# Husband Wants a Divorce



## user_1933 (Feb 19, 2013)

Need any help I can get. A little over a month ago, after a night of heavy drinking, my husband and I of 5 years, got into a fight and I told him to leave to give me some space. He left, and I was devastated. After 3 and 1/2 weeks, he came home and wanted to work on things. After 4 days of being home, he now does not want to work on things and wants to use our counseling to achieve a healthy divorce. This is not what I want! I know I was a fool to tell him to leave, and I want to work it out! I know begging and pleading will not work, and am trying to remain positive. How can I convince him to not get a divorce?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I certainly know how you feel. Begging, pleading, and crying will have the opposite effect on what you want. You may find it helpful at this point to see an individual therapist--to help keep your emotions in check.

You may also want to read _The Five Love Languages_ by Gary Chapman to get more of an understanding of what is going on in your relationship. I found the book to be extremely helpful. Unfortunately, I discovered the book much to late to implement the basic principles. My horse was already out of the barn.

Hope things look brighter for you soon.


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## user_1933 (Feb 19, 2013)

Thank you, I will look up the book immediately. We went to counseling for the first time today, and he seemed withdrawn, and laughed a couple times. Checked the clock quite a bit. Not good signs


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

1- He's not divorcing you because you told him to leave.

2- You can't convince him not to get a divorce. The harder you try, the more he's going to pull away. 

Give him what he wants. It's going to take some time anyway. He just might realize somewhere along the way that's not what he wants and if he doesn't, well then things were too far gone anyway.

3- Consider the possibility that he's got someone on the side. Do you know where he spent those 3.5 weeks when you were separated?


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## user_1933 (Feb 19, 2013)

Yes, he stayed with a friend. He did have someone else for a period of time during that 3.5 weeks. I am trying soooooo hard to just accept this and move forward, but am a bit of a control freak and I also carry quite a bit of guilt for our relationship going bad. He just refuses to see any positive in the entire relationship, and I have great memories


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## timetofigureitout (Feb 2, 2013)

Wow you really are a control freak! The marriage can end--but obviously it must be on YOUR terms. You kicked him out! You admit you "carry quite a bit of guilt for our relationship going bad". It is okay when you control the way everything plays out. 

As far as considering the possibility HE has someone on the side Totamn--why him? She tossed her husband out the door.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

timetofigureitout said:


> Wow you really are a control freak! The marriage can end--but obviously it must be on YOUR terms. You kicked him out! You admit you "carry quite a bit of guilt for our relationship going bad". It is okay when you control the way everything plays out.
> 
> As far as considering the possibility HE has someone on the side Totamn--why him? She tossed her husband out the door.


Careful with the name calling. Also, let's try to be more understanding and offer constructive advice.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

OP,

I have to think that there is a lot more to this story than you've told so far. 

What has your marriage been like for the last 5 years? Have there been other times that you told him to leave or threatened him with divorce?


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## user_1933 (Feb 19, 2013)

There is much more to the story. It wouldn't all fit on this page. I tossed him out the door after quite a bit of name calling. Both of us have threatened divorce for the last year. He would threaten, I would threaten. I have an appointment with a divorce attorney tomorrow, and I also have a date with my husband to a concert. He has made it clear we are only going on dates to try and be friends, for the kids. Also, last night we slept in the same bed, and he woke me up to have sex, but says it's meaningless, and that he just can't sleep in a bed with a woman and not do that. What a disaster.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Ok so this type of behavior has been going on for some time.

I would guess that he's now tired of the dynamic that you two have and wants to change it.

At this point in time, it looks as if you'll have to accept his decision to move on. Keep it civil for the kid's sake.

You should also consider working on yourself to try and learn to change your controlling way and your explosive anger because in the end, the only one you can change is you.


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## user_1933 (Feb 19, 2013)

I am trying to work on myself. Working out more, trying to stay positive, trying to let things be. This is the most awful feeling. A month and a half ago, I was completely ok with us being over, but something happened. I just truly missed him while he was gone.


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## timetofigureitout (Feb 2, 2013)

Sorry 827 it won't happen again I was just responding to her calling herself one. Apologies.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

1933,

Are you addressing any of your other issues with counseling (like your temper or controlling nature)?


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## user_1933 (Feb 19, 2013)

We haven't reached that point. I don't have a temper, I am actually very passive aggressive, which I am aware that it is a huge flaw. We just began addressing the fact that I have dangerous post partum depression. I am giving up on this marriage and just going to try and recover.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Stop dating and sleeping with him right now.
He wants a divorce, let him suffer the consequences of his choices.
Actually you shouldn't have let him back in until he agreed to fight for the marriage.
Now your stuck living with him in a divorce situation

Is he still seeing the chick he was with when he moved out ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## user_1933 (Feb 19, 2013)

When I let him come back we were going to work on things, I guess I should have made him prove it. He is not seeing the girl anymore, she stopped talking to him
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

user_1933 said:


> When I let him come back we were going to work on things, I guess I should have made him prove it. He is not seeing the girl anymore, she stopped talking to him
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok well, if you want to try to change his mind you need to stop trying to change his mind.

Get the D paperwork going it'll take awhile, you can stall it, and stop it at any time.
With the D hanging over his head he'll take some time to reflect on your marriage and that might be a good thing for you.

Then do a 180, don't contact him be cordial and polite when you must speak with him.
Business only.

If at all possible keep an ear to the ground concerning this OW he says he's not seeing anymore.
If he is still in contact with her it changes your perspective considering what you have to do to have the best change at reconciliation.
Don't take his word for anything.

In fact I`ll hazard a guess right now and tell you he's still seeing her or at the very least in touch with her regularly.
I`m willing to bet she's the reason he seems to have no interest in fixing your marriage.

He figures he's already got a soft landing in her bed.


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## user_1933 (Feb 19, 2013)

Thank you for the encouragement. I need to get myself to a better place to do a 180. I guess I should begin the battle with my depression before I even attempt to save this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## user_1933 (Feb 19, 2013)

Trying to do 180, can anyone offer suggestions on how to deal with constant questions and wanting to discuss feelings? He is a talker, and it is do hard to try to answer without seeming cold
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

user_1933 said:


> We haven't reached that point. I don't have a temper, I am actually very* passive aggressive*, which I am aware that it is a huge flaw. We just began addressing the fact that I have dangerous post partum depression. I am giving up on this marriage and just going to try and recover.


If you are "very passive aggressive" you are very angry. Passive aggression is a way of handling anger. Instead of displaying the anger in yelling, etc. you use passive aggression to get it out and to let the other person know who you feel. There is also a level of punishment of the other person when passive aggression is involved.

How old is your child?

You have postpartum depression and instead of help you get through this your husband is leaving you?

In your other post you said that he had a girlfriend during the time he was gone when you kicked him out. Do you know if the affair is still going on?

If it was me and I did not want a divorce I would not move out of my house. I'd stay there with him and continue to try to be a better person, better spouse and deal with the depression.

Let him be the one who purses a divorce. Sometimes when you do this the person wanting the divorce looses their motivation to file and then you can both fix the marriage.

Also, be very careful of this friendly divorce idea. I applaud anyone who can get through a divorce without it turining into WWIII. But you need to make sure that friendly divorce does not mean that you do not get your share of assets and child support.

How long have the two of you been married?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

user_1933 said:


> Trying to do 180, can anyone offer suggestions on how to deal with constant questions and wanting to discuss feelings? He is a talker, and it is do hard to try to answer without seeming cold


If your husband is not actively in an affair right now, I disagree with you doing the 180. The purpose of the 180 is to distance yourself form the other and to get ahold of your emotions WHILE THEY ARE STILL EGAGED IN AN AFFAIR. The hope is that they will, sooner than later, agree to give up their affair partner.

The one part of the 180 that you might want to do is that you avoid angry outbursts, crying, begging, pleading, etc. 

But you can talk to him, be the best wife you can be and be loving.

You can discuss your feelings with him all you want. It's best to let him bring it up. Keep your responses calm, not guilting him, to nasty comments, etc. Just state your feelings. But most of all ask him what he thinks about what you have said and how he feels. Make it about you listening to him and being supportive of him.

If you or he start to get angry, or yell, etc just stop talking and say that you two can pick it up again after you are both calm and no longer angry.

If you quit talking to him when he wants to talk, you will drive him away.


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## user_1933 (Feb 19, 2013)

I have decided to just get a fresh start. I am going to move to a nice apartment with the kids, low maintenance. He is moving with a friend. We are going to rent the house. I was going insane trying to hold onto something that wasn't there. I have worked the entire marriage, and make more money. I have only asked that he split child care, give me monthly support for kids, and take his financial burden. He will not have custody. I will and I will allow him to come to our apartment freely to see the kids. His living situation will not be suitable for them.


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