# Do all marriages go from being in love to just being companions/partners?



## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

In a discussion with my H earlier this week, he stated that he believed all marriages go from being in love with each other (having passion & affection) to just being companions (basically friends with benefits). Do you agree with this? 

I know that a marriage is what the couple make of it as long as they're both on the same page on what the marriage should be, however I find it hard to believe that every marriage ends up being just friends with benefits.


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## mylife2469 (Jun 10, 2016)

For months its more like a roommate situation. I don't know how to bring anything back to relationship after all the problems and fighting and stress. Think mine is hopeless. I don't think any marriage should end up friends with benefits. If your in love you should both want to put the work in

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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I think you'll find some answers and some confusion in both of these links. Hope they help.


https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...1206/the-12-ties-bind-long-term-relationships

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...201212/what-is-the-passion-in-passionate-love


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Nope.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

That can happen but it doesn't have to. It hasn't with my wife and me, but then I'm being pretty careful not to let it get that way by wussing out (to use a technical term).


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Nope.

I'm actively IN our marriage, and Dear Hubby is actively IN our marriage, so we make the effort all the time to keep the fires blazing. I can honestly say it's not like that first sweaty-palm infatuation, but I barely knew him then! Now I know him SO much better and every day I find something new about him that I like and/or respect and/or appreciate! 

Plus, we make the effort to keep each other interested. It helps a lot that we both have very similar drives and passions, but still, I try to keep myself sexy TO HIM and smelling good and wearing stuff that makes him drool. And he wiggles his groove thing when he walks past me (that's my weakness--his behind is MAGNIFICENT) and he teases and whistles at me....and we KEEP IT alive. 

No...definitely NOT "just roommates" but rather companions sharing everything in life: thoughts, feelings, highs, lows, joy, sorrow, and as much sex as we can muster!


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

That's simply not true. It doesn't happen in all marriages. My marriage has been full of passion for 19-1/2 years. We hold hands, hug, say "I love you" many times every day. We pet and tease each other all the time. We are also best friends, companions, and have regular hot sex. Like any marriage, it has had its ups and downs, but we've remained committed to each other. Unless there was a health reason, i.e. a couple of surgeries for me, we have very good sex no less than 4 times a week, usually 5 to 6 times.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

I think it's okay for that to happen but only if both are content with it. I just don't think it's as common as he thinks.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sometimes my wife drives me crazy.

But I still love her.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Affaircare said:


> (that's my weakness--his behind is MAGNIFICENT)


LOL. :laugh:


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Affaircare said:


> No...definitely NOT "just roommates" but rather companions sharing everything in life: thoughts, feelings, highs, lows, joy, sorrow, and as much sex as we can muster!


Yes, this, we jokingly say we are cell-mates.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Do all marriages go from being in love to just being companions/partners? No. Mine certainly hasn't gone this route. (My first marriage deteriorated far worse, but this one continues to greatly exceed expectations!)

There was some research done on this several years back. About 20% of long-term marriages (20 years or more) are very happy (as I recall, this did mean passion and affection - i.e., being "in love"). Of course, that means 80% of long term marriages don't fare as well (but many of these may still be decent, worthwhile marriages). Since many marriages fail for a variety of reasons and end in divorce before the 20-year mark, the overall percentage of very happy marriages is probably quite a bit lower.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

A year or 2 ago I was thinking it was over. Sex was becoming more and more infrequent. I was convinced she wasn't attracted to me anymore. Finally I asked. What Mrs Nail said blew me out of the water. "I still get butterflies when you walk in the room or say my name". That was after over 20 years. Not sure what happened to the sex, but the passion never died. If I could just get her to say things like that more often than once in a decade.

Learn from this.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> In a discussion with my H earlier this week, he stated that he believed all marriages go from being in love with each other (having passion & affection) to just being companions (basically friends with benefits). Do you agree with this?
> 
> I know that a marriage is what the couple make of it as long as they're both on the same page on what the marriage should be, however I find it hard to believe that every marriage ends up being just friends with benefits.


I've always said that marriage is a full time job. You get out of it, what you put in. You can't let everything go without investing in the marriage and expect it to continue to thrive. 

I felt too, that if it gets to the point where only one spouse is investing in the marriage, that too, will eventually grow old. One can't carry all the weight and investing. 

So, no, I don't feel that's an accurate thought for all marriages.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## luvherlngtym (Feb 5, 2015)

Definitely doesn't have to. Married 36 years and we are still passionately in love. Sure the passion was a bit stale raising kids, but now that we are empty nesters look out! Constantly hugging, kissing, and basking in a glorious union. The sex is way better now and way more frequent than when we were in our 20's, 30's and 40's. You have to work on your marriage to not let it get stale and complacent.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Mr. Nail said:


> A year or 2 ago I was thinking it was over. Sex was becoming more and more infrequent. I was convinced she wasn't attracted to me anymore. Finally I asked. What Mrs Nail said blew me out of the water. "I still get butterflies when you walk in the room or say my name". That was after over 20 years. Not sure what happened to the sex, but the passion never died. If I could just get her to say things like that more often than once in a decade.
> 
> Learn from this.


So is the sex back at this point? If not, I'm not sure how meaningful her statement is...


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Sounds like there are plenty of marriages out there keeping it strong! Unfortunately, my marriage is complicated by an addiction but my H is in denial about several things. I would like to believe that our marriage can be saved, but based on his comments, he has no expectation that it'll get better than 'friends with benefits'. Not sure that I'm good with that.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

The amount of passion in a long-term marriage is highly dependent on the people involved in the marriage. I would guess that someone's natural personality is going to greatly influence if they keep up the romance later on.

When people are just starting to date, the hormones create a lot of passion. Pretty much all relationships start out great. When those hormones fade, you're left with the normal personalities of the couple. If someone has a naturally flirty personality, I would expect they would be able to maintain more passion throughout the marriage. But if someone is more of an introvert or emotionally distant, I would expect the marriage to cool down a lot.

It's probably extremely rare for that hot passion from the start of the relationship to last forever. But if both people like cuddling, flirting, and sex, I would expect they could still have a passionate relationship after decades of marriage. But even that will be complicated depending on how well they can handle their inevitable disagreements. If they also hold grudges, that can greatly diminish the passion.

So given all the obstacles to long-term happiness, I would guess most marriages do fade down to a more close companionship type of relationship. But not all of them, and the lucky few get to live forever in a close, intimate relationship with their best friend.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

> ...snip...the lucky few get to live forever in a close, intimate relationship with their best friend.


What came up for me when I read this is, "When a woman friend zones a man, she doesn't want to have sex with him".

Do you really want to be her friend in the classic sense?


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> What came up for me when I read this is, "When a woman friend zones a man, she doesn't want to have sex with him".
> 
> Do you really want to be her friend in the classic sense?


In the long-term passionate marriages I've seen, the couple are essentially best friends. They call each other often, look forward to doing things together, want to be together as often as possible, etc. I think being friends is a component to maintaining the love. But if one spouse sees the other as just a friend and not a lover, that obviously will be a problem.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> What came up for me when I read this is, "When a woman friend zones a man, she doesn't want to have sex with him".
> 
> Do you really want to be her friend in the classic sense?


Define classic sense. We were friends long before we wound up in between the sheets. We are still best friends and really enjoy being with one another and want to have sex. Keeping the sex going in the face of major life changers, not kids, necessitated some work and a lot of communication (2 or 3 times in 25 years) but it was important to us and the marriage and we both knew it.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

wilson said:


> In the long-term passionate marriages I've seen, the couple are essentially best friends. They call each other often, look forward to doing things together, want to be together as often as possible, etc. I think being friends is a component to maintaining the love. But if one spouse sees the other as just a friend and not a lover, that obviously will be a problem.


Check out those links I posted. I think one of them says pretty much what you posted here. The 12 things one, I believe.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

CharlieParker said:


> Define classic sense. We were friends long before we wound up in between the sheets. We are still best friends and really enjoy being with one another and want to have sex. Keeping the sex going in the face of major life changers, not kids, necessitated some work and a lot of communication (2 or 3 times in 25 years) but it was important to us and the marriage and we both knew it.


Platonic.


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## Nix (Jan 23, 2012)

Falling in love is easy. Staying in love is hard. People change, and sometimes they become completely different people from the one you married. Not everybody is able to handle the ups and downs of married life. Sometimes this only becomes clear over time. Also, if either person has a mental illness, a buried trauma just waiting to explode, or an avoidant personality, then the odds of staying together are pretty slim IMHO.

However, if both partners are essentially healthy individuals and commit to working through the many obstacles all couples face, regardless of age, sexual orientation, financial status or any of that gobbledeegook - then there is no reason in the world love and marriage can't last forever. The nature of the passion changes. It's more of a simmer than a boil, but it should still boil over regularly.

I am learning with my W that the road of marriage is long and brutal., but also endlessly rewarding and always worth it.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> Platonic.


Yeah, no that's not going to work. We're friends in the sense of partners in crime.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Nix said:


> Falling in love is easy. Staying in love is hard. People change, and sometimes they become completely different people from the one you married. Not everybody is able to handle the ups and downs of married life. Sometimes this only becomes clear over time. Also, if either person has a mental illness, a buried trauma just waiting to explode, or an avoidant personality, then the odds of staying together are pretty slim IMHO.
> 
> However, if both partners are essentially healthy individuals and commit to working through the many obstacles all couples face, regardless of age, sexual orientation, financial status or any of that gobbledeegook -* then there is no reason in the world love and marriage can't last forever*. The nature of the passion changes. It's more of a simmer than a boil, but it should still boil over regularly.
> 
> I am learning with my W that the road of marriage is long and brutal., but also endlessly rewarding and always worth it.


You must be new here. :laugh:


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

CharlieParker said:


> Yeah, no that's not going to work. We're friends in the sense of partners in crime.


Right, then you're not really friends in the classic sense. I don't think that is friends at all.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> Right, then you're not really friends in the classic sense. I don't think that is friends at all.


Too deep for me :smile2:


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

wilson said:


> The amount of passion in a long-term marriage is highly dependent on the people involved in the marriage. I would guess that someone's natural personality is going to greatly influence if they keep up the romance later on.
> 
> I believe we all have a core personality and that it's formed relatively early in life. Every person goes through growth and changes, but I believe the core personality stays the same.
> 
> ...


Either we are one of the rare few or it's not quite as rare as one might think. Either way, I'm lucky.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

We are 36 years married; dated exclusively for 3 years in college; first marriage for the both of us. Neither has cheated. We still have the passion. We have our professional careers and bring to our marriage all we have and all we earn. We are without children by choice for the both of us. All our accounts are joint and passwords to everything are transparent.

We don't text each other or call throughout the day while we are at work. We call only when very necessary. When we get home, we are both excited to see each other and account for the day's events. We go on dates with each other. My husband has a nickname for me, "Pretty Girl". When he greets me at the end of the day with "Hi, pretty girl!", I still feel like a teenager. We're both the romantic type, so very compatable in almost all areas. 

It helps to be a good listener and a good communicator. These traits will go a long way.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Mr. Nail said:


> A year or 2 ago I was thinking it was over. Sex was becoming more and more infrequent. I was convinced she wasn't attracted to me anymore. Finally I asked. What Mrs Nail said blew me out of the water. "I still get butterflies when you walk in the room or say my name". That was after over 20 years. *Not sure what happened to the sex,* but the passion never died. If I could just get her to say things like that more often than once in a decade.
> 
> Learn from this.


Bits of our bodies just either fall off, dry out or quit working.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

tech-novelist said:


> That can happen but it doesn't have to. It hasn't with my wife and me, *but then I'm being pretty careful not to let it get that way by wussing out *(to use a technical term).


What do you mean?


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## mylife2469 (Jun 10, 2016)

A 40 year old woman and a 37 year old man. Sex 3 minutes every two weeks. Most nights I sleep in chair in kitchen. He says give him time. I say bullcrap. He's got to be getting it some where else. In 10 years from new love to roommates that don't get along. 

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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

mylife2469 said:


> A 40 year old woman and a 37 year old man. Sex 3 minutes every two weeks. Most nights I sleep in chair in kitchen. He says give him time. I say bullcrap. He's got to be getting it some where else. In 10 years from new love to roommates that don't get along.
> 
> Sent from my Polaroid PSPT350 using Tapatalk


Why are you sleeping in a chair in the kitchen most nights?


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## mylife2469 (Jun 10, 2016)

Because after listening to him cuss and yell at night I don't want to sleep in same bed

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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

mylife2469 said:


> Because after listening to him cuss and yell at night I don't want to sleep in same bed
> 
> Sent from my Polaroid PSPT350 using Tapatalk


Why even stay in the same house?


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## mylife2469 (Jun 10, 2016)

I am the only American on a ranch of 800 people in Mexico. Just moving out isn't like in normal world

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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

wilson said:


> In the long-term passionate marriages I've seen, the couple are essentially best friends. They call each other often, look forward to doing things together, want to be together as often as possible, etc. I think being friends is a component to maintaining the love. But if one spouse sees the other as just a friend and not a lover, that obviously will be a problem.










I've always felt this way...



Luvher4life said:


> That's simply not true. It doesn't happen in all marriages. My marriage has been full of passion for 19-1/2 years. We hold hands, hug, say "I love you" many times every day. We pet and tease each other all the time. We are also best friends, companions, and have regular hot sex. Like any marriage, it has had its ups and downs, but we've remained committed to each other.


We are the same after being together 30+ years... (married close to 27)...I just did a post on this.. Many of these feelings are hormone induced.. 



> I was just reading about this last night...in this book which explains all this , how our hormones effect our brains etc.. it is very scientific *>>*
> 
> Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love
> 
> ...


Looking at myself...I think I've always been rather adequate in the dopamine department, depending on what I was after or had my mind set on....which spurs my emotions, that craving for Union, Romantic passion to my husband.. since he feeds it back to me.. (very affectionate man).... it's just an energizing thing.. makes you feel alive, fulfilled inside...also you want to give back..

We have other pressing issues in our lives right now.. with 2 sons going to College this fall (costly), husband learned he had skin cancer (the easy one to take off , "basal cell" thankfully), and a possible Lay off looming (significant pay cuts for our family)...despite these worries..there is this feeling of being wanted /cherished by each other.. whatever comes.. we'll get by together ...the sex life hasn't slowed down... these little things, how we treat each other, being thankful for what we have... just really brightens each & every day. 

A couple articles on this...

>> Brain Study Reveals Secrets of Staying Madly in Love
What brain scans teach us about intense long-term passionate love


>> Brain Scans Reveal Similarities Between Those Who Just Fell in Love and Long-Married Couples


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

tech-novelist said:


> So is the sex back at this point? If not, I'm not sure how meaningful her statement is...


Well that is an interesting point. From there it went down to 1 x per week then lately up to 2x per week and a few spares. So never sexless just mismatched and the return of physical passion is very nice.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Holland said:


> What do you mean?


I mean that I have to stand my ground if she's being unreasonable, rather than giving in to avoid having an argument, as the latter would cause trouble down the line.

Of course she can also have legitimate dissatisfaction with something I'm doing, in which case I will deal with it rationally, often changing my behavior. But I will not put up with complaints that don't have a valid basis.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

You get out of your relationships what you put into them imo. Addictions take time and energy and usually take a higher priority than any relationship, therefore, a person with an addiction will invest less into their relationship. There really is only so much room in a person's life, only so much time in a day. You can have a fulfilling relationship or you can have an addiction. Honestly never met anyone who has both.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Yes they do, if the love is not replenished often. Left to it's own devices, a relationship will lose all love that makes it worth staying. Any will. Many psychologists and psychiatrists believe it just takes simply no contact for six months and the attention of another, to end love's hold. I believe it. I lived it, yet one of us hasn't lost that love. And I think I know why that is.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Been married 20 years, together for 22. I am still very much in love with my wife and find her very sexy. She is in love with me too. There is a companion aspect, but it increases our love for each other as well.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> Sounds like there are plenty of marriages out there keeping it strong! Unfortunately, my marriage is complicated by an addiction but my H is in denial about several things. I would like to believe that our marriage can be saved, but based on his comments, he has no expectation that it'll get better than 'friends with benefits'. Not sure that I'm good with that.


Sounds like your concern over being just friends with your husband is a way of avoiding a different pink elephant in the room.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

cons said:


> Sounds like your concern over being just friends with your husband is a way of avoiding a different pink elephant in the room.


The pink elephant is a different thread. That thread is the very seed of the issue and that seed has grown into all of these other complications in the marriage. The seed has to be addressed before we can even start to address all of the other issues, IMO. My H doesn't see it that way.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> The pink elephant is a different thread. That thread is the very seed of the issue and that seed has grown into all of these other complications in the marriage. The seed has to be addressed before we can even start to address all of the other issues, IMO. My H doesn't see it that way.


I want to give you a big hug....it hurts so much when the one you love cannot or is unwilling to try to love you in the most important way you need. Unfortunately it's gonna a take a strong backbone on your part...setting boundaries (which it sounds like separation/divorce may be the option you need to exercise)....

For any of us to answer all of these other peripheral questions is just taking away energy and brainpower from where you need to be focus...working on you...building yourself up...realizing that you have worth outside of the situation you find yourself...


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