# Would you have another child?



## skitown (Feb 9, 2010)

I am interested in getting a man's opinion on this. My question - if your wife wanted another child, and you did not, would you have one with her? I know this question is not black and white - so here is a little background. We have one child, who has been fairly easy to raise (so far). After our child was born, I knew I wanted more children (2 more would be perfect). My husband on the other hand did not. He loves our child dearly and is a great father. However, he did not want the additional commitment more children would bring. Primary reasons were money, time commitment, stressful jobs. Well, these reasons don't hold water - we always seem to have enough money for the things he wants, I am the primary caretaker - he has been able to take time to himself, go on trips, etc, and yes at times our jobs are stressful - but no different than most other people. Once I learned of this, I did think about leaving - most likely having at least one additional child on my own; but I could not do this - I wanted my son to live in a two parent household. Each year I held on to hope that he would change his mind. Even at age 40, I was still a little hopeful. Well now, I am in my mid-40's, have spoken to a Dr. about the potential of having another child (not too likely without an egg donor and IVF). My heart is just aches. I know I let this happen - I have anger and resentment towards myself. My husband was honest with me - but I can't seem to get past the fact that I believe if he truly loved me, he would have had another child with me. He would have given me this gift. I feel like I have given him everything - working, taking care of the house (even some of the "male" responsibilities), being a good mother, wife, letting him buy his "toys", etc. And now I can't go back. I feel nothing towards him; no love. So, what are your thoughts - would you have another child with your wife? If you would not, is that an indication that you do not truly love her?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

skitown said:


> So, what are your thoughts - would you have another child with your wife? If you would not, is that an indication that you do not truly love her?


Not coming down on you at all, but I'm presuming you had this discussion before you married? I have friends who ended a marriage for this reason. He didn't want them, she did. She presumed he would come around - and didn't. Fast forward 8 years - he is remarried with 4 kids. She remarried, and discovered she can't have kids. Life is bizarre.

To answer your question, ab-so-friggin-lutely not. Not wanting multiple children has zero to do with loving or not loving your wife.


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## gypsysouls (Jul 30, 2010)

you are very blessed to have a beautiful child, a husband who was honest with you from the start and a loving relationship. some people dont get any of that. 

yes i can understand the desire to have another child, but having to go through ivf and use an egg donor as well - well it sounds like it would complicate what is otherwise a happy life.

he is showing you he loves you by having always being honest with you. if he did agree to another child it doesnt mean he would love you more or less, but you can gaurentee that there will be lots and lots of resentment coming from him which will create problems in your marriage.

to quote deejo, not wanting multiple children has zero to do with loving or not loving your wife.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I won't generalize for all men or women, but some form of the following has been stated on the site previously and I can unequivocally say that it applied in my case:

Women want to be married to have children. Men want to be married to have a wife.

Ironically, in our case, children (whom we both desperately love) were one of the two primary catalysts that ended our marriage - and we both wanted children.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

"if he really loved you he would give you another child" paraphrasing a bit... but that's kinda similar to....

If you really loved him and your child, you'd accept what you have, respect and appreciate that he has gone beyond what he really wanted in life for you and find a way to be happy.

You are a glass half empty person or trying to fulfill something through some image of your life, you invented long time ago.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Deejo said:


> Not coming down on you at all, but I'm presuming you had this discussion before you married? I have friends who ended a marriage for this reason. He didn't want them, she did. She presumed he would come around - and didn't. Fast forward 8 years - he is remarried with 4 kids. She remarried, and discovered she can't have kids. Life is bizarre.
> 
> To answer your question, ab-so-friggin-lutely not. Not wanting multiple children has zero to do with loving or not loving your wife.


All the responses already given sum it up very well. FWIW, my mom divorced her first husband because he didn't want kids and after being married emphatically said "I'm not having children!!"

You on the other hand already have a child I would be supremely grateful for that. So many are not blessed with healthy children my friends child was just diagnosed with Trisomy 13 :-(


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## catsy101 (Aug 3, 2010)

I am in a similar boat. I have a post up about my husband wanting a vasectomy when I want another child.

My thing is, if you cannot be happy because you want another child so much, why should you be forced to be unhappy? I love my three boys but I want to move back near my parents, and I want to have a chance at having a little girl of my own. It does NOT mean I don't love my husband. It does NOT mean I don't love the little ones I have now. It just means, I want a girl TOO and I want to MOVE BACK near my parents as WELL. I don't think you are being selfish and I don't neccessarily think your husband is being selfish either. You two just want different things which I guess is normal. If the two of you can compromise, do it. If you two cannot compromise, perhaps a split is best.


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