# New Member^living in a sex less mariage



## CakewithoutIcy

Hello everyone,
This is my first post.
So here I go. 
My husband (30) and I (26) are not connect sexually. The only way I can become intimate with him is if I do what he wants which is oral. I have gone almost a year without" traditional sex" I think we have sex twice a year...maybe? I communicated with him about my needs and desires but he says it's annoying how I always ask . So I stop asking as much. We have a 4 year old and we've been together for 7 years. 
No, it wasn't like this before the kid. 
When I ask the answers I get are, "No, cause I don't want to", "not today" then I ask when , "idk". 
Hahah It's comical but literally chips away at my heart everytime I get rejected. 
I don't even know why I'm writing about it but I hope someone out here has some advice or something I can hold onto.


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## Personal

CakewithoutIcy said:


> I don't even know why I'm writing about it but I hope someone out here has some advice or something I can hold onto.


You should hold onto another man who wants to have sex with you.


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## TJW

CakewithoutIcy said:


> it wasn't like this before the kid.


I think your husband doesn't want another kid. Perhaps, he didn't want this one.....


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

You have a valid concern about this. It may be a health thing, he needs to get a physical, or it may be he's selfish and it may not get better. 

Be hopeful but eyes wide open while telling him clearly this is now a major problem. 

And that low frequency at those ages, child or no, is indeed a problem or sign of deeper troubles. 

Hang in there.


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## MattMatt

@CakewithoutIcy Does he reciprocate re oral sex? Or not?

I would suggest counselling as a couple, perhaps with someone who deals with sexual disfunctions.


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## CakewithoutIcy

Personal said:


> You should hold onto another man who wants to have sex with you.


I heard that! But I just want him:/


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## CakewithoutIcy

MattMatt said:


> @CakewithoutIcy Does he reciprocate re oral sex? Or not?
> 
> I would suggest counselling as a couple, perhaps with someone who deals with sexual disfunctions.


Only sometimes, my pleasure is not important to him. I emailed a sex therapist , I'm eager to see if he would even go.


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## CakewithoutIcy

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> You have a valid concern about this. It may be a health thing, he needs to get a physical, or it may be he's selfish and it may not get better.
> 
> Be hopeful but eyes wide open while telling him clearly this is now a major problem.
> 
> And that low frequency at those ages, child or no, is indeed a problem or sign of deeper troubles.
> 
> Hang in there.


Thank you I'm holding on until I cant. When I confided in my best friend she would always say,"he's a selfish lover" ..he's a scorpio so perhaps. I will keep my eyes open and hopefully he communicates with either me or a counselor.


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## CakewithoutIcy

TJW said:


> I think your husband doesn't want another kid. Perhaps, he didn't want this one.....


I think your right. But his attitudes didn't change even when I was on bc.


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## Blondilocks

CakewithoutIcy said:


> Only sometimes,* my pleasure is not important to him.* I emailed a sex therapist , I'm eager to see if he would even go.





CakewithoutIcy said:


> I heard that! *But I just want him:/*


Why?


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## D0nnivain

I too am in a sexless marriage but we don't have children. My husband also has ED so I know why we don't have sex. For your husband to expect you to service him but not even want to talk about your needs is selfish. 

Since this started after you had your child, I wonder if he has some kind of *****/Madonna complex where he now can't defile the mother of his child or he was grossed out because a baby came out of you. It really is a thing that some men can't handle. It's rare but it happens. I will be interested to hear what the sex therapist says.


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## MattMatt

D0nnivain said:


> I too am in a sexless marriage but we don't have children. My husband also has ED so I know why we don't have sex. For your husband to expect you to service him but not even want to talk about your needs is selfish.
> 
> Since this started after you had your child, I wonder if he has some kind of ***/Madonna complex where he now can't defile the mother of his child or he was grossed out because a baby came out of you. It really is a thing that some men can't handle. It's rare but it happens. I will be interested to hear what the sex therapist says.


Or he might be terrified of getting her pregnant?


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## FlaviusMaximus

Seems like you aren't getting much in the way of an explanation from him. He may have a physical issue but I'm assuming he "finishes" when you do oral.
If that's the case, a physical issue isn't likely. You'd be better off at this point letting him know that this is important enough for you to demand some sort of counseling or other remedy.
Going that long without intimate sex is a heavy burden on a marriage and won't get better on its own.


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## Manner1067

What changed after the child was born?

I have to ask this: did you gain a lot of weight that was never taken off? What is your health and fitness like?

He has clearly lost desire and attraction, and you need to be honest about the potential reasons behind this. Many men can't bring themselves to criticize their wive's weight and health, and will instead withhold sex and get depressed --very bad policy.

and if it isn't this, it has to be something else


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## CatholicDad

Sorry about what you’re going through. Do you know if he views pornography on a regular basis? This reminds me of other threads on here.


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