# stay with her or not??



## rep (Jun 11, 2012)

Ive been dating a girl for 2.5 years and we both met while separated. Her ex is a cop and has the attitude to go with it. Him and I have butted heads a few times and she always defends his feelings over mine and recently Ive put my foot down.
She called me crying bc they were arguing over tax money stuff,,so I texted him and was extremely polite and asked if we could have coffee and talk and try to get along. He sends a message to me saying that his phone is "Polic issued" and for profeesional use only or I could get into trouble. Ofcourse he uses this phone to call her and everyone else. I told her that I felt she should take up for me and tell him that if the phone is for police busness only, then he cant call her on it.
She refuses which now I feel like Im always 2nd and it sucks. I love her very much and have broken up but she loves me but we always argue about that when other things come up. Bc she seems to take up for his feelings it has become hard during the relationship to care deeply about her,,,,but when I break it off,,I miss her sooo much.
What to do???


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

She sounds really damaged.
Was he abusive to her?
Sounds like it to me and you can't fix her so sadly you have to move on.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Drop her. Women are like buses, another one will be along in five minutes.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Dump her.

You aren't her priority and no one needs the drama.

There should be no need for you to ever contact her ex for any reason.Don't do it again.

If she can't maintain her relationship with you because she cannot understand where her Ex belongs in her life then she's not fit for a relationship.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

She is playing you. There are many women who will not play stupid games like this immature mess you are involved with.

She doesn't really love you. If she did, then FULL commitment would not be a problem for her.

Expect more from a potential mate and yourself.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> She is playing you. There are many women who will not play stupid games like this immature mess you are involved with.
> 
> She doesn't really love you. If she did, then FULL commitment would not be a problem for her.
> 
> Expect more from a potential mate and yourself.


This^^^ and get the book 
The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011: Athol Kay: 9781460981733: Amazon.com: Books


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

You've been dating for 2 1/2 years and she's still arguing w/ her ex over tax stuff...? What, specifically, is it that they're arguing about...? Tax credits for any kids?

Either way, if you're #2, Plan B, or whatever to her, just drop her. No one deserves to be second in his/her SO's heart, regardless of any "love".


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I disagree with the others, I think you should have stayed out of their issue in the first place. You created a situation (did you really think her ex wants to have coffee with her new boyfriend?) and then want your girlfriend to get back at him for you. I wouldn't do it either. 
Now if he had started bad mouthing you to her or told her to tell you to stop texting him then she is in the middle and has to stand on your side but this was your battle that you made so she shouldn't be pulled into it IMO. 

There's a difference between standing up for someone when necessary and creating drama where there didn't need to be some. Since they seem to have to be in some kind of contact for taxes (kids?) it's best to keep things as civil as possible.


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## rep (Jun 11, 2012)

I understand but don't you think that you take up for your man, regardless if he is right or wrong,, maybe not all the time but when it comes to another man??


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

rep said:


> I understand but don't you think that you take up for your man, regardless if he is right or wrong,, maybe not all the time but when it comes to another man??


If my man got himself into a battle with another man I wouldn't go in and fight it for him and I'd hope he wouldn't expect me to. If he was wrong I would tell him how I felt and tell him that it was unreasonable to expect me to put myself in an uncomfortable position for it. I wouldn't side with the ex either, my stance would be to not side with either of them.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Ummm, she has a relationship with her ex? That alone should be enough for you to not even get involved to begin with. You are also thinking with your heart.....possibly your private parts. Think with your brain, and your brain should tell you to run as far away from this woman as possible.

Red flags galore here:

a) she got involved with you while they were separated. This mean she didn't take time to heal and be ready for another partner. 

Not smart

b) relationship with ex

not smart for her and you to accept it. Also CLEARLY she is not over him, if she was, she wouldn't be talking to him or having ANY kind of a relationship.

c) runs off to ex when you fight

not smart

You putting up with any of it = not smart

You see where this is going? Even though you might love her, dump her and start healing. It might take few months but once you are done healing you will look back and kick yourself in the head for even considering this relationship.

Once you are ready (it might take few months) find someone with no baggage/drama or ex.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

When one is dating - one can decide 

what kinds of things they will choose in a potential mate

so - since I can decide, I choose to not date people who have issues with their ex

especially when their ex is a cop who could create a lot of drama and problems and other issues for me

The best predictor of future behavior is past/present behavior

so, she is already choosing her ex over you
and she has some mental issues and drama that you don't really care for

I'd say cut your losses and move on along in your quest for a more stable potential mate who doesn't have issues that would be deal breakers for ya

Good luick


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

rep said:


> I understand but don't you think that you take up for your man, regardless if he is right or wrong,, maybe not all the time but when it comes to another man??


Are you a man or Woody Allen? Notice how his "son" with Mia Farrow is the spitting image of Frank Sinatra (Farrow's ex)? Get rid of her before you turn into Woody Allen.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

DoF said:


> Ummm, she has a relationship with her ex? That alone should be enough for you to not even get involved to begin with.


They have a child together, they have to have contact. 

I read some back posts to see if there was a child or not and I`m wondering if this issue is an old one or if it happened again 

From 07-28-2013
_He always acts like I don't exist, so I sent him a text saying I thought we should have coffee and chat. He had the captain of his barracks send me a message that his phone is Police properly and to never contact him again. _

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/life-after-divorce/103106-how-girlfriend-deals-ex-husband.html

I would stop contacting the ex to try to talk with him, it's not your place. It's better for the kids if they can have an easy and drama free relationship and it's not going to help if you keep getting involved.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> They have a child together, they have to have contact.
> 
> I read some back posts to see if there was a child or not and I`m wondering if this issue is an old one or if it happened again
> 
> ...


Exactly. Stop contacting her as well.

She is the one that was complaining about her sh!t with her ex to her now BF. He, unwisely, tried to help.

This woman has far too much baggage to be a mate for you. She needs to clean up her mess and then see who she can attract.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

too much baggage!

it will only get worse.

the older you get the less men and more women. so it get easier for men to find a girlfriend.

patience grasshopper patience


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Look. It's obvious that she's not over this guy yet and until that happens, this will be a bumpy ride for you. 

IMO, tell her that you tried your best with her but until she finally gets a grip and gets over her ex, then the relationship can't go any further. 

Then it's up to her to sink or swim and if I were you, I would find a woman with less baggage.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> They have a child together, they have to have contact.


Ok, that changes things. In that case, this is ok.

How about the other red flags?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

DoF said:


> Ok, that changes things. In that case, this is ok.
> 
> How about the other red flags?


These ones 


_a) she got involved with you while they were separated. This mean she didn't take time to heal and be ready for another partner. 

and 

c) runs off to ex when you fight_

They both got together while separated (_and we both met while separated_)

and I've read it a few times and can't find where she runs off to her ex. Can you point that out?


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

She has a Child with the Cop who isn't yet her ex as their divorce isn't completed yet

This is your warning as to how the rest of the relationship might (probably will) go

She is tied to the Ex-Cop Father of her Child FOREVER
there will be drama - sad but true
There will be contact between her and him period
Whether she is over him or not

She hasn't had time to even figure out or own her portion of the demise of her marriage let alone the long term ramifications of divorce for herself and her kid

If the little hairs on the back of your neck are sticking up
that is the little whisper saying hmmmm is this really what I bargained for, Is this really what I want, is this really what I even have to deal with

Anyway - you decide what you want
But Dude, this is just a tiny little snippet of life
If you have questions and concerns now

I would cut the line and let the fish have the bait instead of possibly losing your rod and reel 
(fishing analogy)


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> These ones
> 
> 
> _a) she got involved with you while they were separated. This mean she didn't take time to heal and be ready for another partner.
> ...


Separated does not = divorced

She is still married to him



SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> and I've read it a few times and can't find where she runs off to her ex. Can you point that out?


When she goes to him and spills details of her relationship with OP.......clearly she still has deeper relationship with him than just ex/kids father.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

DoF said:


> When she goes to him and spills details of her relationship with OP.......clearly she still has deeper relationship with him than just ex/kids father.



Can you quote where he said this? I still can't find it. All I saw was when she went to him (the OP) to cry about a tax issue with her ex. 


And my point was not that she wasn't separated, it was that he was too. They were in the same place in their lives so she isn't the only one with the red flag there.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No, don't stay with her. Too much drama. Why contact her ex? That wasn't your business -- it's hers.


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## rep (Jun 11, 2012)

I really appreciate the help. She is over him, they had a strange "brother-like" marriage, hardly ever had sex. He is a closed person and he is knda a bully. She wants to get along with him and doesn't like confrontation with him,,, but I think that if my ex-wife treatd her like he treated me,,I would go "ape-****" on my ex and protect her.


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## rep (Jun 11, 2012)

Also, I cant ignore my feelings,,nobody out there is without issues. She is a good person and she def protects her relationship with her ex in a OCD kinda behavior. She always says that a boyfriend might come and go but he is the childs father and he will give her money and such if needed but she feels that she needs to "baby" him to some degree


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

Hey guy,

Why would you take any of this woman's time when clearly she will need to tend to a child from a broken home?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Machiavelli said:


> Are you a man or Woody Allen? Notice how his "son" with Mia Farrow is the spitting image of Frank Sinatra (Farrow's ex)? Get rid of her before you turn into Woody Allen.


This would literally be the worst thing ever.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> This would literally be the worst thing ever.


It's probably too late. I hope OP can play a hot jazz clarinet.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

rep said:


> Also, I cant ignore my feelings,,nobody out there is without issues. She is a good person and she def protects her relationship with her ex in a OCD kinda behavior. She always says that a boyfriend might come and go but he is the childs father and he will give her money and such if needed but she feels that she needs to "baby" him to some degree


If that doesn't tell you that you are #2 then nothing will.

Why have you such little respect for yourself?

Do you think you can't get a woman who respects you?
Who makes you a priority in her life?

Dude you need to read ....

MMSL


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> This would literally be the worst thing ever.


Yes!
:iagree:


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

rep said:


> I really appreciate the help. She is over him, they had a strange "brother-like" marriage, hardly ever had sex. He is a closed person and he is knda a bully. She wants to get along with him and doesn't like confrontation with him,,, but I think that if my ex-wife treatd her like he treated me,,I would go "ape-****" on my ex and protect her.


You've already made up your mind then.

Good luck to you sir.

I don't believe the "brother-like" marriage in the slightest. blech
Um they made a kid, she did have sex with him.


AND - ya know - LOTS and LOTS of people tell the person they are with now (as in the AP or the New BF/GF) that they never had sex or rarely had sex or whatever.....most often it isn't the slightest bit true 

And where there is anger and "bully-like" behavior - kinda equates to passion

Anyway - I could tell you horror stories about dating a Cops Ex. But you clearly already have decided that you wanna stick by her and are willing to deal with the drama.
If you want to stay alive, you might want to not have any contact with the Cop. He already has his buddies/other cops workin it for him by telling you it is only for business use phone

anyway - Good Luck

Let us know how things work out 6 months from now
I would be very interested to know


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Machiavelli said:


> Women are like buses, another one will be along in five minutes.


Are they really? Words. They are important because they direct thoughts. 

This is the sort of background noise that women hear constantly from some men, even their own husbands. If the husband doesn't say it, at lest he gets a good laugh. 

Dismissive insults role off the tongue with no conscious realization what that they reveal about what men really feel about women. This is within hearing of wives, daughters, and women in general. 

It's hard to understand why men find it hard to have empathy for their wives who are dismissive of their needs and feelings. Do they listen at all to the jokes, digs and insults? 

The theme is always the same - women are not human they are interchangeable, void parts that are good for a temporary ride and waiting on a shelf to take for a test ride by any man who graces her with his attention. 

What was that bull sh!t you were saying about emotional connection, love and sex again?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> You've been dating for 2 1/2 years and she's still arguing w/ her ex over tax stuff...? What, specifically, is it that they're arguing about...? Tax credits for any kids?
> 
> Either way, if you're #2, Plan B, or whatever to her, just drop her. No one deserves to be second in his/her SO's heart, regardless of any "love".


Agreed this doesn't seem normal. Seem like you are getting in the way of their drama dance


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

You are way to in the know about this guy. I have dated my GF a year now and know little of her x who is the father or her son.. And I don't want to know. If she was going on and on about him we wouldn't be together. In my opinion you are way to involved with this.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> Are they really? Words. They are important because they direct thoughts.
> 
> This is the sort of background noise that women hear constantly from some men, even their own husbands. If the husband doesn't say it, at lest he gets a good laugh.
> 
> ...


There are always women lined up for a good man. Even a good beta/delta man, since a fair number of women are always ready to "settle," at least temporarily, after getting tired of alpha BS, or because their alpha spawn need a beta-provider. So, there is no reason for any man to suffer from the embarrassment of "oneitis" over an unworthy woman; another woman, probably better, will be along soon. 

Why do you consider that factual statement about women and buses to be an insult?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

rep said:


> She wants to get along with him and doesn't like confrontation with him,,, but I think that if my ex-wife treatd her like he treated me,,I would go "ape-****" on my ex and protect her.


Going crazy on her ex is not what's best for her kid.
Whether people think it's too much baggage or not, she has an obligation to her child and their father to keep as peaceful a relationship as possible. That in itself doesn't make someone unworthy of a relationship (even though many seem to think it does) but if you can't deal with it then you need to realize that and move on, find someone who is not a single Mother. 


She was put into an impossible situation. Not side with you and she's horrible for not putting you first, or side with you and her ex happens to come along saying "My ex wife cut off contact with me - which is essential to my parenting my child and dealing with our financial situation- because I wouldn't have coffee with her boyfriend" and again, she's horrible. Not to mention could be taken to court or have other consequences. 

It's hard enough to be a divorced parent without having to cater to everyone's boy/girlfriends. Shouldn't the best action be whichever one is best for the child?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

If she was smart, she would've been doing that all along (positive communication).

The problem is, she has a deeper relationship than just that for a kid. She discusses her new relationship issues etc with her ex.

As far as I'm concerned, if their relationship is ANYTHING beyond "child related"......it is a good indicator that there is more to their relationship than ANY man would like it to be.

"how was the kid" or " did he do a,b,c"......etc is fine

Any kind of friendship like, hanging out with ex or talking about anything other than child = RED FLAGS


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> This would literally be the worst thing ever.


To be clear, I wasn't referring to the potential for cuckoldry. I was referring to the possibility that he could become -- in any sense -- Woody Allen.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

DoF said:


> She discusses her new relationship issues etc with her ex.


So I'll ask again, can you please quote where he wrote this? Maybe I'm just missing a post somewhere but I can not find what you are talking about.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Some examples.....



rep said:


> *she always defends his feelings *over mine





rep said:


> Ofcourse he uses this *phone to call her* and everyone else. I told her that *I felt she should take up for me*





rep said:


> She refuses which now I feel like Im always 2nd and it sucks.





rep said:


> I love her very much and have broken up but she loves me but we always argue about that when other things come up.* Bc she seems to take up for his feelings* it has become hard during the relationship


All of these point to deeper than "child/parenting" relationship.

That's the feeling I get from it all, anyways (I could be wrong).


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

DoF said:


> All of these point to deeper than "child/parenting" relationship.


None of those say she runs off to tell her ex about problems in her relationship so where did you get that from?

ETA- just saw you added that it's just your feeling.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> None of those say she runs off to tell her ex about problems in her relationship so where did you get that from?
> 
> ETA- just saw you added that it's just your feeling.


Correct, nothing says exactly that. But the things that OP said indicate much deeper relationship than just "parenting/child" type.

You are correct.

And again, this is just my feeling about the situation. Clearly SOMETHING is making OP feel like he is #2 vs #1.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

DoF said:


> Correct, nothing says exactly that. But the things that OP said indicate much deeper relationship than just "parenting/child" type.
> 
> You are correct.
> 
> And again, this is just my feeling about the situation. Clearly SOMETHING is making OP feel like he is #2 vs #1.


and yet you are ready to condemn her because you think there must be something more. 

People typically use the best examples of the behaviour they are concerned about when they are posting, yes? They don't typically make a post about how they feel unloved because of this and that minor thing and then add many pages later that oh ya, she also beat my cat to death with a hammer. 

He used this specific dinner invite/police phone example twice now, wouldn't he have also said if he had an issue with her running to him about relationship issues? 

What I gather is that he wants her to defend him against her ex, like he would if it was his ex. That's what I am using to respond.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I'm not disagreeing with you Slowly. 

I think you are taking my statements little to literally maybe? What I say is not a rule/fact etc. It's simply my opinion/feelings on the subject and it should be taken as such.

I just get the impression that OP's girl is way closer to her ex than him. Am I wrong? Possibly

Does it really matter? not really

I would definitely define boundary lines with her ex as an OP. Child/parenting relationship only (or something along the line).

There HAS to be a GOOD reason why OP feels like #2.....and trust him and assume that is true. Thus my statement you quoted.

He shouldn't feel like that. And chances are, SHE is making him feel like that.

:scratchhead:


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I don't know why OP got involved in the first place. Unless the girlfriend is very young, she can handle her own tax battle with an ex.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Something does not make sense.....you say you have been dating for 2 1/2 years, yet she is arguing tax stuff with her ex? Did the divorce just recently become final?

Do not get involved in dealing with her ex, let her handle it, all their stuff is between them and needs to be worked out between them. You get involved, you get blamed.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

AVR1962 said:


> *Something does not make sense.....you say you have been dating for 2 1/2 years, yet she is arguing tax stuff with her ex? Did the divorce just recently become final?*
> 
> Do not get involved in dealing with her ex, let her handle it, all their stuff is between them and needs to be worked out between them. You get involved, you get blamed.


This oddity is what I was alluding to in my initial post in this thread. It seems that their relationship began well before his GF's divorce. In fact, it sounds like they're not even divorced yet, which _technically_ makes OP an OM.

So, to OP... Dude, you boarded the train, get ready for the ride.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

He posted about this situation a while ago (in 2013) so I don't think the tax thing is recent. Also, he had mentioned that it is/was issues about who gets to claim the kid. 

In this thread 

_She has full custody, yet claims the kid on his taxes.
He always acts like I don't exist, so I sent him a text saying I thought we should have coffee and chat. He had the captain of his barracks send me a message that his phone is Police properly and to never contact him again._
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/life-after-divorce/103106-how-girlfriend-deals-ex-husband.html


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Machiavelli said:


> There are always women lined up for a good man. Even a good beta/delta man, since a fair number of women are always ready to "settle," at least temporarily, after getting tired of alpha BS, or because their alpha spawn need a beta-provider. So, there is no reason for any man to suffer from the embarrassment of "oneitis" over an unworthy woman; another woman, probably better, will be along soon.
> 
> Why do you consider that factual statement about women and buses to be an insult?


An insult? Not at all. Don't worry about that. Appreciate your concern though.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> Dismissive insults role off the tongue with no conscious realization what that they reveal about what men really feel about women.





Catherine602 said:


> An insult? Not at all. Don't worry about that. Appreciate your concern though.


So what insult are you referring to?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Mac 

My apologies but I'm not in the mood for a discussion with you tonight 

I may have an opening on Mon or Tues evening. Try posting on Mon and i'll see ........ or not.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sinnister said:


> I don't know why OP got involved in the first place. Unless the girlfriend is very young, she can handle her own tax battle with an ex.


:iagree:

He apparently misunderstood how this works. Woman gripes to her man about things that bother her. 

He thinks she wants him to fix it so he contacts the ex to 'fix it'.

She does not want him to fix anything 'cause she can handle this on her own. She just wants a shoulder to cry on from the OP... it's called giving emotional support.

rep... do not try to fix anything that a grown woman can fix for herself.. unless she directly asks you to.. and even then be careful.. put most problems back on her 'cause she's got to fix her own problems.

Just give her emotional support.

ETA: Oh, and her ex. Why on earth would he want to meet with your for any reason? I would not meet with my ex's girlfriend or now wife. I could care less about her.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

Rep, what the H are you doing with a married woman?!? Sure she is separated but gosh any fool knows this type of thing never works well. You poke your nose on their business, wow no boundaries. You are a fool.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

rep said:


> She always says that a boyfriend might come and go


 *YOU*



> but he is the childs father and he will give her money and such if needed but she feels that she needs to "baby" him to some degree


 *HIM*

So what are you finding difficult to understand.

SHE HAS COME OUT AND SAID THAT YOU AREN'T HER NUMBER 1 CONCERN. SHE'S TELLING YOU THAT YOUR FEELINGS AREN'T IMPORTANT BECAUSE...and I quote...."YOUR TYPE (not even you specifically, as in you're completely replaceable) will come and go...but he's with me forever."

Stop being mad at her for her DOING WHAT SHE HAS TOLD YOU. She's NEVER going to back you up in a fight between you and him. HE'S THE PRIORITY. HE'S #1. YOU'RE NOT!!!

You love her....I get it. But there's MUCH MORE to a relationship than love.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

It seems like she's taking you for granted and treating you like a back up plan. Her ex H has way too much power and influence over her. She's clearly not indifferent. 

I remember your other thread. I don't like his condescending attitude either. Why should you tolerate this? Go find someone else. No one should ever be second best!

When I was young way back in the day, and dating, I remember dating a guy just because he was really nice and kind, but I actually wanted someone else! 

You should find a woman who is totally into you.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

rep said:


> I understand but don't you think that you take up for your man, regardless if he is right or wrong,, maybe not all the time but when it comes to another man??


She needs not to do that when he is behaving like a *****.

You make all the wrong impressions here.


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## TurtleRun (Oct 18, 2013)

Overstepping bounds when talking to ex. That is her problem to deal with not yours. Let her vent and then you suggest ways for her to communicate with her ex without actually having her argue to him about it (mediation since it's such a pain in her butt). 

This part of their relationship should have been dealt with during her divorce so there shouldn't be any arguing.


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