# My wife admitted to me that she cheated



## confusedd

I have been married for 13 years to a beautiful woman and we have 3 amazing children. Like all marriages, we've had our ups and downs. For awhile now, it's been mostly downs.

About 4 years ago, I started playing an online game. At first I played whenever I could, just for fun, and it was completely unscheduled. I'd hop on whenever nothing else was going on. Eventually, I made friends and started to play at scheduled times when they'd be online as well. This group played 4 nights a week from 6-10. I get home from work at 4, so I'd hang out with the family, have dinner and then get online until 10. The kids would be in bed by then, and my wife would be getting ready.

On the 3 nights I wasn't playing, I would spend the entire time with my family. I do not go out with the guys. I don't drink. I'd be home, spending time with them, either games, TV or just whatever.

My wife would come to me and say that she needed my attention, that she hated the game and wanted me to spend more time with her. I'd tell her that I'd be done soon, but I'd still finish up before getting offline. A couple of times, she came into my office (at home) in her bathrobe, opened it up to show that she was wearing nothing underneath, and asked me to come to bed with her. Again, I'd say, OK, just a few more minutes.

I know. That is stupid and horrible. I could see that it hurt her, and I honestly did care about her. I just didn't see how much it hurt at the time. Overall, the 4 nights a week lasted about a year or a little more.

I saw her withdrawing from me, going out with her friends more, dancing, bars, being away from home more. I slowed my gaming down to 3 nights a week. This also lasted about a year.

I could still see that she was unhappy, but she would no longer come in and ask me to come to bed with her. She wouldn't bring up the game. She started to become pretty cold.

At that time, she was doing Zumba 1 night a week and band practice another night. I really wanted to spend more time with her, to rekindle that flame we once had. I then slowed my gaming down to only the nights that she would already be gone. By this time, I had realized that she felt abandoned, and I really do love my wife. I wanted to spend all my time with her.

I still felt her withdrawing, even though I only played while she was gone. She stopped going to Zumba, and started going to band practice only every other week or so. So, I stopped playing the game at any scheduled time. I would play, but only when she was gone. As soon as she walked in, I would log off. I would spend as much time as possible with her. I'd tell her repeatedly that I love her. I'd hug her, kiss her, take her out on dates. I'd ask her to spend time with me, but she'd complain that all we'd do is watch TV. We don't have a ton of extra money, so I'd ask her what else did she want to do? I never really got an answer.

I would tell her I love her, and get dead silence in return. Sometimes an "ok" or "me too," but often, just silence. We'd fight (never physical) pretty frequently, and always in our room, away from the kids. I'd be telling her that I need her to show love to me, and she'd tell me that I have to lose weight. She has become very health conscious lately, eating veggies and lean meats and exercising constantly.

She started going to a friends house 2-4 times a week to exercise. She'd never eat meals with the family. I'd have to make dinner for me and the kids, and she'd make her dinner after we started eating. I told her that I wanted her to eat with us, so she finally (after about 6 months of not having dinner with us) started making her dinner while I made dinner for the rest of the family.

I'm 6 foot, 205 pounds. That's about 15-20 pounds overweight. I'm not fat. I do not enjoy exercise, as a matter of fact, I hate it. I work in computers, and I spend my days in front of a desk. Of course I've put on weight since we met 15 years ago.

Every time I'd ask for her to show me love, she'd counter with I have to exercise first. She wanted to do the Insanity exercise DVDs, so I joined her. It was horrible! That is HARD. It is definitely NOT where one should START exercising. I did it for about 4 months, but I was not happy about it. I made it clear that I hated it, and that I was only doing it for her.

After 4 months, I quit. I'd compensate by being even more affectionate. I'd tell her I love you 10 times a day or more. Hold her hand every time I could reach it.

That was about a year and a half ago that I quit Insanity, and a year ago that I quit playing the game at any scheduled time. Since then, I've exercised here and there, never really putting a lot of heart into it. I beg for her attention. We make love 2-3 times a month instead of the 4-6 times a week that we used to. When we do make love, it is only after she has rejected me multiple times and I finally get pissed that she relents. She then lies there flat and emotionless and just lets me get it over with.

I've spent the last year trying everything to bring her back to me. I treat her like a princess. I do everything for her. Every time we argue and I tell her that, though, she says "You won't do the one thing I'm asking you to do, though." Exercise. I tell her, I'm asking you to be a part of this marriage, to do the things that are required for a marriage to work. Things like showing love, saying that you love me, holding me, making love to me. You are asking for something that is totally unrelated to making a marriage work, just because you know that it is the one thing I don't want to do. You ask for this because you know I hate it and if I don't do it, then you have an excuse not to improve our marriage.

Finally, a couple of weeks ago, I gave her an ultimatum. Either you be part of this marriage again, or get out. She responded back that we should just be roommates. No longer married in any real sense, just roommates, for the kid's sake. I could not handle that. I can't spend my days with someone I love, and every day have them not return that love. When I gave the ultimatum, I wanted her to see how desperate I was. I never expected her to choose that she wanted out of our relationship. I really don't want to lose her.

So, we argued some more, and I agreed to do anything and everything she ever asked for, just to get her to stay. I couldn't bear the thought of actually losing her. I began exercising every other day, even if she wasn't exercising, so that she could see I was serious about it. I would make sure she saw me exercising, but I'd never complain about it. I wouldn't nitpick anything she did.

That started only about a week or so ago.

Then we got to this weekend. I leaned in to kiss her, and she pushed me away. I asked her to kiss me, and she hung her head, then shook her head no. I was hurt. When we went to bed Saturday night, she started saying to me "I know I told you the one thing I could never forgive is..." I screamed "NOOOO" I dove out of the bed, hit the floor screaming for her to stop talking. I knew what was coming and I didn't want to hear it. I was in so much agony, and she wouldn't stop talking. She told me that she'd slept with another man about 2-3 years ago and that she has never been able to forgive herself since.

I don't know if it's normal, but I had to know the details. Not of the act, but of who he was, how they met, where it happened. I asked so many questions, and she wouldn't answer them, not right away. I eventually got his first name, where she'd met him. They had talked a few times, but never gone out. She was at Starbucks working on some paperwork one night, when he called her and asked what she was up to. She said she was finishing up but didn't feel like going home. So he asked to come by his place. And she agreed.

They were talking and he told her "you don't understand how much I want to kiss you." And she didn't stop him. They ended up having sex, and fortunately had the time to get a condom (I wonder if he had one, or if they had to run to the store... I hope she didn't have that much time to think about what was happening and still go through with it.) When it was over, she says the panicked and kept apologizing and then left. She drove home slowly, came in and I was playing so she went to the room and fell asleep. I never knew.

I asked if there had been anyone else. She said that there had been two other guys that she'd talked to, but that when it felt like they wanted to take it physical, she ended it. One she met at Zumba, and one she saw on her friend's Facebook wall and thought he was cute so she contacted him. Those both also ended about 2 years ago. I told her that my greatest fear was that I would be able and willing to forgive her, but that she'd still want to end our relationship. But I did forgive her, because I still love her very, very much.

We talked until I felt calm enough to drive, then I went out to meet with a friend who has gone through something similar. I got home around 3:30 and had to be up at 6:15. Sunday was a rough day. I was exhausted, depressed, in pain. Here we were, and even though she was the one who cheated on me, I was the one begging her to stay. I was so confused. It doesn't make sense.

I never really got a chance to break down and cry Saturday night. So Sunday, while she was sitting on the couch next to me working, and I was watching TV, I would turn my head away from her and cry for a little bit. I'd stop for 10 minutes and then start crying again. Finally, I got up and went into our room and collapsed on the bed sobbing. After about 30 minutes, I sent her a text message saying I felt like I needed to be a priority right now. She didn't come in right away, and just when I'd given up and started to head out of the room, she came walking in.

The first thing she said when she layed down next to me was "I'm not gonna let you beat me up over this and make me feel guilty. I feel bad enough, I don't need you making me go over it again and again, just pounding me with it. I'm not gonna let you manipulate my feelings like that." I was shocked! I'm the one that is devastated to find out that my wife cheated on me and when I ask to be a priority, she comes in to tell me that I can't make her feel bad. Right then, I felt like it needed to be about my feelings, not about hers. I told her, "Yes, I want you to feel the pain that I feel. I want you to see how bad this hurt me. But that's not why I called you in here." "Then why," she spat back. "I called you in here to hold me, let me cry, help me feel better. Don't say anything. Just hold me as I grieve." She paused a moment, but she did.

And I cried for 2 hours. Sobbing occasionally, then a more subdued cry, before the sobbing began again. Finally, after I cried myself out, I turned toward her and just stared at her for awhile. I still love her. I asked her to make love to me, she half-nodded, then stood up and said she just had to go save the file she'd been working on in the living room. She left and came back in a few moments later, undressed and then laid down next to me. She didn't reach for me... just presented the board again. I undressed and crawled on top of her. She told me "I want you to know that I know you need this, but it's not helping me. It's just making me mad, but I know you need it, so I want credit for doing this for you." Maybe it's wrong of me, but she was right, I needed this, so I made love to her.

We got up and went about our day. She went back to work on the couch, and I went grocery shopping. I came home and made dinner, and she ate with us. I was exhausted, so at 7:30, I went to bed and she joined me with her laptop as she finished the paperwork. I put my arm over my eyes and began to fall asleep.

She said, I'm gonna go out to the couch and finish up, I'll be back in a little bit. I asked her to kiss me goodnight when she came in, even if I was asleep. I fell asleep, so I don't know if she kissed me when she came in, but I didn't sleep well last night. I woke up off and on throughout the night. And every time I woke up, she had her arms around me. I was laying on my side, with my back to her, and she was right up against my back with her arm around me. The next time I woke up, I was on my back and she was on hers, with her hand laying on my chest. Another time, she had pulled my leg between her legs and was holding onto my leg. Every time I woke up, though, she was holding me. We've slept for so long, recently, on opposite sides of the bed, without touching, so this was a huge deal to me.

Before I left for work, I told her how big a deal that was to me. It was something I hadn't asked her for. Just her expression of love for me. I told her that I loved her, kissed her, but she didn't reply back. That's ok, she may not be able to say it, but last night, she showed me that she loved me, more than words could have done.

I'm still hurting, I'm still confused, I still have questions. I know that when she'd go out dancing with her friends, she'd dance and flirt with other guys. She's never told me that, but my sister went with her sometimes, and once my wife got drunk, my sister would have to drag her away as some guy got to touchy, reminding my wife that she was married. I know that I will have a hard time trusting her, but I also know that I really, truly love her.

I know that my lack of attention left her feeling abandoned. But her cheating was not my fault. That was her fault. She chose to do that. She could have chosen to make an ultimatum like I did when I'd gotten as far as I could handle. I have felt just as abandoned for the last year and a half, and I've never considered cheating on her. I never sought someone else. She felt abandoned and chose to cheat. I felt abandoned and chose to fight for my marriage.

I don't know where to go from here. I can't stand the idea of letting her go. It would be easier to consider if it weren't for finding her arms around me every time I awoke last night, but right now, I just really want my wife to be in love with me again.


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## crossbar

Dude, for her to say that she won't feel guilty about what she'd done? Really?!?! Well, she's had 2-3 years to deal with this, you JUST found out! It wouldn't have matter if it happened 2-3 years ago, you just found out and it feels like (to you) that it happened yesterday.) And then she sleeps with you, but before anything gets started she informs you that it's nothing more than a mercy f*ck for her. Screw that! She needs to own up to what she's done. I suggest that you get into counseling to help deal with your feelings because she's made it obvious that she has no intention of helping you with that.

I would also recommend that you start the 180 on her.


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## thunderstruck

Yikes. Brutal. This woman has zero respect for you. 

Take a deep breath, stop talking so much to her, buy the No More Mr. Nice Guy book today and start doing the work.


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## Shaggy

There is so much that does not add up here.

First, why did she tell you now? It's been years why now?

Why has she continued to withdraw?

Why doesn't she eat with the family?

What is really going on at the friends house?

Time and time again people that come here find the aren't getting the full truth even when the spouse confesses, they get a watered down trickle truth.

Why only once with the guy three years ago? And if she felt so guilty why were there at least two others.

She is the one that cheated, so why the defiant attitude?

Is there someone she is seeing now that is trying to get her to leave you.

I wonder if she is trying to get you to leave. That's why she told you about the old affair hoping to get you to leave so she can move in a new guy.

Don't assume you've got the full truth by anymeans.


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## mahike

OK first things first. This is trickle truth. She is only going to tell you so much. You are a computer guy. Have you checked her email accounts, FB, Cell phone records? By the way get ready for blame shift. If she had a PA or an EA, it was her choice and you did nothing to force her into it. She made the choice. I would demand the full name of the guy she had the PA with and expose

Start the 180
Go to MC right away. Even if she is not willing to go
Go to the DR and get checked for STD's (your iwfe slept with someone, most PA's are unprotected)

I am sorry you are here it hurts. You need to find out as much as you can about what is currently going on. I am betting at the least she is still in contact.

Stay cool and do your research


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## iJordan

confusedd said:


> *She told me that she'd slept with another man about 2-3 years ago* and that she has never been able to forgive herself since.





confusedd said:


> I asked if there had been anyone else. * She said that there had been two other guys that she'd talked to, but that when it felt like they wanted to take it physical, she ended it.* One she met at Zumba, and one she saw on her friend's Facebook wall and thought he was cute so she contacted him. Those both also ended about 2 years ago.





confusedd said:


> The first thing she said when she layed down next to me was *"I'm not gonna let you beat me up over this and make me feel guilty*. I feel bad enough, *I don't need you making me go over it again and again, just pounding me with it. I'm not gonna let you manipulate my feelings like that." *





confusedd said:


> She told me *"I want you to know that I know you need this, but it's not helping me. It's just making me mad, but I know you need it, so I want credit for doing this for you."*


Your wife is a horrible and selfish person. I'm truncating my description of her at those to adjectives, but believe me: she's getting off easy.

Oh, and this is likely b u l l s h i t:



confusedd said:


> They ended up having sex, and fortunately had the time to get a condom (I wonder if he had one, or if they had to run to the store... I hope she didn't have that much time to think about what was happening and still go through with it.)


Get tested and stop being walked over.


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## Exsquid

Hey man I feel your pain. I know your pain! I recently discovered(8weeks ago) my wife was having an affair for the past 2 years. I read your story all the way through, and not unlike a couple of others, I too feel that something just isn't right here. When my wife first confessed, she told me that it had only been a couple of times, then it was 4 or 5 over a 5 month period, then it was a dozen times in 2 years. I am only saying this because you need to be prepared for the whole truth to come out. It is coming I assure you. There is very little doubt in my mind that she is concealing A LOT more from you. She is clearly still on the defensive. My wife took a defensive stance about her situation at first too, but the moment she confessed to all of it, that defensive stance seemed to go away. Something in her words just tells me that she is hiding more. I have to be honest with you, it isn't going to be easy for you, but in my opinion you need to keep pushing for more information. Tell her she is still hiding things from you and you know it. If she continues with her current behavior, then consider taking the 180 approach. 

I'm not sure if my way of handling my situation was "correct" but I can say that I do know all about my wifes affair now. Knowledge is the key to understanding your own feelings. 

I wish you luck. If you have any questions, ask away.


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## confusedd

I'm sorry, I've tried to search... what is the 180?


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## MattMatt

This is tough. BUT! It is do-able. MC is a must at some point.


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## keko

confusedd said:


> I'm sorry, I've tried to search... what is the 180?


Check my sig.


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## confusedd

We did do marriage counseling at the beginning of last month. We went to two sessions. In the first session, I told the councilor everything I said above about my gaming. The councilor just scribbled on her notepad the entire time I was talking. When I was done, she turned to my wife.

As my wife talked, the councilor kept nodding and saying "aww" and "oh" and comforting her and glancing at me like "look what you've done to her." But I accepted it, because I really felt like I had caused all of what was going on in our marriage.

At the second session, we'd had a good week, so we talked to the councilor, but didn't really get anywhere.

The following week, my wife went on vacation to see her cousin all the way across the country. We could not afford for all of us to go, so she went by herself. While there, she got a call with an offer for a training that would occur one week after she returned home. She accepted the offer without talking to me about it.

While she was gone, her car's A/C went out, so it was in the shop and wouldn't be complete by the time that she returned. When I let her know, her immediate response was "Well, I have a friend in town (where the airport is, 2.5 hours from our home), maybe I can just stay with her until the car is done."

I was shocked! I told her, no, we miss you, I'll figure something out. I had her parents watch the kids and I went to get her. When she came down the ramp from the airport and saw me she just said "Hey you," and kept walking. I had to stop her and get her to hug me. She had been gone nearly two weeks and couldn't even hug me when she saw me again. While she was gone I'd text her that I missed her or loved her. She only ever said she loved me once and missed us twice the entire time she was gone.

She was home one week, and then took off again for the training. And was gone for a week for that training. We both work for a school district, so she spent her entire summer break away from us.

We haven't been back to that councilor, and I really don't want to see her again. My wife never told the councilor about the affair, and just allowed it to appear as all my fault. I did ask my wife to go to a Christian councilor but she said she doesn't want someone telling her how bad a sinner she is and laying down laws she must follow.

God, I'm feel horrible.


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## Shaggy

Without telling your wife you should get a copy of Married Mans Sex Life by Athol, read it and get start ASAP on raising your rank. 

That will be part of your offensive plan on bringing her back to the marriage. Crying isn't going to do it, neither is housework.

Second, get the cell phone records from now to as far back as you can. Go through them and see who she has been talking texting with.

Do not confront her anything, you need to do a deep dive of information gathering.

Also get a key logger on your pc, and a VAR in her car. Your wife is still living in a private world of her own, you need to know every detail of that world.

Remember right now you've been told a little bit of her past cheating. She hasn't recommitted to the marriage, and she hasnt pleaded to what is needed to fix it.


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## mahike

OK you need to nut up. Why did you not say anything about the affair. You have to fix that before you can even think about R. She was not happy to see you because something else is still going on.

Have you checked the things I mentioned. her phone, emails, FB. check the phone for photos. Put a VAR in her car.

If she did not ask you about going to this training she does not want to really fix anything she is not respecting you. 

Get tough brother. Do not give her a choice of the MC, that is your call. She does not want the guilt of what she is done. you have to do the 180 and be hard nosed about it.


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## Exsquid

Wow, I'm really sorry man. I must stick to my original assesment with one change. I believe she is involved with someone now, or just got out of a lenghty affair. It sounds like she isn't feeling any remorse for what she has done because she doesn't really care about you or your marriage at this point in time. (Not to say she won't again, she may just not realize it right now). Again I may be wrong, but I'm sure I am not alone when I say you haven't really been told anything yet. All that you and the rest of us can do now is speculate, and prepare for what is to come.


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## Shaggy

I just read you last post.

Sorry, but I think your wife is seeing someone else currently. I think as you did into her absences and who she is really spending time with you'll find another man.

Get those phone records ASAP.

Also get her credit card records and see if there are unexplained charges or charges in places she shouldn't have been.


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## costa200

Are you using some sort of manual on how to be more beta? Because you are truly doing all the right things to debase yourself and lower your attractiveness to your "wife" (using the term in the legal form). 



> We got up and went about our day. She went back to work on the couch, and I went grocery shopping. I came home and made dinner, and she ate with us.


So, after you found out that your "wife" was cheating on you you go grocery shopping and cook her dinner? Whaaaaaaaat?

So you actually reward this woman for her behavior? What about next time? What will you do next time? yes, because so far all she is got is that she can cheat and you won't even raise waves about it.


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## iJordan

Serve her with divorcee papers and tell her she has the remaining time to change your mind.


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## Exsquid

Shaggy said:


> Do not confront her anything, you need to do a deep dive of information gathering.QUOTE]
> 
> I feel that it is very important to dive deep and find out the whole story. This includes emails, phone records, bank statments, etc. But I also believe that it is important to keep her talking and now, while doing so. It can only help the situation. She may bring up a senario that you hadn't even considerd before. Thus you will have more things you know you will have to look into. I started with the information gathering, I looked at all kinds of things but it was tough to spot the affair at first through these means. (she covered well).
> 
> In my case I was able learn more because she would make a statment or admition to something, and I was able to go back and cross refrence it with phone records and such. I was then able to determine that that a pattern was in play. I took my pattern to her, and was able to get her to admit to more. Finally she just unloaded the whole truth. I'm not sure if I would have known everything if I hadn't continued to push for answers in the early going.


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## theroad

School districts don't send people off for a weeks training. Sounds like WW went a vacation with the OM.

Hide a GPS on WW car and a digital VAR.


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## sinnister

Sorry. I felt horrible for you reading your story. You need to stop loving this woman right now. Not only does she not love you anymore...she HATES you and wants to inflict as much pain on you as she can. I wish that weren't true but look at the proof?

You neglected her for a while but nothing you did deserves the treatment you're getting. Cut your loses. You dont love this woman she is today and I doubt the one you did love is ever coming back.


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## sinnister

costa200 said:


> Are you using some sort of manual on how to be more beta? Because you are truly doing all the right things to debase yourself and lower your attractiveness to your "wife" (using the term in the legal form).
> 
> 
> 
> So, after you found out that your "wife" was cheating on you you go grocery shopping and cook her dinner? Whaaaaaaaat?
> 
> So you actually reward this woman for her behavior? What about next time? What will you do next time? yes, because so far all she is got is that she can cheat and you won't even raise waves about it.[/QUO this post. You need to be a man here and show pride. Hard as that is right now.


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## confusedd

I looked through her call history and didn't find anything. She deactivated her FaceBook yesterday afternoon, but I just discovered that she has reopened it with a message to text her, call her, email her, but she'll be off FB for awhile and is keeping it open to stay in touch with family.

I've gone through her emails, but those are easy to delete. I found nothing.

I don't have her Facebook password. She has an iPhone that has Find My iPhone on it. I've used that a few times, but it shows me where she is now. It doesn't keep a history.


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## Shaggy

What does she use to do email and fb? A phone a pc?

I'd be looking for a burner phone possibly, or them using Skype/IM.

The other possibility is they are together and so she doesn't need to contact him.


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## confusedd

She uses her Macbook. There is no burner phone that I've ever seen. I guess that's the point of a burner phone, but I really don't think so.

Just to be clear... I didn't make her dinner. I made dinner for myself and our kids, and she decided to eat what we were having for a change.

The training was not a school district one. It was a history training put on by a grant. I know for a fact that she was at that training. I do not know what she did afterwards during the nights since she was out of town.


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## keko

Try installing a keylogger on her computer, this way you'll catch her messages if she were to delete them.

+1 on her still being in an affair.


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## happyman64

Confusedd,

Your wife is angry. She has years of anger aimed right at yiur head for ignoring her.

Sadly, her cheating and how she treats you now shows how checked out of the marriage she is.

I agree with the investigating. he did not have to come clean. She did it to hurt you! She did it to show how much she feels hurt by your rejection.

You definitely need to step up and take control of your relationship.

You need to get her into counselling to work out her feelings about you and the marriage. Because otherwise she will keep doing her own thing and act like you guys are in an open marriage.

That is what she asked you for, you realize that right????

She has a right to feel angry. You own those issues of her feeling abandoned by you.

But she owns the cheating. If you still love her and can forgive her Do not let her run away from the marriage like a coward.

Make her face her decisions now.....

If she will not face them then you are just wasting your time.

HM64


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## iJordan

Seriously, you need to go all in, balls out, and smack her in the face with divorce papers. 

This is a woman who, after admitting to having sex with another man and talking to two other men, said: 



> I'm not gonna let you beat me up over this and make me feel guilty. I feel bad enough, I don't need you making me go over it again and again, just pounding me with it. I'm not gonna let you manipulate my feelings like that [. . .] I know you need [me to make love to you], but it's not helping me. It's just making me mad, but I know you need it, so I want credit for doing this for you.


This is abhorrent; she has zero respect or care for you. Sometimes, a full-on nuclear attack is the best strategy—*****footing around will just result in prolonged damage.

I just noticed you mentioned kids. I don't know their gender or age; however many posters will make allusions to the difference that fact makes—and it does. But, here is something to think about: by staying with this woman for the sake of your children, you may well be setting the example for your son or daughter that it is OK for a woman to walk all over a man.


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## confusedd

At this point, what I feel I need is:
1. Her Facebook password
2. I need her to put the Married to: status on her Facebook page and make sure it stays there... she's had it "disappear" before and I got her to put it back, but it's gone again.
3. Access to her phone so I can read through the messages... and access any time I ask
4. Signs from her that she really wants to be here and involved in the marriage
5. The rest of the story... the full truth
6. A real apology... meaning it

Ugh


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## keko

1.Don't ask for her password's. She'll just delete whatever message is in there before giving the passwords.

2.Stop with the facebook drama.

3.Which phone is she using? On some you'll be able to get the backups through a computer. Again if you ask for it, she'll start deleting through it.

4.Let me break the news for you, she is NOT interested in marriage as of now so forget about having her show signs of happiness or whatever.

5.Yes.

6.You can ask for it but her response won't be from heart. Wait for her to apologize herself.


----------



## mahike

iJordan said:


> Seriously, you need to go all in, balls out, and smack her in the face with divorce papers.
> 
> This is a woman who, after admitting to having sex with another man and talking to two other men, said:
> 
> 
> 
> This is abhorrent; she has zero respect or care for you. Sometimes, a full-on nuclear attack is the best strategy—*****footing around will just result in prolonged damage.
> 
> I just noticed you mentioned kids. I don't know their gender or age; however many posters will make allusions to the difference that fact makes—and it does. But, here is something to think about: by staying with this woman for the sake of your children, you may well be setting the example for your son or daughter that it is OK for a woman to walk all over a man.


Ok so your wife is good at hiding things. Why would you let her go on a vacation alone. If you could not all go then she should have stayed home.

Your wife needs a wake up call. Divorce papers, throw her out. I said it before get tough.

You need to expose the affair. She has already admitted to one let her parents know and your parents.

Do it know. My biggest mistake was being a nice guy when I found out. It does not work.


----------



## mahike

By the way the emotional detachment she has with you is because she has it with someone else and it is still going on. The VAR in the car and the keylogger in a few days you will no more then you want to.

By the way her Iphone I bet it is locked and is never out of her hand.


----------



## the guy

Sorry your wife handled this unhealthy marriage in such a terrible way. She made a choice and it was the wrong one. Also sorry you have such a terrible counselor.

Sorry your not willing to let her go, she sees this and has your number. Irt appreas she is doing just enough to keep her guilt an arms length away will she continues to distance her self from the marriage.

You aren't going any were, I know it, your wife knows it and you know it. So why should she change?

She knows exactly what will keep you passified and does just enough to get by. Until you show her that even though she may not be currently sleeping around her behavior inticates its just a matter of time before she starts up again....I say this b/c you have no new proof ...so your only arguement that has merit is the fact that she is acting like she is not marriaed and that should be unexceptable to you and it should make you willing to let her go...no matter how painful.

I guess what I'm say is the nice guy crap don't work, its the tough love approach that will get her to think twice about what she is about to lose.

Until she start to second guess her dicisions she won't think twice in behaving the way she is currently behaving...know you have no real consequences for her action, cuz you ain't going anywere.

Just let her go...you will see a change in her toon when she sees a change in yours.

You can control her so don't try, but you can stop tolorating her crap by asking her to leave, a statement that will show her how confident you are and no longer willing to share your wife. See will leave so be prepared and stop begging for her return!

I think you have some time before you get to that point, but when you do we will be here to support you .


----------



## aug

confusedd said:


> At this point, what I feel I need is:
> 1. Her Facebook password
> 2. I need her to put the Married to: status on her Facebook page and make sure it stays there... she's had it "disappear" before and I got her to put it back, but it's gone again.
> 3. Access to her phone so I can read through the messages... and access any time I ask
> *4. Signs from her that she really wants to be here and involved in the marriage
> 5. The rest of the story... the full truth*
> 6. A real apology... meaning it
> 
> Ugh


You wont get 4 and 5 from her. 

She has years of practice of deceiving you and is comfortable about the deceit. You'll only get partial, tiny amount of "truth".

You'll need to be able to program yourself to be able to move on. Protect your finances and assets. Learn to detach and be logical in your dealings. 

Read up on "Let her go". Read up on the 180. These are to shore you up emotionally and not to win her back; though, the result may be that.

Read up on the stages of grief. Know for yourself what you will be going through as the marriage you once had is finished.

I am trying here to give you practical advice. Whether or not you can carry them out is up to you.


----------



## Ikaika

confusedd said:


> Finally, a couple of weeks ago, I gave her an ultimatum. Either you be part of this marriage again, or get out. She responded back that we should just be roommates. No longer married in any real sense, just roommates, for the kid's sake. I could not handle that. I can't spend my days with someone I love, and every day have them not return that love. When I gave the ultimatum, I wanted her to see how desperate I was. I never expected her to choose that she wanted out of our relationship. I really don't want to lose her.


This right here is the key passage that should have given you the hint it is OVER. It really does not make any difference whether she is currently having an affair or not, it would appear she has checked out of the marriage. 

Saving a marriage would require two people... it may very well be that she only went to counseling to appease you so that you would not physically split up the family for the kids sake. 

I know you are hurt, however you probably would be best served by seeking legal counsel at this point. Take a deep breath, try to remain civil throughout this struggle and no matter what, keep the kids in the fore front of every step you take from here on out. As much as you are hurting, the kids are as well and they have little control over what is happening. Pocket your own personal feelings and do what is best for the children. 

I wish you the best.


----------



## the guy

BTW, once you do find the strength to ask her to leave and she will call your bluff and leave, it will take days for her to see what she is about to lose and then the shift in power will change from you chacing her to stay in the marriage ...to her chasing you to stay in the marriage.

This is a risky tactic, and she may even be in a exit affair already and her fog may be so think that it could take months for her to come out of...if she ever does.

At the end of the day if and when you want to stop sharing your wife you will have to let her go. Then it will be up to her to come back or not.


----------



## the guy

drerio makes a good point about it being over, until your WW see you are over her and has the perception that you are letting her go, then its up to your WW to do what you require to take her back.

A perseption of you no longer chasing.


----------



## the guy

You'd be surprised how getting served divorce paper can turn a cake eat spouse around.

Filing for divorce is not as final as it seems, There is always a waiting period and if your WW changes her tune then you can always withdraw it.

I know you do not want her to leave, but can you continue to share your wife?


----------



## Davelli0331

If my wife had acted any of the ways you described when you found out about her cheating, I'd have walked. This woman doesn't sound like she's "in the fog", she sounds like she knows full well what she did, feels justified in doing it, and flat out doesn't care how it makes you feel.

I rarely ever give this advice on TAM, but I would seriously consider divorce. From the way you describe it, this woman doesn't respect you, doesn't love you, doesn't even like you. She sounds like whatever love and respect she had for you has been replaced with deep-seated anger and bitterness. She may be hoping you file just so she can get out of the marriage without the guilt of killing it.


----------



## badbane

To be honest here I very seriously doubt the affair is over. I think you need to do the 180 and commit to it. Your wife is still in the fog or just doesn't respect you. Yes you over committed to video games, but you didn't cause her to cheat. In her eyes she is justified by the abandonment.
It is time for you to wake up now. It is time to get angry. This woman screwed you over. Your wife screwed another man. I am sorry but now is the time to get outraged. Your wife in controlling you and maipulating you. You are the one who decides whether or not this woman should be in your life. You need to kick her out. Separate your money because right now I have a 95% feeling that there is going to be another DDay. I stop sniveling you are in a war now. It is time to buck up, man up, and set your boundaries. 
If you continue to play nice you will only push her farther away.
you need to demand any an all passwords to all email accounts, instant message accounts, phone bills, and facebook. 
You also need to demand complete No Contact. (i am willing to bet you they are still talking now.)
You also need to expose her to her friends, family, and anyone else that is close or important to her. 
You have to act now or lose her forever. the ball is in your court now.


----------



## KanDo

I am sorry you are here. You have received some good advice above and unfortunately you have done all the wrong things so far.

1. Man up! Read the man up threads and the 180 and begin NOW

2. File for divorce!. She currently has no respect for you. I believe she is in an ongoing affair given your description, and nothing short of the "atomic solution" will wake her up. File and mean it. If through some miracle there is remorse and honest desire to work on things, you can always withdraw from the proceedings. Without the divorce papers, she will continue to see you as a weak and undesirable man who will put up with her atrocities. And realize that right now you are weak and undesirable.

3. Expose her affair to her family, your family and your friends. You need the negative consequences of her actions raining down on her.

Understand this. I can not tell you this will work to get you wife back in the marriage. Actually, it probably won't. She is already WAY checked out. But, I can tell you that playing the wimpy beta male will definitely not lead to a return to a health marriage.

Please benefit from all the experience here on the forum and stop making the same mistakes so many others make. Recognize that the woman you married is gone. No one can tell you who, if anyone, will return to the marriage. I know that I wold just be moving on.

Good luck


----------



## SomedayDig

iPhone backs up via iTunes.

You can possibly get the back up from the texts there.


----------



## hookares

confused, a cheater will ALWAYS find a way to make their indiscretion their spouse's fault. Although each of us here can find fault in some facets of their married life where we could have done things differently, it will NEVER be the betrayed spouses fault for the other person cheating. If my ex had told me what the problem she had with our marriage before she ended up carrying her first child, we would have split immediately and she might have found that which she wanted without spreading her legs for so many guys she didn't even know what some of their names were.
Nothing wrong with being in a failed marriage. There is something wrong with staying in one, however.


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## LostCPA

It sounds like your WW’s OM was caught and she was afraid she was about to be exposed so she told you just enough to cover herself. What you have is likely only the tip of the iceberg. Here is the likely truth:
1.	Those EA’s years ago were likely physical. She is a serial cheater.
2.	This last affair was not a one time thing. It is long term and is still ongoing.
3.	There was never any protection used. There almost never is in affairs.
4.	There’s a good chance those trips out of town included the OM.

There is one truth that you can be sure of. She is LYING. The way you know a WW is lying is when she moves her mouth. At best you have only gotten partial truths.

My advice would be to see a lawyer and have him begin the process of filing. You can always reconcile and drop the proceedings. Demand a polygraph from your WW wife as a condition for recovery. Don’t make it optional. If she refuses, tell her to pack her crap and get out. Your only hope is to knock the affair fog out of her. It may even take her leaving for a while for reality to set in. The only thing that will result from you being understanding and considerate of her feelings is that you will be strung along while she continues her affair right under your nose.


----------



## Paulination

confusedd said:


> At this point, what I feel I need is:
> 1. Her Facebook password
> 2. I need her to put the Married to: status on her Facebook page and make sure it stays there... she's had it "disappear" before and I got her to put it back, but it's gone again.
> 3. Access to her phone so I can read through the messages... and access any time I ask
> 4. Signs from her that she really wants to be here and involved in the marriage
> 5. The rest of the story... the full truth
> 6. A real apology... meaning it
> 
> Ugh


And when you ask and she says "no", then what? I feel bad that you feel bad but if you are as desperate around her as you seem in your post, then there is no chance you'll get her respect and the marriage back on track.

You have to stop analyzing every little gesture of affection or lack there of. You are constantly testing the temperature of things and she percieves that as insecure and weak.

I know what that is like. My wife didn't cheat but some things happened which made me insecure and I started over analyzing things and driving her nuts. Eventually I said "fvck this, I'm a good guy and she's lucky to have me". She has to know that you'll be fine without her. Right now she knows that she can disrespect you and emasculate you and your reaction is to want sex and chase her.

I'm not being critical of you because I have been there (previous marriage) and I know about insecurity in my current marriage and that all goes away with some self respect.


----------



## confusedd

OK. Right now I know it looks really bad. I agree that there is a good chance there is more going on than she has told me. I am terrified that something may still be going on right now.

But, with all that said, I wouldn't feel right exposing everything to her family, my family, our friends. If she puts in an effort over the next day or two, then I'd like to let that effort continue to grow. If she does not, then maybe I'd reconsider that.

If I tell her family, my family and our friends, I'll have done irreparable damage to our relationship, and likely make her feel like her life has been ruined. I just don't know that I can be that cruel a person.

There are moments where I'd like to hurt her like that, but I don't think I could really be that vengeful to her.

I pray that she was completely honest last night, that it was all a long time ago and that it has all been over for a long time. I see the signs that that is not the case, but right now, I want to keep my hopes up.

I also understand all of you who have said to man up. I get it. The sobbing is not very manly. If tonight goes poorly, I will likely ask her to move out. When I've brought it up before, she always says she wants to get our finances in order first, but if I have to ask her to leave, I won't be waiting for that. If she won't go at that point, then, yes, I will likely let her family know why I've asked her to leave.


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## keko

Unless she faces pressure from all over(her family, your family, friends) she'll have no real reason to change/improve herself.


----------



## LostCPA

Exposing her affair is NOT cruel. The only consequences she will face are totally self inflicted.

By the way, if she gave you the truth like you described, it will be the first time in literally 1000's of accounts on this site where that is the case.

I know the truth that we are posting to you is difficult, but go back and read my story and you will see that I was just like you. See where that got me.


----------



## Shooboomafoo

"Exposing" is a source of lots of back and forth here at TAM. 
Some think that using exposure as a means to get your wife back is counterproductive. Others insist that doing so is the only way to "shock" her back into thinking straight. 
I think one has to go by the type of person their WS is. For me, exposing to others kind of got me no where, as no one including her family really gave a sh!t. Her friends told her to go meet the dude in a bar to "see what was there", so no real shock from them...
Once I mentioned it to a few people, in the form of, "i dont know whats happening, but I think...." it came back to me incredibly fast, with her saying I ruined any chance of working things out.


----------



## the guy

If she had real remorse she would offer to tell her family her self and ask for there support in the marriage.

What is she doing to affair proof her marriage?

Cuz let me tell you, being gone all summer with such a fragile marriage doesn't look good for her. I mean you don't want to think about the unthinkable, but from I'm sitting, she .....well lets just wait and see.

It sound like you are willing to let her go, but I have a feeling she's not going anywere and will continue to make your life hell. 

Sorry but until you see the smoking gun , this looks like a great examble of sweeping the affair/s under the carpet.

Have you though about planting a voices actived recorder in her car?


----------



## Paulination

confusedd said:


> If I tell her family, my family and our friends, I'll have done irreparable damage to our relationship, and likely make her feel like her life has been ruined. I just don't know that I can be that cruel a person.


Worrying about making her mad after she cheated on you is as beta as it gets. You are setting up the situation to be livable instead of sustainable and thriving. She will get bored quickly and cheat again. Especially with the lack of consequence.


----------



## Ikaika

confusedd said:


> OK. But, with all that said, I wouldn't feel right exposing everything to her ...our friends. If she puts in an effort over the next day or two, then I'd like to let that effort continue to grow. If she does not, then maybe I'd reconsider that.


I hate to tell you this, but from personal experience, her friends probably already know. If she has siblings that are close to her, they may already know. You may not have to worry about this... Here is the thing, she has to come groveling to you... if she is not waiting on you hand and foot to make up for her deeds, then there will be no "... effort continue to grow."



confusedd said:


> I also understand all of you who have said to man up. I get it. The sobbing is not very manly. If tonight goes poorly, I will likely ask her to move out. When I've brought it up before, she always says she wants to get our finances in order first, but if I have to ask her to leave, I won't be waiting for that. If she won't go at that point, then, yes, I will likely let her family know why I've asked her to leave.


Ok... Your love for her is admirable. You want to give her to the 11th hour to change. Get off the web right now. Get out a suitcase or go and buy a cheap one and begin packing her things. Place them at the door so she has no choice but to either grab it or trip over it. At this point her finances are no longer your problem... your main focus is the finances of what remains of your family. Tomorrow don't come here for anymore advice, contact a divorce attorney. You need that more than anything else at this point. No more excuses from her and you need to stop reasoning on her behalf. Move on and learn.


----------



## thunderstruck

I'm all for exposing affairs to blow them up, but if I understand this one correctly, it ended 2+ years ago. I see no point in exposing it to family/friends. If the OP finds a smoking gun now, and he should be digging deep with this liar/cheater W, then yes, expose away.


----------



## the guy

In my case my fWW wore her scarlet letter well and the consequences that came with it...again another sign of remorse on my fWW part.

So I'm in the crowd that thinks exposure is a must. I also think your heading for a fake R if you don't.

My point is you have to really piss of the WW spouse, you have to see what they are made of and if they can handle the consequences for there cheating. They need to own it in order to deal with it and prevent it from happening again.

See, its about what the wayward is will to do to save their marriage. If you think for one minute that its all about what the betrayed has to do to keep the marriage you are in for a long hual IMHO.


----------



## DavidWYoung

Divorce this Bitc?. You can do alot better than this POS. She is LYING to you and DISRESPCTING YOU. You do not need this. You are acting like her doormat. STOP this now! You are a man, you have a computer science degree, you can work ANYWERE in the world. You are in a better position than 95% of the people in the world. Stop wasting your time with someone so wicked. Find a hot girl from South America, Thailand, Czech Republic, Russia. There are so many women that would kill just to get a date with you. Tell your wife to GTFO! Now!


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## Thor

Quietly gather intel over the next few days to a week. VAR in her car. Keylogger on her computer. Talk to an atty. STFU during this week. Do not accuse or confront her if you find evidence of more than she admitted to. Come here first.

Hope for the best but prepare for the worst.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## iJordan

I really don't see any benefit from gathering evidence of further affairs when her attitude towards her last affair was so callous and entitled. In fact, I think it is a waste of effort.


----------



## confusedd

Fantasy time:
What if she is telling me the truth? What if it was a long time ago and has been over for a long time? What then? Do I still kick her out? Do I still expose her?

Like I said, "fantasy." I know that the chances are that there is more to the story. You've convinced me of that. But, if we pretended that what she told me is true, then what?


----------



## iJordan

confusedd said:


> Fantasy time:
> What if she is telling me the truth? What if it was a long time ago and has been over for a long time? What then? Do I still kick her out? Do I still expose her?
> 
> Like I said, "fantasy." I know that the chances are that there is more to the story. You've convinced me of that. But, if we pretended that what she told me is true, then what?


Then that doesn't change the fact that she told you to quit making her feel bad for ****ing another guy.


----------



## Ikaika

confusedd said:


> Fantasy time:
> What if she is telling me the truth? What if it was a long time ago and has been over for a long time? What then? Do I still kick her out? Do I still expose her?
> 
> Like I said, "fantasy." I know that the chances are that there is more to the story. You've convinced me of that. But, if we pretended that what she told me is true, then what?


You want to know the truth? File for divorce, then you will get the truth... some of it you may not want to hear, but you will eventually get the truth, especially if she is cash strapped and wants to fight for her share of the "pie." 

If you kick her out and if she really wants to be with you she will contact you: leave 100s of voicemails and texts msgs. If you don't hear from her again until it is time for divorce proceedings then you have a clear answer for you fantasy, "pop". 

Listen, I really feel for you and do wish you the best, but you need to look beyond the fantasy. You have look out for what remains of your family.


----------



## aug

confusedd said:


> Fantasy time:
> What if she is telling me the truth? What if it was a long time ago and has been over for a long time? What then? Do I still kick her out? Do I still expose her?
> 
> Like I said, "fantasy." I know that the chances are that there is more to the story. You've convinced me of that. But, if we pretended that what she told me is true, then what?



Then ask for concrete evidence that it was over. The onus is on her to provide the proof.

Example of proof are:
- emails/texts from the past where they had the splitting up, 
- friends she told about the affair,
- get her to write out the complete timeline, things they did, where they were, etc. Something that you can check up on.
- she explains why she is still treating so sh!tty


She should still show remorsefulness for her affair(s). Without it, the marriage forward is crippled.


----------



## the guy

I think the point is her current behavior is no longer exceptable.

She told you every thing and you can acknowledge that is her truth, but the point remains the same, her behavior is unexceptable.

"Not only have you cheated on me but your currant behavior is unexceptable and not inclusive of a faithfull wife. You may not be sleeping around right now, but I do not see you affair proofing the marriage and I want you to leave until you show thru your actions that you want this marriage"

She will give you all kids of crap and she may not even leave, but stay to point "she cheated" "affair proofing the marriage" and " action that show true remorse"

When she ask what action then state the things you and others mentioned above in your thread.

If she refuse ask her to leave, then rinse and repeat.


----------



## Lon

Confused... let your anger come out a little, you cannot offend anyone, you've just discovered that you've been suffering the ultimate betrayal. And you are being WAY too nice...

trust me, my story and almost all the details parallels yours exactly

In hindsight I wish I'd have exposed right away instead of making promises of discretion to her, I wish I'd kicked her out right away instead of doing a whole sh1tload of nice things for her, and in hindsight I wish I'd have manned up sooner (or at all for that matter) because the anger that you have learned to repress is keeping you from being able to put this all as straight as you can.

Also, of course it is obvious, that she didn't cheat on you 2-3 years ago, she has been having extramarital relations all along for the past 3+ years, that's how trickle truth works - those "other two guys" weren't just approaching her (women have men approaching them continuously, so why do these 2 stand apart for her?) she alteast went out with both and made out, if not had full on sex. Oh, and there was no condom, that was a lie too - see your doctor and ask him for STD tests just to make sure you have not picked up something nasty from her.

For the sake of the kids, get yourself a shark lawyer who will put your best interest first with the separation agreement (IMHO there is nothing to be saved in your marriage right now, she is not remorseful whatsoever she only is assuaging her guilt by admitting she feels a little bad that you had to find out about this).

Sorry you are the newest member of our club.


----------



## confusedd

Should I have her read any of this?


----------



## Dan Carruthers

It is very possible that the woman has multiple partners with many ONSs too.

Her obsession to Exercise n his body building is indicating her Carnal Inflations .her waywardness might have given her experiences with hard bodied guys and she has an over driven libido..

her leg twining while he was asleep shows , she has deep carnal flares and her sexual needs are different from what the hubby thinks or what he can do with his love.

this kind of women need hard treatments while in coitus.


----------



## Ikaika

confusedd said:


> Should I have her read any of this?


In my opinion this would not be necessary... If you think that she will change because of what she reads, don't waste your time or hers. You need to move on. Move on, move on.


----------



## the guy

She will not like the new you.

She will be mad that she can no longer cheat on you.

She will be upset that you are now making her current affair more difficult and more inconvienent.

So be prepared who knows she may leave, and when she does inform her that you will consider this abandonment and will finish packing the rest of her stuff.

She may even be cabable of falsely accusing you tonight and call the police...a VAR is real important now. Becare and stay calm do not threaten her.

I stongely suggest getting a VAR before you ask her to leave, you really need to be more prepared IMO. Something tells me you need to do more planing and write it down. 

This little talk you are about to have could go south quick and you won't be prepared....again false accusations could happen then bamb your the one leaving.

Do think you are emotionally prepared for all the variables that could happen?


----------



## the guy

No!!!!
Keep her away from this site until she shows you thru her actions and you can validate that she is no longer sleeping around.

This could be an exit affair going on right now and if she walks she will have access to your game plan.


----------



## thunderstruck

Don't share this site with her. Lay low, act nice, let her drop her guard, and snoop on her for a while. You can decide later to nuke the marriage or not. 

Also, don't get her pregnant.


----------



## lovelygirl

You come off as too needy.
You need to learn to live without her.


----------



## MattMatt

confusedd said:


> We did do marriage counseling at the beginning of last month. We went to two sessions. In the first session, I told the councilor everything I said above about my gaming. The councilor just scribbled on her notepad the entire time I was talking. When I was done, she turned to my wife.
> 
> As my wife talked, the councilor kept nodding and saying "aww" and "oh" and comforting her and glancing at me like "look what you've done to her." But I accepted it, because I really felt like I had caused all of what was going on in our marriage.
> 
> At the second session, we'd had a good week, so we talked to the councilor, but didn't really get anywhere.
> 
> The following week, my wife went on vacation to see her cousin all the way across the country. We could not afford for all of us to go, so she went by herself. While there, she got a call with an offer for a training that would occur one week after she returned home. She accepted the offer without talking to me about it.
> 
> While she was gone, her car's A/C went out, so it was in the shop and wouldn't be complete by the time that she returned. When I let her know, her immediate response was "Well, I have a friend in town (where the airport is, 2.5 hours from our home), maybe I can just stay with her until the car is done."
> 
> I was shocked! I told her, no, we miss you, I'll figure something out. I had her parents watch the kids and I went to get her. When she came down the ramp from the airport and saw me she just said "Hey you," and kept walking. I had to stop her and get her to hug me. She had been gone nearly two weeks and couldn't even hug me when she saw me again. While she was gone I'd text her that I missed her or loved her. She only ever said she loved me once and missed us twice the entire time she was gone.
> 
> She was home one week, and then took off again for the training. And was gone for a week for that training. We both work for a school district, so she spent her entire summer break away from us.
> 
> We haven't been back to that councilor, and I really don't want to see her again. My wife never told the councilor about the affair, and just allowed it to appear as all my fault. I did ask my wife to go to a Christian councilor but she said she doesn't want someone telling her how bad a sinner she is and laying down laws she must follow.
> 
> God, I'm feel horrible.




She should feel; horrible!

She is still in the infidelity fog. MC is useless until she can woman up and accept her part of the blame.

She could, I fear, still be cheating.

Get tested for STDs ASAP.


----------



## waiwera

confusedd said:


> My wife would come to me and say that she needed my attention, that she hated the game and wanted me to spend more time with her. I'd tell her that I'd be done soon, but I'd still finish up before getting offline. A couple of times, she came into my office (at home) in her bathrobe, opened it up to show that she was wearing nothing underneath, and asked me to come to bed with her. Again, I'd say, OK, just a few more minutes.
> 
> I could still see that she was unhappy, but she would no longer come in and ask me to come to bed with her. She wouldn't bring up the game. She started to become pretty cold.
> 
> .


I only got to this part of the OP... i didn't need to read anymore because i already knew the ending would be be bad/sad. 

This is when you lost your wife and marriage... it took you a few years to ruin them but this is when the death happened. When you chose the game over your wife...night after night. How humiliating for her to come and beg for your attention and show you her naked body and offer it to you... and you rejected her... arrhh! No wonder she switched off.

What she has done since then is terrible (and unforgivable IMO).... but then what did she have to lose? 

You only decided you wanted to be a involved H once you realised you were losing her.... too little too late.

I'm really sad for you.


----------



## costa200

Confused... My man... This isn't about you crying or having to "man up"! Even if you need a dose of caveman pills. This about your dignity as a person. *This woman scolded you preemptively over you making her feel bad about cheating on you*!

For her to feel at ease to do this she already knew you would not explode on her face, you would not make her dance to your tune, in fact, she was pretty sure you would do nothing. And she was, unfortunately, right!

She has got your number right to the inch... You need to improve yourself, not for her, it may already be too late for that, but for yourself. 

You need to read up on what makes a woman keep interest on a man and what makes a married man have the marriage he wants, instead of the marriage he begs from his wife. 

If you put the effort into this you may not end up with this woman (don't see a great loss there) but you will very likely end up a lot better than where you are now.


----------



## kindi

No offense but you sound like a really weak, clingy emotional guy. The way you ask her for kisses, and beg her for sex and she doesn't even try to act like she wants to be with you.

Now that things are escalating, you're going to pieces, you're a sobbing mess. She isn't remorseful, in fact she's looking at you and probably shaking her head and wondering what happened to that strong, protective guy she thought she was marrying?

If you don't do anything else, learn to fake it til you make it. Cut the crying in front of her, don't beg her or even ask her for sex, I mean jeez, what sort of tough, protective man texts his wife from the bedroom to say "honey please come in here and hold me, I'm crying and I need your arms around me"?

Don't get me wrong, there are times that we need comforting from our significant others, say if a loved one dies or we've got a huge life crisis but not as a result of their own actions of betrayal! 

Especially given the circumstances where she's got one foot out the door and both feet in some other guy's bed. She doesn't want to comfort you , she doesn't want to have sex with you, she's not attracted to you anymore and the weakness is only making it worse.

The only way to effectuate real change is for you to start manning up, and that's going to take time. Months or probably years, if ever. So until it happens, FAKE IT.


----------



## Gabriel

confusedd said:


> Should I have her read any of this?


NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

That would be just another huge mistake.

What you haven't grasped yet is that she has all the power here, is loving it, and has ZERO...no, forget that, NEGATIVE respect for you.

It's time to turn the tables. You have to act like you're the one who knows something she doesn't. Go to the gym, and yes, do the 180. 

You were a putz for the gaming stuff you did, but her cheating is worse. Do the 180 and be that guy who doesn't give a f*ck. When the time is right, tell her family, and yours.

Quit crying, quit asking her 1000 questions. She walks right by you at the airport? How much more dissed do you need to feel? Stop bowing down to her and take matters into your own hands.


----------



## confusedd

lovelygirl said:


> You come off as too needy.
> You need to learn to live without her.


I am hurting quite a bit. At this moment, I do feel needy. I do not cry on a regular basis. I do admit, though, that throughout all this time where I'm the one that has felt abandoned, I've probably come across to her as needy and weak as well. That is something that I will work on changing immediately.



waiwera said:


> I only got to this part of the OP... i didn't need to read anymore because i already knew the ending would be be bad/sad.
> 
> This is when you lost your wife and marriage... it took you a few years to ruin them but this is when the death happened. When you chose the game over your wife...night after night. How humiliating for her to come and beg for your attention and show you her naked body and offer it to you... and you rejected her... arrhh! No wonder she switched off.
> 
> What she has done since then is terrible (and unforgivable IMO).... but then what did she have to lose?
> 
> You only decided you wanted to be a involved H once you realised you were losing her.... too little too late.
> 
> I'm really sad for you.


I realize that this is when I lost my wife. And like I said, I feel horrible about it. I also see that I abandoned her then, so she cheated on me. She abandoned me now, and I have never considered doing such a horrible thing. I feel terrible for what I did, but I did not cause her to cheat, and I will never take the blame for that.



kindi said:


> No offense but you sound like a really weak, clingy emotional guy. The way you ask her for kisses, and beg her for sex and she doesn't even try to act like she wants to be with you.
> 
> Now that things are escalating, you're going to pieces, you're a sobbing mess. She isn't remorseful, in fact she's looking at you and probably shaking her head and wondering what happened to that strong, protective guy she thought she was marrying?


Like I said above, weak, needy and clingy right now. Probably for a little while now while I've felt abandoned. Regardless, calling me these things isn't very helpful at this time. I'm a nice person. I'm not going to change who I am no matter who hurts me. If my wife doesn't appreciate that I'm nice enough not to attack her at the point, then she will have to live with the next guy who does not give her the same amount of respect. If this relationship ends, I'm sure the next lady will appreciate that I treat her well.


----------



## Gabriel

confusedd said:


> Like I said above, weak, needy and clingy right now. Probably for a little while now while I've felt abandoned. Regardless, calling me these things isn't very helpful at this time. I'm a nice person. I'm not going to change who I am no matter who hurts me. If my wife doesn't appreciate that I'm nice enough not to attack her at the point, then she will have to live with the next guy who does not give her the same amount of respect. If this relationship ends, I'm sure the next lady will appreciate that I treat her well.


It is natural for you to feel this way, but you need to fight it like hell. You have to be as strong as possible. Our only interest here, is to help you fight for your marriage, which it seems you want. So, as hard as this all is to hear, these are necessary changes you have to make if you want any chance.

Trust us, we know from experience. Most of us were needy and clingy just like you, and we've seen what works and what doesn't, first hand.

You may ignore this advice at your own risk.


----------



## costa200

> I realize that this is when I lost my wife. And like I said, I feel horrible about it. I also see that I abandoned her then, so she cheated on me.


Pile of horsesh*t... My partner likes to spend hours shopping and thus she is less time with me that she possibly could. Now, if i was so affected by this that it really annoyed me would that give me card blanc to cheat on her? No it wouldn't. If your partner doesn't pay enough attention you turn his computer off and make a scene or whatever the hell it takes to make it work. If it doesn't you file for a D and that's it. You don't go around screwing other people. 

The problem doesn't reside on you playing the game per se. The problem is what you failed to do in other areas. Your "wife" stopped seeing you as a desirable mate.


----------



## mary35

waiwera said:


> I only got to this part of the OP... i didn't need to read anymore because i already knew the ending would be be bad/sad.
> 
> This is when you lost your wife and marriage... it took you a few years to ruin them but this is when the death happened. When you chose the game over your wife...night after night. How humiliating for her to come and beg for your attention and show you her naked body and offer it to you... and you rejected her... arrhh! No wonder she switched off.
> 
> What she has done since then is terrible (and unforgivable IMO).... but then what did she have to lose?
> 
> You only decided you wanted to be a involved H once you realised you were losing her.... too little too late.
> 
> I'm really sad for you.



:iagree:

Confused, I think your wife has already checked out of your marriage. I think she told you about the affair to punish you. She seems to be in the drivers seat, not you - and is directing how things will be. She sounds very resentful towards you and not at all sorry for what she did and it does not seem to bother her that the marriage could be over - probably because it has been over for her a long time. 

I suggest you start working on yourself and do what you need to do to be able to move forward - without her. Then - if per chance thinkgs work out with your wife, you will be a stronger, better man - and a better husband.

Good Luck!


----------



## Ikaika

confusedd said:


> Like I said above, weak, needy and clingy right now. Probably for a little while now while I've felt abandoned. Regardless, calling me these things isn't very helpful at this time. I'm a nice person. I'm not going to change who I am no matter who hurts me. If my wife doesn't appreciate that I'm nice enough not to attack her at the point, then she will have to live with the next guy who does not give her the same amount of respect. If this relationship ends, I'm sure the next lady will appreciate that I treat her well.


So I think you are confusing the issues: you can still be a "nice person" without being a doormat. What you are describing may not necessitate being called names. However, the descriptions you give does not describe a health situation. My advice of contacting a lawyer is still valid and I think you need to contact one immediately. It does NOT make you "bad person", i.e., no longer a "nice person", it does however provide you with a clear perspective. I would like to also amend my advice to suggest you seek some professional counseling for yourself. Even if this marriage does not last (which is sounds like it will not), you may need some counseling before you can move onto the next relationship. I see some issues that you need to work out... remember to find a healthy mate you need to be a healthy mate.


----------



## kindi

confusedd said:


> I'm a nice person. I'm not going to change who I am no matter who hurts me. If my wife doesn't appreciate that I'm nice enough not to attack her at the point, then she will have to live with the next guy who does not give her the same amount of respect. If this relationship ends, I'm sure the next lady will appreciate that I treat her well.


I rechecked every post on this thread and I don't see one that says attack your wife and I don't see one that says not to treat her well.

You need to figure out your priorities and your goals.

If you can find a way to toughen up, and once again attract her because you're that strong, protective guy that women instinctively gravitate to because it's in their genes due to millions of years of evolution, then you just might get to keep her and save what's left of your marriage.

If you continue to be weak, clingy, sobbing and emotional you will lose your wife for good, however, you can always tell yourself that you "didn't change who you were" and the next woman will be even luckier than your wife was. 

I hope it's enough of a consolation for you.

*Edited to add*

I read this next quoted post AFTER I posted.



Gabriel said:


> It is natural for you to feel this way, but you need to fight it like hell. You have to be as strong as possible. Our only interest here, is to help you fight for your marriage, which it seems you want. So, as hard as this all is to hear, these are necessary changes you have to make if you want any chance.
> 
> Trust us, we know from experience. Most of us were needy and clingy just like you, and we've seen what works and what doesn't, first hand.
> 
> You may ignore this advice at your own risk.



It says the same thing I did, only in a slightly different, perhaps better way.


----------



## the guy

I'm glad your not taking any of the blame for her cheating. 

If it was me and I opend up my rope and said come get me and you didn't I would head over to the divorce lawyer and filed.

But Noooooooo she goes off and desides to decieve you by replacing you with out telling you first. Even if she didn't go off to a lawyer she had the choice to tell you that she was going to look else were if you didin't step up.

Sure you are stepping up now, but if her marriage is not worth it to her any more then at least stop letting her cake eat and send her on her way so the both of you can move on.

It sucks that she has justified her affair by your old behaviors. It sucks 2 wrongs don't make it right.

In the end when she sees you letting her go and realizes you will no longer be around she may come around and stop justiying that choice she made and see's it was wrong no matter what you did in the past.

Time will tell and your additude towards her will dictate how long that takes.


----------



## crossbar

confusedd said:


> I'm sorry, I've tried to search... what is the 180?


The 180 is things you can do to show your wife that you are capable of moving on without her. It also shows that you're actually a fun guy to be around AND if she is dead set on ending the relationship, it helps you with moving on because you're already removing yourself from the relationship.

So here's the list: 

Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. 

No frequent phone calls. 

Don't point out "good points" in marriage.

Don't follow her/him around the house.

Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS. 

Don't ask for reassurances.

Don't buy or give gifts. 

Don't schedule dates together. 

Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable. 
Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life! 

Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent. 

Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy! 

When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to! 

If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested. 

Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them! 

Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing. 

No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value. 

All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation! 

Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF! 

Don't be overly enthusiastic. 

Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all! 
Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more! 

Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything. 

Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil. 

Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly. 

Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write. 

Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care! 

Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior. 

Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!" 

Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message. 

When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble.

Try it.


----------



## mary35

confusedd said:


> I realize that this is when I lost my wife. And like I said, I feel horrible about it. I also see that I abandoned her then, so she cheated on me. She abandoned me now, and I have never considered doing such a horrible thing. I feel terrible for what I did, but I did not cause her to cheat, and I will never take the blame for that.
> 
> 
> 
> Like I said above, weak, needy and clingy right now. Probably for a little while now while I've felt abandoned. Regardless, calling me these things isn't very helpful at this time. I'm a nice person. I'm not going to change who I am no matter who hurts me. If my wife doesn't appreciate that I'm nice enough not to attack her at the point, then she will have to live with the next guy who does not give her the same amount of respect. If this relationship ends, I'm sure the next lady will appreciate that I treat her well.



You are right - you are NOT responsible for her cheating. The problem is not that people on TAM think you are - but your wife thinks you are! She is NOT taking responsibility for it and is not sorry she hurt you. 

You don't have to change who you are - but do be aware your wife does NOT appreciate you at all according to her behavior. So go ahead and continue what you are doing - but understand, it isn't working!


----------



## crossbar

confusedd said:


> Should I have her read any of this?


NO! NO! NO! I strongly recommend that you DO NOT right now!

This is your safe place. This is your place to come and get advice, or to vent your frustrations or to tell people about your situation and have people that can understand problem and sympathize with you.

Plus, people are giving you advice on how to ensure that her affair is actually over. Showing her this site will only show her how to hide the "red flags" better if there is something still going on.


----------



## Racer

The gaming... been there, done that..


confusedd said:


> I realize that this is when I lost my wife. And like I said, I feel horrible about it. I also see that I abandoned her then, so she cheated on me. She abandoned me now, and I have never considered doing such a horrible thing. I feel terrible for what I did, but I did not cause her to cheat, and I will never take the blame for that..


Umm... no. You were there. She had lots and lots of options on how to deal with you. Did she deal with the problem? Nope... She found new 'friends' instead. How did that solve her problem?

My wife pulled that one on me too. Abandoned, WoW widow, etc. Seriously, screw that. That is an excuse. Did she rip the cord out of the wall, threaten to divorce then file, or really make any significant effort? I'm even guessing you'll remember that she somewhat reluctantly admitted that playing every now and again and doing your own thing isn't bad. Bet she even gave you permission. Did she discuss with you at all about these male friendships? Did she once give you an opportunity to have a say in it like you did with the gaming? NOPE. 

The gaming is her excuse and justification. She'll need to dig a lot deeper for 'why' it is ok for her to make that choice. And, I hate to break it to you, but for my wife, once she got past spreading her legs the first time, it got easier for her... And she'd pretty much "needed" me to play, giving me permission, so her excuses and justifications could continue and she could pursue other men. Cake eating at its finest... Bet you've been demonized over and over so you are the marriage boogeyman; This is what she wants you to believe and has done a fine job planting that in your head. Start working on yourself and really looking at the history.


----------



## Dan Carruthers

* It is very possible that the woman has multiple partners with many ONSs too.

Her obsession to Exercise n his body building is indicating her Carnal Inflations .her waywardness might have given her experiences with hard bodied guys and she has an over driven libido..

her leg twining while he was asleep shows , she has deep carnal flares and her sexual needs are different from what the hubby thinks or what he can do with his love.

this kind of women need hard treatments while in coitus.*


---I think she should read this and have a rethought on her "expeditions"...


----------



## kindi

Dan Carruthers said:


> * this kind of women need hard treatments while in coitus.*


Every woman needs a hard treatment during coitus.

Otherwise, it's rather pointless.


----------



## the guy

If this marriage was over for such a long time, don't you think OP should have been told sooner then later?

No of course not, it easier to have your cake and eat it to....


----------



## the guy

whats coitus?


----------



## Dan Carruthers

kindi said:


> Every woman needs a hard treatment during coitus.
> 
> Otherwise, it's rather pointless.



--degrees vary...there are women who like to be in S & M and have coitus like being raped etc . not all women like that


----------



## the guy

until WW shows real remorse and own her sh!t ....changes her life style and come homes and commits, then she should never see this site!


----------



## kindi

Dan Carruthers said:


> --degrees vary...... not all women like that


Dan,

I challenge you to find even one woman that doesn't think that the harder it is, the better it is.


----------



## the guy

besides thread jacking here can some one tell me what coitus means?


----------



## costa200

the guy said:


> besides thread jacking here can some one tell me what coitus means?


Penetration... I would draw you a picture but my artistic skills are lacking.


----------



## crossbar

the guy said:


> besides thread jacking here can some one tell me what coitus means?


 Sex, intercourse, matress mambo, bumping uglys, doing the slipadeedipadee, getting freaky, hookin up.....


----------



## Dan Carruthers

kindi said:


> Dan,
> 
> I challenge you to find even one woman that doesn't think that the harder it is, the better it is.


---hmm 

"hard treatments" ...is what I used...it means the S & M strategies than what you are interpreting.

all coitus should be hard in its sense as it should be...women do like to be powerfully overhauled..n ruffled along with gentleness...I will call it Power with Love (or Eros)..not " hard treatments..".



---(No Hijacking of thread..)


----------



## confusedd

Thanks for all the advice so far guys. She won't be seeing the site, at least not from me.

I agree. She needs to own her mistake. I was abandoned too, and I never cheated or even considered it. She could have pulled the plug. She could have yelled, screamed, threatened divorce. She didn't. She cheated.

I've stopped gaming. But she still doesn't respect or show love to me. I fear that this means she is still having an affair or has had several. I've had a vasectomy so there is no worry about ME getting her pregnant.

Today has been an enlightening day. I still pray that all of you are wrong and I can some day come back and report that she told the whole truth, that she has committed to me and that we are back on the right track. I realize that is very unrealistic at this point, though.

Has anyone here ever had their marriage restored after something like this?


----------



## the guy

Guys I know no other way to penitrate my fWW (hard and fast) and dominance has gotten me into some trouble in the past. Some times a little soft love once in a while can come into play trust me.

As far as OP is concerned the "why" can be worked out later, for know no matter what makes his WW tick is irrelivant, until the OM is no longer in the picture the marriage hasn't a chance in hell.

Until OP start looking more attractive by being confident and calm but firm, and starts commanding respect for him self...then sex may be the furthest thing from WW mind when it comes to OP.

Make no mistake crying and begging are not attractive no matter how you penatrate your wife.


----------



## the guy

Yes, 
At this point she is in the fog, she needs to see more of a behavioral change..nit just the gaming but the fact that you will not share her and you will not tolorate a sexless marriage.

See your doing the right thing here cuz you could go off and find someone else to get the affection. Unlike her you are not going to decieve her.

Stay calm but firm...confident that you can let her go,


----------



## MattMatt

crossbar said:


> Sex, intercourse, matress mambo, bumping uglys, doing the slipadeedipadee, getting freaky, hookin up.....


Or my favourite is: "At it like a rat up a pump."


----------



## the guy

I used to push my chick around and for years she slept around. we both took the step to own our sh!tty behavior and desided to stick around and see were it went.
See, she is meeting my needs and I'm meeting her so it is working out, but it take two and your chick is not stepping up to the plate and that has to happen for it to work.

Until she lets go of the resentment for your gaming she's lost. When she stops throwing that gaming thing in your face then you might have a chance, but until then stay confident that you can let her go.


----------



## MattMatt

confusedd said:


> Thanks for all the advice so far guys. She won't be seeing the site, at least not from me.
> 
> I agree. She needs to own her mistake. I was abandoned too, and I never cheated or even considered it. She could have pulled the plug. She could have yelled, screamed, threatened divorce. She didn't. She cheated.
> 
> I've stopped gaming. But she still doesn't respect or show love to me. I fear that this means she is still having an affair or has had several. I've had a vasectomy so there is no worry about ME getting her pregnant.
> 
> Today has been an enlightening day. I still pray that all of you are wrong and I can some day come back and report that she told the whole truth, that she has committed to me and that we are back on the right track. I realize that is very unrealistic at this point, though.
> 
> Has anyone here ever had their marriage restored after something like this?


There have been cases right here. But BOTH partners had to be committed to it for it to work.


----------



## the guy

Remember your gaming is not the issue today, that was yesterday, the issue today is the resentment she has for your gaming and how she handled it and how she is handling it now by distancing herself from the marriage.....somethinh you will stop tolorating today.


----------



## Racer

confusedd said:


> Has anyone here ever had their marriage restored after something like this?


Restored.. no, not here. Might as well start your grieving process. It won't ever be the same again. However, a new one started with my WW, yes. It required a different dynamic in the relationship and a lot of work by both of us.


----------



## the guy

Something tells me you should cool it and wait to reconfront her. I would look into her current behavior.

get the VAR and plant it in the car. Personaly I don't think you can handle what you might find, but it will validate the steps you need to take next.

See she admitted toa past affair but her current behavior has me conserned. I have a feeling she is doing damage control versus punishing you. Something tells me she is some how project her current affair with dis information some how.


----------



## Shaggy

If I understand the timeline here, she laid this on you, was around for a couple days and since then she's been travellong on her own?


----------



## the guy

@ racer, I think the is something that is having a big influence in the marriage and the dynamic is being effected by her continued resentment, which in turn may leads to a currant affair.

I think confront now about her current behavior might be less effective if OP could find proof of a currant affair, and then have some real truth and confirmation in how he proceed.


----------



## the guy

Yes, even with a fragile marriage she continues to screw around.

Her behavior occording to OP totaly shows the red flags of a current affair.


----------



## confusedd

Shaggy said:


> If I understand the timeline here, she laid this on you, was around for a couple days and since then she's been travellong on her own?


No, she just told me everything this past Saturday night. Yesterday was the day I spent grieving. Today I've spent all day on here reading everyone's advice. So, this is a pretty fresh pain for me.

She should be home soon. Wish me luck


----------



## the guy

Hers a scenerio worth entertaining;
If WW wasn't going to be outed about her affair she may not have admitted to it but..................

WW is starting a new affair, tells OP about the last affair 2 yrs ago to see his reaction, gets the picture that he ain't going any were and desides to jump into her next affair.

Again something tells me that OP needs to go all lovey dovey and pretent nothings wrong and then go all James Bond on her and get a smoking gun.

This tactic takes alot of strength he may not have it in him, If WW just started a new A she will for sure hit the door running, when he asks her to leave. there is no way OP could compete with a new OM unless he has the ammo to expose it and confront with solid eveidence.


----------



## Ikaika

confusedd said:


> No, she just told me everything this past Saturday night. Yesterday was the day I spent grieving. Today I've spent all day on here reading everyone's advice. So, this is a pretty fresh pain for me.
> 
> She should be home soon. Wish me luck


Actually, she should be living with friends tonight. You need time and space and you should let her know that when she walks through the door. She needs time and space as well.


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## the guy

the guy said:


> Heres a scenerio worth entertaining;
> If WW wasn't going to be outed about her affair she may not have admitted to it but..................
> 
> WW is starting a new affair, tells OP about the last affair 2 yrs ago/and it over... to see his reaction, gets the picture that he ain't going any were and desides to jump into her next affair.
> 
> Again something tells me that OP needs to go all lovey dovey and pretent nothings wrong and then go all James Bond on her and get a smoking gun.
> 
> This tactic takes alot of strength he may not have it in him, If WW just started a new A she will for sure hit the door running, when he asks her to leave. There is no way OP could compete with a new OM unless he has the ammo to expose it and confront with solid eveidence.


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## the guy

I think I just figured out how to paste a quote


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## PostRedPill

Confusedd,

You have received lots of advice here. You have to sift through it and make sense of it for yourself.

But you need to remember one thing. Whatever you did, you did not MAKE her cheat. She could have ended the marriage when you were lost in the gaming. You contributed to troubles in the marriage, yes, but you did not hold a gun to the head of the kids and say, "Go and have sex with another man or I will kill the kids."

She is going to throw a million things at you in order to try to get you to accept some of the blame for HER DECISION to cheat. Yes, you can accept some of the blame for problems in the marriage, but not her choice.


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## Racer

And another senario; Close to home here. She’s so deep in her fog that she truly believes “It shouldn’t matter. He got what he deserved and I’m tired of feeling guilty about it. He’s making me feel guilty, so if I tell him, he’ll stop making me feel this way. He should have known I would have affairs and has no reason to be mad about it. This wouldn’t have happened if he hadn’t abandoned me.” And, she confesses and he freaks out (her head scenario is he would have begged, promised change, and everything would ‘be better’). But it didn’t go down like that; She saw how much she crushed him and the guilt stayed. So, now she’s regretting telling him. “He’s making me feel guilty again. Its all about him isn’t it? (enter anger) I just need some space so he can’t do that to me anymore. (re-enter entitlement)”


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## achyheart40

I feel so bad for you! I am new to this sight and yours is one of the first I looked at. It kills me because you are going through so much of the same things minus a few. My husband has taken a interest in everything but me. It hurts because he acts like he does not care even if im bawling my eyes out! Everyone keeps telling me how beautiful I am and I could have anyone I wanted, but all I wanted was his love. I do everything for him, he doesnt have to lift a finger, but know matter what I do its not enough. If anything happens its always my fault and never his, so I just agree and ask what I can do to be better! I have lost all self esteem and my family notices this and wants me to leave so I get back to the old self confident Missy. I havnt caught him cheating Ive just heard the rumors and just that makes you feel like you just want to die. I feel so bad for you also and can feel your pain. Im going to pray for you every night! My advice to you is do not allow the cheating! If she has done this twice it is not going to stop. If she is willing to go to counseling that is great. If she wont I can tell you this now there are a lot of woman out there looking for a man that has the values of just wanting to be at home with there family. Most woman would rather have there loved one on the computer playing games then wondering where they are every night. I hope the best for you I really do! ray:


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## the guy

geez, even the newbie see she's still cheating!!!!!


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## Racer

Racer said:


> ... clip... So, now she’s regretting telling him. “He’s making me feel guilty again. Its all about him isn’t it? (enter anger) I just need some space so he can’t do that to me anymore. (re-enter entitlement)”


And I don't want to freak you out confusedd... Yes, you could have done exactly what she wanted and rugswept it. And she'd seem happier. Until she finds your next fault, and the next, and the next, and..... That's the thing with entitled princess type wayward wives. As long as they have something to blame (instead of themselves), they can justify their behavior. And since you are assumed to be human; You are flawed by nature. You can't do the right thing all the time. Until she works on herself, and can own her own choices and decisions without blame, she may continue to cheat.


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## OldWolf57

confused, first, this woman is having an affair. this is not had, this is HAVING. 
You have been given some good stuff and some pure bullsh*t. 
So 1st, pay no attention to ANYONE here who say playing online 4 hrs caused this. THEY are full of it. from your 1st post you said, home by 4, spend time with family till 6, then play till 10. Now remember, this was 4 days a week. NOT every day. Did she approach you those 3 off days to spend time with her ??
Now, I'm going to repeat this again " she is having an affair ". Did you see the paperwork for the training trip from the district. Find it, or go to the office an ask for it. 
Oh, and you came here to seek advice. you can pick and choose the tools to work, BUT we here know that EXPOSURE is the most effective. It's not about hurting her. Which at this point you will have to do if this marriage is to survive.
But I don't see it happening. She has said, " WHEN ya'll get your finances in order ". CHEATERS TALK,,,, When My Other Man an I can make sure I have somewhere to entertain him. She has a partial plan in place dude. So get your head out of your ass.

6ft. 205, hell I am 5'9"ft. 200lbs. and no one will call me fat. If I get down to 180 I look sick.So your weight is just another thing she used to keep herself for her OM.

I'm a hard hitter, so I'll ask. How can you STILL want to be with this piece of, well never mind. You get it.
Of course I already know. Your post SCREAMS it. You are more emotional than your cheating wife. And to get to the truth, you will have to change that.
What you need now, is to be a MATURE man and father. BC it's a good bet your whole world is about to CRASH.

Iphone backup extractor for deleted txts, VAR, Keyloggers

Oh, forget that " YOU don't think " stuff. Youv'e turned a blind eye long enough, but what I can't understand is how you could let her do this for so long. You can't tell me you REALLY took the blame for her treatment
Well its time to GROW the hell up an put emotions aside so you can see whats really happening to your marriage. And I guarentee its nothing to do with you. Of coyrse she will blame shift, and you will probably take the blame just to keep her from leaving. BUT DON'T.
Your wife has been screwing other guys and is NOW in an affair, and its all on her
BUT do not leave our house. She goes and expose the sh*t out of it. Since you work for the district start by finding out if there really was a training trip. I'm sure you network with other depts

I ecommend just cutting your loses. Any more info you find will destroy you from the way you write.


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## Ikaika

confusedd

I really hope the best for you... I am not sure you are hearing what everyone is telling you. Take a deep breath, and do what is right for you and your children. Only you can make that judgement, just be sure to guard your health and assets as quickly as you can.


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## Count of Monte Cristo

confusedd said:


> Should I have her read any of this?




Hell no! Don't even let her know about this site. Do the NY Giants give the Dallas Cowboys their playbook? Of course not. If you tell her about this site this is exactly what you'll be doing.


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## Count of Monte Cristo

confusedd said:


> *I'm a nice person. *I'm not going to change who I am no matter who hurts me. If my wife doesn't appreciate that I'm nice enough not to attack her at the point, then she will have to live with the next guy who does not give her the same amount of respect. If this relationship ends, I'm sure the next lady will appreciate that I treat her well.


OP, if you don't learn from your mistakes you're doomed to repeat them in the future. You need to read 'No More Mr. Nice Guy' and 'The Married Man's Sex Life' to learn why being 'nice' doesn't cut it with women. As our marriage approached its denouement, my ex told me that I was 'too nice.' Trust me, that wasn't a compliment. Unless you use this as an opportunity to improve yourself, you will be back here in the future wondering why your current (or your new) wife is cheating on you and doesn't respect you.


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## Dan Carruthers

Better cast her out.


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## Entropy3000

confusedd said:


> Thanks for all the advice so far guys. She won't be seeing the site, at least not from me.
> 
> I agree. She needs to own her mistake. I was abandoned too, and I never cheated or even considered it. She could have pulled the plug. She could have yelled, screamed, threatened divorce. She didn't. She cheated.
> 
> I've stopped gaming. But she still doesn't respect or show love to me. I fear that this means she is still having an affair or has had several. I've had a vasectomy so there is no worry about ME getting her pregnant.
> 
> Today has been an enlightening day. I still pray that all of you are wrong and I can some day come back and report that she told the whole truth, that she has committed to me and that we are back on the right track. I realize that is very unrealistic at this point, though.
> 
> Has anyone here ever had their marriage restored after something like this?


She did not make a mistake. She chose to do this. She chooses to be away from you and you have enabled this by being weak.

What are you doing to discover what she is doing over the summer while she is away. I find this absolutely UFB. 

It would be a miracle if she was not having a huge affair or at least a string of ONSs.

P90X is not the only option for a man working out. Get to the gym. Start lifting weights. It is good for you physically and mentally. It will help your self image. It will increase your testosterone. You need this.

You have to respect yourself before anyone else will.


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## MattMatt

Whilst doing some research I found a thread on a cheater's site that indicated to me that even the cheaters would be scandalised by your wife's behaviour! Seriously.

Someone asked if a spouse deserved to be cheated on. Without exception the answer was "no!" "of course not!"

It is clear that your wife believes you deserved to be cheated on. Your wife's behaviour and her reaction to your pain is, in my opinion, abnormal.


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## mahike

confusedd said:


> Thanks for all the advice so far guys. She won't be seeing the site, at least not from me.
> 
> I agree. She needs to own her mistake. I was abandoned too, and I never cheated or even considered it. She could have pulled the plug. She could have yelled, screamed, threatened divorce. She didn't. She cheated.
> 
> I've stopped gaming. But she still doesn't respect or show love to me. I fear that this means she is still having an affair or has had several. I've had a vasectomy so there is no worry about ME getting her pregnant.
> 
> Today has been an enlightening day. I still pray that all of you are wrong and I can some day come back and report that she told the whole truth, that she has committed to me and that we are back on the right track. I realize that is very unrealistic at this point, though.
> 
> Has anyone here ever had their marriage restored after something like this?


Yes lots of people R but also some do not. You need to shake your wife out of this fog. The biggest way is to shine light on the A and the POSM she has slept with and had EA's with. Your families need to know as well.

Do not even thing about R until she owns up to everything and is showing real remorse.

Stay strong for yourself and the kids


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## Fvstringpicker

confusedd said:


> But she still doesn't respect or show love to me. I fear that this means she is still having an affair or has had several.


The reality of it, and I've said it in other threads, when they don't show they love and respect you, it means the don't love and respect you. You see, women's actions always take precedence over what they say. If not congruent, believe the actions. The trouble is that men's ego prevent them from facing the facts. Sorry to tell you this buddy but the facts in your case are that you're history.


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## Ansley

Why is she holding all the cards? She cheated. She should be crying and begging for kisses. She should be scared to death and anxious about what you will do with her. She is planning vacations and coming up with one reason after another to not be at home with her husband and her CHILDREN. Im a homebody so the people who cant stay put always blow my mind. 

I dont know why she told you about the affair (assuming it is one..I doubt that) I dont know if it was to relieve her guilt because something ended badly (maybe she was working on an exit affair) or to show you who is boss. 

You've had enough. Time to tell her. You are a nice person we all see that. Nice people have self respect though. Tell her crazy time is over. Eating alone, distance, trips, staying away from home (because of the AC on the car...really?) tell her you are prepared to divorce and will. 

People say life is short but it is a long long time when you are miserable and being treated like crap. You are being treated like crap.


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## ArmyofJuan

Oh boy.
I hope this isn’t another “JB” thread.
This is going to be harsh but I don’t like to beat around the bush.

Dude, you are so beta you are almost a girl. Between that and the co-dependency it’s a surprise she can stay in the same room with you without feeling smothered.

She has no sympathy for you. The weaker you appear to her (crying, making her feeling guilty by talking/showing her your pain) to more it will just drive her away. Everything you have been doing for her and the clinginess has been a huge turnoff for her. Basically the nicer you are to her, the more pathetic you look to her.

You can change this but you ain’t going to like it.

First, you ain’t a “nice” guy; you are a needy, insecure guy. You can be “nice” and still be confident and have self-respect. Your first priority is to get your head together and get your self-respect back. You did not deserve to be treated like this so DON’T TAKE IT.

Second, stop kissing her a$$ and showing affection. You need to focus inward and start emotionally detaching from her. You are too tied to her for your own happiness and that’s bad. Before you can even consider an R you need to get control of your life first. The more you try to save the M, the more you will fail because she is going to resist everything you do. Stop trying and see what she does.

That being said you need to prepare for a D. Odds are it’s too late for a 180 to get her back (but you can at least get her respect back) and considering how she has treated you, why would you want her anyway? What are you getting out of this marriage? Your needs will never be met by her so find someone else that will.

Tl:dr Man up


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