# Name or Nothing??



## Not4U2Know (Dec 18, 2013)

Here's my short or not so short story...

We have been married for 16 years...we have had our fair share of good times and bad times...he is a sandbagger everything I have ever done he throws it in my face every chance he gets...especially when I mess up. He is very controlling and selfish at times. He is financially stable and makes life secure as possible for his family. He does not let go of anything and has accused me of having an affair many times through out the years. 

Lots of things have built up through the years that I hadn't let go either and one night we went out for a friends birthday. He left me at the bar to be home when our daughter got home from her date. I had one to many and ended up at an after party and later on I went to a male friends house. I don't remember all of the details of that evening which is very scary to me as it is. I do remember waking up in a strange house and in an unfamiliar bed. I don't recall all of the events that happened there either. I'm not taking the easy way out either I honestly don't.

I moved out a week after it happened; left it all except for some personal items, clothes, shoes and such on May 17, he filed for the Divorce and it was final on Oct. 1. Continuing our separate ways keeping in contact only where our son/daughter were concerned. He got to the point that he didn't want anything to do with me at all because it hurt to much. 

Then at the same time he started shutting me out...(I see that now as I type) I decided to move back closer because I missed my daughter/son terribly and I can't lie...him too. He didn't attend my families Thanksgiving and it felt really strange without him there, like a huge pink elephant in the room. I talked with my parents and made the decision to move in with them and talked to him and it turned out that he wanted to help me move back.

So... on Dec 1 he came to move me back. I haven't stayed a night yet at my parents house because I have been here with him and my daughter.... a little odd yet comfortable...because we are divorced. We have decided to work through this in hopes of reconciliation. I had a bad day yesterday and I am not sure we are doing the right thing. I love him dearly and I know I am the one who made the worst mistake ever and I have forgiven myself over the past few months. I can actually make love to him without the guilty tears flowing...believe me the first time after my one night stand was the most heartbreaking moment ever...I just cried and cried from the guilt of what I had done. 

Now that we are talking and going forward with our relationship he is stuck and very persistent on knowing all the details and who it was. I am a firm believer that (knowing my ex-hubby through our past experiences) the details or disclosing the person won't help a thing and may even cause him to close up completely...I will lose him forever and I will be back at my parents trying to figure out my own single life like a teenager again. 

I have accepted that I was unfaithful, I made the mistake, I have forgiven myself, I want to mend the relationship and move on. I know there will be rough times. I know I am not the only one at fault for the sad times in our marriage before the one night stand tho. I just don't know what to do. I can not live every day cussing and discussing the horrible details. He thinks I am protecting the other man but I am actually trying to protect him and try to save my marriage of 16 years. 

He has played over that evening a million times in his mind and has narrowed it down to 4 men of which it was possible he says. He has named them off and has stated the persons name many times saying, "If it was ____ ____ then our marriage is over."; (When he says this I want to say: NEWSFLASH we ARE divorced!) It's like he knows in his heart and mind who it was and wants me to say it, admit it or something...but yet we continue to work through diligently day by day on this very emotional relationship trying to hold on with saying I love you's, sweet texts, talking about our future, family dinners, watching movies, decorating Christmas tree, shopping and wrapping gifts and continuing life as a married couple with Divorce papers...it's crazy I know.

Can we get passed this? Shall I tell him who it was...give him the NAME or go to my grave with it and tell him NOTHING? This is how I came up with my User Name because I still feel that it is Not4U2Know who. It's not that I am trying to keep it a secret I don't want secrets between us...I want my ex-hubby, life, and marriage back....and this put behind us...without reopening the wound every other day for more pain.....if that is at all possible.

I know there is no magic button to push that will make it all go away....just want some opinions from those who may have been through a similar situation. It was not ongoing fling just a one night thing...but it still hurts just the same.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

sorry the only way is to be 100% honest with him. you have to tell him EVERYTHING. anything less is not an opiton if you want to work it out. if you dont tell him he cant forgive you and move on.


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## lostmyreligion (Oct 18, 2013)

A TAM member ('m hoping one of the veterans here can give the reference) wrote the letter below. It should give a pretty accurate idea of what your ex husband is feeling right now.Please read it.

_"I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened during that weekend, and everything that happened afterwards.

I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to "look" at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that she doesn't mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn't she know by now that I love her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I'm going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.

"You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you're carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the "STUFF" to figure out OUR reality. There isn't really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don't have.

"Now let's enter my reality. Let's both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is will affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever "feel" complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what's the difference, it's not important.

Then later when I'm expected to "understand" the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can't just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.

"So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don't you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe your actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.

"So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn't come from jealousy, it doesn't come from spitefulness, and it doesn't come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn't it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn't it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can't and the reason I can't is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world."_

In short *YES!!!!* You should tell him.


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

Not4U2Know said:


> Here's my short or not so short story...
> 
> We have been married for 16 years...we have had our fair share of good times and bad times...he is a sandbagger everything I have ever done he throws it in my face every chance he gets...especially when I mess up. He is very controlling and selfish at times. He is financially stable and makes life secure as possible for his family. He does not let go of anything and has accused me of having an affair many times through out the years.
> 
> ...


Then don't have them!

Until you go through it, you have no idea the turmoil going on in your ex's head. None. 

It seems that your ex wants to R, but naturally has his reservations. If this information is what he needs to put his mind at ease, either way, then you give it to him.

Stop with the "I'm protecting him" crap. No, you are not. You are protecting yourself and possibly the OM. Trust me when I tell you, as a BS, there is NOTHING MORE you can do to damage this other than continue to lie/withhold information/trickle truth. Can you see how by not divulging the OMs name, to your husband it can feel like you choosing the OM over him? Think about it - your exH needs this information for closure, whether it's to R or remain divorced. By you withholding that info, what you are saying is that it is more important to you to shield the OM from whatever consequences may arise than to give your exH closure. So basically a double punch to the gut. And while YOU may not see it that way, that is probably how it is being interpreted. I also think it is very selfish of you. When you say you have "forgiven yourself... want to move on", it suddenly becomes all about you. Again. You dropped a bomb on his life and you seem annoyed that he hasn't "moved on". Wow. Yeah, and Hiroshima was rebuilt in a week.

I wish WS's would get it through their skulls - it's the BETRAYAL that messes it all up. Yes, the sexual and emotional component hurts like a mother, but it's the LYING and DECEIVING that is the worst!

You want to "fix" this? Give him what he wants. It's not up to you to decide what is right for him.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Not4U2Know said:


> Here's my short or not so short story...
> 
> We have been married for 16 years...we have had our fair share of good times and bad times...he is a sandbagger everything I have ever done he throws it in my face every chance he gets...especially when I mess up. He is very controlling and selfish at times. He is financially stable and makes life secure as possible for his family. He does not let go of anything and has accused me of having an affair many times through out the years.
> 
> ...


you are 100% wrong and to him it seems like you are protecting the om. I would leave you at your parents. Be honest or he will never respect you ever again.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

Not4U2Know said:


> I have forgiven myself, I want to mend the relationship and move on.


Sorry, it's not about you now. You lost that right when you went to another man's bed. It's not over until your husband forgives you. And the first step is to give him ALL of the details. Don't lie, don't hide. ALL OF IT. Own it. That is my best advice for you.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

I would say just get out on your own and start your life on your own. You want too much for everything to be for and about you. I think you owe him some closure in this. Instead I can see that you are not going to give it to him. 

You are set in your mind and ways as to how you are going to do things so just get out and keep it that way. This is my opinion and how I see it, as I feel that you are afraid that more will come out if he knows the name (you can't even admit that you had an A, you have used the words fling, ONS, can't remember what happened, and it took almost the entire post before it came out that you actually were physical with someone else). When you originally described the situation that led to the D, you eluded to an A, but never really owned it, and still aren't. Yes you may not remember everything, but you remember enough and aren't even willing to give that information out.

We get you are ashamed, but it is your cross to bear, and if you are not willing to share things with this man you say you so long for and desire, then move on and bear it yourself and continue on with your selfish ways, as he deserves better. My $0.02.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

The real question you have to ask yourself do you really want this relationship to work with your xH. Do you want to spend your life with him. If you do then yes you have to tell him everything and I mean everything. 

If you don't then just walk away. 

Here is something someone wrote on this site some time back and I read it over and over again because it just makes sense.

Here it is: 

I know this post is not going to sit well with most WS here but in my opinion there seems to be a lot of difficulty understanding the pain the BS goes through after an affair is discovered. I know the WS is dealing with a lot of intense emotions such as guilt, shame, remorse, regret. But there seems to be a definite disconnect that I thought I'd address. While I am not the most intelligent or articulate person here on TAM I thought I’d try to describe the way my wife and I have come to understand the difference and how we related it to each other.

A person who has an affair does indeed have to deal with a lot of pain in the aftermath. They have to reevaluate their own identity and who they really are and their willingness to cause so much suffering to their loved ones. The statements “it’s just not in me to cheat” and “I could never do that” are in direct conflict with their actions. They have to come to the painful conclusion that they indeed are not the absolute good person they thought they were. They have to realize that there was something in them that allowed them to be selfish and cruel to the person or people they most cherished. And the scariest part is that they have to realize that since they’ve done it once they can do it again. Those self examinations are extremely difficult but necessary if the WS wants to become the person they always thought they already were and hope to actually become.

Here is where it gets hard for as much difficulty the WS has to go through they truly cannot comprehend the pain and anguish the BS has to endure. I want you to understand and remember two words. These are two very important words and it will help you to understand what your spouse is probably feeling even if they can’t express it. When they discovered your affair…YOU DIED! Let me say it again…YOU DIED! The person that your husband/wife married is gone forever. Think about a time when you lost someone really close to you. A father, mother, sister, brother, son, daughter, or spouse. Think of the grief that you had to deal with. That is the same grief that your spouse has to deal with each and every day. Every day that they wake up after D-Day you die again and they feel it again and it's just as intense. The feelings of loneliness, hopelessness, yes…anger (why did you leave me?) Can you even imagine the pain that he/she is going through? Probably not. Because you are the one that had died and they are the one that is left to pick up the pieces of a shattered life that was taken from. They are the ones that are left to deal with the loss of a loved one.

But here is the sick part. You are still here; but you aren’t! You are a doppelganger, a clone, an evil twin. You are the one that killed your spouse’s cherished love. You took the love of his/her life away forever violently and without mercy. You stabbed them, mutilated them, burned them and ultimately buried them. You are the monster that has torn up a family. You are the monster that has committed such a senseless heinous act. You are a murderer! And here's the part that most WS miss. You were aware of your actions. You stalked your husband/wife's spouse. You planned how to do it. You conspired with another murderer (the OM/OW) and you finally struck without warning and without honor. The BS was left in shock and dismay watching their cherished lover, friend, partner, confidant bleed to death in the street. They felt hopeless and helpless as the person they loved most in the world was taken from them. Their world...you...died that day.

And you want the grieving person to forgive you. Love you. Stay with you. Think about that for a minute. You, the pod person, the evil clone, the look alike murderer that destroyed the one person in life that your spouse cherished beyond all time and space want the sorrow filled, grief stricken, angry and injured beyond belief person to LOVE YOU? They had this involuntarily inflicted upon them. They had no choice. Only pain. And now you want them to choose to love you. Can you imagine going up to the person that murdered your loved one and choosing to love them?

Now you have a little glimpse into the psyche of your betrayed spouse. You also know why I always tell people that the old marriage is dead and the couple must learn to love each other as new…if they can. It is also why I recommend the betrayed spouse read “Just Let Them Go” even if they want to reconcile. Because you truly have to let the cheating spouse go in order to learn to hopefully love the new version of your husband/wife. It’s hard and it’s painful and it can only be done if the WS does everything to make the BS fall in love with them again.


I hope this helps you understand some of what he is going through. 

Clay


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

lostmyreligion said:


> A TAM member ('m hoping one of the veterans here can give the reference) wrote the letter below. It should give a pretty accurate idea of what your ex husband is feeling right now.Please read it.
> 
> _"I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened during that weekend, and everything that happened afterwards.
> 
> ...



That is a version of what is referred to as Joseph's letter. Google it and you will find the original, which is very much the same as this with a few differences.


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## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

You were married and married People have the obligation to protect the marriage and each other. Sleeping with other people disrespects the marriage and the union. I am curious as to why you think it's not for him to know?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostmyreligion (Oct 18, 2013)

Thank-you Squeakr.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Not4U2Know said:


> Here's my short or not so short story...
> 
> We have been married for 16 years...we have had our fair share of good times and bad times...he is a sandbagger everything I have ever done he throws it in my face every chance he gets...especially when I mess up. He is very controlling and selfish at times. He is financially stable and makes life secure as possible for his family. He does not let go of anything and has accused me of having an affair many times through out the years.
> 
> ...


Not4u,

Couple things stand out to me. 

First...a TRULY remorseful wayward spouse will have/do the following (plus more)
1. Be 100% transparent and honest
2. not blameshift the affair
3. Take full responsibility of the affair
4. Understand that the Betrayed spouse isn't on a "schedule" to heal. Usually healing (as in being at a place where you can completely forgive is 2-5 years....but don't think your BS will EVER forget)
5. Be extra sympathetic, empathetic and patient

Now lets look at you.
1. You start with stating your BH's faults...so you can cross number 2 off the list above
2. You won't give details. so cross number 1 off the list
3. Every moment you take responsibility you also attribute something else that absolves some of that...cross number 3 off the list
4. You're "healed" after a couple months....REALLY?!?! Wow, you're have like Wolverine level healing (comic reference) I know BS's are in therapy for years and WS's are as well. And yet, you've healed yourself without external help in just a couple months. You mean you've rugswept the affair but haven't really addressed the problems that caused you to cheat in the first place.
5. I don't hear a lot of sympathy for your ex.

Here's what I see. A woman who "made a mistake" and lost her cushy lifestyle and had her comfortable world taken away...because of HER own actions....and she wants her OLD life back.

Sorry but even if you and your BH work through this, your old life is dead.

You say he's controlling.....what do you think will happen now that you HAVE had an affair and are protecting you and the OM at the expense of your BH's feelings?


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

are you not wanting to tell your husband the name because the other guy is married? or because you (that night) are the one that initiated the cheating and if your husband knows the guy and the guy was all dude i was at the bar dunk your wife came up to me before i knew what happened boom we were at my place and she was like jenna jamison.?


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

I am taking from your post that you want to save your marriage. As someone who is married and respects the institution and all that it brings to married couples and their families, I think that is to be commended. From your initial post, it seems you and maybe your husband have some fairly casual attitudes about getting drunk and falling into someone else's bed. Is this the first instance of extramarital sex in your 16 year marriage or is there some context to round this out? For me, it would be pretty much a show stopper for my wife to say "yeah, I got drunk and slept with some dude, get over it."


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I can't believe you still want to keep this secret and yet expect to start a new marriage with the same man.

Granted he may keep his word and disolve this relationship...but then again why stay in this in the hopes of started something new when you still have someting old hanging over it.

The way I see it, sooner or later this thing is going to calapse anyway so why not get this monkey off your back?

You can't change the past but you can change the future so put it all on the table and let the chips fall so the both of you can move on with or with this relationship.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Betrayed spouses who lose their significant other's fidelity to "friends" will likely find it hard to stay anywhere near whomever it was that serviced the cheater. Every time he is around the "group" he will be wondering just what that "look" he is getting from one or more of them might be all about.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Please, if you ever cared for your ex H, give him all the details.

write him a timeline, give him ever detail. 

Give him the name, did you use protection, if not, have you been tested for stds, etc.

This will consume him every day for the rest of his life.

Give him some closure,and tell him. Did you tell the OM that he was better than your ex H? Tell him that.

Why would you be so selfish to cheat and then make him have the mind games consume his every moment awake and haunt him in his dreams?

How would you feel if he cheated?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Not4U2Know said:


> So... on Dec 1 he came to move me back. I haven't stayed a night yet at my parents house because I have been here with him and my daughter.... a little odd yet comfortable...because we are divorced. *We have decided to work through this in hopes of reconciliation. * I had a bad day yesterday and I am not sure we are doing the right thing. I love him dearly and I know I am the one who made the worst mistake ever and I have forgiven myself over the past few months. I can actually make love to him without the guilty tears flowing...believe me the first time after my one night stand was the most heartbreaking moment ever...I just cried and cried from the guilt of what I had done.
> .
> .
> .
> ...



He can only truly reconcile if he knows what he's reconciling with. 

Since you wont tell him the whole truth, he'll always have gaps that he'll explore. This tendency to explore and question your ONS will always be in his head. Eventually when he gets tired of it, he'll close up anyways, yes?

I think the best solution is to tell him everything he wants to know. Deal with it now. Completely own your ONS. If you do, it makes it easier for him and you to move forward.


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## Stronger-now (Oct 31, 2013)

Not4U2Know said:


> Here's my short or not so short story...
> 
> We have been married for 16 years...we have had our fair share of good times and bad times...he is a sandbagger everything I have ever done he throws it in my face every chance he gets...especially when I mess up. He is very controlling and selfish at times. He is financially stable and makes life secure as possible for his family. He does not let go of anything and has accused me of having an affair many times through out the years.
> 
> ...


If you don't want to move back with your parents like a teenager, don't act like one. You have teenage daughters, you cannot be in your early twenties. After party? Really?? Respect for your husband who didn't want to put up with another teenager in a mature woman's body. 

I doubt that you are trying to protect the OM (if it was really just a ONS), but you are protecting yourself. You don't want your ex husband to kick you out again. Keep withholding the name he asked for, sooner or later he will get fed up and kick you out again anyway.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Not4U2Know said:


> Now that we are talking and going forward with our relationship he is stuck and very persistent on knowing all the details and who it was. *I am a firm believer that (knowing my ex-hubby through our past experiences) the details or disclosing the person won't help a thing and may even cause him to close up completely...*I will lose him forever and I will be back at my parents trying to figure out my own single life like a teenager again..


And there's the problem. As gently as I can... Your actions ended the marriage. He is trying to decide if he wants you back. You do not get to decide what he needs or doesn't. 

In his mind, you are protecting some other guy choosing him over your ex-husband. You are choosing to avoid your own fear of the unknown rather than allowing your ex-husband into those fears. You made that choice once before and it cost you your marriage. 

If you do not tell, then you are most assuredly saying there are things your husband can not know about you. Secrets, omissions, and lies. "What else are you hiding?" will keep him distant. "You are untrustworthy" will define his perception of your character.. You can't build on that. He must know, that even though it is going to be scary as hell for you, you will make that leap of faith for him. It won't be easy, or even pleasant. But it must be done so he can believe in you again.


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

I wonder how many times op husband heard " oh don't worry honey me and om are just friends"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

This one won't be back. Sure hope her H realizes she slept with his buddy and sends her back to mommy and daddy.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

> Now that we are talking and going forward with our relationship he is stuck and very persistent on knowing all the details and who it was. I am a firm believer that (knowing my ex-hubby through our past experiences) the details or disclosing the person won't help a thing and may even cause him to close up completely...I will lose him forever and I will be back at my parents trying to figure out my own single life like a teenager again.
> 
> I have accepted that I was unfaithful, I made the mistake, I have forgiven myself, I want to mend the relationship and move on. I know there will be rough times. I know I am not the only one at fault for the sad times in our marriage before the one night stand tho. I just don't know what to do. I can not live every day cussing and discussing the horrible details. He thinks I am protecting the other man but I am actually trying to protect him and try to save my marriage of 16 years.


He is not "stuck." He is traumatized and grieving. Perfectly NORMAL reactions. You may be a "firm believer" that disclosing the name won't help, but you're wrong - it will help HIM. It may or may not help you and your chances of reconciliation, but that's beside the point. YOU made the unilateral choice to cheat. Now he's in the driver's seat: you may want reconciliation, but HE gets the unilateral choice about yea or nay on that one. Maybe you will lose him forever, maybe not. That's up to HIM.

And you are deluding yourself if you think you are trying to protect him. This is a common lie unfaithful spouses tell themselves. You are protecting YOU. Secrets like this are a form of controlling. YOU control a selective release of the facts, YOU control the narrative - robbing him of the full and complete truth. Why should YOU get that control and leave him to wonder which guy this is? And any problems that existed in the marriage prior to your infidelity are a COMPLETELY SEPARATE issue. There is no cause and effect - those problems did not cause you to cheat. Lots of people have marriage problems and they DON'T cheat - and some people have very good marriages, and they cheat too.

Reconciliation is VERY difficult, and healing does require discussing details. Professionals who work with couples dealing with infidelity advise caution about sex details, because once a betrayed spouse hears those they can't be "unheard" - though you claim you can't remember much.

I recommend the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's a short, easy read. You have a lot to learn. At some point, professional help would provide a safe place for the very difficult discussions that are necessary for his healing, but that's IF he wants to try to work it out. Working through this without professional guidance is REALLY hard. And without the unfaithful spouse's willingness to be open, honest, and transparent, it's virtually impossible.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Why would you torture him by withholding information he is asking for? If you really want to R you will help him to heal and that means putting on your big girl britches and answering the tough questions.

Do it sooner rather than later as you may run our of chances to tell him. You are selfishly protecting yourself, your treasured memory of the affair and the wonderful OM, at least that's how I'd see it if I were in his shoes.

I am also perplexed by your story. You start off bashing him?? Seems a bit off if you really want to R. If he's that bad, why do you miss him? He doesn't sound that bad to me. He went home to parenting duty and you stayed to party hard. 

Not trying to be mean. Just providing something to think about.
WD


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I was in a double betrayal and I can't imagine sitting around drink a beer, shaking this guy hand and patting him on the back...not knowing he screwed my wife.

Thank god my FWW told me.

How cruel are you?


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## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

I think her spouse should change his name to not 4 u to have anymore. Just a suggestion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

What does that long sad story have to do with your cheating?

You got drunk and slept with someone else. Sounds like it could have happened if you had the happiest marriage in the world.

In one part of your post you seem to state that you honestly don't know who it was who you slept with, then at the end you ask if you should tell him who it was? As a matter of fact, you only initially talk about waking up in a strange house and unfamiliar bed, you don't even mention cheating.

So do you know who you slept with or don't you?

If you do know who it was, was it with one of the deal-breaker guys? I'm guessing it was.

But if you know and it was with one of them, why not just post that instead of making us all guess and give half-assed advice?

What kind of advice do you think you're going to get if you post fuzzy details?

Yeah, you made a good case for keeping it to yourself. Your ex-husband is a jerk and doesn't deserve to know, or he wants to know but it will ruin your reconciliation, and he might leave you over it, so it's best for you to keep it secret. Secrets are really good for a relationship.

How about this advice - do what's best for you and disregard what's best for him. Or else, you decide what's best for him, he thinks he wants to know who it was, but you know better that withholding the info is good for him. Do it for his own good. Treat him like a child, and don't tell him the truth. So he can go around and have everyone else in town know who you slept with, but he won't know. (Do you think Mr. Nice Guy you slept with isn't going to eventually brag about it to someone, somewhere down the line?)

Giving you the benefit of the doubt for the moment, think it over and see if you can see it from a different viewpoint.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I wonder if the OM slipped her roofy?

Even when blacked out you can remember bits and pieces of the night before..at least in my case.

I think OP either blocks it out or was drugged.

I feel so sorry for this poor BH now he has to walk around town not knowing who he can trust and copounded with the fact that OM sure as hell bragged about scoring with BH wife.

He doesn't even get a chance to defriend OM and his friends.

Please take the knife out of your husbands back and let him know who he can and can't trust.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

yeah_right said:


> Sorry, it's not about you now. You lost that right when you went to another man's bed. It's not over until your husband forgives you. And the first step is to give him ALL of the details. Don't lie, don't hide. ALL OF IT. Own it. That is my best advice for you.


Your not considering that he is the one that needs to heal first

Tell him everything

Thats what *HE* needs


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I wonder who saw you leave the after party with the OM?

Someone is going to let it out...it may as well be you.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I can't believe OP's BH didn't dig up the Om back in May when this all went down?

Or did you go to an after party with a bunch of strangers? No wonder you got roofied!

Its sad that some one at this bar saw a perfect score and you fell into it hook line a sinker.





My FWW was always going to these "after parties" and in some cases the guy would tell my wife he had a female roomate or girls would be there and when ever she would get to these "after parties" nine time out of ten they were the only ones there (her and some guy she picked up)...

Inviting a lonely house wife to an after party is a good why to score...especially when there is no after party and a wife is alone scared and with out a ride...sometimes its just better to give it up then have it taken.

after party = lets go screw 


**********disclaimer***********

this is just my experience and in no why am I generalizing ONS's


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Not4U2Know said:


> Now that we are talking and going forward with our relationship *he is stuck and very persistent on knowing all the details and who it was. * I am a firm believer that (knowing my ex-hubby through our past experiences) the details or disclosing the person won't help a thing and may even cause him to close up completely...I will lose him forever and I will be back at my parents trying to figure out my own single life like a teenager again.
> 
> I have accepted that I was unfaithful, I made the mistake, I have forgiven myself, I want to mend the relationship and move on. I know there will be rough times. I know I am not the only one at fault for the sad times in our marriage before the one night stand tho. I just don't know what to do.* I can not live every day cussing and discussing the horrible details. He thinks I am protecting the other man* but I am actually trying to protect him and try to save my marriage of 16 years.
> 
> ...


all the symptoms that your XH is experimenting are normal for betrayed husbands, please read this:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

the first to pages will tell you what to expect from your husband.

there are nomally two kind of persons (when talking about recovering from a betrayal) the ones that want to know all the details in the sexual encounter and the ones that is enough to know number of encounters and lenght of the affair, but definetly all want to know who was the OM.

as long as you retain the information he is asking you, your reconcilation will not be sucessful, he will keep playing the questions about who he was and scenarios in his head, ans he will associate you hinding this information with two things:

- you want to protect OM.
- you maybe have more to hide.


once you finally release the name he will keep questioning you and lashing at you but if you really want to save your marriage you will have to endure it and help him to heal, little by Little (once he have all the information) this questions and the lashes will slow down and finally dissapear, but the road will not be easy.

I also adivice to visit this thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/52974-reconciliation.html

there many couples that are trying or have reconciled gather in there, you can ask them questions and methods to have a successful reconciliation.

your case are normally the ones a think have a greater chance of accomplish reconcilation, but you need to do the next actions:

- total honesty (telling your husband OM's name)
- No coantact of any type with OM 
- full transparency (where are you, what are you doing, Acces to passwords from phone, email, FB, skype).

I wish you good luck.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

If you want someone to forgive you, they have to know what they are forgiving.

Op, let's say you do work it out with your husband, get remarried and then reconciled WITHOUT telling him the details he is asking for. Then while things have settled and are going well - he finds out. Do you know what that will do to your relationship then? It will reopen the wounds and put you back on the same footing you are on today.

We have a term here called "trickle truthing". It's when the Cheating spouse slowly leaks out information - always leading the Betrayed spouse to believe they know it all now and start to forgive. Then just when the BS starts to forgive and move on, the CS tells some more or are caught in a lie and then confess some more about the cheating. This is devastating and like rediscovering the affair again and again. The healing can't begin until your husband has what he needs from you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> I have accepted that I was unfaithful, I made the mistake, I have forgiven myself


For what have you forgiven yourself?

How did you do this?


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

I would use the fact you moved out so quickly to your advantage. You felt so guilty about what you had done that you couldn’t stand to look at him. 

You didn’t fully realize how important your marriage was to you until you lost it. You never expected that he would let you back into his life and it was one of the happiest days of your life when he did.

Your husband paid a price for your one night stand. It makes it easier for him to move on if you did too. You are no longer his wife. 

Is the OM married? I think it would help your husband if the OM suffered a little. If he’s exposed, all three of you will have taken a hit. 

It really irks the husband if some ****wad gets what is most precious to him with little effort and no repercussions.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

I suspect he will not put up with your protecting the OM much longer, I would proceed with caution if I were you.

You still withhold the info.. and bam! One day he's gone, moved out..

..you're trying mindlessly to learn the name of his new girlfriend. What she looks like. What they're doing in bed. What's so special about her that he thinks you don't possess.

You'll wonder why he gave what was supposed be yours to someone else on such short notice.. how he could forget you so easily 

See? :rofl:


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Not4U2Know said:


> I moved out a week after it happened


 You cheating on your husband did not just happen to you. 



Not4U2Know said:


> I have forgiven myself, I want to mend the relationship and move on.


 That is what you want. It does not seem that what your husband wants matters much to you. Talk about having no remorse or empathy for husband.



Not4U2Know said:


> I can not live every day cussing and discussing the horrible details.


 What details? You have not even told your poor husband who the other man is. You husband is not asking you to tell him everyday who the other man is. I am sure telling one time will be enough.



Not4U2Know said:


> He has played over that evening a million times in his mind and has narrowed it down to 4 men of which it was possible he says.


 Not knowing is eating your husband alive, and you just sit there and watch him suffer. Your husband does not want to know, but as a man he needs to know who this other man is. What is eating him is that he met this other man with you. He drank with this other man. This other man knew that you were your husband’s woman. Yet with all of this, the other man took you for his own for the night, knowing that as he got to have you warm his bed that night, your husband slept alone. There are many men out there that enjoy taking another man’s woman, especially if they got to see the husband that very night. It makes them enjoy every act of sex that they did that night that much more. When they see your husband, they laugh a little bit inside at your husband’s expense. Your husband wants to know who is laughing at him. Right now every time your husband sees any of these 4 guys, he feels humiliated as a man. Worse yet, if he confronts any of them and he is wrong, he would be admitting that you did not respect him enough to even tell who the other man was, and would be humiliating himself to a person that may not have know about the affair.



Not4U2Know said:


> Shall I tell him who it was...give him the NAME or go to my grave with it and tell him NOTHING?


 You get to know, the other man gets to know, but you keep this secret from your husband between you and the other man? On what planet does that make sense?



Not4U2Know said:


> I want my ex-hubby, life, and marriage back....and this put behind us...without reopening the wound every other day for more pain.....if that is at all possible.


 Based on the fact that your ex-husband asked for you to move back, had you told him the other man’s name up front and shown more remorse by giving your husband what he needed to heal, chance are he would not have gone through with the divorce. But instead, it has been all about you in your mind, with you wanting reconciliation but only on your terms. How has that worked out for you so far? Insanity is often defined as doing the same thing over again and expecting different results. Try something different. Try listening to your husband when he tells you what he needs to heal.


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## tainted (Aug 16, 2013)

Not4U2Know said:


> * I have forgiven myself *
> 
> I have accepted that I was unfaithful, I made the mistake, *I have forgiven myself, I want to mend the relationship and move on. *


I hate hearing that. It sounds like rug sweeping to me everytime. Its good that you forgave yourself but it doesn't seem like your exhusband has.
I'm not saying you have to live the rest of your life in misery and guilt but you're suppose to be working his forgiveness.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

I notice you're not commenting on the posts on this thread, at least not since your original one. I'm guessing the members here are not giving you what you want to hear, so you're going to ignore their advice. Wake up, little lady. These folks have been through all this in their personal lives and they KNOW what's at stake. Please, for the sake of your marriage, don't keep your man on tenderhooks for the rest of your time together, which may not be as long as you think if you don't be forthcoming with the information he obviously desperately needs. If you're really serious about making this new relationship work, approach this as a team. Secrets are damaging beyond belief. I'm not sure, of course, but if the situation were reversed I don't think you could put up with being kept in the dark about something as the AP's identity. I know you say you're not protecting the OM but, honestly, it SURE looks like that's exactly what you're doing. Protecting your husband???? :scratchhead: DON'T THINK SO!


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

OP,

You ARE protecting the POSOM...saying you are withholding details to protect your exH is bs, and a typical action of a WS who truly doesn't get what they have done to their betrayed spouse.

I also notice that you can't help but tie your A into the state of your M pre-A. 

Why?

Are you still believing at some level that this is partly his fault?

You seem to think that working through the s****y thing you have done is pointless, as it will just return you to the old M. 

It is obvious you simply want to rugsweep your betrayal.

I hate to break this to you, but your old M is dead and buried (officially as it is).

You two are trying to build a new relationship.

How is that gonna work if you are still lying and hiding information from him?

Either get on board with fixing this or leave him alone and move on.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Not4U2Know

So you love your Ex but you will continue to let him torture himself over who it was????

Is that love?

You fear he will be done with you so you are actually in fear of your relationship being over? Ah. He divorced you. It is over.

Stop the drama.

Be a big girl and tell him. Stop with the I don't knowssss. Those lies are what kill the marriage or future relationship more than the sex.

If you truly love him then tell him. Comfort him. And make it up to him for the rest of your life if he lets you.

And next time leave the bar and go home with your man!

HM


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

There are very few things that eat away at one's soul quite like finding out that the "friend" you just had dinner and drinks with knew about your spouse's infidelity before you did and hid it from you. 

One of those things that is worse, however, is finding out that the way the "friend" knows about your spouse's infidelity is because he or she was the other party to it. 

But worse even than that, is having to wonder if every [email protected] person in your social circle was the one, or one of the ones.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You are not concerned the information won't help him. You are concerned the information won't help you!
You are a very selfish person. You were selfish when your husband went home to take care of your daughter and you decided to let another man blow his load in you, have you been checked for STDs have you been checked? You have shown nothing but selfishness in your post. 

If you can find it in your heart to start caring for your husband, then send him here!
Have him post and tell his side of the story.
He will get great advice about what is good for him.
I do not believe that you give two sh!TS about your husband.
If you want to prove me wrong, have him post here!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Not4U2Know (Dec 18, 2013)

WoWzer, what an emotional trip...that I can only thank myself for!! I have probably said too much or not enough on some areas. Advice from total strangers is a HUGE eye opener. 

You are right… I AM scared as H-E-Double toothpicks!!! I am going to grow a backbone, put my big girl panties on, face the giant, grab the bull by its horns, or whatever you want to call it, and tackle the biggest event of my life TONIGHT!! 

I have not responded because I actually don’t know what to say… except… Thank YOU! I should be reaching out to him and discussing all this with him…instead of here in this forum.

Thanks again!


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Not4U2Know said:


> WoWzer, what an emotional trip...that I can only thank myself for!! I have probably said too much or not enough on some areas. Advice from total strangers is a HUGE eye opener.
> 
> You are right… I AM scared as H-E-Double toothpicks!!! I am going to grow a backbone, put my big girl panties on, face the giant, grab the bull by its horns, or whatever you want to call it, and tackle the biggest event of my life TONIGHT!!
> 
> ...


You can discuss it here anytime you want. You can vent here and safely discuss your fears.

But we will always tell you the truth without any sugar coating.

Good Luck tonight, take the lumps and if he lets you hold onto him tonight like you never did before.

HM


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Awsome....your back!

Ya we're a buch of srangers and some can't spell worth a damb but we have been thru " one of the bigest events of our lives"...if not he biggest!!!!!!!!!!!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

So what your game plan?

Are you going just spit it out or are you going to work your way up to it?


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## Not4U2Know (Dec 18, 2013)

I am just going to start from the beginning...when he left to go home to our daughter...I don't know if I was slipped a "roofie" but I do know I consumed way to much alcohol that night!!! I honestly just remember bits and pieces of the evening. It's not an excuse to withhold details either...I'm not proud... it is the truth.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

If you feel its possible you were drugged you need to contact the authorities. If you feel you just made a mistake then own it. 

You still need to tell your xH who it is if you want your relationship with him to work. 

Clay


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

Clay2013 said:


> If you feel its possible you were drugged you need to contact the authorities. If you feel you just made a mistake then own it.


Yes, if you REALLY believe you were drugged, you need to take more action. Because that is rape in my book and whoever did it needs to go to prison. But if you know it's really just too much alcohol and weak boundaries, confess. Honesty will gain you so many points with the BS. Trust me on this.

We don't know you and have nothing to gain. Most of us offer advice to help others avoid the pain and mis-communication we all went through. Good luck!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sounds good.

Make sure your old man is in a good place so make sure you feed him first, and keep him away from the booze.

My old lady wrote it down it help keep it straight. Sorry to say, in my case Mrs. the-guy's time line wasn"t in hours...it was in years..13 to be exact.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

One more thing, make sure you have some water and tissue cuz your throat will start to get trie and you will be balling your eyes out.

Maybe when you get the box of tissue or roll of toilet paper and your old man asks you about it you can start out with "What I'm about to tell you is going to make us both cry"


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Hold on
Hold on to yourself
for this is gonna hurt like hell

sarah mclaughlin


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Ok, you’ve made a tough choice... it is scary as hell to open up like that. 

Some things to remember: He’s going to be upset, don’t be shocked by that or become defensive. He may call you names. You will have to sit there and take it, remember that it’s his pain and hurt talking. At some point down the road, it will hopefully fade. Some go into shock and sit there like a zombie. It takes awhile to seep in. Also remember he will do a ton of filling in the blanks for things not said or latch onto specific things reaching his own conclusions. That why it is crucial you dump out every single little detail you know or were thinking (or not thinking about). The more he knows, the less he will feel it’s yet another lie where he must figure it out.

And just talk. Tell him every little thing you can remember. Tell him what you were thinking. Tell him how you think about it now after reflection. Talk him through what you are going through. And own it. 

When it comes to the specifics of sex, you might question him on that. Once he knows, he can’t un-know it later. That means he will have to live with those images. But if he insist, do it. I’d still recommend though that he really think about for a day. Be willing to tell; just know a lot of betrayed spouses regret pushing for those details beyond the basics. Luckily, I did not ask my WW those specifics because I had been talking to and reading things from other BS’s who did. I don’t think I can take that pain...


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## Not4U2Know (Dec 18, 2013)

As I’m gearing up for this evening…making sure there is a stock of tissue and bottled water. Writing it down seems like a good idea. But not sure of how many details as far as the intimate parts....any suggestions on that?

The talk has begun….sooner than I thought!! We actually have the evening to ourselves tonight. Our Daughter is going to the state play-off game. Here is part of our conversation.

Him: “Just you and me tonight…what should we do? Want a date night…Movie? Also would like some ideas of what you might like for Christmas.”

Me: “Actually we need to talk I have been avoiding it long enough…I am scared …but I know it is a have to in order to heal, forgive, and continue with our life together.…I can’t even begin to ask you for a gift… you’ve already done plenty…”.

Him: “We will make it! I need to get it out. I’m 90% sure I know who it is. It hasn’t kept us apart this far. I will make my feelings clearer tonight. To help you understand me…you will have to hear me out…”

Me: “I’m sure you will tell me all about it…I’ll listen and hear you out. I know this is going to be hard…I’m just thankful we are making progress!!”

I will own it!!!! 

Thanks again!


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Not4U2Know said:


> As I’m gearing up for this evening…making sure there is a stock of tissue and bottled water. Writing it down seems like a good idea. But not sure of how many details as far as the intimate parts....any suggestions on that?
> 
> The talk has begun….sooner than I thought!! We actually have the evening to ourselves tonight. Our Daughter is going to the state play-off game. Here is part of our conversation.
> 
> ...


This is great. This will help you both heal and move on. 

Just take things slow and keep calm. 

Hes going to get upset but how you respond will be everything. Keep calm and give him love and comfort. 

Clay


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Not4U2Know said:


> Him: “We will make it! I need to get it out. I’m 90% sure I know who it is. It hasn’t kept us apart this far. I will make my feelings clearer tonight. To help you understand me…you will have to hear me out…”
> 
> Me: “I’m sure you will tell me all about it…I’ll listen and hear you out. I know this is going to be hard…I’m just thankful we are making progress!!”
> 
> I will own it!!!!


 Your husband's initial comments are very encouraging. This is a complete 180 by you from your first post, thank God. You are finally on the right track. I beleive that you have a real shot. 

It is going to be hard, but you need to tell him everything. If he needs to hear the details of the sex tell him, but do not volunteer that you enjoyed it unless he asks. Even if he asks, do not definitively tell him that the other man was bigger or better, just tell him that it was different. You also need to really listen to your husband. Since he has had so much time to think on this without all of the information, be prepared to hear some conclusions that he has reached that are not true; be sure to correct him with the true facts, but be very gentle in how you do this no matter how crazy what he says sounds. It is important that he see you really listening and hearing him. It is important that you not hold back your feelings, him seeing you cry is a good thing as he needs to see the remorse. Do not expect this to be over in one night. Tell him that he can bring this up as often and as long as he needs. Finally, tell him that you are sorry that you did not do more to help him heal sooner, and that you will do anything to make it up to him. Tell him that they say that it takes 3 to 5 years for most people to mostly heal over something like this, and that you are in it for the full duration. Handled properly by you, he will bring it up less and less over time until he hardly brings it up at all.

I hope that it goes well for you tonight. Good luck and be well.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

It is better to give every last detail you can remember.

Read about trickle truth here. When something comes up later that was not mentioned, it puts the BS back to the beginning.

Write everything that you can remember.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Gotta say I am pleasantly surprised. After your first post, I did not think you were very remorseful and it sounded like you were not owning it.

Couple of things.
How much have you been around the wonderful man that helped you destroy your family?
You are going to have to write a NC letter, and you and your H are going to have to rearrange your social lives because that POS already defiled one of the most precious things in your H's life and he has no business with you or your family ever again.

What was his attitude the morning after? Have you had any discussions with OM about what happened?

Just some thoughts.

Hopefully you realize he is no friend of yours or your family after what he did.
Take care.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

I agree on the details and level needed might not always be the same for everyone. I would have everything ready (written down and prepared if necessary so nothing is forgotten), and when it comes to discussing those details ask him what he needs to know to heal. Don't just tell him what you think he needs or wants to know, as it might be viewed as trickle truthing or avoidance when the truth does come out later. If he needs to know it all then give all he needs to him. Just remind him that things can't be unheard or unseen, but in reality his mind movies may be worse than the truth and it will be a relief for him to find out things aren't as bad as he imagined.

Good luck. I wish my WW were as open to things as you are appearing to be right now.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

This is encouraging. 

It's going to be hard. He may say terrible things to you tonight, call you names, curse you, etc. He might also say he needs time away from you or can't look at you. Absorb his pain and don't get defensive. He needs to process everything.

DO NOT TRICKLE TRUTH! You have been given a gift of a possible second chance. Do not hide anything tonight. No matter how much it hurts, or makes you feel like sh!t...be honest! 

And remember, you are on your husband's team, not the OM's team. Do not try to cover up for the OM.

I wish you the very best of luck tonight.

And for the love of God, please do not tell him you have forgiven yourself or that he needs to get over it!!!!


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Hold on to each other and don't let go. If there are tears, share them. I wish you both many years of happiness together. Love each other like there's no tomorrow! I don't think there's a chance in the world that he'll want to lose you again. Be good to each other. God bless you both!!!!! :smthumbup:


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Not4U2Know said:


> As I’m gearing up for this evening…making sure there is a stock of tissue and bottled water. Writing it down seems like a good idea. But not sure of how many details as far as the intimate parts....any suggestions on that?
> 
> The talk has begun….sooner than I thought!! We actually have the evening to ourselves tonight. Our Daughter is going to the state play-off game. Here is part of our conversation.
> 
> ...


Not4U.

Your husband seems VERY open to R regardless of who it is. BUT be prepared for him to lose it. He could be saying the 90% thing to prep himself for the worst, but when confirmation comes...his reaction might be different.

This is in NO WAY saying not to tell him. You need to, but you need to be there for HIM tonight. Remember, as hurt as you feel, you're BH is 100000 times worse. He's going to go through MANY stages.

Also be prepared for having 3 weeks or 2 months of bliss and then he'll turn AWFUL one day. That's a moment he's triggering, you need to be there for him then too.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Give him a time line not a play by play.

Take it slow and it may be shorter then you think so be prepared to make adjustment.

Some guys want to know the time line some guys can't and don't want the play by play...but if he asks then be honest.

Be prepared for these questions;

Who (which is the main point but if it goes furthur)
Are you still in contact
How many times
How many guys
Was protection used
Did he ejaculate in your mouth
Did his friends watch



Sure thes question are hard to deal with but hopefully it doesn't go down that road...just prepare your self.

Something tells me just having the guy name will be enough for him and the both of you don't have to deal with the great pain of addressing the play by play.

Hopefully your old man has seen enough porn to know what went on and enough months have gone by for him to be past the play by play.

I think a solid time line of how the event evolved to this bad choice will be enough...just be prepared cuz your 1st reaction to answering to giving this guy a BJ will be to defend your self and lie.

Maybe I'm off base and the play by play was already talked about. I'm assuming when you confess back in MAy that you just told him you didn't remember.

If my assumtion is correct then be prepared for the tough, shameful , and humiliating questions.

Again some guys don't want the play by play just be prepared thats all.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Don't forget to feed him 1st LOL

And that was a good call to warm him up about this evenings talk.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

How can he be 90%?
Out of the 4 guys he suspects...doesn't that make him 25% sure who it is?

Ya I'm jerk

What can I say I'm just the-guy with the cheating wife.

Way back when and he told you he suspected 4guy and one of them was OM what did you think?


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

No trickle truth. Period. No lies to uncover later. Be brutally honest (brutal to YOU) and be loving and paitne and undersatnding with him. 

You are getting a second chance, but you can blow it with even a tiny lie or lying by omission. 

Best of luck, God bless.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

thummper said:


> I notice you're not commenting on the posts on this thread, at least not since your original one. I'm guessing the members here are not giving you what you want to hear


This is what I thought too.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ya would be a bad time to lie...especially if your old man finds a way to verify what you are about to tell him.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sandfly said:


> This is what I thought too.


As long as she can protect her husband from befriending a POS that slept with her ....then who gives a phuck?


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

the guy said:


> As long as she can protect her husband from befriending a POS that slept with her ....then who gives a phuck?


I have no idea what you are talking about. 

The OP disappeared for a while, and then it was just two pages of posts from other people. Another poster suggested it was because she didn't like the advice. I agreed. I had just come from reading a thread by Philly-something, and he disappeared too. Probably because he didn't like the advice. Is that OK with you?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sandfly said:


> I have no idea what you are talking about.
> 
> The OP disappeared for a while, and then it was just two pages of posts from other people. Another poster suggested it was because she didn't like the advice. I agreed. I had just come from reading a thread by Philly-something, and he disappeared too. Probably because he didn't like the advice. Is that OK with you?


:rofl::rofl::rofl:

Who knows why I get so jacked up sometimes

I'm good

Thanks for calling me out:smthumbup:


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

the guy said:


> :rofl::rofl::rofl:
> 
> Who knows why I get so jacked up sometimes
> 
> ...


No probs. I like the advice you are offering on the thread, by the way.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I shouldn't be responing to other folks replies.
They have every right to their own opinions and advice just like I do.

But its so hard when thay are wrong Just messing with Sanfly

After all OP has listened and is doing the right thing...we all can agree to that.:smthumbup:


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Hopefully I don't start a huge thread jack.....


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Let us know how it goes, OP. We're still here to help, regardless of how the conversation goes, how hard it is, or even how good it turns out.


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## Not4U2Know (Dec 18, 2013)

Me not commenting… because “it is not what I want to hear”…is not the issue here. I didn't come here for empathy. If it is rude of me to not answer each and every one then I’m sorry. 

I have read each one of your posts (several times). Y'all have truly helped me to come to an understand of what he and I may be/will be going through. I needed to see what others had to say because I have been so self-absorbed these past 6 months to see what I have done. 

Believe me...this is my first and only affair rodeo that I will be attending. If I knew all the answers and what to do...I wouldn’t be here. 

I appreciate all of the comments. This is a lot to absorb and put into action. I have my answer to my "Name or Nothing" question…now it is my turn to man up and help us heal from my mistake!

Thanks for the encouragement and advice!


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

the guy said:


> I shouldn't be responing to other folks replies.
> They have every right to their own opinions and advice just like I do.
> 
> But its so hard when thay are wrong Just messing with Sanfly
> ...


Oh yeah, I just hope she didn't feel we were attacking her, but rather her initial funny thinking about what constituted honesty.

Like, leaving out details when the other person wants them.

But I can also see she didn't want further problems, for things to blow up between her husband and the mystery man.

Women often think that omissions and white lies are 'good' if they 'protect' people. But this is how folks end up on American Idol humiliated. Coz mom told them they were wonderful singers for a quiet life.

However, not naming him would be 'rug-sweeping', when, to start over afresh, a spring-clean is needed.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

OP All you can offer him is the truth no more no less

If your memory fails you then tell him what you think could have happened. Thats a tough tight rope sorry

55


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Not4U2Know said:


> Now that we are talking and going forward with our relationship he is stuck and very persistent on knowing all the details and who it was. I am a firm believer that (knowing my ex-hubby through our past experiences) the details or disclosing the person won't help a thing and may even cause him to close up completely


You believe that because you are the one that cheated.

I would agree that dirty details don't help. That is our BS way of getting the WS to face the music I think.

But the one detail you owe him is WHO it was you had your ONS with.





> ...I will lose him forever and I will be back at my parents trying to figure out my own single life like a teenager again.


That's just the chance you are going to have to take because you owe him answers.




> I have accepted that I was unfaithful, I made the mistake, I have forgiven myself, I want to mend the relationship and move on. I know there will be rough times. I know I am not the only one at fault for the sad times in our marriage before the one night stand tho.


Don't even. Yes the health of the marriage takes two. But once you throw cheating in there, you have put a really big pile of shyte on top of things.

You may have forgiven yourself, but your H deserves answers.




> I just don't know what to do. I can not live every day cussing and discussing the horrible details. He thinks I am protecting the other man but I am actually trying to protect him and try to save my marriage of 16 years.


I believe you are protecting the OM. For starters, if you two can get past this, then you shouldn't be around this male "friend" any longer. He needs to know who it is so he isn't unknowingly played for a fool at social functions for one thing.




> He has played over that evening a million times in his mind and has narrowed it down to 4 men of which it was possible he says. He has named them off and has stated the persons name many times saying, "If it was ____ ____ then our marriage is over."; (When he says this I want to say: NEWSFLASH we ARE divorced!)


Newsflash, you don't get to be defensive when you aren't being honest with him.





> Can we get passed this?


Not if you aren't going to respect him and give him the answer he deserves.




> Shall I tell him who it was...give him the NAME


Yes, and never be around this man again. No more friends there, you f'd that up.




> This is how I came up with my User Name because I still feel that it is Not4U2Know who.


Then don't tell him, and do him a favor....move out and stay divorced, if you think its not for him to know....which is a load of shyte.

EDIT: ok, just read your other posts where you will be telling him the truth. He deserves that and good luck. Sounds like he will probably be pissed, but now might be able to move on if he knows who. And you do know this friendship with the OM is over, right?


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## Thinkitthrough (Sep 5, 2012)

Not completely sure what exactly your husband knows, but it doesn't take a lot of though to conclude that to have that ONS you must have had sex and there for a male partner. He has it narrowed down to four, one of whom is your POSOM. As he will no doubt see these men or hear that they are on business trips with you he will feel impotent, your feelings out weigh his needs. He will despise them and then hate them, and since you remain in contact with them ultimately he will feel the same about. You may come home to find your clothes and belongings on the front lawn. I may be an alarmist, but I have seen Stanger things. Is your marriage and your life worth the name of the man who used you and may well yet destroy your family?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

She is no longer married.

Business trip ??????

Is it me?

What are we missing Thinkitthrough?

OP please up date!


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

I very much respect that you are not using being drunk as an excuse with your husband. However, you might want to use that to make the OM’s life more difficult. 

My son is in the military and there is a big push nowadays to go after sexual assault. Many men are having their military carriers ended for having sex (even just feeling up) a drunk woman. 

I realize that it’s too late to prove that he slipped you something or press charges but I would at least bluff that you plan to. 

He’s in your social circle and you describe him as a friend. I assume that he knows your entire family. You say that you are responsible for your actions, well he is too. He took advantage of the situation and caused you to get a divorce. He’s a home wrecker by definition and should at least pay a social price with your group. 

Has he said anything or apologized to you for his actions and their consequences?


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## Not4U2Know (Dec 18, 2013)

As we were leaving the house I got to his truck and had forgotten my bag. He went back into the house and got it and asked, “What’s in this bag that is so important?” I told him, “It’s bottled water and tissue, we will be thankful we have it later!” 

We went to dinner, he didn’t want to eat but I told him he may need the energy for later…we laughed…he ate! We drove through the Christmas Lights, tuned in to Christmas music channel and I asked him to drive extremely slow….we enjoyed our sssslllloooowwww tour.

I felt like this could be our last date ever. I was so nervous inside but I was calm, cool and collected on the outside. He was the perfect gentleman and nervous as well.

He parked in a secluded area in the park, turned down the music and started the conversation, telling me of what he had been through emotionally, physically, and spirituality. As he was talking he would ask me questions. I listened and responded accordingly even to the tough questions. When he got to the point of asking who, he just asked, “Am I right in my thinking that it was ___ ___?” I told him “Yes.” We talked about that person for a bit. I told him…I have had no contact of any nature before and after that night and that I immediately unfriended him on Facebook the morning after. Me sharing that helped him a lot by easing his prior thoughts. The not knowing is what was killing him slowly. I can’t believe I was so selfish not telling him in the first place. 

We both feel that there is a reason why it took 6 months for us to have this very detailed, emotional, factual, and truthful talk. We have both had time to work through some major emotions. He was more understanding, calm, no yelling, no cussing at me or name calling. It was a complete different scenario than I had in my mind. Yes; I know it could trigger again, but I am the one who has to help him control that with my actions. 

We came home after picking up our daughter. (We won state by the way!!!!) We ended up having the most wonderful intimate time together and slept very well in each other’s arms. I know without a doubt this man LOVES ME!!! I am so blessed and thankful! Words cannot express how I am feeling.

I want to thank every one of you for your comments and advice again. I couldn’t and wouldn’t have done this on my own. I am keeping my login name which I will change the meaning to Not4U2Know ....who I am! :O) Ha ha ha!!

Best wishes and keep on sharing your great advice!!

Kelly


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

You did a very good thing. You are helping him heal in ways most of us never really get the chance to. I am glad things went very well for you and I wish you both the best in your continued success. 

Clay


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## Not4U2Know (Dec 18, 2013)

Oh silly me...one very important fact I forgot to tell y'all!!! Yes, we are divorced (since October 1) our marriage of 16 years is over except for our memories. We are going to continue to build up our relationship for a happier life together...hopefully someday he will ask me to become his wife again! I can't wait till that day comes but until then I will give him only the best of me!! :O)

Kelly


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

Not4U2Know said:


> Oh silly me...one very important fact I forgot to tell y'all!!! Yes, we are divorced (since October 1) our marriage of 16 years is over except for our memories. We are going to continue to build up our relationship for a happier life together...hopefully someday he will ask me to become his wife again! I can't wait till that day comes but until then I will give him only the best of me!! :O)
> 
> Kelly


Kelly?... is that you? 

Good to hear, keep it up. Honesty is undervalued.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

I'm happy for you. But here's a warning from a BS who's been there. Wait for him to ponder things a little longer; this isn't over yet. The questions and mind movies will come. You will need to continue to be open and honest. God knows had my fWW done that, things would've worked out a LOT better in my head and heart. So please do that for this man you love. He needs it.


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

Not4U2Know said:


> As we were leaving the house I got to his truck and had forgotten my bag. He went back into the house and got it and asked, “What’s in this bag that is so important?” I told him, “It’s bottled water and tissue, we will be thankful we have it later!”
> 
> We went to dinner, he didn’t want to eat but I told him he may need the energy for later…we laughed…he ate! We drove through the Christmas Lights, tuned in to Christmas music channel and I asked him to drive extremely slow….we enjoyed our sssslllloooowwww tour.
> 
> ...


You have NO idea how much putting all the puzzle pieces helps a BS, and I hope other WSs read this and learn!

I cannot stress that YOU ARE NOT PROTECTING YOUR BS WHEN YOU LIE! That ship has sailed! 

As I stated in another post, its the LYING and BETRAYAL that is the worst in infidelity. To compound that with either more lies or omissions, for whatever reason, is like cheating all over again. 

I really believe if more WSs would just lay it all out there, we would have more instances of R. I really do. Full confession does two things and it does it for both parties.
*For the BS* - it provides a complete picture, it provides closure, it provides peace. It means no more going crazy trying to fill in the blanks - and the imagination can conjure up some pretty wicked scenarios!
*For the WS* - it is an unburdening on ones conscience, it means no more having to remember what lies you told and creating more lies to cover the lies you told, it is a stark-cold wakeup call - when a WS keeps lying, I feel that they are not just lying to their BS, but to themselves, in a way a continual justification for what they did. Being totally honest with the BS means being totally honest with themselves. It means having to take a good, hard look at what you've done. *No filter.*
Anything less than 100% disclosure is like trying to heal a wound by just stitching together and not removing the debris and diseased tissue. It won't heal and eventually will get infected, and like all infections, they tend to travel to other areas of the body, not just where the wound is.

I am so glad that you gave your BS full disclosure.

Please don't mistake that you are out of the woods yet. You will have good days, and you will have crappy days. If you're serious about R (because you don't have to be - you are divorced), then get ready for the roller-coaster ride, and DON'T get pissy about it! YOU set this ride in motion. If you don't want to ride it, then be honest and walk away. If you do - strap in!

Hoping it goes well for you!


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## Not4U2Know (Dec 18, 2013)

Oh...I know I am not out of the woods. I can still see the edge of the forest tho! I will become a lumberjack, strap on my gear, gather equipment and harvest them woods when/if I have to with Love, Compassion, Care, Truth, Integrity, Patience, Kindness, Honesty, Hope, Support, Respect, Communication, Faith, and Prayer! :O)


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Sandfly said:


> Kelly?... is that you?
> 
> Good to hear, keep it up. Honesty is undervalued.


The Truth Will Always Be


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

just got it 55 said:


> The Truth Will Always Be


So long as we have vested interests, the truth which does not serve those interests will take second place to them.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Damn, Not4u, I'm not overly sentimental, but your posts brought tears to my eyes!  I haven't come across anything so uplifting since I've been reading threads on this site. A good love story is always a joy to read, and yours is indeed terrific and inspiring. If anyone didn't get a lump in his/her throat reading this, there's something wrong with 'em. Your loving man's got a real prize in you and you in him. Keep working on this together. Wonderful times to come!!!!! :smthumbup:


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Not4U2Know said:


> Oh...I know I am not out of the woods. I can still see the edge of the forest tho! I will become a lumberjack, strap on my gear, gather equipment and harvest them woods when/if I have to with Love, Compassion, Care, Truth, Integrity, Patience, Kindness, Honesty, Hope, Support, Respect, Communication, Faith, and Prayer! :O)


Also the fact that your H knew who it was means you have shown interest in the OM in the past, that means you are taking what sounded like a possible roofie night to a night you had been waiting to happen, your H knew it, so it was not just the one night, you have been inappropriate in the past with this man, at minimum in accepting his attention and flirting with him, so be more aware of the boundaries needed, especially for those that have the moral compass to be cheaters.
I wish you luck in becoming a worthy partner to someone.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Sandfly said:


> So long as we have vested interests, the truth which does not serve those interests will take second place to them.


But the fact remains


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Not4U2Know said:


> Oh...I know I am not out of the woods. I can still see the edge of the forest tho! I will become a lumberjack, strap on my gear, gather equipment and harvest them woods when/if I have to with Love, Compassion, Care, Truth, Integrity, Patience, Kindness, Honesty, Hope, Support, Respect, Communication, Faith, and Prayer! :O)


Kelly:

I have not read all the posts in this thread, but I have read each one of your 8. here's what I'm struggling with - 

You consider the sex act with the guy in question consensual I assume, since you have not referred to it as otherwise. But do you remember consenting to sex with him?? Or remember parts of it?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I thinks it time to "consider" the future and what you plan on changing rather then "consider" what happend in the past.

So the question should be what are you and your "ex husband" going to do to strengthen this...for lack of a better term...the "marriage"?

May I recommend no more leaving each other alone in a bar?:lol:

Seriously you guys need to also look at the past marriage and learn from the mistakes made by both of you.

I'm not saying sweep this all under the carpet, but both you guys need to look way back befor the ONS and adress the issues that got you there and learn from them.

I also suggest your get the tools from a pro so go see an IC and a MC.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Kelly who?


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

aug said:


> Kelly who?


The OP called herself Kelly in previous post.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

Not4U2Know said:


> Oh...I know I am not out of the woods. I can still see the edge of the forest tho! I will become a lumberjack, strap on my gear, gather equipment and harvest them woods when/if I have to with Love, Compassion, Care, Truth, Integrity, Patience, Kindness, Honesty, Hope, Support, Respect, Communication, Faith, and Prayer! :O)


Kelly,

Great job! From your first post, I was concerned as there was a lot of blame shifting. You take advise and criticism very well. That is a rare gift.

One thing you need is some IC to figure out why in first place. Drinking never makes you do what you do not want to do but makes it easier to do what you know you should not.

Focus as much as you can on the future. There is a reconciliation thread in CWI that can help you.


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## Singledude21 (Feb 21, 2013)

This is the kind of R I like to see, and kinda ties in with that other thread about Divorce before Reconcile. If someone made a mistake but truly believe that you are their true love, they won't just give up after a divorce, especially if kids are involved. Good job OP for still fighting for a relationship and glad to see progress is being made.


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