# Should I make contact?



## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

My H has been gone 7 weeks now after walking out on me and the kids. In that time, the only communication has been negative...my calling and crying/asking why? how could he? to come home...lets fix this. And he responding with negatives....increasingly mean and cruel until I recently found out he has someone he is having an affair with...though I do not know if its online or real life....and to what extent. We have had no contact at all since 2/28 when I found out minus one email by me to tell him that I separated the car ins policies. 

My question is, how should I be handling things? Do I just continue to not call/contact him knowing he probably never will himself. Do I try to make contact and show a different side...no more anger or tears. I was thinking I should call and be as nice as I could...calm and just state things matter of factly....that as much as I would like us to work on our marriage, that if he is not able to do that then we should move forward with filing a legal separation as I need to protect the rights of the children etc....
Help....I dont know what to do...Its so hard to just have no contact but I know logically that it means nothing if I'm the only one reaching out and hes continually pushing me away.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

melissa68 said:


> My question is, how should I be handling things? Do I just continue to not call/contact him knowing he probably never will himself. Do I try to make contact and show a different side...no more anger or tears. I was thinking I should call and be as nice as I could...calm and just state things matter of factly....that as much as I would like us to work on our marriage, that if he is not able to do that then we should move forward with filing a legal separation as I need to protect the rights of the children etc....
> Help....I dont know what to do...Its so hard to just have no contact but I know logically that it means nothing if I'm the only one reaching out and hes continually pushing me away.


I wouldn't contact him. I know that you think it feels like a like time since 2/28 but it hasn't been a month of no contact. I don't know how your state does separation by my state doesn't recognize it. Have you seen an attorney? Don't reach out to him. He knows where you are and how to contact you. Let him wonder...


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## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

Yes let him wonder.. It will eat him alive, he's human..Let him miss you. DONOT CALL...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

I guess I don't have the confidence in myself or his feelings for me past or now to think he's even thinking about me! Argh...makes me so angry at myself....I am a strong person...I've gone through the death of my first child and having to bury her, the ending of my 14 yr marriage to infidelity while losing my mother to leukemia a month later....I've battled anxiety and agoraphobia and gone from someone who could barely leave the house to going back to school, working, driving, shopping..traveling...went back to school in my 40's and am graduating with a degree and hopefully the skills to get a job...I'm a strong person! But yet I let this jerk make me feel so insecure and weak at times. And why should I even want him back....he's the worst at times...everything I said I would never put up with. Bah....hate thinking about him every day....wanting his voice...one kind word...one moment of 'normalcy'. I guess this is my new norm. I won't call....I want to call....but I won't call. Knowing him I may never hear from him again until one of us files...thats his M.O. run and deny....Melissa? Melissa who?


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

(Hugs) just because I understand.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

thank you sadwithouthim....oh my gosh I feel so silly but I'm sitting here tearing up because someone who doesnt even know me is my kind than a man I spent 9 years with and had a family with...day in day out...9 years...and he can't be bothered to do anything but hurt me and the boys...ugh....

Thank you for being so sweet...it means a lot more than I could ever say


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Melissa: It appears all too clear that like me, you've been duly abandoned. Difference is my STBXW packed us off to a different city to do it and just left us. Yours just up and left.

You are to be greatly commended for having made contact with him but I'm greatly reading that his intentions are totally dishonorable to you. And to that end, you need to get with legal counsel ASAP and get the ball rolling on divorcing him. There's someone else out there that will truly love you for who you are and holding a torch for someone who has a track record of continuing to kick you to the curb is not that person. Focus your energy on your sons, because they truly are your gift from God!

Get into IC if you can afford it, and if you're not in Church, make an effort to do so because there's some great caring people in there for you. Best of luck to you, my dear!


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

melissa68 said:


> I guess I don't have the confidence in myself or his feelings for me past or now to think he's even thinking about me! Argh...makes me so angry at myself....I am a strong person...I've gone through the death of my first child and having to bury her, the ending of my 14 yr marriage to infidelity while losing my mother to leukemia a month later....I've battled anxiety and agoraphobia and gone from someone who could barely leave the house to going back to school, working, driving, shopping..traveling...*went back to school in my 40's and am graduating with a degree and hopefully the skills to get a job...I'm a strong person! * *But yet I let this jerk make me feel so insecure and weak at times. And why should I even want him back....he's the worst at times...everything I said I would never put up with. Bah....hate thinking about him every day*....wanting his voice...one kind word...one moment of 'normalcy'. I guess this is my new norm. I won't call....I want to call....but I won't call. Knowing him I may never hear from him again until one of us files...thats his M.O. run and deny....Melissa? Melissa who?


Forget him and remember what else you said!


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## 52flower (Mar 4, 2011)

Hi Melissa, I know how you feel. You feel sad, lost, paralyzed, and in disbelief that this has happened. I went through it twice. It's horrible. You don't deserve to be cast aside and devalued. No one does. But I understand it's difficult to believe your worth after you've spent years wrapped around this man, trying to please and love him. Love means you care about a person's feelings first and foremost. My exH says he still loves me but he doesn't know that if you love someone, you would not want to hurt them...ever. Your husband absolutely does not deserve you. If he wants you in his life, he needs to prove it the way YOU need him to. It's up to him. Try to believe he does not deserve your time and emotion anymore unless he moves mountains for you.


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

There's someone else out there that will truly love you for who you are and holding a torch for someone who has a track record of continuing to kick you to the curb is not that person. Focus your energy on your sons, because they truly are your gift from God!



Thank you for that. You are so right in that I have given more than enough of my energy and feelings to someone who clearly doesnt have it in him to love that way back AND my boys are truly a gift from God and they are and always will be my priority.


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

52flower said:


> Hi Melissa, I know how you feel. You feel sad, lost, paralyzed, and in disbelief that this has happened. I went through it twice. It's horrible. You don't deserve to be cast aside and devalued. No one does. But I understand it's difficult to believe your worth after you've spent years wrapped around this man, trying to please and love him. Love means you care about a person's feelings first and foremost. My exH says he still loves me but he doesn't know that if you love someone, you would not want to hurt them...ever. Your husband absolutely does not deserve you. If he wants you in his life, he needs to prove it the way YOU need him to. It's up to him. Try to believe he does not deserve your time and emotion anymore unless he moves mountains for you.


Thank you 52Flower. I needed that! I'm feeling much better since I posted and much more determined to keep moving forward...this time of night is always the hardest for me....dinner time....when we'd all be together.....but you know what? the important ones are together...me and my boys....screw him! :smthumbup:


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## nomoretogive (Oct 29, 2011)

melissa68 said:


> Thank you 52Flower. I needed that! I'm feeling much better since I posted and much more determined to keep moving forward...this time of night is always the hardest for me....dinner time....when we'd all be together.....but you know what? the important ones are together...me and my boys....*screw him*! :smthumbup:


Thatta girl!!!

How did your interview go the other day?


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

So you want to talk to your H but every time you do you cry or pressure him in some way until you both argue and he doesn't want to call anymore. He expects you to keep acting like this every time you call based on your last impression, so he doesn't pick up or respond to your texts anymore. Well you can change all that today....

For the most part this is one of those "do nothing" situations where he is best left alone to decide for himself, and you have more time than you realize to influence him. You can leave a positive lasting impresion tonight by agreeing with his feelings and NOT giving him anything to resist you with.

Since you are worried about never talking to him again I want you to call him tonight and apologize for anything you said that might have rubbed him the wrong way. Then tell him "I would like for us to save our marriage, but you are right it's not going to work out. You found someone who treats you well, and it's not like you went out looking for it, these things happen. I will file for seperation to give you the space you need". 

This completely goes against the way you would normally talk to him and at the same time gives him nothing to hold against you. As soon as let him know you will not be adding any drama to his life the pressure on him will relax. And when you take yourself out of the competition with the OW he will find reasons to talk to you. This will not work if you waffle and come crying to him days later. You need to stay strong and show him you accept what's going on and you are fine with it. He needs to get the impression that you are absolutely fine with giving him up and won't chase him no matter what.

You see right now he is getting all these loving emotions from her and feeing angry with you. Everytime you argue he is going think of you with contempt and see her as the better choice. You can bet he feels some guilt but not when is angry or upset with you. The only thing you can do act like you had a change of heart and are ok with him leaving. Let him be with her and treat him kindly every time you talk. Little by little you will talk more as distant friends first until he slowly opens up his life to you (without you prying). 

Within a few months your friendship will be closer and you'll find excuses to be together. She will grow controlling and needy and chase him away all on her own; or they will go through the same fights you went through and break-up. Even if he divorces you for her they are going to have lasting trust issues and hang-ups about affairs since she knows he can't be trusted not to wonder. And she will stop being so wonderful whenshe isn't chasing him anymmore, you can count on this. But you can start over again and create a friendship that has him chasing you. Remember he fell for you the first time and with the history you have he can do it again.


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## nomoretogive (Oct 29, 2011)

Nsweet said:


> So you want to talk to your H but every time you do you cry or pressure him in some way until you both argue and he doesn't want to call anymore. He expects you to keep acting like this every time you call based on your last impression, so he doesn't pick up or respond to your texts anymore. Well you can change all that today....
> 
> For the most part this is one of those "do nothing" situations where he is best left alone to decide for himself, and you have more time than you realize to influence him. You can leave a positive lasting impresion tonight by agreeing with his feelings and NOT giving him anything to resist you with.
> 
> ...


Melissa, as hard as it sounds, this is EXACTLY what you need to do right now. It is the heart and soul of the 180, and more often than not it works. And you know what? There is also the possibility that once you change your mind set to being willing to let him go, file for separation, and begin moving on in your life that when the day comes that he decides yes, he was stupid and wants to try again, you may not want him. 

When my husband finally called after his last running away episode, he was all like, "Well, if I come back, you need to do this, this and this, and I'll try to do this and this." Like I told him, "At this point, since you walked out again, you are in no position to make demands. Right now, I need to decide if I want you here, and I need time to think about it." He didn't know how to react, because he thought I would start groveling and begging him to come home. I did the complete opposite of what he was expecting, and let him know in no uncertain terms that although he was in control of things when he walked out -- when he would answer the phone, what we could talk about, et cetera -- I was in control of whether he walked back in, not the other way around.

Doing what's above puts YOU more in control of things than you can realize until you start to do it, and it's empowering as well.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Melissa,

You've let me know he's emotionally broken.

Do you know what that means?

It means "wrong is right"

Until he wants to fix it.

Plan accordingly.


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## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

I can not stand any man who walks out on his children. That is not a man in my book and I do not understand how someone can do that to a child. 

I am bitter right now, crying about not seeing my daughter everyday. I can not imagine not seeing her for 7 weeks.

I know you still love him and want things to work, but looking from the outside, no matter what issues you two may of had, you and your children deserve a better man than that because he is not one.

You are in my prayers.


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## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

Yeah, I would make contact through a lawyer.

Sorry Melissa, your story really fires me up. 

Hugs


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

You know what hit me...is that I don't even know if I really love him or if I just love who I thought he could be....maybe thats all I ever loved....who I thought he had the potential to be...the glimpses of the person I wanted as a husband....the moments. Maybe I just am so afraid of being on my own that I haven't even stopped long enough to ask myself if I really want him back. He represents everything I NEVER wanted in a relationship...abusive physically twice, emotionally more times than I can count, abandons us at every turn, his family is crazy and intrusive, he deserted his first children and now our children....a history of drug abuse and incarceration...everything polar opposite of who I am...he fooled me well and I fooled myself even more. 

I hate him for hurting my children...and at the same time I hate myself for wanting him back so my children have him... I hate him for not being the man I wanted him to be and I hate myself as much for putting us all in a situation where I knew how he was and still married him.

I wish I could just feel one way or another from day to day...I wish I didn't feel a need for him to approve of me...when I don't approve of him at all or anything he's done. You know what I was thinking of earlier....I was married for 14 yrs in my first marriage....he met someone at work and left for her....I met my current husband 3 years later....I thought enough time to have 'moved on' and dealt with it all. My current H has always been a runner....any stress/conflict and blam he's gone home to mommy. A few days later he would be back. I realized that maybe the reason I put up with it was because in some twisted way I was getting something from it. He would leave me....I would go through all the suffering and hurt but then he would come back...he would love me again. My first husband never came back... Maybe I'm as ill'n as him lol or maybe I had my first epiphany about all this....


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## nomoretogive (Oct 29, 2011)

melissa68 said:


> You know what hit me...is that I don't even know if I really love him or if I just love who I thought he could be....maybe thats all I ever loved....who I thought he had the potential to be...the glimpses of the person I wanted as a husband....the moments. Maybe I just am so afraid of being on my own that I haven't even stopped long enough to ask myself if I really want him back. He represents everything I NEVER wanted in a relationship...abusive physically twice, emotionally more times than I can count, abandons us at every turn, his family is crazy and intrusive, he deserted his first children and now our children....a history of drug abuse and incarceration...everything polar opposite of who I am...he fooled me well and I fooled myself even more.
> 
> I hate him for hurting my children...and at the same time I hate myself for wanting him back so my children have him... I hate him for not being the man I wanted him to be and I hate myself as much for putting us all in a situation where I knew how he was and still married him.
> 
> I wish I could just feel one way or another from day to day...I wish I didn't feel a need for him to approve of me...when I don't approve of him at all or anything he's done. You know what I was thinking of earlier....I was married for 14 yrs in my first marriage....he met someone at work and left for her....I met my current husband 3 years later....I thought enough time to have 'moved on' and dealt with it all. My current H has always been a runner....any stress/conflict and blam he's gone home to mommy. A few days later he would be back. I realized that maybe the reason I put up with it was because in some twisted way I was getting something from it. He would leave me....I would go through all the suffering and hurt but then he would come back...he would love me again. My first husband never came back... Maybe I'm as ill'n as him lol or maybe I had my first epiphany about all this....


Melissa, I know exactly what you're going through, except I now know that I don't love my husband; in fact, I don't even like him anymore. I lost respect for him years ago because of the things he did -- namely, the running away and abandoning us over and over again. If it weren't for wrapping up some financial stuff, he would be gone now, because it really is over for us. As it is, we're planning on wrapping up financial stuff and him moving out by summer. It wasn't until my counselor asked me, "Do you even want him back after all of this?" that I let myself look at the other side of things. 

I guess because it's happened too many times that I've given up on worrying about his "potential" because he's proven that he has none. I've seen who he really is too many times to believe anymore that potential lurks behind it. But like you, all the times before when he would walk out the door, I was the one begging him to come back home to us. I felt like I owed it to my kids to work through things -- sorry excuse, I know; that I was obligated by my vows, regardless of what he did, to make this marriage work. I felt like if he didn't come back, no one else would want me; that I would have no market value on the dating scene; that I would never make it on my own. 

When you said you were getting something from it, that's exactly when I had my own epiphany. As much as I hated it, I WAS getting something from it. Each reconciliation period was this huge blatant display of love, a new slew of promises and recommitting, and small glimpses of the man I was sure was in there. Finally, he loved me again. Lo and behold, though, in a matter of weeks, things went back to the way they were, until the next time he walked out the door for weeks on end with no contact with me or the kids. 

Do you ever find it funny that you and I and others in this situation worry so much about being alone, when, because they run, we've already been on our own so many times before? You and I both know we can do this; we've been doing it all along. If your husband is anything like mine -- and it sure sounds like he is -- you probably had very little help day-to-day, very little true emotional support, and have been picking yourself up by your boot straps every single day you were with him, because you knew he couldn't and wouldn't have your back because he'd be running away.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. Your finishing school corresponds beautifully with the timing of all of this so that you CAN take care of yourself and your kids. Just keep telling yourself that you got this and you're going to do just fine. The next time you find yourself crying over him, remind yourself that you are better than this and that he doesn't deserve you. And when he comes sniffing back around -- because it will happen -- before you open the door to your house and your heart again, ask yourself if you really want him.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Btw I have done all of this with my wife AND waffled a few times out of weakness. Let me tell you how I managed to fix things.

After a serious fight a few weeks ago where I called her out on her cheating and belittled the OM it really set me back. But I apologized and showed her I was better than that, I was wrong and it wasn't her fault for having the affair, that this "sort of happened", and I agreed with her feelings. 

Even though I don't agree with her affair, a teacher working three jobs divorcing the man who fed her and her family, and put her through school when her dad walked out, for a alcohol/drug addicted fry cook who will never do what I have done for her; I had to let her know I was OK with this and wouldn't cause any more fights. 

A week after I asked if she wanted her things back and didn't get any responce, I told her I'd hang onto them if she changed her mind. I let her know I'm going to take the higher path and treat her with kindness no matter what. I got a thank you for the messages and a "I'm not sure... give me time" text. I so told her "take your time " in that "act as if" and do nothing philosophy. I am not going to pressure her to feel any different and I will allow her the space she needs to be with him right now. 

........

It's not easy but your spouse needs time away from you to see that the other person isn't who they claimed to be during the chase and won't do for them what you did throughout your entire marriage. Your spouse knows you love them and would do anything for them which is why they don't feel they are giving up much of anything in the affair should it not work out. Without you there giving them comfort and support they will come to terms all on there own whether it be weeks or years from now and realize they gave up on a marriage they could have enjoyed if they contributed instead of pulling out.

I know it hurts and some couples may need to seperate or divorce to realize what they're missing in life isn't all that great, but that doesn't mean you won't be missed. The OW can't take away all the memories he has of you good or bad, though you can make sure he remembers you in a good light when the OW shows her true face and acts like a b****. 

Consider everything you do from now a fresh start and leave all the hurt and anger in the past with that person you used to be. You will show him nothing but kindness and understanding when you talk. Leave all the relationship drama and neediness in the past and talk about friendly stuff for a few minutes a week. Think of him as a little brother calling home from far away. This in order to keep from getting emotionally attached. Hear him out and understand his troubles but don't endlessly reassure him or try to fix any of his problems. Act like everything is going to be ok and then switch topics to something that will leave him happy. He will want to talk to you more often if you make him feel good and leave him happier after hearing from you.

And last but not least, know that if you make a mistake and push him away you can just as easily attract him back, but it's going to take more time and each time you have less room to mess up. Your spouse knows you love them and are making changes, so don't beat yourself up too bad if you should make a mistake. The last impression you made before you stop talking is the most important so apologize and act friendly, don't expect anything in return but be kind because it is the right thing to do.


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## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

The main thing I have learned through all of this, even though I still have my own issues about this whole mess I am in, is that I was blinded by the thought of once I was married there was no such thing as divorce. Not even an ounce of a possibility. We were in it to win it.

I still feel this way, and I am currently getting divorced. How much since does that make? It doesn't.

People do not think and see the same way we do. There is no changing them and we are completely powerless to their choices. This is the risk of marriage I guess, that we all took and some of us live happily ever after and some of us don't.

We need to meet and be with people who know what a marriage vow is. Through sickness and health, good times and bad, Till Death do us part. 

Not sure if this helps you, I am rambling a bit.... but what this all comes down to is this.

-We didn't choose this
-We didn't want this
-There is nothing we can do about it
-And it is OK to let go

For most of us here, we hold onto when it was good. That good is not here anymore. All we have now is pain and hardship. Why are we still grasping at that? 

Beats the hell out of me, but its a cold hard fact that if we live in the now and really take a step back, what are we really holding on to?

Here is what I am holding on to

-A cheater
-Someone who lacks empathy
-Someone who tells me she feels like she is the man and I am the woman because I cry and show emotion about this divorce.
-Someone who lacks empathy
-Someone who blames all her problems on me. (It is my fault she has stretch marks from having a child)
-Someone who doesn't believe in marriage
-Someone that I now believe is incapable of a long lasting loving relationship.

I probably should let that go. But of course, there is still a big part of me that is going to miss all that... 

Neat.


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## smith9800 (Mar 7, 2012)

melissa68 said:


> My H has been gone 7 weeks now after walking out on me and the kids. In that time, the only communication has been negative...my calling and crying/asking why? how could he? to come home...lets fix this. And he responding with negatives....increasingly mean and cruel until I recently found out he has someone he is having an affair with...though I do not know if its online or real life....and to what extent. We have had no contact at all since 2/28 when I found out minus one email by me to tell him that I separated the car ins policies.
> 
> My question is, how should I be handling things? Do I just continue to not call/contact him knowing he probably never will himself. Do I try to make contact and show a different side...no more anger or tears. I was thinking I should call and be as nice as I could...calm and just state things matter of factly....that as much as I would like us to work on our marriage, that if he is not able to do that then we should move forward with filing a legal separation as I need to protect the rights of the children etc....
> Help....I dont know what to do...Its so hard to just have no contact but I know logically that it means nothing if I'm the only one reaching out and hes continually pushing me away.


I can understand your situation, when my gf separated, i felt same. I tried once but she refuse. I think you should also try once, if you think there is a hope. If he refuses, then you must focus on your rest life...


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Melissa- I know this is tough- its tough for me too, but like justwhy told me why would you want someone that dosent want you. He not only left you but walked away from your kids, thats terrible. You deserve an equal partner in life not just another person to take care of. Be strong- I will be thinking of you today


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

I am so very glad that I did not try and contact him yesterday as this is what I woke up to this morning from him:


once again you take whats not yours and leave nothing..well i hope you got everything becouse that was my last check...thanks again!..maybe you dont think so but i got to pay bills too and i cant when you put your fat fingers in and just take what you want. i do not work for superlite anymore they closed...you happy now...i had 295 in that bank to pay the car payment and you took it again...i had to pay my perents back from the last time you did this...that was all i had left..8 ****ing dallors...look i dont support kyle..i support dylan...you need to stay out of my money..its not yours...understand that! clear enough for you!...you need something for dylan...i will get it for you...you dont help yourself to my money again...i will be calling CPS and the IRS today...if you cant take care of dylan then i will see to it that i do! you need to put 295 back in the bank today and stay the **** out of it! have a great day.

After no contact whatsoever since I confronted him about the OW on 2/28 this is what I get. What a guy.
He got paid on friday...woke up at the crack of dawn to drain the account before I 'could get my fat fingers in it'. Atm withdrawal, cash back from a store, filling his gastank....managed to take out over 900. I paid ONE bill...the cable bill out of the joint acct. His big contribution. I started a response back and then realized why? why should I even respond.....I won't....my response will be paperwork filed with the courts....I dont care if I have to eat the fee to file....what a jerk


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## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

Exactly don!t response .. Please hurry up & file for child support before he close the account. He is Jerk. Good for you for keeping yourself afloat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

I wish I could say I stuck to it but I sent an email back....wasted words I know....and just more 'reason' in his mind to hate me...how dare I not feel bad for him and respond to his threats! Please notice the sarcasm there...I am planning on filing tmw....I've had enough.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

melissa68 said:


> once again you take whats not yours and leave nothing..well i hope you got everything becouse that was my last check...thanks again!..maybe you dont think so but i got to pay bills too and i cant when you put your fat fingers in and just take what you want. i do not work for superlite anymore they closed...you happy now...i had 295 in that bank to pay the car payment and you took it again...i had to pay my perents back from the last time you did this...that was all i had left..8 ****ing dallors...look i dont support kyle..i support dylan...you need to stay out of my money..its not yours...understand that! clear enough for you!...you need something for dylan...i will get it for you...you dont help yourself to my money again...i will be calling CPS and the IRS today...if you cant take care of dylan then i will see to it that i do! you need to put 295 back in the bank today and stay the **** out of it! have a great day.


Please allow me to clarify. I just love translating crazy into english!  So appearently you popped the genie out of the bottle when you exposed his A and he's been looking for reasons to push you away. This much is a given with almost every affair. He's been acting pretty stingy lately planning on this perfect life whith her which isn't going to well or else he wouldn't be so worried about you getting a few hundred to pay bills. And I think the reason why is because he doesn't have a job! Since when do well off people have to pay their own parents back?

Do not respond to him anymore than you have to. H knows he doesn't deserve any kind words while h is acting like this. And yes he is being a jerk right now, but don't rush into anything just yet. You could make matters worse by rushing into paperwork and him retaliating with courtordered threats, false claims, and dragging CPS into things. That's why I would just advise you let the dust settle as much as possible for the next three weeks and really think about filing again after that time. That way you have a chance to say "look I said some things, you said some things, I'm sorry let's not make this any more messy than this has to be....".:smthumbup:

You will be better able to handle this like mature adult role models with enough time to cool off and assess what you are really upset with each other about. I think this has more to do with him blaming you for his "greener pastures" not working out than it does for you taking money. Of course men hate having money taken away from them because it represents a sense of accomplishment but you can't expect to hold onto every last bit when you have responsibilities and kids to feed. You were right to take that money for your non selfish needs but I wouldn't rely on him to give you another penny without a court order in play.


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Hi I am going through the same thing. Seems like every time I call or text him, he just feels more empowered. I guess the best thing to do is not to call, but it's difficult with kids, isn't it? The thing is I get the feeling like when you talk to him a) it makes him feel wanted by not just you, but you and her, so he'll keep at it because it makes him feel empowered b) you bring them closer together by creating a you vs. them situation... you give them a common enemy to resist and bond over. What I did is I told him to call me once he's done with her. I told him I bet my life on it and that I will be here forever whether he wants it or not because of the kids. The only difference is I don't want my H back, as I need to keep some shred of self-esteem. If is willing to leave the kids and me, then he can simply **** himself. Let me know how you go, yeah?
Good luck.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

melissa68 said:


> I wish I could say I stuck to it but I sent an email back....wasted words I know....and just more 'reason' in his mind to hate me...how dare I not feel bad for him and respond to his threats! Please notice the sarcasm there...I am planning on filing tmw....I've had enough.


Melissa,

Repeat after me.

"Wrong is right"

You are to blame. He's the victim.

This is truly how his emotions inform him.

Anything you send just feeds this.


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

Nsweet said:


> So you want to talk to your H but every time you do you cry or pressure him in some way until you both argue and he doesn't want to call anymore. He expects you to keep acting like this every time you call based on your last impression, so he doesn't pick up or respond to your texts anymore. Well you can change all that today....
> 
> For the most part this is one of those "do nothing" situations where he is best left alone to decide for himself, and you have more time than you realize to influence him. You can leave a positive lasting impresion tonight by agreeing with his feelings and NOT giving him anything to resist you with.
> 
> ...


I wish you were right, Nsweet  !!!


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