# Too worried about hurting my wife



## OutOfState (Jul 6, 2012)

I have been married to my wife for 4 years now, however we have been together for almost 13 years. We have two children together, an 11 year old and an infant. I promised her when we got married that we would have another baby, and she really put the screws to me about a year ago to have another. The love has been gone however from our relationship for a while now. We love each other, but we are more like roommates or just family, not lovers. Her parents are still married but they are not close at all and don't share a bedroom, and thats the idea of marriage she grew up with, so I guess she feels our relationship is normal. I have never cheated on her, nor would I. However she has cheated on me before we were married, so I guess it doesnt count. Perhaps it was somewhat my fault. Idk. I don't think she ever would now that we are married.

Anyway, I want to get divorced, and it has nothing to do with another woman, or wanting to be with other women. Its just that we want different things out of life. I know I don't make her happy and well... she doesnt make me happy. The sex is awful, and she doesn't really care about that aspect of a marriage. We are very different people with different views on how life should be and what we want out of life.

Before you suggest counseling know that we have done all that. We have seen 3 counselors in our 13 years together, talked about all this, put in all the work to make things better, but nothing works, at least not long term.

I have been considering divorce for a while, but i don't have the stones to do it. I am to concerned with my wifes well being than my own. I don't want to hurt my wife. I don't want to break her heart and I know she would feel scorned bigtime. My friends tell me I am more concerned with other peoples feelings than my own, and I should start living for myself and my happiness. I know they are right. We only get one life. But when it comes to action I just don't have the guts to do it.

I need help. I just don't think I can handle the fallout after telling her I want to get divorced.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

There are people on here who will say that there is no excuse for divorce besides infidelity or abuse, but I don't agree with those people. It is a legal option for just such situations as yours.

The bigger question is why you are more concerned with her feelings than with your own, or why you think that staying married to her when you do not want to is somehow doing her a favor. Have you done any individual counseling?

Honestly, I don't think staying with her out of pity is much of a kindness. The longer you wait, the longer before she can restart her life and find a man who really cherishes her. Have you looked at it that way?


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## OutOfState (Jul 6, 2012)

I agree with what you are saying.

I have considered individual counseling, and I have done that before. Its expensive though, and I haven't found alot of answers that help me.

I know i am wasteing time and I am not doing her any favors. Maybe my issue is that I feel selfish. I reallt don't have a conventional reason for divorce, like you said infidelity or abuse. So I am wrestling with the idea that I am being a coward and maybe I should just grin and bear it for the rest of my life like so many other unhappy marriages I see daily.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, and certainly people for centuries have done that. People in many countries still do that because they do not have a choice -- sometimes not legally, sometimes not culturally.

We do have the choice. If you want to stay for the children, that's one thing. But if you're just staying because you are too chicken to leave, I don't quite understand your mindset. Which is fine, you're not me!

Do keep posting, I'm sure you'll get some differing advice here below.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

Depending on your view of eternity, you may believe this is your only chance at life. If that is true, why spend it in a situation that causes you pain?


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## OutOfState (Jul 6, 2012)

I am not staying for the children. I am very much involved in their lives and I always would be whether or not we remain married. I would never let anything change that.

I guess I am just chicken. So does one get over that?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Your call, honey 

I'm not going to push someone into divorce if they aren't ready -- maybe you aren't ready?

If you think you are ready, then I'd recommend sitting down and making a list of what you are afraid of. No matter how stupid, this list is just for you. Then you can start from there and analyze one by one how rational each fear is, and how it can be addressed, or whether it must simply be borne.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

Kids are preceptive, even at a young age. They know when something is wrong. Do you want them to grow up thinking this is the way a family works? Chances are, the will treat their relatinshionships in the same manner.


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