# I mean really



## tattoomommy (Aug 14, 2009)

Well, I have a different type of complaint I guess. I'm probably just being stupid, but I needed to vent.

My DH and I have been married for a little over 3 years and we have a beautiful two year old daughter. I'm 25, he's 24 and neither of us has any current health problems (I've had some in the past but he's always been healthy). Well, the problem is that I have been super horny girl and pounce on my DH all the time. We've had sex every other day at least because I can't stand to go longer than that. (Actually, three days in a row as of last night:smthumbup Normally I wouldn't complain, and this is where some of you may say I"m just being stupid and that's fine. I need someone to tell me that if that's the case. 

I feel like my husband never really WANTS to have sex. Like I literally have to seduce him every night I want to because he'd rather be playing video games with his friends online. I always tell him if doesn't really want to, then don't. I don't do mercy sex, I don't want to get it either. Sex is sex, why can't we enjoy it? He says he wants to, but he doesn't have any passion in him anymore. He used to rock my world. Even up until the past two months or so he would get really into it. This month it's just been blah. If I didn't go bananas on top, no one would be! 

I get looks all the time from guys. The guys in his band always tell him how lucky he is to have me and my DH has even said that he knows if we were done they'd be all over me. So I know I haven't lost "it" if you know what I mean. I mean for example, the other night I busted out a super sexy outfit with 6" F*** me heels (his absolute favorite, used to be he couldn't keep his hands off me if I was wearing them) and when he saw me he lifted his eye brows and kissed me like he didn't notice!!! ARE YOU KIDDING?! GAH I just don't get it! I have never felt so humiliated in my life than I have this past month. I just want to quit.... Maybe I should just accept there's no fire left in him for me. I thought maybe I had enough for both, but it breaks my heart that he is so clearly disinterested. Maybe I should be happy that he still gives me sex even though I can tell he doesn't care either way (nor does he get me off like he used to, which contributes to my being that much hornier and as more evidence of how out of it he is while we do it). It could be worse I guess..


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## DudleyD (Jan 25, 2011)

Ok your husband is a lucky guy... 

Here's what I would recommend as it seems like we are in somewhat similar situations...

STOP throwing yourself at him completely... stop approaching him for sex at all. No matter how hard up you are do not go to him... get a vibrator... find a girlfriend who's interested in playing around...etc. etc. do not approach him for sex.. make him come to you.

It sounds like he's got too much of a good thing and he's taking it for granted... 

Not only that but sometimes it's true that "absense makes the heart grow fonder" - if you make him wait a couple weeks eventually he will approach you and then the dynamic has totally shifted.


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## tattoomommy (Aug 14, 2009)

I think I am going to stop coming to him like I do now. I don't know what else would work ya know? Maybe he is enjoying himself and the fact he doesn't have to put forth an effort. I just want to feel like I am worth the effort again. I don't want to be doomed with this the rest of my life! A vibrator is certainly going to come in handy. A girlfriend....he'd lose it lol. He's seen pics of me kissing my friends and rather than what I would expect - him to be turned on- he just got jealous and was convinced I was a lesbian lol. Far from it... So that would be a negative, but the vibrator- will do!
Thanks so much for your reply and encouragement. I hope you find a solution with your wife as well. Have you tried the same thing?


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## DudleyD (Jan 25, 2011)

Wow, if my wife were into women I would let her go crazy with that... she's not though. But to me that's absolutely no threat... another girl can't do what a man can do. 

I'm sure that's probably a lot of what it is... he has it easy so he doesn't have to put forth any effort. I have tried this personally and had marginal success because of the way my wife is wired... she also has some health issues and is very insecure about her body (even though she has no reason to be... it seems like most women are in some respect) I think in your case though "holding out" will work because unlike a woman with a low sex drive who can go for months / years on end without intimacy a man eventually has to "drain" ...so unless he has health issues or something else going on he will wonder why the hell you stopped being frisky and come to you for action.

Good luck to you too.


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

Oh wow... You sound like mine, minus the kissing a girl thing. Would enjoy it as well.

About this issue you're having though. He probably doesn't "charge" as fast as you do and is having enough sex to satisfy him. Basically, he's about 50% ready to go when you are already at a 100%. Just back off a little bit and he suddenly will miss having you pounce him, having you initiate and having you be awesome! 

Having him hunt might also make him more interested.


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## ARF (Jan 26, 2011)

You might even consider the possibility of him maybe having some form of depression.


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## tattoomommy (Aug 14, 2009)

Draguna- I didn't think of the re-charging part of it! We used to go sometimes 6 times a night, so I hadn't considered it lol. But, it does make sense. Then we were in school and worked part time, now he works full time and we have a 2 year old. I am going to keep that in mind and have him come after me. It's what I want more than anything as it is, so it's a good way to see it.

ARF- If it's depression, it's bizarre. I've dealt with depression for ten years and I'm currently in grad school for counseling so I'm not completely ignorant to it's manifestations and symptoms. He doesn't display any of the symptoms that one would expect. I think his problem is he plays video games all night with his friends and then he's tired from it. I interpret that as- you're willing to stay up all night with a video game but not having sex with your wife. Hurts like hell.


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## lucky_guy (Jan 23, 2011)

tattoomommy - its possible that he's:

- tired

- worried that he can't keep up (or it up) and is going to a) let you down and b) feel bad about it as well

- (I'm not saying this is the case) but since you have been there the day before, yesterday and today and will probably "be there" tomorrow, he might just want a couple of days off.

WOW - the 6" heels. wow. omg, omg. ~~~

He could also be wondering if he's just "doing you" (apologies for the harsh sound of that) rather doing something WITH you. And also you doing something FOR him.

I can only speak personally, but my wife and I do things _for each other_ rather than for personal satisfaction. *Not saying that this is the case*, just tossing it into the mix.


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## Whatshisname (Jan 12, 2011)

Lots of good answers here and I just wan't to add that couples or even just one side of a couple go through "dry" periods and then things get better. Maybe try to hold off on sex for a while and see if he gets his mojo back.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Hot or not - after 3 straight days - he might be tired. Sometimes playing hard to get is what I need and I have a high drive too. But I like it even more when the wife plays hard to get!


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

Oh, one more thing. This is just me. I get turned on really quickly and am in the mood multiple times a day, but after a certain amount I'm just spent. When we have sex multiple times a day (longer ones) and do this for 2 or 3 days, I'm ready to not have any for the next (two) days. It can tire a man out, just like my girl doesn't need any for a few days after she gets uh.... completely satisfied (to put it neatly).

And about the charge thing, you can ask most men and they will have something alike. After you have come, it seems that you just start to slowly charge up with the need to do it. The closer to "full charge", the easier you get aroused.

I think that kinda explains why men need to do it, not just want.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

DudleyD said:


> Ok your husband is a lucky guy...
> 
> Here's what I would recommend as it seems like we are in somewhat similar situations...
> 
> ...



Great advice, what I'm doing right now in my sexless situation. He has yet to come to me, but its only been a week.

And I not only do the other girl thing, but the other guy thing too! Boy, what he's missing...

Though it does get confusing when he's not interested in me, but the internet porn still holds his interest, I've given up trying to figure this out - it just stresses me out.


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## tattoomommy (Aug 14, 2009)

Thank you so much for all of your input. I do think it's a variety of what everyone else has said. I've had these ideas in my head for a while, but until someone else says it, I don't feel like they're valid I guess. I'm definitely going to be playing hard to get, but I'm not changing who I am either. If he's not game well I can be game by myself lol. We used to have sex every day after having our daughter (and I was able to) because at the time I felt like it was almost a chore when all I could think about was the baby. It helped out a lot because it just became something we both looked forward to every day and no longer a chore at all. We knew we were going to have sex, and throughout the day we would text or email each other ideas for later. That was so amazing....

One thing I didn't mention before was that the past 7 months we've been trying for baby #2 and it hasn't happened. So we stopped TRYING and just went to see what would happen this month (and we've resulted in more sex as the stress of it was off me and I thought him). Actually, he apparently thought I was just trying to get pregnant still which wasn't the case. If I did great, but I've filed that away all ready and if it happens great, but if not it's ok. Not going to cry over it like I had the past few months when I wasn't. After talking to him about it he said he felt a lot better and that I boosted his ego by wanting him so bad  That was two weeks ago, and he still responds the same way. So this is why I'm not really sure what's going on. If it was still the baby stuff, we both put that to rest. 

We'll just have to see what happens I guess!


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Sometimes he just needs to recharge!

Just going with the flow will help take the stress off. That happened with my wife and I when we were trying for Baby #2 as well! Stress off and BAM! Baby!

Good luck!


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## tattoomommy (Aug 14, 2009)

Powerbane said:


> Sometimes he just needs to recharge!
> 
> Just going with the flow will help take the stress off. That happened with my wife and I when we were trying for Baby #2 as well! Stress off and BAM! Baby!
> 
> Good luck!


I'm sure that the whole TTC thing for baby #2 has played a big factor. Even though he knew this whole month we weren't "trying" anymore, but "not trying not preventing" so I thought it would help. I mean my sex drive went through the roof!

I sure hope it was just a recharge thing....it's been almost a week and nothing since I've stopped going after him. Makes me sad


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## DudleyD (Jan 25, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> And I not only do the other girl thing, but the other guy thing too! Boy, what he's missing...
> 
> Though it does get confusing when he's not interested in me, but the internet porn still holds his interest, I've given up trying to figure this out - it just stresses me out.


It boggles my mind that any guy is more interested in porn than an actual woman... 

Is your husband is ok with you seeing other guys? This is honestly something I offered to my wife thinking that maybe she's just lost interest in ME, but not wanting to split because of the kids. 

I just want her to be happy regardless... and I need to be as well so in this day and age I don't rule "open marriage" out but I'm wondering how it works for people who have tried it... I have mostly heard negative things / jealousy issues.


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

DudleyD said:


> It boggles my mind that any guy is more interested in porn than an actual woman...


Dude. SERIOUSLY depends on the actual woman. I've been in relationships where the porn was so, so much better than the real thing that I'd have no choice. I mean, it was otherwise a decent relationship, but if she had to be my only sexual outlet I would have blown my brains out. Some women . . . just not good in bed.


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

Powerbane said:


> Sometimes he just needs to recharge!
> 
> Just going with the flow will help take the stress off. That happened with my wife and I when we were trying for Baby #2 as well! Stress off and BAM! Baby!
> 
> Good luck!


Yeah, my wife and I were diagnosed with infertility. She was told by the top OBGYN in the state that she would never have kids. 

I really want to take my three ADHD hellions over to his office and drop them off for lunch some day, just so he can try to recover his waiting room from the destruction the three kids he said we couldn't have caused.

Just get drunk and tear one off. That's what we did. I recommend the Guinness.


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## DudleyD (Jan 25, 2011)

IanIronwood said:


> Dude. SERIOUSLY depends on the actual woman. I've been in relationships where the porn was so, so much better than the real thing that I'd have no choice. I mean, it was otherwise a decent relationship, but if she had to be my only sexual outlet I would have blown my brains out. Some women . . . just not good in bed.


The thing is if she has the drive you can teach her... no matter how "bad" she is... if she's eager for sexual intimacy she should be open to learning what you like and dislike... and vice versa.


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

DudleyD said:


> The thing is if she has the drive you can teach her... no matter how "bad" she is... if she's eager for sexual intimacy she should be open to learning what you like and dislike... and vice versa.


There are some problems that no sane man wants to take on. After a while, you get to the point of seriously diminishing returns. It wasn't a matter of physical attributes, but totally about her baggage. And it always will be. (*sigh*)


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

DudleyD said:


> It boggles my mind that any guy is more interested in porn than an actual woman...
> 
> Is your husband is ok with you seeing other guys? This is honestly something I offered to my wife thinking that maybe she's just lost interest in ME, but not wanting to split because of the kids.
> 
> I just want her to be happy regardless... and I need to be as well so in this day and age I don't rule "open marriage" out but I'm wondering how it works for people who have tried it... I have mostly heard negative things / jealousy issues.


No, I'm not doing the other guys myself (sorry for the crude language), we're doing the other guys together, occasionally, not an everyday thing - of course not, he has to have sex with me more, then I can play more...tit for tat, you know.

Though my counselor has suggested a lover if the sex thing doesn't get resolved soon, but not sure I'm ready for that.


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## DudleyD (Jan 25, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> No, I'm not doing the other guys myself (sorry for the crude language), we're doing the other guys together, occasionally, not an everyday thing - of course not, he has to have sex with me more, then I can play more...tit for tat, you know.
> 
> Though my counselor has suggested a lover if the sex thing doesn't get resolved soon, but not sure I'm ready for that.


No need to apologize for crude language. I was just curious if you tried that route and how it was working out. 

Personally I never understood why people took that route until my own experiences culminated in me mulling it over myself.


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## breathe (Feb 2, 2011)

DudleyD said:


> Ok your husband is a lucky guy...


Absolutely:smthumbup:


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

For many men it is the chase and conquest of a woman that turns them on. Once she is "caught" they lose interest. As long as these guys are single they can move from woman to woman, breaking up when he gets sexually bored and moving on to another. But when they marry they find themselves in a sexual trap and that kills their libido.


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

Could he be getting it somewhere else?
Is he jerking off? Do you know for sure?
What about low testosterone?
Reconsider the possibility of low grade depression.
How about roleplay? If he's into games, that may work? Wigs, costumes (nurse, school girl), toys...
How about reading bedtime stories from Penthouse Forum? Do you know what his fantasies are? Maybe read to him from that topic?
How about a porn video to excite him first? Men are very visual. I love my wife and think she's hot as **** but looking at something different would jazz things up a bit!
How about dirty talk? "Honey, Billy in your band looks at me funny, like he wants to f*ck me so hard! I bet your c*ck is bigger than his and you can f*ck me longer and harder than him! Maybe you both can f*ck me at the same time!........
PS: Things were similar for me. My wife was always ready to go. I wasn't. Once a week was enough for me! Stress and anger about her spending mostly taking away my drive. She had an affair. That woke me up! Now I'd go every hour if I could! (and jerk off on the half hour)


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## bs193 (Jan 2, 2011)

Workingitout said:


> Could he be getting it somewhere else?
> Is he jerking off? Do you know for sure?
> *What about low testosterone?*
> Reconsider the possibility of low grade depression.
> ...



This was my thought and I speak from experience. When my wife and I were about the same age, she wanted it every night and I would just as soon roll over and get a good nights sleep after playing video games all evening. This went on for about a year (had sex but not as often as she wanted). My wife then began suffering from depression and during her counseling, discussed this issue. The counselor suggested I have my testosterone levels checked. Reluctantly I did and sure enough it was low. After a couple prescriptions, I wanted it every night and still do to this day. Ironically, by this time my wife was on Zoloft and lost a lot of her drive.....karma is a b****.


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