# Post baby - love life :-(



## didadi (Mar 12, 2012)

Hello people, my first post here,so go easy. .
First to start with, I'm an Asian - with high sex drive..(nothing new here I suppose) and we had our first kid 10 months ago. 

As on date, the kid sleeps through the night,but is very active during daytime and my spouse gets quite tired! Understandable).....But since the baby's birth - our sessions has been really infrequent. May be 4-5 times a month. Even before baby its always me who made the first move .

Honestly, marriage has been ok so far,but nothing really stellar. The baby between us is bringing lot of joys and work. .,but the personal life has been quite non-existent of late. What are your thoughts? Is this just a phase to ride it out?

Lastly, my spouse is on the 'angrier' side of equation. Has less patience, more arguments and fatigued than I am. This will definitely affect her urge,but overall - its been a slightly discouraging so far. Your thoughts, help will be appreciated.


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

Is your wife nursing? For me it was very tiring and my breasts were a wreck. I didn't want to have my husband near them. Do you help with the baby when you get home? I was a SAHM, and it was exhausting. You don't even get to pee in peace. I can say she doesn't feel sexy probably and needs help so she can get out of mommy mode. Can you do the bedtime routine so she can relax and change gears?


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## didadi (Mar 12, 2012)

She is SAHM,but I help as well. May not be up to her mark, but I do what you said just now. (Bedtime,or even mornings from 8-10AM or so)...My work hours are flexible,so thats a good thing. She is not nursing now.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You say that she is exhausted. She most likely does not feel sexy or pretty now.

How often does you wife get out to do things without the baby? 

Of often do you take her out on a date? 

How many hours a week do the two of you spend just doing things, the two of you gether doing things together?


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## didadi (Mar 12, 2012)

How often does you wife get out to do things without the baby? 
Almost nil (For all questions!), although - I'm encouraging her to get out. Problem is kiddo is so attached to her, - its almsot impossible to go alone.! We even tried a gym etc,with baby-sit area and its not working.

Biggest problem is that just 2 of us - and managing kid in itself is a task


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

do you go out without the baby? Date night? Its very hard to turn of the mommy thing in our heads. Its a 24/7 job and we need to be reminded/desired for being a woman, not a mother. I speak from experience (and not in a good way) I let mommyhood take over and my husband and I were not great at making time for us without the kids until recently, and boy what a difference!

I also did not like the changes in my body and felt very un-sexy and blob-like. I did nurse for a year, and could not loose the weight. I could not cut calorie intake, or my milk supply plummeted. Has she conveyed any body issues? If so, she is really looking for reassurance. Falls in the "Does this make my butt look fat" category

After childbirth, you feel like a different person. Your life is not your own anymore and she needs to be romanced. I can't say how important dates are when there are kids. Lesson learned here!


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

I was too slow. Yes, the baby doesn't like being separated from you guys, but... keep at it. She has to have her time and time just the two of you. That unfortunately is the solution to your lack of intimacy problem. She never gets out of mommy mode.


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## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

Your child is 10 months old, it would do her or him some good to explore new interesting things at someone else's house. It's good to socialize your child as often as possible, so when he/she is older they don't stay to dependent on their mom. I have a 19 month old at home and a friend of mine has a 22 month old. My little girl is a social butterfly who doesnt cry when she gets left with aunts, friends ect. My best friends daughter spends most of her time with mommy because she can be a real brat for everyone else lol. No one likes to babysit a whiny butt. I'm not saying your ten month old is a brat mind you, just that social interaction does wonders and makes mommy feel less sad leaving her child with someone when the child wants to be left there.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Be patient and persistent with your wife. I second the suggestions about date nights. As for her being angry and tired, help her as much as you can around the house. Give her massages at the end of the day. Make sure you talk openly about resentments, both yours and hers.

Let her know that the most important thing that you can do for your child is to keep your marriage strong.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

didadi said:


> How often does you wife get out to do things without the baby?
> Almost nil (For all questions!), although - I'm encouraging her to get out. Problem is kiddo is so attached to her, - its almsot impossible to go alone.! We even tried a gym etc,with baby-sit area and its not working.
> 
> Biggest problem is that just 2 of us - and managing kid in itself is a task


It is normal for a 10 month old to show a very strong attachment to his mother. But there are ways to deal with this. 
Your wife need some time to herself to go out and feel good about herself… get a makeover, a massage, go to a spa, lunch with her girlfriends. 

Then the two of you need to spend about 15 hours a week doing date like things… go for a walk and hold hands, have tea and talk about things.. share, a date night each week.

So how do you do this? The baby goes to bed early every night. Then she can have a nice relaxing bath with a glass of wine… better yet the two of you take a bath together if you have a big tub. Some nights watch TV and hold hand/snuggle, give her a back rub… non-sexual touching is very important to a woman.

You can also bring in a baby sitter to watch your son while the two of you are at home. This way you and your wife and pay attention to each other and your baby can be cared for in a different room.. but you are not far away. This makes the baby feel safe in learning to be with other people.

On date nights.. if you have a friend or relative you can trust.. have them come over to watch the baby. Make sure it’s someone who the baby knows. Put your baby to sleep and then leave.


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## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

Also when my daughter was 10 months old I was exhausted constantly too. And had a shorter fuse In general due to lack of sleep , resent for my husband not helping out enough and taking care of a little miracle who is sweet perfect and VERY emotionally draining. Even if she's. Not breast feeding anymore she could be still producing Brest milk which will wreak havoc on her hormones too. I do agree with most replies to try your best to make time for just you too as often possible. Your wife seems so wrapped up in the joys of having a child she seems to have forgotten that wonderful person she chose to create that child with. You need a good way to re- remind her  maybe a mini vacation just the two of you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Another thing that comes to mind for your wife. Has she tried joining a play group? the babies get to play together... good socialization for the babies.. and your wife can relax and meet other women with babies the same age. Often the women in these groups end up swapping baby sitting so that they call get a chance to go out with their husbands.


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