# Is it over?



## llama23 (Feb 15, 2009)

How do i no if my marriage is over we are both young with a little boy been married for 2yrs we have had our problems as everyone has but it fells as if the spark that kept us together has gone and we are only staying together as it is our comfort zone HELP any advice would be great.
Thanks 
arron


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Have you and your spouse discussed the current condition of your marriage? If you can't talk about fixing it, I can guarantee that talking about ending it will be a whole lot uglier.

You and your wife are going to be connected through your son for the rest of your life, married or not. I would recommend that you and she do some work _together_ before choosing to simply ignore things until open resentment and hostility take the stage and make the decision for you.


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## broo (Feb 17, 2009)

You haven't even begun to be married. In a relationship there are about 5 years of "newness". This is a physiological response to the other person. You are still in the newness phase. 
The first 3 or so years of a marriage involve constant complex negotiations since you now are forced to choose between sacrificing yourself and your spouse, whenever there are differences. 
After 2-3 years an equilibrium is reached. It is not usually a happy one, but physiological attraction can usually overcome most fights.
At 5 years the physiological "newness" wears off. At this point marriages tend to go into decline. This is especially true if one of the partners is either too demanding or too quiet to get their minimum needs met.
At 7 years the marriage is nearing despair. The partners are more distant, involved in individual activities. Their eyes start to wander and they often become involved in physical, emotional, or electronic affairs. 
At this point 3 things might happen. 1-divorce, 2-unhappy stassis, or 3-one of the partners decides to take command of the marriage, and they realize that they must make constant and permanent effort to create the feelings in the marriage that used to exist because of hormonal "newness". It only takes one partner, and only one partner will ever do this. The other partner will reciprocate and strive more because they feel that love and affection, but they will always be the taker.

Remember that if you divorce, you will repeat the entire process with a new spouse. Divorcers tend to divorce frequently because they cannot master this process. Just look at the statistics. In the U.S., 60% of marriages fail, but 75% of 1st-time marriages succeed until the death of one spouse. This means that people like Larry King and Liz Taylor radically alter the statistics. 

You heard that right. Only 1 in 4 first time marriages fail. The other 75% have at least one partner willing to take the lead and make the marriage work.

If you divorce, you are likely to become a life long divorcer that cannot make the necessary changes to create their own hapiness. You are likely to face the exact same feelings you have now in every future relationship. Not to mention the permanent destruction you will place on your child.


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## DCBob (Feb 20, 2009)

broo said:


> You haven't even begun to be married. In a relationship there are about 5 years of "newness". This is a physiological response to the other person. You are still in the newness phase.
> The first 3 or so years of a marriage involve constant complex negotiations since you now are forced to choose between sacrificing yourself and your spouse, whenever there are differences.
> After 2-3 years an equilibrium is reached. It is not usually a happy one, but physiological attraction can usually overcome most fights.
> At 5 years the physiological "newness" wears off. At this point marriages tend to go into decline. This is especially true if one of the partners is either too demanding or too quiet to get their minimum needs met.
> ...


That is an intriguing analysis of marriage. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

then if the spark has gone, you start over with eachother and do it again and again and again in a relationship.
you sound like you stopped holding hands, taking life for granted. taking your marriage for granted.
but you have a new baby and no doubt you havent gone out with eachother, sex a little on the down side. feeling lonely, every marriage has those feelings.
you wana make your marriage work, you have to keep communicating and changing with given circumstances. 
you dont give up at the first hurdle. 
your marriage is worth more than that.


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## TGolbus (Nov 3, 2008)

DC Bob - Good post!

I agree that 2 years is still way early. Also, a marriage isn't kept to gether by a spark.
Figure out what you mean. Is communicaiton bad? Are you not happy with each other? Is Sex not what it should be? etc....then you get an area to focus on.
How often do you talk? Really talk and understand how much your spouce has changed since you were dating.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

> Originally posted by broo: You heard that right. Only 1 in 4 first time marriages fail. The other 75% have at least one partner willing to take the lead and make the marriage work.


And 85% of those willing to take the lead and and make the marriage work end up jaded, bitter and unfulfilled.


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## Kyle (Feb 26, 2009)

Broo seems to have summed it up.


I would like to add my own theory. 
Too many people take the 'until death do us part' vow like nothing can ever change that. 
Ever hear of people 'letting themselves go' after marriage. They take the others for granted. 

Every therapist all say that communication is key. Compromise is key. 
Most of the time when your feeling angry or confused or frustrated in a marriage the answer is very simple if you would just tell your spouse about it. 
This is where the stereotypes about men and women come from.

Men are always quiet and don't talk about their feelings.
Women are always nagging and complaining. 

The truth is men don't know how to talk about their feelings so they stay quiet.
Women don't' know how to talk about their feelings so they explode. 
Then what happens? divorce.


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