# Can cheating be prevented?



## 30Mom (Jan 21, 2012)

Can cheating be prevented? Is it preventable? Thanks.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yes it is preventable if both parties work towards preventing it.

Take a look at the links in my signature block below under building a passionate marriage. They are basically about affair proofing a marriage as well.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yep.

You can do many things to help you and your spouse not cheat:

1. Set boundaries regarding other people/friends.
2. Don't go to different-sex friends for advice/comfort.
3. Don't say anything to a friend of opposite sex that you wouldn't say to/around your mate.
4. If you feel those twinges of "twitterpation" with someone, cut the friendship.
5. Don't put yourself in situations where emotions can run high. IE: alone with a "good friend" of the opposite sex.
6. No matter WHAT issues you are having with your mate, never ever ever never EVER say one bad word about your marriage/mate to someone of opposite sex. 
7. For support, if you can't go to your mate, go to someone of same sex/family.
8. When upset about/with mate, remind yourself of 3 good things about your mate. This will remind you that the issue at hand can be helped.
9. Don't text/email/contact a friend of opposite sex frequently. There's really no reason. If you DO contact frequently, don't hide it from your spouse. If you find you ARE hiding it, drop the friend and tell mate.
10. Spend time with mate. Good times without discussing relationship. Just have fun and laugh and have GOOD SEX frequently.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Yeah, it's called saying "No".


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

yes as long as the moral compass is not out of whack!


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Come on lets be honest---If someone wants to cheat they are gonna cheat. 

There are things a spouse can do, to try to keep cheating from happening---and that includes the whole range of anything and everything, and it also depends upon many factors such as how spouses treat each other, whether there is communication, how long have the parties been married---boring etc.--It even includes, times prior to being married---such as did a spouse get all the single life out of their system---did they miss having single/dating/sowing their wild oats experiences, --Emergencies, finances---EVERYTHING AFFECTS HOW SPOUSES PERCIEVE THEIR MGE., and whether they need something else to gratify themselves.---Some do it just for the he*l of it.

But if we are truly honest here---No you cannot prevent someone from cheating.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Yep.
> 
> You can do many things to help you and your spouse not cheat:
> 
> ...


This, this and this.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

jnj express said:


> Come on lets be honest---If someone wants to cheat they are gonna cheat.


I agree here.



jnj express said:


> There are things a spouse can do, to try to keep cheating from happening---and that includes the whole range of anything and everything, and it also depends upon many factors such as how spouses treat each other, whether there is communication, how long have the parties been married---boring etc.


How these two things go together? I tend to partially disagree.



jnj express said:


> --It even includes, times prior to being married---such as did a spouse get all the single life out of their system---did they miss having single/dating/sowing their wild oats experiences, --Emergencies, finances---EVERYTHING AFFECTS HOW SPOUSES PERCIEVE THEIR MGE., and whether they need something else to gratify themselves.---Some do it just for the he*l of it.


Cheating, in my opinion, is linked to vulnerability, exposure, and commitment of the spouse.



jnj express said:


> But if we are truly honest here---No you cannot prevent someone from cheating.


I agree again, here.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

In my opinion, you can't prevent cheating because if someone wants to cheat then they will.

You can certainly prevent yourself from cheating, but as far as I'm concerned you can't really control someone else. :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> In my opinion, you can't prevent cheating because if someone wants to cheat then they will.
> 
> You can certainly prevent yourself from cheating, but as far as I'm concerned you can't really control someone else. :/
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But a couple working together can make it much less likely that either of them will cheat. That's the point.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> But a couple working together can make it much less likely that either of them will cheat. That's the point.


:agree:

When most people get married, the subject of cheating and marital boundaries is hardly ever brought up. Naturally, the relationship is still new and that subject is the not even on their minds. Most people love and trust their spouse implicitly, and always assume that their spouse will always be faithful, thus no discussion about having boundaries, etc. It seems only when an incident occurs like infidelity that people suddenly find the need to start protecting the marriage. Its only when it happens to you that you can understand the need to help prevent affairs. 

The rest of society sees the list like what that_girl made as jealous and controlling. Which is why I think western society overlooks infidelity and blames the victim (BS) for the WS straying from the marriage. The whole "you drove them to cheat", "you wife/husband wouldn't have cheated if you were meeting their needs", etc makes me want to vomit.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DesperateHeart (Dec 20, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> :agree:
> 
> When most people get married, the subject of cheating and marital boundaries is hardly ever brought up. Naturally, the relationship is still new and that subject is the not even on their minds. Most people love and trust their spouse implicitly, and always assume that their spouse will always be faithful, thus no discussion about having boundaries, etc. It seems only when an incident occurs like infidelity that people suddenly find the need to start protecting the marriage. * Its only when it happens to you that you can understand the need to help prevent affairs.
> *
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

It takes two to work on a marriage but I believe most newlyweds don't view their marriage as something to be worked at. To them, marriage is the goal, not the journey.


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## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

I only cheated once. It was a long time ago, when I was 19 with an ex girlfriend who I was just not in love with and who's jealousy and insecurity prompted her to constant drama and fighting. She also liked to try and make me jealous by telling me about other guys interested in her. And she always portrayed herself as the victim. 

I suppose I resented her for that. 

She never found out about the cheating and the relationship didn't last much longer as it exploded.

Since then, I have never felt compelled to cheat but end the relationships if they are just not working out.

I now consider cheating a character flaw and a sign of lack of integrity.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My list would only be thought of as controlling and jealousy by people who don't want to make those commitments to their mates.

If you are serious about marriage, my list isn't bad at all. It just sets boundaries that a couple can agree on.


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## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> In my opinion, you can't prevent cheating because if someone wants to cheat then they will.
> 
> You can certainly prevent yourself from cheating, but as far as I'm concerned you can't really control someone else. :/
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, you can't stop a person from cheating. That's obvious.
You can, however, work to create a relationship that is significantly less vulnerable to the temptations that lead cheating. Even then, of course, nothing is 100 percent certain. But people tend not to cheat when in strong, healthy, loving relationships in which their emotional, mental and physical needs are being met.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

FrankKissel said:


> No, you can't stop a person from cheating. That's obvious.
> You can, however, work to create a relationship that is significantly less vulnerable to the temptations that lead cheating. Even then, of course, nothing is 100 percent certain. But people tend not to cheat when in strong, healthy, loving relationships in which their emotional, mental and physical needs are being met.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

And BOTH acknowledging that even happy spouses can fall into an affair IF they are not constantly vigilant in observing *marital boundaries* such as the ones that_girl spelled out in her post.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

morituri said:


> And BOTH acknowledging that even happy spouses can fall into an affair IF they are not constantly vigilant in observing *marital boundaries* such as the ones that_girl spelled out in her post.


:iagree:

Its a common myth that infidelity only happens in troubled marriages. 

The common belief nowadays is that if the wife cheats, its because the husband has been a lousy husband and not meeting her needs. If the husband cheats, its because he's a dog.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Not really. IF the husband cheats, it's because the wife is probably not puttin' out for some reason like, "I'm not in the mood"....for 4 years.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Not really. IF the husband cheats, it's because the wife is probably not puttin' out for some reason like, "I'm not in the mood"....for 4 years.


That's the excuse he gives the OW.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Perhaps. but many times it's true.

Doesn't make cheating all right though.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> The common belief nowadays is that if the wife cheats, its because the husband has been a lousy husband and not meeting her needs.*If the husband cheats, its because he's a dog*.


Indeed. Sex is treated as though it was an animal issue not worthy of any consideration as the other 'emotional needs'. The dismissive people don't realize that it is not so much the lack of sex that is the issue but what is behind it, lack of caring. How often has a husband (or wife) had sex with an AP who was way inferior in all aspects to their LS (BS)? Quite enough.

I'm not in any way shape or form excusing the above - THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR AN AFFAIR. But if the people who push the 'emotional needs' wish to be honest with themselves and others, they should then consider sex as a worthy 'emotional need as well.


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## 30Mom (Jan 21, 2012)

Thanks everyone for the replies.

I'm just getting the typical response of "Well, he didn't do anything wrong." Then do I wait until he does something wrong, like get other women's numbers or cheat? 

I'm just wondering if there is anything that I can do to prevent my husband from cheating. My thing is that I like to set clear expectations about his and my behaviors. We don't have opposite gender friends. Things like that.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Oh, I though you were asking about your self, so no you can't pervent your H from cheating.

And this comes from a guy that takes the stance that in a relationship its all about me and what I except and tolorate and what I do to have a healthy relationship. 

As far as what my partner does well that is all on her and in how I meet her needs and the response I get from and the enjoyment I recieve in giving as much as I get, as I'm recieving my needs being met.

Bottom line in my world, is you can't prevent it but you can verify and have the right to verify if someone is being loyal or not, and the ability to protect your self from betrayal.


I gues I'm bad in the fact that i think trust is over rated and faith and having faith is were I'm at...but trust......I lost that when I found my wife cheating......I will never be the same!!!!!


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey 30mom-----give some info., and particulars on your situation, so we can give advice based on a fact situation---then you will get some specific help


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

30Mom said:


> Can cheating be prevented? Is it preventable? Thanks.


Sure it can be prevented.

Not putting down the concept of working on a relationship, because it should be worked on.

But not out of fear that someone will cheat. Nobody should have to bend over backwards to keep someone of questionable character from doing something they know they shouldn't do in the first place. I call it emotional extortion. "Do as I want, I I'll get my kicks elsewhere"

It takes two to make a relationship work, but if one has the mindset that if things don't go perfectly their way, and view it as an excuse to cheat, then they don't need to be in a relationship. Because NOBODY will meet all the needs of another. NO relationship is going to be perfect.


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## genkey7478 (Jan 23, 2012)

I cheated for one reason, and one reason alone: our sex life stunk. I travel a fair amount for my job (sales) and I had a 3-year affair with a former co-worker who also traveled, and who came to my city fairly frequently, and I went to hers. I also built up to this crazy climactic year in which I slept with three other co-workers. That all ended, but now it looks like I might be getting together with the three-year affair woman again. (She's also married). My marriage is otherwise fairly good. No money problems, she looks great, I keep in shape, kids are good...but she stinks in bed, and she always has. Now, it just doesn't happen. There's always a million reasons for it to not happen. And we fight about it. I can't believe she'd rather fight about it than actually do it! And my sexual skills must be half-decent, because all the women I slept with back during my out-of-control time came back for at least a second round. So ladies, you've got to provide that for your husband, because he's likely to stray otherwise.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

genkey7478 said:


> I cheated for one reason, and one reason alone: our sex life stunk. *I travel a fair amount for my job (sales) and I had a 3-year affair with a former co-worker who also traveled, and who came to my city fairly frequently, and I went to hers. I also built up to this crazy climactic year in which I slept with three other co-workers. That all ended, but now it looks like I might be getting together with the three-year affair woman again. (She's also married). *My marriage is otherwise fairly good. No money problems, she looks great, I keep in shape, kids are good...but she stinks in bed, and she always has. Now, it just doesn't happen. There's always a million reasons for it to not happen. And we fight about it. I can't believe she'd rather fight about it than actually do it!* And my sexual skills must be half-decent, because all the women I slept with back during my out-of-control time came back for at least a second round.* So ladies, you've got to provide that for your husband, because he's likely to stray otherwise.


THIS is the attitude that makes men seem like dogs.

I don't have sex with my husband because I don't want him to cheat. I have sex with him because he's beautifully amazing and sexy as hell. maybe she doesn't want to sleep with you because she knows you're banging everything in sight.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

genkey7478 said:


> I cheated for one reason, and one reason alone: our sex life stunk. I travel a fair amount for my job (sales) and I had a 3-year affair with a former co-worker who also traveled, and who came to my city fairly frequently, and I went to hers. I also built up to this crazy climactic year in which I slept with three other co-workers. That all ended, but now it looks like I might be getting together with the three-year affair woman again. (She's also married). My marriage is otherwise fairly good. No money problems, she looks great, I keep in shape, kids are good...but she stinks in bed, and she always has. Now, it just doesn't happen. There's always a million reasons for it to not happen. And we fight about it. I can't believe she'd rather fight about it than actually do it! And my sexual skills must be half-decent, because all the women I slept with back during my out-of-control time came back for at least a second round. So ladies, you've got to provide that for your husband, because he's likely to stray otherwise.


You should just divorce your wife; you're being extremely selfish, IMO.


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## genkey7478 (Jan 23, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> You should just divorce your wife; you're being extremely selfish, IMO.


Oh, I am being selfish. I'm not looking to be defended here. And she has no clue, none, that I'm doing this. There's no way she could ever sit on her doubts or worries, if she really thought I was fooling around. In fact, it would be over. 

But as far as me being selfish, what am I getting out of this? I provide well (which she sure as hell doesn't mind, the way she spends it), I've been a very devoted father, I'm not staggering home drunk, and I have no reason to expect her to meet me halfway in the bedroom?

By the way, I haven't been with another woman in about 4 1/2 years. But that streak is likely to end.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

30Mom said:


> Thanks everyone for the replies.
> 
> I'm just getting the typical response of "Well, he didn't do anything wrong." Then do I wait until he does something wrong, like get other women's numbers or cheat?
> 
> I'm just wondering if there is anything that I can do to prevent my husband from cheating. My thing is that I like to *set clear expectations* about his and my behaviors. We don't have opposite gender friends. Things like that.


I think you're on the right track with this. Don't wait until you're posting in CWI before you define the boundaries of your marriage.

The question I often wonder: *does this work?* Does setting boundaries *DISCOURAGE* people from cheating? For example, I never really know what an EA was before finding TAM; neither did my husband. When he described something that had happened in his first marriage, I told him it sounded an awful lot like he had had an affair. He denied it, saying it wasn't an affair because there had been no sex; he just wasn't really educated about the different types of infidelities out there.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

genkey7478 said:


> Oh, I am being selfish. I'm not looking to be defended here. And she has no clue, none, that I'm doing this. There's no way she could ever sit on her doubts or worries, if she really thought I was fooling around. In fact, it would be over.
> 
> But as far as me being selfish, what am I getting out of this? I provide well (which she sure as hell doesn't mind, the way she spends it), I've been a very devoted father, I'm not staggering home drunk, and I have no reason to expect her to meet me halfway in the bedroom?
> 
> By the way, I haven't been with another woman in about 4 1/2 years. But that streak is likely to end.



I have noticed that sales people are very capable of this behavior.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

genkey7478 said:


> Oh, I am being selfish. I'm not looking to be defended here. And she has no clue, none, that I'm doing this. There's no way she could ever sit on her doubts or worries, if she really thought I was fooling around. In fact, it would be over.
> 
> But as far as me being selfish, what am I getting out of this? I provide well (*which she sure as hell doesn't mind, the way she spends it)*, I've been a very devoted father, I'm not staggering home drunk, and I have no reason to expect her to meet me halfway in the bedroom?
> 
> By the way, I haven't been with another woman in about 4 1/2 years. But that streak is likely to end.


Then why stay married to her? If it would be over if she knew, why don't you do both of you a favour and end the marriage? The statement I bolded...that leads me to believe that you are 'owed', and that that's why you cheat on her.

Whatever, I'm not judging you, I used to be a cheater too. But not anymore, and I have to say I like myself MUCH better now.


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## genkey7478 (Jan 23, 2012)

It seems particularly shallow, even shallower than cheating is, to get divorced just so I can get laid somewhere else. So why blow up the marriage over that one issue if everything else is basically fine? I haven't done anything in several years, but I think that's about to end. And when I do, I am likely to be far away and with a really small chance of being caught. Yeah, that's what they all say, right, LOL.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

genkey7478 said:


> It seems particularly shallow, even shallower than cheating is, to get divorced just so I can get laid somewhere else. So why blow up the marriage over that one issue if everything else is basically fine? I haven't done anything in several years, but I think that's about to end. And when I do, I am likely to be far away and with a really small chance of being caught. Yeah, that's what they all say, right, LOL.


Even still, you should probably include your wife in your decision to get 'laid' elsewhere. Who knows, maybe she'd like the chance to do the same? 

If you've been at it for years (even with a 4 year break) chances are your wife knows exactly what you're doing, and is just too scared to have to survive on her own, so she stays, saying nothing.

Anyway, you seem to think you're entitled for some reason, and of course it's your choice, albeit a poor one. Just sayin'...


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## genkey7478 (Jan 23, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> Even still, you should probably include your wife in your decision to get 'laid' elsewhere. Who knows, maybe she'd like the chance to do the same?
> 
> If you've been at it for years (even with a 4 year break) chances are your wife knows exactly what you're doing, and is just too scared to have to survive on her own, so she stays, saying nothing.
> 
> Anyway, you seem to think you're entitled for some reason, and of course it's your choice, albeit a poor one. Just sayin'...


I can assure, she doesn't know. All of this takes place miles from where she is. Hundreds of miles on some cases; thousands in others. She would not be able to sit on that knowledge and be quiet about it. 

As far as the "chance to do the same": she's had that. Many, many times.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

genkey7478 said:


> I can assure, she doesn't know. All of this takes place miles from where she is. Hundreds of miles on some cases; thousands in others. She would not be able to sit on that knowledge and be quiet about it.
> 
> As far as the "chance to do the same": she's had that. Many, many times.


Maybe she doesn't because she takes her marriage vows seriously? 

You're looking for justification and you are unlikely to find it here.

Good luck.


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## genkey7478 (Jan 23, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> Maybe she doesn't because she takes her marriage vows seriously?
> 
> You're looking for justification and you are unlikely to find it here.
> 
> Good luck.


I am NOT looking for justification. What I'm trying to do is let other women know that if you want to keep your dog on the front porch, you might want to pet him on a pretty regular basis.

I'm sure everybody thinks I'm a miserable pig, and they're probably right. But I can also tell you that people in my city who know me from my church, my golf club, etc. if they found out I was fooling around, they'd be shocked. It's not justification but I know why it happened, because I wasn't getting what I needed. 

That's the way it is. Sorry if I'm not more introspective or guilt-ridden.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

genkey7478 said:


> I am NOT looking for justification. What I'm trying to do is let other women know that if you want to keep your dog on the front porch, you might want to pet him on a pretty regular basis.
> 
> I'm sure everybody thinks I'm a miserable pig, and they're probably right. But I can also tell you that people in my city who know me from my church, my golf club, etc. if they found out I was fooling around, they'd be shocked. It's not justification but I know why it happened, because I wasn't getting what I needed.
> 
> That's the way it is. Sorry if I'm not more introspective or guilt-ridden.


Don't apologize to us - no one here expects you to feel guilty, not with your obvious sense of entitlement to behave the way you want without any regard for your wife, or anyone you sleep with - Karma has a way of coming back and biting you on the A$$, one way or another!


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## genkey7478 (Jan 23, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> Don't apologize to us - no one here expects you to feel guilty, not with your obvious sense of entitlement to behave the way you want without any regard for your wife, or anyone you sleep with - Karma has a way of coming back and biting you on the A$$, one way or another!


The people I slept with knew exactly what they were getting into. No surprises there. None have hurled themselves out of any windows yet from the trauma of sleeping with a married man.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Enuff of this t/j-----you wanna argue with this big-headed egomaniac---start another thread---where is 30mom, what is her story


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## SolidSnake (Dec 6, 2011)

Yeah start another thread! Booooo!

Back to the original subject, I think one thing that can prevent a lot of cheating that has not been focused on on this thread is what Dr. Harley calls Independent Behavior....basically making decisions as though your spouse did not exist, engaging in recreation activities without your spouse, spending a lot of time apart, going on separate vacations, etc. AND taking business trip where you are apart over night. Judging by what genky says, there is cause for concern!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Spend time with your mate too...just hanging out and doing fun things. If you think you don't have the time--- MAKE THE TIME.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You mean keep someone else from cheating?
No, it's a personal decision.
You can keep yourself from cheating, but trying to keep someone else from cheating, would be cheating yourself, out of a life.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Not really. IF the husband cheats, it's because the wife is probably not puttin' out for some reason like, "I'm not in the mood"....for 4 years.


Sometimes it's about control, the knowledge that he's cheated and getting away with it. Something his wife doesn't know, or knows but can't prove...

Cheating just for sexual attraction is a complete myth.
It assumes that sex is something that happens because of pleasure. But this is also a myth. Rape, for instance is a violent act.

A woman can be giving anal, blow jobs, every position asked from her in every location desired, she can even have the hots for her husband and want him on a daily basis...but he can still cheat and it's about control and abuse. Getting her to want him and to keep having sex to keep her man because he's got her convinced that he thinks that she's cheating...so he gets a sort of high knowing that she's highly sexed trying to keep him. Meanwhile, he goes and does the same thing to another woman...making her think that his wife doesn't put out.

I think the assumption that men cheat because they're not getting it at home, or not getting love and understanding and empathy and everything else at home, is very, very, dangerously naive.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I'm not naive. Look at all the men here who want to cheat because they don't get sex? 

Sure it's about control...but that's because they don't have control at home. They are lacking something and most of the time it's sex. I don't know many wives who do everything for their husband sexually, fulfill his needs for closeness and then get cheated on. Not personally anyway. I don't know what to believe in this forum.

I didn't say it's the only reason, but someone said that people think that men who cheat are dogs and that's not the case...unless they earn that title.

Can't group everyone together. I forgot to put MOST or SOME.

Geesh.


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## genkey7478 (Jan 23, 2012)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I think the assumption that men cheat because they're not getting it at home, or not getting love and understanding and empathy and everything else at home, is very, very, dangerously naive.


There are lots of reasons for cheating. But in my case, it did come down to just being sick and tired of getting close to nothing at home. 

My favorite moment with the woman I had an affair with was the first time we spent the night together, standing together naked, looking out over a fresh fallen snow in the hotel. The sex wasn't my favorite moment (though that was pretty good too!) I was no longer getting those moments like I described, and I'd had enough. And nothing's changed.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

You cannot prevent it with a man who has little self control or a minimal conscience. 

With a normal/average male you CAN reduce the odds of it happening greatly by:
1. Making sure he feels loved and cared for. This does not mean being a doormat - in fact - that conflicts with (2) below so you have to be able to separate being kind/loving/sexual with being weak.
2. Making sure he respects you and maybe has a healthy fear of you and of what you would do if he ever did THAT.

Early in our marriage we had a short discussion about cheating. My W made a couple very pointed comments and then asked me. 
Wife: How much would you say you sleep at night? 
Me: Maybe seven hours or so
Wife: What would be your sustainable minimum amount of sleep?
Me: Bare minimum for me to function 6 hours 
Wife: (smiling in a way I didn't particularly like) 6 hours is a LONG time to be in a totally vulnerable position right next to someone in bed - don't you think?
Me: (uneasily) Not only wouldn't I cheat, I would go far out of my way to avoid any APPEARANCE that I was thinking about it/doing it
Wife: Probably a good idea

Words to live by....



30Mom said:


> Can cheating be prevented? Is it preventable? Thanks.


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## 30Mom (Jan 21, 2012)

Thanks everyone. Sorry but I have no specific details. Just a philsophical question I guess. 

It just occured to me that sometimes I feel helpless being in a relationship with another person, in which I have no control over how it will turn out. I guess it's not how it turns out but the journey itself that must be enjoyed, right?

I just wanted to have a general sense of feeling that I'm heading in the right direction and that I'm doing all that I can to prevent my husband from cheating. Then again, perhaps there isn't anything that can be done to prevent someone from cheating. Which then led to my original question of whether cheating can be prevented or not. 

Great conversation everyone. Thanks!


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## genkey7478 (Jan 23, 2012)

30Mom said:


> I just wanted to have a general sense of feeling that I'm heading in the right direction and that I'm doing all that I can to prevent my husband from cheating. Then again, perhaps there isn't anything that can be done to prevent someone from cheating. Which then led to my original question of whether cheating can be prevented or not.
> 
> Great conversation everyone. Thanks!


I'm the designated male pig here, so let me just say that attending to both of your sexual needs should go a long way in keeping your husband faithful. Ignore them at your peril.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

30Mom said:


> Thanks everyone. Sorry but I have no specific details. Just a philsophical question I guess.
> 
> It just occured to me that sometimes I feel helpless being in a relationship with another person, in which I have no control over how it will turn out. I guess it's not how it turns out but the journey itself that must be enjoyed, right?
> 
> I just wanted to have a general sense of feeling that I'm heading in the right direction and that I'm doing all that I can to prevent my husband from cheating. *Then again, perhaps there isn't anything that can be done to prevent someone from cheating. Which then led to my original question of whether cheating can be prevented or not. *Great conversation everyone. Thanks!


One thing you CAN do is not to fear or expect him to cheat; don't worry so much about it, it hasn't happened yet! 

Many of the other posts nailed it; have fun, do things together, be happy - HAVE SEX - you'll find your way.


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## mai (Jan 16, 2012)

yes it can be prevented- you have to constantly work on a relationship to make it work and keep your partner interested in you. Sleeping under the same roof with zero communication and no respect for one another will take a relationship nowhere.

To make a relationship work and ensure that your partner remains faithful what is essential is intimacy. This does not mean just having sex. Spending quality time, communicating, touching, kissing and cuddling will all give her a sense of closeness. 

Trust is absolutely essential in a relationship. Your partner is bound to feel let down and betrayed when you break her trust.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Yep.
> 
> You can do many things to help you and your spouse not cheat:
> 
> ...



^^^ this

and it depends on the person.

Many people who cheat do so because of the type of person they are.


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## mai (Jan 16, 2012)

Your point of view is appreciated. But you cannot generalize and say that all men cheat only because of sex

Some men because of their position in a society and the kind of environment in which they have been brought up believe that it is normal and their right to cheat on their partners. Such men engage in affairs and cheat almost openly without any feeling of guilt.

Another reason could be because of ego.To boost a man's ego there is nothing compared to realizing that other women desire him sexually. When in long-term relationship, men get bored and start feeling that they may not be to exercise their charm on other women sexually. To check out if they are still as good and attractive as they were earlier they engage in clandestine affairs.

I am sure you have seen successful relationship and marriages that have survived for years together. If all men do cheat then what is your answer for some men staying faithful all the time.
Adultery has been around since times immemorial and there are a whole lot of news magazines and reality shows on television covering this subject these days. However it is very difficult to find a single answer to the question- Why do men cheat? Cheating may be due to a number of factors which may vary from person to person.


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## anna garret 01 (Jan 22, 2012)

FourtyPlus said:


> It takes two to work on a marriage but I believe most newlyweds don't view their marriage as something to be worked at. To them, marriage is the goal, not the journey.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Faithfulness is a two way street. You can't ignore your spouses needs and expect them to be faithful. I find it's hardest with close friends. We have a big group of couples we hang with, camp, and we all get along great. I have to keep my guard up with hugs, sexual humor, and sharing details of my marriage. I love all my friends and their husbands but sometimes it hard. I share my struggles with my husband and vice versa


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

anna garret 01 said:


> Faithfulness is a two way street. You can't ignore your spouses needs and expect them to be faithful.


That is still no excuse for the selfish choice of having an affair. If you've communicated with your spouse that you want him/her to satisfy your emotional needs and he/she can't or won't do it, then you have to choose to either to live in a unsatisfactory marriage or end it. Better to end a marriage with ones head held high than in shame and disgrace.



> I find it's hardest with close friends. We have a big group of couples we hang with, camp, and we all get along great. I have to keep my guard up with hugs, sexual humor, and sharing details of my marriage. I love all my friends and their husbands but sometimes it hard. I share my struggles with my husband and vice versa


Even happily married people can fall into an affair *if they violate marital boundaries*. You know this danger and you make the effort to steer clear of it, excellent.


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## SomeLady (Feb 21, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Yep.
> 
> You can do many things to help you and your spouse not cheat:
> 
> ...


Sorry to post to a thread that hasn't been posted in in a while, but I wanted to thank you for this.

I have issues with what are appropriate boundaries. I don't know if I've had an EA, but I feel like I could have one and I've never understood how such a thing would be prevented. I think I need some fairly strict rules for myself because I think I may be vulnerable to opportunity, and not recognize it until it's too late.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Sure it's about control...but that's because they don't have control at home. They are lacking something and most of the time it's sex. I don't know many wives who do everything for their husband sexually, fulfill his needs for closeness and then get cheated on. Not personally anyway. I don't know what to believe in this forum.
> 
> I didn't say it's the only reason, but someone said that people think that men who cheat are dogs and that's not the case...unless they earn that title.


Any act of low character has an explanation, but has no justification.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

> When most people get married, the subject of cheating and marital boundaries is hardly ever brought up. Naturally, the relationship is still new and that subject is the not even on their minds. Most people love and trust their spouse implicitly, and always assume that their spouse will always be faithful, thus no discussion about having boundaries, etc. It seems only when an incident occurs like infidelity that people suddenly find the need to start protecting the marriage. Its only when it happens to you that you can understand the need to help prevent affairs.


Exactly that and it's like that with most things, not just cheating and marriage.


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