# Ugggg extra long vent



## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

I literally just copied what I sent to a friend because I can't even say the words again. For 16 years I literally took care of everything and everyone. My husband comes over to see that I have the girls rooms emptied, the rest of the house clean and me working my a$$ of doing things that he has NEVER done in the year I said f*ck it and told him to do it and this is what happened. 

I haven't slept or sat down or had a moment to myself today and Steve had the NERVE to say "now you know how I felt" ummmm I did this plus everything else For 17 years til I got fed up LAST year and he took the kids to school, cleaned the kitchen once a week, and occasionally paid the bills.

I have the girls rooms torn apart and the dog brushed EVERY DAY house clean EVERY DAY. Floors and bathrooms scrubbed and he NEVER took on an eighth of responsibility that I have for 16 ****ING YEARS and has the NERVE to say "now you know how I feel" and I am sleep deprived, in pain 24/7 and I don't know what it's like to keep a house, my kids, 12 others, cook meals, pay the bills. Get kids where they needed to be. Shopped for scho supplies, clothes, groceries, dr visits, have them in bed talking all night..... No... I don't ****ing know what it's like. So to add salt and a twisting FORK to that wound... I ask him to order the girl's phones and tell him 2 Galaxy 6's on the edge plan as my livingroom is looking like a big closet, and he says he's tired and wants to go rest before his meeting tonight so I should do it.
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## Froggi (Sep 10, 2014)

Get a job and leave his sorry butt.

If you don't want to be that drastic, then stop doing a damn thing for him. No meals, laundry, nothing.

Tell him exactly why his bullzhit comments are wrong.


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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

Froggi said:


> Get a job and leave his sorry butt.
> 
> If you don't want to be that drastic, then stop doing a damn thing for him. No meals, laundry, nothing.
> 
> Tell him exactly why his bullzhit comments are wrong.


He has been gone almost a month after he beat me up and stopped by today because he picked up my daughter and stayed but I JUST asked him to order their phones and he had to go cause he was tired. I have slaved in this house and outside. And that was just NOT what I wanted to hear after no sleep or food and on my feet all day with my body killing me and he couldn't order two phones. One call. 10 minutes.
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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

AFA...

I would love to respond to your post-of-the-day, but you simply have too many threads to keep it all straight. It's very difficult to keep up with the whole story, so to speak.

Not to be mean but WHY do you continuously start new threads??

It is impossible to offer advice without a cohesive beginning, middle, and end.

I'm out. Sorry. Best of luck.

P.S. I actually have a lot of insight about your sitch and would like to comment, but I just can't muster up the energy to dig through multiple threads to uncover the whole story...

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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> AFA...
> 
> I would love to respond to your post-of-the-day, but you simply have too many threads to keep it all straight. It's very difficult to keep up with the whole story, so to speak.
> 
> ...


I didn't know where to put this. I see some ppl have a link that says "my story" I don't want to take a thread off topic because I don't want it deleted so I keep them in this section except for when I first started. The rules make it seem as if each topic needs its own thread
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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

Froggi said:


> Get a job and leave his sorry butt.
> 
> If you don't want to be that drastic, then stop doing a damn thing for him. No meals, laundry, nothing.
> 
> Tell him exactly why his bullzhit comments are wrong.


Do you think I am sitting around doing nothing about my situation? I have a job but am having a hard time working because I pick my hours and my money is made late at night and I won't leave my girls home alone until 1-2 or later in the morning. But he won't even talk to them let alone watch them so I can work and summer is a big time to make money and it's almost over. Yes, I've told him this. 

I stopped doing things for him when he was still living here over a year ago and dinners were cooked and served before he arrived home and a plate was left for him to warm.

I tried getting out in legal ways by telling mandated reporters how he physically abused me and shared me sexually with other ppl against my will both in real life and online. I told them I wanted those things reported because I couldn't take it anymore but they didn't. I went to the PD and talked to them about what was happening and asked my legal options. Not much until there was an incident. 

He took photos of me dressing without my knowledge or permission which is criminal in my state and distributed those pics to strangers. He took out CL Ads and the one I saw was him arranging a gangbang. I saw his ad and the replies and his replies to those. I e:mailed each of those ppl and told them I was unaware and not a consenting party so they could listen to him but it would be ra*e because it wasn't ok with me. 

I kept trying new therapists and almost begged they report but nothing. The PD wouldn't take a report for something I THOUGHT was going to happen. 

This last time something did happen and the cops only cared that I took his phone. They didn't care about the illegal pics and the beating I took trying to get them deleted. They did tell me next time not to fight back. So if you are insinuating I'm just sitting here letting myself get pushed around, you are very wrong. I am still trying to end this but given nobody would believe me or take the time to look at his txts and threats and the screen prints of the party info and his own admission as well as told me they had no need to document my injuries, what else would you suggest I do? Because I'm flat out of ideas. He is out and that was what I wanted and needed but this is still legally his house and I can't keep him from coming him into the house so.... Have I missed something or do you now see that I am acti
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you gone to an organization that helps victims of domestic violence/abuse?

Do you have a lawyer?

You say that he was at your place today? Do you have a VAR (voice activated recorder) so that if anything happens you have proof?


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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Have you gone to an organization that helps victims of domestic violence/abuse?
> 
> Do you have a lawyer?
> 
> You say that he was at your place today? Do you have a VAR (voice activated recorder) so that if anything happens you have proof?


Yes. I have. Yes I do. And yes I do but what he did was just all I needed to hear at the end of a day like today. It was just rude and showed me just how much more he valued his porn over the things I did for him. He had no clue. Plus I was tired and hungry and while today was hard, I was feeling accomplished and just excited because this was something I have been asking to help me get the girls to do ALL YEAR and he never even tried. It should have been done while he was supposedly taking care of everything and everyone and I have been doing EVERYTHING by myself almost a month with all my pain and it was like in his mind, he was punishing me. And for what? Turning over some of the easier things to him since he had so much time for porn and meeting women and trying to meet men to give me to? I guess he was mad that I cut into that time. At least I know he wasnt what he thinks he was around here. He couldn't discipline the kids without ending up getting down on their level and saying the meanest and most hurtful things to them. That doesn't happen now either. I guess it was bad timing on his part. At least I didn't react in front of him. I need a break and it gets to me when he asks me if I'm going to work and I can't because he won't watch the kids. I need to get hours in tomorrow. I don't think that's happening. And I WANT to work.
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## Sure that could work (Jun 9, 2015)

I'm confused! You say he left, you asked him to leave. But you sound like nothing has changed. You sound like he walked in and you acted like he had just been gone to the grocery store instead of living somewhere else. For all purposes you are a separated woman, right? So you should be handling things on your own and not depending on your separated other for day to day things? 

I realize you said this is a vent, but it also sounds like these are the same vents you have been having for years, right? So is this separation because you think he will come to his senses and start treating you better? It doesn't sound like that is working out for you. 

What exactly do you want? Sounds like he isn't going to change, so then what?


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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

Sure said:


> I'm confused! You say he left, you asked him to leave. But you sound like nothing has changed. You sound like he walked in and you acted like he had just been gone to the grocery store instead of living somewhere else. For all purposes you are a separated woman, right? So you should be handling things on your own and not depending on your separated other for day to day things?
> 
> I realize you said this is a vent, but it also sounds like these are the same vents you have been having for years, right? So is this separation because you think he will come to his senses and start treating you better? It doesn't sound like that is working out for you.
> 
> What exactly do you want? Sounds like he isn't going to change, so then what?


No. He left because he beat me up and the cops made him. He stayed away because he "needed to get sh*t straight in his head. He is SUPPOSED to be taking the kids at least for visits and hasn't said more than 20 words combined to them in a month. 

Legally, he is able to be home and has promised to take care of things like the yard and repairs around the house until a divorce is final. Our things are not all separated and when he left, he took the bills and a check for 3K with him as well as the money in the checking acct and never paid any of the bills and I couldn't just call or pay them until the collection or late notices started coming.

We agreed on new phones for the kids. I told him to call because the acct is his and he should plus I hardly have time for the things I need to do like Doc appts and such. I want to work but the job I have is mainly 3rd shift on the weekends and I can't work if he doesn't at least help with the kids on those nights and I can't work days in the summer, again if he won't be around. 

I DO NOT want him back but I want him to at the very least talk to the kids and as long as he's fine paying the bills, when he decides to pay them, I'll wait til the kids go back to school and get a job during the day. 

So it hasn't been the same thing. He lives less than 10 minutes away and my kids know this and one literally told me she felt she wasn't worthy of being loved by him. What am I supposed to tell her because the truth is not an option. "I'm sorry honey but I tell your dad to txt you and call you and take you out, but he's too tired and needs to sleep" No. That is not happening. I average under three hours of sleep a night and one of my kids has not been sleeping. They are constantly asking about their dad and I tell them I don't know. 

He left as if just walking out took away ANY responsibility and finds reasons to come back that have nothing to do with the kids. He's fighting making this final by saying he will drag the kids through the mud. He has messed my credit up so bad that I can't even rent a decent apartmenent and certain health issues prevent me from doing the maintenance that he has promised to keep up. 

I don't invite him over and whenever he wants to "talk" I keep it outside. Yesterday he didn't want to pick our older daughter up who was literally 5 blocks from his house and when I reminded him that I had the kids 24/7 and the LEAST he could do was pick up his daughter and bring her home, his answer was "What does that have to do with anything?" Ummm it would be different if he was totally gone but I am not going to "drag my kids through the mud" unnecessarily. Again, if he wants to live like this, fine. But he's their dad and needs to either take care of his kids once in a while or give up his rights. Then I can give them the answers they want and we can move on with a divorce that doesn't involve dragging them through the mud.
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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

pistal said:


> Should be easy enough to get a restraining order keeping him away from the house.


I can get a restraining order but we were supposed to be talking about the terms of divorce in a civil way. I was just stupid enough to think he meant that.
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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

pistal said:


> Ok, that didn't work. Now it's plan B. Off to family court with a list of all the abusive things he's done and why you're afraid of him.
> 
> It's time to fight back.
> 
> Your current strategy is failing miserably.


I know. I have everything documented and the ads he took out on CL arranging sexual encounters with groups of ppl. I even have a journal he wrote detailing, but in a watered down way, the things he did as well as current txts that are enough to get a restraining order. 

Divorce is no fault but the things he did to me don't apply to the kids as far as custody and placement. He told me he didn't want placement but I told him papers are almost ready and now he does. He knows I can't afford to keep paying a lawyer for his constantly changing his mind and I think that's what he's trying to do
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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

He is playing games with you, and at the very least, he is completely disrespecting/ignoring your boundaries. He will continue to do this because he "knows" he can get away with it. You're going to have to whack the boy upside his head to wake him up and realize that you're serious. Are you prepared to do that AFA?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Every time you have contact with your H, you get very angry. That's understandable. What is not understandable to me is why you think a restraining order would suddenly make things uncivil in divorce discussions.

That is why you hire an attorney. They do all the discussing for you and they negotiate the terms of a divorce. Quit letting this man into your life. He is nothing more than a catalyst for anger - YOUR anger.

Granted, it will take time for your anger to dissipate, but it will. When you realize you are becoming indifferent to some extent, then you will be able to detach. The opposite of love is not hate; it's indifference.

Perhaps some of your anger is towards yourself for letting this creep abuse and use you for so many years.


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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

MountainRunner said:


> He is playing games with you, and at the very least, he is completely disrespecting/ignoring your boundaries. He will continue to do this because he "knows" he can get away with it. You're going to have to whack the boy upside his head to wake him up and realize that you're serious. Are you prepared to do that AFA?


I feel like I am but I always get afraid. I don't trust him. He's crazy and PPl think he's the best husband to me because he takes care of me because I am "sick and can't take care of myself" he does this to get attn from other women. Obviously I can take care of way more than just myself and have always taken care of everything. I'm just not as quick and usually in pain. But I do it. 

I can just have my lawyer draw up the papers as I think is reasonable and fair but I can't afford to keep having him change things.
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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

AFallenAngel said:


> I feel like I am *but I always get afraid.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And he knows that. You now need to show him a side of you that can, *AND WILL*, stand up to him and draw the line.


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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

MountainRunner said:


> And he knows that. You now need to show him a side of you that can, *AND WILL*, stand up to him and draw the line.


I know. But I get close and I am just afraid but idk of what. I just am.
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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

MR is right AFA. He's still trying to hurt you any way he can.

You need to get as away as far as possible form this monster!


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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

T&T said:


> MR is right AFA. He's still trying to hurt you any way he can.
> 
> You need to get as away as far as possible form this monster!


I know. I've been trying to get up the nerve for years. Im just afraid. What's AFA?
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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

Oh.... Me.... I need sleep
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## Sure that could work (Jun 9, 2015)

How old are your children? Why aren't you scheduling your time at work, texting the father your work schedule and then loading the children up and dropping them off for him on your way to work? 

Not only is he the father and will probably end up with visitation after the divorce but he perhaps needs to see what it takes to actually take care of the children now.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Obviously, you're living by threads. You need to act.

Sit down and google your town and "domestic violence". There WILL be everything from volunteers to experts to shelters available 24/7 in your vicinity. Use them, they know the ropes. If you live in or near a large city, call their police dept and ask if they have a "family violence" unit. The officers that volunteer for these units have no problem getting protective orders, warrants, and people in jail quickly. Even if you're outside their city limits, they could link you to the DA or county sheriff.

Jail is the ONLY thing I've ever seen work successfully. Particularly if the man is someone who likes to pride himself on his image.

If I'm reading your situation correctly, places like this (TAM) may serve as a good outlet, but if you are in crisis, they may also slow you, and misdirect your energies.


T&T said:


> MR is right AFA. He's still trying to hurt you any way he can.


Just a shorthand thing: MR (Mountain Runner); AFA (A Fallen Angel)


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## Froggi (Sep 10, 2014)

Hey I never said you were sitting doing nothing, which is why I said what I did. But feel free to keep assuming.

Good luck.


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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

Sure said:


> How old are your children? Why aren't you scheduling your time at work, texting the father your work schedule and then loading the children up and dropping them off for him on your way to work?
> 
> Not only is he the father and will probably end up with visitation after the divorce but he perhaps needs to see what it takes to actually take care of the children now.


He's never there and could care less if I tell him that. Im just physically and mentally exhausted and probably would be handling this better if I could just get some rest and adequate pain control.
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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

AFallenAngel said:


> He lives less than 10 minutes away and my kids know this and one literally told me she felt she wasn't worthy of being loved by him. What am I supposed to tell her because the truth is not an option.


The truth is ABSOLUTELY an option, and one she needs to hear. She has already started becoming an abuse victim by watching him abuse you, and now SHE sees him having power because he's a man and she's a female. BTDT. 

She NEEDS the truth - that he's a messed up person and while he's her dad, it is HE who doesn't deserve HER. And that you are divorcing him and the kids will be living with you, where they belong, where they can be safe.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

AFallenAngel said:


> He's never there and could care less if I tell him that. Im just physically and mentally exhausted and probably would be handling this better if I could just get some rest and adequate pain control.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Join a local church and ask the church to help you. That's what they're there for.


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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

turnera said:


> The truth is ABSOLUTELY an option, and one she needs to hear. She has already started becoming an abuse victim by watching him abuse you, and now SHE sees him having power because he's a man and she's a female. BTDT.
> 
> She NEEDS the truth - that he's a messed up person and while he's her dad, it is HE who doesn't deserve HER. And that you are divorcing him and the kids will be living with you, where they belong, where they can be safe.


I'm just afraid anything I say will be misconstrued in court.
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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

Froggi said:


> Hey I never said you were sitting doing nothing, which is why I said what I did. But feel free to keep assuming.
> 
> Good luck.


I apologize. When I read "get a job and leave" that's something I have been told many times. I can make enough money if I work the peak times but he just assumes he will do that and since I started trying to step into the water and at least get help dealing with what he did to me, I was told I was overreacting or that they didn't see my husband doing that and I must have said or done something to make him think it was ok. I'm always on the defensive and am sorry I made that assumption with you especially since I don't know you.
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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

AFallenAngel said:


> I'm just afraid anything I say will be misconstrued in court.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He can't do anything to you about that. Tell them the truth.


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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

turnera said:


> He can't do anything to you about that. Tell them the truth.


I'm just so afraid. Nobody believed me back then, why would they believe me now.
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## Froggi (Sep 10, 2014)

AFallenAngel said:


> I apologize. When I read "get a job and leave" that's something I have been told many times. I can make enough money if I work the peak times but he just assumes he will do that and since I started trying to step into the water and at least get help dealing with what he did to me, I was told I was overreacting or that they didn't see my husband doing that and I must have said or done something to make him think it was ok. I'm always on the defensive and am sorry I made that assumption with you especially since I don't know you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



No biggie. It is a sucky situation Girl!


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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

Froggi said:


> No biggie. It is a sucky situation Girl!


Thanks. I'm not here to make enemies 
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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

People here are going to give you advice that you are going to "yeah but" in response to. In the end it is stuff you know you need to do in order to move on in a healthy way. 

You can keep venting here or wherever but people will and do burnout, it has already happened here. Lots of us have faced scary situations and done what every adult has to do, we face it, we get up, suit up and show up. Your whole life, health included has been out of control for a long time, we can't fix it for you. There are only so many suggestions and available options. In the end YOU have to do something to change this, or you know the other option is going back to what you had.


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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

kristin2349 said:


> People here are going to give you advice that you are going to "yeah but" in response to. In the end it is stuff you know you need to do in order to move on in a healthy way.
> 
> You can keep venting here or wherever but people will and do burnout, it has already happened here. Lots of us have faced scary situations and done what every adult has to do, we face it, we get up, suit up and show up. Your whole life, health included has been out of control for a long time, we can't fix it for you. There are only so many suggestions and available options. In the end YOU have to do something to change this, or you know the other option is going back to what you had.


I know and I am NOT going back to what I've had. I just want to have a place to live, insurance, and papers signed.
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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you gone to United Way yet? Your county agencies? Good Will? A church? You can get help, you just have to be persistent.


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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

turnera said:


> Have you gone to United Way yet? Your county agencies? Good Will? A church? You can get help, you just have to be persistent.


Yes. I'm using an advocacy group but my advocate hasn't contacted me so I have been speaking to another one and we are sighted up for a class that is for me and the kids and they will address Domestic Violence and healthy relationships and idk mine and I'm looking for a new therapist that can work with the kids and I at the same time
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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

OMG! I have a friend over for three nights and what a difference! JUST a friend and cuddle bug.  I feel so much less lonely.
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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

MountainRunner said:


> He is playing games with you, and at the very least, he is completely disrespecting/ignoring your boundaries. He will continue to do this because he "knows" he can get away with it. You're going to have to whack the boy upside his head to wake him up and realize that you're serious. Are you prepared to do that AFA?


I agree with MountainRunner. No more chances, no more being Mrs. Nice, no more thinking this guy might be telling the truth this time. You have learned to live with this but you don't have to and you need to get out of this situation.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

AFallenAngel said:


> OMG! I have a friend over for three nights and what a difference! JUST a friend and cuddle bug.  I feel so much less lonely.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is great, we all need support and a good friend. I did not read your entire thread but if you have not, get yourself therapy. You do not want to repeat this journey with another person and many times that's what happens. Work on you.


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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

AVR1962 said:


> This is great, we all need support and a good friend. I did not read your entire thread but if you have not, get yourself therapy. You do not want to repeat this journey with another person and many times that's what happens. Work on you.


Thanks. Things are getting nasty here but I'm trying to ignore him. Therapy in the works for the kids and I
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