# Sexual Frustration Thoughts... Is there something wrong with me?



## FrustratedNJguy123 (Jul 18, 2019)

Ok.. so quick background.. been with my wife since high school.. 16 years together, 5 of which are married.. our sex life has always been “active”.. we have two small children which slowed down our sex, but we had been managing.. I’ve noticed though, that over the last year or 2 that we came to a hault.. we used to have intercourse a few times a week plus she was giving head in between.. so it was great.. now, we might go 2 weeks with nothing.. this is where my main concern comes in.. as our sexual activity slowed, I noticed that as the dry spell went on I would have A LOT of frustration and tension build up... this causes me to become easily irritated and an all around miserable person to be around by about the 3-4th day... at first I wasn’t even noticing it, but slowly I realized just what kind of attitude I had. I tried working on my attitude and to put up a “happy” front so I was more tolerable.. but inside I was just this angry guy... I thought that “self release” would help, but it never got rid of the tension.. I figured the release would be enough.. but it wasn’t even close to satisfying.. I actually would sometimes become more upset that I “wasted” a release by doing it myself.. the big problem is that when she finally came around to wanting to be intimate she wanted a “love making” session that was slow and sweet or she would blow me but it would be in her “chore mode”.. but deep down all I wanted was to grab her head and face**** her.. (I was always big on getting head)... anyway, after we would have our “love making” session I would feel some relief from the tension build up, however it wasn’t truly “satisfying”.. we talked somewhat about the tension I was feeling and she did work with me and tried to help give me relief more often, but this would only last a week or 2 and then it was right back to long dry spells.. and the oral or sex was all in “chore” mode.. During one such dry spell i again explained how frustrated i could be and worked up the courage to bring up “face ****ing”.. she was extremely hesitant but willing to give it a try even though she found it weird.. so we made plans for the kids to be at family members house and when I came home we gave it go.. while it wasn’t exactly what I imagined (she had difficulty most of the time) it was very satisfying in the end.. I love my wife and would never want to see her in pain or suffer, but watching her gag on my c**k was amazing.. it was so satisfying to just have my way with her mouth, but what concerns me is that in some part of my mind I felt that by face****ing her it was almost a “you want to hold out on me, now take this”.. mind you that she was into it and wasn’t doing anything truly against her will.. while I will acknowledge that I am sure it wasn’t something she “longed” for, it was something she was willing to do.. so here I am.. now wondering.. is there something wrong with me that I can’t go a week without a release that involves another person? That I have so much tension and frustration that builds up that a “normal” sex session or oral session doesn’t satisfy.. that to get true satisfaction it involves dominating my wife by face****ing her.. I tried everything to spice up our sex life so that we could just have mutual pleasure that would happen more frequently to avoid dry spells and bring about the tension.. I bought toys, lingerie, costumes, games, etc.. but nothing.. she never wants to really entertain wearing of sexy outfits, when I try to touch her or give her oral she shys away and comes up with an excuse (time of month, didn’t shower, not shaved, not in mood, etc) not always, but majority of the time.. idk.. looking for some outside input..


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

That’s awful. Be sure not to hold her nose shut and slap her face while doing it - that would be so wrong.

Seriously, though, you shouldn’t get angry at your wife for having less sex with two little kids running around. I don’t understand why masturbation doesn’t satisfy you, or why you need to facially abuse your wife to get satisfaction. It seems foreign to me. Just accept that you will be getting less sex for a while.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

FrustratedNJguy123 said:


> I thought that “self release” would help, but it never got rid of the tension.. I figured the release would be enough.. but it wasn’t even close to satisfying.. I actually would sometimes become more upset that I “wasted” a release by doing it myself..
> 
> looking for some outside input..


When it comes to the fine arts of self love, don't expect to be a Jedi Master of self satisfaction overnight. Your gonna have to put forth some effort, fine tune your imagination, and eventually you might unlock the ultimate achievement of hands free pleasure. 

Here is an example of a random fun idea to explore. Set your phone to have an alarm that goes off while you are deep asleep. Set the alarm to play some very subtle erotic audio (not enough to wake you up). Put your phone under you pillow, go to bed, and enjoy! It is kind of like powering the idea of VR porn via subconscious osmosis. Except instead of a lame VR headset, you have the entire power of your subconscious mind delivering up some wickedly real experiences that are way better than anything you could ever do in real life. 

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

FrustratedNJguy123 said:


> Ok.. so quick background.. been with my wife since high school.. 16 years together, 5 of which are married.. our sex life has always been “active”.. we have two small children which slowed down our sex, but we had been managing.. I’ve noticed though, that over the last year or 2 that we came to a hault.. we used to have intercourse a few times a week plus she was giving head in between.. so it was great.. now, we might go 2 weeks with nothing.. this is where my main concern comes in.. as our sexual activity slowed, I noticed that as the dry spell went on I would have A LOT of frustration and tension build up... this causes me to become easily irritated and an all around miserable person to be around by about the 3-4th day... at first I wasn’t even noticing it, but slowly I realized just what kind of attitude I had. I tried working on my attitude and to put up a “happy” front so I was more tolerable.. but inside I was just this angry guy... I thought that “self release” would help, but it never got rid of the tension.. I figured the release would be enough.. but it wasn’t even close to satisfying.. I actually would sometimes become more upset that I “wasted” a release by doing it myself.. the big problem is that when she finally came around to wanting to be intimate she wanted a “love making” session that was slow and sweet or she would blow me but it would be in her “chore mode”.. but deep down all I wanted was to grab her head and face**** her.. (I was always big on getting head)... anyway, after we would have our “love making” session I would feel some relief from the tension build up, however it wasn’t truly “satisfying”.. we talked somewhat about the tension I was feeling and she did work with me and tried to help give me relief more often, but this would only last a week or 2 and then it was right back to long dry spells.. and the oral or sex was all in “chore” mode.. During one such dry spell i again explained how frustrated i could be and worked up the courage to bring up “face ****ing”.. she was extremely hesitant but willing to give it a try even though she found it weird.. so we made plans for the kids to be at family members house and when I came home we gave it go.. while it wasn’t exactly what I imagined (she had difficulty most of the time) it was very satisfying in the end.. I love my wife and would never want to see her in pain or suffer, but watching her gag on my c**k was amazing.. it was so satisfying to just have my way with her mouth, but what concerns me is that in some part of my mind I felt that by face****ing her it was almost a “you want to hold out on me, now take this”.. mind you that she was into it and wasn’t doing anything truly against her will.. while I will acknowledge that I am sure it wasn’t something she “longed” for, it was something she was willing to do.. so here I am.. now wondering.. is there something wrong with me that I can’t go a week without a release that involves another person? That I have so much tension and frustration that builds up that a “normal” sex session or oral session doesn’t satisfy.. that to get true satisfaction it involves dominating my wife by face****ing her..* I tried everything to spice up our sex life so that we could just have mutual pleasure that would happen more frequently to avoid dry spells and bring about the tension.. I bought toys, lingerie, costumes, games, etc.. but nothing.. she never wants to really entertain wearing of sexy outfits, *when I try to touch her or give her oral she shys away and comes up with an excuse (time of month, didn’t shower, not shaved, not in mood, etc) not always, but majority of the time.. idk.. looking for some outside input..


Hi, first, next time please press the enter key a couple times here and there to break your text into multiple paragraphs -- much easier to read.

You need to understand that women are wired VERY differently than men. Men have high quantities of testosterone coursing through their blood, making them crave sex. Women do not. What makes a woman crave sex is primarily emotional. Feeling connected, feeling loved and cherished, being treated like she's special.

With the kids, you probably feel you have a lot less time to spend giving her attention and connecting with her. Things are probably more "business like" in your relationship than they used to be because the children consume much of your time and energy.

See the part I underlined in your post? "spicing up the sex life?" Those things are arousing to a man. But you're not trying to get a man to want to have sex with you, you're dealing with a woman. As a woman, why would I want a spicier sex life when I'm not desiring sex in the first place? Why would I want to dress up in sexy lingerie and get him all turned on when he won't even take 20 minutes out of his day to have a deep conversation with me and when he seldom hugs or kisses me unless he wants it to lead to sex? (That's an example, I don't know your exact situation.)

Your anger is probably because you feel rejected and like you have become a "chore" for her and resentful that she no longer seems to desire you. But ask yourself how has your relationship changed in other ways? Are you meeting her needs or have you just assumed they're the same as yours (sex)? The fact that she's willing to give you "chore" blow jobs and let you face **** her shows that she is trying. She loves you and wants to be a good wife, but she isn't feeling it sexually. Instead of feeling entitled to all the sex you want on demand, a more productive approach would be your doing what you can to meet her needs, then her sexual desire will grow on its own.

You might check out the book "His Needs Her Needs" by Dr. Willard Harley. It explains the different needs people have in a relationship and how to meet them. Sex is usually right at the top for a man but not for a woman. You need to find out what she needs and give that to her and then the planets will align again and she will probably start *wanting *sex with you more often.

This is a MUST READ article for you on this topic by the same guy.

Good luck. And don't take it personally. Women are complicated creatures. We put up with you men being simple beasts, but if you want to get what you want you need to give her what *she *wants, not what you want her to want.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I would love to hear your wife's side of the story. Women get no joy out of her man wanting her as a f *** toy, what about intimacy, romance, care and consideration? None of that seems to be in your vocab. I think you need to consider what she wants if you want to get anything at all in the future. It is not all about you. Yes and face F'ing seems incredibly hostile and weird but to each his own.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

FrustratedNJguy123 said:


> this causes me to become easily irritated and an all around miserable person to be around by about the 3-4th day... at first I wasn’t even noticing it, but slowly I realized just what kind of attitude I had. I tried working on my attitude and to put up a “happy” front so I was more tolerable.. *but inside I was just this angry guy*...


Don't do this... don't get angry, don't get miserable. It's probably just a phase. Try and understand and support your wife. I know it's difficult - I've been there - but don't push her away even further. She is trying to please you as she can right now. Marriage is this too. I wish I understood this years ago.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> Don't do this... don't get angry, don't get miserable. It's probably just a phase. Try and understand and support your wife. I know it's difficult - I've been there - but don't push her away even further. She is trying to please you as she can right now. Marriage is this too. I wish I understood this years ago.


From the woman’s viewpoint: I SO agree with InAbsentia. Please. Most of us have been through this phase. She is literally tapped out with small kids wanting, needing, demanding. Emotionally and physically. Don’t add to that misery. It is so damaging. Try to understand her situation. It will take time but as they grow it will get better. Try to be supportive.
I’m not a man. But what I’m hearing from you is it’s not sex you crave. The release. Or self love would help. It doesn’t.
It’s connection you crave. To be important to her enough that she wants to want you. She’s trying. Believe me. But she’s wiped out.
How can you help? Help with kids. Help with house. Give her breaks. Alone. Let her recharge. Get her favourite snacks in, keep the kids busy and let her binge watch Netflix. 
Forget toys and lingerie for now, for a woman it just sends the message that we aren’t measuring up. It’s pressurizing. Trust me, she will return to you. Make it a safe space when she does. 
The reason she wants long sessions is that she has spent so much time giving to others that she wants to feel cherished, loved and renewed by you. She is begging you to want her soul, not just her body. You are seriously one lucky man as she is desperately trying to connect with you. Heed her voice. READ. LEARN how to answer. She will return to you.
Love/sex changes as our lives change. For a loving couple it is about connection, not just release. It is about carving out a bubble of sanity and creating a cocoon against this crazy world.
She gave you “face” time. Now return the favour. Send the kids away. Draw up a bath with candles if that’s what she likes.
Watch you tube and learn how to give her a massage. Order dinner in. Speak kindly. Don’t pressure sex. Put your needs aside for one night. Tell her with your words and your behaviour that she is awesome and sexy. Then post and thank me after. Trust me.


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## FrustratedNJguy123 (Jul 18, 2019)

Thanks for all the replies.. Workingwife and Aine, I have tried working on more “romance” things, but it falls on deaf ears.. I work a hectic work schedule but plenty of days I have come home early and cleaned the house, did the dishes, laundry, etc so that when she came home it was to a clean house with nothing needing to be done around the house.. I thought maybe if there was absolutely no house chores we could have more time together.. I would plan nice dinners out where the kids could go to the grandparents and we could “reconnect”.. but it never seemed to do any good..

the days when I came home early and took care of all the house needs, she would find it as a day she could go visit her sister or some other personal errand.. the “romantic” nights out turned into just dinner out and coming home to her going to sleep.. right before we had our first child, she was worried about spending time with them or having to leave them to return to work.. not to get into specifics, but essentially I took on almost double the workload hours at my job so she could take a different job (less money) that gave her way more time with kids, was less work, and was going to be less stress for her.. yes.. Im not going to complain.. i wanted her to have all those things just because I love her, and I’m not going to lie.. I also did it because as she put it “if I’m not as stressed at work then I will be clear minded for when I come home” which was directly speaking about me getting more sex..

when we are in the house I try to touch her often.. whether it be rubbing her behind or hugging her but she seems more annoyed than anything and wiggles away with a fake smile.. during the “chore” oral, she just wants to go down and be done with it.. no making out prior to “get into it” or anything.. it’s kind of like “let me know when you are hard and hurry up cuz I want to go to bed”.. 

I know she sometimes talks about how she has gained weight.. mind you she really is not overweight or anything.. I tell her all the time it’s nonsense, that she is perfect.. I thought maybe it was a self conscious thing.. I always, and I mean always, compliment her.. I’ll say how sexy she looks or how nice her outfit looks on her or something like that.. I always tell her I love her and come up with corny sayings.. but again.. I just get a fake smile..

Then I started thinking it was me.. I have gained weight since we started dating (it has been 16 years) but nothing that I would say is “crazy”.. she swears to me that it’s not the case.. that she is still attracted to me.. but I can’t help thinking that it has to be loss of physical attraction.. I know women are programmed differently.. but she never makes a compliment, never touches me to just “touch me”, and when it comes time to anything sex related it seems so business like.. once in a while it feels passionate and real.. I know she loves me.. that I am 100% positive.. otherwise I don’t think she would have even entertained face****ing or would even bother the “chore” oral.. 

Every other aspect of our relationship I would say is perfect.. i mean we laugh, joke, are are generally happy.. it’s just when it comes to the sex portion of our lives i hit this wall.. I don’t think it even phases her.. idk


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

FrustratedNJguy123 said:


> looking for some outside input..


So far the advice in this thread reads with instructions on how to be Mr. Nice Guy or Beta Man. Unfortunately NONE of it will work if you do it only to get more sex. 

As a husband you CAN'T come across as needy and show you are willing to bend over backwards and manipulate your wife in every way possible (as in being nice or pretending to care when you don't) in order to get more sex. Women see straight through this crap. As a plus if you do nice things for her because you are sincere and actually enjoy doing those, you are going to get blamed (openly or unspoken) of doing it just because you want more sex. 

As women age they get self conscious about their body image. They realize time has taken a toll. Add some kids to that and she probably looks/feels like a bomb just went off right beside her but somehow she survived the blast every time she looks in the mirror. Then when you want sex, your wife is going to ask herself, "wait a minute I am no longer attractive so why does he still want sex? Is he just using me like a sex toy out of habit and hormones to get off because I am the only available vagina in the house?" ...and here you come bippity boppity boo with some sex toys to help because she thinks she is getting worn out and not able to get the job done as easily now. 

*So how do you pull your marriage out of this kind of sinkhole?* You are definitely NOT going to fix this by being all nice and romantic. Nor by pretending to care about her feelings (by this I mean taking an interest in things she knows you don't care about and coming across as fake while listening). *About the only thing you can do is acknowledge that the two of you are getting older and ask her to help work together with you to eat a healthy diet and exercise more.* This way you both take an interest in something NEW together and try to help each other take care of your wellbeing. Generally speaking exercise also does wonders for emotional wellbeing, and THEN you can finally compliment your wife for still being attractive and she will hopefully attribute that to you helping her take better care of herself because you love her. You can explain you desire her and ask if she can make it a point for the two of you to enjoy more intimate time together. 

In the meantime you also need to learn the fine arts of self love. If done right it will make you less needy and able to see straight so that you can work on yourself and help your wife through this messiness of stuff we all life. Try to avoid porn as it is very overstimulating and will leave you irritable and craving stupid novelties. Try reading or just listening to something erotic instead! 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

badsanta said:


> So far the advice in this thread reads with instructions on how to be Mr. Nice Guy or Beta Man. Unfortunately NONE of it will work if you do it only to get more sex.
> 
> As a husband you CAN'T come across as needy and show you are willing to bend over backwards and manipulate your wife in every way possible (as in being nice or pretending to care when you don't) in order to get more sex. Women see straight through this crap. As a plus if you do nice things for her because you are sincere and actually enjoy doing those, you are going to get blamed (openly or unspoken) of doing it just because you want more sex.
> 
> As women age they get self conscious about their body image. They realize time has taken a toll. Add some kids to that and she probably looks/feels like a bomb just went off right beside her but somehow she survived the blast every time she looks in the mirror. Then when you want sex, your wife is going to ask herself, "wait a minute I am no longer attractive so why does he still want sex? Is he just using me like a sex toy out of habit and hormones to get off because I am the only available vagina in the house?" ...and here you come bippity boppity boo with some sex toys to help because she thinks she is getting worn out and not able to get the job done as easily now.


Agree with this... ^^^



badsanta said:


> *So how do you pull your marriage out of this kind of sinkhole?* You are definitely NOT going to fix this by being all nice and romantic. Nor by pretending to care about her feelings (by this I mean taking an interest in things she knows you don't care about and coming across as fake while listening). *About the only thing you can do is acknowledge that the two of you are getting older and ask her to help work together with you to eat a healthy diet and exercise more.* This way you both take an interest in something NEW together and try to help each other take care of your wellbeing. Generally speaking exercise also does wonders for emotional wellbeing, and THEN you can finally compliment your wife for still being attractive and she will hopefully attribute that to you helping her take better care of herself because you love her. You can explain you desire her and ask if she can make it a point for the two of you to enjoy more intimate time together.
> 
> Regards,
> Badsanta



Bit of fairyland this... ^^^ :smile2:

Unfortunately, nothing will work right now. Give her space, help her, be nice to her, stop coming across like wanting sex all the time (because she can read you). Prepare yourself for long dry spells. She might come back to you, she might not... you don't have much choice in this, apart from keeping the dialogue open. If you are unhappy in the long term, maybe you are not compatible after all.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I don't even know what to say let alone give advice. 

I will say that if my husband had done to me what you did to your wife, his ass would have hit the curb with a resounding thud.

Take out your frustrations and resentments at the gym - not on your wife's face. That's disgusting behavior on your part. And, you wonder why your wife isn't into you. Un****ingbelievable.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> I don't even know what to say let alone give advice.
> 
> I will say that if my husband had done to me what you did to your wife, his ass would have hit the curb with a resounding thud.
> 
> Take out your frustrations and resentments at the gym - not on your wife's face. That's disgusting behavior on your part. And, you wonder why your wife isn't into you. Un****ingbelievable.


 Just I am ravenous when it comes to 6, and my husband frequently does this to me in a passionate way. And I love it. However… the original poster was basically punishing his wife. This was like vengeance degradation. Consent or not, it comes close to an assault. You need to get ahold of your underlying anger.



I say all of the above as a woman who loves sex and has no patience with women who withhold sex. But that is not what this is about. Your attitude toward your wife is almost frightening, and you need to seek out help for that period


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

personofinterest said:


> Just I am ravenous when it comes to 6, and my husband frequently does this to me in a passionate way. And I love it. However… the original poster was basically punishing his wife. This was like vengeance degradation. Consent or not, it comes close to an assault. You need to get ahold of your underlying anger.
> 
> 
> 
> I say all of the above as a woman who loves sex and has no patience with women who withhold sex. But that is not what this is about. Your attitude toward your wife is almost frightening, and you need to seek out help for that period


Please note it wasn't the fellatio that I found disturbing. It was the way he went about it and enjoying her gagging. That speaks to taking out his resentments during sex and you better believe she picked up on it.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

personofinterest said:


> Just I am ravenous when it comes to 6, and my husband frequently does this to me in a passionate way. And I love it. However… the original poster was basically punishing his wife. This was like vengeance degradation. Consent or not, it comes close to an assault. You need to get ahold of your underlying anger.
> 
> 
> 
> I say all of the above as a woman who loves sex and has no patience with women who withhold sex. But that is not what this is about. Your attitude toward your wife is almost frightening, and you need to seek out help for that period


Methinks the frustration is much more than merely sexual. Something is very amiss outside the bedroom and this is NOT the way to handle it. 

OP, you've got serious anger management issues manifesting in a very bad, and very unloving way. Get help. And I say this as someone who has both had sexual mismatch issues with a less desiring wife as well as someone who has struggled with temper at times. 

You're thinking on this is just all wrong. All wrong.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

OP I’m all for consensual sex acts of any kind.

But what you are describing is dangerous. It’s dangerous because you have watched too much porn. Stop watching that crap, it’s making you want to violate your wife in anger. 

Your sex life sucks so figure it out without making everything worse by screwing up your mind and then having violent fantasies about your poor wife.


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## FrustratedNJguy123 (Jul 18, 2019)

Maybe I am not seeing it or maybe I just didn’t explain it well.. am not saying that that I wanted to do the act to “punish” my wife.. all I was saying is that in some part of my mind as it was happening I felt as though it was a “yea take that”.. I am not saying I don’t have an issue.. I recognize that my “need” for sexual release is probably abnormally overwhelming.. but the whole purpose of the face****ing, at least to me, was just to have that pure sex driven encounter.. i didn’t say my main purpose to face**** was because I wanted to punish my wife for a dry spell.. I’m saying that when I get to that point I am no longer interested in sweet passionate slow love making.. at that point with all the build up I feel that I desire a more “aggressive” encounter.. the purpose is not to torture and punish.. but yes, in a small part of my mind as I was face****ing her I thought about the dry spell.. and gagging her with my **** was not the entire encounter and were mere moments as would be natural given the whole idea behind face****ing.. 

I am actually taken back that anyone would go as far as to say this was an “assault”.. I didn’t pressure her into it, only suggested it.. she could have easily said no like she has for other sex acts I have requested in the past.. I also told her directly before to tell me if anything was too uncomfortable or if she wanted to stop.. I am not about forcing my wife to do something she is 100% against.. again, I’m sure it wasn’t the highlight of her day.. but I have participated in things for her in the past that wasn’t on the top of my list.. I feel like that is part of a relationship.. sometimes you entertain things for the pleasure of the other person.. 

I don’t know.. I appreciate all the input and outside views.. but Again, the idea of assault really threw me off.. I mean yes, the act is a little more “animalistic” behavior.. but has no one had sex where it wasn’t about love, but pure sexual desire.. the idea that you go in to just get off.. and not be gentle.. my wife and I have had sex in the past where she has gotten on top and had her way.. and other times I have bent her over and had my way.. I feel as this is one of those times.. where I just had my way... only it was with her mouth..


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

FrustratedNJguy123 said:


> Maybe I am not seeing it or maybe I just didn’t explain it well.. am not saying that that I wanted to do the act to “punish” my wife.. all I was saying is that in some part of my mind as it was happening I felt as though it was a “yea take that”.. I am not saying I don’t have an issue.. I recognize that my “need” for sexual release is probably abnormally overwhelming.. but the whole purpose of the face****ing, at least to me, was just to have that pure sex driven encounter.. i didn’t say my main purpose to face**** was because I wanted to punish my wife for a dry spell.. I’m saying that when I get to that point I am no longer interested in sweet passionate slow love making.. at that point with all the build up I feel that I desire a more “aggressive” encounter.. the purpose is not to torture and punish.. but yes, in a small part of my mind as I was face****ing her I thought about the dry spell.. and gagging her with my **** was not the entire encounter and were mere moments as would be natural given the whole idea behind face****ing..
> 
> I am actually taken back that anyone would go as far as to say this was an “assault”.. I didn’t pressure her into it, only suggested it.. she could have easily said no like she has for other sex acts I have requested in the past.. I also told her directly before to tell me if anything was too uncomfortable or if she wanted to stop.. I am not about forcing my wife to do something she is 100% against.. again, I’m sure it wasn’t the highlight of her day.. but I have participated in things for her in the past that wasn’t on the top of my list.. I feel like that is part of a relationship.. sometimes you entertain things for the pleasure of the other person..
> 
> I don’t know.. I appreciate all the input and outside views.. but Again, the idea of assault really threw me off.. I mean yes, the act is a little more “animalistic” behavior.. but has no one had sex where it wasn’t about love, but pure sexual desire.. the idea that you go in to just get off.. and not be gentle.. my wife and I have had sex in the past where she has gotten on top and had her way.. and other times I have bent her over and had my way.. I feel as this is one of those times.. where I just had my way... only it was with her mouth..


I want to make it clear that hubby and I engage in "aggressive" passion regularly. So I find nothing wrong with it or demeaning about it. At all. And my first marriage was sexless, so believe me, I understand the whole climbing the walls with frustration thing. Here's the concern: if you regularly connect the need for relief with force, and then aggressive activity is the ONLY way you can be satisfied....well, you can see the danger in that, right?

All that said, your wife needs to examine why she has suddenly turned off the spigot.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

"During one such dry spell i again explained how frustrated i could be"...This is a waste of time and effort.
Never do this.

Become a man she desires.


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## FrustratedNJguy123 (Jul 18, 2019)

personofinterest said:


> I want to make it clear that hubby and I engage in "aggressive" passion regularly. So I find nothing wrong with it or demeaning about it. At all. And my first marriage was sexless, so believe me, I understand the whole climbing the walls with frustration thing. Here's the concern: if you regularly connect the need for relief with force, and then aggressive activity is the ONLY way you can be satisfied....well, you can see the danger in that, right?
> 
> All that said, your wife needs to examine why she has suddenly turned off the spigot.


That’s the thing.. if we stay on top of being intimate where we regularly engage in sex acts than I really don’t get the kind of buildup where I long for that “aggressive” type of act such as face****ing her.. I mean yes.. there are times even when on top of things where I like it.. but not something that is “required” to satisfy me.. but I feel that once I reach that certain point in a dry spell then there is no other way to truly satisfy me other then for aggressive encounters.. and I’m not saying it’s always face****ing.. sometimes it could just be that I bend her over and pound away relentlessly.. but for the most part face****ing brings about the most satisfaction during those times..


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

aquarius1 said:


> It’s connection you crave.


I guess slamming someone's face down onto your penis in rapid succession - a/k/a "face ****ing" them - can be considered a *'connection.'* 

What a lucky, lucky girl.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Maybe it's just me but I keep envisioning that thing where two dogs get stuck together.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

You should be sad and frustrated that you’re getting less sex due to the young children, not angry at your wife for denying you sex.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

personofinterest said:


> I want to make it clear that hubby and I engage in "aggressive" passion regularly. So I find nothing wrong with it or demeaning about it. At all. And my first marriage was sexless, so believe me, I understand the whole climbing the walls with frustration thing. Here's the concern: if you regularly connect the need for relief with force, and then aggressive activity is the ONLY way you can be satisfied....well, you can see the danger in that, right?
> 
> All that said, your wife needs to examine why she has suddenly turned off the spigot.


I don't disagree with the caution being thrown out, this could go off the tracks.

But, as a woman likes a man to just roughly take her and "devour her" sometimes, this so far hasn't indicated that OP intends any harm to his W beyond just putting into words that he likes to take a woman roughly at times. 

Hearing a man state the rough thing appears to be the same view but the verbalization seems to have triggered a lot of negative connotations where there may be none.

Now that said, OP, that cannot be every encounter every time, but it seems you get that.

Now, the hard part for you perhaps is there is (not may be) a period in a family man's life when kids are small the W will struggle between kids and H, and a good H tolerates it without begging, arguing, etc, as long as the person isn't extensive.

You are NOT at the too extensive time frame yet.

Chill out, go fishing, gym, help her but don't think you can earn sex. 

Treat her kindly, lovingly, and passionately and wild, all as circumstances guide you. Be tuned into her. 

Being manly isn't all about sex, though we all love sex. 

Be manly in taking on the hard things as well as the easy things in your marriage. 

Being tuned into her is your job right now. Be her biggest fan. 

All things in balance is the key.

She will come through, you both can. Chill a bit.

You can do it.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

FrustratedNJguy123 said:


> That’s the thing.. if we stay on top of being intimate where we regularly engage in sex acts than I really don’t get the kind of buildup where I long for that “aggressive” type of act such as face****ing her.. I mean yes.. there are times even when on top of things where I like it.. but not something that is “required” to satisfy me.. but I feel that once I reach that certain point in a dry spell then there is no other way to truly satisfy me other then for aggressive encounters.. and I’m not saying it’s always face****ing.. sometimes it could just be that I bend her over and pound away relentlessly*.. but for the most part face****ing brings about the most satisfaction during those times..*


*
*

Just imagine how much more satisfying it will be for you should she aspirate on vomit or ejaculate.

You're just not getting it. Your penis is not the center of the universe and you have no right to treat her like a blow up doll.

Why don't you go to work and volunteer to let a man face-**** you and see how you like it. First, make sure you piss him off royally to get the full effect.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

Wanting to get aggressive after a dry spell sure sounds like revenge to me. Why don’t you two work on this together rather than “pounding away”
She can detect that attitude. If you think your sex life is bad now, being the receptacle of your aggression after a hard day with the kids may make things a lot drier.

I’m surprised no one has suggested Married Man Sex Life Primer or No More Mr Nice Guy


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

FrustratedNJguy123 said:


> Ok.. so quick background.. been with my wife since high school.. 16 years together, 5 of which are married.. our sex life has always been “active”.. we have two small children which slowed down our sex, but we had been managing.. I’ve noticed though, that over the last year or 2 that we came to a hault.. we used to have intercourse a few times a week plus she was giving head in between.. so it was great.. now, we might go 2 weeks with nothing.. this is where my main concern comes in.. as our sexual activity slowed, I noticed that as the dry spell went on I would have A LOT of frustration and tension build up... this causes me to become easily irritated and an all around miserable person to be around by about the 3-4th day... at first I wasn’t even noticing it, but slowly I realized just what kind of attitude I had. I tried working on my attitude and to put up a “happy” front so I was more tolerable.. but inside I was just this angry guy... I thought that “self release” would help, but it never got rid of the tension.. I figured the release would be enough.. but it wasn’t even close to satisfying.. I actually would sometimes become more upset that I “wasted” a release by doing it myself.. the big problem is that when she finally came around to wanting to be intimate she wanted a “love making” session that was slow and sweet or she would blow me but it would be in her “chore mode”.. but deep down all I wanted was to grab her head and face**** her.. (I was always big on getting head)... anyway, after we would have our “love making” session I would feel some relief from the tension build up, however it wasn’t truly “satisfying”.. we talked somewhat about the tension I was feeling and she did work with me and tried to help give me relief more often, but this would only last a week or 2 and then it was right back to long dry spells.. and the oral or sex was all in “chore” mode.. During one such dry spell i again explained how frustrated i could be and worked up the courage to bring up “face ****ing”.. she was extremely hesitant but willing to give it a try even though she found it weird.. so we made plans for the kids to be at family members house and when I came home we gave it go.. while it wasn’t exactly what I imagined (she had difficulty most of the time) it was very satisfying in the end.. I love my wife and would never want to see her in pain or suffer, but watching her gag on my c**k was amazing.. it was so satisfying to just have my way with her mouth, but what concerns me is that in some part of my mind I felt that by face****ing her it was almost a “you want to hold out on me, now take this”.. mind you that she was into it and wasn’t doing anything truly against her will.. while I will acknowledge that I am sure it wasn’t something she “longed” for, it was something she was willing to do.. so here I am.. now wondering.. is there something wrong with me that I can’t go a week without a release that involves another person? That I have so much tension and frustration that builds up that a “normal” sex session or oral session doesn’t satisfy.. that to get true satisfaction it involves dominating my wife by face****ing her.. I tried everything to spice up our sex life so that we could just have mutual pleasure that would happen more frequently to avoid dry spells and bring about the tension.. I bought toys, lingerie, costumes, games, etc.. but nothing.. she never wants to really entertain wearing of sexy outfits, when I try to touch her or give her oral she shys away and comes up with an excuse (time of month, didn’t shower, not shaved, not in mood, etc) not always, but majority of the time.. idk.. looking for some outside input..



There are different things going on here...

The wanting to face**** is all fine if your wife is onboard with it (which she seems to be). The getting angry part is what concerns me a bit...
You might need to explore why you get angry, instead of communicating your wishes and fantasies to her and appreciate the fact that she is doing them. You need to explore that.

It’s not like she can read your mind and simply initiate it FOR you. (Women don’t typically do that). What exactly are you getting so angry about?

One thing you should bear in mind is that the male drive dives with age and all kinds of funny things start to happen not just physically but also psychologically; there’s often a lot of mental acrobatics going on to admit this simple biological reality and men need more and more (mental) stimulation to achieve sexual satisfaction and demand more from their wives, as if they are somehow responsible for making them fill that gap, of whatever it is they they think is missing. (A young dude will be happy or will make even starfish sex work, without these anger/resentment feelings, because attraction towards his wife overpowers everything else. Later, it’s not so simple anymore).

They begin to resent their partner when in fact nothing has changed with their partner and all this stuff is happening to them.
I have seen it happen quite a lot for it to be a typical pattern, rather than abnormality.

I am not saying that’s what’s happening to you, just that it happens a lot and if it is happening to you, you should get that under control before resentment and self-made frustrations will get out of control.

Good lick.




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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

You mention her fake smiles and her wriggling away from when you touch her, everything sexually is a chore to her; so on some level, in doing this, are you looking for a reaction from her? Do you feel like she has no passion anymore or something like that?


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

FrustratedNJguy123 said:


> I am actually taken back that anyone would go as far as to say this was an “assault”.. I didn’t pressure her into it, only suggested it.. she could have easily said no like she has for other sex acts I have requested in the past.. I also told her directly before to tell me if anything was too uncomfortable or if she wanted to stop.. I am not about forcing my wife to do something she is 100% against.. again, I’m sure it wasn’t the highlight of her day.. but I have participated in things for her in the past that wasn’t on the top of my list.. I feel like that is part of a relationship.. sometimes you entertain things for the pleasure of the other person..


I'm having trouble getting overly exercised about the face ****ing too. I think the fact that you enjoyed her gagging showed that you *are* frustrated and resentful, and that's concerning. Having read your second post where you explained that you are putting effort into the relationship, helping out, taking her out, etc.

A couple other people have pointed out that if you're extra efforts are being done *in order to get sex* women will see right through that and resent it. You mentioned hugging her and rubbing her but and she pulls away. I would stop rubbing her butt out of the blue completely. Most women HATE to be groped. As for the hugging - if she didn't pull away where would it lead? Are you seriously just wanting a hug (affection) or if she didn't pull away would you take that as a green light to go further -- groping, making out, sex... 

I've never had children so I don't know what that feels like, but I can imagine feeling tired, busy, irritated, overwhelmed and now my husband is hugging me out of the blue indicating he want sex and I just want to stay focused on what I was already doing...

You say you've gotten someone to watch the kids and taken her out but it "doesn't work" 'cause you just have dinner then come home and go to sleep. That indicates you've taken her out because you want to get sex, not because you want intimate time with her. If that's the case, she senses that and feels resentful that you're giving her attention in order to get something from her, not because you just enjoy being alone with her, talking with her, etc.

It sounds like you have talked with her about this. *What does she say the issues is *from her perspective? If the rest of the relationship really is great in her mind, it's possible physical/hormonal changes have taken place post children and she really does not desire sex like she used to. If she she insists she is very happy in the marriage and feels in love with you, I'd ask her to talk to her OBGYN about her lack of sex drive. And maybe low level depression?


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## FrustratedNJguy123 (Jul 18, 2019)

Working wife - we have talked about the issue.. she has given a few things about why she feels a lack of sexual drive.. she has told me that she is insecure about how she looks (she thinks she’s fat).. she says she has so much to do around the house with cleaning, laundry, etc.. she has said that the kids are constantly needing something so her mind never has time to rest.. and she says that by the time the day ends she is just exhausted and looking to lay down and sleep..

So with this knowledge and insight, I would do what I could around the house.. taking personal time at work to come home early and make sure the house was clean and things were picked up.. I would make dinner some nights.. when she came home I would try to keep the kids occupied and let her watch tv or try to relax.. I would compliment her in both passive and non passive ways.. I would give her a subtle back/shoulder massage (just while sitting in the living room, no candles or anything professional lol). and then I would add in some dinner dates and whatnot to get true alone time.. but it didn’t seem to pick up her sex drive at all.. 

And on a side note.. When I mentioned earlier that she pulls away and gives a fake smile when I rub her ass or hug her or whatever.. it’s not all the time.. there are times she enjoys it.. and no i don’t do it to lead to sex. I do it to help let her know that I find her sexy (ass rubbing) and to make a connection with her..


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> Unfortunately, nothing will work right now. Give her space, help her, be nice to her, stop coming across like wanting sex all the time (because she can read you). Prepare yourself for long dry spells. She might come back to you, she might not... you don't have much choice in this, apart from keeping the dialogue open. If you are unhappy in the long term, maybe you are not compatible after all.


In my opinion the idea that "nothing will work" is a self fulfilling prophecy. If you have problems in your marriage, you have got to sometimes "make it work." It is OK to back up and reassess things, but at the same time you have to establish some fundamental boundaries that keep things workable. 

If the frequency of sex is a problem, talk about each of your desired frequencies with honesty. Decided what is the minimum frequency needed to maintain the status quo of the marriage since it started, and learn how to wrap your mind around the idea of maintenance sex. The OP describes his wife giving him oral as if it is a chore. He needs to at least appreciate that he has a willing wife and get his act together to make sure that they can find a way to connect in a way that is mutually enjoyable. This means being willing to try a few different things here and there and acknowledge that some ideas will fail without getting frustrated or angry. Looking at porn to get ideas will do you no good! If porn had real ideas that actually works, 100% of traffic on the road would be large vans and they would drive down the road a-rock'n. 

As for preparing yourself for long periods of dry spells. Ummm no! As soon as you start to tolerate that, you might as well be driving a wooden stake through your balls.

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

FrustratedNJguy123 said:


> So with this knowledge and insight, I would do what I could around the house.. taking personal time at work to come home early and make sure the house was clean and things were picked up.. I would make dinner some nights.. when she came home I would try to keep the kids occupied and let her watch tv or try to relax.. I would compliment her in both passive and non passive ways.. I would give her a subtle back/shoulder massage (just while sitting in the living room, no candles or anything professional lol). and then I would add in some dinner dates and whatnot to get true alone time.. but it didn’t seem to pick up her sex drive at all..


Textbook example of Mr. Nice Guy and a covert contract to increase his wife's libido for him and frequency for sex. 

Then the wife relaxes, breaks a contract that she was not aware that even existed, and the Mr. Nice Guy gets ANGRY.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

aine said:


> I would love to hear your wife's side of the story. Women get no joy out of her man wanting her as a f *** toy



Sorry, m’aaam, my wife might disagree...



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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

FrustratedNJguy123 said:


> Thanks for all the replies.. Workingwife and Aine, I have tried working on more “romance” things, but it falls on deaf ears.. I work a hectic work schedule but plenty of days I have come home early and cleaned the house, did the dishes, laundry, etc so that when she came home it was to a clean house with nothing needing to be done around the house.. I thought maybe if there was absolutely no house chores we could have more time together.. I would plan nice dinners out where the kids could go to the grandparents and we could “reconnect”.. but it never seemed to do any good..
> 
> the days when I came home early and took care of all the house needs, she would find it as a day she could go visit her sister or some other personal errand.. the “romantic” nights out turned into just dinner out and coming home to her going to sleep.. right before we had our first child, she was worried about spending time with them or having to leave them to return to work.. not to get into specifics, but essentially I took on almost double the workload hours at my job so she could take a different job (less money) that gave her way more time with kids, was less work, and was going to be less stress for her.. yes.. Im not going to complain.. i wanted her to have all those things just because I love her, and I’m not going to lie.. I also did it because as she put it “if I’m not as stressed at work then I will be clear minded for when I come home” which was directly speaking about me getting more sex..
> 
> ...




Explain this to her instead of angry face****ing her and bottling up inside. 
You will be surprised but a lot of wives actually do listen...and care.
But maybe it’s just a bad time. We went a bit through a face like that, between births.

My wife is unbelievably empathetic when it comes to these things and cares about my well-being. She made an effort and continues to. I hope it’s because she also gets something out of it but I will never know for sure...

I try to do the same for her: so whenever she begs me to step up and face**** her hard, like a man, I bite my lips and do it. For her. For us.
Talk to her.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

personofinterest said:


> Just I am ravenous when it comes to 6, and my husband frequently does this to me in a passionate way. And I love it. However… the original poster was basically punishing his wife. This was like vengeance degradation.




Haha, such a double standard....
How can you be sure what your husband’s thoughts are in that moment?
Or that she doesn’t enjoy being ‘punished’...
If only they talked, maybe they would find out that they are into the same kind of kink...


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Btw, if you get the constant feeling that sex is a chore to your wife, then you always feel guilty and a bit like you are abusing her, if you have any modicum of empathy.
It’s not like she doesn’t let him and he still does it!!


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Also, remember there’s always porn to tie you over, during a difficult period.
It once saved our marriage.
In spite of how negative everyone is about it on here.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Ok OP think of it this way.

Some women have the fantasy of forcing their husband to gag on a huge ****, forcefully delivered to him by a much larger male.

Let’s just pretend for a moment that every time you tried to get your wife in the mood, what she is actually thinking is a fantasy about seeing you gag on a huge **** and begging to stop as tears come down your face.

Now let’s say when you finally have sex with her, this is what she is actually thinking about.

Ok granted, lots of men have this fantasy too so maybe this doesn’t sound that unappealing to you. But would it make you feel loved and wanted? 

What you are doing in your mind is similar and while fantasies are normal, when you make them about a specific person in a specific scenario, you are setting yourself up to be responsible for how that person feels about your fantasies.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

OP, I do feel that you have been very much misunderstood in this thread. Nothing wrong with degradation and pain if its consensual. I would suggest you offer up a few things to your wife. After all...its only fair. I would suggest you start with letting her peg you, and then once you are comfortable with that, move on to urethral sounding. If you don't know what they are I would suggest you google them, both activities are highly pleasurable, and I also think it will even things out at home. Best of luck.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

ReformedHubby said:


> OP, I do feel that you have been very much misunderstood in this thread. Nothing wrong with degradation and pain if its consensual. I would suggest you offer up a few things to your wife. After all...its only fair. I would suggest you start with letting her peg you, and then once you are comfortable with that, move on to urethral sounding. If you don't know what they are I would suggest you google them, both activities are highly pleasurable, and I also think it will even things out at home. Best of luck.




Just make sure you remember to take out the sounding thingy, before you resume angry face****ing...You might knock out her teeth...

One more thought. Are you sure you are angry at your wife and not yourself? I remember during the time when I felt my wife was not interested in sex with me, but would still ‘let’ me **** her, I was pretty angry at myself, for being weak and letting my horniness take over rational thought. I also felt extremely guilty for potentially inflicting something upon her that felt not much different than rape.
It was weird because she really enjoyed it during the moment, but I felt like ****.

I am actually not sure who was abusing whom, during that time: with hindsight, I feel I was also a bit abused emotionally too but I don’t dwell on it much now. I learnt a lot since then...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"Just make sure you remember to take out the sounding thingy..."

You forgot to tell him that before inserting, it has to be heated 'til it's red-hot for proper maximization of pleasure. 

Note: Do not try this at home. All performers are professional actors who are paid to be stupid.


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## FrustratedNJguy123 (Jul 18, 2019)

badsanta said:


> [
> Textbook example of Mr. Nice Guy and a covert contract to increase his wife's libido for him and frequency for sex.
> 
> Then the wife relaxes, breaks a contract that she was not aware that even existed, and the Mr. Nice Guy gets ANGRY.


I am not sure this is quite a textbook case.. there was nothing covert.. she is the one that planted the “contract” seed.. when we had our first and she dreaded the idea of going back to work at her then current job, she is the one that said that it was because of all this stress and the stress she would have at the job that was preventing her from getting in the mood.. she is the one that even suggested the idea that I allow her to get a new job that was more baby friendly to help benefit our sex life.. if I recall correctly it was something like “just think how great things will be if I have this stress taken off my shoulders... I would be so happy and be in the mood all the time for you”.. actually.. now that I’m thinking about everything, I think I’m the one being conned... I took on all this extra work at my job and stress in my life and what do I have to show for it? This is becoming such an eye opener lol


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

FrustratedNJguy123 said:


> I am not sure this is quite a textbook case.. there was nothing covert.. she is the one that planted the “contract” seed.. when we had our first and she dreaded the idea of going back to work at her then current job, she is the one that said that it was because of all this stress and the stress she would have at the job that was preventing her from getting in the mood.. she is the one that even suggested the idea that I allow her to get a new job that was more baby friendly to help benefit our sex life.. if I recall correctly it was something like “just think how great things will be if I have this stress taken off my shoulders... I would be so happy and be in the mood all the time for you”.. actually.. now that I’m thinking about everything, I think I’m the one being conned... I took on all this extra work at my job and stress in my life and what do I have to show for it? This is becoming such an eye opener lol




Just don’t get more angry...this is not good for her face.
I know this is a stupid question, but have you told her about your feelings?


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

FrustratedNJguy123 said:


> I am not sure this is quite a textbook case.. there was nothing covert.. she is the one that planted the “contract” seed.. when we had our first and she dreaded the idea of going back to work at her then current job, she is the one that said that it was because of all this stress and the stress she would have at the job that was preventing her from getting in the mood.. she is the one that even suggested the idea that I allow her to get a new job that was more baby friendly to help benefit our sex life.. if I recall correctly it was something like “just think how great things will be if I have this stress taken off my shoulders... I would be so happy and be in the mood all the time for you”.. actually.. now that I’m thinking about everything, I think I’m the one being conned... I took on all this extra work at my job and stress in my life and what do I have to show for it? This is becoming such an eye opener lol


You have two small children and feel "conned" because you have more stress and have to work more? That's not being conned, that's reality.
Part of growing up and all that...
You have a lot of time to think about your **** for someone who is so overworked and stressed.

Oh and taking your turn cleaning up the house so you can face **** your wife....she needs to make you work a little harder next time.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

be honest. work on an answer together. If I had understood how important sex was to my husband, I would have tried more. ( not kidding) At least she's trying. Chore sex is better than no sex sometimes. This will pass.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

FrustratedNJguy123 said:


> I am not sure this is quite a textbook case.. there was nothing covert.. she is the one that planted the “contract” seed.. when we had our first and she dreaded the idea of going back to work at her then current job, she is the one that said that it was because of all this stress and the stress she would have at the job that was preventing her from getting in the mood.. she is the one that even suggested the idea that I allow her to get a new job that was more baby friendly to help benefit our sex life.. if I recall correctly it was something like “just think how great things will be if I have this stress taken off my shoulders... I would be so happy and be in the mood all the time for you”.. actually.. now that I’m thinking about everything, I think I’m the one being conned... I took on all this extra work at my job and stress in my life and what do I have to show for it? This is becoming such an eye opener lol


Have you talked to her about this? Does she have an explanation for her current lack of desire for sex? Can you ask her in an open and non-threatening way where if it is something in the relationship she would feel comfortable being honest with you?

If she's staying home full time with 2 little kids, she may be ready to rethink how "stressful" a day job is... I still think it could be hormones/post partum depression. If she can't point to anything you are or are not doing, it would be nice if she would consult a dr.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

badsanta said:


> In my opinion the idea that "nothing will work" is a self fulfilling prophecy.


I said "right now"... :wink2:

As far as the dry spells are concerned, she is exhausted. I know she should make an effort, but she has no drive. He needs to be patient and accept it for a while. Of course, it's not ideal, but "forcing her" to have sex will have the opposite result.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

FrustratedNJguy123 said:


> if I recall correctly it was something like “just think how great things will be if I have this stress taken off my shoulders... I would be so happy and be in the mood all the time for you”.. actually.. now that I’m thinking about everything, I think I’m the one being conned... I took on all this extra work at my job and stress in my life and what do I have to show for it? This is becoming such an eye opener lol


We did that. My wife changed job, to a very low paying one and we took a financial hit, so she could do what she enjoyed, be less stressed, have more time for us, etc. Then I had a vasectomy: so we could have sex more freely. Then she changed job again, to one without shifts, part time, so she wouldn't be tired all the time. Still no time for us, though... :wink2: I was busting my balls to make enough money after the financial hit, only to be told I was working all the time... :scratchhead:


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## FloridaOranges (Apr 30, 2019)

After kid #2 - slow to no sex seasons in life - they seem to be pretty standard... I read the article a member pointed out and agree with the intimacy throughout the day leads to a better chance of having sex at night... 

I think us husbands must (well clearly) have NO idea what it’s like to give birth to a child, let alone more than once... 

So rather than giving in to the idea that we deserve sex when we want it - whilst living in a totally over-sexualized culture - instead I try to focus on things I’m passionate about outside of sex and have faith that the sexual part of our relationship will return - assuming we actually love each other and are attracted to each other - and thankfully in our case we are. 

It’s gonna be ok - your balls will get used to it - mine have and listen when I say I used to get TERRIBLE blue balls - agonizing. Not anymore - I just don’t think about it. And stay far away from porn.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

FloridaOranges said:


> After kid #2 - slow to no sex seasons in life - they seem to be pretty standard... I read the article a member pointed out and agree with the intimacy throughout the day leads to a better chance of having sex at night...
> *
> I think us husbands must (well clearly) have NO idea what it’s like to give birth to a child, let alone more than once... *
> 
> ...


Great post. I think it's very hard for men to understand what the hormonal fluctuations feel like to women too. The tiredness, low level depression, disinterest in sex ...it's all VERY REAL.

I went to a Dr. for hormones a couple years after entering menopause. I knew I wasn't quite right but I had NO IDEA how anxious and depressed I had been for YEARS until I started the first hormone and felt the RELIEF. It was for progesterone and I told my dr. it was like the clouds parted and the angels sang. And she said "That's why they call progesterone the feel good hormone.'"

I never had children, but I have learned that when you give birth, your progesterone level drops to ZERO. Then your body is supposed to kick back into gear and start producing it again, but sometimes it just doesn't. I think that's where postpartum depression comes from. It's very real and very serious. If your wife has a pleasant personality in general, you may not see any signs of depression because she's good natured and has social skills (doesn't lash our or snap at people when she's frustrated. Doesn't mope around when she feels down. Let's her man Face **** her because why not?) She could be depressed and not even know it herself. But depression = lack of motivation, lack of excitement, feeling tired, etc.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

FrustratedNJguy123 said:


> I am not sure this is quite a textbook case.. there was nothing covert.. she is the one that planted the “contract” seed.. when we had our first and she dreaded the idea of going back to work at her then current job, she is the one that said that it was because of all this stress and the stress she would have at the job that was preventing her from getting in the mood.. she is the one that even suggested the idea that I allow her to get a new job that was more baby friendly to help benefit our sex life.. if I recall correctly it was something like “just think how great things will be if I have this stress taken off my shoulders... I would be so happy and be in the mood all the time for you”.. actually.. now that I’m thinking about everything, I think I’m the one being conned... I took on all this extra work at my job and stress in my life and what do I have to show for it? This is becoming such an eye opener lol



If this conversation actually took place, it is the basis for a long needed and EXCELLENT argument / conversation. Have it now, directly, don't wait a decade.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

FrustratedNJguy123 said:


> I am not sure this is quite a textbook case.. there was nothing covert.. *she is the one that planted the “contract” seed..*


A "contract seed" sounds like something that Todd Hoffman on _Gold Rush_ might refer to when he is upset and making a 3rd party tell him where in the heck 5000 ounces of gold will appear in the pay dirt of what he thought was going to be a sure thing according to the "seed contract" that was planted in his imagination. He is then told that he hasn't tried hard enough and that he has to keep going twice as deep before he will be on the gold. 

In other words: *Seed Contract = Covert Contract*




> when we had our first and she dreaded the idea of going back to work at her then current job, she is the one that said that it was because of all this stress and the stress she would have at the job that was preventing her from getting in the mood.. she is the one that even suggested the idea that I allow her to get a new job that was more baby friendly to help benefit our sex life.. if I recall correctly it was something like *“just think how great things will be if I have this stress taken off my shoulders... I would be so happy and be in the mood all the time for you”*.. actually.. now that I’m thinking about everything, I think I’m the one being conned... I took on all this extra work at my job and stress in my life and what do I have to show for it? This is becoming such an eye opener lol


*Less Stress ≠ Positive Improvements for Happiness w/ Higher Libido*

I can't tell you all the things that my wife has told me that would drastically improve the quality and frequency of our intimate life. Almost all of which I worked to make happen and none of which improved her libido. What happened is that your wife was not asking for help as if she was offering to make a contract. *Instead she was making an excuse* as to why she was not in the mood. 

Examples of wife's excuses not to have sex:

Too tired
Too busy
Too stressed
Need a shower
Not in the mood
Still upset me over something stupid
Have to watch favorite TV show (on demand can watch anytime)
Need time to call my family to talk for a while
Headache

You ever hear the joke about the husband that randomly asked his wife if she needed an aspirin and she said no? Then he smiled and said, "well then we can have sex!" Exactly it does not work that way. You can't take an excuse not to have sex, reverse engineer it into a covert contract for sex. Otherwise here is a surefire way to solve problems for pretty much everyone's bad sex life:

Reverse engineering excuses for no sex into covert contracts for sex:

Allow spouse to get extra sleep
Take over spouse's chores so that are not too busy
Try and take on more stress so spouse does not have to be bothered
Upgrade the shower to make it more inviting 
Buy sex toys and aphrodisiacs
Stop behaving stupid
Discontinue cable service with spouse's favorite TV shows 
Sabotage family relations by limiting time or insisting on both spouse's participation as to not be left out
Serve plenty of caffeinated beverages

Now take a look at that list and memorize it. Everything on there is a covert contract for more sex by Mr. Nice Guy! A lot of readers here are familiar with this list as well as many other things. Bottom line:

*Reverse engineering an excuse to not have sex ≠ Opportunity for Happiness w/ Higher Libido*

*Reverse engineering an excuse to not have sex = Mr. Nice Guy Covert Contract for Sex!*

Now it might get you some positive results here and there. But ultimately NO! 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Why do you hate your wife so much?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Welcome to the real world where you can’t get everything you want. You sound entitled and selfish. It must suck to be horny and your spouse be too tired for sex. But to get ANGRY because your exhausted wife won’t enthusiastically have sex with you as much as you want... is a problem and not a normal reaction. Change your attitude, your wife is doing the best she can and you guys still have great sex. 

Don’t talk to me about tension buildup. There are people who haven’t had sex in years with their spouse and they still have self control not to get angry. Life happens, and sometimes sex gets put on the back burner for more important things.


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## HDsocal (Nov 19, 2010)

In Absentia said:


> Agree with this... ^^^
> 
> 
> Bit of fairyland this... ^^^ :smile2:
> ...


The problem is 'the new normal ' as the kids get older other things replace the sensual time alone, and the new normal becomes something far less than what you truly desire. 

Infrequent duty sex isn't fulfilling to men. At a certain point it is impossible to hold back the frustration, at best you are resigned with the new normal, that is different than happy about it. Not all women understand this and how it affects their husband / partner.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> Welcome to the real world where you can’t get everything you want. You sound entitled and selfish. It must suck to be horny and your spouse be too tired for sex. But to get ANGRY because your exhausted wife won’t enthusiastically have sex with you as much as you want... is a problem and not a normal reaction. Change your attitude, your wife is doing the best she can and you guys still have great sex.
> 
> Don’t talk to me about tension buildup. There are people who haven’t had sex in years with their spouse and they still have self control not to get angry. Life happens, and sometimes sex gets put on the back burner for more important things.


Unless mutually thought ok, "sex isn't important anyway" who hasn't had sex for years with their SO?

That's just wrong.

Granted, I haven't read every post in this thread, but this just stuck out.

It's been 5 days, DW back in a couple days, and I may not survive. 

Just kiddin', but still, years? 

Unless medical, no way, for me at least. 

YMMV I know we're all different.


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## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

FrustratedNJguy123 said:


> the big problem is that when she finally came around to wanting to be intimate she wanted a “love making” session that was slow and sweet or she would blow me but it would be in her “chore mode”.. but deep down all I wanted was to grab her head and face**** her..


Going back to the OP, the "big problem" actually may point to a solution: your wife may be game to try the other stuff, but she still wants most of all an emotional connection to you ("slow and sweet"). That seems like a good thing. 

You were given a link to Dr. Harley; I'd suggest reading a further one directed at wives overcoming a sexual aversion. That might give you some perspective on how you are being perceived. She already knows you are frustrated, but the door seems open here. 

I would try talking empathetically with her about how _she_ experiences sex, and let her know emphatically that you are in her corner re: wanting her to feel connected and enjoy sex in her own way as well as yours. If you do that, she may be less inclined to reach for kids/job/stress-related excuses and open up to you. Right now these excuses _feel_ valid because sex with you has become a stressful, fraught experience for her. If she comes to view it differently, as a relaxing and bonding activity, she will likely look forward to it even when "tired".

Also, it should perhaps go without saying, but leave the face-f***ing and other porn-fantasy role-play exploration of power dynamics for a time when you're on a more secure emotional footing. Her being game to do it anyway is a good sign, but you run a high risk of being misconstrued and encouraging aversion when you aren't on the same page.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

FrustratedNJguy123 said:


> so here I am.. now wondering.. is there something wrong with me that I can’t go a week without a release that involves another person? That I have so much tension and frustration that builds up that a “normal” sex session or oral session doesn’t satisfy.. that to get true satisfaction it involves dominating my wife by face****ing her.


Yes there is. And this.....

_I love my wife and would never want to see her in pain or suffer, but watching her gag on my c**k was amazing.. it was so satisfying to just have my way with her mouth, but what concerns me is that in some part of my mind I felt that by face****ing her it was almost a “you want to hold out on me, now take this”.. _

.....should let you know that there is. I would have thrown you off of me and then asked you to move out. Whether you moved out or forced me to move out, the marriage would be over immediately.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Phil Anders said:


> Also, it should perhaps go without saying, but leave the face-f***ing and other porn-fantasy role-play exploration of power dynamics for a time when you're on a more secure emotional footing. Her being game to do it anyway is a good sign, but you run a high risk of being misconstrued and encouraging aversion when you aren't on the same page.


Amen to that! Some guys don't realize they contribute to their wife's aversion to sex, and this kind of crap will promote very long-lasting negative effects he won't be aware of to point to later on.


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## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

Yeah. I do think his affinity probably indicates an understandable desire to get back some control over a frustrating situation...but it's a massively destructive way to channel that feeling. 

Having her trust and desire him again and do whatever arouses him (or both of them) eagerly and voluntarily will salve that wound a hell of a lot better than this creepy, coercive "take that, you b****!" vibe. What they arrive at might literally be the same act with a different understanding, or something new they find together, but it'll take a major improvement in communication and trust before that's remotely an option. Stop digging the hole first of all!


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Phil Anders said:


> Yeah. I do think his affinity probably indicates an understandable desire to get back some control over a frustrating situation...but it's a massively destructive way to channel that feeling.
> 
> Having her trust and desire him again and do whatever arouses him (or both of them) eagerly and voluntarily will salve that wound a hell of a lot better than this creepy, coercive "take that, you b****!" vibe. What they arrive at might literally be the same act with a different understanding, or something new they find together, but it'll take a major improvement in communication and trust before that's remotely an option. Stop digging the hole first of all!


I've been there. He is doing it all wrong, unfortunately. Your link in the previous post is perfect, although she might not have a total aversion to sex. The article implies that the wife doesn't enjoy sex or it's not that important to her. But I think in this instance (and mine), it's just exhaustion. By forcing himself on her, she will develop an aversion to having sex with him, eventually. I wish I'd know this many years ago (not that I ever facef**** my wife like that... :laugh.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

exhaustion is a horrible thing. It isn't helped by rest or sleep. Its something we call "bone-tired" It saps your energy and drive. 
OP needs a mindshift. I SO agree with Phil Anders and In Absentia. Its a phase. Heck, at least she's willing to try!!!
Don't make her regret putting herself out there for you or things will get worse, not better. Feeling used by your partner is an absolute sex, and marriage killer


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