# I need to slow my roll!!



## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Or sumthin!! Lol!

I'm 6 months out of a failed engagement. I met a fella about 2.5 ish months ago and he's so super cool and sweet and we really enjoy each others company. I could so see me catching feels. Haven't yet, but here's my rub....

I don't want to have a FWB relationship, but that's kinda where we are at. I've tried to hint at wanting more and he DOES get it, but he "can't tell what might happen in the future." We have also talked about other FWB's and apparently that's a deal breaker. So we are essentially in an exclusive FWB thing (yes, I know that's not really a thing.)

Yes, it's early out of a relationship for me. He's been divorced 10 years and hasn't dated anyone in over a year. He doesn't even want to say we are "dating." (No labels.) He has mentioned (jokingly) that he is just my rebound, which is not the case at all. I've been chatting with, seeing other fellas very casually (without the sex.) But I genuinely LIKE this man. He is a good man, and treats me very well when we are together. 

I don't have strong feels yet, but I can definitely see them coming. And quite frankly I don't want to become attached if it's leading nowhere. I don't mind waiting (I know 2.5 months IS pretty early) but I don't want to end up hurt. Although non-reciprocated feels is significantly easier to move on from than a divorce or broken engagement. 

Man I got issues. Lol! Advice?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

It's much too earlier after coming out of a messy, hurtful long term engagement. Why the rush for commitment, enjoy what you have right now.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Yes, you are right!! And it's not about commitment, really. I don't much care about labels myself. I guess it's just more about the feels. But maybe I'm worried about it because it is way too soon out of the previous mess. I dunno. I think I mainly want to know HOW to slow my roll. How to keep things from leveling up too fast (emotionally.)


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

In other words.......teach me patience, Obi-Tamwan! Lol!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Id be very wary of anyone who spouts the "no labels" thing. That usually translates into "I'm really a commitment phobe who doesn't tie myself to anyone or anything. Ever." I dated a bloke like that many years ago. Never went anywhere and I was kept in one compartment of his life, his family and friends in another. And never the Twains did meet.

The fact that this guy has come out and said, however "jokingly" that he's your rebound, says that he has genuine concerns about it. He's hedging his bets. Which is fine, as long as everyone's up front about their feelings.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Well perhaps I'm over thinking things (as usual! Lol!)

He invited me over tonight to meet his 17 year old daughter for the first time. I was sooooooo not expecting that AT ALL. Lol! He seemed positively happy to see me. 

Chill, GA Heart.......chill. Enjoy the ride.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Working on 5 months in now. And nothing much has changed with the exception of some feels (shoot me now.)

I can say that I think he's got something that resembles feels for me, which is a good thing. And although we don't really talk about feels, neither of us are in LOOOOOOVE or anything crazy like that. (Although I think he thinks I am.)

We see each other 3-4 times a week and have a great time when we hang out. At his house. Always. We have not been out not one dang time. He's been to my house twice. 

Problems: I'm not sure it's going anywhere. Yes, perhaps I should just "enjoy it," "slow down," blah blah. And I GET that logically. And I could actually do that IF we were seeing other people. But he wanted exclusivity pretty early on. But he also doesn't want "labels." Although recently he admitted that we are "more than friends." Yay! (Really?) 

I very much like this fella. A lot. A lot a lot. And I could see me falling for him harder. But I'm always going back and forth with his intentions. He seems so sincere and caring when we are together, but he literally puts forth ZERO effort in doing anything extracurricular with me. I've accused him of not wanting to be seen in public with me and he denied it fiercely. He also said I could post stuff of his Facebook if I wanted to. I haven't, because I just don't know what to post. Lol! I did share a funny video I told him about once. He replied. 

I really need advice. I'm about ready to give up. Am I expecting too much, too soon? It's just feeling like, yet again in another "relationship," I'm the one doing all the caving. If I want to see him, I gotta initiate. He will initiate if I literally don't text him for like a day or 2. It's always me texting first, even though some days it's only 3-4 texts. Nothing major. Just a quick check in. I've tried to stay silent, but DAMN it's hard, and honestly that just feels like games to me. I'm NOT overbearing and not coming across as needy (he has said I'm not.) And while I feel like things are fine when I'm right in front of his face, it seems like I'm barely an afterthought otherwise. He definitely enjoys the attention I give him, but doesn't seem too interested in giving much back. 

Help? Am I expecting too much, too soon? I'm not all about labels myself, but I have gently expressed my feelings about going out and doing something together. (Not hinting, I came out and said it.) It doesn't even have to be a "date." Just let's go on a hike or a swim or something!

I honestly think my main issue is not the lack of "doing something" but the lack of knowing how he truly feels. I have asked (in a round about way this time to avoid making things awkward.) He got it though and basically skirted. He's good at that. Saying just enough then changing the subject. Sometimes I feel like he's testing me or something.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Eeks, I met a few of these guys. They can seem awesome but don't want labels and commitment and you have to watch you aren't being too needy and girlfriend-y and eventually you'll be walking on egg shells to not express your real feelings cause you don't want to scare him away. They seem to be super charming and lovely but somehow end up getting what they want without having to give much in return and has an easy out whenever you make a fuss. It is games and you will get tired of it. 

IMO- run away now. It doesn't improve. You're not going to make him fall so much in love with you that he changes his mind and decides to commit. 

If I could go back and tell myself to run away from some guys, I would. But he's so nice and sweet and such a good man. No. Run away.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

See, and that's the kind of thing I need to hear. Even though it sucks. :'(


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Oh and my friends saw it before I did and they told me to run away cause he was a f*ck boy is disguise. I didn't believe it cause he was sooo sweet and nice and just was really careful about taking things slow and didn't need "boyfriend/girlfriend" labels.... 

They were right.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Most of my friends see what I see.....a good man. He IS one of the good ones, but commitment-phobic. He has been hurt, but ****. I've been hurt multiple times. Maybe I'm just more of a glutton for punishment than he is. Ha. 

I'm so happy for the people who get it right the first time/when they are young. But I'm jealous too.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Because, frankly.....I'm too old and tired and fed up for much more of the bs.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He's apparently not interested in dating you if all you've been doing for five months is hanging out at his house several times a week. Sounds like you're basically a FWB. If you aren't good with that then it's time to move on.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Moving on will be hard. I don't want hard feelings, but I don't think there would be any. Heck, I could handle a FWB situation if we weren't exclusive. That was his idea and I've called him out on it by getting him to admit that "exclusive FWBs" isn't a real thing. And then he recently said we were more than friends when I jokingly (or not so much) referred to us as f**k buddies. I was laughing, but he got real serious and said that. 

I get thrown enough bones to keep me hooked. Problem is, I want meat......


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Yep, this one only wants to be FWB. If you cant deal with that, then you need to get away from him.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Maybe he doesn't want to risk the possibility of STD's in a non-exclusive situation-- who knows what his reasoning for that is. But he's not your bf and after five months he should know if he wants to be or not. So you either stay or go. Your history is you tend to stay in unsuitable situations years too long. I hope for your sake this isn't another one.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

My biggest mistake was trying to analyze actions and words from him that could maybe point to him wanting more when he told me what he is ( didn't want labels of commitment) and I should have listened to just that. 

You're wasting time on something that is going nowhere when you could be out looking for something that will last. 
And like you said, I felt I was just too old for it and needed more.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

GA HEART said:


> Moving on will be hard. I don't want hard feelings, but I don't think there would be any. Heck, I could handle a FWB situation if we weren't exclusive. That was his idea and I've called him out on it by getting him to admit that "exclusive FWBs" isn't a real thing. And then he recently said we were more than friends when I jokingly (or not so much) referred to us as f**k buddies. I was laughing, but he got real serious and said that.
> 
> I get thrown enough bones to keep me hooked. Problem is, I want meat......


While you think he is a nice guy he may not be.Let me let you into a secret about dating multiple woman,compartmentalisation.Big word but very important.In his life you are the girl who he brings to his house and yes,you met his daughter.There is probably another girl who he meets at the gym or while following his hobbies and he brings her to restaurants and or nightclubs.Try turning up unexpectedly at his house and see what happens.
May I ask you do you have any location services on your phone and if you do turn them off when you are not with him.
This guy seems "off" to me and I have a nose for these things.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

If you want to be a girlfriend you have to act like a girlfriend. That means don't hook up with guys that won't take you out on dates and give you a relationship, if that is what you want.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Did you spend any time by yourself (without a man) after your last break-up? Doesn't sound like it. I think you need to get into therapy and figure out why you need a man to make you happy and seem to continuously pick duds. I'm not trying to be mean, but seriously, learn to make yourself happy before dating. I believe the advice from professionals is to wait a year before dating anyone seriously after a break up. I think you would be wise to heed that advice.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

GA HEART said:


> We see each other 3-4 times a week and have a great time when we hang out. *At his house. Always. We have not been out not one dang time*. He's been to my house twice.
> 
> I very much like this fella. A lot. A lot a lot. And I could see me falling for him harder. He seems so sincere and caring when we are together, but *he literally puts forth ZERO effort in doing anything **extracurricular with me*. I've accused him of not wanting to be seen in public with me and he denied it fiercely.
> 
> ...


You are expecting too much when it comes to this guy. But, more importantly, you are willing to waste your time and energy trying to figure out this guy's motives and settling for the crumbs he tosses your way. What you are essentially saying is you like a man who puts no effort into doing anything with you or going anywhere with you. You initiate. He doesn't return the attention you give him.

How does he really feel? Not much. He's using you for sex. He enjoys boinking you. He's not interested in establishing a relationship. And he can clearly see you are willing to settle for this; at least for the time being. Nope, no testing being done by this guy. You are reading far more into this "relationship" than is there.

I'd suggest you get into some really serious counseling to see why you find a creep like this worth your energy. Seriously. You are being played. Big time.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Openminded said:


> Maybe he doesn't want to risk the possibility of STD's in a non-exclusive situation-- who knows what his reasoning for that is. But he's not your bf and after five months he should know if he wants to be or not. So you either stay or go. Your history is you tend to stay in unsuitable situations years too long. I hope for your sake this isn't another one.


And see, this is the kind of answer I really was after. If 5 months was long enough for him to have made up his mind or if I was still expecting too much, too soon.

And yes, I have a sh*t history. I will own it and do my best to not repeat it.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

Sounds like he has been pretty clear about where he stands. I don't see that as commitment phobic at all; he has his boundaries for his own reasons. 

Is he demanding anything of you that you do not like or want to provide? Is he saying he will give or do something that he doesn't give or do?

Just based on what you have written here, I don't see that he is doing a single thing wrong. I think your expectations are the problem, despite what he seems to have been clear about.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Expectations, expectations. I can say that I agree with what the Magnesium posted. But if his boundaries are not acceptable to you then you have to move on. It sounds like perhaps it the exclusive aspect of the relationship you are uneasy about. It is your life if you want to be exclusive be exclusive if you want to date multiple men, then do it. Then it is up to him to either step up or step back


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Magnesium said:


> Sounds like he has been pretty clear about where he stands.
> 
> Just based on what you have written here, I don't see that he is doing a single thing wrong. I think your expectations are the problem, despite what he seems to have been clear about.


Absolutely correct. And I amend my response. This guy wants a FWB. Nothing more. It is the OP's hope that this will evolve into something more. It sounds like OP's "man-picker" needs to be fixed if she is looking for a committed relationship. It's great to want that type of relationship, but it's not going to be found with this particular man. So, he's not really a "creep" as I said. He's just a guy who wants sex without a commitment. He's showing who he really is. The OP just has to accept that for what it is.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Counseling is all well and good. I've gone off and on for many, many years. I know my issues and I am a continual work in progress. But at what point am I allowed to accept me for me? I am not young, I am almost 40. And I am not dumb, naive, needy, nor co-dependant (according to all the counselors I have been to.) So while I appreciate that advice, please know that self improvement and soul searching is always priority, and it is an always evolving process for me.

Yes, it is soon out of my last relationship. Too soon, really. But here I am. It was a year out of my first one and two years out of my second one before I tried again. So this one was only a couple months. I'm human. It happens. Wrong? Maybe. Am I here now? Assuredly. 

And then we have devils advocate that says perhaps it's my expectations that are in the wrong. And honestly, that has been my struggle with the whole issue. Because I've been wondering if that is the case now. I go back and forth. (Due to sh*t for self worth or whatever else someone will recommend counseling for? Who knows?) 

I'm not defending myself here, because at the end of the day we all do what we do. I have loved and utelized this forum for many years. For whatever reson, totally impartial strangers' opinions help expand the old rusty mind. And I do truly appreciate all the input. 

I just wish I knew what was the right action. All my personal friends (my best friend of 15 years has met him and likes him) think I should stick it out a bit. Most of you all here think I should run for the hills. What really matters is what I think, but I don't know what I think. Hence the delimma.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

The relationship has stalled, doesn't mater what/why or who does/did/wants what. At five months it should be picking up steam, and since it's not I say it's never going to be more than a friendship. Time to move along.


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

My dad was supposed to marry a woman he dated for years and broke up with her 5 days before the wedding, started dating my Mom and they were married 2 months later. They were married 23 years when he died and happy. You never know.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

When you guys hang out always at his place, do you always have sex? Have there been times where you've just hung out without sex? Do you think he has money issues? Meaning, he can't really afford to take you out?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

GA HEART said:


> Moving on will be hard. I don't want hard feelings, but I don't think there would be any. Heck, I could handle a FWB situation if we weren't exclusive. That was his idea and I've called him out on it by getting him to admit that "exclusive FWBs" isn't a real thing. And then he recently said we were more than friends when I jokingly (or not so much) referred to us as f**k buddies. I was laughing, but he got real serious and said that.
> 
> I get thrown enough bones to keep me hooked. Problem is, I want meat......


Don't ever settle for bones.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

GA HEART said:


> Counseling is all well and good. I've gone off and on for many, many years. I know my issues and I am a continual work in progress. But at what point am I allowed to accept me for me? I am not young, I am almost 40. And I am not dumb, naive, needy, nor co-dependant (according to all the counselors I have been to.) So while I appreciate that advice, please know that self improvement and soul searching is always priority, and it is an always evolving process for me.
> 
> Yes, it is soon out of my last relationship. Too soon, really. But here I am. It was a year out of my first one and two years out of my second one before I tried again. So this one was only a couple months. I'm human. It happens. Wrong? Maybe. Am I here now? Assuredly.
> 
> ...


I don't think you should run for the hills, but I'd see others, and I'd make him aware of it. If he doesn't like it, who is he to dictate everything? It sounds like he doesn't want you to see others, but he doesn't want to be your boyfriend, and he doesn't want to give you too much to go on. Time to date others, and you might just throw this fish back in the ocean. 

Don't ever settle for bones. You don't need his bones.

He's not that sweet, I think as women, we sometimes create this fantasy of a situation in our minds that's not really happening. A guy who says a few nice things here and there, doesn't make him really sweet. Or a guy who is capable of sending some nice texts. A really sweet, good guy would not throw you bones, and keep you guessing all the time. BS also about being commitment phobic, no, it's about being selfish. That's what he is, actually. Start seeing people for who they are, and not what you wished they'd be, and you'll end up in better relationships.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

No, we absolutely do not have sex every time I go over there. We just hang out most times. He cooks for me, I wash dishes. We watch tv, cuddle, listen to music. He has taken me out on his boat once. He has said he very much enjoys my company. He appreciates the fact that I'm not demanding. He likes that we can have fun no matter what we do, which is true. He has talked about me to his coworker. I've met his coworker and his wife, and his neighbors/good friends along with his daughter. It's like I'm the girlfriend......just without the title or us actually doing anything. I highly doubt he is seeing anyone else, but he could be talking to someone. He does text with some old ex's occasionally, but he tells me about it. 

So yes, I suppose it has gotten marginally more relationship-like. ???

But no, I don't want bones. And his sweetness doesn't really come from words. He's never been very romantic or poetic verbally. It's in the little actions. They almost seem second nature when he does them. Although they aren't all the time.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

GA HEART said:


> No, we absolutely do not have sex every time I go over there. We just hang out most times. He cooks for me, I wash dishes. We watch tv, cuddle, listen to music. He has taken me out on his boat once. He has said he very much enjoys my company. He appreciates the fact that I'm not demanding. He likes that we can have fun no matter what we do, which is true. He has talked about me to his coworker. I've met his coworker and his wife, and his neighbors/good friends along with his daughter. It's like I'm the girlfriend......just without the title or us actually doing anything. I highly doubt he is seeing anyone else, but he could be talking to someone. He does text with some old ex's occasionally, but he tells me about it.
> 
> So yes, I suppose it has gotten marginally more relationship-like. ???
> 
> But no, I don't want bones. And his sweetness doesn't really come from words. He's never been very romantic or poetic verbally. It's in the little actions. They almost seem second nature when he does them. Although they aren't all the time.



How do you know that he doesn't refer to you as his gf to others? I don't think he's seeing anyone else, either. I just think that he wants you on his terms. And you go along with it. As long as you continue to go along with it, he'll grant you worthy to be in his life.  That's how it looks, anyway.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

That's how it looks to me too. I think I do need to see other people.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

aine said:


> It's much too earlier after coming out of a messy, hurtful long term engagement. Why the rush for commitment, enjoy what you have right now.


My, my....Aine....

FWB's......and you sanction this?...




Me too. :smile2:


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

He absolutely wants FWB with you and nothing more. It won't ever progress to anything beyond that. And that's fine if you're BOTH wanting the same thing. The problem here, is that you want more - and that's ok!

But you're not going to get it while you're with this guy. Absolutely nothing wrong with you seeing other people as long as you tell him about it. He may decide that he's not ok with that - and that's fine, but you'll need to end things. That's honestly the best thing that could happen, because while you're keeping him company 3-4 nights a week at his house, you're missing multiple opportunities to meet your Mr Right.

I dated a guy just like this once. Worst mistake of my life. I was young, single, never been in a long term relationship before. He was 10 years older than me, divorced with three children. I was so in love with him, but had so little life experience in that area...he should have known better than to ever get involved with me. Like you, we rarely went out anywhere, and if we did it was to places far away from where either of us lived. I never understood why, but accepted his explanations as I didn't know any better. As time went on and I got older and wiser I knew I didn't want to be a secret. I deserved better than that. He too would spout the "no labels" bs, and every conversation as to what exactly our relationship was or where it was going would go round and round in circles, never resolved. When he did eventually break it off, I was left shattered and heartbroken. He really did a number on me. Had I been older when I had met him, I likely would have never gotten involved, but I was young and naive.

I really hope this doesn't happen to you GA. I wish you nothing but the best x


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

And a story for you OP

I met my now bf one time while I was with my "no label" bf. I didn't even speak to him really, he tried to talk to me but I brushed him off. In my mind I was being fully faithful to my "no label" bf. 

After I finally realized that it was going nowhere and I left, new bf approached me online asking me out and I said yes. He liked me then and thought he either said something bad or I was not interested. Then he just got a gut feeling to try again and it was perfect timing. 

I hate that I could have been with new bf months before and I had wasted all that time going nowhere. Plus new bf could have met someone else while I was playing gf to someone who didn't "believe" in labels. 

I almost missed someone great who wants a future, who wanted me to be called his girlfriend proudly and takes me out holding my hand and naturally mentions things like "oh next summer we should..." like I am in his plans and future goals. 

Looking back I'm so mad at myself for not standing up for what I deserved and that's someone who is proud to be my boyfriend and sees a future with me. Who dates me and makes effort for an actual relationship. I am worth all that. And so are you.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

GA HEART said:


> Moving on will be hard. I don't want hard feelings, but I don't think there would be any. Heck, I could handle a FWB situation if we weren't exclusive. That was his idea and I've called him out on it by getting him to admit that "exclusive FWBs" isn't a real thing. And then he recently said we were more than friends when I jokingly (or not so much) referred to us as f**k buddies. I was laughing, but he got real serious and said that.
> 
> I get thrown enough bones to keep me hooked. Problem is, I want meat......


GA Heart, the only reason he wanted sexual exclusivity in the beginning was, of course, due to not wanting to take risks with his sexual health. There are also some men who simply don't like other 'dogs' dirtying their play-toys. That's not about love or feelings, it's more about their ego.

And honestly, this guy literally has to put *zero* effort into this arrangement. Zero. You show up at his house and do whatever you do, then you leave and go back home when it's over. Jesus, he doesn't even have to put on his shoes or get behind the wheel of his car. For a lot of guys, this is the ultimate 'relationship' where a woman comes to their house, is happy to have sex with them or hang out and have dinner, and then she leaves and he's had to do absolutely* nothing *at all but be a 'great' guy as you call him.

He's done nothing wrong - he was honest from the get go and told you that you were an FWB. You said you never wanted to settle for being an FWB, yet you accepted the situation anyway, but have been trying to change the rules ever since it started. When a guy tells you right up front that you're only an FWB and you accept it, he's telling you that he doesn't see you as 'girlfriend' material but hey, if you're willing to come to his house and have sex with him or make dinner and hang out without ANY expectations, then that would be greeeaaaat (said in my best Office Space voice).

He's not 'the one.' And he doesn't want to BE 'the one.'

However, I will say he's a bit selfish and inconsiderate. He knows perfectly well that you've invested more feelings into this than he has. You've brought up little things here and there trying to feel him out and he's always managed to dodge it or change the subject. Plus, you've acknowledged that he already suspects you're in love with him. So he knows the score where you're concerned. He's not completely oblivious to how you feel.

And because of that fact, don't you find it pretty ****ty that he KNOWS this and is *still *taking advantage of the situation? I mean, how selfish does one have to be when they clearly know that someone has moved far beyond the original agreement and is now invested emotionally in them, and they STILL keep taking from that person? While I think he's fond of you, at the same time, I think it's pretty lousy that he *continues* to take what he needs when he knows you'll eventually be devastated. That says a lot about his character - and none of it good.

If he were a TRULY 'great' guy like you keep saying he is, then he'd care a lot more about *your* welfare and show you some respect and talk to you about the situation. And if he had any integrity at all, he'd tell you that he's nowhere near where you are emotionally, and he can't in good conscience continue your 'arrangement' because he doesn't want to see you get hurt.

But he *hasn't *done that. He continues to pretend it's status quo even though he knows you're emotionally invested, and continues to take what he needs and ignores the rest.

Great guy?

Nope.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I agree - you should date others. That is not to say you have to stop seeing him, but don't put all your eggs in one basket. Go out and date and have fun. But of course make sure and tell him. I'd be curious to see what his reaction is.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I'm not sure about the still seeing him and dating. She has emotional feelings for him, other men won't have a fair shot if she's still emotionally entangled with this man. She'd be narrowing her dating pool to men who were ok with multi-dating (I never wanted to be one of many even in the early days so I wouldn't do it to them) 

You can't fully invest in building a relationship with someone if you still have a foot in someone else's door. 

I would not like to be dated while the man was still seeing the FWB he hoped to have more with. I wanted a man who was free of all past ties, no emotional connection with someone else. 

I'd just end it, take time to be sad and then get back out there. 

Sometimes all it takes is a little heartbreak to refuel our fire and remember our standards and find someone wonderful. I used every fail as a tool to build me up and remember my worth and got pickier and pickier until I knew exactly what I wanted (and didn't) and refused to settle for less. 

Plus, being single is addicting. You start to love it. OP, make single life amazing. Watch the shows and movies you like. Listen to your guilty pleasure songs on high in your underpants around the house. (I have a Spotify list just for this)
Walk around in a face mask with no bra on. Treat yourself to nice things. Find a hobby you love.

That means anyone coming into your life has to enhance the awesomeness and not just fill time. That makes you a lot more selective over who you consider.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Love your post, SGC!!! And I agree with it, really. I have been in the position where FWBS served me. But I just don't want it in my life now. This one is gonna have to sh*t or get off the pot.

But how's this for more bones: I don't just go over there and leave. I've stayed the night multiple times. He even encouraged me to leave a toothbrush and contact stuff over there.

Regardless, we have a chat coming up. Today it kinda came to a head. He's seeing my displeasure for the first time, and is not taking it well. I called him out on a 5 minute drive to my house not being worth it to him. He got real defensive, said I was being ridiculous, and of course he thought I was worth it. Aaaaaaand that was it. (Yes, we literally live about 5 minutes apart.) That was several hours ago and I haven't heard from him since.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He may eventually show up at your house or he may not but apparently he doesn't much like compromising -- and being called out about it. 

That's a red flag all on its own.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Right??? This really kinda blows.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

My no labels guy did a lot of bf things. I stayed the night, we'd snuggle and watch movies, we'd go for take out and he told friends about me, bought me flowers once. 

Still was a no labels guy and didn't want anything official and all of it said to me that I was good for now but he'd keep his options open for better. I wasn't someone he wanted to build a future with. I was fine for as long as I suited his needs and made things easy for him. Any fuss at all would cause him to just flip it all off and put it all on me. He could only cope with the happy parts of a relationship so he kept them all in that space until they weren't happy and moved on to the next. 

If I put pressure to get more serious he'd push me away and make me feel bad. Why can't I just live in the moment? Why does a label mean more to you than what we have now? I'd apologize and tell him things are fine and we were back to normal until I realized I was being duped again. 

I also looking back realized how immature, selfish and low emotional capability he had. It was good to leave him.


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## KrisAmiss (May 1, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Jesus, he doesn't even have to put on his shoes or get behind the wheel of his car. For a lot of guys, this is the ultimate 'relationship' where a woman comes to their house, is happy to have sex with them or hang out and have dinner, and then she leaves and he's had to do absolutely* nothing *at all but be a 'great' guy as you call him.
> 
> Great guy?
> 
> Nope.


"He appreciates the fact that I'm not demanding."

I'm sure he does! smh


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

KrisAmiss said:


> "He appreciates the fact that I'm not demanding."
> 
> I'm sure he does! smh


And why shouldn't he? 

It seems people are projecting nefarious thoughts and motives on this man simply because his stated expectations differ from the desires of the OP, who appears to be moving very quickly after a long and drawn out complicated and toxic relationship. 

If I stated to someone that I do not want a birthday party, but would enjoy a small celebration at home with only one or two close friends - nothing fancy, expensive or complicated - but, that someone kept attempting to throw me that large, expensive do while I kindly explained repeatedly what I did want, it is not on me to feel badly because they want to throw me a party and are bent out of shape because I wouldn't want that myself nor be appreciative of it.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Honey, you need to wake up and smell the coffee! This guy is a dud. You need to get in therapy to work on your self confidence and self worth.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

I broke things off with him last night. I am ok.

I am aware of my worth, perhaps its an issue of believing it at all times? And I am usually very confident. I am in all areas of my life except this one. And it only waivers when I start to get feelings.

Honestly, I think my problem is one of attraction. I meet a lot of people. Only attracted to the duds (apparently.) 

I could get back in therapy, and likely will at some point. But most therapists really don't know what to do with me. Truthfully! I have never had any of them tell me they see a legitimate problem. I've gone to them and told them exactly my problem, and they generally tell me what I already know I should be doing and then send me on my way. I've had good ones that have enlightened me with some tidbits along the way. But it's really few and far between. There aren't a lot of options here in my area, and my insurance is wonky about paying for it.

I know that I shouldn't worry about finding something real. But tell that to my stupid brain. It's not like it's all consuming, and I am a [email protected] good woman who has her sh*t together. Everything but the love life. Ugh.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Same here, sister! 

Good for you for breaking things off with him.


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## KrisAmiss (May 1, 2017)

GA HEART said:


> most therapists really don't know what to do with me. Truthfully! I have never had any of them tell me they see a legitimate problem. I've gone to them and told them exactly my problem, and they generally tell me what I already know I should be doing and then send me on my way.


Curious what you see your problem as. Maybe you're trying to solve the wrong one?

The guy said, this is what it is and you thought that would change with time, love, development... It's almost like a challenge.

I've been talking to a guy who said women SAY they want a relationship but they really just want sex with a trusted partner. That's what he believed. i think he has Aspergers or something but I found him odd cuz first I said I wouldn't have sex with someone for a long time (technically I'm still married!) cuz that muddles up "the feels", that I'd like to get to know someone well. I have trust issues. Plus why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Yet he kept throwing in stuff about sex... So, whatever, this guy wasn't LISTENING. Next...

Do you listen?


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