# unable to cope



## loopylola (Feb 27, 2018)

I am at a new low in my marriage. We have been together 24 years, since we were 18/19 years old. Married since 2002. My husband and I have two beautiful kids in elementary school. I have felt "at the end of my wits," as my mother would say, for years. I have begged for counselling, for improved communication and conflict resolution for years. But I am starting to fall apart now. It is now at the point that I cry on the way to work, I am not sure that I can keep my focus on my job and honestly I feel that I might have to take a leave or risk losing my job for good.

I understand that there are two sides to any marriage problem, and I for sure am not perfect. However I am starting to believe that my husband will always make it impossible for me to have dignity in this marriage. I know that sounds like a severe statement but it is definitely 100% how I feel. No matter what I say or do, I believe that he will have a response that shuts down peace, reconciliation, and compassion.

A few years ago he began to admit that he has serious psychological problems resulting from childhood events. He has had a moderately serious alcohol and drug abuse problem. Thankfully he is beginning to take this seriously, though I feel that the only reason he did this was that I was so stressed and exasperated with his dysfunction, disconnection, and cruel behaviour that I gave him an ultimatum. I meant it, the drug and alcohol abuse was just too much for many reasons. 

Of course there are many good things about him. He is super connected to nature and this is so beautiful and gentle, he seems at peace in nature. People enjoy him very much when they first meet him, he can be outgoing and funny, charming. He is gentle, devoted, charismatic, a very loving father. I feel like I need to add "when he feels safe." Most of what I say and do seems to trigger a response where he feels threatened and he reacts by saying things that are hurtful and usually completely untrue. This comes up all the time when I have "expectations" (a huge trigger for him) that he take care of certain things around the house like the kids homework, chores, etc. while I am working. He says the most cruel things. For instance he has said that I have never contributed to the family; that I don't care what is best for the kids; that if I leave him he will use his parents money to make sure that I never see the children again and if my dad tries to help pay for a court battle then they will bankrupt him. After the fact he denies that he has said these horrible things but he does not apologize. 

My husband seems to be dealing with some serious mental health issues. He denies this and says that it is not him, that I am just a difficult person. However, he has revealed that a childhood ADHD and also an autism diagnosis was a dirty family secret that his parents refused to address or talk about. He apparently almost suffocated when he was a child and his father "gave up hope" that he would ever develop his intellect because of it. He stopped working over a year ago. Before that he ran businesses that were in a deficit. His friendships have almost all fallen apart. His relationships with his family of origin are in shambles. He has acknowledged that his family put such stringent expectations on his behaviour that he felt like his identity was completely shut down. This has hurt him and I have sat with him for hours, many days, to try to discuss this and to try to help him discover who he is and what he believes, trying to grow his sense of identity. I have tried desperately to explain to him how a commitment to truth and humility has helped me stay connected and resilient.

I don't know what to do. These problems are only part of it. All of the goodness and togetherness seems to be lost. My doctor and therapist have both expressed that they have met few women who are so patient and understanding. We can barely share a conversation about anything other than the kids medical problems. Unfortunately these are quite significant. I am so angry and resentful about all of this, and it is now affecting my ability to do my job. I teach high school and work with very vulnerable kids (my superiors also say they are amazed with how patient and understanding I am with the seriously disregulated students). There is not really space or time to just go off and pull my **** together. I am so angry and resentful, I feel true contempt for him at many moments. I don't know why I don't just make a quiet plan to move out and get a divorce and I don't know what to do. All feedback is welcome, thank you for reading.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds to me like you need to start moving towards divorce. At this point you might want to just start exploring it. Talk to some lawyers and find out what to do to secure your custody of the children.

It's highly unlikely that he can use his family money to take your kids away. The courts generally feel that children need both of their parents. So talk to an attorney.

Have you read the book "Codependent no more"? You might want to read it as I think it will help you figure out how to deal with your situation.

You seriously need to move to divorce fairly quickly. Since your husband is not working, you could end up paying him alimony and child support. The longer he is unemployed, the more chance he has of getting this. 

Your husband does not sound like the good guy that you say he is. He sounds verbally/emotionally abusive. You are falling apart because he's taking you part one day at a time.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I would move from being distressed, overwrought and coping poorly to accepting that your husband is mentally ill. Has come unwound. Is in a deep depressive state.

If you can fully accept that. Accept that he is not being mean, he is unwound. He has fallen in disrepair. And he is likely not repairable. 

You need to look at him as a broken spirit, one that you can no longer carry on your back.

You can carry two lovely children to maturity and beyond. You cannot carry a broken man to the grave. Your will.....it will implode before your strong legs give out.

I agree. You need to divorce him.

One life is given. Your husband was given two....his and yours to consume.

Break the downward cycle. Step away from from the elevator.

The elevator heading down.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

The only way things will change is if you start to change them.

As @EleGirl said, you need to start making steps toward divorce. Even if they are small steps.

It does not matter how much time you've spent with this man. No one telling you how patient and what a Saint you are, are going through this. You are. Are ANY of those people actively helping you to get out? Probably not, because only you can care enough to do that. It is your life.

You sound done. It's OK to be done. He is clearly experienced with using toxic shame and guilt to hold you in place, because it works. He may be a drug addict and alcoholic, but you are an incredible Codependent.

You should read "Codependent No More." it will help you to identify the behaviors you need to stop in yourself and why you do it.

You can leave him, move on, and have a good life. You'll be sad and mourn, but if he truly has mental health issues, you can't begin to help or cure him. Only he can work on himself and he sounds completely unwilling. That is SO draining, dealing with a person you love who will do nothing to help themselves and the marriage.

Are you really going to test your limits and sanity to see if you break, or are you going to jump off of the merry-go-round while you still have your sanity intact? You probably know the "definition" of insanity by now...


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

All his threars about using his parents money to keep you away from the kids are just threats.

Time to move on.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

I'm sure it is difficult and yes perhaps it's time to move on. It's OK to feel like this and no, don't take his threats seriously! He is scrambling and this is his way to deal with it. You are a working mom that does the best for her family. You have tried to get him to counseling and apparently, he doesn't want to help himself. or his marriage. 

I have begged my spouse to go to counseling. He claims he is fine and our marriage is fine. It's not, we only talk about superficial things which I need more-- mentally, physically and emotional support. At first, I thought he had ADHD but he has anxiety. He refuses any help and denies everything. Which is a shame because our marriage/family life would be so much better with help.! 

Talk with him again. If he still denies that there is a problem then you know what you need to plan for. You can also speak to a lawyer free of charge to see what and how this will go. Good point with the alimony, the longer you stay the longer you might have to pay alimony. Don't know but the lawyer should be able to give you some answers. My friend who has been married a long time stays with her spouse (he doesn't work) because if she left, she would be paying a lot of alimony.


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