# Out of the woods, now to get back in the swing



## randomguy1 (Mar 28, 2011)

I posted here a long time ago, over a year ago about something I was going through with my wife...

summarize..

she resented me for alot of things I did that made her feel like she was in my shadow, and she felt unappreciated because those things took precedence over her. I was blind to it, and let it continue for too long, and she became tired and began to not care, and stopped trying to garner my attention.

This lead to her going through a part of her life where she was confused. She started going to the bars, where she met guys. One of which she started an emotional relationship with, that eventually became "sort" of physical (they kissed). My wife has always been super honest, and very honorable so for her to even get that far meant things were bad. 

She finally told me, and we began to try to mend our marriage. Fast forward a year, and we are still working on it, but its getting better little by little. She's in nursing school which eats up all her time, and we just came back from a family trip to universal Orlando where we had a blast, and I got laid...

We talk more, and she relies on me more. There's only one thing left to regain.. and that's affection in our marriage. We still don't kiss, say we love each other, hug, or cuddle or anything. She blames it on being together for 13 years, and being busy with school. She says she doesn't have time. IMO there's always time. We haven't had sex since the trip back in Feb. so its been a month since I last had sex, and it was longer than that before. And, we don't do anything special.. its just straight up right to the point.

Anyway, I feel like I am getting closer to her, but I need to figure out how to approach this to increase our affection and sex life. She's still attractive to me at 30, and I'm 31. I just started eating healthy and working out a month ago in an effort to improve my appearance. How do I get the affection back? Even stuff as small as a peck on the lips before work, or a hug, or cuddling on the couch for a movie? I'm afraid to try things because I don't know how she will react, its been so long I don't know how anymore. Our relationship is 1000 times better than it was this time last year.. but we still need more work. Any advice? We rarely fight, we talk a good bit, and I help her with school.. I don't get it.


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## Terry_CO (Oct 23, 2012)

Good for you both for trying to fix it. It is always a two-participant relationship - one or the other can't fix it alone.

It sounds like you two still have lots of work, but you are making progress. As long as you both are honest with each other, don't give up! :smthumbup:

_(My first marriage failed because she refused to work at keeping it healthy, despite my willingness. It, too, had become affection-less, and ended up dying on the vine)_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Please tell me that the two of you are in counseling!

I find it a bit troublesome that while she had time to "go to the bars, where she met guys. One of which she started an emotional relationship with, that eventually became "sort" of physical (they kissed)" she doesn't have time to be affectionate with you because "She blames it on being together for 13 years, and being busy with school. She says she doesn't have time."

Sorry but this just doesn't wash. She doesn't sound remorseful to me. Has she been transparent with you?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

randomguy1 said:


> I'm afraid to try things because I don't know how she will react, its been so long I don't know how anymore.


Maybe she's somewhere on TAM writing...

"My husband just doesn't try things anymore..."

You can sit on the sidelines and when the lack of sex blows up you will hear "well, you never approached me for sex anymore!"

Don't be afraid to approach her. Initiate and make her say no. When you are sure that all of her needs are being met then you can address the fact that she is not meeting your needs, despite your trying to initiate.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

randomguy1 said:


> How do I get the affection back? Even stuff as small as a peck on the lips before work, or a hug, or cuddling on the couch for a movie? I'm afraid to try things because I don't know how she will react, its been so long I don't know how anymore.


Start giving in order to receive. She is your wife, things are improving, so what are you afraid of?

Offer her a hug before heading out for the day. And another one upon returning home. Catch her eyes and maintain eye contact. Pull her close for a hug. Smile. Be open to her and she will (hopefully) open up to you as well along these lines.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

randomguy1 said:


> I posted here a long time ago, over a year ago about something I was going through with my wife...
> 
> summarize..
> 
> ...


Here is my almost stock answer...It is my almost stock answer because it saved my marriage....

Last November our relationship was in a bad place. My wife and I decided divorce was not the answer, so we bought the book.

The 5 Love Languages". It has improved our relationship tremendously....

It is a set of tools that allow a couple to fulfill each others emotional needs.....It can be read in a weekend, and in my case showed results within the first month...

All it takes is BOTH partners wanting it to work....I was a total skeptic...I fully intended to skim through it in a couple of hours and $hit can it...It changed me much for the better....

This afternoon My wife lay down beside me, and said she wasn't interested in anything except watching TV....

She was wearing some really nice perfume, jeans and a silky feeling top.....and did I mention she smelled really nice.....

I told her how good she smelled, and how beautiful I thought she was, and kissed her several times with real affection. I gave her a little backrub....

Can you see where this is leading....

We had the best sex!!!!!. 

It was fantastic. I can remember makin love to her when I was 19, and the sex today was just as wonderful, and just as breathtaking as it was back then....And I told her so..And it is what you would no doubt call VANILLA.... The sexual dynamite you need to put the kick back into your love life is right between your ears.....

good luck
the woodchuck


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