# Polygraph - Pro's Cons's ???



## tofuhater (Jul 10, 2011)

So being new to site and reading a couple of threads I became very excited to know that I am not alone in feeling some of the things I have endured. Sometimes the emotions get so mixed up that I don't even know what I am feeling. Most often - vast nothingness !

So, my question is : What issues might I face by asking my wife to take polygraph ???

Background: Married now for 24 years. Have 2 kids, 11 yo and a 15 yo old boys who were 1 & 5 when my wife confessed due to years of guilt that she had an affair a few months before our wedding with a Dr. she worked with, and another within a year after we were married with another Dr. she worked with.

I had no clue, absolutely none, of the affairs which she effectively covered for 14-15 years. Both were physical & emotional with physical aspect lasting only about a month each with her quitting them due to guilt. Wife has history of difficulty communicating her feelings. In fact a lot of people say we are the opposite of most couples where its usually the man that has trouble discussing emotions etc... 

My problem is that her issues with communication are still present. I simply don't trust her now or even my own ability to recognize whether or not she is cheating. She says she is not and has not ever cheated other than these 2 times. But after hearing about what others call trickle truth - I am acutely aware that she could be and I would never know ! Never !!!- I have accepted her way of communicating and I truly don't beleive she is physically or mentally capable of improving how she communicates. - So, I am seemingly triggered into wondering if something is going on whenever she expresses herself or behaves in a rather odd manner or has difficulty communicating something. 

I can think of times retrospectively when things have occurred like guys calling for her in the middle of the night. Turns out that there was another woman with exact same name at a local college that did not have a phone # listed so if someone called 411 and asked for ____ they would get our #). Made sense at the time but now I wonder. 

Many things she says she cannot remember about the affairs because of the time frame of when they occurred and when se eventually told me. It eats at me all of the time !

Would a polygraph help ?? -- has too much time elapsed ?? what if she really can't remember details - would it show up as a lie because she is nervous as she really might not remember ? Is it possible to forget such details after 23-25 years ? I remember most of my liasons (before we married and dated) but i really hadnt had that many.

Have I just lost my mind for thinking of this for 10 years ????


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

If it is still a source of contention with you after 10yrs that you feel she needs a polygraph....you and your W need to have a major talk. I'd say you two might just want to get some MC.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lea2407 (Jul 14, 2011)

Trust is one of the biggest must haves in my relationship. No matter how much I love my husband, I honestly can't imagine staying with him if I found out he had an affair.

However, I realize that there are tons of people that are able to get past this in their marriages. I'm sure it take a lot of time and effort on both parties, but it does happen.

Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like you have gotten past it. I don't agree with affairs in any way, and again I don't think I would make the choice to work through it since I know my trust in my husband would be shattered, but you made the choice to stay with your wife knowing about her mistakes.

You've obviously been dealing with this for a long, long time, so I think it's fair to say that you're probably going to need some help to give over this. No matter what, at some point, you either have to stop dwelling on the past and move forward in your relationship with your wife or let go of the relationship.

This distrust and suspicion will eat away at your marriage until there's nothing left. So, I would definitely suggest that you get help from a counselor if you want to save your marriage.


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## tofuhater (Jul 10, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> If it is still a source of contention with you after 10yrs that you feel she needs a polygraph....you and your W need to have a major talk. I'd say you two might just want to get some MC.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


not trying to be a smart aleck but if she was capable of having a major talk I wouldnt be on this forum ! -- MC helped us stay together but I have given up on it. It did help wit identfying issues - but even counselor pointed out she has difficulty expressing feelings and emotions. That hasnt changed and I dont think it ever will !


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## tofuhater (Jul 10, 2011)

Lea2407 - I understand and stayed because of kids - I know probably a bad reason but it made sense at the time. I lost my Mom about a week after finding out so I was pretty devastated from all angles. 
I used to think like you did - that I could never live with a cheater - but I really do think even though the kids have suffered from us not having a healthy relationship they are better off than if we'd divorced. That is the primary reason I stayed. 
The primary issue is that I dont trust her - and we communicate so drastically differently that I can't interpret what she is really saying. She has a flat affect and uses odd syntax and tone inflection in her voice. Very hard to discern if she happy sad etc... from simply listening to her and cannot read facial expresion at all. I am just the opposite and my entire career in sales is based on communication - listening to verbal and anyalyzing non verbal communications. I think she is perfectly capable of hiding another affair should she choose to to. I would never know. I am not sure if I can take it much longer. Do you think individual conseling for me would help ? She is not capable of changing communication style.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Pros - you find out the entire truth down to the knitty gritty stuff

Cons - you find out the entire truth down to the knitty gritty stuff


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