# One year since my divorce, some advice, and my good-bye's



## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

“One year since the divorce, some advice, and my good-bye’s.”

It’s been one year now since my divorce was finalized. (It was final June 6, 2011). The past year has been very good for me. For those who know me, the divorce was the best thing I could have done. The ex-husband, affectionately known as Asshat, was a very mentally abusive man who was also a serial cheater. I was married to him for 14 years when the divorce was finalized.

I have seen Asshat dig himself a bigger hole than what he was in before. Within a month of our divorce, he picked up and moved in with a 22 year old girl, and her 1 year old child. Not too long ago, she kicked him out after she caught him cheating. 

*okay, try to follow along with this one…..the girl he cheated on me with, affectionately known as Skankasaurus Wrecks, or just plain ole Skanky for short, and the one I divorced him over, Asshat cheated on her with the 22 year old. He then moved in with the 22 year old but he still continued to sleep with Skanky. Skanky also had herself another boy toy, and she slept with both her boy toy and Asshat. Asshat and Skanky’s boy toy, also known as DumbAss, because, well, he’s dumb like that…both knew that each one of them was sleeping with Skanky. They then waged some sort of war against each other like two goats fighting for top spot on the mountain in the quest to be Skanky’s “chosen one”. It’s really fvcked up.

Yes, all of that in spite of the fact that Asshat was living with another girl. Well, needless to say, the 22 yr old caught him cheating, and booted his betraying behind to the curb. Thank goodness she was smart enough to do so. However, Asshat blamed her for being the cause of *his* problems. (He blames his problems on anything and everything though, rather than just realizing he is the cause of his own problems because he’s a friggen moron. Ummm, hellloooooo, can we say Karma?)

He’s now back with Skanky, I guess. I’m not really sure, but I really don’t care either. I just wanted him out of my life, and for the most part, he is. We have kids together, so every now and then I have to hold in my urge to vomit when I have to see him, but my gag reflex is getting better.

For me, I am doing very well. I am 3 weeks away from graduating college with my 2nd degree. I joined a gym, I lost weight, and toned up. Apple is looking pretty hot these days. Oh, yeaaahhhh. I also went and brought myself a motorcycle. I have such a blast riding around on it. Fun times, I tell ya. I have made many new friends throughout the biker community, and we often get together for rides. We have a 2 day, 4 state ride planned here soon.

I do not in any way regret my divorce. Asshat was an awful husband who did not deserve me. The improvements in my life have been significant since the divorce. My self-confidence has gone up; I’m smiling nearly every day, whereas before I stayed hidden from the world. I receive so many compliments on an almost daily basis on how great I am looking. My credit rating has improved, and I am enjoying my life.

I wanted to say to all of you who are new here, and new this whole experience. It fvcking sucks. I’m sorry, but there’s no way to sugar coat it. It fvcking sucks. Your entire world is destroyed. I mean, having your insides torn out, stomped on and then handed back to you is no walk in the park.

The pain of betrayal is probably one of the most devastating things a person will ever feel. If you have friends or “well-meaning” relatives telling you to “just get over it”, tell them to go screw themselves. Seriously. There is no way to “just get over it”. Remember also, the infidelity of your spouse is NEVER your fault. I don’t care how big of a controlling bish you were, or how neglectful of a husband you were, if they weren’t happy, they should have left, not cheated. There is NEVER any excuse or justification for cheating. People cheat for one reason and one reason only-because they can.

It’s not because they were unhappy, it’s not because they were drunk, it’s not because “it just happened”, it’s not because they tripped and fell into a vagina. It’s because they could. People have free will, and free choice. They cheated because they could.

Good news is you’re not dead. You can rebuild yourself. You can get your life back. You have another chance. You have to keep moving. One day at a time. If you and your spouse are working on reconciliation, I applaud you. That’s wonderful! I love it when a couple can overcome their troubles and be reunited as one. 

But, don’t jump in above your head. I’m sure you’ve read about false reconciliations by now. It’s true. Heed that advice. 

If you are going through the divorce process, I’m sorry. It’s not easy. You made a vow to someone. You’re standing there as your entire world crumbles around you. The person who said they loved you is now someone you don’t even recognize anymore. They cause you intentional pain when they swore they would protect you from anything.

I hope things work out for you the way you would like. I really do. I love it when families can be a family. Still, life goes on, with or without us. It’s up to us to keep up.

I joined TAM in March 2011. It was at that time, I was going through my own troubles. This place has been so helpful to me. A great big thank you to everyone who took the time to read about my woes, to those who took the time to write words of advice and encouragement, and to those who became my friends in real life. Now, it is time I moved in my life. 

I don’t know if I will ever be back or not. Maybe from time to time I will pop in and look for those old familiar faces. Even if I don’t, I will never forget you all who were there for a total stranger in her time of need. Thank you so much. If anyone wants to keep in contact with me outside of TAM, please send me a message. I will check back over the next few days before I fly away for good.

On a final note, time does heal. Give it time. Just give it time. I wish you all the best in life.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Awesome for you! I always maintain that the majority of people that I know who are divorced always end up doing pretty good..new relationships/interests, etc.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

"....it's not b/c they tripped and fell into a vagina" HA!! Thanks, I needed that today.

Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for the encouragement as I am currently going to be going through a divorce with what appears to be a passive agressive serial cheater. DD#1 of a PA was 5 years ago...DD#2 of an EA was last week. Just when you think you are past things and have a good marriage....

Your post really gives me hope. I am already starting to feel better about myself by telling him enough is enough, we are getting a divorce.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Well done Apple. Stay positive. Like others on here who leave you will be missed. 

Don't break a hip riding that bike.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

> *okay, try to follow along with this one…..the girl he cheated on me with, affectionately known as Skankasaurus Wrecks, or just plain ole Skanky for short, and the one I divorced him over, Asshat cheated on her with the 22 year old. He then moved in with the 22 year old but he still continued to sleep with Skanky. Skanky also had herself another boy toy, and she slept with both her boy toy and Asshat. Asshat and Skanky’s boy toy, also known as DumbAss, because, well, he’s dumb like that…both knew that each one of them was sleeping with Skanky. They then waged some sort of war against each other like two goats fighting for top spot on the mountain in the quest to be Skanky’s “chosen one”. It’s really fvcked up.


All I see there is drama and STDs.  YUCK!

Glad you're doing ok


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Just to confirm what Apple said, I just have to add that this board is truly wonderful. I don't think I could get thru this without this board. I love the advice and the support on here. The knowledge and wisdom on here is incredible. I always feel like everything I am experiencing is normal and I am not going insane like I think I am sometimes.

I love the fact that I can vent/*****/complain, etc. and it is okay.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

We'll miss you Apple - glad you're doing so well.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Awesome AppleDucklings! So glad that you're able to move on with your life. This calls for a knuckle bump!










That's what this forum is all about, coping with infidelity, whether you are in R or headed towards D, that's what its all about. The collective experience and wisdom on this board is incredible. Most have gone through this, either has a BS or giving insightful and valuable advice as a former wayward. 

I just feel for those who are still in the land of denial and living in the hell of limbo.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I read all of that and only got "but my gag reflex is getting better". LOL

Just kidding. It's great to see stories of the phoenix. Rising up after somebody destroys your world with selfishness.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Wow, letters like this are so wonderful to read! Thank you for sharing this.

Its the graduations that almost bring tears to my eyes. It must be June!


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## JustWaiting (Jun 28, 2011)

We will miss your insight and wit
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

From the Von Trap family and myself to you

Sound Of Music - So Long, Farewell - YouTube


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## Subi (Apr 4, 2012)

well done and good luck for the future.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

My Dear Friend.
You and I arrived here at much the same time. You and I both came to a realization that we were in a long relationship with someone who only saw the world through their eyes,incapable of walking in anybody else's shoes. 
Maybe the toughest part was coming to terms with the people we had become. Escaping a narcissist is hard. It required a herculean effort. You have done it. 

He sees your eyes now and he sees that he no longer has a hold on you. My Ex does too. It makes her angry.

It was hell. a hell that I will never revisit because I am a better person and will never allow another person to do that to me again. 


We did well. We got hit by more 2 x4's than we wanted her but in the end you are more than okay. I am too.

Thank you Apple for sharing the journey. It made my journey easier to know that i was not the only one.

As one who spent most of his life on two wheels, to another

May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind always be at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
and rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Apple,

You are so right... All the rationalization, all the excuses, all the issues, after you have lived it for years, you do come to the conclusion as you state...

"People cheat for one reason and one reason only-because they can... It’s because they could. People have free will, and free choice. They cheated because they could."


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

I'm glad to hear how well you are doing! Your post makes me happy and hopeful.  Keep enjoying your life, Apple.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Yeah, enough of the god damn excuses already.... ("I was in such a dark place") they cheat because they can.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

I wonder if these people who are able to cheat and lie to their spouses even understand the true meaning of the word "Love".

I'm doubting that very much right now, based on my own experiences.

Good Luck Apple!


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

Good luck to you Apple!!!

I'm happy to hear you're doing so well! I joined TAM just a few months before you and I feel like together we muddled through one of the biggest life changing events a person can experience. Although we both needed to follow different paths after d-day (I'm still in R and to the best of my knowledge it's going well), I always found your advice and insight so supportive.

Guess it is kinda like graduation day on TAM. I've been busy with a new part-time job (yay me!) and find myself visiting the forum less and less. I won't officially say good-bye since I'm probably still looking at 6 mos. to 3 more years of R and may still need some support along the way. 

I'm pondering PMing you to keep in touch Apple, you'd be the first person I'd want to contact if I ever had another d-day. Divorce is the consequence I've put on the table in such a scenario and you're the perfect example of how to make it out on the other side minus one Asshat and plus a whole lotta Assumesauce.


Congrats TAM grad!!


Fyi.... my join date is purposely incorrect since I was afraid someone might put 2 & 2 together and figure out it was me. I know it's highly improbable, but I was seriously paranoid about _everything_ those first few months.


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## 52flower (Mar 4, 2011)

Followed your journey from the start and I'm so happy and proud of you! You survived a difficult dysfunctional life with selfish Asshat and have built a healthy and happy one without him. It's nice to hear success stories. Hooray for you Apple! You've endured more than your share of heart break and anguish. Now it's your time to enjoy. Come back every once in a while. You have an abundance of wisdom and experience to share with others! Good luck - we'll miss you!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Congratulations. Messages like yours are important.

Can be virtually impossible to see that there can be something more positive, healthier and happier, on the other side of a failed marriage.

All one has to do is remove their Asshat ...


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

ahhhhhh a happy ending.


thanks for posting 

living life and being happy and sucessfull the best revenge!!!!!!!

I think you are superwoman! a real hero.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

*The Phoenix*

Rising from the ashes, you spread your wings to fly

Reaching now for those final dreams, belief will never die

Beautiful and so glorious, the eternal bird of fire

Soaring up into the sun, leaving behind the pyre

Dreams are now your destiny; reach with all your might

You’re a powerful inferno, ablaze and in full flight

Yesterday is over, today has just begun

The sky is now your playground your home is now the sun

Destiny is in your grasp, forget the doubts and fears

Your flame will burn eternally for all remaining years

There will be times of doubt, and moments of pure sorrow

But one thing that is ever true, you’re the angel of tomorrow.


XOXOXOXO,

~Pit~


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