# Am I gonna make till summer?



## OhioGirl (Mar 30, 2011)

An update...

If you've read any of my other posts, you know that I told my husband last week that I want to separate.

Things have been stressful to say the least.

All he wants to do is talk...I try to make him understand what I am feeling. He won't.

At one thirty this morning, he woke me up telling me that he would do ANYTHING to keep me. He will go into counseling and he will even take pills. He tells me that he loves me with his whole heart.

He broke down and CRIED this afternoon. He told me how he's hit rock bottom. How one day he had everything, and the next he'd lost it all.

But in the midst of everything...it is all because of something I did or didn't do.

He told me this afternoon that after 19 yrs of marriage, I owe him a chance.

I say after that long, I don't owe HIM anything...but I owe myself EVERYTHING.

We have an appointment with our marriage counselor on Tuesday. This visit won't make any difference.

I am going this summer...

My question is this, how will I ever make it till June?


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

> We have an appointment with our marriage counselor on Tuesday. This visit won't make any difference.


 If you go in thinking like that, it won't.



> For a long time I have been unhappy with our relationship.
> 
> But it is only recently that my eyes have been opened to it.


 You said this on your first post.

Ending a relationship before you've made it CLEAR how you feel and going to MC is cruel.

What your husband did was probably Emotionally abusive or close to it. My wife and I had a poor dynamic. My MC story is in my profile. She would bottle stuff up and not tell me how she felt. It was impossible for me to know how she felt and why or what I was doing wrong. To be honest, she didn't know how she felt much of the time. She didn't understand the harm of internalizing and bottling it up.

I think its great you've had an awakening. For what its worth from someone one the internet who has gone though something similar, I think your husband deserves a TRUE shot. Right now it sounds like you aren't willing to give him anything.

I think a lot of people do the best they know how, and sometimes it wrong. I think you both didn't know how to make it work, but it takes 2 to tango.

I have to ask, when is the first time he knew that you were unhappy, why you were unhappy, and what he could do about it. I'm sure you said some of that, but when did he KNOW? when did you know?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

It isn't cruel, it is often self-preservation. If you know the other person will cry and beg and do anything to avert your leaving--anything, that is, but accept responsibility for his/her own feelings and actions--then leaving is the only choice. People like this--possibly narcissistic personality disorder--cannot and will not change themselves as long as someone else is there to blame and/or handle everything. They often won't change after the other person leaves; they'll just find someone else. 

Anx, you cared, you asked, you pushed. Imagine 20 years of someone not caring enough. Imagine 20 years of someone responding to your expression of your feelings--carefully stated in a non-critical way because you've been in therapy and you've worked on you and you've read about communication, and you've taken responsibility for your feelings--imagine the person loving you saying, "Well, it's not my fault you feel that way," and becoming defensive and unable to hear, and then punishing you in passive-aggressive ways. Imagine 20 years of telling yourself, "This is what marriage is like. . .my kids would suffer if I left. . .I can handle this; I've done it this long." Imagine a father of 20 years complaining because he has to pick up a child after school a couple of times a week (and mom has always done all the other pick-ups, driving to kids' events, classes, dr. appts, etc., while working full-time) saying, "This is just too stressful; I can't do it." Imagine 100s and 100s of time this person saying, "I can't do that," or "I don't want to do that," or "I don't want you to do that," and never showing any pleasure in your pleasure, refusing--and I mean flat out refusing--to try one thing different in love-making beyond 2 basic positions FOR 20 YEARS, and never learning things you like and don't like so you are always having to orchestrate the love-making because s/he will do what feels good to her/him and ignore you unless you insist. Imagine a person who hears every expression of your sadness or frustration or desire for anything (change, fun, whatever) as a criticism to be met with passive resistance. Imagine a person who says--when something bad happens to you--"Why do these things always happen to me?" Imagine a person who promises to do things and then almost never does, laughs, and says, "Oh, I forgot," even though he has already told you his strategy for dealing with things he doesn't want to do (at work, with his parents) is to avoid or do the job badly so someone else will just do it and maybe they will stop asking. 

Before you label someone cruel, walk in their shoes. 

Anyone who has to rely on "you owe me. . ." to their spouse has already lost the love and should just let go, if you ask me. Marriage isn't about who owes what to whom, at least not in any discussion I've read. Either you do it out of love, or you shouldn't be doing it.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

If he knows now and is really willing to 100% change, does it matter?

Sometimes it is one person not caring, being a jerk, and not willing to change when its make or break. What sisters described is terrible. If thats the case, then its probably over.

Sometimes its a crappy dynamic. There was really nothing I could do about my situation until I knew the truth about my wife internalizing issues and not telling me how she felt. If she had waited 15 more years, I think the post would have looked like ohio's.

I can't really tell what the truth is or if the marriage is worth trying to save.

When I entered MC with my wife, it took me a long time to realize what was going on. I simply didn't know what the truth was or why. I certainly did a ton of damage to my marriage, but if my wife had said a month after we got married that this wasn't working, I would have changed then.

Anyways, best of luck.

I can see sisters point of view, but its not that big of a difference between our two points. (although there are significant differences) I probably would have turned out like you described sister if we had kids, got busy, and never fixed the issues. I don't really know. Its scary to think sometimes what that would look like or to see myself in those shoes.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You paid attention and knew something was wrong, and tried to fix it. She could not pretend that you hadn't at least tried, which probably made all the difference in the world. Good people make mistakes, and even someone who is seriously selfish CAN change. But the people I described will not, as long as they have someone to bolster them. They have to reach rock-bottom and even then, some cannot change. That doesn't make them "bad," but it does mean they are people that others will find impossible to connect to in a meaningful way. It is a hard row to hoe, either way, but I'm glad things have worked out for you, Anx.


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## OhioGirl (Mar 30, 2011)

I would like to first Thank everyone for replying with great insight to all my posts.

Anx,

You know how they say that when times are good, they're GREAT and when they're bad they are AWFUL! That has been my life for the past 20 yrs, without the great. Maybe it was good.

I can no longer live with the anticipation of the bad. Waking up in the morning wondering WHAT he will choose to argue about today OR how he's going to feel about whatever I choose to make for dinner tonight.

I say that seeing the MC won't make a difference because I have made the decision to go. What he is offering is too little, too late. And for your information...this is NOT the first time I have said I am going to go.

I have given him so many chances over the years, and the only reason he will try now is because he knows I mean business.

How long will it last? A month, until he feels like I'm happy again... but am seething underneath

Six months, until we are finally closer to our families...and I am still fantasizing about being on my own?

How much longer do I have to live with someone who takes all the joy out of most holidays, because of his anxiety? ( I was recently at a store with my daughter...and we saw some turkey platters. The first thought in my head was, *I *won't have to be anxious this Thanksgiving. I won't have to worry about him freaking out about germs or some awful virus.)

How much longer do I have to stay with him...only to have him give me the silent treatment when I have to go out of town for business????

How many more times do I have to hit bottom myself...when something happens in our relationship and the depression only gets worse. It seems as if the only thing to do is the unspeakable...

Yes, we have our good times...but the bad outweigh them.

You tell me, should I go to preserve myself or stay in a state of high anxiety?


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Absolutely don't stay in a state of high anxiety.
If any changes he makes are temporary or fake then get out. Make that 100% clear

As a husband still waiting for full forgiveness from my wife, I have to say that people can change.
It might very well mean you move out for 2-5 years. He spent 20 years messing it up. Fixing it (if its possible) will take a long time.

It might already be over. Your husband doesn't deserve another chance. It would have to be yours to give.



> A month, until he feels like I'm happy again... but am seething underneath


 He needs to know this. My wife didn't tell me that she was unhappy and would put on a happy face.



> I say that seeing the MC won't make a difference because I have made the decision to go. What he is offering is too little, too late. And for your information...this is NOT the first time I have said I am going to go.


 If it is possible for you to give him a 2nd shot that he doesn't deserve, separate and give him a chance to show you if this is the real deal or fake.

I'll PM you the story of another forum members story.

Best of luck whatever you decide.


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## GAR (Apr 1, 2011)

OhioGirl said:


> I would like to first Thank everyone for replying with great insight to all my posts.
> 
> Anx,
> 
> ...


Maybe I missed something in this thread, but why do you have to wait until June? Why not move out now? Go to a motel, an extended stay place, move out though.


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## OhioGirl (Mar 30, 2011)

Gar,

My middle child is graduating High School this summer...then we're packing up an moving home!

*An update for everyone who's keeping tabs...

My H had his first therapy appointment on Tuesday Morning, and we had one together at our MC Tuesday night. Our MC really called him out on how he thinks of himself and not how I will feel about things.

Something must have struck a chord, because he has admitted to being "a horses's A**"(his words, not mine) all this time. And he has admitted that most of what he does is for attention, and that he's acting like he's 4 and not a grown man.

He is still making promises, but I have no desire to stay in this relationship.

I love him, and I care for him...but it is time to care for myself.

He stayed at a hotel last night, because I have NOT been sleeping well.

Unfortunately, there are just not funds yet for us to be in seperate living quarters.

Anyway, H has another appointment tomorrow morning and we have another together tomorrow evening.

I'll post again soon.

A HEARTFELT thanks for all the words of wisdom and advice!


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