# I need Oral need Oral Sex to orgasm, but wife refuses.



## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

*I need Oral Sex to orgasm, but wife refuses.*

I'll try to be concise. I am a man, married for 15 years. Over a year ago, I had an accident that left me with numbness in my penis. Consequently, I cannot orgasm while masturbating and rarely orgasm during vaginal sex, but it has happened. Oral sex to completion has worked nearly every time to give me an orgasm, but my wife thinks it's gross. Am I being selfish by asking my wife for the only thing that works for me? I am close to divorce over this, but I'm afraid of being able to find someone that would give regular blow jobs. Also, her hang up is not the taste (which she mentioned being sweet once), I think she thinks it's demeaning for a wife. 

Am I asking too much here? 

I know a lot of women also cannot orgasm vaginally and require other activities like oral sex to get to orgasm. I would do anything for her, but she won't for me. She makes me feel like I am selfish for wanting an orgasm. Is it too much to ask for oral 4-5 times a week? Last year I had 5 orgasms. I am really unhappy.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

If your wife doesn't enjoy it whatsoever, or has a mental block with it, it will be hard to change her mind. Not impossible, but difficult. It sounds like you want it almost every day, which if you're asking someone to do something for you 4 to 5 times weekly, who doesn't like it, that can be off putting. Maybe a compromise of # of days per week, maybe?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

How is your sex life otherwise (frequency, range of activities, etc.)? Obviously she does oral to completion sometimes, because you know it works. Peacem suggestions may help, too. What is a compromise you can both accept? And if you stopped oral on her or greatly reduced the frequency of sex, would she care? It sounds like her attitude/perspective is the biggest problem to overcome, if all else is decent. If she can't change her attitude or compromise at least somewhat, you may have to leave her and look for someone without this issue. I would try some things first, like explaining just how hurtful it is to be rejected when it's the only thing that works. If no response, then greatly reduce doing oral on her - or, bring her close to orgasm and then stop, leave her hanging and see how she likes it. And of course there is the ever popular marriage and/or sex counseling, which sometimes may even work.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

There's really no right answer to this, which doesn't help you.

My take is that, at the very least, she maybe speak to a sex therapist about her distaste with oral sex, in the hopes of possibly overcoming whatever her block is.

If the scenario wasn't what it is, I'd say leave her alone about it. But given that this is (through no fault of your own) the only way to regularly achieve orgasm, then yes, as a wife and life partner, she should be doing something about it. (not forcing herself to do it, mind you. I mean making the effort to, for lack of a better term, "get over it".)

Everybody is entitled to feel how they want about things such as oral sex. That particular discussion is a mainstay on TAM. I'm of the camp that doesn't understand people's often severe distaste for it (man or woman), but I also understand that people can feel what they want about it.

I live without stand alone oral sex from my wife. I get it during sex, sometimes to completion, but she absolutely will not do it any other time on it's own. She can't articulate why. When it's part of sex, she does it like it's her job, and she's right into it. But for some unknown reason, she will only give me oral sex if there's been, or is going to be, penetration. She won't even do it if I perform oral sex on her only, before or after. There has to be PIV included at some point.

But frankly, your wife is going down a dangerous road here. A road which ends in her husband not being sexually fulfilled because of a mental block she may refuse to remove.

Unfortunately, there are many people out there just like her, men and women. I've seen threads here on TAM from wives who's husbands won't perform oral on them for varying reasons, and like many women, PIV sex isn't enough for full sexual enjoyment. Yet these men and women can't bring themselves to see past their own distaste in order to fully satisfy their partners. It's a head-scratcher to me.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

wantshelp said:


> I am close to divorce over this, but I'm afraid of being able to find someone that would give regular blow jobs.


Odds are your wife probably is resentful over oral sex because you may be making her feel that her natural god given lady parts are of no use for you. 

*The largest sex organ is your brain! *Odds are that it is not the oral sex that causes you to orgasm, it is getting something rare that excites your brain. If you find someone that gives you oral on demand as many times as you want it daily, you would likely become numb to oral as well.

Have you ever tried masturbating with a penis plug in your urethra? Bet that would be something rare and exciting you have never tried!

4 Reasons You Should Try Penis Plugs | UberKinky

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

peacem said:


> Do you do oral on her?
> 
> Have you tried other things like **** rings to increase sensitivity. Or a holding bullet vibe on your perineum whilst she gives a firm HJ. You can also buy toys that simulate the feeling of BJs where you can control the suction. She could use it on you and then you could do things for her.


Yes, I love giving her oral, but she does not feel obligated to reciprocate. Honestly, her giving me a HJ with a bullet is a great idea, but she hates it when I ask her to try toys with me. 

Wow, really great advice. The vibration stuff has not worked, but what sucking device are you talking about?


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

intheory said:


> Sorry, but I'm curious; what was this accident? I've never heard of such a thing. If it is too embarrassing; or would compromise your anonymity --- then don't answer.


I can be more detailed. If you want to know EXACTLY what happened, I can private message you, I would be curious too. But basically, my pudendal nerve going through the penis was compressed in an accident. So I lost almost all feeling in the head of the penis (glans). 



> I'm a woman, so I'm having difficulty understanding; how is it that you can't orgasm while masturbating; but can with oral?


Another great question. Honestly, it's hard for me to say why oral sex works. I think it is the combination of the sucking, the visual, and the how erotic it is to me. 



> I'm sorry your wife thinks it's gross. Other than making sure you are really clean; not forcing her to do anything painful, and making sure you return the favor by going down on her --- I can't think of any other way to encourage her to do this nice thing for you. I would think she'd want to out of the love she has for you, since you're injured, and oral is the only sex that's working for you.


I thought the same thing. I made sure I was very well groomed, clean, smelled good, and even secretly ate pineapple in the hopes of making my semen taste sweeter. She said, funny, semen tastes sweeter than I imagined it would. I have never forced her to do anything and I am always thrilled to go down on her. I love the connection of making her orgasm through oral. I am very good at getting her to orgasm every time, when she lets me. 

Ultimately, I think it comes down to commitment. I would do anything for her, but I am finding out that she doesn't feel the same for me. To me that commitment is the very meaning of marriage. 

Anyway, I REALLY appreciate your thoughts. REALLY.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

OliviaG said:


> Have you already tried the Venus?


No, I have tried Fleshlight, Autoblow2, CobraLibre2, and others, but I will try anything. Thanks for this suggestion. 



> I can imagine your frustration if you have the desire but lack the sensation to do anything to take care of it - I'm sure I'd be close to losing my mind.


I do still have the desire. Frustrating is definitely the word. I cried every night for the 6 months after the accident. It's been terrible. And my wife seems unable to help me.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

*Re: I need Oral Sex to orgasm, but wife refuses.*

Read his other thread.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

badsanta said:


> Odds are your wife probably is resentful over oral sex because you may be making her feel that her natural god given lady parts are of no use for you.
> 
> *The largest sex organ is your brain! *Odds are that it is not the oral sex that causes you to orgasm, it is getting something rare that excites your brain. If you find someone that gives you oral on demand as many times as you want it daily, you would likely become numb to oral as well.


I think you're wrong about the wife. Her libido was near zero even before my injury when we would only have vaginal sex. 

But you might be right about the brain thing. It very well may be that routine oral sex will no longer work after some time and the excitement goes away. Too bad I don't have a partner that would help me figure that out.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

Married but Happy said:


> How is your sex life otherwise (frequency, range of activities, etc.)?


Oral sex was probably 4 times and vaginal sex was 5 times last year. Before last year, she had never given me oral sex to completion. 



> And if you stopped oral on her or greatly reduced the frequency of sex, would she care?


Honestly, she rarely (as in twice a year) wants to have sex. I am usually the one to try oral on her because I am trying desperately to get her to want to have sex more and enjoy it. 



> I would try some things first, like explaining just how hurtful it is to be rejected when it's the only thing that works.


I've told her and she knows. She is apologetic about how she has neglected me, but she still can't bring herself to change. We've been in counseling for 18 months now. It's just a tragedy. 

Thanks for your thoughts.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

peacem said:


> TENGA Air Tech Strong Male Masturbator Cup Supertight | TENGA & Flip Hole | Lovehoney
> Fun Zone Vulcan Vibrating Ripe Mouth Male Masturbator | Blow Job Toys | Lovehoney
> TENGA Flip Hole Masturbator | TENGA & Flip Hole | Lovehoney (this looks good but pricey)
> 
> There are loads more...


I thought I had tried most of the options out there, but I guess not. Maybe I'll go shopping tonight


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

intheory said:


> answer.
> 
> I'd gotten the impression that the "death grip" associated with masturbating, was a really strong form of stimulation.


Note: Really, Wow, I expect that are very few women who would have such a grasp on this subject! My mind is spinning and the subliminal "Where does this come from", gushes out of my thoughts? 

It is...........numbing. 

Just me, I guess. 

I am sorry, also.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Is it too much to ask for oral 4-5 times a week? Yes it is, most women don't like to perform oral sex and to insist your wife do it that often or you will divorce her isn't right. I think asking her to do it twice a week is more doable. You don't need to have an orgasm 4-5 times a week. You need to compromise. I doubt you would find a women who will give you oral that often unless you paid her.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

OliviaG said:


> wantshelp, I can only imagine what you've been through. I'm so sorry, I hope one of the suggestions here works for you.
> 
> I really do not understand your wife's attitude. Does she understand the magnitude of the loss you're struggling with or have you shielded her from your pain? If she really gets the loss you've been mourning and the frustration you feel daily, you'd think she'd be doing everything in her power to find a solution with you.


Your empathy actually brought a tear to my eye. You're a complete stranger and you already get me. With respect to my wife. She always had a low libido, so I tried to shield her initially, but I think she is completely overwhelmed by the situation.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I'm sure the OP can find other ways to orgasm, but I don't think that is the point. 

There is a particular sex act that is very important to him that his wife doesn't want to do. Neither is being unreasonable, many me (and women) greatly enjoy oral and it is very important to them. Many women (and men) find the idea of doing oral repulsive. 

I think it is unlikely she will ever start to enjoy, or even tolerate doing it. 

He can pressure her to to do it, maybe get what he wants, but likely leave her resentful. 

He can do without a sex act that is very important to him.

He can leave. 


Honestly, I don't think there are other options. Its really miserable to have an unhappy sex life, but when two people are fundamentally incompatible with what they enjoy, that is pretty much the only result.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

Happilymarried25 said:


> Is it too much to ask for oral 4-5 times a week? Yes it is, most women don't like to perform oral sex and to insist your wife do it that often or you will divorce her isn't right. I think asking her to do it twice a week is more doable. You don't need to have an orgasm 4-5 times a week. You need to compromise. I doubt you would find a women who will give you oral that often unless you paid her.


Ok. I didn't ask her to, but she knows I needed her when this injury happened. So how did she respond? I had 5 orgasms last year. 4 BJ (3 orgasm), 5 Sex (2 orgasm). That is her trying. When I needed her the most, that is what I got. I get the compromise thing, but I don't think we're in the same ballpark when it comes to commitment to each other. 

But you also have to understand, unlike other men that can go off and have an orgasm at any moment I cannot. I can't make up for the difference by masturbating or watching porn. Also, 4-5 times a week is a complete shot in the dark. I have not had anything close to that since before we were married. I don't know what the right answer is, but I do know I have a partner that won't help me figure it out.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

wantshelp said:


> I do know I have a partner that won't help me figure it out.


Then it is time for a change. And you were already in a sexless marriage - so is there any overriding good reason to stay?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

*Re: I need Oral Sex to orgasm, but wife refuses.*

Life is short. You've already blown your chance for a good sex life by staying in a sexless marriage for years until injury. The staying is on you. How much more of a wake up call do you need before you go and take your life back?


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

Married but Happy said:


> Then it is time for a change.
> And you were already in a sexless marriage


I'm afraid you're right



> so is there any overriding good reason to stay?


I am struggling to answer this...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

*Re: I need Oral Sex to orgasm, but wife refuses.*



WorkingOnMe said:


> Read his other thread.


The paper trail, virtual or in print..This is what foils politicians. But only if one pays attention. 

"Tankyu"


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

*Re: I need Oral Sex to orgasm, but wife refuses.*



WorkingOnMe said:


> Life is short. You've already blown your chance for a good sex life by staying in a sexless marriage for years until injury. The staying is on you. How much more of a wake up call do you need before you go and take your life back?


You're absolutely right. For some reason, I feel like I need her to let me go. Like I need her to accept that our marriage failed. 

I don't know... this is painful. I feel like I am telling her that she wasn't good enough. 

Thanks ya'll.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

*Re: I need Oral Sex to orgasm, but wife refuses.*



SunCMars said:


> The paper trail, virtual or in print..This is what foils politicians. But only if one pays attention.


Yeah. I felt like I wanted to get a woman's opinion on just the oral sex part. That's why I started this thread.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

*Re: I need Oral Sex to orgasm, but wife refuses.*

Finding a woman who wants to blow you 5 days a week is unlikely. Having bjs work with your injury 5 days a week for years is also unlikely. But finding a woman who will try oral anal and vaginal 3/4 times a week is very doable. And much more likely to work long term.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You do realize that "needing" a BJ to orgasm is very flimsy. I read your other thread, thanks @WorkingOnMe for pointing it out. 

If you two have been in sex therapy for 18 months your story just doesn't sound consistent.



> found the best sex/couples therapist in town and insisted that we go. We've been going for 18 months and little has changed.[/QUOTE
> 
> The mechanics of a BJ offer little squeezing sensation but it does offer some vacuuming sensation. But you mentioned that you find a BJ to most erotic. You also mentioned that you need a lot of passion to get there. In a sense, you're saying that your emotional state, as a result of many sexless and rejecting years has complicated the effects of the nerve damage in your penis. Because you feel rejected (and I'm not at all faulting you for that) the neuropathy is magnified.
> 
> ...


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> Then it is time for a change. And you were already in a sexless marriage - so is there any overriding good reason to stay?


Yes, he has two children. That's a reason to stay.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Yes, it's A reason. Maybe not sufficient, though, if he's desperately unhappy. His marriage is not a good example for his children, IMO.


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## theworkwidow (Feb 24, 2016)

I have a question for you. If your wife were physically incapable of giving you a BJ (due to TMJ or strong gag reflux, both of which make it impossible for me) would you just give up now and leave her? Because it sounds to me like her mental inhibitions are just as strong and basically as impossible to overcome as my physical ones are.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

theworkwidow said:


> I have a question for you. If your wife were physically incapable of giving you a BJ (due to TMJ or strong gag reflux, both of which make it impossible for me) would you just give up now and leave her? Because it sounds to me like her mental inhibitions are just as strong and basically as impossible to overcome as my physical ones are.


How many people with a high sex drive would be able to stay in a marriage with little prospect of ever having an orgasm, knowing full well that it may be no big deal for some other women? Again, unlike normal men, I cannot have an orgasm through masturbation. 

Let me ask you this. If you had a high sex drive and married your partner because you loved them and the great sex, but your partner, through no fault of their own could no longer have sex with you. Would you stay for the rest of your life in that situation, knowing you'd be miserable? Knowing that the very reason you married was now gone with him/her?


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## think positive (Jun 24, 2011)

I still can't get my head around why bj's are demeaning to women but, that is probably more related to a thread topic. 

As it relates to you OP, I am not sure most/many women would honor your 4-5/week bjs but, none at all seems reasonable. Perhaps you should understand why she considers it demeaning.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

Happilymarried25 said:


> Yes, he has two children. That's a reason to stay.


You are making the assumption that my children will be happier in a married household with parents sleeping in different beds and fighting versus two potentially independent households with a chance of happiness.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Lack of sex in a relationship, is usually a symptom of something ...deeper going on. If you are not happy, and frankly, she doesn't sound happy either...going through the motions probably gets tiring. Women do like sex, it's a myth that we don't. But, if there was something unresolved in my life, in my childhood, with my fiance...I would be less interested. My head has to be into it, not just my body. Perhaps, your wife is sad about something, and this prevents a healthy sex life between you both. I'm sorry you're struggling.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

Anon Pink said:


> You do realize that "needing" a BJ to orgasm is very flimsy. I read your other thread, thanks @WorkingOnMe for pointing it out.
> 
> If you two have been in sex therapy for 18 months your story just doesn't sound consistent.
> 
> ...


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> Perhaps, your wife is sad about something, and this prevents a healthy sex life between you both.


I think you're probably right. I think she is sad about something. I don't know if she really likes sex or not. I hope she does. She says it is enjoyable for her. But, there is something she learned or experienced growing up that has become a problem for us. I wish I knew how to help her more. We may have a breakthrough in counseling at some point, but after 18 months, my patience is running out. 

When we started therapy, I thought to myself that I'd give it a year. Then after a year of little progress, I said I'd give it a few more months and then I kinda started losing hope. Then last week, our therapist asked me to hang in there and give her 6 more months. I said ok, but I didn't mean it. I am tapped out. I don't know how I can go another 6 months. I said that today in counseling. She understood.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

think positive said:


> Perhaps you should understand why she considers it demeaning.


She has not used those words exactly, but that is my sense. I could be wrong. She has also said it's gross. Which I think we can all understand.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

*Re: I need Oral Sex to orgasm, but wife refuses.*

You cried when she gave you a bj??? Oh man, I think you need a male role model.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

*Re: I need Oral Sex to orgasm, but wife refuses.*



WorkingOnMe said:


> You cried when she gave you a bj??? Oh man, I think you need a male role model.


I don't think you understand the magnitude of that event for me. I didn't think I'd ever orgasm again in my life. I'd considered suicide after my accident happened. After she gave me that BJ, there was hope. It might have been the happiest moment of my life. That's when I stopped considering suicide. Please cut me a little slack here... men can cry too.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I think you already know your answer. 

While it's possible your wife's inner freak could be coaxed out of hiding, it's not likely.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

A woman who loves you would be willing to give you head if that was the only way you could come.

I haven't read your entire thread. Are you able to satisfy her with intercourse?

I think your biggest issue with leaving, apart from breaking up what is perhaps a decent if stressed marriage, is finding a partner who will accommodate your sexual issues. You seem nice, so it's possible, but you should be realistic there are a lot of shallow people who might be turned off by your specific needs, especially if reciprocity is an issue.

The toys are good suggestions, but don't solve the intimacy issue between you and your wife.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

*Re: I need Oral Sex to orgasm, but wife refuses.*



wantshelp said:


> I don't think you understand the magnitude of that event for me. I didn't think I'd ever orgasm again in my life. I'd considered suicide after my accident happened. After she gave me that BJ, there was hope. It might have been the happiest moment of my life. That's when I stopped considering suicide. Please cut me a little slack here... men can cry too.


Wait....

You considered suicide because you thought you would never O again? You would have left your kids in the world without a father....over an orgasm.

You're not paralyzed. You're not mentally incapable of caring for yourself. You're a healthy male. People who have no limbs or are paralyzed would DIE to be where you are. To get up and walk and move and play with their children. They consider suicide because they can't do anything for themselves, they can't work their old job, they can't do their old hobbies....They can't use the bathroom without having someone help them....

Suicide over an orgasm....I'm sorry. It's just hard for me to wrap my head around. I work with wounded warriors and I just can't even...There are more important things in this world, I swear it. If you are putting that above your own life and how it would hurt your children, then maybe you should seek counseling about your injury. 

(I get you're not thinking about it anymore, but you considered it at a point due to lack of O's.) Your life means more than that. It means more than that to your kids.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I love giving and receiving oral on a regular basis, so women who not only don't mind, but love it, are out there. High drive women who actually like sex are out there, too. I think you should end the sham and go find one.

I honestly don't know how you've hung on this long. I get antsy after a few days and darn near lose my mind if it's been 1-2 weeks. I couldn't imagine months.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

> Wait....
> 
> You considered suicide because you thought you would never O again? You would have left your kids in the world without a father....over an orgasm.
> 
> Your life means more than that. It means more than that to your kids.


I appreciate what you're saying. And you are of course right. I was in a very dark place and nothing else seemed to matter. I just wanted everything to end and to stop thinking about it. Suicide seemed like a way out. I was seeing my therapist at that time. I am better now. And I know for some folks orgasm is not that important, but for me it is. I don't think it's fair for anyone to judge the value that may have for someone else. We all have different values and priorities in life.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

sapientia said:


> A woman who loves you would be willing to give you head if that was the only way you could come.
> 
> I haven't read your entire thread. Are you able to satisfy her with intercourse?
> .


Thanks, that is helpful. I am able to satisfy her with intercourse. I am happy to give my partner oral. 

What if I had intercourse and my partner helped me finish orally? Is that preferable to 2-5 minutes of BJ, because the finish is all that matters really. Trying not to get too graphic, but I can't help it. 

I am a nice guy, I am successful, 5'11", and I have been told that I am good looking. But you're right, finding someone will be trickier. There are plenty of other guys that don't have such problems.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

wantshelp said:


> Thanks, that is helpful. I am able to satisfy her with intercourse. I am happy to give my partner oral.
> 
> What if I had intercourse and my partner helped me finish orally? Is that preferable to 2-5 minutes of BJ, because the finish is all that matters really. Trying not to get too graphic, but I can't help it.


Suggest it. That's all you can do. Is your wife interested in sex at all?

Is she not susceptible to the idea of mutual satisfaction? If she gets and orgasm and you don't, doesn't she think that unfair? Have you discussed this?

Maybe its the taste (maybe even hers?) that turns her off and she won't say? You can always keep some clean wipes nearby after intercourse to remove her scent if she doesn't like it?

The other thing is she should research is handjobs. They can be done in a very skillful way that is just as good as oral, using a good lube. If you can ONLY get off with oral, this sounds as psychological on your part vs. physical. You could try watching some oral porn which she gives you a handjob if she is really resistant to oral. 

I'm probably not the best person to answer such questions. Our mouths are way grosser than many other body parts, yet people object to oral sex and are fine with kissing. It's just puritan conditioning. Not logical.

Good luck, hope this helps.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

sapientia said:


> Suggest it. That's all you can do.


Actually, I was thinking more with a prospective new partner. I was wondering generally if sex, then finishing orally is more acceptable for women in general. My wife is not interested in either, so I doubt she'd be interested in both :/



> Is your wife interested in sex at all?


I think her natural desire is to have sex twice a year. The other times we have sex, I initiated and it feels like she is doing it only because she feels bad that I haven't had any in so long. One of my favorite lines is when I try to be affectionate, i ask her if she might want to get together, she responds with, "but we just did it a week ago". Sometimes she says that and it was actually 2 weeks. But whatever. 



> Is she not susceptible to the idea of mutual satisfaction? If she gets an orgasm and you don't, doesn't she think that unfair? Have you discussed this?


I think she is persuaded by the idea of mutual satisfaction. She is almost obsessive about equality in all aspects of life. I know I believe in mutual satisfaction. But honestly I think she stops me from giving her oral, even though she loves it, because I think she'll feel obligated to do it to me. But, I've never directly asked her. 



> The other thing is she should research is handjobs. They can be done in a very skillful way that is just as good as oral, using a good lube. If you can ONLY get off with oral, this sounds as psychological on your part vs. physical. You could try watching some oral porn which she gives you a handjob if she is really resistant to oral.


Hand jobs are more rare than BJs. But that's probably because I rarely ask for them. And I rarely ask for them because I feel like it's not going to work any better than masturbation, but I could be wrong. With respect to there being less of a mental block, I'm not sure about that. The last time I asked her for a hand job we'd each given each other massages naked with coconut oil. I massaged her first. When she was done with me I was erect. She'd massaged me everywhere else and I said "you missed a spot" with a smile. She was angry because she said "I thought you just wanted a massage" as if I'd tricked her. She said something like, I'm not touching that, and walked away. 



> Good luck, hope this helps.


Thanks.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I've read a lot of the replies that bjs 4 or 5 times a week is asking too much. He did say it can happen after intercourse, and it only takes a few minutes. HOW is this different than a woman who can't orgasm from intercourse and needs and gets oral everytime the couple has sex? I have several female friends like this, who get oral everytime they have sex. How is this different??


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

wantshelp said:


> the very reason you married


This has been swirling around my head ever since I saw it. It just seems, well, troubling. You've made several other comments that hint to this sort of thing. That you basically married for sex and you don't want to leave primarily because you don't think you'll find someone to meet your sexual needs. Is that really what you think marriage is about? Was your sex life pre-marriage really the "very reason you married"?


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

WorkingOnMe said:


> wantshelp said:
> 
> 
> > the very reason you married
> ...


Good question. I've asked myself that too. Thinking back to our engagement, all I can tell you is that I was in love. There was love desire and passion. I felt wanted. To me marriage is a lifelong commitment to someone. To me that means you want to and take pleasure in satisfying your partner. What I realized in the last year, looking back on the last 15 years is that I was fully committed to her but she is not committed to me. Her rejection of me under these hard circumstances and even long before has shown me that. I feel that she has abandoned me when I really needed her. 

To me marriage is fully commiting to each other for life, not just until the ring goes on the finger. Sorry if that sounds harsh. 

And, it's nice that so many folks are thinking of me. I am swirling around your head on a Saturday


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

OliviaG said:


> I enjoy satisfying my partner is what it comes down to.


Me too. I love getting my partner to orgasm. That is tremendously rewarding to me. 



> If you are a good man and a good partner I feel like you will be able to find a woman who is not intimidated by your injury and who will want to please you very much, I really do. I imagine you could find someone who would do anything in her power to help you figure out a variety of things that might work for you.


Thanks so much. I really appreciate the encouragement. 



> That said, of course you will be trying to find options that work for you when you are alone too. I hope you can find some as that would probably be such a great relief to you. Don't give up, try everything.


I will never stop trying. 



> Have you had any surgical consultations?
> 
> I know that sometimes surgery is used experimentally for nerve damage due to cycling injuries. I don't think it's always successful, but there are successes, and it might be worth looking for a surgeon who has experience with those procedures?


I have had 2 surgical consults from two of the leading pudendal nerve surgeons in the country. They could not offer me any surgical treatment. I can drop names, but honestly, for me the best resource for doctors is the pudendalhope.info website. I have talked to 9 doctors about this, 4 were highly specialized. But if there is a doc you think I should consult, let me know. I will never give up. 

In general though, if someone has vaginal or penis pain or numbess or no orgasm, there are solutions for some folks, but not everyone...


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

she is not going to wake up one day and love giving you oral Sex and be super enthusiastic about it. Time to wake up from that dream and be realistic. She will not change. You can either accept the situation your in and learn how to appreciate the good things about her, or divorce her and hope there is something better out there. Reality is... It's going to be hard to find a women without baggage that is willing to be with a man that already has kids with another women and penis problems. 
There are many women who go through their entire life and never experience a orgasm. It's not the end of the world. People have it far worse than you do trust me.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> she is not going to wake up one day and love giving you oral Sex and be super enthusiastic about it. Time to wake up from that dream and be realistic. She will not change.


I agree. I don't think it's realistic to expect her to change back to the way she was before our wedding 15 years ago. My therapist called what she did a "bait and switch". 



> There are many women who go through their entire life and never experience a orgasm. It's not the end of the world. People have it far worse than you do trust me.


Are you saying I am lucky to have had 5 orgasms last year because some people can't have orgasms at all? Do I have that right? 

A sexless marriage is not a marriage. With the one exception when it's a mutual decision. 

When my wife decided that love and affection was not a priority, she effectively ended our marriage at that moment. Maybe you think 15 years of trying is not long enough.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

*Re: I need Oral Sex to orgasm, but wife refuses.*

I am saying that being happy has a lot to do with perspective. There is a lot of good in your life and in your marriage. Focus on that. 
It sounds like u already made up your mind. Yet... You still want to talk about how horrible of a women she is bc she won't blow you 5x a week. If that's something you need then leave her. To me, it sounds like you just want to complain and not do anything.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

katiecrna said:


> I am saying that being happy has a lot to do with perspective. There is a lot of good in your life and in your marriage. Focus on that.
> It sounds like u already made up your mind. Yet... You still want to talk about how horrible of a women she is bc she won't blow you 5x a week. If that's something you need then leave her. To me, it sounds like you just want to complain and not do anything.


He's had 5 orgasms in the past YEAR. He's not leaving because she won't blow him 5 times a week.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

OliviaG said:


> I don't have any suggestions, just wanted to encourage you to seek out a good surgeon if you hadn't already...
> 
> Sounds like you've explored every good option that you've been able to find. I wish I had some knowledge that would be helpful.


Thanks. It's actually the search for treatment that has also been another red flag for me. After my injury, my wife begged me to stop seeing doctors. I was flying from coast to coast. She said I was obsessing over it and I'd seen enough doctors, in her opinion. She later told me that she was afraid I'd leave her if my injury was somehow fixed. I told her that I was going to see as many doctors as I need to so that I know for sure that there is nothing to be done. 

To me it seemed like, she thought this was divine intervention. She thought now I wouldn't want to have sex because it doesn't feel good. And we could settle into our celibate lives together. But, my desire is still there and I still want to try. To me this entire situation has made me see the truth, which is that she is not committed to me. When I needed her just to encourage me, she turned her back to me. She was the only person in the world that I'd confided in completely, so I needed her to be supportive, as I had been to her throughout our marriage. But, I guess this is another case where she is not willing to reciprocate.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

Livvie said:


> He's had 5 orgasms in the past YEAR. He's not leaving because she won't blow him 5 times a week.


Thanks for pointing that out Livvie. But do more folks agree with Katie, that I should be happy with 5 orgasms a year, because my wife won't have sex with me? I suppose, I have inherent priorities in my view of what is important in marriage. Here are mine: 

1. Love, honor, and cherish (with partner)
2. 100% Commitment (to partner)
2. Support Kids (in every way)
4. Provide for a comfortable life (financially)


I suspect Katie's might be:

1. Support Kids (in every way)
2. Provide for a comfortable life (financially)
3. 100% Commitment (to partner)
4. Love, honor, and cherish (with partner)

Am I on target or off-base with my priorities? For Katie it seems that once you have kids, it's immoral to leave the marriage, even if there is no love. But, I don't want to put words in Katie's mouth here. Katie, what is basis of your argument for why someone should stay put in a loveless marriage? Morals? Values? Your interpretation of marriage? 

You see, to me, my wife broke our wedding vow to love honor and cherish. And this isn't anything new. I told her in counseling in 2003 that I felt she had broken our wedding vows. She was stunned that I would consider her routine rejection of me, a breaking of our vows. 

With respect to breaking marital vows, how does the routine rejection of a spouse compare to infidelity. Infidelity seems worse, but forcing your partner to near celibacy is bad too. 

What do y'all think?


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

OP, unable to read your entire thread, but coming from a man who left a 30 year marriage where BJ's were very sparse and only when I begged pleaded cried enough did they happen, never to completion, let me tell you. There are plenty of women (sidebar: realizing that Im dating not married) who love giving BJ's! In fact have met a few that giving one is their preferred activity. The first time I found such a woman I questioned her repeatedly because I could not believe it was true! IT is. Don't let the worry of finding such a person stop you. Heck looks like anything might be a step up.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

OliviaG said:


> Wow, I'm just about speechless at her attitude. Wow.
> 
> I'm sure she doesn't understand what it's like to have desire - that it's a HUNGER that you can't ignore. But even so, her attitude towards you and your injury...there are no words for how hurtful that is. It's downright mean.


I've described it exactly like that, as if it were a "hunger". It's clear she does not understand that. 



> Have you asked her whether, if you were healed from this injury if she'd wish some other affliction on you that would keep you dependent on her so you wouldn't leave? Does she realize how awful it is to think that way? It sounds like the opposite of love to me.


No, I have not asked her if she wishes another affliction on me. But oddly enough, we have talking in counseling about her desire to have a chronic illness, so that I can care for her. She loves being attended to when sick. I think she didn't get the attention she wanted growing up. One of her most cherished memories is how well I took care of her after she had minor surgery. I took care of everything and got her whatever she needed. I thought she liked it because it showed how committed I was in her time of need. That she could count on me.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

wantshelp said:


> Thanks for pointing that out Livvie. But do more folks agree with Katie, that I should be happy with 5 orgasms a year, because my wife won't have sex with me? I suppose, I have inherent priorities in my view of what is important in marriage. Here are mine:
> 
> 1. Love, honor, and cherish (with partner)
> 2. 100% Commitment (to partner)
> ...



I don't agree with her that you should be happy with 5 a year. But I do agree with her that you're indulging in complaining without doing anything about it.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

WorkingOnMe said:


> But I do agree with her that you're indulging in complaining without doing anything about it.


What should I be doing about it, in your opinion?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

wantshelp said:


> What should I be doing about it, in your opinion?



You already know she's not changing. So either leave or quit whining. Staying and being miserable are on you at this point.


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## woodyh (Oct 23, 2015)

If oral sex from the wife was the only way I could orgasm, I wouldn't get any orgasms either. My wife will do lots of things, but she won't give oral at all, just won't happen.
I love giving to her though, but she never gives back.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

*Re: I need Oral Sex to orgasm, but wife refuses.*

I'm sorry but the reality is those are his choices. She's not changing. And it's pretty clear she doesn't love him. Not like a husband anyway. If he stays and continues to bemoan his self selected lot in life it's going to eat him up inside. So if he chooses to stay he needs to own that choice with no expectations of her.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

OliviaG said:


> You know, it's easy to tell someone to just leave, but I don't know that I could very easily just give up living with my children while they grow up. If his only choices are leave the marriage and growing children or stay and put up with it, well that choice would rip my heart out.


Thanks OliviaG, that is EXACTLY what I am struggling with. I love my kids to pieces (so does my wife), but my love life is absolutely intolerable. The biggest comfort I have is folks that say their kids were better off afterward. I know my wife and I will continue to be great parents, even if we're no longer together. I know some traditionalists might challenge that, but I know I can do it.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

*Re: I need Oral Sex to orgasm, but wife refuses.*



WorkingOnMe said:


> If he stays and continues to bemoan his self selected lot in life it's going to eat him up inside. So if he chooses to stay he needs to own that choice with no expectations of her.


Under no circumstances would I stay with no expectations of her. I absolutely will not continue like this for much longer. I would only stay if she could change. The only problem is that I feel like the horse left the barn when I said I wanted a divorce. I didn't trust her with my heart before that and now I don't trust her change of heart. If she couldn't find it in her to love me before I announced my desire for divorce, I don't expect it to be a genuine response now.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

OliviaG said:


> Well I don't know what I'd do in your situation, but I'm going to tell you that if you were to go outside of the marriage to get your sexual needs met, I could not blame you at all. I'm going to be flamed into oblivion for saying so, but that's the truth. Whether I would do it or not, I don't know. There's a very real possibility that I would though, if I'm being honest. I would do a lot of things before I'd move away from my kids, I think.


I've certainly thought about it. In my head it's easily justified. Why should I continue to hold myself to vows that she does not uphold herself. And at the same time, it feels unfair that I should lose seeing my kids everyday because of her choice. If I have a mistress, I get sex, I get to see my kids, and my wife gets what she wants - no sex. I could ask for an open marriage. But, my morals prevent me from accepting that solution. I think it's not unfair, but that crosses a line for me. Also, if I have an affair, I will no longer be viewed as the victim. Everyone will see an affair as the true reason for divorce, and never know or care about the 15 years of neglect preceding it. But also, it's not a real solution. I might have sex, but I won't have the love I really want. 

I will say this though. Growing up, I always thought men that cheated on their wives were scumbags, and that I would always treat my partner with love and respect. But now I realize that it is not all black and white and realize that the wronged spouse is not always so innocent. 

Thanks for sticking your neck out OliviaG.


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## RayceCarrington (May 10, 2015)

women are like that they say they love you and tell you your gross at the same time. Sex is nothing if you love someone don't put so much importance on it just cut her off something she likes in bed and carry on loving her. In the end women control sex it's all about what they want. so you won't get what you want anyway. Leaving someone you love because you don't get the kind of sex you want or don't get any sex is stupid


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

RayceCarrington said:


> women are like that they say they love you and tell you your gross at the same time. Sex is nothing if you love someone don't put so much importance on it just cut her off something she likes in bed and carry on loving her. In the end women control sex it's all about what they want. so you won't get what you want anyway. Leaving someone you love because you don't get the kind of sex you want or don't get any sex is stupid


No, women do not control sex. The partner who wants sex less usually controls sex. There are plenty of women with men who don't want sex.

There are also plenty of couples who have excellent, satisfying sex lives. You can get what you want. 

I disagree with everything in this quoted post.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

RayceCarrington said:


> ...Sex is nothing if you love someone don't put so much importance on it...


You don't see the hypocrisy in that statement? Isn't it fair to say that if my wife loves me, she would want to make love to me or make more of an effort than once every 2 months? You don't think it's fair for a spouse to expect a love life? It is important to me and she was we'll aware of that before I put the ring on her finger. 



> Leaving someone you love because you don't get the kind of sex you want or don't get any sex is stupid


I appreciate that you think sex is not a necessary part of marriage. Since my wife is my only morally acceptable source for sex, I respectfully disagree. I've never been demanding. I've always been accommodating. I never told her "I want sex 5 times a week or I am leaving." But ultimately, the sex is a symptom of a lack of affection, commitment and love. And that is the real problem.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

Livvie said:


> No, women do not control sex. The partner who wants sex less usually controls sex.


This is exactly my experience with my wife. She is fond of saying "It takes 2 yes's or 1 no". I think that statement is an acknowledgement that in my marriage, her opinion is that the partner who wants sex less is the controller. When she wants sex, she gets it every time because I am so desperate (after 2 months of no contact) that I cannot resist, and I would not withhold it to spite her. But when I want sex, I don't get a sympathetic, "maybe tomorrow". I get a full-on verbal assault about how I don't "see" her. I don't see that she is tired today (mind you, I work full time and she works 2 days (school hours only) a week). She is incredulous that I would even ask. Of course, it quickly became a routine, that as soon as I would get home, she would not so subtly tell me about today's reason for why I should not even bother with any romance. She might say, "I slept like crap last night" (My thoughts: well, you had the entire day off to take an F-ing nap). Or something hurts. Or I have to exercise tonight (and she doesn't do it), or I don't have time tonight (then stays up late reading a book), or I started my period and it'll probably last a week, so..., or I am PMSy this week, or the kids have school tomorrow (My thoughts: that is every weekday, so sex is automatically out on Sun-Thurs!?) or whatever. 



> I disagree with everything in this quoted post.


Thanks Livvie. How many women though agree with Livvie and how many agree with RayceCarrington? And why?


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

Livvie said:


> I've read a lot of the replies that bjs 4 or 5 times a week is asking too much. He did say it can happen after intercourse, and it only takes a few minutes. HOW is this different than a woman who can't orgasm from intercourse and needs and gets oral everytime the couple has sex? I have several female friends like this, who get oral everytime they have sex. How is this different??





OliviaG said:


> As far as I can tell it's no different at all.


I've been thinking about this since y'all posted it. The idea of fairness is very important to me. My needs are similar to that of many women, because I usually need oral sex for an orgasm. My wife is the same way. PIV sex leads to orgasm maybe 20% of the time for her, so I will do a variety of other activities for her to get her there. So, I'm thinking it is not an unfair thing to be asking. 

Having said that, I am certain she would give up orgasms herself to avoid having to reciprocate. She loves the orgasms when they happen. She'll frequently say, "why did I resist at all?" But later, it's like she doesn't remember how great it was. I even try to talk to her about it later, but she always wants me to stop talking. It's like she is ashamed. I might say, "you were amazing last night" and she will immediately shush me. Again, in her mind, she's been trained from youth that sex is bad, demeaning, and what the bad girls do. Good girls don't do those things (sex).


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

I think the 180 is in the cards, you need to work on yourself, your only chance is if she sees you moving along she may be scared of losing you.

You say "why would I honor my vows when she does not honor hers?" I say, "How can you complain that they don't honor their vows when you don't either?" Your morals don't allow for an open marriage, but you are considering an affair? again ?

When my divorce was pending, just waiting for the court to do its work, I called my XW and asked her to release me from my vow to her. She said, "Go for it Hoosier". So I did! With a clear conscious, I didn't need a court to tell me we were divorced, but I sure needed her to. Only occasionally looked back since that day, and then always quickly back a head, as sadness was behind me, and oh so much fun is always straight ahead.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

Hoosier said:


> I think the 180 is in the cards, you need to work on yourself, your only chance is if she sees you moving along she may be scared of losing you.


What do you think I need to do to work on myself? 

180? As in a complete turnaround? So you think she might change if she is afraid of losing me? But I have 15 years of experience telling me she isn't interested in love and affection. Why should I believe her only after I told her I was thinking of divorce. I would love to hear from someone that can tell me that threatening divorce saved their marriage and it was real and lasting... I just find it hard to believe. Does anyone ever suggest that threatening divorce is a great way to save a marriage? 



> You say "why would I honor my vows when she does not honor hers?" I say, "How can you complain that they don't honor their vows when you don't either?" Your morals don't allow for an open marriage, but you are considering an affair? again ?


Hmmm. What vows have I broken? I have not and would never have an affair. I would never break my vow like that. I was just saying I can see why people do it when their spouse refuses to participate fully in the marriage. And, an open marriage would work only with two very open-minded and committed people, that's not my wife, and it's probably not me either. 



> When my divorce was pending, just waiting for the court to do its work, I called my XW and asked her to release me from my vow to her. She said, "Go for it Hoosier". So I did! With a clear conscious, I didn't need a court to tell me we were divorced, but I sure needed her to.


I completely agree with this. In fact, about a month ago I similarly asked for my wife's permission... to divorce. I frequently prepare statements for counseling where I gather my thoughts. I read her this in counseling: 



> In 1999, I started to fall in love. A cute girl that was shy initially. But, once her guard was down, was free with love and affection. You were the one who asked me out through a friend. You were the one that kissed me first under the lightning on our first date. You were the one that invited me into the shower. You were the one waiting for me to get home to shower me with love. You were the one to ask me to marry you. I felt loved and I felt wanted. You filled a longing that I'd had since as long as I could remember. You've always been my friend, my confidant, and a wonderful mother, but as important as these are to me, I still need to feel loved and wanted more than anything else, to feel happy and fulfilled. Since we were married, you've apologized for being a "cold fish" or a "stick in the mud" but I refused to believe that was anything other than temporary. But, as time passed, that passionate girl started to disappear and was replaced with an anxious and less sexual person. I feel like you have slowly dragged me into a life of near celibacy that has made me profoundly unhappy. You know that I have tried to be patient and supportive from the beginning, but after many, many years, I have reached a crossroads. I am determined to be loved in the way I need. We won't live forever and I want to fill my life with love for as long as I live. I'm at a point in my life where I realize I don't care about things or money anymore. They are meaningless to me. If you know in your heart that the person I fell in love with is not coming back, if you can't find it inside you to be the passionate, physically affectionate Person that I fell in love with 16 years ago, *I beg you to please let me go*. Please find the courage to tell me the truth I deserve to know. <I had to stop reading here because she was in so much pain I could not bear to continue reading. we were both crying> I feel like I can't live another moment, knowing how wonderful love can be but not having it.


She really didn't give me a clear response at that time. But since then, she has said she wants to try to change for the better. But, after the years of rejection, I can't seem to let her back in. I am afraid she'll just wind up hurting me again. I don't trust her. I feel like a fool for having stayed as long as I have. And I feel that once I said I want a divorce, the relationship can't ever be the same again. We'll never be able to get back to the same level of trust we'd had.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Look up the 180. It is about detachment, improving yourself, physically, mentally, getting ready to go back out in the dating world. Someone can give you the link. 

I was only saying that if you did have an affair you would be breaking your vows. Keep calm. didn't say you broke any vows.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

wantshelp said:


> What do you think I need to do to work on myself?
> 
> 180? As in a complete turnaround? So you think she might change if she is afraid of losing me? But I have 15 years of experience telling me she isn't interested in love and affection. Why should I believe her only after I told her I was thinking of divorce. I would love to hear from someone that can tell me that threatening divorce saved their marriage and it was real and lasting... I just find it hard to believe. Does anyone ever suggest that threatening divorce is a great way to save a marriage?
> 
> ...


I really wish I could sit down and have a beer with you and chat about this for a bit. You're right where I was about 1 1/2 years ago. Now, I know I'm one of the ones saying just go. But if she's really trying and you're open to it on some level, then you should stop and think for a bit. 

I went through a 10 year sexless period (i.e. less than 10 times a year). A few years ago I was at the end of my rope. We never went to counseling but I had a similar conversation with my wife. I can honestly say she's been trying, and like you I'm the one having a hard time letting her in. And yes, there have been setbacks. 

At this point I don't take rejection well at all. Even the smallest rejection results in me telling her it's unacceptable in a "conversation" that goes on for a day or two. I rarely initiate, and often put her off when she does. But we manage to have sex 1 or 2 times a week and we're getting to the point where I think she probably would not reject me...but getting those feeling back takes time. It's not easy.

One of the reasons I harp on men to take action one way or the other is because I know from my own experience that if you let it go too far, you can't get back no matter how much she changes. And it's a catch 22 because she won't change unless it's all on the line. That's human nature. So she only changes once you use the D word, and as a consequence you don't easily trust the changes. But if the changes stick, you will open yourself back up to her over time. If it's not too late.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Hoosier said:


> Look up the 180. It is about detachment, improving yourself, physically, mentally, getting ready to go back out in the dating world. Someone can give you the link.
> 
> I was only saying that if you did have an affair you would be breaking your vows. Keep calm. didn't say you broke any vows.


I'm a big fan of the 180. I actually think that he could have used the 180 to destabilize the relationship and spark her to change. And of course, as you point out, if that didn't spark change then it helps him detach. 

But imho it's too late for the 180, unless he needs it to build up the courage to leave. Dropping the D bomb on her a little while back already destabilized the relationship. The 180 will only destabilize it more and discourage her if she's indeed trying to change. 

Again, if he's open to accepting her changing, and if she's really trying; then he should give it time. open up in small steps. Initiate and see if she accepts (if she doesn't remind her that rejection is a deal breaker).


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

Hoosier said:


> Look up the 180. It is about detachment, improving yourself, physically, mentally, getting ready to go back out in the dating world. Someone can give you the link.


Looked it up. Wow. I agree with this. I've totally been doing much of this. In January, I felt like divorce was likely. At that point, I started detaching and preparing. I lost all 30 pounds I'd gained during our marriage. Number 11 happened recently; she tried to get me to say "I love you", I did not say it because I didn't want her to get the impression that everything is ok. One thing I did recently was plan a summer trip to see my family in Florida. I allowed it only because in my mind the trip is still viable without her. 



> I was only saying that if you did have an affair you would be breaking your vows. Keep calm. didn't say you broke any vows.


Ah. I misunderstood I think...


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

*Re: I need Oral Sex to orgasm, but wife refuses.*



WorkingOnMe said:


> I really wish I could sit down and have a beer with you and chat about this for a bit. You're right where I was about 1 1/2 years ago. Now, I know I'm one of the ones saying just go.


I would appreciate such a candid conversion. I feel like I am being torn in half. But, I am a rational guy and I will find my way...


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

*Re: I need Oral Sex to orgasm, but wife refuses.*



WorkingOnMe said:


> I'm sorry but the reality is those are his choices. She's not changing. And it's pretty clear she doesn't love him. Not like a husband anyway. If he stays and continues to bemoan his self selected lot in life it's going to eat him up inside. So if he chooses to stay he needs to own that choice with no expectations of her.


I think both you and Olivia are right.

I think she will not change. She has shown herself to not care about him enough and in fact to be 'sexaphobic'. She's secretly (or not so secretly) glad he had his accident. that's pretty bad.

But I agree with Olivia too. It's an agonizing, gut wrenching decision to make. One that'll tear your heart out, regardless that she may be heartless about it.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

*Re: I need Oral Sex to orgasm, but wife refuses.*



jorgegene said:


> I think both you and Olivia are right.
> 
> I think she will not change. She has shown herself to not care about him enough and in fact to be 'sexaphobic'. She's secretly (or not so secretly) glad he had his accident. that's pretty bad.
> 
> But I agree with Olivia too. It's an agonizing, gut wrenching decision to make. One that'll tear your heart out, regardless that she may be heartless about it.


Thanks for the validation and empathy.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

*My wife says I am not normal and obsessed with sex...*

We had quite the fight last night. She said that wanting to have sex in different places and different ways is not normal. And wanting to have sex everyday is not normal. She said that I have an abnormal sex obsession. She said we were all better when we were having sex 2 times a month, and she doesn't understand why I am making such a big deal about it. I thought to myself, according to the sexual journal publications, we have sex less frequently than the oldest age group polled (age 70-80). I like to say was have sex as often as the dead . But, I didn't mention that. I said our love life is not normal. Then she said bull, you don't care about love unless it's between your legs. Then I could not contain myself. I said "I'm done" and slammed the door on my way out and slept on the couch... 

My question is... I know there are differing degrees of normal. Every relationship is different, but *is wanting to have sex with your spouse everyday unreasonable? * (reminder: during most of my marriage, it's been about once a month).


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

If you haven't consistently had sex everyday with your partner, you really can't be sure that is something you'd want long term. Depending on your age and life structure, making it an everyday event may be a little exhausting after awhile. I certainly think sex a few times a week is totally reasonable, though!


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## gogetting (Mar 24, 2016)

*Re: I need Oral Sex to orgasm, but wife refuses.*

To ask anyone for oral 4-5 times a week is way too much, once a week tops or simply not at all if she really dislikes it.
What is she getting out of it other than your pleasure? Is that 'other gratification' enough for you to pleasure her to her liking?
Will you gratify her 4-5 times a week as she likes without thinking of what you yourself are getting out of it in return?

A blowjob is not an entitlement within a marriage and I find it extremely distasteful that you're even thinking of divorcing her because of her dislike for blowjobs. She has not changed, you're the one that has changed demands and expect her to solve a new situation by doing something she has always hated.
The fact that you'd consider divorce as a way out of your problem with orgasms is not surprising, given the fact that when a woman gets ill and cannot have sex anymore 99% of men divorce their sick wives, sex is too important to them - perhaps you could try and see if one of the women that cannot have vaginal sex is willing to give you a chance since both of you rely on oral stimulation.

I hope you find a solution to your problem that doesn't involve hurting your wife. If she dislikes oral sex perhaps she's not getting love and respect while she's performing. Some men like to push a woman's head down for their own gratification, something many women feel is akin to oral rape/forced oral sex. If you expect her to work around your predicament I think you are obligated to try working around her feelings too.


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## gogetting (Mar 24, 2016)

The main reason I stopped wanting to have sex with my husband was that he never paid me any real attention and expected me to be ready to go as fast as he was. Then I was left unsatisfied and had to ask him to help finish me off which he was really bad at and made the whole thing just embarrassing for me. It's not that I didn't like sex, he just wasn't any good at foreplay, fingerplay or oral sex, and no matter how I tried to coax him with play he was clumsy and didn't get much better with instructions and practice. So after a while it was me that didn't want to have sex (with him) that often and loyalty kept me from going elsewhere. 
I simply will not understand how bigg'a deal sex is to men, especially when it's just meh.


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## Lurkster (Feb 8, 2016)

*Re: I need Oral Sex to orgasm, but wife refuses.*



gogetting said:


> To ask anyone for oral 4-5 times a week is way too much, once a week tops or simply not at all if she really dislikes it.


I think that may be true in some, or maybe even most cases, but not always. 
When we have sex, my wife gets oral, 99% of the time she gets oral. 
She likes it (to say the least) and I like doing it. That is the determining factor in how often it happens. 
For me, probably 60% of the time, and I'm more than good with that. 

I do agree that it's a matter of likes & dislikes, and surely both ways.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I agree to this. I said before elsewhere in the thread, I have many girlfriends who need and GET oral everytime there is a sexual encounter because it is the main way they orgasm. They kind of expect it.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

wantshelp said:


> No, I have tried Fleshlight, Autoblow2, CobraLibre2, and others, but I will try anything. Thanks for this suggestion.
> 
> 
> 
> I do still have the desire. Frustrating is definitely the word. I cried every night for the 6 months after the accident. It's been terrible. And my wife seems unable to help me.


I'm sorry you find yourself here. Women experience this more often than men, but to hear a man experience it and his wife not want to do her part is sad. It will ruin your marriage. Nothing to offer except understanding. If she's not open to it, then it's not going to work in my view.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

*Re: My wife says I am not normal and obsessed with sex...*



wantshelp said:


> My question is... I know there are differing degrees of normal. Every relationship is different, but *is wanting to have sex with your spouse everyday unreasonable? * (reminder: during most of my marriage, it's been about once a month).


IMO, it's not unreasonable to want/have sex every day (we do). It IS unreasonable to expect to jump from once or several times a month to daily or even every few days, if you've never done that before.

Overall, it sounds like you have a sexually incompatible wife who cares little for your needs and feelings. IMO, it's time to move on when you are not loved.


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

I also don't like it. It makes me want to gag. Maybe I also have a mental block but to me it is gross! Some women just don't like it. You're a coward for wanting to divorce her because she's not gratifying you.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Threeblessings said:


> I also don't like it. It makes me want to gag. Maybe I also have a mental block but to me it is gross! Some women just don't like it. You're a coward for wanting to divorce her because she's not gratifying you.




That's how you describe a loving act between a loving married couple? Gross? Gag? And you claim you're high drive?


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

WorkingOnMe said:


> That's how you describe a loving act between a loving married couple? Gross? Gag? And you claim you're high drive?


I claimed no such thing! There are lots of others ways to show love. This post is not about a loving couple, oh please. I think you should read it again. It is quite explicit about what the poster is wanting/demanding and his wife not being able to do one thing we know about it!


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

Livvie said:


> If you haven't consistently had sex everyday with your partner, you really can't be sure that is something you'd want long term. Depending on your age and life structure, making it an everyday event may be a little exhausting after awhile. I certainly think sex a few times a week is totally reasonable, though!


You're ABSOLUTELY right! It is impossible for me to know how often I would want to make love to someone. All I can tell you is that before we got married, we had sex so often (5-7 times/week), I never masturbated because if I did and she came calling, it would be harder to perform because I have a long refractory period. But, my desire was completely satisfied by her. Then, after we got married, my wife started to reject me and I had to start masturbating. I continued this for our entire marriage, until my injury. Then, the only thing that worked was oral sex. And that was more rare than a full moon, so I literally felt like I was going crazy with no way to satisfy my physical desire at all anymore. So, when I say I want someone that would have sex with me that often, it's an assumption based on my desire to masturbate before I was injured. But you're right, I probably am and will slow down as I get older. And honestly, I'd probably be happy with 3-4 times a week, but I don't know.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

Threeblessings said:


> I also don't like it. It makes me want to gag. Maybe I also have a mental block but to me it is gross! Some women just don't like it. You're a coward for wanting to divorce her because she's not gratifying you.


I understand your perspective, but how dare you call me a coward for wanting a divorce. You have no clue what I have been through. So you think I should stay in a marriage for the rest of my life and endure being sexually frustrated with a handful of orgasms a year because my wife doesn't want to do gross stuff. You think it's ok for a spouse to prioritize the avoidance of something gross over making their partner feel happy and loved. Your position is totally understandable under normal circumstances where there are a multitude of ways to orgasm, but that is not my situation. This is not a preference for me. If my wife loved a particular sex position or act and it was the only way for her to orgasm, what kind of husband would I be to tell her I won't do it. Not, "I can't do it", but "I won't do it." ?? Am I a coward for wanting someone that is as committed to satisfying me as I am committed to my partner? Honestly, if you're looking for a coward you should look in the mirror. I think someone that won't do something a little "gross" for the love of their partner is the coward. Whether you are a man or a woman. I will do anything for my partner, and I don't think it's too much to ask for the same in return.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

Two corrections. 



Threeblessings said:


> It is quite explicit about what the poster is wanting/*demanding* ...


1) I have the utmost respect for my partner to choose to do something for me or not. Please don't project your crappy prior relationships onto me. I NEVER demanded anything. I never raised my voice. In fact, prior to 2015 I had NEVER ONCE asked her for a blow job. And the first one she did, I did not ask for. I know she doesn't want to do BJs. I just told her what I like to do and what feels good to me. If anything I was too timid about expressing my desires and fantasies. 



Threeblessings said:


> ... his wife not being able to do one thing we know about it!


2) she is perfectly able to give BJs, she does not WANT to. There is an important distinction.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

@wantshelp you may have mentioned this already - Can you get an erection and have PIV? 

Has your urologist explored reconnecting the nerve? Microsurgery and time may be the answer. Nerves regenerate although they take months and sometimes a year to do so. There may be urologic specialist who deals with your injury. Try searching and calling urology centers of excellence. If they can't help you, they may be able to recommend a specialist.

I think fixing the nerve problem is more important than fixing your wife. Blaming your wife may be satisfying but fruitless because its not her. Your unique sexual requirements and finding the need for a unique partner is your problem. 

Divorce may not solve your problem, you will still need to find a partner who will give you bj several times a week. It's not impossible, to find an understanding woman who really likes bj's.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Sorry to jump to the end of your thread so I don't know where you are with this, but you might look into Sinclair institute videos. They have real couples talking about sex and having sex. Women seem really responsive to it. My sex therapist suggested them.

Ironically my W pretty much only enjoyed BJs - and wouldn't let me perform oral on her. She liked the one we partially watched and I think it eased her mind about what is normal and ok. I bought 2 sets of DVDs do have an assortment in case some suck .

I'm pretty sure she won't be too excited by the one on anal but I'll try to have us watch it anyway eventually - even if she's not interested it's good to see normal people talking about what they enjoy and why in a non threatening and non porn and healthy and normal way.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

Catherine602 said:


> you may have mentioned this already - Can you get an erection and have PIV?


Yes, I can have an erection whenever I want and can have PIV and ejaculate as normal. The only problem is that I don't feel much and no orgasm happens at the time of ejaculation as it always used to before injury. 





Catherine602 said:


> Has your urologist explored reconnecting the nerve? Microsurgery and time may be the answer. Nerves regenerate although they take months and sometimes a year to do so.


I've met with multiple pudendal nerve surgeons (there are not a lot) and they said that there was nothing that could be done surgically. They believe the nerve sustained a compression injury and it may heal in a year or two, but said I should have noticed improvement by now. They said the nerve fibers at the distal end of the extremities are very small, unmyelinated and easily damaged. And they heal slowly, if ever. But, I have thought about getting more opinions. I expect this will be a life long struggle for me. 





Catherine602 said:


> I think fixing the nerve problem is more important than fixing your wife. Blaming your wife may be satisfying but fruitless because its not her.


I don't blame my wife for the accident in the least. I blame her for rejecting me and neglecting me as a husband for years. She earned that and she acknowledges that. And I blame myself for letting it go on for so long. I got stuck in this trap of trying to avoid pressuring my wife by conceding to her every time. I was trying to avoid conflict, thinking it would only make matters worse. And so I voiced my unhappiness, but in subtle ways. She knew I was unhappy with sex once a month, but she didn't know the extent. That's on me and her. It was a bad dynamic. I should have explicitly said what my expectations were before marriage. That was my biggest regret. And I'd made the mistake of assuming that she would do anything for me if I reciprocated. I know I was willing to do anything for her. I made the mistake of assuming she felt the same. She did not. It is a painful life lesson. 





Catherine602 said:


> Divorce may not solve your problem, you will still need to find a partner who will give you bj several times a week. It's not impossible, to find an understanding woman who really likes bj's.


I agree. And, you're right, I think there are women out there that don't have any issue with BJs, particularly if the act is reciprocated.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Sorry to jump to the end of your thread so I don't know where you are with this, but you might look into Sinclair institute videos. They have real couples talking about sex and having sex. Women seem really responsive to it. My sex therapist suggested them.


Thanks for the recommendation. I'll check it out.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You should still search. The Mayo Clinic and Cleveland Clinic may have or know an MD. These institution are at the leading edge of therapy in many areas. Even if you don't find anything now, keep your eye out, things can change in the future. You should also read scientific papers that deal with your problem. 

Call the lead author to ask about treatment. The authors are glad to talk to a person in need of help or suggest someone who may be able to help. . Be relentless and persistent. Dr.'s don't know everything and the best advocate for you is you. 

It's true that nerves can regenerate but it is a very slow process. It depends on how far the fibers need to travel, it can take 18 months -24 months. I don't remember what you said about how long ago this happened but the rate of healing varies for each individual. 

Do you remember the story about Christopher Reeves, who was paralyzed for decades, regaining the ability to move his toe? He started a rigorous exercise schedule and the demand may have stimulated the re-innervation. You need to use it frequently to create the demand for re-innervation. 

This may mean that you need to masturbate frequently. I know that is not the most satisfying thing to do but t's worth the effort because of the possibility of a big payoff.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

Catherine602 said:


> You should still search.


 For sure. 





Catherine602 said:


> Call the lead author to ask about treatment.


 Love it. 





Catherine602 said:


> It's true that nerves can regenerate but it is a very slow process. It depends on how far the fibers need to travel, it can take 18 months -24 months. I don't remember what you said about how long ago this happened but the rate of healing varies for each individual.


I am at 16 months now with no improvement.





Catherine602 said:


> You need to use it frequently to create the demand for re-innervation.
> 
> 
> 
> This may mean that you need to masturbate frequently. I know that is not the most satisfying thing to do but t's worth the effort because of the possibility of a big payoff.




You seem to be quite knowledgeable in this area. I had two doctors tell me "use it or lose it". They both told me that stimulation may be required to reorganize the neurons and to reconnect. So I asked them if that means I should have sex to do that, and they said definitely. But, when I told my wife, she was skeptical they said that, at least that's the look I got from her. Like, "yeah right they said to have more sex... And the doctors were men?" Something like that. I have not brought it up since. It's a possibility that not have sex for the last year has made my situation permanently worse. And I think I resent my wife for that too. 



Anyways... Thanks for all the great thoughts.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I know about the nerves in the jaws. Sometimes they are cut or damaged during surgical procedures. The pt has facial numbness that may last 2 yrs or more before it starts coming back. 

Very few have permanent damage. I'm telling you this because your mental attitude is important, you need to have faith. Working long and hard for something that seems not to be responding is difficult. 

You do need the reward of seeing progress but you don't until after you have done the work. If you have a positive attitude, it helps. Read about Reeves, very inspiring. 

It you read about nerve regeneration, you'll see that 16 months is really not enough time. Also, you can place the demand on the nerve anytime after the injury, the nerve is not dead, it needs a road map so that the fibers know where to go to reconnect. The road map is provided by you. 

Any resentment is bad mentally for you. It is not your wife's fault that this happened. She appears not to understand the nature of the injury. Does she go to the Dr with you? Also, it's difficult to hear that your husband wants to have sex with you to heal his penis and not because he feels desire or love. This may be what she hears. 

When the Dr said use it or lose it he probably meant making an attempt to have an orgasm. You don't need your wife for that. Make it an exercise - once in the morning in the shower and once in the evening. W/E 3 times a day. Have sex with your wife as often as possible as a loving act. Tell her that you don't blame or resent her and you are working diligently on your injury.


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## lilwizzard (Jul 14, 2015)

*Re: I need Oral Sex to orgasm, but wife refuses.*

Start slow - perhaps once a week. Also make it as best you can for her, shower first, get flower, don't make her swallow etc. good luck.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

As someone who used to only give BJs, for some women it can become actually painful to do it too much. My jaw would ache, my whole lower face would be in pain, sometimes the insides of my lips would start to bleed or be raw from the rubbing on my teeth. Even my neck would start to get hurt depending on how I had to do it. Sex is so much easier, at least for some, than a BJ and so much more connection. I started to feel like a hooker or porn star. Just servicing him. Even if he did do something for me it was like my turn, his turn. Separate and you can't enjoy your post-O afterglow knowing you gotta get right up and give head. Plus the whole feeling of my vagina not being good enough, that he's rather have a bj than sex, caused some self esteem issues. 

I think if I was in the position again where I "had" to give BJs, I would want it to be more like lovemaking. Mix it in with foreplay. Get her all excited and then she gives oral for a bit, then break for some more touching and kissing, oral on her for a bit. I personally hate 69 but there's that option too. Oing as close together as you can and then relaxing in each other's arms. 

I don't think I could agree to *just* giving bjs a few times a week anymore. Even if I was getting oral too.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

*Re: I need Oral Sex to orgasm, but wife refuses.*



lilwizzard said:


> Start slow - perhaps once a week. Also make it as best you can for her, shower first, get flower, don't make her swallow etc. good luck.




I agree completely with this. I have been doing this. I stay trim and shower frequently and right before. I frequently get her flowers. And she already does not swallow. I even eat a lot of pineapple because I heard it makes semen taste better. I even tasted it myself. Rather bland, but not bad tasting, so I don't think that's it.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

While the flowers are nice, that's not related to sex and you must recognize that. It could make things worse by appearing to create a quid pro quo situation that she resents.

Glad you are doing the rest.

I think it comes down to her realizing this is a deal breaker in your marriage.

Does she understand this is a deal breaker?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

*Re: I need Oral Sex to orgasm, but wife refuses.*



wantshelp said:


> I agree completely with this. I have been doing this. I stay trim and shower frequently and right before. I frequently get her flowers. And she already does not swallow. I even eat a lot of pineapple because I heard it makes semen taste better. I even tasted it myself. Rather bland, but not bad tasting, so I don't think that's it.


The friends of mine who do not like to swallow don't have issue with the taste, it's a texture thing. Like a big wad of snot getting shot into their mouth. 
If you have enough saliva in your mouth you don't really taste it. 

But for myself the ending isn't where the issue is. Have you ever tried wrapping your mouth around something tightly and using suction and movement for 5-10 minutes? Once a week or so and it was ok but any more than that and the jaw pain, literal cramps in your face muscles, and the inside of your mouth gets raw and sore. It's painful and I think pain IS to much to ask of any spouse. 

I think you should keep trying to find other things that may work, a nice hj with oil/lube or getting just about there with another method.

TBH- If I was told my H can't O with my vagina but can with my mouth, I'd mostly just feel insulted.
There is spray made for women to make them more sensitive. IMO you should load up on that and practice, don't watch bj porn and research some positions and techniques that are best for low sensitivity. 
Sometimes using a vibrator in or on during sex can make a huge difference because he feels it too


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

*Re: I need Oral Sex to orgasm, but wife refuses.*



SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> TBH- If I was told my H can't O with my vagina but can with my mouth, I'd mostly just feel insulted.
> There is spray made for women to make them more sensitive. IMO you should load up on that and practice, don't watch bj porn and research some positions and techniques that are best for low sensitivity.
> Sometimes using a vibrator in or on during sex can make a huge difference because he feels it too


Remember, though, that he can't reach orgasm in her vagina because of nerve damage. And his wife doesn't actually want to have sex with him other than once every 6-8 weeks,if I remember right.

Sprays that sensitize might help, but I'd be cautious about using a vibrator without a doctor's input. It's fairly well documented that using a vibrator incorrectly can cause temporary and, in extreme cases of long term incorrect use, even permanent desensitization.

To answer your earlier question about normalcy, OP, DH and I are in our 40's and have been together a total of 16 years. We have ebs and flows in our sex life. Some days, we spend the entire day basically doing the bare minimum around the house between sex sessions. Other days, we do it just once. Sometimes, we'll skip a day or two. If one of us is ill, whether or not we have sex depends on exactly how ill. All in all, we average about 4-6 times a week.

Since we've been together for so long, it's natural that we want to do things for variety and spice. Different positions, different combinations of oral and PIV, different lighting and music, different locations in the house and sometimes the minivan, dress up in lingerie and/or boots and things, light role play, D/s, toys, random "just because" oral in the middle of the day, etc.

So, no, I don't think wanting some spice, variety, and an active sex life with your spouse is in any way abnormal or deviant.

ETA: I think the longest I have gone without sex since being married was 2 or 3 weeks back when DH was working a job that took him away from home for days at a time. Going that long dang near killed me. If I had to go an extended period of time without sex AND my DH wasn't into sex and/or me, I'd probably lose my mind and divorce. So, I give you much credit for trying as hard as you are. I really do. I'm not sure I could hack it.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> While the flowers are nice, that's not related to sex and you must recognize that. It could make things worse by appearing to create a quid pro quo situation that she resents.


Yeah. I don't think she values the flowers quite that much and I don't think I have ever insinuated or expected sex from them. I think they are viewed as a positive gesture. At this point, when I bring flowers, they barely get noticed. I don't even get a hug out of it. 



TheTruthHurts said:


> Glad you are doing the rest.


I'm really trying hard... I really don't want a divorce. 



TheTruthHurts said:


> I think it comes down to her realizing this is a deal breaker in your marriage.
> 
> Does she understand this is a deal breaker?


Yeah, at this point she is well aware.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

*Re: I need Oral Sex to orgasm, but wife refuses.*



SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> The friends of mine who do not like to swallow don't have issue with the taste, it's a texture thing. Like a big wad of snot getting shot into their mouth.
> If you have enough saliva in your mouth you don't really taste it.


 Ha, ever since the "Funky Spunk" episode on Sex in the City (long time ago), I'd assumed it tastes terrible. Your description is perfect. She does have issues with food texture and it would not surprise me at all if that is the aspect that is off-putting for her. 



SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> But for myself the ending isn't where the issue is. Have you ever tried wrapping your mouth around something tightly and using suction and movement for 5-10 minutes? Once a week or so and it was ok but any more than that and the jaw pain, literal cramps in your face muscles, and the inside of your mouth gets raw and sore. It's painful and I think pain IS to much to ask of any spouse.


Yeah, I can see that and I don't think that is necessary. I think I would be fine with PIV or whatever else and a minute of BJ as a finish for me. Obviously, I would be happy to do whatever she wants as well and I would try and satisfy her before myself because once I ejaculate, the options are more limited because of the erection loss and I get sleepy from the Oxytocin... 



SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> If I was told my H can't O with my vagina but can with my mouth, I'd mostly just feel insulted.


I don't think she is insulted, but it's possible. 



SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> There is spray made for women to make them more sensitive. IMO you should load up on that and practice, don't watch bj porn and research some positions and techniques that are best for low sensitivity.
> Sometimes using a vibrator in or on during sex can make a huge difference because he feels it too


I'll ask my doctor...


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

*Re: I need Oral Sex to orgasm, but wife refuses.*



MJJEAN said:


> Remember, though, that he can't reach orgasm in her vagina because of nerve damage. And his wife doesn't actually want to have sex with him other than once every 6-8 weeks,if I remember right.


Wow, you are paying attention 



MJJEAN said:


> Sprays that sensitize might help, but I'd be cautious about using a vibrator without a doctor's input. It's fairly well documented that using a vibrator incorrectly can cause temporary and, in extreme cases of long term incorrect use, even permanent desensitization.


I have the same concern, so I will ask my doctor. I have a great sex doctor (not his official title). 



MJJEAN said:


> To answer your earlier question about normalcy, OP, DH and I are in our 40's and have been together a total of 16 years. We have ebs and flows in our sex life. Some days, we spend the entire day basically doing the bare minimum around the house between sex sessions. Other days, we do it just once. Sometimes, we'll skip a day or two. If one of us is ill, whether or not we have sex depends on exactly how ill. All in all, we average about 4-6 times a week.
> 
> Since we've been together for so long, it's natural that we want to do things for variety and spice. Different positions, different combinations of oral and PIV, different lighting and music, different locations in the house and sometimes the minivan, dress up in lingerie and/or boots and things, light role play, D/s, toys, random "just because" oral in the middle of the day, etc.
> 
> So, no, I don't think wanting some spice, variety, and an active sex life with your spouse is in any way abnormal or deviant.


Wow. This is it! That's the kind of relationship I expected (and long for to this day) when I got married. Before we were married, it's what we had (minus the oral sex). I've even suggested sex in the minivan (in the garage even) and was rejected. I really, REALLY, appreciate you letting me know about how full of affection a happy marriage can be. It makes me sad for what I have and what I am missing in my life. I know I have a lot to be thankful for, but all I ever wanted was a happy, loving, affectionate relationship. I admire what you have. 



MJJEAN said:


> ETA: I think the longest I have gone without sex since being married was 2 or 3 weeks back when DH was working a job that took him away from home for days at a time. Going that long dang near killed me. If I had to go an extended period of time without sex AND my DH wasn't into sex and/or me, I'd probably lose my mind and divorce. So, I give you much credit for trying as hard as you are. I really do. I'm not sure I could hack it.


My wife can't seem to relate to how hard this is for me. So, this kind of empathy means a lot to me.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> But for myself the ending isn't where the issue is. Have you ever tried wrapping your mouth around something tightly and using suction and movement for 5-10 minutes? Once a week or so and it was ok but any more than that and the jaw pain, literal cramps in your face muscles, and the inside of your mouth gets raw and sore. It's painful and I think pain IS to much to ask of any spouse.


Then you're doing it wrong 

Seriously - a BJ can be a very sensual, erotic and loving thing. It's my wife's favorite thing. She uses her hands, kisses, licks, sucks, etc. Not always tight - often loose. Starting and stopping, etc. She gets very aroused and really is passionate about it - she really makes love to it. Use your knuckle and press on the perineum as he gets closer and it will enhance his orgasm. So please do try more and vary things and see if you feel differently.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Then you're doing it wrong
> 
> Seriously - a BJ can be a very sensual, erotic and loving thing. It's my wife's favorite thing. She uses her hands, kisses, licks, sucks, etc. Not always tight - often loose. Starting and stopping, etc. She gets very aroused and really is passionate about it - she really makes love to it. Use your knuckle and press on the perineum as he gets closer and it will enhance his orgasm. So please do try more and vary things and see if you feel differently.


I already do (did) all that, perhaps it's simply a size issue for some but it's a painful thing to do more than once a week or so. If I do it two or three days in a row, my jaw is unbearably sore even if I just lick and gentle suction, stop and start, focus only on the head and use my hands for the rest and the balls. He is big enough that my mouth/jaw has to be open quite a bit for even just the head so size would play a role. 

IMO, once a week would be my limit of _needing _to do it. There are other things that could be tried if a mouth can get it there. Mouths, vaginas, anal, a well oiled handjob- not all that much difference in sensation alone. It's more visual, mental and slight tightness changes and those things could be worked on easier than "needing" a bj that often.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I already do (did) all that, perhaps it's simply a size issue for some but it's a painful thing to do more than once a week or so. If I do it two or three days in a row, my jaw is unbearably sore even if I just lick and gentle suction, stop and start, focus only on the head and use my hands for the rest and the balls.


Thanks for the perspective. Makes sense. 



SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> He is big enough that my mouth/jaw has to be open quite a bit for even just the head so size would play a role.


Oh... that makes me wonder how big is too big? Is the thickness more of an issue than the length? You don't have to answer that. 



SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> IMO, once a week would be my limit of _needing _to do it. There are other things that could be tried if a mouth can get it there. Mouths, vaginas, anal, a well oiled handjob- not all that much difference in sensation alone. It's more visual, mental and slight tightness changes and those things could be worked on easier than "needing" a bj that often.


I wish my wife was so open minded. And you're right, it's about a visual and mental stimulation as much as anything else, particularly for me, perhaps.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

Also, my therapist said I should stop discussing this with y'all. I think she is afraid I am getting an unrealistic expectation of marriage and that my wife would never be able to meet it. I told her I can't stop. I want to hear a variety of opinions from real people, including my therapist, and even friends and family. The anonymity of this forum has freed me to express myself honestly. I want to live a happy life. And I am tired of people trying to tell me what should be important to me... <end rant>


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Google sizes - there are way too many men obsessed by this topic so there is an abundance of information. Most refer to length but average girth is available. Of course that's only half the equation - W's relative size is equally important.

If you take a US $1 bill - that's 6". Lengthwise that's above average - I think 5-1/2 to 5-3/4" length is average. If you wrap it around - 6" would be very wide. Found this on another TAM thread and I used the $1 bill around instead of lengthwise - on a lark. Big eye opener for me because W had complained of painful PIV and I realized it was on me (I unfortunately assumed all kinds of things OTHER than I am wide) - anyway we resolved that through more foreplay and it's all good now.

But none of this matters if W doesn't care enough to accommodate your needs I'm afraid. 

I forget - did you guys read His Needs Her Needs together? Because it explains men's need for sex (and women's need for communication, etc) in a way that can really make all the difference. I think men and women don't naturally realize "needs" that they don't personally relate to - and instead assume they are just "wants" which can kill relationships simply due to misunderstanding.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

wantshelp said:


> Also, my therapist said I should stop discussing this with y'all. I think she is afraid I am getting an unrealistic expectation of marriage and that my wife would never be able to meet it. I told her I can't stop. I want to hear a variety of opinions from real people, including my therapist, and even friends and family. The anonymity of this forum has freed me to express myself honestly. I want to live a happy life. And I am tired of people trying to tell me what should be important to me... <end rant>


It's not an UNrealistic expectation of marriage if there are people living these kinds of relationships!! It may be an unrealistic expectation of the person you are with right now.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

*Re: I need Oral Sex to orgasm, but wife refuses.*



wantshelp said:


> I'll try to be concise. I am a man, married for 15 years. Over a year ago, I had an accident that left me with numbness in my penis. Consequently, I cannot orgasm while masturbating and rarely orgasm during vaginal sex, but it has happened. Oral sex to completion has worked nearly every time to give me an orgasm, but my wife thinks it's gross. Am I being selfish by asking my wife for the only thing that works for me? I am close to divorce over this, but I'm afraid of being able to find someone that would give regular blow jobs. Also, her hang up is not the taste (which she mentioned being sweet once), I think she thinks it's demeaning for a wife.
> 
> Am I asking too much here?
> 
> I know a lot of women also cannot orgasm vaginally and require other activities like oral sex to get to orgasm. I would do anything for her, but she won't for me. She makes me feel like I am selfish for wanting an orgasm. Is it too much to ask for oral 4-5 times a week? Last year I had 5 orgasms. I am really unhappy.



Now that's a switch. A man needing oral to orgasm.

Your wife is to take care of your needs as her own and she is not her own anymore. 

So if she knows you only orgasm from her oral due to an accident, she should be watching vids to learn ways to give you killer oral. If she hates the in her mouth thing or swallowing, she can spit it out nicely or use some numbing solution for her mouth or she can have her favorite drink beside her after she swallows. It's about her taking care of your needs as her own.

I'm sure you give her oral to orgasm and she loves it? Her giving you oral to orgasm is no different.

Or she can let you have anal sex, tighter and you will orgasm in her that way.

Oiled breast jobs, foot jobs, will work too.

She can buy toys and use them on you as well.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Livvie said:


> It's not an UNrealistic expectation of marriage if there are people living these kinds of relationships!! It may be an unrealistic expectation of the person you are with right now.



Exactly!

Does your therapist understand how much of a problem this is for you? Have you been very clear about that?

But, yeah, the reality is that you might make some progress, she may be sexual with you a little more often with some time and effort, but she is very unlikely to turn into a lusty lady who likes sex.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> Does your therapist understand how much of a problem this is for you? Have you been very clear about that?


I have been very clear. I get the sense that she is trying to get us to meet in the middle by tamping down my expectations for how far my wife might be able to change. Unfortunately, for me, that leads me to infer that she thinks my wife won't ever get to where I want to be. And that makes me want to quit. 



MJJEAN said:


> But, yeah, the reality is that you might make some progress, she may be sexual with you a little more often with some time and effort, but she is very unlikely to turn into a lusty lady who likes sex.


Exactly. I'm afraid my wife will throw herself at me just to avoid losing me, but I want genuine love and affection. Her latest attempts at affection feel so forced... When I look at her, I don't feel love anymore, I think betrayal and I can't get past that. The betrayal of how she was a "lusty lady" until we got married. I remember, right after we got married how disappointed I felt, but I'd spent all my savings on our wedding and I had convinced everyone that our religious differences didn't matter. I married her over some objections, so I felt like I couldn't back out... 

Anyway... thanks for listening folks.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

*Re: I need Oral Sex to orgasm, but wife refuses.*

I've been reading these forums for years and I can say with some certainty that she's not going to change. Not in any truly meaningful or permanent way.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

wantshelp said:


> I have been very clear. I get the sense that she is trying to get us to meet in the middle by tamping down my expectations for how far my wife might be able to change. Unfortunately, for me, that leads me to infer that she thinks my wife won't ever get to where I want to be. And that makes me want to quit.
> 
> Exactly. I'm afraid my wife will throw herself at me just to avoid losing me, but I want genuine love and affection. Her latest attempts at affection feel so forced... When I look at her, I don't feel love anymore, I think betrayal and I can't get past that. The betrayal of how she was a "lusty lady" until we got married. I remember, right after we got married how disappointed I felt, but I'd spent all my savings on our wedding and I had convinced everyone that our religious differences didn't matter. I married her over some objections, so I felt like I couldn't back out...
> 
> Anyway... thanks for listening folks.


If you're looking for passion and enthusiasm, you're barking up the wrong tree. With time and some work, she may learn to understand how much sex and intimacy mean to you, she may become willing to provide for those needs a bit more often as a caring gesture, but it is very, very, unlikely she will ever be "into it". Sex just isn't her thing.

People in the limerence phase of a relationship often feel very passionate. She probably never intended to mislead you. She just passed the limerence phase and settled into her normal.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I don't fully agree with the latest posters. If your W really does love you and you two communicate, I think you can build passion and romance. Both have to want it, and both have to go through the motions for a while.

If you both can get there, and snuggle and cuddle and listen and try to see what is special in each other, you will have your best chance for success.

In a loving partnership, you want to please your partner. Many things can interfere with that, especially long term resentment. If you can get past that, you can rebuild the connection. 

I am referring to positive feedback loops. The brain is quite plastic and the brain chemicals around sex are powerful. A couple that dedicates themselves to each other can start to feel good about making their spouse feel good. That's the loop. 

I realize this is a minority opinion. Also - it's a long shot. But I can tell you my W and I are changing sexually - substantially - after 30+ years together - because we are making this effort. And I am giving lots of positive feedback (real appreciation) for even baby steps W is making. Plus I'm trying to be better too. W is willing to take risks as a result (basic things to many but a risk for her). We are both doing this because the rewards build on each other as we get closer.

You have a long way to go. But there is a tiny but bright sliver of light out there.


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