# Wife is infatuated with live in friend, Help!



## navytex

New here and looking for advice, sorry for the book!

My wife and I have been married for 18 yrs and have 2 girls (9 and 11 yrs old). I retired from the Navy after 22 years in January 2014 and thought that we would be able to settle down and have a normal life. My wife is a registered nurse who works in the operating room and makes a decent living. Money has never been an issue. Our marriage has not been the easiest or the best but we have had many more good memories than bad. The last 4 or 5 years have been the worst of them and we both just kind of went on autopilot, not communicating, not spending time with each other, no affection, and sex about once every 2-3 months, which ended up being mechanical at best. I traveled alot during my time in the Navy and we moved alot, so many of the day to day chores and responsibilities fell to her by default. I knew she wasn't happy and she knew I wasn't happy but we kept plodding along. 

At my retirement ceremony, we were able to reconnect with a longtime friend that I used to be stationed with years ago. Turns out that he had been divorced (3rd time) for about 3 years and was looking to start over in a new place. My wife and I thought it would be great if he relocated to our area and so the process started.

My wife and friend started texting each other in March 2014 and I knew, and consented that they were just catching up on all that was lost in the years where we had not talked. Months go by with my wife and I's relationship on an even plane, same as before. It wasn't until he came to visit in September of that year that I began to question what was going on. Problem is I kept the questions in my head and did not voice them. Around December, a month before he was to move, I got very suspicious for the simple fact that my wife was constantly on her phone, it might as well have been glued to her hand!

On a side note, the plan was for him to move in with us so it would give him time to adjust and find work and a place of his own.

So, a few days after Christmas, I had just about had enough and started digging into the phone records to see what was actually going on. What I found was truly shocking and devastating. In the course of 3 months, she had texted him over 10,000 times and him about the same amount back! To say that I was devastated, hurt, shocked, angry, and confused was an understatement. My wife and I have had numerous talks in the past about our relationship, but it has always felt one-sided. I was always the one to bring anything up. Well, this time was no different. I sat her down and asked her about her relationship with him and she denied any wrong-doing, saying that they were just catching up and that he had become her best friend. We talked about a bunch of things that night, including the rut we were in and what we wanted to change to bring us closer, and I felt ok with what I was told because I trusted her. The next day we left to go get him and the rest of his stuff to bring him here and this is where the story starts to go downhill.

As soon as we are heading back home, things between him and her start to change, quickly, but it is more her than him. She starts by saying that she is uncomfortable showing me any affection in front of him, and she is basically all about him, has to ride with him, sit by him and all that. At this point I am an emotional wreck and can't figure out why she is acting this way. I know right, blind and naive. Once we all get home, the next couple of weeks are hell, with her all about him and me feeling like a third wheel, until I have had enough to talk to him about everything. He says that there is nothing sexual going on and that if it is causing me this much pain that he will move out and distance himself. Me being the good guy that I am, says "no, you don't have to do that". After talking to him, I didn't feel that he was a threat so I let him stay, because we are all friends.

The next couple of months are complete torture, multiple fights between me and my wife, a couple where I almost walk out of the door. It gets to the point where we agree to go to marriage counseling, but only make about 4 sessions, when she is ready to quit because she is either too tired to go, has a headache, schedules just don't line up, etc. My feelings start to change from hurt, being overly emotional and angry, to something close to acceptance that this was the way it was going to be.

After that point, things got a little better, just for the simple fact that I was not smothering her and hounding her so much. During all this time, they have been texting non stop just like before, and when i found out, I went ballistic, and that's when I started voicing opinions on divorce or separation, and they cooled it down. During this time I was also laid off from my first real job after the Navy and got a better, higher paying job where I traveled about 50% of the time. Also during this time, my wife and I had started to become more physical in the bedroom, which means to say that we started to have sex again, but it was just like before, purely mechanical. And I felt like things were slowly returning to normal. It wasn't until I looked at the phone records again that I found out that they had stepped up their game on texting and now was texting each other when we were in the same room! We are talking about hour long conversations, going minute to minute, back and forth. It got so bad that I could tell when I was in the room with them and when I wasn't just by looking at the phone bill.

After I found that out, sat the wife down again and talked to her again, this time without the anger and resentment that I've held onto, and told her that this is unacceptable and that I would not stay if this continued.

And that brings us to today. As of today and from the time this whole mess started, she has not admitted to doing anything wrong and she won't admit that she has feelings for this guy, although I still think it is all one sided on her part. She has not done anything to prove to me that she wants this marriage to work, not even a little. I have discussed with her too many times to count what I need and want and it just goes in one ear and out the other. But when I say maybe divorce is a better option then she starts crying and says that she doesn't want me leave and that she loves me, she's just not attracted to me anymore. To this day, she still acts like she wants to be with him and talks to him as if I'm not even there. I'm to the point now where I am starting to question if she will ever see me like she did before. I know it sounds like him moving out is the start but that would just mean they would start texting again non-stop, and this way, I have them both under close supervision.

There are days where I am really starting to wonder if she has truly changed into someone else or if she is still in the "fog" as everyone calls it. I don't know, but what I do know is that I can't keep going like this forever.

If you have made it all the way to this point, I thank you. It does help to know that there is a place where I can discuss this.


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## Clay2013

See I think this is the problem with most people when they find out they are being cheated on. Your not drawing a clear line in the sand for her. Your just being nice and thinking you can get her to stop. Its really easy you go see a lawyer you draw up divorce papers and you sit them in front of her. You tell her either she comes clean and stops talking to him altogether or the marriage is over with. You don't beg them to stay. You don't go back and forth for months on end. you make it clear to them what they are doing is unacceptable and if they wont stop you end the marriage. 

She is never going to stop if there is no consequences to her actions. You have to show her with actions if you want results. Words mean nothing to someone that is cheating on you. 

I am sorry your going through this . Another thing Look up 180 and start doing that. Don't do anything for her that you would for a stranger.

Start treating her like a roommate and nothing more.

C


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## navytex

Thanks for your reply, and you are right, I haven't really drawn a line in the sand. But as far as I can tell, and from what he has told me, he doesn't want anything sexual with my wife, just as a friend. Her motives on the other hand are quite different. I have started looking for a lawyer but divorce is really the last thing I want. About the 180, I have been doing this to a certain extent for a month or 2 now and all it does is provide her with more opportunity. And besides we were pretty much living the 180 before he came along, so don't know what actual good it would do, besides push her farther away.


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## brooklynAnn

You have invited a snake into your home. Does this guy thinks it ok to text your wife so often and while in the same room. Something is not right here. Tell your friend he has to move out. What he is doing is disrespectful. You invited him into your home and this is how he repays you.

Your wife needs a rude awakening. Stop letting this woman treat you like this. See your lawyer, draw up divorce paper. You are not putting up with this sh** anymore. Read up on the 180 and start implementing it.

See how attractive she finds you then. Let her know you are standing your ground. Don't let her walk all over you. Kick your no good friend out.


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## Yeswecan

Your W has emotionally detached from you. Your W is having an emotional affair(EA) with our best friend. BTW, he is not your BF. He is someone disrupting your marriage and getting ego kibbles from it. 

Second, you will not nice your W back. Server her the D papers as you will not share your W with OM. 

OM moves out today.
NC(no contact) is to be honored by your W.


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## Yeswecan

navytex said:


> Thanks for your reply, and you are right, I haven't really drawn a line in the sand. But as far as I can tell, and from what he has told me, he doesn't want anything sexual with my wife, just as a friend. Her motives on the other hand are quite different. I have started looking for a lawyer but divorce is really the last thing I want. About the 180, I have been doing this to a certain extent for a month or 2 now and all it does is provide her with more opportunity. And besides we were pretty much living the 180 before he came along, so don't know what actual good it would do, besides push her farther away.


Even if the OM does not want anything more than friendship your W is still in an EA with OM. He has to go. And I call BS the OM does not want more. He would not be texting like he is and if the conversation was on the up and up there would be no need to text in the same room you are sitting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can guarantee there is sexual innuendo in the text messages.


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## brooklynAnn

P.S.

Your friend can say he wants nothing sexual with her.
However, his actions says differently. He keeps texting her, worst he is doing it when you are all together. What kind of game is he playing? 

He is not a friend.


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## Yeswecan

brooklynAnn said:


> P.S.
> 
> Your friend can say he wants nothing sexual with her.
> However, his actions says differently. He keeps texting her, worst he is doing it when you are all together. What kind of game is he playing?
> 
> He is not a friend.


Bingo!


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## brooklynAnn

Yeswecan, I so agree with you, this is not the action of a good friend.
He is getting his kicks from creating problems for them. Too bad the wife is too caught in the net that, see can see it. Get his as* out of your house. He has to go.


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## Iver

Find out what is going on for starters. Look up Weightlifters threads on Voice Activated Recorders (VAR) and get that going. Hearing them together when you aren't there may clear things up very quickly.

Do you have access to the texts? You need to see what they are sending each other. 

You'll need to see a lawyer so you know exactly what you face in terms of alimony, child custody, division of assets. 

Also how do your children feel about all of this and the other man (OM)? 

You need to decide if you discover an affair if you will want to save your marriage or just go straight to divorce. I would explain to your "friend" that is constantly texting your wife the consequences of his actions if he continues (you know what I mean) and tell him to get out NOW and cease all contact with your wife.

Once you get the scoop on what the facts are I'd sit down with your wife and lay the law down. Marriage for you is two people not three. She cuts contact 100% or its divorce time. No other options.

I don't mean to be rude here but inviting another man into your home? Bad Move. Allowing this to continue?? Real Bad Move.


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## navytex

In the beginning, I was able to get her phone and get the texts, and there was nothing sexual in the texts that I could find, although the entire month of November had been deleted. Since he has moved in, she has been deleting all of her texts so there is no way for me to verify what's being said, that and she never leaves her phone alone. I think I might have driven her underground tho because after I found out about them texting each other while in the same room, they barely text now, according to the phone bill. I know I have been way too trusting and blind at times but you would think that 18 years would mean something!


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## Yeswecan

navytex said:


> In the beginning, I was able to get her phone and get the texts, and there was nothing sexual in the texts that I could find, although the entire month of November had been deleted. Since he has moved in, she has been deleting all of her texts so there is no way for me to verify what's being said, that and she never leaves her phone alone. I think I might have driven her underground tho because after I found out about them texting each other while in the same room, they barely text now, according to the phone bill. I know I have been way too trusting and blind at times but you would think that 18 years would mean something!


Dude, the texts were sexual no doubt. They barely text now because they have gone underground and are communicating some other way. After all...OM is in your house! 18 years don't mean crap to a lot when it come to exciting unicorn rainbow farting fantasyland EA.


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## brooklynAnn

I like you Iver, never invite another man to come live in your house that is just inviting problems.

Can't say this enough, tell him to leave.

Wife is going to be mad but you dont care.
He has to go.


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## Yeswecan

brooklynAnn said:


> I like you Iver, never invite another man to come live in your house that is just inviting problems.
> 
> Can't say this enough, tell him to leave.
> 
> Wife is going to be mad but you know care.
> He has to go.


I can guarantee your W will be livid when you send her "friend" packing. If she is then you have your answer to what kind of friendship it really is.


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## Lostinthought61

time to say goodbye to your so called friend...that is where i would start there


you should ask your wife if they weren't sexual then how come you don't get 10,000 text from her ?


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## navytex

My kids affectionately call him there uncle and he really is a good guy, or so I thought. And I kind of knew bringing him in the house was going to cause problems but by that point it was too late. And I let it go on because, like I said, I trusted my wife more than anything. There is always that little glimmer of hope that she would see the error of her ways and I actually accused her of having an emotional affair, but she always keeps coming back with we are just friends and friends talk.


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## Lostinthought61

Listen to TX TRUST IS GONE...there is no trust....if there was then she would not have deleted those text


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## Yeswecan

navytex said:


> My kids affectionately call him there uncle and he really is a good guy, or so I thought. And I kind of knew bringing him in the house was going to cause problems but by that point it was too late. And I let it go on because, like I said, I trusted my wife more than anything. There is always that little glimmer of hope that she would see the error of her ways and I actually accused her of having an emotional affair, but she always keeps coming back with we are just friends and friends talk.


NT, uncle needs to go. He is creating issues in your marriage. That simple. He is not your friend...PERIOD. Friends don't text buds W 10,000 times. Good guys don't text OM W 10000 times and then delete the evidence. He is not a good guy. He is destroying your marriage, home and family. 

Give your W the definition of EA. Get her the book "Not just Friends." She will see she is in a EA.


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## navytex

You are all right, I know. I know she emotionally detached from me, and she even told me in the beginning that she has felt this way before but it came back and that is what she is waiting for. How do you rebuild trust? And if the texts were sexual and something did happen, the marriage would definitely be over. I feel like I need more proof before I go and dump 18 years down the drain tho.


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## Yeswecan

navytex said:


> You are all right, I know. I know she emotionally detached from me, and she even told me in the beginning that she has felt this way before but it came back and that is what she is waiting for. How do you rebuild trust? And if the texts were sexual and something did happen, the marriage would definitely be over. I feel like I need more proof before I go and dump 18 years down the drain tho.


At this point IMO you have enough to prove at least an EA. Also, the friggin FOX is in the hen house. You mean to tell me you believe NOTHING has gone on? Really? In 10000 text it was nothing but recipes and what happened on the last episode of The Young and Restless. Get with it NT.

Gaslighting. Read up on it.


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## Lostinthought61

you can't rebuild trust without her admitting to everything, your marriage is currently crowded, you can't fix it when your the odd man out...i say odd because there is a secret going on and your not in the know.


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## ButtPunch

Get him out your house. Smash her ******* phone. Cut her money off and 
start talking divorce.


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## navytex

I think my wife is so far in the fog that nothing short of divorce papers is going to make her see what it actually is and how much damage she is causing. To her, she is the victim in all this, and now I am just intrusive and controlling. Don't get me wrong, I am not an angel in all this, but I have never been physical with her, always let her do what she wanted, buy what she wanted, she has had free will do what she wanted. Maybe that was the problem. She is a great mother, and very affectionate to our 2 girls, just not to me. And at this point, she may never be. I agree, my "friend" has to go, but have NC is going to near impossible.


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## Yeswecan

navytex said:


> I think my wife is so far in the fog that nothing short of divorce papers is going to make her see what it actually is and how much damage she is causing. To her, she is the victim in all this, and now I am just intrusive and controlling. Don't get me wrong, I am not an angel in all this, but I have never been physical with her, always let her do what she wanted, buy what she wanted, she has had free will do what she wanted. Maybe that was the problem. She is a great mother, and very affectionate to our 2 girls, just not to me. And at this point, she may never be. I agree, my "friend" has to go, but have NC is going to near impossible.


NC is going to have to adhered to or you are walking. Draw the line. Serve the D paper. Also, expose what she has been doing with your friend to her friends and parents. If it is all very "innocent" as her foggy brain thinking it is then she will not have an issue with ALL knowing what she has been up to. Expose! This is how you clear the fog!


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## navytex

I truly believe that she is ready for divorce, she just doesn't want to admit to her family and friends that our marriage has failed. But I see it in everything she does and says. I've even called her on it, but she swears that she wants to stay because she loves me. I feel like a horse's ass chasing a dangling carrot!


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## navytex

Plus she keeps asking me why I am giving up on her and the kids!


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## ButtPunch

You are not going to nice your wife back. You are not going to convince her that you 
are the better choice. You are not going to sway her by asking her "To not throw away all the good
years you two have got together."

Your Actions Will Get Her Attention not your groveling

See A Lawyer. Get the Divorce Rolling. Do Not Tell Her Just Do It. When you are around her act like she is doing you 
a big favor setting you free. This may or may not save your marriage but she may respect you for it. Right now you are
a piece of chewed up gum on the bottom of her shoe. Women respect men who don't take **** from a women.

VAR the house car etc. after you beat dude's a$$. Get him out!


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## Yeswecan

navytex said:


> I truly believe that she is ready for divorce, she just doesn't want to admit to her family and friends that our marriage has failed. But I see it in everything she does and says. I've even called her on it, but she swears that she wants to stay because she loves me. I feel like a horse's ass chasing a dangling carrot!


The marriage failing is 50% on each. The EA is 100% your W. The marriage failed because you both lost the attachment. The attachment can be found again but not with OM sleeping/texting down the hall. He has to go. Second, I'm sure over 10,000 text there has been talk of 'WHAT IF'. So this has been playing on your W mind. As of right now, read up on 180. Read up on gas lighting. Advise OM he is to be gone immediately.


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## ButtPunch

navytex said:


> Plus she keeps asking me why I am giving up on her and the kids!


blameshift.....lol


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## Yeswecan

navytex said:


> Plus she keeps asking me why I am giving up on her and the kids!


Because she has given up ON YOU!!!! WTF? Your W is emotionally on another planet texting old Uncle Nice Guy.


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## ConanHub

Your "friend" is not your friend. Kick his ass to the curb. Tell him to stay the hell away from your family. Get a R.O. if needed.

File for divorce. Have your wife served at work. Expose what is going on at least to both families.

If she still doesn't snap out of it. Go through with the divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Yeswecan

ButtPunch said:


> blameshift.....lol


Big bingo brother!


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## brooklynAnn

Navytex, get that man out of your house. Today. Start packing his crap.
You have been disrespected by your good best bro. This man knows what he is doing, he wants your family and everything you've got. He is not being nice to your wife, he is leading her on. She is being stupid buying his attention.

Now you get him out of your house. Then, deal with wife. You cant do anything while that man is in your house.

All of here are in agreement on this.....he has to go now. Don't care where or how. Don't care about messing up a longtime friendship. You are now defending your family. He is the enemy.


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## ToothFairy

You travel 50 % of the time and leave them home alone? Wow... pretty much they are having sex all over your house. Man up.


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## Yeswecan

intheory said:


> Let me just agree with everyone else who says that you never have an adult, single person come to live with you in your home; unless they are a relative over 85 years old.
> 
> Your "friend", "uncle", whatever, is so rude. I would be disgracefully ashamed of myself for causing so much trouble between a married couple that I was friends with. Why isn't he? He shouldn't have to be asked to stop texting and leave your home; that's a no-brainer. He should leave and be all apologies.
> 
> Your wife? I wouldn't want her anymore; but I'm probably very severe. You see, the thing is, I wouldn't want to "persuade" or "convince" anyone to pick me over the person they are in a text romance with. It should be as plain as the nose on your face that her behavior is ridiculous and should never have started in the first place. Texting with Uncle Friend, with you in the room? Really?
> 
> If you decide to try and "win" her back, I wish you well. And I'm very sorry that you're in this situation and *I think you are w-a-a-a-y too lenient and passive with her.*


My exact thoughts reading NT posts.


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## Yeswecan

NT, I'm thinking you have only heard the tip of this iceberg. 

Sorry you are here man.


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## brooklynAnn

Guys, I think we need to go to TX and help pack some bags.:smile2:


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## lifeistooshort

Hon, your wife is gaslighting you. You are her security blanket while she explores her options, that's why she turns on the waterworks and cries about you giving up on her and the kids. Notice how she brings the kids up when it suits her? Doubtful she's all that concerned with them while she's getting her kicks with this guy.

See she probably knows she doesn't have a future with this d0uchebag, and she needs your security while she decides what's in her interests.

Your best chance of saving the marriage really is to take a hard line and file for divorce. The longer you let her bullsh!t you the more damage will be done and the less likely the marriage will b salvagable.

You could always find yourself a nice female "friend" and start exchanging lots of texts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Iver

Deleted texts are only sorta kinda deleted. Research tech stuff or just take your wifes phone to a techie and have the deleted texts restored. If she backs up to a cloud you can find ways to retrieve data as well.

Or you can ask your "friend" for his phone and just look at the texts she sent him.


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## navytex

I have read and heard what everyone is saying. I know that he needs to go, and now. I know that she needs to be exposed, and I know that I need to go see a lawyer and be ready to actually divorce because once I do all these things, I will be completely dead to her, I know that now. Now it's just getting up the courage to actually do it. I've been sitting on it way too long and have had my doubts about them being sexual. I also know that I have been way too passive, it's part of my nature. I have read No More Mr. Nice Guy and I fit the bill perfectly. 18 years is a huge comfort zone and one that is very difficult to let go, but I can't continue to be miserable, so I know it's time.


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## Yeswecan

navytex said:


> I have read and heard what everyone is saying. I know that he needs to go, and now. I know that she needs to be exposed, and I know that I need to go see a lawyer and be ready to actually divorce because once I do all these things, I will be completely dead to her, I know that now. Now it's just getting up the courage to actually do it. I've been sitting on it way too long and have had my doubts about them being sexual. I also know that I have been way too passive, it's part of my nature. I have read No More Mr. Nice Guy and I fit the bill perfectly. 18 years is a huge comfort zone and one that is very difficult to let go, but I can't continue to be miserable, so I know it's time.


Find the resolve to take back your life , self-respect and dignity. 


We are here for you!!!


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## navytex

Thing is, he is the one that always deleted his texts, then she started following suit. And I know that I am her security blanket, just hard to hear that that's all I am to her after all this time.


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## Yeswecan

navytex said:


> Thing is, he is the one that always deleted his texts, then she started following suit. And I know that I am her security blanket, just hard to hear that that's all I am to her after all this time.


Because they are in cahoots with each other. Cover the trail.

NT, you have only seen the tip iceberg.


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## Iver

I remember a thread from Logan who had a wife who wanted to have Girls Night Out every weekend. He just wouldn't find out what was going on with her texting - he had put a VAR in her car but wouldn't go the extra step. (Nice guy - I still wonder how things worked out for him)

You need to get aggressive. Get on top of this. Pay a P.I. if necessary but quit being a patsy.


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## Hicks

He needs go to. Today. Kick him out. That is your first step. Stand up for yourself. Once you do this, come back and ask for other advice.


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## ConanHub

ToothFairy said:


> You travel 50 % of the time and leave them home alone? Wow... pretty much they are having sex all over your house. Man up.


Yeah. Forgot to mention your "friend" is bending your wife over every chance he gets.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## navytex

Fact of the matter is, I have been contemplating divorce for some time now. Just my idiotic brain didn't want to believe that my wife would do that to me. But everything points in that direction. I can't believe I was that stupid to believe her. I haven't trusted her since I found out about the texting at the end of last year. I am going to boot my "friend" out of the house this evening when he gets home from work, should be an interesting night.


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## lifeistooshort

Good luck. I think she's been a security blanket for you too, 18 years is a long time and it's what you know even if you've been unhappy. 

Heck, I've been with my hb for 10 years and I barely remember my life before him. 

Cut this sh!t off now..... it's possible she'll come out of the fog at which time you can decide if you still want her but if not you'll still be better off. No matter the outcome you'll be much happier in the end. 

Come back for support as you need. 

And from one vet to another I thank you for your service.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Iver

Keep a VAR on you in case you get accused of violence (tempting but don't do it; remember custody could be coming up.)


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## brooklynAnn

Good luck friend. Stay strong, stay focus and do not let them tell you, its all in your head. 

You are a good man, you deserve better from your so call friend. You deserve a wife who will fight for you and watch your back.

Stay strong. Stay calm.


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## anchorwatch

Well, you found your gonads. Use them and your head now. Not your temper. 

*Have a voice recorder in you pocket or use a phone app, in case they turn it around on you and call the cops. Firm, steadfast, resolved, but not in anger. *

It's about boundaries and they crossed yours.

Here, read it... No More Mr Nice Guy

Best


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## Iver

I suspect it's going to get Very Ugly tonight. 

We'll see if the wife leaves with the "friend".


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## Lostinthought61

THis is important....you are not to leave the house....if you file you are not to leave the house....if you do...he will be right back in there with her blessing....and uncle will become new dad. If or once you file....she can leave if she wants too....but you are there to stay for the kids.


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## ricky15100

Why aren't you angry? Are you worried you've got this all wrong? You should be so pissed that his **** should be dumped in bags outside, and after that he should be told to get the fvck out!!!


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## Hardtohandle

ToothFairy said:


> You travel 50 % of the time and leave them home alone? Wow... pretty much they are having sex all over your house. Man up.


This times 1000... 

NT, your wife and this guy are FVCKING... 

The reason she is saying why are you giving up on me and the kids is because she needs to hear it out loud to give her confidence to leave you.. She needs to make this your fault.. She is validating her feeling for this man.. 

You really, really, really need to get a grasp that these 2 are literally fvcking behind your back and laughing about it.. They are giggling about the moments they almost got caught a week ago and you just didn't catch it.. 

Wake the fvck up.. 

Trust me I know its hard.. I've been there and many have been there.. I was with my wife 20 years.. The last thing I wanted was a divorce.. 

But with your first post I was pretty much imagining you drawing a line in the sand and your wife stepping over it and you making another and her laughing and stepping over it again.. 

Sadly you will fail at this and it's okay.. I wasn't built for this type of sh!t either.. 

You will crumble.. You will cry.. You will beg and she will leave with him..

UNLESS you grow a pair of balls and get rid of him and force her to make a choice.. Well not force her but make that choice for her.. 

You don't need anyone to validate what is going on here.. Normal people don't do what they are doing.. There is no excuse for what they are doing.. They are just playing you for a fool and you are going along with it..


----------



## Graywolf2

Iver said:


> I remember a thread from Logan who had a wife who wanted to have Girls Night Out every weekend. He just wouldn't find out what was going on with her texting - he had put a VAR in her car but wouldn't go the extra step.


Put a VAR or two in the house


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## Vulcan2013

Put yourself in your "friends" place. You're staying with a friend, and his wife starts an inappropriate relationship. Do you stay for months? Hell no! You'd be out ASAP. 

You seemed to be putting faith in his integrity and not your wife's. If infidelity makes a difference in your state, don't be hasty. Get proof. Otherwise, expose her and get out. 

And get some IC to find out why you tolerated this for months.


----------



## navytex

Well...........it was indeed an UGLY night! As of right now, my "friend" is looking for a place to stay and my wife is beside herself! We had a huge blow out about what was going on, and she still could not see what she was doing. They are both still sticking to the fact that they are friends and nothing more. I talked to my wife about what my boundaries are and what hers should be too. We also talked about what I thought was acceptable and what was not. She went to bed mad as hell, and I could care less! This is probably foreshadowing a divorce as I don't see her wanting to change, but I did tell her that I have done all I can do, it is up to her now whether we get divorced or not, she has to show me that she still wants me here. 

Thanks for everyone's reply's and words of wisdom! It's a sh!tty thing to say, but I am relieved that it is out in the open!


----------



## Yeswecan

Good on you. 10000 texts is beyond friends. And yeah, we all knew your W would be pissed. Typical response. Stick to your guns. As far as OM looking for a place, he needs to be given a timeline. For me it would be about one hour. And now is the time to watch the texting activity. This far from over. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jerry123

She's pissed because you took her drug (Dopamine) (this guy) away from her. Just like a drug addict if you take away their coke, or H. 

What's funny is you're her husband and does she text you 10000 times...no. 

Of course they will both say their just friends. That's the number 1 answer when confronted with no evidence. 

And SHE does not decide divorce. You do. Tell ya what, have her take a lie detector test and just ask "Have you ever had sex with this guy". 
I bet my house she fails. 

I have read thousands of stories here and your story is typical cheater script by her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Graywolf2

jerry123 said:


> *Of course they will both say their just friends. That's the number 1 answer when confronted with no evidence.
> *
> 
> And SHE does not decide divorce. You do. Tell ya what, have her take a lie detector test and just ask "Have you ever had sex with this guy".
> I bet my house she fails.


A poly is your only chance now. Make it a condition for not getting a divorce.

Otherwise she will take “We were just friends” to the grave. You will be the bad guy for breaking up the marriage over nothing.


----------



## navytex

I do know that it will be me deciding to divorce or not, she would never admit to our marriage failing to that point. Like I said before, we both let the marriage get to this point, I know I am to blame as well, and I take full accountability for that. And no, she has never texted me that much, ever. I just couldn't get her to see what she was doing last night, she kept trying to make me look like the bad guy saying that I was seeing things that weren't actually happening. I told her that it was her time to show me that she still wanted me here, with actions not words cause I could not trust what she said anymore because I've heard the same things over and over again with nothing really happening.

Yeswecan, I know this is far from over, and I don't plan on letting up on her. I figure some true colors will be coming out in the next couple of days!


----------



## navytex

A poly relationship will never work with me or her for that matter. It will either be D or R, nothing else. And no, I will not be the bad guy for breaking up the marriage, in her mind maybe I will be, but I've already told her that I cannot live like this anymore. At this point, I don't if we will ever be able to recover, but I am willing to give it a shot. Only time will tell.


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## anchorwatch

Tex, don't let her convince you this is all your fault. 

She did this! 

She put your M in this position! 

She showed no safe marital boundaries, by getting too close to this "friend". Like Jerry pointed out, he got more attention than you. 

Because your M was at a low point, she is using him to replace the emotion she should have received from you. She may not have even realised, but your recent actions are forcing her to look at in real terms now. 

The faults in a marriage are shared at least 50/50%. For the one that goes outside of the marriage for emotional support is 100% the fault of that party. 

Stay strong, calm, but resolved. You can repair a marriage, but not with a third party. If there is any chance, she can't be in any contact with him for it to work. 

Get a hold of this book, it will explain a lot. You both should read it. ASAP

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"


Best


----------



## jsmart

navytex said:


> I think my *wife is so far in the fog* that nothing short of divorce papers is going to make her see what it actually is and how much damage she is causing. To her, she is the victim in all this, and now I am just intrusive and controlling. Don't get me wrong, I am not an angel in all this, but I have never been physical with her, always let her do what she wanted, buy what she wanted, she has had free will do what she wanted. Maybe that was the problem. *She is a great mother*, and very affectionate to our 2 girls, just not to me. And at this point, she may never be. I agree, my "friend" has to go, but have NC is going to near impossible.


I've read your story on here, SI, Loveshack and other places many times. The reason she's not affectionate to you is because she's giving that love to her man. THEY ARE HAVING SEX.

Also you're wrong that she is a good mother. If she were, she would not be risking their family home by betraying their father.


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## jerry123

That's the key to sticking to your guns. 

I know you will...

But if you relent at this point she'll have you eating out of her hand. 

You couldn't understand what she was doing last night because you're not in her situation. Dopamine is a powerful chemical the brain gives for pleasure. Just imagine when you two first met. I don't know how you were at the start but it was probably the same way most couples were. You two could not wait to see each other. Sex was great and often. She would call or text you a lot. Don't know if there was texting back then. 

That's what she is getting from this guy. And you are the bad guy taking that away from her. That is what's going on. No sane person would act the way your wife is acting. 

And it does not just go away once he leaves. Most likely it will get worse. He's not there to give her the dope hit. So she'll find a way to see him. Even texting gives her the hit. 

Tell her no texting this guy. Then monitor her texting and if she just does it once go see a lawyer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jerry123

To add, there is a slight possibility this was only a too close as friends and it was just a texting thing. 

But with him there and you gone it just gives them too many chances to have sex. 

And don't underestimate these two. Her not wanting to show you affection in front of him is big red flag. I assume your sex life went down hill. Cheaters almost always stop affection and sex to their spouse so that they won't "cheat" on their affair partner. 

It sounds f$cked up but soooo true. And that is what happened with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## navytex

Anchorwatch, thanks for the link, I will definitely check that out. And I've known that with him here we would not be able to progress, which is why I did what I did last night. The no contact will be very difficult, as he is intertwined with my whole family situation. Will definitely have to find a way to figure that out.

Jerry, I fully intend to keep a close eye on her, I know she won't be able to stop. And no, there was no texting back then, lol. We didn't even have cell phones! I know it will prolly get worse before it gets better. I have a big job coming up next week that will last 3 weeks, that will be the beginning of the proving time for her, if nothing has changed by that time, I will be contacting a lawyer.


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## jerry123

So you will be gone for 3 weeks???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## navytex

Yes, I will agree that them just being too close of friends is a possibility, but it did cross the line of what was acceptable to me. And yes, our sex life has been in the dump for quite a while. The red flags for me were me telling her what I needed and wanted and her doing absolutely nothing about it, seeming to not even care. I know she is at least emotionally invested in this guy at the very minimum.


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## navytex

No, luckily, I will only be gone during the day and then home every night and weekends. But if she is going to do something like, she is going to do it whether I'm here or not.


----------



## jerry123

True.... You need to get a voice recorder at best buy. And learn how to use it. It's cheap but one of the best ways to catch a cheater. 

Even buy 2. One for your bedroom and one for her car. 

You'll know very quickly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## navytex

I don't think a voice recorder in her car would do any good, unless they start making calls to each other. Right now, everything is done by text.


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## jerry123

navytex said:


> Yes, I will agree that them just being too close of friends is a possibility, but it did cross the line of what was acceptable to me. And yes, our sex life has been in the dump for quite a while. The red flags for me were me telling her what I needed and wanted and her doing absolutely nothing about it, seeming to not even care. I know she is at least emotionally invested in this guy at the very minimum.


Yup, all she heard from you was blah, blah, blah, blah and friggin blah. 


Honestly, if she does not come around soon your headed for a sinking ship. Don't live like this. Divorce may be the only way to save your marriage. It sounds weird but true. Nothing like showing her papers to snap her out of her fog.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## anchorwatch

@navytex,

Your so called friend has no marriage boundaries either! That's evidenced by his failure at three marriages. By him insisting they are "only friends", he's either lying or doesn't know how to behave. How many times we've heard "He's there for a friend". That's her husband's place or her therapist. I suggest he's lying. 

Either way he's not being a friend of your marriage and should be cut out of your lives. 

Read the link, forthwith. 

Best


----------



## farsidejunky

I retired from the Army in 2013, brother. My wife and I had a similar disconnect minus the extra person. Fortunately we were able to rekindle it.

Here is the thing, brother. Any engagement in conversation she is going to use to try to get you to see things her way. It is the only way she can continue to have what she wants, which is her dopamine fix and her safety net. There is a simple solution for you when she starts in on it again.

You need to memorize a phrase, and this phrase will help you deflect the emotional hornets nest in her head back at her, rather than owning it, which is what she is subconsciously trying to get you to do.

"I am not okay with..."

Example:

Her: "We are just friends! You are totally seeing things that are not happening!"

You: "I am not okay with you being in an emotional affair."

Then walk away.

Her: "You are so controlling!"

You: "I am not okay with name calling."

Then walk away.

Her: "He is just a friend I talk to!"

You: "I am not okay with my wife texting another man and then trying to get me to accept it."

Get the picture? It is emotional communication.

One other point. If she hammers on the same point over and over again?

"Are you done?"

Make her own her emotions while clearly communicating your boundaries.

That is what you do operationally. Now let's talk strategic.

In order to set that course of action, you must know what you want. 

Do you want to divorce? Then file and use her being high on your friend to get her to agree to a more favorable divorce.

Do you want to reconcile? You must kill this affair. The key to killing an affair is exposure. You have already stated that she fears admitting failure of the marriage to people. These people are exactly the ones you expose to. Prepare an email that is honest and not slanted.

Example: "Good afternoon, friends and family. I regret to inform you that my wife has chosen to carry on an inappropriate relationship with a former friend of mine, X. She has attempted to hide the depth of the relationship from me for several months. I cannot continue to remain her husband if she chooses to keep this relationship, and if she does not stop, I will have no choice but to file for divorce. I ask for your support and prayers in this challenging time for our family. Thank you."

Now you need to decide what you want to do, brother.


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## navytex

Farsidejunky, I appreciate the words and wisdom. I do want to reconcile but I fear that it is probably too late, I could see it in her eyes last night. I'm still gonna give it some time to see what develops, I have a big job coming up next week that will last for 3 weeks, so I wouldn't even be able to talk to a lawyer until then anyway. Hopefully she starts to see a little bit of sunshine, out of the fog.


----------



## farsidejunky

navytex said:


> Farsidejunky, I appreciate the words and wisdom. I do want to reconcile but I fear that it is probably too late, I could see it in her eyes last night. I'm still gonna give it some time to see what develops, I have a big job coming up next week that will last for 3 weeks, so I wouldn't even be able to talk to a lawyer until then anyway. Hopefully she starts to see a little bit of sunshine, out of the fog.


It may not be too late. 

2x4 time.

Clearly work holds a higher priority than your marriage. That is how my marriage went to the doldrums.

Right now, your actions are showing her weakness. You are effectively allowing her to do this by not giving her consequences.

Would you tolerate subversion from a subordinate Sailor? Why are you allowing it from your wife?

Show her true consequences, brother. Tell her your boundary and what will happen if she crosses it. Then make your actions match your words.


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## anchorwatch

What's yout fiends stance on your new boundaries?


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## happyman64

navytex you are not listening.

Put a var in her car.

Put a var in the bedroom.

Hide them well.

With him not in the house any longer the texting will suffice as her fix.

They will talk to each other. You will most likely hear something. Or better yet you will hear what she thinks of you after one of your calls to each other.

Why have you never tried to recover her texts from her phone?

HM


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## Yeswecan

navytex said:


> I do know that it will be me deciding to divorce or not, she would never admit to our marriage failing to that point. Like I said before, we both let the marriage get to this point, I know I am to blame as well, and I take full accountability for that. And no, she has never texted me that much, ever. I just couldn't get her to see what she was doing last night, *she kept trying to make me look like the bad guy saying that I was seeing things that weren't actually happening. * I told her that it was her time to show me that she still wanted me here, with actions not words cause I could not trust what she said anymore because I've heard the same things over and over again with nothing really happening.
> 
> Yeswecan, I know this is far from over, and I don't plan on letting up on her. I figure some true colors will be coming out in the next couple of days!


This is called gas lighting. Don't fall for it. Your gut is screaming something is wrong. The gut is right 99.9% of the time.


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## navytex

My friend said that he completely understood where I was coming and that he could see my side of things, he is currently trying to find a place of his own. 

Happy, the texting has always been her fix. And I did get her texts before he moved here and didn't see anything sexual, but I could see where she was already in an emotional affair with just the things she was saying. I know I have been a pushover and blind, but I wanted to believe that she was better than that. I'm quickly learning the error of my ways and I can only do it a step at a time. I know they will talk and say things but I will not be able to bend her to my will, persuade her maybe.

Farside, my work is important but not more important than my marriage or my kids. And you have to admit that a wife is a little different than an insubordinate sailor! Some things apply but most don't.


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## farsidejunky

I know she is different than a Sailor, however... This situation calls for that strict of an enforcement mechanism.

And the pushover piece is not past tense. You are still doing it. If you don't get aggressive with this thing fast it is going to get worse.

The idea is not to bend her. You present her a clear choice and don't let her linger on her decision. She chooses to bend on her own based on what you will tolerate, and then she gets the outcome from her choice.


----------



## Yeswecan

navytex said:


> My friend said that he completely understood where I was coming and that he could see my side of things, he is currently trying to find a place of his own.
> *No man...he moves out today..GET IT???? He has been instrumental in the ruining of your marriage. GTFO!*
> Happy, the texting has always been her fix. And I did get her texts before he moved here and didn't see anything sexual, but I could see where she was already in an emotional affair with just the things she was saying. I know I have been a pushover and blind, but I wanted to believe that she was better than that. I'm quickly learning the error of my ways and I can only do it a step at a time. I know they will talk and say things but I will not be able to bend her to my will, persuade her maybe.
> 
> Farside, my work is important but not more important than my marriage or my kids. And you have to admit that a wife is a little different than an insubordinate sailor! Some things apply but most don't.


----------



## Borntohang

I see a burner phone in her future!


----------



## ButtPunch

I wouldn't quit your job just yet. This may be too far gone. I would put down a clear 
boundary that if she breaks NC with OM then you will divorce her immediately. 

VAR in the house....VAR in the car....Everywhere a VAR.....

You need to pull a data recovery on her phone as well as I fear
her relationship with OM has been physical for a long long time.

All the Best
BP


----------



## navytex

what is a good software to use for data recovery on an android phone?


----------



## jerry123

Oh, forgot to ask. Did you make it clear not one more text to him?

THERE IS NO REASON FOR YOU TO BE TEXTING HIM. 

That's what you should be saying to her. And if she refuses or does text him get a lawyer. 


And if she does abide by that you still need to recover old text. And tell her that. If she refuses, that's means she does not want you to see them. Or she'll say it's private. [email protected] If her phone is on your billing name it's yours to see. Period.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## italianjob

navytex,

- this was not one sided. One sided would be if she sent him 10000 texts and he replied 10 times. If he replied to each of those text this was obviously not one sided, don't you think?

- you bring a man your Wife is obviously infatuated with (10000 texts!) and who is obviously interested (he replied to those 10000 text) to live into your house and leave them there while you travel? Really? And still seriously think nothing happened? the chances of this not being a PA are 1 in 10000 IMO...

- Why do you think they texted each other while being in the same room? Because what they had to say to each other was not supposed to be heard, especially by you. Why do you think they deleted the texts?

- Your options now are:
.go on believing that your wife affair has nothing to do with the problems in your marriage, like you seem to want to believe, and decide what you want to do about it.

.assume that what logic suggests has happened (affair) has indeed happened and decide what you want to do about it, knowing that the lovers will never admit anything you can't prove.

.try to gather evidence, follow everybody's advice and make good use of VARs or a PI, confront with evidence and decide what to do


----------



## jerry123

navytex said:


> what is a good software to use for data recovery on an android phone?


https://www.androidpit.com/how-to-recover-deleted-text-messages

That link took me 5 seconds to get.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jerry123

italianjob said:


> navytex,
> 
> - this was not one sided. One sided would be if she sent him 10000 texts and he replied 10 times. If he replied to each of those text this was obviously not one sided, don't you think?
> 
> - you bring a man your Wife is obviously infatuated with (10000 texts!) and who is obviously interested (he replied to those 10000 text) to live into your house and leave them there while you travel? Really? And still seriously think nothing happened? the chances of this not being a PA are 1 in 10000 IMO...
> 
> - Why do you think they texted each other while being in the same room? Because what they had to say to each other was not supposed to be heard, especially by you. Why do you think they deleted the texts?
> 
> - Your options now are:
> .go on believing that your wife affair has nothing to do with the problems in your marriage, like you seem to want to believe, and decide what you want to do about it.
> 
> .assume that what logic suggests has happened (affair) has indeed happened and decide what you want to do about it, knowing that the lovers will never admit anything you can't prove.
> 
> .try to gather evidence, follow everybody's advice and make good use of VARs or a PI, confront with evidence and decide what to do



He knows he [email protected] up now but at the time he thought he was helping a "friend" out. It happens a lot. He's asking the right questions and kicked him out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BetrayedDad

navytex said:


> No, luckily, I will only be gone during the day and then home every night and weekends. But if she is going to do something like, she is going to do it whether I'm here or not.


Put the VAR in your bedroom. There is a very high probably they fvck in your marital bed. If so they will again.... Won't take long to catch them.

Women in the medical field have a high propensity to cheat. Being around other woman most of the time, when a decent looking guy comes around, he starts to look like Channing Tatum to them. 

Then you bring a 3 time divorced military guy (cheating is rampant in the military too) over to live with you? Then to top it off you disappear 50% of the time and green light the whole friendship? 

Sh!t, you might as well have left the condoms and a chocolate on the pillow for them. Most cheaters have unprotected sex. At least you could of minimized your potential STD exposure.

Slap her with divorce papers TODAY. You need to dump a bucket of ice water reality on her damn head.


----------



## italianjob

jerry123 said:


> He knows he [email protected] up now but at the time he thought he was helping a "friend" out. It happens a lot. He's asking the right questions and kicked him out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He sounds like he still think the infatuation is mostly on his wife, and... No, I don't think it happens a lot, not to this extent, at least, especially since he had already noticed the amount of texting...


----------



## jerry123

italianjob said:


> He sounds like he still think the infatuation is mostly on his wife, and... No, I don't think it happens a lot, not to this extent, at least, especially since he had already noticed the amount of texting...


Yeah, I didn't mean a lot as in 50% of the time when this happens but probably more than you think. Same thing if it were her hot friend 
staying at their house and his wife were traveling. 

Turn that around and think like her. What if you were texting her hot friend thousands of times. And YOU got pissed that your wife was throwing her hot friend out. You would get that mad because your screwing that hot friend and now it won't be as easy. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## italianjob

jerry123 said:


> Yeah, I didn't mean a lot as in 50% of the time when this happens but probably more than you think. Same thing if it were her hot friend
> staying at their house and his wife were traveling.
> 
> Turn that around and think like her. What if you were texting her hot friend thousands of times. And YOU got pissed that your wife was throwing her hot friend out. You would get that mad because your screwing that hot friend and now it won't be as easy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I absolutely agree.

What I was "scolding" the OP about was that I think he sounds like he's still willing to cut his "friend" a little too much slack, saying things like "this was one sided" and such... He's still being a little too much of a good guy IMO.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

navytex said:


> A poly relationship will never work with me or her for that matter.


He meant polygraph.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

italianjob said:


> I absolutely agree.
> 
> What I was "scolding" the OP about was that I think he sounds like he's still willing to cut his "friend" a little too much slack, saying things like "this was one sided" and such... He's still being a little too much of a good guy IMO.


We see this happen in reverse all of the time. Spouse apologizes, wants to work on things and the OM/W becomes demonized.

His friend was punished, accepted it and apologized. His wife is still angry, blame shifting and unrepentant. His reaction is not surprising to me.


----------



## Yeswecan

italianjob said:


> I absolutely agree.
> 
> What I was "scolding" the OP about was that I think he sounds like he's still willing to cut his "friend" a little too much slack, saying things like "this was one sided" and such... He's still being a little too much of a good guy IMO.


Agreed 100%. I'm flabbergasted this did not go scorched earth. This went on under his own roof, with his W, for months!!!!! Uncle Nice guy to his kids and just soaking it in for all it was worth. Sorry man, for me, the OM azz would be out the door with his collective crap on the lawn right behind him. 

Total disrespect......


----------



## Yeswecan

phillybeffandswiss said:


> We see this happen in reverse all of the time. Spouse apologizes, wants to work on things and the OM/W becomes demonized.
> 
> *His friend was punished, accepted it and apologized.* His wife is still angry, blame shifting and unrepentant. His reaction is not surprising to me.


And all is well then? The friend was an integral part of this mess.


----------



## italianjob

phillybeffandswiss said:


> We see this happen in reverse all of the time. Spouse apologizes, wants to work on things and the OM/W becomes demonized.
> 
> His friend was punished, accepted it and apologized. His wife is still angry, blame shifting and unrepentant. His reaction is not surprising to me.


Apologies still don't make this one sided, the "friend" was a willing partecipant, not a casuality of OP's wife behaviour, and all this while accepting OPs generous help...


----------



## navytex

I do hear what everyone is saying, I really do. And yes, I am being too much of a "nice guy". But until I actually recover the text messages and get proof, I don't think it will truly set in that they are cheating. I have known this guy for a long time and it is almost inconceivable that he would do something like this.

Now, with all that being said, I will get proof, whether from her phone or VAR's like everyone has mentioned. And I will take swift action once I have it. But I cannot make drastic decisions based off of the number of text messages that were sent and received and call it a PA without proof. I already know that it is an EA and have been dealing with that for a little while now. I have 2 girls in the mix and I would hate to upset their lives on something I could not prove.


----------



## italianjob

navytex said:


> I do hear what everyone is saying, I really do. And yes, I am being too much of a "nice guy". But until I actually recover the text messages and get proof, I don't think it will truly set in that they are cheating. I have known this guy for a long time and it is almost inconceivable that he would do something like this.
> 
> Now, with all that being said, I will get proof, whether from her phone or VAR's like everyone has mentioned. And I will take swift action once I have it. But I cannot make drastic decisions based off of the number of text messages that were sent and received and call it a PA without proof. I already know that it is an EA and have been dealing with that for a little while now. I have 2 girls in the mix and I would hate to upset their lives on something I could not prove.


And that is one of the options I mentioned, don't be afraid to use whatever is needed, if you feel you need to get proof.
And about your "friend", the mere fact that he was still texting with your wife, even in your house and with you in the room after you confronted him the first time, is already enough disrespect to justify you throwing him out IMO.


----------



## jerry123

navytex said:


> I do hear what everyone is saying, I really do. And yes, I am being too much of a "nice guy". But until I actually recover the text messages and get proof, I don't think it will truly set in that they are cheating. I have known this guy for a long time and it is almost inconceivable that he would do something like this.
> 
> Now, with all that being said, I will get proof, whether from her phone or VAR's like everyone has mentioned. And I will take swift action once I have it. But I cannot make drastic decisions based off of the number of text messages that were sent and received and call it a PA without proof. I already know that it is an EA and have been dealing with that for a little while now. I have 2 girls in the mix and I would hate to upset their lives on something I could not prove.




Totally understand. And you are doing it correct. Gather evidence and not a word more about this guy to your wife. You said your peace and she knows it. If you do find proof don't ever, and I mean ever let her know how you got it. Come here first, for everything. 

Thing is, your friend got the message but your wife did not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Bobby5000

Kick the guy out if that has not been done, tell him never talk, text, email your wife, and realize that the two of them have played you good. I think the first step is to lean on this manipulative SOB you somehow call a friend. 

I missed some of this thread but you are some friend. Hey Jack, next time you go out stock the fridge with some corned beef and beer, I tend to work up a sweat doing your wife, so I'd need some good food and drink in the house.


----------



## beverly2015

Men and women can't be just friends.

I use to believe that but I have learned better over the years. She has to be willing to stop all texts and time alone as well as he should move out immediately. If she's not, then you should split. I realiZe thays easier said than done (I myself am still working on this ) but I know you can do better and find someone who truly wants to be with you.


----------



## Yeswecan

navytex said:


> I do hear what everyone is saying, I really do. And yes, I am being too much of a "nice guy". But until I actually recover the text messages and get proof, I don't think it will truly set in that they are cheating. I have known this guy for a long time and it is almost inconceivable that he would do something like this. The farmer said the same sh!t about the fox.
> 
> Now, with all that being said, I will get proof, whether from her phone or VAR's like everyone has mentioned. And I will take swift action once I have it. But I cannot make drastic decisions based off of the number of text messages that were sent and received and call it a PA without proof. I already know that it is an EA and have been dealing with that for a little while now. I have 2 girls in the mix and I would hate to upset their lives on something I could not prove.


NT...you have enough to toss the OM out of the house. His running record is less than stellar. He has seen you W as an easy target. I can guarantee you the text messages were nothing but bad things about you and the marriage. OM is the understanding empathetic white knight here to rescue your W from this life of misery. For me, there is enough circumstantial evidence to convict both. But that is just me.


----------



## navytex

It is very hard to see thru her anger as actual blameshifting. We didn't have the greatest marriage before he came into the picture and a lot of stuff that we have been fighting about actually centers around me and her before he was here. I believe that is at least half of where her anger comes from. Him being here only intensifies it. Don't get me wrong, I am mad as hell about what she has done and continues to do, but find it a delicate situation to deal with rather than going "scorched earth" because of that. I don't want to lose her but she has to wake up or there will be nothing left.


----------



## ButtPunch

navytex said:


> I don't want to lose her


She is already gone. Scorched earth once you get evidence is your only chance of waking her up and bringing her back.

She's f**cking your friend behind your back in your own home and you don't want to lose her. 
That's codependent behavior.


----------



## ConanHub

navytex said:


> It is very hard to see thru her anger as actual blameshifting. We didn't have the greatest marriage before he came into the picture and a lot of stuff that we have been fighting about actually centers around me and her before he was here. I believe that is at least half of where her anger comes from. Him being here only intensifies it. Don't get me wrong, I am mad as hell about what she has done and continues to do, but find it a delicate situation to deal with rather than going "scorched earth" because of that. I don't want to lose her but she has to wake up or there will be nothing left.


If she wants to talk about your marital issues then tell her to engage with you and work on them or GTFO!

She can't have a Goddamned boyfriend and a marriage!

She either works with you or gets.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ButtPunch

She still thinks she can give him sh*t cause she hasn't been caught 
red handed yet.


----------



## Yeswecan

navytex said:


> It is very hard to see thru her anger as actual blameshifting. We didn't have the greatest marriage before he came into the picture and a lot of stuff that we have been fighting about actually centers around me and her before he was here. I believe that is at least half of where her anger comes from. Him being here only intensifies it. Don't get me wrong, I am mad as hell about what she has done and continues to do, but find it a delicate situation to deal with rather than going "scorched earth" because of that. I don't want to lose her but she has to wake up or there will be nothing left.


You are blame shifting on yourself brother. Own 50% of the problems in your marriage. Your W gets the other 50%. The BS of texting 10000 time to OM is 100% your W. You see, your W should have worked with you in working on the marriage. She chose to go the other direction, text thousands of times to OM and blame you for it. Get off the band wagon of not wanting to lose your W. She is gone brother. There are 10000 text attesting to that fact. My W text 3000 times a month. Of these text 1500 are to her friend(female) cousin girl talk. The rest are me and the kids. Look at the numbers between wives. See a difference?


----------



## anchorwatch

So she's pissed and resentful you haven't payed attention to her. You're pissed and resentful she hasn't given you any respect or intmacy. Both passively spiteful not willing ro give in? How's that so far? Close?

The difference is she thought cheating was a way to feel better. How would she have felt is you went and found a woman friend?


----------



## navytex

I know, better than anyone, what I have done to screw up my marriage, and I do own that. She on the other hand does not. Anchorwatch, you are correct, we have never been any good at communicating and when something happens, we both just shut down. But I do give in, way too much. If I never brought anything up, it would not even get mentioned. I know and see the texts and the joking around they do and I know that she is already gone, just have to get in my head of what I have to do.


----------



## jerry123

anchorwatch said:


> So she's pissed and resentful you haven't payed attention to her. You're pissed and resentful she hasn't given you any respect or intmacy. Both passively spiteful not willing ro give in? How's that so far? Close?
> 
> The difference is she thought cheating was a way to feel better. How would she have felt is you went and found a woman friend?




She probably would welcome it for him to have a [email protected] girl buddy. That would leave her to not worry about him asking her for sex and she could get all the sex from this guy. If that's what is going on with them two. 

Honestly, sadly that's how it works in affairs. 

Listen, it's still early in evidence gathering and you'll know more in a month from now. 

Be glad you found this site. Most people do it all wrong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Yeswecan

navytex said:


> I know, better than anyone, what I have done to screw up my marriage, and I do own that. She on the other hand does not. Anchorwatch, you are correct, we have never been any good at communicating and when something happens, we both just shut down. But I do give in, way too much. If I never brought anything up, it would not even get mentioned. I know and see the texts and the joking around they do and I know that she is already gone, just have to get in my head of what I have to do.


Scorched earth man. 

Currently the OM is in your castle. Get him the h-ell out of your castle. You can not work on your marriage with OM there. This is like leaving a lit match in charge of dynamite.


----------



## lifeistooshort

Tex, you've already lost her. At least for now.....what I don't see addressed here is that at this point whether they're "just friends" or not doesn't matter. If she was loyal to her husband the fact that he was not ok with this would be enough, friend would be out and she'd understand that. If I had a male "friend" and my husband was bothered by it male friend would be out. Unless my hb had a history of stupid jealousy, which he doesn't. No "friend" is worth upsetting your spouse when boundaries are questionable. By that I mean if you p!ssed and moaned because she had lunch with a girlfriend that would be your problem, but a guy living with you texting your wife constantly? She essentially just chose your friend over you, she just doesn't have the balls to end the marriage and give up the support you provide.

Her reaction tells me, as a woman, all I need to know about what's going on. This guy didn't cause you to lose her, though he probably helped, but she was already detached and you know it.....she's gone between crying about why you're giving up on her and the kids to being PO'd because you put your foot down with another man. Letting her decide if you get divorced or not will not make you more appealing.....a hard line where you tell her to GTFO and move with this scumbag might. Force her hand NOW and if there's any chance to salvage the marriage it might happen, and if not there was no chance anyway.


----------



## Iver

Keep working on retrieving the text messages. That's going to settle things very quickly if they were having a PA.

If you want the marriage to continue at that point Marriage Counseling (MC) is probably the way to go. 

I say this because of the children; if you were childless I'd say divorce her over this nonsense with the OM even if it only turns out to be an EA.


----------



## navytex

I am going to get those as soon as I can, but I already she ain't gonna want to give those up. We have already tried marriage counseling and it didn't do nothing, but maybe another try can't hurt.


----------



## jerry123

navytex said:


> I am going to get those as soon as I can, but I already she ain't gonna want to give those up. We have already tried marriage counseling and it didn't do nothing, but maybe another try can't hurt.


At some point, you are going to have to realize you are the only one working on this marriage. That will never keep a marriage together. 

As for last time you two went to MC, let me guess either she said there was no need or did not like what the MC was saying about her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## navytex

That's correct, she didn't think the MC was telling us anything we didn't already know. It also conflicted her schedule, her moodiness, her headache. But it wasn't all her either. The majority of the time, the counselor tried to focus on my anger. Who the hell wouldn't be mad about that?


----------



## Yeswecan

navytex said:


> That's correct, she didn't think the MC was telling us anything we didn't already know. It also conflicted her schedule, her moodiness, her headache. But it wasn't all her either. The majority of the time, the counselor tried to focus on my anger. Who the hell wouldn't be mad about that?


Anger management. I had anger issues. Did not realize it until I read up on it.


----------



## Yeswecan

navytex said:


> I am going to get those as soon as I can, but I already she ain't gonna want to give those up.


Of course not. Evidence of illicit activity in writing. Very hard to gas light when you have hard evidence.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

italianjob said:


> Apologies still don't make this one sided, the "friend" was a willing partecipant, not a casuality of OP's wife behaviour, and all this while accepting OPs generous help...


Never said it did. His focus should be solely on his wife's actions. He can deal secondary damage to the friend and assess levels of culpability later..


----------



## ButtPunch

navytex said:


> I am going to get those as soon as I can, but I already she ain't gonna want to give those up. We have already tried marriage counseling and it didn't do nothing, but maybe another try can't hurt.


Again you are not hearing me.

WHO GIVES A RATS A$$ WHAT SHE WANTS!

There comes a time when a man has to behave like a man. Now is that time for you. No more weakness from you.


----------



## jsmart

Your kindness toward your "friend" has been abused, and is seen as weakness by both of them. By not mate guarding your wife, her subconscious thinks you don't care. Her lizard brain isn't thinking, oh, my husband is the better man, taking care of his loser friend, It thinks, OM is strong and cunning to be willing to risk a confrontation with my husband for me. Women will always choose alpha strength over beta resources. 

I'm telling you this is way more than an EA. she's angry that you're treating her man badly. By fighting with you, she's sticking up for her man. Her lack of affection for you, means she has chosen. 

I know your gut is screaming but you're suppressing what you know to be true. Once you retrieve the deleted text messages, you'll see how far down the rabbit hole this thing goes.


----------



## Tobyboy

Why not just get the texts from your friend? If he's as innocent as he claims....he should have no problem showing you what she's texting him!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## thenub

^^^^^ I think op said his friend started deleting the texts and his wife followed suit.


----------



## Tobyboy

thenub said:


> ^^^^^ I think op said his friend started deleting the texts and his wife followed suit.


I missed that
Yup, this has PA written all over it.


----------



## navytex

Well, attempts to get the deleted text messages off of her phone have been difficult because her phone has to be rooted to recover the messages and her phone won't root for some reason, work in progress. 

I want to thank everyone that had replied to this post. It has pointed out a bunch of things that I didn't even realize about myself, my wife, and my marraige. 

For starters, she is a cheater, whether it be EA or PA, I know that now. I will be filing for divorce in 3 weeks. She shows absolutely no remorse and has even started to not wear her wedding ring. 

I looked back into the 180 and have started that again, much more stricter this time. And the most important thing I realized was that I am extremely codependent on her. Everything I do, say, or want hinges on what her feelings are. I realize now why I have been a mess, because her feelings have been long gone for a long time. Once realizing that fact and the fact that my marriage is over, I sh!t you not, I started to feel a lot better! I just have to keep my head forward until everything is said and done. Dang, I didn't realize how miserable I actually was and for how long. Codependency is a b!tch!


----------



## ConanHub

Expose her slimy proud ass and see how high and mighty she acts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MountainRunner

ConanHub said:


> Expose her slimy proud ass and see how high and mighty she acts.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:


----------



## ing

You have two choices at this point
1. Your old friend must leave the house and your wife must immediately stop all communication with this man. 

2. She agrees to divorce you.

Those are the two options that are available to your wife. no ifs or buts. Present it as such to her and tell us what she says..


----------



## ing

navytex said:


> She shows absolutely no remorse and has even started to not wear her wedding ring.


You posted while I was typing..
This says everything you need to know. There is no need to get any evidence. No need to confirm anything. 

I would still give her the yes/no choice and then you will know for sure.


----------



## navytex

Fortunately, she is not the one deciding if we get a divorce, and besides, she has already made that choice! And that is correct, I don't really need any evidence, I'm feed up with all this and done.


----------



## navytex

And exposing is the next thing to happen. I will still be the bad guy but at this point it doesn't matter


----------



## bandit.45

Move on brother. Move on...


----------



## ing

It sounds like this is the straw that broke the camels back. Years of trying to make things work and then a betrayal. Enough is enough. Goodbye


----------



## GusPolinski

Kick him out.

Simple.

DUH.

ETA: Should've read the entire thread instead of replying to the title...

Kick them BOTH out.


----------



## NoChoice

OP,
One of the saddest things about people is how they fail to see the value in something until it is gone. Your wife is interested in a triple divorcee.?. Three women could not make it work with this guy and she wants to be number 4.?. Her two girls lives matter not, you matter not, only her desire to be number 4 matters.?. How tragic. You have reluctantly come to the realization of the reality that is your life and I am truly sorry for your situation.

18 years is a long time but 19 is longer and so is 20. If she is detached and done then nothing you can do will reestablish it. She may, after becoming number 4, realize that what she had was indeed better than what she left. Then again she may not. Some people never see it.

She may coast on in this shell of a marriage for years and be content to have her cake and eat it too. Are you prepared to endure that? I have come to realize myself that once someone disconnects there is simply nothing you can do. You too can coast along with her, if you can tolerate it or you can move on. It sounds as though you have decided to move on. Regrettable but necessary if you want any possibility at happiness in a relationship. Always remember, no matter her words, her actions will speak more loudly and with more truth. This is especially true when she believes you are not looking. Good fortune to you in your journey.


----------



## navytex

What is absolutely hilarious is that my wife is now furious that he is no longer texting her, verified by phone records. She would never say anything about it but I see it in everything she does. And since I'm currently doing the 180, she is confused as to why I'm being all nice and nonchalant about everything but thinks she is in the clear for the most part. It is indeed very sad to see the people you have known for so long turn into someone that you don't even recognize. The codependency thing with me is a real eye opener and powerful, I still feel it all the time and it is a constant battle, but then I just remember how much of a sh!t she doesn't give and it all goes away.


----------



## bandit.45

Keep doing the 180 like your life depends on it. See a lawyer and get your ducks in a row. Time is on your side.


----------



## navytex

That it is, and yes the 180 is in full effect! I figure there will be more things that come out in the next 3 weeks, so we will see.


----------



## bandit.45

Do everything possible to start detaching, both emotionally and geographically.


----------



## Tobyboy

navytex said:


> What is absolutely hilarious is that my wife is now furious that he is no longer texting her, verified by phone records. She would never say anything about it but I see it in everything she does. And since I'm currently doing the 180, she is confused as to why I'm being all nice and nonchalant about everything but thinks she is in the clear for the most part. It is indeed very sad to see the people you have known for so long turn into someone that you don't even recognize. The codependency thing with me is a real eye opener and powerful, I still feel it all the time and it is a constant battle, but then I just remember how much of a sh!t she doesn't give and it all goes away.


Don't be so sure that they're not texting. As strong as this EA is....they'll find a way to communicate!!!! It's as simple as an free texting app!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GusPolinski

navytex said:


> Well, attempts to get the deleted text messages off of her phone have been difficult because her phone has to be rooted to recover the messages and her phone won't root for some reason, work in progress.


Depending on the make and model, you might have some luck w/ Wondershare Dr. Fone for Android.


----------



## synthetic

Navytex,

Read the following link. It's your ticket to awareness and freedom from this rut. It's worth thousands of dollars in counselor fees:

http://gettinbetter.com/needlove.html


----------



## lifeistooshort

This guy may not be all that interested in her. She was cheap and easy while he was living there but that may be all she's worth to him, which is why he hasn't bothered to text her. Shame that she would toss a marriage for someone who thinks to little of her, but I doubt she realizes yet that you're going to file and the marriage sounds like it's been over for a while. The lifestyle change will take more getting used to but you'll both be happier.

Not wearing her ring may actually be a manipulation tactic aimed at getting you to grovel, wait until you have her served and see what her reaction is. She'll go to pieces and cry about the kids.....kids always come up when it suits them.

Remember that at best it's because of the loss of the lifestyle and family image she had and at worst it's an act. It has nothing to do with losing you.


----------



## turnera

GusPolinski said:


> Kick him out.
> 
> Simple.
> 
> DUH.
> 
> ETA: Should've read the entire thread instead of replying to the title...
> 
> Kick them BOTH out.


Seriously? You haven't kicked him out of your house yet? 

Oy vey.


----------



## Chuck71

NTex........ The text messages hold the key. We all pretty much know what was said on them

but you want to know 100%..... I get that. If the cell plan is in your name, call the provider. 

Weightlifter has a very detailed thread on tech matters as yours.

Once you find solid evidence..... just for fun.... ask her again if there was anything going on.

Once you know the truth and she lies right to your face..... it will hurt you.... briefly

But will help you move past this. Below is a thread about being Co-D

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/155305-weeds-codependence-3.html


----------



## HobbesTheTiger

Please, buy a VAR as soon as possible so you can record every interaction with her. She might try to falsely accuse you of domestic violence. Also, keep in constant touch with your attorney, and ask him for advice on how to document the care for the kids in case things get ugly and will come down to a custody battle.

Also, google "No more mr. nice guy pdf", it's a great book available online for free. 

Furthermore, please continue to seek individual counselling to help you deal with the betrayal etc.

Best wishes


----------



## ButtPunch

navytex said:


> And the most important thing I realized was that I am extremely codependent on her. Everything I do, say, or want hinges on what her feelings are.


OUTSTANDING!

You are catching on quicker than most. Good on you to be proactive and be able to see from 50,000 ft.

Most guys on here are blinded by "LOVE" but are really codependednt. They do everything to save their already dead marriage under the guise of love for their spouse or fear for their kids future.


----------



## Chuck71

Refer to post #77 FSJ..... that is GOLD

I put up with more than I know I should to make 100% sure I gave my all

then I turn. When this occurs..... games over. No replays, no pvssy bombing, it's over.

Learn this acronym IDGAF

ps-It's my favorite


----------



## SongoftheSouth

Shipmate all I can tell you is a simple recipe for baking a happy cake in a situation like this:
Step 1) apply your fists to his face several times until satisfied
Step 2) hire good divorce attorney and do the best you can to protect your retirement
Step 3) move on and do the best you can do in life because it's short.

All the best.


----------



## Dyokemm

I graduated from the Naval Academy and did my time in the fleet post graduation.....and based on what I saw, I'm shocked that you didn't see the possibility that this POS would fool around with your WW. 

You know he is a loser when it comes to respecting M since he's failed at it three times (I wonder why that could possibly be after this fiasco?.....might he have a problem with loyalty in a M?)

I saw sh*t like this TOO many times while serving....guys who f*cked around with shipmate's W's or gf's.

I can understand you being too trusting of a W you have been M to 18 years....a mistake, but understandable, especially given your 'nice guy' traits.

But don't believe for a second that this POS had ANY boundary or respect for your M at any time....him acting like your honorable friend who didn't want to cause drama in your M was a f*cking act.

Personally, I would find it da*n near impossible not to walk up and knock a few of his teeth down his lying, scummy throat.

And the reason he is not texting your WW now?

He got what he wanted...sex from her.

And now that is blown up into drama....he just wants to walk away from it all.

Your stupid WW may have thought he cared about her, but he wants NO part of taking on a relationship with her.


----------



## Chuck71

It continues to blow my mind how mates will fool around with other's g/f or W. I have a group of 6-7

guy friends, known each other since HS (25 yrs). We had one rule... never go after a guy's g/f.

One guy wanted to go out with a girl I dated for a couple months... broke up couple years before. He came to me

before he asked her out. I had no problem at all with it, she and I just were not a match.

He knew I wouldn't care but he thought enough of me to ask. They were M 11 years, four kids.


----------



## navytex

It has been about a month since I last posted on this subject, but I figured I would give everyone an update.

Since confronting both of them things have not gone so well. My wife gave me the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech and that was when I decided that divorce was the next course of action. Since that time, she has been happy and seems to be getting what she has wanted for a long time. I have another house rented and begin moving out tomorrow. All the paperwork has been filed, and we are just waiting for the 60 day waiting period to go see the judge. We are both civil and appear to be happy, but for me it is mainly for the kids sake. I have pretty much disconnected emotionally from her but still find myself emotional at times. I still don't understand how I can want to be with her with her with all that's happened, but just remember back at all the things that I was unhappy about in the marriage and it goes away. I can see now that she has been emotionally gone for quite a while now and is quite happy about the way things have ended.

Our friend is still living here, and is saying that he will be moving out shortly, possibly out of state. And I know, everyone says that I should have kicked him out. But whatever damage was done had already been inflicted, and he has dramatically pulled back in his dealings with my wife, at least as far as I can tell. I know my wife is still infatuated with him but she still won't admit it, and she is nervous as hell that he is gonna move out.

I never did find any evidence of infidelity except for what was right in front of my face, but in truth, I didn't really look that hard. Maybe I didn't really want to know, and at this point don't really know if it mattered. Don't really know how I'm gonna do on my own, have been with her for the last 20 years. I know there will be growing pains, but at least I'm not getting raked over the coals. I see no reason to be mean or hurtful as that would only affect our children. I will have the kids half the week, and her the other half. She is getting half of my military retirement, but other than that, I'm keeping pretty much whatever I want, I truly believe she just wants me gone. There is really not a whole lot more to say, except that things can only get better from here. 

The only piece of advice I have to give at this point is to really watch what happens in your marriage. I really have been on autopilot for the last couple of years and I'm pretty positive that this is what destroyed my marriage. And never take anything for granted. Things that you thought were here to stay and that would never happen to you will one day turn around out of the blue and smack you right in the face. And lastly, if you are not happy and can change it, do it. Thanks for everyone's advice and for letting me vent.


----------



## farsidejunky

Glad to see the update, brother.

I believe your wife is going to have a melt down once he and you are both out of the picture.

I am not telling you that to get your hopes up, but rather to forewarn you.

Other than that, I do not know how you can stomach that POS still being there. He would be living on the streets if it were me.


----------



## happyman64

Far side is right.

Your buddy should have been told to move out before you do.

I wonder if he will ever move out once your gone.

And him staying on after your wife separates/divorces you will be a real bad example for your kids.

Don't let that happen.

HM


----------



## ButtPunch

Thanks for the update. It takes time to grieve and recover. 
You will get there. Continue to 180 and detach emotionally.
Work on your codependency so your next relationship doesn't
go bust. Counseling would be a good idea.


----------



## anchorwatch

Good luck to you, Tex. Set your course and move on.


----------



## Yeswecan

Sorry it turned out like this. But I agree with the others. Your "best friend" should have been dropped kicked last month.


----------



## depressedandexhausted

good luck, message me if you need to vent, i have no problems with that.


----------



## JohnA

Navytex, one day at a time. Be prepared fir the worst, work for the best. You have a long career in the navy that lives this everyday. Adapt this into your personal life. 

I thought we had lost you, I see many individuals start here, give up and fade away. Keep postings !!

Your children, what is your game plan on raising them ? You need dsily, weekly. monhty. yearly goals and plans. Screw we had a good time this week-end! Do you think the organization you belong to just happens along ? Post it here! This is much more then a pity party. Please share your thoughts on both their possible and real issues. Your goals and plans to help them become independent adults. 

The worst to come is the evolution in your wife's journey though the fog. Accept, but don't look for acknowledgement, that your buddy is in your wife's bed. In his mind he is still your friend, after all if not him then some other guy. Get him the fcck out of your kids lives. He is who he is, and will continue to destroy their lives. More later


----------



## JohnA

Read F-102 post's here

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/41508-emotional-affairs-sob-story.html

This why she is in the fog. Him ? Can someone find the post about how a player works and repost it?

Know these things and use them to protect and rebuild your's and children's lives. 

To be blunt I read your last post and sense a beaten man who has given up. F that, what was that famous navy guy John Paul something said? We are here, where are you ?


----------



## Dyokemm

navytex,

Get that sh*tbag out of your house and away from your kids ASAP.

I think happyman is right....he is just time-serving right now waiting for YOU to leave so he can pick back up with your WW.

And find the info to prove the A and EXPOSE her slimy a** to both your families and all friends....make her own it.

Right now, you are essentially letting her remove you from your family life like some type of replaceable part.

If you don't make her own this crap with everyone, POS will soon be off with her and your kids playing 'dad' at family functions and friend get-togethers.

Get that f*cking scumbag out of your children's home immediately!

Stop passively accepting your life being torn apart by these two cheating POS's!


----------



## italianjob

Dyokemm said:


> navytex,
> 
> Get that sh*tbag out of your house and away from your kids ASAP.
> 
> I think happyman is right....he is just time-serving right now waiting for YOU to leave so he can pick back up with your WW.
> 
> And find the info to prove the A and EXPOSE her slimy a** to both your families and all friends....make her own it.
> 
> Right now, you are essentially letting her remove you from your family life like some type of replaceable part.
> 
> If you don't make her own this crap with everyone, POS will soon be off with her and your kids playing 'dad' at family functions and friend get-togethers.
> 
> Get that f*cking scumbag out of your children's home immediately!
> 
> Stop passively accepting your life being torn apart by these two cheating POS's!


^^^^ I couldn't agree more.

You're moving out of your house and he stays???????????????????
Taking possession of your family?????????

How ****ed up is that?

If you have to move kick him out first, grow some please!


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## JohnA

One last thought on finding proof: your friend is a "navy seal" and you are a "high school wrestler" at best when it comes to this area.


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## Acoa

navytex said:


> Our friend is still living here, and is saying that he will be moving out shortly, possibly out of state. And I know, everyone says that I should have kicked him out.


He isn't your friend. If he was, he would have never stayed after that first confrontation. A friend has your back, and wants you to be happy. He has been a selfish POS. And you should still kick him out. If the wife want's a civil divorce, it starts with him being out. 

Invest in a nanny cam and point it at your bed. My guess is you'll have your proof in under a week. That will settle any lingering guilt you have over what you could have done 'better'. Because the answer is not a damn thing. Your WW decided to invest herself into this friend rather than with you. That's her choice. She made it. You can't change that. 

Now, does that mean you were a good husband, or couldn't have invested more in the relationship? no, not really. Just that if she was so unhappy as to want to find another man, she should have left you first. 

My advice, don't move out until after he does. And kick him out. Go home, pack his **** and put it outside. If he doesn't have a car yet, call him a cab, and pay the cabbie to take him to a hotel. Hand him a trespass notice for good measure. That way if you ever catch him at the property you can have him arrested. 

It sucks that you are going through this. Focus on the kids. Talk to a good divorce lawyer. And don't do anything that risks your ability to spend as much time with them as possible. Courts are looking more favorably on Dads as caregivers. I have joint legal custody and am the residential parent for mine.


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## Clay2013

Acoa said:


> He isn't your friend. If he was, he would have never stayed after that first confrontation. A friend has your back, and wants you to be happy. He has been a selfish POS. And you should still kick him out. If the wife want's a civil divorce, it starts with him being out.
> 
> Invest in a nanny cam and point it at your bed. My guess is you'll have your proof in under a week. That will settle any lingering guilt you have over what you could have done 'better'. Because the answer is not a damn thing. Your WW decided to invest herself into this friend rather than with you. That's her choice. She made it. You can't change that.
> 
> Now, does that mean you were a good husband, or couldn't have invested more in the relationship? no, not really. Just that if she was so unhappy as to want to find another man, she should have left you first.
> 
> My advice, don't move out until after he does. And kick him out. Go home, pack his **** and put it outside. If he doesn't have a car yet, call him a cab, and pay the cabbie to take him to a hotel. Hand him a trespass notice for good measure. That way if you ever catch him at the property you can have him arrested.
> 
> It sucks that you are going through this. Focus on the kids. Talk to a good divorce lawyer. And don't do anything that risks your ability to spend as much time with them as possible. Courts are looking more favorably on Dads as caregivers. I have joint legal custody and am the residential parent for mine.


Great advice but most of this was suggested over a month ago. I doubt he is going to do any of this. 

Nothing wrong with wanting to do things your own way but sadly I think he is just set on learning it the hard way. 

Sorry 

C


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## navytex

This is all great advice and you are right, all things that have been said in the past. But everything is not as black and white as it seems to be. If they are fccking, then so be it, she can have him. And if I need to fight for custody later on down the road, then I will, but right now, I have to get myself on a more stable ground and the only way I can do that is too remove myself from this house. It's already a done deal, I already have a house rented and begin moving today. I have tried everything that I can think of, and no, removing him from this house is not going to stop or prove anything. He is going to move out, just not as soon as I am. Let her have her fling, if that is what she really wants. I now know that I am not what she wants and that is fine, the marriage is over and at some point, she is going to have to come to terms with that.

Do I sound like a broken man? Maybe so, who wouldn't be. Do I have a set of nuts? Yes, I am the one that filed for divorce, I am the one doing everything to separate. If I left it up to her, we would just hang in limbo for years, and I can't do that. I can't change her anymore than I can change the tide, but I can change myself, and that's what I am doing. Am I doing things the hard way? Maybe so, I have taken a lot of the advice given here and applied it but there are some things that she is going to have to learn for herself. I have done a lot of thinking, and there are a lot of things I could of done better, a lot things I could have said early on that maybe would have made a difference, but I chose to do the opposite. I am just as much at fault as she is and I am owning up to them. 

Where do I go from here? I am going to a better place and will be bringing my kids with me. All I can do is set a good example for them to follow and be the bigger person in all of this. Kids always know the truth and it will come out, no matter how much she tries to shield them from it. I never really realized how miserable I really was until this all started, this was all just a catalyst that brought it to the front. We have been miserable for years and it was turning me into someone that I didn't recognize. I didn't enjoy anything anymore, everything I did was based on her mood, what she thought and wanted, and I made no decisions for myself. 

I really do appreciate all the advice, and I have gone back and reread a lot of it. I have a plan in motion that feels like the right course of action for me and my kids. Thanks for listening.


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## jerry123

I hear ya...it would be totally different if you were staying together and she was remorseful. 

At this point you don't care what happens in her life. You have your own life to be an awesome guy some other woman will get. 

I'd be in the same frame of mind by thinking let him have her. She's his problem now. 

I'm sure this guy is thinking he's got it made now with you gone. He will just use her till he done then move on. At that point you ex will hit rock bottom and maybe try to get you back. 

And stop blaming yourself. It my opinion it's nothing to do with you. You just married a low life cheater. Learn from this and weed out future women.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Clay2013

My only advice for you is once you walk out that door do not look back. Do not let her talk to you about anything other than the children or the divorce. Never open the door for her to mess with your mind. Her relationship with this guy won't last. Once he is gone on to his next conquest she will be crying and needing someone to be there. Do not allow that person to be you.

This is where your children will pull there real morals from and determination. They will see they also do not have to put up with this kind of treatment and you will be there example. 

C


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## Chuck71

JohnA said:


> Read F-102 post's here
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/41508-emotional-affairs-sob-story.html
> 
> This why she is in the fog. Him ? Can someone find the post about how a player works and repost it?
> 
> Know these things and use them to protect and rebuild your's and children's lives.
> 
> To be blunt I read your last post and sense a beaten man who has given up. F that, what was that famous navy guy John Paul something said? We are here, where are you ?


*************************************PULLED FROM Ckone1800s THREAD***************************

Print this off and let your wife read it, it makes the point better than most can.

Findingmyway was a player, I don't know if he comes on here much now, but he did leave a point of view thread although I can't find it. .:
***********************************************

My perspective- as a serial cheat. Before I start, I'm no GQ model look alike and I'm not wealthy.

For me, it was always about extra sex. The thrill of the chase and ego boost was a plus, but I just wanted more sex than my wife did. I always loved my wife and certainly never ever wanted to leave her or lose her. Especially not over someone else's wayward wife.

I had a simple method. I used it because it worked. I targeted married women. I figured they were safer for several important reasons.
1- Less likely to be sleeping around with random guys (STDs).
2- Less likely to pull the crazy girlfriend BS and call my wife.
3- In case of an unwanted pregnancy, I had a built in schmuck to pay the tab and would have claimed to have had a vasectomy.

The most important part of being a player is to hide it. I started with shy looks making certain I'd get caught and then doing my best to look embarrassed. If she started to come around more or dress sexier then I'd try a safe compliment. If she called me on my BS (yes, it happened) I simply acted highly offended. After all, I'm a married family man. That usually got me an apology. A few really smart ones just avoided me altogether.

If she accepted the compliment, I knew I had a chance. I never ever wasted time with someone that I didn't want to bed. If the compliment was successful, I simply followed with more as time permitted and just let things develop. Who knew where it would go? When she would speak with me about her frustrations with her husband (they always complained about their husband) I used that to my advantage. If they complained that he didn't do enough with the kids, I was dad of the year. If he didn't help out around the house, I did everything at home so my wife didn't have to. Yes, it was complete BS, but so what. My job was to make them feel special, pretty and needed and to paint the fantasy. After all, my goal was not conversation or friendship. I wanted to score.

Once things progressed and I had to keep it intense unless it was simply a once and done kind of thing. I would do that by pushing her boundaries for sex. Anal, public hook-up whatever. Keep in mind, I'm in it for the sex so I tried for everything I liked and heard more than once statements like... I never even let my husband do that. That was usually with anal, but sometimes public hook-ups also.

I certainly didn't want to be paying for hotel rooms out my pocket. If she wanted to pay, that was fine. Otherwise, we could hook-up anywhere, it didn't matter to me.

I always advised them to keep the secret between us, because it was so special. Actually, I didn't want to get busted. If they got busted, and some did. That was their tough crap to deal with. I certainly never vowed to love/honor/cherish them.

As I look back, I'm stunned at how easy it was and how many fell for my crap. I had some that would try to pull away and I'd feed them the star crossed lovers BS, you know... kept apart by the cruel hand of fate. That worked like magic to seal the deal. I also used things like I think my wife may have cheated on me. Then I'd work in how I got tested for STDs and it was clear and somehow manage to mention my vasectomy (never had one). Understand? I'm safe, you won't catch anything if you sleep with me and I won't get you pregnant. That was the message.

The one thing that sent me running was the fear of getting caught and sometimes I just wanted a quick bang and wasn't in it for a couple of months of an affair. I'm still also amazed by how many didn't see through my crap either. They didn't have to deal with the day to day stresses that adults face with me (finances, mortgages, car payments, child care, time commitments, etc.). With me, it was just fun and sex. The poor bastard at home didn't have a chance once the play was in motion. It also helped me to see him as a douche-bag when his wife whined about him for whatever reason.

I work with a woman that has lost everything over an affair with me. The house, husband, family, etc. It's difficult to see. She hates me now, but I never vowed anything to her or forced her to do anything. That's her tough crap. Her kids are in therapy, their grades tanked and she's struggling financially and the kids blame her, etc. Honestly, I wish she'd quit so I didn't have to see her every freaking day.


I do know a few like me that I consider even worse. They brag and laugh about getting wayward wives to do things and try to get email or text proof to show off. It's pretty easy, just tell her how much he liked doing X with her last night and let her respond. Then they had proof to brag about and trade notes. I didn't do that. I just wanted the sex and avoided the women they talked about. I liked to find the ones who would seem to be the last to ever do anything like this. Goes back to my 3 reasons.

I never flirted with a married woman unless I wanted in her pants. Plain and simple, you do have to hide it so they don't see it coming, but it's really that basic. Other players use different methods, but we all use what works and modify sometimes if we're not progressing to try a different angle. Not all women are the same, and sometimes deviations are required if she'll let you in her pants.

It was never about love, just sex. I sold the fantasy, yes. But that is all it ever was. A fair trade. They were adults and quite frankly should have known better. Am I a predator, I certainly never thought so and I certainly never thought about what would happen to them when we were done. Yes, all my affairs ended. Most stayed married to their H they *****ed about and screwed around on. Therefore, he must not have been that bad. People just get caught up with unrealistic expectations on life I think. For goodness sake, Prince charming is only charming because he wants a blow job.

Before I close, I'll say this as well. An engaged woman would have worked for me also, but I never found one that would go for me. Also, newly married women are much harder to get. I had the best luck with women who had been married for at least several years, throw a kid or two in the mix and they were usually more susceptible to being chased.

It was a fair trade. Attention and compliments for sex.


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## Chuck71

If you do leave the house, D her on grounds of adultery. If they are shacking up.... there is your proof.

When you leave the house................. take the kids with you.

You'll see a reaction..... I guarantee it


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## turnera

She's giving you the kids?


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## navytex

We are sharing the kids 50/50


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## Chaparral

Its hard to believe any man would walk away and leave his kids to another man in his own house. Your lack of understanding human nature has resulted in your wife trading you for a new model.

Your entire story, from letting an adult male live in your house, to leaving him in your place now, has been one wrong decsion after the other.

The result is you've lost your wife and kids to another man. You haven't taken one bit of advice and now you reap what you sow.


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## Chaparral

turnera said:


> She's giving you the kids?


Yeah right, they will soon be calling the other man dad.


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