# Husband obsessed with video games



## Lauriea777

I’m very new to this but I’m ready to give up... My husband sits In Front of the tv for 8 hours a day playing video games. We do not speak. He can’t tear himself away from it even when his family comes to visit. He’s completely awkward when speaking to me if he notices I’m there at all but is non stop chatter when his headphones are on. He ignores the kids. Does little to nothing around the house. When I finally get fed up he verbally abuses me. I don’t know what to do.


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## Laurentium

Is this since lockdown? Or has he always been a video game addict?



Lauriea777 said:


> He ignores the kids.


That's not really acceptable.


Lauriea777 said:


> When I finally get fed up he verbally abuses me.


That neither. 
So when you "get fed up", how exactly do you show it?


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## EleGirl

This is a problem that is becoming more and more common. 

Some more info would be helpful, so I have some questions.

Does your husband have a job? 

Do you have a job or are you a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM)?

You say that it's non-stop chatter. So is he online talking to other people who are also gaming?

How long has he being doing this?

How long have the two of you been married and how long are the two of you?

It's almost 3 am here where I live... so i need to get some sleep. I'll check on your thread here when I'm back online.


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## Lauriea777

Laurentium said:


> Is this since lockdown? Or has he always been a video game addict?
> 
> That's not really acceptable.
> 
> That neither.
> So when you "get fed up", how exactly do you show it?


He’s always been a gamer but he could somewhat control it when he was working. ImWhen I get fed up I confront him. Ask him how much is enough, when will he put effort into our marriage and children. Then he explodes.


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## Lauriea777

EleGirl said:


> This is a problem that is becoming more and more common.
> 
> Some more info would be helpful, so I have some questions.
> 
> Does your husband have a job?
> 
> Do you have a job or are you a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM)?
> 
> You say that it's non-stop chatter. So is he online talking to other people who are also gaming?
> 
> How long has he being doing this?
> 
> How long have the two of you been married and how long are the two of you?
> 
> It's almost 3 am here where I live... so i need to get some sleep. I'll check on your thread here when I'm back online.


We have been married for 6 years. We are both home due to lay-offs for Covid-19. Yes the non stop chatter is with his online friends. It is a complete nightmare. I hate my marriage. I’m starting to resent him. I carry the load of keeping our home in motion. I am at the point of wanting completely out. I can’t talk to him or anyone it seems. It’s so lonely.


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## Lauriea777

Lauriea777 said:


> He’s always been a gamer but he could somewhat control it when he was working. ImWhen I get fed up I confront him. Ask him how much is enough, when will he put effort into our marriage and children. Then he explodes.


It has gotten out of control since the lockdown.


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## Laurentium

Lauriea777 said:


> When I get fed up I confront him. Ask him how much is enough, when will he put effort into our marriage and children. Then he explodes.


... so now you know THAT doesn't work. What else could you try?


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## Girl_power

Leave him. This isn’t a marriage, he is completely selfish.


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## Mr. Nail

Girl_power said:


> Leave him. This isn’t a marriage, he is completely selfish.


My wife spends the majority of her awake and non working time reading romance novels on her kindle. Not even good stuff. In order to contain costs she has a kindle unlimited account. I seperated our amazon accounts so I didn't have to see her shopping suggestions. I'm pretty certain that there is no enough. 

Sometimes I feel guilty for spending a few hours gaming, but really there is no one to give it up for.


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## Girl_power

Mr. Nail said:


> My wife spends the majority of her awake and non working time reading romance novels on her kindle. Not even good stuff. In order to contain costs she has a kindle unlimited account. I seperated our amazon accounts so I didn't have to see her shopping suggestions. I'm pretty certain that there is no enough.
> 
> Sometimes I feel guilty for spending a few hours gaming, but really there is no one to give it up for.


8hrs is a lot of gaming. But when you actually ignore your loved ones because Of it is the real problem. 
This guy needs a reality check. You shouldn’t be taken your spouse for granted or else they will be gone.


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## She'sStillGotIt

Laurentium said:


> *... so now you know THAT doesn't work. What else could you try?*


An all-expense paid trip to the curb, courtesy of the OP's left foot. That's what she should try.

Who the hell wants to be married to a lazy, obnoxious, abusive, moronic fool with the emotional maturity of a 12 year old boy?


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## Laurentium

She'sStillGotIt said:


> An all-expense paid trip to the curb, courtesy of the OP's left foot. That's what she should try.


That's certainly one option! To be borne in mind.


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## Yeswecan

Lauriea777 said:


> I’m very new to this but I’m ready to give up... My husband sits In Front of the tv for 8 hours a day playing video games. We do not speak. He can’t tear himself away from it even when his family comes to visit. He’s completely awkward when speaking to me if he notices I’m there at all but is non stop chatter when his headphones are on. He ignores the kids. Does little to nothing around the house. When I finally get fed up he verbally abuses me. I don’t know what to do.


This is a easy one. Tell your H the video games go or your go. And mean it! That worked in my marriage. Don't let your H claim it is a "hobby". Hobbies do not take up 8 hours a day. Obsessions do.


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## Marduk

"Husband, pick: video games 2 hours or less a day like a grown up, or divorce. At this point, I'm hoping you pick divorce."

Then just walk away. Get a lawyer and all that stuff sorted, because he's not going to pick you.


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## jlg07

He is obviously immature and has no self-control.
He needs to agree to gaming ONLY during certain hours and for a certain amount of time:
2 hours between 1PM and 3PM daily.
Other than THAT he needs to be engaged with the family and things that need to be done around the house.


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## Lauriea777

Thank you all so much for your opinions and suggestions


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

jlg07 said:


> He is obviously immature and has no self-control.
> He needs to agree to gaming ONLY during certain hours and for a certain amount of time:
> 2 hours between 1PM and 3PM daily.
> Other than THAT he needs to be engaged with the family and things that need to be done around the house.


 I gotta go with Marduk on this one.

Good for you to be addressing sooner rather than later.

Just one more time: You've got to be clear to H the amount of time in video games combined with demonstrated lack of his desire to interact with family isn't creating a normal family life and you'll leave him to his video games if he wants them more than a relationship. 

And have a plan. Ask him to leave the house. 

Act as soon as he waffles if making a big deal about the choice. That indicates he'll not be making a decision to stay because he loves you but out of inconvenience if separating. 

Save yourself. 

Then you can look back and know you did all that could be done, and you'll start to heal faster.


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## EleGirl

Lauriea777,

I agree with the others here. Ultimatums should be given very sparingly in a marriage, but this is one of the rare times when it's needed.

Gaming over 2 hours a day is excessive for a married man with children. Even 2 hours a day can be excessive under some circumstances.

I've been through this with a husband who lost his job due to 9/11. After that he was online gaming every waking hour of the day. He never really looked for another job. He ignored his children (he had 100% custody of his 2 children from his first marriage), he ignored me, the house, everything.

I finally made him see a psychiatrist. He was diagnosed with AD/HD which he has always had and with Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). The psychiatrist told me that they have found that people with AD/HD often develop OCD from computer gaming. It has to do with how it messes with their brain. The doc put him on meds for AD/HD & OCD and he went to weekly appointments for a while. The only difference I could see that that meds made was that they helped him concentrate even better on the gaming. After a few months he stopped the meds and the appointments.

By the way, I went to the first psychiatrist appointment with my husband. After talking to us for a while, he looked at me and said, I can understand why he's married to you; but i cannot understand why you are still married to him. 

I divorced him in 2012 because this never stopped the computer gaming. I only stayed with him that long because I was not going to put his 2 children and my son through yet another divorce. So once they all graduated from high school I filed for divorce.

There are two books that I think would help you in gaining confidence in what to say to him about what you need from him. When you give him the ultimatum, you need to be ready to tell him what you need. And you seem a bit unsure about what you can rightly expect/demand. The books are "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Steve Harley. They are a quick read. Read them in that order and do the work they say to do.

Then, give him the ultimatum. If he responds with wanting to work on the marriage, you will be ready to talk to him about it in very clear terms. And give him the books and tell him to read them and then the two of you do the work the books suggest together. 

For example, per the books, his gaming is a love buster so he has to stop it except for some set number of hours a day. And he can not even play for those hours until he's spend 15 hours a week with you in quality time, until he's done his fair share of caring for his children, housework, cooking, etc.

If he cannot do that, then just file for divorce as soon as you can. In the mean time do nothing for him. Do you do his laundry? Stop doing it. He's a big boy and can do his own laundry. Do you pick up after him? Stop it. Get a box and just throw anything he leaves around in the box. When it is filled and he's not put the stuff away, throw it all away (you can store anything that is actually valuable). Don't cook for him. He can live on whatever he can throw together. Just take care of yourself and your children.


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## EleGirl

On another note. Can you hear what he's talking about with the other gamers? Does it sound like he's talking to other men, or is he talking with women?


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## Laurentium

EleGirl said:


> Does it sound like he's talking to other men, or is he talking with women?


There are women gamers??


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## Lauriea777

EleGirl said:


> On another note. Can you hear what he's talking about with the other gamers? Does it sound like he's talking to other men, or is he talking with women?


I don’t listen. Women or men. He doesn’t speak to me. I wish he were cheating it would make it so much easier to leave.


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## EleGirl

Laurentium said:


> There are women gamers??


Yep, there are. You know this right?

I used to do it, until gaming became a problem in our relationship. Just never did it as much as he did.


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## EleGirl

Lauriea777 said:


> I don’t listen. Women or men. He doesn’t speak to me. I wish he were cheating it would make it so much easier to leave.


You might want to listen. If you cannot get close enough without looking suspicious, get a voice activated recorder and hide it someone near where he games.

When my husband was gaming like that, I got a key stroke monitor and put it on his computer. Found out that he was cheating with some of the female gamers.


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## Mr. Nail

Lauriea777 said:


> I don’t listen. Women or men. He doesn’t speak to me. *I wish he were cheating it would make it so much easier to leav*e.


Actually it doesn't make it easier to leave, Mostly it makes it more uncomfortable to stay. 
What you are contemplating is applying a permanent solution to a temporary problem. 
You are trying to compensate for your overall loss of control in life by micromanaging the one person who you thought was most under your control.
My reminder is that your Adult partner will be the key to returning to life control.


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## zookeeper

Your husband is a pathetic child. I hope you are treating him as such across the board. Yes, I'm talking about not having sex with him but I'm not sure why you would have any attraction to him at this point anyway.


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## Yeswecan

Laurentium said:


> There are women gamers??


You betcha there is.


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## WandaJ

Laurentium said:


> There are women gamers??


more than you think. they often go under man's name because of the abuse from male gamers though


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## Lauriea777

Mr. Nail said:


> Actually it doesn't make it easier to leave, Mostly it makes it more uncomfortable to stay.
> What you are contemplating is applying a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
> You are trying to compensate for your overall loss of control in life by micromanaging the one person who you thought was most under your control.
> My reminder is that your Adult partner will be the key to returning to life control.


I have never had any control over him. We live in a city where he grew up. Where his entire family still lives. He has all of his friends from high school to lean on. He golfs, he’s is on several basketball teams. He has freedom to do whatever he likes when ever he likes within in reason. Gaming for that amount of time is not reasonable under any circumstance. I did finally put my foot down and told him the constant gaming is out of control. He said he isn’t on love with me and hasn’t been for a long tome. That he wants me to move and start the divorce filing procedures.


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## MattMatt

Nope. He wrecked the marriage he gets to move.


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## EleGirl

Lauriea777 said:


> I have never had any control over him. We live in a city where he grew up. Where his entire family still lives. He has all of his friends from high school to lean on. He golfs, he’s is on several basketball teams. He has freedom to do whatever he likes when ever he likes within in reason. Gaming for that amount of time is not reasonable under any circumstance. I did finally put my foot down and told him the constant gaming is out of control. He said he isn’t on love with me and hasn’t been for a long tome. That he wants me to move and start the divorce filing procedures.


He is asking you to move out with the children? Or is he expecting you to move and leave the children with him?

Why is he expecting you and the children to move? (I'm assuming this is what he meant.) It's horribly selfish for him to expect his children's life to be turned upside down like this.

Do you own a home or are you renting?

Whatever you do, do not move out. Especially do not move out with the children unless you have a written agreement with him to do this. I did move out with our son, then my ex hired a lawyer, called an emergency court hearing and the judge gave him 100% custody of our son because I had no proof that there was cause to move out and/or that he agreed to it. I moved back into our home and stopped the divorce to nullify the 100% custody order. Then was a lot smarter when I filed the 2nd time.

What are your thoughts now? Are you going to file for divorce?


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## Lauriea777

EleGirl said:


> He is asking you to move out with the children? Or is he expecting you to move and leave the children with him?
> 
> Why is he expecting you and the children to move? (I'm assuming this is what he meant.) It's horribly selfish for him to expect his children's life to be turned upside down like this.
> 
> Do you own a home or are you renting?
> 
> Whatever you do, do not move out. Especially do not move out with the children unless you have a written agreement with him to do this. I did move out with our son, then my ex hired a lawyer, called an emergency court hearing and the judge gave him 100% custody of our son because I had no proof that there was cause to move out and/or that he agreed to it. I moved back into our home and stopped the divorce to nullify the 100% custody order. Then was a lot smarter when I filed the 2nd time.
> 
> What are your thoughts now? Are you going to file for divorce?


I’m completely exhausted. I married with the intent of staying married. He doesn’t understand that a marriage is give and take. He purchased a car without me. I was devastated and only found out because he needed my signature. Again living in his hometown hours away from my own family I am completely alone. When we have an argument he becomes very verbally abusive. In front of the children or when we’re alone he has no control of the names he calls me. It’s humiliating and so hurtful. I do not under any circumstance join in in the name calling because that’s not what I want my children to remember. Our home is in his name only. He conned me into depleting my 401k for the down payment but because of some pretty hefty medical bills in my name the financiers decided it would be best to put it in his name for the time being. There’s no way I can afford the mortgage on my own. The town we live in is so small there’s nothing available for me to rent. I feel trapped and alone. I have nowhere to go and no one to talk to. When we fight he leaves and spends time with his family while I’m stuck alone. I don’t remember the last time he’s made plans with me or asked me to spend time. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and I’m so tired.


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## EleGirl

Lauriea777 said:


> I’m completely exhausted. I married with the intent of staying married. He doesn’t understand that a marriage is give and take. He purchased a car without me. I was devastated and only found out because he needed my signature. Again living in his hometown hours away from my own family I am completely alone. When we have an argument he becomes very verbally abusive. In front of the children or when we’re alone he has no control of the names he calls me. It’s humiliating and so hurtful. I do not under any circumstance join in in the name calling because that’s not what I want my children to remember. Our home is in his name only. He conned me into depleting my 401k for the down payment but because of some pretty hefty medical bills in my name the financiers decided it would be best to put it in his name for the time being. There’s no way I can afford the mortgage on my own. The town we live in is so small there’s nothing available for me to rent. I feel trapped and alone. I have nowhere to go and no one to talk to. When we fight he leaves and spends time with his family while I’m stuck alone. I don’t remember the last time he’s made plans with me or asked me to spend time. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and I’m so tired.


Your situation does sound rather awful.

In most states, it does not matter if the home is in his name only. A spouse whose name is not on the deed still has 50% rights to the asset. If/when you file for divorce, you will most likely be able to get 50% of the value of the home. He would have to buy you out to keep it.

He also cannot kick you out of the house. It's your legal residence. He would have to go to court to get a court order to kick you out. It is highly unlikely that any judge would order you out of the home before a divorce is final. And even then, a judge would be unlikely to kick you and your children out.


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## EleGirl

Further...

What percentage of your joint income do you earn?

If you file for divorce and you earn less that he does, you will get what is called interim alimony and child support until the divorce is final. Once the divorce is final you will get child support. Additionally you will most likely be able to get at least rehabilitative alimony for a few years, if not life long. 

He might also be ordered to pay the mortgage on the home during the divorce until he buys you out.

In regards to your 401K money that you put into the down payment. Did you earn that 401K money before you married? If it was your sole property, and you can prove that you put it in as a down payment, you might also be able to get those funds back before all remaining assets are divided 50/50.

Your husband seems to think that you have no rights. If you file for divorce he's going to get quite an eye opener.

You need to look for a very good attorney. Don't tell him what you are doing. Get your ducks in a row and then have him served.

You have so much more power in this situation than you realize.


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## EleGirl

WandaJ said:


> more than you think. they often go under man's name because of the abuse from male gamers though


Something I learned when I was doing online gaming is that a lot of the 'female' gamers are men/boys. They tend to be people who want a lot of attention so they pay female online.


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## She'sStillGotIt

Lauriea777 said:


> I don’t listen. Women or men. He doesn’t speak to me. I wish he were cheating it would make it so much easier to leave.


That's just ANOTHER excuse spouses use when they're too afraid to do the heavy lifting required to move on to a better, more authentic life.

I can pretty much *guarantee* if this jerk WERE cheating, you'd just use the _"I can't hurt my kids so I'm staying for them" _excuse.

At least be honest with yourself.


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## She'sStillGotIt

Lauriea777 said:


> He purchased a car without me. I was devastated and only found out because he needed my signature. Again living in his hometown hours away from my own family I am completely alone. When we have an argument he becomes very verbally abusive. In front of the children or when we’re alone he has no control of the names he calls me. It’s humiliating and so hurtful. I do not under any circumstance join in in the name calling because that’s not what I want my children to remember. Our home is in his name only. He conned me into depleting my 401k for the down payment but because of some pretty hefty medical bills in my name the financiers decided it would be best to put it in his name for the time being. There’s no way I can afford the mortgage on my own. The town we live in is so small there’s nothing available for me to rent. I feel trapped and alone. I have nowhere to go and no one to talk to. When we fight he leaves and spends time with his family while I’m stuck alone. I don’t remember the last time he’s made plans with me or asked me to spend time. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and I’m so tired.


And *THIS* is the repulsive creep you'd take a bullet for.

How's THAT working for you?

You seriously need to see a professional for your co-dependency, OP.


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## st5555

> Laurentium said:
> There are women gamers??


Yep, there are. You know this right?

When I saw his comment, I assumed he was joking so I gave it a like for the humor. Let me know if it was serious so I know to unlike it or not.


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## Laurentium

st5555 said:


> When I saw his comment, I assumed he was joking so I gave it a like for the humor. Let me know if it was serious so I know to unlike it or not.


Yes, of course, I was being jokey. No offence intended.


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