# Lose weight berfore we have a child?



## bryan81980 (Jun 30, 2011)

Here is my problem. I will try to be as descriptive as possible to answer all questions. 

My wife and I have been living together for 10 years and have been married for 6. We are both 30. College educated, and pretty together in general. We have talked about having a child for the last 7 years or so. We agreed from the very beginging that when we were about 30, we would be ready and excited to have a child under one condition (my condition)....she needed to be healthy, and thin prior to having a child.

Now, my wife is not fat. She is 5'0" and about 130lbs. She is barely over weight. BMI of someone her height and age says that if she is 125 lbs or less, she is at a healthy weight. A little bit of weight on a person that short shows a lot. 

I have told her how I feel about this many times over the years. Never beating around the bush. I am very pre occupied with weight, and I find fatness very unattractive. I could not imagine having an overweight wife. It is way at the top of my list of biggest fears, along with the obvious ones.

So, back when we were 24 or so, thinking about getting married, I was very outspoken about my fat fears. She was perfect, and assured me that her getting fat was not part of the game plan. I admit that I am very shallow about this, but this is no surprise to anyone, including my wife. Or so I thought. 

Now that we are 30, and I'm ready for a child, my request is that she loose some weight prior to even trying for a child. I figure if she can loose 20 pounds before hand, (which would bring her closer the the weight she was when got married), then she can gain that inevitable 20 pounds in the next year or two, and I can handle it, still find her sexy and not resent an overweight wife. 

All this was agreed to before we got married, and now that its time to have kids, she is totally pissed off that I am expecting her to live up to it. A lot of you can argue that she may not gain much weight thru child birth. I have seen many of my friends wifes get real big after kids and never recover. It scares me badly. My wife has slowly gained weight over the years, and shown no signs for loosing any. Contrary to her claiming to be on a diet. She eats a ton for someone with her small frame. When we have meals, she frequently eats the same amount, or more than me, a 6ft tall 170 pound guy. This is very alarming. She is always getting up at night and eating. She has a HUGE appitite, and probably consumes 50% more calories than she needs. I know that if she stopped these habits, she could lose the weight very easily. But she refuses. We have joined gyms together, she quits after 2 months. She is always trying diets, but quits after two weeks. And now she is down right ready to kill me because I wont compromise on this. I dont feel that she has put in any effort at all. 

I know I'm being kind of a pig about this, but my attitue has not changed in the 10 years we have been together. She says she thought I'd grow out of it. I have not. I may in the future, who knows. One thing I love about our relationship is the no bull **** approach. We have always lived by it. She does not hesitate to bust my balls when I mess up. We dont tip toe around issues.

The bottom line is she feels she does not need to live up to this deal we made, and I feel as though its still a major priority. 

Not sure where to go from here, we are very upset with eachother right now. Any advice would be helpful.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I wonder why she's continuing to gain weight/eat unhealthily (portion size and getting up at night) and why she quits the gym? Curiosity has me wondering if there's some kind of rebellion or depression going on beneath the surface, because of your shallowness. I'd try to focus more on the health aspect with her before the pregnancy. I don't have children but my friends do, who are all more toned and fitter than I am. Part of the reason they dropped the baby weight immediately is because of the muscle tone and good habits they'd already had. They were aware to eat healthily with baby in mind (weight was not issue for them). I wonder if you could both look at what she could achieve for good fitness and nutrients for her body and potential baby, then no doubt the weight will take care of itself anyway? 

I think I'm going to put down this bag of corn chips now and do some push ups lol.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

There are a number of threads here dealing with the issue of weight.

You were up front, honest, and by your account discussed it with her. So you certainly can't be blamed for pulling a fast one. You aren't being a pig.

A common reaction as evidenced by a number of posts on this subject, is for the wife to 'binge' as an act of protest. In other words; "You don't want me to get fat? I'll show you ..."

Personally, I don't question that body image is a serious issue for many women. Shallow or not, body image is a serious issue for me as well. I 'value' being in shape. I don't partner with women that don't share that value as well.

The math on this is pretty simple. If it appears that she is backing out on her commitment, then you should back out on yours. No kids. 

Seems apparent to me, that if she has ceased pursuing a healthy lifestyle before having kids, she won't be remotely interested in changing her diet or activity level once she starts having children. It simply won't happen.

Beyond that, it gets dicier. If you want children with this woman, then you are going to need to accept the prospect of your petite wife continuing to gain weight.

How far are you willing to take this? How far is she willing to take it?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I don't think you're being shallow. If she's 5'0 and already 130 lbs she'll be a bare minimum of 160 lbs with child. That's a pretty heavy load for a 5'0 person. I'm also thinking of having a kid and would like to lose around 20 lbs prior. 

If she's binge eating then she's having some emotional problems. i started doing this in my marriage, too, when I was unhappy. It's not your responsibility to fix this for her but understanding that the source is probably emotional might help your approach. If she is miserable then food can quickly become a source of pleasure. If she has no other source of pleasure then she wont stop eating. She has to find a way to substitute that pleasure with something else, if she wants to. If you try to just take it away then you're basically asking her to be miserable. That's not going to work.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

bryan81980 said:


> The bottom line is she feels she does not need to live up to this deal we made, and I feel as though its still a major priority.
> 
> Not sure where to go from here, we are very upset with eachother right now. Any advice would be helpful.


She has to want to live up to the deal. Without her own internal motivation, she will never live up to the deal. Therefore, if thinnness is critically important to you, then do not have a child with her. It would be a very unworkable marriage for you to constantly fret about, pressure her, and micromange her food intake. This is not fair to bring a child into.

Why is she no longer motivated to meet your expectations when clearly she was motivated when you first met? It's because you are no longer the interesting and exciting young man you were when you were courting her. You are not making yourself such a great commodity as a husband to motivate her to meet your demanding expectations. The past can never outweigh (sorry for the pun) the present. Rather than focus on what she is doing "wrong" focus on what you can do to make her want to meet your needs in this way.

So my advice to you if you want to hold a woman to this very difficult expectation, you have to be very prepared to be a superior man in meeting her needs so she will always want to. If you are not up to the task (not easy), then you should relax the expecations you have regarding the woman in your life.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Deejo said:


> The math on this is pretty simple. If it appears that she is backing out on her commitment, then you should back out on yours. No kids.


This. I'm taller than your wife and gained 45 pounds with each of my 3 kids. I was thin before I got pregnant and even with trying it still took me a year to lose the weight. Is this something you can live with? If not then don't have kids with her. And wear a condom so you don't get an ooops.


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## bryan81980 (Jun 30, 2011)

Thank you for the quick replies!!!

Yeah, there is some emotional stuff going on, and I'd be the first to admit I play a role in that. Day to day life, stress at work, same old stuff can definatly turn me into a jerk. However, the same applies to her. I tend to be confrotational when I'm upset about something, and although honest about her gripes with me, she tends to give me the cold shoulder, which in turn makes me want to push for a resolution even harder.

Now, I'm not talking about major marriage issues here, just day to day bs that picks away at you. 

My wife is generally very laid back, does not worry about stuff too much, and that frequently gets her into trouble. I feel like I always have to make sure she is on top of her affairs. Like if I dont always remind her to make sure my work clothes are clean, I have no uniforms. But she gets upset that I ask her to get on it and tells me I treat her like a child. Or if I dont gripe about the cleanliness in her car, then there is litterally so much garbage and crap piled in the back seat, we cant use her vehicle for social events, or the dogs cant ride in the back seat when we go places. Importaint documents have a way of getting lost cuz she is so disorginized. 

This is her, and I'm not just realizing it. However, when I try and get her to at least work on the stuff that directly has an impact on me, she feels I'm baby sitting her. Don't think Im anal retentave or anyting, I can deal with all these things, but she has a tendency of putting things off until they are litterally an issue rather than an inconvienience. Thats when I can get into jerk mode, not when things are an inconvienience, but when they turn to real issues. 

Anyway, thats the major personality clash we have. We genearally get along well, go on frequent dates and vacations together, have similar taste in movies, music, foods, goals. We have a great sex life, are pretty affectionate with eachother. Share common friends. 

I do agree a lot about what you guys have to say. I do think this is not about her weight, but more of a power struggle. 

Would it be out of line to forward her this thread?


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## bryan81980 (Jun 30, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> This. I'm taller than your wife and gained 45 pounds with each of my 3 kids. I was thin before I got pregnant and even with trying it still took me a year to lose the weight. Is this something you can live with? If not then don't have kids with her. And wear a condom so you don't get an ooops.


Yes, I am totally ok with weight gain as a result of a child. I expect it. That is why I'm trying to be pro active about her losing weight prior to all this. 

As far as post child weight gain/retention, as long as she is trying to lose the weight, its ok. Im ok with it taking 1-2 years. It's the lack of effort prior thats bumming me out and I feel that if she cant do it up front, she wont do it after the kid is there either.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

bryan81980 said:


> It's the lack of effort prior thats bumming me out and I feel that if she cant do it up front, she wont do it after the kid is there either.


You are correct. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

bryan81980 said:


> Anyway, thats the major personality clash we have. We genearally get along well, go on frequent dates and vacations together, have similar taste in movies, music, foods, goals. We have a great sex life, are pretty affectionate with eachother. Share common friends.


What will happen once a child comes along... All your free time to do the fun stuff evaporates. No time for friends. No more movies, music, going out to eat. Then all you focus on is these flaws and things that bother you (her laziness and her fatness). Then the sex stops.

I would recommend you work on your maritial issues before having a child.


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## Mrs1980 (May 6, 2011)

I know you're being honest and in my situation with my H-I would LOVE for him to be more upfront as you have been with your W.

However...there is something with your tone and maybe it's just the words coming off that way...but is that how you have spoken to her about it? You need to realize that this is a very senstive subject with some women and approach accordingly...

Maybe I missed it but I don't see where you have mentioned going on walks with her, going to the gym together, cooking healthier meals together....My H and I had to get healthy together...We walk and run (which is also nice time to talk about things) we cook and look up healthier food options together. 

My guess is your h's self esteem is not very high at the moment. You need to work with her instead of against her (nagging,ultimatiums)


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

bryan81980 said:


> I feel like I always have to make sure she is on top of her affairs. Like if I dont always remind her to make sure my work clothes are clean, I have no uniforms. But she gets upset that I ask her to get on it and tells me I treat her like a child. Or if I dont gripe about the cleanliness in her car, then there is litterally so much garbage and crap piled in the back seat, we cant use her vehicle for social events, or the dogs cant ride in the back seat when we go places. Importaint documents have a way of getting lost cuz she is so disorginized.
> 
> This is her, and I'm not just realizing it. However, when I try and get her to at least work on the stuff that directly has an impact on me, she feels I'm baby sitting her. Don't think Im anal retentave or anyting, I can deal with all these things, but she has a tendency of putting things off until they are litterally an issue rather than an inconvienience. Thats when I can get into jerk mode, not when things are an inconvienience, but when they turn to real issues.


I think you have some boundary issues. My H and I do a book and workbook called Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend. It has been unbelievably helpful. I used to fight with my H about dishes, chores, and other things but there's none of that anymore. He also used to nit-pick at me. But once you're on the same page about where your line begins and where your spouses property begins it's very productive.


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## dojo (Jul 4, 2011)

I would think it's better to get of the "jerk mode", even if it's sometimes the only normal reaction you could have. Just try to remind her in a gentle joking way about the stuff that needs doing and pitch in too. My man does have this annoying habit too, of sometimes reminding me stuff in a mean way and yes, I explode right away. And can't wait to get even, when he misses something. I realized this after getting on his back 3-4 times and it's detrimental for the relationship.

So, if I want him to be more involved, I find friendlier ways to say it. For instance he's not a dish washing enthusiast. While I actually love doing this (we don't use a dishwasher), it annoys me to clean up the kitchen and have him fill it with dirty dishes 5 minutes after I left it spotless. I jokingly said to him he's gonna get spanked (and not in that way), if he's doing this and we laughed.

Next time I "caught" him wash his plate. Of course I thanked him and let him know how much this helps me. You catch flies better with honey than vinegar. 

As for the weight issue, I think you need to see what's causing this and maybe help her in her efforts. Don't force her to this, she's gonna have the opposite reaction, but do try to schedule time for fun activities that would help you BOTH keep fit, cook some nice healthy and super tasty meals TOGETHER etc. She needs to be helped with this and not told "lose that weight or I won't make a baby with you". If you told me that, I'd leave you in a second, no matter what the "agreement" was.

You need to be delicate and careful when touching these topics and try understand what makes her "click", instead of just being on her back for not being "perfect"


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Whatever else is going on a person's metabolism slows down as you age. So adjusting caloric intake downward and adjusting exercise time upward has to occur or you get fat.

Some people have a hard time with this fact.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

You two seem to have good comunication. The bio clock is ticking with hormones along with it, tread carefully here. Is she wants a baby she will eventually have one, with or without you.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

On the other hand, gaining a Smart Car with pregnancy seems to be an American peculiarity. There's not a lot that's natural about putting on 60-70lbs for a 6lb baby. American women have adopted an attitude that pregnancy diabetes is a goal and not something to be be avoided. If you start out 30lbs heavier than you want, and let's be honest here, 2/3rds of adult Americans are overweight or obese, and then pack on another 60lbs, well that's 90lbs isn't it? How hard do you think it is to drop 90lbs. Right. So at best you'll manage half that. And with kid #2, #3 the cycle is repeated.


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