# The "work wife"



## jaxx3303 (Oct 7, 2013)

Hi, I'm new to this site and need some advise. I might be over reacting or just over thinking this whole situation, so advise/words of wisdom would be appreciated 

Me and my hubby have known each other for over 10 years. Dating for 6 and married for 2 (in 2 weeks time). 

His work has always been a bit of an issue but not a mountain - if you know what I mean. He works odd hours, travels allot and it has always seemed that he puts his work in front of everything else. Including our relationship (never mind me).

The past couple of months (about 6) he has really been getting involved with his "team" at work. They have a group chat on his mobile and it never stops pinging with messages. They aren’t just work related either. 

I found a picture of on of the team member or his "work wife" on his phone pulling down her pants to expose her tan lines. 

I thought nothing of it as they joke around allot with each other but its started to bother me. I asked him about it and he said out right that what he discusses with his "team" has nothing to do with me. "why do you want to be part of it?" and that I don’t understand the contexts it was sent in either. 

My question is this. Where do you draw the line when it comes to work colleagues and what they share?

I know that people spend 70% of their day at work and that they share allot, but what goes on under someone else’s clothes has nothing to do with my husband and vice versa?

I might be wrong and seeing this for something its not. I just don’t appreciate her doing things like that and him not sharing things like that with me..

Thanks


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

This behavior right here would send me packing. I've been cheated on before by my ex h. This is definitely signs of cheating. He's crossing the boundaries. Your h will do his best to downplay the situation and argue that you are wrong and just jealous. His behavior is completely unacceptable.

Try finding out more before you confront, go through his cell, history computer, email, wallet, car, put a key logger on the computer, var in the car, ect.. You have your work cut out. Don't let him suspect your doing this either.

Personally I wouldn't even begin to search, I'd pack up and leave. Many many affairs occur at the workplace.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

> His behavior is completely unacceptable.


Yes. He needs to see that this is hurting his wife and to stop.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

jaxx3303 said:


> I found a picture of on of the team member or his "work wife" on his phone pulling down her pants to expose her tan lines.
> 
> I thought nothing of it as they joke around allot with each other but its started to bother me. I asked him about it and he said out right that what he discusses with his "team" has nothing to do with me.


I think that is boundary crossing when a woman is showing her tan lines to a married man. Also you said they joke a lot, but sometimes there are hidden meanings in "jokes." For him to say it has nothing to do with you, was disrespectful, not just to you as a wife but to the marriage as a whole. It has everything to do with you, because you have a right to know whats going on and he is trying to justify things. 

As far as what to do, I'm not real sure. His words to you about a woman's pic, has taken priority over his priority to your feelings. That should speak volumes.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

jaxx3303 said:


> He works odd hours, travels allot and it has always seemed that he puts his work in front of everything else. Including our relationship (never mind me).
> 
> The past couple of months (about 6) he has really been getting involved with his "team" at work. They have a group chat on his mobile and it never stops pinging with messages. *They aren’t just work related either.*


Let's ignore the picture of her pulling down her pants for him for a sec (that photo had NOTHING to do with tan lines). 

HE has limited time for you because he works a lot, yet he continues to put ADDITIONAL time into his work friends when he is spending what little quality time you two get together. That alone needs to be addressed.

Now. About the sexting. Next time one of these little chat sessions starts going on, tell him this is your TOGETHER time so you want to get in on the fun as well. Tell him you want to see the chat. Then report back as to how that goes.

Remember that scene from "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" where Spicoli orders a pizza while sitting in Mr. Hand's class? And he forces Spicoli to share the pizza with the others? Because it was "our time" not "my time".

But MAINLY remember that he shared the pizza when it happened THAT TIME. He didn't say "next time". You know why? Because there wouldn't BE a next time because Spicoli would have known not to push a boundary. Point would NOT have been made.

He shows you that chat session NOW or you walk. If you don;t get serious and stand your ground, he just finds another outlet to communicate with his girlfriend...er...uh...work colleague.


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## gloriagloria (Aug 14, 2013)

I feel kinda dumb responding, since I am brand new at this and have my own relationship struggles. But I read a TAM post that said we should try and respond, too ---so here is my (amateur) .02!

Answer to your question: 
Developing friendships with coworkers is natural (and can be beneficial to the work), but IMO, boundaries for a married/attached person should be different from those of a single person. 

When I was single, I talked with a group of my coworkers about all kinds of things, some are guys. We never exchanged tan-line photos, but the conversation was often...in that vein, if you know what I mean. Now that I'm in a relationship, I would feel wrong discussing certain things with them.
I'd also feel wrong being someone's 'work wife' now. 
Even if I didn't think it would lead to trouble on my end, my SO does not know these people or their intentions, and it could make him worry or be upset. 
And weighing that against the very small benefit of having a 'work husband'...well, it's just not worth it.

Discussing this part with your guy may be a good starting point:


jaxx3303 said:


> I found a picture of on of the team member or his "work wife" on his phone pulling down her pants to expose her tan lines.


because I think almost anyone can see that this crosses a line of good judgment at least, so it will be easier to explain.
Ask him to consider how he'd feel if you were sending pictures that showed tan lines to a male friend, or if you were referring to some man in one of your circles as a "surrogate" husband, and spending lots of time socializing w/ him.

I'm learning that sometimes we are really blind to what we're doing to the other person, and we do things that we'd not be cool with at all if the tables were turned. IMO, it's useful to try and see the other person's perspective. 

And maybe if that discussion goes well, you will have a foundation to talk about this: 


jaxx3303 said:


> t has always seemed that he puts his work in front of everything else. Including our relationship (never mind me).


which, to me, seems like a root problem that would be worth trying to figure out.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

He has crossed the line big time. You need to get the book "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass. Will be a big eye opener for you.

Your H is most likely having at least an EA with this woman, perhaps more. Time for you to act is NOW.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Completely unacceptable.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I have tried to be open minded in an earlier life.

But these days, the use of expressions like Work Wife and Work Husband are serious red flags. 

If your spouse is using one of those for a coworker, it means that they are embarking on an inappropriate, or worse, relationship.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Never liked the whole work wife, work husband concept. Goes completely against what marriage is supposed to be. Even the term is degrading to the actual spouse.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

This is a perfect example of how affairs start in the workplace, for every
"it has nothing to do with You" line or "it's none of your concern, it's work related" ...while they bury themselves in their phone...is a STAB at the transparency that SHOULD be between 2 who have taken vows to each other... Not acceptable as I would bet the "work wife"s husband , too, has little clue she is goofing off flirting & showing her tan lines in photo form..... 



> *Jaxx3303 said* : My question is this. Where do you draw the line when it comes to work colleagues and what they share?


I feel a couple should share ALL...  a willing giving Transparency ...as when a couple LIVES LIKE THIS....shares like this....they won't be acting LIKE THAT at work ... but it's a lifestyle... something that needed understood more so before marriage even...as many people do not believe they need to tell their spouses all the "JUICE" at work....which can leave the door open to many slippery slopes down the line...
Good article here > http://talkaboutmarriage.com/articles/993-sex-lies-secrets-secrecy-destroying-your-marriage.html


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

This is so incredibly unacceptable and it's made even more unacceptable by his sh***y response to you when you questioned him.

DH and I have a rule.We can talk about our lives and marriage to coworkers as long as we speak positively about our spouse. No b*tching to coworkers about each other and no commiserating when coworkers of the opposite sex complain about their marriages.No texting or emailing with coworkers of the opposite sex unless it's work related. We have trust for each other but we are grown up enough to understand that slippery slope.
This is something we both feel very strongly about.We have full transparency about every thing and it makes us feel closer.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Some line are being seriously crossed.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"Where do you draw the line when it comes to work colleagues and what they share?"

At asking to see tan lines.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> "Where do you draw the line when it comes to work colleagues and what they share?"
> 
> At asking to see tan lines.


QFT

How about at if you wouldn't do it in front of your spouses you've crossed the line.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Try finding out more before you confront, go through his cell, history computer, email, wallet, car, put a key logger on the computer, var in the car, ect.. You have your work cut out. Don't let him suspect your doing this either.


Good grief, glad I am not married to you. You sound like the NSA. Do you really think this sort of thing is healthy in a relationship?


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

A few things I'm not clear on: (1) does he call her his "work wife" or is that what you term her? (2) is he talking to HER all the time or to the group all the time? (3) Was the "tan lines" pic sent to him alone or to the group?


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Ask your husband how he would feel if you went sent a picture of yourself with your pants pulled down showing your tan lines to your co workers? Ask him if he would approve of such a thing. Bet you red apple that he would not be a happy camper. 

Question. Was she at least wearing underwear?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

jaxx, save the photo. You may want to show it to this woman's "work father."


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

John Lee said:


> Good grief, glad I am not married to you. You sound like the NSA. Do you really think this sort of thing is healthy in a relationship?


Yes, it's a great thing we are not married. I'm married to the love of my life and my best friend. I don't look through his things since there's nothing he's done to betray my trust. 

My ex h had several affairs on me. It took a lot of courage to trust my husband, but my h is the only one I truly trust.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Long hours, travel for work and "team building" sessions are a nightmare for the partner of the person doing it. 

If you H is away from you as much as you claim then there is a discussion to be had. Phone off!. Many people who work these hours find that they are in a trap scenario. They have to do the work and pout in the long hours to keep the job and status. The manageers know this and if they are not in relationships or are ina relationship that tolerates these escapades then in their mid so does everyone. 

In my live I have alsoways allowed my personal and business phone to be open for my W to see whats happening. Not because Im concerned that shes fretting about me but because then she can see and to a degree experiece some of the issues Ive had to deal with in "our time". I would frequently get the "not again" loom from her as the phone pinged. But when it started Id make a short smat call back and state Im busy with my family and I cannot reply here after. Id had the phone to my W and ask her to shut it down and place it in her safe (handbag). 
When your H makes comments that you cannot read what his team members are saying then unless its for national security all bets are off. 
The "tan agate". Out and out NO!. It is not acceptable in any professional business for this type of communication to take place. Its over steps boundries of relationships and also contracts of employment. I guess as suggested if youve kept a shot of this picture then maybe your H's boss or his work-wifes boss would be a little concerned that their business was supporting such activity. 
In my experience a good HR manager would be looking for some dismissal notices if this behaviour, which in theory "brings the good name of the company in to disrepute", come to their attention. 

His actions are certainly beyond those acceptable in a relationship. If he cannot see this then he is perhaps further into this work wife than he pretends. Further to this the use of Work Husband or Work Wife is a serious issue. If you are married then their is ONLY one of these. The term is one that is coined by others you work with when they see the relationship developing under their noses and they cannot state the obvious activities but the label says it all.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Yes, it's a great thing we are not married. I'm married to the love of my life and my best friend. I don't look through his things since there's nothing he's done to betray my trust.
> 
> My ex h had several affairs on me. It took a lot of courage to trust my husband, but my h is the only one I truly trust.


It just seems like once you go the kind of extreme spying route you're talking about, you're already giving up on the relationship and just looking for evidence (for divorce court or whatever, I don't know). If that's all you're looking for, then ok. But if you have so little trust in him that you feel the need to track the car, put a keylogger on his computer etc. then I say the relationship is already doomed at that point.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Well that's sexual harassment if it was at work, talk about unprofessional. Marriage wise he has no boundaries. You can dig deeper to see if they are cheating or draw the line right here.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If it makes you uncomfortable, it at least needs to be addressed seriously. It may be innocent, but he is not respectful of your concerns - and that may be the much bigger issue than pictures of a colleague's tan lines. 

However, there are boundaries that need to be respected in a work environment if only for legal and ethical reasons, and those are being stretched or perhaps broken, which can create liabilities for the company.

Those are not your concern directly, but if your husband is crossing those boundaries it can affect his career, which does affect you. Anyway, the real issue here is his callous dismissal of your concerns. I think you need to confront him calmly and insist that he deal with them.


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