# Emotional Disconnect - SOS!



## Christos (May 5, 2018)

Hi everyone! It’s my first post here so and I’m struggling so here goes.

I’ve been married 10 years and we are struggling the most by far in our marriage.

Last summer we moved to Colorado because my wife wanted to. I struggled to find work and it took me about seven months to land a full-time job. She was working more than full-time and she got so frustrated and insecure with the marriage and financial pressure that she cut me off emotionally and physically. This was in December 2017 and the last time we made love was mid December.

Also in about 5 weeks ago I got busted in a lie related to money (needed to pay And that just added insult to injury. I apologize profusely and owned up to it and I have been completely honest since

So now I’m trying to rebuild connection and trust at the same time! No easy task for sure.

She will only kiss me on the cheek and hug me. Minimal cuddling from the waist up only.

I know a lot of this is my fault and I owned up to it soMy question is how long is normal for us to go for before she lets me back in? We went to a counselor and she did say that she’s mad but still committed thankfully.

I feel like I have zero control because I just need to sit here and wait for her to feel comfortable enough to let me back in so we can be intimate. And of course my language of love is physical so that makes things that much harder. 

Any help or guidance would be so much appreciated! If you have follow-up questions just post them and then I’ll comment below.

Thanks!

CPB


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## Christos (May 5, 2018)

Also we both say I love you and we both mean it


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Wait you move to Colorado because she wanted too and then she gets mad at you when you have a hard time to get a job. Okay let's go through the question 

1. Why did she want to move to Colorado
.2. How was your relationship before the move?
3. It sound like she is controlling and talks down to you and you let her

Remember words are useless without actions


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Christos said:


> Last summer we moved to Colorado because my wife wanted to. I struggled to find work and it took me about seven months to land a full-time job. She was working more than full-time and she got so frustrated and insecure with the marriage and financial pressure that she cut me off emotionally and physically. This was in December 2017 and the last time we made love was mid December.





Christos said:


> She will only kiss me on the cheek and hug me. Minimal cuddling from the waist up only.


This is exactly what it looks like when your spouse has found someone else, complete with them making you feel that it is your fault. They also tell you that they that they still love you, but act like they are not in love with you. This happens even if it has not gone physical yet, but are in an emotional affair (“EA”).

Without letting her know that you suspect that there might be someone else, start digging. BTW, you having a hard time finding a job after you moved for her is nothing that she should be blaming you for.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

TRy said:


> This is exactly what it looks like when your spouse has found someone else, complete with them making you feel that it is your fault. They also tell you that they that they still love you, but act like they are not in love with you. This happens even if it has not gone physical yet, but are in an emotional affair (“EA”).
> 
> Without letting her know that you suspect that there might be someone else, start digging. BTW, you having a hard time finding a job after you moved for her is nothing that she should be blaming you for.


I wondered who was going to say this first. 

Yeah, she is having an affair. Question is was the move so she could be near her affair partner (AP).

And if you want meaningful advice you need to tell us what the deal with the money was about, drugs, gambling, or what. 

And further, you are being a complete wuss. And no, she does not love you so you can get over that as well. She is screwing another guy.

And even further, you need to check your phone bill and see who she is talking to, or/and get a VAR and place it in her car, that way you will also know more about the affair. 

So get started, and play it cool. And when you find the evidence, if you don't have kids, just divorce her already...


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Sometimes I wonder if I posted that my dog sometimes bites....I would get a bunch of replies that it is because my wife is having an affair.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

This is also what it looks like when your wife gets upset because she thinks you are not job hunting hard enough and your underemployment is cause by that.

Then you add a whopping lie to it.

Not everything is caused by infidelity.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I wouldn't jump on the infidelity bandwagon just yet, although it is definitely something to keep in mind and look into. 

Unemployment and financial infidelity can deeply effect a woman's security and respect for a man and sexual attraction and response are strongly associated with respect. Unemployment and doing something dumb and irresponsible financially would explain her lack of affection and sexual response even if no affair. 

Even if there has been no infidelity thus far, it is a very real risk in the near future if there is current lingering anger and respect issues and the things causing those issues are not addressed immediately. 

I too also wonder what more there is to the story here. Why the move to another state? Were you unemployed or underemployed prior to the move and the move was for her employment?

What was this dishonesty over money about? Hookers? drugs? gambling? unnecessary toys for you ie new car/motorcycle/boat/ATV? 

I have a feeling there is a big elephant in the room that hasn't been mentioned yet.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Mr.Married said:


> Sometimes I wonder if I posted that my dog sometimes bites....I would get a bunch of replies that it is because my wife is having an affair.





EleGirl said:


> This is also what it looks like when your wife gets upset because she thinks you are not job hunting hard enough and your underemployment is cause by that.
> 
> Then you add a whopping lie to it.
> 
> Not everything is caused by infidelity.


OK, we will see. But if OP does the work, he will find and affair. 

If not I will post an apology thread...


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Christos: How about feeding us a few more details. It is often that lack of sex is a symptom of something else like cause and effect. Work/Money/Lying are always big stress risers.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> I wouldn't jump on the infidelity bandwagon just yet, although it is definitely something to keep in mind and look into.
> 
> Unemployment and financial infidelity can deeply effect a woman's security and respect for a man and sexual attraction and response are strongly associated with respect.
> 
> I have a feeling there is a big elephant in the room that hasn't been mentioned yet.



I think you got it right .....you covered 3 possibilities..... affair/finances/ and the elephant

I'm going to agree for sure on the elephant.


Blues....I'll do the same for my preemptive comment! (Dis-qualifier : Has to be within 1 year of no sex date so starts Dec. 2016...I'll give you some slack pending details)


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> This is also what it looks like when your wife gets upset because she thinks you are not job hunting hard enough and your underemployment is cause by that.
> 
> Then you add a whopping lie to it.
> 
> *Not everything is caused by infidelity.*


*But it sure as hell can lead to it!*


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Start digging. Check her phone log and email.

You need evidence that she isn't having an affair.

But until you find out that she isn't assume she likely is.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Christos said:


> Also we both say I love you and we both mean it


This means nothing if your wife isn't acting like she loves you.

Having a husband go months without sex/love and support isn't loving behavior.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I'm going to have to ask this question.

Exactly WHEN did your wife take control of your testicles? Are they in a jar by her side of the bed? Are they hanging from her rear-view mirror or tucked into her purse?

You just sound SO weak and needy. :surprise:


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## kekkek (Apr 5, 2018)

5 months without sex in the absence of death or disability? I am thinking this marriage is over. Maybe she did not move to Colorado to be with her AP, but she sure found one once you guys moved. If you are not telling everything in this forum, and know the reason that she cut you off, that is a different situation. But if you do not know, I think most people here will tell you that the reason is her affair.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Getting the feeling this will be a one hit wonder.....we shall see


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Mr.Married said:


> Getting the feeling this will be a one hit wonder.....we shall see


One hit wonders often just want to vent and then have others boo the villians and then tell them how great they are for enduring their suffering. 

They don't actually want to hear any realities or hear that they are responsible for their own well being and they don't actually want any real advice on how to resolve their situation.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Have you checked to see if your wife is doing anything you don't know about?


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

crickets.......


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