# If a spouse crosses your boundary?



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Hi

I am here for advice about getting over my husband's affair. He got very close with a friend-of-a-friend, for a few months, and whilst as far as I know they didn't sleep together or have any physical contact, I am still heartbroken at his betrayal. I have been through every emotion imagineable what feels like many times!

I am trying to arm myself with information on how to deal with the aftermath. One thing I have just been reading about on here is the difference between being controlling and setting boundaries for yourself so I hope some more seasoned posters could advise.

My husband likes to meet up with a couple of family members, for beers, about once a month, in the city, on a Saturday night. Quite often, friends will be out drinking as well and he'll go and meet up with them when family have gone home.

I know some of these friends and there's quite a mix, some married couples, some couples dating, single guys. I go along sometimes, they are all really nice, and a couple are my friends also.

Now, there is a get-together tonight. Whilst I feel fairly comfortable with him meeting these family members, I don't feel happy about him going on after to meet friends. Naturally I don't have much trust in him right now, and I worry what he might get up to, not just in case he wants to contact or see this other woman, but any other woman. Things are still very raw.

I am being mindful to show that I feel this is something that isn't permanent, that he can earn trust back, but at this point I am not ready for this situation.

He however is angry. We spoke about it earlier and initially he was caring, asking if I was OK with him going out. At that point he'd just arranged to meet family so I said yes. Later some friends texted saying they would be out so I thought it best to make it clear that whilst I felt fine about the family meet, I didn't feel comfortable or ready yet to deal with him being out in a drinking situation especially if I wasn't there.

He said was I telling him what to do? I said no, and repeated about not feeling ready for that. He got angry, saying that just as he thought we were making progress (it has only been a week!) I come out with this. Said how could he prove he could be trusted if I didn't give him the opportunity, and finished with a glare before saying he wasn't my son and walking off.

He's gone now to meet his family, and I have no idea if he'll go and meet friends after, this evening, and if he does, then how to handle that? I sent him a message saying he needed to understand I needed time to heal and he can't expect everything back how it was so soon after.

What do I do?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

It is straight forward your husband cheated, if and this is the big IF he is truly remorseful and protecting the marriage he would never place himself in a position where he can cheat again nor would he do this if it hurts you. 

How do you deal with it? Unless your husband is willing to change you must make some hard decisions, this may include you ultimately divorcing him. State your boundaries to him, if you are not together then he does no go, he willing works on the marriage, etc. If he declines or mouths you then you know where you stand. You cannot force him however you can by your actions and words turn the tables on him. I suggest even though the affair may be over you run what is called a 180, search this forum or google it, while running the 180 work on the following, go to marriagebuilders.com under questionnaires is a set of questions on meeting emotional needs, download it and give him a copy to fill in. 

His response is what will tell you what is going to happen going forward, either he is committed to you or you use the 180 and prepare for a life without him.

Do his friends know he cheated and his family if not make a point of at least telling his family he was having an affair and with whome.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Boundaries work like this:

You state what it is and then have to back it up with the consequence. If not, then you aren't even respecting your own boundary.

Stating boundaries and then not having action/consequences = moot point.

Even you don't respect yourself first, no one else will.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

walkingwounded~

I notice that you said you are trying to find that sweet spot between your boundary and being controlling. Using this specific instance as an example, here's the difference: 

*Controlling*: 
"You can not go out with friends after being with your family. I am not ready to trust you yet, so you can't go." (See how you are telling another how to act and what they can and can not do? That is controlling. You are trying to force another person do to what YOU want...your way.)

*Boundary*: 
"You are completely free to decide what you want to do and who you want to do it with; however, to tell you where I'm at, I do not fully trust you at this time--after just one week. I do not want to have a partner in my life who acts in a dishonest, untrustworthy way and who doesn't consider my feelings when he decides what to do. So please go ahead and decide for yourself but know that if you choose to come home after the family it will BUILD my trust and I'll feel relieved and secure..and if you choose to go out with the friends afterward tonight, it will destroy the little bit of trust that's been built, hurt me, and I will not feel reassured about our relationship. How you decide to treat ME is how I will decide to respond to YOU. I want to respond to you with openness, trust and love." (See how you let him decide what he's going to do, but make it clear that acting in a trusting way leads to good stuff--acting in a way that discounts you leads to hurt and damages the marriage? And see how you also make it clear you don't want a partner who doesn't consider you?) 

I realize he is already gone to the family portion of this evening but I would suggest calling him and pretty much saying what I wrote above in your own words. Let him decide how he'll treat you, and you respond accordingly. Make sense?

Also, the important thing here is that no matter WHICH ONE he picks, he needs to experience the consequence of the choice and connect the two. For example, if he rises to the occasion and does decide to come home after the family thing...then be sure he both RECEIVES a good consequence and understands that this good thing came from making a wise choice. Likewise if he makes a selfish choice and stays out to get drunk...then be sure he does experience a consequence for that choice too. You can choose for yourself what that consequence might be, but don't wimp out. This is not a punishment but a natural consequence...like if he's going to spend "family" money on drinking maybe setting aside a set amount in an account only you can access to be sure family obligations are covered before drinking. If he chooses to hurt you, be sure he recognizes that "hurting wife = this bad thing that harms me and harms our marriage." Again, does that make sense?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> walkingwounded~
> 
> I notice that you said you are trying to find that sweet spot between your boundary and being controlling. Using this specific instance as an example, here's the difference:
> 
> ...


Splendid advice
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Affaircare, the last part is just what I was about to ask. My inclination was to simply leave him to it. Accept I cannot control what he does, only what I do.

I made sure not to tell him he couldn't go. I felt that sharing a vulnerability would soften him: I certainly didn't anticipate that he'd get angry this soon after.

I haven't heard from him yet. I feel very hurt that he has not responded to bother to reassure me in any way. But the last thing I want is to call him up whilst he's out, and for things to get heated, and him be in a situation where he feels angry, or misunderstood, and get into a bad place where he contacts the other woman to offload, or seeks out the attention of a woman whilst he's out to soothe his ego. Since I found out, he's been keen to rebuild, so this is the first hurdle I have had to stop and think about as I didn't expect his reaction.

I don't know what to outline as a consequence of him crossing this boundary. I'm stuck with that. Specifically I mean. What exactly do I say, do people have examples or should I use the terms that Affaircare outlined involving destroying trust and being hurt?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Use affaircare's words if he ignores you follow my advice and prepare for your own life, he will never change or respect you if he does not want to. The 180 is a very effective tool and often scares the wayward spouse into coming round as they realise they may lose you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## striveforhonesty (May 7, 2011)

Speaking as someone who is in your husbands position, I would love for my wife to come forward with a set of "guidelines" if you will. This not only would make her comfortable with my actions but also give me an idea what she was comfortable with. I personally find myself guessing right now what is onside or offside, the last thing i want to do is put MYSELF in a situation that makes her uncomfortable.

The first part to recovery of the relations I have found is admitting I made a mistake. If he cannot respect the fact that he made a mistake he will not respect your guidelines.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Unfortunately it is not apparent yet whether my husband would be so welcoming of guidelines.

He still hasn't responded, and I haven't tried to call him. It is getting close to the time when he would usually leave family to go and meet friends, and I have no idea what he is planning to do. I have no idea how to respond if he comes home tonight and I find out he has been out drinking with friends, because I know I'll instantly be wondering, what he has been doing.

Do I play it cool? Do I talk to him? Do I wait to see what he does? What if he's all like, so what, I can do what I want? Or says to deal with it?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

It does not matter what he does this evening , he is most likely to go out with friends because you have not stated your boundaries. Tomorrow ensure you state them , there must be no future misunderstanding . If he does come home straight from family, thank him then restate the boundaries.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Hi

Well he has not long come home. I messaged him a little while ago asking pleasantly what he was up to. He replied 5 mins later that he was on his way home. Earlier than I expected.

He got back, I asked him how his family were. Fine, he made smalltalk about his brother. Added onto the end, that he went to meet the friends afterwards for a quick drink before coming home. I saw his phone and what he said seems to tally up, although it looks like he went to have a drink with these friends then got a cab home right after I messaged him. I wonder if I hadn't that he may have stayed out longer with them, not that it matters now.

I was both pleased he came home, but annoyed that he just had to tag on a drink with the friends knowing how I felt. I haven't said anything to that effect though because he's obviously had a few beers and I don't think it would be fruitful right now. I plan to say something tomorrow. It just made me think of the comment he made earlier that he wasn't my son: like him reacting in a "you can't tell me what to do Mummy!" type way. I should emphasise that I have gone out of my way to not act like that.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Now remember what I said about the part that if he makes a GOOD choice that you be sure that he RECEIVES and realizes a GOOD consequence? 

Okay in this instance it wasn't perfect that he did tack on the friends, but it is ENORMOUS that on his own accord he thought of you and your feelings, and considering that...HE CAME HOME!

I personally suggest that rather than being ticked with him, that you lavish it on how downright TICKLED you are that he chose you over his "friends" and that now you feel all mooshy about him. Play, tease, giggle and let him know he did a GOOD JOB!! 

I'm not saying he is a dog, but in a way think of this like dog training. How do you train a dog? Give him a doggy treat when he obeys the command, and "BAD DOG" when he doesn't listen. This may not be a doggie treat but it sure as shooting is a "rub his tummy"!


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey WW----Its like this---your H., cheated plain and simple---he DOESN'T get to get mad---he doesn't get to anything!!!!!

He needs to be happy as he*l---you didn't see an atty, and put D. on the table, and HE NEEDS TO KNOW IT

At this point in time, this is the way it needs to be---you say jump--he says how high

You have to get very hard about this---otherwise he will just defy, and disrespect you----If he thinks you are soft on this---he will cheat again knowing he can get away with it

Believe me he doesn't want D---so he will not give you any trouble if you just get in his face and back him down---I promise you he will roll over, you just need to be the boss


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