# So THIS is remorse???



## Crazytown (Sep 27, 2010)

After being caught in his EA my WH has gone through the "right" motions as far as transparency, counseling etc. but his attitude still really sucks!

Last weekend I asked him if he wanted to go to my friends for a party. He blew me off and said that I would probably be too tired to go since I was taking a physical class that day. So, I didn't bring it up again.

Anyway, he stopped by to watch my class (check up on me more like it) and we happened to be on a break. So, he couldn't locate me when he first got there. The break ended and everybody rounded back up for the next part. I happened to be walking out of the classroom with another man to rejoin the group. Well apparently this was highly suspicious and inappropriate. My H left the class without saying anything to me and then proceeded to blow up my phone with accusations and threats about me and this man. I have no clue what this guy's name even is...I was just making small talk with him on break.

When I got home I was not met with congratulations for passing the class instead I got more accusations. BTW I have NEVER cheated on my WH. He is the one who cheated. So, I told him I was going to go to the party and enjoy my night. Well instead of offering to go with me he flipped out. He first begged me not to go, then told me if I left he would move out and then threatened me with custody of the kids if I left etc. I left anyway... BTW this is about the third time in 15 years I ever went out at night without him...

Anyway, I wish he'd act normal and remorseful and show me that I am important to him. Instead this is the behavior I get.

Tonight at dinner I went downstairs to get us sodas for our meal. Well, he only had a few cans of HIS soda left. I didn't have any of mine so I was going to drink one of his.
This was the convo:

Him- You're taking one of my LAST sodas???
me- No, it's ok I'll grab something else.
Him- Oh, just drink it!
me- No, that's ok I don't want to take your last one...
Him- What is WRONG with YOU??? I HATE when you act like this!!!
me- what do you mean? I'm doing what you wanted and not taking your last soda?
Him- Oh great another great night like usual... (walks out slamming the door)

What am I missing? I can do nothing right? Shouldn't HE be doing some butt kissing around here?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Hint: it's not about the soda.

You guys have some major rebuilding to do, communication-wise.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

He's projecting...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Crazytown (Sep 27, 2010)

lamaga said:


> Hint: it's not about the soda.
> 
> You guys have some major rebuilding to do, communication-wise.


:iagree:

but I don't even know where to start...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He is angry and missing his OW. He is picking fights to leave so he doesn't have to be around you and feel guilty and/or see his OW again.

 Sounds awful and sounds like he isn't really sorry. 

As far as him accusing you of cheating, that's just liek a cheater. They think EVERY ONE can do what they did. Their brain just isn't right.


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## Crazytown (Sep 27, 2010)

YinPrincess said:


> He's projecting...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:
with that too!


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Sorry, I hit send before I completed my reply..

He's "seeing" his feelings displayed in your behaviors. I believe this is a coping mechanism for his guilt/shame and/or upset about his EA.

We all project to some degree, so I would handle it by not reacting at all, if possible. (That's what I try to do - but sometimes people really get under your skin).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Crazytown (Sep 27, 2010)

that_girl said:


> He is angry and missing his OW. He is picking fights to leave so he doesn't have to be around you and feel guilty and/or see his OW again.
> 
> Sounds awful and sounds like he isn't really sorry.
> 
> As far as him accusing you of cheating, that's just liek a cheater. They think EVERY ONE can do what they did. Their brain just isn't right.


Sometimes I feel like just showing him the door and saying go for it...go see if someone else makes you happy...


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## E8H3 (May 7, 2012)

I would also stop doing exactly what he wants as this could easily escalate to verbal abuse.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

:wtf:

That's so sad. When we are out of soda I genuinely feel privileged to be able to give my wife the last soda.


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> :wtf:
> 
> That's so sad. When we are out of soda I genuinely feel privileged to be able to give my wife the last soda.


I've had this same argument over beer. 

What is funny to me right now...is us having to deal with our wayward teen son. He's lying, stealing my alcohol, sneaking out etc. we sit him down and my WH starts lecturing him about how important it is to never lie and sneak...and I have to pinch myself from LOLing!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

Someone needs to tell these idiots that if BS stays, the BS gets the last soda/beer FOR LiFE.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Crazytown (Sep 27, 2010)

:iagree:
with all of the above! :lol:

It just feels good to be able to vent to all of you! And to document what really happened so it doesn't get changed around and turned on to me in another few days...:lol:


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Picking fights, coming from a cheater, isn't something that requires learning about communication--it's a distancing mechanism. It means he is resentful the affair has ended. I would be concerned about his breaking contact (sorry, don't know your full story).

Lamaga--not sure if you revisit threads, but my experience was that the fight picking disappeared when the affair was exposed, contact ended, and my husband remorseful and recommitted. Funny thing, I didn't change my communication style to accomplish that. And that is a common experience for loyal spouses.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

When you truly love someone, you'd gladly give the LAST of anything and do without. I do it for my children, my husband and even my students...damn kids.

I just don't think he's remorseful. he's saying he is, but he's not. And I would also bet he's still in contact with the OW. It's just underground now.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

that_girl said:


> When you truly love someone, you'd gladly give the LAST of anything and do without. I do it for my children, my husband and even my students...damn kids.
> 
> I just don't think he's remorseful. he's saying he is, but he's not. And I would also bet he's still in contact with the OW. It's just underground now.


Or he is not, which is why he resents his wife.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

This guy is trying to manipulate you, guilt you into staying in this marriage


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## Vegemite (Apr 12, 2012)

Someone may say I say this too much, but your CH is showing classic narcissistic traits. He is definitely not remorseful. Most will pretend to show it at least. Stay strong.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Dude is trying to justify his issues by making some of yours up. Projecting is one thing out right stalking and paranoia is another. I don't know about narcissism I would want to know more before I threw that word out. 
However I would not take it from him. He needs to STFU and be glad you didn't walk out the door. maybe try doing the 180 on him.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

that_girl said:


> *He is angry and missing his OW. *He is picking fights to leave so he doesn't have to be around you and feel guilty and/or see his OW again.
> 
> Sounds awful and sounds like he isn't really sorry.
> 
> As far as him accusing you of cheating, that's just liek a cheater. They think EVERY ONE can do what they did. Their brain just isn't right.


I figured this out with my bf as well. It was St. Pat's weekend and I know now he was missing the pub crawl that he and she and others did together the year before. I know because she has a photo album of it on her FB wall. 

He claimed that I was rude to a stranger in the airport. I deemed her behaving creepily. I did not physically nor even verbally abuse her, I merely ignored her and move on.

WE have since discussed this. He tries to say that he was just joking but at least he has not tried this again.

You really have to be confident to decide on your own whether an issue has merit or not.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I suspect that there is something going on here and can't quite put my finger on it.

Your husband sounds like he is suspecting you. I am not sure if projection is accurate in this case. He is checking up on you at class is more in line with him suspecting you of cheating then projection.

Is he checking your computer, phone, whereabouts, etc.?

I may be wrong but I feel your husband has something on you that is not sitting well with him. A phone number, a FB chat, an email, a text, something that has him bugging out.

If I was you, I would examine what this might be. I suspect that to you it will be very innocent and you sound innocent. 

But his behavior seems more in line with us BS'ers.

I am not accusing you of anything wrong. So don't take what I am saying incorrectly. I get the feeling that your husband is bugging out because he feels you are doing something based upon something he read, heard or felt from you.

Until he opens up we are all just guessing.

Could be what I said.

Could be projection.

Could be guilt.

Could be he is just an as*.

Live your life as an open book, hide nothing, and try to be nice to him and for God's sake don't ever even think of taking his last soda. 

I do get the feeling that the issue is him and not you.


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## Crazytown (Sep 27, 2010)

Thorburn said:


> I suspect that there is something going on here and can't quite put my finger on it.
> 
> Your husband sounds like he is suspecting you. I am not sure if projection is accurate in this case. He is checking up on you at class is more in line with him suspecting you of cheating then projection.
> 
> ...


He's acted like that our whole marriage...
My fault for thinking he had changed when I took him back the last time...
His ex cheated so I kind of gave him a free pass for awhile. I've never done anything suspicious despite being accused of everything under the sun. It came out at MC that he cheated on me when we first started dating. It was a ONS. For years after that he accused me of having a ONS that same night. The therapist said he was projecting his guilt on me. But seriously he tortured me with that for 10 years when HE was the guilty one...

I DO see some narcissist qualities in him for sure


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## Crazytown (Sep 27, 2010)

Vegemite said:


> Someone may say I say this too much, but your CH is showing classic narcissistic traits. He is definitely not remorseful. Most will pretend to show it at least. Stay strong.


:iagree:
it scares me because I know I should just leave him for good. Its so hard though because of what I went through before.
I'm scared to go through that again and to subject my son to his behaviour and bad choices...


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

Crazytown said:


> Tonight at dinner I went downstairs to get us sodas for our meal. Well, he only had a few cans of HIS soda left. I didn't have any of mine so I was going to drink one of his.
> This was the convo:
> 
> Him- You're taking one of my LAST sodas???
> ...


Me and my wife do this exact soda thing, except I am usually taking her soda. The passive aggressive response to make him feel guilty for the rest of the night is what bothered him. You pushed his buttons on purpose and refused to drink the soda after he changed his mind (realized he was wrong for not sharing). You wanted to make sure for the rest of the night he felt guilty for stopping you. It is a game, it does ruin nights, and the entire act of "I am just being innocent and doing exactly what you say........" is part of that game. He knew it, you know it.

If you did "exactly what he said", you wouldn't have went to the party the other night when he was begging you not too. You don't do what he says, unless it's part of a game to make each other miserable. 

I am not really trying to jump on your or anything, but that convo you posted hits close to home. Immature on both of your parts imo.


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## Crazytown (Sep 27, 2010)

Aristotle said:


> Me and my wife do this exact soda thing, except I am usually taking her soda. The passive aggressive response to make him feel guilty for the rest of the night is what bothered him. You pushed his buttons on purpose and refused to drink the soda after he changed his mind (realized he was wrong for not sharing). You wanted to make sure for the rest of the night he felt guilty for stopping you. It is a game, it does ruin nights, and the entire act of "I am just being innocent and doing exactly what you say........" is part of that game. He knew it, you know it.
> 
> If you did "exactly what he said", you wouldn't have went to the party the other night when he was begging you not too. You don't do what he says, unless it's part of a game to make each other miserable.
> 
> I am not really trying to jump on your or anything, but that convo you posted hits close to home. Immature on both of your parts imo.


You are totally right on some counts I was being passive aggressive. But, in a way how can I not be???
Past history has shown me that if I take the soda I am "punished" the rest of the night...because then he has to get more and he can't ever sit down after work and blah, blah, blah...

As for the I do exactly what he says part...well that particular night that I went to the party no I wasn't doing what he said. But, like I said before I never go out without him...this was the 3rd time alone in 15 years! I look at it as standing up for myself and refusing to be guilted for wanting to do a totally normal thing which btw I invited him to go with me originally.

I wasn't offended by your post at all. I was kind of happy to see an opposing view point. But, I also wanted to explain my logic a little more.


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