# I need more time - long post, sorry



## jackieb (Jan 21, 2012)

I am in a terrible situation now and I hope that someone can give me some advice.

My husband and I have been married for 13 years and have 1 child born shortly after we married. We had dated for about 8 years before we were married, so I thought I knew him well. After the first few years of dating, I started losing interest in sex. We had some conflict over this but he finally stopped saying anything about it. Looking back, this was around the time that he started to bury himself in his career and distance himself from me. I think now that we got married because I was pregnant but not for any other important reason.

A year after we married, he went through a severe stress-related depression and started drinking. He became verbally abusive although he never hit me. Several times, he had to go into detox. Finally, he got sober again, rebuilt his career and became (I have to admit) a great breadwinner and provider. We still had the conflict that I felt my needs for companionship were not being met and he felt his sexual needs were not being met. In addition, there are loss issues from my childhood and young-adulthood that I refuse to talk about, so he said he always felt left out of what I was feeling, although I told him that those old issues were not important and only painful for me. Anyway, we talked about going to counseling, but everything settled back into its old safe routine and we never went.

He has always had anger issues in general, but I think he always felt guilty about his bad period and usually restrained himself. Still, after one particularly bad blowup 4 years ago, he walked out and got his own apartment. He travels a lot for work, so the arrangement we settled into is that I remained a stay-at-home mom and he still paid the bills. Again, we talked about counseling, but never did anything about it. For all intents and purposes, we stopped interacting with each other, and I didn't really miss him, to be honest. I had our daughter to concentrate on, I had some friends and my life was not stressful. 

Just a few weeks ago he walked in and announced that he wanted a divorce, with a whole plan about how I would be financially taken care of until I could get a career of my own started. He asked me, "you don't want me anymore anyway, right?" I agreed, he said ok and left. He wrote me a nice email afterwards saying that each of us had expected the other to make the first move for years, and it had finally been too long, and all feelings had finally died.

I don't know why I agreed with what he said, I think it was because he was being so forceful. I really don't want a divorce. At the same time, I don't think I love him. So I don't know why I don't want him to leave me completely. He is not a bad person and we have had fun together, and he is a very affectionate and loving father. He is definitely not a cold and distant person. Maybe this is why I don't want to lose him.

He has mentioned several times that "it's going to be good to finally get on with life" and last time I saw him, he said he wanted to be clear that we were both free to start seeing people. I am feeling very depressed now and even though I still don't feel great love, I would like to try and see if we could make something happen that could become love. Something feels right being with him and I am only recognizing that now. But at the same time, I also know that I have abandonment issues and am suspicious that this is my mind just afraid to lose a stable situation, which would be unfair to him. I need more time, and maybe some help, but if I start talking about counseling now, he will think I'm crazy and really start to suspect I'm after his money.

Can anyone suggest how I might express all this in a way that would make him give me a chance? And how can I convince him that it might be worth a chance? I have already asked him if he is seeing someone now and he said no, so that wouldn't be a factor.


----------



## ProfJ (Jul 28, 2011)

In a post that I made in a different thread, I mentioned that my husband and I were like poker players playing a sick game of "who's going to yield first?" I yielded, and poured out everything to him. Instead of my stbxh being swept off his feet and realizing that we do need to give our marriage a chance. He felt puffed up, and acted even more arrogant. And so, I threw the towel and lost all respect for him.
I believe it's what you need to do, give it a shot, and see how your husband reacts. That way you won't forever wonder about nagging "what ifs." Tell him what you want and feel. it seems like he's been wanting to communicate with you all this time but just don't understand how to do it anyway....
good luck and I'm sorry you are in this situation.


----------



## nick15 (Jan 17, 2012)

Hi Jackieb. I am one of many I'm sure will give differing opinions on your life story and how you may desire to proceed from here. I can certainly hear your anguish over your situation. I think I also pick up on a certain denial of your relationship on how to proceed. Counsleing is always a strong resource on not to lay blame, but on how to see things in ourselves that have to be worked on. I don't know that at this point from what I gather that the both of you are in a place where it can be done together. It does seem as if your husband is at peace with moving on and maybe he feels the same from you. I would definately get counseling right now for yourself and if you need to keep that private that is your business. I'm glad to read that he wants to financially take care of you. I think you are holding on tight onto something that may have all ready gone it's course. How I know, I had been doing the same thing. My marriage was basically emotionally dead or dying. I enjoyed the partnership as we liked siimilar foods, movies and general things. My wife's children that are in their young 20's made horrible life choices and have been guilting their mother for years. Mom, in turn enables their behaviors thus wise leaving me in the cold. I was waiting in hopes that she would see enough of their horrible behaviors bringing their own children into the world etc without regard to their futures. My wife took on the dear in headlight stares and I lost her. She stood up to them as long as she could, but the kids used their kids as a weapon against me and I lost. I went to a counselor and she told me of my councerns. I asked her point blank to please not soft play me that i could take anything at this point and give me her strong opinion on the situation. Basically, she said I was living in a crisis situation and handed me a piece of paper with a list of sentences that all pertained to one thing. How to let go.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

But it is about wanting his money - you want him to continue to support you. One thing to consider is that he met someone that he cares about and wants to be free to persue a relationship. 

Why are you unable to move ahead with your life? This limbo cannot last forever. Being financially independent may help you make a decision out of love and compassion instead of a desire to keep with the status quo. 

This may be just the push you need to get out of a static situation. You are not living as much as existing. Moreover, what is your daughter seeing as a model of relationships between men and women.

If for nothing else, make the change for her. She may come of age thinking that she can have a child and get the financial support of the father with out the inconvenience of living with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You want the status quo to continue because it worked for you. He pays the bills, he doesn't see other women, he leaves you alone to have your life. He's the perfect provider, gives everything asks nothing.

Now he's finally found his spine and woken up to realize he is living a lonely empty life. Good for him.

You are now affraid because he's growing a pair and getting set to recapture the life he has been missing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Jackie,

From the limited information you've shared about your past, I'm left to infer that it's likely you are emotionally broken.

You've mentioned "issues" from childhood. Did some of them include some form of abuse?

If so, I can likely relay some things to you that would be very important for your husband to know - if it's not too late.

Be as honest with us as you've needed to be with him.


----------



## jackieb (Jan 21, 2012)

I was orphaned as a child and adopted. Then I lost my adoptive parents in another accident. My husband knows that part of course, but there are many painful memories surrounding the circumstances that I can't talk about. There was definitely no abuse.


----------



## jackieb (Jan 21, 2012)

I am still trying to absorb everything that has been said so far. Thank you for the answers.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jackie,

Perhaps it's time you start seeing a counselor to deal with your issues surrounding your issues. Not talking about them is mentally unhealthy. It takes a lot of energy to keep these types of issues pushed own, to hold down the pain and feeling they cause. To get on with you life you have to let them out and deal with them once and for all.

And you have to do the same with the issues around your marriage.

As others have stated, your response to your husband bringing up divorcing has more to do with you not wanting you situtation to change. He's been a very caring husband by maintaining you all these years.

If you truely cared about your marriage you would have done somethign about repairing it a long time ago. 

Your daughter is 12 now. She's in school much of the day. There is no reason that you cannot get whatever education needed and start supporting yourself. It's time.

What are you interested in doing with your life? What careers have you contemplated?


----------



## xpat (Jan 10, 2012)

When I started reading this, I thought you were my wife. My story is the same in many ways, and my wife also suffered considerable tragedy when she was younger, although not as terrible as yours. My reaction -- to provide for her financial future but get out of the marriage -- is the same. I don't know what her feelings are, and some things confused me about her contradictory reactions, but after reading your post, I can now start to get a handle on it. So thank you.

Assuming your husband and I are similar in our motivations, you might want to think about how we did take our vows, but didn't intend to sign up for lifetimes with wives who could not or would not deal with their demons. I am no longer angry with my wife, but the lack of intimacy, both in the physical and emotional senses, has finally worn me down. I can't live like this any more. In the end, it is the lack of soulful communication even more than the lack of sex that has broken it.

I also strongly urge you to seek counseling and therapy for your past traumas, but I think you will need to let your husband go, if his situation is anything like mine. He has also suffered greatly from an unnatural situation and to prolong it more than it already has been, while you go through the long overdue process of healing, would be a needless cruelty. There is also the chance that when you finally achieve self-discovery, you will find that he is indeed not the man for your new, healthy self and he will have done it all for nothing. Seek health for yourself, and when you are healed, use that to create a new and truly fulfilling relationship with a new partner, this time chosen from a background of life experience. This is also the advice I have given my wife.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

jackieb said:


> I was orphaned as a child and adopted. Then I lost my adoptive parents in another accident. My husband knows that part of course, but there are many painful memories surrounding the circumstances that I can't talk about. There was definitely no abuse.


Jackie,

Those are very traumatic events that will have repercussions in your relationships as an adult.

Have you been to individual counseling?

If you have not, I strongly encourage you to go and study your interactions with others with laser-like precision.

It's highly likely your inability to love your husband and to give him intimacy is rooted in those childhood demons.

There may also be anger inside that you need to reconcile.

If you share with him that you are willing to do this work... it could make a difference. He may be exhausted with trying to get you to be nice to him.

It would certainly make a difference if I were him.


----------



## jackieb (Jan 21, 2012)

Thank you everyone, everything said was helpful to me, even the criticism. I hope it was clear I knew I was being selfish.

I talked to my husband about counseling, but he says that it is too late for us to try marriage counseling because he has no feelings of love for me any more, and did not believe I would ever really want him. But he said he would always be there as my friend if I needed help. I think I just need to try therapy and hope and not get depressed.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Marriage counseling is not what you need.

Set up individual counseling now. 2 sessions per week.

Study every negative interaction you've had with him and start working to root out the demons that caused you to behave that way. Get a handle on your inner anger and defeat it. Let it go.

Let him see you do this.

And, let it show in your interactions with him going forward.

I'm willing to bet he still loves you deeply - and was just really hoping you'd be nicer to him.


----------



## jackieb (Jan 21, 2012)

I feel like I don't deserve his love if I don't love him. Can it still be a good marriage even if I don't love him?


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

jackieb said:


> I feel like I don't deserve his love if I don't love him. Can it still be a good marriage even if I don't love him?


If you do what I'm recommending, you may find the love you believe you've lost for him.

Insight into yourself and your actions is penetrating and powerful. Be prepared to weep a few times. Be prepared to confront yourself. But, don't be afraid. The pain actually leads to a lifetime of gain.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You don't understand marital relationships Jackie. You did not have a marriage, you had a good friendship and it sounds like the friendship will not change. 

There is not much of a loss is there? Let this go and jump off that fence and start living. 

I think when you get moving, you will gradually lose your desire to depend on him. I think you will discover that you have gained much more than you lost.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> You don't understand marital relationships Jackie. You did not have a marriage, you had a good friendship and it sounds like the friendship will not change.
> 
> There is not much of a loss is there? Let this go and jump off that fence and start living.
> 
> I think when you get moving, you will gradually lose your desire to depend on him. I think you will discover that you have gained much more than you lost.


Catherine,

I totally get where you are coming from.

Yet, I've realized something on my own journey. People are in our lives to teach us something. My ex wife wasn't nearly strong enough to teach me what I needed to know - about me.

I'm totally in love with my "current" wife, and my relationship with her HAS taught me what I needed to know. I am certain that I could have "cut my losses" at anytime and "moved on" and made the EXACT SAME MISTAKES with someone else.

This relationship proves that the first one was no accident - and if you peek beneath the surface, you can find me behaving/enabling in the same counterproductive way with both partners. While Jackie may - indeed - have to move on to a partner that she truly loves (as I deeply love mine), she likely needs to learn a few things about herself first.

So, I ask, "what's the rush"? Something dysfunctional happened here. Without adjustments from her, it's likely to happen to her - again.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I agree Conrad but, it sounds as if what ever dysfunction there is, she is not willing to make a move in the direction of having a marriage. 

She wants things to remain comfortably the same. If she were willing to actually be a wife and work on her demons, that would be one thing. But to hold her husband in bondage because she is comfortable is not fair to either of them or their child. 

He enabled this dysfunction to persist. He sounds like a good man who really cares for his wife and child. But being good does not mean sacrificing his life for a woman who is not willing to move in the direction of healing.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Catherine,

Sometimes, it's beyond the current capability of someone to actually have a marriage.

Often, it simply boils down the where one partner simply isn't willing to do the necessary work to heal.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Conrad

This may sound morbid but it is on my mind when I read about people who have a chance at love but put up barriers. 

Yesterday I read a news article about what people say when they are dying. It suprised me that they did not talk about God, going to meet their maker but about love and regret. The love they could have had but let what they now realize where solvable problems get in the way. 

I thought about this many times before and I think it is true. My Dad died suddenly but I think he knew he was dying. The year before he died, he was more attentive and loving towards my mother and our family. 

He did uncharacteristic things for him. They all involved showing love. He had not been very connected with my mother or the family for the whole marriage due to his involvement with his mistress. Maybe on some level he finally saw that he had the chance at having a richer more loving life than his choices allowed. Too bad for him. 

I think the Beetles lyric is accurate, albeit simplistic, "and in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make". I want to end my life thinking about the chances I took to embrace love not turn it away. 

That puts love in a completely different light for me now than when i was younger. It seems to be the most prized gift that we are given. I wonder why it is so difficult to see that while we have a chance. 

Maybe it's because we think it is so abundant that if one love does not work another will. By the time we are ended we realize that although we are surrounded by love, there is a finite number of oppurtunities in our lives to imbrace a deep and abiding love. 

Our human nature separates us from getting our allottment. If we are lazy and refuse to grow then we don't cash in our inheritance. How stupid we are, who would leave such a valuable gift to languish! 

I keep that in mind when I start to get petty and selfish with my love. I don't want to leave my inheritance on the table. I want it all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

