# Husband wants to be alone.



## Motheroffive08 (Jan 9, 2016)

My husband told me he just wants to be alone. He doesn't really say much. He told me he doesn't love me anymore. What I don't understand if he wants to be alone why does he come home every night? I started sleeping downstairs after he told me he didn't love me. Well every night he still ask me if I'm going to sleep upstairs with him. Some nights I do and others I don't. I have told him plenty of times the door is right there. I am not keeping him here. All he tells me is I can't make you happy. I just want to be alone. If he wants to be alone so bad why is he even coming home? We have 5 kids. We have been together about 15 years and married going on 8. Well don't think it will be 8. I just don't understand why he won't talk to me. When I try and sit down and talk to him he makes an excuse like I'm tired. I don't know how to get him to just be open to me. I don't understand how if someone loved you how can they just one day say I don't love you anymore. I told him we can get a divorce. But he doesn't say anything.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Are you financially stable on your own and if not, then financial independence is important. If he left, can you handle things on your own? Are you codependent and does your life revolve around him? Do you both have issues left unresolved? Do you spend quality time with one another? Is he secretive? Do you expect an affair? Do either of you have some mental disorder? Can you communicate well with one another?

If you have caused a lot of wrong, then work on yourself for yourself and if he is the one with major issues, then detaching is your next step. If you both lack relationship skills, then learn about how to make a long term relationship last.

If he is cheating, then you need to find out.

But first, respect yourself and if you are still sexually active with him, then that should stop as it will only confuse you. If he is not in love with you, then is he just not using you for sex, a body, nothing more because you are available?

Right now, he is in and out as he pleases and you allow it. If you are not together any longer, then your obligation as his partner and his obligations to you are null.. Sounds like he gets benefits without any commitment.

Would he be okay if you dated someone else hypothetically and had a sexual relationship with another man? If he does, that means he is possessive and wants you to commit to him while he checks out his options, and if he finds something else, then you will be ditched.

The main thing is to protect yourself, because he will not have your best interest at heart.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

He sounds like he might be seriously depressed, or having an affair at work. Have you done any investigative work to find out if he is having an affair? Checked his phone, checked his email, checked his clothes for other signs. You are not crazy in thinking that there is seriously something going on on his side.


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## Motheroffive08 (Jan 9, 2016)

I have a little small business that I run from home. I make okay money. But he is the one that makes all the money. We are not sexual with one another. I stopped that the moment he told me he didn't love me. I just couldn't see him the same way anymore. No mental disorders on either part. No I don't believe there is an affair. I am just so confused by everything. To me I'm just trying to understand how it got to this point. He doesn't explain anything so that makes it hard. He told me I can keep the house but yet he is still here. I have told him before I don't want him for pity of me. When I ask questions again trying to figure out why he is still here all he tells me is I don't love you anymore. Well if he doesn't I just want him out. I don't want mix signals. Because at points I'm thinking does he really feel this way. He really doesn't talk to me. So it makes it so hard. I don't know how to get him to just communicate with me. I hate how if I tell him if he doesn't want to leave i will leave. He responds with you won't go anywhere. Or when I told him if he really doesn't love me i need you out of here so I can have my time to get over him. He responds with I won't ever stop loving him. Like things like that make me angry. I honestly just feel lost. I feel like I have no one to talk to. No one knows what I am even going through.


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## Motheroffive08 (Jan 9, 2016)

The last time we had a date was before our November 2014 baby was born. Now with 5 kids it's is hard to do anything anymore.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Mother, I'm sorry your husband has changed. How old are your children? Just staying and doing nothing isn't helping you discover anything or change anything. He is not initiating divorce, yet he is miserable, and so are you. He has no respect for you, and believes you will do nothing as per his statements that you "won't go anywhere" and that you "won't ever stop loving him."

It seems to me that the ball is in your court. You need to really think about your future. How will you feel living for many more years with a man who not only doesn't love you, but who is constantly telling you that he doesn't love you, eroding your self esteem. Your children are definitely noticing that things aren't right between mom and dad. What kind of example do you want to set for them? Do you want your daughters growing up to think that they have to suffer not being loved? Do you want your sons to grow up thinking that a man can treat the mother of their children the way your husband is treating you?

You are going to have to find your courage and file for divorce, to let him and yourself go free. I know that this is not what you want to do, but nothing will change until you upset the cart, and filing for divorce will do that. Either he will just go along with it, and then at least you will find a new normal, without the constant reminder that he doesn't love you, or realizing that you WILL leave him might bring him back to his senses.

You can't file for D as a game, you have to be serious about doing whatever it takes to get some sanity and emotional stability back.


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## Motheroffive08 (Jan 9, 2016)

They are 12, 11, 3, 2 and 1. He honestly doesn't see anything he does is wrong. When you file for divorce do you even have to pay anything? I have never done this. Of course I never thought that it would have ever come to this. Well the kids don't see anything. By the time he comes home from work the kids are asleep. They only see him before school. The weekends they seem him at night but I have made it a point to not let my kids see anything negative.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Motheroffive08 said:


> When you file for divorce do you even have to pay anything? I have never done this. Of course I never thought that it would have ever come to this. Well the kids don't see anything. By the time he comes home from work the kids are asleep. They only see him before school. The weekends they seem him at night but I have made it a point to not let my kids see anything negative.


The court and lawyers take their "fair" share. 

Relationship Teacher


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Motheroffive08 said:


> I have a little small business that I run from home. I make okay money. But he is the one that makes all the money. We are not sexual with one another. I stopped that the moment he told me he didn't love me. I just couldn't see him the same way anymore. No mental disorders on either part. No I don't believe there is an affair. I am just so confused by everything. To me I'm just trying to understand how it got to this point. He doesn't explain anything so that makes it hard. He told me I can keep the house but yet he is still here. I have told him before I don't want him for pity of me. When I ask questions again trying to figure out why he is still here all he tells me is I don't love you anymore. Well if he doesn't I just want him out. I don't want mix signals. Because at points I'm thinking does he really feel this way. He really doesn't talk to me. So it makes it so hard. I don't know how to get him to just communicate with me. I hate how if I tell him if he doesn't want to leave i will leave. He responds with you won't go anywhere. Or when I told him if he really doesn't love me i need you out of here so I can have my time to get over him. He responds with I won't ever stop loving him. Like things like that make me angry. I honestly just feel lost. I feel like I have no one to talk to. No one knows what I am even going through.


It is obvious from your posts that he is using communication for the purposes of manipulation. In a time of great unrest, you need to cut through all of the nonsense that is coming your way. To do so, focus entirely on the facts. Ask a LOT of questions with genuine interest. When you respond to him, keep your answers short and to the point, with zero emotion. If he fails to correctly indicate the truth, from your perspective, then correct him. Keep a stone face. He feeds off of the emotional reaction that he elicits from you. Don't give it to him. Do this flawlessly and he will look like a fool and change his approach. If he doesn't want to talk, then let it be. He will approach you in time or you can prompt him to see if he is willing to.

Relationship Teacher


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I know you say no mental disorders, but it does sound like he could be depressed, could be work or mid life crisis. Have you suggested MC to him? or IC counseling? 

Have you asked him why he does not love you anymore?


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## Motheroffive08 (Jan 9, 2016)

He just won't talk. Like I will ask him can we talk today? I get no response. So I let a couple days pass and ask again. Still no response. So I start talking and I always ask him point blank. What happened to make you fall out of love with me? He won't answer. I honestly feel like I am bugging him. To me i would just be happy if he left. I feel him staying here is just making it worse. If he wants nothing to do with me I feel he needs to leave. If he is unhappy why stay where you don't want to be? He also takes advantage of the fact I will not argue in front of our kids. Like if I start talking to him in our room he will walk downstairs where the kids are and sit on the couch. Just so he won't have to talk to me. I don't get what is so hard about talking?


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## Motheroffive08 (Jan 9, 2016)

I have told him about mc. He doesn't think that is necessary. I felt that would be good since he won't even talk to me.


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## RideofmyLife (Dec 18, 2015)

Mother, how are things today? His refusing to talk is preventing you from moving on, in one way or another. If it's possible, you may want to consider telling him that you two need to sit down and talk and he's unwilling then you'll take the kids and leave for awhile. Do you have someone you can stay with? It might show him how serious you are.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

I got to the stage in my marriage where I eventually gave up communicating. It was because what I said was not really listened to, whenever I drew a line she ignored it and took what followed as a random spiteful punishment (things like me not being prepared to spend my holiday with her after not contributing to the marriage). 
I do not think it likely that is the case here, but with five children I it is a possibility. Though I often argue with what she says @jld might be able to assist you.


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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

He does not want to be the bad guy so he is deliberately frustrating you so you will be the one who initates divorce.

Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Motheroffive08 said:


> They are 12, 11, 3, 2 and 1. He honestly doesn't see anything he does is wrong. When you file for divorce do you even have to pay anything? I have never done this. Of course I never thought that it would have ever come to this. Well the kids don't see anything. By the time he comes home from work the kids are asleep. They only see him before school. The weekends they seem him at night but I have made it a point to not let my kids see anything negative.


you want a divorce, and admit he's mostly carrying you and the kids (did he also provide the seed funding for your business and it's premises?)
By the sounds of it, you don't spend much time being fun to be around.

just having problems seeing what's in this relationship for him, apart from someone who will use him, and isn't willing to even pay her own way (eg wanting a "freebie" divorce!)

What did you think was going to happen with 5 kids? Sound-of-music and 8-is-enough are _fictional_, y'know.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Motheroffive08 said:


> They are 12, 11, 3, 2 and 1. He honestly doesn't see anything he does is wrong. When you file for divorce do you even have to pay anything? I have never done this. Of course I never thought that it would have ever come to this. Well the kids don't see anything. By the time he comes home from work the kids are asleep. They only see him before school. The weekends they seem him at night but I have made it a point to not let my kids see anything negative.


You can go to your local courthouse and purchase a divorce packet for around $20. In it is everything you will need for a do-it-yourself divorce.

Also get out the yellow pages and find a lawyer who will give you a free consultation. If you can't find one who will give you a free consultation, you will have to pay an hourly fee for his initial consultation. 

I spoke to two lawyers when I was learning my rights and responsibilities if I got a divorce. One lawyer charged me $100 for one hour. He even said he might be willing to take a couple of ounces of gold instead of cash as a retainer, if I used him. The other lawyer charged me nothing. He too would have accepted gold instead of cash. (I had no cash, but had some gold from my father's inheritance.) The retainer fee is between $2,000 and $5,000 depending on where you live. 

Those two appointments were invaluable to me. I learned a lot of good stuff and lost a lot of my fear of having a divorce. 

After you talk with the lawyers, start filling out the divorce form. Ask your husband if he wants to participate, because it will be alot cheaper for both of you if you can agree. Tell him that he can either pay himself and you by working with you, or he can pay the lawyer.

If he refuses to work with you, then use your joint credit card to pay a lawyer the retainer fee to start the process.

Your husband might wake up when he sees the papers, and realizes you are serious, and he might start working with you on the marriage. If he doesn't wake up, then you have your answer, and you will be better off without him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Motheroffive08,

Search for your state's court divorce self help website. They should have all the forms and instructions there for free.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How many hours a week does your husband work? It sounds like he is almost never home.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Motheroffive08 said:


> I hate how if I tell him if he doesn't want to leave i will leave. He responds with you won't go anywhere. Or when I told him if he really doesn't love me i need you out of here so I can have my time to get over him. He responds with I won't ever stop loving him.


That is your key. He thinks he is in the drivers seat. 

Pack up the 5 kids, go to Mom's and leave a note on the door saying "You got what you want. You're alone". Divorce papers will be a nice touch. An exclamation point of sorts.

Then watch the fun start. "You won't go anywhere?" Show him how wrong he can be.

That is your only option. Talking hasn't helped. Time to do. And "Doing" is hard. A LOT harder than venting on a relationship forum.

And you freakin' people with "IT'S AN AFFAIR!" This site is no good to anyone if it's always "an affair".


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