# Please Help Me



## LongIslander (Jul 9, 2012)

My wife had an affair with a co-worker nearly 30 years ago. She always told me it was one time only and she had no feelings for him, although I have recollections from that time, based on her behavior as well as things she said, that lead me to believe otherwise on both counts.

In the last thirty years, we raised two wonderful children and have been very happy.

However, a month ago I saw that she looked him up on the internet and found his address and phone number - however she has not contacted him.

She says this meant nothing, it was just "curiousity."

It pains me but this makes me believe that I was right all these years, that it proves she did have feelings for him and that they slept together for months or a year or longer. This lead me to question the foundation of our marriage over the last 30 years. Did she learn to forget him and merely settle back in with me?

She told me about the affair 5 years after it happened, and when asked if she was in love with him, at that time she replied "I thought I was" - but now she says she said this only to get even with me (after I admitted to an encounter, no affair though). Also when he left the country she was weepy that entire day and when pressed why she was so upset she said she felt like she "was losing her best friend." She said things "would be rough for awhile." She now says she was so upset because she felt so guilty about what she had done. For thirty years I believed those words meant she was in love with him.

These things always led me to believe she was in love with him and slept with him for an extended period of time. And now that she has looked him up on the internet after all these years, *WHAT WOULD YOU BELIEVE? THAT IT WAS A ONE TIME THING AND SHE HAD NO FEELINGS FOR HIM OR SHE WAS IN LOVE WITH HIM AND SLEPT WITH HIM FOR AN EXTENDED PERIOD OF TIME?*


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

She still has feelings for him.

Your story sounds similar to mine.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

The only reason she still has feelings for him is because
she wasn't outed properly when you first found out about it.

Take a day off from work - both of you.

Hash out every detail you need to know or she has to tell you
in a day. Go from there. Get the truth out. Give her one chance.
ONE.

Tell her if she doesn't answer truthfully, you'll be taking the rest of the day to contact a lawyer and file for D.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Both of you have been betrayed it sounds like and both of you have cheated. It doesn't sound like you've done any work to really get past this. The book not Just Friends by Shirley Glass can help, so could MC.

The first thing you need to do is establish No Contact. That means NO looking him up on the internet.

You've managed to bury this for 25 years. It isn't going to be pretty.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

It means two things A) You need to hammer this nail hard. No Contact and no looking each other up. Also make her explain why she is looking him up again. What made her go backwards what triggered this? 
B)30 years is a long time to hold on to a short fling. The affair was a long and very emotional one. If She is looking him up then there may have been something that triggered this. Ask her why she would lie to cover up a long term affair and don't accept anything but logical answers. She probably broke it off with OM because you seemed the safer bet. 

C)I would immediately press for the truth. Don't believe anything about this just curious bull. Checking his facebook wall is one thing but looking up contact information is another.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think you should also tell her that any contact , any at all. and you will ask her to leave. Even after 30 years you will not tolerate any contact at all with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> Also when he left the country she was weepy that entire day and when pressed why she was so upset she said she felt like she "was losing her best friend." She said things "would be rough for awhile." She now says she was so upset because she felt so guilty about what she had done. For thirty years I believed those words meant she was in love with him.


You were probably right all the time. She's rewritting the story because it suits better her agenda with you (get over it, leave me alone) or because it fits her better at an emotional level (we all rewtite our story at same capacity). Likely a mix of the two. She needs to come clean about all of it once for all. The full extent, the deep of the conexion. Don't let it be rugsweeped because it happened years back or because you also backstabbed her. You came clean nad she used your guilt to gaslights you and rugsweep things under the carpet. Deal with it properly. You need to be firm on this.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You took her back the 1st time, but at what accountability to her, and what cost to you---she got her 2nd chance

Do not put up for one second, curiosity, or anything else from her----she knows how to lie, she did it the 1st time

You let her know in no uncertain terms, if there is the slightest sniff of contact for any reason---mge. is over---tell her she got her 2nd chance---SHE WILL NOT GET A THIRD CHANCE.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

She only thinks about him in the emotional high state of the affair because it was never a blow up to her. She was done with him when she picked the time to tell you. 

It sounds like you need to talk it out and maybe see an MC because it was never really closed.


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## LongIslander (Jul 9, 2012)

Acabado said:


> You were probably right all the time. She's rewritting the story because it suits better her agenda with you (get over it, leave me alone) or because it fits her better at an emotional level (we all rewtite our story at same capacity). Likely a mix of the two. She needs to come clean about all of it once for all. The full extent, the deep of the conexion. Don't let it be rugsweeped because it happened years back or because you also backstabbed her. You came clean nad she used your guilt to gaslights you and rugsweep things under the carpet. Deal with it properly. You need to be firm on this.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongIslander (Jul 9, 2012)

I have been firm and have told her that her answers are illogical. But she has not and won't change her story; she insists it is the truth. I told her I still don't believe her and basically she says that is something I have to work out with my therapist. She won't change her story and I will probably never believe her. What choices do I have?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Affairs are like icebergs.
She told you what you could handle and what you wanted to hear.
Waywards alway make it sound less then it really is.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Uh, SHE cheated right? So it's up to HER to PROVE she's trustworthy. Should have been done when she first confessed, but if it isn't done now, why should you trust her??

How would she feel if the tables were turned??


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

LongIslander said:


> I have been firm and have told her that her answers are illogical. But she has not and won't change her story; she insists it is the truth. I told her I still don't believe her and basically she says that is something I have to work out with my therapist. She won't change her story and I will probably never believe her. *What choices do I have*?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Umm, lets see....

1) Begin implementing the 180 (see think directly below my post)

2) Get thee to a lawyer and find out what your rights are if you should file for divorce. Get the paperwork and start filling it out. You could file for legal separation in order to protect yourself from any debts she incurrs.

3) Tell her that her attempt to reconnect with her old boyfriend is a slap in the face to you and your marriage, and that as far as you are concerned the marriage is on hold until YOU decide what you are going to do.

4) Get some physical space between you and her: ask her to move into a separate room or ask her to leave. 

5) Begin separating your finances. Pull all your share of the money out of your accounts and into new ones under your name only. Divert your paycheck into a new checking account under your name. 

6) Get to a doctor and get meds to help you sleep and stay calm. 

7) Make sure you are eating right and getting plenty of exercise daily. 

8) Expose what she has done to your children and her family.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Agree with bandit. You have to hit this HARD and FAST RIGHT NOW. If this goes on, then we will see you in the going through divorce and separation forum shortly. You have to take a "tough love" approach and state what you will tolerate. Best of luck.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LongIslander said:


> I have been firm and have told her that her answers are illogical. But she has not and won't change her story; she insists it is the truth. I told her I still don't believe her and basically she says that is something I have to work out with my therapist. She won't change her story and I will probably never believe her. What choices do I have?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well.. her answer is not illogical. I do things like that all the time.. look up guys I used to date. I also look up old friends and even people I don't like but wonder what happened to them.

Your focus is in the wrong place. I would, for now, take her word that hse was just curious. That ends her telling you that it's your problem.

Then you can get down to laying some consequences on her.. that you will not tolerate any looking up of the OM, any contact... NOTHING. 

How did you find out that she looked him up?


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## LongIslander (Jul 9, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Well.. her answer is not illogical. I do things like that all the time.. look up guys I used to date. I also look up old friends and even people I don't like but wonder what happened to them.
> 
> Your focus is in the wrong place. I would, for now, take her word that hse was just curious. That ends her telling you that it's your problem.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongIslander (Jul 9, 2012)

I found it on her current history when I was using the computer. She of course did not or could not deny it.
Thank you for your reply, certainly a different point of view than the men who replied. Yes she says the same thing as you, she likes to look up people. But even if it was curiosity, she knows how devastated I was and how much the incident hurt our marriage, so knowing all that, WHY is she curious about HIM after 29 years?
_Posted via Mobile Device_
And this guy is not someone she used to date before we got married - I could care less if she looks those guys up. This was a man she committed adultery with during our fifth year of marriage.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It could be curiousity, maybe even a little thrill, it might be time to give her some thrills. 
My point is there may be a void that is be created these days or as of late.
Something I would look into thats for sure.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

You never got the full story,!!
Do you know how it lasted? Do you know how deep was thier emotional attachment (NO, she changued to story so far), did she provide you some sort of timeline?
Not. You never had the real talk.


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