# Second guessing everything.



## Mrsmartian (Aug 21, 2013)

Hi, This is my first post. I've been reading these forums since i found out about my husbands online affairs. From here, I've since learned they are cyber affairs.

I found out about him doing this about a year ago.He left open the FB message window and it was a conversation between him and a woman. I was very angry and upset.I challenged him. He got very angry and refused to talk about it at all. I confronted him about it several times and eventually he gave me a story. That frankly i fell for. I won't go into it. As this post will likely be very long and boring as it is.

I think i wanted to believe his story. In spite of all the holes and the ridiculousness of it. Basically because I didn't want to believe he was telling another woman that he'd never met, he loved her and missed her letters if she didn't write every day.

Fast forward a year to this summer. I catch him out again. This time he left an email open behind some other windows on his PC.
It was all very bland stuff really. But again he told her that he loved her and she said she loved him.

Thing is. It was the SAME woman he was talking to the year before. He knew how i reacted. He knew it had hurt me terribly. Even though. He got incredibly embarrassed. He denied it was an affair. As They'd never met. Even though she wanted to. He'd kept making excuses. They did cyber sex via emails. 

I told him to stop. Told him that he would have to write to her, in front of me and tell her that he was married. He said he didn't want to. That he didn't want to hurt her. Incredulously, i asked if he really was choosing a stranger over me, over us and our marriage. He said i was being pathetic. Making a mountain out of a molehill.

However, after lots of horrible scenes where i totally lost my temper. He wrote to her and called it off. He then showed me her reply where she called him a scumbag. He didn't become more open. He locked himself down. Passworded everything because he thought i was snooping. That caused rows too! I hadn't needed to snoop! He'd been really...lax?

A month goes by. I decide that i will snoop after all. I go on his tablet. Check his mail. Sure enough. THERE are the emails. Same game. Same woman.

This time, i got more info. He met her thru an online dating site. Its been going on about 2 years. They write fantasy to one another. He believes she lives in the Netherlands because he went on a site that far away thinking no one who knew him would see it.

I don't think she was entirely honest with him either (surprise!) because from her emails i can tell she is from the UK too. She is also married with children. He believes she knows nothing but the lies he fed her. I laugh at this because i first caught them out on facebook. Where she could freely see that he was married. Where he was from etc.

The only reason i've been able to write about it. Is by not saying too much about how i'm feeling. I think its helping me really. Venting is important. Isn't it?

The background is. We've been married 5 years. He became ill shortly after our marriage. I eventually had to give up my job to care for him and my autistic daughter. It's been tough but I thought, worth it. I adore him.

I know he has withdrawn from me over the past couple of years. Due to his medication virtually killing his sex drive and his ability to have sex how he thinks he should be able to.

I've tried very hard in that time to encourage him to try other ways. To keep intimacy in our relationship. You see, I thought we were incredibly close. A team.

It shocked me to realise that he needed to exercise his sexuality by writing about sex to another woman. WHY didn't he talk to me? He knows me. He knew I would try anything to keep us strong.

Turns out. I don't think he cares about me. Not if he can hurt me over and over. Know he's doing it. Yet when asked about it. Can only relate how much embarrassment he is feeling about me knowing what he does.


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

Did you inform her husband ? I'm sure that would help in stopping these two horndogs.
Make sure you keep all evidence in a safe place
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mrsmartian (Aug 21, 2013)

No I haven't told anyone. I needed to be sure I would be doing the right thing.


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

Sounds like your the only one that wants to do the right thing. 

You are fighting for your marriage. It's a gloves off bare knuckle brawl. You need to inform owh. It's your best bet in ending this nonsense.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

You will find on this forum that when married people have affairs, exposing to the other betrayed spouse usually puts a stop to it, not always , but what do you have to lose by doing it ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mrsmartian (Aug 21, 2013)

It seems nothing. I suppose it was some misguided attempt to protect a man and his children from the hurt I'm feeling. Not based in anything realistic. I think I must still be utterly shell shocked...I'm sorry. Perhaps I should have posted after I'd managed to get my head together a little more.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I am so sorry I am sure you are suffering so much. If you don't nip it, it only grows as you now have learned:

This is a good place to start, I am also a "warrior mom" by the way


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Mrsmartian said:


> It seems nothing. I suppose it was some misguided attempt to protect a man and his children from the hurt I'm feeling. Not based in anything realistic. I think I must still be utterly shell shocked...*I'm sorry. Perhaps I should have posted after I'd managed to get my head together a little more.*




don't be sorry, this is a support form.


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## Mrsmartian (Aug 21, 2013)

mablenc said:


> [/B]
> 
> don't be sorry, this is a support form.


Thanks! All I seem to be doing lately is being sorry! Really really wish I didn't feel so depressed. Before this I was the one everyone came to for strength and support. 
I don't know how to make him stop. I know how to in theory, but he's just playing lip service. He doesn't really believe he's done anything wrong. It was stupid of me to think they had stopped.
Thanks very much for the replies.


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

You will get through this 

We are here to help
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

Mrs. Martian, you will get a lot of advice here, that may seem a little harsh, I did, but i wish I had followed all of it right away. 
The ONLY way to stop this is to expose it to everyone involved, especially the OW's husband BH, betrayed husband, aka BS betrayed spouse. Protect yourself! forget them. they do not deserve it. Start the 180 contact an attorney and consider filing for divorce. You don't have to follow through with it but you will have that info and you need to take back the power.

And, speaking of power, knowledge is power. If your WH doesn't want a divorce he must be transparent, you get all passwords, he closes the offending accounts, he goes NC with the OW that's it. He answers all your questions truthfully, all of it no trickle truth. Stay calm but be insistent. If he won't do any of this go ahead and follow through, you have lost him already.

Others will give you more advice that I am right now. I was lucky, my WH who also had cyber affairs, finally got it that he was about to lose me for good, and he stopped all deception ended his affair, is truly remorseful and completely transparent. He will answer any and all questions no matter how uncomfortable they may make him. he knows I need this. He knew I needed all the info, all the details I asked for so I could process it and work through it in my head. I don't check up on him as much any more, but he knows I will from time to time for my own peace of mind and not wanting to be hurt again. 

We are in a much better place now, but it's because he knows this is his last chance.


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## Mrsmartian (Aug 21, 2013)

movin on said:


> You will get through this
> 
> We are here to help
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I had a feeling I'd found the right place


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## Mrsmartian (Aug 21, 2013)

Pam J, Thanks for your advice. I don't mind if some of it is harsh. I obviously need to get real. I thought i had made a breakthrough with him until i discovered those emails AFTER he'd sent the nc one. It was OW that initiated contact. (learning what all these abbreviations mean). I don't know THAT much about her. I did extensive googling of her name until i whittled it down to this one person. When i told him what i thought I knew about her, he went very pale! So i figured i was somewhere near the money.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

If you want to save your marriage, you have to start getting systematic about your response. You lay it out to him very seriously and starkly: It's complete NC, verifiable and transparent, with the OW, or you are filing for divorce. If having your husband regularly declare his love for another woman isn't a reason for divorce, I don't know what is.

So, stop letting him downplay what is clearly a serious breach and betrayal. He must go complete NC. He must be transparent about his accounts and who he is talking to. He either agrees or you're done. You have to get your act together and be tough and clear.

Expose the A to the OWH without telling your WH that you are doing it. Just do it. At the same time, read up on the 180 and start implementing it so that you can rebuild some of your emotional strength.

Good luck! It's tough, but it's the one chance you have now if you want your marriage.


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## Mrsmartian (Aug 21, 2013)

Yes. That is what I'll do. No more floundering about.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Mrsmartian - I don't really have anything to offer advise wise...you've been given great advice from the others already. 

I just wanted to add my voice to the other posters saying his behavior is utterly and completely unacceptable.

They exchanged 'I love you's' .
Not sure i could get over that!

You've been betrayed, lied to and repeadly deceived... i really hope you can find the strength to stand up for yourself here.

If (and when) you feel weak or sad...come back here... re-read inspiring posts and ask for support. It will come.


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## ILoveMyWife! (Sep 5, 2013)

do exactly what pam said. Also expose the other woman too. She played a part in all this. If you're husband is willing to be transparent then work on it. If he is not then tell him you cant continue this way. Good luck! Keep us updated


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Would counselling help? Perhaps different drugs for your husband? 

Is this impacting on your daughter?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mrsmartian (Aug 21, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Would counselling help? Perhaps different drugs for your husband?
> 
> Is this impacting on your daughter?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wanted counselling. He has a mental health problem that has made him very ill these past few years. So fortunately we do have access to help for him. Of course he is adamant that he will not discuss this with them. Or at least he has been up till now!

His medication has been finely tuned to benefit his symptoms. The. Docs have done their best to help with the side effects. We were given some great advice but he won't try it.

My daughter has been impacted because I have been behaving differently. Emotions are a mystery to her but she can feel atmosphere and notice changes around her. She just doesn't know what they mean! I have been very careful never to talk to him about the ow when she is around. Shouting makes her very upset.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Mrsmartian said:


> I wanted counselling. He has a mental health problem that has made him very ill these past few years. So fortunately we do have access to help for him. Of course he is adamant that he will not discuss this with them. Or at least he has been up till now!
> 
> His medication has been finely tuned to benefit his symptoms. The. Docs have done their best to help with the side effects. We were given some great advice but he won't try it.
> 
> My daughter has been impacted because I have been behaving differently. Emotions are a mystery to her but she can feel atmosphere and notice changes around her. She just doesn't know what they mean! I have been very careful never to talk to him about the ow when she is around. Shouting makes her very upset.


Yes. I have learnt something about interacting with someone who has an autistic condition over the past 24 years as my wife is a high functioning Asperger's.

Problem is doctors in the UK have very different ideas about drug use than -say- the USA.

Someone who I know was working in the USA for a while and when their US doctor saw how long they'd been on a particular drug, he threw a fit. In the USA the drug in question would be prescribed for a maximum of a few months. Their UK doctor had kept them on it for years.

So a medicines review (paying attention to side effects) might be helpful for your husband.


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## Mrsmartian (Aug 21, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Yes. I have learnt something about interacting with someone who has an autistic condition over the past 24 years as my wife is a high functioning Asperger's.
> 
> Problem is doctors in the UK have very different ideas about drug use than -say- the USA.
> 
> ...


My daughter doesn't have Asperger. She is autistic along side a significant learning disability. 

I too have a doctor friend from the U.S. for my husbands condition he is on a ****tail of drugs typically used there and here for his issue. We have to be careful here that I don't use this as too much of an excuse for what is going on. I fell into that trap before. That's why I'm here now.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Mrsmartian said:


> My daughter doesn't have Asperger. She is autistic along side a significant learning disability.
> 
> I too have a doctor friend from the U.S. for my husbands condition he is on a ****tail of drugs typically used there and here for his issue. We have to be careful here that I don't use this as too much of an excuse for what is going on. I fell into that trap before. That's why I'm here now.


They are both autistic spectrum disorders. But they are different, that's true.

My wife is prone to get very upset if things are not just so.

We do tend to make excuses for our nearest and dearest, don't we?


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## Mrsmartian (Aug 21, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> They are both autistic spectrum disorders. But they are different, that's true.
> 
> My wife is prone to get very upset if things are not just so.
> 
> We do tend to make excuses for our nearest and dearest, don't we?


We do, don't we! Sorry, I didn't mean to infer that Aspergers wasn't within the spectrum. Blame bad typing on a teeny keyboard mixed with a befuddled mind.
I've done an awful lot today. While necessary, left me feeling a bit shaken.


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