# Affair??



## marika906 (Jul 12, 2011)

My husband of almost 5 yrs, together 8, asked for a divorce about a month ago. Came as a complete shock to me! He told me one night in bed. He said he never really loved me and there was always something missing. We have 2 young children together, 3 and 5, and I wanted to try and work things out. Well, come to find out, he had been talking to a women on the phone, who by the way is married, for almost a month before he asked for the divorce. I found the number on our cell records and confronted him a number of times, each time him denying it. Finally, I heard from another person that he was talking to a girl, and confronted him once more and he admitted it. He told me she had also asked her husband for a divorce around the same time. It's all kind of fishy to me, he says they are just friends and that they are talking because they are going through the same thing. Her husband contacted me and said she admitted that her and my husband kissed while she was visiting,she lives in another state. Once again, confronted my husband about that and he admitted that they just kissed but stopped because they knew it was wrong. He swears up and down that there is nothing else going on but, my gut is telling me something else. I'm at a loss as to what to do now. Do I just let him go without fighting for my husband? I realize that I was doing things that drove him to talk to her, I want to give this a chance but he is so angry and cold to me, he is just willing to give up. Any advice would be great!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Tell him to go, do not beg or plead..give him ataste of what it will be like when your not around. Show him you are confident in moving on with out him and you will succeed in raising his children with out him.
People want what they can't have and once he sees a stonge women moving on it will get him to second guess his choices.

make this is affair as uncomfortable and inconvienent as possible by exposing to everyone.

He is in the fog and he is rewriting history so everything he tells you is twisted and ditorted b/c of the unfluence from the OW.

Acnkoldge your part in the problematic marriage and inform him that you are moving on and bettering your self and making the healthy changes for your next relation ship.

Distance your self and don't let him play the friendship card...friends don't betray friends. Friends don't sue each other either, and that is axactly what you plan on doing...sueing him for divorce.

Take a tough stance now get him second guessing him self, take the kids and leave him out of it. Seriously give him a strong taste of reality. Right now its all fantasy for him so both you and the kids need to distance your selve from him. Lets face it this is what it will be like for him for now on. 

While you are making changes to better your self invite him along only if he stops all contact with OW.

show him the additude that you will be better off with out him, give him the perception that you are stronger then he thought by snubbinh your nose at his weakness and laugh at him for his ignorence. 

Granted you can own your part in the problematic marriage and take the hard road to work on fixing your self, but for him he is also part of the problem and is taking the easier way out ..only to continue with the same behaviors.

Do not show weakness perseption and additude is evrything...no begging or cring for your marriage show him a change women that he is not expecting and he might think twice.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

the guy said:


> Tell him to go, do not beg or plead..give him ataste of what it will be like when your not around. Show him you are confident in moving on with out him and you will succeed in raising his children with out him.
> People want what they can't have and once he sees a stonge women moving on it will get him to second guess his choices.
> 
> make this is affair as uncomfortable and inconvienent as possible by exposing to everyone.
> ...


i agree with this whether you decide you want him back after he has been intimate with another woman or if you want to move on. be strong, at least around him.



> Acnkoldge your part in the problematic marriage


i only agree with this as far as bettering yourself.
any part you had in marital problems does NOT make him do what he did.
you had no part of that. 
that was all him.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hi Marika 

Don't chase after him, don't beg, don't plead. Just tell him you accept his decision and aren't into a marriage where you're beingn cheated on anyway. Find your self-respect and don't tolerate it. Tell him that since he wants the divorce, he can leave. Lawyer up, protect yourself and the kids cause right now he DOES NOT have your best interests.

As for the OW: tell her husband immediately about the affair. Expose the affair to him. Do so without lettingn your husband or the OW know in advance. Why? Because this gives them time to
get their stories straight and paint you as the psycho wife who claims they are having an affair behind the husband's back. 

DO NOT CHASE AFTER HIM. Get out of the house, buy some sexy underwear and go out with your girls one night soon for dinner to talk and laugh. Get a sitter.

NEVER EVER chase a dog that is running away from you.


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## marika906 (Jul 12, 2011)

My kids and I have already moved out. We moved 45 mins away from him. He only sees the kids on the weekends because that is the only time he is able to see them. The past two weekends he has cut short his time with the kids for one reason or another. The first night two weekends ago, I had to drop a carseat off with him and the kids saw me outside and came running out crying because they wanted to come with me (I was trying to be sneaky so they wouldn't see me for that reason). The second night, he just let the kids go with his parents. The OW was up visiting that weekend. This past weekend I wouldn't let him pick up the kids because he was with a person I don't approve of and didn't want the kids around that person. He asked if he had to make a special trip and I said, if you want to see your kids bad enough you will. Needless to say, he never came and got them, the OW was still visiting. He picked them up the next day and took them to his house. They spent the night with him and this Sunday he dropped the kids off early at his parent, cutting short his already shortenend weekend to go help the OW who's car broke down 5 hrs from us. He says he wants to see the kids but has yet to prove it. He said he dropped the kids off early because he needed some "me time". I told him that this was the way our lives would be now. He would be working all week, and have the kids on the weekend, there would be no "me time" for him because of his actions. He actually said he would like it better being by himself. So I don't know if anything I do, would make a difference to him. Hope this all made sense


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## marika906 (Jul 12, 2011)

As for the OW, her husband knew there was another person involved, she just wouldn't tell him who. Well he found out and contacted me. She isn't too happy with the fact that I am now talking to her husband, which I don't understand why because she's making it seem like she is completely done with him. My husband couldn't care less if we are talking. She is also telling her husband to be faithful and she will be faithful until after the divorce. Makes me wonder if she's trying to play them both to her advantage. She will not respond to me at all. My husband and her are both angry that their little secret is now out in the open. My husband lives in a small town, which she is from, so it doesn't take things very long to get around. I will admit that I am a little amused that everything is now out in the open and people are talking about them.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Hi Marika
> 
> Don't chase after him, don't beg, don't plead.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## marika906 (Jul 12, 2011)

I didn't think you could use adultery in courts nowadays. And what is the 180 plan?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yeah she is trying to play them both. Isn't it obvious? She can cheat on him currently but holds him to a different standard? What a joke.

I would not have left the house since you had every right to be there. 

Adultery can be used to sue in some states/as the reason for the divorce. Do a search at the top of TAM re: the 180. It's basically doing the opposite you are used to doing. 

Example: If you are used to asking your husband to please stay andd work on the marriage with you, STOP doing that. If you never make time for a manicure, get one this weekend. Drive a different way home, etc. The 180s are for YOU.

I do think its GREAT you talked to her husband to expose their lies.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

You're right. At this point, theres nothing you can do, because he is deep in the affair fog with his OW. Expose the A to everyone that you can. Make the A very uncomfortable for them. Lawyer up.

Advise him that you will rake him over the coals in the divorce because of his adultery. You can still mention it with regards to child visitation, if he even gets it because of the adultery. Also, you can get the morality clause into the custody agreement, where OW CANNOT spend the night while he has the kids.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

marika906 said:


> She is also telling her husband to be faithful and she will be faithful until after the divorce. Makes me wonder if she's trying to play them both to her advantage.


sure, she has a back up if your cheating husband does not work out.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Move back in to the house. Tell him to leave.
This is a NATURAL CONSEQUENCE of his affair. There is no reason you should move.
Move back in with your kids they need there home.
He probably won't argue with this.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I agree with Ing. Move home. He can GTFO if he wants to so bad.


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## marika906 (Jul 12, 2011)

Me and the kids actually moved in with my parents. It was the best decision for us because I need their support and all I had around me out there was his family. The kids are actually pretty happy here, which is good. His family, all except his sister, doesn't know about all this. He says they know they are talking but that's it. I would really like to tell them about everything, just don't know how to bring it up without sounding like a tattle tale. 
I want to get a lawyer, just not really sure what to ask. That and I can't really afford one. He scared me out of getting one in the very beginning because he said "You don't want a lawyer. You get a lawyer you will get half of everything, including half the debt." He also tried to talk me into agreeing on an amount of child support so I wouldn't go through the court. He makes a decent amount of money, so he will be paying, I'm assuming, a decent amount in child support. He offered me $300 a month for 2 kids, when he brings in almost $1000 every 2 weeks. I said no way, and went and filed child support with the courts. He is worried about how he is going to make ends meet, I told him, I have to worry about me and the kids and how I'm going to make ends meet for them. I told him that they will take child support out of his paychecks automatically, which he was pretty surprised about. I think he thought he could just pay me himself. He's been trying to weasle out of the child support since the beginning.
Basically, he's being selfish, and I really shouldn't care about him one bit. But, I'm trying to keep things civil for the kid's sake.


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## marika906 (Jul 12, 2011)

Oh, forgot to mention. The OW husband has pretty much made it impossible for her to move back here, we live in michigan, them in ohio. He filed for their divorce which gave him full custody of the kids right now. He is not letting the kids leave with her, and plans on fighting her for the next 18 yrs if possible. Her husband and his entire family, which is all she has there, has pretty much disowned her at this point. They plan on making her life hell as much as possible. Again, amusing to me at right now.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

OH HELL NO (about him telling you not to get a lawyer). 

You know why he's saying that right? Cause he is afraid you may actually get what you are entitled to and he won't be running the show/calling all the shots.

Do not let him dictate the terms of your divorce when he is the idiot who unilaterallly decided to terminate the marriage. Uh uh, no way, no how.

GET A LAWYER STAT and ask what you are entitled to and file for child support at minimum. Generally, half is yours so get what you can claim. 

If he wants out so bad, get the biggest check he is willing or made to pay


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Lawyer up and don't let his cheating @ss get away with anything. Rake him over the coals! This man is manipulative as hell.


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## marika906 (Jul 12, 2011)

When he told me not to get the lawyer, it was right in the beginning before the whole OW thing came to light. I think that's another reason why he told me not to, he was scared. He has talked to a lawyer and this lawyer told him that michigan, where we live, is a no-fault divorce state. Which he told me meant you don't need a reason to get a divorce. I would love to bring all this up in court but don't I need actual, physical proof? I have the phone records which is about it at this point. He took himself off our cell phone account the day after he asked for the divorce. So I don't know how much they are actually talking right now. 
Another thing, I told him I was thinking about keeping the kids this weekend because it seems to me he doesn't really want to spend time with them, and he proceeded to tell me to eff off, and he was going to tell the courts I was an unfit mother and I would never see them again. He said he can play games too. This was all in a text message, should I save it?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

marika906 said:


> I would love to bring all this up in court but don't I need actual, physical proof? I have the phone records which is about it at this point. He took himself off our cell phone account the day after he asked for the divorce. So I don't know how much they are actually talking right now.


Have you saved the emails from OWH? I would ask that question when you consult a lawyer.



marika906 said:


> Another thing, I told him I was thinking about keeping the kids this weekend because it seems to me he doesn't really want to spend time with them, and he proceeded to tell me to eff off, and he was going to tell the courts I was an unfit mother and I would never see them again. He said he can play games too. This was all in a text message, should I save it?


Go ahead and save it and bring it when you consult your lawyer. Oh, and he's bluffing. What proof does he have that you're an unfit mother? Unless you're a crack addict in jail, there's not much he can do. In fact, there's nothing he can do until a court order concerning custody is signed by a judge. And in the mean time, I wouldnt let him take the kids until there is a court ordered custody agreement, because he can do the same to you. Or until you get legal advice from your lawyer. Which is why you should lawyer up ASAP.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

You absolutely need a lawyer. The only way you'll get your marriage back on track, if it's possible and if you want to, is to show your husband that his future will not be very rosy.

If he thinks paying for one household is expensive now, wait until he has to pay for two. Courts really don't give a rat's a$$ how your husband will support himself after child support. A judge will just come up with a nice fat number and tell your husband to try to get by on the rest. Tough luck.

And you absolutely need to save all your husband's communications. Take notes when you speak to him on what was said. Document when he takes the kids and when he brings them back (as in early) so that you can use that in court. It will help your case when you can say that your husband doesn't even use the weekend time that you're currently offering him. So he should obviously get less time.

It's time to bring the thunder down on this cheater's a$$. Don't give an inch. Take his house away. Take his cars. Take his savings. If the OW is so wonderful, he shouldn't mind starting his new life with her in Ohio without a pot to pi$$ in.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yes--save everything he sends you. It's proof of his malicious intentions. 

Get a lawyer today.

No more talking to him about anything other than co-parenting.


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## marika906 (Jul 12, 2011)

So, I told my husband he could have the kids a night early to go camping, thurs night instead of friday, I changed my mind because my time was cut short because I let the kids stay with his parents 2nights in a row. I told him I was keeping them thursday night and he could come get them early friday. He then proceeded to tell me he was for sure going to file friday morning for a divorce, he's been holding off, I asked if that was supposed to bother me, I'm done trying to make things right w/him. I'm done bending over backwards thinking of his feelings. And then I asked him, in other words, if I let him have the kids he won't file? He then said that his lawyer, which up until last night there was no lawyer and no money for a lawyer, said that until the divorce is over its 50/50 with the kids. So unless I want the cops called on me I won't pull this, more or less threatening me. I asked, if its 50/50 then where is child support if its 50/50? He has given me $100 since me and the kids moved out over a month ago, and I had to ask for it. He said it only referred to parenting time. I told him he was basically bullying me into getting what he wanted and I have proof w/the texts. He told me its the law, I can't keep them from him, which I told him I wasn't he could have them friday. I then called the police station to ask if they would do anything if he called and they said no because there is no court order, he would have to go through the court system before they would do anything. I then told him the cops won't do anything, he said it fu*#s up the camping plan. During all this, I was so upset I had my mom, who didn't want to get involved, call and tell his parents about the OW. I was too upset to call. So, I am calling a lawyer tomorrow who I had an appointment with a week ago but she had to reschedule to see what my options are. I am scared to let him have the kids at all right now because he knows he can take the kids and not give them back and the police won't do anything, he might have to wait till we go to court to see the kids. I have been nothing but nice to him after all the disrespect he's shown me during all this. Making sure he spends time with the kids because they need their dad. The gloves are off, and he brought it on himself!!!


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

marika906 said:


> he might have to wait till we go to court to see the kids.


see a lawyer to find out your rights on this.

this is too bad but i think he brought it on him self.
i would definitely find out about waiting until a court order is in place.
i dont agree with keeping either parent from seeing their children, but sometimes it is necessary.

he is sounding very arrogant about this and surely trying to bully you.
dont let him.
stand your ground very firmly.


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## marika906 (Jul 12, 2011)

I've never ever wanted to keep the kids from their dad, I don't think its right. Our son called him last night to stop and see him and his sister and my husband said he couldn't because he had a side job to do, which I understand. So our son called again today to have him come visit, again he said he was busy. We agreed ourselves that I would have the kids sunday night through friday night and he would get the weekends. I've told him numerous times though that if he wanted some time during the week after he's done work, to take the kids to the park or take them to dinner, he's more than welcome to. Again, me bending over backwards for him. He turned down two attempts from our 5 year old son to see his dad. Breaks my heart. Anyway, after what he pulled tonite threatening me, I'm scared to send the kids with him. Last weekend our son was upset and didn't want to go with his dad, so my husband grabbed him and forced him into the truck while he was crying. I proceeded to get in the truck and take my son out telling my husband he will not take our kids like that. I don't even know him anymore. I'm honestly at a loss with him and his actions lately. But, like I keep telling myself, I'm not the one who did this, he caused the situation to be the way it is. I'm not the one who broke our vows, and cheated.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

marika906 said:


> But, like I keep telling myself, I'm not the one who did this, he caused the situation to be the way it is. I'm not the one who broke our vows, and cheated.


and KEEP telling yourself this.

find an attorney asap.
lots will talk to you for a short time for free for a consultation.
find out what you can do about the kids until there is a court order because of his threats.


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