# Now what?



## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

In an attempt to get things going around here, my H and I did the deed last night. It was awkward at first, but then things happened. Unfortunately, as usual, the H left me behind in the dust. Basically, we kissed a little, he humped my leg a bit  and then when intercourse started, off he went.

Now, I'm blue in the face letting him know the things that I like and would turn me on/ get me off. But, somehow, when the actual sex happens, he does none of those things. For many years, I would try to sexyly get him there ("oh, yeah, hon. would you bite my neck a little?" or whatever). This seemed distracting to him, so I stopped and instead tried to let him knoww at moments where sex was not happening so he wouldn't feel the distraction (I often made it game, like "tell me what you like? and I'll tell you what I like"). Well, none of that stuff still shows up during sex.

My confusion is that my H is a giving person in every other area of our lives. But, when it comes to sex ... well, no offense guys, but he's *such* a guy!

So anyway, he climaxes and that's that. I'm a bit silent afterward so he figures uh, oh, something must be wrong. Duh! He knows I didn't orgasm but, for some reason, he seems to think this is okay or that I wouldn't be just a tad sexually frustrated, which makes me a bit cranky. In the past, I've just left for a few minutes to take care of myself, but that makes him feel bad about himself, so I tried to wait. So, he leans over and says (as he has done a thousand times before) "I'll get'cha next time, hon". Huh? Really? That just pissed me off so bad. First, I've heard that one too many times to believe it. Second, how about you get me NOW? He could've *at least* offered. I may or may not have taken him up on it (since, as the humping the leg mention above suggests, his understanding of the female anatomy often leaves me underwhelmed) but he could've at least offered.

Anyway, this morning I tried hard to be nice and not show that I was still in a funk (I had taken care of my needs but it wasn't quite enough). He noticed, of course, and then ensued the "what's wrong?" "what did I do?"

I honestly was just so irate and broken-hearted (there's a long history of this pattern) and then that much more annoyed that he would fail to understand that repeated and extended sexual frustration does not bode well for my mood or amorousness (is that even a word?).

But, I know now that saying anything just makes him feel insecure, beat-up on, etc, etc. My need and desire for sexual satisfaction merely makes him feel pressured and, despite how gentle I've been about it in the past (and when I can manage it these days) seems like nothing will eliminate the tension between us other than my saying to him, "don't worry about it - I don't need orgasms, you go ahead and have your pleasure" and then plaster a smile on my face.

Well ... I went ahead and said that ... I told him that to eliminate the issue of being a sexless marriage, we can have sex once a week, he can go ahead and do his business without worrying about whether I'm pleased or not and that's that. I said I was tired of having expectations and that my expectations were clearly putting too much pressure on him where he couldn't perform anyway - so I'll just let go of those expectations and we can have business sex once a week for the sake of not being complete losers.

.... he agreed.

So ... why should I any longer believe that he gives a **** about my pleasure. He obviously doesn't and that's what I thought all along. I'm fine with the arrangement in the sense that I won't have to hear his moping and whining anymore about how I'm "putting too much pressure on him" (is it not normal for a person to want sex to be satisfying to climax sometimes?). But, I also feel like my heart broke in two and whatever tiny little bits of love or hope that maybe have been hiding there poured right out onto the dirt! Also, lesson learned I guess ... don't make propositions expecting that they won't be accepted (I guess I did partly expected it, but was hoping I was wrong).

Now what?


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

wow mslady, that is tough. my h has also had a hard time pleasing me. but he does try. 

i think you should stop having sex with him. i think its horrible that he basically uses you and doesn't try to please you at all. i dont think you should pretend this new arrangement is ok, when clearly you are heart broken. i dont think you should paint a smile on your face just so he doesnt have to feel "pressured." 

He just seems so unwilling to even try anything you like. maybe he'll listen if he's as frustrated as you.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

MsLady said:


> Now what?


As I've said before, you don't know how to get the best out of him. But on this occasion you actually set him up to fail - to fail your love test.

You are a stone's throw away from having a good sex life, but you insist on keeping it sub standard.


----------



## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

> As I've said before, you don't know how to get the best out of him. But on this occasion you actually set him up to fail - to fail your love test.
> 
> You are a stone's throw away from having a good sex life, but you insist on keeping it sub standard.


I respectfully disagree with you, Mark, and resent your persistence on putting the blame on me. I know that these issues are two-way streets and both parties have their shortcomings, but I feel confident in my heart that I have worked very hard, very lovingly and very selflessly on this for many years. You are right, though, that I don't know how to get the best out of him ... but you fail to acknowledge that in order for that to happen, he'd have to try ... at least just a little. He doesn't and that is not my fault.

You should understand that the woman that is describing her marriage today is one that is at very end of many years of frustration. I didn't start out this bitter. 

He has worn me out ... and you focus on me still finding the energy to "help him be his best". Mark, at what point do I expect that the man will put a little bit of effort into this. I feel like I've been running a marathon for 5 years dragging him along on my shoulders. And when I put him down, he starts to whine about it. And you say to me, "oh poor guy, you need to keep carrying him a little bit further". No, Mark, HE needs to start walking on his own two feet .. I am exhausted.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

MsLady said:


> I respectfully disagree with you, Mark, and resent your persistence on putting the blame on me.


Forgive me, I did not mean to offend. It's just sad to see a good sex life go begging due to nothing more than two people bouncing off each other's sharp edges.



MsLady said:


> but you fail to acknowledge that in order for that to happen, he'd have to try ... at least just a little. He doesn't and that is not my fault.


With the right approach, you could cause him to do the right thing for you, and all would be hunky dory.

I do appreciate your pain, and his also.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

MsLady said:


> You should understand that the woman that is describing her marriage today is one that is at very end of many years of frustration. I didn't start out this bitter.
> 
> He has worn me out ... and you focus on me still finding the energy to "help him be his best". Mark, at what point do I expect that the man will put a little bit of effort into this. I feel like I've been running a marathon for 5 years dragging him along on my shoulders. And when I put him down, he starts to whine about it. And you say to me, "oh poor guy, you need to keep carrying him a little bit further". No, Mark, HE needs to start walking on his own two feet .. I am exhausted.


OK, I hear you. And you are correct. So I'll come clean with you. His pride is so strong, that he just can't respond to your current approach. But if you were crafty - divinely devious - as my grandmother used to call it, you could have things on a different footing within 2-4 weeks. Maybe sooner.


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

could it be that your husbands unsure on what you want from him?
Maybe a simply game of taking turns to explore each other could help..and you need to be vocal when he hits the spot gentle moaning and god that feels good ...lets him know that hes doing something right.. its also good to tell him i love it when you do ..... it really turns me on and your so goood at it. 
go buy loads of massarge oils and relax and have fun


----------



## lostluv (May 12, 2008)

I agree with MsLady. It is very difficult to feel that you are the one carrying the majority of the sexual responsabilities and reaping a minority of the benefits. 

Even when I have tried to "walk or lead" my H through what I would concider an enjoyable experience it is so energy consuming to "teach" that I do not get the pleasure I am hoping for. Instead often it turns into a phenominal experience for him, which he does thank me for, and I am left with that smile that is more of a grimace and wondering what went wrong...


----------



## marlborolights (Jan 21, 2009)

My god...what is with your husband?
I also respectfully disagree with MT. It doesnt sound like it was ever a good sex life to start with...again I have only read a couple of your posts. I dont feel like youre asking him to swing from the chandeliers or do something outrageous, youre just asking for an orgasm? You're asking for your given RIGHT by god as a woman and as a WIFE to just have one stinkin orgasm and from what im reading it doesnt even sound like he's TRYING? That is selfish on so many levels. If I were you I would feel the same. I wouldnt be just sexually frustrated, but I would feel neglected, unloved, and unimportant in all aspects when it came to this man. My ex husband was exactly the same but worse, wasnt even nice out of bed. He would hump my leg in bed and that was about it.
Im sorry but you have told the man what you want som any times, and tried every way possible that I know of to get through to him and he KNOWS youre not being satisfied and he's not even trying. I'm with the above poster, quit having sex with him. Show him this post and see what we're saying about him! Give me his number and let me rip him a new one! That's just so selfish....
And I would have been broken hearted too. I dont know if your suggestion to him was a love test or not, maybe it was on some level, but he did fail it. But I agree with MT in the fact that this man might have a lot of pride and the fact that he isn ot giving you orgasms might be making him feel bad about himself and retaliate against you.
Dont jump to conclusions though....when you made that suggestion and he agreed, who knows? You dont know what is in his head. Maybe he was thinking to himself...."Wow...I really do suck so bad in bed that she doesnt even want to try to have sex with me anymore. I am THAT awful in bed. whats wrong with me?" He could have been the brokenhearted one for all we know. (NOT NOT NOT that I think he is the one entightled to be). Im sure it felf like when he agreed he didnt care...maybe he was shocked, hurt, embarrassed, ashamed, didnt know what to say, and just agreed. I think he does love you and care about you because you say in other aspects he is a very loving husband. But he needs training.
I told my ex once that he was WORSE than someone who sucked in bed. Someone who sucks in bed cos they dont know what to do or where to touch or is just plain dumb at least has a reason and it can be taught over time. I told him someone who sucked in bed was BETTER than him cos he CHOSE TO SUCK in bed.
Is there any way he would talk to someone about this? I feel like he has this idea in his head that women dont need sex/orgasms as much as men do and its no big deal if they dont have one.
Im sure he is a nice guy...give him some time sweetie, i dont think he meant to agree to your business sex, but probably was embarrassed and didnt know what to say. But he does NEED to satisfy his wife. What he is doing isnt right.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

marlborolights said:


> I also respectfully disagree with MT.


Look, I'll come clean. Sometimes it necessary to be crafty to get certain men to do what you want. You have to really find out how men tick, how *these* men tick.

All I can say is, do you think men find women any simpler?


----------



## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

> Even when I have tried to "walk or lead" my H through what I would concider an enjoyable experience it is so energy consuming to "teach" that I do not get the pleasure I am hoping for. Instead often it turns into a phenominal experience for him, which he does thank me for, and I am left with that smile that is more of a grimace and wondering what went wrong...


This is it exactly!



> I dont feel like youre asking him to swing from the chandeliers or do something outrageous, youre just asking for an orgasm?


Yes, it's that simple. I'd like an orgasm when we have sex.



> and from what im reading it doesnt even sound like he's TRYING?


Nope, not trying at all. Not even seemingly aware that I may possibly want to come or that it matters in any way if I do or don't. It's bizarre, because, yes, he's really nice outside the bedroom AND I've expressed my needs to him.



> I'm with the above poster, quit having sex with him.


Then we would never have sex. The longest we went was 1.5 years when I had our first child and was nursing. My libido was very low so I never initiated ... and he never initiated ... and it never happened. He seems very happy to self-stimulate. To be fair, that was a difficult time as new parents and I think his libido was as shot as mine from the exhaustion. He does initiate at other times, but not very frequently. He has even acknowledged that it's easier for him to take care of himself than to deal with the "work" involved in trying to give me an orgasm during sex. When we do have sex, he goes the easy route (kiss a minute, hump my leg, get inside and go for his pleasure).



> Give me his number and let me rip him a new one!


:rofl: Now this one made me laugh!!! That would be hilarious.



> But I agree with MT in the fact that this man might have a lot of pride and the fact that he isn ot giving you orgasms might be making him feel bad about himself and retaliate against you.


Actually, I do agree with this. Have to apologize to MT because I didn't quite get it the way he phrased it, but phrased this way, it does make sense. And, yet, there's a point at which he has to work on himself. I can't fix him and all his issues.



> Someone who sucks in bed cos they dont know what to do or where to touch or is just plain dumb at least has a reason and it can be taught over time. I told him someone who sucked in bed was BETTER than him cos he CHOSE TO SUCK in bed.


We just had a conversation about this - in a much, much gentler way . I told him that, while we can fix issues of technique and positioning and all that, it's his lack of desire to please me that is the real problem. We had a nice talk two nights ago where we both expressed ourselves. He apologized a ton for being a neglectful husband (sexually) and said he heard what I told him and saw the truth in it. He promised (again) to try to think about my pleasure and I'm waiting to see what comes of it. Well, not waiting. I'm getting the "Better Sex" videos and some new toys in the hopes of making sure that he knows I'm putting effort and faith into this thing (again). We've been down this road many, many times before. 



> Is there any way he would talk to someone about this? I feel like he has this idea in his head that women dont need sex/orgasms as much as men do and its no big deal if they dont have one.


Yes, he does seem to have this idea. Along with being very insecure sexually and having many hang-ups. He has said many times that maybe he should go get some help and I've said I think that would be good. But nothing has come of it.



> Look, I'll come clean. Sometimes it necessary to be crafty to get certain men to do what you want. You have to really find out how men tick, how these men tick.


I agree with you, Mark. I really do. I guess the problem is that you are assuming that I haven't been crafty or done the right thing to get what I want. Obviously, I haven't since I don't have it. But I have done what is in most women's arsenal to do. I could give you a long list: getting porn, toys, writing erotic poems to him, sharing fantasies, sexy music, getting books on sex that we read together, being encouraging and supportive in the bedroom, showing him what things I like (by demonstrating on him and by letting him watch me do it to myself), taking the reigns, other times being passive and letting him be in control, honest but loving talks in and out of the bedroom, even faking it sometimes in the hopes that his confidence will increase.

I am not someone who is uncomfortable being honest with myself about my shortcomings - and I have plenty of them - but I really do feel confident that I have been "crafty" with him and that I have done many things right (not all things, of course). In many ways, it really has been as simple as him not getting it that sexual release matters to a woman also and not showing me that he's trying or that he cares about that. He's not the first person I've been with, so I know what my body can do and what it takes to have that happen (it's not rocket science). I also have had bad lovers before and, while that's not ideal, the same kind of resentment does not build when you know the person at least cares and is trying (and slowly learning).

I'm hoping that our recent talk (after the "business sex" conversation that went so badly) will really improve things. It went well and he seemed to hear me and acknowledged that many of the things that I said rung true to him. I just hope that, like in the past, he doesn't decide to look the other way because it's easier for him to do that emotionally ... he has trouble handling difficult situations and sometimes he just decides to bury himself in his work or hobbies and pretend that nothing has been said.

thank you all for your support ... it helps me so much to put things into words and to hear other people's perspective. And, Mark, I'm not dismissing what you are saying - I am continuing to think about it as I don't want to neglect to look at every angle and possibility.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

MsLady-

You seem to have got his attention.

As you know I practise semen retention. Women should learn about the power of ejaculation, and the power of postponing it. Once a man has cum, he is generally lazy and good for nothing! Conversely, just before he cums he gets very enthusiastic about life!

You need him to take care of you first. It does not matter if his erection comes or goes, his fingers do not need to be erect.

Are you willing to describe how sex normally goes from before your clothes come of to afterwards. Then I can suggest a few tweaks.


----------

