# Divorce Not the answer - what is?



## Dave&Confused

First of all, let me introduce myself. My name is Dave and I'm 25 years old. I currently work in a warehousing environment to support my family. My wife and I have been married for just over a year. We're active participants in our church and it seems like that's the only thing we do well together. 

At first, everything was great. The problem arose when I lost my job. Financial problems caused a lot of stress and I understand that. Now that I've been working again, I don't understand why it's so hard to get back on track. 

My wife collects SSI, but she's not physically or mentally disabled. She claims social disabilities. I don't want this to sound like I'm bagging on her because that's not what I'm here for. I'm just looking for some advice.

It seems like it's little things that we fight over. For instance, she has refused to do the dishes because I won't help her. I tried explaining that I've been working 13 hour days and don't want to come home to do the dishes. She is a housewife. Correct me if I'm wrong, but that's what housewives do. Instead, she is more content to complete her schoolwork through Penn Foster to complete her highschool diploma and neglect the house. The house has been filthy for the last two weeks and I don't understand what she does all day. 

Another example is this morning. My wife is very particular about where she sleeps on the bed, which is understandable to a degree. Our mattress is really worn out and doesn't feel all that comfortable anymore. However, I am most often sleeping on the very edge of the bed. This morning I said, "Can you move over please?" because I was sleeping on the edge and the mattress lining was hurting me. After the 3rd time asking her, because I thought maybe she didn't hear me, I moved to the foot of the bed to lay across it. Then she got upset and starting saying I was rude and told our son not to talk to me today and just let me do whatever I want. I don't understand what I did wrong. 

And one more example...I came home from work after working 7am-8pm. Understandable, I just wanted to relax and go to sleep. She wanted me to watch a movie and be affectionate with her. I told her that she could come lay in bed with me until I fall asleep or whatever but that just didn't cut it. She started saying that I don't give her any attention and I got furious. I don't understand how someone can work 13 hours, come home to a filthy house, and still be expected to spend another 3 hours on the couch watching a movie that I would probably fall asleep watching(she gets upset if I fall asleep during a movie with her). 

It's like no matter what I do it just isn't good enough. She has even put me down saying that I have my highschool diploma and have been in the military but still aren't any closer to a "career". This being said, my wife is 29 and doesn't have her highschool diploma yet. She collects SSI like I mentioned previously. How can she have the nerve to put me down and say that I don't have a career when she doesn't even have a regular job? I'm doing all that I can to support my family and I know that God's will in my life is not divorce. I just don't understand how to make this work. 

Again, I'm looking for advice, not for a bagging session. I don't want anyone putting down my wife saying that she is nagging or whatever. I know there are things that we both do wrong. I just want to be able to fix the situation and go back to the way we were before.

Dave


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## FirstYearDown

Your wife is lazy. Sorry, but there is no excuse for being home all day and not cleaning. She can easily divide her study time and housework. 

She is also immature and manipulative. What was the point of her telling your son to shun you, _just because you moved to the foot of the bed? _Unacceptable.

It makes me feel angry for you, when I read that she has the balls to put you down. Lazy people are often the most self righteous.

You have a choice: let this continue or stand up for yourself. Set some boundaries about what you will and will not tolerate.


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## unbelievable

She's drawing SSI for "social disabilities" and you're wondering why she behaves in ways that defy social norms? 
Things may have been easier to tolerate when you had a high paying job but I doubt seriously they were "great". She was still a high school dropout. I expect her social dysfunctions were present then and she probably wasn't much better at keeping house, either. 
It is what it is and if she's too "sick" to work and too "sick" for anyone in the medical profession to cure, then not sure what little "you" might do to change things. If the money situation permitted, I'd suggest taking the child to grandma's or another suitable arrangement and telling wife that neither I nor the child would live in filth. If she could prove she could function as a wife and mother, I would consider returning with the kid. Not being mean, but my duty as a father includes making sure my child has a safe, healthful environment.


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## Mindful Coach

Dave,

You mentioned church is something you do well together. Perhaps it's time to insist on some counseling with your minister/priest/deacon? 

Tracy


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## freshstart

To Dave & Confused,

From a woman's point of view: Dave, one thing I have learned from being with my husband for the last 14 years is that almost everyone in a marriage tells what the other person does wrong but almost never acknowledges the problems they contribute to the marriage but since you only said the part about her I will comment on that.

Your wife does seem selfish (which unfortunately most ppl today are). From what you say, it doesn't sound fair what she is doing to you. Also, I see she is basically raising your child alone (as a single parent) since you work most of the day and come home to probably eat and sleep...therefore hardly ever spending time with your kid and wife (except on Sundays). That can be disheartening as a wife esp. when you look at other husbands who are able to balance the two...even though I understand you are working very hard. She probably feels very lonely since you are hardly around and lashing out at you (even though its wrong). I would recommend you sending her (maybe even anonymously) a book called Created To Be His Help Meet by Debi Pearl. If she is open, it will give her a biblical perspective of her role as a help meet...it is truly a reality check. Also, there is book for males by her husband Michael Pearl ( for men only) with a perspective that you guys should consider when you are the breadwinners/providers. Best of Luck to you Both. May God Bless Your Marriage Abundantly


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## cb45

i concur with freshstart,(but take hers one or more steps further...lol) in that people often put out posts like yours that are (almost?) too bad to be true.

which simply means, yours is a yarn, a tale, a fabrication *OR*,
there is a whole lot u are leaving out about what YOU are or are not doing in yer rel'shp; as well as things SHE is doing right
that u are not giving her credit for.

For if she were as bad as u write, you wouldnt put up with it like
most folk, and wouldnt need to come here for advice.

which means, u have something(s) wrong with you to work out
if u put up with this kinda life, or u need to fess up and come clean with yerself, in order to see her and yer situation correctly.

I mean in conventional terms shes gotta be a fox, sexfiend, rich, or something worth yer sticking around for and putting up with yer unbelievable situation, as u describe it.

i.e., theres gotta be something in it for u, no?

Sooooooo, dont get pissed or feel dissssssssed, just cuz i'm 
calling u out on this. its better than us going thru 5 pages
(or more, sheesh...its been done here, which is even more perplexing when "examined") of dishonest (when u "get down to it") dialogue (or monologue?) when it can be succintly summed up
like so.

sorry i cant put it "sweeter" for ya this a.m; sometimes
(not oftentimes tho') even Christians need to be "abrupt"
and to the pt. e.g., Jesus' communiques with his disciples, esp
Peter.

shalom.


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## freshstart

Good advice cb45. I am interested in what advice you would tell me for my post. If you can, check under: Relationships and Spirituality » You Haven't Heard of Any Marriage Like This Before, I'm Sure Of It. Thx


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## cb45

ummm, read it Fs. seems similar to d & c's story here in some ways. e.g., "too bad" to be true.

first impressions of yers was "the spirit listeth where it will..."

in conjunction with that premise also is how too many folk come
here and "say"/write in general vague ways that they are studying the bible, or praying or....yada yada but, dont seem to
quote anything, nor observe anything in lieu of that so called
"study" or "prayer".

i.e., they give a secular analysis (only? buddhist? hindu?) of their situation, and dont seem to follow up with the focus they "say" they are privy to, or *possess*.

which brings to this pt: explore thru prayer & study, *possession*. in yer H's case, may be very "enlightening", no?

shalom yedideed.


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## Dave&Confused

freshstart said:


> To Dave & Confused,
> 
> From a woman's point of view: Dave, one thing I have learned from being with my husband for the last 14 years is that almost everyone in a marriage tells what the other person does wrong but almost never acknowledges the problems they contribute to the marriage but since you only said the part about her I will comment on that.
> 
> Your wife does seem selfish (which unfortunately most ppl today are). From what you say, it doesn't sound fair what she is doing to you. Also, I see she is basically raising your child alone (as a single parent) since you work most of the day and come home to probably eat and sleep...therefore hardly ever spending time with your kid and wife (except on Sundays). That can be disheartening as a wife esp. when you look at other husbands who are able to balance the two...even though I understand you are working very hard. She probably feels very lonely since you are hardly around and lashing out at you (even though its wrong). I would recommend you sending her (maybe even anonymously) a book called Created To Be His Help Meet by Debi Pearl. If she is open, it will give her a biblical perspective of her role as a help meet...it is truly a reality check. Also, there is book for males by her husband Michael Pearl ( for men only) with a perspective that you guys should consider when you are the breadwinners/providers. Best of Luck to you Both. May God Bless Your Marriage Abundantly


Problem is...we don't have full custody of her son. I am the step parent and I guess as a young parent she "spanked" her son too hard and now his grandmother has full custody. We get him on the weekends. She has 5 days a week to do a little here and there. It's a one bedroom apartment, it doesn't take much.


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## Dave&Confused

I admit that I have my faults, who doesn't. One being is that I do tend to leave stuff lying around the house. My clothes for example are often found wherever I take them off at, be it in the front room or the bathroom floor. However, it's not like a jumble of clothes, usually just one outfit and the next time that I am home for an extended period, usually a day or two, I will pick them up. 

My wife says I am rude a lot. I don't really know how to explain it but I guess it's my tone? It's not like I'm trying to be rude, I just come off that way. She also says I'm not giving her enough attention, but it's so hard to do when I'm working my butt off and come home to no dinner, no clean dishes to even make my own food....no laundry. Nothing is done. 

I'm not making anything up. I'm not fabricating anything...I'm just giving my side of the story as I see it. 

I work to support our family, sure it's not a lot, but it pays the bills. I come home and I'm tired. I want to eat and get some rest. Depending on what time I get off, determines how much time I have to spend with her. The weekends are a giveaway, we do whatever it is she wants, which is usually just watch a movie or something like that. She's not a people person. We don't go out and do things because she's anti-social. 

She has 5 days a week when she does nothing but school work, which I support, but it doesn't take ALL her time. I have no idea WHY she refuses to do anything. She just said she hates doing dishes all the time and that I should do half. The laundry, I once said that I will just do my own laundry because I was tired of waiting on her to do it, and now she holds me to it. Dinner has always kind of been 50/50. I like to cook so it's not a big problem for me, except when the dishes aren't done, which has been the past 3 weeks.


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## freshstart

Ohhh wow....yeah if that's everything the way you say, she's needs to be doing her duties. Pray daily for God to change her.


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## striving

Dave&Confused said:


> I admit that I have my faults, who doesn't. One being is that I do tend to leave stuff lying around the house. My clothes for example are often found wherever I take them off at, be it in the front room or the bathroom floor. However, it's not like a jumble of clothes, usually just one outfit and the next time that I am home for an extended period, usually a day or two, I will pick them up.
> 
> My wife says I am rude a lot. I don't really know how to explain it but I guess it's my tone? It's not like I'm trying to be rude, I just come off that way. She also says I'm not giving her enough attention, but it's so hard to do when I'm working my butt off .


So that sounds a lot like my husband..? He's messy and leaves stuff everywhere. Sometimes I feel like giving up on house cleaning either in retaliation or just fatigue of my efforts being pooped on. It doesn't sound like she's made any efforts, but what if you start by picking up after yourself? That way she's not at home staring at your dirty clothes wherever you leave them? 

Can the two of you talk without fighting? Maybe say ahead of time...this weekend I want to take you out so we can talk. If you're in public you're more likely to have a productive conversation since most likely neither of you will get up and slam a door or run off. Maybe in the WAY that you approach her, you can make some headway into the dirty house issue? Why not ask "how can I help you become who you want to be?" or, if you think she WANTS to have a clean house but just can't seem to do it, "how can we work together to keep a clean house?" A friend of mine, sweet amazing girl, is a super slob at home...it's a constant frustration between her and her husband, b/c he wants the house in order and she just can't seem to do it even tho she wants to please him. I don't understand how a house can get so messy (I'm a clean freak) but seeing my friends helps me understand that for some people, a dirty messy house just seems like an insurmountable task. Plus it sounds like your wife has other issues. 

At any rate, try to talk with kindness and with calm, out on a date somewhere, where you can both talk about what you can do to both have a clean house and "pay attention to her". In my personal case, my heart would soar if only my husband would mention going on a date or watching a movie with me on some set day...wouldnt have to be today, but even for him to mention it, I would know that he's thinking of me and will one day soon set time aside for me. (This doesn't happen, and therefore I pull away, and then he doesn't want to be with me, etc, etc..vicious cycle).

I hope things improve.


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## accept

This is an old post. No mention seems to be made of counselling.


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## RandomDude

I don't get it, I married a spoiled rich princess and she keeps our house spotless, baby-safe, looking homey and relaxing to come home to, at least until I smell her cooking of course (hehe, jk)

Anyways I think you should tolerate her behaviour less, she's not acting like a responsible adult, she's acting like a child, a selfish one at that. The only real problem I had with my wife in the past due to her upbringing was her spending habits, but that solved itself as soon as I made her become responsible for our financial management.

Well... she's still demanding of me though, like your wife - you work 13 hour days then come home and have to spend time with the missus? haha, well I don't know how to solve that one yet.

If I was you I would make it very clear with her what you expect as she's a SAHM. If you're in the right I see no reasonable excuse for her, and if she brings up stress tell her to take up counselling.


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## COguy

Dave,

You're a text book guy with a text book guy problem. You think your wife is nagging and doesn't appreciate you.

Your wife is at home alone and feels unappreciated and lonely.

You're both really bad at communicating your problems and empathizing. You need to go get counseling so a professional can work through your issues.

I don't know your wife's situation but it sounds like she needs to be a bit more responsible with her life choices. However, it's not going to encourage her to change if she's feeling neglected and unloved. The tone of how you are describing your wife tells me that you don't think very highly of her. That probably rubs off on her and makes her tense up and feel insecure.

I know you're working hard for her, that's an admirable guy trait. But from your wife's point of view, you are neglecting her. She doesn't want your paycheck, she wants you. She is crying out for you to spend more time with her, to romance her.

You can rationalize that this is your wife's problem and hers alone, or you can step up and be the husband your wife needs to feel secure. I would imagine that if you make her feel safe and secure, build her confidence up and show her that you cherish her and appreciate her, encourage her to go out and try something new, you'll notice a change in her behavior.


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## DTO

COguy said:


> Dave,
> 
> You're a text book guy with a text book guy problem. You think your wife is nagging and doesn't appreciate you.
> 
> Your wife is at home alone and feels unappreciated and lonely.
> 
> You're both really bad at communicating your problems and empathizing. You need to go get counseling so a professional can work through your issues.
> 
> I don't know your wife's situation but it sounds like she needs to be a bit more responsible with her life choices. However, it's not going to encourage her to change if she's feeling neglected and unloved. The tone of how you are describing your wife tells me that you don't think very highly of her. That probably rubs off on her and makes her tense up and feel insecure.
> 
> I know you're working hard for her, that's an admirable guy trait. But from your wife's point of view, you are neglecting her. She doesn't want your paycheck, she wants you. She is crying out for you to spend more time with her, to romance her.
> 
> You can rationalize that this is your wife's problem and hers alone, or you can step up and be the husband your wife needs to feel secure. I would imagine that if you make her feel safe and secure, build her confidence up and show her that you cherish her and appreciate her, encourage her to go out and try something new, you'll notice a change in her behavior.


:iagree:

The rub here is that you have the job you have. My take: SSI is designed to make sure a disabled person does not live below the poverty line. It's based on family income level and not benefits earned. If she's collecting, you don't make much and struggle financially (my former FIL was on it so I know). I sympathize.

The alternative is you have a job that requires overtime (companies during tough economic times do not want to invest the money to hire and train more permanent workers). Either way, you probably don't work the hours you do by choice.

So, the only real solution here (absent a radical improvement in pay and working conditions) is for your wife to contribute more. This is not a paradox of "how do I get her to do more when she is lazy" - the issue is "where does your wife put in the effort".

Suggestion: bring your wife into the process. She probably feels demotivated by being stuck at home while you are out and about (this does not mean she sees the situation accurately - it's just her reality). Sit her down and tell her:

"Wife, I really miss spending time with you, but I must work to support us and have a place for your son to come on the weekends. This job is the best I can manage right now, it's honest work, and I will not be disrespected because you do not approve.

The only way forward is for you to take some of the burden off me so that I can have the time to spend with you. Since you have free time during the day after studies and housework does not appeal to you, I need to see you do one of two things. You could find a part-time job to fill up the free time after studying; I could then look for a job that pays a bit less and I'd be home more with you. Or, you can accelerate your studies and get a full-time job, which would help more over the long run. Otherwise we are stuck due to financial realities"

Also, insist on therapy and medication (if needed) for her conditions. You don't know how productive she can be unless she makes her healthy functioning a priority.

If that does not work you should do a separation (not the same as a divorce). Simply tell her that you will not continue to enable her poor functioning and if she will not partner with you she can see if she can manage on her own for a spell.


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## annagarret

FirstYearDown said:


> Your wife is lazy. Sorry, but there is no excuse for being home all day and not cleaning. She can easily divide her study time and housework.
> 
> She is also immature and manipulative. What was the point of her telling your son to shun you, _just because you moved to the foot of the bed? _Unacceptable.
> 
> It makes me feel angry for you, when I read that she has the balls to put you down. Lazy people are often the most self righteous.
> 
> You have a choice: let this continue or stand up for yourself. Set some boundaries about what you will and will not tolerate.


this statement is so unfair....how can anyone judge anothers marriage given only one side......


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## accept

A pity you didnt join in yesterday where both the husband and the wife had their own thread which has now attracted over 50 responses each. I would have liked to hear yours.


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## annagarret

You mentioned she is going back to school, that is so honorable on her part. Try to minimize stuff like dishes, laundry, etc.....I know it can be tough but marriage is more about toughing it out through through the nitty gritty......the characteristics that make an individual......does she love you, would she have your back, does she have integrity, loyalty, devotion....if she has that your a lucky guy......all the rest is just fillers.........

Blessings


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