# New User, Please Help Me.



## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

Good Day Everyone-

I decided to join the forum in search for some answers in my marriage.

Two weeks ago my husband of four years, asked me for a divorce out of no where. It hit me like a bomb shell. He stated that he has been unhappy throughout all our marriage and that I am the least affectionate person hes ever been with. That we have nothing in common. Of Course I cried to him and pleaded to give us a few more months, to work out any issues we may have. So for the next week I was the most loving and affectionate wife, except he kept shutting me down saying its too late. 

This went on for about a week.

Fastforward to this past sunday, I went through is phone out of mere suspicion and come to find out hes having an afair with a co-worker. Calling her baby and telling he wants her. Of course we fought and I called her aswell. Last night we talked and he still wanted a divorce saying he didnt love me the way I wanted him too and that I had plenty of opportunities to change and show my love for him.

One problem: I am not a cold person, I love him with all my heart and not sure when I wasnt as affectionate. We also have a 2 year old together that is my full responsibility. So I have nights and weeks where im exhausted from being a mom at home and a corporate partner in the business world but i dont think i neglected him.

Please help me understand what is going on...:scratchhead:


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You might want to ask a mod to move this thread into the Coping with Infidelity section.

This link has a ton of info you need to know

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739

FIRST of all, DO NOT allow him to make you think that you had anything to do with him cheating. No matter what you did, he is 100% responsible for that choice. HE made the choice, so unless you put his penis into her vagina, you had NOTHING to do with it. NOTHING. DO NOT let him blame you at all.

Get STD tested.

Stop being nice to him. Go cold and demand that he make a full disclosure to you about everything he did. You need 100% access to all his emails, phones, bank accounts, credit card statements, computers etc. EVERYTHING. If he refuses, file for divorce, because that *MAY* wake him up. MAY. And if he doesn't wake up, you do not want to be married to him.

He is in what's called the fog, and if you really want to R (think long and hard about that) then your only hope is to snap him out of it, and that will NOT happen if you plead and grovel. HE should be the one pleading and groveling.


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> You might want to ask a mod to move this thread into the Coping with Infidelity section.
> 
> This link has a ton of info you need to know
> 
> ...



He sais the details about the affair are irrelevant and I do not need to hurt myself. He wants the divorce regardless. I dont know if hes testing me or what...


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Mylife1234 said:


> He sais the details about the affair are irrelevant and I do not need to hurt myself. He wants the divorce regardless. I dont know if hes testing me or what...


Who cares what he says?? He's a scumbag cheating liar. He does NOT get to call the shots here.

File for divorce and beat him to it. Show him you're not his doormat. Did you read the link I posted?


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## bagdon (Jun 7, 2013)

I'm so sorry you're here.

Your husband has made a terrible choice in having an affair. I agree with not letting him blame you for that. The affair is a laps in character and selfishness on his part.

I also agree that running behind him and apologizing to him for what you "think" may have brought him to this will actually drive him further away. 

Your husband doesn't know it but he's in a bad place in attempting to discard his wife and child for another woman; he's going to have to look at himself in the mirror everyday after he "wakes up" from this choice...and he will wake up sooner or later. I hope it's with your family still intact. 

Hopefully, through your journey here he will snap out of it and wake up from this fog he's in...hopefully, you will forgive him. Hopefully you both will recover and rebuild your family. You've come to a place where you will not be alone through this very painful and confusing episode of your life. I can attest that the good people of TAM are sincere in the well being of you and your family.

It's a good thing you followed your intuition and went through his phone when you did, otherwise you'd still be in the dark. 

I'm praying for you and your family mylife1234.


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> Who cares what he says?? He's a scumbag cheating liar. He does NOT get to call the shots here.
> 
> File for divorce and beat him to it. Show him you're not his doormat. Did you read the link I posted?


Thank you, I read the link. 

I just honestly dont know where to go from here. He sais he wants to make the divorce as amicable as possible and that he will help me out financially. The no matter what he loves me, just not the way I want to be loved by him. 

Also, he doesnt want to file for divorce till next year. His reason being that we need to take steps and prepare for it i.e. the house, our son, debt, assets. If I do it his way he will give me the house free of fight and I can have my son almost all the time.

This means i will have to live in the same house with him for the next four months, I can barely look at him much less speak to him right now. Obviously he has been sleeping in another room since the affair was uncovered.


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

bagdon said:


> I'm so sorry you're here.
> 
> Your husband has made a terrible mistake in having an affair. I agree with not letting him blame you for that. The affair is a laps in character and selfishness on his part.
> 
> ...


I very much appreciate that. I have been crying for over a week straight and as of sunday ive been in total dismay.


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

After an affair, wouldnt he want to apologize and work it out? Afterall he did cause the affair. His actions are the opposit of what I thought they would be. I thought he would want to work it out not just continue with the divorce aspect.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Mylife1234 said:


> After an affair, wouldnt he want to apologize and work it out? Afterall he did cause the affair. His actions are the opposit of what I thought they would be. I thought he would want to work it out not just continue with the divorce aspect.


Your husband is in something called "the fog". As the other posted suggested, I would go to the Coping with Infidelity forum and get more info. But basically the fog means that your husband's brain is in the clouds. He has a shiny new toy and the glare is making him stupid. He may not be thinking rationally. He is overwhelmed by the excitement of an affair. 

This may go two ways. He may come out of the fog and realize he is losing the most wonderful woman he's ever known (you) or he may still want a divorce. But here's the thing --- he lost the right to call the shots. You do not have to wait around for him to make a decision that is going to impact you. If he says he wants a divorce now, then go on with life as if you are going to get one. Have him stay in that room. Make dinner for you and your son only. Do not do his laundry or run his errends. If he doesn't want to be married anymore then you don't have to pretend to be his wife anymore. If the fog lifts and he wants to reconcile then you can decide if that is what you want to do too. It's time to 180 yourself. 

An in house separation is a special kind of h*ll but you can get through this as long as he respects the fact that you two are still married and he can't just come and go as if he has no responsibilities to you and his son. If he chooses to stay out for days at a time then my advice to you is to buy some heavy duty hefty bags for his crap.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

If he's checked out of the marriage, then no, he won't want to even try to work things out.

Speaking from experience, and I'm not trying to cause you any pain. I was the one who cheated in my marriage. I don't condone my (or your husbands ) behavior, and in both cases, it was a bunch of selfish and morally wrong decisions. In my case, my wife never found out about my two affairs (as far as I know). If she had, however, it wouldn't have changed my decision to end the marriage. In fact, when I made the decision to end the marriage, I was not in an affair, and had no plans to continue things with an affair partner. I just knew that my happiness wasn't going to happen in my marriage. 

If you have any questions, I'd be happy to try to give you any understanding of my situation (which may or may not be relevant to your husbands mindset). Again, I don't condone your husband's behavior in any way; he had numerous other morally correct options that he did not chose to exercise. No matter how bad he felt things were in the marriage, cheating wasn't going to fix anything. That doesn't, however, mean that just because you're willing to reconcile he'll be willing to try to reconcile as well. If that's the case, the best solution for you is likely to do whatever you need to do to process your feelings and protect yourself and your future. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Mylife1234 said:


> He sais the details about the affair are irrelevant and I do not need to hurt myself. He wants the divorce regardless. I dont know if hes testing me or what...


Game on.

You file and do it right away. He doesn't get to call the shots about what happens to you as others have pointed out. He's not running you.

It would infuriate me that he would even SUGGEST we go about his thing his way. He would be served at work and I would be getting support for my child like yesterday.


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## bagdon (Jun 7, 2013)

Mylife1234 said:


> After an affair, wouldnt he want to apologize and work it out? Afterall he did cause the affair. His actions are the opposit of what I thought they would be. I thought he would want to work it out not just continue with the divorce aspect.


Unfortunately, this is not "after" an affair. You just happen to now know about the affair. He's obviously been in this affair for some time as he's already thought through and made plans of how and when to divorce you.

You are hurting from the situation but now is not the time to feel sorry for yourself. It's time to start taking care of yourself and your son. 

I'm a husband and father and I'm repulsed at what your husband is doing to his family; at the same time...I'm a husband and a father and I hope for him to "wake up". He's just a man. We make mistakes...you can't control what he does but you can better yourself and prepare for whatever happens. It's time to start doing what's best for you and your son while he's acting in a way outside the covenant of marriage.


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## evenstar (Jul 26, 2013)

You need to talk to a lawyer pronto. Oh puh-leeeaasse, he will "give" you the house and primary custody if you let him call all the shots? When he's the rotten cheater?

Ugh! And he's trying to justify himself by trashing you, saying you weren't affectionate. It's classic.

Cut him loose and move on. You will ultimately be very glad you did. There are much better ways to spend your life.


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

Thank you Everyone, your words are helping me understand the situation.

That is correct, he sais if I do things his way and wait a few months till out income taxes come in he will make the divorce easy for me and give me the house and custody. If I do it his way, he will make me sell the house and give him 50/50 of everything.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

And you believe the lying cheater because............................???????????????????????????????


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> And you believe the lying cheater because............................???????????????????????????????



Dont know what to beleive. I just called an attorney and am waiting for a call back for an appointment.

Im so confused, if he wants the divorce why not just get it over with? Im willing and able to give it to him. Why drag this out months from now and keep him self in a "miserable" marriage.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Mylife1234 said:


> Thank you Everyone, your words are helping me understand the situation.
> 
> That is correct, he sais if I do things his way and wait a few months till out income taxes come in he will make the divorce easy for me and give me the house and custody. If I do it his way, he will make me sell the house and give him 50/50 of everything.


Listen. He is NOT to be trusted. Nothing he says or does is for real or honest. He doesn't have your best interest at heart or he wouldn't be having an affair and telling you to go kick rocks... would he? Think about it.

Do NOT go along with HIS plans, make your own. You are not living with a partner any longer, he has conveniently turned into your live in adversary. Treat him as such. He doesn't make deals with you, he lost that right when he slept with that other woman. It was planned, all the way down to how he would rid of you and here's something that may make you angry... they probably have planned it TOGETHER. FOR MONTHS.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Mylife1234 said:


> Im so confused, if he wants the divorce why not just get it over with? Im willing and able to give it to him. Why drag this out months from now and keep him self in a "miserable" marriage.


Because the longer he can drag it on the more money he saves. The minute he moves out is the minute he'll need to start supporting two households. He knows you'll be entitled to child support and other financial support on a temporary basis until divorce is final. You did not marry a stupid man. And as long as you "obey" his plan, he won't make it difficult for you. 

What the F ever. 

Glad you are talking to attorney's. At the very least, knowledge is power. Know your rights!


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> Listen. He is NOT to be trusted. Nothing he says or does is for real or honest. He doesn't have your best interest at heart or he wouldn't be having an affair and telling you to go kick rocks... would he? Think about it.
> 
> Do NOT go along with HIS plans, make your own. You are not living with a partner any longer, he has conveniently turned into your live in adversary. Treat him as such. He doesn't make deals with you, he lost that right when he slept with that other woman. It was planned, all the way down to how he would rid of you and here's something that may make you angry... they probably have planned it TOGETHER. FOR MONTHS.


I spoke to her, the affair has been going on for 2 months. She is married with four children and is reconcilling with her husband currently. There was no plans to stay together, it was just fun, apparently.

Either way it doesnt excuse what they did.


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## bagdon (Jun 7, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> It was planned, all the way down to how he would rid of you and here's something that may make you angry... they probably have planned it TOGETHER. FOR MONTHS.


Just the thought of that made me angry 

Don't let your emotions and hurt distort what you really want to do though. I think you should work on keeping yourself above this nonsense that he's doing; for yourself and your son.

Follow the legal advice of your lawyer and go 180 dark on your husband...time to move forward with your life. 

I'm afraid I don't know how to access a link to the 180 list for her; can someone help with that?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Mylife1234 said:


> I spoke to her, the affair has been going on for 2 months. She is married with four children and is reconcilling with her husband currently. There was no plans to stay together, it was just fun, apparently.
> 
> Either way it doesnt excuse what they did.


So they both are cretins.

Isn't that nice. Did her husband know about it? I wouldn't believe anything she said about it either.


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> So they both are cretins.
> 
> Isn't that nice. Did her husband know about it? I wouldn't believe anything she said about it either.


From what she said, she told her husband about my husband but i dont think it was to the extent she should have. Reason I think this is because I told my husband I was going to find hers and let him see all the text messages I have from their exchange. He responded with "dont do that because her husband is a crazy exmarine and you dont want to find ourself in a dangerous situation"


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Mylife1234 said:


> From what she said, she told her husband about my husband but i dont think it was to the extent she should have. Reason I think this is because I told my husband I was going to find hers and let him see all the text messages I have from their exchange. He responded with "dont do that because her husband is a crazy exmarine and you dont want to find ourself in a dangerous situation"


Oh that's just hilarious. Why would YOU have to worry about your safety? It's HIS he should be concerned about. You should have told him he should have thought about that before he boffed the mans wife.

Don't show him your hand, just do what your gut tells you to do. Let him deal with the fall out from it. Her too for that matter. And for the record NO she didn't tell him everything. It's called trickle truth, and cheaters are very well versed in delivering it to their betrayed spouses. It's for cake walking purposes.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

If only you had copied and sent those text messages to yourself... your husband would really be up a creek without a paddle right now...


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> If only you had copied and sent those text messages to yourself... your husband would really be up a creek without a paddle right now...


I have them, I took screen shots. Not all of them but some where they call each other baby and say they miss each other and want each other in a sexual manner (no details).


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Mylife1234 said:


> I have them, I took screen shots. Not all of them but some where they call each other baby and say they miss each other and want each other in a sexual manner (no details).


Great. Print them out. Find out where she lives. Deliver them to her front door on a Sunday afternoon, people are home usually on Sunday.

Maybe you'll get lucky and her husband will answer the door. 

If you aren't that bold, get as much personal info you can on her. The husband needs to know exactly what happened.


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## bagdon (Jun 7, 2013)

I'm not experienced with dealing with infidelity and apparently the other posters had no interest with you implementing the 180. I hope the audacity and rage of the moment doesn't dictate all of your actions. I also recommend you get a good IC to help you sort out your thoughts and feelings. You're going to have to detach yourself emotionally from your husband to think clearly...hating him is not detaching emotionally.

So MYlife1234, what, at this point, do you think you want out of this? I think after you've released some of your rage and hurt (some of which is the passion from other posters who feel your situation) you should take some time to decide what you want for your family. I think you should figure out what you really want then proceed toward that objective.


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## jay1365 (May 22, 2013)

Mylife1234 said:


> Good Day Everyone-
> 
> I decided to join the forum in search for some answers in my marriage.
> 
> ...


I would like to hear his side of the story. These things don't happen overnight. From reading your post, it sounds like you forgot you need to be a wife first, then a mom, then a worker. It also sounds like his pleas to you were ignored.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

jay1365 said:


> I would like to hear his side of the story. These things don't happen overnight. From reading your post, it sounds like you forgot you need to be a wife first, then a mom, then a worker. It also sounds like his pleas to you were ignored.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I sure hope you are NOT implying that anything she did made him cheat. Because if you are, STOP it.


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

jay1365 said:


> I would like to hear his side of the story. These things don't happen overnight. From reading your post, it sounds like you forgot you need to be a wife first, then a mom, then a worker. It also sounds like his pleas to you were ignored.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I dont think anything merits an affair. If that was the case we should have separated before he started the affair.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Mylife1234 said:


> Thank you Everyone, your words are helping me understand the situation.
> 
> That is correct, he sais if I do things his way and wait a few months till out income taxes come in he will make the divorce easy for me and give me the house and custody. If I do it his way, he will make me sell the house and give him 50/50 of everything.


Do not trust him. His word is worthless. Talk to a lawyer AT ONCE, and if you have any evidence of infidelity, hold onto it. 

I don't know whether your marriage is salvageable. He sounds like a jerk. I don't know the backstory or what his side is, but he has no excuse for the affair or the way he rationalized it. But regardless, protect yourself. There's not much you can do right now to "fix" this problem that he has created, so protect yourself.


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## jay1365 (May 22, 2013)

Withholding sex is breaking the marriage contract and is just as bad as infidelity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

No offense to bagdon, but sorting your feelings out through counseling etc. can come AFTER you have taken immediate steps to protect yourself. Your husband cannot, and should NOT be dictating how this all will turn out. He believes he has control of you and what you do and this is completely false. He's still in that fairy tale mentality that he had when conducting his affair. It's empowering to carry on like that and get away with it. Like PBear, I have experience with this first hand, I cheated on my ex. No matter HOW I felt about him or our marriage, that decision was purely selfish and uncalled for. I should have just left his ass and been done with him. 

If you have never done something like this it's difficult to explain how your thought process is when it's happening. I've been on BOTH sides.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

> Withholding sex is breaking the marriage contract and is just as bad as infidelity.


two wrongs dont make right.:rofl:

but nice try though. the funny part is i agree with you, that i view withholding and withdrawing from the physical and intimate parts of a marriage are like vow breaking, but again, the correct way to handle it is to address the issue or get out of the relationship. this is how affairs are justified and its total BS.

there is ALWAYS more to the story, im sure the OP wasnt 'perfect' as NOBODY is. i sure as (&^ aint.


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## akasephiroth (Jul 29, 2010)

Ive been in your shoes and im sorry. My wife filed divorce 2 years ago, I knew she had been with another man even though she wouldn't admit to it and it wasnt until this past week that i finally got the truth. 

Your husband is most likely bored with the marriage. How old are you and him? Is this your's and his first marriage? seen a few tell you to jump in front of him and file the Divorce but as your not really the one wanting this the question falls when you file are you prepared to set terms? Child support visitation ect. I wasnt prepared for that and chances are you wont be ether.

One thing i can say, is 6 years ago i struck my wife out of anger and partial self defense, and according to the divorce paper it took her 4 years to file divorce on the incident that I had worked on and never happened agian. He's gonna dig up your past he's gonna try to make it seem as if this is all your fault you pushed him into the arms of another women but he wont come right out and say it. DO NOT FALL FOR THIS LIKE I DID. The belief that its all your fault will make R take that much longer if thats what your after. Here i am 2 years later still working on mine because I allowed myself to become so insecure that i believed I was to blame for it all.

My advice if he wants the divorce tell him you want a separation first tell him 2-3 months with at least a month of no contact and during this time carry on with your life like normal dont let him see you hurting stick bye the time frame. While Your separated awaiting divorce go on a date, i dont suggest repeating your husbands mistakes but a few dates just for company. Set a date with this being holiday season i would suggest some time in January to sit down with lawyer and draw up the divorce you 2 need to agree on this date. Sometimes it takes time away from what you have to realize what your leaving behind, or in your case time away to realize you might be better off.


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## bagdon (Jun 7, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> No offense to bagdon, but sorting your feelings out through counseling etc. can come AFTER you have taken immediate steps to protect yourself.


 :iagree: Guess I wasn't very clear on that. 

By all means do what you have to do to get yourself in a position to make clear decisions.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> No offense to bagdon, but sorting your feelings out through counseling etc. can come AFTER you have taken immediate steps to protect yourself. Your husband cannot, and should NOT be dictating how this all will turn out. He believes he has control of you and what you do and this is completely false.


Absolutely right. The guy has already cheated AND dropped the "D" bomb, and is trying to dictate the way things will go. First priority at that point is to protect yourself.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Please you call the shots not HIM! I would implement the 180 and disclose to everyone what he is doing including his work place.


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

Good Morning Everyone-

Thank you for your advice and comments. I did tell him I wanted the divorce now, there is no pointing in waiting a few months if the outcome is the same. He was actually upset at first and they tried to spark up a conversation every chance he got. I am going 180 on him. He is taking the affair lightly and continues to say " Im sorry I got caught" thats not the same as Im sorry for what I did. 

Waiting for the attorney to call me back. I feel hes being a bully, you guys are right I dont have to listen to him.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Mylife1234 said:


> Good Morning Everyone-
> 
> Thank you for your advice and comments. I did tell him I wanted the divorce now, there is no pointing in waiting a few months if the outcome is the same. He was actually upset at first and they tried to spark up a conversation every chance he got. I am going 180 on him. He is taking the affair lightly and continues to say " Im sorry I got caught" thats not the same as Im sorry for what I did.
> 
> Waiting for the attorney to call me back. I feel hes being a bully, you guys are right I dont have to listen to him.


Good for you! Forge ahead with your plans. And his comment is really pathetic. It also points to something else... had he not gotten 'caught' by you, wouldn't it still be going on? I may be reading too much into it, and I know you said you talked to the OW and she said they had broken it off, but his words share more than he probably wants them to. I don't believe they are as 'done' as she told you they were.

Finding out about an affair that happened in the past 2 months that is over is one thing. Getting CAUGHT in the middle of one however is another.


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

Its really awful. I love him but I hate him.

I dont think hes being remourseful. If thats the correct word. Maybe he doesnt take me serious about the divorce....


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

akasephiroth said:


> Ive been in your shoes and im sorry. My wife filed divorce 2 years ago, I knew she had been with another man even though she wouldn't admit to it and it wasnt until this past week that i finally got the truth.
> 
> Your husband is most likely bored with the marriage. How old are you and him? Is this your's and his first marriage? seen a few tell you to jump in front of him and file the Divorce but as your not really the one wanting this the question falls when you file are you prepared to set terms? Child support visitation ect. I wasnt prepared for that and chances are you wont be ether.
> 
> ...


Hi-

Im not worry about him digging up my past. I have nothing to hide nor have done anything to him. Im not sure this can be worked out. Could I ever trust him again? Also, They work together whats to keep them from continuing the affair....:scratchhead:


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

jay1365 said:


> Withholding sex is breaking the marriage contract and is just as bad as infidelity.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hi Jay-

First, my husband has the most comfortable life there is. All I expect him to do is work (bring home a check) and keep his **** in his pants. He is in the position he is in today making the salary he makes because my family business and contacts.

Second, our son is my whole responsibility, he is in charge of our dog. 

Third, we have a maid and help sooooo he doesnt life a finger anywhere at anytime.

So when I come home exhaused from commuting 2 hours to my office amd two hours back, dropping of our kid at school, and studying to finish my MBA no I do not what to have sex, I wanna sleep a few hours. THIS does not merit an affair.

Now Im getting angry....


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Mylife1234 said:


> Its really awful. I love him but I hate him.
> 
> I dont think hes being remourseful. If thats the correct word. Maybe he doesnt take me serious about the divorce....


I think you are correct on both accounts. He's NOT remorseful and has said so. He feels bad about getting caught, which is NOT being apologetic and showing remorse for what he's done. And no, he's not taking you seriously about the divorce. Why? Well he thinks he's got you under control. That your emotional attachment to him will prevent you from making logical and practical decisions. He surely feels you will let him have his way 100% because you love him and are weak.

You have to show him you mean business regardless of how you feel (which will change by the hour and day). Use your head and not your heart. You can mourn your marriage being over AFTER you execute your plans.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Hi Mylife, 

You know he has been trying to manipulate your situation by lying. Do not fall for the lie that the OW's husband is violent and crazed. That's a common cheater's lie, to protect their AP. If he was so violent, she wouldn't be treating the situation so lightly. That's just more manipulation by them, so you won't disturb their A.
Get the OWH the information! He deserves to know the truth about his marriage too. 

Good luck.

BTW, You did nothing to cause this! You don't have to listen to that crap. Your H is 100% at fault!

Here this may help...
The Healing Heart: The 180


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## bagdon (Jun 7, 2013)

Mylife1234 said:


> Its really awful. I love him but I hate him.
> 
> I dont think hes being remourseful. If thats the correct word. Maybe he doesnt take me serious about the divorce....


Do the 180 and really buy into the concept; make it a part of you. It has to be real and you must remain patient and consistent. Emotions are going to reek havoc inside of you but stay the course. 

I believe if you really apply the 180 in the "spirit of love" there will be positive results for you and your family... whatever happens. I believe something may finally snap and wake up inside of him as you consistently respect yourself and your son.

Keep in mind that The 180 is for YOU. It's not meant to manipulate your husband. You can only control your actions not anyone else's. You can handle whatever happens.


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

anchorwatch said:


> Hi Mylife,
> 
> You know he has been trying to manipulate your situation by lying. Do not fall for the lie that the OW's husband is violent and crazed. If he was so violent, she wouldn't be treating the situation so lightly. That's just more manipulation by them, so you won't disturb their A.
> Get the OWH the information! He deserves to know the truth about his marriage too.
> ...


You think I should tell her husband? Is it really worth breaking up another family, especially one with 4 kids. Shes a **** and I was just thinking of taking the high road, she will get hers someday.


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

bagdon said:


> Do the 180 and really buy into the concept; make it a part of you. It has to be real and you must remain patient and consistent. Emotions are going to reek havoc inside of you but stay the course.
> 
> I believe if you really apply the 180 in the "spirit of love" there will be positive results for you and your family... whatever happens. I believe something may finally snap and wake up inside of him as you consistently respect yourself and your son.
> 
> Keep in mind that The 180 is for YOU. It's not meant to manipulate your husband. You can only control your actions not anyone else's. You can handle whatever happens.


Thank you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Mylife1234 said:


> _You think I should tell her husband_? Is it really worth breaking up another family, especially one with 4 kids. Shes a **** and I was just thinking of taking the high road, she will get hers someday.


*Yes. Tell her husband. *Today. You *do this without warning your husband OR her* as soon as possible.

Read my signatures below my name -- the one called "Exposure Letter." There's a ton of info on how to do it.

The affair is thriving because it's a secret. Once you expose it to her HUSBAND, you pull the veil off the affair. 

Sit back and watch. I'll grab some popcorn we can share.


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## bagdon (Jun 7, 2013)

Oh! Don't let him know anything about TAM right now. He will eventually notice that your change is real and try to figure out how.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

*Mods, can you move this thread to Coping with Infidelity? *

She will get a lot more help/useful info in there.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> *Yes. Tell her husband. *Today. You *do this without warning your husband OR her* as soon as possible.
> 
> Read my signatures below my name -- the one called "Exposure Letter." There's a ton of info on how to do it.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Go there. Without apology or warning. Please.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

The high road would be to tell the other betrayed spouse. To inform them that their marriage has been trespassed upon. He needs this information as much as you. This will allow him to decide for himself what he and his family's future should be. If he doesn't know, his future will be controlled by the lies of the affair partners. Do not be complicit in this deceit and leave him in a false marriage. Let him have the truth, so he can decide if he wants to R or D.

Here's the 180 again...
The Healing Heart: The 180


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

What is bothering me the most is he wont tell me details...I ask and all I get is "its irrelavent". I hate that word so much.
I want to know what happened, where, and why....

Should I hold my breath?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Don't expect anything from him. He has no remorse, doesn't care about what you need and is only interested in his selfish wants. He would only lie at this point anyways. 

Follow the 180 list. Print it out and live it every day. 

Read this too...http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You cannot force him to tell you, but the fact he refuses and is so condescending shows you how much of an ******* he is.

Have you read up on the 180? You really REALLY need to start doing it.

Also have you done any sleuthing? That's the only way to know the truth.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

He found a piece of ass, and will find any and all reasons to blame it on you...this has NOTHING to do with you, this is HIS weakness, his inability to be honest, his unwillingness to communicate any supposed "unhappiness" and just let it lead to affair

he ***ked up, cheated, and is rewriting history to justify it...he aint worth the time to try and R imo...


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

Yes.

I am doing the 180 and i just read the link the above user sent me about letting him go.

I have done my research, I know enough about her. I actually went crazy the night I found out I called her from his phone, like 10 times, he had her work number. I didnt realize it was her work number, thought it was a cell phone. Because he works for a large corporation, they had a mediation at Human Resources, she thinks I am harrasing her and my husband could loose his job. I havent called her since.

He was so pissed. She called me back that afternoon and told me they never had sex, I dont belive it. why would they be calling each other "Baby" saying "I miss you and want you by my side" and making sexual jokes if they havent had sex...


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Well, if you were doing the 180 correctly, you'd be posting all about yourself and not about him or her.


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## akasephiroth (Jul 29, 2010)

Mylife1234 said:


> Hi-
> 
> Im not worry about him digging up my past. I have nothing to hide nor have done anything to him. Im not sure this can be worked out. Could I ever trust him again? Also, They work together whats to keep them from continuing the affair....:scratchhead:


There could be the smallest things, ive been there and done this during our split It was tossed up once about how I too had Emotionally cheated on my wife with Cristina Scabbia (lead singer of lacuna coil) i apparently had a love affair with this woman because I listened to her (sing) more then i did my wife....The point im making is not that you may have done something in the past to hurt him from my experience the cheater will try to make you feel some what responsible for the affair DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN!!!!


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Mylife1234 said:


> I am the least affectionate person hes ever been with.


See, this might be 100% true, but it is irrelevant when you DO NOT COMMUNICATE THIS TO YOUR SPOUSE. Marriage is a work in progress and we all need feedback to grow.

Don't let him turn any of this back on you.


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## akasephiroth (Jul 29, 2010)

Mylife1234 said:


> What is bothering me the most is he wont tell me details...I ask and all I get is "its irrelavent". I hate that word so much.
> I want to know what happened, where, and why....
> 
> Should I hold my breath?


No dont hold your breath dont wait!!!! you want details push him for them, he dont wanna give them too you fine stand your ground its his term to give not demand make that known. 

I made the mistake of not pushing for details when we reconciled and 2 years later the details came back to bite me. 
When i finally had the details the horrors in my mind of the event was 10x worse then what happened and because I waited so long it was hard to except anything other then these image's i had built for myself.


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

akasephiroth said:


> There could be the smallest things, ive been there and done this during our split It was tossed up once about how I too had Emotionally cheated on my wife with Cristina Scabbia (lead singer of lacuna coil) i apparently had a love affair with this woman because I listened to her (sing) more then i did my wife....The point im making is not that you may have done something in the past to hurt him from my experience the cheater will try to make you feel some what responsible for the affair DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN!!!!


Ah Understood. 

That he is doing, I am being blamed in all aspects. He creams at me and gets in my face and tells me its my fault.


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## akasephiroth (Jul 29, 2010)

Mylife1234 said:


> Yes.
> 
> I am doing the 180 and i just read the link the above user sent me about letting him go.
> 
> ...



Believe it are not this does happen its called an Emotional Affair. However with his refusal to give you any details about the relationship its hard to believe it was only an EA.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

mylife

You are in the angry stage. And that is ok. Vent her to us.

Not to him.

Do the 180 to make life better for you, not him.

Meet with the attorney. Know your rights and what you and your son are entitled too.

Of course your H wants to delay the D. He will do what is best for him financially, not you.

And yes, expose the OW to her H. But do it when you feel ready. You need to be cool, calm and dispassionate.

Exposure is not about revenge or people losing their jobs.

Exposure is to let the battered spouse know what is going on in their marriage so they can make informed decisions.

And remember this. There is nothing wrong with you. Cheaters lie and rewrite their marriage so they can condone the affair in their own minds.

You sound like a great catch and will be fine in the long term.


Keep posting.


HM


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## akasephiroth (Jul 29, 2010)

Mylife1234 said:


> Ah Understood.
> 
> That he is doing, I am being blamed in all aspects. He creams at me and gets in my face and tells me its my fault.


have you asked him to explain how this is your fault?


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> mylife
> 
> You are in the angry stage. And that is ok. Vent her to us.
> 
> ...


Thank you. you have no idea how all your messages are helping me cope. I havent told anyone yet and its killing me.


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

akasephiroth said:


> have you asked him to explain how this is your fault?


He sais im a horrible wife.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

jay1365 said:


> Withholding sex is breaking the marriage contract and is just as bad as infidelity.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You've got to be kidding. I'd have to assume that you've never been cheated on. I've had to deal with both, and I can tell you that the withholding of sex is not even close to having to endure the pain of infidelity.

Lack of sex may be enough to divorce over, but it's just a selfish behavior; cheating is selfish and immoral.

OP, in *NO* way are you responsible for your husband's cheating.


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## happened2me (Oct 5, 2013)

Mylife1234 said:


> You think I should tell her husband? Is it really worth breaking up another family, especially one with 4 kids. Shes a **** and I was just thinking of taking the high road, she will get hers someday.


ABSOLUTELY. If her family breaks up it's due to THEIR actions NOT YOURS. If it were you wouldn't you want to know?


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## akasephiroth (Jul 29, 2010)

Mylife1234 said:


> He sais im a horrible wife.


How? he needs to explain....how are you a horiable wife? can he provide you examples of things you done? 

If he gives you a reason/example then ask a few questions and be truthful Did you do it? if yes then how could you fix it? if no then why does he believe it so? the answer to the latter could be as simple as he is projecting his own misdoing onto you.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Please please tell her husband... if you found out the other spouse had known and not told you wouldn't that just p!ss you off!
He deserves to know WHO he is married to and sharing his bed with.
And IF he is an ex-marine...we all know who REALLY needs to worry. 

BTW..saying the OWH is a violent mad man is a common line with cheaters to stop exposure.... I've seen it many times on TAM. Cheaters follow something called ' The Script'. They all use the same stupid lines and lies.

Please don't believe anything your hubby says... all cheaters lie... that's how they can do the whole double life thing. All he cares about right now is protecting himself. 

I imagine your hubby will get mad a lot in the near future. He was making ALL the rules and being the boss of EVERYTHING and now you're not playing along with his game.

But don't allow him to scream in your face, that's abuse...walk away.
Show him your over his bullyish and childish behaviour

When are you seeing your lawyer?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Try hard to follow the 180 for your own good.

See a lawyer ASAP and get the divorce started.

Do not take his bait when he is in your face. Simply say, 'We are getting divorced. There is no need to talk this way.'

And when you are stronger, definitely let the OWH know about the extent of the affair. He has as much right as you do to know these things so that he can make informed choices about his life.

Again, 180!


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

akasephiroth said:


> How? he needs to explain....how are you a horiable wife? can he provide you examples of things you done?
> 
> If he gives you a reason/example then ask a few questions and be truthful Did you do it? if yes then how could you fix it? if no then why does he believe it so? the answer to the latter could be as simple as he is projecting his own misdoing onto you.


His sais Im not affectionate with him and he feels insignificant.

Which i think is total BS.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Mylife, Why haven't you told anyone? Where is your family? Where is his family? You need a support group. That's what they're for. Do you have a church?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Mylife1234 said:


> Waiting for the attorney to call me back. I feel hes being a bully, you guys are right I dont have to listen to him.


This happens a ton. What he is trying to do, IMO, is get a bad or hasty reaction out of you. If you are hurt or acting illogically maybe you'll hit him, break stuff, act crazy or make a bad decision that benefits him leaving. You want to stay as calm as possible and not play into his blame shifting.

Get a Voice activated recorder, tape all of your interactions and then go quiet.


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

anchorwatch said:


> Mylife, Why haven't you told anyone? Where is your family? Where is his family? You need a support group. That's what they're for. Do you have a church?


No havent told anyone. I need to sit down with my parents and let them know whats going on and I plan to do so this weekend.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

akasephiroth said:


> How? he needs to explain....how are you a horiable wife? can he provide you examples of things you done?
> 
> If he gives you a reason/example then ask a few questions and be truthful Did you do it? if yes then how could you fix it? if no then why does he believe it so? the answer to the latter could be as simple as he is projecting his own misdoing onto you.


The marital issues have to be on the back burner now. If at some point you decide to R with your husband, you should circle back and address them. But only after, he receives and accepts the full consequences for his cheating.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Mylife1234 said:


> His sais Im not affectionate with him and he feels insignificant.
> 
> Which i think is total BS.


Right, that's a reason to find another woman. 

God forbid he find a marriage counselor. 

Don't believe his justification.

A marriage is 50/50. An affair is 100% on the WS


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

badmemory said:


> The marital issues have to be on the back burner now. If at some point you decide to R with your husband, you should circle back and address them. But only after, he receives and accepts the full consequences for his cheating.


Yea well right now hes not accepting anything. As a matter of fact, when he kept trying to speak to me yeaterday and I would igone him... he sais " I had an affair are you going to keep bringing it up all the time".

You guys/gals dont understand this man is stuborn and reluctant.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

How are you holding up during this? Sleeping? Eating? Do you need to see your MD?


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

Mylife1234 said:


> Yea well right now hes not accepting anything. As a matter of fact, when he kept trying to speak to me yeaterday and I would igone him... he sais " I had an affair are you going to keep bringing it up all the time".
> 
> You guys/gals dont understand this man is stuborn and reluctant.


This is why you need to ignore him ... just like the 180 teaches. He is in a very, very selfish state at the moment. Don't pay attention to him. Work on yourself and your children. You can't control what he does ... only what you will tolerate.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Mylife1234 said:


> Yea well right now hes not accepting anything. As a matter of fact, when he kept trying to speak to me yeaterday and I would igone him... he sais " I had an affair are you going to keep bringing it up all the time".
> 
> You guys/gals dont understand this man is stuborn and reluctant.


All the more reason to implement the 180 to detach, and move forward with D. I doubt there's anything that's going to change his mindset, but if there is, that's it.


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

anchorwatch said:


> How are you holding up during this? Sleeping? Eating? Have you seen you MD?


Im an emotional wreck. From Sunday till today, I had one egg McMuffin from Mcdonals and some chips last night. I am constantly up at all hours of the night, husband is sleeping on the couch.


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## akasephiroth (Jul 29, 2010)

Mylife1234 said:


> His sais Im not affectionate with him and he feels insignificant.
> 
> Which i think is total BS.


Are you? Do you come in from work tired everyday and just pass each other with simple hello's? Whens the last time you told each other I love you? but he's not off the hook still whens the last time he sent you random text just to see how your doing or asked about your day? The ultimate question to ask is are you more like roommates now then a married couple?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Mylife1234 said:


> Im an emotional wreck. From Sunday till today, I had one egg McMuffin from Mcdonals and some chips last night. I am constantly up at all hours of the night, husband is sleeping on the couch.


Talk to your parents.

Go to a Dr. and explain the stress you are under and why. Get some meds to cope.

Get this crap off your chest and take care of yourself.

ANd I know in the back of your mind you hear his voice saying you are a failure.

Do not believe a word he says. *He is a cheater and a liar.* Why on earth would you even give thought to any of his BS.

HM


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

akasephiroth said:


> Are you? Do you come in from work tired everyday and just pass each other with simple hello's? Whens the last time you told each other I love you? but he's not off the hook still whens the last time he sent you random text just to see how your doing or asked about your day? The ultimate question to ask is are you more like roommates now then a married couple?


Thats exactly thr word he used roomates. 

No we always say hello and eat dinner on the couch or dinning room together.

Also, we talk all day every day through messenger and I call him everyday for lunch and when I get out of work. I end atleast one conversation with I love you and I wont hang up till he sais it back...he always does.


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## lewmin (Nov 5, 2012)

As others have said, you need to get to the OWH..and here is why (take it from experience).

First point - the other woman told you that she already told her own husband and they are reconciling. I doubt it..why would she expose the affair to her own husband if she does not have to? Especially since they work together, why break up a good thing? This is her way to tell you not to bother to expose, she has already done it. (of course not true)

Second point - your husband telling you that the OWH may go ballistic and possibly on you..well that's not true and even if he is a "headcase" I do not recall any instance on TAM where you, the innocent female be in phyical danger...now your husband, that's another story, may be he will be scared...so good for him. (Maybe a black eye would be wake up call)

Now by you calling the OW ten times, there is a slight chance that she may tell her husband now that there is some crazy woman harrassing me about some guy...and telling him if he gets a call or if you try to contact you, don't pay attention.

So as others have said, take your proof, and make sure it gets in the OWH hands and is not intercepted. Since they work together, this may be what is needed to kill the affair, and make life miserable for the guilty parties and eventually get your husband out of the fog. The OM may not allow her WW back to work if he wants to salvage his own marriage.

But it's got to be up to you to call the shots, not your husband. He is so far gone right now. 

By the way, a VAR will also show you that his affair has gone physical...so you may want to do this anyway...or hire a PI.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

akasephiroth said:


> Are you? Do you come in from work tired everyday and just pass each other with simple hello's? Whens the last time you told each other I love you? but he's not off the hook still whens the last time he sent you random text just to see how your doing or asked about your day? The ultimate question to ask is are you more like roommates now then a married couple?


Look, I'll say it again. Her husband just committed adultery. She didn't, her husband did. Until that's dealt with properly, unless he accepts consequences and demonstrates remorse, and unless she decides to attempt R, there's no need to worry about anything else.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Get yourself something like Ensure and choke it down if you have to. You need some nutrition. And again, do the 180. Stay civil, but business only. If he asks if you're going to be 'harping' on his affair forever, you say, 'Of course not. We're getting divorced, so in the end it doesn't matter.' 180. For your sanity and strength.


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## Working1 (Sep 28, 2013)

Mylife1234 said:


> From what she said, she told her husband about my husband but i dont think it was to the extent she should have. Reason I think this is because I told my husband I was going to find hers and let him see all the text messages I have from their exchange. He responded with "dont do that because her husband is a crazy exmarine and you dont want to find ourself in a dangerous situation"


Ha! I heard this same reason not to contact the OW's husband! He is crazy and he abuses her! :rofl::rofl::rofl: 
None of it was true, yeah he was really really mad and upset, abuser?? no.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

We do understand how he is! He is a WS, they are weak. That's why they run away from their problems. They can't take responsibility. That's why he's putting all of it on you. That's why you can be stronger than him and destroy his fantasy. Expose him to his parents and your's. Expose him to the OWH. Do you have adult children, tell them too? It's all going to come out anyways. Put the pressure on him and take back control of your life. Go through with the D filing too. 

Get to the store and buy cans of Ensure. Drink them to keep your calorie count up. That will help keep you from getting sick and with weight loss.
Get some benadryl or OTC sleep meds for rest. With out sleep and food you're going to get sick. Your family needs you well to get through this. Make an appt with you MD ASAP, get something for stress.


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> Get yourself something like Ensure and choke it down if you have to. You need some nutrition. And again, do the 180. Stay civil, but business only. If he asks if you're going to be 'harping' on his affair forever, you say, 'Of course not. We're getting divorced, so in the end it doesn't matter.' 180. For your sanity and strength.


Going to use that line tonight....Im sure it will come up.

He told me last night "How come your not eating? What did you have for Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner?" I responded that is no longer your concern. To which he said " Your my child Mother, your health is my concern".

I just stared the other way.


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## Working1 (Sep 28, 2013)

Mylife1234 said:


> Good Morning Everyone-
> 
> Thank you for your advice and comments. I did tell him I wanted the divorce now, there is no pointing in waiting a few months if the outcome is the same. He was actually upset at first and they tried to spark up a conversation every chance he got. I am going 180 on him. He is taking the affair lightly and continues to say " Im sorry I got caught" thats not the same as Im sorry for what I did.
> 
> Waiting for the attorney to call me back. I feel hes being a bully, you guys are right I dont have to listen to him.


you know when I went through this , I at one point just said fine, I want a divorce too, and I want to be able to go out and meet somebody just like you have and feel amazing and have that opportunity.
He immediately did a full turn around. So unbelievable how fast that happened.
If you stick with it, the right way, he will be back trying to work it out.


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## akasephiroth (Jul 29, 2010)

Mylife1234 said:


> Thats exactly thr word he used roomates.
> 
> No we always say hello and eat dinner on the couch or dinning room together.
> 
> Also, we talk all day every day through messenger and I call him everyday for lunch and when I get out of work. I end atleast one conversation with I love you and I wont hang up till he sais it back...he always does.


Eatting dinner together and just speaking hello's might be what he is getting at. Think back to when you where dating/newlyweds what was your daily routine? did it involve a call at lunch to tell him how you missed him? do you still do this?

The small things can add up and may not seem like much but before you say Ive done nothing wrong when he is calling you a horrible wife you need to truly evaluate your actions now compared to when you where nothing but a G/F. My wife and I have found that even the simple "I love you" or "missing you" once or twice a day when apart can bring us closer once we are home together.


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## Working1 (Sep 28, 2013)

Mylife1234 said:


> Yes.
> 
> I am doing the 180 and i just read the link the above user sent me about letting him go.
> 
> ...



Doesn't matter if they had sex or not, EA's are just as problematic as PA's. I thought my husband for sure had a PA and I found out through snooping and getting info I never should have had access to with a PI that is was an EA. There are lots of people that never get past the EA point and will go like this for a very long time, carrying on. And then one day I suppose if it goes on long enough it would turn into a PA. For some people though, they really get off on the EA thing, not sure why... Some people go right into the PA, different needs that are being met.
bottom line is though, an EA is just as much of an affair.


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

akasephiroth said:


> Eatting dinner together and just speaking hello's might be what he is getting at. Think back to when you where dating/newlyweds what was your daily routine? did it involve a call at lunch to tell him how you missed him? do you still do this?
> 
> The small things can add up and may not seem like much but before you say Ive done nothing wrong when he is calling you a horrible wife you need to truly evaluate your actions now compared to when you where nothing but a G/F. My wife and I have found that even the simple "I love you" or "missing you" once or twice a day when apart can bring us closer once we are home together.


I said I call him twice a day, its always me calling. Could we have had a better sex life these past few months absolutely, however we just bought a house in the middle of remodeling and our toodler is frequently sick. I am not saying I dont have faults and could have tended to the matter at hand better.

However, I still dont think it justifies the affair.

I have not cheated on him...and yet I would love some affection. Marriage is not plesant 24/7 that doesnt mean when the going gets tough and affair is the answer.

So no, I did not drive my husband into another womans arms.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So he is a known cheater, liar, and betrayer of you, the marriage and the family.

He admits to all of that now that caught him.

And he now wants to offer you a great deal and that you should trust him.

Seriously, he's played you for a fool and now he's trying to get you to double down your bet.

His goal is to be with the other woman and to extract as much marital assets as he can on the way out,

1. Expose the affair and the other Woman. Post her up on cheaterville and sends her friends, his friends your friends the link to it.

2. Call family and expose his affair

3. Think about exposing the affair to their hr and boss

4. Get a shark lawyer and go after him, if you live in an alienation of affection state sue the OW

5. Do not agree to anything he suggests or offers. Everything he offers will be onesided to benefit him, even if you don't see how upfront.


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## Working1 (Sep 28, 2013)

My husband went underground after we R'd. For 4 months. He went for 2 weeks in an honest R, and then she got him a burner phone. I would expect he now wants to keep his marriage due to your successful 180, and shortly he will have underground contact with her. Get a var in his car.


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## akasephiroth (Jul 29, 2010)

Mylife1234 said:


> I said I call him twice a day, its always me calling. Could we have had a better sex life these past few months absolutely, however we just bought a house in the middle of remodeling and our toodler is frequently sick. I am not saying I dont have faults and could have tended to the matter at hand better.
> 
> However, I still dont think it justifies the affair.
> 
> ...


Ok now go tell this to him, this is perfect this needs to be your stand, make it known!!!! Your mad, and you have a right to be nothing justify's an affair, hell not even payback for an affair justify's an affair. Tell him roommates don't call each other 2 times a day to see how the others doing they live together and that's it. Tell him he needs to stop projecting his own misguided actions onto you. 

If your fine filing the divorce do it, make him want you back then you decide if you want to accept him back or not. Save the evidence of the affair proof of a cheating husband goes along way toward alimony ect. In the end if you do reconcile do not do it until you have answers to all the question in your head including the details about the affair.


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## akasephiroth (Jul 29, 2010)

Also should mention that if his anger is growing hostel when you file the D your lawyer can draw up an RO if you feel he may become even more hostel i would advice in this, now an RO will not overwrite his rights as a father but it would put you in control of when and how his visits with the children would take place during the D process.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

akasephiroth said:


> Also should mention that if his anger is growing hostel when you file the D your lawyer can draw up an RO if you feel he may become even more hostel i would advice in this, now an RO will not overwrite his rights as a father but it would put you in control of when and how his visits with the children would take place during the D process.


Now you gave good advice. 

Mylife, If your H yells, screams or threatens you again (punches, breaks or throws anything), go outside or to another room and call 911. Inform them you feel threatened by these actions and can't have him in the house right now. This will at least put him on notice that this aggressive behavior will not be tolerated, at worst you can get an TRO to keep him away from you and the house. This will also deflate his fantasy and power trip. How would he explain that to his family and co workers. 

Start carrying a VAR on your person, to record him when he comes at you. 

Make sure you take care of your health!!!


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## akasephiroth (Jul 29, 2010)

anchorwatch said:


> Now you gave good advice.
> 
> Mylife, If your H yells, screams or threatens you again (punches, breaks or throws anything), go outside or to another room and call 911. Inform them you feel threatened by these actions and can't have him in the house right now. This will at least put him on notice that this aggressive behavior will not be tolerated, at worst you can get an TRO to keep him away from you and the house. This will also deflate his fantasy and power trip. How would he explain that to his family and co workers.
> 
> ...


Tape recording is a good idea but be forward in some states this is illegal without his consent, before doing so you should check into your states laws.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

It's not illegal to protect yourself in your own home. 

Give us a DA that would prosecute a woman for trying to protect herself by recording domestic violence, in her own home?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Mylife1234 said:


> Thank you, I read the link.
> 
> I just honestly dont know where to go from here. He sais he wants to make the divorce as amicable as possible and that he will help me out financially. The no matter what he loves me, just not the way I want to be loved by him.
> 
> ...


He is the cheater. He should *not* set the agenda to suit his own, possibly nefarious, dastardly ends.
*
You should file. ASAP. *


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

akasephiroth said:


> Eatting dinner together and just speaking hello's might be what he is getting at. Think back to when you where dating/newlyweds what was your daily routine? did it involve a call at lunch to tell him how you missed him? do you still do this?
> 
> The small things can add up and may not seem like much but before you say Ive done nothing wrong when he is calling you a horrible wife you need to truly evaluate your actions now compared to when you where nothing but a G/F. My wife and I have found that even the simple "I love you" or "missing you" once or twice a day when apart can bring us closer once we are home together.


There's a reason why he is saying these cruel things to his wife. And it requires no input from her, whatsoever.

The reason? He is a cheating POS. That is all.


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## akasephiroth (Jul 29, 2010)

anchorwatch said:


> It's not illegal to protect yourself in your own home.
> 
> Give us a DA that would prosecute a woman for trying to protect herself by recording domestic violence, in her own home?


Aye most DA's would not prosecute but at the same time the taped evidence could be useless in any case if it was attained illegally thus the point im making.


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## akasephiroth (Jul 29, 2010)

MattMatt said:


> There's a reason why he is saying these cruel things to his wife. And it requires no input from her, whatsoever.
> 
> The reason? He is a cheating POS. That is all.


aye I agree my line of question to her was for her to admit it as she did. I went though these's same question with a MC he kept pushing me to find my faults between me and my wife until i finally realized myself that I WAS NOT THE BLAME people can tell you this 100x but until say it yourself you will never believe it, she had commented that she was being blamed for it but never said she was not allowing him to blame her. 

When i first seen our MC i was blaming myself bye allowing my W to get away with blaming me. Tell him she's mad that he keeps blaming her for everything and that he is a lieing cheating POS and before she can tell him that she needs to admit it herself.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

akasephiroth said:


> Aye most DA's would not prosecute but at the same time the taped evidence could be useless in any case if it was attained illegally thus the point im making.


Just fully explain what happens in real life to the OP. Using words like 'illegal' puts a BS into fear of using tools to counter act the deceit and gives the WS (who uses all the deceitful methods they can find) the advantage. 

It may or may not be useful in court but the PO's on the scene would treat it as pertinent information.


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## akasephiroth (Jul 29, 2010)

anchorwatch said:


> Just fully explain what happens in real life to the OP. Using words like 'illegal' puts a BS into fear of using tools to counter act the deceit and gives the WS (who uses all the deceitful methods they can find) the advantage.
> 
> It may or may not be useful in court but the PO's on the scene would treat it as pertinent information.


Not meaning to place fear and urging the use of any tools to counter act the deceit of the WS. But as it has been stated this does not seem to be a stupid man, he is biding his time and trying to push for the D on his terms one of the worst things she could do now is go into court believing herself to have everything she needs only for a judge to say this is not allowed in this state. 

Ive seen judges toss out video evidence footage and voice recording when i worked in Florida in cases when all the other person who was recording had to do was make the recorder visible.

And she can easily check laws for her state here, http://www.rcfp.org/reporters-recording-guide if her state allows it use it, most states will allow it but there are rules to follow read up on them if you plan to use a recorder.


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

Good Morning Everyone-

Thank you for your post. Below is an update.

Last night i went home, still not speaking to him or making eye contact. He followed me around the whole house, step by step literally. When asked what he was doing, he responded "bothering you". He tried kissing me and I responded "Please dont, I dont want to know what her P**** taste like (sorry for the word). To which he laughed and said thats disgusting, also I never had sex with her. He continued to follow me around asking what are we going to do for the upcoming holidays and weddings, to which I said I am going alone. He responded "I can go with you if you like " I said No. Didnt speak to him for the rest of the night.

Is he crazy, hes definatly making me crazy!!


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> There's a reason why he is saying these cruel things to his wife. And it requires no input from her, whatsoever.
> 
> The reason? He is a cheating POS. That is all.


Thank you.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

No one likes lack of control. You came here because your marriage was out of control. He was controlling everything from the marriage history to the blame of you being a horrible wife. 

You have taken control and it is destroying his confidence. You went from a crying mess to a strong person in his eyes. Yes, you may be a mess inside, but he can't see that at all. 

.


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> No one likes lack of control. You came here because your marriage was out of control. He was controlling everything from the marriage history to the blame of you being a horrible wife.
> 
> You have taken control and it is destroying his confidence. You went from a crying mess to a strong person in his eyes. Yes, you may be a mess inside, but he can't see that at all.
> 
> .


Trying to take control. He is a smart man, he knows I was brought up sheltered and privaledge and i am not street savy. This is a big problem becuase he knows what to say and when to say it. I dont think I can out smart him.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Try to stay simple in your responses. 'He wants a divorce. You've agreed. Now it's time to get it done and try to move on.'

This will not be manipulative, but will have the effect of manipulating, because he will want to start chasing after the strong person you are who suddenly doesn't seem to want him anymore. Who knows where this will go?

He has been cruel to you in the things he has said and done. Don't let him sweet talk you now no matter how much you want to give in. Remember that he's been very busy sweet talking another woman. Do the 180 as much as possible. You may R or D, but the 180 will help you in all cases.


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> Try to stay simple in your responses. 'He wants a divorce. You've agreed. Now it's time to get it done and try to move on.'
> 
> This will not be manipulative, but will have the effect of manipulating, because he will want to start chasing after the strong person you are who suddenly doesn't seem to want him anymore. Who knows where this will go?
> 
> He has been cruel to you in the things he has said and done. Don't let him sweet talk you now no matter how much you want to give in. Remember that he's been very busy sweet talking another woman. Do the 180 as much as possible. You may R or D, but the 180 will help you in all cases.


Your so helpful, thank you.

Maybe im young and unexperienced because I dont understand... he asked for the divorce a week before I found out he was cheating for the past two months...why play nice with me now? I already agreed to the divorce, its what he wanted. Now, why cant he just leave me alone?

Do normal people exist????


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Mylife1234 said:


> Trying to take control. He is a smart man, he knows I was brought up sheltered and privaledge and i am not street savy. This is a big problem becuase he knows what to say and when to say it. I dont think I can out smart him.


See, I hate this mess. Street savy is valuable, but it doesn't make you any smarter or logical than someone who grew up privileged. It is a different type of knowledge altogether.

It isn't about trying to outsmart him or play his game. You are taking control of your life by avoiding his manipulation. Change your thinking, change the "game." 

Street savy won't help you against someone informed.


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> See, I hate this mess. Street savy is valuable, but it doesn't make you any smarter or logical than someone who grew up privileged. It is a different type of knowledge altogether.
> 
> It isn't about trying to outsmart him or play his game. You are taking control of your life by avoiding his manipulation. Change your thinking, change the "game."
> 
> Street savy won't help you against someone informed.


I see. Hes a bully! I know this.


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

Did I mention they work together, so I know he sees her everyday and it kills me that even if we try to R the temptation would still be there.

So many thoughts at once running through my mind.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

So what did her husband say when you told him about their affair?...


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> So what did her husband say when you told him about their affair?...


He chased me down the block as I was calling her and I chugged the phone at him. He said "Whatever there was between them its over now", since they had been caught. He said they never had sex but went to lunch a couple of times. As I said they work together so going to lunch came easy, Im sure. He said he didnt love her and any other details are irrelavent. When I ask any questions that is the response I receive. Also, he continued to tell me what a horrible wife I was and that hes been miserable with me for as long as weve been married. I asked him if he was sorry, he said "Im sorry I got caught, I never meant to hurt you nor for you to find out".

Like I said in previous post, he calls her baby and tells her he misses her and wants her by his side.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Mylife, I think you misunderstood the question. GROUNDPOUNDER asked you what did the other woman's husband say, when you told him about the situation between his wife and your husband.


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

anchorwatch said:


> Mylife, I think you misunderstood the question. GROUNDPOUNDER asked you what did the other woman's husband say, when you told him about the situation between his wife and your husband.


Oh sorry. 

I havent told them  I want to and planned to but dont have the guts to do it yet.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

You'll get there. 

Remember do not negotiate any thing relating to D with your H, that's what your lawyer is for. 

Clear your browser history when you exit or better yet use the incognito mode, so your H won't find this thread.

Reach out to those closest to you for support.

Most of all, take care of your health.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Mylife1234 said:


> He sais im a horrible wife.


Really Go Figure :scratchhead:


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Mylife1234 said:


> Trying to take control. He is a smart man, he knows I was brought up sheltered and privaledge and i am not street savy. This is a big problem becuase he knows what to say and when to say it. I dont think I can out smart him.


I am sure you are smart enough but....You don't have to worry about that when you have the truth on your side


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

My rage is back. So upset I cant deal with anyone in my office. 

Hes going about his life normal and Im her freaking hating my life.

Doing 180 to him but I cant avoid how I feel! dying.


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## bagdon (Jun 7, 2013)

Mylife1234 said:


> Good Morning Everyone-
> 
> Thank you for your post. Below is an update.
> 
> ...


This is good. Your transformation has begun and he has noticed. He's probing you for weakness and looking for your old "normal" reactions. Continue your 180. You MUST stay consistent with your changes. The 180 is more for you than for him but I can tell you, you've got him thinking. Make your changes real...you can't turnaround on this journey otherwise things will get practically hopeless. You're doing good... Keep it up!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Mylife1234 said:


> My rage is back. So upset I cant deal with anyone in my office.
> 
> Hes going about his life normal and Im her freaking hating my life.


He's going about his life because nothing has change for him and he has not been forced to face any consequences for his deceit. You have kept the affair to be secret. That is allowing him to have his cake and eat it. That's why we all tell you to expose it. Exposure will allow all parties to face the consequences for their bad decisions and will allow you to move from this purgatory your living in.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Mylife1234 said:


> My rage is back. So upset I cant deal with anyone in my office.
> 
> Hes going about his life normal and Im her freaking hating my life.
> 
> Doing 180 to him but I cant avoid how I feel! dying.


The 180 can be so hard at first. It really helps set a new dynamic and way of thinking, but it takes a while to make the new pattern something that is natural to you. You have to fake it till you make it. People here without exception report that they find new strength and a new outlook once they have been able to do the 180 successfully.

It's painful, but keep pushing through. You're doing great. Find a mantra for yourself. One poster here tells himself, 'I deserve good things' when he starts to weaken. I used to do something corny & sing the theme song from 'Rocky' in my head when I didn't think I'd make it. Find a hook to help you get through the worst moments, but stick with the 180!


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

anchorwatch said:


> He's going about his life because nothing has change for him and he has not been forced to face any consequences for his deceit. You have kept the affair to be secret. That is allowing him to have his cake and eat it. That's why we all tell you to expose it. Exposure will allow all parties to face the consequences for their bad decisions and will allow you to move from this purgatory your living in.


I feel as though she will get hers in due time. I also dont want to screw myself over, since they work together if she sais im harrasing her they will fire my husband....then I and my child will be out of health insurance.

Is it worth that?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Mylife1234 said:


> My rage is back. So upset I cant deal with anyone in my office.
> 
> Hes going about his life normal and Im her freaking hating my life.
> 
> Doing 180 to him but I cant avoid how I feel! dying.


This is normal and typical. The reality is this. You feel that he got to have fun and excitement and you are left holding a crap filled diaper and you have poop all over your hands. you feel that this is not fair. And he is going about his life normal.

Many of us have been there. We understand your feelings. There is no quick way to put distance between these various feelings. You are going to be on a roller coaster ride emotionally.

1. Stay with the 180. Don't relax on it. 
2. Seek medical help. anti-anxiety meds will help you. I finally used them and they helped. YOu may need them for a few months.
3. You are not to blame for what he did. This is not your fault.
4. The road ahead will be up and down. Your emotions may even get worse and overwhelming. Vent here. Rage here. If you can find a friend that will talk to you, then talk, and talk alot.
5. There are crisis hotlines that you can call 24/7. I talked to them and it helped. I told them I was not suicidal or homocidal but I need to talk.

We understand what you are feeling. We have been there.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Do not fear her. The truth is not harassment. Protecting your marriage is not harassment. She will not do anything to jeopardize her position. She is more fearful of that than you. That is why they are in control of your life, it's your fear and they know that. That's why your husband is acting like the c0ck of the roost, he thinks you won't do anything. It's time to get mad and use that anger against them. You don't have to go to their work place. If her H knew of the affair, he would make her quit, to get her away from your H. Use her husband. Get your anger up. 

Good luck.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Mylife1234 said:


> I feel as though she will get hers in due time. I also dont want to screw myself over, since they work together if she sais im harrasing her they will fire my husband....then I and my child will be out of health insurance.
> 
> Is it worth that?


No it is not worth it. Keep your head about you. You are thinking straight. 

This is a good post. I got to the point that I did not care and almost made some dumb decisions out of rage, revenge, etc.

I love your spirit. You will make it.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I would also get a VAR and have it on you at all times. It was not illegal here in PA, as long as one party knew about it. So me recording my wife and I talking was not illegal. When I had the VAR in her car and caught her having sex with the XOM that was illegal. But guess what? If she complained and tried to make a case, my attorney explained to me no judge will come after me and that then it can be used as evidence in court.

Look at your state's laws and make your decision. I would not care if it was illegal. 

Your husband seems very immature in the way he is following you abound the house. 

Can you go out for a few hours in the evening. Get dolled up and hang out at the mall or something. If you pretend to be having fun it may dive him nuts. When he asks where you are going or what you did, just say, I am going out or I went out.


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## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

I thought you said you had a Job? Can't you setup insurance from your job for your son and you? 

Stop depending on this man so much. If you have to get obamacare, www.healthcare.gov 

Do something instead of pondering what ifs. This husband of yours is a scumbag.


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

Samus said:


> I thought you said you had a Job? Can't you setup insurance from your job for your son and you?
> 
> Stop depending on this man so much. If you have to get obamacare, www.healthcare.gov
> 
> Do something instead of pondering what ifs. This husband of yours is a scumbag.


I do have a job, he works for a hospital so we have great coverage for my son at nearly no cost. I started applying to better paying jobs yesterday as well.


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

COnflicted. Missing him wondering if he loves me and if he is in love with her. I keep re-reading their text messages to one another and I get sick to my stomach. Why cant he write to me like that?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Mylife1234 said:


> I am not a cold person, I love him with all my heart and not sure when I wasnt as affectionate. We also have a 2 year old together that is my full responsibility. So I have nights and weeks where im exhausted from being a mom at home and a corporate partner in the business world but i dont think i neglected him.


New mothers often think that, because they don't realize how very much TIME they are spending on the kid that once was spent on the husband. Mind, that's no excuse for cheating, but that's probably what he meant - your mind on the kid, not him; too tired for sex after being the only one taking care of the kid; stuff like that. Some men just think you're supposed to give up sleeping and relegate kid time to when the husband is sleeping.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Mylife1234 said:


> Did I mention they work together, so I know he sees her everyday and it kills me that even if we try to R the temptation would still be there.
> 
> So many thoughts at once running through my mind.


If you WERE to try R, either he would have to quit his job or he'd have to get her fired. There IS no R if they still work together.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Mylife1234 said:


> Oh sorry.
> 
> I havent told them  I want to and planned to but dont have the guts to do it yet.


Exposing the affair to her husband and his parents/siblings is absolutely essential. He NEEDS to see your strength right now, your anger, your disgust.


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

I hear you turnera, I just dont have any hope. He has yet to even apologize...

I think he has a Fack it attitude, like he could care less. When he asked for the divorce, I thought it was something I did so I was by his side every minute at his call and even making advances at him. To find out he was having the affair the whole time. Just hurts.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Mylife1234 said:


> COnflicted. Missing him wondering if he loves me and if he is in love with her. I keep re-reading their text messages to one another and I get sick to my stomach. Why cant he write to me like that?


He has said that he doesn't love you, thinks you're a bad wife, and he wants a divorce. If he is telling what he thinks is his truth, then that is why he doesn't write to you like that.

Keep your big girl panties on and keep moving forward with the understanding that you will divorce. Do not let him see you sweat. Fake it, fake it, fake it.

Why drag around after someone who is treating you the way he is? Don't do it. Busy yourself, go out, get out to the gym, get a babysitter and have coffee or dinner with friends. Get dressed up and go out by yourself if you have to. Just show strength, grace, and maturity. If you do this, no matter what he does, you are the winner.


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> He has said that he doesn't love you, thinks you're a bad wife, and he wants a divorce. If he is telling what he thinks is his truth, then that is why he doesn't write to you like that.
> 
> Keep your big girl panties on and keep moving forward with the understanding that you will divorce. Do not let him see you sweat. Fake it, fake it, fake it.
> 
> Why drag around after someone who is treating you the way he is? Don't do it. Busy yourself, go out, get out to the gym, get a babysitter and have coffee or dinner with friends. Get dressed up and go out by yourself if you have to. Just show strength, grace, and maturity. If you do this, no matter what he does, you are the winner.


He said "I love you just not the way you want me to"

WTF does that mean....:cussing:


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

It's the tried and true 'I love you but I am not in love with you.' It's what they say when they rewrite marital history in order to justify an affair.


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> It's the tried and true 'I love you but I am not in love with you.' It's what they say when they rewrite marital history in order to justify an affair.


Thank just awful. Will update on what happens tonight. Made an appointment with an attorney next week.


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## bagdon (Jun 7, 2013)

You'll get stronger as time passes. The wounds are still so fresh. Stay with your 180 and take care of yourself. I like Alte Dame's suggestion to do some things for yourself; Exercise, make some other friends, stay busy.

There's still going to be some alone times where you just have to yell and scream to release... time will heal. I felt better, stronger and more resolved facing my spouse after those times I just wept, sobbed and slobbered without restraint in private. 

Be careful at work; I know I was just going through the motions the first few weeks my life turned upside down. follow your plan and stay focused on your self improvement. 

Embrace the hurt and use it as fuel for your future better life. With or without your husband.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Understand too that the chances that his and her relationship will work out for the long haul are very remote...about a 3% chance of working out. Relationships that start as affairs rarely last....they are considered very high risk for failure.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

mylife1234 - I read you worrying that your feel your hubby is very smart and street savvy....

I can tell you one thing he doesn't anticipate.

*The TAM army*...you might have gathered that there are people here who know a lot about cheating, cheaters and the crappy yet predictable way the cheater will behave/speak.

You have a support team of many behind you. Add your attorney and the friends and family you will tell over the next few days and you'll certainly not be facing this alone.

You will still have sh!tty days and cry and wail.... that's part of the grieving and letting go and moving on. 

But please do tell someone in real life. You need a real shoulder to cry on and someone to hug you and hold your hand and talk... when you need it.

Also someone to help you expose to the OWH. Poor man does deserve to know what his cheaty wife is up to. 
You're doing him a favour...as one BS to another.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Mylife1234 said:


> I hear you turnera, I just dont have any hope. He has yet to even apologize...
> 
> I think he has a Fack it attitude, like he could care less.


He will, when you expose it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Mylife1234 said:


> He said "I love you just not the way you want me to"
> 
> WTF does that mean....:cussing:


It means you want me to screw only you, and I can't do that.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Mylife1234 said:


> Good Morning Everyone-
> 
> Thank you for your post. Below is an update.
> 
> ...


You really knocked him off balance there. It's not hard not to fall when standing on a stack of flimsy lies. They did not have sex but he knew her husband was a dangerous ex marine. Right. He is only dangerous to your H and OW because they are fornicating.

The next time he says they were just platonic soul mates, say it was pathetic for him to risk getting beat up when he wasn't even getting laid. 

Once you tell OWH you will find the going better. He may demand she leave the job. His wife is going to be less willing to feed your H cat sandwich at lunch, knowing the mad hubby is in a rage.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Mylife1234 said:


> Good Morning Everyone-
> 
> Thank you for your post. Below is an update.
> 
> ...


I think he has slept with her. Just the vibe i get from this thread. Don't back down don't give in and keep pushing him away. Keep a close eye on the phone records. At&T goes back 18 months.


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

Hi All-

I cannot check the phone it was by mere luck i guessed the password. The hospital pays for his phone and they have strict employee policies. He got in trouble with HR for me using his phone when they found out i called the girl.

His best friend which is a friend of mine as well, we speak often told me that my husband called him and explained what happened. That he really did seem indifferent about the relationship and was fine with divorcing. His opinion is that I love my husband more and that this is a one sided relationship. That my husband doesn't care.

Can this be true or is this a show men put on for one another when discussing marital issues.

Its just more pain adding on. I feel I can cope with the infidelity but the fact he doesnt love me or care about "us" is tearing me to pieces...

Now I really need help!


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

My husband is always home by 7:30 on day where he works late 8:30.....its 9pm and nothing.

Going nuts...


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

MyLife

You should be the one with the "F" him attitude.

Come on girl. Be strong.

Out his Affair to his family. See if that humbles him.

Go talk to your Mom & Dad for moral support.

Stop wondering where he is. He is nothing but a jerk when he is home.

He should be chasing you. And since he is not you will use an attorney.

Focus on you. Focus on your kid. Focus on getting a better job.

Plan for your future. Not his.

HM


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

Thanks.

That's my next step to talk to my parents this upcoming week. They are going to be mortified. They have done so much for us, I feel so ashamed.


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## Syco (Sep 25, 2013)

Have you exposed to OWH yet?


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Why on earth do you feel ashamed?
You have absolutely nothing to feel shame about.

Your parents will no doubt just want to love and support you.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Mylife,

While he is out of the house call the OW's husband.

You are doing a good job.

You ask if men tell other men things about their relationships that they don't share with their wives? Yes. However, they do not tell the truth or the whole truth. For sure they seek sympathy.

My wife nags. We never have sex anymore. My MIL has to much influence over my wife. My wife won't let me play computer games all night. Blah, blad, blah. But the actual decision to divorce, etc or say something about love, that is pretty taboo. A guy who is complaining about his wife will generally not admit that he loves her and is afraid of her wrath.

What the friend says is just a source of info. The only really beneficial thing he can do is tell your husband that he is a fool to risk losing you. If he is not your advocate when speaking with your husband, then he is more your husband's friend than yours. He is going report back to your husband. 

Keep a cool head. The friend may also see this as an opportunity to have sex with you at some point, since you are vulnerable. It actually can make a guy horny to have woman crying on his shoulder.

You are doing the right thing to expose to family. However, remember that some families never forgive, even with the BS has forgiven. Once people in your family hate him, they will never accept him back, though you may remain married and have more children.

Get the divorce papers in order. Continue with the 180. No kisses. No hugs. Nothing until he admits the truth: he was as Bullwinkle once put it "having wild monkey sex" with her. He has to apologize and take responsibility for the affair. Whatever you did or didn't do can be discussed later.

If he doesn't have the mettle to own up, then he is not a good husband and you need to move on.

The TAM gurus says give defiant people what they ask for: your husband has sought divorce, so give it to him. The reality of divorce and threat of divorce are two different things.

Your husband got involved with the mother of 4 children. And this was just a sex hook up? And he wanted to divorce you over the rich sensuality and emotions this affair created?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Mylife1234 said:


> Thanks.
> 
> That's my next step to talk to my parents this upcoming week. They are going to be mortified. They have done so much for us, I feel so ashamed.


 You need to be talking to HIS parents before yours. Well, you need to tell yours, so they can support you. But your best chance is to tell his family.


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Mylife,
> 
> While he is out of the house call the OW's husband.
> 
> ...


From what Ive heard from both parties, they didnt have sex it was all text messages back and forth. Im waiting to tell my parents a bit because once I do....thats it. He will never be accepted again. We went through this once 2 years ago. So I want to make the correct decision.

Maybe hes punishing me for ignoring him these past few days.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He cheated on you 2 years ago?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Mylife1234 said:


> Hi All-
> 
> I cannot check the phone it was by mere luck i guessed the password. The hospital pays for his phone and they have strict employee policies. He got in trouble with HR for me using his phone when they found out i called the girl.
> 
> ...


I call BS on him getting in trouble with HR for you using the phone.
I say this because a. How do they know its you and not him? B. he uses it all the time without issue, why would 1 call stand out. C. HR doesn't deal with phone use, that would be his supervisor or the phone dept at work.

He's telling you stories to control you,


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You can wait with exposure to your parents. Don't wait with OWH. The sooner he is on board, the sooner he will watching to make certain she goes to work dressed in plain cotton panties.

It is theoretically possible that you husband did not have sex with her. But as you yourself know a man doesn't call a woman baby if he hasn't already tasted the honey pie and licked his fingers. The mother of four children subconsciously wants different DNA for the next child. She falls for your husband as part of the process. Now ask yourself, how likely is it that an infatuated horny mother of four is going to just chat?

She ripped your husband clothes off and drained the juice out of him and repeated it as soon as they were physically and logistically capable. For your husband to want to divorce you, they were probably having mind blowing sex or at least OW is a good enough actress to please your husband.

When your husband tried to kiss you that was recognition that he is not going to marry the mother of four – he doesn't have the guts to make that move. If it were the true love that he thought it was, they would take the economic sledge hammer and start a new life in reduced circumstances. In truth, your husband and OW have to get a house big enough for 5 kids in order to keep up the wild monkey sex. Where are they going to get that?

Your husband is still falling from a high. His scarcity at this moment is probably due to his lack of a response to what is going on. Punishing you is not his priority at this time.

The next time you see your husband in a very correct manner, i.e., consistent with the 180, calmly tell him that you have had a chance to think things over: you understand that he is in love with OW. You love him and want him to be happy, therefore, you are letting him go. However, to protect yourself you will not be exposing yourself to further emotional trauma. Furthermore, you are going to get as good a divorce as possible to ensure a quality life for your child.

Total remorse is the cord to the save-marriage-parachute. He needs to pull it before your relationship strikes a mountain side.

p.s. when you speak with OWH, ask him to check her lingerie purchases. There should be something on the charge cards. He'll be p!ssed that she spent their money for your husband's entertainment. Tell him to give them to you. You can pull them out in front of him, maybe at his parents' house when you explain why you are divorcing. Of course, theoretically all he did was look them at lunch because they never had sex.

If your husband seeks a divorce, one reason will be that he does not have the moral strength to repair things. He will just give up. In that case don't beg. He will likely take the quitter's path in many things in life.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

If he no longer loves you, he is doing you a favor. That's better than him keeping you in limbo, while he cake eats.


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## bagdon (Jun 7, 2013)

Mylife1234 said:


> Hi All-
> 
> I cannot check the phone it was by mere luck i guessed the password. The hospital pays for his phone and they have strict employee policies. He got in trouble with HR for me using his phone when they found out i called the girl.
> 
> ...


Feeling like your spouse just doesn't want YOU is one of the most helpless and hurtful pains you will endure. It assaults the very core of your self esteem...I've been there.
My wife and I have reconciled and come together stronger than we've ever been so far. There's hope. Stick with your self improvement plan.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bagdon (Jun 7, 2013)

The kind of hope I'm talking about requires you to let go of your husband and concentrate on what's best for you and your son.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Try to remember that you don't NEED him. You WANT him, especially so because he doesn't want you (we want what we can't have, take for granted what we can have).

You have a son. Do what's best for HIM at this point, which is a healthy mom who is stable and protects him.


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> I call BS on him getting in trouble with HR for you using the phone.
> I say this because a. How do they know its you and not him? B. he uses it all the time without issue, why would 1 call stand out. C. HR doesn't deal with phone use, that would be his supervisor or the phone dept at work.
> 
> He's telling you stories to control you,


No, I thought it was her cell phone turns out it was her work phobe. I called it about 12 times and left a nasty message.


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

New Outlook this morning.

He came home and sat me done. He apologized for the affair and again repeated that they didnt have sex. He has been lonely and wanted to feel needed, when they first started talking it was common bond. She was unhappy in her marriage and so was he, so they chatted on the matter and it went from there. 

He said he would never hurt me intentionaly that he is ever so sorry and that he loves me. However, that this did not change the fact that we have marital problems and that he doesnt know if he wants to continue with the marriage that I need to give him time. A few weeks or months, to please not file for divorce yet and let him have his time.

He asked if I was willing to work on the marriage after the affair, I said it would take me some time to recover but if he dedicate himseld to our marriage, that I would.

He hugged me before he went to the other room, he said kissing me would not be fair. Since he doesnt know what he wants, he doesnt want me to get hopefule and hurt further.

I am trying to find a counselor in my area, to help me. I have come to realize that I need help rebuilding myself esteem and being my own person.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

He's delaying the D. That's what he wanted to begin with, D in 2014. More manipulation and cake eating, IMO. 

See your lawyer. Stick with the D filling, while he makes up his mind. D take a long time and you can stop it at anytime. During that time you can go to MC, as long as the OW is out of the picture only. Remember MC is useless as long as there a three in a marriage.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So where was he? Did he explain coming home late?

He came home and sat YOU down?! Excuse me? That should have been the other way around. YOU sitting HIM down. He's the lying cheater, not you!!

Saying he would never hurt you intentionally is SUCH bullpucky. Was his cheating an accident then? 

WHY do you believe they didn't have sex?


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

anchorwatch said:


> He's delaying the D. That's what he wanted to begin with, D in 2014. More manipulation and cake eating, IMO.
> 
> See your lawyer. Stick with the D filling, while he makes up his mind. D take a long time and you can stop it at anytime. During that time you can go to MC, as long as the OW is out of the picture only. Remember MC is useless as long as there a three in a marriage.


I wasnt thinking months. I was actually going to give him a few weeks to see what comes about all of this. 

Why would he not know what he wants? Is he in the fog, some users mention that but I do not comprehend it completely.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

He knows exactly what he wants. He wants to have his cake and eat it too.

I thought you were doing the 180??? None of this sounds like the 180 to me at ALL.


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> So where was he? Did he explain coming home late?
> 
> He came home and sat YOU down?! Excuse me? That should have been the other way around. YOU sitting HIM down. He's the lying cheater, not you!!
> 
> ...


Yea, he went to his best friends house. They live about an hour away from us, I check the bank account and he ate in that town and pumped gas. I dont doubt he was there, I am pretty confident he was.

The cheating was a mistake. he said.

I dont belive they has sex because she told me, he told me, and our mutual friend told me. Im not saying im confident in this answer but it would be hard for them to do so. I keep pretty good tabs on his where abouts, thats why i am constantly questioning if and when...and believe it was more of an emotional affair and a few work lunches.


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> He knows exactly what he wants. He wants to have his cake and eat it too.
> 
> I thought you were doing the 180??? None of this sounds like the 180 to me at ALL.


I tried and stopped talking to him...hes the one talking and follwoing me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Mylife1234 said:


> I am trying to find a counselor in my area, to help me. I have come to realize that I need help rebuilding myself esteem and being my own person.


Yes, your #1 goal right now.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

The cheating was a MISTAKE?!?! Holy crap. Misspelling a word is a 'mistake'. Cheating is not an effing mistake. It's a CHOICE. A selfish, disgusting choice that selfish liars make when all they're thinking about is their own self gratification.


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> The cheating was a MISTAKE?!?! Holy crap. Misspelling a word is a 'mistake'. Cheating is not an effing mistake. It's a CHOICE. A selfish, disgusting choice that selfish liars make when all they're thinking about is their own self gratification.


I know. I know. It's not something I would have done to him regardless.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Mylife1234 said:


> New Outlook this morning.
> 
> He came home and sat me done. He apologized for the affair and again repeated that they didnt have sex. He has been lonely and wanted to feel needed, when they first started talking it was common bond. She was unhappy in her marriage and so was he, so they chatted on the matter and it went from there.
> 
> ...


Mylife,

Your husband just doesn't get it. Whether this was a EA or PA; either way he continues to manipulate you. He wants to avoid consequences; he wants you to think he's doing you a favor to R. That's anything but remorseful.

I don't know if he will ever "get it", but you should continue to move toward D and implement the 180 to detach; until/unless he does. If he starts demonstrating true remorse and love; that's the point that you should "consider" R - but not before.

If he doesn't turn around, then you'll be set up to move on with your life and put him in your rear view mirror. Surely you have to believe that you deserve better than what he's giving you now.


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

badmemory said:


> Mylife,
> 
> Your husband just doesn't get it. Whether this was a EA or PA; either way he continues to manipulate you. He wants to avoid consequences; he wants you to think he's doing you a favor to R. That's anything but remorseful.
> 
> ...


I completely agree with you this is going to take time, I will know his true intentions soon. For now all I can do its just be there emotionless ....like a roomate.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

Mylife1234 said:


> From what Ive heard from both parties, they didnt have sex it was all text messages back and forth. Im waiting to tell my parents a bit because once I do....thats it. He will never be accepted again. We went through this once 2 years ago. So I want to make the correct decision.
> 
> Maybe hes punishing me for ignoring him these past few days.


WHAT did you go through 2 years ago??

And I doubt a man would call it an "affair" if he hasn't had sex, and your husband has already called this an affair (most people don't know about the term "emotional affair" except those of us who have had the unfortunate need to become educated about the subject of infidelity). I'd say you can be 99.9% sure they've had sex, no matter what either of them says (they are both practiced at lying at deceiving - that's an established FACT, is it not?).


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

One thing that struck me about what your husband told you:

*"He sais the details about the affair are irrelevant and I do not need to hurt myself".*

Call me cynical, but I don't think most WS's would say this if it were only an EA.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

Mylife1234 said:


> I dont belive they has sex because she told me, he told me, and our mutual friend told me. Im not saying im confident in this answer but it would be hard for them to do so. I keep pretty good tabs on his where abouts, thats why i am constantly questioning if and when...and believe it was more of an emotional affair and a few work lunches.


Sorry - Not hard at all. Quickie sex in that hospital (ever watch medical dramas on TV - there are SO many storage closets!!) or in one of their cars at lunchtime would be EASY.


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

hopefulgirl said:


> WHAT did you go through 2 years ago??
> 
> And I doubt a man would call it an "affair" if he hasn't had sex, and your husband has already called this an affair (most people don't know about the term "emotional affair" except those of us who have had the unfortunate need to become educated about the subject of infidelity). I'd say you can be 99.9% sure they've had sex, no matter what either of them says (they are both practiced at lying at deceiving - that's an established FACT, is it not?).


I kicked him out and filed a restraining order for grabbing me hard.

If they had sex, that would be a deal breaker for me. I would walk out now without even trying. I cant bare the thought of them having sex.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

Wow. He has a history of crossing the line. I'm so sorry. I think you should stay in 180 mode: stay strong, stay distant, think long and hard about what it is YOU really want. This guy hasn't been offering you much in the way of safety and security for some time, which are some of the basic things a marriage is supposed to give you.

Also, you have no reason to believe that he is telling you the truth about the sex. The fact that he has already called this an "affair" screams out that it had gone physical. Of course he will deny it because you have no proof - he is counting on being able to play you.

Let's suppose he did have sex but continues to deny it as he contemplates possible reconciliation. You can't prove it. But you don't have any way of knowing if she has herpes or HPV or if she's ever cheated on her husband before. So YOU could have been exposed to STD's if you've had sex with your husband in the last couple months.

If he does come around in a few weeks and says divorce isn't what he wants, then you should make his getting STD testing a requirement of reconciliation. And you need to know that he can't get tested for HPV - only women can. You need a pap with the HPV test because if you have it and it's not treated, you could go on to develop cervical cancer. Yes, infidelity can put you at risk for really awful stuff. Even if he used a condom, because HPV is all over the genital area and condoms don't protect against spreading it. So if I were you, I'd schedule this no matter what he decides.


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

Has anyone every heard of The Love Dare?

Comments....


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Mylife1234 said:


> For now all I can do its just be there emotionless ....like a roomate.


And install a keylogger on his computer and monitor his phone calls/texts.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Mylife1234 said:


> Has anyone every heard of The Love Dare?
> 
> Comments....


That's for healthy relationships. Not ones with lying and abuse.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So if he KNOWS that telling you he had sex will be the end, why would he tell you?? He would do everything in his power to not let you find out, even having those other people lie for him. He doesn't want a divorce right now because it isn't to his advantage so he's making sure you only hear what he wants you to hear. When it's to his advantage to divorce, he'll admit to it finally.

He has the wool pulled completely over your eyes.


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## rabbislatkin (Sep 23, 2013)

I am really sorry to hear what you are going through. It sounds like it was a huge shock. It sounds like this affair has been going on for a while and that he is completely infatuated with this woman. Even if we “love” our spouse, it’s possible to “fall in love” with someone else if we spend enough private time with them. We develop a bond and become chemically attracted to them, to the extent that we become blinded to reality, much like we do when we first fell in love with our spouse. If he is sleeping with her, he is even more bonded to her and is most likely incapable of thinking about the consequences of his actions. 

He is not thinking logically and it may be very hard to persuade him otherwise. Whether or not he no longer loves you, he owes it to your child to at least work on the relationship and seek professional help. Even if the divorce is “amicable”, it will have an impact on your child. If he had issues with you for years, it was his responsibility to articulate them. He can’t expect you to be a mind reader.

While you may have been distracted from the relationship, taking care of the baby and working, it is still not license to cheat. What happens in relationships is that we often do not know how to articulate our needs. Instead of asking you for attention, he went elsewhere. It was his way of “acting out”. This, in no way, justifies what he did, but does point to the importance of both spouses being open and connected with each other.

At this point, it may be very difficult to get him to work on the marriage, even for the sake of the child. One thing he should know is that if he does marry this other woman, his relationship is likely to fail as well. Who’s to say she won’t cheat on him? Once he is no longer in the romantic stage (you can read more about that here: Working through relationship problems | The Marriage Restoration Project - Marriage & Therapy Programs, Family & Marriage Counseling) he will find plenty of problems with her as well and he will regret that he left you. The truth is that we “take” ourselves with us, into the next relationship, so he will still be present with all of his baggage in the new relationship. As much as he thinks it’s all about you, he would benefit from becoming more aware of why he is bothered by you and take responsibility for his issues, which may simply be projections. 

For the sake of your family, I hope he has a change of heart. In the meantime, it is worth checking with a lawyer to protect yourself.


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> So if he KNOWS that telling you he had sex will be the end, why would he tell you?? He would do everything in his power to not let you find out, even having those other people lie for him. He doesn't want a divorce right now because it isn't to his advantage so he's making sure you only hear what he wants you to hear. When it's to his advantage to divorce, he'll admit to it finally.
> 
> He has the wool pulled completely over your eyes.



Im getting scared...


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## BWBill (Jan 30, 2013)

_. . . he doesnt know if he wants to continue with the marriage that I need to give him time. A few weeks or months, to please not file for divorce yet and let him have his time.

He asked if I was willing to work on the marriage after the affair, I said it would take me some time to recover but if he dedicate himseld to our marriage, that I would.
_


You are allowing him to set the rules going forward even though he has cheated and told you he doesn't want to be married any more. You are agreeing to put your life on hold and give control over your future to someone unwilling to make the same commitment to you.

Even if he does decide to stay with the marriage, I bet he will be placing conditions on it.

I would recommend that you proceed with the divorce and tell him that when (if) he is prepared to make the commitment to you then you will at that time decide whether or not to renew your commitment to him. You need to control your own future; you cannot trust him with it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What you need to do at this point is tell HIM that you don't know if you want to be with a man you can no longer trust. That you may CONSIDER giving R a chance, but only if HE shows you remorse and uses EPs.


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

turnera said:


> What you need to do at this point is tell HIM that you don't know if you want to be with a man you can no longer trust. That you may CONSIDER giving R a chance, but only if HE shows you remorse and uses EPs.


Ok. This I understand. I can have this converation with him.

Whats are EP's?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

extraordinary precautions

like giving you his passwords, letting you know if he's changing his schedule, letting you check his phone whenever you want, changing a job if he is working with the OW. Things like that. If he's not willing to do such things, it's a good bet you're just a convenience (just with you because you take care of him) and he intends to do more of the 'harmless' cheating.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

I would add CONDITIONS to precautions.

Like STD tests. Because you don't trust him to have told you the truth yet about the "affair." (Nobody uses that word unless they've had sex, or read a lot about affairs, like those of us here who have been betrayed, so he is unlikely to have actually heard of an "emotional affair" - he has almost certainly had sex with her!)

You can tell him that he can maintain all he wants that he didn't have sex with her - but why on earth should you believe him? You need to protect yourself, and if he wants you to give him another chance, YOU get to set the conditions.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I have to agree that his sayin essentially that knowing the details of the relationship would hurt you more suggests the details involve physical contact. Remember, a lot of people delude themselves by saying oral isn't sex. 

Get an STD test and insist that he get one add well. 

I really think you should tell her husband, too. Talk with his parents. You can always talk to yours later. Ask his parents for help and advice. 

Your husband was vague enough in what he said last nigh that I also agree that he is probably just buying time. 
When you took control it freaked him out so he figured he should play nice so you will back down. 

Ask if he will take a lie detector test. I bet he will say no. 

Keep up the pressure. He doesn't seem to handle it well. 

And don't let the OW telling you the same thing your husband did overly influence you. Coming up with coordinated stories in the event of getting caught isn't unusual. Her H might have been on their trail for all you know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

MyLife - You are letting your WH control everything. The dialogue, his future, your future.

He is 'graciously' deciding that he might, just might, maybe, perhaps, want to stay married to the likes of you if he's had enough time to push the planned divorce into the next fiscal year.

Why would you let someone call all the shots of what is, after all, YOUR life? I admit that I simply don't understand this. Perhaps I am too prideful, but I would tell him that how things unfold now is not his decision to make. You are not playing the lapdog game of 'pick me, please, I beg you.' Please don't let him do that to you.

I don't know if they had sex. Chances are high that they did, but they have successfully stonewalled this, so you don't know & may never know. What you do know is that you have a H who is so full of himself that he believes he is giving you the gift of his presence in the marriage. Please don't lower yourself to this level.

Tell him that he can make his own decision about whether he wants the marriage, but you will be making your decision as well. He doesn't want you to get 'hopeful'? How arrogant! Tell him that he needs also to be aware that he shouldn't get his hopes up. After all, he's the cheater, liar, and overall sorry excuse for a spouse.

You've got the high ground in all respects. Try to believe it and act on it.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

MyLife,

It is understandable that you hesitate to take steps that you feel will worsen your chances of successful outcome. 

Initially divorce was thrown in your face. Your H claimed you that you had not been loving and affectionate. You tried to be tender. You were willing to be a porn star. He rejected you. It was too late, he said.

But he was lying. You had already been eliminated from the spot in bed, without your knowledge. At this time it couldn't have gotten worse, so you had the courage to act. You snooped.

He could have divorced you for being a spy. Instead you got information that improved your position. Since then things have gone back and forth. You are in limbo while your husband seeks more information. He wants to search his heart to decide.

You are being told to stop gathering information. This makes you feel worse. Why because he is taking all power over your marriage. 

You should resume collecting information. Talk to OW husband. You will learn more. You will learn things your H does not want you to know. It will help you know your own heart instead of waiting for H's judgment.

Counterintuitive but fact, when you dig and out play your husband and stand up to him his respect for you grows. The more he respects you the more likely he is going discover his love for you burn bright again.

Have you read Pride and Prejudice?

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

The 180 is working. Doing exactly what it promise on the tin. Do not stop. It is for you. Not him. 

He is moving from the point where he was a man with two choices to someone who has no choices He does not like that and is attempting to regain his two choices.

He is attempting to put you back where you were so that he can feel and be in control of the situation. 

I am sorry but this smells really badly of fake R


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Ing is completely right.

You have told yourself that if he has been physical with her, you will leave him. That may be your decision. However, if you say this must be, then it may stop you from contacting OW husband because you are afraid to learn the truth that forces your hand.

Be kinder to yourself. You decided whether or not his physical infidelity is unacceptable at your own pace.

On TAM many emphasis that cheating is a choice, not a mistake. Your husband went outside of your marriage for sex. His choice. He thought you would not know. That was a miscalculation. He thought you could bully you in submission. That was a mistake.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

anchorwatch said:


> Right, that's a reason to find another woman.
> 
> God forbid he find a marriage counselor.
> 
> ...


Actually, YES, that IS a reason to find another woman. Or man.

But only if the accusation is true, and not a blame shifting lie, and even then, only AFTER ending the current marriage it is ok to seek someone new. In this case, it looks like blame shifting. He should have addressed the issues - if they really were that big- with her, then, if no improvement, ask for divorce, and then find another.

But in general, yes, that is reason to seek elsewhere.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

He wants a divorce because he has someone on the side. People who have affairs (men and women) rewrite the history in the marriage to "justify" an affair. 

Your husband is what is called "the fog" there is no logic..


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Read Rosie's thread. She is very active and determined. It is not easy but you can see how it is helping her cope.


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