# How to deal with feelings for a married woman



## intrigid (May 21, 2012)

This is pretty much going to be a verbal diary of my past 3 years, so if you're in the mood for some boring nonsense, read on...

I'm trying to deal with feelings I have for a married woman. I met her 3 years ago when she was hired into my department. When I met her, I pretty much instantly fell in love with her. When I learned that she was married and had a son, I was understandably disappointed. I pretty much subconsciously filed these feelings away in the "oh well" folder and continued on in my search for a partner.

In the spring of 2010, I learned that a new girl was going to be hired into our department, and that she was single. I was given her name, so I checked out her Facebook profile and found some pictures of her. On paper, she was quite attractive. Nice face, great body. When she joined the company, the two of us were introduced. That week she started messaging me on Facebook, and we started having regular phone conversations. A few weeks later, we decided to try being boyfriend and girlfriend. Still, I found myself struggling, trying to drum up the same types of feelings for her that I had for the other special girl.

1 month turned into 2 months which turned into 2.5 years. That brings us to pretty much present time, and basically nothing has changed. Our relationship is great in many ways. We're like best friends. We have a very non-volatile relationship, and we spend a day or 2 together on most weekends. Any more than that and we start to get on each other's nerves.

I've been pretty much completely honest with my girlfriend about my feelings, except I haven't told her the name of the girl I'm in love with. She knows that I don't feel "love" for her, and while it can be hard for her to accept, our relationship continues on. I've tried to break up with her on 2 or 3 occasions, but upon seeing how much it hurt her, I didn't have the heart to go through with it.

Me and my secret love continue to work in the same office. We were actually recently relocated, and now instead of working on a different floor, she works just down the hall from me. I see her walk by my desk several times a day, and at times seeing her body in her great clothes just drives me crazy. I've dealt with this for months, not really thinking much about it, assuming it to be just something I need to bear and deal with.

We continue to interact with each other almost on a daily basis. This mostly involves her walking by my desk, smiling at me and saying hi. Though she's a friendly person, in all these years I can't remember seeing her do this with anyone else. Now that I think about it, my feelings for her often come out in small gestures. When we see each other in the hall, kitchen, etc, I say "Hi [her name]!" in that kind of tone of voice that really means "I'm happy to see you!". I normally hate small talk, but with her it just seems automatic. At times I compliment her on how she's dressed (no really, she dresses herself THAT good), and she's done the same to me. One time, by coincidence, we happened to be going to the same place for ice cream at the exact same time. So I treated her to ice cream which seemed to make her very happy. I never had any ulterior motive behind any of these actions. It just makes me so happy when I do this, and when I do something that makes her smile, it gives me those "butterfly" feelings in my chest.

Recently, we were talking about vacation destinations, and I mentioned that I was thinking about going somewhere tropical with my girlfriend sometime in the future. My secret love instant-messaged me at work, asking me what the situation was between me and my girlfriend, and if we're planning on getting married. I explained to her, well no, because I don't love her. Then I pretty much opened up her like a faucet (regarding my girlfriend) and explained all the dynamics in our relationship. I explained that I decided to be with her because I needed a companion at the time and she was "good enough".

I then went on to explain that one of the reasons I can't marry her is that I know the feeling of love, that I feel it for other girls, and I don't feel it with my girlfriend. She then asked me "Really, any girls in particular that you're in love with?" I somewhat dodged the question by saying no, no "eligible" girls. She voiced her opinion that it's not fair for me keep her in a relationship if we're not meant for each other. I agreed, saying we've been telling each other that for a long time. I also told her in our conversation that I've been thinking about breaking up with her (which is true). She basically said "Good luck, I know you'll do the right thing..."

At the time we had that conversation, it felt very good to let some of those feelings out. However, that evening, I took an emotional nosedive. I realized that I've been suppressing feelings for her all these years, assuming that the type of love I feel for her was reserved for girls who were out of my reach. That night, I saw some posts on Facebook about a different girl that recently received her divorce finalization papers, her "best Christmas present ever", and is now with the love with her life. All her friends were congratulating her, telling her "Everyone deserves to be happy." I commented on her post saying that I envy her and that I hope someday to feel the joy that she's feeling. She said that all along the process, all her friends told her to walk away from the new person. Nope, she didn't listen, and now she's experiencing the type of love that she didn't think was possible. I spent the next 3 nights or so crying myself to sleep.

So what is the condition of the marriage of my secret love? Honestly, I have no idea, and it's probably not relevant. From the limited information I have, it could be the perfect marriage, or it could be loveless and she could be miserable. I do know that they got pregnant after a one-night fling and this is the reason they got married. Sometimes I ask her if she did anything interesting on the weekend and she always seems to say "No, just chores..." I also know that she moved away from her husband for a year when she started this job (her husband later moved to this city), and then again she moved away from her husband for a year to spend time with her child and her family.

I feel about 90% sure I'm just misreading all of this, and that her family is quite solid. Sometimes when you're in love, the mind can't help but search for scenarios that it can get what it wants.





So what now? My girlfriend is away on a dream vacation with her family for about a month. At least that gives me some time to ponder what to do. I'm leaning toward opening up and telling my girlfriend everything when she comes back. If she breaks up with me, then at least it's based on honesty. And if not, maybe she can be my comfort and my shoulder to lean on.

I've also got myself a referral to a psychiatrist who I should be able to meet with sometime next month.

I just can't envision myself telling my secret love how I feel. I don't want to be responsible for breaking up a family. What if she decides she can't work around me anymore? She's truly the one thing in my life that never fails to brighten my day, and I would never forgive myself if my actions caused me to lose all of that.

I can only hope that if I just wait long enough, maybe these feelings will go away. I would give almost anything if I could transfer the feelings I have for her onto my girlfriend.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Tell your girlfriend, leave the married woman alone and find a single woman who can bring about these feelings in you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

First of all, you do *not* have a secret love. You have an infatuation with the idea of what you HOPE that woman would be like, but no actual knowledge at all of her outside of work, including whether she'd even be interested in you.

You're right to feel concerned about breaking up her family. She has a child that relies on both mom and dad, and you'd be wrong to interfere with that innocent child's life like that. 

It also sounds like you don't appreciate your girlfriend. Yes, you need to let her go if you aren't willing to prioritize her. Heck, she doesn't even rate up there with a fantasy at this point. 

The best thing for you to do would be to realize that you cannot work around this woman and stay at the top of who you are meant to be. You're avoiding a real connection with someone special while you're pining away from someone you cannot and should not have!

Why????


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

If only it were that easy Gaia lol.. That IS the answer but I mean it's going to be hard to get to it. No contact is the only way to completely extinguish the feelings. I mean do you wanna just screw her, or is it her personality you like? Plenty of hot chicks out there, plenty of chicks with the same personality she has.

You allowed yourself to get close to her emotionally, and you're feeding the emotions by seeing her every day. Switch departments, tell your boss you don't get along with some people.

You can crush on this chick forever, and that's what it is.. a crush.. an infatuation. But the truth is, when you actually have her, grass likely won't be so green on the other side after all. The crap fades. It alllllways fades. "Grass is greener" is what you're thinking. What a shame.

The real truth is you don't even KNOW this woman.. You know her outer shell. Not what she's like behind closed doors.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Hey I never said it was easy but its exactly what he should do. I do agree with kipani and kathy. I would also like to state that you sound a tad stalkerish creepy OP.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

> That night, I saw some posts on Facebook about a different girl that recently received her divorce finalization papers, her "best Christmas present ever", and is now with the love with her life. All her friends were congratulating her, telling her "Everyone deserves to be happy."


Presumably the husband of your divorced friend and your work colleague's husband and daughter deserve to be happy as well?

I'm guessing you are pretty young, the way you write. It just doesn't work like that.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

I'll put the OP at mid 20s lol


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## intrigid (May 21, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Tell your girlfriend, leave the married woman alone and find a single woman who can bring about these feelings in you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


At this point, that's my intention.


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## intrigid (May 21, 2012)

kipani said:


> I mean do you wanna just screw her, or is it her personality you like?
> 
> Plenty of hot chicks out there, plenty of chicks with the same personality she has.


Sure there are plenty of hot chicks out there. There are even other hot chicks in the office that I'd like to screw. If she was really just another hot chick, do you think I'd be posting this?



> You allowed yourself to get close to her emotionally, and you're feeding the emotions by seeing her every day. Switch departments, tell your boss you don't get along with some people.


LOL yeah, right. Good advice.

I'm not going to sabotage my career over a woman.



> You can crush on this chick forever, and that's what it is.. a crush.. an infatuation. But the truth is, when you actually have her, grass likely won't be so green on the other side after all. The crap fades. It alllllways fades. "Grass is greener" is what you're thinking. What a shame.


Seems to me that by this logic, every marriage should be a miserable one after a few years.


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## intrigid (May 21, 2012)

Gaia said:


> I would also like to state that you sound a tad stalkerish creepy OP.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm not quite sure how to respond to this. Do you have any specific suggestions on what's wrong with my actions or my thought process?

"You sound like a creepy stalker" isn't exactly constructive criticism.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

I agree. Leave the married woman alone. You're basing your feelings on her looks. Most people put on their best face for others outside their home. She could be a complete ogre. Or worse yet she could be actually interested in you too. Would you really want to have a relationship with a woman who lies to a man she took a vow to be faithful to? What I'm getting at is she is a lose/lose scenario for you. Do the honorable thing and leave her be.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Your infatuation seems a bit obssesive. That is a bit creepy imo especially since she is clueless about it. You label it love when really it isnt. I am not saying you are a creepy stalker OP but the one sided infatuation is a tad creepy. 

At least imo it is. This is a taken woman you have set your sites on and your line of thinking is destructive imo. How long before you think you must have her? How long before you take action to destroy something that is already perfectly beautiful ie her marriage. 


Think of it this way. Everyone deserves to be happy right? So her husband and child deserve happiness with thier mother. 


Again I am not saying you are a creepy stalker but your posts have a bit of that quality in them from my pov.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

intrigid said:


> At this point, that's my intention.


That is great. By the way marriage is only miserable if the couple lets it be. A serious, committed relationship will always need work. If you want a beautiful lawn then you must work to maintain that lawns beauty by upkeep and maintenance.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## intrigid (May 21, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Your infatuation seems a bit obssesive.
> 
> How long before you think you must have her? How long before you take action to destroy something that is already perfectly beautiful ie her marriage.
> 
> ...


I think you're being incredibly unfair and judgmental. Where have I given you any reason to believe that I'm going to commit these acts that you're envisioning? I think you're letting your imagination run away on you.


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## intrigid (May 21, 2012)

sandc said:


> Would you really want to have a relationship with a woman who lies to a man she took a vow to be faithful to?


I understand that you're trying to make her seem less appealing to me. But what you're saying implies that any relationship beyond a first marriage is somehow disgraceful or contemptible. It implies that people can't be forgiven for making a mistake. That argument just has a religious-ey vibe to it and doesn't really work. But I appreciate your input nonetheless.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

intrigid said:


> I understand that you're trying to make her seem less appealing to me. But what you're saying implies that any relationship beyond a first marriage is somehow disgraceful or contemptible. It implies that people can't be forgiven for making a mistake. That argument just has a religious-ey vibe to it and doesn't really work. But I appreciate your input nonetheless.


Not at all IMO.

Sandc spoke about lying. If your dream woman wants you, and has an affair with you while married, that is different from divorcing in order to explore a relationship with you.

One is cheating, the other is owning and addressing a bad decision.


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## intrigid (May 21, 2012)

Thanks everyone for your input. I'm really just trying to reach out for support in every "safe" place I can. Even though I've touched on hypothetical fantasies where the two of us end up together, please know that these are just hypotheticals, and I'm only mentioning them because it's the only way to respond to certain peoples' arguments. Me coming out of the blue and telling this woman how I feel is something that is simply not going to happen.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

intrigid said:


> Thanks everyone for your input. I'm really just trying to reach out for support in every "safe" place I can. Even though I've touched on hypothetical fantasies where the two of us end up together, please know that these are just hypotheticals, and I'm only mentioning them because it's the only way to respond to certain peoples' arguments. Me coming out of the blue and telling this woman how I feel is something that is simply not going to happen.


But are you going to pursue her in a more subtle way, even knowing she is married?

Affairs can come into being over small steps.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

intrigid said:


> I think you're being incredibly unfair and judgmental. Where have I given you any reason to believe that I'm going to commit these acts that you're envisioning? I think you're letting your imagination run away on you.


Ok let me clarify. Im not the best at wording so I apologize. What I am saying is thosw are a possibility. I am not trying to be judgemental in the least. Merely show you where things could possibly end up. I am not saying its what you will do ... I am saying its what might happen. No its not just my imagination either considering I have had a friend in exactly the same boat as you. He was infatuated with a married woman, got angry and wanted her attention all the time and even threatened souicide which was utterly nuts imo. 

No matter how I tried to point out to him that his behavior was out of line... He just got worse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## intrigid (May 21, 2012)

Wazza said:


> If your dream woman wants you, and has an affair with you while married, that is different from divorcing in order to explore a relationship with you.


Who said anything about having an affair with a married woman? I guess people just assumed that's what I was talking about. Not at all. I would never pursue a relationship with her unless she and her husband were already completely broken up. And I would never do anything to try to make that happen.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

intrigid said:


> Who said anything about having an affair with a married woman? I guess people just assumed that's what I was talking about. Not at all. I would never pursue a relationship with her unless she and her husband were already completely broken up. And I would never do anything to try to make that happen.


Yes we did assume considering a few have come here with infatuations for married men/ women before and were just looking for someone to cheer them on and go ahead and pursue the married one... Damn anyone else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## intrigid (May 21, 2012)

Gaia said:


> I am saying its what might happen. No its not just my imagination either considering I have had a friend in exactly the same boat as you. He was infatuated with a married woman, got angry and wanted her attention all the time and even threatened souicide which was utterly nuts imo.
> 
> No matter how I tried to point out to him that his behavior was out of line... He just got worse.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I feel sorry for your friend. I also have known people to fall into that same black hole of desperation and obsession. First, I think these people don't understand in a logical sense how their methods aren't going to work. I think they also have trouble understanding that no person, ever, enjoys being "loved" to the point of obsession. They haven't figured out that positive emotions should always be expressed in a positive way.

I know that you can't create a positive relationship based on negative emotions. I learned this the hard way as a teenager. So I can say with enough confidence that I won't end up in the same very sad and unfortunate circumstance as your friend.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I think it's good that you're trying to put this behind you, intrigid. How do *you* see this ending?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Then you are clever enough to know this will go nowhere good while the woman is still taken. My first suggestion remains the same. Tell your girlfriend, leave the married woman alone, and find a single woman who lights up your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A++ (May 21, 2012)

intrigid said:


> I've been pretty much completely honest with my girlfriend about my feelings, except I haven't told her the name of the girl I'm in love with. She knows that I don't feel "love" for her, and while it can be hard for her to accept, our relationship continues on. I've tried to break up with her on 2 or 3 occasions, but upon seeing how much it hurt her, I didn't have the heart to go through with it.


I feel very sorry for your girlfriend... 

She deserves someone who can love her 100% and her ONLY, that will give her the love and individual attention she deserves. 

You have to break up with her, eventually you will, do it now, don't lead her on as well as stop using, wasting her precious time.


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## intrigid (May 21, 2012)

Wazza said:


> But are you going to pursue her in a more subtle way, even knowing she is married?


I will confess this much:

Let's suppose she feels the same way about me as I do about her. Extremely unlikely but let's just suppose. I already told her that I'm thinking of breaking up with my girlfriend. Let's say she sees this an an opportunity. She would pretty much have to specifically ask me who I'm love with, and if she persisted after some vague responses from me, I would admit that it's her.

At that point, if she made an advance on me, I wouldn't reject her. However, I would tell her that she must decide whether she wants to be with her husband, and only if she were completely single would I consider it.

That's pretty much the only scenario where I would tell her how I feel. I don't know, maybe that clears up some confusion.


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## intrigid (May 21, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> I think it's good that you're trying to put this behind you, intrigid. How do *you* see this ending?


Most likely, I see my feelings as just a little token I keep inside me. I'll probably always feel a little something for her at least. I'll just try to keep my spirit (but not my hopes) up and trust that someday not too far in the future, I'll be able to experience those same feelings with someone who feels the same way about me and is available. Even if this isn't likely to happen, convincing myself that it's all going to be OK does seem to boost my spirits and make me feel better.


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## intrigid (May 21, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Then you are clever enough to know this will go nowhere good while the woman is still taken. My first suggestion remains the same. Tell your girlfriend, leave the married woman alone, and find a single woman who lights up your life.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And to repeat myself again, I agree with you and that's exactly my intention.


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## intrigid (May 21, 2012)

A++ said:


> You have to break up with her, eventually you will, do it now, don't lead her on as well as stop using, wasting her precious time.


You're very right. It's just so damned hard to inflict pain on someone when you only want the best for them. I'm not very good at that at all.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

intrigid said:


> Who said anything about having an affair with a married woman? I guess people just assumed that's what I was talking about. Not at all. I would never pursue a relationship with her unless she and her husband were already completely broken up. And I would never do anything to try to make that happen.


Well from your first post I get the feeling you may be flirting. I know you say you have no ulterior motives but I am questioning that.



> We continue to interact with each other almost on a daily basis. This mostly involves her walking by my desk, smiling at me and saying hi. Though she's a friendly person, in all these years I can't remember seeing her do this with anyone else. *Now that I think about it, my feelings for her often come out in small gestures. When we see each other in the hall, kitchen, etc, I say "Hi [her name]!" in that kind of tone of voice that really means "I'm happy to see you!". I normally hate small talk, but with her it just seems automatic. At times I compliment her on how she's dressed (no really, she dresses herself THAT good), and she's done the same to me. One time, by coincidence, we happened to be going to the same place for ice cream at the exact same time. So I treated her to ice cream which seemed to make her very happy. I never had any ulterior motive behind any of these actions. It just makes me so happy when I do this, and when I do something that makes her smile, it gives me those "butterfly" feelings in my chest.*
> 
> Recently, we were talking about vacation destinations, and I mentioned that I was thinking about going somewhere tropical with my girlfriend sometime in the future. My secret love instant-messaged me at work, asking me what the situation was between me and my girlfriend, and if we're planning on getting married. I explained to her, well no, because I don't love her. Then I pretty much opened up her like a faucet (regarding my girlfriend) and explained all the dynamics in our relationship. I explained that I decided to be with her because I needed a companion at the time and she was "good enough".
> 
> I then went on to explain that one of the reasons I can't marry her is that I know the feeling of love, that I feel it for other girls, and I don't feel it with my girlfriend. She then asked me "Really, any girls in particular that you're in love with?" I somewhat dodged the question by saying no, no "eligible" girls. She voiced her opinion that it's not fair for me keep her in a relationship if we're not meant for each other. I agreed, saying we've been telling each other that for a long time. I also told her in our conversation that I've been thinking about breaking up with her (which is true). She basically said "Good luck, I know you'll do the right thing..."


You are probably going to reply and say bi am reading too much into all this, and maybe I am....or maybe you are in denial. 

My job here is to give you ideas to consider. You don't have to agree with them, and I am not always right.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I advise against telling or hinting anything to this woman while she is married. Even if both of you did have feelings for one another you have to take into account her husband as	well. Your girlfriend and her husband would be very hurt. They arent chopped liver, they have feelings as well. 

Of course if you arent happy with your gf, dont be afraid to set her free. She may be hurt but she will find someone who loves her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## intrigid (May 21, 2012)

Wazza said:


> Well from your first post I get the feeling you may be flirting. I know you say you have no ulterior motives but I am questioning that.


Not sure how you interpreted my original post, but I can assure you that what I said was true. Absolutely none of those gestures had any subcouncious trace it of leading to anything else.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

intrigid said:


> Not sure how you interpreted my original post, but I can assure you that what I said was true. Absolutely none of those gestures had any subcouncious trace it of leading to anything else.


Not accusing you of lying, but I am suggesting you are naive.

If her marriage is in a rocky place and she has any feelings for you, then flirting with her is probably weakening her marriage whether that is your intention or not. What you are doing is EXACTLY what starts many affairs.

This is the same point I made in my first post. Your words seem to come from a Hollywood script, not a considered opinion of how relationships work.

You are setting things up to hurt a lot of people. You talked about deserving happiness, yet you not only risk the happiness of her husband and child (because your "innocent" scenario is nothing more than an offer to have a relationship with her if she dumps them) but you are treating your girlfriend very badly.

Look past your words and thoughts. Look at your ACTIONS.


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## intrigid (May 21, 2012)

Wazza said:


> If her marriage is in a rocky place and she has any feelings for you, then flirting with her is probably weakening her marriage whether that is your intention or not. What you are doing is EXACTLY what starts many affairs.


I'm getting a very pro-marriage vibe from your comments. I don't mean pro-marriage in the sense that people have the right to be married. I mean pro-marriage in the sense that people should stay married no how matter how bad their relationship is. This is something I've always disagreed with, even when kids are involved. But on a website called "Talk About Marriage", I can respect the fact that many will disagree.

All I can say is if the marriage is as bad as you say it might be, I wouldn't lose a wink of sleep over its failure.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

You should. Every relationship has its ups and downs and the fact that you think it perfectly fine if you aid in desolving one gives the impression that you really dont believe in commitment or relationships for that matter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

intrigid said:


> I'm getting a very pro-marriage vibe from your comments. I don't mean pro-marriage in the sense that people have the right to be married. I mean pro-marriage in the sense that people should stay married no how matter how bad their relationship is. This is something I've always disagreed with, even when kids are involved. But on a website called "Talk About Marriage", I can respect the fact that many will disagree.
> 
> All I can say is if the marriage is as bad as you say it might be, I wouldn't lose a wink of sleep over its failure.


Well, personally yes I am pro marriage, but that is not what is behind my comments.

Marriages go through ups and downs. During the downs, it is comparatively easy for a predator to come in and take advantage of the situation to start an affair. That causes a lot of hurt for a lot of people. If you question that, let me know and I'll post you links to threads where this has happened. People get very very hurt by that. Often the cheaters, which is what you and your amore would be, as well as the cheated on.

If that is what you want to do, find the weakness and take her out of the marriage, regardless of consequences, then that is your choice. 

But at the moment, you are voicing lots of noble sentiments while at the same time doing more or less what you would do if you were trying to start an affair.

I am saying your words and actions don't appear to gel. I think you should either stop messing around with the lives of a married woman and her family, or admit that is what you want to do and stop talking about how moral you are being.

Sorry, not trying to hurt you. Just giving you a perspective. It's not a question of my pro marriage beliefs. It's a question of whether you are being honest with yourself and understanding what you are really doing. 

We are strangers on the Internet. I'm not trying to insult you or hurt your feelings. But neither will I waste time mollycoddling you while you flirt with starting an affair and ruining a marriage.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

intrigid said:


> I'm getting a very pro-marriage vibe from your comments. I don't mean pro-marriage in the sense that people have the right to be married. I mean pro-marriage in the sense that people should stay married no how matter how bad their relationship is. This is something I've always disagreed with, even when kids are involved. But on a website called "Talk About Marriage", I can respect the fact that many will disagree.
> 
> All I can say is if the marriage is as bad as you say it might be, I wouldn't lose a wink of sleep over its failure.


If you are pursuing a married woman you are by definition a predator. If she is already divorced then you are free to engage. Until then you are a predator. 

Now you may get lucky but you are taking a big risk.

I suggest you take this to a cheating site to get some pointers on how to continue this way if you do not like what you are told here. Otherwise I see you pushing this as taunting.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

intrigid said:


> I understand that you're trying to make her seem less appealing to me. But what you're saying implies that any relationship beyond a first marriage is somehow disgraceful or contemptible. It implies that people can't be forgiven for making a mistake. That argument just has a religious-ey vibe to it and doesn't really work. But I appreciate your input nonetheless.


It works perfectly. When someone makes a promise, they should keep the promise. Religion or not. 

Beyond the marriage is fine. If she gets divorced then you should feel free to pursue her. But you given us nothing to indicate her marriage is anything but healthy and happy. For you to want to bust that up because you have a crush is incredibly selfish on your part.

I don't know what you came here looking for but this forum is pro-marriage for the most part.


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## intrigid (May 21, 2012)

sandc said:


> It works perfectly. When someone makes a promise, they should keep the promise. Religion or not.


OK, so you are against divorce.



> Beyond the marriage is fine. If she gets divorced then you should feel free to pursue her. But you given us nothing to indicate her marriage is anything but healthy and happy. For you to want to bust that up because you have a crush is incredibly selfish on your part.


Not once did I ever say that I wanted to bust a happy marriage. You should try reading over some of my posts again for clarification.



> I don't know what you came here looking for but this forum is pro-marriage for the most part.


If you re-read my posts and pay attention, I've made it quite clear why I posted here.

I understand that this forum is pro-marriage and I'm taking that into account.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

The question was how to deal with feelings for married woman.

So we are trying to make it clear that you need to do what ever you can to not have these feelings and for sure not to act on them.

If you cannot and you work with her there is a one way you can really help. Get another job. You need to go through withdrawal.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

If this chick is consuming your thoughts, you really ought to at LEAST switch departments and try to stop talking to and fantasizing about her. What's more important, your job (Notice you didn't say career) or your mental health? You haven't even set up your own boundaries by the sounds of it. You buy this chick ice cream and crap and go out of your way to talk to her..

Uhh.. Stop it? 

Is it really that you're unwilling to switch departments.. or you just don't want to stop talking to her?


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

intrigid said:


> OK, so you are against divorce.
> 
> *No, I am against affairs. See the difference?*
> 
> ...



Excellent. So what is your plan to deal with these feelings? For starters I would suggestion you draw up a no contact agreement with yourself. You've said you don't want to pursue her while she's married. Make an agreement with yourself to not attempt to contact her for anything other than business reasons. Make an attempt to meet other women.


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## intrigid (May 21, 2012)

kipani said:


> If this chick is consuming your thoughts, you really ought to at LEAST switch departments and try to stop talking to and fantasizing about her. What's more important, your job (Notice you didn't say career)


Actually I did:



intrigid said:


> I'm not going to sabotage my career over a woman.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I do not intend this to be mean. You may want to seek some professional counseling.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

Actually you did what? Have you attempted any form of no contact? At all? From what I gather from that comment, you've decided not to switch departments? Am I wrong? As long as you keep talking to her, the feelings won't go away. That's all we're saying.


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## intrigid (May 21, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> I do not intend this to be mean. You may want to seek some professional counseling.


LOL, I guess lots of people are skimming over what I write.



intrigid said:


> I've also got myself a referral to a psychiatrist who I should be able to meet with sometime next month.








OK everyone, thanks for your comments. I think I'll bow out of the thread now. It looks like this thread is long enough that people aren't able to follow all the details anymore. I won't be following any of the more rash suggestions like switching jobs/locations or treating her less nice. But I will strive to keep my feelings to myself and keep the faith that I'll meet the right girl.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

intrigid said:


> Most likely, I see my feelings as just a little token I keep inside me. I'll probably always feel a little something for her at least. I'll just try to keep my spirit (but not my hopes) up and trust that someday not too far in the future, I'll be able to experience those same feelings with someone who feels the same way about me and is available. Even if this isn't likely to happen, convincing myself that it's all going to be OK does seem to boost my spirits and make me feel better.


So in other words, you want us to keep the wool over our eyes. You do not sound at all like you're wanting to do the right thing and nip this in the bud. You're hoping she'll take the bait and be responsive. Your conversation was not innocent. It doesn't let you off the hook. If she does respond, it makes her the kind of woman who would let herself betray her spouse. And I still feel for that poor kid.

You said you wanted to stop thinking about her in your original post. When I asked how you envisioned ending it, I was asking how you would put a stop to it. What you wrote instead is an attempt to encourage it.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

intrigid said:


> Not once did I ever say that I wanted to bust a happy marriage. You should try reading over some of my posts again for clarification.


No, you said very clearly that you don't want to do that. I agree. What I and others are telling you is that your actions risk damaging her marriage. But you don't want it hear it. 

I assume you have never seen an affair develop at close quarters, ad have no idea how it happens. Otherwise you would realise you are doing it.

You are not listening...for example accusing SandC of being anti divorce when he said no such thing. To back and read, as you have advised others to do, if you don't follow through with quitting this post.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

intrigid said:


> LOL, I guess lots of people are skimming over what I write.
> 
> 
> Actually I would say most here know exactly what you have written but you do not understand the implications of what you have admitted to.
> ...


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

If the OP has bowed out, then this is probably a pointless post. But I'll continue on.

How much do you really know about this woman? Are you even friends with her? From what I can tell, the two of you are casual acquaintances at best. You two don't even socialize in the same circles otherwise. You have no idea what real love is. You don't love this woman. You are probably feeling attraction to her and this attraction is strengthened because she will socialize with you at work and be nice while doing it. You can easily push this woman out of your mind and cut off these feelings if you make a serious effort. Simply put, you are not making a serious effort to disassociate yourself from her. 

Ask yourself this question: How will you ever discover your REAL special girl for you if you continue to carry these feelings for this married woman - who you REALLY do not know much about? For all you know, you may have already missed a few chances at real happiness because you continue to dally with a stupid fantasy. 

One more suggestion for you: If you are as career oriented as you claim to be, then why in the world are you restricting your dating sphere to the workplace? Stop dating coworkers. In fact, when you enter your workplace you need to flip the switch that will officially shut off all romantic feelings and desires to date your coworkers.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

intrigid said:


> This is pretty much going to be a verbal diary of my past 3 years, so if you're in the mood for some boring nonsense, read on...
> 
> I'm trying to deal with feelings I have for a married woman. I met her 3 years ago when she was hired into my department. When I met her, I pretty much instantly fell in love with her. When I learned that she was married and had a son, I was understandably disappointed. I pretty much subconsciously filed these feelings away in the "oh well" folder and continued on in my search for a partner.
> 
> ...


Your co-worker will never be your girlfriend.

The sooner you realize this, the better for your mental & emotional health.

Break-up with your current girlfriend & start dating single women. Eventually, you will meet someone & fall in love.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Intrigid may not be chiming in, but I imagine he's still reading, if only to see if someone will finally "understand" him.

The problem is that we mid-lifers see his situation all too well, but he's probably still young enough that he can't wrap his head around that.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

You must really hate your job to risk losing it over dating co-workers.

All it takes is one crazy girl and you're sitting in front of corp lawyers talking about sexual harassment.

When you listen to the little head more than the big head, you get yourself into alot of trouble. Been there, done that.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Originally Posted by intrigid 
I'm not going to sabotage my career over a woman.

How is it that he feels this woman is this special yet this comment smacks of detain over a mere "woman"

Yes I know he didn't actually say mere but that is the feel of it.


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## truelight (Dec 14, 2012)

Hi this is my first post here. Honestly I was reading to see what advice would be provided for this guy, in light of his straightforward questioning, and I was a little surprised at the harsh and accusatory tone in most of the responses here. I was also surprised to see this person being accused of so many things he was clearly not doing (although he obviously wanted to do those things very badly and was beginning to walk in a danger zone and was struggling with that question!) But I just saw someone who was being sincere and responsible all along (he DID tell his gf the truth, he DID avoid pursuing the person he had feelings for), and who was at a breaking point and in danger of doing the wrong thing, and he was calling out for help and struggling with all of this and genuinely looking to resolve this situation for himself and to avoid hurting anyone. Clearly that's what I saw! Maybe everyone was reacting out of a preemptive protectiveness, but please forgive me if I have some blind spots in not recognizing any malevolence and please forgive him for having some blind spots (which is what he was saying!) So only because I saw this person treated mostly like a villain I couldn't even read the advice that was provided here (however good it might be)... I just saw someone under attack. I hope you understand.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Truelight, one of the benefits of being on a site like this is that it's possible to get a "real" response instead of one that's likely to happen in the "real" world where people pretend to support you by being polite and then gossip and betray you otherwise.

Plus, you'll find that the people here do genuinely care, but will not buy into excuses and justifications. If you read only the posts by Intrigid in this thread, without reading anyone's replies, I think you'll notice that there are contradictions that reveal he's saying one thing but really thinking something else. The responders here have picked up on it and are challenging him. He can benefit if he'll pay attention. If he doesn't like what he sees, he'll go on and do things in whatever way he sees fit.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

truelight said:


> Hi this is my first post here. Honestly I was reading to see what advice would be provided for this guy, in light of his straightforward questioning, and I was a little surprised at the harsh and accusatory tone in most of the responses here. I was also surprised to see this person being accused of so many things he was clearly not doing (although he obviously wanted to do those things very badly and was beginning to walk in a danger zone and was struggling with that question!) But I just saw someone who was being sincere and responsible all along (he DID tell his gf the truth, he DID avoid pursuing the person he had feelings for), and who was at a breaking point and in danger of doing the wrong thing, and he was calling out for help and struggling with all of this and genuinely looking to resolve this situation for himself and to avoid hurting anyone. Clearly that's what I saw! Maybe everyone was reacting out of a preemptive protectiveness, but please forgive me if I have some blind spots in not recognizing any malevolence and please forgive him for having some blind spots (which is what he was saying!) So only because I saw this person treated mostly like a villain I couldn't even read the advice that was provided here (however good it might be)... I just saw someone under attack. I hope you understand.


I guess i am one you see as an attacker. I so, I apologise to you and him.

I promise you, there was no malevolence intended in my posts. 

The thing to consider is, some people go looking for affairs and others fall into them. I was making an argument that he was in danger of falling into one.

I still believe that, and that doesn't mean I think he is doing it deliberately. But that won't make the damage any less should it happen.


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