# Problems..problems...



## Mntmom (Mar 28, 2013)

I will try to condense this as much as possible. My husband and I are both 50, and have been together for 30 years (27 married). He has always had a higher sex drive than I, and has always complained that he doesn't get enough. Even when we were dating, he complained. Five years ago he had an affair with a co-worker. We went to counseling, and remained together. However, in all honesty, I feel as though I am the only one who made an effort to improve our marriage. I purposely started having sex with him more often, and did things I wasn't necessary comfortable with, introduced toys...etc. because he desired it. Even when we were having a lot of sex, he would find something else to complain about and still utilized internet porn. He hasn't utilized any of the suggestions made by the counselor. Part of the problem is we don't have many common interests, and I feel as he has a serious issue with communication, in that he makes important decisions without consulting me. In reality, I got tired of it being a one-sided effort, and I am not as sexually attracted to him as I was because of the affair he had (I know the woman). Sex has become a task for me, something I have to do in order to try and keep him happy....it doesn't seem to matter if I'm in the mood or not to him.....He constantly makes crude sexual comments to me even though I have told him I don't like to be talked to in that way. I actually asked him if he does that because he thinks it will turn me on...and he said no....he does it because he wants to have sex. He does have depression and anxiety, and has taken medication for it most of his life. I have come to the conclusion that going back to the counselor is futile, as he will just argue with her and he won't change anyway. I am becoming weary with the whole relationship. Anyone ever deal with something similar, and did your relationship survive? Thanks for any advice.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It's not wise to post threads all over the place. Pick one form and post one thread. Otherwise your advice gets diluted. 
I suggest you delete the other thread.


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## Mntmom (Mar 28, 2013)

Well...ok...someone suggested on the OTHER thread to post it here. I'm new so give me a break...I deleted it....took me a few minutes.
Already discouraged with this forum and this is the first time I have posted.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You have been with him for 30 years and now you are thinking of divorce? Seems a bit strange that you kept on for 30 years.

Do you have any childen together?

I think that you would benefit from individual counseling to find ways to handle this.

For example the best way to put a stop to the crude comments to make sure that he knows that it will never lead to sex. When he mades one just say something like ..."Oh... i was just about to jump your bones. But now that you said that I'm so turned off it will probably be a week before I can get that gross stuff out of my head." and walk away.

We teach others how to treat us. So find ways to retrain him. It's not true that old dogs cannot learn new tricks.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Mtnmom

Why are you allowing this disrespectful cretin to treat you like a $2 wh0re? 

Did you ever expose the affair to the other woman's husband? Do they work together? 

What makes you think he's faithful? 

Why are you still with him? Divorce attorneys are easy to find.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mntmom said:


> Well...ok...someone suggested on the OTHER thread to post it here. I'm new so give me a break...I deleted it.
> Already discouraged with this forum and this is the first time I have posted.


We were trying to be helpful as we know you will acutally get more help with just one thread. leave this one.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

he has been this way for 30yrs ....don't think its going to change.

if you are truly miserable then decide if its a deal breaker. 

sounds like you guys never really dealt with his affair or at least you still have some resentment about it. 

are you just lower drive than him or do you not desire him?
dose he meet any of your needs ? do you guys spend any time together? do you have fun when your with him?

sounds like your just done and that's fine.


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## HampdenMom (Mar 24, 2013)

So sorry that you are going through this. I am also new to this forum and have little to offer in terms of suggestions (as my life is a total mess as well). 

But, I can completely understand how, after 30 years, you just say "enough". Enough waiting for him to grow up and show you respect, enough hoping things will change, enough waiting for him to be the man you expected him to be. 

For a lot of people who have been together with their spouses a lot shorter time, it's hard to understand that moment when you look at your life and say "oh, hell no..." 50 years old is still young enough to have an adult relationship...but what happens 10 years from now, or 20, when the man you married still hasn't changed, and maybe it's too late to start over?

If this is not the life you want to grow old with, you need to make that change. Any change you make has to be for you, and only you. If he wanted to change, or was willing to, he would have done so by now. Doing things you are not comfortable with does not strengthen your marriage. 

Be your own advocate, and do what you need to do to be happy.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

After 30 years I think you know exactly what kind of a 'man' your husband is.

He should treat you like what you are. A rare creature in angelic form. (All women are rare creatures in angelic form!)

If he can't tell the difference between you and some person on a porn site, then he's not a decent bloke, sad to say.


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## HampdenMom (Mar 24, 2013)

After 30 years, even if you know what kind of man your husband is, it can still be hard to let go of the man you thought he'd become. 

What you think at 20 and know at 50 are vastly different. And when the years in between are spent raising children and building a home, it sometimes happens that once the nest is empty, you take a look at what's left and wonder what the heck?


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## Mntmom (Mar 28, 2013)

It's all so complicated, there are many layers to the onion. We do have children, but the youngest will be graduating from high school in May.
His affair was with a co-worker. They do still work for the same agency, but on different days/shifts. The woman he had an affair with also had an affair with one of his friends (before him), and my husband knew about it, but jumped in anyway (so to speak)...gross...with more layers. He didn't use protection, so testing for STD's was done (clean).
His mother blamed me for his affair, telling me I didn't meet his emotional needs. His sister no longer calls the house, only his cell phone so she can avoid talking to me...He has always been viewed as the Golden Boy in the family because he has a rather prestigious employment position in their eyes.
There is something with his family too.... there are four children...both of his sisters had husbands who had affairs, and they both divorced and remarried. Recently his older brother had an affair and they are dealing with this issue now, which also brought back old feelings for me because I am close to the wife. 
I have always had a lower drive than him...but since he had the affair I desire him less....because I know the woman and the thought of them together grosses me out.
A couple years ago we took a trip to Vegas, and I did everything I could possibly think of to make him happy...we had sex two-three times a day every day we were there (four to five days), went everywhere he wanted to go....and he became upset with me because I didn't care to go into the Playboy Club. I was devastated that he still found something to complain about. 
I am kicking myself for trying so hard, considering I don't think I'm the one who did anything wrong, and he hasn't tried at all....and he is the one who had the affair. He has a certain sense of entitlement, as if I owe him something....probably because he is the bread winner in the family.
I really don't see the future as bright, I can't imagine living the rest of my life in this manner. I have had to start taking an antidepressant....
Financial security for myself is an issue, I did return to school and will be receiving my AAS in a few weeks, and am hoping to find a job in which I can support myself.
It is true, he is not the man I hoped he would become, and he will never change. I know that I need to do what is best for me....
Thank you for all the kind words and support, they are definitely something that I need now.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It does sound like he has not done what is necessary for you to heal after his affair. He has also not done what is necessary to prove that he can be trusted. 

If you feel that you have done all you can, then divorce him.

What state do you live in? 

See an attorney adn find out your rights.


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## HampdenMom (Mar 24, 2013)

Check with an attorney, and use your state's bar association website for reference. I found out that because I set aside my career to be the primary caregiver, and we have been married over 20 years, my husband will have to pay alimony until he retires. Currently, it amounts to over $2,000/month. That combined with my salary will allow me to live fairly well. Maybe not great, but better than living with a compulsive liar who does not respect me.
There are options. There are always options, and knowing what they are gives you power.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Mntmom said:


> .........
> It is true, he is not the man I hoped he would become, and he will never change. I know that I need to do what is best for me.....




Enough said.

You know what needs to be done

Now do it


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

Do you want to stay married to him?

If so, why?

If not, there's your answer.


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## freedom7 (Jul 13, 2012)

Mntmom,

I am so sorry you are here and having had to deal with this difficult situation for so long. It is difficult, draining and dehumanizing to be committed for a long term, and to feel that the effort is all one-sided. 
Your husband is using that he isn't getting enough--to justify his actions--which I suspect includes multiple infidelities. It doesn't sound like he has shown any concern for what you may want in your relationship, ways to make your sexual relationship more desireable to you--it is all about him. You have invested enough time an energies into this, it is not too late for you to lose this scumbag and have a wonderful life with out him.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

And his family crowned him Little Prince Entitled-to-it-all, and he lived happily ever after! (Well, no, he didn't...)


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