# What is so great about marriage anyways ?



## Looking to heal (Jun 15, 2011)

It has been over 5 months since I discovered by wife's affair. We are working through a reconciliation process with moderate success.

I feel really disillusioned about marriage in general.

I have fallen into a serious EA myself with someone which I know is wrong. I don't think I would describe it as a revenge situation. Rather I would say that the brakes I had for doing the "right" thing have been affected by my marital difficulties.

What is so great about marriage anyways ?

I will give the reconciliation process a couple more months (a family Christmas etc.) and if I still feel this way in 2012 I am going to end things (get separated/divorced...)

This EA which will likely become a PA at some point is incredibly powerful. 

I can see how the fog comes over you and nothing makes sense anymore.

You would think that if marriage is so great it could withstand temptation. Again, what is so great about marriage anyways ?

Feeling sorry for myself today. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better...


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I hope so too, for your sake. Your marriage will most definitely not survive, if you're having an EA that you project will become a PA, even as you attempt to reconcile with your wife. Get divorced.

Personally, I don't think I could come back from infidelity in marriage. I've walked away from other relationships because of it, and I'd walk away from this one too.

What's so great about marriage? Well, I am hoping that the actual committment itself will outweigh any temptations on either side. For myself, being married really means alot, it's a symbol of committment, much much more than any LTR, even the ones I lived with. It's marriage! Besides, if I'd wanted to continue to live as a single woman, I would never have bothered. I would expect H feels much the same way.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Looking to heal said:


> It has been over 5 months since I discovered by wife's affair. *We are working through a reconciliation process with moderate success*....



I feel really disillusioned about marriage in general.



Looking to heal said:


> *I have fallen into a serious EA myself with someone which I know is wrong*.
> 
> I will give the reconciliation process a couple more months (a family Christmas etc.) and if I still feel this way in 2012 I am going to end things (get separated/divorced...)
> 
> *This EA which will likely become a PA at some point is incredibly powerful*.


You do realize why you reconciliation is "moderately" successfuly right now, right?

Because YOU ARE HAVING AN AFFAIR.

You can't at all reconcile or work on your marriage if youo're having an affair! 

The thing that damaged your marriage, your wife having an affair, you are now doing yourself. You can't fight fire w/ fire. Two wrongs don't make a right.

Stop having an affair and tell your wife about it. Get it all out in the open. Then together, decide what you want to do moving forward.

Third parties aren't going to fix anything. 


I can see how the fog comes over you and nothing makes sense anymore.

You would think that if marriage is so great it could withstand temptation. Again, what is so great about marriage anyways ?

Feeling sorry for myself today. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better...[/QUOTE]


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well I guess you're getting a divorce then because while being in an EA your R will NOT work

do yourself a favor and tell your wife now and start the process


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Looking to heal said:


> You would think that if marriage is so great it could withstand temptation.


It's up to the married person to resist temptation. Temptation is every where, every day. It's what people choose to do with that temptation. And in your case, you chose to follow temptation as did your W. Why bother giving your W a few months if you're going to continue your EA? You can't focus on repairing your M in any way if you have someone to run to on the side, which you do. And you even said it will more than likely become a PA at some point. So what are you waiting for, time to get your own ducks in order so you can exit this M? Why even string your W along if this is your plan... Your own very powerful EA becoming a PA eventually :scratchhead:


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## Looking to heal (Jun 15, 2011)

As far as reconciliation process, my wife has done most of what she has needed to do.

She describes herself as feeling empty and unhappy.

Her plan is to get herself in a better place and then make amends with me.

She is now on top of our MC sessions seeing an IC each week.

I just feel my life is on hold and it sucks.

I will end EA. It cannot continue.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What is the point of MC if you are having an affair?


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## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

Ill take a stab at this. 

The confusion starts with your idea of marriage being similar to that of the government which is primarily financial obligation and child custody focused.

Bad marriages are not marriages at all under my definition. 

Marriage is a total package of 

1. Love (affection, attention, appreciation, respect)
2. Friendship 
3. Loyalty 
4. Partnership
5. Companionship 
6. Flexibillity
7. Growth as individuals with the unwavering support of the spouse
8. Commitment

I could keep giong but I dont really have to. 

When you have that it is GREAT. 

How many so-called marriages meet that standard? 

Not too many. 

Many so-called marriages suck when you peel these layers back. 

How you say

1. Love is neglected and becomes resentment
2. Friendship expectations are put upon yur spouse but not met by you
3. Loyalty becomes considered foolish and unnecessary
4. Partnership is one of convenince only
5. Companionship is neglected living seprate lives under the same roof (until its too late)
6. Flexibillity becomes my way or the highway
7. Growth as individuals with the unwavering support of the spouse is vetoed by a controlling, jealousm or insecure spouse

Hope that clears it up for you


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Marriage itself isn't much when you get right down to it. It's a piece of paper saying that two people are legally bound to each other, and if you're religious then it's also sanctified by your God. It's what the two people involved take it to mean that counts, and if both people aren't involved in making it into a good marriage then it won't be a good marriage.

Right now you have a marriage but it isn't a good one. You can decide to do your best to make it a good one, or you can decide to go on and have your PA, or you can decide to end your EA but not work on the marriage/continue in a bad marriage, or you can end the marriage. It's totally up to you.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

To the OP, in order for you and your wife to reconcile, you HAVE GOT TO END YOUR AFFAIR. End it now.
As far as "what's so great about marriage"?
So many things;
A friend to enjoy in both good time and bad.
A lover who knows all of your "red light" spots and you know hers.
Someone to cuddle with anytime.
Someone to wake up with every day.
NOT BEING ALONE - EVER (even when you are separated)
Someone to laugh with, laugh at, and who laughs at you.
No secrets(no need for them).

Now that being said, what so many people don't realize until trouble sets it is that a marriage is WORK. It's not TV show, lovey dovey romance 24/7. it's hard work. If you think your day job is hard and your marriage is in trouble, you have no idea what hard work is.
It is also the most fulfilling work you will ever do.

I wake up every day thinking to myself, "What can I do today to make my wife happy, to make her laugh, to make today a little easier on her?"
Every day!

And every day I am rewarded with love, affection, laughter, joy, and the promise of a good day tomorrow.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

DanF said:


> To the OP, in order for you and your wife to reconcile, you HAVE GOT TO END YOUR AFFAIR. End it now.
> As far as "what's so great about marriage"?
> So many things;
> A friend to enjoy in both good time and bad.
> ...


I am divorcing, and admitedly a little jaded and scared of relatonships in general. Much less the prospect of ever re-marrying.

Thank you for your post. I needed to read that.


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## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

DanF said:


> No secrets(no need for them).
> 
> I wake up every day thinking to myself, "What can I do today to make my wife happy, to make her laugh, to make today a little easier on her?"
> Every day!
> ...


:iagree:


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## UnwarrantedParanoia (Sep 1, 2011)

Looking to heal said:


> As far as reconciliation process, my wife has done most of what she has needed to do.
> 
> She describes herself as feeling empty and unhappy.
> 
> ...


I'm glad you will end EA. Remember, YOU are NOT like her. If the marriage ends, You WILL be able to hold your head up high and say you, unlike her, were able to resist temptation and do the right thing. You will have upheld your vows and promises. A man without his word is nothing. Hang in there.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

DanF said:


> I wake up every day thinking to myself, "What can I do today to make my wife happy, to make her laugh, to make today a little easier on her?"
> Every day!
> 
> And every day I am rewarded with love, affection, laughter, joy, and the promise of a good day tomorrow.


I need to put this on my fridge!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I too have changed my opinion of marriage after my W's PA, its not that I'm jaded about it or even feeling like marriage somehow mistreated me. It's that I got married because I thought it was the right thing to do... but as I'm beginning to understand doing the "right thing" isn't always what we need.

The only reasons I can see left standing for marriage is 1) religious belief 2) the benefit of helping the family you are building meet their basic belongingness needs. Even the legality of marriage isn't something that has any weight since most places permit divorce without fault anyway.

More importantly I think everything that can be attained in a good marriage is also attainable in a good committed relationship, even permanency.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

As someone that is still somewhat in the fog, this post was bad for me to read. I didn't need this. Taking backwards steps again, dang it!!!


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