# Help and advice. Running out of options



## DWK (Nov 18, 2012)

After just over 2 years do marriage my wife can't even stand to be around me. My wife and I have been through a lot together. We both live far from family and do not have a lot of friends. About 4 months ago my wife stated she is done. Claiming me to be clueless and not to give a **** about her. Everything I do, everything is criticized, any task I do takes the same amount of time that she does it except for some reason she finds it to be very annoying as if I can't do anything correctly. I go through every day treated like an idiot and an *******. Most days without doing anything wrong at all. I have been to counseling with her and she REFUSES to listen to anything the counselor says. It was determined by our counselor that my wife's horrible past has a lot to play with our relationship. But still she claims her history of abuse and emotional neglect has nothing to do with it. 
I have made changes in my life to make her happier. She complained Bout video games. So I don't play anymore. Cleaning so I help clean a lot (which as hard as I work is never good enough). I try being closer to her physically and emotionally. But even still. She refuses. She states I have put no, zero effort into fixing anything. When I tell her she needs to play a part in mending our relationship as well she states I don't deserve it and I need to show her I can make an effort before she will. She literally states she would rather be a ***** to me everyday then to be nice. Because I show no effort. I have tried reading a book. When I bring up "hey this is a lot like us". She still says no and blames everything on me. 
I want nothing more then us to be together. We have a 9 month old son together. Se honesty verbally abuses me just to get even for things that I don't have any true unstanding of. She blames me for her whole life. Says I've ruined her life and my sons by not working on our marriage. I'm so confused because shouldn't it take two to work on something. Because I'm trying and she is blocking any attempt and refusing.

what do I do with a wife who blames me for everything. Looks at me with disgust. Tells me I don't care about her or love her when I really do. I don't want to lose my family. How do I get her to want to work on it as well


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Gotta ask, any sign of another man aka "just a friend" in the picture?


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## Serenity_Prayer (Oct 31, 2012)

Sounds to me like she needs to go to counseling on her own to deal with her low self-esteem, self-hatred, and anger. She needs to realize how her past affects her current behavior and relationship, which it surely does. You can't keep bending over backwards trying to prove you love and care for her, because she doesn't seem able to accept it, not to mention what it does to you. She needs to accept responsibility for her own life and happiness. Good luck and take care.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

DWK said:


> After just over 2 years do marriage my wife can't even stand to be around me. My wife and I have been through a lot together. We both live far from family and do not have a lot of friends. About 4 months ago my wife stated she is done. Claiming me to be clueless and not to give a **** about her. Everything I do, everything is criticized, any task I do takes the same amount of time that she does it except for some reason she finds it to be very annoying as if I can't do anything correctly. I go through every day treated like an idiot and an *******. Most days without doing anything wrong at all. I have been to counseling with her and she REFUSES to listen to anything the counselor says. It was determined by our counselor that my wife's horrible past has a lot to play with our relationship. But still she claims her history of abuse and emotional neglect has nothing to do with it.
> I have made changes in my life to make her happier. She complained Bout video games. So I don't play anymore. Cleaning so I help clean a lot (which as hard as I work is never good enough). I try being closer to her physically and emotionally. But even still. She refuses. She states I have put no, zero effort into fixing anything. When I tell her she needs to play a part in mending our relationship as well she states I don't deserve it and I need to show her I can make an effort before she will. She literally states she would rather be a ***** to me everyday then to be nice. Because I show no effort. I have tried reading a book. When I bring up "hey this is a lot like us". She still says no and blames everything on me.
> I want nothing more then us to be together. We have a 9 month old son together. Se honesty verbally abuses me just to get even for things that I don't have any true unstanding of. She blames me for her whole life. Says I've ruined her life and my sons by not working on our marriage. I'm so confused because shouldn't it take two to work on something. Because I'm trying and she is blocking any attempt and refusing.
> 
> what do I do with a wife who blames me for everything. Looks at me with disgust. Tells me I don't care about her or love her when I really do. I don't want to lose my family. How do I get her to want to work on it as well


What was her childhood like?


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## DWK (Nov 18, 2012)

She was a victim of childhood sex assault. She also had her biological father leave her when she was a child and a mother who treated her horribly as if she wasn't good enough. 

I'm not perfect. She went through a tough pregnancy with our son and I could have been there more emotionally. But at some point she chose not to be loving and caring for me. Blaming me for everything saying I abandoned her which is not true. 

She literally wants me to say " I don't give a crap about you" I'm not even joking she really wants that. It's so far from true. I love her so much. She is so full of hate and anger. She believes she has nothing to do with how our marriage is. It's all on me. And all on me to fix it which she claims I refuse to do. 


One day she went off on me after watching a love movie saying she wants that and won't with us. 


There is this fairy tale in her head that is unrealistic I believe. And honestly if we do separate and she find someone else. This will all happen again I believe. 2 other relationships she has been in she went to counseling. I mean really. 2 others. I think that says something about you.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

DWK said:


> She was a victim of childhood sex assault. She also had her biological father leave her when she was a child and a mother who treated her horribly as if she wasn't good enough.
> 
> I'm not perfect. She went through a tough pregnancy with our son and I could have been there more emotionally. But at some point she chose not to be loving and caring for me. Blaming me for everything saying I abandoned her which is not true.
> 
> ...


And there we have it!

You've been doing everything you can to keep her happy in your marriage, but she can't even make herself happy. And her low self esteem combined with her desire to keep that picture perfect fairy tale image of herself in her head will make sure that she punishes you for everything you do just so she doesn't have to take responsibility for wanting this divorce.

Read that again..... She is going to get you to jump through hoops and then find something else to complain about. She'll most certainly paint herself as the victim and make everything sound like YOU ruined the marriage. But it's not you that "made her change" or "made her unhappy/depressed/angry etc". She's been harboring these feelings ever since she was a child and keeps replaying these events throughout her life.

From the sounds of it I'd say she might have Borderline Personality Disorder or BPD, look it up. If she was really sweet at first and did every little thing to make YOU happy and toldyou how wonderful you were....... and now you're the devil and nothing you could ever do is right. Might not be too far from BPD. It's hard to understand but the major black and white thinking, along with the childhood issues.... big re flag for something.

If you want a major tip to help you out. Do not defend your wife when she's cruel to you and get away from here whenever she gets too bad. Believe me you DO NOT want to let her push you into a fight where she can have you thrown out of your house and file a restraining order because she's "afraid of you". And you also need to DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT...... You need this evidence to shake you out of believing her false reconciliation ploys after you've pulled away for long enough. Your wife may turn around, but she's not going to get help on her own, and she may even cause you to feel crazy at times.... As the saying goes if you think you're crazy, it's not YOU that's crazy.

And as for the 180 advice, a lot of comes into play here but you're going to have a very hard time with this one if your wife was like mine and could turn on the charms one day only to tell you how worthless you are the next. Reconciliation may be on your mind now, but trust me brother you need to stop worrying about her and only focus on the two most important people in this world..... your child and you. She will be the same in this relationship as she will the next one and the next one after that, but you're always going to be changing for the better.


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