# Fingers and Toes Crossed!!!



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Some of you may know that my H had an EA w someone at work. Its been a really rocky road and it's very difficult to try to move forward while he still works 10ft from her. 

WELL....today he got a call from a place he has interviewed with twice! They called to say that while a final decision will not be made until April 16th(hiring manager on vacation) ....he is the TOP candidate to date. 

We really NEED this break. SOOOOO, if you guys will just cross your fingers, knock on some wood or pray I would be grateful!!!


Thanks in advance. 

CTU


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

Whoo Hoo!!! That is AMAZING news. I know this will give you so much more ability to continue your R and move forward. I'm so happy to hear the good news!


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

That would be a great thing!!! Keeping my fingers crossed for you both!!!


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Great stuff, hope you get this much needed respite.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

I'm already praying for you but I'll say a few extra for you now. I truly hope this works out for both of you. I'll cross everything I have.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Prayers and good mojo coming your way.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Ingalls said:


> Whoo Hoo!!! That is AMAZING news. I know this will give you so much more ability to continue your R and move forward. I'm so happy to hear the good news!


Ingalls,

Thats just it, we cant move forward with him still THERE. Im losing the ability to feel anything at all except the churning in my belly. The jealousy..gone. THe pain...subsiding. I just cant seem to feel anything. Self preservation? All I can think about is "well he is still right there so dont get too comfortable" and so i just feel...empty.
Im hoping a new job will help me move forward if he is away from HER.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Oh I hope it works out!! This would be so good for you guys.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Ingalls,
> 
> Thats just it, we cant move forward with him still THERE. Im losing the ability to feel anything at all except the churning in my belly. The jealousy..gone. THe pain...subsiding. I just cant seem to feel anything. Self preservation? All I can think about is "well he is still right there so dont get too comfortable" and so i just feel...empty.
> Im hoping a new job will help me move forward if he is away from HER.


Careful though, because you can move forward still even if this job doesn't pan out. You have lots of prayers for his new job so stay hopeful still because it will happen. Him moving to a new job would be an "icing on the cake" but if this new job doesn't pan out, you can still fall back on the fact that he is working on your R too. YOU CAN DO IT AND BE STRONG...


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

canttrustu,

My thoughts and prayers are still with you every day. Stay strong and stay hopeful.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> canttrustu,
> 
> My thoughts and prayers are still with you every day. Stay strong and stay hopeful.


Thanks Beo, I am doing my best. Today is a 'strange' feeling. He is back in his office for the first time in a couple of weeks(which means he is with HER). Strangely enough, I cant define my 'feelings'. ..or lack of them. I feel pressure in my chest. I do not feel jealousy or pain? I dont understand. Its scary in a way but welcome in a way. Make sense?


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Thanks Beo, I am doing my best. Today is a 'strange' feeling. He is back in his office for the first time in a couple of weeks(which means he is with HER). Strangely enough, I cant define my 'feelings'. ..or lack of them. I feel pressure in my chest. I do not feel jealousy or pain? I dont understand. Its scary in a way but welcome in a way. Make sense?


Yes, you're scared but hopeful. You have essentially been in limbo and now you feel that if things are going to come to a head they will now. He will either reject her completely and finally or he will weaken and fold. I think he is going to be strong and look forward to the day he doesn't have to see her again...ever.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> Yes, you're scared but hopeful. You have essentially been in limbo and now you feel that if things are going to come to a head they will now. He will either reject her completely and finally or he will weaken and fold. I think he is going to be strong and look forward to the day he doesn't have to see her again...ever.


I hope youre right. Why do you think so?


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

It makes sense to a BS, I am not sure you can really explain it to someone that does not have that in common with you. Best of luck and I will say a prayer for you and the new job


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> I hope youre right. Why do you think so?


Why do I think he will stay strong. Because he has seen over the past couple of weeks the pain he has caused and from what you've written he sounds like he is willing to do the work necessary to repair the marriage. It would certainly be easier if he didn't work with her but you both decided to hold off on his resignation. When he comes home I would make sure to sit down and talk. Watch his body language and especially look into his eyes. Let him know how anxious you were all day and tell him he needs to keep communicating honestly and openly with you.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

mahike said:


> It makes send to a BS, I am not sure you can really explain it to someone that does not have that in common with you. Best of luck and I will say a prayer for you and the new job


Thats why I come here Mahike. I can talk to my friends/family but until you've experience this first hand-you dont really get it. I used to THINK I did but -NO. Unfortunately, now I do and I will never forget this particular brand of agony.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> Why do I think he will stay strong. Because he has seen over the past couple of weeks the pain he has caused and from what you've written he sounds like he is willing to do the work necessary to repair the marriage. It would certainly be easier if he didn't work with her but you both decided to hold off on his resignation. When he comes home I would make sure to sit down and talk. Watch his body language and especially look into his eyes. Let him know how anxious you were all day and tell him he needs to keep communicating honestly and openly with you.


He has read a few books and gone to a couple of IC sessions in the past couple of weeks. He listens(or sometimes just sits in silence next to me on the floor when I cant speak anymore), he has told his family, my brother knows, our oldest kids know, he has definately had to take some heat from me and has weathered it. He wrote the Magna carta of Fidelity(in his own handwriting-ty Bandit) leaving no stone unturned. He has opologized so many times, each time explaining a new way that he gets what he did to himself, to me and to us. He is not proud. He is humbled by his self reflection. All of this I see. It gives me hope. All of that said, I dont see him in the same way that I used to. I dont have the same respect for him. THe same love for him. I hope over time, as I regain trust and see that he has changed, these things can come back. Thats my hope. 

I know he is trying but I cant help thinking about those yrs when I was busting a$$ in this marriage and he was thinking only of himself 8-10hrs a day then coming home and looking me square in the eye and lying through his teeth. I dont think I can move past that as long as he is sitting right there with HER. Part of his penance is to give up a good job that he has worked hard for because he has to get out of her grip and not put me in jail(so to speak) everyday when he goes to work.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> He has read a few books and gone to a couple of IC sessions in the past couple of weeks. He listens(or sometimes just sits in silence next to me on the floor when I cant speak anymore), he has told his family, my brother knows, our oldest kids know, he has definately had to take some heat from me and has weathered it. He wrote the Magna carta of Fidelity(in his own handwriting-ty Bandit) leaving no stone unturned. He has opologized so many times, each time explaining a new way that he gets what he did to himself, to me and to us. He is not proud. He is humbled by his self reflection. All of this I see. It gives me hope. All of that said, I dont see him in the same way that I used to. I dont have the same respect for him. THe same love for him. I hope over time, as I regain trust and see that he has changed, these things can come back. Thats my hope. Are these normal feelings?


Everything you describe is incredibly normal. Think of it this way. You've been cut very deeply. The initial pain is intense and excruciating. After some time the wound gets a bit numb as the endorphins kick in. This is probably where you are now. Soon the wound will begin to throb and bother you more. You will get angry at him and possibly lash out when you trigger. Eventually it will start to heal and itch. You will want to scratch that itch but questioning him again and again. Then the wound will scab over. It will bother you less and less but the scab will serve as a reminder of your pain. You will start to feel things for him again as you heal and you both work on the marriage together. At some point the scar tissue may tug once in a while reminding you that it wasn't that long ago that you were hurt. Eventually the scar will fade and soften over time. You won't notice it most of the time and in fact the area around the scar has now compensated making you stronger and wiser. Your husband will see that you are a different person. More confident and self reliant. He will learn to appreciate the new you and you both will treasure your marriage because it was almost lost.

Of course the healing process can be derailed at any point. You may pull out the stitches. You husband might carelessly injure you again. He may even wound you again but if he does you are now prepared for that. I don't see your recovery being derailed given how things have gone for you these past weeks. You will never look at him the same way again. And he will never look at you the same way again. Morrigan and I do not see the people we were before her affair. We both threw away our rose colored glasses long ago. I see her in the light of reality and she is more beautiful than anything I could ever imagine. Certainly more beautiful than any rose colored version I imagined. You and your husband will see each other differently as well. But different is not necessarily bad. Different is oftentimes very good. And your love will grow again as trust is reestablished. Give yourself time. Give him time to prove himself again to you. You are stronger than you realize.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Hoping this works out for you. Keep strong.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> Hoping this works out for you. Keep strong.


How's it going for you thor?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I almost blew it. My anger was out of control and the heavy drinking early on made my wife want to D me. I do not blame her. We came a long way over the weekend. No sex, not much affection and i need it. But it was my fault. My sons turned against me and two of her brothers due to my anger. I was able to talk to one son (the other one is in Virginia) and her one brother. I promised not to get out of control again. I said I have a right to be angry but not out of control.

Talk about reversals. 

Being apart during the week stinks and I told my wife if we were together everyday I would have not been out of control because my mind goes places and imagines things that are not happening. Not excusing my drinking and abusive outbursts, but we would be further along in the process. 

Can't wait till we move into our new home so we can be together to work things out.

I understand why my wife shut down. It was my fault. I would have gotten a lot more out of her in the past months if I had been nicer.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

It doesn't let her off the hook though Thorburn. She has much to answer for. Don't let her twist things around and make you the bad guy. Your not the cheater.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> It doesn't let her off the hook though Thorburn. She has much to answer for. Don't let her twist things around and make you the bad guy. Your not the cheater.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes she does and I hear you. 

We are all hoping for canttrustu to get the break she needs.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> I almost blew it. My anger was out of control and the heavy drinking early on made my wife want to D me. I do not blame her. We came a long way over the weekend. No sex, not much affection and i need it. But it was my fault. My sons turned against me and two of her brothers due to my anger. I was able to talk to one son (the other one is in Virginia) and her one brother. I promised not to get out of control again. I said I have a right to be angry but not out of control.
> 
> Talk about reversals.
> 
> ...


Well thats a good thing to realize/admit. BUT, Bandit makes a good point the cheating must be atoned. YOU didnt make tHAT choice. YOU are responsible for you but absolute not for her actions whatsoever.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Well thats a good thing to realize/admit.


Has to do with honesty and getting help. I realize that we need to look at ourselves as well as the WS to work through things if we truely want R. I gave up a lot of leverage in getting answers by my behavior and it can't be undone. I am hoping that I can use this in the future. When I feel the time is right I will say, hey, I screwed up by drinking and being real nasty to you, you told me to change or you will D me, I did and the proof has been shown to you over and over again, I called your brothers and admitted to being over the top with you, I talked to our sons, I said I was sorry and showed you by my actions that I meant it, but now I need you to come clean with all the gaps in your story. I will say that this is a two way street and you need to open up as well. But right now I just have to show her by my actions that she will not get blasted and that I can be a safe place for her like I use to be. But I will not let her off the hook but i need to do so with more tact. 


Canttrustu, I wish things could be sped up for you.

You are a good girl, try to keep positive.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> Has to do with honesty and getting help. I realize that we need to look at ourselves as well as the WS to work through things if we truely want R. I gave up a lot of leverage in getting answers by my behavior and it can't be undone. I am hoping that I can use this in the future. When I feel the time is right I will say, hey, I screwed up by drinking and being real nasty to you, you told me to change or you will D me, I did and the proof has been shown to you over and over again, I called your brothers and admitted to being over the top with you, I talked to our sons, I said I was sorry and showed you by my actions that I meant it, but now I need you to come clean with all the gaps in your story. I will say that this is a two way street and you need to open up as well. But right now I just have to show her by my actions that she will not get blasted and that I can be a safe place for her like I use to be. But I will not let her off the hook but i need to do so with more tact.
> 
> 
> Canttrustu, I wish things could be sped up for you.
> ...


I think thats a good attitude Thor. If she fears you there's no way she's gonna open up. And you stand to lose more than just her it sounds like...

And, thank you I'm trying. He is working hard and my eyes are WIDE open.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

I promise I'm not going to threadjack canttrustu but I'd like to respond to Thorburn now that I have more time.

Thor,

I don't know how aware you are of my story but in one major way it mirrors yours. After D-day my wife was trying very hard to reconcile. I on the other hand was just waiting for her to screw up because then I could divorce her and still say I tried. Sad huh? Anyway, she never screwed up. She was true to her word and was remorseful with words and actions. I held my emotions in for three months until finally they exploded out. I unleashed a tirade on Morrigan that was truly vicious. She never got defensive or fought back. She took it because she felt she deserved it. That only made me angrier so I continued more and more each day. This went on for more than a week until finally one day I was so emotionally and verbally abusive that she just curled up in a ball on the floor in the fetal position crying hysterically. I broke her. Seeing her lying there I realized that what she had done was no doubt a terrible thing but my response was not just over the top, it was sick. I then realized I needed to work on me and find a way to deal with the anger and frustration I had.

I'm glad you recognize what you were doing was destructive, not only to your marriage but to yourself. Yes what your wife did was reprehensible but she needs to be able to work on atoning for her bad choices. Reconciliation requires two people to participate and you need to find a way to deal with the pain and anguish you are feeling. If you were with each other every day your wife could help you with that. As things stand now you are alone much of the time. I think IC is a good starting point for you. Take care bud.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> I promise I'm not going to threadjack canttrustu but I'd like to respond to Thorburn now that I have more time.
> 
> Thor,
> 
> ...


Not a problem AT ALL Beo. I asked Thor how he was b/c I know he has been struggling. To me TAM is about helping whoever needs it. Right here, Thor needs it.


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## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> He has read a few books and gone to a couple of IC sessions in the past couple of weeks. He listens(or sometimes just sits in silence next to me on the floor when I cant speak anymore), he has told his family, my brother knows, our oldest kids know, he has definately had to take some heat from me and has weathered it. He wrote the Magna carta of Fidelity(in his own handwriting-ty Bandit) leaving no stone unturned. He has opologized so many times, each time explaining a new way that he gets what he did to himself, to me and to us. He is not proud. He is humbled by his self reflection. All of this I see. It gives me hope. All of that said, I dont see him in the same way that I used to. I dont have the same respect for him. THe same love for him. I hope over time, as I regain trust and see that he has changed, these things can come back. Thats my hope.
> 
> I know he is trying but I cant help thinking about those yrs when I was busting a$$ in this marriage and he was thinking only of himself 8-10hrs a day then coming home and looking me square in the eye and lying through his teeth. I dont think I can move past that as long as he is sitting right there with HER. Part of his penance is to give up a good job that he has worked hard for because he has to get out of her grip and not put me in jail(so to speak) everyday when he goes to work.


canttrustu, can you tell me what books he has read? and does it help him to understand how the whole A happens and why its so necessary that NC will need to happen to get a sucessful R?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Not a problem AT ALL Beo. I asked Thor how he was b/c I know he has been struggling. To me TAM is about helping whoever needs it. Right here, Thor needs it.


thanks


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> thanks


No need for thanks Thor. I hope youre feeling better.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

DownUnder said:


> canttrustu, can you tell me what books he has read? and does it help him to understand how the whole A happens and why its so necessary that NC will need to happen to get a sucessful R?


dU, He has read 'Hold on to your N.U.T.S. author Levine
Boundaries author Henry cloud
He is about to read 'No More Mr.Nice Guy' Robert Glover

As far as understanding the NC he needs to move out of the fog to get that part. Has he the read the 'fog' here on TAM? Thats where my H started. Thats where he first learned about the fog. He also learned that he was 'glamourizing' her. His ideal of her was based on a fictitious character that he invented in his own head not the real person. Its easy to idolize this 'character' that has no obligation to you. they dont pay bills w/you, they dont raise children w/you, they havent held your head while you puke etc....


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> dU, He has read 'Hold on to your N.U.T.S. author Levine
> Boundaries author Henry cloud
> He is about to read 'No More Mr.Nice Guy' Robert Glover
> 
> As far as understanding the NC he needs to move out of the fog to get that part. Has the read the 'fog' here on TAM? Thats where my H started. Thats where he first learned about the fog. He also learned that he was 'glamourizing' her. His ideal of her was based on a fictitious character that he invented in his own head not the real person. Its easy to idolize this 'character' that has no obligation to you. they dont pay bills w/you, they dont raise children w/you, they havent held your head while you puke etc....


And when you're in the fog if the AP pukes it comes out rainbows and sparkles.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> And when you're in the fog if the AP pukes it comes out rainbows and sparkles.


I thought only my AP puked rainbows and sparkles - you mean they all do that??? What a let down


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## StangMama (Apr 10, 2012)

Good Luck!!!


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## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> And when you're in the fog if the AP pukes it comes out rainbows and sparkles.


LMAO 

Thanks for making me smile today


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## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> dU, He has read 'Hold on to your N.U.T.S. author Levine
> Boundaries author Henry cloud
> He is about to read 'No More Mr.Nice Guy' Robert Glover
> 
> As far as understanding the NC he needs to move out of the fog to get that part. Has he the read the 'fog' here on TAM? Thats where my H started. Thats where he first learned about the fog. He also learned that he was 'glamourizing' her. His ideal of her was based on a fictitious character that he invented in his own head not the real person. Its easy to idolize this 'character' that has no obligation to you. they dont pay bills w/you, they dont raise children w/you, they havent held your head while you puke etc....


I sent you a PM.

Im following one thread called 'fog' but not sure if there is another one that started a while back that ive missed out.

Can you link me to the thread you are talking about pls?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

DownUnder said:


> I sent you a PM.
> 
> Im following one thread called 'fog' but not sure if there is another one that started a while back that ive missed out.
> 
> Can you link me to the thread you are talking about pls?


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/21172-never-say-never.html

Read this. It's not an excuse, it's clarification. I tells you what a beast it truly is AND that what he's is feeling is NOT true love. If possible have HIM read it. It helped my H ALOT.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

SO tomorrow COULD be the big day! We could find out if he got the job!!! Oh PLEASE God. For him, For me .....For us. Say an extra prayer for us tonight, please. We need this break more than you know.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> SO tomorrow COULD be the big day! We could find out if he got the job!!! Oh PLEASE God. For him, For me .....For us. Say an extra prayer for us tonight, please. We need this break more than you know.


You know I will and you do need a break. Good luck.


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## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> SO tomorrow COULD be the big day! We could find out if he got the job!!! Oh PLEASE God. For him, For me .....For us. Say an extra prayer for us tonight, please. We need this break more than you know.


Will say a prayer specially for you tonight


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

Prayers
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FormerNiceGuy (Feb 13, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> SO tomorrow COULD be the big day! We could find out if he got the job!!! Oh PLEASE God. For him, For me .....For us. Say an extra prayer for us tonight, please. We need this break more than you know.


One of the most helpful things I learned in my recovery was to let go of outcomes. Things unfold the way they are supposed to. Hard not to judge them sometimes, but people do a lot better when they don't.

Keep your faith We are all out here rooting for you.


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## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

Just checking back to see if you hear any news about the job yet? 

im waiting to hear in suspense....been praying for you


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Any news?
I'm in a similar situation. My H still works with his AP so I know what you are going through.
Good luck
X
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Any news?
> I'm in a similar situation. My H still works with his AP so I know what you are going through.
> Good luck
> X
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Is he looking for a new job? Does he have contact w/her?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

So yesterday OW called(totally work related) but OMG what a TRIGGER! He took the call in front of me so as to leave no doubt(he has no choice but to answer if/when she calls, she's the boss). Worst part....he hung up said "that was_____". ANd went right on like no big flipping deal! He was annoyed but had NO concern for the fact that it may have driven me NUTS!!! He simply doesnt really get the misery here. Yes it was full transparency. But what about the compassion and the reassurance??? None. I think he was too busy with his own discomfort in having to speak to her in my presence. Understandable. But at some point it would have hit me(if I were in his position) that it would cause him pain...

If he doesnt get the heck outta there Im gonna go nuts.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Is he looking for a new job? Does he have contact w/her?


No he's not looking at the moment not many teaching positions around at the moment.
Yes he has contact with her as in he works in the same building but he says he hasn't spoken to her since the A ended.
It's really tough. ESP as we had a false R last year. But I'm as sure as I possibly can be that's it's over but I've had a bad day today. 
Needed done comfort, and for the first time in 3 weeks he was a little ''off' with me. I know I'm feeling sensitive at the moment but I just wonder sometimes if it's worth the struggle.
X
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> No he's not looking at the moment not many teaching positions around at the moment.
> Yes he has contact with her as in he works in the same building but he says he hasn't spoken to her since the A ended.
> It's really tough. ESP as we had a false R last year. But I'm as sure as I possibly can be that's it's over but I've had a bad day today.
> Needed done comfort, and for the first time in 3 weeks he was a little ''off' with me. I know I'm feeling sensitive at the moment but I just wonder sometimes if it's worth the struggle.
> ...


I understand Daisy. He should have a NC letter if he isnt REQUIRED to have interaction w/her. If my H wasnt REQUIRED and he ever had ANYTHING to do w/her again, it would be over.

Is he transparent w/his phone and computer and time and whearabouts? Has he put in for a transfer to a different school perhaps?


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Yes he's transparent with everything. I have full access to his phone and itemised bill. He doesnt use the pc much and doesn't have an FB account.
We spend all our time together when he isn't in work apart from the odd ocassion when he walks the dogs alone. 
During his MLC and A He shut down emotionally from me completely. Now he is transparent about his feelings and wants to talk about us and our marriage, the future, the A etc etc.
I know it's over. But when you've been hurt so deep it's very difficult to relax and let it go completely.
The work situation doesn't help at all so if it doesn't improve then we will have to look into him transferring or moving jobs.
We were hoping the OW wld leave, she had a crazy couple of days after H finished it and she was off work for 3 weeks. But she's just come back. Good thing though I've got a couple of friends on the inside keeping an eye on the situation for me too.
X
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> So yesterday OW called(totally work related) but OMG what a TRIGGER! He took the call in front of me so as to leave no doubt(he has no choice but to answer if/when she calls, she's the boss). Worst part....he hung up said "that was_____". ANd went right on like no big flipping deal! He was annoyed but had NO concern for the fact that it may have driven me NUTS!!! He simply doesnt really get the misery here. Yes it was full transparency. But what about the compassion and the reassurance??? None. I think he was too busy with his own discomfort in having to speak to her in my presence. Understandable. But at some point it would have hit me(if I were in his position) that it would cause him pain...
> 
> If he doesnt get the heck outta there Im gonna go nuts.


This is why I was concerned about him still working there. I truly hope he gets that job. But at some point you and he really need to question whether you can really reconcile with him still working under her. I'm so sorry you're going through this.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Yes he's transparent with everything. I have full access to his phone and itemised bill. He doesnt use the pc much and doesn't have an FB account.
> We spend all our time together when he isn't in work apart from the odd ocassion when he walks the dogs alone.
> During his MLC and A He shut down emotionally from me completely. Now he is transparent about his feelings and wants to talk about us and our marriage, the future, the A etc etc.
> I know it's over. But when you've been hurt so deep it's very difficult to relax and let it go completely.
> ...


I'm glad you can talk to some people on the inside to verify NC. But that still has to hard on you and him. I hope he starts looking for a new job soon. I'd rather be poor and working at McDonald's than give up what I have with Morrigan.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

I agree Beo. I'm going to give it a few weeks but if the work situation is still causing problems then he will have to find another job.
I'm hoping she might crack though and leave. From what I hear from my 'insiders' she is very unstable and was crying most if the day yesterday. They work in a very stressful environment with kids with severe behaviour difficulties. It's a small school and I am friendly with a number of staff there, and they have all turned their backs on her. I'm hoping the pressure of it all will encourage her to leave!

Sorry for hijacking op
X
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> This is why I was concerned about him still working there. I truly hope he gets that job. But at some point you and he really need to question whether you can really reconcile with him still working under her. I'm so sorry you're going through this.


Agreed. At some point Im gonna be at my limit, no doubt. I did tell him today about his demeanor yesterday when she called. I told him that it felt like he was more concerned with his own annoyance than with any effect it would have on me. That it's bothersome that it seems to not occur to him that this sh*t is miserable to me. Her in my face-email and phone calls etc- is compounding my agony. Salt in the wound if you will. Her contact info has to be in his phone(work), her email address is in there and on his computer(work) but just seeing her name is miserable. Our agreement is that he tells me of ANY/ALL contact they have no matter what the content. That keeps him transparent but keeps me triggering, ya know. He said he was sorry and that he was self centered about it. THat he was annoyed that she called unneccissarily. She had already emailed twice about the subject. So he was irritated. But that he should have been more sensitive. 

I'd rather trigger w/a sense that he is being open and honest than have fewer triggers(have him not tell me of contact) and close off his honesty. It has taken alot of work to get this open communication, if it means I gotta suffer more triggering for now, then thats what I gotta do(for now). Just more time in the bathroom floor in the middle of the night...


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## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Agreed. At some point Im gonna be at my limit, no doubt. I did tell him today about his demeanor yesterday when she called. I told him that it felt like he was more concerned with his own annoyance than with any effect it would have on me. That it's bothersome that it seems to not occur to him that this sh*t is miserable to me. Her in my face-email and phone calls etc- is compounding my agony. Salt in the wound if you will. Her contact info has to be in his phone(work), her email address is in there and on his computer(work) but just seeing her name is miserable. Our agreement is that he tells me of ANY/ALL contact they have no matter what the content. That keeps him transparent but keeps me triggering, ya know.
> 
> I'd rather trigger w/a sense that he is being open and honest than have fewer triggers(have him not tell me of contact) and close off his honesty. It has taken alot of work to get this open communication, if it means I gotta suffer more triggering for now, then thats what I gotta do(for now). Just more time in the bathroom floor in the middle of the night...


when will your H hear back about the new job?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

DownUnder said:


> when will your H hear back about the new job?


They said "the week of the 16th". Longest week....EVER! How's it going for you?


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## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> They said "the week of the 16th". Longest week....EVER! How's it going for you?


Im gonna keep praying for you everyday until you hear back.

No changes on my end....still going to work everyday and trying not to think about anything to do with my H & the OW.

He still comes in every morning to pick up the kids and drop them off to school. Only saying hi when i see him in the morning and txting when it comes to stuff about the kids or other necessary stuff, thats as far as it goes.

Im still doing the 180. I haven't faltered on that, eventho i vent on TAM about how i feel and when i have my weak moments, i have not shown this to him at all.

In front of him im strong and im standing my ground......when im around him i show him that im indifference to him.

Oh btw, i just remembered that something weird has been happening....there has been a couple of occasion since my H moved out that the phone in our house rang and when i picked-up there was noone speaking on the line and then it was hang-up. 

Yesterday my H took a day off work to spend with my daughter because it is school holiday. He left around 6.15pm and about 20mins after he left the phone rang again and noone spoke after i said 'hello?" a few times and then it was hang-up again. 

I mentioned it to my friend and she thinks it could be the OW calling to check up on my H and my friend said the OW might be getting a bit insecure about my H spending time in my house or with the kids. I dont know for sure if that was really the OW on the phone but noone else calls me at my home and just hangs up...its very weird.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

So since they told him that if he hadn't heard back by Wednesday(today) he could call and check in, he did. They said "you are still the front runner, we plan to have an answer by Friday. Hang in there. We apologize that this has been such a lengthy process." 

AAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!! 
Lengthy????that's an understatement. But we have no choice but to wait and whats another day or two at this point right? Just please keep those positive thoughts coming...You have NO idea how much we need this change.


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## Morrigan (Jan 18, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> So since they told him that if he hadn't heard back by Wednesday(today) he could call and check in, he did. They said "you are still the front runner, we plan to have an answer by Friday. Hang in there. We apologize that this has been such a lengthy process."
> 
> AAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!
> Lengthy????that's an understatement. But we have no choice but to wait and whats another day or two at this point right? Just please keep those positive thoughts coming...You have NO idea how much we need this change.


I haven't really commented before but since Beowulf is still sleeping I just wanted to tell you we're both pulling for you. {{{huggs}}}


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Morrigan said:


> I haven't really commented before but since Beowulf is still sleeping I just wanted to tell you we're both pulling for you. {{{huggs}}}


Thanks Morrigan. Beo has been a great support to us. And now I appreciate yours as well. This has been miserable. She called yesterday(work). He has to get out of there. I cant take too much more of that.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> So since they told him that if he hadn't heard back by Wednesday(today) he could call and check in, he did. They said "you are still the front runner, we plan to have an answer by Friday. Hang in there. We apologize that this has been such a lengthy process."
> 
> AAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!
> Lengthy????that's an understatement. But we have no choice but to wait and whats another day or two at this point right? Just please keep those positive thoughts coming...You have NO idea how much we need this change.


AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!! dittos. Waiting under normal circumstances is hard enough. I know how it is. Trying to get our second home and one delay after another. In January we were told we would be moving by this time. Now I am not sure. We are now waiting. I need to be with my WS during the week. 

Thinking about you and hope it turns out positive for you.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

DownUnder said:


> Im gonna keep praying for you everyday until you hear back.
> 
> No changes on my end....still going to work everyday and trying not to think about anything to do with my H & the OW.
> 
> ...


*69 your phone if available in your area? should tell you the number of the last caller, maybe whoever it is, isnt smart enough to block thier number before they call you.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!! dittos. Waiting under normal circumstances is hard enough. I know how it is. Trying to get our second home and one delay after another. In January we were told we would be moving by this time. Now I am not sure. We are now waiting. I need to be with my WS during the week.
> 
> Thinking about you and hope it turns out positive for you.


Thanks Thor. I hope it all works out for you too as you do need to be with your wife more to ease your pain. Let us know how it goes.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Thorburn said:


> AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!! dittos. Waiting under normal circumstances is hard enough. I know how it is. Trying to get our second home and one delay after another. In January we were told we would be moving by this time. Now I am not sure. We are now waiting. I need to be with my WS during the week.
> 
> Thinking about you and hope it turns out positive for you.


Thorburn,

I am praying for you so hard you have no idea. And of course you too cant.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Thanks Beo. Today-rough day. The triggers have been really fast and furious this week. From emails to phone calls to holiday cards to just the smallest comment from him last night that he really should know would be a trigger but he just isnt good when it comes to the trigger thing. He just isnt. I think he just doesnt know what to do so he does nothing. The occasional "Im sorry we're here" is the extent of his acknowledgement of triggers. What should he be doing???Anyone? What did your WS do that helped? He has asked if I wanna 'talk' about it. He never shuts me down but he does still get just a touch defensive. Not to be confused with defending his actions. He doesnt do that. Its just his tone sometimes, like 'here we go again'. So help me guys, how can he help me?


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Thanks Beo. Today-rough day. The triggers have been really fast and furious this week. From emails to phone calls to holiday cards to just the smallest comment from him last night that he really should know would be a trigger but he just isnt good when it comes to the trigger thing. He just isnt. I think he just doesnt know what to do so he does nothing. The occasional "Im sorry we're here" is the extent of his acknowledgement of triggers. What should he be doing???Anyone? What did your WS do that helped? He has asked if I wanna 'talk' about it. He never shuts me down but he does still get just a touch defensive. Not to be confused with defending his actions. He doesnt do that. Its just his tone sometimes, like 'here we go again'. So help me guys, how can he help me?


Ok, Morrigan at first was clueless and paralyzed when I triggered. But gradually as she cleared her head she saw telltale signs that I was triggering and she learned how to comfort me. There's no science behind it and to be honest there's no way to really know what will trigger you. As time goes on he will learn how to hep you more but right now you need to force yourself to communicate with him about your triggers. Since everything is still fresh you might not be able to tell him what you need while you're triggering but you can tell him before and after when you are more level headed. That's the way he'll learn.

One other thing regarding his defensiveness and lack of understanding. If he is to remain on that job and working with his former AP he has to keep his guard up if he is to remain faithful to you. Unfortunately its probably not a switch he can turn on and off at will. He probably feels the need to erect a wall around his feelings so that he won't stumble. And I'm afraid until he's no longer working there he doesn't dare knock that wall down for fear of betraying you again. Unfortunately this wall is surrounding him so although she can't get in, you're going to have a hard time getting in as well.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> Ok, Morrigan at first was clueless and paralyzed when I triggered. But gradually as she cleared her head she saw telltale signs that I was triggering and she learned how to comfort me. There's no science behind it and to be honest there's no way to really know what will trigger you. As time goes on he will learn how to hep you more but right now you need to force yourself to communicate with him about your triggers. Since everything is still fresh you might not be able to tell him what you need while you're triggering but you can tell him before and after when you are more level headed. That's the way he'll learn.
> 
> One other thing regarding his defensiveness and lack of understanding. If he is to remain on that job and working with his former AP he has to keep his guard up if he is to remain faithful to you. Unfortunately its probably not a switch he can turn on and off at will. He probably feels the need to erect a wall around his feelings so that he won't stumble. And I'm afraid until he's no longer working there he doesn't dare knock that wall down for fear of betraying you again. Unfortunately this wall is surrounding him so although she can't get in, you're going to have a hard time getting in as well.


I have tried to tell him about triggers. I think any reasonable person would know that the AP calling is going to be a trigger, right? Anyway, I did tell him that it was a big ole' hit and he said he was sorry for not being better about it b/c he was irritated that she called in the first place b/c it was unneccessary. It made him uncomfortable of course b/c he took the call in front of me to be transparent but Im sure he was panicking inside to make sure he didnt give her even an inch so as not to upset me. He was VERY flat with her. So I think once he got off the phone w/her he was just relieved and didnt think past that(unfortunately). 

Secondly, About the wall he has built, I think there may be some real truth there. He has built a wall with her and his mother recently as well(she has been very non supportive during this) so he may be having trouble with walling off EVERYONE. SO what can I do? I'd rather be walled off myself than risk him opening to her...


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

The triggering is SO TOUGH! I have found I'm not consistant for him to know what he needs to do? One day something makes me trigger then the next day the same thing doesn't? We have a hand signal if I feel it coming on and then he holds me. Sometimes I just do the hand signal for a hug  

It took him a while to "understand the triggers." He was irritated at times by them. Like you said, he never says he is irriated you can just tell.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> I have tried to tell him about triggers. I think any reasonable person would know that the AP calling is going to be a trigger, right? Anyway, I did tell him that it was a big ole' hit and he said he was sorry for not being better about it b/c he was irritated that she called in the first place b/c it was unneccessary. It made him uncomfortable of course b/c he took the call in front of me to be transparent but Im sure he was panicking inside to make sure he didnt give her even an inch so as not to upset me. He was VERY flat with her. So I think once he got off the phone w/her he was just relieved and didnt think past that(unfortunately).
> 
> Secondly, About the wall he has built, I think there may be some real truth there. He has built a wall with her and his mother recently as well(she has been very non supportive during this) so he may be having trouble with walling off EVERYONE. SO what can I do? I'd rather be walled off myself than risk him opening to her...


Your first paragraph describes the wall he has erected very well. His guarded manner, his flat tone. You've described his flat tone before in reference to communicating with you. Do you see similarities here? Unfortunately there is very little you can do until he no longer works there and can break down the emotional wall he's built up. My concern is the longer he keeps it up the harder it will be for him to tear it down eventually. Once a behavior becomes so ingrained that it becomes a habit it may be impossible to change it. I truly hope he gets this job. And I don't mean to upset you but I'd be remiss if I didn't speak my mind. I hope you don't end up with an emotionally stunted husband if he stays there much longer. I really think you and your husband need to sit down and reevaluate whether his current job may be worth your marriage. I'd rather have less money and stay married if I were in your situation. I'm going to be blunt. Regardless of whether he gets this new job or not, as long as he stays at his present employer I don't think reconciliation will be successful. I'm sorry if I upset you.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Morrigan just commented that my posts to you occasionally seem to be of a different tone than when I post to others. Upon reflections she is right. I feel very emotionally connected for some reason to your story canttrustu and I'll be honest I don't know why. I just somehow feel very emotionally invested in your situation. I'll have to think about why that is. She also mentioned that I need to clarify my previous post better.

Cant, the more I read your posts the clearer a picture becomes in my mind of your situation. Lately that picture is taking on a less optimistic shade. In all reconciliations the BS needs help and emotional support from the WS in order to overcome triggers and reconnect emotionally in the marriage. The WS in turn must begin to recognize the damage that their affair has done and one of the primary ways of doing that is to see the BS triggering and a natural empathetic response takes place that allows the WS to start assisting in healing. Eventually these triggers become less and less frequent as the WS sees how things trigger the BS and seeks to eliminate these offending situations.

In your situation the triggers are continuing unabated as your H continues to have contact with his AP. He in turn must erect a wall protecting himself from feeling so that he can keep being faithful to you. Even if he were able to compartmentalize and keep the wall up only during working hours he still receives communications after and outside work so that he must maintain that wall 24/7 for his and your protection. Unfortunately that wall prevents him from empathizing fully with your reaction to triggers thereby stopping him from completely processing the information and learning how to help you when you do trigger. Furthermore the triggers are occurring frequently and with no reasonable way to eliminate them so you know as long as he continues to work there you will continue to trigger heavily and he will no only not be able to stop them but he won't be able to comfort you like you need to be comforted.

Like I said in the previous post. Your husband may grow accustomed to guarding his emotions so much so that he may not be able to stop once its safe for him to do so. He also will not be able to learn how to comfort you and therefore in effect he cannot in reality do the heavy lifting and his affair will be rug swept in your mind. You won't be able to completely go through the stages of grief that you must and resentment will build up over time. I really feel he wants to do the work necessary to reconcile but circumstances will not allow him to do so. IMO, this current employment situation is more dangerous to your marriage than his original affair because of the emotional detachment and resentment that it is already beginning to cause.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> Morrigan just commented that my posts to you occasionally seem to be of a different tone than when I post to others. Upon reflections she is right. I feel very emotionally connected for some reason to your story canttrustu and I'll be honest I don't know why. I just somehow feel very emotionally invested in your situation. I'll have to think about why that is. She also mentioned that I need to clarify my previous post better.
> 
> Cant, the more I read your posts the clearer a picture becomes in my mind of your situation. Lately that picture is taking on a less optimistic shade. In all reconciliations the BS needs help and emotional support from the WS in order to overcome triggers and reconnect emotionally in the marriage. The WS in turn must begin to recognize the damage that their affair has done and one of the primary ways of doing that is to see the BS triggering and a natural empathetic response takes place that allows the WS to start assisting in healing. Eventually these triggers become less and less frequent as the WS sees how things trigger the BS and seeks to eliminate these offending situations.
> 
> ...


wow. Beo and Morrigan, I dont really know what to say here. I do come here b/c I feel like the people here 'get it'. When I talk w/my friends they listen and are sympathetic but they dont really 'get it'.
When I come here and pretty much bleed all over you guys I do so with two hopes 1) I am speaking to someone who understands what and how Im feeling. Someone who cant look at me with pity in their eyes and I can see what they're thinking "you poor woman, if I were you I'd be gone". But instead someone who can talk to me when Im at my lowest and make me feel like Im normal. 

2) To get advice. To hear from people who are further along in the process. To hear what works and what doesnt in their experience.

I listen to people like Sigma, Almost Recovered, That girl and Beowolf b/c they have given solid advice and have alot of compassion but are direct and say it how it is even when it hurts.

Thanks Beo for all of your advice. Morrigan, Im sorry if somehow I offended you.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Ingalls said:


> The triggering is SO TOUGH! I have found I'm not consistant for him to know what he needs to do? One day something makes me trigger then the next day the same thing doesn't? We have a hand signal if I feel it coming on and then he holds me. Sometimes I just do the hand signal for a hug
> 
> It took him a while to "understand the triggers." He was irritated at times by them. Like you said, he never says he is irriated you can just tell.


Ingalls, I too have a ummm, hand.....signal that I apply to this situation on occasion. I think my****signal**** is a bit different from yours though.:rofl:


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Ingalls, I too have a ummm, hand.....signal that I apply to this situation on occasion. I think my****signal**** is a bit different from yours though.:rofl:


I probably share the same one as you Canttrustu!!!


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Ingalls, I too have a ummm, hand.....signal that I apply to this situation on occasion. I think my****signal**** is a bit different from yours though.:rofl:


Haha....oh I've had that one too!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> wow. Beo and Morrigan, I dont really know what to say here. I do come here b/c I feel like the people here 'get it'. When I talk w/my friends they listen and are sympathetic but they dont really 'get it'.
> When I come here and pretty much bleed all over you guys I do so with two hopes 1) I am speaking to someone who understands what and how Im feeling. Someone who cant look at me with pity in their eyes and I can see what they're thinking "you poor woman, if I were you I'd be gone". But instead someone who can talk to me when Im at my lowest and make me feel like Im normal.
> 
> 2) To get advice. To hear from people who are further along in the process. To hear what works and what doesnt in their experience.
> ...


I have zero advice that is good (I'm too new to R to have sound advice yet) BUT I'm favorite CHEERLEADER right? ha ha I am always encouraging you, I hope, or try too at least :smthumbup:


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

You are very encouraging. I appreciate your PM's too. Lots of times just when I really need the pick me up. Thanks Twin.


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## Morrigan (Jan 18, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> wow. Beo and Morrigan, I dont really know what to say here. I do come here b/c I feel like the people here 'get it'. When I talk w/my friends they listen and are sympathetic but they dont really 'get it'.
> When I come here and pretty much bleed all over you guys I do so with two hopes 1) I am speaking to someone who understands what and how Im feeling. Someone who cant look at me with pity in their eyes and I can see what they're thinking "you poor woman, if I were you I'd be gone". But instead someone who can talk to me when Im at my lowest and make me feel like Im normal.
> 
> 2) To get advice. To hear from people who are further along in the process. To hear what works and what doesnt in their experience.
> ...


CTU, you didn't offend me at all. Nothing could be further from the truth. I was mad at Beowulf because I think his posts to you are sometimes short and carry an angry tone. I told him he needs to explain himself because he was just throwing thoughts out there and not saying why he felt that way. That's not like him. He's usually very calm and thoughtful. IMO I think he really feels your situation and gets frustrated for you because he knows how much you hurt. I tend to listen to my intuition a lot and have encouraged Beowulf to do the same. Maybe he's listening to me too much. We are both praying for you every day. Believe me. I just wish we could help more.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Morrigan said:


> CTU, you didn't offend me at all. Nothing could be further from the truth. I was mad at Beowulf because I think his posts to you are sometimes short and carry an angry tone. I told him he needs to explain himself because he was just throwing thoughts out there and not saying why he felt that way. That's not like him. He's usually very calm and thoughtful. IMO I think he really feels your situation and gets frustrated for you because he knows how much you hurt. I tend to listen to my intuition a lot and have encouraged Beowulf to do the same. Maybe he's listening to me too much. We are both praying for you every day. Believe me. I just wish we could help more.


Morrigan, Oh good. Thank Goodness. No, I dont get an angry tone at all. Im ok with direct. I tend to be pretty direct(maybe too direct) myself. Especially when my emotions come into play. I do understand his frustration(as it is my own at times, lots of times) and I appreciate his perspective. Just today I read what he said to my H. After reading it to him, my H said " I will quit tomorrow no matter what if it will help you, just say the word". 

Thanks for having my back though. Its what girls do, right? Its nice to have a woman in my corner instead of one trying to wreck my world.


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## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

Its end of the week now....have you heard back about the job yet?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

DownUnder said:


> Its end of the week now....have you heard back about the job yet?


OMG! Not yet. Hopeful for today.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Good grief this is the longest day ever. Im really hoping for good news for the weekend. I litterally hear every beat of my heart in my ears, AAAHHHH!


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Any news?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

nope. not suprising though. They have been very slow. They told him in the beginning that they were slow when it came to this stuff so I guess all we can do is WAIT. YUCK.

Thanks for asking. It makes me feel good that people care.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

This wait is excruciating. Has to be hard for you too. Keep holding out hope. Still praying and sending positive thoughts.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> This wait is excruciating. Has to be hard for you too. Keep holding out hope. Still praying and sending positive thoughts.


He once again today offered to just flat out quit. We just cant afford it.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> He once again today offered to just flat out quit. We just cant afford it.


Have you considered that he needs to leave and is tacitly asking for your support to do so. As hard as it must be for you (and I know its hard) consider how hard it must be for him. She gives him a little flip of the hair, a little wink, a coy smile. Maybe he is really starting to break from the emotional stress. BTW, I talked to Morrigan and asked her if she had to work with the OM after our D-Day would she have been able to and not get caught back in the affair. She said as much as she would like to say she would have been strong she knows she couldn't have lasted. She said it would have broke her down eventually or she would have gone crazy. You say you can't afford for him to quit. I think you can't afford for him not to. I'm just being honest. My advice to you is that as soon as your husband hears about the new job, regardless of whether he gets it or not he should give his notice and leave that job.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> Have you considered that he needs to leave and is tacitly asking for your support to do so. As hard as it must be for you (and I know its hard) consider how hard it must be for him. She gives him a little flip of the hair, a little wink, a coy smile. Maybe he is really starting to break from the emotional stress. BTW, I talked to Morrigan and asked her if she had to work with the OM after our D-Day would she have been able to and not get caught back in the affair. She said as much as she would like to say she would have been strong she knows she couldn't have lasted. She said it would have broke her down eventually or she would have gone crazy. You say you can't afford for him to quit. I think you can't afford for him not to. I'm just being honest. My advice to you is that as soon as your husband hears about the new job, regardless of whether he gets it or not he should give his notice and leave that job.


You just made me physically sick. And you could very well be right. Maybe 'WE' cant afford for him not to. I already told him I dont need this house, I dont need my things, I need you. But isnt that selfish? We have kids to provide for. Yes Im more emotionally comfortable but everyone suffers then.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> You just made me physically sick. And you could very well be right. Maybe 'WE' cant afford for him not to. I already told him I dont need this house, I dont need my things, I need you. But isnt that selfish? We have kids to provide for. Yes Im more emotionally comfortable but everyone suffers then.


How emotionally uncomfortable is he? This is killing you but can't you see its killing him too? Will your kids be better off with less material things but a happy mother and father that are still married. Or will they be happier with more "things" but have to spend every other weekend with daddy and his girlfriend. Or even worse be in a house where both parents are still married but hold so much resentment for each other that the tension can be cut with a knife?

HE WANTS TO QUIT HIS JOB. YOU ARE HOLDING HIM BACK. There I said it even if he can't. He is building an emotional wall around himself. He has offered many times to quit his job. He even turned in his resignation at one point. Men have a hard time communicating. He probably thinks the money is important to you so he stays and plays the good soldier. How long can this continue? I am telling you if he stays this will not end well. Think about it.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> How emotionally uncomfortable is he? This is killing you but can't you see its killing him too? Will your kids be better off with less material things but a happy mother and father that are still married. Or will they be happier with more "things" but have to spend every other weekend with daddy and his girlfriend. Or even worse be in a house where both parents are still married but hold so much resentment for each other that the tension can be cut with a knife?
> 
> HE WANTS TO QUIT HIS JOB. YOU ARE HOLDING HIM BACK. There I said it even if he can't. He is building an emotional wall around himself. He has offered many times to quit his job. He even turned in his resignation at one point. Men have a hard time communicating. He probably thinks the money is important to you so he stays and plays the good soldier. How long can this continue? I am telling you if he stays this will not end well. Think about it.


Ive done nothing but. We are going to talk some more when he comes down from reading a story for bedtime. I think you are right though, Its suicide for me to 'send' him back to her. He wants to be done. He wants to fix us and move forward and he knows I cant even begin to forgive him while he still has contact w/her. While she is calling MY house. Even if its for work(and it is) It makes me want to rip his head off. I cant open myself up to him or start to rebuild w/him as long as she is in the picture AT ALL. It seems too dangerous to allow myself to be with him under these circumstances. And I feel like Im sharing him as long as I am forced to allow her access to him.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Ive done nothing but. We are going to talk some more when he comes down from reading a story for bedtime. I think you are right though, Its suicide for me to 'send' him back to her. He wants to be done. He wants to fix us and move forward and he knows I cant even begin to forgive him while he still has contact w/her. While she is calling MY house. Even if its for work(and it is) It makes me want to rip his head off. I cant open myself up to him or start to rebuild w/him as long as she is in the picture AT ALL. It seems too dangerous to allow myself to be with him under these circumstances. And I feel like Im sharing him as long as I am forced to allow her access to him.


Ok, I was the BS like you but I'm also a man. I love Morrigan with every fiber of my being. If anything was hurting her I would move mountains to stop it. I finally figured out why I was getting so emotional reading your threads. When you talk about how your H is reacting to this situation I literally tear up. I can feel the anguish in your words and I know AS A MAN that your husband is dying inside. This is tearing him apart. He needs to be there for you and he wants to be there for you but he thinks this is what you want. I know he was the WS but in a very real way I feel for him as a man and a husband. Let him help you and thereby help himself too. You both need this.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> Ok, I was the BS like you but I'm also a man. I love Morrigan with every fiber of my being. If anything was hurting her I would move mountains to stop it. I finally figured out why I was getting so emotional reading your threads. When you talk about how your H is reacting to this situation I literally tear up. I can feel the anguish in your words and I know AS A MAN that your husband is dying inside. This is tearing him apart. He needs to be there for you and he wants to be there for you but he thinks this is what you want. I know he was the WS but in a very real way I feel for him as a man and a husband. Let him help you and thereby help himself too. You both need this.


Sorry, this time you lost me. He thinks what is what I want? can you be more explicit?


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Sorry, this time you lost me. He thinks what is what I want? can you be more explicit?


Every time he has offered to quit what has been your response? To tell him you can't afford it? To tell him he should wait until he has another job? You haven't told him its ok to quit. That is what he is waiting to hear even if he can't say it. Men don't want to appear to be weak. Men don't like to show emotion too much. He doesn't want you to think he can't handle it because he believes that he will look weak in your eyes. Most times when a workplace affair happens the BS demands the WS quit the job or somehow get reassigned so there won't be any contact. You can't even demand NC because his job is contact. So he thinks the money he makes is your highest priority because you haven't told him to quit. I think he would have quit already but he is trying to give you what he thinks you want because you have essentially told him to keep working with the OW by not demanding he leave.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Got it. That is not the most important thing. As I told you, I told him I dont need this fancy house, these things, I need you. He is the one concerned w/the finacial aspect more. He feels his obligation to provide for us heavily. Yes he will quit if its what I want but he is afraid to compound our stress with financial stress as well. He will do what I ask him to do. That is what he said. I think he would prefer to stay until he has something else.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

So is it your point that he wants me to essentially fight for him? By saying you get out no matter what? He wants me to demand it? To remove the choice from him?


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> So is it your point that he wants me to essentially fight for him? By saying you get out no matter what? He wants me to demand it? To remove the choice from him?


All men feel its their duty to provide the best financial support they can for their families. When he sees you happy with the house and the material things he can provide he was proud and happy. He thinks that is what drives you so it is what drives him. He is torturing himself to continue to provide this level of financial security. If you tell him to quit he may be worried about the finances but inside he will be so relieved that he doesn't have to deal with her anymore and can begin to reconnect with you.

I am just a voice on the internet but if my opinion matters here it is. If he stays there you will lose him. Either to her, to resentment or to emotional indifference. And what will money mean then? Help him to release himself from this toxic situation.


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## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

Its a start of a new week here....ive been thinking about you and wondering if you have heard about the job yet?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

DownUnder said:


> Its a start of a new week here....ive been thinking about you and wondering if you have heard about the job yet?


Well its still Sunday here so not yet. GGGRRR! Hoping for good news tomorrow.

We have decided that he has to leave this job right now either way. So I really hope he gets this one. Im just so annoyed to even be in this position. I cant even begin to tell you how frustrating it is that he didnt consider WHO she was while doing this(Or better yet just not done it at ALL). Her postition in the company(CFO) leaves him kinda screwed. He has a high level position as well but ultimately she 'outranks' him if push comes to shove(and it often has). So today Im struggling with the "OH my GOD you big dumbass" mindset everytime I look at him. THis has cost us in more ways than we can count. And I can only imagine there's more ways this will effect us yet to come. I just dont understand it. 

Sorry, feeling angry(and sad) today. Im having alot of this feeling of hollowness. Thats the only way I can describe it...hollow.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Well its still Sunday here so not yet. GGGRRR! Hoping for good news tomorrow.
> 
> We have decided that he has to leave this job right now either way. So I really hope he gets this one. Im just so annoyed to even be in this position. I cant even begin to tell you how frustrating it is that he didnt consider WHO she was while doing this(Or better yet just not done it at ALL). Her postition in the company(CFO) leaves him kinda screwed. He has a high level position as well but ultimately she 'outranks' him if push comes to shove(and it often has). So today Im struggling with the "OH my GOD you big dumbass" mindset everytime I look at him. THis has cost us in more ways than we can count. And I can only imagine there's more ways this will effect us yet to come. I just dont understand it.
> 
> Sorry, feeling angry(and sad) today. Im having alot of this feeling of hollowness. Thats the only way I can describe it...hollow.


I kinda know how you feel. Have you read _Not Just Friends_? Because people work so closely together workplace affairs start off so innocently but escalate so damned quickly. When you think about it a company can be a little like a family or a small community so that familiarity can make it hard to maintain boundaries. That's not to say he should be given a pass. I joke around with my female supervisor a little but I make sure to keep things on a professional level nonetheless. Its a fine line and one that is easily crossed if you aren't watching yourself.

For the record I feel you and your husband are making the right decision. I know that must come as a surprise to you since I have never voiced my concerns about his job situation. Sorry, a little tongue in cheek there. Once he is no longer dealing with this on a daily basis I know you both are going to feel so much better and real healing can then begin. :smthumbup:


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> I kinda know how you feel. Have you read _Not Just Friends_? Because people work so closely together workplace affairs start off so innocently but escalate so damned quickly. When you think about it a company can be a little like a family or a small community so that familiarity can make it hard to maintain boundaries. That's not to say he should be given a pass. I joke around with my female supervisor a little but I make sure to keep things on a professional level nonetheless. Its a fine line and one that is easily crossed if you aren't watching yourself.
> 
> For the record I feel you and your husband are making the right decision. I know that must come as a surprise to you since I have never voiced my concerns about his job situation. Sorry, a little tongue in cheek there. Once he is no longer dealing with this on a daily basis I know you both are going to feel so much better and real healing can then begin. :smthumbup:


oh its ridiculous now b/c his mother is now not speaking to me at all. Why? Who knows but she wont. Not a word since he told her what he did. She told him that his 'orignal' family was basically more important anyway. Yesterday, she came to pick up our daughter to take her out for a bit and when she brought her back MIL sent little one in to ask daddy to come outside.... WTF? Just what we need, people stirring crap for us to deal with. AAHHHH. Yep she is the least of my problems but I just dont get people. And when she finds out he's gonna quit his job.....oh boy I really will be the bastard at the family reunion so to speak.

And just for the record, he wont be getting a pass b/c this A didnt 'just happen' he pretty much sought it. When I say he sought it , he knew he was over the line with her for a long time and kept pushing knowing it was going too far and that 1+1 would eventually =2. He should have shut it down but he chose to ramp it up. So there's ALOT of work to be done. I still dont understand why he chased the sh*t out of her when I was busting my a$$ at home to be good to him. Then I catch him and pretty much shut down and now he is all about me??? It just doesnt make sense. Its like he didnt want me when he had me but now that Im half checked out he's all in???


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I know this is easier said than done - but try to just ignore MIL. Try not to get frustrated or aggravated (or at least not to let anyone see it). The more reaction you give her the more you'll feed it. Focus on you and your H. I think y'all are making the right decision to move on job wise regardless of how this new one pans out. Marriage trumps job. 

Still keeping them crossed for you. Keep us posted. 

Btw. It is UFB that your MIL is acting that way. Just try to grin and bear that part of all this.


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## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Well its still Sunday here so not yet. GGGRRR! Hoping for good news tomorrow.
> 
> We have decided that he has to leave this job right now either way. So I really hope he gets this one. Im just so annoyed to even be in this position. I cant even begin to tell you how frustrating it is that he didnt consider WHO she was while doing this(Or better yet just not done it at ALL). Her postition in the company(CFO) leaves him kinda screwed. He has a high level position as well but ultimately she 'outranks' him if push comes to shove(and it often has). So today Im struggling with the "OH my GOD you big dumbass" mindset everytime I look at him. THis has cost us in more ways than we can count. And I can only imagine there's more ways this will effect us yet to come. I just dont understand it.
> 
> Sorry, feeling angry(and sad) today. Im having alot of this feeling of hollowness. Thats the only way I can describe it...hollow.


Can't, i understand how frustrating this situation must be for you but i just wanted to say please do not lose sight as to how far you have come. 

Remember to be thankful and praise God that your husband is coming out of the fog. The fact that he even offered to quit his job means that he is fully aware of what he has done, how much he hurt you and he wants to save your marriage alongside you. This itself is a blessing and i would give anything to be in your position right now.

This new job opportunity is God opening a new door for you, for a fresh new start and beginning. So keep praying and don't lose hope.

Im not sure if you are a christian or not, but i would like to share a little scripture that i feel really speaks to me today:

_*Psalm 37:1-8 NLT*

Don't worry about the wicked or envy those who do wrong.

For like grass, they soon fade away, like spring flowers, they soon wither.

Trust in the Lord and do good.
Then you will live safely in the land and prosper.

Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart's desires.

Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust Him & He will help you.

He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn,
and the justice of your cause will shine like the noon day sun.

Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for Him to act.

Don't worry about evil people who prosper or fret about their wicked schemes.

Stop being angry! Turn from your rage!
Do not lose your temper - it only leads to harm._


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> I know this is easier said than done - but try to just ignore MIL. Try not to get frustrated or aggravated (or at least not to let anyone see it). The more reaction you give her the more you'll feed it. Focus on you and your H. I think y'all are making the right decision to move on job wise regardless of how this new one pans out. Marriage trumps job.
> 
> Still keeping them crossed for you. Keep us posted.
> 
> Btw. It is UFB that your MIL is acting that way. Just try to grin and bear that part of all this.


I will ignore her however I feel like HE needs to deal with her. Its about showing me some respect I would not allow my parents to treat H like that especially when I had done something wrong. Oh well, we'll see I guess. 

What I care most about is ridding our lives of HER(OW). That is my primary goal in life. Especially since she has fished in the last couple of weeks once and called when she didnt really have to(so Im suspicious about that too). I think she is trying to inch her way a bit again. I just cant allow that to happen. Fool me once...


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

DownUnder said:


> Can't, i understand how frustrating this situation must be for you but i just wanted to say please do not lose sight as to how far you have come.
> 
> Remember to be thankful and praise God that your husband is coming out of the fog. The fact that he even offered to quit his job means that he is fully aware of what he has done, how much he hurt you and he wants to save your marriage alongside you. This itself is a blessing and i would give anything to be in your position right now.
> 
> ...


I am really glad the fog has lifted. I think it happened a couple of months ago. He has offered to quit before. I do think he really wants to "make this right by me"(his words). He said last night and I think it was the sweetest thing he has EVER said, he said " Its a fvckin' job. I can get another. All i want is to do whatever it takes for you to give me 'that look' again someday". I hope he's telling me the truth. I hope more than anything Ive ever hoped for in my life.


Its been a long time since Ive had someone say they'd give anything to be in my shoes. A really long time. And I still dont want to be in them. We have so far to go. So very far. But we have come along a bit too.

Im so sorry your H hasnt come around. Things any better at all?

And I am absolutely a Christian and Thanks for the encouraging psalm.


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## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> I am really glad the fog has lifted. I think it happened a couple of months ago. He has offered to quit before. I do think he really wants to "make this right by me"(his words). He said last night and I think it was the sweetest thing he has EVER said, he said " Its a fvckin' job. I can get another. All i want is to do whatever it takes for you to give me 'that look' again someday". I hope he's telling me the truth. I hope more than anything Ive ever hoped for in my life.
> 
> 
> Its been a long time since Ive had someone say they'd give anything to be in my shoes. A really long time. And I still dont want to be in them. We have so far to go. So very far. But we have come along a bit too.
> ...


I have not seen any changes in my situation....but i believe that God is working in my life.

What your husband said to you was incredibly sweet and I am so happy that you are finally in that stage of healing and recovery for your marriage. Yes you still have a long way to go but dont lose sight of the fact that you have also come a long way from the beginning of this journey until now.

Don't give up. I hope your marriage will continue on the right track.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Tell your husband that he must talk with his mother and tell her to cut the crap. He must tell her , he is the one tat messed up, and that MIL needs to be kind to you. You are the one who needs love and kindness. So either she cuts the crap or she isn't welcome around him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> I am really glad the fog has lifted. I think it happened a couple of months ago. He has offered to quit before. I do think he really wants to "make this right by me"(his words). He said last night and I think it was the sweetest thing he has EVER said, he said " Its a fvckin' job. I can get another. All i want is to do whatever it takes for you to give me 'that look' again someday". I hope he's telling me the truth. I hope more than anything Ive ever hoped for in my life.
> 
> 
> Its been a long time since Ive had someone say they'd give anything to be in my shoes. A really long time. And I still dont want to be in them. We have so far to go. So very far. But we have come along a bit too.
> ...


Cant,

You have no idea how encouraging I view his words. I really feel he is relieved to be able to cut that cancerous growth out of his life and be able to heal you and his family. What he did during the affair was terrible but not surprising if you've read the many other threads on TAM. Heck, Morrigan did her part to keep her affair alive even though she knew it was wrong and tried many times to end it. Its a vicious cycle that WS can't seem to end.

Your husband will need to address the situation with your MIL eventually. Right now I would say concentrate on the job and allow that situation to settle down. Once he gets some breathing room in his emotional baggage he can tell your MIL that if she can't be civil she is not welcome in your family. She may think she is supporting him when in reality her attitude is just going to make things harder for him.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Its a new week. Hope it brings some good news for you.
x


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> I will ignore her however I feel like HE needs to deal with her. Its about showing me some respect I would not allow my parents to treat H like that especially when I had done something wrong. Oh well, we'll see I guess.


I think men are different than women with their moms?!? I'm not stereotyping here, so no hate remarks please! But I can be so furious at my H and if my mom says ONE SLIGHT negative remark I defend him and get angry. BUT if my MIL says anything with negative tones or remarks we I should be doing something differently he just says "she is old fashioned" as to not want to upset HER????? URGH. 

So ignore her and him. Least of your problems right now!


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> I will ignore her however I feel like HE needs to deal with her. Its about showing me some respect I would not allow my parents to treat H like that especially when I had done something wrong. Oh well, we'll see I guess.
> 
> What I care most about is ridding our lives of HER(OW). That is my primary goal in life. Especially since she has fished in the last couple of weeks once and called when she didnt really have to(so Im suspicious about that too). I think she is trying to inch her way a bit again. I just cant allow that to happen. Fool me once...


You know - I started to say you were wrong about this, that he had too much on his plate and too many other people to worry about to reasonably expect him to deal with his mother to, but in retrospect you are absolutely correct.

It's about taking ownership and accepting accountability. In letting your MIL display anger and disapproval to you he is letting her deflect accountability to you instead of standing up and saying "I did this. No one but me and I accept the consequences." 

So I agree with you. He should stand up and take the resentment and disapproval away from you and put it on himself. He certainly should not let you carry any of the weight of judgement of his bad decisions and actions. 

Hopefully he'll step up.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

In one way I agree with you about his plate being full but in another I dont. I feel like NOW is the perfect time for him to say NO to her. She has never treated me especially well and she is just amping up now b/c she sees this as an opportunity to exploit an already shaky situation. She wants to cause more friction between him and I. So he needs to tell her its not gonna happen that way and in fact if she continues its gonna cost HER. When he told her what he had done and that this year we wanted to spend Easter alone as a family b/c he couldnt paint on a smile and coulndt ask me to and that he honestly wanted to spend it alone w/just me and the kids just THIS year for obvious reasons her reply "well ____ your family of ORIGIN is just as important" he replied "well mom, I havent been cheating on, lying to and walking all over my family of ORIGIN but I have been doing that to my WIFE" HER an
ser to that was "well the last time I was there she was quite rude to me" Ummmm, whatever. Keep in mind he was bawling at the time. UFB.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> In one way I agree with you about his plate being full but in another I dont. I feel like NOW is the perfect time for him to say NO to her. She has never treated me especially well and she is just amping up now b/c she sees this as an opportunity to exploit an already shaky situation. She wants to cause more friction between him and I. So he needs to tell her its not gonna happen that way and in fact if she continues its gonna cost HER. When he told her what he had done and that this year we wanted to spend Easter alone as a family b/c he couldnt paint on a smile and coulndt ask me to and that he honestly wanted to spend it alone w/just me and the kids just THIS year for obvious reasons her reply "well ____ your family of ORIGIN is just as important" he replied "well mom, I havent been cheating on, lying to and walking all over my family of ORIGIN but I have been doing that to my WIFE" HER an
> ser to that was "well the last time I was there she was quite rude to me" Ummmm, whatever. Keep in mind he was bawling at the time. UFB.


Your MIL is a 


never mind. I don't want to get banned.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> Your MIL is a
> 
> 
> never mind. I don't want to get banned.


Yep. She probably prays everyday for our divorce. Amazing but true I'll bet. She hates all the in-laws. She doesnt care if this hurts her son as long as she gets rid of me. In her mind, he'll get over it.
When he told her and she told him to go to church she even told him which one he had to go to. She is something else alright. I am doing my best not to say too much though b/c I dont want to be responsible for the death of their relationship. When he brings it up and asks for my opinion I give it as delicately as possible but still trying to make my point. In the past he has always defended her even when she treated me like crap. Now that she has openly treated him poorly and is not making any effort to hide her feelings toward me now, and given that we are in a delicate situation I think he feels protective of me/us. He doesnt want anyone/anything else to rock our boat anymore than it already has. I think he is trying to not deal w/her until after the job issue but if need be he will deal w/her now. and I believe she will continue to strike while she believes the iron is hot.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

OMG! Somebody put me out of my misery, please. So yesterday we find out he has to have surgery. Well guess what that means???? You cant have surgery with no insurance and you dont have insurance with no job. The surgery cant happen until May 9th b/c he has to have some other things done(testing)before it can happen. So if he doesnt get this other job, then I have to tolerate at least, AT LEAST 5 more weeks of this because he will have to go back to the surgeon after the surgery. ..

Am I in the flippin' twilight zone??? Yesterday I felt lighter today 1000lbs back on my chest. This just has NO END.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Man oh man. You and I are in the twilight zone. You with the surgery news and me waiting on the stinkin house. We should have moved by now and you are being delayed by surgery.

There is no end, just a dragging and a delaying. 

Tell him tonight that you will do the surgery and have the kitchen table (or island) ready for surgery. A bottle of Jeremiah Weed Bourbon will lay him out. Cant - you can do it - just need a very sharp knife, a needle and some fishing line to sew him up.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I am so very sorry.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

I dont know where Im gonna find the fortitude for 5 more weeks of this. I really really dont. He will have to go back in there for at least a bit Im sure if he doesnt get this new job. Where am I gonna get the strength for this?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

yowza

so sorry


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Remember Cant - we are going through this with you. We will help you through it. I know you must be very disappointed. I am shedding a tear for you right now just made me emotional. 

I just want to thank you for your encouragement because you have helped me get through tough times. You are a good person.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

OMG...you can do this. We will all help you out! Daily.....


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Damn CTU - y'all can't catch a break. Just try to hang on.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> Damn CTU - y'all can't catch a break. Just try to hang on.


I know. I keep thinking about if I have done something in my past to have karma kicking my A$$ right now.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I know some people like to believe in Karma but why does a 5 year old have to get shot and killed in Liberia while i get to sit at home eating cookie dough ice cream while I'm watching a big screen TV?

sh!t happens to people, some things you cant control

lean on us all you need


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Its the worst thought I can imagine right now in this scenario is for him to have surgery(something she has proven she will exploit, just like a sick child) and go sit right the hell next to her! I swear to you guys I'd rather take a bullet right now.

I dont want to say too much to him about this b/c he cant help that he needs surgery. I dont want to add stress to an already stressful situation. the part that bugs me is that he doesnt acknowledge that another 4-5 weeks will be HELL for me. Hasnt said a word. Yes Im sure getting surgery is bothering him so thats probably distracting but I havent been able to speak at all today. He hasnt asked. Im so selfish I guess. gotta work on that.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

You are not selfish Cant. You are disappointed. It is blow to some of your hopes, wishes and desires. You know you don't have control over this. So what are you going to do? Go ahead and have a pity party, I did weeks ago. It will not help.

Find something positive. I brought along five punch tin chandeliers that my wife bought recently that need rewiring. That is my project for this week. My wife bought these over the past month from various folks and want them in our new house. I have to work 6 days this week and only get Sunday off so this week really sucks because I will not be with my wife till Satuday night and then only have Sunday to spend with her. So in the evenings I will be rewiring chandeliers. She will be thrilled when I get these done. We don't have the resources to make things happen faster or to make them go the way we wish. All we can do Cant is find things to occupy our time while we wait.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> You are not selfish Cant. You are disappointed. It is blow to some of your hopes, wishes and desires. You know you don't have control over this. So what are you going to do? Go ahead and have a pity party, I did weeks ago. It will not help.
> 
> Find something positive. I brought along five punch tin chandeliers that my wife bought recently that need rewiring. That is my project for this week. My wife bought these over the past month from various folks and want them in our new house. I have to work 6 days this week and only get Sunday off so this week really sucks because I will not be with my wife till Satuday night and then only have Sunday to spend with her. So in the evenings I will be rewiring chandeliers. She will be thrilled when I get these done. We don't have the resources to make things happen faster or to make them go the way we wish. All we can do Cant is find things to occupy our time while we wait.


Youre right Thor, I am feeling stuck(pitty party as you say). I have to constantly hear "I have 4 emails from her" or her whiney voice on the phone at MY house when she calls to talk about work. I thought that was coming to an end, its not. When I pick up his phone its possible still for another 5 weeks that an email or text will come and it will be from her or it will ring and it will be her number. So no amount of busy can fix that when it happens. I understand what your saying but when those things happen its like taking a crow bar to my head every time. Know what Im saying here? its the guaranteed trigger every day. I WILL hear her name every day.Our agreement(as part of transparency)is no communication w/her w/o my knowledge. NONE. So this means 5 more weeks of "that was OW" or him reading emails to me from her.....AAAAHHHHH!!!! Just try to imagine that....


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

*taking a crow bar to my head every time*

Ouch!!!! you are so descriptive. I am sorry but this gave me a chuckle.

Not helping you much. 

This past weekend we did a lot around our house. We painted our bedroom on Sunday. Yesterday one of my clients wanted to quit his job as he triggered over the weekend from his tours in Iraq. I asked him if his house needed painted and he said it does. I told him to start painting his house as he just laid around all weekend feeling sorry for himself. I told him he can't let this sh*t take over his life. He came into my office crying. He is a grown man, a combat Veteran and is a good soldier, yet here he sat crying like a baby. He wants to crawl into a hole. Hell I do to at times. But we can't and I won't.

Seriously Cant find something to fill some of your time. Paint one wall a yucky color. Then after a few days paint it again. Make a birdhouse. Make a house out of toothpicks. Do something.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> *taking a crow bar to my head every time*
> 
> Ouch!!!! you are so descriptive. I am sorry but this gave me a chuckle.
> 
> ...


glad to have amused you. Here's something amusing for you....your wife spending 10hrs a day yacking away, emailing and answering calls from the OM even if it is about work just mere contact is enough.....How's that make you feel there THor??? Still chuckling?

...And i have 3 kids soooo Im not sitting on my arss all day.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

No one should go through what you are going through. Sorry. I did not mean to say you were sitting around all day. If I was in my new house things would be improving and if your husband would be in another job things would be better for you. Just hard to deal with these disappointments and delays and I am hoping that things do get better for you Cant. They will but right now the relief you were hoping for is not happening. 

Hang in there and again sorry.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

OK! SO here it is everyone. He just walked out the door to hand in his resignation. OW fished hard just now and I got really upset. He immediately printed his resignation and said "NO job is worth this, I'll be back" so, he is on his way to hand in his 2 weeks notice right now. I am so relieved and nervous at the same time. Relieved to have her out of our lives in a couple of weeks and nervous about money but I'd rather be broke.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

good for you, your husband is doing the right thing


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

canttrustu said:


> OK! SO here it is everyone. He just walked out the door to hand in his resignation. OW fished hard just now and I got really upset. He immediately printed his resignation and said "NO job is worth this, I'll be back" so, he is on his way to hand in his 2 weeks notice right now. I am so relieved and nervous at the same time. Relieved to have her out of our lives in a couple of weeks and nervous about money but I'd rather be broke.


I'm so happy for you and your H! He really stepped up! I know you're nervous about the money situation, but you'll get through it. My H and I have lived modestly for quite some time and it has brought us closer together. I hope it will do the same for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> OK! SO here it is everyone. He just walked out the door to hand in his resignation. OW fished hard just now and I got really upset. He immediately printed his resignation and said "NO job is worth this, I'll be back" so, he is on his way to hand in his 2 weeks notice right now. I am so relieved and nervous at the same time. Relieved to have her out of our lives in a couple of weeks and nervous about money but I'd rather be broke.


GOOD!!!!

Keep us posted.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Just gotta get thru these next two weeks. I suspect she will really step up her game. I am gonna have to really be patient here and realize he is doing all HE can and SHE doesnt matter. AND SHE's about to find out all about KARMA come May 10th


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

So he's back....walked straight off the elevator right into HER. Of course. I mean its a big a$$ place and there she was.Cant tell you how glad I'll be to NEVER hear that again. Anyway, its on the big boss' desk, he wasn't there. He also left him a VM. So there's no going back now.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I am so glad he took that huge step. Now that's what I call commitment. :yay:

and to think he did it when he REALLY needed his job so much.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

I KNEW your husband was itching to leave that job and focus on you. That's probably why he wasn't communicating as much earlier today. He was working up to handing in his resignation. This has got to make you feel very good in spite of the financial uncertainty. He has done with action more than he could ever do with words. This is it cant. This is the sign of commitment you've been waiting for. I'm so very happy for you.

And I thought of a hobby for you. At least a temporary one. Make the OW's life a living hell for the next two weeks. I'm sure all the good people here on TAM can come up with many ideas on how to do it and not get traced back to you.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

Whoa!! What!!! Yay Yay Yay! My heart is pounding! Sooooo excited! Whoot hoot!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> I KNEW your husband was itching to leave that job and focus on you. That's probably why he wasn't communicating as much earlier today. He was working up to handing in his resignation. This has got to make you feel very good in spite of the financial uncertainty. He has done with action more than he could ever do with words. This is it cant. This is the sign of commitment you've been waiting for. I'm so very happy for you.
> 
> And I thought of a hobby for you. At least a temporary one. Make the OW's life a living hell for the next two weeks. I'm sure all the good people here on TAM can come up with many ideas on how to do it and not get traced back to you.


YAY!!!!!! Youre right Beo, its exactly what Ive been waiting for and today she pushed him right to it. 

I have my own Ideas for whats gonna happen to her AFTER he's gone but until then....Im all ears. ....


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> YAY!!!!!! Youre right Beo, its exactly what Ive been waiting for and today she pushed him right to it.
> 
> I have my own Ideas for whats gonna happen to her AFTER he's gone but until then....Im all ears. ....


I'm on it....give me some ideas 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Ingalls said:


> Whoa!! What!!! Yay Yay Yay! My heart is pounding! Sooooo excited! Whoot hoot!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Mine too!!!! Im soooo glad I can hardly stand it. she made a really obvious fish today and I got upset. so she's ALMOST outta our lives(at least physically). Then we can actually move on to real R. I so totally am expecting at least one MAJOR move from her in the next two weeks though. I have warned him(thanks Sig).


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> No one should go through what you are going through. Sorry. I did not mean to say you were sitting around all day. If I was in my new house things would be improving and if your husband would be in another job things would be better for you. Just hard to deal with these disappointments and delays and I am hoping that things do get better for you Cant. They will but right now the relief you were hoping for is not happening.
> 
> Hang in there and again sorry.


its all good. I just wanted you to put yourself in my position. Your wife with OM. access to her when he pleases and you MUST tolerate it AND hear it/see it. Or have her be with him and you know it and there's not a damned thing you can do about it. NOTHING. Just making sure you got the picture. 

we're good, Thor. NONE of this is easy for aNY of us.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Mine too!!!! Im soooo glad I can hardly stand it. she made a really obvious fish today and I got upset. so she's ALMOST outta our lives(at least physically). Then we can actually move on to real R. I so totally am expecting at least one MAJOR move from her in the next two weeks though. I have warned him(thanks Sig).


Really? That bold??? Urgh-gosh some people...married man!?!?!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Ingalls said:


> Really? That bold??? Urgh-gosh some people...married man!?!?!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


um, well she's married and obviously doesnt care soooo ya know.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> um, well she's married and obviously doesnt care soooo ya know.


Do I smell a plan in the making??:scratchhead:


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

I know an AWFUL LOT about her.... email address, home #, office#, cell#, husbands # and email, neighbors names, parents names and address and things like she had an abortion b/c she got pregnant by her married college professor and soooo much more.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> YAY!!!!!! Youre right Beo, its exactly what Ive been waiting for and today she pushed him right to it.
> 
> I have my own Ideas for whats gonna happen to her AFTER he's gone but until then....Im all ears. ....


Well, for starters I would answer the phone every single time she calls and engage her in _pleasant_ conversation for quite a while. Get her aggravated that she can't get hold of him without going through you.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> Well, for starters I would answer the phone every single time she calls and engage her in _pleasant_ conversation for quite a while. Get her aggravated that she can't get hold of him without going through you.


Oh Beo youre asking alot. You want me to engage the woman that wants to at very least sleep with my H? I thought we were making HER life a living hell? Oh man, Youre trying to kill me arent you? But boy that sounds fun too...


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Thorburn said:


> No one should go through what you are going through. Sorry. I did not mean to say you were sitting around all day. If I was in my new house things would be improving and if your husband would be in another job things would be better for you. Just hard to deal with these disappointments and delays and I am hoping that things do get better for you Cant. They will but right now the relief you were hoping for is not happening.
> 
> Hang in there and again sorry.


You hang in there too Thorburn. Its going to happen. You just have to believe it. Is there any chance you can cut down on the days at the job to spend more at home until the house goes through? Any way your wife can come stay with you more? What I'm saying is that you could make it a fun dating kind of thing. She stays with you, you stay with her. Almost like fantasy role play. I don't know I'm just trying to find ways for you both to bridge the gap until the house thing is settled.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Oh Beo youre asking alot. You want me to engage the woman that wants to at very least sleep with my H? I thought we were making HER life a living hell? Oh man, Youre trying to kill me arent you? But boy that sound fun too...


Just think how p!ssed off she'd be though. She tried to take your husband....*BUT COULDN'T!!!*

Now she has to go through you to get to him. You could play all sorts of mind games with her for those few minutes. :FIREdevil:


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## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

Can't, im so happy for you. Your husband has definitely proven his commitment to you. This is a new beginning that you have been praying for. Im wishing you the best for your R journey. 

much love & God bless!
xoxo


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

@Beo

why NO, NO she couldnt!!!!! hAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Gave it the ole' college try though and Im sure she's of the 'if at first you dont succeed..' mentality. I dont think she'll get the job done but it aint over YET. SO IM paying very close attention to things. And if she calls and I have the opportunity I would love to make her go thru me.....:rofl:


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Its a definate step in the right direction. Just gotta get thru these next 2 weeks and I think she will inject herself more and more under the guise of 'work'. THe difference is that he doesnt have to be quite so accomodating at this point, right? WHat are they gonna do? Fire him? He does his job for the next 2 weeks, nothing more..
Then that night we go to dinner and sort of 'celebrate' this part of this mess as being over. He is not leaving contact info w/ANYONE from that job. Cutting off everyone so there is NO backdoor access for her to him or him to her.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

It is amazing what a few hours or a day does in our lives. You were looking at weeks of hell one moment to where you now got what you were hoping. Good for you Cant.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> It is amazing what a few hours or a day does in our lives. You were looking at weeks of hell one moment to where you now got what you were hoping. Good for you Cant.


Thank you Thor. And its gonna happen for you. I like Beo's thought. Cant she come to you during the week sometimes? You have to try to find a way to at least alleviate some of the pressure between now and when you close on the new place. So its a long drive for her.....Remember our conversation about your jeans and whats important????


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> @Beo
> 
> why NO, NO she couldnt!!!!! hAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Gave it the ole' college try though and Im sure she's of the 'if at first you dont succeed..' mentality. I dont think she'll get the job done but it aint over YET. SO IM paying very close attention to things. And if she calls and I have the opportunity I would love to make her go thru me.....:rofl:


You said she got pregnant by her college professor? Say his name was John Smith and her name is Jane Doe. Maybe this type of conversation can happen.

Ring, ring (phone)

You: "Hello John Smith this is canttrustu again."

Jane Doe: "No, I'm sorry this is Jane Doe. Is Mr. canttrustu there?"

You: "Oh yes I'm sorry. I thought you were Professor Smith calling back. Hang on I'll get MY HUSBAND." (in the background so she can hear) "Darling, its your coworker Jane Doe on the phone for you. Don't be too long honey, I want to cuddle on the couch some more."

I'm usually a very nice person. But one someone threatens my family I get cold, unemotional and vicious. If you couldn't do something like that I can understand but if you can it will totally throw her off her game.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I disagree, I think just plain old cutting her out of your life and ignoring her is the way to go

If you poke a crazy person they get crazier


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> You said she got pregnant by her college professor? Say his name was John Smith and her name is Jane Doe. Maybe this type of conversation can happen.
> 
> Ring, ring (phone)
> 
> ...


Oh I could do it. I have some great plans for Ms. Doe after May 8.
But F ing with her in the meantime, Im good with that too. I figure she's been screwing with MY life for more than a year now so its only fair, right? I feel bad as her H's world is about to be turned upside down but he should know. I couldnt do too much while she was still his boss but May 9th....game on.

Also It might make her give pause before messing around in another womans life anytime soon if I make it memorable enough.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> I disagree, I think just plain old cutting her out of your life and ignoring her is the way to go
> 
> If you poke a crazy person they get crazier


she's not crazy, she's rude and thoughtless and self-absorbed. Crazy-no. I, on the other hand, am full on NUTS.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> she's not crazy, she's rude and thoughtless and self-absorbed. Crazy-no. I, on the other hand, am full on NUTS.



but she's obsessed and the more you screw with her obsession the more determined she will be, by ignoring her you don't validate anything


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> but she's obsessed and the more you screw with her obsession the more determined she will be, by ignoring her you don't validate anything


See, I'm more of the eye for an eye type of person when it comes to screwing with the family. And yes I know that some will say that leads to both parties being blind. But that just means I'll have a cane to hit the other person with.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> but she's obsessed and the more you screw with her obsession the more determined she will be, by ignoring her you don't validate anything


true but she's also obsessed with her money and lifestyle. My life has been upsidedown for months(much longer I just didnt know). Yes, I blame HIM. No doubt about that and we are dealing w/that. Its only fair she has the same issues to deal with at home. AT work. With her family.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> See, I'm more of the eye for an eye type of person when it comes to screwing with the family. And yes I know that some will say that leads to both parties being blind. But that just means I'll have a cane to hit the other person with.


And I wont be doing it blindly. Ive had(unfortunately) a long time to think thru what and how things should go. Im not just flying off the handle. Its methodical. She messed w/the wrong woman.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> And I wont be doing it blindly. Ive had(unfortunately) a long time to think thru what and how things should go. Im not just flying off the handle. Its methodical. She messed w/the wrong woman.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Until now my ONLY concern was keeping him from her and her from him. I still have that concern but he has shown very CLEARLY that he is done with her. I have been very patient. I have had long nights awake, unable to sleep, thinking about how to best serve the dish of revenge. I think I will start simultaneously w/her H and the HR dept at work. I have about 200 emails to start off the show. She is his superior, I doubt it will be viewed favorably. I will mail them or fax them to her H at his job. Prob fax to be sure it happens at the relative same time as the HR issue. Then its on to her proud momma and poppa. Oh and she has a fb page.....


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Almostrecovered said:


> I disagree, I think just plain old cutting her out of your life and ignoring her is the way to go
> 
> If you poke a crazy person they get crazier


I agree. 

When my H cut off his howorker she started acting out in completely obvious and stupid ways. One day she left work (@ a college) and was gone for two minutes when she came running back into the room saying, "I almost fainted down the hall! I feel so dizzy!" He looked at her like she was stupid, said "then sit down", then went right back to work. The b*tch was carrying her backpack and a giant purse, felt like she was going to faint, but decided to walk down atleast one long hall and open a door without realizing she should sit down? Puh-leeze!!! 

She sent a couple business-esque emails after she moved out of state which were ignored as well. I love thinking about her poor little self realizing she's nobody to him. 

I say you just ignore all phone calls from here on out. If your H can treat her like she's nothing but an annoyance, that will help too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Until now my ONLY concern was keeping him from her and her from him. I still have that concern but he has shown very CLEARLY that he is done with her. I have been very patient. I have had long nights awake, unable to sleep, thinking about how to best serve the dish of revenge. I think I will start simultaneously w/her H and the HR dept at work. I have about 200 emails to start off the show. She is his superior, I doubt it will be viewed favorably. I will mail them or fax them to her H at his job. Prob fax to be sure it happens at the relative same time as the HR issue. Then its on to her proud momma and poppa. Oh and she has a fb page.....



now THAT has the AR seal of approval


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

canttrustu said:


> Until now my ONLY concern was keeping him from her and her from him. I still have that concern but he has shown very CLEARLY that he is done with her. I have been very patient. I have had long nights awake, unable to sleep, thinking about how to best serve the dish of revenge. I think I will start simultaneously w/her H and the HR dept at work. I have about 200 emails to start off the show. She is his superior, I doubt it will be viewed favorably. I will mail them or fax them to her H at his job. Prob fax to be sure it happens at the relative same time as the HR issue. Then its on to her proud momma and poppa. Oh and she has a fb page.....


Thumbs up to this! Just don't speak to her directly. She'll want to share her story, don't let her!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Cant - give some credence to AR's point. An obsessed person can do some very strange things. You and your H are on the mend, you're relationship is more fragile and more subject to her drama than her world may be to yours. My wife and I went through something similar with my AP. I understand the desire to pee in her Cheerios but sometimes it's best to let sleeping dogs lie and leave the rest to the karma bus. 

In the end all you really want is for OW to go away and leave your lives. Remember that.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

WhereAmI said:


> I agree.
> 
> When my H cut off his howorker she started acting out in completely obvious and stupid ways. One day she left work (@ a college) and was gone for two minutes when she came running back into the room saying, "I almost fainted down the hall! I feel so dizzy!" He looked at her like she was stupid, said "then sit down", then went right back to work. The b*tch was carrying her backpack and a giant purse, felt like she was going to faint, but decided to walk down atleast one long hall and open a door without realizing she should sit down? Puh-leeze!!!
> 
> ...


yes but this 'woman' is a CFO of a fortune 500 company. She's not gonna do that. She will do all she can to deny and hold her little world(image)together. I guarantee it. I've spent alot of time finding out ALOT about her. How do you think I know about her college Professor? And thats just the tip of the iceberg for Ms. lovely. I plan to sit him down and show him just exactly who she is and how much he didnt know about this person he had feelings for enough to risk his marriage for. So its a lesson all around.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I'm all for peeing in her cheerios, but don't deal with her directly and instead make moves in the background to thwart her attempts. It's better for her to be busy with putting out fires than cant being reactionary to OW's moves


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Shoot, maybe they are right. I'm in a bit of a devilish mood today so you should probably listen to the others. But damn I was looking forward to a little revenge.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> Cant - give some credence to AR's point. An obsessed person can do some very strange things. You and your H are on the mend, you're relationship is more fragile and more subject to her drama than her world may be to yours. My wife and I went through something similar with my AP. I understand the desire to pee in her Cheerios but sometimes it's best to let sleeping dogs lie and leave the rest to the karma bus.
> 
> In the end all you really want is for OW to go away and leave your lives. Remember that.


No, thats PART of what I want. Part of this is his lesson too. He doesnt really know a damned thing about her. Except how she tucks her hair behind her ear and how she strokes his ego...blah blah blah. I want him to know who he REALLY traded me for. And I dont think she should just keep her 200k/yr while he has to look for a new job....


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

canttrustu said:


> yes but this 'woman' is a CFO of a fortune 500 company. She's not gonna do that. She will do all she can to deny and hold her little world(image)together. I guarantee it. I've spent alot of time finding out ALOT about her. How do you think I know about her college Professor? And thats just the tip of the iceberg for Ms. lovely. I plan to sit him down and show him just exactly who she is and how much he didnt know about this person he had feelings for enough to risk his marriage for. So its a lesson all around.


I was only disagreeing with messing with her on the phone. I'm all for taking her down through her business and H. Direct contact from you or your H feeds her ego and that is what I think should be avoided.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Great minds think alike though Beo. I could so easily have done that. But its prob best for me not to personally engage her as much as I would love to. As un-ladylike as it sounds, I'd like to kick her a$$ because she desperately deserves it. Let her go back in to work with a busted face and make sure I tell just the right person who works there(the biggest mouth possible) just what the hell happened to the poor b*tch and why.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Great minds think alike though Beo. I could so easily have done that. But its prob best for me not to personally engage her as much as I would love to. As un-ladylike as it sounds, I'd like to kick her a$$ because she desperately deserves it. Let her go back in to work with a busted face and make sure I tell just the right person who works there(the biggest mouth possible) just what the hell happened to the poor b*tch and why.


Ha...I would have done the phone conversation too!!! But handling it through HR would be the best. I can't wait to hear THOSE stories and how that all turns out!!! Sounds like getting reprimanded by her company would hurt her way worse since she is money hungry and wrapped into her climbing a corporate ladder! I guess silent revenge could be twice as much fun :rofl:


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Ingalls said:


> Ha...I would have done the phone conversation too!!! But handling it through HR would be the best. I can't wait to hear THOSE stories and how that all turns out!!! Sounds like getting reprimanded by her company would hurt her way worse since she is money hungry and wrapped into her climbing a corporate ladder! I guess silent revenge could be twice as much fun :rofl:


And it would certainly explain why her husband resigned. Hmmm, lawsuit? Damn, I'm still in revenge mode.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> And it would certainly explain why her husband resigned. Hmmm, lawsuit? Damn, I'm still in revenge mode.


Oh yeah. He could NOT avoid her. She made sure of it. THe only way out is thru the front door in the scenerio. And after he exits he closes ALL communication with EVERYONE from that company so as to completely cut her off. He changes email address, phone number, he's got no fb or linkdin sooooo he disappears from her. That is the ONLY way.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

AND..............we're off! She has now told his boss to have HIM call HER to discuss some things.....This way if he doesnt he is directly disregarding TWO supervisors. .What she said she wanted to discuss is irrelevant b/c its leaving his dept by HER order anyway and she knows that. She is just trying to force HIM to call HER.

He replied basically it doesnt make sense to go thru this w/her and then again with whomover she assigns to take over my duties. 

So now we wait for the reply to that email. (his boss is sending these requests via email while on vacation)


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Yup - here we go. At least now we know she is going to put up a fight and you can prepare and react accordingly. 

No one really expected her to take the highroad and make it easy though. Any phone calls from her or big boss trying to get him to reconsider?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

No. The BIG guy has had his sights set on her for quite a while so he will be MORE than happy to see my H go. (Did I mention that she is a sl*t?) They usually dont ask you to reconsider at that place anyway. Its a big place they kinda lose people daily.

But Im preparing myself. He will probably HAVE to call.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

canttrustu said:


> No. The BIG guy has had his sights set on her for quite a while so he will be MORE than happy to see my H go. (Did I mention that she is a sl*t?) They usually dont ask you to reconsider at that place anyway. Its a big place they kinda lose people daily.
> 
> But Im preparing myself. He will probably HAVE to call.


In front of you and on speaker phone by any chance?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Does he have a recording app on his phone?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> Does he have a recording app on his phone?


I dont think so.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

WhereAmI said:


> In front of you and on speaker phone by any chance?


In front of me for sure probably not on speaker. Honestly, I can hear her thru the phone anyway.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> I dont think so.



so no smart phone? most smart phones have a basic recorder as a standard app that comes with the phone


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> so no smart phone? most smart phones have a basic recorder as a standard app that comes with the phone


its a blackberry


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

not sure about BB's

ask your husband, and if he has it record the meeting- that way if she tries something he has something to report her with and you get the added benefit of listening to what she tries to say


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> not sure about BB's
> 
> ask your husband, and if he has it record the meeting- that way if she tries something he has something to report her with and you get the added benefit of listening to what she tries to say


I did, he said he didnt know either. said he's never had a reason to use that feature so he's not sure. I guess we could call the bb support desk at his job...


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well, Im sure there are free apps he can quickly download if he doesnt have one

https://www.google.com/search?q=voi...s=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

I hope she has a nervous breakdown right there in the office.


Was that bad to say out loud?


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Cantrustu...wow.. I've read this from the start, its like a made for TV movie, I could see Glen Close or Demi Moore playing her part..nuts, just plain nuts...

Hoping the very best for you and your husband...


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

So as we know he has been working from home- REVOKED. AS of Monday he is ordered back to the office. NO suprise at all, right. So that means 7 days of THIS. I'm gonna need lots of support. I knew this would happen but it doesnt ease the blow when it does. He's kind of like I can say 'no' what are they gonna do, fire me? But honestly, that's prob not the best idea. So I gotta grin and bare it. ARRRGGG!!!


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

strugglinghusband said:


> Cantrustu...wow.. I've read this from the start, its like a made for TV movie, I could see Glen Close or Demi Moore playing her part..nuts, just plain nuts...
> 
> Hoping the very best for you and your husband...


And would we call the movie FML???


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> So as we know he has been working from home- REVOKED. AS of Monday he is ordered back to the office. NO suprise at all, right. So that means 7 days of THIS. I'm gonna need lots of support. I knew this would happen but it doesnt ease the blow when it does. He's kind of like I can say 'no' what are they gonna do, fire me? But honestly, that's prob not the best idea. So I gotta grin and bare it. ARRRGGG!!!


I do like his reply to you though. It does show that your feelings are the first and foremost thing on his mind. Vent here anytime you need to. You'll get through this.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> So as we know he has been working from home- REVOKED. AS of Monday he is ordered back to the office. NO suprise at all, right. So that means 7 days of THIS. I'm gonna need lots of support. I knew this would happen but it doesnt ease the blow when it does. He's kind of like I can say 'no' what are they gonna do, fire me? But honestly, that's prob not the best idea. So I gotta grin and bare it. ARRRGGG!!!


Figured that was going to happen. Question. If the new job (still no word??) doesn't pan out and he needs a reference who would it be from, OW, big boss, or someone else?

If it's not OW, he can go ahead and give her a F Off no contact letter, if it's not either one of them he can put up more of a fight to stay at home. Can he go to big boss and tell him that the reason he wants to finish out his two weeks at home is because he was involved with the OW and he's fighting for his marriage? That ought to make it a little more exciting at work and at least big boss would know what the real story is.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> Figured that was going to happen. Question. If the new job (still no word??) doesn't pan out and he needs a reference who would it be from, OW, big boss, or someone else?
> 
> If it's not OW, he can go ahead and give her a F Off no contact letter, if it's not either one of them he can put up more of a fight to stay at home. Can he go to big boss and tell him that the reason he wants to finish out his two weeks at home is because he was involved with the OW and he's fighting for his marriage? That ought to make it a little more exciting at work and at least big boss would know what the real story is.


Maybe he can go to HR and explain the reason he's resigning is because his BOSS seduced him into an affair and continues to pressure him after he ended it. That's why he wants to finish out his last two weeks at home. I would bet they will make it so he doesn't have to physically show up to work and still be able to leave on good terms.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

^^Exactly.:iagree::iagree:


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> ^^Exactly.:iagree::iagree:


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

I wish it would happen that way but its the most currupt place ive ever seen. The BIG guy is chasing after HER. He has been for months. He will cover for her and he is the CEO. Im telling you its Unholy the sh*t that this has stirred. He has two choices...go or get fired. Thats pretty much it.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

get a lawyer and at the very least threaten a law suit then, watch how fast he scrambles


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

but HE is just as guilty and in the beginning he pursued her. And right now the WAY she is fishing LOOKS like its work but its just excuses for contact. But there is NO way to prove that. And SHE didnt order him back HIS boss did even though Im sure she had a hand in it ultimately. Right now I could just choke HIM.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

So he's got to work there another week? Thats not too bad can't. You obviously trust that it's over so just make sure he stays in contact during the day and you keep on having open and honest conversations.
My H still works with the ex OW. Some days it's hard but I know it's over now a d when I'm feeling a bit insecure we always discuss it and sort it out.
Good luck to you
DG
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

We knew there was going to be drama. Just grit your teeth and plow through it. He can create quite a stink for them - he's quitting - they have more to lose than he does. If everyone behaves well it's a better path for him just to put his head down and go, but if they try to make it hard or make him uncomfortable he shouldn't put up with any sh!t. He is quitting because a superior carried on an inappropriate personal relationship with a him - a subordinate.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Oh and just a thought if the place is as corrupt as you say, chances are nothing will happen when you expose the A. My Hs A was exposed at work. There were no work based consequences for him or the OW.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

^^^Sigma
:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

if everyone behaves.....

His immediate supervisor is being a real d*ck. I dont really understand what the issue is but they are being real A holes. I, in one way want him to just quit, but on the other hand, it serves him right to have to endure this crap.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> So he's got to work there another week? Thats not too bad can't. You obviously trust that it's over so just make sure he stays in contact during the day and you keep on having open and honest conversations.
> My H still works with the ex OW. Some days it's hard but I know it's over now a d when I'm feeling a bit insecure we always discuss it and sort it out.
> Good luck to you
> DG
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks and youre a better woman than me I guess if you can tolerate him being w/her still. I personally cant. How long did your H have this relationship? was it EA or PA? How long ago?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have him go to HR and confess the affair and his decision to depart. He should tell HR that he believes that she is using her position to pressure him to continue the affair, and that she is manipulating the work environment,

If he could have a call with her discussing the adfiar and record it to play it back to HR all the better. I've seen C level guys in fort 500 dumped out the door the same day as stuff like this got brought to HR,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Thanks and youre a better woman than me I guess if you can tolerate him being w/her still. I personally cant. How long did your H have this relationship? was it EA or PA? How long ago?


It's not about being the better woman can't, it's just the way it is and I have to live with it at the moment.
I know my Hs A is over and that's what I try and focus on. He is making a supreme effort and doing everything he possibly can to reasure and support me.
Initially it was an EA that lasted on and of for 9 months. When it was exposed by OWH to everyone and he moved out it became PA. That lasted 3 weeks and My H finished it. We have only been in R for a month!
Yes I know it sounds ridiculous that I am so convinced its over, but it is! I know my H. I knew something was wrong as soon as it started and I know now that it's over ( he had classic MLC symptoms too). Our R is going really well, despite them still working in the same place. Of course I wish the circumstances were different but the way I see it, if he wanted to be with her then he would be doesn't matter if they work together or not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> It's not about being the better woman can't, it's just the way it is and I have to live with it at the moment.
> I know my Hs A is over and that's what I try and focus on. He is making a supreme effort and doing everything he possibly can to reasure and support me.
> Initially it was an EA that lasted on and of for 9 months. When it was exposed by OWH to everyone and he moved out it became PA. That lasted 3 weeks and My H finished it. We have only been in R for a month!
> Yes I know it sounds ridiculous that I am so convinced its over, but it is! I know my H. I knew something was wrong as soon as it started and I know now that it's over ( he had classic MLC symptoms too). Our R is going really well, despite them still working in the same place. Of course I wish the circumstances were different but the way I see it, if he wanted to be with her then he would be doesn't matter if they work together or not.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good for you.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

TODAY could very well be the day I come undone.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Does your husband have a good relationship with his doctor? Can he call in sick for the next week (his last) saying he has a very contagious condition. Just thought I'd throw it out there.

You'll be ok. Just remember he is doing and saying all the right things. You can vent here if you need to.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

why dont you just take him up on his offer of not going in?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> why dont you just take him up on his offer of not going in?


because he doesnt have another job so he will need a reference..


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

I just need this to be over. I know Im whining and Im sorry.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

do something productive and will require mental attention


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> do something productive and will require mental attention


I am, unfortunately, sitting here listening to my college aged daughter bawl her eyes out b/c her ex boyfriend started dating again after 1 week so im kinda house bound at the moment....


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

You are allowed to whine, what ever the hell you want!!! beat the crap out of a pillow, do something physical go for a run...let it out, try to catch A/R's bouncing turtle (that little sucker is fasssstttt)

Better days are coming...Beleive it


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

strugglinghusband said:


> You are allowed to whine, what ever the hell you want!!! beat the crap out of a pillow, do something physical go for a run...let it out, try to catch A/R's bouncing turtle (that little sucker is fasssstttt)
> 
> Better days are coming...Beleive it


Damnit AR hold still!!!


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

strugglinghusband said:


> You are allowed to whine, what ever the hell you want!!! beat the crap out of a pillow, do something physical go for a run...let it out, try to catch A/R's bouncing turtle (that little sucker is fasssstttt)
> 
> Better days are coming...Beleive it


and I went for a run at 3 am. Did some sit ups and yoga this am. Not bad on NO sleep,huh?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I can't sit still, my mind races all the time


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

I saw the most stunning women(thought she was a goddess at 1st) this morning running full steam down the side of the road, I could hear the profanities coming from her mouth far before I could see her, I thought she seemed distressed, so I slowed down to see if she was ok...

As I passsed by she gave me the evil eye,and was screaming about some evil **** woman baracuda (scared the **** out of me) and asked if I knew her..
I quickly wound up my window, locked the doors and sped away quickly...

was that you?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

strugglinghusband said:


> I saw the most stunning women(thought she was a goddess at 1st) this morning running full steam down the side of the road, I could hear the profanities coming from her mouth far before I could see her, I thought she seemed distressed, so I slowed down to see if she was ok...
> 
> As I passsed by she gave me the evil eye,and was screaming about some evil **** woman baracuda (scared the **** out of me) and asked if I knew her..
> I quickly wound up my window, locked the doors and sped away quickly...
> ...


SSSHHHH, dont be telling people how gorgeous I am(lol) they'll start stalking me on here...:lol:


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> SSSHHHH, dont be telling people how gorgeous I am(lol) they'll start stalking me on here...:lol:


Too late. Muhahahahaha


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> Too late. Muhahahahaha


I just exposed you to Morrigan


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> I just exposed you to Morrigan


I've already exposed myself to Morrigan many times. I'll be doing it again shortly.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

So these last few days-indescribable. Everytime he speaks to me its like being stabbed in the heart. Now he has to go back to work tomorrow and so of course its the perfect time to drop a bomb like "I loved her" right? He has said so much over the last few days and I swear as he speaks my thoughts are so ....far gone that I cant even look at him. Its gone from bad to worse. I dont know if I can be with him. I dont know if I can be without him. I feel as if my life with him for the last year(at least)has been nothing but lies. He has become someone I dont recognize. Today is a bad day.


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## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> So these last few days-indescribable. Everytime he speaks to me its like being stabbed in the heart. Now he has to go back to work tomorrow and so of course its the perfect time to drop a bomb like "I loved her" right? He has said so much over the last few days and I swear as he speaks my thoughts are so ....far gone that I cant even look at him. Its gone from bad to worse. I dont know if I can be with him. I dont know if I can be without him. I feel as if my life with him for the last year(at least)has been nothing but lies. He has become someone I dont recognize. Today is a bad day.


Can't please dont give up hope for your R.
Eventho the next couple of weeks will be hard, it will be worth it in the end.

Remember the labour pain before you give birth? That final stage, you are in the middle of it right now. This is also why people say its darkest before dawn, you are so close to your victory. Hang in there and dig your heels in, don't give up....and you will be enjoying the fruit of your labour soon enough.

Im sending you much love and (((HUGS)))
xoxo


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

DownUnder said:


> Can't please dont give up hope for your R.
> Eventho the next couple of weeks will be hard, it will be worth it in the end.
> 
> Remember the labour pain before you give birth? That final stage, you are in the middle of it right now. This is also why people say its darkest before dawn, you are so close to your victory. Hang in there and dig your heels in, don't give up....and you will be enjoying the fruit of your labour soon enough.
> ...


Du, thanks for the encouragement. I do remember the pain of labor and I KNEW for sure there was something beautiful at the end. In this case I thought there was something beautiful in the beginning(before the EA). I havent given up but I have started to crawl back into my hole a bit. I feel like I have to protect my heart from him. Thats a crappy place to be. I worry that we havent yet hit bottom. That I still dont have the whole truth and that it will slowly seep out more and more instead of just head on, ONE TIME. The TT ing is miserable. I dont know if he is just realizing the answers or if he has just been lying his ass off. I suspect its a mixture. The longer he is away from HER the more truthful he is and the more clear he is. So here's the problem tomorrow its BACK TO WORK. She will have unfettered access again. She is out of town but he still has a phone and Im sure ways to communicate with her if he wants to. Im not sure he's been away from HER long enough to be completely out of the fog. So I feel like in order to protect myself, I have to expect the worst. But Ive not given up just yet. Just maybe letting go a little.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Du, thanks for the encouragement. I do remember the pain of labor and I KNEW for sure there was something beautiful at the end. In this case I thought there was something beautiful in the beginning(before the EA). I havent given up but I have started to crawl back into my hole a bit. I feel like I have to protect my heart from him. Thats a crappy place to be. I worry that we havent yet hit bottom. That I still dont have the whole truth and that it will slowly seep out more and more instead of just head on, ONE TIME. The TT ing is miserable. I dont know if he is just realizing the answers or if he has just been lying his ass off. I suspect its a mixture. The longer he is away from HER the more truthful he is and the more clear he is. So here's the problem tomorrow its BACK TO WORK. She will have unfettered access again. She is out of town but he still has a phone and Im sure ways to communicate with her if he wants to. Im not sure he's been away from HER long enough to be completely out of the fog. So I feel like in order to protect myself, I have to expect the worst. But Ive not given up just yet. Just maybe letting go a little.


Can't,

Your husband is still in the fog right now but is desperately trying not to be if that makes any sense. Morrigan was the same way on D-Day since she saw him, broke it off and came clean the same day. She was trying very hard to be as honest and forthcoming as she could but she was still very confused. As long as he is still in contact it won't really be over. That is why I was so desperately trying to make you understand why he needed to leave that job immediately. Once he is no longer in any contact you will see him coming out of the fog more and more. And the more he comes out of the fog the more remorseful he will be. You just have to hang in there a little while longer. Or else he needs to just walk away now. You both need to do what is healthiest for you and your marriage at this point. Nothing else matters.

As I said once before, I think what is happening is that he has tried to build a wall around himself for protection. He is essentially ignoring much of what is going on. Once he is out of there he will start to see things more clearly and you may get more details as to what went on. I really don't think he's holding back anything purposefully but he's just not clearheaded enough to give you the correct answers and complete accounting. I think you already know most of what went on but you will probably get more information around the context of those revelations. DU is right. Something good is right around the corner. You just have to be strong and believe.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> Can't,
> 
> Your husband is still in the fog right now but is desperately trying not to be if that makes any sense. Morrigan was the same way on D-Day since she saw him, broke it off and came clean the same day. She was trying very hard to be as honest and forthcoming as she could but she was still very confused. As long as he is still in contact it won't really be over. That is why I was so desperately trying to make you understand why he needed to leave that job immediately. Once he is no longer in any contact you will see him coming out of the fog more and more. And the more he comes out of the fog the more remorseful he will be. You just have to hang in there a little while longer. Or else he needs to just walk away now. You both need to do what is healthiest for you and your marriage at this point. Nothing else matters.
> 
> As I said once before, I think what is happening is that he has tried to build a wall around himself for protection. He is essentially ignoring much of what is going on. Once he is out of there he will start to see things more clearly and you may get more details as to what went on. I really don't think he's holding back anything purposefully but he's just not clearheaded enough to give you the correct answers and complete accounting. I think you already know most of what went on but you will probably get more information around the context of those revelations. DU is right. Something good is right around the corner. You just have to be strong and believe.


Beo, its the 'revelations' that are killing me. I just want the whole damned truth, ONE TIME. ALL OF IT. Its bad as you know b/c as the bs you sit around and suddenly something pops into your head and BAM! Its another 'oh my God, I wish I hadnt thought of that b/c now I have to ask'. Its so miserable. Right now its all up in my head about him saying he at least thought he loved her. Now he knows it was just a character based on her and not really her that he built up in his head. But knowing it went that far in his head makes it very difficult for me to trust any feelings he says he has for me. And with him having these 'revelations' of his real emotion toward her(though I think he knew it at the time_) how will that play out with her in his face again and pushing full throttle?


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Beo, its the 'revelations' that are killing me. I just want the whole damned truth, ONE TIME. ALL OF IT. Its bad as you know b/c as the bs you sit around and suddenly something pops into your head and BAM! Its another 'oh my God, I wish I hadnt thought of that b/c now I have to ask'. Its so miserable. Right now its all up in my head about him saying he at least thought he loved her. Now he knows it was just a character based on her and not really her that he built up in his head. But knowing it went that far in his head makes it very difficult for me to trust any feelings he says he has for me. And with him having these 'revelations' of his real emotion toward her(though I think he knew it at the time_) how will that play out with her in his face again and pushing full throttle?


Morrigan told her AP she loved him also. She told him she wished she was his wife and not mine. She told me on D-Day she didn't love me. Believe me I know exactly how you feel. All I can say is that she has show how much she has loved me for the last 20 years. So which was true, her emotions for her AP? That she didn't really love me at all? That she wished she wasn't my wife? No, those were all false feelings. It was euphoric elation caused by dopamine release. She was on drugs. Can't take anything she said seriously. What your husband had was not real emotions for her. And after he can complete NC and remain sequestered from her he will wonder how he could have even thought that way. Frankly he'll feel so stupid and ashamed. As for work this week, you either have to put up with it or have him quit tomorrow morning. If I recall correctly he offered to just quit and not go in. If you can't handle him working there another week just take him up on his offer.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Actually, I was under the impression that companies don't give references anyway. The most any company's HR dept will disclosed is date of hire and date of separation. They don't disclose any other details including why the employee no longer works there. Most medium to large companies are afraid of lawsuits. So if your husband just quit would there really be any repercussions? He would probably be the best one to answer that question but like he said what can they do fire him?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Its true, firing him is the worst they can do, right? Well its Monday and he's already there so here goes nothing' I guess. Neither of us slept much so I feel bad for him having to enter such a high stress zone having slept so little. Let's see how it goes.:scratchhead:


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Poor H. he has been at work for about 2.5 hrs. He has called once and texted me 3 times. I think he is a doing ALL he can to ease my fear. I cant put into words how it makes me feel for him to make ME his priority when he is so miserable. Makes me hopeful right now.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Poor H. he has been at work for about 2.5 hrs. He has called once and texted me 3 times. I think he is a doing ALL he can to ease my fear. I cant put into words how it makes me feel for him to make ME his priority when he is so miserable. Makes me hopeful right now.


That's are really good sign - in both of you. That he's willing to do it and you can recognize it.

There's a reason what he's doing is called "heavy lifting" it's no fun at all but it's a necessary part of reconciling.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Poor H. he has been at work for about 2.5 hrs. He has called once and texted me 3 times. I think he is a doing ALL he can to ease my fear. I cant put into words how it makes me feel for him to make ME his priority when he is so miserable. Makes me hopeful right now.


as much as I hate to say this but the added stresses of all of this has put him to the test and he's showing you that he wants this to work with you


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## better than before (Aug 3, 2011)

Your actions show that you are opening up to him. You feel his pain today. You will get through this!! You are both focused on what the other needs today, and this will see you through the hard times. It will take years to fully process it all and deal with your emotions, but I think you have the strength that it will take.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Its times like these that lets you separate the fantasy 'love' from the real thing. I feel for him b/c he doesnt have the option of curling up in a ball or 'talking' to people who understand. He has to put his nose to the grind stone and push through. Maybe I will make his favorite dinner.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

So its another day at the 'joint' for him. He did well yesterday, said it wasnt too bad. Came home stressed but it fell off after dinner. We didnt talk about our issues AT ALL last night. We talked about his work, his day, my day and going forward. Then we had a GOOD night....

I hope he does ok today with few problems again. Today I feel a bit more stressed than yesterday(dont know why). I ran 3 miles at midnight and that felt good. Gotta be careful though I've lost ALOT of weight. Im sure alot of us have. I was ok with the first 10lbs then-too much. He is stressing about that. Constantly putting food under my nose. Im down 25lbs now. I was pretty small to begin with so, ya know. Now im losing (((aaahhh))))boob. oh NO!!! TMI...:rofl:


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

The TAM diet - we could make a fortune...

Glad y'all had a good night


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Your boobies are in my prayers!

It sounds like you're both handling this pretty well. It's nice to hear about R going so well around these parts. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Come back bewbs come back!!


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

WhereAmI said:


> Your boobies are in my prayers!
> 
> It sounds like you're both handling this pretty well. It's nice to hear about R going so well around these parts.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks the girls need it.


Its definately a rollercoaster. Good one day, not so good another. par for the course I think. But as I see it, we are both still here, speaking and trying so that counts as going well.
Next week could prove to be a bit rougher Im afraid.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

this man stole them!!


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Thanks the girls need it.
> 
> 
> Its definately a rollercoaster. Good one day, not so good another. par for the course I think. But as I see it, we are both still here, speaking and trying so that counts as going well.
> Next week could prove to be a bit rougher Im afraid.


You know I was thinking of something. This might be my evil vengeful side coming out again but have you thought about suggesting to your husband that he carry a VAR with him at work? If the OW says something lewd or suggestive to him he could take it to HR and immediately leave with full pay. I don't know, it was just a thought.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> Come back bewbs come back!!


poor guy. Lost so much already and now...oh no, the girls!!! And he's definately a boob man. Though he claims its not the size but the accessibility. he may see it differently when Im wearing a training bra. JK. Hasnt gotten there yet but if we keep at this pace.....


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Dammit AR - you should turtle yourself - that was uncalled for


MY EYES!!!!!!

What has been seen cannot be unseen.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Just take it one day at a time. Eventually as you heal, the days start to run together. 

As long as you get no TT, healing should take place. I know about the TT, my R has been set back a little bit.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> You know I was thinking of something. This might be my evil vengeful side coming out again but have you thought about suggesting to your husband that he carry a VAR with him at work? If the OW says something lewd or suggestive to him he could take it to HR and immediately leave with full pay. I don't know, it was just a thought.


Good idea. I just happen to have one....


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Thanks AR....there goes my breakfast! The TAM diet plan does NOT need your help.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Just take it one day at a time. Eventually as you heal, the days start to run together.
> 
> As long as you get no TT, healing should take place. I know about the TT, my R has been set back a little bit.


Ive gotten a little TT but I dont think it was intentional. I think its just that he is coming out of the fog and things are becoming more clear so he is getting more and more honest. Ive read about your TT and I cant imagine. Im so sorry Lord. hang in there.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Oh geez AR! Blah! Did you hear me say I cant eat???? You just set me back days.....


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> You know I was thinking of something. This might be my evil vengeful side coming out again but have you thought about suggesting to your husband that he carry a VAR with him at work? If the OW says something lewd or suggestive to him he could take it to HR and immediately leave with full pay. I don't know, it was just a thought.


yeah, last night I dreamt that she walked right into his office and sat square in his lap. Now THAT will wake a girl up for a midnight run!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Oh geez AR! Blah! Did you hear me say I cant eat???? You just set me back days.....


but you could find a warm slice of pizza in the folds of his skin


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Now AR you dont know that I dont look just like THAT picture. You could be really hurting my feelings right now. i could weigh 300lbs, you dont know.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

AR tell me this isn't a self portrait  JK


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

ingalls said:


> ar tell me this isn't a self portrait  jk


zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzing!!!!!!


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Ingalls said:


> AR tell me this isn't a self portrait  JK


it isnt....too much hair.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

HEY!! Turnabout is NOT fairplay!!


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

almostrecovered said:


> hey!! Turnabout is not fairplay!!


bazinga!!!!


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> bazinga!!!!


Big Bang Theory fan???!!! 

I love that show


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Oh and that picture is just WRONG...omg...


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> Oh and that picture is just WRONG...omg...


He aint heavy...he's my brother :rofl:


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> Oh and that picture is just WRONG...omg...


Is that a picture of the OM or the OW? I really can't tell.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Its my H's AP....:rofl:


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

So the guys wanted to know if they could have him a going away dinner and drinks for the office!!!! UMMMMM, NO!!!!! What a disaster that could be. Thankfully, he didnt ask what I thought, he just declined. He's learning.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> So the guys wanted to know if they could have him a going away dinner and drinks for the office!!!! UMMMMM, NO!!!!! What a disaster that could be. Thankfully, he didnt ask what I thought, he just declined. He's learning.


:smthumbup:


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Thanks for the support today. You guys are absolute life savers. Another day closer to getting NC. 4.5 -5 days left. The last two...somebody give me a drink. He is doing awesome. He is probably wearing himself out texting me. But he is doing it of his own valition. I never text him. It has been 100% his fullblown effort. He leaves at or before 5'oclock everyday too. Thats new. Its like I got my old H back....

Lets see about those last two days when SHE is back..


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## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

You are doing very well cant, im so happy for you


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

He AND YOU will survive those last two days. It's obvious he is going to put you first and will make this smooth sailing for you! I am happy for ya'll.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Ok. So maybe Im sensitive today? He got up when the alarm went off(no cuddling) took his shower and got dressed and left the bedroom. He went downstairs. I got up and came down too. We did the usual packing lunch etc. then I sat down w/my coffee and he put his shoes on and kinda just patted me and ......left. No hug, no nothin??? So when he got to work I remembered something he needed and called to tell him and he mumbled while talking then I said "ok, well that's all I needed" he said "see ya,bye"......WTF!!!!

So has it only taken 2 days back in the pit for him to start falling back??? He has ALWAYS put the job first and never was one to take off(I would have to sit him down w/a calendar to pick days for PTO or vacation or at the end of the yr he would still have them). Even when I had surgery, he went to work. I have always been the one to have to say "hey when are you gonna take a day off and do something with me" . 

Part of his explaination for his connection with OW was their shared interest in the FVckin' job....whatever. So 2 days back to a place he is leaving and he is so focused on getting there that he doesnt even kiss me goodbye???


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

Maybe don't read too much into it? Is he maybe just ready to get through another day? Get to the end of this? Maybe too his pride is such that he wants too to leave his projects shinning and leave no room for people to say he slacked off in the end just because he gave his notice???
I don't know...you guys have been good at conversation so maybe tonight just let him know it made you uncomfortable and uneasy.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

bring it up

"It was upsetting to me today that you didn't give me a proper goodbye (and explain what that is), I need you to be proactive with that"


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> bring it up
> 
> "It was upsetting to me today that you didn't give me a proper goodbye (and explain what that is), I need you to be proactive with that"


AR said what I was trying in one short simple sentence! I'm wordy!:iagree:


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> bring it up
> 
> "It was upsetting to me today that you didn't give me a proper goodbye (and explain what that is), I need you to be proactive with that"


This is just all so flippin' ridiculous! I now have to ASK him to give me a decent goodbye? It just seems like he should/would be more aware of himself and of me. I mean it seriously seemed like he just couldnt wait to just go. Im spending so much time trying to think things thru and not say or do things that cause him undue concern. Well, it looks like he would know that practically running to the place where this all started w/o hardly a goodbye would, in any reasonable person's mind, make them suspicious, concerned and uneasy. Its just reminicent of how he was before.. he said that part of the reason she could weasle her way in was his passion for his job and his desire to get ahead and how that desire had gotten so far out of hand. That its a job and needs to be treated as such. Today not solid proof of that effort.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> This is just all so flippin' ridiculous! I now have to ASK him to give me a decent goodbye? It just seems like he should/would be more aware of himself and of me. I mean it seriously seemed like he just couldnt wait to just go. Im spending so much time trying to think things thru and not say or do things that cause him undue concern. Well, it looks like he would know that practically running to the place where this all started w/o hardly a goodbye would, in any reasonable person's mind, make them suspicious, concerned and uneasy. Its just reminicent of how he was before..


Men are slow...sorry men...


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> This is just all so flippin' ridiculous! I now have to ASK him to give me a decent goodbye? It just seems like he should/would be more aware of himself and of me. I mean it seriously seemed like he just couldnt wait to just go. Im spending so much time trying to think things thru and not say or do things that cause him undue concern. Well, it looks like he would know that practically running to the place where this all started w/o hardly a goodbye would, in any reasonable person's mind, make them suspicious, concerned and uneasy. Its just reminicent of how he was before.. he said that part of the reason she could weasle her way in was his passion for his job and his desire to get ahead and how that desire had gotten so far out of hand. That its a job and needs to be treated as such. Today not solid proof of that effort.


This is what happens when people do this crap....the paranoia, etc. that comes over the BS is hard to take. I would have reacted the same way as you!

It amazes me that little things that a year ago I wouldn't have even given a thought to now consume me. I hate it!!!!!!

I said to H...I just want to feel normal again!! I envy couples that have never been through infidelity.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

highwood said:


> This is what happens when people do this crap....the paranoia, etc. that comes over the BS is hard to take. I would have reacted the same way as you!
> 
> It amazes me that little things that a year ago I wouldn't have even given a thought to now consume me. I hate it!!!!!!
> 
> I said to H...I just want to feel normal again!! I envy couples that have never been through infidelity.


:iagree::iagree: I'm tired of it today!!! bad day/rainy here/just all BS...

BUT I knew this would be part of the package when I decided to work on R. So thank God for TAM to vent, ask for advice, and see how to cope. Best of luck to you!!!


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

yes. For our whole marriage there has been a ranking as follows

First 10 yrs

1) His mother
2)Me

year 11-13

1)His job
2)His mother
3)Me

Year 14-14 3/4(present)

1)Ow
2)job
3)Mother
4)Me

See where Im goin' here???? Now OW is out and mother has shown her true colors(what Ive always known) and the job is on its way out but still pulling rank on me looks like.

So year 15??

1)?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> This is just all so flippin' ridiculous! I now have to ASK him to give me a decent goodbye? It just seems like he should/would be more aware of himself and of me. I mean it seriously seemed like he just couldnt wait to just go. Im spending so much time trying to think things thru and not say or do things that cause him undue concern. Well, it looks like he would know that practically running to the place where this all started w/o hardly a goodbye would, in any reasonable person's mind, make them suspicious, concerned and uneasy. Its just reminicent of how he was before.. he said that part of the reason she could weasle her way in was his passion for his job and his desire to get ahead and how that desire had gotten so far out of hand. That its a job and needs to be treated as such. Today not solid proof of that effort.


As much as he wants to he can't change that wiring over night - he will occasionally slip into his old SOP (standard operating procedure). That is not to say that he will resume or be part of any inappropriate behavior with OW. Mentioning it to him is not asking him - it's pointing out to him, "hey H, we agreed this was bad and you were going to work on it - you took your eye off the ball this morning and it hurt me a little." 

This is an excellent example of why totally open communication is so vital during reconciliation. Odds are way better than not that he has no idea he hurt you a little this morning. If you don't mention it to him, you'll harbor a little resentment, he'll feel that and wonder what's wrong but he's done so much wrong he'll be afraid to ask and just withdraw a little, his withdrawing a little will lead to you going from a little resentful to a little pissed off, you being pissed off will lead to him wondering if you still want to be married to him, and all of the sudden you're back at square one. All because he forgot to give you a proper goodbye this morning and you don't want to "have" to mention it. 

I know it's a pain in the ass and not ideal, but you've got to talk about these things. Neither of you is operating under ideal mental and emotional circumstances - you're best bet, best defense, and best chances are in talking and communicating. Without accusation and without calling him a dumbass or neglectful point it out to him. Don't ask him to give you a better goodbye, just tell him you'd appreciate more than what you got this morning. Oh - and wait until he's home this evening. You don't want to have reconciliation conversations where his attention is justifiably divided.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

if you dont ask you dont always get

you guys need to change the dynamic of how you interact and handle problems, time to open up and express how you feel

if you tell him and he still is pouty or gets defensive then you have a problem


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> As much as he wants to he can't change that wiring over night - he will occasionally slip into his old SOP (standard operating procedure). That is not to say that he will resume or be part of any inappropriate behavior with OW. Mentioning it to him is not asking him - it's pointing out to him, "hey H, we agreed this was bad and you were going to work on it - you took your eye off the ball this morning and it hurt me a little."
> 
> This is an excellent example of why totally open communication is so vital during reconciliation. Odds are way better than not that he has no idea he hurt you a little this morning. If you don't mention it to him, you'll harbor a little resentment, he'll feel that and wonder what's wrong but he's done so much wrong he'll be afraid to ask and just withdraw a little, his withdrawing a little will lead to you going from a little resentful to a little pissed off, you being pissed off will lead to him wondering if you still want to be married to him, and all of the sudden you're back at square one. All because he forgot to give you a proper goodbye this morning and you don't want to "have" to mention it.
> 
> I know it's a pain in the ass and not ideal, but you've got to talk about these things. Neither of you is operating under ideal mental and emotional circumstances - you're best bet, best defense, and best chances are in talking and communicating. Without accusation and without calling him a dumbass or neglectful point it out to him. Don't ask him to give you a better goodbye, just tell him you'd appreciate more than what you got this morning. Oh - and wait until he's home this evening. You don't want to have reconciliation conversations where his attention is justifiably divided.


I wouldnt(never have)been one to bug him at work much. I only called today b/c he need the info for a meeting. And the texting on my phone isnt working so it would have to wait anyway. He had a meeting w/his boss scheduled today so that was prob the most important thing on his mind for whatever reason. I just dont get keyed up about that kind of thing, he does. Dont know why you would about a job that you are leaving but ok. Its just one of those spots where he had two choices 1)to think about his meeting that was gonna happen in 3 hrs at a job youre leaving or 2) be present in the moment and think about that meeting when you get in the car. You know as well as I do Sig, the JOB (his own admission)is his child. Im just saying I'm tired of taking the backseat to EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. In 15yrs I have never had the #1 seat. I am consistantly an afterthought. I dont know if that will change? Will there always be something else or someone else more important? Its just a thought.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

CTU - I think you both freely admit that there are issues in the marriage that need to be addressed, not that they assign any responsibility to you for his decisions, but I think you both realize there are areas for improvement. You said yourself that reconciliation couldn't really BEGIN until he left that job and we all agree with you. He even offered to walk out if that's what you wanted/needed him to do, so in that offer he was certainly putting you before the job. The two of you collectively agreed that it was best he work out two weeks notice and then really start on R after that - right? So give your H just a little room to do what was agreed on. I understand your frustration - I promise I do - but this is not an overnight process, it's not a sprint. It's a very long marathon - with lots of really high mountains to climb and really low valleys to get through. 

When he finishes his two weeks the dawn is not going to come and shine upon a bright new world in which you H does everything perfectly to meet your needs or progress with R. He's going to take some missteps and so are you. It is a process - not a destination. 

Many people post here to vent, which is great because it lets them blow off some steam without consequence. Just try to be careful that you are venting and not keeping score. Part of being fully committed to R is to not keep score - or to keep it as little as possible.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> I wouldnt(never have)been one to bug him at work much. I only called today b/c he need the info for a meeting. And the texting on my phone isnt working so it would have to wait anyway. He had a meeting w/his boss scheduled today so that was prob the most important thing on his mind for whatever reason. I just dont get keyed up about that kind of thing, he does. Dont know why you would about a job that you are leaving but ok. Its just one of those spots where he had two choices 1)to think about his meeting that was gonna happen in 3 hrs at a job youre leaving or 2) be present in the moment and think about that meeting when you get in the car. You know as well as I do Sig, the JOB (his own admission)is his child. Im just saying I'm tired of taking the backseat to EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. In 15yrs I have never had the #1 seat. I am consistantly an afterthought. I dont know if that will change? Will there always be something else or someone else more important? Its just a thought.


As you said yesterday I think he's just putting his nose to the grindstone and trying to plow through this until its over. I do think you should talk to him about how you feel. You said yesterday that he texted you multiple times to reassure you that he was thinking of you. I also think you said you didn't answer his texts. Maybe he thinks you don't want to acknowledge any of this until its over. Maybe he believes you are shutting down to protect yourself and he doesn't want to do anything to trigger you.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> As you said yesterday I think he's just putting his nose to the grindstone and trying to plow through this until its over. I do think you should talk to him about how you feel. You said yesterday that he texted you multiple times to reassure you that he was thinking of you. I also think you said you didn't answer his texts. Maybe he thinks you don't want to acknowledge any of this until its over. Maybe he believes you are shutting down to protect yourself and he doesn't want to do anything to trigger you.


no. I cant answer b/c my phone isnt working properly. He knows I cant answer. I dont think he is bothered by that. He didnt call or anything at lunch so I dont think he is worried about that. Actually, I think he has trouble even being aware of triggers. He knows what they are, that they exist. He just isnt good at realizing when its happening. I have tried to talk with him about them, he just doesnt really seem to grasp it. Or he does and he just doesnt know what to do so he does nothing. Not sure. For example last night we watched a show and the main characters name was the same as OW. It was driving me nuts! They said it dozens of times. I dont think he even thought about it. And I have told him about that particular trigger b/c its so so common.

Anyway, its just a bad day. I know Sig thinks Im score keeping. Im not. Its about noticing a continuation of a pattern even when its pointed out. He did offer to "just quit and not go back" but listen I know him, he would have resented me for that. That job is his child and leaving it is one thing but leaving it unattended would have created anger and resentment toward me. I know how he is when it comes to his job. So I said for him to finish it out. I would have expected him to do JUST that but I dont think its too much to expect him to be able to focus on both the job and us. he managed when he was focusing on the job and the girlfriend afterall. Like I said, bad day.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> CTU - I think you both freely admit that there are issues in the marriage that need to be addressed, not that they assign any responsibility to you for his decisions, but I think you both realize there are areas for improvement. You said yourself that reconciliation couldn't really BEGIN until he left that job and we all agree with you. He even offered to walk out if that's what you wanted/needed him to do, so in that offer he was certainly putting you before the job. The two of you collectively agreed that it was best he work out two weeks notice and then really start on R after that - right? So give your H just a little room to do what was agreed on. I understand your frustration - I promise I do - but this is not an overnight process, it's not a sprint. It's a very long marathon - with lots of really high mountains to climb and really low valleys to get through.
> 
> When he finishes his two weeks the dawn is not going to come and shine upon a bright new world in which you H does everything perfectly to meet your needs or progress with R. He's going to take some missteps and so are you. It is a process - not a destination.
> 
> Many people post here to vent, which is great because it lets them blow off some steam without consequence. Just try to be careful that you are venting and not keeping score. Part of being fully committed to R is to not keep score - or to keep it as little as possible.


wow sig.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Cant - I am not sure if there is too much to read into here. I know when dealing with H and his workplace affair, in the weeks and months right after NC, there were some days that he acted similar. 

It was usually due to him knowing he would have to deal with her in some way, knew he had to handle her in a way where I didn't get upset about it and keep NC. When he left the house in this mindset he was so focused on not screwing up that he didn't always "say goodbye" in the loving way that he should have during the begining of R. It drove me nuts and made me upset and I started thinking paranoid thoughts thinking he slipped back into her grip! It was never the case, he was just very very very very focused on trying to be the best H he could be to show me that he could be trusted again. I don't know how your H is, but when mine is in that focused mindset (driving, house projects, working at home) I can hardly even talk to him b/c he is just so focused on the task at hand!

So maybe your H just KNOWS that OW will be around today and is just dreading it. His actions this week have shown that he is thinking about you and trying very hard to show you that you are priority. So maybe talk to him about how he left today but try not to grill him. He may just be feeling annoyed having to deal with her and is expecting to get a million and one questions from you about it or expecting you to freak out and just waiting for that to happen.

Try to be confident as much as possible today and not question him too much right when he gets home. Have a nice dinner and maybe try to bring up this morning, just making sure to not sound accusing or upset. Honey instead of vinegar, right?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> wow sig.


?????

Wow - I'm way off base or Wow I'm on point or - just wow??

btw - I don't think you're keeping score - I just think you should be aware of it and be sure yourself that you're not or at least trying not to. Keeping score is a completely normal reaction - we all do it to some degree, but it's almost never productive.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

He is not having to deal with her today. She is not there today. But he is back in HER/HIS world. I am more than likely NOT going to say anything(typical) about it. Since he has been back i have been in virtual non-stop trigger world. So Im not sure Im fit to have a conversation about his job which directly relates to HER. So i was just venting. Im done.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Didn't mean to pee in your Cheerios. We knew these two weeks would be hard, just try to hang on... K??


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

sigma1299 said:


> CTU - I think you both freely admit that there are issues in the marriage that need to be addressed, not that they assign any responsibility to you for his decisions, but I think you both realize there are areas for improvement. You said yourself that reconciliation couldn't really BEGIN until he left that job and we all agree with you. He even offered to walk out if that's what you wanted/needed him to do, so in that offer he was certainly putting you before the job. The two of you collectively agreed that it was best he work out two weeks notice and then really start on R after that - right? So give your H just a little room to do what was agreed on. I understand your frustration - I promise I do - but this is not an overnight process, it's not a sprint. It's a very long marathon - with lots of really high mountains to climb and really low valleys to get through.
> 
> When he finishes his two weeks the dawn is not going to come and shine upon a bright new world in which you H does everything perfectly to meet your needs or progress with R. He's going to take some missteps and so are you. It is a process - not a destination.
> 
> Many people post here to vent, which is great because it lets them blow off some steam without consequence. Just try to be careful that you are venting and not keeping score. Part of being fully committed to R is to not keep score - or to keep it as little as possible.


My guess is that you like getting the mortgage paid, right? You like being able to go to grocery store and buy what you want, right? Maybe a nice vacation every once in awhile?

Where does the money come from to fund all of that? Unless you were fortunate enough to get a nice inheritance, all those good things come from the effort he puts in. 

So, here you have a husband who's probably worried about where his next job is going to come from, how he's going to provide for you over time. He's trying to juggle his effort to maintain a semblance of what remains of his career while doing what he needs to do to keep you happy.

He's made a major mistake with the affair. Granted. He is making major amends. Quitting his job without another in hand is something that would create tremendous stress for anybody who takes their career seriously. He's trying to leave on a high note with his previous employer so that he has a shot at getting another job that can keep your family's lifestyle in tact.

I recognize that you have resentment built up over years of his misplaced priorities. But give the guy a break. You're happy with him as long as he just toes the absolute line. You will engender as much resentment in him for you as you have for him right now. You are dealing with huge amounts of past baggage, I know. But you are not helping build a good foundation for a new era of relationship by on-going need for consoling and re-assurance. 

If you can't accept the sacrifices he's made to try to make amends, you should probably just let him go. He's trying hard, and when he slips you're fit to be tied. If you want to truly help relieve his stress during a very, very difficult time, pitching a fit over not getting "kissed goodbye" is not going to help.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

MarriedTex said:


> My guess is that you like getting the mortgage paid, right? You like being able to go to grocery store and buy what you want, right? Maybe a nice vacation every once in awhile?
> 
> Where does the money come from to fund all of that? Unless you were fortunate enough to get a nice inheritance, all those good things come from the effort he puts in.
> 
> ...


Wow. Im such a B*tch. I should be kissing the ground he walks on. Stupid me.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Now youve confused me AR? ARe you **liking**b/c called myself a B*tch who should be kissing the ground of her cheating H's feet? Or b/c you agree w/Married T or both? ....and PLEASE NO PICTURES!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Now youve confused me AR? ARe you **liking**b/c called myself a B*tch who should be kissing the ground of her cheating H's feet? Or b/c you agree w/Married T or both? ....and PLEASE NO PICTURES!


I liked your attitude towards that post, while I think you need to be more communicative in your needs I do not think you should be bending over backwards for him


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree:


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

We're going to start an :iagree: conga line


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> I liked your attitude towards that post, while I think you need to be more communicative in your needs I do not think you should be bending over backwards for him


I especially love the last paragraph. "If I cant accept HIS sacrifices to make amends, I should just let him go. If he slips Im fit to be tied.If I truly want to relieve HIS stress during this very very difficult time pitching a fit is not going to help". 

2 things here; first I accept that he is sacrificing his job. The one that HE put on the line when HE chose to get involved with the BOSS.
Second, I supposed you(MarriedTex)DIDNT read where I said I probably would NOT say ANYTHING to him and that I only came here to VENT!!!!! 

And last but not least HE HASNT MERELY SLIPPED!!!!! HE HAS RUN HEAD FIRST OFF A CLIFF TAKING ME WITH HIM FOR A DAMNED YEAR!!!!!! AND IM STILL HERE B/C I LOVE HIM. BUT IM ALLOWED TO GET ANGRY. And Just FYI, Tex-I did offer him to go on DDAy and a couple of times since. SO when you say LET him go. IM not KEEPING him here.I am here b/c we are trying. B/c we love each other and he screwed up.


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## better than before (Aug 3, 2011)

Everyone made need a time out this am. Emotions are high and they both have hard days ahead. I think we are all more understanding of the "side" we are aligned with based on our situations. I understand her H's issues, but I understand all CTU is going through more. Her H has to work, but he is the one who had the A. I hated Sigma (my H) suffered, but as he told me he earned it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

better than before said:


> Everyone made need a time out this am. Emotions are high and they both have hard days ahead. I think we are all more understanding of the "side" we are aligned with based on our situations. I understand her H's issues, but I understand all CTU is going through more. Her H has to work, but he is the one who had the A. I hated Sigma (my H) suffered, but as he told me he earned it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Suffering is not always a bad thing if it leads to a good place.

We shall draw from the heart of suffering itself the means of inspiration and survival.
Winston Churchill

All the world is full of suffering. It is also full of overcoming.
Helen Keller

The reward of suffering is experience.
Harry S. Truman


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## better than before (Aug 3, 2011)

MarriedTex said:


> My guess is that you like getting the mortgage paid, right? You like being able to go to grocery store and buy what you want, right? Maybe a nice vacation every once in awhile?
> 
> Where does the money come from to fund all of that? Unless you were fortunate enough to get a nice inheritance, all those good things come from the effort he puts in.
> 
> So, here you have a husband who's probably worried about where his next job is going to come from, how he's going to provide for you over time. He's trying to juggle his effort to maintain a semblance of what remains of his career while doing what he needs to do to keep you happy.


He is the one who has now put his family at risk financially by having A with his boss. She has every right to be mad as hell that he put himself in the position they are all in now. 

This post just made me mad; hit a major nerve. I am a stay-at-home mom too. My H does earn a great living, and I appreciate his efforts everyday. I don't not work, so I can eat bon bons and play; we decided together that I would quit my job and take care of our home and family. We are a team, as they are. He let the team down, so I don't think he deserves a pat on the back for earning the $


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

better than before said:


> He is the one who has now put his family at risk financially by having A with his boss. She has every right to be mad as hell that he put himself in the position they are all in now.
> 
> This post just made me mad; hit a major nerve. I am a stay-at-home mom too. My H does earn a great living, and I appreciate his efforts everyday. I don't not work, so I can eat bon bons and play; we decided together that I would quit my job and take care of our home and family. We are a team, as they are. He let the team down, so I don't think he deserves a pat on the back for earning the $


Amen sister! Like you this really hit a nerve. Yes he does make the money. All the MORE reason to have NOT played with the boss at work! Its no different than if,while he is at work earning the money, I, while at home(and doing my job of kids and the house)I bring the neighbor over for a nice romp in the hay. Should he respect that???Why not? I still got the house clean, the kids are fed, right? So when he's at work after I have this A, would he be rightfully worried about where that neighbor is while he(my H)is at work???? Just askin.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Just to be clear here, folks, I didn't call anybody names. Those were introduced by others. Also, in my post, I acknowledged in several ways that the husband is in the complete wrong here. Obviously, his actions lead to the current situation. There is no excuse for what he has done. 

But, at the risk of being run over by the mob here, let me suggest that the relationship can only advance when forgiveness is present and tangible. Cantrustu gets all mollified when he calls/texts you multiple times a day. Next day, he forgets to kiss you goodbye, and it's a federal offense requiring yet another round of mea culpas from him to return to her good graces.

So, what is the statute of limitations here? Is it a day, a week, a year, a lifetime? How long should he pay for his mistakes in your eyes? If you can't forgive him, I totally understand. I don't think I would be able to forgive him either. 

But if you can't forgive him, you need to acknowledge that and let him go. The guy is doing what he can to repair the relationship after making a very serious mistake. And you're putting him up on the cross every time he falls short of your expectations. You're entitled to these feelings no doubt. But if you hold onto this resentment as tightly as you are, you'll be headed to divorce a couple of years down the line anyway. As much as you resent him now, he'll come to resent you if you continue to treat him in this manner.

So, question you have to ask yourself is this: Do you want to stay married or do you want to punish him for hurting you. If you really want to stay married, a tiny bit of empathy and acknowledgement of his efforts (after a horrendous mistake) would go a long way. Alternatively, if you want to be divorced two years from now, just keep doing what you're doing. You're on a great path!


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

MarriedTex said:


> Just to be clear here, folks, I didn't call anybody names. Those were introduced by others. Also, in my post, I acknowledged in several ways that the husband is in the complete wrong here. Obviously, his actions lead to the current situation. There is no excuse for what he has done.
> 
> But, at the risk of being run over by the mob here, let me suggest that the relationship can only advance when forgiveness is present and tangible. Cantrustu gets all mollified when he calls/texts you multiple times a day. Next day, he forgets to kiss you goodbye, and it's a federal offense requiring yet another round of mea culpas from him to return to her good graces.
> 
> ...


So MarriedTex whats YOUR story? Because clearly you dont know mine if your asking "How long should he pay for his 'mistake" because this is less than 4 mos since Dday. And he still has contact w/her EVERYDAY....And this wasnt a mistake, it was an entire year long worth of a CHOICE. And ONCE again-try to pay attention now-I said I wasnt gonna say anything to HIM. Im allowed to be upset with him. He lied to and deceived me for an entire year. And You are only hearing PART of the story. I wonder if you'd have the same opinion if YOUR wife was screwing around with her boss and still seeing him everyday....?

And finally, If he is gonna divorce me for being moody or sensitive after what I am trying my best to move past then so be it. However, I think he, unlike you perhaps, understands that he brought this on himself.

So out with it.....


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

It takes 2-5 years to heal not that any timeline should be established


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> It takes 2-5 years to heal not that any timeline should be established


What, What.....my 4 months isnt enough???? Damnit AR. AND I dont think a REAL R can start while there is still contact. So technically we are just bidding time. I think we are doing pretty damned well under the circumstances and I'd bet everything we own on still being married in 20 yrs let alone 2! But it wont be smooth sailing for a while. And I havent yet forgiven him. I dont think I can even start with trying until there is NC.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Cant - forgiveness will be on your time line. It is something you do when you are ready.

I was in your same shoes two weekends ago. My wife seemed cold to me and I kept telling her that I will be away from her for 6 days and I was not looking forward to it and I just wanted some extra hugs and she did not give me them. I was not this way in the past and an A does this to both men and women. In some ways we become overly sensitive. This caused an arguement and me leaving for a week not getting filled up physically and emotionally. We talked it through and this past weekend I got everything I needed from my wife. So I do understand what you went through when your husband left that day. I went through the same thing two weeks ago.

It looks like the house deal is falling apart. And I am very disappointed and my wife is crying about it. Not sure what we are going to do, but if it falls through (stupid Veterans Administration), I told my wife we are going to rent a place and be together in a matter of weeks not months.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Thorburn said:


> Cant - forgiveness will be on your time line. It is something you do when you are ready.
> 
> I was in your same shoes two weekends ago. My wife seemed cold to me and I kept telling her that I will be away from her for 6 days and I was not looking forward to it and I just wanted some extra hugs and she did not give me them. I was not this way in the past and an A does this to both men and women. In some ways we become overly sensitive. This caused an arguement and me leaving for a week not getting filled up physically and emotionally. We talked it through and this past weekend I got everything I needed from my wife. So I do understand what you went through when your husband left that day. I went through the same thing two weeks ago.
> 
> It looks like the house deal is falling apart. And I am very disappointed and my wife is crying about it. Not sure what we are going to do, but if it falls through (stupid Veterans Administration), I told my wife we are going to rent a place and be together in a matter of weeks not months.


I didn't like your post because of the house deal falling apart (I'm so sorry btw) but that you and your wife will soon be together.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Hang in there Thor. Try and find ANY way to be with your wife. If my H can quit his job you can find a place to live with your W, right. I know you will be so much happier when you are with her full time just like I will be when he is not with HER at all. Its GONNA happen for BOTH of us Thor. Keep the faith.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

I don't want to jinx this but has anyone noticed a lot of successful or at least potentially successful reconciliations happening lately?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> I don't want to jinx this but has anyone noticed a lot of successful or at least potentially successful reconciliations happening lately?


Yes I have. I am pro-marriage and pro-R so I have a prejudice in this regards. I have personally seen the worst marriages reconcile when there was no hope at all. I, even when I lack faith, see God work in ways that we will never understand. Of course I have seen things that puzzle me beyond my comprehension and wonder where God is in those moments.

I will say this regardless of anyone's religious or non-religious worldview. Most marriages can be repaired. It can happen with or without any type of religious orientation. It can happen with or without professional involvement (me included). 

There is serious fall out whether we try R or D. Some will testify here that R has been wonderful and that it has been 5, 10, or 20 years and things are working. Others will say I am D and it is a living hell, I am on this drug or that one, I can never trust again, etc. Or some try R and find out months or years later that they are back where they started or found out that their WS lied 10 years ago and they have had it and file for D.

There is no one right path or answer when it comes to R or D. In my view R is the best path in any endeavor. But that is my drunken, angry, out of control opinion.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Thorburn said:


> Yes I have. I am pro-marriage and pro-R so I have a prejudice in this regards. I have personally seen the worst marriages reconcile when there was no hope at all. I, even when I lack faith, see God work in ways that we will never understand. Of course I have seen things that puzzle me beyond my comprehension and wonder where God is in those moments.
> 
> I will say this regardless of anyone's religious or non-religious worldview. Most marriages can be repaired. It can happen with or without any type of religious orientation. It can happen with or without professional involvement (me included).
> 
> ...


Well it will come as no surprise that I am definitely pro R. I really do think most marriages can be saved as long as both parties want to try.


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## better than before (Aug 3, 2011)

I think they can be saved and even thrive, but I've always been a glass half full girl.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

.......ITS ALMOST THE WEEKEND!!!!!!!!!! WE SURVIVED. 2 DAYS TO GO. 

On Monday I will start the day with vodka and OJ for breakfast. The breakfast of champions!


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> .......ITS ALMOST THE WEEKEND!!!!!!!!!! WE SURVIVED. 2 DAYS TO GO.
> 
> On Monday I will start the day with vodka and OJ for breakfast. The breakfast of champions!


Cant - omg. I just don't get you. Really, why water down good vodka with OJ. Skip the OJ.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Oh, ok. By Monday I just may be convinced to do just that. So if I am on here then and I seem incoherent.......


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

What? Are you saying you might do the chicken dance for us on Monday?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Heading home for the weekend. Hope I don't trigger too much. Have to past the bar parking lot where she picked OM up near his house, then drive by his house and the two hotels they had sex. I need some Vodka but then again that is not a good idea.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Do your best to think about your weekend and focus on what you want to do when you see her.

The man in me(lol) says you can do it!


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

canttrustu said:


> The man in me(lol) says you can do it!


If you can type with a man in you, you're doing it wrong. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> If you can type with a man in you, you're doing it wrong.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


AWESOME!!!! :smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

WhereAmI said:


> If you can type with a man in you, you're doing it wrong.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thats hilarious AND very true! 


I say that b/c Thor says I am the female version of himself....not too sure about that but I do see some similarities in our reaction to our spouses betrayals. And.....its not the first time I've been accused of thinking like a man in some ways. It has its good and bad points I suppose.

On another note- Im gonna make this a GREAT weekend for my H so Im whats on his mind come Monday!!!!!


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> On another note- Im gonna make this a GREAT weekend for my H so Im whats on his mind come Monday!!!!!


Awesome!


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> Awesome!


Perhaps I could render him incapable of walking into work.....:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Good plan!!! Give him something to remember on Monday!!! Hope y'all are having a great weekend.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Perhaps I could render him incapable of walking into work.....:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::smthumbup::smthumbup:


If you do this you'd better PM Morrigan and let her know your secret! I want to be "punished" like this.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> If you do this you'd better PM Morrigan and let her know your secret! I want to be "punished" like this.


Oh you can remove the "if" Sir Beo......Nothing like some soreness to 'remind' him where he belongs....

Sorry, I am misbehaving so much here the last couple of days.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Oh you can remove the "if" Sir Beo......Nothing like some soreness to 'remind' him where he belongs....
> 
> Sorry, I am misbehaving so much here the last couple of days.


No. Please continue. Don't let us distract you from this extremely important task.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

AND.....we are NOT off to a good start. So today OW is back in the office next to him. And so I thought I'll bet she has bombarded his email already. Thought I'd check because I am printing them out if she is even a little less that professional.....um, his email is locked(password changed I guess) now. That just doesnt look good at all. Lets hope I hear from him soon, right. How's that for a coincidence??? NOT.

Please tell me HR did this and not him. Surely he doesnt take me for this stupid. He's been there long enough to know that there is a problem....


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

nope not at all, he's likely deleting stuff


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Well its working now. So now Im awake for sure. Im gonna put it in the back of my mind and see what happens the rest of the day and tomorrow. This is not a good start at all.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

how certain are you that you were using the correct password?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

if he were to be having secret convos I doubt he would be using email if she's in the next office


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

right. But even during the whole A their email was lit up like the 4th of July w/ the total BS they were feeding each other. And youre right, he knows I can see that now, but there are things he DOESNT know. I have learned alot in these past few months. If he is 'hanging' with her, I'll know. I will never blindly trust him again. So believe me when I say - I have my eyes WIDE open.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Two days CTU - two days. Just hang on.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

The email thing was not his fault. In his email there is an 'incident' report. He went thru the help desk on his bb to get it fixed. He did nothing wrong. Though I do suspecta certain OTHER person who would want to limit my access to his email.......she knows Ive seen the back and forth between them. It just no coincidence that she is back and things go a little nutty right off the bat. BUT the important thing-------he didnt do it. And he told me asap when he knew something was wrong. I do think he's on the up and up but Im still VERY cautious as anyone in their right mind would be.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

good to hear, now go and slash her tires


(kidding!!)


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> how certain are you that you were using the correct password?


positive.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> positive.


well now you have the explanation, as it did seem weird that he would do that on purpose considering the ease of communication by other means


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> well now you have the explanation, as it did seem weird that he would do that on purpose considering the ease of communication by other means


But she would if she trusted him but not me, right? Silly girl. She should have stuck to other womens husbands....as she has in the past. And yes, the ease of communication is not a comfortable position for me to say the least.

I would say its gotta be similar to being drawn and quartered.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> But she would if she trusted him but not me, right? Silly girl. She should have stuck to other womens husbands....as she has in the past. And yes, the ease of communication is not a comfortable position for me to say the least.
> 
> I would say its gotta be similar to being drawn and quartered.


I gotta say...I hope one day Karma bites her big time in her ugly ass!!!!


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## better than before (Aug 3, 2011)

I so believe the Karma bus rolls for all who deserve it!! Good luck today- seems like despite the rough start you are working through it together!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

For the first time EVER, he spent his entire lunch hour on the phone with me. He has never done that. I see it as him bending over backward to reassure me and to say "Im not with her even when I could be. Im talking to you instead." In other words you guys; I got to be number 1 today!!!!! Its good to feel his effort again. Yesterday I got a card and flowers. so despite our rough start(which I am convinced he had nothing to do with) Now I need to think of something nice to do for him. Something that says " I noticed your effort today and I love you for it". I am making a really nice dinner and have made sure the house is **** and span. But Im coming up empty on what I can do for just that little something extra to keep him focused on home.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> For the first time EVER, he spent his entire lunch hour on the phone with me. He has never done that. I see it as him bending over backward to reassure me and to say "Im not with her even when I could be. Im talking to you instead." In other words you guys; I got to be number 1 today!!!!! Its good to feel his effort again. Yesterday I got a card and flowers. so despite our rough start(which I am convinced he had nothing to do with) Now I need to think of something nice to do for him. Something that says " I noticed your effort today and I love you for it". I am making a really nice dinner and have made sure the house is **** and span. But Im coming up empty on what I can do for just that little something extra to keep him focused on home.


A special kiss in a special place out of the blue on the couch while watching tv tonight....???

:biggrinangelA:


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> For the first time EVER, he spent his entire lunch hour on the phone with me. He has never done that. I see it as him bending over backward to reassure me and to say "Im not with her even when I could be. Im talking to you instead." In other words you guys; I got to be number 1 today!!!!! Its good to feel his effort again. Yesterday I got a card and flowers. so despite our rough start(which I am convinced he had nothing to do with) Now I need to think of something nice to do for him. Something that says " I noticed your effort today and I love you for it". I am making a really nice dinner and have made sure the house is **** and span. But Im coming up empty on what I can do for just that little something extra to keep him focused on home.


Wow...good for the both of you!!! hmm the little something extra...let your imagination loose...serve him dinner in something sexy....ya know like crock pot


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

vi_bride04 said:


> A special kiss in a special place out of the blue on the couch while watching tv tonight....???
> 
> :biggrinangelA:


eh, think harder. I'd do that normally.

Im counting on you guys to be able to think straight today.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

strugglinghusband said:


> Wow...good for the both of you!!! hmm the little something extra...let your imagination loose...serve him dinner in something sexy....ya know like crock pot


Weve eaten dinner naked before so keep thinking.:scratchhead:


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

you're too kinky for me to be of any value


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Weve eaten dinner naked before so keep thinking.:scratchhead:


Eat dessert off of each other bodies? (make him his favorite)


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> you're too kinky for me to be of any value


oh PLEASE AR!! Ive read your stuff, what you just said-not true dear Turtle Man.

But I wasnt necessarily talking about the sex thing. Though Im not opposed to suggestions there either.:smthumbup: I was just talking about a 'pick me up' after what Im sure was a stressful day for him. I just appreciate his effort and want to express that but w/o words maybe or maybe in addition to words. I guess I mean Just saying something isnt nearly as good as showing it.

Guess what my love language is......


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

strugglinghusband said:


> Eat dessert off of each other bodies? (make him his favorite)


SH- I said I wanted to do something nice. Forcing the poor man to eat dessert off me???? I said I wanted him to WANT to be here not to make him throw up.:rofl: JK. You cant be sure thats a reward for him-I could look like 'Ugly Betty', you dont know.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

I think by doing what you have planned and telling him your thoughts on it, may be more than enough? ....BTW..your post is the best thing I've heard all day...:smthumbup:


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## better than before (Aug 3, 2011)

I drove to work and put a really sweet card in his car not long after our R began- said he was surprised; sure he would agree hot sex is better 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

05. Breaking Dawn Soundtrack - From Now On ( The Features ) - YouTube

This time tomorrow you will be able to HEAR ME singing this thru the board!!!!!!


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

Yay CTU....I've been thinking of you all day!!! I was unable to be on here today until now! Sounds like you are going to have an AMAZING evening. I'm so proud of him for lunchtime with YOU 

So tonight, special for him if you don't want sex (well you know what I mean-hehe), does he a favorite path or park to walk in, or movie place, or ice cream shop?? You can take him too?? Ha SEX does trump everything tho...but that's a given under these circumstances!!!

Good Luck!! YAY AGAIN so I am happy this whole crap is about to end for ya'll....


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

I think I can... I think I can.....One more day. No more of that damned blackberry w/her name all over it, no more emails with her name, no more demanding phone calls. Goodbye OW!!!!!! Just a few more hours.....


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

how does he have off until he starts the new job (I forget if he has one lined up already)


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> how does he have off until he starts the new job (I forget if he has one lined up already)


He does have some contract work lined up but nothing permanant.
First he has to have surgery tomorrow. Its been a helluv a year I tell ya.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> I think I can... I think I can.....One more day. No more of that damned blackberry w/her name all over it, no more emails with her name, no more demanding phone calls. Goodbye OW!!!!!! Just a few more hours.....


(Kiss lyrics)
Just a few more hours
And I'll be right home to you
I think I hear them callin'
Oh, canttrsutu what can I do? Cantrustru what can I do?


You and your hubby have inspired me, there will stumbling blocks along the way,the both of you are committed to your marriage...remember its a marathon, not a sprint, in the end you will have reached the finish line together.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

She has inspired me as well...to have to deal with him seeing that person at work every day...that would have thrown me in the loony bin. At least with H's EA she was across the ocean with no chance of them seeing each other in person.

I am so envious of couples that do not have infidelity in their past to overcome..because it is so hard and difficult to get thru at times. It just throws a wrench into everything you knew as a couple.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Thats so funny. When I typed that I was singing that song! Great minds....

And thanks for the kind words SH and Highwood. Im not sure Im deserving. This has been and continues to be THE hardest thing Ive ever been through. I have lost a parent and a brother-this is worse because He CHOSE to inflict this. Because as you say, Highwood, it leaves you to question everything you thought you knew as a couple. 

He is getting out of there so no more seeing OW. Im hoping that will help with the nightmares and triggers some. And it will allow him to fully reengage with me. I hope to be able to start the process of forgiving him. Until now, I have been just getting by and hoping that the 'other shoe' wouldnt drop so to speak. Now, if he asks, I hope soon to be able to grant him forgiveness and start putting our marriage back together. I know it will be different. I guess it needs to be. I love him but I dont know if I will ever love him as much. I respect him but I dont know if I will ever respect him as much as I did before all of this. I need him but not as much as I did before. I dont know if this is how it will be or if this is just how it is for now. Its sad. I now know that I can never fully and blindly trust him. I think he knows in his head what he has done and he has his own pain from that but I dont think a WS can ever fully digest the severity of the injury they have inflicted. I can see him trying to understand how I feel and intellectually he does, but emotionally he(and I suspect all WS) dont have the ability to really FEEL the true agony within us. I have learned alot of things from this so far. But 2 things stand out. The first is, I gave too much. I gave more than I could afford to lose and that wont be repeated. The second is, I love him way more than even I knew. I hope he can feel that.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Thats so funny. When I typed that I was singing that song! Great minds....
> 
> And thanks for the kind words SH and Highwood. Im not sure Im deserving. This has been and continues to be THE hardest thing Ive ever been through. I have lost a parent and a brother-this is worse because He CHOSE to inflict this. Because as you say, Highwood, it leaves you to question everything you thought you knew as a couple.
> 
> He is getting out of there so no more seeing OW. Im hoping that will help with the nightmares and triggers some. And it will allow him to fully reengage with me. I hope to be able to start the process of forgiving him. Until now, I have been just getting by and hoping that the 'other shoe' wouldnt drop so to speak. Now, if he asks, I hope soon to be able to grant him forgiveness and start putting our marriage back together. I know it will be different. I guess it needs to be. I love him but I dont know if I will ever love him as much. I respect him but I dont know if I will ever respect him as much as I did before all of this. I need him but not as much as I did before. I dont know if this is how it will be or if this is just how it is for now. Its sad. I now know that I can never fully and blindly trust him. I think he knows in his head what he has done and he has his own pain from that but I dont think a WS can ever fully digest the severity of the injury they have inflicted. I can see him trying to understand how I feel and intellectually he does, but emotionally he(and I suspect all WS) dont have the ability to really FEEL the true agony within us. I have learned alot of things from this so far. But 2 things stand out. The first is, I gave too much. I gave more than I could afford to lose and that wont be repeated. The second is, I love him way more than even I knew. I hope he can feel that.






As soon as I read those words that song popped into my head...ahhh yes great minds 

The underlined is why you are going to try...I said it before in another post, I will never ever put someone upon a pedestal again...not so much for my own protection so to speak, the only ones we should hold up so high or oursleves...as for the loving him as much etc, for me with my wife I dont think its a matter of will I ever love her as much, I know it can be a different, completely new kind of love...(dont know if that makes sense or not)


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

It absolutely does question everything you knew and were familiar with...

Just 3 months before I discovered H's EA last September, I was talking with my sister, who was going thru some marital difficuties herself and I remember saying to her...if H ever cheated on me it would devestate me because I trust him implicitely...no questions asked. Little did I know at the time overseas he was beginning his EA...

To go from trusting someone to doubting them is a terrible feeling. Like you said until it happens to you..you can't imagine it. I think that our H's just want it to go away and for us to never think about it again...not so easy!

I have told H to think about how he would feel if he was off working his ass off in another country which he has done so often thru the years and he discovered that I was hanging out with some other guy...he had to admit that it would have driven him crazy and I suspect that our relationship probably would have been over...because he couldn't have handled all of the feelings/anger, jealousy, misttrust, etc.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

....just a few more hours...


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

strugglinghusband said:


> [/U]
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Exactly....I have been with this person for 24 years...to me we are destinated to be together...we still have a certain chemistry between us...which I find exciting especially after 24 years.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

I thought I heard someone streching out a cats neck, so it was you singing...hell all of my windows blew out


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Can you guys HEAR me singing??????

'From now on.....it will be, you and me....
from now on.....

and of course..

Just a few more hours and I'll be right home to you
Just a few more hours, oh CTU, what can I do.....


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

He is on his way home!!!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)




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## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

:smthumbup:
:toast:
:bounce:


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## FormerNiceGuy (Feb 13, 2012)

I have been on a nineteen year (15 married) journey with an amazing woman. Your post touched me in a number of ways and I wanted to share a couple of things that I have learned.




canttrustu said:


> I know it will be different. I guess it needs to be.


Great observation.



canttrustu said:


> I love him but I dont know if I will ever love him as much.


I think you will be capable, if you choose, of loving him more.



canttrustu said:


> I respect him but I dont know if I will ever respect him as much as I did before all of this.


If he takes takes the opportunity to grow from this crisis, then he could come out of this situation a person truly deserving of your respect. 



canttrustu said:


> I need him but not as much as I did before. I dont know if this is how it will be or if this is just how it is for now. Its sad.


I believe you will find great joy in embracing your strength, courage and ability to stand on your own. You just demonstrated great courage in the face of tremendous difficulty.

I don't need my wife, but I love her profoundly. She would say the same thing. 

"Need" is a smothering state that stands in the way of real intimacy.



canttrustu said:


> I now know that I can never fully and blindly trust him.


You risked by loving your husband and he betrayed you. You survived. I know you would never want to experience that betrayal again, but you now know you can handle it.

This risk is the price of true intimacy.



canttrustu said:


> I think he knows in his head what he has done and he has his own pain from that but I dont think a WS can ever fully digest the severity of the injury they have inflicted.


I understand this comment. I have experienced a number of profound losses. Each of them has caused an awakening of some dormant part of myself for which I am thankful.



canttrustu said:


> I have learned alot of things from this so far. But 2 things stand out. The first is, I gave too much. I gave more than I could afford to lose and that wont be repeated. The second is, I love him way more than even I knew. I hope he can feel that.


When you say you gave too much, I don't understand. You survived the loss - so maybe you could in fact afford to lose it.

I would encourage you to write down (for yourself) all the things you love about your husband. When you are done, look at the list and check off the items that describe you. Make another list of the things you think you lack and then work on yourself to make those characteristics a part of you too. True intimacy starts by being intimate with oneself.

Good luck.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Thanks to everyone that hung in there with my whiney a$$ those last weeks of him working w/her. Especially Monday and Tuesday. You guys were life savers. He had his surgery on Wednesday. Had a pretty rough time. Poor guy. Now soon it will be time to start with the R process. Its gonna be different b/c I have been keeping so much in for so long that letting it out scares me. I have fear, anger, resentment and the pure pain of betrayal all wrapped up with a pretty bow on it. Im afraid of unwrapping it. Since DDay its been about dealing with the job, her and the surgery. Now its about dealing with us. I have so many questions but Im not sure I want the answers. Some things I have the answers but I have questions about the answers, if that makes sense. Ive just been functioning by compartmentalizing alot. Now i have to open myself to him and that gives me anxiety b/c it requires me to trust him with my emotions. Something I am struggling with is trusting him with anything, let alone my very neatly wrapped emotional state.

Does this make sense or am I being crazy? I have spent so long protecting myself from...him. Now the circumstances require me to let go of a certain amount of that self preservation. It scares me.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

you do need to unload, but you should unload in a "safe way". I suggest having time set aside each day for a set time period to talk about it. Set rules that while you will get emotional with each other that each other must try not to get defensive and be extremely honest with each other. Use lots of "I feel that" and "When you do x I feel" and "I believe that" etc


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

FormerNiceGuy said:


> I have been on a nineteen year (15 married) journey with an amazing woman. Your post touched me in a number of ways and I wanted to share a couple of things that I have learned.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


FormerNG, Thanks for your comments. I agree with most of what you have said and what is left I dont 'disagree' with, I just dont know yet.

You asked what I gave that I couldnt afford to lose-what I meant was I built my self, my life around him too much. I realized, thru this, the power he has to 'take me down' if he so chooses. He did choose to do so. So what I meant is that I shouldnt have allowed him such access. Im not by nature a trusting person(cantrustu). So I let myself trust him, even when there was evidence that he was not deserving of that trust. I did not insulate myself enough from the blow. In other areas of my life, I hold a certain part of me out from other people. It started when I was very young. Until him, it kept me from feeling too much. He came along, and I let go of that need to keep a part of me out from him. That was an error. Now I am struggling to put one foot in front of another just as I did when I was a kid. So thats what I meant. I am back to the nightmares and misery of yesteryear. All b/c i didnt insulate myself enough.

Im not saying I shouldnt have trusted him at all, Im saying I trusted him blindly even when there was evidence to the contrary. In other words I knew(suspected) he was carrying a gun so I responded by removing my bullet proof vest.(duh)


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> you do need to unload, but you should unload in a "safe way". I suggest having time set aside each day for a set time period to talk about it. Set rules that while you will get emotional with each other that each other must try not to get defensive and be extremely honest with each other. Use lots of "I feel that" and "When you do x I feel" and "I believe that" etc


AAAHHHH....the dreaded "I feel" statements. Youre killin me AR.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> AAAHHHH....the dreaded "I feel" statements. Youre killin me AR.


well I knows its touchy feely 70's BS, but it works for diffusing the emotions. It helps to understand each other as well


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## FormerNiceGuy (Feb 13, 2012)

This is a fresh wound and you are doing great.

A couple of thoughts to ponder -



canttrustu said:


> I built my self, my life around him too much. I realized, thru this, the power he has to 'take me down' if he so chooses. He did choose to do so.


He didn't take you down. You are here and stronger than ever. I make up you have new found respect for your own strength as a result of this experience.



canttrustu said:


> So what I meant is that I shouldnt have allowed him such access. Im not by nature a trusting person(cantrustu).


I would ask - How much does Canttrustu trust herself?



canttrustu said:


> So I let myself trust him, even when there was evidence that he was not deserving of that trust.


I think this relates to trusting yourself.



canttrustu said:


> I did not insulate myself enough from the blow........Until him, it kept me from feeling too much.


This is why poets and songwriters write so much about love. It is a paradox - you have to risk greatly to love. When you start by loving yourself, though, you find the courage to face the risk and the strength to deal with a loss.



canttrustu said:


> I am back to the nightmares and misery of yesteryear. All b/c i didnt insulate myself enough.


I have a book recommendation for you. I think the audiobook is easier to digest (and cheaper). Try "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

FormerNiceGuy said:


> This is a fresh wound and you are doing great.
> 
> A couple of thoughts to ponder -
> 
> ...


Wow. You do cut to the chase. Your question "how much do I trust myself"- answer: Actually, I do trust myself. I did survive. I would again. I dont want to but no one ever WANTS to, right? The only thing that I am sure is real right now is that come what may I will be ok. It will take a while, it will suck. I will be ok. I trust myself to get thru it. I trusted my instincts when I first suspected him. I was right. I trust myself to be able to push thru this with or without him. I want it to be with him. Time will tell there.

And, you're right. He didnt take me down, just made me stagger, I guess. I am stronger today than yesterday. Than last week or last month. I will be stronger tomorrow. However, I have a tendancy to bury things that are painful. You know-put a bow on it and tuck it away. Deal with it in my own head but rarely out of my mouth. So when posting today, its an effort to do it differently this time. I know if I just put this away, so to speak, we wont survive. He is trying really hard. Im just having a hard time letting him in b/c I have spent several months just coping and not really solving. Now, its solve time. Im saying Im finding it difficult to open up to the person that brought me here on the one hand, while I know its necessary so as not to remain in this hell.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

You, whiney? No way, Jose. You have been perfect. Lol. Have a good weekend. Mine is going to suck as I just found out 20 minutes ago (unless things change) that I will be on the road from 4:30 till sometime pass 1 A.M. tonight and will not be home till around 2 A.M. This has nothing to do with my wife but another family member and I just wanted to get home and relax tonight.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Thank you Thor.....

Maybe the next timemad I will react better.

Have a safe trip. MAKE it a good weekend w/her.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

So as I've said, this is gonna be a tough summer and fall trigger wise b/c i know exactly what he was doing this time last year. I've been triggering alot today. Doing my best to keep it to myself and not ruin the day(my kids put in alot of effort). I cant help but have my mind going back to last year when he gave me my card(about how I am the best wife and mom in the world)and the NEXT DAY he was in there all over HER. So this year when I got my card, OH MAN! It hit me like crazy out of nowhere what he did a year ago tomorrow after telling me I was the BEST wife ever....

This year he made my card. It was sweet. He took alot of time in doing it so I did everything I could to hide my emotions about the triggering. I dont know if I want to tell him about it or just move on. This is gonna happen alot I have a feeling. I just dont want to ruin everything with this.

Opinions??


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Hi Cant
My H and i are in R as well and we are doing good, one of the things i also battle with is to whether or not to tell him EVERY time i trigger or have mind movies. I also have questions that i dont really want to know the answer to! Does that make sense? If i find that the trigger or mind movie is really affecting my mood or the way i interact with H then i do bring it up but otherwise I am trying to get through it in my own, as i feel that i need to be moving forward now and not bringing the A up all the time. Dont get me wrong, when i do bring it up H is great, very patient and reasurung. Sometimes i dont tell him what is bothering me i just tell him i need some extra special cuddles or some extra attention and he always obliges. We kind of have a secret code for when im feeling vulnerable and this works well for us.

Thinking of you and hoping that your R is going well
x


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I think you have to learn to "self soothe" yourself at times. I know in MC the counsellor told me that it is not healthy to vent all the time and you have to learn to soothe yourself. 

I can relate to what you all are saying..I find that for me I want to vent when I feel triggers coming on...

Sometimes it doesn't even have to be anything specific..I can be doing something and all of a sudden I will remember what he/she said in an email. THen those anxious angry feelings come to me and I just want to explode but apparaently that is not healthy to do....


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## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

I sure hope it all works out for you.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

My MC said that when the heat and anxiety flush over me to just tell him it's happening and to hopefully receive comfort from him. Not to dwell on the "what you did wrong" topic and have a long discussion, but just to let him know it's occurring. 

That is where I screw up! I can't just not say "hey H anxiety is happening-hold me" and NOT discuss the past or what is causing the trigger. I am not allowed to remind him I'm like this because of his actions and now "I'm" the emotional messed up one??? 

Soooo the only way, for me, is to not say anything at all. Maybe that is the self soothe your MC is referring too Highwood?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Oh thats just it-I NEVER explode about it. I rarely talk about triggers. Usually I just stuff them down, go to another room and breathe it away. We have been talking alot about what is expected going forward. What is/isnt ok with other people(boundaries). I do breathe much better knowing SHE is out of my life. I hope it stays that way. She has NO way to contact him. NO fb, no email, no phone number so IF they were to get back in contact it would have to be him making that first move. Then THAT would be a death sentence for our marriage. On that point, I have been very clear. He is talking ALOT. About things he's never talked about. He is starting to smile again. He is very handsome. Last night we had a date. I could FEEL him. He was ALL present. It was a good day/night. I know the bad stuff(roller coaster)will come again(sigh). But today is a good day so far too. So I am just trying to take one day at a time.
He had his surgery. He is still sore but he is starting to recover well and when he was in the operating room-he had heart trouble. Bad heart trouble. It scared the life out of me. I kept thinking "no, no we havent had time to work this out. Please God, give us the time" After it was over and he was straight out of surgery and first waking up, his nurse asked what he needed, his answer- "my wife". So I know we have the kind of love that can make it thru this. Its just gonna be a bumpy ride.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Ingalls, no he meant more activities..i.e. exercising, talking with someone else about something different, etc. etc.

Easier said than done....I have been at the gym working out and find myself thinking about what H has done and then getting madder and madder. So so much for exercise..lol!

I think for me I am going to try and reverse my thinking instead..so when I think about what H has done I will start to think about the state of our marriage prior and how I contributed to it. HOpefully that will diffuse the anger somewhat..


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

highwood said:


> Ingalls, no he meant more activities..i.e. exercising, talking with someone else about something different, etc. etc.
> 
> Easier said than done....I have been at the gym working out and find myself thinking about what H has done and then getting madder and madder. So so much for exercise..lol!
> 
> I think for me I am going to try and reverse my thinking instead..so when I think about what H has done I will start to think about the state of our marriage prior and how I contributed to it. HOpefully that will diffuse the anger somewhat..


Oh ICIC! Ha. I always misinterpret things! I was running and i too would start getting angrier. I still would run but injured myself but recovering so i think being angry and at least being healthy is better than angry and unhealthy! Just need to get over the anger!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Ingalls said:


> Oh ICIC! Ha. I always misinterpret things! I was running and i too would start getting angrier. I still would run but injured myself but recovering so i think being angry and at least being healthy is better than angry and unhealthy! Just need to get over the anger!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know for me the anger is hard..because I want to vent/berate him etc.

Plus the trust issue as well..although the MC told H that it was going to take a long long time for that to improve.

H told me for 6 months that nothing was going on after DD#1 and I believed him only to discover about a month ago that he had been keeping in contact wiht OW. That was a huge mistake on his part...I showed him a book on the weekend where it said that if you basically lie and say no contact is occuring but there is..that is very very detrimental to recover and will cause a huge set back. THought that was good for him to read in print...plus it sets back trust even further than initial discovery.

So he pretty much ****ed himself up....


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

...and now I am getting angry again..I think he is the one that did this to me and I am supposed to walk around and soothe myself so I do not say nothing to him. I don't know if I like that..

Right now I am thinking about all the lies, etc. that he told for months and it pisses me off. These are the times when I feel like telling him to **** off. Sorry I just had to vent!


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

highwood said:


> ...and now I am getting angry again..I think he is the one that did this to me and I am supposed to walk around and soothe myself so I do not say nothing to him. I don't know if I like that..
> 
> Right now I am thinking about all the lies, etc. that he told for months and it pisses me off. These are the times when I feel like telling him to **** off. Sorry I just had to vent!


Ooh then I'm not a good person to be talking too...I'm angry too. Venting is good tho. I'm finding myself bitter or maybe confused on why it's twisted like this. I didn't do the wrong thing, yet I'm the one freaking messed up on the inside. I was SO GOOD 2 weeks ago. I was on top of the world and feeling great. Then boom I'm hit with a ton of weight. I trusted my H and I said to the MC that I was doing great and finally at the point of "YES THIS WILL WORK and I ACTUALLY WANT TO BE TOGETHER FOR EVER" and he messes up again (not a big way-but big enough for me) bc he crossed boundaries and has yet to apologize and/or acknowledge. 

I was SO mad when he didn't come home until 2:30 AM drunk from the bars. Then bc I can't do anything "dealing" right now I act like a stupid person and shop shop shop saturday morning and he hasn't said a word about it nor complained (not like him at all). BC he knows he did wrong, but I did wrong too now, and the issue will never be resolved. I'm screwed! I triggered SO bad waiting on him. 

Then Sunday he is acting like nothing has happened. So I took the foot and back rub (moms day). But I'm bitter.

Now I'M venting...and stealing canttrustu's thread. (sorry)


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Ingalls said:


> Ooh then I'm not a good person to be talking too...I'm angry too. Venting is good tho. I'm finding myself bitter or maybe confused on why it's twisted like this. I didn't do the wrong thing, yet I'm the one freaking messed up on the inside. I was SO GOOD 2 weeks ago. I was on top of the world and feeling great. Then boom I'm hit with a ton of weight. I trusted my H and I said to the MC that I was doing great and finally at the point of "YES THIS WILL WORK and I ACTUALLY WANT TO BE TOGETHER FOR EVER" and he messes up again (not a big way-but big enough for me) bc he crossed boundaries and has yet to apologize and/or acknowledge.
> 
> I was SO mad when he didn't come home until 2:30 AM drunk from the bars. Then bc I can't do anything "dealing" right now I act like a stupid person and shop shop shop saturday morning and he hasn't said a word about it nor complained (not like him at all). BC he knows he did wrong, but I did wrong too now, and the issue will never be resolved. I'm screwed! I triggered SO bad waiting on him.
> 
> ...


I dont mind at all Ingalls. I'd be p*ssed if I were you too. Did you get my PM? I have an idea-go out and stay out til 3 am. Say nothing when you come home.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Sometimes they need a taste of their own medicine!

I have said to H..how would you feel if I was doing what you were doing with another guy..and he can't say much because I could see his jaw tighten because he and I know it would drive him nuts. I have often fantasized about revenge..and seeing how he would take it.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> I dont mind at all Ingalls. I'd be p*ssed if I were you too. Did you get my PM? I have an idea-go out and stay out til 3 am. Say nothing when you come home.


CTU I didn't get it? trust me I'm thinking about it...what kills me is that during all this time we have family, kids, constant stuff going on and he and everyone is justifying it. My sister texted me that her H (the brother in law) NEEDED his guy night. BUT my H knows we agreed on no bars alone without the other. Oh so my son was there too and that makes this an exception in his mind. ***well I'm guessing since neither of us has discussed it. His mom and dad will be her in a day and so this will wait until the leave in one week. They have no idea what has gone on between us and my H would never THINK of telling his family.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

highwood said:


> Sometimes they need a taste of their own medicine!
> 
> I have said to H..how would you feel if I was doing what you were doing with another guy..and he can't say much because I could see his jaw tighten because he and I know it would drive him nuts. I have often fantasized about revenge..and seeing how he would take it.


Me too...I have asked H same Q and he said he wouldn't like it. Well-HELLO!


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Ingalls said:


> CTU I didn't get it? trust me I'm thinking about it...what kills me is that during all this time we have family, kids, constant stuff going on and he and everyone is justifying it. My sister texted me that her H (the brother in law) NEEDED his guy night. BUT my H knows we agreed on no bars alone without the other. Oh so my son was there too and that makes this an exception in his mind. ***well I'm guessing since neither of us has discussed it. His mom and dad will be her in a day and so this will wait until the leave in one week. They have no idea what has gone on between us and my H would never THINK of telling his family.


have you thought about asking him to tell his family? Take down some of the bravado????


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> have you thought about asking him to tell his family? Take down some of the bravado????


I haven't...but he wouldn't. I just know his personality. He didn't want to stress them out when our son was having a hard time at college. He would say they are 5 states away lets just not worry them.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Ingalls said:


> I haven't...but he wouldn't. I just know his personality. He didn't want to stress them out when our son was having a hard time at college. He would say they are 5 states away lets just not worry them.


sounds like CYA to me because its NOT ABOUT HIM. If it will help you-he does it. No question.

What does your son's college trouble have to do with anything? We have 'other' trouble too besides his A, he still told his family as a part of taking down his veil. He did it for himself and for me. He had to tell our kids! Now thats stress....


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> sounds like CYA to me because its NOT ABOUT HIM. If it will help you-he does it. No question.
> 
> What does your son's college trouble have to do with anything? We have 'other' trouble too besides his A, he still told his family as a part of taking down his veil. He did it for himself and for me. He had to tell our kids! Now thats stress....


Agh!! I know and I agree. I just don't know how to get him to that place where he realizes and understands that??? In MC he is all "life is great-we are great" but it's a cover.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Ingalls said:


> Agh!! I know and I agree. I just don't know how to get him to that place where he realizes and understands that??? In MC he is all "life is great-we are great" but it's a cover.


do you tell the MC that? That its not all sh*ts and giggles for you?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Ingalls said:


> I haven't...but he wouldn't. I just know his personality. He didn't want to stress them out when our son was having a hard time at college. He would say they are 5 states away lets just not worry them.


Are you close to his family? If you are he absolutely should tell them - in your presence. If his telling them is only to make him take a walk of shame - well that's ok to - just call it what it is. Regardless, if it's important to you - he should do it - he should take out a billboard if that's what you want him to do. 

I speak with some experience on this. My wife is very close to my parents - as close as she is to her own. It was very important to her that my family knew so I got them together and told them - in my wife's presence. I think it helped her a lot to see me stand up and take ownership of what I had done from the people most important to us and accept accountability. It wasn't easy but it was the right thing to do and something she needed.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Again- Its not all about him Ingalls. IF it will help you....
Some support so they will stop encouraging his bad behavior...

Like we(you and I ) talked about, No Rugsweeping. I know you have some other things going on w/your daughter but that doesnt have to let him off the hook when it comes to doing right by the marriage.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

My problem is I want him to tell his parents on his own conscience without me asking. Otherwise i feel like its a punishment. It would prove to me true remorse on his part vs his "robot" promises and responses to my needs. Make sense?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Ingalls said:


> My problem is I want him to tell his parents on his own conscience without me asking. Otherwise i feel like its a punishment. It would prove to me true remorse on his part vs his "robot" promises and responses to my needs. Make sense?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Absolutely. I didnt ask my H to tell his mom and sister. Im glad he did(even if they were Aholes about it and have placed the blame squarely on me). It was HIM taking responsibility. So yes, I absolutely get it. But sometimes we(bs's)gotta lead them. Im still learning that. I have a really hard time talking to him about this. Its hard for me to trust him when I feel like he basically pushed me off a cliff. But I keep reminding myself that his A, was all about his selfishness and his ego. He needed his ego stroked and I wasnt gonna get in the way of that. I think he now realized the high price of that stroking from an outside source. 

how did MC go? Can you bring this up in there?


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Absolutely. I didnt ask Dan to tell his mom and sister. Im glad he did(even if they were Aholes about it and have placed the blame squarely on me). It was HIM taking responsibility. So yes, I absolutely get it. But sometimes we(bs's)gotta lead them. Im still learning that. I have a really hard time talking to him about this. Its hard for me to trust him when I feel like he basically pushed me off a cliff. But I keep reminding myself that his A, was all about his selfishness and his ego. He needed his ego stroked and I wasnt gonna get in the way of that. I think he now realized the high price of that stroking from an outside source.
> 
> how did MC go? Can you bring this up in there?


I have so many thoughts and things to say that my head his spinning! I'm actually jealous Ur H was sensitive enough to do that on his own. But also happy for you  i am very close to my inlaws and have a lot of respect. They are the "calm" in my life. My family is very loud social and events every other weekend.... wow they are the complete opposite religious and very grounded. Even though we see each other about once a year due to distance and busy lives we talk weakly and she just said to me a couple of weeks ago "you've lost the wind in your sail." I bawled like a baby and she said its because your daughter is leaving. I wanted to say no I'm actually excited for that -its your son that has hurt me! But i didn't. My point: I think it would hurt her. I don't want to do that! AND at the same time i want her to know incase we do split! We I'm crazy confused!! Ha

MC isn't again until next week. BUT he told MC no bars with brother in law and he did! So.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Ingalls said:


> My problem is I want him to tell his parents on his own conscience without me asking. Otherwise i feel like its a punishment. It would prove to me true remorse on his part vs his "robot" promises and responses to my needs. Make sense?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Makes perfect sense. Unfortunately reconciliation is ofter far from perfect. When I outed myself I did it of my own volition - I wasn't asked by my wife to do so - I knew it was something that needed to happen. Not everyone sees that so clearly, and many that do can't muster the fortitude to walk themselves to gallows. While not ideal, if you explain to him what and why you need him to do and then leave the ball in his court maybe he will see the light and do it without your having to issue a demand.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Ingalls said:


> I have so many thoughts and things to say that my head his spinning! I'm actually jealous Ur H was sensitive enough to do that on his own. But also happy for you  i am very close to my inlaws and have a lot of respect. They are the "calm" in my life. My family is very loud social and events every other weekend.... wow they are the complete opposite religious and very grounded. Even though we see each other about once a year due to distance and busy lives we talk weakly and she just said to me a couple of weeks ago "you've lost the wind in your sail." I bawled like a baby and she said its because your daughter is leaving. I wanted to say no I'm actually excited for that -its your son that has hurt me! But i didn't. My point: I think it would hurt her. I don't want to do that! AND at the same time i want her to know incase we do split! We I'm crazy confused!! Ha
> 
> MC isn't again until next week. BUT he told MC no bars with brother in law and he did! So.....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


As much as I hate this- it may be time for consequences..


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

Thanks...both of you i appreciate your listening and advice! They will fly here tonight and I will wait and see if my H tells them on his own and if not then after a couple of days talk to him about it after we go to bed in private.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

So yesterday was a really good day! He got his stitches out. He is starting to feel much better...BOW CHICA WOW WOW Anyway, we've had lots and lots of talks. Most good, a couple of them have been rough. One in particular was rough. Its the part that bothers me most. How quickly he jumped in with her and that he thought he loved her...ouch. He knows now that it was all the fog but its still painful to me(and to him). Im thinking some of that hysterical bonding is starting. My wedding ring is back on. I said I thought it might be time to put it back on-NO ONE has EVER moved that fast. He had it out and on my finger so fast with the biggest smile. One day at a time. Its most definately a roller coaster at times but I think the mending has begun. I said "I love you" twice. Both times he was very effected to say the least. It was a bit uncomfortable(still feel the need to protect myself some) but it was right(thanks Sig)
I think we have communicated, real feelings, more in the last week or two than we have in 16yrs. Its amazing what you can learn about someone 16yrs into a relationship. Alot more has happened(too personal to put on TAM, but mostly GOOD) It will suffice to say Im starting to see my H again and not the stranger that took over his mind.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Hip Hip Hooray, Hip hip HOOOOOOORAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!
Good for you and have a kick ass weekend!


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Great news. Pray it continues and it sounds very good.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

AWESOMENESS!!!! So glad you put your ring back on - that had to do wonders for your H.

Y'all have a great weekend!!!!


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## better than before (Aug 3, 2011)

So happy for you!! That is so good; have a great weekend )
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> AWESOMENESS!!!! So glad you put your ring back on - that had to do wonders for your H.
> 
> Y'all have a great weekend!!!!


It did.I thougt he was break something getting to the jewelry box that fast! It was so sweet. I really wasnt aware that it was bothering him so much-guess it was. He said "how about I never do this again and in return you never take this off again" ....perfect. My hand is much prettier with it.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

better than before said:


> So happy for you!! That is so good; have a great weekend )
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep. You guys have helped alot. Thanks sooo much. Have a great weekend too.


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## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

I can't even begin to describe how happy i am for you!

I hope your R will go smoothly from now on


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

DownUnder said:


> I can't even begin to describe how happy i am for you!
> 
> I hope your R will go smoothly from now on


I have my doubts about 'smoothly' but as long as R continues thats what matters. Up and downs are gonna happen. Thats why I have you guys to whine to and help talk me thru it when we're having a rough time.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

YAAAAAAAAAAY! Oh it's so nice to hear some good news for a change! :smthumbup: Huzzah for you and stb-FWH!!  

Now I have an idea for you that I'm hoping you two will love. If the symbolism of the wedding rings means something to him, and it sounds like it does, may I suggest that you two buy each other new, matching wedding rings. If people ask, you can easily say it was just an "upgrade" but the two of you will know that they are NEW symbols of the new marriage you're building together. 

Plus...shopping for rings is fun! :smthumbup:


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Affaircare said:


> YAAAAAAAAAAY! Oh it's so nice to hear some good news for a change! :smthumbup: Huzzah for you and stb-FWH!!
> 
> Now I have an idea for you that I'm hoping you two will love. If the symbolism of the wedding rings means something to him, and it sounds like it does, may I suggest that you two buy each other new, matching wedding rings. If people ask, you can easily say it was just an "upgrade" but the two of you will know that they are NEW symbols of the new marriage you're building together.
> 
> Plus...shopping for rings is fun! :smthumbup:


He had ALREADY mentioned this idea. He said he figured I had 'earned' an upgrade. I dont really see it a 'earning' an 'upgrade' but just a symbol(just as you said) that we are still here and together and fighting for our marriage everyday b/c its what we BOTH want. 

I know its not gonna be all rainbows and puppy dogs for sure. There are still ups and downs-sometimes daily but i have made the choice to STAY because I think he is remorseful. And because I think we can come out better than we were before. I will NEVER be happy this happened but Im trying not to let it have been in vain.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Affaircare said:


> YAAAAAAAAAAY! Oh it's so nice to hear some good news for a change! :smthumbup: Huzzah for you and stb-FWH!!
> 
> Now I have an idea for you that I'm hoping you two will love. If the symbolism of the wedding rings means something to him, and it sounds like it does, may I suggest that you two buy each other new, matching wedding rings. If people ask, you can easily say it was just an "upgrade" but the two of you will know that they are NEW symbols of the new marriage you're building together.
> 
> Plus...shopping for rings is fun! :smthumbup:


AND Fwh sounds like music to my ears....I would never have believed that a year ago. Wow, how things change.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> He had ALREADY mentioned this idea. He said he figured I had 'earned' an upgrade. I dont really see it a 'earning' an 'upgrade' but just a symbol(just as you said) that we are still here and together and fighting for our marriage everyday b/c its what we BOTH want.
> 
> I know its not gonna be all rainbows and puppy dogs for sure. There are still ups and downs-sometimes daily but i have made the choice to STAY because I think he is remorseful. And because I think we can come out better than we were before. I will NEVER be happy this happened but Im trying not to let it have been in vain.


Sneaking this in....but a week or so ago saw the movie The Vow on dvd and the mom who stayed with her cheating husband says that she CHOSE to stay bc of all the wonderful times. It was a really cool line! 
Happy CTU for you!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> I know its not gonna be all rainbows and puppy dogs for sure.



Sunshine lollipops and rainbows - YouTube


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