# ~*~ Did your spouse cheat on you with a co-worker? ~*~



## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

I just heard another story from my neighbor that her husband left her for his secretary. My STBXH had affairs with three of his secretaries. "Work Place" affairs are nearly an epidemic. Did your spouse leave you for their co-worker, "secret" ary or boss?


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

VeryHurt said:


> I just heard another story from my neighbor that her husband left her for his secretary. My STBXH had affairs with three of his secretaries. "Work Place" affairs are nearly an epidemic. Did your spouse leave you for their co-worker, "secret" ary or boss?


Well, my W did get awfully close emotionally with a coworker before distancing herself from him.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

I've got a co-worker I'm interested in right now. I'm just trying to verify her salary and bonus level before making any definitive moves. DUDE


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Dude007 said:


> I've got a co-worker I'm interested in right now. I'm just trying to verify her salary and bonus level before making any definitive moves. DUDE


D-7 ~
You are such a goof-ball !! :wink2:
VH


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

I'd only cheat with someone who could fund me for the rest of my life. She has to be at least a six and worth at least $5MM....DUDE


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## nikoled (Mar 12, 2014)

Yep, a young intern at his office. Five month affair. It ended and we have been working hard to rebuild- she left his office and actually ended up passing away.

He has horrendous boundaries and self esteem issues. He has improved greatly in these areas but had to realize there were major issues first.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

My ex cheated on me with her married supervisor. He was a real loser and an alcoholic too but I guess the sneaking around and back stabbing excited her.

Till I dumped her ass....


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

I think the easier way to answer that question is who at her work didn't she sleep with.


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## HeartbrokenW (Sep 26, 2012)

Mine says he didn't cheat, but 8 wk after his ILYBNILWY speech he was living with a prior coworker. ....


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Not secretary, an intern


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

Yep, all three affairs were with co-workers, although she didn't leave me for any of them.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, with someone who reported to him. Looking back, I think he may also have been involved years before that with one of his assistants. I was more aware of her at the time than I was of others in his work life (he talked about her much, much more) but in those days I didn't believe there was even a tiny possibility he would cheat. I learned eventually I was really wrong to be that trusting. 

Very many affairs begin in the workplace. Always have. All those hours together (along with poor boundaries) can easily lead to affairs.


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## knightRider (Dec 31, 2014)

Wife not left me, but "had" poor boundaries at work. At least emotional affairs. 
Guys hitting on her at work, trying to go out for meals and lunches with her etc.

The workplace is the most dangerous place for EAs to develop.


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

I think so -at least an EA - he denied (of course)
I did with a coworker too- it seems to be a very slippery slope- A's are rampant in my workplace
-we are working on making the marriage strong again


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## knightRider (Dec 31, 2014)

I saw a You tube discussion on EAs. It said that humans have traditionally segregated the sexes and it's only the last few years that women have come more into the workplace and this has contributed to the increase in affairs.

It's very easy for affairs to start if communication between spouses is poor and there are weak boundaries..


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Two of my sister's both cheated with a boss / co-worker and both eventually divorced and married their AP's. 

Had multiple ex-friends that had workplace affairs. 

Had a third sister who I suspected of cheating with an old boss as well.

My nephew has had two workplace related affairs that we know of, and is in the process of divorcing because of a possible 3rd.

And last but not least, I came here initially because I thought that my W was becoming to close to a guy at work and thought it maybe was the beginnings of an EA. Did all the recommended TAM snooping but never found anything so I could never confirm it.


If you read Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass she lays out all about workplace A's.


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## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

When we were married, she used to complain about him constantly...he's such a perv, rude, flirts with everyone, takes our food from the staffroom fridge ( he's a teacher at her school )

A month after separation he's at our house renovating the kitchen

Two month's after that, she's in a threesome with him, screwing him at work ( the school ) in his locked office, and then screwing the married janitor in the boiler room an hour later.

I found out through devious means, and it's all true.

She didn't leave me for HIM, but for him and half the guys in my city!...but he was the start


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Dude007 said:


> I've got a co-worker I'm interested in right now. I'm just trying to verify her salary and bonus level before making any definitive moves. DUDE


You might also check her pension/retirement plan and stock portfolio, before you make any moves.:grin2:


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Of course, OP, my question is.....what difference does it make if it is a co-worker or Joe Sh*t the rag man?


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

My wife had an EA/PA six month long affair with her coworker. I will say that workplace affairs are more difficult to catch in certain situations. In my case she used all work electronics for communication, nothing personal was used. There was no missing time, no working late, no going to work early. So how do you catch that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Rookie4 said:


> Of course, OP, my question is.....what difference does it make if it is a co-worker or Joe Sh*t the rag man?


Spouse doesn't know the ragman.

But they might well know the co-worker. Have eaten with them, become friends with them met their spouse, your kids might play with their kids and so forth.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

barbados said:


> Two of my sister's both cheated with a boss / co-worker and both eventually divorced and married their AP's.
> 
> Had multiple ex-friends that had workplace affairs.
> 
> ...


Barb ~

My God, did these people ever work? :laugh:

VH


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

drifting on said:


> My wife had an EA/PA six month long affair with her coworker. I will say that workplace affairs are more difficult to catch in certain situations. In my case she used all work electronics for communication, nothing personal was used. There was no missing time, no working late, no going to work early. So how do you catch that?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The above is what concerns me as well. Like you said, workplace A's can be hard to find out if those involved play it cool.

So how did you eventually find out Drifting ?


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

VeryHurt said:


> Barb ~
> 
> My God, did these people ever work? :laugh:
> 
> VH


Apparently not ! LOL


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

Barbados I'm in the same boat as well. Cant prove it but i operate on the assumption there was an EA and it is over. (we are in counselling) 

Lots of red flags.-stopped texting me or replying to my texts, was working overtime and late, literally never one, mildly flirty texts to OW (5 texts 4 calls on average each day- while 0 to me) Lied about going to her house several times to help her with stuff, lied about her age, talking to her on the phone, deleted texts from her or denied getting them, she was winking at him be hind my back at a wedding…

What made you suspicious of your wife's relationship?
Sorry if this is a threadjack-


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Any one hear the saying " never shyt were you eat".......if you know what this means and yet so many threads here deal with co-workers it's amazing. Go figure?

I guess when one is getting enough strange outside the work place then why fish in that pool? At least that's been my experience with my FWW.

She did have a toxic co-worker that helped...like going out to bars and meeting guys...and introducing her to some very scary individuals.

But as far as I know and what she has told me, the guys at work like to brag and that was one place she didn't want to go. That and me going to company functions and meeting her at work just made it to close to home for FWW. She really kept her cheating very seperate from any other part of her other life. Even her closet friends were shocked when she started owning her shyt and telling them what she had been doing.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

barbados said:


> The above is what concerns me as well. Like you said, workplace A's can be hard to find out if those involved play it cool.
> 
> So how did you eventually find out Drifting ?




Over a two and a half year period her story changed, I kept hammering that one detail. In 2013 we went to a local hotel for a long weekend to celebrate our anniversary. We were returning to the hotel from shopping and as I went to get out of the car I noticed a car two spots over. Inside was a couple having sex, right there I felt like a mule kicked me in the gut. I knew from that moment on that she had cheated. I became very depressed, our anniversary was in April and by August I was getting scared. I asked my wife to find a MC, I was at this point beginning to want to die.

We began MC in August and as we went through I slowly made it to the point she had nothing left to lose. On January 20th of 2014 she confessed to her affair. The night before I had found she sent one email from her personal cell to OM. The email was deleted from everywhere but I found it in the spotlight search. The entire was "are you still enjoying". When my wife confessed I found the email was written back in January of 2011. Her affair was during lunch at work at a local forest preserve area. 

Knowing what I do now, thanks to TAM, I would do many things differently. The worst parts before she confessed, were the suspecting but finding nothing and her watching me self destruct and doing nothing to help. True, I hid my feelings of suicide, but I changed drastically from what I was.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

nursejackie said:


> Barbados I'm in the same boat as well. Cant prove it but i operate on the assumption there was an EA and it is over. (we are in counselling)
> 
> Lots of red flags.-stopped texting me or replying to my texts, was working overtime and late, literally never one, mildly flirty texts to OW (5 texts 4 calls on average each day- while 0 to me) Lied about going to her house several times to help her with stuff, lied about her age, talking to her on the phone, deleted texts from her or denied getting them, she was winking at him be hind my back at a wedding…
> 
> ...


She seemed to me to be talking more about him then other people she worked with back at the time (3 years ago). I confronted her about it pre-TAM (i.e., no proof, the wrong way) Then eventually she stopped talking about him at all (red flag) and when I confronted her about that she said it was because I always get mad if she mentions him. Also just a general gut feeling as well. Sucks.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

My wife's 1st affair was with her principal at the school she taught at. Had know idea who? but suspected someone, confronted (no proof, pre-TAM). We all know how that goes. This POSOM was nothing more than a pretty-boy divorced player. I know for fact, he was sleeping with 3 other married teachers at this same school. Half the faculty knew what was going on. They see the looks, the after school "meetings", the "I got to run up to school Sat for a few hours", the only 2 cars left in the parking lot... Never got a single never heads up for years on end.

I would of never know about POSOM principal if not for a single email years later to her last AP where by she admitted to having a sexual affair with her former Boss.


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

Schools are cesspools of infidelity-I went to an xmas party and sat there and looked around me and 3/4 of the people there were in an affair at that moment, had been in and A recently, or were a BS.

All those before and after school meetings, conferences, night classes, summer courses, lunches, staff parties….oh and now all our classrooms have locks on the doors- quite invitational….I have walked in on AP's in the library, in the office - everywhere.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

My husband's ho-worker would always manage to leave an item of hers in his car after "lunch". I'm not sure how many ho-workers he had but I know of 2 for sure. 

I met my now x-husband at work (we were both young and single), so I knew all the lines he was using on them. 

Now he's just getting old and probably comes off as a creepy pervert.


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

Ho-worker-love the term-my H has one of them!


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

nursejackie said:


> Ho-worker-love the term-my H has one of them!


Ho-Worker ...........PRICELESS !!!!!!!!!!!!! >


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

I NEVER thought my H could cheat on my in a million years. I used to joke that he didn't have the time! He worked VERY long hours & was furthering his education in the evenings. I sacrificed a lot for his career. Even moving to another continent leaving myself completely isolated! 

Turned out he was the usual cliche. His 'reasoning' was he spent so much more time with her than me. 

Years earlier I worked in a company where the top levels of management were all having affairs. The company was 'designed' for affairs. Lots of company 'jollies', nights away without partners ever invited. I viewed them as 'dirty old men' embarrassing themselves, hitting on anything with a pulse.
I vowed I would NEVER get married! It made me feel, as a young woman, that wives had no respect, they were jokes really. The wives were invited to the Christmas lunchtime party once a year. I'd watch the men avoiding their A partners...some seeking off for the 'high' of having sex in a bathroom stall while their wives were in the building. Classy! :crying:

Guess I'm the pathetic joke now & the love of my life is just another cliche dirty old man


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

BrokenLady said:


> I NEVER thought my H could cheat on my in a million years. I used to joke that he didn't have the time! He worked VERY long hours & was furthering his education in the evenings. I sacrificed a lot for his career. Even moving to another continent leaving myself completely isolated!
> 
> Turned out he was the usual cliche. His 'reasoning' was he spent so much more time with her than me.
> 
> ...




No, I don't think you're the pathetic joke now, I think that you are just in pain and disbelief that the person you married wasn't who you thought they were. You are disbelieving that your spouses boundaries, morals, and values were so weak. I see a person much like myself that asks why, but no answer given would ever suffice as to why. How you can give oneself away so insignificantly, how they can care so little for their spouse. Infidelity is so traumatizing, leaving you lost and humiliated, a pain that just overwhelms a person. Becoming yourself again is impossible, you have changed and change means you are rebuilding yourself and becoming familiar with the improved you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

Thank you but I truly don't feel "improved" right now. How far down to you have to fall before you start to climb back-up? How can anyone do this to someone who's loved them all of their adult life? Grown-up together? Had babies? Ugh!!! HATE this!


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Don't get yor meat where you get your bread. Now for full disclosure, my wife and I work at the same place, and let me tell you,it can be very difficult at times. On the good side, it may have kept me from packing my shhh. Stuff.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*First W had her affair with a company VP thirty years her senior as he gave her a promotion that she ultimately had to "pay for!"

My RSXW messed around simultaneously with two guys, unbeknownst to me, during our marriage: the best friend of her deceased first H, and one of her old high school flames who had turned into a physician! Both of them lived out of town where she "nailed them" on her many travels to their home Texas locales!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BrokenLady said:


> I NEVER thought my H could cheat on my in a million years. I used to joke that he didn't have the time! He worked VERY long hours & was furthering his education in the evenings. I sacrificed a lot for his career. Even moving to another continent leaving myself completely isolated!
> 
> Turned out he was the usual cliche. His 'reasoning' was he spent so much more time with her than me.
> 
> ...


You are not the joke. Pathetic or otherwise.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> You are not the joke. Pathetic or otherwise.


*Truth be told that in most all cases of marital infidelity, both the wayward spouse and their affair partner think that the respective one that they are busy cheating on is the one who is the veritable joke!

Isn't it absolutely grand when the darkness of their little clandestine affair finally hits the light of day?!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

BrokenLady said:


> Thank you but I truly don't feel "improved" right now. How far down to you have to fall before you start to climb back-up? How can anyone do this to someone who's loved them all of their adult life? Grown-up together? Had babies? Ugh!!! HATE this!




I have been with my wife 27 years total, married twenty. I thought I knew her inside and out. All of these years I bought her gifts she has returned less then five. I have bought her jewelry, clothing, knock knacks, whatever, everything was her size including rings. I was very in tune to her, and then this. Without looking at any of their clothes how many husbands know their wife's ring or clothing size? Styles? Colors? No, I knew everything!! I was stunned stupid when she finally admitted to the affair. 

In my opinion, I think that because I knew her so well, trusted her with anything, knew her for so many years, infidelity could never happen. And then it hits, did I make her too comfortable? Trust too much? Did I not meet her needs? Was I bad in bed? No, she was broken, I just happened to be married to her when she broke off the rails. Brokenlady, I'm sure the same thing happened to you, and like me, we couldn't prevent what happened at all. I firmly believe our spouses would have cheated to whomever they were married too. 

Falling, I have finally figured out, you will fall until you decide to fight. After I pulled the trigger on my weapon it hit me, nothing she does will determine whether or not I'll be happy. That comes from me. I had to search deep within myself, did I have what it will take to fight through this? Can I accept it? Can I be happy? Will I be happy? Can we reconcile? What do I honestly want? I had to answer for me, not the marriage, but me. That has brought me to where I am today. I like our chances so far, I seem to have made the right decision for me, and to me that's what matters most.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Spouse doesn't know the ragman.
> 
> But they might well know the co-worker. Have eaten with them, become friends with them met their spouse, your kids might play with their kids and so forth.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So , an affair with somebody you know is worse than an affair with a stranger? I don't see it. Personally, ANY affair with ANYBODY is bad, no matter who it is.
But let that be a lesson to all of you would-be cheaters out there. Have your fling with a stranger. I guess, it's somehow better or easier to discover, although how this is , isn't explained very well.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

OM1 and OM2 were both co-workers. Back then, I didn't know the signs to look for. With OM1, it was an EA so she talked about him a lot. They also spent a lot of time together, both during the day and after work. That's when I knew she was compromised.
With OM2, it was a PA so she rarely mentioned him at all, until much later when she tried to get me to be friends with him.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Rookie4 said:


> So , an affair with somebody you know is worse than an affair with a stranger? I don't see it. Personally, ANY affair with ANYBODY is bad, no matter who it is.
> But let that be a lesson to all of you would-be cheaters out there. Have your fling with a stranger. I guess, it's somehow better or easier to discover, although how this is , isn't explained very well.


Because they are BOTH betraying you. Your spouse and someone else you should have been able to trust.

And dial back on the misplaced sarcasm.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kc2 (Feb 13, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> Because they are BOTH betraying you. Your spouse and someone else you should have been able to trust.
> 
> And dial back on the misplaced sarcasm.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Exactly Matt... Mine was with his co-worker for an 8-9 yrs EA/PA. We had met up with her and husband on different occasions. He had us sit together at company holiday parties and other company social gatherings. Even other co-workers knew about them and watched the 'fun' of us, betrayed spouses, not knowing. He even had the audacity to reference her in conversations we had at home. 

Makes me ill that I thought she was a caring mom and had casual, pleasant conversations about my life with that adulterous mom. No, I wasn't 'friends' with her, but the betrayal goes to another level since I KNEW the OW and TALKED to her. Let's face it, the disgusting aspect rises a little bit due to their brazen approach compared to "secret" affairs with an arbitrary person. 

And no, obviously, I never knew what they were doing every day. I suspected things, but never had proof. I truly wish I had found TAM many years ago.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

kc2 said:


> Exactly Matt... Mine was with his co-worker for an 8-9 yrs EA/PA. We had met up with her and husband on different occasions. He had us sit together at company holiday parties and other company social gatherings. Even other co-workers knew about them and watched the 'fun' of us, betrayed spouses, not knowing. He even had the audacity to reference her in conversations we had at home.
> 
> Makes me ill that I thought she was a caring mom and had casual, pleasant conversations about my life with that adulterous mom. No, I wasn't 'friends' with her, but the betrayal goes to another level since I KNEW the OW and TALKED to her. Let's face it, the disgusting aspect rises a little bit due to their brazen approach compared to "secret" affairs with an arbitrary person.
> 
> And no, obviously, I never knew what they were doing every day.* I suspected things, but never had proof*. I truly wish I had found TAM many years ago.


I have / had my suspicions as well, kinda in the same boat with as you, but not as long a time period. Also no real proof here.

May I ask you what suspicions you have / had ?


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

barbados said:


> I have / had my suspicions as well, kinda in the same boat with as you, but not as long a time period. Also no real proof here.
> 
> May I ask you what suspicions you have / had ?




Are you suspecting your spouse to be having an affair? If you want pm me the details and maybe I can help you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kc2 (Feb 13, 2015)

barbados said:


> I have / had my suspicions as well, kinda in the same boat with as you, but not as long a time period. Also no real proof here.
> 
> May I ask you what suspicions you have / had ?


Hey there, Barbados... Well, my suspicions of his long term workplace adulterous affair based on how he treated me at home - lack of connecting with me, sex, companionship, and affection. (I always viewed him as LD. I'm pretty HD, so I really thought that was more MY problem than his, if that makes sense.) He would also be angry or indifferent toward me with no justification. I tried to focus on the positive things about our marriage, but my "gut" kept making me question. 

I can clearly see the other "flags" now, but that's because of hindsight. I decided it is easiest if I just make a list of my stupidity from which all can learn:
- He used to take his lunch to work, but started taking it in less often. (I didn't realize they were meeting for lunches)
- He wouldn't respond to texts during some lunch hours 
- He accidentally sent me some texts "out of the blue" in the middle of a conversation that were clearly meant for someone else 
- He would swear he told me something that he didn't (chances are he told Her and thought he told me)
- At company parties, he took an EXTRA long time going to the bathroom or getting us drinks 
- Credit card statements showed restaurant charges which were always explained as a group going for which he paid and people giving him cash
- He had his own Groupon account in which he purchased restaurant groupons for them to go to. He told me it was to surprise me with gifts and dates. 
- Some days he wouldn't hug me or kiss me when he came home from work (for fear of me smelling Her on him, I guess)
- He was protective of his work computer email
- He was uneasy about me talking to his co-workers alone
- He would stay up extra late to "do work" 
- He'd come home and take a shower some days (odd since he has a desk job)
- There were times he said things that made me think he talked to a woman in detail about it. (i.e. When it was discovered I had a tumor in 2013, I called & told him. He contacted me via text 2 1/2 hrs later and said, "Are you sure she said tumor and not a cyst?" Seemed odd that he contemplated it that long and questioned what I told him.)
- I found email exchanges as well as FB messages. There was nothing "alarming" about them, but I told him he shouldn't be 'friends' with other females at work. 

Those are just a few... I don't know if that helps with your suspicions. I'm really not the poster child for trusting my "gut instincts." lol Clearly, I trusted him & believed that he was living out the same vows I was.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Because they are BOTH betraying you. Your spouse and someone else you should have been able to trust.
> 
> And dial back on the misplaced sarcasm.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My sarcasm is n't misplaced. It is right on. The idea that a co-worker is somehow worse than a stranger, as an affair partner, is nonsense. It is the deceit of the spouse, not who the partner is, which makes an affair evil. This idea goes back to the old question about whether a ONS with a stranger is easier to forgive than an affair with somebody well known. Frankly, i would not think so and would forgive neither one. 
Also , what possible reason would I ever have to trust (or mistrust, for that matter) my wife's co-workers? Except for very specific events, we didn't socialize with each others co-workers, and I don't think that most people do. The co-worker that my ex wife had her affair with was unknown to me, and until she attempted to throw him under the bus, I wouldn't have known him from Hogan's goat.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Rookie4 said:


> Of course, OP, my question is.....what difference does it make if it is a co-worker or Joe Sh*t the rag man?


Prestige and influence/power.

contact time and a common interest and circle of friends.

often modern workplaces are places that have a positive feedback (rather than home life being the focus and retirement plan they were 50 years ago). affairs and being on your own are not so much of a massive financial and social risk any more. Many more woman are financial independent so can afford to chase who they want, and aren't expected to set up nest the same. Many men are ignorantly taking advantage of that outcome.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

kc2 said:


> - He used to take his lunch to work, but started taking it in less often. (I didn't realize they were meeting for lunches)
> - He wouldn't respond to texts during some lunch hours
> - He accidentally sent me some texts "out of the blue" in the middle of a conversation that were clearly meant for someone else
> - He would swear he told me something that he didn't (chances are he told Her and thought he told me)
> ...


Real "flags"

- He accidentally sent me some texts "out of the blue" in the middle of a conversation that were clearly meant for someone else 
- He would swear he told me something that he didn't (chances are he told Her and thought he told me)
- Credit card statements showed restaurant charges which were always explained as a group going for which he paid and people giving him cash
- He had his own Groupon account in which he purchased restaurant groupons for them to go to. He told me it was to surprise me with gifts and dates. 
- Some days he wouldn't hug me or kiss me when he came home from work (for fear of me smelling Her on him, I guess)
- He was protective of his work computer email
- He was uneasy about me talking to his co-workers alone
- He'd come home and take a shower some days (odd since he has a desk job)

----------- Those were the big flags


- At company parties, he took an EXTRA long time going to the bathroom or getting us drinks 

* this one could go either way. He might be talking to a coworker, or talking shop. If the other flags are there it becomes a flag.


- He would stay up extra late to "do work" 

* again this can go both ways, but is not a good sign as often it means the work is valued more than the partner. But not everyone gets to chose to go home on time, in many jobs there is a must see it through from the morning crowd, or "get the promotion pressure".
With other flags its the major flag (along with the "group restaruant thing"). Modern tills and Point of Sale systems do a good job of splitting restaurant bills these days.

-----
friends with other females. Sorry, welcome to the modern world, good chance half his coworkers will be female so it's important to interact with them....but professionally. Which is hard because for many the default mode is be friendly and flirt. And the default male mode is impress and try to catch attention. It's what both parties are biologically programmed by evolution to do - evolution didn't pick for us all to work in hives for our banking masters.

The lunch thing. often just laziness or being busy. especially if there's been a small increase in house income or drop in expenses.

Talking to a woman (or googling/foruming) is just smart, especially as the workplace and internet is full of women. Back when I started on the Internet the ratio was about 200 men to each woman. now with social media it's about 1.2 - 2 women per man.

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- Some days he wouldn't hug me or kiss me when he came home from work (for fear of me smelling Her on him, I guess)

It's not the smell. Generally its a personal space thing. It simply feels weird, like talking to someone and then realising they aren't actually the person you recognised/waving to a person across the street...and then realising it's a complete stranger. there's that moment of wrongness. Often that's followed up by a stab of guilt/need to hide things as one mask slips away so he becomes the person you see. Is that making sense?


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## kc2 (Feb 13, 2015)

spotthedeaddog said:


> ...
> 
> - He would stay up extra late to "do work"
> 
> ...


You make total sense on all points. It's also how I rationalized what he was doing. I have never been one to try to interfere with his work. I didn't question things as much as I should've, but I thought we were on the same team. I didn't realize I was "sleeping with the enemy". Even though the other things were absolutely major red flags, in the light of our marriage at the time, I just didn't see them that way.  

We could analyze things forever... Let's face it, workplace affairs are easy & convenient. It adds a level of excitement that just feeds the egos on both parts. In addition, compartmentalizing the work environment vs home, comes easy - especially for some men. In the end, people choose to either live with honor and respect or not. They choose to keep their vows or not. It's just a choice to act on anything, whether we call it a 'temptation', 'sin' or 'evolutionary need.' 

What I don't get, and what I will NEVER understand, are the WIVES/MOMS who get involved in adulteress affairs. I say that ONLY because I'm a woman & can relate to them more than a man's brain. Why in the heck would some mom want to be flirting & sleeping with someone else's husband when they KNOW, without a doubt, that if/when it comes out, it will break the hearts of their own children & husband as well as the OM's??? grr It will literally change their children's and their lives FOREVER. IT's so selfish and beyond my understanding. 

Just makes me sick that there are so many people out there willing to intentionally hurt the other human beings they claim to "love."


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## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

BetrayedDad said:


> My ex cheated on me with her married supervisor. He was a real loser and an alcoholic too but I guess the sneaking around and back stabbing excited her.
> 
> Till I dumped her ass....


Ditto. on all counts.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Rookie4 said:


> My sarcasm is n't misplaced. It is right on. The idea that a co-worker is somehow worse than a stranger, as an affair partner, is nonsense. It is the deceit of the spouse, not who the partner is, which makes an affair evil. This idea goes back to the old question about whether a ONS with a stranger is easier to forgive than an affair with somebody well known. Frankly, i would not think so and would forgive neither one.
> Also , what possible reason would I ever have to trust (or mistrust, for that matter) my wife's co-workers? Except for very specific events, we didn't socialize with each others co-workers, and I don't think that most people do. The co-worker that my ex wife had her affair with was unknown to me, and until she attempted to throw him under the bus, I wouldn't have known him from Hogan's goat.


It is not nonsense. This has been explained to you before. BUt I will try again.

If the co-worker is known to the BS, has "broken bread" with them, attended social events together, then to the minds of most people that is an increased level of betrayal as the AP is known to the loyal spouse, perhaps the loyal spouse thought the AP was a friend to him/her.


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## Imovedforthis (Dec 18, 2015)

This is my first reply, so I hope I do it correctly. 
This post is why I signed up to this forum.... I have suspicions of my husband and a co-worker having an affair. From what I know, it's been going on since June or July of this year. They work at a hospital together, that's all I will say on that to keep some privacy. But it seems that affairs are very high and common in the medical field. I'm so over it personally. I want to just leave/divorce but I'm a sahm and trying to get my "ducks in a row" so to speak before doing anything major. She is married as well and it just kills me to know that they can see each other on a daily basis. Way too easy and way too much for the mind games that go on in my head. I want to message her husband but am too scared to since I don't have any "solid" evidence and would hate to wreck havoc on another marriage if it wasn't true. I just have small clues and looking back at the past months, I can see where it all went south. I did find some text messages b/w them in August and have seen her outside our house once a couple months back. Of course I'm married to a serial denier, liar, bull****ter, you name it... hes got an excuse for it. My next step is to either contact her spouse or get a VAR and GPS and see if I can get more info.... 
anywho.. so yes I think affairs happen quite a LOT in workplaces. Pretty convenient if you ask me.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Imovedforthis said:


> This is my first reply, so I hope I do it correctly.
> This post is why I signed up to this forum.... I have suspicions of my husband and a co-worker having an affair. From what I know, it's been going on since June or July of this year. They work at a hospital together, that's all I will say on that to keep some privacy. But it seems that affairs are very high and common in the medical field. I'm so over it personally. I want to just leave/divorce but I'm a sahm and trying to get my "ducks in a row" so to speak before doing anything major. She is married as well and it just kills me to know that they can see each other on a daily basis. Way too easy and way too much for the mind games that go on in my head. I want to message her husband but am too scared to since I don't have any "solid" evidence and would hate to wreck havoc on another marriage if it wasn't true. I just have small clues and looking back at the past months, I can see where it all went south. I did find some text messages b/w them in August and have seen her outside our house once a couple months back. Of course I'm married to a serial denier, liar, bull****ter, you name it... hes got an excuse for it. My next step is to either contact her spouse or get a VAR and GPS and see if I can get more info....
> anywho.. so yes I think affairs happen quite a LOT in workplaces. Pretty convenient if you ask me.


The TAM member Weightlifter Is an expert in gathering evidence on unfaithful spouses. We will be here for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tpdallas (Aug 28, 2015)

When a company gives a work phone it is also a way to hide cheating.

You can't review the bills, the logs and messages can be deleted and you can't get into it if the company has good measures. 

Also the work email and calendar hides it.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> It is not nonsense. This has been explained to you before. BUt I will try again.
> 
> If the co-worker is known to the BS, has "broken bread" with them, attended social events together, then to the minds of most people that is an increased level of betrayal as the AP is known to the loyal spouse, perhaps the loyal spouse thought the AP was a friend to him/her.


 We are talking apples and oranges, Matt. I am talking about co-workers, and you are talking about co-workers , who also happen to be friends. Not necessarily the same thing. As per my example, I knew and socialized with very few of my ex wife's co-workers, and did not know the particular individual she had her affair with, at all. It was the same for her, she knew few of my co-workers.
Perhaps we were different than some of the other posters, but we always tried to keep our professional lives separate from our private lives.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Rookie4 said:


> We are talking apples and oranges, Matt. I am talking about co-workers, and you are talking about co-workers , who also happen to be friends. Not necessarily the same thing. As per my example, I knew and socialized with very few of my ex wife's co-workers, and did not know the particular individual she had her affair with, at all. It was the same for her, she knew few of my co-workers.
> Perhaps we were different than some of the other posters, but we always tried to keep our professional lives separate from our private lives.


I take your point. But sadly the majority of people on TAM who have reported co-worker affairs have specifically mentioned that they did know their spouse's Co worker AP. And in many cases very well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

She did - read my thread. It still bugs me after more than 2 and a half years. I'm much better now of course but I have never really got over it. I can't stand that the POSmongrel just got away clean and plays happy families with his compliant wife and ignorant children. Even though I squeezed a hell of a lot of info out of him it was never really satisfying. The pain lingers even when you are getting on with things. Triggers everywhere - at least I can deal with it now from a position of strength. My ex and that POS bas**rd remain condemned for the damage they have inflicted.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

spotthedeaddog said:


> Prestige and influence/power.
> 
> contact time and a common interest and circle of friends.
> 
> often modern workplaces are places that have a positive feedback (rather than home life being the focus and retirement plan they were 50 years ago). affairs and being on your own are not so much of a massive financial and social risk any more. Many more woman are financial independent so can afford to chase who they want, and aren't expected to set up nest the same. Many men are ignorantly taking advantage of that outcome.


Very interesting - having trawled through exWS's history the common thread, except in one case, was that she would cheat with men higher up the totem pole that the men she had chosen to settle down with. She did it to me with a senior manager type (complete D**k by the way) and with an investment banker with her previous husband. White collar for affairs, blue collar for home.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> I take your point. But sadly the majority of people on TAM who have reported co-worker affairs have specifically mentioned that they did know their spouse's Co worker AP. And in many cases very well.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think that you and others are crossing the line between co-worker and friend in this thread. Knowing your spouses co-workers by name or enough to identify them, is a far cry from intimate interaction. I would, for the sake of clarification, stick to co-workers, and start another thread about friends as affair partners. Two separate issues, in my opinion.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

It's hard to compete with an interested coworker. For one, as a spouse you only have limited time (nights and weekends) to interact with your W, the co-worker has 40+ hours a week to be around, getting in her head and ears (at least early on). And the damn cell phone! I truly believe that half of all workplace affairs wouldn't happen if we got rid of cell phones. They just make it too easy to keep something going in private, especially after other coworkers start to suspect/notice what's happening.
The industry my W was working in was very conducive to work place affairs. Eventually their time together included outside the office trips, events, promotions, etc, culminating in her spending her evenings at his apartment, plus time on the weekends "working". His share of her time to me was 90/10, and there is no way to compete with that, as if I should have to "compete" for time with my W.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

After her affair I became hyper vigilant whenever she mentioned co-workers. This was even happening early this year. She was singing the praise of some work colleague - you know, mentioning stuff about his life - odd bod father, pets etc. It was strange because I'm watching her talking and laughing about this colleague and the whole time I'm thinking that this was in a way some bizarre way for her to get it our there. She was trying to be up front and honest. And yet I couldn't help but think that this bloke, whoever he was, was another potential AP for her.

It made me reflect on similar commentary from years back. How I never really gave it much thought whenever she mentioned a male colleague. But earlier this year my antennas were right up. It was laid on a little thick and felt a bit bogus. I was noting the frequency with which she mentioned this individual. Each time I'd act a bit vague and say "who is this, what does he do?" etc. Acting disinterested but at the time extremely interested.

And yet, I do not recall her ever mentioning one thing about the rat she cheated with. Some interesting psychology going on with her. The need for male validation still primary.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

I have learned that (if your W is open to As), the male coworkers she talks about are the ones she either wants to or is having an EA with. The ones she never mentions (but you know she works closely with) are PA candidates.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

I think with a man ad a women work closely together and well together become very comfortable with each other. Then F-102 break down of how an EA kicks in. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/41508-emotional-affairs-sob-story.html. Then it goes to an PA. Suddenly they can really talk to someone and it is easy. They are close. But the relationship is purely situational and will fail when they are in the real world. 

I felt myself sliding into two EAs while married. For me I knew when I suddenly felt that reaching out and just holding her hand was the most natural thing in the world. I don't know if either women felt the same or would respond positiively if I had actually done so. In this I valued a my marriage vows (note vows not wife) and pulled back. In short I was living aware in this case. Too bad I stopped caring and living aware with exWS.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

My supv. and clerk typist and spouses were friends and attended church together and vacationed together. Until sup. Wife screwed clerks DPS trooper hubby while they were on vacation together. 

Clerk was very open and crying at times in the office. Made mention when she left her house on way to confront COW her hubby sent text to cow stating "she is on her way over there, we did not have sex"

Now neither adultrous spouse really ever come to the office.
Sup. wife used to be sweet slightly overweight(baby fat) sahm who took care of their mentally handicap daughter. Then she dropped the weight, bleached hair, started exercising and tanning. 

POSOM of course was tall Tx DPS Trooper. Supv. Could have got him fired or relocated but it would have hurt the clerk who worked under him.

My wife knew they were cheaters and never even met him. Said I bet my A-Z she has been doing this a while. Remember that funeral a few years ago where I met her, she was doing it then. My wife has a scary sense about being able to pick out cheaters and pedophiles even when seeing a photo of them or their behavior/stance with spouse in the photo.

She can read me like a book, I can't hide nothing. Its like she has esp. If I'm upset and soon as I walk in the door she is like what's wrong? I'm not acting different or nothing. Mentally were connected....we have the same thoughts at the same time.....its scary.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

2 of her 4 OM were co-workers.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

MAJDEATH said:


> 2 of her 4 OM were co-workers.


In my case, all three OW were his secretaries !!!


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