# Sexless marriage and divorce



## Troubledlinda

My husband of 4 years has completely lost interest in having sex with me, this happened gradually over time. In the past 2 years, we had sex twice (last time being i january this year). When I try to bring it up he gets upset and gives me the silent treatment... 

Recently I brought it up again and he said that he didn't marry me to take care of my sexual needs :scratchhead:and that he is no longer attracted to me because I am not kind... 

I am wandering where he gets his needs met? I am suspecting either pronography or he's having an affair... but I've snooped and haven't found anything suspicious. 

My question is, if a married couple doesn't have sex for a long period of time (let's say a year) can that be a biblical reason for separation/divorce even if there is no proof of adultery? 

I am a Christian, he doesn't believe in God. 
(For more details on my situation, I have another thread going under silent treament)


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## EleGirl

Divorce is allowed when one spouse is not a Christian, and that spouse willfully and permanently deserts the Christian spouse (1 Corinthians 7:15).

Your husband has deserted you when it comes to intimacy. 

How Should a Christian View Marriage and Divorce? - Focus on the Family


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## EleGirl

So what have you done that he believes is not kind?


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## Troubledlinda

EleGirl said:


> So what have you done that he believes is not kind?


He doesn't say. I told him that people show kindness in different ways (like the 5 love languages type thing) and that he should tell him what he consideres kind and unkind but he doesn't ever say what he means by it... 

He blames me for our marriage being the way it is but he doesn't give me anything to work with.


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## jac70

EleGirl said:


> Divorce is allowed when one spouse is not a Christian, and that spouse willfully and permanently deserts the Christian spouse (1 Corinthians 7:15).
> 
> Your husband has deserted you when it comes to intimacy.
> 
> How Should a Christian View Marriage and Divorce? - Focus on the Family


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## SimplyAmorous

I feel a sexless marriage (10 or less times a year - according to sex Therapists)... should be written into the vows....but even without this....the words themselves..."the vow to love , honor & cherish"....so I feel = a happening mutually pleasurable "fulfilling each others physical needs" sex life...which also has the power to lift us up in the emotional ...or drain us feeling unloved, undesired...rejected, deeply unfulfilled in our marriages... 

It's just NOT Ok...



> *Troubledlinda said*: He doesn't say. I told him that people show kindness in different ways (like the 5 love languages type thing) and that he should tell him what he consideres kind and unkind but he doesn't ever say what he means by it...
> 
> He blames me for our marriage being the way it is but he doesn't give me anything to work with.


 You said he gives you the *Silent Treatment* when you try to talk about this ...this is Passive aggressive behavior...a marriage destroyer... 

It is a form of control... can read more about this here >>

The Boomerang Relationship: Passivity, Irresponsibility and Resulting Partner Anger


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## woundedwarrior

Divorce is more than justified. Spouses that completely shut out any interest in improving a marriage, have already left. Most of the time they will try to drive you away & then blame you when you finally leave. Christian/non Christian marriages never last. My ex only attended church to appease her Mom, when we needed a babysitter etc. She cheated to finally drive me away because she wanted the single life again. She showed anger & silent treatments as well when I tried to improve us, because she no longer wanted "us", so it became irritating to her. Once one partner refuses to try, then its over!!!


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## Troubledlinda

SimplyAmorous said:


> I feel a sexless marriage (10 or less times a year - according to sex Therapists)... It's just NOT Ok...
> The Boomerang Relationship: Passivity, Irresponsibility and Resulting Partner Anger


For us it has come down to once a year! In a recent argument, he said that he didn't marry me to fulfill my sexual needs :scratchhead: 

The most upsetting part for me is that, if he's not getting it at home, where is he getting it? He never gets dressed in front of me, locks the bathroom door when he's in there and looks the other way if I get dressed in his presence...


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## Troubledlinda

SimplyAmorous said:


> I feel a sexless marriage (10 or less times a year - according to sex Therapists)... should be written into the vows....but even without this....the words themselves..."the vow to love , honor & cherish"....so I feel = a happening mutually pleasurable "fulfilling each others physical needs" sex life...which also has the power to lift us up in the emotional ...or drain us feeling unloved, undesired...rejected, deeply unfulfilled in our marriages...
> 
> It's just NOT Ok...
> 
> You said he gives you the *Silent Treatment* when you try to talk about this ...this is Passive aggressive behavior...a marriage destroyer...
> 
> It is a form of control... can read more about this here >>
> 
> The Boomerang Relationship: Passivity, Irresponsibility and Resulting Partner Anger


This is one of the best articles I've read so far... thanks for sharing


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## Vulcan2013

Take a look at this: Intimacy Anorexia

He has an aversion to intimacy (sexual, spiritual and emotional). Also most certainly an addiction to porn and/or masturbation. There's a 10 question quiz on that site - bet he scores 100. 

So sorry. That place has a good program, but he has to want to change.


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## frusdil

Honestly Linda I'm surprised that you even want to have sex with your husband the way he treats you. I don't understand why you don't leave him, I really don't.

By removing sex and intimacy from your marriage, he in fact has broken the marriage contract - sex is implied when you get married.


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## Troubledlinda

frusdil said:


> Honestly Linda I'm surprised that you even want to have sex with your husband the way he treats you. I don't understand why you don't leave him, I really don't.
> 
> By removing sex and intimacy from your marriage, he in fact has broken the marriage contract - sex is implied when you get married.


Hi, at the moment I'm not into having sex with him... I've lost interest a while back after being rejected so many times... I dont feel close to him at all and I need to, to want to have seex with him. 
I guess, I just wanted to have people opinion on the subject. I keep wandering where he's'getting it from as I have no evidence of him cheating on me. 
I am preparing myself to leave him... I've had enough of this mistreatment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ne9907

> Divorce is more than justified. Spouses that completely shut out any interest in improving a marriage, have already left


Linda
You do have a justification for divorce. It is my experience that when a sexless marriage happens, it is because of deeper issues that need to be addressed however, both partners must be willing to attend counseling.
Do you know if he has any sexual traumas from his past?
Does he like to look at other women?

Would be he willing to attend counseling to fix this issue?


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## Troubledlinda

ne9907 said:


> Linda
> You do have a justification for divorce. It is my experience that when a sexless marriage happens, it is because of deeper issues that need to be addressed however, both partners must be willing to attend counseling.
> Do you know if he has any sexual traumas from his past?
> Does he like to look at other women?
> 
> Would be he willing to attend counseling to fix this issue?


Hello, 

My H has never talked much of his past... I know that he's had like 2 serious relationships but mostly he's been in non-commited relashionships. 

In regards to sexual traumas, I have no idea! 

I've suggested MC for a long time but he says he has no problem and if only I would fix myself, things would be so much better in our marriage! :scratchhead:


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## wilderness

woundedwarrior said:


> Divorce is more than justified. Spouses that completely shut out any interest in improving a marriage, have already left. Most of the time they will try to drive you away & then blame you when you finally leave. Christian/non Christian marriages never last. My ex only attended church to appease her Mom, when we needed a babysitter etc. She cheated to finally drive me away because she wanted the single life again. She showed anger & silent treatments as well when I tried to improve us, because she no longer wanted "us", so it became irritating to her. Once one partner refuses to try, then its over!!!


The thing that caught me about this post was what you said: 
"Christian/Non Christian marriages never last."

Looking back, my marital problems coincided with me becoming a believer in Jesus Christ. I do believe it had something to do with my divorce. (I'm not blaming God, it's not His fault, however)


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## woundedwarrior

Maybe you were given an exit for a reason. My wife & I separated twice & I still wonder if it was God leading me away or bringing me back? I don't think what we have is what HE had in mind for us & we're both Christians.


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## Troubledlinda

woundedwarrior said:


> Maybe you were given an exit for a reason. My wife & I separated twice & I still wonder if it was God leading me away or bringing me back? I don't think what we have is what HE had in mind for us & we're both Christians.


Sorry, I don't quite understand what you mean? 
Why would God allow a marriage if it is going to be a bad one that ends in divorce? Which He hates? So confusing


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## woundedwarrior

It is still our free will to make our own decisions. But I believe there are signs & feelings that try and influence us or not. My case was I married my first wife, we were close for 7 years, had 2 sons, she cheated on me, wanted to be single again & 20 years later, she still is & bitter.
I married my 2nd wife, we were happy, but had a lot of conflict with "our" daughter, that caused marital turmoil, with me being #3 on the totem pole. There is now a grand daughter, so I'm mostly #4. Our marriage is more of a companionship that I've learned to live with. I fought hard for the past 3 years to re ignite us but finally gave up.
Once they "fall out of love", for whatever reason, you rarely get them back. A true marriage isn't rocket science. You love each other, you want to be happy, you do what you have to willingly & you stay close. It always takes two.


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## unbelievable

I don't even pretend to be a preacher or a marriage counselor. I do believe you were created in the image of God and I don't believe anyone was created to be abused. You have a sex drive because the Almighty put it there. A one-sided sexless union isn't what God had in mind for marriage. I don't believe one should hop in and out of marriage carelessly, but one can't be married alone just like one can't play tennis without a partner. If you have no partner, you might have a piece of paper and a piece of jewelry. You don't have a marriage or anything to build one with. I don't believe God wishes perpetual slavery or misery on anyone, especially when they serve no purpose.


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## woundedwarrior

You're absolutely right. The harder grey area is still, do you keep fighting for what should be or accept defeat & move on? I've decided to stay & accept, based on these factors: it's my 2nd marriage, I'm 49, I love my wife, I feel I should still honor my commitment & we've had over 17 years together. Younger couples with only a few years together shouldn't be so surrendering as me. Maybe it's the "martyr" in me I don't know? I've always put others first.


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## Troubledlinda

woundedwarrior said:


> You're absolutely right. The harder grey area is still, do you keep fighting for what should be or accept defeat & move on? I've decided to stay & accept, based on these factors: it's my 2nd marriage, I'm 49, I love my wife, I feel I should still honor my commitment & we've had over 17 years together. Younger couples with only a few years together shouldn't be so surrendering as me. Maybe it's the "martyr" in me I don't know? I've always put others first.


H has made it clear, I guess. After 70 something days of silent treatment, he left our bed 4 nights ago and prefers to sleep on the couch... what else can I do but to move out of here?


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## woundedwarrior

That would be hard to take, silent treatments are the worse.


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## Mr Blunt

> I am preparing myself to leave him... I've had enough of this mistreatment.


From your posts it appears that your husband is failing his part of the marriage in a very damaging way. Furthermore, he is refusing to do anything to improve. That is a guaranteed formula for destroying a relationship.

Now that you made up your mind I hope that you have a plan and are now working on your plan. I would like to suggest that your efforts in your plan be geared to ONLY you and your children. Being concerned with your husband in any way will only delay and maybe sabotage your plan. How he is getting his sexual needs met is irrelevant at this time and your preoccupation with that issue will only absorb your time and energy and waste valuable time that you could be building yourself f up.


I hope your plan involves building yourself up body, mind, and spirit. This will prevent you from getting weak and compromising.


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## DTO

EleGirl said:


> Divorce is allowed when one spouse is not a Christian, and that spouse willfully and permanently deserts the Christian spouse (1 Corinthians 7:15).
> 
> Your husband has deserted you when it comes to intimacy.


I also agree.

I would add further that we are not only supposed to abstain from sex outside of marriage, but we are commanded to provide for the satisfaction of our spouse once married. I don't see where the Bible says divorce is permitted for adultery but not withholding. You could argue that both are equivalently bad forms of sexual immorality and both are divorceable offenses.

But, just keep in mind that you are "unequally yoked" so to speak. None of these arguments will work with him (and in fact might not work even if he were Christian) and should be used strictly to set your own personal boundaries.


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## Troubledlinda

The bible says that nothing is impossible to God and that with faith and prayers, we can move mountains... Do you think that this is true for our situations as well? Can God change this abusive man into a loving, caring, remorseful person? and thus change our marriage around? 

How many of you have been able to save your sexless marriage around by faithfully asking God to change your non-christian spouse?


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## Mr Blunt

> The bible says that nothing is impossible to God and that with faith and prayers, we can move mountains... Do you think that this is true for our situations as well? *Can God change this abusive man into a loving, caring, remorseful person? and thus change our marriage around? *




*YES He can but He won’t!!!*


Show me one place in the Bible where God forced His will on another a person to change against their will! I have never found one and I doubt that you will find one.
I can find a lot of verses that show that God does NOT force His will onto people.

I am not trying to dash your hopes but I do not want you expecting God to do something that He does not do. I know that you are suffering and your husband is failing in a very important part of your marriage.

I have seen these type situations turn out good. What I have seen is that the suffering spouse finally makes God number one and not her /his spouse. What happened then was that God eventually started fulfilling His promises to the ones that make him number one. The result was that the dedicated person became much stronger and was not devastated. I am not saying that you will have no pain at all. I am saying that the pain will be mild and you will find other areas of life that are invigorating.

*God does not want to be second place to your husband. You can not change your husband you can only change you!![/*SIZE]


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## woundedwarrior

I find myself between a rock & a hard place with this subject. Sexless marriages are sins, but so is just going through the motions without real desire. It is said that you are being a prostitute for your spouse & only loaning out your body.
My wife has no interest or desire, but is willing when I persisted. This empty boring sex has now caused me to lose interest, I feel emotionally worse after, than not doing it at all. I know she isn't being purposely mean, just no spark? I don't see non emotional sex being any better than none in God's eyes, so I don't see how not to sin???


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## chillymorn

your done.....and rightfully so. 

so what are you going to do about it?

you are a beliver and he is not or indifferent at best. so I don't think not divorcing because of your faith is the correct answer.

do you work? can you suport yourself?

start an exit plan.
save some money
seek legal advice
start working on your self....get as healthy as possible. exercise,eat right and get sleep.

start reading some how to divorce articals.

then when your ready hit the road.and don't look back!


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## Fozzy

woundedwarrior said:


> I find myself between a rock & a hard place with this subject. Sexless marriages are sins, but so is just going through the motions without real desire. It is said that you are being a prostitute for your spouse & only loaning out your body.
> My wife has no interest or desire, but is willing when I persisted. This empty boring sex has now caused me to lose interest, I feel emotionally worse after, than not doing it at all. I know she isn't being purposely mean, just no spark? I don't see non emotional sex being any better than none in God's eyes, so I don't see how not to sin???


My opinion only here--I don't believe a sexless marriage is a sin necessarily. A person can't make themselves feel something that they just don't feel. Now withholding out of spite or malice is a different matter and you can make a pretty strong argument that it might qualify as a sin in that instance, but it doesn't sound like that's the case here.

You have to remember to make the distinction--just because something is bad doesn't mean it's a sin.

Still sucks though.


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## woundedwarrior

*Re: Re: Sexless marriage and divorce*



Fozzy said:


> My opinion only here--I don't believe a sexless marriage is a sin necessarily. A person can't make themselves feel something that they just don't feel. Now withholding out of spite or malice is a different matter and you can make a pretty strong argument that it might qualify as a sin in that instance, but it doesn't sound like that's the case here.
> 
> You have to remember to make the distinction--just because something is bad doesn't mean it's a sin.
> 
> Still sucks though.


Thanks & I was thinking the same thing, I'm figuring God has kept me here with her for a reason, so He'll take care of me.


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## FormerSelf

You can't really kill yourself by overguessing as to why a spouse would passive aggressively shut down and move to the couch...with the only stated reason for pulling away is that there is a lack of kindness. Sounds to me like a lame deflection to keep things away from the real issue. My guess is that there is porn involved or having some sort of online affair.
I have been through this with my own wife (cheated on me)...and we are Christians...and regardless of belief systems...when a spouse feels entitled to withhold without explanation...bad things creep in.
It's best to throw the blinders off...and get confrontational about his garbage behavior. Force a crisis by setting boundaries (i.e. we either go get counseling and get to the bottom of this or I'm packing up and leaving). Don't let this stretch out any longer than it has to.


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## Troubledlinda

FormerSelf said:


> You can't really kill yourself by overguessing as to why a spouse would passive aggressively shut down and move to the couch...with the only stated reason for pulling away is that there is a lack of kindness. Sounds to me like a lame deflection to keep things away from the real issue. My guess is that there is porn involved or having some sort of online affair.
> I have been through this with my own wife (cheated on me)...and we are Christians...and regardless of belief systems...when a spouse feels entitled to withhold without explanation...bad things creep in.
> It's best to throw the blinders off...and get confrontational about his garbage behavior. Force a crisis by setting boundaries (i.e. we either go get counseling and get to the bottom of this or I'm packing up and leaving). Don't let this stretch out any longer than it has to.


Not only has he moved to the couch (2 weeks ago) but I've been on the silent treatment for 80 plus days now... every attempt I've made to break the silence has put the wall between us even higher so I've made my decision, I'm leaving. This is not the first time it has happened, in our four years of marriage, I've received the ST so many times, he's left the bed so many nights and for reasons that son't deserve this kind of treatment.... 

Is there porn involved? probably... is there an affair? most probably, I have ZERO proof but my intuition tells me there is another person in here... I mean in 2 years we've been intimate twice! and bringing up the issue ends up in me getting the ST so he knows I wont go there. 

Once I asked him if he was seeing someone (earlier on) and he responded that if I didn't trust him, there was no point of us even staying together since trust is the basis of marriage :scratchhead: end of conversation!


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## woundedwarrior

Leave & don't look back. He has shut you out of his life, so time to move on. He'll realize eventually how he screwed up, but you deserve & will find happiness.


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## Fozzy

woundedwarrior said:


> Thanks & I was thinking the same thing, I'm figuring God has kept me here with her for a reason, so He'll take care of me.


Don't wait for God to fix your marriage. Start working on it yourself. If He wants to pitch in, all the better.


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## woundedwarrior

I've been working on it & have done everything possible. I take the good with the bad & we go on. I can't create passion that isn't there. We still have a lot of positive things & by evidence of some other posts, things could be a lot worse.


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## Troubledlinda

woundedwarrior said:


> I've been working on it & have done everything possible. I take the good with the bad & we go on. I can't create passion that isn't there. We still have a lot of positive things & by evidence of some other posts, things could be a lot worse.


It is good that you still have a lot of positive points! 
I can't remember what my H looks like naked... he never dresses in front of me and locks to bathroom door to keep me out... turns the other way when I get dressed in his presence... what a sad way to live!


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## woundedwarrior

I don't know how you do it? Some days I wish things were that bad for me so I could call it quits. She does just enough to keep me here, but still not a marriage.


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## Rough Patch Sewing

Troubledlinda, are there any clues to his avoidance and compartmentalization of sexual intimacy? Maybe I missed it before, but is sex his biggest issue?

Does he meet your other needs at all?

Perhaps he has a chemical imbalance. Perhaps it is psychological or a result of sexual abuse of some sort from his past that is preventing him from engaging you intimately.

Whatever the true cause of this problem . . . to me his biggest offense is his refusal to acknowledge and deal with this as a problem. Passive aggressive behavior only makes this worse for you. He owes you that acknowledgement that there is a problem and doing something positive about it. Marriage is about unity that is based on mutual deference. 

I feel for you in this predicament. Has he abandoned you in other ways?


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## yolo62

Troubledlinda said:


> My husband of 4 years has completely lost interest in having sex with me, this happened gradually over time. In the past 2 years, we had sex twice (last time being i january this year). When I try to bring it up he gets upset and gives me the silent treatment...
> 
> Recently I brought it up again and he said that he didn't marry me to take care of my sexual needs :scratchhead:and that he is no longer attracted to me because I am not kind...
> 
> I am wandering where he gets his needs met? I am suspecting either pronography or he's having an affair... but I've snooped and haven't found anything suspicious.
> 
> My question is, if a married couple doesn't have sex for a long period of time (let's say a year) can that be a biblical reason for separation/divorce even if there is no proof of adultery?
> 
> I am a Christian, he doesn't believe in God.
> (For more details on my situation, I have another thread going under silent treament)


Sex is an important part of marriage. In my opinion, no intimacy after just 4 years is a criminal offence! Give him a week or month's notice that he must do something to satisfy your need as a wife or you may be forced to ask for separation/divorce. Good luck!


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