# Love and Respect



## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Ladies only answer the poll please. Men check the mens clubhouse for yours. If you have read the book please do not answer the poll. 

I am currently reading Love and Respect - Dr. E. Eggerichs.

In the book certain claims about love and respect have been made as it applies to both sexes.

It is also claimed that this is backed up by his biblical and others scientific research. 

Thanks for you time.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

curious2 said:


> I think they go hand in hand. I don't see how you could separate the two.


Do you love all people you respect? 

Would you prefer your spouse treat you unloving or disrespectfully?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I would rather feel loved and respected. Like curious I believe they go hand in hand when it comes to a relationship with your SO.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Gaia said:


> I would rather feel loved and respected. Like curious I believe they go hand in hand when it comes to a relationship with your SO.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Are you saying that when you feel loved you feel respected? 
Or is it the other way around for you? 

When your SO does something great for you or with you etc are you feeling loved or respected?


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

Sorry, not going to choose because I need *both*. I will say that without respect there is no love.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

When my spouse walks away while im talking I feel disrespected. When he takes the time out to do a chore to lighten my load I feel loved. When he stands up for me if say... His mother belittles me I feel both loved and respected.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Red Sonja said:


> Sorry, not going to choose because I need *both*. I will say that without respect there is no love.


The question is not about what you need but rather how you prefer to feel. unloved or disrespected or if you prefer would you rather feel loved or respected? 

If as you say that without respect there is no love then the reverse must also be true. Without love there is no respect.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Gaia said:


> When my spouse walks away while im talking I feel disrespected. When he takes the time out to do a chore to lighten my load I feel loved. When he stands up for me if say... His mother belittles me I feel both loved and respected.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Great. But which do you prefer to feel that your spouse provide - Love or respect?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Like I said I prefer both love and respect. There is no either or for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

curious2 said:


> Sometimes a spouse might unintentionally say or do something that makes the other feel hurt or disrespected but that doesnt mean the respect is not there. I still say they go hand in hand.


Do they? So you love all people you respect?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I had to look this up (actual definition of respect) and if these are my only options I'd rather feel disrespected than unloved.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> I had to look this up (actual definition of respect) and if these are my only options I'd rather feel disrespected than unloved.


Thanks Mavash.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I would rather be disrespected than unloved. It's easier to resolve disrespect than lack of love.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Thinking about it.... Even the examples I gave ... Love and respect of different degrees go along together. For me anyway.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Thinking about it.... Even the examples I gave ... Love and respect of different degrees go along together. For me anyway.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The author does point out that women have difficulty with this idea or concept when initially presented with it. 

You and your cross talking brain hemispheres.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

I wasn't going to vote... thought it was silly. So went away...thought..came back and voted.

My H has disrespected me before I feel but i never doubted he loves me. The disrespect I can get mad about but I feel we can work on that...lack of love would would break my heart.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

waiwera said:


> I wasn't going to vote... thought it was silly. So went away...thought..came back and voted.
> 
> My H has disrespected me before I feel but i never doubted he loves me. The disrespect I can get mad about but I feel we can work on that...lack of love would would break my heart.


Thanks.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I can respect people I don't love. I can love people I don't respect. But for my husband I have to feel respect and love, or I wouldn't be *in* love with him.

I couldn't bear to be permanently unloved or disrespected by my husband. I don't think he could continue to love me if he didn't respect me. Temporary conditions of both would be painful, but bearable.

Can't choose, sorry. The dichotomy makes no sense to me.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Lyris said:


> I can respect people I don't love. I can love people I don't respect. But for my husband I have to feel respect and love, or I wouldn't be *in* love with him.
> 
> I couldn't bear to be permanently unloved or disrespected by my husband. I don't think he could continue to love me if he didn't respect me. Temporary conditions of both would be painful, but bearable.
> 
> Can't choose, sorry. The dichotomy makes no sense to me.


Interesting. You could love your husband without respecting him? 

It's not about what you have to feel for him but what he needs to give to you. Daily - Love or respect. I know you would like both but what do you like more of? Less unloving moments or less disrespecting moments.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

No, I couldn't be in love with my husband, if I didn't hold him in very high regard, ie respect him as a person. Maybe I could love him in a caring way, I don't know.

I suppose I'd rather be loved by him than respected, if I really had to choose.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

kipani said:


> I need both, love is more important, but feeling disrespected constantly, I'd eventually just get bored and move on to somebody who took me seriously. Obviously irreconcilable differences. Once in awhile is alright. I can't love somebody I don't respect either. They really do go hand in hand.


Perhaps I should have been clearer with the question. 
Once and awhile is what I meant.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

CanadianGuy said:


> Perhaps I should have been clearer with the question.
> Once and awhile is what I meant.


Good...this is how i had taken your question.

Usually my H has been unaware that I have felt disrespected by his behavior until I've pointed it out to him and because he loves me he feels bad, apologizes and we talk about it and work out a way for it not to become a regular occurrence... same goes for me if he feels disrespected in any way.

If he didn't love me I doubt he would do any of those things.... what would motivate him? 

Humans do incredible things for those they love. Would respect make you 'take the bullet' for your spouse or enable you to lift a car off your them after an accident? I don't believe so but true deep love does...we've all read stories of amazing feats of strength and courage people do in the name of love! 

Love makes the world go round


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Being unloved is depressing. Being disrespected is infuriating.

A tough choice, but I think the former is just a little bit more comfortable.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

I guess I would choose disrespect because if my husband did not love me, then there would be no point for us to be together. Overall, the two go together, but there are times when my husband has disrespected me. He would always apologize because he loves me, but if he didn't love me, then I doubt he would do what he does for our marriage.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I voted for neither because feeling unloved or disrespected would result in me ending the relationship. If my partner didn't care enough about me to respect me, his love would mean little.

To me, love and respect are synonymous.


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## ForBetter (Mar 6, 2012)

Hard choice as I feel there can be no real love without respect (conversely, I can certainly respect someone without loving him or her.) If he claimed to love me but I felt he disrespected me, I would not believe that he actually loved me at all. 

In addition, if I felt disrespected, I would be unable to love him. The relationship would simply be unsustainable.

I think I would rather feel that a man respects me but does not love me than that he claims to love me but doesn't respect me. The former circumstance is honest and straightforward-- we are friends, coworkers or acquaintances, not lovers-- but the latter relationship would be simply unhealthy.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

I would rather be respected. I don't feel loved by my husband but at this point he treats me with respect and that is workable.

IMO, Egghead describes something unhealthy and suggests it's necessary. 

I could be the poster girl for following "respect your husband". Spent 20 years walking on eggshells and attempting to teach my children likewise to avoid pushing his "disrespected" buttons.

Someone posted a link to the "No More Mr. Nice Guy" book on another thread and I was fascinated to see a very similar "hose" analogy to what Egghead suggests but in this case the unhealthy nature of the dependency is clear:

The Nice Guy's pursuing and enmeshing behavior is an attempt to hook up an emotional hose to his partner. T*his hose is used to suck the life out of her and fill an empty place inside of him* https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf​
In my case, I had a dream about my husband sitting in the bottom of an empty dirty cobwebbed olympic size pool and me and children adding water by the teaspoonful. The pool was his "respect vacuum". A wife and children cannot meet it, it is impossible. Much as we frantically tried with out little teaspoons.... He MUST go to God with the "empty place inside of him"!


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I don't have relationships with people who disrespect me but I have relationships with people who don't love me.

So I'll go with respect which includes my husband.

Thanks for clarifying once in awhile.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Blonde said:


> I would rather be respected. I don't feel loved by my husband but at this point he treats me with respect and that is workable.
> 
> IMO, Egghead describes something unhealthy and suggests it's necessary.
> 
> ...


Unhealthy for who? You or your husband or both? 

Sounds like there is bigger problems here Blonde. ( ? )

I could not live like that for 20 years either. 

Dr. Eggerichs does not have exclusivity on this idea. I've read it elsewhere.

As a bit of interest I thought I would run a poll here and in the mens forum. 

Thanks for participating.


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