# If you love me, you'll turn off the lights.



## pajanimals (Aug 1, 2012)

My husband and I had a great sex life. We would have sex at least once a day, and usually it was me who wanted it even more.

I got pregnant with our baby unexpectedly, and oh Lord my body went to hell in a handbasket. Stretch marks, everywhere. Deep, disgusting, four inch long stretch marks. I have a wrinkle down my stomach. My once beautiful breasts are no longer so cute. Everything stretched, and what's even more disheartening is that a few other young girls I know had babies all around the same time... all of them look exactly like they did pre-baby. I had tried to diet because I literally had no time to work out as my husband is in the military and we live far from home and had no help.

Besides being exhausted, I felt ugly. Disgusting, actually. I would look in the mirror and just hate myself. Not just an, "Ew." Deep, gutteral disdain for my body. This ugly shell that I'm trapped in and can't seem to get out of, when once I was so confident, well, it just feels like the mirror breaks everytime I stand in front of it. The worst part is that I don't want to feel this way. I know my body is, and always will be beautiful. Not because of how I feel or of how society frames me, but because I gave birth to the most amazing little person this world has ever seen. I'm now pregnant with our second.


Meanwhile... Pre-marriage, even though I had quite a lot of confidence and felt pretty, I knew I wasn't exactly my husband's type. I'm 5'1 with large breasts, and I have always been very curvy. Obviously, my husband didn't mind this, but all the girls he had gone for before me were very slim, with an athletic build. It kind of used to bother me even BEFORE I lost my body. 

Sex now, even though he's interested still, feels like a chore because I feel so ugly. Everything he touches on me, I wish was different. I try to envision that I'm beautiful again. And I keep trying, to no avail. Foreplay turns into conversation about turning off the lights. That way at least it'll be easier for him to envision I'm pretty. He tells me I'm beautiful, but honestly, I KNOW that he's only saying it because he loves me and wishes I didn't feel the way I do. But he knows that I have legitimate reason to mourn my sexiness. Haha.

The amount we have sex has changed drastically. We have sex now about once a week... if that, and that is only because I force myself to suck it up. He would never cheat on me, but his sex drive is much higher than mine, and I know that he masturbates to porn. And those girls are exactly what he wants. I almost wish he WOULD have an affair. That way at least I could feel like he was happy.


I guess this was a bit of a rant. I was just looking for an outlet and some thoughtful commentary. I don't feel that I really have anyone to talk to about how I feel. 

Thanks for listening, lol.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

You need to get a handle on this ASAP. I think it's a shame that women feel such tremendous pressure especially after such a life (and body) changing experience. I had one child very young and even though I got stretch marks (that's inevitable if you are going to get them you will) my body was able to recover much more quickly and it wasn't perfect but nothing like the way it was after the second which drastically changed me.

However you need to get passed this. I don't think it's helpful that you reject your husband or that he masturbates to porn with women with 'perfect bodies' etc. everytime you reject your husband you miss out on important bonding and the release of major oxytocin which will help keep you sexually bonded and in love. Every time he opts for the porn it's the same deal.

Even though it's hard try to stay sexually focused on each other. Flirt like crazy and enjoy each other. Do not grow apart from one another because of body hang ups. 
Get some counseling if need be.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DDC (Jul 16, 2012)

Self-sabotage much?

You have a husband who wants to have sex with you and tells you you're beautiful to him but YOU know he's lying to make you feel better. 

You have a husband who wants to have sex with you and tells you you're beautiful but YOU know he would rather masturbate alone in front of a computer.

You have a husband who wants to see his wife while he makes love but YOU know the only he can enjoy sex is with the lights off.

This is entirely your issue but you're making it your husbands issue too. Your selfish, self-pitying behavior will eventually drive him away and create distance in your relationship and this will be entirely your fault.

But my guess is that when this happens you'll blame yourself, but for the wrong reasons. You'll "prove" to yourself that he wasn't attracted to you because of your stretch marks, when in reality, he wasn't attracted to the needlessly insecure mess of a woman you VOLUNTARILY went out of your way to become.

Well guess what? Very few men desire air brushed perfection. But what we do desire is a partner who wants us and feels confident with their body. Confidence is sexy. Self-loathing pity-party victim-hood is not. 

Get some counseling for yourself immediately before your problem seriously affects your marriage.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

DDC I think that's very harsh. Have you had you body change drastically because of pregnancy? If not you won't understand how difficult it really is. That came across as very unempathetic. I don't think the OP wants this. If she did she wouldn't be here. To call her selfish is not OK.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## humanbecoming (Mar 14, 2012)

From a man...

Yes, we see that your body is different after childbirth.... Who gives a rats ass? Ever seen a dog ugly porn actress? Of course not. Trying to compare yourself to an image enhanced, computer perfected product is unfair to your husband AND yourself. We just want our wives to want us.... Do you AND him a favor, turn on all the lights, tear off both of your clothes, and do him like a starving person on Thanksgiving day. 

When you are done, take a good, long look at his face.... See any disgust there?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

LittleDeer advice is pretty spot on. Men want to feel desired and wanted. He can tell you all day how much he loves you and wants you. But if you are beating yourself all day you can't hear him telling you this let alone believe him. These issues are yours to work out. He can help by staying positive and reassuring you daily. Good luck ,
keep your chin up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wilburnter (Aug 1, 2012)

I had one child very young and even though I got stretch marks


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## DDC (Jul 16, 2012)

*LittleDeer* said:


> DDC I think that's very harsh. Have you had you body change drastically because of pregnancy? If not you won't understand how difficult it really is. That came across as very unempathetic. I don't think the OP wants this. If she did she wouldn't be here. To call her selfish is not OK.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am telling her the honest truth and sometimes the truth hurts. She is driving her husband away and the distance she is creating between her and the man who loves her is her fault. This is the man who fell in love with her and wanted kids with her. He doesn't deserve to be given the cold shoulder and have his words misinterpreted by someone unwilling to hear them. The fact is he thinks his wife is beautiful and wants to have sex with her and she's doing her best to convince him otherwise. 

If you want to support her in being "the victim" that is your choice. In my experience, I've found enabling victim behavior to be counter-productive. This is also why women frequently get such bad advice from their friends. Because instead of being real and honest with them and telling them what they need to hear, they instead tell them what they want to hear and empathize to the point of being completely unhelpful.

This is why I suggested counseling to help her work on her serious self-esteem issues before it damages her marriage.


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## DDC (Jul 16, 2012)

humanbecoming said:


> From a man...
> 
> Yes, we see that your body is different after childbirth.... Who gives a rats ass? Ever seen a dog ugly porn actress? Of course not. Trying to compare yourself to an image enhanced, computer perfected product is unfair to your husband AND yourself. *We just want our wives to want us.... Do you AND him a favor, turn on all the lights, tear off both of your clothes, and do him like a starving person on Thanksgiving day. *
> 
> When you are done, take a good, long look at his face.... See any disgust there?


Exactly.


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## missmolly (Jun 10, 2012)

Confidence IS sexy - look at how it is espoused in the 180.
Out of context here I know, but nevertheless true.
I think that DDC and LittleDeer both make good points.

If you can't learn to cope with a post pregnancy body, how on earth will you cope with aging when everything you own droops!!!
This doesn't mean that I am not sympathetic - I am - but at least at your age you've got something to work with and room for improvement in the future.

And don't underestimate what your husband is saying to you. There are many men who feel that the gift of a child far outweighs a super model body.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You are destroying your marriage and family through your own negative thoughts.


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

The title of this thread is what caught my eye. I am always wary when a statement starts out with "If you love me....". Never seen much good with what generally comes afterwards. I agree with an earlier poster that said to turn on every light, strip buck naked and go to town. If you perceive flaws in your body, take the initiative to change what you can and accept what you can't. If your husband expected you to look exactly like you did before the children, then his expectations needs adjusting. 

As a man, I can never truly know what a woman goes through with all of the changes after pregnancy. I'm sure that for many women like yourself, it can play mental havoc and cause all kinds of self esteem issues. *BUT* as harsh as it seems, earlier comments about driving your husband away can be true. Don't automatically assume that your husband thinks one way even though he has told you that he feels another. Take him at face value until he says or does something to prove otherwise. Eventually, the self denigration and negativity around your body will affect your husband's attitude and seep into the relationship, especially sexually. 

Regarding his porn use, it seems to bother you that he is seeing all of these physically perfect women. I would argue that for most men, it is not necessarily the air-brushed physical qualities of these women that are appealing the most (not to say that a beautiful body is not appreciated). Rather, what appeals to the majority of men the most is the "attitude" of the porn star. While a lot of porn is very unrealistic, it nevertheless reinforces the fantasy of the women that is always eager, willing and ready to have sex and cater to the needs of the viewer. The women of porn are available and confident in what they want and they want YOU (I know, I know....I'm talking about the fantasy of porn, not the reality of the situation). An earlier poster mentioned that there are some dog ugly women of porn. He is correct. Porn is no longer simply the glamour perfect models of Playboy. The "girl next door" type of porn and amateur stuff has grown like crazy over the past decade or so. What is so appealing about this type of porn to men is that these women are just like their wives/girlfriends (stretchmarks, saggy boobs and all) except that they show that they are extremely sexual beings and are immediately available for sex 24/7.
With all of this being said, please do not take this to mean that I would defend his use of porn if it in any way affected his relationship with you. You are and should be his number one priority. 

Lastly, I'll mention that while I am not a woman and have obviously never had a baby destroy my body. I am not a stranger to poor body image. I have struggled with excessive weight for most of my adult life. And I'm talking about significant weight, not 10lbs. I recently decided to do something about it and have lost almost 50lbs. I did this for me. My wife said that she was attracted to me before and she is attracted to me now. And I believe her.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

I think wives out there would be surprised to learn how many affairs and broken marriages result from looking at a mirror.

Everything you say you KNOW about your husband in your post is all your opinion of what he's thinking. Your husband does not think you are ugly, does not see what you see and likely is a very frustrated individual right now. If you sit down and talk to him about this issue, I'll bet that he finds you very attractive and always has, and doesn't wish you were someone else or some other body type. 

When a woman withdraws, the man typical wants to repair things. That's what couples do in a marriage. Yet in this case, there's nothing he can repair. The problem is all in your head with how you view yourself. All the compliments, flowers and kisses in the world aren't going to change how you feel about you. That's only going to lead to frustration and eventual resentment on his behalf, which in turn will lead to the same in yourself. Left to go on for a long period of time, frustration and resentment grow into action, and could result in an affair or a divorce.

Sounds far fetched, but it's not. Trust me on that.

You love your husband, your husband loves you, park all of your pity-party thoughts regarding your body when it comes to him and just have a lot of fun. Sometimes people just way overthink things.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Also, regarding the issue of porn, I'll build on what Zatol Ugot? said.

Yes, it's more about the attitute than the performance. Most of the time I watch porn myself is when I've been turned down sexually a few times. Often what I go looking for is the type of porn that displays the type of sex I was hoping to get or am craving (BJ, vaginal, etc.) from my fiancee. I'm not staring the other woman much, I'm more interested in getting the mental image into my head of my fiancee doing those things for me. Obviously, I'd much rather have the real thing from her, but that's not always an option.

Perhaps that is your husbands case, as you said your sex life dropped off a fair bit. Perhaps he's wanting you badly, but since you're unwilling to provide for him, he's seeking a means to get that mental intimacy he needs elsewhere.


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## triton1984 (Nov 20, 2009)

Start with finding some middle ground, dim the lights...find some sleepwear that allows him access.....but gives you some covering still. There are alot of good points above but the biggest in my opinion is that he wants to feel wanted and desired (and yes I know those are things women want and desire as well). Your lack of confidence and insistence on thinking your ugly, especially if you verbalize that to him, only makes things worse.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Lose the self-esteem about your body, dear. Your husband wants you. Stop telling him to turn out the lights. This is your hang up, not his. If you continue down this path, i'ts going to erode your bedroom life w/ him and pile on more self-esteem issues.

Confidence is key.

If you are not liking your body, start exercising and eat healthier.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

This post makes me very sad. I'm pretty sure you could be my wife 15 years ago.


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

OP.

Initiate sex with your H. Do it at least once a week, every week.

Watch to see if he refuses you, which I'll bet he wont.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

He could also say if you loved me you would leave the lights on!

if you loved me you would .......

bad phrase


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## Inside_Looking_Out (Apr 8, 2012)

*LittleDeer* said:


> DDC I think that's very harsh. Have you had you body change drastically because of pregnancy? If not you won't understand how difficult it really is. That came across as very unempathetic. I don't think the OP wants this. If she did she wouldn't be here. To call her selfish is not OK.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's not harsh...it's the truth, unbiased, free of sugar coating, and all the things that her husband can't say to her. 

I also suffered from this issue for a good while in my own marriage. I had a child and gained a 100lbs. Not once did my husband treat me differently...but I assumed my own thoughts and feelings of self-loathing were also my husband's.

It was not until I finally took ownership of my own feelings and faced down that I felt this way about myself, not my husband...that he was finally able to explain just how hard it was for him.

Because, although he didn't think that way about me, I treated him as though he did. I became resentful of him, over something he had never even done! Can you imagine how hard that must be to live with? How incredibly unfair that is?!

I sincerely hope the OP can get a handle on her emotions, that she does everything within her power to get help. As much as she thinks she would be okay with him having an affair, you are never prepared for the devastation of it. My own situation came to that...fix this now!


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## pajanimals (Aug 1, 2012)

Thank you everyone for your input. Its good to hear some unbiased commentary on how to fix the situation.

As much as it sounds appealing, I think that turning on all the lights and going buck wild isn't going to fix my body image or ultimately help the problem very much. I think slowly coming to terms with my body and forcing myself to suck it up is probably the best route.


One of my hangups that I didn't mention in the original post is that my husband, in an effort of being supportive, always tells me that my body will go back. Now granted, I DO think he's trying to be supportive. However, the insecure little me in the back of my brain wonders if that's him secretly hoping that my body will go back... or if he really does mind how I look, but doesn't much care because I'm not bad in bed, even if I am chubby. Lol. 


I agree that I definitely do need to get a hold on it. However, I disagree with the poster who said I'm having a pity party. I don't feel that I'm a victim, I doubt that you've ever had a DRASTIC, negative change to your body that ultimately came as no fault of your own. It's difficult to grasp, and having low self esteem doesn't mean I'm feeling sorry for myself. It means I want to find a way to mend the issue. I don't WANT to feel this way. Nor am I doing it for attention. 

I think we're actually having sex now as much as a normal couple does, once a week, but I think the problem is that I'm not always game for it like I used to be. Maybe counseling is the best way to go. Maybe staring at myself in the mirror everyday forcing myself to compliment three things will help. 


So does anybody think that if I ask my husband to stop watching porn, it will ultimately help the situation?


Again thank you for all of the opinions!


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your husband will say "the wrong thing" becuase you are making things impossible for him. He loves you, finds you beautiful, and wants you. He is made that way by his creator. Nothing is more poisoinous to a marriage than a wife that tries to use her thoughts to deny her husband the sexual fulfillment that he needs. Regarding porn, he is using that as an outlet for his lack of sexual fulfillment in the bedroom. If you are going to provide him sexual fulfillment to the level he needs within his marriage, then it's fair to ask him to stop using porn. If you are unwilling or unable to do that, it's actually cruel to a man to force him to deny himself a sexual outlet.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I think it is possible to tell the truth without being hurtful or name calling. I used to have "friends" who loved to put me down and then complain that they couldn't be "real" with me. "You don't know how to dress! You need a makeover!" "Nobody cares about your problems, so don't talk about them!" Christ. Where did I find these people?

I often read some posts by members on TAM which make me gasp. No need to take shots at others in order to be honest...I guess not everyone has that skill.

I agree that being insecure will drive a man away and it annoys husbands when their beautiful wives do not like themselves. All my weight goes to my stomach, especially since I am on hormonal birth control. My husband still can't keep his hands off me.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

pajanimals said:


> One of my hangups that I didn't mention in the original post is that my husband, in an effort of being supportive, always tells me that my body will go back. Now granted, I DO think he's trying to be supportive. However, the insecure little me in the back of my brain wonders if that's him secretly hoping that my body will go back... or if he really does mind how I look, but doesn't much care because I'm not bad in bed, even if I am chubby. Lol.


Is he saying that on his own, or he saying that after you make some sort of statement like "I wish I had my old body back" If it's the latter, he's definately being supportive. He's likely being supportive if it's the former as well.




pajanimals said:


> I think we're actually having sex now as much as a normal couple does, once a week, but I think the problem is that I'm not always game for it like I used to be.


Who cares if you are having it as often as the strenge couple down the road? The only normal is what would make you both happy, and having that amount being happy and enthusiastic. I'd say that right now, your sex life is rather crappy, for both of you. 



pajanimals said:


> So does anybody think that if I ask my husband to stop watching porn, it will ultimately help the situation?


No, because I don't think your husband watches porn for the woman, he watches for what he wants from you and can't get. Meanwhile, you don't want to give it as much because he's watching porn.

Break the cycle yourself. You're making to big of an issue out of something that shouldn't be such a big issue. Your low body image is understandable (many women get it) but you need to limit the stress it's putting on your sex life.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

You said you are pregnant with your second right now?

I went through this too. I had two kids 11 months apart. That means effectively being pregnant for 18 months straight and my body didn't look anything like I remembered after that was over.

Not to be overdramatic, but for me it was about what I would expect if I had been mutilated in a car accident or a burning. In the way that I seemed to wake up overnight and wow...whose body is this? And a mourning period for losing what I knew to be old body. 

For me, it took about a year after my last child was born to accept it. I think a lot of the pregnancy hormones had to clear from my brain and I didn't start to really feel like my body was stabilized in its final post-kids shape until around then.

It might sound silly but try to pamper yourself a bit. Get your hair done, buy some clothes that fit your new body, get some new make up. Those things did make me feel slightly better. I went up in size and my body shape changed a bit after having kids. I threw ALL of my pre baby clothes away (to H's horror) because looking at them and knowing they would never look the same on me killed me. It was liberating to throw it all away. I have accepted my new size and buy nice, feminine clothing that makes me feel good to wear.

What the men are saying is true, too. Your H is not as critical of your body as you think. You can't make a rational judgment about what he's thinking right now because you are looking at it from your own broken lenses of self-loathing. Let him have sex with you. If he wasn't attracted to you, he wouldn't want to sleep with you.

Your mind will catch up eventually but you have to take charge of getting yourself there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Trust me. If your husband wants to have sex with you, he still thinks you're beautiful. In his eyes you always are, regardless of the cahnges your body goes through.

That said, a way to push him away and more towards porn and other things is to cut back on the sex with him because of your self image issues.

MAKE the time to deal with it. Have him baby sit while you go to the gym or better yet, BOTH of you go if they have child care or if you can get someone to watch the baby during the week!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

pajanimals said:


> So does anybody think that if I ask my husband to stop watching porn, it will ultimately help the situation?


Even if he does that, it won't change the fact that the main issue lies with YOU not feeling happy about YOUR body. 

So you need to do something to make YOURSELF feel better about it.


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## cuteandshort (Aug 1, 2012)

Hey,

You have my sympathies. I too completely understand what you are going through. I gained weight, and got stretch marks, and oh my... my beautiful body is not what it used to be. I used to feel like I could simply bare a shoulder, and it would drive hubby crazy. A little glimpse, and he would be hot for me.

Then I had kids. My body changed. My self perception of myself changed. I got exhausted. Hormones went wonky. I didn't get enough sleep and then had baby no 2, and gained more weight. and more stretch marks. Stopped taking care of myself and my body. Stopped wearing makeup, and geting my hair cut... wearing comfy mommy clothing.

Oh my. All of it added to my dispair about my body and self image. I was no longer the career woman, working, and dressing professionally, working out and happy with my body.

But this is the thing. It WILL get better. Your kids... who as babies need SOOO much time and attention start to become 2 years old and time starts to free up.

So this is what I did.
1. cheer up and have faith.. you are still beautiful (your hubby is correct).
2. make time for yourself... "me" time. Go do something that makes YOU feel better. Exercise did it for me as I had stopped doing it when kiddies were born. BUT whatever it is.. new hobby, exercise, or pedicure, manicure etc.
3. buy some clothing that is not maternity wear or post maternity wear ... you would be surprised how much it helps
4. hair and makeup... even putting on lipstick helps sooo much
5. Confidence... believe and know.. you are attractive.

So my little one finally is 2 years old. I am FINALLY starting to feel like my old self again. I mean my body has a ways to go to become pre-pregnancy body... but oh my... it just takes time and patience. Dont' worry about the weight.. it can come off. Dont' worry about the stretch marks.. they fade.

Cheer up.... but don't deny hubby sex. Don't wish for him to cheat. He wants YOU. Believe it when it says it.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Candlelight makes lots of post baby bodies look sexy and sensual. maybe start with that.

Would you be with your husband if he talked about your body the way YOU talk about your body?? no? then why are you abusing yourself like that? 

You gave another person LIFE!!! that is beautiful and it's healthy to be proud of the body that carried your little ones!

When you get that urge to pick yourself apart look in the mirror and find SOMETHING,ANYTHING that you like about your appearance and focus on that instead.

And believe me,if your husband wasn't attracted to you he wouldn't want anything to do with you sexually.Men don't typically make it a habit to chase after a woman they find revolting.


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## lifeisnotsogood (Jun 11, 2012)

pajanimals said:


> My husband and I had a great sex life. We would have sex at least once a day, and usually it was me who wanted it even more.
> 
> I got pregnant with our baby unexpectedly, and oh Lord my body went to hell in a handbasket. Stretch marks, everywhere. Deep, disgusting, four inch long stretch marks. I have a wrinkle down my stomach. My once beautiful breasts are no longer so cute. Everything stretched, and what's even more disheartening is that a few other young girls I know had babies all around the same time... all of them look exactly like they did pre-baby. I had tried to diet because I literally had no time to work out as my husband is in the military and we live far from home and had no help.
> 
> ...


LISTEN! 

He is not just saying your beautiful and thinking otherwise. My wife is a lot like you. She gave birth to our 4 children and she has the scars to prove it. Two C-section scars, stretchmarks, etc. She also gained several pounds, but that's life.

If your H is anything like me then he loves every bit of you, stretch marks and all. I would kiss every part of my wife (scars, stretch marks, etc.) and it would turn me on too, but like you, my wife says she feels ugly overweight, etc., so like your H I don't get to see her naked body a lot. I have to turn on the TV in the bedroom so I can catch a glimpse. I don't get to kiss her breasts much either. She doesn't really want me to go down on her either because things down there are different too. I am a mess about it, and I'm sure your H is too. When he tells you that he still finds you beautiful, he's not lying to save your feelings. He really means it. Don't take the passion away, he'll ultimately resent you for it. Accept your new self and share it with him completely. He will appreciate it i'm sure.

And as far as the porn goes, he would rather have you...this I know because I'm living it.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

This all just reinforced that in these situations a guy just can't win. No matter what he says or does he'll come out in the wrong.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> This all just reinforced that in these situations a guy just can't win. No matter what he says or does he'll come out in the wrong.


 super frustrating.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

this post made me sad, OP does't see she is punishing her H for her own low self-esteem. That is why she will REALLY lose his attraction, not because she isn't physically as attractive as she may have once been or as some random chick off the street, but that she is denying him the pleasure of what he does already have and love.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Am I the only one who finds stretch marks more like beauty marks? I think they are symbolic of the efforts a woman has made in her life to bring forth life into this world and they don't bother me in the elast. I actually don't mind them at all and think they add a level of dignity to a woman. That's more of a 'real' woman than what you see on TV or in magazines.


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Am I the only one who finds stretch marks more like beauty marks? I think they are symbolic of the efforts a woman has made in her life to bring forth life into this world and they don't bother me in the elast. I actually don't mind them at all and think they add a level of dignity to a woman. That's more of a 'real' woman than what you see on TV or in magazines.


I don't think I would go so far as to call them beauty marks. If that's the case, I'm gorgeous!. But I do see your point. If you are in a real relationship, small physical imperfections are easily overlooked.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Zatol Ugot? said:


> I don't think I would go so far as to call them beauty marks. If that's the case, I'm gorgeous!. But I do see your point. If you are in a real relationship, small physical imperfections are easily overlooked.


Nevermind overlooked, I think they are embraced. 

I have a bit of a belly on me (started dieting a few days ago, so hopefully not there for long). I know I'm not the most attractive guy because of it (not ugly either, but my belly is an issue), but my fiancee actually likes it. I doubt very much she'd like it if we just met though.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

It's not that I find them beautiful. But I just don't see them. I tend to see and focus on the good. Like her very fine ass legs and breasts. I mean, with an ass like that who has time to notice a belly. It never enters my mind unless she brings it up. And if she's laying on her back it looks basically flat anyway.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> It's not that I find them beautiful. But I just don't see them. I tend to see and focus on the good. Like her very fine ass legs and breasts. I mean, with an ass like that who has time to notice a belly. It never enters my mind unless she brings it up. And if she's laying on her back it looks basically flat anyway.


This. I only notice my fiancees flaws too when she mentions them. My eyes are looking at the assets that I want to see, and she has plenty of them I enjoy seeing!


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## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

Oh how I understand you in the deepest way. I have been there..and in some very small ways still am.

I have struggled for many years with my body-image as well- 3 kids, c-sections, scars, stretch marks, deflated boobs, yep.

It's really something when we, as women, are told how important our looks are to men & then we see ourselves & wonder how on God's green Earth can this be attractive?

I don't believe you are being selfish in a conscious way, at all. 

I actually BELIEVED in my heart of hearts that if I could 'protect' my husband from the trauma of seeing me totally naked, I'd be doing him a grand favor..why would he EVER desire to see my mess of a body? 
It used to be perfect- gymnast-tight, perfect. He fell in love with that me, not this me.

Our sex life was good regardless..but in my head, I was cringing if he'd touch this or that & would hold back because of fear that he might see something gross or be turned off. I don't look like I used to look & he might be as disappointed as I, with how I turned out. 
It always made me cry to think about. Actually, it still does. *tears*

I COMPLETELY understand you & wish I could hug you in reassurance, because guess what. I was wrong. And all the negative self-talk we have been doing is wrong too.
You are BEAUTIFUL. Unique. Special. Because your husband is in love with you, the things that paralyze us, mean zero to them. Really.

When I got to the point where I needed to break through this mind-block, I found everyone here.
I cannot tell you HOW INCREDIBLY HELPFUL it was to learn what happens in the minds of husbands.

I always thought my hubby was 'just being nice because he had to.'

Never in a million years would I have believed when he said he wanted & desired ALL of me, he was dead serious.

Please, please, please, find my thread- I cannot bring the link up, but it's here, in the Men's Clubhouse, I believe, titled-
'Does he really want to see me naked?'

I learned that when we don't open up to our men, they take it somewhat personal & they feel like it means we don't love them or desire THEM enough to get over ourselves & just be present & happy with him- they WANT, more than ANYTHING, for us to let go, be free with them, be enthusiastic & show we want them badly. They want to be desired just as much. It's difficult to express that when we are so self-absorbed. They want us to want them so bad & be so turned on that nothing else matters at that moment.

I know you want your husband right? THAT is the only thing that matters- because once you show him your true desire, he will show you clearly that he DOES NOT GIVE A FLYING F, about any perceived problems you have with yourself.

Just do him, happily & like he's the last man on earth. He will worship you & want you more & more. 
I can bet $ the men (& women) here will agree! 

Once I learned the true thoughts of other men, in my thread, it literally blew me away! 
It took some time to internalize, but it's made it's way into my heart & I'm believing them & my husband & it feels amazing.
Like a weight of a million tons, lifted.

A couple weeks ago, hubby & I had the house to ourselves- we drank, went to the spa & came back. I was only tipsy, but enough to relax & not think too much.
My bathing suit came off & we had a super hot marathon sesh, brightly lit..I was bent, squished, folded, & he happily pounded away..commenting how sexy I am the whole time.
The next day, I realized, our bedroom lights were ON bright the whole time- no dimming, no candles..yikes. 
My sober self freaked out for a quick second- then I recalled how horny & hard he was & how letting go felt SOOOOOO incredible. 

I was his confident, adventurous woman & wanted him so bad. 
That's ALL our men want. Not an unattainable fantasy of perfection, but YOU...he loves YOU, wants YOU-
If You want Him with the same enthusiasm- to him- THAT is perfection.

I KNOW you will make it through this & you both will be so much happier & more light-hearted once you understand that all I've said is absolute TRUTH.

Hugs & the very Best of luck to you both!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> This. I only notice my fiancees flaws too when she mentions them. My eyes are looking at the assets that I want to see, and she has plenty of them I enjoy seeing!


:iagree:


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

karma*girl said:


> Oh how I understand you in the deepest way. I have been there..and in some very small ways still am.
> 
> I have struggled for many years with my body-image as well- 3 kids, c-sections, scars, stretch marks, deflated boobs, yep.
> 
> ...


Excellent post and dead on!:smthumbup: I was actually trying to remember the title of your thread and I was going to suggest that the OP read it. I actually showed it to my wife one night when we were watching TV and a commercial came on that featured a bikini clad model. She made a comment about how she would never look that good. I found your thread and showed it to her. I think it did some good.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

seek psychological help seriously!

tell your husband this exactly

talk it out

and work out together. You two can get in shape together!!!! you can go run come back be sweaty and gross and make love. 

I wish you best of luck


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Zatol Ugot? said:


> Excellent post and dead on!:smthumbup: I was actually trying to remember the title of your thread and I was going to suggest that the OP read it. I actually showed it to my wife one night when we were watching TV and a commercial came on that featured a bikini clad model. She made a comment about how she would never look that good. I found your thread and showed it to her. I think it did some good.


I agree Karma*Girl, perfect post.

My fiancee often says "I wish I could see the woman you see in me." She doesn't think she's attractive either, but I can't get enough of her. She drives me wild.

I wish she could see what I see too, for both of us.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Karma Girl's post ought to be a sticky, it's that good. 

I'm 50, my wife is 48 and has 8 kids. Neither of us has any future as underwear models, but she is more beautiful to me now than when I first saw her on the beach in a bikini at age 16.

She doesn't believe me, either. And her closing off to me has damaged us.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

pajanimals said:


> My husband and I had a great sex life. We would have sex at least once a day, and usually it was me who wanted it even more.
> 
> I got pregnant with our baby unexpectedly, and oh Lord my body went to hell in a handbasket. Stretch marks, everywhere. Deep, disgusting, four inch long stretch marks. I have a wrinkle down my stomach. My once beautiful breasts are no longer so cute. Everything stretched, and what's even more disheartening is that a few other young girls I know had babies all around the same time... all of them look exactly like they did pre-baby. I had tried to diet because I literally had no time to work out as my husband is in the military and we live far from home and had no help.
> 
> ...


I wouldn't trade my wife's stretch marks for all the money in the world. They were earned and earned honestly -- Three beautiful daughters who've all turned out well. 

Don't let popular culture and commercial advertising sell you on the idea that there's only beauty in youth... That's wrong, wrong, wrong.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

humanbecoming said:


> Ever seen a dog ugly porn actress? Of course not.


Yes, yes absolutely I have.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

DDC is on the money in this thread.

Asking your husband to stop viewing porn WHILE you're intentionally sabotaging your sex life isn't a very good idea.

It's just going to add more resentment and the fact that you suggest it validates the "pity party" theory.

YOU have a problem so you seek to adjust your husbands habits ro fix it?

You do need some counseling
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

ocotillo said:


> I wouldn't trade my wife's stretch marks for all the money in the world. They were earned and earned honestly -- Three beautiful daughters who've all turned out well.


This is the point I make with my wife. She gave up her previous body to give us three wonderful kids. That is part of what I see when I see the stretch marks and C-section scars - a wonderful gift she gave to us. That truly makes her than much more attractive to me. I can't rationally or logically explain it, but just know that in my eyes, she is more beautiful now than she was.

Thankfully for me, she is starting to believe it. We had a great experience (similar to karma girls') involving sex in the late afternoon with lots of lights and even more fun. The best part was her being the one to initiate and call herself "TAG's sex kitten". It has been awesome seeing her get there.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> *This all just reinforced that in these situations a guy just can't win. No matter what he says or does he'll come out in the wrong.*


:allhail:


Damn.............


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> This all just reinforced that in these situations a guy just can't win. No matter what he says or does he'll come out in the wrong.


He can't win when it is *her *problem.


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

pajanimals said:


> As much as it sounds appealing, I think that turning on all the lights and going buck wild isn't going to fix my body image or ultimately help the problem very much. It wont make it worse though, and it might help out your hubby, which in turn might help out you. I think slowly coming to terms with my body and forcing myself to suck it up is probably the best route.why do it slowly? are you trying to shut your husband down?
> 
> 
> I agree that I definitely do need to get a hold on it. However, I disagree with the poster who said I'm having a pity party.you ARE having a pity party. the only person I hear complaining about your body is you. I don't feel that I'm a victim, I doubt that you've ever had a DRASTIC, negative change to your body that ultimately came as no fault of your own.So you're trying to say that no one else here has gotten pregnant and gained stretch marks or has gotten fat or has had any kind of surgery or disease that has affected their body appearance but you??? Not only is this a pity party, but its a sh!tty pity party! The audacity ^^ It's difficult to grasp, and having low self esteem doesn't mean I'm feeling sorry for myself. It means I want to find a way to mend the issue. I don't WANT to feel this way. Nor am I doing it for attention. I'm not so sure about that. If you have your hubbys attention, what more is there to worry about?
> ...


Edit after some choice words from the wife: When you start thinking the negative thoughts about your body STOP those thoughts; Think about the compliments your husband gives you instead. Or think about the next pair of shoes you want to buy. Or how much your next paycheck will be. Or anything that can hold your attention.


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

I prefer the lights on because it turns me on to see everything.


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## pajanimals (Aug 1, 2012)

karma*girl said:


> Oh how I understand you in the deepest way. I have been there..and in some very small ways still am.
> 
> I have struggled for many years with my body-image as well- 3 kids, c-sections, scars, stretch marks, deflated boobs, yep.
> 
> ...



This was a wonderful post. I'll look to find your original thread. This gave me hope, which is exactly what I was looking for. Thanks so much  :smthumbup:


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## pajanimals (Aug 1, 2012)

tacoma said:


> DDC is on the money in this thread.
> 
> Asking your husband to stop viewing porn WHILE you're intentionally sabotaging your sex life isn't a very good idea.
> 
> ...


You are rude, and not giving any useful feedback. Honesty is one thing, and is appreciated. YOU need to learn some how to have some compassion and not kick someone who is obviously down and looking for ideas on how to help fix a problem.


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## pajanimals (Aug 1, 2012)

anonim said:


> Edit after some choice words from the wife: When you start thinking the negative thoughts about your body STOP those thoughts; Think about the compliments your husband gives you instead. Or think about the next pair of shoes you want to buy. Or how much your next paycheck will be. Or anything that can hold your attention.



Again, I disagree with the "Pity Party," theory. I KNOW I have a problem that I need to work out. So I'm looking for ideas on how to fix it. Negativity is not the key to helping someone.

I actually read this post earlier today and all day today when I felt like kicking myself, I thought about something else. Seems to be helping a little bit! Thanks for the idea!


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## pajanimals (Aug 1, 2012)

So today was day one of trying to implement some ideas that I received on here today... and I have to say thank you to everyone who took some time out of their day to give some good, honest, helpful feedback. It's good to know I'm not the only woman who has had to deal with self esteem issues this low.

As stated earlier, my husband is in the military and he's actually gone right now until next week. After a lot of internal conflict, and tears, I figured it was time to do something about! My goal is to make a dent in this habit I've created of just beating the ever living crap out of myself by the time he gets back.

I scheduled a babysitter for our son on the day he gets back, and made an appointment to go get my hair and nails done before I go pick him up. Hopefully, with some work and positive thinking I'll be able to show him some pre-baby lovin'. 

I have hope 

And thanks again everybody who gave me well intentioned feedback. I appreciate it. I'll keep this updated and let everyone how it goes down.


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## pajanimals (Aug 1, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> This is the point I make with my wife. She gave up her previous body to give us three wonderful kids. That is part of what I see when I see the stretch marks and C-section scars - a wonderful gift she gave to us. That truly makes her than much more attractive to me. I can't rationally or logically explain it, but just know that in my eyes, she is more beautiful now than she was.
> 
> Thankfully for me, she is starting to believe it. We had a great experience (similar to karma girls') involving sex in the late afternoon with lots of lights and even more fun. The best part was her being the one to initiate and call herself "TAG's sex kitten". It has been awesome seeing her get there.



I've never really had the thought that my husband might honestly think that I'm still beautiful, for two reasons. One, how can someone find me beautiful, when even I think I look like a damn dog? Second, How could he love me now, when this isn't the same girl he married?

This seems to be the most common thing from men on this thread. I think I do need to take what he's saying at face value and stop inserting my insecurities into his compliments. It's nice to get the experiences and input from men who don't know myself or my husband..


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

DDC said:


> This is entirely your issue but you're making it your husbands issue too. Your selfish, self-pitying behavior will eventually drive him away and create distance in your relationship and this will be entirely your fault.
> 
> But my guess is that when this happens you'll blame yourself, but for the wrong reasons. You'll "prove" to yourself that he wasn't attracted to you because of your stretch marks, when in reality, he wasn't attracted to the needlessly insecure mess of a woman you VOLUNTARILY went out of your way to become.
> 
> ...


Exactly right. Little, if anything, is as hot as an enthusiastic partner. Eventually, he will lose interest because of your attitude - something completely within your ability to control.


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## DDC (Jul 16, 2012)

pajanimals said:


> I think I do need to take what he's saying at face value and stop inserting my insecurities into his compliments.


That's a very smart start...


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## DDC (Jul 16, 2012)

DTO said:


> Little, if anything, is as hot as an enthusiastic partner.


Exactly. In my experience, enthusiasm - particularly on a woman's part - trumps everything else. Technique can be taught. Attitude overhauls are another story. So be enthusiastic! 

Men aren't that difficult to understand. We want you women to want us and the very best way you can show this to us is by displaying how much you physically desire us. It makes us feel like men. It makes us feel loved. Done right, it makes us want to do everything in our power to give you everything you want, and do so for right reasons.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

pajanimals said:


> I've never really had the thought that my husband might honestly think that I'm still beautiful, for two reasons. One, how can someone find me beautiful, when even I think I look like a damn dog? Second, How could he love me now, when this isn't the same girl he married?
> 
> This seems to be the most common thing from men on this thread. I think I do need to take what he's saying at face value and stop inserting my insecurities into his compliments. It's nice to get the experiences and input from men who don't know myself or my husband..


When your husband married you, he married you for life. I highly doubt he, or any other husband out there, felt that their wife would keep their 20-year-old body forever. We know we will both grow old together, and that's a good thing.

We fall in love with and marry the person inside the body. Yes, looks are important to a degree, but it's such a small percentage it doesn't matter. If you hang around these boards for a while, you'll see many posts from husbands who find their wives hotter now than they did 20 years ago, despite having aged by two decades, having 2-8 kids and not even really trying anymore to look pretty like they did back in the day. Why? Because we love our wife, not our wife's body. We want to be with and make love to our wives, not a size 4 dress size. If you are loving, meet our needs in bed and do so enthusiastically, husbands have no reason not to be madly in love with their wives (assuming they are doing their fair share in other areas of the relationship as well of course).

Your husband views you as super sexy. Guaranteed. You don't, which is fine, but think of it this way; there is one place on this earth where someone is guaranteed to think you are as beautiful as you felt you were before kids, and that is in the bedroom with your husband. If you want to feel as sexy as you did pre-kids, get into bed with your husband as often as possible, and he'll let you know it.



DDC said:


> Exactly. In my experience, enthusiasm - particularly on a woman's part - trumps everything else. Technique can be taught. Attitude overhauls are another story. So be enthusiastic!
> 
> Men aren't that difficult to understand. We want you women to want us and the very best way you can show this to us is by displaying how much you physically desire us. It makes us feel like men. It makes us feel loved. Done right, it makes us want to do everything in our power to give you everything you want, and do so for right reasons.


A loving partner + sexual needs met enthusiastically = One man who will move a mountain for his wife.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

pajanimals said:


> This was a wonderful post. I'll look to find your original thread. This gave me hope, which is exactly what I was looking for. Thanks so much  :smthumbup:


karma*girl's original thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/45190-does-he-really-want-see-me-naked.html


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your husband is pre-wired to find you beautiful.

Just like you are pre-wired to find your children beautiful. Do you see your children the way oher people see them?

Have faith in your man and follow the advice of the people respond him... Make him feel like the most sexually desired man on earth. You will have a great life if you can follow this advice.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Since most mens primary sexual sense is the visual turning off the lights during sex is like spraying novocaine on his ****.


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