# I had EA now separated



## EA96 (Jul 14, 2010)

I have never posted on any of these forums before so here we go I'v been marred for almost 26 years 4 years ago I started talking to OW and as time went on I was talking to her more and more sharing my problems with her her sharing her problems with me so on and so on.I tryed to brake this off after 7 mts and did for about 2 wks and started up again.I thought I wonted a dovirce and I told wife so.She asked if there was someone else I said she's just a friend I lied and lied she got phone records and saw how much talking we had done and I lied and lied somemore I put my wife through so much crap over the last 3 years with my lies about this EA that she has had enough and asked me to move out I did and it's been almost 1 Wk I start counsleing today.I haven't had any contact with OW for 3 years wife knows this.need advice


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Your wife was obviously waiting for yu to screw up, you did and now she's free:scratchhead:..sorry


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## EA96 (Jul 14, 2010)

Thanks that was so helpful


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Want me to lie?!!..the damage of neglect is tough to mend, know that!!..no sugar coating it.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Doesn’t matter what you do or say now, after three years of being deceived and lied to she’s never going to believe you again about anything let alone the EA. You lied for three years. She gave you one hell of a big chance.

My wife is a liar. I could have handled the truth, I couldn’t handle the lies. Maybe a big lesson for you, tell the truth next time round. Marriage needs authenticity and fidelity, now you now why as does my wife.

Bob


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## EA96 (Jul 14, 2010)

Yes I know Bob and Thanks I know I should been truthful with her and I know how much damage I'v done and even If all I can do is talk with her and help her trough some of the pain I have put on her it will be worth it to me


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Then encourage her to do what she needs to do. You really can't offer her anything right now - so seriously, don't try.

Own your sh!t. You messed up. Big time. Apologize, sincerely, whether in person or via a letter - and then leave her alone.

Figure out what you need in your own life. It's easy for lots of folks here to beat up on a person who admits they were unfaithful - because the pain of being deceived, lied to, ignored, and neglected is staggering. 

However, none of this crap happens in a vacuum. There are reasons you sought out another relationship to meet your emotional needs. And although I don't condone cheating whether physical or emotional, it's a safe bet that there was plenty going on in your marriage that both you, and your wife contributed to in terms of the breakdown. Try to get your head around what those things were - and think seriously about whether or not you believe that your wife will ever want to, or is capable of meeting those needs. If she isn't? Then ending the marriage isn't such a bad thing.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

EA96 said:


> Yes I know Bob and Thanks I know I should been truthful with her and I know how much damage I'v done and even If all I can do is talk with her and help her trough some of the pain I have put on her it will be worth it to me


Sounds like you’ve your own pain to go through and your own loss. You do sound genuinely repentant, that you are not in denial at all. You know what you’ve done.

Maybe take time out from your wife and work on yourself for 6 months or a year and see what the situation looks like then. Let your wife know that you love her, you’ll be there if she calls but you’re leaving her alone. Maybe ask her if it would be ok to contact her in six months time.

Bob


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

Deejo said:


> Own your sh!t. You messed up. Big time. Apologize, sincerely, whether in person or via a letter - and then leave her alone.


:iagree: Also within that letter/conversation I think it's important you explain in detail WHY you continued to lie for three years after she found out. 

Personally, I cannot understand why people don't hold their hands up once they get confronted. Can you, or anybody for that matter, explain this to me? Why would you need to insult your spouse's intelligence and add insult to injury? I think I would have to really hate somebody to continue the lies for another 3 years after the initial accusation, so how did you justify doing this? She deserves to know why. Although it doesn't fundamentally change anything, her understanding why could bring her a little peace of mind.


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## EA96 (Jul 14, 2010)

We talked last night and I anwsered all that she asked truthfuly.Advocado I took the easy why out by lieing I thought if she new how I was feeling about this OW even after it was over she would leave me I was wrong I should have let her make that chose not me.She desirves so much better than that.Bob I am working on myself and I know if I can't fix me I can't help her so I will work on that Thanks for the help.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You still have a chance. What else do you have to do with your life, after all? Focus on becoming the husband she deserves, on your own, show her you are learning and growing, and go slow and woo her all over again. She needs to feel special, loved, important. You can do that by consistently attending to HER needs, paying attention to her, letting her talk, asking what her dreams are/were for her life, and seeing how you can help her achieve those dreams. She needs to be the special one for awhile.

Note that that doesn't mean smother her. Once a woman has been hurt like that, it will take months, or longer, to trust you again. Plan on being separate for at least a year.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

EA96 said:


> We talked last night and I anwsered all that she asked truthfuly.Advocado I took the easy why out by lieing I thought if she new how I was feeling about this OW even after it was over she would leave me I was wrong I should have let her make that chose not me.She desirves so much better than that.Bob I am working on myself and I know if I can't fix me I can't help her so I will work on that Thanks for the help.


Am I right in thinking if the shoe were on the other foot so to speak you would have left your wife?

If that is the case then you projected how you would have responded onto your wife. And that probably led you to lie and deceive her for three years. Because like you would have left her, she would leave you. You were absolutely convinced because it’s what you would have done.

Think about it for while.

You not only lied to your wife, you prejudged her behaviour and I’m guessing she’s hurting because of that as well.

I think you have a lot of “learning about life” to do. Your first lesson has been very painful. That’s a very good place to start from. We learn more about ourselves and those around us during the painful times than we do when things are joyful and happy.

Bob


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## EA96 (Jul 14, 2010)

Turnera You are right I have to be the man she needs and I am working on that we have talked and been with each other sence Friday She stayed at my Apt. Mon. night and I stayed at her house last night.We have talked alot but not just about the EA but how I have hurt her and I have told her how sorry I am.I told her what I was sorry for not just (I'm sorry)she said that meant alot to her.

Bob I don't know if I would have left her if she had done that to me and I do need to think about that.I should have neaver lied to her about the EA I should have been truthful and then let her make the decison wheather to stay or go it was not my decison to make.

We are working on that I have counsling today and I still have a lot of work to do and I am willing to do that. 

Thanks for all the help


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