# I am not willing to give up



## Ynot

I have previously posted that my wife feels that MC will not help and wants a dissolution. She told our adult children that the MC said she couldn't help us and so we agreed to dissolve our marriage. The MC did NOT say she couldn't help us. The MC said she couldn't help us as long as one of us is not willing. My wife is not willing. She said she left because she could not make me happy and the one session just reinforced how desperately unhappy I was. 

She had never asked me what why I was unhappy. But she had decided to do "everything that I can to make you happy". I have been unhappy with my life - but much of my unhappiness revolves around MY failings. I felt I was trapped in my job and trapped in my property because of past financial problems. I knew that she wanted more and could not figure out how to give it to her. I was frustrated and felt like I had no future. The frustration was multiplied by our inability to talk about these issues - I would bring up my problems and she would get defensive because "she was doing everything that I can to make you happy". 

I do not want a dissolution. I want to try to save our 25 year relationship. I need advice. Am I wasting my time? Should I just move on?

There has been no affairs, no abuse, no drugs, no violence, no booze, nothing but miscommunication or lack of communication.
We spent 25 years together and raised a son to be a doctor and a daughter to be a nurse. We had our future in front of us.


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## nickgtg

Well, it's not the job of you or her to make the other person happy. You're responsible for your own happiness, as she is for hers. It sounds more like you two have bad communication skills, which can be helped through counselling.

The only way counselling works though is if you both want it. If she's given up there might not be much you can do. Instead of focusing on your marriage right now, maybe you should focus on yourself, and by that I mean going to IC to try and figure out why you're not happy with yourself.

If there's no infidelity or anything like that, it could just be she's tired of being around someone who doesn't enjoy life.


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## wanttolove

If you do not want to give up, do not give up. If you do give up, it could just be another decision you see as a failing in your life. 

I am not one to give up easily and I can relate to what you are struggling with. There are many times I am sure I am ready to toss everything. There are times when I am happy with myself for not yet doing that. For me, I have to decide what I really need to be happy. Is it a great (or even existing) sex life? Probaby not going to happen. Is it total respect? Could happen and seems to be getting better. Is it my wife deciding to take some responsibility for helping with our budget and finances? There is improvement but something tells me she will always be a princess.

Will giving up make things better? In my case, probably not.


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## Ynot

nickgtg said:


> Well, it's not the job of you or her to make the other person happy. You're responsible for your own happiness, as she is for hers. It sounds more like you two have bad communication skills, which can be helped through counselling.
> 
> The only way counselling works though is if you both want it. If she's given up there might not be much you can do. Instead of focusing on your marriage right now, maybe you should focus on yourself, and by that I mean going to IC to try and figure out why you're not happy with yourself.
> 
> If there's no infidelity or anything like that, it could just be she's tired of being around someone who doesn't enjoy life.


I completely agree. I feel there were a lot of selfless acts by each of us that were taken for selfishness by the other. We will never resolve these issues if we don't talk about them. She may feel she is right and I may feel that I am right but the bottom line is that neither of us is perfect and NOBODY has all of the answers. Getting an outside perspective might be all that is needed. I have no idea whether or not we can bridge the gap that has opened between us but I do know that trying to close it on our own has not worked in the past and in all likely hood not be successful in the future.
I am going to IC this week. I have also made some major changes to my life in the short time since the whole thing blew up. I have taken a new job - I had come to hate my current job. We sold our house which was a huge source of stress for me. These two changes mean that I will have to move to a major metropolitan area, two hours from here but much closer to my daughter. While there will definitely be a lot of new stresses from the job, the sale and the move in the short term, I really feel that long term benefits will be substantial.
You are also correct that I was not enjoying life. I want to enjoy life. But I had completely screwed myself into the ground. I had felt trapped by the reality of my daily existence. I hated my job, my house had become a living breathing testament to my inability to get ahead in life and the small town we were living in left me feeling isolated and intellectually stunted.
I plan to continue to work on me. To make me a better me. The opportunities to do so have been presented. I know I can only control what I can control. But I still want my wife back and I want my family made whole again.


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## Ynot

secondstoryempires said:


> I'm so sorry you're dealing with this right now. Since your last post have you been able to communicate more openly with your wife? You mentioned that you were consumed with your own failings, which have affected your marriage, are they things that have been dealt with recently?
> 
> Hang in there! I look forward to hearing more.
> 
> SecondStoryEmpires


Actually no. The last we spoke face to face was to sign the contract on the sale of our home. As she signed, she said "I think this is best". To which I replied, I guess so since you decided it had to happen. I then sat in my chair with my hands folded in front of me and calmly told her that I was angry that it had come to this. She had decided that she would do whatever it took to make me happy and that in order to do that she had also decided what would make happy in the first place. Despite never asking me why I was unhappy in the first place. She decided that I was not meeting whatever threshold she had established to measure my happiness. She had decided she was thru trying. She was the one that decided to leave. She was the one who decided that MC would not help. She was the one who decided we should get a dissolution. And now selling the house was her decision as well. No yelling, no screaming, no throwing things. no arm waving or pounding on the table, no contact, no ranting, just a calm statement of the fact that I was angry.
Her response was that she had things to do and that this was going no where. To which I said, of course this has been your response all along - you have to decide everything, just like she was deciding now that our discussion was over. 
She left but later that day sent me a facebook message saying she was sorry. She has some fantasy that somehow we are magically going to eventually become friends or at least able to be comfortable enough with each other without making every one else uncomfortable. She said that we are forever bound together by our children and that we need to work this out.
I guess my biggest confusion is exactly how she thinks we are going to work this out to somehow realize her fantasy of friendship if she refuses to talk about anything. We are two intelligent rational mature human beings who apparently have been unable to resolve our problems by ourselves. If she truly believes that we are forever bound by our children I simply cannot fathom how she could refuse to discuss the issues and/or seek the assistance of an outside, disinterested third party to help mediate a discussion.


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## nickgtg

Like I stated earlier, you can't make her do anything she doesn't want to do. Your best option is to just let her go, attend IC, and do what's best for you kids. You should continue to work on your issues, and not worry about her.

There are a lot of times that once the spouse that thinks it's the end see's the other person doing well without them, it causes them to rethink their position. I'm not saying it will happen, but it happened to me.

Quit worrying about her, quit taking care of her, just focus on you and your kids. let her go if that's what she wants. Think about it, why do you want to be with someone who has said they don't want you? You're holding on to the past, to something that doesn't exist anymore.

You've made changes in your life that will help you. Start living life how you want it, how it benefits you and your kids. There's a chance she will notice and will ask to come back. Then whether or not to take her back will be a decision you will have to make.

It's not easy, but it's very rewarding once you figure out that you'll be just fine all by yourself.


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## Ynot

nickgtg said:


> Like I stated earlier, you can't make her do anything she doesn't want to do. Your best option is to just let her go, attend IC, and do what's best for you kids. You should continue to work on your issues, and not worry about her.
> 
> There are a lot of times that once the spouse that thinks it's the end see's the other person doing well without them, it causes them to rethink their position. I'm not saying it will happen, but it happened to me.
> 
> Quit worrying about her, quit taking care of her, just focus on you and your kids. let her go if that's what she wants. Think about it, why do you want to be with someone who has said they don't want you? You're holding on to the past, to something that doesn't exist anymore.
> 
> You've made changes in your life that will help you. Start living life how you want it, how it benefits you and your kids. There's a chance she will notice and will ask to come back. Then whether or not to take her back will be a decision you will have to make.
> 
> It's not easy, but it's very rewarding once you figure out that you'll be just fine all by yourself.


Believe me I hear you loud and clear. I completely understand what you are saying. But I feel at this point in time that I owe it to myself to try. I really don't think I could live with myself if I didn't know that I did not give up without trying.


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## nickgtg

Ynot said:


> Believe me I hear you loud and clear. I completely understand what you are saying. But I feel at this point in time that I owe it to myself to try. I really don't think I could live with myself if I didn't know that I did not give up without trying.


Trust me, been there, done that. Trying too hard can actually make the situation worse. To you it's trying, to her it's annoying. I know it sounds wrong, but sometimes letting the other person go is what it takes to get them back. 

I know it sounds ridiculous, but I went through it and now I'm again dating my ex. Once she saw that I was truly happy without her, that I didn't need not only her, but any woman to make me happy, it totally changed how she viewed me.

I'm still working on our relationship, it's not easy. She tells me everyday how much she loves me, and I haven't said it back to her yet. She knows it's going to take me time for those feelings to come back, but she's willing to wait and she's doing everything to show me how she feels about me.

Is it too late? I hope not, I would love to have my family whole again. I do know this, I can be happy on my own so it really does make everything easier in that regards.

You've got to stop chasing after her. As long as she knows you'll always be there for her she'll never get the chance to miss you, to miss your family being all together.

It's hard to let someone you love go, but you owe it to yourself to be with someone who truly wants and loves you.


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## whitehawk

l can relate to this in a few big ways.
But no l can't agree with the happy part. We all want to make our partners lives happy and better. lt doesn't matter whish way you twist it our partner should make us happy. Yeah it's not their job but we should make each other happy none the less.
My ex felt she was making me miserable and yeah in ways she was. She stopped looking after herself , only ever talked about lifes crap, bills, kids , jobs. Like there's life yeah and then though there's living too and l did feel our living had gone out the window for a long time.
She use to be so much fun , she dressed gorgeous , our time was really important to her , yep that all use to make me really happy , so what's wrong with that .
But l also drained a lot of our happiness to and l know that didn't make her very happy either and so maybe we got what we got, catch 22.
l was depressed about work , our struggle in this new area , money and in the end the place we finally bought. l didn't like it at all. l just felt that it'd all been a waste to end up there , l hated the area. But she felt it was all her fault we ended up where we did and so that brought on all the other stuff.

lt's only natuaral to feel all this stuff. But the thing is , if you don't get a grip and remember to live and be hapy to, you bring each other down and end up where we have, divorced.

But they reach a time where they don't wanna know any more. They feed the councilor what they need to to hear what they need to hear so that they can bolt. My ex did all that and thanks to the councilor she decided it couldn't work anymore.
But he only had 1/2 the story , he didn't have my side only her perception of my side which was a mile of track , miles.

Your lucky , she hasn't gone of and found somebody else yet. So she's blocking you but at least there's no one else so you have a chance .
Somehow , you have to pick yourslef up and get outa this depression and failure [email protected] and try to reach out to her , show her it's not her , be happy and separate the two aspects you are feeling about your life.
Just how to go about that , l'm not sure but plenty here will know . But to me , you still have time , IF , you pack that old depressed you away and put a smile on your face


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## commonsenseisn't

Sometimes, when we finally get what we thought we wanted, we realize it's not what we wanted after all. Wish I had a crystal ball to see the future.


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## Ynot

I went to my IC this evening and later met with my wife to discuss how to divvy up our assets. I asked my wife to reconsider her position and at least consider counseling. She said she did not think it would work. I asked her how she thought we would ever be able to become friends if there were issues between us. She said that our issues could not be resolved. That I needed to just let go of the past and concentrate on the here and now. That she had buried all of her resentment and anger long ago and I needed to as well. She said that I needed to get myself better and the only way to do that was to get rid of the anger and resentment.
The conversation then turned to the pending sale of our house. She thought we should just split the proceeds 50/50 and call it a day. So I asked her about 401K. She immediately became upset and asked what did that matter. Again, I told her that it is a marital asset which should be considered in any division of monies. I explained that she wouldn't have the thing if I hadn't been paying all the bills along the way and that since I had liquidated mine to save of our house I was entitled to some of it.
She got very upset and lashed out that I had only liquidated my 401k so that I wouldn't have to get a job and stay self employed. I asked her why she said that after she said she had buried that resentment in the past? She got very angry and started trying to make deals. 
She never did answer me. Eventually she tried to refocus our discussion on the rest of the assets but continued to try to make a deal on the 401k. I found it very telling that, just as I had observed before, she was allowed to act out in certain ways, and I was supposed to just take it. But that I could not act that way because she wouldn't take it. Now I am wondering if she maybe really is some sort of sociopath.


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## WorkingOnMe

Have you figured out who the new boyfriend is yet?

Anyway you're entitled to 50% of the 401k. If the genders were reversed the wife would definitely get it. Time to lawyer up. The war is just starting.


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## Ynot

Well there is no boyfriend waiting in the wings. The bottom line is that she was just tired of me being depressed and not being able to deal with it. I have resolved four of the five biggest stressors in my life to my advantage. All of them nearly simultaneously and in very short order. A new interesting job to replace, the old one that I hated. I sold my house and no longer have the burden of trying to figure out how and when to finish what I had started (cash sale, as-is, already closed and my money in the bank), I moved closer to my daughter, which is the best thing of all. And finally, I have unburdened myself of a boat load of financial stress by a combination of all of the above. The one thing I have not been able to fix has been my relationship with my STBXW. I have not given up on some future with her. I know that we had to end the old> Now it is up to me to start the new. I refuse to allow myself to return to the hole I had placed myself in before. I have resolved to become the best me that I can be. I know that whatever permutation of "us" that we eventually arrive at, it will be better than the "us" we had had. Ironically, I feel that my new life might actually cause some resentment from my STBXW. She took action that forced me out of my terrible rut, but her life is going to become much more difficult going forward. Her financial situation is going to become drastically more onerous. She is moving into a little apartment with one of her friends, which I think will probably result in the end of the friendship. She has isolated herself from the rest of our family and I think she may become resentful of how much better my life is becoming. Time will tell. She may decide I am worth it afterall. She might just get pissed and resentful.


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