# Courage to leave... Im too weak



## KateUnhappyWife (12 mo ago)

Im 32 and been with my husband since we were 20 (married in 2018). 
Ive been unhappy through a lot of our relationship and even broke up with him when we were 23 but my mum talked me into getting back with him and told me that life isnt about being happy (shes in a very unhappy marriage).
I care about my husband a lot but I want to leave. Hes a lovely person and I have not reason to dislike him, but he makes me feel neglected, unloved, ugly and taken for granted.
Theres no affection, he doesnt want to have sex with me but secretly watches porn. He wont have conversation with me, and just wants to play playstation or stare at his phone texting his mates.
I feel like ive grown into a woman and he's still a child. I want more in life but he just wants to lay on the sofa eating and doing nothing. Im bored and very lonely. 
But I'm too weak to leave. My whole family love him, my business is a salon at my house so I'll be losing my business too. 
I have no one to talk too and feel so embarrassed that my husband doesn't even fancy me. How can i expect anyone else to? Whats the point of life if im going to spend the rest of it so sad and lonely?
Please help me find the courage to leave. Thank you x


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Kate there is someone for you out there. I know how bad it sucks to be in a low sex marriage and it’s not worth accepting for one minute more. You have value as a person and as a sexual being and there are people out there who will think your husband was stupid to squander what he had.


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## KateUnhappyWife (12 mo ago)

ccpowerslave said:


> Kate there is someone for you out there. I know how bad it sucks to be in a low sex marriage and it’s not worth accepting for one minute more. You have value as a person and as a sexual being and there are people out there who will think your husband was stupid to squander what he had.


Thank you x my self esteem is rock bottom. I hate myself so much i feel worthless.
He knows this as ive told him so many times but nothing changes. 
It feels like my soul has died. X


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

KateUnhappyWife said:


> Im 32 and been with my husband since we were 20 (married in 2018).
> Ive been unhappy through a lot of our relationship and even broke up with him when we were 23 but my mum talked me into getting back with him and told me that life isnt about being happy (shes in a very unhappy marriage).
> I care about my husband a lot but I want to leave. Hes a lovely person and I have not reason to dislike him, but he makes me feel neglected, unloved, ugly and taken for granted.
> Theres no affection, he doesnt want to have sex with me but secretly watches porn. He wont have conversation with me, and just wants to play playstation or stare at his phone texting his mates.
> ...


He certainly sounds like he never has matured. I hope you haven't had children with him because when you divorce you will need to give him 50/50 custody which might make him grow up some because he would have to learn to play real life but more importantly it would allow you to be able to work and have some time and it's just the fair thing to do to give your own self a chance to succeed on your own.

It worries me that you're still worried about what your mother would have to say about this. Once you become an adult you make your own decisions and you don't let your parents tell you what to do anymore. So that sounds like an area where you need to also mature some.

Listen this isn't your mother's life. This is your life and she doesn't get to use it up for you the way she wants to. She had her own life to do as she chose, and she chose to be unhappy. She does not get to make that choice for you and you need to get that straight in your head. If she has anything to say about it you just tell her what I just told you.. You tell her, Mom, this is my life and you have your own. If she thinks being married to a overgrown child sounds so great she can go do that herself.

What you need to do is get yourself an attorney and then you'll probably have to pay for the attorney out of any assets that you may have jointly. It is expensive. If you going to get him to agree to divorce and sign the papers it will be cheaper than if you have to drag him to have information that to get it done. You are each entitled to half of any assets you have had from the marriage forward and in some states each of you may be entitled to whatever it was you brought that was your own into the marriage.

This is just one of the many threads we have seen on here where pornography has ruined someone's sex life in marriage. It's very destructive if a person becomes focused on it like an addict and more and more of them are. The constant video gaming takes them out of reality as well. You need someone who's not living in the virtual world but is interested in real life with real people.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

KateUnhappyWife said:


> Thank you x my self esteem is rock bottom. I hate myself so much i feel worthless.
> He knows this as ive told him so many times but nothing changes.
> It feels like my soul has died. X


My advice to you is to do something that makes you feel strong.

Consider maybe working out or going to the gym. If you don’t have one around maybe try online classes or something similar. It’s hard but if you stick to it you will feel the changes in yourself. If you’re already going to the gym then find some folks who are working out really hard and try and join them. Even if you’re sucking wind and dragging you will get stronger and your self esteem will improve.

It’s a sad state when a man prefers PlayStation to his wife. He should be ashamed of himself.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

I’m sorry. There’s nothing wrong with you except that your hubby bought into the porn lie. His behavior is adulterous- plain and simple and may be grounds for an annulment.


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## Indian_Nerd_Dad (Dec 23, 2021)

KateUnhappyWife said:


> Im 32 and been with my husband since we were 20 (married in 2018).
> Ive been unhappy through a lot of our relationship and even broke up with him when we were 23 but my mum talked me into getting back with him and told me that life isnt about being happy (shes in a very unhappy marriage).
> I care about my husband a lot but I want to leave. Hes a lovely person and I have not reason to dislike him, but he makes me feel neglected, unloved, ugly and taken for granted.
> Theres no affection, he doesnt want to have sex with me but secretly watches porn. He wont have conversation with me, and just wants to play playstation or stare at his phone texting his mates.
> ...


First, I agree with others that -- there is no point in being in an unhappy relationship -- either you fix it (if you feel it is worth the effort) or move out it. 

From your description, it appears like your husband is a reasonable person. So why would he (a good/reasonable person) be ignoring and not having sex with you and watching porn secretly to masturbate to it? The reason I am mentioning/asking this is because, as a man who felt neglected and hurt by his family, I did the same things (instead of talking about it and resolving issues) which lead to a negative spiral (death by a 1000 cuts) and now my wife is leaving me. I wish my wife had given me a more clear-and-present-danger communication until I actually got it, rather than just pulling the plug and stating she gave me several "hints" -- sometimes we are so hurt inside that we don't get hints, particularly from the person who we love but is treating us wrong (people we love can cause most pain) -- the mindset is "you the wife are ill-treating me and then telling me I am the bad guy? Why don't you understand me if you really love me?" 

So maybe you need to talk about things with a good marriage counselor to figure out what the root cause or issue is -- assuming you still value this relationship. It is better to do this intervention sooner than later before resentment sets in for both of you (which is what happened in my case, -- we did not act soon enough). No, talking to each other will not work at this time because it will be "he-said, she-said" stuff. You need to get a neutral 3rd part like a good marriage counselor to help foster a constructive, loving conversation to get to the root cause. Of course, all of this only if you want to give this relationship its final jolt of life before pulling the plug. At least you will know that you gave it your "all" and maybe figure out what the root cause was so you can avoid the same issues in your next long-term relationship. Getting the two of you into counseling may be challenge (it was in my case) and you may need to reach out to family or good friends to help make this first but important step.


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## Indian_Nerd_Dad (Dec 23, 2021)

Indian_Nerd_Dad said:


> ... a negative spiral (death by a 1000 cuts)...


I missed mentioning this -- "death by a 1000 cuts" is another term for micro-aggressions. Many times we are not aware that we are doing this -- but we end up causing issues. You may not mean it in a negative way but may be received in a negative way causing problems to build up. The issue in general with micro-aggressions is that people don't speak up about it but it still impacts them. So it is best to talk about them and get to the bottom of them so that you avoid the mistakes, even if it is not for this relationship, maybe for your next one.


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

Talk to him, lay it all out like you did here. Seek therapy for both of you. He can also be tested for low testosterone. If nothing Works, leave him.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Just move on.


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