# Not sure on our options after cheating



## name1900 (Aug 19, 2014)

This is my second post. My first post was that my military husband had been cheating while on a work trip in Vegas. I finally got out it has happened 6 times with in the past 6 years. All on a work trip and while drinking heavily. This all started with a new job 6 years ago. The people he works with encouraged this bad behavior and make fun of others who are with their families. We have been together for 10 years with two children. We have considered moving across country to another base were he wouldn't have to travel any more and it's more family orientated. He's also agreed to a poly test everyone year.
I'm so torn... I'm not sure about the move and if I'm being naive about the job change. 
What to do?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

He is panicking now. What he says will not necessarily be the same in 6 months. For one thing her isn't taking responsibility for what he has done. The poly is still scheduled right?

I would never move my life because someone you can't trust needs to run away to start anew. You would give up so much and there is no guarantee he will be any better. You will suffer much more without your friends. To me this idea is almost like kids imagining how great it would be to win a million bucks... 

Your husband will still be a cheater, just in another state.

Let him bust some serious hump trying to prove himself to you while you think.

But yeah, he quits his job yesterday.

Bastard.

Find out who the other cheaters are and give their wives the heads up sometime should have given you 6 years ago,


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## name1900 (Aug 19, 2014)

Thanks clipclop for your response. I'm the one who asked where else he could work. It's not like there are any other job opportunities in the same field here. It's not like that will military jobs.

About the wives thing, I already have. I don't have proof of their husbands but I told mine and timeframes and as much info as I can.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

First, the idea he only betrayed you due to booze and peer pressure is so hokey it's laughable. He did this against you and the children because he wanted to- pure and simple. 

Second, were it me I'd ask for a meeting with the base commander and protest the leadership of the nco's if any of them are above E5 in grade. This needs to stop.

Third, in case you didn't get the memo, you're married to a serial beteayer and he ain't changing. What are you going to do about it?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I remember your other thread. How did you find out about the rest of them? 

You need to be very, very careful when you consider reconciling with a serial cheater. Plus, drinking is a convenient excuse. And that needs to stop immediately.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

name1900 said:


> This is my second post. My first post was that my military husband had been cheating while on a work trip in Vegas. I finally got out it has happened 6 times with in the past 6 years. All on a work trip and while drinking heavily. This all started with a new job 6 years ago. The people he works with encouraged this bad behavior and make fun of others who are with their families. We have been together for 10 years with two children. We have considered moving across country to another base were he wouldn't have to travel any more and it's more family orientated. He's also agreed to a poly test everyone year.
> I'm so torn... I'm not sure about the move and if I'm being naive about the job change.
> What to do?


Counselling, both individual and couple's.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Counselling, both individual and couple's.


MM, do you think thst will help a serial betrayer and compulsive liar?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You go to your H's C O, and get this crap stopped, you also point the finger at those enabling your H, and poking fun at honest married couples who try to have a good married life.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Cheating is culturally acceptable in many large circles within the military. A PCS will NOT solve your problems. You really need to carefully consider whether you can properly R with a serial cheater, especially considering he sought others out to hang with who also found cheating socially acceptable. He will gravitate towards the same people again out of sheer habit without true remorse and good IC.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

First, assuming we buy the excuse that His friends made him do it, then he needs new friends.

Sure, they may be toxic and encourage guys to cheat on their wives (I don't believe that) but if they do I can guarantee there are MANY other guys on that base who are loyal to their wives and would be disgusted by that behavior. He doesn't choose to hang with those guys though does he.

More than likely he has friends that turn a blind eye to his behaviors. Openly encouraging it I find far fetched, but I true they he made the choice to select these guys as his drinking partners.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> MM, do you think thst will help a serial betrayer and compulsive liar?


Counselling for a friend of mine helped her realise that her marriage was over, that it wasn't her fault, and that she should divorce her worthless husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

New coworkers might help.



BostonBruins32 said:


> I actually buy this theory too.
> 
> not only cheat, but behave similar to the pack they run with. When my wife needed "space", I suspected a EA. I also thought I wasnt getting a full story. My wife confided in 2 of her friends who had marriages fall apart and may have begun fishing around for new partners before thier marraige was over. It was really interesting because my wife didn't confide in any of her friends with marriages still in tact. She was looking for confirmation of her behavior (be it needing space or having a EA).
> 
> I think spouses behave similar to those closest to them. I have section of friends who hang out a lot and have all cheated millions of times. I have another section of friends who hang out and have never cheated. And with those friends who cheated, they are super open about it and are not afraid to brag and chat about it wherever.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

You are awesome, telling the other wives! Do you know how many women would have sat silently on that info?

I really think your husband has even more to tell. Notice how he kept it to a single triggering event? These guys didn't make him cheat. Vegas didn't make him cheat. But you would believe that it was Vegas and these guys and a once a year thing because he was already busted in that scenario. He offered more than you knew which is what they do when there is a poly on the table but they never tell everything the first time through.

And was it six times or six trips with multiple women? Did he pick up hookers? Ever? 

Where else does he go that he could find other women? 

I am not inclined to believe this was confined to Vegas. If he has only been there 6 times and he cheated the first time he was already predisposed to cheating. Took a feather to knock him over.

There are probably lap dances and who knows what else in strip clubs too.

Go through his credit card statements and look at cash withdrawals.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

*Re: Re: Not sure on our options after cheating*



PhillyGuy13 said:


> First, assuming we buy the excuse that His friends made him do it, then he needs new friends.
> 
> Sure, they may be toxic and encourage guys to cheat on their wives (I don't believe that) but if they do I can guarantee there are MANY other guys on that base who are loyal to their wives and would be disgusted by that behavior. He doesn't choose to hang with those guys though does he.
> 
> ...


Pg13:

I wish what you say were true. After 20 years in the Army, I can promise you there are PLENTY of folks who encourage it. Have you ever heard the saying "What goes TDY stays TDY?" In other words, what happens during official travel is never talked about again. It is encouraged to an almost rampant level.

I am not excusing his behavior. I am making sure the OP understands that a change of scenery will not solve anything.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

farsidejunky said:


> Pg13:
> 
> I wish what you say were true. After 20 years in the Army, I can promise you there are PLENTY of folks who encourage it. Have you ever heard the saying "What goes TDY stays TDY?" In other words, what happens during official travel is never talked about again. It is encouraged to an almost rampant level.


The difference today from 40 years ago is that there are willing women everywhere in the new "kinder, gentler" military, so the whøring is a lot easier and it's easier on the wallet.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

name1900 said:


> I finally got out it has happened *6 times with in the past 6 years.*


Cheaters lie to minimize... fact. If he admits to 6, it could very well be 60. Don't believe a word.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

name1900 said:


> This is my second post. My first post was that my military husband had been cheating while on a work trip in Vegas. I finally got out it has happened 6 times with in the past 6 years. All on a work trip and while drinking heavily. This all started with a new job 6 years ago. The people he works with encouraged this bad behavior and make fun of others who are with their families.


Then it obvious that the military didn't do a damn thing to instill honor in them and they, especially your husband, don't have a shred of it in them.

Your husband is a disgrace to the honorable men and women of our armed forces. 

So now, my question is, how long have you been married? I know you say you have been together for 10 years.
But also, has he been in the service for 20 years? If not, how close is he to 20 years?

And not sure, but you might want to check to see if there is a number of years you need to be married to lay claim to his military pension. I believe, maybe someone can verify for me, that you get half of his military pension for life once he retires if he has been in the service for more than 20 years.

Just food for thought. Hit him where it hurts.

EDIT: Ok, just now understood he has a civilian job? Was he in the military for 20 years by chance?


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## jmiller2020 (Sep 3, 2013)

name1900 said:


> Thanks clipclop for your response. I'm the one who asked where else he could work. It's not like there are any other job opportunities in the same field here. It's not like that will military jobs.
> 
> About the wives thing, I already have. I don't have proof of their husbands but I told mine and timeframes and as much info as I can.


Have you been to counseling yet? I am not sure if I am a believer in the success rate of counseling a serial cheater but that would be my first step if I wasn't ready to end things, which it sounds like you are not. If you do look for a counselor make sure you ask tough questions before you even walk in the door. You want to know their experience with infidelity and serial cheaters. Ask for them to take you through a rough treatment plan and how they would go about treatment. This will give you a good idea about their views on the subject and how they will go about helping you two. Things that would be good to focus on, why is he keeping himself in this situation if he knows it is not a good environment for a married man that wants to be faithful? He has chosen to surround himself with a company that supports this behavior for 6 years. That is very telling. How come it was you that thought of a job transfer and not him? Think about that one. My hunch is that it has more to do with the fact that deep down he doesn't want to leave the group that supports his behavior than the money. Why does he allow himself to be influenced by his group of colleagues? Is he insecure? Does he feel he has something to prove (look at me I am a man and can still get women)? I am so sorry this is happening, I can't imagine how much pain you are in, I just want to be honest in that this doesn't look good and I want you to protect yourself and your kids.


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