# Intimacy ... wife never wants, is it me.



## g00dguy (May 16, 2013)

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Hello everyone! This is my first post. I've never been on one of these forums before, but a female friend at work suggested to take my questions/concerns online (so here I am... ).

****** (my wife nick name) and I have been married for 7 years as of 2013. I'm 30 years old with a high sex drive and she is a few years younger with almost zero drive. We've talked about it several times and tried to even set goals. I've tried toys (expensive handheld ones), movies, dates, and even meds. She is usually too tired or not in the mood. I assumed it was because of the daily work load of house chores and our two children (5 yr old, 2 yr old). As any good husband would, I stepped up my game since February. I made it my mission to be the only one to do the dishes and wipe down the kitchen each day. Only one to now do the laundry twice a week (including folding and put away). Every weekend I force myself to get up early and vacuum the whole house. My wife cooks during the week and I do the cooking on the weekends.

All of my effects paid off after the first week and for the second week she was all over me (meaning sex twice that week, and shower play once as well). After that 2nd week it all went back to being the same - to tired or not in the mood. I'm still on my mission and have been doing most of the house chores by myself... but We might be intimate once a month if I'm lucky. I always make it a point to really help her relax and enjoy 'getting her Off' (in anyway she wants) - in part because I hope it will make her want it more often. She says all the time how lucky she is to be with me and that there is nothing wrong. We both have gained a little weight since we first got married (she was 120 lbs, now 140 i think; and I was 180 lbs 6 ft tall, now 200 lbs and lost my abs). Could that be the cause? I gained some belly fat? --- Having sex and being intimate with my wife 12 or LESS times a year is very hard for me, and she knows this because we have talked about it. Just wanted to see what more people thought about it. Maybe I'm being selfish.

Thank you for reading and sorry about the long typing... Any advise or constructive criticism would be appreciated. Thanks again.

Sincerely,
This G00dGuy!
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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

No you're not selfish. It is unfortunately very common for a woman to loose her sex drive when parenting small kids. Soooo many different factors play a role. Kids can make a woman feel "all touched out" like if one more person wants me to do something I'm gonna scream! Then you have hormones from pregnancy and child birth, body changes, weight issues which all bring about knocks to confidence which also adversely affects sex drive.

The good thing is you two seem to be talking about and you are responding. While I think being more of a help around the house is important, it alone won't make her feel sexy. Having time to get her old self back will.

Women view the role of mother as a chaste role. The role of wife is pretty chaste too. the role of girlfriend however, is one of sexy hotness. Stop referring to her as your wife, to her, and start calling her your girlfriend.

The rest is up to her. There are lots of things she can do to get her sex drive back and with such a wonderful supportive husband I should think it won't take too long! But she has to do that work, she has to take that responsibility.

Send her here. Send her to her doc. Send her to google (how to get my sex drive back woman) some of it is crap,some is good, but the work is really on her.

Talk, talk talk talk and talk some more. This is an important issue in your marriage. Dont chock it up to "just the way things are" cause it's not. You go to work every day to provide for your family, she works every day to take care of the kids, you both have to work every day to take care of each other, and for most healthy people that means having a wonderful sex life.


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## BenDeToy (May 12, 2013)

Have you tried a self help book such as 'The Married Man's Sex Life Primer'?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Your forum name says it all. Read MMSL primer. You are killing yourself and your sex life with your actions.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

YOu have to work both sides of the street.
You have to be nice and meet her needs, but also make her fear losing everything if she cannot meet yours.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Has she been checked for depression? Does she seem depressed? She may be very tired from a raising a 5 yr old and a 2 yr old. Perhaps she feels only like a mother. Thats common when women have kids sometimes, they go into mommy mode and forget they are also a sexual being. It may or may not have anything to do with you, who knows for sure. One thing I notice on these forums sometimes is, how the husband says he steps up to the plate, he does this, this and this but it still doesn't help things with the wife, well IMO maybe thats not what shes really wanting. I mean helping out with the cooking, laundry and kids is great, but apparently something else is missing, and may have nothing to do with chores.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Hicks said:


> YOu have to work both sides of the street.
> You have to be nice and meet her needs, but also make her fear losing everything if she cannot meet yours.



I know you're right but it always makes me sad when it comes down to "you must meet my needs", as if it's some marital duty. Where's the fulfillment in that? Spouses are supposed to be connected and want intimacy with each other, even if desire levels are a bit mismatched. I feel bad that married people live this way. There's no feeling like the feeling you get from a spouse that really wants you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BenDeToy (May 12, 2013)

g00dguy said:


> *
> Hello everyone! This is my first post. I've never been on one of these forums before, but a female friend at work suggested to take my questions/concerns online (so here I am... ).
> 
> ****** (my wife nick name) and I have been married for 7 years as of 2013. I'm 30 years old with a high sex drive and she is a few years younger with almost zero drive. We've talked about it several times and tried to even set goals. I've tried toys (expensive handheld ones), movies, dates, and even meds. She is usually too tired or not in the mood. I assumed it was because of the daily work load of house chores and our two children (5 yr old, 2 yr old). As any good husband would, I stepped up my game since February. I made it my mission to be the only one to do the dishes and wipe down the kitchen each day. Only one to now do the laundry twice a week (including folding and put away). Every weekend I force myself to get up early and vacuum the whole house. My wife cooks during the week and I do the cooking on the weekends.
> ...


Hi again,

Abs help; of course they do. You are trying to "nice" your way out of a situation where being "nice" might make your wife's life easier but it probably has nothing to do with the problem at hand. There needs to be a quid pro quo.

How is it that she is calling the shots now? Why is she not "delivering" on her "side of the bargain".

It seems to me she is sitting back thinking how easy and generally great her life is as she does not have to do anything. 

She has to want to be intimate with you on a very deep level. 

_Washing the pots is not going to help that one bit_. I know this from bitter, painful, life shattering, experience.

If washing the pots gets you sex don't you think that would be a little unhealthy? Would that mean if you couldn't for whatever reason it would stop? Would buying dishwasher and hiring a maid mean that your wife no longer "had to" have sex with you?

I cannot recommend that book I mentioned highly enough. A few years ago I admit I would have dismissed it as pseudo scientific claptrap, but life came and taught me I was very, very wrong on that front.

As plan 9 rightly says, a marriage needs a lot of work - it needs tending like an unruly garden, but it needs work from both sides. It seems like you are doing too much and this is lowering your wife's respect for you. I hate to say it, but she probably does not even realise this.

Good luck and post back if you want to talk it over more.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

You're a HD guy and she is a LD woman.

Having kids will alter her hormones and her sex drive may drop significantly. Only time and meds will fix this.

Raising two kids is a job in itself and that will stress her out and drain her.

You work full time, and do much of the chores???

She raising the two kids, doesn't do as much of the chores or even works???

Sounds like she is getting a great deal, comfy and set in her ways. She has it good. Too good.

What's next? You do all the chores? Then she's spoiled and lazy.

You've talked about it and nothing really changes.

She could of decided to work like you and didn't have the kids.

She should be doing as many daily chores while raising the kids, like a full time job, so when you get home, you can help her with the remaining chores and spend some time with her.

Try not to fall into the read these books and talk more trap. Actions speak louder than words.........


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Education never hurt anyone or any relationship. Read all you can.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

I'm sorry, but what the hell does she do all day? Is she working outside the home? If she is, then I see nothing wrong with the way you're helping out so much. But if she's a SAHM, and you're doing dishes, housecleaning, laundry, etc., WHAT is she doing other than making a lunch and sending the older one off to school, and taking care of a 2 year old that is going to exhaust her every day? 

And before I get blasted for not knowing "how tough being a SAHM is", I was a single father to my son from the time he was 3 through 18. And held a full time job. It's not working in a coal mine for god sake... 

I don't see a problem that you do so much. In the scheme of things, taking care of dishes is no big deal. Taking over all laundry and house cleaning though, seems excessive if she's at home all day while you're working. What I see a problem with is she's not doing enough and is taking you for granted. 

Sounds like she's got it pretty damned good, and is just being lazy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

It is not you. After we had our first child sex became the last thing on my mind. It is really hard for me to switch gears from great mom and wife to sexy lover. It doesn't help that I pretty much only have responsive desire. 
After struggling for a few years, many tears, and a lot of frustration my husband and I normally have sex two or three times a week. I have given him the authority to tell me we will be having sex at least a few hours beforehand, and if he knows that morning he'll tell me then. Then I need to do whatever I need to do to get in a receptive mood. It might be a nap if I've been running after the kids all day, a bath to relax and get in touch with my body, maybe a glass of wine, whatever I think will get any stressful thoughts into the back of my mind. H usually does whatever I was going to do, dishes, kids baths, kids homework whatever might keep me in mom mode. 
It took some work to get this system working, H can't just tell me we are having sex if I am sick, or care taking for a sick child. We also have pretty much come to terms with the fact that I rarely initiate. Since I'm responsive desire, I was just randomly trying to initiate because I should. H could tell I wasn't raring to go and it felt fake. 
So we have sex pretty much as much as H wants to, and with some effort on my part to be open to him arousing me I really love it as well. Once he gets me going which he compares (lovingly) to lighting a fire with wet wood and no matches, I am very into just about anything H wants. 
We have both learned to accept my sexuality for what it is. H no longer is jumping through hoops trying to get me in the mood, I am not dreading duty sex, it is working for us.


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