# examples of heavy lifting



## favoritemistake (Aug 30, 2012)

Please excuse me if this was asked/answered before. 

I would like for people to post examples of "heavy lifting". 

I understand the concept but would like specific examples if it's not too much trouble. 

Thank you.

PS... I am a BW


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

Heavy Lifting?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

for example

1. My WH confessed to his family
2. He quit a job he loved to get NC
3. He went to IC
4. He has done alot of reading both about affairs and self improvement
5. He has (for the most part) become open to conversation about the A though it is very difficult to give those answers. It is more difficult to receive those answers.
6. He has given up ALL privacy (with obvious exceptions). NO private passwords, emails or friendships. He is wHere he says he is at all times, when he says he will be there. 
7. He has to deal with my triggers as well as his own.

those are just a few


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

favoritemistake said:


> Please excuse me if this was asked/answered before.
> 
> I would like for people to post examples of "heavy lifting".
> 
> ...


The sad fact is that there are no foolproof signs of heavy lifting and sadly a faithful spouse can become lulled into a false sense of security when the spouse shows all the signs of heavy lifting advised by a counselor. Some strayers learn how to stray by talking to a counselor or reading about how others got caught. 

A straying spouse can do all the right things simply to throw the faithful half off the scent of the straying. That is what I did. It is really easy to find non traceable ways to stay in touch with a lover, if a person is determined to do so.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

remorseful strayer said:


> The sad fact is that there are no foolproof signs of heavy lifting and sadly a faithful spouse can become lulled into a false sense of security when the spouse shows all the signs of heavy lifting advised by a counselor. Some strayers learn how to stray by talking to a counselor or reading about how others got caught.
> 
> A straying spouse can do all the right things simply to throw the faithful half off the scent of the straying. That is what I did. It is really easy to find non traceable ways to stay in touch with a lover, if a person is determined to do so.


I dont think that was the question at all. I think the question is what should he be doing. Not is it proof of anything. Strayer, we all understand that there Is NO proof of fidelity from a cheater ever again.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

remorseful strayer said:


> Maam:
> 
> Please do not respond to my posts. It seems you are following me from thread to thread commenting on my comments in a way that consistently attempts to negate them. Please stop.
> The poster asked for specific examples and the fact that there are no really specific examples is an important point.


Youre saying there are NO examples of heavy lifting??? Is that what you are saying? and Im not following you around sir, Ive been here a hell of a lot longer than you. If you look in the other thread that you posted on without having read it, obviously, you will see that.

and if you dont like my responses you are free to hit your ignore button.


OP- care to share your story?


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

Some examples are...

Tranparency
Open to talking about the A with getting defensive
Answers questions without trouble
Remorseful..sorry
willing to do and does IC and MC
Deals with your triggers in a compassionate and understanding way
One I like that my wife does, is she asks me many times throughout the day "how are you doing?" she will probe to see if I need to talk.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

betrayed1 said:


> Some examples are...
> 
> Tranparency
> Open to talking about the A with getting defensive
> ...



The one issue my spouse balks on is independent counseling.....he would prefer joint where I want to him to go to individual. *sigh*---


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

favoritemistake said:


> Please excuse me if this was asked/answered before.
> 
> I would like for people to post examples of "heavy lifting".
> 
> ...


In my opinion, the best example of a remorseful spouse doing heavy lifting is a person who acts the part rather than speaks the part. 

Actions speak mega volumes, and words mean nothing. 

Call him unexpectedly at lunch time. Put a tracker on his phone and car to ensure as much as possible that he is where he says. If in doubt, drop into his office unexpectedly. If he's out late do the same. Sadly it's a horrible way to live, I know, but words alone do not mean much. It's their actions and behaviors. 

Maybe that is what heavy lifting means. It means physical acts rather than easy verbal acts.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Along the lines of 'actions not words'--have sex and enjoy it.

As a BW, you may or may not be able to relate, but I'm frankly so sad to read how many people go through reconciliation, and particular where betrayed husbands are concerned--their wives were willing to give it up, sometimes with multiple men, and then they become (sorry for the strong perjorative language) frigid prudes around their loyal husbands who they supposedly want to win back.

I'm a woman and of course this can go both ways--that is something my husband and I had to work on as we reconciled (he betrayed me, albeit emotionally). I had expected him to want to have sex, and lots of it, once we were healing, but that turned out not to be the case, and boy was it painful (things are getting better).

Men really feel love through sex, it is something a lot of women need to learn. Of course, there is the issue of sex causing triggers for the husband, if his wife was physically unfaithful. But obviously having _less_ sex is not the answer, and will ultimately cause any efforts at reconciliation to tank.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> Along the lines of 'actions not words'--have sex and enjoy it.
> 
> As a BW, you may or may not be able to relate, but I'm frankly so sad to read how many people go through reconciliation, and particular where betrayed husbands are concerned--their wives were willing to give it up, sometimes with multiple men, and then they become (sorry for the strong perjorative language) frigid prudes around their loyal husbands who they supposedly want to win back.
> 
> ...


Great message in every way. It is likely normal to avoid sex initially for various reasons like guilt, fear you will be repulsed by him, etc. in your husbands case perhaps, I heart, but if that goes on too long it needs to change for obvious reasons.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

remorseful strayer said:


> In my opinion, the best example of a remorseful spouse doing heavy lifting is a person who acts the part rather than speaks the part.
> 
> Actions speak mega volumes, and words mean nothing.
> 
> ...


agree a million times with this.

Remember, cheaters are liars. Words mean nothing after an affair. Look at actions. If they really mean what they "say", they will do it without much fuss, complaining, whining or defensiveness. Whether that's IC, no contact, or divulging any and all details the BS needs to move on. 

If anything during R is met with resistance from the WS, beware of a false R. True remorse doesn't have resistance towards helping the BS completely heal.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

If anything during R is met with resistance from the WS, beware of a false R. True remorse doesn't have resistance towards helping the BS completely heal.[/QUOTE]


How do you know if it's resistance because of false recovery (still in affair on some level)or just because they don't want to do the hard work? Or face their shame?


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

daggeredheart said:


> How do you know if it's resistance because of false recovery (still in affair on some level)or just because they don't want to do the hard work? Or face their shame?


You don't. But read many of the truly remorseful WS on this site. They don't resist anything that is needed to help the BS heal.

Any of those reasons will lead to false R. It may take years, but if the WS doesn't want to face themselves, or do the hard work, you can't expect the marriage to survive. False R isn't just continuing the affair...


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

vi_bride04 said:


> You don't. But read many of the truly remorseful WS on this site. They don't resist anything that is needed to help the BS heal.
> 
> Any of those reasons will lead to false R. It may take years, but if the WS doesn't want to face themselves, or do the hard work, you can't expect the marriage to survive. False R isn't just continuing the affair...


Yep, what vbride said. 

Any resistance shows a stubborn streak and stubborness is often born of a lack of remorse or perhaps a feeling of victimhood or enititlement or some other affair inciting issue, on the part of the straying spouse. The strayers own guilt or shame should not prevent the strayer from doing the things Vbride mentioned.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If a WS is doing the 'heavy lifting', everything they do will prove it. Like someone said, it's what they DO, not what they say, but it's also about HOW they do it. For example, my husband got rid of the couch he got the blow job on. Not after I insisted, but after I just told him I couldn't be in the same room as it. He immediately put it up for sale for cheap so it would go fast, he did not make one peep of protest, and he has never brought it up again.

Other examples:
- he is very engaged in MC
- he is very engaged in our weekly 'marriage workshop' nights
- he answers every one of my questions willingly - I don't have to pry answers out
- he is sincerely and repeatedly apologetic
- he voluntarily gives up things that trigger me
- he actively helps me when I do trigger


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> If a WS is doing the 'heavy lifting', everything they do will prove it. Like someone said, it's what they DO, not what they say, but it's also about HOW they do it. For example, my husband got rid of the couch he got the blow job on. Not after I insisted, but after I just told him I couldn't be in the same room as it. He immediately put it up for sale for cheap so it would go fast, he did not make one peep of protest, and he has never brought it up again.
> 
> Other examples:
> - he is very engaged in MC
> ...


Yeah. Thats true. My H threw away a bunch of shirts b/c they had her college logo/name on them w/o my asking him to do so. He pitched the ring we bought during his A because everytime I saw it all I could think about was "you were in the middle of an A and bought a new wedding ring????" so he threw it away. Straight to the trash. Put the old one back on.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> If a WS is doing the 'heavy lifting', everything they do will prove it. Like someone said, it's what they DO, not what they say, but it's also about HOW they do it. For example, my husband got rid of the couch he got the blow job on. Not after I insisted, but after I just told him I couldn't be in the same room as it. He immediately put it up for sale for cheap so it would go fast, he did not make one peep of protest, and he has never brought it up again.
> 
> Other examples:
> - he is very engaged in MC
> ...


GREAT EXAMPLES!!!!

You barely had to nudge him...just mention it made you uncomfortable and BOOM! He does what he should. Doesn't say anything, just does and with no resistance what so ever.

In my false R I had to beg him to get rid of items she bought him. BEG. He never did. I just threw them out one day...and he was mad about it....


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Depressing for me because of the realization that I'm doomed. My spouse only wants to do joint counseling now--says he doesn't need to work on himself- only the marriage. In fact he turned it around and said.."you're saying I'm broken and not good enough for you, I'll never live up to your expectations and what if you don't like me after I do all this personal growth?" He sees no point in working on himself.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

daggeredheart said:


> Depressing for me because of the realization that I'm doomed. My spouse only wants to do joint counseling now--says he doesn't need to work on himself- only the marriage. In fact he turned it around and said.."you're saying I'm broken and not good enough for you, I'll never live up to your expectations and what if you don't like me after I do all this personal growth?" He sees no point in working on himself.


Well, heres an idea- take him up on that MC. OFten times the MC will recommend IC for one or both....Then see what he says when an expert recommends it.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Well, heres an idea- take him up on that MC. OFten times the MC will recommend IC for one or both....Then see what he says when an expert recommends it.


Yes, for some people, hearing it from a pro vs their spouse makes a world of difference.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

We are in Mc and have been since Feb (dday)....and felt we were at a point where he need to explore some internal issues as to why he cheated. As our Mc said....a marriage can be vulnerable to a affair but the person who cheated is the problem, blaming the marriage issues is trying to avoid personal responsibility. 

He doesn't want to do IC- he thinks we are "all fixed" because I am meeting all his needs(surface ones) yet he can't see that I'm starving on my end.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

daggeredheart said:


> We are in Mc and have been since Feb (dday)....and felt we were at a point where he need to explore some internal issues as to why he cheated. As our Mc said....a marriage can be vulnerable to a affair but the person who cheated is the problem, blaming the marriage issues is trying to avoid personal responsibility.
> 
> He doesn't want to do IC- he thinks we are "all fixed" because I am meeting all his needs(surface ones) yet he can't see that I'm starving on my end.


well you can make IC a condition of R if you feel he really needs it.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

daggeredheart said:


> Depressing for me because of the realization that I'm doomed. My spouse only wants to do joint counseling now--says he doesn't need to work on himself- only the marriage. In fact he turned it around and said.."you're saying I'm broken and not good enough for you, I'll never live up to your expectations and what if you don't like me after I do all this personal growth?" He sees no point in working on himself.


Sounds like he is afraid you may decide to eventually divorce him. That is immature and self focused. 

He may come around though if you bring him to the right counselor.

BTW: The marriage counselor or psychiatric professional you choose, should have a good solid marriage. He/she should not bring personal issues of straying into the mix. So, question the person about their personal stuff and qualifications to counsel people in crisis about their marriage. A good counselor will realize working with couple involved in an affair crisis could trigger his/her own issues and lead to inadvertently seeming to take sides or even actually taking sides, if either the counselor or the counselors spouse strayed.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

daggeredheart said:


> He doesn't want to do IC- he thinks we are "all fixed" because I am meeting all his needs(surface ones) yet he can't see that I'm starving on my end.


This struck such a chord with me.

My stbxh said the same things to me. He was emotionally satisfied, it didn't matter if i was. And he REFUSED IC stating he fixed himself and worked on himself enough. (even though he was in the midst of an EA 5 years after the first PA)

Yeah, fixed all right....


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

I read this article a few minutes ago and it hit me......

In marriage, losing is letting go of the need to fix everything for your partner, listening to their darkest parts with a heart ache rather than a solution. It’s being even more present in the painful moments than in the good times. It’s finding ways to be humble and open, even when everything in you says that you’re right and they are wrong. It’s doing what is right and good for your spouse, even when big things need to be sacrificed, like a job, or a relationship, or an ego. It is forgiveness, quickly and voluntarily. It is eliminating anything from your life, even the things you love, if they are keeping you from attending, caring, and serving. It is seeking peace by accepting the healthy but crazy-making things about your partner because, you remember, those were the things you fell in love with in the first place. It is knowing that your spouse will never fully understand you, will never truly love you unconditionally—because they are a broken creature, too—and loving them to the end anyway.


Maybe the reality is we actually do the heavy lifting when we decide to stay?


http://drkellyflanagan.com/2012/03/02/marriage-is-for-losers/


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

daggeredheart said:


> Maybe the reality is we actually do the heavy lifting when we decide to stay?


I've never felt like I've been the one to do the heavy lifting. If I felt that way I don't think I'd be with him.


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## megmg (Sep 30, 2012)

Iheart agree - i was the betrayer and if having sex is the best way to convince W that i want to be with her then would do it 10 times day, best thing is i want to have sex with her 10 times a day....if thats heavy lifting then i'm prepared to lift..there is no resistance ..


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## favoritemistake (Aug 30, 2012)

Thank you for your replies.

I posted my story months back but then deleted it. 

I do not want to get into details too much. Together 23 years married 20. I am SAHM. Husband left me for 18 months in year 6 (my children were very young at the time) because he felt he wasn't ready for marriage (I was his first). A lot of hostility for me and very, very ugly things said that changed my life. Rug swept when he came back...happy to have him home so none of the ugliness was dealt with, no real resolution. Pushed it down and lived in fear of the other shoe. Other shoe finally dropped in 2009 when H confessed to ONS...DD1. He was worried about his health and had to tell me. We focused in his health anxiety, I forgave and pushed it down. 11/2011 DD 2. I found evidence of affair. DD1 was a watered down version....complete fabrication really. He was having a 3 year PA with much younger, much more attractive woman. There were no feelings just hook-ups, she accomidated him about half the time he called on her. NSA sex. She knew he was married and she is not attached (she is actually a part time escort but met him at her day job and fancied him...they do not work together). 

He has been doing many, many of the things mentioned. I do believe he is remorseful. I have chosen to R. My reasons are my own but I do love him and always have. He will be the one to leave and if there is cheating again I will walk. 

Anyway, I find myself very depressed...a consequence perhaps of my decision to R. I have put myself in a real rut by not having a life outside of my family. I have been resistant to anti-depressants but I may need to reconsider as I am really stuck and doing nothing to better my life which isnt good for me or my marriage. 

We are in MC and I am in IC.

Thanks again.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

wow Thanks for sharing that. I am sorry you've been thru all of that. can you tell us what he IS doing on these lists and what he is NOT?


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

favoritemistake said:


> Thank you for your replies.
> 
> I posted my story months back but then deleted it.
> 
> ...


In my opinion it's a good sign that it was long physical affair rather than an emotional affair. It's usually a women who will put up with a long emotional affair because they are in love and a man typically wants a sexual affair. The fact that it was physical to my mind is a good sign. To my mind you can believe that he loves you and was just scratching a sexual itch. Sick I know, but I do think more typically men can compartmentalize that way and have sex without love. There are always exceptions, but in your case, it does ring true that your husband was just in it for the sex


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> wow Thanks for sharing that. I am sorry you've been thru all of that. *can you tell us what he IS doing on these lists and what he is NOT?*


:iagree:


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Heavy lifting = helping to repair the damage. And is done from both sides of the wreckage. I would suppose it could come in any number of forms. The more it comes from the heart and less from prescription or edict, the better.

Edit: reaching in with both hands to repair the damage.


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## N_chanted (Nov 11, 2012)

daggeredheart said:


> The one issue my spouse balks on is independent counseling.....he would prefer joint where I want to him to go to individual. *sigh*---


The few times we went to counseling, WH insisted on joint. I really thought he needed IC. And i felt that joint counseling was a joke, because all he did was LIE. it was infuriating.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

BrokenHearted_kitten said:


> The few times we went to counseling, WH insisted on joint. I really thought he needed IC. And i felt that joint counseling was a joke, because all he did was LIE. it was infuriating.


A good counselor should ferret that out and squelch it. Counseling + Lying = waste of money and time plus more damage done. I've been there.


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## N_chanted (Nov 11, 2012)

Harken Banks said:


> A good counselor should ferret that out and squelch it. Counseling + Lying = waste of money and time plus more damage done. I've been there.


I totally agree with this. after 4 or 5 sessions, we were 1/2 done with what turned out to be our last visit, and i got up, told the counselor that i just could not sit there and listen to his lies over and over, while he acted so innocent. I walked out. 

End of MC.


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