# New to site, looking for advice on why is he acting the way he is??



## Sarah79 (Jul 10, 2010)

We recently went almost 3 months without sex. He was sleeping in the guest room, our bed was hurting his back. He doesn't touch me in any affectionate way. He comes home and goes right to our 2 yr old daughter to get huggies, and kisses. She is his angle. He will lean over me to kiss her. 

There is more, we don't talk, he comes home and complanes things are a mess, our house is very clean, He doesn't like anything on the counter, or the "lived in mess". If he is talking to me he is usually asking me to do something, or complaining about something I didn't do. 

We don't communicate well at all. My Mother in law thinks he needs to go to counseling, but his says he works too much and has no time. 

Help


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

It could be a lot of reasons. Have you done something to break his trust? cheated? how long have you been married? When you were pregnant did you not have sex for awhile? Has there been any period of time you didnt want sex with him? Any time he might have felt rejected and neglected?

It also could be that he is having an affair. 

What ever the reason is it is obvious he does not love you. Sorry to put it so bluntly, but that's the only way i know how to say it.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

You created a monster, so the help you receive depends on what you want to do, which actually means you don't need help. You just need to stop being needy, have some self esteem, and decide for yourself.

You allow your husband to bully you, make you feel unloved, and spend his days bossing you around. What do you want people here to tell you? You should have left him a long time ago, but for some reason you seem to need this treatment because you are still there taking it. Any time a spouse refuses to go to counseling, there is nothing left for the other spouse to do but walk out the door. It means he has no interest in working on the marriage because he does not want to change. Why change when he enjoys mistreating you and you are still there putting up with it? So see? What to do is up to you. Leave or stay. There is no one here to whip up an incantation to make him straighten up or go to counseling.

Whatever you decide to do, please also consider counseling for yourself so you learn and understand why you tolerate this kind of treatment. Ordinarily, it points to lack of self-esteem. Or maybe you allowed him to rob you of any that you had. That is what happens when women allow themselves to be mistreated.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I can't tell a lot from the small amount if information you have written here.

But I think you can sit him down and talk to him about what is going on. And so what if he says no to the initial attempts to get counseling.

Maker an appointment with a marriage counselor for the both of you and tell him when it is. Tell him you expect him to go.

Yes, be sensitive to his commitment at work. Even find out his calendar if you can.

Tell him his marriage depends on him participating. Make sure he understands the stakes.

Avoidance of counseling does not necessarily mean he doesn't want things to change.


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## marriedtoo (Jul 8, 2010)

I don't know girl, but it sounds to me like he's having an affair


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It sounds to me like he's just not having fun right now. Life is a bore and a chore, and you aren't giving him reason to be interested. He's telling you at least one thing that he needs - a put-away, well-functioning clean house. So give him that. Meet his Emotional Needs. Figure out how you Love Bust him (do things that annoy him) and stop doing them. Look these things up at marriagebuilders.com and learn how to use it to fix your marriage.

Give him a reason to come home to you.

PS, I gather you are a SAHM. You would be surprised to find out how many men turn inside out when their wife 'gets' to stay at home while they have to provide all the money. It really messes with their minds, sometimes. Ask him about it.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

I agree, he's bored, do you do things independently from him?, maybe you've become too co-dependent on him and he's starting to resent it, does your world revolve around him?


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## jlynn5839 (Jul 13, 2010)

I live with a man just like this. Married 17 years. He just "dropped the bomb" on me last night. 
I am sorry to read your post.......... but his behavior is identical to my H the past 3 months. It was another woman. 
You are in my thoughts.


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## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

While Turnera's message might be hard to hear, I think it is one worth reading again and thinking about. I notice in all of these threads, and frankly in all of my own complaints too that the source of our problems is always outside us. "My husband's a jerk, he won't touch me or talk to me." "My wife is a shrew, she won't blow me and she tells me my feet stink." "My kids are fat, lazy drug addicts who expect me to take care of them forever," and so on and so forth.

Look, Sarah, I'm not trying to make you feel badly and I'm not without sympathy. Your marriage sounds painful and I'm sorry to hear it. Maybe your husband is sleeping with someone else, maybe not. I wouldn't know. From your description it sounds like he's dismissive of you, and that's hurtful. But I would encourage you to look at what you are doing in the marriage, to think on who you are for your marriage, and consider what it would take to bring him back to the fold so to speak. 

If you take those steps, whatever they might be, then you'll be in a better position to say to him, "I am trying like heck to give you what you need, and I need your help to do that. And I also need you to meet mine."

Good luck.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I do want to add that I recommend - EVERY time a marriage is in trouble - that you should first do a little snooping to ensure there is not another man/woman in the picture. Because if there is, it TOTALLY changes the advice I will give.

Cheating is WAY WAY more common than most of us want to believe, especially in this generation (sorry) of instant gratification and spill all over FB. A recent survey showed that something like 70% of kids think it's ok to cheat on a test. What does that say for their view of other life lessons?


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Sarah79, I'm sorry you were blamed for your husband being a tyrant. You stated your house is very clean but he doesn't like anything on the counter or any kind of mess as if you are supposed to jump every time you use a piece of paper of something. I dated a guy who was like that. The house was spotless, but he complained about a Bible, dictionary, and a textbook stacked in one spot on the dining room table. I told him "If you don't like them there, then move them yourself because I don't want to hear it." This is ridiculous behavior from someone who feels (knows in your case) he has someone to bully. But for some reason, there are people like your husband who think you are supposed to jump around your house all day for every little speck of dust and if you don't, then you are making him bored and unhappy.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

On another forum, a woman dealt with this type of husband, wondering why she couldn't get the 'loving' from him. After several years, she told us that every time they move to a new house, he has to have his rocking chair placed in the exact same place, in each house, at the same angle, no matter what else is supposed to be in that room. The ROOM has to be fixed around that chair. He could no more change that 'need' than he could fly to the moon.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

turnera said:


> he has to have his rocking chair placed in the exact same place, in each house, at the same angle, no matter what else is supposed to be in that room. The ROOM has to be fixed around that chair. He could no more change that 'need' than he could fly to the moon.


that is very random. almost autistic in obsession.


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