# Sex Addiction



## sunnyday7 (Jan 26, 2009)

Should a person stay married to a sex addict? I have been married for a couple years and I am pretty sure my husband has a problem. What steps should I take and when is enough enough? Thanks for any advice.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

I think we need a bit more info. What is it you call a sex problem?? I know a lot of men love sex. I personally would want it from my wife daily and I like porn but it doesn't interfere with my life. Just give us some more info..


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## sunnyday7 (Jan 26, 2009)

Well i have posted several times about this and i hate to keep rattling on bout it, but mainly loving husband...i checked our list of purchases on directv and he purchased 8 porno's just in the month of august and has already purchased 5 in sept. i know he must feel bad about this and when i try to ask him about i dont want to embarrass him but he acts like he doesnt have a problem.

Also his whole life seems to revolve around sexual jokes, sexual references...etc. and i know he texts women in sexual ways, its been going on for a while, and really i just want to know what he can do for himself or what i can do for him, because honestly i think im getting ready to leave him, but i want him to get help.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I wouldn't call that an addiction. The interaction with other women though, that's disrespectful.

I went back and read about his phone sex with other women, etc. He has no respect for you. So leave him if you can't stand him like this. But get it out of your head that you want him to get help. That's not for you to decide. Once you leave, it is his life. 

Sounds to me that this is more bargaining on your part. You've left 3 times and come back and he does the same things. Well, duh. 

The next time you go, you'd better mean it. Or you're going to continue to get just what you've trained him to deliver. More of the same.

He's not the man for you. (Or me!) Leave, don't look back.


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## EVknoble (Sep 10, 2009)

dobo said:


> I wouldn't call that an addiction. The interaction with other women though, that's disrespectful.
> 
> I went back and read about his phone sex with other women, etc. He has no respect for you. So leave him if you can't stand him like this. But get it out of your head that you want him to get help. That's not for you to decide. Once you leave, it is his life.
> 
> ...


what she said...


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

She's already left him over this 3 times. What are the chances that 4th time is a charm? He's got no reason to change.


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## EVknoble (Sep 10, 2009)

dobo said:


> She's already left him over this 3 times. What are the chances that 4th time is a charm? He's got no reason to change.


I am not a person who advocates leaving a man for his mistakes, but there are too many wrongs going on that you can see (let alone the ones you don't).

Put him out to pasture and trade him in for a newer model.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

I personally don't think the porn is the problem its all the other stuff. Texting women about sex is just wrong. Especially if he has somebody who wants to be with him. He should have a little more respect for yor marriage and you. If you can't take it any more leave..


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Even w/o the other stuff she might not like the porn, LH.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

dobo said:


> Even w/o the other stuff she might not like the porn, LH.



I guess she will have to let us know if thats a big problem or just another thing piled on.. I understand some women might feel insecure with their husband looking at it. My wife and I used it to get us turned on more. Though neither one of us have cheated..


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I can imagine that with the other stuff he's done that porn would be a constant reminder of his interest in other women.

My husband and I don't use porn in this way, btw. It may prevent people from learning how to really open up to their partner if they need something like this to get them going. Since the mind is where it is at, this just clouds the mind. It doesn't make us closer to the other person.


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## sunnyday7 (Jan 26, 2009)

Well, honestly this has been going on for so long that I dont really care anymore. It's like i dont like him doing these things, and we have discussed it, but he is still doing them and I know that and so does he. No I dont like the porn, and not only does it make me feel cheap and unimportant when we do make love, which usually creeps me out, but its also a very expensive habit.

I dont really have proof anymore that he is sexually texting any women anymore but I am sure that he is. I was reading somethngs on the internet about sexual addiction and I do want him to get help I would hate to think If i had this problem that someone wouldnt try and help me with it, you know.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

How much more help does he need? You've told him it will cost him his marriage (but then failed to follow through). Maybe you're afraid to give him a real wakeup call. Maybe you get something out of being in this position. I don't know. But his problem is only your problem so long as you are married to him. And if he doesn't see it as a problem, what exactly are you going to do? Kidnap him and commit him to some Christian Right Rehab? He's a grown man making poor decisions and there isn't boo you can do about it.

So take care of yourself. That's all you have the power to do.

I really think you're making excuses not to leave, trying to play this "but I want him to get help" thing as a reason you can't truly go. If you go, then who will save him? WHO CARES? He doesn't want to be saved.


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## sunnyday7 (Jan 26, 2009)

You're right dobo. Mainly I guess I am just scared to go, scared im making the wrong decisions and just scared in general. I am really bad at confrontations and I guess I dont know how to address the issue cuz I dont like to fight. I would just like to slip away.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Write him a letter. Tell him you've had enough. Leave.

You don't owe him more than that. It isn't as though you haven't gone through this before. He's well aware. And he'll try to get you to come back. Don't. He's lying. He won't change for you. So don't go back. You've seen what happens. You know how it goes.


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## italiana86 (Oct 21, 2008)

dobo said:


> I wouldn't call that an addiction. The interaction with other women though, that's disrespectful.


Yes it is an addiction!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and no don't leave him! you are married. Our whole life will be a fight, if the next one is not a porn addicted , he is a gambler! are you going to leave him too, just because he has a problem? and you are too weak to fight ?

We need to fight, we need to work together! get you somebody to talk to! somebody professional, minister, cons. , or whoever! don't give up marriage. When you and your husband are able to fight that you will be reward after that!!! You will see how things are going to change for both of you!!!

Good luck and God bless you!


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## italiana86 (Oct 21, 2008)

sunnyday7 said:


> You're right dobo. Mainly I guess I am just scared to go, scared im making the wrong decisions and just scared in general. I am really bad at confrontations and I guess I dont know how to address the issue cuz I dont like to fight. I would just like to slip away.



it is so sad to read that!!!! you don't like to fight....? Honey, in life we always have to fight!!! everyday is a new battle!!!!!!
I hope you won't listen to those women who support divorce!!!
are you a christian???


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## italiana86 (Oct 21, 2008)

dobo said:


> Write him a letter. Tell him you've had enough. Leave.
> 
> You don't owe him more than that. It isn't as though you haven't gone through this before. He's well aware. And he'll try to get you to come back. Don't. He's lying. He won't change for you. So don't go back. You've seen what happens. You know how it goes.


I think you don't know the meaning of ADDICTION!

do you know gamblers??? alcoholics??? drug addicits? It is ALL the same....
YES they DO need help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
yes they lie! Yes the hurt people. but they are hurting them selves the most!!!!!!
You should be the one, that should not get hurt from it! You have to understand WHY they act they way how they act! because they are sick! it is an illness! 
the last thing they need is somebody leaving them that is close to them because they have a problem!!! believe me the next man you get won't be a porn addicted but he will have some other habbits that you won't like after 10 years! do you want to get divorced again??


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## CarolineMRF (Sep 2, 2009)

Without a doubt I would classify him as having a sex addiction...His hunger for sex is insatiable......One thing I never cared for was dirty jokes and dirty references to things...To me, that's like a boy that can't leave his toys behind....


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## italiana86 (Oct 21, 2008)

yes that is true. like a baby to a pacifier. it's cause of the addiction and he has to do something about it! she can't do anything. only pray, pray, hope and learn how to work with it! doesn't mean to exapt it though. Just to know how to walk by him although all that and how to put boundaries!


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## sunnyday7 (Jan 26, 2009)

I do agree with you italiana and thats why I am still around. No i dont want to leave him with a problem, like i said if i had the same condition i would hope he would stick by me. But Italiana how do you help someone when they think it is perfectly okay to act they way they are acting. 

He is not only a sex addict but he is a controller and he has anger problems as well...not like im perfect cuz obviously i have problems too. I hav suffered with depression and all that, but I tried to get help myself and not bother himwith it. Its just I think our marriage is causing me to have unhealthy views of life, its taking away a lot of the happiness that it could be, and he doesnt seem to get it, its like he's saying this is who i am.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

italiana86 respectfully you're dangerously wrong. 

i say dangerously wrong because you're feeding into the original poster's fears and buttressing her excuses to continue to stay in an unhealthy relationship.

i don't think that's your intent but it is the effect,based on original pster's response.

there are plenty of men 'out there' without addictive problems.

more to the point there are plenty of men who know how to respect a woman.

and yes adictions are serious afflictions but sunny's hub just sounds like an immature um gent (hold tongue lol) who has worn down her self esteem and has her questioning who she is.

and even if he DID have an addictive problem she STILL shouldn't stay with him because NO ONE should EVER stay in a hurtful situation.

actually, wonder if it isn't the wife who has some kind of addiction...to being abused and controlled.

ok, i really don't wonder that. but i do wonder why she's stuck around for sooo long in such an unhealthy environment.

what's up with that?


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Recent Cloud said everything I would have said and more.


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## sunnyday7 (Jan 26, 2009)

italiana86 said:


> it is so sad to read that!!!! you don't like to fight....? Honey, in life we always have to fight!!! everyday is a new battle!!!!!!
> I hope you won't listen to those women who support divorce!!!
> are you a christian???


I didnt mean I dont like to fight for what I believe in, just that I dont like to argue.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Bible thumping aside, this guy needs a cold glass of water in the face. I watch porn a little but wife doesn't care, we even watch it together once in a while. If she thought I had a problem or was addicted and upset I would drop it. And the other stuff, well face it, he doesn't respect you and he's obviously horny as hell. So what will you accept? how much will you tolerate and where are the lines? will you draw lines? will you enforce those lines? these are things you need to decide for yourself then lay down to him what you will and will not accept and what consequences will be. He's either in the marriage or not, not disrespecting you and throwing away money on cable rentals. He won't respect you until you do.


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## italiana86 (Oct 21, 2008)

martino said:


> If she thought I had a problem or was addicted and upset I would drop it.


the thing is you said, that you watch it a little bit. so if you really think you could drop it, or you would do it for your spouse you are not an addict! this is the difference. But as long as she is ok with that and everybody is happy and not hurt by it than it is totally ok for you both.


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## italiana86 (Oct 21, 2008)

sunnyday7 said:


> He is not only a sex addict but he is a controller and he has anger problems as well....


I didn't know that! let me ask you a question. How often did you leave him and for how long. and why did you go back to him?

Yes it is an unhealthy relationship but I think you need to learn how to put boundaries. you need to learn how to work on yourself first! You seem to be very week (this is no offense) And if you change yourself first, somebody else changes too!


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