# Wives, do you need your husband to still be a challenge?



## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

One of the biggest mistakes I made was thinking that the games stopped once you got married. I thought you were supposed to settle down, put your wife and kids first, and always be there.

Apparently, all that did for me was make my wife take me for granted. She got bored, had an MLC, and I just couldnt compete with her younger, more exciting friends. 

As she took me more for granted, her social calendar was skyrocketing. She would get so excited at how full her calendar was and pretty soon, the kids and I had to be penciled in around her social activities.

Needless to say, she ended up having an affair. We are trying to reconcile and we're doing a pretty good job so far. She has completely stopped being the way she was and is back being the woman I married. She is extremely remorseful and has made me her #1 priority and has shown me every day since dday.

Problem is, emotionally, I'm keeping her at arms length. I'm afraid to show her my complete love for her. I want her to fear losing me for the rest of her life. I dont ever want her to take me for granted or feel safe with me. You see, my theory is that she never had to worry about me. She never had to be concerned with where I was or who I was with. She never feared losing me. Instead of being comforted with that safety, she took me for granted and thought that because she never feared losing me, maybe she didnt love me anymore. It didnt help that she shut me out of her heart when she had the affair and she projected all her issues and guilt on to me.

So now here we are. Everyday she fears losing me and everyday shes working her ass off show me how much she loves me. Do some women just need the constant challenge or do they think that fear of loss is what love is? I want to love this woman like I did before but my mind will not let me jump right in to her arms. I am constantly wanting to keep her at arms length. I just think my wife is one of those women who needs/wants to chase her man. If she doesnt feel the fear/jealousy, she confuses it with not loving him.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I think men are supposed to constantly challenge themselves , making themselves better men.

However in the situation you just discribed , the problem looks as if it started with poor marital boundaries. 
You made the mistake of not holding your wife responsible for her actions. The affair was a natural consequence of that.

That's why it's importasnt to have strong marital boundaries.
That's why I reject as foolish ,fanciful thinking, the idea by a few here on TAM , that having strong boundaries aren't necessary because only cheaters cheat.

Ordinary people can and many of them at different times fall into temptation, rationalize their behaviour , and end up cheating.


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

No challenge needed here, my husband may be what others would consider predictable or boring but to me he is steadfast and trustworthy. Living with my first husband was a challenge, he was unfaithful, an alcoholic and I had to walk on eggshells around him. Mr. T is cool, calm and collected and I never have to worry whether its a good mood day or a bad mood day for him. I don't need excitement or challenge as much as I need to know I can rely on him and feel secure in his love. He is my source of strength.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *Mrs. T said*: *No challenge needed here, my husband may be what others would consider predictable or boring but to me he is steadfast and trustworthy. Living with my first husband was a challenge, he was unfaithful, an alcoholic and I had to walk on eggshells around him. Mr. T is cool, calm and collected and I never have to worry whether its a good mood day or a bad mood day for him. I don't need excitement or challenge as much as I need to know I can rely on him and feel secure in his love. He is my source of strength.*










I love this... this is SO my husband too.. and really those things are MOST IMPORTANT TO ME -in love and marriage ...but to be honest, I think I am a little more ornery over you Mrs T. 



> *hawx20 said*: *You see, my theory is that she never had to worry about me. She never had to be concerned with where I was or who I was with. She never feared losing me*.


I can relate to what you say here.. I never feared loosing my husband ...he was probably "too good" to me over the yrs.....not the lying, going behind a husband's back... but I did take him for granted in some ways in our past -he wasn't very assertive to his needs...he should have told me what FOR !... I think some "Apathy" came upon us, not even realizing it ... we could have been more SPICY.. more Playful.. stuff like that...For me...it was more a giving too much time to our kids -but never looking over the fence. 

My husband is pretty TAME.. .predictable ... honestly, this is probably WHY I start fights with him once in a while... maybe I am looking for a challenge....He's never wrestled me to the ground or anything like that.. I think that'd be FUN.... darn it....it ups the hormones or something!...so what ends up happening with us is... I become the challenge.. 

This is probably one of the reasons I get off on Debating ...I get this release on forums many times...and I enjoy it..it's an intellectual challenge to me (something I dearly Love)....

I don't need another man or anything.. he fulfills... he engages me *enough* ...Now if he didn't talk to me or pushed me away....that sort of thing, I do think it would have caused us issues a long time ago... but this has never been the case.



> *hawx20 said*I want to love this woman like I did before but my mind will not let me jump right in to her arms. I am constantly wanting to keep her at arms length. *I just think my wife is one of those women who needs/wants to chase her man. If she doesnt feel the fear/jealousy, she confuses it with not loving him*.


 I can't really relate to this as I feel I'd go the other direction if I had to chase a man, this would get really old... Being a challenge /FUN.. keeping things spicy and also being lovingly vulnerable with our partners is so very DO-able...

You fear the vulnerability -due to her betraying you...she sounds she was looking for more excitement (I don't know, don't know the whole story)... staying at arms length though....something has to give...

Was she open with you -before she stepped out, letting you know what she needed ,desired, wanted at home, was she vulnerable with you ? 

Maybe you both fear showing each other the vulnerable side -which could have brought you closer in communication before all of this went down.. possible?

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...r-its-pain-its-beauty-how-vulnerable-you.html


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Was she open with you -before she stepped out, letting you know what she needed ,desired, wanted at home, was she vulnerable with you ?
> [/QUOTE]
> 
> No not really. She was loving and our marriage was fine. It started with the gym. She became obsessed with working out, started to get more friends, then the MLC hit and her friends got younger and her social life took over her priorities. Sex diminished and what I got was pretty much duty sex.
> ...


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

After being put through the ringer by my challenge of an ex husband I am thankful my DH is NOT a challenge. Every thing is right there on the table with him.No surprises other than the sexy ones he dishes out in the bedroom. To me,that's sexier and more thrilling than anything. Knowing I'm safe means being able to give him 100% of myself every day.

Some women need to feel like they're always chasing their man in order to be content. These are usually the same women who get their satisfaction from constant stress and drama. Most of them don't even realize it but their pattern of living makes it obvious.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> After being put through the ringer by my challenge of an ex husband I am thankful my DH is NOT a challenge. Every thing is right there on the table with him.No surprises other than the sexy ones he dishes out in the bedroom. To me,that's sexier and more thrilling than anything. Knowing I'm safe means being able to give him 100% of myself every day.
> 
> *Some women need to feel like they're always chasing their man in order to be content. These are usually the same women who get their satisfaction from constant stress and drama. Most of them don't even realize it but their pattern of living makes it obvious*.


There are some actual physiological explanations for this. Simply put, each interaction with a person releases chemicals in the body, and it has been suggested that people can actually become addicted to these chemicals, and so need to repeat certain behaviors to get that fix. The roller coaster ride relationships with the highest of the highs and lowest of the lows and people who bounce from one right into another and back again might actually be chemically dependent on themselves, and why certain patterns of behavior tend to repeat.

This was actually one of my concerns with my STBW. I am very different from any man she's ever known. I am not going to give her that roller coaster of drama. She won't get those chemically induced highs and lows from me in the same way she has in the past.

Over the course of our relationship however, she is happier than she has ever been, her moods have improved, she has a much more positive outlook on life, and that is because of the stability I bring.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Some women need to feel like they're always chasing their man in order to be content. These are usually the same women who get their satisfaction from constant stress and drama. Most of them don't even realize it but their pattern of living makes it obvious.


Yeah this would seem to describe my life. She loves drama, not so much her own, but she loves drama none the less.

I just dont understand. I got married to be with someone and never have to play games again. The less I worry about them, the more it makes me love them. I want to feel safe with my spouse. I just think my wife is the opposite. If she doesnt feel the "rush" from worrying about if i'm screwing someone else or fearing me dumping her for any reason, then she mistakes that for not being in love and just being content with life.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

hawx20 said:


> Yeah this would seem to describe my life. She loves drama, not so much her own, but she loves drama none the less.
> 
> I just dont understand. I got married to be with someone and never have to play games again. The less I worry about them, the more it makes me love them. I want to feel safe with my spouse. I just think my wife is the opposite. If she doesnt feel the "rush" from worrying about if i'm screwing someone else or fearing me dumping her for any reason, then she mistakes that for not being in love and just being content with life.


I can sympathize.My mother is very similar to that. Addicted to stress and mistaking uncertainty for excitement. 

I feel like that's something that can be resolved in therapy for many people. The first step is recognizing it's unhealthy. Feeling the rush of lust for your spouse is not wrong at all.Only getting that rush when he/she is gaming you is so bad in my opinion and not at all what marriage should be about.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I can sympathize.My mother is very similar to that. Addicted to stress and mistaking uncertainty for excitement.
> 
> I feel like that's something that can be resolved in therapy for many people. The first step is recognizing it's unhealthy. Feeling the rush of lust for your spouse is not wrong at all.Only getting that rush when he/she is gaming you is so bad in my opinion and not at all what marriage should be about.


I guess right now I'm trying to figure out who my wife is. The woman I met, fell in love with, married, and lived with for 5 years is not the same woman she has been for the past 2 years. Now she is back to being the woman I fell in love with an married.

I've tested my theory about her needing to fear losing me a few times during our marriage, even during the time she cheated on me. She reacted exactly like I wanted her to. Problem was, thats not the way I want to live my life with her.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

hawx20 said:


> I guess right now I'm trying to figure out who my wife is. The woman I met, fell in love with, married, and lived with for 5 years is not the same woman she has been for the past 2 years. Now she is back to being the woman I fell in love with an married.
> 
> I've tested my theory about her needing to fear losing me a few times during our marriage, even during the time she cheated on me. She reacted exactly like I wanted her to. Problem was, thats not the way I want to live my life with her.


It's possible she's both women. She could really be struggling with that inside and not even understand what's going on with herself. That is so darn frustrating.To hate the stress and uncertainty yet continue perpetuating the scenarios that will bring about the stress and uncertainty bc deep down you're addicted to that feeling. If I had to guess,she's probably wishing she could just be happy and thrilled with no games and lots of safety but can't get there for some reason.


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## heyheyitschrish (Jan 17, 2014)

hawx20 said:


> One of the biggest mistakes I made was thinking that the games stopped once you got married. I thought you were supposed to settle down, put your wife and kids first, and always be there.
> 
> Apparently, all that did for me was make my wife take me for granted. She got bored, had an MLC, and I just couldnt compete with her younger, more exciting friends.
> 
> ...


I think it really just depends on the woman because I am not that way at all. I did take my husband for granted for a period of time but I quickly realized marriage cannot be that way. It has to be a constant effort to be the best "yourself" you can be, for personal growth and growth in the marriage. I think you have to continue persuing and "dating" your spouse to keep things alive. I am always constantly trying to do better or be better or look better, or change the negative attributes about myself not because I think my husband will leave me at the drop of a hat and not because I am insecure, simply because that is what a husband DESERVES.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

hawx20 said:


> One of the biggest mistakes I made was thinking that the games stopped once you got married. I thought you were supposed to settle down, put your wife and kids first, and always be there.


My sense, based on my wife, her friends, and this board, is that while most women don't want a challenge, they do want a man of value, who is not a push over and who is "desired" in a broad sense. 

So putting yourself at the bottom of the list every time is actually a bad thing. Insist on something for your self every so often, even if it is as simple as commandeering the TV to watch the game or going out to enjoy your hobby one in a while.

By desired, I mean that in a broader sense. Desired by the opposite sex, sure, but also desired by people at large. Folks want your time and want to engage with you. 

I would also note that while you should not have to play games with your spouse, that does not mean you should stop dating them. Take her out to do fun things. Not just the romantic dinners, but the silly stuff you did when just spending time with her was awesome. Mini-putt, the video arcade, shooting pool at a bar, catching a comedy act, whatever. Be a fun person to be around.


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## lookinforhelpandhope (Apr 10, 2013)

hawks20, is it possible that your wife didn't have the opportunity to let her hair down and get all of this out of her system when she was younger? It sounds to me like it could be a throwback to not having indulged in her youth and therefore somehow feeling like she missed out on something along the way?


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## WayUpNorth (Dec 14, 2013)

Mrs. T said:


> No challenge needed here, my husband may be what others would consider predictable or boring but to me he is steadfast and trustworthy. Living with my first husband was a challenge, he was unfaithful, an alcoholic and I had to walk on eggshells around him. Mr. T is cool, calm and collected and I never have to worry whether its a good mood day or a bad mood day for him. I don't need excitement or challenge as much as I need to know I can rely on him and feel secure in his love. He is my source of strength.


I like that. Not predictable and boring, but STEADFAST and TRUSTWORTHY. Great attitude.:smthumbup:


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

lookinforhelpandhope said:


> hawks20, is it possible that your wife didn't have the opportunity to let her hair down and get all of this out of her system when she was younger? It sounds to me like it could be a throwback to not having indulged in her youth and therefore somehow feeling like she missed out on something along the way?


You hit the nail on the head. She told a mutual friend that this is how she got caught up in her MLC and eventual affair. Her friends got younger, she was so caught up in being young again.

She was a single mother in her 20s and had to sacrifice a lot. She told our mutual friend she got caught up doing all the things she felt she missed out on.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Women wanting challenging men isn't universal, but it's fairly common. And it sounds like your wife is one of the women who enjoy chasing.

I think you need to strike a balance. You can't keep her in a constant state of dread that you will leave, because even a natural drama queen will eventually tire of that and want stability. On the other hand, you tried the assurance of a lifetime, no matter what, commitment. And that didn't work out so well.

So find some middle ground. Destabilize the relationship a bit by being someone that other women appreciate. She should believe that, were you to divorce, you would have no trouble dating and/or remarrying. On the other hand, you should reassure her that you're not looking for greener pastures and, as long as she behaves, you will happily stick around and be a good husband.

She should feel comfortable that you want a life long marriage with her. But, she shouldn't feel complacent that you will accept poor treatment from her. She needs to feel that, in order to receive your best, she needs to do her best. That's the sweet spot.

Good luck.


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## lookinforhelpandhope (Apr 10, 2013)

hawx20 said:


> You hit the nail on the head. She told a mutual friend that this is how she got caught up in her MLC and eventual affair. Her friends got younger, she was so caught up in being young again.
> 
> She was a single mother in her 20s and had to sacrifice a lot. She told our mutual friend she got caught up doing all the things she felt she missed out on.


That being the case, if you can find it in your heart to fully forgive the affair and move on the I'd do it. 

Give your love and give it fully however, love yourself every bit as much as you love your wife. I would say if you want to keep her attention don't play games just show that your are someone of value. Making a point of taking some time to indulge in your own friends/hobbies, etc. No to excess but just be sure to have a life of your own too. Value youself and she will value you too.


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

I don't necessarily need my husband to still be a challenge. I'm all for straight forward, lay your cards on the table type communications - no game playing, sulking, silent treatments or anything of that childish ilk.

What I'd like to see from myself and my husband is a willingness to grow and mature and learn individually and in our marriage.

I'm sorry to hear that your wife betrayed you. You sound like a nice man. I hope she is bending over backwards to make it all up to you - and your children.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Good lord no, I have no desire for my H to be a challenge. 
I don't want nor need the drama in my life.
What is important to me, are the times when my H shows me how much he loves me. 
For some it may be nothing, but to me it's everything.
On the weekends, while I'm sleeping in, he gets up early, takes care of the pets, makes us coffee & toast, then brings it all into bed so we can have breakfast in bed & watch TV.
It's our week-end ritual & when I wake up to see him handing me my cup, my heart does a little lurch in my chest.
That's just an example of the things he does that shows me he loves me.
I readily return the love as well, we also tease & laugh with each other all the time, we're pretty goofy together & it's the best aphrodisiac in the world.


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## bobbieb65 (Jan 24, 2013)

Hmmm,:scratchhead: NO!!!!! He's a challenge enough for himself as it is


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Great thread.

A lot of the op hit home, except my wife didn't do the MLC thing as you describe, but I do feel taken for granted and thinking along those lines opens up a whole new thought process for me. I'm trying to be less available and less interested in her and more interested in me. I need to upset the apple cart and in fact I did last week. Maybe it will help my situation, but I know it will help me.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

It depends on what kind of challenge. I don't need the kind of challenge which is emotionally destabilizing as other posters have mentioned.. I do need him to be a challenge in terms of maintaining our mutual seduction/attraction. Somewhere in the back of my mind I need to think: "wow, he's really attractive, I'd better watch out!" If I start taking him for granted, the challenge is gone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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