# Wife isnt receptive



## KinleeRock (Mar 24, 2013)

Ok guys, this is my first post ever. I need help. My wife and I have been together for 14 years, I am 32 she is 29 and we have one child. Years ago, we had a very fulfilling sex life, but for the past few years it has been lackluster to say the least. The ONLY way we have sex is if it is kinda planned out. There is absolutly no spontanious sex what so ever. I have to formally ask, and then, there is no real kissing or foreplay or anything like that. Just straight to the point. I really dont know what to do, I love my wife to death, but sex is a important thing to me ya know. I have tried talking to her and it just doesnt do any good. Does anyone have any suggestions on what I might help us in this situation. Thanks guys.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Don't ask because that is now a chore to her.

Just try without asking or complaining.. more manly.

Put the denials on her. Try as often as you want/need she is your wife.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

When you say talking to her does no good what go you mean? Does she refuse to discuss or does she give reasons for her lack of interest?


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## KinleeRock (Mar 24, 2013)

Maneo, I mean she will say that it isnt that way or "what do you want me to do", and I will tell her, but nothing ever changes.

Trying.... I guess I should have also put this in my op, but she also isnt very affectionant in general. There isnt ever any real kissing or hugging. So the whole spontanious thing is hard to pull off with her ya know. She will sometimes ask if I want to have sex, instead of just initiating it. 

Thanks for the help guys, keep the info coming.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Did she used to be more affectionate, back 'years ago' when you had a good sex life? When did things start to go downhill?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Is your wife paranoid about the kids walking in on you?


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## KinleeRock (Mar 24, 2013)

She did used to be more affectionant, not much more, but yes more. 

No, it isnt that, she always wants to wait until the kids are asleep for the night. Never have sex during the day or anything. No foreplay no nothing. Very vanilla so to speak


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

It sounds...
to me

like she's bored...
with you

Like if you were someone else, she'd be enjoying hot sex with you.

If you could rate yourself as lover,
how would you do?

How would she rate you?


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Is there anything in your wife's past that may have been an experience with sex that has given her this attitude?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Bottom line is: your wife has no sexual attraction to you. It's gone.

How tall are you and how much do you weigh? No joke, it's probably about half the problem. The rest is her subconscious thinks you're unmanly for talking about the situation on one hand and putting up with it on the other hand. 

I didn't say it made sense, but that's the way it is.

Download this book and read it tonight. You will immediately understand what needs to happen to get her interested in you.

A couple more questions: 

Does your wife work? 

Does your wife go out occasionally for GNO?


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## KinleeRock (Mar 24, 2013)

aribabe, I dont know about "rating", but she climaxes every time we have sex, usually more than one, up to maybe 4 on any given run of the mill times we have sex. Not that I am some great lover but I do alright. But like with the whole foreplay thing, like I will stimulate her, but she never pyshically touches "me", it is just kinda like get her ready and go..

Maneo... I dont think so, we have been together off and on since we were kids really. She was 15 when we got together so I think I would probably know, but who knows ya know. Dont get me wrong guys, I love my wife and love the sex we do have, I just want more of it and would like it to be more sexy and spontaneous. I just want a more adventurous sex life. Not like the whole swinging type thing, not that there is anything wrong with that, it just isnt for us I dont think. I just want a lady in the street and a freak in the bed so to speak. Maybe not a freak but a least more freaky...lol... 

Guys I appreciate the help, I really do. Any advice on maybe getting her into some sort of conversation or maybe how I could get her to get on here and check the site out maybe.


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## KinleeRock (Mar 24, 2013)

Machiavelli, I am 5'11", and about 225. I have never had any trouble getting women, I would consider myself attractive. Granted, I am getting older, I dont have the 6 pack anymore, I was always athletic, I played sports, raced motorcross, so I was in shape. Not so much now, but on the other hand, neither is she... My wife does not work, she is a full time student, and a very devoted mother. And she doesnt really ever go on a girls night out, we have friends we hang out with, but the bar scene isnt us ya know. thanks for the link


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## just_about_done (Feb 6, 2013)

Kinlee, first of all welcome to the club. I'll show you the secret handshake later.  

I hate to say this but at 5'11" 225 , unless you have a massive ammount of muscle, you're into obese territory. Start a diet and start working out. And read the MMSLP.

Maybe, you've caught this situation early enough to turn it around. I'm rooting for you!


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## KinleeRock (Mar 24, 2013)

Just about done... I sure wish I would have lied about my weight now....lmao... No seriously, I was always pretty muscular, but you are right, I am heavy now. Not real bad, but not real good either....lol... Thanks for the input


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Do you and your wife kiss? Do you hold hands? Is there any displays of affection that she is comfortable with? 

If the answer is no....that is where I would start to rekindle things....if that is possible. Both of you have to WANT this for it to happen. I do wish you well.


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## just_about_done (Feb 6, 2013)

Ok, I feel bad now. Not trying to be an a-hole. I'm 6' and was really shocked that 200lbs is right at the edge of obese. Just cut back your calories and do a few push ups and some cardio. I've dropped 20 lbs (assuming scales are acurate) in about 5 weeks. 

The good news is you're only 32and starting from a good frame, the weight should melt of you like butter. 

Head to the off topic section and check out the work out and diet threads. Some good advice and motivation there.

Good times buddy.


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## humdrumbum (Mar 2, 2013)

I don't think that's it. If she ain't horny, she ain't horny. I've had the exact same body for the past 20 years... yet my wife's libido has gone from good to non-existent. I don't think it's right to just blame the dude's physique. I don't think me losing 10 or 20 lbs would make any difference to my wifes libido. In my eyes, it's her with the problem.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Machiavelli said:


> Bottom line is: your wife has no sexual attraction to you. It's gone.
> 
> How tall are you and how much do you weigh? No joke, it's probably about half the problem. The rest is her subconscious thinks you're unmanly for talking about the situation on one hand and putting up with it on the other hand.
> 
> ...


Yes yes yes.... It has done wonders for me in just the last month.
We married guys forget over time what we did to get her to marry us. Become the man you were your wife will go sex ape sheet on you. Run the the MAP! Now!


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

KinleeRock said:


> Maneo, I mean she will say that it isnt that way or "what do you want me to do", and I will tell her, but nothing ever changes.
> 
> Trying.... I guess I should have also put this in my op, but she also isnt very affectionant in general. There isnt ever any real kissing or hugging. So the whole spontanious thing is hard to pull off with her ya know. She will sometimes ask if I want to have sex, instead of just initiating it.
> 
> Thanks for the help guys, keep the info coming.


I figured that already... your wife is like my wife of 19 years. STOP TALKING.

Truth is you have it better than me in terms of sex... so far right now ... But I'm further in the process... 3.5 years in a sexless marriage.

Bottom line... sex is *not important* to your wife right now, the more you whine/complain the worse it gets. Will it ever be important again? lets spin the wheel.
Women are NOT men... sex is way down their list unless for childbirth... its messier than for a man.. you put stuff in her. Its invasive to her.

Somewhere along the line YOU became boring.... and she realized you wouldn't leave her.

I look at it from her perspective...

"What do you want me to do?"... she has no clue. To her its not her its you. Because she looks at sex through her filter.... not yours.

Its pretty much the same as telling someone who hates XYZ to like XYZ.... that only happens when they themselves one day decide to like XYZ.

In terms of my wife...

She reached mid-life, is very busy and needs her sleep. I have already told my wife (as you did) how I want lots of sex with her. I don't try much just because if she is not into it... then I'm not either. You don't want to chase dead prey... I'll wait for live prey.

So I wait it out... I notice she does more for me...also critically I regain my sense of self. Deep down she realizes that our life is messed up in that area of intimacy. Eventually I believe she'll figure it out in her head one day. That way when I do try she will be less likely to reject and start to enjoy sex again with me. I pick my spots. 

I want a renewed marriage... not just the same old only way that happens is if she sees me in a more positive and masculine light. I take the high road... because that's a position of power. I treat my wife well, but not as well as when we have sex. I don't let her have any power over me. I do what want... when I want. I do what I do.. be myself.
I don't allow her to get under my skin at all. If she whines I ignore it... if she talks to me without whining I listen and respond. I don't bust my butt to impress her.. I bust my butt to do what I want and what I need to do for the family as a whole.

The wayward spouse needs to feel some effect from withholding sex. actions speak louder than word and steady consistency trumps knee-jerk reaction. The longer you go NOT TALKING about it the better off you are.

Its a form of MMSL which I read cover to cover... but most importantly it has to be sustainable... and not an act that makes you uncomfortable. So I tweak it some in fact i take parts out of many guides and incorporate them into my way of dealing with it.

I'd say I'm successful in the fact that our marriage dynamic is much better and I am able to cope... future is bright.

She actually initially kissed me on her own free will and we had sex this year (live prey)... first time that happened in over a decade. So things do change.

Slow and steady wins the race... make your wife adore you again. Then sex will come.

Things DO change... you can't control when though. Life is a marathon NOT a sprint.

THERE IS NO QUICK FIX! But you can certainly change the dynamic.


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## just_about_done (Feb 6, 2013)

humdrumbum said:


> I don't think that's it. If she ain't horny, she ain't horny. I've had the exact same body for the past 20 years... yet my wife's libido has gone from good to non-existent. I don't think it's right to just blame the dude's physique. I don't think me losing 10 or 20 lbs would make any difference to my wifes libido. In my eyes, it's her with the problem.


True. Losing weight might not do anything, but it wont hurt anything either. It's also not just about her finding him more attractive. Part of it is to plant a little fear/jealousy in her. If she sees him changing she may feel that her comfy position is threatened. Get her out of that comfort zone.

It's all in MMSLP. I hope the OP is reading it.


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## KinleeRock (Mar 24, 2013)

Yea, I downloaded the book and have already read some of it. Thanks guys


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

just_about_done said:


> Ok, I feel bad now. Not trying to be an a-hole. I'm 6' and was really shocked that 200lbs is right at the edge of obese. Just cut back your calories and do a few push ups and some cardio. I've dropped 20 lbs (assuming scales are acurate) in about 5 weeks.
> 
> The good news is you're only 32and starting from a good frame, the weight should melt of you like butter.
> 
> ...


Are you using BMI numbers from the gov't? At 200 lbs and 6', NFW should that be close to obese. It depends on your body type too, but the numbers do not factor that in.


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## KinleeRock (Mar 24, 2013)

I am with you plan 9....lol... Granted, I aint the thinest guy on the block, I know I am a bit heavy. However, I was always a very muscular, broad guy. I grew up on a farm and have worked hard since I was 15 years old. I am a pretty strongly built type guy. That been said, I agree I am a little over weight but obese.... Not by a long shot...lmao


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## just_about_done (Feb 6, 2013)

Calculate your BMI - Standard BMI Calculator

This is the one I used. You're right though 6' 200lbs is middle overweight catagory. Not sure where I was getting borderline obese. Maybe I was rounding lol.

Kinlee, yeah if you grew up on a farm a lot of your weight probably is muscle. I wasn't trying to offend you, sorry if it came off that way.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

just_about_done said:


> Calculate your BMI - Standard BMI Calculator
> 
> This is the one I used. You're right though 6' 200lbs is middle overweight catagory. Not sure where I was getting borderline obese. Maybe I was rounding lol.
> 
> Kinlee, yeah if you grew up on a farm a lot of your weight probably is muscle. I wasn't trying to offend you, sorry if it came off that way.


Err...I just put my H's and my measurements in that calculator...mine is 22. His is 42.9!!


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

KinleeRock said:


> I am with you plan 9....lol... Granted, I aint the thinest guy on the block, I know I am a bit heavy. However, I was always a very muscular, broad guy. I grew up on a farm and have worked hard since I was 15 years old. I am a pretty strongly built type guy. That been said, I agree I am a little over weight but obese.... Not by a long shot...lmao


It's the proportions that trigger the limbic attraction, unless you've got visible inguinal ligaments (5% BF or so). What you need for the visual, at minimum, is the Golden Ratio which is 1X waist at navel and ≥1.6X around shoulders. BF needs to be kept to 10-15% or so.

BMI is useless if you have any muscle at all.

Glad you're reading MMSL. It's not the be all and end all, but it's a great condensation of a lot of very important material.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

KinleeRock said:


> Just about done... I sure wish I would have lied about my weight now....lmao... No seriously, I was always pretty muscular, but you are right, I am heavy now. Not real bad, but not real good either....lol... Thanks for the input


Here is my almost stock answer...It is my almost stock answer because it saved my marriage....

Last November our relationship was in a bad place. My wife and I decided divorce was not the answer, so we bought the book.

The 5 Love Languages". It has improved our relationship tremendously....

It is a set of tools that allow a couple to fulfill each others emotional needs.....It can be read in a weekend, and in my case showed results within the first month...

All it takes is BOTH partners wanting it to work....I was a total skeptic...I fully intended to skim through it in a couple of hours and $hit can it...It changed me much for the better....

This afternoon My wife lay down beside me, and said she wasn't interested in anything except watching TV....

She was wearing some really nice perfume, jeans and a silky feeling top.....and did I mention she smelled really nice.....

I told her how good she smelled, and how beautiful I thought she was, and kissed her several times with real affection. I gave her a little backrub....

Can you see where this is leading....

We had the best sex!!!!!. 

It was fantastic. I can remember makin love to her when I was 19, and the sex today was just as wonderful, and just as breathtaking as it was back then....And I told her so..And it is what you would no doubt call VANILLA.... The sexual dynamite you need to put the kick back into your love life is right between your ears.....

PS, I am 66, and FAT.....


good luck
the woodchuck


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

You have the right approach and advice for the OP Woodchuck. And you other guys, quit obsessing over the weight thing.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Maneo said:


> You have the right approach and advice for the OP Woodchuck. And you other guys, quit obsessing over the weight thing.


No. It's very important.


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## michelle13 (Oct 23, 2012)

I agree with Woodchuck also. OP put more effort into the emotional side of your marriage and the sex part will follow. I was in much the same situation, or should I say my husband was. And it had nothing to do with how he looked, especially not his weight. There are a lot of big men and women who have fantastic sex lives.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

michelle13 said:


> I agree with Woodchuck also. OP put more effort into the emotional side of your marriage and the sex part will follow. I was in much the same situation, or should I say my husband was. And it had nothing to do with how he looked, especially not his weight. There are a lot of big men and women who have fantastic sex lives.


I guarantee you that when he looks like the photo below, his wife will be humping his leg at every opportunity. And if she still doesn't want him? Nooo problem, he'll have girls lined up by the dozens who do.


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## michelle13 (Oct 23, 2012)

Machiavelli ~ My hubby is just a bit less muscular than this statue and when we were having issues with him not meeting my needs outside the bedroom; I had very little enthusiasm in the bedroom and had difficulty really getting into it. Now that we have been resolving our issues our sex life has DRAMATICALLY improved. I don't think it has as much to do with looks as people seem to think. Now of course if there was Huge changes in a spouse's appearance it would affect the others drive and desire level. But it is usually not the only reason.


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## KinleeRock (Mar 24, 2013)

It is funny to me that my thread has turned into such a weight issue topic.... I think it is funny. For the record I have taken no offense from any of the posts. I get it, you guys are right, it wouldnt hurt me a bit to lose some weight. Anyway, thanks to everyone who has posted, each of you have brought something useful to the table. I appreciate it.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

michelle13 said:


> Machiavelli ~ My hubby is just a bit less muscular than this statue and when we were having issues with him not meeting my needs outside the bedroom; I had very little enthusiasm in the bedroom and had difficulty really getting into it. Now that we have been resolving our issues our sex life has DRAMATICALLY improved. I don't think it has as much to do with looks as people seem to think. Now of course if there was Huge changes in a spouse's appearance it would affect the others drive and desire level. But it is usually not the only reason.


It may or may not be all body, but it's the elephant in the room. I got a complete turnaround from my wife by dropping a lot of fat and putting on a lot of muscle. My clients do the same.

The whole point of marriage is a sexual exclusivity contract. The man provides food, shelter, and protection for the woman and her children and the woman provides exclusive sex to the man. If a man isn't getting lots of what he bargained for, he needs to examine himself and see if he's meeting his end of the bargain by being sexually attractive. If he's doing his part, then she isn't.


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## michelle13 (Oct 23, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> It may or may not be all body, but it's the elephant in the room. I got a complete turnaround from my wife by dropping a lot of fat and putting on a lot of muscle. My clients do the same.
> 
> The whole point of marriage is a sexual exclusivity contract. The man provides food, shelter, and protection for the woman and her children and the woman provides exclusive sex to the man. If a man isn't getting lots of what he bargained for, he needs to examine himself and see if he's meeting his end of the bargain by being sexually attractive. If he's doing his part, then she isn't.


Yeah I can see your point. Attractiveness has a lot to do with any marriage. If there is no attraction then how can a person (man or woman) genuinely enjoy sex with their spouse. I'm just saying that for a woman there is more to sexual attraction than just a mans body. Although having an attractive body helps dramatically...lol


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> It may or may not be all body, but it's the elephant in the room. I got a complete turnaround from my wife by dropping a lot of fat and putting on a lot of muscle. My clients do the same.
> 
> The whole point of marriage is a sexual exclusivity contract. The man provides food, shelter, and protection for the woman and her children and the woman provides exclusive sex to the man. If a man isn't getting lots of what he bargained for, he needs to examine himself and see if he's meeting his end of the bargain by being sexually attractive. If he's doing his part, then she isn't.


It may be the elephant in your room, but if what you say is generally true, then why are so many beautiful people relationships so short lived? 

Sexual exclusivity is one point of marriage but the Whole point? And when one spouse is unable to provide that sexual component because of sickness or some other physical infirmity not his or her fault, is the marriage done? 

And by your definition, people with a few extra pounds or not sculpted with muscle or, god forbid, with some physical impairment that precludes looking like an Adonis relegated to the unhappy marriage trash heap?

But this is all off topic to the situation of the OP. get fit for health's sake. Look good if it makes you feel good. But do you feel your problems with your mate will be solved with a good flat abdomen? From what you've said, it sounds like your issues run just a tad deeper.

Based on what feedback you've gotten here and perhaps elsewhere, what do you plan to do now? I've got a used Total Gym if you want it . Works for Chuck Norris.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Maneo said:


> It may be the elephant in your room, but if what you say is generally true, then why are so many beautiful people relationships so short lived?


Lots of temptation and the nature of show business. In the case of women who have gastric bypass surgery, there is said to be an 80% divorce rate in 2 years. The women are getting hit on by men 4 or 7 levels above their husbands and they cannot resist.



Maneo said:


> Sexual exclusivity is one point of marriage but the Whole point?


What other point would there be besides children of which you know are your biological heirs? That requires sexual exclusivity on the part of the wife, unless she wishes to play with her harem sisters.



Maneo said:


> And when one spouse is unable to provide that sexual component because of sickness or some other physical infirmity not his or her fault, is the marriage done?


Prior to the rise of the Roman marriage law, a man could add another wife or concubine. In the case of the man unable to perform, even the Puritans considered this a very good reason for her to divorce.



Maneo said:


> And by your definition, people with a few extra pounds or not sculpted with muscle or, god forbid, with some physical impairment that precludes looking like an Adonis relegated to the unhappy marriage trash heap?


Not at all. The spouse can put out or leave. If the guy wants her to stay and put out, it might just be to his advantage to have a physique that is not sexually repellant to his wife.


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## KinleeRock (Mar 24, 2013)

I think Maneo solved it.... I need the total gym....lmao... That was awesome... Good thread guys, for my first ever post on the site, I am very impressed with all the help I have received... The total gym, why didnt I think of that....lol


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Machiavelli said:


> I guarantee you that when he looks like the photo below, his wife will be humping his leg at every opportunity. And if she still doesn't want him? Nooo problem, he'll have girls lined up by the dozens who do.


Yeah, I'm glad you qualified your guarantee. I was both reasonably fit (and had my share of offers) and heavy during my marriage; it did not make a difference either way. Turns out there was an abuse history to contend with.

I feel looking into a refuser's sexual history is a good idea with some of these really intractable situations. I'm a big fan of pushing through the small day-to-day issues in marriage and life in general and providing sexually for your spouse. But, having lived with the aftermath for so long, I can see that it really screws some people up.

In such a case, just "sucking it up" is about as wise as sucking up a broken arm and hoping it heals on its own. I don't see pushing just for sex resulting in anything but a temporary improvement followed by another decline and possibly resentment. The "line in the sand" needs to be not sex or else, but individual therapy (as much as is needed) or else.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

and Just had to chime in one more time...I have been married to my beautiful wife for 47 years, This week we have been averaging sex every other day...I was out of town yesterday..Our sessions run from 1-3 hours, with lots of kissing, caressing, back rubs, just general making out...It is extremely physical. The last time we had sex, It was as good as it was when I was 19 and she was 20. I made sure I told her so. She still gets me aroused just by lying beside me...I would have sex with her every day, but she says it cuts into her housework....:smthumbup:


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

Wow, nice thread. I take it is about being personally responsible for your end of the bargain, and if you have to raise your attractiveness then you go and get it done.


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