# I cheated and am in love



## branD78 (Aug 27, 2012)

Hi. This is my first post, I've read several posts since finding this forum but have not contributed. 

About 3 months ago I got a request on LinkedIn from a guy that I'd gone out with before meeting my husband. We had a great first date and it was the most amazing kissing at the end of the date (probably for an hour). I saw him again once, but then busy work schedules kept us from seeing each other again and by the time we were able to get together again, I'd already met my now husband. Two years went by with no contact until this past April. We exchanged a few simple emails, then became Facebook friends, then exchanged numbers. It was all very friendly and innocent. Eventually it got more than friendly with risque text messages. I thought it was safe because he was moving out of state to live with his girlfriend. My husband and I attended his going away party and that's when things took a turn. My husband got really drunk (not uncommon) and decided to go to the bar with a few others at the party. I stayed behind and eventually OM and I ended up in a bedroom together. We did not have sex that night, but there was other physical contact. I saw him once more just to say goodbye before he left. Once he left I decided to focus on my marriage, but then something happened that turned my world upside down, OM came back, after one month because the gf kicked him out. I saw him a few times, the last of which was going out of town for a concert with him and telling my husband. 

My husband is now aware of our affair, has a broken hand from punching a wall when he found out, and has forgiven me and begged me not to leave. We have begun seeing a marriage counselor and my husband has requested that I no longer have contact with the OM. My problem is, even though I try denying it to my husband and self, I know in my heart I am in love with the OM. I can't have sex with my husband and I feel like I'm living a lie. I still speak to OM but have not seen him again. He won't tell me his feelings towards me because he doesn't want to influence my decision of whether I want to stay and work on my marriage or leave. 

Sorry this ended up so long, I'm just looking for advice or for others that have found themselves in this type of situation. There's much more to the story, I was very unhappy for several months and I have not yet been married a year yet. And insight or words of advice would be greatly appreciated.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

branD78 said:


> Hi. This is my first post, I've read several posts since finding this forum but have not contributed.
> 
> About 3 months ago I got a request on LinkedIn from a guy that I'd gone out with before meeting my husband. We had a great first date and it was the most amazing kissing at the end of the date (probably for an hour). I saw him again once, but then busy work schedules kept us from seeing each other again and by the time we were able to get together again, I'd already met my now husband. Two years went by with no contact until this past April. We exchanged a few simple emails, then became Facebook friends, then exchanged numbers. It was all very friendly and innocent. Eventually it got more than friendly with risque text messages. I thought it was safe because he was moving out of state to live with his girlfriend. My husband and I attended his going away party and that's when things took a turn. My husband got really drunk (not uncommon) and decided to go to the bar with a few others at the party. I stayed behind and eventually OM and I ended up in a bedroom together. We did not have sex that night, but there was other physical contact. I saw him once more just to say goodbye before he left. Once he left I decided to focus on my marriage, but then something happened that turned my world upside down, OM came back, after one month because the gf kicked him out. I saw him a few times, the last of which was going out of town for a concert with him and telling my husband.
> 
> ...


Cut your losses. File for divorce. Allow you H to be free to find someone else who will love him as he deserves.


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## branD78 (Aug 27, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> You are right. True love overcomes everything. You should leave your H for the OM. He is your soul mate. Your H does not deserve you. Better leave your H now before you end up having kids and have him involved all your life. /s
> 
> *How old are you, H and the OM?[/*QUOTE]
> 
> I am 33, my husband is 29, OM is 39.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Divorce your husband now. He doesn't know it, but that is the best and kindest thing you could ever do for him.

Edit: Better yet. Have the marriage annulled. Less than a year of marriage - it could be possible.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Agree with the consensus here. The OM is your true soulmate..... he understands you more than your husband ever could....... yada yada. Let your husband find a more deserving wife.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> Divorce your husband now. He doesn't know it, but that is the best and kindest thing you could ever do for him.



:iagree:

The obvious advice would be to stop seeing the OM and confess to her BS, however, my hunch is that she is not prepared to listen and doesn't love her BS.

The kindest thing to do is to divorce and let her BS be free.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

You don't even sound sorry at all. Not one thing in your post says you even care. I have no idea what it is you expect from us.

Your husband is hurting like his best friend died. And you are only concerned about yourself.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

branD78 said:


> warlock07 said:
> 
> 
> > You are right. True love overcomes everything. You should leave your H for the OM. He is your soul mate. Your H does not deserve you. Better leave your H now before you end up having kids and have him involved all your life. /s
> ...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Have you cut your husband off from sex because you feel you would be cheating on your OM?


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

That is not love, that is fog, aka confusion, cloudiness. If there was inappropriate touching, kissing, oral involved than that is cheating. You have clouded your mind. What you have is limerence! You are not in love with the OM, you are in love with the IDEA of being with him and being his and him yours.


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## branD78 (Aug 27, 2012)

I've not cut my husband off because I feel I'd be cheating. And I am sorry for what I did. I realize this is the internet and people will say whatever they want and have the right to judge me harshly since I put it out there. And I'm not trying to justify my actions. I was unhappy, I got caught up in something I shouldn't have because it made me feel better about myself. My husband DOES deserve a better wife, but for some reason he loves me and wants to make it work with me. But I don't know how to shut off the feelings for the OM. 

I get that I am a horrible person and did a horrible thing, nobody needs to remind me of that fact. I was only hoping I might find people here that may have been in a similar situation, that was all.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Don't stay with H out of pity. It is the worst thing you can do to him.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Gee....I wonder why his girlfriend kicked him out after one month?  And now he's messing around with a married woman. Yeah, this guy's a real winner.

This guy as no respect for you. If he did, he would have respected the fact that you are a married woman and that you have a husband that YOU promised your heart and soul to him and him alone.

So, if you end up with the OM, I don't see you lasting too long with him. There's a reason his girlfriend kicked him out, you just don't see it yet. Or she probably threw him out because of you!

Then, you'll be kicking yourself in the ass for letting your husband go. A guy who truely loved you and begged for you not to go.


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

You want to shut off the feelings for the other man. You draft a no contact letter to him. Have your husband okay it. In the letter, you admit that what you done to your husband is terrible. You own the affair. Then, he sends it to the OM.

You abide by NC for life. It doesn't mean just not seeing the OM. You stop talking to him. You reinvest in your husband. Text your husband. Do things for your husband.

Also, if you do not think you can do this. You let your husband go. Do not drag out the hurt. Do not trickle-truth him. If he asks about something, you tell him the full truth of it. Remember, honesty but not brutal honesty.

What you have with the OM is not real. It is not love. It is a rush, and you are like an addict. If the OM cheated with you, he shows you how he values a marriage. He will cheat on you.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So what do you want? Because the posts youve made sure sound like you want your husband out of the picture do you can move your OM in.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The fact that you are still talking to the OM shows you really do not care how much you hurt your husband. You are still having the affair, you just are taking a break from having sex with the OM.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Personally, OP, I think you should "follow your bliss", and leave your husband for your true love. You never let go of the OM, or truly loved your husband anyway, so why should you care?


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

branD78 said:


> I've not cut my husband off because I feel I'd be cheating. And I am sorry for what I did. I realize this is the internet and people will say whatever they want and have the right to judge me harshly since I put it out there. And I'm not trying to justify my actions. I was unhappy, I got caught up in something I shouldn't have because it made me feel better about myself. My husband DOES deserve a better wife, but for some reason he loves me and wants to make it work with me. But I don't know how to shut off the feelings for the OM.
> 
> I get that I am a horrible person and did a horrible thing, nobody needs to remind me of that fact. I was only hoping I might find people here that may have been in a similar situation, that was all.


Look, we can only evaluate what's written in your posts. And your posts STILL don't show remorse at all (whether thats' true or not). You say you are sorry for what you did, but it goes beyond that. True remorse is doing everything you need to do to help your husband heal from this.

Right now, your posts are only focused on how to figure out what to do with the OM. If you truly want to stay married, you cut off all contact with him, go through the withdrawal pains, suffer, and do some serious heavy lifting for your husband.

You are in what they call a "fog", which is caused by the chemicals in your brain that occur with affairs, falling in love, etc. These are not based in reality, but playing with your mind. You are addicted, just like every other cheater. Your #1 goal is to cure yourself of this addiction by going cold turkey.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Badblood said:


> Personally, OP, I think you should "follow your bliss", and leave your husband for your true love. You never let go of the OM, or truly loved your husband anyway, so why should you care?


'
Better yet, leave your husband and take a sabbatical away from your "soul mate" and try dating about twenty different guys. Who knows? Maybe you will find that a different guy can make you forget about your SM.
My ex is still trying to find the guy who can "fill that void" since our break up and she's already on number twelve in spite of trying to get me to "take her back" three different times.:rofl:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

branD78 said:


> I've not cut my husband off because I feel I'd be cheating. And I am sorry for what I did. I realize this is the internet and people will say whatever they want and have the right to judge me harshly since I put it out there. And I'm not trying to justify my actions. I was unhappy, I got caught up in something I shouldn't have because it made me feel better about myself. My husband DOES deserve a better wife, but for some reason he loves me and wants to make it work with me. But I don't know how to shut off the feelings for the OM.
> 
> I get that I am a horrible person and did a horrible thing, nobody needs to remind me of that fact. I was only hoping I might find people here that may have been in a similar situation, that was all.


No, you are NOT a horrible person. You did a horrible thing, but you can do the right thing and *YOU* can be the better wife your husband deserves. If you want to...:smthumbup:


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

branD78 said:


> I've not cut my husband off because I feel I'd be cheating.


That is a ridiculous definition of cheating. Cheating doesn't mean messing around with another man AND cutting your husband off. It just means messing around with another man.



branD78 said:


> And I am sorry for what I did.


Good. You're not a psychopath. There may be hope for you and your marriage.



branD78 said:


> But I don't know how to shut off the feelings for the OM.


You make a conscious decision to shut off your feelings. It will take a while. The first step is to cut off all contact. Once he's removed from your life, some distance will help you realize that he wasn't perfect. Remember how you felt about your first crush when you were a teenager? And how do feel about that kid today? Probably not the same, right? It's the same concept at work.



branD78 said:


> I get that I am a horrible person and did a horrible thing, nobody needs to remind me of that fact. I was only hoping I might find people here that may have been in a similar situation, that was all.


Many here have been in that situation. But they've been in it from your husband's perspective.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

branD78 said:


> Hi. This is my first post, I've read several posts since finding this forum but have not contributed.
> 
> About 3 months ago I got a request on LinkedIn from a guy that I'd gone out with before meeting my husband. We had a great first date and it was the most amazing kissing at the end of the date (probably for an hour). I saw him again once, but then busy work schedules kept us from seeing each other again and by the time we were able to get together again, I'd already met my now husband. Two years went by with no contact until this past April. We exchanged a few simple emails, then became Facebook friends, then exchanged numbers. It was all very friendly and innocent. Eventually it got more than friendly with risque text messages. I thought it was safe because he was moving out of state to live with his girlfriend. My husband and I attended his going away party and that's when things took a turn. My husband got really drunk (not uncommon) and decided to go to the bar with a few others at the party. I stayed behind and eventually OM and I ended up in a bedroom together. We did not have sex that night, but there was other physical contact. I saw him once more just to say goodbye before he left. Once he left I decided to focus on my marriage, but then something happened that turned my world upside down, OM came back, after one month because the gf kicked him out. I saw him a few times, the last of which was going out of town for a concert with him and telling my husband.
> 
> ...


I think this post should be sticky.
It's the perfect example of false R and every new BS should read it to have an idea what goes on in WS's mind.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

branD78 said:


> My husband DOES deserve a better wife, but for some reason he loves me and wants to make it work with me.


You say he deserves a better wife, yet you can't let him go and tell him that you're not the wife he deserves? 

Help him get out of this blindness. And do not act with words, but with actions.

I'll give you an idea. 
Leave the thread open on purpose, get up from the computer and let him find out about this thread suddenly.
Then show him the hidden continuing affair and all the messages that you and OM are still exchanging. 

This way he will INDEED understand that he's been wasting his time.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

If "feeling like you would be cheating" is not the reason you cut your husband off sexually, then what is? You said in the original post that you can't have sex with your husband, so there must be a reason for it. I suspect that the reason is that you are loyal to your other man, even if you are not willing to admit it.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

branD78 said:


> I've not cut my husband off because I feel I'd be cheating. And I am sorry for what I did. I realize this is the internet and people will say whatever they want and have the right to judge me harshly since I put it out there. And I'm not trying to justify my actions. I was unhappy, I got caught up in something I shouldn't have because it made me feel better about myself. My husband DOES deserve a better wife, but for some reason he loves me and wants to make it work with me. But I don't know how to shut off the feelings for the OM.
> 
> I get that I am a horrible person and did a horrible thing, nobody needs to remind me of that fact. I was only hoping I might find people here that may have been in a similar situation, that was all.


You said your husband loves you & wants to make it work.

Were you hoping that he would let you go to make it easier for you to be with the OM that you are in love with?

Are you looking for advice from people that had an unhappy short marriage, cheated & the result, ie, divorce, etc.?

It is possible you never really loved your husband & the marriage was a (big) mistake. Could that be the case because you do say you have been unhappy.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Read EmptyInside's original thread.She is a WW who came here and though she took some flack in the beginning,she stuck around and now she and her H are making some good headway in their R.What do you want to do...fight for your marriage or move on?


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

oaksthorne said:


> Are you serious? If not you must remember that a person who behaves like this probably isn't up on irony.


Oh believe me.
Half of the posts in this thread are sarcastic.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

I was thinking more like 75%


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

branD78 said:


> I've not cut my husband off because I feel I'd be cheating. And I am sorry for what I did. I realize this is the internet and people will say whatever they want and have the right to judge me harshly since I put it out there. And I'm not trying to justify my actions. I was unhappy, I got caught up in something I shouldn't have because it made me feel better about myself. My husband DOES deserve a better wife, but for some reason he loves me and wants to make it work with me. But I don't know how to shut off the feelings for the OM.
> 
> I get that I am a horrible person and did a horrible thing, nobody needs to remind me of that fact. I was only hoping I might find people here that may have been in a similar situation, that was all.


Here's the thing... as long as you are still in contact with the OM, the affair is still active, no matter what you try to say contrary to that fact. You want to show your husband that you are truly remorseful? Drop the OM immediately. If you are unwilling to do that, then leave your husband so he can find a woman who won't cheat on him. You ARE trying to justify it, whether you want to admit it or not. 

Look, either you never loved your husband or you don't love the OM. I'm more inclined to believe that you are in love with the IDEA of the OM. You think things are gonna be so wonderful with him. Think about this: he cheated on his (then) gf with you... what makes you think he won't do the same to you?

FTR, you may not have had penetrative sex, but sexual contact of ANY kind counts as sex... you cheated. 

*smh*


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Sad thing is you won't know you made a terrible mistake until you've destroyed your marriage by going to live w OM. But then it will be too late.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Several posts have already been removed. More will follow.
If your contribution simply MUST be in the form of a sarcastic comment or personal attack, you will be banned.

This is your friendly warning.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BranD, you might like to take a look at this thread. I honestly think (and hope) that it could be of help to you!
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...counter-you-need-someone-better-you-line.html


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Less than year married.
Affair takes 2-3 years of recovery.

If your husband loves you even now. A man that loved you and would probably have made you feel loved all your life. 
You lost a good man. Swapped him for an lyer and cheat who wanted a bit of young flesh on the side.

i am sure he was wise and worldy. I'm 48 and the number of 30 year old chicks that hit on me is bizarre. I think they see cool detachment and the 1000 yard stare. [swoon] 
Actually I am just knackered and flattered. In that order.

Open your eyes. It is all there to see.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> Oh believe me.
> Half of the posts in this thread are sarcastic.


And very good sarcasm, I must say :smthumbup:


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

BranD78

You and the OM certainly deserve each other.

And your husband deserves a wife who loves him, respects him and does not cheat. 

Give the guy a break. Divorce him and live happily ever after.

(the last bit was sarcasm also)


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

branD78 said:


> I got caught up in something I shouldn't have because it made me feel better about myself. My husband DOES deserve a better wife, but for some reason he loves me and wants to make it work with me. But I don't know how to shut off the feelings for the OM.


Read the link in my sig. 

Thats what your going through, it's simple chemicals. Put simply, your on drugs.

without roasting you for choices you've already made or giving you any opinions about your marriage...

I'll answer a simple question. Assuming you do want the answer... 

You said: *"I dont know how to shut off the feelings"*

Well these feelings are driven by nuerochemicals in your mind. Namely Dopamine, thats the driver... the motivator.. It's the addicted, can't stop feeling...

So... Stop the dopamine, clear the fog right?

How do I stop the dopamine? The simple answer would be SEROTONIN.

whenever serotonin levels are raised dopamine levels fall and vice versa.

If you don't want to find drugs to help you do this...

These are some natural things to try that can help raise serotonin levels so the dopamine levels fall.... 

1. Serotonin levels are increased by a carbohydrate rich diet.

2. Eat the kinds of protein that favor serotonin production

3. All meditative activities raise serotonin levels

4. Engage in exercise that increases your heart rate somewhat but not significantly.

5. Have a regular wake sleep cycle.

6.. Get out in the sun at least 30 minutes in the morning and for 2 hours throughout the day.

7. Eat a meal with high level of proteins that contain tryptophan and follow that by a carbohydrate snack about two hours later.

This will act to drive the lingering tryptophan into the brain and set up the production of greater amounts of serotonin the next day.

8. Do things that revitalize you and make you feel good.

Take a low activity, high relaxation vacation with your family or by yourself with plenty of time to slow down.

Listen to classical music, light rock, folk or easy listening music.

Visit a museum, go to the theater, the symphony, or watch TV or films about love stories, comedies and other feel good movies


Give that a try... or don't. That's up to you.

I assure you this is not going to end well if you dont get your head out of your a$$ very soon. 

Good luck.


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## Labcoat (Aug 12, 2012)

branD78 said:


> My problem is, even though I try denying it to my husband and self, I know in my heart I am in love with the OM.


When OM buys you tampons, does he know what brand to get? When you criticize him (the OM) does he handle it better than your husband? Last time you weren't in the mood, how did OM react? Last time you farted, how did OM react?


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

lovelygirl said:


> Oh believe me.
> Half of the posts in this thread are sarcastic.


Less than that now that the moderators have cleaned house.

I'm not sure if we're allowed to suggest that infidelity is immoral. I'll try not to go there.

So ... do what you want, OP.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Without a hint of sarcasm, your husband deserves a chance to be happy. You are not on that picture. Please divorce him since he lacks the backbone to dump you faster than light.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

File and go chase your true love. Your husband deserves someone you loves him and that it clearly not you. Sounds like everyone benefits this way.


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## Kris171194 (Aug 28, 2012)

I think it would be fair to file for the divorce, as some have already said. Your husband will get over it eventually. The most important thing you can do after that point is NOT get into another relationship. 

The feelings you have for the OM are actually fueled by endorphins. They are produced to inhibit your amygdala; thus, making you feel safe and really good. They are the closest thing our brain produces that mimics opiates (i.e. morphine, opium, heroin.. etc). If you were to get into a long term relationship with the other man, it could end after you are no longer excited enough with him to produce the endorphins to which you have become accustomed. 

This could develop into a pattern similar to how an addict develops. Depending on your resistance to addictive tendencies, you could find yourself leaving Mr. Right after about a year for another Mr. Right.

In a nut shell: if you leave your husband, don't be sexually active for at least 2 months. After that point, if you could control yourself, then you should be able to regulate your sexual appetite. This will be a good piece of mind for you to learn from and live out as future meaningful relationships present themselves.

Don't deny the chemistry that is going on in your body. It could be the only reason you feel anything for the other man.


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## still4ever (Aug 28, 2012)

I kinda understand what you are going through in a sense! But if you are truely sorry & you think that the love affair is an option but you know deep down your husband is the one you lost sight of for a while & want him back then you have a tough road ahead of you. I am proud of you for telling your husband & if he is willing to try to forgive you then keep him. You married him & not your ex for a reason.....Sorry, it goes against what everyone else is saying. FYI I didn't read the entire blog either


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Should I ever decide to enter another long term relationship and, at the same time become a cheater, I hope to find a spouse who will want me in spite of my infidelity when I profess my "love" for the other woman.
(of course neither the long term relationship nor the infidelity are likely to ever occur.)


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

If you have no kids or even major assets together, do your husband the biggest favour ever, and divorce him. You've proven that when the chips are down he cannot count on you. There's no reason to stay, and unless he cheats, you'll never be equals, why bother then?


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## LockeCPM4 (Jul 11, 2012)

SadandAngry said:


> If you have no kids or even major assets together, do your husband the biggest favour ever, and divorce him. You've proven that when the chips are down he cannot count on you. There's no reason to stay, and unless he cheats, you'll never be equals, why bother then?


I strongly disagree. I personally have seen relationships where cheating has occured. It is painful to the spouse who got cheated on, but I have seen couples work past it. It is amazing what unconditional love can help a couple get through.

The only requirement is that the partner who messed up has to be truly remorseful and turn away from their mistakes, and the spouse who was cheated on has to decide if it is worth it to forgive or not.

I have had a couple of people talk to be about forgiveness in my relationship (not sure if any of you follow my thread, but I am separated from my W).

The biggest thing that hit home was when I asked "When is enough enough? When does it stop being worth it?"
The answer i got was "What is your wife worth to you?"


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## LockeCPM4 (Jul 11, 2012)

branD78 said:


> But I don't know how to shut off the feelings for the OM.
> .


OK, take it from a guy that has been in similar shoes. The way you end it is by cutting him off completely. Don't half-ass it, don't try and put him in the friend zone, just cut him out of your life cold turkey. And don't kid yourself or make excuses. he is either in or he is out. It will hurt for a while, but it sounds like you love your husband, and since he sounds like he wants to make things work, you owe him at least that much.

____________________________________________

And I really don't understand the lack of objectivity many of you are showing.

Why do people think that marriage is something you can just throw away if your true "soul mate" comes along, or if things get too hard and you decide you are done?

THAT IS NOT HOW MARRIAGE IS SUPPOSED TO WORK PEOPLE.

And as far as mistakes are concerned, there is almost no mistake that is unforgivable between a husband and wife if they truly love each other. I am not saying it is easy, and trust is a hard thing to fix, but it can be done.

It makes me sick that people think marriage is dating with an informal contract that you can just break when things get too rough, or someone comes along that makes your heart flutter a little.

BranD, you messed up bad. You broke a vow, and that is no small thing. But let me advise you of something you may not have considered about this OM. If a man will cheat with you, don't be surprised if he cheats on you. And don't think that you will ever have mutual trust. He knows you cheated on your H to be with him...

If you want to fix your marriage, then you do what you can for your part. Be sincerely sorry, and give your H space. You must have no contact with the OM, or it won't work. And if your H gives you another chance, DO NOT CHEAT AGAIN.

If he doesn't forgive you there is nothing you can do, but accept it and move on, but it sounds like there is a chance if you ask me.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

branD78, you are probably a bit annoyed at some of the answers you are getting. Let me try and be a bit gentle here.

The first thing is you have to decide how committed you are to marriage. It really looks like you want the thrill of first love, and you can't have that and be married. It doesn't matter who you marry, at some stage you are going to meet someone else who seems more attractive. That's how humans are. So if you leave for the other man, then you will leave him later.

The second thing is that you need to work on your relationship skills. It seems the first marriage went bad pretty quickly. Do you feel it was all your husband's fault, or that you did the wrong thing as well? If it was all your husband, what is it that you didn't see coming before marriage? You played some part in this breakdown. What was it?

Here is some reading for you:

Infidelity, Cheating Wives - Women's Infidelity This one explains the cycle you are in, and why if you change partners now it will all happen again later. As others have said, you are under the influence of dopamine, and while you have contact with the other man your feelings are going to continue.

The Lazy Way to Stay in Love | Psychology Today This one is about bonding and how to work on long term bonding. It was helpful for me, but may not be for you since you got in to trouble so quickly. But basically you have to make the time to share affection with your partner and do things that bond you. 

Hope this helps. Don't be scared away, ask questions.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Those replies about the "soulmate" bulls&8t are sarcastic and mocking Locke, because on some level that's what they deserve. The day after my confrontation day, less than 12 hours after I demanded she choose me or choose to break it off, she wrote to the OM saying she wished he did not accept that the affair had to end, that he was her soulmate, maybe even that he was the only person that really understood her. Please, give me a break, that drivel is from so deep in a brain chemical haze it is worse than ridiculous. But you know what? The cheaters actually believe it, and the APs fully take advantage of it. The OP came in looking for advice, and some of it might actually be useful to her, if she can get her head back on straight, but she seems to have set off a lot of triggers for people, admittedly including me. No big surprise there, considering the nature of the forum.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

There is another reason besides sarcasm to agree with someone who is cheating. here is my two bob psychology.

The person having the affair knows on a deep level that is wrong. I don't mean in a moral sense, but that it does not fit with how they see themselves. There is something wrong but.. Hmmm ,what is it???

There is a way out from this feeling though, it is to create drama for all those around you, your friends, your partner of course and the general Internet community,

"Quick something is broken on the Internet. Just fixing it."

The more of that there is the less you have to look at yourself, your actions and the 50 shades of ****e your life is turning.

By encouraging the AP to do what the hell they like while gently pointing out that perhaps, just maybe, what they are genuinely feeling is not a reflection of reality. yes, yes, reality is perception, but really most of us live in an agreed reality where people try not to cheat and genuinely do the right thing, but in cheater reality the whole world is suddenly turned inside out and whoosh, down the rabbit hole they go.

What are we doing ?
We are Letting the Hell Go and that is exactly what we would be telling this Posters Husband to do.


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## branD78 (Aug 27, 2012)

Thank you to those of you that actually responded with ADVICE and not judgement. I honestly don't care what a bunch of strangers on the internet think of me, and I am actually quite intelligent and was well aware of the sarcastic comments. 

I am not looking to make excuses for what I've done. I AM remorseful despite what some may think. Maybe I am in a fog and am not in love with the OM. My head has been swimming in so many directions I barely know which way is up. I thought I might find some people here that would be understanding, and there have been a few. I don't condone what I did, I'm not running away with the OM. My H and I have sought counseling, we are working on the problems that we had before any of this ever started, and we are trying to heal from this together. I have decided to end all contact with the OM. The responses here have opened my eyes to see that it is something I must do in order to have any chance at saving my marriage.

I will not leave my husband. He has chosen to stand by me through this, he took a vow and, unlike me, he is not breaking it. We have a lot of work to do on ourselves and our union, but I have strong faith that this may bring us closer together in the end. I won't run away, I will stick around this forum because obviously, there's not a whole lot of support for the ones that make the mistakes. I'm human, I did something horrible, but I have learned from it and I hope that if there's ever somebody that comes here looking for advice or support, I can be sympathetic to them and offer honest advice, instead of being sarcastic or simply stating "get divorced".


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

In your first post you said you were in love with the OM. That's what stated the sarcasm.

This last post is something else. If you had conveyed this info earlier you would have gotten different responses, IMHO.

I hope you are sincere. If you are, I wish you well.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

branD78 said:


> We have begun seeing a marriage counselor and my husband has requested that I no longer have contact with the OM. *My problem is, even though I try denying it to my husband and self, I know in my heart I am in love with the OM. I can't have sex with my husband and I feel like I'm living a lie. * I still speak to OM but have not seen him again.


Get a divorce. It's no fair to your husband to string him along if you say you are "in love" with the OM.

Also, stop going to mariage counselling because you are still having an affair. There is no point in going if you aren't going to be honest about your intentions.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I think that going NC with the OM is the right thing to do. It's the only way to give your husband a fair shot. He can't compete with a fantasy.


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## branD78 (Aug 27, 2012)

delhiprincess said:


> I ensure you no one being sarcastic but all saying the truth.
> they ment what they said, "divorce your husband" is the only solution to save your husband from humilation and make him happier with another person so you couldnt do that and still in love with OM.
> we have seen many cheaters here or all of them asking for help to please their betrayed spouse, asking what steps to help healing their spouses, *but you been asking about yourself not how to fix your relation with your husband or how to make your husband heal and feel secure again*.
> the OM like any man walking on this earth, sweet talker, nice, just to get into you then dump after he gets bored.
> ...


I need to heal myself before I am any good to my husband. That is the only reason I asked anything.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

branD78 said:


> Thank you to those of you that actually responded with ADVICE and not judgement. I honestly don't care what a bunch of strangers on the internet think of me, and I am actually quite intelligent and was well aware of the sarcastic comments.
> 
> I am not looking to make excuses for what I've done. I AM remorseful despite what some may think. Maybe I am in a fog and am not in love with the OM. My head has been swimming in so many directions I barely know which way is up. I thought I might find some people here that would be understanding, and there have been a few. I don't condone what I did, I'm not running away with the OM. My H and I have sought counseling, we are working on the problems that we had before any of this ever started, and we are trying to heal from this together. I have decided to end all contact with the OM. The responses here have opened my eyes to see that it is something I must do in order to have any chance at saving my marriage.
> 
> I will not leave my husband. He has chosen to stand by me through this, he took a vow and, unlike me, he is not breaking it. We have a lot of work to do on ourselves and our union, but I have strong faith that this may bring us closer together in the end. I won't run away, I will stick around this forum because obviously, there's not a whole lot of support for the ones that make the mistakes. I'm human, I did something horrible, but I have learned from it and I hope that if there's ever somebody that comes here looking for advice or support, I can be sympathetic to them and offer honest advice, instead of being sarcastic or simply stating "get divorced".


Get out, separate and be single for a while. Just don't stay with him out of guilt. You are not doing anyone a favor. You just don't cheat one year into the marriage. Have you cheated in your relationships before this ?


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## branD78 (Aug 27, 2012)

No, I have not cheated in my prior relationships. I'm not staying out of guilt, I couldn't do that to either one of us.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

branD78 said:


> Thank you to those of you that actually responded with ADVICE and not judgement. I honestly don't care what a bunch of strangers on the internet think of me, and I am actually quite intelligent and was well aware of the sarcastic comments.
> 
> I am not looking to make excuses for what I've done. I AM remorseful despite what some may think. Maybe I am in a fog and am not in love with the OM. My head has been swimming in so many directions I barely know which way is up. I thought I might find some people here that would be understanding, and there have been a few. I don't condone what I did, I'm not running away with the OM. My H and I have sought counseling, we are working on the problems that we had before any of this ever started, and we are trying to heal from this together. I have decided to end all contact with the OM. The responses here have opened my eyes to see that it is something I must do in order to have any chance at saving my marriage.
> 
> I will not leave my husband. He has chosen to stand by me through this, he took a vow and, unlike me, he is not breaking it. We have a lot of work to do on ourselves and our union, but I have strong faith that this may bring us closer together in the end. I won't run away, I will stick around this forum because obviously, there's not a whole lot of support for the ones that make the mistakes. I'm human, I did something horrible, but I have learned from it and I hope that if there's ever somebody that comes here looking for advice or support, I can be sympathetic to them and offer honest advice, instead of being sarcastic or simply stating "get divorced".


Are you working on a no contact letter? 
Maybe change your phone number too so OM can't reach you. Put your FB page on lockdown also or just get rid of it completely.

I get that a lot of the responses weren't what you had hoped they'd be but this IS a very supportive group and most of them have been through pure hell.The defensiveness you exude here is showing everyone that you're not as sorry as you are trying to make everyone believe.They ARE offering you honest advice by telling you to get a divorce.Not everyone delivers advice in a caring,sweet,kind package like you'd want them to. 

You are having an affair and therefore need a wakeup call slap in the face not a group therapy session where we all sing songs and tell you it's going to be ok. 
I hope for the sake of your marriage you aren't this defensive when your husband begins cornering you with the really tough questions and requests because he will and how you react will determine how your R goes.
If you're honestly and truly feeling in love with this OM then chances of false R are very high.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

brand78, if the creep with whom you were cheating with is your "soul mate", then your ONLY reason for wanting to stay with your H is financial. It happens all the time in the cheating world.
You may care about your making your H sad, but when all is said and done, you care no more about his feelings than you would about the guy who lives across the street should he discover his wife doing the same thing.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

This reminds me of something I read yestereday online.

It was about a woman who was engaged to her fiance and had recently met up with an old flame/"friend" who kissed her and she was sayin she had feelings for the flame and wanted to know what to do.

Nearly everyone told her not to get married, especially if she had feelings for someone else. 

BranD--you may not like people telling you to get a divorce but think about it--if you are ruly in love with the OM as you say, it is so incredibly selfish to stay married to a man who does in fact love you when you love another. It's completely unfair. And you know it. Which is why you got defensive. 

You know you are being selfish.

And flip this--what if it was your husband who met up with someone and had been cheating behind your back and you found out about it and he was stil going to MC with you yet telling you he ended contact with OW? And saying he was "in love" with the OW. Would you want to go to marriage counselling with someone who was still cheating on you? Would you want to stay married to a man who said he was in love with another woman?


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## branD78 (Aug 27, 2012)

I am being defensive, you are right, but that doesn't mean I am not sorry. I've told H of my feelings for OM, he is well aware. He is also standing by me and letting me try to figure things out. He knows that we cannot stay together if I am not willing to end contact with OM. I have chosen to do that.

I don't think divorce is the answer to everything, I do believe that if two people love each other unconditionally, they can work through these kinds of things. I can't honestly say what I would do if the situation were reversed and my H cheated on me. I think in time I would forgive him, but I would be damaged, just as I know I've damaged him.


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## The bishop (Aug 19, 2012)

branD78 said:


> Thank you to those of you that actually responded with ADVICE and not judgement. I honestly don't care what a bunch of strangers on the internet think of me, and I am actually quite intelligent and was well aware of the sarcastic comments.
> 
> I am not looking to make excuses for what I've done. I AM remorseful despite what some may think. Maybe I am in a fog and am not in love with the OM. My head has been swimming in so many directions I barely know which way is up. I thought I might find some people here that would be understanding, and there have been a few. I don't condone what I did, I'm not running away with the OM. My H and I have sought counseling, we are working on the problems that we had before any of this ever started, and we are trying to heal from this together. I have decided to end all contact with the OM. The responses here have opened my eyes to see that it is something I must do in order to have any chance at saving my marriage.
> 
> I will not leave my husband. He has chosen to stand by me through this, he took a vow and, unlike me, he is not breaking it. We have a lot of work to do on ourselves and our union, but I have strong faith that this may bring us closer together in the end. I won't run away, I will stick around this forum because obviously, there's not a whole lot of support for the ones that make the mistakes. I'm human, I did something horrible, but I have learned from it and I hope that if there's ever somebody that comes here looking for advice or support, I can be sympathetic to them and offer honest advice, instead of being sarcastic or simply stating "get divorced".


First off, do you have any children with H? That is important cause if you do, they should be your main focus on all of this. You don’t want to wake up from the fog one day, and realize you ruined your family. 
If there aren’t any children involved, why keep being miserable and making your H miserable, life is too short. 
I have been the OM and I can tell you from my experience that everything you have and the feelings involved is not as real as you think. When reality finally strikes, and it will, you realize that the OM isn’t your true love, but just a guy, who cheats, and will probably cheat again on you when the ho-hum of life together sets in. I know what you are feeling now is so real, but it isn’t, it is a fantasy. Affairs are like addiction, and you are an addict, remember that. 
The odds are against you and the OM living a life together happily, I know you think you can, but you are still feeling high from something new and exciting. Your relationship is based on deceit, selfishness, and lies. That is never a good recipe for starting any relationship, let alone a long lasting one. 
Good Luck


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

branD78 said:


> I am being defensive, you are right, but that doesn't mean I am not sorry. I've told H of my feelings for OM, he is well aware. He is also standing by me and letting me try to figure things out. He knows that we cannot stay together if I am not willing to end contact with OM. I have chosen to do that.
> 
> I don't think divorce is the answer to everything,* I do believe that if two people love each other unconditionally, *they can work through these kinds of things. I can't honestly say what I would do if the situation were reversed and my H cheated on me. I think in time I would forgive him, but I would be damaged, just as I know I've damaged him.



Unconditional love, Soulmates are words of the ignorant and naive. There are no such things.

Did it not occur to you during the affair? What was the mindset then? How did you lose the minimum respect for your H? What was your end plan during the affair?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

branD78 said:


> I am being defensive, you are right, but that doesn't mean I am not sorry. I've told H of my feelings for OM, he is well aware. He is also standing by me and letting me try to figure things out. He knows that we cannot stay together if I am not willing to end contact with OM. I have chosen to do that.
> 
> I don't think divorce is the answer to everything, I do believe that if two people love each other unconditionally, they can work through these kinds of things. I can't honestly say what I would do if the situation were reversed and my H cheated on me. I think in time I would forgive him, but I would be damaged, just as I know I've damaged him.


In all fairness no one said divorce is the answer to everything.But realistically speaking,when someone comes here in a heavy fog saying they are in love with OM,divorce is honestly the only reasonable option because no amount of therapy and talking will pull you out of the fog.

Defensiveness is a sign of immaturity and lack of remorse.Defensiveness has no place in the recovery process.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

branD78 said:


> I am being defensive, you are right, but that doesn't mean I am not sorry. I've told H of my feelings for OM, he is well aware. He is also standing by me and letting me try to figure things out. He knows that we cannot stay together if I am not willing to end contact with OM. I have chosen to do that.
> 
> I don't think divorce is the answer to everything, I do believe that if two people love each other unconditionally, they can work through these kinds of things. I can't honestly say what I would do if the situation were reversed and my H cheated on me. I think in time I would forgive him, but I would be damaged, just as I know I've damaged him.


In all fairness to OP, I think we should encourage her to take steps in the right direction. She's already gone NC on the OM, thats a step towards reconciliation in itself. BranD, what you're probably experiencing now is what people on here call a withdrawal. Your affair is like a drug. Ever done marijuana(Kids, don't do it)in large amounts? It releases the same chemical in your brain that an illicit relationship releases. And when you go NC on the source, you start to withdraw, where you experience intense longing for the drug. If you can stay true to your husband and your marriage through this phase and maintain NC(There will be times when the urge gets too strong. Know that any breach in NC will only result in a relapse), you will get to a position where it'll be all but clear to you, how stupid the entire thing was. And then you'll be able to get into counselling to sort out your marital issues.

You don't want to stay an addict forever do you?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I've read a lot of threads by remorseful wives. They all have some things in common. Regret. Desperation to make things right. And no defensiveness. At all. Of course the other thing they have is a husband about to walk. Maybe your husband is being too accepting about all this and that's what's fueling your attempt at false reconciliation.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey BranD---you said in your 1st post---YOU CAN'T HAVE SEX WITH YOUR H!!!!---Why is that?????---cuz if you and your H., don't have sex----you will eventually, no matter what you say, here or anywhere else------seek sex from someone---unless you intend to become celebate.

Also why do you tolerate your H., getting drunk out of his mind, and leaving you at a party to go drinking with others----this mge. you are in sounds like some kind of mge.

You are a 33 yr old woman, you should be mature enuff to know how to handle life----and to know that both you and your H., are messed up

As to your lover---besides telling us about how he is such a hot lover, and he is so wonderful as a partner---what do you REALLY KNOW ABOUT HIM, besides, that he is very willing to participate in wrecking a mge, and couldn't last a month in a serious relationship with another woman----I am willing to bet you have/know very little REALITY with your lover, but you certainly have no problem letting him bust up your mge----yah---he's a great one to have a relationship with

Guess I had better ask again---how old are you 33 or 17 ??????


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

branD78 said:


> I am being defensive, you are right, but that doesn't mean I am not sorry. *I've told H of my feelings for OM, he is well aware. * He is also standing by me and letting me try to figure things out. He knows that we cannot stay together if I am not willing to end contact with OM. I have chosen to do that.
> 
> *I don't think divorce is the answer to everything*, I do believe that if two people love each other unconditionally, they can work through these kinds of things.


If you are "in love" with the OM and have feelings for him, why do you choose to stay married to your husband? 



ScarletBegonias said:


> In all fairness no one said divorce is the answer to everything.But realistically speaking,when someone comes here in a heavy fog saying they are in love with OM,divorce is honestly the only reasonable option because no amount of therapy and talking will pull you out of the fog.


:iagree: What is the point of staying with someone if you love another? It's completely unfair to her husband.

Too bad there isn't a cake emoticon.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

branD78 said:


> I am being defensive, you are right, but that doesn't mean I am not sorry. I've told H of my feelings for OM, he is well aware. He is also standing by me and letting me try to figure things out. He knows that we cannot stay together if I am not willing to end contact with OM. I have chosen to do that.
> 
> I don't think divorce is the answer to everything, I do believe that if two people love each other unconditionally, they can work through these kinds of things. I can't honestly say what I would do if the situation were reversed and my H cheated on me. I think in time I would forgive him, but I would be damaged, just as I know I've damaged him.


It may not feel this way right now, but in time your feelings for the OM will fade away as long as you have NC with him & work on your marriage.

In the future, if you develop feelings for other men, just don't act on them. Feelings come & go. Whether to act on them is completely in your control.

You have a wonderful husband who loves you very much. He is a blessing, a gift & he is yours to cherish & love.

Put a little gratitude in your attitude


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## The bishop (Aug 19, 2012)

If you want to stay married. You have to end all contact with the OM, you are just prolonging the agony. Just like any addict getting a fix. You won't beable to heal until you quit completely... as hard as that is, you can overcome this.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Emerald said:


> It may not feel this way right now, but in time your feelings for the OM will fade away as long as you have NC with him & work on your marriage.


And it may be that one day her husband wakes up and thinks, you know what, I don't need this. I deserve better and leaves her.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

To repeat the question above, why are you staying married to your husband if the other man is your love and your soulmate? This is a fair question.


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## branD78 (Aug 27, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> And it may be that one day her husband wakes up and thinks, you know what, I don't need this. I deserve better and leaves her.


You're right, he very well may. And I will deserve it.


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## branD78 (Aug 27, 2012)

snap said:


> To repeat the question above, why are you staying married to your husband if the other man is your love and your soulmate? This is a fair question.


The word "soulmate" never came out of my mouth. And I am realizing more and more, that I am not truly in love with OM. I am truly in love with my H and I want to make our marriage work. I did think I was in love, I got caught up in everything and had this perfect image of the OM in my head. But I know now that it was not realistic. I have chosen to end contact with OM, and I know in time my feelings for him will fade. It's the first of many steps I will have to take, but I am committed to doing anything I can to save my marriage.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

BranD - the difference between your first couple of posts, and your last couple of posts is staggering. Can I ask what changed? It seems you went from "I am in love with the OM and can't sleep with my H" to, "I've cut off all contact with the OM, and want to make my marriage work" REALLY FAST.

Why the about face? Curious.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

branD78 said:


> The word "soulmate" never came out of my mouth. And I am realizing more and more, that I am not truly in love with OM. I am truly in love with my H and I want to make our marriage work. I did think I was in love, I got caught up in everything and had this perfect image of the OM in my head. But I know now that it was not realistic. I have chosen to end contact with OM, and I know in time my feelings for him will fade. It's the first of many steps I will have to take, but I am committed to doing anything I can to save my marriage.


Your feelings for the OM should not only fade they will die, what kind of man predates on another mans wife ? Your challenge now is to help your husband heal. There is a process to take you forward however I to am curious why the sudden turnaround .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

snap said:


> To repeat the question above, why are you staying married to your husband if the other man is your love and your soulmate? *This is a fair question*.


:iagree: One she hasn't answered yet.



Gabriel said:


> BranD - the difference between your first couple of posts, and your last couple of posts is staggering. Can I ask what changed? It seems you went from "I am in love with the OM and can't sleep with my H" to, "I've cut off all contact with the OM, and want to make my marriage work" REALLY FAST.
> 
> Why the about face? Curious.


Agreed. She went from 0 to 100 so fast. It's odd.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> :iagree: One she hasn't answered yet.
> 
> 
> 
> Agreed. She went from 0 to 100 so fast. It's odd.


Actually, she still has a long way to go. From one of her posts after this change:



> My H and I have sought counseling, *we are working on the problems that we had before any of this ever started, and we are trying to heal from this together.*
> 
> He has chosen to stand by me through this, he took a vow and, unlike me, he is not breaking it. *We have a lot of work to do on ourselves and our union,* but I have strong faith that this may bring us closer together in the end.


In amongst her defensiveness is a lot of blame still being heaped on the betrayed husband. OP, you need to lose that. Whether you intend to or not, it reads like his failures drove you to cheat. Going to counseling after your affair and wanting to address his failures as a husband and a man are going to amplify that. Yes, he owns 50% of the problems in your marriage, but you own the cheating 100%. Because of your cheating, counseling should be focused on helping him heal from your betrayal. 

Frankly, your needs in the relationship will need to go on the back-burner for awhile. Be aware of that as you move forward.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> And it may be that one day her husband wakes up and thinks, you know what, I don't need this. I deserve better and leaves her.


That's exactly what I did. 

It took about a year of her ambivalence and lack of effort. She couldn't seem to put in the effort I needed to move forward. 

Like BranD78, my STBXWW became very emotionally attached to her OM. She claimed she didn't think she loved him but would she really tell me that truth? She lied about everything else until I had prof and never did tell me the whole story.

Unlike BranD78, my STBXWW didn't seem remorseful for what she had done and never really apologized for the pain and betrayal. 

I would have stayed if my wife had shown deep remorse for her cheating. If she could have made me feel like I was important to her again...much more then her OM. I needed openness and complete honesty from her and a willingness to discuss any detail of her affair. 

I could not tolerate her defensiveness or blame shifting for her cheating. I needed her to read everything she could find about cheating and to do the deep work on herself as to why she made the choices she did. I needed to know it would never happen again. She needed to focus on what she did and not on trying to blame me. 

I also needed the physical part of our marriage more then ever. I needed her to pursue me like she did him...even more so. She was like BranD78 in this respect...she avoided sex with me. This was a deal breaker in my mind. Sex with him was OK but sex with her devoted husband was avoided? That was not going to work for me. I deserved much, much more.

I needed her to EARN me back and to never give up. Sadly, that just didn't happen. I didn't even get the whole, honest truth.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Decimated said:


> That's exactly what I did.
> 
> It took about a year of her ambivalence and lack of effort. She couldn't seem to put in the effort I needed to move forward.
> 
> ...


Your post should be mandatory reading for wondering spouses.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

BranD, I'm glad to hear that you've cut the other man out of your life. One person said this earlier, and I believe I said it to you in a PM as well, but I think it bears repeating: _feelings are not final_. In many cases, our feelings are absolutely worthless and mean nothing. Feelings can be swayed by many, many things in our lives. Sometimes what we feel is a sign that something is wrong around us or within us, and sometimes our feelings are how we justify doing what we know is wrong. 

It's up to us to learn to control our feelings. And about defensiveness....try not to be defensive, here or in your marriage. Being defensive doesn't show remorse, even if you feel it. Even when your husband doesn't meet your needs(which is his responsibility to own and change), what you do in response to it is entirely within your control. And now that this OM is gone, focus on meeting your husbands needs and fixing whatever it is within you that lead you to cheat. 

You're in my prayers.  And remember, all of the bad choices we make can be righted if we put in the effort. And, just as an aside, I do believe that unconditional love exists. I don't particular buy into the "soulmate" notion, but I absolutely do believe in unconditional love.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Can we back up a minute?

Can you identify what is or isn't present in your marriage that kicked off this chain of events in the first place?

His issues? Your issues? A toxic c0cktail of the two?

In other words, was this marriage the right choice in the first place?

If not, then your efforts to save it in order to spare his feelings would be very misguided.

Take the infidelity off the table for a moment. Whats up?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to give your husband fully and total transparency to your phone, email. Fb, and where you are going and who you are with at all times frm now on.

If you truly want to save your marriage you will do this to help stop you when you have weak moments and want to contact the OM.

Give your husband the tools he needs to begin building trust that you are keeping your word and have stopped the affair.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> I have chosen to end contact with OM


Then *send him a NC letter/*text/emial. Don't end it F2F nor by phone call. Forget about closure, it will come from within, you already are starting to come to terms with what was going on; It's closure.
There are NC letter templates everywhere, no star crosssed lovers speeach, staying out of duty, etc. You states you are wrong, you decided to end permanently any kind of contact with him and you ask him to honor your wishes to not be contacted anymore from his end. Then block him from any meaning of comunications. Get rid of every reminder, memento, love letter, picture, etc. Get rid of underwear, dresses, everything related to OM.
It's going to be hard, you are deelply attached, you will be temped to break it, your mind will trick you to contact him with lame reasons as to "know whats going on". You choose dayly, hourley to stay NC. You sit on your hands, stay busy mind and body and you will get past the withdrawal. As days passes by you will think more clearly nad will be more easy to bond with your BH.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

I asked a question based on BranD's 1st post---she stated I CAN' T HAVE SEX WITH MY H----why is that-------and what am I missing that no one else seems bothered by that statement

If she can't/doesn't have sex with her H----eventually she is going to go looking to fulfill that PHYSICAL NEED somewhere else

Am I missing something here???????


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

The feelings you have for the OM are not real, they will fade with time. Trust me I know. Once you cut off all contact with the other man, only then will you realize you do not love him. This is what is called the fog (and you are deep in it.)

Affairs only last about 2 years, maybe less after everything is said and done. There is a reason for that. It isn't real love! It is a chemical that is released by newness. Living a fantasy. I was my husbands other woman (so to speak) I was very lucky, because it was real love. ( i am not saying that it doesn't happen, because it does. Not very often.)

I am not here to judge anyone, that is not my job. God is the only one is is supposed to judge..

I thought I was in love with the other man too. It was emotional only. After reading many, many threads on here about the aftermath of any type of affair, i broke it off just to see how i really felt. After not talking to the om for a week, my feelings faded. It was not love after all. 

I was unhappy for years. 

You need to tell your husband the complete truth about your affair, i finally told mine while we were living apart (another story). If you do chose to stay together then you should get into counselling to help you both work it out, together. No lies, not trickle truth. Own it..


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

jnj express said:


> I asked a question based on BranD's 1st post---she stated I CAN' T HAVE SEX WITH MY H----why is that-------and what am I missing that no one else seems bothered by that statement
> 
> If she can't/doesn't have sex with her H----eventually she is going to go looking to fulfill that PHYSICAL NEED somewhere else
> 
> Am I missing something here???????


You are not alone here. I too look forward to her hopefully returning and answering a few questions that have been raised by you and others.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

survivorwife said:


> You are not alone here. I too look forward to her hopefully returning and answering a few questions that have been raised by you and others.


Because she felt/feels bonded to her affair partner. Not at all uncommon. The flipside is that she enthusiastically has sex with her husband to better hide evidence of the affair. Focusing questions on that aspect can't possibly lead anywhere good for anyone.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Look, I'm not going to beat you up or call you names but don't you think your husband deserves someone who will love him completely? You can't. Let him go find her. Even if he doesn't want to.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Ms. B,

I am not going castigate you for your actions. I think you really need to look hard at yourself and your marriage. You have had an affiar at the very outset of your marriage. There is some very deep pathology going on. Think about it. During the honeymoon of your life together you have forsaken your vows. You really aren't ready to be a wife.

You have no children and I haven't seen suggestions of deep financial ties. In my opinion, you should do yourself (and your husband) a favor and divorce. You need to really work on yourself. No matter what the issues are between your husband and you, you are broken. And given your defensive statements, I doubt you can do the work you need to do while in the relationship.

Think long and hard about it. I think you should push the reset botton and really sort yourself out before perhaps trying a long term relationship in the future....

just MHO


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

branD78 said:


> Thank you to those of you that actually responded with ADVICE and not judgement. I honestly don't care what a bunch of strangers on the internet think of me, and I am actually quite intelligent and was well aware of the sarcastic comments.
> 
> I am not looking to make excuses for what I've done. I AM remorseful despite what some may think. Maybe I am in a fog and am not in love with the OM. My head has been swimming in so many directions I barely know which way is up. I thought I might find some people here that would be understanding, and there have been a few. I don't condone what I did, I'm not running away with the OM. My H and I have sought counseling, we are working on the problems that we had before any of this ever started, and we are trying to heal from this together. I have decided to end all contact with the OM. The responses here have opened my eyes to see that it is something I must do in order to have any chance at saving my marriage.
> 
> I will not leave my husband. He has chosen to stand by me through this, he took a vow and, unlike me, he is not breaking it. We have a lot of work to do on ourselves and our union, but I have strong faith that this may bring us closer together in the end. I won't run away, I will stick around this forum because obviously, there's not a whole lot of support for the ones that make the mistakes. I'm human, I did something horrible, but I have learned from it and I hope that if there's ever somebody that comes here looking for advice or support, I can be sympathetic to them and offer honest advice, instead of being sarcastic or simply stating "get divorced".


I'll give you my perspective on what a WW goes through, some of it people will agree with, others won't. I also had an affair, a very short one that last a few months. It was probably the most intense feelings I ever had for a man. I was addicted to being desired, I couldn't stop myself, it was like a sickness, I felt like I was on an endless high. And basically, it was all chemical. I really feel for you, it's the worst place to be in after it all comes out, your confused, you feel like OM is your soul mate, maybe you wonder if you ever loved husband. But realize that your husband is most probably devestated, and it will take years to overcome this pain.

My ex also begged me to take him back after knowing most of the details, does your husband know all the details? have you told him you love OM? 

So after almost two years, I realized that I probably had fallen out of love with my husband when I had the affair, I could never have similar feelings for two people at the same time, I know this now, I know I could never cheat on someone I respect, and care about. What you might need to think about, is that you may have to let your husband go, you don't sound happy in the marriage, and it may not survive anyway. My ex and I split up after a year of false R, sure I had no contact, everything in the open, but I did leave out some things I should have shared, and that, and my lack of love destroyed what was left. How could I really be remorseful if I didn't love him like I should have?? ya know? Now that I've been dating someone casually for a few months, I could never date another person while seeing him, and we're not even in a serious relationship. With my ex, I didn't care, and that's the sad part, I felt no guilt during the affair, I justified it by telling myself I deserved to be happy, I deserved to have someone pay attention to me. The guilt self-loathing only came after I realized what I had done to my ex, how to this day he is still suffering.

My ex is with another woman now, and while it stings slightly, I'm happy for him (kind of..lol), she's exactly what he needed, she's passive, devoted, and loyal etc. And realize any decision you make will be really painful, either way, you will endure a difficult journey. You will need to understand what happened to you that led you to take such a destructive path. 

I hope it works out for you of course, but I'll be honest and say you'd be in the low percentile.

all the best


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Forget about the men.
You are going to be the same person no matter who you choose!
And you'll feel equally ****ty about yourself, too.
Learn how to trust yourself and understand yourself and keep yourself out of trouble.
Then when you make a promise you can honor it.
Until then steer clear of making any promises to anyone.
Honestly, a relationship is not about picking the person who makes you feel the best, a relationship is about picking the person with whom you have the most potential of growing with. If you take the easy road, you might be turning your back on yourself. So give it a good think, before you think this is about love. Marriage is about a lot more than that. It sounds like you're treating men like some kind of pill that comes in a bottle, which one is going to work the best for the _current _ailment? The timing of the OM contacting you and all that is entirely irrelevant. If you had balls, you would have gone after him if he was really who you wanted, instead you married someone else. So, either you don't have balls (yes, girls should have these too!) or you didn't love him in the first place and at present you're just deluded because you have a clouded mind to begin with. Logic has nothing to do with truth. But you're trying to frame this with logic. No matter how much you do that, it's still not going to ring true. The true story is that you have no clue how to feel better about yourself, and want to use someone else to do the job. It's not just these two men, it's all the men you'll become involved with. Unless you choose to do something about it. Really, it will change your view of relationships. So even if the current marriage is toast, you'll be happier overall, even without a marriage. It sounds like happiness is really what you're concerned about, not a marriage or love.


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