# Trial Seperation "Where are the Success Stories"



## StandbyMe (Aug 5, 2011)

l will not go into the original post I made on 8/05/10. You can read if you desire to understand where I am at this point in our trial separation. Last night I began looking for success stories of any kind related to reconciliation on this web site. I must say I did not see many at all. But I am not discouraged, I must stay positive. 
It has been almost a month since my wife left me. The first 3 weeks were spent in horror and close to insanity from her leaving. I have finally forgiven myself for what I did to my wife as that was a key in picking myself off the floor. I have noticed that some post their age some do not when sharing their stories on this web site. I am 56 wife is soon to be 50 this year. All of our kids are grown and moved away. We are going through job changes in our careers in the middle of this separation. We are both working full time but I have the possibility of extensive travel just within our state in the next month or so. 
I will give you a update as where it stands as of today. We both have contact with each other about every other day on the phone. It is small talk, we don't get into how things went wrong or nothing related to how we got to this point.
There has been no infidelity on either side, neither of us are dating anyone else. My wife has focusing 99 percent of her time and effort on her new job as it took her 3 years to finally find a full time good paying job. 
As you know when you are alone and very serious about reconciliation you search for answers and ideas.
I am a work in progress as of today. I quit drinking about a month ago. Starting exercising to improve my health and plan to read a couple of books (I have never been one to read a lot in the past) I ordered 2 books by Michele Weiner Davis 1- The Divorce Remedy: The proven 7-Step Program for Saving You Marriage
2- Change Your Life and Everyone In It: How To.
I still have a problem sleeping in a bed without my wife laying next to me. I might get 2 hours of sleep a night if I am lucky. No over the counter or prescription sleep aids work and I don't like to take them anyway. 
I am definitely sure my wife is looking for changes in me before we can reconcile. I hear many say "Don't do these changes for her do them for yourself" I tend to disagree with that just a little. I don't see my wife coming back unless I make some changes. So I think some of the statement should be "Make these changes for us" Once again I say, I don't see my wife even wanting to reconcile unless she sees changes in my life. Yes, I am doing these changes for myself to have a positive attitude and to get out of the shell I was living in for many many years. 
I see so many posts on here where couples have been separated for weeks and months and even years. I must say to be separated for years is mind boggling to me but of course I don't know all of the circumstances.
My wife stated to me 3 weeks ago she would not go to marriage consulting together as she was not the one with the problem I was. I say all of this to lead up to a question. As your mind begins to reflect over the years of your marriage and there were other things that lead up to the separation (outside of the drinking and verbal abuse) Do you think it is a good idea to write all of these down to share to your wife at some point from my perspective in order to improve the marriage? Specific examples of why I felt the way I did at the time. Why we had a lack of communication from my perspective? Or do you think this would be detrimental to the effort of reconciliation? My wife has mental scars from the verbal abuse and my weekend binge drinking. She often told me I would drink to share to her how I really felt about her, as I would not communicate with her when I was sober. There were reason's why I would not communicate with her when I was sober. And what I told her when I was drunk was not my true feelings for her.


----------



## Walt (Jul 17, 2011)

You can't make changes for her - those are just manipulative attempts to get her back. 

You need to make changes for yourself. Work out, lose weight, dress better, etc. Most of all - it sounds like you need to see a counselor for yourself. Work out your issues with them. 

As for your W - we all have issues. 50% of the marriage is her fault. She may not be in a place to hear that, but for all the stuff you did to her, she did things back to you. Don't let her blame you for everything b/c if she doesn't start taking responsibility for her half, you aren't going to get anywhere.

Stop begging her back. You look weak and pathetic - the opposite of desirable.

I think it is a great idea for you to start a journal for YOURSELF. I know that I've found great clarity in putting things down on paper. 

Good luck and sorry that you are here.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Just flow. I know it sounds hard, but work on yourself and SHOW HER who you are.

My husband left 6 weeks ago but we are leaps and BOUNDS better than we were. There is love there and we are slowly healing.


----------



## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Changing for yourself will last. Changing to try to get her back most likely won't last. Lasting changes will make you a better person, therefore more desirable to her and others. I agree on the journal. Putting all your thoughts on paper helps you to work through them. Maybe at some point in the future, it would be a good idea to share some of what you learned about yourself with your wife. It is a hard road, but you are not alone.


----------



## LucyLate (Aug 2, 2011)

I don't know. People have advised me to consider a trial separation or an ultimatum of one.
But marriage is marriage and I feel like that's wrong. Doesn't being alone make you feel betrayed? I don't want to leave because I don't want to hurt my husband. But honestly I'd love my husband to beg me to stay or to come back if I left! I'd feel desired and wanted. The opposite of how I feel when he's abusive.

You need to decide that you need to change, for you and for her. And maybe this is the best way for you to be forced into that decision.

I hope you sleep better soon.
My story so far is on Life & Love, so far it might give you a different perspective?


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

LucyLate said:


> I don't know. People have advised me to consider a trial separation or an ultimatum of one.
> But marriage is marriage and I feel like that's wrong. Doesn't being alone make you feel betrayed? I don't want to leave because I don't want to hurt my husband. But honestly I'd love my husband to beg me to stay or to come back if I left! I'd feel desired and wanted. The opposite of how I feel when he's abusive.
> 
> You need to decide that you need to change, for you and for her. And maybe this is the best way for you to be forced into that decision.
> ...


Nice blog Lucy. I'm perplexed about why begging would make you feel desired.


----------

