# Considering separation - need advise



## shelly91 (9 mo ago)

Hi!
My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years now and I feel like I am falling out of love with him due to the increasing number of issues in the marriage.
We were both virgins before marriage by choice and we later found out that my husband has severe ED due to a condition called prostatitis. After trying each and every avenue to resolve this issue, we have failed and I have tried my best to accept this over the years. However, this is becoming very difficult for my mental wellbeing. I am still a virgin 4 years into marriage because we have not been able to resolve his ED. 
Is it selfish to seek a separation over a medical condition like this? I am just at a road block with what I should do.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Whether is selfish or not is irrelevant. What matters is what is it that you want to do and take actions to do it. 

IF You can't take it anymore, LEAVE now.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

shelly91 said:


> Hi!
> My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years now and I feel like I am falling out of love with him due to the increasing number of issues in the marriage.
> We were both virgins before marriage by choice and we later found out that my husband has severe ED due to a condition called prostatitis. After trying each and every avenue to resolve this issue, we have failed and I have tried my best to accept this over the years. However, this is becoming very difficult for my mental wellbeing. I am still a virgin 4 years into marriage because we have not been able to resolve his ED.
> Is it selfish to seek a separation over a medical condition like this? I am just at a road block with what I should do.


What kinds of treatment for the prostatitis/ED has he tried?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

shelly91 said:


> Hi!
> My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years now and I feel like I am falling out of love with him due to the increasing number of issues in the marriage.
> We were both virgins before marriage by choice and we later found out that my husband has severe ED due to a condition called prostatitis. After trying each and every avenue to resolve this issue, we have failed and I have tried my best to accept this over the years. However, this is becoming very difficult for my mental wellbeing. I am still a virgin 4 years into marriage because we have not been able to resolve his ED.
> Is it selfish to seek a separation over a medical condition like this? I am just at a road block with what I should do.


@shelly91 I‘m sorry you’re here with this problem in your marriage.

You mention “…increasing number of issues in the marriage.”
If ED was solved satisfactorily, would you still desire to divorce? What are the other issues?

Have you sought marriage counseling? Or sex therapy?
Not having PIV sex shouldn’t prevent you from being satisfied sexually, at least to some degree.

But in the end, you sound young and should not stay in a marriage where you are destined for lifelong unhappiness. That would be a terribly sad thing to do.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Do you do other things together sexually to keep you close?


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Did your husband know anything about this issue pre-marriage?


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

shelly91 said:


> Hi!
> My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years now and I feel like I am falling out of love with him due to the increasing number of issues in the marriage.
> We were both virgins before marriage by choice and we later found out that my husband has severe ED due to a condition called prostatitis. After trying each and every avenue to resolve this issue, we have failed and I have tried my best to accept this over the years. However, this is becoming very difficult for my mental wellbeing. I am still a virgin 4 years into marriage because we have not been able to resolve his ED.
> Is it selfish to seek a separation over a medical condition like this? I am just at a road block with what I should do.


I may be wrong, but I'm thinking you have not tried every avenue for his prostatitis, because I'm quite sure Viagra would get him up.

Again, may be wrong, has he tried that?


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## shelly91 (9 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> @shelly91 I‘m sorry you’re here with this problem in your marriage.
> 
> You mention “…increasing number of issues in the marriage.”
> If ED was solved satisfactorily, would you still desire to divorce? What are the other issues?
> ...





drencrom said:


> I may be wrong, but I'm thinking you have not tried every avenue for his prostatitis, because I'm quite sure Viagra would get him up.
> 
> Again, may be wrong, has he tried that?


We have tried Viagra and it has worked but he seems to have performance anxiety from it not having worked for so long.


re16 said:


> Did your husband know anything about this issue pre-marriage?


According to him, no. Also, I believe he didn't. He wasn't sexually active prior to our marriage and we are each others' first partners.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

It would be pretty hard to be celibate for life.... this is why a trial run is usually done pre-marriage, but that ship has sailed. Tough spot, it would be understandable if you left.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Do the doctor's know what is causing the inflammation? Has he considered going on an anti-inflammatory diet?
What has been done to treat his condition?


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

shelly91 said:


> We have tried Viagra and it has worked but he seems to have performance anxiety from it not having worked for so long.


Meaning what? Viagra only kept him up a short period of time?


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## shelly91 (9 mo ago)

drencrom said:


> Meaning what? Viagra only kept him up a short period of time?


Yes. When he starts thinking about it, he loses the erection.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

A guy would know he has ED even as a virgin. I guess he never bothered to tell you about it. This is why I think waiting until marriage for sex is a huge no no.


Could opt for penile implant surgery. Performance anxiety would be eliminated.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

shelly91 said:


> Hi!
> My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years now and I feel like I am falling out of love with him due to the increasing number of issues in the marriage.
> We were both virgins before marriage by choice and we later found out that my husband has severe ED due to a condition called prostatitis. After trying each and every avenue to resolve this issue, we have failed and I have tried my best to accept this over the years. However, this is becoming very difficult for my mental wellbeing. I am still a virgin 4 years into marriage because we have not been able to resolve his ED.
> Is it selfish to seek a separation over a medical condition like this? I am just at a road block with what I should do.


A man is able to know if he had ED while a virgin. Most likely he knew about it and chose not to share it with you before marriage. 
You are asking a specific question and you state that you're still a virgin after 4 years of marriage. So no, it's not selfish to leave your husband over this. It is affecting your mental health, and if you want children, this might be a challenge. The lack of intimacy breeds resentment and a lack of emotional connection and bonding. Don't feel bad for leaving this marriage. You tried for four years and this is still a problem. You don't owe him a sexless, loveless, and possibly childless life.


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## Wife5362 (Oct 30, 2013)

Can you describe more specifically what treatments your husband has sought? And what has he tried to make your sex life enjoyable even if PIV is not now or ever an option? There are many other ways to have a satisfactory sex life. Also, a man can have an orgasm even if he is not able to be fully erect. What have you tried for him In this regard?

Btw, Cialis helps not only with ED but also with enlarged prostate.

i guess I‘m not understanding how prostatitis is a permanent condition. Did he have a very long term infection and the swelling or inflammation is now permanent? Have you gone to the doctor with him to hear all the explanations for his condition and all options for treating it? Has the doctor given any prognosis for your husband’s condition? This type of information would all be very important for you to hear directly from the doctor. And from several doctors actually since this is so important for a functioning marriage and because it seems this is an unusual permanent condition for someone so young.

Also, how old are the two of you?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

@shelly91, are you saying that the prostatitis has been resolved, but now he has ED due to fear? If that is the case, this is now an entirely different discussion. I recommend that he see a therapist that can help him get over this. Also, he shouldn't be thinking about his past problems while trying to make love to you. He needs to focus on you.
I agree that he must have known prior to marriage, but neglected to tell you this significant tidbit.
Doe he know how serious this is for you and that you're thinking about divorcing him over it?


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## shelly91 (9 mo ago)

Cynthia said:


> @shelly91, are you saying that the prostatitis has been resolved, but now he has ED due to fear? If that is the case, this is now an entirely different discussion. I recommend that he see a therapist that can help him get over this. Also, he shouldn't be thinking about his past problems while trying to make love to you. He needs to focus on you.
> I agree that he must have known prior to marriage, but neglected to tell you this significant tidbit.
> Doe he know how serious this is for you and that you're thinking about divorcing him over it?


unfortunately, yes he does know how important this is for me as I have brought this up with him in different ways. However, he seems to have taken it lightly by continuing to tell me that this is all out of his control and that he is trying to resolve it. 
not very helpful. i just feel like a victim of serious neglect from my husband at this point.


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