# Is surviving the best I can do?



## landgazr (Sep 30, 2011)

Hello all. Posting partially to ask for advice, and partially for just people to talk to.

It has been a few weeks since my wife said there was no chance of us getting back together and that she felt she had to split from me - permanently. I still don’t fully understand the reasons why. The reasons that she gave me were all small, fixable things. The only reason I have left is that she said she fell out of love with me and she gave up too much of her independence. I got the feeling that she was boxed in and wanted to have more freedom over her life and surroundings. We were married for 5 years.

When I posted this a few months back, when we were just separated, members on the board tried to convince me she was cheating and I wouldn’t put it past her. But she has denied it time and again, although, through a mutual friend on FB, I found something she posted to some other guy’s wall saying she thought he was real good looking and wanted to “connect.” I called my soon-to-be-ex and told her how used and thrown away I felt so soon after she said it was over. She contended it was a joke because he initially approached her and said he knew her and so she tried to “bait” him, but for all I know she is lying. She has mysteriously “lost” items that I’d like back as well but that I know she wants.

Regardless, some nights I end up crying. I’m still in love with this woman even though she’s not in love with me. We had a kid together, and I’m having to keep up a house all on my own.

The advice I’ve tended to see on the boards is to do things that make myself feel good about myself. Indulge in things that make me feel accomplished, outgoing. To not stew and curl up in a ball. Lately all I’ve been doing is trying to survive. It is still so raw. But that isn’t the right thing to do is it? I mean, it will be work to fight the urge to basically sulk and do the healthy thing, right?

Also, I keep trying, through mutual friends, to see what she is doing on FB. It is like I have to know what is going on in her life. If she is happier, if she is seeing someone else. It is this obsession I have and it doesn’t feel healthy. Has anyone here ever felt that obsession before? If your spouse basically left you, to want to know everything that they are doing in their life without you? What kinds of fun things they are doing, people they are talking to, etc. How can you get to a point where you don’t care?

I found out through her FB that she’s going to Burning Man next year. She is a hippie at heart, and I wanted to go to that festival with her and to experience something that meant a lot to her. We were going to go together. It just hurts so much and want to know the best way to deal with this pain - is the best I can do just survive?


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Sorry you are feeling down.

You need to stay off of FB for a while. It's not doing you any good, and you already know that. The obsession you are feeling is normal. You care, but you have to let go and focus on you - not her. She is focusing on herself. You need to do the same. Otherwise, she is going to move on and heal much quicker than you, and that will hurt you even more. Don't let that happen.

Find things you have been wanting to do or try over the years, but put the marriage first instead. Occupy your mind with things for YOU. Get outdoors and do something. Go drive a race car at Richard Petty driving school, anything. I know it's easier said than done, and that nothing looks or sound interesting right now. But just take that first step by starting something, and the rest will follow naturally. 

I have not been in your shoes. But I know the obsession feeling all too well.


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## Again71 (Mar 31, 2011)

landgazr said:


> It is like I have to know what is going on in her life. If she is happier, if she is seeing someone else. It is this obsession I have and it doesn’t feel healthy. Has anyone here ever felt that obsession before? If your spouse basically left you, to want to know everything that they are doing in their life without you? What kinds of fun things they are doing, people they are talking to, etc. How can you get to a point where you don’t care?



This is EXACTLY how I feel! This is my biggest issue right now also.

I posted a similar question not too far down from this post. Check out some of the responses I got. The people here have so many words of encouragement.


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## landgazr (Sep 30, 2011)

Again71: "Hold onto what you did have, and focus on what you do have, and move towards what you will have."

That's a good quote.


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## Marty1138 (Dec 13, 2011)

I'm going through a separated right now and possible divorce about 6 weeks in so far but my wife has basically told me she doesn't love me, wants the divorce and to sell the house and is seeing someone else so after the ton of bricks hit and I went through all the I can't live emotions I finally thought to hell with this crap, she knows I love her and there is a door open for her to come home and we will work things out but....

Starting a week ago I have done a 180 and limited contact and joined 2 dating sites considering she is seeing someone else! Damned if I'm going to be a door mat for her, I'm worth more than she is worth fighting for right now so to hell with it. Already met a nice lady which if this comes to a divorce I am ready to move on so gain the confidence I say by reading The Magic Of Making Up excellent resource and start dating, already my ex is wondering about the change in me and what I am doing these days...

Never give in yes its hard and very tough especially at the beginning but no woman wants a weak, needy door mat as their husband become strong, improve yourself mentally and image wise, become more attractive to her and other women and that alone will boost your confidence and likewise be more attractive to your ex. 

Good luck mate and I for one highly recommend the above book its still early days for me but acting like I agree with her decision and doing stuff for myself I see it starting to hit home with my ex. Only time will tell for me I guess.


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## KatiezMomma (Nov 17, 2011)

I have the same issue but its about my STBXH. He and his lady have to real thing about FB and are posting stuff all the time (she has blocked me but others can see her) and I am so curious about whats happening. Its sick actually, I hate that I want to know but I still do. Of course I am still living with my ex until the place I am moving is ready so it hurts more than it should. I love that man with everything that I am but he fell out of love and found the new love of his life, I am still picking up the pieces. So sucks but as they say, this too shall pass.


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## cyan (Dec 4, 2011)

Oh gawd... it's so f'ing hard to let go when it's not what you want. I feel your pain and know what you're going through. I think crawling under the covers and hiding, sulking, checking on your former spouse, etc. is okay behavior -- for a while. But, the checking up thing only makes things worse (for me at least) so I encourage you to not do it. 

It really sucks, letting go...


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## hurtingsobad (Oct 29, 2011)

Stay off FB! This is counter productive to you healing. Ask yourselves this question.....

Does she/he care what you are doing atm? If not, then show them the same. 

Do the 180! ZERO CONTACT, including FB!

The OM/OW is a bi product of the relationship problems. I told my STBXW that I will take 50% responsibility for our marriage problems, but she can take 100% responsibility for her affair. 
Can't understand why she didn't like hearing that?!

Time heals....start exercising at the gym, hang out with friends, but NO NEW RELATIONSHIPS! You will rubber band, and it's not fair for the next person you have a "date" with. Take some time for yourself!


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## xxPsychoKatxx (Dec 6, 2011)

i am going through this exact same thing at the moment also, its been almost 3 months since my ex left me with an i dont love you anymore and im still so in love with him and it drove me mad and he started seeing another girl who is separated from her husband with 2 kids, so i was very upset about that but oh well its gotten better with time and ive finally stopped wondering or looking for what hes doing and we have become friends because of our son but i wont and dont want to keep in touch with him anymore, its just hard because from when i wake up till i go to sleep i think of him all the time. 
i wish i knew when this would end for me also.


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