# Telling wife tonight that I need to get out of marriage



## JoeSally (Feb 5, 2013)

I'm 33. So is she. We've been married 22 months and have no kids. We were dating for 2 years before that. We were close friends for 12 years before that. I love her. I still love her. But for at least a year, I feel incredibly depressed and bored by the marriage and I'd say if I had to make a decision any day over the past year to stay in the marriage or leave, I would have chosen leave. Certainly in the past few months. Part of me feels I have an obligation to have children, so I should stay in the marriage for that. (She doesn't want them but after a night a few months ago, where I was ready to get divorced and told her that staying in the marriage with no children was not an option, she seemed to agree more to it). I think if I get divorced the odds are that I will never get married again. I recently talked to my doctor about upping the very low dose of antidepressants that I have been on for the past 10 years. THinking that this would save my marriage by making me less depressed. The reason I am posting here is that I am not 100% sure that this is the right thing. I have been fluctuating for a year between 40% and 90% sure that I want out, but I can't imagine ever being at 0%(meaning 100% sure that want to stay married). A kid may help the situation(is that a crazy thought?) Is it crazy to think that at least a kid would get rid of the boredom and give me a purpose. I do still love her and think I always will. She was a dear friend to me that I counted on for years and we took a step to turn that friendship into a marriage. It was ill-thought out. It's already a virtually sex-less marriage. (once or twice a month now, after i had complained about it a few months ago after about 6 months of no sex). Truth is, I am no longer sexually attracted to her, but i have been pretending to be for a while now. But again I do love her. She could be the one that I could have kids with and fulfill that obligation and give me that purpose every day of raising a child or 2. Maybe this is a crazy thought though. That may be a bad environment for the kid, if i end up regretting it. I am lost, and again some part of me doesn't want to(and a big part of me is scared to) take this step. Should i be waiting until I am 100% sure I want out, or is that never going to happen and since I know i will never be 100% sure I want to stay in, am i doing the right thing. I will post mroe if I think of more things to say. Thank you all in advance for any advice.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Please do NOT have kids to try to fix your marriage. It will likely just cause more stress to an already bad relationship, and if/when you do split up, it will tie you to her for another 18 years and greatly complicate the process.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

How much have you done to work on your marriage? Talked to your wife? Gone to counselling ? Read relevant books?

Your post sounds as though you probably have done very little of these (my apologies if I am wrong here). So my first piece of advice is work at your marriage. Many relationships go into a dip after the first couple of years. You really have not given things much time as yet.

Good luck


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

At 33 you should know better than to have a child just to fix your relationship.

And from everything I've read so far you're using depression as a crutch. If you don't have those feelings for her anymore just have the stones to tell her. But don't blame it on a "condition".

I'm sorry I'm being harsh, but I can only imagine what she will be going through about now.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

And please don't think that not being married is going to "fix" your depression magically. Until you resolve the cause of your depression, it's just baggage you'll carry with you no matter where you go. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## eyuop (Apr 7, 2013)

There is a lot to this story. For instance, where is the depression for you coming from (the source)? Was it there when you were dating? Is she also depressed? Depression is serious enough on its own to destroy almost any relationship.

Has there been any others involved? I'm not talking just about infidelity, but are you or your wife seeking emotional satisfaction in other people?

At this point in the picture, mostly what I'm seeing is a depressed husband and a wife who is the one struggling to respect you. Are you two doing okay financially? Depression usually affects work performance as well. Good sexual intimacy has a lot to do with how your are doing in your relationship in other areas. Communication, affection, mutual respect, a drive to do what is best for each other (best interest of the other in mind). 

If you are on medication, I would assume you have seen a doctor/psychiatrist. Have you gotten counseling for your marriage, too? You mentioned you would probably not get married again, but why not -- you are still in your prime! It is difficult for a woman to be passionate and excited about being married to a man who is depressed and sees no light at the end of his tunnel. 

Before you end your marriage, I would encourage you to work on yourself. You don't sound like you are doing well, and I (and others here) would encourage you not to make any big decisions while you are in this frame of mind. You can climb out of depression -- you don't have to remain depressed. Wanting to get a divorce and then thinking of remaining single at 33 sends up all kinds of red flags. It sounds to me like you are throwing in the towel and just giving up on life and your future.

That is why you have hope in a child. A child does bring some wonder and joy into a relationship. But a child also brings challenges that I'm not sure you are ready to face in the condition you are in. If your sex life is slow now, just wait until most of her attention is on a little baby. Even couples who had a pretty regular sex life pre-baby find post-baby a bit disruptive in this department.

I dipped into depression for the first time in my life about a year ago. Everything felt impossible. Even just getting out of bed and taking out the garbage seemed like impossible tasks. I had that "I can't squeeze my toothpaste in the morning" weak feeling all of the time. I thought I had chronic fatigue syndrome. It scared me bad because it lasted for a couple of months. For the first time in my life my own libido slowed way down, too. I felt literally like I was dying inside, and nothing that I tried to do made a difference. I felt like I had no significance.

Let me challenge you, man to man. Look in the mirror. What do you see? Who do you see? What do you want out of life? As hard or impossible as it seems, you need to ask these questions and then take steps to do what it takes. If you can't get there on your own, then get in the car and go see a counselor. I did just this. I found a pastoral care center in my area that was by donation only so it didn't cost me a fortune. There was a whole team of professional people who could walk me through what I was dealing with. They had open arms, were not at all judgmental, and they simply had my best interest in mind and helped me in my journey toward a better life. They were compassionate, loving, respectful, and my confidentiality was held in highest regard. They had DVDs, books, and a host of resources I could simply borrow and return. They even gave me some books to keep for free. 

I'm a much different man now than when I trudged into their office.

You need your life back, and divorce, a child, another relationship -- none of those things are going to get it back for you. You need to tell your wife that you are going to get some professional help and go for it. Even if your marriage doesn't work out (I still hope it does!) you will be in a position to have a fulfilling life in the future. I've been married for 17 years and have two daughters who are almost both in their teens. I wouldn't trade what I have for the whole world -- but I'll tell you there has been a few times I've felt like giving up and throwing in the towel. I'm so glad I didn't trust those feelings and do anything I would have seriously regretted for the rest of my life! 

You can have a great marriage. You can. One more thing I would like to say that helped us. We read a book called "The DNA of Relationships" by Gary Smalley. It pinpointed some of our core fears and why we acted the way we did toward each other when our "fear buttons" were being pushed. It was a real eye opener, and it really changed the way we related to each other and improved our communication immensely. 

I respect you for coming here and sharing your story. Thanks!


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

sinnister said:


> At 33 you should know better than to have a child just to fix your relationship.
> 
> And from everything I've read so far you're using depression as a crutch. If you don't have those feelings for her anymore just have the stones to tell her. But don't blame it on a "condition".
> 
> I'm sorry I'm being harsh, but I can only imagine what she will be going through about now.


OUCH!!!!, but :iagree:


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You should not be having kids when you feel this way.

Kids are an incredible commitment emotionally and time wise.

You are responsible for them 24x7x365x18 years. It's a major impact to even strong marriages.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

JoeSally said:


> Truth is, I am no longer sexually attracted to her, but i have been pretending to be for a while now.


You should be attracted to your spouse. If you aren't, no amount of marriage counseling or kids are going to fix that. You will still be miserable, you will just be miserable with kids.

I understand keeping your vows, but it's also not fair for your wife to be married to someone that isn't even attracted to her. That's probably why your marriage is "virtually sexless". 

It might help to imagine what if you had your "dream wife"? What would be different about her than what you have now? Then try to decide if there is a realistic chance of any of those changes happening with your wife now. It will also help you decide if there is anything that would help with your current depression. It might not be related to your wife at all.


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## JoeSally (Feb 5, 2013)

First of all, thank you for all the responses and it is impossible to be too harsh. Harsh is fine , hasrsh is good and that is why I am posting annonymously on a forum, so I can get honest responses. A lot of focus has been on my depression. I have not been seeing a therapist. I see a psychoparmacologist 2 or 3 times a year for a half hour session. I was diagnosed after an hour and a half session, where she basically asked me a bunch of quesitons and diagnosed me as bipolar. I do have intense feelings of mania (that I can control) and depression and I probably should see a therapist. I have tried at times over the past ten years and I've always felt like it was useless to talk to a stranger and have stopped after 1 session. I could try again. I actually expected more answers here like("if you are this unsure after a year, it only gets better not worse") I am getting the opposite which is definitely making me re-think. 
I should add to the discussion that I made the mistake of confiding in my family a few months ago. While, I have been talling them that things are better, they won't let go of it and keep telling em it won't get better and I shoudl get divorced(but they never liked her to begin with). I cannot have them in the same room now(wife and parents) and my father even has a 10,000 dollar reward to anyone who can convince me to get divorced.(Found this out from my brother. THey don't know that I know) That stress has not helped. 
Back to the depression, I understand that marriage isn't the cause, but I used to at least feel like I can escape when I came home, and now I feel trapped at all times. gotta get back to work, I'll post mroe later. Thank you all!!


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Can't really add any more to this as it has already been said. Not to quote Dr. Phil but I will....! Kids should not be born with a job. You are looking to have a child to make your life more interesting. If you are looking for that child to improve your marriage, think again. If the marriage is already cracked, having a child will only break it. The best couples I knew cracked under the pressure of children. It's a whole new set of issues and frustrations. 

It's sad that you don't think you'd ever marry again. You are only 33 years old. Many people these days aren't getting married for the first time until late 20's, early 30's and kids are coming much later.


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## Isuck (Jul 1, 2012)

Don't have a kid. That is not fair to the child. They're not solutions to problems, you have kids for a lot of reasons but not to fix a marriage. That is a bad idea and you know it's not going to fix anything.

If there's no sex life now and you are not attracted to her, why are you with her? It sounds like the relationship is dead now anyway. What is keeping you in it? You said you're bored, so either fix it yourself or leave. Don't rely on her to fix your boredom. Fix it yourself.

If you're not happy you cannot blame others for your unhappiness. You control it. Don't transfer any fault to her. The saying is "it's not you it's me." This applies in your situation I think.

You can try to get some help for your depression, that's a good idea. But like someone already said, making life changing decisions in this state is not a good plan. Work on yourself first then decide what path you're going to go on for the rest of your life.


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## JoeSally (Feb 5, 2013)

I should clarify that it's not that I think I will never find someone again. I am decent looking and ahve always been able to turn on the charm. I've had several girlfiends and I'm sure I could get another one. However, I don't think living with someone is possible for me for an extended period. The only other girl I've tried ti with didn't work. And in my eraly twenties and in college any male roomates always ended badly(this was also before antidpressants and I used to have some bad manic eposiodes). I also have a bit of a gambling addiction. Not much to say about that, but just throwing that out there to help paint the picture. Thank you all!!


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> Is it crazy to think that at least a kid would get rid of the boredom and give me a purpose.


Its completely unfair to the child .Having a child to fill some sort of VOID in your life /to "fix" you is dead wrong.And especially with a spouse who you had to coerce/threaten into having the child with you .Totally wrong.Not to mentions its completely unrealistic to expect that having a child will fix a broken marriage .


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## PM1 (Aug 9, 2011)

JoeSally said:


> Part of me feels I have an obligation to have children, so I should stay in the marriage for that. (She doesn't want them but after a night a few months ago, where I was ready to get divorced and told her that staying in the marriage with no children was not an option, she seemed to agree more to it). .


So I usually try not to fire off strong advice too often, but I have to say, do NOT have kids. At least for right now. And if you get to a point where you are healthy enough, is it right to have to talk your spouse into it and risk resentment and future issues? It sounds like you have plenty to work through before the kid discussion even factors in. 

I know nothing about what its like to be bipolar, but since a parent's job is helping kids learn how to cope with life, and if there is even a chance you could pass along the condition, don't you think you should learn how to truly cope with this so if/when you have a kid, you could pass along that wisdom? 

I'm not sure where your sense of obligation to have kids stems from, but don't feel like you have to do that. If you want to be around kids, go volunteer somewhere where you can help kids out. It might even help you feel good and be a stabilizing influence for you, but also allow you to do it in small, manageable doses that do not negatively impact the kids.

Good luck, this is a lot to handle.


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## JoeSally (Feb 5, 2013)

PM1 said:


> I'm not sure where your sense of obligation to have kids stems from, but don't feel like you have to do that. If you want to be around kids, go volunteer somewhere where you can help kids out. It might even help you feel good and be a stabilizing influence for you, but also allow you to do it in small, manageable doses that do not negatively impact the kids.
> 
> Good luck, this is a lot to handle.


Thank you. This has also been a thought. Years ago I used to volunteer 1 or 2 hours a week tutoring kids in a shelter for victims of domestic violence. not trying to pat myself on the back it was only 1 to 2 hours a week and I stopped since I got scared of swine flu(this was during the big nyc outbreak a few years ago.) Then I got married and what not adn foocused on that. If i do get divorced, i will try to get that volunteer job again and/or a diferent one and try to really at least do a part in helping the next generation.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

JoeSally said:


> my father even has a 10,000 dollar reward to anyone who can convince me to get divorced.(Found this out from my brother. THey don't know that I know) That stress has not helped.



OK, that is just freaking psycho and waaaaaay beyond the acceptable boundaries of parental interference in a marriage. Whatever the problems in your marriage are, your father's actions are beyond the pale. If he really wanted to help, he could offer that $10K to pay for marriage counseling instead. 

I recommend you cut off all contact with your parents for awhile, before you consider cutting off your wife.


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## JoeSally (Feb 5, 2013)

Theseus said:


> OK, that is just freaking psycho and waaaaaay beyond the acceptable boundaries of parental interference in a marriage. Whatever the problems in your marriage are, your father's actions are beyond the pale. If he really wanted to help, he could offer that $10K to pay for marriage counseling instead.
> 
> I recommend you cut off all contact with your parents for awhile, before you consider cutting off your wife.


Tell me about it. I'm not going to cut that contact though. He is doing ti because he cares and he thinks that I am fooling myself into thinking things will get better. THat doesn't justify his actions but I don't think cutting off the contact will help things. I just cut off the conversation if it ever goes that way. I mostly hear about their displeasure from back channels.(bro and sis, and I'm certainly not cutting off contact with them)


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> Having kids will NOT bring you closer together. Having kids will "raise the stakes" in your marriage (this is not the same as being close) and, if anything, will create an environment where the building of resentment will be much more likely.


Yes.My understanding is married couples before children on average report a higher level of marital "happiness" than after children(it goes DOWN)...then that goes back up to "pre -children" levels when they are grown.(IF you stay married LOL)


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## PM1 (Aug 9, 2011)

JoeSally said:


> If i do get divorced, i will try to get that volunteer job again and/or a diferent one and try to really at least do a part in helping the next generation.


How about even if you don't divorce? Maybe it would satisfy a need and help your marriage if you felt validated and happy for helping? Or maybe someday both go. Anything that helps you overcome your depressive feelings seems like something worth trying if you want to stay together?


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

JoeSally said:


> I'm 33. So is she. We've been married 22 months and have no kids. We were dating for 2 years before that. We were close friends for 12 years before that. I love her. I still love her. But for at least a year, I feel incredibly depressed and bored by the marriage and I'd say if I had to make a decision any day over the past year to stay in the marriage or leave, I would have chosen leave. Certainly in the past few months. Part of me feels I have an obligation to have children, so I should stay in the marriage for that. (She doesn't want them but after a night a few months ago, where I was ready to get divorced and told her that staying in the marriage with no children was not an option, she seemed to agree more to it). I think if I get divorced the odds are that I will never get married again. I recently talked to my doctor about upping the very low dose of antidepressants that I have been on for the past 10 years. THinking that this would save my marriage by making me less depressed. The reason I am posting here is that I am not 100% sure that this is the right thing. I have been fluctuating for a year between 40% and 90% sure that I want out, but I can't imagine ever being at 0%(meaning 100% sure that want to stay married). A kid may help the situation(is that a crazy thought?) Is it crazy to think that at least a kid would get rid of the boredom and give me a purpose. I do still love her and think I always will. She was a dear friend to me that I counted on for years and we took a step to turn that friendship into a marriage. It was ill-thought out. It's already a virtually sex-less marriage. (once or twice a month now, after i had complained about it a few months ago after about 6 months of no sex). Truth is, I am no longer sexually attracted to her, but i have been pretending to be for a while now. But again I do love her. She could be the one that I could have kids with and fulfill that obligation and give me that purpose every day of raising a child or 2. Maybe this is a crazy thought though. That may be a bad environment for the kid, if i end up regretting it. I am lost, and again some part of me doesn't want to(and a big part of me is scared to) take this step. Should i be waiting until I am 100% sure I want out, or is that never going to happen and since I know i will never be 100% sure I want to stay in, am i doing the right thing. I will post mroe if I think of more things to say. Thank you all in advance for any advice.



Whatever you do please do not have kids.


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## plasmasunn (Apr 3, 2013)

JoeSally said:


> Tell me about it. I'm not going to cut that contact though. He is doing ti because he cares and he thinks that I am fooling myself into thinking things will get better. THat doesn't justify his actions but I don't think cutting off the contact will help things. I just cut off the conversation if it ever goes that way. I mostly hear about their displeasure from back channels.(bro and sis, and I'm certainly not cutting off contact with them)


You haven't said why no one in your family likes her. I'm just curious. No one in my family ever cared for my brother's wife, for many reasons (she's just crushed his heart too many times to count) and now they're divorcing. I'd like to hear why your family is pressuring you so much. 

Now, I'll echo everyone's sentiment: kids won't fix anything. Don't play that game with someone's life.

Beyond that...I am 29, married and I have serious issues with depression, anxiety and panic attacks. My mood swings, dark outlook and hopelessness have seriously affected my husband, as well. I've been married almost 5 years (together for 8) and it wasn't until just last year that I finally realized HOW MUCH my depression impacted my husband. I, too, have had similar thoughts on leaving..."This is boring, life is boring, there has to be better, maybe I'll just bail, that'll fix stuff" etc, etc. Thing is, my husband is my partner in life...we vowed to support each other through ups and downs and we've taken that pledge seriously. HE was the one who finally convinced me to get back into counseling and after half a dozen bouts with therapists that just didn't help, I FINALLY found someone with whom I connected on a personal level and learned a TON. Things are better for me now, but I still have occasional bouts with the hopelessness. 

Go to counseling. Immediately. Even beyond your wife and your marriage, you need help now. Depression and being bi-polar is serious, scary and difficult to manage. If you hate your counselor on the first visit, find a new one. Even if you decide to leave, you'll have to work on yourself before you find any happiness at all in life or relationships. 

Now...why happened to the attraction to your wife? Was it there and it got lost? Were you ever really attracted to her? As friends, did you guys just decide "hey, we can make this work" and settled instead of truly being in love? When did the sexlessness start? Why is it happening? have you considered the possibility your wife doesn't want to have sex with someone who seems they can't be happy? (I only ask this because I've had experience...we've actually fought about this one...when I get really mopey, I try to have sex because I just want to feel something, but my husband has a hard time being into it when I act disconnected and sad...and rightfully so!) 

It seems to me you're throwing in the towel prematurely. Marriage is hard, my friend. (Some will say it's effortless, I don't think it's true.) And sometimes, people realize soon (less than 2 years married, this might be you) just how much work it takes and then they bail cause it's easier. BUT...you've gotta be willing to put in the effort to make it work. It sounds like you don't want to. 

Just how much of this have you talked about with your wife?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You think your marriage isn't worth saving because you're bored and don't see that changing. You think you're bored because you're depressed and you dont see that changing. You think you aren't attracted to your wife anymore and you don't see that changing.

There isn't one poster here who is going to agree with your logic because it is fundamentally flawed.

You're bored because you have no hope, no passion, no ambition to alter yourself or your life. You lost attraction to your wife because you don't have sex often enough...dude that doesn't make sense. You may have lost attraction due to the constant hurt and rejection, but not because you aren't getting any!


1. Get your depression bi-polar treated properly. That means med management and talk therapy. How on earth you expect medication alone to fix thinking errors just makes no sense at all! Depression causes the kind of errors in thinking and perception you describe in your first post.
2. Don't make any decisions until you are working your treatment. A pox on physicians who prescribe meds without insisting on therapy!
3. Come back in 8 months and describe what you're feeling and thinking.

Anytime you feel you don't like your life, look within and change what you can. You haven't even begun....


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## plasmasunn (Apr 3, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> You think your marriage isn't worth saving because you're bored and don't see that changing. You think you're bored because you're depressed and you dont see that changing. You think you aren't attracted to your wife anymore and you don't see that changing.
> 
> There isn't one poster here who is going to agree with your logic because it is fundamentally flawed.
> 
> ...


Well said!!!


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## JoeSally (Feb 5, 2013)

plasmasunn said:


> You haven't said why no one in your family likes her. I'm just curious. No one in my family ever cared for my brother's wife, for many reasons (she's just crushed his heart too many times to count) and now they're divorcing. I'd like to hear why your family is pressuring you so much.



They don't like that she is a smoker and generally think she is not a good person, and that i am not happy with her(and either wont admit it to myself or them.) My mother has all sorts of crazy theories(she;s a lesbian, she married me for support becasue she has a ****ty job and doesn't love me, she just wants someone to take care of her like her father takes care of her sick mother). These theories are nuts and I give them no credence and I no longer confide with my parents. I just tell them how happy I am with my wife,




plasmasunn said:


> Now...why happened to the attraction to your wife? Was it there and it got lost? Were you ever really attracted to her? As friends, did you guys just decide "hey, we can make this work" and settled instead of truly being in love?



AS friends, we decided that yes. I told her I loved her, she resopnded positively a couple of years later. She did gain a lot of weight since then(apparently she was bulimic for 7 years..just found out about that one..she thankfully stopped when we started dating, but just told me recently) I don't think it's totally teh weight gain(easily 50-60 pounds at least). It's the boredom with the marriage adn the fact that for years she never tried to initiate sex.



plasmasunn said:


> When did the sexlessness start? Why is it happening? have you considered the possibility your wife doesn't want to have sex with someone who seems they can't be happy?



I may have exaggerated the bipolar thing. Yes, I have a doctor who is convinced I am type II bipolar(the low type). I was at my highest dosage on 200 mg a day of lamictal and recently I've been on 100. I think I'm in good control of it and can distract myself well by compulsively gambling on sports. I defintely am not an overall mopey person. I am a distracted person, that keeps the lack of desire to live to myself becasue I don't want to depress her.





plasmasunn said:


> Just how much of this have you talked about with your wife?


I have tried several times, although I usually keep the depresion stuff out of it. She either cries or shuts down. She's not good at communicating her feelings. There is a lot of silent treatment going on here when she is upset with me in general. Maybe i will give this more time. I am headin gto Atlantic City for the weekend and i am going to take that time to thin kabout it rather than dropping this bomb on her and then leaing her to let it sink in. I realize that this is a bad strategy.

One more thing, I realize I do not come off here smelling like Roses. I am very aware that this is a "not you it's me" sitatuion. That's the whole reason I mentioned never being able to be the type of person that can get married in my first post. I also mentioned that I love her. She deserves better than someone who will constantly be regretting ever getting married adn regretting ever being born. (I even hold out hope that we can still go back to being good friends although this may be me being naive and not considering her hurt feelings) At least alone, I can go into my little hole adn feel good. I've gone years before with no contact with anyone outside of going to work and seeing family occasionally. Literally years in my mid-20's. I miss those days terribly. Not that I would go back to that but somehing in between maybe. Again, i know i sound like an ass here.


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## IceQueen (Feb 25, 2013)

Imagine this. You have a kid with this woman. Will a child make her any more attractive to you? 

Having a child, at least at first, usually means less time to focus on you completely so that you can attend to the child's needs. WHich means less sleep, less sex, etc.

Now, imagine that you and your wife divorce. Depending on what state you live in you will have to give up at least 20% of your GROSS income, PLUS daycare, PLUS medical to your ex. THis is in addition to any money that you will be spending on the kid when you have the child with you. 

Now imagine that you divorce and find someone that you really want to be with. Will that person be able to love a child that you have with another woman? Or would that woman rather have a man who decides to wait to be with a woman that he actually loves and wants to spend his life with, raising their child.

You will do what you are going to do, but trust me when I tell you that a child will not fix the situation, it will in fact probably make it worse.


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## plasmasunn (Apr 3, 2013)

Ok, you touched on a LOT of points...I'll try to address them all. 

Firstly: your family theories. Kudos to you for learning your family doesn't handle this personal information well and ignoring insane theories. 

Next: Your wife has issues with her weight and throw an eating disorder in the mix, she probably has desperately low self esteem. You guys haven't had a healthy sex life...have you considered that her confidence level is absolutely zero and she assumes YOU don't want to have sex with HER? You've already admitted you're not attracted...it's entirely possible she can sense this. This would also explain why she never initiates sex. 

As friends, you decided you guys could make a go as a couple. There is the honest chance here that you two are just better friends. Not all great friends make great couples. However, that's a a good basis for marriages because that "in love" feeling you experience in the beginning of a blossoming romance changes or fades over time...so ya better be good friends if you want it to last!

You are medicated, diagnosed as bipolar and "distract yourself with compulsive gambling." Call me crazy...that doesn't sound healthy. If you didn't mean compulsive and you meant gambling is an innocent hobby (as in, you gamble responsibly, set limits that you don't exceed...) that's a different story. I'm troubled by the fact that you're just medicated for your mental health issues. Someone else mentioned it's crazy for a doc to prescribe that without insisting on counseling. Again, I think you need counseling badly (and this is, like I said, because you have much bigger issues than just being unhappy in your marriage.) 

I don't think you sound like an ass. But, both you and your wife sound rather emotionally immature (pardon me for being so bold.) But, she just "shuts down" when you try to confront her about problems? She gives you the silent treatment? You try to "leave your depression out of it" when you do talk to her? 

Obviously, NONE of that is helpful. 

For some reason, it sounds like neither of you have learned how to communicate with each other about much of anything. 

You think you are "the type of person who can't be married"? Do you really think that? You tried living with one other person and that didn't work? So you think you just can't hack it? That line of thinking just seems lazy to me, you know? Truthfully, I went through that thought process after I left my (bi-polar) ex-boyfriend...but then I realized "Oh wait...I CAN do this with the right person." (but believe me, the first few years of my relationship, I thought ALL of those things about myself...those thoughts are bred of insecurity, depression and selfishness.) 

Dude, you're in a rough spot...and I don't ever take it upon myself to tell someone exactly what they should do with their lives. It's your life.
But when I hear someone say: "She deserves better than someone who will constantly be regretting ever getting married adn regretting ever being born," that sounds like a person who's not only depressed, but has low self esteem in general. Again, i can't emphasize enough how much you need to go talk to someone. It sounds like your wife does too (maybe she already does.) 

I wish I had all the answers you seek, but this is obviously just my objective opinion. Go have fun in Atlantic City, but you also need to spend some serious time thinking about how you're going to tell your wife this stuff. Hurt feelings aside, she absolutely dserves to know the truth...and with just the brief things you've mentioned about her, I bet she has some things she needs to tell you too. It sounds like neither of you is happy. And if you guys never figure out how to open up and actually EXPRESS the (I'm guessing) hurtful thoughts you're thinking...you guys are just doomed. 

If you both are just unhappy and don't know how to go about it, there's a lot of hope for you two (should you both want to work on this marriage.) But, if there are fundamental compatibility issues and neither of you can be open and honest with each other, then maybe this marriage isn't for either of you. 

I sincerely wish you the best...and I'd encourage you to not give up on your marriage and DO NOT GIVE UP ON YOU.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

plasmasunn said:


> Ok, you touched on a LOT of points...I'll try to address them all.
> 
> Firstly: your family theories. Kudos to you for learning your family doesn't handle this personal information well and ignoring insane theories.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Excellent post.

OP you say you do not come up smelling of roses. Do not worry about that. None of us is perfect. I reckon pretty well everyone on this board realises that. It is probably why most of us came here in the first place.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

10 years on an anti-depressant? Have you had therapy during that time? If not, I'd consider it. I'd also think twice about upping the dosage of your anti-depressant without seeking therapy to help you deal with the cause of your depression...

Some years ago I'd been on an anti-depressant for 8 years, and I had started to feel less and less connected with those around me, and more and more depressed. Long story short - I did some research and slowly weaned off the stuff, and I've never looked back. Long term, anti-depressants can have an adverse effect on us physically and mentally.

As for children - don't even consider bringing children into your life right now.


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## JoeSally (Feb 5, 2013)

Finishing up some work so I'll be quick. I want to thank everyone and especially Plasma for taking the time to really write back and constructively try to help a stranger who reaches out. I will try to browse this board occaisionally and if I feel I have wisdom to impart to someone, i will try to pay it forward. (I will mention that I do have limits, both on size of bets and weekly limits, that when I reach, i take rest of week off.) But yes, i know distracting myself with it and some self-medication (herbal that i did not want to mention previously) is not healthy. Again thanks for the time and the great advice. You are all great for helping.


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## plasmasunn (Apr 3, 2013)

JoeSally said:


> Finishing up some work so I'll be quick. I want to thank everyone and especially Plasma for taking the time to really write back and constructively try to help a stranger who reaches out. I will try to browse this board occaisionally and if I feel I have wisdom to impart to someone, i will try to pay it forward. (I will mention that I do have limits, both on size of bets and weekly limits, that when I reach, i take rest of week off.) But yes, i know distracting myself with it and some self-medication (herbal that i did not want to mention previously) is not healthy. Again thanks for the time and the great advice. You are all great for helping.



Hahaha herbal self-medication can be a great relief if you're using it properly, my friend.

Best of luck to you, hope I helped and feel free to get in touch if you ever need an ear or objective listener. Aaaand I hope you win BIG this weekend!!


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## oddball (Sep 5, 2012)

Depression, bipolar, herbal medication, gambling addicition. Mmmm sounds like there are quite a few issues you need to look at here.


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## wifeiam (Apr 1, 2013)

I think you are wise to be addressing this issue as a depression one. Marriage (like day to day life in general,and even parenting) can be boring and for many is. Sure there are those moments of joy and excitement but a lot of it is just day to day life. I do think it is better to set her free early and without kids to find someone who wants to be with her rather then saying. I also like what you say about maybe not getting remarried. This does not make you a bad person! Marriage is not for everyone and that is okay. There may be career or hobby/cause pursuits for you that you will be happier devoting yourself to and that is okay. Good luck with everything.


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## JoeSally (Feb 5, 2013)

Ok. So I did not do it this weekend. I re-affirmed both in my mind and out loud to her that I loved her. I also took the weekend to look internally (and externally, I need to lose weight). From teh beginning of the thread, I've said I know that I am the problem here and while I can nitpick at things that she does that annoy me, they aple in comparison to me being a pain in the ass and mentally unstable. 
I realized that I 
a) have to lose weight and exercise more. Went on the scale today and I am 5'11" and 211 pounds. probably 10 pounds heavier then when i got married just under 2 years ago. So i am starting strict diet today and i am going to work on making it stick, because ulitmately therapy and pills can only do so much if I am living an unhealthy lifestyle. There is a natural lethargy that goes with that which only contributes more to making life unbearable. 
b)start volunteering again even if it's only an hour a week. This was key to get me out my previous lowest point of depression. It is almost more for me than for the people I am helping, because it just makes me feel like i did somehing good and worthwhile at least once a week.
c)get more sleep. I may have previously mentioned that she gets up for work at 5am and I get up at 8. So i always look forward to those hours of alone time at night after she goes to bed(I do lie with her for a while and rub her back and read while she falls asleep), but then i go back out and watch tv and play online poker. I can still do that a little but have to try to get to bed an hour earlier and get closer to 8 hours of sleep.
d)explore therapy options

Thanks again to everyone. I was in bad shape Wednesday night. I am a grown-man who spent the night wacthing his wedding video(that I felt could be some sort of inspiration ot tell me what to do) and went to bed crying and almost made the decision to take the easy way out. This probably would have been a temporary solution to an immediate problem. I came here because really since my wife and i have been close friends for so long, all of my friends are really friends of hers too. So i really have nobody to talk to about this since i do not want to share personal details about her/us with her friends( and made clear why I can't talk to family.(plus friends may not tell me things they think i don;t want to hear..some of you were great at that!!!..and I appreciate it). You all gave great advice and I am glad I did not take the easy way out. This may still not work, but I think there was some benefits to marrying someone who I have such a close friendship with and who when i detach myself from the fact that sometimes I feel trapped and annoyed, I really do love and respect her. That's a huge foundation. Have to fix myself before I throw all that away. You were all a big help with your straight talk and life experiences Thank you.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Bravo Joe!

You've taken stock and decided on a plan of action that sounds reasonable. I would suggest, as some point when you feel more stable mood wise, to focus on developing your own friendships with other men. Other than that, it sounds like you have a good pan for success!


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## eyuop (Apr 7, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Bravo Joe!
> 
> You've taken stock and decided on a plan of action that sounds reasonable. I would suggest, as some point when you feel more stable mood wise, to focus on developing your own friendships with other men. Other than that, it sounds like you have a good pan for success!


:iagree:
I hope there is a happy ending to this. Warms my heart to see someone taking a stand and working on themselves toward a worthy goal. Great advice, Anon Pink! We can all celebrate the little victories together .


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> You should not be having kids when you feel this way.
> 
> Kids are an incredible commitment emotionally and time wise.
> 
> You are responsible for them 24x7x365x18 years. It's a major impact to even strong marriages.


Yes they are and I wish people would stop having them trying to fix crappy marriages.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> You should not be having kids when you feel this way.
> 
> Kids are an incredible commitment emotionally and time wise.
> 
> You are responsible for them 24x7x365x18 years. It's a major impact to even strong marriages.


Only 18 years? Mine are in their twenties and the next task is to give them enough financial help to move out!


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