# My husband can't last during sex and I think it's my fault



## got (Dec 1, 2017)

We haven't been together very long, 3 year total with 1 year spent married. I am my husband's second wife. He was married to his ex-wife for 10 years. My husband is having issues that he's only had with me, not his ex or the million other women he's slept with. He either can't get an erection during sex, or he does but can't "finish" and eventually loses the erection. I think it's my fault. I mean, I'm the only woman that it's been an issue with, I know I'm not that great in bed and he has a lot to compare me to, these problems weren't as much of an issue until I brought something up with him. 

18 years ago I was raped by a group of college men and it's something that I've only told a couple of people. I didn't want to tell him because it's not something that I like to bring up or talk about and I didn't think it needed to be said. He was reading something online and asked me if I had ever been assaulted or raped, my hesitation gave him the answer. He started prying (gently) for details about what happened and since then our sex problems have skyrocketed. We have never had a perfect sex life and I'm not going to pretend like we did, but things became worse. 

I think he put two and two together on some things that I do and now I totally turn him off. His view of me probably changed. I don't know if he finds me unattractive or gross. He says it has nothing to do with me and is just age related but I don't believe that at all. It wasn't an issue until he was with me, excluding the first couple times we had sex. He has a high sex drive, now he rarely initiates. 

I don't know what to do. I don't want a divorce. I don't want to lose my husband. I don't want to be cheated on. I want to have a good relationship and sex life with my husband. Sometimes I feel like he's only staying with me so he doesn't have to be twice divorced (his first marriage ending had nothing to do with sex). What can I do?


----------



## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

got said:


> We haven't been together very long, 3 year total with 1 year spent married. I am my husband's second wife. He was married to his ex-wife for 10 years. My husband is having issues that he's only had with me, not his ex or the million other women he's slept with. He either can't get an erection during sex, or he does but can't "finish" and eventually loses the erection. I think it's my fault. I mean, I'm the only woman that it's been an issue with, I know I'm not that great in bed and he has a lot to compare me to, these problems weren't as much of an issue until I brought something up with him.
> 
> 18 years ago I was raped by a group of college men and it's something that I've only told a couple of people. I didn't want to tell him because it's not something that I like to bring up or talk about and I didn't think it needed to be said. He was reading something online and asked me if I had ever been assaulted or raped, my hesitation gave him the answer. He started prying (gently) for details about what happened and since then our sex problems have skyrocketed. We have never had a perfect sex life and I'm not going to pretend like we did, but things became worse.
> 
> ...


My wife was raped before I met her. After I found out, I was hesitant to be aggressive with her because I didn't want to trigger her. It was something I did without thinking about it or discussing it with her.

How old is your husband? It could be health related to.

Has he tried viagra?


----------



## got (Dec 1, 2017)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> My wife was raped before I met her. After I found out, I was hesitant to be aggressive with her because I didn't want to trigger her. It was something I did without thinking about it or discussing it with her.
> 
> How old is your husband? It could be health related to.
> 
> Has he tried viagra?


I understand not wanting to be rough, and I don't want him to be either. I do want him to be able to get an erection though... or be able to enjoy sex with me. He's 38, I don't think he's old enough for it to be an age issue. He hasn't tried viagra/cialis but has brought it up a couple times. 

Not wanting to be rough shouldn't make sex virtually impossible, should it?


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Does he use porn? Sometimes men who masturbate to porn end up losing the ability to get erections or have normal sex with their partner. BTW you only have his say so that this didn't happen before.

I would advise a medical check for him, and counselling for you over the rape. I am sure its nothing to do with you or the way you look, after all why marry you if he doesn't find you attractive?


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

got said:


> We haven't been together very long, 3 year total with 1 year spent married. I am my husband's second wife. He was married to his ex-wife for 10 years. My husband is having issues that he's only had with me, not his ex or the million other women he's slept with. He either can't get an erection during sex, or he does but can't "finish" and eventually loses the erection. I think it's my fault. I mean, I'm the only woman that it's been an issue with, I know I'm not that great in bed and he has a lot to compare me to, these problems weren't as much of an issue until I brought something up with him.
> 
> 18 years ago I was raped by a group of college men and it's something that I've only told a couple of people. I didn't want to tell him because it's not something that I like to bring up or talk about and I didn't think it needed to be said. He was reading something online and asked me if I had ever been assaulted or raped, my hesitation gave him the answer. He started prying (gently) for details about what happened and since then our sex problems have skyrocketed. We have never had a perfect sex life and I'm not going to pretend like we did, but things became worse.
> 
> ...


First of all if he finds you unattractive or gross because of this then he's an ******* and you deserve better. However it may be that he feels like he is hurting you by bringing you back to the trauma of everything. Or it could be the thought of you being hurt by these men makes him sad and takes him out of the moment. It's possible that intercourse could trigger these feelings. Try to get him to talk to someone. Think about you both going to a sex therapist. There is not shame in that.

Finally I agree with the post above, check the porn use. Too much porn and many men have issues. Don't assume because he says he doesn't that he doesn't many men are ashamed of their porn use.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Can you be more specific about the things you think you do that turn him off? That would help in terms of the advice offered. 

I think you should consider going to a sex therapist together, so that you can learn to trust each other and enjoy each other. Also, if you think the past rape is affecting your enjoyment or is triggering you, you should seek individual therapy to help explore ways to work around, or heal, the damage it may have done. You should never have to feel that you must hide something traumatic, that usually serves to make things worse later on. 

Just a thought.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So what are YOU willing to do to try to fix this?
You have t mentioned asking him if he would go with you to a therapist.
You haven't mentioned discussing ways to improve things with him.

He married you... he must have liked having sex with you at one time. What happened?

Does he watch porn regularly?
Have you gained excessive amounts of weight?
Do either of you use antidepressants?

You have given us little information other than you think you're lousy in bed and your husband is so concerned about your sex life, he asked you if you'd been assaulted. you have said you think you're not great in bed. Why do you think that? Most people don't think that of themselves. 

More info?


----------



## trueblue2017 (Dec 1, 2017)

I feel for you. I feel for the fact that you want to keep your marriage, you know that sex is an important part of keeping your marriage, and you are in the trap where you don't feel like he's into it, so you're not into it, so nothing is improving, nobody is initiating, and it sounds to me like you don't really enjoy sex, which, if you don't, of course it isn't going to be "good" or you're not going to feel "good in bed." And the more you address it or say things like "is it me?" - the more you may feel you look less confidant and less attractive - and you probably don't believe his answers anyway. I can give you a TON of ideas and suggestions, but first, I have questions...

1. How often are you currently having sex? 
2. How often would YOU like to have sex?
3. Do you masturbate? ...you should. 
4. What makes you think you are not great in bed? Do you want to fix that? Because it's very easy to fix....
5. Does your husband watch porn? Do you watch porn? Are you opposed to porn?
7. You said you think he put 2 and 2 together on some things that you do and now you totally turn him off. Can you tell me more about what those things are that you do?
6. Do you have self-confidence issues? 
8. Have your looks drastically changed? Have you gained a significant amount of weight or has your physical appearance changed dramatically? 

If this is uncomfortable to talk about in this forum, I will gladly email privately with you. I feel for you and I think I could help a lot in this department. Let me know.


----------



## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

got said:


> He was reading something online and asked me if I had ever been assaulted or raped, my hesitation gave him the answer. He started prying (gently) for details about what happened and since then our sex problems have skyrocketed.
> ....
> I don't know if he finds me unattractive or gross.


No, this is nothing to do with finding you unattractive or gross, or your skills in bed, or porn, or his age (at 38). 

This is to do with the rape. You need to jointly see a sex therapist with good qualifications.


----------



## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

It sounds like you have some self-esteem issues. It’s not your fault you were raped. Have you had counseling to deal with that?

Have you spoken to your husband about how you feel? I doubt he is in this marriage just because he doesn’t want another divorce. It sounds like you are insecure in his love for you. You have to discover your self worth. I believe that marriage is the most important relationship you have and you should be honest with your husband about what you went through. Can you trust him? You should be able to. He should be your champion. 

Please have a frank conversation with your husband. And please work out a plan to bolster your self esteem.


----------



## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

- If your husband is suddenly unattracted to you because a man, years ago mind you, assaulted you, then your husband needs to see a counselor. He has some serious hang ups. If you had been beaten up and not raped, would he have the same reaction? No, probably not - if that is truly why he is reacting the way he is.

- You said this happened from the first time you had sex, but that it has recently worsened. This makes me think that he did have the problem with other women and is lying to you. If that is the case, wow, kind of mean. He needs to go to counseling. He has issues. 

- Perhaps your husband has a problem with the idea of you having sex (even forced) with anyone other than him. Is he aware of your previous sexual partners? If this is it...he needs to see a counselor. He has issues.

- I feel like you should go to individual counseling. You seem to struggle with self esteem.

- The rape seems like a convenient excuse for the lack of sex (and, frankly, unless as I have said he has some serious issues, an implausible one). If he is using the rape as an excuse to cover either porn use, an affair, a physical problem...kinda mean. He needs to see a counselor.

Good luck. I am sorry you live with these memories haunting you.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

got said:


> We haven't been together very long, 3 year total with 1 year spent married. I am my husband's second wife. He was married to his ex-wife for 10 years. My husband is having issues that he's only had with me, not his ex or the million other women he's slept with. He either can't get an erection during sex, or he does but can't "finish" and eventually loses the erection. I think it's my fault. I mean, I'm the only woman that it's been an issue with, I know I'm not that great in bed and he has a lot to compare me to, these problems weren't as much of an issue until I brought something up with him.
> 
> 18 years ago I was raped by a group of college men and it's something that I've only told a couple of people. I didn't want to tell him because it's not something that I like to bring up or talk about and I didn't think it needed to be said. He was reading something online and asked me if I had ever been assaulted or raped, my hesitation gave him the answer. He started prying (gently) for details about what happened and since then our sex problems have skyrocketed. We have never had a perfect sex life and I'm not going to pretend like we did, but things became worse.
> 
> ...


First realize this —

It’s not your fault.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

It is said that sex with women it is more mental, with men it is more physical.

This is another generalization that should be put to bed. Uh, put to rest.

Men are visual, but they do have imaginations.
I do not think the rape revelation is the only cause of his ED, but certainly added to it.
Maybe he is having mind movies.
Yes, excess masturbation 'might', 'can' affect PIV sex adversely.

Men's erectile process is 'gawd awful' complicated. The visual stimulation, the mental response, the chemical, the chemical-electrical-nerve control circuits, adequate blood flow and pressure, the various venous valves opening and closing properly and the physical stimulation.....all going on in sequence, some simultaneously. One guy asleep at the switch and the balloon goes flat. Ha, ha, not.

My term? 
All controlled and managed by "The Committee of Naysayers". I get tired of typing this....I really do.
I have expounded on this topic until I am blue in the face.

Oh, that takes a lot of expounding, I am still a long distance runner, Eh?

The Typist-


----------



## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

..


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Have him medically tested by a good urologist, then pending a positive outcome there, consider seeing a sexual therapist together!

Both of these should end up doing you both an absolute world of good!*


----------



## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

It sounds like he is processing how to feel about the rape. It is unlikely that he thinks you are gross. It is not your fault that this happened to you but it does have to have a negative impact on him nonetheless as your husband and your lover. Maybe you ought to seek counseling.


----------



## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

So many thoughts. What to say first.

I feel for both of you. This hurts both of you, and harms your ability to sooth each other and help each other heal. Be kind to both of you, because you both are hurting.

It is NOT your fault. But you are stuck having to deal with it anyway. Stinks, but as you see, ignoring it does not lead you to a good place either.

Listen to @Slartibartfast. That was great advice.

I agree you need to contact rape crisis center and get help. But here is the key. For the help to "work", you have to want it to work. You have to want to enjoy sex. You have to want to look forward to sex with anticipation rather than dread. You have to want to enjoy the sensations. And you have to want to want all these things for yourself. Because healing is hard work. And often painful. And if you don't want it, for yourself, then there is a good chance you won't force yourself to face the painful parts and do the work to move past them.

And here is where I offer you some motivation to want it. And want it badly. Because if you don't, then the rapist wins. Rape is largely about power, control, and humiliation. The rapist is trying to control what happens to you against your will. If you refuse to seek help. If you refuse to do the work. If you allow yourself to be a victim rather than a survivor. Then all these years later, the rapist is still controlling you. Still having an impact on your sexuality. Still impacting your behavior. I can't imagine that is what you want.

So work up your anger and frustration to a fever pitch and direct it where it belongs. At the rapist. Shout out loud "I am not going to allow you to control me for one more minute. I am going to get help. I am going to reconnect with my sexuality. I am going to learn to enjoy sex wholeheartedly. And then I am going to bang my husband's brains out, and enjoy myself thoroughly. And my husband is going to get what you wanted and never obtained: consent freely given, mutual enjoyment and spiritual bonding. And I am going to do all of this no matter what it costs me or how much it hurts because I can't tolerate the thought that you continue to own any piece of me or my sexuality."


----------



## MidnightBlue (Nov 20, 2017)

First of all, I’m sorry this has happened to you. It was a terrible and brutal thing to have happened and it pains me to know you’ve dealt with it almost entirely on your own. You are the victim of those men and their disgusting crime against you and you were in no way at fault. 

I second those who suggest counseling, both IC and MC. In fact, I think you should insist upon it. Try to refrain from speculating what your husband thinks and feels and get it out in the open in a safe and neutral environment with a qualified professional. Too many times women will try and guess what their husband’s feel and cause themselves a lot of inner turmoil only to find they were off base. I’ve many times assumed my husband was upset with me and worked myself up only to find out he was upset with himself or something else that had nothing to do with me. 

The only way you will know for sure is if he tells you and he may be afraid that he’ll hurt you if he handles it improperly. 

He also needs to make an appointment with his physician. My H had a similar issue in his 30s that stemmed from stress. Don’t assume blame for his issues without knowing for sure what his issues are. His body and mind are his own and it’s ultimately up to him to find the reasons behind the issue and the solution.


----------



## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

I would highly...HIGHLY doubt he's having issues because he sees you as any less attractive than before he found out. No way. 

The more likely scenario is he tries to have sex with you, and instead of being in the moment, he now has a thousand thoughts running through his head. "Is she even enjoying this after being raped or is she doing it because she has to?". "Does she think about the rape when we are having sex?" "Am I being too aggressive with her?" "Am I triggering her?"



> I think he put two and two together on some things that I do and now I totally turn him off.


What things? If there is some kind of negative association with the rape with these things, then yes, he will likely pick up on (or put two and two together and now realizes why you do these things), and it will instantly cause him issues.

An erection can be the easiest thing in the world to come by (sleep and no-pressure / no anxiety times), and also the hardest. And when you say he had the issue a couple times early on, my bet is he is quiet prone to nervousness and "performance anxiety". I am the same. 

You guys need to discuss this. And he should try for a viagra prescription to see if it helps. Nothing wrong with that. I've been on the stuff since I was in my early 30's. A lot of it performance anxiety related. And it is a godsend for that. Not a cure all by any means, but it helps a great deal. As long as my head is in a good space, it works. 

And for a man, there is nothing that is more of a boner killer than having your head in a "not great place" and not fully engaged in the moment, and then you start to feel yourself go even a little soft. I'd describe it as an almost panic mode thing. You are thinking "no....no....no, don't lose it", and woosh...it's gone. 

A man's thirties is not too early to have issues. Not at all. 

You both will likely also need therapy if it continues to be an issue. If your head is right about the situation, he will still need to get his head right about it, and it may very well take a counselor to get him there.

Whatever you do, don't accept or allow your sex life to continue to wither on the vine.


----------



## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

got said:


> I understand not wanting to be rough, and I don't want him to be either. I do want him to be able to get an erection though... or be able to enjoy sex with me. He's 38, I don't think he's old enough for it to be an age issue. He hasn't tried viagra/cialis but has brought it up a couple times.
> 
> Not wanting to be rough shouldn't make sex virtually impossible, should it?


He may not want to get rough, but rather does not want to do ANYTHING that may remind you of your assault.

Age does not matter as far as needing Viagra, his body may be showing signs of heart disease or some other problem.

If he has mentioned Viagra, by all means encourage him to try it. 

Here's how it can go, a man has problems once or twice getting it up or keeping it up. That is something that weighs on his mind. The next time he has sex, he starts worrying about keeping it up, and it becomes a self fulfilling worry. 

Viagra can get him "over the hump". (no pun intended)

He might only need it once or twice.

Keep lots of communication going, even if it doesn't end in sex, hop in the shower with him. Spend naked time together.

Grab his hands and SHOW him how you want to be touched, even if he can't get it up, he hopefully will be more than willing to use other methods to give you pleasure.


----------



## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

got said:


> We haven't been together very long, 3 year total with 1 year spent married. I am my husband's second wife. He was married to his ex-wife for 10 years. My husband is having issues that he's only had with me, not his ex or the million other women he's slept with. He either can't get an erection during sex, or he does but can't "finish" and eventually loses the erection. I think it's my fault. I mean, I'm the only woman that it's been an issue with, I know I'm not that great in bed and he has a lot to compare me to, these problems weren't as much of an issue until I brought something up with him.
> 
> 18 years ago I was raped by a group of college men and it's something that I've only told a couple of people. I didn't want to tell him because it's not something that I like to bring up or talk about and I didn't think it needed to be said. He was reading something online and asked me if I had ever been assaulted or raped, my hesitation gave him the answer. He started prying (gently) for details about what happened and since then our sex problems have skyrocketed. We have never had a perfect sex life and I'm not going to pretend like we did, but things became worse.
> 
> ...



Don't blame yourself yet. What's his age, first and foremost? Some guys suffer erectile dysfunction earlier than others. Sometimes, it's just a period of a few days or so. Try the morning. Not an ideal time, but morning boners aren't a myth. Get's up easier and lasts longer.


----------



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

As I got older the longer it takes for me to finish. And sometime I don't finish at all.

So age could be a factor.


----------



## twoofus (Jun 16, 2017)

Many years ago I had a girlfriend who was keen on doing her kegel exercises and she had excellent control there. If she sensed I was started to flag a bit, she would get me to stop thrusting then rhythmically squeeze and relax her muscle around me which got me pumped up. Alternatively, she would relax when thrusting then tighten on the way out. It was amazing. I only wish my wife could do the same, it would be so much better for the both of us.


----------

