# Walk Away Wives-Would you care if he started dating?



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

I've been gone for a few days. It's nice to see the threads about women checking out of marriages. We need to talk about it.

My wife is gone. Has been for quite a while. Like many, she never told me it was happening. When I dragged it out of her, my world crashed. She was gone. Never to come back. I had to go through the grieving process alone. We're staying together for the family (please don't turn this into a "go or stay" thread. There is a huge group of us that decided to stay. I'm really just looking for advice from the "stayers" anyhow). 

It's funny. One of the first emotions that hit me when I figured it out was how my PAST had changed. Sure we had problems, but we loved and respected each other. WRONG. I don't know how long it had been exactly, but a long, long time since she'd enjoyed my kisses, desired intimacy with me. All of that snuggling and hugging was a lie. I feel deceived.

So just because she made a mistake by marrying me, I can never feel love again? Know what it's like for a woman to desire me? Want to hold me, kiss me, make love to me? It's not fair.

So women. You don't love him any more. So why would you care if he went looking elsewhere? You're either not having sex with him or, like my wife, spreading your legs, closing your eyes and hoping it ends quick. That's not fair to either of you. If he was dating, he'd be slobbering over someone else's body, not yours. It would seem like a win-win.

I'm not talking about cheating. I want to tell my wife that I need to feel loved. Need to feel desired. So I'm going to go out looking. Dating sites, getting out in the community and meeting people. Would you care if your husband said the same thing? Would you let him do it? Would you care?


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Some people are okay with open marriage. If you're honest with your wife and she's okay with you having a sex-buddy while still being your platonic wife, then you can go have a relationship with someone else while not letting go of your ties to your wife. I'd say that would get messy though; in my opinion, if you aren't able to make it work with your wife, you ought to divorce and find someone else because life is too short to spend so much of it on misery. Have you discussed open marriage?


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

If I am reading this right, your wife checked out of the marriage. You know she is unhappy with the marriage but you still have a desire to stay married. Now you are complaining that she doesn't want to show you love or intimacy? She doesn't want to be married to you.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Mrk. If you and your wife are determined that splitting up is just not an option could you elaborate on why?

I think you should absolutely exhaust all efforts to find a spark again before taking that open marriage step. I just don't think it's sustainable long term.

If you believe in psychology and human nature as I do then you must believe it's possible to rebuild what's loss regarding emotional closeness. 

Surely your wife loved or at least liked something about you in the beginning. Read "His Needs / Her Needs" together and see if you learn anything that helps you rebuild.

I think sleeping with people outside of marriage cannot ever be a win-win.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

If you're staying together because of the kids, remember that your kids will learn about marriage and how to be married from watching you. If you live together in a loveless marriage, without affection, they'll see that an someday make themselves and someone else miserable.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Likewise, do you want the children learning that open marriage is alright? Do you want them to think that getting a lover/mistress on the side is the way to fix a broken relationship? 



> So just because she made a mistake by marrying me, I can never feel love again? Know what it's like for a woman to desire me? Want to hold me, kiss me, make love to me? It's not fair.


Yes... you can, you need to however, decide that wanting that is more important than whatever reasons you are deciding to stay in this marriage. 

An open marriage or a tragically unhappy one isn't the magic cure to save your children. Further - I doubt any religious compunction to stay married smiles on cheating. 

Can she go out and date other men? Or - are you planning on only asking for the openness to be on your side?


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Thank you for all of your responses. I'm really looking for walk-away-wives who have stayed in the marital home. Who are with their husband in the house but have checked out. Would you care if he started dating again? You're just roommates now anyhow. I wouldn't care if my roommate was dating. 

To answer a few questions.

1 - I'm not going to elaborate on why I'm staying. This is not the place for that debate.

2 - Of course she can date if she wants. It will KILL ME if she does, but I understand I can't keep her from it. 

3 - Funny how you all immediately call it an "open marriage". I don't see it that way. An open marriage presumes we are still married. We really are not in any practical sense.

4 - My wife and I will never get back together. There will never be a spark that can be rekindled. Too much water under the bridge. Also, my wife makes it pretty obviousl she has no interest.

It is true I have not thought it out far enough. How it will work. It will surely force us to have that "mom and I have fallen out of love, but do not want to break up this family" conversation with the kids that is WAY overdue. We'd probably start there.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

There are ways to address this problem in alternative manners. 

There was a whole write up in a magazine (I don't remember if it was Redbook or Parenting, or whatever) about partners who break up, but then move in with their new spouses/partners into the home to keep the children grounded and the family together. 

Also, I'm sorry, but, I'll have to agree to disagree about the distinction of marriage, and again, I'll query if that's what you want to teach your children that marriage is only if you "feel" married. And that otherwise, "alternative arrangements" are acceptable if not encouraged, so everyone can live in the same house.

I can't provide the insight you are looking for, so, I'll bow out of this topic.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

MrK said:


> Thank you for all of your responses. I'm really looking for walk-away-wives who have stayed in the marital home. Who are with their husband in the house but have checked out. Would you care if he started dating again? You're just roommates now anyhow. I wouldn't care if my roommate was dating.
> 
> To answer a few questions.
> 
> ...


Well if she can date, then you can also. Like you said, the marriage is over. In my state, once one spouse say to another those words, the marriage is indeed over. If dissolution papers are filed, that date goes on the papers as the termination date.

If you are staying together for the children, they should not be involved in your dating lives. Children do not need to know all about adult matters.

I know parents who live together to raise the children together & also for finanical reasons, but the marriage is over. They also date other people. The difference is that the did get a dissolution of marraige legal document to protect themselves financially.

Your situation is not that unusual expcept in this forum.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Starstarfish said:


> There was a whole write up in a magazine (I don't remember if it was Redbook or Parenting, or whatever) about partners who break up, but then move in with their new spouses/partners into the home to keep the children grounded and the family together.


That sounds perfect. I'll look for it. Thanks.




Starstarfish said:


> Also, I'm sorry, but, I'll have to agree to disagree about the distinction of marriage, and again, I'll query if that's what you want to teach your children that marriage is only if you "feel" married. And that otherwise, "alternative arrangements" are acceptable if not encouraged, so everyone can live in the same house.


My kids come from a broken marriage. I've already got "teaching" problems with my kids. I've got to deal with them one way or another. I have options. "Divorce or be a bad father" aren't the only two.




Emerald said:


> I know parents who live together to raise the children together & also for financial reasons, but the marriage is over. They also date other people. The difference is that the did get a dissolution of marriage legal document to protect themselves financially.


Thanks. Actually, seeking legal help would make the end of the marriage a little more formal. That's what I need. Thank you.

This is good. I'm getting some good responses. Please keep them coming. But keep the "Open marriage" and "Divorce or you're a bad parent" comments out of it. It's not that I don't appreciate them, but I get the message. Been there done that. 

My life is a mess right now. I need to balance what is best for my family vs. what helps me sleep at night (besides pills). I'm fine with my whole arrangement right now, except for one small issue: I refuse to go through the rest of my life and not know what it feels like to be desired. I've got a good 40 years or so on this planet. If you include the last 20 or so since she checked out, I refuse to bow out not having been wanted for my last 6 decades or more. I can't do it. I only get this one shot, and I still have time to make something out of it.

Please keep the advice coming. I still want to hear from the walk-aways. How would you deal with it if your "husband" proposed any of this? Would you care? I don't want to hurt my wife (even after what she has put me through). But I need to do something, and nothing is right yet. I hope I'm on to something here. Finally.

Thanks again, 
K


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

MrK said:


> 4 - My wife and I will never get back together. There will never be a spark that can be rekindled. Too much water under the bridge. Also, my wife makes it pretty obviousl she has no interest.


With all due respect and my greatest admiration for you, this is called "predicting a negative future for your spouse". Statistically, your chances of reconnecting within 5 years are better than 50/50


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Well, I'm not sure how you would describe the walk away wife, then?

I typically think of it as left the home, surprise divorce request.

For many months I've been firm that my marriage was over. Separate bedrooms, splitting the bills, no desire to do anything about it. That changed recently.

During the room-mate phases, he made it VERY clear that there was NO WAY any other person was to be involved. We discussed it. 
That would result in immediate end, and no more room-mate privileges, that would mean moving out physically not just mentally.

I would have to disagree with the concept. You may be done with the relationship, but out of respect for the marriage and your kids, I would move out before I would let that happen. That's just me. 

Maybe your thoughts on this will be the motivator to take action and separate? Are you in a state\province where you can file for divorce after 12 months of "legal" separation, even if you are living together?

No matter what she says now about any of this, even if she agrees to it, if you ever do get divorced, what's to say she doesn't sue you for adultery later? 

And what kind of relationship are you going to have with a woman that knows you still live with your wife? You will be like any other married man claiming his marriage is dead. Beware the drama and bunny boilers ahead. Keep your kids safe. 

If you are legally (on paper) separated, that might be a different story.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

MrK said:


> It is true I have not thought it out far enough. How it will work. It will surely force us to have that "mom and I have fallen out of love, but do not want to break up this family" conversation with the kids that is WAY overdue. We'd probably start there.


But the family IS broken up. You are not a cohesive unit. A legally binding document does not make it so. 

I would suggest you tell her you want a divorce or MC. Let her choose and then follow through.

It's never good for you, her, the kids...no one... to start a relationship (even just physical) while married. Your 'dating' another IS going to effect the family - it's time you aren't spending with them. The kids are better off with a father who is 100% devoted to them when together, even if it's typical visitation, than a distracted, absent-minded half-in-the-present Dad.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

And if you stay, explain to the kids you are out of love but trying to keep the family under one roof I guarantee the kids will be VERY affected by your actions the evenings you aren't home. You could say you are working late (and even really be working) but they will assume you were out with a woman and will start to resent you and blame the 'falling out of love' on you.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Drover said:


> If you're staying together because of the kids, remember that your kids will learn about marriage and how to be married from watching you. If you live together in a loveless marriage, without affection, they'll see that an someday make themselves and someone else miserable.


:iagree:

Staying together for the sake of the children often causes much more damage to them than an amicable divorce. Divorcing one another doesn't mean divorcing the children, and is preferable, IMO to bringing them up in a confusing open marriage scenario.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Cosmos said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Staying together for the sake of the children often causes much more damage to them than an amicable divorce. Divorcing one another doesn't mean divorcing the children, and is preferable, IMO to bringing them up in a confusing open marriage scenario.


Awesome. In one short post you were able to hit BOTH of my simple requests of things not to hit. Good job.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

If she's walked away, my guess is she could care less about what you do.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

MrK said:


> Awesome. In one short post you were able to hit BOTH of my simple requests of things not to hit. Good job.


I'm afraid I did. This isn't just about your need to be loved, or your wife's needs. It's also about the effects of rearing children in a loveless marriage - something you would both do well to consider.


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## Hellioness (Jul 6, 2012)

If I had checked out I wouldn't care, though that might cause complications if you're staying together for the family. What would you do if you ended up developing deep feelings for another woman? Say "Sorry Toots! Ya know I love you but I gotta stay with the wife!"?


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

Very Easy answer to your question. Instead of asking for opinions on the post, *ask your "wife", get the answer, and do what you see fit.*


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

MrK said:


> Awesome. In one short post you were able to hit BOTH of my simple requests of things not to hit. Good job.


I think you need to get real. Your wife is not a walk away wife, if she was she’d be gone by now. You know she would have “walked away”.


You’re not only behaving like a poor victim, you’re also very controlling. Both are exceedingly unattractive and are probably two of the reasons your wife is behaving like she is. For goodness sake grow up.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I'm not a walk away wife, but I don't know that there are many on this forum.

Have you looked into an in-house separation? I know that's possible where I live (Australia) and in the UK. There are lots of requirement re sleeping arrangements and schedules, but it might help to make things more formal.

Anyway, I don't think it matters if it would hurt your wife for you to have a relationship with someone else. I think she's forfeited that right.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

MrK said:


> I've been gone for a few days. It's nice to see the threads about women checking out of marriages. We need to talk about it.
> 
> My wife is gone. Has been for quite a while. Like many, she never told me it was happening. When I dragged it out of her, my world crashed. She was gone. Never to come back. I had to go through the grieving process alone. We're staying together for the family (please don't turn this into a "go or stay" thread. There is a huge group of us that decided to stay. I'm really just looking for advice from the "stayers" anyhow).
> 
> ...


the bottom line is if you do and she agrees then you will eventually find someone you connect with and then you will most likley end the marriage at that point. its called an exit affair.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

I will NEVER forget the day I figured it out and my world came crashing down around me. Problems in our marriage I had witnessed for years, but didn't fully understand. One sentence from her lips and it all crystalized instantly. Oh my god, she doesn't love me. Not only did my present and my future change immediately, but my PAST changed as well. 

How could I have not known? How ****ing SICK can she be to pretend ALL OF THOSE YEARS!!!? All of those "happy" times we spent together. All of those times with us professing our love for each other and she was already gone. And then, with my world crashing around me, I had nobody to turn to for help. She was over it already and wanted me to do the same. She said so.

Thanks everyone for your advice. I realize now that I cannot date while in a marriage. How stupid for me to even think so. But I don't owe this woman crap. I have not been a perfect husband (who is?). But the crap she bestowed upon me for 10 years before I found out. Then the pure unadulterated EVIL she has shown during my mourning period has made it impossible for me to want to reconcile. She has made it obvious that there is no hope from her side either.

I'm not leaving her. Boo, ****ing hoo. My kids don't have the perfect parents. They'll survive. We're both staying put. PLEASE make that the end of THAT conversation. I've heard all of the reasons. Over, and over, and over. I've made my decision. I'm staying.

And since I can't openly date to get the intimacy I desire, I'm going to do it clandestantly. Yes, behind her back. I don't owe her ANYTHING. I'm going to do what I have to do to stay sane. To try to find some happiness in my life. 

Thank you for all of your advice.

K


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> And since I can't openly date to get the intimacy I desire, I'm going to do it clandestantly. Yes, behind her back. I don't owe her ANYTHING. I'm going to do what I have to do to stay sane. To try to find some happiness in my life.


That's it! Affairs fix EVERYTHING. Why didn't you think of that before?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I almost feel sorry for the woman you're going to unleash your fury and contempt upon. There's no way you're not going to reflect it in any relationship you try to develop. And how will you manage this secret life around your kids without them finding out what you're up to? They're not dumb. They know what's going on with you and your wife.

A better use of your time would be some individual counseling to help you deal with what you're going through.


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## just the way you are (Aug 27, 2012)

MrK said:


> I will NEVER forget the day I figured it out and my world came crashing down around me. Problems in our marriage I had witnessed for years, but didn't fully understand. One sentence from her lips and it all crystalized instantly. Oh my god, she doesn't love me. Not only did my present and my future change immediately, but my PAST changed as well.
> 
> How could I have not known? How ****ing SICK can she be to pretend ALL OF THOSE YEARS!!!? All of those "happy" times we spent together. All of those times with us professing our love for each other and she was already gone. And then, with my world crashing around me, I had nobody to turn to for help. She was over it already and wanted me to do the same. She said so.
> 
> ...


Hi MrK,

You have replied on my other post.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/54654-180-what-if-she-prefers-way.html

I have considered your point so many times the last 3 months. (my wife walked away 3 months ago in June). I felt that I won't be able to meet my biological and emotional needs if she stays this way forever.

My conclusion is that it will be a wrong move to date others while staying married. First of all, you will have a negative image/reputation (including to the children), not everyone realizes that you got a WAW. Secondly, you will damage the chances of reconciliation. Thirdly, in case you decide to separate/divorce later, you will get the accusations of having OW much more than she gets the blames of WAW. People are more judgmental of a cheating spouse's affair rather than a loveless spouse.

I am still staying in and hoping that there can be a positive change. But I have set a 6 months deadline. If there is no improvement by Dec, I will move out with my 2 older children. (we have agreed in the case of divorce, I will take the 2 older ones and she will take the smallest one). Then I will declare an official separation, and may (or may not) start dating again. But at this time, I will do it without guilt and people cannot blame me for cheating on my spouse anymore.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

It would help to know the reasons why you are still living together. Is it only for the children? Financial? I think most people that stay together only for the children co-exist peacefully & do not date other people. They put their sexual & intamcy needs "on hold" until the children are grown & out of the home. Although not popular on TAM, it does happen all of the time.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> It will surely force us to have that "mom and I have fallen out of love, but do not want to break up this family" conversation with the kids that is WAY overdue. We'd probably start there.


 WOW! I would NOT want to be one of your kids. You can deny it ALL YOU WANT, but YOUR KIDS are gonna feel responsible for you two staying in the same house, miserable, dating other people. 'If it wasn't for us, they could have just divorced and moved on.'

Do you think THEIR SCHOOL-AGED FRIENDS will not find out that you and W are not divorced, but not married, but free to date others, but ...whatever. YOU & YOUR WIFE will be the TALK of your children's social set (and your kids will resent the h*ll out of it.) No way to keep THIS a secret...neighbors will talk, the kids will gripe to their friends who in turn will blab it all over school.

PLEASE re-think this WHOLE divorcing/but not, staying in the same home/dating others, kids would prefer we stay together, etc.

Why don't you just ASK YOUR KIDS if they would rather you two divorce and move on with your lives or would they prefer that you two stay together in the same house (legally divorced or legally married) and available to date others and semi-move on with your lives (don't expect a significant other in the future to move into THIS house!!)

I just REALLY don't get what you're aiming to do with this? Maybe if you explain it better, we'd get it better...cuz I'm lost!


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## Hellioness (Jul 6, 2012)

MrK said:


> And since I can't openly date to get the intimacy I desire, I'm going to do it clandestantly. Yes, behind her back. I don't owe her ANYTHING. I'm going to do what I have to do to stay sane. To try to find some happiness in my life.
> 
> Thank you for all of your advice.
> 
> K


Doing this is only going to cause your children to resent you and blame the failure of the marriage on you when they find out, and they will. Even if they don't fully understand it until they're older they will see this as you betraying your family and destroying the relationship.

Even if you hadn't cheated in the past they won't believe it when you say so.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> WOW! I would NOT want to be one of your kids. You can deny it ALL YOU WANT, but YOUR KIDS are gonna feel responsible for you two staying in the same house, miserable, dating other people. 'If it wasn't for us, they could have just divorced and moved on.'
> 
> Do you think THEIR SCHOOL-AGED FRIENDS will not find out that you and W are not divorced, but not married, but free to date others, but ...whatever. YOU & YOUR WIFE will be the TALK of your children's social set (and your kids will resent the h*ll out of it.) No way to keep THIS a secret...neighbors will talk, the kids will gripe to their friends who in turn will blab it all over school.
> 
> ...


I agree SGW. Maybe MrK's next question will be asking us for advice on how to fix his car but tells us he's not willing to put tires on it.

If R is out and D is out then there are no good solutions.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

:iagree: Yup.

It sets a bad example for your kids as to what a healthy relationship is. 

Divorce already. You can't get true intimacy from anyone else sneaking around. It's a bandaid. And eventually you WILL find out you care about someone else and leave. The repercussions will be 10x worse then.

You don't want to hear it but it's true.


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## HiMaint57 (May 24, 2012)

You requested comments from WAW's. I guess you could call me that except I'm still with my husband. The marriage relationship has ended and we live as roommates. Our children are grown and out of the house.
Although the issue isn't about staying or leaving, I'll share that I stayed because he asked me to -- so we could take care of each other. I agreed, but I'm not liking the arrangement as it implies there's an intact marriage when there's not. But another story.

I wouldn't date until if and when we were divorced. I would feel way too guilty, and more guilt is the last thing I need. Right now I have no desire to date anyone.

If he dated right now, I wouldn't blame him because I was the one who said I wasn't happy in the relationship. I'd rather he not do it while still married, but I would feel that he was entitled.


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## Joylush (Sep 28, 2013)

I wished my husband had a girlfriend who could show him why our relationship wasn't good enough. Then he'd want out and I wouldn't have to be the bad guy. 
If your wife can't or won't acknowledge your problems then she doesn't love you the way you deserve to be loved. Her needs are being met and they don't include a need for sex. Your needs are not being met. If she can't/won't meet them then if she loved you she'd let you get them met--even it meant losing you or her sense of security.


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## Joylush (Sep 28, 2013)

It may not be as simple as that. Once you find what you so desperately need you're going to find yourself hurting even worse. You'll end up hurting the woman who falls in love with you.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Here is going to be your issue and the real question you have to ask yourself. Are you searching for someone to really connect with, feel an emotional bond or a Friday night hook-up? 

Your saying you want to feel desired etc yet most of those feelings really need to be cultivated and explored with someone. Its called dating. You cant by your own admittance devote yourself fully to a new relationship. Now you may find someone who really interests you by the time you get done explaining "the im married but im not married, she knows its ok" line do you really think any woman is going to take you seriously? 

You may score and have some fun but then she is just looking for what you wanted a Friday night hook-up, no more than that.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

MrK said:


> I will NEVER forget the day I figured it out and my world came crashing down around me. Problems in our marriage I had witnessed for years, but didn't fully understand. One sentence from her lips and it all crystalized instantly. Oh my god, she doesn't love me. Not only did my present and my future change immediately, but my PAST changed as well.
> 
> How could I have not known? How ****ing SICK can she be to pretend ALL OF THOSE YEARS!!!? All of those "happy" times we spent together. All of those times with us professing our love for each other and she was already gone. And then, with my world crashing around me, I had nobody to turn to for help. She was over it already and wanted me to do the same. She said so.
> 
> ...


I absolutely know exactly how you feel. My lowest point was when my father died. She knew he only had hours left and she chose to stay at work even though she could have got off with pay. At the funeral I had to grab her hand, because she wouldn't grab mine.

I'm staying, because I made a vow til death do us part, and at this stage I'm ready for deaths icy grip.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Zombie thread.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

If he starts dating, he's history.


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## Joylush (Sep 28, 2013)

Thound said:


> I absolutely know exactly how you feel. My lowest point was when my father died. She knew he only had hours left and she chose to stay at work even though she could have got off with pay. At the funeral I had to grab her hand, because she wouldn't grab mine.
> 
> I'm staying, because I made a vow til death do us part, and at this stage I'm ready for deaths icy grip.


You already experienced that icy grip- from a living devil. Vows go both ways and you have been betrayed. Love yourself enough to recognize you made that vow under false pretenses. Most women would treat a stranger better than that.


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