# Surprise I want a divorce!



## HopelessArray (Jan 6, 2012)

Together: 15 years
Married: 11 years (12 in August)
Kids: 2 under age 10

I don't know where to begin except I'm looking for someone who has survived a situation like mine. My DH and I have had some issues in the past, he's had 1 PA (one night stand) and 2 EA, which I found out about almost all at once (I'm pretty sure I have a post or two in the "Coping with Infidelity" forum. I was stunned, angry, hurt, devastated. But I love this man and after giving it some serious thought I decided we should try to make it work. We went to counseling, worked on our issues. I'm not perfect by any means, and he had some legitimate and reasonable requests for me. 

Fast forward almost 1 1/2 years and he's telling his family we are better than we've ever been. I quit my job as an RN 6 months ago to spend more time with my family, a decision he has been asking me to make for almost 3 years. Everything is great. 

Then about 5 weeks ago he just withdraws. I can tell something is bothering him but he won't tell me and conversation is like pulling teeth, he attributes it to things going on at work. I decide to give him his space. Last Wednesday he decides to stay home from work so we can "talk". As soon as the kids are off to school, he drops the bomb, "I don't see us ever being happy, I think it's time to move on". 

I was (and still am) in utter disbelief. It just didn't feel real. At first I thought we just needed to talk, but he was adamant that he will not go to counseling, he doesn't want to try anymore, period. And the doorbell rings, and I am served with divorce papers. 

He swears there is no one else. I alternate between hating him and wanting him. I can't believe he's doing this. We told the kids. I'm job searching, but even after I find a job things will be tight as he makes 4 times what I have the potential to make. He wants to keep our house, something we could afford together because of his paycheck and my VA disability stipend. He thinks he can afford it on his own because he doesn't plan on paying "that much" child support because he wants equal time with the kids. I was a stay-at-home mom for the first 4 years of our oldest child's life, then I went to nursing school, but only worked full time for about 1 1/2 years. Night shift was killer so I cut back to 4 nights every 2 weeks to be with the kids, until I was offered a day/second shift position. I worked this position for 6 months when my husband and I agreed that I would work only "as needed", with a minimum of 2 shifts every 4 weeks. Long story short, I've been more a stay-at-home mom than I have been a nurse these past few years. 

When does the disbelief pass? Sometimes I want to try to talk him out of it, sometimes I just want to hurt him as bad as he has hurt me. I hate him, but part of me loves him. I wonder whose life I woke up in, because 1 week ago this sure wasn't mine. Just looking for some kind words I guess. I don't know what else to do.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

There's someone else. Start investigating.


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## HopelessArray (Jan 6, 2012)

I think the same thing. I told him I am insisting on a clause in the divorce that states we cannot introduce a significant other to the children for a certain amount of time, say a year. He had absolutely no problem with this. Our state is a no-fault only state, so he can screw around on me all he wants without hurting his chances with the divorce settlement. I wish I could flip a switch in my heart and feel nothing for him. In the end I don't want to hate him, my goal is indifference. But for now, it hurts so much it's nearly unbearable.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I know  I'm so sorry he's doing this to you.

Do you think, if you knew for sure he's cheating, that would help you with the letting go thing?


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

First of all I want to express how sorry I am that you are going through this... however, I can only recommend that you retain an attorney as soon as you can. I am concerned about his assumption of paying less in child support. I think that statement alone is telling of OW. 

The OW, does not want to think she is getting less because her new "man" has to pay child support.


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## HopelessArray (Jan 6, 2012)

Thank you both for your kind words. I think finding out for sure that he is cheating again would give me some closure because I am at a total loss as to why this is happening now. 

And I have consultations with 3 lawyers set up and a boatload of questions to ask. His lawyer does not practice solely in family law, he's the lawyer my husband used in his DUI case last year. 

I will be hiring a family law expert.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

I wish you the best. I know it will be hard, but my only other recommendation would be to start feeling indifferent toward him. A cool head will pay you greater dividends in the D settlement. This is both a legal and financial settlement. Make all business. 

Again I'm sorry.


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

In my state and I'm sure many others, based on the facts you've presented, there's a high probability that you'd be awarded primary custody and he'd have to give you child support based on a percentage of his income.

You say he "swears he's not cheating" as if his word means anything. The first times he cheated, did he come clean on his own? Or only after he was confronted with the evidence? If it's the latter, and I expect that it is, why would you believe him now, given that he's a proven liar?

How about adding a clause in the divorce papers that "if you can prove adultery you get all the marital assets".

See what he has to say about THAT.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Hello, HA. Sorry you've had to join us here. First of all, you will get through this. It's only just starting, and it won't be easy, but you will get through it. There are a lot of people here on TAM who will hold your hand through this and give you a place to vent.

I agree that there is at least another EA going on. Someone is validating his desire to divorce, and telling him how easy it will be for him. Don't believe that him agreeing to delaying introductions of future bf/gf's to your kids indicates anything about what he's doing now. Those clauses in parenting agreements mean virtually nothing. If you catch him violating it, you have to hire a lawyer, take him to court, and....the state of most court systems is to do nothing if there's no obvious harm to the children. And in most cases that I've seen, the system worries more about parents saying 'nasty' things about each other (even if true) then they do about kids dealing with the trauma of the divorce, or new partners for their parents. Sad, but true.

It's great that you are being proactive. Ask around to find people who have dealt with lawyers in your area. Some will fight harder for you than others. Some look at all divorces like a rubber stamp, and some will fight tooth and nail to get you all you deserve, including spousal maintenance for at least a while. 

Don't forget to document conversations, and try to keep discussions of divorce and financial matters in email so that you have a record of them. Make him put things in writing.

Are you seeing a counselor at all? Dealing with the suddenness of all this is horrible, I know. 

Vent here all you want, and feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk. ((hugs))


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I definitely agree with the possibility of infidelity, cos if you are going on your husband's words, then that has to be taken with a grain of salt. My STBXW really honed her lying skills that she could be very convincing that she wasn't "acting out" again but acted very similar to your husband...a season of happiness, then cooling off, then isolation and withdrawal...then BOOM! "I'm leaving you."
Yes, do what the lawyers tell you. Your spouse is feeling very justified in his deluded mind...especially if he is cheating...and will not think twice to make moves that will be advantageous for him.


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## HopelessArray (Jan 6, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> Don't believe that him agreeing to delaying introductions of future bf/gf's to your kids indicates anything about what he's doing now. Those clauses in parenting agreements mean virtually nothing. If you catch him violating it, you have to hire a lawyer, take him to court, and....the state of most court systems is to do nothing if there's no obvious harm to the children.


I hadn't really thought of that, but I see how it's true. Damn it. But thanks you guys for your support, this is an unbelievable nightmare and it really does have a place to go to vent. 

I filed my response today and accepted a job offer, so it was a productive day. Sad, but productive. I keep waffling back and forth between hoping this isn't really happening and wanting it over with. But after he didn't even had the kids get me a card for Mother's Day and his mom texted me smiley faces and hoping I have a good day even though its "hard", denial is becoming more and more difficult to maintain. It had to wear off sometime I guess! 2 weeks down, the rest of my life to go.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

There will be a bottom point, HA. Then it will all be on an upward trajectory. Just hang in there. 

And, congrats on the job!!! Relish those pieces of good news! :smthumbup:


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## HopelessArray (Jan 6, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> There will be a bottom point, HA. Then it will all be on an upward trajectory. Just hang in there.
> 
> And, congrats on the job!!! Relish those pieces of good news! :smthumbup:


Thanks! It's kinda nice to be wanted, I'm thinking my self esteem is somewhere below the Earth's crust. I guess I'm looking forward to hitting bottom so I can begin that upward trajectory. In the mean time, I'm trying to take a page out of the 180 plan and really focus on me and what I need to take care of myself. And of course the kids.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

OP my situation is fairly similar Married over 15 years. WAW starts distancing from me (and showing some red flags of affair) back in the fall. Like a fool I did nothing - just gave her the space she said she needed. Anyway, to make a long story short she said she wanted a divorce in February. Said that I "pushed" her to it - simply by asking if she was having an affair.

She swore that there was no-one else. But I discovered that she had had a long distance EA throughout the fall. She had been on "dry run" dates with other men during that period too. And as soon as she said that she wanted a divorce she started a full-on affair with yet another man (NOT the EA partner) - someone who had clearly been waiting in the wings.

It took me a bit of time to work all of this out as there were so many loose threads and blind alleys. 

I'm not saying he's having an affair, but there is usually a catalyst for this sort of thing, and often it is an affair - or sometimes just the thought of it.


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## HopelessArray (Jan 6, 2012)

Voltaire said:


> I'm not saying he's having an affair, but there is usually a catalyst for this sort of thing, and often it is an affair - or sometimes just the thought of it.


I definitely feel there's something going on that I don't know about, be it an EA or PA, but you are right, there was a catalyst. I wish I knew what it was, if only to help bring me closure. He says there's no one else, but given his history of affairs his word means very little.


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## HopelessArray (Jan 6, 2012)

Well it was not a good day. Husband is insisting on throwing our 7 year old a big birthday party with 5 days notice. I didn't think having a party this year was a good idea, especially since the surprise divorce announcement came 11 days before his birthday. It's not like we didn't do anything at all, my son got a lot of presents from us and family and we did a small cake for just us. He took my, "I just can't plan a party" for "I refuse to be involved in the party". It never ceases to amaze me how he can spin and justify the most ridiculous things in his head. Even better, he has my friend involved in all the decorations and games and favors, etc. In fact, she knew more about the party than I did. Now we are at odds because I asked her to back off, and she says she's just trying to be neutral and help out with the kids.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

He's screwing your friend, it sounds like to me.

He's also using the kids as a way of taunting you.

There is no way in hell you should let this birthday party proceed. Stand up to him and tell him to back the hell off NOW.


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## HopelessArray (Jan 6, 2012)

He sent invites to the school with my son. I would love to call it off, but I think that would be awkward and traumatic for my son. He's got my son all hyped up for the party. So yes, I agree he is using the kids to taunt me. But truth be told, with spring sports starting, I think attendance will be low. The kids at his school are so over-scheduled that weekends aren't really a time to rest and play, its for going from one event to another.

As for him sleeping with my friend, you are no less than the 5th person who's said that to me after hearing about this. I would be completely floored, but then again I also didn't see the divorce coming. So who really knows?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So tell your hubby that HE is the one who is throwing the party and you want nothing to do with it. You will attend if required, but you will not be cleaning up or shopping or entertaining or ANY damned thing. Then DON'T.

I cannot believe you are allowing him to get away with this crap. After what he's done to you!!

What investigating have you done to see what he's up to? Do you even care at this point that he's screwing around? Have you been tested for STD's?

Please tell me you are NOT sleeping with him.


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## Goofball (Mar 24, 2013)

One of the times my H and I separated, he totally used the kids against me, telling them how much he wanted to be with them, but I wouldn't let them. The kids were wrecks, which in turn made me a wreck. I completely understand what you are going through with the kids and your H. 

Are you thinking of moving out or has he moved out?

I assume you will be working nights with your job (since that's what I'm assuming I will be doing when I have that license in my hands) My game plan for nights and single parenting is to hire a college student to spend the nights - granted my kids are older and only need minimal supervision, so the student would be able to study while watching kids. They would be cheap help if you are unsure of what to do with that, it's a suggestion.

I wish you all the best!


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## HopelessArray (Jan 6, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> What investigating have you done to see what he's up to? Do you even care at this point that he's screwing around? Have you been tested for STD's?
> 
> Please tell me you are NOT sleeping with him.


I am absolutely not sleeping with him. The smart thing to do would be to get checked, I need to schedule my yearly anyways. Sigh. I haven't done any investigating because it really doesn't matter. Our state has zero allowances for a fault divorce. None. Zip. He can screw around all he wants and it won't affect the settlement. Three different lawyers told me so. 



Goofball said:


> Are you thinking of moving out or has he moved out?


I asked him tonight if he would move out if I signed something stating it wouldn't affect the final custody arrangements. He said no way, but that I should feel free to move out. Not gonna happen. 



Goofball said:


> I assume you will be working nights with your job (since that's what I'm assuming I will be doing when I have that license in my hands).


Count on working nights, I did for 2 years after I graduated. But I went back and finished my BSN and I have several years of surgical experience, so I actually had several job opportunities to choose from. I ended up taking a position on my old floor on days, sort of. It's two 12's and one 8 hour shift per week. The advantage is I have 4 days off a week. That's a plus in my book. My 12's will be mostly on the weekends, and if he has the kids every other weekend (which is what I will work), there's no real disadvantage there. So that only leaves one 12 hour shift during the week where I need childcare. Since the minimum custody arrangement is every other weekend and one evening or overnight during the week, I could easily support full physical custody of my kids even working as a nurse.

That's a whole 'nother battle though.


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## Goofball (Mar 24, 2013)

HopelessArray said:


> Count on working nights, I did for 2 years after I graduated. But I went back and finished my BSN and I have several years of surgical experience, so I actually had several job opportunities to choose from. I ended up taking a position on my old floor on days, sort of. It's two 12's and one 8 hour shift per week. The advantage is I have 4 days off a week. That's a plus in my book. My 12's will be mostly on the weekends, and if he has the kids every other weekend (which is what I will work), there's no real disadvantage there. So that only leaves one 12 hour shift during the week where I need childcare. Since the minimum custody arrangement is every other weekend and one evening or overnight during the week, I could easily support full physical custody of my kids even working as a nurse.
> 
> That's a whole 'nother battle though.


My mom is a nurse so I'm pretty familiar with the hours  That's awesome that you will have mostly day shifts.

I will be super close to my BSN when I'm done with my ASN so I can complete that online while working.


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## HopelessArray (Jan 6, 2012)

Well don't put it off. Finish that BSN, employers want you to have it. And I actually learned a lot about management and health care finance and nursing research. Of course I can't say I really wanted to learn all that lol.


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## Goofball (Mar 24, 2013)

I'm taking courses for it now since I had transfer credits. My plan is continue right on after graduation...


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

HopelessArray said:


> Well don't put it off. Finish that BSN, employers want you to have it. And I actually learned a lot about management and health care finance and nursing research. Of course I can't say I really wanted to learn all that lol.


You sound intelligent, charming and proud. Total respect for how you are handling this and what you do for a living. He is such a fool!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Oh, HA, bad news about the 'friend.' Getting involved with the party is hardly staying 'neutral.' Who the hell is she kidding? 

Sounds like you're handling things the right way as far as not moving out, your work shifts, etc.


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## Goofball (Mar 24, 2013)

I would cut all ties with the "friend" I have cut ties with most of our friends already, it is refreshing.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

How are things going, HA? Is the party still on for this weekend? How are you doing with that?


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