# Sexlessness survey for my blog...



## Faithful Wife

Hello TAM. I'm putting together a blog post about how a sexless relationship affects the HD partner. If you are the HD in a long term (two years or more) sexless marriage or relationship, feel free to answer some or all of the questions below for my informal survey. I'm going to collect answers and then make two blog posts, one from mens answers and one from womens. If I use any part of your answer, all I will say is "female, age XX" or "male, age XX" as your identification. If you do not want to answer here, you can fill out this anonymous Survey Monkey form:

(link removed on 10/17 because I have so many responses to read through, but you can still answer the survey here on this post as others have)

You do not need to answer all the questions, just any of them you want to share about. You can also answer the survey about past sexless relationships if you have been one in but are not in anymore.

I am only considering long term relationships for this post at this time, because it is known that in the short term, relationships are more sexual than they probably will be in the long term, so in most short term relationships, it is not known yet where the sexual level will settle to.

Later I hope to do a survey for the LD partners in sexless relationships.

For my survey, sexless = sex less than once a month.
__________________________________________________

*What is your gender and age?

*How many sex partners have you had? Do you know how many sex partners your current partner has had?

*Where do you think you land on my Sexual Proclivity Scale, and where do you think your partner lands on it? (you can find my Sexual Proclivity scale at the top of this blog post):
I Married a Sex God: How Sexual Are You?


*If there is a mismatch between the proclivity level of you and your partner in the answer above, do you feel this is part of the problem in your sexual relationship?

*How long have you been in this relationship, and how long has it been sexless? (If you are taking the survey because you used to be in a sexless relationship, please answer accordingly including how long the relationship lasted).

*If it wasn’t always sexless, do you know if there was an event or reason that made the relationship become sexless, and did it change all at once or slowly?

*Describe how being sexless makes you feel, physically and emotionally. Describe how it affects your life, whether positive or negative or neutral.

*Are you currently physically attracted to your partner? Are they physically attracted to you?

*Do you talk to anyone about the sexlessness; friends, relatives, a counselor?

*How concerned are you that this relationship will end because of the sexlessness? (Or if it did already end, was it primarily because of the sexlessness?)

*Conversely, if you would not contemplate ending the relationship, why not?

*If sexlessness is a problem to you, do you think becoming non-monogamous would be a possible way to deal with it?

*Have you had other long term relationships (two years or longer) that were also sexless? If yes, please describe the relationship and length of it.

*Have you had other long term relationships (two years or longer) that were more sexually fulfilling to you than this one? If yes, please describe the relationship and the length of it.

*How do you feel about the quality of the sex you do have (or used to have) with this partner? Do you feel you are a good sex partner, and do you feel your partner is one?

*How do you think your life might change if you were able to have all the sex you want and could always have the quality of sex you want? (Assume for this exercise that you may or may not have the same sex partner as you do now).

*Are you in love with your partner? Do you feel your partner is in love with you? Does your answer have a correlation to the sexlessness issue in your relationship?

*Would you say that you or your partner have shame surrounding sex and sexuality? Would you say that either of you are sexually repressed?

*If the answer above is yes for either of you, do you think shame or repression are affecting or creating the sexlessness in your relationship?

*Did you or your partner suffer any form of sexual trauma or abuse that you know of? If yes, did you or your partner receive professional help in dealing with it? If yes, do you think this affects the sexual relationship you are in together?

*Do you or your partner have any sexual dysfunction or disability (either mental or physical)?

*Do you and your partner know much about each other’s sexual histories (beyond number of partners)?

*Is there anything else you would like to note that is not covered in one of the questions above?


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## Holland

Faithful Wife said:


> ....... oh I love a good surevy
> 
> These answers are about my past sexless marriage.
> 
> *
> *What is your gender and age?*
> All woman
> age 47
> 
> **How many sex partners have you had? Do you know how many sex partners your current partner has had?*
> Many
> him very few
> 
> **Where do you think you land on my Sexual Proclivity Scale, and where do you think your partner lands on it? (you can find my Sexual Proclivity scale at the top of this blog post):
> I Married a Sex God: How Sexual Are You?*
> Me - Very sexual
> Him - not very sexual
> 
> **If there is a mismatch between the proclivity level of you and your partner in the answer above, do you feel this is part of the problem in your sexual relationship?*
> yes of course
> 
> **How long have you been in this relationship, and how long has it been sexless? (If you are taking the survey because you used to be in a sexless relationship, please answer accordingly including how long the relationship lasted).*
> We were together almost 20 years, it was technically sexless for possibly half of it, I really struggle to remember now.
> 
> **If it wasn’t always sexless, do you know if there was an event or reason that made the relationship become sexless, and did it change all at once or slowly?*
> Ours was the classic very sexual at the start but then he settled back to his normal level while I was left bewildered by what happened. He comes from a family where emotion is not shown much, his parents stayed together till death for the kids and to keep up appearances. It was always going to end up the way it did because his parents modeled dysfunction to him (and his sister who has never had a healthy relationship).
> *
> *Describe how being sexless makes you feel, physically and emotionally. Describe how it affects your life, whether positive or negative or neutral.*
> Made me feel like crap to be blunt. It eventually made me ill, lost a heap of my beautiful hair and life felt so bleak.
> 
> **Are you currently physically attracted to your partner? Are they physically attracted to you?*
> I lost all attraction to him, he made me feel sick to my stomach.
> Funny thing is he still finds me attractive even 5 years post divorce. I would rather eat my own head than ever considering being physical with him again. Even being a HD woman I would not have sex with him if he were the last man on Earth.
> *
> *Do you talk to anyone about the sexlessness; friends, relatives, a counselor?*
> Not during the marriage but have since.
> 
> **How concerned are you that this relationship will end because of the sexlessness? (Or if it did already end, was it primarily because of the sexlessness?)*
> I divorced his sorry arse years ago. Yes because of sexlessness but not as mercenary as that, it was due to him always saying he loved me but his inaction said the opposite. To me it was a huge lie to say you love someone but then to treat them with contempt, to ignore their needs. As a female I fully believe men must be men, protect their loved ones and do what needs to be done to contribute to their happiness. I ended up hating him for being a wimp and a liar.
> 
> 
> **Conversely, if you would not contemplate ending the relationship, why not?*
> NA and going forward I would NEVER stay in a sexless relationship again.
> 
> **If sexlessness is a problem to you, do you think becoming non-monogamous would be a possible way to deal with it?*
> A huge NO on this one. Just because I am HD does not mean I have low morals.
> 
> **Have you had other long term relationships (two years or longer) that were also sexless? If yes, please describe the relationship and length of it.*
> No never.
> 
> **Have you had other long term relationships (two years or longer) that were more sexually fulfilling to you than this one? If yes, please describe the relationship and the length of it.*
> Yes, the one I am in now with my Superman. We are incredibly sexually compatible, both very HD but also enjoy the same style of sex.
> 
> **How do you feel about the quality of the sex you do have (or used to have) with this partner? Do you feel you are a good sex partner, and do you feel your partner is one?*
> Quality with the ex was good to start with but it declined at the same rate as the quantity did.
> 
> 
> **How do you think your life might change if you were able to have all the sex you want and could always have the quality of sex you want? (Assume for this exercise that you may or may not have the same sex partner as you do now).*
> This is my life now and I am so happy. Life is better overall, I have my confidence back, I am stronger, a better person and am in control of my life.
> 
> 
> **Are you in love with your partner? Does your answer have a correlation to the sexlessness issue in your relationship?*
> I fell out of love with him, I could have got it back if he had done what was needed.
> We are friends these days and I am at peace with that.
> 
> **Would you say that you or your partner have shame surrounding sex and sexuality? Would you say that either of you are sexually repressed?*
> Without a doubt he is. I am not.
> 
> **If the answer above is yes for either of you, do you think shame or repression are affecting or creating the sexlessness in your relationship?*
> Yes to some extent but I think the bigger issue with him was that he was not given a good skill set when it came to emotional attachment. Also his communications skills are zip, again that goes back to his parents loveless marriage and the example he was given.
> 
> 
> **Did you or your partner suffer any form of sexual trauma or abuse that you know of? If yes, did you or your partner receive professional help in dealing with it? If yes, do you think this affects the sexual relationships you are in together?*
> Me no. Him I don't know even if he had it would never be something he would have discussed.
> 
> 
> **Do you or your partner have any sexual dysfunction or disability (either mental or physical)?*
> Him - emotionally stunted.
> 
> **Do you and your partner know much about each other’s sexual histories?*
> No, he would not talk about sex or relationships.
> *
> *Is there anything else you would like to note that is not covered in one of the questions above?
> No
> 
> *


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## 4x4

Done online.


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## firebelly1

Faithful Wife said:


> *Mine is also about my now former marriage:*
> 
> *What is your gender and age?
> *Female, 44*
> 
> *How many sex partners have you had? Do you know how many sex partners your current partner has had?
> *Pre-marriage it was around 30, I think my husband's was under 10.*
> 
> *Where do you think you land on my Sexual Proclivity Scale, and where do you think your partner lands on it? (you can find my Sexual Proclivity scale at the top of this blog post):
> I Married a Sex God: How Sexual Are You?
> *I'd say I'm "very" to "extremely" sexual and he was "moderately" sexual.*
> 
> *If there is a mismatch between the proclivity level of you and your partner in the answer above, do you feel this is part of the problem in your sexual relationship?
> *Somewhat but I don't think it was the primary reason. My husband masturbated to porn nearly every day it was sex with me that he avoided. I think the reason was that sex required communication skills he didn't have and it was too much emotional work for him.*
> 
> *How long have you been in this relationship, and how long has it been sexless? (If you are taking the survey because you used to be in a sexless relationship, please answer accordingly including how long the relationship lasted).
> *Married for 6 years before separation. It was sexless for the last 4. *
> 
> *If it wasn’t always sexless, do you know if there was an event or reason that made the relationship become sexless, and did it change all at once or slowly?
> *It changed slowly as the "honeymoon" phase of our relationship ended and conflict set in. *
> 
> *Describe how being sexless makes you feel, physically and emotionally. Describe how it affects your life, whether positive or negative or neutral.
> *Emotionally it was devastating as I thought the reason was he didn't find me attractive any more. It was painful and at times made me angry because it felt like a bait and switch. This is the only person I can have sex with and stay faithful to my commitment to monogamy but he won't have sex with me.*
> 
> *Are you currently physically attracted to your partner? Are they physically attracted to you?
> *I was always physically attracted to him, even with weight fluctuations. I found out after we split that he wasn't happy with weight that I'd put on during the marriage. But he said he had been attracted to me in spite of it. Still not sure what the truth is around that. *
> 
> *Do you talk to anyone about the sexlessness; friends, relatives, a counselor?
> *At the time I did talk to friends and a counselor. And TAM. *
> 
> *How concerned are you that this relationship will end because of the sexlessness? (Or if it did already end, was it primarily because of the sexlessness?)
> *The relationship didn't end primarily because of sexlessness but I had gotten to a point where I was suggesting MC to deal with it. I would have eventually ended it if it couldn't be resolved.*
> 
> *Conversely, if you would not contemplate ending the relationship, why not?
> 
> *If sexlessness is a problem to you, do you think becoming non-monogamous would be a possible way to deal with it?
> *I think there are circumstances under which this can be okay, for instance, if your partner has a terminal illness that will last for years. I think it's a gift to your partner to let them seek sexual needs outside the relationship if you can't or won't fulfill them. But as the person missing it, I didn't seek sex outside my marriage and I wouldn't. Even if my partner gave me his blessing, I'm not sure I would since I want my partner to be my partner in all things. Better to end the relationship cleanly.*
> 
> *Have you had other long term relationships (two years or longer) that were also sexless? If yes, please describe the relationship and length of it.
> *No.*
> 
> *Have you had other long term relationships (two years or longer) that were more sexually fulfilling to you than this one? If yes, please describe the relationship and the length of it.
> *No.*
> 
> *How do you feel about the quality of the sex you do have (or used to have) with this partner? Do you feel you are a good sex partner, and do you feel your partner is one?
> *I think the quality of the sex was pretty good but routine. Same way every time. I think I'm an excellent sex partner in that I am willing to try a lot of different things. I like to please and I know how to articulate what pleases me. But...I didn't really get to express any of that in my marriage.
> He was a good partner in the sense that he was willing to bring me to (one) orgasm before he got his own and he could. But, being a "good" partner means being willing to make sure your partner is generally satisfied, right? And he definitely wasn't that. *
> 
> *How do you think your life might change if you were able to have all the sex you want and could always have the quality of sex you want? (Assume for this exercise that you may or may not have the same sex partner as you do now).
> *I would be SO much happier. *
> 
> *Are you in love with your partner? Do you feel your partner is in love with you? Does your answer have a correlation to the sexlessness issue in your relationship?
> *The feeling of "in love" ebbed and flowed in our relationship. And yes...when we were feeling close and connected, we had more sex. *
> 
> *Would you say that you or your partner have shame surrounding sex and sexuality? Would you say that either of you are sexually repressed?
> *I think we both had shame around sex and could say we were each sexually repressed in some way. For me, my body image issues keep me from being as uninhibited as I could be. For him, raised Catholic. Had some homosexual experiences that I don't think he had fully processed, including one that he would sometimes characterize as a rape that he didn't resist. *
> 
> *If the answer above is yes for either of you, do you think shame or repression are affecting or creating the sexlessness in your relationship?
> *Not really*
> 
> *Did you or your partner suffer any form of sexual trauma or abuse that you know of? If yes, did you or your partner receive professional help in dealing with it? If yes, do you think this affects the sexual relationship you are in together?
> *Yes - my husband had been coerced into sex by a older, male friend when he was in his teens. But...I don't think it had anything to do with our issues. *
> 
> *Do you or your partner have any sexual dysfunction or disability (either mental or physical)?
> *Neither of us had any physical or mental issues that prevented arousal. But the fact that my husband preferred masturbating to porn to having sex with me - I would call that sexual dysfunction.
> *
> *Do you and your partner know much about each other’s sexual histories (beyond number of partners)?
> *Neither of us asked the other about numbers. I think I had a general sense of his sexual history. I don't think he had a sense of my number, and he didn't ask. *
> 
> *Is there anything else you would like to note that is not covered in one of the questions above?


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## firebelly1

So FW - where's a link to your advice for finding yourself a sex god?


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## Deejo

Of sex gods and unicorns.


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## larry.gray

I don't fit the criteria of your survey (we were never sexless, just sporadic). But I do have a question - how do you rate your chart?

I think each person's rating of the various stages on that chart is highly variable. Perhaps you should come up with examples of what puts you on each level of that chart?


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## Faithful Wife

I'm working on a separate post to talk about that, Larry. I know I need to. However, I've found that most people just "know" where they fall on it when they see it. It is totally a self-analysis tool anyway, to consider the spectrum of the scale when you think of yourself versus what you see in the world around you. But regardless, I'm going to write a post to describe it more in the near future.

In the world of relationship forums, there is HD, LD and now some people are becoming aware of the existence of asexuality. My scale is just taking those and filling in the gaps between them, and spreading the ends of the scale from the "highest" to "lowest" in terms most people can understand. There is a bell curve, for sure. Most people are not on either end. But since there's so damn many of us, there are a LOT of people on either end and we DO encounter them. They are not anomalies. They are plentiful.


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## larry.gray

I call my self ID, for insane drive


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## Faithful Wife

I will spend some time developing the Special Larry Scale to incorporate ID on there.


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## larry.gray

But I don't see myself all the way at the end of the scale. Wouldn't a sex addict be further on the scale than I am? At the same time, I'm probably getting it a lot more than most sex addicts. At least men sex addicts. Juggling multiple women is a lot of work. Women could be getting it as much as me easily because most men are such pigs.


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## Holland

ID sort of sounds like having sex at all costs without regard but I know that is not what you are saying.

I put myself as "very sexual" on your chart FW but again I have no cl;ue what that really means. The other two option to the right sort of conjure up a thought of a person who is very sexual but not emotionally balanced. Again that is how I read it and what it looks like to me.

I consider myself HD and enjoy sex on average 10 - 15 times a week but this is with a compatible man, in a healthy relationship. To me a person that would describe themselves as "hyper sexual" may be having the same amount or more sex but doing it for the sake of it, like an addiction.

I agree, more clarification around the scale is needed.


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## Faithful Wife

Clarification, coming soon!

Larry, I've tried to leave sex addiction off my scale, because it seems like a disorder or distortion versus a natural proclivity. But having said that, I think anyone could get distorted and end up displaying behaviors of addiction, no matter where there natural proclivity level is. 

If someone feels they have always had a very high sex drive compared to most people, and this hasn't been influenced by some outside event(s), and it isn't just a way to hide from negative emotions, and it is something you are self-aware about and understand about yourself, then I'd call that hypersexual.


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## Holland

Is the term hypersexual your terminology or a recognised term? It comes across as unbalanced when you look at words like hyperactive, meaning over active.

By your definition I would say I am hypersexual in that I enjoy frequent sex, need it and want it but I would never refer to myself as hypersexual. It has a negative connotation not a balanced or healthy one.


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## Faithful Wife

From what I have found, there just isn't a better term for hyper-sexuality. Like hyper-activity, it doesn't have to mean a bad thing but it is definitely outside of the norm to a large degree. If you search the word, it does get tied to sex addiction a lot. However, hyper-sexuality that is self-aware and not a symptom of trying to avoid feelings or life...what better word is there? I simply didn't come up with a word that fit better than hyper-sexuality.

The people who I've known who self identify as hyper-sexual were not sex addicts, some only had one partner, and they did not have a history of destructive sexual behavior. They just had so much higher drive than most people, that even extremely sexual people are like "yeah dude, you are hyper-sexual".


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## larry.gray

Faithful Wife said:


> From what I have found, there just isn't a better term for hyper-sexuality.


I've heard it used elsewhere.



Faithful Wife said:


> The people who I've known who self identify as hyper-sexual were not sex addicts, some only had one partner, and they did not have a history of destructive sexual behavior. They just had so much higher drive than most people, that even extremely sexual people are like "yeah dude, you are hyper-sexual".


That's me. My wife is the only woman I've gone past 2nd base with. I've never cheated, never done questionable things or pushed boundaries except with her (things like semi-public sex with her).


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## larry.gray

Holland said:


> I consider myself HD and enjoy sex on average 10 - 15 times a week but this is with a compatible man, in a healthy relationship. To me a person that would describe themselves as "hyper sexual" may be having the same amount or more sex but doing it for the sake of it, like an addiction.


I don't think HD quite conveys 10+ per week. From what I understand, "average" is 2-3 times a week. 5 is high. 10 is very high. 10+ I think is rare.

How old are you, or more importantly, how old is your husband? I'm 43, and I just don't have the ability anymore. On non-period weeks we normally are a little bit lower than you, around 10-12 per week. That's counting encounters though, and sometimes they are "double headers" for PIV.


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## Holland

Sorry guys not trying to be contrary, just happen to think language is very important. Coming from a past sexually dysfunctional marriage I also think people need terminology they can relate to. I still think hyper has negative connotations, hypercondiac, hyperbole etc. I also googled the term hyper sexual and it does not have a positive meaning.

Larry I am 47, my partner is 53, we both come from past sexless marriages and are both very HD, well I think we are anyway but who knows what it all means. We are extremely compatible in and outside of the bedroom.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faithful Wife

I would be open to a better term, I just haven't found one in literature or research. In the sex blogger and sex educator community, I've passed this around a few times and people are good with the term, and I just haven't had any suggestions of a better one. I'm still open to suggestions, however and eventually I'll re-do my scale to look more polished anyway (a friend did it for me).

What better word is there for someone who is so highly sexual that most people, even extremely sexual people, just can't relate...and they are not using sex as a distraction or addiction, and it is a pervasive and long standing libido and proclivity?

Having heard many people self identify as hyper sexual who I knew personally and could then match that with their long standing behavior, I just picked that as the best term that came into my awareness (so far).

I developed the scale as a conversation tool primarily, so it can be changed and is not tied to anyone else's scale. I haven't found any other scale like it, thus far.


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## larry.gray

No offense was intended Holland. I was attempting to use more precise language as I saw it, but if that language is offensive I will restrain the use.


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## Holland

Oh no, no offense at all. I am here for the respectful conversation, which is good to have with people that have a healthy view of sex.

As for other terminology please don't change anything because of my one opinion, just calling it like I see it. Maybe I am super sensitive?

As for other terms I don't have much for you. Even the terms LD/ HD etc are fairly new to me since being on TAM. 
ED (extreme drive) sort of has a problem as it could be confused with erectile dysfunction


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## larry.gray

Holland said:


> Larry I am 47, my partner is 53, we both come from past sexless marriages and are both very HD, well I think we are anyway but who knows what it all means. We are extremely compatible in and outside of the bedroom.


Well you're definitely off the charts. I hope to be doing it that often in another decade, but I'm sliding a bit.


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## Holland

I hope to be doing it for many years to come. My dad is in his early 70's and still has a regular sex life, OK not so often but still healthy. 

The other thing is that me being peri menopause is great, only have to worry about periods about twice a year and the possibility of pregnancy is almost zero.
Kids are getting older and off doing their own thing. Also we both have zero tolerance for sexlessness now (barring ill health or valid reasons) so we are on the same page when it comes to intimacy, frequency etc.


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## doobie

Completed online


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## larry.gray

Holland - if you don't mind me being nosy - what are you using for BC? Right now my wife is pregnant (10WKS). At this point it seems like sterilization for either of us seems less worth it. If I was in my early 30's a vasectomy would make sense, we're talking 20 years that it would be needed for. Now we're looking at well less than half of that where pregnancy can be a concern.


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## ocotillo

Holland said:


> I still think hyper has negative connotations, hypercondiac.....


That would be hypochondriac. "Hypo" in Greek is the exact opposite of "Hyper" and the two words roughly correspond to the English prepositions "Under" and "Over" respectively. (e.g. Hypotension is low blood pressure, while Hypertension is high blood pressure.) 

I would agree that there is the possibility of negative connotation because so many medical terms with these prefixes have been coined to describe things that are harmful or dangerous. 

I don't think it's inherent in the words themselves though. "Hyperbaric" is pretty neutral and "Hyperabundance" is positive.


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## heartsbeating

How about _supersexual_..?


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## Holland

ocotillo said:


> That would be hypochondriac. "Hypo" in Greek is the exact opposite of "Hyper" and the two words roughly correspond to the English prepositions "Under" and "Over" respectively. (e.g. Hypotension is low blood pressure, while Hypertension is high blood pressure.)
> 
> I would agree that there is the possibility of negative connotation because so many medical terms with these prefixes have been coined to describe things that are harmful or dangerous.
> 
> I don't think it's inherent in the words themselves though. "Hyperbaric" is pretty neutral and "Hyperabundance" is positive.


Oh good call, sorry about that. Language is important to me but clearly my spelling skills are trash.

Anyway it was just my first reaction to the term hyper sexual and interestingly when I then looked it up, the term is a negative one.

Hypersexuality - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


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## Faithful Wife

I still don't consider it negative...but I do believe that the world doesn't like people who are hypersexual. They make other people uncomfortable, and to less sexual people, a hypersexual person may seem like they have a disorder or that they are a sex addict. But there are some people who, by their very nature, have always had a hyper sex drive and yet are not compulsive sex addicts. 

Compulsive, destructive behavior is the problem, not the sexuality itself. There are hypersexual people who are not destructive to themselves or others.

Very few people would be in this category, the same way that very few people are full asexual. A lot of people misunderstand asexual as a category as well. Many people who are sexual feel that if you are asexual then something "happened to you" that made you that way, a trauma, or a mental health issue. But true asexuality is a natural state for some people and is not a disorder.

While some people may never want to have sex due to disorder, dysfunction or trauma, this isn't asexuality.

Again, I wish there was a better word for hypersexuality, but until there is better understanding of how much range there is in human sexuality, I think the top and bottom ends of the scale will always be held as "suspicious" by many.


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## Thor

*What is your gender and age?

Male mid 50's


*How many sex partners have you had? Do you know how many sex partners your current partner has had?

Me 1. I thought I knew her # but discovered she lied and misrepresented herself before we got married (and never corrected the record).


*Where do you think you land on my Sexual Proclivity Scale, and where do you think your partner lands on it?

Me: Regularly Sexual. Wife: Somewhere between Not Very and Asexual. For many years after the wedding I thought she was asexual, though that is in contradiction to her history before we met and our history before the wedding.


*If there is a mismatch between the proclivity level of you and your partner in the answer above, do you feel this is part of the problem in your sexual relationship?

Yes.


*How long have you been in this relationship, and how long has it been sexless? 
35 years. 30 years.


*If it wasn’t always sexless, do you know if there was an event or reason that made the relationship become sexless, and did it change all at once or slowly?

It changed all at once. Almost certainly due to her child sex abuse history. (She did not tell me of the abuse until recently).


*Describe how being sexless makes you feel, physically and emotionally. Describe how it affects your life, whether positive or negative or neutral.

There's not enough space to describe the negatives! For years I thought there was something defective or repulsive about me (but I didn't know what it was) which turned this happily sexual woman into an asexual who made every excuse in the book to avoid or refuse sex with me. I feel rejected, unloved, deceived, manipulated (when she does dole out sex it must mean she wants something from me), and used.


*Are you currently physically attracted to your partner? Are they physically attracted to you?

Yes and yes.


*Do you talk to anyone about the sexlessness; friends, relatives, a counselor?

Yes. A relative and a counselor. Have spoken a bit with friends in the past about it.


*How concerned are you that this relationship will end because of the sexlessness? (Or if it did already end, was it primarily because of the sexlessness?)

Well it should have ended due to the sexlessness in the first year of marriage, but I was too naive and too self-blaming to do so! I don't think it will end due specifically to lack of sex, but the lack of sex is a significant clue to deep issues in the marriage, and the marriage is on shaky ground.


*Conversely, if you would not contemplate ending the relationship, why not?

In the past I did not end the relationship because of the kids. Now I consider not ending it because of the significant financial penalties of divorce, and the severe impact on my ability to retire in 10 years.


*If sexlessness is a problem to you, do you think becoming non-monogamous would be a possible way to deal with it?

Yes, but only if it were openly agreed upon, and does not include her going outside the marriage.


*Have you had other long term relationships (two years or longer) that were also sexless? If yes, please describe the relationship and length of it.

No


*Have you had other long term relationships (two years or longer) that were more sexually fulfilling to you than this one? If yes, please describe the relationship and the length of it.

N/A since my wife is the only person I've had sex with. However I did have a much more fulfilling non-PiV physical relationship with a high school / college girlfriend. Though I wanted it to be PiV, we were otherwise quite physical and I was quite happy with that.


*How do you feel about the quality of the sex you do have (or used to have) with this partner? Do you feel you are a good sex partner, and do you feel your partner is one?

Good to great quality when we do have sex. Yes and yes, we are both good at sex.


*How do you think your life might change if you were able to have all the sex you want and could always have the quality of sex you want? (Assume for this exercise that you may or may not have the same sex partner as you do now).

I would feel more loved and have a happier daily outlook on life.


*Are you in love with your partner? Do you feel your partner is in love with you? Does your answer have a correlation to the sexlessness issue in your relationship?

Not any more. Too many lies and deceptions over the years, many related to sex in some way. I don't know if she ever was really "in love" with me. I think she may have settled for what she thought would be a safe Nice Guy like her father was. Her parents had a likely very sexless marriage, though polite and cooperative. My wife wanted the same kind of marriage. I currently don't desire sex with her because of my emotional state related to her deceptions and in large part due to our sex history.


*Would you say that you or your partner have shame surrounding sex and sexuality? Would you say that either of you are sexually repressed?

Me, some sexual toxic shame in the past due to my upbringing. I don't feel I was ever repressed. Her, no shame before we started dating, and she seemed quite open with her sexuality for the first year we dated. She became quite repressed as a side effect of her sex abuse. Marriage, and then having children (especially female babies) is a common trigger for CSA victims. She became unable to deal with sex _within the marriage_.

*If the answer above is yes for either of you, do you think shame or repression are affecting or creating the sexlessness in your relationship?

Yes at first for me I was not assertive in dealing with the sexlessness within the marriage due to being young and feeling some guilt. That lasted for about 2 or 3 years in the marriage. Her, absolutely the CSA shame is 100% the cause of her sexual/emotional dysfunction.


*Did you or your partner suffer any form of sexual trauma or abuse that you know of? If yes, did you or your partner receive professional help in dealing with it? If yes, do you think this affects the sexual relationship you are in together?

Me, no trauma. Her, yes as a pre-teen. No she has never received any professional help, and refuses to. Yes it affects the relationship that she will not seek help, because there is no light at the end of the tunnel for me.


*Do you or your partner have any sexual dysfunction or disability (either mental or physical)?

No.


*Do you and your partner know much about each other’s sexual histories (beyond number of partners)?

Yes she knows all about mine. I know the basics about her history but also know there is much she has kept hidden intentionally (deceptively).


*Is there anything else you would like to note that is not covered in one of the questions above?

Can't think of anything.


----------



## Almostrecovered

I started to take it then I just felt like I was bragging


----------



## larry.gray

Almostrecovered said:


> I started to take it then I just felt like I was bragging


Nothing quite like sex during the manic stage, is there?


----------



## firebelly1

Thor - so sad that you have been sexless for 30 years. You say that in the early days you put up with it because you blamed yourself but...why so long? After two years I suggested MC.


----------



## firebelly1

Here's one other question - what defines a sex addict in this context? Can frequency be a sign of that?


----------



## larry.gray

A sex addict is someone who does harmful things to get sex.

At the extreme is rape, molestation (when they're not a pedophile - just the opportunity was underage), visiting prostitutes, cheating, questionable partners, no safe sex... and so on.

Sex addiction is not very frequent magnanimous sex.


----------



## TheCuriousWife

I took the survey since you asked me to.  But as Larry said, I'm not sexless. So take my answers with a grain of salt.


----------



## GA HEART

*What is your gender and age?
F 35 (BF is 41)

*How many sex partners have you had? Do you know how many sex partners your current partner has had?

25, he has had MANY more than that (according to him, lol!)

*Where do you think you land on my Sexual Proclivity Scale, and where do you think your partner lands on it? (you can find my Sexual Proclivity scale at the top of this blog post):
I Married a Sex God: How Sexual Are You?

I would say I'm very and he's not very.


*If there is a mismatch between the proclivity level of you and your partner in the answer above, do you feel this is part of the problem in your sexual relationship?

Yes and yes

*How long have you been in this relationship, and how long has it been sexless? (If you are taking the survey because you used to be in a sexless relationship, please answer accordingly including how long the relationship lasted).

2 years, not exactly sexless, but not as much as I would like.....for about 6 months or so I guess.

*If it wasn’t always sexless, do you know if there was an event or reason that made the relationship become sexless, and did it change all at once or slowly?

Slowly. I really don't know.

*Describe how being sexless makes you feel, physically and emotionally. Describe how it affects your life, whether positive or negative or neutral.

I don't feel desired, and that is kinda poopy. I have lost a little bit of confidence in that area, where I used to be very confident. I don't feel as adventerous and sometimes feel guilty for wanting it.

*Are you currently physically attracted to your partner? Are they physically attracted to you?

Yes, and I guess not. He has said as much. 

*Do you talk to anyone about the sexlessness; friends, relatives, a counselor?

Friends, and TAM

*How concerned are you that this relationship will end because of the sexlessness? (Or if it did already end, was it primarily because of the sexlessness?)

It's not a deal breaker to me, the relationship is very good otherwise.

*Conversely, if you would not contemplate ending the relationship, why not?

Because it's a good relationship otherwise. 

*If sexlessness is a problem to you, do you think becoming non-monogamous would be a possible way to deal with it?

He has mentioned me "finding a guy on the side," but I do not want to do that. Not really an option for me.

*Have you had other long term relationships (two years or longer) that were also sexless? If yes, please describe the relationship and length of it.

Never, this is a first. LOL!

*Have you had other long term relationships (two years or longer) that were more sexually fulfilling to you than this one? If yes, please describe the relationship and the length of it.

Sadly, even though it wasn't sexless, my 13 year marriage was NOT fulfilling sexually at all. He was awful in bed.....very selfish. And there were times he chose to masturbate instead of be with me.

*How do you feel about the quality of the sex you do have (or used to have) with this partner? Do you feel you are a good sex partner, and do you feel your partner is one?

Yes and yes

*How do you think your life might change if you were able to have all the sex you want and could always have the quality of sex you want? (Assume for this exercise that you may or may not have the same sex partner as you do now).

I would feel desired, and wouldn't feel poopy about not feeling desired. And I think we might be a little closer too.

*Are you in love with your partner? Do you feel your partner is in love with you? Does your answer have a correlation to the sexlessness issue in your relationship?

Yes and yes. And nope.

*Would you say that you or your partner have shame surrounding sex and sexuality? Would you say that either of you are sexually repressed?

Actaully, yes, I think he is ashamed of his lack of desire. And here lately, I am a tad ashamed of my needing more. I don't think either of us are repressed.

*If the answer above is yes for either of you, do you think shame or repression are affecting or creating the sexlessness in your relationship?

Probably, yes.

*Did you or your partner suffer any form of sexual trauma or abuse that you know of? If yes, did you or your partner receive professional help in dealing with it? If yes, do you think this affects the sexual relationship you are in together?

I was date raped at one point in my life, but it didn't affect me as badly as it could have. He does have abuse in his past, and yes, I could see it causing some of the problems. He has had professional help.

*Do you or your partner have any sexual dysfunction or disability (either mental or physical)?

Ocassional ED on his part. Think it's a mix of both.

*Do you and your partner know much about each other’s sexual histories (beyond number of partners)?

Yes, I think so.

*Is there anything else you would like to note that is not covered in one of the questions above?


----------



## Thor

firebelly1 said:


> Thor - so sad that you have been sexless for 30 years. You say that in the early days you put up with it because you blamed yourself but...why so long? After two years I suggested MC.


I'll try to keep this reasonably short..

At the end of the first year I was totally stressed out, both by work and by the sexless marriage. Family of Origin issues (which I didn't understand at all back then) played into me blaming myself first. Also, she was very openly sexual from the beginning with me, and as she described her previous relationships it was clear she was an active participant. Her boyfriends were older and had money, so she experienced a much more adult sex life than most people her age. She was far from a prude.

Something had obviously occurred to change her into a sex averse person. Which meant something could be fixed.

I went to IC, but unfortunately was gas lighted by him. He was quite incompetent as it turned out, assuring me that her aversion to sex was due to her stress of being a grad student (same program this guy graduated from a few years earlier), and he assured me things would improve when she finished in a few years.

She obviously liked sex before, even with me when we were dating. So this change was either due to stress, which I wanted to believe, or was due to me somehow becoming repulsive.

She learned to meter out sex just enough to keep me from leaving. Once after six months, then again the next month, then reluctantly one more time, then nothing for 6 to 12 months.

At year 3 we started trying to get pregnant. So at least I was getting sex 2 or 3 times per month. She had major infertility issues and didn't get pregnant for about 2 years. Other than sex, we were a good match and things were pretty good.

For all this time I was torn between whether I was somehow responsible for the sexlessness, or if there was some stressor which could be identified and fixed. As a textbook Nice Guy, I took it upon myself to diagnose and fix whatever was wrong, rather than setting healthy expectations and boundaries. That IC from early on had unknowingly planted exactly the wrong seed in my mind.

I got disillusioned and recognized the sex was not good, and determined to fix the problem. I had decided to tell her no more trying to get pregnant (lots of pharmaceuticals involved) until the marriage got on track. We sat in the docs office and he said the next step was in vitro. She said she had one more month of meds, to which he said if she was going to get pregnant with those, it would have happened many months ago.

So I went along with trying one more month, and yup she got pregnant.

After that I pretty much decided not to leave because of the baby, and not wanting some strange man in the house with my baby girl. Ironically this would never have happened because of my wife's abuse history she never would have had another man in the house.

But I didn't know of her abuse at this point. And so I had no idea what was going on.

When the baby was 1, I pleaded for MC but she refused. She would not discuss sex with me to any significant degree, and obviously she was withholding the critical information what was going on with her triggers etc from the CSA.

I was seriously on the verge of leaving her but a trusted friend encouraged me to keep trying a little bit longer. Then she seemed to be trying to work on the marriage, but surprise! She magically got pregnant again. I felt I needed to stay for the kids, and though I tried everything I could think of for many years, nothing got better. It got to the point where suppressing my sexuality was easier than dealing with the constant rejections. Having an expectation of no sex was less painful than hoping for some sex.

And then one gets into the trap of there always being one more marker in the future which motivates staying a bit longer. Next thing I knew, we had teen girls with teen drama, and I needed to be there until they went to college.

When the second daughter left, I confronted her about the marriage, and she revealed the CSA. A lot of pieces of the puzzle came together, along with me learning a lot about myself.


----------



## firebelly1

I just think that's a tragedy Thor. So sorry.


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## Thor

When a Nice Guy pairs up with a sex abuse victim or other trauma victim it is a perfect storm. Neither one is equipped to make constructive changes to the relationship. Our dysfunctions locked us together.


----------



## Red Sonja

Answered on Survey Monkey.

25 years sexless and now FREE AT LAST!!


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## GrannyMildew

Greetings, I'm sorry, I took the questionnaire but forgot to add that I can no longer bear to watch love scenes in movies or on television. And in books, I skip over any sexual parts. Too painful. 

Also, in public I watch other couples extremely closely which is something I never used to do. If I see signs of intimacy, my eyes well up with tears and I must leave the area they are in. Much too painful to observe. 

Our bucket list as a couple has been dumped....there is now no longer anything in it for us as a couple. 

Sex and intimacy make SO many things in marriage better, richer , deeper and closer. The absence is palpably painful.

I read on TAM about hubbys whose wives resist.their advances or intimate gestures or who cooperate very little, and wonder what we did so wrong in this life to deserve having our hearts and souls ripped to shreds. I wonder WHY those other wives don't value what I would give up everything I own, just to make love one last time.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Faithful Wife said:


> From what I have found, there just isn't a better term for hyper-sexuality. Like hyper-activity, it doesn't have to mean a bad thing but it is definitely outside of the norm to a large degree. If you search the word, it does get tied to sex addiction a lot. However, hyper-sexuality that is self-aware and not a symptom of trying to avoid feelings or life...what better word is there? I simply didn't come up with a word that fit better than hyper-sexuality.
> 
> *The people who I've known who self identify as hyper-sexual were not sex addicts, some only had one partner, and they did not have a history of destructive sexual behavior. They just had so much higher drive than most people, that even extremely sexual people are like "yeah dude, you are hyper-sexual"*.


I felt like this for 8 full months, as Larry Gray coined it.. I would call it "INSANE drive"... I even posted on a Sex addiction forum about it -but explained I am purely monogamous... to see if they would asses me.. they deemed I was OK.. and not a sex addict..so I looked for another forum & found TAM... 

But I do feel I was addicted to my husband during that time.. it was almost painful to keep my hands off of him .. 

I could hardly sleep.. if they could manufacture a pill to give women that had *this effect*...it would be like this expression.....







....

I wasn't trying to avoid my feelings or life. I just wanted more of what I felt we missed suddenly...I wanted to experience it ALL...Now...Live it, take it to the heights... there was a deep intensity I couldn't put down... it was "electric"...his touch... I couldn't get enough.. Dopamine had me on some sort of hamster wheel.. till it let me off months later .. then I actually needed "foreplay" again. 

Thankfully he was GAME and this was a temporary phase I was passing through.. (with it came pms & some meltdowns if I felt he didn't desire me)...

Looking back I will call it a blessing - because it opened my eyes / the understanding of how these incessant high drivers THINK , their struggle & how physically, even emotionally tormenting it could be when dealing with a spouse who rejects and just doesn't "get it" ... I couldn't mentally lay these feelings down during that.. they were screaming.. (I sound :crazy: here I know! )

I suppose just "doing oneself" could alleviate.. for me, that seemed very hollow, it would have angered me & caused resentment even.. .. I wanted the emotional connection just as strongly as the physical release...


----------



## IceCrystal

oh my god. 
And i though that i stayed for too long in a sexless relationship.
Intended to end it after a few months of lies and deceiving. Though it became sexless about two years ago i discover all the lies only by the end of last year. And after many times i told her to leave and after just as many times she came back crying and promising things will be good, i finally got convinced she has no intention to change. 
Only one slight problem now, i have to wait for the baby to be born, cause she was clever enough to fool me into getting her pregnant, saying that it will change things, and me stupid enough to believe her. 
But in the spring will be a new beginning, just before my birthday ... a divorce will be the best gift i'll ever get, that if i won't make more compromises for love of the baby. 
God help me to be strong and get this done over with, she just ain't worth my love )

p.s.: Completed the survey online  

@Faithful Wife : What did you learn so far from the survey?


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## Thor

Ice, why are you waiting for the baby to be born?

What lies and deceptions did you discover?


----------



## richardsharpe

Good evening larry.greay
I'd add that anyone who finds themselves frequently having sex and then regretting it would qualify as an addict. 



larry.gray said:


> A sex addict is someone who does harmful things to get sex.
> 
> At the extreme is rape, molestation (when they're not a pedophile - just the opportunity was underage), visiting prostitutes, cheating, questionable partners, no safe sex... and so on.
> 
> Sex addiction is not very frequent magnanimous sex.


----------



## Fozzy

GrannyMildew said:


> Greetings, I'm sorry, I took the questionnaire but forgot to add that *I can no longer bear to watch love scenes in movies or on television*. And in books, I skip over any sexual parts. Too painful.
> 
> *Also, in public I watch other couples extremely closely which is something I never used to do. If I see signs of intimacy, my eyes well up with tears and I must leave the area they are in. Much too painful to observe. *
> 
> Our bucket list as a couple has been dumped....there is now no longer anything in it for us as a couple.
> 
> Sex and intimacy make SO many things in marriage better, richer , deeper and closer. The absence is palpably painful.
> 
> I read on TAM about hubbys whose wives resist.their advances or intimate gestures or who cooperate very little, and wonder what we did so wrong in this life to deserve having our hearts and souls ripped to shreds. I wonder WHY those other wives don't value what I would give up everything I own, just to make love one last time.


I took my girls to buy their halloween costumes this afternoon. A young lady (probably very early 20's) was helping us when a guy about her age was leaving the store for the day and stopped to say goodbye. The look they were giving each other (I remember that look from my younger days) actually made me sad. I'm also frequently the same way about sex scenes on TV or movies. I can't even stand to watch them anymore.


----------



## Faithful Wife




----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

I'm not sure I fit your profile but I am in a sexless relationship (5 or so times a year) but I don't think it's just simply for HD/LD reasons so feel free to not use it. 



Faithful Wife said:


> *What is your gender and age?
> 
> F-29
> 
> *How many sex partners have you had? Do you know how many sex partners your current partner has had?
> 
> Me- 10ish
> Him- dozens, maybe 50 or more
> 
> *Where do you think you land on my Sexual Proclivity Scale, and where do you think your partner lands on it? (you can find my Sexual Proclivity scale at the top of this blog post):
> I Married a Sex God: How Sexual Are You?
> 
> Me- Very sexual
> Him- Regular sexual
> 
> *If there is a mismatch between the proclivity level of you and your partner in the answer above, do you feel this is part of the problem in your sexual relationship?
> 
> Unsure. When we talk about it our ideal sex frequency is the same, we masturbate the same amount of times, we both want sex, just not the same way
> 
> *How long have you been in this relationship, and how long has it been sexless? (If you are taking the survey because you used to be in a sexless relationship, please answer accordingly including how long the relationship lasted).
> 
> 8 years, sexless for 7
> 
> *If it wasn’t always sexless, do you know if there was an event or reason that made the relationship become sexless, and did it change all at once or slowly?
> 
> It started with my pregnancy.
> 
> *Describe how being sexless makes you feel, physically and emotionally. Describe how it affects your life, whether positive or negative or neutral.
> 
> I feel unwanted, unloved, ugly. It's even harder to hear about men who want sex from their wives and are trying anything to get it.
> 
> *Are you currently physically attracted to your partner? Are they physically attracted to you?
> 
> Yes and yes
> 
> *Do you talk to anyone about the sexlessness; friends, relatives, a counselor?
> 
> No, just some on TAM
> 
> *How concerned are you that this relationship will end because of the sexlessness? (Or if it did already end, was it primarily because of the sexlessness?)
> 
> If it ends, the sexlessness will be one of the top 3 reasons that it did. I'm not concerned so much as waiting until it does.
> 
> *Conversely, if you would not contemplate ending the relationship, why not?
> 
> *If sexlessness is a problem to you, do you think becoming non-monogamous would be a possible way to deal with it?
> 
> It wouldn't work because he wouldn't be on board with it and what I am missing is an emotional connection with sex, not just a meaningless banging (I can get that at home  ) So in order for me to fulfill my needs I would have to be emotionally involved which would be too risky to have in an open relationship.
> 
> *Have you had other long term relationships (two years or longer) that were also sexless? If yes, please describe the relationship and length of it.
> 
> No
> 
> *Have you had other long term relationships (two years or longer) that were more sexually fulfilling to you than this one? If yes, please describe the relationship and the length of it.
> 
> More sex in my only other LTR but it was also not good sex. It was an abusive relationship so sex was simply to keep him happy. I didn't learn that I could enjoy sex until after that and before this relationship.
> 
> *How do you feel about the quality of the sex you do have (or used to have) with this partner? Do you feel you are a good sex partner, and do you feel your partner is one?
> 
> The sex is not good, which is the biggest reason it's non-existent. I feel I am, or at least used to be, a good sex partner. I engage, communicate, willing to try anything, willing to do whatever it takes for my partner to enjoy it.
> He, not so much. He used to be unwilling to give oral (he will now but doesn't like to) and didn't care if I O'd or not. Sex is all about him.
> 
> *How do you think your life might change if you were able to have all the sex you want and could always have the quality of sex you want? (Assume for this exercise that you may or may not have the same sex partner as you do now).
> 
> I think I would be less resentful which would fix other areas of the relationship. I think we would feel more connected too and my confidence would be higher
> 
> *Are you in love with your partner? Do you feel your partner is in love with you? Does your answer have a correlation to the sexlessness issue in your relationship?
> 
> Me- unsure.
> Him- he loves me as much as he can.
> It is correlated because I can't open up to my feelings with my walls up from feeling rejected and unloved.
> 
> *Would you say that you or your partner have shame surrounding sex and sexuality? Would you say that either of you are sexually repressed?
> 
> No, both are pretty open about sex and sexuality. No religious issues or unresolved sexual abuse issues
> 
> *If the answer above is yes for either of you, do you think shame or repression are affecting or creating the sexlessness in your relationship?
> 
> *Did you or your partner suffer any form of sexual trauma or abuse that you know of? If yes, did you or your partner receive professional help in dealing with it? If yes, do you think this affects the sexual relationship you are in together?
> 
> Me- yes. No professional help, no long term trauma. I don't think it's a big deal in my life or has created sexual issues for me
> Him- no
> 
> *Do you or your partner have any sexual dysfunction or disability (either mental or physical)?
> 
> no
> 
> *Do you and your partner know much about each other’s sexual histories (beyond number of partners)?
> 
> He knows some and I know some. We don't talk about it much. I know he was the kind of guy who women just threw themselves at and he never had to chase women or sex, they came to him.
> He knows I was the kind of girl who was used for sex.
> 
> *Is there anything else you would like to note that is not covered in one of the questions above?
> 
> I think my situation is a little different than the norm because the fault lands on both of us. We are both rejecting.
> If my goal was to simply get laid, have a non-O sex session, I could have that daily. When he asks for that I say no.
> What I want is quality sex which is what he's rejecting. He wants easy sex, bjs, me on top, etc. I want to make love, foreplay, passion, have him WANT to give me an O, not just do it because he's supposed to, etc.
> So we are at a standstill. Last sex was a few weekends ago, before that was at least 6 months. Will probably be at least another 6 months before one of us caves again. If we make it that long.


----------



## firebelly1

This thread is sad. My heart just breaks for people spending YEARS without a satisfying sex life.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

firebelly1 said:


> This thread is sad. My heart just breaks for people spending YEARS without a satisfying sex life.


I feel the same way and frankly, when someone *like this* falls into the arms of another...I have more sympathy for the wayward. Don't really care if others judge me for that -even my own husband understands it. I just don't see the serial rejecting cold callous spouse as "innocent" in these situations....more like the mortal enemy of the marriage who threw the 1st dagger and keep pushing it in further. 

Shame on them all. They should have remained single & just got themselves a roommate.


----------



## techmom

SimplyAmorous said:


> I feel the same way and frankly, when someone *like this* falls into the arms of another...I have more sympathy for the wayward. Don't really care if others judge me for that -even my own husband understands it. I just don't see the serial rejecting cold callous spouse as "innocent" in these situations....more like the mortal enemy of the marriage who threw the 1st dagger and keep pushing it in further.
> 
> Shame on them all. They should have remained single & just got themselves a roommate.


It is not always the fault of the "cold callous rejecting" spouse, sometimes at the beginning of the relationship there are signs of LD, but the HD thinks that if they can just push a little bit more that they can get them to want sex as much.


----------



## Faithful Wife

firebelly1 said:


> This thread is sad. My heart just breaks for people spending YEARS without a satisfying sex life.


This is the point of my blog post in process. To raise awareness of what sexlessness or a sexual mismatch can do to people in a relationship...with the hope of warning younger people who might be thinking of getting into a relationship "even though the sex doesn't seem great but maybe it will get better".


----------



## Faithful Wife

techmom said:


> It is not always the fault of the "cold callous rejecting" spouse, sometimes at the beginning of the relationship there are signs of LD, but the HD thinks that if they can just push a little bit more that they can get them to want sex as much.


I agree, and in my survey responses I am seeing several people saying that they may be LD but they would happily have more sex if their spouse was at least interested in them as a person, gave more affection, or listened to what they need in bed.

Just because someone is HD doesn't mean they know that much about sex or being a good lover, even with their own partner.

It is not the LD's "fault", IMO. It is usually both partners' fault for not being more self-aware.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

techmom said:


> It is not always the fault of the "cold callous rejecting" spouse, sometimes at the beginning of the relationship there are signs of LD, but the HD thinks that if they can just push a little bit more that they can get them to want sex as much.


Please know , by my post I am emphasizing with many of those who are in sexless marriages that appear to be LOVING spouses, I mean they are HERE, not screwing around , or hooking up for sex somewhere, many stay for their children because they are so loving and sacrificial.. and I do feel for them in a strong way... as I know I personally would not BE this sacrificial...I'd likely be impossible to live with even, it would effect me too much in a BAD BAD way.... I'd have to get out.. but that's just me..

But in no way it is a Black & white HD vs LD situation ..goodness NO!... I think it would be wise to say even *RESENTMENT* (could be over anything) causes more Low drive than hormones by a long shot....maybe the husband is cold , never listens to his wife, hangs out with the guys, is an alcoholic, swoons other women in her presence, bosses her around, then expects Sex every night.. why would she want to be with him [email protected]# Would I blame her .. [email protected]#$

Any husband or wife who thumbs their nose to their spouses emotional & physical needs..there is going to be a price to pay [email protected]#... or like you say... when one feels they can *change the other* after the vows.. it is a bad situation...a grave miscalculation even. 

I think I have just read too many stories here , men who asked if they could castrate themselves , take depression drugs just so they could calm the raging beast, it's like they hated themselves for their sex drives.. and I don't think that is OK.. I think they are better off getting out and finding someone who can love them for the way THEY are and what brings them happiness.. 

But nothing in life is ever so black & white.. many shades of Gray..


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## firebelly1

Faithful Wife said:


> This is the point of my blog post in process. To raise awareness of what sexlessness or a sexual mismatch can do to people in a relationship...with the hope of warning younger people who might be thinking of getting into a relationship "even though the sex doesn't seem great but maybe it will get better".


Dan Savage says that with about 80% of the calls he gets for his podcast, the problem is simply sexual incompatibility.


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## FeministInPink

I filled out the online survey, Faithful_Wife, though part of me is tempted to also post my answers here.

I think SimplyAmorous is right, it's not quite so black and white as LD v HD; there are usually a lot of other underlying/related issues going on at the same time. Certainly was the case in my marriage. Though the LD/HD issue (flag!) was there from the very beginning, I was too young/naive to recognize it and run in the opposite direction. 



GrannyMildew said:


> Sex and intimacy make SO many things in marriage better, richer , deeper and closer. The absence is palpably painful.
> 
> I read on TAM about hubbys whose wives resist.their advances or intimate gestures or who cooperate very little, and wonder what we did so wrong in this life to deserve having our hearts and souls ripped to shreds. I wonder WHY those other wives don't value what I would give up everything I own, just to make love one last time.


I see these threads, too, and I feel the same way. What I wouldn't give for a husband who wanted to boink me all the time! I would be in 7th heaven.


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## FeministInPink

firebelly1 said:


> Dan Savage says that with about 80% of the calls he gets for his podcast, the problem is simply sexual incompatibility.


I think part of the problem is that, as a society, we're very prudish about sex, and our [religious?] culture tends to dismiss the importance of sexual compatibility in a relationship. Religion teaches people that sex only belongs in the confines of a monogamous marriage, and if you love each other, the sex will be good.

That isn't always true!!!

I had a boyfriend when I was in college, super sweet, smart guy. I really liked him, and we had compatible values. We could have had a good future together. But... the sex wasn't good. He tried, he really did, and it wasn't awful; it was mediocre. We just weren't compatible sexually. So I broke it off, and I broke his heart, but I knew I couldn't take mediocre sex for the rest of my life, and I didn't want to waste either of our time.

And then there are a lot of women who were raised with the idea--and still hold onto the idea--that sex is something that women are expected to _*endure*_ and put up with, because of those horny men and their hormones. They're so hung up that they will never be able to enjoy sex, but they want to be married and have the family and whatever, so they give their husbands the bare minimum to keep him around. 

And then there are women like my mom, who married my dad so she could have sex (and he was the only guy she ever dated, and at 26 she was turning into an old maid), because the way she was raised you didn't have sex outside of marriage, but she doesn't really respect my dad all that much, and I think she's really disappointed in the way her sex life turned out, so she's generally not interested in it all that much as a result. But she gets pissed at my dad for looking at porn. (My poor dad.)

I think all of these are just SO sad.


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## firebelly1

FeministInPink said:


> I think part of the problem is that, as a society, we're very prudish about sex, and our [religious?] culture tends to dismiss the importance of sexual compatibility in a relationship.


I think this is so true. We don't think it's okay to have sexual compatibility as a criteria for continuing or ending a relationship and it absolutely should be.


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## Faithful Wife

Thanks everyone who participated. I got such great responses, though of course, as an overall picture it is a very sad one to read...hard to call them "great" responses. 

I'm working on compiling and reading all the survey answers into something readable as a blog post, and will come back and link the post here when I'm done. I'm going to take the survey monkey link out of the first post now, but anyone who wants to can still answer the questions here indefinitely.

Thanks again.


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## Thor

Faithful Wife said:


> with the hope of warning younger people who might be thinking of getting into a relationship "even though the sex doesn't seem great but maybe it will get better".


In my case the sex started out great, and then got worse shortly before the wedding. I thought it would get better, that there must be some temporary reason it got worse, perhaps the stress leading up to the wedding.

In hindsight with new knowledge I know the real reason was her CSA kicking in.

While the CSA is important in understanding after the fact what was going on, and it would have been extremely helpful to know at the time, the really important lesson is that the reason doesn't matter. What matters is that things were not good, and the trend was not positive.

As they say, marriage will not solve problems, it will only magnify them. If things aren't really great in every way, put off the wedding until they are.


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## Faithful Wife

Hello everyone...especially anyone who took my survey. I have written two blog posts about this survey, and have one more in the works. I wanted to update them here and will come update the third one when it is completed also.

I Married a Sex God: Why Do Some Relationships Become Sexless?

I Married a Sex God: Survey Says Sexlessness Sucks


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## Fozzy

How many respondents did you end up getting FW?


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## Faithful Wife

About 50. There could have been many more but I had to stop at a certain point because it was too much data to squeeze into a blog post.

I'm going to do a few more surveys, including one specifically for the LD spouse in sexless marriages.


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## Faithful Wife

This is an article by a guy who is newly divorced and dating and having sex again...he doesn't say that sexlessness itself caused the end of his marriage, but it was clearly part of the problem. I'm putting it here because I thought it was a nice sort of overview of some of the feelings one has when re-entering the world of dating and sex...

I Sing the Body Connected: Cultivating Sexual Energy | John McElhenney


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## SimplyAmorous

Faithful Wife said:


> This is an article by a guy who is newly divorced and dating and having sex again...he doesn't say that sexlessness itself caused the end of his marriage, but it was clearly part of the problem. I'm putting it here because I thought it was a nice sort of overview of some of the feelings one has when re-entering the world of dating and sex...
> 
> I Sing the Body Connected: Cultivating Sexual EnergyÂ*|Â*John McElhenney


I read that article , I liked the ending.. 



> So I'm looking for joy. I'm asking for a happy response from the women I see. I'm listening when they talk about their lives and their ex's and their kids, chores, work, love and ambitions. And if they don't have ambitions, if they can't tell me what they are passionate about, well, that's an issue for me.
> 
> I want you to be happy. I want to feel the electrical current connect between us when we are together. I'd love to feel the flush of desire when we make arrangements to take off our clothes together.
> 
> But as the current is interrupted, I can walk away from bad connections. A connection might be more like a hookup, but that's not what I'm looking for. That's why the new dating apps, Tinder and others, are not very interesting to me. They might offer a lot of potential electrical hookups, they are not sustainable. Someone looking for that kind of relationship is going to stay in that kind of relationship in the long run.
> 
> In the long-run I hope to find another woman who turns me on the in same way my wife did, even after 11 years of marriage. I'm not asking for her again, but someone who I can pour my current into. And this time, someone who can continue to feed some of the energy, enthusiasm, and joy back to me for recycling.


 Even after being burned.. he still has hope for a true romantic lasting relationship.....


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## Faithful Wife

Here's some great research!!

http://mobile.nytimes.com/2015/01/2...idowitz-searching-for-sex.html?referrer=&_r=0

On Google, there are five and a half times more complaints about an unmarried partner not wanting sex than an unmarried partner refusing to text back. There are more complaints that a boyfriend “won’t have sex” than that a “girlfriend” won’t. Complaints about “husbands” and “wives” are roughly equal.


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## firebelly1

Hey FW - I tried to get to your blog and it is denying me permission as I need to be invited apparently?


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## Faithful Wife

Hi firebelly...sorry I just now got back to this and turned my blog back on....

Here is the final post in this series. Many people from TAM took my survey and I used some of your answers on this post. Thank you to those who participated.

Sexy+Positive Blog: Survey Respondents Describe How Much Sexlessness Sucks


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## feeling lost

What is your gender and age? 
Male 65

*How many sex partners have you had? Do you know how many sex partners your current partner has had? 
Me 1 her 2 [affair]

*Where do you think you land on my Sexual Proclivity Scale, and where do you think your partner lands on it? (you can find my Sexual Proclivity scale at the top of this blog post):
I Married a Sex God: How Sexual Are You?

I am sexual, but she is not. I wanted like twice a week she wanted once a month at best 
*If there is a mismatch between the proclivity level of you and your partner in the answer above, do you feel this is part of the problem in your sexual relationship?
Yes most certainly

*How long have you been in this relationship, and how long has it been sexless? (If you are taking the survey because you used to be in a sexless relationship, please answer accordingly including how long the relationship lasted). 
Married 40 years sexless 15

*If it wasn’t always sexless, do you know if there was an event or reason that made the relationship become sexless, and did it change all at once or slowly? 
Was not sexless at start, but she had little desire and it all went downhill thereafter.

*Describe how being sexless makes you feel, physically and emotionally. Describe how it affects your life, whether positive or negative or neutral. 
Negative and lost

*Are you currently physically attracted to your partner? Are they physically attracted to you?
I feel little attraction unfortunately

*Do you talk to anyone about the sexlessness; friends, relatives, a counselor?
Counsellor but that was not really useful.

*How concerned are you that this relationship will end because of the sexlessness? (Or if it did already end, was it primarily because of the sexlessness?)
Parting crosses my mind often, but at my age what is to be gained by leaving?

*Conversely, if you would not contemplate ending the relationship, why not?

*If sexlessness is a problem to you, do you think becoming non-monogamous would be a possible way to deal with it?
Probably yes. I have thought about it but not done it.

*Have you had other long term relationships (two years or longer) that were also sexless? If yes, please describe the relationship and length of it.
No

*Have you had other long term relationships (two years or longer) that were more sexually fulfilling to you than this one? If yes, please describe the relationship and the length of it.
No

*How do you feel about the quality of the sex you do have (or used to have) with this partner? Do you feel you are a good sex partner, and do you feel your partner is one?
Was good once - when we had it. [For me I always felt I was having a baby with her -not sure how she felt though.]

*How do you think your life might change if you were able to have all the sex you want and could always have the quality of sex you want? (Assume for this exercise that you may or may not have the same sex partner as you do now).
I would feel confident again.

*Are you in love with your partner? Do you feel your partner is in love with you? Does your answer have a correlation to the sexlessness issue in your relationship?
I am not sure - my feelings are really mixed up.

*Would you say that you or your partner have shame surrounding sex and sexuality? Would you say that either of you are sexually repressed?
I am not sexually repressed but perhaps she is or was - but late in the day now I'm afraid.

*If the answer above is yes for either of you, do you think shame or repression are affecting or creating the sexlessness in your relationship?
Probably yes

*Did you or your partner suffer any form of sexual trauma or abuse that you know of? If yes, did you or your partner receive professional help in dealing with it? If yes, do you think this affects the sexual relationship you are in together?
No

*Do you or your partner have any sexual dysfunction or disability (either mental or physical)?
She is now dry and feels pain in the genital region.

*Do you and your partner know much about each other’s sexual histories (beyond number of partners)?
Guess so.

*Is there anything else you would like to note that is not covered in one of the questions above?


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## brownmale

"Sexless" is a bit arbitrary, I'd think, when it comes to definitions. I get sex say once a week or at best thrice in two weeks. If I didn't ask or seize it, I would have got it once a year. It's always me asking, demanding... 

Would I be classified as "sexless"?


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