# Really hope to save my marriage but my wife can't get past my cheating on her



## bdubut (Dec 10, 2011)

I am really frustrated and upset with my relationship at this point and I am desperate for help.

My story is long and brutal but hopefully you guys will read and give me some advise.

I have been married for 7 years and we have 2 daughters, 6 years ago I cheated on my wife, this affair went on for about 10 months before she caught some txt messages on my phone from her to me while I was sleeping. Needless to say I was woken up by my wife holding a baseball bat and telling me to get out of the house before she killed me. Fair enough I certainly deserved it for what I did.

After this happened we seperated for close to a year while my wife decided if she really wanted to be with me or not. Finally she decide that is what she did want and we moved back together and moved on with life, things were a struggle at times but for the most part things were getting better. Then my wife got pregnant with our second child and on her first visit to the doctor found out she had contracted an STD. I guess I must have got it from the women I had an affair with a few years earlier. Needless to say this sent us into another huge tailspin and seemed to have been the straw that broke the camels back. Since that time 2 years ago our relationship has been good on most levels, we get a long great have fun together and hardly ever fight. Unfortunatly on the intimate side of things everything is completly screwed and I can count the times we have had sex on one hand in those 2 years. She also never kisses me unless I kiss her and is basicly very distant. Recently this all came to a head and I finally told her this cannot go on, that we need to find a solution to our problems or divorce. At that time she told me that she isnt attracted to me and that ever since she found out that she had an std from me that she just feels uncomfortable with sex. She says she loves me but not "inlove" with me. At this point I told her she either needs to go to counsiling or I was moving out and she finally decided to go. She has been going for about 2 months and I think its helping her but hasnt really helped our relationship. At this point she says I have done all I could possibly do to help our relationship move forward but that its on her now to figure out if she can do anything to fix our relationship.

I love my wife so much and would do most anything to make this work, however I can't help but feel like I am just sitting here waiting for her to leave me. So any sugestions on what I can do to help my wife fall inlove with me again and want to stay in this relationship with me.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Most of the time, the Rubicon has been crossed via infidelity. You might just have to accept that, contrary to what the reconciliation for a fee sites promote, very few relationships survive infidelity. Many, many very nice, loving, normally forgiving people simply do not get past this. Your wife may fall in with the majority.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Honestly.

I`d let her leave me.

I think at this point the only thing that`ll allow her to see you in a better light would be the fact that what`s out there isn`t so hot.

A little while on her own might actually help her realize she wants to be with you.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I could get past the cheating, Hell, I have but, the STD would have ended it for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

It's difficult to give you quality advice honestly, because I can fully understand why she would leave you after you gave her the gift of an STD....An STD she acquired through absolutely no fault of her own.


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## bdubut (Dec 10, 2011)

Thanks for the replys and yes your right, I understand why she would leave me as well I certainly don't deserve her after what I have done.


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## bdubut (Dec 10, 2011)

I certainly understand what your saying. Since this all happened 6 years ago I have really changed my life and who I am. I was a pretty horrible mean person back then and I am done what I needed to do to change my life. I have served my wife in everyway I know how since this happened. I realize what I did was wrong and sick and horrible. I realize what I did was wrong and I have empathy for what I did to her and I will always be sad and ashamed for what I did to her. However, I want us both just to be happy and I realize maybe you think I never deserve to be happy again for what I did and I guess thats your opinion.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Your W may have thought she could forgive you and move on. Apparently she cannot deal with it anymore. I'm a DS myself and I know everyday we are still together is a gift. I will forever live my life on a day to day basis due to my stupidity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bdubut (Dec 10, 2011)

Thanks Catherine, I agree with you and I feel I may have come not seeming very greatful. The truth is I am so greatful for my wife to give me a second chance, I am greatful for everyday that I get with her. Maybe I should just give up on the intimate part of our relationship and just be greatful we are together. I agree with you that sex is not about giving something to me but to bond and be close and that what I miss about her. I think maybe your right about the ultimatum, that wasnt really a good idea considering the situation. Thanks for you help Catherine.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The STD, is it something that was treatable? Did both of you get treatment and are you both clear of it now? Some STD's cannot be cured. I'm wondering if the health affect of the STD is part of the issue.


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## bdubut (Dec 10, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> The STD, is it something that was treatable? Did both of you get treatment and are you both clear of it now? Some STD's cannot be cured. I'm wondering if the health affect of the STD is part of the issue.


It was Chlamydia, so we just had to take some antibiotics to clear it up.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> I could get past the cheating, Hell, I have but, the STD would have ended it for me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bdubut said:


> It was Chlamydia, so we just had to take some antibiotics to clear it up.


It's a good thing that it was caught before your child was born as it can cause problems for the baby.

Did you take the meds as well?

At least is was curable.

The thing is that you wife now knows that not only did you not consider her emotional health, but her physical health as well. In finding out about the STD, it brings up the entire affair all over again. It's as though it had just happened all over again.

The wound was reopened at a time she was extra vulnerable. An affair is like that. When new info surfaces, even years later this happens.

The 20/20 vision comment on this is that the both of you should have have STD tests as soon as the affair was reveiled.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Ew...That says a lot about the woman you slept with. 

I would think after 6 years, things should be better than they are.


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## tierzastarr (Jan 28, 2011)

Think of it this way. She was probably happy about the baby right?
Going to the appointment all excited and happy and then finding out you have an std from when your h cheated on you a couple years before. So technically your cheating destroyed that day for her. Brought everything back up and made her feel llike ****.

About the sex.
I bet she feel insecure, ashamed and worried that you're judging her. Comparing her. That's how I would feel.
Read this. These are the questions she has running through her mind.
SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for those affected by Infidelity


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

I am not trying to beat on you, as youseem , genuinely , remorseful. But, you and your wife , at this point 6 years out, should have an honest talk about how realistic it is to expect things to improve. 
Have you tried that marriagebuilders program. I am no expert, but it claims high success rates and , at this point, what do you have to lose?


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## bdubut (Dec 10, 2011)

Thanks all for the many replys. Elegirl, I for sure took the antibiotics. 

Catherine, I appreciate your thoughts on this. I changed after I was caught cheating, I had many issue from my past that were really messing up my life and causing me to do so many messed up things to the people I love like my wife. This was a big wake up call to me to really clean up my life and become a good person and the type of person I really want to be.

I knew that obviously her finding out she had an STD was horrible for her but never really considered the fact that finding it out at the time that she did would make it so much worse. Catherine I think I will take your suggestion and apologize to her for not being as considerate of her situation as I should have been. She is really a brave amazing girl and it breaks my heart to think I might lose the most amazing person I have ever met because I used to be such an idiot.

Arnold, I will check out that marriage builder program you mentioned. Have you used it?


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

No. My XW refused to stop cheating or even admit that she was doing so. So, I had no choice but to file. She showed none of the signs of remorse that you do.
You are unusual, you know. Most cheaters never own their crap.
Harley, the mariagebuilders site owner is here in Minnesota and runs weekend retreats that some folks swear by.
Also,check out the frre 30 minute vidoe onhis website. It will give you some apprecaition of the devestating effects of infidelity. I think your wife may appreciate the fact that you watch it and get some info on what she has been through. She should watch it too, maybe, as it will show her that her reaction is not abnormal.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

You gave her an STD and you're wondering why she isn't more attracted to you or in love with you? I don't think you are quite understanding the pain you have caused this woman. Really, you ought to feel more remorse than this. If she wants to leave you, just let her. She might be happier with someone who won't hurt her so wantonly and then later be upset that she is still holding on to some issues about it. I know this sounds insensitive, but, I think you need to hear an un-sugar-coated reply on this one.

If you really think there's some chance of saving this, try and be more compassionate about what she might be going through, more patient about her recovery process, and more actively willing to help her find out if there's something that would help her forgive and move past this -- whether that is time or something else. 6 years may be a long time and you may be over it, be she is clearly not. Help her figure out what's blocking her ability to move past it. If she can't move past it and she wants to let go, then let her go.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bdubut said:


> ...
> 
> Arnold, I will check out that marriage builder program you mentioned. Have you used it?


I'm not Arnold.. but we did use the marriage builder program. It's a solid appoarch. The website has a lot of good info. Dr. Harley has written some excellent books and he does phone marriage coaching. He says he does not do marriage counseling because it does not work.

If you cannot afford that phone coaching, his books are really good self-help books with specific steps to take.

The one linked in my signature "His Need, Her Needs" is one of his books.


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## straightforward (Dec 11, 2011)

In all of this have you let her know how disgusted you are with yourself that you cheated on her? Have you asked her to talk to you about what she is feeling that has her this way toward you? being cheated on and then having to contract and STD is not an easy thing to deal with much less get over. Do you have any idea just how humiliated she must have felt when she found that out? all these thing are what you need to take into consideration. You said you sent her for counselling but did you go with her. She's suffering because of you, you have to realise that and yes there are ways and things you can do to make things better but it will take baby steps. You gave her an ultimatum-BAD IDEA. Answer these. 
1. How would you feel if she did this to you?
2. Would you have forgiven her?
3. What would have been your reaction to getting an STD and finding out like that?
4. What would it take for you to get over it? Would you?

Everyone has given their opinion on what they think of you and so have I but you asked for ideas on solutions. Here's a start (just my opinion or idea) on what you can try.
first have a sit down with her and ask her (and I know this is hard for most guys on the whole) What are your feelings on our situation, how do you feel in all this and ask for her honesty in answering? now please keep in mind that you are not going to like what she has to say and your responses can either heal or hurt the relationship more so thread carefully and please try to listen and understand most men get like apes when a woman states her mind. Be calm because there is a great possibility that she may say things to hurt you as well ad this is mainly because she wants you to feel what she is feeling. If you try it and it works let me know I will offer my suggestion on the second step.

What you did was wrong no doubt about that. If you love her as you say you do words alone wont do it, she'll need proof. And trust is the easiest thing to lose but getting it back takes a hell of alot of work. And I can tell you that because I trust no one. My trust is the most difficult thing to earn.
hope it helps.


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## lindaweller (Dec 1, 2011)

marriage builder programs are very good. i've used one as well as a few of my friends. good luck on your marriage


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

I dunno about the STD - I've never had an STD - never been in a situation to contract one. 

What does Chlamydia do to a man different than a woman? How would bdubut get one and give it to his wife without knowing something was going on down there? Especially having it for more than 10 months before transmitting to W? 

I understand HPV is different. Men can carry that without symptoms (and maybe even Herpes) and transmit to other women, but Chlamydia?

The reason why I call a red flag on this is because of their period of separation. 10 months. Also enough time for his W to have her own fling or two and catch chlamydia. I realize I would be awful pissed off about an affair my spouse had, but I would naturally require an STD check prior to re-engaging in intimate relations. 

This never occurred to her?

I think there MIGHT be more to the underlying story here than meets the eye.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Some people never develop symptoms of Chlamydia. 

chlamydia infection symptoms - Bing Health


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

What are the odds though after that period of time? Not saying it's impossible. Just saying that the other side of the equation should be verified.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

I don't know. But if her gyn is anything like mine, when doing a pap, he usually ran an std panel on me. I am very paranoid about my health. 

I would say odds could be pretty good, especially if he had the minor symptoms and didn't think anything of it. There are a lot of STD's that tend to run silent for a while. Gonorrhea is another one.

Since we really don't know if she's been tested prior to his cheating or not, we really have no idea if she had it or he gave it to her.


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## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

I'm at awe that you insisted that your wife go into professional councelling to fix her intimacy problems with you. It is not her fault she has this problem with you. It was your problem to begin with, and you passed it onto her UNWILLINGLY because had she not caught you, you probably wouldn't have said anything.

In my opinion, its you who needs professional councelling. You did this to yourself, this OW, your wife, and your children. Your inability to cope with whatever-it-was triggered the horrible act of cheating which hurt so many other people, it hasn't just hurt you. Unless you figure out whats going on in your head and take steps to fix it, you will most likely repeat the action during the course of your life when your other coping mechanisms have failed you.

Sure, your wife needs councelling because she has gone through something tramatic. What you've done to her will haunt her for the rest of her life. Though putting this on her as if she's the one who has the problem is wrong.

She took you back when you didn't deserve it. She gave you children when you didn't deserve it. She remained with you through the STD and you're now complaining that you don't have any sex. This isn't her fault, its yours, and only yours. If you want your marriage to continue, you have to take responsibility for the world of hurt you've inflicted on your wife and your children and instead of threatening her, you need to work with her through marriage councelling, and you need to get YOURSELF some help on the side.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Dadof3 said:


> I dunno about the STD - I've never had an STD - never been in a situation to contract one.
> 
> What does Chlamydia do to a man different than a woman? How would bdubut get one and give it to his wife without knowing something was going on down there? Especially having it for more than 10 months before transmitting to W?
> 
> ...


They weren't separated for 10 months. That's how long his affair was.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> They weren't separated for 10 months. That's how long his affair was.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My bad - I was close though - they were separated for a year!


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Ddubt

Her aversion to sex is not due to YOU specifically, not the greater part of it anyway, but to the acquisition of the STI. 

If you put your hand on a hot stove and get burned you don't do that again. WITH ANY STOVE. 

She needs intensive counseling with a counselor and a sex therapist. If you leave without fixing this then you are only looking after yourself. 

I know you don't want to do that.


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