# Everybody mentions what they don't do but what did you do to.....?



## needguidance (Aug 17, 2012)

Get your over the hump of no love? No sexual desire from you from the person you truely want to be with and love? Getting that person to feel the same or stronger about you compared to when you first started dating? From the male perspective we always complain about what the W isn't doing, what she use to do, how she use to react, what use to love is now resentment (underlying), and the person we still desire maybe more than in the beginning doesn't have the same desire for us. So what happened to fix it or make thing better?

For me I am trying every outlet, resource, every way possible before I say "you know what, I tried, I did everything and if this is where we still are then this is no longer about us anymore". My first thing was looking back at what I provided in the beginning stages. I looked at some old pics of myself and I was probably 10-15 pounds lighter than I am now (excellent chest to waist ratio). Im not bad now compared to four years ago but I have definitely gained inched in my waist and Im not as cut, Im still muscular though. I decided to start Insanity and give it all Ive got for 60 days.

Then I remember when I first met my W we didnt have our son.... It's really freaking hard to maintain a sexual relationship with a child in the picture especially when you're the father. I dont know why when single mothers date its still as hard but its a huge difference from an outside man and the inside man. Im judged based on our son now versus just myself. I try to the be best Dad I can be but still hasnt gotten the panties wet....

We started counseling a few weeks ago. Can I say its been helpful? Somewhat. I think we are going for the right issues, maybe wrong therapist? I just dont feel like she's digging or asking enough questions from my W. Its too much general and not enough specifics for me.

Ever seen Fireproof? Our counselor suggested it, great movie! Theres a thing in the movie that H uses in the to get his W back, "40 day love dare". It's Christian themed but you can still do it if youre not religious. It's pretty much going each day for 40 days doing something for your spouse showing that you care, unconditional love. I have decided to take this route just to see what could happen, if she would fall again. I downloaded this app on my android called "30 day relationship challenge". Its another great one and I started a few days ago. She has responded well so far but we will at the end of it what changes have occured. Theres some really great apps on android for marriage or relationship building, they even have message reminders.

Just trying to get an idea of what good has to be done to get the sex life back on track. Most of the posts I see on here, guys complain about this one topic. You never hear "she cant cook, shes unorganized, she doesnt clean or do laundry, and on top of the she doesnt want sex". Its always we're happy in every area except that one. I'm just going to give it all Ive got. I do have a deadline if everything I have tried and there is no change. I wont tell her that but I have to be realistic. I know its for better or for worst but somebody should have said what if shes just not into you? Thats how I feel sometimes, like Im wasting precious time that I will never get back, you never get time back, cant make up for it either. Im still confused as to when I hear about women complaining about little to no sex in their marriage. Im like either that guy has some serious mental problems or ED. Its extremely out of the norm for a man to feel that way especially if he is healthy.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

I'm not going to profess to be 100% perfectly happy sexually in my current relationship, as there is still rejection, not as much of somethings as I'd like (oral) and recently there's developed a bit of a troubling issue for me pertaining to how she reacts if I turn down sex, but I can safely say that things are a ton better than theyw ere about 3 years ago.

Back then, sex was almost always missionary and would be once every 2-3 weeks most of the time. And I felt that she really wasn't much into it most of the time. I tried talking about it a few times but she shut that down very quickly as well.

What helped turn it around was a few things. The biggest was that I bought us a home. The reason I say us has a lot to do with this. After my divorce I was living in a rental place and after a few years I was finally financially back in a position to start looking for my own home to own again (I hate renting, feel like I'm throwing away money). After I had been looking for a few months, my fiancees mom came to me to suggest I buy her place. She was looking to sell and it just so happens that my now-fiancee was already living there with her children. So naturally my fiancee thought this would be a great idea as it would allow us to live together and she wouldn't have to move.

Financially it made a lot of sense to, since it was a great house and I was getting it sold to me for about two-thirds of what the market value was (all she wanted was to be paid out what was still owing on the mortgage). 

Despite all the benefits to me buying the home, I told my now-fiancee that we had a few issues to discuss, one of which was our sex life. I pointed out how there were some issues, most notably at the time frequency, and that if these weren't going to be fixed, I was not going to consider buying this place. One line I remember specifically saying was "I am going crazy wanting to be with you when we are living across town from each other, I couldn't imagine how much harder it would be to crawl into bed next to you each night and still go weeks without sex. That would be like torture, and I don't want to sign up for that."

I think the threat of having to move and find her own place and all of that stress finally forced her to actually look at things a bit more objectively and after we talked, she agreed that things neded to improve. They did shortly after.

While I'm not happy with what forced the change (I would like to have said that the change came from within herself because I am such a great guy) it did change, and it hasn't let up. I think we've only gone more than a week without sex once since, and that was immediately after a death in her family that really impacted her. Even then, it was only eight days. She has maintained the change.

Why she has maintained the change I think is two fold. Firstly, it's the other thing I changed. I stopped accepting a (near) sexless relationship. I continued to state after that that sex was important to me and that I don't want a sexles relationship. I have ellobrated more on what type of sexlife I had with my ex-wife and that has continued to open her eyes on the matter of where I am coming from. I have told her that I will not cheat on her, but that a sexless relationship is not in the cards for me either, meaning that I would leave if things went back to what it was before hand. 

Secondly, I think she has seen a few things. First, that I am a good guy. I know I am and I go out of my way to treat her well. The way I view our relationship, whatever she wants, I need to give her. It works for us and I hope to get her to view things the same way (that whatever I want she needs to give me as well). She's moving closer to that every day I notice and we really have a great relationship for the most part, though our sex life continues to be the biggest issue. The other thing she has come to realize is that sex is an important part of a relationship. I don't think she truly understood that, or at least understood why it was important to a man and that it shouldn't be important in only establishing a relationship but also maintaining it. 

She does have some past issues which make it a slow go at times (including a rape as a teenager) so I don't push things very fast, but she has grown a lot in the last three years in our relationship. It's gone from a near sexless relationship to sex 2-3 times a week most weeks, occasional oral and new things like lingerie. I also have optomism that more will be coming in the future as she is almost completely open to discussing sex and sex issues with me now where as before I nearly had my head ripped off for mentioning any dissatisfaction I had.

After all that I wrote, basically it come down to me having a moment of leverage on her (buying the house) that I think forced her to look at things more openly and be more self-critical when it came to sex. She to her credit though took it from there and has maintained that desire to look at our sex life and be more critical of it. We still need a jolt from time to time, but that's where I think 'manning up' so to speak comes in and you have to not only draw a like in the sand but also ensure that you remind her of that line if the call for it comes around.


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## needguidance (Aug 17, 2012)

What about reverse psychology too? I'm always quick to blow up about the sex issue to her but she always tell me not to bring it up. So less gets more? Has anyone tried this for an LD spouse? Not talking about it helped fix the issue? I look at a matter like this, you have to be proactive or nothing will change.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

needguidance said:


> What about reverse psychology too? I'm always quick to blow up about the sex issue to her but she always tell me not to bring it up. So less gets more? Has anyone tried this for an LD spouse? Not talking about it helped fix the issue? I look at a matter like this, you have to be proactive or nothing will change.


They say that things will get better if you mention it less, but I think that's only what they believe.

As I said in my post above, things have improved from where they were 3 years ago. Prior to that, things weren't rosy. As I said, sex once every 2-3 weeks, and likely not something she really wanted anyways.

She used to say I "pestered her" for sex a lot and that she didn't like me asking so much.

So I took her cue on this and I asked less and less. One time, I decided to not even ask for sex for two full weeks. No suggestions, no subtle touches, nothing that could even be remotely implied as me possibly maybe even thinking about sex. 

After the two weeks were up I said to her "want to go get a coffee?" which was our code word when in company for going back to my place for a little more privacy (whe was living with her mom at the time so I could just ask for sex or even make any sort of move with her mom and kids there). She smiled at me, said she wasn't really in the mood as she had some shows she wanted to watched, but that I should ask again tomorrow.

Ok fine, I'll wait another day and ask her tomorrow. I mean, she said ask tomorrow right?

Well, tomorrow comes around. She's walking out towards the kitchen and I come up behind her and say "So, interested in a coffee?" with a sly little tone to my voice, kind of playful like. I figured I was going to get some after all, I had done exactly what she suggested. I didn't bug her for two weeks and the only reason I'm asking the after I had already asked is because she told me to.

Well, her shoulders just slumped way down, like how people react when they just get handed a mountain of work. She turned around and gave me this half mad, half frustrated look and I could tell she wasn't happy. I asked "what?" and she just said to me "You ask ALL the time."

There's been very few times I've been speechless, but that was one. I literally did not know what to say. I'm sure many of you would suggest a lot of colorful things that I should have said, but I am a nice guy and on top of that, back at that time I was a lot more timid than I am now. I just said meekly "ok, sorry." and headed for the door.

Frankly, it's a miracle we didn't break up right there. I headed for the door thinking this relationship was over and for some reason she stopped me and we had a talk and I decided to stay. It was about a month after this that the talk about me buying the house came up and I had my speech about how tere was zero chance I was living with her if our sexlife was so little and then things changed. 

So, to sum up my story, no I don't really think things will improve through backing off. It's like expecting an alcoholic to stop drinking if you don't pressure them. People don't change their behaviour unless theya re given a good motivator to change.

I agree more with "manning up" and being more in charge of your life. I think some guys go to far with this and they turn into jerks, but you have to be a man about it and hold your ground. Start doing things for yourself and calling her on her $h!t. Don't change everything over night, a slower transformation is needed I think, but you need to set some personal goals for yourself and push towards them, all the while expecting to see a change in her as well (at least sexually). 

If you don't see that change while you are changing, you need to decide if you want to stay or if you want to start planning an exit strategy.


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## larcenciel (Nov 28, 2012)

Man, I commend you for sticking to your guns.

I wish I had the guts to have that conversation with my husband before we moved in together. Sleeping in the same bed every night and rarely getting sex really is torture. It sucks that you needed leverage to get there, but I'm glad it worked out for you.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

larcenciel said:


> Man, I commend you for sticking to your guns.
> 
> I wish I had the guts to have that conversation with my husband before we moved in together. Sleeping in the same bed every night and rarely getting sex really is torture. It sucks that you needed leverage to get there, but I'm glad it worked out for you.


Thank you. I agree it sucks I needed leverage, but it did work out. At times I really questioned what I was doing but I was in a place in life where I knew if I broke up with her I just wouldn't be dating anyone anyway (long story) so I decided to just stick it out for a while. Thankfully it was time well wasted


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

needguidance said:


> What about reverse psychology too? I'm always quick to blow up about the sex issue to her but she always tell me not to bring it up. So less gets more? Has anyone tried this for an LD spouse? Not talking about it helped fix the issue? I look at a matter like this, you have to be proactive or nothing will change.


I wouldn't count on it. You'll wind up with exactly the sex life your LD spouse thinks you deserve. If you never bring it up, she'll think you're perfectly satisfied. Which, from all outward appearances, you are.


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## AltoSax4ever (Feb 23, 2011)

Cletus said:


> I wouldn't count on it. You'll wind up with exactly the sex life your LD spouse thinks you deserve. If you never bring it up, she'll think you're perfectly satisfied. Which, from all outward appearances, you are.


Well crap, then that blows my plan out of the water....I am tired of the game and the guilt for desiring a more intimate relationship with my wife of 18 years. It would be easier to juggle chainsaws. Back to more reading............


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## mikeyb (Jul 8, 2012)

After a (pretty much) sexless marriage I told her we needed to have a talk. And she knew what I meant. I started writing everything that was wrong with our marriage and funny... she did too. She knew I was pissed.

So anyway. We had "THE" argument of our long marriage and I told her I was sick of feeling like I lived with my "step-sister", not my wife. And that I will not continue in a sexless marriage..

Things have been much better than before. At times a little shaky, but then we have another talk and...Talk It Out.

It has actually improved our relationship. We communicate better. And I have shown her that I am the man and she is the woman. And for a marriage to be successful, we need to bond and connect...!!!

Anything less is not a marriage, it's a (friendship)..

And by the way.., Not asking for sex to see if you'll get more is just SILLY..! IMO

My wife is LD and on meds for anxiety. So she was perfectly happy with me NOT ASKING for sex. But I wasn't. I was angry all the time.


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## hopelesslove (Nov 2, 2012)

AltoSax4ever said:


> Well crap, then that blows my plan out of the water....I am tired of the game and the guilt for desiring a more intimate relationship with my wife of 18 years. It would be easier to juggle chainsaws. Back to more reading............


I have tried this with my husband. Makes him very happy. He doesn't have to listen to me talking about my unhappiness and we still only have sex when he wants it about once a month or less. Oh and he definitely doesn't want to bring someone else in on the talking about it like a counselor. I'm verging on going to one on my own to see if that will help. I'm trying lots of different routes right now. It seems to keep boinling down to people do not change.


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## AltoSax4ever (Feb 23, 2011)

hopelesslove said:


> It seems to keep boinling down to people do not change.


That is what I am thinking too. That it is a lost cause and something that I have to live with. We have had the talk before and it gets us nowhere. I have tried to reason it out in my head, "maybe I am asking too much", "maybe I should see it from her point of view that work, kids, etc. is very tiring." So, the "only on Saturday, at night, let's make it quick....", has gotten really old. I have thought about looking at other avenues, like joining a working band and playing gigs in bars, clubs and such rather than the weekend church work. Something to keep me from sitting at home and wanting her only to get denied. 

I think I will go for a walk now and burn some calories!


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## hopelesslove (Nov 2, 2012)

AltoSax4ever said:


> That is what I am thinking too. That it is a lost cause and something that I have to live with. We have had the talk before and it gets us nowhere. I have tried to reason it out in my head, "maybe I am asking too much", "maybe I should see it from her point of view that work, kids, etc. is very tiring." So, the "only on Saturday, at night, let's make it quick....", has gotten really old. I have thought about looking at other avenues, like joining a working band and playing gigs in bars, clubs and such rather than the weekend church work. *Something to keep me from sitting at home and wanting her only to get denied. *I think I will go for a walk now and burn some calories!


That's what I've been doing lately. Working on my second degree and still working a full time job. The only problem is you still want that fullfilling marriage. You definitely can't blame yourself and you can't try to reason it out in your head as to the excuses the spouse keeps throwing your way. There is simply no excuse for it. Not that I am saying it is the partners fault either for being lower drive but someone always has to compromise it's just how much I guess. If you ever figure out the secret to a truley happy marriage and the trick to making it work with spouses that are two different drives make sure you let us know.


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## steinjeremo (Nov 29, 2012)

Financially it made a lot of sense to, since it was a great house and I was getting it sold to me for about two


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## AltoSax4ever (Feb 23, 2011)

It would be great for sure to figure it out! It would solve about 3/4's of the posts in this part of the forum. It is really sad to see so many unhappy people that are starving for attention and happiness. Well, the world is going to end in a few weeks anyway, so I guess it doesn't matter!! Damn Mayans!! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

heres the thing...
What the **** are we all doin on a marriage forum like this?!?

its either...1)not gettin enough sex....2)cheated on spouse and feel horribly about it...3)...........

bottom line.....a very smart person once said...sex is only 10% of a marriage...but 90% of the reason 
that people break up. .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

steinjeremo said:


> Financially it made a lot of sense to, since it was a great house and I was getting it sold to me for about two


Was there a reason you quoted half a sentence from my post?


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## Duke (May 15, 2011)

hopelesslove said:


> ...It seems to keep boinling down to people do not change.


But people do change! Before the kids came along my wife and I had lots of sex! Like someone said, the trouble with marriage is the wife expects the husband to change, and he doesn't; the husband expects the wife not to change, and she does.


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