# Splitting the Budget = Splitting marriage?



## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

Hello Everyone,

Hey Everyone! In case you haven't seen my posts before, my marriage is in a rough spot right now. Here is another section of difficulty we've been dealing with.

Budget and finances, YAY!

So some basic stuff. 
My wife makes slightly more than I do per year, but I've been catching up due to working overtime/earning commission. We'll say we're about even, but she might make slightly more or works less hours.

Earlier this year, I decided I wanted to pay off at least one of my student loans this year, or get as close as possible to paying it off. I shared this my wife and her comment varies between "It's your loan, your responsibility" and "Your money do with it what you want". I tried to plan a budget with my wife, but she didn't seem interested. I planned one myself and attempted to persuade my wife to take on a slightly larger % of bills (like 60/40 maybe) so I could pour as much spare money into eliminating my debt.

For the most part, she didn't seem interested in following my budget and a few times, she mentioned just splitting our finances.

Last night, she apparently had the last straw. Last night she said she was sick of the following;
-asking why she spent $x on lunch (double her normal amount) 
- telling her that her alcoholic purchases are adding to the grocery bill
-telling her I paid most of our expenses X month (which has been true for a few months, but I believe I said this in response to her telling me I hadn't paid anything for utility bills one month, which wasn't true)
-trying to limit our spending when eating out every month

She wants to spend her hard-earned money on whatever she likes, especially when it comes to eating out/food without any feeling of guilt of spending too much. 

I'm not sure if this is going to hurt our marriage, but here's what she decided.

-She's stopped her monthly contribution to me paying off my Rav4
-Everything is split evenly as far as bills are concerned. She opened a new checking account. We DD money into our joint account for Bills only.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

When was the student loan acquired? If it was during the marriage, she is wrong. Its marital debt. I see trouble brewing, you are a saver/debt payer. She is a spender. Paying off debt in the long run is much more important than living in the moment. If you cannot see eye to eye on these issues, I hope you don't have too much time invested in your marriage. Sorry, but from my experience, Ive had to deal with alot of the same issues, it didn't work out too well for me.


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

toonaive said:


> When was the student loan acquired? If it was during the marriage, she is wrong. Its marital debt. I see trouble brewing, you are a saver/debt payer. She is a spender. Paying off debt in the long run is much more important than living in the moment. If you cannot see eye to eye on these issues, I hope you don't have too much time invested in your marriage. Sorry, but from my experience, Ive had to deal with alot of the same issues, it didn't work out too well for me.


Thank you, Toonaive.

I acquired the student loans before we got married. I don't really expect her to help me pay it off, I was just hoping she would try to help more with the bills or at least try to cut back on spending money, though I guess this is somewhat the same as helping me pay off the loan. 

Lately, it seems like she really wants to spend a lot, perhaps because my conservative budgeting is pushing her MORE towards spending or maybe I'm just noticing it more. I've always been a fairly frugal guy, based on how I was raised (1 working parent, Family of 9--that's right, 7 kids + 2 parents, SAHM, my Dad made all the money). Honestly, though, there are a lot of things we need/want that I am totally fine with purchasing, I would just like to pay off my loans ASAP, especially one that has a high interest rate (technically not a government student loan).

In a way, I'm glad that we are splitting this, lately it seems like I've been using my card most of the time when we go get groceries and eat out, and in total (last month for instance) I contributed $300 more to our monthly expenses. I've tried to explain to her that I pay off my loan(s), I'll have a lot more money to contribute to whatever we need it for, as long as we can cut back and sacrifice a little spending for a few months. 

So, on the plus side, I'll be able to have more control over how much I spend, and put a little more towards loans.
On the downside, she's not helping me pay off our/my Rav4 and it may be driving us further apart.

The last thing I want to do is drive us further apart by doing this. I'm concerned that splitting the budget may do that.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Been there with the student loan thing. Your wife sees this as your own personal debt, and not a marital debt. Even though, the education derived from that is helping the marriage. Be aware that should you divorce, that debt will be completely yours. I am living this 20 years in the future. My almost XW wanted to pay the bills. I said fine. Only over the years I discovered that she was only paying the interest on my student loan, while she socked money away into a private account, and I paid for her masters degree. Thankfully, I found the private account, but her masters degree is hers free and clear, while I still have my student loan all these years later, and all the other marital debts. Im only saying this to you to be very wary and careful. Your wife is not handling marital assets out of consideration and love. Only selfishness. Money makes people do very strange things. Money is a tool to be used carefully and with logic. Though its use can be driven by emotion, money doesn't have any. It doesn't care about you, your wife, or your bills. Word to the wise. Be vigilant.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

The reason why you create a budget is to assist your family in reaching its financial goals. I understand your goals: 1) Payoff student loans, 2) Payoff your RAV4. 

I don't see any of your DW financial goals in your budget plan. I suggest she wants something to the effect of: $XXX/month discretionary spend without any oversight. (autonomy)

Make your budget process a win/win that provides your DW an equal share of the benefit. 

If you don't support your partner's goals, financial or otherwise ... you are on a slippery slope to roommate status.


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

Lila said:


> I've kept up with most of your other threads and to be completely honest, considering the current climate of your marriage, if I was your wife I too would choose not to contribute towards paying down your student loan debt or any debt you acquired prior to marriage. Having said that, she should be paying for 1/2 of all marital debt.
> 
> Was the Rav4 purchased after you married? If so, the payment should automatically be included as part of the monthly budget that she should be contributing to 50% based on her/your salaries.
> 
> How does she handle personal spending? Does she have outstanding debt on any of her personal credit cards?


The Rav4 was purchased during our marriage. For the most part, we consider it "my" car, while she owns a 2014 Toy Camry that she's also paying off, which is definitely her car. For the most part, we put more miles on the Rav4 while traveling together.

She is very good at managing the money she has to spend, she just doesn't like to be restricted too much, or have me complain about something being expensive (especially if it's food-related). She recently developed a taste for high-end steak (like $10-$13 a lb stuff) and Smirnoff/other alcohol which started adding $50-$75 to our monthly Grocery bill (over the past few months). I do certainly enjoy the steak, but I'm not a big consumer of alcoholic beverages. Also, she makes sure to payoff any CC debt before it starts acquiring interest.


I think the main thing that set her off was ME "complaining" or trying to manage our budget. IF she wants to spend money on something and I resist, she feels too restricted.

Lastly, I'm not too concerned with her helping me with my Student loans per se, but I was hoping she would help me with a slightly larger portio of the bills (ie if we pay 1000 for rent, maybe she does 600, I do $400), since she makes more than I do too.





toonaive said:


> Been there with the student loan thing. Your wife sees this as your own personal debt, and not a marital debt. Even though, the education derived from that is helping the marriage. Be aware that should you divorce, that debt will be completely yours. I am living this 20 years in the future. My almost XW wanted to pay the bills. I said fine. Only over the years I discovered that she was only paying the interest on my student loan, while she socked money away into a private account, and I paid for her masters degree. Thankfully, I found the private account, but her masters degree is hers free and clear, while I still have my student loan all these years later, and all the other marital debts. Im only saying this to you to be very wary and careful. Your wife is not handling marital assets out of consideration and love. Only selfishness. Money makes people do very strange things. Money is a tool to be used carefully and with logic. Though its use can be driven by emotion, money doesn't have any. It doesn't care about you, your wife, or your bills. Word to the wise. Be vigilant.


The student loans have always been mine. I wish I had started paying MORE on them before. I regret not doing that when I had less expenses (ofc, I had probably earned less at that time too). Technically, they aren't helping our marriage since I don't have a career related to my degree (it's rather a niche career, Animation). 

Idk if she's being selfish or I am. Maybe I shouldn't be complaining about her spending her money. Maybe I shouldn't be trying to funnel so much into my student loans.




Jung_admirer said:


> The reason why you create a budget is to assist your family in reaching its financial goals. I understand your goals: 1) Payoff student loans, 2) Payoff your RAV4.
> 
> I don't see any of your DW financial goals in your budget plan. I suggest she wants something to the effect of: $XXX/month discretionary spend without any oversight. (autonomy)
> 
> ...


Yeah, I have a feeling were ALREADY in Roommate status. We sleep in separate rooms because she says I wake her up whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, or even toss and turn in my sleep.

Honestly I feel like we've been drifting further apart as time goes on, despite having a pretty good Memorial Day weekend together.


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

My money, your money...ugh!!! There is no "I" in team. I thought people pledge all their worldly belongings when they "become one". Do you dream about the future? Together? I don't want to start a joint vs separate finances debate, but chalk another win for joint as you are seeing.

Is she a controlling bytch, or does she just hold your balls in a jar when it comes to finances? I find it hard to believe that it's just the 'finances' she takes control over. What over facets of M does she not do her part as a partner? She needs therapy guy as there's something that prohibits her from either trusting or sharing with someone she made M vows to!


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

Lila said:


> It sounds to me like you two need to sit down and talk about your finances, specifically your budget. The best financial plans are those where two people sit down and discuss the spending with an open mind.
> 
> You two don't seem to have any serious debt problems and don't appear to be living paycheck to paycheck so you might want to try the following system until you can get your relationship onto solid ground again. Keep the joint account and open individual accounts for you and your wife. Figure out the monthly basic needs budget. This should include food (no alcohol), utilities, car payments, insurance, fuel, mortgage/rent, car maintenance, any joint debt (loans/CC), joint savings (%), joint vacations/recreational/leisure activities. Split the needs budget based on percent income (40/60, 50/50, 48/52, whatever it is) and that's what each of you deposits into the joint account each month. The remainder of your individual checks go into your respective accounts to pay for the extras - any debt you had prior to marriage (i.e. you student loan), her personal CCs, your personal CCs, etc....
> 
> Hopefully, taking financial discussion off of the table will allow you and your wife to focus on the underlying problems with the relationship.


You are correct for the most part. We aren't living paycheck to paycheck with our combined income. I make less and have more debt, so obviously, I'll have tighter finances atm, not sure if it's going to be paycheck to paycheck though.

As far as your suggestion is concerned with the joint account and 2 separate checking accounts, that's pretty much how were doing it. However, it's ONLY 50/50, despite her making more and me having more debts. How can I convince her to contribute a bit more, based on her income (which was really my whole plan with the first budget I created)


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

Lila said:


> @JukeboxHero what's the split on the income? Is it 60/40 or 55/45? And aside from your student loans, what other debts do you have that would not be considered marital debt? I only ask because I want to make sure that I'm getting a good idea prior to giving you my advice.


I'm not great @ math, so here we go..

Using income 2014, it's about 57/43. However, I've been making good commission, working lots of OT, getting bonus. This year I should make more. Not sure about my wife.

My Rav4 is about 4k short of being paid off. and I have about 22k in student loans. 
She has a no interest car payment where she will pay it off in 5 yrs or less w no interest as long her monthly payments are on time.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

How old are the two of you? Do you have any children? As your financial resources are split, Suzie Orman suggest that contribution to the expenses are done via percentage of each of your income so that the costs to each of you are proportionate to the take home pay that you bring home.

You need to set common goals for the both of you. Otherwise, you will drift away from each other. I noticed how my older brother and his wife (in their early 60s) have drifted away from each other. My brother is a saver and my sister-in-law is a spender. They have little common goals.

I'm 57 and my husband 60. We have set common goals and we have joint accounts on everything. My husband is the one who worries about finances. I have a much greater take home pay than he does. However, I am not a spender. Hence, we don't have financial problems and have met our lifetime financial goals.

You and your wife really need to communicate; at least meet each other halfway so that you won't drift apart.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

I've never understood a married couple keeping separate finances. we each may have some savings or investments that our separate but the majority of debts and assets are shared. I've always thought that what marriage is about. If I had a housemate, someone I'm not married to, then our finances would be separate but that is a living arrangement to my thinking. Not a marriage.
And your marriage has other rough spots by your own admission. This financial stuff seems to be just another manifestation of a relationshsip in trouble.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

If having separate accounts works for a couple, I don't see anything wrong with it. Seems like the problem with the two of you isn't separate accounts but the inability to talk in a loving, team-like way about money (and other things?) When you ask to have more of the family income go toward paying off your student loans, you are asking your partner to sacrifice. There are things she can't have because you are getting something you want. So...I agree with Jung. You need to find a mutually satisfying solution. For her, she wanted some discretionary money that she didn't have to answer to you about. Having separate accounts is one way to deal with that. But if she made that decision unilaterally, that means your relationship dynamic is troubled.


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