# Have I become a doormat??



## Devin12 (Mar 14, 2011)

OK..I know this is long but please read to understand where I am coming from. I need some help.

I have now been married for 2 years. It has been a stressful emotional roller coaster. I thought it would be a majority of happiness...

Here's the problems:

Problem 1:
About 8 months into the marriage I found my husband Facebook messaging multiple random girls. The messages were long and dated throughout not only our marriage, but our dating period as well. It was mostly flirting and leading these girls on. Red flag number 1. I called him out on it and told him I felt disrespected and why did he feel the need to even bother messaging these girls. I asked him to log on so I could show him what I meant and he refused. Instead he deleted the whole account. We agreed to not have Facebook anymore. He was also text messaging one girl in particular which I felt was inappropriate for a married man especially since this girl wasn't a mutual friend or even really anyone I knew of. 

Problem 2:
He refuses to wear his wedding ring because he says he doesn't like to wear jewelry and says he isn't really proud of our marriage.

Problem 3:
We attended counseling after the Facebook and text messaging incident because after that point I had trust issues with him and I felt we needed some outside help. My doubts caused me to withdraw from him physically for a bit. I ended up leaving and moving back home to Texas (we were in Florida-he's miitary) and I decided to end the marriage. I had found too many emails and Facebook messages and pictures that made me doubt his fidelity an his respect for me and the marriage.

Problem 4:
We ended up getting back together because I didn't want to just bail at the first sign of trouble; although I felt like what e was doing was grounds for leaving a relationship. So we gave it another shot. So about 4 months after reconciling and vowing to try again (December), I found he had gotten another Facebook account. I thought Uh oH. Then I saw that he was messaging some old girlfriends and initiating contact with them. Again. Then one he gave his phone number to and said she could call or text him anytime. Never once did he mention this to me at all or mention that he was married. I again called him out and said we needed to discuss some things again to which he replied he was going to move out after Christmas break (I work for a school district). I was blindsided. Then I brought up the facebook message and he said 'he did it on purpose to mess with my head' and he also said the moving out thing to see how I would react. I was quite upset. Again, we "resolved" things, which really means I say a bunch of words and he asks if I'm finished talking then wants to have sex. I don't consider that a mature discussion or resolution. So life goes on again as if everythings fine.

Problem 5:
Another couple months goes by which brings me to the present. I am 27 and he is 26. He got out of the military back in October and as decided to go back to school which is great. Well he decided to join a fraternity. He came home one day and said 'guess what? it's official, I am a whatever whatever fraternity" He never mentioned he was even going to rush or meeetings or anything. Which is another problem. I told him I feel very left out of his life because he doesn't fill me in on things, he doesn't ever talk about anything emotional. Which is when he laid it out for me. He spoke for about an hour about EVERYTHING that's been bothering him etc which was great; I just listened. During the conversation he mentioned that before when I left, his only concern and fear was that he was going to lose his corvette. At that point I was very hurt. He said marriage to him is a business deal. We have very different ideas of marriage and now I don't know what to do. I don't know if it is even worth it to try and save the marriage. He still doesn't wear his ring, who knows if his 'frat brothers' even know he's married. I am not perfect. But I have been loyal and supportive of everything he's ever wanted to do. I feel like a doormat. He has a good heart maybe, I just think his idea of marriage and love is different from mine.

There is so much more but this is such a long post already. Please help with any advice, experiences, etc. I am at a point now where I don't even feel happy anymore. I am exhausted.


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

Sorry to be harsh but if you have no children, I would say get out now. Why put yourself through the heartache? It certainly sounds like he isn't invested in the marriage. Even in our roughest moments I would never call my marriage a "business proposal"...


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You said you attended counseling... What was the results of that? Why did you stop? It really seems you two still have many issues to deal with.

Personally, I think that yes, you have become a doormat. There's no reason for him to change his behaviour because he's getting away with it. Perhaps you do need to make a list of what a marriage is to you, and what you NEED to have in a marriage. Then sit down with him and ask him about it means to him, and whether he can provide you with what you need. 

You can also look at why you're willing to put up with this behaviour. From the way you post, he doesn't have a "good heart", it sounds like he's self-centered and doesn't give any consideration to how you feel. Marriage as a "business deal"? Facebook message to "see how you'd react"? It sounds like if he hasn't cheated on you already, it's only a matter of time. And you're only 2 years into your marriage, plus he was doing this before you got married.

C


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## Devin12 (Mar 14, 2011)

I appreciate the feedback. Don't worry about sounding harsh; your opinions are a consensus of what others have said.

As for counseling, we attended for several weeks and made lists of what a marriage is to both of us. We quit going because of financial concerns-we were getting free counseling through the military but now that he is out we no longer have that support.

I guess I put up with it because I feel like I CHOSE to be with him and I meant the vows I spoke to him; I guess I'm afraid of feeling as though I failed. We have compared notes on what a marriage is and that is when he said it was a business deal to him and that I was reading to deep into it. I said a marriage to me is emotional support, committing to share your life, ideas, values, family together and to grow together. I certainly don't think of marriage as a business deal. I just can't see a future when someone acts this way.

Every time I mention to him I am unhappy, he says, well I told you I was still in, so if you want to bail on us then that's up to you'. Which is where I start to feel guilty. I can't figure out if he just says that to make me feel guilty cuz he knows I won't leave and he'll get to continue his actions or if he actually cares. I never used to be this way; so wishy-washy and insecure. It scares me.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Devin, he says he's "still in", but his actions don't demonstrate that. Did you ask him how texting and sending messages to other women on FB demonstrate how he's committed to the marriage? How are those actions making the marriage better?

I would suspect that the behaviours you see are only the top portion of the iceberg. The ones you've caught. I also don't think there's much good that can come from a married guy being a frat member, but I was never involved with that scene in college.

What did he mean by saying the marriage is a business deal? That it costs less cause you can buy groceries in bulk? That he doesn't have to pay for a cook or maid? Seriously, I can't think of any way that can be interpreted in a good way. Combine that with the "not proud of your marriage" comment... 

How long did you leave for last time? I'm with frustr8dhubby... I'd get gone from the marriage. If he wants to pursue you after that and try to win you back, I guess that's his decision (and yours, if you'd take him back). It really sounds like he's more suited to a single man's life, though...

C


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Why is he not proud of the "marriage". 

As a guy - I can tell you straight - if he won't wear a wedding ring that is the clearest possible message that he has NO intention of being faithful. NONE. And he has repeatedly shown you that. 

I don't think you "failed" at the marriage. You failed to pick a decent person. Accept that - as one huge mistake - and start over. 

Frat parties are the BEST place to pick up young women. He is going to have a field day there. What a great deal for him - if he picks up a girl at a frat party he gets some variety. If he gets shot down, he can come home and sleep with you. Nice deal for him. 




Devin12 said:


> I appreciate the feedback. Don't worry about sounding harsh; your opinions are a consensus of what others have said.
> 
> As for counseling, we attended for several weeks and made lists of what a marriage is to both of us. We quit going because of financial concerns-we were getting free counseling through the military but now that he is out we no longer have that support.
> 
> ...


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

MEM, I would disagree on the wedding ring thing. I wore my wedding ring for the first couple years of my marriage, and always found it irritating (to my fingers). I don't wear any jewelry though, not even a watch. So I ditched it early in my marriage, and it had no bearing on my fidelity. However, in this case when his reasoning is that he wasn't proud of his marriage, I'd agree. 

C


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

Devin
You are beginning to be that doormat, don't lie there to long. I know you want to do everything possible to make it work, so if the marriage ends you know you did your best. You can walk out of it with no regrets, no asking could I, should I. No guilt or blame should be laid on you.

A business deal is 50/50 you clearly aren't getting your 50.


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## Devin12 (Mar 14, 2011)

MEM- He says he is not proud of the marriage because of the problems we have. I tell him my reason for disconnecting stems from his actions (mesaaging/not filling me in on things even when I ask/telling me the marriage is a business deal/ and syaing his greatest fear in divorce was losing his corvette). I can't emotionally connect to someone who behaves this way. 

I can understand not wearing jewelry at work because it's hazardous, but when I have made it a huge deal for 2 years AFTER his flirting nature, AND he tells me he isn't proud to wear it...that's where I have a problem. 

PBear-
We separated for about 2 months (June and July last summer). When he said 'business deal' he meant material things are gained and shared, like the vette. We bought it together but if I ever say OUR vette, he gets offended. I don't care about a car. I care about people, and relationships. When I asked him the first time we 'separated' why he even asked me to marry him, he said "Because it made sense at the time and I had the money to do it." I know he got a military bonus for being married as well. I guess that's why it's a business deal. he lives and acts as though he's single. I don't think he even needs me for anything other than physical needs. And I am NOT going to be used.


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## Devin12 (Mar 14, 2011)

Well-said 4Sure. I don't want any regret or doubt. I feel as though I've done what I can do. Divorce just terrifies me.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

Devin12 said:


> Well-said 4Sure. I don't want any regret or doubt. I feel as though I've done what I can do. Divorce just terrifies me.


I stay longer in a relationship than what I should. But when I've had enough that is it. Nothing will make me stay.

Divorce isn't pretty. What's terrifying is when child(ren) is involved.


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## Devin12 (Mar 14, 2011)

I think what terrifies me even more than divorce is a lifetime of unhappiness and dealing with this for the next however many years. We do not have any children thank goodness.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

No decent marriage can be primarily about money and it sounds like yours is (to him). The military does offer a financial incentive to marry and the unintended consequence is that some soldiers who don't need to be married get married. Marriage is the most important decision of one's life. A car is...well, just a car. Any decent relationship requires sacrifice, trust, and respect. I'm not hearing much of any of those from him.


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