# Please help i just feel numb now.



## redrainbows (Mar 15, 2011)

Hi all,
Sorry for posting again re -husbands affair of about a year.
I found out myself last July and posted on here and got some brilliant advice.

Well after taking him back our sex life went mad and we could'nt get enough of it. Since reading alot on here i realize this can happen and its normal to feel like this.

However lately its all come back like a big wave and won't go away. I keep looking at my husband and don't know what i want anymore. I do not want sex with him again, well not right now as i am starting to wonder if i can ever move on from all this as the betrayal and lies he told me never seem to go away.

He has now arranged a small family party for me as its our Ruby wedding in June this year and can't do enough for me.
I have no-one to talk about now how i am feeling as all my immediate family and friends think we are ok.

I have told him i can't have any sexual relations with him as everything has coming flooding back and this time i feel worse.
He just dosn't get it at all and we are now arguing about sex.

In fact sometimes i look at him now and think how pathetic he is and how much he hurt me. Somedays i still can't believe what he did and with whom. Its ok people telling me to move on and forgive. I honestly don't think i can ever forgive him as don't really know what forgiveness is these circumstances means any more.

Now on the other hand i cannot imagine what life would be like without him somedays as don't think i could live on my own.

What a mess. I feel as if i could run away right now and try and wipe out the past but know thats damn well stupid as i am very poorly and won't get any better.

Sorry again for the moan but i just feel like i am in a big bubble and could explode again.
Any advice most welcome and appreciated.


----------



## Kcrat (Mar 18, 2011)

Hang in there! I am going through the emotional roller coaster too, but my husband shows no remorse for what he has done, nor does he seem to want to get back together. We have been miserable for 22 years, and everything just came to a head recently and we are now separated for the second time (MY IDEA) even though HE wanted the divorce. ANYWAY, I can go from being "over him," and independent, to obsessing and wanting him back so that we can "Fix" everything including me working on MY issues. We actually went on a "date" Friday night and had a great time. But I found out more "lovely surprises" yesterday and now I am in a "cool mode" where I am pulling away from him, and trying to distance myself. He is coming back from a trip and needed to stop by and get some paperwork. I just called him and told him it would be in the mailbox! It sounds like you are not going to be able to get past this right now. I suggest you separate and see if you might be able to get some trust back. OR.......Just "put on your big girl panties" and get a divorce. I SWEAR I know exactly what you are going through. One day I am in "let's reconcile" mode, and the others, "WTH am I doing with this jerk who has treated me and our kids so terribly?" "Who am I?" "What am I doing?" "He'll just do it again." "I'll never be able to trust him again." I realized if we DID attempt a reconciliation it would be the same ole "shi!" COUPLED with the new infidelity and lying issues, and lots of other "yummy stuff." I would question every single thing he did/said. That is no way to live. Just follow your heart AND your head, and try to stick with one frame of mind, and go with it. I am going to try my BEST to do that and not be so wishy washy. Good luck


----------



## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

redrainbows said:


> I found out myself last July and posted on here and got some brilliant advice.
> 
> Well after taking him back our sex life went mad and we couldn't get enough of it.
> 
> ...



This is EXACTLY what i mean in every single post of mine, when i say "Get in a strong mental state before making and decisions. Any decision from a weakened state of mind will result in a weak decision, and when you gain your strength, you will doubt your decision"


What you basically did here, *is forgive him*, then a year later, punish him by with holding sex after you forgave him. If you never forgave him, then you shouldnt have been there for a year already. YOu say you guys had great sex, and that everyone thinks you are past it. That is probably why everyone including your hubby thinks you have forgiven him!!

His reaction of "arguing about sex and not getting it at all" is Totally justified. Of course he doesn't understand... you forgave him already. If you are going to leave, then you need to tell him that you tried it out for a year and it didn't work.

Once you decide to forgive, you must stick to it. Forgiveness isn't something you get to just pick and choose to give or take away. He cheated, but that doesn't give you the right to punish him for the rest of his life, whenever you feel like it. You either forgave him, or you didn't. If you didn't, then LEAVE him, but dont beat him down. 

How would you feel if he said " i am loyal to you, but next year, i might not be"?

This is coming from someone who was cheated on twice, and I am telling you from a LOYAL SPOUSES perspective, that what you are doing here is unfair to yourself and him. 

NEVER make a choice to forgive if you dont understand what it means to do so. This is a bad situation for both of you. If you need to go back to therapy, or talk to him, do so... but for God's sake dont punish him for something he thinks you forgave him for.

Sorry its not good news, but I feel strongly about this. Once you forgive.... you have to live with your choice. Leaving is an option, but not punishment.


----------



## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

I agree with twotimeloser. I can't get past my anger/disgust for her betrayal... so there has been no sexual contact between us. I didn't(as I've decided to leave) want sex to cloud my judgment. Many, tried telling me to "go along" with it, but that doesn't work for me. I believe you'll only be basing your R on the sex, then when you come down from that high, you're still stuck in the same rut. Does that make any sense? It really helped me get a perspective on the situation without anything amorous influencing my judgment. Let me tell you... was/is very frustrating though... if you know what I mean. I hope that helps, if just a little bit.


----------



## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

i think 2time nailed it for ya and likewise others.

folks come on here to whine after they've made a decision.
stick to yer decision, unless he/shes cheated again.

maybe 2time u should write up an all inclusive post and send all these "buyers remorse" type folks to the link to read it.

u'd save yerself n us alot of redundancy post replies thats 
for sure.

hope this was worth .02:sleeping:


----------



## redrainbows (Mar 15, 2011)

Thankyou for your input above.
However i won't be posting anymore on here

You can't judge me as don't know me and no two relationships are the same as we are all totally different people.

CB45 i don't come on here to whine, as you put it. If you don't like what i have put then don't read it or reply

twotimelooser, please don't put everything in the same situation as yourself either.

For your information i am in a wheelchair as i can't walk, yes there is a hell of alot more to my life than i have said or will say anymore on here. There is also so many more reasons why i feel as i do as i had a stroke many years ago too which has affected my brain and memory and a lot more.

I suffer from Fibromyalgia and CFS/ME . So please don't tell me what i should or should'nt be doing as i AM NOT YOU!!.

I came on here for support as i thought what a friendly bunch of people you all were. How wrong.

In future i shall sort my own marriage problems out as coming on here as getting advice like above when as i said you don't know me is making my health alot worse.
Goodbye and thankyou to those a few weeks or months ago that did help me as you all know who you are.


----------



## redrainbows (Mar 15, 2011)

Sorry if some of the above seems mixed up or dosn't make sense but that because part of my brain dos'nt work very well anymore.


----------



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Redrainbows. Dont let the actions of a few stop y ou from getting advise from this forum. However, you must realize that you need to consider ALL advise on this forum. Some you will agree with. Some you wont. If you dont agree with it, thats fine. I find no one ever really is here to judge you on this forum....but i do love that sometimes people here will tell you how it is, even if you dont realize it yourself. Thats why his site is sooo great. 

Yes, your situation Is different. We can only respond with as much background as we are given.

With the background you did give, however, it did seem that you did in fact decide to withdrawl forgiveness. If so, i have to agree with TwoTimes advise. If we are missing the whole story, then you need to fill us in on the missing pieces.

In the meantime, take care.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

