# He might be cheating



## cana8 (Aug 20, 2017)

My husband has been doing some things lately that are bothering me, and when I talk to him about it he hides things further. I don’t think he’s physically cheating, but who knows at this point. I want to investigate further but I don’t know how… I’m not destroying my family without better evidence of what is going on. 

My husband has been talking to his exGF, who he dated at 15-16 years old (30 now). From what I know they dated on and off, and she’s “messed up” due to family problems. 

I first noticed this in 2015, when things were a bit rough in our relationship, following the birth of our first child. He did not delete the messages, but most of the time he did close the conversation when I’d walk by or be near him. The few times I did read them, I found what they were talking about inappropriate. It wasn’t cheating, but reminiscing too far down memory lane for me to be comfortable with. Every few months they would “catch up” again, but to the best of my knowledge have not seen each other in at least 5 years. She lives an hour and a half away, and because of his work schedule he wouldn’t have time - until now because he’s off work for a bit. 

Two weeks ago he had a voicemail and started it on speaker. As soon as he heard her voice and say her name he turned off speaker because he knew I was right around the corner. Apparently she was upset and wanted to talk, I confronted him immediately. I got very upset because he wanted to call her right away and he doesn’t seem to care that way when I’m upset. He says that he does, but he doesn’t show it. He doesn’t try to figure out my problems the way he wanted to do with her. 

Because I was upset (crying) and mad, he said he would stop talking to her, apparently not. I was looking at his messages today and she mentioned that she was sorry she missed his phone call on this past Monday. There was no call listed to her, so if he called her he deleted it from his phones history. With that, it’s possible that he’s deleted messages as well. 

I haven’t talked to him yet. I want to see what else is going on before I bring it up, since apparently if I try and talk to him he just hides things more. Is there a way to track the calls he makes? Hear the conversations? A way to see deleted texts and Facebook messenger messages? 

My thought is… If he had nothing to hide then he wouldn’t be hiding this. Even if nothing is going on romantically (totally possible) he is still choosing her over me. 

As far as I can tell from their conversations, she seems interested in him. She has gone through 2 relationships over the last 2 years, but they had a conversation in 2015. She messaged him just to ask if we were together, basically.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

He is absolutely crossing boundaries. Is she married? If she is, contact her H and tell him what is happening, it looks like it is heading towards an EA and will progress to a PA if you do not set boundaries now. Tell your H you want access to his phone, media accounts etc. If he refuses, then you ask him to leave the house. Show him you mean business. Tell your family, his family and friends, (this is a way of keeping him accountable). Then consider a lawyer, proactive action is best, show him you are not prepared to put up with any of this. Then buy the book Not just friends and ask him to read it. He is playing with fire.


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## cana8 (Aug 20, 2017)

aine said:


> He is absolutely crossing boundaries. Is she married? If she is, contact her H and tell him what is happening, it looks like it is heading towards an EA and will progress to a PA if you do not set boundaries now. Tell your H you want access to his phone, media accounts etc. If he refuses, then you ask him to leave the house. Show him you mean business. Tell your family, his family and friends, (this is a way of keeping him accountable). Then consider a lawyer, proactive action is best, show him you are not prepared to put up with any of this. Then buy the book Not just friends and ask him to read it. He is playing with fire.


She isn't married. I'm worried if I say I want full access he will just delete things and hide further. I know all of his passwords.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Those former hands, those words, written and spoken have him in their grasp....her grasp.

The Ex's have a Past....and the Past has met the present. It leap frogged into his eager beaver lap. The memory has been refreshed, re-fleshed, it is alive. It is stirring his loins.

On TAM we call these Kibbles. Kibbles for the Ego, Kibbles for the beating heart.

Kibbles from a place {not home} are ever so more tasty. More alluring.

He is enamored with this women. It is at least an emotional affair, EA.

Nip this SHE-BEAST in her bud. Her ear bud....blast her. Tell her to stay away from your man.

Be the Tigress that tears the flesh of any beast that threatens her den.


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## cana8 (Aug 20, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> Those former hands, those words, written and spoken have him in their grasp....her grasp.
> 
> The Ex's have a Past....and the Past has met the present. It leap frogged into his eager beaver lap. The memory has been refreshed, re-fleshed, it is alive. It is stirring his loins.
> 
> ...


Maybe I'm stupid - I've never dealt with this before - but I feel like if I call HER out on it she's just going to relay that back to my husband and he will bury their communication further. It's totally possible they are just friends and even though it's still wrong to hide it I don't want to blow up my marriage if nothing is going on.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

No H has any business having flirty chats with his ex girlfriend or handling or emotional upsets, please be clear about that and stop justifying what he is doing. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries

it is good you have access to his passwords but what are you going to do, monitor until something happens? 
Talk to him first, tell him what your boundaries are, then monitor.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Try placing a good quality VAR underneath his car seat with Velcro. His cell-phone conversations with her will undoubtedly tip the scales to the point that you can tell if it's a "puppy love" EA, or a "flowery but deceptively nasty" PA!

Do that in addition to analyzing his cell phone bill for the frequency of their phone and texting activity together!*


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

cana8 said:


> She isn't married. I'm worried if I say I want full access he will just delete things and hide further. I know all of his passwords.


In which case you leave him. 

Your opening post was refreshingly strong. "If he has nothing to hide..." Those would be my words exactly to you. If all he does is delete history and hide things to trick you, then that's no relationship you should want to be a part of. That's a child hiding the cookie jar so mommy won't take it back.

Men and women cannot be friends, IMO. Not as long as he excludes you. She must be a friend to the marriage, or she's out. And you see how willing he is to be transparent about her.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

If there was nothing untoward happening, why turn the speaker off?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Cana8 what is your gut telling you to do?

I would suggest talking to your husband and telling him what you think is going on. 

Let him know you with fight for your marriage. 

Let him know you will not fight for the position as his wife against the OW. That you should have never been put in the position you're in now wondering who he cares for more. Let him know what it looks like from your perspective. Let him know that it's is his choice, his family or the OW. That you will not wait forever for him to make his choice.


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