# Its not my husband but I am MISERABLE!



## unsure09 (Jun 24, 2009)

Please forgive the lack of flow to this.
For the last 2 months I have been absolutely miserable with my life. My husband is a good guy, he's trying to be supportive, but I think its just getting to be a bit much.
I've recently went on anti-depressants and although they aren't making me less unhappy, I am able to control my emotions better and act as though things are semi-normal.
Ever since a friend of mine died last year at the age of 29 I have become more and more aware that I only have one shot at this whole life thing. I just keep thinking about all the things I really want to do. Some of it is really silly, get my motorcycle license, couple new tattoos, but it freaks my husband out. He seems to resent me for wanting any of it. I cant imagine whats going to happen when I bring up other things I want to do. White water rafting, bungee jumping somewhere crazy, travel somewhere alone. I just want to finally conquer my fears, not leave this world with tons of regrets.
I recently feel that I dont want my husband to touch me, I dont want to talk to him, I dont want to do things with my family. Its a really strange feeling and I am at a complete loss as to how to get a handle on it. I dont love anyone else so its not that, but I also dont think I love my husband as much as I should. We've been together for over 11 years, since I was 18, and I think I may be changing. I always thought having a family would be enough for me but Im not sure it is anymore. I dont know what to do anymore. I just want to be happy. Help me!!!


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

You're going through a mid-life crises albeit a little earlier than most. You've spent most of your adult life married and your friend passing away has made you realize there is a lot of life you want to live and you feel constricted in the bounds of your marriage.

That's not unusual...how you handle things is the difference. You can work with your husband to realize the things you feel like you have missed out on and pace yourself, do a little here and a little there and get him to do these things with you, even if in moderation.

Or...you can end things with your husband...if he is reluctant to go along with your "craziness" then you're going to grow more frustrated and resentful and that can and probably will lead to more pain and hurt than if you just go your separate ways now.

As for a tatoo...I got my first one just a year ago when I wa 39...I have two more now...my wife has four...pick something you like, have it done and then show your husband...he may like it...just don't get a tramp stamp, those are so passe...

Preacher


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

And said tramp stamp will most likey end up on your "asse" eventually pardon the pun...


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Sounds to me like your going through middle aged crazies.... and 
the action/ adventure lifestyle appeals to you. Maybe? it would not be as good as you imagine it would be.
Then what are you going to do?... as with everything there is a price.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

You are going through the "*life is finite*" because of the death of the other half of a meaningful relationship: your friend.

I am doing the same thing due to my daughter's brain cancer diagnosis, been doing this for two years now.....rearranging all my priorities and rethinking what is important and what is not. Kinda like cleaning out a closet . 

You think: "Hell, life is too short to mess with this sh*t, I gotta get a move on, or life might sneak up and bite me: I may be next so I better get organized"!

*Everything* takes on new focus. That is what you are doing, if you ask me: REFOCUSING.

It isn't a midlife crisis. It is having a new pair of glasses.

Tell your DH you'll be glad to take him with you, but he better hang on tight!:rofl:


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Go do those things, make sure you go to a quality tattoo parlor. I mean the real thing, clean, clean, clean, no smoking, accredited licensed. My wife wanted one so we researched the most established parlors in our town and found one. My sister went to some shop run by a dirt bag, now she has an infection in her leg.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

unsure09 said:


> He seems to resent me for wanting any of it....I recently feel that I dont want my husband to touch me, I dont want to talk to him, I dont want to do things with my family. Its a really strange feeling and I am at a complete loss as to how to get a handle on it. I dont love anyone else so its not that, but I also dont think I love my husband as much as I should. We've been together for over 11 years, since I was 18, and I think I may be changing.


It sounds like you are definitely changing. You are pulling away. He's scared. You want to be alone, do adventurous things without him. IMO, that's ok. you've been together for a long time. maybe you two can sit down and have an honest talk about how you are feeling. you need some independence, a chance to reclaim yourself. If you can talk to him, reassure him that you're not pulling away because you dont love him, then he might back off and be more excited with you. He's just scared. and you are scared, too. You can pull away and still have a love in the relationship. It just changes. but talk to him and tell him you want your independence. it doesnt have to be threatening to him if you approach it right.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

unsure09 said:


> Please forgive the lack of flow to this.
> For the last 2 months I have been absolutely miserable with my life. My husband is a good guy, he's trying to be supportive, but I think its just getting to be a bit much.
> I've recently went on anti-depressants and although they aren't making me less unhappy, I am able to control my emotions better and act as though things are semi-normal.
> Ever since a friend of mine died last year at the age of 29 I have become more and more aware that I only have one shot at this whole life thing. I just keep thinking about all the things I really want to do. Some of it is really silly, get my motorcycle license, couple new tattoos, but it freaks my husband out. He seems to resent me for wanting any of it. I cant imagine whats going to happen when I bring up other things I want to do. White water rafting, bungee jumping somewhere crazy, travel somewhere alone. I just want to finally conquer my fears, not leave this world with tons of regrets.
> I recently feel that I dont want my husband to touch me, I dont want to talk to him, I dont want to do things with my family. Its a really strange feeling and I am at a complete loss as to how to get a handle on it. I dont love anyone else so its not that, but I also dont think I love my husband as much as I should. We've been together for over 11 years, since I was 18, and I think I may be changing. I always thought having a family would be enough for me but Im not sure it is anymore. I dont know what to do anymore. I just want to be happy. Help me!!!





I'm glad I lived life on the edge, conquered my fears, did crazy things, got a tattoo, moved across the county, when young enough to recover as I have none of those desires to make a new life now ( content as things are).
Not sure if acting those things out now is the best idea.
ARE YOU REALLY SURE YOU WANT TO DO THOSE THINGS ?
BUNGEE JUMPING? 
I'd puke for sure !
From what you wrote, to me, sounds like you may be depressed.
Try to get out and take walks, be more active, that should help some, without jumping off the deep end. Sometimes small changes make all the difference.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

When I was 31, I decided I would rather die than live a life full of fears. I had been afraid to fly, and that fear disappeared. I discovered a zest for life in me that had never been allowed out before. It was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I was pregnant with my first child at the time, so I knew I had to balance "the new me" with my other responsibilities. 

In the past 19 years, I've done many of the things I had never had the courage to do before. Traveled alone to several places, took students to a foreign country, started riding roller coasters (which don't even scare me; I find them soothing!) I don't take any unnecessary risks b/c I'm a mom x3, but there is more risk in driving my car daily, as I am well aware. I don't swim in unknown waters, for example, but I'm no longer afraid to swim in the ocean or let my kids do it. I want to go wilderness camping by myself and am now looking forward to when I can do that. 

Take a deep breath and prioritize the things you want to do, then plan one at a time. Be sure to keep your husband in the loop--even if it something you want to do alone. If he continues to resist, ask him to get some counseling to help him figure out why he is having trouble letting you grow. Be responsible with your safety and finances so he knows you aren't just throwing yourself into dangerous situations as a way to deny death (that motivates a lot of thrill seekers). Be sure to savor each experience before, during, and after--use photos and/or journal entries to capture the experience so you can relive it later. Take your time, too, and don't try to do everything in one month or even one year. If you enjoy the planning and anticipation as much as the event, you will get the most out of each experience.

Also, take some of your newly-found spirit into the bedroom and try new things there, too. Your husband will be more understanding if he sees how this all benefits him, and you'll both enjoy the change from any routine you've fallen into. Dress up, role play, or a little light bondage may be good choices for early efforts in this direction. Be mature about your changes--don't act like a spoiled brat who simply should get her way just b/c she wants it. You will "get your way" if you handle it all tactfully, however.


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