# Always disappointed



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I always feel disappointed by my husband. I hate feeling like this, but I can't help it. My husband always feels like he is letting me down and disappointing me. He hates feeling like this and I hate that he feels like this. But I honestly don't think I'm asking too much so it's super frustrating. I feel like he is making me become this person I don't want to become... A nag. We both work hard. I come home and work hard too. I do all the laundry, all the cleaning, and most of the cooking but to be honest we don't cook that much bc were both busy. We live in an apartment so he doesn't have to do yard work or whatever. All I want him to do is 1. Pick up after himself. 2. Take out the garbage. 3. Pay the bills. He never pays rent on time and we end up paying extra money bc it's late. The garbage overflows and there are multiple bags on top of the stairs all the time (and he walks right by them everyday).

So I decided that I will no longer nag him, and I will no longer ask him to do stuff and if I can do it I will just do it. I am going to stop being his mom, and just be happy and stop being disappointed by him.

So it's Saturday and Valentine's Day. Tomorrow he will be gone all day from 5am until the following afternoon (he is a resident and he is on call, so we won't be sleeping together). So right off the bat I know that he will be going to bed early. He spent the morning getting the flat tire on his car fixed. I was cleaning the whole day plus I am trying to de clutter. Then he comes home and spends the next couple of hours studying. Btw he doesn't have a test he just studies bc he likes to study. He says he is going to make me a vday dinner. So I notice there are 3 bags of trash that are still there from at least a week ago(from me de cluttering) and a large bin full of the Christmas decorations from months ago that I asked him to take to the garage after new years (bc it's super heavy). So I decided to just take it all down myself bc looking at it is making me more and more mad. (especially bc he walks right by multiple times a day for weeks and still hasn't gotten rid of then even after I asked him ). And BTW We haven't spent any time together yet today. Not even 10 mins together bc he is now studying in a room by himself. So then He goes and buys stuff for dinner. He comes home and it's 630 at night. Again we haven't spent anytime together yet. So he comes home, puts the grocery bags on the table and says ok well I'm going to go for a run then come back and cook for you. (He runs for like 8 miles and it will be at least 1-1.5hrs. 
I couldn't help it and my eyes started to fill up with tears, And again I feel disappointed. And we both end up feeling like crap. 

Are my expectations too high? Is it me?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

No, it's not you . He sounds pretty selfish. I assume you guys are pretty young? How long have you been married?


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Your expectations aren't high, but expectations are why you feel the way you do. 

I'd start by really focusing on self-happiness so that these things no longer bother you. When you get to this point you are better able to approach him for change.

Then communicate where you need things to go. You are not giving an ultimatum, but explaining where you need to be. He should take your hand and join you. This is a sincere conversation. It is an invitation. You explain your needs and the benefits that will be experienced by arriving there. He has to snap out of his funk, and the status quo won't do it. 


Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

My wife asks me to do stuff all the time, and I often don't get around to doing it. I have been making it a point to do more without her asking me. Here is what is likely happening... If you have fussed about these small things, he likely perceives helping as only a "negative" behavior in the relationship. As in, "taking out the trash is something that always has my wife upset with me." So then something as simple as trash gets bundled up with all those feelings about ourselves that lack self confidence and are reasons why we think that those around us do not really love us. 

So something as simple as "taking out the trash" becomes about facing the very things about us that are not worthy of being loved. We ignore it, we want that part us to just go away, but yet it piles up and gets uglier and uglier.

It is probably not a good idea for you to do these things for him, but instead offer to help do it together as a team. This in turn let him know that you care about the parts of him that perhaps he does not like about himself. It shows you care about helping him to become a better person and that you will not stand to allow ugly things pile up. 

Hope that helps, and keep in mind my advice may or may not be relevant.

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

He sounds immature. I deal with these issues with my husband too. He has been slowly slowly doing better. To be honest I gave up nagging him too. I just set my expectations lower and try to look postively that I am practicing patience and learning tolerance. I also resist the urge to pick up his messes and let him feel the consequences of his behavior as much as I can. I try to take care of things that are my business. It does build resentment so I tell him honestly it bothers me when we have talks about our feelings but otherwise I don't keep nagging him. It will take forever but for us it means less instability and fighting. Eventually he does realize he should change certain behaviors and he does make changes at his own pace. I did the same when I was growing up so I'm waiting it out I guess.

Maybe when you trip over the mountain of trash and sprain your ankle he will realize he needs to grow up and handle his responsibilities. If he still doesn't care than maybe he isn't one to change and you should seriously consider finding an already mature man. Living with an immature husband takes its toll, usually shortchanging you because you waste your energy on the relationship instead of your life's aspirations.
I recommend reading Should I Stay or Should I Go. It discusses destructive relationships including an immature husband and how to know if he is likely to mature or not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

Also if you are the religious type I recommend reading Sacred Marriage: What if God designed Marriage to make us Holy more than to make us Happy? Its from a Christian perspective but I'm Muslim and I got a lot out of it. Its about using marriage as a way to grow your character rather than expecting it to only make you excited and happy 24/7.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

I am sure being a resident is very stressful for him. Taking out the garbage is probably real low on his priority list. Can you afford someone to clean the apartment? That way you don't get stuck doing everything and he can concentrate getting through this part of his career.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If he's doing that much studying he's probably one track minded. I've been there.

I'd just say I can't do it all and you're busy were getting a maid service to help out.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

You both sound young. How old are you and how long have you been married?

He does sound immature. I'm guessing he's used to having his mom around doing everything for him. It sucks to have to do it, but you have to start being more direct. For example, if he's at home then hand him the garbage bag and ask him to take it. If he's not home, text him that you left the garbage out and that he needs to throw it when he gets home. Then when he gets home, ask him if he threw it. Don't accept excuses. 

As for today, it was definitely not cool of him to ignore you all day. But there's nothing wrong in telling him so. For example, when he brought up going for a run you should have said something like "Well, I was kind of hoping we would spend more time together today since you'll be gone tomorrow, can you skip the run today?". 

Unfortunately, he is not the kind of person who just gets it. He will need guidance from you. Not fair to you, but if you want to help save the marriage, it's what you'll need to do.


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

The whole mommy thing does not work. It just keeps him in the little boy position looking for mom's guidance and reminders. Its possible his is uber focused on his school and residency but the going for a run bit sounds like its really about immaturity.

It's not sexy or fun to be the mommy to your husband. It doesn't leave him room to figure things out either if youre always his crutch. He isnt a growing teenager, he's an adult stuck in immaturity. No amount of directness and reminding him will spur him to do it on his own. It just reinforces the mom-child dynamic and your continued role as the "nagger".

You should be clear about your feelings and what you are expecting him to do or not do, but as a discussion about your relationship and not as constant reminders every time he fails to do what you've asked.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Maybe you could "let go" of some of it.

Figure out the things that are important to your sanity (I know mine and my H's priorities at home are different!).... and ask him what his are. Go from there. 

Make a list of all the household things that NEED to be done. Then see what you can scratch off. If you each choose the things that are the most important to you chances are they will get done. 

And I KNOW that it doesn't seem fair....but don't you walk past that trash every day too? When I am cleaning or decluttering, I take out the trash as I go, so it won't BE THERE. I wouldn't wait for someone else to get it. 

I'm just thinking that maybe its time to rethink the chore division. For just two grown people, it shouldn't be a huge issue.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I don't think that the house chores and such are really the problem, those are just distractions of the real problem. The real problem seems to be that you both don't spend enough quality time together. But, if you are not getting along, he may not want to spend time together. And a vicious cycle begins. I'd just ask for some time to share how you're feeling with him, that you feel you both need more time together, and that you're feeling disconnected. Hopefully, he'll listen and want to help reconnect again.


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## lexis (Feb 11, 2016)

You've asked him repeatedly to take out the garbage. You don't ask much of him, and that certainly isn't unreasonable especially when the bags are too heavy to lift. He leaves the apartment- to go running- so presumably he's empty handed. All he has to do is pick up the garbage bags and bring them downstairs and throw it away on the way out the door. Easy enough, but he doesn't. He ignores your request - for MONTHS. Until you finally give up and do it yourself. 

He's being passive aggressive. He's being quietly hostile. He's saying to himself "Screw her it's not worth my minor effort to make her happy, my needs come first". He'll continue to act this way until you leave him, and then he'll blame you for all the problems in the relationship because you didn't communicate with him.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

We are both 30 years old and have been married for 5 years. I would love to hire help around the house but we are poor as can be. I'm in school and I have 40hrs of clinical plus class, he is a resident and makes crap and works like 80-100 hrs a week. Plus all of our student loans. Yes I know he is busy which is why I do Almost ALL the house work without complaint. I agree with Deidre that it's not about house chores, to me it's about respect. And I think that we are both so busy that we have grown resentful toward each other. I communicate very well with him all the issues I feel like we have, and all the things I need him to do and how I feel disrespected. He becomes defensive, says that it's because he is so busy, and says that no matter what he does it isn't good enough for me. He turns around my simple complaints and makes it about him then all of a sudden I'm the bad one. Babe... All I want is for you to throw out the trash that's piling up, it's not the serious. But nothing changes.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Celes said:


> You both sound young. How old are you and how long have you been married?
> 
> As for today, it was definitely not cool of him to ignore you all day. But there's nothing wrong in telling him so. For example, when he brought up going for a run you should have said something like "Well, I was kind of hoping we would spend more time together today since you'll be gone tomorrow, can you skip the run.
> 
> ...


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## lexis (Feb 11, 2016)

There are serious problems here. He's disconnecting from you, and it's not about his work or studies.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I agree lexis. He is impossible to talk to. He says he is happy and he loves me but I don't think his actions show that. He gets mad and disagrees with this statement and says that I make him feel like a horrible husband. I don't know if this is true or just him manipulating me. I suggested therapy but he said he is too busy and doesn't want to spend his very little free time arguing.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

If he has the time and energy to go on a 1.5 HOUR RUN (holy cow) then he has the time and energy to contribute to the household by carrying out some garbage. You know this, he knows this. Have you tried a simple and direct question, "why won't you take our garbage out?"


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Was he always like this? It sounds like you've both got a LOT on your plates doing residency and clinicals at the same time as each other. How much time does he get to decompress on his own in between all of those hours he spends on residency? 80-100 hours a week of work is no joke (not that your load is any lighter). 

Someone who can pull off the type of work that you are both currently doing isn't "lazy" in my opinion. To me it sounds like he's focusing intensely on his career and I'll give him the benefit of the doubt that he probably thinks that's his way of contributing to your marriage...making sure his future is secure for you both. However, he's neglecting to nurture the relationship by spending time with you in the meantime. Putting 100% of the effort into the future of his career is going to make it so that years from now when he's paid his dues and is in a steady place ready to come back and start focusing on the marriage, you'll be checked out and/or long gone. 

In my opinion he needs to gain the ability to tend to all things at once in little ways, rather than focusing intensely on only one aspect of his life and leaving the rest to gather dust. I am similar to your husband that when I lock onto something I want to see it get done and do it right. It took a long time for me to get used to having to reduce my standards for doing things and instead tend to everything in smaller chunks of time, even if I had to leave those things less than perfect before moving on to the next task. 

What do you think would make you happy? Is there a way you can ask him for a block of time each week to just be together? Probably can't be scheduled in stone every week if your rotations are changing constantly, but say a weekly date? 

Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

If I said, why don't you take the garbage out, he will get annoyed and be like ok I'll do it now but I have just been busy. I don't want to be his mother and tell him what to do all the time. I want a equal partner. I don't want to nag and ask him to do basic things. He's is a very very smart man, so I am not buying the "oh I didn't know" excuse. And it's not just the garbage. It's his socks, and clothes that he lays around. It's his cups and plates that he never puts in the sink. He just wants to do nothing or the bare minimum for some reason I don't know.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

katiecrna said:


> I agree lexis. He is impossible to talk to. He says he is happy and he loves me but I don't think his actions show that. He gets mad and disagrees with this statement and says that I make him feel like a horrible husband. I don't know if this is true or just him manipulating me. I suggested therapy but he said he is too busy and doesn't want to spend his very little free time arguing.


Your husband is pushing it all back on you.. He is NOT being reasonable .. I also feel you should be paying the rent, handling the biils... his neglect on getting it there on time & having to pay MORE is something that needs stopped immediately ...

You are by far the more responsible partner in this relationship.. 

The things you desire... his helping a little more around the house beings you have similar work schedules is understandable... how to get him to see how selfish & lazy he is being is another matter..

He should not be taking a run till he does a little work... I would imagine both your attitudes get flared here.. pushing you further away from each other.. 

Would he be willing to sit down with you.. piece of paper in hand.. draw a line down the middle .. and discuss what each of you should be responsible for...after work...Let him go first.. so he feels he has a voice... 

Try to iron out coming up with a plan you both can live with.. and hopefully he will try to honor his word.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Kag123 thanks for your input. What would make me happy is if he is more present in our marriage, and more understanding. He doesn't seem to understand, or get the point of why I'm upset. I told him how I feel disrespected bc X,y,z and his response is well I do respect you. I don't feel like you love me bc X,y,z, but I do love you. And no matter how much I explain things and end up crying trying to get him to understand all he can say is... But I do love you, but I do respect you. And nothing changes.


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## musiclover (Apr 26, 2017)

The bin of Christmas stuff still sitting there would piss me the hell off. I wish I had some advise, I don't.. It builds resentment, you get tired of asking, until you just don't bother anymore.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Simplyamorous we have done thing. We have sat down and talks about what he and I can realistically be responsible for. And it was him paying the bills, and doing the trash. And if he has time off he will help me with the other stuff. I think we have gotten into this problem of... I'm a nagging botching wife who is always disappointed in him, and he feels like he tries his best and it's never good enough. So our relationship is like I'm the mother who bosses him around and he is the defiant kid. I don't want to nag him and be disappointed by him but if I don't say anything he will literally not do anything and my resentment grows, and I try to ignore it until I end up flipping out over a bag of garbage (or whatever), then I look like the crazy one. But I can't do everything and I don't think I'm asking too much. Now our relationship is so tense that I can't remember the last time we actually laughed and had fun together. I don't want to be mean mommy but I also feel like he leaves me no choice bc I'm going crazy over here and I feel like a maid all the time.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

You're saying he is working 80-100 hours a week. Well, there are 168 hours in a week. Some of that time he has to sleep. Let's say he sleeps 6 hours a night. That's 42 hours of sleep a week. That's 126 hours minus the 80-100 work hours...leaves 26-46 hours per week for studying, exercising, and spending time with you. 

Most people have double that if they only work 40-50 hours a week. So, you have to look at it like an organization project. Get a calendar and PLAN things around his schedule since it's so demanding. 

If he wants to run - schedule that in, time alone - schedule it in, watching a movie with you - schedule it in. You BOTH have to be committed to sticking to it though. If you can't find a way to compromise the time, your marriage will suffer and possibly fail (as you can already see).

As far as the chores go, you both fill up the trash can. You both can take turns taking it out. If he can't remember to pay rent on time, you take it over. It really doesn't take that much time to do either of those things. If you want him to take more responsibility in the chore dept, then don't do his laundry. Let him do it. Start small. Don't start hitting him with everything all at once or he will shut down and not listen to you. He's a busy dude. He has a demanding career. It's rough right now, and it will even out once his residency is over, but for now, you both need to make compromises until the rough patch is over. 

For now, I would let the chores go and focus mostly on spending time together. If you're both working so much, the apt. shouldn't be that messy anyway since neither of you are hardly home. Once you start to prioritize time spent with each other - the other things start to seem less important. He might even start doing them on his own because he's happy ( I wouldn't bank on it, but it is a good possibility that he would be more willing to do those things). This is something that happens in a lot of marriages.

Out of curiosity, you say you have 40 hours a week of clinicals, and you're in school. Are the clinicals paid? If they aren't paid, are you also working additional hours or does your H bring home the income? If they are paid, please ignore the question. I'm not trying to be too nosey, but these things to make a HUGE difference and will determine how your H might be feeling right now. 

If he is working that much and bringing in a majority (or all) of the household income, he might be feeling really pressured. So, throwing things like the garbage or dishes into the mix probably in't even registering to him. It's just something extra to think about if it applies to you. If not, no big deal but the scheduling thing would be useful to a couple like you who are way too busy to just "let things happen".


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

katiecrna said:


> Kag123 thanks for your input. What would make me happy is if he is more present in our marriage, and more understanding. He doesn't seem to understand, or get the point of why I'm upset. I told him how I feel disrespected bc X,y,z and his response is well I do respect you. I don't feel like you love me bc X,y,z, but I do love you. And no matter how much I explain things and end up crying trying to get him to understand all he can say is... But I do love you, but I do respect you. And nothing changes.


In Meyers-Briggs terminology, it sounds like he is a P and you are a J. Prioritizing and organizing are not his strengths. But he is committed to you and loves you.

My husband is a P and I am a J. I think he is a very smart man, too, and a very good man. It is definitely why I respect him. But the lack of natural bent towards organization and correct prioritizing, at least in my view, has driven me crazy at times, too.

Keep talking to him about it. Be straight up. Don't build resentment; get it all out. Things will improve when he starts doing at least some of what you think he should be doing. But it may take a while.

What you can do: reduce your expectations as much as you reasonably can. Simplify. Your husband is never going to be a J. And you would not want that, anyway. They come with their own problems.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

My clinicals are not paid. I occasionally pick up a shift on the weekends here and there but honestly it's too much for me. I have one day of class with 3 classes in that day, every week there is at least one test or presentation. Then I have 40 hrs of clinical, either 3-12s, or 4-10s. And I have to drive an hour each way to get to clinical. Right now I'm doing 3-12s. I wake up at 430, drive to clinical, leave there at 7-730 drive an hour in NYC traffic. Come home at like 8-830 and I have "cook", shower and go to bed by 10 to wake up again at 430. So my 3 days off are usually spent cleaning the house, doing laundry, grocery shopping, food prepping for the days I can't cook, and studying for tests/presentations. My husband works way more, and he is sleep deprived 24/7. He literally comes home, once he gets to the top of the stairs he takes off all his clothes (leaves them on the ground) until he is wearing his boxers, and he climbs under the covers on the couch and falls asleep right away, or he eats first then falls asleep. He doesn't shower before he goes to bed. He had to take call every 3rd night. Which btw he has taken phone calls in the middle of the night on speaker phone while I was right next to him sleeping! I flipped my **** on him. Anyway, I get it he is busy, but so am I. But he always manages to find time to run, and watch soccer. And when he has a day off he just wants to relax and do nothing and I get that but that's not reality right now unfortunately.


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## lexis (Feb 11, 2016)

jld said:


> Prioritizing and organizing are not his strengths. But he is committed to you and loves you.


He doesn't love her enough to consider her feelings and acknowledge her requests which are more than reasonable. He can't pick up a bag of garbage and carry it outside when he's headed that way anyway.

If he loves her it's not the sort of love she wants or needs.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

lexis said:


> He doesn't love her enough to consider her feelings and acknowledge her requests which are more than reasonable. He can't pick up a bag of garbage and carry it outside when he's headed that way anyway.
> 
> If he loves her it's not the sort of love she wants or needs.


He is not speaking her love language, that's for sure.

Katie, tell him exactly what speaks love to you, and exactly what speaks a lack of love. Spell it out for him. 

Lol, I have totally lived this.  I can laugh now, but I totally know what it feels like to want to pull your hair out from frustration, while also feeling like he is still a great guy.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

katiecrna said:


> *My clinicals are not paid.* *I occasionally pick up a shift on the weekends here and there but honestly it's too much for me. *I have *one day of class *with 3 classes in that day, every week there is at least one test or presentation. Then I have 40 hrs of clinical, either 3-12s, or 4-10s. And I have to drive an hour each way to get to clinical. Right now I'm doing 3-12s. I wake up at 430, drive to clinical, leave there at 7-730 drive an hour in NYC traffic. Come home at like 8-830 and I have "cook", shower and go to bed by 10 to wake up again at 430. So my 3 days off are usually spent cleaning the house, doing laundry, grocery shopping, food prepping for the days I can't cook, and studying for tests/presentations. My husband works way more, and he is sleep deprived 24/7. He literally comes home, once he gets to the top of the stairs he takes off all his clothes (leaves them on the ground) until he is wearing his boxers, and he climbs under the covers on the couch and falls asleep right away, or he eats first then falls asleep. He doesn't shower before he goes to bed. He had to take call every 3rd night. Which btw he has taken phone calls in the middle of the night on speaker phone while I was right next to him sleeping! I flipped my **** on him. Anyway, I get it he is busy, but so am I. But he always manages to find time to run, and watch soccer. And when he has a day off he just wants to relax and do nothing and I get that but that's not reality right now unfortunately.


So, he's paying all of the bills. He's working 80-100 hours a week. He is sleep deprived. With his 26 -46 hours a week of non-work time, you're asking that he also take on more chores. 

You work 40 hours, non paid clinicals. Occasionally take up a shift. 

He literally works DOUBLE what you do AND he's being paid. So, he has the responsibility of making sure the bills are paid. 

You say you can't handle a job on top of your 40 hours clinicals and ONE day of class a week. But your H is supposed to handle 80-100 hours a week PLUS studying, PLUS exercise, PLUS spending time with you, PLUS having the responsibility of making sure the bills are paid. You couldn't handle all of that, so why are you expecting him to? And you're mad he can't remember chores? 

It doesn't take 3 days to clean a house. It takes like 3-4 hours for a deep clean TOPS. If you're just doing regular maintenance, it's like an hour and a half...at most. You have no children, your H is hardly home. The house can't be getting that messy! As far as grocery shopping and such goes, why is it taking 3 days for all of that? I mean you can get it all done in one day and have the other two days to do absolutely nothing if you wanted. 

You are expecting way too much from him, honestly. I agree with him. He is doing double what you do and you're mad that he can't remember the garbage?

There is a frequent saying here about chores for couples:

You take the hours you work and the hours your H works and compare them. Who ever is at home more, does the majority of the chores. In this case, that's you. 

I'm not saying that your H should throw his clothes on the floor, the least he could do is put them in a basket....

But getting mad at him for the amount of responsibility and work that he has right now is a bit overboard. I can completely understand where he is coming from. You should cut him some slack. 

I think you both could benefit from learning to compromise and prioritize each other.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

lexis said:


> He doesn't love her enough to consider her feelings and acknowledge her requests which are more than reasonable. He can't pick up a bag of garbage and carry it outside when he's headed that way anyway.
> 
> If he loves her it's not the sort of love she wants or needs.


Over a bag of trash? He doesn't love her because he doesn't take the trash out? Really? 

OR it could be that he's tired from working double what she is working. I mean...he's paying the bills. I guess he doesn't love her since he's giving her a roof over her head and a car to drive....food to eat, water to drink, clothes to wear....yeah he must not love her.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

staarz21 said:


> For now, I would let the chores go and focus mostly on spending time together. If you're both working so much, the apt. shouldn't be that messy anyway since neither of you are hardly home. Once you start to prioritize time spent with each other - the other things start to seem less important. He might even start doing them on his own because he's happy ( I wouldn't bank on it, but it is a good possibility that he would be more willing to do those things). This is something that happens in a lot of marriages.


I agree with this.

Katie, since I found TAM two years ago, I have spent a lot of time here. My husband has really stepped up in what he does, household-wise, and I have relaxed a lot of my expectations, household-wise. We are meeting closer to the middle.

It is a lot more enjoyable this way.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

staarz21 said:


> Over a bag of trash? He doesn't love her because he doesn't take the trash out? Really?
> 
> OR it could be that he's tired from working double what she is working. I mean...he's paying the bills. I guess he doesn't love her since he's giving her a roof over her head and a car to drive....food to eat, water to drink, clothes to wear....yeah he must not love her.


I think he gets energy in different ways than she does. They have to recognize that in each other, not see it as a cut of some kind.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

staarz21 said:


> *You're saying he is working 80-100 hours a week.* Well, there are 168 hours in a week. Some of that time he has to sleep. Let's say he sleeps 6 hours a night. That's 42 hours of sleep a week. That's 126 hours minus the 80-100 work hours...leaves 26-46 hours per week for studying, exercising, and spending time with you.


 I totally missed this.. MY LORD !!

and how many hours are you working katiecrna?



> Most people have double that if they only work 40-50 hours a week. So, you have to look at it like an organization project. Get a calendar and PLAN things around his schedule since it's so demanding.
> 
> If he wants to run - schedule that in, time alone - schedule it in, watching a movie with you - schedule it in. You BOTH have to be committed to sticking to it though.


 good advice.. his schedule would drag anyone down. 

Good post @staarz21 !


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

jld said:


> I think he gets energy in different ways than she does. They have to recognize that in each other, not see it as a cut of some kind.


I totally understand that, for sure. I just can't see being so angry over something so small. I mean, I've been with my H for 7.5 years now and I've learned to let some things go because he does work harder than I do. 

Almost everyone I know that has been successful in their marriage has learned to let things go. You have to look past yourself and see the marriage as the long term goal. 

Her H is working hard and he probably feels severely disrespected because of this stuff about the chores. 

He doesn't even get a full 48 hours a free time a week. A WEEK!!! 

That's crazy and I commend the guy for doing it. It won't be like this forever and a compromise on her part is necessary. 

I don't know, I just kind of feel bad for him.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I totally missed this.. MY LORD !!
> 
> and how many hours are you working katiecrna?
> 
> ...


She is working 40 hours a week non paid clinicals with one day of class a week.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

staarz21 said:


> I totally understand that, for sure. I just can't see being so angry over something so small. I mean, I've been with my H for 7.5 years now and I've learned to let some things go because he does work harder than I do.
> 
> Almost everyone I know that has been successful in their marriage has learned to let things go. You have to look past yourself and see the marriage as the long term goal.
> 
> ...


If she can let go and he can step up, they should be okay. It only takes a few minutes to take out garbage, and it would mean a lot to her.

She has to matter, too. Yes, he will make a lot of money. But it is not good for anyone to be completely deferred to. Being honest and open is healthier, at least in my opinion.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

staarz21 said:


> Over a bag of trash? He doesn't love her because he doesn't take the trash out? Really?
> 
> OR it could be that he's tired from working double what she is working. I mean...he's paying the bills. I guess he doesn't love her since he's giving her a roof over her head and a car to drive....food to eat, water to drink, clothes to wear....yeah he must not love her.


I have seen this argument before.. I think the disconnect is greatly related to one's *Love languages*.. I am not an Acts of service woman at all, bottom of my list.. . means nothing to me. I always take the garbage out, I burn it too.. to save him the trouble.. 

But I have this friend.. literally she would spend so much time mad over her husband not taking out this garbage, she got to the point she was going to let it overflow on the floor and she didn't care anymore (but she did -still fuming ) in my world this is like the dumbest thing I ever heard.. like just take the da** thing out already [email protected]#

 She is primary *Acts of Service*.. that just MEANS the world to her... .. Now she would never understand me getting Mad if my husband wasn't affectionate enough..That would pi$$ me off.. 

It's just 2 very different viewpoints...if the husband & wife are very out of sync in these love languages.. that poses another disconnect in understanding each other..


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

jld said:


> If she can let go and he can step up, they should be okay. It only takes a few minutes to take out garbage, and it would mean a lot to her.
> 
> She has to matter, too. Yes, he will make a lot of money. But it is not good for anyone to be completely deferred to. Being honest and open is healthier, at least in my opinion.


I agree. Trash is something easy to do. 

I think the way he is showing her she matters is by working as much as he is and not requiring her to get a job. Basically, he's allowing her what she needs in order to succeed since she can't handle more work. 

All he is getting in return for that is "You don't do enough". So, maybe she can leave an Orange sign on the front door that says, "Love you! Please grab the trash on the way out!! Have a good day!" 

My H and I leave notes like that all of the time...mostly they end up naughty, but still. :grin2:


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I am in clinical 40hrs a week. Plus and hour drive each way. So that's 46 hrs. I have class one day a week that I'm there for 8 hrs. These are graduate classes and like j said I have at least one test every week and/or s presentation to give. So that's 54 hours of work without studying included. (And without ALL the chores I do at home). I have to pass my tests with a B or higher or I fail out. My husband doesn't have any tests, he just likes to read bc he likes to learn not because he has to study for a test. He chooses to study. I HAVE to study. No I'm not mad at this. And yes like I said I know he works more which is why I'm fine with doing ALL the laundry, cleaning,cooking, and grocery shopping. So yes I do the most of the house work and I'm happy to do it. He ONLY has to take out the trash which he continuously fails to do. So I end up doing it! Nobody asks him to run for 8 miles, he chooses to. But still walks by the garbage as he walks out the door to run. The Christmas bin was really really heavy and j asked him nicely to put it in the garage, he didn't do it... For months. I don't think asking him to take out the garbage, and pay the bills is too much at all, and he will tell you the same. Yet he fails to do both in a timely manner. When he doesn't do these on time I don't get mad at all. I tell him babe if you know that your getting busy and can't pay rent on time tell me and I will do it! But he never does and rent is never paid on time. I get he is busy, but he literally doesn't pick up after himself. I have to pick up after his clothes that he leaves around, and his plates and dishes. Bc when he is done eating he falls asleep on the couch and doesn't pick up after himself. So I do it. Hes too tired to put his clothes in a bin, and plates in the sink but he isn't too tired to run for 8 miles. I'm super nice and understanding that he is busy and stressed, but I think he is taking advantage of it, and he has a horrible attitude. I try to make him life easier, and I do. He makes me life much harder, and has a bad attitude while doing it.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

You both have too much on your plate.. you are living the rat race.. can you afford a cleaning woman? .. this would help a great deal..


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

katiecrna said:


> I am in clinical 40hrs a week. Plus and hour drive each way. So that's 46 hrs. I have class one day a week that I'm there for 8 hrs. These are graduate classes and like j said I have at least one test every week and/or s presentation to give. So that's 54 hours of work without studying included. (And without ALL the chores I do at home). I have to pass my tests with a B or higher or I fail out. My husband doesn't have any tests, he just likes to read bc he likes to learn not because he has to study for a test. He chooses to study. I HAVE to study. No I'm not mad at this. And yes like I said I know he works more which is why I'm fine with doing ALL the laundry, cleaning,cooking, and grocery shopping. So yes I do the most of the house work and I'm happy to do it. He ONLY has to take out the trash which he continuously fails to do. So I end up doing it! Nobody asks him to run for 8 miles, he chooses to. But still walks by the garbage as he walks out the door to run. The Christmas bin was really really heavy and j asked him nicely to put it in the garage, he didn't do it... For months. I don't think asking him to take out the garbage, and pay the bills is too much at all, and he will tell you the same. Yet he fails to do both in a timely manner. When he doesn't do these on time I don't get mad at all. I tell him babe if you know that your getting busy and can't pay rent on time tell me and I will do it! But he never does and rent is never paid on time. I get he is busy, but he literally doesn't pick up after himself. I have to pick up after his clothes that he leaves around, and his plates and dishes. Bc when he is done eating he falls asleep on the couch and doesn't pick up after himself. So I do it. Hes too tired to put his clothes in a bin, and plates in the sink but he isn't too tired to run for 8 miles. I'm super nice and understanding that he is busy and stressed, but I think he is taking advantage of it, and he has a horrible attitude. I try to make him life easier, and I do. He makes me life much harder, and has a bad attitude while doing it.


And this is affecting your respect for him. Not a good place for him to be in.

Maybe I am just cheap, but I would take over paying the bills pronto. I can't stand to see money wasted. Another J trait, I think.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

My husband wanted to be a pediatrician. He then fell in love with surgery during medical school. He told me that if I don't want him to do it he won't. I told him that I will go wherever he goes and support every dream he has as long as it makes him happy. Because all I want is for him to be happy, I have no problem sacrificing so much (him never being home, me spending holidays away from family, and sometimes at the hospital on call room). As long as he is happy it's worth it to me. And also I told him one day it will be my turn for him to sacrifice and support my dream of being a CRNA. He agreed 100%. I'm finally in CRNA school and I couldn't be happier that we both have what we want. My school is 2 years full time. I have been with him from undergrad (studying like crazy to get into med school), medical school( I worked full time and obviously he couldn't work), and now residency, and it's been 4 years of residency. We only started having problems since I've been in school, I'm half way done. 2 years is a drop in the bucket compared to what ive been though for him.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

katiecrna said:


> My husband wanted to be a pediatrician. He then fell in love with surgery during medical school. He told me that if I don't want him to do it he won't. I told him that I will go wherever he goes and support every dream he has as long as it makes him happy. Because all I want is for him to be happy, I have no problem sacrificing so much (him never being home, me spending holidays away from family, and sometimes at the hospital on call room). As long as he is happy it's worth it to me. And also I told him one day it will be my turn for him to sacrifice and support my dream of being a CRNA. He agreed 100%. I'm finally in CRNA school and I couldn't be happier that we both have what we want. My school is 2 years full time. I have been with him from undergrad (studying like crazy to get into med school), medical school( I worked full time and obviously he couldn't work), and now residency, and it's been 4 years of residency. We only started having problems since I've been in school, I'm half way done. 2 years is a drop in the bucket compared to what ive been though for him.


I believe that, Katie. I don't feel sorry for him at all. You are one terrific wife.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> So after my eyes filled up with tears, he said ok never mind I guess I won't run. And I told him that if that's what he wants to do then do it. I them gave him a whole conversation at why I'm upset. He got annoyed. And I know it's because in his mind he is trying to do the best he can and its not good enough. But sorry to me, that's not good enough. So dinner was awkward, but nice. Then we watched a movie, which he fell asleep half way through. We did not have sex. He did not even try.


You can't approach him that way for him to change. Someone stuck in a funk will see it as an attack. He will feel victimized.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Taking out the garbage, and paying bills is all this man is asked to do domestically. He does not even need to be responsible for picking his own clothes up off the floor where he lets them drop, or bring his dirty dishes from the living room into the kitchen. My children, when they were four years old, were responsible for picking their clothes up off of the floor and bringing dishes into the kitchen. Go into any preschool and you will see the same expectation.

If he were a single man, he would have to pay his bills, take out his garbage, pick up his clothes from the floor, bring his dishes into the kitchen. He would also have to shop, cook, do the dishes, do his laundry, and even if living with very slack housekeeping standards, at least SOMEtimes clean the bathroom, vacuum or sweep, change his sheets. 

Garbage and bills as an expectation are not much at all. She is doing everything else.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Relationship Teacher said:


> You can't approach him that way for him to change. Someone stuck in a funk will see it as an attack. He will feel victimized.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What do you suggest?


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

jld said:


> What do you suggest?


Well he isn't going to change overnight, unfortunately. There really is no way to get this Valentine's Day to be along the lines of what is needed. Approaching him was sure to make it awkward, even if he needed a good kick in the butt. Partners want to feel like they "make" each other happy. It is very likely that even if he was 100% wrong, he would retrench, feeling hurt.

It may be a hard pill to swallow, but this turnaround will take a bit of time. It will involve hurt feelings on his part, but we do this to minimize her hurt feelings and to actually get her what she needs. 

1. Drop any expectations
2. Accept the conditions
3. Give love anyways
4. Learn to communicate without giving it being affected by manipulation. She has to lay out the facts and do it in an unwavering manner. The hardest part is always dealing with the other person's reaction. 1 and 2 help guide the person trough this communicative effort.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Thank you relationship teacher. So I should just continue to do everything I can around the house, and stop complaining to him, And hopefully he will come around? I know that he doesn't feel like I appreciate him and I too don't feel appreciated. I still can't that our relationship has got to this point. I hope we can weather this storm and finish his residency with minimal damage to our relationship. I appreciate everyone's input!


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## lexis (Feb 11, 2016)

staarz21 said:


> Over a bag of trash? He doesn't love her because he doesn't take the trash out? Really?
> 
> OR it could be that he's tired from working double what she is working. I mean...he's paying the bills. I guess he doesn't love her since he's giving her a roof over her head and a car to drive....food to eat, water to drink, clothes to wear....yeah he must not love her.


She's paying her own share of the bills, he's providing for himself, and indirectly for her. That doesn't mean he can't throw his clothes in the hamper or pick up a bag of garbage on the way out of the house.

He doesn't care, and it shows.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

katiecrna said:


> Thank you relationship teacher. So I should just continue to do everything I can around the house, and stop complaining to him, And hopefully he will come around? I know that he doesn't feel like I appreciate him and I too don't feel appreciated. I still can't that our relationship has got to this point. I hope we can weather this storm and finish his residency with minimal damage to our relationship. I appreciate everyone's input!


Try to speak his love language, even though you feel hurt. I would, anyway. But express your needs, too. No hiding.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I know that his behavior is a product of my nagging and not appreciating him through this stressful busy time in his life. If I can take it back I would. I just hope the damage I caused is not irreversible.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

katiecrna said:


> I know that his behavior is a product of my nagging and not appreciating him through this stressful busy time in his life. If I can take it back I would. I just hope the damage I caused is not irreversible.


Communicate all this to him.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

katiecrna said:


> Thank you relationship teacher. So I should just continue to do everything I can around the house, and stop complaining to him, And hopefully he will come around? I know that he doesn't feel like I appreciate him and I too don't feel appreciated. I still can't that our relationship has got to this point. *I hope we can weather this storm and finish his residency with minimal damage to our relationship. *I appreciate everyone's input!


You are not alone.. I googled this sort of situation.. not easy on any couple... read some similar stories here ...

 What it is like to be the spouse of a medical student/resident?
In addition, what advice would you give to help manage the strain that medical school/residency can have on the family?


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

lexis said:


> She's paying her own share of the bills, he's providing for himself, and indirectly for her. That doesn't mean he can't throw his clothes in the hamper or pick up a bag of garbage on the way out of the house.
> 
> He doesn't care, and it shows.


She isn't being paid for her work. So, how is she paying bills? The bills are on him right now on top of his work load and the type of job he has.

I agree, he can throw his clothes into the hamper and he can take a bag of trash to the dumpster on his way out the door. They need to find a way to communicate that. Leave notes, make a calendar...etc. I've said this over and over. 

But there are people here saying he is lazy and irresponsible. He's not. He's only got 46 hours a week to get things done in the relationship.

People are saying he doesn't love her because he doesn't take out the trash? That's just silly. He's working his @ss off right now. Part of that is providing for his W right now while she is in school. I think that shows a great deal of love. 


If they can learn to communicate and be aware of the sacrifices that EACH of them is making, this marriage can survive. 

Someone mentioned that if he was single, he would still have to do all of these things....

That's true. EXCEPT....he would get to do them on his own timeline. So, those things will get done, but they will get done when he wants them to. What's so wrong with that? Why does she get to determine when they get done? The chores aren't important to him since he's got bigger things to worry about. I am certain he would get around to doing them eventually, when they started to bother HIM. However, right now, they are only bothering the OP. 

Again, the man only gets...at most, 46 hours a week to spend time with OP, study, workout, and take some down time. I guarantee you, chores are not even on his mind. 

The compromise she wants right now is for him to work up to 100 hours a week, plus do the chores when she wants them done because the mess bothers her. The mess doesn't bother him so he doesn't feel the need to get it done immediately. Why does she get to choose when he's the one working double what she is?

What it should be is: they outline chores each of them are responsible for. For example, she wants him to do the garbage. So, he can have garbage, laundry, and dishes when he's home (though he's hardly there for 2 days a week so dishes seems like a stretch). He can also grocery shop every other week and they swap weeks cleaning the toilet. 

BUT.....

He gets to do the laundry, dishes, shopping, and take out the trash on his own timeline. So long as it's done once a week...there shouldn't be a problem right? 

That way he is responsible for his part of the mess. The problem most people run in to is that one wants it done NOW and the other one thinks it can wait. Why is the person who wants it done now, the right one? 

Again, sit and make a chart or a calendar...hell make both. Leave notes. After a while it becomes a habit. But it takes a long while.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

katiecrna said:


> Thank you relationship teacher. So I should just continue to do everything I can around the house, and stop complaining to him, And hopefully he will come around? I know that he doesn't feel like I appreciate him and I too don't feel appreciated. I still can't that our relationship has got to this point. I hope we can weather this storm and finish his residency with minimal damage to our relationship. I appreciate everyone's input!


Look, I'm not trying to be a hard ass to you. My H is in the military. He deploys often. At first, I did feel like I was being shafted at every turn. It's HARD to raise those kids not knowing if your H is coming home or not. He's literally been gone for half of our relationship and most of out kids lives. 

You just have to adjust the way you see his point of view. Try to put yourself in his shoes. I couldn't imagine at first how my H felt when he deployed. I thought he felt like he was getting away from the crazy life at home and having a good time with his buds over there(there were a few deployments that were NOT combat zones) because he was always talking about them laughing, joking, playing games, etc. Meanwhile, I was ready to pull my hair out with babies while I was alone and away from family. 

That's not the case. We finally sat and talked. He was terrified of leaving every time. He HATED it so much it made him sick sometimes. He was nervous I would leave him. He worried what would happen to me and the kids if he died over there....etc. I felt so terrible for ever having the thoughts I did. 


It's a learning curve to put yourself in someone else's shoes, especially a partner. Sometimes, we don't see or hear the sacrifices they are making.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I like your message, stars, of putting herself in his shoes. It would help if he would do that, too.

Katie, you could try letting as much go as possible. In a year or two everything will be much easier.


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## lexis (Feb 11, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> I know that his behavior is a product of my nagging and not appreciating him through this stressful busy time in his life. If I can take it back I would. I just hope the damage I caused is not irreversible.


Stop blaming yourself. His long work hours are no excuse to ignore your reasonable requests. It doesn't take him any longer to walk out the door with a garbage bag in his hand.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Staarz21 I feel like you are mistaken. I don't tell him to do anything NOW, obviously bc things pile up. He does things on his own time, trust me. I worked full time for years and supported him. Now i went back to school to accomplish my goals/dreams and the little money he makes AND my student loans are what pays the bills. For now. He does not make near enough money to support himself let alone both of us. Yes the chores are not important to him, and either am I, clearly. And that is the point of my original post. Not the chores. He spent 4 hours reading and watching soccer, while I cleaned the whole house on Valentine's Day. He didn't ask if he could help, and I would of said no anyways. He wasn't busy. I took the trash out and the huge heavy Christmas bin. Why? Bc I wasn't busy and I could do it, and I don't want to keep asking him to do things that I think he should already do. He wasn't tired because he then wanted to go for a 8 mile run. I am disappointed bc of how to decided to spent his Valentine's day. We barely get to spend time together. It was Valentine's Day, he had a full day off. He wasn't busy and he wasn't tired. I wasn't mad, I was in a great mood, and then when he told me he was going to go for a run I couldn't help but feel incredible sad and I couldn't control my tears. He didn't hug me all day, he didn't kiss me. Yes obviously chores are not important to him, but either am I and I think he made it perfectly clear yesterday. So today, I am home alone all day, and all night again. And I can't help but feel disappointed.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

But God forbid I say anything to him! He will then get mad and lecture me about how busy he is, and how know matter what he does he can't make me happy, and how I make him feel like a horrible husband.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

katiecrna said:


> But God forbid I say anything to him! He will then get mad and lecture me about how busy he is, and how know matter what he does he can't make me happy, and how I make him feel like a horrible husband.


It would help if he would take responsibility for his feelings, instead of expecting you to. No wonder you feel like his mom.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

katiecrna said:


> Staarz21 I feel like you are mistaken. I don't tell him to do anything NOW, obviously bc things pile up. He does things on his own time, trust me. I worked full time for years and supported him. Now i went back to school to accomplish my goals/dreams and the little money he makes AND my student loans are what pays the bills. For now. He does not make near enough money to support himself let alone both of us. Yes the chores are not important to him, and either am I, clearly. And that is the point of my original post. Not the chores. He spent 4 hours reading and watching soccer, while I cleaned the whole house on Valentine's Day. He didn't ask if he could help, and I would of said no anyways. He wasn't busy. I took the trash out and the huge heavy Christmas bin. Why? Bc I wasn't busy and I could do it, and I don't want to keep asking him to do things that I think he should already do. He wasn't tired because he then wanted to go for a 8 mile run. I am disappointed bc of how to decided to spent his Valentine's day. We barely get to spend time together. It was Valentine's Day, he had a full day off. He wasn't busy and he wasn't tired. I wasn't mad, I was in a great mood, and then when he told me he was going to go for a run I couldn't help but feel incredible sad and I couldn't control my tears. He didn't hug me all day, he didn't kiss me. Yes obviously chores are not important to him, but either am I and I think he made it perfectly clear yesterday. So today, I am home alone all day, and all night again. And I can't help but feel disappointed.


(((Katie)))

I don't think he meant for you to feel that way. I think there is a big lack of understanding, though. There needs to be more effective communication, and he does need to step up. He is not a single man. Married men cannot think of just themselves.


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

Katie, I do not think waiting until your husband is less busy is going to help. When will he stop using the excuse that he is busy? Probably never.

You need to keep the pressure on him. Please do not hide your feelings or your resentment. Please keep in mind, you are not angry at him because he works a lot. You are angry because he does not even try to do the little things that make you happy.

He may feel the need to relax, but he needs to understand that he should take that time from watching soccer or doing free studies, not from the time with you.


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## Froggi (Sep 10, 2014)

I think he's an ass. If he can run then he can damn well not leave his **** all over and take out the trash.

She is not his maid. I don't care if she gets paid or not. It doesn't excuse him from being a considerate person.

I swear people act like a man will lose his private parts if he actually does housework.


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

I'm sorry you are going through this right now. It really does suck. There are a lot of similarities between your relationship and mine. I know its hard but unless you are considering leaving him, I would advise letting these issues go. No matter how much he is working, you are right that he is making time for long runs and "fun" studying. This is a sign of immaturity on his part. He is only thinking of himself and doesn't feel like he should have to make sacrifices or compromises for his relationship. But the reality is, he is not going to mature while working so much, being exhausted, and being financially stressed. 

I really feel for you because my husband has done much of the same as yours. He also was intently focused on undergrad and then grad school (Engineering), does extra studying for fun, and hits the gym a LOT. I would leave trash for him and he would walk past it. We've had the 'why can't you just grab it when you walk past it everyday' argument MANY times. He comes home drops his clothes all over the floor and sleeps right away. He doesn't pick up dishes after himself either. He has missed many special days and variations of 'i'm going to the gym and then I will do.... for our special day'. When I would ask him about not making time for us he would also say, I'm busy or I forgot. He also says he feels he is making me so unhappy and he is a bad husband but that he still loves me so much. Really a lot of the same stuff here. 

We got stuck in mommy/defiant child roles and it sucked big time. Not fun at all. He started improving after he took time off from grad school and got a well-paying job. There were a lot of resentments built up and it was and still has been extremely difficult to work on. But no improvements were made at all until he was working a job that took off our financial burdens and eased some of his stress. I also worked a lot on myself to give him more respect and reduce my mommy role towards him. I'm not going to lie, we have a lot of issues going on and have been teetering on the brink of separation. We have two kids together and have had to handle my postpartum depression on top of everything else. 

If this is the main thing bothering you about your relationship, then let it go for now. Yes he can always say he is busy, he is doing that because of immaturity. But he definitely isn't going to make any big gains in personal growth while working 80-100 hours a week. I used to feel so disrespected by things my husband wouldn't do. But that was making me miserable. Its not the event that upsets you but your beliefs about it that leaves you so mad. Stop viewing it as disrespect every time he YET AGAIN fails to do what a mature partner should do. Just acknowledge to yourself that he is being immature and bear with it until he has the time and rest to work on personal growth.

ETA: I want to add that for the first time in our relationship I didn't expect or demand anything to celebrate Valentine's Day. I didn't drop any hints or suggestions. I just focused on my oldest son and told my husband that I wanted to get him a little Valentine's gift. Normally I would get really upset and cry when he didn't surprise me with anything. I would feel like he doesn't care about us. But this morning I woke up to roses on my nightstand, breakfast and a clean house. He also bought a toy for our son. He has never done anything like that without me asking or hinting. I just want to say, you might be surprised how he will change if you focus more on your personal growth rather than wasting your time on what he does wrong in the relationship.


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