# UPDATE with my reconciliation



## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

For the people that followed my story or the ones that just remember my siggie I wanted to come back and update you all.

the day before we were supposed to move my H. called and told me that he doesn't want me and it's final.He has someone else in his life and he has been with her since January(maybe even December when he left me).So much for me thinking that he does not have an affair.
he wants a divorce ,he is sure he loves her and wants to eventually marry her.
I can not even describe to you the horror I had to relive and what all this has done to my oldest daughter that believed that mommy daddy her and her sister will finally live together.

I have to try and step on my feel all over again,I believed him and he was sending me loving messages and it was a big shock to me.

Now the interesting part:He wants to bring her on Sunday so she can meet the kids and ME...yes you heard right...they want us to sit and talk about the kids and so forth .He accidentally told me her name and told me she's a coworker so I went nuts and called her at work,we talked for an hour. Apparently he's been lying to her too telling her he is done with me .She said she doesn't need the drama because she herself just got out of a painful 9 years relationship with someone. I asked her as a woman to woman to back of and save a marriage.I honestly don't want my H. back anymore but wanted her to back off. 
She promised she won't tell him I called but today he was really down and admitted to me that he has been lying to both of us...something I already knew from her.He's even told her that I cheated on him and that is why he's leaving me,I was floored.
Well now she knows who is she dealing with so it's her choice if she chooses to be the home wrecker.
He doesn't want to come see the kids alone because she thinks we still have something and he wants her with him now.I told him today that I do not agree and do not want to see her but he needs to see his kids that he hasn't seen for the last 2 months because of her. 
No idea if she still wants to see the kids and me since out conversation.Seems to me that he is big time into her and showering her with gifts,yes he has plenty of money to do that and if she is a gold digger she'll be back.

I talked with his parents today as well and they were shocked to the core,his mother said she definitely does not approve of this and said that they have been calling him and emailing and he hasn't called back.

Yes he is in a complete fog and i know that for her he will even forget about his kids...that bad.


So I will go and erase that whole siggie ,as soon as you guys read this ,i left it so you can remember who I was.

This person has left me 3 times since December,i don't think there is another case like mine.3 times I relieved the horror and instead of me healing since he left me in December now i'm back to square 1.
May I end the post with the word "scumbag"


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## Heartbroken007 (Mar 31, 2011)

Im so sorry your going through this again. It sounds as though H is the kind of person who has been "doing him" for so long that he doesn't even realize or care the pain he's caused. He want to bring the OW over for what? I would completely be against this. Your children don't need to see this. You need to be a happy person again. It sucks to know that he has put you through so much hope and yet despair at the end of the day. Keep positive people around you. Stay on here and talk to us. He's not worth your tears anymore. He has shown his true colors over and over. We all make mistakes and he will one day realize his. It's not you, always remember that. He is a man who has seen that leaving a marriage is easier than working on one, and if he thinks any other marriage is going to work like that for him, he is fooing himself. I wish you the best and please keep reaching out for support, if not here, somewhere. Good Luck


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

> He want to bring the OW over for what?


So I can give them the blessing because they both said that they have not done it yet because she didn't feel right when knowing he is married lol. But they do hang out a lot,hold hands,tell each other "i love you" .Platonic relationship from what I understand,he said this and she said it to me when I called her.
It should make me feel so much better right  lol.

They want to talk as adults and she wants to be included in the kids visitations...such BS.I have told him that it is not happening.

I think though that there is a trouble in paradise because he's been really down on the phone since I spoke to her and today I've asked him if he is bringing her here on Sunday and he said "I don't know but I will definitely be there"
makes me feel soooo good even she gives him the boot for a little


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

Gosh how I hate it when people want to introduce their children to their affairs, or their new GF/BF's in general, so freakin' quickly. So ridiculous and selfish.

My SIL has introduced her 3 children, all girls, to about 6 or 7 different mean over the period of 2.5 years...and her and her H are not even divorced yet, just separated.

I have another relative, a male, that cheated on his wife while she was 8 months preggers. This douche, my relative, cheated on his W with his cousins girlfriend. His cousin and the GF had 2 children at the time. Now my douche relative and his cousins ex-girlfriend are in a serious relationship and they have their children hang out together. They went on trips right away, immediately after exposing their affair. It's sick. If they stay together, it's gonna be weird for her kids to know that their mommy is dating daddys cousin and for his kids to know that their step-mom has children with daddys cousin. Yuck. What is even worse is that everyone accepted this couple right away. All the women relatives of ours all said "I'll never talk to that b-tch, that is disgusting." Before ya know it,they'll all partying together and going on trips. 
I said that I'll never talk to that chick as if she's family, and I stick to that statement unlike all of my other phony relatives.


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

Vivea you don't know me, I have only recently posted my thread but had been following your threads and input onto various other members stories. I found some of your advice really helpful. I have been looking every day to see if you have updated, as you posted your reconcilliation date.

I am so very sorry to read this news. I am having a very bad day here in the U.K. and watching the 'Royal Wedding', but reading this has absoloutely shocked me! What is his problem, how can he treat people in this way?

I hope you can be strong, and that your children will soon start to feel more settled when this is sorted. Don't know you but sending hugs. Thanks for your inspiration.


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Sorry to hear that Love...your story is what kept me going waiting for my wife to wake up out of her fog...

sometimes I wish she would just go away so I could start over...other times, I'm breathless when she walks into a room and my knees are knocking like a school kid...

good luck to you and keep us posted...and I'm not big enough of a man...I'd say "hell no she can't come over...."!!!


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## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

I really can't understand what is going on in someone's mind to think this is acceptable behaviour....no matter how thick the 'fog' basic human decency should tell a person that this is just wrong!!!

No matter what they say to make themselves feel better it is not a platonic relationship, they are cheating cowards, to weak to face up to what they are doing.

You are right to say that she has no business being involved with you or your children. If she is that worried that he still wants to be with you that she has to watch him what does it say about their relationship.

My heart goes out to you i know how hard it has been to let him go once, let alone 3 times. i hope karma catches up with both of them.

Take care of yourself. x


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

V, you are an amazing woman. You are so strong, and such a great mother to your girls. You will be fine. Do not allow him to do this to you any longer. You are one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen, inside and out, and he will realize this one day. He is missing something inside of him, that makes him think he can't stay committed. Sit back and let karma take over. After you see that lawyer and serve him with papers! Love you girl!


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Thank you so much guys.
Today it's a very hard day for me,had such realistic passionate dream with him,woke up and he was not there ...it hurts like 100 stabbing knives.
I have to admit something i'm ashamed of but i texted him now begging....yeah that bad of a day....crying as i write this....i begged him people...told him i love him and will forgive him and be patient and help him get through this...can i really do that....why I do this to myself...and why it hurts so much...I'm physically hurting today.Why don't I hate him?!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Viv, I am sorry this is the latest development.

And I know it hurts and stings and it's like a thousand little razors cutting your skin, but please, for yourself, for everyone on here reading your thread: STOP begging him.

He is a low life. 

This is Bullsh*t:



vivea said:


> So I can give them the blessing because they both said that they have not done it yet because she didn't feel right when knowing he is married lol. But they do hang out a lot,hold hands,tell each other "i love you" .Platonic relationship from what I understand,he said this and she said it to me when I called her.


They want your blessing for an affair that has helped destroy your marriage? Do you know how ridiculous that is? She has ZERO respect for you so I would NOT let her into your home. Even after you called her out on this mess, she still has the audacity to want to show up at your home so you can tell her what?: "Thank you for f-cking my husband...thank you for having an affair with my husband and helping destroy your marriage...Oh and Husband...tahnk you for bringing this woman to our house and to both of you--that is so lovely and wonderful you've been backstabbing me behind my back and would you like some tea and cookies?" 

WTF

NO WAY DUDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He is clearly out of his got damn mind if he thinks this is ok!!!

You need to stand up for youself. Tell him under no circumstances is this acceptable and she better stay far far away from your marital home.

Jesus. When I think I've heard it all, something NEW comes out. 

Viv.................................CUT HIM LOOSE. Tell him he cannot bring her over, she is not welcome and that you are done with him.

It's sickening that he thinks this is ok and that he wants your blessing for them to bang. Gross. She is a trollop.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

vivea said:


> Thank you so much guys.
> Today it's a very hard day for me,had such realistic passionate dream with him,woke up and he was not there ...it hurts like 100 stabbing knives.
> I have to admit something i'm ashamed of but i texted him now begging....yeah that bad of a day....crying as i write this....i begged him people...told him i love him and will forgive him and be patient and help him get through this...can i really do that....why I do this to myself...and why it hurts so much...I'm physically hurting today.Why don't I hate him?!


I'm so so sorry. I was thinking about you yesterday hoping everything was going well. 

You're begging him because he set you up. He strung you along these past two months so he could choose. He chose the "new" one and still has you _if_ their relationship falls through. He INTENTIONALLY made you feel this way. Don't for a minute think there's anything wrong with you or that you need to beg him back. He needs to be begging you.

I know it's easier said than done. Take a minute and go through some of the old threads here. You'll notice that not once has someone come out of an affair because their partner begged. WS's only seem to turn around when facing the loss of the LS. Now, you can choose to let your feelings rule and go through the begging and pleading which most likely won't work OR you can have those same feelings, but deal with your H in a manner that has been proven to work. The sooner you step up, the better.


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## Sas581011 (Mar 27, 2011)

Viv, I really feel for you but he is an a**h**e. My W left me and even as
a guy and in my wildest nightmares would I put my W through this BS. 
He is low life and i'm sorry money is not the way to any women's heart.
I know how tough it is, I tell you one thing though, you are strong. You don't
need him let me tell you, no Man deserves to be loved like you love unless
it is given in return. Get angry, it's normal but for him to suggest 
bringing her to the house I would get MAD. Charge darling, If it were me in
his shoes I would consider myself a pathetic human being. You are in my 
thoughts!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Wow. I was excited when I saw you were updating. This is insane. Its hard to even believe its so crazy.

I really have no advise for you, but I wish you the best. WOW.



> the day before we were supposed to move my H. called and told me that he doesn't want me and it's final.He has someone else in his life and he has been with her since January(maybe even December when he left me).So much for me thinking that he does not have an affair.


 THE DAY BEFORE!! Thats so messed up.

Best of luck.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

ANOTHER UPDATE :
You guys are not going to believe this BUT I'm back in the limbo.He is supposed to come get us on Wednesday.

I turned the world upside down in the past 3 days to have him back and supposedly for now it should happen...as you know my history nothing is sure until we are in the truck driving BUT he chose us.

So 3 days ago the day after I spoke to his GF and parents things turned around and I pleaded to him to think about it one more time.I told him I still want him back ...I know i'm completely crazy..I am ...I admit it ,what am I getting myself into ,can i really forgive.

He called we talked and he started opening up again,saying that he will be thinking hard,that he realizes that she is not for him because she will want kids one day,asked me If I really think I can forgive him and a bunch of things like that.Long story short he also met his parents that night and they told him I don't know what but he said that they've opened his eyes big time and that he does want his kids and family but he of course said that it's 100 % for the kids and if it was not for them he would not be back...I knew that....I also don't think I would have been that pushy if not for the kids. He said that he has not been physical with her and I told him that is why I am still pushing for him because i know that,I asked and he said that they even didn't kiss romantically,he said only one time he kissed her on the lips for hello....if i can believe all this BUT I kind of do.
So at the end he said he picks me and he met her that same night to tell her it's over.


It'll be a tough ride for me if he does get us finally,i'm fighting for his feelings ,he's I'm sure still in love with the OW but he hasn't seen me for 5 months so I can only hope once we start living together hes feeling will slowly come back to me.
The only problem I have now it's that they do work together,not every day but at least 2-3 times a week.My H. said he will request to be moved to another facility so he don't see her BUT he said that she will quit and probably move to another town where her parents are.


So guys YEAH let's wait and see if we are finally going to move on Wednesday or that'll be end of everything.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

WOW 2x

I hope you do end up in the truck on wednesday. Send him parents a big thank you one day if this all turns out.

He is still mostly scum for doing all of this, but attraction is natural. Without you and the kids there working on it and meeting eachothers needs, he bound to find someone. People get lonely. I'm sure you were. Again, it does excuse it, but hopefully everything ends up working out.

Best of luck


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Yeah anx,i know..crazy stuff.
so far so good ,he seems ok for now talks that he is excited to see me and the kids on Wednesday. looking for houses to buy for us...can't help but being nervous though,very nervous.

Yes his parents took a big part in all this,I will love these people no mater what happens.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

So what happened to thee OW?


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Don't know yet Jelly...I know he broke up with her that same night,saw her in person.He said she took 3 days off from work so she can go see her family.H. says he's sure she is going to quit work and ,she wanted to originally move closer to her family and he thinks that what she is going to do.
Let's hope that that's the case. i'm pretty sure she is pissed at him and won't talk to him.He already lied to her and I guess she also bit.ched about it so he saw that it's not all roses with her. I guess the fun was over after that, I mean she was probably full of doubts too.

Can you imagine if they stayed together what would be the story of how they met " Yeah hubby was married and he lied to me that he and his wife are divorcing and they actually weren't and because he's been lying to her too at the same time...isn't he romantic"....lol


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I hope the following humor isn't taken the wrong way, but I have to kind of laugh that the sign that he should get back together with you was a penny, BUT from what you said timing wise, he was seeing this OW at the same time?!?!?!

Irony or ridiculous or something else might be a better word than humor. 

Either way, hopefully he learned something from this. Maybe thats the silver lining. Maybe he's grown up a lot in the past week.

best of luck


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

anx...don't know.Yes he was definitely seeing her,I guess he needed a sign of which one he should pick and than found the coin....we're still not together. We'll see,he sounded very nervous last night,very short with me,again with the excuses that he's very tired.Don't know what to expect BUT he has been promising my daughter that he's definitely coming tomm and we are moving.If he has the heart to do this one more time to our daughter than it'll be on his conscience .I can expect anything from him at that point. :/


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I wouldn't put too much into him having cut it all off w/ her. It just seems hokey he could change like night to day, Viv. Also, you begging him is not the answer.

Get your self-respect back.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Well when I spoke to her she seemed pretty pissed at him for lying to her too,also it really seems like she doesn't want to continue if he is married ,I'm sure she won't talk to him now.She must be pissed that he lied to her the whole 4 months and than still picked me and broke up with her.She must be full of doubts about him already.BUT I do understand what you're saying Jelly ,everything is possible.I hope they discontinue their relationship....the least they could have continue it now but they /he chose not to.

He texted me and hour ago"can't wait to see you guys,my parents will be there on Thursday to watch the kids" ....so far so good.

Jelly I will fight for my respect later,we are definitely going to MC so the can of warms will be open there.In order for this to work I have to be willing to forgive and honestly I am willing for the kids and for me.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Also is it begging when I told him ;" it's not too late let's try to fix things ,i love you and will forgive you if you do it now"

it's more like convincing....or is it begging ?! I am seriously asking


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ That's not begging but you saying you'll work on your self-respect later isn't the way to go. You need to work on that now. 



vivea said:


> Can you imagine if they stayed together what would be the story of how they met " Yeah hubby was married and he lied to me that he and his wife are divorcing and they actually weren't and because he's been lying to her too at the same time...isn't he romantic"....lol


True because "I f-cked a maried man and he deserted his family and abandoned them to shack up with me" doesn't go so well over w/ a crowd. 



vivea said:


> Well when I spoke to her she seemed pretty pissed at him for lying to her too.


She is an idiot if she expected a married man wouldn't be lying to her.

You need to stick to your boundaries. What the consequences will be if he doesn't discontinue his affair and cut it off completely.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Ohhh i'm leaving jelly ,if they still see eachother i'm done.
They have not had sex and I believe that,knowing him I believe it, i know he is super shy and from his past i know he's always had a bad 1st times (including with me) so I know that he was not that pushy out of nervousness BUT also he said that she didn't want any physical until after divorce or something legal between us,she also said that when I called,i didn't even ask her.
That is why i was pushy to have him back ...although i would prefer if they were physical rather than emotional affair. :/

Can you tell me what exactly you mean by "to gain self-respect",what should i do in this situation .
I have told him already that he can not see her or talk to her and only because they work together i said that he is only allowed to say Hi and Bye to her if needed...so I set my boundaries.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

vivea said:


> Can you tell me what exactly you mean by "to gain self-respect",what should i do in this situation .
> I have told him already that he can not see her or talk to her and only because they work together i said that he is only allowed to say Hi and Bye to her if needed...so I set my boundaries.


What other boundaries are there? Is transparency included? Will he try to get a new job if she doesn't leave? Will he write the no contact letter and hand it to you to mail? How did you word everything you presented to him? Were you asking him nicely or stating your needs? You need to be crystal clear about you boundaries. He should know they're not optional.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

We have not talked about transparency yet,i plan on that when we move there but i don't want to be pushy at 1st.
When i told him all of the above about no seeing her I made is as a nice statement,I didn't say "would you pleas not see her while i'm there" i said "if we get back together you know that you can not see her anymore right,no phone calls ,no texts" he answered "ohhh of course" with the intonation of his voice was like "absolutely not don't worry"
He said himself that he is going to ask to be transferred to the other facility,his company has 3 facilities in the town so he can work at the other one. He also said that she will quit and move to her family...
He also said that if he says no to her she will definitely not speak to him ever again.I can only hope that that'll be the case.

BUT let's first move and that I'll go from there,it's still not late for him to get cold feet for the 5th time (eye roll)




> Will he write the no contact letter and hand it to you to mail?


Didn't get that ,can u tell me what do you mean?


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

vivea said:


> Didn't get that ,can u tell me what do you mean?


He would write her a letter saying they needed to cease all contact because he's working on his marriage and is in love with you. He'd hand you the letter and you'd approve it then mail it yourself.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

whereamI... that kind of letter will be impossible unless suggested form a MC to both of us. Plus he has feelings for her  he can't say he's in love with me...at least not yet,when we see each other he might snap out of it...i hope and pray.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

No, that "kind of letter" isn't impossible.

If he is truly committed to you, he will completely end it with her and tell her NO MORE, he is going home to his wife and doesn't want an affair with her anymore, that she needs to back off and respect his decision.

Re: your self-respect.... you get that back by telling him This is his last hcance. If he f-cks it up again, you are completely done. And you need to tell him you are NOT going to wait fo rhim to make a decision. That he is either in the marriage or not. NO ROOM for wiggling. You get it? State your boundaries and back them up with actions.

A lot of people say they won't tolerate something but via actions prove otherwiwse... i.e. "Honey I am done with you if yu're cheating on me" and then later sleeping with them or telling them "ok, you did it again but I'm still here for you while you figure it out."

NO WAY.

Please don't forget just a few days ago you posted he wanted YOUR blessing to bring her to YOUR home so he and her can have sex.

THAT IS LUDICROUS.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Well with the blessing,it's not exactly like that ,i said it as a form of expression BUT he said he wants to include her fully in his life and for her to have a relationship with his kids and he wanted for us to be civil and talk and he wanted to date her officially ...BUT because she didn't want to have sex with him or kiss him until I am his past ....I expressed myself in "they want my blessing ".

Which is BS because they have been hanging out which means they have been dating BUT i guess they haven't done it officially.

With the letter we will see,he did say he's over with her and as of now he's coming back to me to see if it'll work out.I did say to him that if he is coming back with the "well I'll see if it works out ,if not i'll back with her' than it's not going to work because he'll be sabotaging the whole thing .He said that he is noth thinking that way...


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Ohhh God i think we should stop the discussion for the moment....he is not here yet and I don't want to jinx it because before i talked too much and here i am still here and him still there....
Let's just hope that he'll do the right thing and once i move there we'll talk more about what to do .
thank you so much guys for the help ,i 'll keep you updated


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well "blessing" or not, Viv, he asked you if it was ok to bring the woman who is helping him destroy your marriage into your home so you can OK them dating while you're married and told you he hasn't and won't sleep with her til you give him the Ok.

And by asking, he did that cause he thought youw ould say it was fine. That is how far gone he is in the head. I think my father would have a heart attack before ever uttering those words to my mother, asking if it's ok for him to bring his mistress into the marital ok so she can ok them dating.

That is insane. 

That is how little he respects you right now.

You need to "woman" up.


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

On 04-28-2011, he wanted to introduce your kids to the OW and now on 05-03-2011, you guys are looking for houses? Ummmm, okay.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ I love your avatar, Kathy. What is it?


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> ^ I love your avatar, Kathy. What is it?


It's a stair case/walk way ascending over clouds. 

I love your avatar too JB, it always makes me wanna go to my local candy shop and purchase some pina colada flavored jelly beans


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ Who is the person walking on the staircase? Male? Female?

Oh you like my jellybeans?  They make me hungry for sweets! LOL


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Believe me I'm not crazy to not see how absurd that is BUT since 26th until now a ton of things have happened including HER being pissed at him for lying to her.i'm sure that was their 1st fight ,he saw that she can be bit*ch*y too ...not so attractive all of a sudden I'm thinking.

I will not see how much he respects me or disrespects me until I start living with him.We both agreed that we are getting back together to fix our marriage it NOT for me to shut up and have him do whatever he wants.i 'm sure he knows what he's up to.His parents are very smart people I'm sure the words of wisdom they've said to him will be with him a very long time.

As I said,i won't let him walk all over me BUT I can't be bit.chy and demanding at that stage...his kids need him and we need to get back together now rather than a few months later. He asked me a few times already if i'm sure i can forgive him,he's told me also that he thinks that I will never trust him again so getting back with me for him was a lost cause. I told him I'll do everything possible to forgive, the situation is really Fu.cked up but I also have to learn to forgive,if he does it again though I'll be out.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

vivea said:


> As I said,i won't let him walk all over me BUT I can't be bit.chy and demanding at that stage...his kids need him and we need to get back together now rather than a few months later. He asked me a few times already if i'm sure i can forgive him,he's told me also that he thinks that I will never trust him again so getting back with me for him was a lost cause. I told him I'll do everything possible to forgive, the situation is really Fu.cked up but I also have to learn to forgive,if he does it again though I'll be out.


Sending a NC letter to the OW is not *****y. It's the best way for him to confirm that he's ended things. Let's be honest, you have no idea if he's actually stopped seeing her. You have no idea if he'll continue to strike up conversations and get his fix of the OW while at work. If he's talking to her _at all_, you will not be able to repair this marriage. 

When he continually asks you if you're going to be able to forgive, what he's really wondering is how far he's going to have to go to earn your trust back. Your answer shouldn't be a "yes." Your answer should be, "If you're willing to be transparent, maintain no contact with the OW, and give me 100% of your affection, then I'm willing to work as hard as I can to forgive. It will take time, but I'm sure we can get there." 

You are going into this with the wrong frame of mind. If you don't set boundaries RIGHT AWAY he will do whatever he pleases. You need to respect yourself before he'll respect you.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Yes, viv, No Contact letter all the way. Treat this like what it is, REAL adultery. This isn't some insignificant or it doesn't count since they didn't have sex, kind of thing. This is REAL. And you need to treat it like so. Including a 180, even when you are back with him. I can see your fear and hesitation, but he needs to prove that he's in it for the right reasons. Not just because his family made him feel bad.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

OK the letter let's say we do it,what about he gives some fake address and I send it...how am i going to know if it's her address ?!

As for the other things of course i will make sure he understands,he said himself though that he doesn't want to see her and wants to be transferred,i will not get to the bottom of all this until we sit and talk. The phone conversations where we don't look at each others faces are pointless for discussions like that ..so i have to wait...but i will make sure I say all these things WhereI am ...
If you personally know me you would know that I am not that kind of woman to tolerate that kind of behavior and i will stand my ground.
I just want to freaking see him face to face!

Is it really going to happen tomorrow.....let's see.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

vivea said:


> OK the letter let's say we do it,what about he gives some fake address and I send it...how am i going to know if it's her address ?!


I like to call it "the google machine." It works wonders.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

People Search by ZabaSearch - Honestly Free People Search is good. Gives any address used. Send multiple copies, haha!


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> ^ Who is the person walking on the staircase? Male? Female?
> 
> Oh you like my jellybeans?  They make me hungry for sweets! LOL


Supposed to be a uni-sex kinda thing but the person that made it said it's a woman


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> ^ I love your avatar, Kathy. What is it?


Looks like the album cover of Korn's _Follow The Leader_. 

Google Image Result for http://wycked1.tripod.com/korncd3.jpg

I've been reading this thread and well..I don't know what to say. I thought MY situation was bizarre! :scratchhead:

Vivea, I can't say I am in a position to judge _anything_ or anyone right now. My gut reaction to reading all this is that I couldn't put myself though the situation you are in. But I have my own situation. 

My husband is sober 6 weeks now. Needless to say, we get along much better but we still have our problems. I guess the biggest shock is that so many of the problem that I THOUGHT were gone years ago have resurfaced now that my husband is no longer drinking. Many in my situation would have little to do with him after all that we've been though so again, who am I to judge or compare? I can only say that I wish you the best of luck.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Freak...we miss you girl,where did you go ?!
So glad things have changed with your H. .Yeah my story is crazy,I'm sure there will be plenty once we move in together.

Well he called tonight,mood was OK,he said he'll be here tomm at 2 pm,so i can only hope .


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

vivea said:


> Freak...we miss you girl,where did you go ?!
> So glad things have changed with your H. .Yeah my story is crazy,I'm sure there will be plenty once we move in together.
> 
> Well he called tonight,mood was OK,he said he'll be here tomm at 2 pm,so i can only hope .


I'm stunned with all the turn of events. I wish you luck with everything turning out how you want it to. I'm stunned - I can't think of another word!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

vivea said:


> Freak...we miss you girl,where did you go ?!
> So glad things have changed with your H. .


Things are definitely better with my H in that he has stopped drinking. In many ways he's a lot like his "old" self and at least now that he's sober I feel we can have some sort of relationship again and actually sit down and discuss things rationally (more or less). We've spent quite a few weekends together, both alone and with the kids and it's gone quite well. I can honestly say that we are enjoying each other's company again. 

Now for the "BUT". The "But" is that now that he's sober a lot of the problems we had years ago have resurfaced. Unfortunately, while he addressed his drinking he never has gone and addressed the underlying reasons for it. He's still not quite "right". He has a strange "Me First" attitude that is reminiscent of a child that I find unsettling and troubling. In some ways he's worse than he once was before but it's not affecting me as much because we don't live with each other. The separation is what's keeping things from getting out of control because we can both retreat to our own places rather than be fighting and in conflict like we once were. 

I don't see us living together anytime soon..if ever. It's one thing we both agree on: That we'd be driving each other crazy and tearing each other apart if we moved back in with one another. 

First of all, even if we did want to move in each other, we couldn't because my kids are in the school system where I live in my apartment. He is living in his father's house (now I guess it's his house) but the school system is awful. Plus, I don't want to live in the town or house he is in. I like having my own place. I don't have plans to give that up. 

I always liked the idea of us being in separate residences and "dating" and rebuilding our relationship into what it SHOULD have been in the beginning. I'm more than willing to put the past behind us and work towards a better future. He says he feels the same but I get the distinct impression that he still harbors a LOT of anger and resentment towards me about the past. I think it's one reason he doesn't want or care about having a healthy sex life as a married couple. 

I have outlined my current situation here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/25049-sexless-seattle.html

Sad thing is, if we had the social and sex life we had while he was still drinking NOW it would be an awesome relationship! In many ways things are great now because I've changed a lot for the better and deal with things in a much more constructive manner and am much calmer than I once was when it comes to many things. Problem is, we just can't seem to get it together. Life is cruel like that, isn't it?


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

OMG, Freak, good to see you are alive and well, and things have settled a bit between you & your H, missed ya girl


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

We even made a where is Freak thread! *hugs* Glad to see you're ok! x

V, You are the only one who knows how you feel and you will do what feels right for you, we can't tell you, I am scared for as you know, but I have very little faith in our cheating spouses, I am hoping against hope that he does the right thing x


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hiiiiiiiii Freak & Mad!!!


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## Oak (Mar 21, 2011)

Viv....ugh. UGH. I feel for you. Limbo is the WORST! I hope you get some closure soon one way or another. If things started turning around on me right now I honestly would just check myself into an institution and be done with it lol


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

AmImad said:


> We even made a where is Freak thread! *hugs* Glad to see you're ok! x


:lol: :rofl: Oh..you gotta link that. 

Well, it's all in in the http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/25049-sexless-seattle.html thread. I will say that at least my husband hasn't cheated from what I can see. His lack of interest in sex had me thinking but his reaction is "Are you kidding? Have ANOTHER woman in my life? Do I look nuts?" I know him well enough to see that he's genuine and he has a real scorn towards people who cheat on their marriage. We have a mutual friend who did that and my husband totally shunned him based on that. I just don't see him going that route. 

No, it's not another woman. The man has turned into a Monk. :wtf: I guess as painful as it's been for you Vivea at least you KNOW and can make the appropriate decisions based on this knowledge. I always say "Knowledge is Power". 

I guess to sum it up..I'm pretty much where I was before except I have an H who is sober and a bit nicer but things have fallen short of what I was hoping and expecting but they have and could be worse.

At least he has a nice boat for me to hang out on at Lake George. I gotta give him credit, he did good on that one. :smthumbup: At least he's spending his money on good things instead of booze. Bought my daughter a brand new car too so his heart is in the right place. I sure wish his libido was! Anyone have any tips on good vibrators? :scratchhead:

Well, at least it's spring now. I took the hard doors off the Jeep and soon the top will be down. Things can't be all bad, can they?


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Freak, you HAVE to go read what AmI has been up to. SERIOUSLY! You've missed so much. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/23350-where-our-freak.html


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

My signature always has lyrics that pertain to my life. 

The newest lyrics are:

YouTube - Avenged Sevenfold - Victim - Lyrics

*House full of roses
A letter on the stairs
A tape full of messages
For anyone who cares
Collage of broken words
and stories full of tears
Remembering your life
Cause we wish that you were here

Nothing is harder
Than to wake up all alone
Realize it's not okay
It's the end of all you know
Time keeps passing by
But it seems I'm frozen still
Scars are left behind
But some too deep to feel

And some say this can't be real
And I've lost my power to feel tonight
We're all just victims of a crime
When alls gone and can't be regained
We can't seem to shelter the pain inside
We're all just victims of a crime

Some days you'll find me
In the place I like to go
Ask questions to myself
'Bout the things I'll never know
What's left to find
'Cause I need a little more
I need a little time
Can we even up the score?

And some say this can't be real
And I've lost my power to feel tonight
We're all just victims of a crime
When alls gone and can't be regained
We can't seem to shelter the pain inside
We're all just victims of a crime

And nothing lasts forever
For all good things it's true
I'd rather trade it all
For somehow saving you
And must have been the season
That threw us out of line
Once i stood so tall
Now I'm searching for a sign

So don't need your salvation
With promises and kind
And all those speculation
Save it for another time
Cause we all need a reason
A reason just to stay
Some just can't be bothered
To stick around another day

And some say this can't be real
And I've lost my power to feel tonight
We've all been victims of a crime
When all is gone and can't be regained
we cant seem to shelter the pain inside (oh)
We've all been victims of a crime
Victims of a crime
Living with this crime

I'm missing you
I'm missing you
I'm missing you
I'm missing you*

BTW, if you like Avenged Sevenfold or don't know them then check out their latest album "Nightmare" it is by far the BEST album of 2010. :smthumbup:


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

LonelyNLost said:


> Freak, you HAVE to go read what AmI has been up to. SERIOUSLY! You've missed so much.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/23350-where-our-freak.html


Hey thanks! I thought you were kidding! :rofl: Wow...I'm touched! *sniff* I think you guys love me more than my H does! 

I am slowly getting "updated". I see that AmIMad is doing VERY well and I give her my best wishes! She's seems to be doing a LOT better than I am!  :smthumbup: I found her "update" thread and will give my usual tongue-in-cheek measured response. 

When my husband turned sober and the weather got warmer I stopped logging on for a time but I seem to be missing the support and camaraderie of those who are here. Funny how you can get so attached to a group of people you never even met. Welcome to the Cyber-family!


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Ok final update you guys.
He came picked us up,we lived in a house for a few days,it was hard as hell,had some very optimistic convos and even dragged me to look for houses to buy...only to find out that he has been talking to her the whole time.I did email her 2 times,she called 2 times pretending she understand and is moving on BUT still she has been picking up the phone when he was calling.Long story short last night he came and told me it's over and it's final and he wants a divorce because he is in love with her and that's about it.

He dragged us all the way from GA and in the end the selfish bastard kicked me in the gut for the 10th time.Now packing..AGAIN...and leaving back to GA in 10 days,today he took most of his things and went to sleep at his buddy's house .I have never experienced so much selfishness,you would think that I was the cheater in this situation ,he looks at me with so much resentment and anger...I just can't believe what he's done to all of us.
To top it all of i sent HER one last email to inform her that she officially grabs the prize for home wrecker of the year and that she has to live till the rest of her life with the thought that she broke a family of 4 and took the father of 2 innocent children,told her to have fun living with that thought.2 hrs later she called bit.ch.ing at me and trying to convince me that she had nothing to do with my failed marriage and that he also lied to her ,than i asked her why did you continue talking to him on the phone when i came here to save my marriage...she denied and says that he has been calling her it was not her trying to contact him (yeah OK),than i told her that she shouldn't have picked up the phone...it was that easy.So i still maintained that she is a home wrecker and that's about it,she started swearing at me and we called each other some very pretty names but the last words were mine and I hung up lol.

Now because of all this things I have been telling her about him apparently she does not want to be with him and he hates me for that,he is crushed and miserable and i enjoy that.I do believe that he will try to get her back once the divorce if final and that is why he is in a hurry,wants to finish it by the end of next month,willing to give me everything..which is good and I'll grab the opportunity and pay for my own lawyer because he also has one.
So yeah finally THE END of 6 months of torture,have waves of sadness but not as bad as December,i do have a little appetite and cry far less...of course i know it could hit me any time but i'm optimistic.I just saw what he's turned into, saw his true colors ,my amazing and sweet husband is dead it is just his body walking...still have feelings for him but they are fading and ope will get better when I don't have to see him anymore.Time for a new life and new chapter.Sad for the kids but hope they will grow happy when Mom is happy.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

WOW!

Thats insane! I really don't have anything to say other than good luck.

I don't even understand how people can get THAT messed up.

Edit: silver lining might be that you'll get a great settlement and a chance at finding someone who actually loves you and doesn't treat a wife like this.


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## lost_&_trying (Apr 4, 2011)

Totally agree w/ anx. Of all the heartless, cowardly, selfish, piece of crap ways to treat the one you're married to. Can't believe how this has unfolded for you Vivea. We're all hurting for you for what he's done, but know that you're coming out the stronger one.


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

Vivea I have followed your thread since I started logging on at this website about 3 months ago, when my own relationshop problems started. Your attitude has really helped me.

I am so sorry that things have turned out this way, when you had waited for so long. 

Of course you now see him for what he really is, and I hope this continues to help you move forward. Do look after yourself, and I hope you continue to heal.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Viv--get a lawyer fast. 

If he is willing to give you "everything"...TAKE IT!! Seriously becaused waywards will change their mind quickly once reality sets in and they realize what they're about to lose in terms of financial and material. 

He won't feel the loss of you yet until you completely block him offl.

he is POS. I would not speak to him ay longer unless ti's about the kids and the divorce.

I am glad you told the homewrecker what was whatl. She will forever have those words ingrained her head about her breaking up a family and have it on her conscious.

GOOD.

Get a lawyer, girl!


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

jelly ...absolutely,i called today a lawyer i spoke to before but later my SIL reminded me it's Saturday today ...yeah i lost a track of time i'm in a fog right now.
BUT i am getting a lawyer,he has one so i have to have one too...it's just a little complicated because we resided in different places over the last 6 months and I may have to hire a lawyer from our last residence together,because his lawyer is from there and i think he told him that...don't know it's complicated but i'll find someone.
know he has been hiding cash for the past 6 months and the deposit box it's in his buddys name ,i asked him yesterday to take me there but he didn't of course...so i know it's a lost cause but i told him i'm taking one of his motorcycles than.Uhggg i hate doing that,i'm not that kind of person BUT i know i have to fight for my children and take as much as possible.hope he won't change his mind from what he promised me...or else i will have to stall the divorce.

Thanks guys,I'm still in shock and will have bad moments for a while,I'm sure.It just sucks how sh.itty he left us and has no remorse.he will never apologize sincerely...so fu..ck..ing selfish.All morning he's calling to find out how I'm doing ,telling me he will hurry after work to come and play with the kids.Gosh 10 more days of this horror and i'm out of here back to my family.his parents called today and asked me to stay here,that they will help and everything BUT i can't ,i know that i will be waiting for him like that for a long time and i can not do this to myself anymore.I'm just so down and miserable at the moment,i desperately need to move on..at least a step forward,if i can only have a normal sleep i'll appreciate that.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

To me it's pretty clear that you have strong feelings for him as you should for your spouse. I'm just curious if there were any type of rules/boundaries in place for any possible reconciliation? Sorry I haven't read your entire thread but it's my honest opinion that waywards should have to come back under some pretty strict guidelines. You were not the one who broke vows, trust, and everything else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Love you, Victoria! Hang in there, hun. You will be just fine without him. Hugs!


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## denise1218 (Dec 24, 2010)

Viv--- I am so sorry your husband (soon to be ex) did that to you and your children. I have read your posts from the beginning and I was so happy for you when you thought you and your husband were going to reconcile. I was envious of you...actually I was envious of quite a few of you guys on here....(Crank, Iammad to name a few)...because you were either moving on with your life or establishing a better relationship with the spouse. I stopped reading and posting because I still can't seem to get past this. Believe me...I am trying.... I have alot to be thankful for...and I know that I don't need him in my life to be happy....it is just that I WANT him in my life. I am not sure...but I think he may have a girlfriend....that really sucks. For that last 5 months I have been going thru the motions. I just want my heart to stop aching for him. Even though he has treated me like crap these last few months....I would take him back...no questions asked. I dont know what hurts the most....my husband not wanting me or my husband moving on with his life without me as if I never existed. I HATE feeling like this....


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## BluePink (Apr 2, 2011)

I also have been following Vivea's story in hopes that mine might work out as hers had been. I feel so very sad for you and I totally understand why you broke down and begged him. 

As I sit here writing this I am thinking of my own H who's out of state visiting his family. He only has called me once a day while he's been gone and one night didn't call at all. I came here to read because I had to fight the desire to text or call him.

It hurts so badly that he doesn't think of me or miss me. But for you, your husband leading you on this way, telling you he was going to move back...OMG, I can't even fathom the depth of your pain.

Don't kick yourself about begging him. Simply pick yourself up and try again to put one foot in front of the other. You do have your children to live for and heal for. For people like me, whose child/ren are already grown, it's very difficult to find reasons to carry on. I am surprised I haven't heard anyone talk about wanting to end their lives because of the pain.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

OK what has happened since I last posted :

Well i found his prepaid phone that he used to contact her while we were together ,i was sick to see the way they were talking to eachother.
These are some of the text he's been exchanging with her while he was still with me and was texting me similar love messages at the same time :

her: "kisses to you lover, all over your face,i miss you"
him: - "babe can't wait to be in your arms.kisses"
her: "babe I miss you " him - i miss you more
her: i love you D.
her: " what do u want for Christmas? "(him )- "you with a bow"
her " hey babe i miss you so much ,i reached out for you and you were not there" means they have been sleeping together.
him" don't wait for me to eat ,you won't hurt my feelings" another proof they have been living together
him" hey babe will stop by at MP after work to exchange your present and to go to the grocery store,what do you want me to pick up for you ,can't wait to see you .kisses
him: can't wait to be in your arms soon


pretty sick huh ? and we were intimate 2 times after these texts,I was so grossed out and just devastated finding out that he has obviously been having a serious relationship with her weeks before he's told me he wants out.

Also found a video of both of them in bed ,not sexual but she was on the phone under covers in bed and he was next to her and was filming her while she had no idea... also pretty sick.
----------------------------
So after all this I needed so extra recovery time.Cried for days...it was horrible to find these,i know I was looking for them but still was hoping it was not that bad.

Well I'm in GA right now and he is in SC .I had a really hard time deciding where to go because of the kids and 2 days before move day i told him I might want to stay,instead of him being excited since that is what he wanted ...he declined,said i need to heal and than may be one day i can go back there with the kids.Really...he cared about me ....noooot .The jerk hardly spent any time with the kids while we were there,he even lied one of the day that he is working because he didn't want to deal with the kids.
Can you believe it.So the truth is he didn't want to deal with the kids,he wants to be free.

Long story short he said he'll be visiting the kids a lot ,every week or at least every other week so he can prove to me that it was not the kids that he doesn't want ...that he indeed loves them more than anything .
Well for this month he only came for 2 days (1 night) spend time with kids a total of 10 hrs...not bad but he refused to take the oldest to sleep with him in the hotel ,and she was so excited about it. 
Now oldest keeps asking him when she can see him and he keeps telling her he needs to check his schedule ...liar.

I have been waiting for him to file for the divorce but now he's not in a hurry anymore because apparently the OW dumped him because she saw that he's a liar and because of all the horrible things i have told her about him,he's very bitter about it,he's blaming me that i have destroyed his relationship with her...yep it's all my fault,he doesn't see what he's done wrong...that he's a lying cheating POS. 

So I'm calling my lawyer tomm and we will be filing now,I have warned him .He also refused to disclose all financial statements that i have requested about 2 months ago and I asked the lawyer to get them.I'm going after his A S S full force.

-----------------------------
My personal progress :Well in the last 2-3 weeks i have stopped emailing about what has happened and why did he do it crap.I'm strictly business with him....it's not that I'm still not seeking answers and I still miss him and cry and it's still hard to live everyday life BUT there is a big progress.I smile and can laugh and enjoy my kids again,I know what date we are and what year because before I would not be able to tell you for the life of me.
So life does get better and I'm healing .


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I really wish you the best. He put you through so much for no reason. He played you both at the same time.

Good to hear you are getting better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Thanks anx,appreciate your help through it all.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

vivea said:


> Thanks anx,appreciate your help through it all.


I'm sorry this creep has the power to hurt you still but the good people here will help you heal. Take care!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

When i first joined this site I read your story right through Vivea and have been looking for an update ever since. I am sad for you that things have turned out so bad, but I am hopeful for you now, as you seem to have turned a corner again and are going forward. 

You can now start a new life with no lies! (OH and as with most people, there was OW in my story, and I was taken well in for 2nd time) It does not help your situation, but take a little comfort from it.


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## Oak (Mar 21, 2011)

Hey Viv, just wanted to say I was thinking about you. I too started off my time on the boards reading your story and hoping for your eventual reconciliation. Although the situation has spiraled, I am very grateful you know the truth and are in a position to really better your life.

As an aside, I am in Savannah GA so toss me a wave if you pass through  Originally from Atlanta and I get up there every couple weeks, but I do enjoy the coast!

Take care!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hi Viv. I am glad to hear a new update.

Sorry to hear you found out it was more involved than waht you thought. It almost always is.  Remember when she lied to you and said they only worked together? What a hag. 

Can you file for the divorce yourself?


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Well I was just served 2 hrs ago. i have to tell you guys it hurts like hell,I can't stop crying and I am very surprised of the way i fell....Was i still having a hope....really?! Or I am just mourning the end of my life as i know it because now i can see the official end is coming.
I also feel that I would have felt better if I served him because it would have felt like i reject him now BUT now I feel rejected all over again.

Than you guys for the kind words, the horror still continues ...i know i will feel better in a few days but today is not a good day as I'm hurting.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Before going through my stuff I never understood how much it can hurt and how long it can hurt for.

Best of luck. I went on antidepressants recently for this separation and they have helped tremendously. I'm not sure I would be functioning without them right now. 

Try to stay strong and talk often to many people. It really does help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Did you get a lawyer?

I know the shock of being served SUCKS but check it out--it happened and it's over and you survived it. 

Protect yourself and your children.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

anx...did you separate again??????


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Yes jelly I have a lawyer and called him to tell him on his VM.I'm expecting him to contact me now to tell me what to do .
I'm definitely trying my best to get out of this in the best possible way...financially.I have 2 kids that will rely on me now.F-er is pissed at me now that he has to pay anything at all,and his paycheck is pretty large and I supported him through school and everything.
I hate that I have to deal with this now ,like the emotional side is not enough.But yeah the sooner we are done with it all the better and I suspect the healing will be more productive.
How are you doing jelly ?! Are you over it all,how long has it been since divorce?PLS give me some hope.


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## Oak (Mar 21, 2011)

Viv,

This is the first day of true recovery girl. Now that the process is in the works for real and officially you can start marking things off the list and counting the days.

For me, once I knew I was getting divorced I was able to heal. Every day from this point on you are working towards a goal, not an uncertainty. Once I got to the court date I was resolved and emotionally stable.

Yes it sucks. And yes it hurts, but not forever. Focus on what you and your kids need. Use your lawyer to make sure you get what is fair regardless. 

Yes, there is hope. It WILL get better each day.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Oak thank you for the encouragement. 
I was talking to a friend , I really think I would have been better if he actually died. Because I wouldn't have seen that he is capable to do this to me and his children and in my next relationship I would not be having trust issues( i hope i won't but..)
At the same time I'm happy he's not dead because of the girls, they would want to know their father. 

I have lived through so much horror in the past 6 months I can't believe I'm still breathing .

Can you tell me if i will have to see him when we have to sign.No idea how it works,so after everything is settled with the finances and kids we get a court date and we both have to go ?


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## Oak (Mar 21, 2011)

I think that depends on whether it is contested or not, and then on the state you are filing within.

For Georgia in an uncontested divorce you file your paper work and then have a 31 day "consent to try" after which there is a hearing. The person who FILED for the divorce (or is asking for it) is required to be present at that hearing, but the other spouse is not. I went to mine because I like to do things the hard way I guess  Honestly I just felt like I should be there. We started together, we finish it together, and move on together. Anyway, my situation was different. We sat together, had a good conversation, and shook hands on the courthouse steps. 

For a CONTESTED divorce, I do not know if both parties will need to be present. Honestly if you agree on the settlement issues and custody, I doubt it will be necessary or required, because that document will be signed and official beforehand. However if the judge has to decide those details for you because you cannot reach a mutual agreement you will likely be there with your attorney and he will be there with his.

Because I bypassed the serving part (we filed together) I am not sure how that affects things. In the papers you received, are there proposals for custody and alimony ext?

EDIT: And P.S. you are very welcome as always. I often feel like my marriage died instead of my wife left me. I do not hold any malice against her, and I did not toss my ring into the sewer or anything; I put it away with the rest of the mementos, as they are part of my life's history. One day I may have to explain to someone what the hell I did between age 21 and 31, and I am not ashamed to have visual aides lol...


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

No idea Oak ,I read the papers 2 times and there are papers for child support based on GA calculations .And yes he filed in GA since we resided here for years. 
And we are going for uncontested but we'll see since he's been hiding some cash in a deposit box and there are financial things he doesn't agree on...i only want half and apparently he doesn't think i deserve the half...unbelievable...so hopefully he will not make things difficult since i would much rather spend the money on our children than give it to the lawyers But ...we shall see.

So it does get better after you sign ....do you still have hope ? I hate the feeling of hope,you kind of think you don't hope and than the papers come an I find out i have been hoping...like i had no idea....so weird .Even after divorce I'm afraid I will be unconsciously hoping a miracle happens and he turns to God or something and realizes what he's done and agrees to be exorcised lol. Don't know ,I know i don't want im back,he's a lying cheating POS...and yet i still have feelings for him. Ughhh.

And if you come to ATL I would love to meet you for a drink so we can talk,i think it'll be nice to meet a RL person that goes through the same.


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## Oak (Mar 21, 2011)

Well it sounds like this will be uncontested unless YOU choose to contest it. Or unless you decide to file for cause on your own (which would totally be an option if he does not agree on the terms.) Basically if he gets stubborn you can file under adultery, which from what I hear in GA means he is pretty screwed if you have evidence. And it sounded like you did.

Safety deposit contents can be frozen and audited somehow if I remember correctly. Just make sure it is brought up to the attorney. 

As for hope? I have plenty of hope Viv, but it does not involve my ex-wife. Well that is not true. I hope we both find happiness. I hope one day years from now we run into each other, and we are content and satisfied. And that we can be happy with each other's successes. If I really want to dream, I would dream that one day down the road we can be friends on some level. Maybe our kids could play together. Who knows. 

But as far as our relationship rekindling? That is not something I hope for right now. And I do not think it would be fair for me to keep that hope alive while I meet new people. No, I am done and she is done. At this point what I miss is my friend, but I am sure that kind of relationship will develop when I meet someone else special.

Absolutely, a vent session and a drink are always welcome.  Lonely mentioned the FB group and I am going to try and get hooked up with you folks there, but I will send you mine in a pm as well.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Yeah ,my lawyer told me that it's good that I have evidence and I actually do.Pretty solid on that! Haven't seen my lawyer yet so he didn't explain what could that be helpful for but sounds good now that you say that.

The safety deposit is a history now,he knows I know and took everything out now...it's a mess but for the past month I have been asking him to provide all financial statements since Last August and so far i have seen nothing and i think we can track how much cash he's been taking out of the accts .He obviously has a lot to hide since he has failed to provided me with these.So I'm asking the lawyer to issue a subpoena and get all of the info.

And YES please join our small but fun and very supportive group,hope to meet you there.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Yes I'm separated again. When my wife moved back in she was still working her traumatic job. She got a new one and at the same time told me in mc that the marriage was in a good spot, loved me, and wanted to be married. 2 weeks later she is heading to her parents and telling me she can't stand my touch, doesn't know if she loves me like a wife, and that she isn't physically attracted to me. I'm not blameless in any of this, but was taken back by the shift in 2 weeks between what I was being told. I can't respond to something that I don't understand or she doesn't understand yet.

Things are pretty good now, but the loneliness eats at me. dates have been fun but still bumpy at times. 

I'm still 100% in this and doing anything I can. I have refocused a ton on my faith and have been more than blessed in all the other areas of my life. 

I know what you mean about love. Even when I have felt lied to or treated like garbage I still love my wife deeply.I hope the end of your story works out well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

so sorry anx...you're back in the limbo 
Yeah my stbx said the same to me ,that he's no longer attracted to me and 2 weeks before that he was all over me and excited to kiss me and have sex with me...I didn't understand how is that possible ...but i guess it is.Well in my case there was OW at that time so it was not hard for him to lose attraction for me.
Wish you all the best anx,if you want to keep trying I hope for the best for you.This horror has to end at one point though,one can't live like that.
hugs


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I'm still 100% in it until she cheats or the big D. I think we'll work out. I really hope your healing goes well and you potentially find someone who will put the same effort, dedication, and love into a marriage that you did.

I've learned so much about what it takes to make a relationship work. You have what it takes. Your stbx is a serial cheater. His next relationship will fail for the same reason unless he changes when he goes through another issue then. It's still strange that he is following the same story his father did. I don't understand how people grow up with the pain of divorce and repeat the same thing with their kids.

Best of luck and God bless. I'll always remember the penny story. Lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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