# I want to be sure....



## ddf72 (Jun 19, 2009)

Please be patient, I know this is long and probably somewhat out of order, but I need some real advice. 

I've gone to such lengths throughout my ENTIRE life (even as a 5-year-old) to recognize that abuse inflicted on me stems NOT from MY actions, but from the 'cycle' of abuses inflicted on THEM. I have a deep confidence in my ability to love and understand and forgive those that have hurt me in order to free myself of the negative effects and subsequent perpetration of abuses onto MY children.

BUT:

There's a dynamic in play in my 17-year marriage that has been not healthy for me. I am summarily dismissed on every emotional and mental level, have been completely disrespected in front of MY family MANY times, and told I was crazy (yes, literally) for having issues stemming from such treatment. 

I'm constantly made to feel as thought I can't take care of anything in the house "right" so he does it *all* (I quit trying and told him he could "have it"). He's a high-strung person, bent on perfection and sulls up and won't talk when he's stressed. My time on the computer at home is ZERO because he feels like I'm ignoring HIM when I'm on it so I have allowed that to keep me from playing games, answering emails or just surfing. He gets irritated when I talk to anyone on the phone - EVEN MY NEW-FOUND BROTHER WHO IS TEN MONTHS YOUNGER THAN ME I FINALLY MET LAST YEAR. During any trips we've taken that were family trips involving MY family he sulks and gripes and scowls and makes it unbearable for me (*two trips* last year, one with my new brother and our families and the first visit in 3 years with *my family* at Christmas. As for our home; I wasn't allowed input into the decor and my ONE request NOT to make everything different shades of brown was completely ignored - you feel what I'm saying here?

It's his family, also, that have proven (in action, not words) that my well-being is NOT as important as it is to simply act like nothing's wrong in the first place. I have seen now, on so many levels that this family can not, will not and refuse to learn how to deal with their problems and resulting abuse stemming from their need to COVER UP any indication to the "outside world" and/or deny to THEMSELVES that there is, in fact, something ROTTEN in Denmark.

I've been trying for 14 YEARS to address it. My husband - while he is a wonderful, intelligent, amazing, loving person on a day-to-day basis - has a true inability to understand how his actions during conflict are ALL tied together in a way that systematically assassinates tiny pieces of me. 

I learned VERY early on that if I try and deal with him during a fight he gets ugly. Insults. Name calling. Ridicule. I fight about what we're fighting over, but he'll bring up stuff from way back...

I quickly adopted a different approach. For the last 14 years, I've gone to him, rationally, logically and without emotion or accusations to try to voice my concerns, but there's never been a way to make him SEE or understand what I'm trying to say.....and EV-ER-Y ONE of these discussions ends the SAME EXACT WAY - with him telling me it's all _*my*_ perceptions that are horribly wrong because I was abused as a child and cant recognize true love for what it is and that I can not accept love or see that I'm adored and worshipped....

The "battle" I'm facing is not letting him make me doubt MY feelings in regards to HIS treatment of me and the kids by LETTING the issue drop with the same ending as every time before. It's hard to stand up for myself when *he* and his parents have all told me, over and over again, that it's ME that isn't right in the head/not seeing things clearly/off my rocker/wrong/depressed/in need of help......

This is a cycle we have gone through over and over and over again. I'm so exhausted and frankly, I'm already so emotionally detached from him it's not funny. 

If you judge me for this next part, don't even bother trying to reply. I will not accept any more accusations or guilt trips. I have accepted my OWN errors and am realizing that my own pain with my situation has driven me to become a person I SWORE I never would be.

Here goes:

I have allowed myself to use drugs and alcohol to numb my pain. I THOUGHT (truly) that we were going out and having fun again together, but 20/20 vision hindsight tells me I am using because I can't stand my feelings without them.

I have allowed my relationship with my kids to falter (not totally) but I don't relate to them as well as I used to. He likes them out-of-sight-out-of-mind like his mother did, but my raising was very affectionate with my mother and I never felt like she didn't' want me around. My kids know they can come to me for anything, but they avoid being around him because he's usually grumpy.

In the last 3 years, I have had 3 separate affairs...looking for understanding and intimacy. I know it's not the answer, and I never DECIDE that's what I'm going to do....but I find myself doing it, and I end it and then it starts all over again with the cycle.

He found out about the last one. He confronted me and we spent days talking and talking and talking about the same thing over and over - the fact that my hurts and true needs for intimacy have been overlooked, ignored, dismissed and ridiculed - WHEN I'M HURT by him. As I said, the day-to-day is seemingly perfect and it's only when I am REALLY in need of his understanding and support and comfort that he's not there for me. (For example: the first time he ever truly hurt me, it took me SEVEN years to get him to a)hear me without getting defensive and telling me I was imagining it and b)a sincere apology, not ending with a "...but I don't think it was that bad."

Recently, I visited an old friend's mother (hadn't seen her in 21 years) and found comfort there in her home for a few hours, I mean it. It's been a very long time since I've been in my own home, his family's home, or my family's home and felt that at ease. I remember now what it's like to be around people who CARE about your well being. I have been convinced for so long that I'm so needy and damaged that it's ME who can't feel it. Now I realize I choose to be numb because I'm tired of hurting and being alone in seeking a solution.

That pushed me to a breaking point. I told him I was done. I told him the patterns and the cycle were too apparent to me to ignore and I was DONE. We spent 5 days talking and talking and talking. This time, I think he MIGHT have finally heard me....BUT int the beginning, he swore he'd do ANYTHING to make this work. I finally told him we both needed individual and couples counseling. He agreed...but as the talks and the days wore on...now it's only ME that can go for counseling if I still feel the need. He's saying that we can find our answers on our own and he doesn't feel like it's necessary. I'm angry at being "talked out of" my demands and needs ONCE AGAIN.

*But here's the problem:* I have a 'thing' that happens in my being when I've been pushed too far. Once I get hurt one too many times, I shut the door. I feel like that door is shut. I don't believe that he can change his basic personality (it's not so often this happens, but it's MAJOR when it does) no more than I can change the core of my own being.

*How do I KNOW, for sure, that my feelings are to the point I don't want to try anymore?* I ask because we have 4 kids, a relatively "perfect" day-to-day routine and a beautiful home...but I don't want to waste ANY more of MY life in a toxic relationship.

I love him. I do. But...I don't trust him. This feels like the beginning stages of another cycle. I get all relaxed and thinking that everything's great...but once we face a conflict or I face a life issue that I need him....he's not there.

How can I tell if he's really changing this time? 

How can I tell if it's right for me to walk away?

And if I am leaving, how do I look at him and tell him that it's just not enough....when I know he loves me to the best of his ability? I know he sounds like a monster here, but he's really NOT....I promise you. I feel like someone else could appreciate him and make him happy and maybe not need so much in the emotional department like I do????

How do I know?


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I dated someone like him long time ago...
thankfully I had enough sense to leave him and "NOT" marry him.

It's my opinion, your not going to change him so you either tolerate it or you leave him.
He is the kind of guy who back 100 years ago would run off and leave the family, actually I bet he didn't run off but the wife snapped one day and had to bury him in the vegetable garden.

Leave if your running out of patience, DNA is too good these days and you won't get away with it !
Its just not worth it....


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

Could you possibly separate for awhile and see how it goes? Maybe a little time and space with put things in perspective. You simply cant go on like this though. Its going to destroy one or both of you in the end.

Im sorry for your plight as you have both contributed to digging a rather large hole. Both of you need to decide if you have the love & strength to dig your way out again.

Either way, its going to be a long and difficult road.

I think you might benefit from some councelling, maybe individual to start, then as a couple if it seems like there might still be a light at the end of the tunnel.

Stay well


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## TabbyCat (Jun 13, 2009)

Okay, when I feel like I'm hitting a brick wall with another person or persons, I stop and stand back. I ask myself, is it me? I don't think so. Even if I can't see it, it might be me. I don't know. So what I do is inside myself is say, "okay, I'm going to read a self-help book that might give me some insight. I'm going to exercise (it really does help you to think straight & you can get your buzz the natural way). I'm going to be pleasant and make an effort to show my pleasantness in the tone of my voice. I said pleasant, not phoney! When faced with communicating I will THINK about how I would nomally respond, and change my typical respone just before uttering one word. Change it up. People think they can predict how you will respond, but they are going to be wrong, because you think before you speak. When I did this it made me feel stronger and more in control of my own feelings. This will stun people, and make them think, then they will start questioning themselves, and they might even compliment you silently inside. It changes the air, the whole atmosphere. It's a liberating feeling. You see the only person you can control is you. Even if what you are doing isn't wrong, it's not working, so change it up and see what happens.
I think this will help prove to yourself wether or not it's you, though it does sound like your husband likes to have control. Be strong.

I am a 42 year old woman. I've endured the incest, the drinking, the drugs. It's been a lot of years. The bottom line is, if you keep looking in the rearview mirror you will crash. I used to be plagued for decades with nightmares, and reliving the same crap EVERY single day of my life, until I stopped looking in the rearview mirror. I forgave, I didn't really forget, it's just something I don't think on everyday anymore. Those people aren't worth my time. Life goes by quickly and the people you really do love aren't here long enough.

I don't know if this helps, but if you try it I would be interested to know if the reaction was a positive for you.

Hang in there.


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## ddf72 (Jun 19, 2009)

TabbyCat said:


> I ask myself, is it me? I don't think so. Even if I can't see it, it might be me. I don't know. So what I do is inside myself is say, "okay, I'm going to read a self-help book that might give me some insight. I'm going to exercise (it really does help you to think straight & you can get your buzz the natural way). I'm going to be pleasant and make an effort to show my pleasantness in the tone of my voice. I said pleasant, not phoney! When faced with communicating I will THINK about how I would nomally respond, and change my typical respone just before uttering one word.


This is what I've done for the last fourteen years. I am now seriously considering ending the relationship. I appreciate everyone's advice. I am seeking counseling. His refusal to participate after I made it clear that I wanted us both to go for individual and couple's counseling after telling him this was my final attempt shows me that his 'love' is narcissistic and his 'control' is to cover up his own inability to accept any personal fault for my basic unhappiness with this marriage. 

To realize this hurts. I've spent 17 years making concessions, learning, growing, working to build a family and to realize that it's my anger that has driven me to self-destructive patterns is wholly devastating. I hope I come out of this with some semblance of my original being intact.


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