# Seriously thinking about divorce...



## koalafamily2 (Nov 30, 2015)

Married for exactly three years now. Of course, as everyone knows, it's always great in the beginning, but change of environment (both relocated from the San Francisco Bay Area to Jersey City, NJ/NYC Metro), cultural differences (she's traditional Filipino and born in the Philippines, while I'm an American of Filipino descent born in SF, CA) and people associated with us through her friendships definitely changed that.

The things that truly bother me are:

1. Always arguing with me about money, not taking into consideration my salary was higher in SF, CA compared to a lower cost of living in New Jersey, and having the same amount and type of bills but not having much money to work with.

2. Always arguing with me when I complain about the amount of time she spends with her friends. They have helped us with small things to get us out of jams, purchase things for us on credit and we pay them in installments, they invite us to some of their family gatherings where I totally feel uncomfortable because they always speak Filipino and her friends' family and friends are the types of people that are "showoffs" and "materialistic". I tell her that I'd like to limit the time we see them, because though they do nice things for us occasionally, we pay them back and are not obligated to spend time with them frequently just because they help us. As it is, I don't see her every day, because she has a "live-in" job as a nanny and I don't see her until the weekend...

3. Language barrier... She and her friends always speak the Philippine language while I'm twiddling my thumbs waiting for her to start a conversation in English with me, whether it be in public, while dining, in the car, or during parties we're invited to. She also insists on watching Filipino TV channels while I have to suffer through not being able to enjoy the shows due to the language spoken.

4. Lack of transportation and rather than using public transit or UBER, she always call on her friend's husband for favors to drive us around. I had my car impounded through circumstances beyond our control recently, and are in the market for a new car, but her friend's husband's driving skills totally suck... Case in point, this Thanksgiving, his driving was also a cause for an argument because he grew up in NYC, and he drives like a maniac. I told her he's dangerous behind the wheel, "New York style" driving doesn't impress me, and that I'd like to make it to next Thanksgiving alive, which set her off, unless that's how people drive in the Philippines. Reckless without any regard for human life...

5. Domestic violence... After the blowout when I called her out about her friends, she was washing dishes while I was trying to enjoy breakfast, and she snapped by throwing glasses and a frying pan at me. All I was doing was addressing the problems she has about her allegiance to her friends, and that I married her, not a group of people I never liked from the beginning anyway. She was the one shouting, and I never even showed one bit of anger towards her. Just telling her like it is, and how I disliked her protecting her friends like I was a bad guy for even bringing the entire situation up.

All in all, I have no problem with telling her I'd like to "cool off", would consider separating or filing for divorce, as it seems she would rather spend life with her friends instead of having a marriage. Only thing is if she "snaps", what would the consequences for me be... I'd rather not end up as a statistic of domestic violence, or would I just "disappear without a trace"? Any and all comments are totally welcome! Thanks for listening!


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## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

Was she like this when you met her? In regards to the friends situation, I mean? How long were you together before you got married?

No one knows better than you if you are in an unsafe situation or not. If you really feel like you can't talk to her about how you are feeling, without being physically abused, then you should do it in a public place. I think disappearing is a cowardly act.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

*Re: Seriously thinking about divorce...p*

Welcome to the forum. I have a few questions that may help us give you better suggestions. 

Are you still in love with each other?

If she were to make improvements in the areas you list, would your want to stay in your marriage?

Are your able to sit down and discuss each of these issues to work on resolutions?
If you do, how does that go?

How would she describe you and your marital issues to us?

She definitely crossed the line when she threw that stuff at you. Violence has no place in a marriage. 

To me, the rest of the list seems like resolutions or compromises on both of your parts could be worked on to save your marriage. Many couples overcome much, much worse. As I'm sure your understand, all relationships have their issues. I'm of the mindset that divorce would be the last choice. The nest spouse will be imperfect too, and you could end up with much, much bigger problems.


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

koalafamily2 said:


> Married for exactly three years now. Of course, as everyone knows, it's always great in the beginning, but change of environment (both relocated from the San Francisco Bay Area to Jersey City, NJ/NYC Metro), cultural differences (she's traditional Filipino and born in the Philippines, while I'm an American of Filipino descent born in SF, CA) and people associated with us through her friendships definitely changed that.
> 
> The things that truly bother me are:
> 
> ...


You asked for any and all comments so here it goes. Being a Filipino boy, I don't know why any of this is new to you. She is doing everything I see other Filipino women do. You make very bad financial decisions and she is compensating the only way she knows. This is the woman you married. Accept her as she is or let her go so that she can marry a good Filipino boy she deserves.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I was going straight to the divorce door, until I read @Spicy 's comments.

As outsiders it is easy for us to say END IT. But Easy is Bourbon Street and that place is dangerous.

She sounds immature and selfish. How old is she?

As a cynic, I think she may have married you for convenience, to get a footlhold in the United States and not for love.

If she does love you, I would hate to see how she treats those whom she hates.

She has the entitled princess syndrome. I suspect that she is very petite and very pretty.

This serves a lady well when she is single, but remains a thin garment when they marry. 

Her priorities are selfish. You are a fixture in her life and not a bastion. 

Marriage vows: Where is the "Cherish" part that she should offer up. If "cher" is derived from "cherry" then the ""ish" is a misplaced modifier. She got the cherry.....you got misplaced in the marriage shuffle.

She sounds like she has one foot out of the door. This problem that you are having sounds cultural to me. Marriage in the Philippines [for men and women] often "seems" to be a tenuous and slippery grip on mutual respect and on fidelity.

Open marriages and infidelity is "more" common there. At least in the big cities. IMO.

I would end this dance if things do not improve.
.....................................................................................................................

Do not spring divorce on her:

Without discussing your feelings and needs.
Without asking her for her opinion.
Without trying to fix this {if that is your goal}.
Without asking her if she needs anything from you to fix the marriage.

Do not threaten divorce lightly. If you are not going to divorce her or you [really do not want to] divorce her, then do not threaten.

Once said, the words can snowball, a blizzard of white-out woes to ensue. 

Good luck. Sorry you are "Here".


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## koalafamily2 (Nov 30, 2015)

"Disappearing" was if she did something in the way of physical violence... Who knows what could be in the mind of some people once you see it come out... I've watched "Snapped" on TV, and the way some of those women offed their husbands was something else.


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## koalafamily2 (Nov 30, 2015)

*Re: Seriously thinking about divorce...p*



Spicy said:


> Welcome to the forum. I have a few questions that may help us give you better suggestions.
> 
> Are you still in love with each other? Yes, but the domestic violence just occurred, and that's why I'm having second thoughts about the marriage.
> 
> ...


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

koalafamily2 said:


> "Disappearing" was if she did something in the way of physical violence... Who knows what could be in the mind of some people once you see it come out... I've watched "Snapped" on TV, and the way some of those women offed their husbands was something else.


You sound very in fear of your wife and domestic violence will make you think like that. 

Her behaviour is out of order, if I treated my husband that way, he'd put me in jail or a mental health facility. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

You might need to get a restraining order if you decide to confront and deal with this.

I would never stay in your position. I read another thread about a filipino wife who behaved similarly. These could be cultural differences with anger and emotional control issues all bundled into one.

Again - I wouldn't live that way and would leave.

However, you said a couple of things that are red flags.

1-you have no control over your car being impounded. Total victim-speak. If my car were taken from me through no fault if my own, someone ELSE would pay and you can dam well bet I wouldn't leave my story hanging like that - I'd say exactly why I had no control. I just can't imagine a scenario where I'd even think that way. If it was stolen I'd say it was stolen. If someone borrowed it, racked up tickets and got it taken, I'd own up to my foolishness in lending it and put the rest if the blame on the other person and make them pay. If my spouse got it taken away - I'd explain what happened. Your choice of words and lack of explanation raise way too many questions.

2-you are broke. Why? What can you do to change that? Are you working on that? You must take control of your finances, not live beyond your means, and be financially successful to a basic extent. Needs more explanation.

Neither of these issues of yours excuses your W's behavior though. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

This story sounds very familiar...have you posted this here before, maybe under a different user? 

Honestly, it doesn't sound like she cares about you at all..


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Pull the plug before she winds up pregnant or you're married so long that you wind up paying alimony for the rest of your life.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

First off cost of living cheaper in NJ,:rofl: only in CA could the cost be more! Move to Pency if you divorce.

Second don't have a kid until you get this settled. Third *don't have a kid until you get this settled!*


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Join the club. Divorce isn't the end of the world. Man, you have no kids. There's nothing to it! I would have kicked her to the curb after she went crazy on you. Divide your crap 50/50 and never date a Filipino again. Life is a journey. We make mistakes and learn from them. You'll learn from this mistake and thrive once she's out of your life.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Don't let the proverbial door hit you in the a$$! Get to a lawyers office pronto and have them immediately draw up the paperwork to rid yourself of this scourge!*


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

GuyInColorado said:


> Join the club. Divorce isn't the end of the world. Man, you have no kids. There's nothing to it! I would have kicked her to the curb after she went crazy on you. Divide your crap 50/50 and *never date a Filipino again.* Life is a journey. We make mistakes and learn from them. You'll learn from this mistake and thrive once she's out of your life.


This has zero to do with her ethnicity. I just passed the 30 year mark with my Filipino wife and not once ever has she acted like that, nor has her mother or any other of her female relatives that I have been around for 3 decades.

This is just him being with an immature self centered person who just happens to be Filipino.


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