# Not sure what to do



## GettingBetter

Dear friends, hello again. Its been a while since I posted anything here, but I have been a regular lurker.
So I find myself in a bit of a situation where I need some sense knocked into me...or a good 2x4 kick. 

A year ago I met a woman who almost knocked me off my feet. I say almost, because if I wasn’t so cynical and afraid she probably would have succeed in doing so. This was two years after my divorce (met her on the same date I filed). She is a single mother and had a very similar situation to mine. Very similar thinking and has old school values. We instantly clicked, but took things slowly.
I saw a potential in this relationship, unlike any relationship I had before. She is a wonderful and caring person.
So here we are, a year later…I still have trust issues and am somewhat less cynical than year ago. Probably because I know things could and any day so I am protecting my heart. I don’t know if that is a good thing or a bad thing.
I introduced my boys to her after about 8 months of dating and she did the same with her daughter. Boys (7&9) really like her and love playing with her daughter, who is the same age as my younger one. Her daughter likes me and I really like her (too early to say I love her), but I feel she is overly attached to her mom who lets her get away with anything. I told her this and she agreed with me, so now she is trying to change things a bit. But I don’t want her to do it for me, if you know what I mean. 
Anyhow, we both enjoy spending time together which is twice or three times a week and have very similar interests and outlook towards life. About a month ago we started having overnights with kids included, but we never slept in the same bed. Still taking things slowly a bit but very steady.
One thing that bothers me, and I told her this is that she is 35 and does not have a steady career. She came to US when she was 20 and worked different jobs. From bartending to working in a beauty salon. Right now she works in a nice restaurant four nights a week and during the day works in her own beauty salon (converted bedroom). She is a hard worker, and her ex finally started contributing towards the child expenses.
I have a good stable job making decent money. 20% of my paycheck goes to my ex who just went to court and is asking for more, which she will likely get. If she does that is going to put quite a stretch on my finances, so girlfriend and I talked about moving in together. She is very excited about this. In one hand I am too, because it will take a lot of financial burdens and stress from both of us trying to manage bills. But in the other hand I feel if we do so the relationship will change and I am afraid it will be harder. Yeah, I know it's supposed to be hard. So I am still undecided. By moving in together I would be 3-4 miles away from the boys (right now 12). I will have more money to spend on them and enjoy doing fun things together. But I am afraid that things between us two might change for worse, and I don’t know why. I am afraid that on evenings she is working and I am alone with her daughter that I would not know how to discipline her if needed. I am afraid that my social life would suffer (and I have no reason to believe it would). And it just might be that I am afraid of getting close to someone again and getting hurt. 
All my friends say that I am much happier when I am with her. The relationship is so much more refreshing than any I had before. We are both very open and respectful towards each other and we talk a lot about everything. But few times I thought about ending with stupid thinking that it would be better to end it now peacefully than later when things get more complicated. Yeah I know, it’s wrong to think that. But I just don’t know what I should do.
In hindsight I feel every decision I made in last three years was a right one, but some reason I think this one could cost me all the progress I made. Is this rational thinking? Any of you ever felt the same? 
Friends asked me do I love her, I do, very much…but I don’t know if I am in love with her. I don’t even know what being in love is supposed to feel like any more. I am afraid to let her go because I'd hate to regret it, but sometimes want to see if there is possibly something better out there. Greener grass syndrome maybe? 
Do I just go ahead and do it and if it ends at least I would have learned something. But I feel people would end up hurt, including me and the kids.
Damn, I feel like a selfish ******* sometimes. :crying:

My next step is to talk to her about all this I wrote, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.
So dear TAM people...I am asking you for some help. Ask me questions I possibly failed to ask myself. Tell me things from your perspective. And I understand that decision is ultimately mine...but need help to come to it.

Thanks


----------



## Jane139

It kind of sounds like you are not really ready for such a commitment as living together it is a huge step, especially following a divorce. Don't do it for financial reasons. Do it only if you want to be with her all the time, more than anything else. 

Can you move someplace cheaper that is near your kids and closer to her as well? 

Also, as a woman, I think if she is operating a hair salon and also hostessing at night, that is a very busy productive woman. Maybe not a "career" woman in the sense of a banker or a nurse, etc...but no doubt equally busy and earning as best she can and still be a mom. You need to make sure you don't, deep down, look down on her to some degree, for not being whatever it is you are trying to say here.

I would hold off on moving in, until you have fewer doubts.


----------



## kristin2349

I agree with the above. It is too soon for you to be moving in together given your reservations. One year post divorce is not enough time. Keep things as is for a while.


----------



## GettingBetter

Thanks for the responses ladies. We met two years after my divorce was finalized and we"ve been together for a year.. I don't feel as there are any unresolved issues from my divorce. At the time I did not see it coming and did not want it, even though I filed. But in hindsight it's one of the best things that happened to me. 
I do want to spend a lot more time with her, but it wouldn't be fair to ask her to cut down her hours.
Also, I feel I will always have these reservations no matter who I'm with.


----------



## Cooper

Here's my thinking...if it was 100% right you wouldn't be hesitating, you would want to be together more and more, you would want to weave your lives together. Something is holding you back, could it just be fear and some unresolved trust issues? Sure it could, or it could be some other little things that plant a seed of doubt in your mind.

If you want a honest open relationship with her talk this out, both of you need to be understanding of the others feelings. Don't move in together just to "try it", don't move in together because it makes things easier financially. Move in together because you love each other and you have no doubts it's the right thing to do.


----------



## kristin2349

It is a bit of a tough call because it is not just you two that will be making this change it is the children involved too. If I were you I'd be really concerned about being the babysitter for her daughter when she works at night. That seems like a big commitment and if it impacts your freedom and social life it might build resentment. What is she currently doing for childcare when she works at night?

Asking her to cut her hours without moving in together isn't really fair, she probably needs that income to live on.


----------



## Openminded

If you don't feel that you are truly in love with her then don't move in with her. That will just complicate things down the road if (or when) you decide you made a mistake and want out.


----------



## Holland

"If in doubt, don't" an old saying but if I were in your shoes it would apply. There are kids involved and that really has to be a big part of the decision. Also you not knowing if you are in love with her is a concern. I also agree that moving in together just for financial reasons is a mistake.

You don't sound like you are fully invested in the relationship, whether that is because you are guarding your heart or because it really is not the right place for you, well only you can work that out. IME being in love post divorce was even easier to know than when I got married the first time, post divorce people generally know a lot more about themselves and what they do and do not want in a partner. Guarding your heart post divorce is normal but if it were true love then you (general) would think it were worth the risk. 

Serious relationships post divorce should be better than when you were younger, life has hit you with some lessons but also given you strength to know what is truly right for you and what isn't.


----------



## moco82

Finances are a terrible reason to tilt relationship decisions. In hindsight, I should have rather subsisted on beans and rice than continued to live together with a woman I knew wasn't one to build a life with. But hey, rent turned out to be a mere $600 (I lived in an expensive metro area) with split two-way in an old apartment you could get into only through personal recommendation (which she did).


----------



## GettingBetter

My feet are getting colder after these replies. You are all spot on, and thank you for it.
We talked today and I mentioned my concerns and pretty much said everything I told you here. She wasn't happy about it, but she understands and is very supportive. She really is a gem. Maybe too good to be true. 
We made a decision to keep things just as they are and will try to spend more time together.
it could be that all those statistics about relationships after divorce are scaring me and keeping me in check. 
I sure do miss having a family and being a part of it. But blended family is something that I am not equipped for. At least not just yet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## zillard

Knowing you want to have/be in a family is one thing. 

Knowing you want to have/be in a family with THIS person, now, is different. 

If both are the same... Groovy. 

If not...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Ceegee

Gettingbetter,

I guess I am in a similar situation. 

I have a girlfriend. She loves my kids. She loves me. I love her. I love her son. 

Maybe it's a gender thing. What Holland describes is not what I feel. For whatever reason (monetary loss, broken heart, etc) I don't find it easy to take the next step. Like you, I've been dating the same person for a long time (2 years). 

What I do is think of things logically rather than emotionally. I know I love her. I know my kids love her. I know she loves them. 

I've made my decision. 

How you make yours is up to you.


----------



## Healer

If you're questioning this now - and not sure you're "in love" with her (I don't know what that means, either, btw), then I'd say no way you should move in. That's huge man. I can't even fathom living with a woman again (divorced since October, separated in Feb 2013). 

The only way I'd consider it is if I was positive I wanted to do it and couldn't imagine NOT living with her - even then, I'd be weary.

And moving in together for financial reasons - that's probably the worst reason to do it. It'll just make your financial situation even worse down the line, when it ends.

You are simply not there yet.


----------



## Yeswecan

I can only add that not having a "career" means absolutely nothing. If she is happy in her current work then what is the problem? Careers don't pay bills. Work pays bills. Any kind of work.


----------



## pleasecoffee

does your company have EAP? maybe you should talk with someone that is a professional. I think you have some underlying stuff that no one can get to. don't move in right now, until you are ready. you don't want to be 6 months down the road and regret something.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Talk to her about your concern regarding her schedule. It sounds like it's not about the work as much as the hours. A little about the daughter. But the daughter's discipline and the relationship can be worked on as you share evenings together since she seems to be aware/willing. However, the relationship between the two of you is important and having evenings together once it's time to move in together could be quite important.

Yes, enjoying her work is important. Having family and couple time is also important. Perhaps she can limit her hours to daytime and consolidate to one job. If she enjoys doing hair, is there an opportunity to do hair at a nursing home during day time hours or working for a salon renting a booth during daytime hours only? 

Working on this together might just give you the confidence you need for this relationship to blossom or the assurance that it's not quite right no matter how nice it's been.


----------



## Marduk

Never make life changing decisions out of fear.

On the one hand, if you move in together it may all go south, and you disrupt your kids' life again.

On the other hand, it could all go great and you guys end up married and a blended family.

If you don't like the latter option, don't do it. Because that's the end game.


----------



## GettingBetter

EnjoliWoman said:


> Talk to her about your concern regarding her schedule. It sounds like it's not about the work as much as the hours. A little about the daughter. But the daughter's discipline and the relationship can be worked on as you share evenings together since she seems to be aware/willing. However, the relationship between the two of you is important and having evenings together once it's time to move in together could be quite important.
> 
> Yes, enjoying her work is important. Having family and couple time is also important. Perhaps she can limit her hours to daytime and consolidate to one job. If she enjoys doing hair, is there an opportunity to do hair at a nursing home during day time hours or working for a salon renting a booth during daytime hours only?
> 
> Working on this together might just give you the confidence you need for this relationship to blossom or the assurance that it's not quite right no matter how nice it's been.


This was part of our long conversation the other night, and you are correct...it's not the work but the hours. Unfortunately there isn't much we can do there because she needs money.
We are on the same page when it comes to two most important things, our relationship and kids. And we are also in the agreement about many other things. As of right now we are keeping things the way they are, but will keep talking about improving on every level. What and how is yet to be seen.
Both of us have been married before and didn't think we'd end up divorced, so we do understand that things, as well as people, change. 
One other problem, which is minor right now is my ex wife. Since I've met my GF she has been very difficult to deal with and has taken me to court twice. First time she "won", but I didn't even try to fight her. Now again, I don't want to drag thru court and want to give her whatever she is asking for, which the court is going to give her anyways, but she wants to go to trial...There has been many last minute schedule changes which frustrated my GF because we had to change our plans. I feel that things with her might only get worse and I'm afraid it might impact my relationship. It's hard to establish clear boundaries because knowing her she will try to hurt me thru kids, and I can't allow that. At least not until they are a bit older. Luckily GF is very, very supportive, but seeing some of the stories on here how exes cause a lot of trouble in new relationships scares me a bit.

Thanks


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Then the objective seems to be to continue as you are time-wise, improving the relationship in all areas and meanwhile she LOOKS for a job that she would both enjoy and would allow more time for the two of you as well as the whole family. NO need to make any drastic moves. It may take a year to find that. As long as things are moving along in a good way, stay in different households. If things are still good when she finds an opportunity that she will enjoy and has the hours that complement the family, perhaps then add more time and contemplate moving in. But this buys you more time to test compatibility and working through such issues as what you have encountered thus far.


----------



## zillard

I'm glad my divorce decree mandates mediation before taking things to court.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GettingBetter

zillard said:


> I'm glad my divorce decree mandates mediation before taking things to court.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Mine does too, but lawyers find their away around it.


----------



## Marduk

How long are you going to let your ex-wife control your life?


----------



## GettingBetter

marduk said:


> How long are you going to let your ex-wife control your life?


Why do you think she controls my life? She is making it difficult sometimes, not often...but it does not affect me...only my wallet.
Going to court is not something I can't ignore. And I've been there enough to know my rights are not same as hers. 
If you can't post something useful or constructive why post anything at all?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Marduk

GettingBetter said:


> Why do you think she controls my life? She is making it difficult sometimes, not often...but it does not affect me...only my wallet.
> Going to court is not something I can't ignore. And I've been there enough to know my rights are not same as hers.
> If you can't post something useful or constructive why post anything at all?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Here's the thing. 

Your ex taking strips out of your wallet every time you do something she doesn't like is control. You don't think this has to do with you being in a relationship that is moving forward?

And who it really probably hurts is your kids. 

Anything that hurts you financially ultimately hurts them. 

Stop rolling over for your ex. Make a point of it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GettingBetter

intheory said:


> Your ex-wife seems like a piece of work. Why can't she just get on with her own life - instead of trying to crap all over your new one.


In her words she has never been happier, but I and everyone else sees different. Her BF of 2 1/2 yrs is very controlling and her lifestyle changed drastically since he moved in with her. No friends, no vacations...
Or it could be that she is jealous of my GF who is few years younger and absolutely stunning (my ex is pretty too). 
I doesn't really matter.



> You realize the "last minute schedule changes" are no accident, right?


Yes I do. She promises the kids she'll take them somewhere or buy them something before she talks to me and I can't say no, because I don't want my boys to think I am not letting them have fun with mom. Even though half the time they just end up doing nothing.



> She wants (and is going to get??) more money from you? Why? And why do you have to accept it?


First time she went to get half of my 401K which was not part of our final divorce decree. Judge gave her 30%.
Second time she filed to have me held in contempt of court over stupid sh**. Court dismissed it, but I still had to pay my lawyer. 
Now she wants more child support. I pay 20% instead of state minimum of 28%. We agreed on 20% because I have kids 45% of the time. Most likely she will get it.



> Yes, your new gf. is supportive; but if I was her, I'd be worried that your ex-wife will always be meddling in our life together.


Yes, but if you were her would you let go of a perfect man? :wink2:


----------



## GettingBetter

marduk said:


> Here's the thing.
> 
> Your ex taking strips out of your wallet every time you do something she doesn't like is control. You don't think this has to do with you being in a relationship that is moving forward?
> 
> And who it really probably hurts is your kids.
> 
> Anything that hurts you financially ultimately hurts them.
> 
> Stop rolling over for your ex. Make a point of it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I did try to make a point and ended up paying thousands to her and my attorney. Family court system is not very sympathetic towards men.
I welcome any suggestions you might have.


----------



## zillard

She can promise the kids all she wants. That shouldn't change what YOU do, or what you allow. 

You are responsible for your relationship with the kids, not her relationship with them. She's clearly manipulating you and you let her. It's not your job to keep her promises. It's your job to give the kids structure. That means sticking to the schedule. 

If you cave on those small things, she'll get more and more bold.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Marduk

GettingBetter said:


> I did try to make a point and ended up paying thousands to her and my attorney. Family court system is not very sympathetic towards men.
> I welcome any suggestions you might have.


The more you roll over, the more she'll come at you.

Either put up your dukes, or take some shots of your own.

If not, they'll keep coming.


----------



## GettingBetter

marduk said:


> The more you roll over, the more she'll come at you.
> 
> Either put up your dukes, or take some shots of your own.
> 
> If not, they'll keep coming.


So you suggest I do the same as she does? To stoop down to her level? No thanks.
This too shall pass. 
My ultimate goal is to have somewhat healthy co-parenting relationship with her, maybe not any time soon...but by adding more fuel to the fire and making the situation even worse I'd be farther away from my goal.
I'm going Gandhi on her a**.


----------



## Marduk

GettingBetter said:


> So you suggest I do the same as she does? To stoop down to her level? No thanks.
> This too shall pass.
> My ultimate goal is to have somewhat healthy co-parenting relationship with her, maybe not any time soon...but by adding more fuel to the fire and making the situation even worse I'd be farther away from my goal.
> I'm going Gandhi on her a**.


It's not going to work.

Gandhi succeeded because he had millions of people on his side, not because he turned the other cheek. I've been at his grave, I've done that whole deal. There is shrewd politician there, not just a pacifist.

In my book a pacifist is someone that can fight and chooses not to, not someone that can't fight at all.

A healthy co-parenting situation is not your wife's goal. If it was, she'd be happy you were providing a stable living arrangement for her children and moving on with your life.

That's not what she is doing.

Talk to a lawyer. Create a long-term plan. And take some shots of your own.


----------



## zillard

Reacting places you in perpetual defense.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jewel1010

GettingBetter said:


> So you suggest I do the same as she does? To stoop down to her level? No thanks.
> This too shall pass.
> My ultimate goal is to have somewhat healthy co-parenting relationship with her, maybe not any time soon...but by adding more fuel to the fire and making the situation even worse I'd be farther away from my goal.
> I'm going Gandhi on her a**.


My BF that I have been living with for 3 years tried to live this approach to his first Ex. His sons Mother. For 17 years she has continued to manipulate his life and he has let her. And now still today, Son just went to college, she controls every decision in his life concerning son and personal life. She has caused him to feel that all he is a sperm donor and a paycheck. He is a great father. Has Always payed and still is child support always had his visitation that she allowed. Always until i came into the picture, did and payed for every event that occured...She doesnt like me being in her sons life so no more group events. This will affect you for your entire life. I see this post was over a year ago. But that is my experience. How are things for you now?

Sent from my SM-G930P using Tapatalk


----------

