# Stubborn DH won't listen



## karazy (Aug 31, 2015)

How does one get a stubborn spouse to listen? Is it even possible?

My husband is a pretty hardheaded person. He will do what he wants, when he wants. He sometimes would listen, but usually when sh*t has already hit the fan and even sometimes, when sh*t is smeared all over our walls, he'd still not listen. This is one of the latter times.

I normally would ignore and let him do whatever he wants and let him deal with the consequences. However, this time, it involves our baby#1, who is 2 years old. I just cannot ignore it. 

DH has not been listening to me when it comes to child rearing. He is now sleep deprived as he has established terrible sleeping habits for baby#1. This started from when she was an infant so she has never learned to put herself to sleep. 

Baby#2 is a few months old and I told DH to not to get involved in how I care for this child and so far, #2 is an amazing sleeper. Luckily for me and #2, DH is too busy with work and #1 that he cannot butt in and cause problems with his "opinions" if he wanted to.

#2 falls asleep by himself most nights and sleeps 5-6 hour stretches. Meanwhile, #1 is almost 2.5 years old but needs help falling asleep (daddy holding her, or her sleeping on him) and cannot stay asleep for longer 2-3 hours at a time. 

As you can see, this becomes problematic for him and because he can't sleep, he has outbursts of anger in front of #1 and often walks away from her and leaving her crying. All this is just terrible for her mental health. I'm very afraid this is affecting her negatively. 

Reverting back to his passive aggressive ways that he learned from his mom, he would wake me up too so I couldn't sleep either.

This has been going for as long as #2 is here, which is a few months. Before that, #1 was dependent on my breasts to comfort nurse to sleep (this is a whole other story). 

Some days, he has no problems then other days, he gets really angry.

He complains and gets really angry (punches headboard and hurt knuckles, this just happened 2 nights ago). I don't blame him bc he is sleep deprived but he won't listen to me either.

I told him to start a new routine with #1 by getting her to fall asleep in bed while he is reading her a book or something. But no, he is too good to do that.

In addition, he puts #1 to sleep way past her bedtime. For example, today, she only napped 30 mins in the car at around 1pm. He didn't put her to sleep until 11pm. That's a straight 10 frigging hours a 2 year old is awake. She woke up at 9am so she was up 14 hours with only a 30 min nap. This causes her not to sleep well at night because she is overtired. I told him to let her sleep earlier but he won't listen. This happens often. I told him on days she naps very short, she needs to go to bed earlier that night.

So as predicted, she woke up so many times tonight that he couldn't sleep. So at 3am, I hear loud clanking and banging in the kitchen that woke me up. He was making food. I went out and asked where she was, he left her upstairs watching TV!!!!! I got upset and asked him why he'd do that to her when it is 3am. She started crying and was already more than halfway down the stairs. He told me to go back to sleep and that she will fall asleep watching TV; another terrible habit he is making but he won't listen.

He was angry and I really didn't want to make too much trouble and make #2 to wake up. So I swallowed my anger and came to TAM.

I cannot fathom why he cannot understand that he is expecting a baby to operate at an adult capacity. 

I google and relay to him what experts are advising regarding creating healthy sleep habits for our kids. He invalidate all of the advice. I suggest to buy books; nope, says those books are useless because he is convinced our child is the problem when in reality, he is the one causing her to have problems.

I wish I could take over with both kids but #2 is still very young and isn't quite on a predictable schedule yet. Also, #1 has separation anxiety with DH so she prefers him; it's hard to help when she cries for him. However, when he is not around, I can put her to sleep and she can fall asleep by herself during nap time. She really is a much better child when she is with me and when DH is not around. But #2 sleeps at the same time at night because he is still on 3 naps a day and takes his 3rd one in the evening. I don't want DH to take over with #2 because he doesn't know how to care for him and I know he will screw up this child's perfectly wonderful sleeping habits. He wouldn't listen to my instructions on how to care for #2 either and would do his own thing, causing problems.

I'm waiting for when #2 has a 7pm bedtime so I can start to be the one to tuck #1 to sleep again. I'm just afraid that by that time, too much damage has been done to #1.


Please advise. Thanks.


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## twin (Feb 24, 2013)

Just wondering if you spoke to him about why he deals with bedtime the way he does? Does he think your way is wrong? I myself had a very similar dynamic in our home, but I was the one who couldn't stand letting the kids cry it out. Maybe start small steps, and try to talk to him about it at a time when you aren't "in the moment". I'd start with you have to teach them the difference between night and day, so no playing or tv at night. This can be a special rare time when the two of them are alone and quiet, and hopefully those special moments will become shorter and less frequent. I don't think my way was the right way, but my personality couldn't let them cry. It was about me, not about being right. Maybe he needs help and tools to do it better. Being young parents is hard. Good luck! Btw, my baby #1 is 18, and he's okay!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You sound like a very domineering person - your way is the right way and to he!! with what anyone else wants or thinks. Your poor husband! 

How do you know that your oldest child wouldn't have the same problems no matter what you tried? I was a single parent and raised three kids on my own. They all 3 had VERY different sleep habits.

Do you ever praise your husband for doing things right? Or can he do no right in your eyes?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

I agree with @Hope1964 OP, you should have titled this thread as "Stubborn DH won't listen to me when I tell him he is doing everything wrong"


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

IDK, I'd be pretty ticked off too if my H wasn't following a regimen for a two year old and we were now stuck with this mess. Kids need structure and schedules. 

It sounds like each of you is raising a separate kid, am I understanding that right? He takes care of the toddler and you take care of the baby? Is that going to continue?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

turnera said:


> IDK, I'd be pretty ticked off too if my H wasn't following a regimen for a two year old and we were now stuck with this mess. Kids need structure and schedules.


Yes, if it was something the two of them had agreed to follow and made a plan about. But to me, it sounds like they never did so, and they've both just been winging it in totally opposite directions and freaking out at the other when one doesn't do what the other thinks should be done.

There are many different parenting philosophies and styles, some of which are diametrically opposed, but that doesn't mean one is wrong and another is right. Some kids need more structure and some less. Some parents believe in more structure and some in less. The key is that it has to WORK, by whatever definition of WORK the parents have agreed to live by. For some parents, it totally works that their kids sleep with them all the time and don't have a set bedtime. For others, it works when the kids go to bed at the exact same time every night and only ever in their own bed. Neither is right or wrong, they're just different.

But if both parents aren't on the same page, that CAN'T be right.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Karazy, while I don't agree with your attitude that YOUR way is ONLY way to do things, I DO agree that what your husband is doing with bedtime is NOT healthy, for your child or for the two of you. Why did this all start in the first place with him taking over everything? Children need structure and boundaries, and he does not seem to be providing these in ANY form, not just not YOUR way. Short of threatening separation, I am really not sure how to tell you to get through to him.  It does not sound like he has her best interests in mind, for sure.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Wow. You both need help.

You're so busy being everybody's mommy and being right that he's not listening to you. 

He's so busy being a teenager and 'sleep deprived' that he acts like he's 13 instead of a dad and husband.

That dynamic just isn't going to play out long term.


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## karazy (Aug 31, 2015)

Sorry I did not come back to this thread sooner.

To answer a couple of questions, my husband was taking care of our toddler because I was healing after pregnancy. Why did my husband take over sleep? Because I needed to finally wean toddler so baby#2 can breastfeed. Toddler was comfort nursing to sleep until the day I went into labor.

Well, I guess I can see how one would see me as domineering by simply reading this. However, my way does work! and you don't live with my husband, so it's not like you'd know how he really is.

After I posted this, I started to take matters in my own hands and did everything my way with the toddler and hubby started to see that I'm right. Hubby began to listen to everything I had been trying to get through to him and we are doing sooo much better. I would say we have settled into a really good routine for everyone. Toddler finally sleeps through the night (hallelujah!!) and so!does baby#2
(for now). Hubby is able to get sleep, work out, work, etc. He only takes care of toddler at bedtime. I care 100% for baby#2 and toddler (sans bedtime).

BTW, his TV tactic failed miserably. Toddler watched TV for hours and couldn't settle down to sleep! 

Maybe some people aren't domineering but actually know what the heck they're saying? Just maybe? 

Thank you all for the responses.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You should answer Hopes question. 

Do you ever praise your husband for doing things right? Or can he do no right in your eyes?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

karazy said:


> Sorry I did not come back to this thread sooner.
> 
> To answer a couple of questions, my husband was taking care of our toddler because I was healing after pregnancy. Why did my husband take over sleep? Because I needed to finally wean toddler so baby#2 can breastfeed. Toddler was comfort nursing to sleep until the day I went into labor.
> 
> ...


Glad to read the bolded, karazy. You clearly have some expertise in this area that your husband and kids are benefitting from. Hope things continue to go well.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So once again you've taken over and just told your husband what to do, and since he's doing it for now, things are 'better'.

Good luck with that.

Things are 'working' by your definition, which seems to be that everyone just adhere to your schedule and wishes.

I think it would be quite telling if we could hear from your husband what he really thinks about all this.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I can't imagine hb is unhappy with being able to sleep and go to the gym. 

Why is the assumption being made that he can't do anything right based on his handling of toddler bedtime habits?

My hb plans much better than me and usually takes it over. If I plan and it doesn't work out well and he takes it back does that mean I do nothing right? 

Or maybe I just don't plan as well. 

Maybe he just doesn't do toddler bedtime well and that's it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> Why is the assumption being made that he can't do anything right based on his handling of toddler bedtime habits?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am not sure if this is directed at me, but I am not assuming he can't do anything right, the OP is.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

OP-

Your post from the title to the content painted your husband as am incompetent. I get that it may have been a vent. But it does sound like you don't treat him as an equal partner. Both my husband and I have strengths and weakness, but instead of diminishing the other person's efforts, we choose to come alongside each other. It might me a more healthier approach instead of this stance of my way or his way...power struggles in marriages can be fatal to the relationship.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

When I had my second and my husband took over putting the oldest to bed he wanted to do it a different way.
I bit my tongue and let him...even though inside it was driving me crazy because I knew it wouldn't work but he had to go through the failures of trying new things just like i did originally.
Sure having your kid up at 3 watching tv was a bad move...but he will never do that again will he?
It's hard when you've been the primary care giver to give something up to someone who doesn't do it your way but your way is not necessarily the right way. It's also hard for the spouse because they are coming into it blind basically since they haven't been the one doing it. 
As @Hope1964 said kids have different sleep schedules.
I get that you saw how wrong it was but in the end parents make all sorts of mistakes.

Things seem to be working for you now...hopefully you can work as a unit.





Sent from my iPhone


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## karazy (Aug 31, 2015)

WorkingOnMe said:


> You should answer Hopes question.
> 
> Do you ever praise your husband for doing things right? Or can he do no right in your eyes?



Oops, I missed the question.

Of course, I do praise him when it calls for it. He can do a lot of things right, but he can also be really stubborn at times and thus, can do things that yield results he doesn't want, and then complains about it. For example, he wants to sleep a normal schedule (night to morning) and not a screwed up one like he used to do it before (morning to afternoon) yet he would work out hard right before bedtime and then complains that he can't fall asleep.


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## karazy (Aug 31, 2015)

Thanks all.

I just wanted to do an update that we are doing well still for those hoping it was temporary. Actually, it's a lot better now since I've got a truly predictable schedule going on with baby#2. Our toddler is no longer unhealthily clinging to DH so I can care for her more now. She adjusted to having a sibling. I also feel better physically now; I'm mostly healed from birth and I'm able to adjust to being mommy of 2 a little better. DH has time to work and to do things he wants/needs to, for the most part. 

I agree with CityGirl regarding letting DH learn from failures. Sometimes though, changing a toddler's habit is so much harder than dealing with a one-time failure. 

I'm not trying to make DH look incompetent because he really is not. He's just stubborn as f*** at times that makes me wanna pull all my hair out, one at a time.

Thanks for all the comments. They do get me thinking, but I'm not trying to control everything. It just sounds like it would be too much work to control someone/something. I like it when my hubby takes charge. When he is in control, there is less work for me. However, when he does something that I can see will become a problem in the future, I just don't have it in me not to say anything. I guess, I just want to save everyone's time by doing things right the first time (or a second) and finding a solution that is good long term, not just a temporary fix that will become a problem later.

P.S. Sorry if I missed anyone's comment. I'm replying from the iPhone and cannot see other comments while replying.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sounds good. I would only add...when you see what you say is the 'right' way to do something, don't you think it's fair to at least TALK to him about what you think is the right way and see what HE says?

I live with someone who always 'knows' the right way and he just does it, without even asking me. He'll even go behind me and RE-DO what I've done because I was wrong. I hope you're at least discussing such things first before taking action. That's how marriages thrive.


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## karazy (Aug 31, 2015)

I do explain to him why "my way" is better and I always explain how "his way" would become a problem in the future. He would not listen, get upset, say something to get me upset, just do it his way, and then he complains at the results from doing it his way.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Putting a baby to he'd at 11pm? That's daft.

Babies need a lot of sleep.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

karazy said:


> I do explain to him why "my way" is better and I always explain how "his way" would become a problem in the future. He would not listen, get upset, say something to get me upset, just do it his way, and then he complains at the results from doing it his way.


Ok, fair enough. Just making sure you are communicating, since, you know, he has feelings, too. Forget that at your own risk.


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