# Getting over an affair



## Aly35 (Feb 19, 2012)

A month ago I found out about my husband's 12 month affair. It never got to sex but was almost there when i found out I think. He has ended it and vowed to make our marriage work. 


I love him and want to work things out but I still have my doubts. I am unsure as to whether to install a VAR in his car or something like a key logger as I think that makes me stoop to their level. However, I am clearly not anywhere near over it as I don't trust him to keep clear of this woman.

Part of me thinks he wouldn't do anything now as I know the truth - he could easily have left and gone to her and didn't. She is single so surely she wouldn't be happy carrying on either with half a relationship??

am i being really naive (please don't laugh) ??


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

verification is needed for healing

go ahead and snoop all you want

the more you see nothing is going on or what hubby says is happen is actually happening on the more trust you rebuild


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Aly35 said:


> A month ago I found out about my husband's 12 month affair. It never got to sex but was almost there when i found out I think. He has ended it and vowed to make our marriage work.
> 
> 
> I love him and want to work things out but I still have my doubts. I am unsure as to whether to install a VAR in his car or something like a key logger as I think that makes me stoop to their level. However, I am clearly not anywhere near over it as I don't trust him to keep clear of this woman.
> ...


Sorry to hear the story. 
How long are you married? Have kids?
I dont know how you came to conclude that the A was not physical. 
You should consider both VAR and keylogger. Is she his co-worker? How did you discover?
Be more vigilant.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

It's my opinion that the BS has every right to snoop as much or as long as they want, until they feel like stopping. 

You are not stooping to his level--unless you are having an EA right back. 

I did the VAR & cell phone record check. I didn't need to do the GPS because I did know where he was every night (with me) 
So I did it for a few months and NOTHING. NADA. ZIP. He really had stopped. Which his actions supported--but it made me feel better to do it, I just didn't want to be blindsided again. And as much as I started to trust him again, it just made me feel better to KNOW I was right to trust. Good luck to you!!


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## Aly35 (Feb 19, 2012)

sunshinetoday said:


> It's my opinion that the BS has every right to snoop as much or as long as they want, until they feel like stopping.
> 
> You are not stooping to his level--unless you are having an EA right back.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Aly35 (Feb 19, 2012)

Aly35 said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, you're right. I'll do it for a while and, if nothing, I'll start to relax. Married 14 years and 2 kids....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yeah, you need to snoop. Otherwise you're rug sweeping.

I would also want to snoop as far back as I could and verify the 'no sex' thing. Sounds like an awfully long time for 'no sex' to have happened.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

I guess that legal jargon is the best way that I can adequately offer description to it, but your spouse, either by having admitted to or is not exactly passing the "smell test" of being in an affair(meaning that he's telling you that you're paranoid or wrong about him, can't give adequate or truthful explanations on his whereabouts, his electronic media usage, his spending activity, et. al.)

That, in and of itself, would initiate "probable cause" on your part, pretty much giving you carte blanche to investigate him and/or his actions until your querry either proves to be fruitless, or you end up catching him "red-handed!" In your case, I'd have to richly say that "an ounce of caution is certainly worth a pound of cure!" Happy sleuthing!


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## mestalla guy (Mar 20, 2012)

would find it hard to believe that it was going on for a year and no sex happened


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Aly, my wife and I still check on each other. If there is nothing to hide then there should be no hesitation. Remember, when you marry two become one. There is no longer an issue with privacy because there is no privacy in a marriage.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

he gave up his 'right' to privacy when he violated his vows.


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

Aly35 said:


> A month ago I found out about my husband's 12 month affair. It never got to sex but was almost there when i found out I think. He has ended it and vowed to make our marriage work.
> 
> 
> I love him and want to work things out but I still have my doubts. I am unsure as to whether to install a VAR in his car or something like a key logger as I think that makes me stoop to their level. However, I am clearly not anywhere near over it as I don't trust him to keep clear of this woman.
> ...


Not sure if naive is the right term. More like "denial". As others have suggested, my first thought was the same.

You are convinced his affair was never sexual. 

You really have no way of knowing that and given it lasted a year, odds are it WAS sexual. At least try working through your own defense mechanisms that are shielding you from the pain but also from the truth. 

Your other question? Would she settle for a part time lover?

Of course, it happens all the time.

Your other unasked question? How do you know he hasn't gone back to her? If you're not with him every single minute and you don't have mechanisms in place to monitor him, then you can't know. 

He can fool you but stop fooling yourself. It might be less painful right now but in the end you are going to be left reeling because you've allowed yourself to stay in a bad situation.

You cannot control his actions but you can work on your own responses to them.


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## hurtingsodeeply (Nov 8, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> Aly, my wife and I still check on each other. If there is nothing to hide then there should be no hesitation. Remember, when you marry two become one. There is no longer an issue with privacy because there is no privacy in a marriage.


ok.. Im sorry but I have to disagree beowolf.. When u marry you do not become one.. Even in marriage there HAS to be individualality... And as for privacy.. I have to say that something must remain private.. Until it affects the union.. I left mh wife as I was no longer an " individual " I lived under her umbrella for ten years......
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Aly35 said:


> A month ago I found out about my husband's 12 month affair. It never got to sex but was almost there when i found out I think. He has ended it and vowed to make our marriage work.
> 
> 
> I love him and want to work things out but I still have my doubts. I am unsure as to whether to install a VAR in his car or something like a key logger as I think that makes me stoop to their level. However, I am clearly not anywhere near over it as I don't trust him to keep clear of this woman.
> ...


Betrayed Spouse Bill of Rights « betrayed but recovering

*Betrayed Spouses Bill of Rights*​
_In a world where a marriage is as likely to end as not, we sometimes forget what a partnership is in the early days after discovery of infidelity. We lose ourselves in the desperation to hold onto your loved one. Remembering your rights will help you no matter which path your marriage takes._

1- You have a right to the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. By having an affair, your spouse has closed off the relationship with you and opened one with the OP (other person). You have a right to insist this is reversed for your healing and to assure that loyalties have been realigned.

2- You have the right to trust- but verify. Trust has been broken, ‘snooping’ is not snooping. It is verifying that someone proven to be a liar, sneak and cheat has changed their ways. Like an addict, a WS(wayward spouse) will often go back to their emotional fix. You have a right to verify this is not happening.

3- You have the right to insist there are only two people in the marriage. That choice was made when you made vows to each other. Even a moment with a third person is too much. You owe your WS no time to ‘think about it’. There’s a marriage or there’s none.

4- You have a right to know who the OP is, the flip of this is you do not have a right to harm or harass this person. Hold yourself to a better standard than the OP did.

5- You have the right to choose to give the gift of reconciliation or to divorce. You have the right to take some time to make that choice. If you one day realize you cannot live with the truth of what has been done, you have the right to walk away.

6- You have the right to insist your WS gets STD testing done and to see the results. Even if the WS claims it has not gotten physical, as many WSs will admit to “only a kiss” when it has gone much further.

7- You have the right to insist that your WS initiates and honors NC (no contact) immediately. You have a right to have input and to be a witness to how NC is established.

8- You have a right to set and enforce boundaries. This is not blackmail or any of the other negative words your WS might use. This you protecting yourself.

9- You have a right to hold onto evidence for as long as you need it to feel safe. Your WS has created an atmosphere of risk and danger. It is natural to have a safety net to counteract what has been brought into your marriage.

10- You have a right to know who your WS’s friends are and the nature of their interactions. If it is kept a secret, it is not healthy for the marriage and therefore something is amiss.

11- You have the right to out the affair to anyone you deem will help you and/or your marriage. This is not your secret to keep, this is not your shame to hold. You owe no protection to those that failed to protect you.

12- You have a right to heal on your timeline. As long as you are making steady progress, you are healing. It is a slow process and a WS that says things along the lines of, “You’ll never get over this!” does not have a full grasp of the damage betrayal causes. This is a healing process that takes from 18 months to five years.

13- You have a right to yell, cry, fall apart and otherwise handle this in any way that relieves some of the devastating pain, shock and loss of trust. Your world has been turned on its end. You do not have the right to physically, verbally or otherwise abuse your spouse.

14- You have the right to insist on a true marriage. A marriage of partners, where you love, honor and protect each other. If you feel your marriage is missing one of these components, either fixing it or leaving are your only two options. You don’t have the right to cheat and/or turn someone else into a betrayed spouse.

15- You have a right to love yourself. Often the betrayed have forgotten themselves as an individual. This is the optimum time to remind yourself that you are unique and lovable in your own right. That as much as you might love your spouse, you should love yourself enough to refuse any sort of mistreatment.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

hurtingsodeeply said:


> ok.. Im sorry but I have to disagree beowolf.. When u marry you do not become one.. Even in marriage there HAS to be individualality... And as for privacy.. I have to say that something must remain private.. Until it affects the union.. I left mh wife as I was no longer an " individual " I lived under her umbrella for ten years......
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Can you please give me an example of something that does NOT affect the union? Doesn't every choice, every decision, every thought affect your spouse and your marriage in some way?

There is a difference between openness and transparency and utter domination.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

hurtingsodeeply said:


> ok.. Im sorry but I have to disagree beowolf.. When u marry you do not become one.. Even in marriage there HAS to be individualality... And as for privacy.. I have to say that something must remain private.. Until it affects the union.. I left mh wife as I was no longer an " individual " I lived under her umbrella for ten years......
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If your a Christian or a Jew and you get married, you do indeed become one. Other religions,I have no idea. Atheists, its whatever you say it is.

Don't know your situation but it sounds like you bailed on your marriage.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

chapparal said:


> If your a Christian or a Jew and you get married, you do indeed become one. Other religions,I have no idea. Atheists, its whatever you say it is.
> 
> Don't know your situation but it sounds like you bailed on your marriage.


I really don't think religion plays into it that much other than the terminology used in the vows. The truth is I can't think of anything that I might say, do or even think that does not in some way affect my wife and my marriage. Therefore why should I be able to keep those things private? I'd like anyone to give me an example. As far as I'm concerned privacy = secrets and secrets - marriage death.

Openness and transparency do not mean you give up who you are. On the contrary, openness and transparency allow you to be who you are without fear or concern. In the movie _Meet Joe Black Quince_ is asked how he knows his wife loves him. He replies "Because she knows the worst thing about me and its okay." If you're keeping secrets your spouse doesn't really know you. And then how can you be sure that he/she really loves you?


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

That is an ideal situation, Beowulf.
I dont know if it is prevalent in many marriages.


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## newlife94 (Aug 11, 2011)

AngryandUsed said:


> That is an ideal situation, Beowulf.
> I dont know if it is prevalent in many marriages.


My H and I have absolute transparency ....of course we are 4 months into R, so there was secrecy before. I am learning to trust him again. The book "Torn Asunder" is helping us and we are seeing our chaplain. Protecting and honoring our marriage is priority number 1. I know now that even though his actions were not acceptable, there were conditions in our marriage that made him vulnerable to it and honestly I can see how just about anyone can become vulnerable, that is helping with the healing. Not everyone can or will recover, but it is possible for everyone that wants to....there is HOPE!!

Good luck to you and your husband. There is also another book "Not Just Friends" that I am reading now, great resource that I heard of here on TAM.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

AngryandUsed said:


> That is an ideal situation, Beowulf.
> I dont know if it is prevalent in many marriages.


I don't know what advantage secrecy has in any marriage. I've read many books and I can't remember one that does not advocate openness and honesty in a marriage. So maybe it is an ideal situation but it also should be something to make every effort to achieve.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

secrecy breeds cheating. If honesty exists in all marriages, TAM wouldn't be where it is now!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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