# Did you feel sad, rejected and hopeless and still sucessfully bring it back together



## bossesgirl26

I am about 3wks post my wh affair. Has been an absolute rollercoaster. He broke it off with the *****. Told me he wanted to committ his life to being best husband and best father ever. Said we needed to bring God to center of our marriage. Said we needed counseling, etc. Ofcourse all sounded great to me. That is what I fought for for his 6week physical affair that resulted from 3month emotional affair. ANyway, it has been so hard. Guess I expected him to seem more remorseful, more giving of extra TLC, etc. But I have been very patient. We went to therapist Thursday and he mapped out a great plan (with our input/help) for daily steps and plans to start our process. During session my husband expressed concern to counselor that he's not in love with me, has no spark, no desire for me, etc. but does love me. Counselor's reply was well that is all natural and to be expected, you just got out of an affair. If you felt all those things prob wouldnt have had an affair. Counselor said start putting steps in place, have fun together, be nice, blah ,etc. So I was energized by our plan. Both of us agreed to willingly work on it. Well within 48 hours, my wh now says he just doesnt even know if he wants to be with me at all. He says he just doesnt know if he wants to be married to anyone, period. He says my weight gain is one of the biggest barriers to feeling a spark for me and that even if I lost weight, he still doesnt know if he could be happy. He said he doesnt want to be with me, married to me or work on anything. He was mad and yelling this. Long story short, after continued conversation, etc he said I really do wanna work on it. WTH? I am so confused, so sad and feel so rejected. I have never in my life felt so low. Just wanna know if anyone who is happily together now ever experienced anything like this? OR any other adivce input appreciated. oh and fyi- he is 40, me 37 married almost 15 yrs, 3 kids, 9 and under and together 17 Thank you


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## that_girl

> He says my weight gain is one of the biggest barriers to feeling a spark for me and that even if I lost weight, he still doesnt know if he could be happy


This is crap. He is a shallow man. He's trying to make this YOUR FAULT, which it is not.

I'll write more later...


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## Amplexor

that_girl said:


> This is crap. He is a shallow man. He's trying to make this YOUR FAULT, which it is not.


I agree, this is crap, but does not mean he is shallow. This is absolute post D-Day script from the cheater. Blame shifting. 

BG26, Yes, I was there. The hopelessness, anxiety and rejection. The sudden re-commitment from my wife followed by the INILWY speech a few days later. She even handed me a written laundry list of what a crappy husband I had been to justify her EA. We went through it all and in the end came out with a stronger marriage for it. Took a long time and was tough as hell for a while there but we made it.

Take it a day at a time. If things heighten to raised voices stop the conversation immediately and agree to let it cool then discuss the point again. Follow your counselors plan but don't expect miracles. These things take time but if you are successful it can produce a wonderful change in your marriage. For the short term you are just going to have to tough it out for a while until the emotions level off. Give him time to fully get past her, it's unfair that you should have to do that but it is a required part of the process. Make sure NC continues with OW and that you both begin to understand what each of you needs from the marriage. Good luck.


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## bossesgirl26

Amplexor,
I know every marriage is different. But how long did it take for your ws to stop this kind of stuff? I never thought of all this as a way for him to justify his affair. Makes sense why he doesnt seem to remorseful. How am I supposed to be to him meanwhile? Did you ww finally see the light of what she was saying and how she was blaming you? Also was she ever remorseful? THanks


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## bossesgirl26

Now my lovely H has decided he has NO feelings for me. If he had a place to move out to tonight, he says he would go. He told ME to figure out somewhere for him to go! Yeah right! I said well you have had some months to think about all this, figured you had a plan. We can't afford for him to get an apartment. He can't go to family. They are all old-school Catholics. We went to our priest Wednesday. He agreed to intense weekly counseling to even see if he has anything left for me. He is angry because our children (9, 6 and 4) are acting out and rejecting him. He has yelled twice lately infront of them that he's leaving and doesn't know if he will ever come back. So naturally they are devestated, hurt and scared. He says it's because they don't know if he's leaving, so he may as well leave. Whatever. I am getting sick of all this. He said his affair showed him a sex life that we could never have, because I am overweight. He says 80pct of reason he wants to D me is due to my weight. Yes I need to lose weight, but he says he has no attraction to me. He even went as far as to say he doesn't think he has ever really been attracted to me, but my personality overrode that. WTH? Talk about hurt. So as I type this I am thinking, why am I fighting for him? I guess I am holding on hope for the man I thought he was and when he was good to me. I sound so pathetic. Any advise/insight appreciated. Thank you.


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## that_girl

I am so sorry...I do know that this sentence, "He told ME to figure out somewhere for him to go! Yeah right!" made me :rofl: in disgust.

I don't have any advice at the moment...other than to let him go. He'll regret it most likely...


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## DanF

You're not pathetic, Sweetie. You love your man. Unfortunately, he is not reciprocating.
My wife and I both cheated. We were both in the fog for a while after it all came out, but I never said hateful things to or about her. She did say a few things to me that really hurt and I probably did the same, but this is over the top.

My story is old here, but here it is.
Maybe there is something there that can help
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/18394-recovering-infidelity.html


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