# Where did the sexual interest go?



## Liz554 (Dec 22, 2010)

I know one thing, and that is if there are sexual issues in a relationship, if they are not handled carefully they could be destined to never ever get better. And so I ask for your advice.

I was with my husband for 20 years, best friends, lovers. His business collapsed, he questioned every aspect of his life, and we separated but remained friends. He had a relationship for a year with another woman after that, but it ran its course and he wanted me back. I was not interested, not after all the pain. But he worked very hard to win my heart again and it been a year and we going just great..... except in bed. 

He used to love sex with me, could not get enough. He was the initiator and he could go 2 or 3 times some nights. We'd have sex sometimes twice a week, sometimes once a month, but it was awesome. since reconciling though, we only have sex when he seems to get an urge in bed and then its quick. No foreplay, no love making, just bang, done. He says its not me, he is just stressed rebuilding his business, he says sorry, and that it will get better. I am supportive and say I miss how it used to be, but its ok, it will get better. 

But inside I am worried. This is a massive change for him. I am a bigger woman, always have been and he was still madly sexually interested in me. I have tried initiating sex but I feel so clumsy, how do I get better at that? I need to get better at that because my clumsy attempts don't go so well. I worry he is no longer turned on by me because the woman he had a relationship with has a model body, though she is in her late 40's (I am in my early 40's and quite cuddly). He says not to be silly, its just that he has too much work stress at the moment and its only temporary.

He send me loving texts every day, we give each other massages and foot rubs, we are very loving, he just seems to feel no sexual chemistry for/with me anymore. What do I do? Please help. I also am hesitant to talk to him about it and risk making things worse (though we can talk about anything, so I will when I have a plan). Everything else is great but we are not living together again yet. He wants to buy a new house for us to move in together next year (soon) but I worried about this issue. Can our reconciliation work long term with this massive change in his sex drive for me? 

How do I become better at initiating sex and turning him on? Since he was always the initiator, its not a role I am familiar with and since I don't have a model body I am not a confident initiator  - but I am willing to learn and try.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

How big are you? A big woman can be attractive too! If your husband dumped the other woman, and came back to you, it means you have something he likes a lot. For keeping our men, our positive happy personality is more important than our appearance. Most women are beautiful, we just need to keep ourselves neat, well dressed, put on make up, put on a big sexy smile, we are attractive. 

A woman can be pretty, if she is not warm and smiling, if she has dirty looks all the time, if she harbors hatred and jealousy, if she complains and whines, she is not attractive to men. 

For initiating sex, man, I have been posting a lot here, but our men are different, what my husband likes your husband may not like. 

But I'll do my best. 

First, your husband is under stress, it is understandable that he is tired often. You don't need to feel offended if he is not energetic in bed. I don't know if it is a good time to ask him what he likes you to do in bed. 

Anyway, men like to see their women with sexy underwear. Make your bedroom romantic, dress up sexy, wear seductive make up, look at him with lustful eye, stroke him up and down slowly, and get him to heaven...............


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I'm wondering if this guy doesn't just have performance issues. It happens and he might be embarrassed to discuss them.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> How big are you? A big woman can be attractive too! If your husband dumped the other woman, and came back to you, it means you have something he likes a lot. For keeping our men, our positive happy personality is more important than our appearance. Most women are beautiful, we just need to keep ourselves neat, well dressed, put on make up, put on a big sexy smile, we are attractive.
> 
> A woman can be pretty, if she is not warm and smiling, if she has dirty looks all the time, if she harbors hatred and jealousy, if she complains and whines, she is not attractive to men.
> 
> ...


I can't agree more the last paragraph, nice one!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/19719-whats-satisfying-sexual-life-your-opinion-3.html

Here is another post of mine, but that's what I do, it may not be good for you to try.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Liz554 said:


> I know one thing, and that is if there are sexual issues in a relationship, if they are not handled carefully they could be destined to never ever get better. And so I ask for your advice.
> 
> I was with my husband for 20 years, best friends, lovers. His business collapsed, he questioned every aspect of his life, and we separated but remained friends. He had a relationship for a year with another woman after that, but it ran its course and he wanted me back. I was not interested, not after all the pain. But he worked very hard to win my heart again and it been a year and we going just great..... except in bed.
> 
> ...



It's actually very simple. Men are simple creatures.

Because he can't relax.

He knows you have an expectation on his sex performance.

When you know you're expected, you can't enjoy it.
When you know you're expected, you can't relax.
When you know you're expected, it'll be a task, instead of enjoyment.

My suggestion is simple, don't expect sex from him. Only make him relax and feel comfortable doing everything with you first.

My example:
I told my husband I don't want to have sex but I just want to give him a little spoil because I want him to relax and enjoy after a tiring work.

So I washed my husband in the shower room. I washed his hair, I rubbed his back, and I gave him some massages on his neck and shoulders when his body was full of bubbles and soap. I washed all his body like washing a baby. I rinsed him and I gave him a blow job with hot water in my mouth.

His feedbacks:
After the shower, he felt extremely comfortable and free even he didn't get aroused during my blow job but he told me he loved my spoiling him. If I told him I wanted sex instead, he must make sure he's hard to meet my expectation regardless he's been working all day and he's exhausted for he was very busy and couldn't stop 1 min. not working.

I replied:

I need you to relax and enjoy doing everything with me. Just like today. You felt totally relaxed to enjoy my love in the shower. 

Sex is also my love. I only want you to feel comfortable doing it and enjoy it.

Conclusion:
Of course I didn't ask for any F as I said. I let him sleep happily. 
I would find a day when he's not so busy and tired to screw his brains off starting from some naughty games...


You need to feel confident with yourself. Men love you not because how you look, because they feel comfortable being with you.

When your man feels free & comfortable to do everything with you. He would F you without limitations.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

I would recommend you read greenpearl's threads as well because she has many good stuffs & ideas for you to turn on your husband.

She's good at putting her husband's mind in peace. He feels comfortable, confident and relaxed to do everything and play any game with her. 

Her sexual life is great.

We can share together. We all love our husbands and we want them to enjoy what sex & life have to offer with us. I also have a lot to learn.


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## Liz554 (Dec 22, 2010)

Thanks, I will read more of greenpearl's threads.
I am big but not massive, 95kg/about 190lbs, and I do wear nice clothes etc. I am always told I am very pretty and I am fine with how I am, its just that if I had a better body I would look better in lingerie etc.

He is very stressed but hopefully coming to the end of that soon as he is reaching his goal. And I don't want to put pressure on him to perform, its the last thing I want....I just wonder and question if he is still attracted to me that way. I would be so sad if he wasn't. But I will more thread and give it time and go slow and help him relax


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