# Expect an apology?



## brokenbythis

Am I completely fooling myself to expect a coming clean confession, ownership and apology for the years of cheating, lying, neglect and emotional abuse? Am I deranged to expect another human to realize what they've done to the person who loved and trusted them for so long? 

My ex-h has never fully fessed up, I've had trickle truth since D-Day, and he's never once owned his actions, been accountable for the wreckage he's created or told me he's sorry for it all. 

The most he's ever said is "I'm sorry you're hurt". Exactly those words. Basically making it all my problem and nothing to do with him. Has anyone ever received the above from their WW spouse? Or is it like the Loch Ness Monster - urban myth? Not that it would make much of a difference now, but I would still like to hear it and it would validate everything I felt and have been through, especially since his favorite pastime was gaslighting me.


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## EleGirl

If he has not done it yet... he probably never will. A lot of people find a way to justify anything they do.


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## Fenix

It's never going to happen. So, time to give up on that and move on. Brokenbythis, your story is similar to mine. The only thing I can say is it has nothing to do with you. YOU are not the broken one. He is. *Pity* him and look forward to a wonderful life without him.


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## Paradise

brokenbythis said:


> Am I completely fooling myself to expect a coming clean confession, ownership and apology for the years of cheating, lying, neglect and emotional abuse? Am I deranged to expect another human to realize what they've done to the person who loved and trusted them for so long?
> 
> My ex-h has never fully fessed up, I've had trickle truth since D-Day, and he's never once owned his actions, been accountable for the wreckage he's created or told me he's sorry for it all.
> 
> The most he's ever said is "I'm sorry you're hurt". Exactly those words. Basically making it all my problem and nothing to do with him. Has anyone ever received the above from their WW spouse? Or is it like the Loch Ness Monster - urban myth? Not that it would make much of a difference now, but I would still like to hear it and it would validate everything I felt and have been through, especially since his favorite pastime was gaslighting me.


I had text messages and emails over a year old in my hand at the time I confronted my ex and she still would only say it started a "short time ago." My question to you is why does it matter now? I don't know your story but if you are divorced then you might as well just let it go. Once I found out about the lying and cheating my ex became nothing to me. I still won't acknowledge her presence 3 and a half years later.


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## Holland

I wrote a letter to myself pretending it was from the ex. I wrote the words I needed to hear but knew he did not have the skills to say.

I wrote it, read it a few times and then put it away. I found it some time later and when I read it again I realised I have moved on, had gone a huge way towards healing and tore the letter up. It was liberating and healing.

Worth a go because odds are you ex is not going to apologise but you have the power to do it on his behalf and write the words that you need.


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## Cooper

You will never get the apology you want nor will you ever get the whole truth and nothing but the truth. And if you did what would it change?

The way to see it is if the cheater had any empathy toward you or their family they wouldn't have cheated in the first place. 

The best thing you can do is be thankful everyday that person is out of your life and can't continue to harm you.


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## Jellybeans

I used to think he would apologize, too. But as time went on, I realized that was never going to happen. So I made peace with it.


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## Pluto2

Sadly, I agree with the other posters here. If he hasn't apologized already it probably isn't going to happen. Mine never did, probably because he doesn't see what he did as something he should apologize for. My ex has said to me and his kids "I don't have to explain anything to you" and that sort of summed it all up. The most healing thing you can do now is to accept this is the person he chose to be. You cannot control it.


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## Rowan

I long ago gave up waiting for my ex-husband to apologize. Even a couple of _years_ before we were divorced I knew he just wasn't capable of that kind of empathy or humility. And even in his "big confession" there were things I knew he minimized and lied about, so I never had any hope of any further admissions of truth. Again, he just doesn't have it in him. 

Interestingly enough, a few months after our divorce was final, he came to me and told me he was so sorry for everything he'd done to us and to our marriage. Even then, he wasn't willing to be fully honest about what, exactly, "everything he'd done" entailed. But it was an apology - of sorts. 

I was a little surprised to find that even a mostly-sincere-sounding apology didn't really matter to me anymore. He lacks empathy, humility, loyalty, honesty, integrity, and even basic human kindness in many cases. Words won't fix that. Accepting him as he is, is the most I can do and all I could have hoped for. That acceptance freed me from waiting around for things he couldn't give me. Like honesty and genuine remorse.


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## toonaive

Yep. I spent 6 years in false R, before realizing she was up to old tricks. Without a full, open, honest communication about everything. Any semblance of a marriage is going to be a failure. Maybe after divorce, and a full realization of what has happened he may atone in the future. Or not. Dont waste any more time on something that may never happen.


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## SamuraiJack

brokenbythis said:


> Am I completely fooling myself to expect a coming clean confession, ownership and apology for the years of cheating, lying, neglect and emotional abuse? Am I deranged to expect another human to realize what they've done to the person who loved and trusted them for so long?
> 
> My ex-h has never fully fessed up, I've had trickle truth since D-Day, and he's never once owned his actions, been accountable for the wreckage he's created or told me he's sorry for it all.
> 
> The most he's ever said is "I'm sorry you're hurt". Exactly those words. Basically making it all my problem and nothing to do with him. Has anyone ever received the above from their WW spouse? Or is it like the Loch Ness Monster - urban myth? Not that it would make much of a difference now, but I would still like to hear it and it would validate everything I felt and have been through, especially since his favorite pastime was gaslighting me.


An apology will most likely never come…at least not in a form that is valid for you.
For that to happen, they need to actually develop a good sense of what they did to you and empathize with your situation. 
The reason most cheaters don’t have a vested interest in moving in that direction is because in the process they have to admit that they are as low as they actually sunk.
So it becomes a catch-22.
If they move towards that area, they have to admit that they aren’t as great as they want the world to think they are…or worse admit it to themselves.
If they stay away from that area, they know on some level that they are lying to themselves.
This cycle produces shame and disgust…so they usually try to avoid it altogether.

It’s actually kind of sad to see it, but they are in a pain of their own that is uniquely theirs.
You will see it come to the surface in their interactions with you, their doomed relationships and their isolation.
All the while trying sadly to convince themselves that what they did was the right thing.

Rather than try to get a good apology out of them, which will never happen, just observe the stuck state they are in and pity them.
They have literally put a cap on their personal growth in an effort to not look at themselves.

Sort of the mental equivalent of tearing out their eyes because they don’t like what they see in the mirror.


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## rsr0519

It's unfortunate but everyone here is right! Individuals such as your ex as well as mine aren't capable of seeing what they've done as wrong. They have no moral compass! I know it's extremely hard. You want some sort of closure but that will only come as your heart heals. It won't come from him. It's our human instinct to want answers...why?? The answers I got to these questions were only more hurtful because they were filled with more lies & distorted truths. Master manipulators go through life making sure their actions are justified by blaming others. His apology or confession won't heal your open wounds. Only time will do that! You will grow stronger as you move forward. It's hard for you to see this now, but you'll actually develop a bit of gratitude in knowing the lessons you've learned in your past relationship will make the next so much better.


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## FeministInPink

I can't really add much more, but agree with everything everyone has posted thus far. 

We'll never get any apologies from the liars and the cheats of this world. They don't believe that they did anything wrong, and they blame all their hurt and pain on others, rather than looking inside themselves and taking accountability for their actions.

And SamuraiJack is right... it really is sad, because our exes will be stuck in this vortex of repeating the same mistakes over and over, thinking that, _maybe this time I'll be happy, maybe with this new person I'll be happy_, when in reality, it's the Ex that creates his/her own misery by his/her own actions.

Don't waste your time/energy waiting for an apology that will never come. All of us here on this board, at one time or another, waited for an apology that we were never going to get. But then we woke up, we wised up to the reality, and that's what has allowed us to move on.


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## FrustratedFL

I also waited for an apology that never came. I thought he would wake up from his mid life crisis and realize what was done, who he hurt, what his actions truly did to his wife and daughter. 

I never received an apology. I would get statements like "Accidents Happen" or "you can't force someone to show remorse" After so many months and anxiety I finally came to the realization that my husband was gone forever. The man that replaced him was a narcissitic, lazy, immorale man. 

Sadly, I do not believe you will ever get a true apology since the person you have in your mind no longer exists. It is very hard but move on.


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## whitehawk

l don't think you can right it off, even in years time, dunno though. l do know decent people may turn around and reflect , feel things , later on though.
From what l read l must be one of the lucky ones bc ex did explain everything at the time and sent quite a few long rambling text through the night to later on.
l could hear well and truly it was not easy at all for her and that she was hurting very badly too.
Talking about everything and how she felt , apologizing .


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## samyeagar

You can't rely on the person you could not rely on before for your own closure. That has to come from within yourself.


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