# we have sex but it lacks passion



## FORTIFIEDORANGE (Mar 27, 2017)

So this is my first post.
My wife and i have been married for about 5 years. we have kids, and we have sex 4-6 times a month on average.

my wife gives off this vibe that she doesn't care about sex or even really like it. She always kind of has had this vibe for a long time now, i can't really remember her really being very passionate about it since we met. I've had a few past lovers that were very passionate about it, would initiate it, would have multiple orgasms, enjoyed receiving oral, would make out with me for long time before, would have a lot of foreplay etc. 

The frequency of the sex is not my concern, it is the lack of passion. I am not sure why it is this way or how to fix it.

I've voiced my concern to my wife but it seems to backfire or just cause more issues. 

During sex it sort of goes like this: "hey, lets have sex" after the kids are in bed, or there is just an unspoken acknowledgement that it is our routine time since it's been 5 days, so she rolls over onto her side of the bed, takes her panties off and says "ok lets get this over quickly".

She never wants to talk about sex, or anything, and weirdly she seldom lets me kiss her or make out with her. I've offered to give her oral, she doesn't like it, she doesnt like to get on top, doesn't like much other than reverse missionary or standard. We have sex in the shower sometimes.

I don't know if she is afraid to show she enjoys sex. the lack of making out or other affection is more bothersome to me though. It seems silly to care about it, but it bothers me. It feels like i am not getting a full feeling of love.


She will occasionally give me oral, she offers it to me on occasion, and then we finish with intercourse. Maybe a few times a year she will. She is great at it, and i love it, but it's not what i am feeling i am misisng, i don't feel a lack of pleasure on me, i feel a lack of reception or acceptance of her wanting me. I don't want some sex slave, i want someone to mutually please each other. I feel rejected by her since she shows little interest and doesn't let me give her orgasms or even allows me to try.

since she gets upset if i talk about sex, i have no clue whats going on in her head. I don't think she gets off, as i dont feel that she is, but honestly it is to the point where she wouldnt tell me one way or other anyways so i have no idea.

she does initiate at times by saying "ok lets have sex" but there is no physical initiation, no romance etc..

If i try coming on to her and it's not like some perfect timing of when we should she gets upset.

So then i thought, maybe she just has sex to satify me as if it were a chore, as she literally said its like a chore for her. Maybe she has low sex drive?

Well she has a vibrator thing she masturbates with, but only when i am not around. she won't admit to it, i can just tell it is being used and only gets moved when i am not home and no one is home. She isn't having an affair, and has no interest in having one, but i feel like she almost has no connection to me and is connected to herself or just wants to get herself off for some reason.

Once we had sex and she used the vibrator on herself but she seemed embarased by it, i thought it was totally cool and was encouraging it. if thats the only way she can get off, then by all means use the thing as i know women are built differently and need stronger stimulus at times. When she used her toy on herself, she didnt want to be touched by me or anything though which was odd, i didn't say much about it, but she seemed embarassed by it. I also felt more of a connection to her because i didn't feel like i was being left out.

I think the problem is that she doesn't want to open up to me, and that bothers me, and i know she is lying about using this when i am not around, which she doesn't know that i know for sure she uses it, though she suspects it i think.



So not sure what to do here:
We have kids, i send kids to her parents house once in a while, we have nights alone, but she rather watch tv at times. I am also partially guilty as i'll go play xbox, or work on my car sometimes as i get no other guilt free time when the kids are around. My kids are 1 and 6, so it's not like they can go out on there own, and they need constant attention. I constantly play with them etc.. 

We haven't had really many romantic evenings recently. Maybe try taking her out? the last few times i took her out she got too drunk and didn't want to be physical with me after.


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

It sounds like to me that she is not being sexually satisfied when you guys have sex and since she gets nothing out of it she sees it as a chore. Either she feels like you can't please her, or she feels you are unwilliging to try to please her or she is too shy and uncomfortable talking about sex she doesn't know how to tell you what she needs to get off during sex. Considering that way you talk about your wife's use of her vibrator I'm going to say that it's probably because she is too shy. 

A lot of woman can't seem to find the words or the nerve to tell their husband what the like or want from sex. Maybe she doesn't even really know herself what it's going to take. I can't get myself off with my vibrator pretty quickly, but when it comes to my DH giving me oral I really have no words or confidence to tell him what I want him to do. It's like I can't seem to explain what I need, which is why I tend to only orgasm less than 50% of the time which leaves me sexually frustrated and not overly enthusiastic for the next time. Yet again this not all my DH'S fault as I am struggling to communicate with him, and when I do comminucate he struggles to understand me.

I would recommend a sex therapist, as they seem to have helped people on this board. I live in a remote, small town where good qualified sex therapist are not easy to come by or I would be going with my husband as well.

All the best.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How many children do you have? How old are they?

How old are you and your wife?

How many hours a week do you and your wife spend together, just the two of you doing date-like things that you both enjoy?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

For whatever reason your wife has shut down communications with you regarding her sexuality. She is either dealing with shame, inadequacy, anxiety or guilt. 

You'll probably need to go to therapy and allow her to have a few sessions alone so that she can have someone help her understand what is going on with her feelings and why. 

Badsanta


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## FORTIFIEDORANGE (Mar 27, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> How many children do you have? How old are they?
> 
> How old are you and your wife?
> 
> How many hours a week do you and your wife spend together, just the two of you doing date-like things that you both enjoy?


I work from home, I am physically home almost all the time. I work a lot of hours, about 50 hours a week from home. I go to the office once a week usually on average. My kids are 1 and 6. Son is 1, but he is very clingy. he almost can't sleep on his own. Daughter is 6 and she is pretty independent, easy to handle.

I am 31 and my wife is 37. 

date like things we enjoy, we usually watch a movie at home, go out to eat at a nice restaurant and go to the movies or watch a movie at home after. We might get one weekend a month where the kids go to her parents at most, sometimes 2 in a month.

She likes to read a lot, and is not that out going, i am the more outgoing one.

we share all the same tv shows and movies we like to watch adn talk about together. we like spending time with kids together.

However, my wife has zero interest in my hobbies, and the few things she does to entertain herself are solo activities like reading, even video games she does.

Neither of us watch sports much. 

We went to France together a couple of years ago without kids.

She is always stressed out and has a lot of anxiety about house work. She also is a smoker, and if she is out of cigarettes she has massive rages.


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## FORTIFIEDORANGE (Mar 27, 2017)

badsanta said:


> For whatever reason your wife has shut down communications with you regarding her sexuality. She is either dealing with shame, inadequacy, anxiety or guilt.
> 
> You'll probably need to go to therapy and allow her to have a few sessions alone so that she can have someone help her understand what is going on with her feelings and why.
> 
> Badsanta


thats what i am thinking, but not sure why.

i remember when i met her, we were pretty open about discussing things, but after a while she shut down. I do think it is worthwhile to note that when we met she was going through a rough patch in life. her biological father passed away, and she was in an on and off relationship with someone else, nothing serious no marriage not living togehter etc.. she seemed to be infatuated with that guy when i met her still though but she liked me too.


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## FORTIFIEDORANGE (Mar 27, 2017)

Daisy12 said:


> It sounds like to me that she is not being sexually satisfied when you guys have sex and since she gets nothing out of it she sees it as a chore. Either she feels like you can't please her, or she feels you are unwilliging to try to please her or she is too shy and uncomfortable talking about sex she doesn't know how to tell you what she needs to get off during sex. Considering that way you talk about your wife's use of her vibrator I'm going to say that it's probably because she is too shy.
> 
> A lot of woman can't seem to find the words or the nerve to tell their husband what the like or want from sex. Maybe she doesn't even really know herself what it's going to take. I can't get myself off with my vibrator pretty quickly, but when it comes to my DH giving me oral I really have no words or confidence to tell him what I want him to do. It's like I can't seem to explain what I need, which is why I tend to only orgasm less than 50% of the time which leaves me sexually frustrated and not overly enthusiastic for the next time. Yet again this not all my DH'S fault as I am struggling to communicate with him, and when I do comminucate he struggles to understand me.
> 
> ...


she has told me she struggles with orgasms. The one time she used a vibrator on herself with me she had an orgasm but it seemed very subtle. I've been with girls before who would cum easily and it was pertty obvious, lots of physical contractions, flush skin etc.. 

when we have sex in the shower sometimes she'll use the shower head thing on her clit, and when she does she gets super embarrassed and doesn't want me to watch her. 

So i am thinking she is shamed of it for some reason.

She and i are not super athletic shape, i find my wife incredibly sexy and tell her that all the time, but we are obviosuly 2 married people with kids, so we have some tiny bit of belly fat on us, and we are not exactly in perfect movie star shape, and even if she was i think she'd still be self concious of looks as all people are. However, i don't think she is shy about being naked around me, we are pretty open about htat. I think the issue is she is affraid to have an orgasm in front of me.

My other concern is what if she is thinkin about someone else, maybe some past lover and she doesn't want to do that aound me?

I'll admit, after we have sex, 15 mins later i'll go rub one out because i am so turned on after having sex and thinking about sex, but obviously she'd never want to go at it again. which is odd, because if she was not getting pleasure you'd think she'd at least let me try. she has let me go down on her maybe a handful of times in 7 years. She seems to get distracted when i do it and can't focus and has me stop, i don't get tired, she just says 'ok lets just do it'.


I also suspect, and i don't know why this would be the case, but it might be possible she wants me to feel like she doesn't like sex. I haven't got a clue why one would do that, but perhaps to punish me somehow or have a dominance over me? she is very dominating or tries to be, not submissive at all. Maybe she doesn't want to give up the power and have me feel empowered by pleasing her? 

because when she wants sex, she'll never do anything to initiate it, but she obviously want's sex because she'll drop hints. But she tries to pretend like she doesn't. 
She also makes me use lube, even though she is super wet too, not sure why, i even pretend to put it on sometimes. So that kind of leads credence to that theory.

She literally wants no contact of me on her though. She doesn't let me kiss her hardly at all, doesn't want me touching her breast, she likes her backed rubbed and doesn't mind me touching her anywhere else. the breast thing was due to beast feeding which i get, that wasn't always that way.

But more of me thinks this is her being affraid to give empower me by allowing me to please her.


I know when i was younger it was almost impossible for me to cum from a blow job or sex because i was super nervous and shy, most guys that probably causes premature ejaculation, for mei just couldnt get off either when i was like 16 for hte longest time. so maybe she has some issue like that? My issue was i was just insecure and shy.


As for the physics of the sex:
she seems to like it when i am thrusting up and down to stimulate her clitoris, she grabs onto me tight when i do that and makes moans. so if she was trying to show dissatisfaction that doesn't make sense to my above theory. once in a while (only if tired or not feeling well she will say to hurry), she sometimes likes to do it doggy style, but that way she says it hurts sometimes but won't tell me what to do to make it not hurt, and if i ask she gets frustrated.

We've tried vibrator ring things but they d on't fit on very well, too tight and hurt me, and thne they just feel awkward to her. This was a few years ago she tried that and gave up.

she has told me she struggles to cum even with a vibrator on her own though. So i think it might be psychological somewhere. not sure why. 

maybe she has lost hope that it will happen?


I am not thinking i am physically inadequate, i can keep a good rythm for 10-12 mins, as thats how long it takes me if i am hurrying as she usually doesnt want me taking longer. I cannot comment on my physical appearance but i don't think she'd marry me if she thought i was ugly, i am not some super male model but i am not horribly ugly or out ofshape lol.

my equipment functions, 99.99% of the time it works fine, like all men of any age at times it can go limp if tired for a min then get back in the grove. The only time that happens is when she says something totally discouraging, i had a ton of alcohol, super tired or she randomly talks about stressful crap during sex. brings up chores around the house or complains about something, obviously i'd get turned off. probably twice a year i lose a hard on for a few seconds. granted this is only when she has 0 enthusiasm.
so i don't have issues with ED, premature EJ, like most guys i've measured myself and its well above average so not thinking that is an issue.

I definitely think this could be related to psychological issues, maybe she doesn't find me that good looking as much as someone else in the past? Maybe she just had better sex in the past because of her emotional state was better and she remembers that emotional state now? and misses the state? Maybe she resents me because i am never good enough with the kids as i work a lot, i don't do enough around the house? She doesn't work, i work 50 hours a week, so she knows she does more house work, i never resent her for spending money, i do tell her to keep an eye on it to not be stupid with it but i never tell her she cant have anything.


Also back to the psychology, most women i know like to splurge and buy things for themselves, my wife never does. Maybe she has some shame or guilt about pleasing herself?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

FORTIFIEDORANGE said:


> She is always stressed out and has a lot of anxiety about house work. She also is a smoker, and if she is out of cigarettes she has massive rages.


Buy her a machine so she can roll her own cigarettes. 










and some empty tubes:










Buy quality tobacco in bulk, or enjoy growing your own if you live in the country. She will finally get to enjoy smoking some quality tobacco and since she is rolling her own there are zero taxes because she is no longer buying cigarettes in a way that are regulated.

*With the money you save, you will now be able to more than afford a maid as it will cost you less than $1 a pack this way.* But do NOT make them for anyone other than yourself or you will end up with a swat team ascending on your home!

Your welcome! 

Badsanta


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

FORTIFIEDORANGE said:


> I work from home, I am physically home almost all the time. I work a lot of hours, about 50 hours a week from home. I go to the office once a week usually on average. My kids are 1 and 6. Son is 1, but he is very clingy. he almost can't sleep on his own. Daughter is 6 and she is pretty independent, easy to handle.
> 
> I am 31 and my wife is 37.
> 
> ...





FORTIFIEDORANGE said:


> I work from home, I am physically home almost all the time. I work a lot of hours, about 50 hours a week from home. I go to the office once a week usually on average. My kids are 1 and 6. Son is 1, but he is very clingy. he almost can't sleep on his own. Daughter is 6 and she is pretty independent, easy to handle.


If you son cannot sleep on his own, where does he sleep? Who sleeps with him?

Your son needs to be broken of this. Some children are demanding about not sleeping alone. And their parents give in. He’s manipulating the two of you. And yes a 1 year old can figure out how to do this very easily.


FORTIFIEDORANGE said:


> date like things we enjoy, we usually watch a movie at home, go out to eat at a nice restaurant and go to the movies or watch a movie at home after. We might get one weekend a month where the kids go to her parents at most, sometimes 2 in a month.
> we share all the same tv shows and movies we like to watch adn talk about together.


Movies and TV do not count as quality time. Date-like means that you are concentrating on each other. When you watch movies & TV you are concentrating on the show.

When you talk about the shows, that bit might count. But how much do the two of you just talk about the thinks you think, dream of, your desires, etc?

So basically the two of you spend very little quality, date-like time together.


FORTIFIEDORANGE said:


> we like spending time with kids together.


Of course you do. You both love your children. But that’s not quality/date-like time with our wife. It’s time when you two are concentrating on your children, not each other. It does not count towards the time tougher, JUST THE TWO OF YOU.


FORTIFIEDORANGE said:


> However, my wife has zero interest in my hobbies, and the few things she does to entertain herself are solo activities like reading, even video games she does.


The two of you need to find something that you enjoy doing together. She can have her hobbies, but you two need at least one thing you do together.


FORTIFIEDORANGE said:


> We went to France together a couple of years ago without kids.


That’s great! But now it’s been 2 years since the two of you went off somewhere, just the two of you? Not good.


FORTIFIEDORANGE said:


> She is always stressed out and has a lot of anxiety about house work.


So she does not like to do house work. I don’t blame her. A surprisingly large number of people (usually women because usually women get stuck with housework) hate housework and are flustered by it. There is a website I like that helps a person learn to simplify their housework, www. Flylady.com Maybe she could try out their system and make it easier for her.

How does she do when it comes to taking care of children.



FORTIFIEDORANGE said:


> She also is a smoker, and if she is out of cigarettes she has massive rages.


The rages are uncool. Not good at all. But it’s not surprise that someone who has an addiction gets upset when they cannot get their substance. I find the way you put this to be very odd. How do you not know that a person who is addicted to nicotine needs their nicotine fix and if they don’t get it, they will react badly. Surely you know this.

Why does she run out of cigarettes? 

You might want to consider talking to her about using an e-cig. I know a lot of people who switched to them and now would not touch a tobacco cigarette. And most of them used the e-cig to stop smoking by stepping down the nicotine level over time. Also e-cigs cost a lot less than cigarettes.

Is there anything about your wife that does not annoy you? Just wondering what those things might be.

There is an old saying that I think works in your situation “A woman needs a reason to for having sex. A man just needs a place.” It’s a bit simplistic but I think it gets the idea across. Most women have an emotional need for non-sexual intimacy before they can have a real desire to have sex (sexual intimacy). There virtually no non-sexual intimacy in your relationship.

You want your wife to have passion about your sex life. Yet there is no passion outside the sex-life between the two of you. That’s not going to work. And that’s most likely why you have what you have.

A couple needs to spend a minimum of 15 hours a week together, just the two of you doing things together that are date-like. Things that are better than TV/movies: A walk in the park holding hands and talk. Spending 1-2 hours each night together cuddling and talking, or having tea (or wine or whatever) with a snack or desert and talking. Cuddling in bed, on the couch, etc. counts. Any date or activity where you are engaged with each other and no one else is with you counts. 

Usually couples spend 1-2 hours together after the children are in bed. Then one or two long dates every weekend.

There are some books that I think would go a long way to help you. Read them together and do the work that they suggest. And read them in the order listed.

*Love Busters* & *His Needs, Her Needs *(see links in my signature block below)

*Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence*  by Esther Perel (Author) 

Do that and you will most likely have turned this around.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

FORTIFIEDORANGE said:


> Also back to the psychology, most women i know like to splurge and buy things for themselves, my wife never does. Maybe she has some shame or guilt about pleasing herself?


Did your wife work before you married her? Did she support herself?

Does she work now? If now when did she quit working?

How involved is she with managing the money now?

A lot of women are actually frugal. Your wife might just be one of them.


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## FORTIFIEDORANGE (Mar 27, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Did your wife work before you married her? Did she support herself?
> 
> Does she work now? If now when did she quit working?
> 
> ...


she worked prior to marriage, had her own house. She stopped working after our daughter was born and hasn't worked since. She is very frugal, she had a nice new focus when we met so not an insanely over the top car but it was a nice car, had nice clothes, a few purses but by no means a kardashian self indulger which is what i like. I don't like girls who feel th ey need 10 lbs of make up to look pretty, so she gives off an allurge of high self confidence with appearance but she does complain about weight, i think everyone does though so thats normal.
so i dont think she is physically insecure with looks.


i make a lot of money so money isn't a real issue, though i like to not be stupid with it. so basically she has a credit card and can do whatever she wants, she does the utility bills as i hate doing that, i do all the other bills mortgage etc. Basically if she spends on groceries, kids stuff etc on her credit card and if it's under 3k a month i am not worried. I did yell at her once for spending a hundred dollars on a stupid game on the iphone once and then told her to also keep it under control when we had a 4,500 credit card bill one month and she got a little defensive. i spend a lot of money on my hobbies so i let her have her way with it, but i also get mad atm yself when i blow money too. for the most part i am super liberal with her spending though i dont really care as long as we aren't doing stupid stuff. 99% of it is stuff from amazon that is for the kids and groceries.


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## FORTIFIEDORANGE (Mar 27, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> If you son cannot sleep on his own, where does he sleep? Who sleeps with him?
> 
> Your son needs to be broken of this. Some children are demanding about not sleeping alone. And their parents give in. He’s manipulating the two of you. And yes a 1 year old can figure out how to do this very easily.
> 
> ...



I think you hit the nail on the head with the lack of interaction with each other. We need more activities together. 


Our son sleeps in his own room but my wife has to rock him for an hour straight, i agree he is manipulating her. I try to go in there but he only wants momma. He is very demanding for just mom. Daughter prefers me for story and bed time.

Kids go to bed at around 8:30 pm. The pets wake my wife up at 7 am wanting food, daughter goes to school at 8:30 so my wife has to be up by 7:00. Wife goes to bed at 9:30 after kids are in bed and doesn't want to do anything but watch tv and lay there or go to sleep, or listen to music.

before we had kids we'd go on long walks with the dogs, can't just leave the house when kids are asleep. I think that's illegal. 

Before we moved we had a baby sitter and did more dinner and a movie type dates, sometimes go to the store and shop too. 

SO i think the issue is lack of dating, that seems to be the main issue here. 

However, looking back, i always felt like a lack of connection with her sexually/physically. Maybe it is just i had a lot of wild girls in the past, but i also get this vibe that my wife has a wild side that i've never/seldom seem to see.

We have gone out a few times in hte past year where she gets drunk and gets flirty but hten gets too drunk to have sex or intimacy. mainly friends weddings, my birthday we went out when i turned 30 with friends and she had a blast, kids were with my mom. again got too drunk.

i seldom ask for her to give me oral sex because it's always no, but she will randomly at times maybe 2-3 times a year offer it. Usually she'll make some deal where i do some chore or build something like a new piece of furniture she wants or remodel a room or do some project she'll make that part of hte deal. not sure if this is some fetish of hers or if it is just her to get me to do stuff because it works well. also horrible she makes it out to a chore or task.

the only thing she is receptive of me doing to her is a back rub for the most part, she doesn't really like me touching her sexually unless it is through standard intercourse.

she runs out of cigarettes because we buy 2-3 packs at a time for her and it's a matter of one going out to the store which is 10 minutes away. I usually go for her. I have looked into the e-cig and want to get her one.

We just moved to a new area and our neighbors have some nice teenage daughters we might be able to hire to watch our kids for a date night. So that might work now.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

FORTIFIEDORANGE said:


> she worked prior to marriage, had her own house. She stopped working after our daughter was born and hasn't worked since. She is very frugal, she had a nice new focus when we met so not an insanely over the top car but it was a nice car, had nice clothes, a few purses but by no means a kardashian self indulger which is what i like. I don't like girls who feel th ey need 10 lbs of make up to look pretty, so she gives off an allurge of high self confidence with appearance but she does complain about weight, i think everyone does though so thats normal.
> so i dont think she is physically insecure with looks.
> 
> 
> i make a lot of money so money isn't a real issue, though i like to not be stupid with it. so basically she has a credit card and can do whatever she wants, she does the utility bills as i hate doing that, i do all the other bills mortgage etc. Basically if she spends on groceries, kids stuff etc on her credit card and if it's under 3k a month i am not worried. I did yell at her once for spending a hundred dollars on a stupid game on the iphone once and then told her to also keep it under control when we had a 4,500 credit card bill one month and she got a little defensive. i spend a lot of money on my hobbies so i let her have her way with it, but i also get mad atm yself when i blow money too. for the most part i am super liberal with her spending though i dont really care as long as we aren't doing stupid stuff. 99% of it is stuff from amazon that is for the kids and groceries.


How much a month do you spend on your hobbies? 

How much a month can she spend without you having over sight? If you got angry with her for blowing $100 on a game, then you must be checking out every penny she spends.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

FORTIFIEDORANGE said:


> I think you hit the nail on the head with the lack of interaction with each other. We need more activities together.
> 
> 
> Our son sleeps in his own room but my wife has to rock him for an hour straight, i agree he is manipulating her. I try to go in there but he only wants momma. He is very demanding for just mom. Daughter prefers me for story and bed time.
> ...


I agree that there might be some fundamental issues with your wife and her sexuality. But first you need to get your relationship as good as it can get. The books I suggested are very good for that.

After you do all of the things that the books suggest and hopefully you two are back to dating and loving it, you might need to get the two of you to a sex therapist. But going to one fight now will backfire because of the lack of non-sexual intimacy in your relationship.


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## FORTIFIEDORANGE (Mar 27, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> How much a month do you spend on your hobbies?
> 
> How much a month can she spend without you having over sight? If you got angry with her for blowing $100 on a game, then you must be checking out every penny she spends.


i probably give feed back on spending habits once or twice a year at most. She spent 100 dollars on in game app purchases on an iphone game once lol, she admitted it was stupid and there was little friction over that.

Time spent on my hobbies is probably a couple hours a week at most. Her perception is every second i spend on it is times 100 though. So if i go out with friends to go do our nerdy hobby stuff for 3 hours on a saturday she would get all upset at me over it every time.

her main hobby really is video games on her phone and the xbox. I am not that big into the games as she is. I do play a couple computer games but only mainly when she is doing her own thing. She likes her alone time and space she says, so whenever i try to interact she seems to be more interested in reading a book, playing a game etc...


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## FORTIFIEDORANGE (Mar 27, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> I agree that there might be some fundamental issues with your wife and her sexuality. But first you need to get your relationship as good as it can get. The books I suggested are very good for that.
> 
> After you do all of the things that the books suggest and hopefully you two are back to dating and loving it, you might need to get the two of you to a sex therapist. But going to one fight now will backfire because of the lack of non-sexual intimacy in your relationship.


Ya, i agree to trying sex therapy right now is a bad idea. That is something i would be shocked if she'd ever be open to. 

I think it might not be necessary if i can fix the relationship problem though. 

Also there is a possibility she has mild depression due to lack of feeling purpose as she doesn't seem to value what she provides to the house hold.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

FORTIFIEDORANGE said:


> Ya, i agree to trying sex therapy right now is a bad idea. That is something i would be shocked if she'd ever be open to.
> 
> I think it might not be necessary if i can fix the relationship problem though.
> 
> Also there is a possibility she has mild depression due to lack of feeling purpose as she doesn't seem to value what she provides to the house hold.


Some women are not cut out to be SAHM (stay at home moms). There is nothing wrong with that. Maybe she would do better if she worked.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

FORTIFIEDORANGE said:


> i probably give feed back on spending habits once or twice a year at most. She spent 100 dollars on in game app purchases on an iphone game once lol, she admitted it was stupid and there was little friction over that.
> 
> Time spent on my hobbies is probably a couple hours a week at most. Her perception is every second i spend on it is times 100 though. So if i go out with friends to go do our nerdy hobby stuff for 3 hours on a saturday she would get all upset at me over it every time.
> 
> her main hobby really is video games on her phone and the xbox. I am not that big into the games as she is. I do play a couple computer games but only mainly when she is doing her own thing. She likes her alone time and space she says, so whenever i try to interact she seems to be more interested in reading a book, playing a game etc...


It sounds like she spends almost nothing on herself. You said earlier that you spend on your hobbies. But you got upset because she spent $100 on something frivolous. If you are making a lot of money, $100 is chump change. So why did that get you upset?

A good rule of thumb in marriage is that each spouse should have an amount of money that they can spend how they please each month. Does she go over what you spend on your hobbies and make a fuss if you spend $100 on something that she is not interested it? 

It's often done so that each person opens a checking account in their name only. Their disposable cash goes into that account. Now they can spend as they please. She should have some money that she can literally do what she wants with without your looking over they way she spent it.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

If you do not want to read all of this, a link to a short article about passion is at the end and you can go right to it but I have a good understanding of your situation and have worked hard to fix it.

Our idea of sex is pretty much extended making out and foreplay with kissing all the way through it. However, I got my wife to not be shy about using her vibrator while in bed with me. A vibrators temporarily stored under a pillow was an every night thing. It is no secret than many girls get their best orgasms from their vibtrators and you can also instill passion while using one. Even in porn you will see actresses having intercourse and also using a vibrator or their fingers. We believe that we are all responsible for our own orgasms and to do whatever it takes. 

When my wife uses her vibrator I am kissing and fondling her body. She is holding and playing with my penis. I urge her on and she has violent intense orgasms as a result. She insists that I kiss her and she hold me to keep that intimate bond. I got my wife over her shyness of using her vibrator by suggesting we play a little sex game. She calls me on her phone and leaves it by her head. She then uses her vibrator while I listen. When she was done I told her how hot it sounded and how I would love it if she let me watch. So she let me watch while she kept her eyes tightly shut. I again told her how hot it was and gradually we incorporated it into our regular sex life. Now she has no problem in telling me she needs BOB III to orgasm and it does not bother me because I have no hang ups about having to be the one to give her the orgasms. As long as she experiences pleasure, I am happy for her, which fit into our lifestyle anyway.

Another thing we did was schedule sex nights which were mandatory no matter what. Pick a time when the kids are asleep and there will be no disturbances. Send the kids to grandma or a friend. Hire a babysitter and rent a hotel room for part of the night so you can be alone. Have a nice meal in the hotel restaurant and a few drinks since you are not driving. Buy your wife a new sexy dress that she would never buy for herself. New lingerie too. The sexy kind that is not made for everyday wear. After dinner go up to your room and if you cannot find passion, something is wrong more than being stressed or tired during sex. I know that it can sometimes feel that she is having sex out of marital duty and a lot of wives do that. Let's do it and get it over with. Perhaps fake an orgasm or not have one without ever telling their husbands why and what they could do to help. Great sex is borne out of great communications. Tell her your fantasies and have her tell you hers. Then try the ones that you both feel comfortable with. 

To me, sex has always been a skill and artform. It can be learned and not just the mechanical part. Your brain is really your largest sex organ. I can make a girl wet or orgasm fast just by what I say to her. So can you. One of my methods is to watch the girl masturbate. You can learn a lot about how best to make them orgasm by how they do it to themselves. Most guys zoom in on intercourse but most women do not orgasm by intercourse. They may lead you to believe they do but later they are playing with their vibrators. Most women will orgams by clitorial stimulation, which can also be achieved by intercourse if you use the right positions. 

So first thing is to talk frankly. I have asked my wife point blank questions and persisted until she gave me honest answers. The best time to do it is in the bedroom with the lights off. Sort of like a confessional booth. Make her feel comfortable in talking frankly and understand it is to make sex more enjoyable for her as well as you. Tell her that you cannot read her mind and it upsets you sometimes to feel that you have not sexually satisfied her. Get her to open up and make her feel comfortable to bring her vibrator to bed without feeling dirty about it. Women grow up hiding their vibrators from their parents and feel it is dirty to do and that carries over to marriage. You need to change their view of masturbating and using a vibrator or any other sex toy she needs.

That is all the advice I can give you. One time we improved our sex life by just having it less so we had quality rather than quantity. We are currently doing a form of tantric sex where we have sex but no orgams until a few weeks later. That makes you very intimate and passionate during sex since you are not focusing on the orgasm. A few years ago I gave my wife control of our sex life. Sex only when she wants it and orgasms for her only most times. No need to reciprocate. She can lay back and just enjoy me performing oral and then get up and leave, although she seldom does that anymore but for some it is good substitute for masturbation. Sometimes you just want to fantasize and have an orgasm without all the stuff that goes into having sex with another. l do anything she needs to orgasm with you. Tell her sex without passion is something you get from a one night stand and you need and want more than that from the woman you love. 

One more thing. When I got out of the Army 47 years ago, I dated a few married women who had been cheating on their husbands for years. In fact, they were pros at cheating. What they all had in common was that they still loved their husbands, but they felt taken for granted. Their husband did not make them feel sexy,desirable or attractive as he did when they dated. He rarely took her out and gave her an excuse to get all dolled up, new shoes, new dress and a new hairstyle. Going out for pizza is not going to cut it. I rented limos to take us to far away places. I bought my wife a new dress every time we went out. I joined two private clubs so we could have a nice dinner and a reserved table on the dance floor where the wait staff knew us and took good care of my wife so she felt special. We went to tropical islands and rented bungalows where we could be alone, lay out in the sun naked (ouch and bad idea), have sex on the deck at night and under the stars. No TV, just us for entertainment. 

As we entered our 45th years of marriage the passion is still there and not just during sex. I worked hard to make it so and you can do so too. Hope my experiences help a little. Most of us tend to go through the same things at one point in our marriage. There is a whole science to love and sex that we have little control over but if we recognize it, we can plan for it and get over it.

Here is a good article about how long passion lasts in a marriage: How long does passion last? The four stages of love - TODAY.com


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## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

Was she sexually absused as a child?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

hifromme67 said:


> Was she sexually absused as a child?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk




I was reading to see if anyone else would bring this up. In my opinion she had shame connected with sex at some point in her life.

The fact that she doesn't enjoy any passionate touch unless you are having sex was my red flag for childhood sexual abuse. (CSA)

It has to stay compartmentalized in her mind, also the fact that she checks out during oral. When a kid has this trauma they learn to 'rise above' it and check out. Then anything sexual feels wrong so they check out. Also not wanting to even talk about sex is a possible give away.

I hope that's not the case for your wife but it would explain a lot.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

FORTIFIEDORANGE said:


> So this is my first post.
> My wife and i have been married for about 5 years. we have kids, and we have sex 4-6 times a month on average.
> 
> my wife gives off this vibe that she doesn't care about sex or even really like it. She always kind of has had this vibe for a long time now, i can't really remember her really being very passionate about it since we met. I've had a few past lovers that were very passionate about it, would initiate it, would have multiple orgasms, enjoyed receiving oral, would make out with me for long time before, would have a lot of foreplay etc.
> ...


That's a rough one, man.

Sex with my ex wife was extremely similar to this for the last 8 or so years we were together. Before that, it was fairly normal (initiation and interest-wise). Right down to the vibrator usage when I wasn't around. Everything was very clinical, like how you describe. It wasn't like that for many years before. Once we got married and started living together (6 years after starting to date), it started going downhill. No kids, btw.

One of the things that stands out to me is the 'no kissing'. This started happening around this time, as well. It kind of just stopped. We use to kiss and make out, especially during sex, all the time. Then we didn't. At one point, much later in the relationship, she flat out said that I wasn't a good kisser. Okay.

But kissing is very intimate, and not always sexual, so that raised red flags for me (that was the beginning of it for me, when I started to pay more attention to what was happening). Kissing, even more than sex, is what people do in a relationship. You can have sex with somebody you don't love (or even like all that much, I suppose) and it can be solely for the sake of having sex and getting off. Kissing (making out), however, is that real dividing line, IMO. If there's no passionate kissing or making out (especially during sex), there's a real issue there.

Unfortunately, my ex wife liked sex - just not with me. Eventually things went that way, and that's why she's my ex wife. At some point, she lost whatever passion she had for me, and sex became something we just did a couple of times a week. If she actually wanted to get off, she did it herself. Otherwise, sex was for my benefit, I guess. We never recovered.

That's what your story sounds like, to me. I could be wrong. She may simply not be interested in sex. The masturbation may simply be another clinical thing she does (need for an orgasm, it's quick and easy). Not all needs for an orgasm are borne out of horniness.

If I had a time machine, I would go back and more fully realize what was happening with my ex wife and I. Luckily, you are aware of it in the midst of it happening (and also have a place like this to come to for advice). My excuse was that I had little experience, sexually, was fairly young, and probably thought that married sex was normal like that. Therefore I didn't really talk to her about it.

If I could, I would. At that time, I very much loved her, and didn't fully realize the implications of her withdrawal from sex with me. I would have communicated my concern to her, and attempted to get to the bottom of it.

The thing is, it's rarely sexual. It can be, of course, but more often than not, it just isn't.

I think it's time for a sit-down with your wife. Something's changed, in the way she views you, and it's manifesting in this way. And sex is usually the first thing that suffers. My ex wife still acted as though she loved me for several years after our sex life started to dwindle. I don't think _she_ realized she was falling/had fallen out of love with me. Or she did, and didn't want to face it or acknowledge it.


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## podiumboy (Apr 2, 2017)

FORTIFIEDORANGE said:


> So this is my first post.
> My wife and i have been married for about 5 years. we have kids, and we have sex 4-6 times a month on average.
> 
> my wife gives off this vibe that she doesn't care about sex or even really like it. She always kind of has had this vibe for a long time now, i can't really remember her really being very passionate about it since we met. I've had a few past lovers that were very passionate about it, would initiate it, would have multiple orgasms, enjoyed receiving oral, would make out with me for long time before, would have a lot of foreplay etc.
> ...


First time poster, I essentially came here to post my frustrations with our sex life, but no need; you pretty much said everything I would've said! There's very little I would change to make the story fit my own narrative. I would love the opportunity to put my wife's sexual pleasure before my own, but she is not interested. As if it would be a weakness or a failure to let on to me that she is enjoying herself at all. It's a pretty awful position to be in.

The only advice I can give you is to try to accept your marriage for what it IS, instead of what you want it to be/think it should be. Arguing about sex was driving us apart. Our kids are 3 and 5, and our sex life never really recovered after our youngest was born. I felt completely hopeless. I was completely paranoid that she was cheating on me, getting her sexual needs met elsewhere, and I admit this train of thought took me down a dark path for awhile. I spent about an entire year extremely paranoid, despite having not one shred of proof that she was cheating. And I was more thorough in my research than I care to admit to, but eventually I had to just let myself believe that she probably wasn't cheating. I realized that worrying about her cheating, worrying about her lack of interest in sex, was making me a ****ty husband. 

Right now my focus is to just be a good, attentive husband to my wife as she is, right now, because she really is a great wife, partner and mother. Trying to improve myself not just for her, but for me. I realize that I was pestering her for sex, constantly needing reassurance that she still loves me, and it was all just turning her off, and making me just another chore on her endless list. My ideal situation would be that she regains her sex drive, and we have good, mutually satisfying sex every single day that brings us closer. But that is not my reality. I do not want to cheat, I do not want to divorce, so the best I can do is be the best version of myself I can be, and accept my wife as she is. 

Most people will probably argue with me about this. That you should fight for your sex life. That your needs matter too. They do matter, but after awhile the fighting gets old, the paranoid thoughts get old, the rejection and the lackluster sex gets old, and you have to accept that for the time being, this is just simply where your spouse is at. Redditors would call this swallowing the blue pill and being a beta ... but life is seldom so simple. Good Luck to you!


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## podiumboy (Apr 2, 2017)

alexm said:


> The thing is, it's rarely sexual. It can be, of course, but more often than not, it just isn't.
> 
> I think it's time for a sit-down with your wife. Something's changed, in the way she views you, and it's manifesting in this way. And sex is usually the first thing that suffers. My ex wife still acted as though she loved me for several years after our sex life started to dwindle. I don't think _she_ realized she was falling/had fallen out of love with me. Or she did, and didn't want to face it or acknowledge it.


I feel like my wife might be at this point. I feel like I needed to read this. Recently, a line has been dancing around in my head, based on the movie title... "She's just not that into you". For awhile, this was a devastating thought. But now that I've let it sink in, it really makes sense. I'm not a perfect husband, but I do try very hard. Maybe it's just not enough anymore.


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## FORTIFIEDORANGE (Mar 27, 2017)

i dont think it is an issue of them not being interested in us as so much as emotional issues.

my wife physically gets aroused easily, she demands i use lube before even touching her, its like she wants to hide it as a way to get dominance or make me feel weak. my wife always seeks dominance in our relationship. i would attest i have the ultimate dominant position but seldom use it, i make all the money and can basically do what i want but i dont desire beating someone into submission and i prefer equality. i am also younger and could easily cheat if i so desired.

talking to my cousin who is a girl about this, she told me it seems like my wife feels insecure and weak and doesnt want to open up because she feels vulnerable.also my wife has little social life, no hobbies besides occasional video games etc. so i think the issue for me and possibly you podium is the young children and hard point in family life could be eating our wives.

i am going to try to step up, watch kids more, do more around house.

if i can be a financially well off work drom home super husband and give her. nothing to complain about then i habe done everything.

i highly doubt i lack some skill or physical issues in bed, i am physically good and well equiped. now i might not have the prettiest face or ultimate physique.

i am 220lbs 6' and people assume i am 180 because i am pretty firm so my weight doesnt show. i got a small dad beer gut, and some flab like any other early 30s office worker would. **** size ive been tood by wife ans every ither girl its big but i think every girl says that and i honestly dont think its even that important. i dont care about vaginal tightness never noticed a difference so not sure why women would care as long as thr stuff works. i know all th techniques to stimulate clit ans g spot and prior sexual relationships i could make girls cum easier than i can.

now all gitls are differnt, my wife has a smaller clit and located higher up than some others. girls that cum easier seem to have larger ones located lower. so i doubt this is something any one else would have magically solved.

i can use colllodial alignment technique like positions and such and stimulate her clit, she feels it and i can feel it get harder etc.. and i can withstand sex for 10-15 mins, i can hold back cumming, the limiting factor is i get sweaty and wife gets sweat on her and it kills the mood.

i kept room cold but then she wants blankets.


i did have a revelation though and we had a long talk about all of this. she said she really likes sex with me but feels like it is a waste of time to try to cum or use a vibrator with me, she said she can cum faster by herself.

i noticed a pattern where she masturbates thr days after we have sex.

also watching a comedy once where the comedian said "this will feel even better masturbating to later" she cracked up at so maybe thats how she views it.

yes sometimes for me i like just spanking one out thinking about my wif the next day and imagination land is more erotic sometimes and perfect. maybe women think same way?


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## podiumboy (Apr 2, 2017)

FORTIFIEDORANGE said:


> i dont think it is an issue of them not being interested in us as so much as emotional issues.
> 
> my wife physically gets aroused easily, she demands i use lube before even touching her, its like she wants to hide it as a way to get dominance or make me feel weak. my wife always seeks dominance in our relationship. i would attest i have the ultimate dominant position but seldom use it, i make all the money and can basically do what i want but i dont desire beating someone into submission and i prefer equality. i am also younger and could easily cheat if i so desired.
> 
> ...


My wife also demands lube. It's like a pre-requisite, perhaps a bad habit we picked up in our early days, when condoms were almost always used. It doesn't really bother me, I kind of like the way it feels, but girls I was with before her rarely used it. 

I try my best with the kids and helping around the house, and she seems to really appreciate it, but the majority of the house and kids needs fall on her. I am also the main breadwinner; I have certain times of the year that I'm extremely busy, and other times where my schedule is fairly flexible and I can help out more. I definitely notice a difference in her stress level when I'm away from home more. The main problem is my wife is a full time college student and works a part time job, in addition to being a mother of 2. She is stressed to the max, and I feel bad pestering her for sex. She's 31, but she's a junior in college, and has one more year left. I keep hoping that after she is done with school she can get into a regular routine, and maybe her libido will return. 

I truly don't think there is anything wrong with me, skill wise either. Before our kids we had a great sex life, as I did with other girls before my wife. As far as penis size, I'm no porn star but can confidently say I'm in the upper reaches of what is considered "average", in both length and girth. Have noticed no differences in the way her vagina feels after having 2 kids via natural childbirth. I'm 35 and at this time, my equipment works as it should most of the time. A few times when I can tell my wife is not in the mood at all, and is just basically letting me have sex with her so that I can get off, I have gotten into my own head and experienced premature ejaculation. That's the exception instead of the rule, and I've concluded that it was entirely psychological. My biggest fear is that my wife will turn 40 and suddenly develop a wild sex drive, and I'll be 45 and unable to perform due to being out of practice, in addition to the usual problems than can plague middle aged men. I feel like we should be having as much sex now as we can, while we can. I feel like we're wasting perfectly good sex-having years with this.


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## FORTIFIEDORANGE (Mar 27, 2017)

podiumboy said:


> My wife also demands lube. It's like a pre-requisite, perhaps a bad habit we picked up in our early days, when condoms were almost always used. It doesn't really bother me, I kind of like the way it feels, but girls I was with before her rarely used it.
> 
> I try my best with the kids and helping around the house, and she seems to really appreciate it, but the majority of the house and kids needs fall on her. I am also the main breadwinner; I have certain times of the year that I'm extremely busy, and other times where my schedule is fairly flexible and I can help out more. I definitely notice a difference in her stress level when I'm away from home more. The main problem is my wife is a full time college student and works a part time job, in addition to being a mother of 2. She is stressed to the max, and I feel bad pestering her for sex. She's 31, but she's a junior in college, and has one more year left. I keep hoping that after she is done with school she can get into a regular routine, and maybe her libido will return.
> 
> I truly don't think there is anything wrong with me, skill wise either. Before our kids we had a great sex life, as I did with other girls before my wife. As far as penis size, I'm no porn star but can confidently say I'm in the upper reaches of what is considered "average", in both length and girth. Have noticed no differences in the way her vagina feels after having 2 kids via natural childbirth. I'm 35 and at this time, my equipment works as it should most of the time. A few times when I can tell my wife is not in the mood at all, and is just basically letting me have sex with her so that I can get off, I have gotten into my own head and experienced premature ejaculation. That's the exception instead of the rule, and I've concluded that it was entirely psychological. My biggest fear is that my wife will turn 40 and suddenly develop a wild sex drive, and I'll be 45 and unable to perform due to being out of practice, in addition to the usual problems than can plague middle aged men. I feel like we should be having as much sex now as we can, while we can. I feel like we're wasting perfectly good sex-having years with this.



ya my wife does the get it over with sex too and i dont grt the premature ej but i get lost of interest or will go limp for a second. not sure why women are expected to need foreplay but not men? 

i think worse for me is the fact we had kids right away, like she got pregnant 14 months into our dating after we planned on getting married already and baby was planned. also the romance period prior to we had her cousin living with us and he destroyed any form of privacy we had. i do rememebr thr awesome morning sex before his teen age ass would be up and her waking up hot and horny. though she never has cummed during sex which is odd to me because every girl ive been allowed to make cum, so i know its not me. some girls couldnt cum from sex and i could at least go down on them, use hands etc to get it done. she only used a toy on herself a few times and just a little bullet vibrato, and once the shower head but seemed totally uncomfortable by it with me there.

like you i went full fledged cia nsa kgb to see what her deal was. i didnt think she was cheating because i work from home and had no suspicions, but i had that lack of interest in m that made me suspect either she was thinking about cheating or pleasing herself off of othr fantasies

what i did learn is she use a vibrator 4-5 times a motnh usuall day after we have sex. 

after her and i finally opened to one another, she admits to thinking about me sometimes and othertimes just focusing on the feeling.

i almost always think of my wife, sometimes watch porn but there is just a visual stimulus not a lust stimulus like i get for my wife. 

the x bf she had right before me i never see her searching for on social media so i dont think she is in some not over some amazing lover of past. 

i think many couples go through this phase with young kids. kids are a lot of work. no job for most people entails a screaming fest random at 3 am unless you were in the military boot camp.

last night we had very passionate sex after a long talk. i feel like she was doing an oscar award winning acting preformance but at least it shows she cares. now i am not going to even go there with her, she didnt fake cumming but she did enjoy it. her physicsl responses were very much like she actually enjoyed it.

i did take her to a nice restaurant and walk through the park and we got home to kids in bed and a baby sitter. 


have you tried taking her out on a nice date? that seems to be the trick.

i also want to stop even asking for sex, i want to just let it happne.

i get bj about once a blue moon, in feb she randomly said she wanted to give me one. weird is she likes to talk about it and doesnt just physically try to get me by kissing or touching me, its all verbal..

when she wants sex its weird, becUse she says "well i assume you wabt to do this so lets do this" not in a rude way but in a silly kind of way.

our sex life has been improving. and i do want to eventually want her to get comfortable enough with cumming around me. it might just be she is affraid to intimidate me with a vibrator or somethung. she doesnt like penetrative toys just clit stimulation so not reallt seeing that as,a threat its not like she is shoving some 12" dildo in her.

now i know i can make a girl cum so it doesnt like bother my ego, but the fact she cant with me or even lets me try tells me that she might not like me, it is just her, something is upsetting her, etc..


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## podiumboy (Apr 2, 2017)

FORTIFIEDORANGE said:


> ya my wife does the get it over with sex too and i dont grt the premature ej but i get lost of interest or will go limp for a second. not sure why women are expected to need foreplay but not men?
> 
> i think worse for me is the fact we had kids right away, like she got pregnant 14 months into our dating after we planned on getting married already and baby was planned. also the romance period prior to we had her cousin living with us and he destroyed any form of privacy we had. i do rememebr thr awesome morning sex before his teen age ass would be up and her waking up hot and horny. though she never has cummed during sex which is odd to me because every girl ive been allowed to make cum, so i know its not me. some girls couldnt cum from sex and i could at least go down on them, use hands etc to get it done. she only used a toy on herself a few times and just a little bullet vibrato, and once the shower head but seemed totally uncomfortable by it with me there.
> 
> ...


I experience the same things. Our lives are pretty hectic, and I understand that to a certain degree, sex needs to be scheduled or it will not always happen. But like you, she jokingly say something like "well, if you want to squeeze it in, you'd better squeeze it in now!" But not in a romantic or sexy way. She then takes off her clothes like she's at a doctor's office. There's usually some light foreplay, but it's usually done for the purpose of me getting an erection, if I don't already have one. Sometimes she will eventually get into it, other times she'll hardly make a sound. After sex is over, it's pretty much immediately back to "I have to wake up early tomorrow and get my homework finished, then get the kids ready for pre-school, etc etc etc." 

Lately things have gotten better, a little bit. My birthday was last month, and we went out on a nice date and met some of our old friends at a bar. She got a little too drunk and wasn't really up for sex that night, but she made it up to me the next morning with the best sex we've had in awhile. She wasn't quite like she was pre-kids, but closer. Then I fooled myself into thinking we'd turned over a new leaf. A few days later, back to the usual clinical sex. 

A couple months ago we were doing it, and out of nowhere, she gets really into it. Like, actually being vocal about what she wanted me to do, and I think she may have even had an orgasm, which hasn't happened much since we've hit this particular funk. But like you said, it's almost like that embarrassed her and she hasn't been like that since. As far as BJs go, if I were to ask her, she'd probably do it, at least for awhile. My problem is that I've always taken a long time to get off from a BJ. I dated a girl for 2 years when I was 19-21 years old that never got me off from a BJ. I dated another girl who was willing to put in the necessary time and effort, but she had a gift. My wife has only been with 1 guy before me, and she said a BJ with him never exceeded more than a couple minutes before he was finished. She was rarely up to performing a full length BJ on me, but she was really good at sex, so we'd just skip to the main event. Eventually BJ's just kind of didn't happen at all. 

We try to have regular date nights once a month. It doesn't always happen. Babysitting is hard to come by. My parents do 90% of the babysitting while my wife goes to school and I go to work, so we feel bad asking them to watch the kids more than they already do. My wife's parents are kinda crazy and it's not really a good environment for kids. Our kids are old enough now that we feel comfortable leaving them with some of our female teenage cousins, but that usually involves having to be home by 11 or so. 

Ah **** it, all we can do is try the best we can, and remember that even though it's frustrating, our wives are not our enemies in this.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

badsanta said:


> Buy her a machine so she can roll her own cigarettes.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



OP I have a better idea. 

Run a garden hose from your car exhaust to the living room and let your wife puff on that. Yeah it will kill her, but it will save time since the cigarettes will have the same effect in about twenty years when she croaks from a heart attack or COPD.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> OP I have a better idea.
> 
> Run a garden hose from your car exhaust to the living room and let your wife puff on that. Yeah it will kill her, but it will save time since the cigarettes will have the same effect in about twenty years when she croaks from a heart attack or COPD.


My grandfather's primary care physician used to tell him the same type of stuff about COPD and heart attacks. My grandfather outlived this physician by 10 years of age (perhaps physicians ignore stress). My grandfather smoked everyday of his life and died in his 90s with a pipe in his mouth. 

Personally I hate smoking! But for those that already enjoy it as a way of life, it is their life.

Badsanta


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