# Lost, Lonely and Confused



## Surprised (Nov 18, 2009)

My wife and I have been married for 12 years, have no children, have great careers (no money problems), and have always enjoyed every minute we could spend together. Just before our 12th anniversary, my wife dropped the ILYB speech on me (she had never talked about any problems before). I listened very closely to what she was telling me and tried to make improvements where I could - helping around the house, spending less time in my office, and becoming an even better listener. Basically, trying to improve the time we spend together.

In the following month, she made a trip to visit her sister. While on this trip, she also was planning on visiting a plant that her employer owns to get a tour and spend some time with people she had met a previous work events (it actually turned out to be one person). Apparently she had been in an emotional affair, which turned physical during this visit. I believe her when she says that it was only a kiss. While I am hurt from this, I am more disappointed that she would put another person's marriage (with kids) at risk. She has discontinued any contact with the OM.

In the subsequent months, I have tried to be a supportive husband - allowing her space to "find herself" and figure out what she needs. We attended counseling together for a short period, and then she decided it would be best for her to go alone. Over this time we have had some really good weeks and some really bad weeks (we're currently in a bad one). Unfortunately, I feel like I am the only one working to make changes. She has a very hard time communicating her feelings, and says she is worried about hurting me. We do not have sex because she doesn't feel connected, which in turn makes me pull away. How do you get out of this cycle and reignite the spark?

I love her dearly and do not want our relationship to end this way. Is there anything more I should be doing? How long should I hold out hope that we can reconnect (it seems longer, but it has only been 5 months)? We have brought up the D word, but I don't think either of us are there yet.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Ask her to write down her feelings but to be honest and that you require her honesty more now than ever before.

Ask her to get back into therapy with you to deal with what she fears she cannot be honest with you about.

Then, ask her to have sex with you anyway because feelings sometimes follow sex for women because of the chemical release of oxytocin.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I'm all for patience, understanding, and compassion in trying to mend what has become broken.

But you know what? There comes a point where those things simply perpetuate what is already broken. Sometimes the only way to create the catalyst for change that is needed, is to throw a grenade in the room.


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