# Dying Marriage & Bestfriend Confessed love after 16 years



## Lalalopsy101 (May 10, 2014)

Hi everyone,

I have a quite complicated marriage. I married my husband not because I am inlove with him. I married him because he was committing suicide if i wouldn't marry him. We started as friends. He had serious issues in depression. He's been taking therapies and medication for 3 years when we met. I became close to him. I became his shouder to lean on and his audience with all the drama of his self-pity. He eventually fell in love with me but I wasn't in love with him so I rejected his proposal. He attempted suicide and everything just went wrong. I could not bear in my conscience if anything happened to him that day so I accepted his proposal. I learned to love him but I am not really in love with him. He dramatically changed. All his depressions are gone and I was glad that I helped him. Everyone in his family loves me for he became a different person than he used to be. I didn't believe in marriage but i married him anyways for i thought i am saving someone's life. we are married for 2 and a half years and we have huge fights. We have no children. He is so selfish and self centered. He doesn't have a job. I am the only one working and paying the bills. Not to mention the household chores. I am also not attracted him so i can't give him sex. Mostly I am only pretending. In the middle of our dying marriage my bestfriend from long time ago confessed his love for me. He kept his feelings for me for 16 years. He is still single and couldn't keep his feelings anymore. He was the guy I fell in love with and is still the one. Knowing all these I am in big trouble. I trapped myself in a very complicated position. I am afraid that my husband will threaten his life again and i don't want to take the blame. 

I am considering divorce. Any advice?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Ok, so you married for all the wrong reasons. You weren't in love with him; you can't "save" someone, they have to do that for themselves. He trapped you by threatening suicide... that's one h*ll of a guilt trip to lay on someone.

You fight like crazy, you don't have kids, he is selfish, self-centered, doesn't have a job, you're in love with someone else, and you want out. You did what you set out to do which was prevent him from committing suicide.

It's time to pack up, move along, and get out of a very unhappy situation. Your husband is stable now. Don't fall for the "I will kill myself if you leave" nonsense. You already fell for it once and it hasn't worked out.

If he threatens to kill himself, get him professional help immediately. But you should not give up the rest of your life and a chance at happiness to someone who manipulated you and is mentally unstable.


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## Counterfit (Feb 2, 2014)

Here is my advice......stop considering a divorce and file for a divorce.

You have been manipulated by this man into giving up your right to pursue happiness. 

You also need to entering into some type of counseling or therapy to determine why you would allow anyone to manipulate you to this extreme degree and then take actions to ensure it never happens again.

Your hopefully soon-to-be former-husband is a toxic human being - if you do not expel him from every aspect of your life you will have no life.

If your hopefully soon-to-be former-husband commits suicide that is his decision - NOT yours.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

One helping of advice, coming right up.

1) Paragraphs are your friend. Split your posts up into smaller paragraphs.

2) Marrying someone to keep them from committing suicide is pretty far-fetched as reasons to get married go. Especially if you "didn't believe in marriage." It suggests to me that you have very low self-esteem and no boundaries on personal behavior that you tolerate in yourself in others. I advise lots and lots of therapy and counseling.

3) Having a male best friend while married (that isn't your husband) does kind of support your idea that you don't believe in marriage. Once again, poor boundaries on your part. And, let's see. your best friend, who you REALLY DO LOVE, has been in love with you for 16 years and, apparently, unable to move on and find somebody else to love. Yeah, he sounds like a keeper. My advice is that best friend is probably not the answer to the problems in your life.

4) You say your husband dramatically changed and all his depression went away after you married, 2-1/2 years ago, but that you now have huge fights and you don't have sex with him. I advise you to decide whether you think he is happier and better off for having married you, or not. Pick one. You can't have both.

5) If your husband commits suicide, that's his choice. You are not to blame for him committing suicide. You should know this. The fact that you don't know this, or lack the ability to verbalize this simple truth, suggests to me that you have very low self-esteem and probably some other pretty serious problems. I advise lots and lots of therapy and counseling.

6) You spend lots of your post talking about your husband's shortcomings. Perhaps you should spend time figuring out what YOU really want in life.


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## Lalalopsy101 (May 10, 2014)

NotLikeYou said:


> One helping of advice, coming right up.
> 
> 1) Paragraphs are your friend. Split your posts up into smaller paragraphs.
> 
> ...


You sound like a therapist to me. Thanks for the advice. I didn't even think of seeing a therapist. I thought I was fine. I think I am too naive. 

What I want in life? I am not sure. I guess just a simple life, a family a good career. A partner who is responsible and will take care of me. 

My bestfriend is not the solution to my problems I know this. I have been thinking of divorce after a year of being married to my husband. But I pity him sometimes. I have to learn to stand up for myself and knowing that my bestfriend is in love with me gives me more reason to fight for my right. Yes he is not the solution but he is a big boost. I am also not gonna jump into a relationship with him (my bestfriend) yet.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You need a plan. Having one will help you make the changes you need to make.

Do you have family near you who can help you get out of this marriage?

When you tell your husband that you are leaving him, if he threatens suicide, tell someone in his family. Let them be the ones to get him help. 

Since you are the one who pays the bills, would you stay living where you live now?

Could he go live with family since he is not working?

You need to start finding out how to go about the legal issues of a divorce. You will need to either get an attorney or find out how to file on your own.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> Ok, so you married for all the wrong reasons. You weren't in love with him; you can't "save" someone, they have to do that for themselves. He trapped you by threatening suicide... that's one h*ll of a guilt trip to lay on someone.
> 
> You fight like crazy, you don't have kids, he is selfish, self-centered, doesn't have a job, you're in love with someone else, and you want out. You did what you set out to do which was prevent him from committing suicide.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Yes, you do need to unhitch and get on with your life in a healthy manner.

Can't say I think much of the "best friend" who will make his move while your marriage is in obvious crisis, though.


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## Lalalopsy101 (May 10, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> :iagree:


I am weighing things now. I am staying with a friend at the moment. Being away is making me think well. Thank you everyone for your advices. It is quite hard but little by little I can do it. I will give u an update if something came up. 


Once again thank you.


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