# DDay 1 Anniversary Approaches



## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

I’ve been visiting this forum for about 6 weeks now, just lurking. I’ve been debating on whether or not I want to get more engaged…and I think I’ve decided to at least post my story. That’s what I have in mind at the moment…we shall see if this makes it onto the site ultimately or not. 

Background:

I have been married for 17 years, we are both 37, been with my husband 20 years (since senior year of high school). We have 3 children, aged from teen to elementary school age. Overall, we have had a pretty good marriage. We don’t argue a lot, we enjoy doing the same types of things, we spend a lot of time together, we don’t have money concerns, we don’t argue over the child rearing much, we are fairly respectful and supportive of each other, we do have some “in law” challenges but have always sided with each other over the in laws and not had much trouble dealing with that together, and our sex life has been mostly good with some dry patches – mostly during the first year of each of my children’s lives. My one year anniversary of DD1 is next week. I think I had 4 DDs depending on how you classify DDs.

He is self employed, IT field, works all over the city and sometimes travels further or overnight for work. I am corporate employed, rarely travel, and can always be found at or near my desk. In other words, he is very mobile and I am not. He is very technical, I’m more limited but not totally stupid about technology. He is also definitely the typical “alpha male” and I tend to defer to him but not always. Financially we are pretty equal and make a very nice income for our family together. Other than my career, we have what I would consider a traditional marriage.

H became heavily involved in a local non-profit organization in recent years. I’ll stay pretty vague on this. I was resistant to his increasing involvement because of how much time and effort it took with little to no gratitude…and actually quite a lot of stress. I told him how I felt, but supported the decision as his to make. We made a new circle of friends (all married couples) that also participated in these activities. They were not normally people I would select as friends. However, beggars cannot be choosers when it comes to volunteer work and after spending so much time together friendships developed. So much so that several of us couples went out frequently, had BBQs and get-togethers, even took some vacations together. One couple in particular became very close to us. I really didn’t care for the wife, but played nice for H’s sake. This wife and I were in contact pretty much every day, our kids became close, etc. Our friendship was superficial, but we were together a lot.

This brings us to about December 2010. During 2010, there was a slight uptick in the drinking instances where my H got out of control in public. There was to be a Christmas dinner with some of these same friends. It would be open bar, and I knew what kind of evening this would spell out for me. I decided not to go. I got several calls and texts from others asking me to go, I just turned off my phone and went to bed. The next day, I reviewed my phone messages to see that he’d gotten very drunk, made wild accusations against his good friend, had a fight, and was kicked out of the restaurant. I check his phone, and I see a text from the other aforementioned wife. I should back up to say that while my H and I didn’t do a real good job of setting boundaries, I’d always said “it’s not appropriate for a married woman to text or call another man and vice versa in most cases” – definitely not about chit chat, personal stuff, etc. The wives talk to the wives and the husbands talk to the husbands. I was told I was old fashioned, but for the most part, this request was honored. We also always shared passwords, left FB open, and cell phone lock codes were never allowed in our house and I regularly snooped just out of nosiness and .

Back to Dec 2010 – I see a text from the wife of the couple we were closest to and spent the most time with. So text from other wife to my husband says “We should leave the party poopers at home and go to the Christmas party together.” (Come to find out that her H had not wanted to go just as I did not.) I went ballistic. How inappropriate! I showed my H, he downplayed it, asked me not to make a big deal, didn’t want to disturb the group friendship or the volunteer organization situation. I discussed it with 2 other friends who both thought I should confront the girl…but stupid me, I listened to my H’s advice.


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

Next we have Jan, Feb, and March of 2011. We plan a big group vacation with several couples. We all kick off a diet and exercise program and it works. We all get skinnier and hotter looking. My husband starts taking some kind of supplement and his libido increases. Instead of sex 2 or 3 times a week, we get up to 4-5 times. I’m cool with it – I enjoy sex, and being that I’m toning and slimming, I’m feeling hot and sexy too. We have a lot of fun over these months, going to a couple of concerts, planning the vacation, shopping for clothes, etc. H tries out some new body hair grooming. H gets new undies (he’s never ever bought his own undies!) He’s taking pictures of his new muscles and slim body and posting them on FB. He’s wearing younger styles of clothes. So in other words, in hindsight all of the infidelity signs were there disguised as “getting ready for vacation”.

I should mention in here that the OW (my “friend” who you’ve probably figured out by now is or becomes the OW) is a nurse in women’s care of all things. Around Feb or so, not sure exactly, I start having recurring female infections, quite severe. I self-treat over the counter, nothing works. I ask “friend” for help (oh, the irony), and she gives me several prescriptions over a few months. I’ve never in my life had these types of infections. It was very rough.

April arrives, we go on vacation. The first night of vacation, H gets super drunk. He decides to stay out with another gentleman (verified), comes in very drunk, and we have a physical altercation resulting in me hitting my head really hard. Way to kick off the family vacation.

Next morning, I feel terrible. H has no recollection of his actions, and is apologetic. Vacation must go on as planned. I apply motion sickness patches (prescribed again by my “friend”/OW) and embark on a dream vacation (gag). The first few days, I feel as if I’m floating on a cloud. I have little appetite, I’m dizzy, I’m thinking through a fog, I sleep more than I normally would.. I’m stuck with our youngest a big part of the time, and rather than have both of us stuck there with him in the pool or whatever, I encourage my H to go have fun (smack head). I’m not feeling like much fun anyway, however I’m fake smiling and trying to be part of everything though I don’t feel it inside. 

Halfway through the week, I’m sleeping in the evening, still feeling poorly. Somehow I dizzily fall in the night, really badly bruising myself all over and breaking a finger. I decided something is wrong with me! Maybe I have a concussion or I think maybe the motion patch is bothering me. YESS! I took that sucker off and felt less foggy and dizzy within an hour. Grrrr - in hindsight, did that b**** poison or overdose me?? Who knows. At this point, half of the vacation is over, but I’m feeling a little better. One night we have a bit of confusion at dinner resulting in my H and I at different tables. In later talks with OWH, he said my husband was gazing into OW eyes and fawning over her during dinner to where he and his wife argued about it later – but I had no idea about this until much later. Other weird things happened that I see in hindsight. The vacation winds down, we all go home. I did notice that throughout this entire week and probably a month before the vacation, my “friend” was more distant than usual. She comments at vacation’s end that her H was “up her butt” the whole week and that she got no free time or time to have fun with “her girls” (I’m sure really meaning my H). I said that was nice and didn’t she enjoy getting his extra attention. She looked at me like I was nuts.


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

Mothers Day comes. We spend the day with his mom at his request. She’s been out of the picture awhile, having her own personal and psychological issues, but that’s another story. I should note that H’s step father was found to have had a 10 year affair on his mom. She found out about 2 years ago and has never been the same. My H saw what agony his mom went through BEFORE deciding to do the same thing to me. Anyway, I don’t enjoy the day, but I smile through it and he’s none the wiser. The next weekend H and I alone attend an event. We have a ton of fun dancing, visiting with family, but as soon as we are in the car on the way home, he lays into me about how I’m keeping him from his mom and he’s sick of it and has been thinking of not being with me anymore. He doesn’t use the D word, as we always promised each other that word was not a word to use to threaten in a fight or to use lightly as we saw other couples do. I find out later that OW had repeated a slight vent on my part that my Mothers Day wasn’t perfect…she included enough truth with her lies and exaggerations about what I’d said for him to believe. So he’d been stewing on that all week, egged on by her, and was now furious with me while I’m clueless. Apparently she did this often with what little personal info I ever gave her. Just enough truth sprinkled in for him to believe the lies that I was unhappy with him, didn’t want him, mistreated him etc. I do not think the A would have ever happened with another woman had it not been my “friend” with this special insight and ability to manipulate both me and my H to suit her needs.

May comes, we spend Memorial Day weekend with this couple. I’m very sun sensitive and though I enjoy getting some rays, I always retreat to the shade at some point. I’m sitting alone in the shade of our canopy, my “friend” is 15 feet in front of me in a beach chair with my husband on one side and her husband on the other, talking animatedly. I feel a twinge of something. But I ignore it.

The next two weeks we are all busy with volunteer org activities. Then my youngest has a severe injury that lands him in the hospital for a few days. H is in and out, as he’s “working a lot” and has the other kids to watch. I stay at the hospital, never leaving even for a second. One day, my “friend” says she wants to stop by. It’s the day before we’ll be checking out and my H could use a ride back to our side of town so he doesn’t have to come back to pick us up the next day. I ask my “friend” to give him a ride back to our side of town (40 min drive). **I have to say that I am boiling with rage as I’m writing this!!** She comes, brings a bag of dollar store crap to my little injured guy. I thanked (!!!) her for giving my H a ride home and as I watched them smile and walk out of the hospital room together…I got that twinge again. It was much stronger, but I ignored.

I come home the next day with my little guy, and that evening we are out at one of the other kids’ events. After the event, H and I and the kids stop to eat. While the kids are away from our table, my H out of the blue says he wants a divorce. He says that since I had recently threatened D around his drinking, he thinks maybe we should just do it. He says we’re just not that close, and at this point I completely shut down. I ask him no questions. We go home, I go to bed, cry all night with him listening in the bed beside me but doing nothing, go to work the next morning like a numb icicle. 

That day I have an interview at work for a very big promotion, one I’ve been waiting 10 years for. I’m completely out of it. I’m sitting at my desk, just staring at my screen, before the interview and out of the blue I decide to look at my cell phone bill. I thought, I wonder who he talked to yesterday or maybe who he might have called after he dropped the D bomb on me. I see that as soon as we got home, he talked to my “friend” for an hour and that’s when I KNEW. I felt my body temperature plummet, I started shaking and sobbing right there at my desk. I don’t remember anything else about that work day, I don’t remember my interviews with 3 managers and the vice president. I don’t know how I got home. That night, everyone attended one of the kids’ events, but I stayed home. I still had not spoken to H really, I was a complete zombie. He told me that I couldn’t be like this, we had to act normal for the kids and I never missed their stuff. I said something along the lines of “the hell I don’t” and locked myself in my room. They came and went, I was still in zombie, numb mode. That night I sobbed, and my H spooned with me and held me tight. Neither of us said anything though, and I took the comforting as his way of saying goodbye to me and sobbed even harder.


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

Went to work the next day with the plan to scour the cell phone bill. Holy hell. Wow. Thousands of texts and hundreds of hours of calls starting guess when….yep with the Christmas party text I noticed in December. So from January through first few days of June, they were texting and/or calling nearly every day. Seeing the patterns of H talking to me, then her, or the intermixing of her texts with mine, and then also with OWH, was shocking. Being a person who analyzes, I dumped all 5 months worth of phone data in Excel and started analyzing. I saw that they talked for about an hour when she was on her way to work, her lunch break, and on her way home. They texted in between. Not much night or evening activity. I noticed that she almost always initiated contact, he would call back or text back, but even still the number of contacts were about 70% her. 

Anyway, I’m doing all this at work. I feel like my body is stiff as a board and dead, it’s like I have hypothermia I’m so cold and shaking. One of my employees IMs me and says “are you okay?” I say “yes why?” He says “because you are sobbing.” I didn’t even know I was, I had ear buds in, and our office is completely open with low cubicles. Apparently my employees discussed who should let me know I was sobbing. Not cool. I go to restroom, send text to H that I love him and I don’t want D and I want to talk that night. He says okay, He’s working across town, so I tell him I will meet him at the kids’ event that evening and then we will drop kids off after and go to dinner to talk. He agrees. I know that OW and OWH will also be at event. I pick up large bottle of wine and an XL styrofoam cup with lid that would hold soda and pour the whole bottle of wine in there. I add a straw. I pick up the kids, drive to the event. I set out my stupid little folding chair. Here comes OW and OWH. “Hey girl! Hug hug, how are you blah blah blah”. I start sipping on that straw hard. I purposely ensure that I sit next to OWH and OW is on the other side of him. Otherwise, I know that she would be dead today. I drink the whole bottle and I’m feeling wild. At some point, I realize she is texting away over in her chair next to her H. I know she’s probably texting my H who is on his way to the event. I text my H and say “I can’t wait til our talk tonight”. He says him too. I say “Stop listening to that B**** in your ear”. He says “Whatever haha”. I don’t know if he told her anything, I don’t think he did as there was no text or call to her after I said that. She makes an excuse about needing to leave, but I see her in her car still texting. Then she texts me from the parking lot, as I’m still sitting next to her H, and says “what’s wrong” and I say something like stupid B’s and a few other innuendos but not saying anything direct as I want to confront H first. I never thought to google or get a book or anything on how to handle this situation. I was just going with it.

H shows up, sees right away that I’m not right, but acts normal and friendly to me and OWH, even hugs me hard and gives me a kiss. My oldest boy drives his drunk mom home, then H picks me up and we go to local restaurant/bar. I’m looking super good, still a bit tipsy. Pretty much right away, I tell him I know he is seeing OW and want to know the extent of it. He says it’s only been talk, just as friends, that they’ve been helping each other with their marriages. After pressing, he admits that it’s gotten a bit flirty a few times, but mostly just talk. He’s never been a phone talker, I call BS but he sticks with it. I don’t know how they hid it, he says he didn’t hide it and he had close calls…to this day, this makes no sense to me but he hasn’t admitted to how he hid the contact. At one point, I did find an entry in his address book that showed her number plus the Call Block code under the name “Mark” – which is not her name. But he wasn’t blocking the calls. She occasionally called as blocked but even she wasn’t trying to hide it that hard. I was very open with my whereabouts in communications with both of them, check-ins on Facebook, etc, so it’s quite possible that a combination of communicating when I wasn’t around and deleting the records was what worked…but still I wonder.

Anyway, I’m devastated, ask him what he wants. He says he wants to try and work it out, I say me too. I point out all of the differences between me and OW. He seems surprised at the insights I have into her and acknowledges that he hadn’t looked at her that way. I want him to call her the next morning and end all contact. He says he will. He makes one comment that still haunts me – “It’s not like we were going to move in together or anything. It was just friendship.” He says what about this volunteer org of which we are all so heavily involved in. I say I want him to resign. He says he can’t, it would hurt a lot of people and the community. He says OMH can’t know or it will hurt this org. He says I have to act normal and we’ll phase out the friendship over a bit of time. I say I don’t know, we’ll have to figure it out. But the NC call has to happen and he agrees. We have fantastic sex all night that night and I remember very little as I kept drinking. Somehow I go to work the next day, and the cell phone online acct says he called her and talked about 40 min that morning. I text and ask him if he called her and ended contact. He said yes. I said are you sad. He said no. I said is she sad. He said yes. I said because she is busted or because she is losing you. He said both. I then text her and tell her she is never to speak to my H again or contact in any electronic or written fashion ever again. She is to avoid me and my kids. She is to delete us on FB and any other apps. I called her a bunch of names. She responds with “we’re just friends”, “I was helping him improve your marriage”, “we only talked about the kids”, “you are crazy, you are freaking out over nothing” and further nonsense. She tells me how much I mean to her as a friend, she doesn’t want to lose our friendship. She tells me how much she loves my kids and how her kids will be devastated to lose their friends. I don’t reply. I save all of her messages.


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

We don’t see them for a couple weeks. I stay busy at work. H and I try to connect in the evenings, tons of sex, drinking and going out (not normal for us), acting really crazy and dangerous. By now, I’ve learned I got that coveted promotion (no clue how considering my state of mind during the interviews!) which means I’m super busy at work and this could not be worse timing. I’m feeling everything slipping. I’m depressed, not sleeping, not eating, hung over often, short with the kids, distracted at work, falling asleep literally in meetings. As often as possible, I drink. I know this is a bad habit to start but it’s the only thing I can think of to deal with the pain. Thus I don’t remember a lot of this time period. 

An event with the volunteer org approaches. I know we will all be present. I dread and dread. I finally decided to call the mom of the OWH and confide in her everything. I’ve always been close to her and admired her. She takes charge, I feel relieved. She agrees to be at the event and help keep everyone to their corners andsays that at this point we should not tell OWH (her son!). Again at this point, we just think it was calls and texts and minor flirting (in our hearts we knew the truth, but you want to believe so badly!) I say okay, I will do my best but I can make no promises. I’m hanging by a string above a giant pool of crazy. 

OW MIL calls me the next day to tell me she talked to OW. MIL feels confident OW is telling the truth, they were just friends but realized they were crossing the line with all the contacts and they were going to stop. MIL said OW told her I was overreacting etc. The MIL, OW and family are going out of town for a few days before the event we all have to be at. The day I know they are leaving, I’m messing with our iPad while sitting with my kids and H. I start looking through emails, not really searching for anything, just browsing. OMG. There is a picture of her – one of those taken in the mirror with her looking back over her shoulder, jeans pulled down, lacy gstring splitting her giant cellulite covered butt cheeks. Then I find close up shaved vajayjayshot with her tacky vacation manicure showing, so I know it is HER naughty part. I look at my H with what I’m assuming looked like complete psychotic eyes. He looks startled at my expression but clueless as to its reason. I bolt out the door, jump in my car with the ipad and he’s after me trying to get the ipad as I guess he just remembered what is on there. I’m holding down the electronic lock buttons while emailing each pic to my work email so he can’t delete them. He gets in, takes the ipad and keys and goes into the house. I take off down the street on foot and hide in the woods. (yes, really!) He tracks my phone and comes to find me but I’ve already texted the pix to the OW with some nasty words, to the OW MIL, and to 2 other friends. From the OW MIL I get – “OMG, this is horrible and disgusting. I’m so sorry. We are all in the car right now driving to XYZ and I don’t know how I’m going to pretend like everything is okay!” I refuse to come home, we are shouting in the woods but there are houses all around, and I realize this is about to get out of hand so I say that I’ll come home. I was again zombie person. I don’t remember everything but at some point, I leave with my oldest son. He drops me off where I instruct him to and takes his brothers to their grandmothers for the night. H was still at home I think, this is foggy to me for some reason. I act like I’m going to a house until my son drives away, but I actually go to another wooded area and hang out there all night sobbing and getting eaten alive by mosquitoes. I just didn’t know where to go. H wiped out my cell phone remotely when he couldn’t figure out where I was in this big wooded area. Luckily I still had my work cell. About 3am I figure he’s stopped looking for me and start walking towards where I could get to a gas station or whatever. I really just wanted some alcohol. Here he comes up the road. Drives up over the curb and into the grass, demands I get in the car. I see he’s lost it, I comply. We go home, drink, have crazy sex, pass out. This is DD2, right?

Event comes. OW is there and OWH. It’s obvious to people that know us well something is up. I’m avoiding all of them, but sticking close to H. H is hugging me often in between his duties, being very PDA in front of OW and everyone else. This is not normal for him, but it is helping me a lot. I’m looking very good as I haven’t eaten in weeks while she is flaunting herself around being more social than normal and looking like the dog turd that she is. We make it through that day. Another event is upcoming, I hear from OW MIL asking how I’m doing. I’m having a bad day, act a little crazy, make a few veiled threats. OW and family go dark, because at this point H and OMH are still in near daily contact as they work together in this org and maintain their friendship. H says to me something is up. I agree, as OW MIL stops taking my calls for a few days. I find out later that OW MIL was concerned I was going to blow the lid off and convinced OW to “come clean” with OWH with the MIL present.

Email comes in a day or two later with OMH resigning from volunteer org for personal reasons. OW MIL confirms that she and OW had together told OMH about the phone calls, texts, and pix. OMH responds to one of H’s postings on FB saying some derogatory stuff. H responds likewise. I’m flabbergasted at H’s nerve to bash innocent OWH. I decide to email OMH to express my sorrow, commiseration, and offer to talk or share info, whatever he might need. He responds in kind, expressing his severe pain and asking how I could have held up a normal front for the past weeks. He wanted to know how I had kept myself from murdering his W. He confides that he’d had to pull over his car that day because he was crying so hard. I ask him if he thinks they really stopped before PA? He says yes, he is very confident they did because he’d “broken OW down over the past few days” and there’s no way she could have continued lying under his pressure. I left the ball in his court, but indicated I’d like to stay in touch with him. He did not contact me further, I was disappointed but didn’t want to pressure him. I thought we could have at least talked once or twice to connect some dots and God knows we are the only two people that could truly understand what the other is going through.


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

The next weeks and months are a blur. H says he wants to be with me. He puts up with a lot of craziness from me. I put up with some from him, but I can see him struggling to see my pain and trying to put himself out there. He makes some efforts, puts some promises in writing, reads articles I forward him, and shows remorse. We both drink, not daily, but more than we should. He has NC with OW since that very first NC call he made (that I can find). I’ve had a few contacts with OW – still her denying and me just saying random ugly things and the occasional honest question but only lies coming from her. He’s being increasingly more affectionate, considerate, doing some stuff around the house, emailing/texting/calling me during the day, lots of I love yous. It sorta scares me…because it’s what I’d always wished for, had settled to do without, and now I’m getting it in the midst of all this confusion and pain. The sex is the only really great thing. We are still at it 7 days a week.

We have a couple nights out. I learn from a semi-friend in this same organization (no one I would ever confide anything in) that she knows about the “talking” between my H and OW. I hear from a couple other friends that they’d heard things. One of H’s male friends hugs me suddenly and really tightly for no reason and I later find out my H had told him “I cheated on her, she knows, and now we are having the best sex of our lives”. I find out that his other friend knows and that my H had asked about the friend’s wife’s affair and the following revenge affair – he asked “was it worth it?” I’m dying as I’m pretty private and I have no idea why my H is telling all these people things. Isn’t he ashamed of what he did? He almost seems proud! I call H out on these details, but won’t say who told me. H sleuths it out and begins threatening all of these friends, saying things were just starting to get a little better for me and now their talking has destroyed that. I’m at work getting phone calls from friends scared that my H is coming after them. Everyone is upset about how this affecting THEM, and I find myself in the role of comforting THEM! So in addition to the pix and texts and the calls, it’s now becoming pretty clear this was a PA. I already had assumed it was, but it’s very different to assume than to know for sure. Again I’m devastated. So this is DD3, back at square 1. Actually probably square -1.

I flip out, send texts to OW, OWMIL, scream at H. Time is a blur, some of our talks are with alcohol so my memory has holes. Bits and pieces trickle out. He mentions that she’d given him a BJ after I once drunk-threatened that I would go to OWH and give him a revenge BJ because she’d once told me that she didn’t like and never gave BJs. Eventually he admits to sex, then to multiple times of sex. He refers to “a couple” sessions in hotels during the day when she was to be at work and he was mobile. He volunteers that those sessions involved several times of having sex. I ask about condoms, he says “no, we didn’t use them because I had only been with you and she had only been with 3 people”. W. T. F. She is a nurse in the GYN field!!!!! I said, she had a baby of mixed race as a teenager, and you believe her??? But there is a limit to the details I want to know, even thought this missing pieces do bother me. 

I make an appt for STD testing. I also am still having those infections, which OW/Nurse had given me prescriptions for and refills that I’m still using as needed. I tell the doctor everything and cry like a baby. I wait for the results. I tell H I don’t know what to do. He begs me to forgive and to stay with him. He says and does a lot of the right things. He says he did bad things during that 5 month period. He says he doesn’t want to rehash those things and doesn’t want to hurt me more than he already has, and that’s why he’s withheld details. I ask him if I know everything, he swears that I do. 

I’m still not eating, not sleeping, in a daze. But working and going through the every day motions. H is treating me like I’m made of glass. Still lots of sex. Weird things I notice about myself – that all still exist today – tremors at random times in my body – like electric shocks, regularly hearing myself “catch my breath” like one does after a hard crying jag, body temperature drops when I’m upset, fear at strange times – like if my H and I get separated at the grocery store and I can’t find him quickly, I have panic attacks.


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

Anyway, I’m at work a couple weeks later, get call from Doc. I’m told I have an STD, it is HPV16. She gives me all the info, I research more online. I had one partner one time at age 16 with a condom prior to my H, otherwise I’ve only been with him in the last 20+ years. H was a virgin when we started dating in high school. I ask the Doc – is there any chance, with our sexual history, that I could have gotten this STD from anything other than my husband cheating on me. She said it was possible but very unlikely. I hung up, left work early. Told H. He didn’t show much reaction. Said he was sorry. Seemed kind of stunned. Went to research HPV online himself. I told him I would be calling OMH. Even though HPV rarely affects men, he’s a carrier. Maybe he’s going to leave OW or have a revenge affair…he should know, right? At this point, OMH doesn’t even know it was a PA. H didn’t discourage me but I realized later he didn’t think I was actually going to do it.

Next morning, (I waited til I knew she would be at work) I text OMH and say “I need to talk to you, when would be good?”. He replies “now”. I say “are you sure? It’s not good news”. He says yes. I call from a private room at work. Keep in mind, at this point he still thinks no PA. I tell him that there was sex, H admitted, and the few details I knew about where and when, about the no protection, and about the HPV16. He says he doesn’t know what to think. He’s just sure there was no PA. He wonders aloud why my H would admit to PA if no PA. I just let him ramble. He then tells me there are things OW told him about my H that he should tell me. I say “bring it!” He then rattles off 5 stories of truly awful things that my H has supposedly done. Multiple affairs, EA and PA, a threesome with 18 yos, etc. OW told him he would never have slept with my H because my H was so promiscuous. Of course, here I am floored yet again, although I’m getting a little more jaded to this process than I was DD1. Only a hair less crazy, but hey, improvement is improvement. We hang up, again I extend my offer to share evidence, discuss, and commiserate. He never contacted me again. Ever. To this day.

About 5 min later, OW texts me “You F*****g B****”. Up to now, I’d been the only one hurling insults. She really had not called me names. Just politely continued to lie to me and gaslight me. She starts threatening me. She tells me that H is only lying about PA to make me leave. That she would never have sex with my H. It was only pix and talking. She said I’d ruined her life. She wanted to know about the HPV results and expressed no surprise or dismay in learning that she either had it or had been exposed to it or anything. I think she knew she had it. She demanded that I tell her H that I and my H were lying. She said that she had all sorts of evidence about my H’s true activities and that she would not share it unless I fixed things with her H. I saved all her texts. I told H later that night. He was truly surprised I’d followed through with my plan. And not in a good way. He said that if OMH shot his family that night or came and shot our family that it would be on me. I should have minded my own business. Wow. He did later apologize but that he even thought to blame me for a moment…wow.

Of course, OW and OWH throwing new accusations into the mix without a shred of evidence has been the cruelest thing they ever could have done. I have chased my tail and chewed off my foot looking for anything on the new accusations. I can’t find anything, but evidence about the one OW. Plenty of evidence about her. Emails where all of the 2 families were copied that in hindsight were full of innuendos on her part. FB posts by OW that had veiled flirtations or hints at the truth. She had a lot of fun sticking that knife in my back over and over. So with the exception of two small nuggets of truth in the new accusations – both admitted by my H and verified by other parties, and the other items linger out there in the fog to taunt me with the not knowing and not being sure…but it seems that if there is tons of evidence of OW and no evidence of anyone else…that there was just OW and she was trying to deflect by telling her H and me otherwise. But it still haunts me.

Throughout all of this, I did gather bits and pieces of what about our marriage was lacking for my H. It was all pretty mundane stuff. I’ve read the Love Languages and am working through His Needs, Her Needs now. While I don’t want to discount his needs, I do want to say that I have read some marital help stuff over the years and have tried really hard to fulfill all needs. I’m not perfect, but he was NOT lacking or bereft in any of his needs. I think about it like a bunch of gas tanks (love banks, whatever) for each need he has. I would say most of them were topped off and a few at 75%. Nothing like what would necessitate an A. 

He said I didn’t compliment him enough, but I think he just didn’t hear me cuz he was already hearing her voice over mine. He also said I was too mothering. This one bothered me the most, as it was one of the things he loved about me when we first met. I remember him saying that the day I refilled the empty ice cube tray without being asked the first time I came to eat dinner with his family, was the day he knew he wanted to marry me. He has always shown appreciation for me taking care of the family and kind of being the hub to all of our spokes. So this hurt to hear my gift of love become my downfall. He said he wanted me to be more fun. This I know refers back to me encouraging more control with the drinking.


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

He said we didn’t have sex enough. I have never ever denied sex (although on occasion I’ve been unenthusiastic and a bit resistant when he has presented himself sloppy drunk and horny). I gave him as much sex as he wanted. I would have liked to had more, actually, so it really pissed me off when he threw lack of sex in my face as a reason for his A. He actually said “remember that year when Child A slept in our bed? I don’t think we had sex during that whole year!” Me – “uh, yeah I friggin remember! It sucked for me too.” He would come to bed after I was asleep, or when the baby would be up, or whatever. I’m sure it didn’t help that I probably looked like crap, smelled like baby vomit, and was barely functioning as I held down my career and 3 kids while breastfeeding a child who refused anything but the breast. This was one of our rough periods. But it was FIVE YEARS AGO. Since then, things got back on track, sex was good and regular at least weekly. So really? This is what caused you to have an A now? 

He likes our sex life now a lot – and I have stepped up my game as far as the things I do. He was resistant to me, so I followed his lead. But now, I take charge more often and he also will take charge sometimes and it’s fun that way. So yes, even though our sex life wasn’t bad or lacking in frequency, it has gotten way more fun and satisfying. Also, my low maintenance appearance was an issue, although he never said it. Based on how he has responded to me slimming down, spending more time on how I look, I know this played a part. Not that OW is super hot…she is super not. She has some attractiveness but I would honestly still say less attractive than me. She has fake boobs, but mine are larger and real, She has a giant butt, mine is normal, she has cellulite filled, varicose veined legs, I have gorgeous legs. She has no taste in dress, make up, hair…I do, but sometimes choose to be more slouchy in the interest of time or money (not anymore). But honestly, she was more tomboy than me and often appeared in public looking like a homeless person. She is a glorified cleaning lady, I manage over a thousand people. She doesn’t cook, doesn’t clean, is the self-proclaimed opposite of Betty Crocker, makes very little money, and is not attentive to her children…yet other than work she has no life, hobbies, family, nothing. She’s not outgoing nor social. She’s more high maintenance than me with the hair and nail appts and wanting $400 purses and such – but then she still dresses like a total slob so it doesn’t seem like money well spent. She has two children, one kid from a pregnancy at 16 that her H has raised as his own, and one that she has with her H. They are both some of the most socially awkward kids I have ever met. She doesn’t make an attempt to ensure their teeth are brushed, hair cut and combed, clothes are raggedy and ill fitting. Her H is nice, a little boring, takes up the slack on cooking and cleaning that his W doesn’t do or is fine with fast food and eating out every night. His family has oil money and they see a lot of it. OW smokes full time but he doesn’t know it!! How does one do that?! She is one to say “yeah, let’s buy this but don’t tell H how much it was” or “don’t tell H how many drinks I’ve had tonight”. I’m just not that way with my H and always told her that I would never lie to her H and she was on her own with that. I let her know I disapproved. (irony, oh irony)

So now here we are. NC has held as far as I can tell. He says “I can’t even picture what she looks like” and “I don’t know what I was thinking”. He told me once that he kept waiting for her as “the woman” to put the brakes on things, but she kept leading him on the next step. He described the nasty excitement of doing this right under the OWH’s nose, the competition factor of it. He says all he’s ever truly wanted is me, he just forgot for a little while. The only way I’ve found to live with this is to spread the blame. And I’m not sure that’s right, but it’s what is working for me (sorta) right now. I blame my OW more than the normal OW. She was intricately involved in our lives. She had access to me and my H and the will and ability to manipulate us all. She hugged and kissed my kids and told me that she loved them as if they were her own. I blame the supplements my H was on that drove his libido and testosterone levels up. While legal, I don’t think they are safe and I think this, along with his screaming conscience, also contributed to the physical violence. His awful parents and childhood did a lot of damage that lies under the surface.

I haven’t done much to the OW. There is so much I could do but not worth the repercussions. I’m no longer the “bigger person” who wants to protect OWH or OW’s kids. I actually don’t care about them at all. I’m developing quite a little mean streak. I drove to her house one night with a big landscaping rock on the passenger seat next to me with the plan to throw it through her car window (but I did not). I’ve seriously considered posting one of her risqué photos on Cheaterville but have settled for searching her name every so often so that she has a really high search count. It feels late to do any exposing or much of the advice that is so good here. I wish I’d found this information much earlier. Not hurting the OW enough is a thorn in my side…makes me feel like a wimp. The fact that her MIL and her H still believe this was only an EA…it eats at me. But I figure they are stupid and they will find out the truth and worse some day.


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

I’m afraid I’ve developed myself a nifty little drinking problem, which I’ve NEVER in my life had. As I’ve drank myself into quite a few black out nights, I’ve done some shameful things in anger. I keep things somewhat together and tamped down tight…until a little alcohol loosens me up. I feel very alone. Since he did most of the post A blabbing, nearly everyone I was previously close to is tainted. I can’t talk to any of them. I never disclosed to his family as none of them are really involved in our lives with any consistency. My family only knows something bad happened with these friends and I’m sure have put some sort of 2 and 2 together. I have one friend who has been a BS and she has given me such great advice and truly been there for me. I try not to dump on her too often, as she is starting a new life with a great new guy after finally dumping her WS after his 2nd A. I’m still very social and active, as one of H’s complaints about me was that I wasn’t being fun enough…so I’m very conscience of that. But I’m just always lonely in a crowd of people.

H doesn’t believe in counseling. His mom is an addict and became that way through counseling and various therapies. She has been awful to him his whole life. So he is not in the least bit interested in IC or MC and honestly I’m really not either.

Oh the triggers…they are just awful. The OW and OWH live just around the corner from us. Until recently, I’ve been driving out of my way in order to avoid the road that goes past their neighborhood. But lately I’ve been trying to reclaim certain things that are triggers. I’ve learned here about “flooding” and have been trying that. Of course, so I’ve passed her on the road twice now. Grrrrrr. But this is MY town and I’ll be darned if I continue to hate it and my house and my community as much as I do right now. I’ve asked my H to just let’s move the heck away from here and never look back but he says no that’s not what I really want deep down…he says it’s a knee jerk reaction. I say, NO let’s just burn the house down and go!!! And I think I mean it!! I still come across pictures that have one or more of their family members in it. Pix tagged on FB that have me stupidly smiling with both OW and my H there, knowing what they are doing behind my back. I have a LOT of rage and it tends to come out at awkward times. I’m doing my best to cut back on drinking right now. I could easily cut it completely, but I’m not ready to lose this outlet when the pain or rage or sadness gets unbearable. 

I guess I’ve rambled my way to some sort of end here. I will edit this before posting as its super long and winding. If you stick through reading my story, I welcome your thoughts about it. No one on this earth knows my whole story. Probably not even me. Note that I’ve since tested clear of the virus and need to do so twice more over the next year to be deemed officially clear. Also those infections cleared up completely about 2 months after NC and have never reappeared so I conclude they were caused by my H having sex with OW. 

My one year anniversary of DD1 is Friday, June 8. That was the day I saw that number in my cell phone bill followed by 56 minutes of talk time and I KNEW. For now, I take a line from Finding Nemo and just keep swimming.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

This was a tough read on a cell phone, but worth it. Its a shame that the OWH is in denial and that OW was able to deny the PA. That happens sometimes. There's been more than a few BSs that come here in denial too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

You are one tough cookie  I'm really happy for you. As lordmayhem said its a shame that OWH can't man up and demand answers from the OW.

But you, you are the alpha woman :allhail:


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I would ask around about the stories regarding your husband (threesomes, multiple affairs, etc.) Not sure I would just believe the OW or her husband.

But I don't doubt they are true. I would just confirm.

Tough to see whether the bad guy is your husband or the OW. My guess is both. I wouldn't trust either of them.


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Yeah I read it on the phone too, totally wrapped into it feeling your anger along the way

I botched my exposure too and it's the one thing that still gets me riled up


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Btw- right now you are self medicating with alcohol to alleviate the enormous pain

You need to stop

It's making it worse, it is a depressant 

Remember how good you felt when you were on that fitness kick? Exercise will help you so much more than than the wine


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> Btw- right now you are self medicating with alcohol to alleviate the enormous pain
> 
> You need to stop
> 
> ...


Thanks for all the posts and for reading. Believe it or not, the above post was 14 pages in Word which I'd whittled down from 21!

I agree that the drinking needs to stop. I'm not quite ready, but I'm hoping once I get through the next few months, I will no longer feel the need. But I appreciate and value the advice.

I did ask around a lot about the other accusations. I found tiny nuggets of truth in two of them, they were just greatly exaggerated but still upsetting. One involved a friend texting a topless photo to my H and my H never telling me. I confronted her but she would not admit verbally...but her body language said it all. She was also a BS so yeah, these women are just crazy! The other was a kiss during the A with a different woman. She admitted and confirmed only a kiss and a 3rd party verified and all apologized and blamed alcohol with stupidity.

So many stories on here have touched me and helped me learn.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

StandingInQuicksand said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I left out two important components of my story.

My kids. This has been hard on them. Their solid, patient, reliable, doting mom has been a total lunatic for a whole year. They have no idea what hit them. My oldest probably knows quite a lot...I'm sure he's overheard things and I've often wondered if he knew anything before I did but I don't want to put him in that position by asking. It would break my heart. His grades have been terrible, he quit high school sports, has been in trouble at school, snuck out, drank my alcohol, got caught with pot...all this year. My middle child has been the most stable, but even his grades have gone down. The little one has grown more wild as I've been less attentive to his disciplinary needs. It's hard to put in the effort to save your sanity and your marriage without neglecting your kids.

Legal woes. Early in discovery, a really bad argument spilled into our front yard. It was just telling but some stupid neighbor felt they needed to call the police. By the time they showed, I was in bed asleep. H answered the door still belligerent and irate and mouthed off to the cop. I came to door, told cop we were fine and I was trying to sleep to please leave. H threw a few more choice words in there, pissed off the cop and wound up arrested. Nothing I said would get the cop to let him go. He was booked downtown in our very large city with no shoes and locked in a filthy holding cell. I couldn't get him out til next day. It took no less than 15 court appearances and a couple grand to finally get the recording of the arrest that showed my H had done nothing to warrant an arrest. It was humiliating sitting in the criminal court for hours every couple of weeks on top of everything else going on!! Wow I have some of the worst luck ever.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Ill say one more thing and drop it 

Take it from someone who has self medicated a lot in the past due to a bipolar disorder

The drinking is becoming part of the problem, it will retard your emotional growth greatly and your ability to heal

There are better ways of coping, the booze will extend the time you spend in the hell that you are in

as to the possibility of other affairs

I do fear that you will get another dose of trickle truth, you need to lay down that there will be severe consequences (ie divorce) if anything else comes to light


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

StandingInQuicksand said:


> Thanks for all the posts and for reading. Believe it or not, the above post was 14 pages in Word which I'd whittled down from 21!


well you did it the smart way

I posted my story over the course of 18 days (same time period as the affair), so at least you didnt leave us hanging like I did to people!


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Sorry you have to be here, friend.
Cut the alcohol. Do it. Seriously. You don't want to be me.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

Lots to read! But I did and I'm sorry you've been going thru this. One year too and doing things without advice really. CWI is a great place. Lots of info, help, and support. 

Don't let this bring your kids down. They are showing signs already of hurting don't let it! That's like letting her win all over again. 

I "get it" That you drink to forget or feel good. My H and I do the same. We are happy drinking margaritas on a patio! But its not reality and it will not my OR YOUR situation go away. 

Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> Ill say one more thing and drop it
> 
> Take it from someone who has self medicated a lot in the past due to a bipolar disorder
> 
> ...


Yes I agree. I have cut back in the last couple weeks ad will continue to do so. Why add to my problems.

The feeling that more could be lurking out there is awful. I can't take anymore. And I did tell H every time that any more untold things or lies that came out would mean D. But I guess he never believed that and obviously was right since I'm still here. I did kick him out after PA was confirmed. He was gone a few hours and I felt better til I saw his toiletries missing. They've been there next to mine since I was a teenager! I freaked out and called him to come back. He was at the damn movies!!! U believe that?! Amazing. But he came home - after the movie of course. Lol!

The kiss with a different woman was only recently found out. Maybe a month ago. I lost my mind, got violent, really went nuts. But he took it. Said it was all part of the same craziness of that 5 moth period. Amazing how a mere 5 months can destroy 20 years. My one confidant friend says that she thinks in his mind that kiss was him cheating on OW. In his mind at that point, he was thinking and acting towards D and didn't care about the marriage anymore. He says once he said the word D to me - that was his wake up call.

I truly wish I didn't know any of this. Just wish he'd been a man an figured this ish out on his own, ended it, fixed it, and then put all his attention into making us better. But no Mr Selfish Ahole did not.

I often think I'm just biding time here and will eventually D. Wait for the kids to get a little older. Get finances together. Work on myself some. Make sure that I did all I could so I leave with a clear conscience. I dunno...other times I think somehow we'll get happily ever after. Just depends on the day. And sometimes the minute.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

StandingInQuicksand said:


> I truly wish I didn't know any of this. Just wish he'd been a man an figured this ish out on his own, ended it, fixed it, and then put all his attention into making us better. But no Mr Selfish Ahole did not.
> 
> I often think I'm just biding time here and will eventually D. Wait for the kids to get a little older. Get finances together. Work on myself some. Make sure that I did all I could so I leave with a clear conscience. I dunno...other times I think somehow we'll get happily ever after. Just depends on the day. And sometimes the minute.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Both of your comments here I felt like earlier this morning too, however later in the morning & in the shower I decided the "old" me would rather not know because I hurt so badly right now. BUT that is wrong and is rug sweeping and the PA information eventually could still come out so better to deal with this now than which is WAY worse. 

My H was my high school sweethearts too (dated since 10th grade-close friends prior to that) and we got pregnant my senior year and married as soon as my son was born. I've known no one but HIM. He was my rock and my comfort and my strength. That is gone now and I'm slowly accepting that it will never be the same. Our youngest does leave for college in a couple of months and it will be just us two...it's honestly all I've waited for and now it's here I'm thinking is it what and who I want to be with??? So did I just bid time over the last year- I don't know- but to help StandinginQuicksand feel better you can at least have the knowledge you tried to make it work.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Standing,

Getting out of your quicksand is a conscious decision on your part.

You handled yourself so well!!! Be proud of yourself.

You should have left your hubby in jail to ponder his behavior a little longer.

You seem to have cleaned up the mess very well. Do not stop your forward momentum and clean yourself up too.

I hope you do not continue your marriage with one foot out the door in the future. You are only cheating yourself and robbing your own marriage.

Quit thedrinking 100%.
Go see an IC to work out your feelings for yourself.
Love your kids 110% because they need it and deserve it.

I hope your husband truly deserves the gift of reconciliation. I hope he shows you his love everyday.

And I hope you get to a place in your life where you feel he is deserving of you again....

Thanks for your great post and story. Do not ever change you because you are awesome!!!

HM64


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

Ingalls said:


> Both of your comments here I felt like earlier this morning too, however later in the morning & in the shower I decided the "old" me would rather not know because I hurt so badly right now. BUT that is wrong and is rug sweeping and the PA information eventually could still come out so better to deal with this now than which is WAY worse.
> 
> My H was my high school sweethearts too (dated since 10th grade-close friends prior to that) and we got pregnant my senior year and married as soon as my son was born. I've known no one but HIM. He was my rock and my comfort and my strength. That is gone now and I'm slowly accepting that it will never be the same. Our youngest does leave for college in a couple of months and it will be just us two...it's honestly all I've waited for and now it's here I'm thinking is it what and who I want to be with??? So did I just bid time over the last year- I don't know- but to help StandinginQuicksand feel better you can at least have the knowledge you tried to make it work.


Thanks for your comments. Wow, in your shoes, I'm not sure what I would do. My biggest fear is to spend more years (at 37 I'm no spring chicken anymore) only to find that H cheats again and then I'm x years older and starting over. I'd much rather do that now than later if that's my fate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> Standing,
> 
> Getting out of your quicksand is a conscious decision on your part.
> 
> ...


Wow happy man! Your words were very kind. Not sure I deserve them...I feel like I've been wretched. But in some ways I can't believe I've made it this far. I too hope he's worth it. Time will tell.

I too wish I'd left him in jail longer. It was a horrible and terrifying experience for him. Would you believe he blamed me for the longest? Probably still does although he has said he no longer does. He felt like I was not trying hard enough to convince the cop to let him go. Mind you, he's screaming from inside the car while I'm trying to reason with the cop. I tried everything. I would have even offered favors if the cop would've been receptive -lol! Not really but maybe.

When he finally heard the audio recording from the cop car, heard me pleading and explaining and then demanding and even threatening the officer, he realized I had done quite a lot. The cop was wrong but had H not been drunk and irate, this never would have happened.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

It's strange

time and time again we see BS's constantly pursuing their WS and jumping through hoops to get them back. More trickle truth comes and more hoops to jump through. 

Then finally after the dust has settled the BS then has time to think and ask "why? and was it worth doing all of that?"

and that is where you are at

the affair destroyed
the husband showing remorse
transparency etc

but now you are questioning whether or not you really want that in the first place, the pain sinks all over again but this time in a different way. There is no fight or flight adrenaline here, now you have the eerie calm to actually think and ponder.


And the answer will be different for each and every one of us and the answer will often change day to day or minute to minute


Just realize this-

even though Dday 1 was almost a year ago, you really haven't had a chance to stop and reflect until recently. The trickle truth keeps coming and the drama keeps unfolding.

But you do have time, you are only 37, and that may not be no spring chicken but it is still plenty of time to let your true feelings develop. Heal a little and then make a decision when you are capable of making one. You will know it when it comes to you. I promise you that.


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

Yes, you have described me perfectly. That's exactly where I'm at.

So now what? How do I get my joy back?

In the immediate, I'm itching to fvck with OW on Friday (anniversary of 1st DD). Being that she was my friend for many years...I hate her immensely. In a recent search I came across emails between her and I and was astounded to see how kind and generous I was to her. I'm such a big meanie now...to everyone...it's hard to accept that my entire being has changed so greatly. 

So contact? Yes or no and if yes, what? Maybe shoot her a pic of her own vajayjay? She's surely blocked that memory out of her mind by now. Maybe her phone will be unattended and someone else can add to her shame.

Also, I bought a VAR but have never even opened the pkg. I also do snoop but not that hard. When I do, I always find things but only dating to that same period. God it's hard to look at vacation photos my H took of me with HER acting like BFFs knowing he was fvcking her. How could he ask me and her to stay friends when only EA was confirmed...but he knew it was PA. How could he be so willin to make that much of a fool out of me while professing to love me and want to work things out? 

Reading stories here...I realize how little I really know. I have no idea what was said in those tons of calls and texts. I don't know the depth of the feelings other than that once I initially confronted him, he was immediately saying he wanted to stay. But after asking for D days earlier. It's all still very confusing to me.

Just keep thinking I need to leave the past where it is...am I rug sweeping?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

For starters don't fvck with OW

I know you hate her
I know it would feel good (temporarily)

But you don't need the drama and she might even like the attention to think of your husband again

You exposed and as unfortunate as it was that it didn't work as you hoped that really is the only thing to do to her IMO
Indifference and ignoring her is the best way to show her that you are just fine without her in your life. She doesn't deserve any of your precious time being devoted to her. 

As for finding joy?

It starts when you come to the realization that you will be just fine no matter what the outcome is (R or D) and that happiness is what you make of what you have. 

Right now you are depressed, you can't see a promising future or even a realistic future, all you see is pain and misery. That is not a true reality and your ability to process everyday life is skewed. It's a big reason why I think you should stop drinking and start up the exercise, as that will help lift you out of your dark cloud. Also consider seeing your doctor for antidepressants for a short period of time.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

:iagree:


Good Advice AR....

Standing,

Happiness comes from within. I am sure you know this but you probably do not remember what it feels like to be happy for a little while.

Take the time to work on you. You can be a little selfish with your time to accomplish these tasks. Your husband can certainly take up the slack. He owes it to you.


Get your head in a better place.
Get your heart in a better place.
Get your soul in a better place.
And most certainly get your body in a better place.

You are only 37 so "Whip It Good!"

And "Just DO It!"

Those are my 2 original thoughts for you today......LOL

HM64


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

I hear you both. 

H is busy tonight. One son is with him so I know he is where he is supposed to be.

But I snoop the pc and see that there is a My Hidden Folder app downloaded in our iTunes account. That can't be good. So I guess I'll be demanding the "real" and "fake" password for that app since its set up to store real and fake stuff that way. Obviously it was designed by a WS.

Please pray that there is nothing for me to find.

Waiting...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Oh wow I just looked that app up, how disgusting


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Damn! You learn something new everyday.

Good Job Standing. I hope you find nothing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

Just looked-one for android too hide it pro wow I didn't know stuff like this was out there?!?

Do let us know if you get both passwords.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

Ingalls said:


> Just looked-one for android too hide it pro wow I didn't know stuff like this was out there?!?
> 
> Do let us know if you get both passwords.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Turns out it wasn't installed on his phone. My teen son had downloaded it and had some party pix on there he was hiding. My H was real quiet afterwards...then tried saying "you know, I'm not going to pretend that didn't piss me off a bit..." I cut him off with "one year ago today to the hour, you were telling me you wanted a divorce." he StFU and I got lots of cuddles all night. 

Today I'm exhausted. The panic and dread and adrenalin sure takes a toll on the body.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

reminds me of when my dad was cheating on my mom and after it was "supposedly" over, my mother found condoms in the dryer. They were mine as I must've left them in my pocket and I admitted it knowing full well why she got so worried.


I know it's a relief but your husband's initial reaction is not very remorseful


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

can you get your son into counseling BTW?


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> can you get your son into counseling BTW?


We've talked about it. We had a long talk a few days ago and I put some incentives out for stopping the pot and sneaking out. He committed to taking and passing a drug test in 30 days after which he will earn something he's been really wanting. I've checked with him each day and he's said he's sticking to the plan. Yesterday he went and had good clean fun playing paintball which made me really happy to see. I also got him some books but he has yet to crack them to my knowledge.

Consequences and grounding and punishments have not phased him. I read in His Needs Her Needs that in the teen years it's best to swap from punishment to incentives so I'm giving that a whirl.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

StandingInQuicksand said:


> We've talked about it. We had a long talk a few days ago and I put some incentives out for stopping the pot and sneaking out. He committed to taking and passing a drug test in 30 days after which he will earn something he's been really wanting. I've checked with him each day and he's said he's sticking to the plan. Yesterday he went and had good clean fun playing paintball which made me really happy to see. I also got him some books but he has yet to crack them to my knowledge.
> 
> Consequences and grounding and punishments have not phased him. I read in His Needs Her Needs that in the teen years it's best to swap from punishment to incentives so I'm giving that a whirl.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


well it's good you trying something, obviously there's been neglect from the huge stress ball

how old is he now? Have you discussed with your husband to let him know what has happened without detail so he can process it better?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

StandingInQuicksand said:


> Turns out it wasn't installed on his phone. My teen son had downloaded it and had some party pix on there he was hiding. My H was real quiet afterwards...then tried saying "you know, I'm not going to pretend that didn't piss me off a bit..." I cut him off with "one year ago today to the hour, you were telling me you wanted a divorce." he StFU and I got lots of cuddles all night.
> 
> Today I'm exhausted. The panic and dread and adrenalin sure takes a toll on the body.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You gotta love teenagers!!!

Your husbands response sucks and you handled yourself well.

Go have a Jamba juice today and then a massage on your hubby's credit card.

You deserve it!!

HM64


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

StandingInQuicksand said:


> Turns out it wasn't installed on his phone. My teen son had downloaded it and had some party pix on there he was hiding. My H was real quiet afterwards...then tried saying "you know, I'm not going to pretend that didn't piss me off a bit..." I cut him off with "one year ago today to the hour, you were telling me you wanted a divorce." he StFU and I got lots of cuddles all night.
> 
> Today I'm exhausted. The panic and dread and adrenalin sure takes a toll on the body.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well glad H was up to anything. His response is similar to my H would have reacted. I don't feel like it's remorseful-do you? But the cuddles feel good, but I want more than that??? let me say though again the cuddle feel good


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> well it's good you trying something, obviously there's been neglect from the huge stress ball
> 
> how old is he now? Have you discussed with your husband to let him know what has happened without detail so he can process it better?


He's 17. I've talked to my son a number of times...apologized for things he's seen/heard. I've told him that sometimes people go through tough times and don't make all the right decisions, but that he should know I'm trying very hard and not giving up on things and that I hope he can learn to fight for what he wants and for what is right. I told him that by observing me, he can learn what NOT to do, and also some good things too.

I also should say that his current bad behaviors aren't entirely new since the A, including the pot. They've just all escalated. More than anything, probably because we have been preoccupied and less vigilant on what he's been up to.

He knows something happened with the OW and that there was something inappropriate there. I couldn't say for sure what level of detail he knows or suspects beyond that. I'm not sure what conversations and arguments he may have overheard or if he ever saw anything his dad was doing during the A. I've not felt ready to discuss that any deeper, and I'm not sure I ever will. Of course, if he brought it up, I'd discuss whatever he wanted. But for me or my H to bring it up...I'd rather not. I always ask him is there anything I can do to make things better for him...is there anything he wants to talk about regarding our home and family life, etc. He usually comes up with "I want more freedom" and "I don't want you all going through my stuff or checking my phone". LOL

I know when I was a teen, my mom and step dad divorced. I was so wrapped up in my own teen world, I paid little attention to what was going on with them. That may be the case (hopefully!) with my son. Maybe I haven't scarred my children for life yet!


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> For starters don't fvck with OW



No fun
No fun
(((pout)))


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

StandingInQuicksand said:


> They've just all escalated. More than anything, probably because we have been preoccupied and less vigilant on what he's been up to.


don't discount "escapism"

when my parents went through their "thing" when I was a young adult all I wanted to was get drunk or high all the time


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

StandingInQuicksand said:


> He knows something happened with the OW and that there was something inappropriate there. I couldn't say for sure what level of detail he knows or suspects beyond that. I'm not sure what conversations and arguments he may have overheard or if he ever saw anything his dad was doing during the A. I've not felt ready to discuss that any deeper, and I'm not sure I ever will. Of course, if he brought it up, I'd discuss whatever he wanted. But for me or my H to bring it up...I'd rather not. I always ask him is there anything I can do to make things better for him...is there anything he wants to talk about regarding our home and family life, etc. He usually comes up with "I want more freedom" and "I don't want you all going through my stuff or checking my phone". LOL


well leaving the door open is sometimes the best policy, it sounds as though he has heard enough of the details to understand then. The last part about privacy is something you should have a discussion about, that he is still a child and it is your duty to know what he does and to help guide him and that you will not tolerate him keeping secrets. You can segue how marital partners should not have secrets from each other.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

StandingInQuicksand said:


> No fun
> No fun
> (((pout)))


Call me Mr. Killjoy


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

bouncy happy killjoy


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> Call me Mr. Killjoy


Dear Mr Killjoy...Today is the day, and I'm so far resisting the urge. But it's very hard. I'm having trouble focusing on anything else.

Last night, we had dinner with friends and a comment was made by one of the friends that took me to a bad place. This friend knew the comment was a bad idea both before and especially after he said it. Totally killed what was otherwise a pretty nice evening. Friend apologized profusely but it was too late. My H was ready to fight him, we just went on home.

Once home, my H wanted to know when I'm going to be able to handle this stuff. Said he was tired of going through this. 

He actually has very little to deal with. I have my occassional freak outs but mostly I say nothing...it's nearly all internal. 

Meanwhile I'm dealing with it 24/7. When I'm cuddled up next to him watching a movie, he thinks I'm enjoying the movie. No, I'm thinking about the A and couldn't even say what the movie is about. When we're holding hands and driving somewhere, he thinks we are peaceful and quiet, but I'm scanning for OW's car or remembering spending time with H and OW at some place we are passing. When he's making love to me and thinks we are sharing a tender moment, I'm picturing them together. When he tells me he loves me and he's happy with our marriage, I'm wondering if these are just words...if he said or is saying something like this to her or some other woman. When he tells me to look at his phone or pc and is confident that he's not doing wrong and thus there's nothing to find, I'm thinking how terrified that in addition to pix of her private parts, at some point I'm going to come across pix of his or of them together or god forbid a video. (He SAYS none of these things exist.)

Does anyone else experience extreme dread when going on a snooping tangent? This is why I don't snoop that often other than a cursory glance at texts and FB. The pain in the act of snooping can outweigh any reward I may realize by not finding something new (or by finding something that I needed to find). I'm looking at the VAR I purchased months ago still in its packaging. My H installed an app on all the family iphones that shows where each of us (or at least our phones) are at all times. He didn't specifically say, but I got the feeling that he was trying to be generous with me, trying to show that he's being transparent.

I just read iheartlife's story...and stories like that make me feel complete despair. If LTAs and repeat As can happen to her, and so many others, why am I different? What makes me think that my H couldn't possibly still be having an A, wanting to have an A, or that he will have an A in the future?

He revealed some of his history rewriting last night too. He said that if he didn't want to be here, he wouldn't be. He said he would tell me if he wasn't happy or if there was someone else, like he did. That threw me. He didn't tell me, I found out!! And he lied to my face over and over so that it took months to get the full scope of the A - assuming I even have that yet. He seemed to have a completely different memory. I asked him if he was me, could he trust? Could he move past? He said absolutely not.


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

StandingInQuicksand said:


> Yes, you have described me perfectly. That's exactly where I'm at.
> 
> So now what? How do I get my joy back?
> 
> ...


You're an excellent writer but your story is of course, heart-breaking. Having had many of the same feelings during my own experiences with infidelity in my M, sadly I could relate to far too much.

And I certainly understand the need to fvck with the OW. I had those feelings too but I resisted until she started fvcking with me and then I sent her a couple nicely worded emails. I didn't stoop to her level of teenage insanity but as my H says I have a way with words and given her obvious insecurities, he knows I definitely made her feel like the self-absorbed pond scum that she is...

As for asking for your H asking for a D, then quickly realizing he wanted to R, that was my experience as well. Of course I didn't know about the A until 4 months later but when my H asked for a D, it was only days later that he asked to discuss the things I needed from him in order to be happy in our M (still didn't know about the A at this point but clearly he should have know having an A was not going to make me happy). Anyway, my H explained the sudden turn around as reality hitting him in the face. Once the words D were uttered, and the thought of actually leaving for OW hit him, he said his heart started beating out of his chest and he felt like he was going to have a heart attack. He knew immediately that he had made a huge mistake. I think that's why they say exposure works to end the A in a lot of cases. I've also read that if the WS had strong values and morals before the A and compromised themselves, exposure or reality will hit a whole lot harder.

Anyway, I've kind of rambled on but I wish you well on your recovery. And your H's ex-OW is a piece of work.  How these OW look themselves in the mirror every morning is beyond me.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

wow

a few things-


your husband is not showing true remorse and not doing what we call the "heavy lifting", he is looking to rugsweep (look at the newbie link in my signature)

no wonder you are such a wreck, you are trying to hold the marriage together all by yourself



it can't be done that way, and it's why you are so full of doubt, fear to even verify, demonstrating desperate clingy-ness, etc

let me clue you in on a few things-

it takes 2-5 years to fully heal from infidelity- since you experienced so much trickle truth I would say you are likely going to be on the longer side of that range

it takes a truly remorseful WS for you to heal. 
"_Once home, my H wanted to know when I'm going to be able to handle this stuff. Said he was tired of going through this._"
does that sound like remorse?! That sounds like rugsweeping to me. No concern over the complete and utter destruction he has done to you, only sentiment to "get over it!" and "quit being such a baby!"

what I would do if I were you-

tell him you are on the verge of getting an attorney
tell him that he created this mess and he needs to start doing what you need to heal and that he needs to do this for the long haul. Go to the third post of the newbie thread and print out the wayward instructions on helping a BS heal (quote by chapparal). Read those instructions together. Then inform him that if he isn't capable of doing that for years to come then you both should stop wasting precious time and file for divorce.

then I also suggest you look up the 180 instructions and implement them until he starts demonstrating remorse. It's time to start doing things for you and not "things for the marriage", a marriage is 2 people and he isn't even close to doing his part to making it work.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> wow
> 
> a few things-
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Standing,



> I asked him if he was me, could he trust? Could he move past? He said absolutely not.


I think this is the 1st honest you have had from your husband without any trickle truth.

I also feel that you were lied to for so long and so hard that you do not know where the lies end and the truth begins. 

*If he is not going to do the heavy lifting to fix the relationship/repair the broken bond and give you the time to heal then what is he really doing for you!!!*

Just my .02 cents.

HM64


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

StandingInQuicksand said:


> Once home, my H wanted to know when I'm going to be able to handle this stuff. Said he was tired of going through this.


He's tired of going through it? Wow. Yes, he definitely needs a wake-up call. 2-5 years for R as has already been mentioned. Infidelity recovery is not for the faint of heart and he needs to pull his weight.




StandingInQuicksand said:


> Meanwhile I'm dealing with it 24/7. When I'm cuddled up next to him watching a movie, he thinks I'm enjoying the movie. No, I'm thinking about the A and couldn't even say what the movie is about. When we're holding hands and driving somewhere, he thinks we are peaceful and quiet, but I'm scanning for OW's car or remembering spending time with H and OW at some place we are passing. When he's making love to me and thinks we are sharing a tender moment, I'm picturing them together. When he tells me he loves me and he's happy with our marriage, I'm wondering if these are just words...


I go through all of this too. I can't stop thinking about the A. If I go 10 minutes without thinking about it, I feel like it's a victory.  So yes, been there, done that too.


StandingInQuicksand said:


> Does anyone else experience extreme dread when going on a snooping tangent? This is why I don't snoop that often other than a cursory glance at texts and FB. The pain in the act of snooping can outweigh any reward I may realize by not finding something new (or by finding something that I needed to find). I'm looking at the VAR I purchased months ago still in its packaging. My H installed an app on all the family iphones that shows where each of us (or at least our phones) are at all times. He didn't specifically say, but I got the feeling that he was trying to be generous with me, trying to show that he's being transparent.


I feel dread for what I won't find. My biggest fear is that there is something to find and I'll miss it. 


StandingInQuicksand said:


> I just read iheartlife's story...and stories like that make me feel complete despair. If LTAs and repeat As can happen to her, and so many others, why am I different? What makes me think that my H couldn't possibly still be having an A, wanting to have an A, or that he will have an A in the future?


If you deal with the issues that led to the A and have complete transparency, then you will feel safer.


StandingInQuicksand said:


> He revealed some of his history rewriting last night too. He said that if he didn't want to be here, he wouldn't be. He said he would tell me if he wasn't happy or if there was someone else, like he did. That threw me. He didn't tell me, I found out!! And he lied to my face over and over so that it took months to get the full scope of the A - assuming I even have that yet. He seemed to have a completely different memory. I asked him if he was me, could he trust? Could he move past? He said absolutely not.


My H has said all of the above and I thought the same thing. "Yeah, I'm sure you would tell me, Skipper!" 

He also said if it was him, he couldn't move past it. I thought about that for awhile and got angry. I told him that wasn't fair and if he cared that little about our M but expected me to get over his infidelity yet he wouldn't even try to get over mine then we might as well go straight to D. Suddenly, he changed his mind and said it was a stupid thing to say because he loves me and he's never been in that position so what does he know. Then got upset and asked if I was going to have a revenge A and said if I was, just go ahead and get it over with so we can be even and I can take leaving off the table. Seriously? Anyway, I'd confront him on that statement if I was in your position. It shows a lack of commitment and a lack of empathy in my opinion.


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

I have read the newbie thread, shared those instructions with him, and read the 180 stuff. A lot of those things I did initially, just going on instincts. 

I agree, I need to focus back on me. Thanks for the shake up. I was doing this initially, but have just been so down and kind of forgot that. Focusing too much on him. Things I've put off or didn't do to save money for the kids' needs - I've now done or am in the process of doing and I need to get back to those things.

Being very frank. I won't threaten D because at this current point, I don't want it and know that I won't do it should he push me to need to follow through. I have the papers printed and filled out, have had those for several months. I've told him that I did that and looked for rental property and talked to an atty, thought about how we would divide assets, time with the kids etc. So he knows that I was close to that at one point. As unhappy as I am, I just don't want D. And to threaten it, he might just take me up on it to call my bluff. I can't risk that. 

If I decide to D some day, he will come home and find me gone with just the D papers left there. He will preferably be completely shocked and have not seen it coming. I will have everything fully planned out and lined up and I'm nowhere near a position to do any of that right now. Plus I love him and want to be with him. I just want to erase all the fear and pain and I know that's not possible.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well when I mentioned D I wasn't saying to use it as an empty threat


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Standing,
> 
> ...


He has said this from the get go, that he would not stay with me if I'd done what he's done. More than anything, I think he was fearful of a revenge A...and he was right to be afraid of that. I closely considered that option.

I hear you on the "heavy lifting" and I've read much of the advice on here. But I think it doesn't apply the same to every scenario/person. When you have a beta type person, or maybe the person who tends to give more in the marriage than the other, yes - that person could do this wonderful job of helping the BS. But when you have a person who is complete alpha, macho man, doesn't talk about feelings, not touchy feely, etc - I just don't think a cave man (slight exaggeration) can be expected to be able to meet the same level of "heavy lifting" as the beta. At least not right away.

I see significant changes in my H and increasing with time. He lapses back to Ahole status like he did last night from time to time. But in the past, he would have said that and then left the house or refused to talk further. But last night, he attempted to walk away and I asked him to come back and talk to me that we could talk without it being a fight...and he listened, and he calmed down, and he talked more reasonably and listened more generously to what I had to say. Things like that and the huge strides he's made in showing affection and trying to be more transparent...show me he is doing a level of heavy lifting that is comfortable and possible for him. He used to do a lot of things on his own and now he takes me everywhere with him. He invites me and even appears to want me to tag along on every measly errand where he used to value that time alone. All of that and more...and ss I respond positively, I see him continuing to improve.

So I think the type of person has to be considered when evaluating how much they are putting into the marriage. It may not seem like much to you (or even to me sometimes) but in his world it's a whole lot.


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

Just reread my last post. What BS. My H sucks. I made it past DDay anniversary. But the last couple weeks have been bad. I've not been trying much and I see that he is also pulling back some. He got a text from a woman in the charitable org who has always made me uncomfortable. He replied. I asked him not to ever again. A few days later I see several texts back and forth between them. None deleted, nothing worrisome or inappropriate in the content. But still. Really? Today H shows up late to take me on a planned dinner (one where I planned to talk about boundaries) and I smell beer on his breath. I ask him if he'd had beer and he said NO!!!!!! Lying still. For no reason. Blatantly disregarding direct reasonable requests.

Deal breaker. I've been driving around in circles since then. Now I'm parked on the OW's street. Just sitting here wondering how I am in this place.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

SIQS
Start your car and go home.

Get a good nights sleep.

Make this weekend about you.

On Monday decide what you want out of your marriage.

Then act on it.

If he is still full of BS then you know what you need to do.

Iypu are in my prayers.

HM64
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

Thanks for your words HM. They were sorely needed and I listened to them. I did go home and then went into this grief and rage like never before. Screamed and cried myself hoarse, flailed around, just full on hysterics. In the car, in my driveway. H came out towards the tail end, saw my meltdown and left me alone for a bit. I felt like a limp rag afterwards, but I think I got some gunk out that needed to get out. I have felt calmer since. 

I tried a couple times to talk to H about where I am at now. Most of the weekend one or both of us was drinking at least a little. I got the following comments.
You are too dramatic. You need to get past this already.
I'm tired of your crying, it's been a year.
Okay so I had two beers. (so two lies because first it was no beers, then it was 1 beer, then 2) (lol it was probably 3 or more)

I focused in on the lying and omissions. I explained how if I can't trust him on the stupid little things, how can I on the big stuff? I didn't care that much about the beer or quantity - although we had agreed not to drink without each other. I asked him early on to inform me of any contacts, run ins, info, etc from OW or her family. An email came in from OWH mentioning h's behavior and I've know for weeks but he never told me. There were a couple other things related that I knew but he hadn't said. I asked him for ideas or a plan on how he can improve this. He just said I need to start trusting that he only loves me and will never cheat again blah blah. He still says if he's ever unhappy, he'll tell me first. I say "that's great but what I'd really like to hear is 'Im committed to our marriage and even when I'm not perfectly happy, I still will not give up on us...'" 

I then brought up a real source of why I am particularly down right now. The volunteer org is entering its busy season. It will require physical attendance of my H 3 hours per weekday 4 days a week plus Saturday from 7am to 10pm starting last week through late December. In addition he will have countless late night phone calls, emails, and other activities required by this role. In addition to his paying job. I always feel a bit like a widow during this time of year but i had accepted it as what i had to do as his wife and that it wouldnt be forever - which was fine before the A. Last year, the discovery was new and still occurring during this season. I was so desperate and in survival mode, I just stayed at his side throughout the entire 7 months. He loved this and wants it again. It is miserable for me. I'm there, I can see him, but I'm not talking to him or interacting with him. He's busy running around doing all sorts of things, handling issues, shmoozing people. To the extent that I could get involved, I did, but my role was more behind the scenes. Otherwise I was often just sitting there. Ppl who know who I am try to come voice complaints or make suggestions that I can carry to H. Or they talk about H in my earshot not knowing who I am. Both = not fun. Maybe once or twice on a long Saturday, he'll stop by an give me a hug or kiss, even take us away for an hour for lunch. More often I get a demand, as if I'm an employee, or I'm telling him abt some issue that needs his attention. So not quality time at all. Sunday's are spent on NFL football. So as you can see, my Need of Quality Time goes unmet for 1/2 of the year every year for many years. I made my peace with it long ago, but now it's much harder. I cant not be there to make sure other women are not trying to get a foot in the door. I'm miserable while I'm there as I feel like a doormat, a loser, it's boring a lot of the time, I'm alone with my thoughts, and everywhere are reminders of OW and ppl still gossiping about whatever they'd heard.

So I tell him how I feel like I'm looking down a long dark tunnel that won't end til Christmas. No summer vacation, little to no time for fun, no time with him. Hesays he won't give it up, not right now.an that hurts. I wouldn't ask him to, I just want to know that he would so then we could find a compromise. I said well I dont think I can handle things as they are right now. I'm not happy and I don't like my future, and I really hate this b*tchy crazy person that I am right now...so I want a divorce.

I told him I want a divorce. His turn to freak out. One of the first thing he did was change his FB relationship status to It's Complicated which all our friend and family then began inquiring about. I deactivated my FB completely. I took note of his friends who had the nerve to "like" the change.

Since then I've been trying 180. Focusing on myself and the kids the rest of the weekend. I was polite, responded to him, but stayed at a distance. He called this being b*tchy. I helped the kids make him a fathers day breakfast and had already got him a cologne set from them. I didn't give him a personal gift or card...there wasn't one that said "u r a great dad except that you have probably destroyed this family with your selfishness". Both nights he initiated sex. Good stuff too, I couldn't resist. But I didn't kiss or say I love you...it was more just passionate between two bodies...not souls.

He thinks all is fine and I've reconsidered my D decision (he hasn't said so but I know how he thinks). Meanwhile I'm working on the paperwork.

Is it weird that I don't want to stay in my home? It's too big, too expensive, too much stuff I don't care about. he's self employed. I'll be surprised if I don't get royally screwed in a D based on his ability to hide income (im not sure if he would be this crappy to his kids but he is capable of supreme meanness) but I make enough to comfortably support myself and kids.

Anyway, not sure how this is going to turn out. I'm feeling more peaceful.thats good right?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

get a shark lawyer

one that specializes in finances since hubby can hide it, I would definitely check the keylogger to see if he moves money around


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Standing,

I am glad you are at peace. With your husband and kids I can understand the true meaning of peace.

I have become a less whiny husband as of late to give my wife some peace too. She deserves it as do you. As does any parent with needy kids/spouse. 

Well, you asked for D. The shoe is now on the other foot. Isn't it interesting that roughly a year and some months ago it was your H that was asking for the D.

You are a better person than he is. His FB status change is proof of that. Maybe you should tell your family and close friends just why he changed the status. It might make you feel even better but sometimes it has the opposite effect so be careful before making any announcement.

Hold onto that peace for as long as you can and really think about the D. Think of what it might mean to you, your marriage and your family. It is a big step, a life altering step.

As long as you are still getting treated with the constant lying when there is no need to and the lack of remorse you really do not have any other option. 

Sometimes the WS's never wake up and fix their bad behavior even when the love of their life is ready to leave for good.

Just my .02 cents, he should have left the charity this year and put some time and effort not just in the marriage but in you. Especially when the OW was part of that whole nonpofit situation.

And oh yes, he should not even look at football unless it is something you and your kids enjoy as well. If his work time and nonprofit time is so tight then his football time should go out the window to be replaced by some "WE" or "FAMILY" time.

That is the least he could have done.

You cannot have R without effort on both sides of the house. True effort not excuses or the same old feelings are gonna creep back in.

Stop worrying about the house, keeping the house or the house is too big. You are not there yet.

Just worry about you and your family. Truly weigh your choices. If it feels right then it is probably right.

You can vent here anytime. And AR is right. Get a kickass attorney.....

The keyword for any future decisions is patience.

HM64


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## jupiter13 (Jun 8, 2012)

Enjoyed the read. I understand the drinking completely as I am having the same problem. Especially when I gave up drinking because I knew it would interfere with the marriage and then he's out using drugs. How stupid I am? Today I am feeling the resentments surfacing. I goggled it while in the bar to try and understand it. I believe I am entitled to be angre act angre and if he don't like it too bad. So he thinks the party is over when I'm just getting back on my feet and ready to go. It's just not fair. I think I found a VM sounds like her and her husband he says not I will call to make sure. I hate having to live like this checking up on him. Really this is no way to live with someone. Will it always be like this? I can already tell the old me is not here anymore. She died. The new me, isn't as happy somewhat bitter toward things and things that once were important to me are not now. This isn't my home it's just a place I live, the car I once loved is a piece of crap. (He put scratches in it on D-Day_) He posted an apology on craig's list for heaven's sake where a lots of go. He just went public with it so shame me more. That is how I feel about he don't see it that way. I gave him a sheet of paper with some questions how long do I wait for the answers pops starting to get mad again. I enjoyed the read very much it has been so great to find some place where all I have been going through is normal. Yeah Mr. H stick that in your pipe and smoke it. I am normal......


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

HM u r quite brilliant. Yes, I agree on the charity thing. And people that know or suspect think he should have stepped down because of what he did. But he doesn't think things can run without him and he is somewhat right. They would run, but the org would suffer. I would be okay with a compromise. In one of the other threads (about flip flopping between D and R by the minute) someone mentioned that they lean towards D when alone and towards R when their WS is around to center them. This is a big part of why I am feeling this way now I think. Since he is now spending more time away from me with no end in sight, I have loads of time to be focused on the negative.

How do I explain this to him? Anything that comes off as psychobabble, book advice, etc - he scoffs at.

We all love football and often attend games in person.

I'm still thinking D, doing 180 - polite but distant. Except still having sex every day...except I'm taking on a more distant dominant role. Normally when I initiate, I pour every ounce if my love into it and deliver the royal treatment from head to toe. For the last 4 days, I've been treating him like a piece of meat...it's actually a little fun! Wham baam - later dude!

My oldest (17) told me last night that his dad had confided in him some details about the A a few days ago. 

Don't I as the BS own the right to tell or not tell whomever? I did NOT want my kids to know...at least not right now and probably not ever. I haven't confronted H yet, but I'm very pissed. But at the same time, tired of telling him how stupid he is. He's the one who outed himself to most people-all the wrong ppl and ppl I surely didn't want to know. Now it continues.

Not sure I should waste my breath.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

Jupiter - sorry u r here. Hang in there!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well I suggest you get your ducks in a row

see an attorney, know your rights, explain the financial situation and how he could hide things so perhaps the lawyer can do things before he scrambles to move money around (if he hasn't already) once he gets served

and keep tabs on the keylogger to see if does have secret accounts


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Standing,

Your husband is a tool.

Hmmm, let me visualize a scale. Your marriage on one side and the charity work on the other. Easy decision in my mind and one that. Does not need any brilliance on his part.

What I really do not like is him blabbing his mouth to your oldest and others without discussing this with you first. Not cool. You are supposed to be a married couple that work out their issues together as a team. You should only confide in each other unless you both agree that an outside party should be made aware of the situation. And only made aware it it benefits both of you somehow.

You have some decisions to make but only in your good time. Not his. And AR is right. Get your ducks in a row and your personal information/assets squared away no matter what you decide to do.

HM64
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

so what's happening SIQ?


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

Thanks for checking on me. I'm hanging out. Things have gotten worse this week with my teen so my focus has been there. I'm continuing 180 with H, he has been treating me very well but I'm playing it cool. Actually I'm not playing it cool...I'm actually feeling cool. Something seems to have snapped in me when he lied about having had a beer right to my face. This whole week I've felt really different. More my independent self...the person I was before the A. I'm pretty sure he may have lost me. Nothing I'm rushing into and I'm giving myself plenty of time to change my mid and to get my son better settled. He says I should leave (volunteered, I would never ask such a thing). 

I'm really not worried about the money or the stuff. If I leave, I won't want anything with his memory attached. Just the things my kids want. I'll make some demands on vehicles and home equity but that's about it. As mentioned, I'll do just fine on my own income. Probably better without him spending all the time. Getting fair child support plus my income will make us pretty comfortable in a small place.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nxs450 (Apr 17, 2012)

My freaking D day anniversary is 1 week before our wedding anniversary. Needless to say we have not had very good wedding anniversaries yet since the affair. It is still to emotional. It sucks big time and my wife don't know why I can't just focus on our wedding anniversary.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

StandingInQuicksand said:


> Thanks for checking on me. I'm hanging out. Things have gotten worse this week with my teen so my focus has been there. I'm continuing 180 with H, he has been treating me very well but I'm playing it cool. Actually I'm not playing it cool...I'm actually feeling cool. Something seems to have snapped in me when he lied about having had a beer right to my face. This whole week I've felt really different. More my independent self...the person I was before the A. I'm pretty sure he may have lost me. Nothing I'm rushing into and I'm giving myself plenty of time to change my mid and to get my son better settled. He says I should leave (volunteered, I would never ask such a thing).
> 
> I'm really not worried about the money or the stuff. If I leave, I won't want anything with his memory attached. Just the things my kids want. I'll make some demands on vehicles and home equity but that's about it. As mentioned, I'll do just fine on my own income. Probably better without him spending all the time. Getting fair child support plus my income will make us pretty comfortable in a small place.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



indifference can actually be a good sign, just don't let it get in the way of what you are entitled to


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Standing
Take care of your kids. This can be trying time for them to.
Have a great weekend and find a little peace for yourself too.

Hm64
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

Thought I'd check in on my thread and provide an update.

My son is doing better. He's been under "house arrest" so to speak as I couldn't get him into any summer programs. He smashed his phone so he's had no phone and little to no contact with his friends. I changed his FB password and deactivated his account and am monitoring his internet usage so he is pretty much out of touch with all of his peer pressure. He passed a drug test this past weekend and got a few hours of freedom as reward plus something for his car he'd been wanting. We've also been doing family fun stuff - movies, boating, eating out, bbqs, fishing, etc. So all the kids are much better since the last post.

While dealing with him and discussing sending him to a military camp for the summer etc, my younger boys were eavesdropping and suddenly I heard sobbing and wailing from both of them at the prospect of their brother leaving for any amount of time. It was awful. Woke me up in my D thinking as to truly how hard the younger ones will take this. Made me think I'm being selfish in pursuing D.

H continues his ups and downs. Nice and accommodating one minute, selfish and inconsiderate the next. He's taken on almost all of the cooking which in 20 years together is a total first. I'm still feeling disconnected - no saying I love yous, no wedding ring, no initiating affection. But we laugh with the kids, have fun, aren't rude (unless he is first). Life at home is not horrible. Sometimes it's even fairly decent. At times, he's affectionate, considerate, says very nice things, greets me at the door with a kiss and says how much he missed me...stuff like that. Sometimes it's still bad - there has been a night or two where he drank alot. One night he pushed me a bit. Other little things. There was a particular thing he did during the A in the area of personal hygiene that he'd never done before. I told him during discovery never to do it again...I didn't like it and it evoked bad bad thoughts. He did it this week! Couldn't explain why. Another night he drank too much at his family get together and I felt annoyed and embarassed. Wanted to drive straight to the D attorney that day.

We went out on a date night a week ago at his request. Dinner was uncomfortable for me...not sure if it was for him. Alone with him, I couldn't think of a thing to say. He wasn't talkative either. Then he was supposedly taking me to one movie...but bought tickets to another movie I'd said recently I didn't want to see. He wanted to see it and was convinced I'd like it. I thought that was yet another selfish thing...but in 20 years, I've always been the one to go along with the rest of the family, so I guess he's just operating as I've trained him to? In most areas where I don't have strong feelings either way, I'm just not demanding and selfish. I'm happy to go along with the crowd and get my happiness from seeing others happy and enjoying the overall fun of it. I compare myself to other women who drag their H's to some sappy love story. I would never do that. Is this a fault of mine? I always saw it as a benefit...but maybe not.

Anyway, to my dismay, the movie was great and really funny. I didnt want to laugh, but I did throughout. So it was fun I suppose in that way.

I'm still holding with much less thinking about the affair or the OW or any of that. The pain is still much much less and the physical effects are gone too. I'm so glad about all of that. I was worried that all of that would come back, but it's been a month and it has not returned. So that alone is a huge accomplishment. I think I said in another thread...I've accepted the affair. Crap happens, and you have to accept that it happened and its never going to unhappen or make sense and I can't fix it. So it's accepted. Not forgiven nor forgotten. Coming to that realization has brought greater peace and mental stability to me.

I've also accepted that I'm going to be fine on my own if I decide to D. And can even see great possibilities for more happiness with that option.

Here are my nagging concerns:
1. Should I D or should I just choose to be happy with what I have? I know that I have the strength to "force" that, I've done it my whole life. But is that the right thing for me? I've always thought the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know...the grass isn't greener on the other side....etc. Maybe I need to just buckle down and make this work? 
2. If I stay - I'm not sure if I should either accept the unknowns that I still have that I continue to fret about or if I should push mercilessly for answers/proof. Up to and including contacting people or demanding a polygraph.
3. If I stay - I need to learn how to communicate with my H. He won't do counseling, read any books, complete quizes etc. He did read a few things and respond on a few things initially, but that has stopped. I left the His Needs Her Needs quizzes for him and he's never completed them. Says "he'll get to it" but in weeks and weeks has not. And ironically, they are his side of the quiz, so they are to make things better for HIM. He hasn't even shown interest in my side of the coin. He doesn't do well with sit down big talks. I have to slip things in here and there or say something right away. But I'm more of a "sit back and think about it" before I say something so by then, he shuts it out. I don't know how to improve this.
4. I'd be crazy to stick this out. Right? Is there anyone who thinks I really should stay with this man?

I know there are no answers. I wish some of you could just come live my life for me for the next 6 months and then I'll come back and pick up where you left off. Ha! I overthink everything.

Well, the busy season is here, things will be crazy for the next several months. I'll have much alone time, time to observe my H from afar, time not with my H and not knowing what he's up to. I think answers will come during this time. I think there's a good chance my heart will grow colder. As it does when I'm away at work...then if he's nice in the evening, it warms back up a little. But if there are no evenings.......

I still think D will be sooner or later. I don't see the rocking chairs and grey hairs on the porch anymore. Isn't that sad?


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

Gosh that was stupid long. Sorry. I didn't realize it had gotten that lengthy.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

wish I could tell you what you should do SIQ

but that decision is yours

to be honest you've been resistant to the idea of using divorce as a means to demonstrate what you need/want in the relationship

and yes it would be a decent chance that he wouldn't "step up" if you did file

it's a weird limbo you are in, it may be the first time I've seen a limbo for the BS be so "calm". Perhaps you are suppressing or ignoring the reality to an extent, perhaps you have just reached a place that you feel trapped but are willing to accept that lot in life (which I disagree with)

I wish I could guide you, but you need to come to the realization on your own that often being by yourself>being with someone who doesn't make you happy


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

SIQ

The movie says a lot about your husband. It still is all about him.

You need to think what is going to make you happy.

And do not worry about grey hair and rocking chairs on the porch.

Your next man might be much younger that your husband and not have any grey hairs!! I hope you laughed.

You need to define what makes you happy and then decide what you need in the future to be even happier.

Your list might be interesting because it might not include your husband.......

HM64


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

how you doing SiQ?


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