# How can you be and not be attracted to this person?



## 2Boys (Aug 8, 2010)

I would like to hear men's thoughts on this. My husband and I are having problems and I asked him repeatedly is he is attracted to his friend/co-worker. He has been stalling and when he finally answered the question, he said it was a loaded question.

His answer was- yes, I am attracted to her in a working/friend relationship. She's good at her job.
No, he's not sexually attracted to her.

Could you explain this answer? Can men be attracted to the opposite sex but not sexually attracted?

I spoke with my friend and she said that's bull-crap answer.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I think the word "attracted" is loaded.

I'm an accountant and work with a guy who is technically probably the best CPA I have met, and I'd say that I like working with him and it is a good working and friendship kind of relationship. But "attracted"? I'm bi and I still have to say no.

There are smart, good-looking women where I work, too, and I'm not "attracted" to them.

Is there something that leads you to believe that his answer is a lie other than your friend's judgment?


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## 2Boys (Aug 8, 2010)

Actually yes. I am dealing with infidelity, lies and I guess it is a trust issue with me. His friend/ co-worker is the person I stated to him I feel he would have an affair with when he told me he had a one night stand. He says they're just friends. 

I am a very private person and I have not talked about our problems with any one until recently. I've read some posts here and it has helped some.

Thanks for your reply and your perspective.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

It's a loaded question if you and he have different definitions for the word "attracted." From his answer, it sounds like you do since obviously you meant it in a sexual way, but he seems to feel attraction is whatever makes you like and respect a person. I can see how his answer is confusing to you. I can also see that he may well have avoided answering directly. That, in addition to you are having problems, plus you felt you had to ask him about his feelings for this woman tells me you have bigger problems than you may know. You don't give any details, but I suspect his answer is not the problem but that he probably spending too much time with her - phoning, texting, in person, after work, etc.


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## 2Boys (Aug 8, 2010)

Your right Susan. We have been working on our problems since April but it goes way to 2008. Yes, they work together, eat lunch everyday (alone as far as know because they don't like the other guy they work with), and texting back and forth but from what I've seen on the texts, it's work related, sometimes things that happened to her on her way somewhere after hours, going out for a beer after work. 

Yes, we have problems and we are trying to work through them but I am having a hard time dealing with it.

Thanks Susan.


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## Zammo (Aug 9, 2010)

By using the word "attracted", you are setting him up for failure. As a guy, I am "attracted" to many women. Hell, that's my biological job to be attracted to many women. It's my social job to resist that attraction.

If you want to plant landmines in your relationship, just know that your husband will likely step on one.


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## 2Boys (Aug 8, 2010)

Zammo, so you think I chose the wrong wording when I asked him the question?

Husband has mention to me that he feels I am setting him up for failure when I ask him questions.

Was and still not a very good communicator. I internalize a lot of things and I am working on that.

I appreciate your comment.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

So he cheated on you and you think it is her?

Does he have times when he is on his own? Late nights at work? Business trips (with her?) is there anything that makes you suspicious other than your friend's skepticism?


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Chris, not to go off subject, but I noticed you said you were bi. My husband has discovered he is too. I have no issues with this and have fully supported this discovery.

Does your wife have any issues? Is she aware? As long as I know and/or am involved (present), I have no issues - but occasionally that little seed of jealousy pops up because while I can compete with a woman, its physically impossible for me to compete with a man.

Just wondering your thoughts?


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## vertigo (Jun 3, 2010)

2boys, you can get a lot of help and support about this issue (I am sorry to say that I suspect your H is still having an A with the co-worker) at SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for those affected by Infidelity.

From everything I have learned with my H's A (he left me for OW), there has to be no contact with the affair partner. It is impossible to turn off feelings for someone when you see them all the time. 

I am so sorry. But at least he is still with you so hopefully that means you have a chance to stay married if you want it. This is incredibly challenging and takes a lot of work and know how. One can't "shoot from the hip" when dealing with infidelity. Good luck to you! (sorry that I am not a man, lol!)


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I do think using the word attracted was setting him up for a no-win answer. I also can see where his answer is coming from. I don't think attracted is quite the right word. I think the right word would probably be admires or drawn to. He admires or is drawn to her work ethic or the way she does her job, but is not sexually attracted to her. That is possible. Do I think it's true? I don't know. I don't know your husband, so neither I nor anyone else on here can tell you for sure if he actually likes her "that way". 

Also, even if her were attracted to her sexually, that doesn't mean he'd act on it. I can understand why you might think he would, since he had a one night stand, but you also have to keep in mind he's not alone here. He might want her sexually, but who says she feels the same? Or that even if she does, that she would be so disrespectful to your marriage that she would get involved with him? Or risk her job to do so? There's a lot of other factors here that you should consider when trying to decide if you really think he might be having an affair with her. 

You should definitely stop internalizing stuff. My boyfriend hates it when something bothers me and I won't talk about it, because as he said (and when I thought about it, he's absolutely right), when I keep it inside and keep thinking about it, I build it up to be a much bigger deal than it really is and I end up causing a problem between us that wouldn't otherwise exist. When something is bugging you, tell him. Get it out in the open, so you can either resolve it because it exists or be reassured that it doesn't.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Chris, not to go off subject, but I noticed you said you were bi. My husband has discovered he is too. I have no issues with this and have fully supported this discovery.
> 
> Does your wife have any issues? Is she aware? As long as I know and/or am involved (present), I have no issues - but occasionally that little seed of jealousy pops up because while I can compete with a woman, its physically impossible for me to compete with a man.
> 
> Just wondering your thoughts?


So as not to hijack this thread, I will respond via a post in the "Sex in Marriage" forum under the thread "Bi and Married".


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## 2Boys (Aug 8, 2010)

Atruckergirl, you're absolutely right. I am now able to communicate more effectively and trying not to internalize what's bothering me.
We are working it out and getting on track.

Thanks to everyone who gave me their opinions.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

*By using the word "attracted", you are setting him up for failure. As a guy, I am "attracted" to many women. Hell, that's my biological job to be attracted to many women. It's my social job to resist that attraction.*

I love this answer Zammo. It says all there really is to say in a healthy relationship. 

LIL


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