# save my life



## lovemywife (Oct 10, 2007)

hello all , I'm new here ( duh ) and a little nervous about posting my problems on the net , not even sure how to get started ... 

well ... the wife and I just had a huge fight only hours ago , she has threatened to leave me if I don't change my habits , has put me down by telling me I'm just like her ex ( abusive , basically he's a waste of good skin , no job , etc etc etc ... ) 

I have NEVER hit her and never will , she was being the violent one , throwing things , trying to punch , kick , me , in my own defense I did hold her to the floor untill I could let her go without another attack .

she called her mother to take the kids ( we have 2 young daughters , one of em biologically mine ) she started telling her mother everything we were fighting about , so in anger , frustration , and really .. fear of losing her .. I ripped the phone out of the wall .. I know .. not a smart move but I was lost and very confused since I dont even know how it all started . 

during are fight she revealed to me that she is pushing me away sexually (while I'm trying to fix our sexual relastionship ) 

now here's the kicker ... I know what the problem is , I know what she wants and she deserves to have it , she's the perfect girl , a great mother , works hard as hell and is alway's on the go either cleaning , cooking , shopping .. etc .. she pretty much does everything without asking for help , and me , being male .. lets it happen , I sit here on this damn computer all day ( I work nights she works day's ) while she is working , I'm caring for the kids ( as much as I know how ) . with no , or very little complaint from the wife .. basically .. I'm lazy .. and I know I am .. 

her major complaint is sex and time spent together ..

I think I may be suffering from a sexual addiction , but how is one to know without paying hundreds to a counsellor ? , I want my wife everyday , every second .. all I really think about all day is having sex with her , but the sex is not FOR me .. I want to see her being pleasured from everything that I do to her , I want her to feel that I am the best she's ever had ( altho she already tells me this I still strive for .. excellence for lack of better word )

I don't see this as a problem .. am I wrong ? I mean . I would LOVE if she were that way with me .. that I would pay for .. 

now she say's she would be closer to me if we spend more time together without sex , before I get into that I'll explain a few things .. 
were broke , living paycheck to paycheck , but we don't let that stress into our life , the only time we can spend time toghter without kids is an hour before I go to work after she gets home .. and the odd day off she has during the week , we mostly have the kids with us because we cannot afford babysitters nevermind the cost of actually going somewhere .

that said .. when she does get a day off and the kids are in bed ... well what perfect time to share myself and give her pleasure ... right ? 
to me . thats time very well spent .. 

she is right though .. I know this , we/ she .. needs time spent without sex so she can feel loved ... I don't really understand this , I mean , I grew up without a father figure , and what I did see of him was violence , my parents seperated when I was 3 , he passed away when I hit 12 , therefore I had nobody to show me how to " be a man " a good loving husband , and father , I never , not once seen my father as loving .

my mother however was the best mother anyone could possibly ask for , we grew up poor but I'd never know it , we took trips , she got me everything I wanted etc.. and the one thing she taught me was to respect women , and I do to my knowledge. the biggest lesson I was taught .. sex is for people who love eachother .. 
so I was taught , if you love someone , you give them sex , so thats what I do , thats what I have done my entire life , I live by that rule religously ( spelling srry ) , nobody gets my sex unless I love them , being a teen I obvously broke that rule a few times , but now that I have grown it's a little different .

so , yes , every chance I get .. I try to 'get some ' as she puts it , because I want to show her I love her more then my life's worth , but she takes it as " just getting laid " and thats all I want .. I can totally see her point but .. how do I stop this behavour and give her what she wants before I lose her and my kids ? 

how do I be someone I have never been , never shown how to be ? 
before anything is said about trying to change a person is wrong .. this is not the case this time , I want to be a good father , I want her to look at me like I'm her soldier , her stabalizer , her support , like she can't possibly be without me .. but I'm lost ... I have no idea how to be that person , and in fear .. I push the problem aside and we live happily ( I see now that her happiness is fake ) .. so where is this guide on how to be a husband ? 

I can't lose my wife , my life means nothing without her and my kids , I try to show her that everyday by cuddling in bed when I finally go to bed at 7 am before she gets up .. or by hugging her in the kitchen , by telling her everyday that she looks amazing , by telling her everyday that I love her more then anything , by kissing her anytime of the day without having an excuse . 
I thought I was doing right .. but apparently I'm very very wrong and need to change my way of life , change my way of thinking . 
I just don't know how because I have never been shown anything differently 

we had some rocky times , I was unfathful ( kinda ) she found porn on the computer , I was talking with some girls online , like maybe one convo per girl , no nudity whatsoever , just stupid comments that I should not have made . I think I did this because at the same time , she was witholding sex , but that came out of nowhere .. one week we were like rabbits , the next week .. nothing , I was confused , and hurt by things she had done in her past ( and it still effects me deeply today ) , to make a long story short .. she was ( so I understand ) takin advantage of by her ex's brother and his girlfriend , there was alot of confustion in me about the whole situation ( she says she did not want to , but tells me she used to have fantacy's about it
that was seven years ago she told me that , since then we ourselves have disscused doing that same thing .. but that disscustion was kind of a test I was putting her through to see if the truth would come out at all , or any differences in her story ( wich reallly should not matter since this is before I came along , but still I'm extreamely bothered by any of her past , donno why but this is a huge problem in my head everyday ) but thats for another post ...

she herself made a comment about a certain music artist , I had found the post in her myspace .. this showed me a different part of her that I had never seen , she never tells me how good . or bad I am without me asking . so how can she say things like that to someone else ?? I thought she was the shy girl , no sex talk of any kind , no comments on my body or it's " parts " , nothing 

how do I get close to her if I feel she's not attracted to me in that way ?
don't get me wrong , we have sex almost everyday , but I know deepdown , that she doesn't want it , or she says " I would want it if you spent more time with me " .. well that artist never spend any time with her .. why does he get the comments ? 

I'm so lost and confused ... 

I need to end this before I write a novel here .. 
thx for letting me vent .. I somehow feel a little better
and sorry for the rambling


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Wow you have a hundred topics in one....First thing find a help group called violence no more. I suggest the both of you take a few classes. Your disagreements should be limited to controlled yelling at worst. By the By yes you do have a violence problem. Secondly tearing the phone out of the wall like you did is a criminal offense in most states. I will break each part down in pieces.

draconis


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## lovemywife (Oct 10, 2007)

I seem to have typed my explanation wrong , please note , that I am not at all a violent person , I don't fight with anyone and havent for many many years , I'm not pointing blame whatsoever , but she is the one that gets violent with every major fight , not often at all ( twice in 7 years ) , if holding her down to stop any attacks is violent then yes I'm guilty . 

I did not know the phone deal was a criminal offence .. jeez I could see it being one if I had smacked her with it , but that .. will NEVER happen ! . 
she was in a violent relastionship so this may explain her actions if she feels that she's going into a place she has been before ( fighting with her abusive ex ) 
however I myself am not violent , I get angry and and start the putdowns only after I have been put down , it's wrong but uncontrollable at that point in anger .. but never , never violent .. 

when your wife is tossing objects and coming at you with her fists ready .. yes .. I am gonna stop her , holding her down may be wrong , but hardly violent imo
yeah sorry about that confusing post , everything is just coming at me all at once


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

_Quote:has put me down by telling me I'm just like her ex abusive _

From a psychological stand point what you have said of her makes sense. 50% of people who endure pysical or mental abuse have some sort of trama, and around 25% act simular to those that abused them even if not to the same degree. Thus a father that beats his son the son will be more likely to beat his children. The explanation is simple they had lost control and use the cycle of abuse to feel like they have control by taking it away from someone else.

_Quote:she's the perfect girl , a great mother , works hard as hell and is alway's on the go either cleaning , cooking , shopping .. etc .. she pretty much does everything without asking for help , and me , being male .. lets it happen , I sit here on this damn computer all day ( I work nights she works day's ) while she is working , I'm caring for the kids ( as much as I know how ) . with no , or very little complaint from the wife .. basically .. I'm lazy .. and I know I am .. _

However, You point out she has many good merits. A hard worker, good mother does lots around the house. You admit to doing little around the house and being less then spectaculare of a father. Times have changed if she is working as much as you you should be doing half the house work. That is fair. At the very least you should shoot to become the best father in the world and settle for doing the best you can. What you don't know about parenting you ought to do everything in the world to learn. There is NOTHING more important then your kids.

draconis


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

lovemywife said:


> I seem to have typed my explanation wrong , please note , that I am not at all a violent person , I don't fight with anyone and havent for many many years , I'm not pointing blame whatsoever , but she is the one that gets violent with every major fight , not often at all ( twice in 7 years ) , if holding her down to stop any attacks is violent then yes I'm guilty .
> 
> I did not know the phone deal was a criminal offence .. jeez I could see it being one if I had smacked her with it , but that .. will NEVER happen ! .
> she was in a violent relastionship so this may explain her actions if she feels that she's going into a place she has been before ( fighting with her abusive ex )
> ...


RIpping a phone out of the wall is considered interferring with the ability to report a crime. BTW I had a friend arrested for it because she was explaining the argument to her mother her mother thought he might get violent and block any way for her to call for help. She even told the police all he did was break the phone. 

draconis


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## lovemywife (Oct 10, 2007)

draconis said:


> _
> However, You point out she has many good merits. A hard worker, good mother does lots around the house. You admit to doing little around the house and being less then spectaculare of a father. Times have changed if she is working as much as you you should be doing half the house work. That is fair. At the very least you should shoot to become the best father in the world and settle for doing the best you can. What you don't know about parenting you ought to do everything in the world to learn. There is NOTHING more important then your kids.
> 
> draconis_


_

I agree 110 % .. the problem is .. where do I learn these things ? 
should I serously be looking into therapy , altho we cannot afford one ? 
I just dont know where to turn , I have tried to change my way's to no avail , seems I just fall back into what I call normal life . 

I read in another post that you had posted about addiction to online gaming , and yeah I suffer from that aswell , I could play bf2 for hours without knowing how much time I had spent , I surf the web when not gaming out of boredom .. maybe my best best is to cut off the internet ._


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Think of sex as a cycle of love.

Love generates sex, which becomes intimacy, that turns into love.

Though Sex does not equal love per se. 

I am sure if she feels a lack of intimacy or a lack of sincerity then she will be less inclined to want to have sex with you. But you say you have it everyday with her? Sounds like you can not apperciate what you have. 

Also I think you really need to look at yourself. The statements you made are unbelievable. I am trying to figure out who you are trying to convince us the readers or yourself.

Don't get me wrong. I think it is great you came here. You are welcome to your opinion and all I can offer you is my point of view. Maybe it might help maybe not. But to go deeper into me helping you I'd have to go the tough love path and tell you as I see it and not as you want to hear it. I am sure in 24 hours plenty of other people will give some great advice from their perspective too. I hope you don't take anything I say as being mean or hurtful. I would much rather help you out then hurt you.

draconis


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Okay let's get the priority down.

Being the greatest dad.

First not having money should not be an issue. Kids want one thing more than any other to get praise. Have the girls help you clean the house whenever and where ever they can and shower them with praise for doing so. NEVER yell at them. Get down on the floor and play with them at least an hour every day. If you find it hard think of it as a sin tax something you HAVE to do before you can touch the computer. Take them for a walk, or to the park. Play barbie with your kids, comb their hair. Every minute you spend with them they will cherish.

By the by, women love a man that can truly be a good dad. You have been shown this. Your single mother you said was great. WHat made her great?

Start there and do it as often as you can.

draconis


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## lovemywife (Oct 10, 2007)

draconis said:


> Think of sex as a cycle of love.
> 
> Love generates sex, which becomes intimacy, that turns into love.
> 
> ...


no I'm not taking anything as mean or hurtful , I'm here for help , and to recieve help I need to admit to my own mistakes , and need to be shown , I guess , the truth and what it is I'm doing wrong since I havent had anyone to guide me into fatherhood / marrage . 

I'm not trying to " convince " anyone of anything , just putting it out there like it is , I'm not good with explaining myself very well so some things could be taken wrong I suppose . 

I do apperciate everything she does , and gives , but I dont want it to feel like she's doing it to only keep me happy .. I want to be the person she needs so that she will want me sexually , come to me sexually , I'm not putting any blame whatsoever on her for that , it's all me , I know that , I just dont know how to change that . 

I'm open to any advice , good or bad , at this point you could call me the lowest on the food chain and I'd except that aslong as it's for a helpfull purpose , and you seem profestional enough to know the difference between bashing and giving constructive critisism . 

to sum it all up .. I need help being a father figure and husband , because nobody has ever shown me that path , I donno maybe out of fear of the unknown I bury this problem and pretend it's gone .

I thank you for your comments and response


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Okay I already posted to get you started of the father hood path, let's work on husband -wife.

Okay alone time is needed. My wife and I have are time. My parents pick up the kids for a few hours so we have time together. We can cuddle, watch a movie, go out to eat or I can cook her something.

Now I have to say something here (physically I am disabled, so the following suggestions are more of a challenge for me and I do less often now then in the past.) Go for walks on the beach or any place that is slightly romantic. Go shopping with her, I still always do this with my wife when ever there is a chance. I can give you ways you can cook for her great meals that anyone can do. Hey if it takes one day a week off of her I am sure she'll like it.

Have you ever offered to give her a foot rub? Or a massage?

I am sure you can look up how to do them online.

Start a journal~ No kidding. If you have to write everything down everyday then you will better see what is lacking and maybe even the why it is. 

Next time the two of you are in a fight never raise your voice. People angery and yelling compete by yelling more and louder. There are two reactions to calm voices either calming yourself or storming away until you are calm. But you are not cycling the yelling. I will admit it is very hard to do and you have to train yourself because a loved one knows how to push your buttons, if you yell you lose.

Think through what you'd want to say to her. Talk evenly and tell her you want to change and you need too. I will tell you this, the last ditch I am changing even if you are before you talk to her, will talk atleast a week for her to understand. But know this everytime you say it and don't you lose more of her trust.

draconis


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## lovemywife (Oct 10, 2007)

I give her foot rubs ,and cuddle with a movie . but... I alway's expect sex , and if I dont get it , I'm hurt by it , I feel low , like I'm nothing to her , I can't explain why I feel this way , but it literary pisses me off if she doesn't give me sex .. and no it's not fair to her , just out of my control , and it's not even that I want sex per se , I just want to show her I love her , thats the only way I know how .
I don't start yelling or fighting , but I'll give the stupid silent treatment , because I feel hurt I feel the need to attack back for some reason ( not phsycally ) , or I'lll leave the place a mess in retaliation for making me feel " not wanted " something stupid like that 
it just makes me feel like I'm not up to her standards and she doesn't want sex because I dont turn her on ..
is this what is called sexual addiction ?
what I don't understand is the fact she used to .. masterbate .. alot , when I left for work she would go off on her own .. but yet cut me off that same day .
it's not like that anymore , that was when I started the whole internet affair .

I try to stay the calm one in our fights , but as you say once one starts yelling it's hard not to , I dont believe in going to bed angry , and I don't believe that fighting solves anything , just puts things out there more openly .. my goal for tomorrow is to sit with her calmly and talk this through , decide what were going to do , if we should seek therapy , or if I should do it alone , maybe have her write out things she wants to do together and try not to want sex in the end as hard as that will be .

you seem like a very good husband and have alot of insight into your own marrage , thats how I would like to be . 

I do the cooking now , she just started a new job and is away at the dinner hour 
I just find it very difficult to find the time to spend with her since I work nights she works day's it's very hard , but I will force myself to get off my ass and do something with her . 
we just see things very differently when it comes to sexual activity , I need it to be close to her , she doesn't , she needs time spent .. 

glad I came here to these forums , my eye's are starting to open a wee lil bit


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Sex doesn't equal love. At best it is a part of a whole. She is showing you love when she cuddles with you and you need to understand that every time you try to turn something into sex that you are feeding a problem.

I'll relate this to easier terms. Scoring/cutting it was popular when I was young and more mainstream now. the reason a person might cut themselves was because they would be hurting on the inside and not know how to handle it. They would create a physical problem to represent the mental one because they could then fix the physical problem.

You are doing the same type of thing. You have an emotional problem you can't or will not deal with. So you make it physical in nature so that you can deal with the issue. But you never can solve the real problem that way. Sex doesn't equal love and great sex doesn't mean I love you more. 

hope the best for you I will continue as much as I can.

draconis


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## lovemywife (Oct 10, 2007)

wow , you hit the nail dead on the head there bud 
I do have an underlying problem that I had no idea WAS an actual problem , I have severe social anxiety disorder , I've noticed this in the last few years , the thoughts of people looking at me like I'm different , or retarded because of the way I dress , or the way my headphones fit in my ears , I don't have any phsycal or mental dissability , so looking deeper to see if there is a root to this problem .. I beleive it is caused by the phsycal abuse I had witnessed as a young child . I have a fear of ppl in authority , I don't get along well with other males , where as women , I have no huge problem with , but still a fear .

internet is an escape , I can be myself and nobody can see me , so if they think I'm retarded who cares .. they donno who I am . 

the sex , I think most of it stems from this disorder in that I have never in my life been told I suck .. so I guess it's kind of a safety net , I know I'm good and it's the only thing in the world I do that anyone outside of my relationship cannot comment on . 

so there it is , and your absolutly right , I just never opened my eye's to it before last night . 
now to find the proper help for this thing I got ..


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

lovemywife ~ Well atleast we have a starting point. Remember no one can define who you are. You know what the problem is, you want to over come the problems. I think it is all savable.

While you are good or great at sex that alone is never a reason to hold a relation for. Now start to give your wife the other pieces. Make an effort. The priority here would be your kids. They are never going to judge you and are young enough that you are still godlike to them. Foster the love and affection they have to you. I would love to hear everyday how you spent a quality hour with them. I am sure the wife would too. She needs to know you are willing to be more then a lover. She needs to see you can be a great father and a good husband.

I am glad there was a break through last night. I hope things move even further forward. My have a son in the same boat as you. He has Asperger's disorder. It triggers social issues. I understand to a degree what you are going through because I deal with the issues of my son as I stumble alone and try to help him overcome his problems. I understand just how hard it is. It can be done. There is hope. 

draconis


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Diagnostic Criteria For 299.80 Asperger's Disorder
A. Qualitative impairment in social interaction, as manifested by at least two of the following: 
marked impairments in the use of multiple nonverbal behaviors such as eye-to-eye gaze, facial expression, body postures, and gestures to regulate social interaction 
failure to develop peer relationships appropriate to developmental level 
a lack of spontaneous seeking to share enjoyment, interests, or achievements with other people (e.g. by a lack of showing, bringing, or pointing out objects of interest to other people) 
lack of social or emotional reciprocity 
B. Restricted repetitive and stereotyped patterns of behavior, interests, and activities, as manifested by at least one of the following: 
encompassing preoccupation with one or more stereotyped and restricted patterns of interest that is abnormal either in intensity or focus 
apparently inflexible adherence to specific, nonfunctional routines or rituals 
stereotyped and repetitive motor mannerisms (e.g., hand or finger flapping or twisting, or complex whole-body movements) 
persistent preoccupation with parts of objects 
C. The disturbance causes clinically significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning 
D. There is no clinically significant general delay in language (e.g., single words used by age 2 years, communicative phrases used by age 3 years) 

E. There is no clinically significant delay in cognitive development or in the development of age-appropriate self-help skills, adaptive behavior (other than social interaction), and curiosity about the environment in childhood 

F. Criteria are not met for another specific Pervasive Developmental Disorder or Schizophrenia 

Asperger Syndrome: What Is It?

~~Submitted by draconis~~


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## lovemywife (Oct 10, 2007)

draconis said:


> Diagnostic Criteria For 299.80 Asperger's Disorder
> A. Qualitative impairment in social interaction, as manifested by at least two of the following:
> marked impairments in the use of multiple nonverbal behaviors such as eye-to-eye gaze, facial expression, body postures, and gestures to regulate social interaction
> failure to develop peer relationships appropriate to developmental level
> ...


that's what I do right there , effects everything I do , right down to job performance 



> apparently inflexible adherence to specific, nonfunctional routines or rituals
> stereotyped and repetitive motor mannerisms (e.g., hand or finger flapping or twisting, or complex whole-body movements)


I have a thing where I have to constantly kick my leg or rock my foot back and forth 
drives her crazy .. lol 



> C. The disturbance causes clinically significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning


job performance ? or fear of failing at a better job is a huge problem . 

I did fail to mention that she has a very simular disorder with socializing 
but somehow finds the power to fight it , 
time for work I must run .. thx for all your responses


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Wow a shot in the dark. I hope that this does help and now maybe I can also better understand you too.

draconis


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## lovemywife (Oct 10, 2007)

I took several " self help tests " this being one of them 
Social Anxiety Screening Quiz



> You answered 11 questions out of 14 Yes.
> 
> Your score is 79%. The symptoms you are having indicate a possibility of social anxiety disorder. Additionally, it sounds like your symptoms have interfered significantly in your life, whether it's at work or school, with your friends and family, or just in your normal routines. Please talk to your doctor or another healthcare provider. You may learn more about social anxiety disorder below.


usually score anywhere from 79% to 100% 

I've discused this with the wife this morning . I told her everything , all my fears , what it does to me inside my head , the fact that I'm slowly closing myself in and don't know how to fix it , she kind of understands due to her having the same issues , but , she is able to fight it .. what I would really like is her help ... she's going through the same thing , we should be here helping eachother , but how ? what kind of support can you give a person with this disorder ? but instead were pushing eachother away .. or I should say .. I am pushing her away .. 
also found out that my mother suffers the same thing .. you would have never known it , she's always social and seems comfortable at work , it's when she's at home , she will shut herself in her room with a few movies , and she was perfectly happy doing so , she allways seems happy , but she said it's getting worse , and I feel mine getting worse , could this be genetics maybe ? or is it caused by trauma ?

I need to fix this or she will leave , I have no doubts about that , I need to stop myself from falling back into the routine of what I thought was normal life , or I'm gona lose everything I have , and more .. 
so , as soon as I finally , ( after 9 years ) get my health card ( we need one for any medical attention ) I'll be speaking with a doctor , once I find one .


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

lovemywife ~ Very often there are free talk groups in all areas of the country. I'd search like heck in your area. You need to solve this issue or get it moving forward then start to tackle other issues. You'll be in a group of peers that have went through the same thing as you. Don't wait just because of insurance, get all the free help you can now. Find the places you need to go now. Don't put it off, because if you don't start to change your ways now then later might be something else coming up and the wife will only see you always saying you'll do it later when x happens. Do everything you can now. Let her see you are trying to fix things.

draconis


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## lovemywife (Oct 10, 2007)

agreed , it's a very easy rut to fall back into , hell I do it without even noticing . 
I have taking some steps to force myself to " be there " more 
uninstaled and deleted every game I have and started getting in the habit of cleaning at certain times of the day to keep myself from boredom while she works .

I just recieved 3 raises from my boss tonight .. yep .. 3  
so that should give me a bit of a boost for change aswell .

as for the group thing ( hee hee ) .. I live in a very small town in the country with no transportation , basicaly a tourist attraction , so group settings don't take place here unless a bunch of ******** ( no offence ) are throwing a party 
but I will be talking to a doctor for sure , just gotta wait awhile for my health card ( bout a week )


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

lovemywife ~ GReat to hear how things are going for you personally. How are they going on the home front or is that still a work in progress?

draconis


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## lovemywife (Oct 10, 2007)

getting along just fine , she's a complete sweetheart untill she gets pissed ..lol 
but that doesnt last very long , there's always that slow akward feeling of getting back to normal behavour where you don't know if she's ready for a kiss without chewin off your face first , but it don't last long


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Good, I am glad things are better in your love life, and progressing n your personal life.

draconis


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