# My Son. What do I say???



## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

So my Son is picking up that something isn't quite right to why Mommy and Daddy aren't together anymore. 

Today he said- "Why isn't mom allowed to live here with us"? 

He also said "Did mom do something wrong to you Daddy. Did she hurt you, why can't she be around you, She's around me and I really like being around mommy. Why don't you want to"? 


Well, I distracted him and skirted the question. I think his mind is occupied. For now. 

TAM what do I say. These questions are only going to become more and more frequent. What do I say? 

I am worried about my son. I am fine. My ONLY concern is him. 

I read this article at marriage builders and got me thinking about the emotional state of my kid. 
Infidelity: The Lessons Children Learn

I am very, very concerned. 

Why do people do this to their families and their children? 

WTF is wrong with them? 

I am getting angry at my ex now. 

Thanks TAM. I need help and too vent. 

I feel so sad for my son. I feel that maybe I made a mistake. I mean he's happy, but what's going to happen?


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## user_zero (Aug 30, 2013)

I have no idea how you should tell your son. but I know it's better to tell him the truth (considering his age) and tell him soon. if you lie to him.either he is going to find the real truth , which he is not ready for that OR he is going to find the reason in himself. he might think it is his fault. if that happens , convincing him otherwise would be a very hard. 
talking with a child counselor would be a very good idea.


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

He's 5, so as a young child he's just going to ask more and more questions. But, I don't want him to know about his moms affair. I mean, he's just a little kid. I want him to be innocent as long as possible. Not dredged down in the terrible sh!t adults do. 

Uggghh, I hate what she did.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

TheFlood117 said:


> He's 5, so as a young child he's just going to ask more and more questions. But, I don't want him to know about his moms affair. I mean, he's just a little kid. I want him to be innocent as long as possible. Not dredged down in the terrible sh!t adults do.
> 
> Uggghh, I hate what she did.


Do you know if he's asking her the same kind of questions?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He's 5. His questions show that he already knows that his mother did something to hurt you.

So you have to tell him. IF you do not you are teaching him to not be truthful. 

"Yes mommy hurt daddy. She does not want to be married to daddy. And I'm hurting so much from her rejection that I cannot be around her.

She is your mommy. You two over each other and always will. So it's good that you like to be around her.

I'm your daddy and I love you. So I like being around you too. You like being with me too, right?"

That's a good way to tell a 5 year old.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I don't see why a child needs to be told about adult issues. I divorced my ex when my boys were 2 and 5 and whenever they would ask questions i would tell them that sometimes adults just don't get along and can't live together. Then I'd tell them that it wasn't their fault, both of us loved them, and it was good we tried long enough to have them. That worked well. Should I have told them that he was an abusive pr!ck that treated me like crap? Or is the truth only apply to affairs? I realize it's tempting to tell them the truth when you're hurting, but how much truth will you tell them? This is more of a hypothetical and may not always apply, but lets say a spouse treats the other spouse poorly and then the spouse has an affair. What kind of truth do you tell the kids? Just that mommy/ daddy found someone else? Or will you also admit that you didn't treat mommy/daddy well? Something about the idea of telling a kid "the truth" smacks of revenge and is an unfair burden. Tell your son that grown ups don't always get along and it's not their fault. When he's older you can share more if he's interested.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> I don't see why a child needs to be told about adult issues. I divorced my ex when my boys were 2 and 5 and whenever they would ask questions i would tell them that sometimes adults just don't get along and can't live together. Then I'd tell them that it wasn't their fault, both of us loved them, and it was good we tried long enough to have them. That worked well.


That’s a good way to tell them. Older kids will continue to ask for more details. So that has to be handled as well.


lifeistooshort said:


> Should I have told them that he was an abusive pr!ck that treated me like crap? Or is the truth only apply to affairs?


If he as an abusive pr!ck to you, your children already knew it. They did not need to be told because they saw it.
My son at 5 old came out and told me that I needed to divorce his father because his after mistreated me. Kids are pretty smart. They know what is going on around them.


lifeistooshort said:


> I realize it's tempting to tell them the truth when you're hurting, but how much truth will you tell them? This is more of a hypothetical and may not always apply, but lets say a spouse treats the other spouse poorly and then the spouse has an affair. What kind of truth do you tell the kids? Just that mommy/ daddy found someone else? Or will you also admit that you didn't treat mommy/daddy well? Something about the idea of telling a kid "the truth" smacks of revenge and is an unfair burden. Tell your son that grown ups don't always get along and it's not their fault. When he's older you can share more if he's interested.


With an affair there are other issues. Has his son seen his wife with another man? A lot of times people in affairs involve their children.

My son’s father cheated. I found a present for him hidden in his closet. When I asked my son where it came from, he said that “her name” gave it to him for his birthday. When I asked how “her name” is, my son said, you know daddy’s friend. The lady he takes me to visit all the time. My son was 3.5 years old. This is the first clue I had of an affair. 

Kids know a lot about what is going on around them.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

TheFlood117 said:


> So my Son is picking up that something isn't quite right to why Mommy and Daddy aren't together anymore.
> 
> Today he said- "Why isn't mom allowed to live here with us"?
> 
> ...


I feel you brother. My kids are 5 and 8. Dday was nearly 1 year ago. We attempted R for 10 weeks but I discovered I could never be with a woman who would do something so heinous. My kids have not asked that question yet. Getting back together after she cheated and left, then breaking it off again was brutal for them. I knew I had to try R, but couldn't do it.

I too struggle with this. One day they will have to know. I'm not willing to take equal blame for the disintegration of our family. That was 1 person and 1 person only who made that call for all 4 of us.

Like you, I am fine. It's seeing my kids in pain that hurts me the most and causes intense anger and hatred toward her.

I have no advice - just sympathy and understanding.

Best to you and your lovely child.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> That’s a good way to tell them. Older kids will continue to ask for more details. So that has to be handled as well.
> 
> If he as an abusive pr!ck to you, your children already knew it. They did not need to be told because they saw it.
> My son at 5 old came out and told me that I needed to divorce his father because his after mistreated me. Kids are pretty smart. They know what is going on around them.
> ...


Wow, he brought your son around the posow? Lowlife.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

TheFlood117 said:


> He's 5, so as a young child he's just going to ask more and more questions. But, I don't want him to know about his moms affair. I mean, he's just a little kid. I want him to be innocent as long as possible. Not dredged down in the terrible sh!t adults do.
> 
> Uggghh, I hate what she did.


Figure out a simplistic answer, but do it now. It will surface, like my ex fiances history rewrite, years later. 

It was undone, by her continued lying, but my daughter resented me for quite a few years because I wouldn't "badmouth" her mom. I regret not setting it correct and trying to be the "nice guy." Not saying you have to be a jerk, but you can find something simplistic to say.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

My son was also 5yo when my ex and I split. He inquired on a number of occasions why we could not all live together anymore. I get how heartbreaking it is to hear those words, I really do. 

What I said to my own son, is that there were some things between Mommy and Daddy that we tried really hard to work through for a long time, but in the end we just couldn't. I assured him that we loved him more than anything in the whole world, and told him that the very best thing that came from his dad and I ever getting married was him. Because of that I wouldn't change anything. That no matter what we would love him forever no matter what changes between us take place.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Pepper123 said:


> My son was also 5yo when my ex and I split. He inquired on a number of occasions why we could not all live together anymore. I get how heartbreaking it is to hear those words, I really do.
> 
> What I said to my own son, is that there were some things between Mommy and Daddy that we tried really hard to work through for a long time, but in the end we just couldn't. I assured him that we loved him more than anything in the whole world, and told him that the very best thing that came from his dad and I ever getting married was him. Because of that I wouldn't change anything. That no matter what we would love him forever no matter what changes between us take place.


Flood

I like Peppers approach.

But I urge you to do one other thing when you talk to your son.

Let your wife know he is asking questions. 

And.

If you two coparent well let her be there when you answer his question. He will see a unified front.

And your STBX will see you doing the right thing by her.

She will also feel another consequence of her affair and hopefully a valuable lesson....

HM


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

This is difficult

He's only five and of course he will even at that age be able to pick up on many things basic rights and wrongs 

However he will not be able to in any way gain the most important thing - peace of mind - should he know the details of your split, indeed he will comprehend very little and could end up confused.

It IS a minefield this - my own kids were 9/10 yrs and I did tell them much although again not the gory details but fortunately for them and me at these ages they understood a lot more about how adults interact and can therefore gain simplistic understanding and of course peace of mind.

very stbxw wanted to tell them nothing (to protect herself) but they were going out of their minds not knowing anything, just that 'mummy had hurt daddy repeatedly over time and so she had to leave'. Their questions were centred on "romantic moments" and when people say vows at wedding 'don't they promise to stay with each other' etc etc They even mentioned being out with her when she was with OM and felt she was doing something wrong - incredible

That convinced me that they could know a bit more and with gentle explanations they absolutely got it and were a thousand times 'happier' about it all. 

In all the fall out it was one of the best decisions I made. Of course she was not happy, furious in fact but then when cheaters get 'outed' to anybody they get furious 

....so what 

Typically she was still thinking of herself even then, even when it was obvious that the kids needed to be told or would continue going through the wringer

For you 5 yrs old is not so easy although from one point of view you save having to explain anything in depth because he won't get the truth as you know it.

I console myself with the thought that later when they are old enough to fully understand everything then ... well ... I wouldn't want to be my stbxw for anything


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> I don't see why a child needs to be told about adult issues. I divorced my ex when my boys were 2 and 5 and whenever they would ask questions i would tell them that sometimes adults just don't get along and can't live together. Then I'd tell them that it wasn't their fault, both of us loved them, and it was good we tried long enough to have them. That worked well. Should I have told them that he was an abusive pr!ck that treated me like crap? Or is the truth only apply to affairs? I realize it's tempting to tell them the truth when you're hurting, but how much truth will you tell them? This is more of a hypothetical and may not always apply, but lets say a spouse treats the other spouse poorly and then the spouse has an affair. What kind of truth do you tell the kids? Just that mommy/ daddy found someone else? Or will you also admit that you didn't treat mommy/daddy well? Something about the idea of telling a kid "the truth" smacks of revenge and is an unfair burden. Tell your son that grown ups don't always get along and it's not their fault. When he's older you can share more if he's interested.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 I like this approach. It's not lying and it's not divulging any nasty details. 

At least this way, it's in the open and it's a whole lot better then the two of you at each others throat and the house so full of tension that you could cut it with a knife. No kid deserves that.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

If you do not tell him, he will think it is his fault. That is never good.


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

Thanks guys and gals for all your advice and support. 

I think I'll do what 6301 said and maybe have the ex involved as well. I asked my son if he'd ask his mom the same thing. He said he did and she told him that she did "something very mean to me and sometimes adults and mommies and daddy's hurt each other and they can't be around each other." But I think, he wants my input as well, he's around me the most and him and I have really, really gotten close. 

I was very angry and I had to split from the thread a bit quickly. But nothing an 1 hour on a heavy bag and some sparring won't alleviate. 

I just cannot fathom why people cheat. Especially when young children are involved. I just don't get it. 

And I'm glad I don't. 

Thanks TAM. 

Flood out.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> "Yes mommy hurt daddy. She does not want to be married to daddy. And I'm hurting so much from her rejection that I cannot be around her.



That is not the truth.

Tell your son:

Mom's and dad's when they get married do not have BF's or GF's.

Well mom had a BF an went on dates with OM (insert OM's name).

What mom did is known as having an affair.


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## BradWesley (May 24, 2013)

theroad said:


> That is not the truth.
> 
> Tell your son:
> 
> ...


Dude, the boy is 5 y/o. He has no concept of what an affair is. Why don't you stop and smell what you're shoveling!


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## Gonna Make It (Dec 3, 2012)

Theroad,

You are the same guy who would tell a 2 year old in graphic detail where babies come from, wouldn't you? 

I see nothing wrong with what she said, provided the kid is young. Now if she were saying this to a teenager, then I would agree with you. But this is a 5 yr old. Why poison his view of his mother just because she hurt you? Why hurt him more than he is currently hurting?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

It is okay to be angry, at least you have a good outlet.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

I was exactly 5 when my parents came into the living room and told us dad has to go somewhere and is leaving. 

My 2 sisters and I said, ok bye daddy. Not knowing at our age what the heck they meant. They divorced 1 year later. 

I remember that because its an event in my life that will forever stay in my memory. 

Try and make it as easy as you can. He won't ever forget this time in his life...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

elegirl said:


> he's 5. His questions show that he already knows that his mother did something to hurt you.
> 
> So you have to tell him. If you do not you are teaching him to not be truthful.
> 
> ...


masterful


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

theroad said:


> That is not the truth.
> 
> Tell your son:
> 
> ...


This illustrates my earlier point. 

NO no - You cannot tell a 5 yr old this. It will confuse him even more 

My then 9/10, now 10/11 yr olds could get this because these were the kind of questions they kept asking endlessly 

"Dad, Why did mum have have lots of boyfriends"
"Was *** one of them because we were with her and him at etc etc ....."
"Is D***** also another one Dad?" 
"Was ***** from *** also another one?"
"But what about the vows at weddings?" 

With my two once they started this they never stopped so I tried get very stbxw on board with somehow gently explaining herself to them in a way that would help her and them. I said anything that was not 'truth based' they would later see as her (and me actually) lying to them 

She told me to "fk off" and I was "trying to apportion blame"

She had her chance. Next time they asked questions I sat them down and told whatever they wanted to know but without the sexual content just sticking to "romantic moments" the concept that they understood very well 

Result - they stopped asking, understood the nuts and bolts, were content with that, realised none of it had anything to do with them and sure realised by her not wanting them to know anything that she was in fact lying all the time

Her choice not mine 

The sad thing of course and one that you cannot stop is that all this makes them 'grow up' too quick - nomatter what their ages). You wish they did not have to learn and experience the split of a whole family but unfortunately that is not in the hands of a betrayed spouse is it!?

You have to gauge age and personalities before you tell them anything but with sensitivity and doing it in stages of age you can imo minimise the damage

_____

As a side note to this a few days after my telling the kids, she, in fury, sat them down and told them about the birds and the bees !!!?!?!
Which of course then got them asking her how that related to her "other men"

Complete madness ! I let her try and explain her arse out of that one !


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

crushedandbroken said:


> Theroad,
> 
> You are the same guy who would tell a 2 year old in graphic detail where babies come from, wouldn't you?
> 
> I see nothing wrong with what she said, provided the kid is young. Now if she were saying this to a teenager, then I would agree with you. But this is a 5 yr old. Why poison his view of his mother just because she hurt you? Why hurt him more than he is currently hurting?


Please show me where I said anything about telling 2 yo's anything.

Children at 4 know that people couple off. Mom and dad are a couple. They know that people date. They themselves can have a crush.

Telling a 4 yo that mom/dad dated someone else is not graphic or detailed.

Telling a 4 yo that mom/dad do not have BF/GF and go on dates with them. That is not graphic, detailed, though it is teaching them right from wrong.

Further it teaches the right dating from wrong dating. Mom and dad go on dates is right. WW/WH going on dates with AP is wrong.

To teach which dating is wrong makes it appropriate to give that bad behavior a name. Hence mom/dad had an affair. Not graphic and not detail.

Appropriate to tell the name of the bad BF/GF that destroyed the family. So the child must be told the AP's name.

The child will be less poisoned by being honest with them when they are young the making them live a lie until they reach their teens or adult hood before they are told that they were lied to.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

theroad said:


> Children at 4 know that people couple off. Mom and dad are a couple. They know that people date. They themselves can have a crush.
> 
> Telling a 4 yo that mom/dad dated someone else is not graphic or detailed.
> 
> ...


Look I'm not being funny but your constant reiteration that "dating" this "dating" that, that a 4 yr understands the concept of dating is ....complete rubbish, sorry - but it is 

4 yr olds have a crush !

I wonder what on earth has got inside the head of a 4 yr old for he or she to have "crushes" or 'date'

Pleeease


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

One of the hardest things to deal with was seeing my family torn apart; my children no longer having their Dad around all the time just because he made a decision to bring the OW in and didn't want to let her go so I can really relate to seeing your child hurt by all of this.

My youngest children were 6 and 8 when we told them we were getting divorced. I do not agree that they need any details at this age. We assured them that we loved them, but we could not get along anymore and so we needed to live apart. Reassuring your son that he is loved by both his parents and each of you will be in his life is all he needs to know. As my kids get older and start asking questions, then I will give them more details if they need it. Too often I see a BS telling the children everything and more to hurt the WS, but that to me is just selfish and only hurts the children. It is tempting to do-and I even had a couple evil thoughts when I imagined myself doing it-but truly it isn't beneficial to anyone much less the children and they have to be put first here.


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## Gonna Make It (Dec 3, 2012)

Theroad,

What I am saying is that at 5 yr old, they do not need a play by play. They need to know that even if momma and daddy are no longer together it does not mean that either of them loves the kid any less. And they need to know that love is unconditional. Talking to them about how your love of WS was conditional only increases their insecurity.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

crushedandbroken said:


> Theroad,
> 
> What I am saying is that at 5 yr old, they do not need a play by play. They need to know that even if momma and daddy are no longer together it does not mean that either of them loves the kid any less. And they need to know that love is unconditional. Talking to them about how your love of WS was conditional only increases their insecurity.


*Agreed totally! There is a time and a place for most everything. When this 5 year old child finally matures, would then be the proper time for that "little talk" with him about the ethics of committed love, cheating, and lying!*


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

TheFlood117 said:


> I think I'll do what 6301 said and maybe have the ex involved as well. I asked my son if he'd ask his mom the same thing. He said he did and she told him that she did "something very mean to me and sometimes adults and mommies and daddy's hurt each other and they can't be around each other." But I think, he wants my input as well, he's around me the most and him and I have really, really gotten close.


That's actually a very positive sign for a WW. They lie so often and so well, it's actually a surprise that she didn't lie to your son too.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

So Flood did you and your WW have that conversation together with your son?


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

Update- Haven't had that talk with son yet. He hasn't asked and we are not going to push it. If it comes up we will handle it. She's getting kinda nasty right now. The Divorce is only 6 day's from being finalized and for the last 2 weeks she's gone from one extreme to another. 

The death of a relationship. I guess people handle it differently. 

I'm doing good, staying healthy working and enjoying my life. Son is doing great. It is amazing how he has handled this. He is my inspiration to be a better man. Amazing kid.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

TheFlood117 said:


> Update- Haven't had that talk with son yet. He hasn't asked and we are not going to push it. If it comes up we will handle it. She's getting kinda nasty right now. The Divorce is only 6 day's from being finalized and for the last 2 weeks she's gone from one extreme to another.
> 
> The death of a relationship. I guess people handle it differently.
> 
> I'm doing good, staying healthy working and enjoying my life. Son is doing great. It is amazing how he has handled this. He is my inspiration to be a better man. Amazing kid.


Good for you. And I think it is good the divorce is bothering her. 

Take comfort in the fact she is feeling some of the consequences for her lousy actions.

And those consequences are actually bothering her.

She did not expect to be divorced at this stage of her life.

Is your STBX still working at the same real estate office as the "tool"?

HM


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

TheFlood117 said:


> Update- Haven't had that talk with son yet. He hasn't asked and we are not going to push it. If it comes up we will handle it. She's getting kinda nasty right now. The Divorce is only 6 day's from being finalized and for the last 2 weeks she's gone from one extreme to another.
> 
> The death of a relationship. I guess people handle it differently.
> 
> I'm doing good, staying healthy working and enjoying my life. Son is doing great. It is amazing how he has handled this. He is my inspiration to be a better man. Amazing kid.


I don't think you need to tell more details than are warranted or necessary, but answer the question to their satisfaction and don't lie.

The children's pain is there. Nothing you can do about it. If they want to know the truth, tell them. It helps them reach closure too. If they don't ask, don't volunteer it if you can help it.

Good for you brother. I hope you are doing well.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Outstanding update. I am very happy for you. 

You will be so much better off without her as your spouse. 

WD
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> Good for you. And I think it is good the divorce is bothering her.
> 
> Take comfort in the fact she is feeling some of the consequences for her lousy actions.
> 
> ...



No she quit after I exposed. She really didn't feel comfortable being there anymore. She is working tho.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

TheFlood117 said:


> No she quit after I exposed. She really didn't feel comfortable being there anymore. She is working tho.


Good. I am glad she is working. 

Keep being you Flood.


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

Will do. Thanks TAM.


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