# Some advice



## Drahcir (Oct 30, 2015)

What would you do and what did I do wrong.
Well my 5 yr marriage is coming to a end. I don't want it to but it's here, 8 years together gone. I'm going to get to the story in a minute. I don't want to leave anything out. I used to be very fit, never let anything get to me. I was an ok people person and I usually got along with everyone. I went overseas at 22 stayed for 4yrs. I met my wife there. When I came back I noticed everyone including my family began to treat me differently. I know it was because my life style changed and it hurt because it was coming at all angles. Gaining weight didn't help. I'm not perfect I've been at times not caring towards my wife's feelings but I'm human I love her with all my heart. My good out weighs the bad but I guess the bad is all my wife remembers and cared about from the way she talks. Now the story. 2012 and especailly 2013 were difficult times. I've been the bread winner majority of our marriage. The purchase of our house I let her out the down payment down even though I could have done it. I wanted us to share the experience together as a team. We had a setup to where I paid the large bills and she paid utilities. 2012 was the beginning of our finicial problens. We had a 600 dollar car note that was killing us. Why not sell it? First, I got it brand new at 45,000 and 2012 was the last year before it was paid off. Second as petty as it was I wanted to prove the people that were talking behind my back about how I was going to lose my car and my house wrong. We started pulling from my wife's savings. We didn't have to be in any official trouble but my wife as qualified as she is refused to find a better paying job. Instead she settled for a 8.00 hr job as a manager at a storage facility. We have no kids we could have been saving together. I decided to go back overseas. Ended up with a offer letter leaving to afghanistan early 2013. I asked my recruiter if putting my two weeks in at the end of December would be feasible. She told me that I would be leaving Jan 4 2013 so that i should be fine. Out my two weeks in long story short 2013 sequestration. Lost my new job right after quitting my old one. I didn't hear from the recruiter until March with a apology and a I wish you well. No job, wife working 8.00hr. We had no choice but to use her savings and the money her mother left her after she passed away. We almost lost the house that year. I came up with a plan for both of us to put in for this job overseas we both were qualified for and if one of us got hired the person hired would get the other over. My wife got hired and was tough parting. Well it's been two years and I'm still here and she is still overseas. Between all that time, there was a point I was insecure and felt like a failure cause at the time I still didn't have a job. I found out she was buddy buddy with some guy. They went to the movies together, I even had a chance to speak to him. There was some Christmas thing going on at his apartment and he told me I had a real good cook on my hands. I felt some type of way about that whole conversation. So I asked her if anything was going on between them in which she responded defensively "What, You doby trust me?" that in it self made me question her even more. Why so defensive? After that our communication was broken. Since then she has lied to me, disrespected me and resently told me she doesn't give a ****. So if you have read all of this. What would you do and what did I do wrong.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Marriage in trouble followed by a physical separation. Not a good idea.

It may be that if you want to save the marriage you two MUST get back together (over there or at home), lose the house and live cheaply. But I'm guessing the damage is already done.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

1. You cared too much about what other people thought and kept stuff you couldn't afford.
2. You kept relying on your wife's savings and inheritance to get you out of financial trouble = less respect for you as a man.
3. You criticize her $8 job but at least she had one and kept it! You quit a job without a firm offer letter??? WTH? And between January and March when you finally heard from the recruiter, what did you do? Sit on your hands and wait or get some job/any job?
4. You sacrificed your wife to get a job overseas. Why not jobs here? If you were willing to move, is there not opportunity where you were?

What was the lifestyle that changed which caused people to look at you differently?  

If she already has a place to live over there, you need to move NOW. After all she has a place to live. Store your stuff and move. You're more likely to get a job there once you live there anyway. Otherwise your marriage is over. Two years without a life partner? No way.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Drahcir said:


> What would you do and what did I do wrong.
> Well my 5 yr marriage is coming to a end. I don't want it to but it's here, 8 years together gone. I'm going to get to the story in a minute. I don't want to leave anything out. I used to be very fit, never let anything get to me. I was an ok people person and I usually got along with everyone. I went overseas at 22 stayed for 4yrs. I met my wife there. When I came back I noticed everyone including my family began to treat me differently. I know it was because my life style changed and it hurt because it was coming at all angles. Gaining weight didn't help. I'm not perfect I've been at times not caring towards my wife's feelings but I'm human I love her with all my heart. My good out weighs the bad but I guess the bad is all my wife remembers and cared about from the way she talks. Now the story. 2012 and especailly 2013 were difficult times. I've been the bread winner majority of our marriage. The purchase of our house I let her out the down payment down even though I could have done it. I wanted us to share the experience together as a team. We had a setup to where I paid the large bills and she paid utilities. 2012 was the beginning of our finicial problens. We had a 600 dollar car note that was killing us. Why not sell it? First, I got it brand new at 45,000 and 2012 was the last year before it was paid off. Second as petty as it was I wanted to prove the people that were talking behind my back about how I was going to lose my car and my house wrong. We started pulling from my wife's savings. We didn't have to be in any official trouble but my wife as qualified as she is refused to find a better paying job. Instead she settled for a 8.00 hr job as a manager at a storage facility. We have no kids we could have been saving together. I decided to go back overseas. Ended up with a offer letter leaving to afghanistan early 2013. I asked my recruiter if putting my two weeks in at the end of December would be feasible. She told me that I would be leaving Jan 4 2013 so that i should be fine. Out my two weeks in long story short 2013 sequestration. Lost my new job right after quitting my old one. I didn't hear from the recruiter until March with a apology and a I wish you well. No job, wife working 8.00hr. We had no choice but to use her savings and the money her mother left her after she passed away. We almost lost the house that year. I came up with a plan for both of us to put in for this job overseas we both were qualified for and if one of us got hired the person hired would get the other over. My wife got hired and was tough parting. Well it's been two years and I'm still here and she is still overseas. Between all that time, there was a point I was insecure and felt like a failure cause at the time I still didn't have a job. I found out she was buddy buddy with some guy. They went to the movies together, I even had a chance to speak to him. There was some Christmas thing going on at his apartment and he told me I had a real good cook on my hands. I felt some type of way about that whole conversation. So I asked her if anything was going on between them in which she responded defensively "What, You doby trust me?" that in it self made me question her even more. Why so defensive? After that our communication was broken. Since then she has lied to me, disrespected me and resently told me she doesn't give a ****. So if you have read all of this. *What would you do and what did I do wrong.*


Divorce. Almost everything.


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## Drahcir (Oct 30, 2015)

Thank you for your reply's. Yes I agree I thought too much of what people were thinking of me. The offer letter was in stone everything was signed and all I was waiting for was a email for my dates to leave to South Carolina for medicals and from that point new hires left to there job sited. I kept all the conversations the recruiter and I had. And yes the job was a sure thing.....the suprise of the sequestration is what did away with the position. It was bad luck but I agree I should have kept the job I had lesson learned. I wanted to take the holidays to spend with family before leaving and after getting the ok from my recruiter who since had been fired I believed them and made my decision to put in my two weeks. I didn't depend on her inhertaince,she said we were in this together but still it killed me that we had to use it. This economy is unforgivable. The only reason I agreed to get the house we had. She loved it and I assumed that she was in the future looking for work to help secure our future. Again I met her overseas and we worked together I loved her go get it attitude. I thought this was someone I could grow a future with in all aspects. What I should have done was have a tall with her on what she expected of me and what her plans were before purchasing the house. Once I lost my job I worked at Coke and I was let go from that job. I then enrolled in getting my P.B.U.S.E certification so I could give myself a better chance at finding a job. Applying over the internet is finicky. I made the best decision I thought were viable at the time. My thought process when saying we should BOTH apply for the position she currently has was the hail Mary to possible get us out the situation I allowed. Again the plan was who ever got over would get the other over. The simple fact she was selected should tell you my wife is very very qualified to work on base here at Fort Bragg. She chose not too. We live in a society where male and female can earn to contribute to the household. Yes she kept her job making 8.00 hr but if your able to earn more way not. If she was the same person I met overseas and made an effort to look for a better paying job we would have been ok financially. I haven't gone to live with her overseas because I ended up getting my old job back and I was lead to believe she was looking for work to come back home. If she looks at me less of a man because I thought we were in this together then I'll be that. I have been paying everything since she has been gone with little help from "her" overseas money. Now if we had kids I could understand. Now has far as the life style. Before I initially went overseas I was a **** up had nothing. Just partied and didn't care too much for my future. When I came back with my wife my outlook on life shifted. Having friends I made die, that were wounded and having a little more respect for life. I purchased a four bedroom home that was suppose to be the home we started out lives having two kids where they felt safe. Were our family and friends could come to get away or hang out. I didn't realize majority of people I knew before leaving would treat me has if I was a traitor for wanting better than I had it. It was brand new for me to get that much hate all at once. All I can say is I did the best I could. For better or for worse.


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## Drahcir (Oct 30, 2015)

I also want to note I work in Fort Bragg. She had opportunities to work on base but never followed up. I know what I'm about to say seem offensive but why have females pushed so hard for equality to only use it for self. Its like I want my cake and I want to eat yours too. It makes no sense to me. I was serious about my vowes. Your suppose to submit to each other. I died a little each time we used "her" money but what chose did we have. See I can't say I used all "my" 100,000 dollars plus I made providing for her. No that's wrong that's what a man is suppose to do right. Well what is a women suppose to do? God knows I tried, been patient, have up my whorish ways because she knew how much of a dog I use to be. I completely thought she was worth settling down for. I want to state now we both played a part in things collapsing. I understand what I did but now that she the better paying job she could of had here instead of staying at a 8.00 hr job. Now it's time to turn her back on the marriage. I apologize. Im just so angry.


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## Drahcir (Oct 30, 2015)

Believe me if I knew she wanted to stop working. We would have gotten something smaller that I.....yes I could afford.


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## Drahcir (Oct 30, 2015)

If she could have weathered the storm with so that we could learn from both our mistakes....I probably wouldn't be writing this. I don't regret anything, I loved her dispite everything. The wind blew and she gave up. Took care of her for three years I won't include 2012 because we started using "her" money but it just shows you what your dealing with when rain comes. I've learned from my mistakes. I'm looking to seek this house but I'm still holding the front down when it comes to this bills. I've received two raises and despite everything In proud of myself. I know what I bring to the table and if a bad year makes me a failure of a husband well what can you do. It will be hard to recover from this one but patience is going to have to be my best friend. Thank you guys again for your comments and if I offended anyone with my opinions on the female talk. Emotions is a hell of a drug.


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