# Father died and husband's sexual reaction!



## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

I need some insight. I've posted here about concerns over my husband and his pushy nature when it comes to sex. We went a long time without much interaction. We've been married for 8 years. Well, we had trouble, went to therapy, and tried to start with a clean slate. But, he went from never touching me to texting me constantly with sexy messages, buying me lingerie (even though I said I wasn't ready to jump back into the marriage that quickly). Well, we were doing better. He had settled down and we were about a month into a comfortable zone. Then, suddenly, my father passed away. I had to fly back home and deal with that by myself (he didn't come with me right away *common complaint in my marriage). He then arrived and was fairly supportive. I felt better. Then, I come home and i'm obviously grief stricken (5 days after his death). I'm crying and he hugs me and seems supportive. Then, he's trying force me into sex while I'm sleeping, jokes about trying to get me drunk during dinner to get me in bed, and then I dismiss all of these and *try to joke about it and tell him I'm just not ready yet. The very next day? I break down and then gather myself and say i'm going to take a shower. As soon as I get in - he comes into the shower expecting SEX! I politely tell him I'd just been crying and he reacts "well, geez, typical dumb me, I have horrible timing." "clearly i'm a bad husband." Then continues to chuckle and say "God, I got great timing". I just quietly apologized and told him I just felt I wasn't in the right place yet. He said he understood. Then, I see on our computer that he has been researching sexual fantasies. Even asking about "shaving down there" on message boards for better sex. 

I guess I just need some feedback to know if i'm over-reacting. I feel like we had just made some progress in our relationship. I was grateful for his presence during my father's funeral. He seemed supportive (for him). I saw signs of progress. Should I be having sex when I am sad? I had wanted this marriage to work (we have a child) but I just don't think i'm capable of accepting this behavior. I'm beginning to resent him.... and I had just overcome feeling rthat way in months past. 

How would you handle this? Thanks for your time.:scratchhead:


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

questionme2 said:


> Should I be having sex when I am sad?


Yes! it will cheer you up!

He is obviously horny, how long since he last had sex with you?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I am really sorry about your father. I lost my dad when i was younger. I know how hard it is. 

As far as your H's reaction, my H is kind of like this, too. He just doesnt get it. I was talking to my brother the other day, who is an alcoholic, and it is very upsetting to me. i was visibly distraught. my H thought that was a good time to want sex. very random. 

this wasnt the first time. i used to get angry and think he was insensitive when he'd do something like this. now i realize that he doesnt understand. and for my H, when Im sad it turns him on. Dont know why. weird. but it does. i dont think he's insensitive, he just doesn't understand. 

Plus your H seems to have discovered a knew world of pleasure he never knew existed. sounds like a kid in a candy store. it might feel overwhelming, and overpowering for him. he probably doesnt understand it either, just knows he likes it.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

I appreciate the insight. It has been about 2 months now since we've had sex. It's not as easy as it may seem. I went through a long time where our relationship made me resent him for pushing me. So I really have to talk myself into being with him - even before such a tragedy in my family. Maybe I'm wrong but I just don't know how to make myself WANT sex with him. And I want sex -- I'm not one of those women who hate sex. It's just never been good and I'm trying to find a new attraction to him. We had started slowly by just kissing and holding onto each other on the couch. Sllllowww intimacy. It was working...until this.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

2 months?? 2 months??/ I couldn't live not having sex with my wife almost daily, No way 2 months!! 

as a guy I really feel for your hubby here, he must stroke alot off.

Don't get me wrong, I am very sorry for your dad, how old was he? I have lost both parents and 2 brothers, so I am used to death, but intimacy has always gotten me out of my slump, life goes on dear.

I find nothing better then having sex with my wife, it is a great stress releif for me, we joke around if I don't get any I get cranky....pent up testorome...lol 

I know my wife feels better after sex, like she stole my energy...lol

I can see a few days after a death...but 2 months??? I am shocked. Really I am.

there has to be more to this.

They often say the more sex you have the better you feel in your relationship, its a connection.

When you go without it it often drives a wedge and makes things worse.

you may want to go to counseling and see what the real issue is, becuase there has to be more to it.

I wish you luck, but when you decline sex, you are only declining yourself pleasure and love


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

No ..it had been 5 days since my father's death, but we were taking things slow as we rebuild our marriage...so we *I could want intimacy again. Thanks for your advice though....


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## sarah.rslp (Jan 2, 2009)

Grief affects people in different ways, a friend of mine died two years ago and I took it badly, rather than get better over time it got worse. After a while my husband started acting like my husband rather than a friend and insisted I get out of bed start taking care of myself and just doing the normal things that a person does.

Sexually I'm not sure what I was like I might ask hubby, but sex is a big part of a relationship and just shutting it down will have consequences eventually.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

questionme2 said:


> Maybe I'm wrong but I just don't know how to make myself WANT sex with him. And I want sex -- I'm not one of those women who hate sex. It's just never been good and I'm trying to find a new attraction to him.


ya, that's me right now. im not attracted to my H anymore. its a combination of resentment, he's out of shape, my body image issues, and we are both inexperienced. 

first things first, though, you have to deal with your resentment. you wont be able to see the other obstacles clearly if you are angry or resentful. 

Im over the worst of my resentment so I can see solutions to the other problems. it doesnt feel like a big deal to me anymore. 

Work out your anger and resentment. its not something he can cure. he can do small things to help you, but mostly forgiveness comes from understanding yourself better. its a giving thing, not a receiving. go to counseling, read some books, keep coming to forums, and just remember if you were attracted to him once, you can be attracted to him again.


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

I have to admit, I was not the sexual aggressor in my marriage. Primarily because I found other ways to "take care of business". I would sit in front of the computer almost every day and find new "unsavory" images to help things along.

Having said that, I did cheat my wife out of what should have been hers. When the "big talk" came along and she was ready to dump me, she agreed that we would try again, but that ANY physical contact was out.

I will tell you what I told her...

You can build nothing further than a friendship by disallowing any affection and/or sexual activity. The heart will never be able to mend the differences and begin to love me as a partner unless you partake in the pleasures of the flesh from time to time. We all have needs that must be fulfilled, and ignoring them or pushing them away will only lead to increased tension and could eventually become destructive.

In our situation, it proved to be destructive. Instead of turning to her computer, she turned to another man. This caused her to desire to push me away even further. She got ideas that this new man was her "soul mate" that would protect her in good times and bad, happy and sad. She was ready to end our marriage for a chance to experience the euphorian love that only takes place on the Disney properties.

Sex between a married couple is not dirty, it is not shameful. What is dirty and shameful is when the lack of intamacy changes to pursuit of "other interests".

My wife is lucky; I don't care enough about having sex to turn to someone else in times of need... I, on the other hand am not so fortunate.

If you are going to "work on the marriage", then you cannot neglect one area of it until all others are repaired or until "you are happy" with it again because as I said earlier, in the best case, it will only develop as far as a friendship and no further. In the worst case, someone is gonna find someone else.

There needs to be a decision made as to whether or not this marriage can be repaired, or whether there are too many hard feelings that have washed under the bridge. If one party or the other is not willing to go at it 100%, then it will never work.

Good luck. Sorry about your dad.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

well I really don't know what to say....

He finds you sexually atteactive, he is trying new things to "spark you" the Lingerie, maybe shaving his area to make it better for YOU, etc....everything I see him doing ....is for you.

he loves you and wants to be with you.

Why don't you want to be with him? what is turning you off?

Sorry I thought I read 2 months in there...not 5 days, 5 days is completely acceptable during a mourning period.


I just think you are looking for excuses, what is the real reason you do not wish to sleep with your husband anymore?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

GAsoccerman-

I'm with GAsoccerman, on this. You've made him wait 2 months, he's as horny as hell. Form your other posts, I just wonder who you are. 

I think you have mentally reset the clock at 5 days, but he is counting 60 days!!!

I would leave a woman who played with me like this.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

moogvo said:


> You can build nothing further than a friendship by disallowing any affection and/or sexual activity. The heart will never be able to mend the differences and begin to love me as a partner unless you partake in the pleasures of the flesh from time to time. We all have needs that must be fulfilled, and ignoring them or pushing them away will only lead to increased tension and could eventually become destructive.
> 
> If you are going to "work on the marriage", then you cannot neglect one area of it until all others are repaired or until "you are happy" with it again because as I said earlier, in the best case, it will only develop as far as a friendship and no further. In the worst case, someone is gonna find someone else.


I have to disagree with this a bit. Maybe it's just a gender difference, but most women need to trust their man before they can be intimate (and enjoy it). Questionme2 stated various times that there is a history of her husband being forceful and pushy regarding sex. That is no small thing. His behavior, over time, has created both a lack of trust and a sense of no control for her. It would be reasonable then to expect that, as they work on the marriage, trust and a balance of control would need to be re-established before she can joyfully get intimate. If that means dating and having other forms of intimacy not involving intercourse, so be it. That can be a healthy progression as long as she is truly opening up her heart to him, truly committed to learning to trust him and to regaining her affections for him. But, he has work to do as well and it seems to me like he's so horny that he skipping through the steps (which is probably part of what caused the problems to begin with). I totally get get horny , but if what he wants is to fix things, he must be patient. I'm not saying he should be committed to eternal celibacy, but sounds like they just began taking baby steps toward fixing the relationship and now he wants to zoom full-foward without her being ready.

As for the incident after her father's passing, I think that was extremly insensitive and selfish of him. Everyone responds to grief different and, while one person may find sex helpful in relieving their sadness and grief, another may lose their libido and need emotional and mental support instead. It was her partner's job to find out what SHE needed in her time of grief and try to provide that. Not decide for him (and likely in HIS best interest) that sex was what was needed. He was thinking about himself and not about her. That might be okay in a benign situation, but not in midst of a mourning spouse.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

MsLady said:


> His behavior, over time, has created both a lack of trust and a sense of no control for her. It would be reasonable then to expect that, as they work on the marriage, trust and a balance of control would need to be re-established before she can joyfully get intimate. If that means dating and having other forms of intimacy not involving intercourse, so be it.


:iagree:

I had to stop intimacy in my relationship for awhile too. we had to learn to be friends first for me to be comfortable being intimate.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

*What's going on here?*

questionme2-

I always try to read people's other threads before replying.

I am confused because you have 4 threads, and the story differs. For instance you talk about a boyfriend of 2 years here:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/3400-need-advice-badly.html

A husband of 8 years here:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/3416-unusual-would-you-stay.html

And a husband of 2 years here that acts gay:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/3387-he-gay.html

Can you explain the contradictions?


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

MsLady,

I didn't really believe this way before either, but my wife pushed me away, allowed no contact (no hand holding, no touching of any kind) but her needs were still present, so she went out and had her needs fulfilled elsewhere by a stranger.

Forcefulness has no place in sex or anywhere else, and I can fully see how that would be a turn off, but if it is all about trust, then how can a total stranger fit the bill?

~Moog


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

*Re: What's going on here?*



MarkTwain said:


> questionme2-
> 
> I always try to read people's other threads before replying.
> 
> ...


that is very interesting. :scratchhead:


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

moogvo said:


> Forcefulness has no place in sex or anywhere else, and I can fully see how that would be a turn off, but if it is all about trust, then how can a total stranger fit the bill?
> 
> ~Moog


Because until they've screw'd up, there's no history of negatives. It's the devil you *don't* know.


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

Mark,

I guess what it is that I am saying there is that it is better to accept the arms that you have committed to, rather than to seek those of a stranger.

~Moog


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## Sweetray30 (Dec 6, 2010)

In all honesty some men just deal with life and stress through sex. My husband is one of them. His dad passed in March and his sexual need has become rediculous. However, I just go with it and if I don't feel like it then that's the way it is. I do have to say that sometimes if you take thier point of view, sex does help. Don't look at it as a test to your relationship. Just get aggressive and take "your" aggression out on him! If you don't over think it you might feel better.


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## julia71 (Oct 25, 2010)

moogvo said:


> Mark,
> 
> I guess what it is that I am saying there is that it is better to accept the arms that you have committed to, rather than to seek those of a stranger.
> 
> ~Moog



You are correct, in that cheating is not ok. However, just because you are married, does not mean that sex is a requirement. I am not currently having sex with my husband. However, my situation is a bit different. We are separated because he was an emotionally abusive alcoholic who recently became physically abusive - so he had to leave, thus the separation. I do not know yet if our marriage will continue. But I can tell you that there is NO WAY I am interested in sex with him at this time. I CANNOT be intimate with him because there are enormous trust, respect and love issues. Should I decide to give this marriage a go, sex is NOT #1 on the list to fix, I'm sorry, but there are other more important things to fix before sex can happen - without trust, respect and love, there can't be sex.


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## Kat777 (Dec 8, 2010)

Blanca said:


> I am really sorry about your father. I lost my dad when i was younger. I know how hard it is.
> 
> As far as your H's reaction, my H is kind of like this, too. He just doesnt get it. I was talking to my brother the other day, who is an alcoholic, and it is very upsetting to me. i was visibly distraught. my H thought that was a good time to want sex. very random.
> 
> ...


:iagree:exactly. my husband has told me he hates when i cry during a fight, because it turns him on, so i always win so he can skip to the makeupsec part of things, lol, men are strange creatures, and something about vulnerability gets them crazy


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