# What to do?



## brownie (Jul 28, 2009)

Okay, this could be long but I value opinions from anyone willing to bear it with me.

Married almost 11 years, been together almost 20 years.

My husband has built a wall between us and refuses to let it down. 

When we met almost 20 years ago, I was 19 and a sophomore in college, he was 20. I was not expecting a relationship and really thought it would just be another guy. About one week before I realized he was the one (we had known each other for 3 weeks at this point), I had sex with another guy (hadn't yet had sex with my now husband). He asked me if I did and I lied because I knew it would be over if I told the truth. Every couple of years, he would ask again and I continued to deny it. Well, almost 7 years ago, I was tired of lying and when he asked, I told the truth. Since then, things have been so difficult. I was pregnant with my youngest son at the time, so he has never even seen his parents truly happy together.

Trying to right my wrongs, I told him everything about everything in my past and instead of helping, it has made it worse. He has gotten paternity tests for both the boys (haven't slept with another man in almost 20 years, of course they're yours!!), says that if the root is wrong, the fruit is wrong, has threatened to leave and now has an apt. application on the kitchen counter for the last two weeks, even took the boys with him to pick it up (they told me on the way home one day when we passed the buildings). He didn't tell them why they were there.

His issues aren't based solely on what happened, he believes that I actually have cheated on him while we were dating and says that he cannot trust me. We don't talk unless it is about the kids. 

We were planning to sale our house and buy a new one a few months ago and on the day we were going to make the offer, he said he wouldn't sign a piece of paper to buy another house with someone who lies to him in his face. He told me that I knew what I needed to do to get it. In his mind, that means tell the truth, but I already am and have been!

I asked him on Friday night to just tell me if he is going to leave or stay. I told him that if he leaves, he is leaving based on something that is totally untrue, that I just need some peace for myself and the boys. He said that we can't discuss this or any topic because we no longer have that type of relationship. Has made it clear that he is only around because of the boys.

Now, I am completely overwhelmed with grief, fear, anger, and sadness that I don't know what to do or where to turn. I have thought about putting the house up for sale (he said he would sign sale papers) and buy what I can afford by myself for me and the boys, but part of me thinks that is wrong. I never married him thinking that it would end before one of us passed. 

When the boys asked me if we were going to get the house, I told them that we couldn't and to ask their father. They said that he told them we could get the house if we wanted. I was honest and said that he meant we could get the house for the 3 of us and that he would live somewhere else. I told them that I love their father very much but that he is unhappy with me because I lied to him and he won't forgive me for it. I told them that I would be honest if this turns into anything more than what it is today (my oldest is almost 9, youngest just turned 6).

THis stress makes it hard to be the best me, the best mom I can be. I am so fearful of making the wrong move. I am not religious, but spiritual and am trying very hard to put it in God's hands and know that all will work out in the end. 

What to do? THank you for reading this.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Bless your heart. This makes no sence. You only knew each other three weeks and he thinks it's his business that you did something before it was "serious". Okay...you messed up....and you lied about it. 

I don't think it's worth losing a marriage and destroying two small children over. I mean.....has he never told you a lie ever in his life?

Doesn't make sence to me......and why did he keep asking you about it for so many years? Maybe he just needs to leave you and find out that he is completely over reacting.....that is just how it sounds to me.

Wish I could be of more help...but keep letting God have control. I hope it all works out for you.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

I think your husband has some BIG issues around jealousy, control, self-esteem, etc. Unfortunately, the chances of him recognizing the fact he has issues are very slim, especially with him being so emotionally charged at the moment.

BTW, please don't do this: "When the boys asked me if we were going to get the house, I told them that we couldn't and to ask their father."

My hopefully soon-to-be-ex says stuff like this to the kids and it's so wrong and unfair. We shouldn't bounce our kids around like that.

You may want to seek the advice of a counselor - either a family counselor or a divorce counselor. Or possibly a psychiatrist if you want to try to understand where your hubby is coming from. Just don't do anything from an emotional standpoint. Make sure you think it through.


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## brownie (Jul 28, 2009)

D8zed~ thanks for your response. You are right about not doing that to the boys. In hindsight, I wish I would have done it differently. 

He told them once a few years ago that he was leaving and my oldest has never forgotten it. Just woke up one morning, had dreamed I had been with one of his friends, said he knew the dream was true, and announced to me that he was going to move out that weekend. Then less than half an hour later told our oldest son that he was leaving. Of course, through the course of the day, he changes his mind. I was so mad that he involved the poor kid when he didn't have to. 

My oldest is now almost 9 and still brings it up sometimes. I have told them that I will be honest and that I won't lie to him about any decisions that his father and I make about staying together or not.


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