# Is his constant sexual desire causing the problems?



## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

Hallo again everyone,
I posted coments here several time, but now i need to tell you my whole story to get some perspective about my married life.
I'm married one year now/ been together for almost 3/. My husband has this pattern not to talk about our problems. He either go silent for days or he gets mad at me when i explain what's bothering me. After i while i just stopped going on and on about the problem, because we just can't get solution. He's always on the contrary opinion and the fight can go on forever. Regardless if the problem is solved or not he begins to push me for sex like nothing happened. Actually i stopped feeling desire for sex since our problems become regular/ soon after we were married/ I feel like he can/don't want to/ communicate with me.
He tells me his lust after me shows his love. But i need dialog in order to feel desire for him, i think is normal to have spiritual connection on the first place. Our last fight went like this. He wanted to go home while i was talking to our friends on the street. He didn't have keys so I told him to wait,because that's my keys and i can't go in without them. Then he started pulling my bag and my arm so hard that i slapped him to stop. He returned with even harder slap,pull my bag and the keys dropped. After that we talked upstairs but he never apologized. And that made me feel real bad ,because again i started the talking, he only listened and made excuses for himself and blamed me for everything. The same thing after every argument. I'm starting to feel alone in this marriage, like the only thing we can do together is eat and have sex,while at home. I told him we need therapy , we only went once. He refuses to do it any more. I feel very much trapped. Resently i started talking to that guy i met on the internet a long time ago. I know it's wrong. I just need understanding, compation and friendship in my marriage, not only sex. Sometimes i think it's my mistake i married for all the wrong reasons, i thought that when you love someone and have similar goals it's all going to be fine. I was wrong!

Thank you all for reading! Any responses will do...


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

I would say in the example you gave you need to stop tying to be the one in control. If he wants to leave and you have the keys you should have given them to him and he could come back out when you are ready to come. 

Of course I know what you are saying is probably much more than this one example and not being there the dynamics are different. Just be careful that you are not treating him like his mom. I see this a lot and it breeds resentment. Good luck.


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

Thank you for reading my story and sharing your opinion.
I guess you're right about that in that kind of example. The thing is he's always like that, is his way or no way. If i put him in the controling place /and gave him the keys, or wait to talk when he wants to talk/ nothing will ever happen/ talking or taking any action/ I know i shouln't be his mother, i DON'T want to be. But when he''s acting like a child, sometime maybe he''s making me act irrational . Actually i may say i'm very irrational lately. It's like i want to be in a fight just because i'm tired of his constant sulking.I just really can't take it any more I know he wants to be in controll/ actually i don't need to be in controll i want a man who CAN be in controll/..but in the same time his very passive/ and agressive/ . Before that happened that night he was giving me the silent treatment for 2 day. I think the think that unset him was that this time i didn't care./Because we had guests, i tried to behave normaly and not bang myself against the wall because he's avoiding me/


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Locard said:


> I would say in the example you gave you need to stop tying to be the one in control. If he wants to leave and you have the keys you should have given them to him and he could come back out when you are ready to come.
> 
> Of course I know what you are saying is probably much more than this one example and not being there the dynamics are different. Just be careful that you are not treating him like his mom. I see this a lot and it breeds resentment. Good luck.


Honestly this was my first thought too-- give him the keys, can't he let you in when you get there? But I do understand about the lust think vs. feeling loved.... my husband felt that his lusting after me should have made me feel loved too.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Charlene, his "constant sexual desire" is the least of your problems.

You are married to a man who sulks and withdraws altogether from you when he doesn't get his way/doesn't want to discuss things/when you don't bend to his every whim.

I remember your posts in the "silent treatment" thread and I commented because ai could relate so well to what you're going through. He's not likely to change unless he has an epiphany and/or thinks his behavior is wrong and commits to stopping it. Right now, it doesn't seem he thinks what he is doing is wrong and his behavior is fine.

Slapping him and him slapping you is not the answer. That resolvels nothing and the initial problems remain.

I'm not surprised you're losing your sexual attraction to him. Or your respect for him. He doesn't respect you or treat you right.


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

You're standing in the street talking to a friend and he asks you for the keys so he can go inside and you refused to give them to him. That does not make any kind of sense. Are you trying to mess with him? Do you understand at all how demeaning and disrespectful you were being? Obviously his reaction only escalated the situation but what did you expect from him? When you wouldn't let him have the keys what could he have done that would not make you "feel alone in this marriage"? 
Speaking of, you are not alone in your marriage at all, in fact it's crowded. You are involving yourself with another guy and you know it is wrong, your relationship with your husband can't improve until you stop betraying him. If you really want compassion and friendship in your marriage why don't you treat him the way you expect to be treated?


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## Just Dave (Sep 13, 2011)

> He's always on the contrary opinion and the fight can go on forever.


I don't suppose it could be you that's on the contrary opinion? Ever give any thought to maybe you're the problem?

Men generally *react* to things in relationships. This means that there has already been an act. Many women are emotionally unpredictable and can't understand why men aren't tuned into their emotional needs. I hate to break this to you ladies, but this just isn't how men are made. We couldn't keep up with your emotions even if our lives depended on it.

I wonder too, if you aren't creating the conditions that leads to the problems you and your husband are having, because you want an excuse to talk to the guy on the Internet that you met a long time ago.



> I just need understanding, compation and friendship


Do you think this Internet guy can offer you these things? Yes he can. In fact, any and every man who desires to get into your pants can supply you with anything you need in order to achieve this. And once they get it guess what?

Your husband made a commitment to you, he married you. See if the Internet guy is willing to do that. Let him know up front with no misunderstandings that there will be no pootie until after the two of you are married. Then lets see how long the compassion, understanding and friendship lasts.



> I feel like he can/don't want to/ communicate with me.


Men show their love for their wife - to their wife through action. Men are simple, non-complicated creatures. Taking the garbage out without being asked is an expression of our love. Making love is a major way we communicate our love to our wife.

So you see, men communicate through action and women communicate through endless, and often mindless chatter.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

*
So you see, men communicate through action and women communicate through endless, and often mindless chatter.*

Wow.... and ouch!:scratchhead:


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

It's rediculous to think he's the victum in this relationship. But it's my fault for making the long story short. I agree i might be stubborn and i may not always do the right thing. I was trying to say that generally he prefers not to communicate, than to talk things through. 
But let me say the friends i was talking to that night was his brother/who was our guest/ and my sister's husband. I'm just saying he can just easily left a New Eve's party or make our guests feel uncomfortable at home, just because he's pissed off. And that's selfish. Maybe not giving the keys RIGHT AWAY wasn't so mature, but is that an excuse for dragging my my hand so furious.
And i get you guys, i know women can be whiny and all about the talking, but i think that better than not caring that your acting might cause. He's just thinks he can get away with anything, that's why i behave a little bit like an angry mother that night.
And talking about a women's way of communication!
Isn't it a girly thing to sulk for 5 ways for anything that didn't went your way ? That's his only way to show something's wrong. He NEVER strarts a conversation after something upsets him. 
When he wanted the keys ,that was his way of saying "i'm going home to go silent and show you you're not worth talking to"
I just ask him to wait for us/me and his brother/ so that we can say a proper goodbye. A matter of few seconds! I just didn't want to " bend to his every whim" as he probably wants.
I also know that talking to people on the internet isn't the way to solve my problems with him, but for him there's no right way to do it. There's always something ...either i'm talking too much or i''m talking too little or i'm not saying the right thing.


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

Sorry for the bad english, but that's not my mother language. 
And thanks to all for the responses.


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

charlene said:


> It's rediculous to think he's the victum in this relationship.


Why can't he be a victim? 



charlene said:


> I was trying to say that generally he prefers not to communicate, than to talk things through.


Why do you think he prefers not to communicate? Could it be that he actually just lacks communication skills or does not feel comfortable engaging in communication with you?



charlene said:


> Maybe not giving the keys RIGHT AWAY wasn't so mature, but is that an excuse for dragging my my hand so furious.


Obviously it's not an excuse, but it is the cause. You treated him poorly and it provoked him, he responded inappropriately and you escalated the situation further by slapping him, the whole situation spiraled out of control. None of your behavior was justified by his, and none of his behavior was justified by yours. To me it seems like you both are terrible at communicating effectively and have no respect for each other.



charlene said:


> He's just thinks he can get away with anything, that's why i behave a little bit like an angry mother that night.


That seems very odd to me, like you view him as someone you must maintain control over. Why do you think he sees things in terms of what he can get away with? What did you believe he thought he would get away with by using your keys? Why does what you believe about his motivation for asking to borrow your keys justify how you behaved?


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

I just re-read your comment about control and your desire for a man who can control you. I think you should conduct an experiment: For one week completely submit to your husband. Follow his lead, shift all decisions to him, defer to his choices. Bite your tongue when you feel the need to criticize, complain, or resist. Let him "get away with anything" without ever feeling like he can't. Give him total control for one week and pay attention to how it makes you feel and how he reacts.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Blameshifting is such an ugly exercise.



charlene said:


> It's rediculous to think he's the victum in this relationship. But it's my fault for making the long story short. I agree i might be stubborn and i may not always do the right thing. I was trying to say that generally he prefers not to communicate, than to talk things through.
> But let me say the friends i was talking to that night was his brother/who was our guest/ and my sister's husband. I'm just saying he can just easily left a New Eve's party or make our guests feel uncomfortable at home, just because he's pissed off. And that's selfish. Maybe not giving the keys RIGHT AWAY wasn't so mature, but is that an excuse for dragging my my hand so furious.
> And i get you guys, i know women can be whiny and all about the talking, but i think that better than not caring that your acting might cause. He's just thinks he can get away with anything, that's why i behave a little bit like an angry mother that night.
> And talking about a women's way of communication!
> ...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So is blaming women and refusing to look at a man's faults.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Poor communication, control issues, emotional abuse, domestic violence and an affair, all in one thread. There is a lot of blame to go around.


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

turnera said:


> So is blaming women and refusing to look at a man's faults.


Refusing to look at his faults certainly isn't an issue for her, they seem to be the only thing she wants to look at.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I'd be more concerned about the sullking and slapping (on both sides). Sounds, at best, like disrespect which is death to a healthy relationship and at worst, sounds like abuse. Guys use sex for many reasons and stress relief is chief among them. The more you fight, the greater his stress, the greater his need for stress relief. I think you fix the disrespect/abuse issues, and he probably won't seem so needy for sex and you won't naturally feel as put out by his advances.


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

unbelievable, that's seems logical, but actually he's like that when we're in good terms.
ren, about your proposal, i've done it everytime after a fight,believe me. It work for another week or two. After that there was always something about what i say of how i say it.
Last night i try to begin a conversation about the night" with the keys". He said there is nothing to talk about. So he became furious again. I told him that i don't want such things happen between us , he got so angry about the fact that we're dicussing it,that he stopped talking again and stayed up til 7 a.m.
people , there isn't an affair ,come on! I feel guilty for one chat with someone else and you think it's an affair! The reason i feel it's wrong it's not because i'm looking to start something , it's because he's insanely jealous!

Just so you know, I've been going to therapy 3 month because of our problems. She told me about my controlling issues, i agree , i try to be more easy going. He forbad me to go one day, i stopped.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do NOT stop going to counseling. He is not your father or your boss. He has no right to forbid you to go.


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

charlene said:


> ren, about your proposal, i've done it everytime after a fight,believe me. It work for another week or two. After that there was always something about what i say of how i say it.


So you want a man who can control you, after every fight you hand over control and your relationship is then good, eventually you say something upsetting and re-assert your control until the next fight comes... you can see the pattern, right?
I think this is training your husband to behave poorly. It reinforces his association of your controlling behavior with things turning bad in the relationship. It reinforces that fighting makes you treat him better. It reinforces his tendency to withdraw.


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

Ok yes , so the only control he gets is when he behaves poorly?
So what do i do. Can i meаsure my wordс еvery singly day so that he doesn't feel threatened?


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