# Need your thoughts and advice for a friend



## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

I recently got an email from a very good friend whose husband had developed some feelings for another women. I tried to get her to post on here, but she is a bit uncomfortable going on forums so I told her I would post her story to see what you all think.

Here is some background and her immediate concerns:

Her husband had an inappropriate online relationship with another woman for several months. They became very close and crossed boundaries and eventually sexual innuendos emerged. It was revealed on a group forum that the OW had feelings for the man and he clearly delighted in this. Things escalated in the group forum - teasing of the woman about her affection for the OM and my friend's husband suddenly had a wake-up call and ended the whole affair. He sent the woman an email telling her he could no longer communicate with her ever again and he shut off contact.

The OW tried to reach out to him a few times but he ignored her. He responded once to one email about a query she had but was very curt and made it clear he would not continue the conversation.

The OW seemingly gave up and there were no more attempts of communication for a few months. After a couple of months my friend's husband started logging back into the instant messenger site that she logs into every day. After a few weeks he stopped. The OW woman tried to reach out to him again a week later in a group email requesting info of friends. He ignored her.

Then about a month later the OW visited the man's company website and viewed his bio and picture. He got an email alerting him about this. The next morning he logged back into the Instant Messenger page and he has been on it every day since. Neither of them is reaching out talking to the other but they are both logged in everyday. My friend's husband really has no need to be logged into this IM site everyday as he never uses it so my friend is very suspicious that he is now fishing. She has his passwords and is able to keep tabs on him and so far NC has not been broken, but they are both visible to the other on this IM page Monday through Friday. She has gotten advice from others and this is the advice so far:

1.) It's nothing. It's been almost 6 months and he has ignored her repeatedly and is still not directly reaching out. No worries. Just keep an eye on him.

2.) He is fishing and she needs to put the kibosh on it as this spells trouble. He clearly misses her and things could move quickly if one of them breaks the ice.

3.) He is fishing and she needs to watch him carefully, but not bust him yet as if she does, he might well go underground.

Any thoughts or advice on what this sort of behavior means and what she should do about it?

Thanks for your help!


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Find out all you can about the OW. She may be married (regardless what she says online). Does she live nearby?

Sounds like fwh is getring itchy and fishing.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

mary35 said:


> I recently got an email from a very good friend whose husband had developed some feelings for another women. I tried to get her to post on here, but she is a bit uncomfortable going on forums so I told her I would post her story to see what you all think.
> 
> Here is some background and her immediate concerns:
> 
> ...


Definitely 3. If he wanted to avoid her, he wouldn't be logged in.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

#2 - kibosh - get it out in the open with him and insist on NC, which includes no checking anything that she is logged into. He's drawn in again & these things move like lightning.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your friend needs to get copies of all txts, emails, etc and keep them in a safe place.. like on the cloud, or an a storage device... some place that he cannot get to

then #2.

She also needs to find out if the OW is married or in a relationship.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

My friend googled the woman and she has a public job with a bio and she is definitely single and has no children. There are no emails or anything to print as they have not had any direct contact in 5 months. 

He was the one who put the kibosh on it 5 months ago. Something clicked in his head and he pulled back and was very clear their relationship was over. He has not directly contacted the OW since then. My friend was beginning to think she was out of the woods. 

Why would he do this now and risk starting it all up again? He ignored her attempts to be in touch directly a few months back. Then he ignored a few group email things she sent him very recently. So my friend was feeling confident he was over it. Then out of the blue he logs into the IM page last month for a few weeks where she is logged into every day. Then did it again this month after the OW went to view his company bio and he got an email notifying him of it. He and my friend have a good marriage and he seems to adore my friend. What is he thinking by doing this after being so strong for nearly half a year. She can't work out what would trigger him and after SO long.

My friends questions are: 

Why NOW after so long and is this really fishing?

Is putting the kibosh on it really a good idea as he might go underground?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

mary35 said:


> My friends questions are:
> 
> Why NOW after so long and is this really fishing?
> 
> Is putting the kibosh on it really a good idea as he might go underground?


1) This is both an ego boost for him and he is interested. He is definitely fishing.

2) Putting the kibosh on it is probably the only thing that has a chance of stopping this train. She has to nip it in the bud and not wait to see what he does next. It will most probably escalate. He'll stop just looking and then make a seemingly innocuous contact. And then it goes from there. I would be very tough with this. If he wants another woman, then he should say it and let her make her own informed choices about her marriage. If he doesn't, then he has to stop. Completely stop.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

What if he takes it underground? How will she know? It seems like most WS do that. And it often takes awhile for the BS to figure out that it is still continuing. In the meantime, they take the affair further. How do you prevent them from going underground? 

Also, since he is the one that initiated the no-contact on his own and stuck with it so long, why would he all of a sudden start this up again? Clearly, he saw the dangers himself. This is the part that I don't understand!!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Why does he do it? Because he wants to. He enjoys it.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

I appreciate everyone's thoughts so far. My friend is reading this thread. She is new to learning about EA's, and unfortunately getting a crash course in it at the moment. So if you could elaborate a little more to help her understand. I am doing the best I can, but I think it will help her to hear from others too, especially from those who have been through this, on either side of the coin.

Jellybean - I understand they do it because they want to and get something out of it - obviously. But, at one point he clearly recognized that what he was doing was wrong and inappropriate, enough so that on his own he broke contact, cut it off, and has stuck with it for months. 

What would trigger him to go in like this and start fishing now? 

What is he hoping to accomplish with these fishing episodes?

Why wouldn't he just contact her directly? 

Has he made a decision to start up the affair again and see where it goes?

Or has he convinced himself that he has gotten himself and his feelings under control and can just be friends with her again? (of course he can't be, but is he thinking he can be?)

Or is he logging in again because it lets him feel close to her and is giving him some of the "drug" like feelings he is missing, and he is not thinking about or has not given any thought to what will happen next - and its solely about getting his drug fix?

And again - how do you stop them from taking it underground when you try to kibosh it - or is that even possible to stop?


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Can anyone shed any light on this and give advice on how the best way to proceed would be?


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