# am I over-reacting



## hurtone (Nov 24, 2008)

My H and I have been married for 24 years. So you know we have been through a lot of ups and downs. Lately though, he talks to me like I am his child, not his wife of 24 years. He has become very opinionated too. Now, when we try to discuss a stressful issue, he starts talking down to me, like a child, I have asked him to just "talk" to me, have a conversation to discuss it. 

So, the other night, Friday night, he had a few drinks before coming home. He was early around 7p.m. He had received some bad news by mail and was showing it to me and started his talking down thing again. I told him that my sister had just gotten laid off from her 16 year job and he got mad that I was saying that was more important than what we were discussing. I just walked away from him because it wasn't getting anywhere and he said, and I quote . . . "what a f**king idiot". 

How am I supposed to react to that. I did try one time to remind him of what just happened and he just blew it off. I have not talked to him all weekend. I expected a major apology, flowers, dinner??? I am so deeply hurt that he has not tried to clear the air. Did I mention we've been married for 24 years? 

Any suggestions here???? Thanks!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Sounds like he is feeling really inferior so he's trying to dominate you. He feels worthless so he's trying to bring you down so he can feel better then you, or just better in general.

Im not one to stay quiet when it comes to someone verbally abusing me, or abusing me period. I let them know. When my H makes a big mistake he knows what the consequences are and i dont let up until he apologizes, and i mean really apologizes. 

If your H was drunk maybe he doesnt even remember saying it? 

i think you need to tell him exactly how what he said made you feel. and if he just gets defensive and wont apologize, then i think you need to have some consequences.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

No you are not over reacting. He has no right to such verbal abuse in his reference to you. I suspect there are other issues in the marriage he may be dealing with and this new behavior is his way of retaliation. Have the two of you had other issues lately?


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

hurtone said:


> I just walked away from him because it wasn't getting anywhere and he said, and I quote . . . "what a f**king idiot".
> ...I have not talked to him all weekend.


did you over react by not talking to him all weekend? no, you were protecting yourself from not being called a ****ing idiot again.

ask yourself this: if someone called HIM a ****ing idiot at work, what would HIS reaction be?


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## hurtone (Nov 24, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> i think you need to tell him exactly how what he said made you feel. and if he just gets defensive and wont apologize, then i think you need to have some consequences.


I did this that evening, but he just blew me off. I really am very shocked that he has not said anything else about this.

What sort of "consequences"????


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## hurtone (Nov 24, 2008)

Amplexor said:


> No you are not over reacting. He has no right to such verbal abuse in his reference to you. I suspect there are other issues in the marriage he may be dealing with and this new behavior is his way of retaliation. Have the two of you had other issues lately?



We have not had any real marital issues lately. (None that I know of.) We are arguing more than usual. It seems like we are growing apart. I think that I am seeing more things that I don't want to put up with and I don't know if I am just now noticing these things or if they are just starting???? 

I don't want to bring up this issue with him again - I want him to come to me. I don't want to beg for an apology. I don't know how long to wait. I feel crazy about all of this.  Like, should I move into the guest bedroom, or move out all together. I don't think he realizes how this last thing has affected me. Even my 21 year old daughter is shocked at the fact that he has not said anything to me.

I appreciate all of your input.


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## hurtone (Nov 24, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> Sounds like he is feeling really inferior so he's trying to dominate you. He feels worthless so he's trying to bring you down so he can feel better then you, or just better in general.


I have had another person tell me this. Maybe I don't boost him up enough. A lot of times when we argue he says that I always make him out to be the bad guy, the one that is wrong.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

hurtone said:


> I have had another person tell me this. Maybe I don't boost him up enough. A lot of times when we argue he says that I always make him out to be the bad guy, the one that is wrong.


i'm trying to find in your original post where he deserves to be made out as anything other than the bad guy. help me if i'm wrong...


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## hurtone (Nov 24, 2008)

I keep wanting to make excuses for him. Things are not easy these days, a lot of stress. I am very moody a few weeks out of the month - but I don't verbally abuse anyone. 

Can you tell I am having a real hard time sorting this out in my head. I am considering calling a counselor. We have an EAP at work and I could go 3 sessions for free! What do you all think?


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

hurtone said:


> I keep wanting to make excuses for him. Things are not easy these days, a lot of stress. I am very moody a few weeks out of the month - but I don't verbally abuse anyone.
> 
> Can you tell I am having a real hard time sorting this out in my head. I am considering calling a counselor. We have an EAP at work and I could go 3 sessions for free! What do you all think?


can't think of a better time to take action than now...make the call.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

hurtone said:


> What sort of "consequences"????


it sounds like he's really going through something. he's experiencing some serious self worth issues, and taking it out on you. put some emotional space between the two of you. if it was my H that said that my consequences for him would be that he would sleep on the couch, or guest room in your case, and I wouldn't talk to him about anything personal until he tells me what is going on. If he wouldn't vacate the bedroom, then id go to a very nice hotel until he agreed. my H understands money better then anything so it works. 

You just have to find what makes your H wake up and make a choice. my H would sit in limbo and ignore the problem as long as possible. i have to strongly influence him to make a choice by making him uncomfortable being indifferent.


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## hurtone (Nov 24, 2008)

That is exactly what I am trying to do. I just feel like screaming at him that I can't believe he is just ignoring this. But, I AM NOT GOING TO DO THAT. 

I will just keep up the cold shoulder thing. It is hard, isn't it? It's not like we have never had a bad fight. But this is worse than anything to me. 

Hopefully he will see the light before too long - I feel like I am going to have a heart attack. This is so not fair.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

hurtone said:


> That is exactly what I am trying to do. I just feel like screaming at him that I can't believe he is just ignoring this. But, I AM NOT GOING TO DO THAT.


that's good. i tried that approach and it really didnt work out.



hurtone said:


> I will just keep up the cold shoulder thing. It is hard, isn't it? It's not like we have never had a bad fight. But this is worse than anything to me.


Ive also tried giving the cold shoulder and silent treatment. i dont know if these are the same to you. neither really worked for me. i usually gave in. i read an article once that said men are really good at giving the silent treatment but women are more likely to break first. so i fell in the 'more likely' category. my guy could probably go days without talking to me, which drives me absolutely nuts. 

i actually started reading a book called _Seat of the Soul_ by Gary Zukav. I know it sounds corny but its all about how to react to anger and how to calm your soul. It really helped me. Zukav teaches about reincarnation, which i dont believe in, but its a good read all the same.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

hurtone said:


> We have not had any real marital issues lately. (None that I know of.) We are arguing more than usual. It seems like we are growing apart. I think that I am seeing more things that I don't want to put up with and I don't know if I am just now noticing these things or if they are just starting????


Frequently when couples find themselves arguing more they don’t realize the arguments are just symptoms of deeper issues. A way to release pent up anxiety or anger. Growing apart and be the same kind of reaction. It is possible he is overstressed but again I suggest the two of you need to discuss what might truly be troubling you. I suspect he is harboring some issue in the marriage and is not wanting to address it.


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