# Could you ever be the OM/OW?



## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

I don't know much about my WAW's OM but there are a couple of things that make me think that he has recently gone through a painful break up himself and is recovering from that.

So here is my question to the good folk of TAM. Having been through a very painful split yourself could you ever be the OM/OW and play any part at all in breaking up someone else's marriage and someone else's family? Doesn't it take a special kind of POS to do that?


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

I think pre split anything was possible. I like to think I wouldn't have, but without having had the opportunity so far as I know, how can I be sure? Same way as I couldnt have walked or cheated, but again having never put myself in that position, am I right?

I like to think so. But..?

As to now? my split and time here has only served to reinforce my position. Could I? I think no, and if I did become the OM, I can't imagine being able to forgive myself.. Enter ridiculous blameshifting projection rewriting and anger. Hmm sound familiar? 

Think any one is capable of anything and certainly of temptation given the right motivation and opportunity but I like to think I am stronger than that.

So far in my life I have not been the OM nor have I cheated. I hope to be able to say that on my deathbed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I'm a guy and I'm human. I'm capable of nailing a rock pile and my mind is capable of convincing myself that it'd be ok to do so. Rather than operate according to what I'm capable of, then, I have to limit myself to obeying certain rules if I want to stay out of trouble. The rules say adultery is wrong. I have to avoid getting into situations where such a thing could develop. Anyone on this earth is capable of pretty much anything, given the right set of circumstances. Anyone who thinks they are beyond temptation is just asking for trouble. I don't say "I'd never", cause I know the Devil is just itching to prove me wrong.


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## headingthere (Mar 31, 2012)

I am not one who (as far as I know) was cheated on during my marriage, so I don't have first-hand experience being the BS. but I can honestly say that reading TAM has convinced me I should never ever get involved with a married man; the consequences are so horrendous and hurtful. Years ago I did not undstand that... I believed him when he said his marriage was unhappy and already broken. Now I truly understand that prototypical man's options: work to make it right or get a divorce!! If the second, call me then! TAM has been huge to me in seeing a bigger perspective on this sort of temptation...


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

NO WAY !

I know if my ex hadn't met a shoulder to cry on , we'd still be together, I know it.
And knowing she still seeing him completely destroys any chance of us getting back and it also ruins things between us for my daughter.

I despise this [email protected]@t and could very easily put a bullet in his head and not feel a thing.
I'll never get in the way of another mans family after living this hell , never.


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## Danielk (Feb 19, 2013)

I would never want to break up a family or marriage. I'm dating a woman going through a divorce (I should say I have realised through TAM that she actually may not end up getting divorced), and I thought it was ok because she has told me she was unhappy in her marriage and wants to spend her life with me and loves me.

From getting on TAM and asking for advice, I am now starting to feel like the OM or Plan B, and I feel sick about it. I never wanted to be the OM.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Women are easily manipulated by men and vice versa. When someone is putting their full attention on you, many people but blinders on to the moral reality of the situation.

"I believed him when he said his marriage was unhappy and already broken."

And I believed me Ex when she told me that about her marriage. 

I was the OM. I won't say POSOM because she pursued me, not the other way around. And there were no kids involved. 

And of course she eventually painted me and us in a negative light. They can rattle off everything little thing that bothered them and the AP will just nod their head and say don't worry, I'll hold you now. You're safe and appreciated here, and I'm loving you and we will always be open with each other. And then they will make the same promises they made to their spouses earlier on. This is why cheaters suck. They don't even see their own patterns at play.


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## Danielk (Feb 19, 2013)

staystrong said:


> Women are easily manipulated by men and vice versa. When someone is putting their full attention on you, many people but blinders on to the moral reality of the situation.
> 
> "I believed him when he said his marriage was unhappy and already broken."
> 
> ...


It sounds like I might be going through what you went through. I've only just realised it now from TAM.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

When I was in college I was the OW twice, though both guys were engaged and not married. The first time was a friendship that turned EA (I'd never even heard the term before at that age and truly didn't realize what was happening until it was too late). He ended up breaking my heart when he told me he loved me as much as he loved his fiancee, but not more, so he wasn't going to leave her for me.

Then I had a PA with another engaged guy just a few months later. Really, I did it because he pursued me so heavily, and I somehow felt like I was getting revenge on the first guy. That one just left me feeling like crap.

So, yeah, I can now say for certain that I will never again be the OW.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Danielk said:


> I would never want to break up a family or marriage. I'm dating a woman going through a divorce (I should say I have realised through TAM that she actually may not end up getting divorced), and I thought it was ok because she has told me she was unhappy in her marriage and wants to spend her life with me and loves me.
> 
> From getting on TAM and asking for advice, I am now starting to feel like the OM or Plan B, and I feel sick about it. I never wanted to be the OM.



That's what she says now , but she said that to her husband yrs ago too don't forget.
You guys are on a honey moon , she's fkd in the head right now , and wouldn't know what she really wants !
Leave her alone to work her real feelings out , there's literally millions of available fish in the sea. 
You can always hook up again in a few yrs if she does go ahead.


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

I am not easily manipulated at all. I took my vows and meant them. I have been heavily pursued and told them every time to back off, that I had more respect for my marriage than that. I only, ever had eyes for him.

He, however, found a posow and has shredded my family. I will never play party to that and never put another woman through that as long as I live. If he lies and makes me the other woman without my knowledge...well, what am I saying...celibacy sounds great right now. I have no trust in men, whatsoever at the moment.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Danielk said:


> I would never want to break up a family or marriage. I'm dating a woman going through a divorce (I should say I have realised through TAM that she actually may not end up getting divorced), and I thought it was ok because she has told me she was unhappy in her marriage and wants to spend her life with me and loves me.
> 
> From getting on TAM and asking for advice, I am now starting to feel like the OM or Plan B, and I feel sick about it. I never wanted to be the OM.


I wouldn't be the OM. Not a chance. Maybe years ago. 

I would also not get involved with someone going through a divorce or a separation. Not if I want to have a relationship with them. People need to process and recover from something like that. It's hard and it takes time. I would be very concerned that without having done that, they are latching on to me out of fear or loneliness or a number of reasons other than who I am.


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## Danielk (Feb 19, 2013)

Yeah I'm starting to think that might be the case. I am hoping it's not and I don't really know what to do or what to believe anymore.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

I have never had an affair of any kind, let alone an affair with a married or separated woman. But my view used to be that it was up to a married partner to look after his/her own morality. If they felt like having an affair then that was their business and the OM/OW had no particular moral obligation to say "this is wrong, we shouldn't do it".

Needless to say I have changed my mind completely. Not just as a result of the pain of my wife going off with OM, but also because I now understand that a WS - whether man or woman - just isn't thinking straight. In most cases, anyone who cares about them will guide them gently back to their family rather than accelerate their departure.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

I would never say never. 

But I am 40 years old and have

declined every advance from a married

woman I've ever gotten.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Absolutely not. No matter how good or bad my marriage may be, I'd never step outside of it.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Never. I have better standards than that. If a person can cheat on their spouse they can cheat on you.

Besides I have strong morals.


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