# Birth day dinner with the ex..... WHAT?!?!?!



## Movingon_ (Feb 13, 2013)

We have been divorced for over a year. She had an affair. I know in my heart of hearts I pushed her into it. I do not condone what she did, but I had a lot to do with it. We were high school sweet hearts, together for 22 yrs, married for 15. The last few years of our marriage I went into coast mode. Got way too comfortable and looking back, I realize I did not put the work needed to keep the marriage strong. I never cheated, abused or drank, nothing like that, just took everything for granted. She re-entered the work force after years of being a stay at home and met some MARRIED smooth talking d-bag and bought everything he was selling. 

Now here is my problem. We are and have been on pretty good terms since the divorce. She knows she is wrong for the affair and I know I am wrong for all I didn't do that I should have. I think she truly fell in love with this guy and probably still has strong feelings for him to this day. After I contacted his wife shortly after my divorce, he left my ex high and dry and tried to get back with his wife. His wife ended up kicking him to the curb though. ( she already knew about the affair before I contacted her, in fact she had MANY more details than I did. She was trying to get a hold of me as well. So I do not feel that me contacting her was what broke up thier family and for that I am glad ) Since she kicked him out, I think he and my ex have been an off again on again thing.

But like clock work since the divorce, my ex will come to me with tears in her eyes saying how depressed she is, how much she misses me and our family, we have two awesome kids. She has done this at least 2 or 3 times a month. I know she wishes she would have worked harder on our marriage before divorce. just to give you an idea of her antics - Back in July she found the key to my house in the flower garden and let herself in at 2 in the morn and crawled in bed with me. She was bawling her eyes out saying she was not good, she was not going to make "this", whatever this is??? I took the kids camping on Labor day last year. She drove over two hours uninvited to join us in hopes that I did not tell her to get her azz back in the car and hit the road. Begged me to spend Christmas day at her house with her and the kids. But after all of this, each time she would go cold as if she was doing fine....

So, to my real problem.... Her birthday is March 15th. We have been taliking a LITTLE the past week or so about going out to dinner to just talk. More about the past than the future. It was my idea at first but I called it off at the last minute. We were texting last night and she said hey I do not have any plans on my Birthday. What do you say we and the kids go out to dinner, we drop the kids off at lazer tag and you and I talk for an hour. I said an hour would not be long enough, why don't we get sitters and that way we can talk with no time line or presure of the kids needing our attention. She replies - How about this, we take the kids to dinner, drop them off at your neighbors and we talk for a while at your house, that way I can be home early. So after a few more texts she says okay, lets just you and I go to dinner, get kids a sitter and you and I can talk during and after dinner but when I say I want to go home, you have to respect that. I have not replied back yet. 

Not sure why she is so dead set on being home early. She swears she does not have plans latter that night but she just does not like to be out late. She was always like that to a point, but 9:30??? It's almost as if she really does not want to do this. Am I looking too deep into that? 

So, if I do agree to this how should I plan it? Is this something I need to plan to the T and try and make it one of the best nights ever? What I would really like to do is get a hotel, not for sex, but so we can talk as late as we want and go to sleep in seprate beds. This might be too much for our first talk, maybe this needs to be baby steps. Not sure if I should get her a birthday card or not, maybe a rose? A gift? What is not enough and what is too much? 

I am not sure what we are really there to talk about. I do not know if she just wants closure, wants to talk about our future or maybe nothing at all. Maybe her lover is busy the 15th and she just does not want to be alone on her birthday. I myself am not sure that I want to R with her. I just don't know. But no matter what, I want to leave that night with her thinking I am one hell of a guy but I do not want to over do it and look desperate or foolish. Any suggestions on how to do this? Whether she wants me back or not I want to ride off in the sunset leaving one hell of an impression on her.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

Tell her you will take her out to dinner with the kids and right after dinner the kids and you will drop her off immediately after. Tell her that there is no need to talk about anything that evening. 

I like how you admit that her having an affair is partly your doing. Not too many men will accept that. I never could but only recently, I realized, that had I been a better man maybe my wife leaving me might have never happened. 

I find it strange how your wife seems to want to reconcile, visits unexpectedly and is very emotional, but yet goes cold on you.


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## Mtts (Apr 16, 2012)

It's because like he metinoned, she's liking still semi-involved with either the AP or another relationship. So she's conflicted on her concern for the EX while being out with others. It's a weird post-cake eating situation you got going there. 

I'd not do dinner, but that's just me. I'd probably find it more damaging than anything.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

I don't know if there is harm in dinner. At least let her talk and maybe you can get some insight. You are divorced so I don't see a problem there.

However, do not have dinner with her AND the kids; not in this context. Not like it is family time. The mixed signals these kids are getting right now are bad enough. Additionally, if she wants to talk I'd make some other arrangements; don't give them any impression that you are going out on a date with mommy (which is what they might interpret dinner alone with her). You can have dinner with her but I don't think the kids need to know exactly what you are doing.


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