# I'm not sure how to proceed with my 21 year marriage...



## NoJoBo (Jul 22, 2018)

I appreciate all of the feedback. Godspeed.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Start with working on yourself. Eat better and exercise. Check into getting your teeth fixed.


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## NoJoBo (Jul 22, 2018)

Duly noted... I should have known though. It's always about looks. Screw the fact that I've been a good wife to him otherwise. OK. Will do. Thanks for the feedback.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

After reading your other post and seeing here that he cheated on you before you were married, it's totally understandable that you don't trust him. I think he very possibly is a serial cheater. If he is he will be developing a bad image of you in his head to validate why he is cheating on you to himself. This will begin to manifest in poor treatment of you. Stay vigilant and get his passwords for his FB.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

It's not about looks but how you carry yourself. It shows that you respect yourself as a person. You mentioned that you are depressed too-- Did you know that healthy eating and daily exercise can help with depression? And perhaps when you are taking care of yourself your husband will take note.

Your husband needs to take care of his depression as well. If he is not willing to help himself with at least counseling then I'm afraid all you can do is to take care of yourself. Continue to support him and maybe one day he'll open-up. Until then, work on you..


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## NoJoBo (Jul 22, 2018)

cc48kel said:


> It's not about looks but how you carry yourself. It shows that you respect yourself as a person. You mentioned that you are depressed too-- Did you know that healthy eating and daily exercise can help with depression? And perhaps when you are taking care of yourself your husband will take note.


Take note... Hmm. He took note when I had a great body and personality... Had all my teeth and an amazing smile... Did everything he wanted in bed... Sometimes, 7, 8 times a day... I never told him no. Put up with all his crap. Had his back, etc... He _still _cheated on me. Being fat and ugly is not a justification for cheating on your spouse. Being skinny and pretty and a great person isn't a guarantee that your spouse will be faithful. I do appreciate your feedback, I really do. And I'm not justifying my appearance, I'm just not gonna fat shame myself. When you truly love someone, you find a way to forgive them and that's what I did before we got married. But there's only so much I'm going to put up with. Yes taking care of myself shows I respect myself. So is refusing to be treated like a doormat. Fo r the past few months, I've been eating right and exercising. I'm doing something about my appearance. I'm trying. I treat him very well. I'm faithful to him. I support him in all his dreams. I listen to him. I have his back. If that's not enough for him, I'll help him pack. That's all. Forgive me if this comes across as defensive, I'm just fed up. As I'm typing this, I think I just need to be alone. Marriage is no longer for me. I don't want to conform or have to always try to figure out what _I'm_ doing wrong because someone else is not acting right or keeping their vows. I'm tired of guessing. I'm tired of trying to figure it out. I'm tired of feeling like I'm being punished when I ask questions to try to get clarification. At this point, it doesn't even matter whether or not he's cheating or what his problem is. I'm done. Thank you all for your feedback, it actually assisted in helping me come to a decision.


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## NoJoBo (Jul 22, 2018)

Rubix Cubed said:


> After reading your other post and seeing here that he cheated on you before you were married, it's totally understandable that you don't trust him. I think he very possibly is a serial cheater. If he is he will be developing a bad image of you in his head to validate why he is cheating on you to himself. This will begin to manifest in poor treatment of you. Stay vigilant and get his passwords for his FB.


I appreciate your feedback and realize you're probably right.


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## NoJoBo (Jul 22, 2018)

Administrators can feel free to lock the thread now if you'd like


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

NoJo, there are multiple reasons to take care of your own health and looks. For example, I'm intrigued when you say you lost your teeth. All of them? Is there a medical reason for this? What are you doing to deal with that medical issue? 

I ask because you say he's depressed but the things you describe about yourself sound like you may be depressed, too. Are you addressing these things with a family physician or specialist? I can't imagine having to deal with alopecia as well as a depressed husband, who cheated.

Also, by taking care of your own medical issues, it shows him and the world that you DO care about yourself, respect yourself, and deserve better. Only you can make changes so that he sees you and respects you by watching you respect yourself.

As for the cheating, the way you describe things, it kind of sounds like you gave him a pass, like he didn't have any consequences; that's probably adding to the dysfunction of y'all's marriage. Have you considered taking him to a therapist and discussing it there?


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

NoJoBo said:


> Duly noted... I should have known though. It's always about looks. Screw the fact that I've been a good wife to him otherwise. OK. Will do. Thanks for the feedback.


 As a woman who used to be a size 6 and now has more, ahem, curves herself, I'm gonna call bull on this period this is just self pity and whining. You knew as The weight was climbing that the weight was climbing. We notice things like that when our pants no longer zip. I'm not sure what happened with your teeth, but this is not about me and only caring about looks and you know it. There is a vast difference between a shallow man who expects his wife to look like a porn star and just letting yourself go completely and then blaming others. If you truly do not care about yourself or your health or your appearance, then own it. Don't blame it on shallow men. Do something about it or except that it is going to have consequences. I'm sorry, this is not fat shaming. This is reality peering it


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Brutally honest you want? Ok, now that your husband has turned 180 and started to act like the man you want him to be, you are talking about rejecting him. Is the problem with him, or you? What you described in your post about your husband sounds to me like classical mid-life depression. I suspect he harbored (past tense) some animosity that you "had something on him" for those first couple of years and it really bothered him because it was HIS fault. That's a double dip of humble-pie because he can't rationalize it away as you being irrational. So you called him out on it and for whatever reason it was like a slap in the face that finally knocked some sense into him. He cried, hugged you, and was essentially letting this go. He did a 180 and is more attentive and loving, which is what you wanted, but now you have animosity toward him likely for making you feel the way you do now because of his behavior.

I'm not normally a big champion of counseling but I think you both need it and just like you convinced him to let go of this past issue of your being jealous (which was justified by the way) you need to convince him that he needs to give counseling a chance. From what you have described, I do not see issues that cannot be overcome. Be careful about letting go completely unless you REALLY have no problem living alone. In fact, if you choose that route separate for a while instead of proceeding to divorce immediately so you can see what living alone is actually like at your age. You are mid-forties, overweight, toothless, and hairless. Finding another man that will be accepting of those traits and provide you with whatever you think constitutes a fantastic relationship, will be difficult at best. In my experience, years of marriage like you have behind you masks physical traits in favor of love and companionship. In other words, we become so use to our everyday interaction with our partners that we don't see physical changes for what they are. Love tends to mask those changes and we accept them. I'm tending to believe that when your husband says his depression is not caused by your physical looks he is being truthful. You leave him and go out into the dating world, and what you see in the mirror is what potential suitors are going to see. If you aren't Marilyn Monroe you aren't going to get a Cary Grant.

Just think about it before giving up on your marriage. Make SURE there's no recourse. Make SURE that living alone is better than living with someone who is turning around to be the man you want. Some people in this forum make it sound like finding a new partner and/or better life is a snap of the finger. Trust me, it isn't.

Best of luck, whatever you decide.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

NoJoBo said:


> Duly noted... I should have known though. It's always about looks. Screw the fact that I've been a good wife to him otherwise. OK. Will do. Thanks for the feedback.


No, you took that wrong. What that user is saying is that you need to take care of you. Get healthy, getting your teeth fixed is part of being healthy as well. There may be a side effect of you looking better and more attractive, but that is not what you need to focus on. 

Whether you divorce your husband or not, you need to take care of yourself, because you deserve it. 

That is where you need to start. 

I have been with someone that was bi-polar and very depressed, among other things. And what happened to me as I was taking care of her, and raising three children, and being the sole bread winner, was that I did not take care of my self. 

I ended up having a stroke from all the stress of everything. 

While I recovered, I also began to take care of myself, losing weight, getting on the proper meds and all of that. 

If you want to help your husband, even if his change is temporary, you will have to be healthy as well, and you are going to have to insist that he get help. Doctor for meds, take care of himself, exercise the whole bit. 

But what you have to understand is that you cannot do this for him. You can help, you can insist, you can be there for him but you cannot do it for him. 

With my ex wife, there was no saving the marriage, but I did give her the chance to get better and tried to help her. 

In the end, as I got more healthy mentally and physically, I started to realize that she would not. 

This was one of the main factors of the end of the marriage, there were many more. 

But the bottom line is that you can set the example, get healthy yourself, and do what you can to help him. 

When you get healthier, you will be in a better position to help him or leave the marriage if he will not help himself...


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

NoJoBo said:


> Anyway, after some time of hashing it out, it turns out he was holding a grudge against me. He cheated on me before we got married and even though I forgave him and married him anyway, it did cause me to be very untrustworthy of him during the first two years of our marriage and as a result, I acted ridiculously jealous... This was 19 ears ago. I have since grown and matured as a person and have grown to trust him completely. I have even demonstrated this time and time again over the past 19 years. But he couldn't get that old image out of his head and was still reacting to the way I behaved in the past, almost 2 decades ago. I told him that it's incredible how he never talks about the things he's done, but he can talk all day long about my reaction to them. I told him he could either divorce me, let it go and move past it with me, or he could go on avoiding talking about things and continue to hold a grudge over something that happened when we were 20. He cried and hugged me. He said he needed to figure out a way to let go of the past and let the people in his life love him, but it's hard since he doesn't love himself.


So, he is holding a grudge against you for his OWN indiscretion from 20 years ago?? What he is doing is blameshifting. He actually has you blaming yourself for your reaction for his betrayal, which sorry, but he earned all the mistrust! The reality is that you two obviously rugswept the whole thing and did not come to a real resolution or closure. 

He MUST get therapy in order to learn to let go of the past, and to own his own actions too. My ex husband refused to get help for himself despite all the family begging him, and took his own life two years ago. I am not saying that will happen here of course, but just using it to show how serious this can be. He must own what he did to you and stop putting blame on you for how you reacted to it. He may also be harboring guilt over his loss of attraction to you, that could be why he resists opening up to you. 

I am glad to read you are taking steps to improve your health and appearance, that will go a long way to boost your self esteem and confidence. Which in turn will help you tell him to either crap or get off the pot, and be ok either way.


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## NoJoBo (Jul 22, 2018)

@ personofinterest With all due respect, please don't tell me what I know. You don't know what I do and don't know. You're assuming. You make a lot of assumptions in your post to me. 

@ turnera Thank you for your input... I stated in the OP that I am also depressed. I believe I became depressed years before he did.


@ BigToe the reason why I even bothered to come back to this forum today was because this morning, my husband made it abundantly clear that he has NOT let go of this grudge as he claimed. Also? He is no Cary Grant. He's no spring chicken either. He got fat too! Yes, I am 41 years old, fat, toothless, and hairless... And he's walking around looking like he's 6 months pregnant. Plus, I have more hair than he does. But I'm not shallow and never have been. I've invited him to join me at our complex's gym and he has yet to do so. No, Im not looking to get back into the dating scene and I don't NEED a man. And quite frankly, if a man is gonna base his decision solely on what I see in the mirror, I don't want him. And I mean that. I'd rather be alone than be with someone who will leave me the minute I don't melt his butter. *And I'm sure as helll not gonna stay married to someone out of fear that I'm too fat and ugly to get anyone else*... Which is basically what you told me. No, sir. I'd most definitely rather be alone. Age comes, looks fade, but a good woman will always be a good woman. And I'm definitely a good woman. I will take your advice though to make sure there is no recourse before filing for divorce. And my husband tells me constantly that my looks have nothing to do with his depression. This is me thinking that he can't be attracted to me because I know what I see in the mirror. But he says I make him feel even worse when I say things like that.


@ BluesPower I appreciate your input, I really do. I work full time and am the breadwinner as well. I'm sure that contributes to my husband's depression even though he denies it. I fully understand that I can not do this for him and have told him this on a number of occasions. I can't go to the doctor for him, etc. But he's very stubborn and refuses to go to the doctor. He's a grown man and I can't force him to seek help either. He always argues with me about why he won't. He has to make this decison on his own. All I can do is support him. I have already realized and told him this already. You said: "But the bottom line is that you can set the example, get healthy yourself, and do what you can to help him. ". Thsi is exactly what I have been doing for the past several months... Something a few of the posters above fail to know. Your post was very helpful to me, thank you again.


@ 3Xnocharm Thank you so much. I agree with you wholeheartedly. And I know what you mean about the seriousness of this which is why I try to get him to seek help, but he won't. I dont know how to help him or convince him to get help. My sister committed suicide back in 2009, so I know how serious depression can be. He pees insisting that he's still physically attracted to me, but I'm not stupid. I keep telling myself, how could he possbibly be? As BigToe pointed ut (thank you again for being brutally honest, big toe!) I'm old, fat, toothless, and hairless! Honestly, I just want to help him get better. Even if that means stepping out of his life. He has told me more than once that losing me would make him want to die even more. 



I'm gonna go ahead and step away from this forum now and edit my OP to reflect that. And since no one bothered to reply to my other thread, I'll do the same in that one too. Just a side note though... Some of the worst things you can say to a person suffering from depression has been said by a few of you in this thread. While you're reading books and articles, I would like to suggest you check out the articles written about the best and worst things you can say to someone with depression. Just food for thought.


Thank you all for your feedback. I'm no longer interested in this having this conversation. Take care.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

NoJoBo said:


> As BigToe pointed ut (thank you again for being brutally honest, big toe!) I'm old, fat, toothless, and hairless!


To be fair, you are the one that described yourself that way. I apologize, I should not have used your self-description in my reply even though you asked for brutal honesty.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

"in bed... Sometimes, 7, 8 times a day.."


For the love that is holy! WOW! 

Seriously though...I always remember a simple thing a Bio teacher in High school taught me...

"In order to look good, you have to feel good." "In order to feel good, you have to look good."
mr. Buchannan 1992

I kinda of extrapolate it for myself, as I get older and start changing. I make sure that I stay fit and work to be in shape. Not a body builder but strong and have A waistline. lol

I also, try to do new things out of my comfort zone and make a habit of bringing others into things that I enjoy. That is how I find happiness. Oh, and also, doing something for someone else too.

By doing the 180 described here, I was able to set my partner aside and concentrate on making MYSELF whole again. And that told me what is actually making me happy and what I want in life. I found out that I am going to be OK. And I can and have a right to be happy and whole. I learned what defines me and how that should only matter to ME.


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