# Do I have to be close to my mother-in-law?



## ElizabethJ12345 (Apr 17, 2014)

For various reasons, I feel really uncomfortable around my mother-in-law. Some of them pertain to things she's said and done, and some of them pertain to my own issues. Since I want to maintain anonymity, suffice it to say we're both human, and neither of us are perfect.

I decided a while back that I'd rather spend time with her with my husband and his whole family, since this is more comfortable for me, but she's constantly trying to plan things for just the two of us.

Up until now, I've politely declined those invitations, but she seems to have a real strong need to form a close bond with me. I don't fault her for that, but I plain and simply don't want it--and the guilt has been killing me. 

Can anyone relate? Does anyone else feel more comfortable having a cordial but not mother-daughter or BFF relationship with their MIL? And how exactly can I do that, when she seems determined to spend a lot of time alone with me? I don't want to put my husband in the middle, which I've done far too often. But I really don't know how else to create the boundaries I want in this relationship. (I may soften those boundaries in time, but I don't feel comfortable right now.)

I appreciate any insight and advice!

UPDATE: I understand why she would want to be close to me, but I really feel uncomfortable around her, for various reasons that I did not include to protect both of our anonymity. While I appreciate the advice to give closeness a chance, I would also appreciate advice that addresses how to create the relationship I want (a cordial, but not super close one), as that's all I feel comfortable with at this point in time.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

You don't have to be close just because she is your MIL but equally you don't have to be distant because she is your MIL.

She is your husband parent, maybe put yourself in her shoes in the future, you might be a MIL someday, do you want to be ostracised?
You have already put your husband in the middle, why not be more personable with the MIL and avoid future drama. What is the big deal? It is not hard to have happy relationships with extended family, you don't have to be best mates but a good healthy relationship is good for everyone involved.


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## kitty2013 (Dec 6, 2013)

I love my MIL. She annoys me sometimes, but she is one of the most important person in my life. Love is a choice. I choose to love my MIL.

It is nice to have another person who loves you. Your mother in law wants to get closer to you because she loves her son unconditionally. She will love you because you make her son happy. She is not your enemy. Please give her a chance.


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## thejjones (Apr 9, 2014)

ElizabethJ12345 said:


> For various reasons, I feel really uncomfortable around my mother-in-law. Some of them pertain to things she's said and done, and some of them pertain to my own issues. Since I want to maintain anonymity, suffice it to say we're both human, and neither of us are perfect.
> 
> I decided a while back that I'd rather spend time with her with my husband and his whole family, since this is more comfortable for me, but she's constantly trying to plan things for just the two of us.
> 
> ...


I can totally relate. My H tried to get me to be close with his sister. I plain just don't like her. I prefer to see her as little as possible.

I'm not sure how she feels about me, but judging how she's treated me, I don't think she likes me very much either.

Then again, she has a habit of being nasty to a lot of people. My H says she doesn't mean to and it's just her personality but who knows?

I don't think pushing yourself to like someone or spend time with them is a good idea. Even if it's your mother in law. If she's not an idiot, she will know you are uncomfortable and that will make things worse.

But I think planning more activities with the whole family is a good idea. Then take it from there. Your mother in law seems to be making an effort, so it would be good if you responded to that in a positive way and at least met her half way. 

You never know, you might find that you have more in common than you think and in 5 years she might be someone you're close to.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

This is an answer based on you not giving the why.

What you are searching for is something you will never find. The dreaded "how can I avoid hurting her feelings but still get what I want"... You have to tell her some version of the truth. She will be hurt. It could damage the relationship. But you cannot have "arms lenght relationship" and "totally unperterbed MIL"... You have to risk ruffling a feather or two.

You should discuss with hour hub how exactly you tell your MIL....that does not cuase undue damage and harm.. But basically some form of "nothing personal, but in my world MIL's are not BFF's, so I can't do 1x1 activites with you."


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## damagedgoods1 (Nov 8, 2013)

This is really tough since you are not giving us the whole story.
Additionally, I personally appreciate anyone who makes an effort to be close to me and I try to reciprocate that effort (except for in the case of my ex-boyfriend).

I would love it if my MIL made any sort of effort toward me.

It sounds like you have a problem with your MIL, she is completely clueless as to this problem and she is putting forth effort to be a good MIL to you. You can't tell her the truth because she will get extremely offended and/or tell the rest of the family.

How well do you know your MIL? If you've never really spent time with her 1-1 (only in family gatherings), then how well do you really know her? Is there any possibility that you have misjudged her?

I personally feel I have made every effort with my MIL, but she is extremely cold to me. She told my husband that her problem with me is that I am a different race than her (them), and she would find a passage in the Bible that proves that interracial marriages are forbidden by God. It has been years, she has yet to find scripture in the Bible prohibiting interracial marriage. I say this to make a point that my MIL never gave me a shot to being with.

Your options are:
1) Tell your MIL the truth.
2) Give you MIL a shot. Go out with her with an open mind.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

It would be good to know her motivation for wanting to do things with you and be close. 

As I don't know what she did to upset you, it's difficult to say.

My MIL would have wanted to be close only to get more into our lives and be the center of attention, so that wouldn't have worked. We are perfectly cordial and see each other only a few times per year.

I would say to tread with caution and don't force yourself to do things you don't want to do! If it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It's simple. There are only so many hours in the day and you have responsibilities. Any time you spend alone with her, you can not spend on your husband/mother/friends the dog.

Let her know that you enjoy having her as a MIL and look forward to seeing her at family functions. Suggest she cultivate some friends her own age.

BTW, this seems rather pushy of her.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

No, you don't have to be close.

But honestly, is it really too much to meet her for an hour for coffee, say once every month or two?

Why not try to help an older lady be happy? She's probably lonely.

Of course, without knowing any details, that's the best advice I can give. Unless she is an axe murderer or something like that. Or has deliberately tried to undermine your relationship with your husband. In which case you simply call her out on what she has done and why you no longer want to spend time with her. Even "little old ladies" don't get a free pass on bad behavior.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Because I care for my wife, the things and people important to her have to be important to me or I have to convincingly pretend they are. I don't guess you just have to get along great with your MIL but life with your husband will have lots less drama if you can. Your MIL very likely has influence over your spouse. She raised him. If she likes you, your MIL will sing your praises to your spouse. If she doesn't like you, he's got to endure hearing from his own mother how evil, stupid, lazy, etc you are. I bend over backwards to get along great with my in-laws.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

OP, whenever ANYONE on this planet goes up and beyond and wants to get close to you.......you embrace it!!!

Be thankful such person exists!

Go against yourself here and step outside of your boundaries a bit. IMO that is good to do every now and then anyways.

Go out with her, who knows, you guys might form a lifetime bond that will become priceless.

And if things don't work out, what do you have to lose?

Your MIL will be your kids grandparent, and if you are looking to stay with your husband forever, she WILL be a VERY important person to you rather you like it or not.

Chances are, his mother is also looking for companionship and decided to choose you.

You should be thankful appreciative of that.....not hateful/bitter.

I also think there is a lot of pros with this (and cons as well). Focus on the positive. Look you will get to know a woman that raised your husband and get to know your husband a bit more in the process.

I'm also sure your husband will be VERY happy as well.

Just to give you example, my wife is NOT a big fan of my mom (just like you). But she has gone against herself and just does her best to be the best daughter in law she can be.

I cherish that and applaud her for doing it as it makes my mom's life happier/better.....and ANY son will want that.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Question.. Why does she want to spend so much time with you, what do you have in common? I am with the others, without knowing a little more of the story... how can we offer insight to what you should do...how you should handle... 

What about her bothers YOU? When we enjoy someone , we LIKE to spend time with them, we laugh, connect -it just flows... so I assume you do not enjoy her company.. 

I get along well with my MIL, no grievances, or awkwardness ...she loves me , knows I am a good wife to her son...I cook for all the Holidays at our house.. and am appreciated for this.. 

But outside of this we have very little in common...she does crafts, likes to shop at craft stores (for me that would = :sleeping::sleeping: ).... reads horror books.. not my thing.. .she is very close to one of her daughters..who also enjoys craft type things....so I have never felt she wanted to interject more on me that I would be comfortable with. 

We can't choose our relatives...or In Laws, but yet.. we could spare some of our time to keep the connection going... there is always a balance.. Don't swing all the way if it is too much but allow for some time, go out to meet her for lunch twice a month (for example)..... this would be my advice... going on as little as what has been said.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

You have left a ton out, so everyone is going to give you advice based on their personal history. You should give a truncated version of your problems or balance all the advice with a grain of salt. Sure, you can embrace it, but like with some of my familial situations, a few in-laws as well, I stay distant for good reasons.


Talking about the "whys" and problems is your best bet. Otherwise, if she is intelligent, you can make matters worse IMO.


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## ElizabethJ12345 (Apr 17, 2014)

Thank you for the advice, everyone. I realize it's hard to advise me, given all the details I've left out. I am just incredibly paranoid about her finding this and knowing I'm talking about her!

If there's anyone who would be open to me sending them a private message to share more specifics, I would very much appreciate it, as I could really use an objective outside opinion.


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## Truly Abby (Sep 16, 2013)

Elizabeth. Give the pertinent details & throw in a few lies that don't matter (we live in a dumpy townhouse outside of Boston, I grew up milking dairy cows in Kansas, even her name bothers me, it's Morticia). Even if she DID find this message board, and DID find your thread, she'd never figure it was HER.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You don't need to give details. You don't want a buddy relationship with your MIL and there is no law that says you have to be buddies.

It's ok! Feel free to tell her you would prefer a more traditional MIL/DIL relationship with her. Everyone is entitled to their personal boundaries and to spend their free time as they wish.


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## ElizabethJ12345 (Apr 17, 2014)

Thank you, Blondilocks. I think I was looking for someone to write exactly what you wrote. I feel guilty reading all these responses telling me to give her a chance, appreciate her love, etc when I feel so certain I don't want to be that close to her. And it's not for lack of time knowing her. I've known her for many years and have spent a lot of time around her; for various reasons, I don't enjoy her company and would prefer not to be put in awkward situations with forced intimacy. 

I want my in-law relationships to be like my husband's relationship with my parents--friendly when he sees them, but no expectations on him to be either of my parents' surrogate son, best friend, or confidant. 

I know that, to some degree, you marry the family, in that they are in your life forever. But I don't think it's fair to expect a daughter-in-law will be like a daughter, or that the DIL will love the MIL like a mother. If it happens, great, but I don't want to feel guilty about the fact that, right now, I don't feel that way.

I do regret putting my husband in the middle, which is why I'm trying to figure out a way to deal with this situation. And I suspect in the future I will need to spell it out, as you've suggested.

Thank you again!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You're welcome. Don't be afraid of putting your husband in the middle - his family is his responsibility.

I would address a situation like this with my husband and ask him if he wanted to handle it or if I should. He, invariably, chose to handle it as he knew I would not be as diplomatic as he.

You can always see how the relationship goes and change course IF you want to. Good luck!


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

I'm no help on MIL advice, my reality would definitely taint my view.

My MIL likes to live in a dream world where she looks like the perfect mom, MIL, grandma. She will do things to make herself LOOK like that mom, MIL, or grandma. She doesn't seek relationship she seeks appearances. When my kids hit about 12 they start avoiding her, preferring their other grandmas (great grams included). It is also about that age they start complaining about the way she treats people, little things she says.

I think feeling permission will allow you to still feel comfortable at family gatherings while avoiding her advances.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

ElizabethJ12345 said:


> Thank you, Blondilocks. I think I was looking for someone to write exactly what you wrote.


So you came her looking for advice that you wanted to hear.

Great, why even bother?

Stop being selfish and spoiled. You are now part of your husband family and need to start forming bonds with them.

Rather you like it or not, they are YOUR family now too.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

My MIL for my second marriage pushed relations like you have mentioned. I was cautious and I did not know why until I got to know the family better, then I limited all contact. MIL's intentions were good on her part but we saw life very differently. So I say, no, you do not have to be close and you do not have to feel bad about declining her invitations.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

AVR1962 said:


> My MIL for my second marriage pushed relations like you have mentioned. I was cautious and I did not know why until I got to know the family better, then I limited all contact. MIL's intentions were good on her part but we saw life very differently. So I say, no, you do not have to be close and you do not have to feel bad about declining her invitations.


That's a little different though. And your opinion is based on assumption that her MIL is like yours.

The difference is, you TRIED and actually made an effort to care and get to know your MIL.

OP, hasn't.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

DoF said:


> So you came her looking for advice that you wanted to hear.
> 
> Great, why even bother?
> 
> ...


Begging to differ, she does not need to form bonds with them. She needs to be respectful, civil and cordial. Good fences make for the very best neighbors/in-laws.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> Begging to differ, she does not need to form bonds with them. She needs to be respectful, civil and cordial. Good fences make for the very best neighbors/in-laws.


We will agree to disagree.

I try to approach the entire situation from a positive perspective. It feels like you are approaching it from a negative perspective and assume the worse.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The OP has known her MIL for a number of years and spent a lot of time around her. She doesn't feel that she wants a close relationship, at this time. The best one can hope for is a peaceful coexistence.

Positive/negative? Really? Oh, all right - they're all going to live happily ever-after and see unicorns farting rainbows. Are you happy, now?


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## damagedgoods1 (Nov 8, 2013)

DoF said:


> So you came her looking for advice that you wanted to hear.
> 
> Great, why even bother?
> 
> ...


:iagree:
ElizabethJ12345, you are coming off as selfish and spoiled, IMO.
You are asking for advice on how to be a cake eater.
i.e. "How do I get out of these annoying little invitations from my MIL and spend the least amount of time around her, without telling her the truth, that I just don't like her?"


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## Rosemary's Granddaughter (Aug 25, 2012)

No, you do not have to be close to your MIL. Continue to politely decline invitations, and she will likely back off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I can completely understand this. I made the mistake of thinking I had to develop a close 'mother-daughter' relationship with my MIL and all it got me was pain. I wish I had listened to my gut telling me that welcoming her with open arms was not going to end with her doing the same, and my gut was right. I opened my heart, my home, my family's home, and she stabbed me in the back.

I should've trusted myself when I felt she was untrustworthy, at least then we might've been able to maintain a cordial relationship. Instead we have no relationship, and never will, because I let her get too close and she used it against me.

Trust yourself. You only need to have the sort of relationship your DH has with your parents. Look to your parents for guidance imo.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

breeze said:


> I can completely understand this. I made the mistake of thinking I had to develop a close 'mother-daughter' relationship with my MIL and all it got me was pain. I wish I had listened to my gut telling me that welcoming her with open arms was not going to end with her doing the same, and my gut was right. I opened my heart, my home, my family's home, and she stabbed me in the back.
> 
> I should've trusted myself when I felt she was untrustworthy, at least then we might've been able to maintain a cordial relationship. Instead we have no relationship, and never will, because I let her get too close and she used it against me.
> 
> Trust yourself. You only need to have the sort of relationship your DH has with your parents. Look to your parents for guidance imo.


This is different though, you made an effort to get to know her and she was just crappy. How would you feel if she turned out to be a good person?

OP is not even willing to take a first step.....huge difference.

Again, I'm not saying OP should be her best friend. But some effort/chance should be given to build a relationship with her H MIL. Especially since she is asking.

Rejecting will not go over well and WILL create some resentment and effect your family.......

Go out with your MIL, get to know her, learn more about your husband......and set boundries based on results/how it goes.


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## exsmoker (Apr 16, 2014)

You might not like your MIL but you should still respect her. No matter what you think she has done to you, she seems like she wants to be included in your family. Why would you treat her so coldly? I think that's being rude.


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## damagedgoods1 (Nov 8, 2013)

ElizabethJ12345,
If the reason you don't want to have a close relationship with you MIL is because she is an unethical, law breaker, or immoral person, then you can tell the truth and stand up for yourself.
i.e. "I don't want to hang out with my MIL because her idea of 1-1 MIL-DIL time includes shoplifting." That's ok, just say so.
Or, she is a smoker and you are not. i.e. "I have decided to minimize my intake of 2nd hand smoke."
Or, She likes to hunt deer and your favorite movie is Bambi. i.e. "I'm morally opposed guns and the hunting of innocent deer." 
If she doesn't respect you and your ethical standards, that's ok, but you should tell the truth so that she understands why and stops with the invitations.

I had a friend (ex-friend now) who wanted to do a "fundraiser" where he would find a toilet from the dumpster, spray paint it purple, write his phone number on it and drop it off at another friend's front yard (while they were not home) and then ask the victim to donate money to charity in order to get him to remove the toilet from their front yard. This was stupid and illegal on multiple fronts. And this guy was an ex-police officer, so he knew the law. 
When he put that toilet in my front yard, we were no longer friends. We removed the toilet ourselves and ended that relationship.

Your MIL is family, if she won't back off on the invitations, then you need to be straight with her.


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

It seems to me she is asking for advise on how to gently get her MIL to back off without hurting her feelings or disrupting the family. I can totally see not wanting to be close to a particular person without feeling they are evil. Has anyone done this successfully that can share? Has anyone tried and seen pitfalls that they can share?

I don't see why people feel the need to insult her and call her selfish, you really don't know what the situation is or isn't. Usually someone who is selfish would care less whether they involved others and made it tough on them. I agree with a previous poster that it sounds like she has known her MIL for years, to me she does not sound like a new bride but someone who has been dealing with this for some time. We don't know what she has seen in the family, we don't know what her personal situation is right now. I don't see her as trying to wimp out but instead she is trying to save someone hurt feelings, we don't have to hurt everyone cause we are on some crusade to be honest.

OP ~ I wish you the best! I have learned in my situation that I have to watch my own motives and make sure I am not being spiteful, it's not a problem to protect my kids or own health but I try to watch my motives, it's so easy to want to pay back. Hoping your situation goes better than ours.


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## rcgray60 (Jan 24, 2013)

I have a question I think backing away mil/fil cause in my cases I thought confide with mil/fil was cool. But after I found out that they repeat everything I done told them. So I feel uneasy,cause my husband is going to say to me that is his parents so I really don't have no one to confide in. Unless I go see therapist for my situation. I really though that if confide I with your mil/fil they can advise me but I didn't know that I would get stab I. The back if I said anything by mil/fil.i really feel uneasy going over there house. I put o. A front to make my spouse happy. Any advice will help


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## L%Madi (Apr 19, 2014)

L%Madi said:


> I think thats a good thing your mother in law is trying to get along with you and trying to spend time rather than despising you. She seems like a good mother in law and i think thats something worth cherishing bcuz me...myself i dont have that and my mother in law goes out her way to let me know she dont like me and convinced eeryone else not to like me and never gave me a chance in due to me having five kids and feeling like her son can do better...i think u need to make time if it is only once or twice a month for a hour at a time and than yall build a relationship like that and with simple coversations


start with casual conversation..find out what she likes from your husband..thats all


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## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

Family means the world to me and I'm incredibly close to my own. So when my husband and I met and got pregnant, I didn't understand why he hadn't spoken to his own in over 10 years. They didn't even know he was alive! So stupid me, I contacted them to let them know about the impending grandbaby... His mother lived two states away and we went to visit once after 4 years. The next year his grandmother died and we went for the funeral. The next year, I left my husband for 3 weeks and 2 days after moving back home, his mother showed up on our doorstep. With her car packed and when I answered, had the audacity to ask what I was doing in my own home. Turns out, she had heard about my leaving and had closed her affaris there to move in with my husband. He gave me the message history and it was all one sided with her telling him that she was going to come here to live with him, get custody of my children, and raise them without me in their lives. He never once agreed with any of it and rarely responded to her at all, yet she showed up anyway. I refused to let her stay with us, especially after all the truly horrible and hateful things she had spewed about me and my older children to my face, over the phone, and on her public FB page, among many other problems. 

Anyway, she ended up getting an apartment very nearby and I have very little to do with her except that my own mother keeps forcing me into situations that include her. I HATE the woman with a fiery hell bound passion. But my own mother "feels bad for her, she has no one else" and invites her to all of our family functions. Holidays, birthdays, children's plays, church, etc. This has created such a strain on my husband and I (he doesn't wish to have anything to do with his own mother either) that we no longer want to attend these functions with my family that I've always been so close to. 

As I pointed out to my mother just tonight, there are thousands of homeless people out there that don't have anybody either, 99% of whom aren't HALF as bat $h1t crazy as my MIL, and she's not inviting them to our occassions. She changed the subject, as usual, and walked away. Maybe everybody will get the hint when we don't show up for Easter dinner...

I'm sorry you are going through a Monster-in-law problem also OP. Honestly, IMO, you aren't putting your husband in the middle. It's just kind of where he falls as her son and your husband. But whatever happens, he needs to back YOU up. Mother by default, wife by choice. I suggest you tell her yourself that you aren't interested in that close of a relationship with her, but your husband has to be on board! Her feelings may be hurt, but she still should not be allowed to bad mouth you to him.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> One observation....if she is reaching out to you...to include you...to make you feel a part of her life...I would say she is genuine and kind.
> 
> I am a mother in law...and I adore my daughter in law. I reach out to her. I want her to know how much I love her for loving my son.
> 
> Maybe your mil feels like I do...and perhaps you should embrace the hand she is offering you.


I wish you were my mother in law Mrs John Adams 

OP, you are so lucky to have a MIL who wants to form a relationship with you. I would give anything to have that relationship with MIL, and I always thought I would.

It was not to be, and her (FIL's) behaviour towards me both in person and behind my back has caused me to cut myself off (not my husband) from them. I won't see them anymore. I can't keep sticking my hand in the cage to get bitten.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

ElizabethJ12345 said:


> Thank you for the advice, everyone. I realize it's hard to advise me, given all the details I've left out. I am just incredibly paranoid about her finding this and knowing I'm talking about her!
> 
> If there's anyone who would be open to me sending them a private message to share more specifics, I would very much appreciate it, as I could really use an objective outside opinion.


You are welcome to PM me 

I have a VERY difficult relationship with my inlaws. I hope I can help you.

The poster who said that he bends over backwards to get along well with his in laws has a great point BUT - some people are just never happy. No matter what you do there aint no pleasing 'em. My inlaws are just like that.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

In laws have their way of generating long term toxicity from afar. I met my mother in law a decade after I met my wife as we come from different countries overseas and live in the USA. In retrospect if I had met her earlier I would have gotten a far better insight of the very messed up dynamics... And likely not gotten married.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ElizabethJ,

How often does your MIL want to do things with you?


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

I know some posters imagine a kindly MIL who wants a healthy relationship with OP. My first MIL could easily say she wanted a close relationship with me. Sounds innocent, but she bad mouthed me to the rest of the family - lied and tried to mess with my marriage. While there was no sense calling her on it, I sure has no interest in hanging out. I just remained cordial and busy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

No, you don't have to be close to your MIL or FIL.
I have never bought into the belief that just because someone is family that you HAVE to do XYZ or that you have to forgive them when they treat you badly.
To me, your family doesn't get a pass just because they are family.
You don't want to hang out or be close with your MIL, then don't, it's as simple as that.
At my age, I have learned that no one else's feelings are more important than my own. 
Look at it this way, why is it up to you to make HER happy, what about YOUR happiness, why should hers supersede yours?
Because it shouldn't. 
Stay polite and cordial, that's it.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I think there is a lot of negative vibe in this thread.

YES, many people have crappy In Laws, but that doesn't mean EVERYONE will have crappy in laws.

OP, unless your mother in law has a long history of treating you like garbage and is a crappy person, give her a shot and get to know her.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

DoF said:


> I think there is a lot of negative vibe in this thread.
> 
> .


Yes, definitely and with good reason. Sure, not everyone has crappy in-laws but I'm wondering if it's not the majority, and especially when it comes to MILs.

I know of more unbearable MILs than bearable ones in my entourage.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

No one says you have to be friends with the MIL but polite and kind would generally be a good idea until it's shown she deserves neither.

If she is making an effort to be in your life I see that as a good thing. You don't have to do everything together but maybe control what level you are comfortable. Maybe lunch once a month? Maybe after spending some more time with her you'll like her alittle more and if not well a lunch once a month isn't too big of a thing.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

DoF said:


> I think there is a lot of negative vibe in this thread.
> 
> YES, many people have crappy In Laws, but that doesn't mean EVERYONE will have crappy in laws.
> 
> OP, unless your mother in law has a long history of treating you like garbage and is a crappy person, give her a shot and get to know her.


I'm guessing OP has one herself (crappy in-law) She wants to keep her distance with her husband's blessing. I have the feeling she knows enough to wish to keep some polite distance.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

golfergirl said:


> I'm guessing OP has one herself (crappy in-law) She wants to keep her distance with her husband's blessing. I have the feeling she knows enough to wish to keep some polite distance.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That could be the case, I just didn't see anything negative/concerning that she stated about her MIL.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I haven't read this entire thread so I will assume that you have your own Mother?

My MIL wanted a very close relationship with me because she only had one son (H) & had always wanted a daughter. However, we were very different & had little in common. I did some thing with her alone (sucked it up) but not all the things she wanted to do. Luckily, I was VERY busy working & raising children so our "alone" time was very limited. 

Because she was a kind woman, there is no way in Hell I would have told her that I didn't want a Mother/Daughter relationship with her. It would have crushed her.

So what worked for me was occasionally doing alone things with her but not as much as she would have liked & she was able to live with that.


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

golfergirl said:


> I know some posters imagine a kindly MIL who wants a healthy relationship with OP. My first MIL could easily say she wanted a close relationship with me. Sounds innocent, but she bad mouthed me to the rest of the family - lied and tried to mess with my marriage. While there was no sense calling her on it, I sure has no interest in hanging out. I just remained cordial and busy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sometimes the "wanting to be close" isn't as innocent as it appears. 



DoF said:


> That could be the case, I just didn't see anything negative/concerning that she stated about her MIL.


Because he said there were past things I believed she might be telling the truth and there were past problems.

By the way I had a MIL who tried to get close but it was so fake and from this side of things I can see it was just to look good and say she tried. At the time I was glad, dh and I thought what's the harm but later find out it's not what it appeared, it wasn't driven by motives of a good relationship.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

My MIL is an old, aldoholic wh0re. I don't like her, my W doesn't even like her.

I guess that makes my problem seem easier to decide on than yours. 

But right now, it seems folks know more about my MIL than yours.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

We certainly know more about your MIL than we ever wanted to know. Hope your husband doesn't mind everyone knowing.


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## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

Awesome. Last night my husband openly admitted that his mother is crazy. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but as far as I'm concerned, that gives me an acceptable "I'll pass" next time he wants to run to her house. Especially since the ONLY reason he ever goes over there is because we have a bunch of crap in her storage shed. 

We were in the car today and he mentioned wanting to go get some of our guns from her place and I just gave him a completely blank look. He decided going tomorrow on his way home from work would be a better alternative. 

OP, I really hope your situation is turning around and that your H starts standing up and supporting YOU.


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