# Letting go of Resentment...is it possible?



## Tryinghard (Aug 3, 2009)

Hello...I have been married almost 20 years and there has been a history of infidelity(both of us) in our marriage. My husband complains a lot about my lack of wanting sex or that I don't initiate and I know that it basically comes down to me being resentful towards him for things that have happened in the past or for the way he has treated me. He kept asking me why I don't initiate or why I reject him at times. One time out of frustration I told him that I resented him constantly 'pawing' at me....at inappropriate times..and constantly. He has a high sex drive and I don't...which is part of the issue. I told him the reason why I don't initiate it is because we have sex often enough (he initiates) to satisfy me. He then would try and ignore me for a period of time to see if I would initiate (and then I would)..but he was just so darn grumpy and angry by that time, I didn't enjoy his company or want to have sex with him anyways. His life revolves around wanting sex....he's miserable if he doesn't get it often enough...and the more miserable he is the less I want to have sex with him.

I am REALLY desperate to make my marriage better, and my question is, how can I let go of this resentment and move on with my life???!!! It's depressing the hell out of me...I can't seem to move forward but I really do love my husband and want to stay in our marriage...

Any advice is much appreciated..!


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## KittyKat (May 11, 2008)

Do you do other things together? What is he like after you have sex? Is he attentive or is it wham, bam, thank you ma'am?

Would you feel more in the mood if you did things together?

As for the resentment, have you spoken to your husband about this? How do you not know that the reason he wants sex so much is because he's afraid you'll cheat again? Or maybe he feels you're not intimate with him because you are cheating now.

It's always difficult when one has a higher sexual appetite than their spouse.
Ask him what one or two things he would love to do, other than sex, that you can join him in. 

It's hard to really answer your question when we don't know what the rest of your marriage is like.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

It's a conscious effort to let go of the resentment. He can do all the romantic things you want, and unless you CHOOSE to let the anger go...the steps he/you take to fix your relationship will only keep you going in a circular path. You see where the resentment has gotten you...so the ONLY alternative you have is to let it go and THEN work on strengthening your bond. Sometimes people hold on to anger like it is a security blanket, and become oblivious to the real impact it has on ALL aspects of their relationship.


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## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

Tryinghard, I can completely relate to what you are saying. My H of twenty-one years has an extremely high sex drive and is constantly making comments, "pawing," following me around the house, much like a male dog is around a female dog in heat. It is annoying, aggravating and downright embarrasssing at times.

I have told him over and over that there is a time and place, but it never seems to sink in. He sometimes does this at the most inappropriate times and places. It makes me angry and is a huge turnoff. He wonders why I don't want to show him affection, and I have told him that it is because any affection toward him immediately makes him want to head somewhere, anywhere for sex. It is exhausting, to say the least. I have no problem showing affection, but I am not interested in jumping into bed five times a day. He is fifty-six years old and acts like a hormone raging teenager! :slap: :banghead:


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I wonder if when your needs are met and you see that his are not, if you could have more sex just because you love him and because he'd enjoy it.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i dont know how often some of you are having sex, but i bet you'd be b******g if your husbands werent showing any interest in you at all. there is definately reasonable expectations when it comes to sex and certainly there are unreasonble expectations. if you have little to no sex drive, once a month might be annoying to you. by the same token i would think 5 times a day is a bit much (maybe not for some). i just hate to see it when either partner sees sex with their spouse as being a chore.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I think the real problem here is the underlying resentment. It isn't really about sex. It is about not feeling valued and not having respect for one another. If you are having a good relationship, sex just flows. If you're not, and you know he's not getting enough and you feel bad/guilty/angry/whatever, he's not allowed to touch you at all because in your mind, it is all about sex. So what's he supposed to do? He's not allowed to touch you?

If you held hands all of the time, if you did caring touches all of the time, then you wouldn't see every gesture as a sexual overture.


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## chuckf75 (Sep 6, 2009)

I agree that when one spouse has a higher sex drive than the other it can be very frustrating for both of you. But what about doing it even when you don't feel like it and just enjoying the sensation of touching and being together? Is he a good enough lover to make you feel good about yourself? If he is all about the climax then it would make it less fun. Frankly, my ex did not like sex as much as me but she rarely turned me down. She just let me have it and tried to enjoy the touching part. Today I have a wife who has a larger sexual need than me and I sort of do the same thing. Just focus on the loving feelings and the touching.


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## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

You are right about the resentment, but the resentment wasn't there before his affair. He also worked away from home, doing something that he loved doing, which was his choice, and I totally supported that, until I learned of the affair. 

I had done virtually everything for him, including raising his three children plus my own two while working full time. I loved him with all of my heart and was totally devoted to him, until he shattered it all after twenty years of marriage. That is when the hurt, resentment and anger set in. 

I am working very hard, trying to deal with this ultimate betrayal, but it certainly hasn't been easy.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

I find it interesting (as with so many other times on this topic) The women suggested ideas for outside the bedroom. The guys suggestions: Just give him more sex...is it really that awful?

I've been in this person's shoes - the constant groping, in the house, in the car, in public. It gets to the point that all we think you need/want us for is a sexual release and we begin to resent that. If you somehow showed us that you wanted us in other ways and for other reasons then we would be more welcome to sexual advances - as long as they we aren't constantly being assaulted every second we aren't in bed with you.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

TNgirl232 said:


> I find it interesting (as with so many other times on this topic) The women suggested ideas for outside the bedroom. The guys suggestions: Just give him more sex...is it really that awful?
> 
> I've been in this person's shoes - the constant groping, in the house, in the car, in public. It gets to the point that all we think you need/want us for is a sexual release and we begin to resent that. If you somehow showed us that you wanted us in other ways and for other reasons then we would be more welcome to sexual advances - as long as they we aren't constantly being assaulted every second we aren't in bed with you.



why do you resent that your man wants you? not trying to get personal but do you like sex with your man? if you do or at least act like you do then he knows that and sees sex as something you can do together that benefits both of you. if you repel his advances or act like you dont like sex, he will eventually leave you alone to the consequences of your constant rejections. 

and by the way, it has been beat to death in here before, but the showing that we want you in other ways hasn't really amped things up for me and many other guys. you'll end up with what you want but he likely wont get what he wants


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Well...that was my ex-husband I was talking about - my new husband and I have no problems. He is lovey with me in public and at home - but that lovey is through kisses and hugs and rubbing my back, where as with my ex it was grabbing my breast or between my legs....see the difference? 

Its not so much I resent that my man wanted me....I resented the fact that it was all he wanted from me. The rest of my life was criticism on how I didn't do this or that right and how I never lived up to expectations. Honestly - what about that behavior makes me want to go have sex with someone?


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

TNgirl232 said:


> Well...that was my ex-husband I was talking about - my new husband and I have no problems. He is lovey with me in public and at home - but that lovey is through kisses and hugs and rubbing my back, where as with my ex it was grabbing my breast or between my legs....see the difference?
> 
> Its not so much I resent that my man wanted me....I resented the fact that it was all he wanted from me. The rest of my life was criticism on how I didn't do this or that right and how I never lived up to expectations. Honestly - what about that behavior makes me want to go have sex with someone?



you left that part out originally, thats a different story


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## chuckf75 (Sep 6, 2009)

It is a bummer when two people have different sex drives and I see OK's point about what if the man does what you women want but does not get more of his needs met because of it? A compromise is in order, more affection (without pawing) but perhaps more sex for him as a result. And that more sex should not mean some resentful "I have to do this" but the lady actually enjoying giving herself to her man (not nessasarily an orgasium but just enjoying the being together and touching) Of course some men are awful lovers, not garnering that response from their woman. I think it is all about caring for each other and trying hard to meet the others needs. If you both take care of your spouse in every way, they will hopefully return the same. Give and ye shall receive and I mean men too!!!


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

This isn't about two different sex drives, people. This is about a relationship gone wrong.

So, does this guy grab you inappropriately or does he make gestures which you interpret as groping, pawing, etc.?

Have you talked to him about how angry you still are about his affair? Do you know why it happened? What did he do to make amends?


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