# Need Advice Please: Should I Break NC and Email an Explanation and Apology?



## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

For my contribution in the break up of our marriage?

I don't know what to do. All I know is this marriage plays in my head like a self winding tape, day in and day out. I need closure and the only thing I can think of getting that is writing my view and admitting my contribution, and apologizing in the problems. He resorted to an EA that went PA. I divorced him 4 months later.

Any advice before I take the plunge?


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Sparkles please don't take this the wrong way but what I see as a common thread in your posts is you are having a very, very difficult time moving forward. All us divorced folks have doubts and maybe even a few regrets caused by the "I should have" "I could have" mind games we play with ourselves. If you keep putting your foot in the puddle of your past your shoe will never dry enough to allow you to walk on the new carpet that that leads to your future.

I think the divorce was a forward step, the NC was a forward step, I think when you deleted him as a FB friend that was a forward step, I think writing him a letter and NOT SENDING IT may be therapeutic in a way and a baby step forward. I think sending him a letter is a step backwards, all it will do is open up drama and discussion between you two and that is not what you need at this time, you need closure. JMO


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

cooper:

Thank you for your common sense. I wrote the letter and will not send it.

Yes, my shoes are wet still. This has been so difficult for me. I don't understand the deliberate cruelty that he played for so many months but I do want to move forward.

But there are good days and bad minutes (no longer days) and I am moving forward.

Thank you for your honesty.


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## solitudeseeker (May 1, 2011)

I think Cooper's advice is sound. I liked the wet shoe metaphor. My husband and I must continue contact because we have a child, but we do better when we keep our communication "strictly business". A couple of times I broke with this policy and attempted to communicate my feelings... each time to be rebuffed. Then I ended up feeling worse.

I know just what you mean about endlessly replaying the tape. Sometimes real closure may not be possible. I try to work instead on simply letting go, little by little. I'm not there yet - still plenty of wet shoes by my front door - but someday I hope to be walking in a new and beautiful place. I wish the same for you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sparkles, if you need to do it in order to get closure, I say go for it.

We only get one life so we might as well tell people how we feel/say what's on our mind.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Jellybeans said:


> Sparkles, if you need to do it in order to get closure, I say go for it.
> 
> We only get one life so we might as well tell people how we feel/say what's on our mind.


If you really are doing this to admit your own issues - and NOT to just try and get an apology in return (?) - then I would say it doesn't really matter if you send it or not.

I know a lot of people would send a letter like that - hoping to get one in return. And most of those people would be very disappointed...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ Good point. But it does sound like that is why she is doing it. Hence, the closure.

Me personally, I am embarassed to admit how many letters/emails/texts I wrote. But I am glad I did it. I needed to. 

Sparkles. I say you should do it.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

I wouldn't send it. In fact, now that you've written it, I'd tear it up. What would it prove? He had an affair on you and was unfaithful in the marriage. Unless you did the same there is NO excuse for that. Is HE sending a letter to YOU explaining and apologizing for his actions? :scratchhead:

I'm with Cooper. It's like stepping in that same puddle and then wondering why you have a wet shoe and athlete's foot. 

With every relationship there isn't a perfect person involved. We all make mistakes that contribute to the demise of the relationship. The trick is to accept it and move on. Writing a letter is like picking an old scab. It's done, it's over, why rehash it over and over? 

The only way to truly heal is divorce yourself emotionally as well as physically and legally. Until you've done that you are just reopening old wounds and making it worse.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

I have decided not to send the blasted letter. It would not bring me the closure I seek what it did do was allow me to see it in black and white.
Ex is angry now. He would not answer the one text (since August) that I sent. I requested a cookbook (all my recipes of 30 years) but he never answered. Someone told me "Hurt People Hurt People. What is he hurt about?
Truly, the important thing for me is to continue what I have been doing, taking one step forward, no matter how small, and accepting what is.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh I would be pissed about the cookbook. 30 years is a long time Sparkles. I would get the cookbook back!


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

Jelly: How? Without causing a scene? I don't want to do that. I am going to have to let it go for now. Perhaps, he will see reason one day and contact me that I may pick it up.

Oh man, there are recipes from my mother in there. It's a bummer. All my Thanksgiving dishes.

Plus, I am getting upset all over again. I have to let this go. For my peace of mind.


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