# Trying to heal



## floating (Oct 4, 2012)

Hi, this is my first post, you all have really helped me not feel so crazy, hoping for a little advice on moving on. 

My husband cheated 3 months ago while we were "separated" although we never agreed to see other people were supposed to be working on ourselves, he is a recovering addict and started sleeping with a girl he met in rehab because she "got him" like I didn't since I’m not an addict. To his defense we were not communicating at all. 

We have been in counseling, I have very much accepted my role in the breakdown of our marriage and we are trying to work things out. Overall our marriage has never been better, sex is best its been, we are communicating great. but here’s the thing...

He says he’s sorry for hurting me and would never cheat on me (he doesn't really feel what he did was an affair since we were not living in the same house or communicating) I of course feel it is still an affair and the pain is just as hard. We agreed to no contact which he says is fine, but now she is "suddenly" starting to show up at some of the AA meetings he goes to, he's been honest in telling me when he sees her and has even left some meetings when he saw her there, but he has also expressed that he needs to go to his meetings and he can't control if/when she goes to them. 

This is very hard for me to think of them in the same room expressing personal things, she is still actively pursuing him, has said she loves him and wants him back, he "nicely" told her he's back with his wife and its not going to happen. But it's driving me crazy. 

I feel I'm obsessed with her, I can't stop thinking about them being together or him seeing her places, and what could happen the next time she spills her heart, will this ever go away? Like I said over all we are doing well as long as I don't dwell or bring anything up so I keep it all inside and it's just killing me. 

Sorry this is so long. 

Thanks!


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

Is there another AA meeting he can atttend in your area?


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

floating said:


> Hi, this is my first post, you all have really helped me not feel so crazy, hoping for a little advice on moving on.
> 
> My husband cheated 3 months ago while we were "separated" although we never agreed to see other people were supposed to be working on ourselves, he is a recovering addict and started sleeping with a girl he met in rehab because she "got him" like I didn't since I’m not an addict. To his defense we were not communicating at all.
> 
> ...


I don't have any profound advice. I, too, am being stalked by a sticky OW as is my STBEH ( I filed) who now does not want anything to do with her. 

If you have nowhere else to vent, then vent here. 

Sorry you are here.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

dormant said:


> Is there another AA meeting he can atttend in your area?


That, and can you go with him and just sit in the back of the room?


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Floating, it's not long. Should see some of my posts. 

I'm sorry. I really am. My wife cheated on me while we were "separated" as well. The ONLY reason we separated was because i was needing time to ourselves and she was getting way involved with our volunteers at our haunted house we're doing this year. 

She admits it was cheating. Even tho we were living separately etc. I FEEL, that your man needs to own up to cheating. There's no excuse for doing what he did. YOU ARE MARRIED!!! not dating! There's a big difference, and even then I would've lost all respect for the man for sleeping with someone even if you were separated. You should BOTH agree to be done before sex with soemone else should come into play. 

... However, we're all human and our biggest problem, obsession, addiction etc is... SEX!. Everywehre you look, sex sex sex. Some don't feel that way, but look how big of an industry Porn is! 

It happens. There's a reason for it but now is the time to start reading what these folks have to say. Some are going to tell you "THAT"S IT, YOU SHOULD LEAVE" and others will be like "No, it happens to the best of us, you should work on your marriage before calling it quits" 

Me? I don't think infidelity spells divorce or end all ties / relationships. I think it CAN build structure in foundation for a future, stronger relationship. 

It'll be hard. My road seems short, but good gawd it's hammered me. I've not put my wife #1 and talked hateful to her sometimes and once in a great while I'll get super PO'd and punch a wall. That's still no excuse for an affair. What you should prepare for is more hurt and pain as this goes along. Seek more help here. There's tons of great advice and healing here. Just stick to this site and you'll even feel better posting. 

Good Luck and Take care of yourself. Investigate the 180 program. It can only help. 
PS> I may not have great advice, nor maybe should be giving any, I'm really only trying to be supportive and caring as others have been to me. Please feel free to vent here and ask questions and talk. 

Dewayne


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

I agree with dormant....there are plenty of AA meetings that he can switch to. Remind him that he is not supposed to get involved in a relationship while trying to get clean.


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## floating (Oct 4, 2012)

Yes there are...But he has a few that are like his "home" meetings, if your not in the program its hard to get, but you connect with a group of people and get comfortable going to certain meetings with people you know, they know you your story and you can relate (he goes 3-4 times per week)

When she showed up at the first meeting he said he would not go back and find a different one on that day, then she showed up at another one, same thing, so now he's like WTF do I have to find all new meetings? It makes me feel like I should just be OK with her being there, but at the same time I know she's doing it on purpose to see him.


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## floating (Oct 4, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> That, and can you go with him and just sit in the back of the room?


I would but they are "Closed" meetings so you can only go if you’re an alcoholic or addict)


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Are there other meetings in your area? There are generally quite a few choices and you can search online. I would not be comfortable with that at all.. especially since she is actively persuing him still. There are other ways for your H to work a recovery program and if he claims he's got to go to that particular meeting, I'd tag along personally. I actually did that just because I didn't trust my H overall.. went for over a year for that reason 

ETA: read your other responses.. then I would confront her personally to let her know you are his wife and she needs to stay away from your H... I'd sit in the parking lot of each meeting he goes to til she gets the idea


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

He should look for another meeting. Or tell her he is going to a different meeting, skip the normal one for a week or two and hope she stops showing up. 

Would also recommend dropping him off and picking him up. There are 2 benefits, one the car is not parked in the lot so the OW won't pick up on him being there if she does a drive by and; two, you get the peace of mind of knowing he went to the meeting and no where else.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

floating said:


> Yes there are...But he has a few that are like his "home" meetings, if your not in the program its hard to get, but you connect with a group of people and get comfortable going to certain meetings with people you know, they know you your story and you can relate (he goes 3-4 times per week)
> 
> When she showed up at the first meeting he said he would not go back and find a different one on that day, then she showed up at another one, same thing, so now he's like WTF do I have to find all new meetings? It makes me feel like I should just be OK with her being there, but at the same time I know she's doing it on purpose to see him.


Can you BOTH go to an attorney to have a no contact letter signed by both you and hubby sent to her. 

Once warned in such a way, you can then get a court ordered restraining order. 

Often they will say that she will be prosecuted for coming within a certain number of feet from him...500 or 1000.

They work. It worked in my case for the in person stuff, although she is still engaging in stealth phone tactics.


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## floating (Oct 4, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> Can you BOTH go to an attorney to have a no contact letter signed by both you and hubby sent to her.
> 
> Once warned in such a way, you can then get a court ordered restraining order.
> 
> ...


He would never do that, to him she is just a sick broken girl who was hurt by all this too...he wont even admit she is showing up just to see him, maybe I'm just being paranoid but she NEVER went to these meetings before, he has been going to them weekly for 2 months now and all of a sudden she's showing up at several? hmmm hard for me to believe in coincidences anymore.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

floating said:


> He would never do that, to him she is just a sick broken girl who was hurt by all this too...he wont even admit she is showing up just to see him, maybe I'm just being paranoid but she NEVER went to these meetings before, he has been going to them weekly for 2 months now and all of a sudden she's showing up at several? hmmm hard for me to believe in coincidences anymore.


Insist on it. 

Ask a counselor to assist in facilitating his cooperation.

Stalkers can be dangerous, and this women is a stalker. 

The OW in my case stalked my spouse and stalked me early in the relationship unbeknownst to me. It was creepy to find out she had been watching me and even once stopped me to ask me a question before I knew about the affair.

You and your family can be in danger. 

Please google stalker personalities and show it to him. 

If he is not concerned, see the attorney yourself and send it without his signature.

If he refuses, something is not right.


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## floating (Oct 4, 2012)

Acoa said:


> He should look for another meeting. Or tell her he is going to a different meeting, skip the normal one for a week or two and hope she stops showing up.
> 
> Would also recommend dropping him off and picking him up. There are 2 benefits, one the car is not parked in the lot so the OW won't pick up on him being there if she does a drive by and; two, you get the peace of mind of knowing he went to the meeting and no where else.


I actually have thought of this idea, but it makes me feel so...IDK crazy, desperate, stalkerish. I want to just trust him, and he thinks I Should trust him. He keeps saying if I didn't want to be here I wouldn't, if I wanted to be with her I would be. Most of our agruments now are about me not trusting him, it all comes back to him not really thinking he "cheated" saying he would never cheat on me (other then being seperated of course). I've already had to hear about the short leash I keep him on.


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## floating (Oct 4, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> Insist on it.
> 
> Ask a counselor to assist in facilitating his cooperation.
> 
> ...


I'm totally googling stalker personalities right now


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

floating said:


> Hi, this is my first post, you all have really helped me not feel so crazy, hoping for a little advice on moving on.
> 
> My husband cheated 3 months ago while we were "separated" although we never agreed to see other people were supposed to be working on ourselves, he is a recovering addict and started sleeping with a girl he met in rehab because she "got him" like I didn't since I’m not an addict. To his defense we were not communicating at all.
> 
> ...


*It is simple just tell your husband to change AA groups. Hopefully the OW want follow him. If she does follow him let the person in charge know about this issues. You don't need to stop him from going. He need the support from AA meetings.*


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