# Frustrated in Arkansas



## tbear (Oct 6, 2015)

My wife and I have been married for 15 years. I am 50 years old and my wife is 47. She is gong through the beginning stages of menopause and I understand all of that and how it works, but anymore I have to literally get an act of congress for her to have sex with me and when she does she makes it as unpleasant of an experience as possible. I have told her that there are things out there to help her with her sex drive and she should even talk to her doctor about it, but she isn't willing to do so. She always seems to be happiest when she is at work and not with me. It has gotten to the point where I am suspicious of her possibly seeing a man at work. I have asked her pint plank, but I never get an affirmative answer other than "when she would have the time" and as I have pointed out to her, she lives 10 minutes from work and she leaves an hour early so go figure. She has told me numerous times that she no longer wants to have sex, but I tell her that she isn't being fair to me, because I am the other half of the relationship. What can I do?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

hmm ,start snooping maybe shes having sex with someone else.

got some red flag there.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

tbear,

Do not voice your suspicions to your W doing so will force her to go deeper underground. 

You need to quietly snoop, check the cell phone bill for starters and look on her phone, there is usually one number she calls frequently or texts. It may be listed under a female name, but when you call a male will answer.

Has she shown classic affair signs, dressing better, losing weight, saying "I love you but am not in love with you" etc

Tamat


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You can tell her that it's not okay for her to make unilateral decisions regarding "the marriage" without giving you a chance for discussion. You can tell her you're not ready to be celibate for the rest of your life and ask how she feels about you taking a mistress. You can tell her of your plans to adjust the household budget to pay for massages with happy endings. You could make an ultimatum.

Every woman is different but peri menopause can be really just absolutely horrible or it can pass like noting ever happened. Your wife is foolish not to seek out her GYN because some HRT can bring back a sex drive. The big question is, why doesn't she want a sex drive?

You're going to have to talk a bit more about what your sex life was like prior to her reaching this stage, and also what your relationship has been like. So often men don't notice the relationship is not working well until the sex dries up. So put on your thinking cap and try to figure out what is it about the marriage that isn't working for her.

Lastly, it is VERY common for women to start spending more effort on their appearance once they hit perimenopause.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Oh my gosh! My wife doesn't want to have sex with me, she must be getting it from someone else then.

Would you guys knock it off. There aren't any red flags here!


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi Anon,

Help me out please

I know I am pararnoind, but am i pararnoind enough?????


Sorry 3/4 irish


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I don't see any reason to suspect cheating - but it is a big problem that needs to be addressed.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Well the thing is that IF his W is cheating no amount of counseling or changing himself will sway her when she is in love with someone else. 

That his W is most happy when at work is a big red flag.

And a dead sex life is a very common sign she is getting from someone else or is in love with someone else in the case of an EA.

Tamat


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

TAMAT said:


> Well the thing is that IF his W is cheating no amount of counseling or changing himself will sway her when she is in love with someone else.
> 
> That his W is most happy when at work is a big red flag.
> 
> ...




Did you know that if a woman has long hair she is more likely to cheat? It's true! Since most women who cheat have long hair it must mean that long hair is a sign that she is cheating, right?

Considering her age and the fact that she is in perimenopause ..go with horses instead of zebras. 

She gets more reward from work. 

Their relationship is disconnected. Lack of sex is only a symptom not the problem.

Wife makes sex an unpleasant experience and rarely consents to sex?
1. Stop having sex with a woman if she clearly is NOT engaged. Really, men need to understand that when they continue to have sex with a woman who is clearly not engaged, it is living proof to her that he doesn't give a damn about her and just wants a warm hole to sink into. Stop, roll away, and ask her to help put the marriage back together again.

2. Stop begging for sex you're only shooting yourself in the foot. Sex becomes a test of wills, the bed a battle ground. Your goal is to get her aroused before you even lay a hand on her in bed. You should start turning her on as soon as you wake up. If you wait until you're in bed to try to turn her on you've not done your job. See Responsive Desire.

3. Sex is not the problem, it is a symptom of the problem. The problem is the relationship. The problem is lack of arousal. The problem is lack of love. Fix that first.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Tell her that unless the marriage becomes sexually fulfilling, you will be filing for divorce.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

tbear said:


> My wife and I have been married for 15 years. I am 50 years old and my wife is 47. She is gong through the beginning stages of menopause and I understand all of that and how it works, but anymore I have to literally get an act of congress for her to have sex with me and when she does she makes it as unpleasant of an experience as possible. I have told her that there are things out there to help her with her sex drive and she should even talk to her doctor about it, but she isn't willing to do so. She always seems to be happiest when she is at work and not with me. It has gotten to the point where I am suspicious of her possibly seeing a man at work. I have asked her pint plank, but I never get an affirmative answer other than "when she would have the time" and as I have pointed out to her, she lives 10 minutes from work and she leaves an hour early so go figure. She has told me numerous times that she no longer wants to have sex, but I tell her that she isn't being fair to me, because I am the other half of the relationship. What can I do?


As a fellow Arkansan, let me make a few suggestions...My wife reached the stage your wife is at well after menopause....Some issues were grief from loosing two sisters, depression, and a toxic girlfriend who would engage my wife in long phone conversations about her cheating husband, that would morph into a two sided conversation about "The pric-k I married"......

I guess the one thing that worked best was the book "The five love languages" Both partners must read it together, and it did help us....My wife got some treatment for depression, and I bought a massage table. It broke down some of the barriers to sex....Don't think this is easy. Check out my first posts in "sex in marriage"....One of the things that pi$$ed me off the worst, was her flimsy bull$hit excuses for not having sex, and I gave several examples...

The tragedy to the whole thing was as she was coming around, she had a health problem take her ability to orgasm almost totally away....She regrets the time we wasted not being intimate....


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> *Oh my gosh! My wife doesn't want to have sex with me, she must be getting it from someone else then.
> *
> Would you guys knock it off. There aren't any red flags here!


Probably the most common quote from males who find out they are the BS, and has a wife who dosn't want to cheat on her affair partner....


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Woodchuck said:


> Probably the most common quote from males who find out they are the BS, and has a wife who dosn't want to cheat on her affair partner....


Women with long hair cheat.


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## perol (Oct 6, 2015)

Her answer "when would I have the time" when asked about cheating is a huge red flag.

Never ask your partner if they're cheating, they almost never answer honestly.

Either way, you're not getting any, and it doesn't sound like you ever will other than occasional protest sex.

Can you live like that another 20-30 years?


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Sure, it could be cheating or interest in a male coworker. OR:

Maybe she gets more satisfaction and appreciation at work.
Maybe she dresses up more because she's more aware that beauty fades over time for many and is starting to feel old.
Maybe she's a little depressed about the aging process and work is a distraction.

Who knows? Without open dialog, you'll never know.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Women with long hair cheat.


And women with short hair, and probably women with NO hair....Men cheat too....Men with long hair, short hair, and no hair....


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## Melvynman (Mar 19, 2014)

She slowly became sexually dysfunctional over time. Intercourse became painful and she doesn't get wet. Sex is no longer fun for her. 

She isn't cheating! Here is what happen. Our "Cultural Sexual Imprint" taught her to be faithful to you for life!...and so she is doing just that. However evolution designed her to be promiscuous to ensure survival of the species. She evolved to become the most complex sexual animal on the planet. To be faithful she taught herself to turn off her sexuality resulting in sexual dysfunction. The medical community has "ALWAYS" gotten women sexuality wrong. Just look up "hysteria." With 43% percent of women being sexually dysfunctional there is lots of money to be made selling creams, drugs, counseling and therapies. Million of married men all experiencing the same problem you have. She had to work hard to convince herself your the man of her dreams, only problem to do so she had to turn off her sexuality! 

On earth women are sexual kings!...we put them in cage to ensure paternity for us... and they slowly lose the ability to play sexually! 

Good Luck!!!


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