# I'm confused and lost...



## leah100 (Feb 19, 2012)

My husband and I have been married for 12 years and have two great kids. I have been considering divorce because of my husband's change. We married young, but our relationship was strong and we spend lots of time together. We had the similar beliefs and interests and were the each other best friend. A few years back he started changing, getting into guns, knifes and bush craft (and eBay, spending thousands a month). We are both into outdoors, however, I was always against hunting and he was NOT a hunter. All of a sudden, his new friends are ALL hunters, including his new best friend. His friend is divorced, with low paying, low hours job and abundance of free time. They developed a very close relationship, my husband wanting to bring him with us to our annual family trip. I wanted our family time to stay ours, so I refused. Also, I don't want my kids to be exposed to his friend mannerism and obnoxious remarks (he is very rude). My husband than started taking 3-4 days trips with his friend alone (all this while complaining about being extremely busy, and not having time to spend with us). The last straw was this weekend hunting trip (his first). My husband is a smart and successful man, and I don't understand the sudden attraction to this way of life. He lost interest in doing things with me and the kids, something he really enjoyed doing in the past. He became irritable, impatient and demeaning, with rather extreme opinions about many different things in life. I feel like he replaced us, first replacing our believes, than me as a friend and now emotionally replacing our family with this friend. 

He came back from hunting trip all smiles and oddly aroused to a point of chasing me around the house. I find his behavior odd and puzzling (the trip was supposed to be physically demanding). I also learned that he spent most of the time alone with his best friend (this friend try to isolate him from others, even when mutual friends involved). Even more surprising to me was that he went to this trip so he could show his best friend our favorite vacation place, a few hours drive from the hunting trip. He was willing to drive almost a half of the trip time just to show him our favorite place (not my anymore). 
I have reached a point where I don't know what to do anymore. I'm confused and lost...


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

When I get home from a hunting the trip the 1st thing I need to hit is the toilet, not the wife. Next it's the showers and then off to bed because, I've been walking all over the wilderness, sitting in the cold at the break of dawn and towards sunset. Sleeping in a tent and trying not to freeze to death and trying to sleep through the snoring from the buddies .

Then when I wake it, it's clean out my gear, clean my gun(s) and then I have time for the wife.

Just check his gear to see if there is dirt everywhere. Cuz I've seen guys go out hunting but come back with their gear cleaner than when they 1st went out, wonder what those guys were hunting.


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## SomeLady (Feb 21, 2012)

Do they go up to Brokeback Mountain for these hunting trips?

His wanting to bring the guy along on family vacations is weird. That he comes home in a great and horny mood is weird. (Well, not necessarily. For a guy to be relaxed and happy, and for him to desire the wife he's missed is not weird. But, you can tell that something about his behaviour isn't normal.) That he went out of his way to show the guy your favorite vacation spot it weird.

This is all just very weird.

I have no advice.


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## SomeLady (Feb 21, 2012)

OK, I re-read your post. He's suddenly spending a lot of money on bushcraft and hunting stuff. Is this a financial hardship for you? If so, then that's an issue you need to talk to him about.


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## leah100 (Feb 19, 2012)

SomeLady said:


> OK, I re-read your post. He's suddenly spending a lot of money on bushcraft and hunting stuff. Is this a financial hardship for you? If so, then that's an issue you need to talk to him about.


We can afford it, however, his behavior is excessive and he spends a great amount of time looking for the stuff he actually doesn't use. And yes, I'm glad somebody else thinks that him wanting to bring the guy along on family vacations is weird. He made me feel like some selfish lunatic.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

I immediately thought one of two things: either that the "friend" was just a cover for your husband having an affair with another woman, or that he's having an affair with this male friend. The more I read, the more I became sure of the latter.


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## leah100 (Feb 19, 2012)

River1977 said:


> I immediately thought one of two things: either that the "friend" was just a cover for your husband having an affair with another woman, or that he's having an affair with this male friend. The more I read, the more I became sure of the latter.


In my dark moments, I've had the same thoughts. However, I can't believe he could do something like that. Also, his friend is in a pitiful condition and obese, everything but attractive. I just can't figure out what's going on. One thing is certain, he is taking me for granted...


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## grayhound (Jan 18, 2011)

I'm not liking the sound of this at all, either  It could just be a midlife crisis, but it sounds a lot worse  My gut is that something isn't right...

I wish I had better advice. I give you kudos for protecting your kids and keeping this other dude out of your vacation 

Good luck...


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## leah100 (Feb 19, 2012)

grayhound said:


> I'm not liking the sound of this at all, either  It could just be a midlife crisis, but it sounds a lot worse  My gut is that something isn't right...
> 
> I wish I had better advice. I give you kudos for protecting your kids and keeping this other dude out of your vacation
> 
> Good luck...


Thanks, I'll Need It... I just heard him planning another "outing" with the same friend, 3 days after his last big trip. He doesn't even think about us anymore. I guess he is taking our family for granted, not capable of seeing a logical consequence of his behavior (or perhaps not caring, I'm not sure anymore).


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## SomeLady (Feb 21, 2012)

What have you said to him about this? What has been his response?


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## leah100 (Feb 19, 2012)

SomeLady said:


> What have you said to him about this? What has been his response?


Well, I told him almost everything. I talked about him changing, not spending time with me. I told him I overheard him planning another outing with his friend and at the same time complaining to me about too much work and not enough time to do activities with us. I told him that he is using all of his energy to nurture his friendship and is neglecting us. I also told him that his friends behavior is odd and not appropriate. He became irritable and demeaning, tailing me that I don't understand anything and calling me stupid. He said that I"m starting this argument to manipulate him and that I'm demonizing his friend. He also said that he is all alone in his own house. I told him he was the one pushing me away and that I'm really hurt. He then slam the study door in my face.

About 30 minutes later, he came to talk to me about something (not the argument), acting like nothing happened.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Sugeest marriage counseling. Can't beleive he called you stupid. Are you afraid of him? You should see an attorney.


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## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

Hello,

There seems to be a series of conflicts other than this in your relationship. In order to understand why this is happening we need to look at your emotional context. 

As in how well are his emotional needs being met in the relationship. 

Now granted you may have a list of complaints about your emotional needs that your husband is not meeting, indeed these things tend to be quite symmetric. Having understood that we need to see on your husbands side how fulfilled he is in your relationship. 

A couple of possible causes for his behavior would be: 

- midlife crisis
- long running lack of fulfillment of emotional needs.

If it is the second option please look at the following list of male emotional needs and asses how well your relationship has been in fulfilling them: 

Be proficient in supporting your partner emotionally. Generally this equates to showing respect to the man. We can categorize the emotional support a man needs into 6. 
*Trust* –You trust his skills in dealing with his problems. You respect and trust his judgment and his abilities.
*Acceptance *- he needs to feel that he pleases you. He needs to feel you accept and appreciate him for who he is and not trying to change and improve him. 
*Appreciation* – he would like to feel that you are grateful for the love and respect he shows you, that you are grateful for his providing for you and not that routine daily activities are no longer worthy of appreciation.
*Admiration *– you admire his victories and his displays of skill 
*Approval* - you approve of him as a person and of his behavior. 
*Encouragement* – you encourage him in a positive way to grow and evolve in skill and status, especially when he experiences setbacks

Now as what to do in this situation. I would suggest that in both cases being supportive and appreciative would be a great improvement and that will help motivate him in a positive way to keep balance. He is fully capable of doing so but as most men if you approach the subject in a negative way they exhibit stubbornness..


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Something similar happened to me once years ago, although not hunting. BF had a newly single friend that was the shiny new penny in his life. The great single life, bitter towards women and families in general, giving not a great impression. Saying anything about the friend does come off as demonizing, but there is nothing wrong with stating some boundaries. 

When is family time? When is friends time?
Make a schedule. Make plans together as a family. 
Specifically, give him details of what is expected. How much time. When. 

I know right now you probably feel like he doesn't care about the family, and after a few years of this he might be feeling the same way. Make a definition of what is enough family time. If he's making an effort to do it, when he's out with his friend, you have to let him have that.


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## leah100 (Feb 19, 2012)

chapparal said:


> Sugeest marriage counseling. Can't beleive he called you stupid. Are you afraid of him? You should see an attorney.


My husband's main thing is slamming doors. He is forceful, but not physically violent. Thanks for your concern.


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## leah100 (Feb 19, 2012)

FreedomCorp said:


> Now as what to do in this situation. I would suggest that in both cases being supportive and appreciative would be a great improvement and that will help motivate him in a positive way to keep balance. He is fully capable of doing so but as most men if you approach the subject in a negative way they exhibit stubbornness..


I understand your point, however, it's difficult being supportive and appreciative to someone who is taking you for granted and putting you down. I'm trying to be objective, but I'm hurt. He was a man who loved me for me, not just for my look, yet, all he is still interested in is a physical part of our relationship. He changed so much, almost becoming a different men.


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## leah100 (Feb 19, 2012)

deejov said:


> Something similar happened to me once years ago, although not hunting. BF had a newly single friend that was the shiny new penny in his life. The great single life, bitter towards women and families in general, giving not a great impression. Saying anything about the friend does come off as demonizing, but there is nothing wrong with stating some boundaries.
> 
> When is family time? When is friends time?
> Make a schedule. Make plans together as a family.
> ...


He talks to his friend daily and sees him at least once a week, maybe more. I don't have a very high opinion of the man, but he is not my friend and I didn't have a problem with that. I'm bothered by him putting his friend as his first priority, not us. For example, he can find time and energy to go with his friend anywhere, for a day or a few days. With us, going to a restaurant is a chore. I love outdoors (and our kids too) and his solution is to go to a park and camp. I told him not to bother, just take kids to a back yard and camp there. If location is truly not important, why is he wiling to drive for two days to get to a new and interesting place with his friend (like he used to do with us)? Our physical abilities are not a problem, we are all in a good shape.
I know, I didn't react well, but I'm just too hurt.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Leah, were you both married young and had kids at a young age?

To me it looks like he's trying to live out his youth with this new friend. Doing the things he always wanted to do but couldn't because of being too busy with the wife/kids/work.

You just have to lay down some boundaries with him, he's like a kid that just got the new toy. Take away the toy and he'll pout and throw tantrums. But at some point you're gonna have to limit his interaction with it or else he'll focus only on that one toy and forget about everything else. Until he gets bored of it then he'll go back to being normal until he gets another new toy/hobby/friend etc..


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Maybe you and the kids should start doing things with out him. Let him wonder where you are and where your going. It gives a man something to think about when he comes home nad no ones there. And when he phones, take plenty of time to answer.


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