# Anyone dealing with a spouse with ADHD



## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

Hi, I have another thread posted about wether I should stay in the marraige or go. What I want to know if there is anyone else dealing with an ADHD spouse. 

How do you handle the inappropriate stuff? Has it caused affairs in your marraige or even emotional affairs? If so, how do you deal with it.

Does your spouse think everything has to have an immediate fix? My problem is dealing with when he sees something, he needs it yesterday. If his need isn't fixed then he bugs me until I give in. Now that he knows there are issues in the marraige and I have one foot out the door, he thinks a nice dinner and cuddling is going solve it? 

I just wanted to get some advice on you handle your spouse and if you have kids, how does your spouse interact with them? Does your spouse get the kids all crazy just before bed and then yells and complains they don't listen?

Any advice is appreciated. I have two kids with ADHD but I want a more adult viewpoint!
Thanks


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

My husband has never been diagnosed but we both know.

When he needs something fixed, it usually involves buying something. So he buys it. When I tell him that money is tight and he needs to keep his mitts out of the till, he usually remembers.

He "forgets" everything. Except the things of genuine interest to him. It used to be so frustrating! Yah you managed to remember to stop and get pipe for a spud gun. What about the FOOD?!?!

He riles the kids up before bed... And we developed a routine to accommodate cool down. Which he does.

The happiest day of my marriage was the day I realized that it is an integral part of who he is. It is the same thing that motivates him to bring me flowers spur of the moment. Or sweep the floor when I look tired. 

Riling up the kids before bed is not wrong. Different challenge. But not wrong. I married a man with ADHD. He was that when I met him. He was that the entire time we dated. When we moved in. When we married. To love him is to love him as he is.


----------



## nanc (Jul 22, 2010)

My husband was diagnosed with ADHD as a child. For many years he was medicated and then went off of them as a high-schooler/young adult. Now that we are a little older and married I have found that there are some things that really trigger it. For example, if something breaks/needs remedying he will try and figure it out until he's blue in the face. I try to reason with him that it really doesn't make sense to fix things we don't own (we're currently renting) and to just let someone else deal because it causes him so much anxiety if he can't get the job done. 

I am thankful that nothing TOO major has come from this. Sure, I get annoyed and wish I could wave a magic wand and take some of that energy away but I can't, so the best thing to do is to keep him constructively busy. When he's not working I try to have him help with dinner, or walk the dog, or do laundry. It's not easy (because right now we don't have kids but I sometimes feel like *I* do) but I married him knowing this about him. I supported him in getting some medical attention to deal with some other underlying issues and I think that has helped deal with any of that residual ADHD that may still be in his system (if you will...)

Best of luck to you.

Nancy of www.ughmyhusband.com


----------



## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

I know this sounds terrible but are you two lucky!

I was not aware he had been diagnosed with ADHD until after we were married. He was a go getter and I liked that about him. It wasn't really until the kids were born that the ADHD issues started hitting me in the face.

He could not even be in the same room if the kids were crying as babies. I had one and in tenmonths later, found out I was pregnant again after we were told I could not concieve. With two little ones in the house, one was always crying or needing something.He couldn't watch the kids either, they made too much noise.

I refer to him as commercial dad. He had no real relationship with the kids until 12 years later. But he would start wrestling with our son and as soon as the movie or tv show he was watching came back on, he expected our son to stop wrestling and sit there quietly. Well if that is the only attention he was getting, that excited my son more which led to hubby yelling at my son.ugh!

He has had flirtatious affairs and one emotional affair and the therapist says it was ADHD. Both my kids have ADHD and I still hold them accountable for bad behavior. I don't believe this is related to ADHD. I think you know it is wrong to cheat.

He has now started medication and wants me to stay to see if the meds will work and help him control things. From the experience with my kids, I know the meds will slow him down,but they are not going to be an instant cure all as he wants to believe. 

Yes, I think it is great that I can put a box down and he will have whatever is in it put together, but lately the third child requires more work than the first two. The third referring to him. He also blurts out things that are disrespectful and inappropriate in front of my friends and it embarrasses me and them. They don't say anything but I can tell by the looks they are thinking it!

Has anybody got any advice on a spouse that takes meds for ADHD or dealt with these issues?


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

There are all sorts of ways to improve social behavior, but he needs to be willing to work on it. He can work with a therapist who works with ADHD. Impulse control is the big issue, of course, although it sounds like he has some sensory integration issues too. You may want to have him more fully evaluated. There are some new brain-retraining strategies out there; some have had amazing success. Do some research. If you can find a research program nearby, at a university for example, he might get help for free. 

I have a 20 year old son with pretty severe ADHD and I suspect he has other issues, too (born a preemie at 32 weeks). He's learned so much! But I wonder how he'll manage marriage and a family. Quite a challenge under the best of circumstances. 

Give it your best shot, b/c you know he is more than the aDHD. But he has to want it to work out and make a continuous effort, and that's hard. Good luck!


----------



## galatians6:9guy (Mar 28, 2013)

I was diagnosed 3 days ago with ADHD. My wife and I have been separated for seven months as of today. About a month ago, my wife told me that she wanted a divorce. The issues (to sum it up and make it sound way too simple) have been my rage, mood swings, I have kissed other women, and she feels as though she has been emotionally abused. 

When I was a kid, my parents asked me if I would go see a doctor to find out if there was anything "wrong with me". I was moody, depressed, and had some CRAZY rage, especially towards my mom. I pitched a fit and refused to go. Recently, I had hit such a depression that my father recommended that I see someone. So I did.

I just told my wife today about the ADHD. She said "wow, that makes sense" but she was really just referring to how distracted I can be. 

I have a lot of hope that I can be a different man. I had hope before I found out this information. I feel a bit like a victim to have gone through my entire life with this issue and have not known it. I have a book called "Is it you, me, or ADD" that was written to people diagnosed with ADHD later in life and their partners. Right now, she doesn't seem too interested in finding out about ADHD. That hurts a bit.

We were best friends. Had a good marriage. No wonder I couldn't see it. We are able to have conversations. We have not been nasty. I still see hope. There is none if she doesn't want to try. There is none if she just doesn't want to be married to me.

I am praying that we can make it through this storm.


----------



## brokenhearted2 (Aug 23, 2012)

tamara24 said:


> I know this sounds terrible but are you two lucky!
> 
> I was not aware he had been diagnosed with ADHD until after we were married. He was a go getter and I liked that about him. It wasn't really until the kids were born that the ADHD issues started hitting
> 
> ...


----------



## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

tamara24 said:


> Hi, I have another thread posted about wether I should stay in the marraige or go. What I want to know if there is anyone else dealing with an ADHD spouse.
> 
> How do you handle the inappropriate stuff? Has it caused affairs in your marraige or even emotional affairs? If so, how do you deal with it.
> 
> ...


As a husband with ADD... trust me. I do NOT want to be like this. I am trapped with this brain. I try as hard as I can but it's no use. Trying harder is not going to fix this problem. For many years, I prayed everynight (I had crying fits) asking, begging God to make me whole, to heal me. In spite of the fact that my IQ is 140, when I was in college, I studied 2 or 3 times harder than my class mates because that was what it took to make the kind of grades I wanted to make. When I read for comprehension, I have to read and stab each word. It takes me 30 minutes to read a page... IF I want to remember what I read. I made it out of college.. got a nice job only to find out that my boss wouldn't give me 2 to 3 times more time to finish my assignments compared to my peers. Every year or two, I got a "fresh start". It always ended with my boss asking me, "wouldn't be happier working some place else?" Not really, I love my jobs, I like the people I work with... I just couldn't get along with them. I have an extroidinary wife who understands me and lovse me in spite of myself. I love her so much. If it weren't for her I'd probably be living in a cardboard box under a bridge. She puts up with my "melt downs". I have these wars in my head. I'm acting out. My brain says, "Don't do it... calm down"... then I explode. My brain is saying, "stopt it!!! You're just embaressing yourself!!" And I can't. My brain is saying " You IDIOT!!! STOP!!!" and I can't. I've taken anger management classes, it helped, and I'm taking medication.. which helps but I still do it. I can't remember spit. Wife can tell me where she's going and ask me 5 minutes later.. I can't tell you.

Unfortunately for me, I wasn't diagnosed as ADD until it was too late.... career wise. I was 45 and forced into retirement.


----------



## Pitbullmol (Apr 3, 2013)

galatians6:9guy said:


> I was diagnosed 3 days ago with ADHD. My wife and I have been separated for seven months as of today. About a month ago, my wife told me that she wanted a divorce. The issues (to sum it up and make it sound way too simple) have been my rage, mood swings, I have kissed other women, and she feels as though she has been emotionally abused.
> 
> When I was a kid, my parents asked me if I would go see a doctor to find out if there was anything "wrong with me". I was moody, depressed, and had some CRAZY rage, especially towards my mom. I pitched a fit and refused to go. Recently, I had hit such a depression that my father recommended that I see someone. So I did.
> 
> ...


I didnt plan on posting at all here, was just looking for advice but I saw your post and had to respond Galations.
First, There is Hope. ALWAYS remember that. I too was in your same situation. My wife I and I seperated for 9 months due to the rage, mood swings, "checking out" and emotional abuse. I was not diagnosed ADHD at that time so i just started working on what she feared the most, my anger. She wanted nothing to do with me but one of the greatest gifts many ADHD people have is tenaciousness. Stick in there, show her how much you love her. She may not be willing to learn about ADHD now, but she may be so angry she sees your diagnosis as a "crutch" to excuse past mistakes. Once you are able to show her how much you cherish her and what she means to you, her anger will hopefully cool and she can look past that judgement. 

Mistakes may have been made in the past, but mistakes can also be forgiven. The road is not easy, I will not lie to you, but IMHO it is worth it. I was told many times that "I want to divorce" "Go away" " I dont love you" among many other things. The key for my wife and I was that I listened at the time and did not immediately try everything i could to "fix" it. If she said "go away", I left instead of trying to convince otherwise or talk about anything else. I always let her know I loved her and was not going to give up while doing this. 

The best piece of advice I was given was from the marriage counselor before my wife told me to leave and that she didnt want to see the counselor together anymore. It was this: "You need to be standing, waiting with your arms open. She is not ready now to be together, but if she ever is you still need to be waiting with your arms open."

"Is it you, Me or the ADD" is a great resource, "The Love Dare" is also. I still read "The Love Dare" 3-4 times a year because it is very easy for me to fall back into my routines even with treatment.

I hope you keep pursuing treatment for your ADHD and over time she will see the strengths many of us have as well as the lesseneing of the weaknesses. I apologise if i have been disjointed in my post, just so many thoughts and memories came flooding back when i read your post i am trying to get all the helpful ones in there. Remember there is Hope and You can do whatever you set your mind to. HE may have given some of us brains with disjointed wiring, but HE also gave us many gifts that come easily to us that many others have to try hard for. I wish you luck my friend and will be watching this thread.


----------

