# Am I overreacting?



## WonderingGuy (Jun 20, 2011)

New here but very active on several other unrelated fora. 

Kind of torn up and wonder if I'm overreacting. Here's what happened:

My wife of 11 years started a text and phone "affair" with a man in another state on 6/2/11. I discovered it on 6/16/11, last Thurs. She immediately texted him and called it off. There's been no contact since and I know because I've checked.

She immediately went into lie-and-deny mode: "I'm not having an affair." "He's just a friend, someone I can talk to." We didn't flirt at all." I've had to pry everything out of her. Everything.

Here's the "nuts and bolts" of what I've discovered (on my own):

1. They shared 1,400 texts in one week. 450 in one eight-hour stretch when she was on the couch next to me or we were laying on our bed. 

2. They spoke on the phone for 6.5 hours.

3. She spent a total of 36 hours communicating with him in one week. (There were few texts the first full week.)

4. She sent him 23 pictures. She admitted to one in her bikini but says the rest were face shots. Please realize she spent hours texting with him while in her "briefs"--not underwear exactly but form-fitting and sexy on her.

5. He sent 3 texts with data: pictures, I assume. She says none showed anything other than his face or family members.

5. She finally admitted they were flirting but adamantly denies that any sexting occurred.

She says:

1. She purposely "picked" someone out of state so there'd be no danger of them having sex, which she says she never wanted.

2. Her justification for her "affair" is she thought I was flirting with women on Twitter so it would be OK if she did, too. I was not although a few Tweets might have been interpreted as flirting. She pointed this out and I deleted them. (They never really go away, though.) 

Also, she says I have been withdrawn from her and not paying her any attention.

3. She didn't have sex so it should be no big deal.

I say:

1. 36 hours conversing with another man in one week blows my mind. She was a freight train hurtling down the track to what?

2. She did a lot of texting to him while in my presence. She'd been addicted to a word puzzle game for months. I thought she was playing that game.

3. I had 100% trusted her prior to this. How can I ever trust her again. Ever?

4. Where would it have led if I hadn't found out?

5. Her back story: she had 3 affairs with her first husband, one of which lasted a year.

6. I find it hard to believe she shared a mostly-nude picture of herself but he didn't reciprocate with at least a chest-shot.


I believe she didn't get involved in sexting, though have no way to prove it as she deleted the texts.

I believe she didn't intend on having sex with someone.

She has shown genuine remorse since getting busted. I truly believe she regrets her "affair." 

She wants me to forgive and forget and trust her again. She expects it to be swept under the rug because she didn't have sex with him.

Here's where I'm at:

I told her I'm considering a divorce because I don't think I can ever trust her. She thinks I'm overreacting because, again, she didn't actually have ex. Do you think I'm overreacting by talking about divorce?


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Not overreacting by talking about it, but imho it should be last step, not first step.

You don;t want to hear it, but there's a lot of info in your post about the state of your marriage before this event. You've basically got two choices to make, first: (1) Work on what was wrong with BOTH fo you (stringly urge MC), and see where that takes you before decising on a course of action (2) begin divorce proceedings and never know what could have been...

Obviously I feel option #1 is a better course. Everything you will read or hear will suggest doing nothing drastic while it is all still raw. You can always take it to D. You can even start the proceedings, but pull them back, if you feel she doesn't work at it. But I'd urge you to work at it, first, before taking that path. I'm not minimizing what's happened to you, but many people do recover from much more serious 'offenses'... 

The first thing you have to deal with is her accountability for carrying on what would be termed an EA, and her attempt to sweep it under the rug and have you just forget about it. That is not acknowledging what she's done, tactically and to your trust in her, and the foundation to which trust is in a marriage. 

The good news is you've gotten this 'early'... the bad news is, it happened for reasons that need fixing. Read up, get (a) strong NC that you see, (b) transparency into all her activity, (c) MC appointment, and (d) above and beyoind her regret and remorse (which is a good sign, btw), open, truthful dialogue regarding either getting on the same page and working toward R, or not.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Only you can say if you're overreacting for your situation.

What she did WAS most certainly inappropriate and crossed the bounds o your marriage vows. Without knowing how emotionally invested in him she became in such a short amount of time, it otherwise sounds like a textbook emotional affair (EA), right down to following the script so many do when an EA is exposed. No...she doesn't get any credit because they didn't have sex. In fact, her saying she specifically chose someone out of state so it couldn't lead to sex (because planes, trains and automobiles don't exist, you know), eliminates any possibility of a slowly escalating situation that she didn't stop when things crossed the line...it makes it clear that she went looking specifically TO cross the line.

You may indeed have some culpability in letting the relationship get to the point that she was unhappy and considered doing this, but SHE and she alone made the choice to act upon it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WonderingGuy (Jun 20, 2011)

Thanks. State of marriage was good before. We're under severe financial stress but our sex life has been great. (She cut that off the day she called him.) "Withdrawn" in my mind does not justify an intensive EA. 

I believe she has acknowledged what she did, but only after I forced her to. She still doesn't want to talk about it so I still have to pull every word out of her.

MC = marriage counseling

What's NC?


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

NC = No Contact. Read up on it. Essentially it is her informing the OM that there will be absolutely no further contact. You see the message beforehand (and any response it may get).

Your sex lifer may have been great before, but your marriage wasn't:
_"Her justification for her "affair" is she thought I was flirting with women on Twitter so it would be OK if she did, too. I was not although a few Tweets might have been interpreted as flirting. She pointed this out and I deleted them. (They never really go away, though.) 

Also, she says I have been withdrawn from her and not paying her any attention."_

Communication lacking, reality, perception, or whatever it is & was -- work on resolving all of that aspect before going to D route.


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## WonderingGuy (Jun 20, 2011)

2xloser said:


> NC = No Contact. Read up on it. Essentially it is her informing the OM that there will be absolutely no further contact. You see the message beforehand (and any response it may get).
> 
> Your sex lifer may have been great before, but your marriage wasn't:
> _"Her justification for her "affair" is she thought I was flirting with women on Twitter so it would be OK if she did, too. I was not although a few Tweets might have been interpreted as flirting. She pointed this out and I deleted them. (They never really go away, though.)
> ...


I really believe she's cut it off and don't think we need to make up some kind of agreement. 

Agreed things need to be fixed. We had some good discussions over the weekend, in between my yelling at her and sending mean texts. Said "things" though were not justification for her giving herself to another man like that, IMO.


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## Heartbrkn (Jun 16, 2011)

You are NOT overreacting. Be glad you caught it this soon my wife did it for 16 months.

NC and full disclosure. If you cannot get trust back what do you have.

You DID NOT make her do this! She could have talked to you, they always have a choice!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

She does seem to have a propensity for affairs. Three in previous marriage and now at least one EA, that you know about.
Not sure where your trust should be coming from here.


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## WonderingGuy (Jun 20, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> She does seem to have a propensity for affairs. Three in previous marriage and now at least one EA, that you know about.
> Not sure where your trust should be coming from here.


My point, too.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

WonderingGuy said:


> She immediately went into lie-and-deny mode: "I'm not having an affair." "He's just a friend, someone I can talk to." We didn't flirt at all." I've had to pry everything out of her. Everything.
> 
> She has shown genuine remorse since getting busted. I truly believe she regrets her "affair."


I'm not sure you are seeing genuine remorse yet.



WonderingGuy said:


> 2. Her justification for her "affair" is she thought I was flirting with women on Twitter so it would be OK if she did, too. I was not although a few Tweets might have been interpreted as flirting. She pointed this out and I deleted them. (They never really go away, though.)
> 
> 
> Also, she says I have been withdrawn from her and not paying her any attention.


What's the deal with all of this? .....makes me believe there may be more driving the divorce motivation.



WonderingGuy said:


> 3. I had 100% trusted her prior to this. How can I ever trust her again. Ever?
> 
> 5. Her back story: she had 3 affairs with her first husband, one of which lasted a year.


How could you have EVER trusted her in the first place?:scratchhead:

I honestly think a good starting place would be at the marriage couselor's office.


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## WonderingGuy (Jun 20, 2011)

@827Aug 

There was real remorse this morning. She's stoic and doesn't explain her feelings well. 

But now that I write that, she just exchanged 1,400 texts with a guy she's never met so I guess she can explain her feelings just fine. Just not to me.


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## findingmyway (May 25, 2011)

hmm, I'm not very technical but you can probably still read deleted texts. Spend some time on Google, you'll likely get the answer to that.


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## WonderingGuy (Jun 20, 2011)

You can but it's pricy. I think we've found way thru this already. Will share more tomorrow when I'm not on my iPhone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

While I think the divorce gauntlet was a little extreme, I feel that you did not overreact.

I'm sure that many cheating spouses truly believe that they were doing nothing wrong because there was no physical contact involved-they just don't "get" the concept of the EA. Fortunately, you've nipped this in the bud, but 3 things bother me:

1) She "trickle-truthed" you, and you had to pry it out of her-what else may she be hiding?

2) She did this to her last H, she's relapsing to her old tricks again-you may have a serial cheater on your hands.

3) That "genuine remorse" she's been showing-I would be WAY TOO suspicious that she learned how to say what her ex wanted to hear, so that he would get off of her case, and now she's doing it to you.

(Personally, I would NEVER have married a woman who cheated on her spouse, no matter how much of an a**hole he may have been.)

However, there may be a chance to save this, perhaps even make it better-I strongly suggest MC.


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## Sofargone (Jun 17, 2011)

Divorce might be much, but I can tell you I wish I had caught my wife's electronic EA before it became a PA with an out of state guy.


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## Ayrun (Jun 12, 2011)

I don't think you're overreacting, but in your shoes I might give a second chance. But you make damn sure no sh1t like that flies again or it's game over.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

IMHO, you're not over reacting, in fact, I think you're under reacting. Her past history of 3 affairs (most likely more that weren't caught) on her previous husband, and now a FULL ON Emotional Affair behind your back. She feels that its okay because she didn't let OMs enter her vagina? Uhmm no. She has an established pattern of behavior. Think about your future, not just the present. Sure she might even be a little remorseful now, until it blows over. But what about the future? Heck, she's not even owning up to this EA. The only thing she's learned from at least 4 affairs is that it's ok to cheat. What has she done to show she will not do this again?

Are you going to wait until she has 2 more affairs before you kick her to the curb like her previous husband did? Her previous husband gave her three strikes, does that mean you will accord her the same privelege? Something within her is broken.


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## anonymous1978 (Dec 27, 2010)

does she have an Iphone? there is a free strategy to read some of the deleted texts...


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