# I've been sleeping with a girl that has a boyfriend of 3 years



## Michael1996 (Apr 23, 2020)

I met this girl named Fi 3 years ago. We kind of fancied eachother, but we lived in different cities, so we didn’t pursue anything.
A couple of months later, she got a boyfriend. I felt a little hurt, but I wasn’t all that bothered since nothing could’ve happened between us.
Three years later, I decided to text her, as I had moved to the same city as her. We got chatting away, and we went on a “friendly” date going bowling (she’s still in that same relationship btw).
We ended up sleeping together that very night. It became a thing where we were meeting up secretly every week or two, for 5-6 months.
At first, I will admit that I was only in it for a bit of fun, but after the first two dates, I ended up really liking her. You could say I set up a trap there for myself... She also admitted, however, that she also started having subtle feelings for me too.
You’d think she may not have felt fulfilled in her current relationship, which would make sense why she would cheat. But she’s been telling me she’s delighted in her ongoing relationship, and that she loves him, that she thinks he’s great overall and wouldn’t break up with him for any reason.
She wasn’t telling me this to make me jealous or anything; she was truthful about it. I could see it whenever they’d sometimes chat with each other on the phone when I was right next to her in bed right after we had had sex...
We haven’t met for about a month now because of the pandemic, but we have been talking quite seriously about this whole situation. She is contemplating never to see me again, which left me devastated.
Overall, I feel very hurt in this whole thing, even though I’m just her side thing and I know I kind of put myself in this situation. I feel kind of bad for the guy she’s in a relationship with. He has seen our texts from her phone before, three years ago. So he knows of me but doesn’t know me and her have been meeting up. She promised him she would stop texting me, that obviously didn’t happen.
I’ve been very tempted just to text the guy and tell him about everything, how much of a *** an immature his girl is and has been seeing me for the past five months. I'd also mention to him that she has also cheated on him with some other guy she met on holiday, which she claims to feel guilty about too, but I feel like I’d be acting upon revenge, hate and hurt. And I know the news would devastate him.
The one thing that is stopping me from texting him is that it just feels evil to ruin what they have going, and I could potentially be ruining something good that they have.
I’m not here to be judged. This is my first time here, and I felt like sharing this as I’m going through quite a dark period in my life. This situation has been playing on repeat in my head 24/7 and it's making me more depressed and anxious by the day..
Thank you.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Tell him and block her. He's wasting his life on someone that doesn't love him, is risking his emotional and physical well being, and who has no integrity.

Then go and do some deep introspection, because your level of integrity here is right about zero as well.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Michael1996 said:


> but we have been talking quite seriously about this whole situation. She is contemplating never to see me again, which left me devastated.


I wouldn't be too worried about it Dawg. She has as least two stooges on a string and ain't likely to give either up voluntarily.


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## Michael1996 (Apr 23, 2020)

Yeah you're right about that, but she really does love him, and isn't cheating on him out of spite or anything or because she doesn't feel fulfilled. I'm pretty sure she's just insecure about herself and as you said, lacking integrity.

I agree that Im also lacking integrity, but it has come to a cost, where I'm feeling miserable af, depressed and low, and have definitely learnt my lesson here. It just annoys me that a girl like her would just get away with a perfect relationship, whilst still doing ****ed up things.

Other than that, they both seem really happy, as long as he doesn't know. Which is why I'm hesitating telling him, cause if I did, the only outcome of this would be causing another 2 people feeling miserable and a possibly good relationship would be ruined


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Michael1996 said:


> Yeah you're right about that, but she really does love him, and isn't cheating on him out of spite or anything or because she doesn't feel fulfilled. I'm pretty sure she's just insecure about herself and as you said, lacking integrity.
> 
> I agree that Im also lacking integrity, but it has come to a cost, where I'm feeling miserable af, depressed and low, and have definitely learnt my lesson here. It just annoys me that a girl like her would just get away with a perfect relationship, whilst still doing ****ed up things.
> 
> Other than that, they both seem really happy, as long as he doesn't know. Which is why I'm hesitating telling him, cause if I did, the only outcome of this would be causing another 2 people feeling miserable and a possibly good relationship would be ruined


No, you're not telling him because you don't want to blow it with her. What a joke.

If you actually cared about what happened to this poor guy, you'd have already told him. This is all about you and always has been always about you.

She is incapable of loving anyone, including you.


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## Michael1996 (Apr 23, 2020)

VladDracul said:


> I wouldn't be too worried about it Dawg. She has as least two stooges on a string and ain't likely to give either up voluntarily.


Thanks buddy. Well she's willingly wanting to give me up atm...which has just made me feel like a piece of ****.
I just don't know if I should give all of this up and move on, and say to myself it's not my problem whether he gets hurt in the future. It almost makes me sick that I have the power to wreck that relationship, as they seem to be in a fairly healthy relationship


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## Michael1996 (Apr 23, 2020)

Marduk said:


> No, you're not telling him because you don't want to blow it with her. What a joke.
> 
> If you actually cared about what happened to this poor guy, you'd have already told him. This is all about you and always has been always about you.
> 
> She is incapable of loving anyone, including you.


Naa I'm cutting her off her either way, whether I tell him or not. 
I'm most likely not going to tell him and just back away from the situation completely tbh and get some headspace from all this


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Take a moment and put yourself in the BF's position. If you were him, wouldn't you want to know? I would guess, yes.
Take a look at this girl. She is a self-absorbed individual that deals in deceit and using people. She has no integrity or moral standards. She is basically using both of you to satisfy her own personal needs and agenda.
Without a doubt, tell him and dispose of this piece of trash like the human refuse she is.
Learn from this experience, and strive not to put yourself in a similar position again.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Don't text him, that's between your fwb and him.

If you do, it's almost guaranteed to make your fwb a bit angry for intruding into her space where she was dealing with things her way and had trusted you thus far to not interfere with her choices. 

If there's any chance she may come to a realization that it's you she wants and act on it, you'll cripple that chance by surprise text bombing the bf.

You knew you were taking a chance of a mess by sleeping with her and I don't really disagree with you for your choice but with taking that road you have to own it and deal with feeling bad on your own.

If you text the bf or turn into a needy type of fwb you'll kill any chance she may ask you to continue or she may break up with said bf.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

If you're not scared of STDs and she still wants to sleep with you, it wouldn't be the end of the world if you enjoyed it some more.

But, you, and only you, have to deal with your own feelings.


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## Michael1996 (Apr 23, 2020)

Tdbo said:


> Take a moment and put yourself in the BF's position. If you were him, wouldn't you want to know? I would guess, yes.
> Take a look at this girl. She is a self-absorbed individual that deals in deceit and using people. She has no integrity or moral standards. She is basically using both of you to satisfy her own personal needs and agenda.
> Without a doubt, tell him and dispose of this piece of trash like the human refuse she is.
> Learn from this experience, and strive not to put yourself in a similar position again.


Thanks buddy, this was a useful and nice response that I needed.
Yes, if I was in his shoes, I'd want to know for sure. She has told me she's felt bad and guilty about all this, but I can tell she's a bit incapable of taking a strong strict decision.

Regardless, if she's feeling this way, she may have learnt a lesson as well, hence why she doesn't want to see me anymore and she may not cheat again in the future and their relationship might go on to something blissful. I'd honestly feel very ****ing guilty by telling him and would **** me up a little in the head as I really can't think rationally during the depressive days


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Tdbo said:


> Take a moment and put yourself in the BF's position. If you were him, wouldn't you want to know? I would guess, yes.
> Take a look at this girl. She is a self-absorbed individual that deals in deceit and using people. She has no integrity or moral standards. She is basically using both of you to satisfy her own personal needs and agenda.
> Without a doubt, tell him and dispose of this piece of trash like the human refuse she is.
> Learn from this experience, and strive not to put yourself in a similar position again.


Sorry for this straying a little.

@Tdbo , but why does this become a responsibility of the OP to run tattling to the bf?

He doesn't know the bf, and he's giving the gf a credit for being an adult and handling her business.

The OP didn't take the bf to raise.

Is the whole thing not ideal in all respect? Granted, but everyone involved is an adult.


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## Michael1996 (Apr 23, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Don't text him, that's between your fwb and him.
> 
> If you do, it's almost guaranteed to make your fwb a bit angry for intruding into her space where she was dealing with things her way and had trusted you thus far to not interfere with her choices.
> 
> ...


This was also a good response, thanks buddy.
I have decided that I don't want anything serious to do with this girl, I'm going to be done with her and stop talking to her within the next week, whether I tell her bf or not.
So I wouldn't care of I killed by chances with her. But you're right about you saying that she has trusted me on this and would feel betrayed by me.

I just feel it's not my business to interfere with someone else's relationship and I should just try and move on, even though it has killed me inside, and have built up this anger and hurt within me and low-key believe she doesn't deserve what she has


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Sorry for this straying a little.
> 
> @Tdbo , but why does this become a responsibility of the OP to run tattling to the bf?
> 
> ...


It's called developing some character. The duped boyfriend deserves to have informed consent that he is risking his immediate health and his emotional and financial future on a faithless tart.

Do you think you have a right to know, to consent to, sticking your pecker in a cesspool? How about making a serious emotional and financial investment in a cesspool?


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

Michael1996 said:


> I just feel it's not my business to interfere with someone else's relationship and I should just try and move on, even though it has killed me inside, and have built up this anger and hurt within me and low-key believe she doesn't deserve what she hasn’t


Not judging you as a coward, but this is a cowardly decision in my view, to know the right thing to do, but choose not to do it. You admitted you’d definitely want to know. Imagine how he’ll feel when he finds out one day what was really happening. Could be 20 years from now when they have kids and this comes to light and blows up a family. But hey, not your problem right?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

OP. Don't fk married women or women who have boyfriends.

Don't flirt with them or go on dates with them.

It really is that simple. It just means you're low.

If being a scrounging rat doesn't appeal to you, stop it.


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## Michael1996 (Apr 23, 2020)

gr8ful1 said:


> Not judging you as a coward, but this is a cowardly decision in my view, to know the right thing to do, but choose not to do it. You admitted you’d definitely want to know. Imagine how he’ll feel when he finds out one day what was really happening. Could be 20 years from now when they have kids and this comes to light and blows up a family. But hey, not your problem right?


What if she's learnt her lesson, she never cheats again and they go on to have a wonderful marriage and kids? 
Yes, she cheated, and it's in the past, what's done is done, and she's a ***** for doing that, but mistakes happen.
I won't have anything to do with her in the next week, whether I tell him or not btw.


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## Michael1996 (Apr 23, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> OP. Don't fk married women or women who have boyfriends.
> 
> Don't flirt with them or go on dates with them.
> 
> ...


Yeah alright I know...no need to beat me up more when Im already down


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Michael1996 said:


> Yeah alright I know...no need to beat me up more when Im already down


You don't seem to realize that you are one of the villains here. You are only seeing this from the perspective of how it affects you personally and you are still wallowing in the dumpster as you do it.

I'm challenging you to rise above the low level life you have been living and care about more than just your feelings.

You will be a better person for it and attract nice human women instead of lizards like the one you messed around with.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Michael1996 said:


> Naa I'm cutting her off her either way, whether I tell him or not.
> I'm most likely not going to tell him and just back away from the situation completely tbh and get some headspace from all this


So, in other words, it's all about you and the easiest exit you can make from this situation that you helped create.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Michael1996 said:


> Yeah alright I know...no need to beat me up more when Im already down


What you seem to be totally missing here is that you're down because of your own decisions and you've helped take another guy down with you... and he doesn't even know it yet.


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## Michael1996 (Apr 23, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> You don't seem to realize that you are one of the villains here. You are only seeing this from the perspective of how it affects you personally and you are still wallowing in the dumpster as you do it.
> 
> I'm challenging you to rise above the low level life you have been living and care about more than just your feelings.
> 
> You will be a better person for it and attract nice human women instead of lizards like the one you messed around with.


I don't know if you've seen my other responses, but I have great concern for the guy that she's in a relationship with(only just now ofcourse, before I was too immature and inconsiderate to realise). Which is why I am mostly likely taking the decision to walk away from this mess and not message her bf. I could be revengeful and message him everything that she's done and then walk away, but I think that'll just cause even more of a mess and it's almost like taking 2 other people down with me, you know? 

I've obviously learnt my lesson here, and won't be dealing with any girl who's in a relationship. Besides, I'm not the only one who knows she's cheated, her sister also knows that she's cheated on her bf. Not that that makes a difference, but I'm just not the revengeful guy that wants to see more souls suffer in all this. 
Call me weak and coward or whatever, Ive only come on here to seek some help from the community, and I do know that I need to start seeing things in a different perspective


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

I would suggest you fade into the distance.


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## Michael1996 (Apr 23, 2020)

Marduk said:


> What you seem to be totally missing here is that you're down because of your own decisions and you've helped take another guy down with you... and he doesn't even know it yet.


I totally know though that the only person who has taken me down is myself! Ofcourse I know, I'm not blaming the girl or anyone else here


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Sorry for this straying a little.
> 
> @Tdbo , but why does this become a responsibility of the OP to run tattling to the bf?
> 
> ...


It is simply called doing the right thing, period.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Michael1996 said:


> Thanks buddy, this was a useful and nice response that I needed.
> Yes, if I was in his shoes, I'd want to know for sure. She has told me she's felt bad and guilty about all this, but I can tell she's a bit incapable of taking a strong strict decision.
> 
> Regardless, if she's feeling this way, she may have learnt a lesson as well, hence why she doesn't want to see me anymore and she may not cheat again in the future and their relationship might go on to something blissful. I'd honestly feel very **ing guilty by telling him and would ** me up a little in the head as I really can't think rationally during the depressive days


Cheaters cheat, period.
The only possible way that she could change is through IC and doing the hard work to change herself.
By not telling him, the only thing that he would be blissful in would be his ignorance.
He deserves the right to have agency in his relationship. He deserves to know that his GF is a stone cold liar.
The honorable thing to do is provide him the information he needs to make an informed decision about his relationship and his future.
He may experience some short term pain, but he will experience the long term gain of losing a cheater and all the ramifications of one.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Michael1996 said:


> I totally know though that the only person who has taken me down is myself! Ofcourse I know, I'm not blaming the girl or anyone else here


Well, you should realize that the woman you've been sleeping with has no integrity, and who knows how many other guys she's been sleeping with during this time as well. You should get an STD test for sure.

Secondarily, you should know that you've helped take this other dude down and he doesn't even know it. You helped take away his informed consent not only regarding his own sexual health but his emotional health as well. Imagine he marries this zero integrity woman, has a few kids with her that probably aren't even his, and then he finds out down the road about you and the many others that have come before and after you.

Tell him. You helped do this to him. The least you can do as a man - and I say that with a heaping dose of relativism - is tell him, man to man, what you have done to him. 

For once in your life, stand up and accept responsibility for what you have done to those you have hurt.

This is the path to integrity. You will be much happier on that path, even though it's harder. Think of it like working out - it hurts when you start, and after a while, you'd never go back to being weak.


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## Michael1996 (Apr 23, 2020)

Marduk said:


> Well, you should realize that the woman you've been sleeping with has no integrity, and who knows how many other guys she's been sleeping with during this time as well. You should get an STD test for sure.
> 
> Secondarily, you should know that you've helped take this other dude down and he doesn't even know it. You helped take away his informed consent not only regarding his own sexual health but his emotional health as well. Imagine he marries this zero integrity woman, has a few kids with her that probably aren't even his, and then he finds out down the road about you and the many others that have come before and after you.
> 
> ...


I'll have a real good think about this.

I regularly have a STD checks, and had one a month ago, and was all clean. 

I do realise I'm a villain here, if we put things in perspective though, she's the devil and I'm a pawn in this. I'd give her the chance first to come clean with her bf, and if she doesn't, I may just tell him.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

Michael1996 said:


> What if she's learnt her lesson, she never cheats again and they go on to have a wonderful marriage and kids?


You’re assuming they’d be done forever if he gets the truth. You don’t know that. The right thing to do is to give him agency - let him make his decision based on the truth. And this is a fact: if this truth stays hidden, it WILL forever impact his relationship negatively. He just won’t know why, until one day he does, as the truth will come out eventually. 



Michael1996 said:


> Yes, she cheated, and it's in the past, what's done is done, and she's a *** for doing that, but mistakes happen.


This wasn‘t a “mistake”. This was many deliberate decisions based on a lack of character and integrity. Don’t you think low character and integrity will bear itself out eventually in their relationship? She’s not going to magically change. Have some pity on this dude and save him from YEARS of pain!


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Michael1996 said:


> I do realise I'm a villain here, if we put things in perspective though, she's the devil and I'm a pawn in this. I'd give her the chance first to come clean with her bf, and if she doesn't, I may just tell him.


Yes, you are culpable in this.
However, you can still learn by your mistake and grow as a person.
If you simply learn to treat others the way that you yourself would want to be treated, you will come out of this a better person.
By your own admission, you have stated that if you were the BF, you would want to know that you are being cheated on.
Give the BF the knowledge he needs to make an informed decision. If he stays with her, then that's on him.
If he dumps her, that's on her. She is the one who chose to play and betray him.
However, you will have done the right thing in providing him accurate information, and allowing him to make an informed decision.
Just do the decent thing and tell him. You have no future with her anyhow.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Michael1996 said:


> I'll have a real good think about this.
> 
> I regularly have a STD checks, and had one a month ago, and was all clean.
> 
> I do realise I'm a villain here, if we put things in perspective though, she's the devil and I'm a pawn in this. I'd give her the chance first to come clean with her bf, and if she doesn't, I may just tell him.


So now you've been victimized and manipulated by her?

Stop trying to cast yourself as innocent in all this. Your capacity for self-delusion is obviously strong. You have an opportunity to grow and improve here, or you have an opportunity to reinforce your weakness and trenchant for playing the victim.

You did this. You did it knowingly, consciously, and willingly because you wanted to get off with this woman. You didn't care about her (admittedly in your first post), you didn't care about him (obviously), and you only started to care about anything here when you got scared and caught feelings for her.

Then you tried to soothe your poor little broken heart by making her the devil. She didn't victimize you. You victimized yourself, because you valued getting laid over valuing your own integrity.

And you certainly also valued getting laid over valuing his health and happiness, so stop trying to pretend you give a **** about how he feels now. If you believe that, you're deluding yourself, and if you don't, you're just lying.


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## Michael1996 (Apr 23, 2020)

Tdbo said:


> Yes, you are culpable in this.
> However, you can still learn by your mistake and grow as a person.
> If you simply learn to treat others the way that you yourself would want to be treated, you will come out of this a better person.
> By your own admission, you have stated that if you were the BF, you would want to know that you are being cheated on.
> ...


Thanks buddy. Yeah I knew ages ago that I didn't want a future with her in the first place, I was just letting my emotions get the worst of me and be a bit selfish.
I do agree on the "treat others as you'd like to be treated", this way I'll both respect others and even myself.
Anyway, thanks


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## Michael1996 (Apr 23, 2020)

Marduk said:


> So now you've been victimized and manipulated by her?
> 
> Stop trying to cast yourself as innocent in all this. Your capacity for self-delusion is obviously strong. You have an opportunity to grow and improve here, or you have an opportunity to reinforce your weakness and trenchant for playing the victim.
> 
> ...


Bro you've made your point and I've agreed to most of what you said. Can you back off a little and keep the agro down? I've accepted my mistakes and reasoning with everyone here.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

If she was married, my answer would be VERY different. In this case, she is not breaking her vows, she hasn't proclaimed herself for him in front of God and family. But she is a piece of crap. I would just end contact with her, and tell her she needs to really work on herself, and that she's being a terrible person to her boyfriend. Leave it at that and never talk to her again.

And in reality....if someone cheats with you, they will cheat ON you.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Michael1996 said:


> Bro you've made your point and I've agreed to most of what you said. Can you back off a little and keep the agro down? I've accepted my mistakes and reasoning with everyone here.


Fair enough.

This path is going to get hard for you, man. Really hard. If you want to learn from it, there's going to be more than a few long dark nights for you ahead. Far harder than any posts I or anyone else can make here, because you can't hide from yourself. Not really.

I encourage you to reflect critically on your role in all this, your role in past relationships, and what kind of man you want to be in future relationships. What kind of values and integrity you want to have.

This took time to get to this place, and it's going to take time getting out of it.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Gabriel said:


> If she was married, my answer would be VERY different. In this case, she is not breaking her vows, she hasn't proclaimed herself for him in front of God and family. But she is a piece of crap. I would just end contact with her, and tell her she needs to really work on herself, and that she's being a terrible person to her boyfriend. Leave it at that and never talk to her again.
> 
> And in reality....if someone cheats with you, they will cheat ON you.


Good answer.

This is the the reality of life. 

Imho too many folks, with the best intentions though I know, believe that the betrayed bf will automatically and without a doubt: agree with you, thank you, harbor no ill will towards you, and will appreciate your holier than thou, you've got his best interests at heart attitude. 

Now. Well after you've been sleeping with her multiple times.

And now that you yourself are irritated at her and want to throw a little grief her (and his) way.

It's not like you told him as soon as you found out.

You'd be telling him now solely to try and make yourself feel better. Don't try and kid yourself young man. 

The "being noble" time period has long lapsed.

The best thing for you is to just not see her anymore. They weren't married, are grown ups, you and she maybe learned some life lessons.

Move on. Don't waste any more time on this whole matter.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Good answer.
> 
> This is the the reality of life.
> 
> ...


Honor does not have a statute of limitations.

If you're in a hit and run and nobody saw you do it, do you take off because taking accountability for it will help alleviate your own guilt as a side effect? Or do you stop and face the music as best you can?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Gabriel said:


> If she was married, my answer would be VERY different. In this case, she is not breaking her vows, she hasn't proclaimed herself for him in front of God and family. But she is a piece of crap. I would just end contact with her, and tell her she needs to really work on herself, and that she's being a terrible person to her boyfriend. Leave it at that and never talk to her again.
> 
> And in reality....if someone cheats with you, they will cheat ON you.


Married or not, her boyfriend has a right to know what he is risking, physically, emotionally and financially by continuing with her.


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## Michael1996 (Apr 23, 2020)

Gabriel said:


> If she was married, my answer would be VERY different. In this case, she is not breaking her vows, she hasn't proclaimed herself for him in front of God and family. But she is a piece of crap. I would just end contact with her, and tell her she needs to really work on herself, and that she's being a terrible person to her boyfriend. Leave it at that and never talk to her again.
> 
> And in reality....if someone cheats with you, they will cheat ON you.


Yes I respect this. This whole story has given me trust issues for anyone. I'm 100% walking away, it's whether I tell the guy or not on the way out.
If I don't tell him, the only outcome would be me backing away from this and hopefully recover and their relationship turns out great, instead of telling him and making him have trust issues for the rest of his life and feel betrayed. It is very likely that he'll never find out if I don't intervene, so I might be saving him a lot of hurt by not saying anything, and hopefully the girl comes to her senses.
Anyway, thanks


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Michael1996 said:


> Yeah alright I know...no need to beat me up more when Im already down


One of these days Michael you may run into this tramps long term boyfriend and when you do I hope that you have more guts in a fight than you have in a relationship. 
But somehow I doubt it. 
You’re just another loser.
You can’t get your own woman so you get someone who spreads her legs for anyone who smiles nicely at her. 
But you continue to tell yourself that what you together have is “special” and you are being the better man by not telling her boyfriend about the ***** he’s dating.
Like I said just another loser.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Michael1996 said:


> Yes I respect this. This whole story has given me trust issues for anyone. I'm 100% walking away, it's whether I tell the guy or not on the way out.
> If I don't tell him, the only outcome would be me backing away from this and hopefully recover and their relationship turns out great, instead of telling him and making him have trust issues for the rest of his life and feel betrayed. It is very likely that he'll never find out if I don't intervene, so I might be saving him a lot of hurt by not saying anything, and hopefully the girl comes to her senses.
> Anyway, thanks


Or the outcome is that she continues to cheat on him because she got away with this one (and if you think she's going to stop with this one, you should stick around here more). He goes on to marry her, and she cheats on him the whole time. He catches an STD from her, or the kids he thinks are his actually aren't.

Or he finds out down the road himself after wasting more years on her, and is not only feeling betrayed but has wasted more of his life on her.

The odds of her wising up and being a good partner to him without confessing what she did and working through it are zero. And I totally mean that. Absolutely zero.

Just like you're never really going to work through this yourself without facing up to what your role in this is, she is never actually going to be a good partner without doing that herself.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

Michael1996 said:


> If I don't tell him, the only outcome would be me backing away from this and hopefully recover and their relationship turns out great, instead of telling him and making him have trust issues for the rest of his life and feel betrayed.


Here is where you are so sadly mistaken. You think you may be doing him a favor by NOT telling him. If you only took the time to read some of the heartbreaking stories of those who’ve been deceived a long time, and the far greater wreckage that occurs when this comes to light later, you would instantly realize how telling him NOW is the best thing by far. You also don’t realize that her getting “caught” by you telling him is actually the BEST thing for HER. Gives her a chance to reflect & POSSIBLY change BEFORE marriage, where she will otherwise continue to be a cheater.

It’s by far the BEST thing for BOTH of them for this ugly truth to be revealed NOW. I hope you’ll consider that.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I think you should tell the boyfriend. If I was him, I would be so mad that people knew and didn’t tell me. That’s humiliating. Everyone deserves to know the truth. And who knows, he might even stay with her after he knows.


Also, stop talking to her. NOW. Not next week. You say your a changed man, but your still talking to her.


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## Michael1996 (Apr 23, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> I think you should tell the boyfriend. If I was him, I would be so mad that people knew and didn’t tell me. That’s humiliating. Everyone deserves to know the truth. And who knows, he might even stay with her after he knows.
> 
> 
> Also, stop talking to her. NOW. Not next week. You say your a changed man, but your still talking to her.


I wanted to get advise from here first before I decide what actions I take.
I've decided to send her a final message today and stop talking to her for good.
Thank you


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

ConanHub said:


> Married or not, her boyfriend has a right to know what he is risking, physically, emotionally and financially by continuing with her.


Sure, but from her. It's not the OP's job, IMHO. They aren't married, until she has a ring on her finger she's technically free to do what she wants. For all we know, the boyfriend is seeing multiple people too. Why the F would OP want to get involved with this? These two people aren't even engaged. It was only recently that the girl expressed that she saw longer term future with her guy - up until then, maybe that dude was just another FwB that got there before the OP.

If he knew the boyfriend? Maybe then, I could see it. But he is a stranger to him. Just get out of there and leave them alone now that you know she wants to commit to the other guy. End of story.


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## scaredlion (Mar 4, 2017)

I know this a negative comment but I'm going to make it anyway. You are seriously lacking in two of the traits I consider that makes up a man...….Honor and Integrity. You knew about the other man and in your mind you said screw him. Should you tell him? Yes you should. Then go get her because you both are alike and deserve each other. You, like a lot of other men, does their thinking with the wrong head. I wish you well and I do wish the other man a much better life and partner.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Gabriel said:


> Sure, but from her. It's not the OP's job, IMHO. They aren't married, until she has a ring on her finger she's technically free to do what she wants. For all we know, the boyfriend is seeing multiple people too. Why the F would OP want to get involved with this? These two people aren't even engaged. It was only recently that the girl expressed that she saw longer term future with her guy - up until then, maybe that dude was just another FwB that got there before the OP.
> 
> If he knew the boyfriend? Maybe then, I could see it. But he is a stranger to him. Just get out of there and leave them alone now that you know she wants to commit to the other guy. End of story.


It's a character call. I don't think he will. It would go a ways towards him making better choices.

The boyfriend does have a right to be informed and OP might be in the position to do it where others aren't.

I'm thinking about the clueless victim here seeing as how the girl he trusts isn't and OP wasn't either.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Marduk said:


> Honor does not have a statute of limitations.
> 
> If you're in a hit and run and nobody saw you do it, do you take off because taking accountability for it will help alleviate your own guilt as a side effect? Or do you stop and face the music as best you can?


One stops, right then and there. But that analogy is nothing like the OPs situation.

One doesn't run over, see the victim, back up to run over them again, and repeat several times, then stop and go "whoops" my bad, thought you should know.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

So let's be clear here about a few things:


She may be the devil but so are you - you're no pawn or lesser evil.
This whole thread started out as you being concerned about yourself and what you were losing here - not out of concern for her boyfriend or her for that matter.
You went out with her to try and sleep with her knowing that she had a "great" relationship with this other guy. Until you realise that you have low moral standards and are broken, you are likely to repeat this behaviour with very little remorse.
And on the subject of her relationship with her bf, it certainly is not great! What you have is a cheating skank who sleeps around the first chance she gets and has a regular bf to keep her company too. You can come up with all kinds of reasons (self-esteem etc) but the basic fact is that she doesn't care enough to worry about it. On the other hand, you have an unaware guy who thinks everything is great and deserves something better.
And whoever said its not your job to inform him - that is bs. Its not your job to protect members of the public if you see an old lady being mugged on the street or needing help, but it is your responsibility as a human to do the right thing. In this case, you might not only help him but also her indirectly in making her face consequences and make better decisions in future. 
And you too need to face consequences in order to improve. I say this because right now you are playing the innocent victim - sure you say you accept that you are at fault too, but your other words and actions definitely say that you do not believe this.
And by the way, you did not "make" any decisions here - she was going to dump you!!!

Wake up and smell the vindaloo mate!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Michael1996 said:


> Thanks buddy. Well she's willingly wanting to give me up atm...which has just made me feel like a piece of ****.
> I just don't know if I should give all of this up and move on, and say to myself it's not my problem whether he gets hurt in the future.* It almost makes me sick that I have the power to wreck that relationship, as they seem to be in a fairly healthy relationship*


They are not in a healthy relationship. She is in a relationship that is not filling her needs so she's cheating with you and others. And she's lying to him about it. He just does not know how bad the relationship is because she's dishonest and does not work with him to turn their relationship into one that fills both of their needs.

This reminds me of something. Several years a go we went to a high end restaurant that served wonderful food at a very very high price. The meal was great but the portions were so small that we were not full after finishing the meal. After we left that restaurant we ended up going to McDonalds to get a hamburger because we were left so hungry. 

To this woman you are bonking, you are McDonalds. She comes to you for a hamburger to take the edge off her hunger.

If she left that other guy and got into a relationship with you, it would not be long before she was cheating on you. She's a serial cheater who cheats because she can get away with it.

You really should tell the guy so he does not waste more time with her. You really do owe it to him to tell him because you have done something horrible to him, a guy who never hurt you in any way .


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## Michael1996 (Apr 23, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> They are not in a healthy relationship. She is in a relationship that is not filling her needs so she's cheating with you and others. And she's lying to him about it. He just does not know how bad the relationship is because she's dishonest and does not work with him to turn their relationship into one that fills both of their needs.
> 
> This reminds me of something. Several years a go we went to a high end restaurant that served wonderful food at a very very high price. The meal was great but the portions were so small that we were not full after finishing the meal. After we left that restaurant we ended up going to McDonalds to get a hamburger because we were left so hungry.
> 
> ...


Hi Elegirl,

Thanks for taking the time to say something.
Yes I do agree for the most part of what you said. I think I knew from the start that I was just her "McDonald's burger" and at first I honestly didn't care, I was fine with it. But this was timed in parallel with the start of my depression and my lack of judgement was beyond bad. My self respect dropped massively, my confidence with it, and I became desperate. Which is why I clinged on to her and was unable let go, as it felt like the only love I was receiving at the time, since I wasn't loving myself.

Honestly a hug from her (or maybe even anyone) was what I was needing to stop myself from having suicidal thoughts and having a distraction from daily negative thoughts.

I am 100% going to stop talking to her for good, you don't need to worry about that, I really don't want anything more to do with her, I just hope I stick to this decision and get the help I need.

It's honestly going to be real hard telling the guy. I know you say I was the one who did aomething terrible to him, but I've been a pawn in all of this and she's the one who has really done something really bad to him, it could've been another guy she could be sleeping woth. I'm not saying I've been a good pawn however in all this...i do take responsibility as well for all this and do believe she may have never cheated with anyone if it weren't for me messaging her.

Anyway, thanks for the reply


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Michael, how were you expecting this to play out?

What were you hoping for?

When you were with her, did you think about her having sex with her boyfriend, too?

If she was committed to her boyfriend, why did she want you, too? Did she ever tell you why? Did you ever wonder about that, or ask her about it?

The truth of the matter is, you know more about her than her boyfriend does. 

She had sex with you on your first platonic date, and you know she had sex with at least one other guy, and maybe she didn't tell you about other ones because they happened on your watch, and she wouldn't want to cheat on you with other people besides her boyfriend.

Were you really going once a month for STD testing?

I frequently think the side piece gets the better deal than the full relationship guy. You referred to her as an immature hoe, which is why I don't understand your hurt feelings about her wanting to break it off with you. I wonder if your heightened feelings for her scared her, which is why she wanted to break it off with you? Maybe she could sense your feelings for her, maybe you told her about it, and she didn't want that. With feelings might come a sense of jealousness that doesn't exist in a friends-with-benefits relationship. Maybe she was worried you might get too close and tell her boyfriend.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

One Eighty said:


> OP - one thing about the woman that you should realize. She is a serial cheater. This is not a one time, learn your lesson kind of thing. She will cheat again. If this guy marries her she will cheat on him again and it is VERY likely she will eventually get caught.
> 
> By not telling him now, you are putting him at risk of far greater heartbreak in the future. Plus if there are children, then you are at least in part responsible for the harm that does to them because you didn't have the fortitude to tell him now. Better for him to know now.
> 
> Who knows, maybe he will forgive her. At least then when she cheats later he can't say he didn't know what she was capable of.


Just to be cantankerous, it's that kind of day.....

What if she's cheating because she caught her bf serial cheating and she wrongly cheats to get even?

What if she's cheating because he beats her, but she still wants him, can't bring herself to leave him?

What if she cheats because the bf is a dud in the sack and the bf gave her permission to cheat so she'd stay with him and they have an understanding going on?

What if she found out the bf still fools around a bit, and so does she, but both know about each other and know they'll work through it because they're not M yet but both know they want to get M and be truthfully monogamous one day.

Maybe they have a poly relationship but based on the don't ask don't tell system. 

I mean really. There's no information about the bf. 

The only info is that we're told they have been together for three years.
After three years, each has a pretty good understanding of the other. 

Much more than OP and the woman.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

You say you were a pawn, but if I knew that you knew I was with the girl, and you did it anyway, I think anything I do about it is fair game. I know I am not alone in this world, a lot of guys think the same. Most guys I was ever friends with. Now whether they did or did not do anything, that's a different story, but it was never out of the question.

I guess you don't feel that way about other guys when you are cheating with their serious girlfriends?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Michael1996 said:


> Hi Elegirl,
> 
> Thanks for taking the time to say something.
> Yes I do agree for the most part of what you said. I think I knew from the start that I was just her "McDonald's burger" and at first I honestly didn't care, I was fine with it. But this was timed in parallel with the start of my depression and my lack of judgement was beyond bad. My self respect dropped massively, my confidence with it, and I became desperate. Which is why I clinged on to her and was unable let go, as it felt like the only love I was receiving at the time, since I wasn't loving myself.
> ...


OP, see the bolded above.

You haven't been a "just" a pawn here and she isn't the only one that caused the issue, you contributed by continuing to bed her after you knew about her bf.

Period.

Right or wrong in yours and others' minds, I'm not judging but I am saying surely you understand you are partially at fault if there's fault finding going on.

I can say that in my younger single days if a girl said yes when I asked her out on a date, but she said she has a bf while saying yes to going out with me I'd only say if I were him I'd take better care of my gf. And still go out with her.

If she said she was M, that's a hard no from me, that's different.

And if we dated for a bit, she either left her bf, or I got tired of the situation after a bit. Because I rarely dated just one girl at a time.

But when it came time to exit a relationship I did it cleanly, tactfully, and we just went our separate ways.

So, why do you feel like you "need help" to get over this? It wasn't a real relationship that you two planned on getting M some day.

You dated. Now it's over.

Dear Lord why are you making such a big deal of it.
Say goodbye, wish her well, game over. All leave with sanity intact.

Move on without all this fuss. Your emotionally ok if you'd stop thinking you're in charge of everyone's life. You're not.

You don't have control over any one's actions here but your own.

Exit gracefully.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Michael1996 said:


> ke responsibility as well for all this and do believe she may have never cheated with anyone if it weren't for me messaging her.





Michael1996 said:


> Hi Elegirl,
> 
> Thanks for taking the time to say something.
> Yes I do agree for the most part of what you said. I think I knew from the start that I was just her "McDonald's burger" and at first I honestly didn't care, I was fine with it. But this was timed in parallel with the start of my depression and my lack of judgement was beyond bad. My self respect dropped massively, my confidence with it, and I became desperate. Which is why I clinged on to her and was unable let go, as it felt like the only love I was receiving at the time, since I wasn't loving myself.
> ...


Yes, she has much more responsibility to him than you do. She is the one cheating on him and lying.

As I'm sure you know, there are better ways to handle depression, etc. then this. We all do stupid things I our lives. Survivors recognize these things, kick them selves in the rump for it and then move on to live a better life. That's what you do here. Do not let this make you even more depressed and down on yourself. You are only human, like the rest of us.

Just for a bit of perspective. I was married to a guy who cheated on me for years. I had no idea he was doing this until shortly before filing for divorce. I divorced him based on other thing, by the time I found out about the cheating that knowledge was just icing on his rotten cake.

After I filed for divorce, several of my 'friends' starting telling me that they knew he was cheating all along but did not tell me because ...(some lousy excuse). Had they told me when they first found out, I would not have wasted years trying to fix the marriage. I was unable to stay friends with these people because clearly they did not have my back.

I get that it would be hard to come out of the blue and 'tattle' on her. But this guy deserves to know. As another poster said, you are not aware of some details of their relationship.. for example maybe they have an open relationship. Well then telling him would not matter, would it? So no harm if you do.

I don't suppose there is any way that you could tell him anonymously, is there?

I just feel for the guy as it's most likely he has no idea that he's being screwed over.


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## Michael1996 (Apr 23, 2020)

OutofRetirement said:


> Michael, how were you expecting this to play out?
> 
> What were you hoping for?
> 
> ...


I think of all what you just said has been quite accurate, and I'll fill you in on all the gaps you're wondering about.
I think I knew where all of this was going to end up and I just wanted to drag it out and enjoy as much as possible without picturing how it would end.
I wouldn't think about her boyfriend during sex, neither did she. It was all in the moment. I realised it was really ****ed up after we had just ****ed she'd be texting her boyfriend and saying things like "Goodnight, love you babe".

At first I thought I was getting the better of the deal. However, I think all of these insecurities popped up and deep down I wanted a serious relationship. All of this started when I started becoming very depressed as well. Me seeing her was not related to me feeling depressed, but it certainly didn't help. 
I started not loving myself, having no self respect, lost all confidence, and I felt like the only love I was receiving, even if it was in the form of a simple hug, was from her, even though this was completely delusional from me, and was not th right love I should be receiving. But I coudtktn help myself, I was in a bad place and I still am.

I initially didn't really fancy her, but after all this self hate started, I almost began persuading myself that I liked her, but deep down I didnt. It may sound silly and complicated, but I felt hurt by her when she didn't like me that much or wasn't that keen to see me, but a rational thinking guy would just not care a toss and not be sensitive about it.

She was worried and confused that she started liking me too, but she liked her bf way more, and wouldn't have given up him for me.
And yes, I did tell her that I really liked her, she also told me she liked me too, obviously not as me though. And she may have been worried that I'd talk to her bf about all this.
It almost upsets me that she can get away with it and doesn't feel that guilty about all this and will carry on with her normal happy life, but I'm not one to ruin that and tell her boyfriend... otherwise I'd be acting fully upon revenge and bring 2 more people down with me to misery world...

Anyway, thanks for your time


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## Michael1996 (Apr 23, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> OP, see the bolded above.
> 
> You haven't been a "just" a pawn here and she isn't the only one that caused the issue, you contributed by continuing to bed her after you knew about her bf.
> 
> ...


Yes I know, and I am accepting that I am at fault at this for sure! 
I do realise I have made this a much bigger deal than what it really is in my head, and that I should just let it go for good and move on.


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## Michael1996 (Apr 23, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> Yes, she has much more responsibility to him than you do. She is the one cheating on him and lying.
> 
> As I'm sure you know, there are better ways to handle depression, etc. then this. We all do stupid things I our lives. Survivors recognize these things, kick them selves in the rump for it and then move on to live a better life. That's what you do here. Do not let this make you even more depressed and down on yourself. You are only human, like the rest of us.
> 
> ...


Yeah I feel you on that part, and I bet you feel betrayed by your friends too :/ if I had a friend who I knew was being cheated on, then I'd tell him.

But I think the sheer fact that he's was a stranger to me, I didn't feel bad, and I forgot that he was a real person there being cheated on...but I have finally realised that he's a regular dude after all, and that could be one day, where his gf is fully cheating on him..

During these depressive days, I feel like anything more I do that's related to this relationship or anything more I do to try and fix this, it seems to be making me worse and also the situation worse, even going on this forum has made things worse. It seems to be a slippery slope..which is making me believe I should give up and stop completely.

Most of the replies I've heard have made me feel like ****, yours however has been somewhat pleasant to read. I'd say 90% have told me to tell the guy...where honestly, if I was him, I'd like to know, but the more I do and say, the more misery I'm going to bring to myself and to the couple. It's most likely gonna wreck that guy apart and give him massive trust issues and not give a chance to the girl to learn from her mistakes, she probably doesn't realise the damage she's causing, she's only 19, but maybe in a couple of years she might become mature enough and not cheat, and maybe even own up to him. Everyone did dumb **** when they were 18-20, heck even in their early 20s, it's a confusing time for some more than others. I know 18 year olds who really have their **** together and have built their own businesses.

Also, I do know some details about the relationship, but I do lack a lot of info. I do know her family really likes him and they do a lot of family trips together. She says their trust has grown stronger after him seeing our messages 3 years ago, as they had a big argument, but settled things and she promised she wouldn't talk to me again. Ughhh idk what their relationship really is like, what I do know is they love eachother and don't argue, she isn't abused or anything, they definetely don't have an open relationship, he seems like a conservative traditional guy that wants to marry her and have kids in the future, and yes, I don't think he has any idea that he's being screwed over...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Michael1996 said:


> Yeah I feel you on that part, and I bet you feel betrayed by your friends too :/ if I had a friend who I knew was being cheated on, then I'd tell him.
> 
> But I think the sheer fact that he's was a stranger to me, I didn't feel bad, and I forgot that he was a real person there being cheated on...but I have finally realised that he's a regular dude after all, and that could be one day, where his gf is fully cheating on him..
> 
> ...


Since this is a public forum there will be a lot of posts in which people react based on their own experience. Take what is helpful to yourself and just take the other posts with a gain of salt. People here tend to be very harsh on anyone involved in an affair as most here have been cheated on and had their lives devastated by the waste the affair visited on their lives... losing a marriage, their children hurt they a breakup, etc.



Michael1996 said:


> It's most likely gonna wreck that guy apart and give him massive trust issues and not give a chance to the girl to learn from her mistakes, she probably doesn't realise the damage she's causing, she's only 19, but maybe in a couple of years she might become mature enough and not cheat, and maybe even own up to him. Everyone did dumb *** when they were 18-20, heck even in their early 20s, it's a confusing time for some more than others. I know 18 year olds who really have their *** together and have built their own businesses.
> 
> Also, I do know some details about the relationship, but I do lack a lot of info. I do know her family really likes him and they do a lot of family trips together. She says their trust has grown stronger after him seeing our messages 3 years ago, as they had a big argument, but settled things and she promised she wouldn't talk to me again. Ughhh idk what their relationship really is like, what I do know is they love eachother and don't argue, she isn't abused or anything, they definetely don't have an open relationship, he seems like a conservative traditional guy that wants to marry her and have kids in the future, and yes, I don't think he has any idea that he's being screwed over...


What you know about the relationship comes from her. You actually have no idea if she is telling the truth. Usually someone who cheats disparages their partner/spouse so that they justify their infidelity.

This woman might be telling the truth. My take on it is that she has a need to keep you at arms length. So she tells you that all is good with her relationship with the great guy. Well, if the relationship is so great and it meets her needs, she would not be cheating. It sounds like she has some needs that no relationship can meet... she needs confirmation from other men.

I've read that in relationships the "mental illness" of the two people fit together like gloves. (using the term "mental illness" lightly. You say that you were in a very bad place and needed someone help help you through it. She needs men (more than he boyfriend). This means that she need affirmation from a lot of men that she is desirable. That's probably what was going on. Now she knows that you are wanting more from her. But she only wanted what you gave to her. She has no interest in giving you anything real.


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## Michael1996 (Apr 23, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> Since this is a public forum there will be a lot of posts in which people react based on their own experience. Take what is helpful to yourself and just take the other posts with a gain of salt. People here tend to be very harsh on anyone involved in an affair as most here have been cheated on and had their lives devastated by the waste the affair visited on their lives... losing a marriage, their children hurt they a breakup, etc.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Yeah you're right about some people being real harsh, Im new to this whole forum world, and didn't have time to read if this was a good one or not, I just clicked the first one I came across and just started panic writing.

I can tell which people on here with harsh comments have been hurt and cheated on before and affected by infidelity, and all they can contribute to this discussion is judgement and hatred towards me, and saying I'm equally as bad as that girl. A middle ground would make me listen to the judgemental opinions, you think I don't see my mistakes here?
I may be sensitive and taking all these comments to heart, so I really appreciate it and super grateful when I see a comment like yours that shows a real concern and solid advise for me, and this is this is what I was looking for. I wasn't looking to be pampered or anything, I don't want to be patted on the back and be told "Don't worry son, you haven't done anything wrong, you should feel fine" and then happy days, I can move on with my life.

Yeah I have gathered she loves a bit of attention from guys, but won't go after it. She feels uncomfortable and unsure about herself when she's complimented, and needs double assurance like "Fi, you've got good runners legs you know" and she'd reply "is that good?" and then carry on trying to feed her satisfaction system by then asking "what is it that's good about them exactly? What else do you think about them? I don't believe you"
Anyway , that's just an observation.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Michael1996 said:


> Yeah you're right about some people being real harsh, Im new to this whole forum world, and didn't have time to read if this was a good one or not, I just clicked the first one I came across and just started panic writing.


TAM is one of better forums out there. While some can be harsh with those who are in affairs, if you can stick through the harsh stuff, people here will be supportive.

An posts that get harsher when what has already been posted will be deleted. There is a limit to what is allowed here and most long-term posters know that.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

Michael1996 said:


> *I just feel it's not my business to interfere with someone else's relationship* and I should just try and move on, even though it has killed me inside, and have built up this anger and hurt within me and low-key believe she doesn't deserve what she has


Too late for that, whether or not you tell the BF you have already been interfering in their relationship by sleeping with _his_ GF.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Michael1996 said:


> I totally know though that the only person who has taken me down is myself! Ofcourse I know, I'm not blaming the girl or anyone else here


Yeah, you did blame her. You described her in a very derogatory term, yet you failed to realise you are her male counterpart. It takes two to tango. You and her. You are both cheating on her boy friend. You are both treating him with disrespect. Why? What's he ever done to the two of you to deserve this?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Just to be cantankerous, it's that kind of day.....


Yea, you are on a roll 



Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> What if she's cheating because she caught her bf serial cheating and she wrongly cheats to get even?


Revenge cheating is also not cool. If she's that upset about his cheating she needs to deal with the issues in the relationship.. perhaps leaving it would be better than cheating. A lot of BSs have the urge to cheat. I did, the thought make me feel like it would give me my 'power' back. But I did not because I know it's a trap. It usually makes the revenge cheater feel worse.

I believe in radical honesty in relationships both parties have the right to know what's going on in their lives... even if he cheated too.



Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> What if she's cheating because he beats her, but she still wants him, can't bring herself to leave him?


Then she needs to get some serious counseling and get the hell out of that relationship. Cheating is one of the most dangerous things that a victim of domestic violence can do because if their partner will beat them for silly stuff, can you imagine what the SOB would do about her cheating.

This is the only reason I can see for not telling him... that he is violent and a threat to her life and physical well being.



Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> What if she cheats because the bf is a dud in the sack and the bf gave her permission to cheat so she'd stay with him and they have an understanding going on?


Well then, it would not mater if he was told because they already have an agreement.



Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> What if she found out the bf still fools around a bit, and so does she, but both know about each other and know they'll work through it because they're not M yet but both know they want to get M and be truthfully monogamous one day.


What if, what if, .... we can play that game all day long. Radical honesty. Then the couple can deal with reality. If they both already know that they both are cheating, why would him telling make any difference?



Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Maybe they have a poly relationship but based on the don't ask don't tell system.


Then she should have told her affair partner. Though a lot of cheater do tell their affair partner a life about this.

It's a risk one takes when cheating... a large percentage of cheaters are found out by their partner/spouse.



Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I mean really. There's no information about the bf.
> 
> The only info is that we're told they have been together for three years.
> 
> After three years, each has a pretty good understanding of the other.


I suppose you would argue that I should not have been told that my husband was cheating because after years of being together we understood each other? The fact is that we did not understand each other largely because he lied to me for years and kept a hidden life. Just because two people live in the same home does not mean that they know the their spouse when the spouse is hiding a large part of their lives... and your 'friends' are helping them hide it.



Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Much more than OP and the woman.


First you say that they understand each other since they have been together for three years. Then you say that she does not understand the guy she is with????


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I have deleted two posts from one user who is name calling. If this thread has you affect to the point that you cannot follow forum rules, just don't post on this thread. I really do not want to give anyone a time-out ban to contemplate the rules.

~ Speaking as admin/moderator, EleGirl


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> One stops, right then and there. But that analogy is nothing like the OPs situation.
> 
> One doesn't run over, see the victim, back up to run over them again, and repeat several times, then stop and go "whoops" my bad, thought you should know.


Because he slept with her multiple times that means he shouldn't tell her? How does that make sense?


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## Buffer (Dec 17, 2019)

Hi Michael1996,
yes two to tango, two to cheat. Fault lies where it lies, you have recognised that. 
Going NC, good idea. she is just using you, as a plan B.
To tell or not to tell, that is a moral integrity issue only you can answer. Most BS when asked say they would want to be tol. Very few say they wouldn’t like to be informed. If she is cheating on him with you, she could be cheating on both of you with another.

If you ended up together, would you be comfortable if she had to work back late, have happy hour drinks after work? 
One day at a time.
Buffer


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Michael1996 said:


> Hi Elegirl,
> 
> Thanks for taking the time to say something.
> Yes I do agree for the most part of what you said. I think I knew from the start that I was just her "McDonald's burger" and at first I honestly didn't care, I was fine with it. But this was timed in parallel with the start of my depression and my lack of judgement was beyond bad. My self respect dropped massively, my confidence with it, and I became desperate. Which is why I clinged on to her and was unable let go, as it felt like the only love I was receiving at the time, since I wasn't loving myself.
> ...


You're so close, man. This post was heartbreakingly real and I feel your pain. Go back and re-read it, then re-read your first post. In a short amount of time you've come far, actually.

Keep going. Be the man you know you should be. It will help with so much, trust me.

Walk the right path even though it's the hard path. Even anonymously, the dude needs to know.

I think that's why you came here. Sometimes the things you need to hear are the things you very much don't want to hear. Don't let yourself off the hook too easily - that's the point here.

Learn. Take accountability. Make things as right as you can. And then let it go and go and be better.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

@Michael1996 You're obviously a young guy. You can ignore the advice that upsets you or you can learn from it. If you look at what almost everyone here is telling you you will see a consensus. You will do whatever you want to, but the road you are on currently will lead to a painful life filled with the kind of misery that you presently have no idea about. It will make your depression look like a day at the circus. You know what the right thing to do is and if you don't you've had enough people tell you. Choose your path forward wisely. Start making good decisions.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Marduk said:


> Because he slept with her multiple times that means he shouldn't tell her? How does that make sense?


It's kind of obvious. 

If he slept with her once, he could ride the being noble train, and tell the bf for the bf's benefit, and could be doing a good thing

After he slept with her multiple times, sated his desires, now he's irritated at the girl.

NOW should he tell the bf; it reeks of him telling the bf solely to try and make himself feel better and for his own reasons, not to benefit the bf - the noble train has long pulled out of the station.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

@EleGirl , 
Re your comment:
"First you say that they understand each other since they have been together for three years. Then you say that she does not understand the guy she is with????"

My meaning is the girl and her bf have been together three yrs, it's much more likely she knows her bf and her bf knows her, they know each other better than the OP really knows the girl.

And the OP knows nothing about the bf at all in truth. Anything he knows of him comes solely from the girl, just one side of things if anything at all has been shared. And we all know how one sided truth telling may not really be the facts at all.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> Yea, you are on a roll
> 
> *I suppose you would argue that I should not have been told that my husband was cheating* because after years of being together we understood each other? The fact is that we did not understand each other largely because he lied to me for years and kept a hidden life. Just because two people live in the same home does not mean that they know the their spouse when the spouse is hiding a large part of their lives... and your 'friends' are helping them hide it.


No I wouldn't, and I hope you know I wouldn't  .

Because you were married. In a serious life relationship.

And your friends that perhaps knew were very wrong in not telling you, if that was the case.


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## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

Gabriel said:


> Why the F would OP want to get involved with this?


He's already involved whether he likes it or not. The fact that he thinks he hasn't interfered in the relationship is telling of how detached he is from reality. If in the future the OP does obtain a girlfriend I hope she plays you like a fool the same way you both have towards the unsuspecting party.



Michael1996 said:


> Yeah I have gathered she loves a bit of attention from guys, but won't go after it. She feels uncomfortable and unsure about herself when she's complimented, and needs double assurance like "Fi, you've got good runners legs you know" and she'd reply "is that good?" and then carry on trying to feed her satisfaction system by then asking "what is it that's good about them exactly? What else do you think about them? I don't believe you"
> Anyway , that's just an observation.


So she's an insecure attention *****. Typical. She'll cheat again you can count on it. That probably wasn't even her first time.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You've gotten great advice about character building and the risk of STDs in a theoretical sense. I'll tell you something practical.

I was married to a truly horrible woman who was a serial cheater, who hid all that from me for a very long time. She cheated with the likes of you for years, blowing air up his skirt about "them" and me.

See, she infected me with HPV. Ironic that it never impacted herself but it sure has me!
It turned into throat cancer 20 years later because she brought it home with her.

The cancer presented about 2 years after the divorce. It takes many years after the infection for that to happen.

To her, she was just getting what she wanted on the side. To me, my whole life was being turned upside down and I did not get to know about it for long time.

I've had radiation and chemo and now have been on expensive immunotherapy for three years now. My teeth are ruined, I had 9 removed last year and had to lie in a hypebaric chamber for 50 days of treatments before I could get 'em out. Radiation jaw damage made it so even a routine tooth pull could result in a jaw infection and even needing the whole jaw removed.

My current treatment costs about $24K every three weeks. I pay $10K a year as a deductible.

It has been a nightmare.

So why am I telling you this?

Because you say you get tested for STDs and are "clean". HPV is not testable with any routine test you can get. women can get tested for it with cervical cancer pap smears. But men? Nada.

I had to have a throat biopsy when the cancer went stage 4 to get the cause of the cancer.

It is a direct result of my ex-wife cheating with someone like yourself. Think it can't happen to you? Think again.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

michzz said:


> You've gotten great advice about character building and the risk of STDs in a theoretical sense. I'll tell you something practical.
> 
> I was married to a truly horrible woman who was a serial cheater, who hid all that from me for a very long time. She cheated with the likes of you for years, blowing air up his skirt about "them" and me.
> 
> ...


Wow - I'm so sorry this happened to you, man. That's horrible.

One wise MC that we talked to told us in confidence that how many people discover their spouse has been cheating is when the contract an STD... and because they think they are being monogamous and safe, it often goes way past the time where it can be quickly and effectively treated.

My like on your post was because I appreciate the candor and the benefit of your experience, not that I like what happened to you.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Michael1996 said:


> Yeah you're right about some people being real harsh, Im new to this whole forum world, and didn't have time to read if this was a good one or not, I just clicked the first one I came across and just started panic writing.
> 
> I can tell which people on here with harsh comments have been hurt and cheated on before and affected by infidelity, and all they can contribute to this discussion is judgement and hatred towards me, and saying I'm equally as bad as that girl. A middle ground would make me listen to the judgemental opinions, you think I don't see my mistakes here?
> I may be sensitive and taking all these comments to heart, so I really appreciate it and super grateful when I see a comment like yours that shows a real concern and solid advise for me, and this is this is what I was looking for. I wasn't looking to be pampered or anything, I don't want to be patted on the back and be told "Don't worry son, you haven't done anything wrong, you should feel fine" and then happy days, I can move on with my life.
> ...


I wasn't overly harsh buddy. I was holding back. Trust me on that and take it to the bank.

I could dissect you down to the molecular level. I have been involved in ministry for over two decades and seen pretty much every angle people who can't keep it in their pants have to offer.

You do need to become a better human being if you ever hope to attain some level of satisfaction and happiness.

You need to see yourself for what you are first or you really won't have a good reason to make meaningful changes in your life.

I have seen the worst that can happen when people think it's funny to play games with fidelity.

I hope you appreciate the seriousness of your behavior, truly learn to see yourself and what you did in the harsh light of objectivity and make real changes in your life.

I lost one of my best friends to the abuse infidelity inflicted on him. He couldn't take the pain and killed himself.

Suicide and other violent acts are very common where cheating is involved.

His wife was certainly a villain but so was the idiot that didn't give a **** about his life, his marriage or his little girl who is now fatherless.

Getting your pecker wet isn't worth destroying a family over or costing someone their life or destroying a little child's future.

My dead friend's wife was a serial cheater like the scum you didn't think a big deal to lower yourself with.

Think hard about your behavior.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Marduk said:


> Wow - I'm so sorry this happened to you, man. That's horrible.
> 
> One wise MC that we talked to told us in confidence that how many people discover their spouse has been cheating is when the contract an STD... and because they think they are being monogamous and safe, it often goes way past the time where it can be quickly and effectively treated.
> 
> My like on your post was because I appreciate the candor and the benefit of your experience, not that I like what happened to you.


Understood. 

I remain on this forum mainly to alert about the risk of STDs from infidelity. I rail less and less about the character issues involved.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

I would just block her completely. If you tell him, you run the risk of him not believing you, or he'll still stay with her. It's going to be hard for you to get over it, but it's really the only way. Good luck to you!


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## Dr Will (Apr 25, 2020)

Michael1996 said:


> I met this girl named Fi 3 years ago. We kind of fancied eachother, but we lived in different cities, so we didn’t pursue anything.
> A couple of months later, she got a boyfriend. I felt a little hurt, but I wasn’t all that bothered since nothing could’ve happened between us.
> Three years later, I decided to text her, as I had moved to the same city as her. We got chatting away, and we went on a “friendly” date going bowling (she’s still in that same relationship btw).
> We ended up sleeping together that very night. It became a thing where we were meeting up secretly every week or two, for 5-6 months.
> ...


This is a world of pain waiting to happen. Women do not think like men do. It is a core basic to instinct in females to set up sperm fights between her long term provider and idea father and hunks she sees and potential fathers. For the male it is a core instinct to plant a cockoo in another man's nest thus increasing the chance of gene advancement at no cost. The basic formula for infidelity.
The human race has spent thousands of years trying to tame this and other male and female traits in the best interests of child care, but it has never been entirely successful. This is what we have here. It will never work for you. she has her provider it as not you. Some people can separate love from sex. It is entirely consistent for her to say she is happy and loves per real partner. You are a bit on the side and yes she will develop feeling for you. Stop now before she does fro her sake as much as yours for when and it will be when she is caught it will be hard for her to save her long term relationship as women work in emotions and she will be conflicted. We have many of these cases were a SO cannot choose between her two lovers so far it has always ended bad.

Background - In the modern age we have some very good family planning aides which allow women to indulge in sex without pregnancy fears yet 27% of all children born into a marriage after the first born are not biologically related to the husband. Parental fraud is nothing new it simply detectable now.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Dr Will said:


> Background - In the modern age we have some very good family planning aides which allow women to indulge in sex without pregnancy fears yet 27% of all children born into a marriage after the first born are not biologically related to the husband. Parental fraud is nothing new it simply detectable now.


The reality of misattributed paternity come in about one tenth of that.



> the rates of misattributed paternity come in at between one and 3.7 per cent.











The Paternity Reveal


Fatherhood used to be a matter of faith. What changes when science makes it a matter of fact?




www.newyorker.com





Unless you have a reason to suspect that a child is not yours, it’s a fairly safe bet to assume they are given the > 96% chance it’s true. Where we see stats above that are where the paternity is already in question, which triggered the testing. It is not true of the general population, as modern DNA testing reveals.


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## Rushmore410 (Oct 4, 2017)

If this gal was married I would definitely advise telling other man. They are only dating. There is no commitment here. 

I say just leave before you get anymore emotionally involved. Let this couple figure out what they have


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## maree (Jun 13, 2011)

Michael1996 said:


> I just feel it's not my business to interfere with someone else's relationship



A bit late for that isn’t it? When you choose to have a relationship with a cheater, you choose to interfere in their relationship.

I understand you aren’t the main instigator in all of this, but you knew she was in a relationship and still chose to have a relationship with her. You are a part of this.

their relationship is not healthy, and you’d be doing this guy a favor by telling him. Like another poster mentioned, you only know her side of the story and what she chooses to tell you. She’s obviously a liar, so she’s most likely lying to you about their relationship, too. What if they do get married and have kids and she cheats on him, hurting more than just her spouse? You say she had another side piece besides you, she’s a serial cheater and you won’t be the last.


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## NorseViking (Apr 14, 2018)

Bros before Hoes...
She will cheat on you with the next dude in line.
No respect for anyone is the key here.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

maree said:


> you only know her side of the story and what she chooses to tell you. She’s obviously a liar, so she’s most likely lying to you about their relationship, too.


Of course. Men do the same when they are trying to get in some chicks pants and tell her the old, "My wife/girlfriend is an iceburg, harpy, et cetera, and I going to ditch her". Why wouldn't women in a relationship do the same thing when they want a little variety. I helps to justify them f-ing around with other guys.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Guys, he's already made his choice.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Rushmore410 said:


> If this gal was married I would definitely advise telling other man. They are only dating. There is no commitment here.
> 
> I say just leave before you get anymore emotionally involved. Let this couple figure out what they have


I just have to disagree with this -- they are NOT casually "dating". They are in a 3 year long LTR. I think the BF deserves to know this to save him a world of hurt down the line.

If he won't do this directly, then he should find a way to do this anonymously -- BUT the BF deserves to know.
Cheating is cheating. LTR or marriage, it's still cheating.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

You have talked a lot about what this girl feels, what you think she wants, how you think she views both her BF's relationship with her and your own relationship with her.
You have speculated about them having a future life of love and happiness. 

All this is a lot of "what if". It means nothing. The truth is that you don't know what is real between them and what is not. You don't know how she really feels about him or how he feels about her.

The only thing you know for sure is that you were banging a girl who has a BF and would not leave him for you.

Will he be hurt if you tell him? Probably. But I look at that the same as knocking someone our of the path of an oncoming train. Sure they might get skinned, scraped or injured, but that is better than being run over and killed. A small price to pay for a better life in the future.


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