# Why am I thinking of cheating on my wife?



## unregistereda (Nov 17, 2012)

Firstly, let me explain I’m a bad-ass guy and I attract bad ass girls. I’m pretty softened up these days, solid career, education and a very stable life, but I have never dropped the bad ass look. 9 times out of 10, if a girl around me is remotely rebel, punk, goth, metal, biker, party-animal, or just plain mischievous or different, they gravitate towards me like I’m a vortex. I wish I could explain it better but I can honestly smell it when it happens. When a girl like this is around me they bring the charmer out of me.

Before my wife, all my previous relationships were with the kind of women described above. All of them (around 9 or so) were fun but very short lived (1-4 months on average). The problem was simple, bad girls come with LARGE amounts of baggage. After each short relationship I would be exhausted and would prefer to be single for a long while until the next one would come along. Should be stated here I never cheated on anyone, ever.


Now 4 years ago I met the woman of my dreams. A girl with an education, a solid career, no baggage and to top it all off: gorgeous. She was NOT the bad ass type and I was relieved. I pinched myself when we got married 2 years ago, and I’ve been happy ever since. Except for... something happened this week.

More background:
My wife has serious back problems but we have worked on it quite a bit, especially her. She is often moody because of the pain but she has worked incredibly hard to make the best with the wonderful body she has. I always tell her she’s the most poorly designed yet best built woman in the world. Our sex life is average and around twice a week. I would be happier with 3-4 times a week but she is often sore, and I can understand that. Also, while quite passionate and satisfying, our sex is quite plain. I hate to say this but I have had better sex with other people, but I have never been with a better person overall. While she can be very cranky and dismissive of my advances, she is also very loving a good provider and someone I trust 100%. She trusts me too. We are solid.

Here’s the issue:
4 years ago, during the first month my wife and I were dating, a girl from work (lets call her Megan) asked me out and I had to refuse. Megan was the typical “bad ass” kind, and INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE. Like from 1-10 she’s an 11. She’s the kind of girl that guys drool about and other girls hate and gossip about. She is also rumored to be bisexual and incredibly sexually adventurous. Talk about trouble. Ever since this incident, every time I see her at work I can’t help but feel like I missed out, even though my rational mind knows that whatever would happen between Megan and I would be very brief. Overall, this has not been a problem however, because I’m in a happy relationship and I don’t see Megan that much at work anyways.

Last week, out of the blue I was at a 4-day work function and Megan sat right next to me the whole time. We talked quite a bit and we couldn’t stop staring at each other. After the first day, I was very out of my mind when I came home. I immediately jumped on my wife and we had the best sex in probably the past 6 months. I felt sooooo troubled and confused by this. The next day at the work function I did something really bad and asked Megan if she wanted to go for a quick coffee during our 20 minute break. She says yes. Nothing happened and it was just an innocent coffee but BIG MISTAKE. Now I can’t get her out of my brain.

To make things worse, that very same night something else happened with another girl from one of my classes (I take evening classes). She’s probably 10 years younger than me and wouldn’t you know it, she has a big snake tattoo on her left leg. The tattoo spells certain doom for me as I know instantly what kind of girl this is. After class I walk up to her and we talked for like 5-10 minutes. Her boyfriend eventually pulls up and picks her up and nothing happened or would have happened anyways. But honestly, what is wrong with me? Why am I so smitten and awe-struck by these other women? Why am I sticking my neck out? Why am I trying to get to know them better? I can’t stop thinking about both of them, but why? NO WAY I want to cheat on my wife but these thoughts have got to get out of my head. Is it a mid-life crisis (I’m in my mid-30’s)? Do I just need validation from these women? Am I just bored with my sex life? Or maybe I’m just being normal?

Hopefully this feeling passes. Writing it all out already makes me feel 50% better. Sorry it was so long. I’m open to feedback should anyone feel like it. I’ve read though many posts on this forum and you all seem like a very good bunch.

Regards.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

While it's ok to fantasize, it's not ok to act on it. I have been where you are at many years ago. BE STRONG, GET HER OUT OF YOUR HEAD AND AVOID MAGEN LIKE THE PELAGE. If you love your wife, don't soil your marriage having casual sex with someone else. And if you are going to do it, at least have the decency to leave your wife first before you do it.


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## ShatteredinAL (Feb 5, 2012)

Tell your wife. That'll dull the sparkle a bit I'm sure.


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## Mtts (Apr 16, 2012)

unregistereda said:


> Firstly, let me explain I’m a bad-ass guy


You talking about having desire to be unfaithful contridicts this. Be the husband you promised to be and drop the bad ass act and you'll be better off.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

unregistereda said:


> Also, while quite passionate and satisfying, our sex is quite plain. I hate to say this but I have had better sex with other people,


You said this. It implies your wife doesn't turn you on to the degree 'bad-ass' gals do. Is that right? 

confusing part: you have passionate & satisfying sex BUT it's plain and very low on the scale of your experiences. Hmmm - not gettin' it



unregistereda said:


> when I came home. I immediately jumped on my wife and we had the best sex in probably the past 6 months.


Were you having sex with the 'bad-ass' with the tats in your mind? 
You said "*we* had the best..." are you sure it was "we" not "I enjoyed..."

Maybe you should talk your wife into getting some bad-ass tats. 

Maybe you and your wife should experiment with different positions that don't aggravate her back. 

Maybe you should examine what you want from the marriage.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

unregistereda said:


> Firstly, let me explain I’m a bad-ass guy and I attract bad ass girls. I’m pretty softened up these days, solid career, education and a very stable life, but I have never dropped the bad ass look. 9 times out of 10, if a girl around me is remotely rebel, punk, goth, metal, biker, party-animal, or just plain mischievous or different, they gravitate towards me like I’m a vortex. I wish I could explain it better but I can honestly smell it when it happens. When a girl like this is around me they bring the charmer out of me.


Just don't look at your reflection in a pond.


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## LastUnicorn (Jul 10, 2012)

Can I be frank with you unregistereda? 

You've got 'golly gee wiz I just can't CONTROL myself!' Written alllll over you. You aren't a tough guy at all. Not even remotely bad. You are a beagle puppy in a cowboy boot. Wide eyed, panting, not house trained yet wrapped in leather.

The reason your relationships were so brief & exhausting with your prior bad girls is because you have no stamina. No real fight in you for the long haul. Same reason why your good provider of a wife is being a poor substitute for your wandering eye now. You are setting up, deliberately, situations with other women and blaming THEM and their irresistible tattoos *rolls eyes* as an excuse for your lusting after them.

I had one of you guys a long time ago. I wouldn't let him sharpen my pocket knife, he'd hurt himself.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

First off, what ever you do, DO NOT GET ANY FURTHER INVOLVED WITH ANOTHER WOMAN RIGHT NOW. Infidelity is hellish! You are not special, you will **** up and get caught, and rain unbelievable amounts of hurt and pain on the woman you swore to love and protect. Read these threads, read the one started by Devistated Dad, the pain you read about, it's just the tip of the iceberg. Nothing good will come of infidelity, it might feel good at the time, but the price you'll pay is way too high.

You should get into councelling to try to address some of your issues. You're going to have to become more open and honest with your wife, about sex. If it's boring for you, it is probably boring for her too. Learn to give her massages to relax her muscles and give her relief. Don't make them sexual all the time either. Are you a reader? Not Just Friends is a good book for you to start with, it's written by Shirley Glass.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

I'm curious if posters would have the same opinions if the OP was a woman talking about fantasizing about 'bad-boys' & having so-so sex with her faithful and loyal spouse? 

Probably? Probably not


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Hello, You are a .. Bad Ass in your little Air Conditioned,Super Highway,24 hour shopping, I can buy anything I want to off the internet with my credit card land of the USA, you are NOT a Bad Ass in Narco Mexico, All of South America, All of Africa and some of the Middle East (Iraq little twits will fire at you, run behind a house and cry like babies when you shoot four of there friends and then ask for mercy, never understud that )Southeast Asia, China, Antartica (72 Hours there SUCKED;SUCKEDSUCKED!) and other places that I have not been too. The point is that your are a big fish in a small pond, your wife is a big fish in the ocean.Understand that. She could land in China today and have 100 wealthy guys at her beck and call tomarrow. You, not so much. Look, pull your head out of your butt and work on your marriage not your dumb ego. Good luck and God Bless!


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

unregistereda said:


> Firstly, let me explain I’m a bad-ass guy and I attract bad ass girls. I’m pretty softened up these days, solid career, education and a very stable life, but I have never dropped the bad ass look. 9 times out of 10, if a girl around me is remotely rebel, punk, goth, metal, biker, party-animal, or just plain mischievous or different, they gravitate towards me like I’m a vortex. I wish I could explain it better but I can honestly smell it when it happens. *When a girl like this is around me they bring the charmer out of me*.


You are mistaken, you don't attract bad girls, when they pop up you lower your internal and external boundaires. You explained clearly with the last phrase: they bring the charmer out of you. You give the aviable vibes, your married invisible shell drops, your body language, your looks, all change.
I you werent this way you would't think bad girls "gravitate towards you like you are a vortex".

You special powers are poor boundaires.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Walk away. Your about to screw your life. Just walk away, nothing too bad has happened yet. Maybe tell your wife that Megan came onto you really strong and that your were flattered and went for a coffee with her. Point at self and say. "Idiot"


Then stay well away from Megan because Megan really doesn't give a flying fck about you.


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## oncehisangel (Oct 13, 2012)

lets reverse this..

what if your wife was having the same fantasies about other blokes..


think you'd step up your game husband?  


hope so

focus focus........ how much do you want to hurt her? cause from this side...... the pain is unrelentless. 

be HER bad ass if that's what you feel you are


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## unregistereda (Nov 17, 2012)

*The Middleman:* Thank you for your solid advice.
*ShatteredinAL:* A good upside down perspective, thanks for that.

*Mtts: *
Thanks for your reply. The bad-ass was to give you a perspective that I'm not one of the Waltons or Brady's, nothing more really. I've never cheated on anyone and I think I can continue to avoid cheating without dropping my entire self. 

*walkonmars: *
Foods can be very satisfying yet still be ranked along other similar foods. And no, when I was having sex with my wife, it was with my wife and no one else. Thanks for commenting as I had not thought of this. 

And it was "we had great sex", not "I had great sex". My wife commented immediately after how great it was and a few more times during the week.

As far as positions that don't aggravate the back, it is chronic back pain not really caused by sex. The pain will remain regardless of the delicateness of our sexual positions.
And thanks for asking the hard questions.

*johnnycomelately: *
Thanks but I'm not sure if you are saying I am vain, I have no soul, or something else. Still good food for thought.

*LastUnicorn:*
That was hard to read, but thanks for your frankness. 
I will disagree that I lack stamina. In our very short time together, my wife and I have been through A LOT of hard times due to her back and complications from various surgeries as well as various other life changing events. I disagree that I'm not capable to go through the long haul. We have made it this far.

I do partly agree with your calling me a puppy dog (or insert other cute imagery), I do need to learn to focus but not sure how, hence this post.

And I’m not attracted by tattoo’s at all funny enough. Its tattooed girls that like me, not the other way around. I realize this sounds arrogant but please just trust me that it is true. And I prefer that my wife has no tattoos (but she can have ‘em if she wants ‘em).

*SadandAngry: *
Yes! Well the good news here is that I’m not going to see Megan very often at all, as we are in completely different departments. As for this evening class I’m in, well that will end very soon too. Thank for relating me to the thread from “Devistated Dad” which I will read right away. 

I’m thinking of bringing up the sex issue but I have tried before it is not an easy topic. I do give her like 2-3 massages a week (not sexual, just to make her feel better). This looks like an area we can work on so maybe that’s what I will try and do. Thanks for your post it was a good slap in the face.

*Walkonmars:*
I have not read all other posts but I have often noticed wife infidelity being unfairly romanticized by Hollywood (See Bridges of M a dison County or for a more recent example Take This Waltz).

*DavidWYoung: *
Thank you for your perspective. I very much agree that the problems of our western world are laughable in the context of global social issues involving violence and fundamentalism. Your post should probably be copy/pasted into just about any thread in this forum.

*Acabado:*
I especially liked your post which said that I have boundary issues. This will stick in the back of my mind should similar occasions come up.

*Ing:*
Thanks for your advice, even though the coffee was innocent (no flirting, we just talked about work), I still feel weird telling my wife. But maybe I will if the timing is right.

*oncehisangel: *
Yes, I would be upset, very much so. 

Now it should probably be noted that my post above was typed on Wednesday evening, when I was in my most frantic state. I only found this forum yesterday when much of it has passed. Wife and I had a good weekend so far and I’m really feeling like I’m getting over this hurdle. Also next time I see Megan or have feelings like this I will avoid like the plague. Wish me luck. Thanks again for all your kind advice.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Eeesh. Grow up.

Love what you have...the grass is never greener.


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## unregistereda (Nov 17, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Eeesh. Grow up.
> 
> Love what you have...the grass is never greener.


That was harsh. But I agree with the green grass analogy.


I get the feeling like I stirred a few people with my post. That's understandable. Could any of you direct me to other threads in this forum where the person was tempted to cheat but did not do the deed? Most the other posts I see are after the fact. I'm looking for good prevention advice other than "grow up" and "you are dumb", etc.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I wasn't stirred. I am just saying to 'grow up'.

I was once a gothic beauty ...my husband, before I met him, was also into the gothic scene. But that's just the outside wrappings. Now we're parents and home owners (shocking! LOL!) and dog owners (just got a puppy 2 days ago) and all responsible with careers. We "grew up". Sure we still listen to our music (which scares the kids LOL!) and we have clothes that are 'edgy', but for the most part, we're chill. Jeans, chucks, hoodies. Life changes. BUT we're still the same people we were...still the same dreams and thoughts. Still the same interests. I just don't have black hair or docs and he doesn't have his skinny red ties and fangs. Yep. 

So....while you may SIMPLY BE mourning the past excitement of what was and who you were with, it's time to grow up and enjoy what you HAVE. Those chicks that had "baggage" probably used their outside appearances to HIDE the baggage, or distract from it. I know I wasn't gothic because i was all 'right in the head"  But again, I grew up.

Make some excitement in your own life. Go to a concert to "relive" the days. take your wife. talk about your dreams, etc. BE YOU. Let her be her. Fall in love again. when my husband and I separated, we began to date after a time and got to know each other again. WOW! No talk of bills, house, kids, etc. Just talked about US. It sooo helped spark it up again. We were reminded of our own "coolness".  

Grow up. It's fun. We have brownies


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## unregistereda (Nov 17, 2012)

Hey, thanks.  That was a nice post and I could relate.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea. I know how it is to look at yourself and go, "Wtf happened"? LOLOL Being a mom and a teacher and all "adult" sometimes shocks me still and I have to go be me.

Seriously...go buy something to "be you" with your wife...teach her that side of you if she doesn't know. take her to concerts/shows and just be you...but WITH HER. Don't cheat. You're not that guy. No no. You love your wife, you would NEVER destroy her like that.

When you see those other "cool girls", just remind yourself that they usually come with baggage and don't even compare to your wife who is a real grown woman and has her shet together.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You have to come out of yourself, come out of your self-absorption, in order to master the thoughts you have about cheating. These are literally selfish thoughts. If you direct your attention and affection to your wife instead of focusing on your own desires, you have a chance of rejecting the thoughts that are plaguing you.

Take some time to really look at your wife. She's a three-dimensional person, just like you. Try to appreciate her that way. Feel some compassion and affection. Understand that she has the same emotions that you do - the same joy, pain, love and hurt. Really, really understand what she would feel if you were to betray her. Understand how you would feel if she were to do that to you.

Seeing the person you love in the depth that she/he deserves is a powerful way to stop you from making a mistake that will literally ruin many lives.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

If you really want to change, look into cognitive behavioral therapy with a trained therapist.

It will help you with your thoughts & feelings to not act on on them.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

In the search window put in AnnieAsh to get a thread from someone who pulled back from the brink. She got into an emotional affair, and posted here before making even bigger mistakes. The title of the thread is I'm a wife in an emotional affair. Another monster over 100 pages.

By the way, the best prevention is to think about the consequences of indulging your selfishness, and weigh that against what you are getting, and what kind of a person it would make you. Those who cheat start to skew things in their minds, they ignore likely consequences, they don't think about the implications of what they are doing, because at the time, it feels good, it feels easy. Then the **** hits the fan, their world, their spouse's world is torn completely apart. The remorseful ones wish more than anything they could go back in time and do things differently, that they hadn't ignored the early boundaries, because later, once they were in the fog, they felt like they could not help themselves from crossing major boundaries.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

That girls' post end of thread!!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You know the physical pain your wife is in? Cheat on her and the mental and emotional pain she would be in would be 100x worse.

So, if you would not kick your wife in her back, why consider kicking her in the heart?


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## Michie (Aug 26, 2012)

One very important point, in afew short years when you cease being a "bad ass" and become a " sag ass" it won't be tattooed Megan who will love and appreciate you.

I would suggest you study up on sex positions and techniques that will be good for your wife back and satisfaction.

And final thoughts the way you describe your wife, I would like you to think how many opportunities she comes across to have a fling with men.
Men at work at the park, the grocery store, she's a **** magnet right, caught you didn't she?
Remember that when your drooling over Megan and tattoo classmate, remember how many times a week your wife tells men no either verbally or with her behavior. AND OUT OF LOVE FOR YOU!


Bottom line stop self sabotaging your life!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Alright dude - Honestly - I didn't read all of your opening post - I don't need to the title is enough. 

I'm not going to tell you to grow up, or that you're a lousy guy or any of that.

What I'm going to tell you is that if you care about your wife/SO, if you believe that you are fundamentally a good and honorable guy, if you believe in honoring your commitments - DO NOT CHEAT!! 

I am all of the things I described above - I'm also a cheater. If you are those things to and you cheat you do not understand the prices you will pay. I don't really care about the state of your marriage or what you owe your wife or not. I'm telling you that for no other reason than what you will do to yourself don't do it. If the relationship is in the crapper resolve to either fix it or break it trying. If you succeed - GREAT!! If you don't move on honorably. 

From the little I read I gather you miss the excitement of a new "bad girl" pursing you - but something drew you to your wife. If you know what you want - presumably your wife - work with her to get your needs met inside your marriage.

Whatever you do man - please - for the love of God - heed my warning - learn from the prices I paid - AND DO NOT CHEAT!!!


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

My hubby is a bad ass, complete with tattoos and a mohawk. He looks like he walked off the set of Sons of Anarchy and has always had bad ass women and straight laced women hit on him. He worked in the movie/film industry and never thought twice about the offers. 

He married me because he loved me even though I didn't fit the look of his previous wives/girlfriends. He recognized that he loved me more and differently than he did them. 

Do yourself a favor and get into some counseling. My bet is that you may come from an abusive background, seeing as you're into self-sabotage. Now that you've 'got the girl', you're ready to throw a hand grenade into the best thing that's happened to your life for a few cheap thrills.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

unregistereda said:


> Firstly, let me explain I’m a bad-ass guy and I attract bad ass girls. I’m pretty softened up these days, solid career, education and a very stable life, but I have never dropped the bad ass look. 9 times out of 10, if a girl around me is remotely rebel, punk, goth, metal, biker, party-animal, or just plain mischievous or different, they gravitate towards me like I’m a vortex. I wish I could explain it better but I can honestly smell it when it happens. When a girl like this is around me they bring the charmer out of me.
> 
> Before my wife, all my previous relationships were with the kind of women described above. All of them (around 9 or so) were fun but very short lived (1-4 months on average). The problem was simple, bad girls come with LARGE amounts of baggage. After each short relationship I would be exhausted and would prefer to be single for a long while until the next one would come along. Should be stated here I never cheated on anyone, ever.
> 
> ...


Don't cheat, unless you are okay with the possibility of your wife divorcing you.


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## unregistereda (Nov 17, 2012)

remorseful strayer said:


> Don't cheat, unless you are okay with the possibility of your wife divorcing you.


And that about sums it up.

This week (and especially this past weekend) I've noticed how short lived last weeks feelings were. The emotions felt were lustful, shallow, pointless and impulsive. I have had other opportunities come up since last week that I didn't even think about taking. I believe I'm over the bump, and thanks to this pondering I seem to appreciate my wife more than ever.

We had an AWESOME weekend, and just looking at her I'm reminded of why I married her. I could NEVER do anything to hurt her (thanks for reminding me everyone).

I'm a happy guy, she's a happy girl. I plan on keeping it that way.


Oh, and as for the bad-ass... he's here to stay. :smthumbup:


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

My husband, who I still love very much, cheated on me three times. I left him last week. The emotional hell I've gone through the past two years has been tremendous. There are many reasons to cheat, but one main reason not to. Don't devastate and destroy your wife like my husband did me. I cry. I have nightmares. I can't put into words how bad this has been. Please don't ever do to her what he did to me.


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