# Need some input on what wife said after night out



## tjr873 (Sep 20, 2014)

Last night my wife went out for dinner/drinks with a few of her friends, which was fine with me. After she got home she was telling me about the night and mentioned that a few guys were hitting on them. She said one of the guys was the "wingman" who was married and had kids so my wife ended up having a friendly conversation with him. She then proceeded to tell me that this guy said she's hot and that she responded to him with "you should tell that to my husband".

Her response is what upset me, as if she was saying I don't think she's attractive which isn't the case at all and she knows it. I almost feel like for some reason she put me down in front of this guy. When I confronted her about it, she said "I know you find me attractive" and "didn't know what she meant by it". She said she didn't understand what the big deal was and got an attitude and then went to bed.

This is still really bothering me and I'd like to get some input from others - Am I overreacting?


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

The way I translate her remark is that she was giving the wingman the green light to continue flirting with her. She let him know there's some dissatisfaction in her marriage. She enjoyed the conversation with him and wanted him to continue on the track he was on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Hmm. I take it the opposite way. A non confrontational way of telling the guy she's married, so he's wasting his time.

At any rate, women love compliments at attention. Boy how. Just keep that in mind.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I think her telling you about this is a misguided way of getting attention from you.

She told you he said she was hot. I take this as "Hey, look at this hubby, other men think I'm 'shackupable' they hit on me seeeee?!"

The "you better tell that to my husband" comment sounds and that she told you she said this to him, sounds like she doesn't think you make her feel sexy or attractive enough.

On the other hand, the "you better tell that to my husband" comment could also be her more passive way of putting the breaks on his flirtation. Kind of like when a guy hits on a woman and she flashes her wedding ring or says, "I wouldn't mind but I'm sure my husband would have something to say about it."

Her saying she didn't know why she said it is a cop out. She knows but didn't want to start a or continue the fight.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

This a one off (isolated) incident? If so, give it the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps treat it as a backhanded compliment, someone else also thinks your Wife is hot, rather than a reason to think she's looking.


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## tjr873 (Sep 20, 2014)

Forest said:


> Hmm. I take it the opposite way. A non confrontational way of telling the guy she's married, so he's wasting his time.
> 
> At any rate, women love compliments at attention. Boy how. Just keep that in mind.


I forgot to mention that she had already told him she was married at the beginning of their conversation. I have no problem with her getting compliments like that, I just would have expected her to simply say thanks instead of her other comment.

I think Cubby might be on to something... maybe she was afraid he wouldn't continue to be flirty if she acted like everything was fine with our marriage.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Show her she is sexy, hot and desirable by doing something sexy hot and desirable with her. Take her out on a date that makes her feel like your trying to get in her pants. Talk dirty, touch her and feel her skin. Look at her like you are longing for her. Just don't make it sickeningly obvious to others. 

Then take her to a hotel/motel and bang her like a sailor who's ship just docked after six months at sea.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

tjr873 said:


> I forgot to mention that she had already told him she was married at the beginning of their conversation.


Right there, that comment, that is what you needed to know. She set a solid ground rule, a boundary, right out of the gate, to the guy. She let him know exactly where her head was at, and it wasn't with him. It was with you. :smthumbup:


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## tjr873 (Sep 20, 2014)

Thanks for the comments so far everyone. After reading these I realize that I need to work on complimenting her more and making her feel hot/sexy, especially since we just had our second child 3 months ago. I'll be working on this...


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

The way I look at it is this.

If she was fishing for compliments, you need to take action.

If she was reminding you she's hot and other men think so but wasn't fishing for compliments - you need to take action.

The actions are pretty much the same here since she has not cheated on you...yet.

Don't get complacent/be complacent in your marriage. Remember back when you first started dating/got married and like a lot of people were probably at it like rabbits? Well, that's partly because you were both trying to impress each other. Think about the kinds of things that speak to her love language. Not how you feel loved but what makes her feel like you really do love her, appreciate her etc. For me, quality conversation is a big winner. When he sits down and shows an interest in what I'm talking about and he also talks to me, it makes me feel loved and appreciated. Your wife may value something else. 

Compliment her, look at her with those bedroom eyes. My spouse has a certain look in his eyes that reminds me that he is still into me... it goes much further than his words ever do. It also helps that it's usually when I'm not all made up. Like I just got out of the shower or I'm wearing sweat pants and a t-shirt so not dolled up at all. It's the same kind of look he gave me when we first got together and he really was into me. It makes me feel good. 

Switch up longer love-making sessions with surprise quickies. Once in a while when the kids aren't around, just take her... by surprise as if you can't help yourself because she's so sexy and you have to have her right now. A favourite of some women (so I've heard) is just being bent over a table, the side of a couch, the stairs and having their brains banged out... although YMMV if your wife isn't much into sex. Sometimes you have to do away with the romance and the kid gloves and just give a good sexy pounding. It's primal, raw, animalistic and creates a sense of urgency and lust... lust within marriage or an LTR is a good thing.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

tjr873 said:


> Thanks for the comments so far everyone. After reading these I realize that I need to work on complimenting her more and making her feel hot/sexy,* especially since we just had our second child 3 months ago.* I'll be working on this...


:smthumbup:

Good for you for realizing that. The bolded is especially important. I've got two kids. A little reassurance about being sexy - not just pretty or beautiful but a total MILF goes a long way after having a baby. So many things about pregnancy, child-birth, and caring for a newborn make you feel unsexy... being elbows up in poopy diapers, breastfeeding (once fun-bags, now a source of nourishment) and getting baby spit-up on your clothes is not an aphrodisiac. 

I think your compliments will go a long way.


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## ThirtyYearsIn (Sep 20, 2014)

Depends on the tone I think.

She could be reminding him that she is in fact married and thinking about you.

She could be letting him know that she feel you are not paying enough attention to her and do not make her feel desired.

Bar banter can be awkward. Two married people tagging along are probably out of practice.


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## kindnessrules (Sep 5, 2014)

There's a lot about your relationship I don't know, but you and your wife are probably still young and frisky (at least younger than me) and that aspect of marriage is still very important to you. It could have been the "few drinks" talking and maybe it was just talk and nothing else. But there is nothing wrong with trying to pay your wife a little extra attention - happy wife, happy life?

When a guy flirted with me or when I have found someone attractive, I always told my husband and he always said "You're married, you're not dead" and was never jealous because he felt secure - he found me attractive and knew other guys might too. But he trusted me because I always told him everything.

Maybe finding a time to sit down together and just tell her it made you a little insecure and asking her how she really feels about your relationship, her feelings for you, how she perceives your feelings for her, etc. could help you feel better. We have a weekly meeting where we talk about anything and everything, and get everything out on the table. It is a way to honor and value our relationship and we have found it very helpful.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

How often does she do these GNOs at pickup joints?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

tjr873 said:


> Thanks for the comments so far everyone. After reading these I realize that I need to work on complimenting her more and making her feel hot/sexy, especially since we just had our second child 3 months ago. I'll be working on this...


IMO your wife is into you. She is looking to have you say she is hot, sexy and very desirable. The only reason she came home and told you this is for you to get a clue she desires your attention. Not some con artist at the bar. So you got your marching orders. Few pointers, text her she is hot. Leave a note somewhere she will find stating she is sexy. These little things go a long way in creating a very intimate relationship with your W.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

DayOne said:


> Right there, that comment, that is what you needed to know. She set a solid ground rule, a boundary, right out of the gate, to the guy. She let him know exactly where her head was at, and it wasn't with him. It was with you. :smthumbup:


No question your W has boundaries. Be glad and rejoice! Realize she is on the up and up. She has demonstrated great respect for you and the marriage. Now go spoiler her with something. After you apologize!


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Yeswecan said:


> No question your W has boundaries. Be glad and rejoice! Realize she is on the up and up. *She has demonstrated great respect for you and the marriage.* Now go spoiler her with something. After you apologize!


I disagree about the respect. She as much as told this guy that she's not satisfied with the way her husband treats her. Then she told her husband that she told a guy that was flirting with her that she's not satisfied with the way he treats her. That's not showing respect for her husband.

I don't think there's much here, but if I were her husband there would be a serious discussion about not denigrating me in situations like this.


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## ellaenchanted (Sep 7, 2014)

Forest said:


> Hmm. I take it the opposite way. A non confrontational way of telling the guy she's married, so he's wasting his time.
> 
> At any rate, women love compliments at attention. Boy how. Just keep that in mind.



Yes I agree


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## SunnyWife (Aug 6, 2014)

Nucking Futs said:


> I disagree about the respect. She as much as told this guy that she's not satisfied with the way her husband treats her. Then she told her husband that she told a guy that was flirting with her that she's not satisfied with the way he treats her. That's not showing respect for her husband.
> 
> I don't think there's much here, but if I were her husband there would be a serious discussion about not denigrating me in situations like this.


I agree completely with the lack of respect. For myself I have a solid rule about never putting Hubby down to anyone ever. 

If I ever feel that a guy is hitting on me I will bring Hubby into the conversation somehow and always in a good light to let them know that this is just a friendly conversation that I am enjoying but keeping the boundary there. I always tell Hubby if/when this happens and always remind him of how I make him look like the most loved man on the planet. 

I work with the public all day long and often see repeat clients and yes, often times they do need reminders of the fact that Hubby is in my life and that our marriage is a happy one. That's just the way it is. So the fact that your wife had to remind him does not surprise me at all.


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## IcePrincess28 (Aug 4, 2014)

I disagree. I think it was her polite way of telling this guy she is married- while accepting his compliment. 

IMO- given the amount of info you've given us- you're over reacting and owe her a 5 minute back rub


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

SunnyWife said:


> I agree completely with the lack of respect. For myself I have a solid rule about never putting Hubby down to anyone ever.
> 
> *If I ever feel that a guy is hitting on me I will bring Hubby into the conversation somehow and always in a good light to let them know that this is just a friendly conversation that I am enjoying but keeping the boundary there. I always tell Hubby if/when this happens and always remind him of how I make him look like the most loved man on the planet. *
> 
> I work with the public all day long and often see repeat clients and yes, often times they do need reminders of the fact that Hubby is in my life and that our marriage is a happy one. That's just the way it is. *So the fact that your wife had to remind him does not surprise me at all*.


:iagree:

That's exactly what the OP's wife did. She told him in the beginning she was married, and when he started complimenting her, she reminded him that she was married by bringing up her husband in her reply. And then she came home and told her hubby all about it, so as to be honest as to what all happened while they were out. 

I think she handled it well. I do not see that she disrespected her husband in any way.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

If her intent was to remind the wingman of her happy marriage, and excellent boundaries, she could use those exact words, with the emphasis on the words my husband. As in, he won't take kindly to your inappropriateness... I would have problems even with that charitable interpretation, because she should take responsibility for shutting the dude down, not push it onto her husband. That's a disservice to any woman, why does another male need to be involved, why can't she just tell the guy she isn't interested? But back to the main point, she would know exactly why she chose those words, and she wouldn't be unable to give a reason.

Deflection, defensiveness, and attitude upon being called out on a remark that could be disrespectful, and open the door for that ass to push more, kind of looks suspect to me.

At any rate. you need to communicate with he'd about this. Openly, honestly, and wholeheartedly. And you need to create safety together for your true feelings to come out, avoid blame, defensiveness, hostility, whatever. you both need to get to the truth, so you can actually address the issues you have together.


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## IcePrincess28 (Aug 4, 2014)

and you wonder why so many single men complain about being snubbed by women- and as a result- many single women say that they are not approached by men enough. 

Why does OP's wife have to be rude? She appreciated the compliment and let the man know she is happily married by acknowledging her husband. 

If I was a man that complimented a woman - who gave me the response "thanks, tell my husband that" - how would it be suspect?? unless she was trying to invite me for a threesome??? Then yes. Suspect and gross. Obviously- she wasn't.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

IcePrincess28 said:


> and you wonder why so many single men complain about being snubbed by women- and as a result- many single women say that they are not approached by men enough.
> 
> Why does OP's wife have to be rude? She appreciated the compliment and let the man know she is happily married by acknowledging her husband.
> 
> If I was a man that complimented a woman - who gave me the response "thanks, tell my husband that" - *how would it be suspect*?? unless she was trying to invite me for a threesome??? Then yes. Suspect and gross. Obviously- she wasn't.


The implication of "you should tell that to my husband" is that the husband does not find her hot. It's not much of a jump to think that a woman who believes that her husband does not find hot would be dissatisfied in her marriage.

Understand, there is nothing wrong with the rest of what she said, but she put her husband down with that line. And if, as she said, she knows her husband finds her hot, what was the point of that statement? It's not going to warn a real player off, it's a pointer to an opening.

To be clear, this


IcePrincess28 said:


> Why does OP's wife have to be rude? She appreciated the compliment and *let the man know she is happily married by acknowledging her husband.*


is the opposite of what she did. She let the man know that she thinks her husband doesn't appreciate her and highlighted for him just how to attack her marriage.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I think both interpretations of what she said/how she said things are legitimate. Only OP's wife truly knows what her intent was in saying what she did and how she did it.

I still say that if it was a light-hearted warning to back-off, the decision to tell her husband she was hit on in the first place was still likely a cry for his attention.

I think OP getting angry over this to his wife instead of addressing her backhanded request for more attention/validation from him will only backfire. 

Still, a conversation about boundaries and what he expects in the future shouldn't hurt. Just don't go ballistic about what she said without addressing the reasons she said it.

Personally, and playing devil's advocate here, I have said similar things - not meant to disrespect my spouse when flirted with. "You're sexy." "Gee thanks, my boyfriend thinks so too." or "Wanna go on a date with me?" "Sure I'd love to but my boyfriend might mind."

I think dictating exactly what she should have said as indicated by an above comment is a bit over the top. Let's be real here folks. Him: "You're really hot." Her: "(Stop right there potential adulterer!) I am a married woman with good boundaries. Don't say that to me!" (hiss, scratch, snarl)" Come on...it's a bit much to ask.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

GNOs aren't risky at all. Nah.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

tjr873 said:


> When I confronted her about it, she said "I know you find me attractive" and "didn't know what she meant by it". She said she didn't understand what the big deal was and got an attitude and then went to bed.
> 
> This is still really bothering me and I'd like to get some input from others - Am I overreacting?


If this was her way of shooting this guy down, why not just say that!! Nope. When questioned what she meant .........she's says "didn't know what she meant by it". WTF!!! Bullsh!t answer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

She doesn't feel admired enough by you.

If that comment was supposed to be an invitation to more flirting for the guy, she would not tell you about it......
But she did tell you, she didn't keep it secret.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Wives have a funny way of not even hearing a compliment from their husband unless he repeats it in front of others. Don't try to get them to admit it, though. Because (repeating) they never heard it. 

A compliment from a stranger? Different deal. That goes straight to the ego bank like complimentary heroin. Then, the husband gets the "you never" speech.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Forest said:


> Wives have a funny way of not even hearing a compliment from their husband unless he repeats it in front of others. Don't try to get them to admit it, though. Because (repeating) they never heard it.
> 
> A compliment from a stranger? Different deal. That goes straight to the ego bank like complimentary heroin. Then, the husband gets the "you never" speech.


Not in my world. My wife acknowledges every comment and terms of endearment she receives from me. Is she flattered if another says she is pretty? Sure. I tell my wife that that person in 100% correct. She is pretty. If a person says I'm handsome I'm flattered. My wife would agree as well. I used to get the you never speech. It was a time when I was not complimenting my W.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Damn damn damn....

OP, you failed to get to the real conversation. Do not be so shallow with your wife and come running to strangers.

Ask her what wingmans response to that statement was and how the conversation went after this. Ask her what she meant by that comment...

Your wife is telling YOU something. The message will be with the rest of the conversation with him and how the night went with all these horny guys and wingmen.

You need to start actually listening to your wife.

Also, read and understand MMSLP. Good for your maleness.

How would you respond talking to some married chick in a pickup place with that statement. It was for him to interpret, not you. What would your wife think knowing you're a wingman going to a pickup place. 

What the hell are you doing. Go with her next time.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

To the OP: your wife's answer to that guy tells him a few things.

1. Her marriage is not great.

2. That she is married and therefore "safe" for a possible fling.

3. That she has no respect for you, the husband.

4. The fact that she is at a singles bar without you strongly suggests that she is open to opportunities.

5. The fact that she is in a GNO group suggests that she is open to other possibilities.

6. She is a game player because she would rather play games than just flat out tell you that she needs more attention from you.

7. She put you down to a stranger. She does not have your back!

Your wife is no longer to be trusted.

I would suggest that you not give her more attention until she admits the error of her ways. She needs to grow up and act like a mature grownup. This is not junior high school any more.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

I see a lot of overreacting in some responses so I'll add my 2 cents, OP. 
It all depends on what tone she said the words "tell that to my husband". A sad, bitter tone would translate "yeah, tell that to X, he doesn't give a damn about me". I've said these words as response to a compliment, meaning just that, and loving the validation from a stranger.

Or, the same words said with a polite smile could mean : "You should know there is a husband. Back off". 

Hell, these words, with a playful voice and a wink can even mean "I have a husband, but we welcome a threesome".

Or maybe, she just didn't use the best choice of words. 

If you haven't been present to witness your wife's voice and body language and the exact context she said this in, it's too big of a jump to make her "to be no longer trusted", as someone suggested.
Only you know your wife, we don't. If it's the first, then instead of getting mad, you should think of how to improve and make her feel loved, so next time she can say instead "Thank you, my husband tells me the same! "


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

Hortensia said:


> I see a lot of overreacting in some responses so I'll add my 2 cents, OP.
> It all depends on what tone she said the words "tell that to my husband". A sad, bitter tone would translate "yeah, tell that to X, he doesn't give a damn about me". I've said these words as response to a compliment, meaning just that, and loving the validation from a stranger.
> 
> Or, the same words said with a polite smile could mean : "You should know there is a husband. Back off".
> ...


You are not considering one fact: The husband knows his wife better than anyone and yet he started this thread. He did so for a reason. He feels concern for a reason. Don't forget this most important fact.

The tone of his wife's voice is immaterial.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

WalterWhite said:


> You are not considering one fact: The husband knows his wife better than anyone and yet he started this thread. He did so for a reason. He feels concern for a reason. Don't forget this most important fact.
> 
> The tone of his wife's voice is immaterial.


:iagree: Yeah, I was starting to wonder if I was wrong about my initial thought and post (I thought she was giving the flirty married guy the green light to continue.....) and maybe others are right about her telling him she's married because she wanted to stop the guy from proceeding.....

But then I thought of the fact that the OP actually posted here, which speaks very loudly to the fact that something isn't quite right with his marriage.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

OP, how long have you been lurking here or reading prior to posting?

I ask because I do think that TAM, while a good place can make some people more paranoid about their own situations sometimes more than they ought to be and that might provoke them into posting here.

Many who post here have been victims of infidelity (myself included). There is a level of hypervigilance that comes after such a devastating betrayal for a lot of people. This sometimes lends itself to people seeing red flags everywhere and often thinking the worst case scenario for other's situations...sometimes when things really aren't that bad.


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

Forest said:


> Hmm. I take it the opposite way. A non confrontational way of telling the guy she's married, so he's wasting his time.
> 
> At any rate, women love compliments at attention. Boy how. Just keep that in mind.





Lila said:


> OP, I think in this case, you are overreacting.
> 
> Your wife's statement was a passive way of reminding the guy that she's married and to turn it down a notch...or 10.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Here on TAM I tend to default to expecting the spouse to do the wrong thing, but the way I read it she did absolutely everything right. She made it known she was married initially and when he pressed, she reminded him.

Another poster in another thread brought up a good point regarding women and directness- they have a good reason to be more indirect. They are physically weaker and especially with the sickos we have in our society, they must be careful not to anger a man (who could potentially become physical if he's not right in the head). Your wife was friendly but made her marriage status known; her comment that bothered you is her indirect way of stopping the advance without risking conflict.

Be very careful about this. You need to know you pressing her might demonstrate insecurity if its not framed right.



tjr873 said:


> Thanks for the comments so far everyone. After reading these I realize that I need to work on complimenting her more and making her feel hot/sexy, especially since we just had our second child 3 months ago. I'll be working on this...


Compliments are great, but don't overdo it. Remember this:

*Things offered often and cheaply have little value.*

Just saying she looks pretty often will eventually make the statement mean nothing. Consider the WAY you tell her: maybe you give her an overt prolonged look scanning her body bottom to top, meet her eyes, give her a nice ****y smile and a little wink, and then go back to whatever you were doing (reading the paper, etc).

This SHOWS her she's pretty instead of it just being words, AND it demonstrates your confidence in the process. There are many other ways to do this- just use your imagination. Show attraction.

At the same time, create tension- dont be "easy" where she never has to "work" for it. Its good when BOTH spouses challenge and tease each other to create tension- it makes the sex and intimacy all the better.

Im sure you already do much of this- it seems she is happy with you and that means youre doing things right :smthumbup:

Good luck


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Personally I don't think the issue is how much you complement your wife, I think that the issue is that your wife shouldn't be talking to men who are obviously hitting on her when she is out with the girls. She needs to behave like a married mother of 2 and not having interesting conversations about her looks with a married man. Maybe these nights out need to end.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

tjr873 said:


> I forgot to mention that she had already told him she was married at the beginning of their conversation. I have no problem with her getting compliments like that, I just would have expected her to simply say thanks instead of her other comment.


I honestly think you're reading this wrong, tjr.

My wife is pretty. She's 43, so by this stage she's had hundreds of compliments on her appearance. She knows she pretty. This is not new news. Most compliments are met with a "thank you". If she considers them too familiar she'll say "I'm married", as your wife did. I read "Tell that to my husband" as having definite undertones of "because you wouldn't say that to me if he was here. You are less of a man than he is". i.e. Stop. I'm not interested.



> I think Cubby might be on to something... maybe she was afraid he wouldn't continue to be flirty if she acted like everything was fine with our marriage.


Surely she would have said something along the lines of "I wish my husband would say that to me..."? i.e. Keep the compliments coming.

I don't see any criticism of your marriage in what she did say.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You have to consider four things.
1. She went out with friends in a place where women get hit on (seems like some are single?).
2. She got hit on by a married man.
3. She told you about the conversation.
4. She did not have sex with anyone.

What does this all mean? Not everyone is a terrible cheater. But she is telling you what she wants from you. She gave you an example. Take her out somewhere fun, hit on her, and tell her she is not.


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## IcePrincess28 (Aug 4, 2014)

Cubby said:


> But then I thought of the fact that the OP actually posted here, which speaks very loudly to the fact that something isn't quite right with his marriage.


Just bc he is the OP does not mean he automatically has the correct handle on things. That is why he is here. To receive validation and criticism for this point of view. 

Although OP has the most information on his wife- that does not mean his point of view is infallible. OP can very well be a spouse who takes everything his wife does- offensively- when there is a question of doubt. Or he can be very justified in his approach bc of other information.

And in this case- when it comes down to giving the benefit of the doubt- for whatever background of their marriage- (yes, OP does have the most information on his wife) - OP will not give his wife the benefit of the doubt. 

Obviously- many of the answers given- bc they are such subjective matters- often mirrors the posters' personal experience. For example- Some that have had WS or bad experiences related to such, might be more inclined to agree with OP (not saying you had to have a WS in order to agree with OP). I have had issues with controlling jealous SO (however- I am not calling OP controlling nor jealous)- and that has had a hand in my initial response in this thread.


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## hubbydude (May 15, 2014)

tjr873 said:


> Thanks for the comments so far everyone. After reading these I realize that I need to work on complimenting her more and making her feel hot/sexy, especially since we just had our second child 3 months ago. I'll be working on this...


Also, don't forget to remind her that you too are quite capable of receiving attention from other women. Compliments make someone feel attractive, yes, but knowing that their partner is a 'catch' also makes them feel attractive.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

OptimisticPessimist said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Here on TAM I tend to default to expecting the spouse to do the wrong thing, but the way I read it she did absolutely everything right. She made it known she was married initially and when he pressed, she reminded him.
> 
> ...


She did absolutely everything right!?!

Perhaps we read different threads. In this thread she did a lot of things wrong.


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## shakazulu2420 (Sep 16, 2014)

kindnessrules said:


> There's a lot about your relationship I don't know, but you and your wife are probably still young and frisky (at least younger than me) and that aspect of marriage is still very important to you. It could have been the "few drinks" talking and maybe it was just talk and nothing else. But there is nothing wrong with trying to pay your wife a little extra attention - happy wife, happy life?
> 
> When a guy flirted with me or when I have found someone attractive, I always told my husband and he always said "You're married, you're not dead" and was never jealous because he felt secure - he found me attractive and knew other guys might too. But he trusted me because I always told him everything.
> 
> Maybe finding a time to sit down together and just tell her it made you a little insecure and asking her how she really feels about your relationship, her feelings for you, how she perceives your feelings for her, etc. could help you feel better. We have a weekly meeting where we talk about anything and everything, and get everything out on the table. It is a way to honor and value our relationship and we have found it very helpful.


Dude, its her of saying I'm enjoying my evening and flirting but I'm married.Polite way of saying "jus so ya know....im taken".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## shakazulu2420 (Sep 16, 2014)

shakazulu2420 said:


> Dude, its her of saying I'm enjoying my evening and flirting but I'm married.Polite way of saying "jus so ya know....im taken".
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Didn't mean to copy the post above mine as a reply. Sorry. Answer was for the asker. If my wife said that I'd be happy
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

murphy5 said:


> it was some sort of tease. You should have stripped her clothes off, done her on the kitchen table, and asked her to tell you all about her conversation as you pounded her. let her really tease you with it.


Has anyone ever told you, you're a hopeless romantic, murphy?


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

i know! my soft side comes out!


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I don't have enough to go on here to make a call on the wife's behavior. But....I do know enough to call the married wing man a jerk. The term wing man and married just don't go together. Just going out with single friends pretty much guarantees you will have some interaction with the opposite sex. But calling yourself a wing man means you're up for more in my opinion. I tried that with my recently divorced friends and it ain't worth the risk.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

tjr873 said:


> Last night my wife went out for dinner/drinks with a few of her friends, which was fine with me. After she got home she was telling me about the night and mentioned that a few guys were hitting on them. She said one of the guys was the "wingman" who was married and had kids so my wife ended up having a friendly conversation with him.


 The very fact that he is the "wingman" means that he is a player. Why is it OK with your wife for this player to be hitting on her just because he is married? Since your wife's girl friends go out to pickup spots and are open to the approach of other men, why is it OK with you that she go drinking with them when they go to such places?



tjr873 said:


> She then proceeded to tell me that this guy said she's hot and that she responded to him with "you should tell that to my husband".


 Him telling your wife that she is "hot", confirms that his intentions were not platonic and that the conversion was inappropriate. Her telling him that you do not appreciate her, was her telling him that he was not wasting his time hitting on her, and that she was receptive to it.

For married women "girls night out" is suppose to mean no men, and not no husbands but other men that want to pick up on them are OK. Do not try to nice your way out of this. Do not try to win her over by being more attentive. Rewarding her for bad behavior, only gets you more bad behavior. Tell her that there can be no more of this type of girls night out unless other men are prohibited not just husbands.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Honestly it doesn't matter if your wife is as hot as hell or flat out homely. She's in a bar. People drink in bars. She was drinking, the married wing man was drinking and talking to a woman and in the back of his mind he's thinking that maybe there a chance no matter how small of a chance so he starts with the line "Your hot" and she could have a babies arm growing out of her forehead and he's going to say that she's hot. As long as she has the proper plumbing, she's hot. 

Maybe she was subtle and let him know that she was married so I would chalk it up and give it a zero. Nothing happened and I'm sure she's handed you a worse zinger then the one you mentioned


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Whether she meant to or not she handed him an opening, and a player would have known just how to exploit it. You may believe and she may believe that she could never cheat on you but so did most of the betrayed spouses and a lot of the wayward spouses on this board.

Go to some PUA forums and read about it. For that matter, post there what she said and see what they say. I'd bet serious money that they'd all agree she gave him a hint how to work her.

Once you've done that, sit her down and show her what they said about it so she can learn what not to say.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Nucking Futs said:


> Whether she meant to or not she handed him an opening, and a player would have known just how to exploit it. You may believe and she may believe that she could never cheat on you but so did most of the betrayed spouses and a lot of the wayward spouses on this board.
> 
> Go to some PUA forums and read about it. For that matter, post there what she said and see what they say. I'd bet serious money that they'd all agree she gave him a hint how to work her.
> 
> Once you've done that, sit her down and show her what they said about it so she can learn what not to say.


:iagree:
Something to think about.
Time for less GNOs.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Players are always probing. Not all probes work the same.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

It's all in how you use your probe. It's not the size.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Dude, it seems pretty harmless. I almost never say this but you might be insecure.

I think it is the height of respect when a wife challenges a PUA to let her husband know what he just said. My wife has done it, I have done it and a couple of friends have also used the same line your wife used.

When my wife told me very nearly the same thing your wife did, I seduced her with dinner and flowers and then made her "melt" once or thrice in the bedroom.

Talk to her about it calmly. She probably handled the situation super cool and you are taking it wrong.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

tom67 said:


> :iagree:
> Something to think about.
> Time for less GNOs.


Agreed. 

I think it's just sooo sweet everyone saying what a good job she did and patting her on the back for being such a conscientious wife....

My ass...

A conscientious wife who honored and respected her husband wouldn't be going to nightclubs where she knows she's going to get hit on. Oh she may say no the first few times. Hell she may control herself the first hundred times out. But all it will take is that one night where the combo of booze and that one particular handsome player who flips all her switches...and we have rocking car motion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Married women should not go to bars without their husbands*.*


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

synthetic said:


> Married women should not go to bars without their husbands*.*


B-b-b-b-but wouldn't that be controlling if a husband objected? In all seriousness, agreeing to put your wife in situation where her boundaries are under assault is foolish. Eventually the boundaries erode.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Cubby said:


> B-b-b-b-but wouldn't that be controlling if a husband objected? In all seriousness, agreeing to put your wife in situation where her boundaries are under assault is foolish. Eventually the boundaries erode.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Or the boundaries were never there to begin with. It's tough to enforce new boundaries on a wife who has never been held accountable for her actions.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Or the boundaries were never there to begin with. It's tough to enforce new boundaries on a wife who has never been held accountable for her actions.


Yeah, that's probably true. Or the only boundary she has might be something like "no PIV sex," which isn't really where her boundaries should begin, since it allows girls' night outs, flirting, dancing, drinking, etc, which makes that final hurdle a lot easier to clear.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

synthetic said:


> Married women should not go to bars without their husbands*.*


Well here is the thing Synthetic, when or at what age do people, both male and female married, stop going to bars? For the life of me, I don't get it. Me and my wife do not care to go to bars. Together or on a girls/guys night out. Since we have married we went to a bar maybe 4 times. The reason is one bar is/was owned by her uncle at the time. It was a Halloween party. The other bar is owned by her brother and we wanted to see and support his new business a bit(visited 2 times). 

For single people, it is a place to meet. So I can understand frequenting a bar. Married people...not so much.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

I don't get the don't go to a bar if married, the W and I do, maybe once a month. Sometimes we go dancing together or watching a game.

However, we don't do BNOs or GNOs at clubs. Maybe at sports bars, but that is rare.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

naiveonedave said:


> I don't get the don't go to a bar if married, the W and I do, maybe once a month. Sometimes we go dancing together or watching a game.
> 
> However, we don't do BNOs or GNOs at clubs. Maybe at sports bars, but that is rare.


If you consider a bar and grill as going to bar then we go. But, its for the food. My W might have a fruity drink. I'll have a bottle cheap beer. We eat, maybe watch the sporting event for a bit but roll out soon after finishing our food. 

My W GNO is with friends. It always entails a restaurant for a birthday party for one of them. A picture is posted on FB of all them at the table enjoy a drink and dinner. Kind of a given these days with FB. She is home by 9 at the leastest. Jumps my bones. 
BNO is usually a ballgame with my BIL or a car show(daytime) with my brother. Simple enough.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

naiveonedave said:


> I don't get the don't go to a bar if married, the W and I do, maybe once a month. Sometimes we go dancing together or watching a game.
> 
> However, we don't do BNOs or GNOs at clubs. Maybe at sports bars, but that is rare.


Yeah but you're together. The bars you are talking about are not what we're talking about. 

We're talking married men and women who go to night clubs where the primary activities are drinking, dancing and hooking up. These are not sports bars, pubs or grilles. 

We're talking a wife taking her girlfriend or girlfriends at clubs where they know men are going to hit on them before they even go there. They dress sexy, they put on the best perfume, and they dance and flirt with strange men.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

yep, bandito. That is the difference. GNO (or BNO), you need to have boundaries, friends of the marriage and location....


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Yeswecan said:


> Well here is the thing Synthetic, when or at what age do people, both male and female married, stop going to bars? For the life of me, I don't get it. Me and my wife do not care to go to bars. Together or on a girls/guys night out. Since we have married we went to a bar maybe 4 times. The reason is one bar is/was owned by her uncle at the time. It was a Halloween party. The other bar is owned by her brother and we wanted to see and support his new business a bit(visited 2 times).
> 
> For single people, it is a place to meet. So I can understand frequenting a bar. Married people...not so much.


We go to bars all the time, and always have. We like live music, and my SO likes microbrews. We have a great time even though we're old.

We also go to bars separately. My neighborhood is near a ballpark, so lots and lots of bars, bar & grills, music/dance, everything. I have a couple of good friends I go with, have a bite to eat, have a drink, catch up on our lives. My SO goes to a few different microbrew places with one of his friends who is also a beer guy. He also goes to concerts (bands I do not like) with one of his friends who is a radio dj and gets tickets. I don't go into shock even though those places are full of young women.

Not everyone has these lives where being a couple excludes establishments where alcohol is served.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

norajane said:


> We go to bars all the time, and always have. We like live music, and my SO likes microbrews. We have a great time even though we're old.
> 
> We also go to bars separately. My neighborhood is near a ballpark, so lots and lots of bars, bar & grills, music/dance, everything. I have a couple of good friends I go with, have a bite to eat, have a drink, catch up on our lives. My SO goes to a few different microbrew places with one of his friends who is also a beer guy. He also goes to concerts (bands I do not like) with one of his friends who is a radio dj and gets tickets. I don't go into shock even though those places are full of young women.
> 
> Not everyone has these lives where being a couple excludes establishments where alcohol is served.



My wife and I lived in a neighborhood on a peninsula that has 5 bars on the water. We never went to any in those 11 years living there. Just not our thing. Beer and microbrew is not my thing. I like scotch! We go to bars/grill situation for a drink and dinner. 

I go to concerts with my two daughters. My wife does not care to go. Last concert we went to was Kiss and Def Lepard. My wife does not go into shock when I go to these concerts with what some would call, "Filled with cougars." LOL. 

I think the bars most are talking about here are those that would be classified as meat markets. Patrons are expected to be hit on etc.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Yeswecan said:


> My wife and I lived in a neighborhood on a peninsula that has 5 bars on the water. We never went to any in those 11 years living there. Just not our thing. Beer and microbrew is not my thing. I like scotch! We go to bars/grill situation for a drink and dinner.
> 
> I go to concerts with my two daughters. My wife does not care to go. Last concert we went to was Kiss and Def Lepard. My wife does not go into shock when I go to these concerts with what some would call, "Filled with cougars." LOL.
> 
> I think the bars most are talking about here are those that would be classified as meat markets. Patrons are expected to be hit on etc.


I'm sure the assumption is about meat markets, as though people don't do any flirting and hitting on others anywhere else. I live in a big city, and there are "meat markets" everywhere you go. In fact, meat markets exist pretty much anywhere men and women go. Ever been to a bar/pool room? It's just a pub with pool tables and darts, but there's a lot of hitting going on.

I have a couple of friends who love going to the "meat markets" and dressing up and having the latest ****tails. Some are single, some are married. We enjoy the drinks, the dancing, the music. And you know what? I've never gone home with anyone regardless of where they might approach me, bar, pub, club, work, or the grocery store.

Cheating is highly dependent on the individuals, not the venue.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

norajane said:


> I'm sure the assumption is about meat markets, as though people don't do any flirting and hitting on others anywhere else. I live in a big city, and there are "meat markets" everywhere you go. In fact, meat markets exist pretty much anywhere men and women go. Ever been to a bar/pool room? It's just a pub with pool tables and darts, but there's a lot of hitting going on.
> 
> I have a couple of friends who love going to the "meat markets" and dressing up and having the latest ****tails. Some are single, some are married. We enjoy the drinks, the dancing, the music. And you know what? I've never gone home with anyone regardless of where they might approach me, bar, pub, club, work, or the grocery store.
> 
> Cheating is highly dependent on the individuals, not the venue.


My BIL owns a bar/pool hall. We are aware of what happens there! The bar is the potential catalyst to indiscretion but as you said, depends on the individual. No doubt! Going to these types of bars just is not what my W and I like to do. Sitting on our deck by the pool drinking mint juleps...that is what we like! Usually have a few family and friends over to imbibe.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I've never been a big fan of using ones marriage or spouse as a way to shut down potential flirting. It comes off too much as excuse making rather than boundary setting. Too often it inadvertently sends the wrong message..."My wife wouldn't really want me doing this", or "My husband would flatten you if he was here", "If I wasn't married..." Those kinds of statements, usually used with the intent of shutting the other person down firstly assume the other person actually respects the fact that you are married, but are also passing the responsibility to an entity that isn't there. A much more direct, full ownership "I don't want this attention from you." shuts things down much more effectively because it's about what YOU want, and not what someone else wants...

Sheesh...people are just too worried about not coming off as rude. I don't care how rude I have to sound...my wife and marriage are way more important to me than the opinion of some stranger.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

norajane said:


> I'm sure the assumption is about meat markets, as though people don't do any flirting and hitting on others anywhere else. I live in a big city, and there are "meat markets" everywhere you go. In fact, meat markets exist pretty much anywhere men and women go. Ever been to a bar/pool room? It's just a pub with pool tables and darts, but there's a lot of hitting going on.
> 
> I have a couple of friends who love going to the "meat markets" and dressing up and having the latest ****tails. Some are single, some are married. We enjoy the drinks, the dancing, the music. And you know what? I've never gone home with anyone regardless of where they might approach me, bar, pub, club, work, or the grocery store.
> 
> Cheating is highly dependent on the individuals, not the venue.


But why risk it? That's my question. Why put yourself in that position?


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

norajane said:


> I'm sure the assumption is about meat markets, as though people don't do any flirting and hitting on others anywhere else. I live in a big city, and there are "meat markets" everywhere you go. In fact, meat markets exist pretty much anywhere men and women go. Ever been to a bar/pool room? It's just a pub with pool tables and darts, but there's a lot of hitting going on.
> 
> I have a couple of friends who love going to the "meat markets" and dressing up and having the latest ****tails. Some are single, some are married. We enjoy the drinks, the dancing, the music. And you know what? I've never gone home with anyone regardless of where they might approach me, bar, pub, club, work, or the grocery store.
> 
> Cheating is highly dependent on the individuals, not the venue.


Have NONE of your friends have done anything inappropriate?

I applaud your loyalty. Im just not into Russian Roulette.  Goes for me also btw. Rules go BOTH directions.

Ive just seen too many she got drunk and he was hot situations.


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## IcePrincess28 (Aug 4, 2014)

Norajane- I understand what you're saying. I live in manhattan. The entire island is a party zone. You can't go to dinner without being in one. A lot of restaurants are in lounge settings. 

To avoid it is like avoiding going to dinner at 7-8pm.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

IcePrincess28 said:


> Norajane- I understand what you're saying. I live in manhattan. The entire island is a party zone. You can't go to dinner without being in one. A lot of restaurants are in lounge settings.
> 
> To avoid it is like avoiding going to dinner at 7-8pm.


Yes, that's it exactly. It's just always been a part of our social lives since college, and continues to be though we are in our 40's. It's not anything "unusual" and it's not done to get away from our partners so we can flirt with other people. It's just where we socialize with friends.

No one needs the bars as an excuse to misbehave. We, and our friends, do not go out for that purpose.

I've seen far more misbehaving with people who meet at work.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

tjr873 said:


> Last night my wife went out for dinner/drinks with a few of her friends, which was fine with me. After she got home she was telling me about the night and mentioned that a few guys were hitting on them. She said one of the guys was the "wingman" who was married and had kids so my wife ended up having a friendly conversation with him. She then proceeded to tell me that this guy said she's hot and that she responded to him with "you should tell that to my husband".
> 
> Her response is what upset me, as if she was saying I don't think she's attractive which isn't the case at all and she knows it. I almost feel like for some reason she put me down in front of this guy. When I confronted her about it, she said "I know you find me attractive" and "didn't know what she meant by it". She said she didn't understand what the big deal was and got an attitude and then went to bed.
> 
> This is still really bothering me and I'd like to get some input from others - Am I overreacting?


No, you are not. Her response very well could be a leaving the door open kind of comment. She signaled to this other guy that you don't appreciate her the way he does, even though he likely was just wanting to get in her pants. 
When I was married, I'd never tell another woman she is hot. 

And I can only imagine that if I was committed to someone else and another woman came on to me, told me I was good looking, the only reason for me to respond, "you should tell my wife/gf that" or "My wife/gf doesn't think so" is to invite more flirting and see where it leads.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Forest said:


> Hmm. I take it the opposite way. A non confrontational way of telling the guy she's married, so he's wasting his time.


That's what I thought at first, not knowing the manner in which it was said by typed text on the internet.

But then he asked her for clarification and if what you said was the case, she'd have said so.

I agree with other people, she was feeling this other guy out or giving him the green light for more flirting.


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## forthekids64 (Jun 1, 2014)

People are so childish so what if some guy flirted with her and made her feel beautiful because obviously you're not doing it, you may think in your mind that she is beautiful but maybe you don't tell her enough or maybe the way you tell her it's not special enough. We all need compliments and it's nice when those compliments come from strangers. I remember a similar situation happening with me and my first girlfriend after she told me that I rocked her world in bed that night and made her feel like a Queen. It was never an issue after that.


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