# Feeling trapped (by my own doing)



## milano (Jul 25, 2010)

I have been married for 3 years, recently moved to our first house and have a 3 month old baby boy.

Leading up to this point I resisted every step of the way but went ahead anyway under pressure from my wife/gf at the time. It ate me up inside and I have been seeing a therapist for a few years but still went ahead with these moves despite my body telling me I was not ready.

I think I am seeing clearly now and I fully realize that I simply cannot be happy with her despite all efforts. Now that I have dug myself such a big hole I don't know how to get out of it. 

My goal is to finally allow myself to be happy but I need to make sure I am taking my babies best interests to heart. I feel it's too early to leave as it is very difficult right now especially since my wife feels he is slow or perhaps developmentally challenged.

I feel like I am going crazy. I need to give love to someone and I feel so depressed because I can't release it. It's obvious I am not able to give to my wife.

I don't know what to expect by posting this but open to any insight others may have.


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## Kaye (Jul 13, 2010)

milano said:


> It's obvious I am not able to give to my wife.


Any reasons for this?

If I'm correctly reading what you wrote, it sounds like you only married your wife because you felt pressured by her into doing so. Was there really nothing else to it? If that was the case though, then it sounds like you did you, your wife and your child a great disservice. 

Any other information you can share to help us get a handle on what's happening?


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## milano (Jul 25, 2010)

My wife and I met 10 years ago and we saw each other for about 1.5 years before she ended it. Although I was not happy in our relationship and wanted to end it back then I couldn't do it. At the time I had a hard time reconciling my lack of feeling love like I had before with the many great things going for her. I couldn't end it with her which I attributed to my feeling bad for her because I felt she was quite dependent on me emotionally at the time. Nevertheless, after I went away for 6 weeks by myself she ended it shortly after I cam back. I was devastated and begged for her to come back. She didn't. I essentially tried to move on but was stuck on her still for more than 1.5 years before she decided to come back. 

When she came back to me it was a shock and I had great reservations even though it was what I supposedly wanted. My stomach was in a constant sinking feeling for months while together. I blamed myself a lot for the first try going bad so I made every effort to make it work even allowing her to walk over me at times. A year into it she wanted to get engaged but I was not seeing it because of how often and how badly we were fighting. Instead of being a man and saying I don't see it happening I said "not now, let's wait another 6 months" and kept repeating this for a couple of years. Eventually, my mother had cancer come back and became very ill and eventually passed away. Before she passed away my wife gave me an ultimatum on getting engaged because my mother became very sick I had delayed the decision once more. While my mother was sick my wife was away at grad school and became very needy and upset that I no longer was giving her attention. One time, while speaking to my mother on the phone I realized her mind was going and it devastated me. I was obviously saddened and (after her knowing what happened) my wife would look at me and ask me why I am looking so sad/down and then asked if I'm expecting sympathy from her. I obviously blew up at her but to this day I can't believe I let her stay in my life and I think this is what actually broke my back finally. I've tried but I can't seem to let that go. Unfortunately, that was 4.5 years ago.

Since then, I was so down after my mother passed away I capitulated to getting engaged with the hope that things would get better, we would fight less, etc and of course to buy some more time. Unfortunately, things did not get better and I did not feel any closer to her. Throughout I have alway fantasized about meeting someone else that would allow me to feel the way I know I should feel about someone. A year and a bit later we got married and I was forcing myself forward. I had dreams of being strangled at the wedding by her father and uncle (I told her about this a few months before the wedding) for not being able to go through with it. I did not enjoy getting married and suffered through it. That was 3 years ago.

I was suffering through being married, we fought a lot, almost broke up numerous time throughout the relationship including the marriage. A year into the marriage she wanted to have kids. I resisted, at one point she walked away and said she wanted to separate because I was not ready for kids. I ended up breaking down and pulling her back and promising her to do it. The second she was back I was again blocked. In fact, I couldn't perform with her in the bedroom since the topic of having kids came up. Talk about psychosomatic. A year ago we went away for a week on vacation and she insisted to start trying for kids. I resisted again and eventually agreed very reluctantly as she threatened to not go on the trip. I thought the chances were small it would happen so quick (I thought I was smart by purging a few hours before the deed) and it would give me some more time to think (like more time was what I needed!). In fact, I needed some medicinal help to perform (I'm relatively young with no physical issues), that's how scared I was of the concept of having a child with her.

Alas, a week after we came back (and only two tries!) we found out she was pregnant. I was devastated as just the night before I realized that this was really not going to work.

Now I have a 3 month old baby boy and I am the saddest person I know. I should be happy about all these life moments and I've made them hell on earth. I find it very hard to live every moment and it seems to be only getting harder. This is what I mean when I say it's my own doing. I had so many chances to avoid this and I took the short term easier route of not having to deal with my insecurity of being alone, etc.

I also have some blame for my therapist who I think enabled me to keep going thinking that perhaps I could come to terms with my situation and that my path is my path, etc. I feel like an idiot and I'm not sure I will ever be able to forgive myself.

So did I do a disservice? Absolutely. I think thats being very polite.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It doesn't sound like either one of you particularly likes the other. And she gets what she wants by coercion and extortion. I don't usually advise divorce, but you two don't seem very well matched. She deserves a husband who cares about her, too.


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## milano (Jul 25, 2010)

I have never been strong enough to actually leave and now its obviously the hardest time.

My considerations are related to the best interests of my son at this point, the effect it could have on my wife and indirectly back on him.

Does anyone know of any good resources to read about separation and divorce re ways to go about it in a constructive (oxymoron I know) manner? I have not decided to do this, I am just seeing no other way out of my misery right now.


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## Kaye (Jul 13, 2010)

I'm not sure of any good resources out there, but hopefully someone will chime in with a good book or two for you to read.

Okay, you've been miserable for a long time. Yes, you could have done things better and you've made some big mistakes, but hey, we're generally all guilty of that (your wife included by the sounds of it). 

Reading through your original post again and your most recent one, it sounds like your primary concern is for the well-being of your son and how this situation is going to effect his development. I'm not a parent myself, but I would imagine that the best way you could care for your son is to make sure you are healthy and happy first. In that way, you'll have the internal resources available to you to be the best father that you can be. If that involves leaving what seems to be a toxic relationship, then so be it.

Good luck, milano.


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## milano (Jul 25, 2010)

Thanks Kaye.

I'm wondering if anyone else has any insight?


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## lolam (Sep 11, 2010)

Hi milano, I am wondering how things have worked out for you. Do you want to share.


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