# Ladies, in dating, if a man denies you sex or less interested in it, deal breaker?



## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

OK, I am just trying to test the waters with dating after an LTR. Met this woman online. She pursued me for weeks. I think once I realized I would actually have to eventually meet someone, I was sorting panicing and told the woman I was still uneasy and new to this. I eventually met up with her at her request. Meet was super easy and casual. Actually zero tension at ALL. Had a great time, even left there and went to another place to eat. One thing lead to another and we were kissing and my hands were all in her business. She was just fine with it, trust me. I was a little surprised in myself. We ended up back at her place but I sort of had some issues here and put the brakes on. So I got her all hot, then did more handsy stuff at her place, then did not go through with it. Actually I was not sure I physically could!

But the next day she wanted to meet again. Met a few days later for dinner and back to her place to hang out. that lead to sex, once in eve, once morn. Neither time I came though! She requested that but my nerves were not working right. She seemed happy as a clam though, telling me I was able to hit all her buttons....maybe just feel good words, who knows. 

We met up again a couple days later. Were just hanging out and I was actually just going to go home. Truck was running and everything. The goodnight kiss turned very handzy again. I asked her what she wanted and she put my hand right where she wanted it. We got to the bedroom and I just could not physically get there! Drinking, late night, nerves, etc. We were naked and I tried to simply explain this is all pretty new for me and trying to work through it. I don't remember how I worded it. 

Anyway, she did not seem totally upset, but we pulled away and just talked in bed for an hour about life, and she sort of parted us! Something like we can still be friends, she knows I am just not ready, knew it was not going anywhere, etc. Just sort of threw me because my intent was to inform her that it is going to take me a bit to get all systems going correctly again. 

So.... Ladies, is this like a sign to you that a guy just isn't into you? Quickly run the other way? How do you read this? I mean, friends? Come on, we can't even hug wtihout that turning into an event so I fail to see how we would "just be friends" and not sure I would want that anyway.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Not a lady, but if I did that to any of the women that I've been with oh hell would they be pissed. Teasing can be fun, I do it too, but if you're getting her all hot and wet and bothered and then leaving her hanging not just once - but EACH time? 

Of course she'll be pissed off. She had ALOT of patience with you. Most women would have dropped you after the first night.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

bobsmith said:


> So.... Ladies, is this like* a sign to you that a guy just isn't into you? * Quickly run the other way? How do you read this? I mean, friends? Come on, we can't even hug wtihout that turning into an event so I fail to see how we would "just be friends" and not sure I would want that anyway.


I don’t take it that way however there are some women who do.

I wouldn’t worry about it because it sounds like this woman is in a big hurry to get to some version of a relationship that she envisions. A couple of dates and she’s already “knows” that it’s “not going anywhere” while being “all over you” both times? Seems strange to me.

Anyway, none of this is your problem. On to the next one. And, welcome to the world of OLD. I stick to meeting people IRL these days.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Sounds to me like she is just more interested in the sex than the relationship...


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Red Sonja said:


> I don’t take it that way however there are some women who do.
> 
> I wouldn’t worry about it because it sounds like this woman is in a big hurry to get to some version of a relationship that she envisions. A couple of dates and she’s already “knows” that it’s “not going anywhere” while being “all over you” both times? Seems strange to me.
> 
> Anyway, none of this is your problem. On to the next one. And, welcome to the world of OLD. I stick to meeting people IRL these days.


Ey? Thought you ladies have a 3 date rule or some such


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

My guess is you are between 45 and 55? 

Here is the deal, if you don't get hard, take a pill. Prob solved. 

But as you get older, and depending on the meds you take, it can take longer to O for a guy. 

Depending on the woman, mostly if she likes long intercourse, the can be great for the...But they want the payoff. 

I am a guy that always took a long time to O's, sounds great right, and overall it is. But as I got older it got to where I could have sex all day, literally, and not O. 

So first, don't freak out. Second, check your meds and see if any have this side effect. Third, tell your girl that this happens when you are older sometimes but that it still feels great. 

With my GF, I might be able to O in the morning, and then we have a couple more sessions and maybe I get there and maybe it is the last session of the night. 

She is extra happy when I O, she gets all giggly and what not. 

The other thing to know is that earlier in the session, usually when you are thinking that you don't want to O yet, there will be a "window" where if you concentrate only on your O, and really focus, you can get there, but if you miss it, it can take hours and several brakes to get there. Practice, practice, practice. 

I have always lasted a long time, I am not quite sure what bothers them, My GF will have 20 to 30 O's for my one. 

I know they want the payoff at the end but it takes longer these days...


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Ey? Thought you ladies have a 3 date rule or some such


We each have our own "rules" ... women are not a collective, we don't have a single hive-mind.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

It sounds like your date was interested in a sexual relationship. You seem to be iffy on whether or not you even want to be dating, much less having sex. You two are just in different places and want different things right now. You're not compatible. 

For me, any major incompatibility - be it sex or any other major issue - is a deal-breaker when I'm dating. 

Oh, and she doesn't really want to be friends with you. She thinks you don't really want her, so she wants to stop seeing you. She was trying to save face in a very awkward situation that is clearly not working for either of you. She could have just said she didn't want to see you anymore, but many women are afraid that being direct will result in unpleasantness they'd prefer to avoid, so she pulled the "friends" card. Don't keep calling or messaging her or trying to actually _be_ friends.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Red Sonja said:


> We each have our own "rules" ... women are not a collective, we don't have a single hive-mind.


That one is actually really funny. On our second date, my GF mentioned that she usually had a 90 day rule. 

I literally fell on the floor LMAO. And then, after I recovered, I said, "OK, I guess I will call you in 90 days". 

Later that night in bed she said she was really glad she did not wait a second more than our second date...

She often asks me "what if she had wanted to wait, what would I have done" ? "I would have dumped you, any man that would wait that long for sex is a *****." She is still glad she did not wait.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

bobsmith said:


> So.... Ladies, is this like a sign to you that a guy just isn't into you? Quickly run the other way? How do you read this? I mean, friends? Come on, we can't even hug without that turning into an event so I fail to see how we would "just be friends" and not sure I would want that anyway.


Hey @bobsmith, I can only speak for myself, but since I'm a lady and I'm "of a certain age" (I'm 55yo) I think I might at least kind of qualify. 

I personally don't like it if a guy is all about the bedroom the first date. It feels a little disrespectful to me. So I don't have a "3 date rule" or any of that, but I do have a rule that I have reasonable reason to believe someone is really into me before I'd sleep with them. In addition, I have to really be into a guy before I'll sleep with him. Now I'm no prude, but what I mean is that I know me: I don't do FWB or casual sex--there has to be something substantial for me to be interested. 

Now, once I'm interested, and I have reason to believe the fella is interested, if he were to get handsy and leave me hanging, I would feel some sexual frustration, sure, but I'd think there's always ways to alleviate that. Honestly, I'd suggest one of the alternative ways! 

Likewise if there were to be a disconnect in "the equipment" I'd already be into the guy, so I'd think something like "Okay so how do tackle this as a team?" Look, at our age, the mental is just as vital as the equipment sometimes, so adjustments have to be made. Maybe some time is needed...maybe more relaxation...maybe more necking! LOL  The point being that to me it's not a red flag that the guy isn't into me, so much as a speed bump. Then again, I am starting from a point of really caring about the person, not just wanting to get laid. 

So nope, I wouldn't friendzone, or run, or think I'm lacking somehow. I'm not saying it wouldn't be a little ding to the ego, but isn't that sort of typical? To make it "all about you" when it has nothing to do with you at all? LOL From the way you describe it, you were ready and willing, and even most of the way able...and you communicated pretty openly. The fact is that sometimes it's just hard to get over that final hurdle so if you're both having a good time, it's still intimate, right? What's the big deal?


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Well, this has happened to me before and seems that I need a genuine "connection" and some touching to get all into it. Seems women that want me expect to get it on in 15sec. Then I feel inadequate for not being able to navigate that. No doubt that mornings or after some sleep really helps me due to being relaxed. I think comfort is big for me and new and different scare me. 

Hell, I did this with my last ex! She wanted it RIGHT NOW and thought I was not into her because of my failure. But we worked through that and all was good. 

I think part of this for me was that I did all the touching and she really did not touch me. I apparently need that. 

maybe the way I tried to communicate WHILE she is sitting on top of me???? lol I felt bad. I did not say "I am not into you", I just tried to communicate that this is a new experience for me and my brain was a little foggy with emotions, nerves, etc. 

I think I tend to be a "giver" in bed and my goal is her pleasure. This might go all the way back to a very long LTR where she needed a LOT from me to get there. I was taught to sustain things for a LONG time so I did not rush anything. She was also very good at getting me aroused. All it takes is the right touching. 

Maybe this was my fault as I am the one that started this physical relationship but her body language was egging it on too I guess.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Well, @bobsmith, I hear a couple things in our post that are bound to lead to a short circuit (from what I understand). One is that you feel inadequate and the other is that your goal is "her pleasure." 

You know, I'm not Yoda, but I have this saying "Trust the Little Head" (lol) because the little head has no dog in this fight. The little head is just honest, and if you feel like you're not enough, the little head is gonna say 'Hold up there buddy! Wait until you're sufficient!' Some of that might be haunting voices from the ex that you still hear ("You're not enough to please me") or voices you tell yourself that you aren't good enough--and that would be stuff you could work on so you realize how rare and valuable you are. If you can work on your own esteem that way, it may help the little head give the "go ahead" thumbsup. 

Likewise if your focus is so much on "her pleasure" you'll forget to be in your own body. Hey, we all get a thrill from pleasing our partner and from that rush of pleasure on their face--I get that. But if that's your main focus, you might disconnect from your own self and your own needs and pleasures. It's not selfish to stay in tune with your own self, what you need, what you want, and what pleases you. In fact, if you can occasionally just "do one for yourself" and sure you share but keep your heart on "this time I'll be right in myself and enjoy this" I suspect you may again give the little head a chance to throw the thumbsup. 

You're just back in the saddle. Give yourself a break. It's not selfish to believe in your own awesomeness and actually let your own self feel pleasure. Trust me, if YOU let yourself be pleased, she'll have that little "I did that" grin on her face! So you want to please her? Please yourself! I don't mean be a selfish bastard--I mean get into your own bod and enjoy.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Do you even know what you want?

Your a man, with testosterone (right?)
You seem to have someone that wants to be physical, why are you letting the little hamster in your head spin and spin.

You either want her sexually or you dont.... No one is asking you to buy a ring and sign a contract


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You've ascertained that you need to feel comfortable, connected and touched in order for your body to respond. Try not going for sex on the first date and see if you calm down enough to follow through. Since you know this about yourself, don't get all handsy until you are ready. There is nothing wrong in telling the woman that you appreciate being felt up, too.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

I suspect that some ladies who are going on dating websites are also watching porn. Modern porn portrays the male actors (thru the use of careful editing and lots of artificial chemicals) as going from hello to full raging hard-on in 5 seconds. Real life doesn't work that way for men over the age of 25. Perhaps she is mistaking your lack of instant arousal to disinterest. Let her know that you are interested.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

LOL, it just got really weird with the text the next morning. I felt I just needed to contact her, mentioned that I felt sad to lose a pretty good connection so abruptly, and apologized if she felt I was not interested, because I was. She said she did not want to lead ME on....

I know she is not too long out of a 5mo relationship that I guess she got hurt pretty bad so i sort of wonder if she is willing to bale at the very first sign of concern....

I will say, we both play guitar, and it is a rare connection. I felt like we built a pretty fun/easy/good bond playing music for hours. 

I dunno, just confused about all of it is all.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

She is obviously VERY ready.

It’s clear to her that you are not in the same place.

She probably had some patience for your hesitation initially, but it seems that she just wants the full physical connection and is ready for that connection. You simply are not ready to move that fast or strong.

Nothing wrong with what either of what you want fundamentally, but you’re simply not on the same page.

I definitely moved slowly with Odo, and he moved slowly with me as well, because we both wanted to know each other well first. Once we passed the “getting to know you” phase, and we were BOTH ready, we practically burned a friction hole in the sofa.

If it doesn’t feel right... then it’s NOT RIGHT.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

I think what is further confusing to me is she KNEW I was very new to this. So much so that she was trying to get me to take her out for many weeks and I told her I was still trying to get my head straight. So it is NOT like this is some wild azz news for her. I don't honestly know what she expected. Like maybe I would just roll over a leaf like lightning and I am fixed and good to go??? I can only guess that my advances made her think I was fine but I really wasn't. 

I know myself. This is going to take time and I am being VERY upfront about it. I don't seem to get cold feet easily and I know what I want, but my heart likes to bring up the back of the line and probably for good reason. 

Knowing myself as I do, I certainly will NOT sleep with just any 2 legged female. I think I was even surprised with myself, and it just kept happening. I could not touch her without taking it further. I will certainly need to study this dynamic for future reference. 

I do know I met someone sometime back. She was young, was VERY into me, and NONE of this happened. I knew we would never be a thing because she was too young and smoked like a train. She was not even a good lay! She moved like a jack rabbit. Chemistry is an odd duck for sure! One I apparently cannot seem to begin to understand.


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## ButWeAreStrange (Feb 2, 2018)

It seems like you both were/are in different places at the moment. It's best to know those things theoretically ahead of time but sometimes it takes awkward interactions like this to help you know where you are in terms of readiness. 

She may have even felt a bit embarrassed at her own excitement to rush forward with intimacy, so to have you pull the breaks might have made her question her own signals. 

Is there much of an age difference between you two? That could also be a factor, she might be playing from a totally different perspective on how to pursue a sexual relationship with someone she's interested in. 

When my husband and I were first dating, I had felt like I had been waiting years to be with him intimately and pretty much tried to dive in head-first from the get-go. He, on the other hand, had just gotten out of a long term relationship (ended amicably), and was very hesitant to go too fast too soon. I took it as being a sign that 1. he wasn't all that interested in me and 2. that I was making a fool of myself. Later on when we discussed how we felt about our "speed," as it were, I learned that he felt significantly closer to me than he had with anyone else prior to our dating, and because of that he didn't want to rush and possibly scare me off or make me feel like he was using me for his own agenda. It made me laugh to hear since in trying to treat me "properly" he inadvertently made me feel like I wasn't his type. Fast-forward near twelve years everything worked out, but I do still remember that feeling of uncertainty about how he felt about me as well as how I felt about myself taking the leap to go faster than I was used to in a physical relationship. 

Every woman is going to be different with their sexual "timelines" just as every man will, too. It's all about communication beforehand and most importantly knowing where you yourself stand so you can draw lines and express them in a healthy and positive manner.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

No real age gap. She has been married twice. one was 15yrs. I don't think she was willing to really give a ton of detail being such a fresh start. 

i don't know, maybe we just started off too wrong. Super casual. Certainly not the 101 question type of date. Conversation seemed super easy. Alcohol got us both too far in. I apologized the the next day after the first meet for maybe going too far but she said it was no problem. 


My only guess is she sees a potential mismatch but figured we could have some fun but maybe realized I might need some emotional investment to get there. Or maybe she just thinks I have a medical problem.....lol 

All I know for sure is not one time in my life have I received oral that it did not go super great for me!! Had she done that, it probably would have went much different, but I am not the type to exactly ask for that in a new relationship. Not saying that has never happened though. 

You know, thinking back, almost ALL of my flings have been women that seem to want to move FAST in the bed! I have a long list! maybe they just want to get some quick feels, i don;t know, but I know I hurt several after I did not pursue them after. 

Question - is it me or normal to find someone attractive, think you want them only to get to the bed and realize you don't? I think this has happened to me too many times in my life. But how do you escape after the clothes are off??? maybe I just experienced this again!


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

The thing about dating is that its not a permanent relationship. If things don't work out well, its OK, you can each find more compatible partners. 

Some people (men and women) are looking for sex. Some for long term relationships, some for both. Its all OK. It just good to try to get the signals straight.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

MAJDEATH said:


> Modern porn portrays the male actors (thru the use of careful editing and lots of artificial chemicals) as going from hello to full raging hard-on in 5 seconds. Real life doesn't work that way for men over the age of 25.


Speak for yourself!

I'm a few months away from being 47 and I still go from hello to "full raging hard-on in 5 seconds", without using artificial chemicals (whatever they may be?) whenever I want to have sex.

Kissing, touching, some lewd talk, or even the simple anticipation of sex in the moment with a sexual partner or potential sexual partner is enough to make me stand quickly.

No doubt at some point that is going to change for me, yet to date it hasn't.

So over 25, pffft.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

@bobsmith are you sexually attracted to her, do you want to consume her whole and have her every which way? Or is it more of a you like the idea of it and are happy to go through the motions of it with her.

Were you anxious and self conscious about yourself?

Who was doing the initiating, who was leading?

You mention getting oral sex first as the usual thing, has that been the only way you have got it to stand up with a woman in the first instance?


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Personal said:


> @bobsmith are you sexually attracted to her, do you want to consume her whole and have her every which way? Or is it more of a you like the idea of it and are happy to go through the motions of it with her. I would say I was not real sure as I didn't know her well enough, but I have most certainly been MORE sexually attracted to other women in such a way that just looking at them was enough to get me going. However, I have not been lucky enough to have a real relationship with one of those women.
> I am not really talking super model types, just certain features that seem to set me off.
> 
> Were you anxious and self conscious about yourself?YUP! This was the first since my ex so years since I was with someone new.
> ...


Answers above.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

bobsmith said:


> Had she done that, it probably would have went much different, but I am not the type to exactly ask for that in a new relationship. Not saying that has never happened though.


Is it fair to say you are more passive sexually and leading sexually isn't your style?

Would you feel comfortable telling (not asking*) a new sexual partner to put you in her mouth etc? Would that excite you, or is that too much for you?

I've had plenty of women (albeit in the past) at parties, work, pubs etc ask me out and or ask to have sex with me. Yet whenever I said yes to them I have never been passive. Instead I always took/take the lead sexually. Tell them to do things and tell them what I am going to do to them etc. Since I have always been most comfortable doing that from within minutes of meeting them and then having sex, through to long term relationships and marriages.

* With the usual caveat of they can always say no or not do what you say.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

So a little bit of anxiety, alcohol, fatigue and not being super attracted to her, what happened is hardly a surprise.

Personally I wouldn't worry about it. If it were me next time I would find someone who got me going more, limit my fatigue and alcohol not worry about my performance and have at it.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Yup, it seems the less I really care about them, the more I am willing to do with them, ask them to do, etc. I think for me, it becomes a matter of respect and feeling like I am insulting a woman to a degree until there is a real relationship. 

I know it got pretty damn hot with my first ex when I made demands and she played along. I would not really expect that on a first go. 

I also realize I probably don't go after the same type of women as many guys might. the ones that flaunt their assets rarely get my attention. One of the craziest women I ever met was a conservative accountant in a sweater. She touched me very soft, but became nuts in the bed! i have never had a woman suck with with a condom on before. She would have done anything. I think she was deprived for sure. 

So yes, finding my sexual 10, plus seeing a real future with them, that I have only found in high school. The one that got away I guess.....


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

There's two separate issues here I think. 

If I were on a first date with a man and he was affectionate, touchy feely and kissing me lots and then all of a sudden pulled back I wouldn't date him again, not because he did something wrong but because he's obviously not ready.

Re you're not being able to perform, that does NOT in any way make you a failure. If I were in a relationship with a man who had that from time to time I would want us to work through it together. I wouldn't end the relationship over it - as long as he was willing to tackle it (sorry no pun intended) with me.

You need connection, attraction etc. to be able to sleep with a woman - what exactly is wrong with that?


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

frusdil said:


> There's two separate issues here I think.
> 
> If I were on a first date with a man and he was affectionate, touchy feely and kissing me lots and then all of a sudden pulled back I wouldn't date him again, not because he did something wrong but because he's obviously not ready.
> 
> ...


Appreciate the reply and seems pretty accurate. I think what confused me most is how she flipped this around that "she did not want to lead me on".... She seemed very willing to play every time I did, but I am curious how I might handle this in the future? I obviously waited until we were in bed and she was on top of me to say "hey, this might be a bit fast for me". 

I realize the mature thing might be to talk about this beforehand but that does not seem to be how my encounters EVER go. Actually, not one, ever. They give me a look, I know that look, I feel required to act on that so I don't seem oblivious, and I might realize AFTER being in bed that I really don't want to. 

I don't seem to be a person that I can find someone that I want to marry plus be totally sexually attracted to. I am an odd duck. Seems to be one or the other. 

Regarding "connection and attraction", I think what is wrong with that for me is I am trying to bury my ex and I would like to have some intimate relations but I am always frustrated how most guys seem to be able to just "stab whatever", and I seem to require a certain connection, even if they are very attractive. 

I know it was pretty odd with the women that just dumped me, I was not quite into it, yet as we laid in bed and talked, I was becoming more into it, but by that time, her switches were off and I did not want to even try and have any issues there. Most of it for me was that she did not touch me at all. I am not used to that. I am affectionate.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

bobsmith said:


> I don't seem to be a person that I can find someone that I want to marry plus be totally sexually attracted to. I am an odd duck. Seems to be one or the other.


Nothing odd about that at all! Isn't that what we all want?  She's out there, you just haven't found her yet. Whether it's due to timing or whatever who knows, but she's out there - she's looking for you too 

Re how to manage this in the future, you do that by deciding now that you want to get to know a woman before you sleep with her. My husband took that approach when he started dating after his divorce. He didn't want to rush into things and have things complicated by sex. We both felt this way which was lucky, and it was the right thing for us. Perhaps thats how you are too?


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

frusdil said:


> Re how to manage this in the future, you do that by deciding now that you want to get to know a woman before you sleep with her.


I think I am too old to kid myself. I know this is a product of self control that I might not have though my brain still isn't right, but I am upfront about that part. It doesn't seem to discourage women from trying with me. 

See, with the last woman, she was literally trying to get me to go out and meet her, and I told her I was staying away because I was not ready for that yet. I finally decided "pizz on it" because I don't want to miss out on opportunities. So she knew where I was mentally, and we even talked about "just meeting".... But I guess this was my error for engaging her. We met, there was zero awkwardness, she asked if I wanted to go somewhere else and sort of gave me the "I like you and I want you to touch me" look, and things just happened. Problem is that occurred every time I saw her. 

The last time I was really trying to leave, truck was even running, but the kiss just lead to more stuff.....

I just hope when the right one comes along, I won't have any issue but even with my ex, this was a problem, but one that we worked through, though I would not say she was very supportive as several times she said "what the F is wrong with you!". I think that right there put a LOT of distance between us because I realized she may not be "the one" just for saying that. She knew I was only months out of an LTR. However, she was a selfish person and believed her looks meant no man would resist her. We eventually got through it but took months.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Red Sonja said:


> We each have our own "rules" ... women are not a collective, we don't have a single hive-mind.


But that's because maybe you are the queen of the hive and control how the rest of the worker bees think? 

I don't think it has anything to do with age to be honest. It's personalities; I remember in the distant past when I was 15-16 I would also not be able to be sexual with someone straight away and it would take several times before I could get comfortable with someone sexually. I don't think it means you are not attracted to someone or that you have ED or whatever. It's just that the bonding has not been established yet properly and for some people it takes longer to get there. It seems some women have very low tolerance for this and think that a man is just supposed to 'put out' on demand.

I was lucky both me and my wife were inexperienced so there was no pressure to have to 'perform' a certain way from the beginning. But then once the flood gates were open, there was no way to stop it. And continues to this day. In about 20 years, I don't remember a time when I wasn't able to 'perform' with her since. Even though in the very beginning, that was often the case or at least I remember being very nervous of not being able to and that made things worse (from memory).


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

bobsmith said:


> maybe the way I tried to communicate WHILE she is sitting on top of me???? lol I felt bad. I did not say "I am not into you", I just tried to communicate that this is a new experience for me and my brain was a little foggy with emotions, nerves, etc.


Yes, that was EXACTLY how it was for me, word for word. You just need time and a woman who is patient. It doesn't take long; maybe 3-4 'successful' times but everyone's 'speed' will vary. Perhaps at that age, some women become impatient, I don't know.
I am sure that happens to women a lot too; but it's more difficult to fake an erection if you have a penis...


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

It's reverse psychology: the more you tell her that you need more time before you can have sex with her, the more relaxed and quicker she is going to want to move on you.

Perhaps she thinks you are playing a game (because there is sometimes this completely wrong presumption that all men care about and need is sex). But it's more probable that it happens on a subconscious level with her.



bobsmith said:


> I think what is further confusing to me is she KNEW I was very new to this. So much so that she was trying to get me to take her out for many weeks and I told her I was still trying to get my head straight. So it is NOT like this is some wild azz news for her. I don't honestly know what she expected. Like maybe I would just roll over a leaf like lightning and I am fixed and good to go??? I can only guess that my advances made her think I was fine but I really wasn't.
> 
> I know myself. This is going to take time and I am being VERY upfront about it. I don't seem to get cold feet easily and I know what I want, but my heart likes to bring up the back of the line and probably for good reason.
> 
> ...


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Hmmmm...in my opinion I don't think men that hold out on putting out are viewed favorably by the opposite sex. I think if we are of a certain age and a woman offers and we say no, they think we are either weird or not attracted to them. I do feel that it is waiting until its right for you should be appreciated, but in your situation it just isn't what she wants. She wants Mr. Right Now, not Mr. Right. Sexual compatibility is very important. She is just nicely letting you know that she prefers someone who is ok with jumping right into things.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Well, I seem to have stumbled into another one..... About 15yrs younger than me..... We both agreed 'no relationship', just a friendly deal.....uh huh. Sex has been a non issue with her at ALL. Everything seems to work just fine. 

Problem is now I am hearing chatter about wanting to sleep in my bed more, likes the way I smell, etc, etc. This woman is NOT marriage material so I fear I will have to do the right thing before I cause problems for her, and probably for myself.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

bobsmith said:


> Well, I seem to have stumbled into another one..... About 15yrs younger than me..... We both agreed 'no relationship', just a friendly deal.....uh huh. Sex has been a non issue with her at ALL. Everything seems to work just fine.
> 
> Problem is now I am hearing chatter about wanting to sleep in my bed more, likes the way I smell, etc, etc. This woman is NOT marriage material so I fear I will have to do the right thing before I cause problems for her, and probably for myself.


Ha, you are a step away from being in full blown relationship with a woman you see no future with.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Well... I guess to update since I see this as therapy.... 
I had a talk with this one woman about not wanting a relationship right now. Truth be told, I might try "a" slow relationship with someone, but not her. However, that has not detoured her and she is pretty wound up on the way I touch her, do her, etc. 

I think I might ask for some lady help here, do I just need to end this fling so I don't hurt this woman more? Even though I have drawn the line, I think she believes she can eventually step over it. I am just waiting for some request for dinner or something. 

To make this MUCH more interesting, last Sat I was just doing my thing at my home and I guess my next door neighbor's daughter is selling everything to put her mom in a home. The other neighbor women from across the street went over and they hung out and drank. 

They yelled at me to come over so I went to chit chat. I felt like a piece of meat and they were NOT subtle about it!! The next door woman is 49 and I am not attracted, but she just kept touching me, telling me to sit down so she could sit on me, and the neighbors were just telling to "make her day".... LOL. 

It was all in good fun and I actually ended up buying them beer and hanging out for hours, but it was really odd since I don't normally talk to any of them. 
Now the one across the street is 55, and made it pretty obvious she was "up for whatever" too. I told them I was staying away from women for a while, then the neighbor says "what about that car that has been in your driveway a few times???" I laughed hard but wanted to dig a hole. 

I think the only reason I was over there is the 55yo has a 26yo daughter that pretty damn cute. My game was totally dead though with the two older ones hitting on me. There is also a HIGH level of concern messing with a neighbor. If things get weird, I can't just leave. 

I went to the other neighbor's later that night with her daughter and her friend. All just hanging out, but the 55yo obviously took a shower, had a tighter shirt on, no bra, nipping, and even asked if I was there for her daughter or her...... I have no idea why I do this to myself!!!!

I told her I was just hanging out. But I guess in hind sight, I was sort of wanting to chase the 26yo for a minute.... I really don't care if we have sex or not, she has a pretty saucy personality that is interesting. Something that would become old in a relationship but I kinda like her......lol


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

bobsmith said:


> ...do I just need to end this fling so I don't hurt this woman more?


Yes.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

I have had more women dump me for this reason than any other. And I just thought I was taking it slowly....


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

DustyDog said:


> I have had more women dump me for this reason than any other. And I just thought I was taking it slowly....


Why have more women dumped you? For going slow?


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

As'laDain said:


> Sounds to me like she is just more interested in the sex than the relationship...


Indeed! That is what online dating has become for both sexes. Be careful who you go out with. Most are just players looking for sex and no strings of any kind attached. If you want long term, make sure you are up front about that. Don`t touch the goods on a first date! You will be used and tossed away....next!

Oh, and if you touch the goods, you better make darn sure you can hit a homerun the first time you bat dude. 

Women want it and they dont care if you are not ready. Different times you know. Better buy some of those little blue pills. Be ready to enjoy the new times. If you don't like the rules of online dating, keep your freaking hands to yourself is the best advise I can give you. The women that need time like you will not come on to you hot and heavy. Those are very few and far between though. Us women have had to deal with this for much longer. Times are changing and not for better or worse; just for different.

Enjoy the journey!


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

mmm hmm, not to mention that in my experience so far, at least in my area, OLD women seem to have some screws loose somewhere. I am sure that does not speak for all of them, but I seem to be able to put them in 1 of 3 categories pretty quick and I am about over it. I have the ones I feel are obtainable for me, but they won't even respond because they are shopping for a model type even though they won't admit it. The ones that are obtainable and do respond, only to figure out there is a blaring issue before I even meet them, like sort of still married or have a baby that is 5mo old. Or the ones that already know they are way down the chart but relentlessly message me. I have kindly requested athletic types as I am athletic and wish to be active with my partner. And I get ones that obviously live on the couch. 

I honestly feel, including myself in this, it might be a matter of seeing just how young you can reel in, because most that contact me are many years older unless there is something off.


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## hardwired (Apr 6, 2018)

RandomDude said:


> Ey? Thought you ladies have a 3 date rule or some such


You watch too much TV.


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## hardwired (Apr 6, 2018)

This has happened to me before when with someone new. With my current GF, the first time I knew we were going to have sex, I took a Viagra, because first time nerves often kill the B for me. I got hard and we had PIV sex...but I did not cum. She was a bit puzzled and I told her this is common. The next time I came in 1 minute. Lol. I take a long time...ejaculation isn't the goal for me with actual sex, like it is with masturbation. I enjoy the process...when you O, it's over, at least for a while.

Some women are really put off by this...if you can't get it up or O they take it personally. Some are cool and patient - that's what you want.

My GF and I have sex on average 8 times a week now and have for 10 months. We almost always do it twice a night when together (4 times a week). I go for a long time but I get there. Once in a while I cum fast, and she likes that...a "quickie". But generally we go for 15-20 mins each time (not crazy long, but a decent stretch). Find a woman who understands what's going on and will be patient. If she pressures you, you're guaranteed to fail.

Viagra can be great, but it doesn't do anything if you're not aroused to begin with.

Good luck and have fun, try to relax and realize first/second/third time jitters are OK - be easy on yourself.


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## hardwired (Apr 6, 2018)

Steve2.0 said:


> Do you even know what you want?
> 
> Your a man, with testosterone (right?)
> You seem to have someone that wants to be physical, why are you letting the little hamster in your head spin and spin.
> ...


Not all guys are like you. You're judging too harshly.


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## hardwired (Apr 6, 2018)

bobsmith said:


> LOL, it just got really weird with the text the next morning. I felt I just needed to contact her, mentioned that I felt sad to lose a pretty good connection so abruptly, and apologized if she felt I was not interested, because I was. She said she did not want to lead ME on....
> 
> I know she is not too long out of a 5mo relationship that I guess she got hurt pretty bad so i sort of wonder if she is willing to bale at the very first sign of concern....
> 
> ...


Meh. Move on. You may not find another guitar player, but you can always find women who will love to hear and see you play. Trust me. ;-)


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## hardwired (Apr 6, 2018)

Personal said:


> Speak for yourself!
> 
> I'm a few months away from being 47 and I still go from hello to "full raging hard-on in 5 seconds", without using artificial chemicals (whatever they may be?) whenever I want to have sex.
> 
> ...


Lol. Dude, I've read a lot of your posts - you need to get over yourself.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

I guess I should clarify. The one I posted about in my first post is GONE! I just don't think I was all that into her sexually. She was my first out of my LTR so I did not take all of that too well, and maybe I never will. 

Now, the one I am sort of "seeing" (loose term as she is getting attached and I really need to let her go), she is 26 and there is little doubt there is at least sexual chemistry. I have NO idea if it is helping but I have been taking Horny Goat Weed as a supplement. I have had zero issue. She is no into me that she drives here late at night just for some action but I also know she likes sleeping beside me and all things which are leading to a real relationship, and just to be honest, I can't have a relationship with her. 

This is also the first "squirter" I have ever been with. She warned me recently that when she is really into it, that happens. It did last night. Went on for an hour or more in two sessions. It is odd that though I am not "super" into her, I remained rock hard, no issue at all other than I just don't cum very easy with her. Takes some work. With my first ex, I had to really learn to control myself but she was a master of knowing exactly how to get to me. 

It has been a pretty crappy road for me honestly because my brain is still in "marriage land", and even with good sex, I am missing out on a lot. I know many men might say "you got a girl that is 15yrs younger, good looking, all over you, sex like rabbits, what else do you need?" But I might just be a husband type and I would rather do all this with much more emotion and connection. I guess I have had that so I know the difference. 

Problem for me has been that I am just WAY different around women that I genuinely want to be with. I almost push them away and cold because they have the capacity to hurt me so much and I know it. I guess when with one that I can walk away from, I am more myself and just don't care. I actually have found women find this trait to be super attractive as it mimics high confidence. It really is that I just don't care! I don't hang all over women, dig for their affection, or try very hard at all. I guess it comes off that I am a high level guy you are so lucky to meet me...lol I am apparently an odd duck. 

But I guess in the real reality of things, I do only become attached to women that fit a very high standard, able to match me step for step, have high morals, high expectations, have their sh1t together, and have a certain presence about them. NOT the model type smoke shows, but the home town types that are relaxed and confident. 

I guess I should be somehow excited that I don't have to work hard to find 'someone' to sleep in my bed, but finding someone that is marriage material, wants me, and actually available is depressing. About every single women that I have met here and there that meets the standard, indeed has a ring and for good reason. They know how to keep a relationship. What sucks is that ring instantly relaxes me and I usually find very friendly good conversation with these married women. However, I am sure their husbands would see me as trying to threaten things but I know that is something I just will NOT EVER do. I will not hook up with a married woman. I am not selfish like that and if a woman will do that, it just turns me off instantly. All I could think about is the husband and how that could be ME getting screwed over. Thank my Catholic upbringing for being a moral human.... 

What I am finding is talking to younger women, they likely are too far off in age to think like me and want the same things at the same time. If they are into marriage, they can likely find a younger guy that is a better fit. Then there are those my age that have been through the wringer and it shows. They are pissy, demanding about THEIR wants, and carry more baggage than I can probably manage. Then I have the older women. They want me like no other but I don't think I can do it. I had a super cute 40 something tell me in her first response in OLD that "we would make the cutest blue eyes babies".....OMG! But there was something more not right about her that I could sense right off. 

All in all, I HATE dating! lol


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

minimalME said:


> Why have more women dumped you? For going slow?


Yes


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