# Ex wife and step children: Did this cross the line?



## Randi (Dec 23, 2008)

My husband and I have been married for 15 years and it's both our second marriage. He and his first wife had been divorced for about 20 years when I met him so I had nothing to do with the break up. They had 7 kids together, who are now all adults, married with children. At first there was very little contact with the ex because she lived in another state, but moved back to our area about 6 years ago. My husband and his ex wife "burried the hatchet " and we participated in many family events where she was also present. She and I actually developed a friendship. She took sick a while back and went down hill fast. All the children were called to her bedside for the final moments. My husband called to say he was going to support the kids. He asked if I wanted to go, but I felt it was inappropriate and I would not be comfortable. He went and stayed until the end. Next day I was shocked when he announced he was going to the funeral director with the "kids" to help plan the funeral etc. I thought this was unnecessary and "over the top". I ended up in an argument with him about it, and he went anyway. I suspect they wanted him to chip in with some or all of the payment. Anyway, the following day, I went with him to the funeral and reception after. I noticed his sons were very cool towards me. As it turns out, he told them I didn't want him to go to support them and made me look like a wicked witch. I felt like the "outcast of Polker Flats" but tried to act gracious and cordial. Now I feel he has damaged the already strained relationship I have with the step kids. I also feel he went too far, since when members if my family passed away(my mother), I had to go to the funeral director alone to make arrangements etc. His kids are all grown ups and not little children. I feel very hurt. Am I right or just being a witch?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

My vote is that you were out of line. It almost sounds like you're jealous of the attention being provided to his late exwife.

Once she was buried it would have been a rapidly fading distant memory. What harm could come of him helping his children bury their mother?


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## Pitbull5555 (May 26, 2013)

Since everyone had been cordial, it is MY OPINION that it was poor judgment on your part to get into it with your husband about his participation with the funeral planning. Maybe you should have kept that to yourself. HOWEVER ... it was definitely wrong of your husband to talk to his kids about the disagreement between the two of you. That was private and he should have kept that information confidential. He went anyway, so there was really no need for him to reveal your private conversation to his kids.

If I were you, I wouldn't get into it with him about this breach of confidentiality because ... he will tell his kids about that too! Just let it go so that everyone can get back on an even keel.

In the future, however, if you and your husband have any conversations that you suspect he might discuss with his kids, you need to tell him that the conversation is private and confidential between the two of you ONLY and that you do not expect it to go any further than the two of you and ask him to respect your marital confidentiality.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Huh?!

I guess no good deed goes unpunished here. Most second wives would have zero to do with an ex-wife so the fact there was this much friendship inclusive of joint outings is way more facilitating than the norm.

To expect you be involved in funeral planning, as if attending the funeral itself was not enough. Sheesh.

Supporting the kids? Oh what great manipulative language for "planning the ex-wife's funeral".


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

I think i'd feel upset if he took over the planning himself. But imho he was just there for his kids, its always tough knowing how to be supportive in a situation like that. They're his kids, they are in pain, it doesn't matter how old they are, pain is pain. Whats he supposed to say, sorry your big kids now, deal with it yourselves?

I do agree he should NOT have disclosed to his kids your opinions thou. Its an emotional time, none of us are perfect, he might be a little overwhelmed dealing with 7 children is distress. Much less grandkids prob involved?


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## Randi (Dec 23, 2008)

It looks like most of you think I was wrong. I felt that staying with them (the kids)at he hospital all day and night, and attending the wake, funersl, and reception was giving quite a bit if support and attending the funersl director meeting was over the top. Plus he was mad at me because I didn't go to the hospital to wait for the end. I felt that would have been inappropriate. If I were dying I certainly wouldn't want my ex and his wife standing vigil in spite of the kids. Plus, I strongly suspect he paid for it, which was a bit much.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I think the money aspect of it is part of the problem --if he paid for it. Funerals can be very expensive. Perhaps you didn't feel that was his place. And perhaps he wasn't thrilled at paying. But if he did, for his children, then you need to let it go. It's done. And he absolutely should not have discussed your conversation with them. So you both get some of the blame in this.


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## Pitbull5555 (May 26, 2013)

We don't know if he paid for it or not. Why don't you ask him? If what he did was "a bit much" - he was wrong and you are right - then why are you asking us what we think? It doesn't really matter what we think! :slap:


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## Randi (Dec 23, 2008)

I have asked him, but he doesn't answer me which is why I strongly suspect that he helped financially. I'm asking for advice because I feel hurt and confused. It's a very unusual and emotionally charged issue. I was hoping to get some insight into how other people deal with this type of situation and how much participation a person should have with the passing of an ex. I know I wouldn't want my ex at my deathbed or his wife but that's because he was abusive. I was looking for some helpful insight, but maybe I came to the wrong place.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I am assuming his ex never remarried because you don't mention anything about her "current husband."

If my grown daughters wanted me to help make arrangements to bury their Father, I would & my current husband would not get mad about it. He wouldn't go to the "arrangement meetings" but we wouldn't fight over it.

If his adult sons wanted him to help with the arrangements to bury their Mother, his ex-wife, I actually would go with him if he wanted me to.

By your own admission, this woman was your friend. I think you should have graciously supported your husband & your step-children during this sad time but that's just me probably projecting what I would have done.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Randi said:


> My husband and I have been married for 15 years and it's both our second marriage. He and his first wife had been divorced for about 20 years when I met him so I had nothing to do with the break up. They had 7 kids together, who are now all adults, married with children. At first there was very little contact with the ex because she lived in another state, but moved back to our area about 6 years ago. My husband and his ex wife "burried the hatchet " and we participated in many family events where she was also present. She and I actually developed a friendship. She took sick a while back and went down hill fast. All the children were called to her bedside for the final moments. My husband called to say he was going to support the kids. He asked if I wanted to go, but I felt it was inappropriate and I would not be comfortable. He went and stayed until the end. Next day I was shocked when he announced he was going to the funeral director with the "kids" to help plan the funeral etc. I thought this was unnecessary and "over the top". I ended up in an argument with him about it, and he went anyway. I suspect they wanted him to chip in with some or all of the payment. Anyway, the following day, I went with him to the funeral and reception after. I noticed his sons were very cool towards me. As it turns out, he told them I didn't want him to go to support them and made me look like a wicked witch. I felt like the "outcast of Polker Flats" but tried to act gracious and cordial. Now I feel he has damaged the already strained relationship I have with the step kids. I also feel he went too far, since when members if my family passed away(my mother), I had to go to the funeral director alone to make arrangements etc. His kids are all grown ups and not little children. I feel very hurt. Am I right or just being a witch?


First, you went too far by not wanting him to be there to support the kids.

Second, he went too far in what he said to them. He should had covered for you. 

You need to apologize to him and he needs to make it right with the kids.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Randi said:


> I have asked him, but he doesn't answer me which is why I strongly suspect that he helped financially. I'm asking for advice because I feel hurt and confused. It's a very unusual and emotionally charged issue. I was hoping to get some insight into how other people deal with this type of situation and how much participation a person should have with the passing of an ex. I know I wouldn't want my ex at my deathbed or his wife but that's because he was abusive. I was looking for some helpful insight, but maybe I came to the wrong place.


If he won't answer then, yes, you have your answer about the finances. In any event, he should absolutely not have discussed your conversation with his children.

I think you've gotten a great deal of helpful insight but maybe you were just looking for someone to agree with you. In that case, a public forum of strangers might not be the best place. A sympathetic friend might be better.


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## psychedelicately (Jun 11, 2013)

He cares about his kids, their mother just died. Of course he will do everything he can to help. I don't understand why that would be a problem for you. 

He definitely should not have told the kids anything. He's obviously resentful towards you and that is how he's showing it. 

Talk to him.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Having been in a similar situation I say you were way out of line and have caused yourself this problem.

My mum passed away a few years back, siblings and I are all adults with children. Mum and dad had been divorced for 30 plus years. 
My dad was an enormous support to me and my siblings. We only have two parents, one had died and the other was there to support us.
My parents divorced each other, they did not stop supporting the children they had together.

Someone's parent died, sorry but you are the bottom of the pecking order in this situation. And if your husband help his kids out financially then what is the big deal? Surely most parents are their to help their kids out especially during one of life's most difficult events, the loss of a parent.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

In your situation, I would have let my husband take all the time that he needed. The ex is deadd so it's not like this will be happening again. It would have put you in a positive light to have been supportive if even from afar as I can understand your not wanting to keep an overnight vigil yourself.

Regarding who paid for the funeral, had you been more supportive, he might have been more open about whether he intended to pay for the funeral. You might have even been able to influence him by suggesting that he should only pay a portion of the cost; that maybe the cost could have come out of her estate once settled; or be offset by any regular amounts of money that he might give his children. In any case, I hope that his paying for the funeral does not cause any financial hardships between the two of you.

Sorry, this opinion is ex post facto, but maybe it will helpful for someone else. 

Perhaps you can shore up things now by asking whether she had a favourite charity and give some money in her name or since you had working / good relationship with the kids, ask if there is something that you can help with.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Randi,

Please take a moment of self reflection and intellectually challenge these thoughts. Your husbands kids mother passed away and he was being there for them. You should have supported him. If you were my step mom and you were the cause of my fathers decision to not be at my moms funeral because of some childish jealousy I would absolutely hate you. Think about it. Somebody died and this is when family needs to come together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Randi (Dec 23, 2008)

Dealing with ex wives and step children can be difficult and complicated. People who haven't been in the situation don't realize how hard it is to always do the right thing and be fair. Most of the people I know haven't ever had to deal with these situations. I wanted some feedback from people who may have had similar experiences. I have gotten a lot of insight on the matter. I projected my feelings about my ex husband into the situation. He did me wrong and I wouldn't want him there, so she wouldn't want the man there that did her wrong. I was looking at it from a different angle than most of you. Thanks for your responses.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Randi said:


> Dealing with ex wives and step children can be difficult and complicated. People who haven't been in the situation don't realize how hard it is to always do the right thing and be fair. Most of the people I know haven't ever had to deal with these situations. I wanted some feedback from people who may have had similar experiences. I have gotten a lot of insight on the matter. I projected my feelings about my ex husband into the situation. He did me wrong and I wouldn't want him there, so she wouldn't want the man there that did her wrong. I was looking at it from a different angle than most of you. Thanks for your responses.


I understand. Both my hb and I are on our second marriage and we both have kids. I get along great with his ex as well. I get why he would've been at the hospital for the end but I also get how it makes you feel like his loyalties are not with you but with her, it creates very conflicting feelings for site. I sure as h$ll don't want my ex there for me at the end and we get along fine. I'm troubled that he would demand that you be there, he should've understood that it might be awkward for you, and I'm extremely troubled that he ratted you out to the kids. I would not let that go, ask him what he hoped to accomplish with that. They are hurting from the loss of their mother and they don't understand anything about your situation, so it was really quite selfish of him to do that to them as well. They didn't need more drama. You were more than accommodating while she was here. Tell him to fix this with his kids because he created it and you're not going to be where you're not treated decently. This didn't have anything to do with then and they're ill equipped to understand. You're right, if you haven't dealt with exes and kids you don't know what you're talking about.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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