# Help with wife



## Kyle Clayton (May 25, 2017)

Let me know what you all think of the situation and circumstances I find myself in right now in my marriage and possibly give some advice.

A brief background. I've been married for 4 years and have children. I have a career in which I travel frequently M-f and my wife is a stay at home mom. Through my eyes are marriage is pretty good with your typical peaks and valleys in the relationship.

This is the situation. About 4 weeks ago I was looking for my cell phone before going to the store so I grabbed my wife's so I could call mine to assist me locate it. I have never really snooped or spied on my wife as I have always fully trusted her but this text message was up and it caught my curiosity. She was texting her friend about some guy at the gym and they were talking about next time they were there they would approach and talk to him. The string of These texts made it very obvious my wife has the hots for this guy. Additionally, I than checked her face book app and it turns out she private messaged him at some point between the gym and home the flirty eyes ?,although he did not respond as of the time I found this out. I confronted her the next morning and we talked and she told me how she felt and I told her what I felt. Things were ok but recently it started bothering me again for these reasons:

1- come to find out my wife has been reading a lot of the romance type novels

2- she has her phone on her all the time and is constantly texting friend, and replies immediately, but I will call or text and get a very delayed response even though I'm certain her phone is by her side

3- we have had sex but only 2-3 x since I initially confronted her. The last few days we have been quite distant, partly due to this weighting in me

Help! This has been eating me inside the last few days. I am going to bring up my concerns today. I feel like I may be overreacting but this has also been killing me inside. Advice welcome


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

Kyle Clayton said:


> Let me know what you all think of the situation and circumstances I find myself in right now in my marriage and possibly give some advice.
> 
> A brief background. I've been married for 4 years and have children. I have a career in which I travel frequently M-f and my wife is a stay at home mom. Through my eyes are marriage is pretty good with your typical peaks and valleys in the relationship.
> 
> ...


Stop confronting and bringing it up but keep your eyes open. My wife was the same, suddenly the amount of texting increased, she never left the phone unattended and her behavior changed. I logged onto our cell account and checked her text log from there to see who she was always texting, turns out it was another guy. My mistake was I confronted right away without getting more proof of anything. That only pissed her off and caused her to withdraw more.

If you can, log onto your cell account and check her text log. If there are numbers you don't know and don't come up on google, you can download an app that masks your cellphone number so you can call it. Most people don't answer calls from strange numbers so you'll probably get voicemail, which is good. If they have a personal message you'll hear the name and know who it is. The other thing is to try and get the passcode to your wifes phone without her knowing, while she's sleeping you can go threw it. If the phone has a fingerprint scanner to unlock it, have a few drinks with her one night and when she passes out press her finger against it, open the phone, register one of your fingerprints in the phone and then you have your way in. Keep your eyes open to everything but don't let her think you're watching her, and do not confront her on anything until you have rock solid proof of an affair.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You confronted too early....

You confronted too early?..
............................................................
Same sentence and response. Different takes.
............................................................
By immediately confronting her, you have put her on notice. She has time to back off any shenanigans. She knows she is in the wrong. She will now behave responsibly.

By immediately confronting her, you have put her on notice. She now will take this behavior underground. She knows she is being watched.
...........................................................

The all seeing Tom Cat is out of the bag. That is you. You now have your eyes opened. You need to keep a tight watch on her. Put a VAR [voice activated recorder] in the house were she sits and talks on the phone.
And put one in her car, under the seat to record any conversations she may have. Buy them at Best Buy. The Sony brand is good. Cost about ~ $62 each.

SECRETLY and calmly monitor all her communications. Watch for new apps, such as Snap Chat, that can be quickly erased. She may lay low for a while, then start up the shenanigans again.

Sorry you are here. You are not alone.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

YOU MUST TAKE A HARD STANCE HERE.

Let her know that this sort of behavior is Divorce worthy. Say it once with force of meaning...no shouting.

Let it go after that. The words about this...

Do not badger her, as much as you desire to do so.

Did she show any guilt or remorse? What did she say about your discovery? Did she try to downplay it, minimize it? Say it was her GF who was interested in the guy?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Kyle Clayton said:


> Let me know what you all think of the situation and circumstances I find myself in right now in my marriage and possibly give some advice.
> 
> A brief background. I've been married for 4 years and have children. I have a career in which I travel frequently M-f and my wife is a stay at home mom. Through my eyes are marriage is pretty good with your typical peaks and valleys in the relationship.
> 
> ...


What do you mean she told you what she felt.She was planning on hitting on a guy in the gym.If what she felt wasn't extremely apologetic with a promise to change gyms and have no more contact with her crush then you should be talking to a lawyer.
Also,if her friend is married you should let her husband in on the great seduction being planned.
I own a gym and I see this happening all the time.Next thing they will be training partners and it goes on from there.When I was younger I traveled a lot for work but tried to word out every day.I picked up as many girls in hotel gyms as I did at the bar.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

If your goal is to have the most leverage for a potential divorce, then I would follow the advice already given, and lay low. If your goal if to prevent an affair and save your marriage, then I would act now. I would pick a time when you are alone with each other, and have an hour or two of free time. Tell your wife that you are uncomfortable with what's going on with the man at the gym. I would ask her courteously to level with you, and that you'd like to heal any rough spots in your relationship.

If she doesn't shut you down, then ask her about how she feels about your relationship, and listen. Ask about the things she says, and how you can do better. Ask about any needs she has that you're not fulfilling, and how you can start doing so. Make her feel loved, like you want to help her and help your marriage. Don't condemn her or make her feel bad. You need her to open up.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

basically you have caught your wife in the process of cheating....let's be honest here.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Kyle Clayton said:


> ....1- come to find out my wife has been reading a lot of the romance type novels
> 
> 2- she has her phone on her all the time and is constantly texting friend, and replies immediately, but I will call or text and get a very delayed response even though I'm certain her phone is by her side
> 
> ...


I think that you have gotten lots of good advice. 

My perspective is that romance novels should be considered the female equivalent of R-rated soft porn. In other words, no big deal.

Based on what you found out, her phone habits would be of some concern, but she feels her phone privacy has been violated, so she is keeping it close. She is using her phone as a way of battling you on an emotional level. You have every right to ask for greater transparency based on what she did, but she probably won't want to (which is not a good sign).

Finally spouses know what each other is thinking often from body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, etc. She knows you are unhappy with her. Hopefully, she is horrified at her own behavior and embarrassed over what she was flirting with. So yes, I would expect her not to be jumping your bones until you either sit her down and give her an ultimatum or until you forgive her. 

The way you put your discussion of what I felt and what she felt, didn't sound like what I would think was appropriate. If you don't want her to do that kind of thing, you should think it through and tell her that such behavior if it ever happens again, will probably end your marriage. But only say that if you mean it, as it is an ultimatum. You need to set some boundaries and have some serious discussions with her.

Ask her if you traveling is a problem and if you found another job at less pay that required less travel, would she find a job or change jobs so that the two of you earned as much as before when you traveled. Make her part of the solution to see if she wants a solution or not.

Good luck.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Kyle Clayton!

This is the thought police. Report back to TAM immediately.

We need an update.

We hate it when a poster becomes a beckoning finger stuck in the past.


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