# Wife unbeknownst to me is exchanging text with her ex-husbands



## evhfla (Jul 7, 2011)

Hi,

My wife and I have been married now for 7 years now and she never told me or made it obvious that her and ex husband are still friends. The other day I just happened to be in the Kitchen getting a sip of water, and her phone happened to flash that there is an incoming text message from her ex husband. When I told her, I never knew that she and her ex was exchanging text [they don't have any kids together], she told me that it was something benign. So, I ask her to see the message exchanges. She refuses to on the ground of privacy.

I do believe in some privacy in a marriage. She is very close to her sister and her brother. I regard that any conversation that she has with her brother, her sister, her mom, her best friend etc.. to be totally private. In this case, however, this is an ex-husband with whom she doesn't share any kids, that she is hiding the fact that they are exchanging text messages. I feel that when it comes to our exes we should be transparent and therefore she should allow me to see this particular conversation thread. She refuses to. Who is right? Does privacy in a marriage include unknown conversations with exes?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

You are correct there is no privacy in a marriage except for the bathroom.
You should have exchanged passwords ect.
I would check her phone records and see just how much they text.
This is a concern for sure.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

The fact that she doesn't want to show you the texts makes me think she is hiding something.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Obviously I wouldn't be an ass about it, but I would firmly and pretty straight forward make it a point to see the messages, if they still exist. Be forewarned though that she will likely throw the "C" word at you...don't be afraid of it, because this is not about being controlling, it is about seeing where her loyalties truly are...is it more important to her to keep her conversations with her ex-husband than to ally your what appear to be valid concerns.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

She is clearly hiding something.

Also, relationships with "ex" should be completely out of boundaries (assuming you guys have any). 

Ask her how she would feel if you communicated with your ex and hid it from her?

You have A LOT to worry about, clearly there is a GOOD reason why she is communicating with him AND hiding it from you.

If she had nothing to hide, she wouldn't mind sharing.

WATCH OUT!!!

Personally, just the fact that she didn't not share the phone/didn't let me look at the phone when asked would be enough to send me over the edge. 

But if she ends it and admits that it's inappropriate and disrespectful towards you.......I guess all will be well?

Figure out exactly WHY she is doing it. Is it something in your marriage that's wrong etc etc.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Chance are that the texts have been deleted. Check the phone records online and see how long and how often they have been texting. Also see if pics were exchange. Note the time of day of said texts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

DoF said:


> She is clearly hiding something.
> 
> Also, relationships with "ex" should be completely out of boundaries (assuming you guys have any).
> 
> ...


Most of the time, when this question is asked, the answer is they wouldn't have a problem with it, especially when it is not actually happening...to make themselves feel justified, and to make the other person seem unreasonable.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Did her ex remarry or have a gf?
I would make sure they knew asap.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Now think about how a person who is doing something wrong would react. Then think about how a person is doing nothing wrong would react. I think you will then have your answer.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Hicks said:


> Now think about how a person who is doing something wrong would react. Then think about how a person is doing nothing wrong would react. I think you will then have your answer.


Ding Ding Ding


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> Most of the time, when this question is asked, the answer is they wouldn't have a problem with it, especially when it is not actually happening...to make themselves feel justified, and to make the other person seem unreasonable.


Yep

OP already got his answer when his wife refused to share the phone messages.

Assume she is already cheating. At the very least emotionally.......and most likely physically as well (if they are close enough/distance wise).

If you are an account holder for her phone you might be able to request messages sent on her phone/received as well from the service provider. This would ALL be just a confirmation of what you already know......good evidence for divorce if it goes that far as well.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

interesting comment from her....on one hand it is benign and on the second hand it's private....i would call bulls**t on that.

Ask her if she is okay with you having your own private communications with people (ex girlfriend) ? has she open the door for you to make friend with the opposite the sex and have texts with them? where do you draw the line?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Xenote said:


> interesting comment from her....on one hand it is benign and on the second hand it's private....i would call bulls**t on that.
> 
> Ask her if she is okay with you having your own private communications with people (ex girlfriend) ? has she open the door for you to make friend with the opposite the sex and have texts with them? where do you draw the line?


I have a feeling she won't care about any of that.....to justify her actions.....

This marriage seems broken and unless she is willing to admit wrong doing and change/go to counseling or something, I see it only deteriorating further.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

If it's me, then I let her know that if she's going to hide text messages with her ex husband, then maybe she should move back in with him and say it in a way that she understands that you wont put up with it. 

Ask her how she would feel if you did the same thing.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

6301 said:


> If it's me, then I let her know that if she's going to hide text messages with her ex husband, then maybe she should move back in with him and say it in a way that she understands that you wont put up with it.
> 
> Ask her how she would feel if you did the same thing.


:iagree:
And do this with as little emotion as possible like you don't give a crap one way or the other.
And yes if she calls you controlling or whatever, ask her to move out.
She needs a wake up call that you will not tolerate this.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

having an amicable relationship with an ex is to be desired.

But hiding the text from you is a major disrespect. It should all be totally above board and transparent. 

So, like other pointed out, she has no respect for you. Your marriage is not what you thought it was. 

make it really clear she now has to go no contact with him, and you need access to every electronic device she has. If she objects, throw her out.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

murphy5 said:


> having an amicable relationship with an ex is to be desired.
> 
> But hiding the text from you is a major disrespect. It should all be totally above board and transparent.
> 
> ...


This is exactly what I would've done the second she refused to show me her device. Without even a 2nd thought.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Happilymarried25 said:


> The fact that she doesn't want to show you the texts makes me think she is hiding something.


Correct.

Plus she never told you they maintained any kind of relationship which is odd.

And you can bank on it that she has already deleted the messages.


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## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

If she has half brain - she destroyed all the evidence now. By not showing you the texts - its clear that she had something to hide. It might only be her *****ing about you - but it could be worse as well. Regardless, if was how is your mom doing type texts she would have shown them to you.

Really - there is no reason for communication between exes - unless they have children or some other reason. Only bad things can happen from it.


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## COfan (Oct 4, 2012)

In my opinion, there should be openness in marriage regarding outside relationships and conversations. This doesn't sound good, friend.


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## Nigel Pinchley (Jul 29, 2014)

Granted this is a highly subjective opinion, but it seems really odd to me for your W to still be that close to her ex-H when there are no kids involved. I'm projecting a lot, bc I don't think I could remain friends with someone I'd been that intimate with, esp after remarrying.

Again, I know that's a highly personal opinion of mine, but I would also think it's kind of common?


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

This is not respectful of you or your marriage. I would NEVER in a million years talk to my ex-husband without my husband's knowledge. Honestly, I wouldn't be able to be friends with him either. There is a lot of unsaid stuff between us that would be bound to come out if we had a relationship of any kind.

I would take other's advice quickly and start monitoring her phone usage. It's NOT okay.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Tell her she has gotten things confused. When she communicates with her ex without telling her husband it's secrecy. When she communicates with her husband without telling her ex, it's privacy. Don't ask her any more about it now. Make believe you agree with her and then dig. Get into her email and phone and computer. It will go underground now that she knows you know. You will need to find out in secret or you will never know. It is likely that she is cheating either EA or PA. What happened to end her first marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Agree with others. This is not about privacy but rather deceit. Their is something going on here and you need to snoop and put down firm boundrys. This needs the be investigated like yesterday


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

tom67 said:


> :iagree:
> And do this with as little emotion as possible like you don't give a crap one way or the other.
> And yes if she calls you controlling or whatever, ask her to move out.
> She needs a wake up call that you will not tolerate this.


C'mon, seriously.. as if she'll say "Oh, ok Honey, you want me to move out because I've been in contact with my exhusband, no problem whatever makes you happy, I'm gone by the weekend."

She's not going anywhere. 



murphy5 said:


> make it really clear she now has to go no contact with him, and you need access to every electronic device she has. If she objects, throw her out.


However, this advice is far worse. 

He can't just "throw her out" because he's not happy with the contact with the ex.

She's got as much right to be there as he does.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

lenzi said:


> C'mon, seriously.. as if she'll say "Oh, ok Honey, you want me to move out because I've been in contact with my exhusband, no problem whatever makes you happy, I'm gone by the weekend."
> 
> She's not going anywhere.
> 
> ...


Uh do you suggest he just stay and do nothing?:scratchhead:
I told him to check the phone records.
Don't really know where you are going with my post specifically.
Anyway whatever.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Well, given your other posts/thread here, I think you and your wife have an interesting relationship.

Perhaps you have room for concern.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Agree with the above.

So while affirs can be long distance and people can get together ... I have to ask. 

Does her EX live near you?

Is she meeting them from time to time? For lunch, dinner or coffee? Do they visit each other? Is that part of her privacy?

Also last post was 3 years, 1 month and a week ago. Wow.


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## Mr Right (Oct 5, 2013)

evhfla said:


> Hi,
> 
> My wife and I have been married now for 7 years now and she never told me or made it obvious that her and ex husband are still friends. The other day I just happened to be in the Kitchen getting a sip of water, and her phone happened to flash that there is an incoming text message from her ex husband. When I told her, I never knew that she and her ex was exchanging text [they don't have any kids together], she told me that it was something benign. So, I ask her to see the message exchanges. She refuses to on the ground of privacy.
> 
> I do believe in some privacy in a marriage. She is very close to her sister and her brother. I regard that any conversation that she has with her brother, her sister, her mom, her best friend etc.. to be totally private. In this case, however, this is an ex-husband with whom she doesn't share any kids, that she is hiding the fact that they are exchanging text messages. I feel that when it comes to our exes we should be transparent and therefore she should allow me to see this particular conversation thread. She refuses to. Who is right? Does privacy in a marriage include unknown conversations with exes?


Sorry to say this but if the Ex POS lives nearby it's a good chance that this has already gone Physical and if he doesn't live nearby it's a good chance it's at least a EA.

Pack her crap and kick her arse to the curb unless she comes clean and does some mean heavy lifting for along time.

Either way she NEEDS a big wake up call real quick, like NOW.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

The title does say "ex-husband*s*". She been through this cycle many times. I think she doesn't really cares what happens to her current marriage.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

samyeagar said:


> Most of the time, when this question is asked, the answer is they wouldn't have a problem with it, especially when it is not actually happening...to make themselves feel justified, and to make the other person seem unreasonable.


Yup. My wife would always answer that she'd be ok with me doing what she was doing.

Until I actually _did_ it, of course.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

marduk said:


> Yup. My wife would always answer that she'd be ok with me doing what she was doing.
> 
> Until I actually _did_ it, of course.


I would NEVER lower myself to her standards (that was your mistake).

Showing her the door is the only answer here


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

DoF said:


> I would NEVER lower myself to her standards (that was your mistake).
> 
> Showing her the door is the only answer here


Well, given that our marriage is orders of magnitude better now, I'd say that was no mistake.

Let me be clear: we weren't dealing with cheating, we were dealing with early behaviours that was going down the path of being at a high risk of cheating.

Going out all the time, dressing well only when going out without me, suddenly working out all the time, that kind of thing.

It all was completely innocent on her part, and I was just being an insecure jerk.

Until I started going out all the time, dressing well, working out like crazy...

Then it was time for some heart to heart talks. Because she was suddenly open to it.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

tom67 said:


> Uh do you suggest he just stay and do nothing?:scratchhead:
> I told him to check the phone records.
> Don't really know where you are going with my post specifically.
> Anyway whatever.


I'm just saying for him to ask her to leave is not going to be productive. She'll probably laugh right in his face.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

evhfla said:


> In this case, however, this is an ex-husband with whom she doesn't share any kids, that she is hiding the fact that they are exchanging text messages. I feel that when it comes to our exes we should be transparent and therefore she should allow me to see this particular conversation thread. She refuses to. Who is right?


You are. If she isn't doing anything wrong, she should have no problem showing you.

Who is more important? You or her need to text her X. 

If a wife of mine refused to show me texts to another man, the marriage would deteriorate and eventually end.

IF a gf did this, I'd ask her to leave and never come back.

Have you asked her what she has to hide? I can't think of ANY reason to text an X unless there are kids involved. 

Perhaps if she is going to continue to disrespect you, not show you the texts, and keep on communicating with him no matter how you feel about it, then you should contact him.

Or tell her that if hiding correspondence with him is more important that you, tell her to go live with him.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Any of your ex's try to contact you? Since the new standard is that you communicate with exes and keep your spouse in the dark, I guess it's ok for you to accept contact or begin looking some exes up. 

Only be a better person and let her know what you are doing. If she feels ok then you are both on an equal footing. If she gets upset, you are more than equal. Tasting some of her own medicine may be the cure. 

Some may see this as petty or tit for tat. I think that we sometimes have to get what we give so that we fully know what we are doing. Right now, your wife has not considered that you may have beed contacted by exes or that you may want to talk to one or two. 

If you have to deal with what she throws you way, then give her as much to deal with right back. It's time she faced the reality of the balance in give and take. She sows and you reap the benefit of satisfying curiosity about your exes.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Text the X from your phone and say this:

"This is [wife]. This is my new number. Husband is getting suspicious, so had to switch. Anyway, how about meeting somewhere for drinks? Maybe a hotel after?"

Then wait.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Think the OP left this thread....perhaps the posts hit home and found a thread unraveling his marriage.


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