# Exposure an affair? Risk the marriage with a bomb?



## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Thanks for reading my thread! I'd like to have some discussion with you. Please feel free to share your views & insights.

When you discover your spouse's EA, are you going to expose the EA to the whole family, friends, coworkers, whoever you can?

Exposure is a common strategy when handling a cheating spouse.

But

Exposure has risks to destroy the marriage as well.

Because

Not all the cheating spouses can stand for the bomb of exposure, only some can survive from it because there are too many issues & people involved, so the whole thing became too overwhelming to handle.

Throw a bomb & wish your spouse fall back in love with you....?

How big is the chance to reach your target?

Please give me some inputs!


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## Anne1 (Nov 19, 2010)

No, it's between the two of you. Work it out between you if you want the marriage to carry on, if not, then why worry?


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

I agree. I have read many post and how your to follow the 180 or what ever it's called and it appears exposure is one of the tactics. Yet, I feel that's some what childish maybe? I mean, what are you truly accomplishing...so okay, you are telling family and friends so they will look badly upon the spouse, making the spouse feel worse, ashamed, or what ever. 

To me, it seems like a vindictive strategy. Like a "I'm gonna make sure everyone sees I'm better than you or I am not wrong". When reality is, you are still wrong somewhere down the line. As we all know, it takes 2 tango. The loyal spouse has had some blame in what lead up to this. Not saying that justifies the affair by any means.

I don't know. Maybe if happend to me I'd feel different. But on surface, I wouldn't shame my spouse. I'd deal with him on my own...or not deal with him at all and let him live with consequences later in life that will affect him.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I didn't tell my wife's family. I told a few members of my family that I turned to for advice and she told a few of her family that she turned to for advice.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

DanF said:


> I didn't tell my wife's family. I told a few members of my family that I turned to for advice and she told a few of her family that she turned to for advice.


That's a peaceful and positive bomb! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

emotionalwreck said:


> I agree. I have read many post and how your to follow the 180 or what ever it's called and it appears exposure is one of the tactics. Yet, I feel that's some what childish maybe? I mean, what are you truly accomplishing...so okay, you are telling family and friends so they will look badly upon the spouse, making the spouse feel worse, ashamed, or what ever.
> 
> To me, it seems like a vindictive strategy. Like a "I'm gonna make sure everyone sees I'm better than you or I am not wrong". When reality is, you are still wrong somewhere down the line. As we all know, it takes 2 tango. The loyal spouse has had some blame in what lead up to this. Not saying that justifies the affair by any means.
> 
> I don't know. Maybe if happend to me I'd feel different. But on surface, I wouldn't shame my spouse. I'd deal with him on my own...or not deal with him at all and let him live with consequences later in life that will affect him.


You have many good points and insights.
To bomb the cheating spouse to make him or she ugly but won't make us look too good...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

I don't really think it is putting the DS to shame. I believe it is showing them that there are consequences. Most of us, when we were kids, when we did something wrong, some kind of punishment was dished out in order to teach us a lesson. If nothing was done, then the behavior would continue indefinitely until someone decided to nip it in the bud. Without consequences, the DS seems to get the impression that they can all the wrong they want when ever they feel like it. If they get mad, let them be. I don't think a person who exposes should be upset because they are not the one who caused any embarrassment. The disloyal spouse did that to themselves.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

I would not. I am a very private person so we would work it out between us. I would turn to a few family members for advice/support. 
If my H exposed the EA to all I would feel betrayed, and not sure if I could trust him. It certainly wouldn't make me go back to him, if anything I would feel justified in my EA.


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

4sure said:


> I would not. I am a very private person so we would work it out between us. I would turn to a few family members for advice/support.
> If my H exposed the EA to all I would feel betrayed, and not sure if I could trust him. It certainly wouldn't make me go back to him, if anything I would feel justified in my EA.


:iagree: Maybe statistically it's a different outcome, no clue. If the loyal spouse finds comfort in 'spreading the news' to shame that person in hopes the embarrassement will be enough to make her/him come back...what does that say about the communication thing. Yes, understand telling close family or few friends your are very close to that know about your business to begin with. But, even then, it really is no ones business but you and your spouse. 

Thinks this is one of those you don't know till you've been there situations.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

If the WS wanted to work it out and was remorseful and committed to saving the M, then I wouldn't expose. But if they strayed again, I'm gonna squeal like a pig!


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

F-102 said:


> If the WS wanted to work it out and was remorseful and committed to saving the M, then I wouldn't expose. But if they strayed again, I'm gonna squeal like a pig!


Is that to make you feel better or to make her heart come back to you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

What do you do if the WS shows zero remorse, you get no appology, you basically find out that they premeditated everything and then they even go and file for divorce once you disclosed to close family?


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

notreadytoquit said:


> What do you do if the WS shows zero remorse, you get no appology, you basically find out that they premeditated everything and then they even go and file for divorce once you disclosed to close family?


Thank you! This is a very good question, and I hope more comment and insights come in...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

In response, ML, the way I see it, I gave the WS another chance, and they blew it. And I would tell her family and friends so that they won't wonder WHY I'm not with her at gatherings or functions all of a sudden.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Exposure is NOT a punishment. It is a way to shed light on the CHEATING so that it no longer seems exciting, sexy, intriguing. Once you know your mom knows you're cheating on your husband, suddenly the OM seems a little embarrassing, not the hot stud you were makng him out to be in your head, and your OWN actions feel, well, pretty embarrassing, too. After all, if there's nothing wrong with what you're doing, you'd want your whole family to share in your joy at finding Mr Right, right?

Exposure is what a loving spouse does when he/she wants to bring his spouse back from the brink of self-destruction. It is not done vindictively, it is done to get the cheater's important people in on the truth so they can tell the cheater that they don't agree and will NOT support the OM/OW. THAT is what throws a pot of cold water on the affair.

You typically only expose to people who love the cheater - the people who will forgive them for making a mistake and let them back into the family if they quit cheating.

And if the ex-cheater, at that point, refuses to go back into the family, it's because THEY cannot handle their own guilt and shame, not because the other people are doing anything, usually. And that is when the ex-cheater's important people should rally around the ex-cheater to show them that humility and remorse are good things.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

For me, exposing is about setting the record straight. Not about making anyone feel guilty or making the BS look "better". Its about the truth and painting the right picture. What I think some fail to realize is that the DS is the one in a fog, throwing their spouse under the bus and blaming all of life's problems on them. So yep, you sure bet that my H's closest friends were included in the people we told about his affair. I did let him tell them so they would know it was true. The things he said about me were horrid, and I wanted the record set straight. The one thing that is unique in our relationship is that we don't have mid-level friends. We have friends we would take a bullet for and acquaintances. All those who were informed, supported my decision from the get go.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That brings up a good point. One thing that nearly all cheaters do is go around and tell everyone that YOU are the bad guy, YOU were so mean or cold or cruel that she just couldn't help themselves; she tried to stay loyal to you despite how bad you were, but then Fred came along, and he just understood her, got her, was decent, honorable, everything YOU weren't.

It's called spinning. They spin THEIR justification, their rewriting of history, so that people won't think bad of them.

One of the most important reasons to expose.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Actually, MsLonely, you make some fairly big assumptions there. I myself am someone who agrees with exposure, but like many who disagree with it because you'd like to keep your infidelity secret, you paint an inaccurate picture here. For example, when you say: 


> When you discover your spouse's EA, are you going to expose the EA to the whole family, friends, coworkers, whoever you can?


I do support exposure, but only in a very certain set of circumstances. First, it is your marriage, so before you tell anyone else anything about what's going on, you go TO THE CHEATING SPOUSE, tell them you know, tell them it is not acceptable, and ask them to stop voluntarily.  This gives them the maximum opportunity for keeping it between the spouses and behaving honorably.

However, what often happens is that when the unfaithful spouse is asked to stop cheating and either work on the marriage or end it rightly and then move on...instead they get stubborn and refuse to end their affair. If the marriage is miserable or there is abuse--I have no issues with speaking to your spouse directly, ending the marriage cleanly, and once it's final--date. I DO have a problem with dating while married, and then blameshifting "because he/she neglected me" etc. 

So if they refuse to end their affair--having been given the chance to do so privately and quietly with maximum honor still in tact....THEN you would go to ONE other person who is likely to have some impact on them, like a parent or a pastor or a mentor. Someone they respect and might listen to. Remember, at this point even if the loyal spouse is a complete jerk, what they are asking for is to end the affair, end the marriage if you're determined to do so. Please note, I suggest telling ONE PERSON so that again the disloyal spouse has maximum opportunity to not be embarrassed or have their reputation damaged. And remember, it is their choice to cheat that damages their reputation...not the loyal spouse's choice to tell the truth to someone. 

Finally, if the one mentor or parent talks to them and the cheating person still refuses to do the decent thing and end the adultery...*THEN AND ONLY THEN* do you expose to *some *people, and it's not to "_...the whole family, friends, coworkers, whoever you can..._" If you did that--just told everyone--*that would be gossip and that would be malicious! * Nope, exposure is certain select people only--people who are likely to be impacted or are likely to be involved. For example, if there is a divorce due to the adultery, the parents will be impacted and involved--they will lose half their time with their grandchildren. In addition, they will need to lend support to the loyal spouse and hopefully guidance to the disloyal one! AND it would be naive to assume that the cheating spouse is not bad-talking about their loyal spouse to their family, friends or co-workers, try to lay the groundworks for why they are justified in having an affair! 

So it is only to family members who would be impacted (which is usually parents and maybe nearby or close siblings), friends who are very close or who were the "life-long friend" type, and at work I usually recommend both bosses. I make this suggestion because the cheating spouse's boss NEEDS to know that company time and resources are being used for things other than company productivity--and because the loyal spouse's boss NEEDS to know why they are unable to concentrate, performance is lower, and they need days off to go to court. 

Sometimes co-workers are told but that's in the case where co-workers are already involved, such as the case where one cheating spouse was having an affair with a customer and used her co-workers to cover it up, then told her boss a sob story about how her husband had yelled at her for hours but didn't mention that it was the night he discovered her affair! She said "I didn't think that was his business"...and yet talking badly about her spouse "was" the boss' business, and using co-workers to cover up an affair that was clearly against company policy was okay. 



> Not all the cheating spouses can stand for the bomb of exposure, only some can survive from it because there are too many issues & people involved, so the whole thing became too overwhelming to handle.
> 
> Throw a bomb & wish your spouse fall back in love with you....?


It seems to me quite natural that the cheating spouse would be mad about this, but here's the reason why I suggest it. While there is an active, ongoing affair, there is NO WAY the marriage even has a chance of survival. Furthermore, most marriage vows involve something along the line of "...forsaking all others" so that the issue really is not that the loyal spouse told the truth. The issue is that the cheating spouse chose to CHEAT! If they can't stand the bomb of exposure, cheating spouses do have the option to STOP CHEATING. 

Whether that will lead to falling back in love is another story. To me, I usually think of it like an amputation. If a person has gangrene and it's killing them, they may not want to spend the rest of their life with no arm or no leg, but the alternative is to die. An affair is gangrene to the marriage. If you do the drastic step of cutting off the gangrene (the affair), it may be that since the patient lives they'll decide to learn to forgive and choose to work on rebuilding their marriage. Or it could be that the patient lives but they spend their whole life hard-heartedly angry for losing their limb! The point though is that they are alive to decide that. So I do support exposure and I do not support telling "_...the whole family, friends, coworkers, whoever you can.._."


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## Odee (Jan 21, 2011)

Secrecy is what gets people into these problems and secrecy is unlikley to help you get out of it. 

Like other things, you've got to measure your motivation and proceed with an honest eye to the ends. Are you exposing a problem or are you attempting to devalue the other person? 

Admitting when we hurt or need help is a good idea. The support of family and firends is an important part of recovery from the trauma of discovering a spouse's infidelity. Having the humility to admit and ask for help is extremely important to your own recovery. 

Cheating involves alot of deception and lies. Our tendecy toward _"keeping up appearances"_ is also something cheating spouses eagerly exploit to our further detriment.

But, exposure needs to occur where it can provide a supportive and nurturing return - as opposed to simply widening the conflict or extracting vindication. 

Exposure is something you can do with people who are friends of your marriage - and is best _not_ done with people who would simply prefer to be allied combatants. What you choose to expose is also a clue to your motivation and wether you are seeking relationship support or rallying troops for a retaliatory strike.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Tell one person are they going to keep it secret? Can’t be guaranteed can it. How many will they tell, 3, 5, 10?

Tell 5 people how many will know after a week? Fifteen, 20, 45?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

AFEH said:


> Tell one person are they going to keep it secret? Can’t be guaranteed can it. How many will they tell, 3, 5, 10?
> 
> Tell 5 people how many will know after a week? Fifteen, 20, 45?


True, but how many people does a DS go blabbing to telling lies about the LS? Do they keep it a secret either? Probably not. In my case it ended up with two of his closest friends and two of mine. Did they tell someone else? I dunno. How many people did he talk sh** about me to?? A LOT. Doesn't seem like anything is unfair there.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

DawnD said:


> True, but how many people does a DS go blabbing to telling lies about the LS? Do they keep it a secret either? Probably not. In my case it ended up with two of his closest friends and two of mine. Did they tell someone else? I dunno. How many people did he talk sh** about me to?? A LOT. Doesn't seem like anything is unfair there.


If the marriage is lost, it’s lost? Surely we can only do what we feel is best under the given circumstances. I like honour and integrity and I don’t like being malicious and vindictive which I believe is what exposure is all about. Just because others don’t behave how I do doesn’t mean they’re going to change the way I behave. Although sometimes that does take a lot of resolve. But why should I become like somebody else and adopt their bad behaviour?


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## Tru2mself (Sep 3, 2010)

When I found out my husband was cheating , I didnt tell a soul . even he didnt know I knew . I felt numb. I believed that if I didnt tell anybody , that somehow it would just all go away . 
Someone wise said :"Facing it ,only facing it ,thats the way to get through!" That I believe .


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Thank you all for your very precious comments, inputs and insights. I'm just thinking that what if I discover my husband's EA, and he still keeps contacting the OW. I should expose his cheating to help me resolve the infidelity issue. Ok, my husband respects his parents a lot, surely there will be great impact on him, if I tell my husband, "Listen, if you don't stop, I'm gonna tell your parents!" I'm very sure that he'll be terrified by my threatening. 
Let's say, if I really go and expose it to his parents, I'm also sure, they (parents) will tell his brother, then his sister-in -law, and after a week, all the relatives living nearby them, such as, uncles, aunties and cousins would know he's cheating and the whole situation will become too complicated when too many ppl are getting involved.
Therefore, I'm wondering if exposure is the only good strategy when I need to win my husband's heart and love back from the OW? 
I feel throw this bomb on him will make him go hiding somewhere and he would hate me for the rest of his life.
Maybe he will leave the OW, but he's not coming back to me after I destroy his reputation in his family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sailorgirl (Jun 9, 2010)

For me if I was to have an affair, and my husband was to expose it to everyone, then that would be the final straw. I would walk out and never look back. Of course I'm ready to walk out now and never look back even without having an affair. All that is holding me back is the money. And that won't be forever.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

AFEH said:


> If the marriage is lost, it’s lost? Surely we can only do what we feel is best under the given circumstances. I like honour and integrity and I don’t like being malicious and vindictive which I believe is what exposure is all about. Just because others don’t behave how I do doesn’t mean they’re going to change the way I behave. Although sometimes that does take a lot of resolve. But why should I become like somebody else and adopt their bad behaviour?


Of course! I don't expect anyone to magically jump to what I believe LOL. I do appreciate you actually giving some insight as to WHY you don't agree with it. When I look around I just see those who disagree, not really there perception of why it isn't helpful. Always nice to see the different opinions on this stuff!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Heres my take

If my wife continued her affair after I confronted her I would expose it b/c I would want to make it as dificult as possible to continue, I would want the truth out before she puts her disloyal spin on it, I would look for support from others that I exposed to, I would want them to know were she can be contacted.

One of many consequences for her continued behavior would be exposure.

Granted I was lucky, my wife stopped so I didn't have to tell the world that my wife screwed around on me b/c I was a emotional retard.

The point is getting your spouse to stop seeing the other person and if they dont then all the bombs you throw wont matter until they see the reality of there actions. 

Why would any one sit by and do nothing while there spouse is scewing around?


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Exposure from the WS side is purely negative and if they are still in what has been called the fog or on the fence about trying to R, this could be the last straw. If the WS refuses to stop the affair and NC after a period of time when the LS is about to throw in towel and give up and D, as a last ditch effort - why not. At that point there is much less to lose and more to gain by making the affair the cheap, dirty, destructive thing that it is - whether EA or PA doesn't matter - both destroy the LS. As purely a means of revenge, no. One major exception, notification of the OM or OW significant other is a must. As needed for support from family and friends also a must for LS.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

the guy said:


> Heres my take
> 
> If my wife continued her affair after I confronted her I would expose it b/c I would want to make it as dificult as possible to continue, I would want the truth out before she puts her disloyal spin on it, I would look for support from others that I exposed to, I would want them to know were she can be contacted.
> 
> ...


I don't think anyone suggested sitting around doing nothing.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ya bad choice of words

The point is there are weapons in fighting for the marriage and if you don't use them why fight?


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## sailorgirl (Jun 9, 2010)

Just out of curiosity what is with all these LS DS WS NC? 

I always thought DS meant Dear Son or Darling Son....


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Loyal spouse, disloyal spoue, wayward spouse, no contact


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

the guy said:


> Ya bad choice of words
> 
> The point is there are weapons in fighting for the marriage and if you don't use them why fight?


Some weapons backfire or explode in the hands. I think exposure is one of those "weapons". Like pulling the pin on a grenade and holding onto the thing. Revenge is like that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> Thank you all for your very precious comments, inputs and insights. I'm just thinking that what if I discover my husband's EA, and he still keeps contacting the OW. I should expose his cheating to help me resolve the infidelity issue. Ok, my husband respects his parents a lot, surely there will be great impact on him, if I tell my husband, "Listen, if you don't stop, I'm gonna tell your parents!" I'm very sure that he'll be terrified by my threatening.
> Let's say, if I really go and expose it to his parents, I'm also sure, they (parents) will tell his brother, then his sister-in -law, and after a week, all the relatives living nearby them, such as, uncles, aunties and cousins would know he's cheating and the whole situation will become too complicated when too many ppl are getting involved.
> Therefore, I'm wondering if exposure is the only good strategy when I need to win my husband's heart and love back from the OW?
> I feel throw this bomb on him will make him go hiding somewhere and he would hate me for the rest of his life.
> ...


 This isn't about 'winning his heart.'

It's about standing up for yourself and DEMANDING respect after he has CHEATED on you.

If his parents tell others, SO WHAT? 

That is HIS consequence of HIS actions.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

turnera said:


> This isn't about 'winning his heart.'
> 
> It's about standing up for yourself and DEMANDING respect after he has CHEATED on you.
> 
> ...


It sounds like a revenge to me...

How much respect would I ever earn from him by bombarding him hard?


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Odee said:


> Secrecy is what gets people into these problems and secrecy is unlikley to help you get out of it.
> 
> Like other things, you've got to measure your motivation and proceed with an honest eye to the ends. Are you exposing a problem or are you attempting to devalue the other person? Admitting when we hurt or need help is a good idea. The support of family and firends is an important part of recovery from the trauma of discovering a spouse's infidelity. Having the humility to admit and ask for help is extremely important to your own recovery.
> 
> ...


You've point out a good question with a very insight as well.

Exposure should be done properly with a healthy attitude & motiviation to do it.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

AFEH said:


> Tell one person are they going to keep it secret? Can’t be guaranteed can it. How many will they tell, 3, 5, 10?
> 
> Tell 5 people how many will know after a week? Fifteen, 20, 45?


You're totally right.

When a loyal spouse exposes the affair of the disloyal spouse, the LS wouldn't need ppl to keep it as a secret...

In the contrary, it's better more & more people know the secret & give negative comments to the DS, hense, by doing this, the DS must face the consequences of her/his cheating actions.

Getting more & more ppl to talk & involved in the affair is one of the main purpose when exposing the affair.

What I'm wondering to know is, how much benefit can the LS get by using such weapon on the DS?

It's like making random attempts in the dark & hope the stupid bird gets the shot, crawling back & begging for forgiveness.


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## sailorgirl (Jun 9, 2010)

Maybe I'm old fashion, but I was always taught that you did not go around telling people you know about your marriage problems. Did not matter what it was, if you told anyone it would be a really good friend or a pastor. 

If I found out my husband cheated on me, I would be mortified to tell my parents or his. I would no more go around telling everyone, friends, family, co-workers than I would go around telling everyone I'm in a sexless marriage. The only reason I can even mention it here is because of this being rather anonymous. If I suspected that I knew anyone here in real life I would never mention any of my problems. 

I've had co-workers discuss their martial problems at work and I have to say that I find very unprofessional. I have also had acquaintances who have told me about their problems in marriage, including affairs, and all I can think about is "why are you telling me this?" I don't know. I can never give good advice in situations like that. It's just TMI.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

sailorgirl said:


> Maybe I'm old fashion, but I was always taught that you did not go around telling people you know about your marriage problems. Did not matter what it was, if you told anyone it would be a really good friend or a pastor.
> 
> If I found out my husband cheated on me, I would be mortified to tell my parents or his. I would no more go around telling everyone, friends, family, co-workers than I would go around telling everyone I'm in a sexless marriage. The only reason I can even mention it here is because of this being rather anonymous. If I suspected that I knew anyone here in real life I would never mention any of my problems.
> 
> I've had co-workers discuss their martial problems at work and I have to say that I find very unprofessional. I have also had acquaintances who have told me about their problems in marriage, including affairs, and all I can think about is "why are you telling me this?" I don't know. I can never give good advice in situations like that. It's just TMI.


Is it old fashion?
In my culture, we also consider any ugly problem between the couple should be worked out by the couple themselves with the door closed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

Guess if old fashioned, I too am. Not to take away from your post, but with respect to the 'telling others' and even not due to an EA or PA, my H was upset in finding me here venting and speaking out my feelings.

He said I portray him as evil. I tried explaining I don't view him as evil, but they are my feelings and that only way I know how to get them out is to use the words that I feel to get it out there. He may not like my choice of words but I cannot help that. He though, goes to his close friends and tells 'his' side of his feelings. So, how is that different? I don't know what words he chooses. Maybe I'm the 'evil' one to them. I'm hear venting to people who know me, us, from adam. He is venting to people that have known him for many years. Even prior to me. 

He talks with my mom. Who know, I feel I cannot talk to. She was for me coming here to find solice. Now, she said I need to put myself in his shoes, if I found him posting these things about me, how would I feel. I said well, he does 'post' about me. To his friends, verbally. So, I always worry when I do see them, what they think of me. And I shouldn't give a rip. That's part of my underlying issues, always worried about what everyone else thinks of me. I went away for the weekend, he spoke to my mom and she said, she felt very sorry for him now. Yet, she understands my lose of intimacy etc. She now says, I need to think long and hard and find a final decision to stay or go.

Well, I know feel more alone. Again, like exposing the EA/PA, he has 'exposed' me to family and friends with his words. No EA/PA involved just the difference and change in me in the growth of our marriage. Mom said one of the friends, not sure who, told him after he explained all the stuff I posted here, to cut his losses and move on. The this friend has known him for years (longer than I) and he is nothing like I speak of. This friend is not in our household. This friend does not hear the words he and I speak of. This friend does not see the reactions and feelings of our daughter. So...again...EXPOSURE of anykind of a marriatal situation, IMO, to family and friends, can add more distruction, anger, resentment, bitterness. 

I too believe it's between spouses and IF to be exposed to anyone, should be a professional of some kind only. IF the two cannot work it out that way....then decided best route for each to move on. In regard to EA/PA, if the two cannot work out 1st time caught and DS strays again...my opionion, 2nd time is last and you should move on. 

The saying...1st time shame on me....2nd time shame on you. I don't know. Guess I'm just being bitter and angry right now.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

emotionalwreck said:


> Guess if old fashioned, I too am. Not to take away from your post, but with respect to the 'telling others' and even not due to an EA or PA, my H was upset in finding me here venting and speaking out my feelings.
> 
> He said I portray him as evil. I tried explaining I don't view him as evil, but they are my feelings and that only way I know how to get them out is to use the words that I feel to get it out there. He may not like my choice of words but I cannot help that. He though, goes to his close friends and tells 'his' side of his feelings. So, how is that different? I don't know what words he chooses. Maybe I'm the 'evil' one to them. I'm hear venting to people who know me, us, from adam. He is venting to people that have known him for many years. Even prior to me.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

I see lots of valid points in your comment. Although it's not related to EA or PA, when we're bothered by a marriage issue, we certainly need a place to vent, but better vent anonymously in this forum.
We don't want to back stab our spouse in front of our friends, family, or moreover, his family and friends.
To expose the affair or to complain about a marriage problem without the consent of the spouse is pretty much like bad mouthing the & back-stabbing the spouse.
The purpose is to gain support and to gather as many fingers as possible to point at the spouse, telling him/she is wrong.
It's not a very intelligent way to stand for ourselves and ask for respect from the spouse.
In fact, exposing any ugly marriage issue to the public without having the consent from the spouse is disrespectful.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

MsLonely said:


> It's not a very intelligent way to stand for ourselves and ask for respect from the spouse.
> In fact, exposing any ugly marriage issue to the public without having the consent from the spouse is disrespectful.


True, but as I said before, was it respectful for our spouse to go around badmouthing us to everyone and anyone who would listen? No. Is it respectful to cheat on your spouse? I hope not!Is exposure the answer for every affair? Of course not. But I do think there are some cases to where it is necessary. Not all the time ( it wasn't even necessary in my own, but his two best friends knew and mine too so we could have a support system throughout it all since I didn't know until 18 months after it stopped) but I can certainly see how sometimes it would be helpful.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> It sounds like a revenge to me...
> 
> How much respect would I ever earn from him by bombarding him hard?


 Let's break this down:

He cheated on you, right?

YOU should be mad at him for doing that, right?

In fact, you are likely crying, asking what you did wrong, begging him to come back to you, right? At least at first.

So...here you are, he's cheating, you're alone or expected to just 'accept it.' 

What's next?

Do you think it's logical to just be prettier, dress better, offer him more sex, whatever you think will make him quit cheating, and hope he 'chooses' you over OW?

Is that your plan?

I'll tell you what HE is thinking. 'This is great! I've got TWO women fighting for me now! I wonder if I can get a couple more to do it, too.'

He's also thinking this: 'It's really pretty sad that my wife is debasing herself this much. I thought she had more respect for herself than that. I KNOW the OW is desperate; but I thought my wife was better than that. How sad.'

Now, suppose you take our advice and expose to his parents, siblings, best friend. _In a loving and logical way_: "I love him but he's cheating on me with OW. I want my marriage back, but I can't get it back when she's still in the picture. Can you talk to him, ask him to reconsider what he's doing, let him know you'll never welcome his affair partner because it's the wrong thing to do? Will you do that for us?"

They call him, say 'what's up?' and he realizes that, suddenly, his secret little fun is out in the open and he'll now have to choose - leave his marriage, family, and friends just for this OW, or leave the OW and come back home.

Will he be mad? Of course. Just like any crack addict would be when you endanger their connection to their drug. He'll threaten all kinds of things. They all do. It's a script.

And then they calm down and DO the hard thinking they now have to do. So your chance of reconciliation is now a good 50% better than if you just doll yourself up and try to win him back.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> To expose the affair or to complain about a marriage problem without the consent of the spouse is pretty much like bad mouthing the & back-stabbing the spouse.


Like he back-stabbed you?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So, how is _not _exposing working for you?


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

turnera said:


> Let's break this down:
> 
> He cheated on you, right?
> 
> ...


There are some positive ways to expose the affair. With mutual agreement, they talk about the marriage problems to their own families looking for advice and help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Exposing the affair might work for some ppl but there's a risk to end the marriage in a faster way.
Most cheating spouses are in fact dreaming in the fog.
I can choose wake him up by talking to him or use a hammer banging on his head.
If I want to save my marriage, i'd avoid creating more damages and resentments.
Btw, no man wants to propose to a woman, being her husband and planning to cheat on her at the same time. 
Affairs are the result of unhappy marriage, usually the cheating spouse is very painful already.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Some affairs deem exposure other do not..........I will add most do not!!

Imo it's a last resort effort when everything else has failed....and I mean everything. Regardless of what people say I think many do it out of revenge to shine the light in a certain hue.

Every affair is different every situation different.......best of luck to all.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

turnera said:


> So, how is _not _exposing working for you?


As I said in the opening of the thread, there're still many approaches that have a lower risk to resolved the issue.
Infidelity is a big issue in marriage but there are still many issues that are also very important in marriage, for example, kids & family love. 
I will consider twice what's my priority in my life.
If my husband goes astray once for the first time, like the previous comment said, it's shame on me. I will ask myself if I'm not good enough and be a better spouse. If twice, shame on him, there's no needs to even expose the affair but to serve the divorce paper directly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BoardNMom (Jan 10, 2011)

I think it really depends on the outcome you are hoping for. If you want to try and work things out then I don't think immediate exposure is the answer. Regardless of any situation there are always two sides of a story and there are times when the LS is not as innocent as they want to make everyone believe. Yes the DS could tell others how bad their spouse was and make it out to be bad but there are times when it could be true. Maybe the other spouse had ignored their pleas to work on the marriage and feelings of unhappiness for years. Maybe they had been emotionally abusive at times and they did turn to someone else. The fact is no matter what a relationship looks like from the outside it's not always what it appears to be. IMO this is something that is between the husband and wife. Marriage is between the two and not everyone else. I think many times immediate exposure might push the ds further away and right into the arms of the OM or OW. If they feel their spouse has also turned their family and friends against them then who do they turn to? ah ha...the other person. kwim?
If your goal is not to reconcile and work through issues and the marriage is done then I guess it doesn't matter. I guess for me I'd rather keep it more private because I have children and regardless of my relationship with my dh I would not want their relationship with him or me tarnished. I know we both love them and wants what is best for them.


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## sailorgirl (Jun 9, 2010)

turnera said:


> Let's break this down:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


See I have had friends call me and say something similar. I absolutely hate it when people do this to me. I will tell them that I'm sorry but I do not get into problems between two married people. I will not talk to the others spouse. I will listen if you need to vent but I will not, in no way get involved and I will take offense at someone telling me who I should or should not "welcome" whether it's the OW/OM Or Satan himself. Like I said I'm a bit old fashion when it comes to things like this.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you had a child or a sibling ask it of you?


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## sailorgirl (Jun 9, 2010)

turnera said:


> Have you had a child or a sibling ask it of you?


Since my children are not even old enough to drive then no. As for siblings, my sister has confided in me that her husband has cheated on her, but she did not ask me to get involved or to confront her husband. I doubt she ever would, since she is a product of the same old fashion family that I am. She would NEVER, EVER tell our mom. In fact part of confiding in me was not to ever mention to our mom. (Our father has long since been dead so that is a moot point) And she would not expect me to get involved. Nor would I if she asked. I wouldn't know what to do. Like I said, it is the way we were raised. Problem between a husband and wife stay private with the exception of a close friend and/or pastor/therapist. My sister and I have always been very close that is why she told me. Part of that closeness is knowing that her problems with her husband will stay private with me.

Of my other 3 siblings, one is not married, one is getting divorced, though I do not know the reasons why, and the oldest one has been married for nearly 30 years.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would direct you guys to a couple websites, then, so you can see what exposure is all about. You seem to think it's about vengeance or something, and ignore the explanations of why it helps both the betrayed spouse AND the cheater. They are affaircare.com and marriagebuilders.com. The theory is based on decades of counseling with families in the throes of affairs and the success ratios of those who exposed and those who did not. 

I will suggest that the privacy you are so intent upon is one of the reasons that affairs exist and prosper. So I'll ask: would you rather go through a rocky period after exposure where you learn to improve your marriage, or would you rather just walk away and throw the marriage away?


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## sailorgirl (Jun 9, 2010)

turnera said:


> I would direct you guys to a couple websites, then, so you can see what exposure is all about. You seem to think it's about vengeance or something, and ignore the explanations of why it helps both the betrayed spouse AND the cheater. They are affaircare.com and marriagebuilders.com. The theory is based on decades of counseling with families in the throes of affairs and the success ratios of those who exposed and those who did not.
> 
> I will suggest that the privacy you are so intent upon is one of the reasons that affairs exist and prosper. So I'll ask: would you rather go through a rocky period after exposure where you learn to improve your marriage, or would you rather just walk away and throw the marriage away?


Is this directed at me? 

If it is, my sister can handle her own life. She has talked to her pastor at her church and feels she is doing the best she can. I do not know if her husband has continued cheating on her since this was nearly 5 years ago and she only mentioned it a few times. I believe she is at the moment happy in her marriage. 

As for my husband and myself neither one of us is cheating. I am ready to walk away because my husband pretty much refuses to have sex and has decided to no longer pursue counseling. What do you suggest I do, tell him that I will tell his mom, and friends, and co-workers that he doesn't like sex if he doesn't go to counseling? 

You may think I'm throwing my marriage away; but I'm trying to save my sanity by working on leaving.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

turnera said:


> I would direct you guys to a couple websites, then, so you can see what exposure is all about. You seem to think it's about vengeance or something, and ignore the explanations of why it helps both the betrayed spouse AND the cheater. They are affaircare.com and marriagebuilders.com. The theory is based on decades of counseling with families in the throes of affairs and the success ratios of those who exposed and those who did not.
> 
> I will suggest that the privacy you are so intent upon is one of the reasons that affairs exist and prosper. So I'll ask: would you rather go through a rocky period after exposure where you learn to improve your marriage, or would you rather just walk away and throw the marriage away?


What theory?psychological theory? Invented and tested by who?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The theory that Dr Harley came up with after 30 years of seeing patients and thousands of couples dealing with affairs. As can be found in one of his books, Surviving An Affair.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Well my now ex husband basically premeditated his entire affair. He went all the way to create secret bank account, lied to his teeth, tried to rewrite our marriage history, and all the other lovely stuff you hear/read on this site about typical cheaters. Then I went to investigagte(and he knew how good I was with internet and computers), found enough evidence to wall paper my house, confronted him in front of a restaurant. He has seen some of the evidence but not all.

He showed zero remorse, no apology nada
I exposed his affair to his/my family and some close friends. The rest of the friends found out later some of them by pure chance.

He got mad that I disclosed his affair but he never manifested that anger to me. He went and filed for divorce and up to this day he has not mentioned nor he has stood up to his own defense every time I have mentioned some aspect of his affair(which has always been backed up by solid proof).

Do I regret exposing the affair? Absolutely not! I would have looked like a bigger idiot. His family has also showed their true face by treating me and our son with total disregard to everything that has happened(see my thread My life as a Single Mother in the LIfe after Divorce section). My ex MIL still refuses to even look at the evidence. Would they have been more supportive if I kept my mouth shut? Probably not as they usually try to solve problems by shoving them under the rug.

Would I have wanted to save my marriage? Absolutely! But would I have wanted to do that with someone who deliberately went so far to deceive me, hurt me and not even bother to show any remorse? Probably not even though it is still very painful to deal with this loss. I wanted nothing more than to have a normal happy family.

AS for friends, when people found out we are divorced, most if not all asked why. I told them then why but without elaborating too many details. I have not asked any friends to choose between us, I have thanked those who supported me, and I have given them all choice to stay in touch with me and son. How they continue to perceive him, it's really no concern of mine anymore. But all of these friends know that I did not want this divorce and I was willing to address whatever might have been the reasons(this man never showed any signs or said anything about being unhappy until a month before I discovered his affair not to me or anyone else) but only in a way of mutual respect between the spouses and without a thrid party influence(OW). My ex H chose the other way.

So yes I am all for exposing the affair and if he came back to me tomorrow asking for forgivness I really don't know what I would do but if I ever reconcilled with this man it will be at MY Terms and it will be a long road ahead, that is if I have not moved on by then.

To the people on here who are commenting but have not personally experienced the devastation of an affair, I don't mean to be disrespectful, but you guys have no idea what it really feels like. It is a pain like no other, pain you don't even wish your worst enemy to experience.


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## tam8145 (Apr 6, 2011)

I know this thread is 3 months old, but I found it very helpful last night. Today is "expose day" for me on my cheating wife. Today is exactly 4 weeks from D-day and I've run out of other options. I chose to contact 3 of her relatives. 2 very close cousins and the SIL. The 2 cousins knew nothing about it. I calmly told them my wife is having an affair and I need them to talk to her because she won't listen to me. I told them I have proof (screenshots of emails containing sex) and if she denies the affair I can produce them for all to see. In contrast, the SIL call was awkward. My cheating wife has already filled her with lies. When I told the SIL about an affair, she says, "no he's just a friend." The SIL is reluctant to intervene. Again, I said I will provide proof.
As I'm writing this post, I just received an email from my cheating wife says, "Please do not call my family any more. I will tell them if I want them to know."
HA! That's scripted right?
I'm going to wait a day to reply to make sure I come with the best response. Any suggestions?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

DO NOT RESPOND TO YOUR WIFE, tam. 

You expose, you sit back and let her get mad, let her threaten you, and you remain silent. What purpose does it serve to talk to a heroin addict? None.

She's going to say:
I hate you
He's just a freind
You had no right
Now you've done it
I was GOING to choose you, but you've ruined it
I'm taking all our money
I'm going to the lawyer TOMORROW
I'll never be your friend now
Leave my family alone
It's all your fault
I never loved you
You're a lunatic and I'm going to prove it
Everyone is going to hate you
My family thinks you're crazy
My family is just humoring you

Stuff like that...

Why talk to a person who's going to talk to you like that?


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## tam8145 (Apr 6, 2011)

Right. Tonight is 4 weeks out of D-day. I have started to releas her in my heart. The next step is divorce so I can get some relief, peace of mind and begin the healing process. Tonight I hung out with friends and consumed some beers. Had a great time. I can move on. My 14-year marriage is over.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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