# What I finally learned



## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

I came to this site in the fall of last year. I was completeley and utterly alone,unhappy and ready to walk out an eighteen year marraige. 

I would like to thank the people that run this site and Turnera, who made me take a good look at myself as well as my happiness before I have come to realize that I really depend on others to make me happy.

I came to this site with a hubby that refused to help and we have two special needs kids. He wouldn't help with the kids, house, bills, groceries or anything. He gave gifts like a toilet seat, Mr. Clean, and a mop and thought he was funny. he would yell at the kids for mimicking things he did but it was funny when he did it. I was tired, burned out and emotionally drained.

I asked my hubby for a divorce as I realized that he was not going to change and I needed to do what was best for my kids and myself and I did not want nor need another child! All the sudden, it was a huge wake up call after I took control.Ladies, I would not recommend threatening this unless you mean it and are ready to walk out the door. I did. I agreed that we would stay at the house and he needed to go to the doc as both kids have adhd and he was diagnosed also but refused treatment. The first few doc appts. were really bad. he wanted to argue over things he did in front of the doctor. I was so beyond wanting to work this out. Here we are the following summer and he has been on meds for seven months and has totally calmed down. We still have patience issues with the kids and he still does stupid stuff that I know within the next few days my kids are going to do it and BAM! I point these out and give him the look and he, for the most part, stops. I try not to do it in front of the kids but if he doesn't stop himself, I just say that is not appropriate behavior. He typically stops. I usually wait until bedtime. I also insisted that he take an active involvement with the kids. He now is a junior leader at his son's boyscout troop. He is also making an effort to encourage and make positive comments to his daughter. He also has taken me for dinner three times. I know it will never be a planned dinner as he doesn't seem to get that concept. But for me, the attempt is more important.

What have I done? I took a long look at myself and realized I, in turn, have let myself go. I have medical issues and I know I am disabled but that does not mean I am dead! I had weight loss surgery(last month) and counseling and I have lost 38 pounds. I feel much better every day I can get into the back of my closet. I also dropped some of the kids therapy and began more socializing and family play. Now without the one hour drive there and back, I have more time to do things and feel less agitated. It also allows time for family dinners. I was really sick for the first time over the weekend(food poisoning). For the first time ever, I did not drag myself from the couch and slave away at dinner and laundry. I stayed in my pajamas, gave kids some chores to do, and told hubby, you will need to make dinner plans and such. He did it with no complaining and even played cards with the kids. I have learned that by not voicing what I needed from him and getting ticked off that he was equally frustrated because he did not know what I wanted. I now voice exactly what he needs to do. I also say, I feel bad that..... and tell him when he hurts my feelings instead of bottling it.I feels so much better. Things are not perfect and I constantly comb this site for advice on how to handle different situations. I also learned I had to let go of the anger over the affairs or we were going to be stuck. I didn't forget but I don't bring it up. Some of the pain has disapated by him showing that he wants this marraige to work. I also learned a few months ago that his brother and mother advised him that since I did not work, the house and kids were my job and he worked all day and didn't need to help. I made sure the old biddy knew I knew this while she was here and what my opinion of her advice was. His brother, I could care less how he feels as he is out of our lives pretty much and we just see each other at family functions. It is sad =, but he has his own demons to work out and they are not mine! I can only change me! 

I wrote this to show that when you think nothing will change and love has totally been lost, you need to keep working at it. Don't give up. Make sure before you walk out, you have tried EVERYTHING! Not everything works and we still have issues, but it has gotten better. The love is coming back and all of our relationships have gotten better for it for the whole family. It has been so worth it. Even when working through those painful moments, it hurt like the ****ens but it has made me a better person. My quality of life has improved and I am happy! Something, I can not say for the past ten years. Don't be a marter, say what you want to say, or how you feel or nothing will ever change! I really hope this gives someone some hope out there. I think we all need encouragement sometime!


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

.. and that's certainly an encouraging story. Well done you and let's hope not only you but he/they keep it up. :smthumbup:


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

tamara24 said:


> I wrote this to show that when you think nothing will change and love has totally been lost, you need to keep working at it. Don't give up. Make sure before you walk out, you have tried EVERYTHING!


:smthumbup:


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## letitbe (Jul 18, 2011)

Encouraging. I need more of these. Thanks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wemogirl (May 31, 2011)

letitbe said:


> Encouraging. I need more of these. Thanks.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

Tamara, thank you for sharing your story. It was so uplifting to read. 

And congrats on the weight loss! Great job!


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## CoffeeTime (Jul 3, 2011)

I am very glad it worked out for you


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

Thanks, everybody! I am getting there and there were days!!! I think the key was realizing what I did too. I did not intentionally play the marter. It just started when our son was born and he refused to help and I picked up the slack. Our second child was born shortly after that and it just continued. I got to the point of saying I need you to do this was worthless. 

When I woke up at the morning and sat on my side of the bed and quietly said I want a divorce. He knew I meant every word. I think that was his wake up call because I wasn't yelling or threatening him. I finally came to a decision on my own. Regardless of what we have decided now, I know if things had gone the other way, I would be fine. We had no money so that was a huge worry, but i know it would have worked out. I still would have pursued the surgery because I needed to do that for me and my health.I would have continued to pursue alternative therapy for the kids because the pace we were on was not good for any of us and sometimes it got in the way of family time and I think that it is just important.

I also had to really look inside myself. I claimed I was trying everything and my brain believeed every word. But in reality, the years of resentment, anger, frustration and emotional toll had really made me a bitter person. I did things to go out of my way to not include him because of the way he acted. I didn't make him feel that him working to support us was an important part of him. I began not telling him about therapist appts. because i assumed he wouldn't listen anyway. By doing all this, I was just as guilty as he was.

There was no magic potion that my hubby slipped into my drink and I said hey, lets give it another try! It was the fact he had come to realize how much he had missed and how much he was going to miss. He also made the effort before the doc appts. to make them himself and going for the help he needed.I came along and wanted to pull my hair out but you have to start somewhere! There is still much that has to be repaired but everyday he stands beside me and works as a team is another day some of the pain goes away. The more he attempts to help make dinner or take me out, the more he makes me feel like a wife instead of the maid. It all evens out in the end! I really hope people get something from it, because I think we give up on each other way too soon.


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## FaithHopeLove (Apr 21, 2011)

It's great to hear your story--- thank you for sharing it with us. I know this road was not an easy one-- it may have been easier to just get divorced, but I am always built up as a wife when I hear stories like this: that the husband and wife could stick it out and both could work on themselves so that their marriage could become better.


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