# When Your Spouse is a Social Bore



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

I've been away for a while but have a question on which I'd like to hear other's perspective. 

My husband can best be described as a quiet guy and a loner with no real friends. He likes being out in social settings but he doesn't like putting in the effort into meeting new people, making plans to do stuff with others, and in those occasions when he does go out, be social and friendly. His one big hobby is a predominantly solitary activity. 

I, on the other hand, meet people easily, have no problems making plans to do stuff with friends, and generally am considered a very outgoing and fun person. I don't have a "best friend" but instead have several good gfs I enjoy spending time with on a regular basis. 

So here's the problem....... He's latched on to me to be his social crutch and it's causing me to be resentful. I feel like Cruise Director Julie with a ship full of quiet/loner passengers. It is soooo much work!!! 

Just recently we had friends visiting from out of town. My husband knows them both and was very open to meeting up with them for dinner. He was looking forward to going but then barely participated in the dinner conversation unless i prompted him, kind of like a shy child. I'm sure my friends thought he had no desire to be there even though later that night he ASSURED me he had a great time. WTF? 

He wasn't this bad in the past but has been slowly deteriorating in recent years and I'm not sure how else to ask him to put effort into being more social. At this point, as selfishly as it sounds, I would enjoy myself more without him. 

Have any of you experienced similar? How did you address it? 

Would it be okay for me to stop inviting him to come along to these get togethers? I think I would feel less resentment if I didn't feel obligated to take him along.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

My wife is the quiet one in our marriage. It's a real task for her to participate sometimes. But in recent hears she has worked very hard in doing so. She keeps up on current events, even stays in touch with sports (mostly through me), has developed hobbies, and always tries to be armed with good stuff for small talk. She also has a bit of an unfair advantage; since I was in the military for 22 years, we've lived in, and traveled a lot of places, so when we meet someone, no matter where they're from, we seem to always have something in common. She can't always keep it up for long, but she always has the goal of making others feel like she's interested, so even when she peters out, she's got them going and they take over from there.

Which leads me to the simplest of techniques for these situations. Does you husband know how to tell what someone is interested in and ask an open ended question? This shows his involvement and allows the conversation to progress without him having to work too hard at it. And most people love to talk about the things they love, so they end up liking anybody who listens well. 

If there's an event I just know flat-out my wife won't want to participate in, or may give the impression she doesn't give a crap, we talk about it beforehand and jointly decide whether or not she should go. She's never taken offense if I suggest that she may not add to the festivities. 

(as a side note, she also has a couple clubs she participates in. When they have events that involve spouses, I will go, even if it's not my thing or if I know I won't really be into the subject or the people there. But most of their events are for the ladies only, so I think those groups have helped her become more active at social gatherings, even in my absence.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Sounds like a classic case of introvert married to extrovert. 

Can work if you guys realize it and are ok with being different. Its sounds however like you dont like this about him and assume being outgoing is somehow inherently superior to being introverted.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Overall, I'm the gregarious type when it comes to crowds, groups, or couples!

Where I go severely introvertish is only with attractive, single unencumbered women, more especially if there's any possibility of a romantic interest on my or her part!!

Historically, my XW was as you earlier described as she absolutely hated any social gatherings or settings!

My RSXW, conversely, is pretty much, "the life of the party," as she does not seem to know a stranger! Whether it's at a gathering, out on the dance floor, or quite particularly, in bed!*


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Hi Lila,

I know exactly what you mean, except that my STBXH is a very outgoing man, probably more so than I am. But, he is very socially awkward. When we were first married, I invited him along to lots of get togethers with my girlfriends so that he could get to know them better. He usually just spent the time on his phone though, so I stopped inviting him because I felt less comfortable with him there, and trying to get his attention away from his cell phone. If your H is that uncomfortable making small talk with people, then he might appreciate having to do less of it. Try not inviting him along, and see what happens.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> My wife is the quiet one in our marriage. It's a real task for her to participate sometimes. But in recent hears she has worked very hard in doing so. She keeps up on current events, even stays in touch with sports (mostly through me), has developed hobbies, and always tries to be armed with good stuff for small talk. She also has a bit of an unfair advantage; since I was in the military for 22 years, we've lived in, and traveled a lot of places, so when we meet someone, no matter where they're from, we seem to always have something in common. She can't always keep it up for long, but she always has the goal of making others feel like she's interested, so even when she peters out, she's got them going and they take over from there.
> 
> Which leads me to the simplest of techniques for these situations. Does you husband know how to tell what someone is interested in and ask an open ended question? This shows his involvement and allows the conversation to progress without him having to work too hard at it. And most people love to talk about the things they love, so they end up liking anybody who listens well.
> 
> ...


I wish my husband made 1/10th the effort that your wife makes. He's up to date on current events but he never seems to want to make that push to engage others in conversation. That aloofness comes off as disinterest to people who do not know him really well. 

I have asked him to join a club so that he can practice socializing more but he says that it's just not "his thing". He's just not interested and that's what bothers me the most. I wouldn't have a problem if he agreed to stay home and let me do "my thing" but he _likes_ going to these events with me. If I tell him No, that he can't come along, then he gets mad and responds similar to what @Middle of Everything said ("Its sounds however like you dont like this about him and assume being outgoing is somehow inherently superior to being introverted."). I am damned if I do, damned if I don't


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Trying to fully understand the issue

So he likes to go but is a bit introvert when he does. Does that mean he just likes being with you or is it that this is a perspective thing. In other words you see him as introvert but does he see it as he is engaged in conversation and part of the group?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Middle of Everything said:


> Sounds like a classic case of introvert married to extrovert.


I am actually closer to an introvert than an extrovert. I just learned that certain behaviors are required in certain settings. 



Middle of Everything said:


> Can work if you guys realize it and are ok with being different. Its sounds however like you dont like this about him and assume being outgoing is somehow inherently superior to being introverted.


Trust me, I know exactly what I was getting into when we got together. We've been together for 23 years. 

I don't think that being outgoing is superior to being an introvert but I do expect my husband to _make an effort_ to behave in a way that is appropriate for the environment in which he chose to participate. My argument is that if he didn't want to be put in a social setting where he is expected to engage people, then he should not get angry when he's not invited to participate. When in Rome, you do as the Romans do.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> *Overall, I'm the gregarious type when it comes to crowds, groups, or couples!
> 
> Where I go severely introvertish is only with attractive, single unencumbered women, more especially if there's any possibility of a romantic interest on my or her part!!*


*

See, in a situation with someone like you Arb, I would be good wing woman ;-) I am outgoing but I'm not the life of the party. As @Rocky Mountain Yeti said, I ask a lot of open ended question. I will ask questions until I hit on the one topic that rings their bell then just keep feeding that line until I find something else that ignites their interest.*


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Ursula said:


> Hi Lila,
> 
> I know exactly what you mean, except that my STBXH is a very outgoing man, probably more so than I am. But, he is very socially awkward. When we were first married, I invited him along to lots of get togethers with my girlfriends so that he could get to know them better. *He usually just spent the time on his phone *though, so I stopped inviting him because I felt less comfortable with him there, and trying to get his attention away from his cell phone.


Oh HELL to the NO!!! My husband would find his cell phone in the trash if he just sat there on it during a dinner. I.can't.stand.people.who.do.that!!! I feel like yelling at them "Have some manners and put the ****ing phone away!"



Ursula said:


> If your H is that uncomfortable making small talk with people, then he might appreciate having to do less of it. Try not inviting him along, and see what happens.


I am considering doing exactly this the next time. I have a girlfriend who's husband has severe social anxiety. He rarely attends these get-togethers so she shows up solo. I'm going to be her date for the next one.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> Trying to fully understand the issue
> 
> So he likes to go but is a bit introvert when he does. Does that mean he just likes being with you or is it that this is a perspective thing. In other words you see him as introvert but does he see it as he is engaged in conversation and part of the group?



He genuinely likes going out, seeing other people, and absorbing the energy but he doesn't actively participate. He passively experiences the event through me which is not a problem when it's just me and him but becomes a problem in a group environment where the expectation is that everyone participate. To give an example, we may go to a party and he won't leave my side. If he participated in whatever conversation was going on, then no problem, but when he just hovers without saying a word........weird.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Lila said:


> He genuinely likes going out, seeing other people, and absorbing the energy but he doesn't actively participate. He passively experiences the event through me which is not a problem when it's just me and him but becomes a problem in a group environment where the expectation is that everyone participate. To give an example, we may go to a party and he won't leave my side. If he participated in whatever conversation was going on, then no problem, but when he just hovers without saying a word........weird.


I’ve read some of your other threads and I honestly believe you resent your husband and this latest thread is just a symptom of a bigger problem.Has his ed problem been sorted out?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Andy1001 said:


> I’ve read some of your other threads and I honestly believe you resent your husband and this latest thread is just a symptom of a bigger problem.Has his ed problem been sorted out?


ED problem has thankfully been sorted out.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

@Lila, Odo is kind of like your husband.
Quiet, doesn't really participate in conversations unless directly addressed. It's just the way he is.

I am more extroverted, and his behavior doesn't bother me in the same way your husband's seems to bother you. I'm just sharing my perspective I suppose. I just carry on with conversation and leave him out if he doesn't want to actively participate. He is perfectly polite and friendly when directly addressed, he's just not an initiator like I am, I suppose.

And, he does enjoy joining me in these kinds of events or he'd definitely tell me otherwise. If your hubby is as honest with you, then I think that excluding him on purpose might hurt him.

I don't think your request is unreasonable at all, I just do not think that it's in your husband's nature, or he'd be behaving that way already.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Lila said:


> He genuinely likes going out, seeing other people, and absorbing the energy but he doesn't actively participate. He passively experiences the event through me which is not a problem when it's just me and him but becomes a problem in a group environment where the expectation is that everyone participate. To give an example, we may go to a party and he won't leave my side. If he participated in whatever conversation was going on, then no problem, but when he just hovers without saying a word........weird.


I agree weird.

At first I thought it sounded to me like you were the classic outgoing social butterfly and he the classic "I would rather be on the lake, working on the car, doing woodwork etc etc" cliched introvert loner guy.

But he genuinely likes going out? 

I got nothing for ya. If someone actually likes going out and isnt drug along, I dont understand the complete lack of ability/desire to interact with others.

What does he like? Can that being a topic bring him out of his shell? My FiL barely talks to people. But get him going about working on cars and racing? Look out.


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

Why do you need him to behave the way you do in social settings?

Or maybe more to the point, why do you feel the need to look after him?

Sorry if those questions come off the wrong way, I'm not trying to be accusatory. I just think that really whether or not he's enjoying himself is really up to him. No?


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I will say that I am an introvert. I understand enjoying going out but not overwhelmed about conversation. I can relate to wanting to absorb the environment. To be honest, I think "small talk" is one of the most boring, awkward things there is. If I have a topic of interest in uncommon with someone, I can talk with no problem, but small talk is not a favorite of mine.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Lila said:


> I am actually closer to an introvert than an extrovert. I just learned that certain behaviors are required in certain settings.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Actually, no. 

When in Rome, you do that which you want to do that is within the rules. Norms and customs? Those are optional.

Lila, here comes a 2x4.

He can behave any way he chooses to in these situations. He is his own person. Yes, it may be off putting to those you are hanging with. However, that is his problem, not yours. 

Why do you need him to behave a certain way?

Why do you feel the need to organize social engagements for him?

Now...I am not unsympathetic here. It is awkward to be with friends with a spouse who behaves in these ways.

However, just like any other behavior, all you can do is point it out to him, not control it. It is up to him to do something about it.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Lila said:


> He genuinely likes going out, seeing other people, and absorbing the energy but he doesn't actively participate. He passively experiences the event through me which is not a problem when it's just me and him but becomes a problem in a group environment where the expectation is that everyone participate. To give an example, we may go to a party and he won't leave my side. If he participated in whatever conversation was going on, then no problem, but when he just hovers without saying a word........weird.


How insecure is he?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Middle of Everything said:


> I agree weird.
> 
> At first I thought it sounded to me like you were the classic outgoing social butterfly and he the classic "I would rather be on the lake, working on the car, doing woodwork etc etc" cliched introvert loner guy.
> 
> ...


Let me rephrase my original comment.....He SAYS he enjoys it. His actions leave me to suspect otherwise.



Middle of Everything said:


> What does he like? Can that being a topic bring him out of his shell? My FiL barely talks to people. But get him going about working on cars and racing? Look out.


His hobby and fitness are always good topics of discussion for him but very few of our 40+ year old friends are into fitness, much less his hobby except to say "Wow, that sounds like a fun and challenging activity!". The lack of common interests is definitely a contributing factor.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Lila said:


> I wish my husband made 1/10th the effort that your wife makes. He's up to date on current events but he never seems to want to make that push to engage others in conversation. That aloofness comes off as disinterest to people who do not know him really well.
> 
> I have asked him to join a club so that he can practice socializing more but he says that it's just not "his thing". He's just not interested and that's what bothers me the most. I wouldn't have a problem if he agreed to stay home and let me do "my thing" but he _likes_ going to these events with me. If I tell him No, that he can't come along, then he gets mad and responds similar to what @Middle of Everything said ("Its sounds however like you dont like this about him and assume being outgoing is somehow inherently superior to being introverted."). I am damned if I do, damned if I don't


Hey @Lila 

Here what I don't get. It is obvious you don't like how he interacts socially. You don't feel like he makes an effort. Maybe in his mind, going to these events IS HIS EFFORT for you? For someone who is very introverted or has social anxiety, you can't just join a club to get better at "socializing", it just doesn't work that way.

If him going to outings with you is his way of being social and spending time with you, that should be enough IMO. Unless he is doing something overly negative (causing a scene), let him be who he is instead of expecting him to act like someone else.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> How insecure is he?


Very when it comes to socializing. He knows that others don't really share his interest but he makes no effort to engage people in theirs.



wild jade said:


> Why do you need him to behave the way you do in social settings?
> 
> Or maybe more to the point, why do you feel the need to look after him?
> 
> Sorry if those questions come off the wrong way, I'm not trying to be accusatory. I just think that really whether or not he's enjoying himself is really up to him. No?





farsidejunky said:


> Actually, no.
> 
> When in Rome, you do that which you want to do that is within the rules. Norms and customs? Those are optional.
> 
> ...


 @farsidejunky and @wild jade, yes, I should not care how he behaves and I should not take responsibility for his behavior but I do. I feel like he's my guest (+1) at these events. That makes me responsible for him. 

Yes, I could bring him along and then ignore/avoid interacting with him the entire the evening but I just don't have that in me. This is why I feel like it's soooo much work when he comes with me. I cannot relax. And he gets upset when I bring up his behavior and ask him to engage a little more. He tells me he doesn't have to change a thing because he's having a great time. I wonder how much of a good time he'd have if I treated him like a ghost. 

Not inviting him is an option but like @Satya said, he would probably get his feelings hurt. How would I do that without making this whole situation worse?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Satya said:


> @Lila, Odo is kind of like your husband.
> Quiet, doesn't really participate in conversations unless directly addressed. It's just the way he is.
> 
> I am more extroverted, and his behavior doesn't bother me in the same way your husband's seems to bother you. I'm just sharing my perspective I suppose. I just carry on with conversation and leave him out if he doesn't want to actively participate. He is perfectly polite and friendly when directly addressed, he's just not an initiator like I am, I suppose.
> ...


The way you describe Odo is a very good description of my husband. How do you handle these situations? Do you just do your own thing and not worry about him?



southbound said:


> I will say that I am an introvert. I understand enjoying going out but not overwhelmed about conversation. I can relate to wanting to absorb the environment. To be honest, I think "small talk" is one of the most boring, awkward things there is. If I have a topic of interest in uncommon with someone, I can talk with no problem, but small talk is not a favorite of mine.


When you do socialize with friends, do you feel like it's expected that you actively interact with others? Would you be upset if you stopped getting invited to socialize?
Please don't take my question in the wrong way, I'm just trying to understand the whole introvert observer dynamic.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

EllisRedding said:


> Hey @Lila
> 
> Here what I don't get. It is obvious you don't like how he interacts socially. You don't feel like he makes an effort. Maybe in his mind, going to these events IS HIS EFFORT for you? For someone who is very introverted or has social anxiety, you can't just join a club to get better at "socializing", it just doesn't work that way.
> 
> If him going to outings with you is his way of being social and spending time with you, that should be enough IMO. Unless he is doing something overly negative (causing a scene), let him be who he is instead of expecting him to act like someone else.


Hey EllisRedding .

Don't get me wrong, we usually have a great time when we go out just him and me. Date nights are once a month and we make the most of them. That's not the problem. But I don't understand why he continues to put himself in situations knowing that he can't or doesn't want to meet the expectation. And I'm not asking to change an introvert into an extrovert. I am asking him to make an effort to engage people. He is capable of being more outgoing (I've seen it) but he's sort of regressed over the years. 

And I don't buy that whole "Introverts can't be social" idea. I think there are plenty of examples of people who by need or circumstance have had to learn to be more outgoing. Being an introvert does not preclude someone from learning new behaviors. Is it uncomfortable at first? Sure. Is it impossible? No, but it takes effort.

I do recognize that I have to just let him be but at the same time, how do I do this without a) ignoring him while we're out with friends or b) not inviting him?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Lila said:


> The way you describe Odo is a very good description of my husband. How do you handle these situations? Do you just do your own thing and not worry about him?


Yes, exactly. I just carry on and socialize as I normally would.

If he's standing next to or near me, I occasionally bring him into the conversation by making a comment about something he does that is relevant. If he chooses to engage at that point, I leave it up to him, but many times he will not just pick up the conversation. He might just nod and say "yes I do" and then go back to his inner world. 

As you mentioned, I also knew this about my husband when we married. He let me know very early on that he was not a social person. However, he has NO problem getting up in front of an assembly of 100+ people and talking if it's something he chooses to do.

When we go to functions, he turns his name tag around and writes on the back *"I'M WITH THE EXTROVERT ----->"* and stands to my right side the entire time. It's his way of letting me know that he is with me even if he doesn't say much of anything. His preference is always the empty table in the very back corner of the room. He doesn't smile often in public because he believes a smile is an invitation to socialize and he definitely doesn't want to be inviting. Knowing this, I actually pick out the table at the back of the room now and I don't give him a hard time about not joining in. I just carry on with what I want to do.... I wander to other tables and introduce myself. Sometimes, a wayward couple that can't find a seat sit with us and we have very interesting conversations. 

I learned early on that what other people think of him not participating doesn't matter... let them think what they want. His behavior is not done to intentionally upset me, it's just the way he is and will always be. And, it doesn't stop me from having a good time.


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

Lila, he's your husband, so of course you care how he's feeling. But he's also a big boy and can choose not to go these events, and can tell you if he hates them or doesn't want to be there or whatever. 

I wouldn't suggest ghosting him, necessarily. I just don't think you have to carry him around like an albatross. Relax, enjoy yourself, enjoy him being there and don't worry about whether he's having fun or is sufficiently entertaining for everyone else. That's their problem. 

I also consider myself an introvert, and am probably a huge bore to a lot of people. Oh, well, I say. I'm not going to let that stop me.

ETA. Yes, introverts are under great pressure to act like extroverts, and a lot of introverts are quite successful at this. They put on the mask and go out there shaking hands and kissing babies and have seemingly effortless conversations, drawing others out and making them do the talking. It's an extroverts world, after all.

But there's also a lot that aren't that good at "passing", and don't really want to feign an interest they don't feel. Or wear the mask. Or be anything other than what they are. I think that's okay too. Maybe even preferable.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Lila said:


> Hey EllisRedding .
> 
> Don't get me wrong, we usually have a great time when we go out just him and me. Date nights are once a month and we make the most of them. That's not the problem. But I don't understand why he continues to put himself in situations knowing that he can't or doesn't want to meet the expectation. And I'm not asking to change an introvert into an extrovert. I am asking him to make an effort to engage people. He is capable of being more outgoing (I've seen it) but he's sort of regressed over the years.
> 
> ...


For the last part, my honest opinion if he insists on going out with you, ignore him (or maybe better put, just focus on enjoying yourself while out). It is his problem to deal with and not yours if his other option is to stay at home.

In terms of "introverts can't be social", I don't necessarily agree with you on that since there are varying degrees of introverts / extroverts. I am introverted, but in the right circumstance I can be an extrovert (If I am around the right people in a small group, or with work since managing client relationships is a huge part of my responsibility). What you may not really understand, for many, it can be extremely exhausting trying to be "social". My W is very similar to me, and even when we have been in social situations with family/friends, once it is done we are wiped out and have no interest in doing again anytime soon (even though we had a good time during). Take someone who is further down on the introvert spectrum, and it becomes a much bigger issue that can't be "unlearned", nor should it need to be unlearned as that would imply that being an introvert is somehow a negative quality.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

Hey Lila my Dad is like your hubby. My Momma is somewhat of an introvert too but is guided by her desire to be Christ-like. So she works the crowd just to reach out encourage others, and to be a caring person. She just let's my Dad be. If he feels like hovering close to her and not saying a word she is fine with it. I notice that she will often grab his hand, rub his arm, or back to acknowledge his presence. But if he chooses to take a seat in the corner in the back and stay there she is fine with that too and makes sure that she makes her way over to him from time to time. His brothers are just like him but they refuse to even go to most events with their wives whereas my Dad always accompany her with no fuss and she makes no fuss about his aloofness. 

As an aside I stayed with my parents last year for about 6 months when we were between houses and I was SHOCKED at how much chatter and laughter actually does take place between the two of them when others are not around. I thought growing up that he was pretty much a non-talker.

Since you say that he is regressing are you at all worried that this might be the beginning of the end of him going to these types of events with you?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

thefam said:


> Hey Lila my Dad is like your hubby. My Momma is somewhat of an introvert too but is guided by her desire to be Christ-like. So she works the crowd just to reach out encourage others, and to be a caring person. She just let's my Dad be. If he feels like hovering close to her and not saying a word she is fine with it. I notice that she will often grab his hand, rub his arm, or back to acknowledge his presence. But if he chooses to take a seat in the corner in the back and stay there she is fine with that too and makes sure that she makes her way over to him from time to time. His brothers are just like him but they refuse to even go to most events with their wives whereas my Dad always accompany her with no fuss and she makes no fuss about his aloofness.
> 
> As an aside I stayed with my parents last year for about 6 months when we were between houses and I was SHOCKED at how much chatter and laughter actually does take place between the two of them when others are not around. I thought growing up that he was pretty much a non-talker.
> 
> Since you say that he is regressing are you at all worried that this might be the beginning of the end of him going to these types of events with you?


Hey @thefam, long time no speak 

I'm not sure if his regression is him signaling that's he's done attending these events or if it's him just getting older and refusing to do anything that requires effort. 

As mean as this may sound, I wish he would just stop attending. It would be a load off my shoulders as I would not feel pressured to entertain him at these events. I always feel it's my responsibility to make sure he's included in the conversation. 

Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Thanks all for sharing your experiences and advice. I guess this is one of those issues where he's an adult with his own personality. I need to stop being his 'Cruise Director Julie'. This may make him uncomfortable enough to change or it may not but I need to stop feeling responsible for him. 

Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Lila said:


> Thanks all for sharing your experiences and advice. I guess this is one of those issues where he's an adult with his own personality. I need to stop being his 'Cruise Director Julie'. This may make him uncomfortable enough to change or it may not but I need to stop feeling responsible for him.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk


How I picture you now


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Lila said:


> Oh HELL to the NO!!! My husband would find his cell phone in the trash if he just sat there on it during a dinner. I.can't.stand.people.who.do.that!!! I feel like yelling at them "Have some manners and put the ****ing phone away!"
> 
> I am considering doing exactly this the next time. I have a girlfriend who's husband has severe social anxiety. He rarely attends these get-togethers so she shows up solo. I'm going to be her date for the next one.


I'm feel the same way about people on their phones; it's just so rude. However, had I tossed his phone, he'd have been livid. I would highly recommend just not inviting him along. He either will be thrilled to not have to socialize, or be like my ex, and ask about it months later. I just explained to my now ex that while I enjoyed having him around, I found it rather embarrassing when he's on his phone all evening instead of joining in the conversation, and that I would rather just go on my own.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

As people age, they often become less willing to make the effort they did when they were younger. Certainly true for me. My solution is to stay away from those situations. But the problem is your husband claims to enjoy them -- and perhaps he does in his own way. So let him do as he wishes -- without comment -- while you do as you wish.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Middle of Everything said:


> I agree weird.
> 
> At first I thought it sounded to me like you were the classic outgoing social butterfly and he the classic "I would rather be on the lake, working on the car, doing woodwork etc etc" cliched introvert loner guy.
> 
> ...


Before everything became negative, it was called people watching. Some people like the atmosphere, but aren't keen on verbal social interaction. It is weird to you, but not weird in general. Also, as you get older, the effort he used to do wanes. He might feel pleasing her, at his own expense, is no longer necessary.


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

I'm introverted and my wife is extroverted, and we're in a similar situation. The difference is I have a close group of friends I've known since childhood or the Marines and when we go out with them (not often we live far away, a few times a year), I'm a party animal, and enjoy socializing. 

But meeting new people and socializing now in mid to late 30's I have no interest in it because people tend to be a bit phony and boring. My friends and I will still close a bar down and do stupid **** until 4:00 AM. The people we meet act like old people, they don't drink, don't seem to care about sports, just want to talk about kids sports and general stuff, they don't seem to cut lose or let their guard down. Or they talk about whose marriage is breaking up or who lost their job. It's left me to the point where I have no interest in meeting new people or making new friends. Maybe it's just the town I live in, who knows?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Openminded said:


> As people age, they often become less willing to make the effort they did when they were younger. Certainly true for me. My solution is to stay away from those situations. But the problem is your husband claims to enjoy them -- and perhaps he does in his own way. So let him do as he wishes -- without comment -- while you do as you wish.


I get that but I wish he would just not accompany me to these things. 

I tried recently explaining it in terms he would understand using an activity he treasures. I ran an obstacle course race with him one time for fun. I'm not an athlete like he is and therefore held him back A LOT. I think our time on the 5 mile race was almost 3 hours when he's usually done in under 1. I had a great time and would not have minded joining him in all his races but know that because he runs competitively, I'd be raining on his good time. So I haven't asked again.....and neither has he. I am still not sure if he sees my side of the argument. 

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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Before everything became negative, it was called people watching. Some people like the atmosphere, but aren't keen on verbal social interaction. It is weird to you, but not weird in general. Also, as you get older, the effort he used to do wanes. *He might feel pleasing her, at his own expense, is no longer necessary.*


That is certainly true. An ongoing gripe for years was that he took me for granted. It took me disconnecting emotionally and putting a complete halt to meeting his needs for the message to get through loud and clear. I just hope that this is not one step further down the slippery slope we've managed to pull ourselves out of.

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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Before everything became negative, it was called people watching. Some people like the atmosphere, but aren't keen on verbal social interaction. It is weird to you, but not weird in general. Also, as you get older, the effort he used to do wanes. He might feel pleasing her, at his own expense, is no longer necessary.


People watching should be a sport


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

EllisRedding said:


> People watching should be a sport


It's not?!! 

The best place to people watch? The airport. It's so entertaining. :grin2:


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Lila said:


> I get that but I wish he would just not accompany me to these things.
> 
> I tried recently explaining it in terms he would understand using an activity he treasures. I ran an obstacle course race with him one time for fun. I'm not an athlete like he is and therefore held him back A LOT. I think our time on the 5 mile race was almost 3 hours when he's usually done in under 1. I had a great time and would not have minded joining him in all his races but know that because he runs competitively, I'd be raining on his good time. So I haven't asked again.....and neither has he. I am still not sure if he sees my side of the argument.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk


No, I don't think he does. 

It would be better if he would just decline but he obviously doesn't want to do that so, unless you don't invite him, I'm afraid you're stuck.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> It's not?!!
> 
> The best place to people watch? The airport. It's so entertaining. :grin2:


Public restrooms ... :surprise:


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

EllisRedding said:


> Public restrooms ... :surprise:


Now, that's just creepy. :rofl:


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Openminded said:


> No, I don't think he does.
> 
> It would be better if he would just decline but he obviously doesn't want to do that so, unless you don't invite him, I'm afraid you're stuck.


Logically I know you're right but damn if I'm not tempted to let the ***** out and mess with his races just to force the issue. As you can probably tell, resentment is building. Grrrr. 

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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

It?s so interesting to me how others feel about this situation- my own husband is VERY similar in that he has no qualms sitting in near silence the entire evening we?re out with friends, whereas I was raised that it?s polite to show interest in others while at dinner, parties, in social situations.

I?ve noticed though is that his silence rarely offends or bothers anyone. In fact, most of my gf adore my husband. He doesn?t try to hog the spotlight, seek attention, etc. He?s got close guy friends who trust him and respect him. 

He?s explained it me this way: I don?t feel the need to talk unless I have something to contribute. 

So unless he?s got something important to add to the convo, he simply listens and observes. 

I see it as a sign of confidence, really. He doesn?t need to prove himself to anyone. 

And when he wants to, he can turn on the charm/engagement big time. He?s successful in his job which requires daily interactions with clients and often putting out fires. It also requires a high degree of likeness to maintain those business relationships. I do think my husband has a high level of emotional intelligence.

He just doesn?t feel the need to people-please in his personal off-time.

Maybe think of it like your husband is letting YOU shine in social situations, rather than competing with you for the spotlight?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Lila said:


> Logically I know you're right but damn if I'm not tempted to let the ***** out and mess with his races just to force the issue. As you can probably tell, resentment is building. Grrrr.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk


I hear ya.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Lila said:


> When you do socialize with friends, do you feel like it's expected that you actively interact with others? Would you be upset if you stopped getting invited to socialize?
> Please don't take my question in the wrong way, I'm just trying to understand the whole introvert observer dynamic.


Not taken wrong at all. I don't mind trying to explain at all. 

I suppose if I'm with close friends I would interact because it would be enjoyable and more comfortable with close friends, although I'm sure I wouldn't be the life of the party. If it were just someone I knew of or a friend's friend, I would try to act pleasant, but it's possible I might not chat a lot. 

Would I mind if I stopped getting invited to these gatherings? Probably not.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

southbound said:


> Not taken wrong at all. I don't mind trying to explain at all.
> 
> I suppose if I'm with close friends I would interact because it would be enjoyable and more comfortable with close friends, although I'm sure I wouldn't be the life of the party. If it were just someone I knew of or a friend's friend, I would try to act pleasant, but it's possible I might not chat a lot.
> 
> Would I mind if I stopped getting invited to these gatherings? Probably not.


Thanks for responding. I appreciate your candor. 

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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Jessica38 said:


> It?s so interesting to me how others feel about this situation- my own husband is VERY similar in that he has no qualms sitting in near silence the entire evening we?re out with friends, whereas I was raised that it?s polite to show interest in others while at dinner, parties, in social situations.
> 
> I?ve noticed though is that his silence rarely offends or bothers anyone. In fact, most of my gf adore my husband. He doesn?t try to hog the spotlight, seek attention, etc. He?s got close guy friends who trust him and respect him.
> 
> ...


Yep, even though I was raised in a non-American culture, I too was taught to be polite and participate in the conversation, or at the very least show interest. My husband was raised in the South and, as I've mentioned, he could care less.

I'm not sure if my husband's behavior has a negative affect on others but I do know that we rarely get invited to do stuff as a couple but I will get invited to events solo with the partner in the couple with whom I maintain the friendship / acquaintance. In other words, if it's me alone, it's a go. If it's us together, no go. This shouldn't bother me but it does. 

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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Jessica38 said:


> It?s so interesting to me how others feel about this situation- my own husband is VERY similar in that he has no qualms sitting in near silence the entire evening we?re out with friends, whereas I was raised that it?s polite to show interest in others while at dinner, parties, in social situations.





Lila said:


> Yep, even though I was raised in a non-American culture, I too was taught to be polite and participate in the conversation, or at the very least show interest. My husband was raised in the South and, as I've mentioned, he could care less.


I think the issue here, what does "showing interest" mean. I would bet that it likely has a different meaning to an introvert vs an extrovert. Regardless of the situation, I don't think you should come off as rude to someone. However, I am content just listening to someone (which ironically, in part because of this, people love to talk to me and tell me about their lives when I rather be left alone lol). I was taught to be respectful to people, but in a social situation my idea of being respectful and the next person may vary greatly. Everyone defines "socializing" differently, there is no right or wrong way (except maybe inciting violence  )


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

EllisRedding said:


> I think the issue here, what does "showing interest" mean. I would bet that it likely has a different meaning to an introvert vs an extrovert. Regardless of the situation, I don't think you should come off as rude to someone. However, I am content just listening to someone (which ironically, in part because of this, people love to talk to me and tell me about their lives when I rather be left alone lol). I was taught to be respectful to people, but in a social situation my idea of being respectful and the next person may vary greatly. Everyone defines "socializing" differently, there is no right or wrong way (except maybe inciting violence  )


I totally get that we're all different but it's still frustrating as hell. I guess it's the price I paid to be married to him. 

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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Lila said:


> I totally get that we're all different but it's still frustrating as hell. I guess it's the price I paid to be married to him.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk


As long as you remember that is may be frustrating as hell for him too not being able to socialize in the way you do, so you aren't quite as alone in this as you may think.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

EllisRedding said:


> As long as you remember that is may be frustrating as hell for him too not being able to socialize in the way you do, so you aren't quite as alone in this as you may think.


But that's just it...I'm not forcing him to socialize so why would be put himself in a situation that is frustrating to him? That's what I don't get. 

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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Lila said:


> But that's just it...I'm not forcing him to socialize so why would be put himself in a situation that is frustrating to him? That's what I don't get.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk


Oh, don't get me wrong, I understand that part. Not that I can speak direct for him, but he may very well think to himself "I am going to go out and socialize with 'Cruise Director Julie' ", but once he gets in that situation he reverts to his normal self. So his intentions may be good, but for one reason or another his actions may not fall in line. 

I had one other thought, is your H a jealous person (maybe he would decline going to these outings with you but he "has to" go to keep an eye out"?

I do agree, it would be best if he didn't put himself in those situations. He also may be genuinely trying, and the outcome just isn't the desired one.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

EllisRedding said:


> Oh, don't get me wrong, I understand that part. Not that I can speak direct for him, but he may very well think to himself "I am going to go out and socialize with 'Cruise Director Julie' ", but once he gets in that situation he reverts to his normal self. So his intentions may be good, but for one reason or another his actions may not fall in line.


I wish he was Captain Stubein to my Cruise Director Julie, lol. I don't expect him to be Mr. Social and Outgoing but I do expect him to interact with people.



EllisRedding said:


> I had one other thought, is your H a jealous person (maybe he would decline going to these outings with you but he "has to" go to keep an eye out"?


No, not at all. To be brutally honest, I'm not the kind of woman a man would worry about being poached by another. I'm the one with the 'great personality' . 



EllisRedding said:


> I do agree, it would be best if he didn't put himself in those situations. He also may be genuinely trying, and the outcome just isn't the desired one.


Maybe. What do I do in the meantime? 


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Lila said:


> I wish he was Captain Stubein to my Cruise Director Julie, lol. I don't expect him to be Mr. Social and Outgoing but I do expect him to interact with people.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Well. if you go with the mindset that he isn't going to change, there are probably a few options:

- If you are able to go do so, continue to go out and he tags along so be it. Just focus on having a good time, don't worry about what other people may think of him. He is a big boy and can take of himself.

- If not, if it is a drag for you, talk to him, explain all this stuff, and try to maybe find a middle ground (i.e. for every 4 nights you go out, 2 of them you get to go alone, etc...). Maybe he will get "hurt" about not being invited to some events, but that is something he will just need to get over (and if he cares about you, I think ultimately he will understand).

You may not think you are the type of person to get poached (selling yourself short if you ask me  ), but don't underestimate the power of jealousy. Also, keep in mind, if your H finds you attractive (I would guess he does), then it is very likely he would expect other men to as well.

The last ditch option, send him to a sleepaway camp for a year


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

EllisRedding said:


> The last ditch option, send him to a sleepaway camp for a year


^^^THIS is my answer! ! 

Seriously though, thank you for the great options. I think #2 sounds like a good way to go for right now. I can get my time but he can also tag along when he feels like it. I can probably work it so that the events he attends are made up of mostly people he knows.....and who know him. 

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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Lila said:


> He genuinely likes going out, seeing other people, and absorbing the energy but he doesn't actively participate. He passively experiences the event through me which is not a problem when it's just me and him but becomes a problem in a group environment where the expectation is that everyone participate. To give an example, we may go to a party and he won't leave my side. If he participated in whatever conversation was going on, then no problem, but when he just hovers without saying a word........weird.


If he LIKES going out and being included, then it would be pretty crappy to stop inviting him. You cannot control him, and just because he doesn't act exactly as you wish he would doesn't mean he is wrong in some way. I feel like you are being unfair to him. If he was quiet but acted like an ass to the people you were with, that would be a whole different story. You should be glad he wants to be included, I went through two husbands who were antisocial and NEVER did things with me after a while.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> If he LIKES going out and being included, then it would be pretty crappy to stop inviting him. You cannot control him, and just because he doesn't act exactly as you wish he would doesn't mean he is wrong in some way. I feel like you are being unfair to him. If he was quiet but acted like an ass to the people you were with, that would be a whole different story. You should be glad he wants to be included, I went through two husbands who were antisocial and NEVER did things with me after a while.


I don't understand why you think I'm being unfair to him. I'm not forcing him to come with me in any way. All I ask is that if he does choose to accompany me to one of these events, that he interact with others _in some way_. I'm not asking him to be a social butterfly. I'm asking him to acknowledge others, smile cordially when they are speaking, maybe nod once in a while to acknowledge that he's still listening, maybe say 'wow, that's interesting' every once in a while...not difficult stuff. If that's being unfair to him, then so be it. 

Look, we all know there is a give and take to social interactions. All I'm asking is that he give a little. Right now he just takes. 



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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

MY INTROVERT SELF DESCRIBED: Being that I’m an introvert, I’d like to address it. Some of this may sound textbook, but I find that it applies to me.
For one, I think everyone has things in life that drains their battery and things that recharge their battery. This is where introverts may differ from others. Being around large groups and a lot of noise and hoopla actually drains my battery even if I’m enjoying the activity at the time. Whether it’s at a concert that I enjoyed or being around action for whatever reason, there is a point when I get in my vehicle to go home or I let the last guest out the door that my body is feeling like, “Whew, now I get to relax, “ which starts to recharge my battery, and it’s more of a mental recharge that I’m in need of than a physical one. 

I’ve noticed that if some people are drained from a week of work, their way of recharging on the weekend is to hit the town with activities. If I had to pick something to totally, recharge my battery, it would be to stay home away from activity all weekend, unwind, and have a fully charged battery when Monday rolls around. I realize this isn’t always possible in real life, but it’s what rebuilds me.

As for being around others, I enjoy being around my close friends; the ones that feel like a comfortable t-shirt that you don’t have to worry about what you say and you just feel totally relaxed. Once I get outside that category with acquaintances and friends of friends, it becomes less thrilling. I would like to add that it has nothing to do with being shy or feeling intimidated by others.

I am actually in a local band and love performing in front of an audience. People may wonder how a person who seems so shy can go onstage in front of an audience when half the extroverts would need a change of underwear if they were asked to do so. That’s because it has nothing to do with being shy. When I’m onstage, I feel like I’m in my world; I’m in charge; I’m doing something I enjoy; I’m giving that audience what I want to give them and communicating in my own way instead of having to make small talk about politics and the weather. 

Let me address what I call “fake or canned laughter.” I know people who make a laughing sound after about every other sentence, or if something is said that could be interpreted as the least bit humorous, they appear to laugh; this usually happens more when groups are together and everybody is trying to appear social and happy. In my opinion, it’s more of a habit than genuine laughter. I could compare it to old sitcoms when they had a live audience as opposed to canned laughter.

I can remember some of the old sitcoms with live audiences where on occasion the actors would have to actually pause their lines to wait for the laughing to die down. With canned laughter, there was this recorded, bland, laughing sound that was inserted whenever something was supposed to be funny, but it had a much different feel that real laughter. 

I’m not saying there is anything wrong with it; it’s probably in the same category as telling everyone to “have a nice day.” It’s just people’s way of trying to be friendly, social, and appear happy. I only say this to mention that introverts don’t usually exhibit canned laughter; we only laugh when we think something is genuinely funny, just like we only talk when we really have something to say. This absence of canned laughter probably makes us appear less social, less happy, and less like we are enjoying those around us, but this isn’t necessarily true; it’s just us. 

I would also like to say that if we tried to change, it would probably seem so fake that those around us would rather we returned to our old selves. Even if I decided I was going to try to appear more outgoing for the sake of someone with me, I’d probably run out of steam soon, and it wouldn’t be pretty. 
If I were in a group situation with someone who was usually the life of the party, and they were suddenly reserved, I would know something was wrong; they were sick, didn’t like the people, or something of that nature, but with me, it’s just my nature. 

Feel free to ask me any questions you might have about an introvert personality, and I’ll try to answer as it applies to me. No offense will be taken.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

southbound said:


> I am actually in a local band and love performing in front of an audience. People may wonder how a person who seems so shy can go onstage in front of an audience when half the extroverts would need a change of underwear if they were asked to do so. That’s because it has nothing to do with being shy. When I’m onstage, I feel like I’m in my world; I’m in charge; I’m doing something I enjoy; I’m giving that audience what I want to give them and communicating in my own way instead of having to make small talk about politics and the weather.


Very much agree with what you wrote

In terms of the above portion of your post, that is as well why it is much easier for introverts to participate in social media / online forums. In this case, you are in complete control of the environment. You can socialize on your own terms, and when not in the mood, you simply unplug.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

EllisRedding said:


> southbound said:
> 
> 
> > I am actually in a local band and love performing in front of an audience. People may wonder how a person who seems so shy can go onstage in front of an audience when half the extroverts would need a change of underwear if they were asked to do so. That?s because it has nothing to do with being shy. When I?m onstage, I feel like I?m in my world; I?m in charge; I?m doing something I enjoy; I?m giving that audience what I want to give them and communicating in my own way instead of having to make small talk about politics and the weather.
> ...


Very, very true. 

I've noticed also that I can have plenty to communicate about as evidenced by how much I can often type on a forum thread, but I suppose it translates differently in real life. 

Speaking for myself, perhaps things that I might actually be interested in discussing would be somewhat oddball topics for most social gatherings. For example, I recently posted a thread here about people who are always late. It was apparent that I had plenty to say on the subject; I enjoyed exploring the topic. 

If I am gathered in a restaurant with some friend's friends who are laughing and having fun, however, and I suddenly say, "hey, let's talk about why some people can never be on time." That's probably not going to be a hot topic. I've noticed other introverts that I know usually interact more if they pic the topic, and it's usually a little off the wall from mainstream small talk.


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## FrenchFry (Oct 10, 2011)

Lila said:


> Look, we all know there is a give and take to social interactions. All I'm asking is that he give a little. Right now he just takes.


I briefly skimmed, sorry if you already addressed this but this just happened to me!

Im introverted yadda yadda, but there are two sides of it. One side is the classic "recharge alone" but another part is how I process information and how that process comes across to other people. 

I love parties because I do really enjoy observing people. I think how people interact is so fun to watch. What is harder for me to do is when I interact to not either constantly foot in mouth from not "connecting" with my conversation partner as well as not dwelling on Ugh, I just said something that I didn't really form out well, how can I do better? I want to crawl away sometimes but I often think that if I was just watching, I'd still have so much fun. 
@Lila since you are an introvert too I you understand getting away from people and solo recharge. What I have noticed is that because women tend to use social lubrication and interaction more in life in general--even as introverts we have to fake the funk more. If he's having an okay time the truth is he might not feel that pressure like others do. I have a relative that is the same way and I think really--he is happy being around us, happy to come but doesn't need anything from us and thus he's cool to hang out and observe. 

On your end, you feel the pressure...If you could hang back and observe with your husband every once in awhile, would you still have fun? If you stepped back slightly from the get together and traded inside jokes with him, would he be into that?


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Lila, forgive me if this has been answered. I went back and reread your original post to try to gain a greater understanding of your situation. I'm wondering if it goes beyond just not being overly social. Is it his demeanor as well? 

For example,I am an introvert, but I kinda have this Clint Eastwood demeanor(I only use him as an example because you probably can form an image of him Better than you could my Uncle Wayne). I also carry myself well, and I don't think anyone doubts that I am a normal guy outside of my lack of talk. I always try to act pleasant, and I always talk in a pleasant manner when addressed. 

As for your husband, you mentioned in your op that you had to prompt him like a child. Does your husband act childish in your opinion? Does his quietness strike you as more childish as opposed to the strong, mature silent type? Is it perhaps his personality coupled with the quietness that bothers you?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

FrenchFry said:


> I briefly skimmed, sorry if you already addressed this but this just happened to me!
> 
> Im introverted yadda yadda, but there are two sides of it. One side is the classic "recharge alone" but another part is how I process information and how that process comes across to other people.
> 
> I love parties because I do really enjoy observing people. I think how people interact is so fun to watch. What is harder for me to do is *when I interact to not either constantly foot in mouth from not "connecting" with my conversation partner as well as not dwelling on Ugh, I just said something that I didn't really form out well, how can I do better? I want to crawl away sometimes * but I often think that if I was just watching, I'd still have so much fun.


My husband has mentioned this in the past. He worries about what he says and how it comes off, whether the person he's talking with is interested in what he has to say, and whether his opinions are going to cause waves. I can relate to some of this as I too used to feel like this. I guess I was able to overcome it all and say "**** it". If someone doesn't like what I have to say, or they get upset by how I worded it, then they don't deserve my time. 



FrenchFry said:


> @Lila since you are an introvert too I you understand getting away from people and solo recharge. What I have noticed is that because women tend to use social lubrication and interaction more in life in general--even as introverts we have to fake the funk more. If he's having an okay time the truth is he might not feel that pressure like others do. I have a relative that is the same way and I think really--he is happy being around us, happy to come but doesn't need anything from us and thus he's cool to hang out and observe.
> 
> On your end, you feel the pressure...If you could hang back and observe with your husband every once in awhile, would you still have fun? If you stepped back slightly from the get together and traded inside jokes with him, would he be into that?


I think where this issue becomes obvious is when we're in a small group setting, like dinner with 1 to 3 other couples. How do you handle those?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

southbound said:


> Lila, forgive me if this has been answered. I went back and reread your original post to try to gain a greater understanding of your situation. I'm wondering if it goes beyond just not being overly social. Is it his demeanor as well?
> 
> For example,I am an introvert, but I kinda have this Clint Eastwood demeanor(I only use him as an example because you probably can form an image of him Better than you could my Uncle Wayne). I also carry myself well, and I don't think anyone doubts that I am a normal guy outside of my lack of talk. I always try to act pleasant, and I always talk in a pleasant manner when addressed.
> 
> As for your husband, you mentioned in your op that you had to prompt him like a child. Does your husband act childish in your opinion? Does his quietness strike you as more childish as opposed to the strong, mature silent type? Is it perhaps his personality coupled with the quietness that bothers you?


No, nothing like that. He's generally stoic (not a whole lot of laugh lines on his face) and reserved, but never childish. Here's an example of what I meant by prompt him like a child.....we were having dinner with this one couple and the husband was discussing his adventures in a small town in France, one that my husband had visited years ago for work. I knew from conversation with H that he had also had quite a lot happen while he was there. Instead of re-telling his story I prompted him with "sounds like the place is cursed. You should tell {our friend} about your visit there". That's kind of what I mean by prompting. Does that make sense?


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Lila said:


> That's kind of what I mean by prompting. Does that make sense?


Yes, that makes perfect sense. Thanks for clarifying. 

You mentioned that your husband doesn't have a lot of laugh lines. I assume he doesn't do the "canned laughter" routine either that I mentioned in my other post.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

southbound said:


> Yes, that makes perfect sense. Thanks for clarifying.
> 
> You mentioned that your husband doesn't have a lot of laugh lines. I assume he doesn't do the "canned laughter" routine either that I mentioned in my other post.


Oh no, definitely no canned laughs from him. Just the thought makes ME laugh a bit. 

He has a very 'stern' (for lack of a better word) demeanor. Most people assume he's active military when they first meet him. He's not. 

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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Lila said:


> Oh no, definitely no canned laughs from him. Just the thought makes ME laugh a bit.
> 
> He has a very 'stern' (for lack of a better word) demeanor. Most people assume he's active military when they first meet him. He's not.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


Odo is the same. He gets a high & tight several times a year and it makes him look like military, or a police officer. Poker-faced nearly the whole time. I think of him as a kind of foil for my personality.


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## FrenchFry (Oct 10, 2011)

Lila said:


> I think where this issue becomes obvious is when we're in a small group setting, like dinner with 1 to 3 other couples. How do you handle those?


So, for my male relative that tends to do this stuff, he usually is in the middle of the group listening and laughing when he feels like it and I think that would honestly be okay with me as well. When I feel "well formed," I'd put my two cents in and be fine listening or even just quietly watching if no conversation is happening.

As long as he isn't like...ignoring questions that come his way because that would be rude. You shouldn't feel like you have to throw questions at him to keep him in the convo.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Lila said:


> I've been away for a while but have a question on which I'd like to hear other's perspective.
> 
> My husband can best be described as a quiet guy and a loner with no real friends. He likes being out in social settings but he doesn't like putting in the effort into meeting new people, making plans to do stuff with others, and in those occasions when he does go out, be social and friendly. His one big hobby is a predominantly solitary activity.
> 
> ...


He is clearly an introvert who enjoys spending time alone. He also seems pretty shy. So what is wrong with that? Also its nearly always the women who organise the social side of the couples life, and thats fine also. Just accept him as he is, after all you married him.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

FrenchFry said:


> So, for my male relative that tends to do this stuff, he usually is in the middle of the group listening and laughing when he feels like it and I think that would honestly be okay with me as well. When I feel "well formed," I'd put my two cents in and be fine listening or even just quietly watching if no conversation is happening.
> 
> As long as he isn't like...ignoring questions that come his way because that would be rude. You shouldn't feel like you have to throw questions at him to keep him in the convo.


Thanks for responding to my question Frenchfry. It's offered me something to think about. 

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