# Is this grief too?



## Bulfrog1987

While this feels so shameful to post I’m really struggling and assume it’s part of my grief of my husbands suicide back on the 5th of March.

Our marriage was wrecked toward the end of things, not over, but some very deep deep seeded hurts that without recognition of we’re never going to heal. My husband continued to be with me, want me sexually up until the last week or so, though it wasn’t anything intimate or loving.

Physically right now I’m so lonely. I long so terrible to be with someone just for touch or to remember what it was like when someone wanted me. I know it’s ridiculous, because I hated that before when allI was wanted for was my body and nothing more.

i feel gross, I feel ashamed, my husband hasn’t even been gone a month and I have these feelings. I love him, I miss him, I hate him all together. These feelings are so unbearable but I know I have to choice but to go through them.


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## Diana7

I would say this mixture of feelings is pretty normal when the marriage was unhappy but he made the decision to end his life. You are grieving for him, angry with him, sad that you couldn't make the marriage work, so many emotions swirling around. It's such early days, be kind to yourself and take a day at a time. 
I lost mum to suicide, it's horrible for those left behind, very different from a death to illness say. So many more emotions to deal with.
Allow yourself to feel the emotions and let them out when you can. I didn't do this, I had three small children to care for and had no space to grieve properly. I ended up with severe clinical depression so please don't make that mistake.


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## ConanHub

Bulfrog1987 said:


> While this feels so shameful to post I’m really struggling and assume it’s part of my grief of my husbands suicide back on the 5th of March.
> 
> Our marriage was wrecked toward the end of things, not over, but some very deep deep seeded hurts that without recognition of we’re never going to heal. My husband continued to be with me, want me sexually up until the last week or so, though it wasn’t anything intimate or loving.
> 
> Physically right now I’m so lonely. I long so terrible to be with someone just for touch or to remember what it was like when someone wanted me. I know it’s ridiculous, because I hated that before when allI was wanted for was my body and nothing more.
> 
> i feel gross, I feel ashamed, my husband hasn’t even been gone a month and I have these feelings. I love him, I miss him, I hate him all together. These feelings are so unbearable but I know I have to choice but to go through them.


Are you able to get some counseling?

I'm certain you need it. I'm uncertain how old your son is but he might need some help as well.

Your husband was mentally unhealthy for a very long time and I honestly don't believe you have been very healthy either.

I don't believe you are bad for experiencing the particular emotions and desires you described.

You're seeking comfort and security in the midsts of tragedy and trauma.

That's why you need someone professional to help you sort this out.

You are very vulnerable and prone to making choices that really might not be any good for you or your son.


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## Bulfrog1987

I am in the process of getting counseling. And I’m not a reactive person as far as seeking to fulfill any of those things right now, I just hate feeling them. We don’t have any insurance and my city is overrun with the need for counseling and the amount of therapists are very low compared to the need. 

Therefor I’m on a waitlist. My son is four, will be five in June. I plan to take him too, even if it’s just to plant the seed of seeking help is okay and nothing to be shamed about.


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## ConanHub

It's ok, human even, to feel the emotions and desire you are.

I understand about not wanting the feelings or even feeling guilty for experiencing them.

I remember the first time I laughed after a terrible tragedy years ago. I felt extremely guilty, like I didn't deserve to laugh ever again.


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## Bulfrog1987

ConanHub said:


> It's ok, human even, to feel the emotions and desire you are.
> 
> I understand about not wanting the feelings or even feeling guilty for experiencing them.
> 
> I remember the first time I laughed after a terrible tragedy years ago. I felt extremely guilty, like I didn't deserve to laugh ever again.


EXACTLY. The guilt I feel is horrendous and suffocating.


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## Affaircare

Bulfrog1987 said:


> While this feels so shameful to post I’m really struggling and assume it’s part of my grief of my husbands suicide back on the 5th of March.
> 
> Our marriage was wrecked toward the end of things, not over, but some very deep deep seeded hurts that without recognition of we’re never going to heal. My husband continued to be with me, want me sexually up until the last week or so, though it wasn’t anything intimate or loving.
> 
> Physically right now I’m so lonely. I long so terrible to be with someone just for touch or to remember what it was like when someone wanted me. I know it’s ridiculous, because I hated that before when allI was wanted for was my body and nothing more.
> 
> i feel gross, I feel ashamed, my husband hasn’t even been gone a month and I have these feelings. I love him, I miss him, I hate him all together. These feelings are so unbearable but I know I have to choice but to go through them.


@Bulfrog1987 ,

When a spouse dies, there are a LOT of emotions that swirl around, even in the best of circumstances. When my Dear Hubby died in 2017, we had known for five years that he had heart failure, and he loved me faithfully right up to his dying breath. Even so, with his death I fels some of the things you're feeling: SOOOOO physically alone...SOOOO longing for a touch. Part of what you lost when your husband died was the physical comfort of another person being there, and the connection of sexuality. 

@Bulfrog1987, I had the comfort having a happy marriage, and that is not something you were blessed with, so you have additional and more complicated grief. One good way of dealing with grief is the comfort of hugs or being held, or the comfort of someone's physical presence. You don't have that (or at least, maybe it's a parent or child...not a peer). So a lot of what you're feeling is actually pretty natural. Emotions come and go like the tide, and like ocean waves they wash in and overwhelm you. But as someone who's been there, I can tell you that gradually the waves come less and less often...and they aren't so deep that you drown and get knocked off your feet. It does take a while...but it does not last forever.

And you're not gross and have nothing to be ashamed of. You are still alive, and if you're alive that means you have sexual needs like any other living, breathing person. Sometimes it's release of tension. Sometimes it's the closeness. Sometimes it's feeling like someone desires you (for whatever reason). Sometimes it's just having someone THERE. All of these are legitimate wants and reasons to express sexuality. Your moral way of expressing your sexuality was suddenly ripped from you, so you never got to gradually diminish it. Thus it seems to me perfectly reasonable that you'd be kind of horny--and part of the complication of your grief is that you'd like the comfort from it all...from someone who is just no longer here. 

So I'd recommend two things: 1) Be kind to yourself. Right now is a REALLY hard time for you, so wherever you can, do kind things for your own self. 2) See if you can find a grief support group that helps you. My family was very helpful to me but thousands of miles away. My hubby's family was completely oblivious to me and hurt me tremendously. My church family was very understanding. And I found a grief support group where I could talk to other widows/widowers, and they understood! The first group I found just wallowed in their pain--that didn't help me. I felt so depressed! So I looked for another group and I found one that was uplifting and shared bible verses--that did help me. I still felt sad but I also didn't feel alone or quite so ashamed. I discovered that lots of people had the same struggles I did. 

Keep writing--we're here for you.


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## Lapm

Bulfrog1987 said:


> While this feels so shameful to post I’m really struggling and assume it’s part of my grief of my husbands suicide back on the 5th of March.
> 
> Our marriage was wrecked toward the end of things, not over, but some very deep deep seeded hurts that without recognition of we’re never going to heal. My husband continued to be with me, want me sexually up until the last week or so, though it wasn’t anything intimate or loving.
> 
> Physically right now I’m so lonely. I long so terrible to be with someone just for touch or to remember what it was like when someone wanted me. I know it’s ridiculous, because I hated that before when allI was wanted for was my body and nothing more.
> 
> i feel gross, I feel ashamed, my husband hasn’t even been gone a month and I have these feelings. I love him, I miss him, I hate him all together. These feelings are so unbearable but I know I have to choice but to go through them.
> 
> 
> After the death of a spouse, nothing is ”normal”. You’re processing a thousand different things right now, and every emotion imaginable. There’s nothing shameful or wrong about what you’re feeling. The emptiness and loneliness are overwhelming. This is all part of the grief process.
> 
> When my husband passed, what saved me was my grief groups. It really helped knowing that I wasn’t alone and all these thoughts and emotions were part of my “new normal“. I promise you it will get better, but it’s going to take a long time. Be kind to yourself. Take it one day at a time, or even one hour at a time.
> 
> Sending you a big hug. Because what you need most is someone to hold you and tell you it’ll be okay.


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## *Deidre*

I've discovered that the process of grief isn't always a steady straight line of progress. It may come and go, you may get triggered out of the blue five years from now even, and weep like it all just happened yesterday. I think that what you're feeling is a healthy grief response...and even acknowledging that you're feeling some kind of way, even if it's shame, is good to let it go through your mind and move on from it. I think when grief starts to become unhealthy is when it completely paralyzes us from moving forward.

Have you ever kept a journal/diary? It really can be helpful to write our thoughts on paper, reading them back, it's like they lose their power or something. I hope that you continue on the journey, feeling more peaceful. 🙏


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