# Anger issues



## Fallen (Sep 21, 2009)

My husband has given up on himself most of the time, i believe that he thinks he is a failure. We dont make very much money, and when we are struggling with money, i want to just make the best of everything and look at the positive prospective and make it work. My husband takes our struggles and turns it into anger and depression, yells at me all the time, etc. I dont want anyone to cuss around my four year old. But he has really bad anger issues, and he knows it, but cannot control it apparently. We are mostly having fights over nothing. On special occasions, it gets really bad. For instance, my birthday, he was driving us home from my family bday party for me, and i looked up and saw that the light was red, and he sped up , i have a bit of a fear when it comes to driving in cars, and i got scared and then it turned green. thats it. because i got scared and gasped, and DIDNT APPOLOGIZE, he got so mad, that he turned the car into a parking lot, and jumped out of it and slammed the door so hard that it went through the frame (just enough that it still gets stuck when you shut that door now) and ran off. I cant deal with feeling like im constantly having to make sure that i dont make him angry. He snaps at me loudly when were just talking. He tells me he just wants to die, and that me and my son are the only thing that is worth living for. But he has talked about getting a divorse during our fights. I thought that we really were going to split up last month. And its the weekends that are the WORST. when hes at work during the week, its not too bad, but having him home all weekend, thats when the big fights start. That and the special occasions. I know that this was really bad a year and a half ago, and he acted the same, and I almost left him. Then things worked out better (money, car, house, etc... stress was less) but its going down this road again, and i just want peace. I want the peace so bad. Im at a point where i dont know if i can be with him much longer, im really thinking about leaving him, but i do love him, and commited myself to a life with him. but not like this. i shouldnt have to deal with something like this. any advice would be helpful, im completely confused on what i should do.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Men take failure VERY hard. We are the providers. The rocks of the family. When we feel worthless it all falls apart. You are NOT to blame. He has a personal struggle. His expectations are much higher then where he is now for himself and his family. He obviously can not accept the current status. What he needs from you is some loving pushing to improve. Maybe help him try to find what he's looking for. A better job?? More money of course.. There is a lot eating at him..

My personal response is it can be very hard. I used to make 6 figures. Had the good life. Wife quit job and stay home with first kid. Then it all fell apart. I lost job. Wife had to go back to work. I became stay at home dad. Depression sat in. I was worthless. Couldn't get ANY job that paid even half of what I was making.. Then I hit bottom. Went to work in retail. Made barely 4 dollars an hour after daycare and benefits.. Now 5 years later I am still in retail but now I am making good money. I am not happy cause I am not doing what I want but no where near as bad as those 3years were. 

Just try and be supportive..


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## Fallen (Sep 21, 2009)

Loving Husband said:


> Men take failure VERY hard. We are the providers. The rocks of the family. When we feel worthless it all falls apart. You are NOT to blame. He has a personal struggle. His expectations are much higher then where he is now for himself and his family. He obviously can not accept the current status. What he needs from you is some loving pushing to improve. Maybe help him try to find what he's looking for. A better job?? More money of course.. There is a lot eating at him..
> 
> My personal response is it can be very hard. I used to make 6 figures. Had the good life. Wife quit job and stay home with first kid. Then it all fell apart. I lost job. Wife had to go back to work. I became stay at home dad. Depression sat in. I was worthless. Couldn't get ANY job that paid even half of what I was making.. Then I hit bottom. Went to work in retail. Made barely 4 dollars an hour after daycare and benefits.. Now 5 years later I am still in retail but now I am making good money. I am not happy cause I am not doing what I want but no where near as bad as those 3years were.
> 
> Just try and be supportive..


Yes, i understand what your saying. it can be hard for me to be supportive when he is making me so angry with his behavior and words, yet i try. i could do that more, i just have trouble letting go how he has acted or the horrible things he says to me. our car is broke, we dont have the money to fix it, our washer isnt working right, our dryer is broke, right now we live from paycheck to paycheck, and im right now an at home mom. i walked across a buisy street and applied for the only job that is hiring around our neighborhood, and pretty sure i will get it, and im going to try to work graveyard and weekends to help out to make more money. he had his hours cut at his job. im the kind of person that sees everything thats bad and make it work. its difficult for me to understand that not making enough money would be something to make a family fall apart. car is broke= walk, washer and dryer not working= i wash by hand and hang to dry, money is low= i make arrangements with the bills and rent ... it works. i just want to have a happy family. I tell him we could be homeless, or not even own a car, or have any job, but we have all of these things, and we have so much. but he doesnt see it that way. he takes all of his frustration and anger with all of these problems and gets angry at me all the time. i shouldnt be the one that gets yelled at for everything i say or do because he is frustrated. i am too, but i just make it work for the best, why cant he do the same?


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Cause your a women and you process everything different then us men do.. The failure part is probably the worst thing that can happen to us. it is who we are. We are raised to be the providers. Yet we control our own destiny. He needs to wake up and do it.. You can't do it for him but you can help. Again suggest some jobs to apply to.. Not push him to do it but in a loving way say hey I found a few jobs that might work.. His anger seems to be coming from stress. Every little thing that happens will get his rath.. I know my wife does it.. All it takes is one bad thing to make it worse again.. Sorry your going through this.


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## angryandfrustrated (Sep 12, 2009)

My husband is the same way. Things dont have to be going badly at all and its like he will find something to dwell on and then turns into a nightmare. Much like your husband his responses are out of line, and he cant ever just be thankful for everything that we do have and that is going well. Then, I think you are saying, it's hard to forgive him and let it go because he doesn't apologize or try very hard to control himself. OMG do I hear you. DH always has to say how bad his life is and how hard everything is for him. I get so fed up with it and although I love him I sometimes think that I will have to be single or combat constant negativity for the rest of my life. If they love us why cant they try not to bring us down every day? I dont know you but if youre like me you really dont ask for much except for him to be a partner and a friend, everything else we can make work.

My short question is how do we explain how sad they make us, and get them to just try to work with us? We are willing to help. I have offered examples and been specific and all I get in return is that I deserve whatever the negative behavior is. Also he will act like nothing happened 15mins after reaming me until I cry. I dont want to just forget about it. I am not a verbal punching bag. If I bring it up he says I am picking fights. What do I do?

Oh fallen is this what happens to you too?


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## Fallen (Sep 21, 2009)

angryandfrustrated, YES. 15 minutes later, i want to talk about it, and he just wants to let it go, like it didnt even happen. basically, everything you said is what im going through too. I want to make peace, and to him im starting the fight right back up. wow, reading your post at least let me know theres another wife thats going through the same thing and feels the same way. he doesnt apologize. i really wish i could express my feelings to my husband without being scared of getting him angry. im starting to distance myself from him more and more when we have these "fights".


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## QuitaBee (Aug 11, 2009)

I know for a fact that a mans inability (or what he feels to be an inability) to provide damages his moods almost always. Men are defined by who they are, how much they make, and what they do. If they feel they aren't providing they can become depressed and angry. BUT, it does not give them the reason to lash out at their spouse who is trying to understand what their going through and trying to make things better. How a man deals with his anger is up to him. Name calling, blaming, yelling, cursing all of these things are unnecessary and though I've been guilty of doing those things I know I have no RIGHT to display that kind of behavior. Fallen I know how it feels to have knots in your stomach and tip toeing, walking on egg shells and doing everything you can NOT to make your husband mad. the truth is with some ppl it doesn't matter, they will always find something to complain about or get upset over.

Talk to him and make sure he understands no matter WHAT he may be going through you have the RIGHT to be respected. How he handles handles his anger is up to him. It didnt work for me because my husband didnt think he was wrong and still doesn't but it's worked for others!


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## angryandfrustrated (Sep 12, 2009)

Are we wrong for needing apologies? Should we except a following positive behavior as an apology? I just feel like I cant let go like I should be able to, but at the same time I feel like I deserve an apology. What are everyone's opinions on that?


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## QuitaBee (Aug 11, 2009)

angryandfrustrated said:


> Are we wrong for needing apologies? Should we except a following positive behavior as an apology? I just feel like I cant let go like I should be able to, but at the same time I feel like I deserve an apology. What are everyone's opinions on that?



I dont think anyone is wrong for needing an apology. An apology is just someone recognizing their wrongs and coming to terms with the mistake that they made. In relationships people need affirmation that their concerns were or are valid.


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## 20yrs (Sep 18, 2009)

angryandfrustrated said:


> Are we wrong for needing apologies? Should we except a following positive behavior as an apology? I just feel like I cant let go like I should be able to, but at the same time I feel like I deserve an apology. What are everyone's opinions on that?


No, you are not wrong in needing an apology, but hanging onto the need for him apologizing to you will only make YOU more miserable as he is _over it _already.

It's really hard to just let it go, but it is more healthy for us. We just simply can not change someone else and the harder we try the worse it gets, so my advice is to try to let it go and watch for a chance when you can talk to him about it, preferable not right after a blowup, where you can tell him how it makes you feel without getting all uptight and crying.

I think men often avoid these conversations because they don't know what to do with our emotions. They are just wired so differently that we are.

I have noticed that even when the guys at work where my H works get into a fight, they just all _get over it _and its the end of the story...and I honestly think it's because that is how men operate as a whole.


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## angryandfrustrated (Sep 12, 2009)

Thanks for the advice girls. How are things today fallen? 

My husband has blown up at me a couple times. The first time I told him it hurt my feelings that he handed me the baby as soon as I walked in the door and then went to mess around on his lap top in the bedroom. We have a PC in the family room and I would have liked to talk to him. He got really mad when I said my feelings were a bit hurt. I let it go and a couple hours later when I was mid sentence he stopped me with a supper suggestion. I just sort of looked at him. When he asked me if that wasnt what I wanted to cook, I told him that would be fine for supper, but that he had interrupted me in the middle of a sentence. He got even more angry then. He shoved a table, and spun around to his computer. I asked him why he was angry and he said that I wasnt even talking when he started. I said that I was describing a woman named Janet and he said that I hadnt even mentioned her that I must have been just thinking about her. I am so frustrated with him already today!


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