# Borderline Personality Disorder



## lala1978 (Jul 21, 2011)

Hi,

I have posted here in the past after my H affair. We were in marriage counseling for about a year, and both in IC. I just still feel so very frustrated with his behavior.

A little background, he does have a history of abuse as a child, he also spend approx 6 months living in an treatment center when he was 15 for what his parents thought was an alcohol problem. He have many issues trusting or letting people really know him. ( i was not aware of any of this until after the affair. He lied about a lot of stuff about himself for fear he would be rejected)

When we met, he was very passionate about his hobbies, books, he is very smart. He charmed me for sure. However, looking back there were red flags.. He always did the same thing, he would "act out". then turned around and apologize and be so sad. I guess I fell for it, I would not call myself a "fixer" but maybe just had a soft spot because after his "acting out" he would seem so lost and hurt. 

He is hyper sensative. Takes crisistim right to his soul and can not deal well. He acts as if I am the enemy, I cannot figure out the resentment he has towards me. He has admitted that he does carry resentment. 

Growing up my family yelled and through things. His parents never fought in front of the kids but divorced when my H was 8. 

So, while I have worked very hard to remember my tone/body language etc, I seem to STILL Offend him. It drives me insane. It's like we cannot have a normal day because of his sensativities.

So, anyway i have read and googled myself silly trying to find out what in the world is his deal. The first 7 years of our relationship, he was very passive aggressive. He still can act very defensive at times, but now through his own IC he feels more comforatble showing some emotion. the ****ty thing is that emotion is normally anger. I feel like all the anger he has kept inside for all of these years, I have bewcome the outlet. 

I am just wondering if there is anyone out there that has experienced something similar. We have an almost 3 year old child and it breaks my heart to think of breaking up the family. The emotional roller coaster is just so exhausting, and after a year and a half of working on things, i feel we are still far from a healthy functional relationship.

BPD is the disorder that i think he has, it is not a well researched disorder, they dont even have exact meds.. Speaking of meds, he is on an antidepressant.

His behavior can just be so bizzare. One min he loves me and wants to be a family. The next when he feels i have attacked him or critize him, he is ready to throw in the towel, i react then he gets even nastier, i walk away, then 20 min later he is sad and wants to make up because he is so uncomfortable fighting.. omg, it's exhausting just typing it. 

I am torn, is there is hope, i just do not know. I look at my daughter and my heart aches. He has started to feel very rejected by her. I try and explain that she is a 2 year old... ok anyway... any one out there expereince anything similar.


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Look up Uptown and Pidge70 on here, they are very helpful on BPD. Hopefully they will see this and respond to you.


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

CallaLily said:


> Look up Uptown and Pidge70 on here, they are very helpful on BPD. Hopefully they will see this and respond to you.


CallaLily, thanks for the kind words. Like you, I am hopeful that Pidge will join the thread because she is so knowledgeable about BPD.


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

> My H does not share his feelings. He is a conflict avoider at all cost, was very passive aggressive in the previous years of our relationship ...BPD is the disorder that i think he has (from your 7/21 post).


Lala, if your H is a BPDer (i.e., has strong BPD traits), the behaviors you describe are those of a BPDer who "acts in," turning the anger inwards upon himself. This is unusual because the vast majority of BPDers "act out," turning the anger outward in the form of temper tantrums, verbal abuse, and rage. Indeed, this "acting out" is such a hallmark of BPD that many therapists fail to recognize it when the raging and tantrums are absent. Moreover, for the same reason, it is difficult to find information about it online. 

I therefore note that such BPDers are called "quiet borderlines" or "waif borderlines." I am aware of two insightful articles about them written by therapists. One is by therapist Shari Schreiber, whose description emphasizes the _"poor little me, I am such a helpless victim"_ nature of waif borderlines. It is available at BORDERLINE WAIFS AND UNSUNG HEROES; Rescuing The Woman Who Doesn't Want To Be Saved.. (Schreiber's other articles at that site also are excellent.) 

The other article, by A.J. Mahari, emphasizes the way these quiet borderlines punish you with icy withdrawal and passive aggressive remarks. It is available at Borderline Personality - The Quiet Acting In Borderline and The Silent Treatment - Nons - Borderline Personality Disorder Inside Out.


> He still can act very defensive at times, but now through his own IC he feels more comfortable showing some emotion. the ****ty thing is that emotion is normally anger.


Yes, the emotion that all BPDers carry right under their skin is anger. Whereas the acting-out BPDers express it freely, the acting-in BPDers usually hide it but express it in passive-aggressive ways. Significantly, it is common for both groups to occasionally shift between acting out and acting in. And, generally, it is considered to be far more healthy for the BPDer to act out instead of turning the anger inward, onto himself. Yes, it is may be much more difficult for his spouse to tolerate, but it will be far healthier for him. This is why nearly all high functioning BPDers turn their anger outwards, not inwards. Hence, if your H is a BPDer, it is a sign of progress in his IC that he is now able to act out, showing his anger more openly.


> We were in marriage counseling for about a year, and both in IC. I just still feel so very frustrated with his behavior.


It is rare for a BPDer to have the self awareness and ego strength to remain in therapy long enough to make a difference. Even when they do remain for in therapy for a long time -- as my exW did for 15 years -- they usually just play mind games with the therapist and do not work on managing their issues. Hence, you should not expect therapy to help him if he is going only at your insistence. It should be something he really wants for himself. Moreover, until a BPDer has had several years of successful therapy, MC likely will be useless because the issues are far more serious than a lack of communication skills.


> he does have a history of abuse as a child.


In a recent large-scale study funded by NIMH, it was found that 70% of the BPDers reported having been abused or abandoned in childhood. Granted, most abused children never do develop strong BPD traits. Such abuse, however, GREATLY raises the risk of doing so. 


> When we met, he was very passionate about his hobbies, books, he is very smart. He charmed me for sure.


Of the many high functioning BPDers I've met, most are very intelligent and charming. Indeed, I've found them to be a lot more fun to be around than non-BPDers -- as long as you don't try to draw close to them (which triggers their two great fears). And, like you, I've found them generally to be very passionate -- although their passions tend to be short-lived, jumping from one subject to the next.


> I would not call myself a "fixer" but maybe just had a soft spot because after his "acting out" he would seem so lost and hurt.


Oh yes, you are a "fixer," or what I would call an "excessive caregiver" -- just like me. We are about the only folks who are willing to remain in a LTR with a BPDer for more than 18 months. 

The other folks -- those with stronger personal boundaries -- will enjoy the passionate sex for six months and then spend perhaps an additional 12 months trying to restore the honeymoon period. Then they bail. Caregivers like us, however, tend to hang on forever. The notion of walking away from a sick loved one is anathema to us. 

We mistakenly believe that we are "helping" the BPDer when, in fact, we are simply enabling him to continue behaving like a spoiled four year old -- and GET AWAY WITH IT! Our other big mistake is confusing _"being needed"_ for _"being loved."_ What usually happens, then, is that the BPDer spouses leave US after 12 to 15 years. They become increasingly resentful of "our failure" to make them happy -- an impossible task.


> He is hyper sensitive. Takes criticism right to his soul and can not deal well.


This is why BPD is said to cause "emotional hemorrhaging." The outpouring of intense emotions is like a blood loss that cannot be stopped.


> He acts as if I am the enemy, I cannot figure out the resentment he has towards me.


If he is a BPDer, that resentment is easy to explain. A BPDer's sense of self is so fragile that being "the victim" likely is the closest thing to a self image that he has. He therefore has a death grip on that false self image. This means he will remain in a LTR with you only as long as you continue to validate that false image. During the honeymoon, you achieved that by being the perfect woman who had come to save him. The implication, of course, was that -- with you being the savior -- he must be "the victim" who needed saving.

But, of course, he did not really want to be saved from anything. That is why, every time you pulled him from the raging seas, he would jump right back into the water as soon as you turned your back. What he really wanted was validation of his status as "the victim."

As soon as the infatuation evaporated, his two fears (abandonment and engulfment) returned. That meant that he could no longer perceive you as a savior. Instead, he started perceiving of you as "the perpetrator," i.e., the cause of his every misfortune. In that role, you will be blamed for everything -- thereby continuing to validate his false notion of being the victim. Occasionally, he will "split you white" instead of splitting you black. When that happens, you momentarily will be restored to the role of savior and he will adore you. That adoration is so wonderful and intoxicating that you likely are already addicted to it. This is one reason that, for us caregivers, walking away from a BPDer is as painful and difficult as letting go of a heroine addiction.


> I feel like all the anger he has kept inside for all of these years, I have become the outlet.


Yes, but I would rather say that you have become the _trigger_. You don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger because, like you say, it is already there. You only have to trigger it. 

If your H is a high functioning BPDer, this triggering will not be done by business associates, casual friends, or strangers. None of those people can easily trigger him because they pose no threat to his two fears, abandonment and engulfment. Namely, there is no LTR to abandon and no intimacy to pose a threat of engulfment. This is why a typical BPDer will treat complete strangers with warmth and courtesy all day long and then go home at night to abuse the very people who love him.


> We have an almost 3 year old child and it breaks my heart to think of breaking up the family. The emotional roller coaster is just so exhausting, and after a year and a half of working on things, i feel we are still far from a healthy functional relationship.


When children are not involved, my usual advice is for a spouse to leave her BPDer H if he is not staying in therapy and demonstrating much progress. Whenever children are involved, however, I always advise folks to do whatever is in the best interests of the children. At issue, then, is whether the marriage is so unhealthy that it would be less damaging to the children to be raised by two divorced parents living separately.


> His behavior can just be so bizarre. One min he loves me and wants to be a family. The next when he feels i have attacked him or criticize him, he is ready to throw in the towel, i react then he gets even nastier, i walk away, then 20 min later he is sad and wants to make up...


Like a four year old, a BPDer has no tolerance for ambiguities or strong mixed feelings. He therefore resorts to black-white thinking when under any amount of stress. B-W thinking is one of the primitive ego defenses (like denial and magical thinking) that we all use 24/7 when we are 3 and 4 years old. Even in adulthood, we all tend to resort to B-W thinking whenever we experience very intense feelings, e.g., great anger. It manifests itself, in BPDers, as their always categorizing everyone (including themselves) as "all good" or "all bad." 

Because there is no gray area in between, the slightest infraction will lead a BPDer to recategorize you from one polar extreme (adoring you) to the other (hating you) -- and it all can occur in 10 seconds based solely on an idle comment or action by you. As I said before, the anger is always there so you only have to do a minor thing that triggers it. I discussed this in more detail in Maybe's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. Take care, Lala.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

For starters I would recommend IC for you so that you can learn what stokes your stove so to speak. You can learn to avoid being drained and pulled into drama by various techniques. How to carve out boundaries for yourself and your life. It is great that you want to stay in a relationship, but make sure that you do not turn into an enabler and a caregiver. It is okay once in a while to go through a period of time when you are not attending to your inner needs but if you neglect them for too long you might end up being lost and frustrated. Groups like NAMI which have family support meetings and contacts and education materials are also useful. You can only really change or shape the relationship by how you participate in it, so making sure that your participation counts in a positive or neutral way is key.

My H's sisters apparently have BPD and sometimes I wonder if my H does too. But IC helped me address a lot of the issues he brought to our relationship, and I don't feel like it requires loads of energy to get what I need to keep me going nowadays. He does or did seem particularly prone to rejection, if I used a different voice to express frustration or disappointment, he'd feel as though I was yelling at him, often like your H he would want to throw in the towel, then there was lying to avoid confrontation and to cover up poor impulse control and other habits, etc. Mostly I find that keeping myself off whatever pedastal he put me on and showing him how little it takes to make me 'happy', that I have ways of being happy that are resilient and come from within, has helped a lot in our relationship. I think BPD is mostly a relational type of issue, not entirely, but it ends up feeling like shooting for gold-standard parenting might. After a while it does become a habit, and the IC I went through also helps me deal with and identify other difficult people and to learn when I might be one of those people for someone else (exploring different viewpoints of people) so life has become much more fun and less like navigating a maze where buckets of mud fall on you randomly


----------



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Google and read on the internet or maybe even invest in some books you can buy or get from the library on BPD and how to deal.


----------



## lala1978 (Jul 21, 2011)

Thanks Uptown for taking the time to respond. It's so wonderful to speak to another about all this. It is sooo difficult to explain. I am going to print out your email and also check out the thread you suggested. 

It's just all so damn confusing. The push me away and pull me back, but then blame it on me. It is seriously a mind fu*k. So many years I knew there was something off, he is very selfish, which I did not even quite realize until later in our relationship. 

Since he did start IC the the tantrums he has have become less dramatic I will say. it use to be him blaming me for all the unhappiness in his entire life. Now he has turned it in to something different. The last arugment we had over the fact that he thought it unfair i give him a piece of paper to throw away when I could have easily done it myself, then i got annoyed, so then he says he justs wants to get along, but yet wanted to take the ooportunity to reprimand me about telling him to do something.. oMG the maddness, just typing it seriously sounds ridiculous. 

SO, he tells me as he gets more upset that he doesn't care, and that he said that he was not afraid of me anymore.. which was bizarre to say the least.. then 24 hours later, he wants to be friends again, and not mention that fight.. wtf


----------



## lala1978 (Jul 21, 2011)

Thanks Homemaker, 

I am actually in IC, I go every two weeks. However, a lot of the times i go, H and I are doing OK. I do know what you mean about learning my part of it all though. I have tried very hard to take my tone down, not come off as attacking, use I statments when i can, but he still acts irriational at times and then i just feel hopeless.


----------

