# I want a baby now, but my husband does not.



## Jsigler20

I am 20 and my husband, Joe, is 25. We just got married on November 8th. Joe just started a new job and with both of his jobs, he'll be making about $3,000 a month, so we're planning on moving out of the basement that we're renting and finally getting our first real apartment. We'll have more money than my mom makes (including child support) for her and my brother and sister, so we'll have enough for a baby. I want to try to get pregnant as soon as my birth control shot wears off around Christmas, but he says that we have to wait several years. Even if we got pregnant then, we'd still have 9 months to prepare before we actually had the baby. How to I get him to change his mind and let me have a baby now? 

Jayme


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## Adeline

How long did you date before you got married? Did you discuss before marriage the timeline for having children? Different strokes for everybody, but I personally agree with your husband about waiting. You are very young, he's young, and you're newly married. Why not enjoy those things for a while  Maybe you can come to a compromise with your husband. I don't blame you that you don't want to wait "several" years. Maybe you could sit down and talk about trying to conceive in 2 years (just throwing a number out there). Are you working or going to school? Maybe there are some goals you would want to accomplish in the next year or 2 before having a baby. I would also find out the exact reason your husband feels like waiting, that plays a big factor in everything. Is it financial? Age? Other reasons?


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## EleGirl

Your husband works two jobs. How many hours a week does he work between the two jobs.


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## Flying_Dutchman

Perhaps the easiest way to answer your question would be to ask yourself how easily you'd change your mind to his way of thinking.

It's not a decision one of you gets to make. You have to negotiate a compromise. If you can't and both are entrenched in your POV, you may have to chalk it up as a mistake and move on.

My first LTR ended entirely due to this one issue. My GF was flexible. No pressure, bar the occasional bleat, for 5 of our 6 years, but she wanted 2 kids before she was 30 so that was the end of that. Sad,, but no regrets. We're still good friends. We don't discuss the 'what ifs'. Best thing for the both of us.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifelesson01

You are only 20. You have plenty of time...establish yourself and enjoy a little while with your husband....move, set up the apartment, settle in and then make a decision together.


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## TheCuriousWife

Opposite problem here. My husband constantly begs for a baby, and I don't want one yet.

I agree with everyone else. Enjoy life a little. Get settled. No need to rush into these things.


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## Anonymous07

Don't rush into this. A baby changes *everything*! 

I have a 16 month old and it will change the way you live your life and your relationship with your husband(less sleep, more stress, etc.). You both need to agree to the timeline of when to have a baby or else there will be many problems in your marriage and family. If you trick him into getting you pregnant, be prepared to possibly be a single mother. I know someone who did that and her husband filed for divorce(rightly so to have a wife deceive her husband, don't blame him for that decision). 

Sit down and have a talk with your husband about when he thinks you both should start a family. Talk about finances and start putting away money into savings. Babies are very expensive(diapers, formula - if not breastfeeding, which doesn't always work out, more food, crib, clothes, etc.). You never know if baby might have health issues, which medical bills can pile up very quickly. He is working 2 jobs, which is not great. You have plenty of time for a family later, so try to be patient and look at the big picture. You'll be much happier with a baby when things are more settled.


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## EleGirl

Jsigler20,

Are you reading here? Or have you left and are not coming back to talk to us?


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## Lon

Having a child is a choice that requires both spouses to consent. Trying to figure out how to get him to change is not respecting his choice at all. If you and him have different values and timelines you will both have to figure out how to deal with those incompatibilities, which could spell the end of the relationship (and I do not mean that in a negative context at all).

You are both very young and have lots of time - take the time you have to actually get to know each other completely because adding a child to the mix now only ensures difficulty with communication and defining each others relationship needs.

Good luck and please take your time.


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## michzz

Jsigler20 said:


> I want to try to get pregnant as soon as my birth control shot wears off around Christmas, but he says that we have to wait several years. Even if we got pregnant then, we'd still have 9 months to prepare before we actually had the baby. How to I get him to change his mind and let me have a baby now?
> 
> Jayme


What's the big rush for?

At 20, you have time to make some money and salt it away for the future if you do not have a child right now.

You think of $3,000 as a lot of money. I assure you, while it is a good start, it is not that much if an emergency were to occur.

A more mature approach to having a kid would be to agree that after six months of income is in the bank and the both of you have decent employment, and all education needs are finished, then work on a family.

You are still just 20, why not enjoy the next five years with just your husband?


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## Jsigler20

Sorry, elegirl, I am here. I just haven't had a chance to respond. I'm not sure why he wants to wait so long to have a baby. He said that we don't have enough money right now, but once we get our own place next month and he has a few months of working at his new job, we'll have enough. We also have disagreements about how to raise our kids, such as I want to homeschool them and he is against that. Other than those reasons, one which is not really too big of an issue and the other can be resolved later when we get to that point, I don't know why he says several years. Oh I remember He said that I'm "not responsible enough", which hurt my feelings. Also, I would not try to trick him into getting me pregnant. I would feel really bad if I did that. There are lots of reasons why I want a baby now. I want someone to take care of and someone to love who will love me. Right now I feel like a lot of the time I only have my husband and that's really lonely. That my seem like an immature or bad reason to have a baby, but I really do think I'd be a good mom. Also, having a baby would create something that is both a part of me and my husband and that is beautiful. Something that we can create together and love together and raise together. I want a family and to start all of the traditions and milestones that parents have. I want a chance to be better parents than mine and raise a child/children based on what I've learned in my life. Although it hasn't been that long so far, I have been through a lot and I've learned a lot and I want a chance to share that. Well, I've said a lot.... Hopefully I didn't miss anything or sound too cliche.


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## Jsigler20

Oh yeah, and I quit my job like a week ago (I was only working 2 days a week anyway) and I did a little bit of college, but I had to stop when I moved out of my mom's house because I couldn't afford to pay what's left after financial aid, plus I couldn't go from online to residential because I'd have to move to Virginia from Maryland and my husband can't move out of the state until his probation ends. I am trying to find a new job working with animals and Idk when I'll be able to go back to school, but even if we had the money, online school does not work for me.


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## Jsigler20

And we dated from February 14th-19th, were engaged February 19th-November 8th, and got married November 8th. And we did talk about kids. He always knew that I wanted them asap and I knew that he wanted to wait longer until we at least had our own place and more money, which makes sense, but several years is a long time. And he works pretty much ALL day (from 7-9 with maybe an hour and a half off) during the week and then Saturday night between the two jobs.


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## Lon

*Re: Re: I want a baby now, but my husband does not.*



Jsigler20 said:


> Oh yeah, and I quit my job like a week ago (I was only working 2 days a week anyway) and I did a little bit of college, but I had to stop when I moved out of my mom's house because I couldn't afford to pay what's left after financial aid, plus I couldn't go from online to residential because I'd have to move to Virginia from Maryland and my husband can't move out of the state until his probation ends. I am trying to find a new job working with animals and Idk when I'll be able to go back to school, but even if we had the money, online school does not work for me.


Sounds like not a very secure stable life you and your H have yet. You need a five year plan and to set and accomplish some goals together before you know if you're ready for the commitment of raising a family together.


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## PBear

How long did you two date before you got married? 

IMHO... Get a job, and enjoy life with just the two of you for awhile. Once you have kids, building intimacy with your spouse can be much more difficult. Get a dog if you need someone to love who will love you back. 

And your husband is working two jobs while you quit yours? How does he feel about this? 

C


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## michzz

You sound like your heart is in the right place about wanting to have love and a family.

But I have to wonder about things, such as schooling.

You quit going to school. And online doesn't work for you.

What are you going to do about a schooling a child? as in, what are your strengths as a teacher?

Do you know where to get the right curriculum? How much it costs?

What about the social skills and interactions important to children?

A child has its own needs and will be totally dependent on you and your husband for two decades or more.

Let that sink in.

As much as your heart is in this in a great way, please be levelheaded and realistic about finances and raising a family.

Is there a family planning clinic or a library where you can go to research this?

I hope you don't see having a child as a way to escape life.


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## Adeline

Jsigler20 said:


> And we dated from February 14th-19th, were engaged February 19th-November 8th, and got married November 8th.


You dated for 6 days? Is that a typo, or whats the story there? 

You haven't even known each other (or at least been in a relationship) for a full year yet. I think it's wise to slow down and enjoy each other for a while! Maybe do some travelling, pick a trip for you and your husband to work towards going on together. Doesn't even have to be a big trip. Experience life together. I second the dog thing... sounds silly, but that's pretty much what I did lol. A puppy (or cat) brings a couple together and gives them a common goal of raising said animal and training it and loving it. I don't think you have to wait several years for a child, but I think enjoying the here and now for a year or 2 would bode well.

And think about this... you say you cannot afford to attend school anymore. Perhaps you are not as financially ready as you think you are. You say you want to work with animals, why not get a job at a pet supply store? Petsmart hires people in their Banfield vet to be vet assistants. Not vet technicians, but assistants, and you don't need prior experience for that. How cool would that be? Or a kennel assistant at an animal shelter. And again, since you say you love animals, getting a dog or cat could fulfill some of those needs as mentioned before


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## EleGirl

Jsigler20 said:


> And we dated from February 14th-19th, were engaged February 19th-November 8th, and got married November 8th. And we did talk about kids. He always knew that I wanted them asap and I knew that he wanted to wait longer until we at least had our own place and more money, which makes sense, but several years is a long time. And he works pretty much ALL day (from 7-9 with maybe an hour and a half off) during the week and then Saturday night between the two jobs.


The hours that your husband is working is completely unfair to him. And now you want to add a child to the family. This will put more of a burden on him.

Of course you are lonely being married to him. He's never home, because he's working his behind off to support you.

It would be better if you got a job right now so that he could work fewer hours. Then the two of you could take a few years to get to know each other and to build a nest egg.

Home schooling is not really a good thing for someone who only has a high school education to take on. How are you going to teach your children when you are not prepared to do this?


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## PBear

Sorry, just saw the relationship history. 

You seem impatient and impulsive, and possibly immature. Have you ever lived on your own? Been responsible for yourself? 

You've dropped out of school, and you can't afford to go back. Your husband is apparently an ex-con, working 70 to 80 hours a week to take home (hopefully that's his take home pay), so his job prospects and earnings are questionable, and in the meantime, you're unemployed. 

As a father of two kids, there often isn't a good time to have kids. But some times are definitely better than others. And my advice is to figure out this marriage thing now, before complicating things with kids. In most cases, kids do NOT reduce stress in a marriage. They're expensive, cut into your sleep, divert your emotional attachment, consume spare time, etc. There's a lot of benefits as well, obviously, but still... 

C


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## richardsharpe

Good evening all
Having a child is the most important decision you will ever make in your life. Everything else - marriage, buying a home, getting a job, can be undone. Your child is yours for the rest of your life.

That doesn't mean its bad, but you should think about it very carefully. 

Both parents absolutely must be in agreement. It is not fair to the other parent and especially not fair to the child to have a baby that one parent doesn't want. (Speaking from experience - at some point as a child I realized that my father didn't want me - he did his duty to take care of me but I was not wanted)

Your life should be stable and well under control. Having a baby uses an enormous amount of time, energy, money. 

Your life will change completely. That can be OK, but don't make the mistake of thinking that life will be pretty much the same, but with a child in the house - that isn't how it works.


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## Anonymous07

Adeline said:


> You dated for 6 days? Is that a typo, or whats the story there?
> 
> You haven't even known each other (or at least been in a relationship) for a full year yet. I think it's wise to slow down and enjoy each other for a while! Maybe do some travelling, pick a trip for you and your husband to work towards going on together. Doesn't even have to be a big trip. Experience life together. I second the dog thing... sounds silly, but that's pretty much what I did lol. A puppy (or cat) brings a couple together and gives them a common goal of raising said animal and training it and loving it. I don't think you have to wait several years for a child, but I think enjoying the here and now for a year or 2 would bode well.
> 
> And think about this... you say you cannot afford to attend school anymore. Perhaps you are not as financially ready as you think you are. You say you want to work with animals, why not get a job at a pet supply store? Petsmart hires people in their Banfield vet to be vet assistants. Not vet technicians, but assistants, and you don't need prior experience for that. How cool would that be? Or a kennel assistant at an animal shelter. And again, since you say you love animals, getting a dog or cat could fulfill some of those needs as mentioned before


:iagree:

If you want someone to love and love you back unconditionally, then get a dog. You also really need to get a job yourself because it is completely unfair for your husband to be working such long hours so you can hang out at home and do what ever you please(not going to school, not working). What exactly are you doing all day? Part of being an adult is being responsible, in that includes earning an income. You went from your parents supporting you to your husband supporting you, without learning how to do things on your own. Slow it down and take some time to learn about yourself and your new marriage. 

I will also say that a baby won't magically make you feel better about issues you have with your past. Babies complicate things more than you ever imagine. You really want to have a stable foundation(stable marriage, stable financial income, money put away, a good amount of time together, mentally/emotionally in a good place, etc.) before having a baby. It's hard to have alone time with my husband with our toddler running around. Parenting is a tough job and it makes marriage more difficult. If you have only been with your husband for such a short period of time, I can't imagine throwing a baby into the mix so soon. It really could spell disaster. 

Why not agree to get a dog and revisit the baby issue in 2 years? Give yourselves time to get to know each other and build up some income, hopefully your husband getting a better job where isn't working such long hours.


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## Miss Taken

What everyone else said. I agree with your husband, it's not a good time. Waiting a few years would be the better idea. 

Also, you need to fix your loneliness issues first. They will get worse without a doubt once baby arrives and you find yourself parenting alone without any break or time to yourself, not better.


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## EleGirl

Miss Taken said:


> What everyone else said. I agree with your husband, it's not a good time. Waiting a few years would be the better idea.
> 
> Also, you need to fix your loneliness issues first. They will get worse without a doubt once baby arrives and you find yourself parenting alone without any break or time to yourself, not better.


This is so true. Being stuck at home day after day with a child can be the loneliest thing a person can do. A baby is not company. They don't talk, the don't affirm you. Instead they are demanding little things that will sap every bit of energy out of you. SAHM's often end up very lonely and craving adult interactions.

The reason babies are so cute is that if they were not, we would never put up with their constant demands and their draining of our energies.

(By the way I love babies. I'm just a realist.)


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## richardsharpe

Good evenign all
I think babies amplify things. In a good stable relationship, a baby can make things even better. If there are problems, a baby will just make them worse.


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## Lon

richardsharpe said:


> Good evenign all
> I think babies amplify things. In a good stable relationship, a baby can make things even better. If there are problems, a baby will just make them worse.


even in the most stable and supportive families, babies are a sh!tload of work.


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## Miss Taken

EleGirl said:


> This is so true. Being stuck at home day after day with a child can be the loneliest thing a person can do. A baby is not company. They don't talk, the don't affirm you. Instead they are demanding little things that will sap every bit of energy out of you. SAHM's often end up very lonely and craving adult interactions.
> 
> The reason babies are so cute is that if they were not, we would never put up with their constant demands and their draining of our energies.
> 
> (By the way I love babies. I'm just a realist.)


I love babies/kids too but being real - they can downright suck sometimes. Your time, your energy, your emotions, your patience, alone-time with one's spouse, R&R time for your self to be alone, your money etc. etc. Then they grow from babies into toddlers that colour on the walls with permanent marker or pull their diapers off, children who whine, pre-teens/teens with attitudes, young adults who are too focused on themselves to even bother to call...

Of course there is incredibly immense love and there are good times in between that help make up for that stuff but I think it's good not to look at having a child through romantic lenses. There is a lot of good, and a lot of hair-pulling bad. Having a child has probably never saved a marriage, nor healed someone's pre-existing internal pain and loneliness. They're not cure-alls and also shouldn't be given such a burden. 

A marriage/relationship with kids is also more complicated and stressful during the bad times, or emergencies or crisis than it would otherwise be without. Of course there are times that dealing with that stuff will pull you closer to your spouse but it can also have the opposite effect and be a major source of conflict and contention.


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## GTdad

My wife and I married young, 21 and 19. It was tough for a while. To a large extent we grew up together during the early part of the marriage. The smartest thing we did was put off kids for the first five years. That time we had together, just the two of us, was invaluable. We got to know each other, figure out what we wanted and where we were going, and get to a better place to start raising kids together.

You're still young. Get to know each other. There is still plenty of time for kids in the future.


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## whatslovegottodowithit?

Stay in the basement, pay off all your bills, save for a rainy-day, have/get health insurance, then, and only then, move forward with your life. The faster you get to that point (more sacrifices like eating in, no trips for $5 coffees, etc...) shows just how responsible you two are and will give a child a MUCH better quality of life then the "let's do this now!". Your story is more of a wants vs. needs scenario.


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## Hicks

You can't go through life making bad decisions.
Espeically when your deicsions start affecting innocent children,

Wait a few years to conceive a child.


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## SimplyAmorous

Jsigler20 said:


> Sorry, elegirl, I am here. I just haven't had a chance to respond. I'm not sure why he wants to wait so long to have a baby. He said that we don't have enough money right now, but once we get our own place next month and he has a few months of working at his new job, we'll have enough. We also have disagreements about how to raise our kids, such as I want to homeschool them and he is against that. Other than those reasons, one which is not really too big of an issue and the other can be resolved later when we get to that point, I don't know why he says several years. Oh I remember He said that I'm "not responsible enough", which hurt my feelings. Also, I would not try to trick him into getting me pregnant. I would feel really bad if I did that. There are lots of reasons why I want a baby now. I want someone to take care of and someone to love who will love me. Right now I feel like a lot of the time I only have my husband and that's really lonely. That my seem like an immature or bad reason to have a baby, but I really do think I'd be a good mom. Also, having a baby would create something that is both a part of me and my husband and that is beautiful. Something that we can create together and love together and raise together. I want a family and to start all of the traditions and milestones that parents have. I want a chance to be better parents than mine and raise a child/children based on what I've learned in my life. Although it hasn't been that long so far, I have been through a lot and I've learned a lot and I want a chance to share that. Well, I've said a lot.... Hopefully I didn't miss anything or sound too cliche.


Ok .. I was one of those women who also wanted a baby as soon "as nature took it's course", we married when I was 22, or maybe it was 23 (?)..and was pregnant 3 months in.. We wouldn't change a thing....(One couldn't pay me to home school though).. NEVER!

Now here is the *Buts*.. we talked about this for years before we married (he was on the same page, allowing nature to take it's course)..... also we had thousands saved ...we had our own little house, we waited till he got health benefits at work (including for a wife/ children)...that's when we planned our wedding even...*we insisted on having the ducks lined in a responsible row.. before we'd take that plunge.*.

I worked for years -while my Husband worked...in preparing / saving for the family we dreamed about, anticipated one day.. 

My husband never had to work 2 jobs.. this would be very stressful.. . 

I can see where your husband is coming from.. he wants to be in a good place financially.. this is being responsible...

Also a couple should be in agreement here....wanting the same thing, or their will be resentment if one goes ahead of the other.. 

For us, it was a complete JOY and everything you laid out in your post YOU imagine it to be.. 

There were surely sacrifices along the way though, especially materially.. Please .. work on saving money for right now....build your nest egg....but hold on to the vision for children.. of course.. think about getting a job so your H doesn't have to work around the clock like that..that's just not fair TO HIM.. 



> *whatslovegottodowithit said*: Stay in the basement, pay off all your bills, save for a rainy-day, have/get health insurance, then, and only then, move forward with your life. The faster you get to that point (more sacrifices like eating in, no trips for $5 coffees, etc...) shows just how responsible you two are and will give a child a MUCH better quality of life then the "let's do this now!". Your story is more of a wants vs. needs scenario.


I agree with this... when you can afford , when he doesn't have to work 2 jobs to support a family.. when there is money in reserve for those rainy days, if your car breaks down & he needs another for work... enough to pay for your rent 6 + months in advance.. things like that...it's very stressful to get in over your head financially ....adding a baby to the mix will only cause it to be more so.


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## Green Eyes

Please listen to the advice of others here who suggested waiting a few years. Wanting a baby because you want someone to love you unconditionally is unfair to the baby.

If you can't afford school, you can't afford a baby. Enjoy your time with your husband as a couple. I agree that you do sound impulsive and a little immature. I agree with your husband on not having a baby at this time.


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## EleGirl

Seems that the OP did not get the support she wanted. Don't think she's coming back.


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## Miss Taken

EleGirl said:


> Seems that the OP did not get the support she wanted. Don't think she's coming back.


Maybe she will on Yahoo Answers! 

I kid.


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## Jsigler20

I haven't been responding because how am I supposed to respond when everyone is calling me immature and impulsive and basically selfish, acting like I'm MAKING my husband work two jobs, while I sit at home and do nothing. For your information, he didn't do ANY college, which is why he has a limited number of work options, but he is working hard and now has a very good job. He technically doesn't need his first job after a couple paychecks from his new one, but he's still working there so that we can have some extra money. I don't want him to have two jobs. I'm looking for a job, but I have very few work skills and very limited work options as well. I am also looking into taking some classes at community college. But right now, we have one car and my husband uses it for work, so it's very difficult for me to do anything. For me to get a job, I need the car and I can't use the car because he has it at work all day. I'm not trying to force him or trick him into having a baby. I just wanted advice on how to find a compromise. And no, we shouldn't stay in the basement. It's a horrible place to live and we can't even buy food to last more than a day at a time, which ends up being way more expensive, because we share the refrigerator with like 10 other people who leave us like 2 inches of space. We need a real apartment so that we can have a GOOD place to live and stop having to move from room to room every couple of months. Some of you were actually trying to give good advice, but some of you are mean and judgmental when you really don't know the whole situation. An I know that some of you will probably think that I'm even more immature after this or that I "shouldn't even be married this young" or whatever, but I have enough people saying mean things to me, I don't need ADULTS who are supposed to be giving me advice doing it to. For the people who were nice and actually trying to help, thanks.


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## EleGirl

Jsigler20 said:


> I haven't been responding because how am I supposed to respond when everyone is calling me immature and impulsive and basically selfish, acting like I'm MAKING my husband work two jobs, while I sit at home and do nothing.


A thread does best when the OP (original poster = you) comes back often so that the thread is a conversation. People posted based on your first post.

While you might not like how some of us interpreted your post, we did respond to what you wrote in the way you wrote it. So maybe you can think some about your presentation.


Jsigler20 said:


> For your information, he didn't do ANY college, which is why he has a limited number of work options, but he is working hard and now has a very good job. He technically doesn't need his first job after a couple paychecks from his new one, but he's still working there so that we can have some extra money. I don't want him to have two jobs. I'm looking for a job, but I have very few work skills and very limited work options as well.


That’s good to know that your husband does can now work just one job.



Jsigler20 said:


> I am also looking into taking some classes at community college. But right now, we have one car and my husband uses it for work, so it's very difficult for me to do anything.





Jsigler20 said:


> For me to get a job, I need the car and I can't use the car because he has it at work all day.


Is there anything stores or businesses walking distance from where you live where you can work long enough to save up to get a car for yourself?



Jsigler20 said:


> I'm not trying to force him or trick him into having a baby. I just wanted advice on how to find a compromise.


Perhaps a good compromise would be for the two of you to put together a game plan. List what you both think you need in order to start a family. What education/training do the two of you need? Do you want to be in an apartment or own a house? How much money do you need in the bank? 


Jsigler20 said:


> And no, we shouldn't stay in the basement. It's a horrible place to live and we can't even buy food to last more than a day at a time, which ends up being way more expensive, because we share the refrigerator with like 10 other people who leave us like 2 inches of space. We need a real apartment so that we can have a GOOD place to live and stop having to move from room to room every couple of months.


Sounds awful. I agree with you. Get your own place. Is there somewhere near you where the two of you can get even a cheap efficiency (one room) apartment. It seems that would be better than where you life now.


Jsigler20 said:


> Some of you were actually trying to give good advice, but some of you are mean and judgmental when you really don't know the whole situation.


Not one person was mean to you. And judgmental? We went on what you wrote. You did not tell us the whole situation now did you?


Jsigler20 said:


> An I know that some of you will probably think that I'm even more immature after this or that I "shouldn't even be married this young" or whatever, but I have enough people saying mean things to me, I don't need ADULTS who are supposed to be giving me advice doing it to. For the people who were nice and actually trying to help, thanks.


We are not supposed to be doing anything. None of us are paid. Anyone who gives you input/advice is giving up their precious time to try to help you. Believe me no one is trying to be mean. If anything we are concerned. 
Who is your real life is saying mean things to you? And why are they?


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## ToothFairy

Please don't bring a child into the world until you are financially able and more educated. You seem to think that $3000 a month is a lot of money? Out of this you have to pay taxes, rent, food, utilites and more. Do you have savings? Do you have life insurance and medical insurance? Trust me.. that's not enough.

You cannot afford a baby my friend. Focus on making yourself an independent and educated woman first. Then you will be a great mom someday.


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## Lon

You say your H doesn't need two jobs that the second one is just extra spending money, but you share a basement with 10 people and cant even afford your own refrigerator? You don't even have any form of transportation except your own two feet?

And you think now is a good time in your life to take on the responsibility of raising children? Sorry if this comes across as mean, but you can't be for real?

How you compromise when you want a baby and your husband doesn't, is you don't have a baby.


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## Lon

I have a better suggestion, find a cheap acreage to buy rent or squat on, grow your own food and live off e land. That doesn't require more than one vehicle, doesn't require formal education and if you work hard you can support yourselves and possibly even children. Of course land anywhere near civilization is not cheap so the trade off is that you'd be in the sticks.


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## Jara

I'm also going to suggest waiting a bit. I know you want someone to take care of but I think it's best for you to take care of yourself and husband first. Moving can throw a lot of unexpected expenses at you. I would suggest not only getting to know your marriage for a while but also get to know your finances. Live somewhere you would want to raise a kid then decide can you afford that AND a kid? 

Another thing to think about, what kind of insurance do you have for pregnancy and what is the deductible? I do not have kids yet, my husband and I are choosing to wait until we are older (we are 26 now) but my sister has 2 and her deductible each time was 6k. 

As far as job prospects go, I don't know where you live but would public transportation be an option for you? Or riding a bike? Maybe carpooling with your husband? You could drop him off and pick him up at work or vice versa. Try to see if you can work at a local day care or something, maybe you can get some kid love from there to hold you over until you are both ready for a baby. 

You also mentioned your husband just started a new job. I know when starting a new job, I'm not always that comfortable in it yet and I don't like to make any large changes (making big purchases, moving, etc) until I feel stable in it. Could this also be part of your husbands hesitation? 

A lot of big changes at once can be intimidating and scary. New job, moving, marriage and now you are wanting to add a baby on top.


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## MysticTeenager

intheory said:


> OP,
> 
> Just a suggestion:
> 
> While you are waiting (hopefully), to have a baby, you can begin to build a babies "hope chest".
> 
> This would be an ongoing goal for the next few years; until you start actually having children.
> 
> You buy the chest; then with each of your paychecks, you get one small item for your baby; blankets, washcloths, pacifiers, breast pumps, crib mobiles - I'm sure you know all the baby goodies.
> 
> And you will have the fun and satisfaction of anticipating baby, working slowly toward that goal - and lo and behold, when the kiddo arrives - you're already prepared.
> 
> Meantime, you've gotten more job experience, your H is in a better place. You'll have your own home.
> 
> You can develop skills, all in preparation for baby. Learn to cook nutritious food from scratch. Can you knit/sew/crochet and make clothes? Can you take pre-parenting classes somewhere?
> 
> Keep a journal. Or, start a blog. Add to it daily/weekly/whenever. Each time write what you are doing to prepare for having a baby.
> 
> So, you are not actually _having_ the child yet; but you can feel yourself taking real world steps toward that goal. This makes you sense that it _will_ happen one day; while not rushing, and giving you and H time to prepare.
> 
> You might have to take public transportation to work for a while, or share a car with H. That's part of the work you are doing to prepare for being parents together. No, it's not easy; which will prepare you for the reality that having a baby is not easy either.
> 
> I wish you well. My advice (as well as the others here, I'm sure), is to hopefully help you avoid having a train wreck in your life, by having children before you are ready. That means being ready personally, financially - and to wait for your marriage to grow and develop to the point where you are secure and certain that you *both* want to be parents.


:iagree: and I love this!!

I too, married young really want to have a baby. Being surrounded by cute little newborns and adorable toddlers is making me broody. And while I could have a baby, my husband being a college graduate twice with two part time jobs and a really nice place. We do share this place with my in laws and I am young dealing with enough changes. A baby and sleepless nights and all that stress would drive me crazy. I still have a year to graduate and then college to get through. I still need to grow up a little, or a lot. And that is the truth whether I like it or not. 

I dont think anyone was being mean or judgemental but once you have a baby, you wont be able to study properly or get a job you like or do much for yourself at least until it is in school, even then it will be so hard. You need to focus on you so that when the baby comes, you dont start regretting your decision and thinking about all the things you never did. And like so many people pointed out, if you wanted to homeschool them, you need to study more. A high school level of education is certainly not enough. 

Maybe you could get a job as a nanny? You would be around babies who will love you and you them and you get paid.


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## scatty

Experience is a hard teacher. Ever think that some of the people responding have learned from their own mistakes? Probably not, because when we are young, we know everything (myself included!)

First, find a job near hubby's work and commute together. Second, WHY do you share a fridge with 10 other people? I shared a fridge with my man's roommates once and I have seen the horror. Pure horror, I tell ya (No one knew where my take out went- RIGHT!)

Make a game plan to inspire you. Relationship goals, college goals, career goals, housing goals, parenting goals, etc.. Put a time limit on each and devote savings to each one. Make sure your partnership is strong- date nights, talking about issues, conflict resolution being fair. Babysit for experience and money, get a good support system set up with your family/friends. Good luck!


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## Chana

I think the compromise is to wait a while. Maybe not the 'years' he is suggesting, but have a conversation with him and have a more specific time frame that you both agree on.

I don't think responders here are intentionally being mean. The honest truth is that a baby DOES turn everything upside down, in ways you can't even begin to imagine until you do it. The intensity of another human depending on you for everything ALL the time can be a huge adjustment. At 20, most people would think that there's no hurry to get started straight away. Get to know each other better as husband and wife, because sometimes when you're in the thick of child-raising it can be hard to 'grow together' when it seems like your focuses are so different. Having that shared time and good friendship to fall back on is a good thing.

The suggestions above re babysitting/nannying are really good ones.


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## richardsharpe

Good evening Jsiger20
I think most people are not being intentionally mean, but they are very concerned. To many of us it sounds like your life is not in a situation where it is a good idea to have a baby. That isn't a negative reflection, at 20 there was NO WAY I was in a situation where I could have raised a child and I think that is true of a lot of people. 

Different people get to a stable situation at different points. Sometimes very successful people are quite late in having a stable life due to school, starting a business etc. 

Regardless of age, I would not recommend that anyone have a baby until they have:

A place to live with a separate bedroom for the baby.

A job that is either very stable, or with very good prospects of getting another quickly. 

No debts except a mortgage if you have one.

With all of that, enough free time to have someone constantly with the baby.


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## michzz

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening Jsiger20
> I think most people are not being intentionally mean, but they are very concerned. To many of us it sounds like your life is not in a situation where it is a good idea to have a baby. That isn't a negative reflection, at 20 there was NO WAY I was in a situation where I could have raised a child and I think that is true of a lot of people.
> 
> Different people get to a stable situation at different points. Sometimes very successful people are quite late in having a stable life due to school, starting a business etc.
> 
> Regardless of age, I would not recommend that anyone have a baby until they have:
> 
> A place to live with a separate bedroom for the baby.
> 
> A job that is either very stable, or with very good prospects of getting another quickly.
> 
> No debts except a mortgage if you have one.
> 
> With all of that, enough free time to have someone constantly with the baby.


I don't think anyone is faulting you for wanting a baby. But the collective experience of those who have had children is getting everyone to recommend waiting until your situation improves.

If you don't have a car to use, is there any bus nearby?

Can you get a cheap bicycle?

Living with 10 people in a basement is no place to add a baby when you can't even afford to get transportation. 

A baby will require trips to the doctor, the grocery store, a pharmacy, etc.

Plus, a baby needs space to live, be noisy, to explore its world. It needs a parent or caregiver 24/7.

I recommend that you work on yourself, improving your job skills and getting your own place to live before considering having children.


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## Green Eyes

The thing to remember is that change can be stressful, even positive change. You're newly married and wanting to move and have a baby asap. That can cause a lot of stress in your marriage. I think you should focus first on finding better living conditions for the two of you where you can have your own place and focus on each other.

Take the time now to learn to compromise with your husband. Certainly wanting a baby is fine, it's just that right now isn't the right time. I'm sure you want what's best for the baby. What's best for him or her is to postpone conception until you and your husband are on the same page, your marriage has proven stability over time and you're in a better place financially.

No one is trying to be mean to you I don't believe. But we don't think trying to change your husband's mind about this is in anyone's best interest right now.


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## turnera

Jsigler20 said:


> Oh yeah, and I quit my job like a week ago (I was only working 2 days a week anyway) and I did a little bit of college, but I had to stop when I moved out of my mom's house because I couldn't afford to pay what's left after financial aid, plus I couldn't go from online to residential because I'd have to move to Virginia from Maryland and my husband can't move out of the state until his probation ends. I am trying to find a new job working with animals and Idk when I'll be able to go back to school, but even if we had the money, online school does not work for me.


And you think you're stable enough for a kid? Think again.

I'm sorry, but you're being immature about this. You haven't even been married a month. Good grief. 

Spend the next year or two getting your routines down, your money situated, your jobs/school worked out. 

And are you talking about probation with his work or with the legal system?


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## turnera

Jsigler20 said:


> And we dated from February 14th-19th, were engaged February 19th-November 8th, and got married November 8th. And we did talk about kids. He always knew that I wanted them asap and I knew that he wanted to wait longer until we at least had our own place and more money, which makes sense, but several years is a long time. And he works pretty much ALL day (from 7-9 with maybe an hour and a half off) during the week and then Saturday night between the two jobs.


So basically, you want a baby so YOU won't be lonely. Why don't you instead get a job so HE doesn't have to work two jobs, and then both of you can spend time together, like couples are supposed to do. You don't get married just to have a baby. At least you shouldn't. You should be getting married because you want to be with your _husband_.


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## turnera

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening Jsiger20
> I think most people are not being intentionally mean, but they are very concerned. To many of us it sounds like your life is not in a situation where it is a good idea to have a baby. That isn't a negative reflection, at 20 there was NO WAY I was in a situation where I could have raised a child and I think that is true of a lot of people.
> 
> Different people get to a stable situation at different points. Sometimes very successful people are quite late in having a stable life due to school, starting a business etc.
> 
> Regardless of age, I would not recommend that anyone have a baby until they have:
> 
> A place to live with a separate bedroom for the baby.
> 
> A job that is either very stable, or with very good prospects of getting another quickly.
> 
> No debts except a mortgage if you have one.
> 
> With all of that, enough free time to have someone constantly with the baby.


And don't forget at least $2000 in a savings account for medical and other emergencies.


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## Kresaera

I had my first child at 20. While I love him more than life itself, he did not make me feel loved and secure. If anything it was way way way harder. His dad was NOT on board with a baby (my son was not planned) and he was absent from day 1. With your husband working so many long hours, you will be home with this baby day in and day out and that can be extremely demanding. 

Currently I am staying home with my children, I now have 2. My 2nd child, my husband and I planned. I was 26 when she was born and it was like night and day from when my son was born even down to the pregnancy itself and the delivery. Babies are hard work, they are demanding and loud and they don't take no for an answer. If they're hungry, you feed them. If they're wet, you change them, it doesn't matter if you're sick, tired, if you have a broken leg, it doesn't matter. 

I would suggest to wait, for the sake of the new life you are wanting to bring into the world, until you are more financially secure and a little more mature.


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## Lon

I agree Kresaesra, children are mean. Selfish little things that really don't give much affection or love but certainly take a lot! Of course the tidbits of affection you may randomly get as they mature are more than worth it because it helps you realize the countless love and care you give them have meaning. I was 31 when my son was born, and the hard work that has gone into providing for him unfortunately took a huge toll on my former marriage.


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## BrightEyes86

I definitely get the whole biological clock thing. Right now you feel like that's the end-all be-all of your life, I get it. Mine started ticking about 4 years ago, and that's all I could think about for the first year. I couldn't understand why my husband had all kinds of objections to it. But I settled down, and trust me, you will too. The desire to have a baby won't go away, but you'll learn to live with it while you plan for having a baby. Try taking a step back and thinking about how your husband feels. Mine was terrified that I'd leave him if he never wanted kids, so he kept saying 'yeah someday, but not yet' and we never had a real discussion about it. One day I realized that when I think of myself as a mother I always picture him as the father, and I decided then and there that if he never wanted to have kids he'd be enough for me. Once I got to that point and he knew it, he had the freedom to really think about what he wanted, and it turns out he wants kids too. We're going to start trying next year. I have to be in a wedding in June and don't want a big preggy belly if I get pregnant right away, and we're going to pay off his car first so I can get one with 4 doors. We're taking our time and prioritizing, making sure our ducks are in a row before we take the plunge. And I'm glad we waited.

For you guys I'd suggest having a plan. Make a list of things you need to have (both of you!) to be able to have a baby. Things I'd recommend putting on the list would be a car for you, a place of your own with another bedroom for baby, and a job. You're still very young, and I don't mean that in a condescending way. It means that you have plenty of time, it's not like you're 35 and could start going through menopause at any time. You have plenty of fertile years ahead of you, your eggs aren't going anywhere.

You also mentioned in one of your posts that you wanted a baby in order to love and care for someone and be loved back, and to this I say: be careful. Babies aren't capable of reciprocating love, and if this is one of your motivating factors right now I'd suggest waiting until it isn't. I'm not trying to be mean here, I'm just being real. My cousin is a stay-at-home mom, and she gets really depressed sometimes when her man is out working all the time, and so is everyone else she knows and she's home all day with a 2 year old. It's a lonely, tiring job to be a mom. Having a baby won't cure this loneliness you already feel. Other people have said get a dog, and I agree. Dogs aren't babies, and in this case that's a good thing. Dogs are capable of loving their humans unconditionally, they're always happy to see you when you get home and are great snugglers. It'd be a great place for you and hubby to start when you get your own place, another living creature you both love and care for who loves you back. Plus if your dog is a few years old when you eventually do have a baby, they make great companions and guardians for your growing family, as long as you don't let baby poke and pinch and bite the dog.

Your other motivations for wanting a baby are great though. Being able to create another person out of the love that you and your husband share is beautiful, and I commend you for feeling that way. Just work through this rocky period of your life until you get a bit more stable, and you two will probably make great parents.


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## Mardiyya

Awww same here imreally want a baby but my husband just wants me to himself, thing is he doesnt even spend time with me so that doesnt make sense. Im actually starting to resent him and i hate the fact that i married him. I would say try have a chat with your husband and say how serious you are, im sure his a nice guy and will understand.


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## turnera

Mardiyya said:


> Awww same here imreally want a baby but my husband just wants me to himself, thing is he doesnt even spend time with me so that doesnt make sense. Im actually starting to resent him and i hate the fact that i married him. I would say try have a chat with your husband and say how serious you are, im sure his a nice guy and will understand.


Mardiyya, I have a job for you. Go online, or go to the bookstore tomorrow, and get the book His Needs Her Needs. It will explain to you - and to your husband when you explain it back to him - how your marriage is SUPPOSED to look. For both of you. It will make a huge difference.


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