# broken and alone



## hmm (Aug 23, 2010)

I've been reading posts everyday for a few weeks now and I thought maybe someone could help me. I caught my h having an ea a little over a month ago with a girl at work( I know surprise right) they were texting pretty heavy for about a month probably started longer than that.
When I confronted him he admitted to it said that he would stop to save our family and he also admitted that he loved me but that his feelings have changed. Needless to say I was devastated and still am, ok here's the sad part my h was amazed at how upset I was.he felt like I didn't need him and she tells him how perfect he is and how good she will treat him etc. Let me fill some background I have been with my h for 20 years since I was 16 and we have been married for 13 we have 9 yrs. Old twins and we both work full time so needless to say we are busy and yes since I've found out I've really done some soul searching and I realize that we started taking each other for granted and so I can see how this girl could have eased her way in to the picture. I feel like we have been trying to save our marriage. I feel like maybe I'm working little harder at it then him. I know that my h is very unhappy at where he is in his career and he has some other issues I'm pretty sure he is suffering from depression and think it has been going on for about 6-8 mos. He even admits that he is being self destructive and that he doesn't understand why he's doing
With what he's doing. So yesterday since now I have a ton of trust issues I found this girl on my space and her status is "I haven't been in love in awhile, but I'm so f'in in love I can't stand it I love you h(name) so of course I freak out and I change his fb password and found that on august 13 he sent her a message " can't stop thinking about you babe, besos" when he got home from work I freaked a little and told him he had to leave begged him to set me free and stop hurting me. Here's the kicker he doesn't want to leave I'm crying he's crying he wants to be with me he's working hard to get his head out of the clouds.
I told him he has to end all contact with ow quit his job whatever it takes and he needs to fight for me. I don't if I can get past the message he sent her that message was sent 24 days after I found out initially I've cried and suffered every single day. Do I stay or do I go. He has never seen me like this before I think he knows I've had it. Please some advise sorry this is so long. Thank you for reading
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## i_feel_broken (Jul 5, 2010)

hi there hmm.

I'm so so sorry to hear about your painful finding. There is not a huge amount positive to say about what he has done but there is one crucial factor. He is crying and wanting to be with you - he is showing some willing to still be in the marriage.

I have been in your position with the difference being my wife's 'EA' had been going almost 2 years so was harder to break. I have put EA in inverted commas because this is what she had me believe for a long time. I don't know enough about your situation to say for sure but you should probably prepare your self for two things. This has probably gone on for longer than you think (would they really be supposedly madly in love after a month). Also it may well have been physical. You may never know but after 3 months my wife decided to tell me the real truth.

What is crucial at this point is that he has no more contact with this woman. none. My wife has now left me for the 4th time in 4 months and this time it is final. Each time she came back she said she would have no contact with him but she worked with him and she now admits that every phone call, email, text had an effect on her as she was missing him. I did not insist she leave her job until the last time and it became clear by then she was not willing to do it. He will be scared about leaving his job - who wouldn't - but if he doesn't end all contact with her you you will not be able to stop this. Of that I am certain.

I wish you all the luck in the world. These things happen, people make mistakes and I'm sure I could have forgiven my wife if she showed me any sign of commitment, regret, effort on the marriage. If he quits OW and shows you signs I'm sure you will get past this


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## hmm (Aug 23, 2010)

i_feel_broken said:


> hi there hmm.
> 
> I'm so so sorry to hear about your painful finding. There is not a huge amount positive to say about what he has done but there is one crucial factor. He is crying and wanting to be with you - he is showing some willing to still be in the marriage.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_thank you for taking the time to read my post and I'm also very sorry for the pain that has been inflicted on you. I realize that if he doesn't leave his job that this will never end. But is it naïve of me to think that my h the man that I have dedicated my life should choose me? see my h had awful child hood and as I stated before we have been togehter since we were teenagers I have been the only person that has always stood at his side No matter what. I don't know if its possible to over come this betrayal I love him truly and deeply. But me loving him is not enough for me.


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## hmm (Aug 23, 2010)

Well my h quit his job yesterday. I didn't think he was going to he was finding reasons to stay the thought of him being there with the ow is just to much for me. We have a lot to work on. right now I'm so destroyed I just feel hurt and pain every minute of everyday. I can't stop thinking about him choosing someone that was not me!! He says he will do anything to make it right for us. But he has lied and betrayed our marriage, is it really ever possible to have that blind trust ever again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

hmm said:


> But he has lied and betrayed our marriage, is it really ever possible to have that blind trust ever again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, it is not and that is a good thing. 

Why would you want to trust someone blindly? Especially now that you know of his frailties.

People like to think that a marriage should have unconditional love, automatic trust.

Actually, there are conditions in a marriage--we spell them out in the marriage vow. Trust is earned.

I am sorry you are experiencing this disillusionment. But in the end it is healthy to not be so unquestioning in life.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

hmm said:


> is it really ever possible to have that blind trust ever again.


Blind Trust? Probably not. But with time the trust does come back but it will never be quite the same as you have been betrayed. Sometimes it takes months or even years but it can return. Your husband has taken a huge step in a positive direction but be prepared he may become depressed or withdrawn as he gets passed her. This is normal. He may even stub his toe and try to contact her again. Make sure he understands your boundaries and that you try and understand what he is going through now. With work and effort he can turn to you again as his emotional center, best friend and wife. If he has broken contact you can now concentrate on yourselves as a couple and not her. Good luck.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

hmm,
Sorry for all the pain you are going through right now in your life, I know from experience what that feels like.....
This is a slow process, so don't expect anything, don't trust until you feel safe however long that takes......
I know myself what kind of pressure you feel from every angle of your life now......What to do.....how do you make it all right again, well the truth is you can't change the past, whatever happened, happened.......but you can decide to try to make a new normal for the two of you, your husband is willing to do anything, quitting his job shows you he is trying to mend what he has broken.....
In no way do you blame yourself for this or anything you did, this is about your husband and his inability to keep his word and promise he made to you, that is his weakness.....
Be the best woman you can be, live the best life you can.....you are worth the best and this might be your opportunity to get this......look at this long term and as an eye opener to your marriage......work at both being happy.......
stay calm, don't do anything without thinking it through, come here to vent and help with your life plan.....
First move is to get the OW out of your husband's life, NO CONTACT means nothing for any reason........
Remember when you make a choice in how your life will be, you are doing it for you and your future and once you make that choice you have to put 100% into that or it won't work......
Hopefully things will get better soon, it's sort of like a death.....the process that goes with that, there is like 5 stages you go through to get to recovery.........
good luck


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## hmm (Aug 23, 2010)

So I have a update.. since my husband quit his job last week he spent friday and saturday hanging out with his friends, friday he had our kids and saturday he got them a sitter while I was at work. Which is fine whatever.. I know my insecurity at this point are mine and I need to deal.
Saturday evening as we are on the couch together his phone went off he thought it was a friend and had no problem pulling it out to look well I see there is a text and I say u have a text so he goes to that screen and turns the phone from me and low and behold it is from the ow a message that she misses him he immediately tried to delete it. But that pissed me off too. Full disclosure means full disclosure!! Anyways our daughter was home so I just went to our room he followed and we finally had our first real discussion of how this happened.
he went on and on about how our life just got into a routine since around jan and I wasn't paying him enough attention, he figured I was just there because we were like roommates etc. Etc. Also he kept making these comments about me wanting him to
Be someone he's not that I expect him to be the guy he was 10 years ago at this point I tell him I have no idea what he's talking about its like he has eveything worked out in his head about how I feel and don't feel and no matter what I say he's already convinced, its just crazy to me.
Okay I agree with some of what
he was saying we did both just go about our days I can see we probably got into a rut with just working and taking care of the kids but hey this is a two way street he acts like every minute of the last 8 months of our life has sucked and that's not true(and I really think he blames mostly me at least that's how it sounded). Me I'm guessing this is how he is rationalizing falling for another girl. 
So back to this ow I told him I was going to contact her and tell her to stop contacting MY HUSBAND!!! He wants me to let him handle it. He is going to just ignore her texts and calls until she goes away. Please give me advise should I wait a couple of weeks and if she is still calling then should I call her? He says there is no reason to get confrontational is he serious? I'm fighting for my life.
Also everytime we have any type of small breakthrough or good time together the next day he is very standoffish so yesterday he basically ignored me all day. Slept on the couch most of the night came to bed early this morning and snuggled really tight with me. It was nice so I comment to him that I was cold all night until he came to bed and that when he snuggled me it warmed me up and he says yeah I was cold when I came to bed so I say oh is that the only reason u snuggled me and he says yeah. ( Okay could of been joking I'm not sure) just him being hot and cold to me is very hard for me to deal with not sure how long this can last
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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

hmm: this OW is not going to leave your H alone until he follows a well trodden break the affair route.

As for the OW and her texting him. “He wants me to let him handle it”------ absolutely not, he is the weak link in the chain. You do this together.

Has he actually told her it is over in writing? If not samples letters below:

Sample No Contact Letters


Is she married or in a relationship elsewhere, if so they must be told. 

For your H to be in the marriage he has to be fully committed to you, anything else tells you he is playing with your emotions and hers as well. 

There are no secrets, no hidden messages, change his mobile number if he cannot stop reading the text messages. He only has to read one to start all over again. 

Your marriage will recover only if he fully commits to the steps required to regain your trust. 

Try this site for reading material 

AffairCare Home


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## hmm (Aug 23, 2010)

Well its been about 3 weeks since h left his job and as far as I know it has been 3 weeks since he has spoken to or seen the ow ( she did try to contact on 2 occasions. But was ignored and has not contacted in about 1 and half weeks now) 
I wish I could say we are making progress but alas I don't think we are I'm totally in limbo while he is going through his adjustments. He is very hot and cold. I feel like he is just done and is sticking around for what? God only knows we talk but not really about anything. Its tough I got a couple of numbers today for some counselors gonna bring it up tonite when I get home from work. Wish me luck I don't know how much more of the cold shoulder I can take I feel like I live with a complete stranger and I'm doing all of the trying I just need to find the strength to carry on!!!
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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Hang in there, if he does his part you will recover.


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## hmm (Aug 23, 2010)

I don't think we are going to make it! We went to have a couple of drinks tonite and it already felt a little emotional some of the comments he was making right after my second drink I felt it was time to go he went to the restroom and I felt he was in there for a couple of minutes to long he came out shaking his head alittle I knew something was wrong when we got outside he told me the ow called his phone but didn't leave a message. This is supposedly the first time in a month that she has tried to call him. 
Okay I handled it badly. But not at first I said somethings I can't remember exactly but the jist of it was that I wanted him to hand me his phone when we got home and let me call her ( I have never contacted her yet) and tell her to stop trying to contact my h. He refused so then I told him to call in front of me and tell her to stop calling him. He refused! And then that's whe things got ugly on part!!! I'm so pissed off!!!
My h tells me he is giving us everything he's got. Its a lie!!! I can feel him holding back. He basically told me his pride is more important then me. You see that's why he wouldn't give me his phone because he didn't want the call to look like he's lettuing his w call her!!
I told him last night I forgive him for everything it actually felt quite liberating! its crazy I'm the victim of this crap! And I'm the one doing the forgiving and apologizing.
Also towards the end he was going to leave. He keeps telling me if you want me to leave I will. You see I think in his head if I make him leave then I'm the one that wanted things to be over. I do want this to be over! I want to move on with my life but he doesn't know what he wants. He knows he's supposed to be with me and the kids but he doesn't want to be here. I wish there was a magic button that could make all of this go away!! Its been 9 weeks and it doesn't feel like anything is getting betterm
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## holdingtwenty (Jul 28, 2010)

I read your entire posts and it sounds to me like he is being immature. He trying to do damage control on both ends (yours and the ow). If he is serious about breaking off with the ow, then he should make the call in front of you. 

Both of you need to go to counseling. Did he ever say he would go to counseling? I am not a therapist but it seems as if his hot and cold spells towards you may be because he is torn between you and the ow. If she continues to call him insist he get an order of protection against her, preventing her from calling him. See what he says about that. He needs to realize the pain he caused you and if you feel he hasn't, then you will never get over this together. 

Good luck and all I can say is get professional help together.


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## anonymus (Sep 21, 2010)

Ur situation is a little like mine. My husband was (is) having an emotional affair through FB. And they call each other occasionally. He refuses to let her go completely and I see their status updates. They are busy passing comments to each other. Dont know what else they cjat about in private.


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## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

His head is still somewhat in the clouds and he is still a bit in two places. In my own situation where my wife had the affair on me, it was about 2 to 3 months before she really effected 'no contact'. At first she was blatant about it, then she would claim she had but really be hiding it. Then hiding it better. 

I know the pain and hurt you are going through. And yes he does need to very much so put a complete end to it, no contact. But I just want to say that there is hope. Just because he is dragging his heels ... doesn't mean he won't finally get there. He has been giving you at least SOME effort (in fact from reading your posts I would say you get or at least were getting good effort at some point/points) and that is something to build upon. 

I can say this ... 9 months later my marriage has not only survived it, it is thriving. We are doing great and there is hope for you to get here too, if you are still willing to give it a try. That is the decision you have to make though. Are you willing to keep fighting for it, and is it worth it to you?


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## hmm (Aug 23, 2010)

holdingtwenty said:


> I read your entire posts and it sounds to me like he is being immature. He trying to do damage control on both ends (yours and the ow). If he is serious about breaking off with the ow, then he should make the call in front of you.
> 
> Both of you need to go to counseling. Did he ever say he would go to counseling? I am not a therapist but it seems as if his hot and cold spells towards you may be because he is torn between you and the ow. If she continues to call him insist he get an order of protection against her, preventing her from calling him. See what he says about that. He needs to realize the pain he caused you and if you feel he hasn't, then you will never get over this together.
> 
> Good luck and all I can say is get professional help together.


. 

Hi, holdingtwenty
I agree he is not only being selfish but also immature. I have been carrying arouind for two weeks a couple of numbers for some counselors and I'm absolutely terrified to call!! But today is the day. And yed my h said he would go to counseling. We will see
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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You need to be discussing this stuff. You can't just pretend it never happened.


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## LilBit35 (Sep 27, 2010)

Just know he will keep lying to you if you let him....he doesnt know how to let go of her! It sounds crazy but its not over til its over. If they have any contact it has not ended no matter were he works! My husband went 6 wks were he called her, text her and was WORKING on it with me....believe me he will be mad and sad and crazy and desperate....YOU will too it is not easy and you may even decided to take a breather and ask him to leave...I know your saying yeah right to let him do or see who ever he wants? Well he is doing it anyway there is nothing you can say or do that will change his mind unless you show him that you mean it! He will go through a withdrawl from her and you will think he has lost his dang on mind and he has its ok....he needs to grieve the loss of her and the loss of his marriage....he will have to deal with this and it is going to kill you....You will love him and hate him, want him to stay and want him to go just know that this is all normal...you will check his phone, his computer and you will question him but when he does turn around and tell you the truth it makes it easier to stop the crazy detective work.....My DDAY was 07212010 and he did not tell me the OW did and he did everything I have told you your husband will do and finally I said ENOUGH.....we are now seperated because I needed a breather...YES we are both commited but he knows that I mean it that there will be no more lies....there will be no more secrets or he will never come home...Be strong dont loose yourself.....


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## hmm (Aug 23, 2010)

Well I haven't posted in awhile and I found out this morning on my way to work that the ow is pregnant. And my h has been keeping it a secret he is on his way now to supposedly go pay for an abortion. I don't even know what to do I fEel like I'm living someone elses life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hi there, 
I'm so sorry for all the turmoil you must be feeling.......there are so many emotions for you to work through, I hope you have a couple of good friends or family members to talk this through with.......
The consquences of your husband's decisions are very difficult but not impossible.....
If you want to still work things out go slowly and try to understand each other, I'm sure he must be going through his own hell......
Be there for each other for now and try to just show compassion and understanding........
good luck


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## hmm (Aug 23, 2010)

I don't even know where to begin anymore. I'm so devastated by the obvious continuous lying we even started counseling. We have spent a ton of time together I financially supported him for the last 10 wks. I feel so used how could he keep making love to me and sleeping with me every single night knowing that he has gotten some skank pregnant he is with her right now! I need help I'm really struggling to keep my self together today.
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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Its propably to late, but next time he has to meet her you should go with him or he doesnt go.
No contact means no contact.
How did he find out shes pregnent? 
Do you even truely know that she is pregnent?


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## hmm (Aug 23, 2010)

My h is leaving tonite to stay at a motel for awhile. it has finally come to light that he has continued seeing her this whole time he would see her once a week while I'm at work supporting the family he says he can't live with him self anymore he needs time to clear his head and try to find his way back to me. And by the way Guy yes she was pregnant he took her yesterday to get the procedure done. I have never been without him in 20 yrs I'm so desperately heartbroken I could not begin to put it into words.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Time to tell his family what he has done; ask them to talk to him about their disappointment. Let them help you.


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## hmm (Aug 23, 2010)

turnera, 
He told his mother his self on Saturday. needless to say she was shocked and is really hurting for us. I have made it through the first night, my h left around 7pm and was texting me within 45 min. 
came back home about two hours after leaving to bring me something i did not even need last night and then sent me another text apologizing for not giving me the time to clear my thoughts . I guess I was not clear enough when all of this started about my boundaries really they are completely common sense you cant have a girlfriend and a wife.
So what is my next step? I know now that a no contact letter is extremely important. And I will be asking for that if he decides to come back to his family. everything is just so broken and confusing. How do I move forward?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You determine what YOU need in your life, and you move on that. Let him decide if he can be the one to provide it. But in the end, that is what you will strive for.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I would go NO CONTACT with your husband for a bit, you need time to think without him around.....
I know you are devastated, breathe and just make it through hour by hour, let your friends and family help you.....
Your husband needs to do some soul searching and that is up to him, you can't help him, let him feel what losing you is all about, lets see if the OW can meet all the needs you have met for 20 years....she won't and he will see the difference between a fantasy and a real life with a woman that really loves him....
This might take a bit of time so in the meantime take care of yourself and don't worry about what he is doing........
good luck


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## Newlife (Nov 8, 2010)

sorry for your pain. I left my ex the second I found out about his affair. Which he says was on an EA
He continued to do what it is was he was doing with her, and I was gone, out of the picture. No way I was going to stay and be the backdrop for his pathetic affair. 

It's good that he left to clear his head. No contact is the BEST way to get him to think about what he wants. 
In the meantime, take care of you. Don't beg, plead or get angry with him, it will only push him towards his OW
He's alone now and will feel lonely. Let him feel REALLY alone so he sees what life is like without you


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## hmm (Aug 23, 2010)

well i have made it through night number 2. I thank god for my children they truly are my salvation right now. My h was with our children while I worked yesterday evening and he left before I got home. I wish that I could shake off this grief so I could think but I cant see the sun through the clouds.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Study the signs of depression, so you can see it coming, and get help. Many people in your situation may need antidepressants for just a few months, to help them cope.


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## hmm (Aug 23, 2010)

my h called and wanted to take the kids and I out to dinner we were getting ready to watch a movie so he came and watched a movie with us. I kept seeing him stare at the kids and then he would stare at me. maybe he will really realize the damage he has caused our family.


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## hmm (Aug 23, 2010)

4 days since my husband has left I have seen him almost everyday, he has taken us to the movies one night out to dinner last night. We have held eachother tight every day. I have not asked him if he has spoken to the the ow. I just cant get the words out of my mouth. I know that we are going to have to speak soon about our fututre if we have a future if he thinks he can love me again the way he is supposed to, if I can possibly ever have faith in him again.
Every night at 5am I awake from my sleep with the most excrutiating heartache its like a ball of energy finds me and shoots into my chest. ( I pray that this stops soon) How much can one person take? although I have loved him for most of my life I dont know how much more of the deception and hurt that he has inflicted upon me I can take.
I tell myself daily that I can only control my own actions that I can only be the best me that I can be. Its amazing to me that my h would even consider choosing someone else over his family.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you told him again you want him to stop seeing OW? What did he say?


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## hmm (Aug 23, 2010)

I desperately need some good solid advise!
as I have posted above my h moved into a motel last sun. because i found out that he got her pregnant. It was time to take a break and figure out what the hell to do. he has been with the kids and me everysingle day during this time we had a really long talk on Friday nite and both decided he needed to stay another week. So that he has his mind cleared and can work through some of the guilt. Well when he was leaving us yesterday I started to cry and then the kids got a little upset.(its been very tough) My h and I texted jokes and things to eachother last night and then I receive a phone call around 10:30 from h and he doesnt say anything so i sat on the line for about 5 min talking to him with no answer so then I hung up and called back like 3 times and the ow answered the phone and said my h was in bed would I like to talk to him. Of course the phone hung up. ( she was mad she went through his phone and seen all of our texts)
So I headed over there ready to whip some tail and there she was my nemesis. I got one look at her and thought to my self this girl has been run over wet and hung out to dry. So of course being the classy lady Iam we talked she was very crass her language was pretty nasty and she let me know in details about all of the nasty sex they have had. She also told me that my h told her she is the love of his life etc etc etc I did geta couple of verbal jabs in though she was under the impression that we do not spend alot of quality time together that we dont make love and go out and do things together.(she was so shocked and pissed) I told her what do you expect I'm his WIFE she also told me that she has been staying in the motel room with him and that they were ending things, that he told her he wanted to come back to his wife and kids.
Ok so after she left and I stood there staring in my husbands eyes I was completely numb my questyions were like how could you carry on with this after everything that I have been through since July? and I cant even remember what else. But I do remember him saying to me that he wants to come back home and work on us. now that he finally has all the drama of her pregnancy taken care of. there is definetly more but I have not slept since yesterday. SO PLEASE I NEED ADVISE!!!! NOT SURE WHAT TO DO NOW!!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Did she have an abortion?


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## hmm (Aug 23, 2010)

turnera said:


> Did she have an abortion?


Yes I asked her
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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She is the love of his life and she had an abortion?

I'm sorry but it sounds really...off. Something is not adding up. Is he having trouble financially paying for both places? 

Please do not let him come home yet. If she's been staying with him there is NO reason for you to allow that. NONE.

Do you have a list of requirements made up yet that he has to do before he can come home? They will include him writing her a No Contact letter that YOU send; him giving you his phone and computer any time you ask so you can verify they are no longer in contact; some therapy to determine why he felt like he had the right to harm you; things like that. Have you discussed these things?


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## hmm (Aug 23, 2010)

Turnera,
Yes true love it sounds screwed up to me also been thinking about everything I've found out she also let me know that the day he quit his job they quit together so you see. He has not been honest for one moment. And for financials no he is not having a problem I've been paying for all of the household stuff he was off of work for like ten wks and just went back two weeks ago.I'm really grieving today its probably pretty close to the end for me. I took a leave of absence from work this week. To try to get myself together I used to be very strong and self assured now I'm looking for that again
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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

So....are you paying for his phone? His motel room? Anything that he uses?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

How did he afford a hotel if he quit his job?


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## hmm (Aug 23, 2010)

turnera said:


> How did he afford a hotel if he quit his job?


He got a profit sharing check from his previous job and the motel is pretty inexpensive
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hmm (Aug 23, 2010)

Tanelornpete said:


> So....are you paying for his phone? His motel room? Anything that he uses?


 yes I have been paying for our cell phones.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Anything you do to make life easier for him over there is enabling the affair, so...stop enabling the affair. End paying for his phone bill today. 

Cancel it. Let his girlfriend pay for it.


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## hmm (Aug 23, 2010)

oh believe me I will never pay another cell po\hpne bill for the rest of my life!!! (well maybe mine)


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## hmm (Aug 23, 2010)

So my h came by last night and we had a short conversation about what happened the other night. The crazy thing is he was admitting to me that he is very bitter and angry (is this the fog talking?)
I dont think he quite gets what he has done to me. he told his mom everything and she asked him what he was going to do and he said Im going home to my family and try to make my marriage work. And then he went on to tell her that he knows that I'm just trying to hold onto my family and once I have time to clear my head I will either hate him or myself for allowing him to put me through this. I'm not sure if I should let him come home I'm very hurt right now especially in light of all the new discoveries. I want to be fair to my kids they are really hurting right now. but can we work on it while he is not in our home? is being home the best place? My h has says he wants to get those "IN LOVE" feelings back everytime he says that I just cringe on the inside. I ask him do you ever think you will truly want me and he says I think so and I hope so and then I asked do you ever want me now and he says yes( so confusing) I have done all of the work up to this point. He gets defensive and says he has done work to(while he was carrying on an affair does that make sense?) I've really took the time to change some of my behaviors be more attentive etc. I really feel its his turn to really SEE me. Im not sure if its possible to move forward. Or if its possible to forgive.
We have counseling again in two weeks. that should be interesting.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Just take your time.


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## hmm (Aug 23, 2010)

So I was reading about the 180 today and some of the best practices really resonated with me for example" do not ask about the relationship let your ds bring it up" so my h came by tonight and we ended up going to dinner just the two of us. As we were sitting there he was staring at me and when I asked what he BROUGHT up our relationship he said he was thinking about if we can make it!! Are we destined to be together!I brought up some of my boundaries. We also were talking about our feelings ugh! He brought up again how he doesn't FEEL the same love for me that he used to and he doesn't understand why he doesn't I didn't get angry or act upset. I did ask him why don't you just let me go and he said "because he doesn't want to" oh goodness this man has lost his mind. I guess one day at a time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Please read Surviving An Affair. It will tell you about the 'fog' they go through, how they 'think' they fall out of love with you. But it is VERY typical. If you can learn about this, and explain it to him, it may give him hope about falling in love again.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> We also were talking about our feelings ugh! He brought up again how he doesn't FEEL the same love for me that he used to and he doesn't understand why he doesn't I didn't get angry or act upset. I did ask him why don't you just let me go and he said "because he doesn't want to" oh goodness this man has lost his mind.


If he is asking these questions, then by ALL MEANS, get His Needs, Her Needs for the two of you. Also get 'Surviving an Affair", as Turnera points out. Those two books are a gold mine! And, they can easily answer his questions!


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## hmm (Aug 23, 2010)

I ordered both books today!!


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## hmm (Aug 23, 2010)

My h wants to come home this weekend after hunting with my little guy or rather I should say he plans on coming home this weekend. I have been hearing from him less during the work day which is fine. he has still come over everyday after work and has stayed all of this week late enough to tuck our kids in. We are still pretty quiet with eachother I can see him drift off sometimes. He still kisses and hugs me before he leaves. I dont know anymore what to do. I have been fighting this for so long to have him come back to me and he has been lying. So am I now starting back at square one? Everything that trashy women has said to me just keeps running through my mind like a poison dart to my heart. I dont understand why I'm so scared to say goodbye, Does that mean that I'm a weak person? that I would continue on with someone who tells me after 20 years that they dont have that "in love" feeling for me anymore? Is it better to let him come home so we can work on it? so many questions that I cannot answer...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It's good to have him home...IF he agrees to NC, total transparency, and to work on the marriage.


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## hmm (Aug 23, 2010)

So my h didn't stay very long today but while he was here he was looking at our cell phone account and looking at other providers he is going to switch his account from mine says he wants to upgrade and it will be cheaper yeah right. I was agitated by this and none of his reasoning made sense to me. He says you will never trust me again! I said I will in time if he is open with me if he let's me see his phone when I ask or let's me have the passcodes to his account. He doesn't like this idea he says that if he didn't want to be here he wouldn't that he does not have any ulterior motives that he was being honest with me by letting me know his intentions.that if he wanted to contact her he could use someone elses phone or a payphone or maybe he's lying to me right now and he's not where he says he is. Seriously what the h*** is he thinking because now after 4 months he's telling the truth and I just have to believe him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

When he is willing to work on the marriage, he will be willing to offer you the transparency you need.


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## hmm (Aug 23, 2010)

Tanelornpete said:


> When he is willing to work on the marriage, he will be willing to offer you the transparency you need.


He wants to come home sunday when they get back from hunting do u think I should let him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hmm (Aug 23, 2010)

hmm said:


> He wants to come home sunday when they get back from hunting do u think I should let him?also he told me tonite he's waiting for me to turn my back on him
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I believe I would reply like this: 

"I would love to have you come home and offer me 100% of your affection and loyalty. In order for you to come home, I would require three things: 1) a No Contact Letter that you write to the OW and I send/mail--closing or deleting all secret accounts you used for the affair together. 2) Transparency which means that both of us are "see through" enough that you'd let me see the real you and I'd let you see the real me. We would share passwords, log ons, and access to all accounts including each others' cell phones. And yep you'd see mine because you're my husband--just as I'd see yours because I'm your wife. This way trust in your honesty can be rebuilt as you show me that you're being honest and open. 3) Commitment to doing the work that's needed to work on your own personal issues (and not blame me) and work together with me on our marriage's issues. I can tell you right now I'm committed to working on my own issues and rebuilding a loving marriage. If you want to come home on Sunday are you willing to offer those three things? If so--cool!"


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

hmm said:


> He wants to come home sunday when they get back from hunting do u think I should let him?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Not if he won't hand you over his passwords before he walks in the door.

Period.


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## hmm (Aug 23, 2010)

well my h came back from hunting with my son this morning, came into our room and told me he cant do this (meaning be with me) he is not in love with me anymore and that he loves the ow. he has left again and we said GOODBYE......its a very sad ending to a 20 yr. relationship..he has left our family once again and I'm left to deal with the kids, bills, everyday life and the pain. How do I move forward?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Cuss him out. Have a drink. Write him a letter telling him how big of a jerk he is and send it.


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## hmm (Aug 23, 2010)

Its been three days since my h walked out on us again! In that time the ow has messaged me on fb to let me know that she's sorry for what she has done but that they are back together again he told her he loves her and he cannot live without her. talk about a verbal jab! He is not being really there for our childrens emotional needs he has seen them but when he is with her he doesn't answer their calls and lies and says he didn't hear it. He has texted me and called a couple of times.I'm at such a loss. Do I just give up? He obviously is done with me! Most of his stuff is still in my bedroom he literally left with two suitcases. Should I pack all of his stuff put it in the garage? How can any man give up his whole life?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Personally, I would pack up all his stuff. For YOU. You don't need his crap in YOUR bedroom. Maybe, some day, he will EARN back the right to be invited back there.

For now, shove his stuff out to the curb and tell him he has til Monday to pick it up before Salvatiuon Army comes to pick it up.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Yep. This is a great time of year to make donations. There are people that really need clothes.


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## hmm (Aug 23, 2010)

Thanksgiving was very difficult I felt my mood swinging all over the place. Didn't hear from h I'm sure he was with his new girlfriend. I had to text him about schedule with kids for weekend asked him to call when he had time so. We could hash it out
He didn't said he fell asleep (yeah right) when he's with her he's always out of contact it is what it is I guess.I did pack all of his stuff that was in my bedroom and put it the garage. He seemed a little surprised when I told him his things were in the garage. All I said was this what you wanted right? He didn't say anything just said I guess either you or I was gonna have to do it.on a funny note my h text me yesterday when I was at work and told me "you don't have to hide that u bought condoms I know that u will move on quickly you don't have to hide things from me" I laughed when I read this since these r the condoms we bought for our anniversary weekend! What was that about? He's the one who has moved on and abandoned his family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Have you told your children. If not invite him to join you, if he decline do so yourself, tell them the truth, include the OW name in the discussion. This is not to blame any one this is so your children see the affair for what it is and the OW for who she is. They will be insecure and they need someone to tell them the truth and support them, your husband is incapable of doing this. 

You may have been in Plan A with out realizing it. I suggest you switch to Plan B, choose an intermediary who you will both use for any future discussion. Buy a notebook, therein state the requirements to return to the marriage. You and he use the notebook to communicate anything about the children or the financial support he must now pay to you. The IM is the conduit for this.

As he is with the OW she can start paying, Yes, check with a smart lawyer I have seen it happen as is he is residing with her as her partner he/she must pay you child support.

Obtain a legal separation, do everything by the book. 

Best wishes..


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## hmm (Aug 23, 2010)

not much to update.. my h is pretty much avoiding me at all costs at this point still seeing the kids when I have to work. And we text only! never speak directly and only about our kids. I also have not reached out to him as I dont believe I should. It feels like I'm a one women show taking care of everything on my own. I dont think he will ever come to his senses I dont even know what to do anymore. I love him I really do. Do I go file for a legal seperation? I hate the idea of this, but we have so many details to discuss. And he just has totally walked out on his life. Should I wait a couple of weeks and see?


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

hmm,
So sorry to read your pain. Sadly we are not alone you have been on this board longer than me so you know the good support. Hang in there. I wish I could offer some good advice but I am a taker of advice right now. Just know you are not alone.
Disbelief


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## hmm (Aug 23, 2010)

disbelief,
yes I have been going through this for several months the real truth did not come out till about three weeks ago or so.. It is the most devastating experience that anyone could go through especially when you know for a fact that you were loyal,loving a good mother and never let myself go... I worked hard to be successful for my family and my man and then I'm repayed with lies, betrayal and deceit. One thing I can say is all through this I've still tried to understand what my h was going through and how he was feeling I have remained classy(even when I met the discusting vile ow) Im really starting to realize that this is his loss a women who has truly loved him for 20 years and children who never did anything to deserve this confusion and pain... I'm also sorry for your struggle keep your head up


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## hmm (Aug 23, 2010)

Its been quite awhile since I've posted I still read them almost everyday I just haven't been able to share. My h and I are still seperated and he is still seeing the ow at first when he left he would usually just pick the kids up and not come in. Now he comes almost everyday to our home and hangs out for awhile he spent the night on xmas eve and stayed pretty much all day on xmas when he left we both cried. He told me it gets harder for him to leave everytime it must be a sign and that he loved us(me and the kids)he has also told me he wishes he could have his life back and that he misses us I told him then why don't you fight for me? He told me things were complicated and that he needed to work on his self. I said how do you work on yourself when you are always with her? He has made comments to me about being lonely even when he's with her I don't think she intellectually stimulates him. He is still living in a motel while I'm in our home.I pretty much am holding everything together financially and with my children. They still do not know the scope of why daddy is not with us he does not bring her around my kid. That's a huge issue for me she does not have the character or moral fiber of someone who should be around them and at this point I think he agrees. I'm still seeing my counselor and trying to figure out who iam as an individual there has been some enlightening for me. Just not really sure where I'm going from here the loneliness is extremely painful...I miss so much..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Your husband is following the affair script.

You carry on being the wonderful wife and mother you are. 


Set a time frame in mind when you will to stop what is called Plan A, you are in Plan A even if you do not realize it. 

If he has not come round and committed to you by that time then you switch to Plan B. I recommended that you run Plan A for circa 6 to 8 weeks thereafter it drains you emotionally and causes you more problems. It is very dependent if your husband is still a cake eater or is returning home. 

Remember there are conditions for him to return home:

As affaircare said earlier:-


> I believe I would reply like this:
> 
> "I would love to have you come home and offer me 100% of your affection and loyalty. In order for you to come home, I would require three things: 1) a No Contact Letter that you write to the OW and I send/mail--closing or deleting all secret accounts you used for the affair together. 2) Transparency which means that both of us are "see through" enough that you'd let me see the real you and I'd let you see the real me. We would share passwords, log ons, and access to all accounts including each others' cell phones. And yep you'd see mine because you're my husband--just as I'd see yours because I'm your wife. This way trust in your honesty can be rebuilt as you show me that you're being honest and open. 3) Commitment to doing the work that's needed to work on your own personal issues (and not blame me) and work together with me on our marriage's issues. I can tell you right now I'm committed to working on my own issues and rebuilding a loving marriage. If you want to come home on Sunday are you willing to offer those three things? If so--cool!"



Plan B is when you go dark, there is a letter and script to follow , your husband will notice Plan B and will from what I can read from your post find it very difficult to have the OW satisfy his needs. 


As for your children , I know it is hard but you do need to have him sit with you and them and tell them why he is no longer at home. Honesty must prevail, they are aware there is a problem and must not think they are at fault.

An extract below:



> "Everyone should know what happened -- children, relatives, friends, and especially the children"
> 
> Even if you are divorcing tell your children the truth. Don't forewarn your husband , have the script written down, at the last moment say to your husband you are sitting down together and tell your kids.
> 
> ...



You are doing well so be strong, eat , exercise and think of yourself and your children .

Stay on course it may feel like the mountain is not moving, it will!!!

Have you told your/his family and friends he is in and affair including the OW's family and friends??? They may think he is a single man or heard another story , we can help you rock that boat, it is part of the process to take away the secret and recover your marriage. It is never to late to expose.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It's time to stop letting him 'have' you. If he doesn't want to be married, he can't expect to get the perks. By you continuing to allow him to come and get his cake fix, he has NO REASON to come home to you.


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## hmm (Aug 23, 2010)

turnera said:


> It's time to stop letting him 'have' you. If he doesn't want to be married, he can't expect to get the perks. By you continuing to allow him to come and get his cake fix, he has NO REASON to come home to you.


Turnera, I know, I know, I know...its crazy how I can be an intelligent women and still make these dumb choices he was at our house when I got home last nite he walked up and kissed me on the mouth its crazy what is he thinking!! He also has to come back this morning to watch our kids, he climbed into our bed he hasn't been in it for along time now( I wasn't in it) I know its time to cut the cord but I feel like such a coward that I keep accepting these crumbs from him. My new years resolution is to step it up. Its time I need to move on alone...or with my h I need to make him understand that I'm coming to the end of my rope. The humiliation is pretty tough.the rumor mill is working overtime to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hmm (Aug 23, 2010)

Eli-Zor said:


> Your husband is following the affair script.
> 
> You carry on being the wonderful wife and mother you are.
> 
> ...


 hi, yes everyone who is important knows that he is having an affair and has walked out on us, as for her family who knows she's pretty trashy and crass. As for telling my kids that a decision I will stick to at 9 yrs old I don't think they need to know ther dad is having an affair I talked to my counselor about it also he agrees that I should stay on course I will walk this path alone they are my main priority if I can save them any pain I will. Even if it could help him see clearly, I realize that kids are smart and pick up on things I'm extremly kind to there father even after everything he has done. I would love nothing more then to have my h and family back together again. But that is something I can't do. I'm almost at the point of going dark. In some ways I'm healing and others I'm still festering but god willing there is light at the end of this journey thank you for your advise it is much appreciated happy new year
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do you know much about psychology?


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## hmm (Aug 23, 2010)

turnera said:


> Do you know much about psychology?


Probably not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Then the best thing for you to do is do some reading, let the books instruct you. Start with Surviving An Affair. It'll help you learn to disengage, to try to get HIM more interested in YOU by no longer pursuing him. It will explain the benefit, psychologically.


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