# Just want to pop in



## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

Soooo it's been prob a year or more since I left here. I was still pretty messed up when I did leave. 

I believed I was on the right path, but I was only fooling myself. 

I went on some other site in hopes of working through everything only to be banned because they felt I was in a hopeless situation. 

That crushed me. On top of that, my h was looking into the swinging lifestyle and I started doing disgusting things online. At first it felt really good, lots of positive attention, I finally felt desired ( something I was longing for so desperately in my marriage). 

Then in my awkward need to discuss things I ventured out into some other forums. These places did not tolerate my "poor me syndrome" and "LOOK AT ME" complex I was having. 

It was just what I needed to snap out of the hole I was in. I realized that talking about the same issues over and over again was not helping me. That these men who "desired" me could really care less about who I was. I was disgusted with myself. 

I learned that I needed to start respecting myself. And so I went to a support group for women involved in domestic violence. 

There I learned that it is my fault for being in the situation that I'm in. I let him have control over me. I had no boundaries. And he learned that he could do whatever the hell he wanted to without consequence. 

So, I made a list of boundaries. I sent it to him. I told him I would leave him if he cannot respect them. 

He was shocked of course. All these years of me just agreeing to whatever he said in order to "keep" him had finally stopped. 

I think the biggest accomplishment I've had along with the self respect is the loss of my dependency upon him to feel happy about myself.

I started exercising, just finished my first 10k last weekend! I set goals for myself and repeat the phrases "I am beautiful, I am confident, I am strong" everyday in my mind. 

The mind is very powerful and if it hears these phrases enough it will replace the ones I have heard before. 

So, that's where I'm at. How is my marriage now? Better than ever before, but still broken. 

With the history we have it'll be hard for me to ever view it as a healthy marriage. However, if the positives keep repeating themselves perhaps I will one day have that thought replaced too.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Welcome back Tracy! Glad to know you've made progress!


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Welcome back Tracy! Glad to know you've made progress!



Wow! Good to see you  How have you been?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Same o same o 
Its been a long time, but nothing much has changed lol


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Welcome Home, Tracy! You're among friends again!*


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

See? We are still here for you!

Glad you are making progress.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Way to stand up for yourself.

I like that you have boundaries.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

What you have learned is obvious in retrospect, but few people can be told these things and just apply them. For example, I image that others could have told you that the men were just using you, including your husband. Unfortunately, it is not until we get to the bottom do we accept this and then decide to empower ourselves. Your story is not unlike many on here that allow others to use them over and over. Sometimes they finally say enough is enough, while others never do. I am glad you felt you were worth saving.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Gotta say, I am both sad and disgusted by what has transpired, as well as shocked.

I am happy you seem to be out of it. I was really rooting for you when you were posting before. 

How has your marriage improved after these events? What have both of you done to repair the damage? How is he showing he is even worthy? 

You talk about him swinging but this is in the infidelity forum. Did either of you cheat?

Anyway. I sincerely hope you are getting to a better place.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

We still have a lot of work to do :O 

I really don't want to share much more because it just brings up a lot of emotion that I'm trying to overcome and it does absolutely nothing good for me. 

I realize ppl may be curious about the details. But, I've already shared what I'm comfortable with sharing. 

I wanted to acknowledge my mistakes.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

"I started exercising, just finished my first 10k last weekend! I set goals for myself and repeat the phrases "I am beautiful, I am confident, I am strong" everyday in my mind. "

Its amazing how exercise tends to help the mind clear. 

Way to go on the 10K!!

I run 6 days a week myself -about 40ish miles a week...it's the best way for me to decompress. 

It sounds like you have had quite a road...you sure do sound good.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Good job Tracy! Keep kicking ass!&#55357;&#56833;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

VFW said:


> What you have learned is obvious in retrospect, but few people can be told these things and just apply them. For example, I image that others could have told you that the men were just using you, including your husband. Unfortunately, it is not until we get to the bottom do we accept this and then decide to empower ourselves. Your story is not unlike many on here that allow others to use them over and over. Sometimes they finally say enough is enough, while others never do. I am glad you felt you were worth saving.



Ya, I really did hit a very low point. I was completely disgusted with myself and who I became. I couldn't be proud of anything I did and that really upset me. 

It was a terrible ride, but one I needed I guess.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

tracyishere said:


> Ya, I really did hit a very low point. I was completely disgusted with myself and who I became. I couldn't be proud of anything I did and that really upset me.
> 
> It was a terrible ride, but one I needed I guess.


The easy rides, while fun and, of course easy....typically don't teach us anything or take us anywhere worthwhile 

Its the long hard clicks that show us who we really are and who we can be.

That's the beauty of being human....you get to rise like a phoenix -when you are ready


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

Been thinking lots about this site. I think it's best if I leave. Too many painful and crazy memories here. 

Had a nice few days here, but, Its time to move on and close this chapter of my life. 

There are lots of good ppl here and I'm glad that I got a chance to snoop around and catch up for a bit. Thanks everyone.


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## Fenris (Mar 4, 2014)

You'll be missed!


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## Mark72 (May 26, 2012)

I'm glad things are starting to work out for you Tracy!


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