# Karma Calls



## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

I'm new here so hello to everyone. Last October I discovered my wife had been having EA's texting, sexting, and flirting for just over two years. 

The whole thing really has devistated me and got me to the point where I had to get medicated. Just hard for me to believe that OM could have that much control over the woman I love. The day I found out she broke everything off and has had no contact since and has been a much better wife than what I had before but there are still so many issues with me. 
On D Day trying to deflect some blame she asked me if I had ever cheated on her. I really wanted to tell her the truth about that. Not to hurt her but because I feel like total crap for the man I was for so long. She was not the only one in this marriage who has been unfaithful. I look at me and know the truth is I've been unfaithful for nearly the entire 9 years we've been married. I was even cheating on her when we were still dating. My friends, family, coworkers, none of them know about the person that I have been. At work I am the boss and never once went out of line in any way with a female employee. I've used the computer and my business travel to link up with the secret aquantances over the years. I stopped my bad behavior 4months before D Day on my own. I really felt total guilt for the rotten person I had been so I decided that I was going to treat my wife right and make the marriage better and shift my attention to where it belongs . By then it was too late. Due to years of neglect, compliments of me, my wife had already gone astray. All day she would be texting back and 4th between her and one of the OM. In all 30000 text messages in a year. Reading the messages gave me that sick feeling. I never got into texting that much with any women. I never had any feelings for the women that I was chasing just lust and that need for more. Over the time I've been with my wife I've done mostly PA but never felt emotionally attached in any way to anyone. I never led anyone on to believe that I wanted more from them than just a little fun. I totally know how wrong I've been. Some days I feel I am truly getting what I deserve. I'm devistated for many reasons, most of all feeling like my selfish actions are what got us to this so I find myself blaming me. I live with alot of guilt. I feel guilty for feeling as hurt as I am by her cheating on me. What I did was worse.

I'll never know why I've been a cheat for so long. I've cheated on practically every woman I ever cared about. Somehow I think me feeling guilty and doing something bad would justify them leaving me because I always felt even the best thing would eventually come to an end. I always thought of it that way I think. The more I cared about someone the more worried it all made me. I hate how the times since we've been married when I've been tempted I didn't say no. I chose to do what I did and I'll live with it. At least my wife has my forgiveness but for me I'll never know if I would have had hers. I now truly realize just how horrible it is to cheat on a spouse. I will never behave the way I have again. My wife was out of control with her behavior but the sad thing was so was I for much longer. While I could have been spending time making my wife feel loved I was busy setting up the next playtime. I even cheated with other married women. I feel so bad that I was the OM. I was responsible for hurting someone else's family the way my wife's OM hurt mine. 


I look at my life and wonder a few things. I can't help but feel like my wife happens to be a person like me. I wonder if it's our nature to lock up the one we want and mess around for the thrill although my version of messing around was more extreme whereas hers involved other men telling her the things she wanted to here and paying attention to her. We both have the appetite for attention. On d day she told me how none of them ever meant anything to her. Sad thing is I'd have said the exact same thing. She dumped the OM just like that without even a second thought, like they didn't matter. I'm not taking comfort in that just thinking how it would have been if it were the other way around. I was never looking for the upgrade during all my years of infidelity, just something else. I already knew what I had was what I wanted. She was very embarrassed that I knew everything when I confronted her. It drove me crazy that my wife would do this to me. I just think of how this must be payback for my years of lowlife behavior. At times I almost didn't want her to be sorry because I knew how bad I was. I've learned alot from all this. I won't be going back to being the man I was anytime soon.


----------



## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

I don't want to tell her the truth because I don't want her to believe that I am just out to inflict pain on her as a revenge attack. She is also far more jealous than I am and who knows what she would do. I don't want her seeking out the OW and planning attack on them. To me the little affairs really meant nothing so I'm not sure if I ever want to open that can of worms. I'd be afraid it might ruin our relationship. Throughout the marriage she has been somewhat controlling and has accused me of cheating the entire time. What's sad is when she was accusing me I wasn't. I might have looked at things differently if I felt trusted. I know that's no excuse but when you call someone bad often enough it becomes who they are. If ever she would have said something to me like, "I really trust you". I think my guilt would have kicked in and I might have been able to stop myself. She always made me feel like I was a cheater and person who couldn't be trusted. I went outside the relationship just like she did to hear nice words. The sad thing is during her computer EA's period we got along very well, never fought and in the last six months of it were having the greatest sex of our relationship. OM would turn her on with the sexy talk and then she took it out on me. I wished I could have been like that with her when I was cheating.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Who was the OM? Could it have been physical?


----------



## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

There was one main OM who served as main manipulator, enabler. He lived a few thousand miles away as did most of them. She met him and they were friends through this game they played online. After a while it went off the slippery slope with the things they were saying. He tells me on d day that if I divorce her he would have her. I just gave her a choice and she chose me. There were 13 other men, usually a man a month till she got bored then she found another. It all hurts knowing. Over a year and a half she never left the house as she was in a depression over her mothers passing. Not to work, not leaving period. We have kids too so I don't think anyone came over. She claims it didn't go physical but I'll never know for sure.


----------



## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

Some things are just better left unsaid. If your wife has broken it off with the OM and has become a much better wife because of it...take the marriage for what it's worth and get yourselves into some counseling if you love her enough to make your marriage work.

It may be that she's known about your indiscretions all this time, and rather than confront you with them (while you may have probably lied to her anyway..), she chose to have an affair of her own (which was probably purely physical since he gave her the attention she needed, but broke it off upon being discovered with no contact since). 

How much attention have you paid to her in the past...or were you too wrapped up in your "outside the marriage" activities? 

The thing is, women DO know when their husbands are fooling around. Call it female intuition for the most part, but there are soo many other ways a woman finds out. Some choose to confront their husbands although most of the time it does no good as they just get lied to anyway. Most of us just live in denial and put up with it because we love our husbands enough to have some of them, rather than none of them at all.

Your indiscretions however, may have pushed her into having an affair of her own with a man that made her feel loved and appreciated. Upon being confronted with it though..she ended it completely because she loves you.

My advice to you is to get yourself into some counseling before you tell your wife about this as you sound like you may have an issue with sexual addiction. You need to find out for yourself WHY you do what you do with other women behind your wife's back when you claim to love her so dearly.

After you have a clear concept of yourself, that's when your wife needs to be called into counseling with you so that you can tell her what's been going on..she can see that you're truely dedicated to recover from your addiction, and hopefully the two of you can make a fresh start towards trusting each other again.

Good luck to you both!!


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I am conflicted. While she has the right to know about your affairs too, now would be a bad time for the marriage. (with the OM waiting on the sidelines)


Also all these 13 men were out of the state? Hard to believe but still she is less worse than you I guess


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Tell her
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

memyselfandi said:


> Some things are just better left unsaid. If your wife has broken it off with the OM and has become a much better wife because of it...take the marriage for what it's worth and get yourselves into some counseling if you love her enough to make your marriage work.
> 
> It may be that she's known about your indiscretions all this time, and rather than confront you with them (while you may have probably lied to her anyway..), she chose to have an affair of her own (which was probably purely physical since he gave her the attention she needed, but broke it off upon being discovered with no contact since).
> 
> ...


I was wrapped up in my job mostly. Then after that came the screwing around. I'd maybe have two women a year. I didn't put a whole lot of time into it. I didn't have much time. The little I did should have gone to my wife. I was making lots of money and letting all the sucess ruin me as a man. I bought whatever she wanted but never took the time out of my busy life to notice my wife. I think back to how good of a wife she was and all she did for me. 

What helped me change my ways was christ. I started attending church about a year ago and one day things just hit me. My pastor was up talking about me when he was talking about the deeds I have done. I knew that day I had to change my ways. A person can't always change how they feel at a moment but they can change what they do. I accepted christ not long after and I knew I had to keep my promise with god that I would step away from the man I was and honor my wife.
Christ also gave me the grace I needed on d day. I comforted my crying wife who was very afraid of losing me. I felt like I didn't deserve her. I was truly a moron for doing the things I did. I have a wife that you could line up men to be with and I was insensitive, uncaring, whiny. Just about everything that would turn a woman off and drive her away. The day I accepted christ I went through flashbacks of everything I had done wrong in the marriage. I worked very hard at being the husband she wanted and needed but the sad thing was by that point she had gone astray. Sometimes things happen for a reason. Right now we are both in a better place than we have been in years. I was very ready to be a good man and husband and after d day she was ready to be a good wife. What she did really hurts. If anything will keep me an honest man it is the pain that I have felt since d day. I can't imagine putting her through that. Then on top of it I feel I have only myself to blame. I was so close to losing the woman of my dreams. I feel lucky this marriage has a second chance. 

She wrote me a letter a few weeks after d day that I kept. It said in that letter how we always make it. It made me cry reading that. I just wondered if she knew the things I did if we would make it and then I thought this was a woman who was waiting for me to return from the a hole person I became. She was just waiting, biding time with talking to men that meant nothing waiting for me. Knowing that hurt.


----------



## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> I am conflicted. While she has the right to know about your affairs too, now would be a bad time for the marriage. (with the OM waiting on the sidelines)
> 
> 
> Also all these 13 men were out of the state? Hard to believe but still she is less worse than you I guess


I'm easily worse. While I didn't put the time into my actions she did my actions lasted through the course of our marriage. I made myself available physically to other women throughout the marriage. I lied much longer than she did. Had I put just a little effort into my marriage and gave her the romance she needed I doubt it would have came to that. Her relationship with the 13 men over a year period boiled down to texting most of the day. For her it was someone who was fun to talk to. They entertained her and took her mind off me. When she got bored talking she moved on. All 13 were out of state according to the phone records. She's a very fine looking woman. It could have been far more than 13, lol. I did do some investigating to see just who but I didn't need to tell them to go away, she did.


----------



## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

I think nows a bad time too but I have no idea whens a good time for something like this. I want to save my marriage not destroy it. If I tell her I stand the chance of not only having her go wayward on me again but the chance of losing her. The fact that I neglected her the way I did is bad enough. I felt some of that when she was neglecting me in the months leading up to d day when I was really trying yet she was neglecting me to talk to the unknown OM's of the secret life who were more exciting. It really hurt and still does. See the new me got hurt yet that doesn't take away the bad things I did in the past.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

What if your wife was cheating all this time? I don't mean the EAs. What if she was having PA's all this time? Would you want to know? Would you still stay?


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Sorry for saying this but the man your wife knows as her husband is, for lack of a better word, a fraud. Do you seriously believe that Christ would approve you keeping the truth about your infidelities a secret from your wife?


----------



## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> What if your wife was cheating all this time? I don't mean the EAs. What if she was having PA's all this time? Would you want to know? Would you still stay?


The extent of my PA's was a few one night stands a year. I would not want to know if my wife did this. It would be more hurt than I think I could stand. Some things are better left unsaid.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

> I don't want to tell her the truth because I don't want her to believe that I am just out to inflict pain on her as a revenge attack.


_Dude_... don't hide behind this BS. You know damn well what you need to do here. Lay all the cards on the table, so you guys can either R or D. This is a starting point for truth and honesty, which the both of you have been evading for some time now.


----------



## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

morituri said:


> Sorry for saying this but the man your wife knows as her husband is, for lack of a better word, a fraud. Do you seriously believe that Christ would approve you keeping the truth about your infidelities a secret from your wife?


Very sad but true. These are things that for years only I knew. The man I gave her in the good times was a good guy who had issues. I never saw myself as the low life I was. Our lord would not approve of any of the horrible things I have done. I can't change the past or the lies of the past. I can only show I am genuine as a believer by what I choose to do from the day I took christ on. I wish I felt this way years ago but I never thought of the consequences to my own heart all this would someday bring.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I'll give you my take, it not pretty so don't read if you are not prepared for less than a pat on the back for your latest iteration - the betrayed Christian faithful husband.

I am sorry but i have rarely read so much false mia culpa. Look at your post at 6:25PM. Are you kidding!! 

You were a cheater before you met her and for the entire time you were with her up until a mere 2 yrs ago. You blame her for getting it right? What are saying. She got you right but through manipulation, lies and gas lighting, you told her in essence that her perception was distorted. 

She knew it in her heart that you were not who you said you were but you drove her crazy in order to keep her. how do you even formulate the notion that she was responsible for you being an empty man with no empathy? How is it her fault?? She had it right she deserves a prize for her perceptiveness and you blame her.. 

You should never have started a relationship with her. That was the first awful thing you did. . If you wanted to hide you nature you could have found a woman less perceptive. At lest a woman like that would have lived in happy oblivion. But you wated her and she had the misfortune to be perceptive enough to figure that you were a poser. 

She made you look good because she was gorgeous? But she was human too and too sensitive for a deceptive man. You drove her crazy because she knew you, but you played with her mind. 

I think if you dig down deep and find your sense of what is good and kind you will consider carefully what you are doing. A sudden bout of Christianity does not undo years of heartless selfishness. Are you not still as self centered as you ever were? you look out for how you can hide and manipulate to suit yourself. 

Are you not as dismissive of her humanity as you were before? You want her but she has never had the chance to decide if she wants a person like you because she does not know you. . 

This new persona - the good Chritian man - what is that exactly? What is marriage? What is love? In my opinion you have none of these. You have secrets and you are still a false person but now you are a Christian. You have not atoned for your lies and transgressions. You have not opened your true self to this woman and allowed her to chose if she wants a man like you. 

You have not atoned for driving her crazy with your deceptions. You have the power to relieve her years of suffering be revealing to her that she was right about you. She is not crazy and should not have been driven to depression because she has a healthy perception of you. You were the one who was sick but she bore tge brunt of it. You have not atoned for any of that. 

You don't have a marriage and love. Love is two people knowing each other warts and all. She does not know you. You are still defrauding her now as the forgiving husband. What a crock. If she is as perceptive as she seems, she knows you are still hiding something.

She is trying but it is still there the nagging knowing. She gave you the chance to tell her she was not crazy when she asked you again if you cheated. But again you lied. 

She could have some good honest man to love her. I hope the ultimate good karma happens for her and she meets that man soon. She needs to come out into tge fresh clean sunshine and know that she is not controlling, suspicious and jelous and mentally ill.

She was a victim of a giant scam by a man who did not see her as human with feelings. He is still running the scam under another guise but it is just a thin veneer hiding the same workings. You are still not out of the woods, you have a long long way to go. You are still playing mind games. Get some therapy. Really read your Bible. God will support you and your wife through this but only if you are authentic when you go to Him. 

I feel very bad for your wife. I hope she heals but I don't think she will until she gets away from you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Oh and you statement about not doing the cheating anytime soon is a slip and it is chilling. You mean ever again don't you? You not very good at hiding your true nature. That what your wife sees the slips.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

ashamed74 said:


> *The extent of my PA's was a few one night stands a year*. I would not want to know if my wife did this. It would be more hurt than I think I could stand. Some things are better left unsaid.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Seriously man what do you really want??

Your wife´s EA are seriously beside point right now..
Infidelity is, and never should become a pissing contest.
But you have been going at it for the whole marriage.

What was you thinking al a long?? 

And finally
*I would not want to know if my wife did this
*

Oh please loose this attitude..Cheaters al say the same..

I honestly dont think you and your "wife" did really have a
real marriage as it should be.

i mean you act like all men that i know..
you excuse your self, oh well it was just a few one night
stand, per year.That vent on for 9years..Not biggie..
But then. You the man in you only react ,and fly of the handle

when the possibility that thier wife could have got a another man´s D..ck inside her.. 

That´s why i say.Cheating is beside the point here..

Start talking with your wife.Come clean and give

her the courtesy to be a part of the decision of the
direction and future outcome out of the marriage.


----------



## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

*Our lord would not approve of any of the horrible things I have done. day I took christ on. *

Please man dont go there!!


----------



## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

Jonesey said:


> *Our lord would not approve of any of the horrible things I have done. day I took christ on. *
> 
> Please man dont go there!!


I know I've lived a very sinful life. Church is the place for sinners like me. There's hope.


----------



## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

Jonesey said:


> Seriously man what do you really want??
> 
> Your wife´s EA are seriously beside point right now..
> Infidelity is, and never should become a pissing contest.
> ...


You really don't know my wife and who she is other than the few things that I have told you. She is very needy and pretty much watched my every move until she started cheating and even after that was still checking my email and deleting friends off of face book. My wife knows the game and knows how it all works just as I do. Sometimes I wonder what else is out there. I'd feel guilty looking to find out. 

I'm not saying because it was a one night stand that made it okay. I'm saying that there was no emotional connection between me and the other women other than friends. 

What was I thinking? I cheated because of the power that it made me feel. There's a high associated with doing something bad. I was addicted to these feelings and knowing that I could have other women. For me it's a very powerful pull. Life as an adult has been so different than life as a child. I wasn't the guy that the girls wanted growing up. I didn't have the nice clothes and other material things the wanted people had. I lived in a small town. Once I left there I was amazed to find out I was wanted. It's been something I have a hard time accepting. Both me and my wife grew up in similar family situations where there was substance abuse. I was made scapegoat when things got abusive. Most of my life I felt pretty bad about me. It's easy to do bad things when that's who you think you are. It's like it comes natural. I've been a cheater and a workaholic for reasons only to prove something. I was most obsessed with sucess and would do anything to get it. I badly wanted to be the guy who had it all. I already was the guy who had it all.


----------



## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> Oh and you statement about not doing the cheating anytime soon is a slip and it is chilling. You mean ever again don't you? You not very good at hiding your true nature. That what your wife sees the slips.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't remember where I said that but I know for sure that I am through being a cheater. I feel horrible about who I have been.


----------



## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> I'll give you my take, it not pretty so don't read if you are not prepared for less than a pat on the back for your latest iteration - the betrayed Christian faithful husband.
> 
> I am sorry but i have rarely read so much false mia culpa. Look at your post at 6:25PM. Are you kidding!!
> 
> ...


My days of the game and the scam are over. I am permanently changing my ways. The fact is I did what I did and nothing I do now will take any of it back. I feel I'm better to spare my wife and my family the pain. We have a very happy home and our children are doing very well. You have to understand. Besides the random cheating I have been a good husband who has at times neglected his wife. No man will be perfect there. I've never hung at the bars and always went home to my wife. The thing that I did that drove my wife to depression was the workaholic part of me that emerged in the great recession and blamed himself for the people I had to lay off. My whole life became my job. Still though the only thing that made me stop being a cheater was Christ. It shouldn't bother so many of you that Christ was finally the thing to do it for me. I don't consider myself the self righteous holy roller type, just a man who has made numerous mistakes. My best friend at work who is also a cheater like me is no longer a cheater because of what I told him. This was the one person who I would share the adventures with over the years. I told him how we were living aimless lives and underneath it all stood for nothing. I don't know how for the life of me I could choose another woman for a moment but I did and its hard to come to grips with. For so long I was able to switch gear in my mind and put my wife in another place in my mind while I did these things. I've been around so many other guys that are cheaters that I almost believed this is a normal thing for guys to do. 
My first boss when I was 18 was a married cheater. I worked at a fitness club back then and was caught by him and his fling with a woman using the whirlpool after hours. When I asked him if I was fired he told me he would give me a raise. He was a man who approved womanizing. We started a business and I worked with him for a few years. He lived two separate lives and made my behavior that I have told you all about look like childsplay. My dad died when I was young so he was like my mentor. He taught me many good lessons in life that contributed to future sucess but taught me that cheating is what sucessful people do. He had a pregnant wife and was constantly out screwing someone else's wife telling me this was right. I was there to witness everything while being told by the only older guy I respected in life this is what you do. 
It filled my emptiness I guess. I still talk to him to this day. I often think about those days and wonder if he has changed. I haven't asked. I'm too afraid to. They have three kids now. Unlike my wife his wife was trusting and oblivious the entire time. My wife isn't trusting because she knows the game. She's been a cheater too and knows everything to look for. She once told me that she had cheated on every man she had ever been with back when we were dating. She grew up with a cheating father in the house setting the example. She saw how her mother spied on her father. 
I know it's horrible for you all to hear. It feels horrible to tell. I have a very hard time believing in people. Her infidelity forced me to stop and think about all I've done and wonder just what's wrong with us. Our children know nothing of any of this. I don't want history to repeat itself and add anymore screwed up people to this world. I am truly sorry for what I have done. I truly love my wife.


----------



## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

TROLL. Same writing style, similar back story, same attitude as other stories.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

ashamed74 said:


> I don't remember where I said that but I know for sure that I am through being a cheater. I feel horrible about who I have been.


It was this comment you made: 

_I won't be going back to being the man I was *anytime soon*_

And it caught my eye too when I read it.

I think it's totally unfair that you haven't told your wife what you've done yet she is dealing with everything she did to you. It's pretty fvcked up actually. She is carrying all the weight of thinking she's the only one who's done wrong and if she has a conscience, it's prob killing her inside. You are letting her have all that on her shoulders while you stay mum and gift her with "forgiveness" when in fact, you DID THE DIRT, too!!! 

Oh and your wife watched your every move and suspected you of cheating because...she was right. You seriously can't take issue with that, are you for real? She suspected because YOU WERE, in fact, CHEATING.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

rrrbbbttt said:


> TROLL. Same writing style, similar back story, same attitude as other stories.


exactly what I feared after the troll was exposed would happen

I think it's best to PM amp or another mod to investigate and not post in the thread if you suspect a troll. I'd hate to see people who need help get lynched unfairly.


----------



## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> It was this comment you made:
> 
> _I won't be going back to being the man I was *anytime soon*_
> 
> ...


That's what's killing me here. The fact that she knows I know what she did and she believes I did nothing. I really wish I told her the truth about me on d day so we could have put this stuff behind us together and have a fresh start with some honesty. I'm going to seek counseling and hopefully they can tell me how I make who I've been known. I can't live with all this. For years I could just leave it with the other identity but that is no longer an option because I want who I am to be genuine.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

ashamed74 said:


> That's what's killing me here. The fact that she knows I know what she did and she believes I did nothing.


Because you have not told her the truth. The only reason you feel anything is "killing you" is because you haven't OWNED what you did yet. And guilt is a major a$$hole. And it will continue for as long as you don't tell her. 



ashamed74 said:


> I really wish I told her the truth about me on d day so we could have put this stuff behind us together and have a fresh start with some honesty. .


It's never too late. Tell her today.



ashamed74 said:


> I can't live with all this. For years I could just leave it with the other identity but that is no longer an option because I want who I am to be genuine.


You will never be genuine and have a genuine marriage based on HONESTY until you tell her what you did. Again, let me state, it is SERIOUSLY fvcked up, IMO, that you are letting her go throughout her days thinking she is the only one who's done wrong. Her mind is prob heavy as hell right now all because you are making her tak ethe blame for
everything. It's so cold. Tell her. Rip it off like a Band-aid. You can do it!!!


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh and this thread is a perfect example for what I've always thought: 

A cheater never knows the excruciating pain that cheating causes until they get cheated on.


----------



## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

You regret not telling her on Dday. A week from now, you'll regret not telling her today. The sooner you reveal the truth the sooner healing can begin.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> You regret not telling her on Dday. A week from now, you'll regret not telling her today.


:lol: True. 

Reminds me of my father "I am starting my diet on Monday."

Monday arrives -- "I am starting my diet next Monday."

On & on & on.


----------



## NatashaYurino (Jan 2, 2012)

memyselfandi said:


> The thing is, women DO know when their husbands are fooling around. Call it female intuition for the most part, but there are soo many other ways a woman finds out. Some choose to confront their husbands although most of the time it does no good as they just get lied to anyway. Most of us just live in denial and put up with it because we love our husbands enough to have some of them, rather than none of them at all.


_WOW. What you just said blew my mind. I admire women who think like you. But not in a million years will I ever become the kind of woman who pretends she does not see what her husband does. I would rather not have my husband at all, than to have only the "leftovers" when he gets home from being with someone else. My father always said to my sisters and me, that he did not want us to grow up to be women who use sex and looks to get what they want, or to be controlling, but he also made pretty clear that he was not raising any of his girls to be doormats to any men out there. I know women can be horrible to men too. But I would never accept my husband being with other women and have him see it as normal. If that ever happens, I will just get my kids and my things and just leave his life. I'd rather be alone than to be with a man who lives his life like that._

PS.: No offense to the OP!


----------



## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

Well I've done it. Telling someone about something this bad isn't something a person just springs but the time came. She asked me and I could no longer hold out who I have been. Right now she's not talking to me. I can't say I've ever felt worse. I'm working out of town right now and think I may just forget about everything and head home. I don't know what I can do. All I know is that I will do the work, whatever it takes to fix this even if it takes a very long time. I'm completely through being a selfish man even if that means I pay the ultimate price. I wish I could be talking to her right now but she won't talk to me. I really hate me for who I've been. I feel some sense of relief on my side but can't imagine the utter pain she is in. Like you all said. She's realizing why at times she didn't have a husband. I don't know whats going to happen to me. I have to be able to function because my family is depending on me. I'm not much for living at the moment.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You confessed the whole thing? Why did she ask you again? The worst thing that can happen now is her going on revenge affairs when you are not around.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

KUDOS on telling your wife! Seriously, a major pat on the back for doing that. Now you know that you can both move forward (whether it's together or apart) with all the cards on the table.


----------



## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

ashamed74, as much as this hurts right now you know you've absolutely made the right decision. This is a monumental step you have taken. Find some strength within yourself in appreciation of the step you have taken here.

Whether or not things work out between you only time will tell, but the important thing is that you now have a clean slate to honesty if you are to start working through your issues together. You never could have worked through anything without the honesty, so you've now opened the door to opportunity.

You are both going to need time and hard work to make things heal. If you feel you need to get home to her and you can afford to do so then make it happen. Find as much opportunity to be with her and communicate your commitment to her going forward and the rest of your lives. She needs to know, but more importantly she needs to *feel* that you genuinely want to make things right.

Be strong, and do not think dark thoughts of "not living at the moment"... because you've accomplished something positive that you need to recognize for what it is. And your family and your life are worth fighting for.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

In her eyes, the whole marriage is nothing but a big lie. You have shaken her belief system to the core and possibly permanently damaged her. It will take professional counseling for her to emotionally heal from the ordeal she is going through. I'm not telling you this to intentionally hurt you but for you to have some understanding of the magnitude of your betrayals.

If she chooses to stay married to you, she does it with the understanding that, just like you, she relinquishes having another affair - EA or PA or EA/PA. If she can't abide by this then the two of you should proceed with a divorce. Just because a person was a betrayed spouse doesn't give him/her the right to have an affair of his/her own in kind IF he/she has made the decision to stay married.


----------



## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

I'm trying my best to talk to her. Who I've been and why isn't easy to explain. I will stay in the marriage even if that means her being pissed at me for years. I won't stay if this is only an excuse for her to go out and have another affair. I want a move forward with infidelity over on both sides. We've both done some deeds and as mentioned above we have nothing when the cards aren't on the table. She's disgusted with me and should be. I know this isn't something to heal quick. I'm still hurt myself by what she did so I can totally understand her feelings. I don't have the right to be pissed off by anything she says to me. I feel I deserve it. 

When your a cheater like me you are able to go to another place in your mind when you are feeling very bad feelings. I had some really sick things happen to me growing up. Things I just can't share with anyone. This was the place I went when these things were happening. I don't know how you get help for that. I'm prepared for the worst and in no way will I be fighting back. I know I'm a hypocrite. Part of me really hopes that she can somehow understand that I share so many of her feelings and lack of trust. I learned so much about her these past few months. Knowing we were very similar as people and needed to be open about what we both had done. I kept a part of me all my life secret from the people I loved because I believed if I did that I wouldn't be hurt. I need to just be calm and do the best I can to bear with it till I get through her anger and to the person she is. I know this is so hard for her. I was the one person she thought she could trust and she was so wrong about me. I felt the exact same way when I found out. I finally really vested myself into someone buying into them 100 percent and then I found out.


----------



## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

Earlier today I considered just mentally checking myself out. Instead I have spent my time talking to my horribly pissed off BW. Whatever happens here life will have to go on. Sure I have issues but so does everybody. I'm not sure if I should just expect the worst and visualize the single life or just hang in there and deal with it. I don't think the single life would be good for me. I have a high tendency to abuse drugs. I've always loved the bad stuff. The married life always kept me from self destruction. I just don't want to live through this uncertain mess I've created. I do feel better that she knows I'm guilty. I just don't know what to do. Right now I feel like just getting so high I feel nothing. I'm such a jerk I can't stand it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Instead of escaping from your problems through drugs, seek the services of a professional therapist to help you address and resolve the issues that have caused you to choose acts of destruction - affairs.


----------



## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

Things sound real bad. I think I'm just going to mentally start preparing for a divorce. I just don't see how we get through this. Truthfully I don't think my wife is much better than me. Just my thoughts at the moment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

At this point it's not about who is "worse" than who, it's only about whether you guys want to move past it all, together.

Regardless, I think you should seek counseling for yourself to work on some of your self-destructive tendencies. Your wife may even see this as a sign you really are committed to changing yourself and take some comfort in that. But you should do it for yourself regardless, even if you divorce. If you don't address your own problems you're going to repeat history down the road with another woman too.

You need to fix yourself... and take that concept very seriously.


----------



## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

Bottled Up said:


> At this point it's not about who is "worse" than who, it's only about whether you guys want to move past it all, together.
> 
> Regardless, I think you should seek counseling for yourself to work on some of your self-destructive tendencies. Your wife may even see this as a sign you really are committed to changing yourself and take some comfort in that. But you should do it for yourself regardless, even if you divorce. If you don't address your own problems you're going to repeat history down the road with another woman too.
> 
> You need to fix yourself... and take that concept very seriously.


Two days post d day and we are still here. I'm stopping myself from any blameshifting. I know I'm wrong her. She is still with me. We are going to watch our daughter play basketball. Mama loves watching and so do I. I think my chances of forgiveness are pretty good. I will continue to keep my cool no matter what. I have a feeling of true relief. Not to whether she's leaving but that I am acting in a genuine way. I'm grateful for her atleast giving me the chance to earn true trust. She deleted every female friend I have off facebook. I've agreed to 100 percent transparency. There will never be any secrets to hide. I want my wife and my family. No woman ever made me feel the way she does. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Ashamed,

That is a step in the right direction.

No drugs, no women unless its your wife.

In addition to Christ get a good IC for your issues. Get one for your wife too.

I hope you feel better being honest with your wife. Sh*t hurts don't it.

Dedicate your days to your marriage my man. That investment will pay dividends more than any $$$ you ever made in your life.

Move forward by walking in the light buddy and oh yeah, take your wife with you!!! 

HM64


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Bottled Up said:


> At this point it's not about who is "worse" than who, it's only about whether you guys want to move past it all, together.
> 
> Regardless, I think you should seek counseling for yourself to work on some of your self-destructive tendencies. Your wife may even see this as a sign you really are committed to changing yourself and take some comfort in that. But you should do it for yourself regardless, even if you divorce. If you don't address your own problems you're going to repeat history down the road with another woman too.
> 
> You need to fix yourself... and take that concept very seriously.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

You should read this over and over again until your eyes are burning red.

Both of you chose stupid and destructive ways to cope but *only you can only change yourself for the better, for your benefit nobody elses. Only then can your wife see that your changes are for real and not window dressing for her benefit.*


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

ashamed74 said:


> Earlier today I considered just mentally checking myself out. Instead I have spent my time talking to my horribly pissed off BW. Whatever happens here life will have to go on. Sure I have issues but so does everybody. I'm not sure if I should just expect the worst and visualize the single life or just hang in there and deal with it. I don't think the single life would be good for me. I have a high tendency to abuse drugs. I've always loved the bad stuff. The married life always kept me from self destruction. I just don't want to live through this uncertain mess I've created. I do feel better that she knows I'm guilty. I just don't know what to do. Right now I feel like just getting so high I feel nothing. I'm such a jerk I can't stand it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is similar to a thread that happened to be a troll. 

if it is the same person, he fixed the time lines but things progress at an unusually fast pace. 

Now he has substance abuse. Next thing you know someone will get their arm broken.

Hmm Moderaters what do you think?


----------



## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> This is similar to a thread that happened to be a troll.
> 
> if it is the same person, he fixed the time lines but things progress at an unusually fast pace.
> 
> ...


I'm not sure just who would waste their time posting something like this. I didn't come to this site for entertainment. I don't know what a troll is. Things are progressing to the point where I haven't lost my wife yet and I'm doing everything I can to accept all the blame. I've never lived an honest life. I came here for good advice and help with my problem. More men than you all know are living my life. Old habits die hard. I've spent the last three months feeling in limbo since her d day and wanting to come clean. I want to be a true believer and not a hypocrite. I haven't turned my atention away from my my wife since I accepted christ. I couldn't live with my lies of the past.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

What's really tough is how she says she can't believe it and always thought I'd never be that way. I hid things so well nobody would have ever thought.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

I do think she's taking it well. I don't think she has been an angel herself. Knowing what I've done and knowing what I caught her doing,80 or so text a day to other men, pics to many OM as far as three years back, I strongly believe she's been pretty bad herself. She was capable of being that way in times when we got along great and doing this while she had sex with me three or more times a week. My gut tells me she'S handling this right now because she knows she's no better, possibly worse. I could go into details of people and situations that may have been a possibility. I'm wondering what's possibly next. I'm not going to pry. I don't need to know the past. I'm just wondering why?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

ashamed74 said:


> What's really tough is how she says she can't believe it and always thought I'd never be that way. I hid things so well nobody would have ever thought.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's because you've been a great actor - worthy of an Oscar - starting from the time you were courting her and up to 9 years into the marriage.



> I do think she's taking it well. I don't think she has been an angel herself. Knowing what I've done and knowing what I caught her doing,80 or so text a day to other men, pics to many OM as far as three years back, I strongly believe she's been pretty bad herself. She was capable of being that way in times when we got along great and doing this while she had sex with me three or more times a week. My gut tells me she'S handling this right now because she knows she's no better, possibly worse. I could go into details of people and situations that may have been a possibility. I'm wondering what's possibly next. I'm not going to pry. I don't need to know the past. I'm just wondering why?


It wouldn't be surprising if she confesses to you that she has had sex with other men throughout the marriage. If that's the case then she may also be feeling like the karma bus has ran over her.


----------



## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

No matter what she confeses to I will not be bitter and be willing to work to make our marriage what it should have been all along. I'm not questioning anything. It is what it is and we both have made mistakes. I'm happy I haven't lost my family over my selfish ways. I never stopped and thought of the consequences I just believed what she didn't know wouldn't hurt her. I haven't known many men who didn't cheat. So many of the men I know would sleep with a hot woman if they had the chance. What makes me worse is I went out looking for the situation. Most men are not that bad. Its been easy avoiding the old situations. I just don't go looking and avoid getting personal with women other than my wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

morituri said:


> That's because you've been a great actor - worthy of an Oscar - starting from the time you were courting her and up to 9 years into the marriage.
> 
> 
> 
> It wouldn't be surprising if she confesses to you that she has had sex with other men throughout the marriage. If that's the case then she may also be feeling like the karma bus has ran over her.


I would bet she did have sex. Knowing how similar we are she may be bad as me. We had very similar childhoods and have many of the same insecurities. We are both in help and on the same meds. Us talking through things gives me the hope we can be fixed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

> I haven't known many men who didn't cheat. So many of the men I know would sleep with a hot woman if they had the chance. What makes me worse is I went out looking for the situation. Most men are not that bad. Its been easy avoiding the old situations. I just don't go looking and avoid getting personal with women other than my wife.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Many men who are morally weak tend to associate with others just like them. Cheating wives are the same. They have affair enabling girlfriends who are cheating on their boyfriends and husbands as well.

Without sounding holier than thou, there are many of us who will never define our manhood by the amount of women we sleep with. I sincerely hope that you become one of us.


----------



## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

morituri said:


> Many men who are morally weak tend to associate with others just like them. Cheating wives are the same. They have affair enabling girlfriends who are cheating on their boyfriends and husbands as well.
> 
> Without sounding holier than thou, there are many of us who will never define our manhood by the amount of women we sleep with. I sincerely hope that you become one of us.


I've been morally weak in the ways of infidelity but just about a shining star everywhere else. I manage 60 employees and none would ever believe who I've been. I've always been a loving guy. I treat my employees the way I would want to be treated. I've been a good father to my girls. I was doing most of the work when mama went wayward for her 3 or so years. She missed many good memories. I took them shopping for clothes and little girl stuff and coached their teams. My infidelity did not dominate my life but it was there. I started attending church for the benefit of my girls who knew nothing. A new pastor reached me one day. The year and a half before that I was missing the message. He took the time to meet with me. The day I accepted christ as my savior was as good as a contract. I had a lot happen to me after that most of all a true understanding of the fraud I'd been and an overwhelming desire to fix my marriage and pull me and my wife together. We were getting closer but unknown to me she was still cheating. That aspect really hurt me. Me finding out has been necessary so we can sort our issues. OM was never a factor just blip on the screen who never stood a chance against me just as OW was to her. I never gave any other woman my heart. I have a contract with god and will honor that as he knows. I will be an honest man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

