# The day I dread



## lost hunter

I am currently waiting for the court to process the paperwork, so that I will offically be single. I'm doing great, and have come to terms with it, but there is one more hurdle that I need to face. Seeing her with another man.

I always figured that it would take her some time before she would start dating, but after a week of changes made by her, I'm not so sure. She has changed her name back to her maiden namd, and joined a dating website within this past week. I must admit, that this really stung. I am no way near ready to start looking for someone, and she is already putting herself out there. I am just not sure how I will be if I see her out in public with another man.

We have only be separated from a 14 year relationship since December, and I assumed that it would take her a while to get over it. Of course, she is the one that wanted out, so I'm sure her healing time was a lot shorter. 

I guess my question is, what was it like and what did you do the first time you bumped into your ex with their first post divorce date?


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## angelpixie

It is hard to prepare yourself for this. In most cases, it's not that the recovery time was necessarily shorter, but the detachment may have started long before you ever knew about it. 

My ex always had a lot of female friends (one of the problems we had --- no boundaries on his part, and several EAs during our marriage). I knew his first 'girlfriend' would probably be from his posse of 'friends.' She is. So, for me, it was the transition of having someone who had been to our house for dinner with her then-boyfriend, who I had gone to lunch with, etc., now suddenly becoming my husband's girlfriend. They started openly dating over a year before our divorce. 

I tried to prepare myself before I actually had to see it in person. They put photos of themselves up on FB, and hard as it was to see them, I'd force myself to look. And cry. Rinse, repeat, until I was more numb. 

Also, realizing that the person who is doing this to you most likely was planning on this while still married to you might just make you angry enough that you start to see her differently.
She is that other guy's problem now. Let her think about cheating on him, not you. 

I know it's really hard after a long marriage to get into such a different mindset. You thought she'd always be with you, not looking for dates. I'm sorry you're going through this. But it really helps to see her not as that person you thought you were married to. She has changed. That person is gone, and you don't want someone who would treat you like this. Those kinds of thoughts helped. 

FYI: The gf has been moved in since Christmas, and they've been inseparable for over a year. I never thought it would stop hurting at least a little. But I really only get a twinge very rarely now, and it passes almost instantaneously. I don't know if it ever completely goes away when you've been with someone so long, but it does get much, much better. Hang in there.


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## Shooboomafoo

My ex had no problems with pre-divorce dates. Just "out with a friend" and then overnights, coming home in the afternoon the next day. for me, that pretty much summed up the fact that she was someone I no longer knew, and for whatever the cause of her cut and run mentality, she was already involved in someone else...
I see them together and think, this guy just bought himself the next ten years like the last were with me... HA HA HAAAA!!!!! SUCKER!!!!


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## Welsh TXN

My ex also had no problems having the OM come over late at night and leave early in the morning during the divorce process or going out drinking as just friends with other people we knew and saying I was having to work away she finally came out 3 days after the divorce to the family she had a new bf and went away with him for weekend I didn't date by did make new friends in the town I moved to and got on with life
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## C3156

I think it is hardest for the one that was left behind to come to terms with the stbx starting to date. It has only been a couple of months and I have been told it takes about a year for every 4/5 years of marriage to be really done with the healing process. Not to scare you, it took me a while after 15 years together too. It is especially bad if you stay in the same area.

One thing I would do if I were you, is to detach yourself from monitoring your stbx. Don't check her social media or follow her on dating sites and such. You are only setting yourself up for disappointment. Unless you have children, adopt a no-contact policy with her. No contact except in an emergency. If you run into her by accident, you run into her. Just a "Hi" and keep moving.

Besides, can't be to much worse than me. When my ex wife started to date, she decided to bring home other women


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## JustSomeGuyWho

Well, I can only relate ... sort of. A couple years back I separated from my wife. We came within an inch of divorcing but we eventually reconciled. The reconciliation isn't going all that well; we are roommates essentially. My wife is an extremely large (morbidly obese) fundamentalist christian woman who has little interest in sex. I guess I never really considered that she would date. 

Well, there were red flags during the course of the separation that I thought were curious but after we reconciled she looked me straight in the eye and told me she never saw anybody else during the separation. This is a woman that in 20 years I had never caught in a lie. A few weeks ago I found her secret email account that led me to her secret dating site accounts and her secret facebook account. I confronted, starting to ask simple questions that I already knew the answer to, each more revealing than the next. She lied, admitted, minimized, blamed over and over ... every step of the way. I didn't have "proof" of actual sex and she denied that. Well, a week later I found what I needed.

I guess given that situation, I would be able to accept it eventually (except the lying). I was already preparing a filing and starting to put myself out there about 7 months into the separation. Except for one little detail .... she started most of those accounts a month before we separated and before she knew I was planning a separation. She also was active on them for 6 months after reconciliation. 

So, I'm guessing in the very good chance that we divorce, she will be actively screwing other men quickly.

Another thing that bothers me is that she is LD. She has rejected me for years and now I am no longer attracted to her. We've had sex 5 times in the last 5 years. How she could so quickly open her legs for another man and NOT the man who has provided for her for 20 years and fathered her children is painful to say the least.


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## PBear

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Well, I can only relate ... sort of. A couple years back I separated from my wife. We came within an inch of divorcing but we eventually reconciled. The reconciliation isn't going all that well; we are roommates essentially. My wife is an extremely large (morbidly obese) fundamentalist christian woman who has little interest in sex. I guess I never really considered that she would date.
> 
> Well, there were red flags during the course of the separation that I thought were curious but after we reconciled she looked me straight in the eye and told me she never saw anybody else during the separation. This is a woman that in 20 years I had never caught in a lie. A few weeks ago I found her secret email account that led me to her secret dating site accounts and her secret facebook account. I confronted, starting to ask simple questions that I already knew the answer to, each more revealing than the next. She lied, admitted, minimized, blamed over and over ... every step of the way. I didn't have "proof" of actual sex and she denied that. Well, a week later I found what I needed.
> 
> I guess given that situation, I would be able to accept it eventually (except the lying). I was already preparing a filing and starting to put myself out there about 7 months into the separation. Except for one little detail .... she started most of those accounts a month before we separated and before she knew I was planning a separation. She also was active on them for 6 months after reconciliation.
> 
> So, I'm guessing in the very good chance that we divorce, she will be actively screwing other men quickly.
> 
> Another thing that bothers me is that she is LD. She has rejected me for years and now I am no longer attracted to her. We've had sex 5 times in the last 5 years. How she could so quickly open her legs for another man and NOT the man who has provided for her for 20 years and fathered her children is painful to say the least.


Just curious, and not meaning to be mean... But what exactly are you reconciling? To be roommates again?

C


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## JustSomeGuyWho

PBear said:


> Just curious, and not meaning to be mean... But what exactly are you reconciling? To be roommates again?
> 
> C


Ha! No that's a fair question. I was very hesitant to reconcile but she forced my hand in a couple of ways. I had reached my primary objectives with the separation ... the separation wasn't because of a sexless marriage although that was absolutely a factor. I reconciled with one foot out but I eventually decided to give it my all. Really my last big issue was the sexless marriage and that is why I found TAM in the first place. I am currently putting her through school. She has a degree but it's useless now after so many years. She will graduate soon and be able to land on her feet. This latest revelation has me all but convinced that my marriage is for my daughters only until that point.


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## Forever Changed

C3156 said:


> One thing I would do if I were you, is to detach yourself from monitoring your stbx. Don't check her social media or follow her on dating sites and such. You are only setting yourself up for disappointment.


This is excellent advice. It's very difficult at the beginning. But I have blocked STBXW and every single person/friend/family/friends of friends on FB. 

You are tempted, then you look and it sets you back so much and it rips your heart out. Don't do it. If you feel the need, try try try to distract yourself.

And after a while, after you experience the devastating feeling of seeing her on FB you realise you never want to feel that again.

So I don't do it. Not ever.

A great phrase I heard somewhere, and it applies to this as many things:

'No action taken, no harm done'.

Dan


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## SecretTears

I saw another woman driving my XH in his car just before Valentine's day (we'd been separated since November). It HURT. There is no question about it, my anxiety hit the roof and all I wanted to do was go home and cry. They were stopped at a stop sign and they saw me but I was too stunned to waive or do anything. I calmed myself down though by remembering how he cheated on me and lied to me and she can have him. I live in a really small place so it's only a matter of time before I see them again. Hopefully every time I see them together from now on will be less and less traumatic. 

I deleted him off my contacts and he's not on FB so I have absolutely no contact with him (which is amazing because we live in such a small place). My last bad habit which I am trying to break is to look for his car whenever I drive or walk by the business we used to own together. Two trips in front of business so far and I haven't even peeped


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## diwali123

I was the one who left because he was a complete and total psycho narcissist passive aggressive douche and abusive. 

It hurt like hell to realize there was nothing I could do to fix him and that he wasn't even trying to change. In fact he was getting worse. 

I was a complete mess and he made the divorce process hell. 

About four months after we separated and d had been filed, he brought one of my good friends with him to pick up my daughter. 
I knew instantly they were a couple. It was mind blowing. 

Previously she and her husband had been our best friends. She knew every evil horrible thing he did to me. Two months after our D was filed, her h left her and I guess it was about a month later they started screwing. 
My ex had been staying with them so he just had to roll down the stairs into her vagina.

He claimed he needed a witness since some of our exchanges had turned tense. I confronted her and she went nuts saying I was crazy, I needed counseling, she would never. I could tell he wrote half of the email. 

The day after our d was filed she out on fb that she was in a relationship with him. Five years later they are still together. 

The worst part was one time I showed up early and they were standing in the parking lot embracing like they were slow dancing and she was looking in his eyes like he was so amazing. I wanted to puke.


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## Forever Changed

'Fortunately' STBXW lives interstate so I never see her, only when we have our Skype sessions with my son every weekend.

Which is a good thing.


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## Wiserforit

lost hunter said:


> I guess my question is, what was it like and what did you do the first time you bumped into your ex with their first post divorce date?


Heh. I pulled up to my wife's boyfriend dropping her off 1/4 mile from our place in his convertible corvette long before we were even divorced. Long before she was even admitting the affair. They were so oblivious to me with their sunglasses on and her hair flying in the wind, until I pulled up right next to them. She was leaning over to kiss him goodbye as I stopped. 

I was working that week-end and got a call from her asking when I was coming home. Alarm bells were going off because I was already convinced of the affair, so I gave her a time and decided to come home an hour earlier. She was gone, but there is a resort hotel not far down the road, so I drove there. They were leaving as I was arriving so I gave them a little distance and then followed. They did not know I had seen them coming out of the resort so after I interrupted their little kiss goodbye they actually followed me home and decided to make up a lie about where they had been. 

I couldn't even speak I was so overwhelmed by the gall of these two lying cheaters, both married, acting like nothing was wrong and golly gee whiz, why was I acting like I was angry?

I do hope that the one thing you can be grateful for is not having to live through the denials and manipulation, the blame-shifting and cruelty of watching an affair happen right before your very eyes while you are still married. 

I'm the one who filed for divorce and I could not bring myself to see anyone for six months after the divorce was finalized. But I had no problem seeing her with someone else because I was just so damned grateful to be free of the lies and abusive treatment while still married. On the day I filed we went in together to do it so that we did not have to hire a process server. As I was giving her a ride back, she decided to tell me that she was going to start seeing this guy now, and wanted to be honest with me about it. I laughed so hard it took her by surprise I guess. She got angry and punched me in the face. 

The next time I saw them I was in the finals of a boxing tournament and they had come to watch. So they are sitting there together, acting like they are on my team or something. I felt disgusted, but relieved I didn't have to deal with either of them ever again.


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## Freak On a Leash

I've heard that woman tend to move on emotionally a lot more quickly then men so I'm not surprised at reading all this. My brief time in the single world seems to confirm this. Most of the women just want to go out and have fun and be single, date a bit, etc. It's the MEN who are looking for the relationship or for a quick hook up. There doesn't seem to be a middle ground. 

The day we divorced my ex and I agreed to let each other know when we were dating someone else rather than be blindsided by it. 

I personally would feel nothing but pity for the poor woman who my ex could talk into dating an unemployed, supposedly penniless alcoholic with no sex drive who can't even be bothered to pay child support for his children.  :rofl:

At this point I'd assume it would be one of his AA "female friends." He indicated that some of them have shown interest. He's not a bad looking dude and can be quite charming when h wants to be so if he can find a woman who is as boring as he is that likes to spend every night sitting at home watching movies on Netflix then more power to her. 

Honestly, I don't really care. I don't regret our divorce at all so good luck to him on that one. He says he's not ready to go out and date. Yeah, that would require actually PAYING for someone's dinner. But then again the way some women are..who knows? :slap:

I could definitely getting into going out and dating at this point. Problem is finding someone I'm interested in. So far the well has been quite dry. 

What I can't understand is WHY people continue to have their ex spouses on their Facebook account. NO WAY do I want my ex on my FB and if he had one I wouldn't be on it. You gotta cut that crap out and cut 'em loose. Why keep picking at the proverbial scab on the wound. Can't figure that out. :scratchhead:


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## Freak On a Leash

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Well, I can only relate ... sort of. A couple years back I separated from my wife. We came within an inch of divorcing but we eventually reconciled. The reconciliation isn't going all that well; we are roommates essentially. My wife is an extremely large (morbidly obese) fundamentalist christian woman who has little interest in sex. I guess I never really considered that she would date. .


:scratchhead:  I'm trying to figure out: 1. Why would you WANT to stay married to this person. 

2. Why would anyone else want to sleep with her?


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## JustSomeGuyWho

Freak On a Leash said:


> :scratchhead:  I'm trying to figure out: 1. Why would you WANT to stay married to this person.
> 
> 2. Why would anyone else want to sleep with her?


She has been my friend for 23 years now (20 married). I have two children with her. I am very close with my daughters and that role is the most important one in my life at the moment. I really don't want to stay married but I also want to make sure she lands on her feet and I'm helping her do that. I'm also not a guy that gives up very easily ... I am usually a very determined guy and have been trying to figure this out ... how do I get her to have a healthy lifestyle, how do I get her motor running, what changes do I need to make (NMMNG, TMMSLP, etc.) Of course, that was my thinking until very recently.

However ... both are very good questions, lol.

Good god she's big.


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## Freak On a Leash

You can't dedicate your life trying to help someone like that. Life is too short. She doesn't even care enough about herself to lose weight and be healthy. If she's such a "Christian" what about her marriage vows? Didn't those mean anything? Obviously not.  

You can be a good father to your children and NOT be dragged down by a woman who resembles a whale and is dragging her life and yours down . She obviously could care less about you as a husband, friend or father. Have some self respect because it's obviously she doesn't have any respect for you.


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## JustSomeGuyWho

Freak On a Leash said:


> You can't dedicate your life trying to help someone like that. Life is too short. She doesn't even care enough about herself to lose weight and be healthy. If she's such a "Christian" what about her marriage vows? Didn't those mean anything? Obviously not.
> 
> You can be a good father to your children and NOT be dragged down by a woman who resembles a whale and is dragging her life and yours down . She obviously could care less about you as a husband, friend or father. Have some self respect because it's obviously she doesn't have any respect for you.


Well, I agree. To put it into context, I was making a tremendous effort before I discovered the transgressions. I am about 90% certain I am done at this point. 

I've done the math. I will have to find the patience to let her finish school and find a decent job. There are a lot of things involved but at the end of the day, it would be probably be pretty difficult to find the woman of my dreams .... a 45 year old man living in a ratty hole of an apartment subsisting on Ramen noodles and riding my bicycle to work. A little bit of an exaggeration but not much. I make a great living and live in an upper middle class neighborhood ... but in my state, because she hasn't worked for so long, she will put me in the poor house for several years. If she works ... guess what? No alimony. It really works out for the best for both of our futures. What's another year or two without sex when it's been so long anyway? (and I say that with a lot of pain in my heart).


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## Freak On a Leash

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> There are a lot of things involved but at the end of the day, it would be probably be pretty difficult to find the woman of my dreams .... a 45 year old man living in a ratty hole of an apartment subsisting on Ramen noodles and riding my bicycle to work. A little bit of an exaggeration but not much. I make a great living and live in an upper middle class neighborhood ... but in my state, because she hasn't worked for so long, she will put me in the poor house for several years. If she works ... guess what? No alimony. It really works out for the best for both of our futures. What's another year or two without sex when it's been so long anyway? (and I say that with a lot of pain in my heart).


Wow, that's a pretty sad attitude to take.  My father had that attitude and he was dead within a year of cancer.  Life is too short to think like that. You sell yourself short with that kind of thinking. 

What's to say she gets alimony anyway? Been to consult with a lawyer at all? It's not that easy to get alimony if all you want to do is sit around, cheat on our husband and stuff food into your face. Why continue on this way? :scratchhead:


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## JustSomeGuyWho

Freak On a Leash said:


> Wow, that's a pretty sad attitude to take.  My father had that attitude and he was dead within a year of cancer.  Life is too short to think like that. You sell yourself short with that kind of thinking.
> 
> What's to say she gets alimony anyway? Been to consult with a lawyer at all? It's not that easy to get alimony if all you want to do is sit around, cheat on our husband and stuff food into your face. Why continue on this way? :scratchhead:


Well it is sad, but it is a financial transaction. It is difficult not to be affected by years of a sexless marriage. I can invest some more time and I walk away with a reasonable lifestyle in a relatively short period of time. Divorce now and face certain bankruptcy and struggle to get back on my feet for a much longer period of time. I can use that time to focus on myself. Yes, I hate it but I also have to think of my future and the future of my daughters who have braces, activities, future tuition payments, etc. 

Yes, I've consulted with several attorneys. When I was separated, I was within an inch of divorcing. I was floored working out the math with the first one so I had a consult with two more attorneys. It was pretty much a consensus.

There are a few other complications. My youngest daughter is seeing a therapist for anger/anxiety/depression. She has made a lot of progress but this would set her back and I likely wouldn't be able to continue the sessions. We also have no family here as they are spread out in multiple states. My wife, during our separation came very close to packing up and moving to Texas to live with her mother ... with my children. Among the things I discussed with an attorney is how to prevent her from doing that. I would have to first file for legal separation or divorce (and start paying alimony and child support shortly thereafter) and then get a court order to prevent her from doing that. I was also warned that if she did take them out of state before I had a court order, I would have to take it up with Texas and my chance of success would drop. This type of divorce will be brutally contentious, expensive and last a long time. 

So what is the right answer? Life IS short but both of these scenarios have a significant impact on my short life.


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## Freak On a Leash

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> This type of divorce will be brutally contentious, expensive and last a long time.
> 
> So what is the right answer?


I understand this completely.  A lot of my friends thought I was nuts not to take my ex to court and drag him through the mud for child support. Basically we just got a divorce, nothing more. 

I did it to avoid the very scenario you describe and so that my ex would stay sober and be a father to my son. So I made the sacrifice financially. There is no right answer, there is only what needs to be done and doing it. 

Best of luck. You are being a good father and a friend to your STBXW, who doesn't deserve it. You deserve credit and a happy life and I hope you find it soon.


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## Shooboomafoo

I can understand the desire to protect your own interests thru facilitating her stability. Dont let yourself dump yourself into it though. Thankless fking endeavor for sure. I was blindsided by the complete barn animal that was the person I married. Moving into the house I bought a few months after divorcing and seeing her car across the street at her boyfriends house, becuase he was staying with his friend (losers) who lives across the street from me. I walked outside and was thinking, MY new House!! Finally!!! and then bam, theres her fking car. for an overnight stay. I guess she had to use her gash to influence his interest in her, becuase we all know that light goes off once the ring is placed on her finger. I feel an exaggerated sense of resentment towards her today. More so, than usual. I too, am so very glad to be rid of that shell of a thing. Unfortunately, my D11, has to look to her as "mother", and will likely be influenced poorly by her. To move her cheating partner into the marital home 3 months after I move out, with herself and my daughter and exMIL was obviously well thought out and indicative of an intelligent thought process.... Go from there... 

I went the last six years of my marriage sexless, and no matter what issues were talked about the answer was always a bunch of crap. I got tired of pursuing and getting the stiff arm, so I let her have her room and space and not pressure.. Seems to have not worked out so well, giving her what she asked for. It really bothers me to see her relationship coming to fruition, only because it was at the expense of my life and my daughters life, and the tremendous toll it took on both of us, to have given so much, and put up with sooooo much (weight gain also and ALLL that comes with that) and being treated like a piece of sh!t by her in the end.

People like that arent supposed to be living it up and having a grand old time at the expense of others. Ive got a great big smackdown palm for the pair of them if karma doesnt finally take over. WTF?? Trying to make sense of it and the purpose for it, and coupling that with the tragedy that is my job, I am at a complete loss as to understanding, and yet must figure out some way to move onward myself, and figure out some sort of life of my own of which I have none.. Hence, the "Bacon" and "mowing the lawn" kind of posts.. 

Pickings in Houston are EXTREMELY SLIM when it comes to decent women. I have no idea where they are, as I refuse to frequent bars anymore (14 yrs singing in bands), and meat-up groups often appear to consist of 30 or so men and a half dozen women, (who incidently "are good friends" with all the dudes)...

So... today, I dont know. Dont know why I am sitting at this desk at 41, seeming to feel the pinnacle of my life is the next paycheck, I am so fking bored with everything and see no out. I try to get positive about it, confident without her for sure, but whats left after so many years of trying to do my "duty" towards my promise, I feel like theres fking nothing for me. Where's the "win" for the honorable man? Sorry, the world doesnt reward honor or truth. 
Life is appearing to be struggling for the benefit of others, and being sh!t out like yesterdays ham sandwich. I would like to change this perspective, this reality. So far, only anger has prevailed about it. To see her moving on, and new cars, and relationship and everything else, when "I" feel deep down that "I" was the honorable one in the scenario, but wind up taking a good beating anyways. 

I have days like today, where the culmination of the last fifteen years of my life really REALLY make me question my purpose and reason for even breathing. The situations, employment wise, and marital wise, has amounted to nothing, and its a very hard pill to swallow at 41 for me. Is there some great big "purpose" to this epic failure in my life in these two areas? I want to puke when I hear people talking about how good their current dating prospects are, or women Ive known for years on guy #23 talking about how "great my man is"... mmmkayyy...

If youre someone that thinks along the lines of good versus bad, Ive never seen the bad side of things win so fking often.


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## Shooboomafoo

--Woww, that was long.. sorry.


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## lost hunter

I am not friends with her on facebook, but some friends of both of ours let me know, because they thought that it was a sign that the marriage was officially over. As for the dating site, our Iphones share, so when she dowloaded the app, I get a copy. I try to stay away from her, and I do not check up on her. I usually only contact her, if I am going to be going to the house to get my belongings.
Well, the wait is over. I had to go over to the house yesterday and pick up some more of my stuff. I went while she was at work, so I could avoid seeing her. When I got there I noticed two voice messages on the answer machine, she had already listened to them and not deleted them so I though they might be for me. One of the messages was from a friend of hers asking how everything went and to see if she would call when she got home. I though nothing of it, grab my stuff and left. As I pulled into my driveway, it all just kinda clicked. The name change, the message, everything, so I sent her a text message asking if she was dating someone. She responded that she met someone Sunday to "Hang out". I was not ready for that. I always tell people do not ask questions you do not want to know the answer of, yet I did exactly that. I was crushed, and pissed.

I thought that we had an agreement, that we would both wait till it was officially over. Plus, she had asked that if I started dating to give her a heads up, so that it would not catch her off guard, and that she would do the same. She no such thing. The thing that hurts the most, is that I do not understand how she can move on so fast. It just shocks me that 14 years we were together and in 3 months, she is moving on. I understand that she wanted out, but this still seems quick. I know that it is not right to wish bad things to happen to people, but right now, I hope she gets one of the nastiest VD you can get. I don't want anything fatal, but I hope it burns like a son of a *****. I also wouldn't mind if some of her toxic friends get their share of it too.


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## Stretch

Probably going to be another shock to overcome but those happen everyday.

I know this, I plan on being on date myself when it happens.

The shock will be hers.

Stretch


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## Freak On a Leash

Shooboomafoo said:


> People like that arent supposed to be living it up and having a grand old time at the expense of others. Ive got a great big smackdown palm for the pair of them if karma doesnt finally take over. WTF?? Trying to make sense of it and the purpose for it, and coupling that with the tragedy that is my job, I am at a complete loss as to understanding, and yet must figure out some way to move onward myself, and figure out some sort of life of my own of which I have none.. Hence, the "Bacon" and "mowing the lawn" kind of posts..


We all have to find our path in life Shoo. I understand where you are coming from about resenting the fact that the ex is out there living his/her life and not getting any of that proverbial "payback" for being horrible. I have some of that myself when I slave away at my job on a beautiful day and my ex is STILL not working, not paying any support and enjoys the freedom of movement that I so desperately want and yearn for. 

It eats me up sometimes and believe me, if I see him playing around with that damn boat of his and partying it up like he did the last two summers he will feel the full weight of retribution upon him. I've let him know that there's a definite limit to my patience. 

I will never forgive him for the fact that he's abandoned his KIDS at this time and uses his and my actions from the past to justify all the crap that he's put us through now. I have no respect for him because of that and no pity. 

Plus, in a sense I've bought my own freedom. I don't have to answer to him or justify my own actions. In 3 years I will the one to be free and I plan to take complete advantage of that. I'll have no problem saying goodbye to him forever. 

But we do what we have to for our kids. SOMEONE has to be the decent person in their lives. That someone is you and you can wake every morning and take pride in that. I know I do.  :smthumbup:



> Pickings in Houston are EXTREMELY SLIM when it comes to decent women. I have no idea where they are, as I refuse to frequent bars anymore (14 yrs singing in bands), and meat-up groups often appear to consist of 30 or so men and a half dozen women, (who incidently "are good friends" with all the dudes)...


"Meat-up groups"..:rofl: I don't know if that's intentional or not but it's funny. We need to change places dude! Here in NJ it's the opposite ratio. There's about half dozen men, of which 3 of them are actually men I'd want to date to about 30 women. We make jokes about that all the time. The good looking men know they are a hot item and have an attitude about it too and most of them are so boring I wouldn't date them anyway. 

Then you've got the ones who are still wrapped up in what their ex wives are doing to them. PLEASE don't be one of those sad, pathetic guys! You are better than that! 

I go to Meet up not with the goal of dating but to just "meet up" with nice people and get out of the house, have a good time and enjoy myself in a social setting. If I didn't have them I'd be sitting home or out doing stuff by myself, which is fine but a big part of me likes getting dressed up and going out. In that sense I never got past my 20s!

I always mourned that part of my life that ended for my high school/college friends when everyone got married and had kids. I should never have joined them but should've struck out on my own and traveled the world and remained single. I did travel a bit while married but it helped destroy my marriage. Now I have my 2 kids to care for. But when that job is done I intend to pursue that dream and do what I should've done 25 years ago. 

But until then, Meetup works as a nice way to motivate me to get out and NOT live a hermit's lifestyle and be a part of the "Land of the Living". I can't be 25 but there are a lot of 45+ year olds out there who are in the same situation as I and they are fun people to spend an enjoyable evening out with so why not? 

It's a matter of lowering your expectations. Like online dating, you can't expect much from Meetup. Just go out and have a good time and maybe one of those friends will turn into something. If not, then you've had a fun time out. Better than sitting home, stuffing your face and fuming about your ex wife's car being parked across the street. 



> So... today, I dont know. Dont know why I am sitting at this desk at 41, seeming to feel the pinnacle of my life is the next paycheck, I am so fking bored with everything and see no out. I try to get positive about it, confident without her for sure, but whats left after so many years of trying to do my "duty" towards my promise, I feel like theres fking nothing for me. Where's the "win" for the honorable man? Sorry, the world doesnt reward honor or truth.
> Life is appearing to be struggling for the benefit of others, and being sh!t out like yesterdays ham sandwich. I would like to change this perspective, this reality. So far, only anger has prevailed about it. To see her moving on, and new cars, and relationship and everything else, when "I" feel deep down that "I" was the honorable one in the scenario, but wind up taking a good beating anyways.
> 
> I have days like today, where the culmination of the last fifteen years of my life really REALLY make me question my purpose and reason for even breathing. The situations, employment wise, and marital wise, has amounted to nothing, and its a very hard pill to swallow at 41 for me. Is there some great big "purpose" to this epic failure in my life in these two areas? I want to puke when I hear people talking about how good their current dating prospects are, or women Ive known for years on guy #23 talking about how "great my man is"... mmmkayyy...
> 
> If youre someone that thinks along the lines of good versus bad, Ive never seen the bad side of things win so fking often.


Dude, you are 41 and still young! I'd love to be that age again! I guess I could look at my life at 49 (on the threshold of 50) and feel that way. I don't have much to show for my life and sometimes that attitude does threaten to creep in. You, like so many people I see around me, are SO focused on what you've lost and what you need to get (dating, a significant other) that it becomes an obsession and you don't see what you've truly achieved with your divorce. You now have freedom to do as you want to do!

I must be a very optimistic person in my own way. I'm healthy. I have friends who have cancer and really crap lives and I'm thankful not to be them. I also went through a decade of depression and anger that I'm glad is behind me.

Now that my marriage has ended I find I am happier than I am despite the financial stresses. At least I can control MY OWN life and not have to deal with his crap! I finally have the emotional and mental freedom I wanted for so long. Maybe it took a crap marriage and a horrible man to give this to me in a backhanded sort of way. 

But I keep myself busy and occupied and perhaps 20+years (more if you add my childhood to it) of being ignored and having to do stuff on my own to achieve my own happiness has taught me well. I don't NEED anyone to achieve happiness or to have fun. I tell my daughter that if you can be happy with your own company then no one can make you sad. It's true.

I can climb into my Jeep on a sunny day and take a drive or sit home and read a good book and I feel like I've had a good day. I've traveled thousands of miles for days/weeks at a time by myself and had an incredible time. I guess it's a gift in a sense and one I take advantage of. I'm social but I don't HAVE to be and I tend to accept situations and move on mentally. What else can you do? Dwelling on the past or what's bad won't change it. In that way I've always been extremely practical. 

I suggest that you need to take up some hobbies, do stuff that you've always wanted to do. Surely there must be SOMETHING that you like doing? For me, I like hiking, kayaking, camping and being outdoors and at some point I plan to move someplace where I can take advantage of doing just that, instead of having to drive 3 hours to get to someplace beautiful. 

But for now, just going out and breathing the fresh air and being healthy is a gift and as you get older and see what life really can do to you it will put things in perspective. Don't wait until it's too late and then look back with regret because you didn't take advantage of all that there is to do and enjoy. 

You definitely still need to work out your anger about your marriage and your ex wife. Don't give her that power over you to continue to make your life miserable. She's not worth it. At 41 life isn't over by any stretch, it's just starting! 

Life starts now....


----------



## Freak On a Leash

Shooboomafoo said:


> --Woww, that was long.. sorry.


Nah..mine was longer! :rofl:


----------



## Freak On a Leash

lost hunter said:


> It just shocks me that 14 years we were together and in 3 months, she is moving on. I understand that she wanted out, but this still seems quick. I know that it is not right to wish bad things to happen to people, but right now, I hope she gets one of the nastiest VD you can get. I don't want anything fatal, but I hope it burns like a son of a *****. I also wouldn't mind if some of her toxic friends get their share of it too.


This is where men and women differ. Men who are hurt will often shun contact with friends and have no desire to date at all. I'm not talking all men but quite a few of them react this way. They need time to heal, to get over the shock and pain. It's like the proverbial wounded animal crawling off into the woods or under a porch to lick it's wounds. 

Women are (as in many ways) totally opposite. This is especially true if a woman is the one who initiates the break up of a marriage and feels she's been neglected in a romantic sense by her ex husband. The wife who begs and fights with her husband to "spend more time with me" and wishes she'd seen flowers and candy and romantic nights at a B&B and got none of that will now try and get those things from someone else.

She will at the very least try and feel and make herself desirable. What better way to do this than to go with someone else and have those exciting times you feel when you are in the initial stages of a relationship or even casually dating? Hence the reason many women jump into the dating world before the ink is dried on the filing papers. 

Getting ready to go out on a date is a very cathartic thing to experience for a woman. You get your hair done, you buy new clothes, you put your make up on, etc. You discuss all these things with your girlfriends. The very ritual of dating is a healing process that many woman desire and go through. Suddenly life is fun, exciting and you feel like you're 18 again! :smthumbup:

To a man, a break up and then witnessing all this from their ex wife is shocking and unexpected. A lot of men after a breakup will start drinking or let themselves go by sitting home, watching porn movies and playing video games while their ex wives/girl friends are getting all dolled up to go out, making new friends and going out dancing and drinking with new love interests. This actually makes a lot of sense if you think about it. 

Men tend to turn inward and women are naturally more gregarious and turn outward. They need and want their affirmation from an outside source or social activity. Sometimes it's going out with friend but for a newly single woman it comes from suddenly getting dressed up, feeling good and going out on the town with a new man. This is why you often see newly separated/divorced woman losing weight and becoming affectionate and looking/feeling sexy. Now they want to reaffirm their femininity and sexual identity after keeping it under wraps for so long, especially if they felt neglected or rejected during the course of their marriage. 

It makes sense to me and I am part of that mentality too. I love to go out and get dressed up and FEEL GOOD. My ex husband wasn't into me at all in the end and I like it that now, as a single woman, men seem to be attracted to me. It makes ME feel attractive and reaffirms my self image and esteem. 

However I do draw the line at jumping into relationships and won't just date anyone. I seem to have a hard time at crossing that line and it's a good thing IMO. It's my natural distrust pickiness I guess. But the whole ritual of dressing up and going out is exciting. It sure beats staying home and watching a movie every weekend, which was pretty much what my routine was with my ex husband. 

My ex has found his niche with his AA meetings and I've found mine with my hobbies and meetup groups. Of course I had those even while I was married because he pretty much ignored me but now I've ramped things up now that I'm free and don't have to explain or answer to him anymore.

So my life is easier and because I'm free to date or see other people I have been making a greater effort to keep myself attractive as well. With him there was no point to because he wasn't into being with me. I was always into taking care of myself to some point (at least within the last 5 years) for my own self esteem and health so that helped. 

Fortunately neither of us cares anymore what the other is doing. We did agree to let the other person know when we were starting to date seriously and I expect to honor that but if I'm just going out to lunch with a guy I'm not going to call and tell him and I expect the same will be true of him. If/when I see someone specific on a regular basis then I will tell him but just to go to lunch with someone here and there? Well, I don't need or want to do that nor should I. 

Plus there's NO sharing of phones or being on each other's Facebook. Probably helps that he's not on Facebook but if he was I'd block him but we have mutual friends and I tend to keep it clean and impersonal in any case. Always a good idea with social networking. 

I guess in the initial stages of a break up it's a shock and I will admit that when we first separated I would not have liked to see my ex with someone else. It's one of the things that kept me committed to him in the marriage. But once I made the emotional break and divorced him MENTALLY I could care less. It took awhile to get to that point though so you need to give yourself time. Everyone needs that time, it's just a matter of how and when you get there.


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## hope4family

My ex wife has dropped my son off with 3 different guys. Possibly 4, I am counting him as my "free space". 

One more and I get to have bingo. 

But dont worry, she is sure to tell me (without me even asking) that they are "just friends", and she isn't looking to date for a long time. 

I am waiting for my court date, that's all that remains.


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## Shooboomafoo

I joined a meetup group for singles here in my area of town. I just joined yesterday, and its a big step for me, because so far ive been an angry Golum a lot of days. Just trying to prevent that from bleeding out onto people. Dont want to hurt anyone.
The ex moved her boyfriend into the marital home about a month after I got my house. I only saw her car across the street about eight times, until she moved him into our house with my daughter and exMIL.
Funny how I feel like the outcast, that did something wrong and was shunned and replaced in an instant. And today, her life looks great! 
If I did not feel like my own life was so miserably inadequate, I probably wouldnt care about what she was doing or with whom.


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## angelpixie

Shooboomafoo said:


> If I did not feel like my own life was so miserably inadequate, I probably wouldnt care about what she was doing or with whom.


Bingo!! This is it totally, Shoo. And joining Meetup is a good step in trying to improve your life. Money is a stumbling block for me, too, but one way I found to get involved with things is to volunteer for them. We have multiple music festivals and a couple of film festivals in my town. They all run mainly on volunteers. You get to see the performances and films, meet people, have some fun, and it doesn't cost you anything. Plus, it gets your spirits up and opens your horizons. I know lots of lower-income people who have been able to do things like ushering for our community theatre productions, too. That might be another avenue to look into -- volunteering. Not just to meet people, but to get more variety in your life.


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## Freak On a Leash

:iagree: It's true..you gotta build your life up. Only you can do it and you do it for yourself, not anyone else. You will be a better, happier person as well. 

The nice thing about Meetups is that they don't have to cost money. Most of it is just getting together and socializing. Maybe I'll pay $10 to go to an event at the most and the rest is the cost of dinner, drinks, etc..but that's all optional. 

With some groups it's about hiking or going to the movies or whatever. There's TONS of meetup groups that don't involves singles, dating or any of that. It's just getting together with people who share a common interest and doing stuff.

I agree about the volunteering as well. One way to appreciate what you have is to help those who don't have as much as you do. There's churches, homeless shelters, Big Brothers and other charitable organizations that you can look into. Suddenly you might find that your life takes on a whole new meaning when you can devote your time and energy into lifting up and helping others.  

Try and move away from the dating mentality and do the "building your life back up" routine. It's much more satisfying in the end. This time should be about what you are about, not what you no longer have or want.


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## hope4family

Don't dread it. Let it set you free. 

I know for a fact, when my ex-wife "feels" for another woman by prying question after question on things that are none of her business. She is looking for validation, that I've moved on. 

I have had "her permission" to date other people. - I've hung out with women, but no dating. Nothing I would consider one either. 

So I am still waiting on calling out bingo. To me though, it doesn't matter. The day she admits it though. I will feel better, not worse. 

In the meantime, building up your social life is a must. Fortunately, i'm not pinching penny's, but i'm not well off. This divorce cost me thousands, which at 20 something is a lot of money, I support the child primarily, and do not ask nor want support from her. I'd rather sacrifice.

I went back to a dance club, where I can take lessons and dance for about $10 weekly. In this scenario you HAVE to meet and get to know women and break a lot of boundaries. I have taken the liberty of getting to know the guys there as well. I've increased my "circle" ten fold. 

I don't care what she is doing, nor do I wish to. I wish her the best health for when its her time with the child. Beyond that, the priority is the same as if I were married minus one. 

1) Take care of myself. 2) Take care of S1.


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## Freak On a Leash

hope4family said:


> I don't care what she is doing, nor do I wish to. I wish her the best health for when its her time with the child. Beyond that, the priority is the same as if I were married minus one.
> 
> 1) Take care of myself. 2) Take care of S1.


:iagree: I am of the same mindset. Except I have two to take care of. Makes life interesting.


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## hank_rea

Freak On a Leash said:


> This is where men and women differ. Men who are hurt will often shun contact with friends and have no desire to date at all. I'm not talking all men but quite a few of them react this way. They need time to heal, to get over the shock and pain. It's like the proverbial wounded animal crawling off into the woods or under a porch to lick it's wounds.
> 
> Women are (as in many ways) totally opposite. This is especially true if a woman is the one who initiates the break up of a marriage and feels she's been neglected in a romantic sense by her ex husband. The wife who begs and fights with her husband to "spend more time with me" and wishes she'd seen flowers and candy and romantic nights at a B&B and got none of that will now try and get those things from someone else.
> 
> She will at the very least try and feel and make herself desirable. What better way to do this than to go with someone else and have those exciting times you feel when you are in the initial stages of a relationship or even casually dating? Hence the reason many women jump into the dating world before the ink is dried on the filing papers.
> 
> Getting ready to go out on a date is a very cathartic thing to experience for a woman. You get your hair done, you buy new clothes, you put your make up on, etc. You discuss all these things with your girlfriends. The very ritual of dating is a healing process that many woman desire and go through. Suddenly life is fun, exciting and you feel like you're 18 again! :smthumbup:
> 
> To a man, a break up and then witnessing all this from their ex wife is shocking and unexpected. A lot of men after a breakup will start drinking or let themselves go by sitting home, watching porn movies and playing video games while their ex wives/girl friends are getting all dolled up to go out, making new friends and going out dancing and drinking with new love interests. This actually makes a lot of sense if you think about it.
> 
> Men tend to turn inward and women are naturally more gregarious and turn outward. They need and want their affirmation from an outside source or social activity. Sometimes it's going out with friend but for a newly single woman it comes from suddenly getting dressed up, feeling good and going out on the town with a new man. This is why you often see newly separated/divorced woman losing weight and becoming affectionate and looking/feeling sexy. Now they want to reaffirm their femininity and sexual identity after keeping it under wraps for so long, especially if they felt neglected or rejected during the course of their marriage.


Being the dumpee, I really didn't need to read this right now. :banghead:

How I wish I never met my ex-wife...


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## Freak On a Leash

Hey, I'm sorry Hank.  You are in a very vulnerable position now. Your break up/divorce came very suddenly and it's going to awhile for you to get over this. Time to crawl under the porch and lick your wounds. 

It's tough being dumped. I've been there myself. Years ago I was 6 weeks from getting married and my fiancée broke off the marriage. He said he wasn't ready to be married. My whole life went upside down and it took me a LONG time to get over 

In fact, I really didn't allow myself to heal and plunged right back into dating and that's when I started seeing my now ex husband, who was one of my best friends at the time. I wish I'd been of the same mindset back then that I am now and just allowed myself to enjoy life as a single person. 

But I was young, needy, insecure and stupid.  Live and learn. 

Give yourself a break and allow yourself the right amount of time to heal.  Think of the break up of your marriage like grieving over a death..you are going through the same emotions, the same stages and are in shock right now and need to accept what happened so you can move on.


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## hope4family

Ahem.....today I earned BINGO!

But dont worry, its just a friend. That she is hanging around with...at 9am.


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## Freak On a Leash

I don't play bingo so I'm not getting the whole bingo reference. :scratchhead:


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## hope4family

Freak On a Leash said:


> I don't play bingo so I'm not getting the whole bingo reference. :scratchhead:


Fifth different guy she has been with to pick up/drop off my son. 

Life goes on. 

B-I-N-G-O. Five letter word. Dry humor, I know, but I need laughter. 

I'd feel completely different if there was a female friend with her at least once. Ah well.


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## Freak On a Leash

I feel badly for your son. Mothers like this should have their parent card revoked.  

My son asked me if was going to date and I said to him "If I do, you'll never know about it." Parading a bunch of men (or women) in front of your kids, especially the younger ones, is just WRONG. 

Not much you can do about it though. Fortunately my ex and I are on the same page on this.


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## hope4family

Bright side, she only takes him once a week. About 2/3x a month for an overnight.

When she drops him off. He usually pushes her out the door or goes straight to ignoring. Even at just under 2 he has been terribly hurt by her.

Today he waived goodbye to me from the car. First time he has ever done that. I whispered under my breathe (as he drives away), "give em hell son. You know i'll take you no matter what."

It's usually only one day a week, maybe an overnight with two days. He has fun i'm sure. But as my ex puts it. "He gets really really cranky." 

D-Day is in 6 days. It will be nice to call my boss, drop her off insurance.


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## Freak On a Leash

Yep, kids always know where they fall on the priority ladder. She will come to regret her actions. What goes around..comes around. My own ex husband has reaped what he's sowed. His own daughter doesn't even talk to him anymore. Our son is more charitable but he's lost a lot on the respect ladder as a result of his actions these past 3 years. 

As for your STBX, all those men are nothing compared to the love and caring of a young child. She should be ashamed of herself!  She can't keep it under wraps when he's with her for just a few days a month? What's her damn problem? Where are her priorities? 

I'm all for having a good time and all but you should make the time to be with your kids when you can. When my daughter comes home for a weekend I try and be there as much as I can just to hang out and spend some quality time with her..and she's 18. She is still my child though and it does make a difference even when they get older. 

It's great that you are there for your boy. He's going need you more than ever.


----------



## DaKarmaTrain!

Freak On a Leash said:


> Yep, kids always know where they fall on the priority ladder. She will come to regret her actions. What goes around..comes around. My own ex husband has reaped what he's sowed. His own daughter doesn't even talk to him anymore. Our son is more charitable but he's lost a lot on the respect ladder as a result of his actions these past 3 years.
> 
> As for your STBX, all those men are nothing compared to the love and caring of a young child. She should be ashamed of herself!  She can't keep it under wraps when he's with her for just a few days a month? What's her damn problem? Where are her priorities?
> 
> I'm all for having a good time and all but you should make the time to be with your kids when you can. When my daughter comes home for a weekend I try and be there as much as I can just to hang out and spend some quality time with her..and she's 18. She is still my child though and it does make a difference even when they get older.
> 
> It's great that you are there for your boy. He's going need you more than ever.


Freak, I love your insights. You give great advice.

Shoo, I have been following your story for a year and a half. I am now 18 months post-separation, and still feel the same way...like Freak so eloquently describes as a 'dog who crawls under the deck to lick his wounds'. I've been licking my wounds for a long time now. I know exactly how you feel Shoo. You ain't alone...probably doesn't help I'm in the middle of a vicious custody battle...makes it hard to move on with the financial/emotional toll this court stuff takes on one.

It is really a confidence/self-esteem thing for me. My STBXW had multiple mental health issues, and I purposely sabotaged my social life because of her...prior to separation I hadn't really had a social life for at least the previous 5 years...for me it was all about going to work and coming home to spend time with the wife and kids. I figured that was life and I would have that to be proud of as an accomplishment at the end of the day.

And back to the topic at hand  I was the one who (very reluctantly) left the marriage, as I couldn't take all the partying/drugs/male 'friends' anymore, and it was destroying not only me but my daughter as well. Sure enough, not even 2 weeks go by when she starts bringing home one of her male 'friends' from the bar to sleep with. Found out from my daughter; they weren't even dating. He would just come over to the house to bang my ex, and disappear again until he wanted more. That was like a shotgun blast of buckshot straight to the gut. I was such an emotional mess back in those days I couldn't even THINK about dating, but as Freak described above my ex rebounded with this dirtbag guy without missing a beat...after 14 yrs of marriage...it was surreal.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

DaKarma, 

Thanks for the kind words. I really appreciate them. 

Your wife is a scumbag of a mother who should have her parent card ripped up. Unfortunately the courts don't allow emotion to get in the way of these things. They play it by the numbers. Unfortunately in situations like yours that's not a good thing. 

You keep fighting for those kids! They are going to need you. I don't even GET why mothers like your ex wife just don't do the right thing and let the _responsible[/I[ parent have full custody. If they don't care enough to act responsibly then what is the point of fighting to have them?

I'll tell you why...Because it's always about the mind games, about who "wins" and how much pain and suffering they can inflict on the other party just to elevate their own fragile egos and make themselves feel better. You STBXW sounds like such a person. 

In the end who loses? The kids. 

I know it's hard. After so many years of trying to make a marriage work and having it all go to pieces despite your best efforts you feel like a total failure. But you are not, quite the opposite. . As long as you can pick up those pieces and be there for your kids, then you are a hero. What your ex wife feels or thinks doesn't matter because she is a non person, a nobody. A real human being doesn't act the way she is acting. 

You are the important figure now. You are the person who can make your kids lives better and forge a new path for them and yourself. Be proud and be determined and eventually you WILL be happy. 

Giving from the heart to and for your kids is what heals your heart in the end. There is no salvation for your wife, she is doomed. She acts like a miserable person because she is. 

This time will pass. Just give it time and by this time next year it will all be a distant memory. It'll never go away, but it will get better. _


----------



## lost hunter

Freak On a Leash said:


> This is where men and women differ. Men who are hurt will often shun contact with friends and have no desire to date at all. I'm not talking all men but quite a few of them react this way. They need time to heal, to get over the shock and pain. It's like the proverbial wounded animal crawling off into the woods or under a porch to lick it's wounds.
> 
> Women are (as in many ways) totally opposite. This is especially true if a woman is the one who initiates the break up of a marriage and feels she's been neglected in a romantic sense by her ex husband. The wife who begs and fights with her husband to "spend more time with me" and wishes she'd seen flowers and candy and romantic nights at a B&B and got none of that will now try and get those things from someone else.
> 
> She will at the very least try and feel and make herself desirable. What better way to do this than to go with someone else and have those exciting times you feel when you are in the initial stages of a relationship or even casually dating? Hence the reason many women jump into the dating world before the ink is dried on the filing papers.
> 
> Getting ready to go out on a date is a very cathartic thing to experience for a woman. You get your hair done, you buy new clothes, you put your make up on, etc. You discuss all these things with your girlfriends. The very ritual of dating is a healing process that many woman desire and go through. Suddenly life is fun, exciting and you feel like you're 18 again! :smthumbup:
> 
> To a man, a break up and then witnessing all this from their ex wife is shocking and unexpected. A lot of men after a breakup will start drinking or let themselves go by sitting home, watching porn movies and playing video games while their ex wives/girl friends are getting all dolled up to go out, making new friends and going out dancing and drinking with new love interests. This actually makes a lot of sense if you think about it.
> 
> Men tend to turn inward and women are naturally more gregarious and turn outward. They need and want their affirmation from an outside source or social activity. Sometimes it's going out with friend but for a newly single woman it comes from suddenly getting dressed up, feeling good and going out on the town with a new man. This is why you often see newly separated/divorced woman losing weight and becoming affectionate and looking/feeling sexy. Now they want to reaffirm their femininity and sexual identity after keeping it under wraps for so long, especially if they felt neglected or rejected during the course of their marriage.
> 
> It makes sense to me and I am part of that mentality too. I love to go out and get dressed up and FEEL GOOD. My ex husband wasn't into me at all in the end and I like it that now, as a single woman, men seem to be attracted to me. It makes ME feel attractive and reaffirms my self image and esteem.
> 
> However I do draw the line at jumping into relationships and won't just date anyone. I seem to have a hard time at crossing that line and it's a good thing IMO. It's my natural distrust pickiness I guess. But the whole ritual of dressing up and going out is exciting. It sure beats staying home and watching a movie every weekend, which was pretty much what my routine was with my ex husband.
> 
> My ex has found his niche with his AA meetings and I've found mine with my hobbies and meetup groups. Of course I had those even while I was married because he pretty much ignored me but now I've ramped things up now that I'm free and don't have to explain or answer to him anymore.
> 
> So my life is easier and because I'm free to date or see other people I have been making a greater effort to keep myself attractive as well. With him there was no point to because he wasn't into being with me. I was always into taking care of myself to some point (at least within the last 5 years) for my own self esteem and health so that helped.
> 
> Fortunately neither of us cares anymore what the other is doing. We did agree to let the other person know when we were starting to date seriously and I expect to honor that but if I'm just going out to lunch with a guy I'm not going to call and tell him and I expect the same will be true of him. If/when I see someone specific on a regular basis then I will tell him but just to go to lunch with someone here and there? Well, I don't need or want to do that nor should I.
> 
> Plus there's NO sharing of phones or being on each other's Facebook. Probably helps that he's not on Facebook but if he was I'd block him but we have mutual friends and I tend to keep it clean and impersonal in any case. Always a good idea with social networking.
> 
> I guess in the initial stages of a break up it's a shock and I will admit that when we first separated I would not have liked to see my ex with someone else. It's one of the things that kept me committed to him in the marriage. But once I made the emotional break and divorced him MENTALLY I could care less. It took awhile to get to that point though so you need to give yourself time. Everyone needs that time, it's just a matter of how and when you get there.



Freak....Wow. Well said, it clears up so many questions. This is exactly what she is doing. Doesn't make it any easier, but at least I kinda understand why she is doing it. I think the shock of her moving on really caught me off guard. It seems so fast, but if she checked out a while ago, then maybe it is her time. I just don't want to see them in public just yet. The censor that goes from my brain to my mouth is out of order, and I'm worried how I will react. I guess time will tell.


I went on the dating site that she is using, and I created a profile. That way when she searches for guys, my picture will come up, letting her know, I am moving on. She was a very jealous person, and I know it would burn her to see me with someone else. I was actually messaged by a woman, she seems very nice and cute. It is nice, just talking to someone that wants to get to know you again. Not sure if I am ready to date, but I see no harm in making new friends.

I never really pulled away from my friends, in fact, I am not more active in their lives. I don't golf, but I have been out three times, driving the cart and drinking beer with them. Also they all have children, so it is nice to be there around their smiling faces. No matter how crappy my day is when a 5 year old comes up and tries to tickel you, you cant help but smile.


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## hope4family

I don't know how I missed this post. But Freak it's brilliant and true.



Freak On a Leash said:


> This is where men and women differ.
> 
> Women are (as in many ways) totally opposite. This is especially true if a woman is the one who initiates the break up of a marriage and feels she's been neglected in a romantic sense by her ex husband. *The wife who begs and fights with her husband to "spend more time with me" and wishes she'd seen flowers and candy and romantic nights at a B&B and got none of that will now try and get those things from someone else.*


Not only that, but I found out that this can be part of the "script" women throw at you. It doesn't matter how many times you personally begged her to drop the kid off with the parents so you could have a night or God forbid a weekend together. 

It does make me sad though, for the women who actually were neglected. 



Freak On a Leash said:


> To a man, a break up and then witnessing all this from their ex wife is shocking and unexpected. A lot of men after a breakup will start drinking or let themselves go by sitting home, watching porn movies and playing video games while their ex wives/girl friends are getting all dolled up to go out, making new friends and going out dancing and drinking with new love interests. This actually makes a lot of sense if you think about it.


This makes sense to me. Even though, mine was more adjusting to being the primary caregiver. So there was no drinking involved, and a lot of pushups. Until I figured out what to do with my child and develop a social life.



Freak On a Leash said:


> However I do draw the line at jumping into relationships and won't just date anyone. I seem to have a hard time at crossing that line and it's a good thing IMO. It's my natural distrust pickiness I guess. But the whole ritual of dressing up and going out is exciting. It sure beats staying home and watching a movie every weekend, which was pretty much what my routine was with my ex husband.


Ya'know, two things. Hardest things for me to hear was when my ex-wife (Judgement in 3 days!) told me how her leaving me was supposed to devastate me. 

Was I? Sure. For about a day. Then there was two steps forward 3 steps back moments. But once you hit bottom, you can only climb upward. I admit I have had more drinks lately then I have in a while, but I don't think drinking liquor 3x in 1 month as opposed to maybe 2 drinks in 7 months constitutes me as "getting over her." I did go out almost immediately and started seeking validation in small forms. I thank Synthetic for that advice. I miss that guy. 

The next "thing" is I agree don't just date anyone to get over it. Unless of course you really want to. But that to me sounds immature. If you truly are a great person, then you will find yourself with many opposite sex "friends" who are feeling for an in.


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## Freak On a Leash

hope4family said:


> Not only that, but I found out that this can be part of the "script" women throw at you. It doesn't matter how many times you personally begged her to drop the kid off with the parents so you could have a night or God forbid a weekend together.
> 
> It does make me sad though, for the women who actually were neglected.


I was one of the women who were actually neglected. I would've been shocked if my ex husband had begged me to spend any time with him alone. Quite the opposite, it was I who followed him about for years, begging for his attention and time while he routinely ignored me and pushed me away. 

We never went anywhere, did anything as a couple that he initiated or planned. It was always ME who begged, pleaded and planned everything. Sometimes he would go along but more often then not he would just say "no". 

I heard "no" a lot, from outings together to having sex. When we did do something together it was only a matter of time before he would stop doing it and abandon me and then chastise me for feeing bad and "making him feel guilty."

It was a pretty horrendous 24 years of marriage and I'm glad it's over.


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## Freak On a Leash

lost hunter said:


> I went on the dating site that she is using, and I created a profile. That way when she searches for guys, my picture will come up, letting her know, I am moving on. She was a very jealous person, and I know it would burn her to see me with someone else. I was actually messaged by a woman, she seems very nice and cute. It is nice, just talking to someone that wants to get to know you again. Not sure if I am ready to date, but I see no harm in making new friends.


Just the fact that you need to do this, to go on the same dating site as she is using in the hopes of making her jealous is an indication that you are nowhere near over her and your marriage and you probably shouldn't be dating at all. 

I know how you feel. For a long time the fear of seeing my ex husband with another woman actually kept me in the marriage. Now I'd actually feel sorry for any woman he dates.


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## Freak On a Leash

BTW, thanks for all the kind words about my prior post. I guess I did explain things fairly well. It's pretty much how I see it..And from personal experience and what I've observed. 

I really do believe that God is up there laughing his head off while we men and women run around in circles trying to figure each other out..:rofl:


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## brokenbythis

Freak On a Leash said:


> :scratchhead:  I'm trying to figure out: 1. Why would you WANT to stay married to this person.
> 
> 2. Why would anyone else want to sleep with her?


HA! You'd be surprised what people will sleep with. My ex is extremely obese, dead broke and has 3 baby mamas (and I was the only one he was married to). He is bipolar, is abusive, reckless and immature.

He has no money due to all the child and spousal support, and his 2nd last sex buddy/skank he knocked up (while we were married) will be, for sure, filing for child support in a few months when she pops out his latest illegitimate baby.

Yet he seems to bang one ********* after another. 

Answer to your question: People like this attract their own kind. Bottom of the barrel attracks bottom of the barrel. Water seeks its own level. Desperate meets desperate.


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## Freak On a Leash

Well, at least he pays child support. It's more than I can say for my ex husband. 

I couldn't sleep with someone who is morbidly obese. I'd rather go at it alone. Yuck.


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## brokenbythis

Freak On a Leash said:


> Well, at least he pays child support. It's more than I can say for my ex husband.
> 
> I couldn't sleep with someone who is morbidly obese. I'd rather go at it alone. Yuck.


He pays = wage assignment, he doesn't have a choice in the matter


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## Freak On a Leash

I guess it helps to have a JOB, which my ex doesn't have. He just selling his stuff to live the bum life. It would be pretty funny if it wasn't so sad.


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