# What To Do When You Betray The One You Love? HELP



## fallen76 (Dec 31, 2011)

I have been married to my wife for 8 years this coming January. Due to my insecurities and need for attention I flirted online with random women. I never met up with any of them nor have I had any physical relationships outside of my wife. My wife became aware of my cyber infidelity and now we are in turmoil. It has been a few years, and she finds it difficult to forgive me. She also has rekindled a relationship with her ex, and this makes me scared. I feel as if we are dressed for a funeral and we are waiting for her to decide which dress to wear. I am fearful of looking into the casket and seeing our love lying there dead and impotent.


I am accountable for all of this hurt and betrayal and anger. My guilt is killing me and I am extremely remorseful. I fear that she is with me only for the kid's sake and that she is having intimate feelings towards her ex. That could be only my guilt, but I am having a hard time. How do I bring our love back from the brink of extinction? I try to be as honest and transparent in everything I do. I try to be more honest about my emotions and open to communication. I try to be of more assistance to her and meet her needs. But I think she is too far gone..I hate myself for hurting her..What to do?


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

fallen76 said:


> I have been married to my wife for 8 years this coming January. Due to my insecurities and need for attention I flirted online with random women. I never met up with any of them nor have I had any physical relationships outside of my wife. My wife became aware of my cyber infidelity and now we are in turmoil. It has been a few years, and she finds it difficult to forgive me. She also has rekindled a relationship with her ex, and this makes me scared. I feel as if we are dressed for a funeral and we are waiting for her to decide which dress to wear. I am fearful of looking into the casket and seeing our love lying there dead and impotent.
> 
> 
> I am accountable for all of this hurt and betrayal and anger. My guilt is killing me and I am extremely remorseful. I fear that she is with me only for the kid's sake and that she is having intimate feelings towards her ex. That could be only my guilt, but I am having a hard time. How do I bring our love back from the brink of extinction? I try to be as honest and transparent in everything I do. I try to be more honest about my emotions and open to communication. I try to be of more assistance to her and meet her needs. But I think she is too far gone..I hate myself for hurting her..What to do?


You should be in MC. If you're not, you need to start ASAP. There's a lot of issues that need to be laid out on the table to start the healing process.

Second, please elaborate on "rekindling relationship with her ex." There should be a mutual respect between spouses that this kind of thing is a no-no. She should not be communicating with her ex in any shape or form. Don't allow it to appease her of your guilt from your infidelity. Two wrongs don't make a right, all you're doing is encouraging her to have an EA on you.

Last, you need to have a heart to heart with your wife about what she wants to do. Let her know you are committed to the relationship and want to make it work. Tell her you are willing to put in the effort and do the things you need to do to fix it. If she is likewise committed, then you can work from there. If she is not, then you need to look at doing something like the 180. Be prepared that your marriage is over and you need to start working on yourself.

You can't be in a healthy marriage if only one person is committed.

I can tell you from my experience, I should have stood up to my wife's communications with her old friend much more strongly. If I would have threatened to kick her out or leave over the initial contact period, she might have turned around before she had a PA. I know you feel guilty about that because you screwed up initially, but that doesn't mean you accept infidelity from her now. What she's doing is going to take your relationship to a place you don't want to go. Either she needs to end your marriage now or be committed to it 100%.


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## fallen76 (Dec 31, 2011)

We are in MC. It helps. 

In regards to her ex, they have always been friends. She gave up contact with him due to my insecurity of their relationship. But since my infidelity, she has reached out to him more and refuses to let him out of her life again especially since my actions of betrayal. I have approached the situation and that is her stand. 

I understand her pain and hurt and feel so damn guilty. I understand what you are saying, but what platform do I have to stand on when I am the one who did her wrong? 

She states that she is trying to make it work especially for the kid's sake. But she has this resentment that pops up frequently. I have resorted to keeping my distance. I am scared to get too close. I figure if I can become her friend again first, then we can move on to the more intimate things. 

I am just so lost at this moment. 

I am new to this site. Please explain 180.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

fallen76 said:


> We are in MC. It helps.
> 
> In regards to her ex, they have always been friends. She gave up contact with him due to my insecurity of their relationship. But since my infidelity, she has reached out to him more and refuses to let him out of her life again especially since my actions of betrayal. I have approached the situation and that is her stand.
> 
> ...


Distance is ok for some things, but not in this area. If she is refusing to let him out of her life, she is choosing him over you and has started the path to cheating. It only gets worse trust me.

You don't need a platform to stand on, you are FIGHTING for your marriage. There is NO good that can come of her being in a friendship with her ex, especially when she is having marital problems. If she needs someone to talk to, it needs to be you. By allowing this to continue, you are encouraging her to establish an intimate connection with another man.

You need to find your nuts! You made a mistake, admit it, apologize for it, but do not use it as an excuse for your wife to cheat on you. Your wife will respect you for taking a hard stance on this, because it shows you care about her. You're not doing it to be a jealous A**hole, you're doing it because you care about her and you want to protect your marriage. If she can't choose you over him, then the marriage is already dead.

The resentment is something both of you will have to work through, and it takes a lot of time and effort, from both of you. I'm hoping your finding the things that you did to push her away (besides just the infidelity), and working to correct those things.

In the meantime, you need to start snooping your ass off. If she is texting/emailing this guy, start reading the texts/emails. Install a keylogger on her computer. Put a VAR (voice activated recorder) in the house or car, wherever she takes his phone calls. If she is physically meeting this guy, you are in trouble and need to get a PI on it or minimum GPS in her purse. It only takes one brief moment for old flames to get out of hand.

If you find anything, don't reveal your source or your evidence. Once you do, you lose it forever. Use it as a barometer for her truth telling, if she's confessing everything or holding back you'll know.

As for the 180, someone else can provide a hard link, I can never seem to find it. It comes from the book "Divorce Busting". It's a list of principles when your marriage is in a state like yours, the wife picks another person over you. Basically you treat her respectfully but start to find your own life. Acting as if you know the marriage will not work. The end result is that it builds confidence and a mindset for moving on, making you more attractive and pulling the spouse towards you. If the spouse doesn't want to make it work, you put yourself in a situation where you are better equipped to go forward alone.


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

fallen76 said:


> Due to my insecurities and need for attention I flirted online with random women.


And what insecurities are these?


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

This happened early in my marriage and it took several years for us to heal. What are you doing to deal with your insecuriteis in other ways? It sounds like you are still insecure and if you don't develop new ways of learning how to love yourself and be happy, you are at risk of being unfaithful again.

Why do you think your wife is cheating with her ex? Unless you have some really strong indicators or actual proof, I would not jump to that conclusion.

You can recover but you need a really good marriage therapist and to allow enough time to heal.

It IS okay to ask your wife to focus her attention on you and you need to do a good job being more loving and giving. It is a HUGE blow to a woman's self esteem to have her husband cheat on her. Intillectually your wife may understand that you cheated because of YOUR issues, but emotionally she may feel like she was not "enough" for you and that is why you strayed. This will take some time for her to move past. 

You are going to have to sit with your feelings on this....something which is hard for many people to do. But your feelings are not necessarily a call to action.

I would suggest IC for just you to work on yourself further.


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## BreatheLove (Dec 30, 2011)

Getting closer to her ex.. well may be she's just trying to punish you by showing you how it feels. Because obviously she has been broken. May be she's doing this so you don't repeat the same behaviour once you know how it feels.
Since she's been cheated upon, it will be very difficult for her to trust you. Everything you do will arouse suspicion no matter how truthful you are.
Give her time. Give her the special status in your life. Let her know how special & important she is to you. Because more than your transparency she needs emotional support to get out of this turmoil.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BreatheLove (Dec 30, 2011)

Oh and I'm saying this because my boyfriend of 5 years had cheated on me, the same cyber thing, no physical intimacy with anyone. And he was guilty about it. I didn't forgive him immediately but took time. So don't worry, just give her time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

Personally I dont think you will ever be able to fix what you have done. She will always have it in the back of her head that you cheated on her its something that she will have to live with. The contact with her x is really wrong seems to me like she is covering the hurt and anger that she feels by talking to him. I think you should try and put a stop to that just in case she starts getting feelings for him which will totally destroy your marriage. Give it time and maybe things will get back on track just dont give up.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

As an FYI, when my husband had two EAs early in our marriage, I talked with my ex (with whom I have kids) about it often because we have a very amicable divorce and I wanted him to know what was going on. My ex encouraged me to stick it out with my husband (which was good advice!). Not all exes want to get back together with each other! 

However, if you feel uncomfortable with her talking about your marriage with outside parties, you should tell her. But don't assume she's having an affair.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

For every one story like yours, there's 5 where the wife and ex start up an EA. It's just not good mojo when your spouse is vulnerable and hurting to take comfort with someone of the opposite sex, especially when there is a past there.


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