# Advice needed - POSOM just sent me an email



## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

I posted this in the "Coping With Infidelity" section but I wanted to get your opinions as well since this section is closer to where I actually am in my divorce.

Some of you know my story. Wife had at least a 1 1/2 year affair...EA/PA. The usual story...Lied, denied, blame-shifted, rug swept...etc. I finally got the prof I needed...from POSOM's wife. I Stayed for over a year in false R (she did nothing to help) I finally filed for Divorce after she still claimed she didn't know what she wanted. Our divorce will be final in 3 weeks. We just told the kids this last weekend. I have been disconnecting from STBXWW and emotionally moving on as best I can.

Out of the blue, (today) POSOM set me an email that says:

*"I think it's time you and I have a talk. I owe it to you."*

My blood pressure went through the roof as soon as I saw the message in my inbox. 

What are his motives? Should I respond? What good could possibly come of a conversation? Will a conversation with this POS set me back emotionally? What does he want? Is he looking to let go of guilt...WTH???

I am filled with reservations about responding...I would much rather beat him to a pulp!

*My question to you is: What should I do...what would you do?*


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## zappy88200 (Dec 6, 2012)

I will not loose my calm and have a talk with him.

But I will remain very very calm and I will talk.

Zappy


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I would not even go there. I think it will set you back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

Tell him "Is this about the stds my wife has, Because I just got tested after her warning and thank god I'm clean" That's what happens when you sleep with whoever bats an eye in your direction"....

No but seriously if you're leaving your wife I don't see why you need to reopen a wound that still needs a deal of time to heal. If you're leaving then what good could possibly come from it?

Stay strong and hols your head up high. You'll get through it and be in a better place sooner than you think. Trust me I've been there.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

MrsOldNews said:


> Tell him "is this about the stds my wife has, Because I just got tested and they weren't from me" Good luck with that buddy....
> 
> No but seriously if you're leaving your wife I don't see why you need to reopen a wound that still needs a deal of time to heal. If you're leaving then what good could possibly come from it?
> 
> Stay strong and hols your head up high. You'll get through it and be in a better place sooner than you think. Trust me I've been there.


Haha
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

Decimated said:


> I posted this in the "Coping With Infidelity" section but I wanted to get your opinions as well since this section is closer to where I actually am in my divorce.
> 
> Some of you know my story. Wife had at least a 1 1/2 year affair...EA/PA. The usual story...Lied, denied, blame-shifted, rug swept...etc. I finally got the prof I needed...from POSOM's wife. I Stayed for over a year in false R (she did nothing to help) I finally filed for Divorce after she still claimed she didn't know what she wanted. Our divorce will be final in 3 weeks. We just told the kids this last weekend. I have been disconnecting from STBXWW and emotionally moving on as best I can.
> 
> ...


Nothing good can come out of it.. this is not the type of closure you need.

If you want respond to him stating that there is nothing really to talk about and wish him luck.

That way when their thing falls apart he can reflect on that fact you probably knew something about her he didn't. That in itself is justice.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Been there and trust me it's not going to be a peace talk.

If anything I promise you this, if they're still having an affair he's going to tell you off in one way or another -"Stop harassing MY woman!" - just so he can look like a hero to your wife and seem like the good guy. I don't care if he's seemingly nice at first or if he apologizes endlessly, he's going to tell you f*ck off and to stop making her feel bad about having an affair. 

In any case your best bet is to only communicate with him through email or IM and tell him something like "I don't care anymore..... Keep her away from me...... I don't want her back!". I'm telling you this for your own good, he's not a buisness partner he's an informant! And the more he feels like you're trying to get your wife back the more he is going to mess with you and try to piss you off so your character is questioned in divorce court. 

Act like you don't care and he will leave you alone. He needs to think he's won so the affair will end sooner, and more than likely he'll go back to this wife. Married men who cheat handle abandonment differently and the stress of losing both partners for good at the same time is immense. 

And your wife will NOT stop bashing you until you completely reject her and earn respect for yourself for doing so. She cheated on you, strung you along for over a year, lied to you....... She doesn't deserve your words or your time of day right now!


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## SpunkySpunky (Dec 17, 2012)

Wouldnt even answer. Nothing he can say will make anything better. Just set you back. Ignore with self respect and dignity in tact.


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## lost hunter (Dec 13, 2012)

I agree with Nsweet, the only communication I would have is through email. If you meet face to face, you could lose your cool, and bad things could happen. Also if you tell him just to email you, you can have a paper trail if anything is brought up about the conversation. Just be polite and stay calm.


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## BC3 (Sep 26, 2012)

I agree with the majority here. I don't know how I would react if the POSom who took my wife contacted me. I have played it over and over in my head what I will do if I ever see him. I've seen 100 different things in my head happen but realize the best thing that can happen for me would be to do NOTHING. I think that's what's best for you as well..do NOTHING. Don't even respond.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

MrsOldNews said:


> Tell him "Is this about the stds my wife has, Because I just got tested after her warning and thank god I'm clean" That's what happens when you sleep with whoever bats an eye in your direction"....


:smthumbup:

Love this response. 

If you do decide to contact him, definitely keep it in writing and don't meet in person or talk over the phone unless you are recording it with a VAR. 

Seems a little crazy he wants to contact you, the husband who he had an affair with the wife. Pretty ballsie if you ask me. Maybe his confidence is coming from still talking to your stbx?

I've read this thread in the CWI section and I agree with some of those posts that it may jut be him and your stbx trying to manipulate or get information from you somehow. 

The question you need to ask, is, will talking to him set you back emotionally at all? If so, don't do it, its not worth it.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

do not respond...and block him. 
the games are long over...

you have come to far. no need to change your course or out look on anything or be told this...or told that...because the end result is the same.. so there's no need. 

don't respond...and block him. so when he tries again...he will see..your ''blocking" is the response itself and that my dear is very clear enough!!


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

Yes ignore him. I guarantee you nothing he has to say to you would be good news. Maybe he feels guilty. Regardless , their relationship is doomed just like every other relationship that starts with infidelity.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Ignore


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## loveispatient (Jan 10, 2013)

Don't respond. It's in your favor to move on versus going on and on. Nothing good can come from communicating with POSOM. Besides, what's there to talk about? You've filed for divorce after trying to make your marriage work. It's just a step-back.. Good luck to you..


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

Thank You for your thoughts and advice. The consensus seems to be Crickets to the POSOM.

I agree but I cant help wanting to fire one last shot at him as I exit so I am still undecided at this point.

If I decide to respond, this is what it would say:


POSOM,

"I think it's time you and I have a talk. I owe it to you."

Is that your attempt at sounding magnanimous?

You arrogantly seem to think you are entitled to demand an audience with me because you think it's time we have a talk? Then you try to soften your arrogance with a tiny bit of fake humility by saying you "owe it to me"?

Here is my answer. 

I have no interest in what you think. Anything you could possibly say to me would be self serving and for your benefit alone. I have no interest in speaking with you…ever. I have no interest in anything you could possibly say. You have nothing I need. You mean nothing to me. I do agree that you owe me but that is a debt that you could never possibly repay.

Understand this. I have moved on. I have more important and better things to think about then you, her, and the drama of your cliche, tawdry affair.

You are and will always be, a lying, cheating, piece of remorseless s**t.

Congratulations on all of the destruction you and her have left in your wake. She is all yours...you two deserve each other.

The 3 minutes it took me to write this message are 3 minutes I'll never get back…much more then you are worth. Do not ever contact me again...ever.

My final two words for you are…F**k Off!

Comments?


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## niceguysfinishlast (Jan 18, 2013)

Ah but see that makes you look weak and not in control of your emotions. Just saying something like "I've moved on. Please don't contact me again" will make him wonder why he's feeling the way he is when you've moved on. Living well is the best revenge.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

niceguysfinishlast said:


> Ah but see that makes you look weak and not in control of your emotions. Just saying something like "I've moved on. Please don't contact me again" will make him wonder why he's feeling the way he is when you've moved on. Living well is the best revenge.


Niceguy, thanks for the comment. This is an interesting perspective. I struggle with wanting to get up in his **** one last time...wanting the last word, so to speak. If there were no laws against beating your STBXWW's POSOM to death, I would much rather do that and it would give me a feeling of satisfaction. I thought sending something like this is would be the best I could do legally and still feel some level of satisfaction. I guess weakness or strength is subject to POSOM's interpretation.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Tell him ok, you'll meet but you're coming locked and loaded if that matters to him.

Don't do it. Don't even reply. He doesn't deserve it.


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## niceguysfinishlast (Jan 18, 2013)

Decimated said:


> If there were no laws against beating your STBXWW's POSOM to death, I would much rather do that and it would give me a feeling of satisfaction.


This is what I want to do to my POSOM too. If there was some justice in this world, he'd drive his car into a train.

In this situation though you can't say or do anything that would actually harm him (without putting yourself in the same harm) and emotional bewilderment is the best you can hope for.

I take solace in this stat I read on the Plan A Plan B guide:



> As it turns out, most affairs end within six months of their seeing the light of day (being revealed to their family and friends), and almost all affairs end without leading to marriage. Even those few that end in marriage have only a 25% rate of success. That's because affairs are based on dishonesty and thoughtlessness for the feelings of others. That same dishonesty and thoughtlessness eventually turns on the lovers themselves, and the affair is destroyed by those same flaws that made it possible in the first place. What drives affairs is passion, not commitment, and once the passion wanes, there is nothing to help the lovers restore their passion.


Hang in there. There are others like you here and we're strong, honorable guys who didn't deserve this. We'll get through it.


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