# Discovery...need help, new to forum



## Bridges79 (May 19, 2011)

Hi...I am new to this forum and this is my first post. Please forgive me that I do not know the common abbreviations used. I made a discovery tonight and need some help processing it before I confront my husband. My brief history:

My husband and I are 32yrs old and we have been married for 5 years, together for 7. We have 3 children...2 of mine from previous marriage which my husband has since adopted...and 1 daughter of his from previous relationship. I would describe us as very happy and in love...in fact we are typically the couple that all of our friends are envious of. We are romantic with each other, take trips together, enjoy hobbies weekly together, have a great and active sex life (3-4 times per week), etc. 

We have had a couple struggles in our past...all during the first 2 yrs of our relationship prior to marriage. Once I found an email that my then boyfriend had joined a singles website that was kinda like craigslist is now...looking for casual hook-ups. At the time I broke up with him, he of course cried and begged me to come back. He claimed that nothing had come of it, that all the guys at the firehouse were fooling around on the website seeing if girls would respond. Anyway...long story short we got back together.....the other incidences involved white lies told, typically about lunches with female co-workers or emails from them. Nothing crazy racy, no proof of infedelity...just that crushing gut feeling that something is going on. But again, this was years ago and I talked myself out of suspicion and we moved on. Life since has been great.

Until now. I recently found out my husband had a secret email account. I found out because he was buying/selling items on ebay for our new house and when one of the items sold, the payment went to a paypal account I did not recognize registered to this unfamiliar email. I went to the email and typed in his typical password...and bingo, i was in. Everything in the account was normal spam and very few emails...like it is rarely used. 

But I found a "sent" email dated 3-28-11 (incidently I was out of country with my job at this time) sent to a Craigslist user....the email was sent to a user named "bi curious and innocent" and my husband's email said: "Hello I guess I should start of by saying Im not a girl but thought I would give it a try! I live in xxxx county and looking for some one to hang out with no strings!! Just wanted to put it out there as alternative but I know it is a long shot with a body like that the ladies will be lined up!!I'm 33 5' 7 158 White" 

Now, I found no reply emails and I have no idea if anything ever came of this. Probably not, being that he sounds like a creep emailing a girl that is looking for another woman to email her. But obviously this is not the point. I want to say I am devastated but I'm not sure I am even there yet. I feel numb. My instinct is to start reviewing my finances and figure out my next steps. We just moved into a brand new house a few weeks ago. I feel sick about it. Plus my kids will be heartbroken. 

I don't even know how to confront him. I know he will react the way he did 6 yrs ago...he will probably say he doesn't know what prompted him to seek that kind of attention and that he is just a stupid man...I am sure he will cry and beg me to stay. But I don't know if I can get past this again. I am not perfect but I thought we have such an amazing marriage...I am at a loss as to why he would seek attention elsewhere. I don't know if this kind of thing is repairable...for him or for me. 

What should I say to him...please help


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Okay.. Breathe

You have found a single sent email to an almost impossible date. There was no response.
He does sound like a creep and it is incredibly stupid.
There is no excuse.

This is your reconciliation and you are clearly very hurt by this. 

Your trust was rebuilding and you are now back to square one.

I think I would ask him about the email account AFTER you have printed out the email.

Sorry you are here


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Hi and welcome to TAM. However, I'm sorry circumstances have forced you to seek help.

When a spouse is telling lies and hiding an e-mail account, it's to cover something. For your own sanity, start digging. And say nothing until you have evidence. If you say something right now, he will deny and be more careful with his activities.

That e-mail you found did sound creepy. You really don't know that the woman didn't respond. He could have deleted her response. You have no way of knowing how many e-mails he has deleted. The bottom line is that contact was completely out of line for a married man. 

Hope things work out for you.


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## VLR (May 15, 2011)

This is your marriage and you've found something that is a big deal. His behavior is very risky. The odds of this being the only email of this sort seem low to me. The odds that he has never successfully connected with anyone seem low also. It's just one email with no response, but it could be the tip of an iceberg. I can't imagine doing that. It would be good for you to find professional help also, but protect yourself emotionally and physically as well as legally.


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## Bridges79 (May 19, 2011)

Thank you so much for the responses, I really appreciate it. I did not confront my husband last night, although it was really difficult not to. I did some more hunting around this morning and have found nothing else. But my guess would be that if there is more he is just better about hiding it. My actual gut instinct thinks this could have been a beginning attempt for him....I think it would be difficult for him to find time to start a real affair with someone (he doesn't go out to bars at night or anything like that)...so this would be a quick, easy way. Which almost makes it worse, like seeking a prostitute or something.

I did print the email. I have to process a bit more before I confront him. 

I know that I am just a dime a dozen in this world of being cheated on. It is just sad to think maybe all people are capable of this. My first marriage ended similarly. I just thought having a happy, fulfilled marriage now would be different. I don't think I would ever consider marriage again. 

Feeling sad and lost this morning.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

There are web sites that are nothing but "hook up" sites. People on those sites are hunting activity partners only. I know my estranged husband first began with one of those. It was called Passion.com. Another site which comes to mind is AdultFriendFinder.com. Be on the look out for those type of sites.

I really hope there is nothing to your husband's activities. In the meantime, keep your cool. Focus on the good things in life and don't let this get you down (at least not yet).


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Bridges79 said:


> Feeling sad and lost this morning.


Of course. This is a horrible. 
TAM is amazing. The people are generous and will offer the best help they can. Keep posting! 

If your gut tells you it is the beginning. It probably was. I tend to agree with you only because it is such a long shot. I mean... A woman wanting a woman and he replies.. DUH


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well he def has a history of looking up women/sex online. I would print out the email and confront him. Or you could wait a couple more days and dig some more. His excuse about wanting to see who would respond back on the singles sites = ridiculous.

I went through something similar. Not even married a yr when my now ex-H started posting up ads on POF looking for "intimate encounters." Recently he changed his story AGAIN about it. (we're divorced, btw, no reason to lie anymore). He has told me FOUR different versions about how long he had the ads up for. Um, ok.

Print out and confront. Oh and....get tested for STDs. Cause ya never know. He was probably def looking to cheat.

I wonder if most men post these ads online...I am starting to get very discouraged. 

And I understand about not wanting to remarry again in the future should you divorce. I am not sure I ever would.


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## Bridges79 (May 19, 2011)

Today has been a long day at work. I have been trying to smile and act normal and it is really difficult. I am going to confront my husband tonight because I can't internalize this. Plus it doesn't even matter if there is more to discover, this is enough....it is cheating in my book.

Is there anyone out there that could respond that was the cheater? 
Is it even possible to really love someone and be sexually crazy about them...yet do this kind of thing behind their back? I just feel like our entire marriage has been discredited and that I don't even know who he really is.

I will post an update tomorrow after we talk. Thanks again for the support...I can't confide in friends and family about this, at least not yet.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

So sorry you're going through this and good luck tonight. Who knows why people do the things they do. When I found out about my husband's affair, I felt like I was married to a stanger. It wasn't until he finally unburdened himself of old secrets and a guilty conscience that I finally felt like I knew him again. I hope your talk goes well tonight and know there's usually someone on the thread around to help.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

We are here for you


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