# Cheating Wife



## mugel7 (Feb 6, 2011)

Well I have joined a club I would have never voluntarily done.
To make a long story short, I am a young 60 year old no one beleives by age I am in good shape and eat well and rarely ever drink. I will be married 40 years in June. Yes got married very young! My wife is attractive for her age (58) but overweight which has never bothered me. In March of 2010 I had prostate cancer surgery. The surgery went well all test since then are good, but to say that I was not devastated is an understatement. Before the surgery we were very sexually active. I thought we were both happy. The recovery took a bit of time but I was lucky enough to maintain my potency. Of course Viagra was prescribe and with the use thereof I am the same as before. If any man on here has ever taken Viagra; there are some side effects. I was certainly willing to suffer the mild side effect to satisfy my wife. Well for the last 8 months or more I would always say "let me know if you want me to take a Viagra" She has to this day never asked me to take one. I guess I thought she was no longer interested considering her age. Lets get to the chase. This past Tuesday I received our cell phone bill and since it was more expensive than normal I had pulled up the usage detail. There were two calls to a nearby state which I didn't recognize. I normally call my wife in the morning to give her a wake up call for work. I go in much earlier than her. I asked her about the phone numbers and she said, "what are you checking my calls". I explained why I had looked at the bill. She then said it was someone that we both knew but hadn't seen in 2 years. None of us were close. I said oh what were you calling him for. She said she had been having a sexual affair with him since September and was just at my house Monday 2/1 before she went to work and they had sex. Well I was at work, nearly went beserk and was yelling at the top of my lungs to determine why this happened.
I left work since I was a basket case and went home. That night when she came home I tried to talk calmly no yelling or anything. She said it was just sex, she had no emotional feelings for him and that she would call him in front of me and tell him she would not be seeing him again. She went through with the call but reached his answering machine. She told him it was over and she had no idea how devastated I was over it.
It has been quiet since with us talking out the details. I told her I virtually begged for the last 8 months for sex and only had it once or twice. I told her how could she have him over first thing in the morning when I never was offered morning sex before my hectic workday. She said it was the only time they were both available to meet. I am numb, she refused to see a marriage councilor and swears it will never happen again. I have a hard time believing her. Oh by the way they had unprotected sex! As I said I hardly no this guy. Obviously she does. She said we would work on the sex part of our relationship. What's there to work on, I have always been ready. She almost acts like nothing happened currently she is watching a comedy on TV and laughing. I can't laugh but can cry which I have done. Where do I turn? I don't want to end a long term marriage we have two adult children and 5 grandchildren. Oh another funny thing she said when I was trying to find out what I did wrong and how could I correct anything to make this work. She said several weeks ago someone at work had offered her a puppy and I flat out said no. We have had our share of pets over the years and I don't want any ties with a pup when we both work full time. She said that made her mad. Well so go f--k some one else over such a trivial matter. I sure could use some advice. Right now I feel like sh-t. Anyone please help me move on or suggest how I deal with this


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Sorry you are here under these circumstances. You have to be calm and clinical. Do not threaten or cajole her. 

For her to demonstrate how serious she is, she hand writes a no contact letter to the OM ( other man) sample below.

Sample No Contact Letters

You then send it certified post to him and a copy via text message. 

She may say no, ensure she understands that this is for you to help recover from her deceit. She may decline do not force her she should do this willingly. 

Do not believe she called his real number it may be a preplanned number with his voice mail at the end. Check the details against the bill. 

Book an doctors appointment for her to have an STD check , use her normal doctor, then you confirm the appointment with her. 

You find the details of the OM, is he married, has children etc..

You let his wife and children know he is having an affair with your wife. Do not mince the words if you need some words post and they will be provided. This is not revenge this is the recommended process by Harley from marriagebuilders.com

Do not believe a word your wife says,about it being over, she will lie. Your wife seems rather secure to be sitting laughing at the TV after committing adultery. You have to be absolutely certain this is over before you start trying to recover the marriage. 

One of the recommended steps is to tell your children of the affair. There are other steps to follow I suggest you read the articles under the MB site.

Articles


and affaircare site

Articles

Many will tell you not to tell your children and leave things as they are.. I am advocating a processes set out by Harley to ensure the affair is over and the marriage can recover that include you being able to recover.

Buy the following book:

Surviving an Affair by Harley... both of you must read this.. 

If she had sex in your marital bed,or guest bed etc.it is a trigger for you, dump it and all the bedding and she can help get rid of it. You must not have the triggers in your house. 

Check your accounts are secure and no moneys have been moved out. 

What I can't get from your post , did she show remorse, cry etc..

For now be very strong for yourself. Post regularly and ask any questions.


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## mugel7 (Feb 6, 2011)

She said he is not married and as I remember he is not.
I would have no idea how to find his address. That is a good idea because I was tempted to call him. Would that be the wrong thing to do. I can't believe she did this after I had two cancers within 2 years and survived both with good reports everytime I go in for follow-up. 
I don't feel like going to work or anything although I know I have to. I have a very good job and great salary so I can't mess that up. I work 30 minutes from home so can't just pop in and check up on her. 
Thanks for the feedback. I was thinking of getting tested by my Dr. also. Any problem with that?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Re read my post above I was making changes while you posted. 



> I was thinking of getting tested by my Dr. also. Any problem with that?


Yes , ensure she knows you are going in as well.



> I work 30 minutes from home so can't just pop in and check up on her


You won't have to if you tell your children and ensure the OM is out of the picture. Ask the neighbors to let you know if someone come to your house. Do not be shy your wife is proud to have had the affair she should be doing everything to recover the marriage and trust. 

Your wife must know where he stays, she won't just have his phone number. Are you in the US? There are web sites that can be used to track his address down.



> Did she show remorse when you were talking


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## jem5 (Feb 6, 2011)

As a wife who has cheated, by downplaying it there is obviously some issue you havent addressed in the marriage. You need to work out whatever that is otherwise it will happen again. She did it for a reason. I did not intentionally want to hurt my husband but later realized how I had felt so taken for granted in my marriage and how having someone else give me attention made me feel appreciated for once in a long time. You need couples therapy and get to those issues before it snowballs. I certainly was not nonchalant about it and for her to be so carefree seems very cruel.
Hope that helps.


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## mugel7 (Feb 6, 2011)

Yes we are in the US east coast.
When were talking she said she was so sorry to have hurt me.
She was tearful. I asked her why she would have confessed that to me over the phone when I was at work. She said she had never called him from her cell phone and that was the first time. I have checked old bills and that checks out. She said she thinks she wanted me to catch her. She was brutally honest. I can't imagine why she would admit to it so readily instead of lying and maybe say they just were talking.
I was amazed she told me to be honest. Don't most people try and lie when they are caught?
Should I not call him?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

From what you have written she sounds like she may have wanted to get this over with. Her current behavior may also be one of lets forget and move on quickly.

The NC letter will help you and confirm her remorse and willingness to recover the marriage. 



> Should I not call him?


Do you have the constitution to rage against him? if you do then do so, be clear with your words and say what needs to be said.

A better way is to track down those that affect him, children, siblings etc and send out the note. 

I will post the sites to use to locate his address.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Your wife has a lot to lose , I suspect she realized this once you questioned her and she was not fully aware of what you knew.

You need more info like how did this start, how did they first hook up etc.. only you can decide how much information you want and when to stop as it is time to move on.


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## jem5 (Feb 6, 2011)

If they care about you, they will tell the truth. Honestly some women do want to get caught. Its actually a cry for attention. Shes drawing attention to an issue even if she isnt aware of it. Please please make her go to a marriage councelor. Biggest mistake i've made is not making him go with me right then and there. Men tend have a sortof embarrassment when it comes to the wife cheating and dont want to tell other people. Do not simply forgive her and try to pretend it didnt happen. Even if she thinks she wont cheat again, she knows she can. She might actually have a drop in respect towards you for letting her off too easy.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Try these 

peekyou.com

peoplesmart.com

Spokeo.com

There are others as well if these do not yield the information let me know and I I will find them for you. You enter the mobile number and they reverse lookup the address for you. There is normally a small fee associated.

Read the articles on the sites I gave you, you may have closed the affair down already. Once you are certain it is time to focus on rebuilding.


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## mugel7 (Feb 6, 2011)

Thats a very interesting perspective. I just mentioned to her that she was really enjoying that TV show laughing etc. She seemed to get pissed. I don't want her in a corner crying but I feel very empty confused and I don't know what else.
I know I am not perfect but I feel like I was the perfect husband. I always left her little love notes on the kitchen counter when I went to work, scraped the ice and snow off her car so she didn't have to do it. A couple weeks ago, I mentioned that since surgery, I could not get my wedding band back on. I said since we are having a big anniversary in June why don't we get new ones. She didn't say much but suddenly yesterday when I brought it up again she said she couldn't get hers on either! What did she take it off for??? I had surgery and CAT scans often so I had an excuse she didn't.
She want to be intimate. Should I have sex with her? I am so confused and don't want to make mistakes here. She will not got to therapy at all I went to someone the day she told me because I thought I was going to have a breakdown. I have another appt. on Tuesday not sure how much I can get out of it alone.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> She want to be intimate. Should I have sex with her?


Your answer to her is you you want to make love to her however as she has had unprotected sex with a single man who is probably having sex with a number of woman both of you must have an STD test. You are included as she may have lied about when she started sleeping with the OM.

Do not be a doormat to her be firm , set the boundaries and stick to them, if you want her to call you when she leaves for work she calls you. This is one of the boundaries she has to follow to earn your trust back. She should do everything to earn your trust. 

She can be pissed , she had the affair YOU are the only one who has the right to be pissed. She is trying to sweep this under the carpet, do not let her. 

Check where her wedding band is and see if it fits her, if it fits there is a likelihood she had it off for the OM.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

It is not always required to go to therapy , I would however insist she read the book "surviving an Affair " as should you , then you can both work on a recovery together. 

You will be raw at the moment. Keep vigilant and do not assume the affair is over until you have taken enough steps for you to be satisfied and evidence it is over. 

The voice mail is an old tick of affair people, call the number and check if he answers. Block your sender ID if you do not want to talk to him. If it is voice mail again I would be suspicions.


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## jem5 (Feb 6, 2011)

Thats very strange. The morning after I cheated on my husband I told him and he wanted to have sex. I was baffled. Made no sense to me.


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## jem5 (Feb 6, 2011)

Maybe she is trying to make up for it? You said its been awhile right?


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## mugel7 (Feb 6, 2011)

Yes its was probably a month ago.
Part of me want to have sex with her and make her toes curl but another part of me thinks about another guys you know what in her. I wonder if he was better, bigger, everything that a man might wonder.
How long ago did this happen with you? Have you stayed faithful? Do you ever thing of the other guy? Do you imagine having sex with him when you and your husband are doing it?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Keep a close eye on her, Remember breaking up is hard to do, she is addicted, she may not tell you but there may some feeling there, the OM may not except the break up. It may even die down but just until you cool off. 

Here are a few ways you can confirm her recommitment;
1. a voice activeated recorder,place in her car 
2. cameras in side the home say at the front door and living room. deffinetly in the bed room.
3.GPS in her car or cell phone, this will verify if she is now going to his house.
4. keylogger and other sofware con tract her text and emails.

You have his phone # you can to a reverse look up and get alot of his info. If you have his name even better.

In my experience it is a must in verifing that my wife was truely commited to rebuilding the marraige. See if she takes this affair deeper undergruond it will be useless in rebuilding the marraige by your self.

Investigating her activitie confirm her commitment then take the next step.

The NC is important but you your self need to follow up..quitely. Like I said before breaking up is hard to do, even in her mind she wants to work on her marraige there is a chemical in the brain that causes the cheating to be compared to an addiction. 
have you seen any kind of withdrawl, depression in her behavior?

Monday morning will be tuff, going to work know what happened in the past will make you crazy. Having these devises will at least give some comfort that you are not being taken advandage (I hope).

At worst it will give you the proof that you need that she is not commited and until she stops.. the whole rebuilding the marraige for her will be a lie and you then know were you stand.

As far as contacting him, I recommend you also sign the NC letter.
After that the only reason to confront OM is if and only if they continue to contact each other, that would be the next step.

Give your wife the chance with the NC and verify that she has stopped, (hence the spyng equipment) if she has not stopped then you take it to the next level. 

In most cases you will take it to this level so be prepared.."breaking up is hard to do"


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## mugel7 (Feb 6, 2011)

I am not into to going for tons of therapy session.
Especially if she will not go. I will get the books however


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

The thoughts you have are normal for a betrayed spouse, you have to overcome them. 

If you want to have sex then do so but not if you are uncomfortable. You have to be ready . Some initiate sex as soon as to help return the marriage back normal 

Go for the STD check ASAP and take your wife with. This is a zero option for her.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I had sex right away, let me tell you I had my game face on.See I felt I was in compitition and made sure I could be better then th OM.
I also felt it helped us reconnect. I felt I didn't want another road block between us. 
I had to show her I still had it in me and I wasn't going to let some swinging d*ck out do me. 
As bad as this may sound I also felt I had to....restake my claim. 

wierd I know, thats just how I'm wired I quess..


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

E- makes a good point, I believe that would be one of the consequences of her affair.

My case was differant, we always had sex even during her affairs, so was already screwed. Thank God I,m not. Plus her tubes weren't tied so condoms were a most, so she says.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Do make sure you can evidence the affair is over, your wife and the affair man may have a secure code or other means of letting each other know when is is safe to answer the call. Call your children together and tell them of the affair, it is one of the ways of future proofing your marriage to the affair continuing.

What is at the back of my mind is she rolled over very easily and while it may be true I would absolutely make every effort to ensure the affair is dead. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mugel7 (Feb 6, 2011)

Yea I have no idea what he was like in bed all I know I am in better shape physically and always am a long laster.
One thing she said when prompting more info was that it was over in a few minutes. Why take hamburger when she had steak someone who worshiped the ground she walked on.
Part of me would life to pay her back with sex with another but I don't even know anyone I'd be interested in. Bad idea I know.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I personaly won't bring the kids in enles the A continued. 
There is a certain degree of consequence she must face ie lack of privacy, STD test, if it is proven that she went cold turkey, but if it continues... save these higher degree of consequence for that time ie. exposing the A to family, friends, and employers.


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## mugel7 (Feb 6, 2011)

I really don't want the kids involved for some reason right now.
My kids are adults raising small kids my daughter is having a rough time financially this is the last thing she needs.
I feel it is my problem, my wifes problem.
She seems to think all is well but I just told her she has a lot of work to do to earn my trust back she had a strange look on her face but said yes I know.
My concern now is STD test including HIV. She said he was shaved pubes which to me means he plays sorry I am old fashioned trimmed is OK. I hope he did not give her and me something! Now I have to tell my female Dr. who is great but I hate to tell her but have to.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Don't worry in this day of age with infidelity running like wild fire, (thanks FB) your docter sees this kind of thing more then you would think. Believe me, they won't even look twice, for them its just another day.


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## Wolf359 (Jun 10, 2010)

the guy said:


> Keep a close eye on her, Remember breaking up is hard to do, she is addicted, she may not tell you but there may some feeling there, the OM may not except the break up. It may even die down but just until you cool off.
> 
> Here are a few ways you can confirm her recommitment;
> 1. a voice activeated recorder,place in her car
> ...


I agree :iagree::iagree::iagree:


You need to do surveillance on her for about 6 months. You have to have at the min 1 camera on the inside. Call a pro in for this. I would GPS her car. about $ 300 - 400 ask the pro in your area. If money is a problem you will need help from friends and family. I first would put software on her computer that will take a screen shot every 30 secs, to 5 min, you set it up. That way you can check her out every day, what she is doing. Do not tell her, that you have done this at all, even if you found something. You will need info for a long time, so do not show your cards.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

mugel7 said:


> Yea I have no idea what he was like in bed all I know I am in better shape physically and always am a long laster.
> One thing she said when prompting more info was that it was over in a few minutes. Why take hamburger when she had steak someone who worshiped the ground she walked on.
> Part of me would life to pay her back with sex with another but I don't even know anyone I'd be interested in. Bad idea I know.


Cheaters will always lie our experiences. Of course you were better, we didn't do this or that, it was over in minutes etc...

While the truth will be, she rocked my world, the sex lasted from 10Pm all the way until 6AM with a couple of breaks in between. She could suck a 2 ton truck through a garden hose, we did it every which position we could from the bedroom to the livingroom, into the bathtub, back to the bedroom, in the bed, against the wall, over the table, under the table, over the counter, next to the window that was open, etc...

What I said to my wife, the sex was just ok, nothing special.....

BTW, never ask for details unless you're ready to hear the entire truth without getting gutted like a pig.


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## mugel7 (Feb 6, 2011)

True I don't need every inch of the details (pun)
She acts like nothing ever happened laughing a TV shows etc.
I am dying a slow death thinking of his c__k in her.
Driving me nuts.
She has yet to try and be intimate. I intitiated contact. I didn't feel she was with me but thinking of him, she was too different. I am seeing the Dr. next week to be tested.
In the meantime I am in limbo. She says she is not talking about it anymore. Thanks to someones recommendations on here, I have found his name and address from his phone number.
I doubt she would send a letter. I have not mentioned it yet.
As for all the devises, I am lucky to afford it but she does not use the computer and he meets here. The idea of a recording device to take pictures inside sounds like a plan to me.
Anyway thanks everyone. Keep the hard advise coming.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

mugel7 said:


> True I don't need every inch of the details (pun)
> She acts like nothing ever happened laughing a TV shows etc.
> I am dying a slow death thinking of his c__k in her.
> Driving me nuts.
> ...


About the name and address thing..... wait until you calm down. I made the mistake of contacting the OM within a few days of finding out. I was quite upset and made some threats.... all followed by a visit from the police. He called them shortly after.


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## jem5 (Feb 6, 2011)

mugel7 said:


> Yes its was probably a month ago.
> Part of me want to have sex with her and make her toes curl but another part of me thinks about another guys you know what in her. I wonder if he was better, bigger, everything that a man might wonder.
> How long ago did this happen with you? Have you stayed faithful? Do you ever thing of the other guy? Do you imagine having sex with him when you and your husband are doing it?


I think that "the guy" is right. I think my husband felt like he was in competition and thats why he wanted to have sex with me right after?? It happened recently. I try to avoid the OM as much as possible but we live close by so thats inevitable. Awkward everytime I bump into him. My husband had those same questions and it made me cringe to answer some of them. Does a man always want to know how big another guy is?? lol. And yeah i think that even if you arent emotionally invested in the OM or OW you still tend to think of them every now and then because you did get intimate with them. Women actually have a bonding chemical that kindof activates with someone they have sex with. But NO I DO NOT IMAGINE THE OTHER MAN WHEN IM WITH MY HUSBAND.


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## jem5 (Feb 6, 2011)

cheatinghubby said:


> Cheaters will always lie our experiences. Of course you were better, we didn't do this or that, it was over in minutes etc...
> 
> While the truth will be, she rocked my world, the sex lasted from 10Pm all the way until 6AM with a couple of breaks in between. She could suck a 2 ton truck through a garden hose, we did it every which position we could from the bedroom to the livingroom, into the bathtub, back to the bedroom, in the bed, against the wall, over the table, under the table, over the counter, next to the window that was open, etc...
> 
> ...


HAHA OMG ur so right!! They should never ask because they dont want to hear the answer!! Thats not something Id wanna know either. I think girls just wanna know if the OW was prettier than they were lol.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

And if I were into revenge sex the answer would be "great breasts, hard body that squeezed me in ways you never could and a goddess!"

But I'm not - I wouldn't stoop to that level. 
Mugel7 - all I can tell you based on the WSs that have posted is that they never thought about their loyal spouses and the effect it would have on them. It was a selfish act for their own satisfaction justified with blame for something the spouse did or did not do. There is no real justification for not going to your LS and talking out the problems even if means you have go to an MC. My wife painted me with a very black brush while still in the fog - you think I was the most horrible husband, father and provider in the world. Now that we are reconciling she tells me that is not how she feels today. She can't explain on how she could hate me enough to do it and then come back to me over and over. In my case - 26 years married, 20 years cheating - 2 men in the first two while we were in marriage counseling and then a "friend" of mine for 18 years. I must be crazy but I still love her. She has apologized repeatedly to me and thanked me for "saving her". She too did not want to go into the A info with me until we went to an MC. The MC did caution me not to go too deep because it would just create additional triggers later.

A book I thought better than Harley's was NOT "Just friends" by Shirley P. Glass pHD. Harley's book is good. Glass book is more in depth.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Jem5 - please look up my last thread. I would like your comments and feelings.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

jem5 said:


> Thats very strange. The morning after I cheated on my husband I told him and he wanted to have sex. I was baffled. Made no sense to me.


It's called sperm warfare and the purpose is so that your husbands sperm can immediately try and defeat the lovers.

It's also very common that the woman tries to have both lover and husbands sperm inside her at the same time. You were probably very sexually excited both with your lover and husband.


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