# Sex



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I read some of these threads and I get so jealous. Women who love sex, want to place their man, enjoy sex, enjoy the intimacy. Men who love to please their wives. Men and women who enjoy each others bodies and seek to please the other. It just makes me so jealous.

I spent 24 years in an increasingly barren marriage. We had semi-regular sex. But it was often passionless and after a while I pretty much new the schedule. I also knew exactly what to expect. 

Sometimes, she would go down on me, but seldom to completion. The few times she would usually involved me with my belly covered in cum. never in her mouth and never on her And usually when she did finish it was by hand. I even less often was allowed to go down on her. Two positions - missionary and her on top. She detested doggy style. Early on she enjoyed me being on top and placing her knees over my shoulder, but towards the end I was told that that was not desired anymore since she was a 45 year old woman (at the time)

After years of rejection I settled into a place where I didn't initiate. I simply accepted whatever crumbs were offered. I guess that was her attempt to get my attention and to make me happy. The rest of the time I was basically low man on the totem pole. Even when sex was taking place it was usually prefaced with something like "Ok, I am tired, so you have five minutes" which is not exactly the best way to get in the moment. I was told that she just didn't think about it. I was told that all of her girl friends felt like it was just a chore they had to put up, but that most women really didn't want sex.

When I had my rebound relationship I was thrown for a loop, because that woman wanted sex. She was into me biting her, pulling her hair, she hinted at but we never got into anytime of bondage. I often times felt like her Fvck toy rather than her partner. I felt like she was just there to please her self and I was just a prop.

So where is the reality? At one extreme or the other, both, some where in the middle?


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

I don't know; I am somewhere in the middle. 

I don't know why some women do not like sex. As horrible as my long-term marriage was in other ways (been divorced since 2007), the sex was always good because we always both wanted it.

But I do have to say that sex to "scratch the itch" per se isn't the same thing as the intense closeness and sharing of emotional connection with the one person you really want to be with. To use your example of swallowing - some women hate to swallow. For me, I don't care for it just as a general concept but I want nothing more than to swallow for the man that I love. I crave it... it's a LDR so I can't do it this second but I fantasize about it. I want him to be that close to me. I want him to be part of me. I crave tasting him. 

Anyway, that's what it means to me.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Have you only had those 2 partners? Because yes, there's much more variety than that. There are good sexual matches and poor sexual matches and everything in between. There are lovers who are selfish and lovers who are not. There are people who love to both give and receive and just plain love sex, and those who will never be that into it. The two experiences you described are certainly not representative of all that is possible.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Ynot said:


> I read some of these threads and I get so jealous. Women who love sex, want to place their man, enjoy sex, enjoy the intimacy. Men who love to please their wives. Men and women who enjoy each others bodies and seek to please the other. It just makes me so jealous.
> 
> I spent 24 years in an increasingly barren marriage. We had semi-regular sex. But it was often passionless and after a while I pretty much new the schedule. I also knew exactly what to expect.
> 
> ...


Sex with a new partner is typically more exciting than with one of 25 years. I'm sure you know this. 

Sent from my SM-G920V using Tapatalk


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> Have you only had those 2 partners? Because yes, there's much more variety than that. There are good sexual matches and poor sexual matches and everything in between. There are lovers who are selfish and lovers who are not. There are people who love to both give and receive and just plain love sex, and those who will never be that into it. The two experiences you described are certainly not representative of all that is possible.


No, I have been with eight in total. But only four were LTRs. My first GF was very adventurous but we each other's firsts. The next was much more reserved. And then these last two. I am curious as to how many partners other guys have had. In many ways I feel as though I am rather inexperienced.
As I said I was my first GFs first, my second's third, my ex' third and I am not really sure how many the last has had but she was definitely experienced


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Sex with a new partner is typically more exciting than with one of 25 years. I'm sure you know this.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G920V using Tapatalk


It wasn't just that I had been with her that long as much as I felt as though intimacy was just another item to be checked off the list. I tried to set the stage. I made multiple efforts but it just seemed that I could never ignite any interest. Often times she would undermine those efforts. Even in those efforts I would feel a low priority to everything else


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I'm with both HopeShimmers and SecondTime'Round. I think you have to be a good match to begin with, and by that I mean so emotionally connected and close that you crave each other - not just as a means to an end - as the end, in itself. I never had that with my ex-husband. I always felt like he kept me at arm's length - he never shared anything emotionally deep with me, yet expected me to want to please him because he was my husband.

My first long-term boyfriend and I had that connection. We craved each other physically I think because being physically connected completed/clasped the emotional chain we had. I was spoiled in high school/early college having that boyfriend who felt like a part of me - I thought it would always be easy to find that. 

We went to different colleges and just couldn't maintain that long distance relationship. It was more challenging to stay connected before the Internet and smartphones. I dated other guys, looking for that same emotional connection "in all the wrong places." Got my heart broken by a couple of them I gave it up for too soon, I think. Thought I found it again right after college - very intense, passionate sex - like the stuff in movies. Got pretty serious after 3 months. Met his Mom and sisters and brothers, made holiday plans with our families that included each other - only to have him dump me when an old college girlfriend moved to town right after New Year's.

I met my now ex 9 months later - I dated a couple of guys in between, but just didn't feel anything.

The first time I saw my now ex and looked into his eyes, I thought, "I'm going to marry this guy." Not because we had an immediate emotional connection - turns out he's not capable of that - I just fell in love with the light in his eyes.

I did marry him, and was married to him for 25 years. And I did love him and was in love with him in the early years. But I never craved him like I craved my first love and last love before him. I told myself that was OK - that was false love with those two. It wasn't the kind of love that lasts. Life with my husband was just calm, and we laughed all the time. But we didn't passionately ravage each other, ever. We had date nights, and we had sex. But it was never really spontaneous. It was talked about and planned. I wasn't ecstatic about that, but I was OK with it, because I had been burned before by men I'd fully opened myself up to. My husband made me feel safe.

You know what? The saying is true: We get the love we think we deserve.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Here is a snippet from a thread I just posted: 

Have you ever had sex with someone who makes you realize you would never need to have sex with any one else....

but no matter how many times you had sex with that person it would never be enough..... 

That describes my wife and I....

The greatest mystery in my life is how she had sex with other partners and did not orgasm.
We have been together 50 years, and I could not begin to put a number on how many times we had sex, certainly above 5,000. I doubt that she failed to orgasm 5 times....

I have started a thread looking for couples who had a similar experience....Apparently it is not that uncommon......


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Ynot said:


> No, I have been with eight in total. But only four were LTRs. My first GF was very adventurous but we each other's firsts. The next was much more reserved. And then these last two. I am curious as to how many partners other guys have had. In many ways I feel as though I am rather inexperienced.
> As I said I was my first GFs first, my second's third, my ex' third and I am not really sure how many the last has had but she was definitely experienced


I don't know if you are inexperienced or your drew a bad hand or you somehow attracted a bad hand, but yes there is much more possibility.

However, since you have experienced what you consider the bad end of the sexual realm, this is actually good information to have. It means if you are single, you can know that you need to look for compatibility in that area, and not be blinded by those first few times of having sex. You need to explore a potential partner with eyes wide open and with the intention of having a good sex life and not settling for less than one. Since we have a choice in who we partner with, we should make that choice wisely.

I don't know your current situation.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

I've had roughly 45 different women. It's not that much different trust me. The more fit or small women you can certainly do more w than a medium sized woman.( think roadhouse) either way your exwife seems like she was doing duty sex and that may be the story for most long term relationships anyway. Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Ynot said:


> I read some of these threads and I get so jealous. Women who love sex, want to place their man, enjoy sex, enjoy the intimacy. Men who love to please their wives. Men and women who enjoy each others bodies and seek to please the other. It just makes me so jealous.
> 
> I spent 24 years in an increasingly barren marriage. We had semi-regular sex. But it was often passionless and after a while I pretty much new the schedule. I also knew exactly what to expect.
> 
> ...


All of the above. Some women like sex just as much as or more than men, although they are generally more selective who they want to do it with. Others don't care for it very much.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> I don't know if you are inexperienced or your drew a bad hand or you somehow attracted a bad hand, but yes there is much more possibility.
> 
> However, since you have experienced what you consider the bad end of the sexual realm, this is actually good information to have. It means if you are single, you can know that you need to look for compatibility in that area, and not be blinded by those first few times of having sex. You need to explore a potential partner with eyes wide open and with the intention of having a good sex life and not settling for less than one. Since we have a choice in who we partner with, we should make that choice wisely.
> 
> I don't know your current situation.


Yes this something I have thought about. I guess I need to look at it like I should with everything else in life. Go into it with no expectations and keep doing it until I find what I like. Every experience is an opportunity to learn.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

'You have 5 minutes ' is a test. You're supposed to turn crappy sex down flat. It's beneath you.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

I've wondered this too. I'm recently separated, and I haven't ventured out there yet (much too soon, and we are still in the same living space until January at the earliest). I was a virgin when i met him, although we did have premarital sex. I was his 4th.

But the way you describe your sexual experience with your xw sounds just like my stbxh. Passionless, limited, etc. the schedule was regular in that it was done in a predictable way and time, but not regular as in often. It really makes you wonder what else is out there. I'm looking forward to reading more of the replies on this.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I have had more partners than you OP and can affirm they all vary. Never had a bad experience but some where much more memorable than others. So much of it is about connection. One of the best sexual partners I ever had was A very casual fling. Something about this woman just drove me mad. Couldn't get enough of her physically.. Her smell, her taste just incredible. Marathon sex sessions that would go on for hours. Problem was we had nothing else in common.

So every partner will ever different. Just don't do what you did before and settle for crappy sex or crumbs as you called it. You will never be satisfied with that.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

sixty-eight said:


> I've wondered this too. I'm recently separated, and I haven't ventured out there yet (much too soon, and we are still in the same living space until January at the earliest). I was a virgin when i met him, although we did have premarital sex. I was his 4th.
> 
> But the way you describe your sexual experience with your xw sounds just like my stbxh. Passionless, limited, etc. the schedule was regular in that it was done in a predictable way and time, but not regular as in often. *It really makes you wonder what else is out there. * I'm looking forward to reading more of the replies on this.


Much more than what you had!


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Ynot said:


> It wasn't just that I had been with her that long as much as I felt as though intimacy was just another item to be checked off the list. I tried to set the stage. I made multiple efforts but it just seemed that I could never ignite any interest. Often times she would undermine those efforts. Even in those efforts I would feel a low priority to everything else


Was it always this way or something that slowly evolved with her (i.e is there a specific event that you could point to where things started going downhill)? I can definitely relate to feeling like you were on some checklist or a chore, tick off, and then worry about the next time a list is drawn up. In my case, it pretty much came about when we had kids and really our inability to balance being parents with being a married couple. Things are much better now. Sex itself, in terms or quality, is the best it has been, so no complaints there. That doesn't means things are perfect though, still have our ups and downs, and it really isn't where I would like it to be in terms of frequency, so it is something I am still trying to deal with.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

When it comes to sex and intimacy, the range and variation is huge. And every partner you have could be - and probably would be - very different with someone else. That said, there are generalizations you can make: some people have higher libidos than others, naturally; some desire emotional or physical intimacy more than others; some are more adventurous; some are more willing to please and are less selfish. The list is endless, really.

So, it comes down to your experience with someone, knowing what you want and need from a partner, and spending the time to determine if their nature, attitudes, and values are compatible and likely to be sustainable. You can't predict or ensure the future you will have with someone, but you can stack the odds greatly in your favor. It's complex, and I think many people choose on the basis of limited knowledge of human sexuality and wishful thinking, and choose too quickly as well. Then they stick with partners who soon wave red flags, even when they have the option of leaving prior to cementing the relationship.

I chose my ex because I knew too little about relationships and sexuality. I wasn't inexperienced, but I had no framework to use to compare, evaluate, and decide if she or someone else was a good match. She wasn't. Now, the internet provides all the information one could possibly need with a few searches and lots of reading, but some ability to weed out bad information is needed - and that usually comes from dating and observing multiple people. After that bad relationship, I made sure to educate myself and figure out what I wanted and needed, and vowed not to settle for less. Sexual compatibility was a high priority, rather than a naive expectation that it would follow naturally. I also got lucky, and found a great match - I actually found several, but one was clearly much better for me.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

EllisRedding said:


> Was it always this way or something that slowly evolved with her (i.e is there a specific event that you could point to where things started going downhill)? I can definitely relate to feeling like you were on some checklist or a chore, tick off, and then worry about the next time a list is drawn up. In my case, it pretty much came about when we had kids and really our inability to balance being parents with being a married couple. Things are much better now. Sex itself, in terms or quality, is the best it has been, so no complaints there. That doesn't means things are perfect though, still have our ups and downs, and it really isn't where I would like it to be in terms of frequency, so it is something I am still trying to deal with.


I think it just evolved this way over time. I really can't pick out one thing. I know that having children put the kabosh on things, we used to say our daughter was the best birth control money could buy since she was such a hand full. Both of us were usually to tired to have sex then. 
Early on she was was willing and enthusiastic. I always made sure she was taken care of. She told me that I used to make her cum so hard she could hardly walk. I do recall asking her if she still felt that way and she said that she had gotten used to it.
Early on we did lots of different positions and tried to mix things up. It is just over time she settled into a routine and wasn't interested in trying anything different. And then there was the whole I am too busy/tired/bloated/constipated/gassy/headache/back hurt take your pick excuse du jour. 
I got to the point that I knew from the moment she got up in the morning that nothing was going to happen that day so I didn't even bother.
Whenever things did happen, I was often warned not to touch her breasts as they were tender. At one point she went to the doctor and he found lumps in her breasts. She said the doctor was surprised that I hadn't felt them. But I was always told to be gentle so I never got to feel them, I never had a chance to feel them!
Or I was given a time frame. If I went beyond the stated time because I was trying to please her, she would tell me not to to worry about it and just finish already. I wasn't allowed to drink at all before hand because she decided I lasted to long
I don't know looking back it had become so unsatisfying. I wanted to have sex to strengthen our connection and she couldn't care any less.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> 'You have 5 minutes ' is a test. You're supposed to turn crappy sex down flat. It's beneath you.


Ummmmm @WorkingOnMe I think you failed the test! Women like a confident man that can surprise them. I've been in this exact same situation and I manage to work with it. Here is what my wife said after she finally got done 30 minutes after I began my 5 minutes, "this is not fair, because I was really not in the mood for that and never knew I was going to enjoy it so much, OMG those last two orgasms where so strong!"

...and at that point I was just getting started myself!!!! 

Badsanta

PS: Now I will admit it does not always work that way....


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

Are you still with her? How old is she?

I would say that my H could have written your post word for word. 

We have been married 30 years. We were an excellent match. Adventurous and frequent. Gave and received.

Then it just started deteriorating with time. 3 kids, work, responsibilities, health problems- made it less frequent but still often enough that we were both happy

Then I became less interested- tired, hormonal, weight gain- but if he was insistent -fine- and I did enjoy it once we got into it.. More time passes and menopause happens, I'm older, feel unattractive, getting little pleasure from life…and I don't want it ever, never, nada, I'd rather stick a needle in my eye.

He stops initiating -gets tired of rejection, feels unwanted…then I start wondering if he's having an A….other red flags are present. I go on antidepressants (wellbutrin- works on dopamine and increases ability to feel pleasure)

I go to IC and she suggests I listen to the TED talk "mating in captivity" - I do and start to take more responsibility for our lack of intimacy. Start to look after myself. lose weight, buy clothes, etc. Feel attractive again and interested. I initiate, I feel pleasure again, It starts the ball rolling and all of a sudden we are skinny dipping, hot tubbing in the nude, parking, sleeping naked, hoping the kids won't come home and catch us!

I said the other day that I don't want to separate because I would never want to have sex with anyone other than him.

So what happened? I think a number of things- thinking he may be having an A and watching the TED talk made me realize how attractive he would be to another woman., I realized I owned some responsibility for this to keep going in my marriage. I started on the antidepressants which actually allowed me to enjoy it again. Like I was 20. There was probably some hysterical bonding going on because of my fears too.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

No I am not with her anymore. We have been divorced for over a year now. That relationship is over. Now I am going out into the world and I am trying to figure out what to expect. I was conditioned for 24 years to have gentle, infrequent, passionless sex which ultimately proved to be extremely unsatisfying and led to a lot of resentment on my part as I felt alike a low priority. Then I went into a rough, passionate relationship where I felt like a prop. I understand TV is fantasy, but literature, plays, movies, poems, most of human activity somehow involves sex. People lose everything to have it. nations have gone to war over it. So it must be important. Maybe it just wasn't important to my ex? I know I didn't like feeling like a low priority and I didn't like feeling like a prop. I guess I just want to find what it is that I like.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> When it comes to sex and intimacy, the range and variation is huge. And every partner you have could be - and probably would be - very different with someone else. That said, there are generalizations you can make: some people have higher libidos than others, naturally; some desire emotional or physical intimacy more than others; some are more adventurous; some are more willing to please and are less selfish. The list is endless, really.
> 
> So, it comes down to your experience with someone, knowing what you want and need from a partner, and spending the time to determine if their nature, attitudes, and values are compatible and likely to be sustainable. You can't predict or ensure the future you will have with someone, but you can stack the odds greatly in your favor. It's complex, and I think many people choose on the basis of limited knowledge of human sexuality and wishful thinking, and choose too quickly as well. Then they stick with partners who soon wave red flags, even when they have the option of leaving prior to cementing the relationship.
> 
> I chose my ex because I knew too little about relationships and sexuality. I wasn't inexperienced, but I had no framework to use to compare, evaluate, and decide if she or someone else was a good match. She wasn't. Now, the internet provides all the information one could possibly need with a few searches and lots of reading, but some ability to weed out bad information is needed - and that usually comes from dating and observing multiple people. After that bad relationship, I made sure to educate myself and figure out what I wanted and needed, and vowed not to settle for less. Sexual compatibility was a high priority, rather than a naive expectation that it would follow naturally. I also got lucky, and found a great match - I actually found several, but one was clearly much better for me.


This ^^^^ is how I feel as well. I guess I am putting this out there to gain some persepective as I begin to move forward.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

@nursejackie - thanks for sharing, sounds somewhat similar to my wife as I am sure if she read your post she could easily relate to some of it. Also, your concern he may be having an A b/c he stopped initiating and seemed uninterested. Although I would like to think my wife would never think I would have an A as I would never do that to her, I wonder if that has run through her mind as well (similar to your H, I become very detached/disinterested if the sex is not there).

I was actually planning on making a thread somewhat regarding this (more for general conversation based not just on my thoughts but what I have seen others here at TAM say), so I will try to get that posted in a bit instead of taking away from Ynot's thread.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Ynot said:


> ....Sometimes, she would go down on me, but seldom to completion. The few times she would usually involved me with my belly covered in cum. never in her mouth and never on her And usually when she did finish it was by hand. I even less often was allowed to go down on her. Two positions - missionary and her on top. She detested doggy style. Early on she enjoyed me being on top and placing her knees over my shoulder, but towards the end I was told that that was not desired anymore since she was a 45 year old woman (at the time)
> 
> After years of rejection I settled into a place where I didn't initiate. I simply accepted whatever crumbs were offered. I guess that was her attempt to get my attention and to make me happy. The rest of the time I was basically low man on the totem pole. Even when sex was taking place it was usually prefaced with something like *"Ok, I am tired, so you have five minutes" which is not exactly the best way to get in the moment. *I was told that she just didn't think about it. I was told that all of her girl friends felt like it was just a chore they had to put up, but that most women really didn't want sex.....
> 
> ....So where is the reality? At one extreme or the other, both, some where in the middle?





Ynot said:


> I think it just evolved this way over time. I really can't pick out one thing. I know that having children put the kabosh on things, we used to say our daughter was the best birth control money could buy since she was such a hand full. Both of us were usually to tired to have sex then.
> Early on she was was willing and enthusiastic. I always made sure she was taken care of. She told me that I used to make her cum so hard she could hardly walk. I do recall asking her if she still felt that way and she said that she had gotten used to it.
> Early on we did lots of different positions and tried to mix things up. It is just over time she settled into a routine and wasn't interested in trying anything different. And then there was the whole I am too busy/tired/bloated/constipated/gassy/headache/back hurt take your pick excuse du jour.
> I got to the point that I knew from the moment she got up in the morning that nothing was going to happen that day so I didn't even bother.
> ...


Are you married to a clone of my wife, but sexually more adventurous? 

I have been married to a woman that I love for 44+ years. She is limited to two sex position, same as yours. Oral for her or me is off the table because of her inhibitions. As you say doggy style is off the table as disgusting. Masturbation is also disgusting. For a time we were in a sex starved marriage of sex every month or so until it stopped completely. One of the cruelest things I every heard was similar to what your wife told you and what mind told me was she had an early meeting in the morning and needed her sleep otherwise her week would be ruined so I had 2 minutes to finish up as she was going to roll over by then, and go to sleep. 

Rather than taking that, I told her I deserved better. She got upset, but I did deserve better. I made a point of reading a ton of relationship books, changing myself to be a more desirable man, doing things in her love languages to make her feel loved and cherished and determining that I was going to fix my marriage or end it. I didn't tell her I was working to fix my marriage or end it, just that I wanted to try to fix our marriage.

May I suggest a few books you might want to read. Glover's No More Mr Nice Guy, MW Davis the Sex Starved Marriage, Chapman's 5 Languages of Love. They may or may not help you as much as they helped me. After my wife decided to try to change our marriage for the better as well, we got help from a sex therapist.

My wife is still limited to two positions, but she has mastered them very well and can rock my world with them. We have sex twice a week, which stretches her to her limits and makes me feel loved and bonded to my wife. I really thing that I enjoy the closeness that sex makes me feel to my wife much, much more that the orgasmic act.

It can get better. You just need to not give up and try. If you are lucky it will get better. Good luck.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Young at Heart - too little too late. It is over, there is no marriage. We have been divorced for over a year now. I haven't spoken to her since our divorce was finalized. I am really just looking to find out just how abnormal my sex life had become. I used to joke that I had the best yard in my neighborhood because I was the most sexually frustrated man in the area. I loved my wife and wanted to be close to her. The only thing I truly ever asked from her was companionship. I wanted to feel as though I had a partner and not just an extremely needy (financially) roommate. She equated that with sex everytime I brought it up. She couldn't or wouldn't or wasn't able to recognize that intimacy between spouses was a part of companionship. She was just too busy as she put it, to try. Now I am standing on the outside and wondering what is normal.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Ynot said:


> Young at Heart - too little too late. It is over, there is no marriage. We have been divorced for over a year now. I haven't spoken to her since our divorce was finalized. I am really just looking to find out just how abnormal my sex life had become. I used to joke that I had the best yard in my neighborhood because I was the most sexually frustrated man in the area. I loved my wife and wanted to be close to her. The only thing I truly ever asked from her was companionship. I wanted to feel as though I had a partner and not just an extremely needy (financially) roommate. She equated that with sex everytime I brought it up. She couldn't or wouldn't or wasn't able to recognize that intimacy between spouses was a part of companionship. She was just too busy as she put it, to try. Now I am standing on the outside and wondering what is normal.


I was close to divorce but was able to work my way back. Sorry I didn't realize that you had divorced and this was just trying to find things out.

My experience is that yes, it can happen that way, but it doesn't have to. It takes a lot of work to keep over a long period of time from having a wife become a roommate, then become a financial partner, then someone you have little in common with except a mailing address.

If I were you, I would look for a woman who really enjoys sex, is proud of her body and what it can do for a man, who is into you, who understands your love languages, and thinks you are funny.

Good luck.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

This is sad.

I too, had very boring passionless, limited sex the last few years of my marriage. One day he just stopped wanting it and became incapable of doing it with me.

I prefer sex like your rebound gf did. The slow and easy romantic sex is not my thing.

The tease can be slow and I do like the gentleness after I've been destroyed so to speak...showing tenderness after. 

Yes, you can have long term passionate sex because I have experienced it. Passion doesn't always mean rough though. 

I think it's different for each person and for each couple. And it can be different within the same couple. Variety is good! 
For me, the rougher the better is my standard, but I also like to mix it up.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Young at Heart said:


> If I were you, I would look for a woman who really enjoys sex, is proud of her body and what it can do for a man, who is into you, who understands your love languages, and thinks you are funny.
> 
> Good luck.


That's the plan!


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

where_are_we said:


> This is sad.
> 
> I too, had very boring passionless, limited sex the last few years of my marriage. One day he just stopped wanting it and became incapable of doing it with me.
> 
> ...


Don't get me wrong. I like to just Fvck someimes too. But my ex was always about me being gentle. Then after 25 years of conditioning I met the rebound GF. It was like showing up for a basketball game dressed as a hockey player. I just wasn't ready for it. And being drunk everytime didn't help either (her choice not mine)


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

nursejackie said:


> Then I became less interested- tired, hormonal, weight gain- but if he was insistent -fine- and I did enjoy it once we got into it..


In the modern world no means NO.
you are an accessory to the act of rape.


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

I also used the 2 minute line.

I feel bad he had to put up with that for so long. It must have really done a number on his self esteem. I really didn't think it was that important since it was no where on my list of priorities at the time. Now I know different.

He is also different though. He spends time with me talking, takes me out for dinner, buys me flowers.. .. MC said it all works so much better if both are trying to improve the marriage and be a better partner.

Hang in there Ynot. I think some lucky woman will snatch you up and you can find out together what YOUR normal is!


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

Spot- I hear what you are saying but it wasn't like that. MC said it is fairly typical at a certain point in a woman's life when they are no longer ready to go at a moments notice, it requires more effort and time before they become "interested." 

It was never a case of force- rather some whining and pleading before I said yes.

I am sorry if that was a personal trigger for you. I should have made it clearer.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

flipflops said:


> At least you had a schedule. I wasn't sure I was getting any from one year to the next. No, not dismissing your sex life at all. Just being a smarta$$. It sucks for both of us.


I totally hear you.

If it helps, i was a virgin, so i can't be positive it was bad sex. i'm 99% sure it was. I mean, if it only lasts 3 mins and he's making a face like he hates it the whole time, that's bad right? 


it's cool. 
I'm excited to get away from the sex grinch.
Maybe it'll be better luck next time for both of us 
:toast:
At least i have no doubts about being better off on my own.


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

nursejackie said:


> I also used the 2 minute line.
> 
> I feel bad he had to put up with that for so long. *It must have really done a number on his self esteem.* I really didn't think it was that important since it was no where on my list of priorities at the time. Now I know different.


Do you have an explanation as to why it wasn't apparent to you *at the time* that diminishing your spouse's self esteem wasn't a good thing?

Do you think there was anything he, or those in his situation, might have done to help you reach this, unfortunately not obvious, realization sooner?

(In our situation, we have experienced a lot of sickness and death around us, and I've been looking for ways to emphasize the point that life isn't infinite. During our all to frequent "dry spells," I've even said, "I have a sexual fantasy." Then explain, "My sexual fantasy is that some day I will die, and you will eventually regret that you could have had a more sexual and intimate marriage." I really dislike being bitter and sarcastic, but dislike disengaging more.)


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

bestyet2be said:


> Do you have an explanation as to why it wasn't apparent to you *at the time* that diminishing your spouse's self esteem wasn't a good thing?
> 
> Do you think there was anything he, or those in his situation, might have done to help you reach this, unfortunately not obvious, realization sooner?
> 
> (In our situation, we have experienced a lot of sickness and death around us, and I've been looking for ways to emphasize the point that life isn't infinite. During our all to frequent "dry spells," I've even said, "I have a sexual fantasy." Then explain, "My sexual fantasy is that some day I will die, and you will eventually regret that you could have had a more sexual and intimate marriage." I really dislike being bitter and sarcastic, but dislike disengaging more.)


I know it wasn't directed towards me, but I really think that is the thing - at the time, I don't think most people know any better. There are some who use denial and rejection as tools to assert domination. But I think in general, most people don't even realize what they are doing. 
The only time in my own marriage that I think I made my ex cry was about ten years ago when I was some how able to communicate to her how I felt she had been acting like a cold entitled empress, who only felt the need to allow a peasant to touch her when the mood struck her. Unfortunately her remorse didn't last long. Soon she went right back into her ice princess routine with me.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

sixty-eight said:


> If it helps, i was a virgin, so i can't be positive it was bad sex. i'm 99% sure it was. I mean, if it only lasts 3 mins and he's making a face like he hates it the whole time, that's bad right?


LOL! Yeah, there's slightly better sex out there .


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

Best yet2be
I think I responded to you and it went into cyberspace - so sorry if this is a repeater

The whole touch thing made my skin crawl. It was like a burn and recoil. Its hard to explain how much I hated to be touched let alone be intimate in a sexual way it felt like i was being suffocated or claustrophobic .

I think my extreme distaste for touch superseded his need for sex.

If I had acknowledged and empathized with how all my rejection was making him feel I would have had to take responsibility- do something about it for him and for the marriage. I could not make myself physically do that and it would have made me feel terribly guilty acknowledging how unfair the situation was to him..

I guess the way to have recognized how important it was to him earlier would have been through open communication and MC.(he could have initiated this) Making positive changes on his end made me feel more connected and open to understanding his need for sex and cuddling. He never really talked about any of it- just kept asking for sex -until he didn't.

If I had gone on medication earlier that would have sped up the whole awakening too I think.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

nursejackie said:


> Spot- I hear what you are saying but it wasn't like that. MC said it is fairly typical at a certain point in a woman's life when they are no longer ready to go at a moments notice, it requires more effort and time before they become "interested."
> 
> It was never a case of force- rather some whining and pleading before I said yes.
> 
> I am sorry if that was a personal trigger for you. I should have made it clearer.


Let me just spell that out for you "No means NO"

hey don't debate with me on it, I am fully aware the difference between "no, convince me" and "no, leave me alone" (or just plain, "no thanks"). I am passing on what is the majority AND LEGAL definition.

Also there seems to be no tested statute of limitations on the "no".
so guys, you get that no, you're better off walking away then and there fo'ever.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

sixty-eight said:


> If it helps, i was a virgin, so i can't be positive it was bad sex. i'm 99% sure it was. I mean, if it only lasts 3 mins and he's making a face like he hates it the whole time, that's bad right?


OMGs, that so reminds me of a group of us having to explain to a friend. He was skite-ing about his experience because a few of us kept calling him "Mr Vanilla" because he was young. He claimed he had even had "dark sex" (lights off, completely dark and in silence).

Poor fella, we had to break it to him what was really happening....


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

sixty-eight said:


> I totally hear you.
> 
> If it helps, i was a virgin, so i can't be positive it was bad sex. i'm 99% sure it was. I mean, if it only lasts 3 mins and he's making a face like he hates it the whole time, that's bad right?
> 
> ...





spotthedeaddog said:


> OMGs, that so reminds me of a group of us having to explain to a friend. He was skite-ing about his experience because a few of us kept calling him "Mr Vanilla" because he was young. He claimed he had even had "dark sex" (lights off, completely dark and in silence).
> 
> Poor fella, we had to break it to him what was really happening....


haha.

there was a story that went around about Bob Jones University grads that married each other and ended up calling up the college after to figure out sex. They weren't sure they were doing it right.

That one might be urban legend, but it's still funny.

Poor kid. Just because I've been limited to no sex or bad sex, doesn't mean i think it's normal. lol. dark sex. I didn't know what i've been having was called that. I've been calling it bad sex, and it had a name this whole time?!


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

sixty-eight said:


> been limited to no sex or bad sex, doesn't mean i think it's normal. lol. dark sex. I didn't know what i've been having was called that. I've been calling it bad sex, and it had a name this whole time?!


aka "silent sex" (apparently his "noises" were putting her off; so being the gentleman he abstained from 'being noisy')


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Wow the whole silent sex thing really sets off my memory banks. My ex never spoke during sex, the most I ever got from her was some heavy breathing and a few moans. I can't say I was much different, she didn't like to be vocal and I obliged. The rebound on the other hand talked throughout. It was another thing that was very different. Like I said I am so jealous.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

spotthedeaddog said:


> aka "silent sex" (apparently his "noises" were putting her off; so being the gentleman he abstained from 'being noisy')





Ynot said:


> Wow the whole silent sex thing really sets off my memory banks. My ex never spoke during sex, the most I ever got from her was some heavy breathing and a few moans. I can't say I was much different, she didn't like to be vocal and I obliged. The rebound on the other hand talked throughout. It was another thing that was very different. Like I said I am so jealous.


yup. me too. He liked to close his eyes and scrunch up his face. Passive bottom. If i'd make any noise he'd give me a look like i was being annoying.

Sometimes i wondered if he was averse to all noise, or just trying to concentrate (read:trying not to prematurely ejaculate), but since there was no talking and he won't tolerate talking about sex after, i guess my questions will remain unanswered. Lord knows i'm not asking now.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

sixty-eight said:


> yup. me too. He liked to close his eyes and scrunch up his face. Passive bottom. If i'd make any noise he'd give me a look like i was being annoying.
> 
> Sometimes i wondered if he was averse to all noise, or just trying to concentrate (read:trying not to prematurely ejaculate), but since there was no talking and he won't tolerate talking about sex after, i guess my questions will remain unanswered. Lord knows i'm not asking now.


I can't recall ever having a conversation about sex. At least not any substantial one. If we did it usually involved some reason why we couldn't have sex. We never really talked about likes or dislikes, I guess I am to blame as well, I don't recall ever trying to start one either. I guess I was just so happy when we had sex that I didn't want to rock the boat.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

Ynot said:


> I can't recall ever having a conversation about sex. At least not any substantial one. If we did it usually involved some reason why we couldn't have sex. We never really talked about likes or dislikes, I guess I am to blame as well, I don't recall ever trying to start one either. I guess I was just so happy when we had sex that I didn't want to rock the boat.


I tried a few times early on, trying to figure out what we liked. but he would just groan my name and roll his eyes. Like, i was being completely unreasonable. And then he would just change the subject. It didn't take me long to get the hint that talking about it was not allowed. 
I tried again when things went from mediocre/boring to unfulfilling for me, and that always sparked a big fight, but by then i saw it as not having anything to lose.

Should have known better. Imo if you have to explain to someone why you should get to orgasm too, then it's just a lost cause.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

sixty-eight said:


> Should have known better. Imo if you have to explain to someone why you should get to orgasm too, then it's just a lost cause.


It is sad to even need to have a conversation about this.

Funny enough, my wife and I had the reverse conversation. It is very difficult for her to O via PIV, and I think she had gotten to the point where she was actually ok with it, in general she enjoyed just as much the closeness/contact (and tbh most times I enjoy more everything leading up to the O vs the actual O). On top of it, since we struggle with time, we don't always have enough time to make sure everything is taken care of since it can take her time to get there (so in part I think she felt selfish needing prolonged attention). I don't recall why the conversation came up, but we were talking about it and I pretty much insisted that walking away without an O was unacceptable. Since we had that conversation at least one O has been there to greet her each time we were done lol.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I was a virgin when I met my ex-husband and was faithful to him. So, when I started dating after our divorce, I was a 38-year-old woman whose "number" was one. I'm not particularly vocal during sex, as that wasn't something my ex-husband enjoyed or encouraged. My first partner after my divorce, though, was something of a dirty talker. Honestly, the first time, it freaked me right the hell out!  

I think it's just tough to transition from the one partner you've had for a very long time, to someone new. All the ways you've learned to "do" sex, and a relationship in general, have to go out the window. You have to figure out how to relate to someone who doesn't have your experiences, doesn't know every intimate detail of you and your history, hasn't shared years of your life with you. But they also haven't been part of whatever was dysfunctional during those years. They weren't a part of whatever makes up your baggage. It's just a whole new world. 

I find it helps to remember that whoever the new person in your life is, you're just as new (and strange and different and unknown) to them as they are to you. That said, figure out what you want and what makes someone compatible with those wants. There's always some learning, adjustment, and compromise. But there's zero need to be in a relationship, of any sort, with someone who is fundamentally incompatible with your needs.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Rowan said:


> My first partner after my divorce, though, was something of a dirty talker. Honestly, the first time, it freaked me right the hell out!
> 
> I think it's just tough to transition from the one partner you've had for a very long time, to someone new. All the ways you've learned to "do" sex, and a relationship in general, have to go out the window. You have to figure out how to relate to someone who doesn't have your experiences, doesn't know every intimate detail of you and your history, hasn't shared years of your life with you. But they also haven't been part of whatever was dysfunctional during those years. They weren't a part of whatever makes up your baggage. It's just a whole new world.
> 
> I find it helps to remember that whoever the new person in your life is, you're just as new (and strange and different and unknown) to them as they are to you. That said, figure out what you want and what makes someone compatible with those wants. There's always some learning, adjustment, and compromise. But there's zero need to be in a relationship, of any sort, with someone who is fundamentally incompatible with your needs.


You speak the truth. It did freak me out moving from my ex to my rebound. it didn't help that we were both drunk or at least very buzzed every time either. My ex would not be intimate with me if I had been drinking, she said I took too long. So going from only having sex stone cold sober to only having sex when buzzed was quite a transition. 
I do know that with the rebound we actually talked about sex and our likes and dislikes. But my mind just wasn't ready for the actual act in more ways than one.
Honestly I am looking forward to finding that compatibility in the future.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

I've had two sexual partners - first one was the woman I was involved with before the wife who was a single mom with three kids. We didn't do a whole lot of kinky stuff, but we would do it a lot and would try some different things. If I was at her place for the weekend and she had the kids, then we would wait until the kids went to bed and do it downstairs. She was a moaner, too, and that was a turn on. 

Number two is the wife, and she won't give BJ's, won't let me try from behind, won't give me a HJ (she gave me a BJ and a HJ very early on, but not since). We used to go around the house and have sex, but in the past five years, we've rarely had sex. Like you, I get the excuses such as headache, backache, cramps, tired, etc. 

Like the OP, we've rarely had a talk about sex. She will occassionally mention we should have sex, but when it's a good time, I always hear about her ailments, which totally ruins the mood.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

ChargingCharlie said:


> I've had two sexual partners - first one was the woman I was involved with before the wife who was a single mom with three kids. We didn't do a whole lot of kinky stuff, but we would do it a lot and would try some different things. If I was at her place for the weekend and she had the kids, then we would wait until the kids went to bed and do it downstairs. She was a moaner, too, and that was a turn on.
> 
> Number two is the wife, and she won't give BJ's, won't let me try from behind, won't give me a HJ (she gave me a BJ and a HJ very early on, but not since). We used to go around the house and have sex, but in the past five years, we've rarely had sex. Like you, I get the excuses such as headache, backache, cramps, tired, etc.
> 
> Like the OP, we've rarely had a talk about sex. She will occassionally mention we should have sex, but when it's a good time, I always hear about her ailments, which totally ruins the mood.


My ex wanted to schedule a time. That hurt. I understand she may have thought it was a compromise, but I wanted some spontaneity and to be honest the whole scheduling thing made it sound like a chore to be checked off the "Honey-do" list instead of just enjoying the connection.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Ynot said:


> Honestly I am looking forward to finding that compatibility in the future.


Look for someone who can light you up like these two :grin2:












Ynot said:


> My ex wanted to schedule a time. That hurt. I understand she may have thought it was a compromise, but I wanted some spontaneity and to be honest the whole scheduling thing made it sound like a chore to be checked off the "Honey-do" list instead of just enjoying the connection.


This is exactly why I refuse to set a # in terms of how often we should have sex (we as in my W and I, not you and I lol). The moment I set a number it becomes a chore and really takes a lot of the spontaneity out of it


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Ynot said:


> My ex wanted to schedule a time. That hurt. I understand she may have thought it was a compromise, but I wanted some spontaneity and to be honest the whole scheduling thing made it sound like a chore to be checked off the "Honey-do" list instead of just enjoying the connection.


Totally get that on your end - scheduling sounds like work. I love spontaneity. Last weekend, my wife came home from an event where she got all dressed up (even though she's somewhat overweight, she did look good). She came up to bed where i was reading and started talking, and when I placed my hand on her leg, she announced how tired she was and how her head hurt and got dressed in her PJ's. I went to bed (I wasn't even thinking of sex, but she made sure that door was closed. Can't be having sex when there's Candy Crush to be played).


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

ChargingCharlie said:


> Totally get that on your end - scheduling sounds like work. I love spontaneity. Last weekend, my wife came home from an event where she got all dressed up (even though she's somewhat overweight, she did look good). She came up to bed where i was reading and started talking, and when I placed my hand on her leg, she announced how tired she was and how her head hurt and got dressed in her PJ's. I went to bed (I wasn't even thinking of sex, but she made sure that door was closed. Can't be having sex when there's Candy Crush to be played).


Oh I know that feeling but it was FaceBook instead of Candy Crush. I don't know how many evenings ended with my ex falling asleep in a chair with her laptop open to FaceBook. I guess somethings were more important than others?


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

some of these women, i wonder how much they get off on the control aspect of it like my stbx. He got some sadistic joy out of telling me no. 

I've played candy crush. Even the boring sex that i've had is better than that.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Ynot said:


> Oh I know that feeling but it was FaceBook instead of Candy Crush. I don't know how many evenings ended with my ex falling asleep in a chair with her laptop open to FaceBook. I guess somethings were more important than others?


I have actually taken my wife's phone out of her hands and thrown it on the floor


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

sixty-eight said:


> some of these women, i wonder how much they get off on the control aspect of it like my stbx. He got some sadistic joy out of telling me no.
> 
> I've played candy crush. Even the boring sex that i've had is better than that.


I just checked my phone, I am on level 930, so close to 1000 lol!!!


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

EllisRedding said:


> I have actually taken my wife's phone out of her hands and thrown it on the floor


i totally get it. a few months ago i got out of the shower and dried off and got dressed slowly, putting on lotion, watching him. I did everything but jump up and down and yell. He never looked up from Clash of Clans.

i've come to terms with it.
He was like that when i got him, it's not about me.


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## Omar174 (Mar 12, 2014)

sixty-eight said:


> I totally hear you.
> 
> If it helps, i was a virgin, so i can't be positive it was bad sex. i'm 99% sure it was. * I mean, if it only lasts 3 mins and he's making a face like he hates it the whole time, that's bad right? *
> 
> ...


Can't get much worse. :smile2:


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## Omar174 (Mar 12, 2014)

sixty-eight said:


> i totally get it. a few months ago i got out of the shower and dried off and got dressed slowly, putting on lotion, watching him. I did everything but jump up and down and yell. He never looked up from Clash of Clans.
> 
> i've come to terms with it.
> He was like that when i got him,* it's not about me*.


Nope.

A normal dude would have walked over to you and ...I better not. I'll get banned. >


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## Omar174 (Mar 12, 2014)

Ynot said:


> I read some of these threads and I get so jealous. Women who love sex, want to place their man, enjoy sex, enjoy the intimacy. Men who love to please their wives. Men and women who enjoy each others bodies and seek to please the other. It just makes me so jealous.
> 
> I spent 24 years in an increasingly barren marriage. We had semi-regular sex. But it was often passionless and after a while I pretty much new the schedule. I also knew exactly what to expect.
> 
> ...


I know that sh_t gets old after a while, but man..I could totally live with that right about now. 

The best ones for me (3 ladies) have been the ones where we always seemed to be in sync and on the same page. Sometimes a quickie, sometimes slow and easy, sometimes crazy marathons.


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

nursejackie said:


> ...feel unattractive, getting little pleasure from life... ...Its hard to explain how much I hated to be touched let alone be intimate in a sexual way...


One of the many things I've learned on this site is that there seem to be two categories of problem here.

People who experience the pains of life as "depression" (maybe not technical depression, but you get the idea) can turn away from all intimacy (sexual and non-sexual).

I understand that. My wife can be a little like that.

Other people are really unhappy with too much sex and not enough non-sexual intimacy or too much non-sexual intimacy and not enough sexual intimacy.

A lot of postings are along those lines, and that was hard for me to understand.

Someone posts, "Not enough sex!" but seems like (at least) two very different situations, and I'm noticing people familiar with one situation likely misunderstand the other.


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

Ynot said:


> My ex wanted to schedule a time. That hurt. I understand she may have thought it was a compromise, but I wanted some spontaneity and to be honest the whole scheduling thing made it sound like a chore to be checked off the "Honey-do" list instead of just enjoying the connection.





EllisRedding said:


> This is exactly why I refuse to set a # in terms of how often we should have sex (we as in my W and I, not you and I lol). The moment I set a number it becomes a chore and really takes a lot of the spontaneity out of it


Funny. Guess I'm the contrarian here. Spontaneity is great, too, but I love the anticipation of looking forward to a scheduled time.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

I have just about given up on a sex life. My story is here if you are interested. Recently I explained how my Ex and I tried again and how it fizzled out. The same sh*t came up when it came to sex. Bottom line - she's not interested. So 20 years up in smoke. Soon after I discovered her affair 2 1/2 yrs back my brother told me to my face that she no longer found me attractive. It was true. Despite going to the gym , dropping weight, changing how I dress - a big fat zero.

The thing I didn't mention recently was that she basically told me to stop dropping hints. It had been a problem before - my little statements etc, which I thought were fun remarks but I realised were stale, a bad joke, old material. She asked me to stop dropping one line in particular. That really hit me because I thought to myself - wow, not only will she not sleep with me but she's asking me not to mention it! That was when I said my last goodbye. Yes, we are in the same house because of our finances and our children but it is dead.

Before we tried the reconciliation some people here encouraged me to get out there and get some action and I did briefly, but now nothing. I have lost interest as well it seems. too much like hard work. Maybe I'll luck onto someone who is up for it but, well, I'm not holding my breath. Sexual compatibility is essential even though things change after many years together. I didn't pay attention to her sexual selfishness nor the history of cheating. I was contented there early on and just didn't use my brains. Kept letting things slide particularly when the kids were young. Big mistake.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

bestyet2be said:


> Funny. Guess I'm the contrarian here. Spontaneity is great, too, but I love the anticipation of looking forward to a scheduled time.


I do agree about the anticipation. The problem I found, if we set a schedule we almost never had sex outside of that schedule. There would be plenty of times where I was in the mood, but because it wasn't in the "calendar" I felt like I couldn't initiate anything, just end up getting frustrated and not wanting sex at all.


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

EllisRedding-Bahahah- For awhile I actually thought your pics were of you- I wasn't paying attention to the name.
I'd read a post and think this guy sounds so normal, intelligent….but sure looks creepy weirdo…I think I caught on after Lyle Richie (a little slow on the uptake!)


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

EllisRedding said:


> I do agree about the anticipation. The problem I found, if we set a schedule we almost never had sex outside of that schedule. There would be plenty of times where I was in the mood, but because it wasn't in the "calendar" I felt like I couldn't initiate anything, just end up getting frustrated and not wanting sex at all.


Yep^^^^^It isn't on today's to do list therefore there is no room in the schedule for it. It is just a more refined version of I have to wash my hair or I have a headache


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

sixty-eight said:


> yup. me too. He liked to close his eyes and scrunch up his face. Passive bottom. If i'd make any noise he'd give me a look like i was being annoying.
> 
> Sometimes i wondered if he was averse to all noise, or just trying to concentrate (read:trying not to prematurely ejaculate), but since there was no talking and he won't tolerate talking about sex after, i guess my questions will remain unanswered. Lord knows i'm not asking now.


Nobody deserves sex like this. Hope your next partner doesn't have the same issues and is a lot more fun and can allow you to let loose a bit more.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

nursejackie said:


> EllisRedding-Bahahah- For awhile I actually thought your pics were of you- I wasn't paying attention to the name.
> I'd read a post and think this guy sounds so normal, intelligent….but sure looks creepy weirdo…I think I caught on after Lyle Richie (a little slow on the uptake!)


Haha, so you thought I was some crazy Russian Santa wannabe >

My original avatar when I signed up was below, am I just slowly evolving!


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Sex is not the most important thing in a relationship, but it is important, because it is a form of intimacy like no other. If two people are struggling in this area within their relationship, or there is a dramatic imbalance of who wants it and how often, there are reasons for it. I think many couples just don’t want to face those reasons so the dissatisfied partner keeps the peace and takes whatever he/she can get. Sex isn’t about ‘getting’ something off on another person, though. It’s about a mutual expression of love and pleasure. I can’t help but wonder if some spouses just don’t get much out of it because that mutual factor isn’t there, and they feel like it’s a chore. Not saying this was the case for you OP, but it’s a possible explanation.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I don't think there is a way to identify the "most important" think in a marriage, but there are a number of "necessary" things. For many people a good sex life is one of those necessary things. 

I'm pretty convinced that people just vary a lot in their innate level of desire for sex. That can of course change with the situation - no one is going to want a lot of sex with a physically repulsive, selfish partner, but I think that even in a perfect situation the amount of sex different people want will vary a lot. 




*Deidre* said:


> Sex is not the most important thing in a relationship, but it is important, because it is a form of intimacy like no other. If two people are struggling in this area within their relationship, or there is a dramatic imbalance of who wants it and how often, there are reasons for it. I think many couples just don’t want to face those reasons so the dissatisfied partner keeps the peace and takes whatever he/she can get. Sex isn’t about ‘getting’ something off on another person, though. It’s about a mutual expression of love and pleasure. I can’t help but wonder if some spouses just don’t get much out of it because that mutual factor isn’t there, and they feel like it’s a chore. Not saying this was the case for you OP, but it’s a possible explanation.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Sex is something that I feel that every able-bodied male really wants and needs!

To that end, sex should be done wantonly and desirously, with little to no regard of fear or aversion. But along with the intoxicating physical aspects of it, what makes the sex experience so such more complete and whole, is the heartfelt love and empathy that we bring forth in willingly doing it! That's what makes it the totally euphoric experience that I feel that God truly made it to be!

And unless there has been something of a traumatic nature that had occurred earlier in life, no loving man or woman should be aversive to oral, both in giving and receiving!

Physically and emotionally pleasing my lover is "task one," whether I get off or not! After all, sex is supposed to be a loving, trusting gift that we unselfishly convey to each other ~ and should never ever be used as personal leverage or for psychological one-upmanship!

After all, you never treat the one you love that way!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

First, I just want to say I am truly blessed with an absolutely wonderful wife. My heart goes out to those who are less fortunate.

With that said, I had many casual relationships, and a few LTRs before I met my wife. The thing I found during my single years was that in order for any relationship to work, there had to be a level of communication that transcended any initial attraction, good sex, and common interests. Obviously, that didn't happen before I met my wife. When my wife and I dated, and before we ever took the plunge into marriage, we had many talks about any and everything. Deal-breakers were definitely discussed, and they were communicated. It wasn't just idle talk, either. I told her that sex was extremely important to me as that was my love language, and that I would be gone at the first hint of an affair. That's just two of the many things we discussed. We're working toward our 20th anniversary now, and things are better now than ever. We grew toward each other, instead of apart. That's the way a marriage is SUPPOSED to be. 

To the OP, what you had was a shell of a marriage, or what I call a marriage of convenience. Once the initial passion was over the marriage was dead. That is not how it should've been. It's in the past, now. Put it behind you. You did all you could do.

In the future, I would be upfront about expectations in a relationship, let alone a marriage. Put it out there exactly what is important to you (i.e. sex, and even how often), and throw out the deal-breakers for you (affairs, lack of sex, etc.). If you are going into a long-term relationship, it is extremely important to be UP FRONT with this, and to have the ability to communicate with her ANYTHING that is bothersome to you. She should be able to do the same, without judgment from you. There has to be a level of TRUST beyond anything casual, and no matter what happens, ANYTHING that is said in confidence cannot be repeated, nor used as leverage against the other in the heat of the moment.

Just be who you are, be confident, know what you want, and don't "settle" for somebody that doesn't meet your most important criteria. Have fun, and good hunting.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> I don't think there is a way to identify the "most important" think in a marriage, but there are a number of "necessary" things. For many people a good sex life is one of those necessary things.
> 
> I'm pretty convinced that people just vary a lot in their innate level of desire for sex. That can of course change with the situation - no one is going to want a lot of sex with a physically repulsive, selfish partner, but I think that even in a perfect situation the amount of sex different people want will vary a lot.


Agree. I think about people who can't have sex, maybe due to illnesses, paralysis, etc. Think that our culture places a large importance on sex in terms of how people value one another. But, if we ever find ourselves in situations where we are not capable of having sex for physical medical reasons, it would be a true test of the relationship if someone would stay with us or not. 

It's only as necessary as we make it.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I think that there is a difference between rejecting sex for medical reasons, and not being interested. A person who was physically unable to have sex could still desire sex with their partner. Being desired is, at least to me, a very important part of a relationship. 

I think it is the rejection for no good reason that is painful. A particularly painful example is being rejected is being turned down, then discovering your partner watching porn. 




*Deidre* said:


> Agree. I think about people who can't have sex, maybe due to illnesses, paralysis, etc. Think that our culture places a large importance on sex in terms of how people value one another. But, if we ever find ourselves in situations where we are not capable of having sex for physical medical reasons, it would be a true test of the relationship if someone would stay with us or not.
> 
> It's only as necessary as we make it.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

My experience has been that women generally don't want sex. They will do it only as a means to get what they want and that's it. Notice that most men report after the kids come along there is a dropoff if not a stoppage of sex all together. At that point they know that divorcing them has now gotten way more expensive, so now if they stop having sex with you, there's little you can do about it.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

jb02157 said:


> My experience has been that women generally don't want sex. They will do it only as a means to get what they want and that's it. Notice that most men report after the kids come along there is a dropoff if not a stoppage of sex all together. At that point they know that divorcing them has now gotten way more expensive, so now if they stop having sex with you, there's little you can do about it.


One thing I have learned on TAM, this does go both ways, based on the numerous threads from women complaining about sexless marriages.


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