# I have to FORCE my husband to attend events with me



## maddi (Jan 26, 2017)

We have been married for three years and he still fights with me about going anywhere or doing anything that involves my family. I have to bribe him like a kid and if that doesn't work we argue. I told him from the beginning that events with my family were very important to me and it was important that they see him. I am not talking about every weekend. Christmas, thanksgiving, easter and a couple BBQs is all I ask of him. 

He never had much of a family life as a kid. Both his moms and his dads side never took holidays seriously and near the end of his childhood, no one even bothered with them. But that doesnt excuse him of blatantly ignoring how important it is TO ME that he attend these events. Every year he fights just as hard as the last and we argue to the point where I am in tears and hes telling me i'm selfish for trying to make him go. I put up with his mother everyday and he can't see mine for a couple hours. It really hurts. Am I being selfish? is this grounds for divorce? I don't want to be with someone who can't stand my family, but other than this issue, our relationship is great. What would you do if you were me?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

maddi said:


> We have been married for three years and he still fights with me about going anywhere or doing anything that involves my family. I have to bribe him like a kid and if that doesn't work we argue. I told him from the beginning that events with my family were very important to me and it was important that they see him. I am not talking about every weekend. Christmas, thanksgiving, easter and a couple BBQs is all I ask of him.
> 
> He never had much of a family life as a kid. Both his moms and his dads side never took holidays seriously and near the end of his childhood, no one even bothered with them. But that doesnt excuse him of blatantly ignoring how important it is TO ME that he attend these events. Every year he fights just as hard as the last and we argue to the point where I am in tears and hes telling me i'm selfish for trying to make him go. I put up with his mother everyday and he can't see mine for a couple hours. It really hurts. Am I being selfish? is this grounds for divorce? I don't want to be with someone who can't stand my family, but other than this issue, our relationship is great. What would you do if you were me?


The next time there is an event and he doesn't want to go just say ok.Do NOT plead or bribe him to go with you.When you are getting ready,go all out,put on your sexiest dress,get your hair and makeup done and just go on your own.Do not text or call him and if he asks what time you will be home be vague.Do this a couple of times and he will soon come around.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Try to find out why he doesn't want to go. Is MIL and or FIL rude to him? I had severe problems with my in-laws and they made ever holiday into a nightmare for me. I had never been called an ******* by anyone before they started. In laws can extremely rude.


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## maddi (Jan 26, 2017)

jb02157 said:


> Try to find out why he doesn't want to go. Is MIL and or FIL rude to him? I had severe problems with my in-laws and they made ever holiday into a nightmare for me. I had never been called an ******* by anyone before they started. In laws can extremely rude.


My parents LOVE him. I don't see any possible way they could cause this extreme hatred for holidays with my family.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Okay so on your last thread, you don't want your mother in law at the baby shower but you expect your husband to attend your family events? 

Can you understand how that might make him not want to attend? 

Are you controlling perhaps? 


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## ChipperE (Nov 16, 2016)

You say you have to "force" him. Have you ever just asked him why he doesn't enjoy doing these things with you? This conversation should happen at a time when you are not asking him to go, so emotions are low. I would hope this would not be grounds for divorce. I think this is an area where you guys don't see eye-to-eye, and so now it's time to make a compromise that you can refer back to each time it comes up. Example: he goes to the Christmas party with you and he gets an afternoon of alone time. 

Does he have a job that keeps him busy? My husband HATES that my family has their Christmas party on a Friday night. He hates going each year because he has to leave work at 5:30pm then rush to be the party for 6:30pm. The first two years of our marriage I just thought he hated my family. No..he just hates having to sit through a party after a long a** week at work. Our compromise? We agreed that we would not rush after work and we get there when we get there (Usually around 7:30p).


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## maddi (Jan 26, 2017)

MrsAldi said:


> Okay so on your last thread, you don't want your mother in law at the baby shower but you expect your husband to attend your family events?
> 
> Can you understand how that might make him not want to attend?
> 
> ...


He completely understands why I don't want her there. Did you even read my last thread? However, if she lived by herself I would have no issue spending a few hours at her house on a holiday. Plus, this issue predates any plans for a baby or a baby shower.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

maddi said:


> He completely understands why I don't want her there. Did you even read my last thread? However, if she lived by herself I would have no issue spending a few hours at her house on a holiday. Plus, this issue predates any plans for a baby or a baby shower.


Yes I read it. 
You have a certain understandable resentment towards your mother in law, do you not think that your husband notices and resents your lack of respect and shows this by trying to boycott all your family events? 

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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

It sounds to me like he isn't going to budge. He doesn't enjoy these family activities, and you're never going to get him too. YOU have to put on your big girl panties and go it alone. When your family asks where he is. Be honest, tell them you invited him and he didn't come. This will start a flurry of questions from them, that you simply do not answer with anything other than "You will have to ask him." And maybe they will, maybe they won't. Invite him once, giving him the date and time. Zero reminders or pestering. 

From that point on, it's out of your hands. You go, and enjoy yourself with everyone. Leaving the cloud of doom behind. My first husband was this way. I can't tell you how much I wish someone would have told me this. Once I finally gave up and just starting going to stuff alone, never expecting him to come, it was great, and I finally stared having fun. The magical response to take away from my post is *You wil have to ask him that.* Make ZERO excuses for a spouse that won't put in a little bit of effort to spend time with your family. Leave the burden at his feet and go be happy.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

maddi said:


> We have been married for three years and he still fights with me about going anywhere or doing anything that involves my family. I have to bribe him like a kid and if that doesn't work we argue. I told him from the beginning that events with my family were very important to me and it was important that they see him. I am not talking about every weekend. Christmas, thanksgiving, easter and a couple BBQs is all I ask of him.
> 
> He never had much of a family life as a kid. Both his moms and his dads side never took holidays seriously and near the end of his childhood, no one even bothered with them. But that doesnt excuse him of blatantly ignoring how important it is TO ME that he attend these events. Every year he fights just as hard as the last and we argue to the point where I am in tears and hes telling me i'm selfish for trying to make him go. I put up with his mother everyday and he can't see mine for a couple hours. It really hurts. Am I being selfish? is this grounds for divorce? I don't want to be with someone who can't stand my family, but other than this issue, our relationship is great. What would you do if you were me?


No you are not being selfish. I made the effort to see my first husbands family even though I had nothing in common with them, for many years. Its all part of being married. My husband even goes with me to see some of the family members of my first husband who I am still in contact with. 

Honestly I think that you two need to get some good marriage counselling about his mum and your family.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

maddi said:


> He completely understands why I don't want her there. Did you even read my last thread? However, if she lived by herself I would have no issue spending a few hours at her house on a holiday. Plus, this issue predates any plans for a baby or a baby shower.


Reading your thread, which I did, does not address her point. I'll be a little more blunt with an example. I DO NOT like one of my BILs. My wife UNDERSTANDS why I feel the way I do, but she doesn't like it. So, just because he understands, it doesn't mean he likes it or agrees with what you want to do. 

Have you asked him WHY he doesn't want to go?
Have you asked him HOW your parents treat him?

I am always cordial to her brother, for years, but one day there was snark in my voice detectable to her. She asked and I told her how I felt. She had no idea and thought everything was cool. Talk to him.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Has he given you any specific reason he doesn't want to go? 

Also curious why you want him to go so badly?

Can you describe the family events? I mean....there is nothing strange going on is there?


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## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

If I recall correctly, he forces you to live with his mother, who hates you, and endure her smoking in the house, refusing to have his mother get her own place. But he refuses to go to your FOO, who love him, a couple of times a year.

It seems you do all the giving but get nothing in return in this "marriage."

IamSomebody


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

IamSomebody said:


> If I recall correctly, he forces you to live with his mother, who hates you, and endure her smoking in the house, refusing to have his mother get her own place. But he refuses to go to your FOO, who love him, a couple of times a year.
> 
> It seems you do all the giving but get nothing in return in this "marriage."
> 
> IamSomebody


 This right here. Yes. Of course she wants him to go, he is her husband. I go to all of my husband's family events and he begrudges me the same courtesy. You go because you respect your partners feelings, point blank. And my father hates my poor husband, but he still goes! (I'd defend him to the ends of the earth though because honestly, I love my dad but he's a grumpy old a$$....)


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

MarriedDude said:


> I mean....there is nothing strange going on is there?


I thought strange was a requirement for family events!? Don't we all have dysfunctional families? 

OP -Stop begging/forcing him to go. Just do your thing without him. He can sit at home with his mommy. 


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

I thought I misread the original thread after Iam's post. Could you clarify your living arrangements because it really sounds like your husband and his mom were roommates, then you moved in. Nope, he should be siding with you, but it adds an entirely different spin on why she still lives there.

Also, has your mom ever apologized to your husband? You said each MIL didn't like the person their child married. Then you said she apologized to you. If he still thinks she hates him, of course he will stay with his mom and not move in with your family.

You all have some bad family drama to fix. Too late now, but you do have a few months to get it lessened before the baby is born.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I think you are reasonable and right. That said, we have a family member who is fairly nice, a little shy, and does not come to a fair number of family gathering. He and his wife have been married a long time and seem to get along pretty well. Their son gave them a surprise 30th anniversary party, and the guy seemed a little angry about it. If that is the only thing, I guess deal with it.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

You said from the beginning.

I ask, did you discuss this before you got married, and both agreed amicably before ever agreeing to get married?

Or do you mean you decided he should do this for you as a unilateral decision after you got married?

In other words, what did he agree to regarding these events and visitations with your family before you two got engaged? 

In my opinion that's the only agreement you can hold him to. Maybe if you two had a nice friendly agreement after the engagement but before the wedding it would be viable. 

After you get married is not the time to be exacting promises without a very long ordeal and a lot of counseling. It's like changing the game rules in the middle of the game, or something.

No, I did not read another thread by you. Oh well.


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