# my husband is cheating but it cant be serious because he always post me on social media right?



## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

My husband and I met in high school, we were together and then broke up and got back together, I got pregnant at 18 and he decided he wanted to always be around his child everyday and that we were going to be a family. We got married when our child turned 2. We have been married now for over a decade and I thought we were happy. We have had hiccups and honestly while we are great friends, I do feel that we are very different romantically but nothing our marriage can't fix to me. I found out he has been seeing a woman for 3 years. I have read some text messages to her and they are really really involved. He asks her opinion a lot about life matters, work matters, and from the looks of it, they started a secret business together! They even have a realtor to purchase property! My husband and I hardly have sex, and awhile ago in an argument he told me had checked out years ago but that to me is anger talking and we do have three beautiful children and he is such a great father! Ever so often, we do engage in physical intimacy and he still attends our family gatherings, outings with kids, family vacations, and even proclaims me on social media outlets knowing I love to share our relationship with our friends and family. He always makes it a point to post me on special occasions which to me always says "we are *OK*". I love to share this on my social media. He does all of these things which to me, I know this affair is temporary. He is very present!

My good friend tells me, he settled for me because of the children, he's obligated to me and if he has been with this woman for 3 years and counting, its not a fling but I just don't believe that! I guess here I am seeking any advice and if you think this 3-year relationship is real or not and how should I proceed. I do not want to ruffle any feathers because I do think this is temporary because of him being present and doesn’t miss a beat but it is very off-putting to know he is making money with this woman, she is in his personal life, I saw she helped him make multiple appointments, he goes to her for advice about everyday matters, he even shares things with her about our children! They are too intertwined to me but how intertwined could they be if he is still present with our family.

Just this past weekend, our oldest graduated and we are taking a "graduation vacation" until Thursday he has really posted me this weekend. I love when he does that. But when I looked into his phone, I saw that he made sure to see her before we left on our vacation. and he explained to her all of the activities we had planned this weekend with OUR family. He also told her he is excited to go because it is fun for our children. He told her he loved her and couldn't wait to be back from vacation to see her. I am so confused because he again has posted me all weekend, and it really makes my heart soar. What do you all think? I need all the raw advice and experience.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does your husband know that you found out about his affair?


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

Posting you on social media means nothing. It is just the thin veneer of respectability and happy families image that he wants to project. He loves the other woman. He has a separate life with her. I am not saying this to be mean, but it sounds like he tolerates you in order to be with his children and his love and future life are with his affair partner. Look out for yourself because he sure won't.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

Your husband has been in a relationship with another woman for 3 years, apparently he has a secret business with her, and he let her know about all the things he'd be doing on his vacation with his "other" family, oh yeah, and that he loved her. But it's not serious bc he posts on social media about you. Good lord lady, wake the F up.


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> Does your husband know that you found out about his affair?


Hello EleGirl, no he does not know that i found out about this. I am addicted to looking at his phone when he leaves it laying around.


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

QuietGuy said:


> Posting you on social media means nothing. It is just the thin veneer of respectability and happy families image that he wants to project. He loves the other woman. He has a separate life with her. I am not saying this to be mean, but it sounds like he tolerates you in order to be with his children and his love and future life are with his affair partner. Look out for yourself because he sure won't.


Thank you QuietGuy for responding. As I take it you are a guy, then why does he stay with me? In my head, he is where he wants to be. I don't beg him to stay with me, but he is extremely present in our home. He does all of our family things and never misses a beat. On our anniversary he takes me and the children out, birthdays, holidays etc. He does not spend these special occasions with her. We have known each other for over 18 years and we are a love story that most envy. Project a happy family?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

husbandcheating22 said:


> Hello EleGirl, no he does not know that i found out about this. I am addicted to looking at his phone when he leaves it laying around.


How many children do you have? What are their ages?

I'm sorry to say that the reason that your husband is posting about you on social media is that he does not want anyone else to know about his cheating.

My suggestion is that you don't tell him right now that you know what he's up to as there is some info you need to collect.

Can you do something like take photos of the texts with her with your phone so that you have solid proof. If you confront him about this, he will most likely lie. That's normal for cheaters to do. You especially need proof of him having a company with the affair partner (AP). Legally you own 50% of his part of that business. If they are buying real-estate together you own a portion of it. Do you know the name of the business? Is it registered in your state as an LLC, a corporation, etc?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He takes you and the children out on your anniversary. That's very telling. He should be taking you out, just you and him, on your anniversary to celebrate your marriage.


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

Captain Obvious said:


> Your husband has been in a relationship with another woman for 3 years, apparently he has a secret business with her, and he let her know about all the things he'd be doing on his vacation with his "other" family, oh yeah, and that he loved her. But it's not serious bc he posts on social media about you. Good lord lady, wake the F up.


Thank you Captain Obvious for your reply. I am thinking it is not serious because he is still at home with me, he doesnt stay out all night, he is at home with me and our children. He attends all family events, he doesnt miss a beat with us. And he publicly acknowledges me, not her.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

husbandcheating22 said:


> we are a love story that most envy. Project a happy family?


You're being cheated on, you share your husband with another woman. He's with you because of the kids.

There is nothing envious about that whatsoever. 

Time to remove the blindfold.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Because he likes having time with his kids, doesn’t want to pay child support and possible alimony. Abd because he likes eating cake.

you’re history when the kids hit 18 most likely.


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> How many children do you have? What are their ages?
> 
> I'm sorry to say that the reason that your husband is posting about you on social media is that he does not want anyone else to know about his cheating.
> 
> ...


We have 3 children, 18, 14, 9.

I have read that the business is in her name only and the real estate will be in her name only as well. I have read so many texts between the two. He asks her for advice about his job, life, family, he shares things about our children with her.


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> He takes you and the children out on your anniversary. That's very telling. He should be taking you out, just you and him, on your anniversary to celebrate your marriage.



Am I that crazy? I thought that us going out as a family celebrates our years of marriage and allows our children to see real love.


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

Trident said:


> You're being cheated on, you share your husband with another woman. He's with you because of the kids.
> 
> There is nothing envious about that whatsoever.
> 
> Time to remove the blindfold.


Thank you Trident for your response. "He's with you because of the kids." I don't see him being unhappy because he is present. I don't make him go to our family events, the majority of the time he is asking about them. 

Envious because we have known each other since teenagers and we are still together. We have a beautiful family and he's a great father.


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> Because he likes having time with his kids, doesn’t want to pay child support and possible alimony. Abd because he likes eating cake.
> 
> you’re history when the kids hit 18 most likely.


Thank you Evinrude58. He loves having time with our sons, they are literally his best friends and we love spending time as a family. We also love spending time together. Just today we spent the day lounging by the pool and him taking photos of me posing. Just a fun day all around!

Does that sound like he is staying because he wants to spend time with our kids? This is so confusing.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

husbandcheating22 said:


> Am I that crazy? I thought that us going out as a family celebrates our years of marriage *and allows our children to see real love.*


is this serious? You feel like they’re seeing real love when he takes you out in your anniversary and banging another lady and living a double life at the same time?
Just trying to understand your perspective.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

husbandcheating22 said:


> Thank you Evinrude58. He loves having time with our sons, they are literally his best friends and we love spending time as a family. We also love spending time together. Just today we spent the day lounging by the pool and him taking photos of me posing. Just a fun day all around!
> 
> Does that sound like he is staying because he wants to spend time with our kids? This is so confusing.


I thought you said you rarely had sex?


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

husbandcheating22 said:


> Thank you Captain Obvious for your reply. I am thinking it is not serious because he is still at home with me, he doesnt stay out all night, he is at home with me and our children. He attends all family events, he doesnt miss a beat with us. And he publicly acknowledges me, not her.


He gets to be a respectable family man with you, and then he gets to have a passionate relationship with her. Why would he leave you when he can be the loving husband/father one day, then have his forbidden relationship the next day because he can, and so far in his mind, no one is the wiser. He's got the best situation in the world right now, and wife who really doesn't seem to mind it, do you blame him?


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> is this serious? You feel like they’re seeing real love when he takes you out in your anniversary and banging another lady and living a double life at the same time?
> Just trying to understand your perspective.


Our children do not know what I know so they only see the love story that we show them. I honestly think this woman is temporary and I suppose I am trying to wait out the storm, I don't see how he could throw away our years over something so trivial.


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> I thought you said you rarely had sex?


We hardly have sex, but we hang out with our friends, we go to our sons events, we hang out together.


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

Captain Obvious said:


> He gets to be a respectable family man with you, and then he gets to have a passionate relationship with her. Why would he leave you when he can be the loving husband/father one day, then have his forbidden relationship the next day because he can, and so far in his mind, no one is the wiser. He's got the best situation in the world right now, and wife who really doesn't seem to mind it, do you blame him?


I do mind it, I really just want things to play out. I see their texts conversations and he tells her he loves her and wants her and all I think is how stupid can she be because if he loved her he would be with her and I am hoping she makes an exit. It's hurtful.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You are projecting your feelings onto him. Denial is only a temporary comfort zone. 
I love him so he has to love me too. Nope. His actions tell you everything you need to know.
Get to a good attorney and see what your rights are. They are plotting against you and will Leave you high and dry. You need to wake up to reality NOW!


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

husbandcheating22 said:


> I do mind it, I really just want things to play out. I see their texts conversations and he tells her he loves her and wants her and all I think is how stupid can she be because if he loved her he would be with her and I am hoping she makes an exit. It's hurtful.


He doesn't love her, he's using her for sex. She's probably a naive woman who actually thinks he's going to leave his wife and family for her, just like you think he's going to cancel the all you can bang no consequences buffet bc he'll suddenly find his conscience. Your husband is a user, he's not a good person.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

husbandcheating22 said:


> I do mind it, I really just want things to play out. I see their texts conversations and he tells her he loves her and wants her and all I think is how stupid can she be because if he loved her he would be with her and I am hoping she makes an exit. It's hurtful.


Nope. They are biding their time and planning against you.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

husbandcheating22 said:


> Envious because we have known each other since teenagers and we are still together. We have a beautiful family and he's a great father.


As long as you don't mind him being a horrendous husband then it's all good.


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

Marc878 said:


> You are projecting your feelings onto him. Denial is only a temporary comfort zone.
> I love him so he has to love me too. Nope. His actions tell you everything you need to know.
> Get to a good attorney and see what your rights are. They are plotting against you and will Leave you high and dry. You need to wake up to reality NOW!


Thank you Marc878. Isnt there an old saying such as "if a man wants to leave he will go"...he is still here. He just walked in here to tell my brother was leaving to go to the store and did I need anything, very present with our life.On vacation, his communication with her has been minimal, but mine has not. I just am all over the place with my thoughts


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

You’d better get tested for STDs. He’s probably not faithful to his girlfriend either.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

husbandcheating22 said:


> Thank you Marc878. Isnt there an old saying such as "if a man wants to leave he will go"...he is still here. He just walked in here to tell my brother was leaving to go to the store and did I need anything, very present with our life.On vacation, his communication with her has been minimal, but mine has not. I just am all over the place with my thoughts


He is present for his children. Not for you. Your kids are growing up and he’s planning a life without you. Please, please protect yourself. Get a job, get a savings account, get a credit card in your name to build credit. And again, get tested for STDs. They are very dangerous not treated.


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

Captain Obvious said:


> He doesn't love her, he's using her for sex. She's probably a naive woman who actually thinks he's going to leave his wife and family for her, just like you think he's going to cancel the all you can bang no consequences buffet bc he'll suddenly find his conscience. Your husband is a user, he's not a good person.


Using her for sex, this is what I told my friend and she told me I was delusional. So you agree! The reason she says its not for sex, is because he shares all the intimate details about his life to her, including bank statements he has sent to her, helping him with investments, job related things, helping our sons with things, she even opened each and every one of them a bank account when she opened up her two childrens accounts. She is too hands on to me but that to me is because like you said, she thinks he is going to leave me for her! I am his life and I really wish she would move on!

" Your husband is a user, he's not a good person." This is a hard thing to see.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Unfortunately, you're not ''his life.'' He sounds like he's leading two lives, to be honest. Please protect yourself, seek legal counsel and don't stay in denial. Sounds like it's way more than sex...like he's literally living two separate lives, even if the actual time he spends with you is more, he's still devoting a lot of attention to her. You deserve much better.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

husbandcheating22 said:


> Using her for sex, this is what I told my friend and she told me I was delusional. So you agree! The reason she says its not for sex, is because he shares all the intimate details about his life to her, including bank statements he has sent to her, helping him with investments, job related things, helping our sons with things, she even opened each and every one of them a bank account when she opened up her two childrens accounts. She is too hands on to me but that to me is because like you said, she thinks he is going to leave me for her! I am his life and I really wish she would move on!
> 
> " Your husband is a user, he's not a good person." This is a hard thing to see.


How is it hard to see??? He's using her for sex, he's keeping her and her vagina in the picture by telling her he loves her, even though he probably has no real intention of starting a life with her, meanwhile he's married to you at the moment. You are not his life, you are his comfort zone. Your husband is a scumbag of epic proportions. He's not not going to leave you for her, he's staying with you bc it's easier and cheaper, and he gets to have all the side sex he wants.


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

Marc878 said:


> Nope. They are biding their time and planning against you.


This is alarming


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

They also have matching tattoos that i had no clue about because I do not look at the physical outside of his face as such.


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## harperlee (May 1, 2018)

husbandcheating22 said:


> Using her for sex, this is what I told my friend and she told me I was delusional. So you agree! The reason she says its not for sex, is because he shares all the intimate details about his life to her, including bank statements he has sent to her, helping him with investments, job related things, helping our sons with things, she even opened each and every one of them a bank account when she opened up her two childrens accounts. She is too hands on to me but that to me is because like you said, she thinks he is going to leave me for her! I am his life and I really wish she would move on!
> 
> " Your husband is a user, he's not a good person." This is a hard thing to see.


Hi Husbandcheating22, I remember you from another site last year. Wow, same stuff, sorry this is still an unresolved issue.
I think you managed to get to over 100 pages on the other site. Any way, same advice.


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> He is present for his children. Not for you. Your kids are growing up and he’s planning a life without you. Please, please protect yourself. Get a job, get a savings account, get a credit card in your name to build credit. And again, get tested for STDs. They are very dangerous not treated.


Thank you TexasMom1216 for your response. "Being present for the children" seems to be the theme, but what do I have to do with the children. Being present for the children doesnt make him take me out for my birthday or special occasions or posting me on social media with love emotions isn't being "present for our sons" can this be explained?

I do have a job but he does make more money than I do.


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

harperlee said:


> Hi Husbandcheating22, I remember you from another site last year. Wow, same stuff, sorry this is still an unresolved issue.
> I think you managed to get to over 100 pages on the other site. Any way, same advice.


i did post on another site but there is so many things that have been happening! On my end, thinking they were positive but I guess I am still in a state of "denial"


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

You say your husband has been having this affair for three years.

Then you say it's "temporary" and think he'll come to his senses.

My definition of "temporary" is vastly different than yours. If my husband had been putting his penis in another woman's vagina for three years, I'd say it's more of a permanent situation.

Denial. It's a powerful force.

Oh, and for your edification - - your husband is the classic example of a CAKE EATER.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

husbandcheating22 said:


> Am I that crazy? I thought that us going out as a family celebrates our years of marriage and allows our children to see real love.


You are not crazy. Your idea that by taking your children with you it shows them a good example of love is good. But he should also be taking you out on dates. And your anniversary is one of the most important dates you two should be celebrating, just the two of you.

How much time do the two of you spend together doing date-like things, just the two of you without the children? What sorts of things do you two do together?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

husbandcheating22 said:


> We have 3 children, 18, 14, 9.
> 
> I have read that the business is in her name only and the real estate will be in her name only as well. I have read so many texts between the two. He asks her for advice about his job, life, family, he shares things about our children with her.


The business is in her name only? Does he give your money to by the properties or for anything else?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

husbandcheating22 said:


> Using her for sex, this is what I told my friend and she told me I was delusional. So you agree! The reason she says its not for sex, is because he shares all the intimate details about his life to her, including bank statements he has sent to her, helping him with investments, job related things, helping our sons with things, she even opened each and every one of them a bank account when she opened up her two childrens accounts. She is too hands on to me but that to me is because like you said, she thinks he is going to leave me for her! I am his life and I really wish she would move on!
> 
> " Your husband is a user, he's not a good person." This is a hard thing to see.


I agree with your friend. If he was just using her for sex, he would be having a lot of sex with you. He would not be talking to her about everything in his life. He would not be in some business with her. He's very much involved with her at a very deep level.

What's going on here is not unusual for cheaters. They end up with two different lives... one with their wife and children and then a secret one with an affair partners.


husbandcheating22 said:


> he shares all the intimate details about his life to her, including bank statements he has sent to her, helping him with investments, job related things, helping our sons with things, she even opened each and every one of them a bank account when she opened up her two childrens accounts. She is too hands on to me but that to me is because like you said, she thinks he is going to leave me for her! I am his life and I really wish she would move on!


I need to clarify some of this just to make sure that I understand...

He's sending her his bank account statements? Are you on his bank accounts? Or do the two of you have separate accounts?

She's opened up bank accounts for your 3 three children? Is this what you are saying?

What is she doing to help your children? Have your children met her?

Is she married? Do you know her name?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

husbandcheating22 said:


> Thank you TexasMom1216 for your response. "Being present for the children" seems to be the theme, but what do I have to do with the children. Being present for the children doesnt make him take me out for my birthday or special occasions or posting me on social media with love emotions isn't being "present for our sons" can this be explained?
> 
> I do have a job but he does make more money than I do.


Again, sweetie, you’re grasping at straws with the social media thing. You say he makes more money than you. Statistically, men with families do make more because having a family makes them seem mature and responsible. You are providing him a veneer of respectability.

I am a stranger on the internet, so take this for what it’s worth: there is nothing of love or respect in your story. There is a man living only for himself with no concern for anyone else, using two different women and 3 children to get what he wants from life with no concern for or even awareness of their feelings. Taking you out for your birthday is tossing you just enough crumbs to keep you around. He’s using everyone in his life. He’s a bad man. I’m so sorry.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Sounds like your husband isn't serious about anyone, including you.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

husbandcheating22 said:


> he shares all the intimate details about his life to her, including bank statements he has sent to her, *helping him with investments,* job related things, helping our sons with things, *she even opened each and every one of them a bank account *when she opened up her two childrens accounts. She is too hands on to me but that to me is because like you said, she thinks he is going to leave me for her! I am his life and *I really wish she would move on!*


She opened bank accounts for your kids??? Have you ever thought about what your 18-year-old would think about his father if he found out about it? There's no guarantee that he won't. He may be a great family man but wow! what an example for his children who will likely find out when they are older.
Unfortunately, yes, I think you are still in denial. I agree with @Marc878. Rather than she moving on, you might be the one who'll be moving on. You said you wished she'd just move on. She shows zero signs of that but the opposite in fact. Maybe he'll keep you both going until he's an old man. But why are they buying real estate? Who will he choose when or if he decides? Don't be so sure that it will be you, especially when your kids are older.

She has her own kids, does she have a husband?

You really need to see a lawyer to find out where you stand. Tell him/her about their real estate, in her name!
If you don't do that, at least open a private bank account and start putting some money away, just in case you get dumped.

The situation he has engineered is astonishing, 100% control over two women and managing to portray that he's the 'perfect family man' with his SM posts. If I were you, I'd feel as if I was sitting on a time bomb.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

husbandcheating22 said:


> Our children do not know what I know so they only see the love story that we show them. I honestly think this woman is temporary and I suppose I am trying to wait out the storm, I don't see how he could throw away our years over something so trivial.


Three years is hardly temporary. Listen to your friends. I suspect this will go on until you call a halt to it, but seriously you are deluding yourself and desperately trying to excuse his behaviour. 
Social media seems to be how you judge your life. Social media is false and shallow, it means nothing. 
Your husband is a cheat and liar.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

husbandcheating22 said:


> Thank you TexasMom1216 for your response. "Being present for the children" seems to be the theme, but what do I have to do with the children. Being present for the children doesnt make him take me out for my birthday or special occasions or posting me on social media with love emotions isn't being "present for our sons" can this be explained?
> 
> I do have a job but he does make more money than I do.


Look, him posting on social media is simple -- he wants to present to the outside world that he is a great Dad, and a great Husband.
I hate to tell you this -- a great H/Dad does NOT have a full-blown affair for THREE YEARS. This isn't just sex -- he has emotions for her also. He just doesn't want OTHERS to think he is scum by cheating on his wife/kids for three years.
It's all about HIM and how he wants to be perceived.
He probably also knows you like getting posted, and is doing that to throw you off any scent that he is actually having an affair.
He may be present with you -- but that is acting and for show. I KNOW you won't believe that and will post all sorts of events and things he does, but you need to stop defending him.

If YOU are OK that he is cheating on you and will "wait around" I hate to say but you will be waiting for a long time.
He is putting on a show for everyone with you -- but SHE is the one where his real passion lies.

He is NOT BEING PRESENT for you -- he is trying to deceive and manipulate you into thinking everything is OK.
Hopefully that is clear enough for you?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

husbandcheating22 said:


> I do mind it, I really just want things to play out. I see their texts conversations and he tells her he loves her and wants her and all I think is how stupid can she be because if he loved her he would be with her and I am hoping she makes an exit. It's hurtful.


I doubt she will make an exit unless you blow this up by telling him you know about his affair. 
There are many reasons why men who are cheating don't leave their families. It doesn't mean they dont love their AP. 
I can't believe that you are just sitting back hoping that one day it will fizzle out on its own. It may well not, he may just be waiting till the children are older.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

husbandcheating22 said:


> i did post on another site but there is so many things that have been happening! On my end, thinking they were positive but I guess I am still in a state of "denial"


Sadly you are very much in denial.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Three years? She’s a relationship— not just someone he’s having sex with.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

husbandcheating22 said:


> Using her for sex, this is what I told my friend and she told me I was delusional. So you agree! The reason she says its not for sex, is because he shares all the intimate details about his life to her, including bank statements he has sent to her, helping him with investments, job related things, helping our sons with things, she even opened each and every one of them a bank account when she opened up her two childrens accounts. She is too hands on to me but that to me is because like you said, she thinks he is going to leave me for her! I am his life and I really wish she would move on!
> 
> " Your husband is a user, he's not a good person." This is a hard thing to see.


Your friend may well be right. This affair is so much more than sex. They are planning a whole future together. 
If you were his life he wouldn't be cheating. He has 2 separate women and is planning behind your back.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

husbandcheating22 said:


> We hardly have sex, but we hang out with our friends, we go to our sons events, we hang out together.


I think he just sees you as a good mate sadly.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

husbandcheating22 said:


> I do mind it, I really just want things to play out. I see their texts conversations and he tells her he loves her and wants her and all I think is how stupid can she be because if he loved her he would be with her and I am hoping she makes an exit. It's hurtful.


So how long are you going to let this 'play out?' Another year? 2? 5? 
Why are you so afraid to challenge him and demand that this affair stops? Is it because you think he may leave?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

husbandcheating22 said:


> Thank you Trident for your response. "He's with you because of the kids." I don't see him being unhappy because he is present. I don't make him go to our family events, the majority of the time he is asking about them.
> 
> Envious because we have known each other since teenagers and we are still together. We have a beautiful family and he's a great father.


this shows that he is an extremely good pretender and a phoney!

he’s going to dump you - I hope you are preparing for that day!


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Those bank accounts she opened could be so that he can divert his money and put the money in those accounts.
Do you know what money he makes/has/saves? Do you know what he spends money on?

anyway, seems odd you would post here. You’ve been on the other site for a long long time. Posters there gave you the same advice - none of which you listened to.

do you ever plan to change this terrible situation? Or do you expect to stay with this known liar/cheater as long as he will have you?

stop defending him - he’s a terrible father and husband. His actions are purposely going to ruin your family unit!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

husbandcheating22 said:


> My husband and I met in high school, we were together and then broke up and got back together, I got pregnant at 18 and he decided he wanted to always be around his child everyday and that we were going to be a family. We got married when our child turned 2. We have been married now for over a decade and I thought we were happy. We have had hiccups and honestly while we are great friends, I do feel that we are very different romantically but nothing our marriage can't fix to me. I found out he has been seeing a woman for 3 years. I have read some text messages to her and they are really really involved. He asks her opinion a lot about life matters, work matters, and from the looks of it, they started a secret business together! They even have a realtor to purchase property! My husband and I hardly have sex, and awhile ago in an argument he told me had checked out years ago but that to me is anger talking and we do have three beautiful children and he is such a great father! Ever so often, we do engage in physical intimacy and he still attends our family gatherings, outings with kids, family vacations, and even proclaims me on social media outlets knowing I love to share our relationship with our friends and family. He always makes it a point to post me on special occasions which to me always says "we are *OK*". I love to share this on my social media. He does all of these things which to me, I know this affair is temporary. He is very present!
> 
> My good friend tells me, he settled for me because of the children, he's obligated to me and if he has been with this woman for 3 years and counting, its not a fling but I just don't believe that! I guess here I am seeking any advice and if you think this 3-year relationship is real or not and how should I proceed. I do not want to ruffle any feathers because I do think this is temporary because of him being present and doesn’t miss a beat but it is very off-putting to know he is making money with this woman, she is in his personal life, I saw she helped him make multiple appointments, he goes to her for advice about everyday matters, he even shares things with her about our children! They are too intertwined to me but how intertwined could they be if he is still present with our family.
> 
> Just this past weekend, our oldest graduated and we are taking a "graduation vacation" until Thursday he has really posted me this weekend. I love when he does that. But when I looked into his phone, I saw that he made sure to see her before we left on our vacation. and he explained to her all of the activities we had planned this weekend with OUR family. He also told her he is excited to go because it is fun for our children. He told her he loved her and couldn't wait to be back from vacation to see her. I am so confused because he again has posted me all weekend, and it really makes my heart soar. What do you all think? I need all the raw advice and experience.


Your WH is emotionally and sexually involved with this woman big time and will probably eventually leave you when the kids are old enough. You need to wake up to this realisation. Just because he does 'family' things with you means absolutely nothing, it is not with YOU, it is with family and you are the mother of his kids. When is the last time he took you on a date, bought you jewellery, took you for a holiday alone?
You need to give him some shock and awe. Does he know you know about the affair? Start getting your ducks in a row.
If he is investing money with this woman, that is communal assets and you could end up bled dry and with no money when he leaves you as it will all be in her name! He is playing nice now to keep you unaware. Do not tell him you found out, go see a lawyer immediately. A man who is this conniving carrying on an affair for 3 years and pretending everything is ok with you is a devious POS and you need to play him at his game and please wake up to what he is! GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE SAND FOR GOODNESS SAKE! BTW, he is NOT a good husband or father, he is a lying, conniving, devious POS and if you cannot see that, well all is lost! 

1. Start doing the 180 on him as you need to detach and get yourself ready to lose him. No more sex with him, play nice but feign excuses. do not let him know you found out anything. Go into stealth mode.
2. Go and get an STD test.
3. Keep a copy of all the evidence of his affair. screen shot all to yourself and keep safe
4. Go see a lawyer to ascertain your rights
5. Let his family and your family and friends know (only when you pull the plug) what he has been doing, all of it. Do not cover for him. It could be common knowledge that he is just biding his time with you till the kids are grown up.
6. Start taking care of yourself, going to gym, joining other women groups, returning to college, etc. Do you have a job? Think about getting one.
7. Do your kids suspect anything?
8. Get yourself some counselling to see why you put up with this.
9. Speak to close friends/sibling for support while you figure out what next. You need to pull the trigger on this. He is a cake eater with the best of both worlds.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Beach123 said:


> Those bank accounts she opened could be so that he can divert his money and put the money in those accounts.
> Do you know what money he makes/has/saves? Do you know what he spends money on?
> 
> anyway, seems odd you would post here. You’ve been on the other site for a long long time. Posters there gave you the same advice - none of which you listened to.
> ...


OP, if this is real, follow the advice being given. If not real, good story.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

husbandcheating22 said:


> Our children do not know what I know so they only see the love story that we show them. I honestly think this woman is temporary and I suppose I am trying to wait out the storm, I don't see how he could throw away our years over something so trivial.





husbandcheating22 said:


> Using her for sex, this is what I told my friend and she told me I was delusional. So you agree! The reason she says its not for sex, is because he shares all the intimate details about his life to her, including bank statements he has sent to her, helping him with investments, job related things, helping our sons with things, she even opened each and every one of them a bank account when she opened up her two childrens accounts. She is too hands on to me but that to me is because like you said, she thinks he is going to leave me for her! I am his life and I really wish she would move on!
> 
> " Your husband is a user, he's not a good person." This is a hard thing to see.


You are in major denial. Please go and see a therapist for clarity.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Captain Obvious said:


> How is it hard to see??? He's using her for sex, he's keeping her and her vagina in the picture by telling her he loves her, even though he probably has no real intention of starting a life with her, meanwhile he's married to you at the moment. You are not his life, you are his comfort zone. Your husband is a scumbag of epic proportions. He's not not going to leave you for her, he's staying with you bc it's easier and cheaper, and he gets to have all the side sex he wants.


I do not agree entirely with this. Why is he sharing financial details with her, emotional stuff etc, it is much more than sex. He is planning his exit.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

aine said:


> I do not agree entirely with this. Why is he sharing financial details with her, emotional stuff etc, it is much more than sex. He is planning his exit.


He's had his side piece for 3 years now, he still has 14yr old and 9yr old that are years away from leaving the house. He makes more money than his wife which means if he leaves now, he's proably going to be on the hook for alimony as well as child support. He's either playing the super long game, or he's content now with having 2 relationships, control of 2 women, and no consequences bc he believes no one is the wiser. The guy is a user and manipulator. According to the OP, her husband hasn’t emotionally disconnected from her, besides banging another woman for 3 years, he’s a very loving guy. It doesn’t sound like he’s going anywhere anytime soon.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

husbandcheating22 said:


> I do mind it, I really just want things to play out. I see their texts conversations and he tells her he loves her and wants her and all I think is how stupid can she be because if he loved her he would be with her and I am hoping she makes an exit. It's hurtful.


LOL How stupid can SHE be? LOL, that is so funny. You don't even see the irony in that comment do you? She is the one getting I love yous, sex, opening a business together, etc. and SHE is the stupid one.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Guys, this lady posted on another site like @ harperlee said. The thread went on past 100 pages and she's a broken record. She's not going gto do a damned thing about it, I think she likes the attention.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Your husband is banging another woman. You’re his window dressing . You keep him respectable she keeps him horny. Clear as mud?


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

He loves her and tolerates you. 100 pages????good lord


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So it’s a case of reverse cuckolding. 
Some men like being a cuckold. Apparently some women, too.
it’s a weird world.

the guy tells his affair partner he loves her and won’t have sex with his own wife and the wife thinks the other woman is a fling? Sounds reasonable to me…..🥱


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Why haven’t you seen a counselor to help you understand why you stay when you are married to a guy who doesn’t keep his vows?

you need help with your reality processing and why you let someone treat you this way.

you need help understanding how to start a life that’s NOT based on lies and faking it for others.

you need help understanding that what people put on social media is fake and not real.


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## Lynnevicious (Apr 25, 2021)

Why in the world would you think social media is an accurate indicator of truth? In fact, it’s completely the opposite. Social media is a fantasy and a popularity contest most of the time. 

How many stories have you heard of people posting on social media about how perfect their life is only to find out how terrible their life truly is?

You seem to be not only in denial, but lack common sense as well. I think your husband knows this so he calculates his social media presence knowing how you view it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

TXTrini said:


> Guys, this lady posted on another site like @ harperlee said. The thread went on past 100 pages and she's a broken record. She's not going gto do a damned thing about it, I think she likes the attention.


Maybe trying for 200 pages?


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Openminded said:


> Maybe trying for 200 pages?


Who knows? It just a complete waste of time and energy propping up someone who doesn't want to actually do anything about their situation.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

TXTrini said:


> Who knows? It just a complete waste of time and energy propping up someone who doesn't want to actually do anything about their situation.


Yep.


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## Enigmatic (Jul 16, 2021)

I remember your story from another site.


This isn't your husband's first affair.
He married you out of duty, because of the unplanned pregnancy.
He's offered to buy you a house of your own if you will divorce him and allow him custody of the children.
You've acknowledged that your relationship is largely asexual and that you prefer other activities to sex.
He's actively planning a life with his AP: he's invested in "their" business, she manages some/all/part of his money; he sees her daily.
He's told his brother he loves his AP and plans to leave you.

You must get something out of this arrangement because there were hundreds of pages of advice on the other forum and you listened to exactly none of it. Now you're here, with an abbreviated version of the same story, acting as if posts on social media have any bearing on real life circumstances and feelings.

Your husband may stick around out of duty until your youngest is old enough to make his own choices, but your husband is clearly not in love with you. At best, he feels companionate love for you, while his romantic and sexual love is for Amanda.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

Well you could always tell him your aware of it and you’re tired of being the only house keeper so if he expects to have another woman might as well move her in the house so she can help doing cooking, cleaning and laundry. 😂
No sense in her having her cake without the responsibility that comes with it! 😁


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Enigmatic said:


> I remember your story from another site.
> 
> 
> This isn't your husband's first affair.
> ...


I don't know if she really loves him either, because her reaction to all this seems very bizarre to me.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

husbandcheating22 said:


> i did post on another site but there is so many things that have been happening! On my end, thinking they were positive but I guess I am still in a state of "denial"


Yep. You have a hopium addiction and only want to see what you want to see. You’ll probably wake up when they drop the hammer on you.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

husbandcheating22 said:


> Thank you Marc878. Isnt there an old saying such as "if a man wants to leave he will go"...he is still here. He just walked in here to tell my brother was leaving to go to the store and did I need anything, very present with our life.On vacation, his communication with her has been minimal, but mine has not. I just am all over the place with my thoughts


You are living on hopium. Not uncommon. Any excuse not to make a decision. He maybe physically there but has already left emotionally.
You are a chump only if you allow it. I suspect you’ll be devastated when they drop the hammer on you.
Right now you are successfully blinding yourself to reality.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

YOU have volunteered for this position. Because you know what’s real - yet YOU a choose to stay knowing he’s been lying, betraying you and living a double life for years!!!

when will you DO something about this farce of a life you are participating in?

you are a willing victim! YOU could do things to set this right, yet you haven’t.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

husbandcheating22 said:


> Just today we spent the day lounging by the pool and him taking photos of me posing.


He's pretending to take pictures but he's really texting his mistress.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

I understand that this is very hard to wrap your head around so I can feel for you. Maybe he loves you "in his way" as the mother of his children, but it seems that he is passionate about this other woman physically and emotionally. I think social media just projects an image and I wouldn't make any judgements based on that. Do you really want to share your husband? Also, he has not been honest at all so where is the trust? I know it is difficult to accept, horrible in fact because you know that your life is going to change if you don't sweep this under the rug. I felt my word fall apart when I read the texts because I knew things were never going to be the same...your identity, your future dreams and your family.

Give yourself some time to wrap your head around what is happening (before you approach) and see what your life would look like without him. Take a consultation with a lawyer (usually free to see your financial situation) Get all of your ducks in a row and be prepared. At the very least I would start doing the 180 so you can begin to detach and show him that you will not be disrespected. Is he willing to let you go? If yes, then chances are good he would have eventually left you anyway. I am so sorry -- I know how hard this is (really!) It sucks in fact. Try to face reality so you can become strong and independent for the life you deserve for you and your children. Hugs.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Beach123 said:


> YOU have volunteered for this position. Because you know what’s real - yet YOU a choose to stay knowing he’s been lying, betraying you and living a double life for years!!!
> 
> when will you DO something about this farce of a life you are participating in?
> 
> you are a willing victim! YOU could do things to set this right, yet you haven’t.


But he still includes her in his social media posts sometimes. So it’s fine, nothing to worry about here.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

The fact that she has opened bank accounts for your children surely proves his relationship with her is serious. Why would a person do that unless they are making plans together.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

husbandcheating22 said:


> We hardly have sex, but we hang out with our friends, we go to our sons events, we hang out together.


which makes you friends and coparents.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

husbandcheating22 said:


> I see their texts conversations and he tells her he loves her and wants her and all I think is how stupid can she be because if he loved her he would be with her and I am hoping she makes an exit. It's hurtful.


Very interesting projection. 

It may be time to get a mirror and look into it.


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## VickiH1105 (Jul 5, 2020)

husbandcheating22 said:


> My husband and I met in high school, we were together and then broke up and got back together, I got pregnant at 18 and he decided he wanted to always be around his child everyday and that we were going to be a family. We got married when our child turned 2. We have been married now for over a decade and I thought we were happy. We have had hiccups and honestly while we are great friends, I do feel that we are very different romantically but nothing our marriage can't fix to me. I found out he has been seeing a woman for 3 years. I have read some text messages to her and they are really really involved. He asks her opinion a lot about life matters, work matters, and from the looks of it, they started a secret business together! They even have a realtor to purchase property! My husband and I hardly have sex, and awhile ago in an argument he told me had checked out years ago but that to me is anger talking and we do have three beautiful children and he is such a great father! Ever so often, we do engage in physical intimacy and he still attends our family gatherings, outings with kids, family vacations, and even proclaims me on social media outlets knowing I love to share our relationship with our friends and family. He always makes it a point to post me on special occasions which to me always says "we are *OK*". I love to share this on my social media. He does all of these things which to me, I know this affair is temporary. He is very present!
> 
> My good friend tells me, he settled for me because of the children, he's obligated to me and if he has been with this woman for 3 years and counting, its not a fling but I just don't believe that! I guess here I am seeking any advice and if you think this 3-year relationship is real or not and how should I proceed. I do not want to ruffle any feathers because I do think this is temporary because of him being present and doesn’t miss a beat but it is very off-putting to know he is making money with this woman, she is in his personal life, I saw she helped him make multiple appointments, he goes to her for advice about everyday matters, he even shares things with her about our children! They are too intertwined to me but how intertwined could they be if he is still present with our family.
> 
> Just this past weekend, our oldest graduated and we are taking a "graduation vacation" until Thursday he has really posted me this weekend. I love when he does that. But when I looked into his phone, I saw that he made sure to see her before we left on our vacation. and he explained to her all of the activities we had planned this weekend with OUR family. He also told her he is excited to go because it is fun for our children. He told her he loved her and couldn't wait to be back from vacation to see her. I am so confused because he again has posted me all weekend, and it really makes my heart soar. What do you all think? I need all the raw advice and experience.


I know everyone is different, but I could not/would not put up with this affair. Perhaps she’s married too so understands his family obligations as long as they can share everything else as the time permits. He’s showing you, his wife, your marriage, your family no respect. You deserve better and it sounds like you’ve convinced yourself that you don’t and are happy with the attention he gives you. To each their own but it wouldn’t be for me. Good luck!


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## mainesqueeze (Nov 22, 2013)

Clearly you’ll believe whatever fits the fairytale you tell yourself about how much he loves you despite all evidence to the contrary. This can’t be healthy.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

mainesqueeze said:


> Clearly you’ll believe whatever fits the fairytale you tell yourself about how much he loves you despite all evidence to the contrary. This can’t be healthy.


It always amazes me what people will convince themselves of when it comes to their spouse acting terribly.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

It's not very difficult to understand: the husband likes his family and to be with his family, but he also like having a lover. He leads two lives. He gets what he needs from both. Not very uncommon.


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## hillybilly2785 (Dec 29, 2019)

husbandcheating22 said:


> They also have matching tattoos that i had no clue about because I do not look at the physical outside of his face as such.


This has to be fake.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

My guess the OP went to another forum to spread her "tale" of woe.


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

husbandcheating22 said:


> My husband and I met in high school, we were together and then broke up and got back together, I got pregnant at 18 and he decided he wanted to always be around his child everyday and that we were going to be a family. We got married when our child turned 2. We have been married now for over a decade and I thought we were happy. We have had hiccups and honestly while we are great friends, I do feel that we are very different romantically but nothing our marriage can't fix to me. I found out he has been seeing a woman for 3 years. I have read some text messages to her and they are really really involved. He asks her opinion a lot about life matters, work matters, and from the looks of it, they started a secret business together! They even have a realtor to purchase property! My husband and I hardly have sex, and awhile ago in an argument he told me had checked out years ago but that to me is anger talking and we do have three beautiful children and he is such a great father! Ever so often, we do engage in physical intimacy and he still attends our family gatherings, outings with kids, family vacations, and even proclaims me on social media outlets knowing I love to share our relationship with our friends and family. He always makes it a point to post me on special occasions which to me always says "we are *OK*". I love to share this on my social media. He does all of these things which to me, I know this affair is temporary. He is very present!
> 
> My good friend tells me, he settled for me because of the children, he's obligated to me and if he has been with this woman for 3 years and counting, its not a fling but I just don't believe that! I guess here I am seeking any advice and if you think this 3-year relationship is real or not and how should I proceed. I do not want to ruffle any feathers because I do think this is temporary because of him being present and doesn’t miss a beat but it is very off-putting to know he is making money with this woman, she is in his personal life, I saw she helped him make multiple appointments, he goes to her for advice about everyday matters, he even shares things with her about our children! They are too intertwined to me but how intertwined could they be if he is still present with our family.
> 
> Just this past weekend, our oldest graduated and we are taking a "graduation vacation" until Thursday he has really posted me this weekend. I love when he does that. But when I looked into his phone, I saw that he made sure to see her before we left on our vacation. and he explained to her all of the activities we had planned this weekend with OUR family. He also told her he is excited to go because it is fun for our children. He told her he loved her and couldn't wait to be back from vacation to see her. I am so confused because he again has posted me all weekend, and it really makes my heart soar. What do you all think? I need all the raw advice and experience.


There is 25 forms of infidelity. Social media is one of them. Start gaming each other.
Have either one of you pulled oyr the stops to seduce? Each one of you do it monthly. Get gotman therapy.


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## CupCake522 (Mar 24, 2013)

husbandcheating22 said:


> My husband and I met in high school, we were together and then broke up and got back together, I got pregnant at 18 and he decided he wanted to always be around his child everyday and that we were going to be a family. We got married when our child turned 2. We have been married now for over a decade and I thought we were happy. We have had hiccups and honestly while we are great friends, I do feel that we are very different romantically but nothing our marriage can't fix to me. I found out he has been seeing a woman for 3 years. I have read some text messages to her and they are really really involved. He asks her opinion a lot about life matters, work matters, and from the looks of it, they started a secret business together! They even have a realtor to purchase property! My husband and I hardly have sex, and awhile ago in an argument he told me had checked out years ago but that to me is anger talking and we do have three beautiful children and he is such a great father! Ever so often, we do engage in physical intimacy and he still attends our family gatherings, outings with kids, family vacations, and even proclaims me on social media outlets knowing I love to share our relationship with our friends and family. He always makes it a point to post me on special occasions which to me always says "we are *OK*". I love to share this on my social media. He does all of these things which to me, I know this affair is temporary. He is very present!
> 
> My good friend tells me, he settled for me because of the children, he's obligated to me and if he has been with this woman for 3 years and counting, its not a fling but I just don't believe that! I guess here I am seeking any advice and if you think this 3-year relationship is real or not and how should I proceed. I do not want to ruffle any feathers because I do think this is temporary because of him being present and doesn’t miss a beat but it is very off-putting to know he is making money with this woman, she is in his personal life, I saw she helped him make multiple appointments, he goes to her for advice about everyday matters, he even shares things with her about our children! They are too intertwined to me but how intertwined could they be if he is still present with our family.
> 
> Just this past weekend, our oldest graduated and we are taking a "graduation vacation" until Thursday he has really posted me this weekend. I love when he does that. But when I looked into his phone, I saw that he made sure to see her before we left on our vacation. and he explained to her all of the activities we had planned this weekend with OUR family. He also told her he is excited to go because it is fun for our children. He told her he loved her and couldn't wait to be back from vacation to see her. I am so confused because he again has posted me all weekend, and it really makes my heart soar. What do you all think? I need all the raw advice and experience.


You need to face reality your husband has grown away from you and your happy with the idea of marriage . Do you realize your sharing him with another woman you deserved better . Cut your loses and move on .Your self esteem is low by you even accepting this arrangement you said I do to one man not I do to be someone’s public display figure when it’s convenient for him not you . He’s being putting on a front for many years and trust me I bet his friends and family members are aware of her too .Don’t be a joke for him or anyone you deserve better your only married in name only trust him when he said he ck out the marriage because he was being honest . You save temporary do you understand that definition ? Temporary is not 3 years wake up .Good luck and stop making excuses for his bad behavior and for you being afraid of being alone .you don’t won’t to be the joke and that’s what your displaying by accepting his bad behavior and making excuses is this what you want to show your kids what a marriage is made of by living a lie ?


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

Thank you everyone for your posts. I have read each and every one of them. Yes, I did a post on another forum and received advice that I still read. I was advised by my counselor to post on another site because she said I seem to put a lot of stock in what others have to say based on their experiences. I don't have many to talk to so I do go online and do lots of research on this subject. And when something happens, I do want to run to a forum and give what happened to get their take on things. This past Saturday my husband did a thing on social media and really put surprised me. This was no special occasion and nothing happening but he posted "I will forever be grateful to you and will always love you. Because of you, at a young age, I knew my purpose. Thank you and I am forever indebted to you" I have been over the moon since this post. I havent been able to contact my counselor about this, but to me this is a turning point! That post was filled with so much love so of course I am hoping that he has ended things with her. I havent checked his phone since last weekend. That post to me was him finally letting off the excessive weight and realizing I am where everything lies. What do you all think?


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> Your husband is banging another woman. You’re his window dressing . You keep him respectable she keeps him horny. Clear as mud?


Can you explain this window dressing further?


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

Lynnevicious said:


> Why in the world would you think social media is an accurate indicator of truth? In fact, it’s completely the opposite. Social media is a fantasy and a popularity contest most of the time.
> 
> How many stories have you heard of people posting on social media about how perfect their life is only to find out how terrible their life truly is?
> 
> You seem to be not only in denial, but lack common sense as well. I think your husband knows this so he calculates his social media presence knowing how you view it.


Thank you. I don't think its an accurate indicator but I don't see anyone posting just to post. I post alot and I celebrate on social media alot. It is where I interact with most of our friends and family that can't see us often. Or it is where I want to keep everyone afloat. Like I put in my recent post, my husband just posted something lovely this past Saturday and I have been over the moon about it.


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

Beach123 said:


> Why haven’t you seen a counselor to help you understand why you stay when you are married to a guy who doesn’t keep his vows?
> 
> you need help with your reality processing and why you let someone treat you this way.
> 
> ...


Hello. I have a counselor and this is my third one actually. Why does everyone say "what people put on social media is fake and not real." the pictures are real, the words are real. Why is there so many that says its fake. I actually just posted what my husband said to me and dedicated to me this past weekend and I have been over the moon about it. To me it really shows his heart.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So you still believe a word that he says or types? Beyond delusional.
You won’t look at his phone because you don’t want to see reality.


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

Enigmatic said:


> I remember your story from another site.
> 
> 
> This isn't your husband's first affair.
> ...


Thank you for this post. Yes I did go to another site and I was learning from the advice. I did feel there has been a turn of events.


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

thissucks7788 said:


> I understand that this is very hard to wrap your head around so I can feel for you. Maybe he loves you "in his way" as the mother of his children, but it seems that he is passionate about this other woman physically and emotionally. I think social media just projects an image and I wouldn't make any judgements based on that. Do you really want to share your husband? Also, he has not been honest at all so where is the trust? I know it is difficult to accept, horrible in fact because you know that your life is going to change if you don't sweep this under the rug. I felt my word fall apart when I read the texts because I knew things were never going to be the same...your identity, your future dreams and your family.
> 
> Give yourself some time to wrap your head around what is happening (before you approach) and see what your life would look like without him. Take a consultation with a lawyer (usually free to see your financial situation) Get all of your ducks in a row and be prepared. At the very least I would start doing the 180 so you can begin to detach and show him that you will not be disrespected. Is he willing to let you go? If yes, then chances are good he would have eventually left you anyway. I am so sorry -- I know how hard this is (really!) It sucks in fact. Try to face reality so you can become strong and independent for the life you deserve for you and your children. Hugs.


Thank you so much. You have said exactly what I have been thinking. It has been very hard to wrap my head around things. Still. It's very hard for me to understand this part "Maybe he loves you "in his way" as the mother of his children, but it seems that he is passionate about this other woman physically and emotionally. I think social media just projects an image" For the social media part, I do not make him post, he does this on his own. And I just posted another update about the post he created for me this past Saturday. It was such a great post and i have been over the moon about it since ""I will forever be grateful to you and will always love you. Because of you, at a young age, I knew my purpose. Thank you and I am forever indebted to you" I have been thinking this is finally it! He relly has realized he loved me and we can work on us! I have not looked into his phone because to me this may be his turning point. That he has finally come to his senses. No I do not want to share my husband at all, and I dont want to be what they call a "rug sweeper".

My life without him does not seem like anything possible. We have known each over for a very long time and when we married, he has been the provider. My husband moved me into his home when I was pregnant the first time and told me we were going to do everything to make it work. I was carrying his first born son and there was nothing that would keep him away from us. I even remember that day like it was yesterday because he had a fire in him about our family that we were creating. Our pregnancy was not planned. I did not plan on getting pregnant when I did. My later teenage years, twenties and thirties have been with him and I have known him even longer. I guess this is why I am having a very hard time understanding people saying he only loves me because of our kids or that this woman seems important and someone that he loves.


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> So you still believe a word that he says or types? Beyond delusional.
> You won’t look at his phone because you don’t want to see reality.


I don't see how he would post when someone isn't making him. I am trying not to be delusional, I am trying to be logical in thinking no one has asked him to do that, he did this on his own. 

I havent looked at his phone after that post because I felt I didn't need to, that post was a loving post to me and sounds like he wants to continue our marriage .


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> It's not very difficult to understand: the husband likes his family and to be with his family, but he also like having a lover. He leads two lives. He gets what he needs from both. Not very uncommon.





Prodigal said:


> My guess the OP went to another forum to spread her "tale" of woe.


I have been heavily involved in our childrens end of year activities and now finally taking moments to myself. 

"Likes his family and likes having a lover" That seems so odd to read.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

husbandcheating22 said:


> "Likes his family and likes having a lover" That seems so odd to read.


Why is it "odd"?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

husbandcheating22 said:


> I have been heavily involved in our childrens end of year activities and now finally taking moments to myself.
> 
> "Likes his family and likes having a lover" That seems so odd to read.


It isn't odd at all, he is loving life. He has you and his family at home, then he has his romantic lover and a business partner.



husbandcheating22 said:


> I don't see how he would post when someone isn't making him. I am trying not to be delusional, I am trying to be logical in thinking no one has asked him to do that, he did this on his own.
> 
> I havent looked at his phone after that post because I felt I didn't need to, that post was a loving post to me and sounds like he wants to continue our marriage .


You are so blinded that you don't even see why he posted that. It accomplished exactly what he needed. You live in social media world, not the real world. SM is his public image and apparently how you judge him as well. He proclaims love for you and family in public on SM, while he quietly loves and has sex with his other woman in real life.



husbandcheating22 said:


> Hello. I have a counselor and this is my third one actually. Why does everyone say "what people put on social media is fake and not real." the pictures are real, the words are real. Why is there so many that says its fake. I actually just posted what my husband said to me and dedicated to me this past weekend and I have been over the moon about it. To me it really shows his heart.


SM isn't fake, but it isn't an accurate portrayal of real life. Everyone posting on SM is posting the good stuff, the stuff they want to brag about. You won't see anyone posting, "had a great weekend banging my mistress while the wife and kids sat at home" Do mom's post that their kids failed and got held back in 3rd grade? Do people post about the DUI they just got? Do wives post about how their husband played them for a fool by leaving them home while sleeping with their GF? No they don't, but it is happening. He didn't show you his heart. He showed you and everyone else what he wants them to see. He has this public persona of a loving and dedicated husband, while out of sight he is having sex with another woman and even running a business with her. The reality is he is a two-faced POS.


Your husband is living a dual life. He has you comfy at home with the kids and he has his sexual and intellectual partner on the side. The crazy part about all this is you actually know about his alternate life, yet you are so delusional that you don't seem to fully recognize it for what it is. You are living in the false reality of Social Media. My bet is you will shop around for yet another board to see if you can get the responses and advice you want to hear, not what you need.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

husbandcheating22 said:


> Hello. I have a counselor and this is my third one actually. Why does everyone say "what people put on social media is fake and not real." the pictures are real, the words are real. Why is there so many that says its fake. I actually just posted what my husband said to me and dedicated to me this past weekend and I have been over the moon about it. To me it really shows his heart.


His words are NOT real -- they are fake to "show" to the public looking at that social media what he wants them to "see" -- he is a great Husband, etc. -- while in reality, he is a cheating scum.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

husbandcheating22 said:


> I don't see how he would post when someone isn't making him. I am trying not to be delusional, I am trying to be logical in thinking no one has asked him to do that, he did this on his own.
> 
> I havent looked at his phone after that post because I felt I didn't need to, that post was a loving post to me and sounds like he wants to continue our marriage .


He's trying to look like the good guy and have it all, and you're just lapping it up. 

Why are you on your third therapist? Are you dropping them when they tell you things you don't want to hear or do they think you're impossible to work with? Serious question.




BigDaddyNY said:


> It isn't odd at all, he is loving life. He has you and his family at home, then he has his romantic lover and a business partner.
> 
> 
> You are so blinded that you don't even see why he posted that. It accomplished exactly what he needed. You live in social media world, not the real world. SM is his public image and apparently how you judge him as well. He proclaims love for you and family in public on SM, while he quietly loves and has sex with his other woman in real life.
> ...


Quote for truth! exactly what I was going to say, but OP appears to be incapable of understanding reality.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

So you're "over the moon" when your husband says positive things about you on social media.

Does he tell you these things to your face? Wouldn't that be preferable to him posting something for everyone else to see? How about giving emotional intimacy a try and not putting everything out there for public consumption?

Of course people lie on social media. Hell, people lie to each other face-to-face. Why would social media be any different?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

husbandcheating22 said:


> Thank you QuietGuy for responding. As I take it you are a guy, then why does he stay with me? In my head, he is where he wants to be. I don't beg him to stay with me, but he is extremely present in our home. He does all of our family things and never misses a beat. On our anniversary he takes me and the children out, birthdays, holidays etc. He does not spend these special occasions with her. We have known each other for over 18 years and we are a love story that most envy. Project a happy family?


He and his honey are _friends with benefits._
It sounds like these two are settled-in.

They leave their baggage and worries at home when they meet up.

Why would he not be happy?
He has his solid marriage and his sweet cake.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sadly he posts on social media what he wants others to read. He isn't even saying it directly to you. He wants others to think he is a good faithful caring husband. His actions say the opposite. 
He won't stop cheating until you stand up to him.


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Sadly he posts on social media what he wants others to read. He isn't even saying it directly to you. He wants others to think he is a good faithful caring husband. His actions say the opposite.
> He won't stop cheating until you stand up to him.


He does say things to me but not as detailed as on social media. Thank you.


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> He and his honey are _friends with benefits._
> It sounds like these two are settled-in.
> 
> They leave their baggage and worries at home when they meet up.
> ...


What I do not like, is that it seems like they have created their own baggage, which is terrifying. I do not like that they discuss money, kids, houses, our family, our children


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

Prodigal said:


> So you're "over the moon" when your husband says positive things about you on social media.
> 
> Does he tell you these things to your face? Wouldn't that be preferable to him posting something for everyone else to see? How about giving emotional intimacy a try and not putting everything out there for public consumption?
> 
> Of course people lie on social media. Hell, people lie to each other face-to-face. Why would social media be any different?


On social media as well as in person. My husband is a man of few words so I do think alot about the postings and see it as this affair has ended. We even went out just the two of us earlier this week as a delayed birthday date.


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

TXTrini said:


> He's trying to look like the good guy and have it all, and you're just lapping it up.
> 
> Why are you on your third therapist? Are you dropping them when they tell you things you don't want to hear or do they think you're impossible to work with? Serious question.
> 
> ...


My first therapist was a counselor through the church and the second counselor, I didn't feel comfortable with. It is weird though, I had a session with my counselor today and as I was so happy about our date earlier this week, she directed me to "go to the board that you recently posted on and tell me what they say about your date"


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

jlg07 said:


> His words are NOT real -- they are fake to "show" to the public looking at that social media what he wants them to "see" -- he is a great Husband, etc. -- while in reality, he is a cheating scum.


Thank you. I was telling my counselor today about our date earlier this week, he took me on a delayed birthday dinner and it was just us. I felt important and felt that all of his attention is now on me. He is a cheating scum and I am angry, but I am also ecstatic that his affair has ended.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

husbandcheating22 said:


> Thank you. I was telling my counselor today about our date earlier this week, he took me on a delayed birthday dinner and it was just us. I felt important and felt that all of his attention is now on me. He is a cheating scum and I am angry, but I am also ecstatic that his affair has ended.


How do you know his affair REALLY has ended? He took you on a date -- big deal. He is still playing the "loving husband" game to mollify you.


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

I had a session with my counselor today and as I was telling her about everything and how things have been, I mentioned our date earlier this week.It was for a delayed birthday dinner. No children, just us. She asked me how did the date make me feel and I told her it made me feel important, seen and loved. Then she asked me how does him talking to another woman about making finances together outside of our marriage makes me feel. And I told her angry and sad. She then asked me about the date and again and so I told her how wonderful it was! She then directed me to go to the forum I am currently on and tell it and then report back to her at our session on Monday. It is weird to me but here I am. Yes I did love our date and it showed alot.


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

jlg07 said:


> How do you know his affair REALLY has ended? He took you on a date -- big deal. He is still playing the "loving husband" game to mollify you.


Honestly, I just thought so because of what we have been doing as of lately. I really want to look at his phone but trying really hard not to because I do feel he will be focused on our family now.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

So he hasn't actually admitted to the affair?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

husbandcheating22 said:


> Thank you. I was telling my counselor today about our date earlier this week, he took me on a delayed birthday dinner and it was just us. I felt important and felt that all of his attention is now on me. He is a cheating scum and I am angry, but I am also ecstatic that his affair has ended.


It's highly unlikely that it's ended.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

He looks like a decent guy sticking with you but he really wants to leave with the woman he’s humiliating you with. He’s a liar. He’s lying because he wants to lie and you’re putting up with it. Words mean nothing while cheatjng


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

husbandcheating22 said:


> Hello. I have a counselor and this is my third one actually. Why does everyone say "what people put on social media is fake and not real." the pictures are real, the words are real. Why is there so many that says its fake. I actually just posted what my husband said to me and dedicated to me this past weekend and I have been over the moon about it. To me it really shows his heart.


Let me give you a little insight into how keyboards work -

You see, since you have started posting, I have been reading all of your posts and your insights and how you present yourself and even though I have been resisting it will my might, I have fallen in love with you. I know it's crazy and that grown men should not act like this but I can't help it, I have fallen so hard it goes beyond all reason. I yearn to be with you and cannot eat or sleep as my thoughts are consumed with the thought of being with you. 

You should probably know a little more about me. I hold multiple advanced degrees in a number of different disciplines. I developed a number of tech companies from the ground up and sold them at a remarkable profit and now have several homes throughout the Bahamas, Europe and the Mediterranean which I travel to regularly via my private jets and yacht with full crew. 

I am 6'3", 225lbs and am a competitive bodybuilder and have done some part time work as a fitness model and have appeared on the cover of a number of fitness magazines. 

I am planning on spending a few weeks on my yacht in the Mediterranean later this month and would like you to join me so we can further get to know each other as we explore many of the islands together. 

If this something you wish to look into, let me know and I will send my staff to pick you up in my limo to take you to your nearest airport where one of my private jets will be waiting to bring you to me so we can begin our lives together. 

OK, I just wrote that in literally 5 minutes while pulling it all out of my butt as I was writing it. It is equally easy to make a similar post on social media. All you do is simply simply type out the words on a keyboard or keypad. Anyone can literally say anything but that does not mean that a single word is reality.


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

Prodigal said:


> So he hasn't actually admitted to the affair?


No he has not. He doesn't know I have known.


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> He looks like a decent guy sticking with you but he really wants to leave with the woman he’s humiliating you with. He’s a liar. He’s lying because he wants to lie and you’re putting up with it. Words mean nothing while cheatjng


Thank you


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> Let me give you a little insight into how keyboards work -
> 
> You see, since you have started posting, I have been reading all of your posts and your insights and how you present yourself and even though I have been resisting it will my might, I have fallen in love with you. I know it's crazy and that grown men should not act like this but I can't help it, I have fallen so hard it goes beyond all reason. I yearn to be with you and cannot eat or sleep as my thoughts are consumed with the thought of being with you.
> 
> ...


Thank you. I understand that people can type anything, its the words, his actions, my husband is currently at home with me playing video games with our children, he is not anywhere he isnt supposed to be. Last night we had family game night, we all played monopoly. The kids retired to their rooms and we went in OUR bed and went to sleep. My husband isn't out at night with her, or missing any of our events. He took me on a date earlier this week, he is showing his love publicly. This is why I put so much on social media because it is all of what I just said. He is at home with me.


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> It's highly unlikely that it's ended.


I have been dying to look at his phone and trying to live in my intuition of thinking things have changed and he finally is done with that nonsense. While he is playing with the kids, I am going to look.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

husbandcheating22 said:


> I have been dying to look at his phone and trying to live in my intuition of thinking things have changed and he finally is done with that nonsense. While he is playing with the kids, I am going to look.


Good idea.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

husbandcheating22 said:


> Honestly, I just thought so because of what we have been doing as of lately. I really want to look at his phone but trying really hard not to because I do feel he will be focused on our family now.


You are burying your head -- if you think you can find out info on his phone, then LOOK. You don't know what you are dealing with -- you need that information to help you with your therapy. I know it's tough but you NEED to know what is REALLY going on. I don't want you to be blindsided.
If he's been setting up financial stuff with her, then I doubt it just "went away".


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

The sad thing is that even if it is carrying on you probably won't do a thing.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

husbandcheating22 said:


> My first therapist was a counselor through the church and the second counselor, I didn't feel comfortable with. It is weird though, I had a session with my counselor today and as I was so happy about our date earlier this week, she directed me to "go to the board that you recently posted on and tell me what they say about your date"


I don’t think a real counselor/therapist would EVER advise someone to seek input on serious marital issues on an online forum.

I would assume they would strongly urge you NOT to seek advice online while you are under their care. 

This would be akin to an oncologist telling a cancer patient to look up and see what they can find out about cancer on a chat forum.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> I don’t think a real counselor/therapist would EVER advise someone to seek input on serious marital issues on an online forum.
> 
> I would assume they would strongly urge you NOT to seek advice online while you are under their care.
> 
> This would be akin to an oncologist telling a cancer patient to look up and see what they can find out about cancer on a chat forum.


Maybe she knows that people will tell her she is being deceived and lied to.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Maybe she knows that people will tell her she is being deceived and lied to.


I don't think any legitimate, professional provider would tell a client to consult an online discussion forum on a matter as serious as infidelity. 

Professional providers are obligated to advise their patients and clients to NOT seek medical, psychological or in this case emotional or relationship advice from unknown laypersons on the internet.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

husbandcheating22 said:


> ... he took me on a delayed birthday dinner and it was just us. *I felt important and felt that all of his attention is now on me. He is a cheating scum and I am angry, but I am also ecstatic *that his affair has ended.


So both of you are into appearances only, superficiality, and living a lie. Why am I not buying this? Your husband committed adultery, and you're angry but willing to feel so thrilled by "his attention" that he doesn't have to face the consequences for his actions. Yeah, right ....

Bet you're just a real happy camper that after boinking some other woman, he's decided to just turn his attentions back to you. Real class guy you got there.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Of you get into his phone, report back on what you find if you feel like it. 
Surely nobody on the planet can be this delusional, gullible, and naive all at the same time.

1you know he’s having an affair
2 he hasn’t admitted to the affair
3 you have no reason whatsoever to believe he has stopped the affair.

btw, how was the sex after the birthday date?
I’m guessing there was none. He won’t cheat on his AP, just you.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> I don't think any legitimate, professional provider would tell a client to consult an online discussion forum on a matter as serious as infidelity.
> 
> Professional providers are obligated to advise their patients and clients to NOT seek medical, psychological or in this case emotional or relationship advice from unknown laypersons on the internet.


You're right, I was thinking the same thing. No counselor would advise a woman like this, that' lives in SM land, to go to multiple website to seek opinions from anonymous people. It makes absolutely no sense.

I real.counselor would likely be telling her to stay as far away as possible for the web and SM.


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## harperlee (May 1, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> I don’t think a real counselor/therapist would EVER advise someone to seek input on serious marital issues on an online forum.
> 
> I would assume they would strongly urge you NOT to seek advice online while you are under their care.
> 
> This would be akin to an oncologist telling a cancer patient to look up and see what they can find out about cancer on a chat forum.


Sanity.


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

jlg07 said:


> You are burying your head -- if you think you can find out info on his phone, then LOOK. You don't know what you are dealing with -- you need that information to help you with your therapy. I know it's tough but you NEED to know what is REALLY going on. I don't want you to be blindsided.
> If he's been setting up financial stuff with her, then I doubt it just "went away".


I did look after we went on another date, he surprised me with another outing.


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> I don’t think a real counselor/therapist would EVER advise someone to seek input on serious marital issues on an online forum.
> 
> I would assume they would strongly urge you NOT to seek advice online while you are under their care.
> 
> This would be akin to an oncologist telling a cancer patient to look up and see what they can find out about cancer on a chat forum.


@oldshirt @Diana7 @BigDaddyNY 
My therapist in her exact words said and I have told her this wasn't true "You live on the internet so if the real people in your life such as myself are trying to redirect your focus then maybe your reality can and that is socially on the net"


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> Of you get into his phone, report back on what you find if you feel like it.
> Surely nobody on the planet can be this delusional, gullible, and naive all at the same time.
> 
> 1you know he’s having an affair
> ...


We did not have sex after our date earlier this week or this evening. We went out tonight, picked up our children afterwards, and then went home and he played video games with our oldest sons until they all fell asleep on the couch.

I was thinking he stopped the affair because of his actions as of lately, wanting to go out, doing delayed birthday outings for me. I am going to post what I found in his phone now


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

I did look at his phone after we came back from what I thought originally was a great night. From his call log, he called her a couple of hours before WE had left for our date. His call log in general is filled with her. They talk for hours on end and I am disgusted. If I was to add up the time they talked this week alone on the phone, it is about 20-25 hours this week. 1 hour here, 22 hours there, another hour here. He has a JOB! He goes to work every single day and from what I knew, she has a career too. You would think they get paid to talk on the phone!!!!!!!! I looked at the week prior and it was the same thing!

I went into his text messages and I took screenshots-he is telling her she is his favorite person, other things I just can't type. He is so emotional in her texts to her!!!!! I read I love you a million times. They talk about our family, her family, he sent her pictures of everything our family has done in the past month!!!! None of me but my children! His parents, his cousins. The day after our date, he described to her as "It wasn't a date babe, I just took her out because she is the mother of my children." "The post I created, she does a lot for our children and she always wants to be acknowledged online so before she could ask me, I did it or do it" "I do think she is a great person, I do love her, I am just not in love with her and I appreciate her presence in our children lives as well as mine, so when I said she helped me find my purpose, she did, my children. You know I would lay my whole life on the line for those boys, they helped me grow up, they helped me become a man and I will always be grateful to her and love her for that" Her response was "I am forever grateful to the father of my children as well, but she doesn't understand that you don't see her in that way, she is moving as she always has correct? I do believe a woman has intuition and she probably has a feeling, but she most likely chooses to ignore it because from what you tell me, she likes the tale of you two being teenage loves and you being still together even if things are not as they seem" WHY ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT ME and OUR MARRIAGE???????????????????? She told him she was hurt by the post even though he explained it to her and hurt that he is taking me out. The things he wrote to her, the fact that he is showing empathy and continuously telling her he loves her and he knows its hard. WHY ARE YOU EXPLAINING ANYTHING TO THIS WOMAN??????????!!! WHO CARES IF SHE IS MAD!!!! SHE ISN'T ANYONE THAT YOU SHOULD BE CONCERNED WITH!!!! She asked him why is he taking me out and his response was "because I have to" "I have to take her out, I have to show appreciation towards her, I have to do the events" One of our children had came in at that time and I had to put the phone away.


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

I know I have fallen for his lies, but she is stupid as well! Things like "It wasn't a date babe, I just took her out because she is the mother of my children." IT IS CLEAR AS DAY THAT WE HAVE BEEN GOING ON DATES!

"I do think she is a great person, I do love her, I am just not in love with her and I appreciate her presence in our children lives as well as mine, so when I said she helped me find my purpose, she did, my children."THIS SOUNDS LIKE IT IS OFF A MOVIE! 

She told him she was hurt by the post even though he explained it to her and hurt that he is taking me out. I AM HIS WIFE SHE IS NOTHING BUT A SEX TOY! HOW DARE SHE!


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

AND TO MAKE MATTERS WORST- he told me he has to work later today, he took me out last night but has a whole day planned out with her! What he doesn't know, I am going to change that! And who would want to go out with someone who just had a date with his wife????????!!!!


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Seek the truth and the truth shall set you free.

Now you know.

i am sorry this is happening to you 😞


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Most of us here (if not all of us) know you are still being deceived but yet you do nothing. He will carry on seeing her until you act.
In your place I would give him the choice her or me and if he choose her then tell him to leave. You know what is going on, you have tons of proof and it's been three years. How long are you going to put up with his appalling behaviour?


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Most of us here (if not all of us) know you are still being deceived but yet you do nothing. He will carry on seeing her until you act.
> In your place I would give him the choice her or me and if he choose her then tell him to leave. You know what is going on, you have tons of proof and it's been three years. How long are you going to put up with his appalling behaviour?


I really did and still think he is lying to her and she is temporary. Look at the things he is telling her, "it is not a date" clearly we went out on a date. 

I may sound crazy and this may be my denial showing but he is going out on dates with me, telling her they are not dates and comes home. I am still disgusted. I don't understand why he would want to do this to someone that he loves.


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> Seek the truth and the truth shall set you free.
> 
> Now you know.
> 
> i am sorry this is happening to you 😞


Thank you


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

husbandcheating22 said:


> I really did and still think he is lying to her and she is temporary. Look at the things he is telling her, "it is not a date" clearly we went out on a date.
> 
> I may sound crazy and this may be my denial showing but he is going out on dates with me, telling her they are not dates and comes home. I am still disgusted. I don't understand why he would want to do this to someone that he loves.


He’s lying to both of you. He is doing just what we’ve told you. He has a woman that is a great wife, but you’re not enough. He wants two women to have sex with, talk to, tell him he’s such a great guy, etc etc. who wouldn’t want that? He’s going to keep this going as long as he can. He thinks If his AP ears him out or leaves him, he will just get you to take him back because he’s so awesome.

The truth is that you should divorce him, get a shark lawyer and take him for all he’s worth. Abd the AP deserves what she gets because she’s immoral enough and stupid enough to be with a married man.

Knock his ass off the pedestal you have him on in your mind and send him packing. He does not love you, as you can see.

And btw, I’m very sorry. I know you’re hurting. But surely you see that he’s a bad person who is using you. You sound like a wonderful woman. Divorce him and find a man that values your loyalty as he should.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

husbandcheating22 said:


> AND TO MAKE MATTERS WORST- he told me he has to work later today, he took me out last night but has a whole day planned out with her! What he doesn't know, I am going to change that! And who would want to go out with someone who just had a date with his wife????????!!!!


I'm really sorry, but hopefully this jolt of reality will help you make the decisions/actions you need to protect yourself/family, and start moving on from him.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

husbandcheating22 said:


> I really did and still think he is lying to her and she is temporary. Look at the things he is telling her, "it is not a date" clearly we went out on a date.
> 
> I may sound crazy and this may be my denial showing but he is going out on dates with me, telling her they are not dates and comes home. I am still disgusted. I don't understand why he would want to do this to someone that he loves.


You need to start believing what he says to her. It's sad how deluded you are, really sad. It's been three years, three years.
It's hard to believe that someone could be so naive and still be waiting and hoping that he will stop the affair after this long. 
How can you live with his lies and deception day after day? With a man who lies to you deceives you and betrays you? I just don't get it.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

husbandcheating22 said:


> I did look at his phone after we came back from what I thought originally was a great night. From his call log, he called her a couple of hours before WE had left for our date. His call log in general is filled with her. They talk for hours on end and I am disgusted. If I was to add up the time they talked this week alone on the phone, it is about 20-25 hours this week. 1 hour here, 22 hours there, another hour here. He has a JOB! He goes to work every single day and from what I knew, she has a career too. You would think they get paid to talk on the phone!!!!!!!! I looked at the week prior and it was the same thing!
> 
> I went into his text messages and I took screenshots-he is telling her she is his favorite person, other things I just can't type. He is so emotional in her texts to her!!!!! I read I love you a million times. They talk about our family, her family, he sent her pictures of everything our family has done in the past month!!!! None of me but my children! His parents, his cousins. The day after our date, he described to her as "It wasn't a date babe, I just took her out because she is the mother of my children." "The post I created, she does a lot for our children and she always wants to be acknowledged online so before she could ask me, I did it or do it" "I do think she is a great person, I do love her, I am just not in love with her and I appreciate her presence in our children lives as well as mine, so when I said she helped me find my purpose, she did, my children. You know I would lay my whole life on the line for those boys, they helped me grow up, they helped me become a man and I will always be grateful to her and love her for that" Her response was "I am forever grateful to the father of my children as well, but she doesn't understand that you don't see her in that way, she is moving as she always has correct? I do believe a woman has intuition and she probably has a feeling, but she most likely chooses to ignore it because from what you tell me, she likes the tale of you two being teenage loves and you being still together even if things are not as they seem" WHY ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT ME and OUR MARRIAGE???????????????????? She told him she was hurt by the post even though he explained it to her and hurt that he is taking me out. The things he wrote to her, the fact that he is showing empathy and continuously telling her he loves her and he knows its hard. WHY ARE YOU EXPLAINING ANYTHING TO THIS WOMAN??????????!!! WHO CARES IF SHE IS MAD!!!! SHE ISN'T ANYONE THAT YOU SHOULD BE CONCERNED WITH!!!! She asked him why is he taking me out and his response was "because I have to" "I have to take her out, I have to show appreciation towards her, I have to do the events" One of our children had came in at that time and I had to put the phone away.


1. You have taken screenshots of these chats?

2. You have saved these screenshots in a USB drive?

Do the above on priority basis.

Remove these screenshots from the smartphone of your husband after storing them in a USB drive. He should NOT know (that you know) before you decide to confront him.

Even if he suspects something, you do the above on priority basis.

3. Is the Other Woman (OW) married?

4. Do you have her contact information, and know where she works and/or where she lives?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

My suggestion is to never, ever confront.
What would the goal be?
A) to get then to be sorry for what they’ve done, admit their error, apologize to you, and take them back. (Worst possible outcome)
B). Get your anger out, but at the same time, give them ample opportunity to get their ducks in a row as far as warning the AP, getting an attorney, moving bank funds, etc? (Not good either)
C) Get your anger out, they respond with lies and ********, gaslight you and make you even more upset?

My advice is to see an attorney, do exactly as they advise (a good one will give you lots of advice you can use, a bad one is lazy and inexperienced, and gives little advice). Serve him with papers without ever saying a word, respond to no questions other than “Get an attorney. Your attorney can contact my attorney. FU”


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## Enigmatic (Jul 16, 2021)

husbandcheating22 said:


> I did look at his phone after we came back from what I thought originally was a great night. From his call log, he called her a couple of hours before WE had left for our date. His call log in general is filled with her. They talk for hours on end and I am disgusted. If I was to add up the time they talked this week alone on the phone, it is about 20-25 hours this week. 1 hour here, 22 hours there, another hour here. He has a JOB! He goes to work every single day and from what I knew, she has a career too. You would think they get paid to talk on the phone!!!!!!!! I looked at the week prior and it was the same thing!
> 
> I went into his text messages and I took screenshots-he is telling her she is his favorite person, other things I just can't type. He is so emotional in her texts to her!!!!! I read I love you a million times. They talk about our family, her family, he sent her pictures of everything our family has done in the past month!!!! None of me but my children! His parents, his cousins. The day after our date, he described to her as "It wasn't a date babe, I just took her out because she is the mother of my children." "The post I created, she does a lot for our children and she always wants to be acknowledged online so before she could ask me, I did it or do it" "I do think she is a great person, I do love her, I am just not in love with her and I appreciate her presence in our children lives as well as mine, so when I said she helped me find my purpose, she did, my children. You know I would lay my whole life on the line for those boys, they helped me grow up, they helped me become a man and I will always be grateful to her and love her for that" Her response was "I am forever grateful to the father of my children as well, but she doesn't understand that you don't see her in that way, she is moving as she always has correct? I do believe a woman has intuition and she probably has a feeling, but she most likely chooses to ignore it because from what you tell me, she likes the tale of you two being teenage loves and you being still together even if things are not as they seem" WHY ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT ME and OUR MARRIAGE???????????????????? She told him she was hurt by the post even though he explained it to her and hurt that he is taking me out. The things he wrote to her, the fact that he is showing empathy and continuously telling her he loves her and he knows its hard. WHY ARE YOU EXPLAINING ANYTHING TO THIS WOMAN??????????!!! WHO CARES IF SHE IS MAD!!!! SHE ISN'T ANYONE THAT YOU SHOULD BE CONCERNED WITH!!!! She asked him why is he taking me out and his response was "because I have to" "I have to take her out, I have to show appreciation towards her, I have to do the events" One of our children had came in at that time and I had to put the phone away.


I think your husband is being truthful in his way. He likely is grateful to you as the mother of his children. And perhaps he loves you in a companionate, platonic way. as you yourself have said, you do not have sex with your husband and, in fact, you've said you prefer it this way. In contrast, what he feels for Amanda is romantic love, complete with sexual desire. 

Amanda is pretty accurate in her assessment of you. It's time for you to face up to the reality that has been in front of you for pretty much your entire marriage. Recall that your husband married you only because you were pregnant, that he has had other affairs, that he's tried to extricate himself from you in the past. What keeps him in your home is not his love for you but his desire to be a full-time dad to his boys. 



husbandcheating22 said:


> I know I have fallen for his lies, but she is stupid as well! Things like "It wasn't a date babe, I just took her out because she is the mother of my children." IT IS CLEAR AS DAY THAT WE HAVE BEEN GOING ON DATES!
> 
> "I do think she is a great person, I do love her, I am just not in love with her and I appreciate her presence in our children lives as well as mine, so when I said she helped me find my purpose, she did, my children."THIS SOUNDS LIKE IT IS OFF A MOVIE!
> 
> She told him she was hurt by the post even though he explained it to her and hurt that he is taking me out. I AM HIS WIFE SHE IS NOTHING BUT A SEX TOY! HOW DARE SHE!


It's good to see you getting angry but your anger is misplaced. You should be angry with your husband!

FTR, I would not call your outings "dates," either. A date has a romantic component and that appears to be lacking in your interactions with your husband. I think he is being honest when he tells Amanda that these are not dates. Rather, they are appeasements. Your husband has figured out how easy it is to throw you off his trail. Look at how elated you were when he threw together a post on social media! 



husbandcheating22 said:


> I really did and still think he is lying to her and she is temporary. Look at the things he is telling her, "it is not a date" clearly we went out on a date.
> 
> I may sound crazy and this may be my denial showing but he is going out on dates with me, telling her they are not dates and comes home. I am still disgusted. I don't understand why he would want to do this to someone that he loves.


Yes, you are in denial. Many years worth of denial. When are you going to start prioritizing your own well-being? Or is your plan to wear blinders until the inevitable day when your husband announces that he is leaving for good? It sounds as though Amanda is close to the end of her rope, so it seems that day may be coming sooner rather than later.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

husbandcheating22 said:


> WHY ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT ME and OUR MARRIAGE????????????????????


Uh, because he's having an AFFAIR with her that consists of physical and emotional intimacy. Make a sincere attempt to find your dignity and self-respect and quit believing that these "dates" he takes you on are going to be enough to sustain your marriage.



husbandcheating22 said:


> WHY ARE YOU EXPLAINING ANYTHING TO THIS WOMAN??????????!!! WHO CARES IF SHE IS MAD!!!! SHE ISN'T ANYONE THAT YOU SHOULD BE CONCERNED WITH!!!! *She asked him why is he taking me out and his response was "because I have to" "I have to take her out, I have to show appreciation towards her,* I have to do the events" One of our children had came in at that time and I had to put the phone away.


I can't figure out if this story you're telling us is a load of crap or if you are actually this delusional and (sorry to say) stupid. Basically, what he's telling her is that you're the mother of his children and he feels obligated to toss you a bone of kindness every now and then.

HE'S A CAKE EATER. He gets his ego stroked (as well as other parts of his body) by two women. He can apparently keep you dangling by taking you out on a "date." Heck, he doesn't even have to bother having sex with you as long as he tosses a pork chop, a side salad, and maybe even a slab of apple pie in your direction.

Again, I have serious doubts that this entire story is real, but if it is, then all I can tell you is you need to get off social media and find a REAL life. And I'd consider ditching the counselor. Doesn't sound like he/she is exactly doing a bang-up job, considering that you're living with - and apparently staying with - a man who has no respect whatsoever for you. SMH


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

Evinrude58 said:


> My suggestion is to never, ever confront.
> What would the goal be?
> A) to get then to be sorry for what they’ve done, admit their error, apologize to you, and take them back. (Worst possible outcome)
> B). Get your anger out, but at the same time, give them ample opportunity to get their ducks in a row as far as warning the AP, getting an attorney, moving bank funds, etc? (Not good either)
> ...


This woman have found incriminating evidence of the affair of her husband in his smartphone. The husband will not be able to gaslight her when confronted.

It is important for her to preserve such evidence in a USB drive - she will need it.

Confrontation is necessary because the wife is parenting her kids and she needs to teach them that cheating is wrong/immoral/unacceptable/destructive. They must know what dear daddy was doing and why he was served with divorce papers. They should NOT blame her for blowing up their home/household/family-unit when the time comes. Divorce affects everybody in a family-unit.

The wife might not be able to cut-off her husband from the lives of her kids because he is their father and she cannot change this reality - he have legal rights as well. But she can do something about the OW.

What if the wife moves out and the OW moves in? How would the wife feel about her kids in company of the OW? It might be helpful to blow up her world as well. She should be outed in her workspace and/or to her husband (if she is married). She is also responsible for hurting this woman and damaging her family-unit.

kids should be protected and taught what is right. This is important for their development.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I don’t disagree with you other than to do all this after she has a plan in place and then confront with witnesses and such present when he’s served. All the telling of kids and family is best done not during the confrontation in my humble opinion, but I agree that’s part of a good plan is to lay the hammer of truth down hard, fast, simultaneously so that he will have to do his spin attempts after the truth is told, and shown. I also totally agree with saving evidence. I just don’t see the purpose of a big confrontation when kicking to the curb needs to happen. A ghosting would be my preferred method. But since I’d be emotional too, I’d probably confront. I don’t think it’s the best thing though. Confronting is showing then you care what they have to say. I wouldn’t in this case. She’s read enough of his thoughts.

And yes, I’d want to burn the OW at the stake but her husband owns more responsibility. Def out her for who she is.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

husbandcheating22 said:


> I know I have fallen for his lies, but she is stupid as well! Things like "It wasn't a date babe, I just took her out because she is the mother of my children." IT IS CLEAR AS DAY THAT WE HAVE BEEN GOING ON DATES!
> 
> "I do think she is a great person, I do love her, I am just not in love with her and I appreciate her presence in our children lives as well as mine, so when I said she helped me find my purpose, she did, my children."THIS SOUNDS LIKE IT IS OFF A MOVIE!
> 
> She told him she was hurt by the post even though he explained it to her and hurt that he is taking me out. I AM HIS WIFE SHE IS NOTHING BUT A SEX TOY! HOW DARE SHE!


Sadly she isn't the stupid one, guess what that makes you? It wasn't a romantic date. He just took you out to continue the farce and make you think all is good. The reality is he is no longer, maybe never, in love with you. You are the caretaker of his children. You were the vessel needed to create his purpose in life, his kids. She is his lover, the woman he is romantically in love with and it seems more intellectually engaged with. 

You are fooling yourself if you think she is just his sex toy. He definitely loves sex with her, but she is much more than that. It has been going on for years, they have a business together, they are a couple, plain and simple. I actually think he has more love for her than you. You are just a tool for him. He needs you to care for the kids while he dates his girlfriend. He is really got it all going on. Why are you directing so much anger at her and not your husband. You are allowing yourself to be treated like a doormat by him. Yes you should be angry at her, but that anger should pale in comparison to the anger at him. 

Now, when you end up confronting him I'm afraid no matter what evidence you have he is going to lie his ass off and you will buy it lock, stock and barrel. It is so apparent that you are naïve, gullible and high on hopium. So, you need to either go to a lawyer and don't even talk to him, just have him served, or prepare to be married to a man you are sharing with another woman.


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## acrossthepond01 (7 mo ago)

If someone is "just your sex toy" - you do NOT talk to them for 20+ hours a week and share intimate details of your life as well as I Love You's with them. This is not a casual relationship that will disappear, especially not if you sit around and do nothing about it. Your husband has his wife and close friend who stays at home, watches the kids, and he gets to live the "family life" with which I'm sure he truly enjoys but it's not enough for him. So, he has his girlfriend who fulfills the other needs he has such as deep conversations, emotional and physical intimacy, passion, and business savvy with. Your husband has the BEST of both worlds right now, there is NO WAY he is giving that up on his own accord.

What it does mean is that you are both fundamentally incompatible because has additional needs in his life that are not being met in the marriage. You also have additional needs that are not being met such as having a faithful husband which this man is not and has never been given his other affairs.

As someone mentioned, a proper date between a couple has a romantic element to it and it sounds as if your "dates" are nothing more than going out for a meal with a close friend. I am a woman and I go out to eat with male friends - that does not make it a date and this is what your husband feels about going out to eat with you, it's a meal with his close friend and roommate, with which he raises the kids together with. He does not see you in a romantic light, sorry.


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> He’s lying to both of you. He is doing just what we’ve told you. He has a woman that is a great wife, but you’re not enough. He wants two women to have sex with, talk to, tell him he’s such a great guy, etc etc. who wouldn’t want that? He’s going to keep this going as long as he can. He thinks If his AP ears him out or leaves him, he will just get you to take him back because he’s so awesome.
> 
> The truth is that you should divorce him, get a shark lawyer and take him for all he’s worth. Abd the AP deserves what she gets because she’s immoral enough and stupid enough to be with a married man.
> 
> ...


Thank you.


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> You need to start believing what he says to her. It's sad how deluded you are, really sad. It's been three years, three years.
> It's hard to believe that someone could be so naive and still be waiting and hoping that he will stop the affair after this long.
> How can you live with his lies and deception day after day? With a man who lies to you deceives you and betrays you? I just don't get it.


Thank you. Yes I do think 3 years is nothing compared to our history. We have a very detailed history so three years I was hoping was extremely temporary seeing that he still chose to be here with our family. I didn't think I was being naive, I was just looking at my husband every night still choose to come home to me.

Reading those last messages was very hurtful and I am still having anxiety on bringing this up. Our families would be crushed. Our children would be crushed. I am crushed. After years in our teenage years he finally chose me, I had been waiting and he chose me and we got pregnant and not on purpose. We have been in each other lives, half of our lives.


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

LeGenDary_Man said:


> 1. You have taken screenshots of these chats?
> 
> 2. You have saved these screenshots in a USB drive?
> 
> ...


I do have some screenshots of some of these text messages. I have not saved them on a USB drive.

She is not married. She has children from a previous long term relationship. I never went under her number to see and I know she owns a business, I think a restaurant.


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

Enigmatic said:


> I think your husband is being truthful in his way. He likely is grateful to you as the mother of his children. And perhaps he loves you in a companionate, platonic way. as you yourself have said, you do not have sex with your husband and, in fact, you've said you prefer it this way. In contrast, what he feels for Amanda is romantic love, complete with sexual desire.
> 
> Amanda is pretty accurate in her assessment of you. It's time for you to face up to the reality that has been in front of you for pretty much your entire marriage. Recall that your husband married you only because you were pregnant, that he has had other affairs, that he's tried to extricate himself from you in the past. What keeps him in your home is not his love for you but his desire to be a full-time dad to his boys.
> 
> ...


My husband has never told me he married me because I was pregnant. But he did tell her that was a driving force. I did sweep that under the rugh thinking he was lying to her to make it "look good".

No I do not have sex with him. I don't get why there is such a huge concentration on sex. We are married. He didnt marry me for the sex so why would that dictate the kind of love he has for me? 

Yes I am very angry and I am mad at him!

I can;t beleive he even takes the time to EXPLAIN anything to her. He doesn't owe her ANYTHING! 

Thank you.


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

Prodigal said:


> Uh, because he's having an AFFAIR with her that consists of physical and emotional intimacy. Make a sincere attempt to find your dignity and self-respect and quit believing that these "dates" he takes you on are going to be enough to sustain your marriage.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Unfortunately, this is my life. I don't understand why anyone would think this would be made up or crap. Like I posted, in our teenage years I waited for this man to choose me and he finally did. Yes I got pregnant early but he chose me before the pregnancy. We were dating. We have been together since and to break up our home over b/s is a bit difficult for me.Our families, friends, everyone, our children! Half of our lives over a couple of years! This is hard!


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

@husbandcheating22 you seem to be hopeless and beyond help. Sorry, and good luck.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

husbandcheating22 said:


> I do have some screenshots of some of these text messages. I have not saved them on a USB drive.
> 
> She is not married. She has children from a previous long term relationship. I never went under her number to see and I know she owns a business, I think a restaurant.


Thanks for the update.

Please preserve this evidence on a USB drive, and keep it in your purse or somewhere safe. You should prepare yourself for any eventuality now.

How old are her children? Any teenager among them? Try to collect as much information about this woman (and her family) as possible for you - try not to get caught in the process. You can hire a PI (Private investigator) for the needful. You should know who she is, and what you can do to EXPOSE her when the time comes. There should be consequences for her REPUTATION as well.

Your husband is a piece of work (about time you accept this) *but* this woman is at fault as well. You should be concerned about how to protect your children. They should not be under the spell of this woman.

You should talk to a lawyer just in case, to learn about your options.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

LeGenDary_Man said:


> Thanks for the update.
> 
> Please preserve this evidence on a USB drive, and keep it in your purse or somewhere safe. You should prepare yourself for any eventuality now.
> 
> ...


She doesn't want to talk to a lawyer. She wants to believe that his SM posts mean he is sooo in love with her and his GF of 3 years will just magically go away. She is just totally delusional.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

I believe she has gone round and round just like this on more than one marriage/infidelity site getting all the same advice. She just doesn't want to hear it.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

husbandcheating22 said:


> I don't understand why anyone would think this would be made up or crap.


Because anyone with any common sense would be checking and verifying to confirm their suspicions of their spouse cheating. And once they had reasonable proof - which you claim to have - they would put an end to it. They certainly wouldn't be going on sexless date nights. Believe it or not, most normal people want to know the truth, live the truth, and embrace the truth. They don't run around from one internet site to another asking for advice they don't want to believe or hear.



husbandcheating22 said:


> WHY ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT ME and OUR MARRIAGE????????????????????





husbandcheating22 said:


> WHY ARE YOU EXPLAINING ANYTHING TO THIS WOMAN??????????!!! WHO CARES IF SHE IS MAD!!!! SHE ISN'T ANYONE THAT YOU SHOULD BE CONCERNED WITH!!!!


^^This^^ is why I think you are feeding us a crock of crap. All the caps. All the drama. Yet you are going to stay with Mr. Date Night Boy. Yeah, right ....

And you continue to post all this drama crap even after people have given you sound advice, which you patently ignore. You are here for attention, to vent, or just yank our chains. Nobody - and I mean NOBODY - is this stupid. Seriously.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You have nine pages of repeating the same thing over and over. What is the point of this?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

husbandcheating22 said:


> Unfortunately, this is my life. I don't understand why anyone would think this would be made up or crap. Like I posted, in our teenage years I waited for this man to choose me and he finally did. Yes I got pregnant early but he chose me before the pregnancy. We were dating. We have been together since and to break up our home over b/s is a bit difficult for me.Our families, friends, everyone, our children! Half of our lives over a couple of years! This is hard!


I think you are seriously co-dependent here -- you need to get/read a book called Co-Dependent No More.
YES it is hard -- but HE is the one who did this, not you. DO NOT take any blame here from him. HE cheated -- HE made the decision that is breaking up your family.
You should out him to your families RIGHT NOW about his cheating. By not bringing this to the light it only helps him carry on the affair. Don't cover up for him.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

I know a couple who post on social media like they are both single people.
They have been together for 5 years as a couple. 
do their posts on social media mean they are single?

the social media posts are an illusion. 
see the reference stated above. What’s posted does NOT represent real life.


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## acrossthepond01 (7 mo ago)

husbandcheating22 said:


> No I do not have sex with him. I don't get why there is such a huge concentration on sex. We are married. He didnt marry me for the sex so why would that dictate the kind of love he has for me?


Because a relationship or marriage without sex is really just a friendship. You don't seem to need sex, and he does. This is a mismatch in needs. For most men, sex may not the single most important thing, but it is REALLY important to them in a relationship/marriage, and this is how they feel emotionally connected to their woman, through the physical (together in combination with spending quality time together and being vulnerable). There are exceptions to this, of course, but it doesn't sound like your husband is an exception.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I must agree that the OP’s view that sex is unimportant to her and “he didn’t marry me for the sex” ——- very few if any men would be happy in a sexless marriage, or tolerate it. Apparently most people agree, as do I, that sex less than a dozen times a year is considered a sexless marriage. 

Therefore if OP’s husband isn’t at all happy in the marriage and felt a total disconnect and lack of intimacy/romance because his wife had zero interest in sex——- I don’t condone what he’s done, but I understand it.

OP, to 99.9% of men on the planet….if our wife doesn’t want us in bed— we DO NOT feel loved. I’m not sure if anyone can make you understand that. But I can tell you with certainty that your husband has full intentions of leaving you as soon as the kids are grown.

Your perspective on the marriage is NOT his perspective. I think you’re going to be wondering why he left you for years,even after the divorce. Well a huge part of it is that he didn’t feel loved because you didn’t want him sexually. So he met someone that did make him feel loved and did the wrong thing, continues to do the wrong thing, and is going to eventually pull the plug on the marriage.

Maybe I’m wrong and I’m sure this is hard to hear. But someone should tell you that few men will stay in a sexless marriage.


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## Enigmatic (Jul 16, 2021)

husbandcheating22 said:


> No I do not have sex with him. I don't get why there is such a huge concentration on sex. We are married. He didnt marry me for the sex so why would that dictate the kind of love he has for me?


He married you because you were pregnant. That's what you shared on another message board and it's what your husband has shared with Amanda. IIRC, he was dating someone else when you fell pregnant and then he had to make a choice. You weren't his first choice then and you're not his first choice now.

As for why "there is such a huge concentration on sex"... I think you are just having us on. But on the remote chance you aren't I will explain: Sex is what makes the difference between a friendship and a romance. Most people -- both male and female -- desire sex. It's clear your husband desires sex or he wouldn't have had multiple affairs over the course of your marriage. For men in particular, sex is how love is received and expressed. It is a rare marriage that can survive in a sexless state, especially when that sexlessness is a result of lack of desire, not a tragic accident or illness.

At this point, with all the responses you've received here and elsewhere, and with _not a single response suggesting anything other than that your marriage is in deep, unrecoverable trouble_, I have to believe you are either trolling or incapable of seeing reality. Frankly, I hope it's the former because, if it's the latter, I suspect you are going to be in for a really shocking awakening.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

husbandcheating22 said:


> No I do not have sex with him. I don't get why there is such a huge concentration on sex. We are married. He didnt marry me for the sex so why would that dictate the kind of love he has for me?


If you don't have sex with him, then you have a LEGAL marriage only, and he isn't going to feel emotionally connected to you at all. He is staying with you for financial and legal reasons only.

For most couples, sex is the glue that keeps them connected to their partners. When that isn't there, he isn't going to value you in any emotional way at all. Even though I don't agree with him cheating, I would still tell him to leave you and be happy with someone else who does enjoy sex.

The emotional attachment he feels is towards his girlfriend (sex partner) only, because you didn't want that connection with him. I believe if you make him choose between you two, he will choose HER and leave you.


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## CupCake522 (Mar 24, 2013)

husbandcheating22 said:


> Thank you everyone for your posts. I have read each and every one of them. Yes, I did a post on another forum and received advice that I still read. I was advised by my counselor to post on another site because she said I seem to put a lot of stock in what others have to say based on their experiences. I don't have many to talk to so I do go online and do lots of research on this subject. And when something happens, I do want to run to a forum and give what happened to get their take on things. This past Saturday my husband did a thing on social media and really put surprised me. This was no special occasion and nothing happening but he posted "I will forever be grateful to you and will always love you. Because of you, at a young age, I knew my purpose. Thank you and I am forever indebted to you" I have been over the moon since this post. I havent been able to contact my counselor about this, but to me this is a turning point! That post was filled with so much love so of course I am hoping that he has ended things with her. I havent checked his phone since last weekend. That post to me was him finally letting off the excessive weight and realizing I am where everything lies. What do you all think?


Please take off those blinders you have on your husband posting on social media is a coverup if he has a ounce of respect and love for you he would nit be cheating and living a lie it’s all a front for you only .I bet I’d you ask your family and friends they will tell you the same and probably has seen his mistress l wake up .


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## armstrov (8 mo ago)

husbandcheating22 said:


> Thank you QuietGuy for responding. As I take it you are a guy, then why does he stay with me? In my head, he is where he wants to be. I don't beg him to stay with me, but he is extremely present in our home. He does all of our family things and never misses a beat. On our anniversary he takes me and the children out, birthdays, holidays etc. He does not spend these special occasions with her. We have known each other for over 18 years and we are a love story that most envy. Project a happy family?


If he loves you and his actions such as posting you is “right”, then why are you two not talking about what’s going on? Husbands are nicest when they are covering their grounds. He does not love you. He is trying to save face and not cause any embarrassment to the family. When your last child graduates, your husband will be set and ready to move on to the next. You need to prepare to do the same and find a great divorce attorney.


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## armstrov (8 mo ago)

husbandcheating22 said:


> Thank you Captain Obvious for your reply. I am thinking it is not serious because he is still at home with me, he doesnt stay out all night, he is at home with me and our children. He attends all family events, he doesnt miss a beat with us. And he publicly acknowledges me, not her.


It is serious. You are on here asking a bunch of strangers for their opinions. Logic is logic. Your logic is on point that’s why you are confused. If he were doing right by you, you would not be here asking and you would not be confused. In addition to his cheating Do not cheat your self by justifying his actions. Let him know you know. At least he will know you are not a fool. I snoop around too bc you know he isn’t right. I hope you do what’s right. You deserve to know the truth and so does your family. I can handle truth I just can’t handle lies.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

husbandcheating22 said:


> My husband and I met in high school, we were together and then broke up and got back together, I got pregnant at 18 and he decided he wanted to always be around his child everyday and that we were going to be a family. We got married when our child turned 2. We have been married now for over a decade and I thought we were happy. We have had hiccups and honestly while we are great friends, I do feel that we are very different romantically but nothing our marriage can't fix to me. I found out he has been seeing a woman for 3 years. I have read some text messages to her and they are really really involved. He asks her opinion a lot about life matters, work matters, and from the looks of it, they started a secret business together! They even have a realtor to purchase property! My husband and I hardly have sex, and awhile ago in an argument he told me had checked out years ago but that to me is anger talking and we do have three beautiful children and he is such a great father! Ever so often, we do engage in physical intimacy and he still attends our family gatherings, outings with kids, family vacations, and even proclaims me on social media outlets knowing I love to share our relationship with our friends and family. He always makes it a point to post me on special occasions which to me always says "we are *OK*". I love to share this on my social media. He does all of these things which to me, I know this affair is temporary. He is very present!
> 
> My good friend tells me, he settled for me because of the children, he's obligated to me and if he has been with this woman for 3 years and counting, its not a fling but I just don't believe that! I guess here I am seeking any advice and if you think this 3-year relationship is real or not and how should I proceed. I do not want to ruffle any feathers because I do think this is temporary because of him being present and doesn’t miss a beat but it is very off-putting to know he is making money with this woman, she is in his personal life, I saw she helped him make multiple appointments, he goes to her for advice about everyday matters, he even shares things with her about our children! They are too intertwined to me but how intertwined could they be if he is still present with our family.
> 
> Just this past weekend, our oldest graduated and we are taking a "graduation vacation" until Thursday he has really posted me this weekend. I love when he does that. But when I looked into his phone, I saw that he made sure to see her before we left on our vacation. and he explained to her all of the activities we had planned this weekend with OUR family. He also told her he is excited to go because it is fun for our children. He told her he loved her and couldn't wait to be back from vacation to see her. I am so confused because he again has posted me all weekend, and it really makes my heart soar. What do you all think? I need all the raw advice and experience.


I am only responding to this as I have not the time to read all your posts ,
first from I SEE in the first post that is quite old now , your husband has a mistress , 
I am not or going to try not judge you on this if your happy with it that is fine with me , I would love to know more about why you are here are you happy or are you looking for us to tell you that your right to think this is ok or do you want us to tell you it is not , 
I have know women that have lived your life most have not been happy and did it for the reason of minding the kids and keeping a roof over their head I know of two men that except the wife going out and having affairs 
one of them said he just wants his wife to enjoy the most out of life , and the type sex she has with the other man is something he could not give her , 

I think this topic will be interesting to read as I can only imagine the response you have taken in 9 pages and still come back for more ,


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Your husband is in love with his affair partner and uses you for chores, meals,etc. he’s ok with humiliating you because you let him. As long as he can use you and have wild sec elsewhere he will. He knows you won’t leave. He’s not staying for love he’s too lazy to leave


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

He’s cheated 1/3 of your marriage. That ain’t temporary. Your friend is right. He’s with you out of duty. You can’t get him to love you by shutting up. This story is so sad. You’re so desperate to keep him and he give his left nut to leave


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

I am not going to address why your husband is with you as he is not here to speak for himself , 
Some men might think he is in a dream world where he has 2 women both filling different things in his life ,

All I care about addressing is you how you feel if your are happy I am good with that , there are areas in the world where men have many wife's and while it is not for me who am I to tell you what is good for you or not , as long as you happy with your roll in thing this life of 3 , 

BUT the fact your here is telling me you smell a rat , and if that is the case unless you are willing to do the work for your self we can only talk about your case , 

if you are happy and want to know how to live better within the triple I think your are sadly in the wrong place , I don't know if there are sites for _polygamy , 

I expect the wife gets little chose in what her husbands do in the _ _polygamy world but I would expect the wife does not have to except it and if he did not talk to you about it before hand _


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

armstrov said:


> It is serious. You are on here asking a bunch of strangers for their opinions. Logic is logic. Your logic is on point that’s why you are confused. If he were doing right by you, you would not be here asking and you would not be confused. In addition to his cheating Do not cheat your self by justifying his actions. Let him know you know. At least he will know you are not a fool. I snoop around too bc you know he isn’t right. I hope you do what’s right. You deserve to know the truth and so does your family. I can handle truth I just can’t handle lies.


Thank you for your POV.


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

frenchpaddy said:


> I am only responding to this as I have not the time to read all your posts ,
> first from I SEE in the first post that is quite old now , your husband has a mistress ,
> I am not or going to try not judge you on this if your happy with it that is fine with me , I would love to know more about why you are here are you happy or are you looking for us to tell you that your right to think this is ok or do you want us to tell you it is not ,
> I have know women that have lived your life most have not been happy and did it for the reason of minding the kids and keeping a roof over their head I know of two men that except the wife going out and having affairs
> ...


I came here as well as on multiple sites to gain insight and I suppose to vent.I have not and still have not shared with my close family and friends. I am back to update which most will probably ostracize me.


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

I know most of you think I am stupid. I tried to confront my husband and our youngest came in to play games with dad. It was the only time I had the courage to do so. This summer has been full of family activities, and its been busy. We have had many of family to visit us these summer months and there was never a right time. I have planned a couple of date nights and we went out without a hitch. He truly doesn't complain about these dates at all. He goes and he has a good time. I have been trying to get us to have more alone time. 

One of our outings, when I looked at his phone the. following day, he had "warned" her we were going out and told her that I had planned everything. (I don't understand why that is any of her business what I plan). She told him that if thats what he wanted to do,then do it and he sent her two pages of text messages telling her how that is not what he wants to do, told her again he loved me due to our history but was in love with her and how they talk all the time and how she is his best friend and motivates him. Told her "this is not sugar, it is salt" and "her and I get along, she is family and I consider her a friend and I will always love her but if I was in love with her, I would have never fallen in love with you, she tries to do dates but its not a date to me" THAT SOUNDS LIKE HORSECRAP if you ask me. He is still on this crap!

I do believe I am building the courage to confront him because it is time, he needs to focus on the things that matters and that is me and our boys.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

husbandcheating22 said:


> I know most of you think I am stupid. I tried to confront my husband and our youngest came in to play games with dad. It was the only time I had the courage to do so. This summer has been full of family activities, and its been busy. We have had many of family to visit us these summer months and there was never a right time. I have planned a couple of date nights and we went out without a hitch. He truly doesn't complain about these dates at all. He goes and he has a good time. I have been trying to get us to have more alone time.
> 
> One of our outings, when I looked at his phone the. following day, he had "warned" her we were going out and told her that I had planned everything. (I don't understand why that is any of her business what I plan). She told him that if thats what he wanted to do,then do it and he sent her two pages of text messages telling her how that is not what he wants to do, told her again he loved me due to our history but was in love with her and how they talk all the time and how she is his best friend and motivates him. Told her "this is not sugar, it is salt" and "her and I get along, she is family and I consider her a friend and I will always love her but if I was in love with her, I would have never fallen in love with you, she tries to do dates but its not a date to me" THAT SOUNDS LIKE HORSECRAP if you ask me. He is still on this crap!
> 
> I do believe I am building the courage to confront him because it is time, he needs to focus on the things that matters and that is me and our boys.


 So I am right that your husband has a Mistress 
But your are not ok with it as that is where the name has come from , 
You are putting off talking to him because you feel he might pick her over you ,

Most husbands THAT cheat pick the wife and stay with the family , 
most wifes that cheat leave the husband in the end 
As much as 74 % of women forgive their husband for Cheating
Only 38% of men forgive a cheating wife 

Now do you want him back ? 
WHEN YOU ARE READY to talk about this your going to have to cross the bridge one day 
and there is going to be a cost , 
Are you going to go into MC with him ,

now I AM going to tell you how this man thinks , 


husbandcheating22 said:


> One of our outings, when I looked at his phone the. following day, he had "warned" her we were going out and told her that I had planned everything. (I don't understand why that is any of her business what I plan). She told him that if thats what he wanted to do,then do it and he sent her two pages of text messages telling her how that is not what he wants to do, told her again he loved me due to our history but was in love with her and how they talk all the time and how she is his best friend and motivates him. Told her "this is not sugar, it is salt" and "her and I get along, she is family and I consider her a friend and I will always love her but if I was in love with her, I would have never fallen in love with you, she tries to do dates but its not a date to me" THAT SOUNDS LIKE HORSECRAP if you ask me. He is still on this crap!


 he is letting you see his phone to show you he has a sex friend , he is all so telling her he is staying with you because you have history and your the mother of his children and for the children , he is telling her when they have sex that it is 4 or 5 years since the two of you have sex , he does this so he can get her to feel good and feel sorry for him "Poor man in a sexless marriage" now make love to me 
he is manipulating her as well as Cheating on you , 
If YOU WANT TO STOP THIS why did you not send her a text on his phone let her know she is playing with your husband , letting her know your not taking it lying down 
letting her know it is you or her but not the two of you , or tell her you can have him for sex but I WANT HIM FOR family gatherings , you know he is cheating and you are telling yourself you have too much going on all summer to stop it , 

YOU sleep beside him in bed and you don't think of saying by the way I found you love note to Molly , 
the one where you said you are staying with me but you want to f her as well , 

what is stopping you only you think he is gone but he is all ready gone,
did you have sex after you read the note to Molly ? 
Was it good knowing that P was in Molly many times and that while her was having sex with you he wanted to be Making Love To Molly ,


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

He is putting up with you. When he says you planned things, that is the equivalent of jury duty or a dentist visit to him. He’s not going to focus on you because you aren’t the person he’s passionately in love with. You’re a maid. an assistant, a habit, this whole thing is ridiculous and yes I think you are choosing to live in an alternate marital reality. How can you be with a ho who blatantly and without shame cheats on you? He’s not going to quit because he loses nothing g by quiting. He isn’t picking you


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

snowbum said:


> How can you be with a ho who blatantly and without shame cheats on you? He’s not going to quit because he loses nothing g by quiting. He isn’t picking you


 he is leaving his phone unprotected because he can't bring himself to telling her and he is hoping she finds the info on his phone and she makes the decision for him; 

AS I said before if the OP is ok with your husband having a Mistress that is good with me , 
if they all have a way of balancing time between the work parties and all the things going on for the Summer , but there is something telling me 9 soon 10 pages on here about a husband with a mistress and no time for to say , in the morning before he gets up to go to work hay Harry I found your massage to Molly that you don't want to come with us on the trip next week , and that you said you love me because of our history but that you love to be with Molly it takes less time than responding to one post on here and clears all the tiptoeing around 

now why would the OP want her husband to come on a trip she is planing if he does not want to be there , it is about as good as having sex with someone that is asleep or not into what is going on , 

I hope to take my wife out tonight , if she does not want to go and wants to do something different i am happy with that , Sunday I am planing to go somewhere with all the family but if she does not want to go it would be better she stays at home and the rest of us go than if she goes and is not happy , and you know if the person beside you if their mind is on other things so it is not a good day even if their with you out of duty , same as duty sex 

JUST how far is OP willing to push this ,
does she want to have her toy boy when the hubby is out with the Mistress,
Has she had a good summer with all the people calling and putting on the face is it easy for her to play happy family , when his mother came for a few days and said harry was lucky to get you for a wife she did not want to say yes harry is so lucky to have a good wife and good mistress or did Harry not tell you about Molly mammy


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

husbandcheating22 said:


> Thank you Captain Obvious for your reply. I am thinking it is not serious because he is still at home with me, he doesnt stay out all night, he is at home with me and our children. He attends all family events, he doesnt miss a beat with us. And he publicly acknowledges me, not her.


Physically he may be there.... mentally he's been gone.

Start looking out for the wellbeing of yourself and your children... He's planning a life with someone else right in front of your face and you still refuse to see it. I have a friend that projects happy family on FB as well... but when we talk privately, he's already planning his future OUT of the marriage. He's just buying his time.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

husbandcheating22 said:


> I know most of you think I am stupid. I tried to confront my husband and our youngest came in to play games with dad. It was the only time I had the courage to do so. This summer has been full of family activities, and its been busy. We have had many of family to visit us these summer months and there was never a right time. I have planned a couple of date nights and we went out without a hitch. He truly doesn't complain about these dates at all. He goes and he has a good time. I have been trying to get us to have more alone time.
> 
> One of our outings, when I looked at his phone the. following day, he had "warned" her we were going out and told her that I had planned everything. (I don't understand why that is any of her business what I plan). She told him that if thats what he wanted to do,then do it and he sent her two pages of text messages telling her how that is not what he wants to do, told her again he loved me due to our history but was in love with her and how they talk all the time and how she is his best friend and motivates him. Told her "this is not sugar, it is salt" and "her and I get along, she is family and I consider her a friend and I will always love her but if I was in love with her, I would have never fallen in love with you, she tries to do dates but its not a date to me" THAT SOUNDS LIKE HORSECRAP if you ask me. He is still on this crap!
> 
> I do believe I am building the courage to confront him because it is time, he needs to focus on the things that matters and that is me and our boys.


I really think you are hopeless. You are still in some fantasy land where he is going to pick you over her. You are sad and pathetic for even playing that game. You won't be confronting any time soon.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I really think you are hopeless. You are still in some fantasy land where he is going to pick you over her. You are sad and pathetic for even playing that game. You won't be confronting any time soon.


 I think he will pick her , but does she want to be in a relationship with someone that only wants her because they have history and kids


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> I think he will pick her , but does she want to be in a relationship with someone that only wants her because they have history and kids


I think you are right that if pushed he would probably pick the mother of his kids. That won't change his lack of desire for her though. It wouldn't be long before he has another mistress.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I think you are right that if pushed he would probably pick the mother of his kids. That won't change his lack of desire for her though. It wouldn't be long before he has another mistress.


 even if he picks the wife if will slip into a loveless marriage and he will yearn after his mistress , so what self respecting woman would want to be married to a man that loves another


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## MelB (5 mo ago)

My only question, how can u accept ur husband giving his love to another woman?! My husband would have been kicked to the curb the second I found out! I respect myself and kids too much!


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> even if he picks the wife if will slip into a loveless marriage and he will yearn after his mistress , so what self respecting woman would want to be married to a man that loves another


He doesn't love either one of them. He is in a long term relationship with his penis.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> He doesn't love either one of them. He is in a long term relationship with his penis.


yes i think he is very much so manipulating the wife and the mistress , the 2 pages of messages would tell you that when she more or less told him to please himself , 

he is playing two women for his own selfish reasons , feeding his ego


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

frenchpaddy said:


> So I am right that your husband has a Mistress
> But your are not ok with it as that is where the name has come from ,
> You are putting off talking to him because you feel he might pick her over you ,
> 
> ...


Thank you for your response. I am not ok with it but I am terrified to say anything. Our family is the best. My husband and I have sons and we have been together since teenage years. 

I don't really have sex, it is really once in a blue moon. Sex is nothing like conversation, and talking with your partner. Still learning them. Thats why I figure she is temporary because all they have is sex and the business they are running together.


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

Works said:


> Physically he may be there.... mentally he's been gone.
> 
> Start looking out for the wellbeing of yourself and your children... He's planning a life with someone else right in front of your face and you still refuse to see it. I have a friend that projects happy family on FB as well... but when we talk privately, he's already planning his future OUT of the marriage. He's just buying his time.


Thank you. The only reason why I do know is due to me looking at his phone, which sometimes I regret. So your friend is staying in his marriage buying time ? To me that seems like he still cares enough to stay in the marriage.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

husbandcheating22 said:


> Thank you. The only reason why I do know is due to me looking at his phone, which sometimes I regret. So your friend is staying in his marriage buying time ? To me that seems like he still cares enough to stay in the marriage.


It's going to cost him massively if he does it abruptly... So he's getting his ducks in a row now.

You're married, don't play second best where YOU should be FIRST! That isn't love, that isn't a marriage.. I'm divorced now, it wasn't pleasant at all. I stayed because I had nowhere to go and by the grace of God, after everything.. I am doing just fine today. I have a boyfriend who adores me, but I tell you what.. The moment I even suspect something is going on like your situation, I am NOT staying. I love myself too much now to ever put myself second and beg someone to be with me.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

husbandcheating22 said:


> Thank you for your response. I am not ok with it but I am terrified to say anything. Our family is the best. My husband and I have sons and we have been together since teenage years.
> 
> I don't really have sex, it is really once in a blue moon. Sex is nothing like conversation, and talking with your partner. Still learning them. Thats why I figure she is temporary because all they have is sex and the business they are running together.


You are incredibly naïve and foolish. If your family is the best, why is he having sex and running a business with another woman? And 3 years is temporary to you?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Works said:


> It's going to cost him massively if he does it abruptly... So he's getting his ducks in a row now.
> 
> You're married, don't play second best where YOU should be FIRST! That isn't love, that isn't a marriage.. I'm divorced now, it wasn't pleasant at all. I stayed because I had nowhere to go and by the grace of God, after everything.. I am doing just fine today. I have a boyfriend who adores me, but I tell you what.. The moment I even suspect something is going on like your situation, I am NOT staying. I love myself too much now to ever put myself second and beg someone to be with me.


She has deluded herself into believe that SHE is first and the OW is second. This woman is totally delusional due to fear. She has to try to convince herself of an alternate reality.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

BigDaddyNY said:


> She has deluded herself into believe that SHE is first and the OW is second. This woman is totally delusional due to fear. She has to try to convince herself of an alternate reality.


Pretty much.. thank you. I didn't know quite how to word it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He has a wife and he has a girlfriend. He doesn’t plan to change. He’s happy the way things are.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

husbandcheating22 said:


> I am not ok with it but I am terrified to say anything.


I can understand how you feel you world fell apart the moment you opened that phone and confirmed what you suspected was going on , your so afraid you wish you could wind back the time and forget it thinking in what many call living in the living dead , in other words head in sand not knowing is better than knowing but it is sadly not true , no one wants to live knowing they are been lied to all the time


husbandcheating22 said:


> I have sons and we have been together since teenage years.


yes you have become mother you not MRS Harry or Shelia any more just mother the one that runs the boys to football , takes them to the Dr, dentist and goes to the mall to shop when they are at school , have dinner ready when they get home and cheating Harry gets home as well, when you place that dinner before cheating Harry part of you hopes he chocks on it


husbandcheating22 said:


> I don't really have sex, it is really once in a blue moon. Sex is nothing like conversation, and talking with your partner.


well I love to have a woman that I can do both with you hope Harry is doing one with you and the other with MOLLY , but he has told Molly she is the one he LOVES



husbandcheating22 said:


> Thats why I figure she is temporary


I thought that until I got the the end


husbandcheating22 said:


> because all they have is sex


but sex is important in a health relationship it is what binds two people together , the problem for people that have friends with benefits or f buddies is the sex plays with their heads and one starts to get feelings


husbandcheating22 said:


> the business they are running together.


this is the worst part this is what made me stop and think , now Shelia I first thought Harry was just using a younger girl at the office to replace what he was not getting at home , but if Molly is helping him run the BUSINESS together , she has replaced you in more ways than you think , I thought it was just a case of he having sex on the office desk with Molly but if she has that important a roll in the Business you days are numbered ,

Harry and Molly are not only working together but they are planning how to divorce you hide the money and keep the most they can for themselves , She has him by the hasp of his pants, and it is Molly that is going to make the deal here MOLLY wants to be more than the Mistress

Shelia Today your the first wife, Molly wants to be the last wife, watch if Molly is ever around the boys see how she wants to get close to them to make her look better than you

Molly is the one in the driving seat it is why Harry left the phone for you to find he wants you to be the one to kick him out , it is his way of given you the best goodbye he thinks he can before Molly does it

I have know women like Molly that pushed the cheating to having sex in a place that the wife would find out , and in the end the cheating husband ended up with no woman


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Openminded said:


> He has a wife and he has a girlfriend. He doesn’t plan to change. He’s happy the way things are.


 but the mistress does not want to stay just the mistress she is pushing him to pick one or the other it was in the please yourself and he was on the run after her he had to send her 2 pages of messages to calm her , she is playing to win


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

You can have conversation with anyone. Sex should be saved for the person you love. No sex is indicative of lack of desire. You have a platonic relationship. He sees you as a buddy or sibling. You are crazy thinking he’ll take conversation over sex.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

he’s staying to avoid paying alimony or support


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

husbandcheating22 said:


> My husband and I met in high school, we were together and then broke up and got back together, I got pregnant at 18


 is around 30/31 and you think sex is not important to him 
he is not going to stay in a sexless marriage,


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

at that age he could have Molly in the morning molly in the evening and molly in the brake in the middle of the day and the afternoon he could have MOLLY 4 times a day and still fit in the wife at night , he might even have to see Molly on the weekend to get her to do some office work , he would need her to give him a hand 

he loves you so much he is even given you a rest in bed so you don't have to work at that job as well and getting some other woman to replace you for that job , 

that is why sex is only once in a blue moon because Molly is knocking his rocks off with 3 years , Molly has become Mrs Harry and your the other woman the mother of his sons 

you telling me a woman in her prime only 30 does not want sex , 
I tell you if you had a new man in your life you would find your sex drive and it would be nothing like when you were 18 , 

My Wife was only starting at your age your talking like a 75 year old


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Nothing has changed since you first posted and, yes, you’ve had time to discuss this. You’re not going to get advice to put up with it any more now than you did before when you got none. It’s the same. So what is the point?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

At this point, he's not cheating so much as he has two wives. The OP is without question wife #2.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> At this point, he's not cheating so much as he has two wives. The OP is without question wife #2.


yes he has some type of polyamorous relationship going here but everything is in Molly's name to protect him when the big D comes 

but the her law boys and girls will go after that as hiding assets 
she will need to copie as much as she can of the messages he sends Molly


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## Enigmatic (Jul 16, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I think you are right that if pushed he would probably pick the mother of his kids. That won't change his lack of desire for her though. It wouldn't be long before he has another mistress.


This is already mistress 2 or 3. And he was dating someone else when he got OP pregnant and only married her out of duty. The current affair has to be 4 years old at this point.



husbandcheating22 said:


> Thank you for your response. I am not ok with it but I am terrified to say anything. Our family is the best. My husband and I have sons and we have been together since teenage years.
> 
> I don't really have sex, it is really once in a blue moon. Sex is nothing like conversation, and talking with your partner. Still learning them. Thats why I figure she is temporary because all they have is sex and the business they are running together.


You continue to underestimate the importance of sex in a marriage. Intimacy -- physical and emotional -- is what defines a marriage. It's a rare man who will remain in a sexless marriage.

Your husband and his lover have set up bank accounts for your children! To say that "all" they have are a vested interest in the children, sex, love, and a business is ridiculous. That's pretty much everything.



husbandcheating22 said:


> Thank you. The only reason why I do know is due to me looking at his phone, which sometimes I regret. So your friend is staying in his marriage buying time ? To me that seems like he still cares enough to stay in the marriage.


He's biding his time because if he leaves now he will have to share custody of the kids. You have previously told us that he offered to buy you a house and set you up for life if you would just quietly go away and let him have the boys.

It will also be far less expensive for him if he can postpone divorcing you until the boys are grown, as then he won't be on the hook for child support.

If Amanda puts her foot down and forces him to choose, you will lose either way. Option 1 is that he leaves and you are alone. Option 2 is that he leaves and is brimming with resentment toward you for causing him to miss out on what he considers to be his real love.

Get your head out of the sand.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

husbandcheating22 said:


> My good friend tells me, he settled for me because of the children, he's obligated to me and if he has been with this woman for 3 years and counting, its not a fling but I just don't believe that! I guess here I am seeking any advice and if you think this 3-year relationship is real or not and how should I proceed. I do not want to ruffle any feathers because I do think this is temporary because of him being present and doesn’t miss a beat but it is very off-putting to know he is making money with this woman, she is in his personal life, I saw she helped him make multiple appointments, he goes to her for advice about everyday matters, he even shares things with her about our children! They are too intertwined to me but how intertwined could they be if he is still present with our family.


What we all don't understand about the OP is WHY she is clutching on to something that we see as dead and gone ,
but I was thinking about her case last night and it came to me that the op KNOWS THE RELATIONSHIP IS dead and gone , 
She is HARRY'S First wife , SO he wants to put her in retirement like the way we buy our first car 
use it build it prime it up it is our dream car , but there is a day that the car is no as good a ride any more , and we find a more exciting ride , goes faster looks better in every way but we still have a soft spot for the old first car so we put it in a shed down in the end of the garden it gets wheeled out the odd time , even take it for the odd ride but it is just nostalgic

LETS TALK ABOUT Grief
the op knows she is in a dead relationship ,
she is still going through the stages of Grief and has got to the stage of barging ,
SHE KNOWS IT IS GONE she just not ready to except it yet , and it takes some people more time to except that than others ,
we know and we are outsiders so it is easy for us to except that when it is over you move along and not wast you time grieving over something that is not yours ,
but who are we to tell someone how long they should take to get over some things 
we all are hit by grief at times in our life 

I myself lost my dog and it has taken me a good amount of time before I am now open to getting a new dog , 
So for someone to loose their first love and their lifestyle , I don't know if the OP is working or if she is full time stay at home mother , If she is it is going to be hard to put herself out on the work market ,
she will have to except Molly getting to keep her boys for 2 weeks out of every 4,
and she has spoken to a friend so people know Harry has a new love in his life ,

there are 5 stages in Grief 
1 Anger 2 disbelief 3 BARGINING 4 sad 5 acceptance
sometimes grief is for small things in life and sometimes for big things like the people we love and they are gone , it is easy if the person we loose is old and sick a long time , but we all so do the same for relationships ,

If you grieving for a relationship you have to grave twice once for the relationship and once for the Dream of for what once was going to be this prefect life you had built up in your mind the perfect life together 
so it is a hard one to except and will take time 

NOW Harry and Molly have moved on they are looking on the OP as the cheapest way out for now 
Molly has the assets in her name so this is going on longer than WE know of 
As it takes time for Molly and Harry to get together build up enough trust start a sexual relationship 
and then invest in assets together and put them all in her name , 

The day Harry put pen to paper to invest with Molly he was ready for Divorce 
He just did not tell OP that why he did it and where he was going with this ,
So Harry has been through the Grief and it was easier for him he had a head start and found the replacement before hand ,
HE offered OP a retirement house without the sons and what woman will except that ,
Often men in Harrys place give the home to the wife to mind the sons and they walk away but harry wants the sons and will put up a dirty fight for them will get a bad ass law team to make out mother is not a good mother , will wipe the ground with mother ,

SO for now it is the easy and cheap way out while op is living in her own world he is happy to use her as cheap child care 

BUT how well do you know Molly , has she a child for Harry yet , HOW long MORE will Molly 
put that off she might want to have a baby with him to concrete their relationship ,

even the best contraception in the world has only a 1 in 99 chance 
and what is there to say that she will not just stop contraception to make him take that final step 

HE can't leave her when she has everything in her name , 
he has more in her name than with you , and he wants that house as well when he was giving a smaller house some where out of the way


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

Works said:


> It's going to cost him massively if he does it abruptly... So he's getting his ducks in a row now.
> 
> You're married, don't play second best where YOU should be FIRST! That isn't love, that isn't a marriage.. I'm divorced now, it wasn't pleasant at all. I stayed because I had nowhere to go and by the grace of God, after everything.. I am doing just fine today. I have a boyfriend who adores me, but I tell you what.. The moment I even suspect something is going on like your situation, I am NOT staying. I love myself too much now to ever put myself second and beg someone to be with me.


Thank you


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> She has deluded herself into believe that SHE is first and the OW is second. This woman is totally delusional due to fear. She has to try to convince herself of an alternate reality.


I don’t think you understand that she doesn’t get family outings, vacations, the things that matter..I suppose this is why I consider myself first. I hate this too because I should be first and only.


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

frenchpaddy said:


> I can understand how you feel you world fell apart the moment you opened that phone and confirmed what you suspected was going on , your so afraid you wish you could wind back the time and forget it thinking in what many call living in the living dead , in other words head in sand not knowing is better than knowing but it is sadly not true , no one wants to live knowing they are been lied to all the time
> 
> yes you have become mother you not MRS Harry or Shelia any more just mother the one that runs the boys to football , takes them to the Dr, dentist and goes to the mall to shop when they are at school , have dinner ready when they get home and cheating Harry gets home as well, when you place that dinner before cheating Harry part of you hopes he chocks on it
> 
> ...


I really do wish I could turn back the hands of time.
My husband is great with our children. He picks them up from school, takes them to their appointments, transports them to sports practices, takes them shopping ( I take them shopping sometimes but he mostly does it and I’ll tag along to be a family!) and due to my work schedule, he usually feeds the kids, about time I get home they are off at one of their practices.

From what I gather, we are all the same age, entering our fourth decade. I’ve seen messages of theirs saying “they fell in real love in their late thirties finally with the right one” bunch of bull crap! He has always called our love true!

They did not work together. She works somewhere, he works elsewhere and they decided to open up a side business together. 2 from what I know. These are only side businesses.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

husbandcheating22 said:


> Thank you for your response. I am not ok with it but I am terrified to say anything. Our family is the best. My husband and I have sons and we have been together since teenage years.
> 
> I don't really have sex, it is really once in a blue moon. Sex is nothing like conversation, and talking with your partner. Still learning them. Thats why I figure she is temporary because all they have is sex and the business they are running together.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

TexasMom1216 said:


> At this point, he's not cheating so much as he has two wives. The OP is without question wife #2.


This might be the perfect tome for him to bring up sister wives with the both of you. You might really like one another!


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

So he’s your nanny and nanny has a lover. That’s what this is. This is a farce of a marriage. He doesn’t love you. How do you not see that? Social media is ********. It’s all lies. You are a laughing stock


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

husbandcheating22 said:


> My husband is great with our children. He picks them up from school, takes them to their appointments, transports them to sports practices, takes them shopping ( I take them shopping sometimes but he mostly does it and I’ll tag along to be a family!) and due to my work schedule, he usually feeds the kids, about time I get home they are off at one of their practices.


 god Harry is a super Daddy he takes them every where does Molly help him feeding the boys , and tuck them into bed read a story and help them say their prayers , 
EVERY kid needs a Super DADDY LIKE Harry does he take them to church as well, 
he even got them a second Mammy just in case , all kids now need two,HAVING one is just old fashioned , and when Molly has one or two boys you can give her what your boys had when they were small save the cost of buying more , 
you could even offer to baby sit for her when she is out to dinner with Harry. 

It will not be long now when your oldest son can go work with them in the 2 side businesses. that happen to be in Molly's name .


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

husbandcheating22 said:


> Thank you for your response. I am not ok with it but I am terrified to say anything. Our family is the best. My husband and I have sons and we have been together since teenage years.
> 
> I don't really have sex, it is really once in a blue moon. Sex is nothing like conversation, and talking with your partner. Still learning them. Thats why I figure she is temporary because all they have is sex and the business they are running together.


What you are actually saying here is that you fear the thought of facing your issues and possibly have to address some things in your marriage more than you fear him being involved with someone else. 

You are saying you would rather he continue to live this double life with her rather that you address your issues and change anything in your life. 

You are choosing the facade of a happy family life with picnics and trips to Grandma's house over your husband's fidelity. 

You would rather continue on with the status quo of him with another woman rather than the disruption addressing it would cause to your regular daily life. 

And finally, you would rather he have a love and sex life with someone else, rather than address your own sexual issues. 

*This is why he has a love and sex life with someone else. *


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

MOLLY is an air head she is willing to settle for half a man , she gets all the dirty side of the relationship having to give Harry Blow jobs and she has to have sex with harry because his wife does not want to do that . and eat them dinners when he takes her out what type of woman would want half a man , I agree fully with the OP he loves the two half women


husbandcheating22 said:


> “they fell in real love in their late thirties finally with the right one” bunch of bull crap!


Molly is so stupid she let Harry talk her into putting everything into her name , How stupid do you have to be to do that ?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Now that being said - you are obviously ok with this situation since you have done nothing about it other than whine to us. 

Your choice is your actions and behaviors and not your words so the fact you have done nothing to change this situation means you accept it. 

That's ok, that is your choice if it works for you. Millions of women throughout the ages have accepted a mistress(s) in their husband's lives as long he continues to bring home the bacon and as long as he doesn't ask too much of them in bed. 
Since this is your choice, my suggestion is NOT confront him in any way about it and not rock the boat on your end. Be the happy homemaker and greet him with a smile and a drink when he gets home and do not nag him or bug him or ask any more of him other than paying the bills and being involved in the kid's lives. 

Here's why - He does not want to have to pick between the two of you. He wants to maintain the status quo just like you do. He wants you to tend to the garden and keep the kids out of his hair much of the time and keep the household and family running smoothly. If you are happy and smiling and not nagging him or complaining all the time and don't ask more of him than paying bills and going to Grandma's house with the family on Sunday afternoons, then he is content and has no reason FROM YOUR END to pack up and leave you. 

However, this mistress may or may not be wanting him to leave you for her. If that is the case and she is the one nagging, then she is the nag. But, since she is the one that is sucking on his junk, that gives her a pretty big feather in her hat. 

So if you were also nagging him and bi+ching at him and making demands of him also, if he had two nagging and bi+ching women making demands on him, he's going to go with the one sucking on his junk most likely. 

Now if she is not nagging and bi+ching on him or making demands and you are - then it's a slam dunk and he'll be packing his bags this week. 

And if she is not nagging and bi+ching, and you are not nagging and bi+ching, then this could presumably go on indefinately or at least until the kids are grown if not forever. 

So if what you want is for him to pay bills, coach the kids little league and go to Grandma's house on sunday with the family but not suck his junk yourself, then it is in your best interests either way that you keep your criticisms and complaints to yourself and smile and be happy and pleasant and not make any waves. 

Your value to him is your tolerance and acceptance and in homemaking and family abilities. Don't rock that boat or you will be the one going overboard into the water.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

You are being used.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

frenchpaddy said:


> , I agree fully with the OP he loves the two half women


He does. 

And if each keeps up their end of that bargain and doesn't make waves, all of them can go on happily ever after indefinitely.

The wild card here is the mistress. If she just wants to have some hot sex and get a diamond tennis bracelets on her birthday and a gold heart necklace the day after Christmas and does not want to deal with his kids and his dirty socks on the floor, then all is well for each of them. They all make up the 3 legs of the barstool and all is well. 

The OP is ok with the family life but doesn't want any of that icky sex so she is OK with that being outsourced to the mistress as long as he keeps paying the bills and mowing the lawn. 

So this is all kind of depending on how well the mistress can play ball.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

This dude has it made. I want to be him.
😋

OP, has it perfect too. If she gets another man, he’s gonna want sex and she isn’t into it.

Just ride the wave until it hits the beach……. Sadly, it could happen anytime.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

snowbum said:


> You are being used.


Or is she using him??

Remember she doesn't want an actual intimate life with him. She wants his financial provisioning, child rearing assistance and the public semblance of a happy family life. 

She's getting that and not having to suck on his junk in the process even though that is what he wants. 

So if she is being provided what she bargained for, we can't say she's being used. 

Now this may be kind of pathetic and sad if we use the American image of a happy family and sexually monogamous couple as the benchmark. 

But this is the old-world model that goes back thousands of years. And if everyone is getting what they consider a fair deal for their price of admission and accepts it, then it is what is if it works for them.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

snowbum said:


> You are being used.


 no she is using him , he is bringing home the bacon , and Molly is helping him to make enough money to keep two women , 

the OP need to invite the mistress over the next time she is peeping at his phone , make up the extra room and Molly could move in and they all live happy family together , she could tell the boys that daddy is giving Molly a hand in her room or more she is giving him a hand


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

frenchpaddy said:


> the OP need to invite the mistress over the next time she is peeping at his phone , make up the extra room and Molly could move in and they all live happy family together , she could tell the boys that daddy is giving Molly a hand in her room or more she is giving him a hand


I know a guy that did exactly this. Or at least he tried. 

The OW was a friend of the wife and they had had some 3ways without really talking much about boundaries and expectations and such. 

The OW's lease was coming up or something and the older kids had moved out of the marital house so there was a couple extra bedrooms so he moved the OW and her 8 year old into the marital house. 

The wife initially agreed to it. But as they still had a couple minor children in the house, the kids and the OW's kid didn't get along so hot and the wife eventually started getting resentful of the time and energy he was spending with the OW in her room.

The wife started raising a stink and it all went downhill from there.

The difference is in that situation the wife still wanted her's too and I guess the poor ol' fella just couldn't keep "up" with both women and the wife didn't appreciate that she was coming up on the short end of that stick so to speak.


And as a follow up - they ultimately divorced after a period of some really bad incidents.

He married some completely different gal within days of the divorce being finalised and she has been with some young, buff, tatoo'd guy for several years that is younger than her oldest daughter.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> I know a guy that did exactly this. Or at least he tried.
> 
> The OW was a friend of the wife and they had had some 3ways without really talking much about boundaries and expectations and such.
> 
> ...


Moral of the story to the OP - If you don't want any sex and you don't want a young, tattoo'd, stud muffin of your own, smile and be pleasant and don't make a stink.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> I know a guy that did exactly this. Or at least he tried.
> 
> The OW was a friend of the wife and they had had some 3ways without really talking much about boundaries and expectations and such.
> 
> ...


 new way to live , the guy thought he had the life until he had 2 women looking for sex all the time , 
I had a day that I dreamed of sex a few times a day like the guys on the net used to blow about just until my wife had a miscarriage and she wanted to get pregnant again , and she turned into a nymphomaniac until she was expecting , for the first time in my life i felt like running a mile when she wanted sex again and again , 
but Harry is lucky ( I was going to say wife number one but I think 1 could be the one that is sucking him off most ) the op thinks Sex is not important to a man ,


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> Moral of the story to the OP - If you don't want any sex and you don't want a young, tattoo'd, stud muffin of your own, smile and be pleasant and don't make a stink.


i think you were right first when you suggested she starts initiating sex a lot more and upping her game , beat the mistress at her game , first thing every morning wake him up with sex ,


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> i think you were right first when you suggested she starts initiating sex a lot more and upping her game , beat the mistress at her game , first thing every morning wake him up with sex ,


The “pick me” game is for pathetic losers with no self esteem. Humiliating yourself by begging is not the answer. The answer is to gather what remains of her tattered dignity and leave.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> The “pick me” game is for pathetic losers with no self esteem. Humiliating yourself by begging is not the answer. The answer is to gather what remains of her tattered dignity and leave.


 sheee stop telling her that ,we tried that it did not work so now we have moved on to reverse psychology


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He works part time and parties it up all night, while you work full time?
I suggest cutting your losses and finding a man, not a child


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

I hate to sound rude, but for crying out loud... what are you still doing there? I'd take what my exH did to me, how he did it, every which way and wouldn't change any part of it again over what you willingly continue to allow.

I keep following this thread in hopes that I see a message from the OP saying she woke up.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

frenchpaddy said:


> i think you were right first when you suggested she starts initiating sex a lot more and upping her game , beat the mistress at her game , first thing every morning wake him up with sex ,


I looked back through the thread and did not find anywhere that I have advised this. 

Now if the OP's objective was to have a sexually exclusive, happy and healthy marriage with her H, then yes, she would need to up her Girl Game after addressing the issues. 

But it's becoming more and more clear that the OP's objective is keep the status quo and NOT address issues and not pursue a sexually active relationship with him. 

If her objective is to keep him paying bills, changing flat tires and keep up appearances of a model family, then she needs to smile, be pleasant, don't nag and don't make waves.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> sheee stop telling her that ,we tried that it did not work so now we have moved on to reverse psychology


Ooooohhhhh. Sorry. Let me try again:

Yeah, you’re right. At this point the best thing to do is to offer threesomes. Or even better, bring several women home from the bar for him. Tell him you will sit quietly and cry while he is with them. He will love it.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

@frenchpaddy I’m probably giving the guys on here ideas. 😂 I know of several that would see that and say that’s how wives are supposed to act 😂


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> Now that being said - you are obviously ok with this situation since you have done nothing about it other than whine to us.
> 
> Your choice is your actions and behaviors and not your words so the fact you have done nothing to change this situation means you accept it.
> 
> ...


 i think this is the one , BUT at this stage i think we are flogging a dead horse


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

husbandcheating22 said:


> I know most of you think I am stupid. I tried to confront my husband and our youngest came in to play games with dad. It was the only time I had the courage to do so. This summer has been full of family activities, and its been busy. We have had many of family to visit us these summer months and there was never a right time.


This is a key comment right here that spells out in black and white where your heart and agendas are. 

Here we are two months later, and this is where you are at. 

Let me put things this way for frame of reference - If I found reasonable evidence this afternoon that my wife was having an affair,, the entire free world and all that was in it would come to a grinding halt. The only thing that might delay me in addressing that would be if the house were on fire, I would take the time to call 911 and if someone had arterial bleeding, I would tie on a tourniquet until the ambulance hauled them away. 

But yet two months have passed and during that time you have entertained Aunt Beulah and took her to the farmer's market when she came to town and you have fixed Lord knows how many casseroles for the church dinners and countless tips to the pool and the park with the kids and have had numerous date nights and family outings and barbecues with the neighbors. 

Meanwhile your husband is living a whole other life with another woman. 

Do you see the dichotomy here????

You were making a green bean casserole for Sunday's church picnic while your husband was making life plans and having hot monkey sex with another woman.... *AND YOU KNEW THAT. *

You are like the German Burgermeister of the town right outside the gates of the extermination camp that watched train loads of jews come into the camp and saw the smoke from the ovens and smelled the stench 24/7 and told the village citizens not to worry about the ashes that were falling all over the town, but yet when the allies came looking for war criminals you claim you were not a nazi and that you knew nothing about what was going on right outside your front door. 

It's because you BENEFIT from this and you are getting what you want and it doesn't cost you anything as long as you don't make waves. 

But we're not talking about a holocaust here or people being lead to slaughter. We are talking about 3 people in a symbiotic relationship each getting what they want and what they bargained for. 

So my advice is smile, be happy and pleasant. and don't make waves. This boat is cruising along without any issues so far so don't rock it.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> This is a key comment right here that spells out in black and white where your heart and agendas are.
> 
> Here we are two months later, and this is where you are at.
> 
> ...


 the OP has posted about an offer of a house in exchange for a quite divorce and she now in one of her posts yesterday said she was going to talk about finding the massages on his phone but one of the sons walked in , so she has no need to tell him she knows about the mistress they have talked of divorce , the cat is out of the bag she just thinks it is best to act as if it will go away


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> But yet two months have passed and during that time you have entertained Aunt Beulah and took her to the farmer's market when she came to town and you have fixed Lord knows how many casseroles for the church dinners and countless tips to the pool and the park with the kids and have had numerous date nights and family outings and barbecues with the neighbors.
> 
> Meanwhile your husband is living a whole other life with another woman.
> 
> ...


This is going down a slightly different path, but this is above is actually one of the things that WS's use to justify their affairs and one of the things that cause them to lose so much respect and esteem for their BS's. It is part of the package.

They are building a life with someone else and having some of the hottest sex of their lives while their BS is sitting on the couch with a beer in one hand and bowl chips in the other watching grown men throw a ball around, or they are making their umpteeth casserole for the church ladies and fussing over which table cloth to take to the picnic when Aunt Beulah comes to town to see the kids. 

Heck, in this case she is benefiting from her husband's relationship with the OW. 

My guess is Mr Cheating22 sees exactly what is going on here and he knows that she knows. But since she hasn't said a word and her biggest concern of the day is when to take Aunt Beulah to the farmer's market, he is taking that as a green light to continue building a life with the OW. 

And frankly, why shouldn't he??? She has openly stated she doesn't do sex and she has openly stated she has been too "busy" this summer to bring up something as trivial and peripheral as her husband having sex with and building a business and a life with another woman. As long as she is keeping the kids out of his hair while he's with the OW, he'd be a fool not to keep riding this train as far as the rails go. 

Why shouldn't he have hot, sweaty, breathless, porn sex with the OW when his wife makes it clear she ain't doing the nasty with him and is more concerned she put enough cheese on the tater tot casserole than keeping him out of other women's beds? He might as well send her pictures of the cumshots and tell her he had a great time and he will unload the dishwasher and then read a bedtime story to little Billy when he gets home.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

If he’s not having sex with you, you actually aren’t important to him. It’s a sign he loves the other woman


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> So he’s your nanny and nanny has a lover. That’s what this is. This is a farce of a marriage. He doesn’t love you. How do you not see that? Social media is ******. It’s all lies. You are a laughing stock


He has told her he loves me. I know I’m redundant when i say this but how is social media a lie when it’s events that are actually happening. We are not creating events because of social media. The events happen and we post as the events are happening. How are those a lie?
I understand that my husband has done the unthinkable and I am not shying away from this it’s just really hard to confront him and everyday I try to get the courage. Family events, our sons sports, so many things happening and if I bring this up, our children would be affected


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Why are you here?


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

frenchpaddy said:


> god Harry is a super Daddy he takes them every where does Molly help him feeding the boys , and tuck them into bed read a story and help them say their prayers ,
> EVERY kid needs a Super DADDY LIKE Harry does he take them to church as well,
> he even got them a second Mammy just in case , all kids now need two,HAVING one is just old fashioned , and when Molly has one or two boys you can give her what your boys had when they were small save the cost of buying more ,
> you could even offer to baby sit for her when she is out to dinner with Harry.
> ...


I have seen messages where she has talked about her tubes being tied because she didn’t want any more children and him discussing with her how he wants to get a vasectomy. He has talked to me briefly about years ago but they talk about it and joke about it and how they really don’t want any more children.


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> What you are actually saying here is that you fear the thought of facing your issues and possibly have to address some things in your marriage more than you fear him being involved with someone else.
> 
> You are saying you would rather he continue to live this double life with her rather that you address your issues and change anything in your life.
> 
> ...


I am truly terrified, our children, etc. I love my husband and I do know he loves me, he has told her the same. I always go back to her time doesn’t mean anything over our time together and I really just wish she would leave us alone!


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

You are ok with a cheater. You’re fine with it. Nothing is wrong with your marriage, got it. It’s fine to bang a hot woman and pine for her as long as you post your wife in pictures. That’s normal….says no rational person. Yes you are going places with him, so he can avoid telling everyone his sordid sex stories and how he wishes he was with OW. You truly are wearing blinders. Holy hell. Your kids are going to figure this out. You’ll be the rube in their eyes.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Openminded said:


> Why are you here?


She likes the attention you're all feeding her. I posted early on in this thread that there's a woman on another forum with an identical story that went for 100+ pages.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

He doesn’t want her to go! He loves her ! He’s chasing her ! He is happier than he’s ever been because of her! You are wallpaper to him. Please wise up ! Good lord what is the matter???? He wants a vasectomy to keep the sex going you hate.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Want her gone. Enjoy sex.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

TXTrini said:


> She likes the attention you're all feeding her. I posted early on in this thread that there's a woman on another forum with an identical story that went for 100+ pages.


Looking for a new record.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I'm surprised nobody has posted a popcorn-eating meme ...


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

husbandcheating22 said:


> I don’t think you understand that she doesn’t get family outings, vacations, the things that matter..I suppose this is why I consider myself first. I hate this too because I should be first and only.


Oh my, I didn't realize that. You get the vacations and such? I guess you really are the one he loves for real. I mean it says so on social media, right? You go girl! You got the life.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Do you have intimacy on vacation?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

I have never blocked a topic before where someone wanted help , but this OP does not want help 
but I don't want to know any more how good this man is so I am blocking this now


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@husbandcheating22 Your husband & his floozie think they have it made. Time you became Mrs Destructo and stopped their nonsense by blowing their **** to pieces.


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

Why don't you go and confront this other women ?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Jimi007 said:


> Why don't you go and confront this other women ?


But but not without witnesses.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> But but not without witnesses.


And video record.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

husbandcheating22 said:


> I am truly terrified, our children, etc. I love my husband and I do know he loves me, he has told her the same. I always go back to her time doesn’t mean anything over our time together and I really just wish she would leave us alone!


Well you just keep on wishing that. 

But in the mean time smile and be pleasant and don’t make any waves so you don’t stir anything up. 

You wouldn’t want to disrupt everyone’s perfect, happy life now would you.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Why are you so scared of telling the man you loved and married to stop dating other women?


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

husbandcheating22 said:


> My husband and I met in high school, we were together and then broke up and got back together, I got pregnant at 18 and he decided he wanted to always be around his child everyday and that we were going to be a family. We got married when our child turned 2. We have been married now for over a decade and I thought we were happy. We have had hiccups and honestly while we are great friends, I do feel that we are very different romantically but nothing our marriage can't fix to me. I found out he has been seeing a woman for 3 years. I have read some text messages to her and they are really really involved. He asks her opinion a lot about life matters, work matters, and from the looks of it, they started a secret business together! They even have a realtor to purchase property! My husband and I hardly have sex, and awhile ago in an argument he told me had checked out years ago but that to me is anger talking and we do have three beautiful children and he is such a great father! Ever so often, we do engage in physical intimacy and he still attends our family gatherings, outings with kids, family vacations, and even proclaims me on social media outlets knowing I love to share our relationship with our friends and family. He always makes it a point to post me on special occasions which to me always says "we are *OK*". I love to share this on my social media. He does all of these things which to me, I know this affair is temporary. He is very present!
> 
> My good friend tells me, he settled for me because of the children, he's obligated to me and if he has been with this woman for 3 years and counting, its not a fling but I just don't believe that! I guess here I am seeking any advice and if you think this 3-year relationship is real or not and how should I proceed. I do not want to ruffle any feathers because I do think this is temporary because of him being present and doesn’t miss a beat but it is very off-putting to know he is making money with this woman, she is in his personal life, I saw she helped him make multiple appointments, he goes to her for advice about everyday matters, he even shares things with her about our children! They are too intertwined to me but how intertwined could they be if he is still present with our family.
> 
> Just this past weekend, our oldest graduated and we are taking a "graduation vacation" until Thursday he has really posted me this weekend. I love when he does that. But when I looked into his phone, I saw that he made sure to see her before we left on our vacation. and he explained to her all of the activities we had planned this weekend with OUR family. He also told her he is excited to go because it is fun for our children. He told her he loved her and couldn't wait to be back from vacation to see her. I am so confused because he again has posted me all weekend, and it really makes my heart soar. What do you all think? I need all the raw advice and experience.


Lady, either you are happy with this arrangement or you are not. Everyone here can tell you anything, it's really up to you. Especially since you've drug this over from another forum from a year ago? If you really dig him banging you, playing with the kids, playing show and tell with everyone, while living another, sharing his heart with another as well as finances....then you are one strong woman. Don't complain here if you're good with the status quo. Otherwise listen to what you're told here and take back your life.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

husbandcheating22 said:


> I do mind it, I really just want things to play out. I see their texts conversations and he tells her he loves her and wants her and all I think is how stupid can she be because if he loved her he would be with her and I am hoping she makes an exit. It's hurtful.


So define play out? How much more shame and humiliation do you need? You keep dreaming when he files papers and rocks that perfect world.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Again, sweetie, you’re grasping at straws with the social media thing. You say he makes more money than you. Statistically, men with families do make more because having a family makes them seem mature and responsible. You are providing him a veneer of respectability.
> 
> I am a stranger on the internet, so take this for what it’s worth: there is nothing of love or respect in your story. There is a man living only for himself with no concern for anyone else, using two different women and 3 children to get what he wants from life with no concern for or even awareness of their feelings. Taking you out for your birthday is tossing you just enough crumbs to keep you around. He’s using everyone in his life. He’s a bad man. I’m so sorry.


Anyone here starting to smell something??


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

...


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> I don't know if she really loves him either, because her reaction to all this seems very bizarre to me.


I think this may be a fake.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

husbandcheating22 said:


> Thank you everyone for your posts. I have read each and every one of them. Yes, I did a post on another forum and received advice that I still read. I was advised by my counselor to post on another site because she said I seem to put a lot of stock in what others have to say based on their experiences. I don't have many to talk to so I do go online and do lots of research on this subject. And when something happens, I do want to run to a forum and give what happened to get their take on things. This past Saturday my husband did a thing on social media and really put surprised me. This was no special occasion and nothing happening but he posted "I will forever be grateful to you and will always love you. Because of you, at a young age, I knew my purpose. Thank you and I am forever indebted to you" I have been over the moon since this post. I havent been able to contact my counselor about this, but to me this is a turning point! That post was filled with so much love so of course I am hoping that he has ended things with her. I havent checked his phone since last weekend. That post to me was him finally letting off the excessive weight and realizing I am where everything lies. What do you all think?


Miss, I think he was publicly saying farewell in a tactful way.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> I don’t think a real counselor/therapist would EVER advise someone to seek input on serious marital issues on an online forum.
> 
> I would assume they would strongly urge you NOT to seek advice online while you are under their care.
> 
> This would be akin to an oncologist telling a cancer patient to look up and see what they can find out about cancer on a chat forum.


It's fake guys!


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

husbandcheating22 said:


> Thank you. Yes I do think 3 years is nothing compared to our history. We have a very detailed history so three years I was hoping was extremely temporary seeing that he still chose to be here with our family. I didn't think I was being naive, I was just looking at my husband every night still choose to come home to me.
> 
> Reading those last messages was very hurtful and I am still having anxiety on bringing this up. Our families would be crushed. Our children would be crushed. I am crushed. After years in our teenage years he finally chose me, I had been waiting and he chose me and we got pregnant and not on purpose. We have been in each other lives, half of our lives.


Maybe your children already know or suspect. Maybe your family won't be as crushed as you think. You should be crushed. 3 years?? Yet you still think he loves you? He's gonna choose you? He's already made his choice. Reality sucks lady. Think you should also consider a phychiatist.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Prodigal said:


> I'm surprised nobody has posted a popcorn-eating meme ...


They did. When I said anybody smell something??


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TinyTbone said:


> Anyone here starting to smell something??


Yes. Someone who doesn't follow the TAM rules. Posting Guidelines - Forum Rules (2022) 
2. Do not call out suspected trolls on the open forum. If you believe a story is made up and/or a poster is a troll, do not call them out on the open forum. Instead report the thread to the moderators using the report button and explain that you think they are a troll. The moderators will make the determination and ban any user who is trolling the site.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

MattMatt said:


> Yes. Someone who doesn't follow the TAM rules. Posting Guidelines - Forum Rules (2022)
> 2. Do not call out suspected trolls on the open forum. If you believe a story is made up and/or a poster is a troll, do not call them out on the open forum. Instead report the thread to the moderators using the report button and explain that you think they are a troll. The moderators will make the determination and ban any user who is trolling the site.


Ooops sorry. Mum's the world here on out!


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

For the record this is not a fake account or "troll" account this is my real life to where I have had panic attacks and it affecting me in more ways than one. It is a heavy burden to bare.

It has been months since I have been on here and this weekend triggered something to where I did need to write about it. To answer questions that would be asked,

I have not confronted my husband on his affair. I really did think things were looking up at one point. I stopped looking at his phone and he seems really in with our family. It is many sports seasons so he is super involved with our sons sports life and I live for these moments as well, the games, the camaraderie. As I said I really thought things had ended since he doesnt have room for anything but me and our family. We have done some dates as in adult outings with family members.

This weekend we had lots of family over and his phone dropped in our pool, he was cooking so I grabbed it and went to dry it off and that is when I seen a text message from a name I had never seen before. I opened the phone and while it was a male name, it was the same woman that it has been for these past couple of years. She had responded to a message from him telling her that :

She was the love of his life and he loved her with all of his heart and soul
That he was a changed man because of her and that he really had been an empty man and person before they had met
That he loves her and needs her in his life
That he is in love with her and doesnt see life without her
That she was his best friend and his soulmate
That he wants to be with her

She relayed the same setiments and told him that she loved him too.

I cannot believe he is still entertaining this woman!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Every time I think he has moved past it, or truly convinced that he his focused on our family, our marriage, our love, something happens.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Same old, same old. Or, as we say in Al-Anon, "Nothing changes if nothing changes."

Oh, yeah, and get tested for STDs.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

So you know he loves another woman. Stats with you but doesn’t want to. You won’t confront. Your life is a complete lie


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

husbandcheating22 said:


> Thank you QuietGuy for responding. As I take it you are a guy, then why does he stay with me? In my head, he is where he wants to be. I don't beg him to stay with me, but he is extremely present in our home. He does all of our family things and never misses a beat. On our anniversary he takes me and the children out, birthdays, holidays etc. He does not spend these special occasions with her. We have known each other for over 18 years and we are a love story that most envy. Project a happy family?


Sorry, but this doesn`t sound like a love story that most or anyone would envy.
It appears your husband is taking you for granted and on your part this is not true love but rather codependency. 
If you have evidence that your husband has another woman in his life it means you have a third party in your relationship.
Are you Indian or of a culture that is not western? 
If you are in a western country, the divorce system usually favours women in divorce cases and if you file for divorce or your husband files for divorce it is likely he will lose 50% or more of his assets, you will be awarded the home and full custody of the children, he will be stung for alimony, child support and only given visitation rights to his children on your terms.
Your 2 options are, to remain with your husband and he`s not going to change or divorce.
Think about it and decide your best way forward.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

husbandcheating22 said:


> For the record this is not a fake account or "troll" account this is my real life to where I have had panic attacks and it affecting me in more ways than one. It is a heavy burden to bare.
> 
> It has been months since I have been on here and this weekend triggered something to where I did need to write about it. To answer questions that would be asked,
> 
> ...


You are forever in denial. As said before. You are just a convenience for him. You are the caretaker of his children, nothing more. He isn't "entertaining" her, he is in love with her. Get used to it. You will never confront him. You will just keeping living this lie like a good little wife that is to scared to do anything about it.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

As Smokey the Bear says, “Only you cAn prevent forest fires”. You’ve got one in your bedroom.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

husbandcheating22 said:


> Thank you Captain Obvious for your reply. I am thinking it is not serious because he is still at home with me, he doesnt stay out all night, he is at home with me and our children. He attends all family events, he doesnt miss a beat with us. And he publicly acknowledges me, not her.


When do they spend time together?


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I see how difficult this is for you and how you have wanted to believe your husband's actions to be of love and concern for you. I see a man who has been trying to cover his actions through kind words on social media, this is simply a ploy to hide his affair from you and the world. This makes him look good, it has nothing to do with his feelings for you....sorry to say.

You have a few choices at this point.....accept the situation and continue to live life knowing he is having an affair. It is hard to say if the affair with end but even if it does, can you trust this man? Do you think there could be another affair later? You could confront the situation, tell your husband what needs to take place in order to keep the marriage. Or you can contact an attorney and move forward with a divorce. With 3 children you should be awarded a good amount of child support to help you. Depending on your state you might qualify for alimony. An attorney would be able to give you lots of good advise.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

My observation is that most cheaters don’t intend to ever get a divorce. Whether it’s due to finances, children or other reasons they plan on staying married but they also plan to continue cheating. Maybe your husband is just waiting to get out of your marriage or maybe he’s one who will never leave. That’s unknown for now. You’ve turned a blind eye to this for awhile and my guess is that you’ll continue to. Change only comes when effort is made. He’s not interested in getting rid of her and you afraid to confront him. So life will unfortunately continue on as it has been. Focus on you and not on him.


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

gameopoly5 said:


> Sorry, but this doesn`t sound like a love story that most or anyone would envy.
> It appears your husband is taking you for granted and on your part this is not true love but rather codependency.
> If you have evidence that your husband has another woman in his life it means you have a third party in your relationship.
> Are you Indian or of a culture that is not western?
> ...


I am not Indian or from a culture that is not western. While my husband is doing this thing, I never thought divorce would be in sight anywhere. To even think about it, is very difficult. we have been together for a long time.

thank you


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> You are forever in denial. As said before. You are just a convenience for him. You are the caretaker of his children, nothing more. He isn't "entertaining" her, he is in love with her. Get used to it. You will never confront him. You will just keeping living this lie like a good little wife that is to scared to do anything about it.


BigDaddy this is a honest question. what makes you think he in love with her. He is with me. I know this is crazy to some, but I am really trying to understand why people think he is in love with her. He is not with her. Just because he says it?


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

AVR1962 said:


> I see how difficult this is for you and how you have wanted to believe your husband's actions to be of love and concern for you. I see a man who has been trying to cover his actions through kind words on social media, this is simply a ploy to hide his affair from you and the world. This makes him look good, it has nothing to do with his feelings for you....sorry to say.
> 
> You have a few choices at this point.....accept the situation and continue to live life knowing he is having an affair. It is hard to say if the affair with end but even if it does, can you trust this man? Do you think there could be another affair later? You could confront the situation, tell your husband what needs to take place in order to keep the marriage. Or you can contact an attorney and move forward with a divorce. With 3 children you should be awarded a good amount of child support to help you. Depending on your state you might qualify for alimony. An attorney would be able to give you lots of good advise.


Thank you.


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

Before the holidays, my husband told me to shy away from social media and to not post him. This isn't too crazy because he doesn't really like social media like I do, but he also has been shying away from pictures. Keep in mind, he is still not missing in action, he attends all of our family outings and doesn't miss a beat. We even have a wedding of a close friend in 3 weeks.


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## SurfsUpToday (Dec 6, 2021)

husbandcheating22 said:


> Thank you QuietGuy for responding. As I take it you are a guy, then why does he stay with me? In my head, he is where he wants to be. I don't beg him to stay with me, but he is extremely present in our home. He does all of our family things and never misses a beat. On our anniversary he takes me and the children out, birthdays, holidays etc. He does not spend these special occasions with her. We have known each other for over 18 years and we are a love story that most envy. Project a happy family?


He stays with you to avoid child support and possible spousal support. Doesn’t sound like he loves you. If he did he wouldn’t cheat. You don’t seem upset so I’m guessing you are ok with him getting some with someone else.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

husbandcheating22 said:


> Before the holidays, my husband told me to shy away from social media and to not post him. This isn't too crazy because he doesn't really like social media like I do, but he also has been shying away from pictures. Keep in mind, he is still not missing in action, he attends all of our family outings and doesn't miss a beat. We even have a wedding of a close friend in 3 weeks.


He doesn’t want you killing his mood and his lovers desire for him. You are being made a laughing stick. You’re the punch line of every affair joke.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Why do I know he doesn’t love you? He’s screwing someone else. And probably not you.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Ask him who he’s passionately in love with- you or his mistress. Then you’ll have your real answer.


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## acrossthepond01 (7 mo ago)

husbandcheating22 said:


> BigDaddy this is a honest question. what makes you think he in love with her. He is with me. I know this is crazy to some, but I am really trying to understand why people think he is in love with her. He is not with her. Just because he says it?


Well he's not just saying "I love you" to her, he's confiding in other people that he truly loves her (didn't he tell his brother?).

Also, he's been telling her for nearly FOUR YEARS that he loves her. If he didn't love her, and truly loved you, this affair would be long over with years ago and if he truly loved you it would be HIS CONCIOUS CHOICE to end the affair or not start it to begin with.

Ask yourself - Why hasn't *he *made a conscious choice by himself to end this affair for the last 4+ years? It is not like this woman is threatening him to stay. This is a choice he is making because he loves her and wants her around. He could also make a different choice to end it but he continues not to do that because *he doesn't want to*. And I'm sorry but that means that he doesn't truly love you.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

husbandcheating22 said:


> BigDaddy this is a honest question. what makes you think he in love with her. He is with me. I know this is crazy to some, but I am really trying to understand why people think he is in love with her. He is not with her. Just because he says it?


@acrossthepond01 did a good job of answering. He has been telling her and others that he loves her for years. She is his romantic love. He has sex with her and not with you. 

I'm sorry, but you continue to delude yourself into believing what you want to be true. That she is not important, just a passing phase. You have to know that isn't true. He has been involved with her romantically and a partner in other ways for YEARS. I think the fact that you won't confront him about his affair is because deep down you are afraid of the truth. That when you confront him you will find out who he really loves.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

husbandcheating22 said:


> Before the holidays, my husband told me to shy away from social media and to not post him. This isn't too crazy because he doesn't really like social media like I do, but he also has been shying away from pictures. Keep in mind, he is still not missing in action, he attends all of our family outings and doesn't miss a beat. We even have a wedding of a close friend in 3 weeks.


He told you this because she is jealous of the false public image of a happily married man and he is tired of having to explain to his lover why he spends so much time with you. She knows his marriage is one of convenience, not love and doesn't want that public image out there.

The funny thing about all this is your "husband" playing both of you in this love triangle. Both you and her a cowardly fools. You both want him all to yourself and you both know about each other, but neither of you are brave enough to confront him about it. The guy has the best of both worlds while you two are his gullible pawns. Sad and funny at the same time.


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## Enigmatic (Jul 16, 2021)

Your husband stays with you because he does not want you to raise his children alone. You've told us this! He offered to buy you a house if you would leave and let him take the boys. That was many years ago. You refused, so he's biding his time until your boys are old enough that they can choose to be with him. That's when he'll leave you for Amanda.

Amanda is the the person he loves romantically and sexually. You are someone he possibly loves as a friend and the mother of his children. You've said you don't/won't have sex with him, and this has no doubt helped to fuel the double life he leads.

You have been asking the same questions for 2 years now, without taking any actions to either fight for your marriage or plan for a divorce. Hell, you are too afraid to even confront your husband. I suspect it is because you know deep down that, if forced to make a choice, he will choose Amanda. But if you aren't willing to take action to change things, what do you expect to get out of a message board like TAM?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

husbandcheating22 said:


> BigDaddy this is a honest question. what makes you think he in love with her. He is with me. I know this is crazy to some, but I am really trying to understand why people think he is in love with her. He is not with her. Just because he says it?


You’re thinking like a girl. Women replace one partner with another if they think the other is a bigger, better deal. 

men just add more to the collection.

if you are cool with being the housemate, maid and babysitter while he loves up and has sex with other women, that is your perogative.

But if you want a sexually exclusive traditional monogamous marriage, that is not what is taking place here.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

husbandcheating22 said:


> Before the holidays, my husband told me to shy away from social media and to not post him. This isn't too crazy because he doesn't really like social media like I do, but he also has been shying away from pictures. Keep in mind, he is still not missing in action, he attends all of our family outings and doesn't miss a beat. We even have a wedding of a close friend in 3 weeks.


That’s because he wants to have a public image of a single, available man and also so seeing pictures of him with you doesn’t upset his girlfriend(s).


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

@husbandcheating22 I would think the 4 years they've been together, the business they own together, their matching tattoos and all the times he's told her he loves her would make the answer obvious, but can you at least admit that what he has with the other woman is not just a fling as you stated in your OP?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

_“The denial is strong with this one”_

- Varth Dader


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

OP, you don’t want sex with him (do you want sex with anyone), but you like having a provider and father for your kids, and sharing family time. Honestly, this isn’t an arrangement I’d go for, but for you it’s not really that bad if a deal. Both if you are getting your needs met. Realize, however, that when your boys turn 18, he’s likely gone (or maybe not, he may like your housekeeping too).

If you’re ok with that, just stay with him. Problem solved. No, he doesn’t love you. But you know that.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

You posted earlier that "every time you think you're past it, something happens". No, it's been happening the entire time, for 4 YEARS. It's just that sometimes you're forced to pull your head out of the sand when you're confronted with the EVIDENCE that your husband is cheating on you.

Now, if you're ok with sharing your husband with another woman regardless of how much he might or might not love her, then carry on.

I guess the fear of losing him is greater than the pain of knowing he's giving a lot of himself to someone else. And lying to you about it. To me, the ongoing deception is probably the worst part.

But you say nothing. You simply accept things as they are while hoping he'll eventually leave her. Even though there's absolutely no sign this is going to happen. You repeatedly say that he's "with you". What does that even mean? Of course he's "with you", you live together and co-parent your children. But he's screwing another woman and communicating with her all day long! This woman is a huge part of his life, he obviously has strong feelings for her whether you define them as "love" or something else is irrelevant. And this affair has been going on for the better part of 4 YEARS. This is deeply concerning.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

It’s been going on 4 years. She’s ok with it.

I think op actually likes the arrangement since she doesn’t like sex at all and feels guilty about it. If her husband would lie to her a little and tell her he loves her, she’d be happy.

why should she care he’s banging another woman? That’s not a negative to her.
She doesn’t want to have sex with him and knows that.


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## Enigmatic (Jul 16, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> I think op actually likes the arrangement since she doesn’t like sex at all and feels guilty about it.


The irony is that OP became pregnant during a dalliance with her now-husband when he had a steady gf, so she knows full well the power of sex. 

I wonder what will happen if Amanda becomes pregnant.


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

OP you have read the text messages 🙄 

This is a classic case of being addicted to the Hopium Pipe. 

Find yourself and dump this trash...

Live with it or get rid of it...SMFH..


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

Happy Holidays everyone. Today I was happy but not really. Amanda had finally disappeared or so I thought again. I try to give my husband tests to see if he goes along with them or refuse. And since the last time where he mentioned social media, I had presented him with taking holiday photos with us and our children. He happily accepted. We took these family holiday photos and had a great time doing so. We went to dinner afterwards and it was really an amazing experience for us and our children. The photos came back and we all were excited about them.

I posted these photos on my personal social media page and the same day I did, he was in a horrible mood. this has been happening now for a couple of days and now today is Christmas. He’s in a festive mood but it’s still off to me. I went into his text messages and saw that he had texted her this morning

“babe I love you and you mean everything to me, I’ve never needed anyone but I need you and I am going to get it together, you’ve helped me grow and find out who I really was versus doing things for others, I am in love with you and I am not ok without you, you are my home. Pictures are nothing if the people in it, act. I’m not giving up on us. I love you and Merry Christmas”


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

He is straight out showing you it’s a sham and he has no feelings for you. Your a fascade


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

I asked why did he agree to take photos since he’s not really a photo person and he said “because we are family why wouldn’t I, that’s important”

It really got me in an angry state. Important? Is it really important to you??
I’ve been really trying to keep it together

he’s also been taking photos all day with us, smiling and laughing but he could text that this morning.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Elaine picture means nothing. People in ads look great in pictures. When’s the last time he texted how head over heels in love with you he is? You do know this is shallow and meaningless.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

I’d take tge text from him over a fb pic anyday


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

husbandcheating22 said:


> Happy Holidays everyone. Today I was happy but not really. Amanda had finally disappeared or so I thought again. I try to give my husband tests to see if he goes along with them or refuse. And since the last time where he mentioned social media, I had presented him with taking holiday photos with us and our children. He happily accepted. We took these family holiday photos and had a great time doing so. We went to dinner afterwards and it was really an amazing experience for us and our children. The photos came back and we all were excited about them.
> 
> I posted these photos on my personal social media page and the same day I did, he was in a horrible mood. this has been happening now for a couple of days and now today is Christmas. He’s in a festive mood but it’s still off to me. I went into his text messages and saw that he had texted her this morning
> 
> “babe I love you and you mean everything to me, I’ve never needed anyone but I need you and I am going to get it together, you’ve helped me grow and find out who I really was versus doing things for others, I am in love with you and I am not ok without you, you are my home. Pictures are nothing if the people in it, act. I’m not giving up on us. I love you and Merry Christmas”


And what about what he sent to her has given you ANY thoughts that he still wants to be with you for real?


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

jlg07 said:


> And what about what he sent to her has given you ANY thoughts that he still wants to be with you for real?


I understand what you are trying to get it at. Have you looked at it as maybe he is lying to her?


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> Elaine picture means nothing. People in ads look great in pictures. When’s the last time he texted how head over heels in love with you he is? You do know this is shallow and meaningless.


Couldn’t we say the same about text messages?


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

I understand what some of you are saying and some things I do not. Some of you are putting a text meaning more than an actual photo that’s being outwardly displayed to our family and friends. But I understand.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

husbandcheating22 said:


> I understand what you are trying to get it at. Have you looked at it as maybe he is lying to her?


So. I will try to break down what you said a bit more (I am truly sorry that he is treating you like this --- you shouldn't put up with it and I hope you eventually find your anger to end this charade):



husbandcheating22 said:


> Happy Holidays everyone. Today I was happy but not really. Amanda had finally disappeared or so I thought again. I try to give my husband tests to see if he goes along with them or refuse. And since the last time where he mentioned social media, I had presented him with taking holiday photos with us and our children. He happily accepted. We took these family holiday photos and had a great time doing so. We went to dinner afterwards and it was really an amazing experience for us and our children. The photos came back and we all were excited about them.


SO he put on a good face for the kids that he was into the pictures. He MAY in fact be happy he got holiday pics with his children.



> I posted these photos on my personal social media page and the same day I did, he was in a horrible mood.


Because he didn't want Amanda to get any bad ideas that he in fact DOES love you and wants to be with you....



> this has been happening now for a couple of days and now today is Christmas. He’s in a festive mood but it’s still off to me. I went into his text messages and saw that he had texted her this morning


Again, he was festive because he got to see his kids open the presents and hear their joy.
BUT then he immediately goes and texts HER -- what does that tell YOU?



> “babe I love you and you mean everything to me, I’ve never needed anyone but I need you and I am going to get it together, you’ve helped me grow and find out who I really was versus doing things for others, I am in love with you and I am not ok without you, you are my home. Pictures are nothing if the people in it, act. I’m not giving up on us. I love you and Merry Christmas”


He tells HER that the pictures are all an act because he loves HER and she's not in the pictures.
He tells HER that he loves her, that he wants to be with him and says that SHE IS HIS HOME!!! Home is where the heart is, so what do you think he means? It means SHE is the one he loves.

I am very sorry you are going through this, especially at Christmas...


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

He is standing still in a picture. Look in the mirror and smile. Anyone can do that . Why on earth would he spill his guts to someone he didn’t love? He wouldn’t.

youve taken pictures with people you didn’t really like, right? Same with your husband

I don’t want to be mean, but please stop being obtuse. You’re a laughing stock. Your husband does not want to be with you and very soon he’s going to leave. As soon as he can he’s out. Wake up. Why are you living such a lie? It’s so embarrassing to watch


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

your family and friends probably know and feel for you, like “ how can she be that dumb?”. For real. You hate sex with him, he’s getting all he can with his lover, and you’re the punchline to a joke .


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

husbandcheating22 said:


> I understand what some of you are saying and some things I do not. Some of you are putting a text meaning more than an actual photo that’s being outwardly displayed to our family and friends. But I understand.


It is sad that you can't see how foolish you are. You are a grown woman, mother and wife and you gauge the entire worth of your family life and quality of your marriage by its presence on social media. While at the same time you ignore real life unfolding in front of you. You allow your husband to live a dual life. His family life with his kids and their nanny/maid (yes you are just a caretaker to him, no romantic love) and his intellectually intriguing and sexually desirable girl friend. 

At one point I think you said your therapist told you to post here, the 2nd forum you've posted to, for some other opinions. This was because you got advice and feedback you didn't agree with. Now you are here getting the exact same responses and yet again you don't like what you are reading. If your therapist really told you to come to here, which I actually think is a BS story, you need to fire them and find a new therapist. Now good therapist would tell a person like you that has a ridiculously unhealthy relationship with SM to go post on more sites. They would be guiding you to take a step back from SM. 

No matter what fairytale you convince yourself that exists, the reality is and always will be that you are nothing more than the caretaker of his children. He will never love you the way a wife should be loved.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

OP, 
I think what he’s doing is horribly wrong, but he’s staying for his kids abs when they’re 18 he’s GONE. All I’m saying if you don’t like having sex with him……. As Chris Rock said, “I don’t condone it, but I understand it”.


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## Enigmatic (Jul 16, 2021)

husbandcheating22 said:


> I went into his text messages and saw that he had texted her this morning
> 
> “babe I love you and you mean everything to me, I’ve never needed anyone but I need you and I am going to get it together, you’ve helped me grow and find out who I really was versus doing things for others, I am in love with you and I am not ok without you, you are my home. Pictures are nothing if the people in it, act. *I’m not giving up on us.* I love you and Merry Christmas”


Regarding the bolded... it sounds as though Amanda is running out of patience. Pretty soon your husband will either make his exit or lose her. If the former, you'll finally have irrefutable evidence of where his heart is. If the latter (because of his ties to the boys and unwillingness for them to be raised by you), you are going to have one very unhappy, resentful guy on your hands. Either way, sounds like things are coming to a head.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

husbandcheating22 said:


> “babe I love you and you mean everything to me, I’ve never needed anyone but I need you and I am going to get it together, you’ve helped me grow and find out who I really was versus doing things for others, I am in love with you and I am not ok without you, you are my home. Pictures are nothing if the people in it, act. I’m not giving up on us. I love you and Merry Christmas”


He's basically apologizing for pictures that show him with you and explaining it means nothing, and reaffirming his love and commitment to her.

At least he's got his priorities straight.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Be real. You have to realize your husband uses you ax a prop to avoid getting **** from family, you are most likely the stuff of legends regarding men that openly cheat.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

He could simply be lying to you both to keep you exactly where he has you.

The irony is that cake eaters never really choose. They just keep their spouse and the other person going at the same time, until one threatens to walk away. And even then, if you were to divorce him, he would still try to keep you and tell her he’s leaving you. Your husband sounds like the classic cake eater cheater. 

I wish you could see what we see.😔


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He and his wife don’t have sex. Her idea of a hot, romantic dinner is a nice dinner with pictures to show she actually has a husband on fb. 

He’s not cake eating. He’s just not divorcing her so he doesn’t get screwed financially and still gets to see his kids. 
Considering OP hates sex and men cooties, she’s actually getting what she desires which is a dad for her kids/spider killer/provider.

However, I too agree that his new squeeze is getting impatient.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

If you don't think it's serious that your husband is having sex with another woman and telling her that he loves her, then I don't think any of us can help you understand what's going on.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

You could probably get your husband back if you would start having sex with him again and doing it regularly and enthusiastically. However, if you aren't sexual with your husband, he has already shown you that he is going to get it elsewhere. Since he has already fallen in love with another woman, it is likely that he will leave you for her, because she is obviously getting impatient and will pressure him to leave you for her. If you continue to refuse sex with your husband, he will be drawn away from you towards the other woman and it won't take much longer for her to convince him to leave you. Then not only will you be without your husband, but the other woman will be a step-mother to your children and they will probably grow to love her as well.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Okay. Let me get this straight: OP does NOT have sex with her husband. Please direct me to the thread where she admits this.

Also, if that is the case, it sounds like her husband has a unilateral open marriage. It seems she knows this. So I'm trying to understand why she's so upset. 

She doesn't want to leave. He wants to be "in love" with another woman. OP gets angry at finding her husband's latest text. But she still doesn't want to have sex with him????

Please clarify/educate me to exactly what is going down here. Thanks!


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> Okay. Let me get this straight: OP does NOT have sex with her husband. Please direct me to the thread where she admits this.
> 
> Also, if that is the case, it sounds like her husband has a unilateral open marriage. It seems she knows this. So I'm trying to understand why she's so upset.
> 
> ...


She says it straight up in the post below, no sex.

She is just in some kind of denial that her family isn't picture perfect for SM, on which she bases her whole life's worth.



husbandcheating22 said:


> My husband has never told me he married me because I was pregnant. But he did tell her that was a driving force. I did sweep that under the rugh thinking he was lying to her to make it "look good".
> 
> No I do not have sex with him. I don't get why there is such a huge concentration on sex. We are married. He didnt marry me for the sex so why would that dictate the kind of love he has for me?
> 
> ...


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Prodigal said:


> Okay. Let me get this straight: OP does NOT have sex with her husband. Please direct me to the thread where she admits this.
> 
> Also, if that is the case, it sounds like her husband has a unilateral open marriage. It seems she knows this. So I'm trying to understand why she's so upset.
> 
> ...


First she says:


husbandcheating22 said:


> *We hardly have sex,* but we hang out with our friends, we go to our sons events, we hang out together.


Then she gushes about a date she went on with her husband, but admits that they didn't have sex.


husbandcheating22 said:


> *We did not have sex after our date earlier this week or this evening.* We went out tonight, picked up our children afterwards, and then went home and he played video games with our oldest sons until they all fell asleep on the couch.


Later, she finally admits that they do not have a sexual relationship and she doesn't understand why people think that's a problem.


husbandcheating22 said:


> *No I do not have sex with him.* I don't get why there is such a huge concentration on sex. We are married. He didnt marry me for the sex so why would that dictate the kind of love he has for me?


When is the last time you had sex with your husband, @husbandcheating22?
Amanda is getting impatient. She may threaten to leave him if he doesn't leave you. Yes, he has the children with you; a home and a family, but you don't have a sex life. That is a deal breaker for many married people. Why did you stop having sex with your husband? Why do you downplay its importance? Do you understand that your husband obviously believes he needs sex in order to be happy?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Thank you so much for updating me. So the OP isn't interested in a sexual relationship with her husband. So why is she angry he's gone elsewhere? She wants to stay married to him. Apparently, for the time being at least, he wants to stay married to her.

Can anyone else see that this sounds so weird/stupid/downright looney that it doesn't make much sense???? I don't get her anger. Does the OP's husband realize she knows about his long-term affair? Has she let him know? (If I recall she refuses to discuss it with him.)

So he doesn't discuss the elephant in the room, nor does she. Again, my question is why is she posting? Sorry, if I sound obtuse. I'm just having a problem wrapping my head around this level of denial.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Prodigal said:


> Thank you so much for updating me. So the OP isn't interested in a sexual relationship with her husband. So why is she angry he's gone elsewhere? She wants to stay married to him. Apparently, for the time being at least, he wants to stay married to her.
> 
> 
> Can anyone else see that this sounds so weird/stupid/downright looney that it doesn't make much sense???? I don't get her anger. Does the OP's husband realize she knows about his long-term affair? Has she let him know? (If I recall she refuses to discuss it with him.)
> ...


What I think is happening--->
@husbandcheating22 doesn't see sex as that important, even to the point that it doesn't bother her very much that her husband is enjoying sex with another woman. She doesn't see sex as intimate and bonding. She thinks that the family she and her husband made define their marriage. She is satisfied and fulfilled by the family they have made with their children. Sex is just a biological function and not important to long term marriage. Making and nurturing a family while loving and caring for each other is what makes a healthy marriage.
Therefore, the sexual aspect of the affair is no big deal. I think she sees a problem when she reads all the love and commitment talk he's having with the other woman. I'm no fan of cheating and don't think there's any excuse for it. However, a weak man who is tempted (especially when his wife doesn’t consider his sexual needs to be actual needs) and finds a woman who fulfills both his emotional and sexual needs is likely to easily fall. This relationship must have started as an emotional affair. He probably told the AP that he never had sex with his wife and it went sexual shortly after that.
@husbandcheating22 isn't making the connection, because she doesn't recognize the importance of the sexual relationship in marriage. She sees it as no big deal to starve her husband of her physical affection. If she doesn't wake up and change her viewpoint, she's going to be very sad, very soon. I think there's still a chance to save the marriage, if her husband's needs become important to her. Otherwise, this marriage is doomed.

(Edited to correct errors that confuse meaning.)


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I agree, but the marriage was doomed from the start because the OP never wanted her husband romantically/physically from the get go. She can’t save it because she doesn’t want him in a physical way, the AP does.
No hope for this marriage.


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

jlg07 said:


> So. I will try to break down what you said a bit more (I am truly sorry that he is treating you like this --- you shouldn't put up with it and I hope you eventually find your anger to end this charade):
> 
> 
> SO he put on a good face for the kids that he was into the pictures. He MAY in fact be happy he got holiday pics with his children.
> ...


thank you for your view and comments. I completely understandwhat you mean when you say “home is where the heart is” but presence is also very important as well right? I am starting to realize he has an addiction to her in some form.
I really do understand what you said but don’t you think if he truly loved her as everyone seems to think, he wouldn’t spend the time he spends with me. I feel like time is such a intimate concept.


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> He is standing still in a picture. Look in the mirror and smile. Anyone can do that . Why on earth would he spill his guts to someone he didn’t love? He wouldn’t.
> 
> youve taken pictures with people you didn’t really like, right? Same with your husband
> 
> I don’t want to be mean, but please stop being obtuse. You’re a laughing stock. Your husband does not want to be with you and very soon he’s going to leave. As soon as he can he’s out. Wake up. Why are you living such a lie? It’s so embarrassing to watch


I have never faked a romantic couple photo as we did that as well in addition to our family photos as I wanted a photo with just us.

I understand the living the lie..I’m starting to see the lieis that we are not the perfect couple at all


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> It is sad that you can't see how foolish you are. You are a grown woman, mother and wife and you gauge the entire worth of your family life and quality of your marriage by its presence on social media. While at the same time you ignore real life unfolding in front of you. You allow your husband to live a dual life. His family life with his kids and their nanny/maid (yes you are just a caretaker to him, no romantic love) and his intellectually intriguing and sexually desirable girl friend.
> 
> At one point I think you said your therapist told you to post here, the 2nd forum you've posted to, for some other opinions. This was because you got advice and feedback you didn't agree with. Now you are here getting the exact same responses and yet again you don't like what you are reading. If your therapist really told you to come to here, which I actually think is a BS story, you need to fire them and find a new therapist. Now good therapist would tell a person like you that has a ridiculously unhealthy relationship with SM to go post on more sites. They would be guiding you to take a step back from SM.
> 
> No matter what fairytale you convince yourself that exists, the reality is and always will be that you are nothing more than the caretaker of his children. He will never love you the way a wife should be loved.


I do not gauge by life off of its presence of social media. The pictures are a still shot of real life. I could not post our life in public without it actually happening. I don’t understand why people are saying social media is fake when it’s real it’s just a time slot of the real happening.
My therapist indeed did tell me to post because of how my mind operates I suppose and how I screamed that most would take my side or things because my husband chooses to STAY every single day. I don’t know the true meaning why she recommended that


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> OP,
> I think what he’s doing is horribly wrong, but he’s staying for his kids abs when they’re 18 he’s GONE. All I’m saying if you don’t like having sex with him……. As Chris Rock said, “I don’t condone it, but I understand it”.


thank you


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

Enigmatic said:


> Regarding the bolded... it sounds as though Amanda is running out of patience. Pretty soon your husband will either make his exit or lose her. If the former, you'll finally have irrefutable evidence of where his heart is. If the latter (because of his ties to the boys and unwillingness for them to be raised by you), you are going to have one very unhappy, resentful guy on your hands. Either way, sounds like things are coming to a head.


I saw a text of him telling her to “give him some time and he will figure it all out and that he really loves her” and he response was “I’m not making you do anything, your life has always been in your own hands, I just want you to stop doing always the right thing, do what feeds you. You got married when you didn’t know yourself because it was the right thing to do. You don’t go after your career dreams because it’s the right thing to do. What about the right thing for you. I am your best friend before anything else and I want you to be happy in yourself”

she doesn’t seem like a really great influence by telling him NOT TO DO THE RIGHT THING. I took a photo of that really mind blown at how someone can really tell someone not to do the right thing.


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

Cynthia said:


> You could probably get your husband back if you would start having sex with him again and doing it regularly and enthusiastically. However, if you aren't sexual with your husband, he has already shown you that he is going to get it elsewhere. Since he has already fallen in love with another woman, it is likely that he will leave you for her, because she is obviously getting impatient and will pressure him to leave you for her. If you continue to refuse sex with your husband, he will be drawn away from you towards the other woman and it won't take much longer for her to convince him to leave you. Then not only will you be without your husband, but the other woman will be a step-mother to your children and they will probably grow to love her as well.


I don’t have a sexual drive like that and he stopped having one too more than a decade ago. We planned our children so we wouldn’t have an only child and they would have a village as they got older. He stopped asking for sex years ago which I was very surprised to see that he was having a sexual affair. We had our first child not planned and it took years for us to have another one. Just wasnt into sex.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

husbandcheating22 said:


> I don’t have a sexual drive like that and he stopped having one too more than a decade ago. We planned our children so we wouldn’t have an only child and they would have a village as they got older. He stopped asking for sex years ago which I was very surprised to see that he was having a sexual affair. We had our first child not planned and it took years for us to have another one. Just wasnt into sex.


he certainly is very into sex. Just not with you. He’s into it because he’s madly in love with her


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## husbandcheating22 (8 mo ago)

Prodigal said:


> Okay. Let me get this straight: OP does NOT have sex with her husband. Please direct me to the thread where she admits this.
> 
> Also, if that is the case, it sounds like her husband has a unilateral open marriage. It seems she knows this. So I'm trying to understand why she's so upset.
> 
> ...


We do not sex but we have a true relationship and partnership. Sex isn’t our foundation. We take trips, we go dates, we spend time at home together.

that’s why I keep saying Amanda is temporary because of the sex she has provided. That is not a basis foranything substantial especially not love. She doesn’t get half of what I get with my husband-time.
I don’t understand the focus of sex here.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Cause the only people you share sex with you typically care more about. You’re important because of the kids. Doesn’t it bother you that he doesn’t write you love letters or tell you you’re the best thing to happen to him? You’re a sister to him,


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

husbandcheating22 said:


> I don’t have a sexual drive like that and *he stopped having one too more than a decade ago.* We planned our children so we wouldn’t have an only child and they would have a village as they got older. He stopped asking for sex years ago which I was very surprised to see that he was having a sexual affair. We had our first child not planned and it took years for us to have another one. Just wasnt into sex.


 Your husband is having sex with his girlfriend. Obviously he has a sex drive. Him not asking for sex doesn't mean he doesn't have a sex drive. He probably gave up and was tired of being turned down. Saying he doesn't have a sex drive doesn't make it true.



husbandcheating22 said:


> that’s why I keep saying Amanda is temporary because of the sex she has provided.


This is nonsense! lol You think it's temporary because they are having sex, but it's real for you because you aren't having sex? 

You are drawing conclusions that make no sense whatsoever. You are making things up to suit your own desires. You are not taking your husband into account. If you don't start really learning what your husband's needs are and providing him with sex, you are going to lose him to the other woman. He loves her. He is having sex with her. He has financial ties to her. He has made a separate life with her and she is pressuring him to leave you. When he does leave you, you'll be shocked and think it's only temporary.

If you don't have a sex drive, I recommend that you see a doctor to determine if there is a physical reason. What does your therapist say about you not having a sex drive?

I hate to see marriages fail, but I cannot imagine your husband staying married to you when you are so oblivious to his needs. Your oblivion, your husband's cheating, this sham of a marriage; they are all highly dysfunctional and bad for all of you.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

husbandcheating22 said:


> We do not sex but we have a true relationship and partnership. Sex isn’t our foundation.


Apparently sex IS important to your husband, since he's been having it with his lover for the past FOUR YEARS.

I find it interesting that you use "we" as if to speak for both yourself and your husband. Basically, your husband is conducting an open marriage and you're okay with it. 

That being the case, I cannot fathom why you come on here to vent/rant every time you find a love note from him to the other woman. It's been going on for years. So why keep griping about it?

ETA: You're not interested in having sex with your husband. Apparently, he's not interested in having sex with you. I fail to see what, if any, problem there is.


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## Enigmatic (Jul 16, 2021)

husbandcheating22 said:


> I saw a text of him telling her to “give him some time and he will figure it all out and that he really loves her” and he response was “I’m not making you do anything, your life has always been in your own hands, I just want you to stop doing always the right thing, do what feeds you. You got married when you didn’t know yourself because it was the right thing to do. You don’t go after your career dreams because it’s the right thing to do. What about the right thing for you. I am your best friend before anything else and I want you to be happy in yourself”
> 
> she doesn’t seem like a really great influence by telling him NOT TO DO THE RIGHT THING. I took a photo of that really mind blown at how someone can really tell someone not to do the right thing.


Her perspective is that your husband has been trapped in a "duty" marriage for many years. Apparently, he also feels trapped in his career, possibly because he doesn't think that he can be a good provider while still taking some of the risks inherent with growing or changing his career. She's advocating for him to put himself first and not remain tethered to a woman who has no interest in an intimate relationship with her husband, sexually or otherwise.



husbandcheating22 said:


> I don’t have a sexual drive like that and he stopped having one too more than a decade ago. We planned our children so we wouldn’t have an only child and they would have a village as they got older. He stopped asking for sex years ago which I was very surprised to see that he was having a sexual affair. We had our first child not planned and it took years for us to have another one. Just wasnt into sex.


He's into sex, just not with you.

Not saying that there aren't asexual men in the world but you do realise that this is extremely rare, especially for a young man (as he was when you married and still is). 



husbandcheating22 said:


> We do not sex but we have a true relationship and partnership. Sex isn’t our foundation. We take trips, we go dates, we spend time at home together.
> 
> that’s why I keep saying Amanda is temporary because of the sex she has provided. That is not a basis for anything substantial especially not love. She doesn’t get half of what I get with my husband-time.
> I don’t understand the focus of sex here.


*You are making the mistake of discounting that which you do not understand.* If you want to get an idea of how important sex is to most people, go read through the threads in the "Sex and Marriage" forum. You will see that the #1 complaint is one partner no longer wanting sex while the other still does. 

For most people, sex is what defines a marriage as being different from any other relationship. Many people have close bonds with siblings, parents, other family members and friends, and may even share a home with those people and raise children with them (for example, adult children living with their parents who are caregivers to the adult child's children). Sex is reserved for intimate love between two people who are passionate about each other. So no, what you have with your husband is _not _the substance of a marriage. 

Amanda represents romantic and sexual love to your husband. At best, you represent companionate love. Ideally, all 3 types exist within a marriage but, in your case, they are split between you and Amanda. Once your boys are grown or old enough to choose to live with your husband in the event of a divorce, your husband will leave. You've spent at least a year ignoring this truth and it's unclear to me what you are hoping to get out of posting, particularly since all replies have said more or less the same thing. If you are hoping for a response that says _you are right, Amanda is just a distraction and your husband really loves you_, you are going to have a long wait.

Just because your husband shows up for family events (likely to provide stability for your boys) and the occasional date night (a night that never ends in sex ) does not mean you have a healthy marriage. A true marriage involves sexual, romantic, and emotional intimacy and vulnerability -- your marriage appears to be devoid of all of these.


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

Does he know you read this most recent text? If not, how do read that and say nothing? If so, what does he say. I mean that was pretty self explanatory.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

husbandcheating22 said:


> I do not gauge by life off of its presence of social media. The pictures are a still shot of real life. I could not post our life in public without it actually happening. I don’t understand why people are saying social media is fake when it’s real it’s just a time slot of the real happening.
> My therapist indeed did tell me to post because of how my mind operates I suppose and *how I screamed that most would take my side or things because my husband chooses to STAY every single day.* I don’t know the true meaning why she recommended that


How do you feel now that you've been proven wrong in regard to the bolded statement? In spite of everyone seeing it differently you continue to argue the same old thing.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

husbandcheating22 said:


> I saw a text of him telling her to “give him some time and he will figure it all out and that he really loves her” and he response was “I’m not making you do anything, your life has always been in your own hands, I just want you to stop doing always the right thing, do what feeds you. You got married when you didn’t know yourself because it was the right thing to do. You don’t go after your career dreams because it’s the right thing to do. What about the right thing for you. I am your best friend before anything else and I want you to be happy in yourself”
> 
> she doesn’t seem like a really great influence by telling him NOT TO DO THE RIGHT THING. I took a photo of that really mind blown at how someone can really tell someone not to do the right thing.


Again, you are so biased you don't see what she is really saying. You cherry picked one statement and missed the whole intent of what she was saying. She said stop doing what everyone thinks is the "right" thing and look out for himself for a change. She is saying he is making all the sacrifices for others. She isn't telling him to not do the right thing.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

husbandcheating22 said:


> I don’t have a sexual drive like that and he stopped having one too more than a decade ago. We planned our children so we wouldn’t have an only child and they would have a village as they got older. He stopped asking for sex years ago which I was very surprised to see that he was having a sexual affair. We had our first child not planned and it took years for us to have another one. Just wasnt into sex.


Are you really this stupid? I mean come on. I've never seen someone delude themselves so badly. He didn't lose his sex drive. He stopped asking and getting rejected when he found his LONG TERM GIRLFRIEND. Read that again, LONG TERM GIRLFRIEND.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Teacherwifemom said:


> Does he know you read this most recent text? If not, how do read that and say nothing. If so, what does he say. I mean that was pretty self explanatory.


She is petrified to say anything, because as soon as she does she knows he will be forced to make a choice between her and the OW. She probably wouldn't like the outcome of that.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

OP,
He loves his gf. He loves you too, it’s just not love that’s romantic. It’s not love that will cause him to be married to you forever.
And Amanda is about to turn up the heat. Think molten lava type heat. I’d advise you to not post pictures of you and your husband on fb, if you plan on him staying a while longer. You might even consider asking him if she wants to come live with you two and you can keep on being his sister wife. Heck, you wouldn’t even have to sleep with him then.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

ask him if he plans to leave when kids are 18. Bet you anything he is gone that week. He’s there because of the kids. You never had a romantic relationship


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

snowbum said:


> ask him if he plans to leave when kids are 18. Bet you anything he is gone that week. He’s there because of the kids. You never had a romantic relationship


I doubt she will ever ask that kind of question, because deep down somewhere behind that wall she has put up she knows the truth.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

husbandcheating22 said:


> .I’m starting to see the lieis that we are not the perfect couple at all


Well, in all fairness, perfection is a difficult goal to obtain. As long as you're close, I'm not seeing a problem.


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> She is petrified to say anything, because as soon as she does she knows he will be forced to make a choice between her and the OW. She probably wouldn't like the outcome of that.


So he has no idea she knows? Good grief. OP, since you seem more mildly perturbed by this than anything, and your focus is on really strange things and not THE thing, why not just tell him you know and you’re okay with it as long as he promises not to leave? This is really some extra level non-reaction from you. 100% of people can tell the sky is blue and you insist the grass is purple. It’s like bizarro world.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Teacherwifemom said:


> .. why not just tell him you know and you’re okay with it as long as he promises not to leave?


My point exactly. She comes on here periodically to go all nuclear that she found yet another text of her husband professing his love for the OW. But she claims both she and her husband base their marriage on much more than sex. Yeah, right ....

My guess her husband bases the marriage on not having to pay child support or alimony while his stupid wife sticks her head in the sand and he bangs another chick.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Well, he writes some pretty good stuff to Amanda. But OP—- she has him on FB in the pics…. If OP will give Amanda some time in the FB spotlight, and he will write a sweet love letter to the OP proclaiming his undying love, I’m thinking all’s well in Neverland for a few days.

They’ve just got to learn to share this hunka hunka burnin luv


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## Enigmatic (Jul 16, 2021)

snowbum said:


> ask him if he plans to leave when kids are 18. Bet you anything he is gone that week. He’s there because of the kids. You never had a romantic relationship





Prodigal said:


> My guess her husband bases the marriage on not having to pay child support or alimony while his stupid wife sticks her head in the sand and he bangs another chick.


He already ( a few years ago) offered to buy OP a house and continue to support her financially if she would just walk away and let him have the children. The reason he stays (per the OP) is that he doesn't want her having custody - he's concerned about her ability to raise the boys.

So yeah, he'll be out the door once the kids are 18 or old enough to choose to live with him in a divorce.

OP has been and remains in deep denial about the state of her marriage.


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## Jay Bee (Jul 5, 2018)

How has the husband not figured out that she has been reading his texts? You would think he would try to be a little more discreet and careful with his phone.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

OP do you even post his picture on social media?


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Again, you are so biased you don't see what she is really saying. You cherry picked one statement and missed the whole intent of what she was saying. She said stop doing what everyone thinks is the "right" thing and look out for himself for a change. She is saying he is making all the sacrifices for others. She isn't telling him to not do the right thing.


 His girlfriend actually seems more concerned about his well-being than the OP does.



Jay Bee said:


> How has the husband not figured out that she has been reading his texts? You would think he would try to be a little more discreet and careful with his phone.


It's not that he doesn't know, he doesn't care and probably doesn't think he needs to with no consequences.


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## lmucamac (4 mo ago)

husbandcheating22 said:


> Am I that crazy? I thought that us going out as a family celebrates our years of marriage and allows our children to see real love.


My late husband and I always celebrated our anniversary with our kids. our kids were an extension of us. It’s not for everyon, but it worked for us.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Jay Bee said:


> How has the husband not figured out that she has been reading his texts? You would think he would try to be a little more discreet and careful with his phone.


I don’t think it would change anything.
He knows he can disrespect her constantly and there’s no consequences.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

husbandcheating22 said:


> I don’t understand the focus of sex here.


To be honest, I think that is likely a major part of the problem.

Why do heterosexual couples marry the opposite sex? 
Why are homosexual couples fighting to get married?

It's because of the sex and physical attraction.

If sex was not an issue, I could just as well have married another dude as I could have my wife. I'd probably have more in common with another guy for just the social things. But the center of a marriage IS the sexual bonding; for either heterosexual or homosexual couples. 

There are a lot of neurotransmitters/hormones which are released during sex that reinforce bonding between people. It's part of almost all relationships.

So, if you are the tiny fraction of people for whom sex is not important, that typically only works if your mate is also part of the fraction for whom sex is not important. Otherwise, it's not going to work out well.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Jay Bee said:


> How has the husband not figured out that she has been reading his texts? You would think he would try to be a little more discreet and careful with his phone.


Maybe he's hoping she'll read the texts and "make" him leave. 

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## lmucamac (4 mo ago)

This post reads like its from a teenage girl who is has a crush on a boy and is desperatly trying to convince herself that he likes her.

Time to face reality.
No love story starts we got married because I was pregnant.
No one is envious of a relationship when someone is cheating.
Social media is used for bragging and creating illusions
A relationship lasting 3 years is not temporar, that’s the point where youre planning the rest of your life together.

Your husband loves his children, not you.

Read you post, it’s all about him spending time with his family and his children. There’s nothing about just the 2 of you. There’s a lot about him and the other woman.

I believe he’s simply fulfilling a promise he had to you and your children. Once your youngest is 18, or even in high school, he’s gone.

What should you do? Find a good divorce lawyer. Listen to your friend, as she knows you and your husband, and all the details you haven’t included in your post.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@husbandcheating22 There are several paths you can take:-

1) Carry on your life as you are living it now.
2) Tell your husband that you know about his cheating and ask him to decide which of you he wants.
3) File for divorce
4) Seek couple's and individual counselling.


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## Jay Bee (Jul 5, 2018)

Husband is going to ride this out as long as possible. He's staying for the kids and so he doesn't have to pay child support, alimony and lose half his stuff. Other woman seems to be ok with the arrangement so he's going to keep it going. He says he loves her but he may not be sure if he really wants to be with her.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

What’s weird is that the wifey will likely be entitled to part of the AP’s business if the husband is investing in it already.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Jay Bee said:


> Husband is going to ride this out as long as possible. He's staying for the kids and so he doesn't have to pay child support, alimony and lose half his stuff. Other woman seems to be ok with the arrangement so he's going to keep it going. He says he loves her but he may not be sure if he really wants to be with her.


He is building a life with the OW, including a business. His life is intertwined with OW. He told OP that he had checked out and wanted to separate. She convinced him to stay for the children. Now somehow she thinks that they have a fairy tale marriage, except for his non-serious affair. It's only sexual, financial, intellectual, and romantic. How could it be anything to concern herself with?


Evinrude58 said:


> What’s weird is that the wifey will likely be entitled to part of the AP’s business if the husband is investing in it already.


I wouldn't be too sure. It may all be in OW's name.


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## lmucamac (4 mo ago)

husbandcheating22 said:


> AND TO MAKE MATTERS WORST- he told me he has to work later today, he took me out last night but has a whole day planned out with her! What he doesn't know, I am going to change that! And who would want to go out with someone who just had a date with his wife????????!!!!


He didn’t go out on a “date” with you. He fulfiled an obligation. You need to face the truth, he doesn’t want to be with you. He’s NOT in love with you.


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