# So much resentment toward MIL & it's affecting my marriage



## TennesseeGirl (Jan 17, 2014)

I am writing because I have a lot of resentment toward my MIL and I am really trying to work through it. I haven't discussed this with her (though I have in the past), because I am honestly trying to figure out my feelings first. It's easier for me to write down my feelings than it is to have a sit-down discussion, and so maybe this board can help me figure things out. 

I have a lot of resentment toward my MIL and it makes me not want to spend time around her. My husband and I live 15 minutes away from his parents, and I visit with them whenever my husband suggests it, which is usually about once a week. I am very polite when I'm over there but on the inside, I feel a lot of resentment. I do not think she is a bad person, but I think she is very overbearing. When my husband and I were engaged, he was in the hospital and his mom bossed me around the whole time, telling me to stay in the background because I do irritating things and my husband won't get better. Honestly, the week that my then-fiancé was in the hospital was terrible. I had never felt so alone in my life, and I had never been so pushed around and treated so poorly. My MIL got in my face at one point because I had been talking to her daughter-in-law, who she doesn't like...she screamed at me in the car and told me to STAY THE **** AWAY FROM (her daughter-in-law)." I think she knew that I was complaining to her daughter-in-law about the way I was being treated, because she knew I would find an ally in her. 

After that happened, I totally shut down. I was nice on the outside but on the inside, I felt so much anger. Our relationship before the hospital incident was okay...I have always felt that she is very overbearing and tries to tell her sons what to do, but I have always kept my mouth closed. After the hospital, as much as I tried to be nice, it was obvious that I was uncomfortable. We did have a talk about it, but things since then have happened which make me not even want to be around her. For example, my dad has cancer and my parents have been paying a lot of medical bills. During the planning of the wedding, the costs for everything were going up (my MIL was helping plan the wedding) and my mom became upset about it. I tried to explain to my MIL that my parents are having trouble financially because they are paying for my dad's bills and she told me it seems like "it's all about the money" to my parents, whereas to her and her husband, it's about the celebration of a beautiful event. I felt that there was no compassion for what my parents are going through in regards to my dad's health, and they were looked upon as cheapskates who would not pay hundreds of dollars for certain things that were really unnecessary. 

I have really just wanted to stay away from her, even though she has done nice things for me and my husband. I feel badly for feeling this way, but I really have tried everything to reverse these feelings. I feel that the more I allow her into my life, the more she will try to influence what me and my husband do (especially when we eventually have children). She has made numerous comments about their family being like a clan and the mafia, and while that works for some people, I need my own identity. I like to have more space than that. It has gotten to the point where I have made rude comments even when trying not to. For example, my husband lived at home until he got married. When we went to their house for Christmas, my MIL asked my husband if it was weird waking up without them on Christmas. I thought that was very rude, as he woke up with his wife on Christmas. How is that weird? When she asked that, I said "It wasn't weird, I really enjoyed it." She also said he is always welcome to come home. These comments get under my skin so much and my husband doesn't understand. 

What should I do? I have been avoiding my MIL, unless my husband wants to go visit. He knows my frustrations, but I have tried not to constantly complain about his mom, as I know that is not something anyone wants to hear. Should I eventually talk with his MIL if she calls me out on not spending more time with them? How do I not feel this way? Please help! Thank you.


----------



## Nynaeve (Jun 19, 2013)

Sit down with your husband and discuss setting boundaries. Set the boundaries and stick to them.

It's important that you and your husband be on the same page on this. He has to have your back. You are his wife and his mom has to take the backseat now.

I know it's hard, but you also have to learn to let some of the little things roll off your back. Comments like the Christmas one you just have to let go. Most likely, she thought it was weird to wake up on Christmas and not have her son there. So she projected a little bit. It wasn't likely intended as a dig at you. Remember that she is adjusting to having her son not be her baby anymore and try to give her a little grace in that regard. That isn't to say that you should let her boss you around. Just try to put yourself in her shoes to understand where it's coming from. It will help you not to take things personally when you realize it's about her, not about you.


----------



## TennesseeGirl (Jan 17, 2014)

Thank you for your response. I know the Christmas thing was a really silly comment and I shouldn't have gotten upset about it. Normally, I wouldn't but it is because of all of the issues I have had with her from the past. She makes comments like that and about how his upcoming birthday will finally mean he is an adult. I don't say anything and just let it go. What do you think the boundaries should be? Thank you again for your reply. I really appreciate it.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Does your H know? Start there. Ask him to talk to her. 

If he refuses (and he likely will, given that he grew up with an overbearing mother), then write her a letter and mail it to her. If she doesn't change after the letter, then you are 'free' to start refusing to attend events with her there.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

OH, and take your H to a MC asap and let the MC tell him that he is in an unhealthy relationship with his mother and he needs to now start supporting you. He won't hear it from you.


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

TennesseeGirl said:


> I have a lot of resentment toward my MIL and it makes me not want to spend time around her. I am very polite when I'm over there but on the inside, I feel a lot of resentment. I do not think she is a bad person, but I think she is very overbearing. When we went to their house for Christmas, my MIL asked my husband if it was weird waking up without them on Christmas. I thought that was very rude, as he woke up with his wife on Christmas. How is that weird? When she asked that, I said "It wasn't weird, I really enjoyed it." She also said he is always welcome to come home. These comments get under my skin so much and my husband doesn't understand.
> 
> What should I do? I have been avoiding my MIL, unless my husband wants to go visit. He knows my frustrations, but I have tried not to constantly complain about his mom, as I know that is not something anyone wants to hear. Should I eventually talk with his MIL if she calls me out on not spending more time with them? How do I not feel this way? Please help! Thank you.


I haven't read other replies yet and I imagine they'll say something different than what I'm about to.

If you can be honest with yourself, you may find that the things you resent are also the things you are _doing._ You say she is overbearing, and then in your account of what happened at Christmas, you showed yourself answering a question that was directed at your husband, not you. It seems to me that you both have a habit of stepping into affairs when you should stand by for a moment instead. 

Naturally, you felt justified in doing so. She was rude, and you felt uncomfortable when she made a statement that implied your husband should feel something was lacking when he awoke at Christmas with you. However, think about it from the other side of the coin. She was probably missing her son, and wanted some reassurance from him that he thinks of her on an important day. I doubt she was really saying that he should leave you! Yet you reacted very strongly. 

She clearly has a "family is more important than individuality" mentality, and family's important to your husband, too, if he asks you to visit with his family regularly. By taking part, you're showing love to him and taking part in something that's important to both your husband and the people who are important to him. You can build on this by saying out loud that you are glad you can spend that time all together as family "because some people don't have such great opportunities." She'd be likely to receive messages like this as approval from you, which is important to her. 

She doesn't strike me as a monster. I get the feeling you two are a lot more alike than you are different, which means some growing pains are inevitable as you discover what you dislike in yourself. Just be sure to celebrate what is likable too - that she's a little vulnerable just like you can be.


----------



## TennesseeGirl (Jan 17, 2014)

Kathy, I understand your response and I appreciate it...but honestly what I am most resentful of is getting screamed at in the hospital, told that anything I did would irritate my fiancé, told who to stay away from, and not having any compassion toward my dad's illness and financial struggle. Before any of this happened, those little comments didn't bother me. Honestly, those two big things that happened have played a much larger part in anything. Also, the question was directed toward both of us, but I can appreciate your response. I really have never been a controlling person at all and I don't have any problem with my husband wanting to spend time with his family. Before any of those incidents, we actually did a lot of things together...even without my husband there. I'm not trying to figure out how to stay away from his family. I am trying to figure out how to let go of the resentment that I have.


----------



## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Wow, you would be a saint if you didn't feel resenment after everything that was done and told to you.

she bossed you around, didn't let you see your fiance, tried to manipulate you regarding her mother in law, and even kind of insulted your parents, I understand your feelings.

however it seems for what I am Reading that her attitude changed after the weding, is notmal to feel resentment towards here, and think that resentment is fogging your view towards here (which is totally normal, when we rentsent someone we look fails or agressions in every action they make).

for example



TennesseeGirl said:


> *When we went to their house for Christmas, my MIL asked my husband if it was weird waking up without them on Christmas.* I thought that was very rude, as he woke up with his wife on Christmas. How is that weird? When she asked that, I said "It wasn't weird, I really enjoyed it." *She also said he is always welcome to come home.* These comments get under my skin so much and my husband doesn't understand.


I don't think this was never mean to hurt you, if he lived with his parents until he married then his mother most likely has empty nest síndrome for him, I don't think she was even thinking in you when she said it. the same applies for the seconf comment, in my country is very common for sons/daughter to live in their parents house until mid 20's and mothers react like that.

Again you feelings and reactions are understable for your past with here, I will advice you to sit and rethink if her actions (now after the wedding) are mean to hurt you or is your resentment taking the best of you.

if her attitude has changed, then confronting here again probably will not make any good (and I mean just if she really has changed), and you will have to work in yourself to let go that resentment, maybe even with IC.


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

TennesseeGirl said:


> After that happened, I totally shut down. I was nice on the outside but on the inside, I felt so much anger.


See that right there is your problem.

People get nice treatment when they deserve it, not by virtue of any relation, blood or otherwise. To continue to silently accept bad treatment is to implicitly condone it.


----------



## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

turnera said:


> OH, and take your H to a MC asap and let the MC tell him that he is in an unhealthy relationship with his mother and he needs to now start supporting you. He won't hear it from you.


I absolutely agree. As distasteful as that advice might be, it is better than having to post about the impending divorce.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

TennesseeGirl said:


> Kathy, I understand your response and I appreciate it...but honestly what I am most resentful of is getting screamed at in the hospital, told that anything I did would irritate my fiancé, told who to stay away from, and not having any compassion toward my dad's illness and financial struggle. Before any of this happened, those little comments didn't bother me. Honestly, those two big things that happened have played a much larger part in anything. Also, the question was directed toward both of us, but I can appreciate your response. I really have never been a controlling person at all and I don't have any problem with my husband wanting to spend time with his family. Before any of those incidents, we actually did a lot of things together...even without my husband there. I'm not trying to figure out how to stay away from his family. I am trying to figure out how to let go of the resentment that I have.


The truth is, people have dysfunction more often than they do not. Finding a well-balanced, loving, helpful MIL is a rarity. So first, you need to accept what you 'married.' Then you need to ask yourself what can YOU do since what you 'married' isn't likely to change.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Another thing to remember is that there is always two sides to a story. It's easy to vilify her, so you look and feel good about yourself. But it may help to remember that SHE, too, is feeling out of sorts from what used to be. Maybe she's afraid her son will now abandon her. Maybe you could show her that you want to have an inclusive family in which everyone is involved; if that fear is resolved, you may discover her warming up to you.


----------



## TennesseeGirl (Jan 17, 2014)

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I think I will do my best to take steps that will stop me from having a grudge about those two incidents and will move forward with kindness as well as boundaries. We actually see my husband's family more than we do mine, due to distance, so I haven't been stopping us from going there at all (nor would I, regardless of what has happened...I would seriously never do that to anyone). It is simply that I want my internal feelings to line up and I want to feel at peace. Thank you again.


----------

