# First Anniversary Flop



## HarleyNJ (Oct 12, 2016)

Delete


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think it was our 5th. I got her a card and a ring to replace the engagement ring I had bought as a very poor student. She forgot a card or anything and looked mortified. I told her "I'll always take a hug and a kiss over a card any day". Everybody happy.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

not everyone is going to appreciate the same kind of celebration for a holiday/important day.

I am much happier staying at home with a homecooked meal and cooking together/spending it together, as a family. I'm a quality time person. i don't care what we do, i want to have fun and be happy.
my ex was a gifts person, and I am admittedly terrible at gifts. I need some not so subtle hints. like a wish list. or flat out telling me what would be a good gift.

Maybe for next year, you could sit her down soon and explain that this year wasn't exactly what you wanted. Have her tell you what her ideal anniversary day would look like. then you tell her what your ideal day is. Then you mix and match, and everyone is on the same page for the 2nd anniversary.
Not knowing and not caring are not the same.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

There is a difference between forgetting something and, as we say in the British Isles, just not being ars*d to do something about it.

Did your wife forget it or just not bother?

The latter, if so, could be a harbinger of more to come.

Why was she divorced?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I think your wife was looking long term, she decided to set the bar way low on the first anniversary so in the following years you expect nothing from her. She's showing you who she is, live with or not.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I'm at the other end of that deal. My wife is the one that is big on special dates. I joked that I forgot her birthday three years in a row to create low expectations. Eventually I learned her love language and learned to remember special days. So much that I felt quite stung when she forgot our 29th. Open discussion of emotional needs is the key to a quicker resolution.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Your FIRST anniversary and she forgets it??

WTF!

Sounds to me like she is not really in love. Are you wealthy or bring home a good paycheck?

I mean, she's a woman. They're the ones who place a lot of emphasis on this stuff.

If I were you I'd be feeling really really hurt.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Well, it's the first anniversary so you have gotten a taste for how she may treat each anniversary going forward. Usually couples celebrate anniversaries at first then gradually start to neglect them. Your wife is neglecting right off the bat. Do you think that she's a selfish person? 

You just need to be honest with her about this. Tell her that it's important to you and her making an attempt to celebrate would mean so much to you. Unless she's an as**ole, I bet she'd do better after this. 

If you think she's forgetful, then put a calendar on your frig. Make sure you circle, highlight, and write a note on the special days.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> There is a difference between forgetting something and, as we say in the British Isles, just not being ars*d to do something about it.
> 
> Did your wife forget it or just not bother?
> 
> ...


I love and adore my husband. 17 years coming up soon and I still get excited when he walks in a room or smiles at me. For the first 3 years of our marriage, I had to sneak down to the file box and check my Marriage Certificate to find out which day in December we married. I have the memory of a gnat with ADHD and I was so busy arranging the marriage, taking care of 3 young kids, and house hunting that I was lucky to remember my own name.

If she forgot, she might be too embarrassed to admit it, but that doesn't mean she doesn't care. It's also possible she has negative associations with celebrating anniversaries due to her first marriage or that she has some superstition about anniversaries.

I, too, would be interested to know why she divorced and what you know of her first marriage, @HarleyNJ.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

My advice for anniversaries and other occasions that you want to celebrate: don't try to make everything a surprise, and do talk about what you want to do together and what you expect ahead of time.

Having expectations that the other person doesn't share or maybe doesn't know about or understand is usually the problem. If this is your first anniversary, she might not have known that you wanted some kind of fuss about it, especially if you never mentioned anything about it beforehand. Not everyone immediately thinks of gifts and cards for anniversaries, and may not realize you expect it and will ascribe all kinds of meaning to it.

Also, you might want to read up on the Five Love Languages, maybe read them together. Your wife might not be a person who expresses love through gifts, and she might not realize that is one of your love languages that you need in order to feel loved by her. Maybe she expresses her love for you in other ways. It's better to understand how she thinks than to assume she thinks the same way you do (or to believe that her way is wrong and yours is right!).

A year into a marriage, you are still learning about each other and still adjusting to each other. This is the time to communicate, communicate, communicate - and to give each other the benefit of the doubt instead of assuming the worst.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> There is a difference between forgetting something and, as we say in the British Isles, just not being ars*d to do something about it.
> 
> Did your wife forget it or just not bother?
> 
> ...


I have an issue with dates.

I rarely remember my own (I stopped checking when I turned 21 many many moons ago). The only bday I cared about was my 40th(I was a bit of a heck raiser and never thought I would make it to 40)

I had to add dates to my calendar and to my phone in order to remember.

If she is scattered-brained,perhaps having a calendar may be the ticket she needs to make him feel secure.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I'm sorry, but a woman DOES NOT FORGET her first wedding anniversary! How sh!tty, honestly, that she snubbed you on this. Did she offer any apology?? Any excuse?? Even those of us who don't have gifts as a primary emotional need or love language DO need some kind of acknowledgement for special events/times! This was a serious hit below the belt.


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## HarleyNJ (Oct 12, 2016)

First, thanks to everyone for the responses, they are appreciated. To answer a few questions, be more clear:

She didn't forget, she just didn't bother. That, to me, is worse. We always celebrate anniversaries; our first date, same restaurant where it was, birthdays, holidays, etc. and have exchanged gifts for them.

She wasn't divorced, not previously married. It's the first marriage for the both of us; we are both mid 40's accomplished professionals, so we know how to manage dates, calendars, resources, etc. I am the one that has/needs a spreadsheet of all the personal/family dates so that I don't forget! 

Also, we were at a wedding the weekend before, and during that weekend and the weeks leading up to our anniversary we discussed it...more than a few times. We even made notable mention of the cake topper from our wedding cake in our freezer as well as what to do for dinner plans, etc. 

So, she was definitely very aware, and had the time and resources to make an effort.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

so why do you think she made no effort...is she happy ?


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

A good friend of mine married a women with children. He now complains that he feels like he is just a replacement for a missing part of the family rather than a lover. I wonder if something like that is going on. Usually it is the wife who remembers every anniversary like the day you met, the day of your first date, the day you proposed and most important of all, the day you got married. So this does not sound like typical behavior but do not know your wife and what her motives are. 

Does she make sure you know that she loves you. Does she actually say it. Does she make you feel like you did when you were just dating or has she already taken you for granted? My wife knows every date we did anything, even the date we first had sex and reminds me of them. We do not celebrate them but she will ask me if I know what happened on this day 45 years ago.  We tell say, "I love you " before bed each night and we intimately touch each other a few times a day. Is it like that are do you feel more like a cog in a family machine?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

First she planned a birthday party for you and had you pay for your own dinner AND everyone else's. Who does this?

Then she couldn't be bothered to buy even a card for your 1st anniversary. 

Running around buying steaks when she knows you have plans and then telling you that you didn't appreciate her effort. Something's up. Is she resentful of something?

How long had you two been dating How old are her children? She may just not know how to do marriage.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

HarleyNJ said:


> First, thanks to everyone for the responses, they are appreciated. To answer a few questions, be more clear:
> 
> She didn't forget, she just didn't bother. That, to me, is worse. We always celebrate anniversaries; our first date, same restaurant where it was, birthdays, holidays, etc. and have exchanged gifts for them.
> 
> ...



Maybe it's time to take the cake topper out of the freezer and leave it in the sun.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

HarleyNJ said:


> Also, we were at a wedding the weekend before, and during that weekend and the weeks leading up to our anniversary we discussed it...more than a few times. We even made notable mention of the cake topper from our wedding cake in our freezer as well as what to do for dinner plans, etc.
> 
> So, she was definitely very aware, and had the time and resources to make an effort.


Did you discuss specifically that you expected gifts and a card and were planning to give her gifts and a card? Maybe she was expecting to DO something, like those dinner plans you mentioned, but not that you would be expecting to exchange gifts and cards.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

First of all it is absolutely silly to assume every woman makes a big deal out of anniversaries "because woman". Every woman is different. Have you been clear to her that holidays and gifts matter to you? My hubsnand is bad with these. And when he forgets I make sure to communicate that I would like for him to try harder. He usually does.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

HarleyNJ said:


> So, I know that I am entitled to feel how I want to, that my emotions are valid to me. But, I want to know, ask, what is the general consensus?
> 
> How would you feel, react to and or interpret the First Anniversary Snub?


Me personally? Who cares!!!

I don't care about anniversaries, birthdays, fathers day, Christmas, valentines, etc.

It ALL a bunch of crap. Hallmark holidays. All I want is a simple "thank you" and "I love you".

That's it and they can go about the day. Now if I could find a woman with a similar mentality.

I'd marry her in a heartbeat! Unfortunately, if you don't make a "production" its Armageddon......


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I'm a big card guy. Birthdays (13 in our family), anniversaries, Valentines day (one year I taped 22 Valentines cards throughout the house, in her car, in her purse), cards from her pets, etc... It always bothered my that my wife couldn't be bothered just getting me a card for my birthday. 

In marriage counseling I brought up the fact that she never got me a card for anything BUT would rip me a new one if I didn't get her one. After that for a couple of years she'd get me a birthday card but eventually that stopped. I just live with it and don't get bent out of shape any more.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I've learned to get used to snubs like this, that's not to say that they should be common in a "real" marriage. I think celebrating milestones is important and if she shows a pattern of now doing something for you where you don't forget her, I would start getting concerned. Your first anniversary should have been important to both of you. I'm surprised that she would forget.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

HarleyNJ said:


> I am, though, feeling unappreciated, disrespected and that when it comes to reciprocity of effort, acknowledgement that she fell short.


Really the "why" is not as important as this sentence right here. 

To have a good marriage this is discussed and resolved, period. Nothing you said in this post is unreasonable. If my wife told me the sentence you wrote I would be worried that I better do a better job. Things like this should not fester. If you don't want to say it to her face write her a letter, but don't let it go and stay locked up in the "resentment jar" that is where long term problems happen.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Celes said:


> First of all it is absolutely silly to assume every woman makes a big deal out of anniversaries "because woman". Every woman is different. Have you been clear to her that holidays and gifts matter to you? My hubsnand is bad with these. And when he forgets I make sure to communicate that I would like for him to try harder. He usually does.


In my world, all I want for anniversaries and stuff is a bottle of the good champagne and a great dinner together. It doesn't matter who buys the champagne or dinner since, um, it's "our" funds anyway. Sometimes both of us buy the champagne, which, yay, more for us! If either wants to go above and beyond and get a card or chocolate, sweet. If not, no big deal. I would HATE it if there were some expectation of gifts and cards for every occasion, hate it. Not my thing, especially if I'm supposed to magically buy something for him each time and vice versa. We send each other links to options for Christmas - last year, I asked for a taller step ladder that folds up nice and neat. 

Everyone does NOT see these milestones the same way, nor are their expectations the same. Especially when there are so freaking many milestones in a year!

The trick is to for a couple to be on the same page. Obviously, OP's wife is NOT into gifts and cards like he is. He can take offense or he can try to understand his wife, and be very clear what his expectations are specifically so he doesn't end up disappointing himself by having expectations his wife is just never going to meet because she isn't wired that way.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

You sir are being treated beyond poorly. In fact, your W appears to think you nothing but a paycheck. Sorry, that is my take on the non-caring attitude of special dates. You are an afterthought at best.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

BetrayedDad said:


> Me personally? Who cares!!!
> 
> I don't care about anniversaries, birthdays, fathers day, Christmas, valentines, etc.
> 
> ...


But if your significant other likes to make a big deal out of special dates you make a big deal out of it. Perhaps the OP did not throw that out there to his W.


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

BetrayedDad said:


> Me personally? Who cares!!!
> 
> I don't care about anniversaries, birthdays, fathers day, Christmas, valentines, etc.
> 
> ...


I completely agree with this. And I am a woman.

I hate Hallmark holidays and I hate materialistic crap. Christmas in particular is ruined by it.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Hope Shimmers said:


> I completely agree with this. And I am a woman.
> 
> I hate Hallmark holidays and I hate materialistic crap. Christmas in particular is ruined by it.


A wedding anniversary is not a Hallmark holiday though. It is a very personal day for each couple, its not like Valentines day or something. It marks an important day, and unless both people agree to ignore it, it should be acknowledged.


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

3Xnocharm said:


> A wedding anniversary is not a Hallmark holiday though. It is a very personal day for each couple, its not like Valentines day or something. It marks an important day, and unless both people agree to ignore it, it should be acknowledged.


Then acknowledge it. I didn't say it shouldn't be acknowledged at all, but there are ways to acknowledge a special date other than buying cards and gifts.

Has anyone seen how much a Hallmark card costs these days? You can barely buy one for less than $5.00. Five dollars for a mass-produced card with a sentiment that someone else wrote! Ridiculous...

In the case of this OP's wife, it sounds like she just blatantly ignored the entire day. This is a lot different than just not buying a card or gift.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Hope Shimmers said:


> Then acknowledge it. I didn't say it shouldn't be acknowledged at all, but there are ways to acknowledge a special date other than buying cards and gifts.
> 
> Has anyone seen how much a Hallmark card costs these days? You can barely buy one for less than $5.00. Five dollars for a mass-produced card with a sentiment that someone else wrote! Ridiculous...
> 
> *In the case of this OP's wife, it sounds like she just blatantly ignored the entire day. This is a lot different than just not buying a card or gift.*


Bingo. This is why I believe the OP is viewed as an afterthought who is viewed as a paycheck. Completely unappreciated.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Yeswecan said:


> Bingo. This is why I believe the OP is viewed as an afterthought who is viewed as a paycheck. Completely unappreciated.


Yep. My feelings were hurt FOR him.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Hope Shimmers said:


> I completely agree with this. And I am a woman.
> 
> I hate Hallmark holidays and I hate materialistic crap. Christmas in particular is ruined by it.


My wife is like this. I absolutely have to do something for her at each one of these Hallmark holiday's. I didn't used to care much about them but now I have to know when each is so I comply. I don't need to have anything done for me, but if I have to do for her, she should do for me and never does.


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