# increase in sex drive, decrease in hubby's



## Carron36 (Jun 2, 2010)

My husband and I have a good relationship in all aspects except our sex life. Over the past few years his sex drive has declined ("it's my age, it's not you" --is the usual rejection). He still appreciates sexy lingerie or when I initiate sex so I don't think it's a matter of him not being attracted to me anymore. (we've talked about this and he insists that he is...) I thought about breast augmentation for years and finally did it a month ago hoping this will help spark some interest as well.
I want more sex and want to spice it up a bit too, different places, different positions....I've never thought of my husband as a prude, but...
So far I've been really patient and loving about this subject and that's getting me nowhere. I don't want to be a ***** about it because that just creates more problems.
Can someone suggest an approach that won't damage his ego but will get his head out of his @*! at the same time?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Hmmmm, how old are you , and how old is he? Men slowly loose a little testosterone each year as they age, and us women generally get less inhibited as we age, so the tables turn. Plus if men are stressed on their jobs, any kind of relationship troubles, it can affect their drives. Not getting enough sleep also could do this. 

Do you feel it is possible he has any kind of Physical problem? Loss of sex drive can be Hormonal, Physical issues & he is shying away from embarrassment or Relational/emotional. 

When my drive went up , I was floored I wanted it more than my husband- for the 1st time in our lives. I was so bothered , I made him an appointment with an Encronologist (kinda funny looking back) to get his hormines checked. He was fine, but on the lower end of normal. I made sure he got more sleep at night, I improved his diet, watching what I packed for his lunches, how I cooked, and became very seductive to entice him, trying new things. It has all played out well for us. 

Just how much MORE are you wanting it -than him? Is he outrightly denying taking care of you?


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Age is no excuse as many elderly people enjoy very fulfilling sex lives. I would sit him down and let him know how important it is to you feel that you are both satisfied and let him know what that looks like to you. Make sure this is done outside the bedroom and that you lay it out that as of today you aren't feeling satisfied, but that you have hopes of working through that with him.


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## Carron36 (Jun 2, 2010)

i'm 45 and he's 51...he's been using his age as the reason for the 
decrease since he was about 47 or 48. I understand how hormones come into play, but this is really affecting my self-confidence and how I feel about him. 
Truthfully, I would be content with once a week (though I'd like it to be more, he knows I'd be thrilled with once a week.) Right now it 
averages out to once every 4 to 6 weeks. 
I like your suggestions about his diet and helping him to get more sleep though. I never considered taking an active role in affecting either of those as a way to improve his energy level. Especially with two 8 year olds...my attitude has always been that he's an adult, let him go to bed if he's tired...I've got 2 children and myself to take care of first. BUT....it is definitely worth the effort, thank you!


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## Carron36 (Jun 2, 2010)

are there any guys who can give me a man's perspective? what should or shouldn't I do/say to get things moving in a better direction?


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

A vitamin/supplement program can help. DHEA 25mg. Highly visceral experiences like skiing or sailing. Make sure to avoid anything that causes resentment.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

C,
I met my W 21 years ago - we quickly started dating - married 20 years now. We were 27 then and are both 47 now. 

My sex drive was always very very high. I remember one year when we were 30/31 we were consistently connecting twice a day most days. My W was always great about taking care of me in bed even though her drive was no where near as high. 

We have both stayed fit and have a healthy lifestyle - she still looks beautiful to me. 

Starting last year - at 46 - my drive dropped a lot. Like I went from thinking about sex daily and wanting it every other day to thinking about it a few times a week and wanting it once or twice a week. So we actually connect 1-2 times a week now but I let her initiate at least half the time because most nights I am not aroused. The good news is that she is really fun and has always liked a lot of foreplay (me too  so even if I don't start out in the mood I know I will get there if we play for a while. 

I am scared of the future. If my drive continues to drop at this rate - eventually I am going to have to either buy her some toys or let her take a lover.  

My T levels are fine - I honestly did not expect this sharp a drop off in desire in my late 40's. It is unsettling. 

How does your H respond when you initiate? Is he ok with letting you get him in the mood even if he doesn't start out aroused? 

Aging sucks.



Carron36 said:


> are there any guys who can give me a man's perspective? what should or shouldn't I do/say to get things moving in a better direction?


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## Carron36 (Jun 2, 2010)

to answer Mem's last questions...he's fine when I initiate and he's eager to let me help him get in the mood. Another concern I have is that he can't always stay aroused, it's frustrating for both of us. I've talked to him about going to his doctor to discuss this but he gets upset and changes the subject.
Don't take this the wrong way, but I feel better knowing that you noticed a change at the same age my husband did. 
Aging really does suck, thanks for your time Mem


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I'll admit, some days I only want it from 6:01 a.m. to 6:04 a.m.

You just gotta learn to be ready to go at a moment's notice.

It has a mind of it's own.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

You know what sucks more than aging?

The fact men and women seem to be so damn reversed on this sex issue.

Probably when you were younger, your hapless husband probably wanted it all the time. . .now that you are older, you want it all the time.

It think that's what's probably the best about a couple of 35-45 year olds. . .the libido's are probably just about in sync during those brief years.

The only practical advice I would offer (other than taking advantage of the 6 a.m. full bladder woody) is really learn to "get" instead of "give." When women are younger they are kind of expected to be the "givers" a lot - the givers of "blowjobs", the "givers" of different positions and so on.

Now that you are approaching the 50's (and he's there), just let give you a "blowjob" (what do you call it - cunillingus? that doesn't seem quite correct - a female blowjob) and you take a nap afterwards while he watches football and I bet when you wake up he's raring to go (if it's halftime and the Eagles are winning and they didn't throw a damn interception in the end zone.)


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

yeah, i cant help. i dont have a wife with the drive and willingness to fulfill it, i am more in your shoes. by the way i am 49 and i cant say my desire to have sex has dropped, but my desire to chase her only to be rejected most certainly has


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## Carron36 (Jun 2, 2010)

Scannerguard...thanks for the humor, I needed it. As far as "approaching" my 50's, bite your tongue. turning 45 was hard enough this year, please don't remind me I'm "approaching" my 
50's. In my own defense, age is just a number, I look younger than I am and have kept in good shape.

okeydokie, I'm with you...my desire to chase and be rejected is dropping rapidly. 

I've gotten some good suggestions that are worth exploring though...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Carron,
I sent you a private message on this topic. 



Carron36 said:


> Scannerguard...thanks for the humor, I needed it. As far as "approaching" my 50's, bite your tongue. turning 45 was hard enough this year, please don't remind me I'm "approaching" my
> 50's. In my own defense, age is just a number, I look younger than I am and have kept in good shape.
> 
> okeydokie, I'm with you...my desire to chase and be rejected is dropping rapidly.
> ...


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## brad (Jul 31, 2008)

Carron36 said:


> are there any guys who can give me a man's perspective? what should or shouldn't I do/say to get things moving in a better direction?


I'm 44 and I do a lot of yoga, eat well and make sure I rest. I have a bit less of a sex drive but three times a week is what I need. as a comparison when I was thirty 4-5 times a week.

I would suggest you back off a little. When you feel pressured to do something it's simply not as appealing. 

You sound like you're doing a lot of amazing things to get things going. How about a step back. continue to flirt playfully but dont get too sexual.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Carron36 said:


> Truthfully, I would be content with once a week (though I'd like it to be more, he knows I'd be thrilled with once a week.) Right now it
> averages out to once every 4 to 6 weeks.



Come on Brad, asking her to back off a little and not pressure when he is only into her ONCE EVERY 4-6 weeks ! If I was her, I would be going out of my mind & possibly somewhere else if he was that un-concerned. Even you admit you needed it 3 times a week when her age, and she is female, in her "prime".

At the very least, he should be open to trying some Vitamin V, allowing his wife to arouse him -once a week sure seems reasonable to me, with a smile on his face.


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## brad (Jul 31, 2008)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Come on Brad, asking her to back off a little and not pressure when he is only into her ONCE EVERY 4-6 weeks ! If I was her, I would be going out of my mind & possibly somewhere else if he was that un-concerned. Even you admit you needed it 3 times a week when her age, and she is female, in her "prime".
> 
> At the very least, he should be open to trying some Vitamin V, allowing his wife to arouse him -once a week sure seems reasonable to me, with a smile on his face.


Well the purpose of backing off is to get him interested again.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Carron36 said:


> So far I've been really patient and loving about this subject and that's getting me nowhere. I don't want to be a ***** about it because that just creates more problems.


 Brad, she has already walked that road, being patient, backing off, she already acknowledges that pestering him will only make things worse. I think she is on the right path with the new lingerie & desiring to spice it up. 

Since you admit you needed it 3 times a week, when her age, just how would YOU have handled getting it from your spouse just a meesley once every 4-6 weeks? Porn perhaps? 

Women don't usually get the same thrill out of it as men. I would imagine that would be lonely, even depressing. 

If she continues to leave him alone, she "enables" him to continue down the same un-sexual un-interested path, and her resentment will fester & grow. Plus it's not good for his health anyway- Use it or loose it. Sex begats more Sex, some claim. 

Unless she finds a way to De-flate her own sex drive - what a sad Google search -looking for answers to that. Our Sex drives are a JOY, a gift from God & to our spouses, noone should have to leave this part of their marraige behind .


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

SA,
I totally agree with you. There are a lot of things you can do to "spark" your partners desire. And IMO a loving partner will "play" with you even if they start out not in the mood. Once every 6 weeks compared to 2-3 times a week is a miserable gap for the high drive partner. They should not have to amputate a core part of themselves for your convenience. 




SimplyAmorous said:


> Brad, she has already walked that road, being patient, backing off, she already acknowledges that pestering him will only make things worse. I think she is on the right path with the new lingerie & desiring to spice it up.
> 
> Since you admit you needed it 3 times a week, when her age, just how would YOU have handled getting it from your spouse just a meesley once every 4-6 weeks? Porn perhaps?
> 
> ...


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## bella09 (Jul 5, 2010)

Carron36-
I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s dreading going to the doctor in fear that he’ll be told he’s got an impotency problem as most men experiencing these issues at that age are. Honestly, like others were saying start cooking healthy, watch what he eats because it all makes a huge difference. My husband is only 29 and his diet and sleep play a major role in how he feels on a daily basis, sex life especially included. Make sure he gets his 8 hours a night. Take him into a vitamin shop and have him discuss his overall daily energy, etc. with someone and they can make recommendations. His primary physician can do this also. He may just need some basic supplements, that tied with a healthy diet and good sleep every night should leave him feeling pretty great. Now stress could also be a pretty big factor, how’s his stress at work or at home? Anything that you can do to help him out to alleviate stress will help both of you! So diet, sleep, stress- all of those things together or separate can cause his issue of not being interested or maintaining interest. Take him to the doctor for a check up and do some blood tests to see if anything is off, diet & supplements for what you don’t get or don’t get enough of in your diet are great. Please let me know if any of this helps! I wish you both the best!


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## brad (Jul 31, 2008)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Brad, she has already walked that road, being patient, backing off, she already acknowledges that pestering him will only make things worse. I think she is on the right path with the new lingerie & desiring to spice it up.
> 
> Since you admit you needed it 3 times a week, when her age, just how would YOU have handled getting it from your spouse just a meesley once every 4-6 weeks? Porn perhaps?
> 
> ...


Sex is mostly between the ears. by backing off the husband will see that it's not an automatic. I would also start going out with your girlfriends more. Become more independent of him. You will start to seem more attractive to him and he might start getting horny for you again.

trust me on this one. You sound smart and terrific. Just switch gears for a bit.


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## Carron36 (Jun 2, 2010)

just back from vacation and catching up on responses. Thanks everyone.
I don't want to do anything to decrease my sex drive, I love having this "second chance" at a phenomenol sex life, I'm just really frustrated that my partner can't or won't give me what I want. I brought up the subject of V on vacation and he didn't rule it out, but he won't let me go to the doctor with him because it's "private". That pissed me off, how much more private is the intimacy of marriage? We've travelled this path with a couple of other, non-sexual issues. Historically, he promises to do whatever has to be done, then months go by and he's done nothing. By then, I'm sure he thinks I've forgotten about the issue or gotten over it, that it's something that was MY issue.... I haven't figured out if it's laziness on his part or that he doesn't want to admit that something might actually be wrong with him (physically, emotionally, whatever...). I know his ego well enough to know that he thinks its a sign of weakness if a person can't handle the negative things in life without medication.

So, even though I'm growing tired of talking with him about this (it's been 3 years !!!) I'll continue awhile longer with new lingerie, sexy surprises, etc. I even bought a sexy 2 piece bathing suit for vacation, the kind meant for lying in a beach chair and not chasing 2 8-year-olds while wearing...he liked it, but the other men on the beach liked it more I think.

We're taking a trip to the local Vitamin Shoppe too, lets see where that takes us before I do something drastic....

Patience was never one of my virtues, but I've managed this long (well, that and my toys have gotten me this far !)


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Self love three times to every intimate time with spouse gets to be a drag. And the ratio only gets worse over time without drastic change.

At some point, the occasional roll in the hay doesn't seem worth it.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

C,
I do think it is reasonable for you to ask him to commit to making the Dr appointment in a finite time frame - 2 to 3 weeks? I also think you could have this conversation with him:

I love you - truly love you. And connecting physically strengthens our bond even more. It would mean a lot to me if you were willing to give this a try so we can rock each others worlds a couple times a week. 

PS: If he has a strong aversion to pills from drug company's, he could try a combo of ginko biloba and ginseng - look it up on google. 

The average age of men taking V is currently 53.



Carron36 said:


> just back from vacation and catching up on responses. Thanks everyone.
> I don't want to do anything to decrease my sex drive, I love having this "second chance" at a phenomenol sex life, I'm just really frustrated that my partner can't or won't give me what I want. I brought up the subject of V on vacation and he didn't rule it out, but he won't let me go to the doctor with him because it's "private". That pissed me off, how much more private is the intimacy of marriage? We've travelled this path with a couple of other, non-sexual issues. Historically, he promises to do whatever has to be done, then months go by and he's done nothing. By then, I'm sure he thinks I've forgotten about the issue or gotten over it, that it's something that was MY issue.... I haven't figured out if it's laziness on his part or that he doesn't want to admit that something might actually be wrong with him (physically, emotionally, whatever...). I know his ego well enough to know that he thinks its a sign of weakness if a person can't handle the negative things in life without medication.
> 
> So, even though I'm growing tired of talking with him about this (it's been 3 years !!!) I'll continue awhile longer with new lingerie, sexy surprises, etc. I even bought a sexy 2 piece bathing suit for vacation, the kind meant for lying in a beach chair and not chasing 2 8-year-olds while wearing...he liked it, but the other men on the beach liked it more I think.
> ...


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

I agree with MEM11363 about setting a deadline when he will look into seeing a doctor. It's good that you plan on doing your part to keep the seduction going as well.

There are many common foods that can also help. In fact, I'm currently writing a book about that. I'll definitely be posting news about this when it's ready for sale within the next six to eight weeks.

In the meantime, look into creating more opportunities to get arginine into his diet. It increases the blood flow and acts as a natural viagara. Foods containing Arginine:
•	Dairy Products such as cottage cheese, ricotta, milk, yogurt, whey protein drinks.
•	Beef, pork, and poultry.
•	Wild game such as pheasant and quail.
•	Seafood such halibut, lobster, salmon, shrimp, snails, and tuna in water.
•	Wheat germ, flour, buckwheat, granola, and oatmeal.
•	Nuts such as coconut, pecans, cashews, walnuts, almonds, Brazil nuts, hazelnuts, pine nuts, peanuts.
•	Seeds such as pumpkin, sesame, and sunflower.
•	Chick peas and cooked soybeans.

Watermelon is also a surprisingly great food to help increase this, and other beneficial nutrients for sexual function and enhancement, and this is the perfect season for it!


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