# Asking wife to contribute



## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

What you guys think?

I am going to med school and am currently, through scholarships, loans, and bursaries, supporting my wife and 2 children (5,4). In addition, her 19 year old sister is here from their country for another year (she has already been here for a year...free).

We are going to visit her parents in their country and as you can imagine traveling with the 2 kids who pay full fare is now expensive. On top, today I found our car needs 1800$ in repairs 

I am really thinking of asking my wife to contribute to the family finances...maybe 250/month

up to know she is a sahm, but she has a casual, part time job but I have never asked her to contribute from that pot. 

But now I am beginning to stress about money and especially these recent expenses.

opinions??


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My marriage was fairly communistic... All the money went into one account, and we took from it as needed and agreed to. If the money wasn't there, things like trips took lower priority than car repairs. 

I would ask why the 19 year old isn't contributing...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

hmmm...whole other topic of frustration! we agreed to SIL to come for a year...now THEY decided that she'll stay. WTF I know....

Howver, she does baby sit at what would normally be 50$ each time so in that way we have saved... although I would love her out of the house...again different story.

Till now I considered that money her pocket money it really isnt much but with these expenses (well we r going to visit HER parents after all) I feel to maintain enough money to support family for 3 years longer I need her contributing...


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

You have seriously created a mess.

SIL should not be there and wife's money isn't pocket money if you are struggling with bills.

Do you and your wife not discuss money at all?


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

I haven't been on a trip in years, because fixing the car and feeding the kids etc... comes first. Your SIL is contributing if she is caring for the kids. Your wife needs to know what is going on, and should contribute. No trip for anyone until your finances are in order.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> You have seriously created a mess.
> 
> SIL should not be there and wife's money isn't pocket money if you are struggling with bills.
> 
> Do you and your wife not discuss money at all?


we do...as I mentioned these latest things:

car repair
trip
sister for another year

are all extras not accounted for in the original 4-year budget when i got into school last year

I know...sister is a mess and it is impacting more aspects than just money


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

LdyVenus said:


> I haven't been on a trip in years, because fixing the car and feeding the kids etc... comes first. Your SIL is contributing if she is caring for the kids. Your wife needs to know what is going on, and should contribute. No trip for anyone until your finances are in order.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


trip is booked already...

yes i am talking to wife tonight to make a contribution plan ....

funny she didnt offer to contribute to trip seeing i was kinda shocked at the price until i suggested it...hmmm

now i am thinking to get her contributing permenentally...


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## Legend (Jun 25, 2013)

I would ask for a raise or cut back your expenses.


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

I go to med school and we r living comfortably on loans scholarships and bursaries ... Cannot get raise, could cut down or she could contribute since trip is for her she is main car user and we r supporting (rent food) her sister, no?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

so my wife sent me the invoice that she has billed her employer and when she gets it deposited she will likely trasfer it over to my account which is the house account...i feel guilty though and i cannot help it!

i mean all sources of funds i receive get put towards family, i dont take anymore for myself then what we have budgeted for each of use individually so her putting that income in there is fair yet i feel mean that im asking for her to do that...


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Its normal to feel mean to ask for your needs to be met when you're not used to doing it.

It will pass.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

This is exactly the reason I don't understand why married people have separate accounts. All of the money you both earn should be shared jointly to help with household expenses. Marriage is a partnership, plain and simple.


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

justonelife said:


> This is exactly the reason I don't understand why married people have separate accounts. All of the money you both earn should be shared jointly to help with household expenses. Marriage is a partnership, plain and simple.


i cannot have a joint acc with my med school credit package but we have joint CC


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Thehusband2 said:


> i cannot have a joint acc with my med school credit package but we have joint CC


OP - Even if you don't have joint accounts, you should treat your money as "joint" money. You shouldn't feel guilty for asking your wife for money. It's your money too and if she's working, she should be contributing to the family expenses.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

justonelife said:


> OP - Even if you don't have joint accounts, you should treat your money as "joint" money. You shouldn't feel guilty for asking your wife for money. It's your money too and if she's working, she should be contributing to the family expenses.


Exactly.

Also, certainly she's going to expect the money earned from you having your MD to benefit the whole family. There's no reason she can't pitch in now given that she will benefit later.

Also, create a more realistic budget for yourself. Four years is a long time - contingencies will almost certainly come up (as you've seen) and working with a bare bones budget that covers only the day to day stuff over that time frame is bad planning.


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

DTO said:


> Exactly.
> 
> Also, certainly she's going to expect the money earned from you having your MD to benefit the whole family. There's no reason she can't pitch in now given that she will benefit later.
> 
> Also, create a more realistic budget for yourself. Four years is a long time - contingencies will almost certainly come up (as you've seen) and working with a bare bones budget that covers only the day to day stuff over that time frame is bad planning.


Thanks it is great to hear that from others!! Especially after talking today when wife said she needs $100 of that pay as the rest she has to "give away." 

I would have said the rest she is contributing to her family finances but anyway...

We do have budget that we both vetted but then several things came up that dropped the balance down below my comfort level and this started to stress me out. She doesn't really like taking an active role in the management of money or applying for funds, or disputing traffic offences etc... so I generally take on that role - i dont mind - but i just have no one to discuss this with and or vent etc...


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Thehusband2 said:


> She doesn't really like taking an active role in the management of money or applying for funds, or disputing traffic offences etc... so I generally take on that role - i dont mind - but i just have no one to discuss this with and or vent etc...


I understand that certain partners have different strengths and therefore take on different roles and responsibilities. But this may be part of your problem. If your wife doesn't really understand the financial impact of things like her sister living there, expensive family trips, etc, it's easier for her to go along with these things and not think about the consequences. She needs to be involved enough to understand your situation.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Thehusband2 said:


> Thanks it is great to hear that from others!! Especially after talking today when wife said she needs $100 of that pay as the rest she has to "give away."
> 
> I would have said the rest she is contributing to her family finances but anyway...
> 
> We do have budget that we both vetted but then several things came up that dropped the balance down below my comfort level and this started to stress me out. She doesn't really like taking an active role in the management of money or applying for funds, or disputing traffic offences etc... so I generally take on that role - i dont mind - but i just have no one to discuss this with and or vent etc...


Two comments. First, her comment about "giving away" _her_ earnings is a problem. She already decided without your input that you would start supporting her extended family. Now she's complaining that she has to help out with bills. It sounds like you expect her to pitch in, and she's planning to let Husband2 M.D. handle it all. You guys need to be on the same page.

Second, your budgeting process needs help. It's fine to do a budget, but if things keep coming up that you don't anticipate, you need to start increasing your expense estimates to keep up with what you are actually seeing. The budget needs to be "reality-checked" periodically.

Did you first do the budget before starting med school? Have you updated it since your SIL came to stay with you? How about when you starting having the first few budget overages? What is your contingency plan to cut back or make more money if needed in the future?


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## ginger-snap (Apr 10, 2013)

*Re: Re: Asking wife to contribute*



Thehusband2 said:


> disputing traffic offences


What? How often do these happen?


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

ginger-snap said:


> What? How often do these happen?





ginger-snap said:


> What? How often do these happen?


Thanks for all the replies! They are really helpful.

Traffic offences ... She has 3 now 2 for texting while driving and 1 for incorrect turn like 500$ in total. She could have disputed for a lower fine easily saying she doesnt work and im a student but she didnt even try....af the same time i fi d myself on long holds with cell phone, utility etc companies negotiating lower rates, like 10$ a month etc...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Thehusband2 said:


> i feel guilty though and i cannot help it!


Guilty for WHAT?!

THAT is your real problem. You're a doormat. A Nice Guy.

Don't raise your kids in that environment. Set some fair rules. Your wife works part time and the money goes into the general bills account. Your SIL pays $100/month rent to cover her cost of food and utilities. Period. If she doesn't like it, she can go back home.

And I know you're busy, but you simply MUST read this book asap, so you will understand WHY you (yes, YOU) created this mess: No More Mr Nice Guy.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Thehusband2 said:


> I just have no one to discuss this with and or vent etc...


 Do you not have any friends? This is a MUST. You need to be out doing SOMEthing for yourself, at least once in a while. Go call up a friend and meet him for lunch sometime this week.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Thehusband2 said:


> wife said she needs $100 of that pay as the rest she has to "give away."


And you sure as hell better be stepping in and saying "uh no you WON'T be giving that money away. That belongs to our FAMILY and you didn't ask me."


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

Turnera: thx for the advice. i have started to put my foot down more and it is going well.

the "i have to givie it away" I mentioned was referring to depositing that money for family use. she views it as "giving it away" i.e. not that she is contributing for the better of the family but that she is losing it...you know what i mean...

i admit i have been a door mat and i am now making my needs a priority and again it is going welll.

we had a conversation over the weekend about me not tolerating anymore GNOs with toxic single, divorced, or married but looking friends to bars or clubs... i know this issue will resurface when i mention to her that i am going to go out with my friend for a drink ... mind you, not all night or to club tho...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, why don't you go with your friend for a MEAL instead of a drink?

And GNO? HELL no, she should NOT be doing that. Please stop allowing this.


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

I told her after last weekend which i must admit was initially a test and she passed but i found myself anxious as was evidenced by posting here haha...

to be honest she can go for a meal and a drink with friends it is normal and i dont mind it is just the late night clubbing/bars with toxic/divorced/single/or all three that crosses my bioundary. I am not expecting her to never go out past 8 pm but to restaurant no a club, not a bar, not till 3 am...

And so my friend and i made plans to go have a drink or food or both BUT it WILL be after 8 because by the time we both finish work, get home, shower etc... it just will be. 

Certainly it wont involve clubs BUT certainly she will bring it up because she see's no difference or will pretend not to in order to start up a fight 
Especially since i asserted myself with these boundaries she will attempt to try to make it appear as if my night out is same as her's


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So go to Denny's or Fridays.


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

Yes, I was thinking of a restaurant like that for dinner just a little more trendy as we are both professionals (same price range tho) just more hip etc... kinda like fridays

Tho I know shes is gonna try to equate it with her going out, especially this one... that is doesnt have to be a club environment to meet someone it could be a playground etc....


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Better not have an owl for a symbol...


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

She's your wife not a princess.I supported my husband when I have needed to. Your going to have tons of loans to pay off if you're living off of school loans. I would advice any scholarship money be used to pay off your school loans which is what is for. Trust me the economy is bad and even as a doctor you won't be rich right after graduation.
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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

mablenc said:


> She's your wife not a princess.I supported my husband when I have needed to. Your going to have tons of loans to pay off if you're living off of school loans. I would advice any scholarship money be used to pay off your school loans which is what is for. Trust me the economy is bad and even as a doctor you won't be rich right after graduation.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Very true!!!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The book I recommended will teach you how to change that.


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