# Divorce Sucks!



## thurm09 (Feb 11, 2012)

Well here is my story. My wife and I are both in the military and she went to Korea for a year and I came back stateside. Half way through her tour she came back and said, "I Love you, but not in love with you!" I resorted to drink daily and arguing with her on skype. She came back to the states and I found pictures and emails. She felt like she was missing out on life. She moved out 3 months later (Feb 11). I asked her what I did wrong and she said it was my temper. I went to anger managment and have recently my counselor said I have it under control for the most part. We never addressed Korea and what she wrote in the emails. So after a year she said we were both miserable so she was done. 

We filed for divorce on 9 Jan 12 and I just found out the divorce paper work was rejected. My wife deploys 18 Feb 12 for 6 months so it buys me a little time to try working things out before we redo the paperwork. Who knows I have faith and have truly change and hopefully being away from the pary life will help her realize what she has. If not there goes my 16 years of marriage.


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## thurm09 (Feb 11, 2012)

The emails
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Hey Red,

Just wondering how things are going for you! Have a good Turkeyday holiday? How’s life in the “real world”. Every time I see Rost it’s “Kunsan’s not real…Kunsan’s not real”. We all miss you back here at the Kun. Take care and stay in touch.

Fighter Pilot Extraordinaire, 
Shack 
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Well, Herro Fighter Pilot Extraordinaire (haha!),

Great to hear from you! Things have not been well since I returned (not surprising given the circumstances). I arrived here on Monday afternoon and things quickly became heated about 3 hours later. In fact, I appreciate you telling me to leave the house immediately if I felt threatened...really hoped it wasn't going to come to that, but he flipped out (I haven't even officially said the divorce word...he wouldn't give me a chance) and started throwing furniture and breaking things. I got my shoes, purse, keys and was outta there! Needless to say, I'm fine physically, but had to live w/ friends of my family for the first 4 nights. I'm back at the house now, but living in one of the spare bedrooms. Both of our leadership is involved to a certain extent now because of his antics on Monday. In fact (and please keep this to yourself), he is now seeking mental health treatment. Given this fact, I'm not sure how to proceed or what to do...so confused and feel like an ******* all at the same time. Plus, he keeps trying to contact ppl at/from Kunsan (Vegas, Honey, Blue, etc.) to see what I was up to during my tour, etc. I swear he's out to ruin my career/have me dishonorably discharged if he can. He's really crazy right now. So, I'm just waiting it out for now...hoping he'll settle down, but something tells me he won't. I'll keep you posted.

Other than that, I went and hung out w/ some of the Charleston CGOs for Thanksgiving. They are a fun bunch and kinda remind me of Kunsan. One of the Lt's that I work with rents a beautiful house in a gated community w/ a guard...back of the house is on a lake, plus there's a pool. It's awesome and apparently the party house for the CGOs. Can't wait to hang out w/ them more often.

So, enough of my nonsense/drama. How was your Thanksgiving? How's everything with the fam? Good I hope. I bet Savannah is so much bigger than the last time you saw her. When are you outta the Kun?

I miss you guys too. I think, at least for me, things were so much easier at Kunsan and I really miss the simple life right now. And it's so true..."Kunsan's not real...Kunsan's not real". It almost seems like a dream at this point.

Bye for now and thanks again for the e-mail,
Red
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Red,

So sorry to hear about the crazyness going on. You always knew it wouldn’t be easy or fun…just worth it. I’m just really glad you did get out of the house when you did. It doesn’t take but 35 seconds or less to get your keys, into your car and out of any bad situation, remember this. Also I completely agree with someone else in a neutral place (leadership) knowing what is going on…keep telling your boss or JAG these things…protect yourself. Please remember that no matter how confused you are or how much you feel like an *******, your physical safety comes absolutely first, then protecting your own arse is a close second. Promise me you’ll do these two things. I’m not there to witness what’s going on, but if you’re saying he’s really crazy right now, staying in the same house might not be a good idea. And if he starts drinking, please leave the house, regardless of the mood he’s in. Alcohol does bad bad things to unstable people in this situation…he might seem happy and stable one moment, but I can guarantee he can swing at a moment’s notice. 

As for contacting the Kunsan crew, there’s absolutely nothing he’ll find because there’s nothing to find. I wouldn’t worry too much about it. If it’d help, just shoot a very general email to the people he’d contact warning them. I guarantee they’ll be on your side. 

Great to hear about the CGO’s. See…I knew you’d find good people there. They might not be as fun as Kunsan people or as cool as Fighter Pilots  , but hey…having good people to hang out with is very important! 

The family’s doing good. Savannah is absolutely beautiful, and already the apple of my eye. I’ve already started work on making her a daddy’s girl. It was pretty funny…during the combined squadron Thanksgiving dinner, Ping took her from us and told us to get food and he’d watch her for a little bit. So we sat down and for the next 1.35 hours (no-****), he was walking around the crowd holding her. It was hilarious. Then Corrie, Zed and Xena fought over her for the next hour. She’s gonna give me grey hair for sure. Good thing I’ve already started my shotgun collection. 

Well, that’s about it from this side. I’ll be leaving Kunsan by the sea 16 December. Taking some leave enroute, then onto SOS 4 Jan – 5 Feb, the TX course March-May and onto Vegas shortly thereafter. Make sure to keep in touch so hopefully we can meet up sometime in the future. 

Please keep me updated on what’s going on in your life. I think/worry about you a lot. Take care of yourself. 

PITFU, 
Shack 
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As always, thanks for the advice. I worry that staying the same house won't work for long, so I need to start working on a secondary plan. Also, all alcohol has been removed from the house as it became a factor on Monday. So, his coworker took it all out of here. Hopefully he won't bring any more back into the house. I was thinking the same thing...I plan on sending an e-mail out to some of the ppl at the Kun to warn them (what a great idea!). 

Sounds like Savannah is a ham and will eventually have you wrapped around her little finger. Better watch out, dad, grey hair may not be the worst of it! You might lose your hair with this one! LOL. 

I will definitely keep in touch! Sparkie just sent me a FB message about meeting up sometime in Jan during SOS. So, maybe I'll see you then. If not, I'll visit Vegas sometime in the next year, so I'll see you eventually.

Thanks again for everything! Say hi to the gang for me.

TTYL,
Red
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## Starfish girl (Feb 6, 2012)

I'm so sorry. I agree with you, it does suck! I keep trying to think maybe there is someone better out there for me and then I get bursts of hope. But he just wants to be single too. I know my heart will mend eventually (I hope) but in the meantime it does really suck!


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## thurm09 (Feb 11, 2012)

Just stay postive and focus on yourself. Change what made your relationship weak and don't rush to find someone. Have fun getting to know yourself.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Thurm, I hope the time gives you both time to think. I always feared remote tours.


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## thurm09 (Feb 11, 2012)

Thanks Mamatomany. I hope so I wrote her a letter tell me what you think if you don't mind.

I want to tell you that I am truly sorry about how I handled the Kali/Koral (daughter/mom) situation. I felt that you could not handle the stress, which is why I did not tell you about the whole situation. I let myself be consumed of the thought of having Kali in my life. At that point in time all I could think about was that Kali is so close and I needed to do anything to get her. I never realized how much I was hurting you at the same time. Now that I look back, I can see how you must have felt. The fear of moving to Germany all by yourself and not knowing anyone. To feel like you are going to lose your husband to another woman and stress of coming into the Air Force and not knowing what to expect. I am so sorry for when you talked to me on skype or the phone and I was not veryresponsive to your emotional needs. I am really sorry I could not meet your needs at that time which caused me to turn your heart to stone towards me. I was wrong for mistreating you in that situation.

I am also very sorry about how I spoke to you when we argued about something. I let me emotions take over the argument which I learned from my family and the streets that being the louder one would win the argument. I should have approached you in a compassionate and loving way when I thought you were wrong.
I can see from your point of view that I belittled you and made you feel that you were not important to me. 
I would like to apologize for last year with all the arguments, name calling and accusations of adultery. I was truly hurt by the emails and pictures. I felt betrayed when another man knew I was going to mental health for help because I never told you that I was suppose to go to mental health in 2005 after Iraq. I 
refused because I did not want it to impact my Top Secret clearance. The 
pictures sent me over the top I could not get past seeing other men touching you like that. The pain felt like someone stabbing me in the heart and the back at the same time. I wanted you to hurt as much as I did and the only way I knew how to do this was to act in a immature way by calling you names and putting you 
down. I was wrong for that. I should have trusted what you said. I can now see that I did more damage again be hurting you emotionally by trying to get even with you. I cannot blame you for wanting a divorce because of last year. It was the storm in our marriage and our relationship sunk in that storm. 
I am losing the love of my life and you do mean so much to me. I let me pride and immature thinking rule how I acted over the years. I have started my walk to follow God's path to be a better man, to love you as I love myself, to understand you, to protect you, be kind and patient with you. I hope you can forgive me for the pain you suffered from me. In my realization I have hurt you very deeply and it pains me to know that I hurt you that much. 
The past 16 years is now behind us and today is the start of our future. The more I learn about love and marriage makes me understand that both of us have no idea about marriage and what love is. I have learned that marriage is a lifetime commitment. Couples need to be interdependent for each other to foster mutual 
growth and trust. Communication is the key for a healthy marriage whether it is good or bad and believe it or not fighting is very normal and good for relationships. These are just a few things I learned about marriage. I could not even tell you anything about love but this. Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into 
account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love and marriage takes work and I have been in your shoes, but I know anything that has happened in the past must be forgiven to ensure a great future together. Before I go look at the picture in the hall way at our home in Germany. I found this on a website and it summed it up perfectly for me on what I did. Love is a decision. It reminds couples that as wonderful as the feeling of love is, it is not sufficient for a marriage. At some point (actually many points) husband and wife need to decide to love - even when they don't feel like it. Acting on this decision by doing loving things for your spouse, speaking kindly and respectfully, and deciding over and over to pay attention to the 
relationship makes love rekindle. Our future together will only get stronger as we both learn more about love and marriage. We will grow old together like we planned. I love you.

I wait to hear a response back from you.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Thurm, 
Apologizing is great. It sounds like you really mean it and if it's not something you do often it may stun her at first. But your actions will mean more to her. It's hard with her being deployed again but find ways to do things that show your sorry, thinking about her, missing/loving her. 

You've written something in there that I have found in my last 3 months that I have really thought about... like love being a choice. I had never thought about that way in all my life. 

Have you ever read the Five Love Languages to figure out what may affect her more? 

The clearance/therapy thing has really messed a lot of relationships up! It's not a bad thing to talk and figure things out, but it makes those feel to vulnerable in a society that already has issues w/ it. I hope she doesn't make you ever feel weak for going. I think it takes a strong man to go and to talk about himself / relationships / feelings. It's important to learn how to communicate especially if we have gotten in a place where we stop listening to one another. 

Good luck on sending it to her.


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