come on all of a sudden. There was no inkling of this our entire marriage.


It may or may not have. Some people are good at hiding their true self and revealing it later on. Regardless though, it sounds very damaging and thats why you need to make a decision soon on what to do. Let us know what he says to MC, my guess is he wont go, because in his mind he doesn't see this as a problem.


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