# please comment I feel there is no one else I can talk to



## truebeauty (Jun 25, 2010)

My spouse places conditions on our relationship, ones that I cannot live happily with. It makes me feel depressed because all I want to do is love this man ad express that love but I pull back because those feelings are no returned. He puts things above me that are so juvenile to me but even with my personal feelings I try and respect his. The biggest thing that I feel is an issue right now is his addiction to a website. If I asked him to choose one it should be a no contest where me his woman is chosen but when I ask that question all I get is “I don’t have a answer or I don’t know .“ We’re both frustrated and both tired of the same conversations but I can’t let this go. He made it so clear to me by the things that he says to me and actions that he takes that I come second to a website, that is something that I feel has pushed me to the max and I really don’t know what else to do. There is no turning back from that there is only the option of moving forward but to me that can only happen if changes are made. He wants me to stand there and dictate what things he can and can’t do or should and shouldn’t do or say but I am not his mother and I do not feel like that will help us. I am really getting desperate to make things work between us, I’ve tried compromising, I offered for us to go to counseling, but nothing seems to register in his mind, I feel really ignored and hurt and I don’t know what else to do. I just feel like I can’t keep compromising myself in order to make “us” happy when in that process I am not happy. I don’t want me to be happy and he is unhappy or resentful towards me but he is allowing me to feel that resentment but ignoring me and placing me second to something that is so insignificant we have a family and I am trying but I really don’t know what else to do.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

in these situations my opinion changes daily. instinctively i think you ought to leave, but then i stayed in my marriage under similar circumstances so sometimes i think you ought to stay. 

but i know if my H continually looked at porn websites i would have gone insane- more so then i did. i dont think its possible to find happiness with a spouse that is so hurtful. i was able to find happiness again because my H agreed to stop looking at websites. even after he agreed and stopped it was still a long healing process. I do not think its possible to even start that healing process if your H wont agree to be an open book and stop looking at websites. and the longer you stay in that situation, the more you become the one that is the addict. he might be addicted to websites, but you've become addicted to him.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

No, you are not his mother. But, you are perfectly within your rights as his wife to tell him if certain things are unacceptable to you. For example, acting as his mother would be telling him that he needs to go change his shirt, or brush his teeth before he goes to work. That's acting like his mother. But to tell him that you won't stand for being second to a website...that's respecting yourself as his wife. To tell him that you expect to be treated in a certain way, to demand respect, courtesy and plain love from him is not acting as his mother. That's acting as a wife who is trying to get what she needs from her marriage. 

If you don't want to tell him how you want to be treated, or you tell him or have told him and it makes no difference, then it's up to you to decide if you want to continue living this way or not. Personally, I would not tolerate being put second to a website. But it's up to you to decide what you are willing to live with.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> No, you are not his mother. But, you are perfectly within your rights as his wife to tell him if certain things are unacceptable to you. For example, acting as his mother would be telling him that he needs to go change his shirt, or brush his teeth before he goes to work. That's acting like his mother. But to tell him that you won't stand for being second to a website...that's respecting yourself as his wife. To tell him that you expect to be treated in a certain way, to demand respect, courtesy and plain love from him is not acting as his mother. That's acting as a wife who is trying to get what she needs from her marriage.
> 
> If you don't want to tell him how you want to be treated, or you tell him or have told him and it makes no difference, then it's up to you to decide if you want to continue living this way or not. Personally, I would not tolerate being put second to a website. But it's up to you to decide what you are willing to live with.


Thanks ATG, I guess Im reallly dumb, I didnt get what web site he was addicted to. 

So I guess we all come from different walks of life but porn isnt making love, it is sick. I totally think it is degrading to women. I actually think you would be within your rights to tell him to make a choice between you and the web site. 

Soo maybe I am dumb or old but intimancy between a married couple should be about satisfying each other and a bonding experience. If two people really love each other it can be an experience of two souls becomming one.


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## jerseygirl27 (Aug 23, 2010)

The first time I caught my husband, he was ordering movies off of dish network and was hiding the bills from me. I was so hurt I almost called off the engagement. He promised he would never do it again. 

Then, two months after our wedding, I caught him again. But this time it was on our lap top. Both times I was not intentionally looking for anything. I just happened to get the mail first and he forgot to erase the web browsing history.

I was never against looking at pornography. In fact, I feel that some men need the visual. However, like in my situation, when your husband would rather look at porn than have sex with you, that is when you know there is a deep problem. 

When I would talk to my husband about the situation, he would become very defensive and angry. I wanted to get to the root of the problem to figure things out. It turns out the first time, he said I was not paying enough attention to him. 

The second time, he had no excuse really. I tried everything to work this out. I offered marriage counseling, he refused. I tried to spice things up by buying sexy lingerie and offered to watch porn with him. Nothing worked. Our sex life continued to diminish. 
I have not caught my husband looking at porn since then (it has been 8 months), so I am having faith in my heart that he is not doing it. I have seen an improvement in our sex life which is a plus.

Anyway... what I learned from my own experience is... this: do not attack him about it and question him constantly. I found it only worsens the situation. Tell him that him viewing pornography is demoralizing. That he needs to respect you and your morals. If it continues and he does not give you the respect you deserve, then I would suggest going to counseling with him. My husband refused to, and if I catch him again, I might consider getting separated.


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## jerseygirl27 (Aug 23, 2010)

Brewster: I'm so glad you said that "viewing porn is degrading to women" I agree with you 100 % 

I feel as though why do men need to look at it when they can have the real thing!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I think this post is becoming about porn, which I dont know if that is what the OP was referring to when she said her H is addicted to a "website". That might not be what it is at all. Just keep that in mind. I said porn because that was the websites my H happened to be addicted to, not necessarily what I thought the OP was dealing with specifically. It is the addiction to something other then your spouse that is hurtful, whether it is porn or a video game.


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## jerseygirl27 (Aug 23, 2010)

Blanca-- thanks for pointing that out. I think that was my way of dealing with my husband's addiction to porn websites. You are very right. My brother is addicted to a website that has to do with baseball cards lol. He totally ignores his wife day in and day out.


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