# Should I worry about wife's male friendship?



## AdamsRob (26 d ago)

We have been married 8 years, overall a good marriage (second for both of us). This question post is quite tame and almost silly, but I'm becoming curious of when and if I should be concerned. My wife is gorgeous, bold and outgoing and by her own admission a bit of an odd duck. She recently started a long-term yoga certification training in the city close to where we live. This is a class where she spends two full days (weekends) approximately twice a month. In addition, the class is asked to attend yoga classes taught by the same instructor and others as part of the certification. There is one single man in the group, and I noticed his name coming up more and more in her discussions with me. When I was traveling out of state, she mentioned she was going to dinner to a friend's house in the class and she quickly added that this was a female friend. I'm not a jealous type, so it was kind of an odd clarification for her to make. Later, she added that the male friend was coming to the dinner also. In addition to the required all day classes, she started attending yoga classes 4-5 times a week. We do not lock our phones from each other and my curiosity got the best of me so I checked her texts. There were a few between them; him hoping they could have many more coffees together after class which she gave a 'heart' reply. It has become apparent that they attend the same classes many days during the week and from the credit card bills I can see that she goes to the coffee house almost every time after class (which is unusual for her to go out for coffee drinks that often). The texts were not flirty, but he would ask if she was attending different activities that he was going to. One was a holiday party that they both went to, another was a special session that she changed movie plans we had with the family so that she could attend after he asked her if she was going. She was showing me FB pictures of the class, and I noticed a few pics and videos that showed the two of them were working closely together, but since it is a small class that would not be unexpected. She also knows a lot about him, his background and life. She told me she was worried he was losing too much weight and getting too skinny because of his diet, etc. She recently asked if I would be ok if she spent a full weekend retreat (two nights) that the instructor was holding for about 7 members of the class at a resort over New Years eve/day. I supported her and she quickly signed up. I do not know if he is attending. We are hosting a small holiday party at our place for her class and he will be coming. This will be a chance to observe them together and see how he reacts to me. What should I watch for? Should I be concerned based on what I have shared?


----------



## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

AdamsRob said:


> We have been married 8 years, overall a good marriage (second for both of us). This question post is quite tame and almost silly, but I'm becoming curious of when and if I should be concerned. My wife is gorgeous, bold and outgoing and by her own admission a bit of an odd duck. She recently started a long-term yoga certification training in the city close to where we live. This is a class where she spends two full days (weekends) approximately twice a month. In addition, the class is asked to attend yoga classes taught by the same instructor and others as part of the certification. There is one single man in the group, and I noticed his name coming up more and more in her discussions with me. When I was traveling out of state, she mentioned she was going to dinner to a friend's house in the class and she quickly added that this was a female friend. I'm not a jealous type, so it was kind of an odd clarification for her to make. Later, she added that the male friend was coming to the dinner also. In addition to the required all day classes, she started attending yoga classes 4-5 times a week. We do not lock our phones from each other and my curiosity got the best of me so I checked her texts. There were a few between them; him hoping they could have many more coffees together after class which she gave a 'heart' reply. It has become apparent that they attend the same classes many days during the week and from the credit card bills I can see that she goes to the coffee house almost every time after class (which is unusual for her to go out for coffee drinks that often). The texts were not flirty, but he would ask if she was attending different activities that he was going to. One was a holiday party that they both went to, another was a special session that she changed movie plans we had with the family so that she could attend after he asked her if she was going. She was showing me FB pictures of the class, and I noticed a few pics and videos that showed the two of them were working closely together, but since it is a small class that would not be unexpected. She also knows a lot about him, his background and life. She told me she was worried he was losing too much weight and getting too skinny because of his diet, etc. She recently asked if I would be ok if she spent a full weekend retreat (two nights) that the instructor was holding for about 7 members of the class at a resort over New Years eve/day. I supported her and she quickly signed up. I do not know if he is attending. We are hosting a small holiday party at our place for her class and he will be coming. This will be a chance to observe them together and see how he reacts to me. What should I watch for? Should I be concerned based on what I have shared?


*She`s attending yoga classes 4-5 times a week. 
She recently asked if I would be ok if she spent a full weekend retreat (two nights) that the instructor was holding for about 7 members of the class at a resort over New Years eve/day.*
Sorry my friend but perhaps you are not realising that your wife is leading a separate lifestyle that does not involve you, her husband.
4 to 5 times per week doing whatever she`s doing with some guy in tow is out of order for a married woman, the same would apply vice-versa.
A spouse should be with their partners on New Years Eve or hold a party with family or friends and the spouse present.
My wife and I meet up separately with friends socially once a week for a coffee in the afternoon, she knows all my friends and I know all her friends.
Grow a pair and nip this in the bud now because it`s going too far and crossing the boundaries. Explain to your wife you`re not comfortable about that guy and do not invite him to your home, also do not let your wife go on that weekend retreat where I guarantee it will involve booze, that guy and partying. This is not befitting for a married woman.
People get treated how they allow themselves to be treated.
Think about this very carefully.


----------



## GreenLeaf20 (28 d ago)

AdamsRob said:


> What should I watch for? Should I be concerned based on what I have shared?


Keep an eye out for the interaction between your wife and her male friend. See if you can tell something is going on, chemistry, flirting, etc. Also, it will allow finding out if he is going to the New Year event with her.

I would be concerned that your wife has spent so much time with him and is learning so much about him. She thinks a lot about him based on her conversations with you. Also, you are right about the red flags: heart reply from your wife in her text; him constantly trying to go to the same events as your wife; your wife changing plans with you and her family to go to the special session once he asked her, and the increase in going to the coffee shop. Not to mention her boost in working on her fitness.

Have you noticed that her demeanor has been very happy? All of these signs, on their own, might not suggest anything is happening. But adding them all together means the possibility of an affair is on the table.


----------



## MrShipwreck (1 mo ago)

I wouldn't go for that, if I were you. This is exactly the stepping stones of how things happen.

If the tables were turned, your wife would NOT like YOU doing thes ethings.

You need to not stay silent but have a conversation. You should be able to communicate with a spouse. Otherwise, what is the point.


----------



## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

OP, there is a reason why everyone here is and will tell you that her relationship with this man is a problem. You need to tell her that she either cuts this man out all together, or she quits this Yoga certification she is going after. One or the other, no debate about it. And no more overnights at all, including the New Year's overnight stay... She is playing with fire here.

If it were me, before I did the above, I would hire a PI to check out the group when she is in the city. Follow her before and after class, see what she does. Once you tell her to stop what she's doing the cat will be out of the bag, so it might be worth it to have a PI check out what she's doing first. Good luck.


----------



## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

AdamsRob said:


> We have been married 8 years, overall a good marriage (second for both of us). This question post is quite tame and almost silly, but I'm becoming curious of when and if I should be concerned. My wife is gorgeous, bold and outgoing and by her own admission a bit of an odd duck. She recently started a long-term yoga certification training in the city close to where we live. This is a class where she spends two full days (weekends) approximately twice a month. In addition, the class is asked to attend yoga classes taught by the same instructor and others as part of the certification. There is one single man in the group, and I noticed his name coming up more and more in her discussions with me. When I was traveling out of state, she mentioned she was going to dinner to a friend's house in the class and she quickly added that this was a female friend. I'm not a jealous type, so it was kind of an odd clarification for her to make. Later, she added that the male friend was coming to the dinner also. In addition to the required all day classes, she started attending yoga classes 4-5 times a week. We do not lock our phones from each other and my curiosity got the best of me so I checked her texts. There were a few between them; him hoping they could have many more coffees together after class which she gave a 'heart' reply. It has become apparent that they attend the same classes many days during the week and from the credit card bills I can see that she goes to the coffee house almost every time after class (which is unusual for her to go out for coffee drinks that often). The texts were not flirty, but he would ask if she was attending different activities that he was going to. One was a holiday party that they both went to, another was a special session that she changed movie plans we had with the family so that she could attend after he asked her if she was going. She was showing me FB pictures of the class, and I noticed a few pics and videos that showed the two of them were working closely together, but since it is a small class that would not be unexpected. She also knows a lot about him, his background and life. She told me she was worried he was losing too much weight and getting too skinny because of his diet, etc. She recently asked if I would be ok if she spent a full weekend retreat (two nights) that the instructor was holding for about 7 members of the class at a resort over New Years eve/day. I supported her and she quickly signed up. I do not know if he is attending. We are hosting a small holiday party at our place for her class and he will be coming. This will be a chance to observe them together and see how he reacts to me. What should I watch for? Should I be concerned based on what I have shared?


Any husband who loves his wife and his marriage should be worried about other men period! Being on this site says you already have the gut feeling. If you don't do something now, you can kiss what's left of your relationship good by! Sorry to seem so drastic, but this is a common story throughout here and other sites for either spouse. If my wife had started talking more about another man, started having coffee with him, going to others events and he would be there, all without me, it would be on fast! Either kick this interloper out of the picture or start the paper work, because this has already gone to far.you are being passive and weak, she's losing respect for you and the marriage and I can almost guarantee a surprise visit isn't going to go down well.


----------



## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

well if everything your saying is true (heart emoji's) in text an all. your wife is definitely in an emotional affair with the single man. coffee every time after yoga with a SINGLE MAN are getting to know you DATES . dinner with a single man (im sure there was woman there to) no i don't think there was . cancelling plans with her family to be with single man. and now going to a resort where they can consummate the emotional affair and start having a physical affair with no interruption's if they haven't already started a physical affair. my best advice to you is if you want to keep your family together, tell her yoga is DONE, no more contact with single man ever again. if she refuses giving you the you don't trust her speech threaten, she needs to take a polygraph to prove herself if the marriage means anything to her or you will be seeing a lawyer.
if you let this continue she may be the one asking you for a divorce because she is totally in love with him . then your screwed. totally. if you dont act fast your marriage will be over. unless you don't care if she cheats on you. put the hammer down fast


----------



## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Bud if you wait another day not to take action it's over, you'll be a story posting on Reddit! Don't be a.weak man! Do something now. Right or wrong, any action is better than no.action. why.do people that KNOW in their hearts something is wrong wait? Is it some perverse since of wanting excitement? Go to where she is and surprise her for a day together and stay over night. Her actions will tell you what's up..say no now to that new year eve thing. You are just handing her over to this guy..sick.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Do they go and have coffee just the two of them? After every class? If so totally inappropriate. They are basically dating 4-5 times a week. 
If they have any sort of party make sure you go as well. 
As for the weekend away how about you say that as you will be home alone you may go along just for the trip, not the yoga, and see what she says. If she has plans with him she will NOT want you to go. She will do her very best to talk you out of it. 

This is why many people have clear boundaries with the opposite sex, so this sort of things doesn't get off the ground.


----------



## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

Yes you should be very worried. Emotional affairs are deadly because the participants slip into them before they even realize what is actually going on. Once the emotional bond is formed it is very hard to break and it often leads to a physical affair. Your wife seems to have an emotional connection to him and is often in a position to be physically alone with him. To me, the other man is clearly pursuing your wife. If she is not fully into an affair at this point, she is at a minimum on a very slipper slope. This type of affair can develop very fast. I would be very concerned about the New Years thing. I would read up on emotional affairs and then have a conversation with your wife. She needs to understand that you are uncomfortable with the situation, and with good reason. Then gage her reaction. If she is dismissive, calls you controlling or jealous, or does not take your concerns seriously, you have a serious problem on your hands. Stay vigilant, eyes and ears open. Can you do a surprise visit to the New Years event - say about 9pm. Tell her it is because you wanted to spend New Years together since you have been spending so much time apart.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

He is_ hard_, after her.
She knows it, and is quietly and softly complying.

My responses to these interactions have been mixed, I admit.

At first, I would say, to put a hard stop to them.
Stop the burgeoning affair, before it goes......physical.

I believe it is already emotional.

Now?
I say, "Let it run its course, let's see how far she will go with this boundary crossing".

Is she a trustful wife, or not.
Presently, I have my doubts.

_Eyes and ears open, mouth shut._

Snoop, be the detective.

Let her prove herself loyal, or not.

Intervening and stopping her cheating actions (if any), only delays the inevitable.

I do hope she stays loyal, for your sake.

................................................................................................

One more thing......
Prior to her New Years meeting.

Put your hands on her shoulders.

Express, just _*ONE TIME*_, calmly, telling her not to put your marriage at risk.
Tell her that you love her and trust her.

................................................................................................

Why, say this?
This lets her know that you love her and trust her, and that you are NOT careless, (indifferent) with respect to her impending actions.

That, you are not *Green Lighting* any affair.

This puts the onus on her.
She needs to know and hear this.

_Let your beautiful bird fly, let's see where she, goeth._

Where she goes, and where she sets her pretty tail feathers?


----------



## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Brother, DO SOMETHING NOW! All the things being of trust in the relationship have gone out the window. There is obviously something wrong in your marriage in her eyes, some resentment she doesn't talk about or whatever, now she's doing something for her, self improvement, she has met a man who is doing the class to find easy picking, your wife IS an easy picking. Screw all the are in a wonderful place speeches and all about the trust. Something is wrong and it's already gone to far. Now is the time to do something. Don't be an entertainment story for sites like this with all the pain and anguish and lamenting . Go save your marriage now.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

_A Tale of Two Cities._

Having, but two roads, in or out.

One road with a stop sign 🛑, the other, having no impediment, but ends at a cliff, with no guardrail..


The stop sign is only as meaningful as the driver.

Let her drive herself off the cliff, out of your life.
Or not.

I believe she will blow through the stop sign, and hope she will not get caught.
Caught in that rear-ender, that fender bender, marriage damaging traffic.

Yes, all the other signs of cheating are there, all there, plainly, in view.

She is no longer a potential cheater, she is one.
Let us see how far she is willing to fall...from grace.

She has not far to go, from the sounds of this tale of woe.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

AdamsRob said:


> We have been married 8 years, overall a good marriage (second for both of us). This question post is quite tame and almost silly, but I'm becoming curious of when and if I should be concerned. My wife is gorgeous, bold and outgoing and by her own admission a bit of an odd duck. She recently started a long-term yoga certification training in the city close to where we live. This is a class where she spends two full days (weekends) approximately twice a month. In addition, the class is asked to attend yoga classes taught by the same instructor and others as part of the certification. There is one single man in the group, and I noticed his name coming up more and more in her discussions with me. When I was traveling out of state, she mentioned she was going to dinner to a friend's house in the class and she quickly added that this was a female friend. I'm not a jealous type, so it was kind of an odd clarification for her to make. Later, she added that the male friend was coming to the dinner also. In addition to the required all day classes, she started attending yoga classes 4-5 times a week. We do not lock our phones from each other and my curiosity got the best of me so I checked her texts. There were a few between them; him hoping they could have many more coffees together after class which she gave a 'heart' reply. It has become apparent that they attend the same classes many days during the week and from the credit card bills I can see that she goes to the coffee house almost every time after class (which is unusual for her to go out for coffee drinks that often). The texts were not flirty, but he would ask if she was attending different activities that he was going to. One was a holiday party that they both went to, another was a special session that she changed movie plans we had with the family so that she could attend after he asked her if she was going. She was showing me FB pictures of the class, and I noticed a few pics and videos that showed the two of them were working closely together, but since it is a small class that would not be unexpected. She also knows a lot about him, his background and life. She told me she was worried he was losing too much weight and getting too skinny because of his diet, etc. She recently asked if I would be ok if she spent a full weekend retreat (two nights) that the instructor was holding for about 7 members of the class at a resort over New Years eve/day. I supported her and she quickly signed up. I do not know if he is attending. We are hosting a small holiday party at our place for her class and he will be coming. This will be a chance to observe them together and see how he reacts to me. What should I watch for? Should I be concerned based on what I have shared?


It's probably just innocent and group things. But it's good you are doing the holiday party because just in case he has any ideas (this too skinny guy for her to be attracted to?) he quickly sees you are a good couple and she is not in play. She likely feels maternal towards him. He sounds a little needy, and of course, he could develop a crush on her and others in the group, but if you have no reason to distrust her already, I don't see this as one. On that time she added later he would be attending, she may not have known until later. First line of defense is just you be a visible spouse. That doesn't mean overdoing it and being possessive in public with PDAs or anything like that which could turn people on you, but just be the model husband at this party. 

You've seen the guy's photo. Is he even attractive? He doesn't sound like it.

And also, once the party has happened, if your fears amp up, you should be honest and tell her that after meeting him, you are becoming uncomfortable with her going on the long retreat.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I haven’t even read the post yet. I am answering the title alone.

NO, you should not worry about your wife’s male ‘friend.’


worry is a useless emotion that has no positive benefit and accomplishes nothing but making you look weak and ineffectual.

You should have firm, well defined boundaries and enforce them so you don’t have to waste time and energy on worrying.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Not okay.

How is it that she has this much free time? Does she not work, is she disabled or something?


----------



## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Think of the makings of an affair as the construction of a new house. At the very least,the foundation has already been laid. You need to keep your eyes and ears open. I would be putting a VAR in her car and that new year trip would not be happening if he is going. Or if she is to attend under those circumstance, I'd be accompanying her.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

AdamsRob said:


> My wife is gorgeous, bold and outgoing and by her own admission a bit of an odd duck





AdamsRob said:


> Should I be concerned based on what I have shared?


Do Bears live in the woods??!!?? You should absolutely be concerned. Join the damned Yoga class and see the reaction you get from her. She SHOULD be ecstatic at you showing interest in her hobbies. But bet she will be really p1st. Start accusing you of being controlling and other such BS.
Coffee with OSF alone is a date IMO.

This is the problem being married to gorgeous. Have to beat all of the other men they attract off with a stick.


----------



## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

If you're body/mind is telling you something is wrong, listen to it. Always listen to that inner voice and act how you're body is telling you to act. You don't need to ask what others think, you don't need to think about what your wife would say, you do what you need to do to feel whole again, whatever that is. And whenever that inner voice tells you something is wrong, act on it immediately, not after your wife is already long gone. Don't let anyone, especially your wife, tell you that your inner voice is silly or wrong or stupid; it's not.


----------



## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

I agree with the general consensus.
You need to nip this CRAP in the bud, NOW!
Tell her that if you are no longer a priority and are merely an option, that perhaps you should bow out now so she can fulfill her destiny with Yoga Boy.
You have put up with this much longer than you should have.
You need to go on offense NOW, if it isn't already too late.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

AdamsRob said:


> She recently started a long-term yoga certification training in the city close to where we live.
> 
> There is one single man in the group, and I noticed his name coming up more and more in her discussions with me.


SVEN!!!!!!


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Is her friend Sven from Yoga? Or is that the instructor?


----------



## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

AdamsRob said:


> We have been married 8 years, overall a good marriage (second for both of us). This question post is quite tame and almost silly, but I'm becoming curious of when and if I should be concerned. My wife is gorgeous, bold and outgoing and by her own admission a bit of an odd duck. She recently started a long-term yoga certification training in the city close to where we live. This is a class where she spends two full days (weekends) approximately twice a month. In addition, the class is asked to attend yoga classes taught by the same instructor and others as part of the certification. There is one single man in the group, and I noticed his name coming up more and more in her discussions with me. When I was traveling out of state, she mentioned she was going to dinner to a friend's house in the class and she quickly added that this was a female friend. I'm not a jealous type, so it was kind of an odd clarification for her to make. Later, she added that the male friend was coming to the dinner also. In addition to the required all day classes, she started attending yoga classes 4-5 times a week. We do not lock our phones from each other and my curiosity got the best of me so I checked her texts. There were a few between them; him hoping they could have many more coffees together after class which she gave a 'heart' reply. It has become apparent that they attend the same classes many days during the week and from the credit card bills I can see that she goes to the coffee house almost every time after class (which is unusual for her to go out for coffee drinks that often). The texts were not flirty, but he would ask if she was attending different activities that he was going to. One was a holiday party that they both went to, another was a special session that she changed movie plans we had with the family so that she could attend after he asked her if she was going. She was showing me FB pictures of the class, and I noticed a few pics and videos that showed the two of them were working closely together, but since it is a small class that would not be unexpected. She also knows a lot about him, his background and life. She told me she was worried he was losing too much weight and getting too skinny because of his diet, etc. She recently asked if I would be ok if she spent a full weekend retreat (two nights) that the instructor was holding for about 7 members of the class at a resort over New Years eve/day. I supported her and she quickly signed up. I do not know if he is attending. We are hosting a small holiday party at our place for her class and he will be coming. This will be a chance to observe them together and see how he reacts to me. What should I watch for? Should I be concerned based on what I have shared?


I am a 50 year old female and I am reading your post and I’m thinking she knows damn well she’s playing with fire. What he said to her about meeting for coffees again and her response with the heart is just totally inappropriate and crosses the line.

Now, if she’s into this because she’s truly interested or just enjoying the attention either way it’s wrong.

Your inner alarm bells are going off for a reason and it’s a legitimate one.


----------



## cocolo2019 (Aug 21, 2019)

oldshirt said:


> SVEN!!!!!!


👆 This OP.... Now read this ASAP. 👇









Lessons learned being OM #2 - harsh realities (Warning...


The main thing I want people to understand from part 1 is that no one is immune and it can happen any time, any where. There are a number of other things that I don't think many BHs/BSs can wrap their head around initially that people need to be aware of. I am going to post a few of those...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com


----------



## DamianDamian (Aug 14, 2019)

Your wife has terrible boundaries with the opposite sex and she has a lot of open minded learning and changes to make in a hurry if your marriage is to have any chance. 
Start hanging out one on one with a female 'friend'


----------



## UAArchangel (2 mo ago)

AdamsRob said:


> We have been married 8 years, overall a good marriage (second for both of us). This question post is quite tame and almost silly, but I'm becoming curious of when and if I should be concerned. My wife is gorgeous, bold and outgoing and by her own admission a bit of an odd duck. She recently started a long-term yoga certification training in the city close to where we live. This is a class where she spends two full days (weekends) approximately twice a month. In addition, the class is asked to attend yoga classes taught by the same instructor and others as part of the certification. There is one single man in the group, and I noticed his name coming up more and more in her discussions with me. When I was traveling out of state, she mentioned she was going to dinner to a friend's house in the class and she quickly added that this was a female friend. I'm not a jealous type, so it was kind of an odd clarification for her to make. Later, she added that the male friend was coming to the dinner also. In addition to the required all day classes, she started attending yoga classes 4-5 times a week. We do not lock our phones from each other and my curiosity got the best of me so I checked her texts. There were a few between them; him hoping they could have many more coffees together after class which she gave a 'heart' reply. It has become apparent that they attend the same classes many days during the week and from the credit card bills I can see that she goes to the coffee house almost every time after class (which is unusual for her to go out for coffee drinks that often). The texts were not flirty, but he would ask if she was attending different activities that he was going to. One was a holiday party that they both went to, another was a special session that she changed movie plans we had with the family so that she could attend after he asked her if she was going. She was showing me FB pictures of the class, and I noticed a few pics and videos that showed the two of them were working closely together, but since it is a small class that would not be unexpected. She also knows a lot about him, his background and life. She told me she was worried he was losing too much weight and getting too skinny because of his diet, etc. She recently asked if I would be ok if she spent a full weekend retreat (two nights) that the instructor was holding for about 7 members of the class at a resort over New Years eve/day. I supported her and she quickly signed up. I do not know if he is attending. We are hosting a small holiday party at our place for her class and he will be coming. This will be a chance to observe them together and see how he reacts to me. What should I watch for? Should I be concerned based on what I have shared?


In a nutshell, if she is spending any overnights with another man, no matter how long she has known him, it is something to worry about. She may be looking for a replacement when she is doing that. Even if the man was confirmed to be gay or just a friend, who knows who they might be inviting along for overnights.


----------



## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

Is yoga boy going on the retreat with your wife?


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

AdamsRob said:


> This question post is quite tame and almost silly,


NOPE! It is definitely not silly or tame. You don't realize how close you are to your wife permanently damaging your marriage, if she already hasn't.
The increase in his name in conversations and very personal knowledge of him is a ploy to make you 'aware' of him, so later she can claim you knew and they were just friends.
The clarifications about "female's house" seems to indicate she is covering or prepping for spending time with the guy. My guess is that dinner was between the two of them.
When is your party for them? If it's soon, I think your strategy to observe is a good one. Watch for him avoiding you or them spending an inordinate amount of time with just the two of them conversing, touches, familiarity beyond being in a class together,texts before and after, and obviously any disappearances during, etc., all pretty obvious stuff.
I think you should call her out on all of this inappropriate attention/possible emotional affair well before you tell her she CANNOT go on the New Years trip (unless you're cool with sharing your wife). You know he will be going even if he is not "currently planning" to. He's pursuing your wife and she's enjoying it.
Kind of odd to have a retreat for Yoga on New Years Eve, have you independently verified this is an actual retreat?
Keep quiet and observe like a hawk. You're doing good at this so far. Dig for all info you can get before you confront because you will likely get none afterwards when she knows you're suspicious. Everything will get locked down with passwords. Try to find out everything you can about him. Forewarned is forearmed.
Keep folks here updated and you will get an invaluable pool of advice and actions to consider.


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Captain Obvious said:


> Is yoga boy going on the retreat with your wife?


He will be there whether they say he will or not.
Before: "Oh no, he's not going."
After: "Oh yeah his plans changed he could make it after all."
You see that scenario here so often it's cliched.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

AdamsRob said:


> What should I watch for? Should I be concerned based on what I have shared?





oldshirt said:


> I haven’t even read the post yet. I am answering the title alone.
> 
> NO, you should not worry about your wife’s male ‘friend.’
> 
> ...


OK now I have read the scenario and I stand by what I said in my post above. 

You should not be spending time and energy on worry. You should spend it on boundaries and expectations of behavior. 

My personal beliefs are that your wife and Sven From Yoga (Sven is a legend around here) are already involved. 

But on the off chance that they are not already having an affair, this is a matter of boundaries and drawing a line in the sand that simply cannot be crossed. 

It's clear that she really digs Sven and wants to be around him and is enjoying his attentions and it's very likely that she is very attracted to him. That is obvious. 

So at rock-bottom minimum you need to assert your boundaries and expectations of what you will and will not tolerate in your marriage. What are your deal breakers to remain married to her? What are your expectations of conduct do you have for being married to someone? Is she meeting those expectations with this relationship she is having with Sven?


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> My personal beliefs are that your wife and Sven From Yoga (Sven is a legend around here) are already involved.
> 
> What are your deal breakers to remain married to her? What are your expectations of conduct do you have for being married to someone? Is she meeting those expectations with this relationship she is having with Sven?


That ****ING Sven again.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I also believe that you have some very clear probable cause for some very serious, mindful investigation into their activities. By this I do not mean that you ask her if she is having an affair with Sven. She will just say no and accuse you of being controlling and paranoid and then she and Sven will take their relationship deeper underground and cover their tracks better. 
You need to do some actual investigating on the down low. Hack into her computers, emails, social media and phone records from the service carrier. WW's and their AP's often talk when they are in the car so stashing a voice activated recorder in the car will often tell you what you need to know within a day or two. Some times they even get it on in the car. 

I would also look through any txts or emails or social media DMs that she may have with her girlfriends, fellow yoga chicks or even female relatives as it is very common for WW's to have female cheerleaders and supporters amongst her female friends and relatives that are actually supporting the affair. 

I also think you have enough probably cause here for hiring a PI if you wanted to go that route or if you live in a state that still has at-fault divorce where proof of an affair will benefit you financially if you divorce. 

There are people on this forum that had way less evidence and suspicious activity than you do that ultimately found out their partner was deeply involved in a very passionate affair. 

At this point, you would be irresponsible and negligent to not investigate this thoroughly.


----------



## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

Rubix Cubed said:


> That ****ING Sven again.


ok im new here on this site. can someone explain the SVEN thing to me lol


----------



## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It's probably just innocent and group things. But it's good you are doing the holiday party because just in case he has any ideas (this too skinny guy for her to be attracted to?) he quickly sees you are a good couple and she is not in play. She likely feels maternal towards him. He sounds a little needy, and of course, he could develop a crush on her and others in the group, but if you have no reason to distrust her already, I don't see this as one. On that time she added later he would be attending, she may not have known until later. First line of defense is just you be a visible spouse. That doesn't mean overdoing it and being possessive in public with PDAs or anything like that which could turn people on you, but just be the model husband at this party.
> 
> You've seen the guy's photo. Is he even attractive? He doesn't sound like it.
> 
> And also, once the party has happened, if your fears amp up, you should be honest and tell her that after meeting him, you are becoming uncomfortable with her going on the long retreat.


Yes they are hosting a little party at their house for Christmas, she's still going on the retreat for new years,.without caring about being with her husband, of 8 years? Would you do this?


----------



## UAArchangel (2 mo ago)

TheGodfather said:


> ok im new here on this site. can someone explain the SVEN thing to me lol


Basically, he's a guy that gets all the girls, even if he's an idiot.

From Urban dictionary.

*Sven*

People of this name tend to be big players. Don't let his looks and charm fool you, he's kind on the outside but hasn't found his true meaning so he's kind of a jerk.. He's not even a fraction as smart as the carrot Sven eats in Frozen.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

TheGodfather said:


> ok im new here on this site. can someone explain the SVEN thing to me lol


"Sven From Yoga" is the embodiment of the Other Man that a Wayward Wife meets at the gym or through some other recreational or fitness activity in the community. 

His philandering cousins are "Kevin From Sales" and Steve From Accounting" that Wayward Wives" become involved with at work.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

TinyTbone said:


> Yes they are hosting a little party at their house for Christmas, she's still going on the retreat for new years,.without caring about being with her husband, of 8 years? Would you do this?


She is a yoga instructor. They do retreats and things like that.


----------



## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> "Sven From Yoga" is the embodiment of the Other Man that a Wayward Wife meets at the gym or through some other recreational or fitness activity in the community.
> 
> His philandering cousins are "Kevin From Sales" and Steve From Accounting" that Wayward Wives" become involved with at work.


thanks for the explanation


----------



## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> She is a yoga instructor. They do retreats and things like that.


She, as OP stated is training for verification as a trainer. As to the retreats,.well not including him in the process is just down right disrespectful to their marriage and as her partner in life. She should say hey it's new years so get us a room for the event and come spend time with me when I'm off and we can ring in the new year together! Do you agree on this?


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Rubix Cubed said:


> Kind of odd to have a retreat for Yoga on New Years Eve, have you independently verified this is an actual retreat?


I think OP should tell her she can go NY eve if OP goes.

And if she insists on going without him, just tell her to not come back home. Sven can have her, and probably has had her already multiple times.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

TinyTbone said:


> She, as OP stated is training for verification as a trainer. As to the retreats,.well not including him in the process is just down right disrespectful to their marriage and as her partner in life. She should say hey it's new years so get us a room for the event and come spend time with me when I'm off and we can ring in the new year together! Do you agree on this?


It's just like weightlifting or something like that. Some people do it semi-professionally and it crosses over into the hobby category. If she's training, going to a retreat makes just as much sense. I didn't let her entirely off the hook, but the dude sounds like a pune, so I don't think his wife is attracted to him that way enough to jump to conclusions. If her husband isn't into yoga, why would he want to take his vacation time to go on a yoga retreat? 

Just because a man joins her yoga group shouldn't be automatic cause for hysteria! But it bears watching, and she is going to bring her group around at the party, so not exactly covert behavior.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> If her husband isn't into yoga, why would he want to take his vacation time to go on a yoga retreat?


I don't think it is rare at all for people to go with their spouse to professional conferences and seminars etc out of town even if they are not in that particular profession. Some times they go along to get out of the house and check out the local sights and such while their spouse in session during the day and attend the social nightlife functions with them in the evenings. 

My wife and I have both gone along on each other's professional conferences and conventions etc even if we are not attending the actual daytime lectures. 

What is key here is not that she is attending a yoga retreat, but rather the giveaway would be her reaction to the OP talking about going with her. The look on her face and her reaction and especially if she told him he could not go would tell him all he needs to know.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> I don't think it is rare at all for people to go with their spouse to professional conferences and seminars etc out of town even if they are not in that particular profession. Some times they go along to get out of the house and check out the local sights and such while their spouse in session during the day and attend the social nightlife functions with them in the evenings.
> 
> My wife and I have both gone along on each other's professional conferences and conventions etc even if we are not attending the actual daytime lectures.
> 
> What is key here is not that she is attending a yoga retreat, but rather the giveaway would be her reaction to the OP talking about going with her. The look on her face and her reaction and especially if she told him he could not go would tell him all he needs to know.


What I think is it requires taking off work for most people, though.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Livvie said:


> Not okay.
> 
> How is it that she has this much free time? Does she not work, is she disabled or something?


No.

Our OP indulges her.

She is an apprentice Yoga Instructor.
She is a student, a very pretty one.

She seems _hell-bent_ on learning well, the _Savasana_ position, or likely, the heavenly, _Viparita Karani_ pose.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> What I think is it requires taking off work for most people, though.


My point is her reaction to him enquiring about going with her is what will tell him what he needs to know.


----------



## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It's just like weightlifting or something like that. Some people do it semi-professionally and it crosses over into the hobby category. If she's training, going to a retreat makes just as much sense. I didn't let her entirely off the hook, but the dude sounds like a pune, so I don't think his wife is attracted to him that way enough to jump to conclusions. If her husband isn't into yoga, why would he want to take his vacation time to go on a yoga retreat?
> 
> Just because a man joins her yoga group shouldn't be automatic cause for hysteria! But it bears watching, and she is going to bring her group around at the party, so not exactly covert behavior.


Well it's obviously lit up his attention now, especially talking about this guy when she didn't talk about other men before. Why wasn't other women in the class? .somehow she is getting some sort of validation from him. Why the heck else come to forum like this. It's time he stepped up his game as a husband and got more involved in their relationship. Be her hero, knight in shining armor to the rescue!


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

TinyTbone said:


> Well it's obviously lit up his attention now, especially talking about this guy when she didn't talk about other men before. Why wasn't other women in the class? .somehow she is getting some sort of validation from him. Why the heck else come to forum like this. It's time he stepped up his game as a husband and got more involved in their relationship. Be her hero, knight in shining armor to the rescue!


This is the only guy in her yoga class, unless I'm missing something. It seems that just having a guy join the class has kicked off the suspicions. Of course, we don't know, because this is a new poster, if there is a history of her cheating or he himself cheating or matrimonial discontent or some reason the risk factor is greater.


----------



## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> This is the only guy in her yoga class, unless I'm missing something. It seems that just having a guy join the class has kicked off the suspicions. Of course, we don't know, because this is a new poster, if there is a history of her cheating or he himself cheating or matrimonial discontent or some reason the risk factor is greater.


Yes I do get that! Only know part of it all, sorry to sound judgemental...guess I'm just a fiery husband... Don't want anyone else scratching in my litter box!! Also have a very a type personality and don't play well with other men around my wife!!!


----------



## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Hers a real life example how this crap can work. Few years back a guy sends my wife a friend request on fb. For some stupid reason she accepts..as she told me months down the road, he attempted to be flirty, try to get her to sext with her, try to get nudes of her and asked is she wanted any of him! He also bragged about having a large.member. she tells me later, after texts become normal about that part. After I had met the guy where he worked and actually conversed with him. Had no idea about that first part of text thread. She had told him to know off the crap that's she's happily married and he supposedly apologized. Why the heck she didn't immediately delete the fool is beyond me. She even told him she told.me.about the sexting request and he got worried I'd come there and kick his ass! He was correct about that, would have. Later.after.she told me about this I was.p$ssed about it. I felt humiliated meeting this guy and NOT knowing this. Told her did she think if she had said yes that he wouldn't have willingly screwed my wife behind my back? Flat told her never do that again or it's over, period. She hasn't again.
Thing is I trusted her implicitly,yet this happened..also she had already deleted the questionable part of the tex thread, so I only saw normal occasional chats.


----------



## AdamsRob (26 d ago)

Diana7 said:


> Do they go and have coffee just the two of them? After every class? If so totally inappropriate. They are basically dating 4-5 times a week.
> If they have any sort of party make sure you go as well.
> As for the weekend away how about you say that as you will be home alone you may go along just for the trip, not the yoga, and see what she says. If she has plans with him she will NOT want you to go. She will do her very best to talk you out of it.
> 
> This is why many people have clear boundaries with the opposite sex, so this sort of things doesn't get off the ground.


I'm just now catching up on all the responses, thank you everyone for taking the time to give your input. I do not know they are meeting for coffee after all the classes, I just know that she is getting a coffee after most of the classes. Many times, she is only delayed by 15 min or so from when I would expect her back from the class. She did tell me she had a coffee with him the other day after class, and I know that lasted about 1.5 hrs. I have family in town that weekend from out of town, so I can not easily just leave and go check up as suggested.


----------



## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

AdamsRob said:


> I'm just now catching up on all the responses, thank you everyone for taking the time to give your input. I do not know they are meeting for coffee after all the classes, I just know that she is getting a coffee after most of the classes. Many times, she is only delayed by 15 min or so from when I would expect her back from the class. She did tell me she had a coffee with him the other day after class, and I know that lasted about 1.5 hrs. I have family in town that weekend from out of town, so I can not easily just leave and go check up as suggested.


Hire a PI to do it for you. Seriously OP, they have a "sleepover" coming up in a few weeks... You need to do what you can to figure out what's going on ASAP, so you can take appropriate action.

Look, we don't know what's going on for sure, but all agree there are major red flags here. This is following a pattern we've seen over and over -- short meetings after "class," getting to know each other, lots of texting... And now, coming up, is an overnight opportunity. I would be proactive if I were you. Start checking her phone, and put a VAR in her car to see if she's talking to him or her friends about him while she's in the car. Hire out the PI. Don't miss this opportunity. Good luck.


----------



## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

AdamsRob said:


> There were a few between them; him hoping they could have many more coffees together after class which she gave a 'heart' reply. It has become apparent that they attend the same classes many days during the week and from the credit card bills I can see that she goes to the coffee house almost every time after class (which is unusual for her to go out for coffee drinks that often).


im curious is this true or did you just not type this right?


----------



## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

I get that she is all enthusiastic about her new class etc and it is easy to get carried away with all this newness but her behaviour here is just not acceptable. She is putting everything before you and your marriage and needs to reintroduce some balance here. 

I know this site immediately goes to a worse case scenario regarding but we are all seeing the red flags here and YOU need to take action NOW. For starters, I would tell her the NYE retreat is off. Don't get into an argument about the other guy, just say it is not right for her to be spending NYE away from the family. After that is settled, I would then tackle this relationship. You need to squash this very early on. 

We can all tell you exactly what she is going to say when you express concerns about this guy, can tell you what her next steps are going to be, can tell you how you are going to be the bad guy controlling who her friends are and so on. However, posters are telling you your nice guy approach is not going to work.

Please read other chains on here, so many of which have started exactly the same as yours. Maybe you should get her to read them as well. 

I don't agree that she should stop contact with this other guy. I don't think it is enough. At the very least, I think she should swap classes or look for a different course all together.

I would also start the 180 and cut off any funding she may require. You need to be an Alpha Male here!


----------



## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

the collective wisdom of TAM is your guide

Up to you to use the information


----------



## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

Is the yoga guy into women?


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

They’re having sex, you’re naive, past the pint of fixing. But that’s not what you wanted to hear.


----------



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

BEFORE ANY THING new years eve and day is the day you spend with the people you love most ,


----------



## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

frenchpaddy said:


> BEFORE ANY THING new years eve and day is the day you spend with the people you love most ,


that's probably why she is going to the resort instead of spending NYE with her family. once he gave her the go ahead, SHE QUICKLY signed up .


----------



## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

"_that's probably why she is going to the resort instead of spending NYE with her family. once he gave her the go ahead, SHE QUICKLY signed up_"


----------



## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

AdamsRob said:


> I'm just now catching up on all the responses, thank you everyone for taking the time to give your input. I do not know they are meeting for coffee after all the classes, I just know that she is getting a coffee after most of the classes. Many times, she is only delayed by 15 min or so from when I would expect her back from the class. She did tell me she had a coffee with him the other day after class, and I know that lasted about 1.5 hrs. I have family in town that weekend from out of town, so I can not easily just leave and go check up as suggested.


Look, no one knows everything for sure. You know what you know, believe what you believe, based off of your relationship. However there are many people here that have been to hell and back in their relationships with infidelity! Most have great empathy for others coming here and offer amazingly insightful advice. Take what you need and let the rest slide off.
I will.say this, for some reason your gut is knotting up about this a bit. So in the most respectful yet extreme way I ask this. She now has said they must do several classes a week under the certifying instructor, as well as the twice a weekend class a month. That's a lot of time spent with others, others than you. So as many say trust but verify. Is she actually at the place attending the classes? You know that you've already asked yourself this. I would have as well. So then verify it. Just swing by and quietly check. Doesn't hurt to visit for a lunch or dinner together in the city right??


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Why sugar coat it and pretend she might be NOT cheating, when even a child could see that she is. OP, this has been going on far too long right under your nose and you’ve done nothing. You might as well have given your blessing for your wife to cheat at this point. Sticking your head in the sand won’t make her suddenly choose you over her AP.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

AdamsRob said:


> I know that lasted about 1.5 hrs. I have family in town that weekend from out of town, so I can not easily just leave and go check up as suggested.


So don't you see anything wrong with her not being home with you and family from out of town?!? I bet THEY found that rather curious. Has she decided she isn't part of your family? MY wife is with me anytime we have company. 

Yoga is a hobby. Hobbies are for spare time, not to displace a family.


----------



## Jimmysgirl (9 mo ago)

Where your attention goes your heart follows. Sounds like her attention is going in the wrong direction. She canceled family plans for him? Oh heck no. I would never do that to my hubby. I would never go for coffee after class with another man, I'm a married woman who values my husband. I think her spending her spare time with another man is quite disrespectful to you.


----------



## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

I honestly think husband knows what's going on.. probably just came on here for confirmation of his fears.. things that haven't been answered are did he give wife a reason to stray? Did husband also have an emotional or physical affair? How does he treat her? So many questions still out there that can heavily swing what she is doing one way or another.. I believe husband said they both been married before.. why did they divorce there ex's? Until we get more facts we are all just guessing honestly.. 2 sides to every story ..


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Jimmysgirl said:


> I would never go for coffee after class with another man, I'm a married woman who values my husband. I think her spending her spare time with another man is quite disrespectful to you.


Most married women would behave exactly so. Their husband and family have priority. My wife has never had a coffee date alone with another man. If she had she wouldn't be my wife anymore.

i wonder what his wife would think if OP started being late home from work because he was having dates with another woman


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Yeah I’d say it’s a red flag when one’s wife is dating another man. 🫢


----------



## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

AdamsRob said:


> I'm just now catching up on all the responses, thank you everyone for taking the time to give your input. I do not know they are meeting for coffee after all the classes, I just know that she is getting a coffee after most of the classes. Many times, she is only delayed by 15 min or so from when I would expect her back from the class. She did tell me she had a coffee with him the other day after class, and I know that lasted about 1.5 hrs. I have family in town that weekend from out of town, so I can not easily just leave and go check up as suggested.


Your wife having a coffee one to one with a single guy for 1.5 hours is going out on a date.
Why bother considering paying a truck load of cash for a PI and allowing the guy into your home.
Also as I said, your wife going away for a weekend on New Years Eve with the probability that guy, the one she texts, sees 4 to 5 times per week and goes out on coffee dates with will be there is totally unacceptable.
You do not want that guy to be associated with your wife or yourself in anyways.
Are you afraid to man up and lay down boundaries with your wife? Because it certainly appears this way.
If I was in that situation no way would I allow this to continue and if it didn`t stop I`d also be paying that guy a visit. You claim to have family in town that weekend from out of town, so you can not easily just leave and go check up. Sorry pal, but what is happening with your wife has to take priority otherwise it seems you`re making excuses to avoid confronting this head on.
In life there maybe circumstances that arise in which we have to fight for our dignity, demand respect and not treated like a sap.
All what needs to be said has already been explained and said on this thread and now it`s up to you to either let this continue, whereas your wife will have no respect for you and will continue playing away or do something about it.
I`m sure by now you know the score and what needs to be done. Good luck.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Should you be worried? YES, yes you should.

While nothing may have necessarily happened yet, things are well on their way to getting very out of hand.

Your wife needs to read the book 'Not Just Friends' by Dr Shirley Glass. Very eye opening.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Rus47 said:


> So don't you see anything wrong with her not being home with you and family from out of town?!? I bet THEY found that rather curious. Has she decided she isn't part of your family? MY wife is with me anytime we have company.
> 
> Yoga is a hobby. Hobbies are for spare time, not to displace a family.



If my inlaws were coming I'd totally be up for yoga, hell, I'd be up for anything that kept me away while they were there


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

frusdil said:


> If my inlaws were coming I'd totally be up for yoga, hell, I'd be up for anything that kept me away while they were there


@Jimi007 my inlaws are a nightmare, trust me, they'd be ecstatic if I wasn't there


----------



## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

The blowing off a family get together to go to this retreat is very alarming. The timing sounds suspicious as well. Who's to say she's not going away for New Years with the guy and ther's actually no yoga retreat at all?


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I'd have a problem with my wife doing yoga 4 days a week while I worked, guy or not.


----------



## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

Your gut is literally churning round and round over this yoga tool that fancies your wife, and she is about to go on a New Years Retreat with the yoga crew. And you won't be there. And this dude probably will. And she goes on coffee dates with him. And she's concerned about his weight. Wake the F up guy!


----------



## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

Captain Obvious said:


> Your gut is literally churning round and round over this yoga tool that fancies your wife, and she is about to go on a New Years Retreat with the yoga crew. And you won't be there. And this dude probably will. And she goes on coffee dates with him. And she's concerned about his weight. Wake the F up guy!


Thank you....100%


----------



## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

AdamsRob said:


> We have been married 8 years, overall a good marriage (second for both of us). This question post is quite tame and almost silly, but I'm becoming curious of when and if I should be concerned. My wife is gorgeous, bold and outgoing and by her own admission a bit of an odd duck. She recently started a long-term yoga certification training in the city close to where we live. This is a class where she spends two full days (weekends) approximately twice a month. In addition, the class is asked to attend yoga classes taught by the same instructor and others as part of the certification. There is one single man in the group, and I noticed his name coming up more and more in her discussions with me. When I was traveling out of state, she mentioned she was going to dinner to a friend's house in the class and she quickly added that this was a female friend. I'm not a jealous type, so it was kind of an odd clarification for her to make. Later, she added that the male friend was coming to the dinner also. In addition to the required all day classes, she started attending yoga classes 4-5 times a week. We do not lock our phones from each other and my curiosity got the best of me so I checked her texts. There were a few between them; him hoping they could have many more coffees together after class which she gave a 'heart' reply. It has become apparent that they attend the same classes many days during the week and from the credit card bills I can see that she goes to the coffee house almost every time after class (which is unusual for her to go out for coffee drinks that often). The texts were not flirty, but he would ask if she was attending different activities that he was going to. One was a holiday party that they both went to, another was a special session that she changed movie plans we had with the family so that she could attend after he asked her if she was going. She was showing me FB pictures of the class, and I noticed a few pics and videos that showed the two of them were working closely together, but since it is a small class that would not be unexpected. She also knows a lot about him, his background and life. She told me she was worried he was losing too much weight and getting too skinny because of his diet, etc. She recently asked if I would be ok if she spent a full weekend retreat (two nights) that the instructor was holding for about 7 members of the class at a resort over New Years eve/day. I supported her and she quickly signed up. I do not know if he is attending. We are hosting a small holiday party at our place for her class and he will be coming. This will be a chance to observe them together and see how he reacts to me. What should I watch for? Should I be concerned based on what I have shared?


Brother, you really need to wake up get your marriage under control, if its not to late already. Heres an example for you mull over. Your at a friend's house for a dinner party. An unmarried guest and his date show up and are introduced. Later, your wife is mingling with other guests and you notice that one of them is the unmarried guy. As you stand there talking with guests you notice him touch your wifes back several times and then run his hand lightly down to the small of her back. You just gonna stand there and let the guy do it. 90% of husbands will casually interupt this and say to the guy hey can I ask you something in private? So walk away with guy to another area, then turn to him and let him know exactly who you are and what you just saw him do. Tell him to shut up and listen to you and then tell him he has 5 minutes to get his date and leave or you will introduce him to some humiliation and pain! Capiche


----------



## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> She is a yoga instructor. They do retreats and things like that.


So who's her partner for the certification training to be a yoga instructor. Has th OP actually verified shes going to classes outside of certification. He sounds like a trusting sheeple and is about to get a dose of serious pain!


----------



## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It's just like weightlifting or something like that. Some people do it semi-professionally and it crosses over into the hobby category. If she's training, going to a retreat makes just as much sense. I didn't let her entirely off the hook, but the dude sounds like a pune, so I don't think his wife is attracted to him that way enough to jump to conclusions. If her husband isn't into yoga, why would he want to take his vacation time to go on a yoga retreat?
> 
> Just because a man joins her yoga group shouldn't be automatic cause for hysteria! But it bears watching, and she is going to bring her group around at the party, so not exactly covert behavior.


It should when she mentions a man in the group multiple times, texts with him without her husband's knowledge or level of comfort doing it, has texts talking about him enjoying having coffee with her and should do more often, knowing she's married, her answering with love emotions, starting to attend more often outside the certification classes, does 2 weekends a month away at the school, dodges family for this "hobby" and them asks if he has any issue her going on a retreat for the class for the new years? So ignoring OP now, spending less time with him, talking about another man, not informing OP she is texting another man he does not know, having coffee dates with this OM, then wanting to blow OP off for new years and a new years kiss with him to attend a retreat with yoga class group, that this guy is part of? So how do you think he should feel and act?


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

Because of my east-Indian background, I naturally have some knowledge about things like yoga and other stuff and let's just hope she's only doing yoga and not stuff from the Kama Sutra in her "yoga time"!

I kind of say the above about the Kama Sutra as tongue in cheek, but as long as we're on the subject:

What is Kama Sutra? - Definition from Yogapedia
Excerpts from above website:
The "_Kama Sutra"_ is an ancient Sanskrit text popularly known as a book on eroticism.
Like Hatha yoga, the "Kama Sutra" employs asanas and is sometimes considered to be the definitive link between sex and yoga. A few modern types of yoga make use of the "Kama Sutra's" asanas and philosophy, such as Kamasutra yoga and Sexy yoga.

Also, you might want to look up the different types of yoga and find out which type your wife does/is learning about and if it's more than one type. I'm assuming she's probably learning the "normal" type of yoga in class. But, given your concerns about her and the situation, it wouldn't be a bad idea to know for sure exactly which one(s) she does and is learning about--

Learning about in class and possibly learning from that man, that is. Because I'd also be wondering if this man is talking to your wife about sexual stuff in the name of yoga only because he hopes to sleep with her. And solely for the purpose of increasing his chances with her, he could be trying to convince her it (yoga+sex) is a spiritual thing or beneficial to health or whatever.

What Is Yoga Sex?
Excerpt from above website:
Yoga sex, which is sometimes simply called “flexible sex,” can bring its own health benefits, giving participants the opportunity to increase flexibility, strength, or balance through sexual activity.

It sounds like they spend a lot of time together on coffee dates (you said one lasted 1.5 hrs) and whatever else. Do you know for sure that she was in the coffee shop for 1.5 hours? An hour and a half just sounds like a long time for a married woman to sit in a coffee shop with a man who's not her husband.

As a side note: the website links were just quick to find, there might be better information on other sites.


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It seems that just having a guy join the class has kicked off the suspicions.


Well, no, it's not simply because there is a guy in the class:


AdamsRob said:


> Later, she added that the male friend was coming to the dinner also.





AdamsRob said:


> I checked her texts. There were a few between them; him hoping they could have many more coffees together after class which she gave a 'heart' reply.





AdamsRob said:


> It has become apparent that they attend the same classes many days during the week and from the credit card bills I can see that she goes to the coffee house almost every time after class (which is unusual for her to go out for coffee drinks that often).





AdamsRob said:


> she changed movie plans we had with the family so that she could attend after he asked her if she was going.





AdamsRob said:


> she had a coffee with him the other day after class, and I know that lasted about 1.5 hrs.


----------



## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

TinyTbone said:


> So who's her partner for the certification training to be a yoga instructor. Has th OP actually verified shes going to classes outside of certification. He sounds like a trusting sheeple and is about to get a dose of serious pain!


Nope, this "retreat" could very well be cover for the two of them having a weekend alone together. I would be shocked if a legitimate class meets for a retreat over one of the major north American holidays, like the New Year's Eve weekend... OP, this is a major red flag. In fact, it's a giant red flag. Please read the comments above and come up with a game plan before its too late.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Maybe he is gay?


----------



## UAArchangel (2 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> Maybe he is gay?


And is he driving a two seater?


----------



## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

so_sweet said:


> Well, no, it's not simply because there is a guy in the class:


Looks a chinese military parade!


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

frusdil said:


> If my inlaws were coming I'd totally be up for yoga, hell, I'd be up for anything that kept me away while they were there


Thankfully we both got along well with our inlaws. My wife's mother in particular was one of the kindest women I have ever met, and her daughter is just like her mother. My wife loves people, and as a consequence they all love her.

Unfortunately all of our inlaws are not here anymore or thousands of miles away. It would be wonderful if they some of them could come visit us.


----------



## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

gameopoly5 said:


> also do not let your wife go on that weekend retreat where I guarantee it will involve booze, that guy and partying.


AND, at the very least, a big fat New Year's Eve kiss when the ball drops. ..... or the balls drop.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Exit37 said:


> Nope, *this "retreat" could very well be cover for the two of them having a weekend alone together.* I would be shocked if a legitimate class meets for a retreat over one of the major north American holidays, like the New Year's Eve weekend... OP, this is a major red flag. In fact, it's a giant red flag. Please read the comments above and come up with a game plan before its too late.


That is my exact thought. New Year’s Eve is to spend with family and/or love ones. What organization sets up a New Year’s Eve retreat? Unless it’s for singles to mingle or for couples to reconnect. That your wife wants to spend that weekend without you to be with this guy is a beyond a red flag. I think it points to her already being in a PA. It may not yet be sexual, so that weekend would be to consummate their union. Yup, this guy is stealing your wife and you’re bending over backwards to be mister understanding. 

At your planned holiday get together, if he even shows, expect him to be aloof towards you. I bet you’ll be able to tell that they have something going on just by their body language.

Threads like this always sadden me. The husband ignores or suppresses their gut instinct that something is up. We have a thread of a woman who lives with her boyfriend for a few years and she says that she loves her boyfriend yet has been letting a manager talk and flirt with her to the point that he openly telling her he wants her and now she has feelings for the guy and asked what she should do. The thread started with her being pro boyfriend but as she revealed more, it was obvious that she had already fallen for new guy and is now plotting breaking up with her live in boyfriend. That’s classic monkey branching. Your wife may not be wanting to do that with this guy because I imagine he is below you on the socioeconomic level but she’s definitely down to give herself to him. Like everyone has already told you. Take action NOW.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Exit37 said:


> Nope, this "retreat" could very well be cover for the two of them having a weekend alone together. I would be shocked if a legitimate class meets for a retreat over one of the major north American holidays, like the New Year's Eve weekend...





jsmart said:


> That is my exact thought. New Year’s Eve is to spend with family and/or love ones. What organization sets up a New Year’s Eve retreat?
> 
> . Take action NOW.


Yeah, this "retreat" is actually taking a retreat from regular life and marriage in Room # 69 at some out of town Holiday Inn with the in-room jacuzzi. 

Given @AdamsRob level of naivete and denial, this could be an opportunity for him to discover the reality. If he were to act dumb, wish her well and send her on her way but hire a PI on the down low to follow, he would have pictures, times and places documenting their getaway.


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

syhoybenden said:


> AND, at the very least, a big fat New Year's Eve kiss when the ball drops. ..... or the balls drop.


BINGO!
Her first kiss of the year will be with her new boyfriend. That should be perfectly safe for OP's marriage ... SMFH.
@DownByTheRiver please tell us all how great this will be for their relationship and how innocent she is.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Yoga guy (doesn’t that say it all?) is gonna kick off the new year with a bang— of OP’s wife. 
Retreat? You gotta be f’ing kidding me……

OP……


----------



## Dgk2022 (5 mo ago)

Do you trust your wife? That is the key. As long as you and her are solid there, I would not worry so much. You will make yourself crazy. 

You can't control what the male friend feels for her. If your marriage is solid and she loves you and there is no reason for her to look elsewhere, she will maintain a friendship with this friend but that is it. 

She doesn't seem to be hiding him by inviting him to the house, and sure observe him, get to know him.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Dgk2022 said:


> Do you trust your wife? That is the key. As long as you and her are solid there, I would not worry so much. You will make yourself crazy.
> 
> You can't control what the male friend feels for her. If your marriage is solid and she loves you and there is no reason for her to look elsewhere, she will maintain a friendship with this friend but that is it.
> 
> She doesn't seem to be hiding him by inviting him to the house, and sure observe him, get to know him.


----------



## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

Dgk2022 said:


> Do you trust your wife? That is the key. As long as you and her are solid there, I would not worry so much. You will make yourself crazy.
> 
> You can't control what the male friend feels for her. If your marriage is solid and she loves you and there is no reason for her to look elsewhere, she will maintain a friendship with this friend but that is it.
> 
> She doesn't seem to be hiding him by inviting him to the house, and sure observe him, get to know him.


This is a valid point. She has to know that he is into her. She should not be participating in one on one situations with this guy. This includes coffees and over night trips when he is there. This situation has all the elements for an affair to establish and flourish. Many people who end up in affairs did not start out intending to have an affair. It is a matter of having boundaries. The open phones and communication is great. if any of that changes, it is too late. Remember, they see each other so often they don't need to communicate any other way. As I said before, I think even if nothing is going on right now, she is on a very slippery slope.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Rubix Cubed said:


> BINGO!
> Her first kiss of the year will be with her new boyfriend. That should be perfectly safe for OP's marriage ... SMFH.
> @DownByTheRiver please tell us all how great this will be for their relationship and how innocent she is.


And what part of his anatomy will she be kissing 😮


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

AdamsRob said:


> We have been married 8 years, overall a good marriage (second for both of us). This question post is quite tame and almost silly, but I'm becoming curious of when and if I should be concerned. My wife is gorgeous, bold and outgoing and by her own admission a bit of an odd duck. She recently started a long-term yoga certification training in the city close to where we live. This is a class where she spends two full days (weekends) approximately twice a month. In addition, the class is asked to attend yoga classes taught by the same instructor and others as part of the certification. There is one single man in the group, and I noticed his name coming up more and more in her discussions with me. When I was traveling out of state, *what a coincidence! *she mentioned she was going to dinner to a friend's house in the class and she quickly added that this was a female friend. I'm not a jealous type _*(the old “I don’t want to sound jealous and controlling trap*_), so it was kind of an odd clarification for her to make. Later, she added that the male friend was coming to the dinner also. * I wonder why? Why tell you LATERIn* addition to the required all day classes, she started attending yoga classes 4-5 times a week. We do not lock our phones from each other and my curiosity got the best of me so I checked her texts. There were a few between them; him hoping they could have many more coffees together after class which she gave a 'heart'* hmmmm. I give all the married ladies at work heart replies…. No not really, because that is inappropriate, right??*?reply. It has become apparent that they attend the same classes many days during the week and from the credit card bills I can see that she goes to the coffee house almost every time after class (which is unusual for her to go out for coffee drinks that often). The texts were not flirty, but he would ask if she was attending different activities that he was going to. One was a holiday party that they both went to, another was a special session that she changed movie plans we had with the family so that she could attend after he asked her if she was going. She was showing me FB pictures of the class, and I noticed a few pics and videos that showed the two of them were working closely together, but since it is a small class that would not be unexpected. She also knows a lot about him, his background and life. *Yeah, that happens when a couple are dating and doing “yoga” together*.She told me she was worried he was losing too much weight and getting too skinny because of his diet, etc. She recently asked if I would be ok if she spent a full weekend retreat (two nights) that the instructor was holding for about 7 members of the class at a resort over New Years eve/day. I supported her *you are encouraging your wife’s affair! Egads!!!! * and she quickly signed up. I do not know if he is attending.* Let me help you with that, of course he is and of course you do!* We are hosting a small holiday party at our place for her class and he will be coming. This will be a chance to observe them together and see how he reacts to me. What should I watch for? Should I be concerned based on what I have shared?


Quoted and commented on to point out the absurdity. This will be my last post on your thread. I wish you luck. You’re going to need it.


----------



## bygone (11 mo ago)

I think it's a relationship!your wife is interested in everything about the man, is that not normal, is she so interested in you and excited to spend time together?

1.5 hours is a long time, did you ask her to explain where she spent this time?

the class is small and has to meet everyone there but always moves in with the same guy

If you need proof, have someone follow up, one day they will bring proof, if they examine the app and phone they can recover deleted messages, apps,


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

Dgk2022 said:


> She doesn't seem to be hiding him by inviting him to the house


If she's having an affair with the guy, perhaps in her cheating mind, inviting him to the house is just another way to pull the wool over her husband's eyes.


----------



## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Also to remember. Yoga is very touchy feely with 2 people. His wife is being groomed and the OP is sitting their enjoying the show.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

We’ve had many threads where the wayward had their spouse interact with the affair partner. Usually it’s to throw their spouse off. Alleviate any suspicion their spouse will have but sometimes it backfires because the OP is aloof and is barely able to maintain their cool around the spouse. Other times it is done to allow the OP to humiliate the spouse by letting them prance about their house and sneak smooches or glances right behind their spouse’s back.

I suspect that yoga guy is much further along the path to bedding OP’s wife than he fears. Would not be surprised if they have already been kissing and walking hand in hand about town. If they had any overnights, then this guy has already tasted her.


----------



## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Hhhmmmn.....seems like he's read and left to do something.


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

AdamsRob said:


> She recently asked if I would be ok if she spent a full weekend retreat (two nights) that the instructor was holding for about 7 members of the class at a resort over New Years eve/day. I supported her and she quickly signed up. I do not know if he is attending.


When was this weekend retreat booked? In general, most places are all booked up for New Year's Eve quite in advance. But this instructor managed to book a New Year's Eve event recently and for SEVEN people, seven rooms?

Either the place is a dump and that's why they still had seven rooms available or there is no retreat getaway--not one the instructor booked for the class, anyway.

OP, you might want to find out the name of the place where the retreat is taking place and call them, ask if there is a yoga class event booked for seven people on New Year's. When you call, you could tell the retreat place that you're not sure if you've got the right place, but you wife's Yoga class is holding an event on New Year's, you want to surprise her and you want to make sure you're calling the right place.

Either the place says, no we don't have a yoga class of 7 booked on New Year's or they confirm it. At least you'll know. Although, if they do confirm it, I guess you still won't know if buddy will be there.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

so_sweet said:


> When was this weekend retreat booked? In general, most places are all booked up for New Year's Eve quite in advance. But this instructor managed to book a New Year's Eve event recently and for SEVEN people, seven rooms?
> 
> Either the place is a dump and that's why they still had seven rooms available or there is no retreat getaway--not one the instructor booked for the class, anyway.
> 
> ...


I can’t stand it. I’m poor and I’ll bet next 
Months salary there is no retreat but yoga man will def be wherever she booked.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

so_sweet said:


> If she's having an affair with the guy, perhaps in her cheating mind, inviting him to the house is just another way to pull the wool over her husband's eyes.


Best place to hide something is in plain sight. "Who? Me? I'm doing nothing wrong here! Sven and I are just good coffee buddies!"


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

so_sweet said:


> When was this weekend retreat booked? In general, most places are all booked up for New Year's Eve quite in advance. But this instructor managed to book a New Year's Eve event recently and for SEVEN people, seven rooms?
> 
> Either the place is a dump and that's why they still had seven rooms available or there is no retreat getaway--not one the instructor booked for the class, anyway.
> 
> ...


Isn't that a heck of a way to live? Husband, being left home alone over New Years Eve of all days! And here he has to call around checking what she is up to? I am sorry, but my vote would be for OP to tell her if she doesn't want to spend holidays home with him, Sven is welcome to have her full time. She is already gone, didn't bother to tell OP.


----------



## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Why not just screw all this and just talk directly to the owner of the yoga studio and find out whats actually going on, take little drive over and surprise the wife for coffee or lunch and just get this over with.


----------



## UAArchangel (2 mo ago)

Dgk2022 said:


> Do you trust your wife? That is the key. As long as you and her are solid there, I would not worry so much. You will make yourself crazy.
> 
> You can't control what the male friend feels for her. If your marriage is solid and she loves you and there is no reason for her to look elsewhere, she will maintain a friendship with this friend but that is it.
> 
> She doesn't seem to be hiding him by inviting him to the house, and sure observe him, get to know him.


If everything was on the up and up, she wouldn't be arranging time with him absent from the husband.


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

I just don't get it. I have zero desire to have male friends. What is the charm for a married woman to have a male friend? I like having female friends, gushing over our outfits, talking about beauty products, going shopping and stuff like that. I'm not saying I'm some perfect wife, but I honestly don't get why a married woman would want a male friend.

If there are married women here who disagree, please let me know how I'm wrong -- that's said sincerely, maybe I am not realizing something.


----------



## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

AdamsRob said:


> What should I watch for? Should I be concerned based on what I have shared?


its been a day since he checked this thread. if he isn't this worried about it i am beginning to wonder if he even cares his wife is or has cheated on him. really curious why her first marriage didn't work if she is so gorgeous. lots of questions but no answers


----------



## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

so_sweet said:


> I just don't get it. I have zero desire to have male friends. What is the charm for a married woman to have a male friend? I like having female friends, gushing over our outfits, talking about beauty products, going shopping and stuff like that. I'm not saying I'm some perfect wife, but I honestly don't get why a married woman would want a male friend.
> 
> If there are married women here who disagree, please let me know how I'm wrong -- that's said sincerely, maybe I am not realizing something.


it is simple did you see in his post where his wife self admittedly told him she is gorgeous, bold, outgoing. women that have low self-esteem look for the attention from as many males as they can boost self-esteem. women that know there beautiful inside and out could care less for male attention. his wife needs an craves it and attention from other males


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

so_sweet said:


> I just don't get it. I have zero desire to have male friends. What is the charm for a married woman to have a male friend? I like having female friends, gushing over our outfits, talking about beauty products, going shopping and stuff like that. I'm not saying I'm some perfect wife, but I honestly don't get why a married woman would want a male friend.
> 
> If there are married women here who disagree, please let me know how I'm wrong -- that's said sincerely, maybe I am not realizing something.


It’s because men are that damn awesome! You ladies can’t handle being with just one!


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

TinyTbone said:


> Why not just screw all this and.just talk directly to the.owner of the yoga studio and find out whats actually going on, take little dive over and.surprise the.wife for coffee or lunch and.just get this over with.


Because OP doesn't really want to face full on what he knows is going on. I feel sorry for OP. Terrible to be put in such a spot especially during the holidays by someone who vowed to forsake all others.


----------



## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Well he hasn't updated in a bit, so I'd assume he's using some advice and looking into things deeper. OP, you ok?


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

so_sweet said:


> Well, no, it's not simply because there is a guy in the class:


But she also does these things with the rest of the class so is she supposed to exclude him because he's a man?


----------



## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

so_sweet said:


> I just don't get it. I have zero desire to have male friends. What is the charm for a married woman to have a male friend? I like having female friends, gushing over our outfits, talking about beauty products, going shopping and stuff like that. I'm not saying I'm some perfect wife, but I honestly don't get why a married woman would want a male friend.
> 
> If there are married women here who disagree, please let me know how I'm wrong -- that's said sincerely, maybe I am not realizing something.


Most women prefer female friends. It seems when they silently build a resentment, that's when the things change with the dynamic of the relationship. Women are very good at being normal and men are just to damn trusting, especially in LTR's.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

TinyTbone said:


> Well he hasn't updated in a bit, so I'd assume he's using some advice and looking into things deeper. OP, you ok?


I imagine he has read more "advice" than he cares to. Doubt he will return.


----------



## Married12years (11 mo ago)

AdamsRob said:


> We have been married 8 years, overall a good marriage (second for both of us). This question post is quite tame and almost silly, but I'm becoming curious of when and if I should be concerned. My wife is gorgeous, bold and outgoing and by her own admission a bit of an odd duck. She recently started a long-term yoga certification training in the city close to where we live. This is a class where she spends two full days (weekends) approximately twice a month. In addition, the class is asked to attend yoga classes taught by the same instructor and others as part of the certification. There is one single man in the group, and I noticed his name coming up more and more in her discussions with me. When I was traveling out of state, she mentioned she was going to dinner to a friend's house in the class and she quickly added that this was a female friend. I'm not a jealous type, so it was kind of an odd clarification for her to make. Later, she added that the male friend was coming to the dinner also. In addition to the required all day classes, she started attending yoga classes 4-5 times a week. We do not lock our phones from each other and my curiosity got the best of me so I checked her texts. There were a few between them; him hoping they could have many more coffees together after class which she gave a 'heart' reply. It has become apparent that they attend the same classes many days during the week and from the credit card bills I can see that she goes to the coffee house almost every time after class (which is unusual for her to go out for coffee drinks that often). The texts were not flirty, but he would ask if she was attending different activities that he was going to. One was a holiday party that they both went to, another was a special session that she changed movie plans we had with the family so that she could attend after he asked her if she was going. She was showing me FB pictures of the class, and I noticed a few pics and videos that showed the two of them were working closely together, but since it is a small class that would not be unexpected. She also knows a lot about him, his background and life. She told me she was worried he was losing too much weight and getting too skinny because of his diet, etc. She recently asked if I would be ok if she spent a full weekend retreat (two nights) that the instructor was holding for about 7 members of the class at a resort over New Years eve/day. I supported her and she quickly signed up. I do not know if he is attending. We are hosting a small holiday party at our place for her class and he will be coming. This will be a chance to observe them together and see how he reacts to me. What should I watch for? Should I be concerned based on what I have shared?


Man, I wouldn't be comfortable with my wife going on dates and going out of town for new years with another guy. A lot of red flags. Did she tell you about the coffee dates? Or did you find this when you went through her phone? If she didn't tell you, you need to dead this now. It's not ok for a married woman to have coffee dates with a single guy and not tell her husband. Good luck be smart and protect your marriage my friend.


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> But she also does these things with the rest of the class so is she supposed to exclude him because he's a man?


I didn't see a post that mentioned she does the same things with the rest of the class.

I guess we disagree because from reading OP's posts, my thoughts are it's a case of the wife and yoga man spending time together where it's just the two of them (1.5 hour coffee date) and inappropriate behavior (heart emoji, changing family plans) and stuff like that is what's causing problems -- Quotes below just so it's easy to see what I'm talking about!



AdamsRob said:


> I checked her texts. There were a few between them; him hoping they could have many more coffees together after class which she gave a 'heart' reply.





AdamsRob said:


> another was a special session that she changed movie plans we had with the family so that she could attend after he asked her if she was going.





AdamsRob said:


> She did tell me she had a coffee with him the other day after class, and I know that lasted about 1.5 hrs.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

so_sweet said:


> I didn't see a post that mentioned she does the same things with the rest of the class.
> 
> I guess we disagree because from reading OP's posts, my thoughts are it's a case of the wife and yoga man spending time together where it's just the two of them (1.5 hour coffee date) and inappropriate behavior (heart emoji, changing family plans) and stuff like that is what's causing problems -- Quotes below just so it's easy to see what I'm talking about!


I've read his post. We're getting different things out of it. It absolutely says she's gone to get coffee with different members of the class and that they're having a party.


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I've read his post. We're getting different things out of it. It absolutely says she's gone to get coffee with different members of the class and that they're having a party.


It seems that we are getting different things out of it!
Maybe OP will come back and clarify a little.


----------



## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I've read his post. We're getting different things out of it. It absolutely says she's gone to get coffee with different members of the class and that they're having a party.


You may want to read the OP post again .. he only talks about the OM getting coffee dates.. not any others from class


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You two are certainly cherry-picking. The dinner was attended by not just him but another person from the class that she went to, and that's who she first accepted the invitation from. The seminar is something all seven members are expected to attend. The holiday party involved the other people in the class, not just him. She is friends with all these other people in the class. The other person in the class at the dinner had to be a woman because it's been said that he is the only man in the class. The other members who are supposed to go to the seminar have to be women because it said that he is the only man in the class. Whoever is having the holiday party must be women because it is said that he is the only man in the class.

Get off me.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

And when the op comes back here and says she's cheating, we still won't know if it's because this forum convinced him she was cheating or if she really is cheating with the new guy in class that she says is too skinny. She must indeed be desperate.


----------



## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You two are certainly cherry-picking. The dinner was attended by not just him but another person from the class that she went to, and that's who she first accepted the invitation from. The seminar is something all seven members are expected to attend. The holiday party involved the other people in the class, not just him. She is friends with all these other people in the class. The other person in the class at the dinner had to be a woman because it's been said that he is the only man in the class. The other members who are supposed to go to the seminar have to be women because it said that he is the only man in the class. Whoever is having the holiday party must be women because it is said that he is the only man in the class.
> 
> Get off me.


If you read the post he was out of town when she told him of this and he mentioned how it was uncharacteristic of her to mention this to him which he thought was odd.. plus being out of town how the hec does he know if she lying or not?


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

It has occurred to me...

The OM, the Yoga man.

Who is he?
What does he do for a living?
How is he surviving, if not working?

If AR's wife is going to dump her husband for this dude, and make him husband #3, I can only ask why?
Uh, WTF!

Maybe, he is a large _Trust Fund_ baby.



TinyTbone said:


> Also to remember. Yoga is very touchy feely with 2 people. His wife is being groomed and the OP is sitting their enjoying the show.


Some of the moves may initially require help, to attain.

They put you in some revealing positions.

Touchy freely could an understatement.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

TheGodfather said:


> If you read the post he was out of town when she told him of this and he mentioned how it was uncharacteristic of her to mention this to him which he thought was odd.. plus being out of town how the hec does he know if she lying or not?


How does she know he wasn't cheating while he was out of town? Just because a person can doesn't mean they will.


----------



## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> How does she know he wasn't cheating while he was out of town? Just because a person can doesn't mean they will.


Very true and possibly the reason she is behaving like this.. maybe he is causing this issue. Hopefully he will come back an let us know


----------



## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

Yes some clarification would be helpful. OP did not say yoga boy was the only male in the class. He said that yoga boy was the only single male in the class. Also, the class size is not specifically stated. They are having a party for about 7 members of the class. The class could be 7 people with only 1 male, but we can't be sure. I hope OP clarifies this for us.


----------



## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> But she also does these things with the rest of the class so is she supposed to exclude him because he's a man?


Nope, but for propriety sake she not be alone with him. Also did she say their were only seven in this class or more? A valid point about him out of town as well. 2 sides to all stories and most on forums do portray themselves as victims only revealing what's needed to sway opinion.


----------



## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Married12years said:


> Man, I wouldn't be comfortable with my wife going on dates and going out of town for new years with another guy. A lot of red flags. Did she tell you about the coffee dates? Or did you find this when you went through her phone? If she didn't tell you, you need to dead this now. It's not ok for a married woman to have coffee dates with a single guy and not tell her husband. Good luck be smart and protect your marriage my friend.


Especially if its a new make acquaintance that you don't know!


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You two are certainly cherry-picking. The dinner was attended by not just him but another person from the class that she went to, and that's who she first accepted the invitation from.* The seminar is something all seven members are expected to attend*. seminar?? Lmao The holiday party involved the other people in the class, not just him. She is friends with all these other people in the class. She just doesn’t go to 1.5 hr coffee dates with them, or know their life story, or worry about their weight, or change dates with her husband for the others….. but I guess I’m a cherry picker too. The other person in the class at the dinner had to be a woman because it's been said that he is the only man in the class. The other members who are supposed to go to the seminar have to be women because it said that he is the only man in the class. Whoever is having the holiday party must be women because it is said that he is the only man in the class.
> 
> Get off me.


Riv, can you seriously not see that the OP is clearly alarmed, clearly getting cheated on, and clearly a man that would rather do ANYTHING other than suspect his wife is cheating— but even he has reached the point that he smells a rat?
Why can’t you realize that all men aren’t evil abusers and qualify as human, and that some women who have good husbands actually abuse THEM????

The OP really needs to step up and have a long conversation with his wife about her new boyfriend, although it’s almost positively too late.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Don't you know by now that I don't care whether y'all agree with me or not?

Blah blah blah.


----------



## Dgk2022 (5 mo ago)

QuietGuy said:


> This is a valid point. She has to know that he is into her. She should not be participating in one on one situations with this guy. This includes coffees and over night trips when he is there. This situation has all the elements for an affair to establish and flourish. Many people who end up in affairs did not start out intending to have an affair. It is a matter of having boundaries. The open phones and communication is great. if any of that changes, it is too late. Remember, they see each other so often they don't need to communicate any other way. As I said before, I think even if nothing is going on right now, she is on a very slippery slope.


I don't disagree that its something to keep an eye on. 

I also don't disagree with any amount of sharing how you feel on the situation as long as it doesn't come off as accusational. It's a 'put yourself in my shoes situation'. 

I don't know if there's a background or any reason not to trust. So thats why I said IF. And therefore, still a matter of trust to an extent, hence the don't come of as accusing. Start it as how you trust her if so, but that ou don't know said person?


----------



## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Don't you know by now that I don't care whether y'all agree with me or not?
> 
> Blah blah blah.


You go girl!!!


----------



## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It's probably just innocent and group things. But it's good you are doing the holiday party because just in case he has any ideas (this too skinny guy for her to be attracted to?) he quickly sees you are a good couple and she is not in play. She likely feels maternal towards him. He sounds a little needy, and of course, he could develop a crush on her and others in the group, but if you have no reason to distrust her already, I don't see this as one. On that time she added later he would be attending, she may not have known until later. First line of defense is just you be a visible spouse. That doesn't mean overdoing it and being possessive in public with PDAs or anything like that which could turn people on you, but just be the model husband at this party.
> 
> You've seen the guy's photo. Is he even attractive? He doesn't sound like it.
> 
> And also, once the party has happened, if your fears amp up, you should be honest and tell her that after meeting him, you are becoming uncomfortable with her going on the long retreat.


Really?


----------



## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

DownByTheRiver said:


> This is the only guy in her yoga class, unless I'm missing something. It seems that just having a guy join the class has kicked off the suspicions. Of course, we don't know, because this is a new poster, if there is a history of her cheating or he himself cheating or matrimonial discontent or some reason the risk factor is greater.


Just having a single guy in the class is not at all what 'kicked off the suspicions'.


----------



## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

DownByTheRiver said:


> And when the op comes back here and says she's cheating, we still won't know if it's because this forum convinced him she was cheating or if she really is cheating with the new guy in class that she says is too skinny. She must indeed be desperate.


He is too skinny. Surely she cannot be cheating. You have mentioned the 'skinny' thing a couple times now and what OP said about her making that comment makes it look like she is MORE invested emotionally in this guy.


----------



## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

TinyTbone said:


> You go girl!!!


And take your dog with you.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> It has occurred to me...
> 
> The OM, the Yoga man.
> 
> ...


Most people don’t dump their spouse for the AP. They just screw the AP and have wild monkey sex while the BS does all fun stuff at home like the laundry and dishes and cleaning the garage and scrubbing the toilets and stuff while the WS tells them they aren’t in the mood or are too tired (from screwing AP) to have any love’n with them.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

uwe.blab said:


> He is too skinny. Surely she cannot be cheating. You have mentioned the 'skinny' thing a couple times now and what OP said about her making that comment makes it look like she is MORE invested emotionally in this guy.


A skinny person can likely, and easier do those Yoga poses!

He is the perfect candidate!


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> A skinny person can likely, and easier do those Yoga poses!
> 
> He is the perfect candidate!


Her telling the OP that Sven From Yoga is too skinny is actually her backhanded way of telling the OP that the OP is too fat.


----------



## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

uwe.blab said:


> He is too skinny. Surely she cannot be cheating. You have mentioned the 'skinny' thing a couple times now and what OP said about her making that comment makes it look like she is MORE invested emotionally in this guy.


Remember, it seems they always affair down.


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

1 post and he hasn't been back I guess he took up Yoga.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Rubix Cubed said:


> 1 post and he hasn't been back I guess he took up Yoga.


Many can spin a Tale, not everyone can carry on a dialogue.

Another grenade tosser?
I hope not....

Hello, @AdamsRob !

Report for duty!


----------



## Kput (3 mo ago)

My thoughts as well. Either that or naivety on an industrial scale.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

uwe.blab said:


> He is too skinny. Surely she cannot be cheating. You have mentioned the 'skinny' thing a couple times now and what OP said about her making that comment makes it look like she is MORE invested emotionally in this guy.


The he’s so skinny is a classic move to try to throw a spouse off. He’s skinny/fat/not good looking/ not m type, etc are all to throw a spouse off the scent. Men and women use that line ALL the time. How many threads have we had of a wayward affairing down. Woman are more drawn by a guys confident swag or status than just appearance which sometimes gives us guys a false sense of confidence. And women can fall into that trap too. They’ll see the OW is chubby or is not as pretty as her but forget that if OW is putting out her feminine energy that she’s hot for the guy; she may be able to get him to pursue her.


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> Her telling the OP that Sven From Yoga is too skinny is actually her backhanded way of telling the OP that the OP is too fat.


It's to assuage her guilt. She feels by bringing him up to the BH she's being honest and up front and then throws in negatives about the AP to make the BH feel the AP is not a threat. It's human nature and she's not committed or good enough at lying yet to keep it all hidden, but she'll get there.


----------



## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

This all has so many cliche red flags for cheating that it is crazy.

OP, be warned, if you confront her without rock solid evidence, you will regret it....

The reason is that you will now be wondering if there really is something that has already happened between them, and if you confront her, the affair will either go under-ground (most likely scenario) or stop (less likely - it is like a dopamine drug).... and then you will never know what really happened and will wonder about it for eternity.

If I were you, I would go into a eyes open, mouth-shut recon mode for a few weeks. If she is going to the New Years retreat, you need some surveillance on that. Also, you need to think about what is a deal-breaker for you. At a minimum, you are going to find that she is being deceitful to you about her relationship with this guy.

In the meantime, you need to start questioning and checking everything:

How are you sure that these trips to the city for Yoga, are ALL for yoga? Does she pay per class, can you align the payments?

How do you know what time she goes? Does she leave work earlier ... can you verify or check her PTO / vacation / sick time to see? It is usually tracked on pay stubs...

Is she calling this guy? If so, search on here for info about placing a VAR in her car.

She is essentially dating this guy... and no man is going to put that much effort toward any woman without some getting something in return.

You've acted naively so far, and blindly trusting her to get this close with any man was a bad move.

Do not confront, go into surveillance mode, verify everything, and again do not confront yet.

You might want to read "not just friends" to see what you are dealing with... but don't tell her about that book yet until you verify what is really going on.

Good luck, and I hope you report back...


----------



## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

AdamsRob said:


> We have been married 8 years, overall a good marriage (second for both of us). This question post is quite tame and almost silly, but I'm becoming curious of when and if I should be concerned. My wife is gorgeous, bold and outgoing and by her own admission a bit of an odd duck. She recently started a long-term yoga certification training in the city close to where we live. This is a class where she spends two full days (weekends) approximately twice a month. In addition, the class is asked to attend yoga classes taught by the same instructor and others as part of the certification. There is one single man in the group, and I noticed his name coming up more and more in her discussions with me. When I was traveling out of state, she mentioned she was going to dinner to a friend's house in the class and she quickly added that this was a female friend. I'm not a jealous type, so it was kind of an odd clarification for her to make. Later, she added that the male friend was coming to the dinner also. In addition to the required all day classes, she started attending yoga classes 4-5 times a week. We do not lock our phones from each other and my curiosity got the best of me so I checked her texts. There were a few between them; him hoping they could have many more coffees together after class which she gave a 'heart' reply. It has become apparent that they attend the same classes many days during the week and from the credit card bills I can see that she goes to the coffee house almost every time after class (which is unusual for her to go out for coffee drinks that often). The texts were not flirty, but he would ask if she was attending different activities that he was going to. One was a holiday party that they both went to, another was a special session that she changed movie plans we had with the family so that she could attend after he asked her if she was going. She was showing me FB pictures of the class, and I noticed a few pics and videos that showed the two of them were working closely together, but since it is a small class that would not be unexpected. She also knows a lot about him, his background and life. She told me she was worried he was losing too much weight and getting too skinny because of his diet, etc. She recently asked if I would be ok if she spent a full weekend retreat (two nights) that the instructor was holding for about 7 members of the class at a resort over New Years eve/day. I supported her and she quickly signed up. I do not know if he is attending. We are hosting a small holiday party at our place for her class and he will be coming. This will be a chance to observe them together and see how he reacts to me. What should I watch for? Should I be concerned based on what I have shared?


I would say that based on what you say, he seems to be interested in your wife, and I would imagine probably more than just a friendship. I know you want to be supportive, but I'm not sure if her going to a retreat where he could possibly be there is a great idea. I think it's interesting that he is coming to your holiday event, so keep an eye out for sure. Be sure to be extra affectionate with your wife, and see his reaction. 

Then based on what you observe, either you'll need to place some boundaries down, or hopefully it's nothing and their friendship should be trusted. But if you are uncomfortable with their friendship, your wife needs to know ASAP. Ask her how she would feel if you were doing this, if the shoe was on the other foot. You don't want any long standing resentment toward your wife because YOU weren't clear about what you want or what you expect of her.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Many times a wayward knows what they’re doing is not kosher but they delude themselves as they try to pull the wool over their spouse’s eyes, that nothing is really happening. He’s just a friend. It’s just a little flirting. It’s just a little hug. Etc. 

Look at the thread of the 24 year old whose manager was blatantly pursuing her for sex and to go on a date, even though she knows she lives with her boyfriend. It started off with her knowing she was wrong but kept telling herself, I love my boyfriend. He’s a great guy, etc. But she allowed things with OM to get steamier to the point that only the OM matters. The boyfriend that she lives with will now be dumped after weeks of him suspecting that something was wrong. She kept lying that nothing is wrong which was to get her boyfriend to back off, which allowed her EA to grow in intimacy to the point that now she’s ready to move on. 

The same with the other poster who was drawn to a guy that gazed into her eyes and she couldn’t stop thinking of the guy. 12 years of marriage and three kids and she can barely contain herself; even posting that eye gazer could have had her long time ago.

All that to say that it is foolish to ignore your gut or to sit idly by as a seed of adultery grows.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Rubix Cubed said:


> she's not committed or good enough at lying yet to keep it all hidden, but she'll get there.


Yes she will get there. She has shown great dedication and determination to getting with Sven. She will go far with him.


----------



## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

You can see the progression...Yes he is pursuing your wife , sounds like she is on board...She knows if your family is there you won't be able to pursue it..Let her go to the NYE party / event... Perfect time for a PI if you can afford it..Get those answers


----------



## AdamsRob (26 d ago)

I'm not sure my reply posts (only two since my original) are coming through. I do not see them with the rest of your posts. Hopefully I'm not missing some detail here on my replies. Please let me know if you see this and another reply I sent a few hours ago. Thank you.


----------



## AdamsRob (26 d ago)

I'm not sure my reply posts (only two since my original) are coming through. I do not see them with the rest of your posts. Hopefully I'm not missing some detail here on my replies. Please let me know if you see this and another reply I sent a few hours ago. Thank you.


----------



## reetooo (23 d ago)

AdamsRob said:


> I'm not sure my reply posts (only two since my original) are coming through. I do not see them with the rest of your posts. Hopefully I'm not missing some detail here on my replies. Please let me know if you see this and another reply I sent a few hours ago. Thank you.


Yep, two replies came through 1 minute apart.


----------



## AdamsRob (26 d ago)

OK, it appears that my update post from last night is lost and didn't make it through. I'll try my best to recreate it now and fill in the blanks if needed when I return later tonight.
To clarify a few items or misperceptions:

Yoga for her is not a hobby, it is part of her business combined with other skills she has attained over the years her training sessions will make a good income.
'Swen' is a student, not an instructor in the the same instruction certification course.
I know that she is a yoga each time she says she is going (class time and general yoga classes held at the same place) because I can look at the family tracking system we use for our kids. I can see where she is and for how long and she can see me also.
There is very little texting, and the texting (except for the couple of exceptions in my original post) are quite short and to the point. A question asked and answered, usually about a course, are you going, etc. No flirting in the texts except the coffee comment. One text she told him that he is "a dear, dear friend"...I believe I left that out in my original post.
There are no phone calls that I can see, except one time she left him a VM, and texted him later to see if he received it. No more details on that.

The small holiday party took place the other day. Due to a big snow storm, most people ended up cancelling last minute but he still showed up. He was very pleasant and spent most of the party chatting with me about all sorts of topics such as politics, faith, yoga, business, etc. I had no indications of anything 'special' between them. He at one point asked how my wife and I met and she gave a very warm and glowing overview of our meeting and how I was the perfect match for her that she had been waiting for, etc. This hardly felt like a conversation a potential cheater would have. He strikes me as a 'lost sheep' trying to figure out what is next in his life personally and business wise also. He also was trying to get me to join the yoga classes so that he wasn't the only male there. He also told me about the long coffee meeting he had with her the day before....no sense of hiding anything.

After the party, I was feeling pretty confident that I was worrying about nothing. A couple of texts that came through the next day (after the party) however made me wonder again. One was my wife asking if he could meet her again for coffee because she had something she wanted to discuss with him. He readily agreed. Second, he sent a picture of the two of them (selfie style), heads touching, her arm around his shoulder that he must have taken at yoga class a few days ago. Not a particularly 'romantic' looking photo. The new coffee meeting is probably today, I'm driving to a different city to get my family from the airport and will be gone until later this evening so will not catch up here again today most likely.

Sorry for taking so long to post back in 'dialog' fashion, I've been reading all posts but had little time to craft anything due to us pulling out the stops to get everything ready for a two week stay of my father (who is older and actually I'm quite surprised he is making the trip up to cold weather land).

If this is a repeat of the post that I think was lost, my apologies!


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

That he acted normal towards you at your holiday get together is positive but we I’m still not convinced nothing isn’t brewing. You can’t discount how she changed plans with you when she learned that he was going to some outing. 

Didn’t realize that you have kids. To me that makes her wanting to go away for New Year’s Eve weekend getaway from you and the family is that much more of a red flag. Not getting dedicated wife/mom vibe. I see a woman that’s putting herself into position of availability. She Knows this guy has his eye on her. They’ve been on a few coffee dates. How come she doesn’t have these with the other women? If they have been there, it’s for cover. Keep your eyes open. Also, I would have her cancel that getaway. I’m telling you, protect your family.


----------



## AdamsRob (26 d ago)

Just to clarify, the kids are mine from a previous marriage. They are 50/50 split, son is already away to university second year but back for the holidays and my daughter is a senior in high school. She has met at least one of the women for coffee, because she interviewed her for an article she is writing. FYI only.


----------



## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Doveryai, no proveryai. (Доверяй, но проверяй)

In English ..... Trust, but verify.

Run silent, run deep.


----------



## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

She couldn't just text the guy about what she wanted to discuss with him ? 

Why the coffee date ?

Smoke and mirrors....


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

AdamsRob said:


> I'm driving to a different city to get my family from the airport and will be gone until later this evening so will not catch up here again today most likely.


So she knows you are gone all day? Mmmmm. MY wife goes with ME to pick up out of town visitors at the airport. She isn't taking selfies with another man while I am gone all day.

I think Sven and your wife did a good job of "snowing" you at the holiday get-together. They both put you to sleep again by behaving just so and saying all of the right words.

IMO, married people don't have dates with the opposite sex. If you are ok with it, good luck and enjoy.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

AdamsRob said:


> OK, it appears that my update post from last night is lost and didn't make it through. I'll try my best to recreate it now and fill in the blanks if needed when I return later tonight.
> To clarify a few items or misperceptions:
> 
> Yoga for her is not a hobby, it is part of her business combined with other skills she has attained over the years her training sessions will make a good income.
> ...


Sorry about the 'dialogue' comment.
Thank you for returning, here.

We get a lot of Threads that go dark after an enticing post or two.

It makes for frustration, as you can imagine.

TAM participants are a jaded lot.
The stories read here, predispose them to that.

Another question:

You say you are having guests over for New Years?

I would be curious to see their faces when they ask where your wife is (and why) during NYE and day.

People are people, so expect the incredulous looks.

You seem a trusting fellow.

I hope your wife continues to earn that trust.

People here will try to spin this lanky and slim Swen into a master of disguise, he having only a _very thin_ veneer of honesty.

He may be clever by two, the stuff of (small stature) ambushing jackals.

Good luck.

The _pulling of wool over one's eyes (oft mentioned) _thing.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

One other point, an obvious one.

Your writing here, showing your concern, and possible doubts, is revealing in itself.
Am, I correct in stating this?

Your doubts, translate into our doubts, yes, inspire them.
And, amplify them.

Hmm?


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

syhoybenden said:


> Doveryai, no proveryai. (Доверяй, но проверяй)
> 
> In English ..... Trust, but verify.
> 
> Run silent, run deep.


_Run Silent Run Deep_, one of my favorite quips I have enjoyed, a few times, and offered up here on TAM..

Into the _Bongo Straights,_ thou goeth.

If discovered, all hell, in the form of thunderous drums shall descend upon thee.
Tearing you open, rendering you all, dead and bloody, into the sea.
Into the sea, unmade

(my words, not from the script)


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

AdamsRob said:


> OK, it appears that my update post from last night is lost and didn't make it through. I'll try my best to recreate it now and fill in the blanks if needed when I return later tonight.
> To clarify a few items or misperceptions:
> 
> Yoga for her is not a hobby, it is part of her business combined with other skills she has attained over the years her training sessions will make a good income.
> ...


Your interaction with him seems very promising and is generally good news, but I still wouldn't be 100% convinced everything is above board. Your wife maybe, but not with yoga man. The way I see it, you have 2 choices on how to move forward. Go to her and tell her you feel uncomfortable with the too close direction her friendship is heading with this man or keep quiet and stay sharp. 

I personally would have to say something to my wife. I wouldn't tell her what to do, but I would tell her exactly how I'm feeling and why. I would tell her from the perspective of a man, every woman is a potential sexual partner. The nicer and closer she gets the more that will be on his mind. This is just the way I believe most if not all men think, especially single men that befriend married women. Sorry, I just don't trust us men as a whole, lol. 

There are some that will say you shouldn't say a thing and just watch. 2 main reasons for this. 

The big one is you don't want to show your hand too quickly if there is something going on. They will go deeper underground and it will be harder for you to see what if anything is going on. I personally would only keep my mouth shut like this if I was already really, really suspicious of something going on and I just needed a little more information to know for sure. 

The other reason is cheaters are gonna cheat and if you have to tell your spouse to stop doing something that is cheating or has a high risk of leading to cheating maybe you should just let them roll with it to see who they really are. Let them show their real character. It would be a test of sorts. Although I understand this point of view I just couldn't go this route. I want to protect my spouse, which could include protecting them from their own bad choices. Here is how I think of this. My wife was going to mix some bleach and ammonia to make a really good cleaner and disinfectant. Should I let her go and learn a lesson about how little she knows about chemistry and how that will make a deadly gas? Or should I tell her what she is doing is very dangerous? It will do a great job of cleaning and disinfecting, but it is worth the risk? Likewise, if my wife is engaging in behavior I see as dangerous to our marriage I MUST say something. She may not realize that she is getting too close. These things rarely happened with a snap of the fingers. It builds over time. Those feelings grow and end up overwhelming the feelings for her husband. I know soulmates don't exist and we are basically hormone driven machines and as a result we can end up doing things we never intended to do at the start. 

So, all that is to say my advice is to talk with your wife. Calmly and rationally explain why you are feeling a little uncomfortable. See how she reacts. Even if she doesn't offer to immediately cut this guy off 100%, she should at least acknowledge your feelings and attempt to see things from your perspective. She should be concerned about your concern for the health of your marriage.


----------



## UAArchangel (2 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I personally would have to say something to my wife. I wouldn't tell her what to do, but I would tell her exactly how I'm feeling and why. I would tell her from the perspective of a man, every woman is a potential sexual partner. The nicer and closer she gets the more that will be on his mind. This is just the way I believe most if not all men think, especially single men that befriend married women. Sorry, I just don't trust us men as a whole, lol.


Unless a man has a confirmed history of being able to maintain friendships with women, with no sexual interaction to those who should be unavailable to him.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

UAArchangel said:


> Unless a man has a confirmed history of being able to maintain friendships with women, with no sexual interaction to those who should be unavailable to him.


That is true, but hard to know about a person's history without getting into some very personal conversation territory. Just getting to that point could pose a considerable risk.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Your interaction with him seems very promising and is generally good news, but I still wouldn't be 100% convinced everything is above board. Your wife maybe, but not with yoga man. The way I see it, you have 2 choices on how to move forward. Go to her and tell her you feel uncomfortable with the too close direction her friendship is heading with this man or keep quiet and stay sharp.
> 
> I personally would have to say something to my wife. I wouldn't tell her what to do, but I would tell her exactly how I'm feeling and why. I would tell her from the perspective of a man, every woman is a potential sexual partner. The nicer and closer she gets the more that will be on his mind. This is just the way I believe most if not all men think, especially single men that befriend married women. Sorry, I just don't trust us men as a whole, lol.
> 
> ...


I have to co-sign my name on to this excellent post. I too would NOT wait to STRONGLY voice my concern with how her “friendship” with is guy makes me feel. I also advise that you shut down this New Year’s Eve get away. If you let her go, then for sure they will be consummating their budding relationship. You need to stop her to protect what you have. 

We have so many threads where the BH can see the train wreck coming but he did not strongly fight to defend the marriage. Being all high minded about trusting her, or “I know her”, or just being afraid to be called controlling. Well F that. She can complain all she wants but she’s either with me or without me. Let her decide. If she chooses spending NYE with yoga dude, then I would put the wheels in motion to bounce. With no kids together, my tolerance for what she’s pulling would be at zero.


----------



## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

No mention on NYE in your replies, unless I missed it.

YOU HAVE BEEN GIVEN REALLY GOOD ADVICE ON HERE BUT IT IS UP TO YOU TO DECIDE WHAT YOU DO WITH IT.

Man or mouse - you decide (squeak, squeak)


----------



## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

When you pick your family up from the airport and they ask you where your wife is or what she is doing, make sure to tell them she's on a coffee date with Sven and see how they react. Why couldn't she "discuss" what she needed to with him at yoga class?


----------



## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

John, I'm speechless

him speaking to you and her talking about how you guys met is a good cover story. she might not love him or have emotional affair but she might enjoy being physical. check this post, it looks and feels the same as your story 



https://www.talkaboutmarriage.com/threads/wife-apparently-cheated-last-year.443944/



the wife deeply in love with her husband but at the same time, she was physically involved with her gym buddy even during a time when her husband was in the hospital. 
message him for advice 
*VintageRetro*


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

jsmart said:


> I have to co-sign my name on to this excellent post. I too would NOT wait to STRONGLY voice my concern with how her “friendship” with is guy makes me feel. I also advise that you shut down this New Year’s Eve get away. If you let her go, then for sure they will be consummating their budding relationship. You need to stop her to protect what you have.
> 
> We have so many threads where the BH can see the train wreck coming but he did not strongly fight to defend the marriage. Being all high minded about trusting her, or “I know her”, or just being afraid to be called controlling. Well F that. She can complain all she wants but she’s either with me or without me. Let her decide. If she chooses spending NYE with yoga dude, then I would put the wheels in motion to bounce. With no kids together, my tolerance for what she’s pulling would be at zero.


This^^^ and @BigDaddyNY 's post are on target and, I feel as well, exactly how you should proceed and quickly before things go to far (if they indeed have not yet). *Do NOT tell her you have read or can read her texts!* If she gives you an adamant argument or an angry response then go 'Mouth shut, Eyes open mode' and don't bring it up again until you have evidence (in my tagline is a great thread for gathering evidence). That said if you let her go on the NYE trip there will be no turning back, like posted numerous times they will most likely consummate there relationship on that romantic trip.
Are you still all in for allowing that trip? You should really re-think that.

e.t.a. Glad you came back with an update. Everyone posting wants to help you. Many of us have seen this same situation unfold on this forum DOZENS of times. You start seeing the trends, commonalities, and cliche's in all of these stories. Yours has far too many of them.


----------



## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

AdamsRob said:


> OK, it appears that my update post from last night is lost and didn't make it through. I'll try my best to recreate it now and fill in the blanks if needed when I return later tonight.
> To clarify a few items or misperceptions:
> 
> Yoga for her is not a hobby, it is part of her business combined with other skills she has attained over the years her training sessions will make a good income.
> ...


OP, do you have a trusted friend who can go observe the coffee meeting? Or can you splurge for a PI, if you know where it is and the time it might only cost you a few hundred dollars... Would be worth it in my book ,especially if he can get close enough to hear what they are talking about.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Good thing he's not the type to let a bunch of jaded people on a forum ruin his marriage for him.

And good thing I'm not the type of person to say I told you so.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I just saw the headline of this thread and said out loud to myself, "Yes" before reading anything.

But oh boy is it a hell yes now.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Exit37 said:


> OP, do you have a trusted friend who can go observe the coffee meeting? Or can you splurge for a PI, if you know where it is and the time it might only cost you a few hundred dollars... Would be worth it in my book ,especially if he can get close enough to hear what they are talking about.


This. Have someone go and observe and try to listen in. 

Geez I would volunteer to do it if I thought I lived near you.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

AdamsRob said:


> OK, it appears that my update post from last night is lost and didn't make it through. I'll try my best to recreate it now and fill in the blanks if needed when I return later tonight.
> To clarify a few items or misperceptions:
> 
> Yoga for her is not a hobby, it is part of her business combined with other skills she has attained over the years her training sessions will make a good income.
> ...


Oh brother. It's always the lost sheep.

This guy is REALLY into your wife. Make no mistake. He moves mountains, literally climbs over snow drifts, to be around her. He asks for her time. Etc.

Your wife probably doesn't realize this. She probably thinks he's a good friend. She enjoys his company as a friend and honestly probably enjoys the attention from him.

What she doesn't realize, is she's being groomed.

Your gut is almost never wrong, my friend. This is a snake in the grass, eyeing your gorgeous wife, trying to spend as much time as possible with her, and all it will take is one little crack, one little problem and he will be there to pounce and insert himself, literally, into your place.

Ignore this at your own peril


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Selfies with arms around, coffee dates one on one, yoga classes together………

OP, in my area MEN don’t go to yoga classes. That would be pretty unmanly. But after seeing yoga pants, I am rethinking my stance.

Ever wonder why this guy (instead of lifting weights, running, getting involved in Sports with other men, etc) is all into yoga and do you REALLY think he’s hating being the only man in the class, and just HATES having coffee dates with YOUR wife?

To me, the guy sounds like a snake in the grass

book for your wife: “Not just friends” by Shirley Glass.


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> And good thing I'm not the type of person to say I told you so.


Did you get the sequel before its release?
Because there is nothing in this story so far that lends itself to your apologist stance and a happy ending.
You are jumping the gun by a long shot.
If the "I told you so" was so important to you then maybe you would have taken it to heart the hundreds of times you've pushed your "men are bad ... period" narrative and been dead wrong. JLD all over again.
You never seem to come back and eat your well-deserved crow.
There are WAY too many red flags here for Sven to be a completely innocent buddy.


----------



## avgwarhawk (27 d ago)

Gotta watch these "oh whoa is me" guys. I have seen them play the lost lamb or victim. Next thing you know your wife states, "He needed me" and in the way you are thinking he needed your wife. Been there brother. Trust but verify.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

avgwarhawk said:


> Next thing you know your wife states, "He needed me"


Women are prone to love and help the poor lost sheep. It is in their core to nurture and nurse the wounded back to health. Some guys play this card to the hilt.

Just remember, Sven is the only male in a class full of women. He probably getting all the attention he can handle, so the hens are competing for his attention. He is one smart dude! Like friend of mine in HS who took a home economics class. Us guys thot he was gay. He was far from it. Had entire class vying for his attention.


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Rus47 said:


> Just remember, Sven is the only male in a class full of women. He probably getting all the attention he can handle, so *the hens are competing for his attention*.


 That creates a whole new set of possible problems.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Rus47 said:


> *Women are prone to love and help the poor lost sheep.* It is in their core to nurture and nurse the wounded back to health. Some guys play this card to the hilt.
> 
> Just remember, Sven is the only male in a class full of women. He probably getting all the attention he can handle, so the hens are competing for his attention. He is one smart dude! Like friend of mine in HS who took a home economics class. Us guys thot he was gay. He was far from it. Had entire class vying for his attention.


I’ve read about and seen in real life MANY women that are drawn to loser/bad boy/chronic problem man child etc. They all think they can change him.

As for the class, I’d bet that the other women in the class are single and probably NOT interested in a guy that wants to teach yoga. Only a comfortably married woman would be into such a guy. Something about having a husband that provides well and puts her on a pedestal, makes them easy pickings for such a guy. The single women on the other hand are looking for a catch like the OP. Strange how these things work.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

So you are ok with your wife going on coffee dates with this guy?

Has she ever had dates with other guys before this one?


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

ABHale said:


> So you are ok with your wife going on coffee dates with this guy?
> 
> Has she ever had dates with other guys before this one?


I'm wondering if she goes on more dates with this guy than with her own husband.


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

AdamsRob said:


> He at one point asked how my wife and I met and she gave a very warm and glowing overview of our meeting and how I was the perfect match for her that she had been waiting for, etc. *This hardly felt like a conversation a potential cheater would have.*


I'm not saying they're definitely having an affair, but what type of conversation would a potential cheater have with the husband?

Also, the "how did you guys meet" question is something I've been asked by new friends before they've even met my husband. It's a fairly common question when you make a new friend who's married.

IF they were having an affair, I would think that question was planned to be asked at the party.

At the very least, I wouldn't think that question automatically meant there was no potential for cheating.


----------



## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

Hoping I'm going to be proven wrong - but


----------



## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

so_sweet said:


> I'm not saying they're definitely having an affair, but what type of conversation would a potential cheater have with the husband?
> 
> Also, the "how did you guys meet" question is something I've been asked by new friends before they've even met my husband. It's a fairly common question when you make a new friend who's married.
> 
> ...


Sounds like he wants you to be ok , not suspicious of him being around your wife...

I think the bigger question is your wife inviting him for coffee, the next day after the party...

Maybe YOU are being groomed ?

Curious, did Sven bring up the NYE getaway ?


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

jsmart said:


> The single women on the other hand are looking for a catch like the OP. Strange how these things work.


That is why OP ought to join the class. That is exactly what I would do. Maybe he could throw a wrench into Sven's game by being some competition.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Rus47 said:


> That is why OP ought to join the class. That is exactly what I would do. Maybe he could throw a wrench into Sven's game by being some competition.


Assuming these lessons are during business hours....

Somebody has to work, and bring in a paycheck.
OP must work.

The classes offered on weekends are a possibility.
But, he would be a newbie, and would not fit in.
He would hold back the rest of the class!


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> That is why OP ought to join the class. That is exactly what I would do. Maybe he could throw a wrench into Sven's game by being some competition.


I join my wife for both workout classes and yoga classes on occasion. I am almost always the only male in the group, other than the male workout instructor. It is interesting how I am treated as the "novelty" by everyone else in the class.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I hope OP comes back with an update/reaction.

This NYE thing is an absolutely non-starter, no freaking way. They are already doing their "conference" where they are expected to attend. That should be enough time with the yogis - she should be with her H on NYE - that is utterly ridiculous.

Also, as someone else said....100% GUARANTEE he will be there, even if she/he says he won't be there. The opportunity for Mr. Snake is way too juicy. He traveled through a blizzard when others couldn't just to be at their home party.....so he can see her and scope out his competition.

The only good news I can think of here is that is APPEARS the wife is naive to what is going on. I hope I'm right - based on texts, not hiding things, etc. I think she's oblivious
to the grooming going on.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

SunCMars said:


> Assuming these lessons are during business hours....
> 
> Somebody has to work, and bring in a paycheck.
> OP must work.
> ...


Yea, I think this is supposed to be some certification course to be an instructor. So it’s not something that just anyone can just join for a class. But I do think he should do a surprise drop in to throw them off their game. Put his wife and this dude on notice that he’s awake. 

I would have had a friend check out the coffee shop on the planned date after their family get together. Having eyes on them to see the body language. Are they holding hands while gazing into each other’s eyes. Also watch what happens when they depart. A quick kiss on the cheek or a warm embrace with a kiss on the lips.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

jsmart said:


> Yea, I think this is supposed to be some certification course to be an instructor. So it’s not something that just anyone can just join for a class. But I do think he should do a surprise drop in to throw them off their game. Put his wife and this dude on notice that he’s awake.
> 
> I would have had a friend check out the coffee shop on the planned date after their family get together. Having eyes on them to see the body language. Are they holding hands while gazing into each other’s eyes. Also watch what happens when they depart. A quick kiss on the cheek or a warm embrace with a kiss on the lips.


You are assuming they spent the hour n half at the coffee shop.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Gabriel said:


> I hope OP comes back with an update/reaction.
> 
> *This NYE thing is an absolutely non-starter, no freaking way. They are already doing their "conference" where they are expected to attend. That should be enough time with the yogis - she should be with her H on NYE - that is utterly ridiculous.*
> 
> ...


The New Years Eve getaway is outrageous. I don't buy that she's some innocent flower that doesn't know that this guy has designs on bedding her. Why would she text to meet this guy after class, just after spending time together at her place? To discuss yoga stuff? They could do that in class. No she wants to meet up on the day that her husband is away on business.

Gabe, good point on this guy traveling through a blizzard to be there, when others were cancelling. He most definitely wanted to scope out the competition and mark the territory. Getting her husband to think he's a great guy was a form of showing dominance. OP's wife would be impressed by this display of soft dominance.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Rus47 said:


> You are assuming they spent the hour n half at the coffee shop.


Good point Rus. The OP mentioned that they have a family tracking ap. Life360? But they could go for a walk in a nearby park or maybe the coffee shop is near a hotel? I don't think they've had sex but I do think they both know
that what they're doing is wrong and she knows where it's heading. This is not some innocent friendship.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

jsmart said:


> I don't think they've had sex


I guess am just jaded. But dont believe an adult married woman invests that much effort and time in a single man without sex. Maybe in the car. I dont recall them having the ap you mention.

Her description to her husband of OM is to throw OP off the track. As was interaction during the house party. The two of them coordinated with one another.

I have been in this planet a very long time. And have NEVER known anyone who invited single male friend of wife to a house party. Strange.


----------



## bygone (11 mo ago)

You have been known to track your wife's phone. they won't want to leave you evidence.

drinking coffee as their password, drinking coffee often began to evoke sexuality.

I like your style, everything will be fine if you wait long enough, you have solved the secret of long marriage.


----------



## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

AdamsRob said:


> OK, it appears that my update post from last night is lost and didn't make it through. I'll try my best to recreate it now and fill in the blanks if needed when I return later tonight.
> To clarify a few items or misperceptions:
> 
> Yoga for her is not a hobby, it is part of her business combined with other skills she has attained over the years her training sessions will make a good income.
> ...


You really believe what you've written? Look I don't mean to sound alarmist here, but this: I read this thread starter to my wife, then this response, and then asked her how she would feel, barring having to work, how she would feel if I wanted to ding dong ditch her to go somewhere else with others for NY/NYE? Not only no, but hell no!
Also by this very posting, it's like you are trying to convince yourself this is ok, the guy, the only one that made it oddly enough, is so smart, so affable, showed interest in how the 2 of you met and all different many of subjects? This guy is on the up and up, yet you post here with concern that something may be a miss?
Take a look at what you posted again,or better have a friend read this. See if they don't agree. That you are trying to believe against what your gut IS telling you. Maybe your wrong..what's wrong with contacting the yoga studio to verify the retreat. If it is, then why this particular time? Why won't you make a surprise visit to have lunch or coffee with YOUR wife? I would suggest borrowing a friend's phone with some excuse about yours not working drive there find her car then call her phone. If she answers ay surprise I'm here for a date night, love you..if it rings and rings and goes to voice mail, then call several times standing next to her car and see if it's ringing in there and casually check to see if she's in the class? Also bring a spare key to her car to ensure you can hear if it's ringing.


----------



## californiawaverider (2 mo ago)

Mybabysgotit said:


> If you're body/mind is telling you something is wrong, listen to it. Always listen to that inner voice and act how you're body is telling you to act. You don't need to ask what others think, you don't need to think about what your wife would say, you do what you need to do to feel whole again, whatever that is. And whenever that inner voice tells you something is wrong, act on it immediately, not after your wife is already long gone. Don't let anyone, especially your wife, tell you that your inner voice is silly or wrong or stupid; it's not.


Agreed.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Know what women I date often suggest?
Why don’t we get coffee.

Plain and simple: OP you are allowing your wife to date another dude. Why?

why are you afraid to tell another man to carry his rump and not call or text your wife again or you’ll put him in a yoga position he’ll be uncomfortable with.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> put him in a yoga position he’ll be uncomfortable with.


Sven the yoga man becomes :"pretzel man".


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Rus47 said:


> Sven the yoga man becomes :"pretzel man".


"Twists" being the operative word.


----------



## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

I don't understand why you would allow the NYE .......This guy is going to be with your wife....


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Jimi007 said:


> I don't understand why you would allow the NYE .......This guy is going to be with your wife....


He doesn't want to be called a "controlling a$$hole". But in reality, as an adult his wife will do what she will anyway. If she wants to abandon her husband for a Yoga man there is nothing he can really do to stop that. All he can do is clearly spell out the t&c for remaining Mrs OP. The NYE plans would about ruin it for me.


----------



## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Rus47 said:


> He doesn't want to be called a "controlling a$$hole". But in reality, as an adult his wife will do what she will anyway. If she wants to abandon her husband for a Yoga man there is nothing he can really do to stop that. All he can do is clearly spell out the t&c for remaining Mrs OP. The NYE plans would about ruin it for me.


Yeah, I agree with you. She is an adult and can make her own decisions. But I can tell you that if my wife did this, I would let her know that when she came home, she would find the locks changed and all her stuff in bags in the front yard.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Diceplayer said:


> Yeah, I agree with you. She is an adult and can make her own decisions. But I can tell you that if my wife did this, I would let her know that when she came home, she would find the locks changed and all her stuff in bags in the front yard.


This sounds like a wonderful response, but actually believe it wont work in practice. Locking a person out of their residence can't be done to anyone without having an eviction hearing. Serving her with papers at the NYE venue would work.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Rubix Cubed said:


> Did you get the sequel before its release?
> Because there is nothing in this story so far that lends itself to your apologist stance and a happy ending.
> You are jumping the gun by a long shot.
> If the "I told you so" was so important to you then maybe you would have taken it to heart the hundreds of times you've pushed your "men are bad ... period" narrative and been dead wrong. JLD all over again.
> ...


I think it's pretty clear that you are the hater considering how many hateful posts you've directed my way in the form of personal attacks. And you have a whole gang to support you and just let you get away with it.


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I think it's pretty clear that you are the hater considering how many hateful posts you've directed my way in the form of personal attacks. And you have a whole gang to support you and just let you get away with it.


Everybody's a victim.


----------



## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

The fact that she only recently sprung the NYE getaway on the OP should tell him all he needs to know. You don't just decide last minute to procure accommodations for a group at New Years . Those accmodations are long ago booked up solid. Now if you're lucky, you might be able to find a spot for two if you look hard enough.


----------



## AdamsRob (26 d ago)

Everything is quite busy here with family and Christmas, but had a few minutes to jot off a reply...

I know many have questioned why I’m comfortable with my wife having "dates" with a single man. First, I only know of two times that they met for sure for coffee, however I do realize it most likely has been more times. Second, coming from the corporate world, I’m quite used to colleagues and friends meeting over coffee on a regular basis. We had a Starbucks in our atrium area and most meetings took place there. I had many 1:1 meetings with women I worked with, some became friends over the years, and I never had affairs with them. It was commonplace and normal, so maybe that’s why I’m not reacting to that particular aspect as strongly as some suggest I should.

The party was a specific invite to her overall yoga class, so there was not a specific invite given to ‘Sven’. We had other small groups over that did not include the yoga folk or “Sven”.
He did at some point recently since meeting me asked her if I had many close friends and wondered if I would be interested in getting together with him to chat, hike, etc. Apparently, he does not have many friends in this area yet since moving here. I know, people will read that two ways, just a friendly guy looking for connections or more Machiavellian- keep your friends close and your enemies closer. 

No mention of him going to the retreat. At this point, I’m falling into the camp of ‘trust but verify’. I’m watching closely. You all hear the odd things that make me wonder, and therefore just by what is shared it adds weight to a certain set of conclusions. There are other things that push it in the other direction for me. The lack of texts or other communications. He asked her once if she would be able to pick him up from the tire store where he had his truck getting new tires and give him a ride to yoga. She told me about that, he was there at 8 AM, class was at 10:30. She didn’t go get him as one would expect if something was going on. He texted closer to 10 that the work was done, and he didn’t need a ride any longer. Again, a perfect opportunity to get together if something else was brewing or going on.


----------



## AdamsRob (26 d ago)

Not sure where the png attachment came from or how to delete it, don't try to figure it out...it is not sending some sort of veiled message!


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Adam, I’m sorry but you are so trusting. Why on earth is this guy calling your wife for a ride? They just met a while ago and are WAY to friendly. Do any of your female colleagues call you for a ride or would you feel comfortable to call them? No, you haven’t nor would you ask because deep down you know it’s not kosher. While I have given a ride and received a ride from female coworkers to the local mechanic but these are women that I’ve worked with for years and even then, I feel self conscious about being in a car by myself.

Have you actually confirmed the details about this NYE thing? I’d wager that there is no Yoga workshop getaway. Who has heard of such a thing? The only takers would be those who are going as a couple or singles looking to find a hookup. Booking something for just 7 people is not really practical. 

If you want to trust but verify, then get to the nitty gritty details on this NYE thing. Personally, I would insist on her canceling. I’d rather lose money on flights and hotel reservations then to lose my wife by not protecting her from herself.


----------



## Korys (21 d ago)

Hi AdamsRob. First time poster here. I have been reading about your situation and felt compelled to comment. 

You seem to be a very nice person and very trusting of your wife - she is extremely lucky to have you. I applaud you.

As others have pointed out, you may want to have a conversation with your wife to lay your feelings out on the table. You wouldn’t be posting here if you weren’t concerned about her relationship with yoga man. Be completely honest with her in terms of your feelings, but don’t tell her about checking her phone.

Tell her how much you love and adore her. Tell her how much you appreciated the love she showed you when she spoke at the party about how you met. But tell her that you are somewhat uncomfortable with the friendship she has with yoga man (as I think most would be by most peoples standards). Even admit that you are jealous if you want. How would she like it if the tables were turned? It is up to you to decide to bring up what she thinks about possibly cancelling the New Years getaway and instead spending time with you. Ask her to be completely honest with you in terms of what this relationship is with yoga man and what it means to her. 

Remember, you do what you think is best for you and your marriage. Don’t let anyone here or anyone else tell you what to do or how to feel. Remember, your wife fell in love with you for who you are. But don’t ignore your concerns about the situation. You know your wife and you know your gut. Go with what you feel is best.

I hope you’re right and this is just a friendship. I agree you need to continue to observe her behaviour.

I sincerely hope this works out for you. Good luck and best wishes.


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

AdamsRob said:


> No mention of him going to the retreat. At this point, I’m falling into the camp of ‘trust but verify’.


 So you're still good with her abandoning you on New Year's eve and New Years' day to go to the retreat?

The whole premise of them scheduling a Yoga cert retreat on New Years is extremely suspect especially at "short notice". 
If she goes you likely won't hear about him being there until she's already there, if at all.
He'll be there, he braved a blizzard to make it to your party he won't miss this, especially with his 'lack of friends'. He needs some friends but your wife doesn't need to be one of them.

Have you expressed your concern about him to her at all?

My biggest concern for you is that you come back here mid January with a "You guys were right" post when all of this is so easily preventable. Over cautious with your marriage is far safer than under cautious.


----------



## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

AdamsRob said:


> Everything is quite busy here with family and Christmas, but had a few minutes to jot off a reply...
> 
> I know many have questioned why I’m comfortable with my wife having "dates" with a single man. First, I only know of two times that they met for sure for coffee, however I do realize it most likely has been more times. Second, coming from the corporate world, I’m quite used to colleagues and friends meeting over coffee on a regular basis. We had a Starbucks in our atrium area and most meetings took place there. I had many 1:1 meetings with women I worked with, some became friends over the years, and I never had affairs with them. It was commonplace and normal, so maybe that’s why I’m not reacting to that particular aspect as strongly as some suggest I should.
> 
> ...


Sorry if a lot of folks here have reactions they do, but they've also been there done that and so much. Sounds like it's on the up and up so far, but Reddit,YouTube and many other sites have legit stories where the husbands met a male coworker or boss of their wife's. Sometimes he's married. They become friends and time goes on the infidelity happens and the husband feels like he just handed his wife off to guy and gave his blessing to blow up his marriage. It can and does happen all the time. A smart husband will allow males only so close to his wife, regardless


AdamsRob said:


> Everything is quite busy here with family and Christmas, but had a few minutes to jot off a reply...
> 
> I know many have questioned why I’m comfortable with my wife having "dates" with a single man. First, I only know of two times that they met for sure for coffee, however I do realize it most likely has been more times. Second, coming from the corporate world, I’m quite used to colleagues and friends meeting over coffee on a regular basis. We had a Starbucks in our atrium area and most meetings took place there. I had many 1:1 meetings with women I worked with, some became friends over the years, and I never had affairs with them. It was commonplace and normal, so maybe that’s why I’m not reacting to that particular aspect as strongly as some suggest I should.
> 
> ...


Ok, sorry if most folks here are a bit alarmist, but when you have been what these have through, you'd understand. That being said trip over YouTube Reddit and SI and look at how many stories start out as yours. Wife befriends husband and coworker and also wife if married. Due a lot together. Then as time goes by it happens. The infidelity and the lies start. The excuses and denials, finally all is revealed. The husband feels that he just handed his wife over on a silver platter and said come and get it! Denys it himself till his marriage blows up in his face!
Could this guy and your wife be on the up and up? Probably, but I'd trust but verify and ensure to inject yourself more into your wife's life with love, affection and attentions. Romance her again and ensure you have her eye and heart. Don't be slub and just watch your life go down the drain. Did you verify with the yoga place of business the retreat yet?


----------



## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Sorry almost a double post there. Fat fingers...duh.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

AdamsRob said:


> Everything is quite busy here with family and Christmas, but had a few minutes to jot off a reply...
> 
> I know many have questioned why I’m comfortable with my wife having "dates" with a single man. First, I only know of two times that they met for sure for coffee, however I do realize it most likely has been more times. Second, coming from the corporate world, I’m quite used to colleagues and friends meeting over coffee on a regular basis. We had a Starbucks in our atrium area and most meetings took place there. I had many 1:1 meetings with women I worked with, some became friends over the years, and I never had affairs with them. It was commonplace and normal, so maybe that’s why I’m not reacting to that particular aspect as strongly as some suggest I should.
> 
> ...


So you are letting her go on the NYE retreat. Without you. Where people kiss at midnight.

And your wife is apparently hot.

Wake the F UP!!!!


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Gabriel said:


> So you are letting her go on the NYE retreat. Without you.


She is an adult woman with agency who will do whatever she wants to do. All he could do is tell her what HE will do if she spends NYE with Sven and the other yoga girls and who knows who else. He has decided he is ok with her spending NYE with others.

He asked if he should be worried and despite bunch of people telling him yes and why, he isnt worried. Not sure why he asked the question.

@AdamsRob, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and good luck. I sincerely hope your trust and optimism is justified.


----------



## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

Play with fire, you get burned. You are playing with fire OP.


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

AdamsRob said:


> Second, coming from the corporate world, I’m quite used to colleagues and friends meeting over coffee on a regular basis. We had a Starbucks in our atrium area and most meetings took place there. I had many 1:1 meetings with women I worked with, some became friends over the years, and I never had affairs with them. It was commonplace and normal, so maybe that’s why I’m not reacting to that particular aspect as strongly as some suggest I should.


I come from the corporate world too. Comparing an office environment to what is essentially a school environment (yoga classes) is like comparing apples to oranges, at least for the situation at hand.

Yoga man and your wife are under no obligation to communicate with each other, let alone be bosom buddies. On the other hand, you have to talk to Sally at work due to work obligations and of course there could be non-work-related chit chat. It's part of the job, unless you want to earn the reputation as someone difficult to get along with.

A coffee date with yoga man is purely a choice. A workplace meeting that happens to take place in a coffee shop is still a work obligation.

You get paid to sit in a coffee shop discussing work and your wife pays money to sit in a coffee shop with yoga man.

During a boring work meeting at a coffee shop, have you ever wished you were somewhere else? Perhaps with your wife? Do you think your wife ever wishes she was somewhere else, perhaps with you, during her coffee dates with yoga man?

As for the New Year's retreat, has your workplace ever asked you to go on a similar overnight trip without your wife on New Year's?

Apples to oranges, right?


----------



## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

AdamsRob said:


> We have been married 8 years, overall a good marriage (second for both of us). This question post is quite tame and almost silly, but I'm becoming curious of when and if I should be concerned. My wife is gorgeous, bold and outgoing and by her own admission a bit of an odd duck. She recently started a long-term yoga certification training in the city close to where we live. This is a class where she spends two full days (weekends) approximately twice a month. In addition, the class is asked to attend yoga classes taught by the same instructor and others as part of the certification. There is one single man in the group, and I noticed his name coming up more and more in her discussions with me. When I was traveling out of state, she mentioned she was going to dinner to a friend's house in the class and she quickly added that this was a female friend. I'm not a jealous type, so it was kind of an odd clarification for her to make. Later, she added that the male friend was coming to the dinner also. In addition to the required all day classes, she started attending yoga classes 4-5 times a week. We do not lock our phones from each other and my curiosity got the best of me so I checked her texts. There were a few between them; him hoping they could have many more coffees together after class which she gave a 'heart' reply. It has become apparent that they attend the same classes many days during the week and from the credit card bills I can see that she goes to the coffee house almost every time after class (which is unusual for her to go out for coffee drinks that often). The texts were not flirty, but he would ask if she was attending different activities that he was going to. One was a holiday party that they both went to, another was a special session that she changed movie plans we had with the family so that she could attend after he asked her if she was going. She was showing me FB pictures of the class, and I noticed a few pics and videos that showed the two of them were working closely together, but since it is a small class that would not be unexpected. She also knows a lot about him, his background and life. She told me she was worried he was losing too much weight and getting too skinny because of his diet, etc. She recently asked if I would be ok if she spent a full weekend retreat (two nights) that the instructor was holding for about 7 members of the class at a resort over New Years eve/day. I supported her and she quickly signed up. I do not know if he is attending. We are hosting a small holiday party at our place for her class and he will be coming. This will be a chance to observe them together and see how he reacts to me. What should I watch for? Should I be concerned based on what I have shared?


You better get jealous. Nip this in the butt now!
Don't be a simp


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Rus47 said:


> He asked if he should be worried and despite bunch of people telling him yes and why, he isnt worried. Not sure why he asked the question.


Perhaps not worried about that particular thing....but he's worried overall or he wouldn't be posting on a marriage forum.

He isn't listening to his own gut.

Outside of any potential shenanigans, her yoga work is dominating her time. Any group even suggesting a NYE event without spouses has a seriously negligent view of relationships. I've seen this time and time again with friend groups, jobs, clubs, etc. where it's a group of single people and a married person is involved - they don't give two craps about anyone's spouse.


----------



## AdamsRob (26 d ago)

Long overdue update:
I appreciate everyone taking the time to give me their feedback. Lack of response does not mean I was simply ignoring everyone’s thoughts. This week ended up being quite hectic, my father became very ill during his visit, and we will have to cancel his flight back home and try to make the long drive. This very well may be end of life for him, so want him home where he is comfortable and in a familiar environment. My other concerns/questions had to take a back seat to this.

On that topic, the retreat is real and was posted on the WEB site and got an agenda for the two days. It was close enough where I could check up on things. She was where she said she would be the whole time, no sign that any males at all were at the retreat. Twice she mentioned in passing that it was a woman only retreat, but I did not see anything on the WEB site that said that. She chose a cheaper shared room which she shared with a quiet woman. There were some mixed signals for me, the way she packed and prepped for the weekend did not seem like it completely matched a yoga/meditation/workshop type of weekend, but I was able to do a few drive-by checkups and I’m convinced that everything was as she described. In addition, we ran into a couple of women from the class while out shopping and I did not get any odd vibes that one might expect if people were thinking something was going on (that would be hard to hide with such a small class and the coffee house is near the studio). There have been additional meetings from text messages regarding insights they were sharing about the class and one conversation where she was giving him strong advice “to wait”. When she later apologized by text if she came across to strongly, he replied that she is way too nice and funny to ever come across too strong (funny is not an attribute that she is ever identified with). My best guess is that she is taking on a role of counselor (something she does professionally). 

I’m still in a trust be verify mode, watching many things very closely. 

Happy New Year everyone!


----------



## Griswold (1 mo ago)

Hi Adams: I've read your posts - not everyone else's. The trust by verify mode is fair. I'm hope I'm not about to over feed your optimist side, but I (a male) have had a valued female exercise friend for over 20 years. It was, is, and will continue to be platonic. My wife knows this person. We have occasionally socialized together. We do text. Not daily but often once a week to discuss meeting up for running or speed walking. My wife never asks for my texts but she knows my passwords and i often show the texts (I've read these sites too and I want her to know she is completely free to look and to question me). My friend and i have had breakfasts and lunches over the years. Moreso in years past when we both worked in our nearby city. Point is - yes it's quite possible for your wife to have an exercise related opposite sex freindship that does not involve an affair. But she should realize it can look odd. i go out of my way to make sure my wife knows what I'm up to with my friend, where we will be and what we will be doing. I would never choose an event with my friend over my wife. It should be your wife's policy too. The fact is, at least for my life, most of my business and private interactions have involved women. Yes I have male friends. But if I confined myself to my male friends (we are complete geeks), I'd still be living in my parents basement. My female friends have enriched my life. One last bit of advice,that I got from the first female friend I made decades ago (not my exercise friend). Be explicit about your boundaries. I know reading the infidelity sites it makes one laugh because the player guys love to claim they have boundaries before moving in our wiveGF.s And the wives exclaim "i'm married" before they start a f*ck festival. I know. But my friend's point was if you say it out loud , up front, to the person at the start of your "friendship", you are reinforcing that boundary. When my decades old friend and I met she looked me in the eye and said I have no interest at all in you as a boyfriend. If that's your interest we are not hanging out together. I thought about it and decided I could live with that. We're still friends. She introduced me to my wife. When I started hanging with my exercise friend, I stated up front - out loud - that I would not break our boundaries, I'm happily married and that we will be friends and nothing more. Your wife needs to set her boundaries - out loud. Tell her you are cool with her having a life. But that ring on the finger is not enough to set clear boundaries. Be explicit. Just my $.02


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

AdamsRob said:


> There have been additional meetings from text messages regarding insights they were sharing about the class and one conversation where she was giving him strong advice *“to wait”*. When she later apologized by text if she came across to strongly, he replied that she is way too nice and funny to ever come across too strong (funny is not an attribute that she is ever identified with). My best guess is that she is taking on a role of counselor (something she does professionally).


Wait for what? Her?

I'm glad that the retreat panned out safely (it really did seem sketchy), but this dude and his texting and meeting your wife is obviously bothering you, she needs to know this and put a stop to it. What good for your marriage can come out of their relationship? She is walking a thin line on a slippery slope. It may work out fine but is it worth your relationship/marriage to find out? If you're cool with your wife going on dates with other men then I guess you'll be fine. No way I could, but that's not you.

p.s. I'm curious, What was her packing and prep like that set off your spidey senses?


----------



## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Rubix Cubed said:


> Wait for what? Her?
> 
> I'm glad that the retreat panned out safely (it really did seem sketchy), but this dude and his texting and meeting your wife is obviously bothering you, she needs to know this and put a stop to it. What good for your marriage can come out of their relationship? She is walking a thin line on a slippery slope. It may work out fine but is it worth your relationship/marriage to find out? If you're cool with your wife going on dates with other men then I guess you'll be fine. No way I could, but that's not you.
> 
> p.s. I'm curious, What was her packing and prep like that set off your spidey senses?


Probably lingerie


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

AdamsRob said:


> Long overdue update:
> I appreciate everyone taking the time to give me their feedback. Lack of response does not mean I was simply ignoring everyone’s thoughts. This week ended up being quite hectic, my father became very ill during his visit, and we will have to cancel his flight back home and try to make the long drive. This very well may be end of life for him, so want him home where he is comfortable and in a familiar environment. My other concerns/questions had to take a back seat to this.
> 
> On that topic, the retreat is real and was posted on the WEB site and got an agenda for the two days. It was close enough where I could check up on things. She was where she said she would be the whole time, no sign that any males at all were at the retreat. Twice she mentioned in passing that it was a woman only retreat, but I did not see anything on the WEB site that said that. She chose a cheaper shared room which she shared with a quiet woman. There were some mixed signals for me, the way she packed and prepped for the weekend did not seem like it completely matched a yoga/meditation/workshop type of weekend, but I was able to do a few drive-by checkups and I’m convinced that everything was as she described. In addition, we ran into a couple of women from the class while out shopping and I did not get any odd vibes that one might expect if people were thinking something was going on (that would be hard to hide with such a small class and the coffee house is near the studio). There have been additional meetings from text messages regarding insights they were sharing about the class and one conversation where she was giving him strong advice “to wait”. When she later apologized by text if she came across to strongly, he replied that she is way too nice and funny to ever come across too strong (funny is not an attribute that she is ever identified with). My best guess is that she is taking on a role of counselor (something she does professionally).
> ...


Best wishes for your Dad's health and comfort.


----------



## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

Sorry to hear about your dad. I do think this time will be telling for you both. Her father in law, her husband's(you) father is dying. She should be spending her time with you helping you through this trying time. If she is going on coffee dates or constantly texting Sven at that time instead, well than I think you'll know where her priorities lay.


----------



## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

firstly i want to say i am sorry too hear about your father adamsrob. going through this is one of the hardest things a person usually has to deal with. i have a question for you. being that your going through possibly losing a parent which is so hard , have you thought about just sitting here down and discussing all your concerns with her. telling her what you know and have found and how it is making you feel something isn't right. 
the reason i say this is being that your through this now with your father while in the middle of trying to check every move makes is eventually going to drive you crazy. mistakes will be made, misinterpretations will be made. like her telling him "to wait" or her packing clothes for a yoga retreat that you wouldn't think she should be wearing. all of these things will weigh you down when your father should be your only and most important concern. not whether your wife is cheating. that is to much for anyone to deal simultaneously.
just talk to her an deal with this so you can move on one way or another and only focus on your father. you need to get your concerns out in the open with her and just put this to bed one way or another. you can find another wife but you only have 1 father .. again I'm sorry your going through this


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

so_sweet said:


> I come from the corporate world too. Comparing an office environment to what is essentially a school environment (yoga classes) is like comparing apples to oranges, at least for the situation at hand.
> 
> Yoga man and your wife are under no obligation to communicate with each other, let alone be bosom buddies. On the other hand, you have to talk to Sally at work due to work obligations and of course there could be non-work-related chit chat. It's part of the job, unless you want to earn the reputation as someone difficult to get along with.
> 
> ...


Brilliant post. Bravo. Bears repeating.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

OP,
You’re dealing with a lot and seem to be a very level- headed, honorable, loyal man.
I would say that this relationship is clearly bothering you (as well it should), and that reason alone should be enough for your wife to end it. I am far more skeptical than you, and I would not be at all pleased if my super hot wife were teaching yoga classes with men in them. It’s just too sketchy for me.

I too am curious about the items packed that you felt weren’t needed for a typical yoga retreat.

mon a positive note: Your wife is super hot, stays in shape, has a career she enjoys.
Hell man, you hit the jackpot. I want you to keep your treasure bro. You’re here for a reason. I’d just ask your wife in a very reasonable manner if she’d nix the yoga guy.

honestly, no good deed goes unpunished with these kinds of helpless people. Let him go find his own girlfriend. Your wife is yours.

coffee dates with your wife. Not no,but hell no. That is inappropriate and your wife should know this.


----------



## AdamsRob (26 d ago)

Thanks for the well wishes everyone. Clothing... nothing like lingerie, just a couple of really nice (sexy) outfits...nothing outlandish, sexy bras (ones that look very 'natural' underneath blouses or tight tops, she also took time to whiten teeth, do nails, etc. She didn't hide any of this from me, and I know women can dress nice for other women. I've also had many female friends over my life that were platonic, so I do not want to jump to that conclusion. I think the warning flag was not sharing the meetings and even leaving that out of her discussions of her day in most cases. If I asked directly I do not think she would lie. I want to know if the nature of our relationship is what I thought it was, therefore I want to know if there is something being hidden here vs. just confronting and not ever knowing for sure. This is almost more about our overall relationship and trust then just this incident if that makes sense to anyone.


----------



## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

AdamsRob said:


> Thanks for the well wishes everyone. Clothing... nothing like lingerie, just a couple of really nice (sexy) outfits...nothing outlandish, sexy bras (ones that look very 'natural' underneath blouses or tight tops, she also took time to whiten teeth, do nails, etc. She didn't hide any of this from me, and I know women can dress nice for other women. I've also had many female friends over my life that were platonic, so I do not want to jump to that conclusion. I think the warning flag was not sharing the meetings and even leaving that out of her discussions of her day in most cases. If I asked directly I do not think she would lie. I want to know if the nature of our relationship is what I thought it was, therefore I want to know if there is something being hidden here vs. just confronting and not ever knowing for sure. This is almost more about our overall relationship and trust then just this incident if that makes sense to anyone.


i can understand your reasoning and thought process she seems like a very intelligent woman who has been through this before. i have a pretty good sense she knows you are on to her or at the very least checking up on what she is doing. you will not find anything out for awhile . plus the text of her saying to him "too wait" . she knows your watching . searching, looking at everything. this will go on for months if not years before you may ever find anything out. but i do understand your approach honestly.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I think a VAR in her car would be reasonable at this point. But I’m sure OP is far to honorable and trusting for that. Not me. I’ve seen how this male helpless puppy friend stuff turns out and it ain’t too cool.


----------



## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

AdamsRob said:


> Thanks for the well wishes everyone. Clothing... nothing like lingerie, just a couple of really nice (sexy) outfits...nothing outlandish, sexy bras (ones that look very 'natural' underneath blouses or tight tops, she also took time to whiten teeth, do nails, etc. She didn't hide any of this from me, and I know women can dress nice for other women. I've also had many female friends over my life that were platonic, so I do not want to jump to that conclusion. I think the warning flag was not sharing the meetings and even leaving that out of her discussions of her day in most cases. If I asked directly I do not think she would lie. I want to know if the nature of our relationship is what I thought it was, therefore I want to know if there is something being hidden here vs. just confronting and not ever knowing for sure. This is almost more about our overall relationship and trust then just this incident if that makes sense to anyone.


Never whitened my teeth , did nails. Or word boob enhancing / sexy clothes for other women. Never. This is not normal.


----------



## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

TheGodfather said:


> i can understand your reasoning and thought process she seems like a very intelligent woman who has been through this before. i have a pretty good sense she knows you are on to her or at the very least checking up on what she is doing. you will not find anything out for awhile . plus the text of her saying to him "too wait" . she knows your watching . searching, looking at everything. this will go on for months if not years before you may ever find anything out. but i do understand your approach honestly.


She’s telling him to wait until husband leaves the area.


----------



## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> I think a VAR in her car would be reasonable at this point. But I’m sure OP is far to honorable and trusting for that. Not me. I’ve seen how this male helpless puppy friend stuff turns out and it ain’t too cool.


This, OP. If you really want to get to the bottom of this, you need to put a VAR in her car for a few weeks. Have you checked the cell phone bill? If so you should be able to see if she is having conversations with this guy, if you see calls to and from his number (cross reference with he contacts in her phone) then you will know whether the calls are being made during times when she is in the car, and can determine whether to place the VAR or not. 

I've actually done a bit of a 180 on this and now think it's unlikely that anything is going on with this guy. But clearly it's bothering you, so why not get the proof you need, one way or the other? Check the cell phone bill and put the VAR in her car, and be done with it.


----------



## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

AdamsRob said:


> Thanks for the well wishes everyone. Clothing... nothing like lingerie, just a couple of really nice (sexy) outfits...nothing outlandish, sexy bras (ones that look very 'natural' underneath blouses or tight tops, she also took time to whiten teeth, do nails, etc. She didn't hide any of this from me, and I know women can dress nice for other women. I've also had many female friends over my life that were platonic, so I do not want to jump to that conclusion. I think the warning flag was not sharing the meetings and even leaving that out of her discussions of her day in most cases. If I asked directly I do not think she would lie. I want to know if the nature of our relationship is what I thought it was, therefore I want to know if there is something being hidden here vs. just confronting and not ever knowing for sure. This is almost more about our overall relationship and trust then just this incident if that makes sense to anyone.


What was the context of the "to wait" text exchange with him, could you tell?


----------



## AdamsRob (26 d ago)

I did not think the wait advice was the way you are thinking. It was more like “my advice to you you is to wait”… I do not believe it was about them, but something in his life.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I’m not sure if your wife is cheating. But again, her relationship with the guy is bothering you.
Why not address it directly?
Wife, I trust you, but I don’t trust this weird guy I don’t know that’s dating my wife and asking for rides. Could you please end this, simply because it’s bothering me?

If her answer is no, then she values him over you and you have problems.

Why are you seemingly worried about seeming controlling or whatever? I can assure you most men wouldn’t go for coffee dates and rides to a yoga student for ONE SECOND.

A good spouse avoids even the appearance of impropriety. Why doesn’t yours?


----------



## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

AdamsRob said:


> I did not think the wait advice was the way you are thinking. It was more like “my advice to you you is to wait”… I do not believe it was about them, but something in his life.


I’m going to be honest here and tell you what I think is going on. It’s obvious that yoga guy is grooming your wife. He’s got her so hooked. It’s already to the point where your wife’s allegiance to him is evident by keeping things they discuss and dates from you.
This guy is good, I’ll give him that. Was there any communications between them while at the retreat?


----------



## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

all i can say is if i was married and my father was passing away or sick possibly about to pass away and my wife is more concerned with a yoga retreat and student regardless of what is or isnt going on i would divorce her.. period


----------



## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

This “yoga guy” reminds me of the character Bill Paxton played in Arnold Schwarzenegger movie True Lies. Pathetic but effective.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

OP I suggest you watch Sargeant York with Gary Cooper. That’ll help you see how to handle yoga boy. Invite him over and chat on the porch with him. Then ask your wife to go get you a cup of apple cider.
He needs to find a new yoga class and he is indeed grooming your wife.


----------



## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> OP I suggest you watch Sargeant York with Gary Cooper. That’ll help you see how to handle yoga boy. Invite him over and chat on the porch with him. Then ask your wife to go get you a cup of apple cider.
> He needs to find a new yoga class and he is indeed grooming your wife.


It sure makes you wonder 🤔....
Her leaving out after class interactions , coffee dates ect would bother me as well


----------



## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

Tobyboy said:


> I’m going to be honest here and tell you what I think is going on. It’s obvious that yoga guy is grooming your wife. He’s got her so hooked. It’s already to the point where your wife’s allegiance to him is evident by keeping things they discuss and dates from you.
> This guy is good, I’ll give him that. Was there any communications between them while at the retreat?


I have read your thread @AdamsRob I think what @Tobyboy said above holds a lot truth. I think that after things settle down after the start of this year you need to sit down and have a serious talk with your wife. It unfortunately looks like that you may have to start to devote more time to your father and his health and this needs to be address and your fear not so much about her but about him and you maybe not going to be able to be with her as much as you would like due to your father. Best of luck. I do think it is time to have a talk about this and put it out in the open.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

I think you need to talk with your wife about healthy boundaries within your marriage. Let her know distance between her and Sven would be healthier for your marriage. Who gives a crap about being called controlling - this guy is prepping your wife for an affair! Stop being “so nice” about watching your wife participate!

The guy was fishing for info from you - about you! He’s sizing up his competition by looking into what your background is, hobbies etc. this is info he will eventually use against you to gain ground on your wife.

Stop being so passive - speak up! Another man is trying to enter into your marriage and your wife is allowing it.


----------



## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

TheGodfather said:


> all i can say is if i was married and my father was passing away or sick possibly about to pass away and my wife is more concerned with a yoga retreat and student regardless of what is or isnt going on i would divorce her.. period


This is what struck me as well. She still went to this retreat dispite her father in law's illness. Regardless of who was going to be at the retreat, her place was home supporting her husband who may lose his dad.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

You do realize that she can leave her phone at the location you expect her to be at and go somewhere else? She comes back later to get her phone. 

You keep giving her the benefit of your doubts - and that will be your downfall.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

AdamsRob said:


> I know women can dress nice for other women.


You know, now I know.
One might think.

The dressing up is a lady thing, it is.
For others eyes and one's own pride.
A competition among the ladies, you see...

Aye, they see.


It has occurred to me, it may be Sven she fancies, or it may not be.
Sven was said not to be there, ladies only, this retreat.

Why this treatment, only at this time and this resort date?
I find this discrimination odd, don't you?

Unless, my facts are skewed?
Are they?
Um?

..............................................................

It may be some flexible Sue whom she desires to be bosom-to-bosom buddies with.
No one has touched this soft skin option.
Maybe she has, does?

..............................................................

Or, could it be the yoga instructor himself/herself?

...............................................................

All said:
Sven still remains the likely perp, all said.

I've said enough.
We need more data, more eyes on the yoga moves.


----------



## AdamsRob (26 d ago)

Just to answer a few questions...her car was there and blocked in the whole weekend (at least the times that I did drive by checks). With the schedule and the small number of people, it would have been very difficult to leave with someone else (leaving her phone to keep me blinded). So, I think she was there all weekend. Other women...very doubtful! So, leaves the dress a bit of a mystery. The instructor is a woman, her boyfriend was there to cook the meals, etc., but from the FB pictures and videos he was the only guy there. Texting, only one for the weekend on New Year's Day at where he texted "Happy New Year! 2023 best year ever!" around 11 AM on Jan 1. She replied with a simple Happy New Year back, kind of cryptic I thought for someone she called a dear, dear friend in an earlier text, but perhaps she was busy with the sessions at the time. As far as being gone with my Father being ill, he took a turn for the worse after she left so it was not as callous as it might appear. It was a bad cold that he seemed to be recovering from that suddenly went to his lungs and possible early pneumonia which we are treating with antibiotics now. He is sounding somewhat better today so the flight home might still be possible (for those who were curious and sent me kind words about his sickness). I'm sure I'm missing some questions, my apologies if I have....not taking the time to go back through all the posts at this time.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

At this juncture, we on TAM, remain stumped, you remain stiffed by her actions.

The only answer is to quietly monitor her, to wait and see.
More of that, I suppose.


The best (end game) answer would be:
_Move on, nothing to see here._

Carry on_, Happy New Year!_


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

On her simple text to Sven....

She may know that she is being monitored, hence the brevity of the message.

Or, hopefully, she is friend zoning him for the sake of her marriage,

Dunno.
Lots of that, not knowing.
Um.


_Are Dee-_


----------



## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

OP, how much longer will she be in this certification course? Is it almost over? 

It just doesn’t seem like there is much here to be worried about. Some things, like whitening teeth and taking nice (sexy) outfits with her does seem a bit strange, but I assume they can only do so much yoga in a day, and that they dress for dinner or to socialize…. I’ve seen my wife dress nicely to just hang with her female friends. 

At this point, if you aren’t willing to do something like put a VAR in her car then I think you are down to three options:


Let it go. There is likely nothing here, this other guy really doesn’t seem all that threatening, and your wife has never gave you reason to not trust her in the past.
Continue to monitor. Especially if the course is almost over you can see if she continues to meet with the guy, etc. Might drive you crazy after a while.
Have a discussion with her. Lay it out there — spending too much time with the guy, deciding to go to this retreat instead of spending a holiday with you and your family, etc. It’s making you wonder about your place in her heart.

Honestly, I would probably do both 2 and 3. Place a VAR in her car before you speak with her, as if anything is going to prompt a potentially incriminating phone call that conversation would probably be it. But I really think you need to do something here, assuming of course that this is really bothering you. Good luck.


----------



## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

This is a simple typical “player” tactic. The way it works is the player cuts the attention/validation temporarily. It’s usually to gauge the target’s commitment. Your wife was obviously hurt by the late “Happy New Years” text, just by her generic response. 
Here is where it will get interesting. Your wife will either realize that she is/was being played and start distancing from yoga guy or she’ll double her efforts to regain yoga guys attention/validation.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

@OP, at best the other man (“OM”) is an orbiter. Orbiters hang around other men’s attractive woman as friends waiting for an opportunity. If the opportunity comes they already know the woman, know her number, and can have coffee alone with her. The odds are not in his favor, and the odds in Russian Roulette are in your favor (1 in 6), but I do not play games when the down side is so bad..


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

AdamsRob said:


> just a couple of really nice (sexy) outfits...nothing outlandish, sexy bras (ones that look very 'natural' underneath blouses or tight tops, she also took time to whiten teeth, do nails, etc.





AdamsRob said:


> Texting, only one for the weekend on New Year's Day at where he texted "Happy New Year! 2023 best year ever!" around 11 AM on Jan 1. She replied with a simple Happy New Year back, kind of cryptic I thought for someone she called a dear, dear friend in an earlier text, but perhaps she was busy with the sessions at the time.


Of course I don't know if your wife is cheating or what her or yoga man's feelings are for one another, whether just friendship or more, but some thoughts:

Her mere three word response of simply 'Happy New Year" sounds curt, like she is upset. Perhaps the reason she is upset is that she didn't get the opportunity to show off the sexy outfits and sexy bras that she packed for the retreat. In other words, yoga man didn't show up at the retreat as planned.

Everyone can guess what's going on but no one here knows exactly what's going on. However, there is a fact here. That fact is that this cryptic text occurred on New Year's Day, the day after New Year's Eve.

So, what happened?

You say he wasn't at the retreat, which means they didn't spend New Year's Eve together. Then this text with a sulky vibe from your wife happens.

It's not rocket science.


----------



## AdamsRob (26 d ago)

If your scenario is accurate, what type of reaction do you believe I would have received upon her return?


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Why - what reaction did you have upon returning? What was your expectation? 

Something in your gut/intuition is screaming at you that things aren’t right… trust your gut.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

How does your wife support you?


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

AR,
When’s thee we last time you had a passionate kiss from your wife? You seem pretty nonchalant about this whole thing. Nothing at all has changed in your relationship with your wife. Sex the same? Frequency same? 
Somethinj is off or you wouldn’t be here. What is it?


----------



## Agrogirl (10 d ago)

You should absolutely be worried. She is starting an EA if she hasn't already. Men and women cannot just be friends. This is opening the door for an affair. You need to tell her to stop now, and if she doesn't she has lost respect for you. If she tries to put it back on you by saying that you are too controlling or that you don't trust her, then that is a big red flag. He is filling her masculine cup which should be your job. The only man I want attention from is my boyfriend....end of story.


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

AdamsRob said:


> If your scenario is accurate, what type of reaction do you believe I would have received upon her return?


I assume the reaction you received upon her return was that she was happy to see you. But how does anyone truly know if a person's reaction is genuine? I'm not sure what type of answer you're expecting. It seems that throughout this thread in one breath you criticize your wife's behavior and in the next breath, you make excuses for the behavior.

Look, I'm the type of wife that doesn't meet up with other men for any type fun, including coffee. I also would hate to be away from my husband on New Year's Eve for any reason, never mind by choice. IMO, your wife chose a silly yoga retreat over ringing in the new year with her husband, which to me is uncaring and selfish.

I can only go by what you've said here about your wife and it would genuinely hurt and bother me to treat my husband the way your wife treats you, which seems like second-rate.

Your wife's "wife-ing" obviously greatly differs than mine, so perhaps you should take my opinion on the matter with that in mind.


----------



## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

You said your wife was already at the retreat when your dad got sick. Did she at least offer to come home and be with her husband(you) and your family? You said you were able to drive there and check on her, so it's not like her retreat was in a secluded mountain resort only accessible by cable tram. Why didn't your wife come home to you? Am I missing something?


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Adam, I think you need to listen to how the woman on TAM are seeing that text and her actions towards you. Women are usually able to pick up on things that goes over our heads. I agree with @so_sweet that it sounds like your wife was but hurt that yoga dude wasn’t there. 

As for how your wife will treat you on her return, I suspect that she will be overly sweet to try to muscle her way into being into you but she’s wounded that mr yoga basically stood her up. She may put on her happy face but her mind is dwelling on mr yoga. Now all he has to do is put on the charm when they see each other again and she will be even more into this guy. This is called doing the push/pull.


----------



## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Exit37 said:


> At this point, if you aren’t willing to do something like put a VAR in her car then I think you are down to three options:
> 
> 
> Let it go. There is likely nothing here, this other guy really doesn’t seem all that threatening, and your wife has never gave you reason to not trust her in the past.
> ...


OP, I think that Exit has perfectly stated what your course of action should be.

Frankly, I think that it is outrageous that your wife cancels family plans (the movie,) and apparently would rather spend a holiday away from her husband going to a yoga retreat. That certainly puts in perspective where you all stand with her.

She wished Yoga Boy a Happy New Year. Did she give you such a greeting? Did she even contact you the whole weekend? Flat out disrespectful.

If you are going to be dealing with your fathers ill health, how is she going to support you and the family at this trying time? Running off to yoga retreats? I liked the question asked earlier, How does your wife support you? You may want to ponder this question for awhile.

For excrement and laughter, lets say that you decide to participate in an activity. And let's say that in the course of this activity, a number of retreats are required. Even though the activity is somewhat male oriented, lets say that a woman is participating. Lets say that she befriends you. Let's say that you spend a good chunk of time after the activity with this person. You spend time texting, as well. In addition to this, you choose to drop an activity with your family, and then during a holiday, leave your family to participate in this activity, and do so in a manner that raises questions. Is your wife going to put up with that?

I'll bet she wouldn't.

Why should you?


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Your wife seems spoiled. Why are you making excuses for her lack of being a good wife to you?


----------



## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

I would put a VAR in her car as has been suggested by more than one poster already. Don't let your guard down OP.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Tested_by_stress said:


> I would put a VAR in her car as has been suggested by more than one poster already. Don't let your guard down OP.


And one in her yoga bag if possible.


----------



## AdamsRob (26 d ago)

Today is travel day, so this will be short and it may be a bit before I’m on again. I probably do come across as a bit ‘flip floppy’ on this, however I’m simply trying to be fair in my assessment of the data and correct comments that seem not quite interpreted correctly… must be my background coming out. Upon return she was unusually passionate and initiated together time in a way I haven’t seen in awhile. That was the basis of my question. She does support me in many ways that I haven’t detailed, but is very independent also, which was hard to get used to. I’ll look into a VAR.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Unusually passionate? Just as I said above. She was putting on the effort to muscle herself into being into you. That passion was meant for yoga dude but had to be given to you because he didn’t show. 

Since you’re going to be away, make sure to monitor her communication with him and any friends she would confide in. You may not catch much because she will definitely be meeting up for a coffee date that may run long.


----------



## Jakobs (6 mo ago)

Way too much attentive energy being thrown at, what seems to be, an orbiting male. Probably now turned into an EA, by the sounds of it, and steamrolling into a full blown affair if he decides to pursue your wife (HE has control of your wife now, not you).

Sorry to say but your wife seems to have entered The Fog. If you want your marriage back you better start putting some distance between the two.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

AdamsRob said:


> Today is travel day, so this will be short and it may be a bit before I’m on again. I probably do come across as a bit ‘flip floppy’ on this, however I’m simply trying to be fair in my assessment of the data and correct comments that seem not quite interpreted correctly… must be my background coming out. Upon return she was unusually passionate and initiated together time in a way I haven’t seen in awhile. That was the basis of my question. She does support me in many ways that I haven’t detailed, but is very independent also, which was hard to get used to. I’ll look into a VAR.


That kind of overcompensation is usually a bad sign. Is she often like that after you've been apart a couple day? Have you happened to ask her why yoga man didn't go to the retreat, or if she was expecting him too?

Based on all you've posted I'm reasonably confident that they have not been physical, but I believe your wife is dancing dangerously close to the fire. The non-disclosure of meet ups is very concerning. That is lying by omission IMO. If I were you I would be talking to her about boundaries. Have either of you read the book _Not Just Friends_ by Shirley Glass? If you talk to her about your concerns regarding yoga man and she gives you any kind of pushback I suggest you read/listen to that book together. 


I have to ask. How do you feel about her taking sexy clothes and getting dolled up for a NYE party without you? That doesn't bother you? I travel a lot for work, but there are times my wife would have my balls in a sling if I were traveling and NYE is certainly one of those times.


----------



## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

She came home "Unusually passionate."
The question is what got her in that state. Was it the Yoga, or was it Yoga Boy?
Perhaps, you got the "Attention" that Yoga Boy would have received if he were in attendance.
I think that you have two options here.
Option one is that you take charge before things go further off the rails than they already are. You VAR up every place you can, you have an avenue for phone/text monitoring, and you monitor her closely. You then have a sitdown with her, harsh her buzz, install some reasonable boundaries (which should have been in place before this), and compel her to adjust her schedule in a manner that is respectful to the family and you. If she gives you grief or fails to comply, make sure the temperature gets very chilly (and I am not talking about your A/C unit.)
Option two is that you model the example that your wife has set. Get an activity, ghost her for it, find your own *____* Girl, and go at it. Do onto her exactly as she has done to you. Show her the disrespect she has shown you. It would be somewhat childish; however, I'll bet that it would be highly effective.
You need to do something other than analyze it, and you better be doing it quickly.


----------



## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> That kind of overcompensation is usually a bad sign. Is she often like that after you've been apart a couple day? Have you happened to ask her why yoga man didn't go to the retreat, or if she was expecting him too?
> 
> Based on all you've posted I'm reasonably confident that they have not been physical, but I believe your wife is dancing dangerously close to the fire. The non-disclosure of meet ups is very concerning. That is lying by omission IMO. If I were you I would be talking to her about boundaries. Have either of you read the book _Not Just Friends_ by Shirley Glass? If you talk to her about your concerns regarding yoga man and she gives you any kind of pushback I suggest you read/listen to that book together.
> 
> ...


I agree with all of this. OP said that she made a point of telling him that this was a "girls only" retreat, so I doubt she will tell him that she was upset that he didn't show up... the dressing up is still concerning, but could be innocent as I've said in a previous comment. I really think he needs to sit her down and talk through his concerns, but like I said I would place a VAR or two first.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Better know how to use the VAR perfectly.
I would, after securing it in her car, ruffle her feathers over the coffee dates with old boy, and go ahead and just say you’ve had enough of this guy getting more coffee dates with your wife than you are. Go ahead and trigger the call to old boy, which will surely result.
You need to get to the bottom of this once and for all.

also, most women want to spend New Year’s Eve with their man. She wasn’t with you and she had a sexy dress with her. Suspicious to me.

last of all, you’re not seeing much phone traffic between them as I’d suspect if were an affair.
Either he’s an orbiter as said (which I still wouldn’t go for and I’d put him walking), or it’s an actual affair and she has a burner phone which is common.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Exit37 said:


> I agree with all of this. OP said that she made a point of telling him that this was a "girls only" retreat, so I doubt she will tell him that she was upset that he didn't show up... the dressing up is still concerning, but could be innocent as I've said in a previous comment. I really think he needs to sit her down and talk through his concerns, but like I said I would place a VAR or two first.


Did I miss something? Where did anyone say or imply that she was upset the guy wasn't at the retreat? Seems like pure speculation.

This is all just *****-footing around. All @AdamsRob needs to do is be a freaking man and tell his wife that he is very uncomfortable with this guy, that they are way too close, and they she is never to meet up one-on-one with him again. And that texts should be about yoga only.

Any pushback from her and he should say "You've purposefully left out that you've met for coffee - that tells me all I need to know. Also, he's obviously working you even if you can't see it. If you can't or won't do this for me then I'm not sure what kind of marriage we can have. This isn't an unreasonable request."

Then done. Trust and verify she's keeping true to this. Over time, it should fade, as they won't be getting dopamine off each other anymore.

And if she can't/won't do this, then you know you've got a cheater.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Gabe just provided you the perfect framework to lay down your hard boundary requirements to your wife.


----------



## Rebel81 (6 mo ago)

AdamsRob said:


> Today is travel day, so this will be short and it may be a bit before I’m on again. I probably do come across as a bit ‘flip floppy’ on this, however I’m simply trying to be fair in my assessment of the data and correct comments that seem not quite interpreted correctly… must be my background coming out. Upon return she was unusually passionate and initiated together time in a way I haven’t seen in awhile. That was the basis of my question. She does support me in many ways that I haven’t detailed, but is very independent also, which was hard to get used to. I’ll look into a VAR.


Please do something.

I have a full thread on my wife's current work colleague among other things. I experienced what you are experiencing now and I still am to this day. You need to sit her down calmly, explain your concerns.

VAR, although perhaps some would say is morally wrong, is perhaps the best option for finding out once and for all what's going on.

I haven't read the full thread, but if you expressed your concerns, what was her reaction? Was it anger or understanding?


----------



## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

VAR will catch something if she is in a full blow AF and Physical which mean talking to the guy daily. if it is hidden or one sided or they are F buddies only you are not going to find anything.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

blackclover3 said:


> VAR will catch something if she is in a full blow AF and Physical which mean talking to the guy daily. if it is hidden or one sided or they are F buddies only you are not going to find anything.


My take, no affair has happened, YET. But all the groundwork has been laid and the the slope is as slippery as a luge track. She will likely deny this truth due to naiveite. So H has to force it.

From the sounds of it, the W is quite outgoing, bold, attractive, and has gotten a lot of male attention over her life. Guessing she's handled it well, has lots of practice. But any time you have a separate life/activity that takes this much non-work time away from your marriage (like NYE), it creates a cult-like atmosphere where mind-melding can change someone's judgement.

I think of OP gets ahead of this now, he'll be okay, but he needs to be very firm about it, and verify compliance.


----------



## Jakobs (6 mo ago)

blackclover3 said:


> VAR will catch something if she is in a full blow AF and Physical which mean talking to the guy daily. if it is hidden or one sided or they are F buddies only you are not going to find anything.


The later is the case. Cheaters seem to be getting good at cheating because there’s a million youtube and tik tok videos showing them what mistakes not to make. I can’t remember the last time I heard someone getting busted from lip syncing in the car. Nowadays, most adultery cases that are found out are so because one of the cheaters slipped up and made a mistake. Usually because they let their phone face up and one of the family members (usually the BW) saw a racy text or an emoji.

I mean… one of the cases a few months ago was about a guy whose wife was doing the AP at work. AT WORK! And during work hours too.


----------



## bygone (11 mo ago)

When your parents have health problems and your wife acts like it's okay instead of being supportive, it's a red flag for marriage.

The intensity turned into an opportunity to live her social life more comfortably.

"var" is a good idea but if your wife is using your service you can ask for her phone records from the last few month

you will know about data entries, messages and calls and notice if there are any deleted on the phone

you can recover some deleted with recovery programs

You can check by installing a program on her phone.

If you did some research or got help from someone who knows, you would have things to think about.

All that was left was to go to them and send someone (pi/friend) to get physical evidence.


----------



## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

Jakobs said:


> I can’t remember the last time I heard someone getting busted from lip syncing in the car.


I've see quite a few cases of this, one "famous" example would be Spaceghost0007, who caught his wife's conversation with her AP on the VAR he put in her car after asking her if she was having an affair. So it does happen, and I do believe many cheaters feel comfortable speaking on the phone when in their car, as it's a place where they are sure it's "just them."


----------



## Jakobs (6 mo ago)

Exit37 said:


> I've see quite a few cases of this, one "famous" example would be Spaceghost0007, who caught his wife's conversation with her AP on the VAR he put in her car after asking her if she was having an affair. So it does happen, and I do believe many cheaters feel comfortable speaking on the phone when in their car, as it's a place where they are sure it's "just them."


Oh yeah, there are still cases like that, just not as many. If you go on the cheating 101 forums, keeping shut at home and in the car is right below only communicating through Google docs, work email and a burner.

Don’t want to derail the conversation but, right now, the smart phone is the best place to get them busted.

The last two (personal) cases I’ve been privy to (cousin an friend) ended because of the iPhone. In one case, my cousin happened to sync his phone to his wife’s during Thanksgiving dinner and he busted her texting a coworker during one of her odd multiple bathroom breaks. The other case was a friend who noticed a huge ramp up on calls to two particular numbers. Crazy.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

She could be using an app for texts and phone calls. I do t think those would show in his bill as a number being contacted.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

@AdamsRob: Should you keep your eyes on her relationship with yoga boy the orbiter? Yes. Should you not be Mr. nice guy and stop saying you “supported” her when she asked to take a vacation with her yoga class, which could include yoga boy? Yes, you should never support things that put your relationship at risk. Is she in an emotional or physical affair? Probably not, you know far too little to say that.

Posters here are knowledge, and mean well, but many far too easily jump to the conclusion that your spouse is cheating and will hound you about it because of their bad experiences. What makes matters worse is if you dig and find nothing they will tell you to look harder no matter how hard you looked. Finding nothing is not proof of innocents, but finding something is proof of guilt. In the end you answer only to yourself in this matter. Good luck to you.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

so_sweet said:


> I'm not saying they're definitely having an affair, but what type of conversation would a potential cheater have with the husband?
> 
> Also, the "how did you guys meet" question is something I've been asked by new friends before they've even met my husband. It's a fairly common question when you make a new friend who's married.
> 
> ...


This whole thread is going almost word for word script what happened with me and my ex-wife. Yoga class, then taking lessons to become an instructor, becoming friends with one of the guys in the class, weekend retreats, occasional texting, coffee after class. Pretty much word for word what happened to me. Slight difference in that the male friend of my ex was also my youngest kids teacher.

The kicker is, I remember very vividly several conversations I had with this harmless guy who was so clearly not her type I know he wasn't her type because she said so many times  Parent teacher conferences especially. All seemed completely normal and professional on the surface and to my face. And here is the kicker...she was banging him the whole time.


----------



## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

samyeagar said:


> This whole thread is going almost word for word script what happened with me and my ex-wife. Yoga class, then taking lessons to become an instructor, becoming friends with one of the guys in the class, weekend retreats, occasional texting, coffee after class. Pretty much word for word what happened to me. Slight difference in that the male friend of my ex was also my youngest kids teacher.
> 
> The kicker is, I remember very vividly several conversations I had with this harmless guy who was so clearly not her type I know he wasn't her type because she said so many times  Parent teacher conferences especially. All seemed completely normal and professional on the surface and to my face. And here is the kicker...she was banging him the whole time.


How did you finally find out ?


----------



## F**k_Hockey (3 mo ago)

I'm going to leave a comment here for several reasons. First, I want to follow to see what happens. I don't want to sound rude or assuming, but it feels like watching a train wreck in slow motion. It's still fairly likely that this is being blown out of proportion. But at the same time, OP is doing the bare minimum in trying to get answers. I went through this as well. I learned that a spouse should absolutely not be spending that much time without me but with another man/men. I also learned I needed to be around more to keep our relationship strong. A neglected spouse will potentially go looking.

In your case, the red flags are kind of screaming. In trying to understand my own situation better both in trying to understand how it happened and how to move forward from it, I've read thousands of pages of these forums (neglecting my job for the better part of several months, to my own horror). These people are correct, it's a very slippery slope. Her reaction after New Year's Eve was definitely another red flag. 

At the very minimum, OP should absolutely be doing the Voice Activated Recorder (VAR) under her car seat. Also he should be wary of her possibly using other apps to chat (Snapchat, WhatsApp, Facebook Messenger, KIK, Instagram.... **** even phone games with chat features). Something is fishy. I really hope this is a great big nothingburger, but I know too much now to be as blind as I was.

Trust nobody.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Jimi007 said:


> How did you finally find out ?


tl;dr She told me she was.

Coincidentally, and unbeknownst to me at the time, things in our marriage started to decline around the time she started doing yoga and met the guy. Over the course of a year, it got to the point where she wanted us to separate. I went along with that for a couple of months, and then started forcing the issue of moving back in together. She absolutely did not want to move back in together, and it got to the point where during an angry argument, I asked about the guy, and in an attempt to hurt me, she flat out told me that she'd been banging him for the past year. Later that same afternoon, I filed for divorce, and she was served papers the next morning.


----------



## heather42 (1 mo ago)

AdamsRob said:


> Just to answer a few questions...her car was there and blocked in the whole weekend (at least the times that I did drive by checks). With the schedule and the small number of people, it would have been very difficult to leave with someone else (leaving her phone to keep me blinded). So, I think she was there all weekend. Other women...very doubtful! So, leaves the dress a bit of a mystery. The instructor is a woman, her boyfriend was there to cook the meals, etc., but from the FB pictures and videos he was the only guy there. Texting, only one for the weekend on New Year's Day at where he texted "Happy New Year! 2023 best year ever!" around 11 AM on Jan 1. She replied with a simple Happy New Year back, kind of cryptic I thought for someone she called a dear, dear friend in an earlier text, but perhaps she was busy with the sessions at the time. As far as being gone with my Father being ill, he took a turn for the worse after she left so it was not as callous as it might appear. It was a bad cold that he seemed to be recovering from that suddenly went to his lungs and possible early pneumonia which we are treating with antibiotics now. He is sounding somewhat better today so the flight home might still be possible (for those who were curious and sent me kind words about his sickness). I'm sure I'm missing some questions, my apologies if I have....not taking the time to go back through all the posts at this time.


She's definitely having an affair. 

Hope your dad feels better.


----------



## AdamsRob (26 d ago)

Thanks. My Dad is improving, but we all know he does not have much time left. He is back home where he wants to be and hopefully will have some good days still in front of him here.

Please don't assume I'm doing nothing. I have full access to he iPhone records and I see very little evidence there (checking phone logs, text logs, etc.). There is no other phone that I'm aware of and I doubt very much she has a burner. She drove us all 3 hours to the airport, and stayed with a friend for a couple of nights and just got back home today. I will come back from staying with my Dad in a couple of weeks. I will be a bit blind until I return, but I can watch locations remotely. I appreciate everyone taking the time to read the posts and to give their thoughts an inputs.


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

AdamsRob said:


> She does support me in many ways that I haven’t detailed, but is very independent also, which was hard to get used to.


I'm happy to hear you wife supports you in many ways. 

Do you chalk up certain stuff to “she’s an independent woman”? Do you think being independent automatically makes certain behavior okay?

Being an independent married woman doesn’t mean it’s cool to go on dates with another man or not include your husband in your New Year’s Eve plans. Sure, an independent married woman can do that but it’s not simply because she’s independent. It’s character.

I'm married and I’m independent in many ways. For example, if my husband walked out on me today, I wouldn't struggle financially for a second. However, that doesn't mean I don't think of my husband and his feelings in every way possible.

I don’t:
Throw my independence in my husband’s face by going on coffee dates with men or by spending New Year’s Eve without him or by packing sexy outfits for a solo trip, all the while knowing he won’t dare question me about any of it.

That isn’t behavior that should naturally be expected from an independent married woman but rather it’s the behavior of someone who doesn’t give a crap and quite possibly someone taking advantage of their spouse.


----------



## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

AdamsRob said:


> I will come back from staying with my Dad in a couple of weeks. I will be a bit blind until I return, but I can watch locations remotely. I appreciate everyone taking the time to read the posts and to give their thoughts an inputs.


I hope you put a VAR with a large memory card under her car seat before you left.


----------



## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

I do hope this just turns out to be nothing, really. Don't wish bad things on any one. Best wishes for you dad.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I hope that your dad is able to make a recovery. But if his health truly goes south, spending some quality time during his last days will be something you can’t put a price nor get a second chance to have. As for your wife, I truly hope she has you in her thoughts as you’re away for so long and doesn’t use your absence as an opportunity to take things to the next level with yoga dude.


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

AdamsRob said:


> She drove us all 3 hours to the airport, and *stayed with a friend for a couple of nights* and just got back home today.


Are you sure about that?


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I’m sure the unknown single guy who seems like a sweet, harmless puppy, the solitary man in the middle of a yoga class full of women……..that’s having coffee dates with your super hot (your description) wife…….. and has her home phone number…….

I’m sure he has no bad intentions. They’re just casual friends. Totally logical.

Heck, I’m looking for Yoga classes tomorrow.
Will Ferrel found after crashing weddings, funerals were gold mines for catching honeys. Apparently yoga classes are the real undiscovered city of gold……


----------



## Jakobs (6 mo ago)

samyeagar said:


> tl;dr She told me she was.
> 
> Coincidentally, and unbeknownst to me at the time, things in our marriage started to decline around the time she started doing yoga and met the guy. Over the course of a year, it got to the point where she wanted us to separate. I went along with that for a couple of months, and then started forcing the issue of moving back in together. She absolutely did not want to move back in together, and it got to the point where during an angry argument, I asked about the guy, and in an attempt to hurt me, she flat out told me that she'd been banging him for the past year. Later that same afternoon, I filed for divorce, and she was served papers the next morning.


That is insane. She was lucky you just filed for divorce… I mean, cases like yours kind of put into context how some people just lose it and take it on their SO. I mean it’s psychological abuse, plain and simple.


----------



## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

AdamsRob said:


> I will come back from staying with my Dad in a couple of weeks. I will be a bit blind until I return, but I can watch locations remotely.


Will your wife be able to come up and visit you doing the two weeks at your dads or will she be by herself the entire time?


----------



## bygone (11 mo ago)

From now on you should support your father, god help you

The situation of your wife is uncertain, but even if what you have written for a few days does not deceive, it suggests that she is living a life outside of marriage.

You're aware of things going wrong, you're just trying to find reasons,

If your financial situation is suitable, a pi will give you proof, they will act comfortable because you are far away.

You share your wife's phone and location, but you don't know where Om's phone is.


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

AdamsRob said:


> My Dad is improving, but we all know he does not have much time left. He is back home where he wants to be and hopefully will have some good days still in front of him here.


I'm sorry to hear that your dad does not have much time left. Best wishes for your dad and you and your family. Take care.


----------



## AdamsRob (26 d ago)

Thank you, you're living up to your on-line name!


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

AdamsRob said:


> Thank you, you're living up to your on-line name!


Thanks, that's very nice of you to say!
But I should mention that when I created my username "so_sweet", I was referring to marriage and not me personally! LOL


----------



## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

AdamsRob said:


> Thanks. My Dad is improving, but we all know he does not have much time left. He is back home where he wants to be and hopefully will have some good days still in front of him here.
> 
> Please don't assume I'm doing nothing. I have full access to he iPhone records and I see very little evidence there (checking phone logs, text logs, etc.). There is no other phone that I'm aware of and I doubt very much she has a burner. She drove us all 3 hours to the airport, and stayed with a friend for a couple of nights and just got back home today. I will come back from staying with my Dad in a couple of weeks. I will be a bit blind until I return, but I can watch locations remotely. I appreciate everyone taking the time to read the posts and to give their thoughts an inputs.


First i hope the best for your father and i pray he doesn't suffer at all. As for your wife you seem to be watching over everything and you have defended your wife's innocence at every turn. as of right now, do you feel everything is going great and your wife is a loving, faithful woman and always has been and you are not concerned at all about the previous issues?


----------



## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

TheGodfather said:


> First i hope the best for your father and i pray he doesn't suffer at all. As for your wife you seem to be watching over everything and you have defended your wife's innocence at every turn. as of right now, do you feel everything is going great and your wife is a loving, faithful woman and always has been and you are not concerned at all about the previous issues?


Sorry, clicked on the Reply button when scrolling down, not meaning to reply, and don’t know how to delete it.


----------



## MIB (Dec 20, 2017)

If I was interested in a married woman, I would be engaging and cordial with the husband. Especially if I was not sure where she stood. I would want to make sure I am no threat that would hinder my ability to be around her.

I don’t like the existence of this friendship. It’s a bit too much. I see it as a situation where convictions and self control keep everything platonic while a desire lurks underneath. At least for one of the parties involved, but let’s be honest, even if one party likes the other, many would love that attention and it could become a dependency.

This could be one of this situations where the friendship goes on and on until that one perfect moment where the planets align and the opportunity is there and they would never be found out.

I would not like it if my wife maintained this kind of close friendship with a guy. And I know for a fact she, as well, would not even go there.

I would suggest this guy could be a well mannered opportunist. Only because I have been that guy before.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Of course he is a snake in the grass. Otherwise he would be gay, or the only freak on the planet that wouldn’t be interested in banging his super hot yoga instructor. These super nice guys/——. I’ve always mistrusted them. I’ve been taught to by the repeated pattern of ultra nice guy behavior and the awful things they do when they think nobody is watching.

OP’s wife may be legitimately naive. It doesn’t mean her husband has to be.


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

@AdamsRob 
How is your Dad doing?
How are you holding up?


----------



## AdamsRob (26 d ago)

Thank you for asking. My Dad is having an unexpected recovery, back to walking on the beach and I’m spending some great quality time with him and my brother and sister here! His time is still limited due to age and his heart, but it’s great to see him back home and enjoying life a bit longer! One more week here for me. I’ve done as much digging as possible from a distance. 
Cell phone records show quite a few texts that I don’t recall seeing on her phone, so I assume they were deleted but I will confirm once I return. According to phone records the texts all stopped after that New Years text exchange. Perhaps things have cooled or just a different way to communicate is now being used. I may try to recover deleted texts on her iPhone when I return, but not sure I can pull that off access wise. Credit card records show coffee purchases on most days she has class, but time at coffee house recently is usually short, once in awhile 30 min at most. She has easy opportunities to be out if she wished, but that does not appear to be the case. Not much more to report yet.


----------

