# How Much Does He NOT know about you?



## DameEdna (Aug 26, 2009)

Hia Folks

Just as my question asks..... most spouses know pretty much all they need to know about their other halves....

There's a lot mine doesnt know about me.

And I feel there's things I dont know about him either.

Ok, so you cant 101% know everything about a person, but surely if you are married, you should know at least 99%:scratchhead:


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

DameEdna said:


> Hia Folks
> 
> Just as my question asks..... most spouses know pretty much all they need to know about their other halves....
> 
> ...


WOWEEEE My favorite topic.

I would say that most couples DONT know everything there is to know about each other.
Lets set the past aside (or leave it in the past).

Think about the thoughts you have, pay attention to the fleeting thoughts you never dare share...the fantasies, the evil the dark, the secret wishes. Those things SHOULD be shared in my opinion. I think dancing nancie made a post about sharing fantasies with his woman. And from that sharing, came the trust to share many other things for them. 
That sharing of thought is the best communication possible. Knowing where your partner is on things... sexually and otherwise is like THE key to understanding and makes all things possible for a couple.

Im a FAN... 99%!!! maybe 100%!!

GREAT topic.


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## Holding Pattern (Dec 31, 2009)

I'd say we know 95% at least...probably more, we're quite open.


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## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

I've learned alot about my husband since we've been together...much more since we've been married. I never was curious about his past relationships, etc...and therefore know very little about those experiences, except what I gleaned from his conversations while hanging out with old friends.


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## mujer_rota (Feb 10, 2010)

of course, share things. But everyone needs their own private time/thoughts as well.. maybe not such a high percentage or sharing?


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## Momof3kids (Nov 24, 2009)

When we were newly married, I would argue that we knew everything about each other. After 18 years together, three kids, and 12 years married, I would say that we know less and less about each other because we've both changed so much since our teens and early twenties...

Ideally, I think you SHOULD be able to tell your partner anything. In reality, I think it's very rare.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

I think they should no big things (things that may pop up and then its the "why didn't you tell me X" - I mean BIG things. Everything else - of course you don't know it all - wouldn't life be boring if you knew everything about the person you spend your life with. Part of what keeps a marriage going is learning new things about each other as you go along.


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## pleasehelpme (Feb 14, 2010)

See my post in 'considering a divorce'.. THat is exactly my problem ladies. I married someone who I thought was so perfect... we had talked about our past, but nothing too detailed as I didin't think it was important.. Well 3 years alter and with a 1 year old child I found out that before he met me he had an ongoing thing (affair) with an older married woman... he surely kept that a secret because he knew I was moralistic and wouldn't marry him if I knew that past.. well now i know and feel like the past 3 years with him has been a lie... Is this a deal breaker??? He has never cheated on me and claims he loves me to death and would kill himself if i left him.. blah blah.. we are currently sleeping in separate rooms and only talk when its about our child.. I am so mad, hurt and angry.. Should I be contemplating divorce over somethng (albeit a HUGE something) that happened in the past before he met me??? Help!


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

I think the "everything" being referenced here needs to be defined. So... "vino" definition:

Everything= Sharing as much as possible thoughts and feelings which help your partner understand what really is going on in your head. Its about being open to "who you are" spriritually, emotionally and sexually. This (to me) should take place during your relationship. 

I see people worried about knowing everything. I'd ask a question. Are the thoughts, and fastasies you have today the same as they were a year a go, a couple years ago or 10 years ago? hope not. People are ever evolving and changing ideas, so I really dont see the risk of boredom.. In fact the opposite, I see the potential for HUGE fun and happiness. 

Dunno.. willing to find out im wrong for sure. If you dont share who you are, then who does your partner love? If your not open, your partner loves the idea YOU present and maybe not the real you, which seems a shame to me.

We are NOT NOT NOT talking about the past here. Its not necessary to know what happened to a person in life before you, in order for you to love them. You love them for who they are? or you dont.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

CORRECT!!! If she wants to share> Id be happy to listen however its not relevant to me unless it has some bearing on the present... like she had kids or other "thing" in the past which affects the present.


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## pleasehelpme (Feb 14, 2010)

I guess you are right.. it doesn't make it easy to stomach though.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

my wife slipped and told me she completed oral for a guy when she was in college and thats how she knows she doesnt like it. i really think i would have been better off not knowing that. of course we didnt know each other then but i have often wondered if i had been her first after marriage would it have been different. maybe he treated her poorly afterwards or maybe she felt cheap and dirty. it might have been a different experience if it was husband/wife. 

while i am curious about details, i think its best i dont know about her life before us.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Nice.. Although the past is the past, she shared something with you. Now your "armed" with knowledge about her and why she thinks what she thinks today.

You could.
1. Be that sensitive guy showing her why you're different.
2. Work with her to recognize your "right" as a husband to not be witheld her pleasures and your joint experiences because of something/someone else. Thats simply not being very open to you. (off topic sorry)

Could very well be that this is not negotiable for her... That would be BAD. (to me anyway)
Anyway,... of you want her to su*k your c*ck, now you know what your up against. And again, although this is the past, you NOW know for her, how this relates to the present.
Thats not a bad thing in my book..


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## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

pleasehelpme said:


> See my post in 'considering a divorce'.. THat is exactly my problem ladies. I married someone who I thought was so perfect... we had talked about our past, but nothing too detailed as I didin't think it was important.. Well 3 years alter and with a 1 year old child I found out that before he met me he had an ongoing thing (affair) with an older married woman... he surely kept that a secret because he knew I was moralistic and wouldn't marry him if I knew that past.. well now i know and feel like the past 3 years with him has been a lie... Is this a deal breaker??? He has never cheated on me and claims he loves me to death and would kill himself if i left him.. blah blah.. we are currently sleeping in separate rooms and only talk when its about our child.. I am so mad, hurt and angry.. Should I be contemplating divorce over somethng (albeit a HUGE something) that happened in the past before he met me??? Help!


I can certainly understand that you are shocked, but it seems awfully rash to me to consider divorcing someone over something that really had nothing to do with you.

IF you have found that he is a habitual liar, that he is pursuing affairs while married to you, hiding money, stealing, or otherwise engaging in dishonest behavior NOW, then that is obviously an entirely different matter. 

I slept with a number of married men before I met my husband. Some I knew were married, others lied to me to get in my pants (surprise!). Having engaged in this behavior, although I do not look back on it proudly (in the cases of the men I knew were married) doesn't make me a bad wife today. It just makes me a human being who is flawed and who has learned enough from her mistakes not to make the same ones.


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## JustMe23 (Feb 3, 2010)

I like knowing as much as possible, but also realize that I might not be able to handle certain truths. That being said, our counselor has told us that we are not responsible for the reaction of others. Ultimately, if someone tells you something, you are the only person responsible for your own reaction and if you want to share something, you should have that right, so long as you are choosing the right words, appropriate timing, etc. 
So, I'd love it if my husband were more honest with me than he is now. I know that certain things would upset me, but in the long run I believe life together would be so much more fulfilling. Knowing everything - 100% - is an ideal. No marriage is ideal. So you need to decide what is acceptable for you. 
I used to think I knew just what kind of person I married, that he couldn't tell a lie, etc. WRONG. I knew the gist of him. I knew that he was an investment over time, emotionally. And I knew that he felt right. I DID NOT know how capable he is of covering things up to avoid conflict, ultimately causing more conflict in the long run. 
I'd say that if the intentions for the marriage are 100% good, then not knowing every last detail is acceptable. However, hiding details that harm your marriage is not. If you can get to the point of being able to share everything and anything and still love each other, I think you'd have a very enviable relationship.


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## cherrypie18 (Feb 21, 2010)

I have told my husband almost everything about my life before him. But I don't think he told me a lot, probably just around 60-70%. He never really opens up and I don't remember having a deep conversation with him. When I tell him we haven't had a really deep and meaningful conversation he laughs and jokes or tells me it's not true or I'm being silly. Is he emotionally not there??? I feel so lonely and unloved in my marriage...


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## SammyLee (Feb 22, 2010)

Funny you should ask. The answer to that is what brought me to this site...for opinions on the topic. You have your right to privacy as an individual. My boyfriend of 14 months is a wonderful man. (Everything I thought I'd missed, after over 18 years of a terrible marriage). He has 3 children, or so I thought. I just found out (through my own nosiness and use of public records and facebook) that he has an additional 20 year old daughter that lives 3 miles away from him. He has paid c.s. on time, for all those years. His past is not my business and I don't hold him accountable for answers regarding his past. His situation is not mine to judge. I get that. I think now, that if he keeps this kind of stuff from me, does that make him a liar? Is it a character trait that I didn't see? Does he just not love and trust me enough to tell me big stuff like that? Although he doesn't owe me, I'm surprised by how a person could keep such a significant event secret. He says I'm his best friend. I feel insignificant to him now. I think you have to be careful of the information you omit. There is a fine line between being decietful and simply not telling something.


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## DameEdna (Aug 26, 2009)

SammyLee said:


> Funny you should ask. The answer to that is what brought me to this site...for opinions on the topic. You have your right to privacy as an individual. My boyfriend of 14 months is a wonderful man. (Everything I thought I'd missed, after over 18 years of a terrible marriage). He has 3 children, or so I thought. I just found out (through my own nosiness and use of public records and facebook) that he has an additional 20 year old daughter that lives 3 miles away from him. He has paid c.s. on time, for all those years. His past is not my business and I don't hold him accountable for answers regarding his past. His situation is not mine to judge. I get that. I think now, that if he keeps this kind of stuff from me, does that make him a liar? Is it a character trait that I didn't see? Does he just not love and trust me enough to tell me big stuff like that? Although he doesn't owe me, I'm surprised by how a person could keep such a significant event secret. He says I'm his best friend. I feel insignificant to him now. I think you have to be careful of the information you omit. There is a fine line between being decietful and simply not telling something.


Maybe he felt that because the 20 year old (assuming the other kids are younger) was independent from him now, so he didnt feel he needed to tell you..... or maybe he was going to tell you and just never got around to it. 

Men think differently to us. Some things are not an issue like they are to us. 

But it is strange why he never mentioned something so important to you. 

You must have had your suspicions, else why would you be looking on Facebook and public records? 

How soon after your long marriage did you meet this guy? Maybe it was too soon? 

I hope it works out for you xx


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## DameEdna (Aug 26, 2009)

cherrypie18 said:


> I have told my husband almost everything about my life before him. But I don't think he told me a lot, probably just around 60-70%. He never really opens up and I don't remember having a deep conversation with him. When I tell him we haven't had a really deep and meaningful conversation he laughs and jokes or tells me it's not true or I'm being silly. Is he emotionally not there??? I feel so lonely and unloved in my marriage...


It's similar with my hubby and me. I dont feel mine really opens up and we rarely have deep conversations about stuff. We just touch the surface. I often wonder if it's a man thing. It's not important to them to tell all. But it does make you feel a little isolated doesnt it?

This is why many of us come on the internet, because we can be "ourselves!"


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