# 7 year itch -- need fresh insights



## mbokoto (Jul 17, 2011)

Long story but plz bear with me; 

I am not married yet and this is the 7th year of my relationship with my gf. We met during the 2nd year of college.

I went into this relationship with a hope that our close understanding will develop into passion and deeper love and through time make me a better person. 

During the first two years, I did my best to infuse passion into the relationship. As time went by, it was not reciprocated and I start to feel jaded. 

I felt detached from my friends. I had little time of my own as her world centered around me. 

I felt the burden but I did my best to make the most out of the situation. I guess I wasn’t good enough. The tipping point came when I realized I felt so good and energized when she is not around me during one of her long breaks with her parents.

Through my relationship I had learned to care for others and think of other people’s feelings and not just my own. She is such a fragile person and I took pride in caring for her, to be there for her to share her sorrows and joy. Through all this experience I believe I have become a better person. 

There were even thoughts on; what will life be if she is no longer with me. Then this question broke; am I happy in the relationship? Am I? 

I looked deep down inside of me and I had to say no. Grief and sadness overcame me. I don’t know what to do; I had slipped into the slippery trap door of ambivalence.

Day and night, I agonizingly search for an answer; should I leave or should I stay and fight on?

I scoured books, forums, online articles, anything I can find to get an answer.

How can you leave someone you had spent a chunk of life with even though I feel tired in the relationship?

The thought of leaving her, unattended in a broken state felt so painful to me. If I stay back will I be happy or will I slip back into the state of ambivalence once the strong emotions have eroded thus starting the whole process all over again?

If there is a clear sign that I should leave I know I have to be cruel to be kind. To detach myself completely from her life in order for her to heal and to move on. 

She raised a valid point by saying, why give up when we haven’t even try to work this out? Communication breakdown had been ongoing for years. Since 2007 when I started having a fling.

She knew there were problems all along, way back in 2007 but why didn’t she open her mouth so that we can work together to solve the issue with communication? Why now?

I had been keeping these secrets from her. I admit these fiascoes add thrill to the boredom I face on the daily basis in the relationship. 2009 the bad habits repeat and manifest itself when I flirted with A. I ended it naturally knowing that the best option is to spend more time with her and end all this nonsense altogether. 2011, 2 years on, suddenly I found myself in a similar albeit more serious situation with Su. Unlike the other earlier situations whereby I was merely having naughty fun to get attention, I actually like Su because my feelings towards her are growing stronger day by day.

What is my problem with this relationship?

Let me list it down one by one.

a. Lack of communication – I haven’t been out rightly honest with her about our relationship for a long time, due to the fact that I don’t want to hurt her. I know this is the core issue, 
b. Fun – where is the fun? The fun is gone in the relationship for a good while now. I cannot recall having fun with her for the past 3-4 years. Everything had slowly halted to a standstill of routines. Day after day, week after week of the same thing. It kills my passion in the relationship.
c. Balance in life; I think her whole world now revolves around me. Where are her friends? I don’t see strong relationships outside ours and these burdens me to a point that I feel weighed down by this responsibility.
d. Then came the hard hitting point by Mira, is she a resource to you? I try to look into this deeply and found that everything breaks even if I leave. I don’t have any dependency on her at all. 

All four of these factors are the core issues leading to; the lack of intimacy, the breakdown of communication in our relationship and the inability to focus on a future together. 

I went on three weeks relationship break to clarify matters. 3 weeks later all signs still point to a no-go.

She literally suffered during her 3 weeks away from me. Missing me, thinking about me, agonizing about me, I on the other hand was totally the opposite. I enjoyed my time away from her, felt free to do things that I haven’t done for a while. 


Can our relationship be salvaged or is this the end?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I would say, move on. As much as I may be hated for that, it is my opinion and what I would do.

You have found she is not the one...why stay?


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

mbokoto said:


> I went into this relationship with a hope that our close understanding will develop into passion and deeper love and through time make me a better person.


Sounds like something you do at a religious retreat. Very analytical thought process there. You do understand that relationships are based upon emotion and need, right?



mbokoto said:


> I felt detached from my friends. I had little time of my own as her world centered around me.


That's what most good relationships are about. It sounds like you have a very selfish approach.



mbokoto said:


> Can our relationship be salvaged or is this the end?


I may have misread your post, but it seems to me you are not a person who is able to put the time or energy into a relationship that partners would expect. There's nothing wrong with that but it certainly is not fair to "lead someone on" when you are not into them the way they are into you.

It's interesting that you ask if your relationship can be salvaged when based upon your posting it is obvious that you are not putting in the effort to salvage the relationship. What appears to be holding you back is fear of hurting the girl which probably stems from guilt surrounding your cheating on her and knowing that you are carrying on a relationship without being emotionally attached to her.

Let her go, as much as it is going to hurt her. Frankly, she deserves better than you. And certainly the lesson you can take away from this experience is that your goal of becoming a "better person" by dating her, did not succeed.


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