# New to forum...really need advice!



## Kysmom (Aug 2, 2007)

Hi everybody! I'm new to this forum and really need some advice about my marriage. I'm 25 years old and have been married to my 32 year old husband for almost a year. It is the first marriage for each of us and we've been together 3 1/2 years in total. I have a 4 1/2 year old son from a previous relationship who my husband plans to adopt.

Now that you have the background info, let me start by saying that I do love my husband, but our marriage is nothing like I expected and I'm starting to wonder if I really can live with him for the rest of our lives. 

The problems pretty much started when my husband quit his job three weeks before the wedding last year. He didn't start working again until over two months later. We had take back all of our shower gifts to finish paying for the reception and we had to cancel our honeymoon. We also had to use all of our wedding gift money to pay rent and bills. By the end of February we had gotten so far behind with our bills that we had to move in with my mother. At that time he decided to quit his current job and try starting his own business. I tried to be supportive during all of this, but by the end of May he still wasn't working and the business wasn't bringing in much profit. I was starting to get annoyed that he wasn't really looking for anything else. Finally, by June he got a part time job and his business was becoming more successful as well, but unfortunately that is not where our problems end. 

I just feel like my husband isn't interested in being a "husband" in the full sense of the word. As soon as we moved in with my mother my husband got into the habit of playing video games with my 21 year old brother until 6 am. Though, his bedtime has gotten a little earlier in the past few months, I still cannot remember the last time he went to bed with me. I can go to bed at 11 pm or 2 am, he always comes hours later. He also has a "rule" that he needs atleast 2 or 3 nights a week to do something without me, away from home. Recently, it has only been about once a week, but you can guarantee that atleast once every week, on a weeknight, he will go to hang out with friends and I have no idea when he will be home. He doesn't go out to bars or clubs, he usually just plays cards or watches something on T.V., but I'm not allowed to ask when he might be home. I usually go to bed and wake up every hour until I know he's home safely. It's not that I need him to be here with me, I just like to know he's safe and to have an idea of when I can expect him home. But he says that it's pathetic that I can't sleep when he's gone and that he wants a wife not a mother. 

I could go on and on about so many things that he does that I think are very selfish. For instance, we were going to take a short cruise for our anniversary, but once again we aren't going to be able to afford it. I would do pretty much anything and since we have never been anywhere alone for more than one night, I'm determined to go somewhere. But he flat out refuses to go anywhere if it's not the beach. We can't take off for more than a long weekend and the closest beach is 9 hours away. Besides, he rufuses to drive more than 6 or 7 hours. I love theme parks and we both love baseball and I have suggested going to a big city and watching a ball game, but he doesn't want to go unless it's Yankee Stadium, and NYC is too expensive and far away. I suggested going to a big theme park that I've wanted to go to for years, he told me to find someone else to go with because it doesn't interest him and it's selfish for me to expect to go.

Those are just a few examples of what's bothering me about my husband, but the biggest issue we have is sex. He simply isn't interested. We are intimate about once a month and I'm even starting to lose interest at this point. I can't say anything flirty to him or even playfully suggest sex becasue he will roll his eyes. He is affectionate and loving with me when he knows it won't lead anywhere and he definitely draws a line. When sex does happen it is on his terms. Like the other night, it had been over a month since we'd been intimate. He came to bed three hours after me and he woke me up saying I looked sexy laying there and kissing me passionately, which is a definite sign that he wants to be intimate. While I was glad that it was happening, I was exhausted, and a little annoyed knowing that I had to get up for work in a few short hours. It lasted just long enough to satisfy him (as usual) and then it was over. Afterward he asked me if I "Had fun" (he asks this every time) but he did nothing to ensure that I was "having fun". I'm left feeling almost more frustrated than I was before we were intimate. I've had so many talks with him about why he doesn't seem to be interested in sex and about how I'm not satisfied. It was a little bit of a problem before we got married, but has gotten much worse since. I would understand if he had a problem, medical or otherwise that was affecting his libido, but he doesn't think there's a problem and believes that if I want sex more than once a month that I'm a "fiend" and that I'm being selfish if I expect him to do it when he doesn't want to. I'm very fit and am told how attractive I am often, I also think I have a good personality. But when my husband doesn't seem to have a desire for me, it takes it's toll on my self esteem. 

Well, I know this has seemed to go on and on. I sometimes have a hard time gathering my thoughts, and I apologize for that. I just feel like I'm at a point where I need some advice about what to do. I love my husband and while he does have good qualities, it's the issues that I've mentioned that have left me feeling unhappy and unsure of whether or not I can deal with this for the rest of my life. Feel free to ask any questions you want and I thank you in advance for any advice!


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## Kath3015 (Jul 29, 2007)

My thought is to get into marriage counseling. To me he seems too old to behaving like he's still a teen,ie., playing video games, going out several times a week without you. It's like he wants to be married, but also live as if he's single. With the sex it almost sounds like a control/power thing to me. Do you know if he's into porn and satisfying himself?? 

Don't think that you can't afford counseling. My husband and I found a place via an internet search that is local and they base their prices on your income. It does help..


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## Kysmom (Aug 2, 2007)

Thanks Kath. In response to your question about porn...he's not into it other than looking at a few playboy pics online every now and then and usually that's in front of me. Also, since we live with my mom, son, and brother, the only place he'd ever be able to satisfy himself would be in the bathroom because there is always someone at the house and, like I said, he's never in our bedroom. 
Also, I'd love to get counseling, but he doesn't want to because he doesn't think there's a problem. He thinks the only reason there's a problem is because I complain. In other words, he thinks I create the problems. I may consider going to counseling on my own on a regular basis, but I'm not sure how much good that would do. I actually found a place where you could get 3 complimentary counseling sessions if you didn't have insurance, and I went a couple of months ago. By the end of the last session he had come to the conclusion that my problems were A. a mother who over-steps her boundaries and B. a narccissistic husband. The first I can agree with because it's very obvious. However, I'm not sure how he can come to such a conclusion about my husband without talking with him first. Anyway, thanks again. I just get so frustrated with him sometimes and really need a place to vent and people that understand.


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## JustMe (Jul 30, 2007)

Hi Kysmom!
Honestly, I don't think I could live like that in a marriage. I can completely understand needing a "guys night" even once a week. No biggie. But 3 or 4 nights a week?? What would he do if you came up with the same "rule" for yourself? (Not that you would) I don't think it matters how many compliments we get from other men; if our husband isn't interested in us, it's a total ego killer. I think even individual counseling is a great idea. If anything it may help you fell a little better about yourself. I'm not telling you what to do, but were I in your shoes, I think it would be time for him to decide whether the actions you decribed are worth losing you. I worry that soon you won't have much "you" left and you won't have the energy/self esteem to do anything about it. I hope things get better for you! Keep posting if you need to!
~Sarah


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## Kysmom (Aug 2, 2007)

Thank you for your response Sarah. Unfortunately, I think the situation got worse tonight, although I did get some things off my chest, but I still feel really frustrated. 
See, for the past few months we have planned on going to this concert on Friday night, although we haven't gotten the tickets yet. At first a few of our friends were going to go with us, but they backed out. However I was still under the impression that we were going. In fact, as recently as this past Friday I mentioned to my husband that the concert was just a week away and he said "Wow, already? Well we'll still go." Then yesterday he broke the news that he and a few of his male cousins were planning on going to a ballgame Friday night. I asked him about the concert and he said he had forgotten. Nothing else was said about it until tonight when he made me check the time of the concert to make sure I'd get off of work in time to make it before it started. When we realized that I would you could just see the disappointment written all over his face. So I said "What? You'd rather go to the game?" And he said "Well yeah, but I guess I'll go to the concert if you want me to, even though I told the guys I'd go to the game." Then he went on to say that he'd just rather go to a game than a concert, so I said I'd be happy to go to a game. He was like "OK, we'll go sometime next week." He also said that he would've wanted to go to the concert more if our firends hadn't backed out. This disappointed me because it made me feel like he would rather do anything than do something with me, it also made me feel like he puts everything before me and will only do something with me when there is nothing else going on. I mentioned this to him and he said that I was just being a baby. 
In addition to this argument, his phone rang while we were discussing the concert and he goes into the other room and I hear him say "Yeah, man I can be there" I asked where he was going, he said some of the guys decided to get together tonight. I reminded him that he had gone out Thurs. and Sat. nights, and would now be going out Friday night and is going out of town next week for two nights. He said "yeah, I'm a big boy, I don't see any reason to get permission to do anything and I don't see anything wrong with it." So we got into a discussion about how I don't feel like he behaves like a married man with a family and that evolved into a conversation about sex in which he informed me that he had wanted to tonight but now he didn't want to because my talking about it with him was a huge turn-off and now it will be weeks for sure before he's in the mood again. I told him how hard it is on me that I can't even flirt with him in a suggestive way because he will roll his eyes and say "Gaaaaaaawww" I told him that it's important to have intimacy in a relationship and his response was "So if I wanted to do it twice a day and you wanted to do it three times would we have a problem?" I told him no, that that's quite different from me wanting it once a week and him once a month or less and that something is wrong with that. He then said that I think I'm so mistreated and he's really tired of the "poor me" attitude and if I'm so unhappy why don't I just divorce him and get it over with and then he'd tell everyone that I left him because I wanted to have sex more than he did. He also asked if I would really be happy if I found a guy who wanted to do it all the time and that's it. And he said that if we divorced it would be bad for my son because I'd be dragging guys in and out of his life and why would I want to do that to him. The conversation finally ended when he asked what I wanted him to do and I said I wanted him to see a counselor with me and he replied with "I'll go when you can find a counsleor that will make me want to have sex more" I asked if he thought that was impossible and he said "Pretty much". I just don't know what to do. He says he's perfectly happy and that I'm just looking for problems. I also think that if I was to leave him he wouldn't really care. He'd honestly feel like he did nothing wrong and that it was all on me. If it really is my fault I want to know so I can do what I need to do to fix it. I just don't know what to think or do or who to talk to.


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## JustMe (Jul 30, 2007)

Your husband's attitude really ticks me off! Sorry. Can't help it. He's the one who needs to grow up, not you! He took the more insignificant part of the conversation (not that sex isn't important, it is!) and turned it into a major deal and made it your fault! Not to mention that he had a totally weak argument! He's with-holding(sp?) sex now as a punisment to you! And men say only women do that!:slap: Yes, divorce sucks, but who is he to say that you'd have men in and out of your son's life?? I didn't meet my step-sons until my DH and I knew we had something good. It wasn't a casual thing, so it's not always that way! I don't have a whole lot of advice, but I hate to see you being treated this way and I think your feeling are justified. 
Hang in there, and let us know how it's going!


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## Kysmom (Aug 2, 2007)

Thanks for your response! We had been getting along really well since the big blow up the other night. That is, until about 20 minutes ago. So, he went to the baseball game tonight with his cousin which was about 1 hour and a 1/2 away from where we live. I had made peace with his decision not to go to the concert with me and to go to the game instead and I decided not to just sit at home and to go out with some friends from work. My husband promised to call when the game was over and let me know he was on his way home. Well, I just left the place where I was with my friends and had a message from my husband at about 10:30 pm. The game wasn't over yet, they had decided to just leave a little early and go to the casino boat. This infuriated me! Number 1 because we are not in the best financial state right now and we can't just go blowing money at the boat, not to mention the fact that he's going with a bunch of friends for two days this coming week and we have a poker game at a friend's house tomorrow night. Number 2 because every time he goes to the boat he tends to stay there until 8 or 9 am which means he won't be home until 10 or 11 am, around the time I'll be getting up. So not only did I not see him at all today, I won't see him tomorrow either because he'll be sleeping the day away and not interracting at all with me or my son. I also hate going to bed at night not having any idea when he's going to be home or if he's making home safely. Myabe I am a baby to be bothered by these things, I don't know. I called him as soon as I got in the car and told him I was irritated. He said "of course". I really don't have a problem with everything he does. Hell, I was being pretty agreeable considering he cancelled plans with me to go to the game in the first place. And also that this is the fourth night in a week that he's been gone and one of the nights that he was here he didn't come to bed until I was getting up for work, and he's going away for two days and nights this coming week. I think I'm a pretty damn agreeable wife. But if I have a problem with ANYTHING ever then he immediately starts saying that I'm a nag and I always have a problem and he doesn't need a mother. Basically for us to get along at all I have to just keep my mouth shut and let him do whatever he wants to do whenever he wants to do it, including sex. Oh yeah, and he also says that when I complain about something it turns him off of me sexually as well. I don't know. If I'm not justified in my complaints then I want to know and I'll do what I need to do to keep them to myself. But I really feel justified here. And I'm about to pull my hair out! And what great sleep I'm going to get tonight too, by the way, with my husband a couple of hours away and me having no idea what time he plans on coming home. Well, sorry to keep going on and on, I'm just sooooo pissed right now!


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## mamab (Jun 29, 2007)

I think it's time for him to grow up, and I'd hold off on letting him adopt your son until he can prove he can be responsible for a child. That means working and being a husband, not being an irresponsible kid!


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## katharina (Jun 29, 2007)

mamab said:


> I think it's time for him to grow up, and I'd hold off on letting him adopt your son until he can prove he can be responsible for a child. That means working and being a husband, not being an irresponsible kid!


This would be my answer, too. I see a lot of immaturity here on his part and I think that he seriously needs to learn how to be a husband and realize that his teen years are gone and won't be returning.


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## vinnys_girl (Aug 15, 2007)

wow i can't see how you can live in a marriage like this. Being married to someone means being respected and loved by that person and it seems to me that he's not showing either one of those things to you right now. I'm not sure what you should do in this situation but it just makes me mad reading about how he treats you.


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## SageMother (Jun 28, 2007)

Don't let him adopt your son. In your shoes I would kick him out and file for divorce. It wouldn't invest myself in him one more second!


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## steelcurtain (Aug 25, 2007)

~ I've been following this thread and I missed the part where you need him in your life. A marriage is not about any of the scenerios you were describing, he really needs to refocus his efforts on getting a job, and getting out of your moms house rather than the boat.

he needs to grow up. My opinion is pretty straight forward SEE YA!


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## wildmane (Aug 30, 2007)

I feel for you, your "husband" and I use that term loosely, is acting like a self absorbed child. I would get out of the relationship at this point. He's neither acting like a husband or a father to your son. 
I was in a similar situation with my marriage, it took me almost 5 years to end it. In the end I was relieved beyond belief. It was the best thing I ever did for myself. Think about your son, do you really want him to grow up with this man as a "role model"? A marriage is about a partnership, both parties contribute to the relationship. Each others happiness should be important to the other. Both people give 100% to the marriage. You are currently living with your parents right? Talk with them, are they supportive of you, would they allow you to stay there till you and your son were able to get your own place? If so, then I'd be saying "see ya" now. You deserve someone who enhances your happiness, not drags you down. Sex is an important part of a relationship, any well rounded adult knows this.
I wish you the best....leaving this man won't be a piece of cake, you will grieve the loss of the marriage and that is ok, it will help you to move on. There is better out there, and even if there wasn't I'd rather live by myself with my son than with someone who is so selfish and only concerned about himself. Good luck


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