# Real Recovery Time



## deb3129 (Jun 1, 2015)

I found out over 4 years ago that my husband had an affair. Just when I think I am past it, I go through a period where the whole things bothers me. How long will this last????


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

deb3129 said:


> I found out over 4 years ago that my husband had an affair. Just when I think I am past it, I go through a period where the whole things bothers me. How long will this last????


Hi, deb. Sorry that you're here. 

How did you deal w/ the affair? Do you feel that your husband has sufficiently made amends for it? Was everything "swept under the rug", so to speak, or did the two of you pull all of your issues (including, obviously, his affair) out into the open in order to acknowledge and constructively address them?

Did the two of you attend any individual or (joint) marital counseling?

How did you find out about the affair? Was it ongoing when you discovered it or had it already ended? How long did the affair last?

Who was your husband's affair partner?


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## deb3129 (Jun 1, 2015)

He got into counseling immediately after I discovered it. The affair ended prior to me discovering it, because his partner broke it off. I found out about the affair because I was suspicious and looked at his emails, and found numerous emails. His affair was with a coworker, but he no longer works with her.

We both did a lot of work up front. Initially I told him that I wanted a divorce. It was just before Christmas, so we decided he would stay in the house until after Christmas to make things a little easier for the kids. However, he was remorseful and was willing to work on things, so he ended up staying.

For a long time, things were really good. However, for quite some time now there is a lot of distance between us and thing just don't feel right. I do not think that he is cheating, and cannot find any evidence. However, it has made the past come rushing back


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

how old are your kids?

Did your H tell you all about the A or did he write you a timeline of the A?

Have you asked him recently about his transparency? Did he get tested for stds? 

He went for counseling. Did you both go for MC? 

Hope you talk to him about your concerns. Sometimes if things are not discussed, he will not know how bad he is still upsetting you.

Did he or does he share what he has learned to help you feel any better about the situation?

Do something for yourself this week, and for the kids. Shop or exercise, or something that will make you feel better about yourself.

Hope you find some happiness and peace.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I don't think there is any formula for "how long", but I do think there are factors that play into the length of time:

1 -The severity of the betrayal
2 -The level of consequences he received
3- The level of his acceptance of those consequences
4 -His ability/willingness to demonstrate consistent remorse
5 -Your capacity to forgive

I'm at 3 and a half years myself, and I can tell you that though my mindset has improved over time, I'm still not there. I still lay awake many nights, including last night, thinking about what I'd like to do to the OM and where would I be now had I just moved on back then.

Some say it takes 2 to 5 years. We'll see.


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## deb3129 (Jun 1, 2015)

harrybrown said:


> how old are your kids?
> 
> Did your H tell you all about the A or did he write you a timeline of the A?
> 
> ...




We have two boys who are 11 and 12.

He went for IC, I did not want to go to MC at the time. I did go to IC for a little while.

He gave me only the details I specifically asked for, and did not every give me a timeline. He said he could not remember enough details. Also, there was another incident early in our marriage where I found a nude pic of a woman we both knew on our computer, and the pic was taken of her laying in my bed. I knew it was my bed because she was on a homemade quilt that my grandmother made for me. At the time I confronted him he said that her and another one of his coworkers were having an affair and had used our bed and our camera. I was naïve, and believed it. I let it go completely until after this last affair came out. Then I asked him again, and he again said that it was not him. I sent the girl a FB message saying that he had confessed and told me she was naked at my house, and she told me that she came to my house and he took nude pictures of her, and that is all. So I told him I had spoken to her, and what she had said. He confirmed that she came to our house and he took pics of her, but denied anything else. But this hurt a lot at the time, because it was one year after my discovery of the affair, and after we had done a lot of work. And I had given him every opportunity to tell me the truth.

So now I am still wondering about the naked woman at my house, and find it very unlikely that they did not have sex. And I probably could have gotten past it if they had, but I still am afraid he is not being honest with me

We have both been tested for STD's


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

I'm sure it varies for all. However, when a spouse is betrayed the this most emotional level it will likely echo through the marriage for a very long time. Years ago on TAM, I would state that although we recovered and I trusted my wife, there would always be an asterisk after the word trust. Now 8 years post D-Day and 4.5 years past what I considered our point of full reconciliation even the asterisk is gone. 

My marriage at this point is in very good shape and my wife and I have few issues. But when we get a little out of synch with each other I get fleeting questions in my head. It's pretty rare, they don't last, keep me awake or cause me any type of anxiety. I expect at some point this will fade into the night also. I'm just not quite there yet.

Deb, at this point I believe you lack closure. If you feel a lack of closure is having a negative impact on your marriage, your emotional health or happiness, I would strongly consider bringing the subject up with your husband. It is a conversation you need to prepare yourself for to make sure your logic and emotional state is correct for this conversation. You will also need to make sure you anticipate what different kinds of reactions you might get from him and how you should react. Opening up an old wound this deep can have negative impacts on both parties.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Forever. 18 years and my wife has forgiven, but has never FORGOTTEN.

Sorry, but it never goes away 100% unless you just don't care about the other person anymore and have zero feelings for them. But if you still love them.....you're SOL if you want it to go away forever.

It lessens over time but it's always still there. One day if he's late or doesn't answer your call right away.....BOOM, trigger! Don't matter if it's 1 day, 30 days, 1 year, 10 years, etc...If you love them, you'll trigger from time to time.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Perhaps further counselling might help you?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

First, to answer your question, I think that for the majority there is never a time when you are fully over it. For me it will be with me until I die. other seem to be able to move on and cope within many years.

But what concerns me most is that you live with a serial betrayer and liar. I think he has proven to you he will never change as he has no intentions to. As a result, I can hardly imagine you ever getting over it so long as he plays cat & mouse with you and all his women. It appears this is the pattern of his life- so I guess the question I have for you is how many time you actually catch (I think it safe to say there have been others) before you kick him out?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

thatbpguy said:


> First, to answer your question, I think that for the majority there is never a time when you are fully over it. For me it will be with me until I die. other seem to be able to move on and cope within many years.
> 
> But what concerns me most is that you live with a serial betrayer and liar. I think he has proven to you he will never change as he has no intentions to. As a result, I can hardly imagine you ever getting over it so long as he plays cat & mouse with you and all his women. It appears this is the pattern of his life- so I guess the question I have for you is how many time you actually catch (I think it safe to say there have been others) before you kick him out?



it may be four years but you do not have closure because your WH has trickle truthed you big time with the naked woman (they DID sleep together - what woman goes to a man's house and poses naked, duh!) and then the affair. 
Your H has not enabled you to move on because he hasn't come entirely clean and this will continue to bug you until he does and he has to show remorse and be willing to put in the effort. 
He knows how to manipulate you, so learn to not listen to what he says but watch what he does, you might learn alot more.

This will come back to bite him when the kids are much bigger and you are going through the change of life (if u let it go this time) big time. Women reevaluate their lives, usually suck up a lot of crap for the sake of happy families and the kids, etc but you will reach a point where you won't do it anymore and will either get the truth or dump him, guaranteed. I have no clear advice for you except to not believe a word he says, he has shown himself to be a serial cheater and they rarely change.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Deb3129

What is real recovery time? Actually, never, I'm not trying to scare you but that is the simple truth. There are coping skills you can use to make it easier in time, but it always stays with you. The reason, it's a memory, good or bad we remember things but its up to us to as to how we deal with it. If you think back to a memory that made you happy you probably remember your wedding day, child being born, parents 50th anniversary, and so. This memory makes you feel good, you'll smile without even recognizing it. Since this makes you happy you will think about it fondly and remember a specific moment during that memory. 

It's the same for a bad memory, a parent or family member passing away, a bad accident involving family or good friend, and so on. You will think of this memory and also remember a specific moment. If we take a family member passing away, what do we do? We try to think of a positive, find a positive from a negative situation. So you will think they are no longer suffering, in a better place, or now with God. We try to think of something positive to pacify ourselves that it's better. It's the same with infidelity. 

Infidelity however, at least for me, is more damaging then a death, other then your own child. Infidelity has many intricacies that damage, destroy, and devastate you. It floods your mind with many different emotions at once making you feel as if you are crazy. It can even take you so low that you feel death is a viable option. We need to train or mind to think of something different when the affair comes into our mind. This is very hard to do, and will take time and practice. But when you can do this you will begin to feel better. 

Sorry you are here and best of luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nikoled (Mar 12, 2014)

I think the fact that you have unanswered questions would make it very challenging to move on. I would ask husband to go to counseling and while there bring up the pictures and try to get the full story. Explain to your husband that it is impossible to move on from something when you don't even know what that something is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

I hope you get some answers to help you deal with the pain.

Marriage can be fun and sometimes can be very hard work. You can't fix it by yourself, and if you want some peace, it will take time, MC and your H working and doing the heavy lifting.

If he will not do the heavy lifting, you will not be able to get past this.

For your kids sake, do go to either IC and or MC. 

Communication is also important. Unfortunately some males are like me and are not mind readers. 

time to have him prove to you some of the things that he is telling you. How does he do that? That is his problem. 

He could hire a PI to try to prove to you that he has changed, but sounds like he better hurry before it is too late.


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## deb3129 (Jun 1, 2015)

I think I really am wondering if it is already too late. I am tired of living like this, and honestly I feel like I have quit trying too. And really it just never occurred to me that he is a serial cheater. But really, he is. There was also an incident a LONG time ago, when we first got together (Around 1997) where he slept with an ex girlfriend. His excuse at the time was that he was drunk. But he did not tell me about that one either, I found out from his best friend(who was dating the girl in question). So clearly this is a pattern. And I am scared there are more I don't know about...


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

deb3129

Whatever you choose I hope you choose for you. I hope you choose for your well being. I may be different then everyone else but infidelity will influence any relationship I have. This includes both reconciliation and divorce. Infidelity changes you, has a strong toxin about it that doesn't go away. It may diminish, but it's there, just waiting to rear it's head with triggers and bad memories. I've read on here it gets better with time. I'm almost a year and a half post d-day, and the pain is still there. Perhaps not as sharp, but it's there. I wish you the best in whatever you decide, and I hope you one day find peace and happiness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Deb

I would just confront him.. 

Your recovery time question is really or partially backseat ATM since you already stated you both are distant with each other ATM..

You don't think he is cheating but also seem not to really want to know.. 

I am not gonna bother asking if you guys have sex on a regular basis because me and my Ex did and she still cheated and hid it well.. So having sex means sh!t..

All I know is today I wouldn't be wasting my fvcking time wondering anything.. I would be asking and looking for answers.. If he can't give you answers or willing to help, then time to move on..


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