# Undersexed Husband - Needing Outside Opinions



## HubbyAnon (Apr 11, 2012)

I am a male in my late 20's. I've been with my wife 10 years. We have 2 children currently and a third on the way.

For the first few years our sex was regular (2-3+ times/week). After baby #1 it became less regular (once a week or less) and this bothered me but our lives were busy and I guess I was ultimately satisfied with the frequency, although I would absolutely have sex multiple times per day if my wife was on board with that.

Fast forward to baby #2. My wife had PPD following childbirth, coupled with a slow recovery involving some back problems that were probably brought on by her trying to do too much, too soon after her c-section. We went through a rough year. In her opinion I was not supportive enough during her PPD. From my point of view, I simply was "supported out" - I had been extremely supportive, helping wherever possible for several months both physically and emotionally. I even hired help for the kids and some of the chores she was having a difficult time keeping up with (laundry). She was and is to this day a stay at home mom.

So after several months of giving it my all, I felt like nothing I could do would ever make her happy and decided that maybe tough love was what she needed. So I stopped with the constant babying of her. This is when I became unsupportive in her mind.... and she was right, I didn't want to be supportive anymore. She wasn't showing me any support, emotionally or physically. Everyone else in her life was growing tired of her constant pity party as well and began to distance themselves, including her mother and sister. We had many talks about her emotional state and she would constantly ask for my opinion of what should be done to remedy her broken psychy. I personally had no clue - so I gave her my opionion. I've never suffered from what I would call "depression". She asked about PPD medication and my "opinion" - to which I said, I personally would not take Anti-Depression meds, followed by my own personal reasons and life experiences I took from my mother and growing up while she was on anti-depression meds. My wife went the first few months without them and finally decided to take some anti-depressant medication after I stopped giving her the constant support and coddling she had become accustomed to.

Wouldn't you know it - she tried 2 kinds of anti-depression medication and like magic she claimed she was "feeling better". This is when she really started to resent me for giving her my opinions, which she had asked for. She blamed me for her pro-longed depression, stating that if I hadn't "told her not to" take anti-depression meds that she would have felt better much sooner. I never told her not to take them - the ball was always in her court. She told me that she felt like she couldn't rely on me as a result. This hurt - I've always been supportive, moreso than any husband I know personally. My friends give me flack constantly about how supportive I am with my wife and that their wives don't get nearly the attention or support that I give my wife. 

Months go by and she weens herself off of the medication - our sex was extremely irregular during this entire year. Call it depression, call it whatever - we had very little sex (monthly?).

I started earning her trust back - simply by continuing on being a great husband and father. I pride myself on these two things and it's easy because my kids and my wife are the most important parts of my life.

Sorry this is so long - I just wanted to make sure you guys have some background into our situation.

Following my wifes depression - our sex life picked up a little but was still not frequent enough to fill my sexual needs... perhaps 2-3 times per month.

This was unsatisfactory so we talked about it repeatedly for a couple months. She went off the pill as we thought that probably had a lot to do with it. Well... it helped a little, for awhile our sexual frequency was more regular (1/week).

But still - I had to initiate every sexual encounter. I began to fantasize about my wife just wanting to rip my clothes off, etc. I realized that I was unfulfilled. I was tired of feeling like I had to hound my wife for sex and I felt like it was a chore for her.

I am a very horny person - I always have been and there are no signs of that slowing down. I looked for ways to reduce my desire to have sex. Ultimately I decided that those remedies were out of the question and I began looking at internet porn and masturbating frequently without the knowledge of my wife. I would prefer to be having ANY KIND OF SEX, foreplay, whatever, over masturbating to random porn on the internet 10000% - and the internet porn exacerbated the problem for me because it made me realize that all of my dirty little fantasies that will never come true for me are a reality for many, if not most men.

I empathized w/ my wife and her lack of sex drive - and made it very clear how important sex is to me. I told her how it makes me feel closer to her physically, emotionally and spiritually. I told her how I need the affection to feel complete and capable. I told her that the lack of sex was having an impact of my self esteem.

I tried to compromise with her and asked that she consider "taking care of me" sexually more often because I AM in the mood even when she is not. She was NOT OPEN to foreplay alone initially. She would not even humor the though of giving me a blow job if it didn't include sex to finish the job. She thought it weird to simply perform oral on someone and let them enjoy it.

To enlighten her, I waited for the increasingly rare opportunity to have sex with my wife. I went down on her until she reached orgasm and then I laid with her and cuddled her - no penetration, I kept my clothes on. I did this to prove a point. It's fun to get sucked and licked even when sex does not follow - and it's okay for one partner to please the other without immediate reciprocation.

After repeating this act on several occasions, she opened up to the idea and gave me an occasional BJ. Occasional being about as often as you file your business taxes (quarterly, lol) - It helped still though and I was very appreciative. Still I nearly had to beg for it to receive it and she acted put out to have to do it. This made it less appealing but it still felt great to receive.

This brings us to today. My wife is now pregnant with our third child. In her first couple months she had increased desire - she even initiated sex a couple times , waking me from sleep to get at me. She said that sex dreams were what sparked her excitement those times. (she used to wake up for sex when i engaged, but has not in years. Now she'd roll over until she was off the bed to avoid waking up to have sex. Either she's a much harder sleeper now or she just isn't willing to wake up to give it to me, which I suspect is the correct answer.)

For the last month she's been completely uninterested in sex. She says she's just not in the mood. If it's at all late, she will say she's tired - but that's the same as not in the mood in my opinion. I've been being rejected for sex at an alarming rate for years now - and i've faced more sexual rejection than ever in the last two months.

She hates giving oral and would probably rather have her toenails ripped out than please me orally. Knowing this I talked her into giving me a handjob about a week ago, which was my first sexual contact with her in nearly 3 weeks. Now another week has gone by and she still has no sex drive.

The constant sexual rejection is taking its toll on me. I am starting to feel like a pervert. Out an about I have found myself wondering about nearly any woman I see sexually... you know just wondering what it would be like to be with that person sexually. My standards have become strikingly low... women that I would have viewed as unattractive a few years ago look amazing to me now. I don't feel inclined to cheat in the last bit - I'm just playing the "would you have sex w/ her" game in my head and the answer is almost always yes.

I don't want to be this person and I don't want to feel like a horny perv all the time. In addition about 6 months ago my wife caught me masturbating to internet porn. She was caught off guard by it, but after a long conversation she said that she really doesn't care if I "have my own thing going on". That it was fine with her - to me it's a testament to how unsexual she feels. She'd rather me be masturbating to other women on the internet than having real sex with her, my wife. I'd rather not masturbate at all, and didn't for many years because I was sexually fulfilled, or close to it at least.

Here are some further details to aid you in giving me your opinions.

1. Financially sound - no worries financially.

2. Attentive husband - date nights, foot rubs, massages, flowers, romance, slaps on the ass, affectionate touches, verbalizing of how incredibly beautiful I think she is and how great of a mother she is.

3. Setting the mood - I set the mood, get the kids to bed early, make sure chores are helped with. None of this makes any difference. She'd rather be watching recordings of the desparate housewives than make love to me no matter what I do during the day to ease her work load. Kids early to bed for her means she can fall asleep early or watch all her "shows". 

4. I don't want to leave my wife. I grew up in a divorced house and I don't want the same for my children. If I had to masturbate until my children were grown and out of the house, I would. I cannot and will not consider being a half-time dad. Separation is not an option.

5. I've thought long and hard about this topic for years now. I've read countless stories from other people. I am very introverted and always ask myself what could be wrong with ME first. I'm doing everything that your typical man hating feminist would encourage an undersexed husband to do short of breaking my own spine whilst bending backwards to make her feel sexy, loved and appreciated.

6. I've kept in shape. I'm in better physical and hygienic shape than I was during our sexual peak as a couple.

7. She is currently pregnant - and I'm giving her a lot of leeway because of this, but I still feel rejected and that she is not attracted to me, which is a huge blow to my ego and self-esteem. She doesn't get aroused by seeing me naked, or by romance. Her dream date would be a romantic evening followed by watching reality TV and falling to sleep while I cuddle her.

8. I have tried to cut her off from physical affection. It's really difficult for me and I always end up failing and/or asking for sex somehow. I feel like she'd never come on to me if I didn't engage her. I have always touched her frequently (massages, shoulder rubs, a kiss on the cheek or neck, a sneaky hand slide up her thigh in public when nobody can see... I'm a freak inside and my sexual curiosities are never-ending. I could experiment with sex in different ways and positions for 10 lifetimes. I love sex and all types of foreplay - both giving and receiving.

The last week has been really hard. I don't have the desire to masturbate as it does not really fulfill me like sex with another person does. It leaves me feeling dirty, and pathetic because I can't even have sex w/ my own wife.

Now lay it on me. I take criticism very well and won't be entirely surprised if the responses I receive are overwhelmingly critical of me. I can handle it - I'm just out of ideas and I need help or I risk spending a large chunk of my life sexually and therefor emotionally unfulfilled. It's not just sex as I've come to learn - as it has a huge impact on all parts of my life, for the better when I'm getting it, and for the worse when I'm not.

Thanks for reading and I am looking forward to your comments and opinions, for better or worse.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Not critical at all

Keep reading here. Many of us have a higher Drive than our wives and are constantly frustrated by this.

However, your still young and you need to work through this sometime after the baby is born. You need to help her as much as you can over the next year and then start to work on this issue

Good luck!


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

I've got a drive very similar to yours and my wife has a comparable or lower sex drive than your wife (though now we have sex more frequently). A few things that helped us start (and things we are still doing) to turn things around (not that we are remotely close to "fixed"):

1. My wife needed to educate herself to understand how important sex is to a man. She really didn't have a clue for the first 10-12 years of our marriage and even still she's amazed at times.

2. I needed to come to the place where I knew, and she knew, that even if we never had sex again I would still love her. My wife really needed to feel that. Now I'm no saint, I do get frustrated at times and my normal response these days is to "walk the dog" even if the poor dog has already had 1-2 long walks that day. 

3. We each wrote down all the things we have a problem with in our marriage (both large and small issues). We then sat down and read each of them individually trying to remain calm and non-defensive. Just writing out all that bothered us was very helpful for us both.

4. This last week we started seeing a sex therapist. You may want to wait until after the baby, but it may help.


----------



## hldnhope (Apr 10, 2012)

Sounds VERY similar to my situation...looking for some more feedback.

I bought the book: A Sex-Starved Marriage for BOTH of us to read and it was pretty enlightening, and I thought it would help me explain my sexual stance in our relationship and just how important it was.


----------



## didadi (Mar 12, 2012)

DItto here as regards to frequency. But, unfortunately we have one kid, almost 1 yr old now.! and even previously we have had some issues related to frequency. Quality is good,but not stellar. This whole ordeal of having a healthy lifestyle, finances, kid etc is taking a toll on me. Not sure where the right direction is,but I'm giving sometime. Meantime, wifey is busy in search of jobs to make the matters more difficult. To her earning some $ is #1 priority now and sex are not in her list. Baby comes close 2nd,but as of today - getting a job.


----------

