# Painfully broken :-(



## LoveNpieces (Jan 8, 2014)

Hi Everyone, 

This is my first post and attempt at finding support in anyway. My marriage has come crumbling down around me and its been less than two weeks my husband declared his feelings for another woman. 

My story 

I have been with my husband in a relationship for going on 14 years, we recently just tied the knot last October 2012. We planned wedding many times over the years but money, family and unexpected deaths of my father and my uncle and relatives have all played a part. We have always felt married anyway so it was more or less just to celebrate officially. We began as friends for a year and we became best of friends and were both swept into mad love together. We were inseparable. My husband and I have been through many of life's ups and downs together job loss, issues with family, finances, stress. We had a great relationship with the normal hiccups. We had occasional arguments like everyone else. For the most part we were very happy and always loving. Even after arguments we would cuddle and watch tv. That all soon changed a few months ago. I started noticing my husband spending more time watching sports and becoming distant. 

He had recently lost his job and i figured he was depressed and withdrawn. I gave him all my support and encouragement , wiped his tears and cuddled and hugged him. Telling him i will help him find new job and all will be ok. One day my world came crashing down. He was not feeling well and i went to store to get meds. I received a TEXT! From him telling me he is overwhelmed and was going to his Moms for weekend. We have always been so close and loving so never thought twice. His Moms place is crowded with his two brothers, sister, sister in law and parents. Not comfortable. I was upset he didn't tell me in person but i figured he needed his space. .i did not question it. After weekend was over, he called and said he needed more time. I was totally confused. I still trusted in him and gave him time. 

I know my husband does not handle stress well and he tends to shutdown. I thought it was best he took time he needed and i knew he was at his moms and was nowhere strange. My mom in law and i are extremely close. After another week or so my husband broke down and told me that he was stressed with his job, bills, family and felt he wanted to be alone for a bit more. I could not make sense of it and was so confused. I chose to give him his time. His mother would tell me he wasn't going out and was always there so i assumed it was time he needed and i tried to be supportive and loving through his crises. 

Well my world has been shattered. I found out that when he was laid off In April. He had left prob two weeks later, he was having an affair with his assistant. I am so devastated and beyond in agony. Aside from the everyday issues and job we were loving i could not understand why this happened . So now i know that the time he needed was not about us our issues or his stress it was about his affair. He cant escape from our home and talk all time with her because of how close we are i would know. So he used his moms as a tool. 

I am shattered. I have a 17 year old son my husband has raised since before age 3. Blood doesn't make you a father. So our son is in military bootcamp now and so glad for that. My husband still over this time he's been at his moms comes to spend nights out of the week here with me at home and when he is not he was calling me on video phone ten times a day with I love you and talking for hours. I am totally blindsided and in alot of pain. I cant wrap my head around this agony and the betrayal. I knew of the girl and I called her. She confirmed it to me and said she was sorry and would never hurt our family and would back off. As upset and betrayed as i am, i am so in love with my husband i was ready to fight for my marriage. I was not going to let all our years be washed away . Sadly the girl and my husband continued. I confronted my husband two weeks ago that I knew they had not stopped. He shut down and couldn't talk to me. He became very cold and distant after when we did speak and it was like talking to a stranger. I do not understand his behavior. His warm loving self was a cold shell. 

I am perplexed and really blown away by it all. We spoke two weeks ago on phone. He still would not face me in person. Guess he's a coward. Told me that he loves me but fell in love with mistress. That he cant be with me with having feelings for her. So now our 14 years are now disposable because he found something new. He seems very out of touch and not thinking. He says he feels conflicted but we cant be together now. I am crushed Beyond repair. My husband is such a loving man and I could never imagine him doing this. He has shifted personalities over night and i cant grasp it .. 

Is this new illusion clouding his brain. Sure the allure of not having anything but fun and sex is exciting because they don't share a real life together. They have zero issues because they are playing la la land. I am devastated Beyond words. 

My dilemma, he has done the worst thing you can do to anyone, let alone a wife. Despite it all i know people are not perfect and sometimes mess up royally. My heart loves him with such a pure love and i miss him so badly despite all of this . He knows how much pain he's caused me as i have expressed it when we spoke last. I cried for over an hour without consolation. He has abandoned me and our son for some thrills. He knows i want our marriage and my heart aches he is doing this 

I am here all alone going through this and am so depressed. I find it hard to believe that a few months on and off is worth ruining a life together and a marriage ... Are there any people who have been through similar and worked things out? I love my husband deeply ..so alone and hurting


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Hi, Sorry you are here.

Couple of questions?

1) can you support yourself and your son without him?

2) Can you cleanly separate your finances and cut him out completely to start on his own?

3) Are you considering Divorce as an option?

I know this is a really rough part but you must stop focusing on him and must begin to take charge of what is best for you and your son.

Implement the 180, basically start shutting him out and focus on a future without him in it.

File for divorce and if he has no income then do not support him and shut him off financially from access to cash you make.

Be prepared for things to get much worse!!!

How much proof of an affair do you have? Enough to file?

If you think that he is in "la la land" then yes, here we call it "the fog" but it is much like being in a new relationship where it feels like love all over again.

Sorry again you are here.


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## LoveNpieces (Jan 8, 2014)

Thanks for the reply :-(

The D word is last thing on my mind sadly. I know to some it may seem naive but for now its too fresh to even think of any of that. I am still coming to grips with what just happened. I am not employed currently but he is helping me. I am focused right now on finding work and getting my life stable so whatever outcome happens i am on my own feet :-(

He calls me every other day sometimes more than once. When i do not answer he calls multiple times. I am really confused. I dont know if its remorse or guilt or his needing or missing me or just wanting to talk. I cant make sense of any of it. I have not answered lately as hearing his voice kills me inside because i miss him so much :-(


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

That is why you need to do the 180 for yourself. You need to do this to give you strength.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Sorry you are in pain. Others that are smarter than i, will soon be here to help.

My advice is until you gain some self respect and refuse to be plan b, this will continue. He is cake eating and you are allowing it.

He likely knew youd allow him to play around until he decides who he wants. 

You cannot allow him to write this story, because it ends with either you as plan b, or with a man who will do this to you again later.

Waywards never respect doormats. You really need to file, perhaps that will snap him out it.

Read up on the 180.

And you need to expose this affair. That is the best way to kill it.

And dont forget to eat and sleep. You will need your strength, for this will be the worst time of your life.

And be glad you found this place. These guys will help you survive this.


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## LoveNpieces (Jan 8, 2014)

Thx.. I am, going to try my best. Its all just so overwhelming for me and i am still shell shock by it all. I am in agony right now :-(


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

LoveNpieces said:


> Thx.. I am, going to try my best. Its all just so overwhelming for me and i am still shell shock by it all. I am in agony right now :-(


As painful as this might be, take a few minutes to think about the people around you here at TAM, we have all been through the wringer and some of us more than once 

Be sure to get your self straightened out and that phrase "miss him so much" trust me sister, you miss what you used to have, you have to grieve the death of your marriage and learn to live with the fact that life as you know it from now on will forever be very different!!!!

It's ok to hurt but be careful not to get too wrapped up in being hurt and get stuck in limbo, that is worse as you make no progress and it is easy to fall into the depression trap, make plans with friends, get the girls over for wine and chats, coffee morning with moms from school, anything to get more from outside into your life, trust us, we can help you make things better.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

You will be fine. I survived this and you will too.


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## LoveNpieces (Jan 8, 2014)

Thankyou.

I know that even if by some miracle our marriage ever survives this it will never be the same. I am preparing myself for the tough road ahead whichever that way leads. What makes it harder is that Both my parents are deceased and have no family close so I feel My pain is grieving the loss of all I knew and our dreams. We talked of having a baby this Xmas. Its all very deep :-(
I am very depressed and don't feel up to going out at least not just yet. I will maybe have a friend over.


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## LoveNpieces (Jan 8, 2014)

illwill said:


> You will be fine. I survived this and you will too.



Thank you :-(.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

1st as to D----you may not like the thot of it, or anything about it----BUT IT IS THE ONE MAJOR WEAPON YOU HAVE

D/Threat of D, are what you need to use, to yank your H, out of what is going on----if this doesn't work, then you need to face the sad fact, your mge, very well may be at an end

Since it took the 2 of you many years to finally take vows---I am wondering if your H, in all actuality, does not really wanna be legally bound, and is doing this as an exit A.---just a possibility to think about

As was said above---no matter what you feel inside---you have to get your self respect back---time to go dark on your H----let him see you can/will make it on your own, and you don't need him---and that HE IS THE LOSER IN ALL OF THIS---for he will have driven you away-----you have to shut down your feelings of love or him, and deal in the reality, that you are in, he has a lover, and he won't part from her.

Make sure you "out" him to all family members and friends---and at this point---you do not trust ANYTHING THAT COMES OUT OF HIS MOUTH-------he is a liar, manipulates, and deceives---all for one end---to be with his lover, and to hurt you---FOR HE FULL WELL KNOWS THAT BY HAVE HIS A, HE IS HURTING YOU 

Get your head up, stand tall, and respect yourself


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## frank29 (Aug 22, 2012)

Hello LoveNpieces all of us here feel and understand just the pain an grief you are going through and the dagger like feelings in your chest all that will fade with time and work how long well that depends on you you must get up and start making a life for your self it is going to be hard and lots of tears but it will fade but you must remain positive the only thing i can point you to is is under TAM just let them go a post by Morituri a brilliant piece of work i think if you read it will get you on the right track give it a try 
Frank


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Jnj is right, divorce is your only weapon. Really, the ONLY one you have. And it is a very powerful weapon. Do not underestimate it. 

Do not think you will be pushing him further away by using this (though you have to be prepared to follow it through).

Think about it, when you have dumped someone in the past. If they are upset, you feel sad for them but it doesn't make you second guess yourself in the same way as if they aren't upset and even seem glad you have dumped them! If they are not upset you start wondering intensely if you have done the right thing. 

Or when you have been dumped. It is very upsetting if you still want them. Yet if you act like you are not bothered, they can end up second guessing themselves and start asking you back again even though they dumped you!

I think this is a subconscious thing, if the person being dumped is upset, the person doing the dumping knows they are still wanted and desired. And if they change their mind they might still get that person back. If the person being dumped is not bothered, it is much more final. That person won't be there if you change your mind. And that makes you panic over whether you have done the right thing.

I hope that makes sense.

This is why divorce is your best weapon. By being upset over him, being upset TO HIM, you are making him know you are still available for him if he changes his mind. And this feeds his indecision. If you can ensure that you do not show him your upset, and show him you are strong and moving on, this will force his hand and end the indecision. It also puts you in a much stronger position. 

Stop allowing him to eat his cake and hurt you in the process. Do not show him your upset (as much as is humanly possible). Make him see the reality of what he is doing, he IS throwing away you and the years he has had with you. He HAS thrown it away. But by being there for him and displaying your upset you are allowing him to stay in his fog of indecision and not letting him feel the full force of his actions.

Do the 180 and begin the divorce process. And do some things for you. This will make you feel a little bit better, that you are doing something and not wallowing. And watch patiently. The effects of these actions will bring rewards. Even if this is an exit affair, your reward will be to move on and away from him quicker. Sooner. Do not choose limbo. It will affect you much more, both mentally and physically.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Just be careful though as the threats of D can become tiresome if you do not follow through or at least make punishment for acts against your will!!!

You ever hear of "the boy who cried wolf"? Same thing threatening D for everything, not sayin you would but, try to use as your trump card.

You say he is helping you? How so? Financially? 

Who is your personal support network? Mom, siblings, close friends?

Oh and if by any chance you have any opposite sex friends, ditch them in a heart beat!! Trust me, he will realize what he has done and when the shine has worn off his wh0re he will possibly try to use any opposite sex friends as a means of filing against you to counteract his awful actions.

Just be careful!!!


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Unless he is willing to go NC with his assistant, get him out of your life. You have received advice on the 180, and this is to help you survive. 

Does he have a job yet? It takes two, and only two, working on a marriage to make it work. It is not easy. Three is too many.

If the WS does not show remorse, NC and extremely hard work, you should file for D. 

Sorry you are having this experience. I am trying to learn that the cheating is because he is selfish, and not anything about the spouse. But it kills my self-esteem, do not let it kill your self-esteem.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

You have to remember, he chose her over you. Multiple times. He is choosing her over you now. He is broken up over her, not you. 

It sucks and it's ripping out your soul, but he isn't worthy of your devotion or love. He doesn't care about you in comparison to her. You are disposable and "in the way" of his new true love. Is he delusional? Hell yeah! Will he realize how f'cked up he is, maybe. But are you really going to wait around for a guy that tossed you away for someone else? Are you really going to settle for being the wife he came back too because it didn't work out with his new girlfriend? 

They never realize the full error of their ways. Don't wait for the light bulb moment to go on for him and he will remember how wonderful you are. It will never come.


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## LoveNpieces (Jan 8, 2014)

Thank you everyone for the feedback :-/. 
I see what you mean. I was letting him hear my pain and i could not help it because it was the first time we discussed what he had done and is doing. I wanted to clear things up to give better picture. We got married only years later due to financial and family deaths. He always wanted to give me the dream wedding so we waited until we finally were able to not because of anything we emotionally felt. I am no longer answering his calls. When i dint answer he calls over ten times on all my phone numbers and texts. I know as hard as it is for me not to answer that it is the best thing to do. I know that I have to face harsh truths but this happened two weeks ago and my wounds are fresh. I want to be clearheaded and nit emotionally ravaged when I make my decision. For now i making moves to pick myself off the floor and work on me and No contact. My first step will be legal separation first if anything. Then follow up at a later time
Like I said he has changed drastically due to this affair and behaving even with his family like a stranger, reckless. 
My parents both died separately tragically and I don't have any family support. My support is very limited and why i came on here.

I have a handful of friends i trust but they cannot relate and give me bad advice like revenge etc,.,: -(. 

My husband and i like I said over the 14 years are extremely close until recently. Even while he was away before i knew of OW he and i spoke on video ten times a day and few nights out of week. We have always been close that way. It was only until I discovered the affair that he became cold and pulled away so harshly. 
I know that the No Contact will bother him and i need to do it for me and not him.

I feel that talking to him all the time enabled him to get his fix and ease himself. I will no longer do that. I will take the steps to distance myself now. I pray that he has a wake up call but if not I will be stronger and more detached than now. 

It has only been three days since we last spoke and its very difficult for me. I am doing my best and will continue to work on myself and worry less about him :-(


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Hi, I am sorry you are here as well. If I had threaten D right away, my h would have been furious, and would have made it worst for me than it already is now. I was no where even near that thought anyway myself as I loved my h, & it just didnt make sense.


You also were are very lucky that if it does come down to D that you did marry. I know a lot of people think of it as only a "piece of paper," but when you find yourself on the other side you find out how valuable that "piece of paper" is.

I know, I have a gf, common law wife of 24 years, no help from the courts at all. A sham, raised children of h, he left her for another ow, and ow h is a-o-k with it all.

~sammy


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

I really believe your doing the right thing 100%. By your husband being able to contact and talk to you all the time whenever he wants, I believe this is where he thinks he has a hold on you, and basically hes having his cake and eat it, if you know what i mean.

Hes left you, hes still seeing his mistress, but still he was able to call you over 10 times a day, so hes having the best of both worlds.

Now you have cut contact, your being strong, and now its leaving him without a crutch, he may have his mistress, but hes not got you dangling, which is what hes been doing.

It must be really really horrible what your going through, but if he really loved you, then why would he do this to you.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Two things come to mind, 

The "Just Let Them GO" post that's on this site- read that..it's amazing

Cake eating- he's getting his emotional needs met by BOTH women and his constant contacting you is proof of that. Take yourself out of the picture and watch how bloody fast his affair falls apart. 

It's really the most powerful tool you have in regaining your dignity and not letting him have the best of both worlds.


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## LoveNpieces (Jan 8, 2014)

Thanks again everyone.
It is very painful and hard each day. I literally drag myself around because i am so devastated but I am doing best I can to find me again in all this. Getting my life together. I am seeking full time work now to become financially independent. I have not been working as a mutual agreement between my husband and i that I would return to school,to Continue my Bachelors and get a career. He never finished school and struggles with work, so I wanted to give us a better life together. Now in all this though. I am left seeking immediate employment. He is financially helping paying bills but I need my own finances and to take care of myself, home and our son. Even after all this pain, I love him dearly but have come to terms with removing myself from the triangle. 

I know right now he is blinded by the shiny new toy and am aware any reasoning with him now is futile. I will always deep in my heart hope and pray we can recover but I will no linger make myself an open door to him. 

I miss him dearly and it hurts to love someone so much and be betrayed this way. Feelings however are not light switch and as much as I don't want to miss or love him this much, I cant just switch it off. I will however not let him get his needs met by us both. 

It saddens me when men or women choose this path and hurt so many that love them so much. Life is short and if you have those who truly love you, a few moments of fun are not worth ruining lives for. Yes things happen but i wish people would use their brains more instead of their hormones. This is devastating to us abandoned. 

I love him dearly but will continue no contact


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

I know you are hurting badly, and he has put a sword thru your heart-----BUT-------you MUST, end your pity party

You are a grown woman, and you need to go on with your life

What has happened is, your H, has chosen another woman over you----If that had happened to me---I would not go around in the doldrums---I would show him---what he has LOST---for you must let him know, as far as right now---HE HAS LOST YOU

If he is really so in love with you---1st this would never have happened, and 2nd---when asked he would have ended it, and gone NC----HE DID NEITHER

Now its your turn---you MUST go DARK on him---no 180---just plain---you do not talk to him about anything, for any reason---at this point in time----if there is contact to be made---let it be made thru an intermediary

Lets see how your H likes it when he realizes, and the reality hits him, that YOU MAY HAVE MOVED ON, AND DO NOT NOW WANT HIM IN YOUR LIFE------as to D---it is a weapon to be used, when necessary, and yes it is not to be treated lightly, but it is your main weapon, after going DARK

Never again show him you are weak, never again show him, that you cannot make it---FOR YOU CAN MAKE IT ON YOUR LOWN---IF YOU HAVE TO


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

You have time on your side to sort things out. No haste for D or R. Right now you are on the biggest roller coaster ride of your life. You may go minute to minute or day by day, and you will be all over the place. Don't make any decisions right now. You are too emotionally wounded for that. No begging, no pleading, no forgiveness, no threats unless you mean them.

Try to get yourself together and this will be the biggest challenge. You will be strong one moment and crying the next. 

Your nice world has been blown to bits. Many of us have been here.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Do not put yourself in limbo. You need to have a clear time limit to when 
you will truly end it.

You can be kind of reconciling and sort of divorcing for years.

You are doing good so far. Continue to ignore his calls. This is the absolute best thing you can do right now.


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## LoveNpieces (Jan 8, 2014)

Thx JNJ,Thorburn, illeill and Oscarsmom

I will not be in limbo forever as i know it will only serve to hurt me. This just has really knocked me off my feet and a complete 360 from what we had planned right before Xmas :-(. My whole life has been pulled from under my feet and it is alot to come to grips with. I know emotionally I am not even in right state of mind to make permanent choices so my main goal now is picking myself up. This is not a marriage where we were miserable to each other, we have always had such a closeness and strong love so to have it completely turn for the worst crushes your spirit and turns you upside down :-(. He called me three times before this post and texted me why am i not answering. I just do not understand the calls like that. I am trying to distance myself. As i am typing this now he is calling me :-(. My heart breaks :-(


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Ignore him. This is how he will learn to respect you.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

I wanted to just say how sorry I am you are here. I am also happy that you have found us now rather than in six months time. 

I know all the advice seems counter-intuitive and rather harsh but there is a saying here. " Nobody ever nice'd anybody out of an affair" It is true

Your husband of 14 years has chosen to ditch you. This is the harsh truth. He is also pretending to still "care for you" with the phone calls and texts. They are nothing to do with actual love and care and everything to do with his guilt at his actions. While you allow this he can believe he is a good guy who is doing his best for poor you. Well, stuff that. 

Do not contact him. Do not answer his calls or engage him. Inevitably though you will make contact. We all do that, so don't beat your self up about it 

Give him nothing. make it clear that you have no desire to get in the way of his life and happiness and that if this is what he wants then Divorce must be as soon as possible.

Only talk about the breaking up of the home and the assets.

At this point he will probably try and engage you in talk of relationship and jabber on about how awful he feels. He only feels awful because you are standing up for yourself.

Just repeat. I am sorry but you are in a relationship with someone else. Please do not talk to me about X Y X

This forces all the emotional support on the Affair Partner and puts enormous pressure on their affair. It was never meant to be the primary relationship and they have convinced themselves they are "In love" and are frolicking under rainbows riding Unicorns. They believe that as soon as this all "settlers down" in <insert arbitary period> they will be able to invite you over to their place with your new partner for dinner and ****tails where you will all laugh about it.. . Ha.. ha . ha..

His family. They are not your friends. Cut them off too.


You. 
Exercise. This will remove the toxic byproducts of the adrenalin that is coursing through your veins

Eat.
Change your diet to exactly what you like. Please eat, and no junk food okay.

Pain
Yes. It is the worst pain you ever felt. We get that. We have been there. It does get better, slowly and over time but you can accelerate the process by following the 180 and "letting go"


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

This is what HAS TO BE

As long as your H, has ANYTHING TO DO WITH HIS LOVER IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM---even remotely on the phone-----YOU MAKE IT SO YOU DO NOT EXIST TO HIM


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

It's lawyer time friend.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

So sorry you are going through this - I wish I didn't understand your pain, but I do. Thorburn is right about not making any decisions regarding R or D just yet - you are on a wild emotional roller coaster ride right now. And I understand that feeling like the solid foundation has been pulled out from under you - it's awful. But you'll start to feel stronger as time goes by; you'll get your "footing" back.

One thing that's not clear to me though - you said you are close to his mother. And you said that she told you he's staying in the house, not going out much. Assuming she wasn't lying to you about that, it means he isn't seeing the OW very often - so is it possible he's hiding the affair from his mother? That he's ashamed of it? 

IF that's the case, you can maintain NC with him but how about exposing the affair to his mother? She will probably continue to let him live there, but she might make it more unpleasant for him, if she cares about you and it goes against her values....


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## LoveNpieces (Jan 8, 2014)

Thx Hopefulgirl


Sorry about you knowing this pain :-(.
Yes right now i am not in right mind to make any permanent decisions. My emotions are all over the place. One minute I'm hysterical, next I am angry and sad and confused. 

I am extremely close with his mother. He lies to her i am sure. I have already exposed the affair to his mother, father and siblings living there as i have close relationship with all of them. I don't think he sees her often but maybe once to twice a week. Anytime they spend together is too often :-(

He still continues to lie when he does leave the house claiming he is going to interviews or somewhere else. He is not upfront about it to any of them. I mean cat is out of the bag so i don't understand his hiding it still. 





hopefulgirl said:


> So sorry you are going through this - I wish I didn't understand your pain, but I do. Thorburn is right about not making any decisions regarding R or D just yet - you are on a wild emotional roller coaster ride right now. And I understand that feeling like the solid foundation has been pulled out from under you - it's awful. But you'll start to feel stronger as time goes by; you'll get your "footing" back.
> 
> One thing that's not clear to me though - you said you are close to his mother. And you said that she told you he's staying in the house, not going out much. Assuming she wasn't lying to you about that, it means he isn't seeing the OW very often - so is it possible he's hiding the affair from his mother? That he's ashamed of it?
> 
> IF that's the case, you can maintain NC with him but how about exposing the affair to his mother? She will probably continue to let him live there, but she might make it more unpleasant for him, if she cares about you and it goes against her values....


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

LoveNpieces said:


> He still continues to lie when he does leave the house claiming he is going to interviews or somewhere else. He is not upfront about it to any of them. I mean cat is out of the bag so i don't understand his hiding it still.


Actually, it makes sense: he IS ashamed. As he should be!! He might be anticipating disapproving comments if he announced he was going out to be with his affair partner! Having social pressure like this is GOOD. 

Believe it or not, there are some families with so many members who sleep around so much that they would accept this kind of behavior and wouldn't think anything of it, and someone like him would find no NEED to hide it. (Blechhh!!) So his being ashamed and hiding it means he senses the family does NOT approve, which is good news.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Oh you don't know how I would give anything be in your place. How odd that thinking is. 

As soon as my h affair was discovered he realized the big mistake he did, and all he wanted was to return and work on the marriage, but sadly, he didnt see what the damage he had caused me.
2 years of going crazy with lies, and fears, uncertainty,and all he chose to gamble away in the first place.

I would give anything for him not to want to come back. They create a living hell for us, before, during and after the affair,and it becomes the most difficult and challenging of times that I found myself never ever thought he would put me in nor ask me then to accept. 

Acceptance is forgiveness, forgiveness is acceptance, be grateful he isn't asking you to accept his behavior.

~sammy


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## LoveNpieces (Jan 8, 2014)

I am so sorry Sammy :-(
I wish for one second they would feel our pain and see what they are doing :-(
They just do not get it and not sure if they ever truly do. 
I compare their behavior to drug addicts. They are so caught up in their rush and feel good moments, they don't care about anything else but themselves. Their families hurt, wives all loved ones damaged in their path of their behavior. Its heartbreaking.


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## Visionknower (Oct 14, 2013)

This site helped me to clear up my perspective on what was happening with my H and his behaviors. It helped me gain a sane perspective on the factual reality of it all. 
I send you strength, love and peace

Chump Lady — Leave A Cheater, Gain A Life


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## LoveNpieces (Jan 8, 2014)

Thanks VisionKnower... :-/


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

LNP I hope you stay strong. The blow your H has dealt you is like a grenade. Please don't make any decisions about R or D when you are in such a volatile state of mind. 

Your emotions are going to be running the gamut of nostalgia to rage. Don't try to make sense of anything just now. There is only one rule at this point.....take care of yourself and any children and let his calls go to voice mail.

If he is out of the house at his family's? Then count your blessings. Don't cry. I am sure at this point you are all cried out anyways. You probably don't have any tears left.

Of course you love him and are in loads of pain....he lied and cheated!! I am so sorry you are here. Just remember....if he is not around right now that is the best for you. You certainly don't want to be in my boat....where your H is right in the same room, and the distance between you is like the grand canyon...

Focus on yourself and what you need to be stable emotionally and financially, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS WITH YOUR H.

Please, please take care of yourself.


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## LoveNpieces (Jan 8, 2014)

Thx so much for your kind words :-(. Sadly i am still crying all the time. I go from pain, sadness, anger to confusion. A lot of people are quick to say enough already pick yourself up. Sadly i don't have switch to turn it off. I will get to that point soon where i am stronger but right now i am not :-(. I am trying ti eat now as i have been unable to. Trying to do just that and take care of myself. He has raised my son since age 2 son is now (17) away at National guard training. I am alone and its very difficult for me as at the same time i am also having troubles with my family. When it rains it pours. They choose now to sabotage whats left of me and dealing with it all is too much at times. I have turned to friends but they don't understand me or this. When it rains it pours. With all bad things happening at once it just makes getting through the day harder. I am so sorry we are all here :-(. Nobody deserves pain or hurt like this especially from the person we vowed to love. I am glad to have found some understanding and good people on here. I pray for us all as this road is the worst to travel..he has kept calling me and even got angry in text that i do not answer. It confuses me. I hate that i miss him and wish this was all a nightmare I can wake up from it and our life was back..sadly its just that, a wish. Ive been through many tragedies in life and this is the ultimate worst...thx for everyone on here. Your words bring me comfort and helps im not alone like i feel :-(


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## helpandadvice (Sep 13, 2013)

You are not alone and this website has helped me tremendously. My divorce was finalized December 19 and have been to hell and on my way now out of it. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I too could not eat and lost 20 lbs in 4 weeks.

I knew that times would get better for me, but it felt like I was completely broken and it was too tough for me. You will be surprised what you can do when forced to deal with crap and things will get better. Things are so much better for me know, but things will never be the same.

My best advice would be to take the advice on here and act on it. I did not in the beginning because I thought my situation was different, they did not know my wife, blah, blah, blah. Looking back it is weird how people cheat and do the same thing. The details might be different, but the phases, the hiding, secrets, lies, etc. are all the same. I wish I would have listened to people on here. It would have saved me a lot of pain

LAST, BUT NOT LEAST ... TRUST YOUR GUT! YOUR GUT WILL NEVER LIE TO YOU AND MINE WAS NEVER WRONG! IT TOOK TIME, BUT FOUND OUT MY GUT WAS ALWAYS RIGHT!


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

LoveNpieces said:


> Thx so much for your kind words :-(. Sadly i am still crying all the time. I go from pain, sadness, anger to confusion. A lot of people are quick to say enough already pick yourself up. Sadly i don't have switch to turn it off. I will get to that point soon where i am stronger but right now i am not :-(. I am trying ti eat now as i have been unable to. Trying to do just that and take care of myself. He has raised my son since age 2 son is now (17) away at National guard training. I am alone and its very difficult for me as at the same time i am also having troubles with my family. When it rains it pours. They choose now to sabotage whats left of me and dealing with it all is too much at times. I have turned to friends but they don't understand me or this. When it rains it pours. With all bad things happening at once it just makes getting through the day harder. I am so sorry we are all here :-(. Nobody deserves pain or hurt like this especially from the person we vowed to love. I am glad to have found some understanding and good people on here. I pray for us all as this road is the worst to travel..he has kept calling me and even got angry in text that i do not answer. It confuses me. I hate that i miss him and wish this was all a nightmare I can wake up from it and our life was back..sadly its just that, a wish. Ive been through many tragedies in life and this is the ultimate worst...thx for everyone on here. Your words bring me comfort and helps im not alone like i feel :-(


LNP, I know how you are feeling...my H raised my daughter since she was 5 and she is now away at university....it is a wonderful thing and a great blessing, but there has also been a betrayal of trust that happened after the child left home...... be thankful your child is away at this time.....these all alone feelings are ok to feel, its just what is there, in your heart and soul.....its just good in a twisted way because the kids don't have to deal with it... it would be much harder to go through this with any kids at home.....leave them out of it for now if you can

I know things seem bleak right now, but they won't always be. I would give you more hard core advice but I can see your wound is so fresh right now you just need triage to stop the bleeding. 

You are not alone....its ok to feel the way you are feeling...its the normal reaction.....just do something that makes you feel good, something that helps you sleep....

Sorry you are here but so glad you found us

PEACE


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## LoveNpieces (Jan 8, 2014)

Thx to Helpandadvice and lostwifecrushed. 

Tonight is a storm and very emotional so thank you for the support.


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## LoveNpieces (Jan 8, 2014)

Sadly no. I have spent all my time in recent years helping him with his career. I went back to school full time to pursue my Bachelors so that I can get a better career and help him and I have a better future together. He struggles with work growth and pay due to lack of Education/Degree so I decided I would do it for us both. Now I am left here. I am currently looking for full time employment asap so that I am stable on my own regardless of what happen with our marriage. :-(


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## standinginthegap (Jan 16, 2014)

LoveNpieces said:


> He still continues to lie when he does leave the house claiming he is going to interviews or somewhere else. He is not upfront about it to any of them. I mean cat is out of the bag so i don't understand his hiding it still.


There was a point when I thought this very same thing but appreciate it and know that it is for your protection. Since the OW has moved closer to us now my husband no longer hides it, he leave to go see her and tells me he is, believe me this hurts extremely. He might secretly message her and talk to her on the phone when I'm not around but if he leaves to go see this woman he just comes out and say it. Just recent he told me he would be flying to her old state to help her drive back with the rest of her things? And I felt like I was being stabbed in the chest all over again. Not knowing when is for your protection, I've dealt with both but know for sure vices just assuming hurts like hell


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## LoveNpieces (Jan 8, 2014)

I am so sorry for your pain and to be experiencing this as well. It really does feel like being ripped to shreds over and over. I would never wish this pain on anyone. My heart goes out to you and you are never alone.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

LoveNpieces said:


> Thx so much for your kind words :-(. Sadly i am still crying all the time. I go from pain, sadness, anger to confusion. *A lot of people are quick to say enough already pick yourself up.* Sadly i don't have switch to turn it off. I will get to that point soon where i am stronger but right now i am not :-(. I am trying ti eat now as i have been unable to. Trying to do just that and take care of myself. He has raised my son since age 2 son is now (17) away at National guard training. I am alone and its very difficult for me as at the same time i am also having troubles with my family. When it rains it pours. They choose now to sabotage whats left of me and dealing with it all is too much at times. I have turned to friends but they don't understand me or this. When it rains it pours. With all bad things happening at once it just makes getting through the day harder. I am so sorry we are all here :-(. Nobody deserves pain or hurt like this especially from the person we vowed to love. I am glad to have found some understanding and good people on here. I pray for us all as this road is the worst to travel..he has kept calling me and even got angry in text that i do not answer. It confuses me. I hate that i miss him and wish this was all a nightmare I can wake up from it and our life was back..sadly its just that, a wish. Ive been through many tragedies in life and this is the ultimate worst...thx for everyone on here. Your words bring me comfort and helps im not alone like i feel :-(


A lot of people don't know your pain.  But we do. So, guess what? We'll be here for you.:smthumbup:


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

jnj express said:


> 1st as to D----you may not like the thot of it, or anything about it----BUT IT IS THE ONE MAJOR WEAPON YOU HAVE
> 
> D/Threat of D, are what you need to use, to yank your H, out of what is going on----if this doesn't work, then you need to face the sad fact, your mge, very well may be at an end
> 
> ...


Please listen to what some of these people are saying. I made a mess of my life because I did not. I am living in limbo and have been for almost 3 year this May, now, and it is pure hell. 

You must expose the affair. You must be willing to walk away, he did... 

The 24/7 contact is going to drive you mad, and confuse you even more and only give him what he wants, both women. Don't give it to him. 

Believe me, D ??? The last thing I ever ever thought of, as I had no intention of even my marriage having an affair in it!!! But it did, and once it did, it is not the same marriage that it was. 

I'm really sorry you're here. We've all been through this misery too, its far from fun. I too know what it is like having no family, nor friends, but you have your child. Focus on them. 

Tell your h when he has decided to end his little dallie with his little twit, maybe then you'll be available to talk w him, maybe... no matter how much it hurts, solider on, the best you can for now. 

~sammy


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## LoveNpieces (Jan 8, 2014)

Thanks MattMatt and Sammy

@ Sammy,

I have already exposed it to his family and he is feeling the heat and shame as he is at his mothers now with his mom, father two brothers and sister in law. They are all upset with him and hes been getting the cold shoulder by them all. I hate that its that way but he made this that way. They are very upset as they all love me dearly and know how much i love my husband and how he treated me is unacceptable. His best friend is married to my best friend and they have also reached out to him and said they were keeping distance from him. His best friend says he loves him but will not place himself in his company bc he doesn't agree with his behavior. My husband is facing all his demons now. His mother and i are closer than any in law and have a real mom daughter relationship. She has been away almost three weeks and came back yesterday. She called me and wanted to come stay with me. She came and stayed over with me the past two days. We cried alot and she shared her anger and sadness and disappointment in her son. My husband knows she came over and im sure his head is spinning wondering what has been happening the past two days. 
His mother told me she confronted the other woman and told her that she is against this and she wants her son back with me his wife. That she loves me dearly and thats not going to stop. That she will not accept her. I had no idea his mom would do that but i am sure his mistress didn't see that coming.she told my husband that she will never allow that woman near her home or family. My husband adores his mother and she is his world. So not sure what he must be thinking now with everyone upset with him and his mother upset. My mother in law is a religious woman. So not sure how things will work out...
So much pain for what :-(
He has everything a man could want and a wife who would give him the world and he's too dumb to see it :-( 



As per the 24/7 contact that was prior to my knowledge of his affair. We talked all day and night only days he wasn't here and at his moms. After i found out affair we dont speak. He has called many times to ask about bills and our son. I text him back to the point memos. 

It hurts me so badly because despite it all i love him but i have removed myself from his triangle. He cannot lean on me anymore i refuse to be his crutch or piece of cake. He knows i love him but will not be close to him until he cuts ties with that woman. I a, focusing on myself and getting my health back as this has taken huge toll on me. I have dropped too much weight too quickly from not eating and i really don't sleep and cry and cry and cry. Its taken a huge toll on me so i am working on healing myself.

I wish the betrayers who cause this pain would wake up and realize the damage they do. To feel our pain and realize all the people they hurt before they dive into their selfish affairs.


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## frank29 (Aug 22, 2012)

Hi lovenPieces I am at a loss to know what to say to you like most on this site we are having our hearts ripped apart or have had them torn apart but you really are in the best place everybody understands the pain you are going through but if you hold on tight as time goes it will stop you really must put your child first and you second and your husband a long way down the list It is very hard at first but your pain will ease and life will take off you just trust in your strength and you will get to a new life with or with out him but do not take any crap your new life and happiness will unfold difficult i know but stand firm it will happen 
Frank


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

What a wonderful mother-in-law! Way to go Mom!! :smthumbup:

You are handling this correctly. Keep your distance. There is no guarantee that it will contribute to bringing him to his senses, but being available to him would certainly enable him to have his cake and eat it too, and then there would be no incentive for him to reconsider what he's doing. And by keeping your distance, it helps you to take better care of yourself because you are understandably still reeling. The early days and weeks are the hardest, but you will gradually feel stronger. Yes, there are setbacks and the pain resurfaces. But overall, there is progress and you WILL feel better.

Don't look too far into the future. One day at a time. One meal at a time. One foot in front of the other. Be gentle with yourself. We know how you feel. Just take care of YOU, because that's what you can control. As much as you can, be thinking of ways to be kind to yourself because you need it more than ever now.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Yes hoorah to your mil!!! Mine said to me, "What can I say? He's my son. Try to turn your cheek..." 

With his family in your court his new reality is short lived. Lean on the support you have, take on one day at a time. 

One thing I learned that I did not realize and would have never ever ever accepted when I was at the place you are right now? That is, you will feel different than how you are feeling this very moment. The pain & despair does change. Some days better, some days not. 

You are very very lucky to have his mom... How awful this all is, she's there for you...



~sammy


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## LoveNpieces (Jan 8, 2014)

Thank you everyone

I have met some amazing people on here so thank you all.
It makes these painful days a little easier to get through.
My pain and crying is a constant. I am taking it one day at a time. Today was hard as first time i went to dinner with friends and i broke down a few times as everything reminds me of him and how despite it all i miss and love him so very much...
I a, blessed to have a real mother in my mother in law. Shes actually taking me to her nieces house upstate for the next five days to spend time with my mim in law and niece and to get me away and give me love and support and prayer in Church.
My faith is all i have keeping me grounded.
You are all a blessing. My heart sends love and hugs to each one of us who are suffering, who have suffered and are here to help each other. We all are loving people and i pray that each and every one of us is blessed with love and happiness now and each and every day ahead.
I am trying my best to hang on like most of us but the agony is truly horrendous. My husband has no idea how much he is loved and missed. Its amazing how you can love people after they do the most painful thing but also akazed at how they dont see that eevrything they seek is right before there eyes and always has been
Too bad they dont see it or appreciate it and value it. Love like that is priceless and is not found in an affair -


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

A little get-away is a great idea. It sounds like you have faith and family and friends, and all of these are good sources of support - do lean on them now. Try if you can to spend time counting your blessings. The thoughts about your husband/the affair tend to dominate (this is normal), but you can try to have some good things to think about to help bring some balance into your thinking. All negative thoughts all the time will naturally make you sad and tearful, so counting your blessings can help to tip the scale a bit.

Hope you can relax and be open to receive all the love and care that will surround you on your trip.


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## LoveNpieces (Jan 8, 2014)

Thx so much hopefulgirl <3

Yes i am very depressed and this has taken such a major toll on my health. My wieght is dramatically dropped and i need an escape from all the crying and scenery. Even though the pain goes where i do at least i am distracted and surrounded by positivity and love from his mother which means the world to me. I am truly blessed to have such a strong relationship with her especially in all this. She cries too which is hard because she wants us back together but we support each other and she gives me love which is so critical for me right now :-(
She makes me smile through my pain and her love gives me strength. I am missing my son terribly and its just adding to my sadness and getting away is much needed!
Its so much harder to be at home surrounded by memories and everything that reminds you of the love so i need out for a bit.
I hate missing him :-(


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

I am so sorry about your situation is so sad when men let the Little head dominate their actions and then when they wake up they realize how much have they lost and destroyed.

I know you have hope for reconcilation, and I sincerily hope that if you want him by your side, he returns as the man he was before his affair and committed to heal and compensate for the pain he caused you.

but if not, be aware that you are a honorable person which must be very valuable, as the family and friends of your husband decided to side with you instead of siding with him, that speaks volumes of your character as human being.

what I can advice is for the time being hang out with family and friends, you don't need to be at home all the time enclosed, find a nice hobby, focus in yourself and your health, Jog or go to the gym, endorphins helps you to feel better. and be strog always remember that this is not your fault, you may not be ble to control your husband actions but you can control yours and keep improving yourself for your own sake.


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## LoveNpieces (Jan 8, 2014)

Thank you manticore..

I actually just came back from 6 days away with my mother in law to her nieces house. I spent the time releasing venting and getting everything out that i have been bottling in. We shared a lot of crying fits and prayers. I am sure it is a blow to his mind that his mother chose to take me away and spend such a close time with me alone with other family of theirs. Her and i have such an amazing bond. 
I am back home and the sadness hit me as soon as i walked back into my home.
His cousin is really amazing and has been in my shoes. She chose to keep me active and getting stress out and we did zumba and gym classes all the time there. 
I feel sad and i am still crying but i chose to give it all to God and pray for my marriage and myself and my son

His family has fully embraced and supported me and it makes this more bearable..


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

I'm glad you got away, and I'm glad you've got such wonderful support. Exercise and prayer will be helpful to you too.

Do you know the Serenity Prayer?

_God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.
_
It's so hard to keep thoughts of him, and what he's doing, and how much you want him to change out of your mind. But the Serenity Prayer is a way to ask for help in accepting that these things are out of your control. If you start to truly accept that you can't control these things and start to "let go" of the firm grip your mind feels it must have on these things, you will be able to think about him a little less. 

Take care, and I hope you will start to feel better soon.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Sadly you've joined the club none wants or thinks they will ever be in

I'm coming at you from a slightly different perspective as you have already been wise enough to take the hard advice and protect yourself. Well done on that, takes an awful lot of courage to do what you know is sensible in your head when your heart is raging at you to just let it all go and let love rule.

You've learned already that this will not work like that

My questions are different which is you needing to maybe understand that your marriage however good you thought it may have been, apart from this indiscretion, it was strong and great - It was'nt 

*And it IS dead*

think back now and with this in your head be honest with yourself and ask how good it was and how did he end up having so little respect and love for you that he found it so easy to dump you onto the fire (and dump your boy too!) 

Do you want that back? 

That's done and dusted already.

What adultery does first and foremost is make you understand that the person you have invested so much in is in fact not that same person at all. You think you knew know him ? Well you don't not now you don't and this rift this fault line is never ever going to be totally closed back up 

Can you envisage forgetting this? 'moving on' ? 
Can you regain the trust so easily? Because fact is NOBODY ever did - ever 

That is why should you try to reconcile it is NEW 
with different rules and boundaries 
with you being the thought and boundary police 

Can you live your life having to be the kind of person that has to check up on him that every now? and then falls into the abyss and panic when the trigger of his infidelity rises up out of nothing - like it will 

This is why the wayward is such a sh!t because they make it irreparable. The damage can never be put completely right hence why any reconciliation is so so difficult

Sadly we all have to, once we get past the more obvious fact of adultery, start thinking about what we really want and if it's even remotely possible 

Good luck on this journey and overall just look after yourself and your boy. Hope you make the right decisions for you two and not your knobhead of a husband


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## LoveNpieces (Jan 8, 2014)

Thankyou HOPEFULGIRL AND HEADSPIN

I have never been one to ever put myself or my needs first and always been the giver and caretaker and supporter. I have had a difficult time trying to put myself first in all this but slowly i know i need to do that to get through this. Most of all i have put God first above all things because this happened for a reason. 
My son is ok for now gladly since he is away i can focus on my self and what i need to do. Of course the thoughts of him are imposeible to get away from daily but i am tying to find things to focus on to keep my mind busy. I have been through so many awful,things in my life but this has to be the ultimate worst and the worst pain i have ever felt.
I think of all of us on this site and it pains my heart that we have all had to endure this :-(
I realized that you are right, because the man i knew and loved for 14 years would never have done this to me or our son. He has changed and I dont know this person. I have truly thought about it over and over replaying like a broken record. I do know that even after all this i do love him but will not engage until i see he is willing to do the work to repair if ever that time comes. I love my husband and would love to save my marriage but he has to want that and show me in everyway as well. Until he does i cant even think of it. He knows how much i love him. He also knows how upset i am and hurt.
It is why we have not spoken or seen each other. He calls and texts and i dont reply and he gets upset.
I cant control him or his actions and i gave up trying to convince him or what he was doing already.
He knows my pain and how wrong it is, they all do.
Its his actions from this point that i will take as cues.
I dont know what the future holds for us but i can only focus on one day at a time and my heart and soul need healing.
I needed to get away as i was spiraling downhill into a dark sadness.
I am still crying as im sure i will for a long time but i am not barracading myself in like i was and isolating myself as i was doing daily. 

This is a struggle that im sure everyone here relates to. Hoping that i find more strength each day to get through it better because right now my days are a nightmare and the nights are even worse.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

LoveNpieces said:


> Thankyou HOPEFULGIRL AND HEADSPIN
> 
> I have never been one to ever put myself or my needs first and always been the giver and caretaker and supporter. I have had a difficult time trying to put myself first in all this but slowly i know i need to do that to get through this. Most of all i have put God first above all things because this happened for a reason.
> My son is ok for now gladly since he is away i can focus on my self and what i need to do. Of course the thoughts of him are imposeible to get away from daily but i am tying to find things to focus on to keep my mind busy. I have been through so many awful,things in my life but this has to be the ultimate worst and the worst pain i have ever felt.
> ...


Well hang in girl, we're here if needed

These early days are dark indeed and there never seems any hope but if you focus on yourself and what you need for now at any rate, things do become clearer, aims become simple and gradually a scheme develops about what you want and how to achieve it 

Day by day

Good luck


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## Rev. Clonn (Nov 11, 2013)

LoveNpieces,
I would like to make a suggestion, it may seem counter intuitive at first but think it through.
You seem to be triggering your sadness when in your home, seeing all the things that remind you of good times and your son. I would like to suggest you re-decorate. This can be therapeutic as it will keep you busy, and you will be cleaning and putting away the triggers. Then you can make a clean slate, painting, covering or removing furniture, and making your daily life have fewer things that make you sad. 
This doesn't have to be drastic or expensive, just changing the order of things and removing pictures or mementos can lead you in the right path mentally. Place the photos and things that remind you in a box in an out of the way place, you will still want them later.
Remember to keep exercising and eating right to make yourself stronger, and find a way to re-order your life. This will make your no or limited contact with your WH stronger and reinforce who you ant to be, with or without him.
God loves you and will carry you when you can't make it on your own. He has shown this in the support of family and even we the faceless on TAM. 
We are all sorry you are here, but we will do what we can to help you get through this.


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## LoveNpieces (Jan 8, 2014)

Thanks Headspin! 

As we all know each day is a battle of emotions. I have found some peace in prayer. I was never religious but in all this i have found myself crying and praying to God for mercy and help. Its the only time in the day i am truly at peace. I started class again today which is really tragic focusing on education when my mind is all over the place. It at least gets my mind off my husband and crying for some time. Thank you all for your support. It makes these days a little easier to have people to talk to who understand all my emotions and this horrible pain i feel. 

I wish to god that none of us have had to deal with this pain and agony :-(


Thanks Rev.!

I thought about that i might move things around try to make things a little different. Either way there are memories all over in all things here so no matter what i cant escape for now. I have to live with that sadly :-(. I dont even have to be home because even when im out everything reminds me of him, our foods, things we do together, everywhere i go i hear his name "Luis" :-( my heart sinks. I just have to find ways to not fall apart so badly. Im trying that now its all i can do. His mother told me he was asking a million questions about our trip and that he looked really worried and sad. I know my husband well and know he misses me and it just makes me feel worse bc he created all this :-(
Truth is my heart aches for him every moment and i cant help it :-(
All i can do is pray and live my life the best way i can for me and my son for now :-(


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