# How can I deal with his ED?



## _DreamCatcher_ (Sep 30, 2015)

Hi all,

My fiancé and I have been struggling with our sexual life for quite a while and I alternate feelings of hope for the situation to improve and understanding for him - to sadness, anger and fear for the relationship to end. When the latter kick off, I get really sad and emotional and it's usually when words spill out of me and I cannot keep my dissatisfaction for myself anymore. He knows that I am not happy with how things are and I know he's worried about me leaving him, but at the same time I feel he's taking it slow and I am losing my patience. However, every time I face him on this, I regret the way I do it because I get too emotional and usually end up crying and I know that this certainly won't help the situation. So right now I'm trying to control this and just focus on what's good in our relationship and give him time and space, but it gets really hard so I figured some advice would come in handy as I don't have many people to talk to about this.

A little backstory about us if you care to keep on reading:

We've been together almost 5 years and he's the sweetest man I've ever met. Apart from our sexual life, our relationship doesn't have many other low points. We're great together and I really want this to work out. However, he's 17 years my senior (28 me, 45 him) so I guess we are at different stages in life. I haven't had many partners before him and am still discovering my sexuality, so the fear of our sexual life declining already is a very big problem for me. When we first got together he literally couldn't take his hands off me so he did't have ED at first. However, we then moved to a different country and lived under a lot of stress, so our sex life started declining after about a year living abroad. On top of that, he had diabetes and takes medications, but that didn't seem to affect him at all at first. After 3 years, we now moved back to his country, where he has a decent job and when we moved I was almost sure our sex life would change. But it didn't, not much. So now I really don't know what to do. Apart from that, we are very physical with each other, we hug, touch, make out and even though I grew more insecure about myself, I do think he's still attracted to me. We occasionally manage to have sex, mostly oral and the few times he gets inside me he usually gets soft after a short while, which makes trying to have sex quite stressful for both of us. This also makes me afraid of initiating things. He was the one to initiate most of the time so the fact he doesn't do it just makes me think he doesn't want me enough and initiating makes me think I'm forcing him into sex and that he's doing it just to do me a favour. His ED could be caused by so many things at this point (financial stress, bad work situation, diabetes, performance anxiety) that I don't know what to tackle. Seeing a sex therapist at this stage is not an option due to our finances and also we've already tried and didn't end up too well (just a couple of sessions but the therapist wasn't good and it didn't make us feel any better so we stopped). It's been years now we're going through this and I'm getting afraid for the situation to be irreversible.

Any advice or word of encouragement would be really much appreciated.

Thank you for reading.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

25mg Viagra, or 50mg Viagra, or 100mg Viagra or I.V. Viagra.

I am 53 years old, been married 24 years, heart attack at 45, have been cardioverted 7 times for Atrial Fibrillation, 3 Ablations for Afib, 2 back to back stents and a borderline diabetic. I take Metoprolol, Plavix, Citalapram, Ativan, Nexium(x2), Tramadol(X4), Adrogel and Lipitor daily AND Viagra as needed with other assorted meds. I have a 21 year old mentally handicapped child and have an incredibly stressful job.

I can bust a nut like an 18 year old and drill for gold for an hour unless my wife begs me to stop.

If I can do it, anyone can!

Rock ON! Pun intended. 

Edit: Busting a nut like an 18 year old takes a bit of work....but I do try my best


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Mr UMP is exactly right.

The obvious question is has he tried performance supplements?

If not, that is the obvious path. You can get free samples online for all of them. in many countries (US) you will need a drs.
rx to get it from a pharmacy, but most GP's will give you one. You can also order them online from international pharmacies w/o a drs.
prescription. however i would recommend the dr. route first to make sure he is medically ok to take them (diabetes).

some other people on this site have other answers like **** rings and pumps, but i have no experience with these, so i'll leave that to others.

Is mr. dreamcatcher overweight? if significantly, then i would suggest he work on that. it will make a big difference.
does he get stiff at night? if he does, then it's probably not medical.

one more thing. unfortunately a lot of women do not understand men in this regard. the common misconception is that men will always 'get it up' if they are attracted to their mate
and if they can't there's something seriously wrong with them or they are not turned on. this is not necessarily true. men are not machines.
many, many, many men have this issue, sometimes transitory and sometimes not, and there are a lot of different reasons why.
even younger men have this problem.

if you really love this guy, the answer is to be patient and encourage his male ego at the same time urging him to take action.

numero uno: try the pills!


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Call me crazy. Well, Ok, I am crazy so you will understand....

I have been "jelqing" for almost 3 years. I do 100 semi erect slow reps per day 5 days a week and it has helped tremendously. I have increased my girth by 1\2 inch along with 1\2 inch gain in length. However, the best part is that Mini UMP always seems ready for a challenge. It simply wakes him up daily with stretching and targeted exercise directing blood flow. Turned my grower into a shower/grower.

Again, call me crazy, but I'm laughing all the way to the bedroom.

"Honey, your penis is scaring me." 

More soul touching words do not exist!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Perhaps he should have his testosterone checked? A good urologist would do the tests.
There are also natural supplements to help with blood flow such as Gingko, saffron, ginseng. Check out ayurvedic treatments also.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

If he will not work on this by taking supplements, give serious thought to leaving sooner rather than later. Every couple has problems. The question is whether they work together to solve them. You aren't looking for someone with whom you will never have disagreement or issues. You are looking for someone who will work with you to resolve the disagreements.

If he will not put any effort into resolving his ED (exercise, supplements, sex therapist, etc.) then he is not the right guy for you. Because if he won't work on this (which is a major issue between a married couple), then how can you reasonably expect him to work with you to resolve disagreements over money, parenting, jobs, etc.? You can't. And if you guys cannot work well together to resolve problems, I guarantee you that your marriage will be a living hell. No matter how sweet he is when things are going well.

Things do not always go well for anyone. Do not judge a partner by how they treat you when things are good. Judge them by how they treat you when the chips are down. My wife has cancer. I have been by her side every step of the way. Surgery. Huge incisions. Bodily fluids oozing out of her that need to be drained and disposed of. Pain. Short temper. She has never adored me the way she does now that I have supported her through this misery. You want a man who will be there for you when you tragedy strikes. because it strikes everyone eventually.

Choose wisely.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
stress about ED is a big cause of ED. Is he able to have an erection when he masturbates? If so, then its not a medical problem. 

Find other things to do in bed. Add toys to your play if that is what you want. There are lots of ways he can please you without an erection. Can you please him in ways other than intercourse?

Then when the stress is reduced, see if things get better


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

Along with what's being mentioned, practice regular massage or erotic massage with each other. Let it be a time to just be aware of the pleasure and sensations. Tell him that erection or maintaining the erection is not the goal. That could systematically help to take the performance anxiety out of the picture, if it is anxiety. Search lingam and yoni massage. There's lots of good info out there.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

You will also want to rule out that he is not excessively masturbating when the two of you are apart (e.g. in the shower, or while you are sleeping). Sometimes when men have problems they will attempt to overstimulate themselves with porn and/or masturbation to try and fix everything, but they may not realize that they are numbing themselves and exacerbating the issue.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

To me, all these suggestions are worth trying but that is the main question - is he willing to try? If he is willing to communicate and work together as a team and try different things to see what works, then he is worth keeping. If he pushes you away then you have both lost.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

UMP said:


> Again, call me crazy, but I'm laughing all the way to the bedroom.
> 
> "Honey, your penis is scaring me."
> 
> More soul touching words do not exist!



You Rock...hard!


>

Bibi


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

UMP said:


> Call me crazy. Well, Ok, I am crazy so you will understand....
> 
> I have been "jelqing" for almost 3 years. I do 100 semi erect slow reps per day 5 days a week and it has helped tremendously. I have increased my girth by 1\2 inch along with 1\2 inch gain in length. However, the best part is that Mini UMP always seems ready for a challenge. It simply wakes him up daily with stretching and targeted exercise directing blood flow. Turned my grower into a shower/grower.
> 
> ...


Huh, go figure. I thought the jelqing thing was a myth.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

JoeHenderson said:


> Huh, go figure. I thought the jelqing thing was a myth.


Not in my opinion.
Again, most will call me crazy and I'm cool with that.
However, I know better.

Come to think of it, it's time for me to visit the bathroom with my baby oil, see you in a couple minutes :grin2:


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Honestly, 
It will be 3 years in April. 5 days a week, 52 weeks a year.
Big flaccid difference. With boxer shorts or commando I swing side to side and I NEVER EVER did that before. A half inch is not much for length but is noticed in girth(erect). My wife "swears it's bigger."
I guess she should know if it is or is not.
It is my secret. I have not told her and don't plan on it. She already thinks I'm nuts to begin with.

I don't go crazy and hang 100 pounds of weight on my schlong for hours. That really IS crazy. It just takes a few minutes and feels quite good. Think stretch and exercise regimen for your penis. 100 slow reps a day, SEMI erect is important.

I highly recommend.

Oh almost forgot "it don't cost nothin"


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## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

Diabetes, as in type 2, at age 45? If not type 1, then YIKES! Low carb/LCHF, like, yesterday. Don't care if it's Paleo or Atkins, just get any excess weight off and the fasting blood sugar/A1C back to normal without medications, if it isn't too late. It's either that or make a devil's bargain with drugs and insulin (and jelly doughnut cravings) for the rest of your life. 

Does he exercise? Start with long low-intensity workouts (long walks/hikes/hillclimbs etc) if he's a couch potato, work up to HIT sprints and throw in some weights/resistance. Check T levels and adjust to high normal with a doctor who gets modern HRT (*not* "oh, Total T is 350, you're fine!" or "Come in every 4 weeks and I'll give you a T shot"): semi-weekly self injection with hCG/arimidex cotherapy if needed. 

He should stop jerking off to porn so much if that's a constant habit--has both mental and physical downsides wrt sex with real people, particularly if he's trying to avoid ED-related embarrassment. Sleep deprivation and stress are major contributors, so address those. Try to find a time of day when sex works best...often for guys it's the morning.

Vitamin V or Cialis (longer acting, can be taken ahead of time) can be helpful both in a physical sense and as a hedge against performance anxiety. So can calmness & patience from you when/if the mood does "deflate" during sex...if you take it in stride, it's far less damaging than getting frustrated or patronizing and feeding his insecurities.


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## 2ndchanceGuy (Sep 28, 2015)

He needs to start with a Dr. visit and get full lab tests. Check ALL hormones etc, then go from there.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

If you can tell, what country and culture are you dealing with?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

_DreamCatcher_ said:


> Hi all,
> 
> My fiancé and I have been struggling with our sexual life for quite a while and I alternate feelings of hope for the situation to improve and understanding for him - to sadness, anger and fear for the relationship to end. When the latter kick off, I get really sad and emotional and it's usually when words spill out of me and I cannot keep my dissatisfaction for myself anymore. He knows that I am not happy with how things are and I know he's worried about me leaving him, but at the same time I feel he's taking it slow and I am losing my patience. However, every time I face him on this, I regret the way I do it because I get too emotional and usually end up crying and I know that this certainly won't help the situation. So right now I'm trying to control this and just focus on what's good in our relationship and give him time and space, but it gets really hard so I figured some advice would come in handy as I don't have many people to talk to about this.
> 
> ...



Get him to buy a male hollow strap on with harness. You pick the size and he wears this. No mess afterwards and never goes limp.

100 Strap-Ons You'll Love | TheAdultToyShop.com


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