# Revenge affairs?



## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

No, I'm not contemplating one. But I am curious if anyone here partook in one, or is thinking about it.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

That was the farthest thing from my mind at the time. Unless you count time spent with my dildo


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

My H did.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> That was the farthest thing from my mind at the time. Unless you count time spent with my dildo


:lol:

New acronym: OD.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

pidge70 said:


> My H did.


Were you a WW?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Never had the need to do it but I think it could help some people, especially men, get back their self esteem and sexual ego. If my wife had a physical affair and (in the unlikely event) I wanted to reconcile with her, I would seriously consider a well timed revenge affair.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Yes I was.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

The Middleman said:


> Never had the need to do it but I think it could help some people, especially men, get back their self esteem and sexual ego. If my wife had a physical affair and (in the unlikely event) I wanted to reconcile with her, I would seriously consider a well timed revenge affair.


I hooked up with a gal while we were separated (read: after she left me). It did wonders for me. And it made her come crawling back.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

pidge70 said:


> Yes I was.


How did you find out? What did you think about it? Were you in R at the time?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

The-Deceived said:


> I hooked up with a gal while we were separated (read: after she left me). It did wonders for me. And it made her come crawling back.


There you go! Another success story!


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

The Middleman said:


> There you go! Another success story!


LOL.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

The-Deceived said:


> How did you find out? What did you think about it? Were you in R at the time?


Someone told me. I was less than thrilled and yes we were in R at the time.....or so I thought. Then again, he thought I was faithful. Tit for tat I suppose.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I had what I now realise was a revenge affair.

I thought the impact of my wife's affair on me was bad enough.

The impact of my revenge affair on me was far, far worse. I broke myself so utterly that I was on Seroxat for a short while.

My wife (God bless her!) is a psychologist and she actually helped me through it by providing some counselling to me.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

This is all hypothetical for me, so take what I say with a grain of salt.

I think RA's are almost uniformally destructive. The only exception (and actually, I think it's a pretty good exception) would be to bed the affair partner's spouse, and then only if reconcilliation is off the table.

But I may be a crappier person than most.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

GTdad said:


> This is all hypothetical for me, so take what I say with a grain of salt.
> 
> I think RA's are almost uniformally destructive. The only exception (and actually, I think it's a pretty good exception) would be to bed the affair partner's spouse, and then only if reconcilliation is off the table.
> 
> But I may be a crappier person than most.


There was an article some years ago about neighbours whose partners ran away together. The remaining spouses started chatting over their joint misfortune and eventually fell in love an married.

But that wasn't what you had in mind, was it?


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> I had what I now realise was a revenge affair.
> 
> I thought the impact of my wife's affair on me was bad enough.
> 
> ...


How did it break you?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

The-Deceived said:


> How did it break you?


Emotionally. I had hurt my wife, the OW and I realised I had become a real POS.

I did not like who I had become.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> There was an article some years ago about neighbours whose partners ran away together. The remaining spouses started chatting over their joint misfortune and eventually fell in love an married.
> 
> But that wasn't what you had in mind, was it?


Well, not exactly, but crappy person or no I'm still a sucker for happy endings.


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

Sometimes I think about seeking someone to have a cyber affair with, like my husband did, just so he can feel the pain.

However, I know that 2 wrongs do not make a right & hooking up with someone purely to hurt someone else is not what to do.

Thus, this is not a thought that will become reality. I don't want to hurt my husband & I don't want to hurt myself.


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## doc_martin (Oct 19, 2012)

I did have a brief emotional affair. I didn't like it. None of the things I was looking for were found in that relationship. It didn't make me feel all that much better in the end. 

What it DID do is further derail our marriage, and allowed her more reasons to defend her affair in her own mind (although she never stopped her affair, so I doubt it would have made much of a difference either way)


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> Never had the need to do it but *I think it could help some people,* especially men, *get back their self esteem and sexual ego.* If my wife had a physical affair and (in the unlikely event) I wanted to reconcile with her, *I would seriously consider a well timed* revenge* affair*.


Fixed it for you.
Nothing new under the sun. No need of a prefix before the word affair. It's just the source of the entitlement what changes.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Acabado said:


> Fixed it for you.
> Nothing new under the sun. No need of a prefix before the word affair. It's just the source of the entitlement what changes.


Maybe, maybe not. An affair is done to a spouse who usually has done no wrong. A revenge affair is done to a spouse who has committed a great wrong. Put another way: "How do you like how that feels!"

Look, if my spouse had a physical affair, I've written off the marriage anyway. To me there's no harm in a revenge affair after that.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

The Middleman said:


> Maybe, maybe not. An affair is done to a spouse who usually has done no wrong. A revenge affair is done to a spouse who has committed a great wrong. Put another way: "How do you like how that feels!"
> 
> Look, if my spouse had a physical affair, I've written off the marriage anyway. To me there's no harm in a revenge affair after that.


There can be harm in a revenge affair when there are children involved. Ask my 12yr old how both her parent's stupidity affected her. Then again, if it wasn't for HIPAA, you could just ask her therapist. Yeah, we did a great job......<insert sarcasm>


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

pidge70 said:


> There can be harm in a revenge affair when there are children involved. Ask my 12yr old how both her parent's stupidity affected her. Then again, if it wasn't for HIPAA, you could just ask her therapist. Yeah, we did a great job......<insert sarcasm>


Without going into a long story, I know exactly ... and I mean exactly ... how you 12 year old felt, at the same age. Right now, I'm talking from the perspective of someone with grown children. From my perspective, 100% of the blame is with the spouse who committed the original transgression. A revenge affair (or revenge sex) can't happen without the original affair happening first.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

The Middleman said:


> Without going into a long story, I know exactly ... and I mean exactly ... how you 12 year old felt, at the same age. Right now, I'm talking from the perspective of someone with grown children. From my perspective, 100% of the blame is with the spouse who committed the original transgression. A revenge affair (or revenge sex) can't happen without the original affair happening first.


Well obviously or else it would not be called a revenge affair. I do disagree with you to an extent. I am 100% responsible for my actions just as he is 100% responsible for his. Does my cheating justify his? I think not as he had the same option of calling it quits the same as I did before I had my A. We have discussed his rationality for his A and while I understand, all it did was take an already volatile situation and worsen it. Then again, I know without a doubt had he not had his RA, I would never had hit bottom and started my path to recovery. I don't mean ending my A either, I meant my personal growth. Doesn't make it hurt any less though.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

When asked how would I feel if Calvin did that to me it freaks me out, he would never do that. But what if he did? Yes I would forgive him but obviously it would really really hurt, and I bet it would hurt him more than he's already hurt. One infidelity is too much..we will go on with NO infidelity from now on because we both love and care about eachother. I have always loved hbim and I never stopped. I unplugged and thought I wasn't "in love" with him..now I ask myself.."wtf was I thinking??" I'm sure he would like to know also..I can't believe we are here on TAM because I did something I never thought I would do.. it freaks me out that I did this to him..to us.. my God it's messed up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Never had one but I do think it's not always revenge. Vulnerable and insecure people are more apt to cheat I think. When someone has been betrayed they are often both. They feel small and ugly and weak. Someone paying them attention fills a void. Not making excuses since there's always consequences. I'm just pointing out that it's not always about revenge.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

I thought about it when, after dDay, I found out an old boyfriend of mine was getting a divorce. I thought about contacting him more than once and ended up not doing it. I guess I don't want to invite further drama into my life and drag someone else into my mess, nor do two wrongs make a right. However, there are days I wish WS could feel exactly what I do.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> Maybe, maybe not. *An affair is done to a spouse who usually has done no wrong.* A revenge affair is done to a spouse who has committed a great wrong. Put another way: "How do you like how that feels!"
> Look, *if my spouse had a physical affair, I've written off the marriage anyway*. To me there's no harm in a revenge affair after that.


The bolded premise is completely false. Even it's hard do prove what "doing no wrong" means, completely debatable issue here, it's a matter of statistics nad logic: many betrayed are obviously horrible partners. Necessarily.
The second bolded part at least brings a "new" argument (The "" are becuase you can't imagine the amount of cheaters who trully believe the marraige is already dead so they are not actualy cheating) but at least implies it's not for those who are chosing R but for those who pretend they are Ring.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> Never had one but I do think it's not always revenge. *Vulnerable and insecure people are more apt to cheat I think. When someone has been betrayed they are often both. * They feel small and ugly and weak. Someone paying them attention fills a void. Not making excuses since there's always consequences. I'm just pointing out that it's not always about revenge.


:iagree:
That's why the source is the same, low selfsteem, need to external validation to vuild themselves up. Often happen to the original cheater, then to the betrayed one. 
Exactly the same source, equally inexcusable.
Add to the mix entitlement.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

My sister did with the OW's husband, left her husband and stayed with the guy and has been very happy ever since. Her ex was a jerk. Her new man has been with her for many years. My sister's three kids are brilliant, and very successful. My sister put her energies into her kids and it shows. Her new husband Jack is one of the nicest guys you would ever want to know.


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## Latigo (Apr 27, 2011)

Given everything that I have learned over the last few years. What brought me here as well as reading many of the stories on TAM, I have changed my opinion on revenge affairs. I used to think that if my wife slept with another man (didn't fully understand EA's back then) that a few rolls in the hay with 2-3 different hotties would cure all and we could begin to work it out. Now, it's to where I really do think that I would sleep with 100 and it wouldn't help. Wouldn't change anything. I have come to the conclusion that I would still have one, but for totally different reasons now.


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## WaitForIt... (Jan 20, 2013)

About year 12 of my marriage, my husband "confessed" to a string of infidelities and indiscretions. Trickle truthed, gas lighted and blame shifted for years. Not one instance was his fault. I've never gotten closure and am not allowed to discuss any of it. In our 19th year of marriage, with numerous additional issues and the refusal from him to even acknowledge we had problems, I had a revenge ONS. Worst mistake of my life. Now in year 22, we have been in R for 13 months. I am remorseful and transparent and steadfast in my decision to never be that person again. My one discretion tainted everything even though I'm supposed to forget all of his. Or marriage is s_it. All the old problems are still here and now he has issues too. Refuses counseling or even adult discussions. He will not open up to me about anything and won't even tell me if he has any intentions of ever trying to. I'm constantly ignored on important things and everything is rug swept by him. We are now room mates that have sex once a week, under his conditions. Purely maintenance. I've lost all hope of ever having an open, honest, loving, fulfilling relationship with my best friend. You really couldn't even call us friends. The resentments keep piling up. It's devastating. Also, two Weeks after I confessed, he went to an Asian massage parlor and got full service sex. So...revenge upon revenge. Dysfunctional as h e l l.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

I think if you really really want to have a revenge affair then Middlemans mention of timing is most important. I think that if you have a revenge affair immediately after your partners affair then there might be slight tendency to be hurt but say "Well I deserved that." A number of unfaithful posters have mentioned that they couldn't really complain if their partners had a rebound affair.

I think to really have a revenge affair you would need to reconcile, make believe that everything is wonderful, really draw your wayward spouse back in and then, say five years later, have your revenge affair. Because only then would they understand the hurt you have been through.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

pidge70 said:


> Well obviously or else it would not be called a revenge affair. I do disagree with you to an extent. I am 100% responsible for my actions just as he is 100% responsible for his. Does my cheating justify his? I think not as he had the same option of calling it quits the same as I did before I had my A. We have discussed his rationality for his A and while I understand, all it did was take an already volatile situation and worsen it. Then again, I know without a doubt had he not had his RA, I would never had hit bottom and started my path to recovery. I don't mean ending my A either, I meant my personal growth. Doesn't make it hurt any less though.


I am honestly curious about this topic and the thoughts behind, other than the generic "two wrongs don't make a right". And just to make it clear, I am absolutely in no way out to hurt someone here, just trying to understand it.

When a WS is perfectly capable of rationalizing/justifying an affair for them selves, why does it worsen the situation when the former LS does the very same thing? Why can't that be rationalized as well? Does the hamster only work on ones own actions?

I mean, if I punch someone in the face, I wouldn't be surprised to find myself with a bleeding nose afterwards, and I don't think I would complain much about the pain either. (There you go, I am obviously not a violent person.)


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## JustGrinding (Oct 26, 2012)

Once my emotions were loose, running rampant, and nearly out of my control, the idea of someone else holding me, being intimate and making me feel loved was appealing.

Fortunately for me, my rational thought processes prevailed and it was very clear to me that behaving like a pig myself would do nothing but make me lose the dignity and self-respect I had left.

I am, and have always been a faithful, loyal husband and father. I do it for me, not for my wife.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

JustGrinding said:


> Once my emotions were loose, running rampant, and nearly out of my control, the idea of someone else holding me, being intimate and making me feel loved was appealing.
> 
> Fortunately for me, my rational thought processes prevailed and it was very clear to me that behaving like a pig myself would do nothing but make me lose the dignity and self-respect I had left.
> 
> I am, and have always been a faithful, loyal husband and father. I do it for me, not for my wife.


Is that integrity I smell?


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

cpacan said:


> I am honestly curious about this topic and the thoughts behind, other than the generic "two wrongs don't make a right". And just to make it clear, I am absolutely in no way out to hurt someone here, just trying to understand it.
> 
> When a WS is perfectly capable of rationalizing/justifying an affair for them selves, why does it worsen the situation when the former LS does the very same thing? Why can't that be rationalized as well? Does the hamster only work on ones own actions?
> 
> I mean, if I punch someone in the face, I wouldn't be surprised to find myself with a bleeding nose afterwards, and I don't think I would complain much about the pain either. (There you go, I am obviously not a violent person.)


It worsens it when you have children.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

cpacan said:


> I am honestly curious about this topic and the thoughts behind, other than the generic "two wrongs don't make a right". And just to make it clear, I am absolutely in no way out to hurt someone here, just trying to understand it.
> When a WS is perfectly capable of rationalizing/justifying an affair for them selves, why does it worsen the situation when the former LS does the very same thing? Why can't that be rationalized as well? Does the hamster only work on ones own actions?


Not anwering for pidge but it's my take on it.
The train of thoughs what justified the RA, the revenge, the getting even, the compensation, the pund of flesh doesn't vanish after the affair. 
While the original wayward might be remorseful, full of guilt and taking the blame even for the RA, doing their part to fix the marriage and surpresing their own hurt feelings (bad idea) the original betrayed become betrayer still is hurt, angry, entitled. The RA didn't fix a thing. They still aply the double standard and believe themselves victims forever. The thirst for justice is intact, insatiable. The now betrayed has to swallow everything while seeing the former betrayed riding the high horse and demanding to be chased.
The former betrayed scream hypocrite to the original wayward when actually the hypocrite is now the RAer becasue feels no remorse for it nor empathy for the other's pain. How much time a wayward can keep the "i deserved it" mentality? Is the betrayed allowed to have no boundaries from now on?
Pain is pain. They original wayward can put it on the "i deserve it" for a while. The "justice" doesn't make the pain to hurt less. It doesn't erase the pain. And when people who claims to love you dismiss your pain we have a problem, don't we? 
Then, if the original wayward is not remorseful they will use to RA to rugsweep the whole thing, the wayeard entitlement is not only intact but reinforced due the "getting even" leaving the betrayed still in pain and miserable.

It's no wonder the sh1t just keep piling up.
I've seen families destroyed, dragging children into the mix by affair, RA, then RA from the original cheater, rinse repeat... a complete nightmare. The generic "two wrongs don't make a right" is not just a phrase, it's a hard known learned statement.
I occasionally lurk another infidelity website where they have an specific forum for "madhatters" (stemming from "wearing the two hats"). The situation is horrible, horrible. It's obvious while the "war" started with an affair the RA just scalate it. There's no going back. The original betrayed is always right, no matter what, even after years and years of RAs. A nightmare.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

cpacan said:


> I am honestly curious about this topic and the thoughts behind, other than the generic "two wrongs don't make a right". And just to make it clear, I am absolutely in no way out to hurt someone here, just trying to understand it.
> 
> When a WS is perfectly capable of rationalizing/justifying an affair for them selves, why does it worsen the situation when the former LS does the very same thing? Why can't that be rationalized as well? Does the hamster only work on ones own actions?
> 
> I mean, if I punch someone in the face, I wouldn't be surprised to find myself with a bleeding nose afterwards, and I don't think I would complain much about the pain either. (There you go, I am obviously not a violent person.)


I wonder this too. I wonder if I cheated if he would do it to get back at me. He hired a hooker to get back at me for not believing he hadn't had sex with anyone yet. There's a 'revenge affair' for you, a backwards one!


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

This topic is discussed a lot on this site (for obvious reasons).

I will repeat my view that I've said several times before.

There is no right or wrong on revenge as it is a VERY personality driven thing.

Some people should never do it. The guilt they experience after they have achieved revenge makes their situation and emotional state worse.

Others are very different.They have a deep desire to pay back those who have injured them with no cause. For these people, passively accepting the wrong others have done them further injures them and lowers their self-esteem.

I do not think there is a right or wrong to this issue as long as you are true to yourself as a person.


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