# He wants to move out



## JessicaA (May 8, 2017)

Hi, I posted a few weeks back about the fact my husband and I no longer have sex, he's been on anti depressants for a while but the issue started before that, the meds just made it worse. After I posted, and after all the advice, I decided I just needed to take a moment before commencing another conversation with my hubby. I just needed us to have some time together that was nice, no pressure, to get us to a stage of being good around each other given we have fought about this issue so much and in reality we have minimal time together (he works away Monday to Friday) so I wanted to make the best out of time together before embarking on another serious convo.

Cut to this weekend, I woke up feeling so sad and bereft, a sense that this won't improve and I reflected on how much I've 'left' our relationship, I don't wanna plan anything for example because it's just another reminder that a weekend away e.g. will be without sex and a reminder of what we no longer have which just leaves me feeling so sad and depressed.

Last night my husband began to apologise about the sex, said he understood the emotional impact, asked me to bear with him. He then said the issue began before the meds in that when he ejaculated it was more like liquid (he said minimal, like urine, not the usual, if that makes sense) and not painful but not pleasurable. I didn't react the best way at all, I know he wanted support and empathy but my head was all over the place, I'd been ruminating for 2 days, it just felt too little too late and we had an argument. I apologised profusely but safe to say we didn't have the best night. The gist of what I said was why was he saying this now, how could he talk about his mental health with his doctor and not the key issue that I've been saying is one for all this time. I could have handled it better, I didn't, I'm not proud, I was just hurt and angry and I did try to make it better.

He has just sent me a message saying he's going to move out, that things aren't going to get better for either of us, that he wants to stop taking the meds (not immediately, gradually) and stop drinking so much at weekends. He's not an alcoholic by the way and we both only drink at weekends but he shouldn't be drinking on these meds, he's self medicating really and to be honest so am I, I know I've become depressed.

His message to be fair is everything I've been thinking in terms of how we resolve this - or if we decide it's over. But I'm in shock, I haven't replied, I don't even know what I'm asking for in terms of writing here but just needed to share.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Did you guys go to a therapist? Is he willing to go to a therapist? Is he ashamed? Did he tell his GP?


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

JessicaA said:


> Hi, I posted a few weeks back about the fact my husband and I no longer have sex, he's been on anti depressants for a while but the issue started before that, the meds just made it worse. After I posted, and after all the advice, I decided I just needed to take a moment before commencing another conversation with my hubby. I just needed us to have some time together that was nice, no pressure, to get us to a stage of being good around each other given we have fought about this issue so much and in reality we have minimal time together (he works away Monday to Friday) so I wanted to make the best out of time together before embarking on another serious convo.
> 
> Cut to this weekend, I woke up feeling so sad and bereft, a sense that this won't improve and I reflected on how much I've 'left' our relationship, I don't wanna plan anything for example because it's just another reminder that a weekend away e.g. will be without sex and a reminder of what we no longer have which just leaves me feeling so sad and depressed.
> 
> ...




I'm sorry that sucks. Maybe ask him to stay and that he should make a doctors appointment. There is something wrong. What he is explaining is not what should be happening and he needs to get checked. F he's on anti depressants and drinking to self medicate, try different meds. I've been on several before finding the right one for me. It's trial and error unfortunately. I'm glad he opened up for u, I'm sorry u melted down. Sit down and talk about it, apologize and ask him to stay if u want him to. Personally with a diagnosis from the dr, treatment for whatever the problem is and some counseling u may pull through this!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

You need to investigate an affair. The fact that he is away from you M-F and that he's told you he wants to move out without working on the marriage is a huge red flag that there is a possible affair, emotional or physical. Do not ask him if he's involved with someone else, just be as pleasant as possible while you investigate. Think about any possible co-workers or recreational partners that he could be involved with. 

You can't do anything to fix the marriage until you have intel. MC would be a waste of time either way IMO, since they are only successful at saving marriages 17% of the time, according to Marriage Builders, but it would be a complete waste of time if he's having an affair. I'd check out Marriage Builders and ask them for advice in this situation, which they've seen thousands of times.


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## JessicaA (May 8, 2017)

He's definitely not having an affair. Aside from the fact I know him and know it is one thing he would never do, yes he works away M-F but he's driving for 15 hours, he's not socialising or remotely coming close to being with another woman. I know this, I don't need to ask him, he's not having an affair, honest.


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## JessicaA (May 8, 2017)

Remee81 said:


> I'm sorry that sucks. Maybe ask him to stay and that he should make a doctors appointment. There is something wrong. What he is explaining is not what should be happening and he needs to get checked. F he's on anti depressants and drinking to self medicate, try different meds. I've been on several before finding the right one for me. It's trial and error unfortunately. I'm glad he opened up for u, I'm sorry u melted down. Sit down and talk about it, apologize and ask him to stay if u want him to. Personally with a diagnosis from the dr, treatment for whatever the problem is and some counseling u may pull through this!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


He has recently been to the doctors again and they've made a referral to the mental health team, I personally don't think more drugs is the answer, whilst the sex issue began before his meds, they have a serious effect on him being able to actually have sex, they've numbed him, there is almost zero desire. I have realised in the last 48hours that the fact it began physical just completely stopped him addressing it. He can talk about his mental health with ease but he doesn't do physical health when it comes to taking your clothes off for examinations ... And he has clearly been thinking about it since it began. But right now I don't know where he's at, mentally or emotionally ....


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Just wondering how is he going to be living alone, I cannot see how that is going to improve his mental health?

I do not think you have exhausted all avenues in terms of medical assistance or therapy.

It might be worthwhile to take an in-house break to take the pressure off you both and off your marriage, just enjoy each others company, do things together with no expectations, be there for one another.

Someone has mentioned the possibility of an affair - this 
is a possibility you should not discount entirely.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

15 hrs of driving a day is a lot. little physical activity bad for your heart and mr willy. I know after 15hr of driving I feel like crap and if I had to do it everyday it would be horrible. maybe a local driving job with less hrs. 


maybe a career change would help. can he get retrained for something else? would he be up for a suggestion like that? there are programs out there for underemployed retraining.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I understand you are sad, Jessica. But I think it would be wise to respect his decision to move out. Both of you need to want the relationship for it to function optimally.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

JessicaA said:


> He's definitely not having an affair. Aside from the fact I know him and know it is one thing he would never do, yes he works away M-F but he's driving for 15 hours, he's not socialising or remotely coming close to being with another woman. I know this, I don't need to ask him, he's not having an affair, honest.


Please take a moment to reflect and realize the naïveté of this statement.

He may not be cheating. But please don't even begin to suggest that it's not worth ruling out.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> Please take a moment to reflect and realize the naïveté of this statement.
> 
> He may not be cheating. But please don't even begin to suggest that it's not worth ruling out.


What difference does it make if he is, far? 

He has made it clear he wants to move out. He is not suggesting working on the marriage.

Jessica, I think you can save yourself a lot of time and trouble by just taking him at his word, and accepting it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

JessicaA said:


> He's definitely not having an affair. Aside from the fact I know him and know it is one thing he would never do, yes he works away M-F but he's driving for 15 hours, he's not socialising or remotely coming close to being with another woman. I know this, I don't need to ask him, he's not having an affair, honest.


You do realize that there's a vast web of women available all over the country easily accessed by truck drivers for a quicky, right? Not saying your H has done it - how would we know? - but to say he can't be having sex because he's a truck driver is a bit of an oxymoron.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

jld said:


> What difference does it make if he is, far?
> 
> He has made it clear he wants to move out. He is not suggesting working on the marriage.
> 
> Jessica, I think you can save yourself a lot of time and trouble by just taking him at his word, and accepting it.


Because, as we tell most people who come here with a spouse moving out, FIRST CHECK to make sure they aren't moving out because of another person. Because, if they are, and you want to save the marriage, you must first remove that third person from the equation. And you can't do that if you won't even accept the possibility that there IS a third person, let alone find him/her.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

turnera said:


> Because, as we tell most people who come here with a spouse moving out, FIRST CHECK to make sure they aren't moving out because of another person. Because, if they are, and you want to save the marriage, you much first remove that third person from the equation. And you can't do that if you won't even accept the possibility that there IS a third person, let alone find him/her.


What is the point of "saving a marriage" that not both of them want?

To me it sounds like a power play. _"I want to stay married, so I am going to do everything in my power to keep you married to me."_

I guess I just don't have the energy for that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Here we go again.

The point is that a cheater is a drug addict. What do you do with drug addicts? You get them away from their crack so their head clears. I've seen quite a few cheaters who were 'removed' from their AP and, when the drug wears off, they thank their spouse for fighting for them and saving them from themselves.



> I guess I just don't have the energy for that.


You don't because your marriage is unique and UNLIKE nearly every marriage that has ever come across our doors so you've never HAD to consider this so you don't even know IF you would have the energy because you are complacent in your surety that you will never have to worry about it.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

turnera said:


> Here we go again.
> 
> The point is that a cheater is a drug addict. What do you do with drug addicts? You get them away from their crack so their head clears. I've seen quite a few cheaters who were 'removed' from their AP and, when the drug wears off, they thank their spouse for fighting for them and saving them from themselves.


I think this is a valid point. 

If you feel this might be going on, OP, and you are ready to take on this kind of responsibility for another person, it might work out great. He might thank you profusely for the rest of his life for saving him from himself.

But please realize and be prepared for the work it can be to save an addict from himself (if he is one). This kind of commitment is not for everyone. 

If I were in your shoes, I would just take him at his word and walk away from the relationship. I don't have what it takes to save a partner from himself. 

But that's just me. YMMV.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Cheating addicts are not like real drug addicts. They typically get over the AP within a couple years. It's not like he can never be around another woman for the rest of his life, like an alcoholic has to stay away from bars.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

turnera said:


> You don't because your marriage is unique and UNLIKE nearly every marriage that has ever come across our doors so you've never HAD to consider this so you don't even know IF you would have the energy because you are complacent in your surety that you will never have to worry about it.


Did not see this earlier. Only saw the first part of your post.

My marriage works for me, because it is dependent on my husband. He is the rock that our marriage, and family, is built on. 

I am not meant to be anyone's rock, turnera. Take my word for it.

And back to you, OP.


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## JessicaA (May 8, 2017)

Been a few posts since I last checked so my response so far:

I'm not suggesting truck drivers can't or don't have affairs, what I'm saying is this is not in his nature, at all, he's never done it and I believe he wouldn't. I also know his working day pretty well, his texts me where he is, his next job, we use the 360 app so I can know he's safe. As an example I checked constantly yesterday to see if he was on break, wondering when he'd next message, he was literally driving all day. And yes there are websites out there, I'm not suggesting it's impossible, I'm just saying it's not the issue. And don't get me wrong, my brother left his wife only 6 months ago and my first reaction was it's an affair (it wasn't) but that's based on details not relevant here. I'm just saying the circumstances are different.

As for the career change, there is no doubt his job has taken its toll, he wants out and we've been discussing for several months how he leaves what is a very well paid job, to do something that makes him happy.

I have left a detail out in that he was a drug addict, has not used (heroin) for 15years but he has been smoking cannabis a lot. He has told me today that he feels addicted, that he doesn't want to smoke weed any longer, it affects his functioning (I agree) and he's basically self medicating because all the meds did was take the edge off. And I'm with him on all of these issues, the long working hours, poor diet cos that's the life of a truck driver, self medicating etc but he seems to have come to a view incredibly rapidly that the only resolution is to move out.

He's been looking at house sharing he says and is going to go back to his home town. I've very rapidly come to the conclusion that he's gone and it's over, I just cannot understand how it got to this stage so quickly.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

jld said:


> What difference does it make if he is, far?
> 
> He has made it clear he wants to move out. He is not suggesting working on the marriage.
> 
> Jessica, I think you can save yourself a lot of time and trouble by just taking him at his word, and accepting it.


Because those who fail to learn from their life experience are doomed to repeat them.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

First, have him ask for a very thorough prostate exam. Yes, the meds are probably the main culprit along with an assist by lack of activity, but some of what he describes happens to men with prostate issues, too.

If he's smoking pot AND drinking, he is self medicating as his meds aren't working and he needs to see a mental health professional, not just a GP. Frankly, GPs are underqualified in this area.


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## JessicaA (May 8, 2017)

turnera said:


> Did you guys go to a therapist? Is he willing to go to a therapist? Is he ashamed? Did he tell his GP?


We haven't been to a therapist though it is something he wants to do, for him, I've encouraged him to go private rather than wait for a referral but at present he is waiting on seeing a psychiatrist. I would have no issue in seeing a therapist but I don't even know if that's a conversation ender at this point. He is immensely embarrassed by not being able to maintain an erection, climaxing differently etc, however it was only Sunday gone that he said physically he had noticed a difference in this prior to the meds. So the context of him sharing sexual diffficulties with his doctor has only been in relation to prescribed medication and the doctor was poor, dismissed him, he certainly did not tell the doctor the reality of how serious it had got in terms of our marriage.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

JessicaA said:


> Been a few posts since I last checked so my response so far:
> 
> I'm not suggesting truck drivers can't or don't have affairs, what I'm saying is this is not in his nature, at all, he's never done it and I believe he wouldn't. I also know his working day pretty well, his texts me where he is, his next job, we use the 360 app so I can know he's safe. As an example I checked constantly yesterday to see if he was on break, wondering when he'd next message, he was literally driving all day. And yes there are websites out there, I'm not suggesting it's impossible, I'm just saying it's not the issue. And don't get me wrong, my brother left his wife only 6 months ago and my first reaction was it's an affair (it wasn't) but that's based on details not relevant here. I'm just saying the circumstances are different.
> 
> ...


Really glad to read the bolded, OP. Much easier for you in the long term.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Realistically, he will go through changes in therapy and during med trial and error. He may not reach his normal for months, if not years. The marriage may be over anyways while he tries to get himself clean and on proper meds for his mental health.

No matter. He still needs to see a doctor regarding his physical ejaculation changes and difficulties. What he describes is actually a sign he has a physical problem unrelated to his meds and that needs to be addressed.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> Because those who fail to learn from their life experience are doomed to repeat them.


What do you think she has failed to learn, far?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

jld said:


> What do you think she has failed to learn, far?


Refusal to validate what is actually happening, and just accepting the relationship is over, gives her no tools to see early warning signs in her next relationship.

Cheating...walk-away...bored...just a plain *******...she needs to learn which it is because each will tell her something she needs to grow in herself. 

Growth and boundaries should be her primary concern at this point.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> Refusal to validate what is actually happening, and just accepting the relationship is over, gives her no tools to see early warning signs in her next relationship.
> 
> Cheating...walk-away...bored...just a plain *******...she needs to learn which it is because each will tell her something she needs to grow in herself.
> 
> Growth and boundaries should be her primary concern at this point.


So you feel she is obligated to find out why he is done? Even to the point of spying on him?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I think it behooves her to do so. I think it is smart to do so, for her OWN benefit. Not obligated, but smart.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

jld said:


> So you feel she is obligated to find out why he is done? Even to the point of spying on him?


"Obligated" is a loaded word. So is "spying", which could (and has been) a thread all its own.

I would not advocate for a VAR, but a thorough look at the cell phone bill would be in order, as would a look at any of his email or social media accounts to which she may be able to access.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> *Refusal to validate* what is actually happening, and just accepting the relationship is over, gives her no tools to see early warning signs in her next relationship.
> 
> Cheating...walk-away...bored...just a plain *******...*she needs to learn which it is* because each will tell her something she needs to grow in herself.
> 
> Growth and boundaries should be her primary concern at this point.


Do these not sound like you feel she is "obligated" to find out?

As for "spying," I do not see you telling her to request his permission to look at his phone or his computer accounts. Without his permission, and unknown to him, how can it be considered anything other than spying?

I understand that there is an ongoing debate on TAM on the value and/or morality of exposure, spying, etc. in marriage. But I did not realize anyone might think that a person may be in any way *obligated* to do these things. That idea is new to me.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

jld said:


> Do these not sound like you feel she is "obligated" to find out?
> 
> As for "spying," I do not see you telling her to request his permission to look at his phone or his computer accounts. Without his permission, and unknown to him, how can it be considered anything other than spying?
> 
> I understand that there is an ongoing debate on TAM on the value and/or morality of exposure, spying, etc. in marriage. But I did not realize anyone might think that a person may be in any way *obligated* to do these things. That idea is new to me.


I guess you could use that word...potato, potahto. In so doing, I think it is important to note that the only person she is obligated(or whatever adjective one uses) to is herself.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> I guess you could use that word...potato, potahto. In so doing, I think it is important to note that the only person she is obligated(or whatever adjective one uses) to is herself.


And we disagree on what she owes herself?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

jld said:


> And we disagree on what she owes herself?


Lol, yes, I think that sums it up nicely.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

jld said:


> But I did not realize anyone might think that a person may be in any way *obligated* to do these things. That idea is new to me.


This is semantics. As usual. This is an advice forum. Posters are giving ADVICE on how to fix things. So yes, if she wants happiness, she 'should' do A, B, or C. She doesn't want to? No skin off our noses.


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