# My Husband Confessed



## marypoppins (Aug 26, 2014)

After 3 weeks my husband finally come clean, even though I had all the evidence I needed, he just basically filled in the gaps.

The woman he cheated with was someone he was engaged to over 20 years ago, they split as she thought he was cheating, no real evidence just a bit of a rumour, anyway, 2 years ago she followed him on twitter and he followed her back, they chatted and then they meet up, he went to her house on several occasions and she is also married with 2 children. 

After he confessed she rang to see if the 3 of us wanted to sit down and put all our cards on the table - WHY!

She said her marriage is over, even though her husband doesn't know about the affair, but she wants my husband. He says he wants me, but I don't think I could carry on anymore. I have asked him to leave me alone as my 2 children are back to school on Wednesday and one is changing school, going into secondary school.

Can this go on, I feel trust is broken and it would never be the same again?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

For sake of reference, here is your thread from last week:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/216506-has-he-cheated.html

No, the trust had been broken and it will take a ton of heavy lifting by him to earn that trust back. And even then you will never trust him implicitly ever again. The ball is now in our court as to how to proceed and what you want to do.

I would still make sure that her husband is aware of EVERYTHING that you know. Don't go by what they tell you as to what he is or isn't aware of.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> I would still make sure that her husband is aware of EVERYTHING that you know. Don't go by what they tell you as to what he is or isn't aware of.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


absolutely! He needs to know the whole deal...maybe it will take care of itself the minute he finds out.


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## ladymisato (Aug 5, 2014)

marypoppins said:


> Can this go on, I feel trust is broken and it would never be the same again?


Mary, I'm sorry to hear about your difficulty. Of course, with trust broken things will never go back to the way they were before. You need to approach this with eyes wide open and hold him to account.

That said, it sounds like it is not a lost cause and you can test his sincerity pretty quickly. I would suggest two things: have him reject this woman and submit to any and all oversight by you that you deem necessary for as long is takes to restore your trust (which could be never).


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

i'm sorry you are here. as already mentioned, i'd contact her H soon. he deserves to know. 
as for what you should do, you don't have to make any decisions right now. take care of yourself and your children. your WH has a lot of work to do if he plans on regaining your trust. 
take care.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

cool12 said:


> *i'm sorry you are here. as already mentioned, i'd contact her H soon. he deserves to know.* as for what you should do, you don't have to make any decisions right now. take care of yourself and your children. your WH has a lot of work to do if he plans on regaining your trust.
> take care.


Agreed.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Another vote to tell her husband ASAP. Do not give your H a heads up- serve that one cold.

Get checked for STDs no telling what they may have exposed you to.

Do a hard 180, for yourself.

See a lawyer


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## Laurel (Oct 14, 2013)

marypoppins said:


> After 3 weeks my husband finally come clean, even though I had all the evidence I needed, he just basically filled in the gaps.
> 
> The woman he cheated with was someone he was engaged to over 20 years ago, they split as she thought he was cheating, no real evidence just a bit of a rumour, anyway, 2 years ago she followed him on twitter and he followed her back, they chatted and then they meet up, he went to her house on several occasions and she is also married with 2 children.
> 
> ...


You will be going through a rollercoaster of emotions for the next few months. No big decisions need to be made right now. The focus right now should be on yourself and your children. 

I agree with all the others that tell you to expose the affair to the OW husband ASAP. She needs to face the consequences of her actions, and be occupied with her own husband rather than yours. 

Reconciliation is a very hard road, and it is not for everyone. Personally, I always swore I would never forgive a cheater. And when I found out with concrete proof that my husband was cheating, I left him and was 99% sure I was filing for divorce. But much to my surprise, we eventually ended up reconciling, and are now very happy. 

The fact is, your marriage will never "be the same again." Your old marriage is dead. If you decide to reconcile, it should be a new marriage, with new boundaries and new ways of doing things. But only you can decide whether that is something that is right for you. And obviously your H would have to have complete remorse and transparency for this to even be an option. 

I'm sorry you are here. I know how excruciating it is.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

marypoppins said:


> The woman he cheated with was someone he was engaged to over 20 years ago, they split as she thought he was cheating


 Let me get this straight. 20 years ago this other woman ended her relationship with your husband, because she strongly thought that he was cheating on her, strongly enough to end their engagement, and was therefor not good long term relationship material for her, and today, now that he is a proven cheater because he is cheating with her, she wants him back and thinks that he is good long term relationship material for her enough to leave her husband for? Cheater's logic at work once again.


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## WatchmansMoon (Mar 6, 2013)

Laurel said:


> The fact is, your marriage will never "be the same again." Your old marriage is dead. If you decide to reconcile, it should be a new marriage, with new boundaries and new ways of doing things. But only you can decide whether that is something that is right for you. And obviously your H would have to have complete remorse and transparency for this to even be an option.


I agree. If you do decide to seek reconciliation, I would never try it without the help of a counselor. You'll need your husband to agree to many terms (laid out clearly with the help of your marriage counselor) and you'll have sure he's in full agreement with (and promising to abide by) the terms set. If you try to reconcile without these basics, you may only be setting yourself up for more pain.

Stay strong ~ and HUGS to you!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She is a predator. Tell her husband as a first step.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

First of all - I'm so sorry to hear that you have been hurt by infidelity.  Please accept my condolences and best wishes for healing.

Next,



> After he confessed she rang to see if the 3 of us wanted to sit down and put all our cards on the table - WHY!


This is awfully suspicious to me. How coincidental that he confessed to you, and shortly thereafter, she called you. Sounds to me like they've been in contact and maybe even like they are trying to manipulate you into something. Stay alert.


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## marypoppins (Aug 26, 2014)

Thank you everyone for your words. 
I emailed her husband and he then called her and she admitted to him of the affair.
I have now also spoken with him.

Turns out she has wanted him out of their home for months, saying that they had problems. He moved out last week, he is devastated.

My husband wants to try again and up until I spoke with the other husband, I was willing, but now I don't want to. 

I have asked my husband not to contact me as I need to concentrate on myself and the kids. He has done nothing but bombard me with phone calls and texts. I need to be strong for the kids, my daughter has started her senior school today which is a big thing in itself for her, my son also in his last year of school.

Thanks again x


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## marypoppins (Aug 26, 2014)

dignityhonorpride said:


> First of all - I'm so sorry to hear that you have been hurt by infidelity.  Please accept my condolences and best wishes for healing.
> 
> Next,
> 
> ...



I know, I felt insulted when he said do you want to phone her and ask her any questions - WHY?

When she rang he put her on loud speak, saying my wife is here and I have told her, she then said well are we sitting down together or what, I can't believe how some woman can do things like that

It looks like they have come up with the story, he came home to confess then she has rang, all very odd.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

unfortunately it's not odd at all. 
that's how a lot of cheaters do it.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

My best advice is to let them have each other. The entire confession/calling her thing was some sort of coordinated manipulation attempt. At the very least, it's an indication that, in his mind, she has equal (perhaps higher) standing in decisions about your marriage as you do. They are still in contact, which means the affair is still ongoing. He's making her and "them" a priority over you and your children. You cannot even hope to attempt to reconcile with a spouse who is actively in an affair. If he wants to try to convince you to R, he will need to be verifiably no-contact with her for at least several weeks. It doesn't sound like he's doing that, or perhaps even willing to do that. So, no R is currently possible. And you might decide that you don't want to R with someone who would treat you this way in any case. 

Focus on yourself and your children. If you haven't, you may need to briefly explain to your children what's going on - in broad strokes, they don't need details. After that, just work on finding calm strength for yourself and finding out where you stand legally and financially so you can protect yourself and the children. You don't have to make any big decisions right away.


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