# Where do I go from here?



## gizmo123 (Aug 3, 2012)

Hi All
Well, it's like this; I married my wife in 2010 ( October ). We weren't both first timers ( My third, her fourth ) we had a reasonable size wedding six grand, I sweated my butt off at work to pay for it, managed it, all okay so far... Anyhow, started getting the feeling something wasn't right around feb 2011 ( should explain that I'm ex police and have an inate sense of intuition for behaviour ), so did something I'm not particularly proud of and hacked her e mail account and looked at her phone ( phone was hard as she was keeping it very close ). Like I said not proud, but needs must when the devil drives...
Horrified to find that when I was at work she was conducting a sexual relationship with her ex husband even on the run up to the wedding. We split, but got back together a few months later, now I've found that she is continuing to contact her ex but more secretively than before, it may not be sexual, but none the less it is contact. Realise most of you will say get the hell out of there, but she has three grown up children who have between them produced four grand children in the four years we have been together, all of whom call me Grandad, grandpa or variations thereof. Because they are via her kids I have no blood ties and no rights and would lose them as well which would break my heart as I'm very fond and proud of them all.
What do I do? If I walk away from her I lose them, If I stay for them she will continue this relationship clandestinely and make me feel like the biggest loser that ever walked God's green Earth.
I really want to maim her ex but wouldn't want to serve a single day of prison time for his worthless arse.
What would you guys do? There are no property or financial issues at stake here, just emotional questions.
I don't want to be a stranger to my Grandchildren, but I don't want to be somebody's second best either...


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Just wondering, some random kids calling you grandpa is more important than standing up for yourself?


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## gizmo123 (Aug 3, 2012)

Hi Keko
Presume from your reply you aren't a Grand Parent?
As for "Random" they were all born after we got together, I saw them all from day one and watched as they walked and talked for the first time, played with them , held them, babysat them and changed and fed them, read them stories... hardly random Keko, that's the real deal as Grand Parenting goes..


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

No, Im far from being a grandparent. But let me rephrase it this way, your wife isn't their mother. Wouldn't their actual parents still let you see them incase you were to separate from your wife? Do they not know your wife has been a serial cheater for some time? Would they not be more sympathetic towards you?


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## gizmo123 (Aug 3, 2012)

In England we have a saying; "Blood is thicker than water" I think in this case it would apply. I would expect them to be on their Mother's side the woman they have known for thirty years, not some "Johnny come lately" of four years standing, no matter how sympathetic my case. If the roles were reversed I would be very offended if my kids sided with someone else. It would cause a lot of animosity were I to try and continue to see the kids. I suspect the easiest course would be to alienate me and Grandpa would become a distant memory for a two or four year old with relative ease and no sense of emotional loss.


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## gizmo123 (Aug 3, 2012)

Certainly not on their part, anyway. It would be for me.


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

Wow this is got to be tough..I just became a grandpa 10 mo. ago and I can't imagine loosing ties with the lil fella.

You haven't mentioned if you have confronted recently or not?
What's her response, defensive, sorry, angry she got caught?

Honestly it doesn't look good. You have to decide if those grandkids are worth living with a cheater for the rest of your life. Somehow, I don't see you putting up with that for long. 
I have known several police officers in my life and none of them had a problem with confrontation and standing up for themselves. It's obvious to me you are going to have to do both, soon.


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

Many of the posters here are not folks who mince words, Gizmo. We'll give it to you straight, and for a freshly betrayed spouse, that can be a bitter pill to swallow.

Nonetheless, you would be absolutely correct in assuming that many would tell you "get the hell out of there." I believe you absolutely should. Your wife is a chronic cheater with an _extremely_ strong attachment to her ex-husband. It sounds like she never got over him. Which suggests, to me at least, that she never had strong feelings for you. Perhaps she used you as a rebound relationship. Maybe she just wanted the security of marriage from you.

Regardless, the facts are the facts. She pursued a relationship with her ex-husband before, during and after your wedding. She was having sex with another man during _your_ honeymoon. You did the right thing by breaking things off with her, but you let her back in with seemingly no consequences. Your entire relationship with her was a charade, and you let her back into your life with only a slap on the proverbial wrist.

And now you've tied yourself down with emotional ties to the children of her children. I can tell they mean a lot to you, but heres the million dollar question - what's more important - being called grandpa by children who have no real blood-ties with you, or your self respect as a human being?

Right now, your wife is disrespecting you. She is continuing her affair with her ex, and she could care less about you or your sentimental attachment to her grandkids. She cares only about herself and her ex. So why is it worth staying in this sham marriage with her? Why can't you be a part of the grandchildren's lives if you divorce your cheating wife? I'm sure your stepchildren will understand, no?


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Detach from the kids now, before someone makes that decision for you. 

Otherwise what's your plan? Being a cuckhold for life in order to have some kids that are not related to you in any way call you granddad? I don't see that as a possibility, but that's me!


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## gizmo123 (Aug 3, 2012)

Hiya betrayed1
You can see my grandpa point of view for sure.
Not confronted her this time round, more at stake now.
I never had a problem with confrontation in my working life as a police offficer because it never really impacted on my personal life.
This is a different stage playing to a different audience!
At the risk of answering my own question I think I have to ante up and lay down the options; Keep him, lose me ( and take the loss of the Grandkids ). Or watch myself diminish as a person as the years go by and she continues doing what she has.
Now all I have to do is put the plan into action and that is the thing that I baulk at every time, that is the hardest thing imaginable to actually instigate... To have that conversation with all the commensurate risks that it involves...it's a potential life changer and one that will rip my heart out. Tell me how to start that conversation and I'll give you my car and both my motorbikes for free!!


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## gizmo123 (Aug 3, 2012)

Wow, strong views! Especially you Jibril! Acknowledgements to Costa200 as well but it is the taking of that step that stops me dead. I want it all, but I cannot have it, in confronting her I lose everything, by not confronting her I retain a part but second string, so to speak. All i see by confronting her is loneliness and starting all over again as a single unit.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

I don't have any answers for you Gizmo. I wish I did. I'm the wife of Betrayed1. We're working on our reconciliation. Our story is here on TAM but it is very lengthy. I guess I just wanted to say that I really felt like H & I had no chance to reconcile our marriage.... but here we are. I think that if we can that anyone can, but both parties have to want to reconcile..... and for all of the right reasons. 

I feel your pain regarding your grandchildren. We have 5 children, all young adults, and one 10 month old grandson. They say that blood is thicker than water, but tell that to any adoptive parent and you'll get a different story. The heart wants and loves what the heart wants and loves.

You have to talk to your wife. It's going to be hard. I have no idea what the outcome will be. I just wanted to say that I wish you well, I wish you happiness. Stay on TAM. It can be brutal, at times, but I think, in the end, it really has helped us. And when you feel alone, the support, here, can be the only thing that gets you through the darkest days. Often, it is easier pouring your heart out to faceless, nameless, virtual strangers on a message board than it is to your closest friends and family. We like to think that we are unbiased onlookers here, but I'll bet that my home isn't the only one where we have started talking about people with names like Dig, Regret, Calvin, CSS, Harken, All Messed Up, MattMatt, Bandit, Badblood, Complexity, FvStringpicker, etc.... like they were our friends.

Keep us posted and know that there are many others, here, who can empathize with your pain.


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

"Cake-Eating" is a popularized term here on these forums. Essentially, we use it to describe cheating spouses who have a secure and stable marriage, and who at the same time pursue affairs and refuse to give up one or the other.

As you know, you cannot have your cake _and_ eat it too. Your wife is a cake-eater, and you are letting her eat cake. You give her the secure marriage she wants, and she gets her emotional and sexual satisfaction from her ex-husband. By not confronting you're all but _serving_ her her cake, on a silver platter.

At the same time, you cannot have a healthy life and healthy self-respect if you stay with your wife, but you may lose your grandkids if you leave. You will need to make a choice. As I said, what is more important to you?

Don't stress the loneliness. If you could start up a relationship only two years ago, you can _certainly_ start one now. Jeez, it's not like you aged twenty years. 

I understand that you fear losing. But what if your _wife_ decides to divorce you and pursue her relationship with her ex? What then? You will have lost everything, _and_ your respect as well. No. Confront her now. You must stand up to her. She has refused to give up her affair, as you already learned by spying. Divorce her for good.

Be sure to expose the affair to her kids. As I said before, there's no reason why you cannot be a part of your grandkids lives. But you need to ask them. Your wife has _no_ say over what her kids agree to with you. It's _them_ you have to talk with on the matter. If you're honest about why you're divorcing their mother, and tell them you still want to be a part of their lives, I can see them being compassionate. I don't know them, mind you, and they may well side with their mother, if only to placate her and keep family reunions less awkward. But you won't know unless you talk to them.

But I really, _strongly_ urge you to confront her and stand up for yourself. You cannot let her play her cheating game, nor can you let the fear of losing what you have control your life. That's not a healthy way to live, mate.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Why were you the only one that paid for the marriage gizmo? And she was cheating on you before the marriage ?If the grand kids are so important, make it an open marriage. Looks like she is with you only for the money. You cannot expect her to respect you if you cannot respect yourself.

Better start your own thread


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## linwoodja (Aug 3, 2012)

Im far from being a grandparent


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## Ansley (Apr 5, 2010)

Defend your marriage. Call the ex and tell him to stay the hell away. Tell your wife you have talked to him and tell her you will tell her kids that grandma is a big time cheater. Tell her you want to goto counceling to air this out in a therapeutic setting. If she knows you mean business something will happen one way or another.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

gizmo123 said:


> What do I do? If I walk away from her I lose them, If I stay for them she will continue this relationship clandestinely and make me feel like the biggest loser that ever walked God's green Earth...


Only you can decide. I don't think they will cut you out.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

7 marriages beteen you guys and there is problems? Good luck!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you tried exposing to the adult children? Often humiliating the WS can be very effective.

Is ex with anyone? They should be the first person you expose to.


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