# Post divorce, dealing with the ex



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I have spent the last year on the infidelity forum, short story, wife cheated, divorce was final Feb. 4th, of this year. 

Current situation; Both the kids live with me, no shared parenting, ex moved in with her boyfriend. We have two big events this summer with the kids, my daughter graduates high school and my son turns 16. At first I was going to have a party for each event here at the house, the ex flipped out when I told her she could not bring her boyfriend. She has gone back and forth several times in the last five weeks, from screaming that I need to get over it to agreeing it is the right thing to do for the kids and than back to if her boyfriend can't come than she wont either. I am very business like when I deal with her, no yelling or arguing on my part. Where I am now is I just don't trust her, she will say OK, I won't bring him and then she will show up with him because she knows I will not cause a scene and ruin things for the kids. 

I am exhausted from dealing with this kind of behavior from her, I really want to just wash my hands of her forever. So that is my question. How harmful would it be for the kids if I tell the ex from here foreward she can do her thing and I will do mine but there will be no combined events. This isn't a matter of my not being over her, I really just can't stand dealing with her anymore. And yes I can forsee a lot of the complications this can cause, and yes she will tell the kids it was my decision.

How do other divorced people deal with this?

Cooper


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## Country Girl (Apr 19, 2009)

Hi Cooper!

This is an interesting topic. As I prepare for my own divorce, that is something my counselor and I have been discussing as well. I know what you mean about not wanting to see the cheating ex there with the boyfriend (girlfriend in my case). It is hard! I'm just hoping these situations get less awkward. My counselor tells me I'm going to have to get used to the ex coming to events with a date and eventually a spouse. She tells me time will help with the emotional side of the situation. There will be future events like the children's weddings that will have to include both sides of the family. But, for events like the ones you are planning, I think it would be okay for you and the children to do your own thing without the ex. Have you asked the children what they would like? Since my children are teenagers, I try to ask them now. Oddly enough, lately they seem to want to do things separately--either them with me or them with their dad.


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

This really isn't your decision, it's the kids...there are times we have to just grin and bear it when it comes to our kids and our exes and their new partners...if the kids want their mother there and a condition for that is her BF, then back off and let it happen.

If you don't want him at your house then move the parties somewhere neutral...

If the kids don't want the BF there then they need to tell their mother that and if she choses not to come, then that's on her, but it's not really your decision or place to decide.

The only thing you can decide is to not have him at your home so move the party...

Blessed Be,
Preacher


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I hear what you both are saying about my ex and her boyfriend coming to family events, I really can deal with that. My biggest issue right now is dealing with her in preparing an event, she is undependable and a liar. She wants all the invitations so she can fill them out, she will never do it, she will tell me she will help set up but she wont, she will offer to pay for part but I will never see any money. I will tell her we need to keep it to forty people and she will tell eighty, I could go on and on. That is what I do not want to deal with anymore! Her boyfriend will not come to my house but I would never expect them not to come to the kids other functions. I guess I am just looking for a way to completly disengage from dealing with her in anything where I would have to depend on her help. And yes, I have already told her I would handle all the preparations but she is having none of that. As far as what the kids want, of coarse they want their mother there, but I will not ask them to decide about the boyfriend, all that would do is conflict them on which parent they should hurt. A neutral place solves that but it doesn't solve my issue of dealing with her.

As I was typing this message the ex called, her and my daughter have been planning for several weeks on taking a weekend trip to the college my daughter is planning on attending. All the plans and reservations have been made, the ex just told me she can't go because she forgot about a horse ride she has that weekend. I told her to skip the ride this was more important and she said she couldn't because then she wouldn't get her hours award(plaque) at the end of the season. This is the crap I am talking about! I am happy to go with my daughter but we were already there once, this trip was for her mom to see it. 

Cooper


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## Country Girl (Apr 19, 2009)

I honestly don't know what for you to do. I'm going to be there also. My ex to be can't do anything without lying. Then, when he is supposed to do something, it just ain't happen'! I've got to the point I hate to even see him within a mile of me. I fully understand what you mean. After how your ex did your daughter, I would do my own thing with the kids and their parties. If your ex objects, just remind her how she ruined the college weekend. Tell her she is welcome to attend, but refuse to let her participate in the planning stage. She should realize it is more important to spend time with family than attend a horse ride. Heck, I've missed plenty of horse shows due to family events. She really has no sense of priorities! How does your daughter feel about the college weekend disaster? I hope she sees where she ranks with her mother. Second to the horse, obviously. That stinks!


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## Andrea (Sep 11, 2007)

I think Cooper, it is your choice if you dont want the ex there. It is not the kids decision if they want the bf there or not cause I think you are right about them hurting either one parent. dont set them up for that. 

Your ex sounds like mine as far as bringing in the gf/gf to parties and function for the kids. I would foot the entire bill, do all the prep, etc etc. He didnt help or pay his half. To this day he still doesnt. If you pay for it and you throw a party, there shouldnt be any uninvited guests allowed. My ex used to bring the girlfriend of the week to whatever party or function and immediately my kids could tell that their mom was uncomfortable. We used to sit together at school functions to show them that mommy and daddy do get along when in reality, i didnt want to deal with him. So now, he does his own things for the kids and I do things for the kids. Things have been alot better since I have made that decision. 

Also, I think its great that you keep things business like. Honestly, there is no way that we can be friends and let emotions get in the way. I am very business like with my ex, its alot easier that way.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

This is a sad statement but the kids and I are use to being disappointed but my ex'es actions. My daughter had to work till ten last night and when she got home I asked if her mom had called and told her about the "conflict" for their trip, she said yea, it's no big deal. Very easy to tell she was upset but she didn't want to talk, just take a shower and go to bed. The ex does the same thing to my son, big plans! We will do this and then that! Two weekends in a row she has made plans with him and then got "busy" and canceled. She did come pick him up Tues. before last and took him to dinner, less than two hours with him. 

Here is my plan. I am going to let her be involved with the graduation party, I will expect little from her so I wont be disappointed! The party will be here at the house, he boyfriend will not attend. But that will be it, the last thing together. I am going to talk to my ex father and mother in laws this weekend and explain how it will be going forward. They will understand, they are good people and we still have a great relationship. 

Country girl I understand how you cringe when you see your ex coming, I am to the point where I cringe when I see the light flashing on the answering machine! 

Thanks for the help,
Cooper


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

I sure do hate to hear all this coop and countrygirl, that crap has got to be tough to deal with. I sure hope I don't end up in that kind of situation and honestly don't think I will. But ya never know do ya?


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## now_what (Sep 17, 2008)

I have a somewhat similar issue. After a 30 year marriage, my husband left me seven months ago to shack up with a woman he claims he had only been with for two months beforehand. Our dissolution was final one month ago and I was dealing with things pretty well until last week when I found out that he had taken out a marriage license 14 days after our dissolution was final. He had asked me for his birth certificate a couple of months ago, but said that he had no plans for marriage, when I jokingly asked him if he was going to get married. I believe they did get married because he was on vacation for two weeks yet didn't mention going on vacation to anyone.

We have three children 16, 23, 25. The big problem is (in my eyes at least) that he has never even mentioned this woman to the children at all. They all know he is living with her, but it's the proverbial elephant in the room kind of situation, if he just doesn't talk about it, maybe no one will notice. He doesn't talk about her, he has never even mentioned a word about his leaving or us divorcing - nothing.

Anyhow, my younger daughter has two big musical performances with her ensemble group this weekend. He said he was going to attend, but has not mentioned that he was bringing girlfriend/wife (whatever). I don't think this is the appropriate place for him to spring the mystery woman on our daughter, especially if they have gotten married. My daughter knows that I saw their marriage license in the paper, because I got upset.

I really don't want to run into him at the concert with his girlfriend/wife. I don't want them to even be near me. I am so tired of his lies and coverups - he is such a coward about things. When he left he couldn't even tell me that he was leaving - he sent me an email and snuck out of the house while I was at work and did not speak to me for 4 1/2 months because he was afraid. 

I know I want him to be at family events for the children's sake
- but if he thinks I will welcome his woman - he is nuts. If he could just be upfront about things it would help some. But to get married and not even tell your own children - that's just wrong.

We have been very civil to each other, but to see that he remarried so quickly and lied about it to boot - If not for our children - I wouldn't care if I ever saw or spoke to him again.

I don't know the right way to work this out. I don't want to cause more problems - but he has created a lot of these himself.


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## Country Girl (Apr 19, 2009)

All I've got to say is this.... it is a wonder there aren't more killings in this country! lol With the stuff these cheaters pull, it makes things difficult for everyone. The sad part is that they see nothing wrong. It's hard, but I try to put on a happy face where my children are concerned. I may be smiling at these events while I'm dying inside. I just hope the counselor is right about time dulling the emotional aspect of these situations.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

You know if your ex'es are like mine you will be thankful very quickly you are divorced, it's tuff to accept in the beginning but you get to like it.

Here is another example of why I am glad to be rid of her. She informed the kids she will be gone on mothers day but they could get together tonight(Thur.). Came home from work and there are two message's on the machine. First message is my ex saying she couldn't pick up my son from track practice but would get him later, it was never discussed her getting him from practice, I picked him up on the way home from work as always. Second message is her again saying she will be here to pick him up at 5:00 and they were meeting my daughter for dinner. That was at 4:30, I yell to my son that his mom will be here in half an hour and he says she isn't coming. She sent him a text saying she got busy and would see him next week sometime. This is why I hate her and want her completly out of my life, she is a terrible parent and a terrible person, never fails to disappoint. When she left she made a big deal out of wanting her dog and her horses, but thought nothing of leaving the kids behind. Does she think they don't notice these things? I never say anything bad about her to the kids but I am sick and tired of trying to convince them she loves them! 

Do you think if I wish upon a falling star I could wish it to fall upon her head!

Sorry, that was my vent of the day.

Cooper


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## now_what (Sep 17, 2008)

Wow Cooper, I can see why she drives you nuts. At least my ex doesn't do anything like that so I guess I should be thankful.

Surely your ex should be able to see the harm she is doing to the kids - or is she just too oblivious to it all?

My ex's problem is that he is just a coward - I would have so much more respect for him if he would just acknowledge his actions - instead of pretending nothing has happened. Good grief man, you got married again and didn't even tell your kids!! Until he can grow up a bit, I will keep contact with him to a minimum. He just doesn't get either how his actions affect others - he is only thinking of himself.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

now_what, I think being oblivious to others feelings is a common trait among cheaters, how else could they do some of the things they do? How could your ex get remarried and not tell the kids? Who does that? I am sure at some point my ex will claim I have turned the kids against her even though I have said nothing negative about her to the kids. People like her are totally blind to the repercussions of their actions, that is what allows them to cheat and lie in the first place.

Cooper


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## Country Girl (Apr 19, 2009)

Cooper said:


> People like her are totally blind to the repercussions of their actions, that is what allows them to cheat and lie in the first place.
> 
> Cooper


I completely agree! It is a serious character flaw.

That's really rotten how your ex has done the children for the Mother's Day weekend. I can't understand how a mother can do that! Have your children received any counseling? This sort of behavior has got to be tearing them up inside.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Do the kids talk with you or a therapist about mom?

I remember this BS when my mother's second marriage tanked. She married an addict. Only time he wanted to interact with my brother (his biological son) was when it made him look good, particularly sporting events. Couldn't have given a crap otherwise.

Best thing I learned in counseling as a young adult? Parents don't get a free pass. They aren't immune to selfish, stupid, hurtful behavior, and you have no obligation to tolerate it as their child, especially an adult child.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Cooper here,

My daughter has gone to counseling but my son has not, I put the option out there right in the beginning. I spoke with the counselor my daughter went to and she said if my son doesn't want to go just let it go for awhile, and that's what I have done. I do talk to them both about how this situation affects them, but not specifically about there mom's actions. I have to be careful what I say, both the kids get upset by her but they also are very quick to come to her defense if I say anything, especially my daughter. My daughter did tell me last night the reason her mom isn't going to be around on mothers day, she is going out of state with her boyfriend to visit his first wife's grave. That is fine but she still needs to see her own kids.

You know Country girl you described cheaters as having a major character flaw and I agree 100%. I didn't get divorced because my wife cheated, I got divorced because I was married to someone who found it so easy to cheat and lie, I just can't figure out why I stayed so long.

Cooper


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