# Can my marriage still be saved?!



## copdoc (Apr 19, 2012)

I finally got up the courage to post my situation and ask for some advice from my fellow sufferers. I will try to be brief!
This is my second marriage. Last Wednesday would have been our 9th anniversary. We went on a very belated "honeymoon" in August (great, romantic trip). End of November my wife confessed her P.A. to her 29 year old personal trainer! (I wiil be 47; she just turned 42). It apparently started in September (when she first met him and started training with him). She moved out (NOT with him) end of January. One of her sons (we each have 2 kids from prior marriages) lives with her; her oldest stayed with me as well as my 2.
Up until the end of March she seemed willing to reconcile. She broke it off several times but would return  At the end of March she told me she knew it was an addiction and a fantasy and was ready to call it off for good. She ended it one night, but 8 days later told me she just couldn't let him go! She told me she didn't want to work on our marriage "right now". I offered divorce but she said she wasn't sure that's what she wanted either! 
Since then I have repeatedly tried to apply the 180 but fail every time I see her (she still helps me with our youngest). Today I asked her again why she doesn't want a divorce and she says she's not sure it's what she wants. She tells me she still considers reconciling but is afraid to go back to the way things were, is afraid I'll throw the affair in her face when we argue, and is not sure how we could get past the affair. 
Part of me wants to file for D just to end it (even though I am still madly in love with her and want her to end this affair and reconcile). Our marital counselor feels this is a mid-life crisis and feels the only way I can possibly win her back is to do the 180. 
My gut tells me she is still addicted to him and that she realizes this affair has no long-term future but she just keeps telling me "I have to want it" [reconcile and end the affair]. I know I can't persuade her, but I find it difficult to let her go.
What should I do? I feel ashamed for being so weak and unable to stick to the 180.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

You are her back up plan that's why she doesn't want a divorce.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Contact an attorney ASAP and have her served with divorce papers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

First, sorry for your pain. Your wife is an abusive a-hole.
Now, you are right. You are being a total wimp.
So, just stop being a doormat/wimp and start the divorce. Have no contact with her and expose her affair.
Then, maybe, just maybe, she will come around. Then you have to decide if she is worth it(probably not. IMO).
But, you really do need to stop acting like a baby. 

Again, I know you are in pain. Not trying to be a **** here. Just trying to wake you the **** up.


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## copdoc (Apr 19, 2012)

I figured that would be the advice 
My gut tells me to do that but my heart tells me to try the 180 (if I can stick to it!). I take it you don't think the 180 will work in this case?


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## copdoc (Apr 19, 2012)

Thanks BigLiam. I need the wake up call!


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Keep doing the 180, plus go totally dark on her minus issues regarding the kids.

The less you expose yourself to her the faster you'll free yourself from that w****
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

The 180 and instituting divorce go hand in hand. Thye are not mutually exclusive.
Every reconciliations story I have read starts with the betrayed standing up to the abuse and kicking the WS to the curb.
Counter intuitive, eh? No one ever "niced" his wife back.Sad as it is, you cannot expect your cheater wife to act as a normal, empathetic, honest person. You have to force her to act like a decent human being by imposing consequences.
And, the fact that a BS has to resort to this is one of the reasons many decide to divorce even if the cheater does wake up. These betrayed folks have no desire to be with somone who has to be forced via consequences to act honorably.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Go to IC. You may have some co-dependency issues that may be causing you not to let go.

The 180 is not a manipulation tool to get her to end her affair and commit to marital recovery. It is an emotional empowerment tool to emotionally detach from her and to get you to the point where you will be emotionally strong enough to move on with your life, with or without her.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

29yr old is stringing her along getting free booty. She's stringing you along waiting until 29yr old moves on (NO WAY IN hell he's gonna want to stay with an old lady, unless she's paying for all his crap).

Cut her loose and run. If she crawls back then you can decide if you want damaged goods that's only coming back to you because you can afford her financial stability.

Only way to get her out of the fog is to move on with your life without her, so file away.


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## kenken (Jun 21, 2011)

dont let her decide for you,decide for yourself!serve her the papers for divorce and tell her that she cannot decide for you life!i feel that youre a good man!you deserve!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Well, what are the chances this 29 year old man is going to marry your wife and become a stepfather to her kid(s). I'd say they are pretty close to zero.

But he _will_ take all the sex he can get with no strings attached.

She is loving the attention. She's 42. She's got a guy a whole lot younger than her to tell her she is hot and sexy. She is digging that. She knows she should end it with him, she knows it's going nowhere, but boy she just can't stop the fantasy. It is waaaay too much fun.

Your own COUNSELOR recommends the 180. You do the 180 NOT to get your spouse back. You do the 180 to prep for life on your own. You needed to be doing some version of the 180 (living the best life) a long time ago. It is what will give you self-confidence to face your future whatever that may be.

BTW, I don't believe in mid-life crises. I think they are entirely made up and have become part of popular culture. I think that people use them to justify their selfish choices and behavior. Boy, wouldn't everyone just like to wake up one day and walk away from all their responsibilities and leave other people to clean up the mess. That is one area where I disagree with your counselor.

The truth is, she was unhappy in her marriage. Maybe you did contribute to the vulnerability of the marriage in some way. But WSs are grownups, and grownups communicate their needs to others. If they aren't getting those COMMUNICATED needs met, then they request marriage counseling. They DON'T jump the bones of the cute guy who tells them whatever they want to hear just to sleep with them.

---------------------------

Questions for you:

What do her parents think about this? How about any other people she respects--do they know she essentially left you for sex with her trainer? Or have you been too embarrassed--and protective of her on the theory that she'd reconcile--to tell anyone?

Is she self-funded? Are your finances separated?


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

copdoc said:


> I finally got up the courage to post my situation and ask for some advice from my fellow sufferers. I will try to be brief!
> This is my second marriage. Last Wednesday would have been our 9th anniversary. We went on a very belated "honeymoon" in August (great, romantic trip). End of November my wife confessed her P.A. to her 29 year old personal trainer! (I wiil be 47; she just turned 42). It apparently started in September (when she first met him and started training with him). She moved out (NOT with him) end of January. One of her sons (we each have 2 kids from prior marriages) lives with her; her oldest stayed with me as well as my 2.
> Up until the end of March she seemed willing to reconcile. She broke it off several times but would return  At the end of March she told me she knew it was an addiction and a fantasy and was ready to call it off for good. She ended it one night, but 8 days later told me she just couldn't let him go! She told me she didn't want to work on our marriage "right now". I offered divorce but she said she wasn't sure that's what she wanted either!
> Since then I have repeatedly tried to apply the 180 but fail every time I see her (she still helps me with our youngest). Today I asked her again why she doesn't want a divorce and she says she's not sure it's what she wants. She tells me she still considers reconciling but is afraid to go back to the way things were, is afraid I'll throw the affair in her face when we argue, and is not sure how we could get past the affair.
> ...


Read your POST again. Why would the 180 work. She has the best of both worlds -- you and the kids as a family -- and her young trainer to have sex. She has no respect for you or the kids -- and knows that she can keep doing this until she decides. I know it is hard -- but you need to take control of you life, marriage (or lack of) and the kids. Filing for divorce may wake her up -- but who knows. Divorce is not easy -- but you have to draw the line in the sand and mean it. Stay strong !!! I am sure she wouldn't put up with the situation if you had a female trainer on the side.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

The way you're handling it now allows her to do whatever she wants at her own leisure.Maybe you can shake her back into the real world by filing for divorce.You definitely shouldn't be asking her what she wants to do at this point because she's still in the affair.You need to take control of the situation,out her affair,give her an either/or ultimatum and stand firm on it.Sorry for your circumstances and wish you the best in your struggle.Take care.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

I am so sorry that you are here.

Having said that, you need to ask her for your balls back next time you see her. She does not respect you or her children. She's having fun with her boytoy and could not care less about anything but sex with him.

Honestly, I don't know how you're gonna get past this. If you don't respect yourself, who will? She clearly does not. What kind of example are you setting for the kids?


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

Trainer needs to be exposed. Wonder how many cougars he's taken down. He has vulnerable wives isolated every day, and the muscles to play the role. What a douche.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Shamwow said:


> Trainer needs to be exposed. Wonder how many cougars he's taken down. He has vulnerable wives isolated every day, and the muscles to play the role. What a douche.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

[BTW, Shamwow, congrats on your 1000th post. Your thread helped me get through my own ordeal.]


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Shamwow said:


> Trainer needs to be exposed. Wonder how many cougars he's taken down. He has vulnerable wives isolated every day, and the muscles to play the role. What a douche.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Was thinking the same thing. Wonder how many he is doing now -- why your wife lives in her fantasy. Don't know if you two are still having sex -- but if you are you need to get checked for STD. Maybe you should also tell your wife that -- she will flip out and be pissed at you -- so what -- and let her decide -- but everyone the trainer is sleeping with (now/past) so is your wife.


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> :iagree:
> 
> [BTW, Shamwow, congrats on your 1000th post. Your thread helped me get through my own ordeal.]


1001! Glad our ordeals could help each other. Hope OP gets the goods on this guy, just sick.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

If you want her back, blow up her affair.

Tell the owner of the gym where she trains that their employee is seducing married women and breaking up families. Ask the owner of the gym if they have any policies about their employees seducing married customers. Ask the owner if they would like to be sued for alienation of affection. I don't care if there is such a thing, I guarantee you the owner won't want to be bothered worrying about bad publicity and fighting lawsuits because their 29-year-old trainer can't keep it in his pants and they'll discipline the guy or fire the guy. Then the other man may dump your wife.

Expose to the other man's wife/girlfriend/family. Tell his mommy and daddy on him and tell his grandma too.

Expose to your and your wife's family.

Do all of these together on the same day, as close to each other as possible. You don't have to go into great detail, just that your wife is having an affair with her 29-year-old trainer, she admits to it, and you would like their support in helping you save your marriage. Do not tell your wife you plan to expose to anyone, just do it.

Meanwhile, tell your wife that you will not be her backup plan. She must choose, other man or you, or you will file for divorce. Tell her she has no future with the other man. Tell her she has a half hour to decide. If she doesn't choose you, then file for divorce. You can always stop the process later if she decides to come back to you.

You seem like a bit of a doormat who always lets your wife have her way. I base that on the fact that you don't seem that upset that she's been bonking away with the other man and continues to do so, while she calmly tells you she'll let you know when she's had enough sex from the other man and, until she has had enough, please don't file for divorce because she knows this thing with the other man won't last forever and, when if finally ends, she'd like to keep you open as an option in case she doesn't want to be on her own. And you haven't been doing anything about it other than waiting for it to end on its own.

Because your wife probably is used to getting her way with you, there's a good chance she probably will not believe you will divorce her until you actually file. You have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it.

If she does agree to come back, you should impose conditions for taking her back and not divorcing her. No more gym. She allows you to monitor all communication devices and accounts. She deletes nothing. She let's you know her whereabouts 24/7.

Sorry if I seem a bit harsh, but this is what it will take. You are not going to nice her back into this marriage.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> If you want her back, blow up her affair.
> 
> Tell the owner of the gym where she trains that their employee is seducing married women and breaking up families. Ask the owner of the gym if they have any policies about their employees seducing married customers. Ask the owner if they would like to be sued for alienation of affection. I don't care if there is such a thing, I guarantee you the owner won't want to be bothered worrying about bad publicity and fighting lawsuits because their 29-year-old trainer can't keep it in his pants and they'll discipline the guy or fire the guy. Then the other man may dump your wife.
> 
> ...


Even if you don't want her back -- expose the affair to the owner of the gym -- to hopefully prevent this scumbag for doing this again to another family !!


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## copdoc (Apr 19, 2012)

Okay, okay! I get it! I am being a total wimp and need to grow some balls! You are all right and I truly appreciate the honesty-as painful as it may be to read.
We haven't had sex in almost 3 months. We did hook up once back in March but nothing before that for several months.
I really like the suggestion of outing the trainer. I had considered that but had not done so.
Her mom (dad is dead) and sister really like me and are not happy with her but they know they won't be able to get her to listen to them. I have spoken with my close friends and she has talked to her friends. I am not sure what her friends think. Mine have told me to let her go and move on as well. 
Up until March I was hanging on because I honestly felt like she was going to end the affair. It is clear to me now that she won't. I know the 180 is for my benefit (not to get her to end it). What bothers me is that I know this affair has no future (and you all seem to agree). I see her waking up at some point, realizing what she gave up, and regretting it-and, at this point in time, I keep wishing she would wake up while I am still willing to give her another chance (as opposed to when I have finally moved on).


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

copdoc said:


> Okay, okay! I get it! I am being a total wimp and need to grow some balls! You are all right and I truly appreciate the honesty-as painful as it may be to read.
> We haven't had sex in almost 3 months. We did hook up once back in March but nothing before that for several months.
> I really like the suggestion of outing the trainer. I had considered that but had not done so.
> Her mom (dad is dead) and sister really like me and are not happy with her but they know they won't be able to get her to listen to them. I have spoken with my close friends and she has talked to her friends. I am not sure what her friends think. Mine have told me to let her go and move on as well.
> Up until March I was hanging on because I honestly felt like she was going to end the affair. It is clear to me now that she won't. I know the 180 is for my benefit (not to get her to end it). What bothers me is that I know this affair has no future (and you all seem to agree). I see her waking up at some point, realizing what she gave up, and regretting it-and, at this point in time, I keep wishing she would wake up while I am still willing to give her another chance (as opposed to when I have finally moved on).


Problem is even if she does wake up and ends the affair, she will be so full of guilt that she may still not want to come back to you out of shame and self loathing. That's just what Count's wife has done.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

copdoc said:


> Okay, okay! I get it! I am being a total wimp and need to grow some balls! You are all right and I truly appreciate the honesty-as painful as it may be to read.
> We haven't had sex in almost 3 months. We did hook up once back in March but nothing before that for several months.
> I really like the suggestion of outing the trainer. I had considered that but had not done so.
> Her mom (dad is dead) and sister really like me and are not happy with her but they know they won't be able to get her to listen to them. I have spoken with my close friends and she has talked to her friends. I am not sure what her friends think. Mine have told me to let her go and move on as well.
> Up until March I was hanging on because I honestly felt like she was going to end the affair. It is clear to me now that she won't. I know the 180 is for my benefit (not to get her to end it). *What bothers me is that I know this affair has no future (and you all seem to agree).* I see her waking up at some point, realizing what she gave up, and regretting it-and, at this point in time, I keep wishing she would wake up while I am still willing to give her another chance (as opposed to when I have finally moved on).


Yeah, this affair most likely does not have a future -- especially after you expose the POSOM and he throws her under the bus to save his career.

But what about the next one? She's tasted fresh meat (sorry for the visual) and I don't see her losing her appetite any time soon.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

copdoc said:


> I see her waking up at some point, realizing what she gave up, and regretting it-and, at this point in time, I keep wishing she would wake up while I am still willing to give her another chance (as opposed to when I have finally moved on).


We all knew this is what you were thinking. We've all been there. Some people's wilfull desire for self-destructiveness is truly breathtaking. It is agony to watch from the sidelines.

The trainer should be easy as pie to pick off. The time to have picked him off was last November. But, you have nothing to lose by trying now.

I am sorry that she is so selfish.


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

When I was in your shoes last year I wished my ex would've woken up while I'd still give her a chance, just like you. She didn't. I divorced her, and honestly don't regret it one bit at this point. Your W may regret this OM, and very soon, but what about the next one, that DOES have a potential for a future with her? She's already broken the line, and doesn't seem to care about what that means for you. You are in charge of your life, not her. What will make you happiest and give you your dignity fully intact? You know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

copdoc said:


> I figured that would be the advice
> My gut tells me to do that but my heart tells me to try the 180 (if I can stick to it!). I take it you don't think the 180 will work in this case?


The purpose of the 180 is not to win her back.

Anyway, she no longer respects you and will not find a man attractive who willingly lets himself be cuckolded in this passive way. So even when this guy is done she will find another to take his place.

This is not just an affair. He is likely having sex with lots of women. She is his meal ticket. He essentially is a gigilo. He is very much a f^ck buddy. This was not an emotional affair as she pretty much hired him and started having sex with him right away according to what you are saying.
He is a predator. He is a boytoy as has been said. She may have resentment built up in the marriage and the both of them are getting off on humiliating the husband who is not man enough to confront this guy. 

You should never have let this happen #1. Bad idea to allow the male personal trainer anyway, but many makes this mistake. I am not blaming you, but rather pointing out you should never have let her hire this guy. Once this "affair" came to light you should have shut it down immediately instead of sitting back. 

So, yes do the 180 and let her go. 

Are you funding her life style? If so you are indirectly paying for this guy to bang your wife. Stop that. Get to a lawyer and draw up the papers like you should have doen to begin with.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Sorry if I missed this--I asked this before.

Are your finances separate? Does she pay her own way?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

copdoc, please read the following.



> I wish I could claim credit for this masterpiece but I can't. It belongs to very wise member from another website. It should be etched in the minds of every man and woman who has been the victim on infidelity.
> 
> _*Just Let Them Go*
> 
> ...


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## copdoc (Apr 19, 2012)

I realize I sound like my wife is used to getting her way, but the reality is the opposite. Without going into details (and I am NOT excusing her having an affair!), she has been unhappy for some time because of various issues. We had gone to counseling over these issues and I thought things were getting better over the last year or so. That's why this affair caught me off guard. 
I agree with exposing him at his gym. I will definitely do that.
I also agree that I need to "just do it" (file for D). 
As for my being "okay" with her screwing the OM, I'm not!! It hurts like hell. However, I read so many posts of couples reconciling after an affair that I guess I was hoping that-if she would end the affair-that we would be able to move past this and possibly have a better marriage (again, like so many stories I've read on this site).


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## copdoc (Apr 19, 2012)

Our finances are still joint. We filed bankruptcy a couple of years ago so we have no assets to speak of. But I know what you're implying and, once I file, obviously we will split the finances. She is an R.N. and just started working part-time (while going back to school for her B.S.N.)


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

copdoc said:


> Our finances are still joint. We filed bankruptcy a couple of years ago so we have no assets to speak of. But I know what you're implying and, once I file, obviously we will split the finances. She is an R.N. and just started working part-time (while going back to school for her B.S.N.)


You need to bring her lifestyle to a halt. That is why she is keeping you around. She may find out that once her play money is reduced her oytoy will not have time for her any more.

Hopefully you are not funding her schooling.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

copdoc said:


> I realize I sound like my wife is used to getting her way, but the reality is the opposite. Without going into details (and I am NOT excusing her having an affair!), she has been unhappy for some time because of various issues. We had gone to counseling over these issues and I thought things were getting better over the last year or so. That's why this affair caught me off guard.
> I agree with exposing him at his gym. I will definitely do that.
> I also agree that I need to "just do it" (file for D).
> As for my being "okay" with her screwing the OM, I'm not!! It hurts like hell. However, I read so many posts of couples reconciling after an affair that I guess I was hoping that-if she would end the affair-that we would be able to move past this and possibly have a better marriage (again, like so many stories I've read on this site).


No one thinks you are ok with any of this. The advice folks are giving you is to help you get back yourself respect and to help you break this hold this woman has on you. She is being very cruel right now and for whatever reason is using this as power over you. This is not just selfish it is truly a hateful thing she is doing.

You had to force her to end the affair. Letting her abuse you is not the way to win her back. That is the point. The longer this goes on the worse this gets.

I am not sure what posts you are using as a basis for sitting back and waiting for an affair to burn out on its own. Where have you seen those posts?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Shamwow said:


> Trainer needs to be exposed. Wonder how many cougars he's taken down. He has vulnerable wives isolated every day, and the muscles to play the role. What a douche.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I was wondering this the moment I first read this thread. Why the hell hasn't this guy been exposed? I'm pretty sure they're not supposed to be banging clients. And if this douche has a wife or girlfriend, expose it to the OMW/OMGF.

Expose the WW too. She's been very comfortably cake eating, and keeping copdoc as the back up plan.

copdoc, if you're paying for your WWs gym/health club membership, cancel it.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

You have to be willing to kill the marriage in order to have any chance of saving it.

How has playing passive been working for you? 

I am sorry you are in this situation and wish you the best of luck.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Almost every single infidelity story that I've ever read on this board and other boards that involve gyms or health clubs, seem to involve a physical trainer. Why is that?

Seems like a physical trainer has his pick since sex is getting thrown at them from all these cougars and milfs. While I hate douchbag trainers that ruin marriages, I can understand the temptation that results from all these women coming on to them all the time.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

no fool like an old fool huh copdoc ? What I don't understand is how a man can reach age 46 an not have any self respect. Every father should sit their young sons down and instruct them in respecting themselves, and others, teaching them morals, values, and boundries. how did you miss learning this ?? are there any depths you won't degrade yourself in these young men eyes? if not for yourself, plz get a hold of yourself and D her. I can just imagine how humiliated you sons feel.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey CD---you can't even think of R, while she is still in her A., and while she is in contact---so she would also have to give up her visits to the gym

Since when does she get to decide, whether you wanna D., or not---YOU WANNA D, YOU FILE---JUST THAT SIMPLE---SHE DOESN'T GET A SAY

Do you have any idea/clue as to what the definition of mge., is---when did they add the part where one of the married spouses, gets to screw others---Did you agree to that when you took your sacred vows---I guess the 2 of you didn't speak any vows, right----you ignore them, and she just plain blew them up----You seem to have no clue as to what mge is---let me tell you---IT IS ONE MAN AND ONE WOMAN---that's it, that's all, no one else

You have heard what to do from several people with a whole lot of experience---but all you kind of do, is nod your head and say, you are right---just like you nod your head to your wife, and say, by your actions---I will wait till you are done, and you decide you wanna come back

Do you really envision yourself, ever touching your wife again--knowing the other man has put his hands all over her---put his lips all over her---put his sexual tools inside of her----are you looking forward to following his act??????


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

copdoc said:


> I realize I sound like my wife is used to getting her way, but the reality is the opposite. Without going into details (and I am NOT excusing her having an affair!), she has been unhappy for some time because of various issues. We had gone to counseling over these issues and I thought things were getting better over the last year or so. That's why this affair caught me off guard.
> I agree with exposing him at his gym. I will definitely do that.
> I also agree that I need to "just do it" (file for D).
> As for my being "okay" with her screwing the OM, I'm not!! It hurts like hell. However, I read so many posts of couples reconciling after an affair that *I guess I was hoping that-if she would end the affair-that we would be able to move past this and possibly have a better marriage *(again, like so many stories I've read on this site).


Hope is not a plan.

And the people that reconcile after an affair put in a hell of a lot more work than you're doing. True, a lot of marriages get healthier after an affair, but I guarantee most couples that reconcile wishes that the affair had never happen. You're being passive and your wife is walking all over you like a starlet on the red carpet.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

copdoc said:


> I realize I sound like my wife is used to getting her way, but the reality is the opposite. Without going into details (and I am NOT excusing her having an affair!), she has been unhappy for some time because of various issues. We had gone to counseling over these issues and I thought things were getting better over the last year or so. That's why this affair caught me off guard.
> I agree with exposing him at his gym. I will definitely do that.
> I also agree that I need to "just do it" (file for D).
> As for my being "okay" with her screwing the OM, I'm not!! It hurts like hell. However, I read so many posts of couples reconciling after an affair that I guess I was hoping that-if she would end the affair-that we would be able to move past this and possibly have a better marriage (again, like so many stories I've read on this site).



Very few couples reconcile after infidelity. The real stats are very low. The high stats come from sites and sources intent on getting your $$ for their "pay for reconcilliation services".
Once a spouse has cheated, it is almost always over. 
You will be fine in time, away from this selfish a-hole you call a wife.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

copdoc said:


> Our finances are still joint. We filed bankruptcy a couple of years ago so we have no assets to speak of. But I know what you're implying and, once I file, obviously we will split the finances. She is an R.N. and just started working part-time (while going back to school for her B.S.N.)


The nurses seem to go this route a lot.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Out him to his boss. Tell them if he doesn't cut it off with your wife you will sue the company and put the company and the OM on cheaterville.com and that anytime someone googles their names they will show up on a cheaters website. Tell them you will also put a video about the whole situation on youtube and you already have a way to make it go viral. Just don't tell em its us. 

Good luck


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I see that you say you're going to separate finances after you file.

Her part-time job doesn't cover the bills.

Don't be afraid to tell us you are financing her separate housing and gym, etc.

I realize people are very hard here on rookies. The reason is, WE WERE PLAYED FOR FOOLS OURSELVES. We wish we had found a forum and had someone knock some sense into US. You think this hurts--try having a secret affair go on for years in front of your nose with a spouse who doesn't have the decency to move out.

So--correct me if I'm wrong--but I suspect you are holding the money bags and you didn't want / think to cut her off. Am I right, or does she have a job that covers her expenses?

I would NOT wait for D to cut off the funding to the bare minimum--rent, food, gas money.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

BigLiam said:


> Very few couples reconcile after infidelity. The real stats are very low. The high stats come from sites and sources intent on getting your $$ for their "pay for reconcilliation services".
> Once a spouse has cheated, it is almost always over.
> You will be fine in time, away from this selfish a-hole you call a wife.


I found this stat, too. 

As has been mentioned the people who are claiming it can work are trying to make money off repairing the marriage. Psychiatrists and psychologists, too. 

It's likely a goldmine. 

The success stories are there but extremely rare.

Still, I read university study that claims that the marriage may go through a honeymoon phase, but usually it ends. 

Either the cheater cheats again, and the BS divorces them.

Or the betrayed spouse wakes up one day and realizes they are doing too much work, or maybe all of the work, to repair a marriage that the cheater broke.

I am seeing some BS's doing too much here. It seems like they are making all these changes to please the cheater. It's almost as if they are being rewarded. 

I was guilty of that, too. I was doing all the changing and he kept saying he was happy because things have improved.

But the reality is they have only improved for him. He got had his fun in an exciting new dating relationship, while I sat home as he spent my marital assets on a ho, and all I get is a cheating spouse whom I was jumping through hoops to please


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You are providing her with a safety next so she can have a sexual affair with a 29 yr old. 

He's likely doing a couple of other cougars at the sametime, trashing a number of marriages like yours.

It is so far past time that you blow it out of the water and expose it to the entire world.

but first, Drop a VAR into her car and get any details about him and her that you can.

hire a PI to find out who else he is hooking up with. You want to out him to the other husbands as well! And any possible GF he has.

Then without warning out him to everyone at the sametime , and file for D.

You want to shock you wife into realizing that not only are you prepared to D, but her BF doing other women besides her, and he's now throwing her under the bus.

You want all of this to go down at the same time.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

In the mean time - how is she covering a second place on her RN salary? If you are giving her $$ - stop that immediately, including paying for car insurance on her car.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> In the mean time - how is she covering a second place on her RN salary? If you are giving her $$ - stop that immediately, including paying for car insurance on her car.


I had the EXACT SAME thought. Why aren't you just cutting off rent IMMEDIATELY? You have a perfectly good house she can live in. Let her pay her own way to 'discover' herself.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

BTW - next time she pulls the addiction stuff - point out that if she's addicted then she needs to go into treatment, otherwise what she is doing it making a conscious choice.

Don't let her hide behind that crap. Time to play serious in her face hardball where you don't end up agreeing to disagree.

This woman chose to cheat. She willing accepted another man to have sex with her. She knew the cost (you) when she started, and she chose to pay it.

Now you need to call her tab - insist that she can't keep at it while not paying.

She's face no consequences of her cheating. You might say moving to her own place is a consequence - I'd say it was a convenience which allowed her greater access to cheat.


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## Ballin21 (May 4, 2012)

CopDoc-

You sound very similair to alot of the heartbroken who first come onto this site; tail between legs with no balls and a sign that says wipe your paws. I too was one of them, until a quick slap in the face came from the likes of the same people who have responded to your thread. We all want whats best for you and that isnt your wife! She wants her cake and eat it too. The 180 works well as I have tried to implement it during my divorce but were too manipuated by my ex that it took a few times. Throughout this process, you need to have the mindset to F*uk her and work on you. I have found out alot of things I wasnt so happy about myself during this process and it can really be one of self reflection. You have the power to choose how this story ends for you, not her! Dont be the guy that everyone knows is the pushover. Like in the movie swingers, We want to see the rated R Bear and not the pg-13. Remember your wife is being the XXX rabbit! She made her choice the moment she started to throw herself at the trainer. I am 100% certain that the trainer didnt pick-up your wife but rather the exact opposite. She courted him knowing full well the reprocussions. We all know what cheating brings to a marriage. Also I might add she came clean to you why? I find most women come clean b/c they want their current relationship to end. If she didnt want you to know, she would have kept going on and just have been more coy about it. She is hoping you will put her through school and help her get her career going. Once that happens shell bang someone in the hospital/ docs etc.. I see it all the time. Bottom line is it never stops and your always going to be thinking....


Good Luck


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Copdoc,

Notice how you describe that she seems to keep wanting to make sure that you will give her another chance, but the OM is like an addiction. She's in the fog, but even she probably realizes where this whole thing with him will go. She knows that you are a given. But you can't deny that deep down, she seems to know that you are the right one for her. But why would she change anything? You are still her cheerleader, or the one who is pursuing her while she pursues another.

Don't you see how powerful it can be to her if she has to win your approval and reconciliation in order to stop the divorce process? It elevates you as someone who is unnattainable - like the hot young OM was before her affair with him. There is no promising that this will win her, but you have to see that while you are her given, and the OM is the one she has pursued and taken, there is little you can do. Even if you reconcile, you have to maintain this type of dynamic, where she is offering to give up everything you need just to keep you in her life. She has to feel that it takes work to keep you, and you can only manage this through treating her with the blame that she deserves. In the past, her mind was re-writing your past to justify the affair. Problem is, most guys in your position buy this accounting, because you are the one who is "her given", or the one who will always be her backup plan, willingly and unfailingly, so you'll tend to feel more remorse for her unhappiness than is actually justified. My point is, if this leads you to the place where she wants to pursue you, and stop the divorce, she'll be the one trying to convince you that things were great, but she screwed it up with the affair.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

:iagree:

Halien is DEAD ON.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

She cheated on your back with a POS, she confessed it to you in the belief that you will end the marriage but you didn't, so she went out of her family for what? to screw the OM under your nose without any interference from you. She don't want you in between her and her OM, but you persuaded her for Repair then she realized her back up plan is still open to her. So she disrespected you and treated you like a trash else she wouldn't have told you she will end it when she want it,

Now she is gone, why you want to peruse her and show yourself to her as a Cuckold who will tolerate anything to be with her? why should she respect a person who don't have any self respect?

you already lost her to OM, let she enjoy her life while you move on with your life, Let her go........

Issue her with D papers, don't allow her to define your life.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

Your only hope for attaining any self respect is to go on the attack. Out her and him. Cut off finances. See a lawyer and get started on the divorce.

I can tell you that in my first marriage to a serially cheating wife, my biggest source of shame was how I allowed myself to be treated.
In my second marriage, when my wife started cheating, I cut off the $$, exposed her, exposed the OM and divorced her immediately. I feel much better about how I handled the whole ordeal. I did not allow myself to be mistreated.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You should call the gym and talk to the boss. Tell him his training is doing your wife and that you are going to post as many public reviews of the gym warning people about it as you can.

Yelp being the first and you'll go from there.

As for R? I don't see how that is at possible. You took her to Paris, and just a month later she is hooking up with him. Not only don't I see R being possible after what she chose to do, I think you should sue her for the cost to the Paris trip in the divorce. 

She knows what she is choosing and she knows that she is a cheater, she don't care how much it hurts or humiliates you.


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

This is a tough situation because of the low status and youth of the OM. Of course, both work in your favor.

While I don't agree that it was 100% that your wife initiated it - a high sex-drive 29 year old personal trainer is perfectly capable of working his pick-up skills on older women to rack up scores in the hundreds - your wife was vulnerable to his lines. 

Her lack of judgment is astounding. I agree with all who say a cut off is necessary to snap her out of her fornication festival with Mr. Six Pack Abs.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Dude, just have her served with divorce papers. That should be enough to slap some reality her way. Maybe enough to shake some of that fog away. Having life and the consquences of her actions crashing down around her.

I mean, really? Do you honestly think that some dude that's half her age is gonna stick around for the long haul? Seriously doubt it.

And what about this guy? What do you know about him? Does he have a girlfriend or a wife? What about his parents? I'm sure mom would LOVE to hear that the son she raised is sleeping with a married woman and breaking up a marriage and destroying a family.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I know your hurting brother, but can you make this any easier for her?
You haven't exposed the A. You haven't stopped joint accounts,cell, gym memeberships, trainer cost. You haven't had her served D papers.

She knows its bad but has she had to face any real consequences?

She hasn't even suffered any emotional consequences from you as you continue to engage her.

Stop being an enabler and maybe the addict will turn a corner. Hell have an intervention with all your friends and family and have it at the gym. Seriously you need to put the screws to her...get her pissed off

You are *NOT* making this affair inconvienent and uncomfortable, so A continues.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

To all the husbands out there reading this, BEWARE THE PERSONAL TRAINER!


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

I hate to be redundant, but she is the ultimate cake eater. You are behaving like the ultimate enabler. She has no motive to change her situation. You need to respect yourself; it's obvious that she doesn't. Time to knock her off the fence. Serve divorce papers and be prepared to follow through if she doesn't see the light.


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

Copdoc, not to pile on, but you are seeing some seriously astute advice here. When all is said and done, your marriage means nothing if you don't have your dignity and self-respect. You're being hit over the head here, but the point is that in life, our self-respect is really all we have to count on. You can have all the friends, family, vacations, money, appearances and distinctions among your community...but if you don't stand up for yourself and respect yourself you have nothing. 

So I'm sorry the trend of advice you're seeing seems along the lines of "giving up" on your marriage and filing for divorce, but right now it's the only way to not give up on yourself. That's what most of us have realized after going through something as painful, confusing and gut wrenching as having our "love" cheat and lie to us. You'll come out on top, but it's time to be Danny Ocean. Do for you. It's not selfish, it's the golden rule...looked at from the other side. The rest will come.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Almost every single infidelity story that I've ever read on this board and other boards that involve gyms or health clubs, seem to involve a physical trainer. Why is that?
> 
> Seems like a physical trainer has his pick since sex is getting thrown at them from all these cougars and milfs. While I hate douchbag trainers that ruin marriages, I can understand the temptation that results from all these women coming on to them all the time.


It's like being lead guitarist in a rock band. The same girls, just 30 years later.


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## kylies72 (May 16, 2012)

Hi,

I am so sorry to hear your news but I can tell you this.

Once a cheater, always a cheater. There is no point hanging around for a person that really has no interest in her marriage but really when it comes down to it YOU ARE JUST CONVENIENT if all falls over with this personal trainer.

I am 40 years old, I have been married for 19 years and have three kids, two boys 15 & 13 and one girl 12. I can tell you this, ever since learning that my husband was cheating on me 6 months ago. It is making me a stronger person as my divorce slowly progresses.

You are the only one to make the move but at the end of the day, do you want to be someones doormat because that is exactly what she is doing to you.

Appoint a Solicitor and get this divorce underway as you deserve better. 

In regards to your marriage being saved. Well I really think it is hard for a marriage to be saved after that vital issue of trust is broken. Trust factors into so much in a relationship and if you cant trust and lets face it you will always wonder when she is not around in the future if she was seeing someone else. 

I wish you all the best and hope that you see the light.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

The OP (copdoc) hasn't logged in since his last post. He's gone or just lurking. Probably another BS who thought the advice too harsh and just went to rug sweep the affair.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> The OP (copdoc) hasn't logged in since his last post. He's gone or just lurking. Probably another BS who thought the advice too harsh and just went to rug sweep the affair.


I agree LM.

I think he wants to hear nice reassuring things about his cheater wife, but IMO, it's better to hear the truth so you can really decide with a clear and fully informed head whether or not you want to work on the marriage.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> The OP (copdoc) hasn't logged in since his last post. He's gone or just lurking. Probably another BS who thought the advice too harsh and just went to rug sweep the affair.




If so, then May god help him................


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## kylies72 (May 16, 2012)

Its a shame that people continue in their marriage when they do not feel safe. If he felt safe he would not have posted on this website.

As I said, I hope that one day he sees the light.


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## copdoc (Apr 19, 2012)

I'm still here! I am working night shift now (ans past 2 nights) so haven't been able to log back on until now.
Yes, the advice I've been getting hurts! But I realize ALL of you are right, and I TRULY appreciate the support and "intervention".
I told her yesterday I wanted a divorce. Her resonse was dumbfounding! She said she was "confused" and didn't see us ending this way ?!), but said she respected my need for closure. She said she wouldn't let me pressure her into making a decision (which I clearly told her I wasn't doing; I paraphrased the "Let them go" essay and told her I was no longer an option).


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## copdoc (Apr 19, 2012)

As much as I hate to admit it, I realize you are all right about reconciliation being futile. I like Halien's view about reconciliation: her having to pursue me 100% and making every effort to win me back. Could I trust her if she came back?! I honestly don't know! My heart and the way I still feel about her now tells me I could but my head tells me what you guys are saying: why would I want her back after the way she's been treating me?!
As for the finances, I agree with cutting her off but Florida doesn't have legal separation. Therefore, I will need to give her some support until the divorce is final, and once it's final I will owe her some alimony (not life-time, but for a certain period of time). In other words, I would still be "financing her"!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Also expose that affair. If you don't want to track down the husbands of the other women he's cheating with,at least call the club and explain their trainer quickly moved in and sexual pursued your wife , his client and their rep, and you are informing then you demand they take action or you will be posting numerous warning review about their club and trainers and there won't be a husband left who will permit his wife to train there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

copdoc said:


> I'm still here! I am working night shift now (ans past 2 nights) so haven't been able to log back on until now.
> Yes, the advice I've been getting hurts! But I realize ALL of you are right, and I TRULY appreciate the support and "intervention".
> I told her yesterday I wanted a divorce. Her resonse was dumbfounding! She said she was "confused" and didn't see us ending this way ?!), but said she respected my need for closure. She said she wouldn't let me pressure her into making a decision (which I clearly told her I wasn't doing; I paraphrased the "Let them go" essay and told her I was no longer an option).


Nice work. Isn't amazing that she still feels like she has standing to call the shots? Tells you something about her sense of entitlement and her lack of empathy.
She is, contrary to what you used to beleive, not a good person. Probably never was but she had her mask on.
You deserve so muchbetter than this pitiful fool.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Also expose that affair. If you don't want to track down the husbands of the other women he's cheating with,at least call the club and explain their trainer quickly moved in and sexual pursued your wife , his client and their rep, and you are informing then you demand they take action or you will be posting numerous warning review about their club and trainers and there won't be a husband left who will permit his wife to train there.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, please share your thinking / plans in this regard.


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## copdoc (Apr 19, 2012)

I am beginning to see that BigLiam, and that hurts more than anything (to think that the 13 years together were quite possibly all a big lie on her part).


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## copdoc (Apr 19, 2012)

I was hesitant to call the gym where I think he's still working. He was let go from the location she used to work out at with him (she ended her membership, by the way). I am not sure if he's working at their other branch or not, but either way I will call both locations Friday (when I am off) to expose him as you all recommend.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

copdoc said:


> I was hesitant to call the gym where I think he's still working. He was let go from the location she used to work out at with him (she ended her membership, by the way). I am not sure if he's working at their other branch or not, but either way I will call both locations Friday (when I am off) to expose him as you all recommend.


Eh, all the better, maybe you can hint at the fact that he was let go from the other location, maybe he has even less good will where he's working now.

Yes, I suppose one doesn't actually need a membership when one is dating a trainer...sorry, cheap shot, I know


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

copdoc said:


> I am beginning to see that BigLiam, and that hurts more than anything (to think that the 13 years together were quite possibly all a big lie on her part).


You are right, but don't forget that you hit her with a stance that she absolutely did not expect. First, if that's not what she was already doing by telling you that she wouldn't let you dictate her decision process regarding the OM, she will try to see if you really mean what you said by pushing back. If she can see the futility of her current situation through the fog at all, there is also the possibility that she might even probe a little, looking to see if you will offer her a way back. Regardless of the direction you choose, it sounds like you are beginning to get your bearings. I'm just so sorry for the pain you are going through.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

*that hurts more than anything (to think that the 13 years together were quite possibly all a big lie on her part). *

The 13 years together was not a lie. This is a recent occurrence. This may be her first affair. She is not very good at hiding it. Your description of it almost makes me feel sorry for her. She comes off as being a little pathetic. This is someone who truly is very confused - amazing that she will throw away her marriage for something even she knows is "an addiction and a fantasy." She is both the perpetrator and the victim - the perpetrator of your pain and the end of your marriage and the victim of her own addiction.

_At the end of March *she told me she knew it was an addiction and a fantasy* and was ready to call it off for good. She ended it one night, but 8 days later *told me she just couldn't let him go*! She told me she didn't want to work on our marriage "right now". I offered divorce but she said she wasn't sure that's what she wanted either!_


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

copdoc said:


> I'm still here! I am working night shift now (ans past 2 nights) so haven't been able to log back on until now.
> Yes, the advice I've been getting hurts! But I realize ALL of you are right, and I TRULY appreciate the support and "intervention".
> I told her yesterday I wanted a divorce. Her resonse was dumbfounding! She said she was "confused" and didn't see us ending this way ?!), but said she respected my need for closure. She said she wouldn't let me pressure her into making a decision (which I clearly told her I wasn't doing; I paraphrased the "Let them go" essay and told her I was no longer an option).


Next time she says " she is "confused" and didn't see us ending this way ?!)", that tell her you didn't see her ....ing another man either. It's okay to stand up for yourself when she says something stupid/hurtful.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

You need to 180 this fool. You could lose IQ points just being around her.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Just like she is addicted to the OM, you are addicted to her. You know how an addiction is treated? abstinence. You have to "go dark" (no contact) as much as you can. The longer you do this, the better you'll feel that you can live without her and move on with your life. If you find yourself emotionally overwhelmed, then go see your doctor. You must take care of you.


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## copdoc (Apr 19, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> Eh, all the better, maybe you can hint at the fact that he was let go from the other location, maybe he has even less good will where he's working now.
> 
> Yes, I suppose one doesn't actually need a membership when one is dating a trainer...sorry, cheap shot, I know


That was a cheap shot!


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## copdoc (Apr 19, 2012)

morituri, you are right! I am "addicted" to her. However, reading all of the posts from you wonderful people is really giving me hope, strength, and fueling my anger, which is exactly what I need to replace the compassion and love I've had for her. 
Like devastated 3343, my STBXW was my BFF, my lover, my confidant, my everything. However, I am finally seeing that life will go on without her, and, quite possibly, better than before (I hope!)


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

copdoc that woman no longer exists. The woman who inhabits that body is a totally different one than the one you knew - under "new management" so to speak - and should be treated as such. Keep that in mind.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

morituri said:


> copdoc that woman no longer exists. The woman who inhabits that body is a totally different one than the one you knew - under "new management" so to speak - and should be treated as such. Keep that in mind.


Assuming she existed in the first place. More likely this is who she has always been, IMO.


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## copdoc (Apr 19, 2012)

I agree morituri. BigLiam, I have to admit I am wondering if you are right. I hate to sound like a fellow rookie (devastated3343), but I feel the same way he does:confused! I would like to think that I really got to know her during the past 12-13 years together and that she's gone from "being so tender to and ice princess" because I have been replaced by the O.M., and not that she never was whom I thought she was! Either way, it still sucks, still hurts, and feels like such a loss.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Your marriage is already dead, she killed it by her cheating. You cant have your previous marriage and wife back both are tainted.

Why you want some one who dont have enough love or respect for you?
Life is short, you canot waste your time by perusing some one who dont care about you.


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## copdoc (Apr 19, 2012)

What does IMO mean?!


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## copdoc (Apr 19, 2012)

You are right


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

copdoc said:


> What does IMO mean?!


in my opinion


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## copdoc (Apr 19, 2012)

TBT said:


> in my opinion


I should have known that!


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

copdoc said:


> That was a cheap shot!


I'm very sorry and if you know me I did not post that to poke at you unmercifully.

You say you are very confused about her--and given what she likes to say to you, that is not very surprising.

Here is the simple answer when someone says something and does another: you pay attention to their ACTIONS, NOT THEIR WORDS.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

copdoc said:


> I'm still here! I am working night shift now (ans past 2 nights) so haven't been able to log back on until now.
> Yes, the advice I've been getting hurts! But I realize ALL of you are right, and I TRULY appreciate the support and "intervention".
> I told her yesterday I wanted a divorce. Her resonse was dumbfounding! She said she was "confused" and didn't see us ending this way ?!), but said she respected my need for closure. *She said she wouldn't let me pressure her into making a decision* (which I clearly told her I wasn't doing; I paraphrased the "Let them go" essay and told her I was no longer an option).


Actually you just told her that you will not live in an open marriage. She wants to cake eat. That is her confusion. 

There really is no decision for her to make. You gace her every chance. Her priority is her new lifestyle.

No husband or wife for that matter should be placed into the situation you have been put. This is her doing.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She already made her decision. You are just now making yours in response
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

copdoc said:


> I told her yesterday I wanted a divorce. Her resonse was dumbfounding! She said she was "confused" and didn't see us ending this way ?!), but said she respected my need for closure. She said she wouldn't let me pressure her into making a decision (which I clearly told her I wasn't doing; I paraphrased the "Let them go" essay and told her I was no longer an option).


You might think that you weren't using divorce as a way to pressure her out of the affair but I think you are and she knows it and sees it as a manipulative tactic rather than a true course of action. Given your inaction to date, she really has no reason to think otherwise. People don't usually just grow a spine..

Why tell her anything? Just see an attorney and file papers and have her served!

The answer is because you really don't want to divorce her and to some extent you're hoping that you mentioning the D word will somehow bring her to her senses, she'll end the affair and all will be well.

It won't.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

File ASAP. The moment she gets served, she will know that you are ending the open marriage for good, you're moving on with your life and that as far as you are concerned, she can go fvck as many men as she wants.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Get to a lawyer and have her served ASAP, she' calling your bluff.

Just like you think you have gotten to know her after 13 years, she has gotten to know you and she thinks after 13 years she has your number. Prove her wrong and take action.....fast. Show her the new copdoc. Tell your lawyer you want everything, even if he think you want get it, your WW will have a chance to counter.

My thinking her is when she see's you going for blood it might bring her around when she really sees the possible consequences.

Again until she turns a corner and start to chase you and the marriage all is lost anyway. Especially if she is still contacting OM.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

morituri said:


> File ASAP. The moment she gets served, she will know that you are ending the open marriage for good, you're moving on with your life and that as far as you are concerned, she can go fvck as many men as she wants.


I agree. The best most honest approach,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

copdoc said:


> As much as I hate to admit it, I realize you are all right about reconciliation being futile. I like Halien's view about reconciliation: her having to pursue me 100% and making every effort to win me back. Could I trust her if she came back?! I honestly don't know! My heart and the way I still feel about her now tells me I could but my head tells me what you guys are saying: why would I want her back after the way she's been treating me?!
> As for the finances, I agree with cutting her off but Florida doesn't have legal separation. Therefore, I will need to give her some support until the divorce is final, and once it's final I will owe her some alimony (not life-time, but for a certain period of time). In other words, I would still be "financing her"!


She's not living with you right?

Cut her off from any money you make. She has abandoned her family. Sure if she gets hungry she can come home. I'm not even sure what kind of logic you are using here. What you are really showing her is that you don't havethe backbone the OM has.

If you haven't read "No More Mister Nice Guy" yet, you are not really even trying to save your family.

Good luck with that.


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## copdoc (Apr 19, 2012)

At work again! I have taken your advice and contacted my lawyer yesterday. I will be serving her papers next week. 
As far as backbone, I disagree. I realize all of you mean well with your bold/harsh/in your face advice, but I don't feel I have acted much differently than many other men in my situation. Maybe I did drag this out longer than I should have, but I needed to get to the point where I was ready to let her go. I am at that point now...not happy about it, but realize there is no alternative. Thank you ALL for your wisdom, support, and advice. I will let you know shortly how things go. I know I am far from being healed...I feel confident one minute and sad the next, and also pissed off at her but at the same time wishing I could get her back. I am so sick of this rollercoaster of emotions!!


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## copdoc (Apr 19, 2012)

Northland, you are right. Deep down inside I was hoping the D word would get her to come crawling back to me. She didn't! Therefore, as painful as it is to have another marriage (second) fail, and as painful as it is to have her treated me like she has, I am proceeding with the divorce.


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## copdoc (Apr 19, 2012)

the guy said:


> Get to a lawyer and have her served ASAP, she' calling your bluff.
> 
> Just like you think you have gotten to know her after 13 years, she has gotten to know you and she thinks after 13 years she has your number. Prove her wrong and take action.....fast. Show her the new copdoc. Tell your lawyer you want everything, even if he think you want get it, your WW will have a chance to counter.
> 
> ...


Sad, but true.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

In addition to having her served:

1. Stop giving her money. Cancel joint CC, no more cash. Move 50% of cash out of any joint accounts.

2. Expose her cheating to friends and family.

3. hire a PI to get the dirt of the OM. He's not in love with her. She's too old for him. HE's just getting easy sex from a woman in a MLC. Find out what other women he is currently doing this with too, and expose to their husbands. Expose the women to each other. Let them realize what idiots they have been played for.

The short time it took for this guy to move in shows he does this as part of his normal routine. Train them, compliment, meet for special "sessions", sex.

time for this player to get his.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Expose her.... expose,expose, expose... or she will blame you for the failure of the marriage and make you out to be the bad guy.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

copdoc said:


> At work again! I have taken your advice and contacted my lawyer yesterday. I will be serving her papers next week.
> As far as backbone, I disagree. I realize all of you mean well with your bold/harsh/in your face advice, but I don't feel I have acted much differently than many other men in my situation. Maybe I did drag this out longer than I should have, but I needed to get to the point where I was ready to let her go. I am at that point now...not happy about it, but realize there is no alternative. Thank you ALL for your wisdom, support, and advice. I will let you know shortly how things go. I know I am far from being healed...I feel confident one minute and sad the next, and also pissed off at her but at the same time wishing I could get her back. I am so sick of this rollercoaster of emotions!!


I empathize and feel the same. It took me six months to get to the point of filing for divorce. 

It was not that I lacked a backbone, I was just in shock and denial.

It can take up to six months for shock and denial to wear off.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I have also two marriages under my belt. My first wife died of cancer and second wife I divorced because she cheated on me. Yet despite the horrible end of these two marriages, here I am in another committed relationship - I guess you can say I don't know when to quit. 

Everything eventually comes to an end, including relationships. That is part of the nature of our existence. Despite your feelings to the contrary, it is NOT the end of the world but simply another chapter closing in the book titled 'My Life'. *You will make it, trust me.*


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