# Do u lose sex attraction after so many years together



## Cancer68 (6 mo ago)

My husband which is younger, has been not wanting sex with me I love and enjoy intimacy and sex.ill get to point. Here lately he can't stay hard it stayed hard work oral but goes limp by the time he gets it in...I am about to go nuts on what's happening.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

Ask him how often he’s masturbating. He may not share the truth with you. If he says he does not, try to check his browser history for porn.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

Cancer68 said:


> My husband which is younger, has been not wanting sex with me I love and enjoy intimacy and sex.ill get to point. Here lately he can't stay hard it stayed hard work oral but goes limp by the time he gets it in...I am about to go nuts on what's happening.


I can happen. You'll see folks here about how they go about keeping things interesting.

On the other hand, there are a number of things that could cause lack of interest. Low testosterone causes lack of libido and lack of interest in sex. Could be psychological, could be wandering attention, could be a number of things. 

If hubby is good with trying to get the interest back, you might start with getting his take on what is happening. If it is just a generalized lack of interest, I'd suggest checking his testosterone level first and going from there.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

You said he is younger than you but how old are you two? What came first, the performance issues or the lack of interest in sex? 

No man wants to be having performance issues. They won't happen if he avoids sex. Problem solved, right? Not really, unless married to someone who wants a sexless marriage.

It also may very well have nothing to do with you. Women frequently make performance issues about themselves when it has nothing to do with them.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

If he is old enough (which means as young as mid 40s and older) he could have some vascular issues in which he needs some assistance via Viagra or Cialis. Nothing wrong with that. Doctor visit and he will be good to go.

That being said, have you changed? Weight? Desire, etc? Maybe any one of those things is a turn off for him?

But I am guessing its just the start of ED. No big deal if he visits a doctor.


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## Recovering Lawyer (6 mo ago)

I agree with gr8ful1. Guessing porn could be an issue. I can't project my own life and struggles on everyone else, but it's all I have to go on. When I was younger and looking at porn, quite understandably I didn't appreciate my wife's looks nearly as much. The porn was never an everyday thing or something I just accepted, it was an on again/off again struggle, but even the occasional thing was enough to sour my desire for the wife somewhat. I was looking at fakey women with makeup, lighting and fake body parts in fake situations (that they probably despised even as they acted the opposite). It set up unrealistic expectations. It was harder to get excited and aroused by her.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

After a period of time, we can no longer compete with porn stars. There’s nothing we can do, I mean, even 28 year old porn stars can’t compete with their younger selves.

You have to decide if you can live with it or not. Because while you should strive to stay fit for your health, at some point it’s going to make you miserable to constantly try to compete. You still have a lot of life left, find something new, a hobby, friends. Fitness is actually a fun and healthy way to spend your time. Focus on yourself and detach to protect your heart. Then confront him and set him free.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

We desperately need an eye roll reaction option.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Recovering Lawyer said:


> I agree with gr8ful1. Guessing porn could be an issue. I can't project my own life and struggles on everyone else, but it's all I have to go on. When I was younger and looking at porn, quite understandably I didn't appreciate my wife's looks nearly as much. The porn was never an everyday thing or something I just accepted, it was an on again/off again struggle, but even the occasional thing was enough to sour my desire for the wife somewhat. I was looking at fakey women with makeup, lighting and fake body parts in fake situations (that they probably despised even as they acted the opposite). It set up unrealistic expectations. It was harder to get excited and aroused by her.


Exactly. After a time, no normal woman, especially as she ages, can compete. I’m sorry this is happening, these comparisons are heartbreaking.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

bobert said:


> We desperately need an eye roll reaction option.


Yes, it MUST be porn. There just no other explanation. Did catholic dad reincarnate?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

bobert said:


> We desperately need an eye roll reaction option.


🙄


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## Recovering Lawyer (6 mo ago)

bobert said:


> We desperately need an eye roll reaction option.


I'm not saying it was porn, I'm saying it could be. Not at all deserving of an eye roll. You know darned well it could be.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Recovering Lawyer said:


> I agree with gr8ful1. Guessing porn could be an issue. I can't project my own life and struggles on everyone else, but it's all I have to go on. When I was younger and looking at porn, quite understandably I didn't appreciate my wife's looks nearly as much. The porn was never an everyday thing or something I just accepted, it was an on again/off again struggle, but even the occasional thing was enough to sour my desire for the wife somewhat. I was looking at fakey women with makeup, lighting and fake body parts in fake situations (that they probably despised even as they acted the opposite). It set up unrealistic expectations. It was harder to get excited and aroused by her.


Your honesty is refreshing.


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## Recovering Lawyer (6 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Your honesty is refreshing.


Thanks, maybe it's just me using this selfishly for therapy of sorts. Who knows? I hardly know my own heart. Anyway, I know by experience that as I gave up porn and stopped looking at women other than my wife that my desire for her and appreciation for her has gone way up even as she's gotten older. It's reached the point after years that the urge to look at other women and appreciate their hotness has basically flatlined. Not saying I'm above it all or better than any other man, I have already proven otherwise (checkered past).


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Recovering Lawyer said:


> Thanks, maybe it's just me using this selfishly for therapy of sorts. Who knows? I hardly know my own heart. Anyway, I know by experience that as I gave up porn and stopped looking at women other than my wife that my desire for her and appreciation for her has gone way up even as she's gotten older. It's reached the point after years that the urge to look at other women and appreciate their hotness has basically flatlined. Not saying I'm above it all or better than any other man, I have already proven otherwise (checkered past).


And unfortunately it isn't just porn, which is easily enough avoided, but for decades now all media has shown us an image of perfection that makes a lot of young people think they're entitled to it. And again it's composed of a lot of fake body parts and plastic surgery and these days creative graphics. It's kind of hard not to want something you can't have when you're exposed to it that much. 

But porn does take it to the next level because of the way it portrays women separate and apart from the manufactured body parts. It certainly gives a lot of men on this forum who have come and go unrealistic expectations how a woman should act toward them.

And for the most part it could not be further from the truth. Those are paid actresses as well as some of them are slaves that are sex trafficked. They are just portraying a man's fantasies and very little to do with what women are really like or want or appreciate.


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## Recovering Lawyer (6 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> But porn does take it to the next level because of the way it portrays women separate and apart from the manufactured body parts. It certainly gives a lot of men on this forum who have come and go unrealistic expectations how a woman should act toward them.
> 
> And for the most part it could not be further from the truth. Those are paid actresses as well as some of them are slaves that are sex trafficked. They are just portraying a man's fantasies and very little to do with what women are really like or want or appreciate.


Yes, exactly. These men chase pleasure and joy but they never get it. They get a mouse wheel that they spin madly. I used to be on it. They could have joy where their middle-aged wife's personality and intellect and body drives them wild, where she becomes the standard of beauty by which all others are judged. But they kill it on the altar of a cheap thrill getting off on images of some rando girl young enough to be their daughter. My late dad was a manager at a corporation. He was close friends with the CEO. We played golf together regularly 30 years ago. One time the CEO referred to his wife in our presence as "That dried up old thing." At the time she was a pretty fair looking woman of about 60, she was certainly a great match for him. But he had eyes on his young secretary. I later found they'd had an affair. He threw away the joy he could've had with a wife who adored him and practically killed her in the process. They're both long gone now. Terribly sad what he threw away during his life.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

I have been married for 25 years, together with my wife for 26 and she has always been and is still the most beautiful, attractive and sexiest woman. Yes, she has some flaws with her age: acne, some cellulite. But this does not impact my attractiveness to her, this only makes her real and not some fake doll.

I do watch porn time to time. However, I never compared my wife to porn. Porn is just an adult entertainment for me.

ED can impact man's confidence and lead to less sexual desire. Viagra or Cialis can really help together with lifestyle and diet changes.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Recovering Lawyer said:


> Yes, exactly. These men chase pleasure and joy but they never get it. They get a mouse wheel that they spin madly. I used to be on it. They could have joy where their middle-aged wife's personality and intellect and body drives them wild, where she becomes the standard of beauty by which all others are judged. But they kill it on the altar of a cheap thrill getting off on images of some rando girl young enough to be their daughter. My late dad was a manager at a corporation. He was close friends with the CEO. We played golf together regularly 30 years ago. One time the CEO referred to his wife in our presence as "That dried up old thing." At the time she was a pretty fair looking woman of about 60, she was certainly a great match for him. But he had eyes on his young secretary. I later found they'd had an affair. He threw away the joy he could've had with a wife who adored him and practically killed her in the process. They're both long gone now. Terribly sad what he threw away during his life.


I'm afraid older women are very often discarded. It's just about priorities. People shouldn't be so single-minded. I sometimes wonder how much of it is about the pursuit of sex and how much is just about ego and wanting others to envy them. 

I don't want two people to stay together if they're making each other miserable. But I would just like to think that two people wouldn't get married unless they had an intellectual and emotional bond and not just a sexual bond or had common interests or something that made them like each other and have some loyalty to each other. 

But I know it's hard to keep all that going even though I've not been married. For many it is a lot of work.


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## Recovering Lawyer (6 mo ago)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I have been married for 25 years, together with my wife for 26 and she has always been and is still the most beautiful, attractive and sexiest woman. Yes, she has some flaws with her age: acne, some cellulite. But this does not impact my attractiveness to her, this only makes her real and not some fake doll.
> 
> I do watch porn time to time. However, I never compared my wife to porn. Porn is just an adult entertainment for me.


Why in the world if you have the most beautiful, attractive and sexiest woman who's real and not some fake doll and can have that grand thing, would you want something less? How could having the lesser thing be as entertaining as the best thing in the world? It'd be like being married to a world famous chef, yet choking down a $2.99 microwave pizza, dripping with yellow grease. As one who's been in a relationship for 38 years, I'll never understand it. You fellas will never convince me you're doing anything other than kicking yourself square in the balls. Been there/done that/God willing never going back for one second.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Cancer68 said:


> My husband which is younger, has been not wanting sex with me I love and enjoy intimacy and sex.ill get to point. Here lately he can't stay hard it stayed hard work oral but goes limp by the time he gets it in...I am about to go nuts on what's happening.


How old is he, and how is his health?

How many years have you been together?

Is he on any medications?

Have you talked about the issue with him? If so, what did he say?
Would you prefer folks take their discussion about porn to another thread, or does it seem relevant to your situation?

How is your relationship?

You made a point to say he is younger. Why did that seem worth mentioning?


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Recovering Lawyer said:


> Why in the world if you have the most beautiful, attractive and sexiest woman who's real and not some fake doll and can have that grand thing, would you want something less? How could having the lesser thing be as entertaining as the best thing in the world? It'd be like being married to a world famous chef, yet choking down a $2.99 microwave pizza, dripping with yellow grease. As one who's been in a relationship for 38 years, I'll never understand it. You fellas will never convince me you're doing anything other than kicking yourself square in the balls. Been there/done that/God willing never going back for one second.


I don't understand "you want something less?"

Some people need and want variety. I read somewhere that most famous chefs who have access to finest food and ingredient and can prepare fancy meals sometimes go to fast food places to get plain cheap ugly burgers.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

We are not able to help with this type question with so little info.
we don't know his age,
WE don't know if he is attracted to young women or if he is attracted to older women or even men . Our president is married to a woman i think she is 25 years older

we can speculate that it is porn related or speculate that he has a younger gf bf or low sex drive or stress or over weight or gone bored with the same old type sex each time 

if he has problems not going to a dr is not going to help 
IT all so is having an effect on you as you are thinking on what is his health or physiological or other problem as been your age ,weight or some other thing which more than 99% chance has nothing to do with what is wrong , 

While we like to help we can not replace a visit to his Dr


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Recovering Lawyer said:


> I'm not saying it was porn, I'm saying it could be. Not at all deserving of an eye roll. You know darned well it could be.


I wasn't talking about you. I was talking about the poster who comes with the same man and marriage hating opinion over and over. It MUST be the porn and men can't possibly be attracted to women who aren't perfect bodied 20 year olds. Any time that's proven otherwise, men are OBVIOUSLY lying.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

bobert said:


> I wasn't talking about you. I was talking about the poster who comes with the same man and marriage hating opinion over and over. It MUST be the porn and men can't possibly be attracted to women who aren't perfect bodied 20 year olds. Any time that's proven otherwise, men are OBVIOUSLY lying.


Especially because women never leave or cheat on their husbands with a richer, younger or better looking man.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Cancer68 said:


> My husband which is younger, has been not wanting sex with me I love and enjoy intimacy and sex.ill get to point. Here lately he can't stay hard it stayed hard work oral but goes limp by the time he gets it in...I am about to go nuts on what's happening.


ED is a pretty regular problem but it can have quite a few different causes.

He needs to get checked out to see what's going on.

It could even be psychological. That happened to me once.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

This actually isn't a porn thread even though there is a hell of a lot of jacking going on.

Several years ago I was in a very traumatic crash and Mrs. C and I were not in a good place, partly because of some poor behavior and bad choices she was forcing on me.

For a while, I had ED with her and couldn't perform well at all and it had nothing to do with porn. 

I had a mental block that I had to work through and part of getting rid of the ED was getting healthier mentally.

We might want to wait for more details before taking over this woman's thread.


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## Recovering Lawyer (6 mo ago)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I don't understand "you want something less?"
> 
> Some people need and want variety. I read somewhere that most famous chefs who have access to finest food and ingredient and can prepare fancy meals sometimes go to fast food places to get plain cheap ugly burgers.


Want, I agree. Need? No. But even if one thinks that variety in sex is a necessity rather than a nice bonus, they can still have variety with the same spouse. My wife usually makes love with no makeup, no frills (though she always gets into it and after all these years knows the subtle nuances of what I like--I try to reciprocate). But she also dresses and does herself up in many different ways; e.g., in one iteration, she's a wild woman/biker chick, in another, a stripper. It's always changing over time. She's become more open to this as I've become more into her, because she feels more secure with me when I'm not putting sexual energy into rando women. She's the one I married and committed to make love with for life--not some rotating cast of strangers young enough to be my daughter who were probably abused as children, are certainly undergoing some level of abuse currently and possibly are being sex trafficked.


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## Recovering Lawyer (6 mo ago)

ConanHub said:


> This actually isn't a porn thread even though there is a hell of a lot of jacking going on.
> 
> Several years ago I was in a very traumatic crash and Mrs. C and I were not in a good place, partly because of some poor behavior and bad choices she was forcing on me.
> 
> ...


That's a fair point. There could be physiological issues like low testosterone, porn issues, infidelity issues, the guy could be going through a midlife crisis, he might be wanting something in sex he's not getting but afraid to ask, there could be stress at work, stress with kids, stress with finances, etc. Could be some combo of any of the above.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

We definitely need an eye rolling reaction emoji. 🙄


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## Evan A. Maxwell (6 mo ago)

I think he is somehow porn addicted. Please ask him about the matter. If not then you both need a little break. Just go somewhere and leave him for some days, don't do any communication. After that comeback and meet with him and check how much change he has, If not a good result then just be patient for someday with another method. If not going to good then go to a specialized doctor. God bless you.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

bobert said:


> I wasn't talking about you. I was talking about the poster who comes with the same man and marriage hating opinion over and over. It MUST be the porn and men can't possibly be attracted to women who aren't perfect bodied 20 year olds. Any time that's proven otherwise, men are OBVIOUSLY lying.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Recovering Lawyer said:


> Why in the world if you have the most beautiful, attractive and sexiest woman who's real and not some fake doll and can have that grand thing, would you want something less? How could having the lesser thing be as entertaining as the best thing in the world? It'd be like being married to a world famous chef, yet choking down a $2.99 microwave pizza, dripping with yellow grease. As one who's been in a relationship for 38 years, I'll never understand it. You fellas will never convince me you're doing anything other than kicking yourself square in the balls. Been there/done that/God willing never going back for one second.


Shallowness. Misplaced priorities.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> After a period of time, we can no longer compete with porn stars. There’s nothing we can do, I mean, even 28 year old porn stars can’t compete with their younger selves.
> 
> You have to decide if you can live with it or not. Because while you should strive to stay fit for your health, at some point it’s going to make you miserable to constantly try to compete. You still have a lot of life left, find something new, a hobby, friends. Fitness is actually a fun and healthy way to spend your time. Focus on yourself and detach to protect your heart. Then confront him and set him free.


I don’t know why you continue to believe this is true for all men.
I’m sure it is true for some but not all. This is such a “Debbie downer” way to look at things. What is the correct term here… I think it is fatalistic.


OP, I don’t know what is going on with your husband, but in my opinion, attraction can be kept high after many years. This goes for both the husband and the wife. Keeping yourself in good fitness (the wife AND the husband) definitely helps. Taboo or not, most people aren’t attracted to others that completely let themselves go.

secondly, as was already mentioned, if he is taking care of himself with masturbation then that is a problem. He should be saving that for you.

next, both the husband and wife should think of new things to do to get their spouse’s attention. What turns him on? What turns you on? You both should be looking for ways to do that to each other.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

bobert said:


> I wasn't talking about you. I was talking about the poster who comes with the same man and marriage hating opinion over and over. It MUST be the porn and men can't possibly be attracted to women who aren't perfect bodied 20 year olds. Any time that's proven otherwise, men are OBVIOUSLY lying.


You are 100% correct - but the poster you are referring to with this post would prefer if you didn’t get in her way of converting more to her side of things.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

🙄


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

bobert said:


> I wasn't talking about you. I was talking about the poster who comes with the same man and marriage hating opinion over and over. It MUST be the porn and men can't possibly be attracted to women who aren't perfect bodied 20 year olds. Any time that's proven otherwise, men are OBVIOUSLY lying.


Ignore feature works well. Obviously, I couldn’t see her post but I know exactly whom you are speaking about.

I hope the OP comes back with more details before anyone else hits the porn alert button.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> 🙄


Hot damn!!! And to think, I was sure you had me on ignore! 😂


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Hot damn!!! And to think, I was sure you had me on ignore! 😂


I did, but I heard the clique is out in force, coming after me for having my own opinions. Pretty sure these personal attacks count as threadjacks and do nothing to help the OP deal with her husband no longer being attracted to her. Back you go, since you as usual have no interest in discussion, just attacks. I notice you don’t refute what I say, just squeal “misasndry” if the answer is anything but “it’s the woman’s fault and she needs to work harder.”


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Well, for sure considering porn as one of the causes of ED isn't a threadjack. It is directly related to the OP's original post.

Of course, the body's physical problems may figure in as well, or a combination.

excerpt:
"

90% of men fast-forward to watch the most arousing pornographic scenes—i.e., the scenes most likely to be neurochemically rewarded with an intense dopamine and adrenaline rush.
Heavy porn users take significantly longer than other men to reach orgasm with a real-world partner.
23% of the men under age 35 (i.e., in their sexual prime) reported some level of ED when having sex with a real-world partner.
The amount of porn a man watches is linked to ED. More porn equals more ED.
Heavy porn use is also linked to dissatisfaction with real-world sex.
20% of male porn users find that over time they need to watch more extreme porn to achieve their desired level of arousal."










Porn-Induced Erectile Dysfunction


Can pornography impact male sexual performance?




www.psychologytoday.com


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Hot damn!!! And to think, I was sure you had me on ignore! 😂


Not a chance! Been on here a few years and only have two people on ignore (see above and her bestie on TAM)


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

LATERILUS79 said:


> You are 100% correct - but the poster you are referring to with this post would prefer if you didn’t get in her way of converting more to her side of things.


It appears she has converted _Psychology Today,_ then, because they say the same thing in so many words. Don't know why you assume her opinion also reflects her own household and try to throw blame back onto her for something she didn't assert while just responding to the OP's question and daring to have an opinion based on observations it would be hard not to notice in today's world.


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## love4good (6 mo ago)

Cancer68 said:


> ...what's happening.


As a man who has this issue, I can tell you for me it's not porn. It's the combination of two things.

sex:

she treats foreplay like a chore
she's unwilling to initiate sex, I always have to convince her
she doesn't like to deviate from the same routine; bedroom, strip, lights off, missionary
she refuses to take any responsibility in helping our sex life be better
she gets visibly frustrated when I'm not rock hard (the anticipation of that in and of itself makes it more likely to happen)

And the real killer? Our relationship:

Her daily criticism/controlling of things like how I wash dishes, or read
Her inability to be constructive when we argue (e.g. blaming attacking, won't listen)
Her daily life is always in crises, (some real, most manufactured), so when I need support those few times a year, I'm on my own.

I love her, but I'm just not as interested in having sex with her. Not when I'm constantly being treated as the problem in and out of the bedroom. All of which I've communicated as gently and respectfully as possible. Her response? Like everyone else here, "it must be porn". It isn't.

In short, for us, at the root of it is her anxiety and stress. I am just hoping for her sake and mine, that she eventually decides to deal with it.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Or it could just be the age delta catching up. OP hasn’t told us their ages, but if she was 45 and he was 30 when they married, fast forward 25 years and they’re 55 and 70. 

A woman in her 40s can often still be very sexually attractive to a man in his 30s or 20s. But the effects of a 15+ year age gap only amplify with time. I can easily see a 55yo man struggle with staying aroused with a 70yo woman.

Maybe it’s just the effects of the age delta amplifying info older age.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It appears she has converted _Psychology Today,_ then, because they say the same thing in so many words. Don't know why you assume her opinion also reflects her own household and try to throw blame back onto her for something she didn't assert while just responding to the OP's question and daring to have an opinion based on observations it would be hard not to notice in today's world.


I know you consider psychology today to be gospel, but it looks like anybody can post to that place these days. It’s a place where you can easily find articles to go with your confirmation bias. I did answer the OP’s question. I look for real world examples where men and women don’t automatically fall into the stereotypes you prefer to believe in and then push onto others


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Cancer68 said:


> My husband which is younger, has been not wanting sex with me I love and enjoy intimacy and sex.ill get to point. Here lately he can't stay hard it stayed hard work oral but goes limp by the time he gets it in...I am about to go nuts on what's happening.


ED can be a combination or physical and mental issues. I wouldn't jump straight to a lack of attraction. He should get looked at by a doctor. He might benefit from something like daily Cialis. If all is physically good then you can pursue the mental/psychological side of things.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

LATERILUS79 said:


> I know you consider psychology today to be gospel, but it looks like anybody can post to that place these days. It’s a place where you can easily find articles to go with your confirmation bias. I did answer the OP’s question. I look for real world examples where men and women don’t automatically fall into the stereotypes you prefer to believe in and then push onto others


Why don't you try getting published there if that's true?


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## Recovering Lawyer (6 mo ago)

bobert said:


> I wasn't talking about you. I was talking about the poster who comes with the same man and marriage hating opinion over and over. It MUST be the porn and men can't possibly be attracted to women who aren't perfect bodied 20 year olds. Any time that's proven otherwise, men are OBVIOUSLY lying.


Got it. Fair enough. I haven't seen any antiporn posters here who've impressed me as being unreasonable man-haters, but I haven't been here long so I don't know anyone's reputations or the water under the bridge.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Cancer68 said:


> My husband which is younger, has been not wanting sex with me I love and enjoy intimacy and sex.ill get to point. Here lately he can't stay hard it stayed hard work oral but goes limp by the time he gets it in...I am about to go nuts on what's happening.


Drive by poster?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Ot maybe a driven away poster?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Ot maybe a driven away poster?


I hope not. Some more details would have helped us help her.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Many medical issues can cause ED.

If he hasn't seen a doctor, then he should.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Of course, the body's physical problems may figure in as well, or a combination.
> 
> excerpt:
> "
> ...


Well, I guess I'm glad that I'm no longer under age 35. At 77 I'm pretty randy, have never had ED even when castrate and have a high preference for the real thing.

I do watch porn, but I look for more romantic, less male centric material. When I was castrate for cancer treatment I found my personal erotic fantasies to be more arousing and my wife's touch the most arousing.

So I am not sure what to believe in reports of how other men react and am always wary of generalizations.

I'm not sure that bit about porn watchers taking longer to reach orgasm is a negative. Seems that would make sex easier for those men who don't have multiple orgasms as there would be less need to worry about being able to delay long enough to satisfy their partners.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

TexasMom1216 said:


> After a period of time, we can no longer compete with porn stars. There’s nothing we can do, I mean, even 28 year old porn stars can’t compete with their younger selves.
> 
> You have to decide if you can live with it or not. Because while you should strive to stay fit for your health, at some point it’s going to make you miserable to constantly try to compete. You still have a lot of life left, find something new, a hobby, friends. Fitness is actually a fun and healthy way to spend your time. Focus on yourself and detach to protect your heart. Then confront him and set him free.


While I think I understand what you are saying, I don't buy it.

I am a 73 year old man, married for nearly 51 years to the same woman. I can assure you that a 23 year old porn star would not interest me very much. Yes, she might be firm, fertile, and perky; she would have had maybe 5 to 10 years of sexual experience. 

My wife on the other hand has had over 51 years of experience of sex on how to use her body and mind to pleasure me. We have so much shared experiences, that we can talk for hours. A 23 year old porn star might be a fun diversion of an afternoon, but nothing to compare to a real woman who knows her body and how to use it to please a man.

If a woman has been married to a man for decades, she should know what excites him, and how to keep him excited. Unless it is a medical condition or unless there is a fundamental problem in their relationship.

I hope that for the OP, the issue is a minor medical issue. If not she should see about the two of them having counseling with a sex therapist.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

RebuildingMe said:


> Yes, it MUST be porn. There just no other explanation. Did catholic dad reincarnate?


It often is.


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## Recovering Lawyer (6 mo ago)

Young at Heart said:


> While I think I understand what you are saying, I don't buy it.
> 
> I am a 73 year old man, married for nearly 51 years to the same woman. I can assure you that a 23 year old porn star would not interest me very much. Yes, she might be firm, fertile, and perky; she would have had maybe 5 to 10 years of sexual experience.
> 
> ...


I'm about 15 years or so behind you, but I can totally relate to this. I got to the point where the porn didn't interest me after starving it off for years and now the whole period of my life seems ridiculous and puerile. These girliepoos who know nothing about real sex trying to pretend. Glad to see someone out there with the same experiences with their wife.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

RebuildingMe said:


> Yes, it MUST be porn. There just no other explanation. Did catholic dad reincarnate?


Where is @CatholicDad when you need him? While it was fun to poke fun at the predictable anti-porn soapboxing (not that I’m pro-porn), he also had some good comments.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

This whole thread is speculation and whimsy because OP hasn't responded at all.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Some of this is just the "same old, same old"....It really gets tiring to read and I should avoid these threads altogether..

"Too much porn", blah blah...."Woman doesn't look like a 20 year old IG model she goes right in the trash"...."Hollywood imagery poisoning people's minds" blah., blah...

Total nonsense, in most cases...

While it doesn't automatically mean they cant be, IMO, humans weren't biologically programmed to be monogamous for life...Ever notice that often AP's are fatter, uglier, have more mental issues, etc, than a WW? Surprise!! You are attempting to try to undo an inborn biological urge that unless you continuously work on it or just have unbelievable chemistry, will easily fall apart, because quite frankly it was designed to......as it seemingly has for the OP..

It could be nothing more than familiarity breeding contempt....There aren't enough details to draw more conclusions, but that's about all i could get out of it...


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

hamadryad said:


> ...humans weren't biologically programmed to be monogamous for life..


Guess I didn't get the message. My goal was monogamy. Some women hit on me for hookups and recreational sex, but my desire was a long term relationship and I took myself off the market. 

Over 45 years of monogamy has been completely satisfying. Sometimes I wish my wife had been the first and only, but to be honest I didn't have the social skills needed to develop a relationship without the help of the other ladies.


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## Recovering Lawyer (6 mo ago)

hamadryad said:


> Some of this is just the "same old, same old"....It really gets tiring to read and I should avoid these threads altogether..
> 
> "Too much porn", blah blah...."Woman doesn't look like a 20 year old IG model she goes right in the trash"...."Hollywood imagery poisoning people's minds" blah., blah...
> 
> ...


And yet, if you're not monogamous for life, if you play around and seek greener pastures, if you go after the cheap selfish thrills of porn or affairs, guaranteed you'll be unfulfilled and never really learn to grow up and see beyond the tip of your own nose. Some people get older and wiser. Others just get older.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Julie's Husband said:


> Guess I didn't get the message. My goal was monogamy. Some women hit on me for hookups and recreational sex, but my desire was a long term relationship and I took myself off the market.
> 
> Over 45 years of monogamy has been completely satisfying. Sometimes I wish my wife had been the first and only, but to be honest I didn't have the social skills needed to develop a relationship without the help of the other ladies.


Yup. I'm programmed to exclusive with one woman.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Recovering Lawyer said:


> And yet, if you're not monogamous for life, if you play around and seek greener pastures, if you go after the cheap selfish thrills of porn or affairs, guaranteed you'll be unfulfilled and never really learn to grow up and see beyond the tip of your own nose. Some people get older and wiser. Others just get older.


You understood none of what I posted and instead just chose the same trope as everyone else. Unsurprisingly. It's obviously over your head. 

And who ever said it even had to be affairs? What about people that just choose to not be with one partner indefinitely? You think you are more righteous or enlightened than they are?


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## GoodDad5 (9 mo ago)

love4good said:


> As a man who has this issue, I can tell you for me it's not porn. It's the combination of two things.
> 
> sex:
> 
> ...


You just described my situation just about to a T, except for the very last bullet point under relationship as my wife doesn’t usually have much drama going on. I honestly thought I was reading my own mental notes about the issues with our sex life when I read your post.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

OP hasn't replied after the first (and only) post ever.


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## Cancer68 (6 mo ago)

Julie's Husband said:


> I can happen. You'll see folks here about how they go about keeping things interesting.
> 
> On the other hand, there are a number of things that could cause lack of interest. Low testosterone causes lack of libido and lack of interest in sex. Could be psychological, could be wandering attention, could be a number of things.
> 
> If hubby is good with trying to get the interest back, you might start with getting his take on what is happening. If it is just a generalized lack of interest, I'd suggest checking his testosterone level first and going from there.





Julie's Husband said:


> Well, I guess I'm glad that I'm no longer under age 35. At 77 I'm pretty randy, have never had ED even when castrate and have a high preference for the real thing.
> 
> I do watch porn, but I look for more romantic, less male centric material. When I was castrate for cancer treatment I found my personal erotic fantasies to be more arousing and my wife's touch the most arousing.
> 
> ...


When we do is a quick one and never does he get to penitrate


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## Cancer68 (6 mo ago)

bobert said:


> You said he is younger than you but how old are you two? What came first, the performance issues or the lack of interest in sex?
> 
> No man wants to be having performance issues. They won't happen if he avoids sex. Problem solved, right? Not really, unless married to someone who wants a sexless marriage.
> 
> It also may very well have nothing to do with you. Women frequently make performance issues about themselves when it has nothing to do with them.


54 I am and he's 49


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Cancer68 said:


> 54 I am and he's 49


He should go see a doctor or if too embarrassed use telehealth.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

hamadryad said:


> You understood none of what I posted and instead just chose the same trope as everyone else. Unsurprisingly. It's obviously over your head.
> 
> And who ever said it even had to be affairs? What about people that just choose to not be with one partner indefinitely? You think you are more righteous or enlightened than they are?



No intended thread jack, but just an example. My ex was that way. I think she got tired of being married to me, found some reasons she could justify and moved on.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

hamadryad said:


> Some of this is just the "same old, same old"....It really gets tiring to read and I should avoid these threads altogether..
> 
> "Too much porn", blah blah...."Woman doesn't look like a 20 year old IG model she goes right in the trash"...."Hollywood imagery poisoning people's minds" blah., blah...
> 
> ...


True, but we’ve evolved. And there’s progress. I mean, women weren’t biologically programmed to give birth in their late 20s 30s and early 40s either. We’ve evolved. For much of history, women had a few children by the age of 18! I don’t feel a biological urge to kill chickens for my dinner or milk cows either. In fact, I wouldn’t know how. My husband doesn’t feel the urge to kill other men to feel like he’s king of his workplace, or to succeed in other ways.

Monogamy helps us live longer. And smarter. Most of the stuff we were biologically programmed to do thankfully separates us from the monkeys eh? Some people want to be smart, some people want to chase uglier and crazier.

No one way is morally superior or better… but some people want to end up on top of the food chain (and maybe some people can’t?). Some people just don’t have the capacity to really propel themselves into old age (or even near future) and think where their choices will truly get them.

Some people are just incapable or eccentric, I’m not sure. Maybe some people are biologically programmed to survive longer and make smarter choices and maybe some people are not. I’m sure chasing ugly and fatter and mentally unstable yet fun and even more fun and so on is very thrilling… but not a great strategy for a long and healthy life. I guess the survival instinct is still biologically programmed into some people. Do I act, or just let the fantasy pass? I suppose in the animal kingdom too, crazy eventually attracts crazy and the herd ostracises the weaker ones.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Luckylucky said:


> True, but we’ve evolved. And there’s progress. I mean, women weren’t biologically programmed to give birth in their late 20s 30s and early 40s either. We’ve evolved. For much of history, women had a few children by the age of 18! I don’t feel a biological urge to kill chickens for my dinner or milk cows either. In fact, I wouldn’t know how. My husband doesn’t feel the urge to kill other men to feel like he’s king of his workplace, or to succeed in other ways.
> 
> Monogamy helps us live longer. And smarter. Most of the stuff we were biologically programmed to do thankfully separates us from the monkeys eh? Some people want to be smart, some people want to chase uglier and crazier.
> 
> ...



All of what you are saying is mostly true, but here's the thing people aren't(I think) understanding,,,

Lifetime monogamy is just a choice, not necessarily what is programmed...It's like being a vegan...A human can choose a vegan lifestyle, but the reality is that it's not necessarily what we were programmed to eat,,,,And as to your reference, you *would* kill anything to eat, you just don't have to, so you don't...It doesn't mean you would starve to death, because you "evolved" Thats ludicrous...

You can "evolve" all you want, but just like basic attraction for the opposite sex, some stuff is just "programmed in"...And it's not done to make us all nuts, but rather to assure we have genetic diversity and some level of sustainability of the species...Most animals could not survive a single generation under the "rules" we so called "evolved" species have put in place...>Talk about making absolutely no sense...lol..

What all this means in the context of trying to explain why otherwise normal people lose attraction, instead of pointing to ridiculous scenarios, understand that this "capability" is programmed into all of us,,,It can be avoided, but its not easy...You either need some form of strong conviction, superior and rare chemistry and compatibility, etc....Without that, this stuff falls apart very easily...

Sorry for the t/j....its a better topic for its own thread...carry on...


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Well, for sure considering porn as one of the causes of ED isn't a threadjack. It is directly related to the OP's original post.
> 
> Of course, the body's physical problems may figure in as well, or a combination.
> 
> ...


Hmm, starting to wonder if something similar happens to women who watch a lot of porn.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

hamadryad said:


> You understood none of what I posted and instead just chose the same trope as everyone else. Unsurprisingly. It's obviously over your head.
> 
> And who ever said it even had to be affairs? What about people that just choose to not be with one partner indefinitely? You think you are more righteous or enlightened than they are?


Yes.😉


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

High and dry said:


> Hmm, starting to wonder if something similar happens to women who watch a lot of porn.


I don’t know but that’s an interesting question. I wouldn’t think so but I can’t speak for all women. Women tend to be more into the whole person so I wouldn’t think the men in porn would be attractive to them.


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I don’t know but that’s an interesting question. I wouldn’t think so but I can’t speak for all women. Women tend to be more into the whole person so I wouldn’t think the men in porn would be attractive to them.


I asked because it seems to be happening with my wife. I don’t think she’s attracted to the men in porn specifically, but everything else in that posts sounds like what my wife is dealing with right now, including the part about fast forwarding to a specific part of the porn video (and then replaying that same part over and over). She told me she doesn’t like porn that shows the man’s face or anything above the chest.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

High and dry said:


> I asked because it seems to be happening with my wife. I don’t think she’s attracted to the men in porn specifically, but everything else in that posts sounds like what my wife is dealing with right now, including the part about fast forwarding to a specific part of the porn video (and then replaying that same part over and over). She told me she doesn’t like porn that shows the man’s face or anything above the chest.


Then I don’t think you should assume it’s something wrong with you.


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Then I don’t think you should assume it’s something wrong with you.


Even if it has nothing to do with me, as she claims, I still think it’s interesting that what is supposedly true for men who overindulge in porn seems to be true for my wife. So I’m still left wondering if it’s in fact true for most women who overindulge in porn. We act as if men are the only over-users of porn.

Anyway, it’s veering from the true topic of this thread. To keep on topic, my attraction to my wife has only grown over the years and I can say that honestly. Then again she’s not 15 years older than me. I’ve always wondered how those relationships with large age gaps worked once the older partner becomes geriatric and the young partner is still, well, young comparatively. I’d prefer for us to both become geriatric together one day.

I was 22 and my wife was 20 when we first met. She was very “cute” and pretty. I wouldn’t describe her as overtly “sexy” back then. When I look at pictures from back then I can’t believe how young and “innocent” she looks. I don’t remember her looking that young, like she was still in high school. I was instantly attracted to her and in a much different way than I had been to any woman before. There was an intense attraction physically as well as an attraction to who she was as a person. I think she’s even more attractive now in her 30s. She’s gone from a very young, almost innocent sort of appearance to a beautiful woman who is more confident in herself than she was in her early 20s and I find her confidence and sense of self very attractive. There’s also something more sexy about her now than when she was 20, 21, 22. I can’t imagine wanting to be with a woman barely out of her teens and finding her more atttractive than my 37 year old wife in any way. Porn really does very little for me these days because I don’t find most of the women attractive at all. If I’m going to masturbate I rather fantasize about my wife. This doesn’t even touch on how the non-physical aspects, her character, our relationship, the way she mothers our children, and all sorts of other things play into how attractive she is to me and why no other woman compares. It doesn’t mean that I don’t ever see another woman who I think is physically attractive, but it’s a passing thought and that’s it.

Admittedly, there are things my wife could do that would probably cause a loss in attraction on my end, and I’m talking both things she could do in our relationship, choices she could make that I would not find attractive in a person, as well as some physical things. If she were to stop taking care of herself and gain 100 pounds that would probably affect things, but not my love for her.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

High and dry said:


> Even if it has nothing to do with me, as she claims, I still think it’s interesting that what is supposedly true for men who overindulge in porn seems to be true for my wife. So I’m still left wondering if it’s in fact true for most women who overindulge in porn. We act as if men are the only over-users of porn.


I disagree that anyone is saying only men overuse porn. At least I’m not saying that. From what I’ve seen, men in porn are not good looking. They’re not even clean looking. They’re Ron Jeremy types. IMO, the fact that she’s not looking at their faces makes me suspect it’s the situation and not the person she’s obsessed with. I’m not excusing her behavior, I was attempting to make you feel better. Sorry about that. I don’t know your wife, and I can’t say with any certainty why she’s doing once she’s doing.


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I disagree that anyone is saying only men overuse porn. At least I’m not saying that. From what I’ve seen, men in porn are not good looking. They’re not even clean looking. They’re Ron Jeremy types. IMO, the fact that she’s not looking at their faces makes me suspect it’s the situation and not the person she’s obsessed with. I’m not excusing her behavior, I was attempting to make you feel better. Sorry about that. I don’t know your wife, and I can’t say with any certainty why she’s doing once she’s doing.


I don’t think you or anyone here is saying that, but in general most of what you hear and read tends to be about men addicted to porn or the negative affects of men watching too much porn.

Yes, most men in porn aren’t attractive but there’s a lot of amateur stuff out there with more normal looking guys who aren’t the stereotypical Ron Jeremy types. My wife mainly watches amateur stuff, or so she says. Still, she has a very particular type of body she will watch and says if they show his face she has to turn it off and find a different one. She has shown me what she watches. She doesn’t like when there are storylines either. It’s literally just to sex she wants to watch. It’s frustrating yet somewhat puzzling and intriguing to me.

For the record, I don’t think most woman in porn are attractive, especially all of the barely legal ones you frequently see. They do nothing for me. The overly plastic and made up ones also don’t do anything for me. Contrary to what some women think, all men don’t fantasize about being with Pam Anderson. Let’s be honest, most porn stars aren’t even on that level. I like more natural, classy looking women.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

High and dry said:


> My wife mainly watches amateur stuff, or so she says...She doesn’t like when there are storylines either. It’s literally just to sex she wants to watch. It’s frustrating yet somewhat puzzling and intriguing to me.
> 
> For the record, I don’t think most woman in porn are attractive, especially all of the barely legal ones you frequently see. They do nothing for me. The overly plastic and made up ones also don’t do anything for me. Contrary to what some women think, all men don’t fantasize about being with Pam Anderson. Let’s be honest, most porn stars aren’t even on that level. I like more natural, classy looking women.


I agree in many respects. I prefer romantic sex with no story lines, just interaction. I do like to watch arousal.

If your wife is just interested in the trusting, that is interesting. Visual type?

On another note that might or might not be related to the question of sexual attraction. When I was castrate for cancer treatment I made sure I had an erection every day to maintain penile health. My wife kept an eye on it, too. She had an instant solution on the days I failed to "exercise". 😊 I found that my personal erotic fantasy was more arousing than porn. In the fantasy I often became aroused watched another man having sex with the woman. I had the thought that it might be because I saw the other man as my whole self, in contrast to my castrate self. (Ha! Or maybe it was an expression of my being monogamous.  ) Self image means a lot in being able and confident in sex. And to how we feel about our lovers.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

BigDaddyNY said:


> ED can be a combination or physical and mental issues. I wouldn't jump straight to a lack of attraction. He should get looked at by a doctor. He might benefit from something like daily Cialis. If all is physically good then you can pursue the mental/psychological side of things.


Can also be medication related side effects. Dr prescribed me hydrochloraquin, big drug used for lupus, COVID or just arthritis inflammation. One side effect is ED. Umm nope! Left the rest of that script in the medicine cabinet. The soldier was AWOL and did not report for duty!


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Julie's Husband said:


> Guess I didn't get the message. My goal was monogamy. Some women hit on me for hookups and recreational sex, but my desire was a long term relationship and I took myself off the market.
> 
> Over 45 years of monogamy has been completely satisfying. Sometimes I wish my wife had been the first and only, but to be honest I didn't have the social skills needed to develop a relationship without the help of the other ladies.


Same here, been with my beloved for 26 yrs and we both wished we had met each other in HS. I have memories of other women, I wished were erased from my memory. She wasted 10 yr in a marriage with a serial cheater. Same time my wife is 54 and me 50, she can walk by and I'm ready to go! No she don't have the same body as she did at 27 yr old. After 2 kids, she has added 30 lbs. At same time she went from 34C to 36DD. BUT She walks by too close and she is gonna get snatched up and hauled to the BR. 😜 She is no longer the size 1/3 she was, but I love and know every square inch of her body.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> Same here, been with my beloved for 26 yrs and we both wished we had met each other in HS. I have memories of other women, I wished were erased from my memory. She wasted 10 yr in a marriage with a serial cheater. Same time my wife is 54 and me 50, she can walk by and I'm ready to go! No she don't have the same body as she did at 27 yr old. After 2 kids, she has added 30 lbs. At same time she went from 34C to 36DD. BUT She walks by too close and she is gonna get snatched up and hauled to the BR. 😜 She is no longer the size 1/3 she was, but I love and know every square inch of her body.


You've descried my wife and I to a tee, we're even about the same ages. I'm 51 and she is 54. Only difference is when we met I was in HS and she was just 1 year out. I am very thankful that she is my one and only. I'm as in love with her now as I when I fell for her 35 years ago. Judging by the way she acts around me I would say she feels the same way.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Cancer68 said:


> 54 I am and he's 49


He probably has T issues at that age.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

Divinely Favored said:


> I have memories of other women, I wished were erased from my memory...No she don't have the same body as she did at 27 yr old. After 2 kids, she has added 30 lbs. At same time she went from 34C to 36DD. BUT She walks by too close and she is gonna get snatched up and hauled to the BR. 😜 She is no longer the size 1/3 she was, but I love and know every square inch of her body.


My wife is 75 and I'm 76. We've been married over 44 years and lived together a little over a year before marriage. Very dramatic relationship. She is from Australia and had lived in Germany. Didn't know whether she was going to stay in America so gave her freedom to make her choice that first year. And after. Maybe a poor man's bohemian version of Breakfast at Tiffany's.

We have both changed. I like to look into her eyes and tell her, "I see you (that beautiful young lady I married) in there. You can't hide from me." I constantly tell her how I need to seduce her and ravish her.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

BigDaddyNY said:


> You've descried my wife and I to a tee, we're even about the same ages. I'm 51 and she is 54. Only difference is when we met I was in HS and she was just 1 year out. I am very thankful that she is my one and only. I'm as in love with her now as I when I fell for her 35 years ago. Judging by the way she acts around me I would say she feels the same way.


I told my wife, I was the freshman boy who got the senior girl. I was just released from hospital due to severe motorcycle wreck at 14, when my wife married her HS boyfriend. 

Years later I danced with her at local club her hubby's band was playing at, she was sitting alone and denied a dance, shortly he was on the floor surrounded by groupie 304's. She came to me and asked if I wanted to dance. Then her hubby got pissed and wanted to make a scene. Should have just beat his little ass then...wished I had..I owe him for the **** I endured due to his infidelities.

The age gap bothered her for a bit as I was same age as her baby brother...but I was older than my age.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> I told my wife, I was the freshman boy who got the senior girl. I was just released from hospital due to severe motorcycle wreck at 14, when my wife married her HS boyfriend.
> 
> Years later I danced with her at local club her hubby's band was playing at, she was sitting alone and denied a dance, shortly he was on the floor surrounded by groupie 304's. She came to me and asked if I wanted to dance. Then her hubby got pissed and wanted to make a scene. Should have just beat his little ass then...wished I had..I owe him for the **** I endured due to his infidelities.
> 
> The age gap bothered her for a bit as I was same age as her baby brother...but I was older than my age.


I had just finished my sophomore year in high school and my wife had graduated the year prior. I felt like the big man dating the HS grad, lol. We still joke about it.


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