# Advice needed - stubborn, upset son (long post, sorry)



## Leahdorus

This is something my husband and I have been dealing with for a couple years with our son, though it’s worse since homework started in Kindergarten. Any insight or advice would be appreciated, even if it’s just to say you’ve gone through or seen something similar.

Our son is 7 yrs old and just started 2nd grade. To sum up his personality, we would say: intelligent, charming, funny, loveable, and stubborn. He is in a private school that sets the bar pretty high for the kids, but he has been doing really well in keeping up (grades are all A’s). They are doing 3rd to 4th grade work as compared to local public schools. So we know it’s a bit harder, but so far, he’s been doing well and has lots of friends there too. However, he puts up the biggest fight about doing his homework. Because we both work, our son is in the school’s extended care, where they do their homework with teacher supervision before they get to go play. So when I pick him up, we go home, I fix dinner and help him with any corrections on his homework. If he makes a simple error in writing a letter or number, he gets so angry and upset and throws a huge fit. He fights doing the corrections so hard that if he put that effort into doing the work, he’d be done in 5 minutes. This process goes on every day (except Fridays, when there is no homework, thank goodness) although some days seem slightly better than others. 

When he can’t get something figured out on the first try, he will get very upset and start calling himself stupid, saying he hates himself, and frequently hitting himself on the head or bangs a fist on the table. No amount of reassuring that he is NOT stupid, etc., seems to have an effect. Once he gets himself into this state, getting him refocused to try again is next to impossible. As I said, he’s stubborn.  If he can’t do something once, he refuses to try again. Doesn’t matter how long we wait, he resists. We can’t get him to try to ride his bike w/out training wheels, he won’t try new foods (that’s a whole other issue – kid won’t eat any protein except cheese… grr), he won’t try to pronounce words, he won’t try to read something that isn’t super easy. And so on. 

I know we are the parents but there’s only so much you can MAKE another person do. We’ve explained that homework isn’t optional and remind him of the contract he signed at the start of the school year for the school. We reward and/or punish as needed, with mixed results. I don’t understand the hitting himself and saying he hates himself. He certainly isn’t hearing that from either of us, and his teacher last year was surprised to hear it because she said he never did anything like that in class. Clearly he’s feeling bad about something and is being very hard on himself. We just don’t know what to make of it. We plan to have him evaluated by a child psychologist and maybe for learning disabilities (not sure where to go for that) as we don’t know what else to do. I suppose some of it could be related to my husband’s and my marriage problems, although we’ve done a good job of keeping those hidden (no fighting/yelling) I know that kids do pick up on unspoken things.

Thanks for reading this far! Your thoughts are welcomed.


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## Amplexor

There are a lot of similarities to my youngest son. Have you thought about testing him for ADHD? Many of the symptoms are there and ADHD kids can often do very well in school but are easily flustered. Do overs is a flash point with ours. He was tested last year and showed a 70% probability of mild to moderate ADHD. While meds were recommended by both the tester and the school (Private also) we have opted to work with him with some more regimented scheduling and gotten him involved in Teakwando for the disciplinary skills. He loves it. Like yours he is an A/B student. He does not show symptoms that are often associated with ADHD. He can read a book for hours, play chess and other board games without distraction. He also fought us on homework and we simply made a concerted effort to be even more patient with him and he learned that fighting us just doesn’t work. It must be done. He is doing much better this semester than last. He is 12 by the way. Good luck and do some research on ADHD. 

PS. Kids are very perceptive, he may be picking up on some of the non-verbals from you and your husband.


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## Leahdorus

Thanks for the reply, Amp. We've thought about ADHD before and will likely investigate further. He doesn't fit all the symptoms, and we really are against medicating, but if that's what it is and what it takes, I guess we'd be open to it, if it helps the kiddo.

The structure of martial arts was something I thought he might get into, and he did karate for about 6 months last year before he begged me to quit. *sigh* He hasn't shown an interest in any sport for long enough to stick with it to get really proficient at it. Drives me crazy! :crazy:


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## snix11

Who's homework is it again? oh yeah his  Don't correct his mistakes against his will, let his teacher to that. That way no battles and he gets to take responsibility for his grades. I have the same type of 8 yr old, but I let him take responsibility for his grades. It only took one B- (omg!!) for him to start wanting to keep his grades up. IF he comes to you with a question on his homework, by all means help. Otherwise leave his grades to him.


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## JamesHarmison

Thanks for that post.This is something my husband and I have been dealing with for a couple years with our son, though it’s worse since homework started in Kindergarten. Any insight or advice would be appreciated.

Relationship
Relationships
Relationship Problems


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## GAsoccerman

Hey james,

I have three kids, a daughter who is 10, a son that is 9 and another son that is 6.

This is normal for this age, especially for boys.

My kids are all straight A students as well and my son, the 9 year old had the same issues. He is so smart that when he did the CRCT's (georgia's standard test) he got every question in every section correct, Math, English, language, science and Social studies. He has been pushed to SAGE for gifted children.

But same issues...

He knows what he is doing and wants to get it done so he can go on the computer or play with his friends, so he can be sloppy with his writing. He often writes his own comic books with drawings for me and has some major spelling errors, but since they are not for school I explain to him, that he has mispelled some words but his drawings are awesome.

But one day he came home with some work that had to be "re-done" due to spelling mistakes. It was "optional" for him and he told me that, He said, "Dad, It is optional so I am not going to do it, I have an A anyway!" I found this unacceptable.

But I did not get mad, I simply said, "Optional huh? sounds good to me, Oh by the way No computer or TV tonight." he said, "What? Dad, what do you mean no computer or TV tonight?" I then replied, "well son you see it is my 'Option' as your father to allow you to watch TV or not, same for the computer, since I own them, it is my 'OPTION' to allow you to watch my TV and MY Computer" Son says, " that is not fair dad" and I said, "no son it is fair, everything is an option in life, there are ALWAYS two choices, the right choice and the wrong choice, now every choice has a consequence, either a positive one or a negative one, Not doing you work equals a Negative consequence, doing your work is a positive consequence, so son your choice." his reply, "fine dad I will do the work" I said, "fine show me your work when you are done then you can watch YTV or play on the PC"

I use this theory with all three kids.

As for the spelling mistakes and grammar, that will come with time, he needs to make those mistakes in order to learn. I want him to figure things out and see where he is making mistakes. HE is responsible for doing his work and doing it on time. I check with his teacher to make sure everything is in order "behind the scenes with e-mails" I give him lattitude to do his work and ask for help when needed. 

Let your son do his work, give him the option for you to check it if he has a question, let him make a mistake and not always be perfect.

we learn from our mistakes, let him go to you for advice, and I would not worry about his grades now, they don't matter until HS now, but teach him to do his work and then go to you or other resources if he needs help.

My kids have full access to our dictionary and PC for help, they are encouraged to use resources, including each other.


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## humpty dumpty

I grew up and was allowed to play 
I grew up and was allowed to climb trees
I grew up and got muddy 
I grew up and roamed the streets playing
I grew up with out homework !!
I grew up being happy 
I grew up and became a teacher !

children learn at thier own pace homework 4 days a week seems very extreem, 
is he tired after a long day at school and then afterschool care
is angry that everything is so rushed maybe he just needs to chill out.


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## Leahdorus

Thanks for the replies, everyone.

Since I originally posted this, my son has been seeing a child therapist. I think he's gone maybe 6 times? In Dec, right before the holidays, my husband and I met with the therapist to get her assessment. The verdict: he is not a child who needs long-term therapy. He's pretty darn normal for a boy his age. She said he is a perfectionist, and that it's something that is just in his personality but is something that he will learn to deal with as he gets older. The only thing that she gave us to work on with him is his tendency to look down on others who don't have the same knowledge or skill on something that he does. She said many adults (and some kids) will find that off-putting and will not like him because of it. He needs to learn that while he can give me the exasperated look that says "Mom, you're stupid for not knowing that Captain Rex and Commander Cody are both on the good-guy side in the Clone army." that some other adults will find that rude and disrespectful. (that was a Star Wars reference if you didn't pick up on it... )

So, we'll work on that with him, along with getting him to realize that when his blood sugar is too low, he needs to eat so he can act more rationally. My husband has the same problem, and we're working on it. We will have to let up on pushing him to do something he won't try (like ride his bike w/out training wheels) and let him do it when he's ready. It's been good for him to talk to the therapist, and good for us to hear an outsider's opinion. But I am sort of tired of paying $150 for him to play action figures with her for 50 minutes.

Oh, and 4 days/week of homework is pretty normal. The public schools give homework over the weekends, so at least he's free for weekends.

thanks again!


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## humpty dumpty

Im glad that you have made progress with him  and well done for not pushing him to ride his bike ! it really isnt important and im guessing that by the summer he will surprize you and do it with out any help.
And lets face it what school boy does like homework?
pretty mean 4 times a week though  here i give it out twice.


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## GAsoccerman

Our public school had been giving to much homework for our daughter when she was in second grade, It was very overwhelming for her and I couldn't beleive the amount of work she had.

They changed it the following year, she barely ahd any homework.

now it is middle of the road. 

Too much homework is a bad thing in my view, these days (american) schools are all about the "test scores" and not teaching.

I am very surprised at what my kids are learning in their current grade levels, more advanced then I was at their age.

If I were you I would push back on making him being perfect. As I said, let him make mistakes and when he gets upset, which my son did the same, give him a break and let him cool off.

he will need to learn adversity in his life, that he will need to overcome things, even though many things come easy to him, not everything will and he will face a road block in the future. He will need to adapt to what life has to throw at him.

I learned that my Daughter has to work for her A's, my two boys do not and will become lazy and sloppy. Thus, giving my daughter a better shot at a good college in the future, becuase she will be disciplined to do the work and look for help when needed. My 2 sons will need to grasp that and hopefully they will by HS.


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