# Just got married and Already Need help



## workatit (Mar 3, 2011)

Ok, I didn't know where to turn but I need advice. I will try to explain myself as clearly as possible so that anyone listen, and willing to respond, can help me with my situation.

I feel stuck, hurt and sadness...

Here is my story, husband and i started dating in May. We fell in love right off the bat but after our first date was over, the following day, he tells me he's been in a relationship for 3 years but it's been over in his mind and just hadn't broken it off. He claimed that they were just really good friends and saw each other seldom. He claimed that he would break up with her for me b/c he felt a strong connection with me, which I felt too.

I wouldn't have agreed to beginning a relationship with him but I did. I know that it's a big "no no" to start anything with anyone who just got out of a relationship, or, in my case, leaves her for me but I did it anyway b/c I felt a strong connection.

By the first two weeks of dating, we had already planned on spending the rest of our lives together. Mind you, he said he had cut off all interactions with her.

We got engaged two months after dating and one day he had asked me to pay his cell phone bill online for him. I did but had a gut feeling to check and see if he had really ended things with her. I found two texts to her in June and one in July (right before we got engaged). I asked him about it and he said he didn't text her on purpose, and he tells me that he accidentally text her blank texts while his phone was in his pocket. I chose to believe him.

With all the rushing to get married and all and, really, just not knowing everything we should about eachother because we rushed things, we started to bicker about nonsensical things up until the point we got married. One day, a months before our marriage, we fought and in the middle of it all, he looks up to my ceiling and starts to say "This is what I deserve, I had a good girl who adored me, who was up to my standards, and I left her." 

He was referring to his ex, the one he left for me, and I got furious and told him I wanted nothing to do with him but he cried and convinced me that he did love me. I don't know why I didn't break off the engagement then b/c he was clearly still in love with her or confused and I sure as heck didn't want to enter a marriage with someone who was confused but I ignored my gut feeling and did it anyway.

So, we are married now almost 2 months and we moved away from our family and friends, we've been in the new place and constantly argue, again, about nonsense. He gets quiet and ignores me when he's mad and half the time I have no idea why he has these moods swing and then when I ask him he says he's fine and then we argue b/c I know he's lying.

Anyhow, so her is my problem, finally! I found an email to his ex, from him, one month and a half into our relationship, right before we got engaged. The letter, to sum it up, was basically him explaining to her that he's sorry and hurting inside that he destroyed their relationship, that he loves her so so much and misses her so so much, and she is the girl of his dreams, and that he can't believe how she does't want to talk to him, he goes on saying "how can you not talk to someone you planned on having children with?" so on and so forth. In the end he wrote to her that he would have asked for her hand in marriage, and that he hadn't because of his financial situation but he claimed that he'll be back for her (never mentioening me and the truth, that he had fallen in love with me). He told her his email was temporary closure for him and that he'd be back for her.

I can't write everything, it's too long. So, I asked him about and he claimed the email was just written out of guilt of the way he left her and that he didn't mean those words he wrote her.

Now, I feel that one month and a half into our relationship he tried to get her back but she didn't take him back, therefore, stuck with me, and now here we are. I'm left with sadness. I feel empty inside, can't even be intimate with him, don't trust him, and don't know what to do. 

I feel like our marriage was a fraud, had I known that email existed, I prob wouldn't have married him. What do I do? I feel that I was only chosen as second best. 

Between, the email and what he had said to me that one time we fought, I feel that he was trying to get back with her but she rejected him and then he stuck with me instead.

I feel betrayed and that this marriage was a scam, what do I do. How do I feel better and how do I get back to normal?

I had asked him what she wrote back in response to his email, and he said that she wrote to him that it'd be better that they don't communicate anymore.........was I second choice?? I can't rid of the feeling.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

workatit said:


> By the first two weeks of dating, we had already planned on spending the rest of our lives together. Mind you, he said he had cut off all interactions with her.


Huge, huge red flag!



workatit said:


> We got engaged two months after dating and one day he had asked me to pay his cell phone bill online for him. I did but had a gut feeling to check and see if he had really ended things with her. I found two texts to her in June and one in July (right before we got engaged). I asked him about it and he said he didn't text her on purpose, and he tells me that he accidentally text her blank texts while his phone was in his pocket. I chose to believe him.


Second series of red flags!



workatit said:


> With all the rushing to get married and all and, really, just not knowing everything we should about eachother because we rushed things, we started to bicker about nonsensical things up until the point we got married. One day, a months before our marriage, we fought and in the middle of it all, he looks up to my ceiling and starts to say "This is what I deserve, I had a good girl who adored me, who was up to my standards, and I left her."
> 
> He was referring to his ex, the one he left for me, and I got furious and told him I wanted nothing to do with him but he cried and convinced me that he did love me. I don't know why I didn't break off the engagement then b/c he was clearly still in love with her or confused and I sure as heck didn't want to enter a marriage with someone who was confused but I ignored my gut feeling and did it anyway.
> 
> So, we are married now almost 2 months and we moved away from our family and friends, we've been in the new place and constantly argue, again, about nonsense. He gets quiet and ignores me when he's mad and half the time I have no idea why he has these moods swing and then when I ask him he says he's fine and then we argue b/c I know he's lying.


Your troubles are really piling up here. Not enough red flags in stock!



workatit said:


> Anyhow, so her is my problem, finally! I found an email to his ex, from him, one month and a half into our relationship, right before we got engaged. The letter, to sum it up, was basically him explaining to her that he's sorry and hurting inside that he destroyed their relationship, that he loves her so so much and misses her so so much, and she is the girl of his dreams, and that he can't believe how she does't want to talk to him, he goes on saying "how can you not talk to someone you planned on having children with?" so on and so forth. In the end he wrote to her that he would have asked for her hand in marriage, and that he hadn't because of his financial situation but he claimed that he'll be back for her (never mentioening me and the truth, that he had fallen in love with me). He told her his email was temporary closure for him and that he'd be back for her.


Seriously, this is not where your troubles began.

You have made a huge mistake marrying this guy. It is not too late to end your marriage and back out of it before losing your financial future to a con artist.

Use your head.



workatit said:


> I can't write everything, it's too long. So, I asked him about and he claimed the email was just written out of guilt of the way he left her and that he didn't mean those words he wrote her.
> 
> Now, I feel that one month and a half into our relationship he tried to get her back but she didn't take him back, therefore, stuck with me, and now here we are. I'm left with sadness. I feel empty inside, can't even be intimate with him, don't trust him, and don't know what to do.
> 
> ...


You should run to a lawyer and get this marriage annulled because of fraud.

Starting thinking! Protect yourself.


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

workatit said:


> Ok, I didn't know where to turn but I need advice. I will try to explain myself as clearly as possible so that anyone listen, and willing to respond, can help me with my situation.
> 
> I feel stuck, hurt and sadness...
> 
> ...


Nothing about your post or this situation is right. It started out bad and has gotten worse. You are barely married and now starting to really see who and what your husband is. You are indeed the second choice of your husband. You said that had you seen the email before the wedding, you would not have gotten married. You need to get your marriage annulled and move to where you want to be (you said that you moved away from your family and friends). Marriage is not supposed to be what you described and you deserve to be happy. Cut your losses. Good luck.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Things are this bad so early on in the marriage--don't expect them to get better. Now you know you were second choice. It's bad now. How will you feel in a year? Five years? You deserve to be married to someone who considers you his FIRST choice.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Be glad that you found out this early.


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## workatit (Mar 3, 2011)

Hi All,

Thank you so much for your replies. I cannot tell you how much it touched my heart to have people, who don't even know me, reply with such great and caring advice. It's the end of April now and I wanted to fill everyone in on my current situation. 

We moved back to NY but we are living seperately now until I could clear my head. I still can't shake the feeling of his love for the other girl and how if I knew about the email, I wouldn't have married him. 

He's with his parents and I am with mine. I see him every other day and have been TRYING to give him the chance to prove to me that he truly loves me but now something had died inside me. I don't trust him. I don't even trust that he trusts himself at this point and this is worse! In addition, in this time that I'm waiting around for him to sweep me off my feet again, he's just a boring fool who, in my eyes, is proving more to me that he is not for me. He's done nothing special for me to show me that I'm the only one he has eyes for or what not......nothing. I imagined him sending flowers while he knowingly knows I'm home just on my computer searching for a job....but nothing. He hasn't done anything romantic. I've also been crazy confused with myself but I've asked myself this question: can I see myself without him, and the answer is yes. I even feel more secure now without him. I am a strong persona and I just want to be alone now. I don't know if it's because I'm still in pain or if it's because it's what I truly feel. I don't think I love him anymore like I did. I'm ready to move on but I've tried to tell him that's it, that we are getting the divorce in a couple of months (because we have to wait at least 6 months by NY state law to get the divorce AND and anullment was out of the question b/c a lawyer told me that it would have had to be something a bit more serious of a situation to have one done) and I get sad when I see tears starting to form in his eyes and then he makes me feel bad and then he confused me all over again. What is wrong with me? I definitely do not want to be married to him...that's all I know. 

Anyway, Thanks guys! I will post again if any of you are curious to know how this ends  bye now.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

It sounds like you have a great head on your shoulders and have learned a lot from this situation. I know it's difficult, but you're certainly doing the right thing.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You have done the right thing--please, remember YOU are not responsible for his feelings. Lots of people feel sad when they lose someone they love, but this does not mean that they use their sadness to try to keep that person around. They let go, out of love. They cling, out of selfishness. Any man with an ounce of self-respect in his situation would be sad but would also admit that he really fu*cked up and IS NOT TRUSTWORTHY. He'd try to better himself for the next chance he gets. 

As for you--please, do not even consider moving in with someone unless you've known them at least 6 months, and a year is better. Keep your lives separate some of the time--each week, nights out with friends and not with each other. Grow up as a well-rounded person, not someone joined at the hip with her bf from day 1 (or day 40). Nothing but time allows you to see who someone really is, under lots of different, and sometimes trying, circumstances. And watch out for the little things early on, before giving your heart! Infatuation can be fun--but it might blind you to the initial clues that someone isn't trustworthy or of good character. Lapses from high moral standards happen--but VERY rarely. If, in the first 6 months, you find yourself making more than one excuse for someone's behavior, either you aren't meant to be together b/c you have different standards, or there is a real red flag waiving. Something like, being late--"late" in your definition--for example, is either flat out disrespect for you, or a very different sense of what IS respectful (some cultures have different ideas and being "on time" is considered rude!). Don't ignore your standards or assume they need to change. Give it thought--and if you can't change, or decide not to, part with the realization that he just isn't "the one."

A relationship should be really easy for the year, at least. If it isn't, move on. Good luck.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

workatit said:


> I feel like our marriage was a fraud, had I known that email existed, I prob wouldn't have married him. What do I do? I feel that I was only chosen as second best.
> 
> I feel betrayed and that this marriage was a scam, what do I do. How do I feel better and how do I get back to normal?
> 
> I had asked him what she wrote back in response to his email, and he said that she wrote to him that it'd be better that they don't communicate anymore.........was I second choice?? I can't rid of the feeling.



I'm a little confused. You feel betrayed? I am sure she does/did too. He cheated on her with you and left her to be with you, even married you. 

If there is any story that proves that whole "affairs don't last" theory, it's this one, I guess.

My advice is to get annullment. For real. Cause there are way too many problems here, Work.


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