# Reliving this nightmare again..



## TexasFlyer (Apr 30, 2012)

This is my first post here - So I will try to give some background detail on us and the affair..

7 years ago my wife had an affair with a coworker. She felt consumed by guilt and told me about it. However, she never told me the whole truth and I rec'vd trickle bits for years.. However we now are going to sex therapy and I am finding out so much more that our new therapist wants us to go through a disclosure process and to start the 'R' over. This is killing me all over again, I am back on anti-anxiety meds, and triggered all to hell.. 

Through therapy we have discovered that my wife is Co-dependent hard core, was emotionally abused by her parents, is a Love Addict/Love Avoidant and severely conflict avoidant. The short of the story is that she felt at the time that 'sex' was something she had to do in order to be friends with the coworker. 

I've read many places, and read some really crap filled online advice, that wives cheat for emotional purposes and sometimes sex. My wife did not cheat because her emotional cup was not being filled, or her physical needs were not being met. Our therapist, and my wife, have assured me that there was nothing that I could've done to prevent it. It was a perfect storm brought on and perpetuated by my wife. You'd think this would add some relief or solace because most of you know that you destroy yourselves trying to fix 'it', evaluate and improve yourself, and accept what was wrong in the marriage before. My had wife laid out a bunch of items she was upset about at the onset of the affair that she felt, initially, that her needs were not being met because I was not doing these things. However, these were just walls the Codependent Love Avoidant puts into place to restrict intimacy. That way, I am surmising here, she could convince herself that I was not doing what she needed me to do, which led to resentment, and seeking love elsewhere. Another common thread to my marriage is that my wife cannot see any contributions but her own.. e.g. My wife works a good commute from our house, so I provide all the kid logistics - to school, to dance, to sports, etc.. But my wife complains that I don't give them baths, but won't say thank you for getting the family from a to b. She doesn't do the yard work, I do it all, but she's mad when I don't vaccuum. I do all the cooking and grocery shopping, but she complains about not doing the dishes. Then, she'll tie this key phrase in.. "I might feel like having sex tonight if you did..." So, because I wasn't doing [insert activity here], or didn't finish before she was too tired, there was no sex.. So, rejection, belittling never good enough behavior, she now results to conditional love and sex as a treat to try to control me..

Mind you these behaviors were not part of our original relationship, or the start of our marriage.. These were brought out by a trigger.. And that was moving away from mommy and daddy. 

The co-addict mentality set in pretty fast for me after the affair as I was desperate to 'fix' what was wrong. The trickle truth was painful, and in the end I made the effort to rebuild based on lies. I tried to be the person I thought she 'needed' me to be based on the information given. But that didn't work. Things would rapid cycle between good/bad, but were never on an even keel. 

So finally, through our new therapist, we have discovered that -my wife CANNOT give a compliment, she literally tries and tries but simply cannot bring herself to say it. She cannot allow herself to be happy, and constantly feels unworthy. Literally, her being happy led to feeling like she was doing something wrong, which led to her feeling guilty, and went and had the affair.. 

Here's what I have learned - 

Wife is a codependent who was emotionally abused by her parents.

Wife's affair started and went on longer that initially shared.

She, after swearing for years, finally admitted to not using protection. He would orgasm inside of her, on her..

She got preggo, but always told me the child was mine.. It wasn't. She miscarried.. My wife would not allow me to comfort her but let her AP do it instead.. Wife came home and yelled at me for getting her flowers.. Oh, and let's not forget they were having sex while she was pregnant on biz trips.. 

When they went on trips, she slept in his bed and had calls from her room forwarded to her cell phone.

They did all the normal couple things like cuddle time, showers, and dates.. 

The super kick in the f_cking nuts.. IS that she had me do things for him. She invited him over to our house so we could all 'hang out' together and have me cook for us.. TWICE.. She asked me to redo his resume, and fix his computer.. 

There was NOTHING I could do that would have prevented the affair. I am tired of the debate being perpetuated that women cheat because their needs are not being met.. This might be a reason that a lot do, but not all cheat for this reason. 


Why am I still married.. I don't know. I want all the answers now and am not willing to sweep it under the rug again. Once I have those, I will re-evaluate staying or going. I want to see what happens following the outcome of her therapy sessions with our new therapist as well. I know she's hurting, she's disgusted in herself over how she's been treating me, she's tired of living everyday not feeling good enough. I will say that my entire marriage hasn't been bad - but all things involving intimacy following our moving away from her parents and her affair have been terrible. I have hit the end of my rope, I have consulted a lawyer. The outcome of not following our boundaries, staying with therapy, is her moving out and getting a divorce. She knows that her travel job and emotional trauma's are not good for child custody and understands that she's not going to be the primary parent. 

If I can give one piece of advice.. FIND A *SEX THERAPIST *who deals with couples and individuals when you find out. Regular couples therapists just aren't cut out for it. There is too much generality, too much bias.. It's been a real eye opener with what's been uncovered by asking the right questions at the right time. This is our third one, she is fantastic and we've had the most progress under her, and my wife has been the most open and reflective with her as well.


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## ArabianKnight (Jul 24, 2011)

So what are you look for ?

What if that man carried disease she gave it to you and your kids?

what if she still hiding some more info, such as, your childrent might not be yours ( believe me that happened before)?

what If she does again in future? since she knows you will get over it with some meds and time. 

what if what if.....

well, If I was in your shoes, I would take the kids and go for divorce, my kids, life, health, and future worth better than this person.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You don't need a sex therapist, you need a wife who actually loves and respects you. She doesnt feel either of those things. The therapist mumbojumbo is full of justification of why she could humiliate and use you. I notice none of it actually has her taking any responsibility.

Use these new revelations to see how awfully you have been used, humiliated and abused by her and divorce her. You can do so much much better.

Btw, I also noticed that nowhere was there any mention of the person she is changing, so whe will likely do this all again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Wait She is in a travel long job, are you sure she isn't still hooking up?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

This isn't marriage, it's misery. I don't think people like your wife can handle monogamy. I personally could never handle the mind movies of the new sexual revelations and the fact he got her pregnant too. The humiliation she inflicted by basically making you cook for the man that's screwing her is just cold, co dependency or not.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Complexity said:


> This isn't marriage, it's misery. I don't think people like your wife can handle monogamy. *I personally could never handle the mind movies of the new sexual revelations or the humiliation she inflicted by basically making you cook for the man that's screwing her. That's just cold, co dependency or not*.


:iagree:

That's just cold. *She and OM probably got a good laugh out of that*. I'm surprised she didn't have him fix OMs car or something like that.


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## Done_Trying_ 4_Ingrates (Apr 29, 2012)

Cheating is a cop out for insecure people! I am unsure of the reason why people like us are attracted and stick with people like that but it happens! Truth is this person takes you for granted
because if it were the case that she could not express emotion nor compliment and all of the above mentioned... she couldn't have kept a lover. What she did was took every bit of the love, appreciation and thanks you earned and deserved and gave it to a piece of $#!T that was a home wrecking worm with absolutely no dignity nor respect to be able to look you in the eyes and take what was possibly your last ounce of self respect! No human being should ever have to go through the different emotions that controls you completely. 
I never had any closure after my husbands affair that he will
go to his grave lying about, but I know I gave up asking the question why and totally chalked it down to sheer selfishness. Respect is earned and deserved... It was a noticeable difference in his life when he lost mine.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

You don't need a sex therapist but an attorney instead. She has humiliated and disrespected you in every possible way even having you cook for the OM and help him in other ways in your own home. This is so damn sick. You know the OM and her were getting off on how they were humiliating you behind your back and in front of you.

I think you are extremely co-dependent. Your wife knows she has a husband that will accept every form of humiliation from her and still be with her. She has shown she has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Do you feel proud and special that she is your wife? You deserve so much better than being a doormat to her allowing her to put you at great risk for STD's. You sound like a good guy but you really are a fool but then it is your life. What a waste.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

TexasFlyer said:


> we have discovered that -my wife CANNOT give a compliment, she literally tries and tries but simply cannot bring herself to say it.


I'm not sure I understand, she has never given you a compliment? and why is this? what is the underlying psychology to not being capable of complimenting someone?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

From what I've read so far, TexasFlyer appears to be a Stay At Home Dad (SAHD). And we've all seen from the threads here how their WW have little respect for them. Why compliment someone you don't respect? She thought so little of him that she had him make dinner for her and OM. And they probably laughed about it afterwards.


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## Done_Trying_ 4_Ingrates (Apr 29, 2012)

You really should stop referring to her as your wife... way to respectful and she doesn't deserve the title! I have a few choice names that best suits the person you have described-
To cheat is a huge thing... but to basically destroy you further with 
ultimate humiliation was pretty much the same as plunging you in the heart and dancing in the mess! I wish that dinner you served those fools that night would have consisted of dog $#!T


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Dude, why on earth would you stay married to this person? If you do, I'm sorry, but you deserve what happens going foward. She committed several unfathomable acts of cruelty toward you. You are not her doctor. You are her husband. Leave, and let her find her way.


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## TexasFlyer (Apr 30, 2012)

bryanp said:


> You don't need a sex therapist but an attorney instead. She has humiliated and disrespected you in every possible way even having you cook for the OM and help him in other ways in your own home. This is so damn sick. You know the OM and her were getting off on how they were humiliating you behind your back and in front of you.
> 
> *I think you are extremely co-dependent*. Your wife knows she has a husband that will accept every form of humiliation from her and still be with her. She has shown she has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Do you feel proud and special that she is your wife? You deserve so much better than being a doormat to her allowing her to put you at great risk for STD's. You sound like a good guy but you really are a fool but then it is your life. What a waste.


Codependent.. No. I was a kept man at the time and that definitely played a role. I was a pilot and was out of work after 9/11.. So I went back to school. Although I was working she felt that I didn't contribute enough. Right after it happened, I couldn't handle it, wasn't thinking clearly, and had nowhere or no money to go. THIS laid the foundation for me being a coaddict to her behavior. Since I was isolated, I felt it better to keep the peace than to fix. R was forced, and shaky, but I wasn't out of a place to live. 

No STD's.. Kids are mine. 

She is remorseful. She is disgusted at herself. She is working on doing better. But it wasn't until we got with this new therapist that we started doing better. I am also not 'kept' anymore. I have my own means, a good job, and am free to leave. I am also not sitting at the bottom of sh_tty shame spiral anymore. When I came out of the depression two years later post d-day, I wasn't lost, but stuck in a routine. That routine provided safety. THIS was also my problem. It was easier to live with the status quo and build myself back up, than it was to address the issues. Now that I am stronger all around, secure, and in a better place.. Issues are being addressed. Getting the truth helps, solidify's her guilt, and forces all those skeletons out into the open. She can chose honesty or she can chose to move out. I can chose to accept those answers and work on us or she can move out.


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## TexasFlyer (Apr 30, 2012)

I am not a stay at home dad. I do have a job, but work out of my home office. At the time, I was in culinary school. My original career path did not work out and was back in school during the affair.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Does your wife place you in front of the front door, or the back one?
Being a doormat, should leave you with the privilege of making a choice.
Myself,I would find a door away from her.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Ok she feels guilty conceptually but the fact that all these years later you are still in therapy show that this never really got resolved properly. I suspect she has never really understood the humiliation and pain you've suffered. Seriously, making you help him and feed him. I bet they both had a lot of good laughs at your expense.

And yet she was able to be very sexual with him, yet you are still trying to work on your sex life with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

This is another example of spouse who either keeps an affair to themselves or lies about the extent and still seeing the marriage impacted.

What people do not know ... will hurt them. They just do not know why. Often they blame themselves which is even more hurtful.


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## TexasFlyer (Apr 30, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Ok she feels guilty conceptually but the fact that all these years later *you are still in therapy show that this never really got resolved properly*. I suspect she has never really understood the humiliation and pain you've suffered. Seriously, making you help him and feed him. I bet they both had a lot of good laughs at your expense.
> 
> And yet she was able to be very sexual with him, yet you are still trying to work on your sex life with her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Correct - We bounced in and out of therapy. Our marriage was doing pretty good until about 3 mos ago and a big piece of trickle truth rolled out.. That was the straw that broke the back. It was get into therapy, give me the truth, and then we'll see how much longer we're together. So I am giving her that. But nothing more. We are on cordial speaking terms, she answers my questions, she goes and works at her therapy. Most nights she is on the couch. 

I do hear all of you.. Why stay, why be the doormat?? Because I believe in her. She is a good mom. This is her last chance, she knows this. And following our disclosure with the therapists she'll rec'v the d-papers or get to come home.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Divorce her.

Don't put yourself through any more misery. You seem to be a decent guy who deserves a normal wife who can love and honor you.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

She regularly screws other men, brings one of them into your house, you help him, after all of this you beg her to stay in the marriage? Do you not understand how humilating and disrespectful this is? Grow a pair and man up.

She is using you only as a daycare and keep the house in check. Explain to me how a cheater can be a good mom? What moral values can she actually teach?


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

And you're staying with her because....?


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

I'm rather pro R overall, but if that was done to me, there'd possibly be a murder.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

What I don't understand about people with "disorders" like your wife is that, why are they able to fulfill all their other social duties competently except their role as a spouse? 

I say this because you mentioned that she's a good mother, if she's a good mother why can't she be a good wife? or are the traits of co dependency blind to people other than you?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

I'm richly in agreement with the vast majority of my TAM cohorts:
there's more than enough evidence that has justly been ferreted out of these counseling sessions for the jury to come back in with a verdict. And that verdict is~ guilty as charged!

Knowingly or unknowingly, she perpetrated the most heinous of acts against you and both mentally and physically abused you all
through the process of the long-term affair.

It is now time to turn the 180 on her, seek legal counsel, and either get her out of the house, or extract yourself and the kids from that hellhole that you're residing in. I don't really care what form of mental malady that she claims to have. Just get out and give yourself and your kids the peace of mind and civility that you all so richly deserve!


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

TexasFlyer said:


> I do hear all of you.. Why stay, why be the doormat?? Because I believe in her. She is a good mom. This is her last chance, she knows this. And following our disclosure with the therapists she'll rec'v the d-papers or get to come home.


You need some time to process all this new information. It is easy to say to someone to bail out, but when you're the guy in the hot seat it is different. Of course you feel some sympathy for her because of her abusive history, and you have a lot invested into this relationship in terms of years and children.

I don't think any of that is a good reason to remain a doormat, but it sounds like you aren't being the doormat any longer.

Just don't take it upon yourself to fix her or her problems. Give her a fair but limited time to get her act together.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

In concept what your doing is very heroic and selfless... In practice, that's setting yourself up to fail. Bigtime. Her transgressions cut far too deep, these scars will be brutal. She's not a person of character and strength to begin with and now she has the built-in scapegoat of her 'sickness', and her parents abuse.... Your psyche will not tolerate vulnerabilty to her. Your only human.

JMHO.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Let's say you want to stay with her.

1. What is she offering to do to make up for the seriously sick humiliation she caused you? Saying oops my bad just doesn't see enough.

2. How do you know she isn't still up to it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I'm sorry what "good Mom" goes out and get pregnant by another man?

Being a "good Mom" does not depend only on how she interacts and takes care of the kids. It is also setting a good example as to truth, trust, and moral behavior.

Good Mom??? Not there yet.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

TexasFlyer said:


> She, after swearing for years, finally admitted to not using protection. He would orgasm inside of her, on her..
> 
> The super kick in the f_cking nuts.. IS that she had me do things for him..


I don't know, given those two scenarios above, if it was me the super kick in the nuts would have been her telling me her affair partner orgasmed in her and all over her and getting her pregnant would have been a very close second. Fixing his computer would come in at a distant third.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

TexasFlyer said:


> I do hear all of you.. Why stay, why be the doormat?? Because I believe in her. She is a good mom. This is her last chance, she knows this. And following our disclosure with the therapists she'll rec'v the d-papers or get to come home.


 First I would like to say that you should not let peeps on this board push you into doing something that you do not want to do. It is your life and happiness that matters.

Back when this all happened, your wife saw that you where down (no job) and basically kicked you while you were down and cheated on you. She knew that she had the upper hand as the sole bread winner and took advantage of the situation. She did it in a most humiliating way by having you cook for the other man and help him with his resume and computer; he was allowed to be her alpha male right in front of you in your own home. They were the couple and not you. The truth is you only stayed because your career was in the dumps, and you felt at the time that eating your pride and staying in the marraige (although not a good option) was your best option. 

Now that you are on your feet again, you are standing up and doing what you would like to have done in when this first happened. In deciding what you do going forward, you need to ask yourself this most important question. Is she the woman that you want next to you as your partner in life if things go bad for you? It does not matter how therapy goes if you cannot say a resounding yes to this question. You need to grow old with someone that you can trust to be there for you no matter what.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Tex, all I can say is, wow. You've been thru the wringer. You need to weigh the pros and cons of staying with this woman. Do you believe she can actually shed all that baggage? If so, hang in there and go for it. Just keep a low b*ll s**t threshold, and be prepared to move on to a better life. And be sure she knows it.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

TexasFlyer said:


> This is my first post here - So I will try to give some background detail on us and the affair..
> 
> 7 years ago my wife had an affair with a coworker. She felt consumed by guilt and told me about it. However, she never told me the whole truth and I rec'vd trickle bits for years.. However we now are going to sex therapy and I am finding out so much more that our new therapist wants us to go through a disclosure process and to start the 'R' over. This is killing me all over again, I am back on anti-anxiety meds, and triggered all to hell..
> 
> ...


My H had an A because his "needs were not being met" and I " did not love him". Some needs can not be met because the person is not capable of accepting what you are giving. Even though their perceptions of what they are lacking are skewed those are still the reasons they give themselves. My H came from an abusive background too, and no matter what I said to him he saw a double meaning that boiled down to a put down. I could not win with him. It's taken a very long time for him to begin to recognize that he heard me through the distortion of his own abusive childhood. It is very hard to give all you can to someone; to put them first and not have it recognized or appreciated, but it is generally the mind set of those with abusive backgrounds. It is nothing you did or did not do, the stage was set before you ever came along. HUGS.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

snap said:


> I'm rather pro R overall, but if that was done to me, there'd possibly be a murder.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have to agree with you snap. I'm probably the most pro R guy on TAM but I'm having a very hard time finding a good reason for Tex to stay with her. I don't see a behavioral problem. I see an entitled remorseless fitness testing wife who is offering excuses instead of atonement. Tex, I'm so sorry for all you've gone through and continue to go through. You must be an incredibly strong individual to still have your marbles after this.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

TexasFlyer said:


> Why am I still married.. I don't know. I want all the answers now and am not willing to sweep it under the rug again. Once I have those, I will re-evaluate staying or going. I want to see what happens following the outcome of her therapy sessions with our new therapist as well.


Not willing to sweep it under the rug again?

Using an assortment of psychological terms that lead up to her affair as being "a perfect storm", and inevitable, takes away from the fact that she is a fully functioning human being who betrayed you in many ways beyond just basic infidelity. There is quite a mouthful of complex psychological behaviors going on, but she is an adult, and could have easily chosen to draw the line on her own behaviors well before the cheating mark. Or even if these conditions led her into the perfect storm of cheating, genuine remorse probably would've stopped her short of asking you to cook meals for her lover. 

My wife struggles with bipolar depression. Its severe at times, and has led to periods of suicidal thoughts. Some of her problems also stem from sexual abuse. We've found that the best way to maintain our marriage is by never losing sight of the fact that she is an adult who is control of her own behaviors. Be careful that the psychological terminology doesn't become the broom that you use to sweep her actions as an adult under the rug.


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## Poppy (Mar 14, 2012)

Tex...I know what you are doing because I am doing the same thing. We went to a sex therapist because my H's IT was just not cutting it in terms of how he could deal oin the real world with his compulsions. Cold turkey is not sustainable. He is also someone who was not shown warmth or acceptance as a child and therefore became all the things you describe your wife to be. What I struggle with now is the fact that he is being the perfect husband and father..but where was he for the last 15 years? Our sex therapist told me the odds are against us..he requires huge amounts of ego stroking and attention to feel good about himself. He turned away from me instead of to me and he also never really got involved with the children. It is very hard to walk away from someone you love who is sorry and making changes, but where are your boundaries? I know I crossed mine over and over again. Our sex therapist says I need to draw a line in the sand and never cross it. She asked me to think about the kind of man I want to be married to. I am a codependant, so it is hard for me....accepted unacceptable behaviour from people I loved for all of my life. What I want for you is what I wish i had the strength to do....hold your head high, value yourself and know you can do better. You do not need to fix her or your marriage....you deserve to be loved and cherished and protected emotionally and physically. I am thinking of you.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Ironic but I have been reading several books and articles about codependency, codependent behaivors, etc., over the pass several days.

Codependents can change but it takes lots of work and they have to want to change if not your wife will always be at risk for A's.

Historically the concept of codependency comes from Alcoholics Anonomous. Will not go into all the details. Codependency normally starts in childhood. A lack of love, emotional needs not being met, etc. by the parents is usually the start of this.

I like the defintion that codependency is a dysfunctional relationship with the self. If you understand this you can start to understand the codependent person. 

Here are some websites to help folks understand this. It is not as clear as many folks would like but it has helped me understand why my wife did what she did. It is in no way an excuse for her and if she faces her issues and fixes it then our R will be successful, if not then there is really no hope because nothing I do will be enough for her.

Basics of Codependency

Codependency - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

When Our Emotional Issues Affect Our True Availability (one of my favorites)

There are many more but this should surfice.


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## Done_Trying_ 4_Ingrates (Apr 29, 2012)

TexasFlyer said:


> Codependent.. No. I was a kept man at the time and that definitely played a role. I was a pilot and was out of work after 9/11.. So I went back to school. Although I was working she felt that I didn't contribute enough. Right after it happened, I couldn't handle it, wasn't thinking clearly, and had nowhere or no money to go. THIS laid the foundation for me being a coaddict to her behavior. Since I was isolated, I felt it better to keep the peace than to fix. R was forced, and shaky, but I wasn't out of a place to live.
> 
> No STD's.. Kids are mine.
> 
> She is remorseful. She is disgusted at herself. She is working on doing better. But it wasn't until we got with this new therapist that we started doing better. I am also not 'kept' anymore. I have my own means, a good job, and am free to leave. I am also not sitting at the bottom of sh_tty shame spiral anymore. When I came out of the depression two years later post d-day, I wasn't lost, but stuck in a routine. That routine provided safety. THIS was also my problem. It was easier to live with the status quo and build myself back up, than it was to address the issues. Now that I am stronger all around, secure, and in a better place.. Issues are being addressed. Getting the truth helps, solidify's her guilt, and forces all those skeletons out into the open. She can chose honesty or she can chose to move out. I can chose to accept those answers and work on us or she can move out.


Codependent??? Panhandling would have been less demeaning than this... and you can stay drunk and still stay depressed! Bed bugs is far less dangerous than HIV


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## Poppy (Mar 14, 2012)

And my codependancy is a need to fix people and make everything OK over and above my own needs...so in my opinion not an excuse for your wife to have an affair and smash your self esteem to smithereens.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I had half a page typed here but deleted it.

All I will say is that an adult is responsible for their actions. No excuses.

A person of character will openly admit and take responsibility for their bad choices and mistakes. 

Some people simply cannot do this and will not change.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

We all could use incidents from our childhood to justify bad behavior. Your wife's might be more extreme than others but this should not excuse what she did to you. She emasculated you when she had you cook dinner for her lover. That's just plain evil.

Like your wife, my ex used sex as a 'weapon' in the relationship. We had sex when she felt like it and did it the way that she wanted to. Near the end of the marriage, I decided to take control of my sex life for the first time in twenty years and told her that I would just not have sex with her.

Of course, I didn't know that she was happily giving it to old boyfriends and who knows how many other men.

You need to do yourself a favor and leave this woman. You're not Captain Save a Ho'.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Are you sure that you have the full truth yet?

And people are using childhood issues all to frequently these days to excuse their sh!tty behavior.


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

What are the consequences, change in behavior for your wife during this R process you have chosen to accept?

Is her deeming attitude still present, are you still doing all the chores? Have you now stood up for yourself in that regard? 

Is she still the one who authorizes the sex? 

Is she still working with this man?


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## TexasFlyer (Apr 30, 2012)

Humble Pie said:


> What are the consequences, change in behavior for your wife during this R process you have chosen to accept?
> 
> Is her deeming attitude still present, are you still doing all the chores? Have you now stood up for yourself in that regard?
> 
> ...


No - Her attitude has improved greatly now that she's attending therapy with our new therapist. She is working on a lot of boundaries with her parents, the kids, me.

No - I do not do all the chores, and I don't want to mislead.. My wife couldn't understand, or didn't want too, that me providing kid logistics = her giving kids bath, or me cooking dinner = her doing dishes.. In her selfish pea brain, what she convinced herself was, "Why DO I ALWAYS give the kids their bath..? He NEVER does it.." She's working on normalling out her emotions and works on telling herself, outloud sometimes, "My husband did/does this for the family, and I do this for the family.."

No - She is not still working with her AP

No - She doesn't use sex as a 'treat' anymore.

No - I do not think that I have all the facts about the affair. That is what the disclosure will be for.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

TF,

Codependent or not you obviously love your wife or the women she was.

You deserve the entire truth and I do hope you get it.

You also deserve to make dinner for the posom one more time, lock all the doors and beat the living s__t out of him. It will work wonders for you!

But seriously, I hope the therapy helps keep your family together and if not, at least you can part ways knowing you tried everything you could do to save your marriage and get your wife back onto a healthy lifestyle.

HM64


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