# Is this normal?



## al0ne (Feb 10, 2010)

Hi everyone,

Just wanted to ask a question to all those who have been going through separation...

If you've read my previous posts, I have been separated now for 4 months...Not long ago, I felt I was doing really well and feeling postitive about my life...I've managed to do quite a lot on my own and felt I could look after myself and my two beautiful boys...I felt strong...

However, for the last few days, I've been feeling very angry with my ex-partner...I can't seem to understand why he's done this to us...he kept saying he was unhappy and wanted me to find someone who loved me more than he could...obviously, I've been trying to be civil and nice to him for the sake of the boys...or so I thought...looking back I think I was also thinking that he would reconsider if he saw that I was being nice to him...

However, I can see he's moving on with his life...he's showing no interest towards me and he says he doesn't want to confuse me..he wants to be my friend but that's all...

I'm just thinking more and more about the christmas holidays coming soon and how for the last 15 years we have spent it together...now he wants to come christmas day to see the children and pretend we are still a family (as he has not told them yet about the separation)...I'm tired of pretending, I want to let go, to move on but how can I do it when I feel soooooo angry all the time!!! I hate him for what he has done to me and to my children!! he has destroyed everything I was looking forward to...my self-confidence has dropped down to the bottom of the earth and don't feel strong anymore...I'm scared of making decisions on my own and don't want my children to be affected by this...he says he wants to be involved but never rings or asks how they're doing. I've stopped talking to him about them until he asks...I feel he has to make the effort not me...

Please tell me...is this feeling normal?? Am I ever going to stop feeling so angry?? 

Thanks


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## BabySteps (Nov 16, 2010)

al0ne, I want to say yes, you will stop feeling the anger and I'm positive you will but I'm not even sure where I am in the "mourning" process myself. And that's exactly what you're going through...mourning of the relationship, questioning the "could ofs" and "would ofs".
Sometimes I feel like I've either skipped some of the stages and it all will come on me all of a sudden or because I've been in this slump for so long, I've already processed through them all and am now just feeling ...free. 
I truly believe, with time, things will get better for you.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Why have you not told your children? Why are you supporting him in this charade? H already left and you are making it convenient for him No wonder you are angry. 

You are continually being a door mat. Your doing it for the kids? He will leave anyway, they should not see there mother weak and helpless that will effect their image of themselves and women in general. It will happen a week or two early is best for you because you begin the healing process for your children and not be in this cruel limbo that he has forced his family to be in. You cannot be there for your kids if you are in such an uncertain state and they will need you. Take charge, if not for your sake than for theirs. Where the adult in this situation? Why don't you be the adult. 

You are allowing him to make all of the choices for his convenience. You say you still love him but you can't love him, he cares nothing for you, so if you still love him you don't love yourself. Why don't you love yourself? Because he left? That's may seem plausible reason but he is walking away with his problems and blaming you. Do you agree with him that you are the only one at fault? It has nothing to do with your lovability, the relationship had problems and you have a chance to fix you so it does not happen again. Guess what, give it 4 - 5 years and he will be in another bad marriage and divorced in 7 - 10 yrs. He will never let you know when things go south. Don't do the same as him work on you, start now, exercising and looking and feeling good is the best way. 

Start the work you need to do to make you better, don't beat yourself up but use your experience. There will be a next one but only if you begin to take charge of you and stop being a door mat for him. If you don't make a move, you will always be pinning away for him. You should decide that it is over, he has done too much to ever be trusted again he is damaged goods. 

Surprise with a separation notice for a Christmas gift, and go to a divorce lawyer. Get your financial eggs in a row. He will be very angry when you do this because you are not behaving according to his convenient script. But do it anyway it will be a step on the road to self love and protection. 

Love youself; you are worth it. Take this experience and use it to make yourself better. If you succeed, you will come to view this divorce as the best thing that ever happened to you.


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## Shelly29 (Oct 9, 2010)

I too am in the anger stage, angry for him not trying, for not caring, for him walking away from US and not looking back, angry for how he is carrying on in his life as if its the best thing he is doing....angry for him not showing he is sorry. I dont think he has truely told me he is sorry for all this....

The other day I lost it over text and just let him have it....i told him I have a right to be angry and go through these emotions and if i felt like *****ing him out, well then so be it. (LOL)

I want to stop hurting.... its a painful rollercoaster to go through but I think we all have to go through this in order to come out stronger and wiser.


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## mariem1967 (Dec 1, 2010)

Thats very normal but as there is big change in your life try to transform that negative energy to create something positive. You will say it is easy to say so. Well in my case it was not easy until i found someone who helped me go out from the hell. As Shelly said what doesn't kill you will make you stronger for sure.


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## Roderic (Apr 18, 2010)

benjen879 said:


> I'm still in the devastated phase so I will be of no help here. I just occasionally have spells of anger. Mostly when I am around friends and family that lift me up.


... & al0ne says _"I can see he's moving on with his life...he's showing no interest towards me and he says he doesn't want to confuse me..he wants to be my friend but that's all..."_

After eight months, I am so completely devastated, seriously lonely, totally distracted and my wife is acting exactly the same as 'al0ne's' partner, but I still feel no anger towards her - what is wrong with me and would it help if I did?


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## al0ne (Feb 10, 2010)

Thank you all for your advice:

benjen879 - I understand when you say you're in the devastated phase and if your friends and family help you, be with them...

babysteps - thank you for your positive words...I really do hope this is the case and that I'll soon feel free, like you...

catherine 602 - harsh words but ALL true. It was hard to read that you also believe, like me, that I was behaving like a door mat. And it's also true that I have to take that step further and finish everything that relates to him...I must concentrate on myself and the children and although I can see it's going to be hard, I can't simply allow him to treat me like this any longer.

shelly29 - it's true...i do want to come out stronger from this...and I hope you do too...it's harder for those who have been left because our self-confidence gets hit, and hard...you question yourself so much and want so many answers that you just simply can't get!! so it's all about learning to let go, put it behind us and learn from this awful experience...I hope you do too...

mariem1967 - I do try to look for the positives, but it's hard when you question everything...I have thought about talking to someone...I might look into it.

Roderic - to be honest, I did not feel any anger at the beginning...I simply didn't think about it too much...it's only when I started thinking about him and blaming him that I became very angry...maybe I need to stop thinking about what he's doing or not doing...thanks

And just to UPDATE you:

a couple of days ago, he contacted me to tell me how depressed he was, not because of this situation but because he was having problems at work...he told me he was going to seek counselling and have time off work to work on himself...he even told me he found seeing the children too hard!!

obviously, when he told me I felt sad and upset...but the day after I thought...why is he telling me this? why is he making me feel sad about him? he never once asked about how I was coping or how the kids were...so I reached a conclusion: SELFISH! and not only that...it made me feel he couldn't let go of me...he wanted me to be there for him but not the other way round...So I took your advice, catherine 602, and I sent him a text telling him I was finally letting him go, that I couldn't be there for him anymore and that I needed to concentrate on myself and my boys...I ended the text with a good bye! hardest thing I've done but also the right one...maybe now I can start the process of moving on with my life...

Oh! and by the way, he hasn't replied to that text...he's gone silent and didn't see the children yesterday like he agreed he would do! he's simply disappeared!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I am sorry for the harsh words it's easy for me to say right but I read your tread and saw how much you were giving and getting nothing in return. He does not have to work for your support maybe he never has so it is a habit. He takes you give, but when it comes to him so easily and freely he places no value on it. What you are doing is casting your peal among the swine to use the biblical parable. You give the precious gift of support and love and he treats it llike nothing. He will never get what you have given him again in his life. He will see that and regret what he has done eventually. By that time it will be too late and he will be searching for some to give to him for the rest of his life. He is the one that should be pitied, you with your capacity to love will be fine, in time.

He disappeared because you surprised him. You finally stood up for you and your kids, you did what you needed to do. He called you looking for the support you always gave him but you never asked for anything for yourself. Suddenly you have and that knocked him back. What happened is that by letting him call the shots he gets all his needs met with as little trouble as possible which is why he left. Too much work being with you but he did not want to give up the perks of a supportive wife. I'll bet he was counting on you love while he enjoyed freedom from worry. Why should you feel any need to support him, you need all of your support for the ones who are innocent in this the kids. 

Leave him to twist in the wind. Make it very clear that you will not tolerate his promising to see his children and then being so cruel to not show and not call. How can a father and real man do that, good men crave tombe with their kids especially boys. But he has revealed his character by what he is doing to his own kids. He has no sympathy for the so why should you have sympathy for him. He just wants to put on a show for the benifit of an audience on Christmas so he does not look like a bad guy. But he is bad and every in his and your family should know how he treats his own children. Dont tolerate him to come in and out of your childrens lives when he feels up to the pretense. He has a responsibility to show up for them - I would send him an email pointing out that you will not tolerate what he did by not showing don't let that go it is very seriuos to the well being. He will not expect you to require that he be a man for his children because you have not asked, now demand it and remind him how normal men with hearts and feelings for anyone outside of themseves behave towards their kids. 

You aided him in his selfishness because you gave too much. This is a painful way to learn that giving to much does not make someone love you. They take you for granted and walk away if thing get difficult. You took all of the difficulties on yourself so he did not have to deal with them. Now that you have pulled, he is in disbelief. He has lost what he took for granted and he is on his own. 

Even though he appears to have disappeared don't panic and invit him back in your life. He is not draining you emotionally because you are no longer there to serve him. He is realizing that he will not have it so easy and will have to pay for his choices. You protected him from the consequences by being there at his beck and call. 

You did the right thing, the lack of contact hurts but that is what you would expect from a selfish person, as soon as the well runs dry they are gone, he does not care if his children thirst. Keep taking charge and not giving him anything you have given too much over the years, and it has gotten you a self obsorbed man who has learned to give nothing. 

As far as Christmas and your kids you decide if you want him there to put on a show. He may not show up because he will not be getting much out of it now that you are not serving him. If you think your kids will be deprived just think of what it would be like for them to expect him to come and does not show or comes for a short period of time Is it not better that they know what is going on and you protect them from disappointment? He show no interest in them so his motive for being there Christmas day is for his benefit They will speed this Christmas with the begining of new traditions. Maybe get a friend or relative come on Christmas eave and stay over maybe take the kids out for a speacial breakfast. Stay strong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## al0ne (Feb 10, 2010)

They are only harsh words because they are true.

I've been telling myself the same things but not acting on them. It's about time I take charge of my life!

He eventually responded by apologizing. He was sorry he made me feel this way, he was sorry because he had not been a good partner or father. And then, he goes to tell me he needs help!! He ended the reply by telling me he was going to leave me and the kids alone for a while! What sort of father is that?? 

Since then, I've had no contact from him to see the children even though he promised them he would see them. I'm left answering questions from them as to where he is...

I've been wanting to tell the children about this situation for a few weeks now and told him we should tell them together (although I pointed out he should be the one telling them and me being there for their support). He agreed to it but never happened. I've now told him there's no way back and should tell them. If he doesn't do it, I'll do it! I'm tired of waiting and making excuses. I've had enough and they deserve to know the truth!


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## bellringer (Aug 20, 2010)

H Alone, I am so sorry you are going through this. The children are always the ones who suffer at the hands of the adult. I think these men need to grow up and stop acting like children themselves. My stbx did the same thing for months he wouldnt say anything to our son, he didnt know how or what to say to him, he was a coward, I ended up sitting my son down one nite and explaining it to him myself. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. He started screaming and crying, so we just sat on the couch I held him and cried with him and assured him that his father still loved him and we were gonna be fine. He actually was fine after that. I think these guys are so self centered well mine is anyway. See his mother and father divorced and his mother was selfcentered she didnt put her children first, I get it divorce hurts us, but if we dont assure our kids that we are here for them then they just grow up thinking noone will be there emotionally for them. I was hurting dont get me wrong, I never let my son see me cry, always a happy face for him. we continued doing the things we always did. and life goes on. i have seen to many children from divorced families that are so screwed up because of the selfcentered parents. my stbx included, you learn by example and I believe that. stbx mother only thought about herself, never was there for her kids emotionally, she was so bitter and vintictive, the kids seen way to much, I mean she was at the police station with them all the time due to her being vindictive, like filling the dads car with the hose, spray painting his house, going after his gf. it must have been terrible for the kids to witness this. to this day she still talks about the father infront of the kids. I will never bad mouth my stbx in front of my son. I cant imagine doing that to my son. he is my world I want him to be healthy and have healthy relationships with his gfs. I talked to a therepyst about the situation, and he said my son will be fine, because I am not disrupting his life with this. he still knows he is number 1 and i am here for him forever. I never begged pleaded or cried to stbx to come back, If I did that would have only set me back, I had a son to raise and If I was begging and being rejected all the time then i would be in a depression and wouldnt be any good to my son. I miss the times we had as a family but I will survive, my son has given me so much strength. I lost both parents when I was young and they were way to young mom 51 and dad 54, I never thought I would get through that, i guess I am strong due to that to. my son is all that matters now. If your stbx is to much of a coward to tell the children then you must.


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