# Should I be worried?



## Almost a Fairytale (Feb 18, 2013)

I have asked my husband to cut ties with a woman who he has been friends with for quite some time because they cannot converse appropriately to one another. She uses terms like 'my love' and 'baby'. I sent her a text and asked her not to address him that way. I also told my husband I felt it was inappropriate that she refers to someone elses husband that way and I felt those terms for reserved for couples not casual friends. He claims she has always used those terms with him. After he agreed it was inappropriate I caught him calling her 'love' via a FB message later the next day. This was a few of months ago now and he claimed he was not talking to her. I then found out that during the course of one month (December) they had sent over 2000 texts back and forth and that this was only happening while he was at work. He says I have nothing to worry about and has since stopped texting her. He claims he asked her to stop texting him also. Now a month later I find that she has sent numerous texts though he is not responding to them. Should I confront her, again?

I would like to add that he insists he does not talk to her because he does not want it to negatively affect our marriage more than it has. I trust that he has attempted to break ties but I don't think she is happy with that and continues to engage him via text.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yes you have something to worry about. Your husband has been having at least an emotional affair.

No you should not contact her. Ignore her. 

Is this woman married?

He should block her on his phone. If that does not stop her, he needs to change his phone number.

Are they peers at work? Of is one of them the other's boss? suprevisor?


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## Almost a Fairytale (Feb 18, 2013)

She is in a relationship. He was friends with her when he was with his ex-wife. No, they do not work together and he does not see her in person. When he was married to his ex-wife they did have an experimental physical encounter (threesome) but that only happened once and it was well before I was in the picture.


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## Almost a Fairytale (Feb 18, 2013)

I have met her before and she seemed like a very nice person. i had no issue with his friendship until I saw a text on his phone one morning saying "Are you there my love?" I replied "yes" and she replied "how was your night baby?" This was the begining of me having a big problem with the friendship!


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Yes you should. They have a sexual past. 2000 texts in a month....that's crazy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

It went from inappropriate to unfaithful when he lied to you and continued doing this behind your back.

He needs consequences.


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## Almost a Fairytale (Feb 18, 2013)

I told him the 2000 texts were ridiculous and that he and I did not even text that much. Since early January I have been occasionally checking our mobile account so he is unable to lie about the frequency of texts. It sucks having to do this but it is the only way I can start to heal the trust between us. I have seen that she is texting him but there is no reply on his part.


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

I "feel" from your OP that you're focusing on her as the perpetrator in all of this rather than him.

That's common. It's also wrong. 

The reality is, she doesn't owe you anything. (shouldn't be this way...people should respect other people's marriage vows...but a lot don't)

And your grievance is with your husband, not her.

He's the one who made vows to you. And then lied to you.

Are you sure he's ended communication with her completely?

I wonder...

Also, he can get a new cell number. It's a hassle, sure...but...worth it in this case.

Further, it wasn't just the "terms" (my love, baby) that he/they were using that were inappropriate....it was the communication period.

Once you're married, you don't have straight, opposite-sex friends anymore.

You don't communicate and socialize with other women (or other men) without your spouse being present. 

That's a marriage 101 rule. And if this persists, it's totally deal-breaker behavior.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

Tweak. I wouldnt put up with that **** for one second. I had some idiot acquaintence say something about a mating call to my wife in front of his fiance. I offered him the option of getting knocked the **** out or apologizing inside Best Buy. He apologized and then I told him not to ever talk that way to my wife again or next time he will be picking up his teeth.


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## Almost a Fairytale (Feb 18, 2013)

"Once you're married, you don't have straight, opposite-sex friends anymore.

You don't communicate and socialize with other women (or other men) without your spouse being present. 

That's a marriage 101 rule. And if this persists, it's totally deal-breaker behavior."

Not sure I agree with this but thank you for your input. I think men and women should be able to have friends of the opposite sex even after marriage. We live in a very social world and telling my spouse that he has to completely cut ties with long lasting friends he has made during his life before me seems wrong even if they are women. I would expect to meet all of his friends and hopefully have them be a part of my life also. I think if any of the friends do not respect the marriage then the friendship should be questioned as it has been in this case.

As far as her owing me anything, I agree, she does not but I would think that if she cares for him then she would want him to be happy and in a happy marriage. She has her own life and relationship and I would expect her to respect his life and relationship. That is what being a real friend is about. Again, that is the reason why the friendship is in question.

He is not innocent in any way here and he knows it. I have told him that it will not go well for him if he continues and as far I as can tell he has respected my wishes. It is her that has not. Changing is number would be drastic as we use our cell phones as our primary contact method. Unfortunately, text messages cannot be blocked.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

Your husband is having an emotional affair with this woman. 2000 text that he hid from you and terms if endearment he is heavy in infatuation with her. It's highly unlikely he went cold turkey and I would not take his word that he did. He already hid this relationship from you. How do you know he has not been physical with her again? Fact is you don't know and you cannot trust anything he tells you. There are hundreds of apps to communicate through that will not leave a trace on your phone, also there is email. I just tell you this because unless you actually had a huge confrontation and discussion, acknowledgement, show of remorse, transparency about his "cheating" he likely is still communicating with her. People who are high on infatuation do not go cold turkey and life as usual at the drop of hat. She text him because she is in the habit of texting him does not for a second mean they are not communicating by other avenues. 

Btw do you know how infatuated he must be to send 2000 texts from work? Think about that, how much work could be have gotten done? His mind completely consumed with this woman. There is nothing casual about their relationship. I wouldn't trust that this just ended.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almost a Fairytale (Feb 18, 2013)

coffee4me said:


> I just tell you this because unless you actually had a huge confrontation and discussion, acknowledgement, show of remorse, transparency about his "cheating" he likely is still communicating with her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




We did have a huge confrontation and discussion. He knows I don't trust him and has given me all access to email, phone, etc. There was remorse and admittance that his behavior was wrong. If he is communicating through other means then I guess I can't stop him but if I find out then his whole world will be a mess.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Two words: New number.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Yes,2000 text messages a month is a red flag.AAF have you seen his text message amounts from previous months?No doubt,your husband has been texting her back on a massive scale and it is emotional flirting and cheating via texting. This is something a married man does not do.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

A new number will not change anything if he wants to communicate with her. 

I agree fairytale if he wants to communicate you can't stop him. I hope you are still communicating with him about this discussing why he did this. There is a reason why he sought this relationship with her, some need he's not getting filled. What did he get out of it? Ego boost? Affection? You need to keep talking and find out these things to fix the problem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

That _no straight, opposite-sex friend_s rule...is one of the few absolutes I have...

To reiterate...it's not that you can't have opposite-sex friends...it's that (in general) you don't spend time with them or communicate with them when you're not also with your spouse



If you think about it:

When you're married, why do you need to be texting some other man or woman?

Why do you need to have lunch/dinner/go out with them without your spouse?

What is so pressing, and so personal...that it can't be said in the context of a double date?

Well, in answer to those questions, I think your own situation is stark evidence as to why this rule is best kept inviolable and absolute:

_The "bad" that it can usher into a relationship...trumps any good that these "friendships" may produce_


ALso, regarding the cell phone issue. My cell is my primary means of communication too (in fact, I don't know anyone that relies on their home phone as a primary means of communication now besides my grandparents).


Yes it's drastic. But then, this isn't exactly a 'small' issue either...

I think the inconvenience of changing numbers and informing everyone of said change is a hassle your husband has quite deservedly brought upon himself...



But obviously, to each their own...


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## Almost a Fairytale (Feb 18, 2013)

At this point, her texting his phone is a small annoyance. Since mid January there have only been about 20 all incoming with no reply from him. The previous months counts, however, are surprising to say the least.

He got the new phone on my account in Aug of 2012. Before that it was still attached to his parents account.

Incoming/Outgoing from said woman:
Aug - none
Sept - none
Oct - 3191
Nov - 1075
Dec - 1981
Jan (mid) - 778

I questioned the amount of texts and his reply was that he did not realize the amount of texts going back and forth and he agreed it was ridiculous to say the least. I will say though, the ratio was 4 incoming to 1 outgoing. 

He claims they were mostly about her boyfriend because he abuses her and she needed someone to talk to. He has known her for about 10 years now. I have met her once in our 4 year relationship. We were FB friends for a awhile but knowing she was still friends with his ex-wife, I removed her. He had a horrible marriage and divorce with his ex and I would rather her not get any glimpse into our life together.

Make no mistake, we talk about it, often. I do not let him think I am not aware of what he does. He is a homebody so I do know he is not seeing her personally. He has work and home and that is all.


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## Almost a Fairytale (Feb 18, 2013)

When I found the text that led me to look back at the history I did text her myself and told her that her "terms" were inappropriate and she apologized and agreed. She claimed it was innocent and that she referred to many of her male friends like that. I said that was fine for them but not for me and I would like her not to speak to him that way. She agreed but the texts did not stop at that point. It was not until I saw the amount of texts that I had an issue and asked for it to stop.


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## Almost a Fairytale (Feb 18, 2013)

IndiaInk said:


> That _
> To reiterate...it's not that you can't have opposite-sex friends...it's that (in general) you don't spend time with them or communicate with them when you're not also with your spouse
> _


_

Agreed._


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