# I hope this works



## PinkNemesis (Jul 31, 2018)

I previously posted about my sex issues with my husband. 
If you didn't read it..Basically my husband watches a lot of porn and doesn't have sex with me. 

Well, we had a 3 hour long conversation last night. 
Neither of us feel that the porn is the root of the problem. I know that porn can be addicting and it can cause issues. I feel that it may have added to our problems but thats it. 
Last year, we went porn free for about 6 months. It never helped anything. Honestly, it just made us frustrated. Even my sexual drive diminished from doing that. 
Anyways, he told me that he has been very stressed out lately about money. 2 years ago, he lost his job and we lost our house along with it. 
Since then we've been trying to get back on track financially. We've been doing good with that. But, it still has added stress for him. 
But thats not it. 
He admitted to me that I make him feel intimidated because of my sexual history. (I've been with many men and used to be a cam girl online...please dont judge)
I told him I would do whatever it took to help him feel better about it but I cant change my past. I told him he was the best sexual partner I have ever had. and that's why this no sex spell is hard for me because I miss it so much. 
He said that the amount of sex that I require is overwhelming to him. 
I basically told him that he just has to work through it and get over it if we want this to work. 

Even when we were dating, we were always together. We've always been a very clingy couple. We even worked the same job together for 3 years. 
So, our plan is to give each other time apart. This weekend, I'm going to a hotel and staying by myself. and a few nights a week, I'm going to sleep in our sunroom instead of with him. 
He said he wants to miss me and he thinks it would help. 
Yeah, he might watch porn the whole time I'm gone...I honestly will probably be watching it a lot as well. 
We have decided to give this marriage 6 months. If no progress is made then I'm gone. 

I hope this works...


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I hope it works. I'm worried though that it is just more separation, and maybe worse could lead to a lack of trust if one of you wonders what the other was doing when you were apart.

Sexual mismatches are very difficult to fix.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

Hello, 

Me again. I hope it works for you to. 

In your prior post. You mentioned he masturbates a bit to porn. Which there was an agreement on. The basis of this, is that he is choosing porn over you. He may not be addicted, but he sure as hell prefers it. Even as you have stated. 

Yes, you probably are overwhelming him. You probably are attention seeking from him, and he feels he can't measure up. However, please understand him preferring this screen, and fake people, leading fake lives, to you (your emotions, desires, sexual nature, and even your body) speaks volumes. 

I once broke up with someone, 2 days later they just HAD to be back in my life for whatever reason they saw fit. 

Think about the implications of that conversation, vs this one. To an extent I am glad you put a timeline on it, however, as someone who went through a divorce. All a timeline gave them, was enough time to make their exit plans come true.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

PinkNemesis said:


> I previously posted about my sex issues with my husband.
> If you didn't read it..Basically my husband watches a lot of porn and doesn't have sex with me.
> 
> Well, we had a 3 hour long conversation last night.
> ...


Many of the issues on TAM are very complicated, layered, etc. Let's make this uncomplicated;

- You say he doesn't have sex with you and then you mention the amount of sex you need is overwhelming to him. Are you not having sex AT ALL or just not as much as you would like?
- Porn can be good, bad or irrelevant depending on the situation and you say you guys agree it's not the issue but if he can jerk off to porn and orgasm, that is a problem, if you are willing and ready to go and he's doing that but complaining about sex or too much sex with you. 
- If it didn't help anything in those 6 months you guys were porn-less, there's a chance it could have been the other stress but if he is into porn as much as you say, then he was probably sneaking it in

If you guys are both still fully vested in each other, this is exactly when counseling is supposed to take place. Find a therapist that is a specialist in this area.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

PinkNemesis said:


> I hope this works...


You could also look into karazza or a variation of it. Read www.reuniting.info

It is a style of intimacy that suggests making love without orgasm. For a couple such as yourselves that could be a fun experiment. Essentially it removes the performance aspect of lovemaking and replaces it with the idea of focusing on making an emotional connection. 

A kinky way to look at it might be a form of tease and denial... but the fun thing is that if you seriously try but mess up and have an incredible orgasm while being completely relaxed... well that is a very fun way to fail at trying something new.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

stillfightingforus said:


> Many of the issues on TAM are very complicated, layered, etc. Let's make this uncomplicated;
> - You say he doesn't have sex with you and then you mention the amount of sex you need is overwhelming to him. Are you not having sex AT ALL or just not as much as you would like?


Good point and relevant


stillfightingforus said:


> If you guys are both still fully vested in each other, this is exactly when counseling is supposed to take place. Find a therapist that is a specialist in this area.


You both need to open to what the counselor has to say and willing to make changes. Don't just go for the sake of seeing a counselor.

One thing I noted is that your husband masturbates a lot. By masturbating, he reduces his desire for sex. Why not try to work his masturbation into your sex life? Ask him if he can hold off masturbating and wait for you to be around. Or if he feels the need to release, come and tell you? Then ask him what he thinks about while masturbating (does he want to jerk off on your chest, want a blow job, want to watch you masturbate?) and see if it is something you can do together. Kind of make his masturbating fantasies come true. My thoughts are to get him to associate masturbation with you and ultimately associating you with release. Realigning his mental pathways to you instead of his hand. Just throwing it out there for thought.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Instead of him feeling like he has to change to meet your sexual needs, why don't you guys try to meet in the middle? It was the same way with my ex and I: he was very LD; I'm very HD. Instead of us meeting in the middle like I had wanted and suggested, I ended up having to conform to what he wanted and when he wanted it (and how often he was comfortable with). This is part of what eventually destroyed our marriage. @uhtred is right, sexual mismatches are hard to fix. And honestly, you're probably better to keep an open dialogue about this, and try to get through this together instead of separately. Much luck to you guys!


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## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

How was he before the job stress/loss and also, losing the house as a result?

I ask because there could possibly be more to this than what is being spoken about.

A man losing his job, and in turn losing the house can have a major impact on a man's self worth, and in turn affect confidence in many areas.

Is it a subject you have discussed with him?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*What you are doing is nothing more than a precursor to separation!

You'd be far better off committing to a regimen of intensive marriage counseling rather than sleeping in separate rooms!

To even try to preserve a marriage, togetherness is the order of the day, not separation! *


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

@PinkNemesis: the higher drive spouse agreeing to give up all sex to see how long it takes the lower drive spouse to want sex "for themselves" almost never works to resolve a sexual mismatch. It almost always happens that the lower drive spouse goes so long without wanting any sex that the higher drive spouse learns to resent and hate the lower drive spouse. By the time the LD is ready to have sex with the HD, the HD wants nothing to do with the LD. It is pretty much always and everywhere a failed strategy.

The denial strategy that works for HDs is to deny the things that the LD does want. If they want to talk, remain silent. If they want you to keep a neat and clean house, stop cleaning. If they want someone to go out to dinner or the movies with, tell them you have a headache and they should go by themselves.

If you want the LD to feel discomfort so they are motivated to come to the negotiating table, you don't get there by denying them what you want more of. You get there by denying them what THEY want.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Holdingontoit said:


> @PinkNemesis: the higher drive spouse agreeing to give up all sex to see how long it takes the lower drive spouse to want sex "for themselves" almost never works to resolve a sexual mismatch. It almost always happens that the lower drive spouse goes so long without wanting any sex that the higher drive spouse learns to resent and hate the lower drive spouse. By the time the LD is ready to have sex with the HD, the HD wants nothing to do with the LD. It is pretty much always and everywhere a failed strategy.
> 
> The denial strategy that works for HDs is to deny the things that the LD does want. If they want to talk, remain silent. If they want you to keep a neat and clean house, stop cleaning. If they want someone to go out to dinner or the movies with, tell them you have a headache and they should go by themselves.
> 
> If you want the LD to feel discomfort so they are motivated to come to the negotiating table, you don't get there by denying them what you want more of. You get there by denying them what THEY want.


Intentionally denying someone the things they want in a relationship does not foster desire in a LD partner. It just makes them resentful and bitter also.

That strategy is simply manipulative and game playing.

As a last straw and along with a sincere ultimatum that you have full intentions of carrying theough, it may bring someone to the negotiating table.... Albeit perhaps begrudgingly.

The thing with the negotiating table though, is it is only actually helpful if there is something about YOU that is turning the other person off and it is sine thing that you can correct such as bad breath or stinky feet or something that your partner is otherwise uncomfortable to tell you. 

If they have some kind of medical/hormonal/psychological reason that is hindering their libido but they are not addressing it, the real-world threat of divorce may motivate them to seek treatment also.

But If the real reason they don't want to have sex with you is they simply don't like you or or they just do not have the sexual capacity you need, that is not something that can be counseled or negotiated.

Other than that, denying the LD partner their relationship needs to get them into bed is simply manipulation coercion. Not an effective means of stimulating desire.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

separating is not going to help anything
porn and masturbation is his wife.
No more porn and no more sex alone, (aka jerking it off) he has a willing wife


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> Intentionally denying someone the things they want in a relationship does not foster desire in a LD partner. It just makes them resentful and bitter also.
> 
> That strategy is simply manipulative and game playing.
> 
> As a last straw and along with a sincere ultimatum that you have full intentions of carrying theough, it may bring someone to the negotiating table.... Albeit perhaps begrudgingly.


And that is the point. When you have had "the talk" and the LD continues to refrain from sex, the HD should probably just leave. But if the HD wants to stay, then they need to motivate the LD to come to the negotiating table. Not into bed. You are exactly correct that denial never triggers desire. But as you admit, it sometimes it triggers a willingness to negotiate that was absent before.

These people are considering a trial separation. Sounds to me like we are pretty close to the final straw.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Holdingontoit said:


> These people are considering a trial separation. Sounds to me like we are pretty close to the final straw.


Going to a hotel for a weekend by yourself and perhaps sleeping in a different room a few nights a week does not sound like a trial separation. That sounds more like allowing some personal space so that each can reconnect with themselves as an individual. But... it also sounds as if the OP is being/feeling rejected and is withdrawing emotionally away from her spouse. 

Ideally the OP's best bet would likely be to invest time in herself by enjoying a hobby and/or some form of self development to improve her overall wellbeing. If that was me and there is easily enough money to get a hotel room for a weekend, I could think of 1000 better things to spend money on that would be related to one of my hobbies like racing drones. That way I am spending money on something I will enjoy and have a lot of fun on my own versus just spending money to sleep away from my spouse. 

Badsanta


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Your strategy of a few nights apart isn't going to help anything, it will just give him more opportunity to work his way through his extensive porn library.

I hate to say it but if he's into porn more than he's into you, it's going to be next to impossible to change that.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> *what you are doing is nothing more than a precursor to separation!
> 
> You'd be far better off committing to a regimen of intensive marriage counseling rather than sleeping in separate rooms!
> 
> To even try to preserve a marriage, togetherness is the order of the day, not separation! *


bingo!


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