# My brother needs help - having issues with his GF



## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

My brother (M30) and his girlfriend (F26) are having issues. They have been together for 5 years, lived together for 3 years. She quit her job early year 2 of living together and was unemployed for over a year, finally securing employment 8 months ago at a job position she still currently holds:

year 1 - dating, living at home
year 2 - dating, living at home
year 3 - he bought house, she moved in
year 4 - she quit job and sat at home for the year
year 5 - she got new job, working there 8 months now

She has NOT contributed financially to the house or bills, but occasionally she pays for about half of the food. He has supported her financially throughout the relationship, so she went from mom and dad's house to my brothers house directly, always having someone to pay for her lifestyle.

My brother is a saver. Always has been.
She has debt. She never finished her college, and has never paid off her debt. Still, she spends money faster than she makes it. She has very few responsibilities (she does have a cell phone bill, credit card debt) and her parents just bought her a used car, so she has just added insurance and basic auto expenses to her plate.

My brother has been patient with her. After she had been working for a while, he brought up money, and how he would appreciate her helping more with the finances. Nothing changed, and they've since had that same conversation a dozen times. It's like his money is their money, collectively, but her money is her money.

Recently, she has been acting strange. 

- She's claiming to be bored all the time. 
- She started going to the gym a lot. 
- She gives attitude. (example: 2 weeks ago, my brother got a parking ticket for parking on his street. This happened because the GF started parking her new car in his driveway, without leaving him room to park. He called her and asked her if she could move her car over slightly, enough so both cars could fit. She freaked out and yelled at him to get rid of his other car, because why should she have to move her car...instead of moving her car over slightly so he could park his car in HIS driveway, where it's been parked for 3 years before she got her own car). 
- She's going on lavish spa and chalet "girls weekends", even after the countless conversations about money, and she still contributes nothing to the household.

After the car issue above, they got in a fight, she packed her crap and left for the weekend. She came back and he's trying to fix things with her.

A week and a half after the car issue, the latest turmoil is:
- she just told him this weekend she's thinking of going to a bar with 4 or 5 guys, dudes he's never met before, for Superbowl. He's wasn't invited, and still hasn't been.

This just happened yesterday. The day before, he told her he would like to help her pay off some of her debt, and she could pay him back weekly. When she told him about the "going out to a bar with 5 guys" he told her that he's not comfortable with that situation and also, what is the point of helping her pay off debt if she's only going to keep spending money. 
She said "So you're only trying to help me pay off debt so you can control me and my friends?" He said "friends??, I don't even know these guys".

He feels like over the last few months it's been increasingly feeling like he doesn't know this person anymore. I think he's become her new daddy, paying for her lifestyle, and I also see huge red flags here lately...of course, he wants other opinions.

I work with him every day and I'm watching him fall apart over this. He wants unbiased opinions, so I tried encouraging him to post here at TAM. He is aware I am posting this and any help you random TAM'ers can provide will help him a great deal.

He's gonna read this thread when he gets home. He left early because he's having bad anxiety. He said none of this makes sense, and he doesn't feel like she's the same person anymore...I told him it never makes sense when you don't have the whole story/truth...it's like trying to solve a math equation without all the numerals, too many questions.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

This is a girfriend, what is the problem? Kick her ass out and find a new one. I'm sorry, but he has nothing invested with her really. Imagine what marriage would bring? Get out now, there are so many good women, why suffer through this? HE IS NOT MARRIED!


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

People show us who they are through action. It is now his turn to teach her how to treat him through reaction...

As in, kick her to the curb. This is not a relationship that deserves the amount of one sided work your brother is putting into it. It is time to move on from the mentally and emotionally immature woman he is with.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Observer said:


> This is a girfriend, what is the problem? Kick her ass out and find a new one. I'm sorry, but he has nothing invested with her really. Imagine what marriage would bring? Get out now, there are so many good women, why suffer through this? HE IS NOT MARRIED!


I agree completely. I'm a "rip off the bandaid" type of guy myself, but he's struggling to make sense of the situation and he's not sure if I'm biased because I'm his brother.

He obviously cares about her a great deal, and 5 years is still an investment of time and emotions. I think that's why it hurts him so much. He's breaking out in hives, pacing the floor and can't concentrate. It's pretty bad.

Thanks for the input.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

CantePe said:


> People show us who they are through action. It is now his turn to teach her how to treat him through reaction...
> 
> As in, kick her to the curb. This is not a relationship that deserves the amount of one sided work your brother is putting into it. It is time to move on from the mentally and emotionally immature woman he is with.


Thank you. I said the same thing...she's shown him who she is, he needs to believe her.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

tulsy said:


> She came back and *he's trying to fix things with her*.




Why? :scratchhead:

She doesn't seem to be behaving in a way that indicates she'd like the relationship to continue. Rather, she appears to have assumed the role of resentful and rebellious teen lashing out at her dad. I think your brother needs to stop trying to fix things with her and simply respect her choice to be single. Of course, he is under zero obligation to continue funding her single lifestyle, so I think it's probably past time for her to move out.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

tulsy said:


> I agree completely. I'm a "rip off the bandaid" type of guy myself, but he's struggling to make sense of the situation and he's not sure if I'm biased because I'm his brother.
> 
> He obviously cares about her a great deal, and 5 years is still an investment of time and emotions. I think that's why it hurts him so much. He's breaking out in hives, pacing the floor and can't concentrate. It's pretty bad.
> 
> Thanks for the input.


5 years is an investment, but he needs to see reality. And that reality is this relationship has a slim chance to move into anything close to a healthy marriage. And if that is the case, then what's the point? Now lets look at positives to take away from this relationship that will hlep him in the next one. He knows what type of woman he does not want. He understands how it feels to be treated like crap. He has learned how important communication, boundries, trust, emptional support, and cooperation is to a relationship. He has not failed, he has gained wisdom. He sounds like a good dude, ask him why he does not demand he have a partner that's willing to equally contribute to their relationship?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

tulsy said:


> My brother (M30) and his girlfriend (F26) are having issues. They have been together for 5 years, lived together for 3 years. She quit her job early year 2 of living together and was unemployed for over a year, finally securing employment 8 months ago at a job position she still currently holds:
> 
> year 1 - dating, living at home
> year 2 - dating, living at home
> ...


I'd tell him to (a) be thankful that he didn't marry her, and (b) kick her to the curb.

Seriously... the Superbowl plans plus the "controlling" comment would've been the last straw for me.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

In the grand scheme of things, 5 years is really not a lot when you compare it to a lifetime. Your brother is only 30 years old, he has many years ahead of him to find the right one. This chick right here, is not it. 

There is no rhyme or reason to this chick. The most obvious thing is that she doesn't respect the relationship or your brother. She really isn't afraid of losing him at all. I mean, this chick has balls of steel to declare to your brother that she is hanging out with 5 (unknown) guys on Super Bowl Night. Ummm, WTF?!?!


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> I'd tell him to (a) be thankful that he didn't marry her, and (b) kick her to the curb.
> 
> Seriously... the Superbowl plans plus the "controlling" comment would've been the last straw for me.


Right??...I said the exact same thing to him. The "plans" and throwing "controlling" at him would have been my final straw.

Thanks Gus.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Observer said:


> 5 years is an investment, but he needs to see reality. And that reality is this relationship has a slim chance to move into anything close to a healthy marriage. And if that is the case, then what's the point? Now lets look at positives to take away from this relationship that will hlep him in the next one. He knows what type of woman he does not want. He understands how it feels to be treated like crap. He has learned how important communication, boundries, trust, emptional support, and cooperation is to a relationship. He has not failed, he has gained wisdom. He sounds like a good dude, ask him why he does not demand he have a partner that's willing to equally contribute to their relationship?


Excellent points.

I asked him to consider his own boundaries, and when is it "enough is enough".


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

YIKES. She is a hot mess. She must have a gold-lined snatch if he's wanting to keep her around and pay for her acting like an entitled princess. The Superbowl thing? HELL TO THE NO. She's got some big ol balls, that one.

The fact that she's not really contributing anything to this relationship emotionally and financially is all your son needs to know. This is *not* what a healthy, loving relationship looks like. 

Yes, 5 years is a long investment. But think about 5 years from now if he decides to keep her-that'll be 10 years' investment . . . and so on. Can you imagine if they had children? I can't even. We don't want him to come back here to TAM in 10 years singing the 'she cheated on me' or 'she doesn't lift a finger' song.

Cut bait and RUN. He needs to kick her out yesterday. I realize she's young, but man, she's got a lot to learn. He's merely a meal ticket to her.

I'm sorry. He's young. He has his whole life ahead of him. There's a fork in the road. I hope he makes the right decision for himself. This is a pivotal time in his life. His decision about this dictates the rest of his life.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

JustTired said:


> In the grand scheme of things, 5 years is really not a lot when you compare it to a lifetime. Your brother is only 30 years old, he has many years ahead of him to find the right one. This chick right here, is not it.
> 
> There is no rhyme or reason to this chick. The most obvious thing is that she doesn't respect the relationship or your brother. She really isn't afraid of losing him at all. I mean, this chick has balls of steel to declare to your brother that she is hanging out with 5 (unknown) guys on Super Bowl Night. Ummm, WTF?!?!


Exactly. 
I told him that as an outsider, hearing this makes me feel like she doesn't appreciate my brother or the relationship. 

Considering how last week they were just getting back together, you'd think the last thing someone who WANTS things to get better would do is to make plans with random dudes. That and the fact that they just talked about him lending her thousands of dollars to help her pay some debt, why on earth would she think he'd be cool with her carrying on spending like she can afford it (when she obviously can't afford it)?

Thanks for your input.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

lucy999 said:


> YIKES. She is a hot mess. She must have a gold-lined snatch if he's wanting to keep her around and pay for her acting like an entitled princess. The Superbowl thing? HELL TO THE NO. She's got some big ol balls, that one.
> 
> The fact that she's not really contributing anything to this relationship emotionally and financially is all your son needs to know. This is *not* what a healthy, loving relationship looks like.
> 
> ...


Thank you. That last line is why I decided to post here.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

tulsy said:


> Exactly.
> I told him that as an outsider, hearing this makes me feel like she doesn't appreciate my brother or the relationship.
> 
> Considering how last week they were just getting back together, you'd think the last thing someone who WANTS things to get better would do is to make plans with random dudes. That and the fact that they just talked about him lending her thousands of dollars to help her pay some debt, *why on earth would she think he'd be cool with* her carrying on spending like she can afford it (when she obviously can't afford it)?
> ...


Because, so far, he's really done nothing to make her think otherwise. She probably just takes it as a given that he'll finance her life and be cool with whatever she wants to do. He seems to have been doing that for at least a couple of years now. It probably hadn't occurred to her that there might be limits on what, so far, seems to have been a rather enabling and limitless sort of arrangement. And even now, he's wavering on cutting her loose - pacing and sweating and anxious and thinking. So, obviously, there's at least some chance he might have put up whatever she's got on tap this time. 

In short, she's completely taking him - and their relationship - for granted.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

She is showing your brother who she really is. He may want to check his states laws on common law marriage. Still he is young, and she is showing him who she really is. Time to pull the plug on this. It will only get worse. He needs to imagine what things will be like if he stays with her another 20years or more.


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## Green Eyes (Nov 20, 2014)

Her behavior strikes me as a form of abuse. She's showing she doesn't value him or the relationship. I'd not behave that way with my husband because I love him. I don't mean to be harsh, but she's showing him in multiple ways she doesn't love him.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> I'd tell him to (a) be thankful that he didn't marry her, and (b) kick her to the curb.
> 
> Seriously... the Superbowl plans plus the "controlling" comment would've been the last straw for me.


Dead on! Oh..and dead on!

Your brother should have her bags packed and ready for her return. He can load them to her new car that she can drive to her parents house. Honestly, repeatedly asked to help with finances. Schlepped on the couch for over a year living the life of Reilly. Has colossal gaul to moan, complain and not provide room in the drive for the car. Sounds like you are raising a kid. Drop kick her through the goal posts of life.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Unless she can suck start a John Deere, it's time to put some boot prints on her behind if your account of things is at all accurate.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Rowan said:


> Because, so far, he's really done nothing to make her think otherwise. She probably just takes it as a given that he'll finance her life and be cool with whatever she wants to do. He seems to have been doing that for at least a couple of years now. *It probably hadn't occurred to her that there might be limits on what, so far, seems to have been a rather enabling and limitless sort of arrangement. And even now, he's wavering on cutting her loose - pacing and sweating and anxious and thinking. So, obviously, there's at least some chance he might have put up whatever she's got on tap this time.*
> 
> In short, *she's completely taking him - and their relationship - for granted*.


THIS ^^ :iagree:

Thanks


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

I get annoyed at the term "investment" in a relationship.

It's really not accurate.

It's more like a test drive. He was lucky enough to test drive that model for five years until he realized its not a good purchase.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

So far it's unanimous. He needs to tell her to GTFO. It's not like he can't replace her with a better prospect, it'd be difficult to find worse.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

And speaking of investments...

Do not lend her money!

Your bro needs to stop thinking with his white knight shining armor d(ck!

That investment, since he used that term....is a sub-sub-sub-prime risk! No bank would touch that loan, so why would he?

Don't mix money with acts of service.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

If he's going to toss away that much cash, he may as well spend it on a high class escort, and a really fun night at a casino.

With the escort, he's guaranteed to get some action. 

Trying to buy snatch from his girlfriend is, at best, a 50/50 chance of getting laid.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Cletus said:


> Unless she can suck start a John Deere, it's time to put some boot prints on her behind if your account of things is at all accurate.


Ummm...
Apparently, she can...something about a golf ball and a garden hose? 
He told me about her skill in that department when they first got together...it literally blew his mind how good she was at it. 

I think as far as BJs are concerned, she could write a book, but I don't know when the last time he received the pleasure was. I don't think it matters too much at this point though....the rest of the relationship sucks pretty bad right now, and he said it's been bad for months.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

While she is at the Superbowl Party, pack her stuff and drop it off at her parents' house. Change the locks and go a a friend's house to watch the game. When the game ends, send her a text that her parent's are expecting her.

Tolerate no disrespect Brother...


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

alphaomega said:


> If he's going to toss away that much cash, he may as well spend it on a high class escort, and a really fun night at a casino.
> 
> With the escort, he's guaranteed to get some action.
> 
> Trying to buy snatch from his girlfriend is, at best, a 50/50 chance of getting laid.


Agreed. I hope he doesn't give her that loan.

"Getting some" is the furthest thing from his radar at the moment. He's texting me right now...says gonna call me soon with an update....I'll post what transpired


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Jung_admirer said:


> *While she is at the Superbowl Party, pack her stuff and drop it off at her parent's house. Change the locks* and go a a friend's house to watch the game. When the game ends, send her a text informing her that her parent's are expecting her.
> 
> Tolerate no disrespect Brother...


That's what I suggested too. Thanks bro.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

tulsy said:


> - She's claiming to be bored all the time.
> - She started going to the gym a lot.
> - She's going on lavish spa and chalet "girls weekends",
> 
> ...


Give me BAD odds and I'll bet a lot that she has a new boyfriend by Valentines day. If she doesn't already.

You, sir, have given the PERFECT description of w woman who is done in her relationship and is out shopping.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

Since dating is basically an interview period for a spouse, and/or parent to your kids and his gf has failed in almost every category (except BJs) I would say to cut his losses now before she gets pregnant or gives him an STD from her "friends" he's never met in 5 years. 

Tell him to follow proper eviction procedures in his state and tell him to think of it as a learning experience- what he DOESN'T want in a partner and remind him of his reasons for not marrying her. The only thing worse than spending 5 years with the wrong partner is spending a day more- which could have been spent looking for Mrs. Right.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Your brother should be reading the No More Mr Nice Guy and Married Man's Sex Life Primer as well, to try to prevent further incidents. 

C


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

scatty said:


> Tell him to follow proper eviction procedures in his state


Good observation; depending on the state those laws can get pretty weird.

But you know what? F*ck it. Worst case scenario is that she sues and wins, and even that would be worth getting her the hell out of his life, astounding BJs or no.

The answer to this should be obvious to your brother if he was able to approach the situation objectively. Ask him what advice would he give you if this was your problem and not his.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Tusly,
just to concur, when she said she was bored this is equivalent to ILYBINILWY, she is not committed (any longer) and she is shopping.

Don't chase her, it will only push her away.

She probably feels like she has made it clear she is moving on ("Bored" can be a fitness test).

It is so common among people dating to day to take the easy cowards way out and just distance themselves and move on.

Maybe even cause trouble so you want to end the relationship, then your "broken heart" is not on them.

There is little doubt here it seems.

Sorry I wish your brother well, take care.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

IMO, when one person throws out the "your controlling" card something nefarious is going on, usually another person.

Has she thrown out the "you have trust issues" yet? That's another one.


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

I'm just hanging around here waiting to see what your bro's update was... don't think there is any need for me to say what everyone else has already said. Just hoping he gets it on his own without needing to read our opinions- he sounds like a great guy deserving of someone equally great


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## Amelthya (Jan 16, 2015)

It sounds like neither of them is particularly happy. Id ask him to imagine a future with her, and if he likes what he sees.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

soccermom2three said:


> IMO, when one person throws out the "your controlling" card something nefarious is going on, usually another person.
> 
> Has she thrown out the "you have trust issues" yet? That's another one.


I just asked him this question 

...she said to him yesterday "you don't trust me"


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Lila said:


> Tulsy:
> 
> Has there been talk about marriage between your brother and his girlfriend? Has she been pressuring him to get married?
> 
> ...


I don't think so, but I will ask him when he calls me back (left early again today, says he'll call me from home).

Personally, my GF and I noticed a change shortly after she started working because my brother told me about the money situation (she suddenly starts making money again, but continues to live freely, not helping financially at all). I know it really upset him, and he talked to her about it countless times, but nothing has changed.

That has really bit him in the as because he has basically shown her there are no consequences, and her respect for him (in the way she talks to him, views him, and treats him) has reduced.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Kylie84 said:


> I'm just hanging around here waiting to see what your bro's update was... don't think there is any need for me to say what everyone else has already said. Just hoping he gets it on his own without needing to read our opinions- he sounds like a great guy deserving of someone equally great


I'm working on the update...my brother likes to keep his private life private, and usually waits until the sky is falling before reaching out for help...in other words, he'll talk to me about things when he's ready.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

tulsy said:


> I just asked him this question
> 
> ...she said to him yesterday "you don't trust me"


I'm always gobsmacked when someone doing something patently shady plays the "you have trust issues" card. 

Of course he doesn't trust her. She's being untrustworthy! Duh! :slap:


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

tulsy said:


> I agree completely. I'm a "rip off the bandaid" type of guy myself, but he's struggling to make sense of the situation and he's not sure if I'm biased because I'm his brother.
> 
> He obviously cares about her a great deal, and *5 years is still an investment of time and emotions.* I think that's why it hurts him so much. He's breaking out in hives, pacing the floor and can't concentrate. It's pretty bad.
> 
> Thanks for the input.


Sunk Cost. Have him read about it if he doesn't know what this means. Remove the cancer from his life. That's what I say.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

tulsy said:


> Ummm...
> *Apparently, she can...something about a golf ball and a garden hose?
> He told me about her skill in that department when they first got together...it literally blew his mind how good she was at it. *
> 
> I think as far as BJs are concerned, she could write a book, but I don't know when the last time he received the pleasure was. I don't think it matters too much at this point though....the rest of the relationship sucks pretty bad right now, and he said it's been bad for months.


Dumbass... First off, does he understand how she got so good at it? Second, is it worth thousands of dollars and a lifetime of misery just to get a great BJ??? 

I guess the POP is too hard for some people to think rationally...


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

1st UPDATE -

Apparently they talked last night and she agreed she was wrong for what she said. She still told him she thinks he doesn't trust her though, which is really not good at all.

Her answer/excuse is that she was angry and at work so she just lashed out. She says she didn't mean she was definitely going out with those guys, and if she does go my brother can go too if he really wants to. She still feels he doesn't really trust her if he thinks she'd fool around with another man behind his back, but agreed that she would not have been happy if the tables were turned and HE was invited by a group of women, etc. So really, she gets why he'd be mad, but it's still his trust issues that are the problem?

His feelings are that she has all of this debt that he is willing to help her with, so regardless if she's bored or not, she can't afford to keep going out and spending money because she OWES money. Next, if she eventually pays off her debt, EVEN THEN, she still shouldn't be going out and spending money unless she has started helping out financially. He's actually being super nice by not charging her any rent while she is supposed to be paying off her debt, but she is flipping it that he is controlling and doesn't trust her because helping him out financially isn't even on her radar right now...going out and having fun apparently is.

So far, not much has happened, except they are still talking in the evening about the situation. He hasn't decided on any course of action yet.

I'll recommend NMMNG and MMSLprimer, but knowing my little brother, he won't read them. 

Thanks everyone for your help and input so far...I think they both need a reality check, and I'm grateful for your words of wisdom. I'll be passing all of this on to him and I'll post any updates that I hear from him.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Tulsy, you indicated in the first post that your brother would be reading this thread. Has he? I'm sure you're conveying all of this stuff accurately to him, but it might have a little extra punch if he reads it for himself.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

tulsy said:


> 1st UPDATE -
> 
> Apparently they talked last night and she agreed she was wrong for what she said. She still told him she thinks he doesn't trust her though, which is really not good at all.
> 
> ...


One good BJ from her, and he'll pay for everything...

What a hot mess...


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Dumbass... First off, does he understand how she got so good at it? Second, is it worth thousands of dollars and a lifetime of misery just to get a great BJ???
> 
> I guess the POP is too hard for some people to think rationally...


Well, he's definitely not staying with her for the BJs, and he doesn't have any illusions of how she got so good at oral, and doesn't really care...he doesn't bring her past into the equation, which is a good thing...I think he was just happy to be on the receiving end of Linda Lovelace.

She's been at his side for the last 5 years, but things changed once she quit her job. She got bored because she had no money, so they spent a great deal of time at home. 

Once she finally got a job, she was happy to be out and interacting with people again. She wanted her own car, so her parents helped her with that. Now she has new found freedom, and although she's not leaving him outright, she doesn't want anyone telling her what she should do. 

From his words:
He's not telling her what she can and can't do, he's simply reacting to her choices of what to do. He doesn't want to HAVE to tell her what she should and shouldn't do, he wants her to be able to figure it out on her own. He just wants things to be how they used to be.

I think she's a good kid, but I think she's being a real piece of crap to my brother lately. She's getting mad at him, the person who took care of her when she had nothing, the same way a teenager rebels against their parents.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Tulsy's bro. If you're reading this, PLEASE don't throw money at the problem. It won't work. She'll just take it and be irresponsible. All of your efforts will be for naught. Past behavior is a good indicator of future behavior. My friend tried this approach with her now ex H and it failed miserably. He just took and took and took. And, well, she's in the poor house now. Please, if anything, guard your finances .


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

GTdad said:


> Tulsy, you indicated in the first post that your brother would be reading this thread. Has he? I'm sure you're conveying all of this stuff accurately to him, but it might have a little extra punch if he reads it for himself.


GT, I sent him the link yesterday and told him to read it. He said he did. I asked him today if he followed it, and he said that so far everyone in the thread was saying the same stuff. I work with him everyday, and we have coffee together every morning, so I'll be talking to him about it again tomorrow.

At first, he was only hearing this from me so he called his close friend...friend said everything we've all been saying. Next, he said he wanted unbiased opinions from people who don't know him personally, so I advised him to post his story on TAM or reddit. He was too upset, so I posted for him, with his awareness.

That's what's great about TAM...you think you're on your own, no one knows what you're going through, but here we have a community of people who've been through similar situations, so they CAN speak from experience. I'm hoping this helps him see that he's not alone.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

lucy999 said:


> Tulsy's bro. If you're reading this, PLEASE don't throw money at the problem. It won't work. She'll just take it and be irresponsible. All of your efforts will be for naught. Past behavior is a good indicator of future behavior. My friend tried this approach with her now ex H and it failed miserably. He just took and took and took. And, well, she's in the poor house now. Please, if anything, guard your finances .


^^THIS

I said "I hope you're not still planning on lending her that money", and he told me he's not going to now. 

You're so right...her past behavior is the only indicator he can go by, and it reads "I'm terrible with money". In light of what has happened lately, I think he should insist she start paying bills/rent or leave...she has money, she just blows it on herself.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

tulsy said:


> ^^THIS
> 
> I said "I hope you're not still planning on lending her that money", and he told me he's not going to now.
> 
> You're so right...her past behavior is the only indicator he can go by, and it reads "I'm terrible with money". In light of what has happened lately, I think he should insist she start paying bills/rent or leave...she has money, she just blows it on herself.


If he doesn't kick her to the curb give him one of these.


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## lovesmanis (Oct 9, 2014)

Wow. She sounds like she is an entitled person who has no idea what she wants out of life.

Has he thought about what his life will be like if he marries her? If she is unhappy now, imagine how unhappy she will be if they have kids and they cramp her style.

Better yet, imagine what his kids will turn out like? Does he want to get married to an entitled brat who will probably give him 2 or 3 entitled brats for kids? 

Wait until they lose the house because she has ruined his credit and he cannot keep up with the bills because she spends all of his money. 

Run. Run fast.
She may have been with him for 5 years but she is not ready to be an adult.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

tulsy said:


> 1st UPDATE -
> She says she didn't mean she was definitely going out with those guys, and if she does go *my brother can go too if he really wants to*. She still feels he doesn't really trust her if he thinks she'd fool around with another man behind his back, but agreed that she would not have been happy if the tables were turned and HE was invited by a group of women, etc. So really, she gets why he'd be mad, but it's still his trust issues that are the problem?


So really nothing has changed. But now she'll "let" your bro go too if he wants to. How big of her.

Pack her bags, kick her butt to the kerb and don't let the door her on the way out. She is a spoilt, entitled brat.

My husband is the kindest, gentlest man you'll ever meet. He's very generous and was with me while we were dating, and still is today. But there aint no way in hades he would have tolerated this crap from me.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

tulsy said:


> GT, I sent him the link yesterday and told him to read it. He said he did. I asked him today if he followed it, and he said that so far everyone in the thread was saying the same stuff. I work with him everyday, and we have coffee together every morning, so I'll be talking to him about it again tomorrow.
> 
> At first, he was only hearing this from me so he called his close friend...friend said everything we've all been saying. Next, he said he wanted unbiased opinions from people who don't know him personally, so I advised him to post his story on TAM or reddit. He was too upset, so I posted for him, with his awareness.
> 
> That's what's great about TAM...you think you're on your own, no one knows what you're going through, but here we have a community of people who've been through similar situations, so they CAN speak from experience. I'm hoping this helps him see that he's not alone.


Take your brother out, buy him a beer, and then punch him in the jaw. Then tell him that both of them are from ol' Gus.


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## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

IMO - two words for this situation - "Sugar Daddy"

She gets to do what she wants, when she wants. Your brother pays for everything and then she uses all available money for her entertainment, not taking care of her debt. 

Then, her parents buy her a car? Between your brother and her parents, she has it made. Everyone is providing everything for her, and allowing her to do what she wants without taking responsibility for anything. She is a user and a manipulator - she has everyone in the palm of her hand.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

> Quote:
> Originally Posted by tulsy View Post
> 1st UPDATE -
> She says she didn't mean she was definitely going out with those guys, *and if she does go my brother can go too if he really wants to. *She still feels he doesn't really trust her if he thinks she'd fool around with another man behind his back, but agreed that she would not have been happy if the tables were turned and HE was invited by a group of women, etc. So really, she gets why he'd be mad, but it's still his trust issues that are the problem?


This sounds so similar to my BIL and SIL. When she started going out with coworkers, (drinks after work and hiking), she would say this too. My BIL would go and everyone would treat him weird. Later he found that she had "warned" everyone that he was "controlling" and had "trust issues". Finally one time, she was going hiking with the group of coworkers and she told him that she didn't want my BIL to go because "she can't be herself with him around". :roll eyes: He stopped going.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

If everyone is saying the same thing I would think that he would understand how clear the situation is. Most threads around here you have debate back and forth and differing views. In this case, pretty unaminous. Couple that with what you see, someone close to the situation, and you have consenus. I know he loves her, and I know it's hard. But how do you want to enter a marriage. What kind of woman does he want to spend the rest of his life with? Does he really want to be that guy 5 years from now going through the hell that is divorce? Does he really want that type of mother for his children?


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

She is too unstable for marriage.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

He owns his own home, has no debt, no children at 30 years old......smack your brother upside his head. He shouldnt be dealing with this entitled princess. There are plently of women who would be lining up to appreciate a guy like that.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

richie33 said:


> He owns his own home, has no debt, no children at 30 years old......smack your brother upside his head. He shouldnt be dealing with this entitled princess. There are plently of women who would be lining up to appreciate a guy like that.


And she WILL financially wreck him.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Gym
Guys
Disappeared for a couple days.
Sudden demeanor change


I can't paint you a picture...
They would ban me for displaying an NSFW pic...


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