# Trying to salvage my marriage



## Tricky978 (Apr 5, 2018)

Good evening, this is kind of going to be all over the place and long. I’m embarrassed to talk to my friends and family about this matter because i never thought I would be in this position. My wife and I have been together for 10 years, married for just about 4 years. We have a 7 year old, 4 year old and 1 year old. Our two oldest are a handful and my 1 year old was born with cardio diaphragmatic hernia and was not expected to survive. It was very stressful juggling a job, two kids and traveling to Boston childrens everyday after work but we made it work. Currently, I’m on the local police department working midnight to 8am and have been since last April. Last week my wife told me that she feels very lonely because we don’t sleep together (except my days off, 4 on and 2 off rotating schedule) and she says being this lonely is having her push me away. A little background is she was caught flirting with a guy about a month before our wedding, i was unhappy and expressed it and it continued so I got flirty with a girl from work to show her how I felt. Nothing between me and this girl ever happened nor did I want anything to happen as I was very happy with my wife. But then my wife was unfaithful a week before our wedding and did not come clean until about a month after. We worked things out and squared everything away and I put it in the past. We went on to have two other girls and then I started working midnights. I love my job, hate the sleep schedule. I went from sleeping 8+ hours during my old day job to sleeping 4-5 hours on midnights. A lot of the times my 4-5 hours is broken up and when I wake up to be with the fam I’m kind of grumpy because 1. It’s stressful being the only income (she is a 24 hour caregiver for the baby) and 2. It’s stressful functioning daily on 4-5 hours of sleep. My two oldest kids are animals, constantly fighting, arguing and disobeying us and my wife can ignore it but it drives me to my wits end because I’m trying to relax and can’t with all the screaming and hitting so I go and raise my voice to them and my wife doesn’t like how I can ignore it and believe me I try. But last night, I went outside after telling the girls to quiet down and ended up going for a walk. I came back and my wife and kids were gone. She had went to her parents because she said she needed space. She keeps saying she wants to save this and see a counselor but hasn’t done anything to make an appointment. We talked a little today and she said there’s just no spark left. Is there anything anyone can suggest to try and help save this. I don’t want to lose my family, being in law enforcement, I see the daily fights and custody issues between parents that are separated.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Sorry to hear Tricky. 
Know that you have one chance to save your marriage and you need to act quickly, or your wife will.

Understand that the desire (spark) in women is easily lost when the basic function of a relationship is not healthy.
In many ways women are (unknowingly) much more atune than us at sensing unhappiness.
Next thing to realise is that women have no issue ACTING on situations that are unsatisfactory (situations that seem OK to us) because their emotional stability is so much much more important to them than it is to us. 

It seems to me that your night shifts are having a large affect on your family at several levels.
Your kids aren't happy
Your wife physically misses you
You aren't getting good sleep
All of the above makes you unhappy
Which affects how you present
Which affects how your wife thinks about you.

The only solution I see is to tell your wife you understand how your current work arrangement is affecting the family and that you will change back to a day shift. Surely the police force would accommodate that.

Do it tomorrow - don't hesitate.

You also both seem quite immature. I suggest PC for both of you to learn more about yourself.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Tricky, you say you love your job.

Do you love it more than you love your marriage? If you keep this job, with the bad hours, and leaving your wife lonely, she will continue distancing herself to protect herself from the pain of missing you. She may distance herself so far, and feel so much resentment for your neglect that she will not love you at all. By then, it may be too late to win her back. All she will think of is all the years you didn't listen to her heart, her needs and by your absence neglected her.

I am not making this up. I am living it myself. If my husband ever gets a job that lets him be home every night, and at a decent hour, it may be too late for him, for us. I am not going to cheat, but my heart is growing cold, and I am not missing him anymore. I'm just angry he was gone for so long that I now sleep better alone than when he is beside me.

If you love your marriage more than your job, take action now, or you will not have a wife to come home to.


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## Tricky978 (Apr 5, 2018)

Yeah, definitely was acting mature then. As for now, yes I want to get a day job, problem is as for being low man on totem pole I can’t just switch shifts. Day shift is all the older guys. I currently run a small mobile detailing business that I have been doing for 4 years part time, not so much fulltime (winters in Mass makes it impossible). But yes I miss being home with her. I value my days off with her. And I told her I want to get off nights. So I’m praying she will understand I can’t just do it overnight as my bills won’t get paid and the people who are billing me don’t care if the situation.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Tricky, ask her to leave the kids with her parents and come and meet you for breakfast or lunch. Tell her you are putting all your cards on the table. Hands up and open. YOU thank her for being a hard working wife, etc (whatever you think is true/honest). Share with her the circumstances of the finances and the fact you must work like this to make ends meet. Ask her what you can do to help her feel loved). Also share with her you needs sleep, etc. Both of you can work on this together. A woman will be open to a man who is open with her.


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

Tricky978 said:


> But then my wife was unfaithful a week before our wedding and did not come clean until about a month after.


At this point in your marriage your wife showed you who she really was, you should have listened to her then and left. Cheaters often have the following traits, Narcissism, Deception, Jealousy, Needy, Flirty, Insercure, Thrill Seeking, Immoral. I’m sure you see many of these traits in your wife.

If you are working as the sole provider for this family than it is your wife’s duty and responsibility to keep the house running and to make sure the kids behave and are disciplined correctly. I raised my 4 kids as a stay at home mom and I never had to tell them once wait till your father gets home, the listened and obeyed me and when my husband got home from work the house was calm and well runner to insure that he got to spend quality time with the kids until they went to bed. Now having a sick child can’t be easy, but it is no way an excuse to neglect they other children and if they are not being properly raised and let to run wild than they are being neglected. 

Your wife sounds selfish. She is upset because of the hours you work. Does she think your are working the night shift cause you enjoy it, no i’m sure your working it cause it pays the bills. If there is any way at all that you can find a job during the day that will still support your family than I would recommend switching jobs as your wife’s concerns are real and as she probably is very needy of attention or maybe feeling overwhelmed . If a job can’t be found at this moment in no way do I feel you should take a job making less money and putting yourself in finacial trouble. That will open up different marriage problems.

Sit down with her and tell her how you feel about the stress of work and the kids behavior and how you miss spending time with her and then really listen to her and what she wants and needs. Try to come to a compromise on situations that are troubling your marriage. Make sure she realizes that you know her concerns are valid and that your are willing to make changes. If you truly are aggresive and angry with the children than that needs to stop. No woman is attracted or happy with a man that is not kind and patient with her children. Children are an extension of their mom and how you treat them is viewed to her as how you treat her. Maybe parenting classes or some parenting books might help with handling the children. Unruly kids put a lot of stress on a marriage so trying to fix that issue might be your first place to start. 

Her telling you that she thinks the spark is gone is a cope out statement. There is nothing stopping her from putting more spark back in your marriage, it can’t all be your responsibility. Bored people are usually just that, boring. Any married couple will tell you that it’s not all hot and heavy and candle light dinners with dancing every night of the week when you have small children, especially multiple children. Some parts of a marriage have to be put aside for the best of the family, not saying they should be completely stopped, but compromises need to be made, example where you may have had sex 7 time a week before kids, it may go down to 2 times a week with small children. Date nights might become a monthly things and not a weekly thing.

Make sure you keep your angry incheck and be willing to compromise and see her point of view, it can be stressful being home with 3 children all day and the added stress of having a sick child can not be easy. On saying that, being the sole provider and working crazy hours is and living on little sleep is not easy either so make sure your needs are being met too. Your both a part of this marriage and deserve to both get 50% of the benifites that come from being in a marriage.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

@drifting on


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Tricky

When your wife cheated how did you find out?

You say you worked through it, how? Counseling? Consequences? No contact with OM? Boundaries?

Why is their no spark? What did she say?

Kids control the House, sorry, but ignoring isn’t raising nor is yelling. Discipline your kids, claim your roles of parents back. This will Allie be a lot of your home stress. Oh, and by discipline I don’t mean abuse.

What was your life together like when dating? 

A lot of spark? 

Why did she flirt with another man? Still in contact with OM?


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## Tricky978 (Apr 5, 2018)

@drifting on

Tricky
When your wife cheated how did you find out?
I found out because after we got back from our honeymoon she was very distant. Always on her phone so when we got back, I suggested maybe the big change of being married was confusing her and I gave her space to let her “miss me”. So when we were out one night, she left her phone in my car and had run into rite aid and her phone was vibrating so as her husband I checked to see the number and saw it was from the guy i caught her flirting with. So I went through her texts and saw they were still talking pretty flirty so i confronted her and she came clean and admitted to having sex with him while I was at my bachelor party. 

You say you worked through it, how? Counseling? Consequences? No contact with OM? Boundaries? The reason she started flirting in the first place was feeling lonely. I worked a 8-4 job, but smoked cigars outback at night and she didn’t want to be around me while I smoked. I’m a 90s kid, grew up with video games and at 22, was still occasionally playing some PlayStation. We got through it by spending more time together, more cuddling and going for nice walks few nights a week. No counseling at the point and we promised eachother no talking to the flirty people we started talking to before. 

Why is their no spark? What did she say?
She tells me when she kisses me she doesn’t feel anything. We don’t like “make out” unless it’s during sex. We were having sex like 5-6 times a week. I have a very high sex drive, and now most on my days off. Usually two times a week. When we have sex she’s very wet so obviously she feels attracted to me somewhat?

Kids control the House, sorry, but ignoring isn’t raising nor is yelling. Discipline your kids, claim your roles of parents back. This will Allie be a lot of your home stress. Oh, and by discipline I don’t mean abuse.

I understand that, my 7 year old possibly has ADD. We haven’t had her tested but i have it and have adderall I take daily for it. My 4 year old screeches yells if one of her sisters use on of her toys. 

What was your life together like when dating? 
A lot of spark? 

Yes, a lot of spark. I was 19 and she was 18. I met my wife during the MySpace era. When all the guys and girls were practically naked in their profiles and hooked up with 5-6 girls over the summer. My wife (a virgin at the time) being one of them. But after about a month and a half with my wife of hanging out, we began an actual relationship. I ended up in a car accident and had no car and she lived 40 miles away so I was taking a bus and a train twice a day everyday to see her. So she really liked me and I liked her, her parents let me basically move in (she had a finished basement as her living area) so we had a lot of sex. 

Why did she flirt with another man? Still in contact with OM?

She flirted with another man because I didn’t pay attention as much as when we first started seeing eachother. When we first met, I worked at a liquor store 5 days a week, 5 hours a day. Then started working 8 hours from 1130am-8pm Home by 830. I would come home play with the baby watch tv with my wife and then when I put the baby down, jump on some PlayStation to play with my friends and shoot the ****. That was our way to hang out since they moved out of state or were stationed in other states. Not all, but most of my friends were. So I wasn’t dedicating all of my free time with her. She does not talk to the guy.


I felt from that point on we have been fine. I don’t know if it’s because this is our first year in our own place with our own bills and then at the same time, for the same past year I’m working overnight shifts. She just keeps telling me she can’t get over the past and I’m wondering if that’s because I’m not home at night with her. 

Today was my day off so we slept together last night, took my oldest to school today and I came home. Other two were sleeping and she was in the shower so i jumped in the shower with her and tried kissing her and she kissed me but said I don’t feel a spark when I kiss you. So I don’t know.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

I'm surprised you kept her after finding out she cheated on you right before your marriage... but now we are 2 children removed from that event.

You need to manage your house.. Kids should not be above you and unfortunately you shouldn't be relaxing unless things are in order, which they don't seem to be.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Tricky

So what were her consequences?

What did she change in herself?

What boundaries did you put in place? 

Did she go to counseling after her cheating?

My fear is that this was rug swept and nothing above that I asked happened. I’ve worked midnights myself, it is tough on a marriage and you personally.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

@Wolf1974


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Mark my words Tricky, the thrill is gone and you're history.


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## Tricky978 (Apr 5, 2018)

@drifting on There weren’t many consequences, she realized the mistake she mad after I took some time away from her. We talked about how if there was a problem with feeling lonely it needs to be communicated with me because we are a team. Without eachother we are nothing. We stayed together because we had a one year old, and we eventually got closer then we were before. We didn’t do counseling at the time because everything felt better. And now I’m worried about losing my best friend.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Tricky,

Just my two cents but for background I am a Sgt. in a major metropolitan department and have been doing this for 18 years. I have seen my share of midnights. Like you I was recently promoted and low on the totem pole So sent to mids, this is my second year. I’m older now and this hurts more lol

Here is what I can tell you. Law enforcement is hard on the individual and harder on the family. This isn’t getting any easier with the national rhetoric happening. Mids is a temporary thing with your career and this will pass eventually. You are the sole provider for your family so to my mind you wife should be doing all she can to help you get the rest you need. No matter what age you are 4-5hours of sleep isn’t enough long term. You are putting yourself, your colleagues, and the public In danger....you know this.

Your wife seems selfish. Cheated on you just before your wedding is about all I needed to see on that. Yes you also did an immature thing but the cheating that close to a wedding is ridiculous.

You both are going to need counseling, does your department have an EAP for that? then it would
Be free of charge. Before you do all that I would have a candid conversation with her about if she wants to be with you or not.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Araucaria said:


> Tricky, you say you love your job.
> 
> Do you love it more than you love your marriage? If you keep this job, with the bad hours, and leaving your wife lonely, she will continue distancing herself to protect herself from the pain of missing you. She may distance herself so far, and feel so much resentment for your neglect that she will not love you at all. By then, it may be too late to win her back. All she will think of is all the years you didn't listen to her heart, her needs and by your absence neglected her.
> 
> ...


Yeah, because his job made her cheat on him before the wedding and not come clean about it for a time after the wedding, right? And to flirt with another man?

Well, no. Because that was way before he got this job and so there must be another explanation for her cheating. Like, she just likes to do it?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Tricky978 said:


> Good evening, this is kind of going to be all over the place and long. I’m embarrassed to talk to my friends and family about this matter because i never thought I would be in this position. My wife and I have been together for 10 years, married for just about 4 years. We have a 7 year old, 4 year old and 1 year old. Our two oldest are a handful and my 1 year old was born with cardio diaphragmatic hernia and was not expected to survive. It was very stressful juggling a job, two kids and traveling to Boston childrens everyday after work but we made it work. Currently, I’m on the local police department working midnight to 8am and have been since last April. Last week my wife told me that she feels very lonely because we don’t sleep together (except my days off, 4 on and 2 off rotating schedule) and she says being this lonely is having her push me away. A little background is she was caught flirting with a guy about a month before our wedding, i was unhappy and expressed it and it continued so I got flirty with a girl from work to show her how I felt. Nothing between me and this girl ever happened nor did I want anything to happen as I was very happy with my wife. But then my wife was unfaithful a week before our wedding and did not come clean until about a month after. We worked things out and squared everything away and I put it in the past. We went on to have two other girls and then I started working midnights. I love my job, hate the sleep schedule. I went from sleeping 8+ hours during my old day job to sleeping 4-5 hours on midnights. A lot of the times my 4-5 hours is broken up and when I wake up to be with the fam I’m kind of grumpy because 1. It’s stressful being the only income (she is a 24 hour caregiver for the baby) and 2. It’s stressful functioning daily on 4-5 hours of sleep. My two oldest kids are animals, constantly fighting, arguing and disobeying us and my wife can ignore it but it drives me to my wits end because I’m trying to relax and can’t with all the screaming and hitting so I go and raise my voice to them and my wife doesn’t like how I can ignore it and believe me I try. But last night, I went outside after telling the girls to quiet down and ended up going for a walk. I came back and my wife and kids were gone. She had went to her parents because she said she needed space. She keeps saying she wants to save this and see a counselor but hasn’t done anything to make an appointment. We talked a little today and she said there’s just no spark left. Is there anything anyone can suggest to try and help save this. I don’t want to lose my family, being in law enforcement, I see the daily fights and custody issues between parents that are separated.


*Just take the bull by the bollocks and make the MC appointment yourself. 

With a little work and adjustment, I firmly believe that with some outside intervention by a good marriage counselor, your marriage can be saved and improved upon!

Best of luck to you, my friend!*


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Yeah, because his job made her cheat on him before the wedding and not come clean about it for a time after the wedding, right? And to flirt with another man?
> 
> Well, no. Because that was way before he got this job and so there must be another explanation for her cheating. Like, she just likes to do it?


There is no good excuse for cheating and flirting. She should separate or divorce but not cheat.


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## Imajerk17 (Apr 10, 2018)

Guys...

Much of the advice given here is HORRIBLE. Relationship counseling will not work if only ONE person--namely the OP--is the ONLY one putting any work into the marriage! Geeze Louize....

Let me see OP. Your wife....

--CHEATED on you a month before your wedding
--doesn't work
--doesn't discipline your kids (she has but ONE job...)
--and now she is saying she needs space.

This has to be an awful way to live as a man. I am wondering if your wife has always walked over you like this though, and now she doesn't even respect you. 

I'm sorry OP but I don't see how this can be salvaged short of you walking away and her seeing the light.


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