# Near ready to give up



## TN129 (May 13, 2016)

Been married to my wife for almost 6 years, we have a 4 year old son, we have had ups and downs as every couple does. My wife has stated on multiple occasions that if i don't want another child that she will leave me. I've thought long and hard about having another child, call me selfish or whatever but I don't want another. I love my son so much but I don't want another baby taking away my attention for him, as well we could not afford a second at this time.

This ultimatum of hers is weighing heavy on me, i've been dreaming the past several nights of leaving or divorce in one way or another and these dreams are always me and her. I feel like my heart and my subconscience is telling me what i need to do. I'm not even 30 yet, i am not one to just quit on anything but I don't want to throw my life away dedicated to her if she is going to hold this against me forever.

has anyone ever been in a simliar situation? what happened? Will a split hurt my son's growth and well being (this is my BIGGEST fear, i don't want to harm his outlook on life).


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yes, a split will hurt your son WAY more than having a sibling will. My H wanted only one child because he, too, thought he only wanted to give HER all his attention - and it had to be a girl. If we had had a boy first, he would have tried again (we used withdrawal method for contraception). But we had a girl. So he stopped 'not' withdrawing and we never had another kid. 

I was too weak and stupid back then to make a demand like your wife did, but I hate myself all the time for not doing so. It KILLS me that I never got another child. 

Our DD25 is both glad AND sad that that she's an only child. Childhood was full of a LOT of drama because she was an only child (friend issues, etc.) and she's never had a really close relationship with anybody like she would have, had she had a sibling. In other words, she's all alone in a sense.

So both DD25 and I have suffered because I abided with his wish for only one child.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

TN129 said:


> Been married to my wife for almost 6 years, we have a 4 year old son, we have had ups and downs as every couple does. My wife has stated on multiple occasions that if i don't want another child that she will leave me. I've thought long and hard about having another child, call me selfish or whatever but I don't want another. I love my son so much but I don't want another baby taking away my attention for him, as well we could not afford a second at this time.
> 
> This ultimatum of hers is weighing heavy on me, i've been dreaming the past several nights of leaving or divorce in one way or another and these dreams are always me and her. I feel like my heart and my subconscience is telling me what i need to do. I'm not even 30 yet, i am not one to just quit on anything but I don't want to throw my life away dedicated to her if she is going to hold this against me forever.
> 
> has anyone ever been in a simliar situation? what happened? Will a split hurt my son's growth and well being (this is my BIGGEST fear, i don't want to harm his outlook on life).


Only have a child (or another child) if you're in a happy marriage.

You're not in a happy marriage. So don't do it.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

TN129 said:


> Been married to my wife for almost 6 years, we have a 4 year old son, we have had ups and downs as every couple does. My wife has stated on multiple occasions that if i don't want another child that she will leave me. I've thought long and hard about having another child, call me selfish or whatever but I don't want another. I love my son so much but I don't want another baby taking away my attention for him, as well we could not afford a second at this time.
> 
> This ultimatum of hers is weighing heavy on me, i've been dreaming the past several nights of leaving or divorce in one way or another and these dreams are always me and her. I feel like my heart and my subconscience is telling me what i need to do. I'm not even 30 yet, i am not one to just quit on anything but I don't want to throw my life away dedicated to her if she is going to hold this against me forever.


The subconscious is programming. This programming did not give you the will and knowledge necessary to overcome this hurdle. You are left with emotional impulses - impulses that guide you one way or another. From my perspective, what feels right is pretty often wrong.



> has anyone ever been in a simliar situation? what happened? Will a split hurt my son's growth and well being (this is my BIGGEST fear, i don't want to harm his outlook on life).


I think you should analyze this scenario. Remove the feeling from it from a moment. What are the facts? Consider what her ultimatum means for her and your child. What does the ultimatum mean if it is taken literally?

Individuals give ultimatums and they don't expect or want the person on the receiving end to say "okay." It is almost always a negotiating tool. Analogously, it is the buyer bidding lower than they really are willing to spend and the seller listing the item at a higher price than they will take. 

Your wife wants another child and this ultimatum is just a tool to get that end. The advice I offer is to take the ultimatum seriously and not seriously at the same time. You need to just let her talk. Your job is to only listen and encourage her to speak. What she says is not to be challenged, only understood. 

If/when she throws the ultimatum out, just say (with compassion)

"So you feel that you will end this relationship, If I do not agree to have a second child? Is that correct?"

From here it can go a lot of ways, but usually the person will become very frustrated and attempt to start an argument or walk away. You will know an incredible amount of information by how she reacts to your two questions.

If she gives a simple "yes", then just say "I understand."

When you do this, you place the full weight of those words on her shoulders. After all, we are responsible for everything we do. Interestingly, individuals do things like this and try to offload the burden onto others. When you reciprocate with any negative emotion, the weight of her words decreases. Her behavior persists, along with the conflict.

Along with this, just try to understand how she feels. Don't interpret her thoughts and feelings as you would. Try to understand them exactly as she does and feel exactly what she does. This is a disagreement that, if handled well, can create further relational intimacy, rather than destroying it. With acceptance and understanding, you can make it through just fine. What I often tell others is to just try to write a book on your partner. Don't argue or beat down her opinion and feelings, even if you are hurt by them. If she feels heard and validated, you can connect with her and then have the heart-to-heart that is necessary and would be more effective to resolve the differences. Be curious, compassionate, empathetic, sympathetic, accepting and understanding.


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## TN129 (May 13, 2016)

Thank you everyone for your input, its a very complicated situation; further complicated that she refuses to see a counselor together. It just hurts the most that she doesn't trust me and i've never given her a reason not to. She is constantly trolling my online presence on twitter, linkedin, ect and monitoring my cell phone call logs (as well as all screen notifications while my phone is locked (due to work it must be password protected but she knows the password to this and my laptop). Just so many things are piled up in my head and I have no friends or anyone to turn to.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

see you are seeing her as some sort of enemy... you may not feel you have given her reason to distrust you, but maybe your refusal to have another kid makes her think something is up and is checking to verify because maybe the marital agreement was one or two kids and you decided without making it a mutual decision togetehr. If you dont want another baby you owe it to her to be honest NOW. But if you want a marriage there is give and take her, maybe if you hear her out you could give a little.... Trust me, few ever say they should never have chosen to have another kid. You fall in love with the next one, just like with the first. But this is something either YOU decide and suffer the consequences, or you talk MUTUALLY with your wife and hear her out adn come to a decision TOGETHER. 

Often times when a spouse says they have no one to talk to they are forgetting to talk to the most obvious person...your spouse.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

If your wife wants another child and you are absolutely certain that you do not, are you willing to let her go so that she can have time to remarry and give your son some siblings? Because we women do have that pesky biological clock ticking away. It does take time to finalize a divorce, find a new mate, marry, conceive, give birth, recover, and perhaps conceive again.

Really think about it before you decide. The above scenario, your wife remarrying, sharing her life and her bed with another man, having a child or two with him, that's likely to be the result if you divorce.


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

What will hurt your son the most is living in an unhappy environment...regardless of who's actually living there with him.

So, since that is your stated concern. you should do everything possible to avoid unhappiness.

The obvious aide to that is therapy for the two of you, so you can be with a neutral party who can help both of you come to terms with the differences not only in expectations, but also the way you both go about persuading the other to accept them.


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## Archangel2 (Sep 25, 2014)

TN - As a father of 3, I never found it difficult to spread my love over 3 kids instead of 1. You do love them all equally. Besides, there was a 4-1/2 year gap between #1 and #2 (she had a miscarriage in between). I always thought my oldest was a bit lonely with not having a sibling to play with.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

TN129 said:


> Been married to my wife for almost 6 years, we have a 4 year old son, we have had ups and downs as every couple does. My wife has stated on multiple occasions that if i don't want another child that she will leave me. I've thought long and hard about having another child, call me selfish or whatever but I don't want another. I love my son so much but I don't want another baby taking away my attention for him, as well we could not afford a second at this time.


This is truly sad. Did she only marry you to have children?? Did the two of you discuss your family goals before you married, as in did you agree to two or more and now you have changed your mind? Or had you always planned on one and now SHE changed HER mind? What is the real reason you don't want another child?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

TN129 said:


> Just so many things are piled up in my head and I have no friends or anyone to turn to.


Well, that's a real problem, isn't it?

Why DON'T you have any friends? That is not a healthy situation. Everyone should have friends outside the marriage. Your spouse will meet your most important Emotional Needs, but you must also have a balance in your life, wherein you have other people in your life with whom you spend time and get nurturing from and advice from and see outside perspectives from. 

I have a quick and easy book for you to read. It's called Hold On To Your N.U.T.s. It will explain to you that your family is paramount, BUT you must find a balance with other things in your life, or else you can't give your spouse the right love and attention.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I second that book.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I'm an only child and so is my son. I loved being the only one and never wanted siblings. When my son was little, he once wondered why he didn't have an older brother like his best friend did but that was the extent of talk about a sibling. 

Like T, my then-husband only wanted one child (the difference is, unlike T, I only wanted one child too). My husband wanted a son and refused to consider names for a daughter. I was glad we had a boy because otherwise he would have wanted to try again and, for him, I would have. I did accidentally get pregnant a couple of years later, and accepted that I was going to have another child, although I wasn't thrilled as I was with my first pregnancy, but I had an early miscarriage. After that, I had my tubes tied. 

My ex-husband and I didn't agree about many things but we did agree we only wanted one child and I'm thankful we did. Because otherwise someone "loses" and there can be long-term resentment. Sure, the person who "loses" may get over it eventually but very often they don't. That's the problem with compromising on something as life-changing -- and important -- as a child.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

You didn't really state any definitive reason you don't want another child. Yes, you can't afford it right now, but your wife didn't say right now. Your first born will most likely appreciate having a sibling, and it will teach him valuable life lessons. Though there are certain perks to being an only child.

If you divorce, you're teaching your son (among other things) that a man's word can be dissolved when it's no longer convenient for it to be kept. You swore that you would love your wife through better and worse. You keeping your marriage vow will teach your son that what's right comes before what we want, or what's easiest for us.

But, it's clear that your marriage needs work. I would sit down with your wife, and have a deep conversation with her. Talk about the state of your marriage, and ask her if there is anything you could be doing to make her life better (hopefully she asks in return given time). Then, if after considering the matter, and if you're willing to have another child, I would consent to her wishes, with the provision that your next child enter the picture when your marriage and finances are in a better place.


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## TN129 (May 13, 2016)

Thank you again everyone for your response. I will try and answer everyone's questions but i'm bound to miss some.

When we got married neither of us wanted children but we both grew and agreed we wanted a small family. I don't want another child period, at this point my son is potty trained and we can start doing activities with him we used to do before his birth; camping trips, boating, ect. Having another child to me takes us back to doing nothing but caring for a baby. And yes we cannot afford another child at this time. Day care costs are insane here; my wife works but there is not much of a cash surplus at the end of each month once bills and necessities are covered. This really bothers me; I am very successful and work hard every day and yet we cannot afford the luxuries we should be able to. I have so much anxiety when it comes to pay days because each check never seems like enough.

I feel that my wife doesn't understand the value of a dollar, she feels that she needs new clothes all the time, needs to have her nails done, and buys $60 shampoo. While i'm left in the position without any money to buy things that I appreciate or enjoy. (i'm to scared to bring up separate checking accounts).

She has been demanding a second child for around 2 years; so in her eyes its not "when we can afford it" but "everyone finds a way" which i disagree with. 

I wish I had friends, but i just don't know how to meet people; it was so much different and easier in college. Then it also becomes the issue where I know sharing my time with friends will put her in a pissy/jealous mood. Along with all our other problems she is bipolor; it is a constant struggle. I am so burnt out from working to provide for our family, keeping up on the house work, caring for my son, and caring for her that i have no time/energy left for myself. Sure, she has friends she goes out with for girl nights; but on the nights that I have to work late or stop for a drink on the way home with a co-worker she puts up walls and tries to criminalize my actions.

There are 2 other wedges splitting us apart. One is that she is currently getting her associates, but now 2 months from finishing and racking up thousands in debt she doesn't want to get a job on the field and is talking about going onto another school and adding even more debt for a different focus. Second is that her father passed away over a year ago. Their family house was left to the kids; right now the closest one of them lives from the house is a 5 hour drive - we are a 17 hour drive away. She wants to keep the house for a "vacation" house. Which means paying monthly utilities on it, paying insurance and upkeep, ect for a house we may go to once a year for a week (even this is a stretch though). And it won't be a vacation, it will be fixing everything thats broke - how relaxing!

Thanks again everyone, I can't explain how much I appreciate everyone's words.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you considered saying no, you will NOT agree to her going to another school?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Have you ever involved your wife in the family finances? $60 for a bottle of shampoo is nuts! She must think money literally grows on trees. You need separate checking accounts because she has no idea how to budget or save.


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## TN129 (May 13, 2016)

turnera2 said:


> Have you considered saying no, you will NOT agree to her going to another school?


yes i've told her no and that i don't agree with it due to the finances and finishing a degree she isn't even going to use but then she accusing me of not supporting her


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## TN129 (May 13, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> Have you ever involved your wife in the family finances? $60 for a bottle of shampoo is nuts! She must think money literally grows on trees. You need separate checking accounts because she has no idea how to budget or save.


yes, she handles the finances unfortunately; so any time i question or suggest changes she takes it as an attack on her abilities


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

TN129 said:


> yes i've told her no and that i don't agree with it due to the finances and finishing a degree she isn't even going to use but then she accusing me of not supporting her


So?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

TN129 said:


> yes, she handles the finances unfortunately; so any time i question or suggest changes she takes it as an attack on her abilities


So?


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