# Traveling alone when married.



## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

Is it appropriate for a spouse to go off alone for ten days to volunteer in a third world country (30 hours by plane) and leave the other spouse and two babies behind? Especially if they live 500 miles from friends and family. What is everyone's opinions?
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## Lilly_daddy (Jul 4, 2009)

Hell No! I wouldn't go and leave my family behind for anything so I would expect my spouse to do the same...families exist as one.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

One of my co-workers' wives just did that...she went to Haiti to help with a group from their church for a month. Hubby joined her when he was able to take some vacation from work. They left the kids with grandma when they were both gone; he cared for them otherwise. They were all happy to help.

The point is, it doesn't matter what others think. If it's not ok with you, then he needs to take that into consideration. He also needs to consider how much he does with the kids and whether that's too big a burden to leave you alone with them.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

With babies? No this wouldn't be okay with me.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

center1 said:


> Is it appropriate for a spouse to go off alone for ten days to volunteer in a third world country (30 hours by plane) and leave the other spouse and two babies behind? Especially if they live 500 miles from friends and family. What is everyone's opinions?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I see it as having improper priorities and in a way being unfaithful. YMMV.


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## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

The Haiti situation sounds a bit different in that it sounds like they were in this group together. It sounds like this is some passion that they share.
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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Personally, I would not do that to my spouse under a volunteer situation. As the wife of a career navy guy, I know how difficult it is to be the sole caretaker of children when there is nobody nearby to assist. 

Curious. Is this volunteer situation connected to his job, giving him a padded resume for future position consideration? Is it "volunteer", but expected? In other words, if he doesn't do it, could it hurt his job? Will the family benefit in any way? Did he talk to you before he volunteered and if so, what did you tell him and what was his reaction?


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## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

Yes, his priorities are comets out of line. My girlfriends talked about a three day girl trip about a year ago and he told me that it is inappropriate for a spouse to take a separate vacation and that I could not go. At the time I agreed so I didn't care. It's just interesting how the rules change so drastically when he wants to leave for almost 2 weeks.
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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

center1 said:


> Yes, his priorities are comets out of line. My girlfriends talked about a three day girl trip about a year ago and he told me that it is inappropriate for a spouse to take a separate vacation and that I could not go. At the time I agreed so I didn't care. It's just interesting how the rules change so drastically when he wants to leave for almost 2 weeks.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Can you verify that this "volunteer" trip is legit?


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## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

No, not connected at all to his job and it will not benefit our family. This is strictly his volunteer enjoyment. He still wants to do the things that he did when he was single and he struggles all of the time because he can't. He blames me because he can't work out like he used to because I make him spend time with me.
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## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

Yes it's a legit foundation. No question there.
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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

So he is taking his vacation to do this? Otherwise he supports his family?


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## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

Yes, and I won't get a vacation because he used his time and our money for this.
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## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

Again I should mention that again, this would not fly if it were me wanting to do it. He put his foot down when my girlfriends wanted three days and told me it would be "inappropriate".
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## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

But I guess the details aren't important. I just really wanted to know who if many people would be okay with separate vacations in their marriage.
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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

center1 said:


> Yes, and I won't get a vacation because he used his time and our money for this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I probably have a different view for most but I see this as a level of being unfaithful. You should have told him this was unacceptable.


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## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

Entropy3000 said:


> I probably have a different view for most but I see this as a level of being unfaithful. You should have told him this was unacceptable.


I do agree. The reason I asked is because I plan to tell him that this will never happen again. I'm expecting a huge fight because like I said, he still wants to do the things he did when he was single. This isn't okay with me. I didn't get married to sit around alone for 10 days while my husband takes his own vacation. It's not fair and I won't tolerate it again.
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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

What is his history of similar volunteer trips? How many of these trips has he done? Did he go because he got something out of helping others, or did he view it as a vacation with friends, enjoying the downtime? Does he know the people who would be going on the current trip?


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

center1 said:


> Is it appropriate for a spouse to go off alone for ten days to volunteer in a third world country (30 hours by plane) and leave the other spouse and two babies behind? Especially if they live 500 miles from friends and family. What is everyone's opinions?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't think that this is fair to you and your family at all. He has used a lot of family money for this, he's saddling you with the babies for almost two weeks without the benefit of extended family help, and there's no benefit to the family from his efforts. I mean, good for him that he wants to help others, but his priorities seem a bit skewed here. 

He couldn't find some kind of volunteer situation closer to where you live that would not be as expensive nor as what it sounds like he's doing? Not only that, but he is being hypocritical and selfish with his traveling alone for so long and not letting you go away for three days, previously. 

As for separate vacations in a marriage, I don't think that it's a good thing in any situation. It's best to put your foot down now like you said you would and let him know in no uncertain terms that what he's doing is out of line for your family situation and that he needs to re-think his priorities.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

center1 said:


> Is it appropriate for a spouse to go off alone for ten days to volunteer in a third world country (30 hours by plane) and leave the other spouse and two babies behind? Especially if they live 500 miles from friends and family. What is everyone's opinions?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It really depends if he did this kind of stuff before your marriage with your approval. If he did it without your approval did you tell him? If he did it and you said nothing then from his point of view you accept this.

If the babies are a lot of work and you want a vacation then tell him. However for many many people volunteer work is essential to their soul. My BIL and SIL often do volunteer work apart from each other for a month at a time. There is an adult volunteer for my sons Boy Scout troop that doesn't have a kid in the troop. He volunteers to give back for what he gain as an Eagle Scout. He just had a baby and he still is active and does trips.

So the question is is he feeding his soul or trying to escape? Separate vacations are not necessarily a problem if done for the something that defines the person.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

center1 said:


> My girlfriends talked about a three day girl trip about a year ago and he told me that it is inappropriate for a spouse to take a separate vacation and that I could not go. At the time I agreed so I didn't care. It's just interesting how the rules change so drastically when he wants to leave for almost 2 weeks.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But he was wrong at that time. There's nothing "inappropriate" about a spouse taking a vacation away from the family (as long as it isn't causing problems in other ways like financial problems, infidelity, etc), and Entropy it's ludicrous to call this situation being "unfaithful". And to be fair to your husband, there is a difference between taking a pleasure trip with your girlfriends vs. going to a third-world country for humanitarian work. 

*HOWEVER*.... while it's appropriate and there's nothing unfaithful about it, it's certainly not fair to you if he is using up all his vacation time. If he goes away for two weeks, you should also get a break from the family as well. 

Couples DON'T have to be joined at the hip 24/7 in order to have a good marriage!! But time spent apart should not be excessive, and it should be fair to both sides.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

center1 said:


> No, not connected at all to his job and it will not benefit our family. This is strictly his volunteer enjoyment. He still wants to do the things that he did when he was single and he struggles all of the time because he can't. He blames me because he can't work out like he used to because I make him spend time with me.


How many hours a week does he usually spend with you? What do you do when the two of you are spending time together?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So why can't you put your foot down if he can do it to you? Do not establish a precedent of double standards and you being his doormat. Also, think long and hard about whether you want to be married to someone that is too immature and selfish to be married. You shouldn't have to "make him" spend time with you; at this point he is not good husband material.
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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

If your not OK with it, the the answer is NO.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Theseus said:


> But he was wrong at that time. There's nothing "inappropriate" about a spouse taking a vacation away from the family (as long as it isn't causing problems in other ways like financial problems, infidelity, etc), and Entropy it's ludicrous to call this situation being "unfaithful". And to be fair to your husband, there is a difference between taking a pleasure trip with your girlfriends vs. going to a third-world country for humanitarian work.
> 
> *HOWEVER*.... while it's appropriate and there's nothing unfaithful about it, it's certainly not fair to you if he is using up all his vacation time. If he goes away for two weeks, you should also get a break from the family as well.
> 
> Couples DON'T have to be joined at the hip 24/7 in order to have a good marriage!! But time spent apart should not be excessive, and it should be fair to both sides.


That's just maybe what work for you. Separate vacation may not work for other couple and in that case it IS inappropriate for that couple. You really can't say what's okay for another couple when it come to something like vacation. Its not one size fit all.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> That's just maybe what work for you. Separate vacation may not work for other couple and in that case it IS inappropriate for that couple. You really can't say what's okay for another couple when it come to something like vacation. Its not one size fit all.



Well, now you are turning this into a debate over the definition of "inappropriate". I said that I believed what the husband was doing is wrong, but the trip in and of itself isn't inappropriate - but there was definitely something wrong in how he handled it and how he is using up all their vacation time. The OP asked us the question in general terms, so I responded in general terms. We don't know them personally. 

It's true that separate vacations are not "one size fits all", but honestly it's not healthy (not to mention irritating for others) when couples to refuse to go anywhere or do anything without their partners, and act like their partner must be with them at all times.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My husband flies to Alaska for 10 nights to go salmon fishing. I'm stuck home with the 3 kids for 10 nights myself and I really don't mind. It was a little harder when the kids were babies, but I managed. 

I love salmon and he brings home 40lbs of it every year he goes. He deserves a break. He works very hard to provide for us and makes sure the kids and I are always happy and taken care of.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

My husband often traveled for non-business reasons when our children were babies and had much the same attitude that you say your husband has. I was always gaslighted into believing that I was 'selfish' for not wanting him to live his life in a way that would make him happy. No matter that you had to scrape me off the walls at the end of every day with two babies and a career. My exhaustion and pain was irrelevant to him if it meant that it deterred him from living his life exactly as he wanted to.

This is a selfish mindset, in my opinion. It created no end of trouble in our marriage. It is essentially disrespectful.

We are many years past this, but if my husband hadn't eventually grown up regarding this very issue, I doubt we would have made it. Marriage is a partnership. Things change when you have children. Life doesn't just go on like before because you say it does. Your H needs to grow up and start feeling some real empathy for you. If he's anything like my H was, he sees you as his adversary in this. This is corrosive and he needs to be disabused of it asap or you will find that your good will is abused until you are ready to walk out the door.

(ETA: my H also traveled 40-50% of the time for business as well.)


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> My husband flies to Alaska for 10 nights to go salmon fishing. I'm stuck home with the 3 kids for 10 nights myself and I really don't mind. It was a little harder when the kids were babies, but I managed.
> 
> I love salmon and he brings home 40lbs of it every year he goes. He deserves a break. He works very hard to provide for us and makes sure the kids and I are always happy and taken care of.


Did he tell you that you were not allowed to have any time for yourself to take a few days?

I think that the issue here is fair treatment... if one can go on a trip, so can the other. And "policy of joint agreement" is a big issue here.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

center1 said:


> Is it appropriate for a spouse to go off alone for ten days to volunteer in a third world country (30 hours by plane) and leave the other spouse and two babies behind? Especially if they live 500 miles from friends and family. What is everyone's opinions?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why not? Is it a passion of theirs? Do you have a tit for tat marriage?

I always put my wife's needs above my own. She travels 3-4 times a year to 3rd world countries doing medical missions mainly at orphanages. She truly enjoys it and it's not super cheap! I love her to death and she works hard and deserves to indulge in things she enjoys. These trips are normally 7-9 days!

I go on trips to (alone) usually because we can't get off work at the same time, I get a ton more time off then her though make more, and someone has to be home with the kids.

I will usually take a little 3 day trip every 4-6 weeks. Go see a comedian, sports event, musical, or just drive a scenic route and hit restaurants that are on the Food Network.

Live life, enjoy it, I say let them go and support them in it. Embrace the things you and enjoy and let your spouse help you fulfull your dreams and wants too.

**After reading your other posts it seems there is double standard in your house. That needs to be worked on!! Sorry, and best of luck. I'm a huge advocate in family trips, solo excursions, and hubby/wife time too. Life is short!!**


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Not with young babies. A few days maybe, but 30 uh how bout Noooo!


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Your husband sounds immature.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Did he tell you that you were not allowed to have any time for yourself to take a few days?
> 
> I think that the issue here is fair treatment... if one can go on a trip, so can the other. And "policy of joint agreement" is a big issue here.


Oh no. I can go whenever I want to as well. I prefer not to, especially now with my neck disability.

I took one trip alone to meet up with a friend and her daughter that I met on the Internet for 4 nights along the west coast! We had a blast, but this was before my injury! I'm not sure if I'll take another trip. I prefer to stay home.

My hubby has also taken the kids on the weekends during the summer months. I absolutely love the salmon he brings home. It's much cheaper for him to fish for it and bring it home vs buying it at the store.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

There is no general 'appropriate' or 'inappropriate' to what he wants to do. It's got to be a joint decision.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

If you have young babies, you're both in need of a holiday and this should be done as a family. Taking from his own young family (ie using all the available holiday fund) in order to follow his dreams and give to others is not the way for a spouse to behave.

Charity begins at home.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

I think I can see both sides of this.

One parent stuck at home with the kids and having to go without a family vacation the other passionate about “doing their bit” to make the world a better place.

Neither of them has it all right, the first think they need to do as a couple and then as a family is agree a common set of priorities / ground rules. 

These are the sorts of things that I feel couples should talk about before they get married and revisit on a regular basis, priorities may have to change when you have young children, if time / money are tight what suffers first, are moral / religious obligations equally important to both parties.

I will admit a predisposition to “do my bit”, I was brought up to take an active role in my community (church, scouts, as a child. military, first responder as an adult etc) and when I first came out of the military I did do overseas work (both paid and unpaid). However once I married and had a family to support I have contended that side of my personality by either raising funds / awareness for groups or working at a local level. I am lucky as my wife shares my belief in “community action” and is active in helping others even if she does prefer local self / mutual help organizations (We are both members of the local “time bank” but I tend to just donate my time were as my wife likes to trade hers).


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My husband and I worked this out together. We both have complete trust in one another to not "stray" from our marriage. We also(or use to) take many vacations together as a family. We spend a great deal of time together as a family and one on one time together. This works out for us. I have no issues of my husband going on his fishing or hunting trips. Actually I absolutely love the fresh hormone free food he brings home for the family.  He also does not travel alone, he goes along with his family whether it's his brothers or cousin.

When one of us makes a plan to leave, we give each other about an 8 month notice. Neither of us leave at a moments time unless it's an urgent situation. 

This has worked well for us as a couple. My husband loves to travel and I prefer to stay home due to health reasons. I always enjoy the company of my children. They are very well behaved and a joy to be around.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I think this guys is neglecting his wife and family.


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## Boottothehead (Sep 3, 2013)

If there weren't a double standard, I would be okay with it. We've each had separate vacations and enjoyed them, but there is a definite reciprocity. If your H flat out told you no, then he doesn't get a pass.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

I wouldn't be okay with separate vacations but I would respect my spouses compassionate need as a human to help other humans in dire need.
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## librarydragon (Aug 20, 2011)

center1 said:


> Yes, his priorities are comets out of line. My girlfriends talked about a three day girl trip about a year ago and he told me that it is inappropriate for a spouse to take a separate vacation and that I could not go. At the time I agreed so I didn't care. It's just interesting how the rules change so drastically when he wants to leave for almost 2 weeks.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What were YOU planning to do in your three days away? Go build shelters somewhere?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

librarydragon said:


> What were YOU planning to do in your three days away? Go build shelters somewhere?


Strange question. What would it matter what she was going to do with those three days (as long as no cheating, etc)? If she wanted to go sunbath on the beach, it's her choice how she relaxes.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

soulseer said:


> I wouldn't be okay with separate vacations but I would respect my spouses compassionate need as a human to help other humans in dire need.


He could help out the needy in his own town. It does not require weeks away from his wife and children and large sums of money.


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## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> My husband flies to Alaska for 10 nights to go salmon fishing. I'm stuck home with the 3 kids for 10 nights myself and I really don't mind. It was a little harder when the kids were babies, but I managed.
> 
> I love salmon and he brings home 40lbs of it every year he goes. He deserves a break. He works very hard to provide for us and makes sure the kids and I are always happy and taken care of.


That's good but there's at least something in it for the family (salmon meals) that you enjoy. This is a bit different.
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## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

Theseus said:


> But he was wrong at that time. There's nothing "inappropriate" about a spouse taking a vacation away from the family (as long as it isn't causing problems in other ways like financial problems, infidelity, etc), and Entropy it's ludicrous to call this situation being "unfaithful". And to be fair to your husband, there is a difference between taking a pleasure trip with your girlfriends vs. going to a third-world country for humanitarian work.
> 
> *HOWEVER*.... while it's appropriate and there's nothing unfaithful about it, it's certainly not fair to you if he is using up all his vacation time. If he goes away for two weeks, you should also get a break from the family as well.
> 
> Couples DON'T have to be joined at the hip 24/7 in order to have a good marriage!! But time spent apart should not be excessive, and it should be fair to both sides.


I disagree that there's a difference. What I enjoy and what he enjoys on a vacation may be different but he has no automatic rights to go because it's volunteer work. His priority is this family and if others need him more, then he needs to be single. There is no way I would tolerate the attitude that he can go because of what he's doi g while I can't because what I'm doing isn't important enough. Not gonna work for this family. Sorry. Glad it works for you though.
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## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> How many hours a week does he usually spend with you? What do you do when the two of you are spending time together?


Not many. He's a workaholic. And when he is here, he *****es that he can't workout like he did when he was single because I make him spend time with me.
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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

He's not going to Disneyland. People need help and he's stepping up to help them. Not sure which 3d world country he's going to or what he intends to do, but the needs are huge. I've been deployed twice for over a year each time and I go out of town, frequently out of the country, on missions or for training. Maybe the OP can't drop everything and save people around the world but she's in a position to help by sharing her husband. The world is chock full of men who care for only themselves. She has one willing to give of himself, risk his health and maybe his life to help folks he doesn't even know. I would think a woman would be proud to be married to such a guy.


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## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

librarydragon said:


> What were YOU planning to do in your three days away? Go build shelters somewhere?


Does it matter as long as I was doing something I enjoyed? So now he sets the rules as to why it is ok for him to do what he wants but because I'm not interested in the same I can't go? That's not even logical. Who says what's important and why does our marriage owe anyone else anything? Rethink your logic. That WILL NOT fly here. And, as far as building shelters, He needs to build them here, at home. Home, where the house is falling apart because he's never here and everything is rigged with duct tape because of his neglect.
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## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> He's not going to Disneyland. People need help and he's stepping up to help them. Not sure which 3d world country he's going to or what he intends to do, but the needs are huge. I've been deployed twice for over a year each time and I go out of town, frequently out of the country, on missions or for training. Maybe the OP can't drop everything and save people around the world but she's in a position to help by sharing her husband. The world is chock full of men who care for only themselves. She has one willing to give of himself, risk his health and maybe his life to help folks he doesn't even know. I would think a woman would be proud to be married to such a guy.


Then he needs to be single, period! His priority is US, NOT them. This is inexcusable to leave me here 500 miles away from everyone with two babies and a house falling apart from his neglect. I have two herniated discs and can hardly function to mow the lawn that is huge. No I'm NOT proud of a "man" that does this to his family. Not proud at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

Thanks everyone for your opinions. It has helped and I'm clear now on how I feel and what I need to see in my marriage going forward. I appreciate you sharing with me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

center1 said:


> Yes, and I won't get a vacation because he used his time and our money for this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I have this issue with my H, every year he travels to take part in a competition for his hobby. He is gone 4 or 5 days, and I don't mind that part at all. But I do get sick of hearing that we can't afford a vacation, or new carpet, or plumbing work that we need because he took this trip.


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