# 2 months in, wife pregnant, talk of divorce



## dusgfmo

My wife (25) and I (27) got married on June 22. I have known her since 2006 and "known of her" since 2004 or 2005. We were friends for a long time. We began dating in March 2012 and I proposed December 2012.

We are just over two months into marriage. She is 9 weeks pregnant. 

We moved 64 miles (1 hr, 18 min) away from her parents, which is the first time she's lived out of her parent's house. She started teaching 1st grade here, which is her first year of teaching after college, and I'm a manager at a local general merchandise/discount department store with a company that I've worked for since I was in high school and through college.

She says she doesn't like the town or the school. She refuses to try new churches here, or even drive to churches of her own denomination (United Pentecostal Church) in surrounding towns. She sits on the couch, refreshes her Facebook News Feed and waits for text messages to come in. All weekends that I work and even most weekends that I haven't worked, she has gone back to her parents to spend the night and go to church with them. I ended up going alone to the local Christian Church (Disciples of Christ) church, which is closely related to my own United Church of Christ background that isn't available in this area. 

In the past week or so she has started saying that she's taking the baby and moving back home, she's going to buy out her school contact here, and I had better be ready to pay child support.

Can we save this? I don't want to be the type of dad who isn't around. I thought the distance from family was a fair, good distance. I think it would be good for her to become settled and feel confidently independent.


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## tom67

So she was on facebook all the time? Find out if there is someone else in the picture. I would tell her good luck in collecting it. Get an annulment and have the court get a paternity test. What do her parents say?


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## tom67

Tell her to get an abortion time to play hardball.


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## dusgfmo

tom67 said:


> So she was on facebook all the time? Find out if there is someone else in the picture. I would tell her good luck in collecting it. Get an annulment and have the court get a paternity test. What do her parents say?


I'm pretty sure she'd never cheat. She is just lonely and waiting to hear from her family.


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## tom67

Don't beg her that will just push her further away. Sorry you are going through this early in the marriage.


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## Maneo

Sounds like too many changes all at once for her. Pregnancy can put a woman on an emotional roller coaster. Get some professional counseling to try to calm things down.


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## soulseer

Maneo said:


> Sounds like too many changes all at once for her. Pregnancy can put a woman on an emotional roller coaster. Get some professional counseling to try to calm things down.


I would say this too. Talking about and strategizing plans to move closer to home might be the simplest solution.

Sure the money might not be as good closer to her parents. However what would you give to save yr marriage and how much would divorce cost financially and emotionally?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc

She sounds very immature, does she realize she's now married. You guys are not even that far away from her parents. My advice don't move closer to her family, I had adjustment problems myself and this is the worst thing you can do. You will end up as an attachment to her family instead of a married couple with a baby. I would also ask she to move back and not let her spend the night anywhere until you guys resolve the issue. Make sure there is no one else in her home town, just check. Look at her Facebook, emails and phone text and records to make sure. It's not normal to be asking for divorce two months in and pregnant. Look for mc if you need to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc

Thought about this a bit more, if she is so religious why is she wanting to divorce so soon over nothing really? Also can you ask your church to start a mission in your town? That would solve the religion problem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral

Talk to your pastor back home. Surely he can talk to her.


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## death and taxes

You married a kid when you really thought you married a mature 25 year old woman. She is not grown up. She has lived with her parents her whole life and then started living with you. She sounds like she's scared to death and unable to cope with moving away and being confronted with adulthood.

Can you save it? That's a hard question to answer. Do you want to be married to a woman who's first inclination when confronted with life is to run home to her parents? I'm sorry about your situation.


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## MissFroggie

It sounds like she loves you so much she thought she could handle so much change all at once. She sounds depressed and lonely. She was used to living with family, being near her friends, not having to be a wife and the pregnancy could be making her anxious and fearful of the future.

Talk to her, be kind and show her you are the husband she needs. It sounds like she just needs reassurance that she has support and hasn't left everything that gave her security only to be on her own. The worst thing you can do is let it irritate you or put more pressure on her. Make every effort to comfort and reassure her - pregnancy alone is a huge step. She obviously wants this to work or she wouldn't come back after her nights with her parents - she just wants a little bit of familiarity. She has had a lot of change all at once. She's do it less and less as she settles in to her new life, please be patient with her x


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## soulseer

mablenc said:


> She sounds very immature, does she realize she's now married. You guys are not even that far away from her parents. My advice don't move closer to her family, I had adjustment problems myself and this is the worst thing you can do. You will end up as an attachment to her family instead of a married couple with a baby.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I moved my wife away from her family so I could work and support my family. 

14 years later I wish I could have arranged to live slightly closer to my wifes family (40mins drive) for my wifes sake .My wife was very close to her mother who passed away 3yrs ago. I deprived them both of each other and has come up as an issue in arguments

At the same time it IS very important to be your own family rather than an extension to either parents family.

It isn't normal/stable to be angling for divorce in the circumstances OP described especially so soon after wedding.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soulseer

MissFroggie said:


> It sounds like she loves you so much she thought she could handle so much change all at once. She sounds depressed and lonely. She was used to living with family, being near her friends, not having to be a wife and the pregnancy could be making her anxious and fearful of the future.
> 
> Talk to her, be kind and show her you are the husband she needs. It sounds like she just needs reassurance that she has support and hasn't left everything that gave her security only to be on her own. The worst thing you can do is let it irritate you or put more pressure on her. Make every effort to comfort and reassure her - pregnancy alone is a huge step. She obviously wants this to work or she wouldn't come back after her nights with her parents - she just wants a little bit of familiarity. She has had a lot of change all at once. She's do it less and less as she settles in to her new life, please be patient with her x


Sound advice^
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc

soulseer said:


> I moved my wife away from her family so I could work and support my family.
> 
> 14 years later I wish I could have arranged to live slightly closer to my wifes family (40mins drive) for my wifes sake .My wife was very close to her mother who passed away 3yrs ago. I deprived them both of each other and has come up as an issue in arguments
> 
> At the same time it IS very important to be your own family rather than an extension to either parents family.
> 
> It isn't normal/stable to be angling for divorce in the circumstances OP described especially so soon after wedding.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think they are very close distance wise 1 hour and 18 mins. We moved away for the benefit of our marriage we are 28 hours driving distance 4 hour plane. This helped my marriage, yeah I do wish we were closer but you also have to do what's best work wise too. 

It is way too soon to consider divorce, which is a shame.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LonelyinLove

Wow, does she sound immature.


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## whowouldhavethought

Talk to her parents. Maybe they will tell her she cannot come home.

WWHT


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## synthetic

MissFroggie said:


> It sounds like she loves you so much she thought she could handle so much change all at once. She sounds depressed and lonely. She was used to living with family, being near her friends, not having to be a wife and the pregnancy could be making her anxious and fearful of the future.
> 
> Talk to her, be kind and show her you are the husband she needs. It sounds like she just needs reassurance that she has support and hasn't left everything that gave her security only to be on her own. The worst thing you can do is let it irritate you or put more pressure on her. Make every effort to comfort and reassure her - pregnancy alone is a huge step. She obviously wants this to work or she wouldn't come back after her nights with her parents - she just wants a little bit of familiarity. She has had a lot of change all at once. She's do it less and less as she settles in to her new life, please be patient with her x


You're kidding MissFroggie right?!

She moved 60 miles away! It's literally a one hour drive. People in big cities spend more time than that stuck in traffic everyday!

How is her moving 60 miles away with her husband a sign of 'love', but her insane reaction in leaving her spouse, threatening divorce and child-support completely justified?!

I'd say she's a selfish child with abandonment issues and definitely does not 'love' her husband enough to make the slightest sacrifice of staying a one hour drive away from daddy's house. I can't believe she's actually receiving sympathy here 

Her facebook addiction is also a possible 'escape affair' flag. There has been a lot of cases like this. She's found support in her hometown and is heading back. That support cannot be just her parents as they would likely encourage her to stay with her husband. It's most likely toxic friends and possibly other male(s) involved.

It's important to not reward this kind of behavior with kindness and love. An immature girl like her will abuse it and make matters much worse. She needs to realize the seriousness of her actions. Pregnancy and depression cannot be excuses. They can certainly be considered into the type of consequence she faces for her betrayal, but not used as justification.

An annulment should be sought after by the original poster. This woman needs to wake up and realize that she could end up totally screwed after giving birth to a child that by all signs she doesn't even really want.


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## mablenc

synthetic said:


> You're kidding MissFroggie right?!
> 
> She moved 60 miles away! It's literally a one hour drive. People in big cities spend more time than that stuck in traffic everyday!
> 
> How is her moving 60 miles away with her husband a sign of 'love', but her insane reaction in leaving her spouse, threatening divorce and child-support completely justified?!
> 
> I'd say she's a selfish child with abandonment issues and definitely does not 'love' her husband enough to make the slightest sacrifice of staying a one hour drive away from daddy's house. I can't believe she's actually receiving sympathy here
> 
> Her facebook addiction is also a possible 'escape affair' flag. There has been a lot of cases like this. She's found support in her hometown and is heading back. That support cannot be just her parents as they would likely encourage her to stay with her husband. It's most likely toxic friends and possibly other male(s) involved.
> 
> It's important to not reward this kind of behavior with kindness and love. An immature girl like her will abuse it and make matters much worse. She needs to realize the seriousness of her actions. Pregnancy and depression cannot be excuses. They can certainly be considered into the type of consequence she faces for her betrayal, but not used as justification.
> 
> An annulment should be sought after by the original poster. This woman needs to wake up and realize that she could end up totally screwed after giving birth to a child that by all signs she doesn't even really want.


But it's a whole hour!! No, I agree with you that's commute time for many. I think something else is wrong. She's not even that young, she either and some issues or there is someone esle and she has buyers remorse. Two months into my marriage I was over the moon and so happy and optimistic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MissFroggie

I think it is premature to be suggesting she is having an affair. Jumping to the most negative conclusions without substantiating them can ruin a marriage before it has begun. I don't think it is healthy to assume the worst.

For some people it may seem like very immature behaviour, but that is not taking into account what her life was like before she got married. Anyone taken out of their comfort zone is going to need to time to adjust. She was used to seeing her family all the time and when you are pregnant you feel vulnerable in a way you can not anticipate. Perhaps the posters here suggesting the worst are all much better at dealing with change, but she is obviously finding it hard. I do think that being in a depressed state is a valid reason for someone's behaviour to change for a while as they work through it. I think that helping her adjust and giving her support and reassurance may be all she really needs.

Dismissing the situation by saying she is just immature does not help the relationship. It's not just insulting to her, but also to the OP because he chose to marry her. If the OP loves her and wants to work through the issues that have come up I think suggesting his wife is lacking in maturity, possibly having affairs and has toxic friends, is a very unhelpful way to look at it. She is vulnerable right now and out of her comfort zone, be the man she needs by nurturing and reassuring her - don't even listen to unsubstantiated criticism and assumptions. We all have different elements that make up our comfort zone. It doesn't matter whether everyone else would be comfortable with the changes she has had, the only thing that matters is your wife is not in her comfort zone...yet! It will come as she realises she is not as isolated as she fears x


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## Rottdad42

To the OP, your wife has a lot going on emotionally. From ending her college days, which is huge, then moving away from family for the first time, is also huge and lastly being preggers. All theses thing put together can create quite a roller coaster of emotions. The problem is or isn't her age. This leads to inexperience dealing with these things. You have to have a healthy outlet, followed by some advise which leads to wisdom. When I was this age, I already did my time in the military, owned a house and was well on my way into a lucrative career. I was also 3000 miles from home. I loved it. I was pushed out of the nest and survived thanks to my parents and the will to succeed. She needs to channel that emotional energy into something constructive. When she talks of divorce and all that facebook time, I think something else is brewing. Being young doesn't mean inexperience it just means you don't have all the answers. Therefore you look for the answers to help with conflict and use a proactive approach with healthy ways of coping. This is the only way this will have a happy ending, for the most part. Good luck.


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## cdbaker

Gosh, so much involved here. On one hand, it is a lot of change for her to go through. Married, pregnant, new career, moving to a new town, AND separating from her parents for the first time... it's a LOT to deal with in a very short period of time. Since you are the catalyst for all of it, it could be easy for someone (especially someone with maturity issues) to simply blame you for it all, to believe that you are uniquely the reason she is struggling. (Meaning you specifically, but a different man would be totally different, in her mind)

So I can see why she would struggle with it all. But wow that seems like a lot of immaturity at play. Won't trying to cancel her contract really hurt her career? I mean, you just don't hear about school teachers quitting a month or so into the school year. I would have to imagine that will make it harder for her to get another teaching job. Then her seemingly signing up for single motherhood is pretty extreme, and then threatening you with the child support issue so quickly... I gotta ask, is there more to this story?

Like, does she have any complaints about you? Like what would she tell a counselor if the counselor asked her, "Why do you want to divorce your husband?" Because simply saying, "Well I want to move back home to my home town 75 minutes away, quit my teaching job, and spend more time with my parents." isn't really a reason to divorce. I mean, from your post it sounds like this all came out of the blue, like she never actually told you that she wanted to move back home, that she wanted to quit her job, etc. If she did, how did you respond to those expressions? Does she have any other negative things to say about you? Do you drink to much, are you lazy at home, do you not listen to her, are you abusive, etc.?

I would have thought that her family and friends would discourage her from this move, unless there is something worse at play in your behavior/treatment of her.

And yes, you should look into her cell phone records, facebook history if you can, etc. Make sure there is no one else.


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## tom67

cdbaker said:


> Gosh, so much involved here. On one hand, it is a lot of change for her to go through. Married, pregnant, new career, moving to a new town, AND separating from her parents for the first time... it's a LOT to deal with in a very short period of time. Since you are the catalyst for all of it, it could be easy for someone (especially someone with maturity issues) to simply blame you for it all, to believe that you are uniquely the reason she is struggling. (Meaning you specifically, but a different man would be totally different, in her mind)
> 
> So I can see why she would struggle with it all. But wow that seems like a lot of immaturity at play. Won't trying to cancel her contract really hurt her career? I mean, you just don't hear about school teachers quitting a month or so into the school year. I would have to imagine that will make it harder for her to get another teaching job. Then her seemingly signing up for single motherhood is pretty extreme, and then threatening you with the child support issue so quickly... I gotta ask, is there more to this story?
> 
> Like, does she have any complaints about you? Like what would she tell a counselor if the counselor asked her, "Why do you want to divorce your husband?" Because simply saying, "Well I want to move back home to my home town 75 minutes away, quit my teaching job, and spend more time with my parents." isn't really a reason to divorce. I mean, from your post it sounds like this all came out of the blue, like she never actually told you that she wanted to move back home, that she wanted to quit her job, etc. If she did, how did you respond to those expressions? Does she have any other negative things to say about you? Do you drink to much, are you lazy at home, do you not listen to her, are you abusive, etc.?
> 
> I would have thought that her family and friends would discourage her from this move, unless there is something worse at play in your behavior/treatment of her.
> 
> And yes, you should look into her cell phone records, facebook history if you can, etc. Make sure there is no one else.


Yea there has to be something more imo:scratchhead:


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## dusgfmo

She came home last night. I talked to her and she feels like she has no idea what she's doing with her students and is afraid she's going to be in trouble with the school. That makes her want to give up on teaching all together. I told her she needs to come up with a plan and discuss it with the principal, so they can see that she's trying and can help her adjust. That made her feel better and she has starting working on that. She even sent me a text message a few minutes ago that she feels better about school.

The other issue is missing out on her church down there (Pentecostal) and not "getting filled with the holy ghost", which leaves her depressed when she doesn't have it for a while. I don't totally understand the psychological aspect of it all, since I'm a traditional mainline Protestant (United Church of Christ, Congregational). She's also upset because I won't join (but am willing to visit) her type of church, even though her sister-in-law is slowly converting (hair, skirts, no makeup, etc.). I'd prefer we find our own religious path as a couple. When we have tried other churches together, she doesn't want me to say anything around her parents, so instead she says that we, and I, don't go to church at all.

Her brother and his wife have also had issues with him breaking away from his parents, and they live in the same town. His wife often wishes they could move away.


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## synthetic

Again it's definitely a matter of immaturity and bad parenting. Your wife does not think like a 25 year old. She's more like a teenager. 

Make sure you don't reward her bad behavior. The whole church thing is absolutely ridiculous and an obvious sign of internal conflict (lack of confidence, guilt, shame and abusive parenting).

Due to the pregnancy, you have no choice but to be easier on her than you would've been otherwise. She needs to mature up and become a wife and a mother. Right now, she's being a spoiled child. Not good.


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## cdbaker

Sounds like some progress.

One quick suggestion, make sure that you take off your male oriented "Mr. Fix-it hat" when you are talking with your wife, especially when she is expressing her struggles and concerns with you. Remember, women don't want your help all the time and especially in that moment, she probably doesn't want you just responding with how to "solve" her problem. She wants you to listen, your understanding, and your empathy. She wants to feel that you understand what she is feeling. The way that you said above, "I told her she needs to come up with a plan and... blah blah blah" makes it sound like you jumped right into Mr. Fix-it mode. Maybe she felt better about it, but still it is best to bide your time and wait for her to seek your help/advice first. Again, just a tip.

So it sounds like work has really been stressing her out, and it's great that she expressed that to you. Let her know that you understand that and you want to support her as much as she needs. If that means giving her time/space in the evening to prepare for the next day, maybe even helping to jump in with her planning, etc. Or maybe just as simple as making her favorite dinner on nights when she appears stressed.

As far as the church thing, I think there needs to be some compromise. What do you think about committing to driving back to her church with her every other Sunday, followed by a pleasant lunch with her family before driving home? 75 minutes or so isn't too far for that to work out. Then perhaps the other Sundays she would be willing to test out some other churches in the area? I think in this respect, it is ok to be a leader and offer to make a plan that she can be happy with. Naturally she desires for you to be a leader in your marriage, just do so with her best interest at heart. Look to her father for a good example of what she will respect, and then maybe adapt some of his better qualities to your style?


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## mablenc

Will you guys get shunned for breaking from the church? ( then there's a whole lot of things you need to prepare for)

She needs to come to the idea that you are now her family, she is no longer a daughter at home she is a wife. I would suggest MC.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dusgfmo

I don't think we'd be shunned for leaving her parents' church. Her dad did tell me before we got married that she'd never leave their church, but at the time she told me that wasn't the case and that he was just being a control freak. We got married at my old United Church of Christ with her United Pentecostal pastor performing the ceremony.

I have seen her dad say very mean things to my wife (I'm ashamed of you, etc.), upsetting her, and then turn very nice. She goes and sits on his lap and hugs him, etc. In her family the parents and grandparents seem to thrive on the affection of their kids, from babies on up to my wife. He is also terribly verbally mean to his wife, with name calling. He is a "pastor" in their church (no real qualifications), but not THE pastor. He is also the police chief in their small town of just over 4,000.

Things have been calmer this week but she continues to talk about giving up on teaching, breaking the contract, and moving back. She says she loves me but I am ok without her, while she isn't ok without her family and they miss her. She is the first in her family with a bachelors degree and so she feels some distance because of her education makes her different. Her parents got married when they were 16 and 18, with her mom dropping out of high school at the time. Her brother and sister-in-law got married at 18 and 19. I think she is struggling with breaking away from old patterns of life. She always felt like she was behind for not being married or having kids. In my family, I'm a little early for both.

I try to listen to her concerns about school and sometimes help her talk through the issues. The school is having her go sit in on some other classes next week to help her, but when they came to talk to her she text me that she was just going to quit. 

I'll be quite honest, I don't feel like raising a child with this family. I don't want to be an absent father either, but it seems like it might be easier to disassociate, pay child support, and not be a part of raising a kid if I have to raise it with those values. I know that's a terrible thought to have and isn't how I'd like things.


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## 6301

I know I'll get in trouble for this and I am in no way knocking anyone's beliefs but what kind of church is this? It sounds like a semi cult. 

I know someone who belongs to a church that is not your main stream type of church and to me it has such a grip on the family that some of the things they say are ridiculous to the point that they preach what they here and do the opposite. One family member protests that her family member living with another person is a one way ticket to hell but it's ok your that person to be living with someone else and makes the claim that her boyfriend sleeps on the couch...............for the last five years. Yeah right. 

Kind of reminds me of a song that was made in the 60's. The first protest song called "Eve Of Destruction" by Barry McGuire. The last sentence in the last verse say's it all. "Hate your next door neighbor but don't forget to say grace".


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## dusgfmo

Look up UPCI. They seem to have themselves cornered in their theology, to where nobody else is right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maneo

dusgfmo said:


> I don't think we'd be shunned for leaving her parents' church. Her dad did tell me before we got married that she'd never leave their church, but at the time she told me that wasn't the case and that he was just being a control freak. We got married at my old United Church of Christ with her United Pentecostal pastor performing the ceremony.
> 
> I have seen her dad say very mean things to my wife (I'm ashamed of you, etc.), upsetting her, and then turn very nice. She goes and sits on his lap and hugs him, etc. In her family the parents and grandparents seem to thrive on the affection of their kids, from babies on up to my wife. He is also terribly verbally mean to his wife, with name calling. He is a "pastor" in their church (no real qualifications), but not THE pastor. He is also the police chief in their small town of just over 4,000.
> 
> Things have been calmer this week but she continues to talk about giving up on teaching, breaking the contract, and moving back. She says she loves me but I am ok without her, while she isn't ok without her family and they miss her. She is the first in her family with a bachelors degree and so she feels some distance because of her education makes her different. Her parents got married when they were 16 and 18, with her mom dropping out of high school at the time. Her brother and sister-in-law got married at 18 and 19. I think she is struggling with breaking away from old patterns of life. She always felt like she was behind for not being married or having kids. In my family, I'm a little early for both.
> 
> I try to listen to her concerns about school and sometimes help her talk through the issues. The school is having her go sit in on some other classes next week to help her, but when they came to talk to her she text me that she was just going to quit.
> 
> I'll be quite honest, I don't feel like raising a child with this family. I don't want to be an absent father either, but it seems like it might be easier to disassociate, pay child support, and not be a part of raising a kid if I have to raise it with those values. I know that's a terrible thought to have and isn't how I'd like things.


Both of you need to take a deep breath and slow down. You are married now with another human being on the way. This is the long game, not a high school or college romance that you move on from when the going gets tough.

forget the shoulda, coulda, woulda scenarios here. Need to deal with the situation as it is now. Newly married couples often go through a rocky time at first, adjusting to all the changes. Sounds to me like you are both running on emotionally charged thinking rather than more rational, calmer, adult decision making.

Your wife is probably doing better than she thinks she is with her first teaching job. Jumping ship now will likely adversely affect her future job prospects. She needs to let her more experienced co-workers and supervisor(s) guide and mentor her.

The in-laws sound like they have some interesting family dynamics going on to say the least and, based on what you've shared, that is a charitable assessment. Whether you and the wife stay together or not, the child the two of you have conceived is going to be raised with this family in the background one way or the other. You have created a kid. You have responsibilities to see that child raised in a positive way. This is not the time to be jumping ship pal. This is the time to man up and face your responsibilities. Do you think the kid is going to be raised better if you bail and your wife and her family have the majority influence on the kid's life?

Religion is clearly important in your wife's life. There is not a single church in the place you now live that may be a place for her (and you) to find the support you need?

If you let your wife's assumption that you can live just fine without her go unchallenged, you are confirming her feelings of inadequacy and uncertainty. When she says those sorts of things, you need to set the record straight. Or do you somehow think she is right?

Your degrees of freedom to act narrowed when you married and narrowed more when she became pregnant. You are both in the adult world now. Start behaving like it.


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## dusgfmo

She did stay home all weekend. I worked, but we rented movies Friday night. She still talks to her family and uses her phone constantly, but it was nice to have her around. She just seems very uninterested in life here, so I think she may be depressed. 
Her parents did tell her that they'd rather our marriage not fail, but that she can go back home when she's done with the school year or even get out of her contract sooner. I'm still hoping this all works out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dusgfmo

The school hasn't let her teach her own class in 2 weeks. She was just allowed to sit in and help. They ask her to resign today. I guess her last day is tomorrow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dusgfmo

Friday was her last day of teaching. She had her stuff packed in her car and headed straight to her parents. She is still there and plans to stay at least through next weekend. She is talking about coming to get her stuff, but still isn't sure. I feel so empty and dead inside.


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## dusgfmo

Any advice?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67

Sounds like she has checked out. Kind of strange the way she is acting. I guess she is leaving you no choice but to get an annulment. Being close to the parents is fine but mid 20s and wanting to move back in with them while being newly married? I don't get it.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

Your SIL is sorry they live so close and she's been married into the family for YEARS! Don't expect it to be any different than it is.

Sitting on parents' and grandparents' laps is indicative that they still regard your wife and her siblings as CHILDREN. They will NEVER be allowed to 'grow up' as long as your FIL (probably less so your MIL) is alive and running things.

YOU will never be able to effect change in your wife's relationship with her parents; only SHE can do that, and it sounds like they've squelched any maturity and autonomy in her.

I'd suggest you cut your losses; what you see is what you're gonna get for the next 40 years. Demand a paternity test (even though you're convinced it's your child) and pay your child support. Please *try* to be there for your child (vacations, Skype, etc.) as YOU may well be the ONLY VOICE OF SANITY in his/her life for years to come!

Good luck.


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## Shaggy

It's almost as if she is suffering from culture shock or loss of beng controlled/dominated by her father.


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## justonelife

Shaggy said:


> It's almost as if she is suffering from culture shock or loss of beng controlled/dominated by her father.


I'm wondering the same thing. I normally wouldn't advocate this but perhaps the OP needs to take a very strong position with this wife. Maybe that's the only thing to which she can or will respond. She seems very lost. People who are very religious let their church, church elders and parents guide all of their decisions. Maybe she has no idea how to be an adult, making adult decisions. Perhaps she needs her husband to step up and firmly say "this is what we are going to do, period." Lay out a very specific plan and make it clear that there will be no discussion or arguing about the plan. :scratchhead:

It sure as hell wouldn't work for me but maybe with this woman?


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## Anon Pink

Sure wish you could mention the name of this town, with this "pasture" also serving as town police chief, control freak and a man with totally inappropriate boundaries! I would hate to have this cop investigating any incest allegations!

Sounds like you need to become the bigger man and out rank her daddy. Tell her to get off her fathers lap, it's not appropriate for your wife to sit on the lap of another man!

She has never had to make friends before, so here she is, in dire need for friendly support and she has no understanding of how to go about it.

Everything right now is so out of her comfort zone she is running scared. Be strong and put your foot down.

and tell me the name of this town so I can be sure to avoid it!


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## Anon Pink

Go get her! Tell her she is coming home with her husband where she belongs. Tell her she's gonna find some other job, hopefully working similar hours to yours. Tell her she WILL spend time in various churches learning to make new friends. Tell her parents their role, as promised during the ceremony, is to support and assit this marriage and they need to encourage her to stick it out, make new friends, learn new skills, and rely on her husband.

BE the MAN! Don't wring your hands, don't allow her weird family to calm the shots. She has been raised to respect authority, use that to your advantage until you can get her to a reputable deprogramer!


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## dusgfmo

I really don't think her father is sexually or physically abusive. The kids just never got the chance to grow up. 
She says I can move to her town and that's it. She wants to teach there next year and use her parents, grandma, and SIL as daycare. 
She was also raped and abused by her boyfriend as a teen, from 15 or 16 to her freshman year in college. He was 2 or 3 years older and her mom was ready to marry her off to him. He was from their type of church, so her parents trusted him. She avoided dating and really expanding for 3-4 years because of that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tron

dusgfmo said:


> I really don't think her father is sexually or physically abusive. The kids just never got the chance to grow up.
> She says I can move to her town and that's it. She wants to teach there next year and use her parents, grandma, and SIL as daycare.
> She was also raped and abused by her boyfriend as a teen, from 15 or 16 to her freshman year in college. He was 2 or 3 years older and her mom was ready to marry her off to him. He was from their type of church, so her parents trusted him. She avoided dating and really expanding for 3-4 years because of that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Did she ever prosecute the guy? 

Has she had any IC for the rape and abuse? 

Keep in mind that the rape, the abuse, and the betrayal by her mom and dad will stick with her for a long time. Especially if she doesn't go to counseling. 

I hope you realize these things will continue to impact her ability to trust and be intimate with you. Dealing with it and getting past it is a long and painful process. IMO it won't be possible without IC. Are you up for that?


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## death and taxes

dusgfmo said:


> I really don't think her father is sexually or physically abusive. The kids just never got the chance to grow up.
> She says I can move to her town and that's it. She wants to teach there next year and use her parents, grandma, and SIL as daycare.
> She was also raped and abused by her boyfriend as a teen, from 15 or 16 to her freshman year in college. He was 2 or 3 years older and her mom was ready to marry her off to him. He was from their type of church, so her parents trusted him. She avoided dating and really expanding for 3-4 years because of that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It almost sounds like she's stuck at the emotional age of 15. That would explain a lot, ie moving back home, to her parents, away from her HUSBAND. What a mess. Sorry man.

Can you move to be with her to her town? Is that logistically possible?


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## Tron

death and taxes said:


> It almost sounds like she's stuck at the emotional age of 15. That would explain a lot, ie moving back home, to her parents, away from her HUSBAND. What a mess. Sorry man.


:iagree:


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## mablenc

are you sure shes not cheating. seems very odd.


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## Darkflower

Wait a minute--is this woman responsible to her family first, or to God as revealed through scripture?

Genesis 2:24
King James Version (KJV)

24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

Proverbs 31:10-30
King James Version (KJV)

10 Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.

*11 The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.*

*12 She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.*

13 She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands.

14 She is like the merchants' ships; she bringeth her food from afar.

15 She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens.

16 She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard.

*17 She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms.*

18 She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night.

19 She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff.

20 She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy.

21 She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet.

22 She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple.

23 Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land.

24 She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant.

*25 Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.*

*26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.*

*27 She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.*

28 Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.

29 Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.

*30 Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised.*


I'm not even a Christian, and it seems to me that she's not doing her job!

Time for her to grow up! 

Why are you not asserting your authority? How can she just *tell you* what she's going to do with your marriage and your child? How can you allow it?


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## dusgfmo

No chance of cheating. She has been sick with the pregnancy, but I want the chance to help take care of things. I also know that I've been grumpy, even angry, about losing her job and not letting go of her parents. That may have driven her away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## synthetic

dusgfmo said:


> No chance of cheating. She has been sick with the pregnancy, but I want the chance to help take care of things. I also know that I've been grumpy, even angry, about losing her job and not letting go of her parents. That may have driven her away.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You'll be right back here wondering why you didn't take the advice given to you. That's not a prediction. That's already written in your near future. You're not handling this right.

As I said earlier, her childish behavior cannot be rewarded. Go ahead, reward her and see what happens.


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## dusgfmo

Tron said:


> Did she ever prosecute the guy?
> 
> Has she had any IC for the rape and abuse?
> 
> Keep in mind that the rape, the abuse, and the betrayal by her mom and dad will stick with her for a long time. Especially if she doesn't go to counseling.
> 
> I hope you realize these things will continue to impact her ability to trust and be intimate with you. Dealing with it and getting past it is a long and painful process. IMO it won't be possible without IC. Are you up for that?


She was going to counseling for depression, anxiety disorder, and OCD during the last year of the abusive relationship and right after, but never talked about the sexually abusive boyfriend.

She told her parents what happened, the day she finally told the boy that she was breaking up with him. He had won her parents over. Her mom planned on them getting married soon after high school and they had felt bad for him, because he came from a rough, abusive family with foster kids.... even though they were from the same type of church. My wife's mom married her dad when she was 16 or 17 and he was 18, so pushing her for young marriage seemed normal to her. My wife had tried to break up with him before, and then her mom had discouraged her. Her dad is from a little better off background and wanted college for my wife, so he wasn't as supportive of their potential marriage, but had taken her abusive boyfriend under his wing doing "dad" things with him, like shooting.  My wife never even wanted to date this guy and wasn't attracted to him, right from the beginning at age 15. Everyone else just seemed to see it as ideal. The boy's parents were going to let them live in a trailer in their yard!!! My wife's life would have been very different.

My wife's parents didn't want to turn it into the law because they said she would be publicly made out to be a *****. So, she never really got to talk about it. Her parents were just very upset with the guy. My wife has said that she's over all over it and that she's dealt with it on her own.


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## dusgfmo

synthetic said:


> You'll be right back here wondering why you didn't take the advice given to you. That's not a prediction. That's already written in your near future. You're not handling this right.
> 
> As I said earlier, her childish behavior cannot be rewarded. Go ahead, reward her and see what happens.


So, how do I deal with this? How do I not reward her? Demanding her back here does no good. I've tried being nice and I've tried being demanding on different days. Neither works.


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## Unique Username

This weekend you drive to her parents home. You load the car with her things.
And you bring your wife and unborn baby back home with you.

When you get there talk man to man with her Father (who gave her to you in the wedding ceremony 2+ months ago) First talk with her Father. Explain she is your wife and is coming home with you and as the Spiritual Head of His own househld he must respect YOUR household and you as the "captain" of it.


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## Unique Username

You screwed up letting her fail at the teaching position.
If she is a teacher, then she has been taught how to create curriculum. She also had to have Student taught for at least a semester in a real school setting so saw first hand how it is done.
She could have used the curriculum from the teacher she replaced.
SHOWING your boss you don't know what you're doing and having zero confidence is a really big no no. 

What makes her think she will be any more successful in her old home town teaching? 

Any chance of her substitute teaching or somehow getting back in to the school she just left? 

This is a thing you'll have to learn as a parent too......you can't just let your kids (or wife) give up at the first sign of difficulty/anxiousness in tasks/hobbies/jobs/chores. 

Find a NEW church that will become YOUR family's church.
Find one that embraces you both. She is bible literalist fundamentalist christian.....so anything that isn't pentacostal she will have to adapt.

How do you want your child to be raised? Find a church where there are a lot of young families. She might enjoy one of those that have the Big Screen TVS and lots and lots of social and church community activities.
I mean even Baptists have more conservative fundamentalist congregations. 
Perhaps each Sunday morning you try a new church WITH AN OPEN MIND and see what feels right?
If nothing else then you've been to church to worship and met some nice people along the way to finding the church you like.


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## dusgfmo

Unique Username said:


> You screwed up letting her fail at the teaching position.
> If she is a teacher, then she has been taught how to create curriculum. She also had to have Student taught for at least a semester in a real school setting so saw first hand how it is done.
> She could have used the curriculum from the teacher she replaced.
> SHOWING your boss you don't know what you're doing and having zero confidence is a really big no no.
> 
> What makes her think she will be any more successful in her old home town teaching?
> 
> Any chance of her substitute teaching or somehow getting back in to the school she just left?
> 
> This is a thing you'll have to learn as a parent too......you can't just let your kids (or wife) give up at the first sign of difficulty/anxiousness in tasks/hobbies/jobs/chores.
> 
> Find a NEW church that will become YOUR family's church.
> Find one that embraces you both. She is bible literalist fundamentalist christian.....so anything that isn't pentacostal she will have to adapt.
> 
> How do you want your child to be raised? Find a church where there are a lot of young families. She might enjoy one of those that have the Big Screen TVS and lots and lots of social and church community activities.
> I mean even Baptists have more conservative fundamentalist congregations.
> Perhaps each Sunday morning you try a new church WITH AN OPEN MIND and see what feels right?
> If nothing else then you've been to church to worship and met some nice people along the way to finding the church you like.


She student taught in her home town and thinks that she still has enough "ins" there. She says she likes their curriculum better. She says the curriculum here is the same curriculum she didn't like in college when she had to visit some more urban and suburban schools. I wish I could somehow know what actually happened at the school here. She wanted to quit long before they asked her to resign, so did she intentionally take things in that direction?

One things to consider in this picture is that her hometown has a population of 4,575. It is 33.1 miles or 39 minutes from a city with 160,000 people. It is also 39 miles or 39 minutes from a city with 50,000 people. It is 177 miles or 2 hr 35 minutes from a major city with 465,000 people, with a larger surrounding metro of over 2 million.

Where we live now has a population of 3,593 and is 75.6 miles or 1 hr 22 minutes from the same city of 150,000. It is 78.8 miles or 1 hr 16 minutes from the city with 50,000 people. It is 112 miles or 1 hr 46 minutes to the large 465k/2m metro city. She hasn't said, but maybe her issue is it's an even more rural school, even though her hometown is also definitely rural.

I've been willing to move from my liberal Protestant roots in the United Church of Christ to try something more conservative. While I'm on my own, I've been going to the Christian Church (Disciples of Christ), but I'm willing to try Southern Baptists, Missionary Baptists, Free Will Baptists, Bible Baptists, Church of the Nazarene, Wesleyan Community Church, and Church of God (Holiness). I'd even try Assemblies of God as they seem to be a more mainstream Pentecostal group, although I'm still very unsure of that.


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## justonelife

Unique Username said:


> This weekend you drive to her parents home. You load the car with her things.
> And you bring your wife and unborn baby back home with you.
> 
> When you get there talk man to man with her Father (who gave her to you in the wedding ceremony 2+ months ago) First talk with her Father. Explain she is your wife and is coming home with you and as the Spiritual Head of His own househld he must respect YOUR household and you as the "captain" of it.


Are you willing to do this?


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## justonelife

Also, does anyone else think it's a little odd that this woman and her family are so conservatively fundamentalist Christian and yet so willing to let her divorce her husband and raise her child as a single parent? I'm not religious so correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't they pretty against that sort of thing? It doesn't add up to me.


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## death and taxes

justonelife said:


> Also, does anyone else think it's a little odd that this woman and her family are so conservatively fundamentalist Christian and yet so willing to let her divorce her husband and raise her child as a single parent? I'm not religious so correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't they pretty against that sort of thing? It doesn't add up to me.


And you really think those people have a lot of consistency? Meh. She's a scared little girl running home to mommy and daddy. Period. She quit when her job got hard. She's quitting when life is getting hard. She's quitting her marriage. That's what kids do. They ****ing quit. Time for OP to either man the **** up and take control of his life or call it quits. 

OP - you need to learn how to be assertive. You're gonna need a whole lot of assertiveness when you meet up with your wife and her family. Read up on how to be assertive. It should help.


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## Unique Username

Unique Username said:


> This weekend you drive to her parents home. You load the car with her things.
> And you bring your wife and unborn baby back home with you.
> 
> When you get there talk man to man with her Father (who gave her to you in the wedding ceremony 2+ months ago) First talk with her Father. Explain she is your wife and is coming home with you and as the Spiritual Head of His own househld he must respect YOUR household and you as the "captain" of it.



If you don't do this....you are doomed. This is the time to "Man" up and take control of your Family and how you want your happy lives to be. 

ACTION - calm, commanding of respect (not demanding)
Assert in your mind what you WILL accomplish and why, rationally. Just do it.

Wishy-washiness will get you Nowhere.


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## Anon Pink

dusgfmo said:


> My wife has said that she's over all over it and that she's dealt with it on her own.


Not a chance!

Dude, you have a seriously screwed up woman as a wife. I mean seriously! She has no coping skills at all. Your wife is going to be screwed up for a long time, it will affect her parenting and your sex life, if you ever get her back that is.

She's going to run and pout whenever things aren't working for her. She's not going to see how her own behavior contributes to bad job performance reviews, she isn't going to see that sometimes life is really hard but you keep your focus and keep moving, she's going to quit everything anytime things get rough. Therapy won't fix things cause therapy is hard, so she won't work it and it won't do anything. In another 10 years she may be mature enough to start dealing with her life...if she can get away from her parents.

Are you sure you don't want to take this out while you have the chance?


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## Unique Username

It really doesn't matter what her reasons are for trying to quit.

(the job, the marriage, being a grown-up adult pregnant woman about to incubate another whole human being which will be ultimately, overwhelmingly and completely dependent upon YOU and HER)

Trying to figure out why this and why that is getting you exactly where? Also, hormones (estrogen) are pumping visciously through her body and HCG so she's going to perhaps be moody as her body changes. And ya know what we've been doing this for eons right?!
She can make it. She has to be strong MATRIARCH of her (your) household. Talk to her as the Mother of your family. YOU don't want to miss out on any of this. And she doesn't want to miss having you involved in it. In shock a little. Sure. 
But you have to teach her behavior modification......it is what you decide to DO to fix/change/make better whatever it is that is distressing you.

Makes no difference to me about cities and their proximity to other cities and the populations. Whatever. It IS the 21st century.
You have vehicles. You can visit your people. YOURS and hers.
Talk to your Dad - perhaps he has some words of wisdom.

Got a Grandpa? Happily married to his wife of 40+ years? Bet he has some great advice on how you can "Man" up.

Serious good luck to you.

IF your baby is your boy - start NOW showing him how a Father, Dad and Spiritual Leader of his Family should act/be.


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## Unique Username

I doubt very seriously if she, her parents, the church or OP
would go the abortion or adoption route dude

Hence why I am offering constructive criticism and suggestions.

imho


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## dusgfmo

I'm beginning to talk to my family some about it. I don't want to say too much, and cause them to disrespect her. I have a grandma left on one side and a grandpa left on the other. They're 90 and 89. One set was married for almost 67 years and the other for 58 years. Our wedding was on their 67th anniversary and my grandpa died the day before our wedding at age 94.
My parents were awful parents, as my dad has been an alcoholic for his entire adult life, but they have been married since 1970.

This weekend my wife's parents are going to a UPC denominational conference in St. Louis, and are taking her with them. They are planning on taking her to a new exhibit at the St. Louis Zoo. I don't understand how she can do that when she's so sick she can't come home to me. I'm hurting, angry, and confused all at the same time.



Unique Username said:


> It really doesn't matter what her reasons are for trying to quit.
> 
> (the job, the marriage, being a grown-up adult pregnant woman about to incubate another whole human being which will be ultimately, overwhelmingly and completely dependent upon YOU and HER)
> 
> Trying to figure out why this and why that is getting you exactly where? Also, hormones (estrogen) are pumping visciously through her body and HCG so she's going to perhaps be moody as her body changes. And ya know what we've been doing this for eons right?!
> She can make it. She has to be strong MATRIARCH of her (your) household. Talk to her as the Mother of your family. YOU don't want to miss out on any of this. And she doesn't want to miss having you involved in it. In shock a little. Sure.
> But you have to teach her behavior modification......it is what you decide to DO to fix/change/make better whatever it is that is distressing you.
> 
> Makes no difference to me about cities and their proximity to other cities and the populations. Whatever. It IS the 21st century.
> You have vehicles. You can visit your people. YOURS and hers.
> Talk to your Dad - perhaps he has some words of wisdom.
> 
> Got a Grandpa? Happily married to his wife of 40+ years? Bet he has some great advice on how you can "Man" up.
> 
> Serious good luck to you.
> 
> IF your baby is your boy - start NOW showing him how a Father, Dad and Spiritual Leader of his Family should act/be.


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## Unique Username

I have the same answer for you

Man Up

If you feel it is confusing or doesn't seem right...um, you are correct.

So why are you NOT going with your wife to this thing for the weekend?
You think NOT being with her and around showing your "support" is the right choice?
The conservative conference - you'll have LOTS of folks in YOUR corner...you are trying (no, you INTEND) to honor your vows.

In-action is your enemy.


Well then your own parents aren't good examples. It shall be your decision to live your life differently. The way you want it to be. Again - you have to actually MAKE A DECISION and follow through. 
Hard to show someone else to do this if you don't.


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## dusgfmo

I work, at least on Saturday. Otherwise, I'd be there in a heartbeat. I was off today and went down to her parents. She and her SIL had gone off shopping for a few baby things and bras.


Unique Username said:


> I have the same answer for you
> 
> Man Up
> 
> If you feel it is confusing or doesn't seem right...um, you are correct.
> 
> So why are you NOT going with your wife to this thing for the weekend?
> You think NOT being with her and around showing your "support" is the right choice?
> 
> In-action is your enemy.


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## Unique Username

Well I can lead a horse to water but I can't make them drink.

SO after work you drive to St Louis (bible belt capital of the world..lol) and you spend the evening with her and Sunday.

Or, if you don't want to be married or a Daddy...then just complain about things and not find solutions.

(I'm being rough because I think you need a swift kick in the pants dude. You KNOW what you should do. Do it)

Use her Dad and Brother (married to the shopping SIL) get them on your side. YOUR WIFE. YOUR BABY. YOUR MARRIAGE.
These people stood in church and vowed to help do what they could to nurture your marriage right?!.....read the vows....use scripture in your verbal illustration to them. If they love you and see you as the Father of their daughter/sister's child and her husband...maybe you can have them help work WITH you.

Good luck. I'll send healing vibes your way.

Have YOU prayed for guidance from your higher power to aide in your reconciliation with your wife?


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## dusgfmo

I do appreciate everyone here's advice. I'm going to grab this by the horns.


Unique Username said:


> Well I can lead a horse to water but I can't make them drink.
> 
> SO after work you drive to St Louis (bible belt capital of the world..lol) and you spend the evening with her and Sunday.
> 
> Or, if you don't want to be married or a Daddy...then just complain about things and not find solutions.
> 
> (I'm being rough because I think you need a swift kick in the pants dude. You KNOW what you should do. Do it)
> 
> Use her Dad and Brother (married to the shopping SIL) get them on your side. YOUR WIFE. YOUR BABY. YOUR MARRIAGE.
> These people stood in church and vowed to help do what they could to nurture your marriage right?!.....read the vows....use scripture in your verbal illustration to them. If they love you and see you as the Father of their daughter/sister's child and her husband...maybe you can have them help work WITH you.
> 
> Good luck. I'll send healing vibes your way.
> 
> Have YOU prayed for guidance from your higher power to aide in your reconciliation with your wife?


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## dusgfmo

On Friday her parents, brother, sister-in-law, and their child went to St. Louis. My wife stayed at her parents' house. She intended on having her grandma spend the night with her at her parents house. (She has only spent a few nights alone in her life. The first time was last year when her parents went on vacation by themselves for a week.)

She had some pain and sickness from her pregnancy. She called her OB doctor near where we live and she said to go to the emergency room. So, she went to the emergency room with her grandma in the city close to where her family lives. I got off work at 6 and met them there. The ER couldn't find anything unusual. My wife is changing doctors to that hospital system and is going to deliver there, since they have more resources than the small town hospital she originally intended to use here.

We got back to her parents house around 12:30 and spent the night there. Her grandma decided to go on home since I was there.

I had to work the next day so had to come back home. My wife's parents got back on Saturday. It's Sunday night and she's still there. She says she's not ready and is too sick to come home.


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## mablenc

Ok, why are you still allowing this to happen? I'd put my foot down and say you either come home or we get an annulment.

Period, did she get coerced into marring you? Does she know what a marraige is? Who in the right mind does this. Why are her parents letting her do this?

She's not normal at all, you need to toughen up you are letting the craziest person call the shots.

By the way, are you sure she's pregnate? Spoken to a doctor, heard the heart beat?


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## dusgfmo

She says she's coming back once she gets her Medicaid paperwork completed, which she has to finish with the office she started it with there. 
I've heard the heartbeat and we saw the ultrasound on Friday night at the hospital.
It's frustrating, since she was able to go to church this morning with her family.



mablenc said:


> Ok, why are you still allowing this to happen? I'd put my foot down and say you either come home or we get an annulment.
> 
> Period, did she get coerced into marring you? Does she know what a marraige is? Who in the right mind does this. Why are her parents letting her do this?
> 
> She's not normal at all, you need to toughen up you are letting the craziest person call the shots.
> 
> By the way, are you sure she's pregnate? Spoken to a doctor, heard the heart beat?


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## mablenc

Have you thought about individual counseling for you? This is a lot for anyone to go through.


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## mablenc

Have you read No more mr nice guy? 

You can google the PDF version for free.


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## dusgfmo

I don't feel like I need individual counseling. I think when she gets back, maybe we should go as a couple. 
I've started to look at lawyers, just in case. I hate to think of the expense to even talk to one.


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## mablenc

dusgfmo said:


> I don't feel like I need individual counseling. I think when she gets back, maybe we should go as a couple.
> I've started to look at lawyers, just in case. I hate to think of the expense to even talk to one.


I would suggest an annulment, you may be able to file it yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angelpixie

Several people are assuming that if the OP goes to his FIL and BIL and quotes scripture to them, asking them man-to-man to support him as his wife's husband and head of his own family, that they will do it. The FIL is an abuser. He thrives on controlling others, especially his own family. He obviously has not allowed his own son to break away and form his own family, even though he's also married. The Bible is very patriarchal (*understatement*), but is obviously interpreted differently by different people and also ignored when it is convenient. There's really no reason to believe that this man will suddenly change and allow his _daughter_, a woman, out of his sphere. The way they treated her with the previous boyfriend should illustrate that they do not really have her best interests at heart. The family is really akin to a cult, with Daddy as the leader. Out Daddy-ing Daddy might help, but the OP really has to own it and believe it. If he's unsure, or wishy-washy, it won't work. 

And he will have to see that she will be like someone being taken away from a cult. It's not just the family, it's not just the church, it's the very potent combination of both. It exponentially stronger than each one separately. 

If he can still get a foot in the door so to speak, with his wife, that she will 'cling' to him, as the Bible says, then he will have to be there for her. Due to his own background, I'd really recommend counseling with someone who has dealt with children of abuse or people who grew up in very controlling environments. It will take special actions to help someone who really was never taught basic behaviors and coping mechanisms that people in healthy families take for granted. They can be learned, but it is work, and it requires commitment. 

As a mother myself, and as someone who grew up in a very dysfunctional home with heavy religious issues, I'd appeal to her feelings of fear and helplessness in handling life, and ask if she wants to perpetuate this for another generation. Or does she, with your help as her partner and co-parent, want to give your child a better chance at a healthy life?


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## angelpixie

To the OP: Is your wife happy when she's at home? (not just more comfortable, or less stressed) Or is it that she's just in an environment where at least she knows what she's going to get, bad or good? When one feels scared and overwhelmed, it can be comforting to have others take care of things and make your decisions for you. But it doesn't really mean one is happy. That may be another thing to ask her about.


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## dusgfmo

It looks as if annulment is very difficult in my state.


mablenc said:


> I would suggest an annulment, you may be able to file it yourself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dusgfmo

I feel like they have the outward traits of a happy family, especially as they were growing up. Now as adults, they seem to struggle more. 



angelpixie said:


> Several people are assuming that if the OP goes to his FIL and BIL and quotes scripture to them, asking them man-to-man to support him as his wife's husband and head of his own family, that they will do it. The FIL is an abuser. He thrives on controlling others, especially his own family. He obviously has not allowed his own son to break away and form his own family, even though he's also married. The Bible is very patriarchal (*understatement*), but is obviously interpreted differently by different people and also ignored when it is convenient. There's really no reason to believe that this man will suddenly change and allow his _daughter_, a woman, out of his sphere. The way they treated her with the previous boyfriend should illustrate that they do not really have her best interests at heart. The family is really akin to a cult, with Daddy as the leader. Out Daddy-ing Daddy might help, but the OP really has to own it and believe it. If he's unsure, or wishy-washy, it won't work.
> 
> And he will have to see that she will be like someone being taken away from a cult. It's not just the family, it's not just the church, it's the very potent combination of both. It exponentially stronger than each one separately.
> 
> If he can still get a foot in the door so to speak, with his wife, that she will 'cling' to him, as the Bible says, then he will have to be there for her. Due to his own background, I'd really recommend counseling with someone who has dealt with children of abuse or people who grew up in very controlling environments. It will take special actions to help someone who really was never taught basic behaviors and coping mechanisms that people in healthy families take for granted. They can be learned, but it is work, and it requires commitment.
> 
> As a mother myself, and as someone who grew up in a very dysfunctional home with heavy religious issues, I'd appeal to her feelings of fear and helplessness in handling life, and ask if she wants to perpetuate this for another generation. Or does she, with your help as her partner and co-parent, want to give your child a better chance at a healthy life?


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## PBear

dusgfmo said:


> It looks as if annulment is very difficult in my state.


An annulment seems more difficult to get than a lot of posters in here think. There's very specific reasons that an annulment is allowed, like bigamy, getting married while not being able to consent (under age, drunk, etc). Not getting along, even when only married for 2 months, isn't one of them, most likely. 

C


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## angelpixie

Especially with a child on the way -- showing the marriage was consummated. (A reason for annulment in some churches, not sure if it's a reason for a legal annulment, too)


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## LongWalk

Maybe she thinks you are too much like friends and not lovers

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## dusgfmo

I wanted to give the people here an update.
We are still together and things have been going smoother. She does still go to her parents to spend nights there, but she doesn't go for as long or as often. Part of it is that she doesn't like driving at night, especially on the windy, hilly, 2 lane roads between towns.

As for the job situation, she has been unemployed since the end of September. She has been able to substitute teach about 5 days at a private school near our house. She has also interviewed for a job with a Head Start, 23 miles from the town where we live. That town is also our closest bet for her getting back on as teacher next year, since she doesn't really want to go back into the school here where she was at.
I try to keep the mood light and not worry too much. We pay all of our necessary bills and do our best on the student loans.

The baby is due in April and we have been slowly buying what we need for her, like a car seat and crib.


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## Anon Pink

I just don't now what to say....

You were raised by alcoholics, you need therapy. You are an enabler and a Nice Guy. Your wife was raped and then coddled by her strange abusive father. What she NEEDS is a dominant husband. What she NEEDS are clear boundaries. What you're giving her is placating sales job. 

You seem like such a nice man who really ants this marriage to work, I hope you keep reading here and learn some boundaries. Your wife is going to sabotage your marriage unless you can be the authority figure she needs.


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## dusgfmo

I just wanted to post an update. The baby came in March and was healthy. Things have been going better. My wife goes home much less often and can go longer without them calling. 
She has started teaching at the private school here where we live. We didn't even end up moving back to her hometown! I still have my job. She has even been able to go to the Christian Church (Disciples of Christ) alone on Sundays when I'm working and has gotten to know people there. The baby is able to go to the daycare next to my wife's school. She has just started to roll!


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## Voltaire2013

dusgfmo said:


> I just wanted to post an update. The baby came in March and was healthy. Things have been going better. My wife goes home much less often and can go longer without them calling.
> She has started teaching at the private school here where we live. We didn't even end up moving back to her hometown! I still have my job. She has even been able to go to the Christian Church (Disciples of Christ) alone on Sundays when I'm working and has gotten to know people there. The baby is able to go to the daycare next to my wife's school. She has just started to roll!


OP,

Great update! Have you or your spouse had any counseling to address the root issues? Reason I ask is because the issues on both sides of the street need to be addressed before they rear their ugly heads again later, be the best you for your spouse and child and demand the same from her. I highly suggest No More Mister Nice Guy, it was an eye opener for me and in suspect will help you as well. This place is full of brilliant advice for a wonderful marriage and fulfilling life, listen well to what the other smarter posters say, they learned from experience. 

I wish you all the best,
V(13)


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