# Work Vacations



## Joe986 (Feb 20, 2013)

Hello... I have a huge issue in my marriage that I am hoping will get me some insight from other married couples who will give me their honest opinions... I am a happily married man to my wife of 13 years (been together for almost 18)... we rarely argue and when we do it's quickly resolved. However, we've had a recurring issue that comes up over and over and never gets resolved. It's probably our most heated topic in our marriage.

I am a professional salesperson and I have been a top performer at my company since before we were married. I have worked for 3 different companies in this time and each of my companies offers a sales incentive trip each year I meet and exceed my goals. Before we were married, I brought my wife with me to places such as Hawaii, Costa Rica and Mexico. Then we started our family... when my daughter was 9 months old, 11 years ago, it was the first year my wife couldn't make it on the incentive trip. Instead I took a buddy of mine (who my wife approves of) to St. Thomas. It turned out that my wife didn't take it well and felt left out. I explained that the trips give me the recognition and job well done in front of my peers that I feel I deserve. (She wonders where her recognition is as a stay and home mom) The trips are always in January or February and we don't have a babysitter. 

Since then, I have traveled to Florida, Mexico & two Caribbean cruises without her. Most recently was Cancun and it was all out war - she doesn't think I should go (or want to go) on these kids of trips without her. I explain to her they are corporate trips (even though there is no work or meetings involved and not "required") and I must go or my boss may feel I am ungrateful for the opportunity. And especially when I am Salesperson of the Year, I feel I must attend. But she is completely miserable for the weeks leading up to it and while I am gone I can tell she is very upset. It also bothers her that I don't particularly like anyone I work with so it's hard for her to understand why I would want to go with them and leave her home. She says the time of year is even worse because it's often zero degrees and I am in a tropical location. In the past 11 years, she was able to come on 2 other trips, when we did have childcare. I told her she could plan a family trip all of us could go on, her choice - isn't this enough? Or am I wrong to leave her behind and go with a buddy?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Why don't you find a sitter or family member to watch the baby and take your wife... better yet, take your wife and your kids (kid now) WITH YOU. What a novel concept. You could work AND have family time after.

If you can't afford to take them all, you could at least make an effort for your wife to include her. The fact it was okay before kids doesn't make it okay not to now.

BTW, I'm married 10+ years, and have 2 grown kids. I'd be pretty peeved too about your trips without me. Maybe I can't go all the time, but make an effort. You did it before.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

You're both right.

Yes you should go, because if you start saying "No Thanks" your company will pull that benefit. It's a free trip, enjoy it.

And yes your wife's feelings are legitimate. She's a stay at home mom. Her "employer" (you) doesn't offer those benefits....So you go on these awesome vacations and she's stuck at home. You'd feel resentment as well. The first year would be like "yeah I get it, I have to stay home with the kid", but after a couple years, it'd really build up and start affecting other things in your marriage.

Has your wife become more critical of you, complaining about things at home more, etc. I'd guess yes, because she doesn't feel appreciated from this trip issue (not necessarily overall, but this one issue).

If you want to score some points and do the right thing. YOU find a babysitter. Even if it means putting your child on a plane to go visit Grandma and Grandpa for a week. And surprise your wife.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

To a place like Cancun I would not go at all unless my wife went. Unless of course there was actual business being done there. But an incentive trip to Cancun? I would only go if she went.

My dad had a similar career to you and had a ton of trips. Several per year. Sometimes they would give him hunting trips to Canada and he would go on those alone, no problem. Other times they sent him to the Caribbean or to Vegas. He NEVER went on one of those alone, unless it was training or a required meeting.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Why on earth does she not go with you??


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

We went to Fiji last May. Both my mom and her mom volunteered to come out to stay with the kids. We asked her mom to do it because she is closer and it would be easier. Which ticked my mom off because she wanted to be the one to come out. lol

My wife would never accept being saddled with the kids while I traveled the world. When I take weekends climbing, my wife adds up the days that she has to have the kids while I play. Then every couple years she takes a vacation with her sister or her mom for that many days and leaves the kids with me. To take a vacation and just expect her to watch the kids alone is selfish IMHO.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

25 years here.

No question about it, you should take her.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

If I had this dilemma in my own marriage, I would feel the same as your wife... the fact you feel it is "enough" to take her other places and have no care to bring her on these..... well, it upsets her, *it's her feelings*...they are not likely to change as you've been dealing with this for years now...

So as a good man who loves his family & wife... why don't you want her to come with you?? Would she be some hinderance to you ? You & she have a full year to plan for a babysitter & save up enough $$ that she can attend with you... so Plan... Save ...and make the wife happy. 

Obviously she just loves her time with you....I'd feel left out too if you was laying in the sun -while she's in 0 degree temps at home tending to the kids. You only live once, share every moment with those you love.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

You took your 'buddy' rather than your wife?

not that good.


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## Joe986 (Feb 20, 2013)

Thanks for the feedback so far... I should clarify too that the kids are now 11 and 7... and my wife would only allow her mom or sister to stay with them. My mother-in-law is not retired and sister-in-law just started a new job so she couldn't come this year. 
I would love to bring them all but being a company trip, the kids are not invited.


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## Joe986 (Feb 20, 2013)

I only took my buddy because my wife could not go, she is who I would prefer to come with me...


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

WHY can your wife not go? Does she refuse to leave the kids with anyone? Or do you both just assume she can't go because of the kids?

If you try hard enough, you WILL be able to find someone to leave the kids with.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Joe986 said:


> Thanks for the feedback so far... I should clarify too that the kids are now 11 and 7... and my wife would only allow her mom or sister to stay with them. My mother-in-law is not retired and sister-in-law just started a new job so she couldn't come this year.
> I would love to bring them all but being a company trip, the kids are not invited.


Then make the arrangements. Grandma could take vacation time when you and your wife are to go out of town. This is an easy fix. You go on the trip, AND she gets to go too. Win win.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Joe986 said:


> Thanks for the feedback so far... I should clarify too that the kids are now 11 and 7... and my wife would only allow her mom or sister to stay with them. My mother-in-law is not retired and sister-in-law just started a new job so she couldn't come this year.
> I would love to bring them all but being a company trip, the kids are not invited.


I agree that you should take your wife, but maybe she needs to be a little more flexible as to who watches the kids. Any other viable options as far as relatives or the parents of the kids' friends? It probably wouldn't be a big deal to me if one of my kids' friends stayed for a week or so.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Bottom line, for you to suggest that she stay home and watch YOUR kids while you vacation in the tropics, is selfish to the nth degree. I think you know this already. 

How about instead of offering a lousy family vacation, you offer to send her to the same place you went, with her own buddy, while you stay home and watch the kids? She could go the week after you return. That would be fair. But let me guess, you don't want her to go alone and don't want to take care of the kids alone....


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

If getting grandma to sit for you is impossible, you will have to sell another alternative to your wife. "Honey you can come with, but you will have to be more flexible with who we get to stay with the kids."


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Joe986 said:


> Thanks for the feedback so far... I should clarify too that the kids are now 11 and 7...* and my wife would only allow her mom or sister to stay with them. *My mother-in-law is not retired and sister-in-law just started a new job so she couldn't come this year.
> I would love to bring them all but being a company trip, the kids are not invited.


Now, this part FALLS ON YOUR WIFE...sounds like her Mother and sister are both still working...if she is too stubborn to come up with other safe options if these 2 are not available during this time frame... then this falls on her....Her rules, so she has to figure it out...but it's still good on your end to OFFER her to come with you.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yeah, if she's uber picky about letting the kids stay with anyone, then either she needs to loosen up, or suck it up. Telling you that you therefore have to stay home isn't the answer. Unless you alternate - one year she stays with the kids and you go, then the next year YOU stay home and SHE goes


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Now, this part FALLS ON YOUR WIFE...sounds like her Mother and sister are both still working...if she is too stubborn to come up with other safe options if these 2 are not available during this time frame... then this falls on her....Her rules, so she has to figure it out...but it's still good on your end to OFFER her to come with you.


Agreed. She has to loosen up the reigns on the kids. They're old enough that they'll practically take care of themselves anyway. I mean, it's not like they're newborns or anything. My earlier comments should not be construed to give her permission to just say no to the whole thing. OP needs to offer her a seat on the trip. If she says no, that's on her.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I have had both family and friends ready and available to take my kids if I needed them to, whether it was a few hours or a couple of days. I never felt that isolating myself from help was a good idea, and it helped so much when I was a single mom.

OP your wife needs to expand her circle. I have a ton of neighbors who are like family that wouldn't hesitate to jump in for me, and my kids are grown! They all have kids the same age and go to the same school. They do stuff together all the time with the kids and without. They alternate play dates and adult time rotates from house to house, because let's be honest. Parents need a break!!!

You and your wife need a sit down about this.


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## Joe986 (Feb 20, 2013)

Well, I have to admit to you guys that we really don't have alternate sitters - it really is only her mom or her sister. I agree with her in regards to the sitters, I should have clarified that... I can't put that on her. And to clarify further - I DO want her to come, but she really can't... I just need to know if I am WRONG to go without her when she truly cannot go.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My mom used to say, "*Can't* is a cowardly word, unfit to be heard by any old turd".

WHY is it only her mom or sister? Do you not have any friends or any other relatives??


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Approach it from the other side. Decide that your wife IS going to come, then do whatever you have to to make it happen.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Joe986 said:


> Well, I have to admit to you guys that we really don't have alternate sitters - it really is only her mom or her sister. I agree with her in regards to the sitters, I should have clarified that... I can't put that on her. And to clarify further - I DO want her to come, but she really can't... I just need to know if I am WRONG to go without her when she truly cannot go.


You are NOT wrong.

These are work related trips/vacations & as the sole financial provider of the family, it IS important that you attend. You may want to stop "hating everybody at work" though 

Are you willing to be more flexible with childcare for the children if your wife could be?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

You can be right or you can be happy Joe. IF you choose to be happy, then you will make a way for her to go with you or sacrifice and not go on the trip because a way couldn't be made.

These are the choices here. Your marriage or your job. Choose.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

....double post


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Im losing you.

She is upset, you sense, but you say "she really can't" go. Guess Im not fully understanding the 'can't' part.

Without knowing you from a hole in the wall... I am guessing that if you really wanted to, if it was important, you could make it happen. No? Lets say you have to be in Martinique for a week to pick up your million dollar check. You and your wife must be there to endorse it, no kids allowed. 'Nope, aint happening'. 

You have said it is the most heated topic in your marriage - worth a little brain damage to make it happen, isnt it?

hey - just for comparison... we have amost no family living near us and we too have trouble finding ways to ditch the kids. Though its not for a week - we fly in grandma for a few days from the opposite coast once a year to take them for a long weekend when we go away. If needed - I would fly in my brother too for another couple of days. It is a fantastic pain in the a$$. Costly, pulling favors, scheduling, making people take vacation days. Asking for help. Recruiting people nearby that we know to take them for a night and then another. I say you've been doing it for almost 20 years... time to throw the missus a little bone, dont you think?

Heck - you could even tell her that if she can help work out the details - pack your bags honey, and bring extra suntan lotion and that little thongy thing you wear - we-a-goin' to have a fun-o-rama.

I say you can have your cake and eat it too.

Or - you can keep doing what you are doing and asking people on the internet if you are wrong. I'm getting the (perhaps mistken) impression that you have already determined she cant go no matter what - so if you go she is miserable and if you stay you are miserable - in short you are both going to be miserable no matter what, right?

She has been before... a long time ago... so she knows what she is missing.

Hmmmmm.


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## stuck in los angeles (Feb 15, 2013)

Personally, I would not go without my wife. A hunting trip is different but this one I understand her point.


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## Sennik (Feb 15, 2011)

Joe986 said:


> Thanks for the feedback so far... I should clarify too that the kids are now 11 and 7... and my wife would only allow her mom or sister to stay with them. My mother-in-law is not retired and sister-in-law just started a new job so she couldn't come this year.
> I would love to bring them all but being a company trip, the kids are not invited.


Is the company renting out the cruise ship exclusively? 

If not, what is preventing you from booking a lower-cost adjoining/across the hall room (or upgrading your company-provided room to handle 4) for the kiddos and having your wife watch them for the events that are employee+spouse only. Or...use the services they have available to keep kids occupied and supervised while you two are doing the company thing?


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I can't believe that you go on these trips without her! These trips are as much of an award for her as for you. If you're the top salesmen that probably means long hours and she's putting in the support at home so you win these incentive trips. She should be benefiting too. 

Hey, my husband goes on golf weekends with the guys and I go on girl's weekends to a spa, so I have no problem with every once in a while separate trips. This is so totally different. I would be pissed if my husband was off at some tropical resort year after year while I'm home minding the kids. Wow.

I think you're selfish. If you really wanted her to go, you would be figuring the babysitting sitch all out. Yeah, I'm going to say it: I think you like the idea of having "single life" vacations.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Joe986 said:


> Well, I have to admit to you guys that we really don't have alternate sitters - it really is only her mom or her sister. I agree with her in regards to the sitters, I should have clarified that... I can't put that on her. And to clarify further - I DO want her to come, but she really can't... I just need to know if I am WRONG to go without her when she truly cannot go.


Find an alternative sitter or don't go.

You're top salesmen you really think they will what fire you for passing up a vacation because you don't have a sitter?

I could see if this was a work thing but it's not. It's OPTIONAL.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

soccermom2three said:


> These trips are as much of an award for her as for you. If you're the top salesmen that probably means long hours and she's putting in the support at home so you win these incentive trips. She should be benefiting too.


I agree with this. I mean, this is the whole reason we have alimony in the first place.

Let me ask you, OP....when you think of your wife as a stay at home mom, do you think: a)she's given up her career so that I can be more successful? or b)she's a freeloader and sponges off the income that I provide?

Personally, when my wife was a stay at home mom (and even now she's part time and I make 10 times her income) I looked at her as making a huge sacrifice for the good of our children and family. Any success that I enjoy is only possible because she's at home supporting me and my career. She is entitled to any reward I get, as much as I am. I couldn't have my career success without her.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

What's the point of asking whether or not if its right or wrong if you don't intend to do anything about it? If the majority of people say "Yes, it's wrong" are you going feel bad, but continue the same old cycle?

Like another poster asked - is the company renting out the entire cruise ship? If not - why couldn't you book a room for her/the kids? Hell - why not suggest this to the company? The fact that you made clear "Kid's aren't invited" makes me wonder - what all goes on during these trips that people don't want their kids around? What kind of places are we going to?

As for the kids, do you not live near or are you estranged from your family? There has to be -someone- besides her family that could watch the kids while you went on a trip. 

There's no one's older say - daughter from work who needs some extra cash who could stay at the house and watch the kids? There's got to be some older teen or college student somewhere in your town that is trustworthy that someone knows who needs some money, and can at the least be in the house over night for the kids, do a bit of cooking etc.

Edited to add:



> I told her she could plan a family trip all of us could go on, her choice - isn't this enough?


What's with that question - isn't this enough? Perhaps, just perhaps your wife would like at least once a year to be something other than in "Mom" mode - perhaps she'd like to go to Cancun, lay in the sun, wear a bathsuit and take some time to relax. Sorry - but trying to deal with two grumpy kids hot all day after a day walking around at Disney World does not equate to - vacation fun in the sun with no obligations.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

What is wrong with a vacation like this? To me it is no different than having a weekend apart for any various reasons.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I can't imagine going to those kind of place with all those hot chicks walking around and not getting laid every night by my wife.

My point is why would even want to go with out her...sitting around the beach or the pool with your old lady hang her stuff out for you to check out and then take it back to the room and stay in and get room service brought to you while sitting around naked in a king size bed.....

Man I could go on and on why I wouldn't want to go without my old lady.

At the end of the day ....hang out with a buddy and wish you were getting laid or hang out with your chick and know your going to get laid.

But thats just me, that how me and mine roll when it come to vacations.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

the guy said:


> I can't imagine going to those kind of place with all those hot chicks walking around and not getting laid every night by my wife.
> 
> My point is why would even want to go with out her...sitting around the beach or the pool with your old lady hang her stuff out for you to check out and then take it back to the room and stay in and get room service brought to you while sitting around naked in a king size bed.....
> 
> ...


Exactly. Unless, of course, your plan is to play the field while you're free for a week.


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## stuck in los angeles (Feb 15, 2013)

soccermom2three said:


> I can't believe that you go on these trips without her! These trips are as much of an award for her as for you. If you're the top salesmen that probably means long hours and she's putting in the support at home so you win these incentive trips. She should be benefiting too.
> 
> Hey, my husband goes on golf weekends with the guys and I go on girl's weekends to a spa, so I have no problem with every once in a while separate trips. This is so totally different. I would be pissed if my husband was off at some tropical resort year after year while I'm home minding the kids. Wow.
> 
> *I think you're selfish.* If you really wanted her to go, you would be figuring the babysitting sitch all out. Yeah, I'm going to say it: I think you like the idea of having "single life" vacations.


I have say I agree with this post. Think of your marriage as a team effort. If your marriage is something you want to keep, then I would start to look at it from her perspective too. Trust me, if it gets to the point of divorce or her getting fed up and looking to another man for support, your life is going to suck. You'll look back and wish you were not being selfish about this issue.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

the guy said:


> I can't imagine going to those kind of place with all those hot chicks walking around and not getting laid every night by my wife.
> 
> My point is why would even want to go with out her...sitting around the beach or the pool with your old lady hang her stuff out for you to check out and then take it back to the room and stay in and get room service brought to you while sitting around naked in a king size bed.....
> 
> ...


Agree this is how my husband feels. He'd say it would suck to watch half naked women walk around and not be able to get laid every night. LOL

And I agree. I have ZERO desire to go on a cruise without him. If he can't go I don't want to either.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

Do you actually do the family vacations every year though?

You didn't say how long the trips are. Are they a long weekend or an entire week.

I really don't understand why she couldn't have gone on the cruises. You are the top salesperson. You can afford to buy a stateroom for them.

As for Cancun, pay for her and the kids to go with you. They don't have to attend your company party or whatever they have. There is plenty for them to do there on their own.

Or leave them with grandma and hire a nanny to make sure they get to school and get picked up on time. Does she live close enough to you?

And yes a fair solution if they don't go is for her to take a week off with one of her gfs and you pay for it and you watch the kids.

There are solutions for this and she has a right to be mad.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

stuck in los angeles said:


> I have say I agree with this post. Think of your marriage as a team effort..


Oh ya and that too!


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

You should be able to go and enjoy what you've earned with or without her. You say you want her to go and I beleive you do. The fact is it is causing a recurring problem and its likely to get worse instead of better. Its making her unhappy and resentful so...if you really cant work out childcare...whats most important to you?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

My company awards their sales people with trips like that, too. And they recognize that the spouses and children of those sales people keep the home fires burning and put up with a lot of long hours, missed birthdays and soccer games, and ruined holidays and weekends because of email and Blackberry/iPhone/iPad and having to catch that next flight. 

That's why they specifically say the award trip is a family trip. Spouses and kids are encouraged to come. The planned events are for the whole family. And the spouses are at the awards dinners, of course.

I'm surprised your company doesn't "allow" kids. Perhaps they won't cover the extra costs if you bring your kids, but they won't be kicking anyone out at the hotel or cruise ship if you make separate arrangements for them to join you. Or you can make other baby-sitting arrangements. Your kids are 11 and 7 - surely, they must have some friends you approve of with parents who could take them.

If you wanted to find a solution that would include your wife on the trip, you would. Since you don't want to, then don't go or go alone. Bringing a _buddy _is pouring salt on your wife's wounds.


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## Ignis (Feb 16, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Bottom line, for you to suggest that she stay home and watch YOUR kids while you vacation in the tropics, is selfish to the nth degree. I think you know this already.
> 
> How about instead of offering a lousy family vacation, you offer to send her to the same place you went, with her own buddy, while you stay home and watch the kids? She could go the week after you return. That would be fair. But let me guess, you don't want her to go alone and don't want to take care of the kids alone....


Good answer! I also think it is necessary you have to be brutally sincere with here and tell her the right reasons not to take her with you.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Try a little bit harder to find a babysitter. How about the grandparents? 

No wonder your W is unhappy about the situation... As for the buddy - if my SO took a buddy on a trip like that, I'd ask him to pack ALL of his bags when he left!


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

You have excluded your wife for 11 YEARS. You can't tell me that you NEVER let your kids spend the night, or a couple nights, at friends houses. And, do your mother-in-law and sister-in-law live in the same town you live in? If so, then there really IS no reason your kids couldn't stay there. Honestly, it sounds like you are coming up with EXCUSES to keep your wife from going. It's not that she "CAN'T" go, seems more like you don't WANT her along... which makes me wonder WHY that would be.

I have been a SAHM for almost 12 years. There is NO WAY my husband would have EVER considered not taking me along. Sure, we may have agreed to ONCE, ONE year only. But after that? No way. We would have made arrangements for both of us to go. 

Stop slighting your wife. Figure it out so she can go, not your friend.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Trips like these I'd be highly upset if hubby didn't include me. Not only that, hubby would help arrange babysitter if needed. 

Your trying to quick fix this would tick me off too. Why are you not involved in the planning? Why are you putting this all on her?

One thing that might work in the future is give your wife a deadline of deciding whether or not she's able to make a trip or not. You should be taking her, not a buddy.


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## 3rotties (Jan 28, 2013)

My husband also receives a business trip each year and I have accompanied him every year. It was very difficult to leave my daughter home with her grandparents, but she did great! THis year we are bringing our daughter with us and looking forward to a great family vacation. I know how your wife feels because when my daughter was first born, I did not go. My husband also did not go and his boss was more than understanding. I say take your wife and children and enjoy!


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Joe,

I am sorry to say that you have got it wrong.


If this was a working trip (deals to be done, money to be made) then you could be justified in going without your wife but it is a "jolly" and you should make arrangements to take her with you. Ask your mum if she can have the kids this year.

Pull your finger out.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I can't help but to keep thinking of how pissed off I'd be if I only took 1 vacation in 11 years. 1 vacation with my spouse... no breaks??!!

And my husband goes off EVERY year to someplace cool with a buddy??? OMG I would be spitting knives.


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## Joe986 (Feb 20, 2013)

Thank you for your brutally honest answers... that is what I am looking for here... but with respect, I am seeing way too much emphasis on the childcare situation - that's not the questions I have. My wife and I equally agree that we only have the 2 options for a week's worth of babysitting - her mom - who cannot take a week off - she works at a school and only gets 2 personal days/year therefore cannot take a week off AND she lives far enough from where the kids go to school. 2nd - sister - she lives out of state, recently got married and a new job - she cannot come. 
We apparently are not as lucky with family or friends to take our kids! This is something my wife and I completely agree on. My question... is it okay for me to go anyway when WE don't have childcare?


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## Joe986 (Feb 20, 2013)

And yes, I see many have already answered a big yes or no but it's unclear when you follow up regarding the childcare - I just wish the childcare issue would be rested... she and I agree on this... not an issue between us. 
We do go on on family vacations each year - but usually amusement parks (not her favorite but she has fun).


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> My question... is it okay for me to go anyway when WE don't have childcare?


No, it's not. It's not ok with your wife, so no, it's not ok for you to go without her every year. The only other alternative since you refuse to look for child care is to bring the kids along and pay for their airfare yourself.

I don't know what kind of special snowflakes your children are, but they aren't babies. They have friends, with parents. You can make friends with those parents and sort out baby-sitting sharing duties so that you have child care when needed, and can return the favor for them when needed. This should have been done long, long ago.

Why are you both isolating yourselves like this? What if your wife were to become suddenly ill, and your mom and sister can't care for the kids either?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Joe986 said:


> We do go on on family vacations each year - but usually amusement parks (not her favorite but she has fun).


Do you even see how unfair this is? How it breeds resentment in your wife? Do you even care how she feels and has felt for the last 11 years that you've been living it up in Hawaii while all she gets is an amusement park she's not even that fond of ?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

The answer is no, it's not ok.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I wouldn't go if she was upset that she couldn't go as well.

I don't think I'd enjoy myself knowing I was the cause of her unhappiness.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Can you not talk to your boss and tell him that you would prefer to take your W and kids along with you? You can't be the only employee who has a W who isn't OK with these singles vacations... Offer to pay for your kids, if needs be, but it's at least worth a try.


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

Joe986 said:


> We apparently are not as lucky with family or friends to take our kids! This is something my wife and I completely agree on. My question... is it okay for me to go anyway when WE don't have childcare?


People aren't going to change their answers, Joe. Although a couple of people have thought it was okay I'd say that the majority would still say "No!" it is not okay. It is unfair and frankly cruel. If she were not home taking care of the kids and the home front, I seriously doubt that you would be salesman of the year. Where is her trip to Cancun (without you)?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

And if your W can't go because of childcare issues, those childcare issues are yours, too. In other words: "Sorry Employer, but WE can't go because WE cannot get a suitable sitter."


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Well, I suggested you alternate years - she gets to go next and you stay home.

Bottom line: If the two of you aren't willing to explore child care options, then the TWO of you stay home.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> My question... is it okay for me to go anyway when WE don't have childcare?


NO. Absolutely not okay. It's a _mutual_ problem, so mutually you should stay home.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Joe986 said:


> My question... is it okay for me to go anyway when WE don't have childcare?


No.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

And I'm going to say it again, I would be resenting the fact that in 11 years I had only ONE adult vacation with my spouse. Before the kids, and the marriage, it was awesome. Now I'm stuck with amusement parks and hotel rooms with double beds.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Talk to neighbors and friends see what sitters they use do backround checks on them and you 2 pick one come on please both of you work on this.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Don't you have any friends that you trust? Other couples that you do stuff with that maybe have kids too? 

Your oldest has been in school now for 6 years now? Have you or your wife become friends with any of the other parents?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

soccermom2three said:


> Don't you have any friends that you trust? Other couples that you do stuff with that maybe have kids too?
> 
> Your oldest has been in school now for 6 years now? Have you or your wife become friends with any of the other parents?


I'll go further...

Are the kids in any after school activities? Clubs? ANYTHING?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

soccermom2three said:


> Don't you have any friends that you trust? Other couples that you do stuff with that maybe have kids too?
> 
> Your oldest has been in school now for 6 years now? Have you or your wife become friends with any of the other parents?


Yes obviously friends work what about someone's retired parents I'm sure for the right price you could find someone or through the church.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

If I were your wife (obviously I'm not) it would bother me but I would let you go because if I were to put myself in your shoes I would want to go as well. However, not taking trips with your wife alone, even for an overnight or weekend, only having amusement park trips is wrong and ubfair especially given you get this great trip every year and may be partly why she is so resentful.


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

Personally I think she's being selfish. Either both of you can go or no one can go? That's crap. If she had the same opportunity, would you be angry that you had to stay home and watch the kids?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

BrockLanders said:


> Personally I think she's being selfish. Either both of you can go or no one can go? That's crap. * If she had the same opportunity, would you be angry that you had to stay home and watch the kids*?


After 11 years of it, YES I would be angry. Every opportunity is also an opportunity to prioritize who/what is most important in life. And guess what? It ain't always about YOU. If that's how you want to live, you're not going to have much company when the opportunities are long gone. These trips are OPTIONAL.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> After 11 years of it, YES I would be angry. Every opportunity is also an opportunity to prioritize who/what is most important in life. And guess what? It ain't always about YOU. If that's how you want to live, you're not going to have much company when the opportunities are long gone. These trips are OPTIONAL.


After 11 years I would be angry too but I dont think wanting to go is in and of itself wrong. I think its more than this particular trip though. Him going on a trip is one thing, her continually not feeling priortized and short changed is another.


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> After 11 years of it, YES I would be angry. Every opportunity is also an opportunity to prioritize who/what is most important in life. And guess what? It ain't always about YOU. If that's how you want to live, you're not going to have much company when the opportunities are long gone. These trips are OPTIONAL.



They're a reward for performing well, which means he probably brought home decent money from his commissions for her as well. She feels unappreciated as a SAHM, what does she want, a trophy? This has nothing to do with her needing him around the house to do things, that I could understand. This is pure, unbridled jealousy.

"She says the time of year is even worse because it's often zero degrees and I am in a tropical location"

Seriously?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

BrockLanders said:


> Personally I think she's being selfish. Either both of you can go or no one can go? That's crap. If she had the same opportunity, would you be angry that you had to stay home and watch the kids?


There's a great way to test your theory/question. It's already been suggested. He can go on his trip while she stays home and watches the kids. Then when he returns, she can go on a trip and he can stay home and watch the kids. Somehow I don't think he'll think it's fair that he has to stay home while she goes vacationing though.

And when you talk about him earning the reward, keep in mind that her taking care of everything on the home front is what enabled him to earn it.


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> There's a great way to test your theory/question. It's already been suggested. He can go on his trip while she stays home and watches the kids. Then when he returns, she can go on a trip and he can stay home and watch the kids. Somehow I don't think he'll think it's fair that he has to stay home while she goes vacationing though.
> 
> And when you talk about him earning the reward, keep in mind that her taking care of everything on the home front is what enabled him to earn it.


That's not a good 1:1 comparison. He's being presented with a free trip that he earned. Why wouldn't he go on another trip with his entire family. There's no need to leave him behind. He hasn't said once that he didn't want her to go, she just proclaims she can't.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

BrockLanders said:


> That's not a good 1:1 comparison. He's being presented with a free trip that he earned. Why wouldn't he go on another trip with his entire family. There's no need to leave him behind. He hasn't said once that he didn't want her to go, she just proclaims she can't.


No, HE and SHE proclaim she can't because they apparently haven't prioritized establishing adequate child care arrangements in 11 years.

And, in these past 11 years, the only family trip our Top Sales Person has paid for is trips to amusement parks. No vacations for the family to lovely island locations.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

BrockLanders said:


> That's not a good 1:1 comparison. He's being presented with a free trip that he earned. Why wouldn't he go on another trip with his entire family. There's no need to leave him behind. He hasn't said once that he didn't want her to go, she just proclaims she can't.


Actually HE's said quite clearly that she can't go due to child care. It's not her proclaiming it at all. And you know as well as I do that when you say "he earned" you're simply being divisive. In a marriage where she takes care of everything at home so that he can work outside the home, the only way that "he earned" anything at all is by her supporting him. To give him all the credit is just plain wrong.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

If OP was a stay at home dad and his wife was going on singles cruises every year while hubby stayed at home, Brock would be all up in arms.


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

I’d think about finding a different employer. Business trips are one thing but pleasure trips are entirely another. The little time I have with my family I cherish – I’d actually be somewhat resentful about award events without family and in my line, straight up award events generally are family. But on the other hand, I most always take Ms. Spin on business/pleasure trips. She’s a much better “schmoozer” than me, it’s good for her and with a lot of my clients/colleagues/vendors, I think it’s helpful to be known not just as “that guy” but rather Mr. SpinDaddy and his lovely wife Ms. Spin.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

The wife should go too. He didn't have trouble taking her along before. Now the kids are in the picture, it's a no go? BS. I'm sure it was something that was very appealing to her before they got married... her BF earning these trips to exotic places and him wanting to take her along. What girlfriend doesn't love that?? To not have that couple time having fun for so many years has to be frustrating. He takes a buddy on those trips now, not me. UGH.

The OP's wife gets mad now because she knows these are not required trips. She probably thinks he's taking the opportunity to just get away from her and the responsibilities of home. A fishing trip is one thing, but a 5 day cruise to the islands??? I would be furious.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

BrockLanders said:


> That's not a good 1:1 comparison. He's being presented with a free trip that he earned. Why wouldn't he go on another trip with his entire family. There's no need to leave him behind. He hasn't said once that he didn't want her to go, she just proclaims she can't.


So, his wife had ZERO to do with his success? Really? My God I am so glad I have a real man who doesn't think like this. If my husband had a job where he was earning trips year after year, there is no way in HELL he would have even considered taking the trip on his own, or taking anyone but ME. We'd have found alternative care for the kids. 

As WoM pointed out, the OP's wife isn't the only one who is saying she "can't"... THEY BOTH are saying it. If he really wanted her along, he would tell her they were going and they need to find someone to take the kids during the vacation. And stand firm. No, instead, he hides behind the whole nonsense that NO ONE can watch the kids but her mom and sister. Seriously? They're 11 and 7. If you can trust the kids' friends' parents for overnight visits, you can certainly trust them to take them for a few days. And if you never let them even spend the night at friends' houses? Man... you got a who new set of problems there!


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Joe986 said:


> And yes, I see many have already answered a big yes or no but it's unclear when you follow up regarding the childcare - I just wish the childcare issue would be rested... she and I agree on this... not an issue between us.
> We do go on on family vacations each year - but usually amusement parks (not her favorite but she has fun).


Then you don't go. Pure and simple. This trip is as much of a reward for you as her. If she worked full time and your kids were in childcare situations (based on their age etc), and you HAD to handle 50% of all extra issues with your children (lessons, classes, conferences etc) would you be salesman of the year? We both know the answer. PS I'm a salesman as well and have been for 20 years.

So if the children are the hindering factor, it hinders both of you. See if your company would be willing to offer something else as a reward. You're a salesman, this question shouldn't scare you from asking. What's the worst thing they're going to say?..no LOL. 

Ask them for a more family friendly reward, because of how you push yourself to succeed for the benefit of the company, but your motivation is at home in your 2 children and wonderful wife who affords you the ability to be as successful as you are. How much you appreciate the reward but also want to reward the people who allow you to be as successful as you are...etc. etc. You can spin this.


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