# Ten Years as of this summer.



## RunninOnEmpty (May 20, 2013)

So I have been having an unusually tough go of it the last week or so. I was starting to feel as if my relationship is beyond repair, and out of desperation turned to the web... I found this site and have been lurking around reading posts/advice. I am finally getting up the nerve to post my situation and see if there is any good advice, or harsh criticism, that will come my way. 

As I said in the Title, My wife and I have been married for just under 10 years. We have had our ups and downs like any married couple and we have the (no offense) coolest little 19th month old son that has ever been. The two major issues in our relationship are; 
A. I travel for work. I work on a rotation 2 weeks away and one week home. This job has not only provided a comfortable lifestyle for us, but is also something that I have become very good at, and provides me with a sense of accomplishment. I love my job. 
B. My wife's family dynamic. My wife's family is unbelievably close, which at first I found to be refreshing, as I am a product of divorced parents. Lately I have begun to... hate is not the right word... resent both her mother and father with a passion that is difficult to repress, and or hide. I have always felt that, in my wife's mind, My opinion/feelings were at best second to her father's. Also, I have always felt that even in my own home I am a second class citizen. For example, we have a his an hers master bathroom... 2 sinks, 2, mirrors, ect. I am not allowed any space or access to this bathroom, my bathroom is the guest bathroom outside in the hallway. Same for closet space, the master is hers and i get banished to the guest bedroom, don't get me wrong "at least I get to sleep in the master bedroom right". Now those examples are not in anyway deal breakers, but i am trying to paint a picture and they help to bring me back to issue B. When I raise concern or complain about things like that, the reasoning that i get is flat out well my Dad uses the guest closet. When my wife is having a bad day or needs advice... she calls her father. When her father has issue with the way i do something around my house I hear about it though my wife. His newest crusade, is to get me a different job in or around their hometown in my degree field. The issue i have with that, is that my degree is in education. I taught for a year after college and... let me say it like this so that i do not offend any educators on this board.... teachers are saints, but I have NO DESIRE to ever teach again. He and i have had numerous discussions about this issue, to the point that we did not speak for quite some time. This is were my voice comes in, i swear i hear the words coming out of my mouth but apparently I must imagine speaking them. I get responses from both my wife and FIL that totally take my wants and needs crumple them up in a ball and step on them. Things like "oh you just weren't in the right situation", or "i promise you will like teaching", and on and on. Guys, I am a grown man with my own opinions, likes and dislikes, ideas and thoughts.

I really thought that after having our son, my wife would be able to focus on our little family, just the three of us. We even discussed the issue and she was on-board. I never asked her to shun her parents, or cut them out of our lives, but i did ask her to start putting more stock into my opinions, and putting me, her husband at least on the same level as her father. Her parents even butt into the way we raise or son, and MY TIME AT HOME with him. They stop by and grab him to go for a drive, ect. Obviously this has not worked. 

So this is getting very long and i am gonna cut it off here, feel free to ask questions, as i am sure there are some holes/gray areas in this ramble of a post i have going. 

Two other points, 3 months after we bought our first house... her parents moved into the same development 2 blocks away... just by chance. 

My family is on the West Coast and we live over 2700 miles from them.


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## 4thand11 (May 20, 2013)

Well all I can say is that an ultimatum might be in order, considering you have already spoken to your wife about this in the past.

It sounds to me like her dad is the alpha of her family, used to making decisions and being in charge. Also sounds like your wife craves daddy's approval more than anything (including your approval). She probably has craved his approval since she was a little girl.

Tell her flat out that you will not make decisions to please her father. No asking or discussing... just tell her how it is going to be. 

Also, remind her whose house you are both living in (hint: not her father's).

She needs a serious wakeup call it seems to me. Having your in-laws mad at you sucks (because she sounds like someone who will undoubtedly run and tell her parents anything you say to her), but you can only control yourself not other people.

Tell her your days of being 2nd-class citizen to her dad are over. See how she responds. You might need to exert a little bit of your own alpha-dog here.


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## RunninOnEmpty (May 20, 2013)

That is great advice! problem is... I have already done that. I have to admit that in the past i was kind of a push over i.e. give her what she wanted to avoid a fight or hurt feelings, however, i have been getting fed up with it for a few years now and have been setting boundary's/drawing lines in the sand. obviously she does not like the change in the power dynamic and has threatened the big D on a few occasions. I am to the point that the next time she does I am going to take her up on it. My major concern is my son. I really dont want to be away from him as much as i am anyway, and i am afraid of what will happen to my time with him if it comes to that. Bottom line is that she and I are both quite unhappy and i feel that we just go through the motions for him. I.E. no physical contact, avoid conflict, ect.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Runnin, your wife has never become an adult and is still a child to her parents. Neither does she see you as an adult but another child that is not being submissive to mom and dad. You need to get her to marriage counselling as you need a fair broker in this situation. This is a situation that can not continue and animosity will only continue to grow. 

Additionally, I would no longer discuss the marriage with the in-laws, they have done enough damage. They can no longer be voting members in the decision making process. This is why the Bible teaches that they will leave their mothers and fathers and the two become one. Four people won't fit in this marriage, she needs to decide if she wants to be your wife or their little girl.


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## Skate Daddy 9 (Sep 19, 2011)

It sounds like you need to have a man to man talk with your father-in-law. “Dad I am planning on leaving your daughter and a big part of that decision has to do with the fact that you can’t give us the space we need.”


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

I had the same experience. The long and the short of it. Your mom and dad stay out of our marriage, they will respect me and my home and everything in it. The big one of course. You WILL! Validate my feelings, or I'm gone. Insert Kibash. BOOM! Of course what worked for me I was wearing lawdog unifrom and her parents were there when I did it. You could hear a cricket fart after that.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

I forgot to mention. Two years later I left, I had enough. More to it than that. I never looked back, never been happier now I don't have to contend with that plus other things. Insert "happy pig in s***" dance. Met a great woman have kids and on the path to awesome. So much for the short. Put your foot down man, ALPHA up. It's the only way sometimes. Good Luck.


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