# newbies learn from my fail- wifes e/a with coworker



## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

History, wife and I married 12 years, me 44 her 37. this goes back about 2 years now, rumors started about wife and her cowoker from a company party that i did not attend (red flag 1) we never fully addressed them. Last summer she started wearing diff clothes to work,sexy undies, tanning (red flag 2) got on her about it and she quit wearing them. 
Same summer I went to move her cell phone off some papers and she freaked out and grabbed phone (red flag 3), this past fall she started emotionaly detaching from me (red flag4) and then the sex life started to dewindle to nothing (red flag 5).

I started into super paranoid investagator mode, asked her sevreal time over this past summer whats up, why are we drifting apart is there some one else?, got a no to that and its just a pahse were going thru and shes just not happy dosent know who she is or want she wants in life (red flag 6)

this past september, come in from outside and shes on computer and see's me and closes the lap top real quick, deer in the head lights look (red flag 7)...later that day i ask her were you emailing some guy and she says no just wired out from to much coffee.

So I install keylogger 2 weeks later and BAM, there its is, email to coworker saying she will be coiming in late, the reason why had to drop her dad off somewhere 1st and at the end saying "miss you and cant wait to see you" and his reply back was "dont worry about it, its ok, your dads whats important...

Yeah I know with all of the red flags she should have looked like a damn procupine..lol

The night before confrontation day, I tell her I got a call about her and her coworker, that something is up, and also ask was she emailing him and would she mind if I looked thru her emails? she replied that yes she did email him about something few weeks ago and I could look at her emails but it woul be like I was controlling and she had nothing to hide.the next morning (she still didnt know i had the emails already) she goes in and deltes them all and sets up her account so delted emails can not be reviewed.

So on confrotation-day, I confront, all tuff and **** at the begining and then fall apart like a little girl,crying,begging the whole sicking nine yards (Fail 1) I look back now, like who the hell was that guy? she swears it was just an e/a and not a very strong one, just close friends and we agree to work thru it, she will only have work contact, no in the room alone etc etc (yeah ok)

I did not demand she quit her job, and go no contact (fail 2)
did not get all the details, disclosure (fail 3)
did not contact OMW, let her talk me outta it because it would hurt his wife (fail 4)
make her own her **** (fail 5)
took a lot of the blame for my past **** and blamed myself for the affair (fail 6)

So we have bad days and good days over the last 3 months, tried mc, was a joke, i'm in ic (good for me) read evrything under the sun, LL, HNHN,man up, no mr nice guy,180, all kinds of posts in here all good for me, taught me to be a better me for me, started working out, great stress relevier, getting buffed..lol
talked her into ic as well. started to man up and shes noticed or so I thought...

last night out got soething to eat had a few beers, and the guy who originally called me about the rumors 2 years ago is there, (his wife and mine work at the same place) we start talking and he tells me that POS is getting divorced or is divorced, i ask when did this happen? and he says this past summer, i play it off real cool and leave after a bit.
Get home and the wife says whats wrong and I say " when were you gonna tell me that POS OM got divorced?" her reply was he's not divorced thier seperated....I was like really i wonder why?, pack your **** and get out of my house!( I wasnt mad, voice was not raised, I was as cool as a cucumber, no emotion at all) then she said you cant make me leave this is my house too...So I start laughing a little bit because it was actually funny and say "really just leave I'm done because if you want to stay here thats fine but theres no way in hell I'm leaving" and i walk in the bedroom, she follows me and says he did not leave his wife because of me,were are not and were not having an affair, then I say 'Oh really, I should believe you because youve been so truthfull with me all along, i should just take it on faith, sorry but no, and I can understand the why's it happened etc, but the part that you lied to me over and over before discovery day is was kills me, that anything you say now i cant believe".( you should have seen how far her jaw dropped, i could have driven my truck into it)

so she continues to tell me that OMW has a B/F, and I say "really, let me guess a coworker?" (another jaw dropper) she said she was stupid for not telling me and was afraid that i would take it wrong....ummm do you think?...:rofl: and then I say what about the romurs from 2 years ago, you knew about them before I did, you should have told me 1st, before i heard 2 months later from a buddy..you shhould have told me about thier seperation also.

I told her now I understand while all 3 times,I asked you about me talking with the OMW, (yeah another fail talking to her about contacting OMW) you told me each and everytime, why would you want to hurt someone else just because your in pain and your not mean and vindictive like that...and why would she care if her husband is seeing someone else, she has a B/F why would she care? ( another jaw dropper) 
Talked to her about my past **** and I owned it, and its part of the reason why we are where were at, but that I will not take accountability for her lies/deciet and her e/a, i did not make her do those things and shes got own her **** too.

The whole thing was sureal, it was almost like i was standing there watching myself, again I was so amazzed that I wasnt showing any emotion to any of it, just talking cool and collective thoughts (maned up, NMMNG. Alpha male?) I was and am so proud of myself!!!!

So we wound up having sex/making love ( 3minute marathon, I know the ladies reading this will be like wow,3 whole minutes, he's a stud..lol..kidding on that one) and then we went to sleep.
so this morning we talk somemore and I tell her that I'm not sure if i even want to try any more, lets just smile thru the holidays (Kid is coming home for the holidays) and also asked her why should I stay? what are you willing to do to keep me? do you even think you deserve me? and to think on that for a bit...

Bottom line..
Do not do some of the things I've done, talk to OMW/OWH ASAP! all of the reasons they tell why in here are good ones, I will be doing so after the holidays, they have a kid and dont want to take chance on ruinining a kids christmas...

Man up, dont beg,cry,whine, be clingy...act like a man 

You can and will get thru it, if i can you can, you really dont need them.

I think my wife fianlly gets it, she could tell that I will not put up with any more TT and any Bull**** and she knows I'm ready to walk and have a good life either with her or without her, its her choice now, she has to do the heavy lifting going forward..I am in the drivers seat of my life now and what a ride its gonna be:smthumbup:

I can honestly say I can talk the talk and walk the walk, took 3 months but damn it..I'm there


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

so will you contact OMW now?

she may have more info


----------



## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> so will you contact OMW now?
> 
> she may have more info


A big HELL YEAH! on that, like I said after the holidays, I will not take a chance on ruininng a kids christmass, maybe the OMW has b/f maybe thier seperated right now, I wont be suprised either way, just dont care about that info right now.. I would rather lose my wife for good than ruin a childs christmass...no way I can do that.


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Good for you for being cool. Shows you're becoming detached. But not detached completely because you had sex with her right away after you had asked her to leave. Your words would have more impact had you meant them.


Ummm, I hope this is not too blunt.


----------



## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

aug said:


> Good for you for being cool. Shows you're becoming detached. But not detached completely because you had sex with her right away after you had asked her to leave. Your words would have more impact had you meant them.
> 
> 
> Ummm, I hope this is not too blunt.


Point taken, but the words were the truth...and my actions sex and all, got my point across, she could see it in me, I could tell by the way she looked at me, she never has looked at me like that before.

also forgot to mention I told her anything else I need to know should be told now, if I discover anything, get a whiff of something she wont have to leave but everyhting she owns will be in the driveway when she gets home....I was and am not joking on that.


----------



## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Yeah, your story sounds a bit like mine. I said the same bull crap to hubby about contacting the OM's wife. I justified it by telling him that "you know I hate confrontations, I'm not like that", "why should we ruin their lives as well" (are you kidding?), "what about those poor kids?", "she won't throw him out anyway, he's done it it before", I could go on but you get the point, he was livid I actually said all those things, and basically said "you didn't give a **** when you were banging him, now all of a sudden you care"? This went on for months until I sorted out the emotions I had for OM, and realized I needed to do this for him, it was what he needed, and I needed to stop protecting that piece of crap.


----------



## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

strugglinghusband said:


> A big HELL YEAH! on that, like I said after the holidays, I will not take a chance on ruininng a kids christmass, maybe the OMW has b/f maybe thier seperated right now, I wont be suprised either way, just dont care about that info right now.. I would rather lose my wife for good than ruin a childs christmass...no way I can do that.


What about you? there's no good time to release this info. to OM's wife, and if she has a b/f, well to bad, so sad, I'm not encouraging revenge, but hey, do what you need to do.


----------



## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

aug said:


> Good for you for being cool. Shows you're becoming detached. But not detached completely because you had sex with her right away after you had asked her to leave. Your words would have more impact had you meant them.
> 
> 
> Ummm, I hope this is not too blunt.


I think you had sex with her because on one hand you are really angry and devested over what she has done, but on the other, you feel the need to reclaim what is yours, and yeah, it will be quick for sure. You still love her, I think it's normal, it happened with hubby.


----------



## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

working_together said:


> What about you? there's no good time to release this info. to OM's wife, and if she has a b/f, well to bad, so sad, I'm not encouraging revenge, but hey, do what you need to do.


This is not about me, if the wife is lying and there are still together and I call now and turn her life upside down, do you really think they could hold it together for thier kid over christmass?(an 11 year old) and put on a happy face. Not worth the chance for me..
.yeah I know the wife and O/M can come up with stories for her in case I call...whatever....if so sooner or later it will come out, it always does sooner or later...I'm am prepared for anything right now and am cool with it all, honestly...


----------



## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

working_together said:


> I think you had sex with her because on one hand you are really angry and devested over what she has done, but on the other, you feel the need to reclaim what is yours, and yeah, it will be quick for sure. You still love her, I think it's normal, it happened with hubby.


Thats what scares me, not mad, not hurt, no feelings about it right now, indifferent...at least if I was mad that would be an emotion...I'm think I'm trying to accept the fact its over and I know it..if so how did I get there so quickly? 

of course I love her, but I love me more...


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Your emotional empowerment story is very similar to *The 13th_Floor* and *marduk*.

Like Homer McDonald says:



> _"It’s only a preference that I get her or him back, or that they be more loving. It’s not a need. *The more that you think of it as a need, you’re not going to get it*. If it’s only a preference, you have a lot of power there. If you desperately need a loan from the bank, the bank will say no._


----------



## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

morituri said:


> Your emotional empowerment story is very similar to *The 13th_Floor* and *marduk*.
> 
> Like Homer McDonald says:


very true morituri, I told her, I want her to want me, but I dont need her to want me....its not a need

I can be a happy single man, no problems there....


----------



## StrangerThanFiction (Jul 19, 2011)

kidding. thanks for sharing your story


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

To you sir, *Paul Carrack's "Don't shed a tear"*.


----------



## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Update, the other night when we had the talk and she followed me into the bedroom, I left out that she was crying like a little kid(didnt even dawn on me that I left that out until last night),shaking, shuddering, I could see her pain and her remorse for the pain that was caused,saying how sorry she was for hurting me.
she still denied that there was anything more going on and it wasnt what I thought...I said that you just dont say to a male friend "Miss you Cant wait to see you" although I could see her pain and understand it, I had nothing, no feelings what so ever, no anger, no hurt, no glad or sad that she was huting, I had no empathy, none.....just a calmness about me....detached is the best way I could desricbe it.

she came home last night after work and I was laying down trying to nap (was a long night before)and asked if she could lay next to me and hug me, she started crying saying how sad she was and was afraid to even come home, I let her lay her head on myshoulders and told her I didnt want her to be afriad of coming home...yet again the same feeling of detachment, I layed there for a long time trying to understand what these new feelings or lack of,mean...I realized that after the other night, I can no longer be hurt by any of it, not whats happened or even if there is more to the story that I still dont know about, none of it can hurt me any longer! it just dosent matter...

It's not wall that I put up, but rather somethings taken over, all of my feelings/emotions, a gentle calmness that wont let any of my emotions/feelings take over, it calms them,its in control.
I can feel the hurt/pain/anger trying to rise up, and the calmness takes over i can feel the love/empathy understanding also trying to rise up and once again the calmness takes over and says "I'm in charge now and things are going to be ok"

So as I lay thinking, ...my heart and mind went to a place I used to go as a kid when I was having a rough time...back in the woods, laying in the tall grass, feeling a soft wind as it blows acoss the tall grass, I'm laying back looking up into the clouds and knowing that everything is right in the world and feeling that same calmness...and I think about all of this, how in the begining I opened up the door to my heart right away and reached out to her and tried to pull her in, which didnt work, then I slammed the door shut and put a lock on it which also didnt work...now the door is closed,I can neither open it up or try to keep it locked, I can feel her at the door, I'm hoping that she can find her way in and come lay with me in the tall grass ....I wont lay there forever waiting, life goes on..but I know now I can always take myself back to that grassy field.......

If any one of you that are the W/S are reading this, dont let your partner get to where I'm at.....you may lose them forever...


----------



## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Struggling, it's a kind of shell shock. You feel totally empty for any emotion, numb. I went through the same.


----------



## speakingforsomemen (Dec 12, 2011)

You know, I do not know why this Board exists. I believe people simply prey on this stuff and love to vent their holier attitudes. There is a scripture which talks about these things. 

Let me put some perspective on this, from the other side, from the wive's side. I am in the middle of one of these situations, I am the guilty party , I am the guilty one, I am the one inflicting the pain. I am the *******, I am the jerk, but let me tell you something, key logers or whatever the hell they are called, bullying, dominance, investigation, insinuations, sneaking around and spying, and most of all, contacting the other person is pure insanity. It makes you look like a needy jackass. 

Things happen for a reason. She did not in all liklihood look for this guy, he did not necessarily look for her. If she was happy at home, and I mean happy, why in the world would she look? My guess is, things were the same, tedious, and bland at home. It is like leaving the couch in the same corner for years, you want to move it but your spouse says no, I want it there, nothing changes, boring, tedious and insane. She made a mistake, so did I. However, we are humans. And, get this, marriage is man made, I don't care what you say but it is man made, in some cases, it is freaking unnatural to commit to something forever as you all say. Life changes, our minds change, our bodies change. Yes, we have to try and adjust, but sometimes it gets too much, sometimes there is nothing there. 

So, we reach the end of our lives, we die, there is a judgement, maybe we need to be forgiven, but we acted in a way that would make us stable and happy and not freakin miserable on this planet. If there is nothing, we wasted our lives living everyday trying to live up to someone elses standards, someone who is insecure, someone who is spying, someone who does not love us enough to not embarass us in front of the other person.

I have been utterly humiliated by my spouse, it was incredibly humiliating for absolutely nothing. Phone records are monitored and I have had more late at night nonsense confrontations than I ever want to think of. What has it done? Has it driven me back, closer? No, it has driven a wedge between us, I can't get over her mistrust and childish actions and she doesn't trust me. So, we are at a crossroads and will decide. But we are adults and adults need to act like adults. The bottom line is life on this planet is too short to be controlled by someone, someone who monitors our every activities. Yes, my wife insists on looking at my emails, it disgusts me. In the beginning I might have agreed, but now, the thought of one candle for two people is disturbing. You need two candles, if one goes out in the storm, there is one to recover. That is what marriage should be. Not this nonsense of controlling and watching and spying. If I ever see the word keylogger again from some preying jerk I am going to put my foot through this screen. Spying does nothing but kill, grow up folks, address the real issue, why did she feel the need to find some joy or comfort in the first place? Takes 2 to tango, not one. 

I am disgusted by these responses. Have a happy holiday.


----------



## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Don't breach someone's trust then complain about lack of trust on their side. You didn't step on someone's foot to get away with "oops sorry", you peed in their soul.

The problem is you, not your "controlling" spouse.


----------



## Amos (Jan 20, 2011)

speakingforsomemen said:


> You know, I do not know why this Board exists. I believe people simply prey on this stuff and love to vent their holier attitudes. There is a scripture which talks about these things.
> 
> Let me put some perspective on this, from the other side, from the wive's side. I am in the middle of one of these situations, I am the guilty party , I am the guilty one, I am the one inflicting the pain. I am the *******, I am the jerk, but let me tell you something, key logers or whatever the hell they are called, bullying, dominance, investigation, insinuations, sneaking around and spying, and most of all, contacting the other person is pure insanity. It makes you look like a needy jackass.
> 
> ...


You are a complete loser. The only thing you should be disgusted by is the reflection in the mirror.


----------



## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

So, how do you propose that people deal with an affair? how does one begin to trust their spouse? how does one know if the other is being transparent?

It seems like you are saying "get over it" and move one.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

@some, So in summary your affair is your wife's fault, and all her attempts to end the affair were a waste of time. Got it, I'm surprised you did claim you are actually the victim here.

@struggling,

Your doing well working on you. One of things that cheating spouses don't realize is that when the BS takes the journey of deling with the betrayal and lies, they often find they really are stronger and better then the lies and gas lighting led them to believe. They discover they are in fact strong and good and it's the WS that is deeply messed up and no longer worthy of being cared about.

The BS decides they no longer need the hurt or drama and they move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

speakingforsomemen said:


> You know, I do not know why this Board exists. I believe people simply prey on this stuff and love to vent their holier attitudes. There is a scripture which talks about these things.
> 
> I dont feel holier than thou, I am not on soap box preaching, i am no better than anyone, no better than you or anyone posting on here, no better than my wife, i believe my wife is a good person, a good person who made a poor choice, I've made made lots of them myself, only I can know if I can forgive and move on, for me not for her.
> 
> ...


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

speakingforsomemen said:


> You know, I do not know why this Board exists. I believe people simply prey on this stuff and love to vent their holier attitudes. There is a scripture which talks about these things.
> 
> Let me put some perspective on this, from the other side, from the wive's side. I am in the middle of one of these situations, I am the guilty party , I am the guilty one, I am the one inflicting the pain. I am the *******, I am the jerk, but let me tell you something, key logers or whatever the hell they are called, bullying, dominance, investigation, insinuations, sneaking around and spying, and most of all, contacting the other person is pure insanity. It makes you look like a needy jackass.
> 
> ...


I can't believe she is still putting up with your lying BS.


----------



## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

speakingforsomemen....also consider the fact the some folks come on here and read before the actually go to far with something, by reading maybe the can come to know that they need to address issues in their marriage before its to late....

I dont continue to spy or invesigate on my wife, the part about the O/M being seperated came up in general conveasation with my buddy reagrding the palce where my and his wife work....nothing more.

I owned my **** from the past, I was an a-hole, not always, but some pretty ****ty things..I ownend up to them....

by not being the person that was betrayed, you can never fully understand whats its like...consider yourself blessed on that..

I truly do hope that you and your wife can find some peace and work thur things.


----------



## speakingforsomemen (Dec 12, 2011)

I am saying there are two sides to every story, seasons change, years pass, so do peoples feelings and love. Yes it is wonderful if a couple endures, but be an adult and accept change and don't be so judgmental. I love my wife, there is no doubt, she is incredible and a great Mother. I am simply at a point of my life where I needed to feel special again, wanted, unique. There is no way two people's lives cycle together, ups and downs are in synchrony. One can put up with nonchalance and boredom for so long. A breaking point can be reached. Everyone of you can chastise me and call me a fool and pathetic, it tells me you probably have not been there , didn't recognized when you were there, or were not smart enough to deal with it. Mediocrity is disgusting, sameness is boring, everyday you need to progress and reach the goals you were sent here for. Marriage is not necessarily the number one priority and keeping it together and whole should not destroy you as a person. I am sorry, I know I am in the absolute monority, but I tell you, what this woman went through can be understood if you step back and stop thinking marriage is sacred. Wonderful if someone finds their soulmate, but, it does not always happen. If it does and you do something like this, the soulmate will understand and realize they need to work with you in a loving way, not a cheap spying way to get dirt on you and embarass you in front of your co-workers. All I can say is grow up. Reality is painful.


----------



## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Yes, reality is painful, and owning up your sh*t is tough. No wonder you are uncomfortable with it, you sound like an infantile, rationalizing navel-gazer who is unable to cope with consequences of his misdeeds.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

my ignore list is growing every day


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

speakingforsomemen said:


> I am saying there are two sides to every story, seasons change, years pass, so do peoples feelings and love. Yes it is wonderful if a couple endures, but be an adult and accept change and don't be so judgmental. I love my wife, there is no doubt, she is incredible and a great Mother. I am simply at a point of my life where I needed to feel special again, wanted, unique. There is no way two people's lives cycle together, ups and downs are in synchrony. One can put up with nonchalance and boredom for so long. A breaking point can be reached. Everyone of you can chastise me and call me a fool and pathetic, it tells me you probably have not been there , didn't recognized when you were there, or were not smart enough to deal with it. Mediocrity is disgusting, sameness is boring, everyday you need to progress and reach the goals you were sent here for. Marriage is not necessarily the number one priority and keeping it together and whole should not destroy you as a person. I am sorry, I know I am in the absolute monority, but I tell you, what this woman went through can be understood if you step back and stop thinking marriage is sacred. Wonderful if someone finds their soulmate, but, it does not always happen. If it does and you do something like this, the soulmate will understand and realize they need to work with you in a loving way, not a cheap spying way to get dirt on you and embarass you in front of your co-workers. All I can say is grow up. Reality is painful.


Reminds me of the movie title "Dum and Dummer".

The right answer is get a divorce first. You're problem is you were too yellow.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

speakingforsomemen said:


> I am saying there are two sides to every story, seasons change, years pass, so do peoples feelings and love. Yes it is wonderful if a couple endures, but be an adult and accept change and don't be so judgmental. I love my wife, there is no doubt, she is incredible and a great Mother. I am simply at a point of my life where I needed to feel special again, wanted, unique. There is no way two people's lives cycle together, ups and downs are in synchrony. One can put up with nonchalance and boredom for so long. A breaking point can be reached. Everyone of you can chastise me and call me a fool and pathetic, it tells me you probably have not been there , didn't recognized when you were there, or were not smart enough to deal with it. Mediocrity is disgusting, sameness is boring, everyday you need to progress and reach the goals you were sent here for. Marriage is not necessarily the number one priority and keeping it together and whole should not destroy you as a person. I am sorry, I know I am in the absolute monority, but I tell you, what this woman went through can be understood if you step back and stop thinking marriage is sacred. Wonderful if someone finds their soulmate, but, it does not always happen. If it does and you do something like this, the soulmate will understand and realize they need to work with you in a loving way, not a cheap spying way to get dirt on you and embarass you in front of your co-workers. All I can say is grow up. Reality is painful.


Why are you here?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

speakingforsomemen said:


> I am saying there are two sides to every story, seasons change, years pass, so do peoples feelings and love. Yes it is wonderful if a couple endures, but be an adult and accept change and don't be so judgmental. I love my wife, there is no doubt, she is incredible and a great Mother. I am simply at a point of my life where I needed to feel special again, wanted, unique. There is no way two people's lives cycle together, ups and downs are in synchrony. One can put up with nonchalance and boredom for so long. A breaking point can be reached.
> 
> so did you speak about this with your wife before you stepped out?
> 
> ...


I understand exactly the how and the why it happened, I missed the signals she was putting out, but bottom line she should have set me down and had a talk first, I had e/a myself a long long time ago and she and I discussed it and how wrong it was, I didnt even know I had one until it was over or what one was, but I did bring it up to her....and how devastating it was. I did not embarass her in front of her coworkers, they did that themseleves the OM is married also, the rumours were flying around her palce of work long before I caught on.[


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Speaking---and I really don't like this, cuz we are thread jacking---BUT---anyway

Yes after 7 to 10 yrs. things do get boring same old, same old, and things do need some spicing up---But that is up to the 2 spouses to do

YOU ARE SPOSE TO COMMUNICATE---and if that means FORCED, to get your point across, then YOU DO SO

If nothing positive comes from the attempt, to discuss/work on/change things--Then you throw in consequences, for refusing to deal with the marital problems---BUT YOU DO NOT CHEAT, AND YOU DO NOT CONDONE CHEATING---get your D. first, then go do whatever you want---AND NO ON, ABSOLUTELY NO ONE WILL CARE.!!!!!!!


----------



## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

strugglinghusband said:


> Update, the other night when we had the talk and she followed me into the bedroom, I left out that she was crying like a little kid(didnt even dawn on me that I left that out until last night),shaking, shuddering, I could see her pain and her remorse for the pain that was caused,saying how sorry she was for hurting me.
> she still denied that there was anything more going on and it wasnt what I thought...I said that you just dont say to a male friend "Miss you Cant wait to see you" although I could see her pain and understand it, I had nothing, no feelings what so ever, no anger, no hurt, no glad or sad that she was huting, I had no empathy, none.....just a calmness about me....detached is the best way I could desricbe it.
> 
> she came home last night after work and I was laying down trying to nap (was a long night before)and asked if she could lay next to me and hug me, she started crying saying how sad she was and was afraid to even come home, I let her lay her head on myshoulders and told her I didnt want her to be afriad of coming home...yet again the same feeling of detachment, I layed there for a long time trying to understand what these new feelings or lack of,mean...I realized that after the other night, I can no longer be hurt by any of it, not whats happened or even if there is more to the story that I still dont know about, none of it can hurt me any longer! it just dosent matter...
> ...


Love your safe place. That is also my safe place too. You want desperately for them to find a way out and there is only so much you can do to help them find the way. Some try, some don't - Some make it. It's all up to them and realizing their selfish desires are keeping them from the key to that safe place. 

Stay the course.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

struggling, being emotionally detached is not in and of itself a bad thing. You are allowing your head to rule instead of your heart in determining when it is safe for you to become emotionally invested in your wife. 

The peace of mind you are experiencing comes because you are not engaged in fighting reality but instead you are embracing it.


----------



## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

morituri said:


> struggling, being emotionally detached is not in and of itself a bad thing. You are allowing your head to rule instead of your heart in determining when it is safe for you to become emotionally invested in your wife.
> 
> The peace of mind you are experiencing comes because you are not engaged in fighting reality but instead you are embracing it.


:iagree:


----------



## inmygut (Apr 2, 2011)

speakingforsomemen said:


> You know, I do not know why this Board exists.
> ...
> 
> I am the *******, I am the jerk, but let me tell you something, key logers or whatever the hell they are called, bullying, dominance, investigation, insinuations, sneaking around and spying, and most of all, contacting the other person is pure insanity.
> ...


So in other words you're pissed you got caught, and you refuse to acknowledge there are long term consequences to your actions. Put on your big boy pants already. Posters recognize that a spouse must prove whether there is infidelity because it directly impacts the actions they must take to save their relationship or save themselves.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

speakingforsomemen said:


> You know, I do not know why this Board exists. I believe people simply prey on this stuff and love to vent their holier attitudes. There is a scripture which talks about these things.
> 
> Let me put some perspective on this, from the other side, from the wive's side. I am in the middle of one of these situations, I am the guilty party , I am the guilty one, I am the one inflicting the pain. I am the *******, I am the jerk, but let me tell you something, key logers or whatever the hell they are called, bullying, dominance, investigation, insinuations, sneaking around and spying, and most of all, contacting the other person is pure insanity. It makes you look like a needy jackass.
> 
> ...












keylogger keylogger keylogger keylogger keylogger

Hoep you didnt put your foot through the screen.


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

You are very impressive in your attitude. I am sorry but it seems very difficult to believe that it had not gone physical. It sounds like she is in big time damage control. You might want to consider a polygraph and get tested for STD's for precaution. Good luck.


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

speakingforsomemen said:


> You know, I do not know why this Board exists. I believe people simply prey on this stuff and love to vent their holier attitudes. There is a scripture which talks about these things.


Do you believe in scripture? Do you believe in all scripture, or simply the parts which help you justify your actions?



speakingforsomemen said:


> She made a mistake, so did I. However, we are humans. And, get this, marriage is man made, I don't care what you say but it is man made, in some cases, it is freaking unnatural to commit to something forever as you all say.


So you don't believe in the Christian doctrine of "one flesh" for marriage, even though it is in the scriptures?



speakingforsomemen said:


> So, we reach the end of our lives, we die, there is a judgement, maybe we need to be forgiven, but we acted in a way that would make us stable and happy and not freakin miserable on this planet.


So, you believe in an afterlife and a judgment. But you think that the parts of scripture where commandments are given and standards are set is false? If there are no standards, why would there be a judgment? What's the point of a test if everybody passes?



speakingforsomemen said:


> If there is nothing, we wasted our lives living everyday trying to live up to someone elses standards, someone who is insecure, someone who is spying, someone who does not love us enough to not embarass us in front of the other person.


So, you cheated on your wife, crushed her soul and killed her self-esteem, but you expect her to be polite enough not to embarrass you in front of your affair partner? Seriously?



speakingforsomemen said:


> I have been utterly humiliated by my spouse, it was incredibly humiliating for absolutely nothing. Phone records are monitored and I have had more late at night nonsense confrontations than I ever want to think of. What has it done? Has it driven me back, closer? No, it has driven a wedge between us, I can't get over her mistrust and childish actions and she doesn't trust me.


You are not alone. You stand with almost every cheating spouse in wishing that the betrayed spouse would just allow you to sweep your actions under the rug so that you suffer absolutely no consequences for the harm you've done to your spouse and your marriage. It's not noble. It's not philosophical. It's pathetic.



speakingforsomemen said:


> I am disgusted by these responses. Have a happy holiday.


Basically, your wife bored you, so you cheated on her. And you would like people to join with you in excusing your behavior as acceptable. Sorry. I just can't do it.

I have been married for quite a while. I have been bored with my spouse. I have been attracted to other women. I have had opportunities to cheat. Have I taken the step to cheat with another woman, crush my wife's soul, and kill her self-esteem? No. Does that make me holier than you? You bet your ass it does.

Merry Christmas.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

snap said:


> Yes, reality is painful, and owning up your sh*t is tough. No wonder you are uncomfortable with it, you sound like an infantile, rationalizing navel-gazer who is unable to cope with consequences of his misdeeds.


:smthumbup: :yay:


----------



## Humble Married Man (Dec 18, 2011)

I find the idea of monitoring your spouse interesting. I neither condemn nor condone it. 

I do think that it is unhealthy though. Not only are you "imprisoning" your spouse, as speakingfor so charmingly pointed out, but you are "imprisoning" yourself in the the role of the untrusting and paranoid jailer. Why would you willingly place yourself in that role? How does such a role benefit either spouses?



> owning up your sh*t is tough.


That is largely what it is all about. Barring extreme cases (e.g. where the BS has a history of violence or specific mental illness), the WS always has the option of being honest with their SO, if they wish to act in an ethical manner. 

They could say "I am falling in love with this other person and I don't think that I will be able to resist my feelings for much longer" or "I have the hots for this attractive person and wish to copulate with him/her."

What happens then? They may propose the idea of an open or polyamorous marriage where deceit is unnecessary. If the BS disagrees with this concept, s/he is free to end the marriage, or tolerate their spouse's extramarital relationships.

The WS may decide that cutting off all contact is the best thing to do. Ideally, by telling their spouse about their need to step outside the marriage, they will receive emotional support.

But instead of being honest, the WS lies. The WS shuts their partner out. Maybe they decide to err on the side of honesty at a later date, but the damage is already done because they couldn't initially speak up. In a perfect world, every WS would realise this.

However "boring" or shoddy your marriage is, the cheating spouse always has the option of being honest from the very start. If one commits an act of dishonesty, one must own that action fully on an internal level. To do otherwise is to disassociate yourself with the severity of your actions.

If an individual has an entitlement complex, as some WSs and BSs may, they will not be able to own their actions fully. They will attempt to rationalise their unpleasant actions and shift blame onto others. Perhaps they will allow their personal dissatisfaction to influence their actions, leading them to both cheat on and blame their spouse. Or perhaps they will allow their personal insecurities to overtake them, causing them to monitor their partner's actions for an extended period of time, and direct all blame at their spouse. 

What separates a WS that is being actively monitored by their spouse from a BS that is being actively deceived, is that the WS has the option of saying "enough is enough".

Even one such as myself understands this concept fully.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

One thing about the successful implementation of the 180 concerns the emotional detaching of the betrayed spouse from the unfaithful spouse. Something that occurs when the betrayed spouse realizes that he/she doesn't really 'need' the unfaithful spouse but only 'wants' him/her. A want is a desire we can live without if we must, but a need is a necessity that must be satisfied for our continued existence. One frees us the other one enslaves us.


----------

