# Should I "Man Up"?



## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

I'm not much of a "Man". I don't watch football, I don't fix cars. I don't go camping, I don't hunt. I don't drink beer. And I don't go for physical confrontations. I don't fight. Unless I absolutely have to, which has happened maybe three times in my 34 years on this planet.

So recently, my mother-in-law and her boyfriend broke up. He has since become SUPER nasty, going so far as to call up MIL's family members and tell her dirty secrets (things she trusted him with) and on top of that, he called social services on me and my wife! 

We're not the best parents, but our kids are happy and healthy. Which I think is the most important thing. 

Now, I'm feeling like I need to "man up". As in, go over to his house and beat the **** out of him. Good idea? Bad? 

On the one hand, a "man" should protect his family, right? Any good man would tear someone apart for trying to hurt his family! And it sends a valuable message to anyone who wants to hurt his family!

On the other hand, exactly what good would it do? It would land me in jail, where I can protect my family even less, and it would just give him more ammo when he calls social services again. "See, the husband is super violent!"


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Find a way to legally thrash him. Catch him making false statements to the authorities. Press charges and/or sue the pants off of him. File a restraining order. If you know of dirt on him, use it (legally).

But don't do anything to put you or your family in jeopardy. 

Do everything you can to protect your family from social services! You need to be really aggressive in dealing with it. Hire a lawyer asap and learn your rights and obligations. Don't admit to anything, because it will be used against you.


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## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

Thor said:


> Find a way to legally thrash him. Catch him making false statements to the authorities. Press charges and/or sue the pants off of him. File a restraining order. If you know of dirt on him, use it (legally).
> 
> But don't do anything to put you or your family in jeopardy.
> 
> Do everything you can to protect your family from social services! You need to be really aggressive in dealing with it. Hire a lawyer asap and learn your rights and obligations. Don't admit to anything, because it will be used against you.


Well so far social services seemed content with us. Unless they're the type of people who will lie and say "Everything looks good" and then go back and file reports about how much we abuse our kids. I dunno.

The only dirt we have on him is that he hasn't paid taxes in over 10 years. Not that it's a whole lotta money, but he's a self employed fisherman and hasn't even filed or anything. Never ever. 

I looked it up online some, but it seems like when it comes down to it, the IRS just wouldn't care. They're after rich people cheating them out of millions, not some low life who might owe them 10,000 dollars.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Don't jump into an arena that you are not use to. I am experienced in confrontation and fighting. It does not have to go physical. You might be better off seeking legal council on how to deal with this idiot. 

With that being said... If you are confident that you can handle yourself with him, if you keep your cool while not backing down from him and your demeanor is condescending and disrespectful towards him, he will probably throw the first or try and do a grab and take down. Once he moves first, you can lay waste to him.

Make sure there are witnesses and it is self defense. He may even just back down when confronted. He sounds like a bully and they like easy targets.


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## CluelessWif (Jun 20, 2014)

No. Hell no. Nowhere in "be a man" is the phrase "spend time in jail." Follow the legal route. Criminal complaints for harrassment, a log of all interactions. If he called CPS for a false claim, call the police and file a report.

Here is the deal: it is really hard to play the long game. Really damned hard. But it is worth it, because he can't win. Follow legal avenues, please. The squeaky wheel gets greased, so call your contact at the police department regularly. If he shows up at your moms, have him arrested for trespassing.

One of two things will happen. Either he quits or you build a stalking case. Either way, you win. Call a detective, find out what you need for stalking, and nail the bastard to the wall.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Jadiel said:


> I'm not much of a "Man". I don't watch football, I don't fix cars. I don't go camping, I don't hunt. I don't drink beer. And I don't go for physical confrontations. I don't fight. Unless I absolutely have to, which has happened maybe three times in my 34 years on this planet.
> 
> So recently, my mother-in-law and her boyfriend broke up. He has since become SUPER nasty, going so far as to call up MIL's family members and tell her dirty secrets (things she trusted him with) and on top of that, he called social services on me and my wife!
> 
> ...


I sure as hell would.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long has this guy been doing these things? 

If you go to his house and start a fight, you will be giving him a gift. He can then have your prosecuted. You could end up in jail. most likely it will cost your thousands and you will be on probation for years. 

Is he worth giving that much up for.

Ignore him. If you bothers anyone in your family again see if you can file harassment charges against him. Keep a log. Start it now by recording everything he's done so far. That way you have proof if/when the time comes to press charges.

If you want, you could write him a cease and desisted letter. That way you also establish that he has been clearly told to stop harassing you and your family.

Here's a link to a sample cease and desist letter for harassment with some instructions.

Free Cease and Desist Letter Template for Harassment or Intimidation


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Thor said:


> Find a way to legally thrash him. Catch him making false statements to the authorities. Press charges and/or sue the pants off of him. File a restraining order. If you know of dirt on him, use it (legally).
> 
> But don't do anything to put you or your family in jeopardy.
> 
> Do everything you can to protect your family from social services! You need to be really aggressive in dealing with it. Hire a lawyer asap and learn your rights and obligations. *Don't admit to anything, because it will be used against you*.


yes, and that means not saying stuff like this:



> We're not the best parents, but our kids are happy and healthy. Which I think is the most important thing.


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## Binji (Jun 25, 2014)

Jadiel said:


> I'm not much of a "Man". I don't watch football, I don't fix cars. I don't go camping, I don't hunt. I don't drink beer. And I don't go for physical confrontations. I don't fight. Unless I absolutely have to, which has happened maybe three times in my 34 years on this planet.
> 
> So recently, my mother-in-law and her boyfriend broke up. He has since become SUPER nasty, going so far as to call up MIL's family members and tell her dirty secrets (things she trusted him with) and on top of that, he called social services on me and my wife!
> 
> ...



Can you explain how exactly you would go to jail? I have seen many fights and for the most part people don't go to jail over fights. I just witnessed a Superintendent choke out a senior engineer, where I work at. Nothing happened. No one went to jail. If you go over to his house give him a few power ups to the face, I'm about 95% sure nothing will happen, unless he is the weasel type. But if he has the balls to call child services on you and your family then you need to go over there and protect yourself.

I'm not giving you the green light to go over there and beat up the guy, I'm just stating that the threat of landing in jail is minimal.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

Binji said:


> Can you explain how exactly you would go to jail? I have seen many fights and for the most part people don't go to jail over fights. I just witnessed a Superintendent choke out a senior engineer, where I work at. Nothing happened. No one went to jail. If you go over to his house give him a few power ups to the face, I'm about 95% sure nothing will happen, unless he is the weasel type. But if he has the balls to call child services on you and your family then you need to go over there and protect yourself.
> 
> I'm not giving you the green light to go over there and beat up the guy, I'm just stating that the threat of landing in jail is minimal.


So he hits the guy with a haymaker, knocks him out cold, the guy falls and hits the back of his head on the concrete step and dies of a massive hemmorage right there on his own front steps.
What do you think? Murder One? Manslaughter? 
Or maybe that guy carries a concealed handgun , ducks the punch, pulls his gun and shoots the OP. Of course he will get off on the Stand your Ground defense.

Physical confrontation can only lead to big problems. Take the legal route. There is so much you could do to this guy legally. A restraining order would be the first thing but your MIL has to be on board with that. 

I wish you all the best, just don't be stupid...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

A lot of bad things can go wrong in a fist fight, especially when your specifically going to pick a fight.

too many to list here. (ever hear of guns?).


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Make his life a living h*ll through the legal system.

File a restraining order. File multiple restraining orders from other family members. File harassment and stalking charges. And anonymously turn him in to the IRS. You'd be surprised what they might do -- they're not always after the big fish. Even if they don't "investigate" him, they will surely make note of it when he doesn't file in the next tax season. Then come the endless letters from the IRS.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Jadiel said:


> Now, I'm feeling like I need to "man up". As in, go over to his house and beat the **** out of him. Good idea? Bad?
> !"


That's not "manning up", it's "dumbing down". 

My experience in life is mothers in law are usually not worth sticking your neck out for at this level.


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## HappyGilmore (Jul 20, 2014)

OP--do not, I repeat, *do not* give this man any ammunition to use against you. 

You must cut off any and all contact with him. It sounds like he is a lot like my husband's ex-wife--if you sneezed in front of her, she'd find a way to use it against you. No phone calls, no emails, no texts--nothing. If you don't have caller ID, get it. Do not answer any phone calls. Let it go to voice mail. I'm serious as a heart attack about this. You want to "man up?" First step is to be rational and cool headed, and recognize when he's trying to bait you into something. It sounds like he is on an all-out mission to destroy the entire family. And if that means employing a scorched-land strategy, i.e. baiting you into assaulting him, he'll do it. 

You want to protect your family? Keep your family away from him. Do not let him contact them, nor they to contact him. 

It sounds to me like mother-in-law also needs to get a restraining order, that's my opinion. And you might have to, as well. The last thing you want, though, is to give this person _anything_.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

sparkyjim said:


> So he hits the guy with a haymaker, knocks him out cold, the guy falls and hits the back of his head on the concrete step and dies of a massive hemmorage right there on his own front steps.
> What do you think? Murder One? Manslaughter?
> Or maybe that guy carries a concealed handgun , ducks the punch, pulls his gun and shoots the OP. Of course he will get off on the Stand your Ground defense.
> 
> ...


Well, hell, let's just put a nice dress on him and he can do the "I'm a fairy and stay away from my wife" dance.

There are times when a man does what a man does. I good punch in the nose gets the message across. 

And I thought this was the men's club. Moderator, please change the name to the Emasculated Men's Tea Room.


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## HappyGilmore (Jul 20, 2014)

thatbpguy said:


> Well, hell, let's just put a nice dress on him and he can do the "I'm a fairy and stay away from my wife" dance.
> 
> There are times when a man does what a man does. I good punch in the nose gets the message across.
> 
> And I thought this was the men's club. Moderator, please change the name to the Emasculated Men's Tea Room.


Call it what you want, but there is little wisdom in going over to this person's house and picking a fight. There are plenty of men of strength and integrity who know when it would be unwise to engage in fisticuffs. 

Now, if this terrible fellow came over to the OPs house, trespassing, then the OP has every right to defend himself, his family, and his home--by whatever means. But going over to the offender's house, and falling right into a trap is not manly--it's just plain stupid.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

HappyGilmore said:


> Call it what you want, but there is little wisdom in going over to this person's house and picking a fight. There are plenty of men of strength and integrity who know when it would be unwise to engage in fisticuffs.
> 
> Now, if this terrible fellow came over to the OPs house, trespassing, then the OP has every right to defend himself, his family, and his home--by whatever means. But going over to the offender's house, and falling right into a trap is not manly--it's just plain stupid.


It's not picking a fight. Its punching someone. Major difference. And frankly, doing it on his home turf sends a strong message. And a proper one as well.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

thatbpguy said:


> It's not picking a fight. Its punching someone. Major difference. And frankly, doing it on his home turf sends a strong message. And a proper one as well.


Too much risk to OP. Now if he could bait the guy into throwing the first punch, go for it (if OP is sure he can whup the guy).

I would be all for OP and several of his athletic buddies going over to have a calm polite conversation with the guy, suggesting he cease and desist.

You never know if the guy has a VAR or some kind of home video surveillance set up. Going over with the intention to physically beat the guy is excessive given the situation, and of course it can lead to severe legal problems for OP.

OP's first priority is the safety, security, and financial well being of his own family. The goal here is to *win*, not lose. Losing could look like an arrest record or conviction on OP's record, forever tainting his ability to find work etc. Losing could look like a law suit which extracts huge amounts of money out of OP, for many years into the future. Losing could be the lifelong emotional trauma to OP if the other guy dies from some freak event. Losing could be the other guy doing severe permanent injury to OP in a fight.

What does winning look like? Mostly it is the other guy leaving OP and his family alone. There are many ways to go about it lawfully. Retribution would be fulfilling, but is not necessary for success.

The modern world does not allow for traditional self-remedies.


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## HappyGilmore (Jul 20, 2014)

thatbpguy said:


> It's not picking a fight. Its punching someone. Major difference. And frankly, doing it on his home turf sends a strong message. And a proper one as well.


Neither we, nor the OP, knows the outcome of such an action. It could end up being a fight. It could end up with a deadly outcome. In any event, this offensive man would be just type who would bait something, and then use it against the OP. 

And oh yes, this would send a message...most likely the kind of message that Child Protective Services was concerned about when the man in question made his first false accusation (and I say first, because this is not the end of it, by any stretch). OP has already had a run-in with those folks. He doesn't need another. That could mean the complete destruction of his family.

Trust me. Voice of experience (I won't go into it here--it is a long, ugly, dirty story that goes beyond the scope of this topic). I know how these people work, the kinds that would make false accusations and leave a trail of destruction in their wake. Circle your wagons, keep mum, don't give them *anything* that they can use against you. Hauling off half-c0cked and escalating things to an actual fight is downright foolish. 

And it is bad form to encourage the OP to trespass on this person's property and commit assault and battery. These things are considered illegal. Just saying...


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

There's no part of your self description that says your not a "man"

Seems like you care for your family. So that's a pretty good description of a man to me.


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