# I love you but I'm not in love with you....confused relationship



## lost_hsbnd (Jun 22, 2014)

My wife and I have been together for 10 years and married for 6. She is turning 30 and I am 35. A month ago she tried to tell me that she felt us growing apart and that she felt empty I side. I tried to talk to her about it, and it seemed like we got some connection. I knew we had been distant over the last two years but we were both pursuing our master's degree and working full time. I know that I was not the best husband in the world... I love my wife...I never cheated on her and never thought about leaving her, she is wonderful she would buy me cards and care for me. I felt more like a parent than partner the last couple of years, having to make sure the mortgage and other bills were paid, and caring for our dog...

A week after our original "talk" she told me she loves me but she is not in love with me and that I should let her go. We had a long talk and both cried. I told her that I accepted the fact that I was not the best husband, and how sorry I was. I explained that my priorities in life were not in order and after much thought our relationship ship was my priority. I told her I love her for who she is and I was sorry for not showing it. We decided to stay together but things have been difficult. I have been seeing a therapist twice a week for a month. He attributes my actions to my father and older brother who both did not respect their wives ( however I refuse to just use this as an excuse, I have taken full responsibility, and told her this) 

Life has changed, my wife still talks to me and does things for me. I have changed internally and feel a much deeper love for my wife; however I know that she does not feel the same. She says there is a lot going on in herhead, she sees that I have changed and that I am happy, and she says that she just doesn't know... she wanted to see her own therapist. I promised her that I would wait...knowing that the hurt and confusion wasn't caused in a day and that it would take time for her to heal and forgive. It's been a month and I know I'm being impatient, but it's just so hard when. It try to kiss her, she just gives me her forehead, when I hug her it feels empty, and when I try to hold her in bed I can feel her being uncomfortable. 

The bottom line is that she is also going through a mid life crisis of wanting a better career coupled with not knowing if she loves me anymore a has created the perfect storm. 

Can she fall in love with me again ? Is there more I could say or do? How long does it take to recommit to trying to love your spouse again,?!? 

-lost and confused husband.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

You need to do some digging. Once the ILYBINILWY speech has been given, the odds are pretty good that the speech-giver is seeing someone else.


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## Just Joe (May 26, 2014)

Every time I've heard of someone using "I love you but I'm not 'in love' with you," it turned out later that they were cheating.


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> You need to do some digging. Once the ILYBINILWY speech has been given, the odds are pretty good that the speech-giver is seeing someone else.


Yup. :iagree:

You're accepting the burden of the relationship without being objective. There are probably a ton of things you could do better. What is she owning up to? Is she likewise working to improve a problem? Nope. 

My money is on that she's already acquired a target or has begun to pursue another relationship. 

Start digging and good luck. 

~ Passio


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

She is in love with someone else, perhaps someone she met in her Master's program?

Let her go. She is telling you exactly how she feels. She is not in love with you anymore.

Save yourself years of heartache and LISTEN to what she is telling you.

Sorry if that seems too blunt, but your situation is not unique around here. I'm sorry for what you're going through. 

P.S. She's awfully young for a "midlife crisis." This is an excuse YOU are making to justify her behavior in your own mind.


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

My husband fed me the same line and he was having an affair. He was the last person anyone that knows him thought would have one.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

If true love, real attraction and passion existed, then the only way for that to change is for her to have found someone else more desirable IMO.

I'm just not a big believer in the whole "we've just grown apart" rhetoric. Love is a choice and the only way one falls out of love is to choose to do it. Conversely, one can also choose to fall back into love through actions.

If someone has fallen out of love with you, the question becomes why did they choose to do that. As others have intimated, perhaps there is someone else who has caught her eye. 

If this were to happen to me, I would change my strategy from that of a married guy to that of a single guy and begin to pursue other women, including my wife. Mach always talks about sex rank and in this case, you've become less attractive to her. Well, you need to elevate your sex rank and fast. How did you win her to begin with? What did you do that you now don't do? Whatever it was that attracted her to you initially is what you need to go back to.

And if it doesn't work on her again, you've got a good head start on attracting another woman.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Sorry this is happening in your life. 

Are you both going to counselling? This would be a good time to start it.

Like the others, I agree that the ILUBINILWY speech is probably a clue that she *thinks* she is in love with someone else...Emotional Affair or Physical Affair.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Ugh...
Voice activated recorder in her car asap!!!
You will get answers, most you may not like.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Just Joe said:


> Every time I've heard of someone using "I love you but I'm not 'in love' with you," it turned out later that they were cheating.


Unfortunately this is usually the case. If not already she has someone in mind that she has shifted her affection to.

It will take decisive ACTION to help her clear her head about what she is doing.

I'm sorry.


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## areyouserious? (Jun 22, 2014)

Listen ... I am seeing here where everyone is saying that she must be cheating and all and whereas this isn't necessarily an impossibility, it doesn't mean that's what's going on. My ex husband and I divorced because we really did grow apart. Initially when we'd gotten together we had several things in common but none of them were what could keep a marriage going. Once we got married, we came to realize that what had been keeping us together was simply not what was present in our marriage. Although we'd tried to make it work out, we decided that we made better friends than husband and wife. 
And to be honest ... until now, I have never actually been "in love" with anyone I'd been in a relationship with. I believe there is a difference - a huge difference. 
The fact that the two of you have decided to stick it out says something. If she wants to see her own counselor, it's probably because she has a lot of inner turmoil happening that may not necessarily have anything at all to do with you; or at least not entirely. Women reach a certain age and we DO go through a change. I am not talking about menopause, I am talking about the way we see ourselves. We wake up one day and panic, suddenly feeling like time is running out and all of the things we'd dreamed of doing seem suddenly very impossible. Men do it too... but this doesn't mean all men who do, cheat. 
If you suspect there's someone else -- ask her. There's nothing wrong with wanting the truth. But don't accuse her of it, because that will only cause her more reason to distance herself. 
I hope you can work it out. Sounds like the two of you could benefit from couples counseling, as well.


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## Just Joe (May 26, 2014)

tom67 said:


> Ugh...
> Voice activated recorder in her car asap!!!
> You will get answers, most you may not like.


Does she keep her phone close?

Can you look at her texts and calls on her phone?

Look at her phone bill.

If she is cheating, who would you guess it's with?

Aside from the I love you but I'm not in love with you, the other red flag is that she says you should "let her go." This is what cheaters say when they feel guilty. In her mind, she found someone else, she deserves happiness, and you deserve a woman who will make you happy, too.

Or maybe there is no one else and you have been really horrible to her. What exactly did you do that was so bad? You imply the relationship was not your priority, that you didn't show that you loved her for who she is, that you did not respect her.

What is the difference between "love" and "in love"? Is it sexual attraction?


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

areyouserious? said:


> Listen ... I am seeing here where everyone is saying that she must be cheating and all and whereas this isn't necessarily an impossibility, it doesn't mean that's what's going on. My ex husband and I divorced because we really did grow apart. Initially when we'd gotten together we had several things in common but none of them were what could keep a marriage going. Once we got married, we came to realize that what had been keeping us together was simply not what was present in our marriage. Although we'd tried to make it work out, we decided that we made better friends than husband and wife.
> And to be honest ... until now, I have never actually been "in love" with anyone I'd been in a relationship with. I believe there is a difference - a huge difference.
> The fact that the two of you have decided to stick it out says something. If she wants to see her own counselor, it's probably because she has a lot of inner turmoil happening that may not necessarily have anything at all to do with you; or at least not entirely. Women reach a certain age and we DO go through a change. I am not talking about menopause, I am talking about the way we see ourselves. We wake up one day and panic, suddenly feeling like time is running out and all of the things we'd dreamed of doing seem suddenly very impossible. Men do it too... but this doesn't mean all men who do, cheat.
> If you suspect there's someone else -- ask her. There's nothing wrong with wanting the truth. But don't accuse her of it, because that will only cause her more reason to distance herself.
> I hope you can work it out. Sounds like the two of you could benefit from couples counseling, as well.


You're entitled to your opinion, but there is a lot of experience here when that speech is given the speaker is almost always in an affair. The op is being advised to investigate, and if he's not a fool he'll take the advice.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Nucking Futs said:


> You're entitled to your opinion, but there is a lot of experience here when that speech is given the speaker is almost always in an affair. The op is being advised to investigate, and if he's not a fool he'll take the advice.


For sure. Faced w/ losing his wife and marriage, why shouldn't OP start digging a bit deeper?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

If your wife truly wanted to renew her feelings for you, she would. It's as simple as that. She would be showing affection, kissing, hugging, even when she wasn't feeling like it, she would be doing these things. 

You think she isn't making this effort because she isn't 'in love' with you. At this point it's really the other way around. She isn't 'in love' with you because she isn't making the effort. See the difference?

You need to find out why she isn't making the effort. It is entirely possible it's because she's found someone else, as previous posters have said. Whatever it is, you need to know.


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

areyouserious? said:


> Listen ... I am seeing here where everyone is saying that she must be cheating and all and whereas this isn't necessarily an impossibility, it doesn't mean that's what's going on. My ex husband and I divorced because we really did grow apart. Initially when we'd gotten together we had several things in common but none of them were what could keep a marriage going. Once we got married, we came to realize that what had been keeping us together was simply not what was present in our marriage. Although we'd tried to make it work out, we decided that we made better friends than husband and wife.
> And to be honest ... until now, I have never actually been "in love" with anyone I'd been in a relationship with. I believe there is a difference - a huge difference.
> The fact that the two of you have decided to stick it out says something. If she wants to see her own counselor, it's probably because she has a lot of inner turmoil happening that may not necessarily have anything at all to do with you; or at least not entirely. Women reach a certain age and we DO go through a change. I am not talking about menopause, I am talking about the way we see ourselves. We wake up one day and panic, suddenly feeling like time is running out and all of the things we'd dreamed of doing seem suddenly very impossible. Men do it too... but this doesn't mean all men who do, cheat.
> If you suspect there's someone else -- ask her. There's nothing wrong with wanting the truth. But don't accuse her of it, because that will only cause her more reason to distance herself.
> I hope you can work it out. Sounds like the two of you could benefit from couples counseling, as well.


:iagree:

RYS is not only entitled to her opinion, she has really experienced what she described in her post. Bit more than only an opinion, isn't it?

Plus I think she gave some good advice, which I second.

OP's wife is willing to go to IC... good sign IMO that she's still in doubt about leaving. And people in their "affair fog" don't tend to go to IC; they already have entirely rationalized the affair (and exit strategy) in their own heads. 

If she's also open to go to MC, they actually have a shot at saving the marriage.

And going all apesh*t about a possible affair isn't going to accomplish anything except losing it completely.

Anyway, the ILYB speech and the dreaded "grown apart" thing can be just that, without any cheating. Unfortunately, cheating or not, they are also typical precursors of the WAW syndrome, the n° 1 killer of the modern marriage...

You may want to google & read up on that, OP. 

Good luck. You already came to a good place for advice.

BTW: if you expand on why you think you have not been the ideal husband, you also may get some valuable pointers on what to do about it.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

EasyPartner said:


> :iagree:
> 
> RYS is not only entitled to her opinion, she has really experienced what she described in her post. Bit more than only an opinion, isn't it?
> 
> ...


So let me get this straight. You think, despite the hundreds of times we've seen this scenario play out as an affair, that simply investigating the possibility is out of bounds? You think the op should ignore the possibility?


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## nikoled (Mar 12, 2014)

My husband gave me the ILYBNIL speech on Feb 14. We both had a huge breakdown then started working hard on our marriage. Or so I thought....I found out on April 3 that he was having an affair. I would never have suspected him- he was crazy in love with me for most of our marriage. But he was working very hard on his career. He was stressed out and turned to another woman as an escape- to build him up when he was feeling like he was failing his family. Things are going pretty well for us now, but they had to completely shatter before we could rebuild unfortunately.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Whether she is cheating or not he needs to find out exactly what he is up against hence the need for a var,or two.


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

Nucking Futs said:


> So let me get this straight. You think, despite the hundreds of times we've seen this scenario play out as an affair, that simply investigating the possibility is out of bounds? You think the op should ignore the possibility?


Not saying that.

It's only human and natural that OP wonders about her having an affair or not.

What I am saying is:

- she may as well NOT have an affair. What she said doesn't always imply that;

- if OP becomes obsessed with the idea that she has one (true or not), and goes bonkers in the process, he'll drive her out of the door even faster. If that's what he wants, fine.

Or maybe he really prefers to save his marriage. In which case, FOR NOW, I would recommend to try to relax, give her some space, read up about the subject at hand and attend IC and MC.

IF she does have an affair, it will come out soon enough. OP can still decide what to do then.


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## bigbearsfan (Feb 11, 2014)

EasyPartner said:


> Not saying that.
> 
> It's only human and natural that OP wonders about her having an affair or not.
> 
> ...


What is up this bunch of tree hugging, loving hippie crap?:scratchhead:

Dude I will bet my next paycheck there is someone else.

All the therapy and counseling in the world wont do nothing if there is a third person involved.

OP, its time to investigate. If she is not cheating, wonderful work on yourself and your marriage. 
IF she is cheating, *YOU* will need to decide if *YOU* want this marriage or not.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

EasyPartner said:


> :iagree:
> 
> RYS is not only entitled to her opinion, she has really experienced what she described in her post. Bit more than only an opinion, isn't it?
> 
> ...


And if they do go to MC, they will tell the MC what they need to hear. They will go through the MC to shut the betrayed spouse up, but they won't really work on anything or make a huge effort.



EasyPartner said:


> If she's also open to go to MC, they actually have a shot at saving the marriage.
> 
> And going all apesh*t about a possible affair isn't going to accomplish anything except losing it completely.


Nope. TAM has a process in which you completely verify the affair(s) with several forms of identification. Phone records, texts, vars, keystroke loggins, social media website info's, etc.



EasyPartner said:


> Anyway, the ILYB speech and the dreaded "grown apart" thing can be just that, without any cheating. Unfortunately, cheating or not, they are also typical precursors of the WAW syndrome, the n° 1 killer of the modern marriage...


Having been a former cheater over 15 years ago, is that you "grow apart" in milliseconds once you start having sex with the AP. It happens quickly and you notice a huge gulf with you and your spouse.



EasyPartner said:


> You may want to google & read up on that, OP.
> 
> Good luck. You already came to a good place for advice.
> 
> BTW: if you expand on why you think you have not been the ideal husband, you also may get some valuable pointers on what to do about it.


Ideal husbands even get cheated on even more. A good husband is going to have a good alpha beta balance, and he's also not going to be 100% predictable, it doesn't work in this world.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

nikoled said:


> My husband gave me the ILYBNIL speech on Feb 14. We both had a huge breakdown then started working hard on our marriage. Or so I thought....I found out on April 3 that he was having an affair. I would never have suspected him- he was crazy in love with me for most of our marriage. But he was working very hard on his career. He was stressed out and turned to another woman as an escape- to build him up when he was feeling like he was failing his family. Things are going pretty well for us now, but they had to completely shatter before we could rebuild unfortunately.


Wow!

After reading this post I felt really sorry for you.

Feb 14 is Valentines Day...
Kinda cruel irony.
Then the affair at work.
Perfect storm.

At least you all are working on things.
I sincerely hope that within time , the pain would heal and things would get better than they were before.
Best wishes.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

lost_hsbnd said:


> A week after our original "talk" she told me she loves me but she is not in love with me and that I should let her go. We had a long talk and both cried. I told her that I accepted the fact that *I was not the best husband, and how sorry I was. I explained that my priorities in life were not in order *and after much thought our relationship ship was my priority. *I told her I love her for who she is and I was sorry for not showing it.* We decided to stay together but things have been difficult. * I have been seeing a therapist twice a week for a month. He attributes my actions to my father and older brother who both did not respect their wives ( however I refuse to just use this as an excuse, I have taken full responsibility, and told her this)*
> 
> she wanted to see her own therapist. I promised her that I would wait...*knowing that the hurt and confusion wasn't caused in a day* and that it would take time for her to heal and forgive. It's been a month and I know I'm being impatient, but it's just so hard


So what have you been doing that was disrespectful and hurtful to your wife? How long have you been doing it? Throughout your marriage? 

_Do you actually respect her or not?_

A woman can fall out of love when she feels her husband doesn't respect her and treats her like crap. Things can improve, but it will take a lot longer than a month! 

She needs to see and feel the change in you, AND she needs to see it consistently for a long period of time before she can trust that you have truly changed your perspective. And she will need time to get over the hurt that you caused, whatever that was.

The other thing to keep in mind is that she was 20 when she married you 10 years ago. There is a huge amount of growing and learning and change that goes on in your 20's. Most people are very different, and see the world and themselves differently, and want different things out of life at 30 than they did at 20. It may be very true that you've grown apart.

However, this respect and hurt issue seems like it's big enough to push her away all on its own.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Pamvhv said:


> My husband fed me the same line and he was having an affair. He was the last person anyone that knows him thought would have one.


 Sorry Pam, that honor goes to my hubby...

-sammy


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## lost_hsbnd (Jun 22, 2014)

norajane said:


> So what have you been doing that was disrespectful and hurtful to your wife? How long have you been doing it? Throughout your marriage?
> 
> _Do you actually respect her or not?_
> 
> ...


Everyone thank you for the advice, while I will never know if the thought of an affair crossed her mind, I know for sure she has not had a physical affair. I, much like the rest of you thought that and checked with multiple sources. I think this writer hit in on the head that my wife has gone through a lot of growth... Part of the conversation we had was that I didn't let her grow or support her growth much during the last couple of years...I just hope that time and my actions will prove to her that I can be the best for her...


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Best of luck to you, sir! I honestly hope that we don't see you over in the "Coping With Infidelity" forum within the coming weeks/months.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

lost_hsbnd said:


> Everyone thank you for the advice, while I will never know if the thought of an affair crossed her mind, I know for sure she has not had a physical affair. I, much like the rest of you thought that and checked with multiple sources. I think this writer hit in on the head that my wife has gone through a lot of growth... Part of the conversation we had was that I didn't let her grow or support her growth much during the last couple of years...I just hope that time and my actions will prove to her that I can be the best for her...


I hope that you also come to a place where you have a conversation about whether her actions are the best for you.

I wish you the best man.


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## nikoled (Mar 12, 2014)

sammy3 said:


> Sorry Pam, that honor goes to my hubby...
> 
> -sammy


Yep, mine too- last guy you would ever suspect. I now know that "being a nice guy" is not really an ideal quality in a husband.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

EasyPartner said:


> Not saying that.
> 
> It's only human and natural that OP wonders about her having an affair or not.
> 
> ...


The bolded part: He needs to find out ASAP if she's having an affair, which I'll bet she probably is. Waiting around to see if it "comes out" is about the worst thing he can do. First thing is to search (quietly) and do a thorough job of it. Time isn't his friend. 

And a simple observation from my time on this forum: The ILoveYouButNotInLoveWithYou speech pretty much always is followed by the discovery of an affair. I'm open to the possibility that it's something else, but I haven't seen it yet. So my money's on her having an affair partner.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

lost_hsbnd said:


> Everyone thank you for the advice, while I will never know if the thought of an affair crossed her mind,* I know for sure she has not had a physical affair. *I, much like the rest of you thought that and checked with multiple sources. I think this writer hit in on the head that my wife has gone through a lot of growth... Part of the conversation we had was that I didn't let her grow or support her growth much during the last couple of years...I just hope that time and my actions will prove to her that I can be the best for her...


I/we hope you are right. If you spend enough time here you'll see this over and over. And, many times, there's an affair.

Good luck.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

lost_hsbnd said:


> Everyone thank you for the advice, while I will never know if the thought of an affair crossed her mind, * I know for sure she has not had a physical affair.* I, much like the rest of you thought that and checked with multiple sources. I think this writer hit in on the head that my wife has gone through a lot of growth... Part of the conversation we had was that I didn't let her grow or support her growth much during the last couple of years...I just hope that time and my actions will prove to her that I can be the best for her...


Would you mind sharing how you arrived at this determination? It might help someone else in your shoes to be able to use your techniques for verifying that she's not cheating.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

Nucking Futs said:


> Would you mind sharing how you arrived at this determination? It might help someone else in your shoes to be able to use your techniques for verifying that she's not cheating.


Yeah, to find everything out in such a short period of time and to be that thorough.....that's info that needs to be shared!


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## ecotime47 (Apr 3, 2013)

Hang in there bro. I'm glad to hear you're seeing a therapist but you guys really need to be seeing one together..... get it all out in the open and deal with it.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I say this to my husband now after 3 years of TOTAL BS ON HIS PART.

And I mean it.

And there is no one else.

Unless you've put her through some traumatic things (like leaving twice to be happy, effing up money situations and having her check be garnished, being shady and lying about everything)...then she probably is interested in someone else.


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