# No longer attracted or want to be around him



## justtoolate (Jul 17, 2011)

My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years, been together/living together for about 6 years. We have always had a good relationship meaning we didn't ever really argue, got a long pretty well. We never really talked about deep issues and when we did, he would get pissed, so I would drop it. 

Over the past 2 years, our sex life has pretty much been non-existent. Twice a month, maybe. I've brought it up, he would say we would work on it, never would. I've brought it up many times. I've spent a fortune on lingerie and other things to enhance sex, and nothing. I sleep naked, nothing. I walk around half naked, or in something really sexy. Nothing. No foreplay when he does want it. Can't remember my last orgasm. It had gotten to a point where I have just shut myself off from him. I had been so hurt by being rejected by my husband so many times, that I have emotionally detached myself from him, and at times, I resent him. I can be at home, and he completely ignores me. Doesn't listen when I talk about things I care about, but expects me to listen to all his stories. 1 kiss a day, maybe. I have to ask for an open mouth kiss....what the heck. 

I've been finding myself happier at work, or out with friends, and dreading going home. He sits on one side of the couch, me on the other. We do not go to bed at the same time. He sleeps way on the other side of the bed. I get more cuddling time with the dog. 

I finally broke down, AGAIN, and brought it up. I told him I was leaving. I just couldn't do it anymore. NOW he wants to change. He broke down in tears saying how he didn't want to lose me. Thing is, now he is becoming clingy. He text me a ton of times when he knew I was at work, got mad when I didn't respond. I was heated. He wants me to drop everything in my life for him. I did that before, and I got nothing in return. A few times actually. I don't want to do that again. I am happy with my life outside of him. He got mad because he came home early to spend time with me, but he KNEW this was the night I go to bed really early cause I have to get up at 3:30am for work. He was mad that I was asleep. Then he took off work, and didn't tell me. Was mad that I had plans. He has been trying to cuddle, but it feels so forced, I just don't enjoy it. I don't "feel" anything when he touches me, except irritation. After all the times he has hurt me, I don't know when, or if I can let myself go with him again. I love him and I do care about him deeply, but I am not in love with him, at all. Everything has become about him. We have different goals in life, and he wants me to drop all of my dreams for his. Of course, now that he knows I want to leave, he is saying otherwise. 

Honestly, it does hurt to leave, but what hurts more is KNOWING how much I am hurting him. I HATE that. I really do. He expects me to instantly be attracted to him overnight, I do not know how long it will take before I am again, if I am ever. 

It doesn't help that my family LOVES him. Though my mom did say maybe a separation would help. But she also said that passion just dies and that is how it is. Well, I don't believe that. I actually think that is sad. We're in our early twenties, for goodness sake. Obviously were just too young for this. Mistake number 1. Rushed into it... Well, won't ever do that again!

Has anyone else been through what I have been through? I am seeing a therapist, but he refuses. I just feel that there comes a point when I have to let go, for my sake. No point in dragging him along...


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## longshot (Jul 17, 2011)

SO much of what you posted hits so close to home. 

It's my wife that isn't sure she loves me anymore, but it's me that's always longed for more in the relationship.

I acted like a jerk for years and didn't pay attention to her. Of course, she wasn't exactly walking around half-naked either, but that's no excuse.

I'll just say this...

I finally snapped out of it. I see her now - really see her. Want her. Love her. Am willing to do ANYTHING to make her happy. Just seems like maybe it's too late for me too.

But I'm the one who says the stuff girls usually say.... Why don't you talk to me? Why don't you want to enjoy foreplay? Sex is about more than just getting off... etc. And I don't know when the last time I got an open mouth kiss was. Maybe never ever a really good one in our whole 10 yrs. 

But I love her. Totally. Want her more than anything else. People change. Sometimes they just figure something out and things make sense once they're put into perspective.

It's really a hard thing for anyone to hear that their partner wants to leave them, so maybe just excuse his neediness and anxiousness for a short time. Consider that in many ways, maybe you're getting some of what you wanted as a result of sharing your frustration. So it's coming with some other unwanted side-effects, but give him a little slack. Change isn't easy. It takes time. 

I wish to God that my wife would be gracious with me right now while I try to balance loving her the way she needs with feeling rejected by her. 

I hope it works out for you. Really, really!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Can he explain why he ignored you and was so distant? If you don't know and he cant tell you I doubt there will be permanent change. 

Are you willing to go to MC? Even if you don't stay together, it will help you both in future relationships. 

I don't know how old you were when you got together but it seems to have been when you were very young. During the late teens and early 20's you change a great deal. Sometimes you grow together but more commonly you grow apart. 

Look at the person he is and decide if you would have selected him as a partner now that you have grown up a bit. You may have gotten together before you were ready to make a commitment.


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## longshot (Jul 17, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Sometimes you grow together but more commonly you grow apart.


And that's why I say give him a chance. Because sometimes you can grow together. To me, there's a marriage at stake. Promises, hopes, feelings.... all make it worth the chance.

Don't cave on what you really want though. If you know you need things that he won't ever be able to give you - that's when it's time to consider it ended. But give him a chance first to see if he's willing to and can change. And yes, like Catherine said - ask him to explain why.

To be honest, after thinking about your post for a while, it concerns me more that you say you're not attracted to him. That's something he can't change in some ways. Just leaves it up to you to decide if what he has to offer is enough.

Again, really, really hope you can work things out.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> To be honest, after thinking about your post for a while, it concerns me more that you say you're not attracted to him. That's something he can't change in some ways. Just leaves it up to you to decide if what he has to offer is enough.


This is called resentment. Women cannot be attracted to a man that they have anger and resentment towards. This takes time for change from him so she can trust it. Then, it takes forgiveness from her and an awareness of her contribution of the condition of the marriage. Trust me in that the woman on this thread HAS contributed to this. It is a cycle that must be broken. In order for things to ultimately work out, it takes humbleness from the man to start to develop the leadership necessary for her to follow. Unfortunately, most men either fail to recognize this or they fall to pride. It is a tough predicament. But, it is all about the man committing to things and becoming the man he was created to be.


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## onepotatotwo (May 17, 2011)

There's no nice way to put it...it's emotionally abusive. Being cold and distant is just as damaging to a woman's ego as being mean and nasty...in fact, of the two I've had, I'd take the mean over the cold anytime...
The thing is that men like this think it's "normal" to live like this and that when we want affection or appreciation for our attempts to seduce *them*, they turn it around to make us seem "needy"...
It's not needy to require love and affection...that's what makes us human. What's not 'normal' is for someone to be cold and emotionally absent but still expect a marriage to work.
I don't know what to tell you except that I haven't seen any permanent changes in my marriage, so I'm planning my exit strategy. Some counselors can get a man to see he's being emotionally distant and teach them to re-learn old patterning so they can become more "warm" and close... My H thinks how we live is normal (including the pillow wall barricade between us in bed) and has no intention of fixing his part of our marriage... So I'm planning to leave.
I hope whatever you decide, you'll just remember that you don't deserve to live with someone who treats you coldly.


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## longshot (Jul 17, 2011)

onepotatotwo;377863
It's not needy to require love and affection...that's what makes us human. What's not 'normal' is for someone to be cold and emotionally absent but still expect a marriage to work.
I don't know what to tell you except that I haven't seen any permanent changes in my marriage said:


> Sometimes it happens without a counselor. Did for me. I was absent for many years and then I snapped out of it and realized what was right in front of me. And then EVERYTHING changed. I always adored my wife, but not I adore her and want to make her desires my first priority.
> 
> And in my marriage, it's me that hates the barricade pillow!! LOL I call it her boyfriend
> 
> Anyways, I just say this because there is always a chance. Maybe slim, but there still. I hope more people try for the seemingly impossible than not.


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## onepotatotwo (May 17, 2011)

longshot said:


> Sometimes it happens without a counselor. Did for me. I was absent for many years and then I snapped out of it and realized what was right in front of me. And then EVERYTHING changed. I always adored my wife, but not I adore her and want to make her desires my first priority.
> 
> And in my marriage, it's me that hates the barricade pillow!! LOL I call it her boyfriend
> 
> Anyways, I just say this because there is always a chance. Maybe slim, but there still. I hope more people try for the seemingly impossible than not.


Thats really such a nice thing what you said about your wife.... It makes me cry because my H would never, ever even under torture say what you just did. Had i heard that even once from my H I would have tried harder....but being emotionally abused for so long I'm just seething with resentment for all my wasted love and efforts. The whole time we've been together i've adored him and expressed my feelings but he's always been a bit cold, and its only gotten worse...

I am guilty of the pillow wall.lol. I couldnt take his snoring (seriously its unreal!). But after a few weeks and a few fights it became a symbol...that I wasnt going to show any bedtime intimace for someone who treated me so cold all day....I dont wanna talk, or even look at him...just wanna pretend he's not there. He hates it and says it prevents him from making any intimate overtures, but thats the point...i dont want any! If we have a nice day and get along maybe I could feel a spark again, but all we do is fight and hate one another so I dont see any reason to take it down permanently. Its come down a cople of times when we did have a good day and had been intimate, but it has been so rare for either thing to happen I've given up and the wall will stay.

You sound like you're trying to be a good husband and you love your W...it kinda sounds like shes where i am in that i just want out, no hard feelings... But i know, had my H put half the effort into our marriage as you have been describing, i would stay and do anything to make it work. I wish you the best in getting your marriage on track . (sorry to hijack this thread lol)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cranejane (Jul 20, 2011)

I know exactly how you feel. Been married for 5 yrs, and I'm only 24. We have a 4 yr old daughter, and I care for him deeply. But almost 5 yrs of emotional abuse is wearing me down. I've slowly come to resent him and find ways to distance myself from him. I've been a stay at home mom this whole time (not something I ever planned on), and I am completely grateful for how hard he works to support us. But I feel as though I am constantly paying for it, rather than being seen as an equal in this marriage. I've wanted out for a couple of years now, even though I still care for him, but I'm affriad of custody battle and all. I have no money, no career, no credit, nothing.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Dedicated2Her said:


> This is called resentment. Women cannot be attracted to a man that they have anger and resentment towards. This takes time for change from him so she can trust it. Then, it takes forgiveness from her and an awareness of her contribution of the condition of the marriage. Trust me in that the woman on this thread HAS contributed to this. It is a cycle that must be broken. In order for things to ultimately work out, it takes humbleness from the man to start to develop the leadership necessary for her to follow. Unfortunately, most men either fail to recognize this or they fall to pride. It is a tough predicament. But, it is all about the man committing to things and becoming the man he was created to be.


I understand what you are feeling, but am also confused on how to get out of it. I agree that it is resentment. And I also agree that we have to be able to forgive our husbands to get some of that back. But, in my case, I wonder if I was ever truly physically attracted to my h??? We got along well, he was my friend, and I think my attraction grew out of that. So, when we started having problems and the things that attracted me to him became less and less, I didn't even have physical attraction to fall back on. I have never been physically attracted to my h. And the hardest thing is explaining my loss of attraction to him without hurting his feelings . Because the other posters are right, some of that is nothing he can change. However, there are things my h and may be your h can do to help that. My h is also a doormat for others. I have grown to resent him because I don't feel protected. Sometimes I even feel like I am the "man" of the family. I feel like I am taking care of him and there is noone to take care of me. We dont' have a sexual relationship. He never initiates. I could go on and on. We tried mc and it failed miserably. Probably should try someone new, but scared to do it again. Anyway, I understand how you can grow to resent your h and not feel attracted to him anymore. What I don't have is answers. Your h probably needs to make some changes and you need to forgive his faults. But, I can't promise that him making changes is going to make you feel attracted to him again. Maybe you just aren't attracted to him. Now that the initial "love" or "puppy love' or "lust" is gone, you realized that you were never truly physically attracted to this man. And if that's the case, i'm sorry, because that is how I feel.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

justtoolate said:


> I finally broke down, AGAIN, and brought it up. I told him I was leaving. I just couldn't do it anymore. NOW he wants to change. He broke down in tears saying how he didn't want to lose me. Thing is, now he is becoming clingy. He text me a ton of times when he knew I was at work, got mad when I didn't respond. I was heated. He wants me to drop everything in my life for him. I did that before, and I got nothing in return. A few times actually. I don't want to do that again. I am happy with my life outside of him. He got mad because he came home early to spend time with me, but he KNEW this was the night I go to bed really early cause I have to get up at 3:30am for work. He was mad that I was asleep. Then he took off work, and didn't tell me. Was mad that I had plans. He has been trying to cuddle, but it feels so forced, I just don't enjoy it. I don't "feel" anything when he touches me, except irritation. After all the times he has hurt me, I don't know when, or if I can let myself go with him again. I love him and I do care about him deeply, but I am not in love with him, at all. Everything has become about him. We have different goals in life, and he wants me to drop all of my dreams for his. Of course, now that he knows I want to leave, he is saying otherwise.


I have to add more after rereading your post. My h did the same exact thing. When I talk to him about it, he promises things will change. Month after month things don't change. Maybe for a day or so, but not in the long run. This last time, he said "just give me one more week." One week of acting different doesn't change the habits he has grown into. I need to see real changes, not just words. And my h also became clingy. Sending me flowers (when he used to NEVER send flowers). He sent lots of flowers in a short period of time. He also called and texted more often. This is great, but it was too clingy. Our mc said my h is co dependent. It seems his every mood and emotion depends on me. Whether he is happy or sad. I can't be his every happiness and sadness. He was going to personal counseling for this, but then quit because he "got better." And I have yet to see many changes with us.

Your h doesn't know how to be without you. He is seeing the error of his ways now and is wanting to make things different but doesn't know how. May be too little too late, but I think I would give him a chance to see if he can change things for the long term.




justtoolate said:


> It doesn't help that my family LOVES him. Though my mom did say maybe a separation would help. But she also said that passion just dies and that is how it is. Well, I don't believe that. I actually think that is sad. We're in our early twenties, for goodness sake. Obviously were just too young for this. Mistake number 1. Rushed into it... Well, won't ever do that again!
> 
> Has anyone else been through what I have been through? I am seeing a therapist, but he refuses. I just feel that there comes a point when I have to let go, for my sake. No point in dragging him along...


Also I feel for your with your posting about your family LOVING him. My family does too with my h. What makes matters worse is his family isn't much of a family and he really loves my family. That's great for him, but then I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place. I don't want to take that away from him. However, if it has to be, it has to be and my family will support me in the end. And my h has to learn to stand on his own two feet and not depend on everyone else for his happiness


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## longshot (Jul 17, 2011)

onepotatotwo said:


> Thats really such a nice thing what you said about your wife.... It makes me cry because my H would never, ever even under torture say what you just did. Had i heard that even once from my H I would have tried harder....but being emotionally abused for so long I'm just seething with resentment for all my wasted love and efforts. The whole time we've been together i've adored him and expressed my feelings but he's always been a bit cold, and its only gotten worse...
> 
> I am guilty of the pillow wall.lol. I couldnt take his snoring (seriously its unreal!). But after a few weeks and a few fights it became a symbol...that I wasnt going to show any bedtime intimace for someone who treated me so cold all day....I dont wanna talk, or even look at him...just wanna pretend he's not there. He hates it and says it prevents him from making any intimate overtures, but thats the point...i dont want any! If we have a nice day and get along maybe I could feel a spark again, but all we do is fight and hate one another so I dont see any reason to take it down permanently. Its come down a cople of times when we did have a good day and had been intimate, but it has been so rare for either thing to happen I've given up and the wall will stay.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry you never got to hear him say the things you hoped for and needed. I get that. Really do. I'm there now. I look for inklings of hope and intimacy to get through the days and weeks. It's rough. Way more disappointing moments than refreshing ones. But in my case, I think she's trying but may be just worn out. She's going through a lot of other changes as well, and as a result, she spends more time and energy thinking about and doing something about the other stuff. I don't feel like her top priority. I'm not sure if it's fair to ask that or not, but it's what I feel and wished were true.

The really sad part for me is that I'm willing to do anything right now. She just wants time to see if her feelings for me come back around. That's devastating to me but there's nothing I can do about it. So I have to just keep trying even though I know I'll get way less back in return. 

I feel like I have to (and really want to) make up for all the years that I wasn't attentive enough, but like someone in a different post said - maybe it's just too late.

I don't blame you for the pillow wall - if you're treated poorly all day, then yeah - pillow up!! I try soooo hard some days to give her everything she wants all day, send her sweet texts here and there starting early in the morning, come home from work and help with everything I can, rescue her from the kids, rub her back when she's hurting, play with her hair, say the nicest things I can... and still sometimes she just doesn't want to be close (even though for me that means making sure SHE gets focused on). I don't know what to do about that. It's not like I can really do anything else other than wait. I'm a giver and a do-er, not a waiter - so it's hard, sad times for me I guess.

I really wish things were better for you too... really. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. And I second the apology for hijacking the thread!!


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## annpurrs (Jul 25, 2011)

Oh my goodness!!!! I never know so many people are actually going through the exact same things!!! This is totally my story right now albeit slightly more drama!! 

We were college lovers...met each other in university...i never had a serious r/s until i met him, never quite been able to commit or just couldnt meet the right guy. He came out of a long r/s. We both hit it off very well. It was passionate during our hot blooded courtship years of coz. It came a point in our r/s where he started working and I'm still studying and he started neglecting me. I'm lonely so I started seeing other men. I must say I have pretty healthy appetite of sex and intimacy which most men would want of their women. I just needed sex and I didnt wanna stress him. 

Then came a point we decided to get married. I decided to confess the past times which even if i didnt, he actually wouldnt even know. But i thought i wanna come clean with him if we really want to get married. He was very hurt but said he love me too much and is willing to let the past go. 

So we got married. 

And its almost like instanteously after we got married, the passion just died!! We are now married 4 years...we hadly had intimacy! We havent had sex for more than 10 times in 4 years...more like once a year on our anniversary trips. Cannot hug or passionate kiss. He just cant do it. He would push me away. I tried all ways to initiate. I did the same things...bought a lot of sexy lingerie, set up atmosphere and mood. Choose really relax day, make sure everything is in order. He surely wouldnt deny me. But no...he would reject me! And its not like he will tell me no i dont want to make love, he would literally roll off the bed when i tried touching him. He always say its work stress and hes tired. 

I give him benefit of doubt coz in initial years of our marriage he indeed went through a lot of work stress. But i waited for him patiently. Giving him a lot of room and space. Even in the miserable few times we could make out, he seems so uncomfortable and akward which makes me feel really bad. He wouldnt cuddle me, touch me or show any form of intimacy. Even when he knows full well I'm a very touchy person. I feel loved with touch and intimacy. 

Time after time of denial and rejection, I started to grow cold and resentful. I am very hurt. The funny thing is he does love me a lot a lot. He would be at my beck and call and would do everything to please and serve me. He would be the perfect husband that my whole family and every friend would adore. He would fetch me and send me to wherever i want anytime i want. Cooks for me, even lunches to work, cleans the house and laundry...everything! Everyone will tell me how blessed a woman I am. Of coz I didnt and couldnt go ard and tell people hes not having sex with me! 

So i always give him the credit that hes excellent in all other departments except intimacy. I bare with it, be very very patient. 

Then I couldnt take it anymore. I went through really down period. How could this man says he loves me so much but dont desire of me? Not wanting any part of me? I get very confused and disturbed! We quarreled a lot of times over this. He said he would change but time after time I'm still disappointed. But hes really a very good man in all aspects. I feel really lost. He provides for me in all other aspects. I dont know if i could leave him. 

So i decided that if its sex and intimacy that i want, i can go for one night stand. I will come home happy and satisfied. I wont stress him and prefect. So i did that for a while. Again, he didnt suspect anything. I was satisfied for a while. But growing increasingly very angry with him. Why must he put me through all this suffering? Why cant he just love me the way husbands should? Why must he be so nice that I cant leave him yet he dont appreciate or cherish me? Talking about this with him is useless coz each time he says he'll change he never. 

I never thought of leaving him earlier is also because i meet a lot of jerks more than good guys which made me believe leaving my hub wont make me happier either. 

Until a few months ago, i met an excellent guy. We hit it off in every aspect. in and out of bed. its mind boggling. and hes exceptional and not just out to play and he loves me a lot. Becoz of this guy, he made me see that there are such men out there who could love me for who I am! But i still wasnt prepared to leave my husband. 

Then my husband found out about us when he picked up my phone one day. His world came crashing down. But he said he loves me a lot and is willing to let the past go if I wanna work out our marriage. he confessed that he has been holding on a lot in the past in terms of sex and he has realized its coz he hasnt really let go of my cheating before we got married. I'm furious and mad. why am i penalized for it for the 4 years we are married! if he couldnt let go he shouldnt have married me. married me then treating me so coldly...thats just brutal and cruel. 

cant blame me for seeking comfort elsewhere right. yes i shouldnt have. but i stuck it out for 4 years! and i have never quite been a commited faithful sort. 4 years is a longggg time!! constantly being denied by ur husband! imagine that. 

my feelings for him is completely eroded. 

after he found out that theres another man...and the marriage is on the rocks...he became very touchy and keep wanting to have sex. how disgusting is that!! he said he dont wanna hold back anymore. excuse me!! after all this...and my heart is no longer here! NOW suddenly he can do it...very funny...

I have no remorse for the affair...I am still very much in love with this guy but we decided not to see each other for time being until i sort things out. But i really dont wanna work out my marriage anymore. I'm just full of anger and resentment. 

And if the past 4 years of denial is coz of his unforgiveness...what makes him say that he can forget about all this when i cheated on him a 2nd time...he said he could...how can i believe!! 

what if i give him another chance...and he dragged me along for another few years!!! by then i'll be too old to go anywhere else!! is that fair?! we dont have children now...i dont wan to have kids with him when we have all this problems...so crazy! and i needed walk out before we have kids and its too late! 

but the whole world's against me right now. my family and friends adore him and cannot understand my pains. and yes its wrong of me to stray. my mistake is really not leaving him earlier...people kept telling me that i have made a vow and i should stick with it no matter what. i should try again. how to try again!!!! and i dont wanna waste time. i dont see how is this possible. i hate him for all the pains i went thru...now that my heart finally stops bleeding...he wanna get back! what rubbish! and yet, i'm like a sinner to people. which makes me even more angry! at same time, he also cant get past trust issues. then how to try again!!!! 

anyway i'm seriously considering separation and divorce. but yet i cant bare to do it. more coz of what people would say. everyone says I'll sure to regret letting go such a good man. i duno if i'm making a wrong decision. after all hes really a good man. and he said he'll try. i just dont have faith it'll work. and more importantly i dont even wanna face him now. 

lost! not sure what to do...


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)




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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

@ANNPURRS

It sounds like you guys had difficulties before you married, which probably has continued to affect your marriage. However, I think he should've been honest with you that the affairs bothered him so much. You've spent all this time thinking it was your problem...that there was something you could do to make it better, and he wasn't opening up about the real problem. 

I can understand how you were drawn to another man. Especially after that long. 10 times in 4 years is similar to my 3 times in 1 year. It just doesn't make sense. I'm sorry that you have gone through this.

If you are truly unhappy and have tried all you can to make it work, maybe you should move on. But, I would weight the options carefully. Make sure that you are moving on for the right reasons and not just for this other guy.


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