# Need Man's Perspective



## Jesswalter75 (Jan 27, 2019)

*Please help!*

My husband is very manipulative and plays lots of mind games, he tells me daily how much he cant stand me and just wants to be rid of me. I work 7 days a week 12 hour shifts, pay every single bill we have, give him cash when he's short of it and he NEVER goes anywhere with me. He's been out every weekend since at least September, didn't include me in the family holidays but when I finally work up the courage to say okay I will give you a divorce he gets offended like he can't believe I would say that and says things along the lines of "don't you know that if I really wanted a divorce we wouldn't still be together"....I own the home we live in and he never leaves and I surely not going anywhere. All I ask of him is to let me know where he's going when he goes out and that we spend a little time together, neither of which he does. What's his deal??? Does he really want out?


----------



## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

*Re: Please help!*

My ex did this. Turns out he wanted me to file--to be blamed (religious reasons). He did this for many years. One of many ways he made me feel 'less than' and unwanted. Take him up on his offer--see if he scrambles?

Depending on where you live, judge decides separation of property. You may both be stuck there for a while, but you are now anyway.


----------



## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

*Re: Please help!*

Threatening divorce is a form of manipulation and ultimately abuse if he doesn't mean it. Get the papers ready, so the next time he threatens divorce you can put them on the table and say, "Sign here and I will be done with you."


----------



## NorseViking (Apr 14, 2018)

*Re: Please help!*

Serving divorce papers = shock and awe.
I do believe he will not expect you to do it.
Anyway, just deny him sex.
Tell him no marriage = no sex.
Let him suffer.
Tell him to cook his own dinner, wash his own clothes.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

*Re: Please help!*

He wants YOU to file so that he can say "I didn't want the divorce -- SHE did it" -- to save face with friends/family, etc.. Make YOU look like the bad guy and that he is a saint. Don't fall for it. File, but tell EVERYONE you know why. Beat him to the punch. Sounds like a real manipulative SOB.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

*Re: Please help!*

Don't divorce just kick him out. That will force his hand and he will file.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

*Re: Please help!*

Honey you need to give him exactly what he wants !!!! Go get those papers. That is flat out abuse / MANipulation.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Jesswalter75 said:


> My husband is very manipulative and plays lots of mind games, he tells me daily how much he cant stand me and just wants to be rid of me. I work 7 days a week 12 hour shifts, pay every single bill we have, give him cash when he's short of it and he NEVER goes anywhere with me. He's been out every weekend since at least September, didn't include me in the family holidays but when I finally work up the courage to say okay I will give you a divorce he gets offended like he can't believe I would say that and says things along the lines of "don't you know that if I really wanted a divorce we wouldn't still be together"....I own the home we live in and he never leaves and I surely not going anywhere. All I ask of him is to let me know where he's going when he goes out and that we spend a little time together, neither of which he does. What's his deal??? Does he really want out?


If your account here is accurate, whether or not he really wants out is irrelevant. Completely and utterly irrelevant. 

His actions and treatment of you is such that you should want out... like yesterday. 

You need to give him what he said he wanted, and more importantly, what you need... and what you deserve, which is a life where you can enjoy the fruits of your labor and not sacrifice any of yourself to this bloodsucking parasite.


----------



## Spent (Jan 27, 2019)

In one way he has it made, in another the roles seem to be reversed? I doubt he would leave, why would he? You are doing all the work providing for all of his needs, if he left he would have to support himself? I am somewhat traditional I guess in that I do believe in the biblical concept that it is the mans responsibility to provide for the needs of his wife. Not to say the wife can not work or be successful, but that it should not be expected, as it is not her responsibility to do so. He seems happy with the arrangement, although I also suspect he is somewhat resentful of the fact you are in charge of things and more financially successful it sounds like.
To me the real question is why do you want to stay in this relationship? What are you getting out of it? It really sounds to me like you are just being used? Sorry, not meaning to try and make you feel bad or be offensive, that is just honestly how it appears from the info. given?


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Jesswalter75 said:


> My husband is very manipulative and plays lots of mind games, he tells me daily how much he cant stand me and just wants to be rid of me. I work 7 days a week 12 hour shifts, pay every single bill we have, give him cash when he's short of it and he NEVER goes anywhere with me. He's been out every weekend since at least September, didn't include me in the family holidays but when I finally work up the courage to say okay I will give you a divorce he gets offended like he can't believe I would say that and says things along the lines of "don't you know that if I really wanted a divorce we wouldn't still be together"....I own the home we live in and he never leaves and I surely not going anywhere. All I ask of him is to let me know where he's going when he goes out and that we spend a little time together, neither of which he does. What's his deal??? Does he really want out?


Do you have kids?

Please say no...


----------



## Jesswalter75 (Jan 27, 2019)

No, we do not have any children together. I stay because I love him deeply and feel an overwhelming sense that God doesn’t want me to give up on him. I know it sounds crazy, I question myself daily as to what on earth I’m doing...


----------



## Jesswalter75 (Jan 27, 2019)

And as far as me being in control...I control nothing really. We have completely separate bank accounts have never shared a joint one and basically all I do is pay the few bills we have...my home and all vehicles are paid for so we just have monthly bills like phone, electric, cable, insurance....I work, come home bathe and go to bed..that’s my routine each and every day. He stays away from me as much as possible. Last night I asked for a hug, didn’t get it...then about 6 hours later (after he had been out that entire time) when he came back home asked how bad I wanted to be hugged my response was pretty badly, so he comes back with well bad enough to give me a BJ for one...needless to say I still haven’t received the hug I so desperately need. Never have I seen or heard of such a cruel person to someone who treats them so well.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Your husband is not a man.


----------



## Spent (Jan 27, 2019)

You need to seek a good counselor as what you are describing is simply an abusive relationship. God does not make us to be door mats for others to abuse. Again, not trying to be mean, but if he is this abusive and you still feel a need to be accepted by him you have some issues you need to work through on your own.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Ummm...

I think you need some serious intensive counseling.

I'm a Christian and have been involved with ministry going back over 20 years and I don't think God is telling you to stay with this detritus unless God is going to kill him like Nabal.

Do you believe God wants you to stay with this abuser?


----------



## Jesswalter75 (Jan 27, 2019)

I feel like I’m suppose to pray for him and stay true to my vows and not just give up easily and I honestly have no idea why I feel this way. I know I don’t deserve the mental and emotional abuse but I also don’t know why I can’t walk away


----------



## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

Jesswalter75 said:


> I work 7 days a week 12 hour shifts,


I am curious HOW you can manage to have a relationship at all together, if you are working over 80hrs a week?

Has it always been this way? Did you previously spend much quality time together?

Does he work? 

It sounds like a bad situation on the surface, but a little more information might help your cause


----------



## Jesswalter75 (Jan 27, 2019)

We don’t have much of one at all I’ve had been off 14 since Sept 1...I’ve spent most of those home alone, he spends very little time with me when I am actually off. I leave for work at 5am and get home around 7:30pm take a bath lay down in bed, he stays mostly in the living room and I basically beg him to come lay with me to watch a little tv...he’s currently in the living room and I’m in bed. He is home for me most part Monday thru Thursday nights, he’s been out every Friday and Saturday since beginning in Sept...I’ve worked 7 days for an entire year now and the previous year I worked mostly 6 days a week...prior to that I didn’t work I was home daily to cook and clean and actually brought him lunch almost daily to his job. Our entire relationship I’ve doted on him and been extremely attentive to his needs and wants and have literally spoiled the crap out of him. I think he just hates me but I don’t know why...seriously all I ask of him is to let me know where he’s going when he’s going out and to lay down with me and watch some tv. When I do venture out into our living room he tells me I can only stay if I promise to be quiet and not talk. Says he can’t stand the sound of my voice it just gets on his fn nerves....


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You are unwell.

Please get help.


----------



## Jesswalter75 (Jan 27, 2019)

He does work, generally 5 days a week but his job is dependent upon the weather...rainy wet weather no work. He doesn’t call or text me during the workday either, he has sent me two texts messages in the last three weeks. All my texts are unresponded to, I am basically completely ignored...he’s in the living room right now having a normal conversation about his job with his mother but he never would do that with me. Our first year together was wonderful, but seriously about two weeks after the wedding he completely changed


----------



## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

What Conan said.

80+ hrs a week for a solid year, I'm amazed you haven't completely shut down.

Unless you are a CEO, or an inventor looking to build something in Silicon Valley, that is not much of a life to have, and this is BEFORE dealing with the issues of your partner.

Without knowing his perspective, it does sound like he has been spoiled, and has become accustomed to that type of treatment and lifestyle.

Help yourself before you do anything else because it sounds like you are not in a relationship, but house mates... bad house mates


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Jesswalter75 said:


> No, we do not have any children together. I stay because I love him deeply and feel an overwhelming sense that God doesn’t want me to give up on him. I know it sounds crazy, I question myself daily as to what on earth I’m doing...


If you love someone "deeply" that is so horrible and treats you so bad - that is in fact crazy and you need to seek some serious evaluation and therapy by a professional.

..... And on a more theological note; I doubt if God appreciated you blaming him for your misery, dysfunction and maladaption.


----------



## Jesswalter75 (Jan 27, 2019)

It hasn’t always been like this I’ve been working 7 days a week for about a year now... before that I worked 6 days a week for a year prior to that I didn’t work, I stayed home and took care of house and him, generally brought him lunch to work almost daily. He does work but his job is dependent upon weather. Wet rainy days no work...our first year together was wonderful he changed almost immediately after wedding....it’s been complete hell for three years now. He basically ignores me completely, but needs me to dote on him and shower him with my attention. When I retreat into a shell and don’t shower him he then says I don’t love him....he is just all about mind games and I don’t know how to play that way


----------



## Jesswalter75 (Jan 27, 2019)

I don’t blame God for anything....


----------



## Jesswalter75 (Jan 27, 2019)

I work in the Petrochemical industry


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Jesswalter75 said:


> I stay because I love him deeply and feel an overwhelming sense that God doesn’t want me to give up on him.


Chapter, and verse ????

Not "overwhelming sense", but the words of God as recorded in the bible. Do you search the scriptures to find the will of God ? Or do you trust "senses", etc. ?

If you have a biblical mandate for your choice, I will accept that as being a worthwhile and factual reason you should remain, and would support your decision and offer you help
and prayer.

My questions are for the purpose of saying to you that knowing the expressed will of God from the bible brings us strength, determination, and comfort in our circumstances, and also wisdom which can help you understand your spouse and why his behavior is so.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Jesswalter75 said:


> I don’t blame God for anything....


If you are accepting such treatment because you believe that is what God wants, then how is that not blaming God.

Although I assume we are going to get a warning from the mods any moment, I too challenge you to report the passage where God commands people to tolerate abuse, mistreatment, disrespect and exploitation by a spouse in marriage.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Jesswalter75 said:


> No, we do not have any children together. I stay because I love him deeply and feel an overwhelming sense that God doesn’t want me to give up on him. I know it sounds crazy, I question myself daily as to what on earth I’m doing...


You need to start figuring out what you need out of this marriage. You need to set some boundaries with your spouse. If he can't live with them, then you need to move on.

I strongly suggest marriage counseling. You are willingly being used by your spouse. This will not end well, unless you change what you will accept.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Jesswalter75 said:


> Our entire relationship I’ve doted on him and been extremely attentive to his needs and wants and have literally spoiled the crap out of him. I think he just hates me but I don’t know why....


Sadly, it's because you're a floor mat.

Men don't respect floor mats. And when you're co-dependent on top of it, it's just that much more unappealing for him.

He's a POS. What part of that are you not able to see?


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Jesswalter75 said:


> We don’t have much of one at all I’ve had been off 14 since Sept 1...I’ve spent most of those home alone, he spends very little time with me when I am actually off. I leave for work at 5am and get home around 7:30pm take a bath lay down in bed, he stays mostly in the living room and I basically beg him to come lay with me to watch a little tv...he’s currently in the living room and I’m in bed. He is home for me most part Monday thru Thursday nights, he’s been out every Friday and Saturday since beginning in Sept...I’ve worked 7 days for an entire year now and the previous year I worked mostly 6 days a week...prior to that I didn’t work I was home daily to cook and clean and actually brought him lunch almost daily to his job. Our entire relationship I’ve doted on him and been extremely attentive to his needs and wants and have literally spoiled the crap out of him. I think he just hates me but I don’t know why...seriously all I ask of him is to let me know where he’s going when he’s going out and to lay down with me and watch some tv. When I do venture out into our living room he tells me I can only stay if I promise to be quiet and not talk. Says he can’t stand the sound of my voice it just gets on his fn nerves....


I dont know what in the hell you think you love about this man, he is an abusive pig and a user. You are just afraid to be alone. Well I tell you what sister, alone beats the **** out of what you have now ANY day! Get this man out of your house and your life!


----------



## Anon Ten (Jan 11, 2019)

It honestly doesn't sound like you have enough time to be in a committed relationship anyway.

I however don't think we are getting the complete story.


----------



## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Jesswalter75 said:


> My husband is very manipulative and plays lots of mind games, he tells me daily how much he cant stand me and just wants to be rid of me. I work 7 days a week 12 hour shifts, pay every single bill we have, give him cash when he's short of it and he NEVER goes anywhere with me. He's been out every weekend since at least September, didn't include me in the family holidays but when I finally work up the courage to say okay I will give you a divorce he gets offended like he can't believe I would say that and says things along the lines of "don't you know that if I really wanted a divorce we wouldn't still be together"....I own the home we live in and he never leaves and I surely not going anywhere. All I ask of him is to let me know where he's going when he goes out and that we spend a little time together, neither of which he does. What's his deal??? Does he really want out?


A better question is Why would YOU want to be married under these circumstances? What, if anything, are you getting out of the marriage? If he really wanted out he would be out. But why on earth would he want out when he can come and go as he pleases and you are his personal workhorse with no say in anything? 

I don't like to discourage marriage but if your post is a truly accurate picture, I think you need to flip the script and 1) talk to an attorney about your options, then 2)say "I'm not giving you a divorce because I think it's what you want. I am giving myself a divorce because it is what I want. I am not happy in this marriage and you need to leave now."


----------



## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Jesswalter75 said:


> No, we do not have any children together. I stay because I love him deeply and feel an overwhelming sense that God doesn’t want me to give up on him. I know it sounds crazy, I question myself daily as to what on earth I’m doing...



Why do you love him deeply? You sound like a classic abuse victim.

I don't know how to say this gently so I'm just going to say it:
The notion that "God doesn't want you to give up on him" is pure nonsense. That is your weak, abused, insecure, non confrontational side looking for excuses to avoid dealing with this obviously unacceptable outrageously one sided relationship.

Have you considered that maybe God put the two of you together to:
1. Help you learn to love and appreciate yourself by standing up for yourself and not accepting such a sad, hurtful life? Don't you think God loves you as much as your husband? I'm not really religious but if you're Christian my understanding is that God wants us to be happy and fulfilled. The way we honor God is through becoming our best selves in an honorable way. Marriage vows do not include a promise to accept emotional abuse.

2. Help your husband to become a better person by learning there are limits to the cruelty he can heap on other human beings if he wants people in his life?


----------



## Adel (Jan 4, 2019)

*Re: Please help!*

at first you can tell him to take all his stuff and leave, as he wants a divorce. And when he will live separately, then let him think again about his wishes. Even if he doesn’t do all this and goes back down, it will give some result. To you and him.
Although the idea to prepare all papers I like too!


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

*Re: Please help!*

Absolutely all of the above!

You can do it.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

*Re: Please help!*

Can a mod merge her threads? @EleGirl @MattMatt...?


----------



## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

*Re: Please help!*



Jesswalter75 said:


> My husband tells me daily he doesn’t want to be with me And that he wants a divorce (But he never leaves...it’s my house so I’m not leaving) when I finally work up the courage to say OK I give up I’m fighting a losing battle he then will say to me don’t you think if I really meant it we wouldn’t be together still....


I do not know how the law works where you are but here in UK if you marry someone, the house or any other property belongs to both of you unless he leaves within five years or you can prove that he only married you to have a roof over his head. So maybe the delay is so that the marriage goes past the five year mark, thus allowing him to own 50% of the house. In that case he would force you to pay him off or to sell the house. 

Find out why he has not left if he definitely does not ant you any more. You need to separate from such a person. Before you do, gather some real solid evidence of him saying these nasty things to you maybe on three or more separate dates. Then come home one night and ask him to leave. Once he has left, change the locks on the house and block his phone so he cannot change his mind and come back to waste more of your time.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Jesswalter75 said:


> I feel like I’m suppose to pray for him and stay true to my vows and not just give up easily and I honestly have no idea why I feel this way. I know I don’t deserve the mental and emotional abuse but I also don’t know why I can’t walk away


You can pray for him to become a better man.* After you have had him served with divorce papers and made to leave your home.*


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Sadly, it's because you're a floor mat.
> 
> Men don't respect floor mats. And when you're co-dependent on top of it, it's just that much more unappealing for him.
> 
> He's a POS. What part of that are you not able to see?


Yeah, but as he isn't a man, that's not necessarily relevant?


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Bad news for your husband, @Jesswalter75 look what happened to his mancard?












Joking apart, you need to seek legal advice. You deserve so much better.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

TJW said:


> Chapter, and verse ????
> 
> Not "overwhelming sense", but the words of God as recorded in the bible. Do you search the scriptures to find the will of God ? Or do you trust "senses", etc. ?
> 
> ...


"Search your feelings..... Use the Force Luke!"


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I've merged your two threads. You will get better input with just one thread.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Jesswalter75 said:


> I feel like I’m suppose to pray for him and stay true to my vows and not just give up easily and I honestly have no idea why I feel this way. I know I don’t deserve the mental and emotional abuse but I also don’t know why I can’t walk away


Here is your answer. Move out, there is nothing in the bible that says you have to live together. Separate your life but don't divorce. Most likely he will divorce you and you are free to go, but maybe he will get the message and change.


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Jesswalter75 said:


> I feel like I’m suppose to pray for him and stay true to my vows and not just give up easily and I honestly have no idea why I feel this way. I know I don’t deserve the mental and emotional abuse but I also don’t know why I can’t walk away


I think you probably feel that way because you likely grew up in the same kind of church I did.

If he wont touch you, he is betraying you sexually. That is sexual sin. He is certainly guilty of neglect.

Have you considered that by.putting up with it, he has no reason to deal with his own sin? Holding him accountable would actually be a good thing.


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Anon Ten said:


> It honestly doesn't sound like you have enough time to be in a committed relationship anyway.
> 
> I however don't think we are getting the complete story.


Lol....why?


----------



## Anon Ten (Jan 11, 2019)

It took several posts to even find out he had a job. It just all seems very one sided. There has to be a reason he's acting this way. I'm not saying it's justified. I just want 102% of the information, but we don't know a single thing about him.


----------



## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Don’t use language instrumentally.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Anon Ten said:


> It took several posts to even find out he had a job. It just all seems very one sided. There has to be a reason he's acting this way. I'm not saying it's justified. I just want 102% of the information, but we don't know a single thing about him.


102%?


----------



## Anon Ten (Jan 11, 2019)

MattMatt said:


> 102%?


All the information and then some. Common expression here.


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Anon Ten said:


> It took several posts to even find out he had a job. It just all seems very one sided. There has to be a reason he's acting this way. I'm not saying it's justified. I just want 102% of the information, but we don't know a single thing about him.


LOL....I kinda figured.

Would you be this skeptical if the genders were reversed?


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Anon Ten said:


> All the information and then some. Common expression here.


I'm assuming you have not posted any advice anywhere then, since we almost never have both spouse's points of view here.....right?


----------



## Anon Ten (Jan 11, 2019)

personofinterest said:


> LOL....I kinda figured.
> 
> Would you be this skeptical if the genders were reversed?


Yes. Very much so. No need to make assumptions. I'm not sexist. Something just didn't sound right with the story.



personofinterest said:


> I'm assuming you have not posted any advice anywhere then, since we almost never have both spouse's points of view here.....right?


Usually we can gain an insight to the spouse's side of the story by questioning the other spouse. In this instance, there was absolutely zero insight into the complete story, which is why I made a point to bring it up.


----------



## Jesswalter75 (Jan 27, 2019)

Not at all a liar or a robot. I am a 43 year old woman who works in the Petrochemical industry along the Gulf Coast. Last days I was off was Christmas Eve and Christmas Day....


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Jess, your days must be brutal! How can you work 7 days a week/12hours? That will eventually burn you out. Are you doing this to save money to get your D? You need to make sure you take care of YOURSELF. He is a poor example of a husband. Very sorry you are going through this.


----------



## Jesswalter75 (Jan 27, 2019)

The facts I have are in fact all FACTS, I work very hard to make a decent living for my family and am a very laid back understanding woman who is being used and abused by a man who definitely doesn’t deserve me, but I love him and am willing to stick around through the bad times bc in the beginning everything was wonderful. Within two weeks of marriage he changed drastically, he’s a liar and a cheater. I’ve forgiven him time after time and just keep praying that God will guide him to be a better man. He hasn’t spoken a word to me since Monday, he ignores my texts and calls and once I’m home acts like I’m not there. So I mind my business, bathe and go to bed and don’t bother him. We once were a very happy and loving couple and could just ride around country roads for hours and talk or hangout at home and do the same watching Our favorite shows on TV. He is obsessed with attention from women and has admitted that but now matter how much of it I showered upon him I was not enough and it’s gotten to where I’m 100% ignored now. He uses copious amounts of data on the cell phone so I know he’s getting the attention from Snapchat and Facebook, neither of which I have. I’ve bought and paid cash for two trucks for him in the last three years totally $85k. If you were to ask him he says I’m the most annoying handicap ***** in the world to quote him. When I ask why he thinks that he says bc I ask where he’s going and he doesn’t want to have to answer to anyone. And when I say ask that’s exactly what I do is simply ask I don’t yell or loose it, I’m a very tolerant and laid back person. I have tremendous natural coping ability, I work 70-84 hours each week, take absolutely ZERO medication and have never been a drinker or drug user. I find it offensive that you would assume I’m lying or not giving a true account of my situation. I came here for advice for a failing marriage that shouldn’t be, why would I give false accounts and make it to where I’m unable to receive sound advice for my problem.


----------



## Jesswalter75 (Jan 27, 2019)

My days are actually not that bad, I've been doing this for nearly two years...a full year of 7/12's and a year prior of 6/12's...all I want is to get to hangout with my husband on Sunday evening when I get off and on Friday and Saturday when he goes out and leaves before I even get home from work to be respectful enough to let me know where he is.. the no texting/calls throughout the workday are hurtful but I can deal with that. I feel like when I do get off I deserve some of his time.


----------



## Jesswalter75 (Jan 27, 2019)

StillSearching said:


> Redacted by moderator


I am a 43 year old woman working in the Petrochemical industry on the Gulf Coast, and I'm definitely not a liar or a robot and I find it offensive that you would say that when I'm here for advice!


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

"When I ask why he thinks that he says bc I ask where he’s going and he doesn’t want to have to answer to anyone. And when I say ask that’s exactly what I do is simply ask I don’t yell or loose it, I’m a very tolerant and laid back person."

HE is not someone who should be married or in an LTR. "he doesn't want to have to answer to anyone" -- what is he, 12?

I think perhaps you are a bit TOO laid back. He needs some sense smacked upside his head (not literally).
Very sorry that you have to deal with this -- bad enough the stress of long hours, much less this to face when you get home


----------



## Jesswalter75 (Jan 27, 2019)

He thinks he's very entitled...always has been apparently, his family sees him as a lost cause and they just over look things mostly bc they don't want to deal with him, he's a pathological liar. His grandfather spoiled him completely rotten and he thinks he can do and say whatever and treat people however he wants...he is somewhat younger than me, in his early 30's but acts mostly like a spoiled brat. And yes he mostly just says he doesn't want to have to answer to anyone period about anything....this is why he also has trouble holding down a job for an extended period of time....he can't make it more than about 6 months at a job and normally misses at least one day a week bc he's tired.....when he does happen to work a "turnaround" and be on the 7/12 schedule like I stay on he never works the full 7 days without missing a day and I am "not allowed" to speak to him at all bc he's just too tired to hear my voice. I guess I'm just trying to find out how or why someone can and is so CRUEL when they are treated like a King! I literally get up out of bed (out of sleep) to get him a glass of water or snack whatever it is he is asking for, I wait on this man hand and foot and basically do all but wipe his butt for him.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Jesswalter75 said:


> I am a 43 year old woman working in the Petrochemical industry on the Gulf Coast, and I'm definitely not a liar or a robot and I find it offensive that you would say that when I'm here for advice!


Moderator warning
@Jesswalter75 is here for help and advice, not for rude, abusive. nasty comments.

Any other such remarks might result in bans.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Jesswalter75 said:


> He thinks he's very entitled...always has been apparently, his family sees him as a lost cause and they just over look things mostly bc they don't want to deal with him, he's a pathological liar. His grandfather spoiled him completely rotten and he thinks he can do and say whatever and treat people however he wants...he is somewhat younger than me, in his early 30's but acts mostly like a spoiled brat. And yes he mostly just says he doesn't want to have to answer to anyone period about anything....this is why he also has trouble holding down a job for an extended period of time....he can't make it more than about 6 months at a job and normally misses at least one day a week bc he's tired.....when he does happen to work a "turnaround" and be on the 7/12 schedule like I stay on he never works the full 7 days without missing a day and I am "not allowed" to speak to him at all bc he's just too tired to hear my voice. I guess I'm just trying to find out how or why someone can and is so CRUEL when they are treated like a King! I literally get up out of bed (out of sleep) to get him a glass of water or snack whatever it is he is asking for, I wait on this man hand and foot and basically do all but wipe his butt for him.




You have to stop doing all that crap for him, he’s a grown man, and he is giving you nothing in return. He deserves nothing. I think what you feel for him isn’t love, it’s familiarity and codependence. You need to get out if this marriage. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

"I guess I'm just trying to find out how or why someone can and is so CRUEL when they are treated like a King! I literally get up out of bed (out of sleep) to get him a glass of water or snack whatever it is he is asking for, I wait on this man hand and foot and basically do all but wipe his butt for him."

OK, STOP doing that for him. He snookered you -- bait and switch. Be Nice until he has you, and now that you are married, he figures he doesn't need to do anything anymore. He already won you.
I've seen lots of guys with this "now I can coast" attitude after marriage, but YOUR husband is FAR worse than that. He is rude, disrespectful, lies to you, and God know what he is doing when he goes "out" -- he could be cheating, and you are kept in the dark. PLEASE do work to protect yourself, your finances, and your long-term future (which to be honest, I don't see HOW it would be with him unless he does a complete 180)


----------



## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

*Re: Please help!*

Jess, is there any chance you could cut back on your hours of work at all? Another question for that would be I suppose, if the option was there, WOULD you take it?

Going between work and your situation at home sounds like a recipe for disaster, illness etc.

Is your cost of living enough so that you could cut back?

I'm just trying to look at this from a different angle


----------



## Jesswalter75 (Jan 27, 2019)

No, cutting back at work isn't an option...and it's not due to my cost of living as everything I own is paid for (home and three vehicles) I just have monthly bills such as insurance, cable, electricity. phone. The industry I work in these are the hours required of me. And yes he's a cheater, this I know. He's been caught many many times and has admitted to being addicted to attention from women. Don't understand his need to cheat either as I am a very attentive wife to ALL of his needs. I just want to know why....why am I not good enough?? Everyone I work with that knows my situation tells me how crazy I am to stay because I'm such an attractive hard working woman. I just love HIM and have no interest in anyone else I want to be enough for him and to be happy like we were in the beginning of our relationship. Last night he told me I was in trouble and now not allowed to speak to him for what was going to be 4 days but I tried to talk so he extended it to 5 days.


----------



## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

Jesswalter75 said:


> No, cutting back at work isn't an option...and it's not due to my cost of living as everything I own is paid for (home and three vehicles) I just have monthly bills such as insurance, cable, electricity. phone. The industry I work in these are the hours required of me. And yes he's a cheater, this I know. He's been caught many many times and has admitted to being addicted to attention from women. Don't understand his need to cheat either as I am a very attentive wife to ALL of his needs. I just want to know why....why am I not good enough?? Everyone I work with that knows my situation tells me how crazy I am to stay because I'm such an attractive hard working woman. I just love HIM and have no interest in anyone else I want to be enough for him and to be happy like we were in the beginning of our relationship. Last night he told me I was in trouble and now not allowed to speak to him for what was going to be 4 days but I tried to talk so he extended it to 5 days.


Jess, the last part of your message screams a severe lack of respect towards you. How can there be a marriage/love/relationship when there is not mutual respect? 

From your description, he is now punishing you, like a child. 

Do you feel you deserve this? If no, then some exploration of new boundaries might be of good use.

Respect towards you (from him) has not only dropped, but it sounds like resentment has taken its place.

Your want to look after your husband's needs is admirable. However, you need to face the possibility that unless something miraculously changes on it's own, you need to step outside your comfort zone, confront his disrespectful behaviour, don't back down, and be prepared to do your own thing for a while until his attitude and behaviour changes.

It is not guaranteed it will. However, as someone who has been in a somewhat similar situation in the past, you will feel a new inner strength for yourself as you realise you do not have to put up with this.


----------



## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Jesswalter75 said:


> I am a 43 year old woman working in the Petrochemical industry on the Gulf Coast, and I'm definitely not a liar or a robot and I find it offensive that you would say that when I'm here for advice!


Sorry, you didn't mention you worked 7 on 7 off.
Just 7 days a weeks 12 hour days.


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

StillSearching said:


> Jesswalter75 said:
> 
> 
> > I am a 43 year old woman working in the Petrochemical industry on the Gulf Coast, and I'm definitely not a liar or a robot and I find it offensive that you would say that when I'm here for advice!
> ...


 She really shouldn't have to mention that to not be made fun of or doubted.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

*Re: Please help!*



Jesswalter75 said:


> My husband is very manipulative and plays lots of mind games, he tells me daily how much he cant stand me and just wants to be rid of me. I work 7 days a week 12 hour shifts, pay every single bill we have, give him cash when he's short of it and he NEVER goes anywhere with me. He's been out every weekend since at least September, didn't include me in the family holidays but when I finally work up the courage to say okay I will give you a divorce he gets offended like he can't believe I would say that and says things along the lines of "don't you know that if I really wanted a divorce we wouldn't still be together"....I own the home we live in and he never leaves and I surely not going anywhere. All I ask of him is to let me know where he's going when he goes out and that we spend a little time together, neither of which he does. *What's his deal??? Does he really want out?*


Who cares? What do YOU want?


----------



## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

personofinterest said:


> She really shouldn't have to mention that to not be made fun of or doubted.


Well with 7 days off shes not as busy and tired as she made it seem. That's all.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I think my previous post was dumped but I believe you are not worshipping God by staying with this guy.

I think you are worshipping him.


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I agree that the OP needs serious intervention, likely separation and divorce. However, for those who may not be aware....

There are MANY Christian groups who believe that since the ONLY caveat Jesus stated overtly that excuses divorce in adultery, that is the ONLY way adultery is not sin. Some even more extreme groups say that even THAT ins't enough reason (see the Duggar cult) because Jesus said that it was only because of the hardness of people's hearts that it was allowed.

I get that 95% of the people here do not believe that (myself included) and that probably 70% of the people here poo belief in a deity in general, *but the OP is a person of faith*.

So let's try not to disrespect her.

OP, there ARE additional justifications for separating, such as abandonment and abuse. One could very well argue that he has abandoned you , at least emotionally, and I would regard some of his behaviors as abusive. I do not believe God's design for marriage was to be trapped in misery.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Jesswalter75 said:


> No, cutting back at work isn't an option...and it's not due to my cost of living as everything I own is paid for (home and three vehicles) I just have monthly bills such as insurance, cable, electricity. phone. The industry I work in these are the hours required of me. And yes he's a cheater, this I know. He's been caught many many times and has admitted to being addicted to attention from women. Don't understand his need to cheat either as I am a very attentive wife to ALL of his needs. I just want to know why....why am I not good enough?? Everyone I work with that knows my situation tells me how crazy I am to stay because I'm such an attractive hard working woman. I just love HIM and have no interest in anyone else I want to be enough for him and to be happy like we were in the beginning of our relationship. Last night he told me I was in trouble and now not allowed to speak to him for what was going to be 4 days but I tried to talk so he extended it to 5 days.


This honestly is disgusting. He cheats because he can, because you let him. Why wouldnt he?? You do EVERYTHING for this loser, and you stay no matter how crappy he treats you. You really need to think better of yourself than this! Find your self respect! You ARENT enough for him, clearly no matter how much you do, so stop doing everything. You are in TROUBLE?? He isnt your father and you are NOT a child! Take these days that you arent "allowed" to talk to him and go talk to a divorce attorney. This isnt love. 

Girl, find your self respect!


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

The beatings will continue until morale improves


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Jess, another thing to consider. You said you KNOW he cheats a lot. Yet you "still attend to his needs". This could be putting YOUR LIFE at risk -- there are tons of bad STD's out there. You should get tested.

Also, PLEASE read up on co-dependency. You are there for sure. You need to understand that YOU are important, not just what your husband wants. Are you ok with an open marriage (at least one-sided - his)??? Loving someone doesn't mean putting up with that crap. Doesn't this make you angry enough to yell at him, tell HIM to knock it off, put consequences on HIM?? You are worth more than that. You have a great job, you own your own house, etc., you are attractive -- you need to understand YOUR worth and what you bring to a relationship. HE is clearly NOT bringing much.

Can you list EXACTLY why you love him? DON'T include, well he was really nice/good to me while dating.
Why do you love him NOW? He ignores you, berates you, "punishes" you, uses you for $$$ since he can't hold a job, lets YOU take care of all the bills. 
What do YOU get out of this? Having someone to come home to that ignores you, won't talk to you, and even if he DOES has no interest in you, your job, your emotions, etc.?

PLEASE think about it, and list those out.


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Jess, you are in a highly abusive relationship. Respectfully, God has nothing to do with it. Do you see that your husband is HIGHLY abusive?


----------



## Jesswalter75 (Jan 27, 2019)

I do not work 7 on 7 off!!!!! I work 7/12's I have not had a day off since Dec. 24 & 25....Read and comprehend it's really not that difficult!


----------



## Jesswalter75 (Jan 27, 2019)

I've had 3 days off since Oct 1st....Thanksgiving Day, Christmas Eve & Christmas Day....and had I wanted I could have came in and made double time each of those days but I did choose to stay home and not one of those days did he stay home and spend with me, and I realize this is a very unhealthy highly abusive relationship. I believe him to be extremely unwell mentally and want nothing more than to help him get well, I know that makes me sound like the crazy one, but I am not. The very morning after I posted on this site I had a man come up to me as I arrived at work and grab my hands and just begin praying for me and tell me that I just have to keep praying and not give up, that God doesn't want me to give up...when he finished his prayer he said to me, as you passed by me God told me go to her right now and pray, this man does not know me or anything about me but like I said in my original post I am constantly reminded by God to persevere and not give up and by that stranger just a day or two ago coming up to me and saying exactly that to me, what else am I to believe. I keep praying for my husband to become the man I know that God wants him to be, buried deep inside there is someone wonderful, I have seen and experienced it. I made vows to stay for better to worse and yes right now I am seeing the worst but I would be such a hypocrite to walk away from someone I love and believe in just because he has fell on dark times. I know that with God's guidance we can and will get through this and there is light at the end of this lonely sad tunnel. Like I've said before I came for advice not belittlement. I find it sad that so many people find relationships disposable!


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Maybe he was praying for you to find the strength to leave and find real happiness.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Jesswalter75 said:


> I've had 3 days off since Oct 1st....Thanksgiving Day, Christmas Eve & Christmas Day....and had I wanted I could have came in and made double time each of those days but I did choose to stay home and not one of those days did he stay home and spend with me, and I realize this is a very unhealthy highly abusive relationship. I believe him to be extremely unwell mentally and want nothing more than to help him get well, I know that makes me sound like the crazy one, but I am not. The very morning after I posted on this site I had a man come up to me as I arrived at work and grab my hands and just begin praying for me and tell me that I just have to keep praying and not give up, that God doesn't want me to give up...when he finished his prayer he said to me, as you passed by me God told me go to her right now and pray, this man does not know me or anything about me but like I said in my original post I am constantly reminded by God to persevere and not give up and by that stranger just a day or two ago coming up to me and saying exactly that to me, what else am I to believe. I keep praying for my husband to become the man I know that God wants him to be, buried deep inside there is someone wonderful, I have seen and experienced it. I made vows to stay for better to worse and yes right now I am seeing the worst but I would be such a hypocrite to walk away from someone I love and believe in just because he has fell on dark times. I know that with God's guidance we can and will get through this and there is light at the end of this lonely sad tunnel. Like I've said before I came for advice not belittlement. I find it sad that so many people find relationships disposable!


There is no advice you can understand.

I will say that bringing children into your relationship would be a Titanic mistake.

I have decades of experience with women in your position and subjecting children to what you are subjecting yourself to is the only thing worse than what the current situation is.

If you received a message from God, you need no advice from us. Keep doing what He told you to and quit wasting the time of mere mortals.

If God did not give you a divine directive to do what you are doing, you are simply another deluded woman in a long line of abused and neglected women.

Seriously, quit asking us for advice because everyone is telling you nearly the same thing and you say God told you otherwise so quit disobeying Him and have faith in what you were told to do.


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Helping him is waaay above your pay grade. Ask me how I know.

I was in a highly abusive relationship for 12 years. I, like you, thought I could help him through a myriad of doctors and therapies. The thing is, with people like them, they have to want the help. Your husband doesn't. Why would he? He's got it made!

Tell you what. Why don't you divorce. Then get back together if and when he becomes the wonderful man you know that's inside. 

He treats you like a damn dog. I suggest you get some intensive therapy to figure out why you stand for this abuse. Your way of thinking about this is not normal. At all.


----------



## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

Jesswalter75 said:


> I just love HIM and have no interest in anyone else I want to be enough for him and to be happy like we were in the beginning of our relationship. Last night he told me I was in trouble and now not allowed to speak to him for what was going to be 4 days but I tried to talk so he extended it to 5 days.


He is staying with you for the financial benefits you provide, he wants to leave but he wants to sponge off of you more. Look at what his actions are showing you, he does not respect you, care about your opinion, does not work to fix issues in the marriage and leaves you alone to go out to the bar / spend your money. The more you let him treat you this way, the less he will respect you and the more he will grow to despise you for not standing up for yourself. Something is broken in him that you cannot fix, what human being would treat someone that they love this way?

This isn't really about him, it's about you. What is your relationship like with your father? Have you been emotionally abused by men in the past? There is a reason you are letting him treat you like a child and disrespect you continuously. You may 'feel' you are meant to save him but that is actually a hallmark of co-dependency. You can pray for him and emotionally support him without being his punching bag. Sometimes loving someone means letting them go so they can grow and stand on their own two feet. Letting him demean you and treat you like crap is not helping him either.


----------



## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

He is staying with you for the financial benefits you provide, he wants to leave but he wants to sponge off of you more. Look at what his actions are showing you, he does not respect you, care about your opinion, does not work to fix issues in the marriage and leaves you alone to go out to the bar / spend your money. The more you let him treat you this way, the less he will respect you and the more he will grow to despise you for not standing up for yourself. Something is broken in him that you cannot fix, what human being would treat someone that they love this way?


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Violet28 said:


> He is staying with you for the financial benefits you provide, he wants to leave but he wants to sponge off of you more. Look at what his actions are showing you, he does not respect you, care about your opinion, does not work to fix issues in the marriage and leaves you alone to go out to the bar / spend your money. The more you let him treat you this way, the less he will respect you and the more he will grow to despise you for not standing up for yourself. Something is broken in him that you cannot fix, what human being would treat someone that they love this way?


Methinks you're talking to a brick wall. The OP hasn't wanted to listen to anyone in this thread, but I'll give you an A+ for effort. :grin2:

When God directs me to come back to this thread and type a reply to someone who doesn't want to face the truth, I'll be back.


----------



## Jesswalter75 (Jan 27, 2019)

My father passed away 12 years ago, and no i’ve Never been abused in any way by any men. My dad was extremely hard on me growing up though.


----------



## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Jesswalter75 said:


> He thinks he's very entitled...always has been apparently, his family sees him as a lost cause and they just over look things mostly bc they don't want to deal with him, he's a pathological liar. His grandfather spoiled him completely rotten and he thinks he can do and say whatever and treat people however he wants...he is somewhat younger than me, in his early 30's but acts mostly like a spoiled brat. And yes he mostly just says he doesn't want to have to answer to anyone period about anything....this is why he also has trouble holding down a job for an extended period of time....he can't make it more than about 6 months at a job and normally misses at least one day a week bc he's tired.....when he does happen to work a "turnaround" and be on the 7/12 schedule like I stay on he never works the full 7 days without missing a day and I am "not allowed" to speak to him at all bc he's just too tired to hear my voice. I guess I'm just trying to find out how or why someone can and is so CRUEL when they are treated like a King! I literally get up out of bed (out of sleep) to get him a glass of water or snack whatever it is he is asking for, I wait on this man hand and foot and basically do all but wipe his butt for him.


He abuses you because it's how he grew up. It's all he knows. Patterns set in childhood are entrenched. He's not going to change. Why should he? So far you've all been blustery talk and no action yourself. So he doesn't need to do anything. He's got it made. You pay all the bills, give him extra money when he doesn't make enough, look after the house and the food, are absent enough for him to have plenty of fun cheating, and you stick around and keep doing it no matter how much of an ******* he is.

You say you think it's what God wants, but how does that saying go? God helps those who help themselves.

This guy treats you like a slave. Break free. Help yourself.



sokillme said:


> Here is your answer. Move out, there is nothing in the bible that says you have to live together. Separate your life but don't divorce. Most likely he will divorce you and you are free to go, but maybe he will get the message and change.


This is a good plan. Sell the house, if yours is the only name on the papers, and buy another one for yourself, but don't tell him where it is. Stay in touch, communicating only by email.

See if he hits rock bottom and actually changes, or initiates divorce himself just to get at the assets.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

*Re: Please help!*



Jesswalter75 said:


> My husband is very manipulative and plays lots of mind games, he tells me daily how much he cant stand me and just wants to be rid of me. I work 7 days a week 12 hour shifts, pay every single bill we have, give him cash when he's short of it and he NEVER goes anywhere with me. He's been out every weekend since at least September, didn't include me in the family holidays but when I finally work up the courage to say okay I will give you a divorce he gets offended like he can't believe I would say that and says things along the lines of "don't you know that if I really wanted a divorce we wouldn't still be together"....I own the home we live in and he never leaves and I surely not going anywhere. All I ask of him is to let me know where he's going when he goes out and that we spend a little time together, neither of which he does. What's his deal??? Does he really want out?


Whether he wants out or not, you should.

Tell him to pack his **** and GTFO.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

You work 12 hour days, 7 days a week? That's 84 hour of work a week! You need to work less first off. Second, you need to divorce your man-child of a husband. He's probably cheating on you. You can't keep living like this. You're going to stroke out by the time you're 40 if your work/life balance remains like this plus taking care of a man-child to boot...


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Last time I read the Bible, I recall there is nothing in it that says a husband should abuse his wife: "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her … husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies." (Eph. 5:25, 5:28)

Nothing wrong with separating from your abusive husband. After all, he is not treating you as the Bible instructs. I just love so-called "Christians" who pervert the Bible to suit their own agenda.


----------



## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Start your 180 right now, and to hell with the mind games! If he doesn't like it, tell him to go get his TS card punched.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Jess, I don't know what your understanding of GOd is but He never asked you to be a doormat.
Your H is abusing you, he does not love you, he has cheated on you (these are biblical grounds to leave him now), he used you for money, etc

Your working hours will also kill any relationship, they are insane. Maybe this is why things have detiorated, he is throwing a tantrum because you are not around to meet his needs.

1. Stop giving him money (you are not his sugar mama)
2. stop buying him trucks or repairing them
3. Stop doing laundry/cooking/cleaning for him
4. Ask him to move out of your bedroom, house
5. Go and see a lawyer, you should have ages ago
6. He is much younger than you and might have needed an older woman to take care of him, but he treats you like he is your teenage son, with no respect.
7. How much more abuse will you take? You are co-dependent, read about it.


----------



## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Jesswalter75 said:


> My father passed away 12 years ago, and no i’ve *Never been abused in any way by any men.* My dad was extremely hard on me growing up though.


You forgot your husband, the reason you posted here in the first place.


----------

