# We want to live in different places ?



## Cauliflower (Dec 30, 2012)

We have been together for almost 8 years. There is also a 10 year age gap. I'm in my early 20's and he's in his 30's. I want a career and he wants a family. We are about to get married next year. We really love each other and we know we want to be together forever, but there is this one thing we just cant solve and everytime we try to compromise it end in a fight....

He wants to live in city where we come from. Our parents live there. And I want to live in a city acorss the country where I can find work. I'm a junior and I still need to get a lot of work experience in order to get where I want, but I won't be able to do it in a city where he wants to live....
He can find work in both places but he believes that in his hometown he will be able to make better money.

I'm not a family person but I would still want to visit my family at least few times a year. Both cities are 4 hour flight away.

How do we compromise ?


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

The having kids questions is a bigger (deal breaker) issue. You can always move if you don't like where you live, but you can't UNbirth kids!


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## Cauliflower (Dec 30, 2012)

SunnyT said:


> The having kids questions is a bigger (deal breaker) issue. You can always move if you don't like where you live, but you can't UNbirth kids!


True. But, as for the kids I think I could manage to have them and also focus on a career. But still we first need to find home...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Cauliflower said:


> True. But, as for the kids I think I could manage to have them and also focus on a career. But still we first need to find home...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm with Sunny the kid thing is a bigger issue than you think it is. You're not a family person and yet you think you can have kids AND a career? Will you make enough money to pay for support to help raise kids since you'll be far away from help? Who will stay home with them when they are sick and daycare says they can't come back for 24 hours? 

Sure you are young and have plenty of time to build a career and have kids but your husband doesn't. What's your timeline on kids?

I built a career first and had my first at age 34 but my husband is the same age as me. Oh and I ended up giving up the career because I didn't want anyone else raising my kids. So yes I retired after working for 20 years as an accountant/CPA.

I'm middle aged now and I can tell you things change a lot after you have your own family. Some women do great juggling a career and kids - I wasn't one of those and part of the reason I wasn't is because I didn't have support of family. It was just us and that's hard.

PS I'm old fashioned. I think the man should pick where you live. He should provide for his bride. When I was 20 I felt like you but I've changed since then. I'm older and wiser now.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

I sympathise with you but also with what Mavash says.

You should expect to change as a person as you get older. You, your priorities, interests will probably all change.

I can remember how surprised I was when my wife suddenly decided she wanted kids. There had been no advance warning signs.

We still have problems agreeing where we should live. I like warm weather, my wife prefers cold. Our solution so far has been to stay where we are (big city where I had my career). One day we will have to decide. That will be interesting!


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## Cauliflower (Dec 30, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> I'm with Sunny the kid thing is a bigger issue than you think it is. You're not a family person and yet you think you can have kids AND a career? Will you make enough money to pay for support to help raise kids since you'll be far away from help? Who will stay home with them when they are sick and daycare says they can't come back for 24 hours?



We decided to have kids within next 3 years. I should have not mention the kids in this thread, because this is really not the problem at this moment... I know the kids will come to play very soon as well but first we decide where to live. We don't even argue about the kids. I want to have kids, but first I need to get a decent job.



tryingtobebetter said:


> I sympathise with you but also with what Mavash says.
> 
> You should expect to change as a person as you get older. You, your priorities, interests will probably all change.
> 
> ...


Do you currently live in one of those places that you or she wants ? When do you think and how will you decide where to live ?

As for us we are currently outside of our destination country. Until we decide where we want to live - east coast or west coast then we make the move.... But it's very hard to compromise here.... Very hard.




Let me give you a closer look at both cities :



*HIS CITY : *

*Negatives *

Oversized and ever growing population. 
Bad weather. Way to cold in winter and way to cold in summer.
Constant influx of traffic and vehicles on the road. 
Pollution - poor air quality
Expensive housing compared with most country’s locations. 
Not many work options for both us.... There are DECENT jobs.... 
Dangerous - I dont feel safe...

*Positives *

We have parents here. Easier life while having parents around..... 
Prestigious schools, from elementary to tertiary. -HE THINKS HE COULD MAKE GOOD MONEY IN EDUCATION
The art scene and leisure options. 
Transit system that spans a large area. 
Opportunities for the educated. 



*MY CITY*

*Negatives *

Expensive house prices: the highest in the country but comparable with HIS CITY
Drug problem
Rains often. Wet winters ( not sure if wet winters is a negative tho.... I prefer raint han snow....)
Rapid population growth 
Family 5 hour flight away....

*Positives *

Consistently ranks in the world's top three most livable cities. 
Lower than average obesity rates 
Lowest smoking rates in the country
Best health and longest lived people in the country.
One in six people walk or bike to work
A growing film industry - THIS IS WHERE WE WORK.... HIS city doesnt offer good opportunites for us - ESPECIALLY ME. 
A strong economy with a wide range of industries and opportunities 
Warm, dry, sunny summers. 
Beautiful land and seascape that permits a huge range of year round recreation options 
An extensive transit system that is primarily electric 
Very clean air quality


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

Can you choose to live the city you wanted for a few years first, so that you also have the opportunity to build your career, and then move to the city he wants to live in when you both decide to have kids and you have a more solid career? Would starting your career in the city you want to live in make a difference to getting better jobs when you return to the city he wants to live in?

Having a family nearby is always handy and nice. My family lives near us, and I love having family time with them a few nights per week. Also, it will be very helpful when we have kids, as we both work full time.


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## Cauliflower (Dec 30, 2012)

lilith23 said:


> Can you choose to live the city you wanted for a few years first, so that you also have the opportunity to build your career, and then move to the city he wants to live in when you both decide to have kids and you have a more solid career?


This what I suggested him. I think this is best compromise that we can get here, but what he thinks is that he will not be able to build his carrer in education back in his city ... and waiting few years is kinda wasting time for him.... ( but the true is that he could have the same career or even better in my city.... I don't know why but he wont admit it....)





lilith23 said:


> Would starting your career in the city you want to live in make a difference to getting better jobs when you return to the city he wants to live in?


For me it will make a difference because If i get experience in MY CITY, i will probably get a good decent job in his city....

for him.... it depends.... If he stays in film industry and he would work in my city in film, it will also help him get good decent job in his city..... IF he decided to go into education then working in my city will be for him kinda waste of time. He will need to find a job and later on start from zero again in his city .... - "connections, networking etc.... " - this is what he thinks....


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

I'm seeing you both as a unit, so I guess that if I have the following options:

city 1: does not make a difference other than just a few years wasted for one; makes a difference for the other

city 2: better for one; hard for the other

I'd prefer city 1. At least the chances are better for the unit.
Both should have good chances for their career lives to flourish. And sometimes, we do need to sacrifice some things for the other, yet this is not any serious sacrifice for your bf anyways. On the other hand, it would be a bigger sacrifice for you.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

And some of the pros from city #2 don't really matter to your specific population. Does it matter whether or not the population has a low obesity rate? As long as YOU and YOUR family make healthy choices, how does the population affect where you want to live? Same with smoking - you aren't going to pick it up if you're elsewhere - why does that matter? And walking to work yet cite great public transportation? Would you cycle to work? I think you are trying to 'sell' the pros of the city you want.

Family is a big deal and a BIG help when you have children. I didn't have mine near by and sometimes you need time as a couple and having to pay for a sitter or don't have someone you trust can really be an issue.


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## Cauliflower (Dec 30, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I think you are trying to 'sell' the pros of the city you want.



Not really trying to sell anything here. I basically used uncle google's help here and I just added my comments next to the positives and negatives.... But when I googled both cities my city was definietally winning here.... No questions.... 

Well it has been ranked in top 4 most liveable cities for the past 10 years.... I think there are some good reasons behind it - my fiance doesn't buy it tho 

As for the walking to work I see as one big positive. I hate traveling by public transportation. I do prefer biking or walking to work. I prefer active life.


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> And some of the pros from city #2 don't really matter to your specific population. Does it matter whether or not the population has a low obesity rate? As long as YOU and YOUR family make healthy choices, how does the population affect where you want to live? Same with smoking - you aren't going to pick it up if you're elsewhere - why does that matter? And walking to work yet cite great public transportation? Would you cycle to work? I think you are trying to 'sell' the pros of the city you want.
> 
> Family is a big deal and a BIG help when you have children. I didn't have mine near by and sometimes you need time as a couple and having to pay for a sitter or don't have someone you trust can really be an issue.


I also agree with this. But the OP suggested that when they have a kid they can move back to city #2, so that living in city #1 is only for a while, providing a more balanced change for each of them in their careers.


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