# I need your help



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I was originally going to PM a couple of members but would like a wider range of replies.

Background: We have been together 4 plus yrs.
Both from past marriages of around 20 yrs.
Mine was passionless.
He was married to a woman clinically diagnosed with several/serious mental health issues.

We have built a great life together, we just fit, sex life is excellent.
We are a blended family with 5 teens and doing pretty well with it all. They all live part time with their other bio parents, my relationship with my ex is amicable and very flexible when it comes to the kids.
His relationship with his ex is strained and when it comes to his kids and seeing them it is at her mercy as to what happens.

So the issue: there is one thing that keeps coming up and it is really causing a big problem, our lives are busy, complicated and no where near routine with so many kids/work/ other commitments.
I am all good with this, I don't like routine but what I do need is to know what is going on for the next few days, I like to be kept in the loop and told what is happening with time with his kids/our time together.
His ex is a complete PITA and changes are often made with him having his kids, that is their problem but it impacts on me when he doesn't keep me up to date.

I feel it is disrespectful to not be informed of what is happening, this is my life too.
All he has to do is send me a quick txt when he finds out if the schedule has changed (she usually calls him last minute at work). I cannot get him to understand my deep need (maybe irrational?) to be kept in the loop.

Regardless of if my need is rational or not the thing that really pisses me off is that all he has to do is take 30 seconds to send a txt to let me know what is going on. I feel that I am not important enough or that he completely dismisses this need I have because it is not important to him.

In the big scheme of life this probably sounds silly to some but honestly I am getting mighty pissed about it. I need to be kept in the loop, it feels like he cannot be bothered to do that, in turn I feel disrespected.

Anyone got anything for me?


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## Big Dude (Feb 24, 2013)

Holland said:


> So the issue: there is one thing that keeps coming up and it is really causing a big problem, our lives are busy, complicated and no where near routine with so many kids/work/ other commitments.
> I am all good with this, I don't like routine but what I do need is to know what is going on for the next few days, I like to be kept in the loop and told what is happening with time with his kids/our time together.
> His ex is a complete PITA and changes are often made with him having his kids, that is their problem but it impacts on me when he doesn't keep me up to date.
> 
> ...


I don't think your need to know what is going on in your complicated family life is irrational at all. My life is much simpler and I would be upset as well at this sort of thing.

Maybe I am misunderstanding the problem, but if these changes are disrupting your plans, then I would suggest a policy of going through with any plans you have made without accommodating any unannounced changes, even if the outcome would be sub optimal. Make it clear that you will be happy to be more flexible if and when you are more informed. 

Other than that, I've got nothing for you except sympathy and hope that he will see the importance of basic consideration in time.

Good luck! What a tight spot!


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Create a rapport w his ex and you two communicate directly. Problem solved


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

lol Big Dude and Dude007, lots of dudes.


I am very flexible and understand daily life changes, that his ex can make life difficult and that unless we have tickets or an event booked then a change with the kids is no big deal. I don't get upset if things change but I am starting to get really pissed off with the lack of being informed. I have a need to feel important and as the other adult in this relationship I have a right to be kept in the loop.
We are at an impass with this because it is causing me to feel resentful, not because of the lack of being kept up to date but by his ****ty attitude to my need. It is becoming all about me feeling disrespected now. Ugh I wish I could explain it better.

I feel that there is only one answer, that he keeps me informed at my level of need, not when it suits him. 30 seconds for a txt is not too much to ask.

As for communicating with his ex, I tried to befriend her but this woman is on the extreme end of MH issues. For the sake of me and my kids best interests I pulled the pin on having anything to do with her a while ago.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Elaborate on the mh issues. I'm curious


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Holland said:


> Anyone got anything for me?


Hi Holland. What you're asking for is very reasonable. If you explain it to him as simply as you posted it here then he needs to step up because it's not too much to ask for. Just make sure to be really clear about the problem being the erratic schedule and not the kids themselves. Bio parents have a way of spinning everything into "you don't like my kids".


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## Big Dude (Feb 24, 2013)

Holland said:


> lol Big Dude and Dude007, lots of dudes.
> 
> 
> I am very flexible and understand daily life changes, that his ex can make life difficult and that unless we have tickets or an event booked then a change with the kids is no big deal. I don't get upset if things change but I am starting to get really pissed off with the lack of being informed. I have a need to feel important and as the other adult in this relationship I have a right to be kept in the loop.


Based on what you have posted elsewhere about this man, I really doubt he means to disrespect you. He may well be feeling overwhelmed with trying to get out of work and getting blindsided yet again by psycho-ex, and that texting you the latest update (especially if it will not disrupt any known plans) is an unreasonable expectation on your part. Not saying it's right, but I'm a dude and think like a dude.

I do get the feeling of disrespect, and the idea that since you feel disrespected that alone should be enough for him to be more thoughtful. Still, since dudes like to solve concrete problems, frame your concerns as a problem for him to solve. For example "I am juggling this family thing, just like you. I have a lot of balls in the air and don't want to drop any. When you text me about any changes I feel more confident I can juggle well. When you don't, I'm afraid I'm going to drop one someday."

Then I would drop a few, just to f*** with him. Then he has a problem to solve.

Just food for thought.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So he knows how you feel yet chooses to ignore it. Why do you suppose he makes the conscious decision not to inform you? It's my feeling that it is a conscious decision on his part. Please correct that if you disagree.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Holland, some good ideas above.

If everything else is good in the relationship, choose your battles well. General rule is if 80% is good, do not sweat the 20%.

I'm not saying to not work on changing this. Just do not make it an issue that harms a good thing.

Is there any way to get him to start communicating with her more via email or text. It's even easier to forward something like that.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Holland,

There is nothing silly about this. Nothing irrational. 

He is embarrassed. She's fvcking with him, and as we both know this is very, very hard to prevent via court intervention. My guess is that she stays just short of the the bright line where a judge would confidently say: I'm going to intervene if this continues

So he feels emasculated. And the last thing he wants to do is report back to you that he/and indirectly you are being fvcked over YET again by his ex. 

And the thing is - the more angry this whole situation gets you - the more aggravating it is to him. 

So - honest question - when he does tell you in a timely way, are you:
1. Supportive - as in - ok no sweat we can work around that. 
2. Openly Angry at the situation 
3. Openly angry at him for not being 'tougher' with her
4. A mix of all (3)

How much longer before the kids can drive and this issue starts to go away? 

She's trying to disrupt your relationship. Don't let her win. 




Holland said:


> I was originally going to PM a couple of members but would like a wider range of replies.
> 
> Background: We have been together 4 plus yrs.
> Both from past marriages of around 20 yrs.
> ...


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> Holland,
> 
> There is nothing silly about this. Nothing irrational.
> 
> ...


Just took my daughter for a bike ride, is a great day and a good way to clear my head.

I think you are spot on here MEM, he feels emasculated by her, he has walked on egg shells for so many years and yes I think there is some embarrassment thrown in there.

To answer your question it is #4 and to my shame I am handling this is in a worse way as time goes on. This is becoming a battle field for me. I have stood back when it comes to his relationship with his ex, she has done some really crappy things over the years and I am careful to not add to the stress of this part of his life.

But now this issue is more about what I perceive to be his lack of consideration for me. The one thing that I need above all else is to feel important, I actually have an unbalanced need for this but decided that this is me and I am OK with that. I am not asking him to change any plans for me, to see his kids less, not go to school things with his ex, not go on holidays with just him and his kids. All I want is for him to keep me in the loop.
I cannot let it go bc it has become about him indirectly showing me that I am not important enough. I know this is not the reality, I know I am important enough but each time this happens my head spins out of control. 

I don't want this to be something that pushes us apart but as I cannot let it go I really need him to meet this need of mine. How do I do that so it is a win/win?

As for the kids driving and being independent, the youngest is 13 so a few years to go. I really don't want them to grow up too fast, this isn't about the kids, I would have them all at home full time for as long as they want.

This is about my resentment towards his ex, poor form on my part yes.
And me starting to resent him for being weak with her.
Also him not doing something so simple as to txt me and keep me informed, it feels disrespectful and that I am not important.
And part of me has an internal story that because she is so difficult that he bows to her for the sake of peace but I am more flexible that he takes me for granted. It pisses me off because it should be the other way around, he should tell her to nick off and be so happy to be with someone that adores him and wants to have an exceptional life with him.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Holland, some good ideas above.
> 
> If everything else is good in the relationship, choose your battles well. General rule is if 80% is good, do not sweat the 20%.
> 
> ...


Thanks EG, that is exactly what my Dad said, 80% plus is good here so why I am I getting in a knot about this?

It is like he has honed in on my major weakness, the need to feel important. This needs to be fixed. I am going to take all the advice here and work out the best way to approach this with Mr H. Look he is a wonderful person, I know that, we are a great match but there is something odd going on here that we are really struggling with.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> So he knows how you feel yet chooses to ignore it. Why do you suppose he makes the conscious decision not to inform you? It's my feeling that it is a conscious decision on his part. Please correct that if you disagree.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks LTS

this is an interesting question. I cant work this out, he is a good man, would never intentionally hurt me but he can be completely daft at times. Maybe we have a battle of the wills going on here?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Dude007 said:


> Elaborate on the mh issues. I'm curious


Hi Dude

his ex has BPD, anxiety disorder, chronic fatigue. She is under professional care. She has not work out of the home for 15 yrs and has a family history of MH issues. She has a very dysfunctional family and childhood from what I understand.

A couple of yrs ago we met and got along well, she was keen to meet me as Mr H and I were about to take the kids on an overseas trip, fair enough.
I am pretty clueless when it comes to MH issues but I felt distrusting of her motive from very early on so never got buddy buddy with her. Just kept the peace for every ones sake.

As time went on it became clear that she is very manipulative and has done some things that have caused me to keep my distance, I would not trust her with any information about my or my kids lives, I would not trust her with anything.

Anyway I could go on and on but bottom line is that she does not live on the same planet as the rest of us.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Big Dude said:


> Based on what you have posted elsewhere about this man, I really doubt he means to disrespect you. He may well be feeling overwhelmed with trying to get out of work and getting blindsided yet again by psycho-ex, and that texting you the latest update (especially if it will not disrupt any known plans) is an unreasonable expectation on your part. Not saying it's right, but I'm a dude and think like a dude.
> 
> I do get the feeling of disrespect, and the idea that since you feel disrespected that alone should be enough for him to be more thoughtful. Still, since dudes like to solve concrete problems, frame your concerns as a problem for him to solve. *For example "I am juggling this family thing, just like you. I have a lot of balls in the air and don't want to drop any. When you text me about any changes I feel more confident I can juggle well. When you don't, I'm afraid I'm going to drop one someday."
> *
> ...


I really like what you have said here. Sadly I have not handle things so well lately and have gone into ***** mode, I hate it, I regret it but almost feel like I am being pushed into behaving badly. Not good enough on my part I know.

I will try and frame the way I speak about this in a similar way to what you have said here. Thank you


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Holland said:


> Thanks EG, that is exactly what my Dad said, 80% plus is good here so why I am I getting in a knot about this?
> 
> It is like he has honed in on my major weakness, the need to feel important. This needs to be fixed. I am going to take all the advice here and work out the best way to approach this with Mr H. Look he is a wonderful person, I know that, we are a great match but there is something odd going on here that we are really struggling with.


Is there something else he can do to make you feel important.

Sometimes, when we latch on to something like this it's because there is a another thing that we are avoiding.. it's safer to complain about this topic instead of topic xyz. It's just a thought.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Holland,
Your core strength comes from that intense relationship you have with the truth. You are brutally honest about yourself - and place a high premium on that with others. 

Likely this was amplified by all the deceit your H engaged in during your first marriage. 

So I'm going to take you for a stroll, in the hopes that you can take a deep breath and follow along here. 

First and foremost we'll wander around in his head for a bit, then come back to yours. 

He is afraid of her in a way we - (you and I) - will never understand. He isn't quite sure what she might do if provoked. And I don't think he's worried so much about himself. More so what mind (or worse) games she may start playing with the kids to 'get' at him. And he is totally vulnerable to this. So he is desperately hoping to get to the 'end game' without her escalating to .... And there you have the ugly dilemma. She lost this game. And this is someone who'd do crazy shlt over losing a board game. 

So unless she is escalating, he simply tolerates a low level of ongoing abuse for the greater good. 

He's afraid and honestly, having watched enough episodes of the TV series 'snapped', I think he is wise to show restraint in these situations. 

-------
Back to you. So I'm going to make a leap here, and you are welcome to correct me if I'm wrong. The leap is that you and M2 share a profound aversion to a 'weak' partner. 

I have countless 'internal' scars from all the situations where M2 was furious with me for not being 'tougher' with folks who were behaving badly in a way that impacted us, or her. She wanted blood and had a hard time understanding that - mostly I focused on the result I wanted. 

Often I would say: We were here - trying to get there. And now we are 'there'. And M2 would say: but that person deserved to get....

Now and then I'd say what was true. Babe, if I did what I really wanted to do in the moment, you'd be visiting me in prison by now. 

-----------
So all that said the script looks like this: I know you are handling a difficult situation in the way you believe is best for everyone involved. Going forward I will accept that and console myself with the thought that each year that passes, weakens her ability to cause disruption. All I ask is this. If she starts to escalate, I want you to go see a lawyer. I'll live with whatever you two decide, but I need to know that if it worsens you will get a professional opinion. 

Separate from that, I'm promising not to get angry at YOU when this stuff happens. I won't grill you about what you are going to do. In return I want you to tell me ASAP. Just the new schedule, not why. Not what you did or didn't do. Just the facts. Can you do that for me? Because I will get angry if I don't warrant at least that amount of consideration. 






Holland said:


> Just took my daughter for a bike ride, is a great day and a good way to clear my head.
> 
> I think you are spot on here MEM, he feels emasculated by her, he has walked on egg shells for so many years and yes I think there is some embarrassment thrown in there.
> 
> ...


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## Idun (Jul 30, 2011)

> It is like he has honed in on my major weakness, the need to feel important.


For one thing, you are making it about YOU when it's not i.e. it's like you think he is purposely doing it to make you feel unimportant! When more likely he avoids telling you, to try and avoid making himself feel worse, and inadequate.

Secondly, the 'need to feel important' can be undermined in thousands of ways, and is very vague! Any time he does something that bothers you it could 'make you feel unimportant'. He will be walking around on eggshells with you soon too - if he's afraid of upsetting you because your insecurity, or something else compels you take things personally when they're not a reflection on how he feels about you.

Perhaps you could study the book The 5 Love Languages - work out what each of your top love languages is, and make sure you 'speak' to each other in the ways that mean the most to the other person. Perhaps your Love Bucket is a little empty because one of your main love languages goes unfulfilled? And he may not realise, because he is used to using his own main love languages. Hence these kind of things make you feel worse than you should, making him feel worse, and feeding the cycle.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Consider this..... you being flexible with the kids/jobs/activities might be the biggest thing he loves about you. MAYBE he takes it for granted sometimes, because you ARE flexible and things work out when you are there. Soooooooo......part of it may be the fact that he just knows you will be ok with whatever the change is so no big deal, and part of it has to be that he doesn't want to look diminished in front of (or to) you. 

We have a blended family, 7 kids all in their 20's now. And we have that awesome marriage too....and stupid exes. Once in awhile H will apologize to me, sorry that his kid got all dramatic or sorry if grown kid issues got in the way of plans. None of it bothers me, 5 of the kids are mine.... I GET IT. My point is, in his mind his kids are being an imposition on our life and he doesn't want me to think poorly of them or of him. He thinks of these things. I tell him don't worry about it, we are a team and my kids impose on us now and then too. 

So maybe your guy feels like that too.... but mine just articulates it?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

All,

Changes to the schedule that impact Holland are about her. And her need to be promptly notified when they happen is valid. 

I believe she is going to have to be more supportive to make this 'easy for him', but once she does so, it isn't cool for him to procrastinate on schedule changes that impact her. 





Idun said:


> For one thing, you are making it about YOU when it's not i.e. it's like you think he is purposely doing it to make you feel unimportant! When more likely he avoids telling you, to try and avoid making himself feel worse, and inadequate.
> 
> Secondly, the 'need to feel important' can be undermined in thousands of ways, and is very vague! Any time he does something that bothers you it could 'make you feel unimportant'. He will be walking around on eggshells with you soon too - if he's afraid of upsetting you because your insecurity, or something else compels you take things personally when they're not a reflection on how he feels about you.
> 
> Perhaps you could study the book The 5 Love Languages - work out what each of your top love languages is, and make sure you 'speak' to each other in the ways that mean the most to the other person. Perhaps your Love Bucket is a little empty because one of your main love languages goes unfulfilled? And he may not realise, because he is used to using his own main love languages. Hence these kind of things make you feel worse than you should, making him feel worse, and feeding the cycle.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> Holland,
> Your core strength comes from that intense relationship you have with the truth. You are brutally honest about yourself - and place a high premium on that with others.
> 
> Likely this was amplified by all the deceit your H engaged in during your first marriage.
> ...


MEM you are completely spot on. He has told me before to trust him when it come to handling his ex, I did just fine for some time but looking back now I think my resentment began earlier this year when she did something that caused me to declare I would never let her into my life again, I'm happy to explain what it was if necessary.
At that point I just wanted to scream at him to man the F up and tell her to piss off. 
Our relationship with our ex's are such polar opposites in some ways and it is hard for either of us to grasp the situation the other has with their ex's. 

He can't tell her to piss off bc she wields a lot of power when it comes to the kids, she has manipulated them/him and their relationships for years. And yes she is scared that she is losing the game, it will only be a few years till he is no longer obligated to pay CS directly to her, as they reach 18 he will be supporting them directly as they go to Uni.

I'm starting to think this is more about my resentment that someone else has power over my life and that I perceive Mr H to be weak for tolerating her behaviour.

Lots to think about and get clear before we have a good talk about this.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> All,
> 
> Changes to the schedule that impact Holland are about her. And her need to be promptly notified when they happen is valid.
> 
> I believe she is going to have to be more supportive to make this 'easy for him', but once she does so, it isn't cool for him to procrastinate on schedule changes that impact her.


This is true. We need to learn/know what our spouse needs to feel comfortable and loved. And Mr H should take this into consideration. And yes, since he seems like a good guy, she needs to address this in a loving supportive way.

I think if she sees that he is coming from a place of love and (pride?)....then maybe it will be easier for her to find a supportive way within herself to help him learn or want to give her what she needs..... which really is just a common curtesy. 

(Sounds convoluted, but makes perfect sense in my head.) 

And you know.... even tho I agree that Holland is right to just want a text when plans change......somehow I find myself wanting to defend Mr. H. Maybe because it seems like they have a good thing together and I don't want this to be the thing that is the sharp stick in the eye.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Holland said:


> Thanks EG, that is exactly what my Dad said, 80% plus is good here so why I am I getting in a knot about this?
> 
> It is like he has honed in on my major weakness, the need to feel important. This needs to be fixed. I am going to take all the advice here and work out the best way to approach this with Mr H. Look he is a wonderful person, I know that, we are a great match but there is something odd going on here that we are really struggling with.


I sympathize with how you feel Holland.... I KNOW I would feel the same in this situation.... especially IF you are one who is wired to make sure your significant other knows what is happening...you want to take the time.. feeling this is the considerate thing to do... 

It's hard for us to understand why another can't see this... or feel it as strongly as it means to us.. That on the one hand.. then his dealing with a nightmare EX ... it throws a monkey wrench into what probably would flow very smoothly .....

I would think every couple has an area or 2 (or more) where some issue just keeps raring it's ugly head.. the other just doesn't "see the need" and thinks WE are being unreasonable in expecting that much.... is it this.. when you & he have talked..does he feel YOU are expecting too much.. or is it just that when these changes happen.. he gets so stressed.. he half shuts down.. doesn't want to call, speak to anyone till he's had some "time" to cool down.. and on occasion he waited too long... and it disrupted your plans together?? 

Has he apologized -showing he WANTS to do better? 

Hopefully.. you & he can work this out...coming a little closer to each other... his making more of a concerted timely effort ...oh he will fail at times.. and you'll need a little grace.. but then the next time..he'll get it right.. 

When 80% is good.. it's just not something to throw away...unless you find this disrupting your life / happiness.. and realize it's become a deal breaker for you.. I'm thinking not.. but sometimes you just need to Vent...


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Holland you are confusing me. First you agree with MEM {and I too agree that he is spot on). Then you tell lifeistooshot that you are trying to decided if he is trying to disrespect you. Here is the thing I was told by my mom: while marriage should be 50/5O it never is. Sometimes it's 60/40, sometimes it's 70/30 and then suddenly it's 01/99. Empathy/compassion and acceptance, creates a bond that will take a couple though the ups and downs.

If MEM is right, your actions (even if 100 percent right) are undermining your marriage. It is a guy thing, (men can't with them, can't live without them, can't even shoot them). My father was useless around the house. Could not cook, and never took initiative to clean unless asked. If he was asked he would cheerfully agree and not do it again unless asked. Yet the love and bond between them was unbreakable. They were like geese that always flew in formation and swans that mated for life. What did he do for her, well she never did tell me. What I saw, he turned down two big promotions that would have moved us out of state, the second would have required giving up a job she loved. The first one she found out after the fact. For another he had guy friends, but never a guys night out. She had a couple of work things once or twice a year, but never a late one. The other, I never knew any of either of them who had a friend who was toxic to their marriage or any marriage. Well except for her brother and her sister's husband, whom he despised as men, as husbands, and worst of all shyty fathers, yet somehow managed to be nice too. 

My point is what makes your marriage work is deeply personal to both of you. Mom, would say this is where the rubber meets the road. Can you accept this with grace or not. My folks could accept some things with grace and it allowed them to more fully enjoy their marriage.


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## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

Mem's response that you quoted was awesome, but his last one not so much because it really is NOT about you as Mem suggests. But, as Idun says, you are MAKING it about you and not considering your husband at all. Think about HIS aversion to keeping you in the loop the way you are demanding. He has his reasons and whatever his reasons are, he needs your support. You cannot think he is a great guy and your marriage is wonderful, but he just out and out wants to disrespect you over this one thing. That's not what is happening and once you think about it, I'm sure you will agree.

I deleted a lot of stuff I was going to say to you because I could honestly go on for hours of reading. I am a stepmother, and I've hung out on step family boards for 5 or 6 years. At the risk of you thinking I'm making light of your concern that is very serious to you, I have to say you'd better be glad this is the least of your problems with your husband. I know how you feel and don't want you to think for a moment that I am disagreeing with you or saying you are wrong. What I'm saying is you have no idea the blessings you should be counting and really should let this issue go.

Don't think I believe this is your ONLY blended family-related issue, Believe me, I know better than that. But, if this is something you are using to gain a semblance of power from, then it's the wrong tree you're barking up. I know there can be a sundry of issues that you feel powerless to control, so it's possible you are using this one because, to you, it should be something you CAN control. But drop it, and just be supportive whenever he tells you that plans have changed.

Now, a way for you to maintain some power and refuse to be disrespected is if the changes impact your plans. For example, you and hubby make plans for the whole family to go to Disney World or to the local park or to a movie. Then t the last minute, his ex won't let his kids go. DON'T cancel the plan for everyone else, and DON'T let your husband make you feel you should. Don't allow that YOUR life and YOUR KIDS' lives revolve around HIS KIDS' attendance. Go ANYWAY. Even if he won't go without his kids, you and your kids go anyway. Remember that you made a promise to your own kids, so his kids shouldn't come between you and them. He probably won't like it, but he has to consider the fact that your kids don't do the fun things with his kids when they are with their mother. He likely feels he and his other family shouldn't do anything fun or go anywhere without HIS kids, but why should the lives and fun for your kids be put on hold or volleyed every time his ex gets a turd stuck? Don't allow his guilt to become your problem, and don't allow him to dictate "We can't go because my kids can't go."

Other than that, don't make any advance plans for his kids, such as THEIR birthday celebrations or any promises to do something special with or for them. Wait until they are there with you to assure their mother cannot throw her wrenches.

So listen, as good as your life sounds, I know you're going crazy. I know you feel disrespected in many ways and not just this one that you complained about here. As helpful as everyone here is trying to be and although many are succeeding, you need more help than this. For one thing, you need a marriage counselor and not just any, but one that specializes in step family dynamics. If they don't practice this specialty, the counselor could easily be the one to cause your divorce, or, in the very least, your extreme unhappiness.

I know lots of women who became downright depressed after being married to a man kids either because of him and his kids or because of their mother and how he always cowtows to her. Some resorted to drugs, while others to drinking. Just a couple weeks ago, one lady said she is going to try hypnosis to help her cope with her miserable situation. Believe me, you are not the only one, and believe me, your marriage and your mental state could be exponentially worse than it is right now. You and your husband just need to learn how to navigate while making each other and the marriage come first.

With the rate of divorce being what we mostly understand to be 50% on top of so very many people having children out of wedlock, step families have become the most prevalent familial situation over the traditional nuclear family, and it is the fastest growing. However, the divorce rate for re-partnered couples who have children from previous relationships is a whopping 72 percent. Yes, those are the odds of your marriage succeeding. That means there are a whole lot of people, women mostly, going through the same as you or much worse. It also means you need a lot more help than this board can offer, such as the 5 Love Languages being a suggested book you should read. It's a great and very helpful book, but you have to remember this is marriage forum. It's not a step family forum, and that book is the last thing you need right now.

In addition to marriage counseling, you and your husband should both read these two books:

Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin
There have been numerous books and articles about step families and being a stepmother, but this book was the very first real deal. The others almost ALWAYS placed the onus of responsibility for the relationships on the stepmother, telling women in so many words they should always concede to their husband and his kids. But, when Wednesday Martin became a stepmother, she became determined that finally stepmothers will have their own voice and tell their own stories. It's incredibly interesting, helpful, and eyeopening.

This book does not give a lot of advice in what to do about your situation or your complaints, but it is extremely helpful in giving your husband YOUR point of view so he understand what you are going through and where you're coming from when you try to talk to him. It will validate your feelings and let you know you are NOT crazy, you are NOT asking or expecting too much, and you are NOT alone in these murky waters.

Step Coupling by Jennifer Green & Susan Wisdom
This book is new and picks right up where Stepmonster ends. I'm not saying it's a continuation. I'm saying it DOES offer all the advice you and your husband need to help you both deal with the kid issues AND the ex wife issues. This is step-by-step advice you can follow and doesn't place the onus all on you to make all of them happy at the expense of your own needs, opinions, and purpose. It helps both of you navigate these murky waters and teaches you both what marriage means and how to make each other most important.

Here is a video and an article that address the husband/father. The titles are similar, but the content are not exactly the same:

What Every Stepmom Wants Her Husband To Know
This was on hubpages but disappeared one day, I'm glad it was streamed on YouTube because addresses the husbands directly with some very sage advice. The auto voice is monotone, so I think I will write it out one of these days for people to read for themselves.

10 Things Every Stepmom Wishes Her Husband Knew


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Thank you to everyone  We had a great talk while tending the vege patch (is a nice neutral place for us while we talk). I expressed myself calmly, with love and support. He listened, was not defensive which has been the case for a little while. We both listened and agreed to work harder on this issue together. 

The difference this talk was that I asked here for advice, vented and got my head clearer. He responded better and with being defensive because I did not go in all guns blazing and was calm.

Lots of stuff in there, he sees me as more flexible, he is sorry he did not take my needs more seriously. I explained that I don't need him to justify anything, to explain what happens between him and the ex but that I simply want to know what is going on with kids/ our plans etc.

I confessed to my simmering resentment and he took it all on board without feeling blamed.




SunnyT said:


> ........
> And you know.... even tho I agree that Holland is right to just want a text when plans change......somehow I find myself wanting to defend Mr. H. *Maybe because it seems like they have a good thing together and I don't want this to be the thing that is the sharp stick in the eye*.


This was the fear that was driving me to becoming irrational about this. After years of a bad marriage I cannot believe I have met such a wonderful match, it would be a waste if such an easily resolvable issue were to tear us apart. The feeling of losing control really has gotten the better of me but I feel like the pressure is off now, talking without blame and with gratitude has helped.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> .....
> I would think every couple has an area or 2 (or more) where some issue just keeps raring it's ugly head.. the other just doesn't "see the need" and thinks WE are being unreasonable in expecting that much.... is it this.. when you & he have talked..does he feel YOU are expecting too much.. or is it just that when these changes happen.. he gets so stressed.. he half shuts down.. doesn't want to call, speak to anyone till he's had some "time" to cool down.. and on occasion he waited too long... and it disrupted your plans together??
> 
> Has he apologized -showing he WANTS to do better?
> ...


Thanks SA 

this is the first major issue we have had that has be allowed to snowball because we let it happen. Big lesson for us both.

He has apologised, we both have and yes we both want to do better. He needs more patience and understanding from me and I need to be kept up to date. Not too much to ask of either if us, not sure how we got it so wrong.

And yes I needed to vent and get to a point where it was fix it or suffer the consequences.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

JohnA said:


> Holland you are confusing me. First you agree with MEM {and I too agree that he is spot on). Then you tell lifeistooshot that you are trying to decided if he is trying to disrespect you. .........


It's OK John, I confuse my self no end at times. My rational mind totally agrees with MEM but my irrational mind strays at times and I have a bad habit of making up my own, self destructive version of reality. 

Mr H is not a disrespectful man, he is a very good man, at times clumsy with how he does things but that is actually something I adore about him.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Thank you CarlaRose for your detailed post, I will look at the links later tonight after dinner. Some of what you said I very much agree with however this is not an issue that I am using to gain any power, it is more the loss of power over my own life due to a 3rd party, which I am trying to avoid. 

Before we met each others kids we attended counselling on blending our families, to date we have done a reasonable job. We are on the same page, we are both bonus adults in the kids lives and not there to replace their bio parents. 

100% agree that when we make plans we stick to them even if any of the kids have to pull out. We had a few times early on where his ex would refuse him access to his kids when she found out we had plans, it did cause problems between he and I but that type of thing has lessened over time thankfully.


...................................................................................................................

Well thank you for allowing me to be completely self indulgent with this, very much appreciated and extremely helpful. I don't expect this to all be fabulous but we are learning and growing


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

My female friend is dealing with this very situation. She has 0 kids and her husband has 3 from a previous marriage. His ex is about as toxic as you could imagine. 

The kids and his ex have zero respect for his time and relationship with my friend. Weekends, dinners, events, etc with his kids are always "canceled" at the last minute and my friend is left in the lurch. She's learned to be flexible and accommodating because she knows her SO is fearful of losing his kids.... Not in the physical sense. He's worried about losing their love. My friend is very empathetic but I know inside she resents him more and more for not putting his foot down. 

It's a tricky situation. How much can you intervene without considering that much of this is not about you directly? There's a fine line. I suspect your husband is banking on the fact that you've been super supportive in the past and will likely continue to do so. He's probably grateful to know that in all the chaotic mess re:kids, he can have some stability when it comes to your support and understanding. That's always what we hope to receive from our partners..... But within reason. 

He needs to know how this is affecting you and your love for him.


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## Idun (Jul 30, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> All,
> 
> Changes to the schedule that impact Holland are about her. And her need to be promptly notified when they happen is valid.
> 
> I believe she is going to have to be more supportive to make this 'easy for him', but once she does so, it isn't cool for him to procrastinate on schedule changes that impact her.


I believe you misinterpreted my post. Of course their combined schedule is her concern. The thing I was pointing out was that when H did not inform her, she took it personally as he was trying to purposefully make HER feel unimportant. She felt he was 'honing in' to make her feel bad. When more likely, he's just avoiding making himself feel worse. It makes a big difference.

Not saying what he's doing is ok, just that she is misinterpreting his intentions as purposefully horrible towards her, when they're not.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Holland said:


> I was originally going to PM a couple of members but would like a wider range of replies.
> 
> Background: We have been together 4 plus yrs.
> Both from past marriages of around 20 yrs.
> ...


I have read nothing in this thread beyond this post Holland, my fraternal twin from down under, so this has likely been asked and answered, but the first thing that popped into my head is how do you react when his ex changes things at the last minute? Do you express anger and direct it at your husband? My ex is very much like this too, and my wife likes to be kept in the loop as well, and when ever my ex pulls her sh1t, I never look forward to telling my wife, though I do, but I always brace myself...

...and after reading the whole thread...

My wife and I have had some big go rounds over my ex doing the same type of sh1t, and for her, it is very much a sense of loss of control, and allowing another woman to have such control over the man who is hers. I know you are not in the USA, but I suspect things are quite similar in Australia, but here, the custodial parent, most often the woman, has a huge amount of real power when she has the kids, and chooses to wield it.

We nearly broke up a few times over the course of our relationship because of this very issue. We have largely worked through things now to where we can deal with her as a team. What finally got us to where we are is that I am now comfortable in my knowledge that my ex wife's alienation tactics are not working on two of my kids, and so I have moved fully into parallel parenting mode, and let my attorney deal with my ex. My kids are seeing her for what she is, and the only thing that got me there was time and patience, one thing my wife doesn't have a whole lot of at times.

Now, almost four years later, my wife can see the results of how I handled things, and is very pleased with the results. My ex wife is largely removed from our lives, and when she does inject herself, we are able to work through it together because my wife finally trusts me, and has faith in my ability to handle this. It was extremely difficult for her to give up that kind of control, but now that she can see the entire picture, instead of letting her anger keep her focused on one little part, things are much better.

This is turning into more of a stream of consciousness post with no coherent direction, so I may as well keep going...when my ex would call, text, email and change plans, or dictate something, there were always passive aggressive, snarky, otherwise not nice pointless unrelated thing included. Things that would remind me of how things were when we were together, thing that I have learned to let roll off my back and not be phased by, but then knowing how my wife felt about things, after already having to deal with my should draining ex wife, having to now go and raise the ire of my wife...on one side, getting drained by my ex, and then knowing the other person who is so extremely important to me, the woman who is my wife, knowing that I am going to have to upset her, and knowing that the one person I should be able to turn to for support and comfort is not there for me in the way I need her to be.

This all just hits very close to home, and is yet another eerie example of how we have duplicate lives Holland...


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Holland, I just wanted to say that, as you know, I have always enjoyed your posts when you talk about the enviable relationship you and Mr H have and that this issue is not about you being disregarded. MEM nailed it. When I read your post I immediately thought that your H was avoiding communicating to you because he was avoiding something unpleasant about this issue. Since you two have such a loving and respectful marriage I couldn't imagine what your H might be avoiding, but that he was simply avoiding. I am married to an avoider so I KNOW how frustrating that is!

I think MEM is absolutely right and I'm very glad to read that you two talked it out. Have you settled on a way to communicate back, when he lets you know plans have changed, that allows him to be reassured that you're not blaming him or frustrated with him?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Idun I don't disagree with what you have said at all. My issues are my issues and I don't shy away from them 

Sam good to see you around. Tis eerie the parallels we have, great to know others understand where I'm coming from as it feels mixed up in my head and hard to articulate. You guys sounds like you are really on top of your situation, we are no where near that point and TBH don't think we will be via legal means, more likely the passing of time, kids getting older will be what brings more peace to our lives.
The truth is that while Mr H would love to have his kids more it would actually not be the best thing, his kids want to be with their mum and the oldest has a very close bond/carer type of relationship with her.
It would not be in their mum's best interest to be without her kids too much. The situation is monitored closely by her lead therapist, there was one stage where it seemed the kids would be better off away from her but that has settled down. 
Mr H feels an obligation to ensure her best interests are met as much as possible and that I fully support. He was not so good with boundaries early on but that has improved greatly (after she did some crappy things that forced his to see through her manipulation).

So all seems good here. MEM I have been thinking about your "weak man" comments and this is key for me. I have put some time into looking at this, I see being walked all over as weak but actually for him to have put up with so much and not "ended up in gaol" is actually the sign of a strong man.

Mr H does display signs of being worried about my reaction to things not bc I often react badly but as a hangover from the past. Yes he avoids keeping me updated but I am starting to realise it is because he wants to avoid confrontation. My job now is to reassure and show him that I am behind him, he needs to communicate with me and I must make that a safe thing to do.

Early on in the piece I did reach out here for support when it became apparent that I was heading into a life with a man that has an ex with severe MH issues, sadly I was shot down and told it had nothing to do with me. 4 yrs down the track and it sure does have a lot to do with me and indirectly my kids. I have made an appointment with my IC to get some clarity on how to deal with the fallout of having a person like this indirectly in my life. As someone that has no prior experience I have little patience for what I perceive as manipulating behaviour, can't seem to see when the line between MH problems and personality flaws lies.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Holland,

I'm sorry you didn't get the early support you asked for here. 

I am however glad you met this guy. Because when I contrast him to your ex H, leaves him in the dust. It makes me happy when folks leave a bad marriage and pull of a big upgrade.

In your case, time is your friend and the light at the end of the tunnel is from the sun, not a pair of headlights. 




Holland said:


> Idun I don't disagree with what you have said at all. My issues are my issues and I don't shy away from them
> 
> Sam good to see you around. Tis eerie the parallels we have, great to know others understand where I'm coming from as it feels mixed up in my head and hard to articulate. You guys sounds like you are really on top of your situation, we are no where near that point and TBH don't think we will be via legal means, more likely the passing of time, kids getting older will be what brings more peace to our lives.
> The truth is that while Mr H would love to have his kids more it would actually not be the best thing, his kids want to be with their mum and the oldest has a very close bond/carer type of relationship with her.
> ...


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Holland said:


> Idun I don't disagree with what you have said at all. My issues are my issues and I don't shy away from them
> 
> Sam good to see you around. Tis eerie the parallels we have, great to know others understand where I'm coming from as it feels mixed up in my head and hard to articulate. You guys sounds like you are really on top of your situation, we are no where near that point and TBH don't think we will be via legal means, *more likely the passing of time, kids getting older will be what brings more peace to our lives.*


I think you nailed part of how my wife and I were able to move through things...time. I also think I was farther down the line with my ex when I met my wife than Mr H was when you two got together. It just took time, and the fact that her ex has mental health issues as well, so she does have some experience there. Though now the tables have turned a bit, and we have been going through a very rough patch because of her ex that is straining every bit of strength our relationship has...it's a pretty brutal mess.



> The truth is that while Mr H would love to have his kids more it would actually not be the best thing, his kids want to be with their mum and the oldest has a very close bond/carer type of relationship with her.
> It would not be in their mum's best interest to be without her kids too much. The situation is monitored closely by her lead therapist, there was one stage where it seemed the kids would be better off away from her but that has settled down.
> Mr H feels an obligation to ensure her best interests are met as much as possible and that I fully support. He was not so good with boundaries early on but that has improved greatly *(after she did some crappy things that forced his to see through her manipulation)*.


I had the benefit of knowing exactly what my ex wife was from the very beginning, and was largely no contact from the very beginning. I think that may have actually contributed to some of the early issues for my wife, because she had a vision of getting along with my ex, joint big happy family holidays, beaing able to talk to her, coordinate about the kids...and the pressure my wife put on me to actually open communication lines with my ex, to soften myself a bit towards her, because she had a reasonably amicable relationship with her ex...



> So all seems good here. MEM I have been thinking about your "weak man" comments and this is key for me. *I have put some time into looking at this, I see being walked all over as weak but actually for him to have put up with so much and not "ended up in gaol" is actually the sign of a strong man.*


My wife also came to this conclusion as time went on, and finally began to realize that every conflict I chose to engage in with my ex, although never easy or straight forward, I prevailed. I pick my battles very carefully, and now that she is finally able to see the strategy and end goal, she sees me as strong, and not weak, but again...it took her a while to get there. Part of that realization may be because I was able to handle my ex wife, and my wife at the same time 



> Mr H does display signs of being worried about my reaction to things not bc I often react badly but as a hangover from the past. Yes he avoids keeping me updated but I am starting to realise it is because he wants to avoid confrontation. My job now is to reassure and show him that I am behind him, he needs to communicate with me and I must make that a safe thing to do.
> 
> Early on in the piece I did reach out here for support when it became apparent that I was heading into a life with a man that has an ex with severe MH issues, sadly I was shot down and told it had nothing to do with me. 4 yrs down the track and it sure does have a lot to do with me and indirectly my kids. I have made an appointment with my IC to get some clarity on how to deal with the fallout of having a person like this indirectly in my life. As someone that has no prior experience I have little patience for what I perceive as manipulating behaviour, can't seem to see when the line between MH problems and personality flaws lies.


My ex wife is diagnosed NPD, and I still maintain that unless a person has direct personal experience with a true narcissist, they will never be able to understand, and much of the advice that is sound for dealing with normal people will at best not work with a narc, and more likely will actually make things much worse.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Hello!

While it seems you have analyzed all of the motives, actions and reactions here, I assume you 'know' how I am by now - all about practical solutions.  

The kids are teens, right? Do they all have cell phones? Are the aware of the changes as soon as they occur or are they in the dark? Because I'm wondering if the kids can be taught to check in with you if their schedule changes. If you get double notifications from H and the kids when both remember, no problem! If one or the other forgets, you have at least one heads-up,

I don't blame you for wanting to know. I'd like to know if I'm feeding three or five or any of the other things that come along with having your immediately family expand and contract on a regular basis.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I deal with this from a guys side. I love my GF but her communication honestly sucks lol. The basis of a curtosy text to say:

I'm going to be late
I won't have my son this weekend
We need to be someplace early
We don't need to go someplace at all
I have some plans this weekend 

Rarely comes and Her taking 15 seconds to read texts I send her that are important is almost just as bad.

I have found no real solution to this other than what someone else here suggested which was make your plans and keep them. Slowly she has learned that if she doesn't look at her phone or text me about changes ahead of time then our plans might not work out at all.

Holland I get he is dealing with X issues but him, not communicating with you, is an issue with you and not her. Sorry you are struggling with this ..


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> I deal with this from a guys side. I love my GF but her communication honestly sucks lol. The basis of a curtosy text to say:
> 
> I'm going to be late
> I won't have my son this weekend
> ...


Thanks Wolf, the lack of communication with this drives me crackers. I can break it down though as his general communication is great, txts me every morning when he gets to work to wish me a great day, txts when he is on the way home, when he is away for work will call to chat, txts to tell me if something big has happened at work or in general.

The only thing he does not communicate about is changes with plans from the ex. I am starting to see that this is more about him being worried about upsetting me than his bad communication style.

What you are describing here with your GF is also a big issue, it would be to me that is for sure. I have no desire to monitor or micro manage anyone, not even my kids, all I am asking is to be kept up to date.

TBH your GF reminds me of my teens, they are hopeless with basic communication. Last time they did it I seriously blasted them (2 of them were together, both phones off and no way for me to arrange what time to meet them at the train) in the end I was at a loss for 2 hrs, no idea where they were and what time they would be on train. Eventually they txt me and when I picked them up I took their phones away for the rest of the day. Can't do that with an adult lol


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Hello!
> .......
> 
> The kids are teens, right? Do they all have cell phones? Are the aware of the changes as soon as they occur or are they in the dark? Because I'm wondering if the kids can be taught to check in with you if their schedule changes. If you get double notifications from H and the kids when both remember, no problem! If one or the other forgets, you have at least one heads-up,
> ...


Thank EW TBH I would rather not get the kids in the middle of this and ask them to txt me when changes are made especially as some of this is about their mum manipulating or trying to sabotage our lives (well that is my take on it anyway).


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> I think you nailed part of how my wife and I were able to move through things...time. I also think I was farther down the line with my ex when I met my wife than Mr H was when you two got together. It just took time, and the fact that her ex has mental health issues as well, so she does have some experience there. Though now the tables have turned a bit, and we have been going through a very rough patch because of her ex that is straining every bit of strength our relationship has...it's a pretty brutal mess.
> 
> *Are things OK with your guys? *
> 
> ...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Our 19 year old was somehow born with the belief that her phone was unidirectional. That is - its sole function was to enable her to call us when she wanted something: money, transport, etc,

Recently M2 said: THAT (pointing to M5's phone) is of no value to me. M5 began to apologize for her latest transgression in protracted unavailability. 

No no no said M2. Way too late for that. Going forward you will be paying your phone bill in full. 

M5 looked to me for help. I said - don't even think about it - you are the Helen Keller of cell phone users. Brought this on yourself. 





Holland said:


> Thanks Wolf, the lack of communication with this drives me crackers. I can break it down though as his general communication is great, txts me every morning when he gets to work to wish me a great day, txts when he is on the way home, when he is away for work will call to chat, txts to tell me if something big has happened at work or in general.
> 
> The only thing he does not communicate about is changes with plans from the ex. I am starting to see that this is more about him being worried about upsetting me than his bad communication style.
> 
> ...


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Holland said:


> Thank EW TBH I would rather not get the kids in the middle of this and ask them to txt me when changes are made especially as some of this is about their mum manipulating or trying to sabotage our lives (well that is my take on it anyway).


I get it. In my situation my daughter is now sort of handling it on her own, but that's because she's driving now and is the one in charge of her departures and arrivals. And because she has clubs, friends, homework and perhaps will be getting a job, she will be the one communicating changes as I told her I would be fine with whatever they work out.

But until now, I really hated his communicating changes through her instead of talking to me first. So I totally get it.


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> So he knows how you feel yet chooses to ignore it. Why do you suppose he makes the conscious decision not to inform you? It's my feeling that it is a conscious decision on his part. Please correct that if you disagree.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Agreed. It seems that he's aware of what your expectations are, Holland. Maybe some time needs to be spent on why it is difficult for him to inform you in a timely manner. Maybe he's anxious about how you'll take the change in plans? Maybe balancing his relationship with you and his ex is replaying another dynamic that was stressful?


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