# My wife found request for live porn in my email



## faultyman

Hi all

Some days ago, my wife found an email I sent to a web performer to request for video chat. She sent me a quotation and I replied proposing a date. 
After that, nothing else happened. The virtual date never happened, I changed my mind after realizing that the meeting was off-limits. 
Although it may sound naive, I can assure you that in my mind, at the time when I wrote the emails, for me it was like consuming porn (which I did, and that is another problem). I saw no difference at the beggining. It was only later that I realized what I was about to do. 

Apart from this she found out that I was purchasing porn from the web. As I told her that I didn't do that, she feels betrayed, like I was living a kind of a double life. It is true that I also was paying less attention to her that what I should. Altough our sex life is not bad, it could be much better if it wasn't for some issues of me, and for my selfish escape from some of her needs.

She is devastated. She feels like I betrayed her. I tried to explain that it was a thing of a moment, that I stopped thinking for some minutes, and eventually realized that what was about to do was wrong. I love her very much, and our relationship was incredible before this. I regret this so much that I don't have words for explaining it. 

I was a bit obsessed about my privacy (mails, FB) and now I offered all access to everything, i sit with her so she could see that there was nothing more to hide. She feels like he doesn't know me at all. 

I offered everything at my reach to help her, and I really mean it. I will fight for this relationship with all my soul, we were thinking of having a child in the following months, and I still want to do this. 

I am a complex person, I have some intimacy issues, but I worked so much for being a better person for her and for me. 

I have seen many messages on this forum from the affected parts, but no message from the "bad" person. Maybe you can offer me some advice of the things we could do to overcome this.


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## Oldfaithful

Stop trying to minimize it and own up to what you did. 
She doesn't just feel like you betrayed her, you did betray her. 

I'm not anti porn but the live cam thing is cheating to me and claiming you didn't think about it that way is BS. 

The only way you are going to fix this is by realizing what you did, owning up to it and following through on the steps it takes to heal from infidelity. 

You have to regain her trust.


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## JustAGirl

Be patient
Be kind
Be 100% transparent
*Good job on giving her access to everything*
Seek couseling

Have you told her you'll do *whatever* it takes to make this right?

Get your relationship straight before bringing a child into it....


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## faultyman

I am not minimizing, just stating the fact. There was no actual cam, there was intention for a brief moment. I know it's bad, not trying to covert for it. 
I feel that I am being judged as if I had had actual sex.

I am of course working on what you said. I want to know what kind of things does the other person needs, or maybe hints for me to guide me. I am not aware of 'steps'

Thanks


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## Hope1964

Like my husband finally said, after I caught him trying to hire an escort (he never did, he got scammed): "My intent to do what I was trying to do is as bad as actually doing it."

Read the story about our R that's linked in my signature.

No matter what a cheater does, they can always try to minimize it by saying that they COULD have done something worse. Believe me, the BS doesn't care one bit about what they COULD have done and didn't. Whatever they actually DID is always bad enough.


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## Openminded

You need to be totally patient and transparent. And know that trust lost is very difficult to get back. Women have divorced for such as this. There's no way to tell how long it will take to repair the damage but it may not be quick. Be prepared to discuss this as many times as she feels necessary. And ask her if she feels marriage counseling is something she might find helpful.


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## JustAGirl

faultyman said:


> I am not minimizing, just stating the fact. There was no actual cam, there was intention for a brief moment. I know it's bad, not trying to covert for it.
> I feel that I am being judged as if I had had actual sex.
> 
> I am of course working on what you said. I want to know what kind of things does the other person needs, or maybe hints for me to guide me. I am not aware of 'steps'
> 
> Thanks


Have you asked *her* what she needs?


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## faultyman

JustAGirl said:


> Have you asked *her* what she needs?


Thanks for the advice, I will try to find a moment to ask her. I think I did actually, and there was no answer


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## lenzi

faultyman said:


> I am not minimizing, just stating the fact. There was no actual cam, there was intention for a brief moment. I know it's bad, not trying to covert for it.
> I feel that I am being judged as if I had had actual sex.


Intent to watch a woman on the internet over a cam- that you didn't even follow through on- is nothing close to having a real affair with a woman in real life.

Yes there's some deception there and you've gotta own up to the it, but I agree you're not in the same situation as a cheater. On this board you're going to get a lot of flack because your story triggers a lot of betrayed partners.

Tell your wife you're sorry but you never even did it, it was a moment of bad judgment, it's all good now and let's move on.


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## faultyman

lenzi said:


> Intent to watch a woman on the internet over a cam is nothing close to having a real affair with a woman in real life.
> 
> Yes there's some deception there and you've gotta own up to the it, but I agree you're not in the same situation as a cheater. On this board you're going to get a lot of flack because your story triggers a lot of betrayed partners.


OK thanks for the advice. Can you recommend me where to go?
BTW I'm glad I am not the only one that thinks this way.


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## lenzi

faultyman said:


> OK thanks for the advice. Can you recommend me where to go?
> BTW I'm glad I am not the only one that thinks this way.


Besides here? No, not really. You'll get some good advice here along with the flames. 

Take what you can use and disregard the rest. 

I've never been cheated on (at least to my knowledge) so I don't trigger when I read stories like yours. But as I said I don't think what you were "about to do" was all that bad and you stopped it before it got that far. 

So you're guilty of what.. considering looking at some anonymous chick on the internet over a webcam? How much different is that from thinking about viewing porn?

Give your wife more attention, get her some flowers and gifts and give her access to your accounts. If she's a reasonable person she'll get over it.



Hope1964 said:


> Like my husband finally said, after I caught him trying to hire an escort (he never did, he got scammed): "My intent to do what I was trying to do is as bad as actually doing it."


Different scenario. Your husband intended to follow through on having real life sex, but it was a scam. It wasn't his choice to stop and say "I shouldn't do this". If it was up to him he would have been right in there.


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## faultyman

Hope1964 said:


> Like my husband finally said, after I caught him trying to hire an escort (he never did, he got scammed): "My intent to do what I was trying to do is as bad as actually doing it."
> 
> Read the story about our R that's linked in my signature.
> 
> No matter what a cheater does, they can always try to minimize it by saying that they COULD have done something worse. Believe me, the BS doesn't care one bit about what they COULD have done and didn't. Whatever they actually DID is always bad enough.


It's good that you could reconcile after all your story. Altough I don't know you, it makes me happy, and gives me some hope.


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## Hope1964

lenzi said:


> Tell your wife you're sorry but you never even did it, it was a moment of bad judgment, it's all good now and let's move on.


I'm sorry but..... is NEVER the thing to say to someone who has been betrayed. Whether you think you've betrayed them or not.

Lenzi, your advice here is just bad advice in my not uneducated opinion.


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## Hope1964

lenzi said:


> I've never been cheated on


I've said it before and I'll say it again - if you haven't been cheated on, you really just do not know what you're talking about. It's like giving advice to parents when you've never had a kid.


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## lenzi

Hope1964 said:


> I've said it before and I'll say it again - if you haven't been cheated on, you really just do not know what you're talking about. It's like giving advice to parents when you've never had a kid.


And if you have been cheated on the tendency is to trigger, and project and over react. 

I see it all over these boards.

It's like saying people who have never been in a car accident should not give driving lessons because they don't know what it's like to crash.


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## faultyman

Hope1964 said:


> Like my husband finally said, after I caught him trying to hire an escort (he never did, he got scammed): "My intent to do what I was trying to do is as bad as actually doing it."
> 
> Read the story about our R that's linked in my signature.
> 
> No matter what a cheater does, they can always try to minimize it by saying that they COULD have done something worse. Believe me, the BS doesn't care one bit about what they COULD have done and didn't. Whatever they actually DID is always bad enough.


Of course the intention is bad too, but the decision to stop and not do it is what, for me, makes a big difference. And it's not like it was "I only gave her a bj...then I walk away". 

Anyway, I am accepting my responsability. I hope she can understandand the difference.

I still hope she can sees that.


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## cons

Faultyman-

You are taking some great steps in making amends! Complete transparency is a huge action towards wanting to do the next right thing. 

My husband betrayed me in a very similar manner...initial solicitation was made, but there was no follow through at the time I discovered it...

I think the feedback you're getting is just to avoid using the "I could've done worse" stance. Sure, the betrayal could've been deeper had you followed through, but the fact that you didn't, does not erase that there still was betrayal. 
It's really not realistic to expect your wife to see a difference when it really has nothing to do with degrees of betrayal, but the fact that there was a betrayal at all.

If you want to stand on theoretical argument. Perhaps the extent of the betrayal would've been even less had you been upfront and told her of your poor decision rather than your wife discovering it.

Do you see what I'm saying?... she can only respond to what is....not what could've been.

Continue to reassure (she may need it often at times..and other times, not so much)...

I like the response Hope1964's husband had. It acknowledges the hurtful action for what it was....hurtful...and it sounds like you are very sorry to have hurt your wife in that manner.

I would recommend that your wife give you some guidelines on what she needs. It makes sense that initially she may not be ware of what she needs. Heck, I didn't know until months later in some regards. 

To give you an example of what I asked of my husband:

I asked for transparency (access to phone, emails, FB, etc). 
I asked for him to change his cell number (since he provided it for contact information)

It wasn't until about 6 months after the incident that I realized that I was being unhealthy in our recovery in I was doing way too much policing of him. It was very one-sided on my part. So I asked for him to install monitoring software for adult themed content. 

We use this tool, not to continue the policing so much, but it allows him not to fall back asleep and do things unconsciously. It also allows us to have conversations around the healthy side of our sex life.


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## Hope1964

lenzi said:


> And if you have been cheated on the tendency is to trigger, and project and over react.
> 
> I see it all over these boards.
> 
> It's like saying people who have never been in a car accident should not give driving lessons because they don't know what it's like to crash.


No it isn't. It's like saying that people who have never been in a car crash shouldn't give advise on what you need to do to get over the trauma of being in a car crash.

The fact that BS's trigger is the whole point here. If you don't trigger, you have no idea what another BS needs in order to heal, because you have no idea what you're dealing with.


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## Hope1964

faultyman said:


> Of course the intention is bad too, but the decision to stop and not do it is what, for me, makes a big difference. And it's not like it was "I only gave her a bj...then I walk away".
> 
> Anyway, I am accepting my responsability. I hope she can understandand the difference.
> 
> I still hope she can sees that.


There's that word again - BUT. You have got to lose it, at least for now. You DO deserve credit for the fact you stopped, but she might not be ready to give you that credit for a while. Things have to progress on her timeline, not yours.

Other than that, it does sound to me like you're doing quite well. Just know that it takes TIME. A lot more than most WS's think it should.


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## faultyman

Thanks everybody, I really appreciate your comments about my situation. It's being really helpful


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## sparkyjim

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The Brain Science Behind Addiction | Candeo Behavior Change

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