# Does foreplay cause you to lose your erection?



## Jeapordy

I have found as I have gotten older that the more foreplay we have, the worse my erection is. My wife really likes me to perform oral or perform heavy petting on her, and then have sex. My problem is that I get erect during foreplay, but 10-15 later when its time for intercourse, I'm headed down. It's like I have about 15 minutes in me, and after that I lose it.
I can get erect again if she gives me oral, or talks dirty to me, or does other stuff that we don't normally do, but straight sex usually doesn't get me up again. 
Is this a low-T issue, or is this normal for men when get into their mid 40s?


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## larry.gray

It's fairly normal for me too (I'm 41). Wifey has been great though and gets it good and stiff again in a matter of minutes.


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## F-102

Me too, and I'm the same age as larry gray. But, I can "crank start" myself again.


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## Cosmos

After 40 a lot of men need extra 'help.' Just as a woman needs foreplay to arouse her, a man in this age bracket and over need some (extra) attention, too. Open communication with your W is key, OP.


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## Caribbean Man

Jeapordy said:


> I have found as I have gotten older that the more foreplay we have, the worse my erection is. My wife really likes me to perform oral or perform heavy petting on her, and then have sex. My problem is that I get erect during foreplay, but 10-15 later when its time for intercourse, I'm headed down. It's like I have about 15 minutes in me, and after that I lose it.
> *I can get erect again if she gives me oral, or talks dirty to me, or does other stuff that we don't normally do, but straight sex usually doesn't get me up again. *
> Is this a low-T issue, or is this normal for men when get into their mid 40s?


^^^^^^^^
This here is the key to getting it up again.
I used to have the same issue,I am 42.
But what works for me is if during foreplay she reciprocates.
She knows what gets me hard and keeps me hard.


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## ScarletBegonias

my exso used to go soft all the time. it's so hard to not take it personal. 

dirty talk used to get him going again.


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## karma*girl

...YES! Very difficult to not take it personal!!
I always tell him that he's not off the hook & that I want to do this or that to him regardless...& I proceed because I always want him
That usually works I try to never show that I am even a little upset or disappointed- that would cause a long-term mess, where we both would suffer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScarletBegonias

karma*girl said:


> I try to never show that I am even a little upset or disappointed- that would cause a long-term mess, where we both would suffer.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


i learned that the hard way...no pun intended lol


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## karma*girl

Ahhh, haha It is a fine line & there have been a few times where I want to say, is it me?? Wth is wrong!?
He even asked me last time it happened- "why do you think that happens?"
I told him it's because he thinks too much..my best, educated guess! 
...Hoping it doesn't actually happen because he's not enjoying it or seeing me as hot, etc...
(thankfully, it doesn't occur too often
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CharlieParker

karma*girl said:


> I told him it's because he thinks too much..


You know he had to think about that. 

But that can be me. The mind is a terrible thing in the bedroom.


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## ocotillo

karma*girl said:


> I told him it's because he thinks too much..my best, educated guess!


In a way, you absolutely hit that nail on the head. 

Anything that requires mental concentration of any kind is going to hurt an erection. Erections are controlled by the autonomic nervous system, just like goose bumps.

Most men, for example can remember back when they were teenagers and got erections at inappropriate times. Furiously concentrating on something else, like a math problem was the standard way to make it go away.

Similarly, there's nothing unusual about a man at any age loosing all or part of an erection if he has to concentrate on something else, but it does get worse with age.

It sounds like the OP understands how to fix the problem and just needs to communicate.


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## COguy

karma*girl said:


> I try to never show that I am even a little upset or disappointed- that would cause a long-term mess, where we both would suffer.


Yeah wow. My stbxw was horrible at that. She hated foreplay anyway, so we would kiss for like 10 seconds, and if I wasn't hard she would say something like, "OMG what's wrong? Why aren't you hard yet?"

That'll get you in the mood.........


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## Dad&Hubby

Okay men are very much like a lawnmower (hopefully the women will get this reference). 

You buy them new and they start right up and run strong. The problem is they don't know the yard at all and run out of gas WAY TOO QUICKLY.

As they get older, they take a little bit more work to get running, you want to choke them sometimes, but once running they run hard like when they were new (young) and know the yard pretty well. This is the sweet spot of stages.

As they get even older, they sputter, as in they run hard for a while, then their revs go down, then back up, then down, sometimes stalling requiring you to do all the start up procedures again. The bad part is the inconsistency which if you work with you get the benefit that they don't run out of gas as quickly , but unfortunately as you have them longer, you want to choke them all the time. But they can still "mow the lawn" really well, and they really know the layout of the yard at this stage so in that way they're a lot less maintenance and if you can look past the inconsistent engine, they're actually the best performing overall at this stage.

Finally near the end of their lives, they don't turn over, choking them doesn't even work, they can't mow any longer, but you've had them for so long that you're really attached to them. To mow the lawn you have to use the lawnmower attachments.

Seriously though ladies, if your man has aged you can't take him LOSING an erection personally. If you think it bothers YOU?!?! It bothers him 100 times as badly. He knows he's not a spring chicken any longer and he's "lost a step" and now there's nothing he'd rather do than to please you and he can't to the level he wants (and that he used to be able to if he still had his body of youth). If he got hard in the first place, take that as your sign of how he feels about you. Him losing an erection is 100% physical as men get older and there's NOTHING he or you can do about it (unless he's medicating with little blue pills).


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## 40isthenew20

That has happened to me and it sucks. More so when there are other factors, such as a bad day at work, etc. But it also has happened for no apparent reason. 

Sometimes I've gone limp during intercourse when I try to hold out longer so my wife can have another orgasm.


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## karma*girl

That was a great analogy 

My guy is only 35 though...still, I understand. I don't work at 100% all the time either- such is life! 
The best thing I feel I can do is show him how little it affects me, even if that isn't totally true
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## karma*girl

40isthenew...do you lose it because you get bored?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caribbean Man

When everythings else fails......
Try Cialis.


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## Dad&Hubby

Karma, depending on the guy 35 could be running substantially lower than at 18. 

I'm 40. I'll give you my "history". 

When I was 17-18, I would be rock hard for 2 hours (wearing a condom) and 30 minutes without. (Was never a quick draw mcgraw). My erections are VERY emotionally established. That was with my first partner, you know the one you think is the love of your life etc...LOL. I tried to do a couple ONS in my early 20's and couldn't even keep an erection (no emotional connection). So that taught me I'm not going to be a "player". 

Then I married my exwife at 26. I don't think I was ever "fully hard" after the first year. My body "worked" but we had such a bad relationship, my body didn't react to her.

I was in a relationship after my divorce and had a stronger connection but not 100%. Thought I was at the stage of needing medical help in order to have full strong hard ons. Never got tested etc for test but still. (Also I've put on about 50lbs since my 18 year old days)

Then I met my current wife. AMAZING CONNECTION and also AMAZING hard ons. Not that they STAY hard. I overheat easily, I sometimes just "run out of gas" if I'm pounding hard for 5-10 minutes straight. Many times I'll make her orgasm before sex (she doesn't O from penetration and isn't a multi so this works really well). We'll start playing, I'll be hard, halfway to her orgasm, I'll be soft, when she orgasms, I usually get hard. We start sex and depending on how long I'm going to last or how hot it is (thats my BIG issue is my internal body temperature) I might go soft. Many times, I don't go fully flacid so I just keep thrusting and change it up a little and I get hard again. Sometimes it means stopping and holding and rubbing. Morning sex is also more inconsistent for me.

Just this past weekend, we had shower sex and our son who should've been content with what he was doing LOL, decided he wanted to keep telling us about scorpions and insects so he kept interupting. So we just enjoyed the time we did do it, and finished at night. My wife loves how much and how far I can "shoot" so lets just say that night she got a show LOL. 

One of the keys is to not create a false "perfect" perception of how sex is supposed to flow, but find how it works for both of you and set your expectations and enjoyments with that.


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## karma*girl

That is so interesting..I love that you need the emotional connection in order for your body to respond well- makes perfect sense.
Also, I agree with going with the flow..it seems the more relaxed about everything in our sex life together, the better it is..expectations put out too much pressure & ultimately wind up keeping us from really enjoying ourselves
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bubbly girl

Sometimes it can be the big head keeping the little head down.

Stress does a number on people and it certainly can have an effect on erections. My husband went to the doctors years ago (probably around mid 30's) because he would have trouble getting or keeping an erection a little too often. He had his testosterone levels checked and they were in the 800's so it wasn't that. The doctor said it was due to stress. Once a guy has trouble getting it up, it stresses him out everytime he tries and the problem just keeps going. I was like many women and worried it was because he wasn't attracted to me. Of course that made it even worse.

My husband is 43 now and once in a while if he's really tired or something it may not want to cooperate. He tries not to let it get to him, and I no longer worry it's because of me. He'll just kind of laugh about it and say I guess he's too tired & doesn't want to play.


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## Dad&Hubby

karma*girl said:


> That is so interesting..I love that you need the emotional connection in order for your body to respond well- makes perfect sense.
> Also, I agree with going with the flow..it seems the more relaxed about everything in our sex life together, the better it is..expectations put out too much pressure & ultimately wind up keeping us from really enjoying ourselves
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Exactly. The amazing thing that I found with my wife is that when we stopped trying to get to a certain preconceived outcome, two things happened. 1. The outcome we were striving for usually happens MORE so and 2. If it doesn't, we roll with it and actually have incorporated that into more fun. The shower sex thing was a perfect example. Instead of having 10 minutes of shower sex with an orgasm. We had 8 minutes of shower sex with no orgasm, thinking about each other all day in very naughty ways (like me pulling out a mini skirt I love her in while I redid her closet shelving LOL while she took our son to a fair with her aunt) and then got to have sex again at night which was awesome again!! (PS with NO issues and a bigger release than normal at the end too). So it turned into a two for the price of one day! :smthumbup:

All because we didn't stress about it and we rolled with it.


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