# My husband doesn't want sex



## FustratedinCA (Oct 7, 2016)

Hi. First time post. My husband and I are married for 10+ years with no kids. Sex was good the first few years (a few times a week). But then it went down to a few times a month...and now, I'm at once every 4-6 months. I'm physically fit and most men find me attractive. My husband say he's attracted to me, but isn't in the mood. Not even for a BJ. I feel like we are talked out. Everytime we get physical, it feels forced. Help! Im 30 years old. Anyone going through this?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Try here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/350970-sex-starved-wife.html


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

could there be a medical issue, has he gone to the doctors for a complete physical and blood work ? potential his Testosterone


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Could be a case of the gays.


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## FustratedinCA (Oct 7, 2016)

He's been to the doctor and apparently, he's healthy! Even went back to the gym to get his confidence up. Not helping!


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## FustratedinCA (Oct 7, 2016)

No. He's not gay.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

FustratedinCA said:


> Everytime we get physical, it feels forced. Help! Im 30 years old. Anyone going through this?


You are not alone, and your situation does sound like it needs attention. Do not feel ashamed to continue trying to address or draw attention to this issue in your marriage, BUT by all means try to do so in ways that are positive and avoid being confrontational about sex (sometimes unavoidable as emotions can easily get hurt).

If your primary reason to be physical with your husband is to try and pleasure him as a way to prove that he loves you, stop and realize that an attitude like that is very problematic. If you want him to prove he desires you and take initiative, that too is also problematic. You have to take a step back, and when you are aroused simply try to share that with him and try to be very easy to please. If that works, compliment him to help him associate being physically close with you as something that is non confrontational and more natural (easy for him to make you happy since you are already happy and just sharing that with him).

Working on things of this nature will take years to improve, so do not expect instant gratification and be patient. 

Sincerely, 
Badsanta


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

He doesn't want any sex and you can say that definitively? My first wife switched teams. They hide it from themselves...

But if you're sure, it could possibly be guilt. Top two reasons, non-health related, for men to not have sex with women is gay and guilt. Look it up, cause I posted it right here.


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## FustratedinCA (Oct 7, 2016)

Badsanta- thank you for your input. I've tried many of your suggestions. Complimented him for every effort -he just stays quiet. I've told him I aroused and he'll either say "knock it off" or "maybe tomorrow." I want that intimacy and I want sex.


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## FustratedinCA (Oct 7, 2016)

Herschel said:


> He doesn't want any sex and you can say that definitively? My first wife switched teams. They hide it from themselves...
> 
> But if you're sure, it could possibly be guilt. Top two reasons, non-health related, for men to not have sex with women is gay and guilt. Look it up, cause I posted it right here.


Guilt..as in he's having an affair? I don't think he's having an affair...at least the topic never crossed my mind.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Herschel said:


> He doesn't want any sex and you can say that definitively? My first wife switched teams. They hide it from themselves...


OMG, I just turned gay! WOW!

...wait a minute... OK, I am back to normal again! That was really odd! For a moment it was if I was a lesbian trapped in a mans body.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

*Gay
*An Affair
*Serious psychological issue/trauma
*Asexual
*Just not into you

Take your pick, but the reality is that this issue isn't going away on it's own, you can't fix it yourself, and he doesn't seem to be interested in bothering.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

FustratedinCA said:


> He's been to the doctor and apparently, he's healthy! Even went back to the gym to get his confidence up. Not helping!



Good that he's healthy.

Has he had his testosterone checked?

Doctor (GP) can look, however, your family doctor really doesn't understand TLvls and how they affect men.

Going to a urologist or an endocrinologist will find out what his levels are.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

How old is your husband?

How's his overall health? 

Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Although this isn't talked about much, its a surprisingly common problem - and really miserable. Its much more common to hear about women who have lost interest in sex, but it happens to men often as well.

There are a bunch of discussions here on LD/HD relationships (low desire / high desire). 

I'm in this situation with my wife (she is LD) and I know how miserable it is - you have my sympathy.

Its very likely nothing you are either doing, or not doing. Still its worth thinking if you have changed in some way that might cause him to loose interest. Again, I think that is very unlikely, but its worth considering.


When you do have sex, does it work physically for him? Any ED problems or anything else physical? 

You say you are in good shape. Is he? 

Is there still other romance in your relationship, or has that faded as well? Is there non-sexual physical touching? (in my case my wife loves to cuddle on the sofa, just doesn't want sex).

Has he expressed any unusual sexual interests / fetishes? Is there anything he asks for in bed that you don't do (even if what he is asking is unreasonable). 

Any chance he is watching porn instead? Porn by itself is not a problem but there are some men to get addicted and use it rather than be intimate with their wives - and that is a huge problem.

Many of us have struggled with this for a LONG time (30 years for me) and sometimes it never gets better. You have to be ready to make the very difficult decision on whether it is worth leaving a marriage for this. 

I strong advise against having children if you can't fix this. Children will just make the problem much worse and also make it very difficult for you to leave.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

FustratedinCA said:


> Hi. First time post. My husband and I are married for 10+ years with no kids. Sex was good the first few years (a few times a week). But then it went down to a few times a month...and now, I'm at once every 4-6 months. I'm physically fit and most men find me attractive. My husband say he's attracted to me, but isn't in the mood. Not even for a BJ. I feel like we are talked out. Everytime we get physical, it feels forced. Help! Im 30 years old. _*Anyone going through this?*_


Yes, there are lots of women who deal with this. Several women here on TAM are. There is a thread I started to give support to women in this situation. Anon Pink gave you a link to that thread. Please read it. There are suggested books that will help you figure out what is going on and how to helpfully fix it.

Here is a link to a post on that thread that tells the reasons that men gave for not wanting to have sex with their wives. It comes out of one of the books.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/350970-sex-starved-wife-3.html#post16563290 - WHY MEN SAID THEY STOPPED


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

Is he harboring any resentment towards you...for whatever reason? Any bad stress around the time it started, or any sexual rejection from you?


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Frustrated

First, do not rule out ANYTHING without investigating it.
(1) assuming your husband is 30 or somewhere close to it, he should still be chasing you around the house every hour, especially with no kids to kill the mood or wear him out. And if he was doing that at one time, start to try to trace back to see if anything you can recall has changed.
(2) you say he is healthy, but has he been to doctor to get tested for low T???
(3) some other causes of possible lack of interesT IF YOU RULE OUT MEDICAL
Job Stress or Job Loss
Medication
Porn Use
OTHER WOMAN- hate to go there but like I said you rule out nothing.

There is something going on with a 30 year old man turning down BJ's constantly from his attractive wife. When most of us were 30, we would welcome that hourly.

Next stop for you needs to drag him to a sex therapist, even if it is kicking and screaming because the nickname you gave yourself ( frustrated) says it all. And an attractive 30 year old will not stay frustrated indefinitely when there is probably an army of men out there willing to make you unfrustrated .

Be proactive and do not let this fester


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

According to her other thread, he has worked about 2 of the last 10 years and she has been primary breadwinner.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-term-success-marriage/353145-unemployed-unambitious-husband.html


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

FustratedinCA said:


> Guilt..as in he's having an affair? I don't think he's having an affair...at least the topic never crossed my mind.


Yeah, pretty much. Even when bad people do bad things they can feel bad about it.


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## FustratedinCA (Oct 7, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> According to her other thread, he has worked about 2 of the last 10 years and she has been primary breadwinner.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-term-success-marriage/353145-unemployed-unambitious-husband.html


It is true. He is currently unemployed (for some time now), but this isn't a new thing. 
The lack of sex arise about 4 years ago.

He's had his hormone and blood work- all healthy.

He doesn't have ED. but sex lasts for about 10 minutes max.

I think maybe he's not into me anymore...based on this thread


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

FustratedinCA said:


> It is true. He is currently unemployed (for some time now), but this isn't a new thing.
> The lack of sex arise about 4 years ago.
> 
> He's had his hormone and blood work- all healthy.
> ...


Did you read at least the first few posts on the Sex Starved Wife thread and the one page I linked to?


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Does he have a porn addiction? Masturbating?


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## FustratedinCA (Oct 7, 2016)

becareful2 said:


> Does he have a porn addiction? Masturbating?


none


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

If he is not into you any more, then if he is totally OK medically he must be in to someone???

You say no porn, no medical issues, totally normal 30 year old not interested in his attractive wife for sex. ???

more than confusing.

Now, unemployment is a MAJOR cause for depression, especially in men conditioned to be the breadwinner. You might investigate that one.

You really need some MC if you can afford it because the excuses he is giving you are not too great


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## FustratedinCA (Oct 7, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Did you read at least the first few posts on the Sex Starved Wife thread and the one page I linked to?


I did, but hard to tell. He might simply be not interested in my sexually anymore. He does lightup when he talks with my other female friends.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

FustratedinCA said:


> I did, but hard to tell. He might simply be not interested in my sexually anymore. He does lightup when he talks with my other female friends.


A problematic sex life can be devastating to your self confidence, and then as you try to deal with that it is as if your mind will try to grab onto any notion of an idea to help you make sense of your situation. So right now, your hurting self confidence is likely to impair your judgement. 

If you mentioned that your husband does not masturbate, THIS is an area of concern! Either he is a ninja expert at hiding it while you are busy working, and/or he is struggling with depression because of concerns/expectations over his career. 

Have you seen a therapist?

Badsanta


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Maybe not being the primary breadwinner is messing with his mojo. Tough for him to act "alpha" if he feels like he's not pulling weight in the relationship. Any coorelation in his career pattern and your current troubles?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Its possible he is no longer attracted to you. Usually though when you love someone the attraction doesn't go away. I'm very attracted to my wife after 30 years. 

In the end though, he doesn't want sex and doesn't want to change that. You are left with a set of unpleasant choices: leave, cheat, live like a nun. Its miserable. Leaving and finding someone else would very likely make you much happier. 




FustratedinCA said:


> I did, but hard to tell. He might simply be not interested in my sexually anymore. He does lightup when he talks with my other female friends.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

FustratedinCA said:


> Hi. First time post. My husband and I are married for 10+ years with no kids. Sex was good the first few years (a few times a week). But then it went down to a few times a month...and now, I'm at once every 4-6 months. I'm physically fit and most men find me attractive. My husband say he's attracted to me, but isn't in the mood. Not even for a BJ. I feel like we are talked out. Everytime we get physical, it feels forced. Help! Im 30 years old. Anyone going through this?


HD/LD is a real problem for a couple. I would echo the MW Davis book the Sex Starved Wife. I was in a sex starved marriage to my wife. Me being HD and she being LD. The reason she was LD was mostly that she was angry at me, very angry. Not for anything I had done, but for what I hadn't done, which was making her feel loved and cherished. We drifted apart until we stopped having sex. It was gradual, and then it became emotionally abusive on her part.

One of the books that helped me (in additional to MW Davis book the SSM,) was a book by Chapman called the 5 Languages of Love. I learned that for my wife to feel loved and cherished she needed quality time and acts of service. My doing the dishes was not an act of service, it was just doing my fair share of the housework. My bringing her coffee in bed was an act of service. 

My working late to earn more for her and our family was not being a good provider, it was a slap in the face as it denied her the quality time she needed to feel loved. My coming home late after she had cooked a home made dinner that was one of her acts of service to show her love, was my slapping her in the face and denying her expression of love in her primary love language.

We did things to each other that drove us farther apart by not understanding what the other really needed. Ultimately with a lot of reading, introspection, self-change on my part, she started to feel loved and cherished again. Then with the help of a sex therapist, together we were able to change more and save our marriage. We came very close to divorce, but we turned it around.

My advice to you is that you have a very important wake up call. Talk to your H, but above all read books by others about what you are experiencing. MW Davis has a great "Divorce Busting" system. Two of the key elements (there are others) are 180's and "Just do IT! 

A 180 is recognizing that your pattern of interaction is not meeting your needs. So you need to start acting differently. That will force your spouse to be confronted with someone who doesn't fight the same fight, who doesn't act in the same predictable way. That forces them to ask themself what has changed and if they should change how they act. If it results in an improvement, then provide positive reinforcement. If not then try a different 180. That is how I accidentally learned that bringing mly wife coffee in bed to drink in the morning and talking to her while she woke up provided her with an act of service and quality time that made her feel loved and cherished.

Just Do IT, is about using the natural bonding chemicals released during sex to help two people feel emotionally close. It is released into the body during sex. The release of Oxytocin makes one feel good, reduces pain, promotes feelings of trust, and actually chemically makes you feel that bad things can't happen. It is used in the treatment of PTSD and a host of things. It is partly why breastfeeding mothers bond to their infants so strongly. In BDSM there is a concept of "after care." This is when after the two have played, you cuddle or in a protective environment bring the sub back into reality in a way that tells them you enjoyed what happened, that they gave you great joy and you appreciate their strength, bravery, sacrifice, and they are now safe and loved. Post coital cuddling is "after care." Most people don't spend enough time "actively bonding" after sex. It is a powerful way to emotionally bring to people together and create a feeling of love.

Good luck to you.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

straightshooter said:


> If he is not into you any more, then if he is totally OK medically he must be in to someone???
> 
> You say no porn, no medical issues, totally normal 30 year old not interested in his attractive wife for sex. ???
> 
> ...


This dude being 30 and only employed 2 of the last 10 years never picked up the 'normal male thought patterns' you are referring to. Total failure to launch, replaced mommy with wifey is what it sounds like.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

anonmd said:


> This dude being 30 and only employed 2 of the last 10 years never picked up the 'normal male thought patterns' you are referring to. Total failure to launch, replaced mommy with wifey is what it sounds like.


In her other thread, she says that she is 30. He is 39.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...loyed-unambitious-husband-2.html#post16668377


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

FustratedinCA said:


> I did, but hard to tell. He might simply be not interested in my sexually anymore. He does lightup when he talks with my other female friends.


If you look at the list of why men say they stop having sex with their wives... yep he's most likely not interested in sex with you anymore.

You say that he is healthy and works out for hours a day. Healthy men seldom go without sex. If he is not have regular sex with you, he's most likely having sex with someone else.

Have you checked his cell phone bill to see if there is a number that he is calling and/or texting often?

Men who are married to women who earn more than they do, or who they are financially dependent upon cheat at a very high rate. I believe I've read that it's about 70%-80%. 

Most people, male and female, who do not want sex with their partner are no low drive (LD). Instead they harbor resentment and anger at their spouse. Very often the only way that they express this anger is by withholding sex. It's a passive aggressive way to punish their spouse for perceived wrongs.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I don't have data to argue with "most", but based on reading here, its not by any means the great majority. A significant number of people really are LD and just don't want sex. 



EleGirl said:


> snip
> 
> Most people, male and female, who do not want sex with their partner are no low drive (LD). Instead they harbor resentment and anger at their spouse. Very often the only way that they express this anger is by withholding sex. It's a passive aggressive way to punish their spouse for perceived wrongs.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

uhtred said:


> I don't have data to argue with "most", but based on reading here, its not by any means the great majority. A significant number of people really are LD and just don't want sex.


Studies on the topic that I've read say that 70% or more of the people (men and women) who do not want sex with their spouse are not LD. They just do not want sex with their spouse. 

If you look at the stats for men who do not want sex that I posted a link to on this thread, very few of them are LD. They just don't want sex with their spouse.

ETA: Reading on TAM does not tell us anything really since we only have one side of the story. And because TAM is a self-selecting group of people.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

OP,

Read a book called 'His Needs, Her Needs". The PRIMARY need for men in a committed relationship is SEX. If your husband is 39, takes no blood pressure or other medicine that can crap out his libido, is not addicted to porn to the point he does not desire you, and has no ED problermsd that he is ashamed of, then something is really off kilter here.

I would tell him that you cannot live like a nun any more and that you need to open the marriage to pursue other sexual partners. If that does not wake him up he is ready for a rocking chair and hot tea. And if you want to up the ante tell him he needs to take a polygraph test because you believe he is cheating. One of those two things should get some reaction if he has a pulse.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There are cheaper and more reliable ways than polygraph tests to find out if someone is cheating.

Checking their phone bill is step one.

Here is a link to the http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html thread. A lot of info on how to find out if your spouse is cheating.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

We may just disagree on terms. 70% still leaves a significant chance that the person is simply LD

Either on TAM or in studies its difficult to get a good measure. A true LD person would not visit sites dealing with sex, or take part in studies - sex is not important to them. Instead we see the HD partners and what they believe is the cause. 

Its very difficult to do an unbiased study of this kind because a significant number of people will choose not to participate, and that choice may be correlated with the reason that they are LD.

Imagine a study to see if straight men find gay porn arousing. Many of the most anti-gay men would choose not to take part, leaving the study with an already biased sample of men willing to watch gay porn for an experiment. 




EleGirl said:


> Studies on the topic that I've read say that 70% or more of the people (men and women) who do not want sex with their spouse are not LD. They just do not want sex with their spouse.
> 
> If you look at the stats for men who do not want sex that I posted a link to on this thread, very few of them are LD. They just don't want sex with their spouse.
> 
> ETA: Reading on TAM does not tell us anything really since we only have one side of the story. And because TAM is a self-selecting group of people.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Sounds like he is not into you, and there could possible be someone at the gym he is into.

You need to start investigating this, to know for sure.

Also how can you be 100 percent sure he is not into porn when he is at home and you work? internet history can be deleted.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Are you good at it? Is he frustrated with a bunch of rules? Maybe the job thing has him depressed. Ever referred to the family budget as 'your money'?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

uhtred said:


> We may just disagree on terms. 70% still leaves a significant chance that the person is simply LD
> 
> Either on TAM or in studies its difficult to get a good measure. A true LD person would not visit sites dealing with sex, or take part in studies - sex is not important to them. Instead we see the HD partners and what they believe is the cause.
> 
> ...


The point I'm trying to make is to not assume from the get-go that the person who does not want sex is "just" low drive. Instead do the work to find out if there is another problem. It's more likely that there is another problem. So eliminate that.

What often happens when one simply assumes that the spouse who does not want sex is 'just' low drive is that often that spouse becomes more and more frustrated, resentful, and angry. They still have a healthy sex drive and end up going out and having an affair, or two or ten. So, in my way of thinking it makes sense to do the work to find out what's really doing on and fix things that are wrong with the marriage, the things bothering the sexless spouse. That might save the marriage......


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

There should be a kind of diagnosis app that contains all the elements mentioned...maybe there is?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

FustratedinCA said:


> none


How do you know? If he's not working and home all day while you're working, you have no clue what he may be doing.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

.


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## FustratedinCA (Oct 7, 2016)

notmyrealname4 said:


> :wtf:
> 
> 
> Why?? This really baffles me.


Is this really true? I can't imagine my husband cheating on me. He doesn't seem to be the type?


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## FustratedinCA (Oct 7, 2016)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Are you good at it? Is he frustrated with a bunch of rules? Maybe the job thing has him depressed. Ever referred to the family budget as 'your money'?


I don't think I'm horrible in bed. He doesn't even like the idea of me giving him a bj. 

depression- it is possible. I've asked him to see a therapist and he's nto too keen on it. I'll try again.

Him not have access to my income? That wouldn't work since it is his only source for all activity.


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## FustratedinCA (Oct 7, 2016)

MarriedTex said:


> Maybe not being the primary breadwinner is messing with his mojo. Tough for him to act "alpha" if he feels like he's not pulling weight in the relationship. Any coorelation in his career pattern and your current troubles?


hard to established a pattern since he hasn't worked so long. During the period when he had a job, the sex -or lack there of-didn't change much. He was too exhausted from work to have sex.

I've asked about his perception of his self worth and having a job- he said that only I connect the two and that he doesn't see a correlation.


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## FustratedinCA (Oct 7, 2016)

Lostme said:


> Sounds like he is not into you, and there could possible be someone at the gym he is into.
> 
> You need to start investigating this, to know for sure.
> 
> Also how can you be 100 percent sure he is not into porn when he is at home and you work? internet history can be deleted.


These are fair statements. I haven't looking into his phone records or anything else. So I don't know...
I hope it is not more than just him having low drive.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Having lived with someone with low drive for 30 years, that my not be the better answer. The other things are more likely to be fixable. 




FustratedinCA said:


> These are fair statements. I haven't looking into his phone records or anything else. So I don't know...
> I hope it is not more than just him having low drive.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I don't disagree, but the people who have suffered with a true LD partner for years can go crazy trying to fix a problem that doesn't exist. 



EleGirl said:


> The point I'm trying to make is to not assume from the get-go that the person who does not want sex is "just" low drive. Instead do the work to find out if there is another problem. It's more likely that there is another problem. So eliminate that.
> 
> What often happens when one simply assumes that the spouse who does not want sex is 'just' low drive is that often that spouse becomes more and more frustrated, resentful, and angry. They still have a healthy sex drive and end up going out and having an affair, or two or ten. So, in my way of thinking it makes sense to do the work to find out what's really doing on and fix things that are wrong with the marriage, the things bothering the sexless spouse. That might save the marriage......


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

notmyrealname4 said:


> :wtf:
> 
> 
> Why?? This really baffles me.


About 20-40% of all men cheat on their wives (Women cheat a bit less). Men who earn less than their wives are 5 times more likely to cheat.

Here's some reading on the topic.

_“The study, which was presented by Christin Munsch, a sociology Ph.D. candidate at Cornell University, at the annual meeting of the American Sociological Association, examined 18 to 28 year olds who were living together or married more than a year. (The cohort, it turns out, most likely to be outearning men.) It found that men who were completely dependent on their wives' incomes were five times likelier to cheat than those who contributed the same amount to the household finances.”

Munsch believes this is not actually about money, but about men's feelings of sexual identity. "Any identity that's important to you, if you feel it's threatened, you're going to engage in behavior that will reinstate your place in that group," she says. "Being a man is strongly identified with being a breadwinner." Men might engage in "hypermasculine activities" — displaying their sexual virility or sexual competence — as a form of compensatory behavior._

Report: Men Unfaithful to Women Who Earn More - TIME

Another article.

Guys more likely to cheat on high-earning women - Health - Men's health | NBC News


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

notmyrealname4 said:


> :wtf:
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Because they feel emasculated being a dependent.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

HD, LD, Cheating, gay, depressed....either way you slice it, the man is more of a mooching roommate that a husband and he has absolutely zero desire to change.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

FustratedinCA said:


> Is this really true? I can't imagine my husband cheating on me. He doesn't seem to be the type?


Yea, I've been married twice. Neither one of them was the type to cheat... until they cheated. It turns out that both were serial cheaters.

Few people think that their spouse would cheat. But somewhere between 20-40% of all men cheat. Men whose wives earn more cheat at a rate 5 times higher.

Your husband is a healthy man of 39 with lots of time on his hands. He does not want sex with you very often. He's getting it somewhere. It's a very high probability that he's cheating, uses a lot of porn or both.

There are things you can do to find out what's going on with him. Asking him is not going to work because he's not going to admit if he's cheating or using a lot of porn.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

I can believe the logic, that cheating fills a need to reestablish masculinity. That makes some sense. 

I really question the validity of those two studies in their sample approach though. 18-28? Terrible age range for that particular question. Sounds like the males in the study may be an mix of total losers, still in college / grad school and/or barely in to the work force, plus the occasional established male with a high earner female. Do the same study for >30 and you would have something.







EleGirl said:


> About 20-40% of all men cheat on their wives (Women cheat a bit less). Men who earn less than their wives are 5 times more likely to cheat.
> 
> Here's some reading on the topic.
> 
> ...


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

99.9% of people want to have a good sex life. Nobody wishes they had a bad sex life. The problem is most people are unhappy With their sex life and this is Bc u can't control your spouse, and many other factors that influence sex. So let's solve this problem tactically...

1. Talk to ur husband about how you both want a good sex life. He needs to admit this. 
2. Define what good means to you. How often, what type, ect. Have your husband define what good sex means to him. The more specific the better. 
3. Identify how what you want and desire is not the current situation. Do not blame him. Just talk matter of factly.
4. Identify together what all the reasons you can think about that are causing this discrepancy. (Stress, low desire). Many times we want to have a good sex life but we just don't FEEL it. 
5. Branch off from there. If stress is the reason... what's causing stress? Lack of sleep, job/money issues, pure pressure to perform, anxiety ect. If it's lack of desire list common causes... medical problems like low T, diet/exercise, diabetes, thyroid. Is it attraction? Dress up more, work on how you look. Ask him what turns him on what gets him in the mood, what turns him off ect. Is he masterbating too much? 
6. Make a plan to rule things out, and find the cause of his low desire. 

That is the only thing you can do. Talk about it, find possible reasons for the lack of desire and rule them out and move on to the next thing. If he is unwilling to work on this or talk about it that is a whole other issue and that's a issue for therapy. 

On a side note... don't come off too strong. Don't make him feel like a code that needs to be cracked or a freak mystery that needs to solved. The male libido is very delicate and a man needs to feel like a man.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

If you try to please him in bed and try to do what he enjoys, then you are not horrible in bed. In LD/HD situations the HD (eg you) generally goes out of their way to try to please LD. 

Odds are you are excellent in bed and most men would consider themselves extremely fortunate to be married to you.






FustratedinCA said:


> I don't think I'm horrible in bed. He doesn't even like the idea of me giving him a bj.
> 
> depression- it is possible. I've asked him to see a therapist and he's nto too keen on it. I'll try again.
> 
> Him not have access to my income? That wouldn't work since it is his only source for all activity.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Most do, but not all. There are a significant number of people who just don't want sex. I'm married to one. So are other posters here. 




katiecrna said:


> 99.9% of people want to have a good sex life. Nobody wishes they had a bad sex life. The problem is most people are unhappy With their sex life and this is Bc u can't control your spouse, and many other factors that influence sex. So let's solve this problem tactically...
> 
> 1. Talk to ur husband about how you both want a good sex life. He needs to admit this.
> 2. Define what good means to you. How often, what type, ect. Have your husband define what good sex means to him. The more specific the better.
> ...


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

uhtred said:


> Most do, but not all. There are a significant number of people who just don't want sex. I'm married to one. So are other posters here.




I disagree. I think they do want sex they just don't desire it. I think most people with low drives would agree that they wish they had a great sex life and they wish they loved sex and had a healthy sex life. 

The problem is the discrepancy in their head and their body. Most people with low drive want to want to have sex, but something is stopping them.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Most people I know have sex lives that compare to eating fast food on the couch watching the TV.

Almost no one ever indicates to have fun in the bedroom.

It is a shame. In my opinion they have lost interest because they did not know how to create a passionate love and/or sex life.


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## AlphaMale74 (Oct 15, 2014)

FustratedinCA said:


> Hi. First time post. My husband and I are married for 10+ years with no kids. Sex was good the first few years (a few times a week). But then it went down to a few times a month...and now, I'm at once every 4-6 months. I'm physically fit and most men find me attractive. My husband say he's attracted to me, but isn't in the mood. Not even for a BJ. I feel like we are talked out. Everytime we get physical, it feels forced. Help! Im 30 years old. Anyone going through this?


Low testosterone can kill libido and cause depression. People underestimate the power of hormones and their role in our bodies. Personal experience here. Ask him to get blood work done and if it is low T, then getting him on replacement therapy with test cypionate will work wonders for his libido and energy levels.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Maybe. Its an interesting question: can you want to want something, without actually wanting that thing? People can be wired differently. I can't think of anything that I wish I wanted, but do not want. But maybe "desire" and "want" are different? Words are so imprecise.

Some LDs like my wife think that they do have a good sex life - or at least as good as it gets. They are convinced that frequent passionate sex only happens in movies. 





katiecrna said:


> I disagree. I think they do want sex they just don't desire it. I think most people with low drives would agree that they wish they had a great sex life and they wish they loved sex and had a healthy sex life.
> 
> The problem is the discrepancy in their head and their body. Most people with low drive want to want to have sex, but something is stopping them.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

I don't know if anyone has asked this, but has your husband taken any antidepressants? They can kill libido. Any SSRIs or other meds or supplements? What city do you live in?


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Frustrated, I read some of your other post on his chronic unemployment. Add that to the lack of intimacy and you may as well face the fact you're married to a slug. I also agree with other that he may be gay, and combined with he slothfulness, is using you to furnish a roof over his head. My advise is to start looking for a replacement and in your situation, you can do it surreptitiously while "testing the waters" with potential replacements. I can virtually assure you he'd be relieved you're getting it someplace else, or at least not bothering him. His only objection would be losing his gravy train and having to either get a job or find another pidgin to support him and his lazy azz. 
Believe me Frustrated, hard working, desirable, women with a normal sex drive are in demand by, not only ne'er-do-wells like your husband, but also men with those same characteristics as you. They'll give you the intimacy you want and also help pay the bills and have a little something down the road.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Good pick up @VladDracul

Sounds like you need to light the fire under your husbands ass. Sometimes wives are too nice and too patient and too understanding with their husbands and it enables the problem and you unconsciously create an environment of sub-parness, of low standards, and of laziness. This might be out of character to you Bc you seem too nice but you need to kick ur husband in the pants. You need to lay the law down and tell him you are done with his bull****, and he is way better than this so he needs to step it up or get out. I mean employed for 2 out of the 10 years you've been married? That is unacceptable. 
He might be depressed, have low self esteem or whatever but sometimes it takes a strong women to pick up her man and make him realize he can do better things than he is doing. Too much niceness is enabling and can actually worsen his behavior.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

uhtred said:


> Maybe. Its an interesting question: can you want to want something, without actually wanting that thing? People can be wired differently. I can't think of anything that I wish I wanted, but do not want. But maybe "desire" and "want" are different? Words are so imprecise.
> 
> 
> 
> Some LDs like my wife think that they do have a good sex life - or at least as good as it gets. They are convinced that frequent passionate sex only happens in movies.




I agree with alphamales post. People under estimate the power of hormones and chemical imbalances. They are a huge piece of the puzzle of why there is a discrepancy in what we want and how we feel. I want to be happy, but I don't feel happy. I want to have sex, but I don't feel in the mood, I want to have drive, but I feel unmotivated. Hormones and also positive/negative thoughts are huge. Negative thoughts, and doubts/fear really affect our behavior and outcome in surprisingly big ways. 

Side note: there was a neuro surgeon I worked with and if one of his patients verbalized fear, or said things like I'm scared I'm going to die, or negative things like that he would cancel the case. Literally he has been wheeling the patient in the OR and if the patient started talking like that he would cancel the case. And it's because he believed in the power of our thoughts, and how bad negative thoughts were on our body.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

My wife is LD. That doesn't mean she doesn't enjoy sex. She enjoys sex a lot, just not as frequently as I do.

MY wife has actually told me to please stop touching me there as if you continue I will want to have sex, and I really don't want to have sex right now. That is LD/HD up close and personal. She knows that is she is aroused she will have a toe curling orgasm that she will enjoy, she just would rather not have them that often.

When my wife and I were in sex therapy to save our sex starved marriage, the Sex Therapist asked me to think about and share at the next session the ideal frequency of sex I wanted to remain happy and married to my wife. I explained that vigorous sex three times a week was what would satisfy me. The ST asked me to explain to her and to my wife why 3 times a week and not 3 times a day was my preference. So I did explain my reasoning and it was based on me and not my wife. The ST thought it was a good explanation.

My wife in an ideal situation would like sex once every week and a half to once a week. The ST helped us negotiate a compromise of having sex twice a week, which has worked for both of us. It is sort of one the "edge" for both of us, but it does work for us.

Just because a person is LD does not make them dislike sex. LD is mostly about how often not yes or no to sex. There are other problems associated with yes or no and those define a sex starved marriage. An HD/LD situation can evolve into withdrawal, feelings of rejection and dislike that can result in a Sex Starved Marriage, but it doesn't have to.

Good luck to everyone in an LD/HD marriage. As David Schnarch would say all aspects of marriage involve an LD/HD component. Marriage is about compromise, stretching our selves, self-soothing, and differentiating from our spouse. Sort of highly conflicting goals to balance all at once, but then again Schnarch says that marriage is the hardest thing two people can do, if they do it right.


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## FustratedinCA (Oct 7, 2016)

@VladDracul
Thank you. Since posting on this forum, my mind has been racing non-stop. I think I am fearful of being alone and having to rebuild a future with someone else.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

This is the part I never understood, though my wife is the same way. The idea that someone who has not had sex in a couple of weeks, and knows that they will physically enjoy it and that their partner will enjoy it, but still doesn't want it is very confusing to me.





Young at Heart said:


> snip
> 
> MY wife has actually told me to please stop touching me there as if you continue I will want to have sex, and I really don't want to have sex right now. That is LD/HD up close and personal. She knows that is she is aroused she will have a toe curling orgasm that she will enjoy, she just would rather not have them that often.
> snip
> .


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

The numbers I've seen for hsdd (hypo sexual desire disorder) is around 40% for women and 30%for men, so it's a pretty good chunk. Add to that the affair, resentment, and not into you crowd and I'm really wondering who's having sex with whom at the end


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

katiecrna said:


> I disagree. I think they do want sex they just don't desire it. I think most people with low drives would agree that they wish they had a great sex life and they wish they loved sex and had a healthy sex life.
> 
> The problem is the discrepancy in their head and their body. Most people with low drive want to want to have sex, but something is stopping them.


Katie, do you have real experience on the subject? Unfortunately I do, as do a bunch of other men and women here. 

Many such spouses consider ABC sex (anniversary, birthday, and Christmas) their idea of desire. Especially when they get older.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

You will only be alone for a short time. You will spend some time finding someone who is right for you. Its tough, but compare with the entire rest of your life. 




FustratedinCA said:


> @VladDracul
> Thank you. Since posting on this forum, my mind has been racing non-stop. I think I am fearful of being alone and having to rebuild a future with someone else.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

john117 said:


> Katie, do you have real experience on the subject? Unfortunately I do, as do a bunch of other men and women here.
> 
> Many such spouses consider ABC sex (anniversary, birthday, and Christmas) their idea of desire. Especially when they get older.




Yes of course I do. We both want a better sex life, but the reality of it doesn't happen. We both want to have an amazing sex life, but in the real day to day it doesn't happen even if we want it to. That's most people's situation. There is a discrepancy with what we both want and with what we have and we are both responsible for it. 

Sometimes I'm sitting on the couch and I think to myself man I wish we were having passionate sex right now, but when I look over to my husband... I just don't feel it. It's hard to explain but I know my husband feels the same. We're tired, we have low energy after work, we don't want to get rejected, there is resentment, there are other things we need to do, there are higher priorities or whatever. Days go by, maybe a week or 2 and then one of us really really makes the effort and we have sex. We usually have sex a couple more times within a few days... and then life Happens and it goes down on our priority list and it doesn't happen for a long time. This is specific to me and my husband. But everyone has their own pattern or whatever. It is hard to MAINTAIN a good sex life. There's ups and downs. 

The point is... most people want a good sex life. Even LD people. Why it's not happening is more complicated, and takes more work to figure out why, and even more work to break old habits/routines/patterns. 

You can't just say... well if you want to have sex just have sex. Many times with women we want to want to have sex but we just don't feel it. Why don't we feel it in that moment? There could be a million reasons that are specific to each person.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think that some LD cases are much more extreme than what you have experienced. 

My wife and I spent our 25th anniversary in a old palace on the grand canal in Venice. We'd been to Venice before so we had nothing we needed to see, lots of free time. We had sex 0 times. 

We spent our 30th anniversary on a tropical island. She was slightly sick, but not to sick to swim, kayak, and walk in the jungle, but she was too sick to have sex.

When we've gone 3 months without any intimate contact at all and I let her know, she will express surprise because she thought it hadn't been so long.

When we do have "sex" she is rarely comfortable doing more than giving me a HJ. (we finally had intercourse last night, first time in 6 months). (and yes, I do absolutely anything she wants in bed).

She thinks we have a good sex life, and I'm being unreasonable in expecting more. 

As far as I can tell, there are a significant number of people who just have very little interest in sex.





katiecrna said:


> Yes of course I do. We both want a better sex life, but the reality of it doesn't happen. We both want to have an amazing sex life, but in the real day to day it doesn't happen even if we want it to. That's most people's situation. There is a discrepancy with what we both want and with what we have and we are both responsible for it.
> 
> Sometimes I'm sitting on the couch and I think to myself man I wish we were having passionate sex right now, but when I look over to my husband... I just don't feel it. It's hard to explain but I know my husband feels the same. We're tired, we have low energy after work, we don't want to get rejected, there is resentment, there are other things we need to do, there are higher priorities or whatever. Days go by, maybe a week or 2 and then one of us really really makes the effort and we have sex. We usually have sex a couple more times within a few days... and then life Happens and it goes down on our priority list and it doesn't happen for a long time. This is specific to me and my husband. But everyone has their own pattern or whatever. It is hard to MAINTAIN a good sex life. There's ups and downs.
> 
> ...


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Geeze @Uthred, I wouldn't consider that a sex life at all!
@john117 Some of us posting here actually have outstanding sex lives with our spouses/LTP's. I know plenty in rl who claim to be having satisfying sex regularly with their spouses and live in SO's, too. 

Sometimes I wonder if you folks in sex starved marriages don't purposely brainwash yourselves into believing that a sexually satisfying long term partnership is a myth because you cannot bear to leave for emotional and/or financial reasons.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I'm fully aware that there are people with good sex lives. I'm even aware that I could have one - just not with my wife. 

There are a lot of things that are important in a marriage. I've decided not to leave because one of them is missing, but that doesn't mean that I am happy. 




MJJEAN said:


> Geeze @Uthred, I wouldn't consider that a sex life at all!
> 
> @john117 Some of us posting here actually have outstanding sex lives with our spouses/LTP's. I know plenty in rl who claim to be having satisfying sex regularly with their spouses and live in SO's, too.
> 
> Sometimes I wonder if you folks in sex starved marriages don't purposely brainwash yourselves into believing that a sexually satisfying long term partnership is a myth because you cannot bear to leave for emotional and/or financial reasons.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

@uhtred so your at a romantic place, and I'm sure you woo her and you go in for a move and she denies you? I'm just trying to understand. 

When I pursue my husband for sex I have a 99.9% success rate. When my husband "pursues" me for sex, he has a very low success rate. This sounds bad from your point of view, but if you were to watch my technique vs his you will understand why his is very low.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

uhtred said:


> This is the part I never understood, though my wife is the same way. The idea that someone who has not had sex in a couple of weeks, and knows that they will physically enjoy it and that their partner will enjoy it, but still doesn't want it is very confusing to me.





uhtred said:


> I'm fully aware that there are people with good sex lives. I'm even aware that I could have one - just not with my wife.
> 
> There are a lot of things that are important in a marriage. I've decided not to leave because one of them is missing, but that doesn't mean that I am happy.


David Schnarch of the Passionate Marriage and the Crucible book fame has an interesting concept when it comes to sex between married partners.

One of his first controversial concepts is that everything in marriage is a compromise between HD/LD. For example, one half of a couple may be HD chocolate ice cream for dessert every night after dinner. Their spouse could hate chocolate ice cream, but may be willing to have vanilla ice cream once a week. For their marriage to succeed they both don't need to have the same level of desire for chocolate ice cream.

To go back to your not understanding, you can love, really love vanilla ice cream once a week, while your spouse can love chocolate each night and then sneak out during the week at lunch a couple times a week to get a one-scoop chocolate ice cream cone fix. It doesn't make you bad for not wanting chocolate ice cream all the time. It does not make you not love and appreciate vanilla ice cream. It just means the two of you have an HD/LD issue.

Similarly, one partner could have an absolute HD need to watch professional football on TV Sunday, Monday, Thursday and Saturday each week during the season. Their spouse could hate football and make sure (he/she) goes shopping or reads whenever there is a football game on the TV. Again, equal desire to watch football on TV doesn't necessarily make or break a marriage.

The same can be said about sex. Yes, some partners are HD and some are LD and that is just how they are. Sex, desserts, what is watched on TV are all things that a married couple will need to negotiate a compromise on. Most people get way too hung up on the importance of this one element of a marriage. It is important, but as you said in your post, you are still thinking of staying in your marriage.

Now another concept that Schnarch is famous for is that when it comes to sex, you get your partner's "leftovers." That is there are things the will not do and there are the other things that they will do. You get the left over things that they will do that you want to do. So Sex among two married people is the subset of the sex acts I am willing to do and the sex acts my partner is willing to do, nothing more no matter how much you want it.

Sex is important in a marriage, because of the oxytocin bonding hormones and the emotional attachment. If you can really master post coital bonding or aftercare then you develop a killer relationship with you spouse.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Sex is also unique because unlike chocolate ice-cream you cannot go out and get it yourself. Imagine if you love chocolate but you can never eat it because your spouse doesn't like it, and social norms insist that you eat exactly what your spouse eats. 





Young at Heart said:


> David Schnarch of the Passionate Marriage and the Crucible book fame has an interesting concept when it comes to sex between married partners.
> 
> One of his first controversial concepts is that everything in marriage is a compromise between HD/LD. For example, one half of a couple may be HD chocolate ice cream for dessert every night after dinner. Their spouse could hate chocolate ice cream, but may be willing to have vanilla ice cream once a week. For their marriage to succeed they both don't need to have the same level of desire for chocolate ice cream.
> 
> ...


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

katiecrna said:


> @uhtred
> When I pursue my husband for sex I have a 99.9% success rate. When my husband "pursues" me for sex, he has a very low success rate. This sounds bad from your point of view, but if you were to watch my technique vs his you will understand why his is very low.



Wow, you usually don't need a technique to get a man to sleep with you. All you have to do is breathe in their direction and most are ready to go. Even if you were stinky, smelly, dirty and just got back from the gym smelling like yesterday's pile of garbage, most men will still do it.

Didn't know husbands had to learn a technique to get sex from their wives...Makes me wonder if alot of the husband's in this section are doing it wrong then...Always thought if you both love each other, sex was just a part of the package. Gonna have to ask the wife what techniques I need to learn. Since she's Chinese I hope she doesn't make me do a back flip, karate chop, jump kick and flying through the air with a sword to get her into the mood.

OP, when he went to get his checkup, did you go with him? Did he specifically ask the doctor to check his T levels? At that young of an age I'm assuming most doctors will assume he has a healthy sexual appetite and won't check it. And trust me, almost no young man is going to ask his doctor to check his T levels by himself. It's a pride issue for alot of men cuz we're stupid when it comes to our "manhood". We like to strut around screaming "STRONG LIKE BULL" grunts...Then ***** about it in silence about how unfair that things aren't working correctly.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

"move" covers a lot of ground, but I've tried a lot of variations over the years.

At one extreme
Lets say after a lovely dinner, we watch the sunset over the beach from our cabin on a south pacific island. Maybe she is standing in front of me and I have my arms around her. I've been giving her small kisses on the neck or ear every now and then and she has been making happy noises about it. If my kisses get too passionate, she will tell me that she is sorry but she is too tired (or other excuse) tonight.....

Or. 
we are watching TV naked in bed together. I just roll over, take her in my arms without warning and start kissing. Again she will tell me she is too [fill in the blank] tonight.


Sunday afternoons between 2pm and 5pm if we are at home, she will put on lingerie, find me and ask if I want to get to bed. It has been put on her list of chores to do. She gives every impression of enjoying it, enjoying cuddling afterwards, is affectionate for the rest of the evening. 


There are some people who don't want sex, or who want very limited sex with very limited frequency and variation. 





katiecrna said:


> @uhtred so your at a romantic place, and I'm sure you woo her and you go in for a move and she denies you? I'm just trying to understand.
> 
> When I pursue my husband for sex I have a 99.9% success rate. When my husband "pursues" me for sex, he has a very low success rate. This sounds bad from your point of view, but if you were to watch my technique vs his you will understand why his is very low.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

uhtred said:


> Sex is also unique because unlike chocolate ice-cream you cannot go out and get it yourself. Imagine if you love chocolate but you can never eat it because your spouse doesn't like it, and social norms insist that you eat exactly what your spouse eats.


The point was how much you want something versus your spouse wanting it. If your spouse needs a chocolate ice cream cone, they can sneak out when you are not around and get that and pretend nothing happened. 

Same with sex, if a person needs sex they can also sneak out an get it. Nothing I would recommend, but it has been known to happen.

Again, the point is that almost all things in a marriage, including sex, are negotiated as to quantity and quality. It doesn't matter if it is the dinner menu, what you watch on the TV, or what you do in the privacy of your bedroom. Sex is just one of many negotiated components in a marriage. There is no "correct or right" frequency for chocolate ice cream that is universally true for all couples. Same with amount of NFL football watching, or sex.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Just curious... you say sex was good for the first few years then went down to a few times a month and continued to get worse. During this decline was he still trying to initiate sex with you and for whatever reason you two weren't connecting sexually?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

The problem is that while people can sneak out for sex, it is generally considered a dishonorable thing to do. 

You don't need to sneak out for ice-cream, a reasonable spouse will not object to their partner getting ice-cream even if they don't want any themselves. It is viewed as a normal and acceptable thing for someone to do.

This makes sex pretty unique. 



Young at Heart said:


> The point was how much you want something versus your spouse wanting it. If your spouse needs a chocolate ice cream cone, they can sneak out when you are not around and get that and pretend nothing happened.
> 
> Same with sex, if a person needs sex they can also sneak out an get it. Nothing I would recommend, but it has been known to happen.
> 
> Again, the point is that almost all things in a marriage, including sex, are negotiated as to quantity and quality. It doesn't matter if it is the dinner menu, what you watch on the TV, or what you do in the privacy of your bedroom. Sex is just one of many negotiated components in a marriage. There is no "correct or right" frequency for chocolate ice cream that is universally true for all couples. Same with amount of NFL football watching, or sex.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

katiecrna said:


> @uhtred so your at a romantic place, and I'm sure you woo her and you go in for a move and she denies you? I'm just trying to understand.
> 
> When I pursue my husband for sex I have a 99.9% success rate. When my husband "pursues" me for sex, he has a very low success rate. This sounds bad from your point of view, but if you were to watch my technique vs his you will understand why his is very low.


So what is the secret for your success? 

My wife never initiates, and yes, I would say that I have a low success rate. I have tried several things, but apparently not the correct things. She does not want oral sex, because that is dirty and good females would never do that. I do have some success, but I would like to decrease the feelings of rejection. 

some things like helping more around the house, romantic gestures, etc, do not seem to help. I have a too high sex drive, ( i am told) so I get what I call pity sex, or check it off the list of things to do sex.

She does seem to orgasm some of the time, but I have heard that is easy to fake. 

So what is your secret? that your H does have a sex drive?


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## lisamaree (Nov 2, 2014)

I am hesitant to say that your husband is "not into you". The reason being is you state he doesn't watch porn or masturbate. If he was not into you then he would still be doing these things (or start doing them) for sexual satisfaction. To me, that means he is just not into sex at all. When he went to the dr were his testosterone levels checked?

Do you think he could just be too lazy for sex?

Does he know that this is a serious issue for you and that you have contemplated leaving him over it?

I am in agreement with others that your husband may be feeling emasculated and/or depressed because of his job situation. Perhaps he doesn't feel sexy himself.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

These LD and HD terms are better forgotten about, they mean nothing because they stand for a person not wanting/wanting sex, but not for the reasons why.

Especially LD is used like a kind of medical condition, which it is obviously not. The person wants little or no sex - with YOU. That can be for several reasons. There can be another person, you repulse them, they are miserable at making love, you are miserable at making love, or both. There can be medical reasons, hormonal, psycholigical. They may want a better environment, better mood, no headache, no business, no worries, before wanting to or being able to have sex.

HD is less of a problem, because then the choice is with you, but even then there can a multiple reasons.

So LD and HD say nothing about the all important reasons behind them.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

@See_Listen_Love: HD and LD are relative terms, not absolute. A person could want sex twice a day but be the LD in their relationship if their partner wants it 3 times a day. And a person who wants sex once a year is the HD in their relationship if their partner does not want any sex at all.

I agree with you that it is dangerous to label people as LD or HD in the absolute, because so much of libido is situational in relation to one's current partner rather than constant from partner to partner.


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## IndianApple (Mar 27, 2016)

FustratedinCA said:


> I did, but hard to tell. He might simply be not interested in my sexually anymore. He does lightup when he talks with my other female friends.




Surprise him by suddenly rubbing your hand over his penis while talking to him and check if there is any erection. If yes, simply slide down his trousers and bend on your knees to make him understand that you are crazy to give him blowjob rightaway. If he dont stop you then surely he is somewhat interested in you.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Just divorce. I divorced over 100% no sex for 4+ years. We maybe had sex 10 times in my 8 year marriage. But I had other issues, such as I resented/hated her towards the end. A horrible sex life is something to divorce over. It cost me $100K+, but well worth it after being single for 10 months!


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## BlueandBlond (Jun 20, 2016)

I am in the same situation. I have been married for 17+ years and with my husband for 20 years. I love sex and everything about it and it was really good for a long time. Then, after I had my third child who is 13 years old, he just wasn't interested anymore. Even before that it has slowed down but we were still active. He did have a vasectomy after our third child and I am not sure if that contributed to the problem in case he felt like "less of a man" in that respect. We have not had any sex in over 4 years! I am not happy about that and in 12 years we have only had sex 4 times and that is with me instigating. I have done everything from being very forward physically, just pleasing him with expecting nothing in return, we went to counselling for a period of time, and I know he masturbates, and I have asked him if he was cheating a few times even though there are not other signs, and I have given him the option to end the marriage and he doesn't want to. So, I get you! I have thought about cheating many times but that doesn't solve anything. I am fit, 47 yrs old, take care of myself, and I get hit on still frequently. I just don't get it either. And the hardest part is that he won't do anything about it. Our communication has been better but still not great. He used to have many excuses in the past and I would cry all of the time and feel alone. Now, I have a wall built up but I am still willing to figure it out. 

The thing is, if someone is not attracted to you anymore or have fallen out of love or whatever the reason is, say so! Then we can move on.

I feel for you. I can see where you are coming from and still have no answers. I wish I could help you this but I can't. HUGS!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

BlueandBlond said:


> I am in the same situation. I have been married for 17+ years and with my husband for 20 years. I love sex and everything about it and it was really good for a long time. Then, after I had my third child who is 13 years old, he just wasn't interested anymore. Even before that it has slowed down but we were still active. He did have a vasectomy after our third child and I am not sure if that contributed to the problem in case he felt like "less of a man" in that respect. We have not had any sex in over 4 years! I am not happy about that and in 12 years we have only had sex 4 times and that is with me instigating. I have done everything from being very forward physically, just pleasing him with expecting nothing in return, we went to counselling for a period of time, and I know he masturbates, and I have asked him if he was cheating a few times even though there are not other signs, and I have given him the option to end the marriage and he doesn't want to. So, I get you! I have thought about cheating many times but that doesn't solve anything. I am fit, 47 yrs old, take care of myself, and I get hit on still frequently. I just don't get it either. And the hardest part is that he won't do anything about it. Our communication has been better but still not great. He used to have many excuses in the past and I would cry all of the time and feel alone. Now, I have a wall built up but I am still willing to figure it out.
> 
> The thing is, if someone is not attracted to you anymore or have fallen out of love or whatever the reason is, say so! Then we can move on.
> 
> I feel for you. I can see where you are coming from and still have no answers. I wish I could help you this but I can't. HUGS!


Why have you stayed?

Did you see the thread I posted to about women in sexless marriages? It might be of help to you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

IndianApple said:


> Surprise him by suddenly rubbing your hand over his penis while talking to him and check if there is any erection. If yes, simply slide down his trousers and bend on your knees to make him understand that you are crazy to give him blowjob rightaway. If he dont stop you then surely he is somewhat interested in you.


This is such a bad suggestion that I am shocked it was suggested.

The OP is a woman whose husband had been sexually rejecting her for years. Humiliating herself like this is not going to find out anything that she does not already know,


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CH said:


> Wow, you usually don't need a technique to get a man to sleep with you. All you have to do is breathe in their direction and most are ready to go. Even if you were stinky, smelly, dirty and just got back.


Yes, there are some men ( a very small number ) who will have sex with a woman who are stinky, smelly and dirty.

But we are talking about sex with a spouse.... ONE PERSON. 

And there are men, a fair number of them, who will not have sex with their wives no matter what their wife does. So to generalize that a woman can get sex so easily is not true and not a fair thing to say to women who cannot get sex with their spouse. That is after all what this thread is about.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Its depressingly common and many men and women are in this situation. People don't talk about it much, maybe they are worried that *they* are at fault. There is the concern that people will think something is wrong with you if you tell them that you are constantly rejected by your partner. Meanwhile you feel terrible about leaving your marriage "just" because of sex.

That is probably true in some cases, but in many a partner has either lost, or never had interest in sex at all. Nothing that you can do to fix it. 

You might consider posting a new thread on your situation (if you haven't already), and see what suggestions you get. Often though you are left with "leave", "cheat", "live like a monk / nun". 

I won't fault anyone in this situation for taking any of those choices.





BlueandBlond said:


> I am in the same situation. I have been married for 17+ years and with my husband for 20 years. I love sex and everything about it and it was really good for a long time. Then, after I had my third child who is 13 years old, he just wasn't interested anymore. Even before that it has slowed down but we were still active. He did have a vasectomy after our third child and I am not sure if that contributed to the problem in case he felt like "less of a man" in that respect. We have not had any sex in over 4 years! I am not happy about that and in 12 years we have only had sex 4 times and that is with me instigating. I have done everything from being very forward physically, just pleasing him with expecting nothing in return, we went to counselling for a period of time, and I know he masturbates, and I have asked him if he was cheating a few times even though there are not other signs, and I have given him the option to end the marriage and he doesn't want to. So, I get you! I have thought about cheating many times but that doesn't solve anything. I am fit, 47 yrs old, take care of myself, and I get hit on still frequently. I just don't get it either. And the hardest part is that he won't do anything about it. Our communication has been better but still not great. He used to have many excuses in the past and I would cry all of the time and feel alone. Now, I have a wall built up but I am still willing to figure it out.
> 
> The thing is, if someone is not attracted to you anymore or have fallen out of love or whatever the reason is, say so! Then we can move on.
> 
> I feel for you. I can see where you are coming from and still have no answers. I wish I could help you this but I can't. HUGS!


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## IndianApple (Mar 27, 2016)

FustratedinCA said:


> Guilt..as in he's having an affair? I don't think he's having an affair...at least the topic never crossed my mind.




@ OP : Do not assume things in life. I am neither telling you to doubt him. Find out if he have an affair. This is Just for you to know the root cause.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

BlueandBlond said:


> I am in the same situation. I have been married for 17+ years and with my husband for 20 years. I love sex and everything about it and it was really good for a long time. Then, after I had my third child who is 13 years old, he just wasn't interested anymore. Even before that it has slowed down but we were still active. He did have a vasectomy after our third child and I am not sure if that contributed to the problem in case he felt like "less of a man" in that respect. We have not had any sex in over 4 years! I am not happy about that and in 12 years we have only had sex 4 times and that is with me instigating. I have done everything from being very forward physically, just pleasing him with expecting nothing in return, we went to counselling for a period of time, and I know he masturbates, and I have asked him if he was cheating a few times even though there are not other signs, and I have given him the option to end the marriage and he doesn't want to. So, I get you! I have thought about cheating many times but that doesn't solve anything. I am fit, 47 yrs old, take care of myself, and I get hit on still frequently. I just don't get it either. And the hardest part is that he won't do anything about it. Our communication has been better but still not great. He used to have many excuses in the past and I would cry all of the time and feel alone. Now, I have a wall built up but I am still willing to figure it out.
> 
> The thing is, if someone is not attracted to you anymore or have fallen out of love or whatever the reason is, say so! Then we can move on.
> 
> I feel for you. I can see where you are coming from and still have no answers. I wish I could help you this but I can't. HUGS!


My 0.02:

1. Vasectomy, with him being too much shamed about it to acknowledge the problem, which is understandable. He may rather kill himself then face public humiliation.

2. A testosterone problem, after fulfilling his task as a procreator, the motivation lacks and he is fine with it.

3. He is gay, same ending as 2.


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## BlueandBlond (Jun 20, 2016)

I have stayed because I don't want to start over in life again. We have a pretty good life financially, etc., we get along well, we don't fight, and enjoy each other company. It is hard because if there was something terrible to add to it then it would be easier but there isn't. I am actually going to see a therapist starting this week and maybe I can get more strength over the next few months from it. It would break the kids hearts too as they wouldn't understand when they don't see a problem. I know that myself and the other lady aren't the only ones but it seems it always the men that has this problem or at least they are the ones that are more open about it.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Its really difficult.
I think that a lot of women do have this problem, but its difficult for them to talk about it. There is an (incorrect) assumption that men always want sex, and so people think that if a woman is being turned down, there must be something wrong with her. 

There seem to be a lot of men who don't want sex. Its just not socially acceptable for them to say so. 

I understand all the reasons not to leave - they are my own reasons as well. That doesn't make the situation any less miserable. 

I think you just need to be honest with yourself: can you be happy without a good sex life. If no, then leave, no one should be unhappy all their lives. If you can be happy, accept that this is how it will always. be. 




BlueandBlond said:


> I have stayed because I don't want to start over in life again. We have a pretty good life financially, etc., we get along well, we don't fight, and enjoy each other company. It is hard because if there was something terrible to add to it then it would be easier but there isn't. I am actually going to see a therapist starting this week and maybe I can get more strength over the next few months from it. It would break the kids hearts too as they wouldn't understand when they don't see a problem. I know that myself and the other lady aren't the only ones but it seems it always the men that has this problem or at least they are the ones that are more open about it.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

uhtred said:


> Its really difficult.
> I think that a lot of women do have this problem, but its difficult for them to talk about it. There is an (incorrect) assumption that men always want sex, and so people think that if a woman is being turned down, there must be something wrong with her.
> 
> There seem to be a lot of men who don't want sex. Its just not socially acceptable for them to say so.
> ...


Ehh...As I see it the problem is the cultural format of expectations that forces the husbands to commit to a mimicked gene expression (social accepted behavior) that is not their real gene expression ( their real self).

And THAT is difficult to talk about.

Men do indeed always think about sex, unless their core has been 'killed' or domesticated (Exception for medical/gender/gay issues) by cultural pounding. They always want sex, and look at all women to valuate them as possible sex partners. But that is a social taboo of immense magnitude. This is the core of the above mentioned problems.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

BlueandBlond said:


> I have stayed because I don't want to start over in life again. We have a pretty good life financially, etc., we get along well, we don't fight, and enjoy each other company. It is hard because if there was something terrible to add to it then it would be easier but there isn't. I am actually going to see a therapist starting this week and maybe I can get more strength over the next few months from it. It would break the kids hearts too as they wouldn't understand when they don't see a problem. I know that myself and the other lady aren't the only ones but it seems it always the men that has this problem or at least they are the ones that are more open about it.


A lot of women have this problem in their marriage. It's not really uncommon. About as many men choose to make their marriage sexless, or near sexless, as women do. IT's just that men talk about it more and men get more empathy when the talk about it. Generally women keep it to themselves because when we do bring it up, it's assume by others that we are at fault so the empathy and support is not there.

This is why I started the thread specifically for women in sexless marriages. There is some good stuff on that thread, you might benefit from it.

*http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/350970-sex-starved-wife-11.html#post16759658*


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Why is a low interest in sex any less likely to be innate than homosexuality? 




See_Listen_Love said:


> Ehh...As I see it the problem is the cultural format of expectations that forces the husbands to commit to a mimicked gene expression (social accepted behavior) that is not their real gene expression ( their real self).
> 
> And THAT is difficult to talk about.
> 
> Men do indeed always think about sex, unless their core has been 'killed' or domesticated (Exception for medical/gender/gay issues) by cultural pounding. They always want sex, and look at all women to valuate them as possible sex partners. But that is a social taboo of immense magnitude. This is the core of the above mentioned problems.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

uhtred said:


> Why is a low interest in sex any less likely to be innate than homosexuality?


That is not my statement I believe. What I observe (literally, so I do not have an objective measurement, but also science does not provide that as far as I know) is that besides the exceptions I mention, there is no man with a low interest in sex, unless it has been 'beaten' out of him, by cultural imposements.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

That seems to be a key question. Do "natural" LD men exist. I've seen posts and talked to people that seem to indicate that they do, but of course those are all from sources that may not be unbiased. 




See_Listen_Love said:


> That is not my statement I believe. What I observe (literally, so I do not have an objective measurement, but also science does not provide that as far as I know) is that besides the exceptions I mention, there is no man with a low interest in sex, unless it has been 'beaten' out of him, by cultural imposements.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

MJJEAN said:


> he doesn't seem to be interested in bothering.


That's what matters the most


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

uhtred said:


> That seems to be a key question. Do "natural" LD men exist. I've seen posts and talked to people that seem to indicate that they do, but of course those are all from sources that may not be unbiased.


I expect that 'natural LD' for a man means he has low testosterone. I think that can very simply be repaired by diet and exercise. Simple does not mean Easy, it will take effort. Especially resistance training will grow testosterone, and diet will repair a lot of other LD problems, which are thus not really LD problems like people expect, a bad diet is not a real medical cause. So actually psychology is the key factor.

My expectation, no science.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

BlueandBlond said:


> I am in the same situation. I have been married for 17+ years and with my husband for 20 years. I love sex and everything about it and it was really good for a long time. Then, after I had my third child who is 13 years old, he just wasn't interested anymore. Even before that it has slowed down but we were still active. He did have a vasectomy after our third child and I am not sure if that contributed to the problem in case he felt like "less of a man" in that respect. We have not had any sex in over 4 years! I am not happy about that and in 12 years we have only had sex 4 times and that is with me instigating. I have done everything from being very forward physically, just pleasing him with expecting nothing in return, we went to counselling for a period of time, and I know he masturbates, and I have asked him if he was cheating a few times even though there are not other signs, and I have given him the option to end the marriage and he doesn't want to. So, I get you! I have thought about cheating many times but that doesn't solve anything. I am fit, 47 yrs old, take care of myself, and I get hit on still frequently. I just don't get it either. And the hardest part is that he won't do anything about it. Our communication has been better but still not great. He used to have many excuses in the past and I would cry all of the time and feel alone. Now, I have a wall built up but I am still willing to figure it out.
> 
> The thing is, if someone is not attracted to you anymore or have fallen out of love or whatever the reason is, say so! Then we can move on.
> 
> I feel for you. I can see where you are coming from and still have no answers. I wish I could help you this but I can't. HUGS!


Has your husband at least gone to get his testosterone checked?

I know when my body pretty much stopped stopped producing T, affection of any sort was gone.
This is a difficult thing to explain because if you have no experience in this issue, there simply is no way for you to understand or even empathize.

I'll try to explain it.
I had no ability for intimacy. That was simply gone from my existence.
I had no desire for sex (where in the past I would want 4 to 6 times a day, all day, every day)
Touching was gone.I had no desire to be touched or to touch anyone
intellectually I knew I wanted it and knew it was needed.
Physically and emotionally - no desire nor a want for it.
I couldn't care if I had sex again.

Let me add one more layer to it.
Oh you want sex- to bad. I don't nor do I care that you want it or need it. My ability to care for your intimacy needs no longer existed.
IT SIMPLY DOES NOT MATTER TO ME. I AM ABSOLUTELY INCAPABLE OF WHAT YOU NEED FOR SEX AND INTIMACY

I would say get him into a doctor ASAP.

As soon as I realized the issue, I got my butt to a doctor and got my levels corrected. (very low is considered to be around 300 - mine was 126)

For men that have low T, it can be life threatening


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

See_Listen_Love said:


> That is not my statement I believe. What I observe (literally, so I do not have an objective measurement, but also science does not provide that as far as I know) is that besides the exceptions I mention, there is no man with a low interest in sex, unless it has been 'beaten' out of him, by cultural imposements.



While your claim *A testosterone problem, after fulfilling his task as a procreator, the motivation lacks and he is fine with it.* could possibly have some merit, you simply ignore or are unable to understand issue where the male body no longer can/does produce testosterone.

Have your body stop producing testosterone and then make that claim again.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

snerg said:


> While your claim *A testosterone problem, after fulfilling his task as a procreator, the motivation lacks and he is fine with it.* could possibly have some merit, you simply ignore or are unable to understand issue where the male body no longer can/does produce testosterone.
> 
> Have your body stop producing testosterone and then make that claim again.


I believe you refer to this:

"My 0.02:

1. Vasectomy, with him being too much shamed about it to acknowledge the problem, which is understandable. He may rather kill himself then face public humiliation.

2. A testosterone problem, after fulfilling his task as a procreator, the motivation lacks and he is fine with it.

3. He is gay, same ending as 2."

I read this as me saying it could be a testosterone problem, which leads to that after fulfilling his task as procreator, he is lacking much motivation to have sex because of his testosterone problem. He himself sees his low testosterone problem not as a problem (typical) and is fine with the situation, he has done his job.

So I do NOT ignore the issue where the male body does not produce enough testosterone.

:scratchhead:

Maybe your question is different then?


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

OP, I'm sorry to hear of your situation. You have my sympathies. I had my own problems with an LD rejecting spouse.

The crux of the matter is whether your husband is _willing _to address the problem.

IMO this is a huge problem in a marriage that needs to be addressed by communication, empathy, affection and the LD actively doing something about the problem. Being rejected regularly, shot down or told 'maybe tomorrow' when tomorrow never comes is a depressing place to be in your marriage.

My problems with my husband were: communication - he didn't want to talk about it (or anything else relationship wise), not addressing why he was not wanting sex and low T.

I have not read through the entire thread so forgive me if the following points have already been covered :

1. Does he masturbate on a regular basis thereby expending his sexual energy without fulfulling your needs first?

2. Does he communicate with you or does he shut you out, not listen to you or give you the silent treatment?

3. Has he had his testosterone levels checked? (His FAI - free androgen index)

This problem is more common than most think. Women don't want to talk about it bc of the stereotype that all men are horndogs, ergo there must be something 'wrong' with us to not want to be wanted by our man. But as is the case, there are LD men just as there are LD women.

My husbands problem was a lack of testosterone. He tests came back as low T which the doctor said was fine. I asked my husband to please go back to the doctor and ask for a testosterone script. He ended up getting a bioidentical hormone cream to apply once a day. After about a week, his mood improved, his low level depression went and his libido increased. Thank God for that because I was as horny as hell and very frustrated :grin2:


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Testosterone is not the be all and end of of male sex drive, the "drive" part in HD also has a psychological component. A man with lower T can still be very HD if he likes sex and wants it.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

I have the impression a lot of low testosterone cases are caused by lifestyle factors, like obesity, diet, lack of sport. To mention another taboo....:whip:

:surprise: I go hide now...


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

MrsHolland said:


> Testosterone is not the be all and end of of male sex drive, the "drive" part in HD also has a psychological component. A man with lower T can still be very HD if he likes sex and wants it.


NO. Doesn't work that way. Testosterone is a massive (if not the main) component of the male sex drive

This is an assumption that everyone has that regardless of issues, all men are horndogs.

Once your T levels drop low enough, you simple no longer desire sex/intimacy. 

I wanted sex 4 to 6 times a day. I would be a very HD- once my T levels fell low enough, I was no longer HD.Nor was I LD. I was simply ND. Once my T levels were corrected,my drive came back. No where near to what the level was before, but it did come back.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

See_Listen_Love said:


> I believe you refer to this:
> 
> "1. Vasectomy, with him being too much shamed about it to acknowledge the problem, which is understandable. He may rather kill himself then face public humiliation.


Wait, what? How is vasectomy something to be shamed about or a public humiliation?

Are you saying he may have had some medical issue caused by the vasectomy procedure and doesn't want to admit there is a problem with his sex organs or that there is some cultural shame to having been surgically sterilized? 

In the U.S., surgical sterilization is fairly common among men and these men are often seen as desirable sex partners because their sterilization surgery removes the fear of unwanted pregnancy.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

MJJEAN said:


> Wait, what? How is vasectomy something to be shamed about or a public humiliation?
> 
> Are you saying *he may have had some medical issue caused by the vasectomy procedure and doesn't want to admit there is a problem with his sex organs* or that there is some cultural shame to having been surgically sterilized?
> 
> In the U.S., surgical sterilization is fairly common among men and these men are often seen as desirable sex partners because their sterilization surgery removes the fear of unwanted pregnancy.


The first one.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

snerg said:


> NO. Doesn't work that way. Testosterone is a massive (if not the main) component of the male sex drive
> 
> This is an assumption that everyone has that regardless of issues, all men are horndogs.
> 
> ...


Actually yes it certainly can work that way. Having been through this last year with MrH. His T is on the lower side but he is a VHD man, he is 55 and we have sex 7 plus times per week. He had one single episode of ED and straight to the Dr who both confirmed his low T AND that his mind was in control, if he wanted to maintain a healthy sex life he could and he has.

He knew something was happening with his body so went straight to the Dr. He has made minor changes with his diet and exercise routine as a preventative measure.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

See_Listen_Love said:


> The first one.


If he was willing to go for the vasectomy, he'd also be likely to speak to his doctor is there was some problem post surgery.


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## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

Porn


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