# I'm the cheater...



## Badwife (May 5, 2009)

Long story in a nutshell...I've been married less than 6 months (2nd Marriage) and had an affair. It was 3 lunches with an old friend, talking and one time of actual sex. H found out 10 days later and I ended it gladly. I had no feelings for OM and it was purly a matter of feeling like my marriage wasn't all I thought it could be. Rather than talking to H I acted out and did little to cover my tracks. I'm relieved it's over and want desparately to save my marriage. 

Of course his feelings are all over the place from anger, to despair to sadness. I try to just let him be. What else can I do? We are in therapy together, which he resents. We have leased a house until the end of the year and he has vowed to stay at least until then. So I see that I have roughly 6 months to prove that nothing like this will happen again. He has found out many lies I told before we were married about men I was with when we were not in a committed relationship and all these things add up to pure betrayal from me. 

Please don't think that I don't completely understand what a horrible person I am and that he deserves better than me. And I know only time will tell what he will decide. Im going crazy knowing that not only is our marriage on the cusp of dying but that I killed it with my stupid ego of needing to feel wanted and desired. 

Any thoughts of how I can stay in his life without pushing him? I feel like if I don't talk/text/email him he thinks I don't care (which he has said) but yet I'm running out of things to say to him. You know, a matter of trying to find just the right thing to break down the wall around him. 

He told me today he is lonely and hurt and I told him I understood and feel the isolation as well. I can't believe my life has come to this...

Thank you for reading this far....


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

After being at the other side of an affair i can totally understand how he feels unloved lonely betrayed just a few of the feelings he will be going through as well as anger frustration and hurt ! 
The first thing i wanted was a full screening to insure that no std were brought into our home ..yes that includes aids 

If you want to save your marriage then you have to become totally transparent he needs your log in details your phone details and you need to let him know exactly where you are 24 /7 .

My marriage did recover and we are happy it took a lot of time and loads of open honest talking ... if you really want this to work then tell him that you plan to recover his trust and just hope that he allows you to


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## Badwife (May 5, 2009)

That is what I've done....become an open book. I have no problem with that. I know it will take time and I'm not a patient person by nature. He says he's not sure he will stay or go so at least I have hope. He's asked me to move into the spare bedroom but sometimes he asked to have dinner together or watch TV and I take what I can get when he gives it and ask for no more. 

Thanks for your response.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

I know its not easy , but why did you have the affair ?

It take a lot of time and patients he will go through different feelings sometimes he will want you others he will push you away and even hate you .

give him time and space and continue to be totally open


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Ouch. 

Well, before you get many ‘spirited’ replies from those that have been on the receiving end of betrayal, I have to ask; Why on Earth should he trust you, when it seems you apparently cannot trust yourself?

Do you have any reasonable notion of what it is that compels you to behave this way? I’m going to guess that your first marriage ended with similar circumstances?

I can’t possibly imagine that living a life of lies and deception in the pursuit of feeling fulfilled and gratified is either fulfilling, or gratifying.


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

You might want to read my post the road back from infidelity. I posted it because there is so few post on here from a cheater who desired to make it all work out again.

It has been a long road but it is working for us.

Good luck


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## Badwife (May 5, 2009)

My first marriage ended because he was abusive and I had had enough. However, I think my self esteem was damaged. He was more verbally abusive than anything else and called me "fat", "stupid"...you get the picture. 

My new H was not always forthcoming with compliments and OM was. We went to high school together and I was his "dream girl" so you can imagine what that did to my ego. I think I wanted to shake up my H. I've been told by my therapist that I'm a drama junkie and never "happy" with the norm of life. I'm more happy when things are "crazy" hence I don't know how to be happily married. I just wish I had sat down with H and told him about my issues and worked on them with him.


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## COFLgirl (Oct 9, 2008)

I was also on the other end of the affair-the BS. You are in for a rough ride...since you have only been married for 6 months, do you think it might be better just to get a divorce? 

IC is definitely needed so that you can figure out what led you to make this decision (to have an affair).

Despite the fact that what you did is so very wrong, I don't want to say anything that will make you feel worse. I think you are in enough pain and I can sense from your posts that you feel genuinely remorseful.

Hang on though, these forums can be really tough on cheaters-especially wives who cheat. I think it comes down to that old double-standard...men who cheat are studly, women who cheat are sl**s. This is not my opinion...I think most cheating comes from incredibly poor judgment, a mistake in some cases.

Good luck to you...please be kind, patient and loving to your husband. I've been where he is now and it hurts like h*ll.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Let him go. Just by your two posts, its easy to see that you're counselor was right. You don't feel normal if the world isn't coming to an end. Your previous marriage was a continual drama obviously. Also, though your posts say all the right things. I sense a real dispassion in you. If I'm wrong forgive me. But based upon the cavalier way you post, I take it that you are no stranger to infidelity either. Did you cheat in your first marriage and subsequent relationships? I mean you have been married 6 months and your having sex with another guy. And you think leaving your husband alone is how you're going to win him back?

Have you tried the mascara and snot running down your face, begging his forgiveness strategy? Which is called con-tri-tion. Or did you pretty much just say, "oh, yes, I am afraid I did have sex with another guy. By the way, what did you want for dinner tonight?"


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## cielglitter (May 8, 2009)

I´ve read that fidelity is harder for women that it is for men, according to scientists:
Woman To Woman


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## Private Eye Wife (May 8, 2009)

I agree with Initfortheduration - walk away & get help for yourself so you will be in a better position for your own benefit.


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## Tr000thSeeker (May 11, 2009)

End it while you have no children with him. It's probably the easiest path.


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## They Call Me Smooth (May 5, 2009)

Right now I doubt I am in the best position to give advise as my wife and I just got back together from her online cheating but I will try.

If your husband is anything like me, the moment you go anywhere and take longer then it should he will start to wonder. If any history or txt are deleted he will start to wonder. Any time you hang up the phone when he walks into the room, any time you close a window down when he comes near the computer, any time you do anything that feels like deception he will start to wonder.

Wonder can be a bad thing. What happens is you start thinking what was she doing. Then it starts to grow and soon it brings up the memory and all the emotions he felt the moment he found out. Basically he will be reliving that event over and over again. For how long? Who knows. 

Each person is different and not everything with every one can be fixed.

Good luck.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

COFLgirl said:


> Hang on though, these forums can be really tough on cheaters-especially wives who cheat. I think it comes down to that old double-standard...men who cheat are studly, women who cheat are sl**s. This is not my opinion...I think most cheating comes from incredibly poor judgment, a mistake in some cases.


I don't have th impression that men get a pass for cheating on these forums at all. Nor should they. However, I don't think that you (original poster) get a pass for being a cheating wife.

You deliberately chose to destroy your marriage within its first year. It was no accident.

You have a problem with boundaries. I think you ought to get your marriage annulled since you still do not trust your impulse control. You owe the man you married a chance at a happy life. If you cannot even keep it together for a year, imagine yourself five years from now? Ten? 20?

You do not have it in you for the long haul of a marriage.

Set him free and continue pursuing short-term destructive sexual liaisons.


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