# Confused



## VolleyCoach2010 (Mar 6, 2010)

I have been married now almost 10 months and the last month or so has been HORRIBLE. I am 28 years old and my husband is 37. He has been married before for 11 years and they adopted a son together. There marriage was doomed for a very long time, yet they still adopted a son. His exwife had an affair for over 15 months, before he found out and they divorced. I have never been married before and have NO children, only 4 dogs who are like my children. 
I had a liver transplant 25 years ago and I do NOT drink or do drugs, just smoke. In January I found out that my liver was in slight rejection for the very first time is 25 years. I have since had many medical issues. I spend at least 2 hours a week at the hospital getting labs done, tests done, or doctors appointments. Within the last few weeks I have been experiencing extreme pain in my upper stomach, come to find out it is NOT liver rejection related, They say it is scar tissue issues after all these years. Unfortunately, there is NOTHING for them to do surgically so I have to live with the chronic pain, and boy is it painful. The last 2 days I have been vomitting and very sick and weak.
My husband has reconnected with his friends and is now in a band. This band meets every Friday night and practices, no gigs yet. Last week my husband was supossed to have his son who he hadn't seen in like a month, but because he had band practice and I was supossed to be out of town he had his mom watch him and ended up being really late to pick him up. That was like the final straw for me, because he complains about how he doesn't see his son too often then the 1 night he has him in over a month, he pawns him off to his mother and is late coming to pick him up, he had to work the next day and his son was going back to his mothers all day again. At that point I told him NOT to come up for a few days until he figured out his priorties. So last Sunday he and I met and talked and he said he was a father and a husband before he was a guitar player in this band, so 2 days later I let him ove back in thinking he figured it out. Well today like I said above I had been very ill vomitting and very weak, my doctor wanted me to go to the ER to get some fluids. I asked my husband when he called after getting off work if he could skip band practice tonight and come help me here...he replyed with NO. He said he didn't think I really needed him here and he is sick of going to the ER and doctors offices for them to not find anything more wrong then what is already, he said it is a waste of time. He sad he would be home after band practice. I basically freaked out and was thinking I thought you had changed and I thought I was a priority instead of this band....?
He is NOW on his way home but I had to do lots of yelling and such to get him to come home, basically I had to force him. So I am wanting some advice as what to do. Do I stay with him and make him think he can keep doing this to me, or do I just cut my losses and work on my health by myself with my friends and family and NOT him. I love him, but I am so drained from health issues that I can't keep playing this dang game with him. Please someone give me some advise...thanks!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Your situation is difficult. On the one hand i think it was great that you stood up to him about him not being there for his son. But it gets a little complicated about him picking up your medicine, etc. 

I can see where you are coming from, but i kind of lean towards his side. i used to feel neglected by my H when he went to play racketball but after i worked on my boundaries i can see that it was wrong of me. maybe you can try doing a boundaries workbook together. the one my H and i did was called _Boudaries in Marriage_ by Cloud and townsend. we would read a chapter and then write each other's answers in the workbook. at first the fighting escalated because i didnt like what my H had to say. but after a year of doing them things really started to change for us. i think we respect each other more now. there's also another boundaries book and workbook by Dr. Phil called _Relationship Rescue_. its worth a shot.


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## prestonspinay (Mar 5, 2010)

As much as I agree with the above reply, I also have to say
is if you yourself have to force your own H to be with you
Or his son then he is just being selfish. I know for a fact that if I 
Were in your shoes I would consider talking to him once more. Tell him that
Your feeling as if you and his son is being neglected and if all he cares about
Is himself and his band is to leave an remarry his band. I understand
There are dreams but are your dreams worth sacrificing your love ones? Good luck, and feel better!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

prestonspinay said:


> if you yourself have to force your own H to be with you
> Or his son then he is just being selfish.


This is how i felt about my H, too. i thought he was just being selfish and it was so depressing to feel i had to force him to stay home with me. but here's what i left out of my own pitty party- I never went anywhere without him. i needed him for everything. i had no friends, no one else to rely on. My H could not be his own person because i needed him so much- like one needs a pill to stay happy. Would you want to be with someone like that? i wouldnt. 

so while i understand what you are saying, keep in mind that the OP is in a very high state of need because of her illness. does she rely solely on him? does she give him the freedom to chose to help her, or does she manipulate him into helping her by withdrawing love if he wont? Is he free to love her, or does she need him so much that she's trying to force him to love her? maybe he is home 9/10 times and it upsets her about this one time that he puts himself before her. Is he supposed to lose himself in taking care of her? What is it like from his point of view? 

im not saying any of this is necessarily true in the OP situation, but it is something to consider.


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