# Uh oh here we go again



## ritzbitz (Sep 24, 2013)

This is a long story with much of the detail cut out. I want to present my whole condensed story and see what response anyone out there offers. 

I am a 42 year old mother of three. Married to my H.S. sweetheart who has been unfaithful to me three, yes three, times over our 21 years of marriage. I'm tired and sad all the time now. The original affair was just before and during the first year of our marriage. We "conquered" that and moved on to have our three children. About 10 years ago I discovered that he was mad at me and put out a craigslist ad looking for other women. I saw emails of response. They kept disappearing and I finally confronted him only to find out he did it out of boredom and interest and supposedly never acted on any of them. We weren't really getting along at the time, but I had no idea it was that bad. We passed through that and an outside person accused him of having an affair with an office worker of his. Denied. Then in March of 2011 a husband of his hairdresser called and informed me he was having an affair. That all came out and got ugly. I told him I wanted a divorce and he was extremely reticent and did all the right things. He confessed to our children and had them weigh in. My oldest said basically "I understand you are hurt, but please take enough time to think this through before you decide on divorce". It was a very grown up, thoughtful thing to say. I took his advice and we started going to counseling. We have spent the last year and half making huge strides in our relationship. He has definitely always loved me, obviously it's a screwed up love, because most people won't do these things to someone they love but I knew he would never leave me, it would have to be me and I decided to forgive and put in the effort to make the marriage work, again.

Fast forward to just over a week ago. Someone else contacted me to confirm that work affair of his from years ago. Their marriage just broke up after 4 years and they wanted to blame my husband. It was disheartening. And before I got the full story, it was a just a general contact but I knew who he was and I immediately guessed what it was about. I gave him 3x to tell me the truth and he chose not to. So I got the full story. It was several years ago but yet another affair. Wow. talk about mind blown. I was devastated. When he did finally admit to it, he told me that he confessed this to our marriage counselor who directed him to not tell me about this affair! He said if it was over, it was not the focus of our current problem (the third affair) and that he would just be burdening me with the info that could potentially end our marriage. So my husband agreed not to tell. Until this happened.

I admit things have been different, better on his part, the past year and a half, but this just brought me to a full blown stop. I am a forgivng person. I have forgiven him but this marriage is just too hard, takes too much out of me, I don't think I have it in me. And I'd be crazy to stay with, right? Everyone would tell me that. Even my pastor, I believe. How many more times can I forgive him for this? What if there is another one out there? He swears there is not, but I have heard that before.

I'm so done. Yet he tells me he has enough love and effort to make it work for the both of us. 

Someone tell me I'm crazy if I stay.

I do have a fear of being alone and we have a wonderful life and family that I'd hate to see destroyed. So sad.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

First you are not crazy. Many of us stay through betrayals out of many reasons.

I would fire the MC if you have not done so already. Past A's are not to be rug swept. The MC is following a school of thought that I think is just plain stupid. I am a counselor and yes there are things in the past that need to be moved on from but not A's and not when they were not dealt with in a marriage.

I get the kids. They do not want the marriage to end either. 

Personally I would move on from him.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I won't call you crazy to stay, I will say that expecting him to change after being caught so many times maybe a little crazy. Unless you really make him change and he wants to

Including 110% transparency and honesty.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

And fire the lousy mc


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## brokenhearted118 (Jan 31, 2013)

I don't want to sound like I am passing judgment because we all do really dumb & crazy things in our lives. With that said, my first thought after reading this is, that there is only 3 strikes in baseball. This last discovery of your husband's straying ways is #4. Game Over! How many more times can you fall victim to his antics. At some point you have to realize that if you stay, you are not a victim, but a willing and active participant. 

I'm sorry if that comes across as harsh. I just wanted to offer my opinion. I wish you luck on whatever decision you choose. Good luck.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> And fire the lousy mc


Fire him? I'd sue the rotter!


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

That marriage counselor is an idiot.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Stay and accept he will never change. You only deserve better if you think you do deserve better.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I will do it: You are crazy if you stay.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

Could he change... Maybe. Probably not. 

But even if he could you are going to always be wondering, checking, spying, etc. I don't think that I could live like that, but if you are willing to... to each their own. I try not to pass judgement. I left my exH, and it took me years to do it. So I know how hard of a decision it is.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Look,

This revelation really wasn't a revelation at all! you knew that was an affair whether he admitted it or not. I personally would not use this as my decision point to move on. Quite frankly, $10 will get you $20 that there are several more affairs out there you don't know about.

Your husband is one of those pathological guys who can compartmentalize everything. He probably does really love you. You need to decide what you want and what you are willing to put up with. 

If it was me, I would already be gone. But you have decided that you can forgive and move on. If that is true, then accept that there is even more infidelity in the past.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

First hit that MC on yahoo and other review sites saying he told your cheating husband to conceal an affair!


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## sugarhigh (Sep 1, 2013)

I think you have to do what feels right for you. No one else knows you, your husband, your family or your life. No one has a right to judge you for the choices you make. And you really shouldn't give a bleep what anyone else thinks. It's not their life. It's yours. I say, if you are not sure what to do, you should wait. I fully believe the answer will come in time. One day, you will just know what the right thing is for YOU. My hubby is currently cheating and I am in the same "holding pattern." It's hard and painful and confusing, but as time passes, I am gaining insight and clarity. I'm halfway out the door, just not ready to leave yet. All the pieces will fall into place when the timing is right. I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish you luck, peace and happiness.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your husband was probably ready and willing to tell you at the time but your MC told him not to.

Find out what MCs 'thinking' was on that.


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## Oldrandwisr (Jun 22, 2013)

Wrong to rug sweep on so many levels. What is hardly ever mentioned with the aspect of not revealing an affair is the potential of bringing an STD or worse home to an innocent spouse.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

If you want to live the rest of your life with someone who doesn't value you, treats you like your feelings have no meaning then stay.

It is your choice if you want to stay with him. Consider all the factors then weigh it against the cost of your self respect and dignity and see what the outcome is.

As for the MC, he is a quack. Rug-sweeping is a certain failure. You get better advice here.

As for the other couple. Your husband didn't ruin their marriage. His cheating ho wife did. It was her choice to cheat. The husband wanted a little revenge and decided to let you know. He did it for selfish reasons, not because he cares that you deserve to know the truth. He is intent on hoping your marriage fails like his did. That is an evil motive! If he told you when he found out 4 years ago, it would be different. Take what he says with a grain of salt. He has motives to destroy your marriage for revenge.

I'm not saying what he says is a lie, but he may very well exaggerate what really happened. He may not. You will never know the full truth because everyone involved in that mess are liars, cheaters, or just plain angry.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I wouldn't take a face value the MC things just because he tells it. He's a lier, right? Can you reach out that MC to confirm so you can tell everyone who wants to hear the crappy MC he is?

And you know well there's more, that's jut the tip of the iceberg. He's a serial cheater, started right after the wedding and never stopped. The rest are times of having you in the dark, tons of blameshifting, fake remorse and... lies.
He never confessed a thing, it was you or theis other woman husband who caught him. What are the chances you know everything?

Polygraph.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

My first thought was that he was lying about what the MC said also.

Cheaters lie at the drop of the hat.

Serial cheaters are rarely able to quit.

The chances he will change are slim and none.

The sooner you get out, the sooner you can have areal life.


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## ritzbitz (Sep 24, 2013)

Thank you for all the responses and great and not so great advice. To clear up some things:

There is no doubt my husband loves me, in his own weird way.
There is no doubt that he never wanted to end our marriage.
I fully believe he is a compulsive liar and has an affair addiction.
The quack MC worked really well focusing him on his problem, and he has changed, somewhat that I can see, is it enough? I don't really know but am skeptical.
Upon hearing last week that the MC gave him this advice, I didn't believe it so we made an appt and went in to see him within a couple of hours of hearing this. He confirmed that is in fact his philosophy. He's an older polish gentleman. I personally don't understand his philosophy because covering up (or rug sweeping as you all call it) is wrong imo. But to be honest, my marriage would have been over had I found out there was yet another affair.
The reason I haven't left yet is that I can see this itty bit of change that my husband has shown over the past year and a half.

To those of you that say you would have left him long ago, you don't know how otherwise wonderful this man is. The best father, my three children are fun, smart, thoughtful and he has taught, disciplined and loved like the best father ever. He is hardworking and loves to give and give to all of us. My father had a severe stroke a year ago and my husband spent months going over in the morning to change and wake up my dad for the day and still goes over at the drop of a hat any time day or night to care for him as my mom often needs the help. He always can make me laugh. He is totally affectionate and loving, always has been. He tells me I'm beautiful and how much he loves me and often, how sorry he is. He watches (occassionally) chick flicks and cries with me. He has no other addictions like drinking, gambling, pornography (surprising huh?). Without the affairs, he would be nearly perfect.

That being said I am unsure if all of that is worth it. This is my dilemma. Stay with all these wonderful things and deal with the extreme betrayal. Or leave, break up my wonderful family and deal with being alone or dating in this crazy world we live in.

I hate the position he's put me in.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

The philosophy of the MC is not so strange. There is a good many MCs out there who follow this line of thinking. That the past is the past and their goal is to move you into the future. The problem is that sometimes the past is the problem. If you had a traumatic head injury (TBI) ten years ago. Then you see a doctor. You tell him about your TBI and that you are now having headaches and blurred vision and you feel that it is related to your TBI. The doctor says, "Oh that happened in the past, let's focus on getting you better". He is not completely wrong. But if he does not look at your current brain function and the damage that the prior injury has on your current condition, he is totally wrong. The problem with the MC telling your husband not to reveal it is problematic for me in that now you know about it and avoiding it and telling your husband not to discuss it, shows that by covering it up and having it revealed created more problems.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Concealing an affair has doubtless saved many marriages, but it is sad that part of the evil of infidelity, the dishonest concealment, should be part of the rescue.

You will not survive another affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

I think it is totally possible for someone to love you, yet cheat on you...even repeatedly...its the respect thats lacking...respect for you AND self-respect...I am very sorry for you, these stories are so sad, and even sadder when the cheated on still loves the cheater and vice versa...its easier when the op hates the cheaters guts LOL

life and marriage isnt a hallmark card, or a meg ryan/julia roberts chick flick...people, even well educated well adjusted people, do stupid things and make mistakes...men and women hit different stages in their lives and sometimes just plain dont handle them well...im sure plenty of kid-life-crisis affairs happen to people in a usually good happy marriage

there is just so much grey area...I know someone who overlooked their husbands affairs for years...he doesnt do it any more (they are in their late 60's) and they seem like a very happpy couple...I can only GUESS the internal struggle/hell this poor woman went through and probably still does on occasion today...they are VERY religious so she finds strength there

I sincerely hope whatever you choose works out for you...I cant tell you, certainly, what that is...if you choose to make it work, or if you decide you want someone who respects you enough to not stray...I hope it works out, you deserve happiness...we all do!


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## helpandadvice (Sep 13, 2013)

I wish my wife wanted to work things out. I know you do not want to hear that, but at least you have a choice.

My wife had an affair and wants out of our marriage. I have tried everything and nothing has changed. I wish I had a chance in saving my family.

I would give it one last chance and be very strict on your rules. Follow what others have said in other threads because it sounds like you have just forgiven him each time. Let him know you mean business.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Silvr Surfer (Sep 25, 2013)

Why do we assume the MC actually told him that in those words? It's the husband's word we're taking?

Edit: Just saw the above response from OP. Please disregard


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## ritzbitz (Sep 24, 2013)

Today is our 21st wedding anniversary. In just a few days it will be the 27th dating anniversary. Well more than half my life with this man. We had a soul wrenching deep talk last night and tonight for our anniversary we will spend an hour with the quack MC. The only reason I will go back to him is I remember from our series of meetings 1.5 years ago how he railed my husband on his bad decisions, bad behavior and his extreme stupidity while praising me for the opposite. I still do not agree with his sweeping under the rug philosophy but I think I see his POV. I will make my decision on whether to continue with him after tonight. I may seek another MC if I choose to stay in this marriage. I've been blunt with my husband and told him that I'm moving on, that I've put in so much work in this marriage that I'm feeling lazy and not interested. That I will bring up his infidelities and these hurt feelings often. That I may take advantage of his guilty and giving spirit (you want a new house? a cabin? Let's go to FL for Christmas. I'll buy you that piece of jewelry you wanted?). He's still in it while I'm checking out. Some days it's just too much to even think on. Other days I'm consumed. I know many of you reading this will understand these feelings and I also know many of you will not understand choosing to deal with them 3x. I can't explain it but I do appreciate those comments where some of you have said "it's your life", "don't worry about what others say", etc.

I do have my faith which has kept me grounded and sane. I do know I am not culpable in his decisions to have these affairs. I do know I have a wonderful family. These things will hopefully help me keep my self worth intact while I make the toughest decision in my life.

Thank you.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think you have just the tip of the iceberg, so the question is what would you do if you had the whole truth? If you think you can live with his 'personality,' then you're good. If you think any more revelations would be dealbreakers, then I would insist on a polygraph. He's done a lot more, I'm betting.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Your husband sounds just like my man. I think if I stayed with him, I would be in exactly your position in 20 or so years time. We don't have children together, though I would have done before I realised his true personality, which coming to this site and educating myself on his behaviour has been the greatest education of my life. And we are not married. Though we have talked about it. He says all the right things. We both have children from previous relationships. 

He is funny, intelligent, an amazing dad, the most perfect partner, he does things for me, us, without being asked, if I ask him to do something once, it is done, he would drop everything for me if needed, he is so supportive with me and my kids, he makes me laugh all the time. He is very affectionate, very loving. I know he loves me a lot. He is perfect for me in every way....except that! 

He has cheated. And he lies. Little lies, and big ones. He has become a lot better with his honesty, but he still can't quite give it all. All lies are to do with the 'why's, all to do with anything regarding infidelity, his feelings on it, anything remotely connected to sex and others. 

I only know about one, I am convinced there is more. 

I have spent 2 & half years halfway out the door. He has given me transparency....somewhat. He has tried a lot in his own way. But he never quite gives his all. 

Not quite sure what I am trying to say here, other than I hear you. I understand. I see completely how difficult it is to weigh up the pros and cons of staying or leaving. I understand only a fraction though...the questions you ask are the same I have. And yet I am only 4 years in with the man I have wanted my whole life and never thought possible to find. You are 20+ years in with that man. And so much more to lose. 

I have no answers or insight. Me and my man have been on and off for the whole of our 4 years due to his lies, his treatment of me, and eventually the infidelity coming out. You have a whole different past with the same man as me it seems. 

I don't think they can love fully. I think their love is defined by what they can give and what they receive. It is a shallow love. And yet such a fulfilling love for us on the receiving end (if we remove the infidelity completely)....yet they are never fulfilled and love their ego to be stroked. Love to see the beauty in others, and if made available, to take that beauty also. 

The loyalty and commitment is not there. The empathy is not there. The love of what they wish for, a solid stable family, is. But they cannot give up on a desire to be wanted. By anyone it seems. 

No answers for you. Just understanding. Sorry.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> First hit that MC on yahoo and other review sites saying he told your cheating husband to conceal an affair!


did I miss where you talked to the counselor to confirm the validity of your lying husband?
if this has not happened, I would not buy it from his lips, go talk to the MC if you have not to get the truth


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

oops, sorry, I found the post. Terrible advice IMO from the MC.
If you wish to R ( i wouldn't), I highly recommend the polygraph idea.


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## Claufjdia (Sep 26, 2013)

Maybe. Probably not.


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