# Question for the women, from a woman..



## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Ok so my husband and I have been having issues on romance, emotional intimacy, (not sex)... 
I had suggested to him and asked him, as I have done this myself, that it would be cool if he let me know a song that makes him think about me. He said what I am supposed to do post it on fb? I said no, you could text it to me. Well he waits a few days and then posts a couple songs on fb, logged in as me (my page auto loads on the house computer) and they were older country songs and not something he would listen to. What I post to him (or tell him about) are fairly new and his preferred genre of music... so the specific songs get me thinking... and I go looking on the pc and see he googled "most romantic country songs"..... so to me, this says he put narry a thought into a recent song, and instead picked two of the easiest and most popular country songs (again older) and posted them on my facebook as though I had posted them myself.... so that left me puzzeled. Should I be thankful for the effort made, sure, but he took the easy way out so that leaves me feeling like it didn't matter to him. (I have by the way lead by example on this). 
Would anyone else be bothered a bit by this? While I appreciate the gesture, and later he said have you logged on fb, I said actually you were on while I was on at work and it popped up like I had posted them. He goes yea I know, and kinda laughs it off... I told him I thought it was weird he posted from my own profile, and he says no, it's fine. 
Used to be he would say if a song came on the radio, oh I love this, makes me think of you... etc... not so much anymore... 
I am just wondering how other women would percieve this, honestly, let's say you made this request of your hubs, because he wanted suggestions on something he could do to be more romantic, connect with you, etc, and he goes about it in this manner.


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## belleoftheball (May 16, 2013)

That is honestly a hard one to answer. If I were in your shoes and what you described happened to me, than this is what I would do. I would just explain to my husband how I felt, kind of like you did here. I would do it in a calmly manner and ask him to pick something that is from his genre of music that he likes and listens to and hears everyday. Something that comes on the radio and that makes him instantly say that is my wife and tell him instead of posting it to my fb to post it to his, but dedicate it to me.


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

You are trying to make him into a romantic person in a romance novel, clearly he is not built that way. What did you think would happen when you made that request? You do know your husband, no?


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

LoriC said:


> You are trying to make him into a romantic person in a romance novel, clearly he is not built that way. What did you think would happen when you made that request? You do know your husband, no?


What if she's not a sexual person?


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## eyuop (Apr 7, 2013)

*LittleDeer* said:


> What if she's not a sexual person?


There are lots of those, too.  

From what I have learned, good relationships (meaning people giving to each other for the purpose of seeing the other really thrive) produce both romantic feelings and sexual feelings. When people work on bettering themselves first (body, mind, spirit) and also improving their love life (learning their SOs love language, focusing on improving communication, giving more selflessly, etc.) both the romance and sex happen without much effort at all.

So far I'm in stage one, with a little into stage two. I'm improving myself and I'm learning about her love language and how to show her love better through speaking words of affirmation and communicating with her on a deeper level. I've ditched porn (it is a distraction) and I'm going down the path toward a better life with her and my kids -- being the husband and dad I need to be.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

He was the most romantic man I had ever dated when we were dating and into our early years of marriage. (On the sex thing, I was a wild one, children, hormones or whatever, made that backslide a bit) I have dramatically changed in the last year, but now I am starting to not feel it as much and I realized why... his effort isn't there... for the person who asked about do I know my husband. YES his love language is physical.


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## keepsmiling (Nov 20, 2012)

Hmm, I was just thinking what about love languages when you said that. We all know we put our best, most romantic face on when courting. Clearly if his language is physical, posting a lovely song for you is not really up his street. I know you want to think he's taking the mick and not taking your request seriously, but please consider that whatever he did before, he did to get you, and maybe it never came naturally to him. I would say appreciate the effort, but you can't expect perfect execution as none of us are perfect. I hope this helps.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Your husband dropped the ball. I suggest reading the love languages book together.
Let him know that to stay connected you both have to put the effort in.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

IMO, a romantic gesture is only romantic if it is genuine. Giving your H hints is a good thing, but I think asking him to choose a song that reminded him of you possibly put him on the spot...

I agree with the poster who suggested the 5 Love Languages, and it might be worth doing the quiz with your H. Home | The 5 Love Languages®


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Okay, you asked for honesty.
I will admit I would be stung by the way it was done.

It would take me conflabbing with my "safe" person to understand that.... people change over the years. Both of you. And I would be warned to not focus on how things were, but to focus instead on learning to read the romantic gestures that are given. 

Only because in not looking forward, I'm missing the big picture. Looking for a small round peg. When there is a large square one being offered. And that would start me thinking... If I had changed, then of course the gestures would change too! What's being offered is a match to me. Today. So maybe I'm just pining for the younger romantic version of me. 

But this would all come AFTER I stewed about it for a day or so.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

The way I see it is you asked your H to do something. * He did it* in his own way, which is not the way you would do it and so your annoyed with him.

Seems a tad picky to me.

I'm not a song person...hardly ever even notice the words in a song. I like music but not in a big way. I certainly don't think of anyone in particular when i hear a song.

So I'd struggle with this 'task' if my H wanted me to do this. He on the other hand knows the words to loads of music and has lots of favorites...

But I understand it was the level of effort he put in that bothers you... you should voice this. 

I just wouldn't make too big of a deal about it myself.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

waiwera said:


> The way I see it is you asked your H to do something. * He did it* in his own way, which is not the way you would do it and so your annoyed with him.
> 
> Seems a tad picky to me.
> 
> ...


I get what you are saying, but he is totally a musical person.... but that is why I posted here for opinions like yours  I am not making a big deal and in fact not going to say anything about it at all. I already thanked him for the gesture and told him it meant a lot to me (before i realized how he did it) But as you and another person mentioned, the genuine-ness (if that is a word) of his romatic gestures are gone... I posted in the mens forum for signs to watch when a man is no longer in love. I think my hubs might be on the fence... which surprises me because I have done everything he asked over the last year and a half... I'm just wondering if what he asked for isn't what he really wanted... or maybe things were lost in the translation (sort of like my request was of him) If that makes sense... 

So I am going to start anew, not make the requests and just watch and see what he does with the information I have already provided him and see if he really wants to put his heart back in it or not.


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