# Feeling guilt over telling the truth?



## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

So I am seperated now, for almost 2 weeks. 

I talked to an attorney, getting my legal "poop in a group" so to speak.

There is a history of unstable behavior where my H is concerned. We've been to counseling about his sex addiction, exposing my kids to pornography, and now his affair.

I haven't told my attorney the WHOLE story yet. Because a part of me still loves this man and I do not want to drag his name through the mud. But, should I feel guilty? I mean he made his own bed he should lay in it right? Should I disclose everything to my lawyer? Should I feel guilty if he only gets supervised visits?

My gut tells me he should only get supervised visits, because I can't trust him with my kids, but why am I so hesitant to set it up this way? why am i not wanting to do whats right for my kids?

I talked to him yesterday on the phone to set up a time for our meeting with our lawyers. He said to me, "I'm afraid a divorce is going to go badly for me, and you are going to drag my name through the mud. And yes, I know I will have to support my children but I don't want to support YOU." 

I wasn't going to go for spousal support, but now I'm tempted! I was even going to let him have his retirement fund and just sign my rights to it away.. but now I'm thinking i should go for EVERYTHING i can get, because hes a selfish pr*ck.

I don't know, I feel guilty now for even thinking that.


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## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

Don't feel guilty at all. GO for what you deserve. 

As far as the kids go, what exactly did he expose them to? If he had a porn site up on a computer and they walked into the room before he could close it out, I hardly see that as being horrible parenting. Not ideal, of course! But there could be much worse things. If, however, he's leaving porn magazines out on purpose for the kids to see......or speaking openly about his affair to them (with details) then I would do my best to revoke all his rights!!!

I am sorry you are going through this. I covered for my husband's (yes, slight, but still there) physical abuse for years. I shouldn't have.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

TemperToo said:


> Don't feel guilty at all. GO for what you deserve.
> 
> As far as the kids go, what exactly did he expose them to? If he had a porn site up on a computer and they walked into the room before he could close it out, I hardly see that as being horrible parenting. Not ideal, of course! But there could be much worse things. If, however, he's leaving porn magazines out on purpose for the kids to see......or speaking openly about his affair to them (with details) then I would do my best to revoke all his rights!!!
> 
> .


As far as how he exposed them, i caught him when my daughter was 2 watching porn with her sitting in his lap.. he left porn all over the house which was often found by my daughter as she got older... he would order things in the mail and when my kids got home from school they would grab the mail on their way in and i would hear my daughter say, "daddy got naughty stuff again"


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Lilyana said:


> So I am seperated now, for almost 2 weeks.
> 
> I talked to an attorney, getting my legal "poop in a group" so to speak.
> 
> ...


Seriously, go for everything. You deserve to walk out of this hell of a marriage with financial stability. You tried your hardest to make this work and he refused.


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## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

Yes, in that case, I would definitely go for everything and tell the lawyer everything. My best friend is one year out of her divorce and now wishing she hadn't tried to be "nice" to him in the divorce. I will probably take her advice when mine inevitably comes....


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

You can always opt out of spousal later but you are unlikely to succeed in getting it later if you give it up now. Put it in the bank for the kids if you feel guilty.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Why would you risk your kids for that twisted individual?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

Lilyana said:


> As far as how he exposed them, i caught him when my daughter was 2 watching porn with her sitting in his lap.. he left porn all over the house which was often found by my daughter as she got older... he would order things in the mail and when my kids got home from school they would grab the mail on their way in and i would hear my daughter say, "daddy got naughty stuff again"


OH dear. You have to tell your lawyer all of this. She/he will walk you through the process. It might seem overkill now but when you look back, you'll be glad you did everything you could during this divorce. Go with your gut. You already said what you think you should do and I think you are spot on. Do NOT cover for him and do NOT agree to less than your share which is half the retirement fund. Not "his" fund, "the" fund.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

This post cry's for the need for a Women Up sticky in the womens section. 

You have an adult male who cared more about his sexual pleasure than he did for you and your innocent children. You allowed him to endager the mental well being of your children, you allowed him to make your life and the life of children he brought into the world a misery and you remained in a relationship with him long enough for him to humiliate you by cheating. Moreover, he tells you to your face that he dispises you even though you bore him kids. I put the onus on you because you gave your power away to a sick man. 

What astounds me is that you place this waste of skin above your own children. It is bad enough that you allow him to spit in your face but to fail to protect you kids in a foolish attempt to show you still care about him is beyond belief. 

Woman the eeeff up. This man cares nothing for you nor your children so stop simpering. You are going to let him walk away with his money, his dignity after he has desimated the lives of 3 people. What is wrong with you? Do you expect him to love you because you are giving him a free pass? 

If you want to sacrifice your self on the altar of this dirt bag then go ahead but please don't give away your children. You spent years with this man being a doormat so he would love you. It did not work not only does he not love you he thinks you are a fool for letting him walk all over you. 

Make the first step in regaining your dignity and selfrepect as a woman and a mother. Tell your lawer every thing get all of the money out of this creep in recompense for the years he disregarded everyone but himself. Be an adult, protect your children and protect yourself. You were not put on this earth to please men it Dow not work as you can see. 

WOMEN UP and stop being an idiot, it will not get you love. Self respect and confidence gets you love. Start learning that now so the next man in your life will be one capable of love. The angrier you make this creep the better you while feel. He thinks you are a doormat, supprise him and rise up like a phoenix and kick him in the balls. 

I hope you take this in the spirit of caring because thats what it is - you are indeed worth everything you can get, you and your kids erned it, know that. This relationship says nothing about your worth but everything about the lack of manhood of your husband. Please don't bow down to a person so below you and your children.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Lily, this is a tough decision to make...how much to tell...

my advice is to list out here all of the reasons why you say you cannot trust him around your kids.

That is a HUGE deal. And if at the end of reading your list you feel you can't trust him around them, maybe supervised visits are the best way to go.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> This post cry's for the need for a Women Up sticky in the womens section.
> 
> You have an adult male who cared more about his sexual pleasure than he did for you and your innocent children. You allowed him to endager the mental well being of your children, you allowed him to make your life and the life of children he brought into the world a misery and you remained in a relationship with him long enough for him to humiliate you by cheating. Moreover, he tells you to your face that he dispises you even though you bore him kids. I put the onus on you because you gave your power away to a sick man.
> 
> ...


He made his choices, your kids didn't - who do you think you should protect? Should it come out you withheld such info to protect him, you run risk of YOU losing kids for failing to protect them. It makes me sad for your kids that you are wondering.  You might be more of a victim than you even realize!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> This post cry's for the need for a Women Up sticky in the womens section.
> 
> You have an adult male who cared more about his sexual pleasure than he did for you and your innocent children. You allowed him to endager the mental well being of your children, you allowed him to make your life and the life of children he brought into the world a misery and you remained in a relationship with him long enough for him to humiliate you by cheating. Moreover, he tells you to your face that he dispises you even though you bore him kids. I put the onus on you because you gave your power away to a sick man.
> 
> ...


Cat you are absolutely right, and this is exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you. I am done with him trying to put me at fault for everything, he made is decisions.. he needs to suffer the consequenses of them. I need to protect my kids.. I am being an idiot. Time to show him I have balls too.. they are just located on my chest and bigger than his!!!


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

Excellent!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

There you go Lily, you have a strong voice and a sense of yourself; it got lost in the realization that you had kids with a man who turned into a cesspool through no fault of your's. I know it is hard to believe that he has turned from the man you loved into this person but the person you fell in love with is dead. Morn his loss but don't treat this man tgat you are dtiching as anything but what he is. A pitiful man who allowed himself to decent into a hell of sexual depravity. A man who is so addicted tgat he exposed his kids to his filth. 

He is right about his name being dragged in the mud but who fault is that. What kind of man would try to make his wife responsible for a sickness he was too waek to control!! . Any consequences he incurs is totally his to handle. He can't hide behind a woman and children anymore. Let his sickness be exposed it will be the best thing for him, that will be an incentive to fix himself.

You are not responsible for his choice to mire himself in filth and try to contaminate his kids with it. You gave it your all to help him and by the statement that he does not want to support you , he spits in your face for his failure as a man. Show him that you sticking by him was worth something to you if not to him. Make him pay for all of the help and chances you gave him, let him know the value. 

Why should you of all people feel guilty for him feeling the consequences of his choices? He can not even muster a bit of care for the well being of his own kids while he indulged in his sickness but he expects you to give him more than he gives. What makes him so worthy. 

I say the above to get you thinking in the right direction now. You have done what any caring woman would do for the man she loves. You want to support him and stick with him and help him. But your devotion needs to be erned and needs to be withdrawn from an unworthy man. Your capacity for sympathy and caring is a valuable asset, don't cast it among the swine. Give it only when it is returned in kind. 

The months ahead will be difficult, you may find your resolve flagging. When you do, read over these post and continue to talk to caring friends and relatives and continue to post if thatvhepls. Remember exposure of him is not your problem, he created it and got away with it for years while his wife and kids suffered. Now let him feel the full brunt of his deeds, he refused to get help or change when he had the chance and now it is too late.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

Just throw this in here you can always have the custody agreement later changed to be more lax but it is a pain to get them more strict. Go as hard as you need from initial outset and then if you later change your mind then you change your mind but get that super strict one.

As for spousal support not sure how old your daughter is now but I know I have some tramatic memories from when I was two so if anything you can throw it all in the bank just in case your daughter ends up remebering any of this.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

STBX came over to visit the kids for a few hours tonight. He took them out for a spin on his motorcycle, then took them across the street to the park today.

He kept texting me while he was at work all day saying that if I was adamant about divorce (which I am) that he would prefer for the kids sake, we make it an agreeable one and I don't bring up everything he has done. 

I shouldn't have took the bait and responded to him.. but... I did. I told him in the better part of 15 years to name one time where he was nice to me or my feelings? When did he bend over backwards to do anything to make sure something wasn't hard on me and the kids. 

I told him that right now, my first priority is my children, and I would do everything I can to protect them.

Tonight, right in front of the kids, he DEMANDED that I schedule time for him to take the kids for a weekend. I told him until a judge told me I had to give him the kids for a weekend, it wasn't going to happen because I do not trust him with the kids. Not sure if I can legally do this... but I DO NOT want him alone with my kids EVER!

Did I handle this right? I am determined for the sake of my kids to not let him off easy.. everyone is going to find out exactly what he has done over the years. Yes, I may be chastised for staying as long as I did as well.. but it's time I step up to the plate and be a better mother, and person, than I have been.

He is just worried about his poor reputation, and I'm sure he is worried he will be considered a sex offender for some of the things he has done. But, maybe it will make his family, and himself open his eyes, and make him get the help he needs. I do not wish anything horrible on him, and I want him to get better. He made his choices, and I tried to help him. I can't do it anymore. Maybe now he will be able to do it.

I'm getting frustrated with my lawyer as well.. I want this divorce started NOW.. but we have been told to wait for our bankruptcy to be taken care of first... i hate waiting anymore.. i just want it done.


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## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

Understand how you feel not sure how chapter 11 works in Australia but in America it is alot easier to handle the bankruptcy part of it first. Though why you can't do both side by side is beyond me. That way you finsih the bankruptcy papers the next day you walk into the court house and sign the divorce papers.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

Yeah I think I am going to take my divorce to another attorney.. this is getting expensive.. We are filing chapter 7 bankruptcy, and I'm in the USA...

I just want to get the ball rolling, and have a judge tell me when he can and how he can see his kids. I'm going to have to schedule lots of therapy appointments if a judge tells me I have to let him take them for weekends alone....need to refill my anti anxiety meds before hand!


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Good for you.

You are in a position of strength. Don't let him convinse you otherwise. You take care of yourself and those kids. You are doing great.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

Been trying to find a different divorce attorney. The lawyer I was going to is doing our bankruptcy and he said it would be a conflict of interest to handle the divorce as well because he is representing both of us in the bankruptcy. UGH!

I try to talk to those that offer free consulting. And they dont want details. I tell them that I am pushing for supervised visitations with my STBX and they tell me that more than likely a judge won't grant it. It has to be something outrageous. And they won't make him take therapy or parenting courses or anything. Because most guys just go through the motions just to do what they have to. Doesn't mean they will change.

None of these lawyers want to listen to the story before they tell me that I won't get what I want. They don't know the things he's done. They don't understand the situation. And its making it really hard for me to find an attorney I can trust if they won't let me tell them whats going on before they poopoo on me!


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