# NEW WIFE DISLIKES PICS WITH KIDS AND EX-SPOUSE



## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

I got married about 2 years ago. I have 3 kids from a previous marriage. My ex-wife and I are civil but not BFFs. We all see each other at the kids' events, are cordial, say hi but that's about it.

My son had a "senior night" for football recently wherein his mom (my ex) and I walk him down the field and we take pics together. I don't see anything wrong with that and I don't care because it's normal to me but my wife has taken offense to it. She got upset and said that next time I need to request we take separate pictures because my ex and I shouldn't be taking pics together because we're divorced.

Fast forward to my son's "senior night" for soccer. To appease my wife, I had my son take a pic with his mom first then I took a pic with him. Well now my ex sent me a long message about ruining my son's last soccer pic that he could've taken with both his parents even though we're divorced. And that my wife's insecurities should not ruin my kids' events and that in the future my kids will start to resent her and they should come first no matter what.

So basically I'm screwed if I do and screwed if I don't. 

Let me re-state that I don't mind taking a picture with my kids and their mom if it's a special occasion. My wife is insecure and doesn't want me to. My ex says I'm letting my wife's insecurities ruin my kids' memories. Obviously I want to respect my wife's wishes but at the same time I don't want to cause problems with my ex because she will likely bring it to my wife's attention at some point and it will cause problems.

Can anyone give me some advice as to how to proceed with this damned if I do, damned if I don't situation?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Find some way to help your wife work on her insecurities, and then revisit the issue in the future. You and your ex were not there for each other...you were there for your son. However, it's not unheard of that your wife doesn't want you playing family with your ex. I'm not really faulting your wife, but you and she might want to get a little marriage counseling to make sure that you two are on the same page with some lingering issues.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

SF-FAN said:


> My ex says I'm letting my wife's insecurities ruin my kids' memories.


Your ex did that all by herself with what she did to you and the family (I remember your story).

I would keep your current wife happy.

Many divorced parents don't take photos together.

ETA: If your wife wanted to take pictures together with the kids, she shouldn't have cheated on you.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

Sfort said:


> Find some way to help your wife work on her insecurities, and then revisit the issue in the future. You and your ex were not there for each other...you were there for your son. However, it's not unheard of that your wife doesn't want you playing family with your ex. I'm not really faulting your wife, but you and she might want to get a little marriage counseling to make sure that you two are on the same page with some lingering issues.


That was almost her exact words. My wife doesn't want me playing family with my ex like we're still together. I've told her she has nothing to worry about and it really only is for the kids. My ex is also remarried and her and I will never see each other as significant others. Nevertheless my wife is a little old school in that she believes that when people break up, they break up and should have little to no interaction. We've discussed her insecurities and she won't budge.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

re16 said:


> Your ex did that all by herself with what she did to you and the family (I remember your story).
> 
> I would keep your current wife happy.
> 
> Many divorced parents don't take photos together.


I'm trying to keep my current wife happy but according to my ex, my kids will grow to resent her because she is the one keeping both their parents from being in the same picture.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

SF-FAN said:


> That was almost her exact words. My wife doesn't want me playing family with my ex like we're still together. I've told her she has nothing to worry about and it really only is for the kids. My ex is also remarried and her and I will never see each other as significant others. Nevertheless my wife is a little old school in that she believes that when people break up, they break up and should have little to no interaction. We've discussed her insecurities and she won't budge.


So now you have a tension between your kids and your wife. That's a real problem. However, you can get individual counseling and maybe make some progress. You're marginally lucky in one respect in that the problem is clearly defined. You're unlucky in that your kids and your wife have valid considerations.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

I wouldn't take photos with my XH and son - that does actually sound weird to me. We're civil but come on. I would definitely offer to take photos of him and my son, and ask him to take photos of me and my son. But both at once is a bit much. 

I see why your wife is upset. It doesn't sound like insecurity - it sounds like healthy boundaries. You and your current wife probably need to have a conversation. If you love your wife, DO NOT tell your XW anything like "my current wife is insecure" because that is a s*^%storm waiting to happen. Discuss and agree on boundaries with your current wife. Discussions about your kids with your XW should be confined to co-parenting. Good luck.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

Sfort said:


> So now you have a tension between your kids and your wife. That's a real problem. However, you can get individual counseling and maybe make some progress. You're marginally lucky in one respect in that the problem is clearly defined. You're unlucky in that your kids and your wife have valid considerations.


There's no tension between my kids and my wife yet but my ex says there will be if they see that her insecurities are what's causing us to not take pics together. But yes there are valid considerations on both sides and I don't know where the common ground is.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

SF-FAN said:


> I'm trying to keep my current wife happy but according to my ex, my kids will grow to resent her because she is the one keeping both their parents from being in the same picture.


Your ex wife is trying to drive a wedge between you and your wife. Who cares what your ex thinks.....


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

joannacroc said:


> I wouldn't take photos with my XH and son - that does actually sound weird to me. We're civil but come on. I would definitely offer to take photos of him and my son, and ask him to take photos of me and my son. But both at once is a bit much.
> 
> I see why your wife is upset. It doesn't sound like insecurity - it sounds like healthy boundaries. You and your current wife probably need to have a conversation. If you love your wife, DO NOT tell your XW anything like "my current wife is insecure" because that is a s*^%storm waiting to happen. Discuss and agree on boundaries with your current wife. Discussions about your kids with your XW should be confined to co-parenting. Good luck.


My ex already assumes it's because her insecurities. She said so in her long message to me. I don't have an issue with making my current wife happy and letting my ex wife feel whatever way she wants to but my ex is not the type to let things be. She's the type that will call my new wife out about it and then the real s**tstorm will happen. That's what I don't want. BTW my ex thinks that taking pics together with our kids is good co-parenting because that shows we can be civil and together (for them) even though we're divorced.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

If it's age appropriate, perhaps talk to your children, and ask them what their preferences are? A high school senior should be able to say who he wants in his photos.

To me, it should be about them.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

re16 said:


> Your ex wife is trying to drive a wedge between you and your wife. Who cares what your ex thinks.....


HAHA that's funny. My ex said my current wife is trying to drive a wedge between my kids and I. See my message above. I don't care what my ex thinks except...(read above)


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

You should invite your new wife to take the pictures with your kids.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

minimalME said:


> If it's age appropriate, perhaps talk to your children, and ask them what their preferences are? A high schooll senior should be able to say who he wants in his photos.
> 
> To me, it should be about them.


And that's a good idea. How do I go about asking though because to them it's kind of always just happened organically with me and their mom being in the pic.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Giants are looking good this year BTW...


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

re16 said:


> You should invite your new wife to take the pictures with your kids.


She does but in that particular moment, only 2 parents can be with the athlete.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

SF-FAN said:


> And that's a good idea. How do I go about asking though because to them it's kind of always just happened organically with


Just do it, make it happen.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

re16 said:


> Giants are looking good this year BTW...


Better than previous years, that's for sure.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

SF-FAN said:


> And that's a good idea. How do I go about asking though because to them it's kind of always just happened organically with me and their mom being in the pic.


Perhaps take them out to dinner - or do an activity that you enjoy with _just them_. And _not_ have either wife around.

Depending on their ages, I would just be honest and explain the situation to them and ask for their input. Anyone in high school (or older) should be fine with this type of conversation. 🙂


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

SF-FAN said:


> There's no tension between my kids and my wife yet but my ex says there will be if they see that her insecurities are what's causing us to not take pics together. But yes there are valid considerations on both sides and I don't know where the common ground is.


Here's a question.
What does your kid want?
Did he want a picture with you and the ex?
If not, then she can pound sand and your wife is correct.

If the kids would like a picture to remind them of what was, then it's something you need to talk with your wife. The kids may not want the two of you to get back together, but sometimes, they may want a reminder of what was once a happy relationship. This also has nothing to do with your wife. The kids may want some small moment of time captured in a picture when their mom didn't do something awful to break up the family.

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

But talk with your kids and find out what they want for their pictures and then you can determine how to proceed next.

For the record, I am in your wife's camp about taking pictures with the ex.
I would do it if I had an ex and if the kids asked.
But otherwise, that would be a hard NO.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

minimalME said:


> Perhaps take them out to dinner - or do an activity that you enjoy with _just them_. And _not_ have either wife around.
> 
> Depending on their ages, I would just be honest and explain the situation to them and ask for their input. Anyone in high school (or older) should be fine with this type of conversation. 🙂


I have a feeling they'll stick with the status quo so they don't upset their mom. I don't get how a damn picture could cause such an issue and it's not frequent. You're talking about 1 or 2 per year if that for a special occasion.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

snerg said:


> Here's a question.
> What does your kid want?
> Did he want a picture with you and the ex?
> If not, then she can pound sand and your wife is correct.
> ...


And I think this way of thinking is correct. But most teenagers - (boy) teenagers - don't care which puts the ball back in my court. And I have a feeling that if my ex got wind that I asked my kids what they wanted she'd be pissed because I'm making them choose instead of being an adult and doing the "right thing" in her mind. 

It's a lose lose situation to be honest and it sucks because now I don't look forward to my kids' special occasions and they should be cause for celebration.

My son graduates in 2 weeks and he only gets like 5 tickets I think. I have a feeling my current wife will not be on the list and that will be a whole new issue right there.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

First off, don’t talk to your ex wife about your current wife’s problems. 

Yes your wife is insecure, I totally understand. All you can do is sit your wife down and talk to her about it, not before any even but right now. Don’t cause a fight about it but just have an adult conversation about what’s best for everyone. Don’t dictate to her. 

And then when an event does come up, calmly talk to her about it the day before so the event doesn’t get ruined.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

SF-FAN said:


> She does but in that particular moment, only 2 parents can be with the athlete.


Are you sure? I've seen divorced parents, one with a current spouse take a photo with a kid all together. Do you KNOW only 2 parents or are you assuming that because it is what you see other parents do?

If it's only 2, maybe take 2 - one with you and one with their mom and them.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

SF-FAN said:


> And I think this way of thinking is correct. But most teenagers - (boy) teenagers - don't care which puts the ball back in my court. And I have a feeling that if my ex got wind that I asked my kids what they wanted she'd be pissed because I'm making them choose instead of being an adult and doing the "right thing" in her mind.
> 
> It's a lose lose situation to be honest and it sucks because now I don't look forward to my kids' special occasions and they should be cause for celebration.
> 
> *My son graduates in 2 weeks and he only gets like 5 tickets I think. I have a feeling my current wife will not be on the list and that will be a whole new issue right there.*


Would make it clear that she is coming. 

Learn not to give a f*(^ what your ex think. It's freeing. Really. I mean, co-parent civilly and all that. But your concern should be your current wife. To me, the major issue here for your wife is loyalty. It would throw up a major red flag for me that you didn't stand your ground and either take separate photos with you and your wife and son together, then your son and his mom separately, and also the fact that you paraphrased it when describing the situation to us, as your wife is insecure. The big issue is that YOU still see it that way. You don't see that it's a major issue for her and respect that. You are making it into an issue. Be firm but respectful with your XW and just tell her it's a boundary you have. When you pushed responsibility onto your current wife for your decision to take a joint photo, you created the issue. This is not on your wife.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, the only reason you think this is a problem for your children is because your ex-wife said so. She said it because she can. It's entirely possible that your kids haven't and wouldn't give it a thought, unless or until she tells them they should.

Apparently, your ex-wife still feels entitled to manage your relationship with your children. I guess you also sort of think it's her right to do that, too, because you're giving her a lot of headspace over this. But managing how you interact with the kids is _not_ her job. Because you and she are divorced. Your relationship with your children is, therefore, _yours_ to manage. As long as the kids aren't endangered, what your ex-wife thinks about your relationships with them, and how you manage those relationships, is irrelevant.

So, next time your ex-wife wants to tell you how to parent your children, politely point out to her that your relationship with the kids is none of her business. Oh, and have a chat with your kids about taking pictures separately. Tell them that it just feels a bit artificial to take photos with them and their mom - as if you're all still a single family unit - especially now that they have bonus parents who also love them and are part of their families.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

joannacroc said:


> *Would make it clear that she is coming.*
> 
> Learn not to give a f*(^ what your ex think. It's freeing. Really. I mean, co-parent civilly and all that. But your concern should be your current wife. To me, the major issue here for your wife is loyalty. It would throw up a major red flag for me that you didn't stand your ground and either take separate photos with you and your wife and son together, then your son and his mom separately, and also the fact that you paraphrased it when describing the situation to us, as your wife is insecure. The big issue is that YOU still see it that way. You don't see that it's a major issue for her and respect that. You are making it into an issue. Be firm but respectful with your XW and just tell her it's a boundary you have. When you pushed responsibility onto your current wife for your decision to take a joint photo, you created the issue. This is not on your wife.


It really doesn't work that way. The student gets the tickets and he gives them to who he wants. My son has his mom, grandmother and his 2 siblings that want to go. How do I tell him to not give a ticket to one of them? They've all made the claim that they should get tickets by default. I don't want to put him in that situation and make him choose between his grandmother, siblings and step-mom.

Plus his mom would throw a fit and make the graduation ceremony very uncomfortable, I'm sure.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

This seems like the biggest no brainer in history to me. Current wife = good, last wife = not as good.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

SF-FAN said:


> I got married about 2 years ago. I have 3 kids from a previous marriage. My ex-wife and I are civil but not BFFs. We all see each other at the kids' events, are cordial, say hi but that's about it.
> 
> My son had a "senior night" for football recently wherein his mom (my ex) and I walk him down the field and we take pics together. I don't see anything wrong with that and I don't care because it's normal to me but my wife has taken offense to it. She got upset and said that next time I need to request we take separate pictures because my ex and I shouldn't be taking pics together because we're divorced.
> 
> ...


If I were in that situation, I would probably ask my kid if he/she would prefer separate pics with each of their bio parents, or a together pic. I'm not big on putting kids in the middle, nor should they be dragged through adult issues. BUT, this is your kid's memory more than anyone, and if that were my child, I would just simply ask them what they would prefer. Get your answer, and go from there.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your ex will rule your life if you let her. She’ll never stop so you do what you want to do and let it go. If you keep considering what she wants then you’ll still be dealing with that when the grandchildren come along. As to graduation, yes, five tickets is normal for this time. My guess is the grandmother is her mom so she’s not giving up her ticket. Your wife is out of luck on this one, I’m afraid.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

First: the fact that you give one flying **** what your ex thinks ex problematic, so quit giving any thought to what she says. I can see from your posts that your ex is a troublemaker.

As far as your wife, I wouldn't take any pictures with your ex if it bothers her. I suspect she senses that you're still a little too invested in what your ex thinks and doesn't like the boundaries. You are no longer a family unit and your ex isn't queen bee...and that is what's going on. Us women have all seen this **** before.

Your kids can speak for themselves. Even if they bring it up you can explain to them that being divorced means certain boundaries. It's not like you're skipping events because their mother is there.

Take some pictures with your kids and wife so she feels welcome. They can get their own pics with their mother.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Tell your present wife that your children's need come 1st & if they want a picture with mom & dad you will gladly pose for it. Out of courtesy to her, only display the photo without your EX in your home & on your social media.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

When you marry someone with children you have to accept that these things happen. I mean what is she going to say when they get married and there are photos with the couple and their parents? Will she complain about that as well? 
I honestly don't see it a big deal and clearly your ex wife's husband is fine about it.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

If your ex did in fact cheat on you (which blew up your family and why you divorced her) why do you give a [email protected]?n what she thinks or says?

If your ex is so concerned about your kids and their memories maybe she should have thought about that before she cheated on their father.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Black and white, my way or the high way, ultimatum like, doomsday thinking, or is there a simpler answer?

Sure I don't like the image of long separated partners standing smiling in a picture with their child as if all of the history (affair, cheating, court battle, divorce) between them never happened. It's an image your ex wife desires to have and it's an image your wife abhors the thought of. I just think it's an obvious lie. I don't know what Junior thinks. Hopefully Junior thinks that his biological parents love and support him. But what is driving EX Wife to want to portray this dishonest image?

Here is my off the wall theory. Your Ex is living the modern Barbie dream house. She has achieved the dream status in relationships. And she knows it is about to come crashing down. She has the "Provider man" And she has the "romantic boyfriend". You are an important part of that picture. So no matter how little she want's you she still needs to own you. But Child support drops off in the next decade. As soon as the third crosses that line there is no more provider man, no more monthly payment, no more graduation, or sports to manipulate, just three weddings you hope you get invited to. 

My suggestion is that you stop participation in the portrayal of the lie. Kids don't care who is in the picture, or who sits through graduation, as Teens they can sort real support from pretend.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

As far as my ex cheating and blowing up the family, she did and though it was a horrible time, it led to bigger better things for me and the kids. For me to move on and feel liberated I had to forgive my ex and I did and I don't hold a grudge but I'm also not her husband to be doing what she wants me to. Like I said in my first post, we are civil though not BFFs so I'm not going to be petty and bring up her cheating as reason for us not to take pics. 

If I don't take a pic with her and my kids it is out of respect for my current wife and that's basically it. For me it doesn't matter either way so I guess I just have to see how my kids feel about it. If they truly care and want me in the pic with their mom I'll be in and if they don't care I won't be and she'll have to deal with it and stew all she wants. 

Luckily I only have one more son, after this one, that is still in school to deal with this BS and we're 3 years out until he's a senior.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

How old is the oldest?


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Nobody says you have to remind her that she cheated, or be petty, or not be civil to her. Like I said who gives a [email protected]*m what she says or thinks. She's not your wife anymore and she knows why!!

If your kids want a pic with the two of you in it than do it. It's about the kids NOT your ex. If your kids don't really care than do what your current wife wants and that's not to have your ex in the pic (just a photo of you and your kid).


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@SF-FAN ,

If you, as you say, your kids are old enough to be graduating, then they are old enough to tell you what THEY want (not what their mom wants) and they are old enough to understand that you and their mom are no longer together. 

This is really quite simple: your exW is trying to exercise some control over you, and you are letting her. Don't say "It's only a picture" or "It's only for the kids"... No, man. She is exerting power over you and you are letting her do it to appease her and avoid her anger--and at the same time, you are letting her disrespect your current wife. If I were your current wife, I'd be upset about being treated like this too, so in my opinion she is not out of line one bit! 

If I were in your shoes, I would talk to the kids who are having these sport banquets and end-of-school-year events and say, "Your mom and I are divorced now. I have a new wife and she has a new husband. We both love you and want the best for you, but she and I are no longer together. From this point forward the two of us have separate households and lives, and honestly the pictures need to reflect that. So I'm going to ask the photographer if we can do two separate photos, one each. Maybe it will be just you and I. If you want we can ask (new wife's name) to join us in this new tradition. Likewise the picture with your mom could be just you and her or whatever you two decide together. But your mom and I are NOT together, and it is best if the photos begin to reflect that new reality."

See your relationship now is WITH YOUR KIDS. It is not with your exW. She can pound sand. If she has a fit, she has a fit--not your circus, not your monkeys. You talk straight to your kids and work out with them what works for you and the kid. Make sense?


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

Mr. Nail said:


> How old is the oldest?


Oldest us 20, youngest (with exW) is 15.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Dude, the one I see coming as insecure is YOU. Both women are secure on their stand, you...no so much. i personally wouldn't care one bit what the Ex thinks, or demand. On the other hand you need to take a stand with your wife, and make it clear that you would abide by your kid's wishes. She cannot demand from you not to take a picture with your kid and the Ex if that's what the kid wants. 

If your wife is this much insecure, my friend you have bigger problems coming ahead. Take a damned stand, and let your wife know that if she doesn't trust you, then what is she doing marry to you. She knew damned well that you were previously married and that you have kids, and with those kids come certain obligations to fulfill. It shouldn't be about her nor the Ex but about what your obligations are toward your kid. Everything else is a jousting match between the two women. Pay no heed to either, like I said if your wife is this insecure you my friend have more problems than you think. could it be that you're not coming across as a strong man who makes his own decisions to women?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

SF-FAN said:


> I got married about 2 years ago. I have 3 kids from a previous marriage. My ex-wife and I are civil but not BFFs. We all see each other at the kids' events, are cordial, say hi but that's about it.
> 
> My son had a "senior night" for football recently wherein his mom (my ex) and I walk him down the field and we take pics together. I don't see anything wrong with that and I don't care because it's normal to me but my wife has taken offense to it. She got upset and said that next time I need to request we take separate pictures because my ex and I shouldn't be taking pics together because we're divorced.
> 
> ...


You know, the fact that your ex got offended and is fighting for the right to have photos taken from you says it all. She is who wants it to look to others that you are still something of a couple. So I think your wife is right to have her antennae up. No one wants their husband having photos with his ex floating around!! People do get the wrong idea and wonder if your wife is the interloper here, and that's not fair. There is NO reason you need to have photos together with your ex and WITHOUT your wife at your side there also. So your wife should have been in the photo at your side too OR you should do separate photos if she doesn't attend. So tell your wife next event, she goes and is by your side in any photos that include your ex. She's not insecure. She's right. You can tell your son, if necessary, that it just isn't appropriate.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

Affaircare said:


> @SF-FAN ,
> 
> If you, as you say, your kids are old enough to be graduating, then they are old enough to tell you what THEY want (not what their mom wants) and they are old enough to understand that you and their mom are no longer together.
> 
> ...


I agree with you 100% and I intend to talk to my kids but when you say "not your circus, not your monkeys" you can bet it will become my circus and monkeys. She's not one to go quietly and respect my decision. She will cause problems as much as she can, even if they are subtle, to the point my new wife may want out altogether. So that's why I don't mind a picture once every so often to keep the peace. After my son's graduation I will have a 3 year break of not having to worry about it, I am so ready.

However, I don't want her to exert control over me because her and I are not together anymore. I think she's just used to the fact that as co-parents we've gotten along fairly well agree with each other on most topics so she thinks this is an extension of that.

My kids butt heads with their mom often, but she is a huge influence on them. If she finds out I talked to them about it she will immediately tell them it's my wife's fault we can't take pictures with mom/dad/kid anymore. She'll likely try to sour them on my wife. That's another tactic I'm sure she'll use.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

Rob_1 said:


> Dude, the one I see coming as insecure is YOU. Both women are secure on their stand, you...no so much. i personally wouldn't care one bit what the Ex thinks, or demand. On the other hand you need to take a stand with your wife, and make it clear that you would abide by your kid's wishes. She cannot demand from you not to take a picture with your kid and the Ex if that's what the kid wants.
> 
> If your wife is this much insecure, my friend you have bigger problems coming ahead. Take a damned stand, and let your wife know that if she doesn't trust you, then what is she doing marry to you. She knew damned well that you were previously married and that you have kids, and with those kids come certain obligations to fulfill. It shouldn't be about her nor the Ex but about what your obligations are toward your kid. Everything else is a jousting match between the two women. Pay no heed to either, like I said if your wife is this insecure you my friend have more problems than you think. could it be that you're not coming across as a strong man who makes his own decisions to women?


The consensus is that it's my kids' decisions and I think that's what it's going to be whether the exW and or wife like it or not.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

SF-FAN said:


> It really doesn't work that way. The student gets the tickets and he gives them to who he wants. My son has his mom, grandmother and his 2 siblings that want to go. How do I tell him to not give a ticket to one of them? They've all made the claim that they should get tickets by default. I don't want to put him in that situation and make him choose between his grandmother, siblings and step-mom.
> 
> Plus his mom would throw a fit and make the graduation ceremony very uncomfortable, I'm sure.


Then I guess that makes sense because he can't exclude grandma or siblings or mom.
Maybe you can do something nice for your current wife like have some photos taken unrelated to an even of all of you together. Something she and your kids can cherish and look at as photos together?


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

Not that this matters or means anything but my current wife gets obsessive about my exW. What I mean by that is that she always tells me about social media posts my exW comments on or will make comments under her breath at the kids' events about my exW. She'll also bring her up randomly in every day conversations and it'll be a negative comment about my exW. Now I don't care, it doesn't bug me in the least but what does bug me is my wife bringing her up so much. I honestly don't care what what my exW is doing, wearing, commenting, etc. I've told her, can you please not bring up my ex so much, can we just enjoy our time? And she gets mad and claims I'm defending her.

There's issues on both sides of the fence so I'm in stressville right now.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

re16 said:


> Your ex did that all by herself with what she did to you and the family (I remember your story).
> 
> I would keep your current wife happy.
> 
> ...



Yeah if she cheated then screw what she thinks. SHE is the one who ruined things.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

Al_Bundy said:


> Yeah if she cheated then screw what she thinks. SHE is the one who ruined things.


Yes to a certain extent. I have to co-parent with the woman so I don't want every exchange to be an argument. I hate drama and that's exactly what this is.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Are you the poster who wanted to call off the wedding because your fiancée had issues with your relationship with your kids/ex?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

SF-FAN said:


> Not that this matters or means anything but my current wife gets obsessive about my exW. What I mean by that is that she always tells me about social media posts my exW comments on or will make comments under her breath at the kids' events about my exW. She'll also bring her up randomly in every day conversations and it'll be a negative comment about my exW. Now I don't care, it doesn't bug me in the least but what does bug me is my wife bringing her up so much. I honestly don't care what what my exW is doing, wearing, commenting, etc. I've told her, can you please not bring up my ex so much, can we just enjoy our time? And she gets mad and claims I'm defending her.
> 
> There's issues on both sides of the fence so I'm in stressville right now.


Sounds like your current wife has some issues of her own she needs to sort out.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

Openminded said:


> Are you the poster who wanted to call off the wedding because your fiancée had issues with your relationship with your kids/ex?


Possibly. She wasn't as insecure then (or if she was she didn't show it as much).


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> Sounds like your current wife has some issues of her own she needs to sort out.


Yes she does so they both do. I am in a crap sandwich (at times) like this issue about the picture.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

SF-FAN said:


> Possibly. She wasn't as insecure then (or if she was she didn't show it as much).


IIRC, everyone posting on your threads said things would be even worse if you married her because she wouldn’t have to pretend then. Sorry to hear it apparently has played out that way.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

The word insecure keeps floating around but women have a good sensor for other women who are a problem. And I do see a problem with your ex. 

A long message? Imagine how much thought went into that long message. She’s taken a lot of time to come to you with her issues and quickly pointed out what your wife is, how your wife is, and predicted a future. A veiled threat in a way - ‘if you do this your new wife and the kids will be like this in the future’. Why is your ex so heavily invested in how things should be in the future and why is she calling all the shots? 

Yes your new wife is calling the shots too. Ok so she’s got some boundaries, no problem unless there are a different set of rules for you. (How does your new wife respond when you have boundaries? If not an issue, then I would respect your new wife’s request). 

It sounds like you have a strong-willed ex and a strong-willed new wife. Be alert for other instances in your new marriage where your wife may be trying to isolate you from other friends family etc. if this isn’t an issue, no problems, otherwise you may be being manipulated and controlled and it may eventually extend to you having to cut everyone off to please her.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Ok I’ve just read some backstory; it does appear she had issues with you having hobbies, kids sport etc and wanted to call the wedding off over it. 

It seems like lots of restrictions for you that keep coming up. Doesn’t like you doing this, doesn’t like you doing that. 

Does she have friends and family and outside interests? Is she living a life independently of you too? It seems like it extends beyond just the ex?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

No one wants an X the midst. That’s why you establish and maintain no contact except for kids only. Email or text. She is not part of your family. Period. It is you your kids and wife.

Maybe it’s time you set the kids down and explain why. Your xwife is an adulterer. Destroyed your marriage and their family unit. Everything is now separate.

A lot will tell you you must bend over backwards for your kids including kissing your x cheating wife’s butt. ********. You your kids and your current wife count. The x doesn’t.

It sounds to me like you need to get your priorities straight,


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

Luckylucky said:


> The word insecure keeps floating around but women have a good sensor for other women who are a problem. And I do see a problem with your ex.
> 
> A long message? Imagine how much thought went into that long message. She’s taken a lot of time to come to you with her issues and quickly pointed out what your wife is, how your wife is, and predicted a future. A veiled threat in a way - ‘if you do this your new wife and the kids will be like this in the future’. Why is your ex so heavily invested in how things should be in the future and why is she calling all the shots?
> 
> ...





Luckylucky said:


> Ok I’ve just read some backstory; it does appear she had issues with you having hobbies, kids sport etc and wanted to call the wedding off over it.
> 
> It seems like lots of restrictions for you that keep coming up. Doesn’t like you doing this, doesn’t like you doing that.
> 
> Does she have friends and family and outside interests? Is she living a life independently of you too? It seems like it extends beyond just the ex?


The hobbies and friends issue hasn't came up really. We have different interests but some we do together some we don't and that's never really caused any problems so that's not big deal.

My ex wife has stopped calling for everything now so that's kind of died down as well. Now the only hot topic seems to be taking pics with the kid and ex. Otherwise she is and has been a wonderful wife. Very old fashioned and I'm actually not used to that. I like for the household duties to be 50/50 and she always goes above and beyond and is always very thoughtful with even minor things. 

Her only problem seems to be with the ex even if the ex is keeping her distance.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

SF-FAN said:


> I got married about 2 years ago. I have 3 kids from a previous marriage. My ex-wife and I are civil but not BFFs. We all see each other at the kids' events, are cordial, say hi but that's about it.
> 
> My son had a "senior night" for football recently wherein his mom (my ex) and I walk him down the field and we take pics together. I don't see anything wrong with that and I don't care because it's normal to me but my wife has taken offense to it. She got upset and said that next time I need to request we take separate pictures because my ex and I shouldn't be taking pics together because we're divorced.
> 
> ...


Your x is no longer a part of your family. She doesn’t count anymore.
Go ahead and let your prior cheating x wife dictate your life and you’ll have another x wife.

Your x wife’s cheating ruined your kids memories. There are consequences to being a low life lying cheater.
Why are you having a problem understanding that?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She’s likely still jealous of your ex and that’s unlikely to go away (thanks to those insecurities she has).


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

SF-FAN said:


> I'm trying to keep my current wife happy but according to my ex, my kids will grow to resent her because she is the one keeping both their parents from being in the same picture.


Sounds like your x wife is in your ear a lot. Your kids if they were told the truth should resent their mother from destroying your marriage and their family because she couldn’t stop spreading her legs for her new boyfriend while marred to you.

Did you tell the kids the truth about the divorce?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

From reading your thread it’s all about what the *xwife* wants. I’d bet your kids could care less.

Part of the cheater code is you must do what I want. Do it for the children!!!! The children, OMG the poor children. Your x didn’t give a damn about the children. She was to busy banging her new shiny boyfriend.

Now she’s got the opportunity to stick her nose into your family, marriage and apparently you aren’t standing up for anything.

You just don’t want to make your x mad so you’re current wife is insecure? Its all her fault now because your x wife says so?

Sounds like your current wife has the common sense to know an x has no business in your married. Especially a cheating x.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You know, the fact that your ex got offended and is fighting for the right to have photos taken from you says it all. She is who wants it to look to others that you are still something of a couple. So I think your wife is right to have her antennae up. No one wants their husband having photos with his ex floating around!! People do get the wrong idea and wonder if your wife is the interloper here, and that's not fair. There is NO reason you need to have photos together with your ex and WITHOUT your wife at your side there also. So your wife should have been in the photo at your side too OR you should do separate photos if she doesn't attend. So tell your wife next event, she goes and is by your side in any photos that include your ex. She's not insecure. She's right. You can tell your son, if necessary, that it just isn't appropriate.


Bwahahahaha!!! Cheaters always want to look like super moms after they destroy the marriage and family from being out banging their boyfriends behind your back.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Affaircare said:


> @SF-FAN ,
> 
> If you, as you say, your kids are old enough to be graduating, then they are old enough to tell you what THEY want (not what their mom wants) and they are old enough to understand that you and their mom are no longer together.
> 
> ...


I couldn’t like this enough so I reposted it.


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## Yoni (Feb 7, 2021)

No one understand the situation until you actually in that position. I feel for ur new wife. Because I actually married a guy who has children and he were married in the past. Naturally the second wife has so many emotions going on probably she is jealous and hurting. I definitely understand her side.
And also it's not easy for her. You need to understand more then anybody else. Even she know after all know ur back history. She married you. Emotionally support her when she feel that way.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I read your thread from pre marriage and the problems she was giving you regarding your ex. She even thought your ex should not be able to go to her own child's sports. One poster commented it seemed like your (now) wife was trying to erase your ex or cut her out like a cancer.

Fact of the matter is, your kids have a mother and they have a father and nothing will change that.

I expect my child at graduation will want a picture of himself with his mom and dad. We are HIS two parents. If my ex's new wife has a problem with that everyone would think she was a total *****.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Take the pictures as intended. There is nothing wrong with it for your son’s special event. This is for your son. Your wife is wrong. Tell your son deserves to have a picture with his parents at this event and he will. If she doesn’t like it, that’s her problem to deal with.

That being said, I understand if your wife doesn’t want the picture displayed in your family room, it’s perfectly reasonable to not want pics of ex-wife displayed.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

SF-FAN said:


> Not that this matters or means anything but my current wife gets obsessive about my exW. What I mean by that is that she always tells me about social media posts my exW comments on or will make comments under her breath at the kids' events about my exW.


Yes, it does matter. Like I asked before are you weak with women? How do you come across as far as character? Does you wife or Ex for that matter see you as a strong male, a man to follow, to rely on? Or just to rely on? 

When I said in my previous post that you have your obligation with your children, I didn't mean it as a "carte blanche" for you to be at the whims of your children. Everything has a place when and if it merits it. 

In reality, almost most women in this world don't want to see their man next to the Ex, but when the need arises you got to be very clear that if you decide that it needs to be done that your mate understand that it needs to be done. No buts about it. It has nothing to do with the Ex. 
On the other hand if you have made a decision after divorce that you will never be in your Ex company, then by all means you need to explain to your children that that's the result of their mother's actions. You don't need to apologize to anyone for it. Least of all to your children; your Ex should be the one doing all the explaining and apologizing.

But whatever you choose to do, do it from a place with conviction, character, authority, and no room for misunderstandings to everyone involved so that they all can see that you are in control when it comes to decisions as to the well-being and needs of your children.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

DUDE ... you should not be concerned with what EITHER your wife or ex-wife thinks about what you should or should not be doing with your 'family'.
You make that call. 
Full stop.

Do not make it about what your wife wants or needs. That is an utterly horrible way to approach this, and if anything, you reinforce that she can impact both how and with whom in your family you choose to interact with. 
Flip the script on her. Ask her if she has any concerns for what YOU need when it comes to you interacting with YOUR children. 

Two very easy words for your wife. "Grow up."


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

Why not get joint and separate pics taken? Then you've got what you need for each situation?

As for these women telling you what you can and can't do. Stand up for yourself and your son.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

SF-FAN said:


> My wife doesn't want me playing family with my ex like we're still together.


I haven't read past the post I am quoting.

You and your ex wife are divorced. You aren't a family anymore. Why are you still taking family pictures with her as if you are still a family?

I'm not insecure, I know my worth and I know I can easily find a new romantic partner or be happy solo, but this would piss me off, too. Mostly because I do know my worth and I would find taking family pictures with an ex to either show


a lack of spine (the man is too scared to say no),
unresolved issues from the past (hasn't entirely gotten over the fact that they aren't a family anymore) or
a loyalty issue (who's family are you a part of...mine or your ex's?)

And if my husband was worried about upsetting his ex in any way I'd quite happily tell him to pack his ****.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

MJJEAN said:


> I haven't read past the post I am quoting.
> 
> You and your ex wife are divorced. You aren't a family anymore. Why are you still taking family pictures with her as if you are still a family?
> 
> ...


They are parents to a son whose day it was.

I mean if you can't pose for a picture together with your son for his sporting or other event without the new wife getting angry I'd definitely say that is all sorts of wrong in terms of having healthy functioning relationships.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

You have a lot on your plate, Infeel for you, you’re in a terrible position. (Do the kids know she cheated? Now is a good time to let that one out) 

I think it’s a good idea to sort it out and make rules YESTERDAY. If it’s hard now, think about when they start getting married and having kids! It seems to be a common story when people remarry and there are kids involved. 

The dormant unresolved stuff becomes a nightmare once kids get married, their special days become all about the parents, exes and new partners, it’s so hard for them. And gets worse again once new wives and ex wives start on the grandkids. So many couples I know that remarried are going through this now, and even though the kids become adults their parents’ old marriages start to really erode on their wedding days and special events like the birth of children etc. Divorce is really just the beginning, so lay down the rules, sooner rather than later, before your adult kids eventually tell you all where to go, or internalise their own pain to make special moments work around you. It won’t be just the second wife they’ll resent.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

MJJEAN said:


> I haven't read past the post I am quoting.
> 
> You and your ex wife are divorced. You aren't a family anymore. Why are you still taking family pictures with her as if you are still a family?
> 
> ...


So if one of your children were to get married, and you were divorced, you and your ex couldn't be in wedding party photos together? What a drag that would be for the couple getting married.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The only common denominator between your ex and current wife is you. For some reason, you've allowed your wife to get the impression that you're still emotionally invested in your ex. You worry about the trouble your ex will make instead of dealing with it as it comes. Current wife makes these snarky comments about the ex because she is trying to get you to see that the ex ain't all that. In short, you haven't made current wife feel that she is #1.

Do you like the idea of two women fighting for your time/affections? Being wishy-washy to keep the peace isn't doing anyone any favors. Set your boundaries with both wives and stand by them.

As far as pics, ask the kids how they want to do this. Even the kids will know the pic is recording a lie.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> The only common denominator between your ex and current wife is you. For some reason, you've allowed your wife to get the impression that you're still emotionally invested in your ex. You worry about the trouble your ex will make instead of dealing with it as it comes. Current wife makes these snarky comments about the ex because she is trying to get you to see that the ex ain't all that. In short, you haven't made current wife feel that she is #1.
> 
> Do you like the idea of two women fighting for your time/affections? Being wishy-washy to keep the peace isn't doing anyone any favors. Set your boundaries with both wives and stand by them.
> 
> As far as pics, ask the kids how they want to do this. Even the kids will know the pic is recording a lie.


I can't see how the picture is recording a lie. Kid has a mom and a dad. Just because they aren't a couple anymore doesn't make them not his mom and dad.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

SF-FAN said:


> That was almost her exact words. My wife doesn't want me playing family with my ex like we're still together. I've told her she has nothing to worry about and it really only is for the kids. My ex is also remarried and her and I will never see each other as significant others. Nevertheless my wife is a little old school in that she believes that when people break up, they break up and should have little to no interaction. We've discussed her insecurities and she won't budge.


I am male and agree with your current wife. Past is past, close the door. You should still communicate about your child but not still play the happy family in pictures or publicly. If you are both remarried then there should be 2 sets of photos you, son and step-mom, and another of son, mom and step-dad. Seems ex wants to keep you wife seperated and not be included. Any difficulties for your son were caused by your ex, remind her of that and quit letting her control and manipulate you.

Not teaching your son about standing your ground or protecting your relationship with your spouse if you dont shut this ex down cold.

I have a damn aunt that has been married several times, they are all F'ed up. Their screwed up mom really did a number on all those sisters, my mom included. Dont see how any of the men could have stayed married to them. 
Any how, she used to berate her ex hubby, about their kids doing stuff and he should be doing this or that. He was a good hard working man, mechanic, but she was never satisfied. He told her, "You don't get to tell me what to do any more! We are divorced!" and hung up the phone. Way to go Uncle David! I respected him more than her and still considered him my uncle even though he had been divorced from my mom's sister for years.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

SF-FAN said:


> I'm trying to keep my current wife happy but according to my ex, my kids will grow to resent her because she is the one keeping both their parents from being in the same picture.


********! This is your ex manipulating you. Tail wagging the dog. Tell your wife, "No they will start to resent you, you are the reason we are divorced". Dude wake your **** up! Your ex has an agenda, she is still trying to control you. Does your kids know why you divorced. If they dont tell ex to shut this **** down and not talk crap about you or wife or you will tell kids the real reason you are not taking photos with their mom.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

SF-FAN said:


> I have a feeling they'll stick with the status quo so they don't upset their mom. I don't get how a damn picture could cause such an issue and it's not frequent. You're talking about 1 or 2 per year if that for a special occasion.


Do you also take a photo with your current wife and the kid? It would only be right.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

When you are conflict avoidant you piss everyone off. You let this get out of hand for no good reason.

I have not seen one post where your kids have requested anything. My take is they could care less one way or the other.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

SF-FAN said:


> There's no tension between my kids and my wife yet but my ex says there will be if they see that her insecurities are what's causing us to not take pics together. But yes there are valid considerations on both sides and I don't know where the common ground is.


Many of your problems, before, long ago, and today, stem from being a "Nice guy" and non-confrontational. 

Put your ex-wife in her place, quietly and firmly. Tell her that she no longer gets her way, just because.
Be fair, but not the fool.

Appeasers get run down, then run-over, flat.

Heed these words, not......you may then lose your new wife, certainly, her respect for you.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Let the old wife cut two singular (kid/ parent) pictures in half and tape the two of you together, if she must.

The old wife has not changed_, _she _still wants_ two men to twiddle around. 
She is entitled.

Before it was you and her co-worker boyfriend, now it is you and her new husband.

She will likely cheat on the new husband. 
I feel the heat, I see the steam, I smell the sulfur.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

SF-FAN said:


> However, I don't want her to exert control over me because her and I are not together anymore. I think she's just used to the fact that as co-parents we've gotten along fairly well agree with each other on most topics so she thinks this is an extension of that.


How about telling us than when are you going to stop letting her exert control over you. Looks to me like your ex old lady sez jump and you say how high. I mean, lets see what front and center with you Dawg; oh yah, kiss her azz so you can keep getting along fairly well. And here you are bellyaching, not really about your ex wife, but about your current wife's "insecurities". She not insecure about her marriage to you. She sees it exactly like I see it---the importance of you pleasing and pandering to your ex to the extent of making her the "odd man out". She's aware of who the "couple" is when the ex is around. If it wasn't the kids pictures, it would be something else. Maybe you should spend more lecturing your current wife how important it that she play second fiddle and stay in the shadows to avoid pissing off the queen bee. I just know the little lady has the utmost respect for the way you handle your ex. I bet she thinks its sexy the way you take the bull by the horns and make her first in your life. Hell, I'm even impressed. You sure you don't have some Lion blood coursing through your veins.
In respect to the kids' pictures, or whatever excuse comes up next time to placate the ex, I'd tell the little shyts that my current wife will be included in the picture or I'm not going to be in the picture. But if I did that, I would piss the ex and I would live in fear because "She's the type that will call my new wife out about it and then the real s**tstorm will happen." God help us if the ex gets pissed and shows her wrath. You probably go into a panic attack just thinking about it. Have you explain to your newbie the dangers inherent in your ex calling her out? She'd likely pee in her pants if she knew.
Bottom line Dawg, your azz kissing, pleasing and placating your ex has caused you to look incredibly weak and disrespectful to your current wife. But hey, at least you may be willing to take a firm stand against her. She knows the score my man and makes her love you that much more.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

SF-FAN said:


> And I think this way of thinking is correct. But most teenagers - (boy) teenagers - don't care which puts the ball back in my court. And I have a feeling that if my ex got wind that I asked my kids what they wanted she'd be pissed because I'm making them choose instead of being an adult and doing the "right thing" in her mind.
> 
> It's a lose lose situation to be honest and it sucks because now I don't look forward to my kids' special occasions and they should be cause for celebration.
> 
> My son graduates in 2 weeks and he only gets like 5 tickets I think. I have a feeling my current wife will not be on the list and that will be a whole new issue right there.


That would be BS her not being there.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Openminded said:


> Your ex will rule your life if you let her. She’ll never stop so you do what you want to do and let it go. If you keep considering what she wants then you’ll still be dealing with that when the grandchildren come along. As to graduation, yes, five tickets is normal for this time. My guess is the grandmother is her mom so she’s not giving up her ticket. Your wife is out of luck on this one, I’m afraid.


Is both grandmothers alive? It would not be right to give to one and not the other. If it goes that way, do not sit with the witch.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

SF-FAN said:


> As far as my ex cheating and blowing up the family, she did and though it was a horrible time, it led to bigger better things for me and the kids. For me to move on and feel liberated I had to forgive my ex and I did and I don't hold a grudge but I'm also not her husband to be doing what she wants me to. Like I said in my first post, we are civil though not BFFs so I'm not going to be petty and bring up her cheating as reason for us not to take pics.
> 
> If I don't take a pic with her and my kids it is out of respect for my current wife and that's basically it. For me it doesn't matter either way so I guess I just have to see how my kids feel about it. If they truly care and want me in the pic with their mom I'll be in and if they don't care I won't be and she'll have to deal with it and stew all she wants.
> 
> Luckily I only have one more son, after this one, that is still in school to deal with this BS and we're 3 years out until he's a senior.


But you are doing what she wants you to. You are still very much controlled by her, maybe not physically but emotionally manipulated by. Even just caving to avoid stress IS being controlled. If kids want both parents, fine but ensure there is also one with kids and step-mom....as said above, to display in your current home.


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## azimuth (May 15, 2018)

I would probably just respond to the message and say something like, we took individual pics and it worked out fine, no one died so we're going to keep going with the individual pics. You don't have say anything more than that to your ex. You don't have to have a discussion with her about your relationship with the kids.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

SF-FAN said:


> I agree with you 100% and I intend to talk to my kids but when you say "not your circus, not your monkeys" you can bet it will become my circus and monkeys. She's not one to go quietly and respect my decision. She will cause problems as much as she can, even if they are subtle, to the point my new wife may want out altogether. So that's why I don't mind a picture once every so often to keep the peace. After my son's graduation I will have a 3 year break of not having to worry about it, I am so ready.
> 
> However, I don't want her to exert control over me because her and I are not together anymore. I think she's just used to the fact that as co-parents we've gotten along fairly well agree with each other on most topics so she thinks this is an extension of that.
> 
> My kids butt heads with their mom often, but she is a huge influence on them. If she finds out I talked to them about it she will immediately tell them it's my wife's fault we can't take pictures with mom/dad/kid anymore. She'll likely try to sour them on my wife. That's another tactic I'm sure she'll use.


Then by God you defend your wife against her crap. You are showing red flags to your wife that you are not a strong, safe partner she can depend on. You are allowing the circus and monkeys to affect you. Cut the head off the the damn monkeys! And if you want to put a stop to this crap...eat the damn monkeys brains. 
You just scream to me a man who it controlled by his ex wife....are you a man or a F'ing mouse! Damn dude! You remind me alot of my dad...loved him but i did not respect him for how weak he was and controlled by mom. He was non-confrontational and had no spine...just wanted to keep the peace. If you continue how you are going, be sure to keep a wet rag in your pocket to wipe off exes shoes, dont want dirt on your lips.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Livvie said:


> So if one of your children were to get married, and you were divorced, you and your ex couldn't be in wedding party photos together? What a drag that would be for the couple getting married.


It is fine so long as the new step-parents are included.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

SF-FAN said:


> You're talking about 1 or 2 per year if that for a special occasion.


So, what you're saying is that on special occasions you still belong to your ex. But that's ok because it's only on special occasions. Never mind that you should be sharing these special occasions with your actual wife as opposed to the cheating ex.



Girl_power said:


> First off, don’t talk to your ex wife about your current wife’s problems.
> 
> Yes your wife is insecure, I totally understand. All you can do is sit your wife down and talk to her about it, not before any even but right now. Don’t cause a fight about it but just have an adult conversation about what’s best for everyone. Don’t dictate to her.
> 
> And then when an event does come up, calmly talk to her about it the day before so the event doesn’t get ruined.


I agree with the first bit. He's an absolute fool or tool for telling his ex ANYTHING about his current wife or her opinions.

I disagree with the rest. Sure, a nice talk is great. But the reality seems to be they've already had some talks. His wife thinks he shouldn't have anything to do with the ex other than the bare minimum. She has her boundary. 



SF-FAN said:


> Plus his mom would throw a fit and make the graduation ceremony very uncomfortable, I'm sure.


That's on her and her embarrassment to suffer. If I were you and my ex did throw that public fit I'd be more than happy to explain to the audience how she cheated, destroyed the family, and now has the chutzpah to throw a fit about the direct result of her actions.



D0nnivain said:


> Tell your present wife that your children's need come 1st & if they want a picture with mom & dad you will gladly pose for it.


Except a picture isn't a need. It's a want. And part of raising the younglings is telling them they can't always get what the want. Especially if what they want causes strife for others.



Diana7 said:


> I mean what is she going to say when they get married and there are photos with the couple and their parents? Will she complain about that as well?


Maybe it's a regional thing, but divorced parents posing with their kid on the wedding day hasn't really been a thing here since the late 80-s-early 90's. Usually, a pic is taken with Parent A and Kidult or Parent A, Step-Parent A, and Kidult. Then another set is taken with Parent B.



SF-FAN said:


> For me to move on and feel liberated


Which will never happen as long as you give a flying fig how she thinks, what she thinks, how she feels, or how she might behave badly. Drop the rope, man.



SF-FAN said:


> If they truly care and want me in the pic with their mom I'll be in and if they don't care I won't be *and she'll have to deal with it and stew all she wants.*


That's a real good way to end up on the lookout for the 3rd Mrs SF Fan.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

AGoodFlogging said:


> They are parents to a son whose day it was.
> 
> I mean if you can't pose for a picture together with your son for his sporting or other event without the new wife getting angry I'd definitely say that is all sorts of wrong in terms of having healthy functioning relationships.


Of course you can pose for a picture with your child at a sporting event! The problem wasn't posing for his picture with his kid. The problem was posing for a picture with his kid and his ex as if they are still a family. They aren't. There was literally zero reason to take that picture other than lack of spine and a desire to appease his ex. All he had to do was simply inform the photographer he and his ex are divorced and ask for separate pictures. If his son questioned the decision he could explain that he and mom are divorced and he doesn't feel it's appropriate to take family pictures when they aren't actually a family anymore. It's really that simple.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

SF-FAN said:


> There's no tension between my kids and my wife yet but my ex says there will be if they see that her insecurities are what's causing us to not take pics together. But yes there are valid considerations on both sides and I don't know where the common ground is.


This isn't your wife's insecurity (unless YOU frame it that way with the kids). This is due to the fact that YOU ARE NOT TOGETHER with their mother. The kids really should have no expectations of you all being in a "happy family" picture together. 
Do your kids know that your ex cheated on you? That by itself should be enough for them to realize that they shouldn't get those types of pics.

YOU need to make it clear to them that YOU didn't want to take a pic with the ex. DO NOT pawn it off on "well, currentWife doesn't want me to, so...."


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Even before the wedding, your current wife had serious issues with your ex wife’s presence and the amount of time you spent with your children and how you spent it (IIRC). You come across as an appeaser with your ex wife and with your current wife — both of whom appear to me to be very controlling. Life will never be easy for you.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

SF-FAN said:


> My son graduates in 2 weeks and he only gets like 5 tickets I think. I have a feeling my current wife will not be on the list and that will be a whole new issue right there.





SF-FAN said:


> It really doesn't work that way. The student gets the tickets and he gives them to who he wants. My son has his mom, grandmother and his 2 siblings that want to go. How do I tell him to not give a ticket to one of them? They've all made the claim that they should get tickets by default. I don't want to put him in that situation and make him choose between his grandmother, siblings and step-mom.
> 
> Plus his mom would throw a fit and make the graduation ceremony very uncomfortable, I'm sure.


Damn, I forgot about this one. Want to hear my position on this one. (as if I care whether you want to hear it or not) Since my wife is important to me, the son wouldn't be choosing between inviting my wife or his grandmother. He'd be choosing between including my wife and me or having a spare f-ing ticket to give away. I'd tell him don't be confused. I ain't telling him who not to give a ticket to. I'm f-ing telling him if my wife ain't there, neither will I be. But what the hell. Your ex has taught you how to treat your current wife and keep you eating out of her own hand. Not a bit surprising she's got the kids under her spell. I hope your current wife is self sufficient enough to stand up for herself. You sure as hell don't have the stones to do it. If you, your two kids, your ex, and her are on a sinking boat and there are only three life preservers, I hope the girl's a strong swimmer.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

A child taking a picture with both of his parents doesn't mean they are still a family unit. It means, a child is taking a picture with his two biological parents. My kids would think it's weird if they couldn't ever have one special milestone picture, like graduation, with just their freaking mom and dad.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

VladDracul said:


> Damn, I forgot about this one. Want to hear my position on this one. (as if I care whether you want to hear it or not) Since my wife is important to me, the son wouldn't be choosing between inviting my wife or his grandmother. He'd be choosing between including my wife and me or having a spare f-ing ticket to give away. I'd tell him don't be confused. I ain't telling him who not to give a ticket to. I'm f-ing telling him if my wife ain't there, neither will I be. But what the hell. Your ex has taught you how to treat your current wife and keep you eating out of her own hand. Not a bit surprising she's got the kids under her spell. I hope your current wife is self sufficient enough to stand up for herself. You sure as hell don't have the stones to do it. If you, your two kids, your ex, and her are on a sinking boat and there are only three life preservers, I hope the girl's a strong swimmer.


No offense but life isn't as black and white as you make it out to be. How am I going to tell my son that his grandmother that's been there for him since birth can't go to his graduation but his step-mom that's only known him 2 years has to be there. Sorry dude, you're advice is way too far on the aggressive side. It's his graduation therefore he gives the tickets to whom he wants there. He'd like many others there like my wife, his aunts, uncles, etc. but unfortunately that's not feasible.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I get the ticket thing and have been through that as well. That’s just life right now. But you’ve got much bigger issues than the number of graduation tickets available and who gets them.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

After reading all the posts let me try to answer as best I can:

Yes my kids know their mom cheated, they hate her for it but it's their mom. They don't always get along with her and sometimes don't want to be around her but again, it's their mom. I have not asked if they want both me and my exW in the picture so I don't know but I will be making it about what they want, not about what their mom or my wife wants.

My exW is a manipulator and wants to exert control but I've put a stop to it many times. Her and I don't communicate much at all anymore unless it's an issue with the kids and that's it. We don't sit together at events whether her husband or my wife is there or not and usually don't talk at all except to say hello. We're not BFFs and we don't hang out. 

Yes my wife and I do take separate pics with the kids as well. So does my exW and her husband. Things are not perfect but for the most part the co-parenting works, we're civil and keep to our own spouses, families and lives. 

This picture thing is one issue that has come up and as I mentioned before, I could care less either way. If my son wants a picture together, great, if not then great also. Either way, my wife and her husband will be taking pics with him as well.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

SF-FAN said:


> After reading all the posts let me try to answer as best I can:


SF, you should have said this stuff at the front end instead of letting us conclude you're wimping out for the likes of your ex. Sounded too much like she had you and everybody else kowtowing to her demands. Nevertheless, you still need to stop letting the ex, your kids, and perhaps even your wife to a certain extent, jerk your azz around. It ain't going to hurt the kids to have you teach them the limitations of life either. His graduation; his prerogitive and responsibility who he wants there. Step up the the plate and show them the man with the hair on his balls.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

AGoodFlogging said:


> Why not get joint and separate pics taken? Then you've got what you need for each situation?
> 
> As for these women telling you what you can and can't do. Stand up for yourself and your son.


Or all of the above, it’s really not that hard.
1. have a picture with just you and your son,
2. a picture with just your ex-wife and your son, and
3. a picture with all three of you.
Your son can have the picture of all three of you to do with as he wishes, you get the one of you and your son to put up in the house, and your ex-wife can have the one of her and your son.

And if either women have a problem with that scenario, they are the problem.

And just to reiterate the reminder others have mentioned, you owe your ex-wife absolutely nothing. Zero. Less than zero. Your son, and his wishes are what matters here.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

sideways said:


> If your ex did in fact cheat on you (which blew up your family and why you divorced her) why do you give a [email protected]?n what she thinks or says?
> 
> If your ex is so concerned about your kids and their memories maybe she should have thought about that before she cheated on their father.


This ^^

Second wife and stepmum here, I can see both sides of this. I personally have no issue with my husband and his ex cactus, oops, wife, taking photos together with my stepdaughter. I've even taken them myself lol. That's probably because I know that my husband puts me first, and holds his ex's opinions in absolutely zero regard.

I also know that there is no way in hades that he would tolerate me being excluded from a graduation. He'd be contacting the school and insisting on another ticket.

Marrying someone with children, you do need to understand the ex will always, unfortunately, be in the picture - my husbands ex is high conflict too, so it aint no picnic. The kids NEEDS should come first, especially when they're small. But it does not mean that the step parents wishes are always disregarded "because it's all about the kids" either. 

My stepdaughter also lives with us full time, and has done for years now, her mothers choice.

If my husband were to constantly disregard my wishes to keep the peace with the ex, there would be hell to pay and probably a divorce. I simply wouldn't stand for it.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

SF-FAN said:


> I'm trying to keep my current wife happy but according to my ex, my kids will grow to resent her because she is the one keeping both their parents from being in the same picture.


That is BS. Your X is full of herself. Take her intentions with a grain of salt and dismiss them.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

frusdil said:


> This ^^
> 
> Second wife and stepmum here, I can see both sides of this. I personally have no issue with my husband and his ex cactus, oops, wife, taking photos together with my stepdaughter. I've even taken them myself lol. That's probably because I know that my husband puts me first, and holds his ex's opinions in absolutely zero regard.
> 
> ...


What if every family insisted on another ticket?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

SF-FAN said:


> I'm trying to keep my current wife happy but according to my ex, my kids will grow to resent her because she is the one keeping both their parents from being in the same picture....
> 
> 
> If your kids pick such a senseless battle to fight.........
> ...


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Livvie said:


> What if every family insisted on another ticket?


That wouldn't happen though? If it did a decision would need to be made by each family individually.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

frusdil said:


> That wouldn't happen though? If it did a decision would need to be made by each family individually.


Well, that's why all families get a set number, right? so decisions can be made with the number of tickets every family gets. You said your husband would demand an extra ticket. How is that fair to all of the other families who have to decide who could go to graduation and who couldn't?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Livvie said:


> Well, that's why all families get a set number, right? so decisions can be made with the number of tickets every family gets. You said your husband would demand an extra ticket. How is that fair to all of the other families who have to decide who could go to graduation and who couldn't?


I said he wouldn't tolerate me being excluded. He would insist on another ticket, as would many other families in that situation. Others again wouldn't be phased, not all stepparents want to attend, so there wouldn't be an instance of "every other family demanding a ticket". My husband would only do that if there was no compromise among family members. He would say I trump a grandparent.

I'm not going to go back and forth with you on this, the OP asked for opinions and I gave mine.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

SF-FAN said:


> No offense but life isn't as black and white as you make it out to be. How am I going to tell my son that his grandmother that's been there for him since birth can't go to his graduation but his step-mom that's only known him 2 years has to be there. Sorry dude, you're advice is way too far on the aggressive side. It's his graduation therefore he gives the tickets to whom he wants there. He'd like many others there like my wife, his aunts, uncles, etc. but unfortunately that's not feasible.


Yikes, she got pushed to the bottom of the pile again. It’s clearer and clearer that she’s just not a priority. 

It’s not ‘how am I going to tell my son’, it’s your subconscious telling us she’s way down the ladder. 

I get it. 

If I really love somebody I don’t even get into who will think what, what will I say if that person this, so and so will be upset, that person will have to go instead of... I’d go buy a dress and excitedly plan a big night with my significant other.

It’s ok, don’t worry, she knows her place already and will slip away so quietly off the bottom of the ladder you won’t even see it coming. And she won’t be anything like the first ex. I see a future no-contact so hard that you’ll be free, FREEE!


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## Twodecades (Apr 4, 2021)

It sounds like your XW has trained you to walk on her eggshells. When you learn how to sidestep the picture situation, she'll find some new eggshell issue to have you tiptoing over. It will always be something, because she enjoys having power over you. 

Re: the graduation situation, that IS rough. Since it's your son's day and limited seats, personally, I'd let him pick who receives the tickets...but do NOT sit with the XW. Take a single pic with him or a group pic, but avoid the posing with just him and XW. Remain chill and positive and pretend you don't know what XW is talking about if she tries to squawk about it. She'll probably push back hard when she realizes she's losing control, but things will never change if you keep capitulating. I can almost guarantee she enjoys the turmoil she causes you.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Luckylucky said:


> Yikes, she got pushed to the bottom of the pile again. It’s clearer and clearer that she’s just not a priority.
> 
> It’s not ‘how am I going to tell my son’, it’s your subconscious telling us she’s way down the ladder.
> 
> ...


Why would she be a priority over a grandparent?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Twodecades said:


> It sounds like your XW has trained you to walk on her eggshells. When you learn how to sidestep the picture situation, she'll find some new eggshell issue to have you tiptoing over. It will always be something, because she enjoys having power over you.
> 
> Re: the graduation situation, that IS rough. Since it's your son's day and limited seats, personally, I'd let him pick who receives the tickets...but do NOT sit with the XW. Take a single pic with him or a group pic, but avoid the posing with just him and XW. Remain chill and positive and pretend you don't know what XW is talking about if she tries to squawk about it. She'll probably push back hard when she realizes she's losing control, but things will never change if you keep capitulating. I can almost guarantee she enjoys the turmoil she causes you.


At my son's graduation we have to sit in family pods 😃 so all attendees for each child all have to sit together


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## Twodecades (Apr 4, 2021)

Maybe he could make sure to put the grandmother and/or kids between them? That's a tough one.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I realise my situation is different to a lot of stepfamilies too, in that my husband and I have raised this precious girl together, with very little input from her "mother" and that was her choice. One day she simply decided she couldn't cope with her and her ASD, so she dropped her off here and never came back. That was 6 years ago, and she's not spent any meaningful time with her in almost 2 years.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Livvie said:


> Why would she be a priority over a grandparent?


To the kid, the wife wouldn't be a priority over granny. Its the kid's prerogative who the tickets go to. As a husband, my wife's the priority and at the pinnacle. No one, including my son is above her (albeit she's his actual mother in my case) If my wife's not a priority with my family, I ain't a priority so count me out. My view, in this situation is the monkey is on the son's back and a good lesson that you don't always get what you want and your choices have consequences. Of course, old SF got his current old lady down there with others like, "his aunts, uncles, etc". 
I can't help feeling a little sorry for SF. He's not only having to convince his current wife that despite the appearance, she's really the cat's pajamas in his eyes while some of you help him twist himself into a pretzel to keep adequate social distance between him and his ex. What's going to be a hoot is when the ex wife's new husband shows up and old SF has to explain that to his newbie.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Livvie said:


> What if every family insisted on another ticket?


Exactly..the step-parent should take presidence over a sibling. The siblings will have their day, they should both be home and that would allow another spare ticket for the step-parents.
Being at an event such as this has more meaning to parent/step-parent/grand-parent than a sibling, the proper thing to do is for one of those three to take presidense over sibling. It is a no brainer as ti the proper thing to do. Unless older sibling basicslly took on the role of a non-existent parent as my wife did for her little brothers.
This is another opportunity he has to tell child, "This is the right and proper choice to make"

If they are a student there, they can probably be at the school without a ticket.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

frusdil said:


> I said he wouldn't tolerate me being excluded. He would insist on another ticket, as would many other families in that situation. Others again wouldn't be phased, not all stepparents want to attend, so there wouldn't be an instance of "every other family demanding a ticket". My husband would only do that if there was no compromise among family members. He would say I trump a grandparent.
> 
> I'm not going to go back and forth with you on this, the OP asked for opinions and I gave mine.


Dang sure trump a sibling.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Divinely Favored said:


> Exactly..the step-parent should take presidence over a sibling. If they are a student there, they can probably be at the school without a ticket.


Really? So in an example, dad's new wife of one year, who isn't very nice to the graduate or his brother, should go to graduation but not his brother he grew up with and is also his best friend? F that.

I know several families where the spouse of one of the parents certainly would/should not take precedence. Some spouses of parents did not "parent" at all, are not close to the kids, and are consistently mean to the kids.

You can't make blanket one size fits all statements.

WE have had on this very forum a couple of posters who luckily decided to get out of second marriages because these women were so detrimental to these men's children.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I wanted to think about this before I posted this response because this whole thing definitely has parallels with what I had with my ex and his ex and daughter.


First, I find the differences in opinions regarding priorities for the graduation to be interesting. I can understand the difficulty it presents and admit I have mixed feelings about it. I would urge you to explain to junior that if your wife is going to be left off the guest list mother's husband better be left off too or you will have to regretfully bow out. This is a life lesson for him....if he puts a rule in place and everyone is subject to it people may be unhappy but it will go over much better then if your wife is simply placed further down the totem pole then the other step parent. Guaranteed she will not forget that.

And that brings me to my main point. I'd urge you to step back from the graduation and think about the bigger picture of how you are facilitating your wife’s inclusion into your family. And make no mistake....that is YOJR job. If you don't step up it's going to cause you trouble in ways you can't yet know.

See my ex said exactly the same things as you. He didn't care about his ex and it was all about his daughter, blah blah. And truly he probably didn't.

But he was also worried about upsetting the ex and thus threw me under the bus to placate her. He was extremely conflict avoidant.

His daughter was 16 when I met him....not much different then your son. We actually got along OK at first, but in the years that followed I would be excluded from things and just generally not treated as part of the family. I'd be invited to large events where everyone was invited and gifts were involved, but I'd be excluded from smaller outings. My ex did nothing but make excuses because he was afraid of upsetting her highness his daughter, so little by little my relationship with her fractured. Then he'd be pissed off at me because it was easier then dealing with her highness. There was a definite pecking order and his ex was on top and I was on the bottom. I never expected the daughter to prioritize me over her mother of course but I did expect my ex to prioritize me over placating his ex and inconviencing his daughter. I really believe this happened at least in part because my ex never facilitated my inclusion so when more intimate events came up his daughter didn't think of me. In 13 years with him I never got a happy birthday from her. Not one. I doubt she even knew when it was, but boy was I expected to know hers.

This wasn't the only reason I left him but it was among them. Looking back i think he could have facilitated a much better relationship between his daughter and I if he wasn't such a coward and had been willing to have uncomfortable conversations about inclusion with her. I could tell you stories but I don't want to thread jack.

Your son is 17 and about to be held to adult standards. Do yourself a favor and help him learn about the dynamics of inclusion and what is going to happen with different choices. He's not going to get a pass on the consequences for much longer and maybe not even right now. This is a valuable lesson for him.

As for your wife, I suspect the reason she talks about your ex and generally has the attitude she does is because she senses she's not priority one. If she felt like she was she might overlook something like not being able to attend the graduation. This isn't about this one event...it's about the pecking order in your family. I'd suggest you have a sit down first with your son and then with your son and wife.

If she ends up being excluded find something else for you guys to do with your son afterwards.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Livvie said:


> Really? So in an example, dad's new wife of one year, who isn't very nice to the graduate or his brother, should go to graduation but not his brother he grew up with and is also his best friend? F that.
> 
> I know several families where the spouse of one of the parents certainly would/should not take precedence. Some spouses of parents did not "parent" at all, are not close to the kids, and are consistently mean to the kids.
> 
> ...


There are exceptions to every rule. There are instances where the actual parent is toxic and does not deserve/should not get a ticket. If there are not serious issues the proper thing would be for it to be offered to step-parent. If i was a sibling in this situation, i would offer my ticket to the step-parent, as is proper. If my child did not do this i would voice my disappointment in them.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Livvie, to add to what DF said, SF-Fan started the thread about what I interpreted as his new wife's lack of understanding his relationship with his efforts to keep the peace by placating his ex. We later got sucked into the kid and who gets graduation tickets. SF simply ain't coming out of this without likely hurting someones feelings.. He's straddling the fence and blaming someone else while hoping for a formula to make his newbie understand and go along with his efforts. If he'd handled his ex differently, he likely wouldn't now have the problem of appearing that he and his new wife are expected to give up their idenitity and status to placate the ex. Ultimately the measure of what kind of man he is and how his new wife and others see him, is not where he stands when everyting is going his way, but where he stands in moments of controversy. Time for this old boy to take off "I'm a passive schmuck" hat. Him losing who he is and damaging his relationship with his new wife in the process of serving, giving, pleasing his ex is a fools game and could very well be a death sentence for his marriage.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I remember his other thread (before he married his current wife). She had some serious issues about the time he spent with his children and was IMO very jealous of them. It’s been a couple of years since that thread so who knows what the story is now. But with only five tickets available in a pandemic year, obviously not everyone can go as would be the case in a normal year. His concern is probably more how she’ll react to not being able to go. And my response to that is it’s not about her.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

SF-FAN said:


> I got married about 2 years ago. I have 3 kids from a previous marriage. My ex-wife and I are civil but not BFFs. We all see each other at the kids' events, are cordial, say hi but that's about it.
> 
> My son had a "senior night" for football recently wherein his mom (my ex) and I walk him down the field and we take pics together. I don't see anything wrong with that and I don't care because it's normal to me but my wife has taken offense to it. She got upset and said that next time I need to request we take separate pictures because my ex and I shouldn't be taking pics together because we're divorced.
> 
> ...


In my experience with having kids and being remarried my ex and I did everything separately. The family that once was is no longer in existence.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

I have mixed feelings about the whole thing as well, however, other than the pics together, the exW and I do not come together for anything related to the kids. We speak or text on occasion but it is only about issues related to the kids and no often at all. My wife is at everything UNLESS and takes pics with my kids and me at all the events. She is there front and center but unfortunately she is not my kids' biological mom so she has to take a back seat for certain things but not in my life.

According to my son, the people that he wants to give tickets to are me, his mom, his 2 blood siblings and his grandmother. My exW's husband is way lower on the pecking order than even my wife is so unless he was able to wrangle a ticket elsewhere, he's not going with my son's tickets. I tried calling several people at the school but they are not giving extra tickets. I told my son to ask friends to see if anyone might have an extra and I'll buy it from them but with so little tickets being given out this year, no one has any. 

I agree that I will have to put my foot down when I need to with the exW but we don't have a ton of interaction as it is. What I don't want is for the exW to take it out on my current wife and then all kids' events turn into a toxic event to where they can't be in the same place together. The exW thrives on drama, she feeds off of it so I don't give it to her. If she was doing other things to try to control me and bring issues to my marriage then I'd have no choice but to take it head on but for an issue as small as a pic together once or twice a year with our spouses present and then pics with our spouses and kids I don't want to create a war. That doesn't mean that I don't respect my wife or her wishes.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

SF-FAN said:


> What I don't want is for the exW to take it out on my current wife


You can prevent this by saying this is YOUR choice, not your current wife. It's all in the way YOU present it.
It's not "well, current_wife isn't comfortable if I....."
It's "I do not want to do this with exW, so we can do something separate"


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

SF-FAN said:


> What I don't want is for the exW to take it out on my current wife and then all kids' events turn into a toxic event to where they can't be in the same place together.


You make sure ex doesn't take it out on current wife by simply 
A) Never, ever, ever, even hint that a choice you make is anything but solely yours. 
"I don't feel comfortable taking pictures with you as we are divorced." for example.
and
B) Not in any way tolerating her drama and calling her out, calmly and firmly, each and every time she acts up.
Which you should have been doing the whole time. Had you been doing this the whole time you wouldn't be having the problems that you do.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

MJJEAN said:


> You make sure ex doesn't take it out on current wife by simply
> A) Never, ever, ever, even hint that a choice you make is anything but solely yours.
> "I don't feel comfortable taking pictures with you as we are divorced." for example.
> and
> ...


Here's wherein lies the problem. As I've mentioned many times I don't care about taking pictures together, I can take it or leave it so we've taken pictures together in the past (then took pics with new spouses and kids) NOW that I all of a sudden don't want to exW made the conclusion that my wife is insecure and doesn't like her. Though I told her that was not the case she said she wasn't stupid and new damn well it was so that's her conclusion and she's sticking to it.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Openminded said:


> His concern is probably more how she’ll react to not being able to go. And my response to that is it’s not about her.


We don't know how his wife will react. Ultimately he's going to have to draw a line in the sand and deal with the consequences of his choice.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

We took pics of my son's baseball victories, team, parents etc. Important to him at the time but not long term. He's 34 and never looks at them. Don't let your EX poison things.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

VladDracul said:


> We don't know how his wife will react. Ultimately he's going to have to draw a line in the sand and deal with the consequences of his choice.


I‘m too lazy to read back but I thought he said she is still obsessive about his ex (and anything she does) so when she finds out she’s not going it won’t be good even though in this case, about the tickets, it’s the son’s choice. Photos are another story. And, yes, he does need to draw a line in the sand and deal with the consequences. His ex and his current are similar when it comes to certain things and I doubt that either is going to change any time soon.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

SF, why don't you sit with your wife and explain the ticket situation and ask her how SHE thinks it should be handled.

If she thinks she's being considered rather than just informed she might willingly bow out.

My ex missed so many opportunities to do this with me because he was too gutless to have an adult conversation. Instead he assumed he knew what I thought and chose the path of least resistance for himself.

And it's much easier to complain then to be part of the solution. This will force her to say the grandmother should be excluded if that's what she thinks, but I'd bet she won't.

Also ask her what she's comfortable with assuming you are going to go without her. Maybe you agree to sit separately from your ex...maybe she meets you right after. Include her in the solution.

My ex had season tickets through a friend for a particular college football team. I of course could never go, but the kicker was that his ex and her family were donors and also had season tickets so every freaking week he'd go and tailgate with them. 

I hated it because I already thought he had poor boundaries and kissed his ex's ass. He knew I hated it but played dumb because that's what he did.

One day we had a huge fight over it and he accused me of wanting him to hate them. I said absolutely not....I just wamt reasonable boundaries with your freaking ex and her family.

So instead of talking to me like an adult and negotiating something we could both live with (I would not have asked him to stop going.....only to tone down the tailgating and partying with the ex and family) he chose the path of least resistance and started avoiding the party (or so he said).

But he also resented me for it even though he'd never actually had a conversation with me.

Adults negotiate in relationships and nobody gets everything all the time but everyone gets something abs feels heard.

So have a talk with your wife and ask her how she'd see this handled if it were up to her. Acknowledge how she sees it and offer your perspective, and maybe you can come to an agreement.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

SF-FAN said:


> Possibly. She wasn't as insecure then (or if she was she didn't show it as much).


It sounds as if she was if your were thinking of calling off the wedding!!


Benbutton said:


> In my experience with having kids and being remarried my ex and I did everything separately. The family that once was is no longer in existence.


There are some events where both parents would be there. You can't avoid that. Graduations. Weddings. Babies baptisms etc.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> There are some events where both parents would be there. You can't avoid that. Graduations. Weddings. Babies baptisms etc.


Yep and we don't sit together, take photos together, etc. Things that can be easily accomplished.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> It sounds as if she was if your were thinking of calling off the wedding!!
> There are some events where both parents would be there. You can't avoid that. Graduations. Weddings. Babies baptisms etc.


IIRC, he was having second thoughts about her jealousy issues where his kids were concerned but couldn’t bring himself to call it off so he married her. And apparently at least some of those issues remain.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

SF-FAN said:


> Though I told her that was not the case she said she wasn't stupid and new damn well it was so that's her conclusion and she's sticking to it.


And the proper response to that is "I made a decision. I don't owe you an explanation for my decisions. You're free to believe as you please." and then you walk the F away/hang up/ stop responding to texts. You make a statement, you do not engage, if she wants to keep going you just simply do not respond in ANY way whatsoever.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

SF-FAN said:


> she said she wasn't stupid and new damn well it was so that's her conclusion and she's sticking to it.


SF since you came here seeking advice, can you elaborate on why your ex's opinion and snide remarks has any significance or wields any power over your actions? In all honesty, you're giving a lot of us the impression you just lack the wherewithal to stand up to this woman. I don't know what else to tell you Dawg. We can't give you a formula that's going to make her or anybody else change. If it was me, I'd be asking myself which one of these women is going to make my life my enjoyable at least in the foreseeable future.
Oh yah, I'd add to MJ's recommendation of a proper response, "And you can go piss up a rope".


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

VladDracul said:


> Oh yah, I'd add to MJ's recommendation of a proper response, "And you can go piss up a rope".


Normally, I'd agree with you. And I have been known to tell people to straight up take their opinion, write it down, wrap the piece of paper up, and choke on it. But I have a nice shiny spine and an extra helping of attitude. For someone like OP I think saying anything of the sort will just be read by his ex as a reason to continue engaging because she got a strong response and knows she's found a weak spot. Best to just keep it short and straddling the border of polite and cold dismissal.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

MJJEAN said:


> Normally, I'd agree with you. And I have been known to tell people to straight up take their opinion, write it down, wrap the piece of paper up, and choke on it. But I have a nice shiny spine and an extra helping of attitude. For someone like OP I think saying anything of the sort will just be read by his ex as a reason to continue engaging because she got a strong response and knows she's found a weak spot. Best to just keep it short and straddling the border of polite and cold dismissal.


That is a good point.

Narcs HATE it when they're treated as unimportant.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

jlg07 said:


> You can prevent this by saying this is YOUR choice, not your current wife. It's all in the way YOU present it.
> It's not "well, current_wife isn't comfortable if I....."
> It's "I do not want to do this with exW, so we can do something separate"


Exactly! I come from a family where the women ramrod things. It is not that way in my house. I chose not to have thanksgiving dinner with my mom, aunts and sisters family. After i stated such, they called my wife behind my back to get her to "pull rank" i guess. She told them it was MY decision and since I am the head of the household, it was my decision to make and she supports me in making the decision i felt protected my family.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> That is a good point.
> 
> Narcs HATE it when they're treated as unimportant.


His best bet, imo, is to state what he will and will not do and then become the greyest grey rock ever.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

MJJEAN said:


> You make sure ex doesn't take it out on current wife by simply
> A) Never, ever, ever, even hint that a choice you make is anything but solely yours.
> "I don't feel comfortable taking pictures with you as we are divorced." for example.
> and
> ...


If i felt i needed to take a photo with ex there would be NO QUESTION from the photo that WE are not together. Standing on either side of child with definite spacing. Anyone looking at the photo would no you were divorced.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

After my divorce I did not even want to attend events that I knew my ex was going to be at and I certainly did not want to be included in a family picture. Personally, I see your ex playing a game with your kids to drive a wedge between them and your new wife. If she can make her look bad she keeps her kids from loving them. It is sad, I was a stepmom who raised two stepsons. Many bio moms will do anything to stomp on a stepmom so her kids will not love her.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

I could care less what my exW says about my wife or anything having to do with my life. We butt heads once in a while about disciplining the kids but for the most part we treat each other in a civil manner. I got over the D a looong time ago and it's a done deal. It was a blessing in disguise so I'll never bring it up or throw it in her face. The kids resent her for it and she knows it but that's them. I'm not the type to be confrontational every time we see each other, which is only at kids' events with each of our significant others. They are very much included in everything with the kids as well, neither one is left out. That's not the issue. If one or both spouses don't go, we do not sit together or even close by. We may say hello or wave but that's it. There are boundaries in place. 

Regarding the picture thing I am going to do as my son wants. If he wants a pic with his mom, fine but we always put him in the middle of the pic, it's never been her and I together one one side of the kid. As I mentioned there are boundaries. 

As for the graduation, again it's going to be my son's decision. He is trying to get extra tickets but he may not be able to. Another wrinkle is that my wife and I have a 9 month old who will also need a ticket (stupid school rule) so my son would have to come up with 2 extra tickets. I plan to talk to my wife about it and she may be understanding or she may be hurt, I don't know. I have a feeling she'll be hurt but will have to accept it.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

Quick Update on the Graduation Issue.

My wife and I discussed that my son only gets 5 tickets and he's taking his grandma, mom, 2 siblings and me. At first it seemed like she was ok but then the overthinking kicked in. She said she feels hurt because she's not in his "top 5" and that she feels stupid thinking she was going to go. She's saying it's probably his mom that doesn't want her to go (which it's not, to my knowledge) and she's upset. 

I don't know how to really comfort her. I don't know how to make her understand that it's not that he doesn't care for her he just gave the tickets to people that have been there all his life. Also she's saying that if he does get an extra ticket, she's not going because she wasn't in the first choice to go.

I knew the understanding part was not going to last....ugh stupid covid protocols. Wish they would just video tape it with no parents.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Benbutton said:


> Yep and we don't sit together, take photos together, etc. Things that can be easily accomplished.


There will be family photos though. So the couple with their parents for example. The couples with parents and siblings. Hopefully you would all be mature about it and put the child first. If you can't even stand next to your ex for a photo for your childs sake without your wife causing trouble then that's crazy.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

And now she's saying she should be going instead of his brother and sister.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

SF-FAN said:


> Quick Update on the Graduation Issue.
> 
> My wife and I discussed that my son only gets 5 tickets and he's taking his grandma, mom, 2 siblings and me. At first it seemed like she was ok but then the overthinking kicked in. She said she feels hurt because she's not in his "top 5" and that she feels stupid thinking she was going to go. She's saying it's probably his mom that doesn't want her to go (which it's not, to my knowledge) and she's upset.
> 
> ...


Good grief. Of course she isn't in his top 5 what does she expect? That she should come before his family who have been there his whole life? 
I do think she needs to start being mature about this. She seems almost paranoid and is clearly jealous.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

SF-FAN said:


> And now she's saying she should be going instead of his brother and sister.


Nonsense.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

As I said in another post, set up something fun with her and your son.

And whatever you do.....do NOT go out after the graduation without her. It anything is going to happen afterwards make sure she comes.

Also, why not have your son tell her that he'd love to have her but is limited and feels obligated to have his grandmother and siblings there? He's just about a grown man and hearing it from him might make a lot of difference. 

Some posters are probably going to say she should just suck it up, but I'm not a fan of this approach. It allows things to fester.


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## Twodecades (Apr 4, 2021)

I get it hurts to be left out, but IMHO, she needs to be the adult and not aim her upset at your son. She chose to marry a guy who has kids with his ex-wife. I know that sounds harsh, but it's the bottom line. As long as you are having good boundaries with your XW and putting your current wife first, once in a great while something like this comes with the territory. If you are reassuring her that she is your #1, you aren't bowing to your XW or her manipulations and simply showing up for your son, and you don't ever put your current wife in the middle (throwing her under the bus or talking negatively about her to XW), current wife has to do her part to deal with her own emotions. Blending families is hard; Perhaps seeing a counselor would help (apologies if you already mentioned that). Again, just my opinion.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> As I said in another post, set up something fun with her and your son.
> 
> And whatever you do.....do NOT go out after the graduation without her. It anything is going to happen afterwards make sure she comes.
> 
> ...


After graduation he will likely go with his mom or her family, I wouldn't be going. 

I don't know if my son will do that. He's not that "open." He may feel that way but he doesn't express his feelings like that.

She shouldn't suck it up, I understand it feels bad for her, it feels bad for me. I should be looking forward to my son's graduation and I'm not. I can't wait for it to be over. But she shouldn't be immature about it and act childish.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

SF-FAN said:


> After graduation he will likely go with his mom or her family, I wouldn't be going.
> 
> I don't know if my son will do that. He's not that "open." He may feel that way but he doesn't express his feelings like that.
> 
> She shouldn't suck it up, I understand it feels bad for her, it feels bad for me. I should be looking forward to my son's graduation and I'm not. I can't wait for it to be over. But she shouldn't be immature about it and act childish.


I understand it's difficult, but I really dislike this labeling of her as immature. It's dismissive of the fact that she feels like a second class citizen.

Maybe I just see this differently because I've been in this position of second class citizen.

It is of course reasonable to ask that she not behave poorly, but her feelings are her feelings. You have baggage and married someone without baggage who is now trying to navigate this. Be careful before you start with the immature and childish labels....it has a paternalistic quality thafs bad for a marriage.

Just tell her you understand it's crappy but it's a crappy situation all around and you're doing the best you can. At least acknowledge she's hurt without looking down on it.

As for your son, he's going to have to learn to deal with these kinds if situations. "He's not that open" isn't going to cut it for much longer.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

From what I remember of your other thread (before you married her) she was always unhappy with your relationship with your children and ex so she was very likely never going to take it well that she couldn’t go. But she doesn’t get to take the place of siblings. That’s beyond ridiculous. 

We went through this last year with five tickets for a family of 12 (counting siblings, grandparents, and remarried parents). Only bio parents and siblings went. No stepparents. No grandparents. There was one ticket left over after both parents and siblings got theirs and no one used it since we couldn’t all be there and some weren’t in favor of a lottery to see who got it. That’s just the reality of life with Covid.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

SF-FAN said:


> And now she's saying she should be going instead of his brother and sister.


I agree with her. Unless the step parents are abusive or something, i think they should take presidence over siblings.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> There will be family photos though. So the couple with their parents for example. The couples with parents and siblings. Hopefully you would all be mature about it and put the child first. If you can't even stand next to your ex for a photo for your childs sake without your wife causing trouble then that's crazy.


Nothing to do with spouse, i would not stand next to the ex. Picture without if your wife cant be there to pose also.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Divinely Favored said:


> Nothing to do with spouse, i would not stand next to the ex. Picture without if your wife cant be there to pose also.


If it was for my children of course I would because their wedding pictures and their happiness are far more important than any spats the adults may have. 
At my first wedding my then husband's parents stood together despite being divorced. He had left her for another lady but they just did it for their son. 
When to comes to our children's important events we need to be mature about it and put them first.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

SF-FAN said:


> After graduation he will likely go with his mom or her family, I wouldn't be going.
> 
> I don't know if my son will do that. He's not that "open." He may feel that way but he doesn't express his feelings like that.
> 
> She shouldn't suck it up, I understand it feels bad for her, it feels bad for me. I should be looking forward to my son's graduation and I'm not. I can't wait for it to be over. But she shouldn't be immature about it and act childish.


You were concerned about how badly she was dealing with the fact that you had a family before her. You married her anyway which was a bad mistake in my opinion and the result is that you have all this drama which means you can't enjoy any of these important milestones with your children.
Unless she changes her attitude I can't see how it's going to get better.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Divinely Favored said:


> I agree with her. Unless the step parents are abusive or something, i think they should take presidence over siblings.


As a step parent myself I would never expect to come before a childs own brothers and sisters. The family they have always had.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> As a step parent myself I would never expect to come before a childs own brothers and sisters. The family they have always had.


Wife said it depends on how long step has been on scene. Age difference of siblings and the closeness of sibling. My wife practically raised her younger brothers. Her mom kept going back to her abusive father. She would intervene when dad went after her little brother and she would take the abuse to protect her brother. Go to blows with her father.
She would rather her brother's be there, than for her mom to come.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Divinely Favored said:


> Wife said it depends on how long step has been on scene. Age difference of siblings and the closeness of sibling. My wife practically raised her younger brothers. Her mom kept going back to her abusive father. She would intervene when dad went after her little brother and she would take the abuse to protect her brother. Go to blows with her father.
> She would rather her brother's be there, than for her mom to come.


I can understand that in her case. In the end its up to the child with out any pressure from either side.
I have been a step mum for 16 years since the boys were aged 17 and 20. I wouldnt expect them to ever put me above the family they have had all their lives. On the other hand my husband has been a dad/grandad to my children/grandchildren and they dont see their own dad so they definitely see him as their dad and would always incude him at family type events.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> If it was for my children of course I would because their wedding pictures and their happiness are far more important than any spats the adults may have.
> At my first wedding my then husband's parents stood together despite being divorced. He had left her for another lady but they just did it for their son.
> When to comes to our children's important events we need to be mature about it and put them first.


I think most kids could care less about the photos. It's the ex that is reminded of her misdeeds if photo is not together.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> There will be family photos though. So the couple with their parents for example. The couples with parents and siblings. Hopefully you would all be mature about it and put the child first. If you can't even stand next to your ex for a photo for your childs sake without your wife causing trouble then that's crazy.


No Diana, the kids know we are divorced and no longer a family unit. They don't expect a fake family photo with mom and dad in the same picture. It doesn't even have anything to do with not being able to stand my ex, in fact I could care less for her or anything about her as their is no hate, just indifference. My kids know I have a new family and have never had an issue with it. What's next, family vacations?


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Your wife isn't being immature however she is being unreasonable.

Certainly understand and can appreciate that she's hurt but to expect that she should be chosen above your sons sibs is being unrealistic. No matter why, at the end of the day, it is HIS decision to make as it's HIS graduation.

Stop trying to comfort your wife about this. Doesn't mean that you need to be a jerk to her.

Sounds like from the beginning of your relationship your wife has had issues with your kids. Now it's your son's graduation, something you should be excited about because it's a big milestone in his life, and because of your wife you're not looking forward to going??

SF how many more situations with your kids will your wife try to ruin in the coming years if you don't nip this in the bud??

She can whine about it all she wants but you don't have to coddle her nor let her ruin events of your kids. As others have said she knew what she was getting into when she married you (that you have kids) and there shouldn't be any type of competition that she's putting you in between her and your kids and your ex. Obviously your ex does that but you need to stand your ground with both of them.

It's one thing to be hurt, upset, and disappointed, but that's where it should end, and if your wife continues to make an issue of this than she's pouting and acting like a child.

Life is full of disappointments, this wasn't your choice, it was your sons, and he's made his decision, and if your wife is going to pout about it all it's going to do is make your son feel bad.

By her making him feel bad (by not choosing her above is mom, dad, sibs and grandma) than I would say this would be proof that your son chose wisely because who would put their OWN agenda above your son on an occasion that is about him??

Sounds like your wife!!


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Benbutton said:


> No Diana, the kids know we are divorced and no longer a family unit. They don't expect a fake family photo with mom and dad in the same picture. It doesn't even have anything to do with not being able to stand my ex, in fact I could care less for her or anything about her as their is no hate, just indifference. My kids know I have a new family and have never had an issue with it. What's next, family vacations?


There, not their.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I think just about anyone else on the planet would be jumping up and down that they didn't have to sit through a high school graduation for a kid that wasn't theirs. She really should be thanking her lucky stars. 

This is out of everyone's control so, yeah, she really does need to stop trying to be Miss High&Mighty. She's only been step-mom for 2 years, for Pete's sake!


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> I think just about anyone else on the planet would be jumping up and down that they didn't have to sit through a high school graduation for a kid that wasn't theirs. She really should be thanking her lucky stars.
> 
> This is out of everyone's control so, yeah, she really does need to stop trying to be Miss High&Mighty. She's only been step-mom for 2 years, for Pete's sake!


Yes. And her hissy fit will ensure that your kids will never get close to her. Kids can't trust an adult who displays this kind of behavior/reaction to them. They will not forget how she acted in this situation.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Livvie said:


> Yes. And her hissy fit will ensure that your kids will never get close to her. Kids can't trust an adult who displays this kind of behavior/reaction to them. They will not forget how she acted in this situation.


Exactly!!

But it's about her and not your son. Speaks volumes!!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

This isn't really about the graduation. 

I said it before and I'll say it again. I've been in similar positions.....it's much bigger then one event. Its about the pecking order in this family.

I'd suggest you not get too hung up on this one event and address the bigger issue.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Divinely Favored said:


> I think most kids could care less about the photos. It's the ex that is reminded of her misdeeds if photo is not together.


They just want to be like their mates.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Benbutton said:


> No Diana, the kids know we are divorced and no longer a family unit. They don't expect a fake family photo with mom and dad in the same picture. It doesn't even have anything to do with not being able to stand my ex, in fact I could care less for her or anything about her as their is no hate, just indifference. My kids know I have a new family and have never had an issue with it. What's next, family vacations?


If parents can't even stand together for a couple of photos at a wedding something is v wrong. If the new partners can't even let that happen without throwing a hissy fit something is wrong.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> This isn't really about the graduation.
> 
> I said it before and I'll say it again. I've been in similar positions.....it's much bigger then one event. Its about the pecking order in this family.
> 
> I'd suggest you not get too hung up on this one event and address the bigger issue.


The bigger issue is his wife (based upon what SF has said here on TAM) thinks she should be above his kids and there's a track record of her doing this since she's been in the picture.

You say you've been in this position before.
Did you pout like his wife is doing?
Were you being unreasonable like his wife is in this situation?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

sideways said:


> The bigger issue is his wife (based upon what SF has said here on TAM) thinks she should be above his kids and there's a track record of her doing this since she's been in the picture.
> 
> You say you've been in this position before.
> Did you pout like his wife is doing?
> Were you being unreasonable like his wife is in this situation?


Wow...that was unnecessarily nasty.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> If parents can't even stand together for a couple of photos at a wedding something is v wrong. If the new partners can't even let that happen without throwing a hissy fit something is wrong.


Your view on this is quite warped. First of all hissy fits?? It's actually quite normal not to stand together at photos, the family unit is no longer in tact and such things shouldn't be expected.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> Wow...that was unnecessarily nasty.


Why is it "nasty"?

I'm asking you a question.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

SF-FAN said:


> Quick Update on the Graduation Issue.
> 
> My wife and I discussed that my son only gets 5 tickets and he's taking his grandma, mom, 2 siblings and me. At first it seemed like she was ok but then the overthinking kicked in. She said she feels hurt because she's not in his "top 5" and that she feels stupid thinking she was going to go. She's saying it's probably his mom that doesn't want her to go (which it's not, to my knowledge) and she's upset.
> 
> ...


This is ridiculous! 

Your wife's attitude is beyond ridiculous! She needs to grow up and respect the child's wishes. Choosing the people he wants at his graduation is his right and everyone should respect that. 

All the adults are trying to impose their wishes on him. This is ridiculous! So disrespectful!!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Benbutton said:


> Your view on this is quite warped. First of all hissy fits?? It's actually quite normal not to stand together at photos, the family unit is no longer in tact and such things shouldn't be expected.


The wife in question is having hissy fits. 
It wouldn't bother me in the least if my husband had a photo taken with his ex and son and wife for both sets of parents in a wedding photo. Which here in the uk is one of the photos nearly always taken at weddings. 
My brother was happy to stand with his ex at both their childrens's weddings, that's what mature adults do because it's not about them but about their children.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your wife gave you plenty of warning signs two years ago before the wedding how she felt about all of this — to the point that you were considering not marrying her. But you went through with it because you didn’t want to be the bad guy who called it off. None of this is surprising.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

SF-FAN said:


> *I don't know how to really comfort her. I don't know how to make her understand that it's not that he doesn't care for her he just gave the tickets to people that have been there all his life. Also she's saying that if he does get an extra ticket, she's not going because she wasn't in the first choice to go.
> *




Jesus man! grow a pair or at least learn how to articulate an immediate response where you command authority on what you're saying, so that there's no room for further discussions. 

I don't understand people that they get in a marriage first before taking the time to learn if that person you are marrying is compatible with you and your needs. It seems that you married her first and now you're learning all about her. Plus, your lack of assertiveness.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> The wife in question is having hissy fits.
> It wouldn't bother me in the least if my husband had a photo taken with his ex and son and wife for both sets of parents in a wedding photo. Which here in the uk is one of the photos nearly always taken at weddings.
> My brother was happy to stand with his ex at both their childrens's weddings, that's what mature adults do because it's not about them but about their children.


Ok well if she's having fits that's not cool. That's great for your family, but my ex and I have new families, our kids are older and we just don't see a purpose for it. This whole "about the children" crap is a bit of a crock, yeah sure I put my kids (adults now) first all the time but when it comes to my ex and I, they know and understand mom and dad are their parents that aren't married to eachother. Putting my kids first does not equate to them dictating the decisions I make during family functions. 

I have never suffered the predicament OP currently finds himself in, probably due in large part because my current wife treats my kids better than my exw and she doesn't put me in a tough position like OP's has done to him. My kids also know and respect me enough to not even ask for a picture with their mom and I together with them, because in reality they would feel more awkward about it than their mom or I.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Benbutton said:


> Your view on this is quite warped. First of all hissy fits?? It's actually quite normal not to stand together at photos, the family unit is no longer in tact and such things shouldn't be expected.


Photo isn't all about "intact" or not. Whether someone's biological parents are together in a marriage or not isn't what some photos are about. Nothing will ever change that fact that THOSE are the person's two PARENTS . That will forever be his mom and dad. The photo is about a milestone event and his parents who are there and proud of him.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Livvie said:


> Photo isn't all about "intact" or not. Whether someone's biological parents are together in a marriage or not isn't what some photos are about. Nothing will ever change that fact that THOSE are the person's two PARENTS . That will forever be his mom and dad. The photo is about a milestone event and his parents who are there and proud of him.


Milestones or not, not every divorced family takes family photos, not being intact has alot to do with it for a good number of people. OP's kids will still be his kids, but this issue goes deeper than just a picture.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Benbutton said:


> Milestones or not, not every divorced family takes family photos, not being intact has alot to do with it for a good number of people. OP's kids will still be his kids, but this issue goes deeper than just a picture.


Not really. Someone's parents are their parents no matter what their marital status is. Kid should be able to have one picture with his parents. It doesn't have to be a big deal.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

sideways said:


> Why is it "nasty"?
> 
> I'm asking you a question.


It has a belligerent time rather than a thoughtful question which I don't appreciate.

But if that was not your intenti then I retract my response.

Assuming you were asking a thoughtful question the answer is no, I did not pout. In fact, when my ex's daughter got married they took a picture with my ex, her mother, and her and I was fine with that. And i was fine with him seeing his daughter without me. 

But I had some comparable life experience in that I'd been divorced and had two of my own kids so emotionally I could understand. He married someone without no baggage (and younger I'm guessing) so she may need some help navigating this. Many of the comments of "suck it up" and "immature" are from posters with comparable life experience so they better understand these things.

However, I did have bigger issues with my ex's priorities and where I fit in where his daughter was concerned. He really failed to do his job to facilitate my inclusion so as she went into adulthood I was never really his priority....it was always placating his ex and daughter. It caused a lot of tension between her and I and was one of the reasons I left him.

My point was that i think this is a bigger issue then pictures and graduation. If OP wishes to divorce his wife then none of it matters. If he doesn't it may be a good idea for him to consider the larger issue of the pecking order of this family, which is what some of us are trying to say. We're suggesting he consider this possibility.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> It has a belligerent time rather than a thoughtful question which I don't appreciate.
> 
> But if that was not your intenti then I retract my response.
> 
> ...


Yes I was just asking a question given you had previously stated you were in this position before. 

Was it a "thoughtful" question? 

It was just a question wanting further insight and I don't see where you would be getting that my tone was "belligerent" because that was not my intent nor can I see how it could be construed that I was. 

However my apologies if you took it this way.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Livvie said:


> Not really. Someone's parents are their parents no matter what their marital status is. Kid should be able to have one picture with his parents. It doesn't have to be a big deal.


Yes really. The kid can have pictures with his parents separately, I speak from my experience and I'm not the only one who feels this way. Being parents of a child doesn't necessitate pictures together.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

SF-FAN said:


> And now she's saying she should be going instead of his brother and sister.


I'm sorry, but that's ridiculous. Again, I'm a stepmum and have no biological children. I would never suggest that in my situation.



Twodecades said:


> I get it hurts to be left out, but IMHO, she needs to be the adult and not aim her upset at your son. *She chose to marry a guy who has kids with his ex-wife. I know that sounds harsh, but it's the bottom line*. As long as you are having good boundaries with your XW and putting your current wife first, once in a great while something like this comes with the territory. If you are reassuring her that she is your #1, you aren't bowing to your XW or her manipulations and simply showing up for your son, and you don't ever put your current wife in the middle (throwing her under the bus or talking negatively about her to XW), current wife has to do her part to deal with her own emotions. Blending families is hard; Perhaps seeing a counselor would help (apologies if you already mentioned that). Again, just my opinion.


That is the single most offensive thing anyone can say to a step parent. Knowing something and living it are very, very different. You can't possibly think of every scenario that could crop up. The same goes for divorced parents - when thinking about ending the marriage, they don't always think far enough ahead, and they don't comprehend the lifelong impact of that decision on everyone around them. If they did, many wouldn't divorce, I've talked to many who agree with this. Had they known what they know now, they would have made different choices. But they couldn't possibly have know that at the time, no one could. *

*Not applicable to abusive/violent/serial cheater marriages, obviously.



lifeistooshort said:


> This isn't really about the graduation.
> 
> I said it before and I'll say it again. I've been in similar positions.....it's much bigger then one event. Its about the pecking order in this family.
> 
> I'd suggest you not get too hung up on this one event and address the bigger issue.


^^This.



sideways said:


> The bigger issue is his wife (based upon what SF has said here on TAM) thinks she should be above his kids and there's a track record of her doing this since she's been in the picture.


Spouses should always come first, always. Childrens needs come first, of course, not their wants (depending on the situation). 

I married a man with a child, we now raise that child together. He is my husband, I am his wife. Our daughters needs for food, shelter, love, security etc. always come before ours, that goes without saying. He occasionally takes her out without me, or even on a short getaway. And why not. Were she to ever tell him that he was welcome but I was not, hell would rain down upon her like she'd never seen in her life. That's the difference.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Your current wife is being too much. If she loves you and accepted you she knew you came with kids so she needs to get down of her high horse, put her nonsense aside and accommodate your kids. Its not like you are going to run of with the ex, your kids have parents and want parents in the photos. If your current wife is causing these issues now, not sure where this marriage will go.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Livvie said:


> Photo isn't all about "intact" or not. Whether someone's biological parents are together in a marriage or not isn't what some photos are about. Nothing will ever change that fact that THOSE are the person's two PARENTS . That will forever be his mom and dad. The photo is about a milestone event and his parents who are there and proud of him.


99% of the kids could care less about tge photos. It is usually the mother wanting the photos. How many times have i looked at my photos with parents from HS grad? College grad? Wedding?....ZERO!

Guys could care less...it is about mom wanting them. I know who my parents are and do not need a photo to remind me of that or the event.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Divinely Favored said:


> 99% of the kids could care less about tge photos. It is usually the mother wanting the photos. How many times have i looked at my photos with parents from HS grad? College grad? Wedding?....ZERO!
> 
> Guys could care less...it is about mom wanting them. I know who my parents are and do not need a photo to remind me of that or the event.


At things like weddings it's more important.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Divinely Favored said:


> 99% of the kids could care less about tge photos. It is usually the mother wanting the photos. How many times have i looked at my photos with parents from HS grad? College grad? Wedding?....ZERO!
> 
> Guys could care less...it is about mom wanting them. I know who my parents are and do not need a photo to remind me of that or the event.


Not true. Now you think you are so "divine" you speak for 99% of all male high school graduates? You don't. You aren't omniscient, can't possibly know they don't want a milestone picture with both their mother and their father, so don't make blanket statements unfounded in fact.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Livvie said:


> Not true. Now you think you are so "divine" you speak for 99% of all male high school graduates? You don't. You aren't omniscient, can't possibly know they don't want a milestone picture with both their mother and their father, so don't make blanket statements unfounded in fact.


I detect some waddage happening...... Why i left a % off. Ask the kids if they want photos. They typically don't have a choice....mom wants them.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> At things like weddings it's more important.


Wedding i can see, parents, wedding party, etc. But for other, it is usually because mom wants the momentos.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Divinely Favored said:


> I detect some waddage happening...... Why i left a % off. Ask the kids if they want photos. They typically don't have a choice....mom wants them.


What is "waddage"? I have never heard that word. 

OP, people are posting on your thread believing they speak for all male high school seniors 🤔. it's entirely possible your child wants a graduation photo with his two parents. Ask him.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Divinely Favored said:


> I detect some waddage happening...... Why i left a % off. Ask the kids if they want photos. They typically don't have a choice....mom wants them.


I’m going to disagree. Both my grown children love old photos. They complain there are not enough of them. 🤷🏼‍♀️


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Divinely Favored said:


> Wedding i can see, parents, wedding party, etc. But for other, it is usually because mom wants the momentos.


Well thats not a bad thing is it?


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Torninhalf said:


> I’m going to disagree. Both my grown children love old photos. They complain there are not enough of them. 🤷🏼‍♀️


Some men care a lot about pictures. My husband has always loved photos! I have his photo albums full of pictures when he was a teenager. We have pictures of his old girlfriends! We have so many prints it drives me crazy! 

If something happens to either parent (God forbid) they will appreciate those special moments captured in pictures.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

The graduation situation seems to be behind us. She's understanding she can't go but now we're back to the picture issue. I told her I'm doing what my son wants because it's his graduation and she said I should talk to him before hand and say we shouldn't take pics together because my wife and his mom's spouse won't be there. 

Because it will be me, his mom, 2 siblings and his grandmother going (not together) she said that if we take a picture together it will look bad and like if we're still a family so if it does happen she already said she's not talking to me or sleeping with me in the same bed. Really looking forward to this graduation.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

SF-FAN said:


> The graduation situation seems to be behind us. She's understanding she can't go but now we're back to the picture issue. I told her I'm doing what my son wants because it's his graduation and she said I should talk to him before hand and say we shouldn't take pics together because my wife and his mom's spouse won't be there.
> 
> Because it will be me, his mom, 2 siblings and his grandmother going (not together) she said that if we take a picture together it will look bad and like if we're still a family so if it does happen she already said she's not talking to me or sleeping with me in the same bed. Really looking forward to this graduation.


Wow. So if YOUR CHILD takes a picture with his family who are at his high school graduation, your wife isn't going to talk to you or sleep in the same bed? 

What a piece of work. 

Have you put a condition of the continuation of the marriage contingent upon marriage counseling? Because announcing she's going to give you the silent treatment and refuse to sleep in the same bed as you gives you a concrete heads up about her dysfunctional conflict resolution skills and the punishment she plans to dish out to you and it should not be acceptable.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

This is who she was two years ago and this is who she still is and this is very likely who she will be going forward.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

How about if you take a group pic and then have the ex take a group pic. That way you both get a pic with the kid and you and the ex won't be in the same pic.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> Well thats not a bad thing is it?


Not at all, i did it for my mom also. Her memories of my accomplishments. The moms just make out like all kids want the photos. Just saying that most boys could care less.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Livvie said:


> What is "waddage"? I have never heard that word.
> 
> OP, people are posting on your thread believing they speak for all male high school seniors 🤔. it's entirely possible your child wants a graduation photo with his two parents. Ask him.


Was referring to your personal snarky attitude above that someone had their panties in a wad.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

My parents divorced when I was in my late teens.

I graduated high school and college, got married, had kids, etc.

I have zero pictures of myself with both parents and I could care less. 

I do have pictures of myself with each one separately and those mean a lot to me, especially now that they're both gone.

My relationships with them had zero to do with projecting some phony family image. We were all connected in this life but we weren't a nuclear family.

I truly don't understand this idea that a kid needs pictures of a non existent nuclear family, but I was never big on phony images. Hell, even if I had pics of myself with both all I'd think about is how much they couldn't stand each other and it would taint the picture anyway. The ones with each of them are happy memories.

But clearly others see this differently.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

No matter what moms say about their kids now....at HS age, most boys could give a crap about photos. They do it for mom, because it is expected. There are always exceptions, that is why i said most boys.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Divinely Favored said:


> No matter what moms say about their kids now....at HS age, most boys could give a crap about photos. They do it for mom, because it is expected. There are always exceptions, that is why i said most boys.


And again, you are stating that like it's fact and you have no way of knowing that. It's not fact.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Divinely Favored said:


> No matter what moms say about their kids now....at HS age, most boys could give a crap about photos. They do it for mom, because it is expected. There are always exceptions, that is why i said most boys.


My 20 and 17 year old boys could absolutely care less. They put up with pics for me.

My 17 year old is graduating this weekend and while I plan to pull rank and get pictures with him his dad, who will not only be there with his gf but will probably sit by bf and I, will not be in them. He can get his own pictures with his kids and it would never occur to any of us that we should all be in one. I certainly can't imagine upsetting a partner over it.

I'm curious how many posters here actually have experience with this. I don't mean that to be snarky, I'm curious as to whether opinions are uniform among those with experience and those without.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

My grandchildren’s parents have been divorced for many years and have taken separate pictures for all of their graduations. That’s just how it’s been.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm curious how many posters here actually have experience with this. I don't mean that to be snarky, I'm curious as to whether opinions are uniform among those with experience and those without.


After my daughter's college graduation ceremony, my ex-husband and I took photos for the other with our devices as we each stood with her, and that was that. 

We also didn't sit together and didn't communicate prior to arriving.

Days before, I had asked my daughter if she wanted to go out to eat afterwards, and, just out of courtesy, I told her that her dad was welcome to come, if he wanted to. He declined, and she and I enjoyed our time together.

None of it was a problem, and no one had an attitude.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> My 20 and 17 year old boys could absolutely care less. They put up with pics for me.
> 
> My 17 year old is graduating this weekend and while I plan to pull rank and get pictures with him his dad, who will not only be there with his gf but will probably sit by bf and I, will not be in them. He can get his own pictures with his kids and it would never occur to any of us that we should all be in one. I certainly can't imagine upsetting a partner over it.
> 
> I'm curious how many posters here actually have experience with this. I don't mean that to be snarky, I'm curious as to whether opinions are uniform among those with experience and those without.


My son wanted a couple of graduation pics with both of his bio parents. No one thought it was strange or untoward. We're his parents. It doesn't mean we're together. It took 3 seconds.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Livvie said:


> My son wanted a couple of graduation pics with both of his bio parents. No one thought it was strange or untoward. We're his parents. It doesn't mean we're together. It took 3 seconds.


I guess if my son asked it would be fine, but there's no boundary issues with myself and their dad.

This is why I've said that I don't think this is really about the pictures. It's about the pecking order in the family and the ex's queen bee syndrome 

Remember that he's not said that his ex is ambivalent and his son asked. He's specifically said that his ex is the one making the stink, not his son.

That tells me there are boundary issues with the ex in general. He can certainly tell his wife to get bent and take pictures and come back here to whine about how she won't sleep with him, and I'm sure he'll be told how terrible his wife is. 

Maybe it is the right thing to do to get some pictures. I wouldn't do it personally if it was even going to upset my ex's gf, but I don't have queen bee syndrome. He needs to deal with the need to placate his ex.

He claims he doesn't care but in the sane breath goes on about what she'll tell the kids and what she says about this or that, so clearly he does care.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

lifeistooshort said:


> My 20 and 17 year old boys could absolutely care less. They put up with pics for me.
> 
> My 17 year old is graduating this weekend and while I plan to pull rank and get pictures with him his dad, who will not only be there with his gf but will probably sit by bf and I, will not be in them. He can get his own pictures with his kids and it would never occur to any of us that we should all be in one. I certainly can't imagine upsetting a partner over it.
> 
> I'm curious how many posters here actually have experience with this. I don't mean that to be snarky, I'm curious as to whether opinions are uniform among those with experience and those without.


But the child (he could be an 18 year old adult!) has said who he wants at his high school ceremony. 

If the child wants pictures, how are they going to manage the situation? Like I said, my husband has always liked pictures. I'm glad my mil is so chill we have gotten together for special holidays with my fil and a few of his ex wives and current wife without any issues because they all understood it wasn't about them. 

At the end, if the pictures are not a big deal then why is it so hard to pose together in one of them? Is a picture so life altering a wife would separate and would not speak to her husband? I think this is so immature and ridiculous!


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

What I mean when I say "I don't care" is that I don't care whether we take pics together or not. I have zero issues one way or the other. It seems to be the exW and new wife that are on opposite views of the situation. It's a damn pic so if it happens I DON'T CARE and if it doesn't I DON'T CARE. 

My exW had an issue with us not taking pics together last time but I am hoping she saw that I am establishing boundaries (whether she likes it or not) and it won't be an issue this time and she won't even ask. *I believe it is related to control and not so much the actual picture on both sides.* For the most part I have been available when the exW calls or texts about the kids and now that I've made myself less available (I don't carry my phone with me as much anymore) her tone is more cold and I think she sees I'm not at her beck and call. 

With that said, I don't want to be at war with her because we will need to speak about things relating to the kids at certain times so it's best to keep it civil and not be barking at each other or feel awkward at kids' events.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

SF-FAN said:


> What I mean when I say "I don't care" is that I don't care whether we take pics together or not. I have zero issues one way or the other. It seems to be the exW and new wife that are on opposite views of the situation. It's a damn pic so if it happens I DON'T CARE and if it doesn't I DON'T CARE.
> 
> My exW had an issue with us not taking pics together last time but I am hoping she saw that I am establishing boundaries (whether she likes it or not) and it won't be an issue this time and she won't even ask. *I believe it is related to control and not so much the actual picture on both sides.* For the most part I have been available when the exW calls or texts about the kids and now that I've made myself less available (I don't carry my phone with me as much anymore) her tone is more cold and I think she sees I'm not at her beck and call.
> 
> *With that said, I don't want to be at war with her because we will need to speak about things relating to the kids at certain times so it's best to keep it civil and not be barking at each other or feel awkward at kids' events.*


There you go - trying to manage your relationship with her when you don't have one. How the ex chooses to behave is on her. How you choose to behave is on you. You don't have to bark back if she does. Let her look foolish.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> There you go - trying to manage your relationship with her when you don't have one. How the ex chooses to behave is on her. How you choose to behave is on you. You don't have to bark back if she does. Let her look foolish.


I have to manage it. I can't just be uncivil or have a bad relationship with the exW. It'll trickle into my marriage and the time I spend with my kids. She'll try to corrode the relationship I have with them. So while I don't have to bend over backwards for her, I do have to keep it somewhat civil and acquiesce to certain things to keep the peace.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

SF-FAN said:


> I have to manage it. I can't just be uncivil or have a bad relationship with the exW. It'll trickle into my marriage and the time I spend with my kids. She'll try to corrode the relationship I have with them. So while I don't have to bend over backwards for her, I do have to keep it somewhat civil and acquiesce to certain things to keep the peace.


Nope. Your x only has control if you allow it.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

SF-FAN said:


> I have to manage it. I can't just be uncivil or have a bad relationship with the exW. It'll trickle into my marriage and the time I spend with my kids. She'll try to corrode the relationship I have with them. So while I don't have to bend over backwards for her, I do have to keep it somewhat civil and acquiesce to certain things to keep the peace.


No you don't. You should be civil on your end but you don't have to acquiesce to keep the peace. How your ex chooses to behave is on her.

This is your issue, not a picture. To you it's a picture...to your wife it's you acquiescing to placate your ex, and you're pissed off that your wife doesn't want to keep placating her.

If your position is that you have to kiss your ex's ass to keep her from interfering with your relationship with your kids you're not good marriage material. I understand you're frustrated, but this will cause you problems with a lot of women beyond your wife.


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## azimuth (May 15, 2018)

lifeistooshort said:


> My 20 and 17 year old boys could absolutely care less. They put up with pics for me.
> 
> My 17 year old is graduating this weekend and while I plan to pull rank and get pictures with him his dad, who will not only be there with his gf but will probably sit by bf and I, will not be in them. He can get his own pictures with his kids and it would never occur to any of us that we should all be in one. I certainly can't imagine upsetting a partner over it.
> 
> I'm curious how many posters here actually have experience with this. I don't mean that to be snarky, I'm curious as to whether opinions are uniform among those with experience and those without.



I have a child with an ex and I personally don't want to be in a picture with him, so I wouldn't do because _I_ choose not to. It's my boundary. I certainly wouldn't do a favor for an ex who cheated. My daughter wouldn't even think to ask for it honestly.

OP I think you need to set some boundaries, your ex and your almost adult child don't seem to respect your choices. You married your wife. So no matter how much you complain about her now, you are the one who married her. When you're married you pretty much have to be on the same side. When you marry someone it goes without saying that their wishes and opinions should be taken seriously. My daughter wouldn't try to recreate a weird fairy tale with both her parents in the same picture. I wouldn't encourage it and it's not healthy to encourage it, imo.

Your ex was completely out of line for saying that your wife has insecurities. Your ex isn't allowed to have an opinion. She's in no position to judge others. She's saying your wife is damaging the relationship between you and your children, when the ex is the one who did the most damage to everyone overall. She's deflecting.

I think this comes down to guilt. Your ex is guilty about nuking the family and trying to alleviate some of that guilt. Taking a fake family photo will make her feel good and delude herself that she didn't do as much damage as she did.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

In trying to please everyone you please no one.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

This dynamic existed among the three of you before you remarried. Why did you think it would get better?


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> No you don't. You should be civil on your end but you don't have to acquiesce to keep the peace. How your ex chooses to behave is on her.
> 
> This is your issue, not a picture. To you it's a picture...to your wife it's you acquiescing to placate your ex, and you're pissed off that your wife doesn't want to keep placating her.
> 
> If your position is that you have to kiss your ex's ass to keep her from interfering with your relationship with your kids you're not good marriage material. I understand you're frustrated, but this will cause you problems with a lot of women beyond your wife.


You make valid points however you are coming at it from your point of view in how you were treated so your opinion is a bit biased, though not wrong, but almost one-sided. Of course I have to be on my wife's side but not if I think she's being unreasonable. I have boundaries with the exW but my wife came into this marriage with a mindset that it was just us and that's not the case. Unfortunately I have to co-parent with the exW and communicate with her and we do have to see her at events. I'm ok with it. We say hello (sometimes, not all) and sit apart. But my wife doesn't even like that she goes to the kids' games. That's wrong in my opinion and I cannot be on my wife's side about.



azimuth said:


> I have a child with an ex and I personally don't want to be in a picture with him, so I wouldn't do because _I_ choose not to. It's my boundary. I certainly wouldn't do a favor for an ex who cheated. My daughter wouldn't even think to ask for it honestly.
> 
> OP I think you need to set some boundaries, your ex and your almost adult child don't seem to respect your choices. You married your wife. So no matter how much you complain about her now, you are the one who married her. When you're married you pretty much have to be on the same side. When you marry someone it goes without saying that their wishes and opinions should be taken seriously. My daughter wouldn't try to recreate a weird fairy tale with both her parents in the same picture. I wouldn't encourage it and it's not healthy to encourage it, imo.
> 
> ...


In a way it is my fault for allowing the family pics to occur because I was single for a long time and we did take pics together at the kids' special events. Even after I started dating my now wife we took pics together but only at the kids' special events and not "together" but on either side of my kid. So now all of a sudden it's no ok to which makes it seem like my wife has the issue with it, which she does and looks bad. You're talking about once or twice a year, if that. That's why I don't care.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

Openminded said:


> This dynamic existed among the three of you before you remarried. Why did you think it would get better?


I thought either my exW would stop caring about petty things and I thought my wife would mature and stop feeling threatened. I see ex couples that are friends and actually hang out together. That is definitely not what I want but taking pics only at special events is not a big deal to me.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

SF-FAN said:


> The graduation situation seems to be behind us. She's understanding she can't go but now we're back to the picture issue. I told her I'm doing what my son wants because it's his graduation and she said I should talk to him before hand and say we shouldn't take pics together because my wife and his mom's spouse won't be there.
> 
> Because it will be me, his mom, 2 siblings and his grandmother going (not together) she said that if we take a picture together it will look bad and like if we're still a family so if it does happen she already said she's not talking to me or sleeping with me in the same bed. Really looking forward to this graduation.


Good grief, that's so manipulative.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> Good grief, that's so manipulative.


Immature and asinine is what it is.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Torninhalf said:


> Immature and asinine is what it is.


Incredibly immature and over a photograph. Honestly why does it matter.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

SF-FAN said:


> I thought either my exW would stop caring about petty things and I thought my wife would mature and stop feeling threatened. I see ex couples that are friends and actually hang out together. That is definitely not what I want but taking pics only at special events is not a big deal to me.


That was very optimistic thinking. I felt it would turn out the way it has (with you continuing to be in the middle). And unfortunately I think the future will be more of the the same. The special events never really stop.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You keep saying it isn't a big deal to you. This is not about you. It's about your CURRENT wife finding it offensive that her husband still wants to placate the woman who couldn't keep her legs closed and portray happy family at special events to be memorialized by the happy family pic.

Should your current wife tire of beating her head against the wall and takes a hike, will it be a big deal to you?

You say your wife is immature. Maybe, you should have picked one who had her braces off. As it is, you look like grandpa to your youngest child.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Your wife is a baby.

Sounds like she already had issues with your kids before you married her.

She has an issue with your sons grandmother going to his graduation instead of her (despite this being what HE wants and it's HIS graduation)?

Now she's threatening you again if you take a pic with your ex wife at your sons graduation that she's not sleeping with you in the same bed??

This is NO different than a toddler throwing themselves down on the ground at the grocery store and having a tantrum.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> You keep saying it isn't a big deal to you. This is not about you. It's about your CURRENT wife finding it offensive that her husband still wants to placate the woman who couldn't keep her legs closed and portray happy family at special events to be memorialized by the happy family pic.
> 
> Should your current wife tire of beating her head against the wall and takes a hike, will it be a big deal to you?
> 
> You say your wife is immature. Maybe, you should have picked one who had her braces off. *As it is, you look like grandpa to your youngest child.*


This is not all my wife's fault but it is immature. The picture is one thing but to not want the kids' mom to go to their events is pretty immature. She knew I had kids from a previous, she knew their mom was in the picture and later has issues with it.

I have friends with new spouses that get along great with their exes and their new spouses and hang out together, vacation together, etc. I'm not asking for that nor do I want that, all I'm asking for is maturity in certain situations. It's called growing up and being an adult because you're part of a blended family. It's about the kids ALWAYS not about the exW or the new wife. 

Funny thing is I look way younger than my age and go well with my wife and new baby so not sure what that comment was even about.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

SF-FAN: dude... just do what you think is correct and forget about trying to please everyone. Take your stance, that's it, period.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

Rob_1 said:


> SF-FAN: dude... just do what you think is correct and forget about trying to please everyone. Take your stance, that's it, period.


My plan is to take pictures with only my son (and my other kids) without their mom but my fear is that she will make me look like the bad guy if I don't join them in a pic because at that moment I will look like the bad guy to my kids. 

However, I am hoping and praying she just takes pics with the kids and her mom and doesn't mention anything about pics with me in them. Fingers crosses.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

SF-FAN said:


> My plan is to take pictures with only my son (and my other kids) without their mom but my fear is that she will make me look like the bad guy if I don't join them in a pic because at that moment I will look like the bad guy to my kids.
> 
> However, I am hoping and praying she just takes pics with the kids and her mom and doesn't mention anything about pics with me in them. Fingers crosses.


Good plan.

But you're still still worried about your ex's reaction.....so you still care what she thinks, and her potential reactions hold sway over your decisions.

This is what some of us are trying to tell you is problematic.

Who. Cares. What. Your. EX. Wife.Thinks?

Just the fact that she's so invested in this tells me she's problematic.

Its one thing if your SON asks and your ex is ambivalent.

It's quite another if your ex makes a stink about looking like a nuclear family.

It's probably true that I'm somewhat projecting here but I understand why your wife doesn't like this. I'm not saying she's handling it as well as she could but this is problematic as long as you're still worried about your ex's reactions.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

SF-FAN said:


> This is not all my wife's fault but it is immature. The picture is one thing but to not want the kids' mom to go to their events is pretty immature. She knew I had kids from a previous, she knew their mom was in the picture and later has issues with it.


So your wife has to understand that SHE has no control over what your exW does and YOU have no control over what your exW does. You control YOU. If you exW goes to an event, then she goes. YOU can control how you interact with her, what you do, etc., but your wife needs to get over that.

BUT as Blondi said, this is about how your WIFE feels and that she is playing second fiddle to the desires of your exW.
From the sound of it SHE feels that YOU are prioritizing your exW over her (even if YOU don't feel that way).
She wants reassurance that you put her concerns first.

Why can't you just have separate pics taken - you and son, then mother and son, and leave it at that? I really don't see a reason to have a "complete" pic taken as that is NOT your family now. If your exW doesn't like it, too bad. She cheated -- nothing about her concerns should affect you.


ETA:
"she will make me look like the bad guy if I don't join them in a pic because at that moment I will look like the bad guy to my kids. "
How can she do that? You simply explain to the kids that she is not your wife, she lost the privilege of having pics with you and her together. I presume the kids know that she cheated, yes? You won't look like the bad guy.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

SF-FAN said:


> My plan is to take pictures with only my son (and my other kids) without their mom but my fear is that she will make me look like the bad guy if I don't join them in a pic because at that moment I will look like the bad guy to my kids.
> 
> However, I am hoping and praying she just takes pics with the kids and her mom and doesn't mention anything about pics with me in them. Fingers crosses.


It's madness that you are having to live in fear of what your wife says.
I think you desperately need MC to sort this out.
I couldn't care less if my husband and his former wife (who also cheated btw) had a photo taken together with one of their children. I can't understand her anger.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> It's madness that you are having to live in fear of what your wife says.
> I think you desperately need MC to sort this out.
> I couldn't care less if my husband and his former wife (who also cheated btw) had a photo taken together with one of their children. I can't understand her anger.


Looks to me like he's actually living in fear of what the ex will do.

That post didn't even mention his current wife....only his ex.

Unless I missed something.


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## Twodecades (Apr 4, 2021)

Perhaps he's trying to avoid XW making a scene on his son's special day or upsetting/poisoning the other kids? I haven't been in his situation (only observed it with friends and family), but from an outside perspective, it seems like it isn't black and white. It seems there is room for growth in each party involved.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Looks to me like he's actually living in fear of what the ex will do.
> 
> That post didn't even mention his current wife....only his ex.
> 
> Unless I missed something.


I think he's fearful the ex will ask him to join a picture because if he does, that will lead to his wife ceasing speaking to him, as she already threatened. If he's in a picture with their kids and her, she's going to stop talking to him and sleeping in the same bedroom as him.

I can understand the guy not wanting to make a scene at graduation about how he can't be in a picture.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> Looks to me like he's actually living in fear of what the ex will do.
> 
> That post didn't even mention his current wife....only his ex.
> 
> Unless I missed something.


Due to what his wife would do or say.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Livvie said:


> I think he's fearful the ex will ask him to join a picture because if he does, that will lead to his wife ceasing speaking to him, as she already threatened. If he's in a picture with their kids and her, she's going to stop talking to him and sleeping in the same bedroom as him.
> 
> I can understand the guy not wanting to make a scene at graduation about how he can't be in a picture.


But he's also fearful his ex will make a scene, and that has nothing to do with his wife.

He hasn't said that he's worried his son will want a picture with both of them...that I would understand. He's worried about his ex's reaction.

Why is it OK for the ex to make a stink but the wife is supposed to suck it up?

This is where I'm struggling.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> Due to what his wife would do or say.


I disagree.

As I posted above, he's not said he's worried his son will ask and his wife will get upset.

He's worried about the ex's reaction.

Why is the wife supposed to suck it up but the ex must be placated?


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

I agree that most teens probably don’t care about having a photo with mom and dad both in it, but they would probably care and be majorly embarrassed if one parent “caused a scene” at their senior sports event by requesting a separate photo instead of just taking it together like all of the other parents. Teens don’t like to have attention drawn to anything that is different.

Graduation is way different though. Those aren’t photos taken in front of the crowd while everyone watches and claps. My oldest graduated last year (we were lucky to even have an in person graduation) and we did take pics of him and her, me and her, and all three of us together. Nothing fake happy intact family about them, but really unnecessary in hindsight. If you didn’t do them it won’t ruin memories or cause life-ending humiliation either.

If my XH had said “no, I’m good” to the group photo? Yes, I would initially assume it was a directive from the new wife. My XH tried to play both sides for the longest time and it basically pitted me needlessly against the new wife, when in fact it was HIM that was the issue. I would’ve taken his refusal of the photos as him finally taking a stand, which is a good thing. Would I be mad? Maybe? But who cares? I am not sure what power you think your ex wife has over your life. I can’t sway how my kids feel about their dad or their step mom. Any attempt to do so would make me like the bad guy to them. I know that if he had said no to the photo and I pushed back that my child would be irritated with me, not him, and I would hear a big ole “MOM stop!”


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> It's madness that you are having to live in fear of what your wife says.
> I think you desperately need MC to sort this out.
> I couldn't care less if my husband and his former wife (who also cheated btw) had a photo taken together with one of their children. I can't understand her anger.





lifeistooshort said:


> I disagree.
> 
> As I posted above, he's not said he's worried his son will ask and his wife will get upset.
> 
> ...


I'm worried about my wife as well. Because it seems like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I really don't care if my exW does get mad, BUT she does have the power to control things that have to do with my kids. For example, we have a vacation coming up next week. The kids are all going BUT if she wants to be a complete ***** she can be and not let my youngest one go because it is out of the country. Will she keep him from going? Probably not but when she wants to be a ***** she can be so that is my fear. Otherwise I could care less what she thinks.

I'm more concerned with my wife getting mad at me for not "fighting" to not take the pic. That's who I have to live with.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

Bluesclues said:


> I agree that most teens probably don’t care about having a photo with mom and dad both in it, but they would probably care and be majorly embarrassed if one parent “caused a scene” at their senior sports event by requesting a separate photo instead of just taking it together like all of the other parents. Teens don’t like to have attention drawn to anything that is different.
> 
> Graduation is way different though. Those aren’t photos taken in front of the crowd while everyone watches and claps. My oldest graduated last year (we were lucky to even have an in person graduation) and we did take pics of him and her, me and her, and all three of us together. Nothing fake happy intact family about them, but really unnecessary in hindsight. If you didn’t do them it won’t ruin memories or cause life-ending humiliation either.
> 
> *If my XH had said “no, I’m good” to the group photo? Yes, I would initially assume it was a directive from the new wife. My XH tried to play both sides for the longest time and it basically pitted me needlessly against the new wife, when in fact it was HIM that was the issue. I would’ve taken his refusal of the photos as him finally taking a stand, which is a good thing. Would I be mad? Maybe? But who cares? I am not sure what power you think your ex wife has over your life. I can’t sway how my kids feel about their dad or their step mom. Any attempt to do so would make me like the bad guy to them. I know that if he had said no to the photo and I pushed back that my child would be irritated with me, not him, and I would hear a big ole “MOM stop!”*


BINGO, you basically hit the nail on the head and are actually coming at the situation from how my exW is acting. Except I don't know if she'd think it was a good thing I was finally taking a stand. She would likely be mad and though I could care less, I feel there'd be residual effects down the line, whether it be in the short term or long term.

I'm hoping that even though she sent me a text last time, she saw it as me no longer wanting to take pics together and it won't even come up today but I honestly don't know if that will happen or if she'll try to push back harder to take a pic together.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> I disagree.
> 
> As I posted above, he's not said he's worried his son will ask and his wife will get upset.
> 
> ...


He is worried about what his ex will want because of how his wife will react. If he had a wife who understood that marrying someone with children will inevitably lead to this sort of thing he wouldn't be worried at all.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

SF-FAN said:


> I'm worried about my wife as well. Because it seems like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I really don't care if my exW does get mad, BUT she does have the power to control things that have to do with my kids. For example, we have a vacation coming up next week. The kids are all going BUT if she wants to be a complete *** she can be and not let my youngest one go because it is out of the country. Will she keep him from going? Probably not but when she wants to be a *** she can be so that is my fear. Otherwise I could care less what she thinks.
> 
> I'm more concerned with my wife getting mad at me for not "fighting" to not take the pic. That's who I have to live with.


So you are very much caught in the middle of two thoughtless and warring women.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Yep...perhaps his next 2...or 3 marriages will fair better 


ETA: Your picker is broke.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> He is worried about what his ex will want because of how his wife will react. If he had a wife who understood that marrying someone with children will inevitably lead to this sort of thing he wouldn't be worried at all.


We'll have to agree to disagree on this.

You think the onus is on his wife to help placate the ex.

I think placating the ex is terrible for his marriage and frankly for him too because he allows her to throw tantrums and manipulate him.

If he were here saying his son wanted joint pictures I'd still think it was unnecessary but I'd understand if he wanted to do it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> We'll have to agree to disagree on this.
> 
> You think the onus is on his wife to help placate the ex.
> 
> ...


As I see it the issue is that she should never have married a man who had been married before with children. She can't seem to deal with it and he knew this before they married.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> We'll have to agree to disagree on this.
> 
> You think the onus is on his wife to help placate the ex.
> 
> ...


Love ya but...I think you’re projecting.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Elizabeth001 said:


> Love ya but...I think you’re projecting.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


Aww, love you too.

And I probably am projecting, but I also think I can speak for his wife’s side. Remember that she's not here to speak for herself.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> Aww, love you too.
> 
> And I probably am projecting, but I also think I can speak for his wife’s side. Remember that she's not here to speak for herself.


True. But she was a difficult faience. We do have some backstory in this case.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

I’m about done in for tonight but in closing, my old ass is seeing this as a clear case (think Judge Judy) of someone who did not fully process & move forward from the previous marriage. He rebounded and ran right back to the same repeat. What is the definition of insanity 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Elizabeth001 said:


> Yep...perhaps his next 2...or 3 marriages will fair better
> 
> 
> ETA: Your picker is broke.


QFT


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Elizabeth001 said:


> True. But she was a difficult faience. We do have some backstory in this case.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


Fair enough. I'll assume that's true and she's difficult in which case he should've married a grown up and not someone half his age (don't know if she's actually half but she's clearly a lot younger).

But I also see signs that he allows his ex to dictate his reactions. He is still invested in how she might react and placates her accordingly. If we forget about his wife that's not good for him and will likely cause him trouble with a lot of women.

A more mature woman might not care if he takes pictures...I personally would not have a meltdown over that. In fact, my ex did take a picture with his daughter and his ex at daughter's wedding and I was fine with that. I jusy wasn't fine with his boundaries I'm general.

I think it's important to keep these two things separate. It is quite plausible that his wife is behaving poorly and he placate his ex.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Wife had issues with his kids BEFORE they were married. 

In wife's crazy mind she should be at the graduation instead of his sons grandmother despite it being his decision and it's HIS graduation for crying out loud. 

It's your sons day. Do what he wants. If your son wants you in the pic take the pic. Your wife is showing how selfish she is. This is NOT about his ex wife nor his wife....it's about his son and his special day and it sounds like your wife has her own selfish agenda. 

If you don't do what SHE WANTS well don't expect to be sleeping in the same bed.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

Elizabeth001 said:


> I’m about done in for tonight but in closing, my old ass is seeing this as a clear case (think Judge Judy) of someone who did not fully process & move forward from the previous marriage. He rebounded and ran right back to the same repeat. What is the definition of insanity
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


Just to clarify, this was in no way a rebound. I was single for over 2 years and didn't date anyone seriously after my D so that I could process the D and be emotionally ready. On my side, my kids did not meet anyone, not even my wife, until after we were dating for a few months. I didn't want to introduce them to anyone until I knew it was the right time. I got over the D way before I got into this marriage which seems to be a double edge sword because during my single time I made it appear to my exW that I was available for the kids, and as an extension, to her anytime. 

Also, other than my wife being insecure and immature (at times), she's the total opposite of my exW. My current wife is actually a good wife when it comes to being a wife. She takes care of the household and is a really good mom. She's never gave me a reason to not trust her, everything is transparent. The marriage itself is great, the hot button issue is the exW.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

So the graduation happened Friday. It was only me, my younger son, daughter, exW and their grandma. We didn't sit together but we were in close proximity because they got their first and saved an area. ExW and I were on opposite sides about 10 yrds or so apart. After the ceremony they got down to the field and waited for me so we could find my son. Once we found him it was picture time. My kids got together with their mom, their aunt (that got there after the ceremony when others were allowed in) asked if I was getting in the picture. I said go ahead and I'll get in afterwards. So she took their pic told their mom to get out and I got in and took our pic. We then took separate pics with my son that graduated. So no pics with the exW.

Afterwards we just all talked a little and then left. The exW did not talk to me. She gave me the same vibe as after the senior night when I didn't take a pic with her and my son. I don't know if she was upset and I don't know if it bothered her but she didn't say anything to me.

Now this is where I am kind of mad at myself. Why do I care if it upset her or not? I don't have any feelings for her in any way shape or form. If I was single again I would have no feelings or intentions on getting back to her. I don't wish anything bad on her but I wish I didn't have to deal with her period. So..why do I care if my exW and I are on good terms or not? How do I stop feeling like that?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Very simple, start focusing your thoughts on your wife and something to do to have more fun with her.
And it’s actually ok to just smile at your ex wife’s displeasure and move on to more productive thoughts. Too bad you’re not at total indifference to her, as she deserves.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

Evinrude58 said:


> Very simple, start focusing your thoughts on your wife and something to do to have more fun with her.
> And it’s actually ok to just smile at your ex wife’s displeasure and move on to more productive thoughts. Too bad you’re not at total indifference to her, as she deserves.


I'd like to be at a total indifference but at times I actually feel bad for her. I'd love to have total indifference to her. Part of me, for a split second, was happy I took a stand Friday but it only lasted a second.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Because you’re still a “nice guy” where she’s concerned. For whatever reason you haven’t reached the point of indifference with her.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

Openminded said:


> Because you’re still a “nice guy” where she’s concerned. For whatever reason you haven’t reached the point of indifference with her.


I don't know why I haven't. I am a nice guy but that's me. I'm like that with everyone. I tend to feel bad or guilt when I am rude to someone and usually apologize.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

Evinrude58 said:


> Very simple, start focusing your thoughts on your wife and something to do to have more fun with her.
> And it’s actually ok to just smile at your ex wife’s displeasure *and move on to more productive thoughts*. Too bad you’re not at total indifference to her, as she deserves.


If I do something to displease my exW my thoughts immediately go to "what is she going to do to retaliate." She's not vindictive but she can be a *****.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

SF-FAN said:


> If I do something to displease my exW my thoughts immediately go to "what is she going to do to retaliate." *She's not vindictive but she can be a *.*


If she retaliates, she is vindictive.

You don't want to displease her because you are conflict avoidant. Your mantra is "geez, can't we all just get along". Yes, you can all get along as long as current wife doesn't do anything to upset your or your ex's apple cart. Then your wife is insecure, immature and difficult.

Why in the world do you feel bad for your ex?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> You don't want to displease her because you are conflict avoidant.


Seems that way and probably more. If he continues being this way eventually, most likely there will be 2 Exs.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> If she retaliates, she is vindictive.
> 
> You don't want to displease her because you are conflict avoidant. Your mantra is "geez, can't we all just get along". Yes, you can all get along as long as current wife doesn't do anything to upset your or your ex's apple cart. Then your wife is insecure, immature and difficult.
> 
> *Why in the world do you feel bad for your ex?*


That's what I am trying to figure out. It doesn't just pertain to her, I feel that way towards anyone that I feel I've wronged. It's like I don't feel at peace knowing I've wronged someone or made someone feel bad. I don't know why but I wish I could do away with that way of thinking.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

Rob_1 said:


> Seems that way and probably more. If he continues being this way eventually, most likely there will be 2 Exs.


I am conflict avoidant because then conflict leads to problems every time you see that person. In my case it'll be every time I see the exW at the kids' events which will be awkward and annoying.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

SF-FAN said:


> That's what I am trying to figure out. It doesn't just pertain to her, I feel that way towards anyone that I feel I've wronged. It's like I don't feel at peace knowing I've wronged someone or made someone feel bad. I don't know why but I wish I could do away with that way of thinking.


Look up 'people pleaser'.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

SF-FAN said:


> If I do something to displease my exW my thoughts immediately go to "what is she going to do to retaliate." She's not vindictive but she can be a ***.


When your ex throws a fit and you react to it, you are rewarding her bad behavior. When you ignore her actions, good or bad, she'll stop manipulating you. 

It's the same thing you do with a toddler, when the child has a fit, you ignore it and walk away. Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better. It's all about behavior modification. 

She hasn't learned she has no saying in your life and your actions anymore. You have to teach her to leave you and your decisions alone. 

If I were you, I would do a 180 on her until she backs off. Go to the trip and come back ready to ignore her completely. Who cares how she'll react. Ignore her until she'll need you to help her with something related to the children. 

You can't live in fear anymore.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Wait a second, isn't this the wife who cheated on you and blew up your kids world, and you feel bad for her??? 

All I can is WOW!!


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

sideways said:


> Wait a second, isn't this the wife who cheated on you and blew up your kids world, and you feel bad for her???
> 
> All I can is WOW!!


Tell me about it. I have no clue why I feel that way. For example, we are going on vacation and I'm taking the kids and part of me feels bad she is going to miss out. Not that I want her there but she's going to miss out being with the kids on a vacation. I don't get it. I have no clue why I feel bad for people that have wronged me. Trust me, I wish I was cold-hearted and didn't care.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You need some help with that.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Why do you think you would have to be "cold-hearted"?

Just be indifferent. 

I heard this analogy years ago and it might help you. Look at your life like a bus and you're the bus driver. People are going to get on your bus (enter your life) while others are going to get off the bus (leave your life).

You can't control who wants to stay on the bus/your life and who wants to get off the bus/leave your life. Your job is to drive the bus looking forward (not back). 

Someone wants off, you stop the bus, open the door, let them exit, without saying a word, than you close the door and continue along your journey. 

Your wife got off your bus when she made a choice to cheat on you. Now you have someone else who got on your bus (your new wife).

Be the best bus driver that you can. When people get off your bus you're going to drive yourself crazy wondering why, or what they're doing, where they're going, are they happy, or sad, or mad at you, or bitter, etc etc....press forward and be grateful and a good steward of the people that are on your bus now.

All you can control is you and what you're doing and that's driving your bus. Do you think a bus driver gets upset when a passenger gets off? Nor do they get elated when someone gets on the bus. They (the bus driver) is doing what makes them happy (driving the bus) and if people want to come along for the ride great. If not no biggie.

SF.... drive your bus. Life is WAY too short to get bent out of shape about things that in the grand scheme of life don't mean Jack S!^T!! 

There's other things that will come your way that will keep you awake at night or blindside you when you least expect it. Why waste precious time worrying about trivial things (and your wife getting upset about a photo or ANYTHING else), I mean come on, who cares?? Let her be upset.

You get to choose what you focus on. 

Sounds like you've given the control to your thermostat to your ex. She controls if things are too cold or too hot in your life. Would you let a stranger control your thermostat? Heck no!!

Why let your ex ESPECIALLY after what she did to you and your kids.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

SF-FAN said:


> Tell me about it. I have no clue why I feel that way. For example, we are going on vacation and I'm taking the kids and part of me feels bad she is going to miss out. Not that I want her there but she's going to miss out being with the kids on a vacation. I don't get it. I have no clue why I feel bad for people that have wronged me. Trust me, I wish I was cold-hearted and didn't care.


Can you clarify what you mean with this example, because this is a whole different issue than conflict avoidance. 

My husband and I usually take all of our kids on vacation each summer. His XW also takes his kids on vacation a different week. My XH does not take our children on vacation, ever. I have had moments when I felt bad for my kids that their step-siblings get more trips than they did, but it was fleeting because, well, that is life sometimes, and they aren’t upset about it. I have felt badly that their time with their father is spent in an apartment on their devices and not ever having experiences together. But I am thinking about what my kids are missing out on, not what my XH is missing. Does your XW take the kids on vacation? If yes, do you feel bad and left out when they go? This seems to point to a yearning for your old family unit. 

Conflict avoidance: Not for nothing, but I found out my XH took a vacation to a free family cabin on a lake alone with new wife every year. I always thought they didn’t do anything with them due to financial reasons. But it was really because they wanted to be alone, as the week includes their anniversary. I get that (I haven't been alone for 19 years but I understand why they would want to be). The part I had a major issue with was that each year their vacation was partially during his custody time - and he didn’t tell me in advance. Our kids were little, one with special needs, and I was getting calls at work from the school that the kids weren’t allowed off the bus because nobody was there. He didn’t want to deal with me being angry at having to adjust the schedule and he didn’t want to deal with his wife knowing he didn’t plan ahead, so he just hoped for the best that the kids would be fine and I would cover his days. Can you even fathom how livid I was? Or how angry his wife was? And yet it happened again the following year! Who experiences that level of wrath and is still more afraid to feel the slight sting of disapproval? My BP is spiking even typing this. I realize this is an extreme case of conflict avoidance and nothing on the level that you do, but I share it to highlight how crazy the thought process is. 

Make the choices that are right for YOU and your kids, not your wife, not your XW.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

SF-FAN said:


> I am conflict avoidant because then conflict leads to problems every time you see that person. In my case it'll be every time I see the exW at the kids' events which will be awkward and annoying.


Problem is being conflict avoidant makes you seem to not be a safe partner to your wife, makes you weak in her eyes. That is reason your wife is at odds with the situation. She feels she has to step up to fight. The root cause is not about the photos....it is your conflict avoidance.

When i hear conflict avoidance i remember the scene in Back to the Future when Biff is about to rape the wife and George walks away as he is told. But he realizes what was more important...are you going to turn around and address the issue. That is the way you look when you are conflict avoidant. If your exW can jerk your chain like this...then what would you do in a situation where the family is threatened. That person would be more dangerous that the ex, but if you are scared of her reaction?......How does that make your wife feel?


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

sideways said:


> Why do you think you would have to be "cold-hearted"?
> 
> Just be indifferent.
> 
> ...


That's a good analogy. Problem is the exW tries to keep getting on the bus pertaining to the kids and most of the time it's a non issue but then there's moments when it is an issue.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

Divinely Favored said:


> Problem is being conflict avoidant makes you seem to not be a safe partner to your wife, makes you weak in her eyes. That is reason your wife is at odds with the situation. She feels she has to step up to fight. The root cause is not about the photos....it is your conflict avoidance.
> 
> When i hear conflict avoidance i remember the scene in Back to the Future when Biff is about to rape the wife and George walks away as he is told. But he realizes what was more important...are you going to turn around and address the issue. That is the way you look when you are conflict avoidant. If your exW can jerk your chain like this...then what would you do in a situation where the family is threatened. That person would be more dangerous that the ex, but if you are scared of her reaction?......How does that make your wife feel?


Problem is I will likely have to deal with the exW for life. Or at least until my youngest is 18 (3 years from now) then it will die down a bit. With someone threatening or putting my family in danger, it's a no brainer, I'd protect them. Dealing with the exW is annoying at times but isn't on that level.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It may die down but it never goes away. College graduations. Weddings. Grandchildren and their events. On and on and on. Maybe she’ll mellow over time or maybe your new wife will get fed up at some point and set her straight. One can always hope.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

SF-FAN said:


> Problem is I will likely have to deal with the exW for life. Or at least until my youngest is 18 (3 years from now) then it will die down a bit. With someone threatening or putting my family in danger, it's a no brainer, I'd protect them. Dealing with the exW is annoying at times but isn't on that level.


I understand that but a womans subconcious primitive brain tells her otherwise.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

SF-FAN said:


> Now this is where I am kind of mad at myself. *Why do I care if it upset her or not? I don't have any feelings for her in any way shape or form. *If I was single again I would have no feelings or intentions on getting back to her. I don't wish anything bad on her but I wish I didn't have to deal with her period. So..why do I care if my exW and I are on good terms or not? How do I stop feeling like that?


you care about what your ex thinks because deep down you’re not completely over her, which I think is what triggers your current wife. She feels it in her gut that you still have unresolved feelings for the ex, which is why she is insecure about the whole situation.

It doesn’t help that she’s never been married or had her own family. Is she much younger than your ex too? There is a huge gap in life experience between the 2 of you.

You need to dig deep into your issues with your ex because from here it doesn’t seem like you fully have your wife’s back. This woman that came into your life after what your ex did to you should not have any doubts that she’s your number one.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

Openminded said:


> It may die down but it never goes away. College graduations. Weddings. Grandchildren and their events. On and on and on. Maybe she’ll mellow over time or maybe your new wife will get fed up at some point and set her straight. One can always hope.


It's died down substantially already. Now that my kids drive there's no pick ups or drop offs when we exchange. She communicates with them for the most part unless it's something her and I have to discuss about them. But yes, I understand it will never go away.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

jsmart said:


> you care about what your ex thinks because deep down you’re not completely over her, which I think is what triggers your current wife. She feels it in her gut that you still have unresolved feelings for the ex, which is why she is insecure about the whole situation.
> 
> It doesn’t help that she’s never been married or had her own family. Is she much younger than your ex too? There is a huge gap in life experience between the 2 of you.
> 
> You need to dig deep into your issues with your ex because from here it doesn’t seem like you fully have your wife’s back. This woman that came into your life after what your ex did to you should not have any doubts that she’s your number one.


I respectfully disagree. I have no feelings whatsoever for her, physically or emotionally (to the extent she's the kids' mom and I wish her the best because if she's doing well it benefits them). If my wife left me I would NEVER, NOT FOR ONE SECOND, think about getting back with the ex. I learned A LOT from the D and know how not to be treated by a significant other. No way in he** I'd go back with the ex. 

I have an issue with being too forgiving and includes her. I also have an issue with feeling bad when something good happens for me towards others that it's not happening to. If I get something new (a car for example) I downplay it so that others don't feel bad that they didn't get a new car. I feel I do need to seek counseling for that.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

SF-FAN said:


> Problem is I will likely have to deal with the exW for life. Or at least until my youngest is 18 (3 years from now) then it will die down a bit. With someone threatening or putting my family in danger, it's a no brainer, I'd protect them. Dealing with the exW is annoying at times but isn't on that level.


To honest if your youngest is 15 there isn't much need for you to have contact with her. They are old enough to make their own arrangements to see you now. 
The only times you will need to see her is at things like weddings and graduations.

When I met my husband his youngest was 17. He and his ex have had no contact since then for over 15 years except when his older son got baptised.


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