# It's taboo I know, but I'm really missing him and want him with me



## Peppy (Jan 2, 2015)

Hi everyone
I've been lurking, reading, finding comfort in others stories and wondering how it all went wrong for me and my xh. 
I never thought I'd use those words, I feel so heartbroken and lost.
Here's some background of us.
About three years ago, my husband dropped a bomb on me and our life. He deserted me and his stepchild, leaving us for another relationship.
We'd been having a tough patch as he struggled with his own insecurities of my relationship with my child from an old relationship I had. She was in her late teens, full of rebellion, attitude and resented him and having to share me. I was totally aware of these concerns before we married and voiced them to him, it wouldn't be long before she was off to college and we'd be alone together to share and love each other and to have sole time together.
I noticed just a few weeks of us moving in together that things were not good in his relationship with me or my teenager. He seemed jealous, angry, insecure, and he started behaving like Jekyll and Hyde. I became afraid of his angry outbursts and him using me as his emotional punchbag blaming everyone for his issues. 
I really wanted to understand his concerns and practiced listening carefully to see what his issues were. It always came back to the same complaints - things I couldn't help with as I couldn't change others behaviour, only my own.
I became a great listener, trying so so hard to help him understand that I had responsibilities as a parent to fulfil my obligations. I loved being a mum, I was good at it, and I enjoyed it. He wanted her out of the picture, in boarding school. I pursued this but because of her attitude they refused her application. Other suggestions he made meant me depriving her of basic needs which I wasn't prepared to do, I kept moving things along, quietly ensuring her needs and that his were met, and all the time suffering at the lack of my husbands content, or willingness to help us over the temporary hurdle.
I really miss him, I find it incredibly selfish of him to have pulled the rug from our world. 
We met recently after a long separation and my feelings for him haven't changed. I think about him every day, and feel so so sad that he left us so suddenly without explanation. There are people who've stuck together over much worse things in their relationship.
We had some mutual feelings of wanting to sleep together as we are still attracted to each other but I didn't feel comfortable with this. We flirted with each other, laughed together and I feel we were comfortable with each other, and have been sharing some short phonecall and text messages together. 
I was hoping, with time and healing that we would reconcile and start our marriage anew.
I know people say they are over their ex, I'm not. I love him. I would love him to come home.
Thank you for any insight
Peppy ;-)


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## Lost40 (Dec 27, 2014)

Peppy, I am so sorry - I am probably not in a position to be of much help right now, because I am still struggling like you. However - I wanted you to know - I've done the same thing. I've read many stories (and the advice given) here and try to force the thought into my head that it does get easier. It's been 5 months for me.

Your ex has been gone for 3 years? I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to handle that, I'm already at the end of my rope with this. Has it gotten any easier at all? Do you still keep in touch, see each other throughout these 3 years? I wonder if that is what makes it take longer? You are strong, I can tell, to be able to be patient this long. How long were you together?


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## Johnconrad (Dec 23, 2014)

One of the reasons 2nd marriages have such a low success rate is because of blended families/stepchildren.

Been there - done that.

Teenage girls are well-known for being difficult.

They want their dad. And, their stepfather ain't him.


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## Peppy (Jan 2, 2015)

Thanks for your reply lost 40.
It doesn't seem to me that 3 years have passed. I was in complete shock and under medical care for quite a while with my GP and the psychiatric services as I had PTSD, anxiety, depression and was suicidal up to fairly recently.
Yes, it has become easier to bear the hurt of his brutal actions, but I have scars on my soul that make it difficult for me to trust and to be open with people. Especially him.
I explicitly avoided any contact with him, I drove miles out of my way daily so I couldn't bump into him amd went totally NC. It helped that I had a safety order from the courts to prevent him harassing and intimidating me after he abandoned us.
I know my reactions were flight or flight, but when the person you love does something so contractidory, the Flintstones brain kicks in. 
We were together 9 years, we were madly in love and infatuated with each other. I know my husbands insecurities and issues, and my own. My life hasnt changed that much since he left me, I still have the same friends, interests and supports that I maintained before I was married. I have lots of friends, enjoy my life and work in supporting others through their difficulties and stories in a voluntary capacity and through my work.
I really worry about my exh wellbeing even though he appears to be getting on without me. 
Hang in there lost40. It's not over til it's over. 
There aren't many people I've met that I've enjoyed the intimacy of a relationship with. My exh and I met first 17 years ago and were in each others constant since then through friends etc
It's a bummer when the communication is skewed, but work on yours. I had to work on mine or be at loggerheads forever
Hugs
Peppy


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## Peppy (Jan 2, 2015)

Thank you JohnConrad for your input. We wish we'd known how difficult this was going to be before we married. We'd no idea how manipulative my daughter could be, nor my husband. Everyone's warts were on plain view for solving.
My exh blames our counsellors for not being able to help us. It breaks my heart that my husbands communication is blameful, still, when we've moved so beyond his initial concerns.
It seems to me that he took little responsibility for his personal triggers and issues.
I'm pretty stable emotionally, I thought.
But.
Wow.
My world has been rocked.
People are people, we all have issues.
It is unacceptable to me that a child should be made suffer for the sake of a relationship like mine.
When me and exh talked last week, I was so surprised he was still full of the same resentment as 5 years ago. He was still recounting the same stories
He told me he'd moved on, but doesn't seem to me that he has.
I really miss the block of time we've been apart
Thanks for reading 
X
Peppy


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## Gonna Make It (Dec 3, 2012)

Peppy,

As someone who has had to fight with depression and anxiety as well, I know that we have to think about if what we want is best for us. Some days I do not want to get out of bed, but I know that it is best for me to get out of bed. I understand you still have feelings for him, but is being with him a healthy thing? It does not sound like he has changed to me. Just something to think about.


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## Johnconrad (Dec 23, 2014)

Peppy said:


> Thank you JohnConrad for your input. We wish we'd known how difficult this was going to be before we married. We'd no idea how manipulative my daughter could be, nor my husband. Everyone's warts were on plain view for solving.
> My exh blames our counsellors for not being able to help us. It breaks my heart that my husbands communication is blameful, still, when we've moved so beyond his initial concerns.
> It seems to me that he took little responsibility for his personal triggers and issues.
> I'm pretty stable emotionally, I thought.
> ...


Peppy,

My wife and I were eventually able to put the stepdaughter issues aside.

But, we first had to decide we really wanted to be together. And, when I said "we", I meant each of us independently.

That's where you are.

I would advise living as awesomely as you possibly can - and focus on being attractive. See what happens.


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## Lost40 (Dec 27, 2014)

Peppy said:


> Thanks for your reply lost 40.
> It doesn't seem to me that 3 years have passed. I was in complete shock and under medical care for quite a while with my GP and the psychiatric services as I had PTSD, anxiety, depression and was suicidal up to fairly recently.
> Yes, it has become easier to bear the hurt of his brutal actions, but I have scars on my soul that make it difficult for me to trust and to be open with people. Especially him.
> I explicitly avoided any contact with him, I drove miles out of my way daily so I couldn't bump into him amd went totally NC. It helped that I had a safety order from the courts to prevent him harassing and intimidating me after he abandoned us.
> ...



Hi Peppy, Sorry its been awhile since I responded back, I feel bad even sitting here trying to offer you advice, because Lord knows - I'm in the same position, if not worse. But - I felt compelled to reach out - to you, and everyone else really, but I have to draw the line because I'm just not in the position to be helping when I am here asking for help myself (lol). The pain is horrific, I wish there was a magic wand - that just would make it disappear. I even asked my therapist, if hypnotherapy would help me (b/c he also does that) and he said No, that it wouldn't. It seems there should be something that would make it go faster.

Did your divorce cause your PTSD? I am starting to wonder, if that is what has happened to me. I also suffer from anxiety, and I did have this prior to the divorce - so I understand how that doesn't help matters. Of course, mine is very under control with medicine - but, of course - after the divorce happened - the medicine took a vacation, leaving me with a rude "You're on your own with this one!"

Well, best wishes - keep being strong! Let me know if you'd like to talk again.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Peppy...keep things in perspective, here. You never should have married that man in the first place. Your daughter's feelings about him should have been your priority. Then add to that that he didnt want HER...BAD IDEA!! It was over as it started. He isnt worth all of this angst and energy...he LEFT you. He didnt care about your daughter...THIS should be the thought always in the front of your mind. Our kids are our first priority...ALWAYS. 

Focus on your life NOW. Make it what you want it to be, you are the only one who can make you happy.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Is he still in a relationship with someone else? It doesn't sound like he's exactly changed if he still has the same resentments and is repeating stuff from five years ago. 

Your daughter isn't going to just disappear from your life forever so how would all of that work if he came back and wasn't happy with her again? 

Love doesn't, unfortunately, solve all problems. You can deeply love someone and still not be able to live with them. Many people love their ex for the rest of their lives but have to move on. 

Be very careful before you let him back in your life.


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## Peppy (Jan 2, 2015)

Hi gonnamakeit
Thank you for your thoughts -yes I have questioned whether being with him is good for me, or not.
I thought I knew him, but when we moved in together it was like living with a different person.
I don't think he knew how hard it was going to be living with a teenager. I certainly didn't know how our dynamic was going to be different once we were 3.
Though I do think some supports from therapists would have got us over the line, if they could have helped him voice his real concerns.
I don't blame him for his reactions, rather a lack of understanding on his part, both he and my daughter behaved like needy immature people.
The thing was, my daughter was a needy immature teenager.
He, on the other had, wasn't.
If you could focus on making yourself ready for the day gonnamakeit, it helps to get to the next day, and the next and the next. Every day, I bathed, put on my best face and most gorgeous clothes, and got on with it.
Hardly anyone knew my suffering.
Please mind yourself x


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## Peppy (Jan 2, 2015)

Hi JohnConrad!
Many thanks for your encouragement.
My daughter is hardly at home as she is in love ;-)
When my exh and I spent an evening together recently, our connection was that of a friend whom I hadn't seen in ages, it was like we picked up right where we'd left off. (I totally put aside my rejected and deserted wife feelings, and was impressed with myself that I could do this as I really wanted to hear him)
I live a fantastic life, lots of interests, friends and fabulous awesomeness!
Many thanks ;-)


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## Peppy (Jan 2, 2015)

Hello lost40
I couldnt not relpy to your message. I'm sorry you are going through a difficult time. It is the most awful place to find yourself in and I really feel for you. It's really important that you talk to people who support you And that you try to occupy yourself in things that you enjoy, it might be hard, but its what gets you through.
Take care
Peppy


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## Peppy (Jan 2, 2015)

Thanks 3xnocharm
I appreciate your frankness in your reply. 
My daughter liked me for herself and rejected anyone who tried to get close to me, whether it was my sister, brother, mother, father, friends. It was important to me to start creating boundaries that she had to respect. One of the decisions was to marry my husband, my daughter always came first, she knew this, he knew this. It's completely normal. A mother and daughter relationship vs a husband and wife relationship, are incomparable.
But my husband couldn't accept this due to his immaturity and jealousy along with his insecurity issues, it made things incredibly difficult. I never let my side down for my child and he didn't like this.
The fact that he chose to desert us is a demonstration of this, he cites that he was suicidal as the reasons for leaving.
I ams o so sad that he couldn't tell me this T the time as I knew something was off with him, and I'd been to see his GP to find out if there was something I could help him with
Best wishes
Peppy


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## Johnconrad (Dec 23, 2014)

Peppy,

Guys want ya'll to be our best friends.

Deprioritizing him due to manipulation from children is a huge huge issue.

I have no idea what happened, but it's sometimes difficult for a mom to see.


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## Peppy (Jan 2, 2015)

Hi opemminded
Thank you for taking the time to reply
He's not in a relationship with someone else, he made a point of telling me this last week, even though I told him I didn't care to know what he does in his private life (too painful to know for me, and I don't need to know)
It's very surprising to me to hear that he is still going over the old stuff, the same stuff I couldn't solve then, or now. 
If he'd moved on he'd be focusing on the good stuff, no? As I was. I must don't feel it's productive to rehash the old stories. There is a past we can't change, we can discuss it to solve how it could have been different; but surely drawing alone under things and moving forward is the better option.
This will be my year where things truly shift and move for me. Whether he's in my world or I in his, I cannot stay stuck like I was. I would wish the pain or suffering on my worst enemy
I wont be allowing him back into the house or my life that easily. It's been great to see him, and to chat and to hear his news and to offer some support to him as he had a recent family bereavement.
I know the damage he can cause, and the hurt he can inflict due to his issues, so Im looking in at a distance.
Thank you 
Take care
Peppy ;-)


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## Peppy (Jan 2, 2015)

Happy little Christmas everyone!
I've decided to focus on me, no more moping about him and hoping he will come back.
Maybe he will ,maybe he won't. It doesn't look like he will but he has his head in the sand and has initiated nothing since he left me.
I am working on my new beginnings, while I was in an emotional breakdown, I am certain that it has passed and that I am in a new emotional breakthrough.
At last!
I knew I felt different these last few weeks, as though the turmoil,was lifting and that I had reached a stage of acceptance.
A couple of things changed for me, the first one was that I learned from talking to my ex whom I hadn't spoken to for over two years, that he hasn't changed, at all.
He is still blameful, refusing to acknowledge his affair, and not being able to explain to me why he left me.
He told me 'I should have known' wtf!
The second thing is, he hasn't given me an answer as to why he used intimidation and bullying in our relationship as a way of 'communicating'
I am so happy that I've been working on areas I know I have weaknesses, especially my lack of assertiveness and my lack of boundaries.
I used to think people self regulated their emotions and behaviours. 
I thought all people were nice to each other. I know I can be soft and naive but it has caused me problems and I've been taken advantage of.
I'm still nice, generous and kind, and will continue to be with my stbxh - I stood up to him last week over a small issue.
And he apologised!
That's progress for me ........ and a big learning curve.
X 
Peppy


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Plus the hormone keeping you bonded is wearing out. You can look up oxytocin, and it is the bonding hormone for a reason. Also, the more work you put into yourself, the stronger your boundaries will be. You can be both kind, generous, and still be strong. Glad to see you recognize it. The stronger we are in our own sense of self, and keeping a level of individualism, will help keep us detach enough so we can leave a bad situation earlier. We sometimes lose a part of our identity into our partner. So when we lose them, we are losing a part of our self in our own eyes. That is because we have created an identity wrapped around them, so when we think about our self, sometimes we see it as a we. We lose the fact that people are their own separate entity and will act accordingly. Have you ever had that feeling I cannot live without that person? Something like that will make it harder to separate if the time ever comes. We place that idea in our head, and we reinforce it often that it does seem that way sometimes.


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## Peppy (Jan 2, 2015)

I like your perspective Mr fisty and thank you for replying, its certainly interesting about the hormones that keep us connected; it's to do with humans bonding for rearing their young etc, the primitive part of our brain. 
I was always independent and individual to my husband, I know I can live without him, that wasn't my issue when he left me.
I invested a huge amount in our relationship, financially and emotionally, I sold my home that I'd bought long before I met him( (I was nearly mortgage free) to move to a rural location where I was isolated from my family, friends and past life. 
There was no reason for me to live in that place, only for the life we were making together. 
Additionally, I am catholic, and his issues he had really had nothing to do with me personally. 
That's why it was so hard, and unbelievable tah he did something so shocking.
Best wishes
X
Peppy


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## Peppy (Jan 2, 2015)

Hello everyone
Thank your for all your support and inputs so far. In keeping my best and loveliest side facing outwards, in being patient and kind (except when I went bananas when he left me), the doors of communication opened after being triggered in the most bizarre way between us.
He's been in touch with me again inviting me to come visit and chat. I'm looking forward to our conversation and seeing him, I'm not going to rush to respond to the invite as I feel I'm in control at last.
It doesn't matter what his intentions are, if he has some, though I believe he has judging by the suggestive flirting.
My intention is to discuss the separation agreement. If he's not agreeable, then MC?
What do you lovely people think
X
Peppy


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Peppy said:


> Hello everyone
> Thank your for all your support and inputs so far. In keeping my best and loveliest side facing outwards, in being patient and kind (except when I went bananas when he left me), the doors of communication opened after being triggered in the most bizarre way between us.
> He's been in touch with me again inviting me to come visit and chat. I'm looking forward to our conversation and seeing him, I'm not going to rush to respond to the invite as I feel I'm in control at last.
> It doesn't matter what his intentions are, if he has some, though I believe he has judging by the suggestive flirting.
> ...


Stick with discussing the agreement and nothing more. Anything else is a waste of your time. If he isnt agreeable, then tell him your attorney will be in touch.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

He needs to work together with you on the emotional side of the relationship in order for it to work. If it is nothing but physical, he does not care about working on the issue, and only wants a warm body to use. Be neutral and matter of fact when talking to him. If he keeps avoiding the issues, he may not be relationship material. Love is not going to change that. As much as you love him, he does not possess the necessary components for a marriage to work. If that is the case, then your in a marriage of one, with only one holding up both ends.


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