# What to do????????



## TNchic (Oct 19, 2015)

Backstory:
We've been married almost 7 years. Have two kids (8 & 5). Before I go into our issues, I want to say my husband will work his fingers to the bone to provide for us. He is truly an amazing father and provider! I know he loves me, but I don't know on what level? Does he love me b/c I am the mother of his children, or b/c he is in love with me as his partner in life? Anyway, we have been in and out of counseling since the first year of our marriage. He has lust/sex/intimacy issues that continued to creep up in our marriage in the form of him talking to other women and/or porn. No physical cheating (that I know about????!!!!!) but more than a few occasions of mental/emotional cheating. Of course with that came the lying and deception to and toward me. After the second time it happened, I started recognizing his patterns. Then, as soon as he would start that phishy behavior, I'd start my investigation to see who or what was occupying his time/mind/everything. I would find out, tell him he had to go back to his SA support group, get back into counseling, etc., or I was leaving. He always goes back for a short period of time, things get better, and then I look up and we are right back in the same spot. The last time it happened I really got to my breaking point and told him this was it. I was done. He immediately started his group, counseling (with some couples therapy too), etc. b/c he knew I was truly fed up. He learned about the Love Languages (what both of ours were, etc.), listened to what I needed and wanted, starting to actually see me, value me. It was amazing! Things went great for about 6 months. Not to say there weren't some patterns that showed up in that time period, but I would say "honey, I see your patterns showing up?! What is up with you? Talk to someone!" He would and within days I would see improvement.
During the last three years of our marriage our sex life has dwindled to very very slim! At first, I was having issues getting beyond the lying and emotionally intimate relationships he has had with other woman, and could not bring myself to have sex with him. I say have sex, because I think it has been a VERY long time since my husband has actually made love to me! In the course of all of our counseling, he learned that he can't grab my a$$ and expect me to get turned-on and jump in the sack with him. He started learning how to romance me, etc. He also told me some of his needs that I started to handle... being the initiator; more oral sex; etc. So things in the sex dept. are never bad, and we are both trying to work on it, but the instances are just very few and far between up to this point.
Where we are now:
So for the last 3.5 - 4 weeks (almost a month) he has been extremely distant with me (one of the many red flags I see with him when he is engulfed in what I simplify by calling it "fantasy land"). I didn't immediate jump to the conclusion that anything was going on, but I let him have a week or so to go through it and when I saw it wasn't getting any better I said something. "Honey, you are being very distant. You haven't touched me or shown me any affection in days even when I've tried to initiate the affection? I don't like that...I need to feel love from you." He said, "Sorry honey...you know how I get sometimes." I said "Again, yes I do, but I do not like that. I need to feel loved by you." 
He continued to be pre-occupied by whatever fantasy land he is currently in, and I have continued to grow more angry and more angry. This weekend we finally had some time to ourselves and I decided to put my anger aside and give in another effort. Try to be affectionate with him. Spend QT with him, etc. We put in a movie on Friday night and I must have tried to hold his hand, snuggle up to him, etc. a dozen times during the movie. Just trying to initiate some intimacy between us. He always found a reason to get out of my grip. To roll over and get his drink, to get up to go smoke, to go pee, etc. I never stopped trying. As soon as the credits started to roll, he rolled over in the bed with not so much as a good night honey, and started to go to sleep. I was FURIOUS!!!!! I immediately got up, went outside to cool off and smoke a cig, then ran myself a bubble bath to try to calm down and not lose my cool.
He ended up waking up and coming in the bathroom rubbing his eyes like he had been asleep for awhile (keep in mind this was about 20 min. later) saying "what are you doing honey". I was totally short and *****y to him. And that is when he started, in my opinion, damage control...
When I got out of the tub and back in the bed, he snuggled up next to me, put his arm around me, and pulled me close to him. At this point I was LIVID!!!! I just had to throw a stupid silent fit after being rejected all night to get you to show me some affection?! Then he kept asking "are you mad?" "are you okay?" It just felt so fake to me. It was like he was worrying about how much I knew, and how he could make me all better really quick.
The next morning he left to go to wk about 5am. He showed up that afternoon with a new sweat suit for me. Then Sat. night he gave me some pity sex. 
My delimma:
So now what? Am I just not seeing the writing on the wall? Is he just a cheating bastard and I need to wake up and smell the coffee? Do I leave? Do I make him leave? I feel like we have done counseling until we are blue in the damn face?! And now, with this new "I don't want to touch my wife" **** I'm getting, I've got more than a blue face?!?!
HELP!!!!!


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