# Need Advice re Near-Sexless Marriage



## concerned_husband_86 (Jun 18, 2013)

In hopes of getting more responses, I'll do my best to make this post as concise as possible. My wife and I have been married for a little over 3 years--which I understand isn't a relatively long amount of time--and for the most part, we've been quite happy. We generally enjoy each other's company and don't argue all that much (we bicker here and there, but we tend to limit our "big" arguments to twice a month or so). 

However, as you can probably guess from the fact that I am posting in this particular sub-forum, our sex life is very depressing. We are only intimate about once a month. I've communicated time after time to my wife that while there are many important aspects to maintaining a healthy marriage besides sex, sex is still a part of marriage that ought not be neglected. Having sex helps keep the "fire lit" in our marriage, so to speak; but because we are slowly becoming less and less intimate (at our "peak," we used to have sex ~4 times per week, which frankly still isn't as much as I'd like but in retrospect, it's a hell of a lot better than once per month), it scares me that my feelings toward my wife are going to change. My wife doesn't really listen to me when I communicate my feelings about our sex life. She just "shuts down," as if she doesn't want to face the truth.

To provide further context, I've always been a very active guy. I work out between 4 and 5 times a week quite heavily and have what I consider a pretty great body--I'll get stares at the gym and in public, or have girls come up and flirt with me. I've always considered myself an attractive guy, too. But the fact that my wife won't get intimate with me anymore makes me feel incredible unattractive and honestly, makes my mind wonder and think, "What if I had married [other girl] instead?" I absolutely HATE that I even have those thoughts, but I'm trying to be transparent. I used to tone up just to impress my wife, but since I'm not "getting any" anymore, I find that I'm just doing it to impress strangers. That's probably pretty messed up, I realize, yet it's the sad truth.

My wife is a bit self-conscious about her body (although she is gorgeous--she has literally no reason to be self-conscious at all), and I used to think maybe that was the reason for our boring sex life. I've been going out of my way to compliment my wife on her looks to help raise her self-esteem, too. But no matter what I do, she won't get intimate with me more than about once a month. She'll say she's tired, or that her stomach hurts, or some other reason she doesn't want to get intimate, and it's always ME that has to make a move.

What should I do? Please be honest with me if you think there is something I'm missing or should be doing.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Have you guys tried counseling yet on this topic? Is your wife working? Do you guys have small children? Are you helping with the household or does she assume all responsibility for this?

As a woman - just relaying the reasons I hear women give when they start to cut down on sex. It seems many times the women are starved for emotional affection just as the men are starved for sexual affection. For some women its very difficult to be sexually intimate if they are feeling emotionally starved. Especially if young children are involved, a woman can feel as though she is running on a constant empty emotionally - and if the man isn't trying to replenish or help her out but still pushes for sex it can feel like just one more thing she is required to give. 

Not knowing your situation, of course. You can tell her shes beautiful all you want but she will dismiss this if she senses its only a means for you to get sex. When I was her age and had young children (again, not knowing if you do) a faster way into my pants was for my husband to put the kids to bed while I had a glass of wine. Or give me a few hours to myself while he cleaned house. Even if you don't have children resentment can build if both are working but only one is assuming the household upkeep.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Mr. Concerned,

First of all, welcome to TAM!

It's good for you to try to find your answers here. TAM is a treasure trove of pertinent information, especially in regards to sex in marriage. I would recommend you to _read_ these thread carefully (yes, each and every post, especially the OP's) to gain further insight about "sexless marriage" syndrome from both sides.

This is a success story, required readings for both men and women (thank you Mrs. GettingIt!)
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...-now-how-i-get-my-husband-trust-me-again.html

There are some more good advice in this thread below:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/83665-how-happy-you.html

This below is a story of a man who finally had enough and file for divorce. But not before making very very serious efforts for years. 
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/67022-ld-wife-has-turned-me-off.html

This one is a sad story, required readings for men who can't let go.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/67027-cruel-unfeeling-wife.html

Well, surely these are enough reading materials for a weekend or three. Happy reading and good luck!


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## concerned_husband_86 (Jun 18, 2013)

Thanks for the quick reply. To answer your questions: (1) no, we have not tried counseling; (2) my wife does work full time, yes; (3) we do not have children yet; and (4) we split the housework about 60-40 (i.e., she does 60 and I do 40). Typically, we split up the housework pretty evenly, but I gave her a 10-point bump for always being willing to make dinner. I feel as though I'm in such a hard place because I don't want to feel selfish for wanting sex, but at the same time, I need it. I'm at a very stressful point in my life where I'll be starting law school this fall at an incredibly prestigious university where I'll have to work my butt off just to get median-level grades, and I feel like now more than ever I've been noticing our lack of intimacy. I'm also working full time right now, while bearing a relatively large portion of responsibility maintaining our house and kitchen clean.

Do you have any other tips for helping her feel more emotionally satisfied?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You're not going to like my answer, so I'll just hint a little. Take stock of where you are. 3 years in, about to start law school, clinically sexless, no kids, she has a job. Now try to visualize what your life will be like 10 years from now. A couple kids, maybe she's a sahm (with alimony potential), you're making big bucks, even less sex. I think you're at the door to a trap and if you keep going in, you'll find no easy way out. Certainly no easier than what you have right now. Me, I'd chalk this up to a learning experience. But that's the benefit of hindsight. I wouldn't have said that back when I was in your position.


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## concerned_husband_86 (Jun 18, 2013)

Threetimesalady said:


> How old is she and how old are you?...Did you have an active sex life before marriage?...Unfortunately, when many women marry they don't expect the frequency of sexual intercourse taking place...It's a shock...At least it was for me...It was a part of life that you either get to know and enjoy or you can turn off and tolerate...She seems to be doing the later...
> 
> Did she date a lot before you were married...


We're both in our mid-20s, and that's what scares me. We're way too young to be going through this stage of our marriage; it's almost as if we've fast forwarded our sex life by 30 or 40 years. We were both quite sexually active before getting married, too. And yes, there seems to be no middle ground to enjoying a healthy sex life--it's an all-or-nothing deal, it would seem. It's just a shame that it's destroying my confidence when I know that there are other women out there who would kill to be in my wife's shoes. That's one of the most difficult pills to swallow.



WorkingOnMe said:


> You're not going to like my answer, so I'll just hint a little. Take stock of where you are. 3 years in, about to start law school, clinically sexless, no kids, she has a job. Now try to visualize what your life will be like 10 years from now. A couple kids, maybe she's a sahm (with alimony potential), you're making big bucks, even less sex. I think you're at the door to a trap and if you keep going in, you'll find no easy way out. Certainly no easier than what you have right now. Me, I'd chalk this up to a learning experience. But that's the benefit of hindsight. I wouldn't have said that back when I was in your position.


Believe me when I say I've already thought of that. If we don't promptly nip our situation in the bud, it's going to set me up for misery down the road. My wife was so adamant that I become an attorney, so for some bizarre reason I've been telling myself, "Maybe my wealth and power will turn her on one day." Now that I've actually typed that thought and am looking at it, I see how ridiculous that sounds. We were enjoying a decently healthy sex life even when we didn't have much money--why should I expect wealth to change anything?

I really have no idea what to do. It would be incredibly hard for me to consider divorce at this point, given that my selfishness probably isn't a valid reason to divorce my wife. That would make me look like a pig--or would it? 

The hardest part about this is talking with my close friends about their sex lives, and becoming depressed. It legitimately bums me out to hear about them having their way with their wives twice a day, or at least daily.


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## RFguy (Feb 17, 2013)

Wanting and having a fulfilling sex life is the cornerstone of a marriage. Do not for one moment let her guilt you into believing you are shallow, a pig, selfish or whatever. No, you are a normal male who seeks a healthy marriage.

You are getting sold short here. It is entirely her problem and a divorce should be definitely an option if the situation doesn't improve.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

You have had talks with her, but now is the time to have "the" talk. Tell her that she is not meeting your most important need as your wife and that you don't won't to live in a sexless marriage. But be fair. Ask her if there is an emotional need that you're not meeting for her that is contributing to this. 

Let her know that the least you expect from her is to work with you on this issue until it is resolved. Whether it be counseling, sex therapy, intimacy exercises, medical visits; whatever can improve things. And that the most you would expect is for her to have sex with you more often without you always having to initiate. Simple as that.

But I agree with the previous poster. This is a hugely serious issue and you ultimately have to decide what you're going to do if things don't improve. Gut it out or divorce.


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## concerned_husband_86 (Jun 18, 2013)

Thanks for the candid responses, everyone. The truth is staring right at me, yet it's so hard to face; but I think it may be time for "the" talk.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Count your blessings that this problem is emerging now rather than 5 years from now.

10 yrs ago I was almost exactly in your position, only my wife and I were having sex regularly then. She shut off the supply after we had kids.

Now I am in my mid-30s, married, two children, stay at home wife with a full time nanny, mortgage on an expensive house, have sex once every 4-6 weeks for the past 3 yrs.

Breaking up means losing the opportunity to see my children on a daily basis, moving out of my nice big house into a crappy apartment and continuing to work while my wife enjoys all of the fruits of my labor and I get basically nothing.

I only wish that she had decided to cut me off when I was your age, then the decision would have been easy. I understand that it probably does not seem easy to you right now, but if you continue along and pretend it is not a problem, it will get much, much harder.

Good luck.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Seriously, whatever you do, do not have a child with her until you are certain that this is no longer an issue. Be very, very careful here, because if she decides she wants a kid, she will be all over you for a while until she gets pregnant, then it will be lights out.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

If there are not medical problems she is way too young to not want sex. Let's rule out that she isn't getting it from someone else. Any other changes in her behavior? Are both of you on the same phone acct. Take a quick look at the phone records. Does she work late a few days a week. Just throwing it out there because again for mid 20s this is not normal.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

One more thing I would put a voice activated recorder-VAR- in her car. Not to see if she is cheating but more to find out where her head is at like does she hate her job is she depressed or that other dreaded possibility I know I'm grasping.


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## concerned_husband_86 (Jun 18, 2013)

Man, I'm not going to lie... it's incredibly depressing to hear all of this. I knew this behavior wasn't normal but now I'm starting to wonder if something is legitimately wrong with my wife or even myself for not performing.

This may be naïve of me, but I'm 99% sure my wife isn't cheating. That being said, there are certain behaviors she exhibits that may qualify as "suspicious," such as never letting me see her phone. I think I'm going to check out the phone bill just to make sure she isn't making any out-of-the-ordinary calls. Is there any way to view text messages, especially deleted text messages? My wife is astute enough to where if she _were_ texting someone else, she would cover up her tracks and delete the messages. 

My wife does hate her job, though. I don't want to give away any revealing details, but she is very anxious to quit her job at the end of the summer (since we are moving to a different state for school). In fact, I've found that ever since she started working, the sex has become increasingly infrequent. That can't be a coincidence. 

Anyway, I'm assured that no one here thinks I'm a jerk for being genuinely unhappy. I suspected that by posting on here, I would be bombarded with things like, "You're selfish!" or even, "It's entirely your fault that your wife won't sleep with you anymore." I just really can't imagine my wife ever wanting to have more sex. The sad part is that I don't think she's always been this way.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

I'll just relay my exerience and you can take it for what it's worth. My wife had a job and was stressed out by it. We didn't have sex as much as I would've liked at the time (about twice a week, generally only on the weekend). She got pregnant and I told her she didn't need to work anymore. I thought she would be less stressed so frequency of sex would increase. It did not-- just the opposite.

Later on after we had our second child I thought she was stressed out by being a SAHM. So I offered to hire a full time nanny to help out. I thought that she would be less stressed so sex would increase. Again, the opposite occurred-- frequency decreased.

At the end of the day, if your wife wanted to have sex with you, she would. I'm sure you've got reasons to be stressed in your day to day life, but you still want her.


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## ardehl (Apr 13, 2013)

Sex and emotions are very closely linked for a woman, if she is emotionally affected by things then it affects her sexual appetite , I think a talk is the right thing she needs to tell you why she isn't as interested.


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## missus (Jun 19, 2013)

concerned_husband_86 said:


> Anyway, I'm assured that no one here thinks I'm a jerk for being genuinely unhappy. I suspected that by posting on here, I would be bombarded with things like, "You're selfish!" or even, "It's entirely your fault that your wife won't sleep with you anymore." I just really can't imagine my wife ever wanting to have more sex.


I'm sorry to hear about the problems you & your SO are having. 

I've been having difficulties with my husband - though we're newly married (within our first year) and as we were both inexperienced when we married I can't really imagine him ever really wanting more (read: any) sex, either. 

The thing is: I love him. It breaks my heart that it might come down to a choice but I could never ever trade the relationship that we have in for one with more sex or better sex. I want the relationship that we have but I want the option WITH sex! ... 

When it comes down to it what people seem to be saying on the forums on here about the 'sexless marriage' is that the only real option is to decide whether you want the relationship regardless of your sexual activity/the quality of your sex with that person... I don't think it's selfish to decide that it's too much for you to sacrifice; just that it should be fully considered.

I really hope things work out for you- whatever the future holds!


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## ginger-snap (Apr 10, 2013)

I think you need to have "the talk" and then pursue marriage counseling. 

When it was good, was it interesting and varied, or only missionary? Does she orgasm? 

Also, it's possible her job is indeed causing her stress, and possibly even resentment, whether it's fair or not. Sex isn't a stress release for everyone. Or, it's something else. Either way, you may need a neutral party to help you both uncover the issue.

How long were you together before marriage?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Her not letting you see her phone, big red flag. There are no secrets in marriage. Put a var in her car asap.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Is she perhaps resenting the move to law school and you going back to school?

Yes, there is a problem. Given your age and the fact that you don't have children yet and the fact that you are rather newly-wed it doesn't make sense that the sex has decreased as much as it has.

There is a reason. Its possible she doesn't know what the reason is and perhaps needs therapy to figure it out. Or perhaps she knows the reason but is unable /unwilling to tell you. In this case perhaps couples therapy could be helpful to get the communication going. 

I wouldn't necessarily jump to the conclusion that shes having an affair - but the fact that she is protective of you seeing her phone suggests there is some detatchment going on. She might just be talking crap on you to her friends - but still, if she has issues with you she should be sharing them with you and not her friends.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Rule out cheating first and check the phone records and go from there jmo.


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