# My wife hates my daughter...help!



## CharlesPQ

Before I go into this I have to explain the situation with my daughter.
My first wife and I divorced 16 1/2 years ago and she took my daughter and ran away with her. I searched tirelessly for 16 years until I found my child in the care of the Children's Aid Society, where she had been for the past 8 years.
She was the victim of repeated sexual assaults by her mother's boyfriend ( he was convicted and sentenced to 8 months in jail) and was removed from the home and placed in foster care. When asked where I was, her mother refused to divulge the information and my daughter subsequently ended up bouncing from foster home to foster home.
Two years ago I found my daughter and we have been talking on the internet ever since, trying to forge the father-daughter relationship again.
During the time I was searching, I met my current wife, a beautiful Filipina woman, with 2 sons from a previous marriage. We have been together 11 years now and I have raised the boys as my own.
About two months ago, while on a webcam chat with my daughter, I ended up in an argument with my wife and my child heard it all. When one of the boys piped in on his mother's side, my daughter saw it and also joined in to defend her dad. 
What was said is not really important, but it ended up with some name calling by my daughter which wasn't appropriate or nice at all, toward my wife.
I let her vent and corrected her the next day, telling her that this was wrong and that she needed to apologize to her step-mom, which she did.
My wife, however, refuses to let it go and is constantly saying how much she now hates my daughter, claiming that my attention to my little girl is putting her and her boys in second place.
My daughter came home 9 a 4,000 mile trip) for March break and spent 9 days here, during which time my wife was civil, but not much more toward her.
As can be imagined, there are emotional issues which my daughter has to work through, and she has a very rebellious streak. This is partly due to never having had a family to learn from and being bounced from home to home throughout her childhood. Still, I am trying to make things work and endeavouring to help her get through these issues.
My wife now says that because I spend so much time dealing with my daughter's issues and in conversations with her CAS worker, that I am obsessed and is making things as difficult as possible for me in regard to this.
She has made it quite clear that she absolutely hates my daughter and has stated unequivocally that "if she comes here I am moving out!"
I have told her that I should not be forced into a position where I have to choose between my daughter and my wife, and that if I was, then I would have to choose my daughter.
This started a whole new tirade, where now, every time I am busy ( work, etc.) and don't do what my wife wants immediately, she comes out with " I know, I'm not your daughter" in a very spiteful tone of voice.
I am at my wits end, as I hear this at least 5 times a day and I don't know what to do.
I know that my daughter needs me and I have an obligation to her, not to mention that I love her and would never turn her away, but I also don't want to lose my family over stupidity either.
I need advice desperately.
What do I do?


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## JazzTango2Step

Your wife needs to realize that YOU have taken in HER children, HER flesh and blood, and have raised them as your own. This is something that I feel she is overlooking and not exactly appreciating to the fullest extent. While you were capable of taking in her sons with an open heart, your wife feels threatened by this new female who isn't her flesh and blood, and how is stealing your time away from her.

She needs to get over it. This is your daughter and she will ALWAYS be your daughter. Your wife must understand this and be capable of doing for you what you did for her: taking in your offspring with love, care and understanding.

I feel as though your wife is jealous. She is jealous that you're spending more and more time with this new female instead of time with "her" family. It doesn't matter who or what this new female is, all she knows is that this new girl is causing trouble in her perfect world of "me only" and she wants her out. 

Your wife is drawing a line with you, where as you might need to start drawing a line with her instead. This is not stupidity. Your wife is being a selfish little bratt who can't handle anything from your past. Lay it out to her straight. Your daughter is HER family, just like her sons are YOUR family. SHE is separating the marriage by not diving in to help your daughter with you. She is washing her hands of this girl and labeling her "your daughter" instead of "our daughter"

There MAY be some protectiveness going on here where she sees your daughter as a damaged person who is a threat to her own sons, but from what you've explained...I highly doubt thats whats going on at all.

At this point, I would make it clear to her that your daughter will always be your daughter, but your wife can be divorced. Start calling the shots. Things NEED to change, they will not continue like this, and she either needs to hop on bored with you or stay out of the way.


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## aida

Hi CharlesPQ,
I'm in the same shoes as your daughter. Just need to tell you this (which i never be able to tell my father, because he will never understand). You can always married and divorced our wife (not that i want you to do this), but you will never be able to end you blood relationship with your daughter. You need to know that your daughter always loved you, and will always be there for you. trust me on this one. 

As for your wife, if she really loved you, she should understand that your daughter needs you. But sorry to say this, i think she's a bit selfish, to make you choose between her and your daughter.


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## Syrum

You were absolutely right to correct your daughters behaviour towards your wife, and it was big of her to apologize. 

However your wife must understand that good men love and care for their children, that your daughter should all ways feel that you are there for her and she can come to you no matter what happens or what she does, that you love her unconditionally. Of course your daughter is going to have some issues, she has had a terrible childhood, and probably has issues with boundaries and what is appropriate. Now she needs your love and guidance and you should not give up on her.

You also need to stand your ground with your wife and explain that you expect her to be forgiving to your daughter because she is a child. Children say things all the time that they don't mean, and so do adults! All you can do is be firm with her and set boundaries and let her know that she cannot talk to your wife that way and that she is to respect her. But she will not respect your wife if she does not act respectful to your daughter, and fair enough.


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## Arden

I don't know about the other women, but if my husband searched 16 years for a long lost daughter and then finally found her, I would be proud, impressed, and would support him in his endeavor to develop a relationship with his daughter.
Your wife's reaction, as stated before, does seem to be that of jealousy. Is it possible to have a calm discussion about her reaction to this situation? Do you have any idea why she feels threatened by a 16 year old girl? (assuming she is 16 if I read correctly).


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## CharlesPQ

Unfortunately my wife seems unable to have a calm discussion about my daughter.
Whenever I bring the topic up and try to repair the situation she gets angry and refuses to discuss it, save to say that she will never accept someone who called her names.
I have tried numerous times to assert that my daughter is still a child, even though she just turned 17, and that, as an adult it is me wife's responsibility to teach forgiveness through example and forgive my little girl. None of these have been to any avail.
My daughter knows all of this ( and has even read these posts) and knows that I will never turn my back on her. Still, she is upset by my wife's refusal to accept her and has come to the conclusion that if my wife can't accept her, then maybe she shouldn't accept her either.
This is tearing me apart, as I love my family....ALL of my family, and don't see why I should be forced to make a choice to give up one family to save another.


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## Arden

What about having your wife read this post? Maybe the written explanation of your feelings and other people's points of view may clear up this situation a bit.


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## CharlesPQ

Arden, i asked her to, and she stopped after the first two lines of the first response so I read them to her.
Her stance was that she "didn't want to hear it' and "doesn't care what someone else says".
I asked about a counsellor but she shot that idea down, saying " I don't need a counsellor...YOU do! YOU'RE the one who's putting his daughter ahead of his family!"


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## Syrum

You are not putting your daughter ahead of the family, you are trying to include her in it, and she should be a part of it. Your wife is trying to divide you all.

Your wife needs to be loved and respected, but everyone is learning here, and everyone makes mistakes, sometimes quite a few.


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## JazzTango2Step

Your wife is selfish. Period. A 17 year old child is hardly an adult and is incapable of making rational, adult decisions. However, a woman of your wife's age should know better and you should expect more from her than the reducing herself to a childish tantrum because a teenager called her a name.

If this situation ends up separating you two, remember that it is NOT your daughter's fault, and it is NOT YOUR fault either. It is your wife's fault that, for whatever reason, can't handle a teenage girl of your own blood. I woud be extatic if my husband searched for years for his own child and finally found him/her.

EXPECT your wife to be stronger than a 17 year old girl. EXPECT your wife to support you and your daughter as if she were her own. This is what a commited, supportive spouce would do.

Personally, I'm apalled at your wife. I may even suggest counceling for YOU, not your wife, because you're more deserving of the help, and without your partner by your side, you may need the extra guidence it takes to see this situation through, no matter what the outcome. Your daughter has been hurt and rejected by parental figures her entire life. Don't allow your wife to victimize your daughter as well.

And for you daughter:
Your step mother's reactions are not your fault. She feels threatened by the strong, young, beautiful woman that you are. Take it as a compliment and try to hold your temper even though I know at times it seems impossible. Your father is working this out for the best and he won't abandon you. She isn't a threat to you, you are a threat to her and she'll either need to eventually except you or move out of the way. She KNOWS this, and thats why she's rebelling.


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## seeking sanity

I suspect this may be partly a cultural issue. All cultures have deep seated prejudices that can't be reasoned with. 

That said, if it comes down to it: You need to choose your daughter over your wife. Your daughter has gone through hell and needs security, love and devotion to try to come out the other end a functional adult. But you know that.

You also need to protect your step children. You are a father to them as well, and they need to know that regardless of what happens with your wife, that you love and support them.

This situation sucks. I wish I had advice that was easier.


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## Confused824

JazzTango2Step said:


> Your wife is selfish. Period. A 17 year old child is hardly an adult and is incapable of making rational, adult decisions. However, a woman of your wife's age should know better and you should expect more from her than the reducing herself to a childish tantrum because a teenager called her a name.
> 
> If this situation ends up separating you two, remember that it is NOT your daughter's fault, and it is NOT YOUR fault either. It is your wife's fault that, for whatever reason, can't handle a teenage girl of your own blood. I woud be extatic if my husband searched for years for his own child and finally found him/her.
> 
> EXPECT your wife to be stronger than a 17 year old girl. EXPECT your wife to support you and your daughter as if she were her own. This is what a commited, supportive spouce would do.
> 
> Personally, I'm apalled at your wife. I may even suggest counceling for YOU, not your wife, because you're more deserving of the help, and without your partner by your side, you may need the extra guidence it takes to see this situation through, no matter what the outcome. Your daughter has been hurt and rejected by parental figures her entire life. Don't allow your wife to victimize your daughter as well.
> 
> And for you daughter:
> Your step mother's reactions are not your fault. She feels threatened by the strong, young, beautiful woman that you are. Take it as a compliment and try to hold your temper even though I know at times it seems impossible. Your father is working this out for the best and he won't abandon you. She isn't a threat to you, you are a threat to her and she'll either need to eventually except you or move out of the way. She KNOWS this, and thats why she's rebelling.


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## ladyybyrd

You have raised her two sons, you have been their dad for years. Your wife needs to do the same. Your daughter has been through enough B.S already, she doesn't need this. Your wife needs to grow up. Your daughter needs you. Your wife needs to understand this.


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## Confused824

it's a good idea Arden he should let his wife read this post and let her join this forum.


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## Mulan4Peace

I feel for your wife in a sense where a 17 year old daughter has just came into her life and swept her husband away. Women feel that way, they always want to be in charge. I know Charles's personality just by reading his post. You are a super nice guy. Nice guy finish last, you know that right. Nice guy usually gets toss around and taken advantage of. I know that you love your daughter, but I bet if she wanted anything you wouldn't hesitate getting it for her. Even if it means upsetting your wife. You get pushed by your wife and believe it or not by your daughter as well. 

Please don't look at a 17 year old as a naive child. They are strong enough to do a lot of things on their own and know what's right and wrong. If she finds someone in a couple of years to get married, you will probably never see her again. So don't blame your wife for being this way, maybe she can see it in her that you don't.


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## CharlesPQ

FYI, I am reading these posts almost hourly to glean what wisdom I can from them.
It's NOT an easy situation whatsoever,but I am still trying to work it out.


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## Arden

I think unfortunately there is really no easy way out. It's important you keep a good relationship with your daughter (although as stated before, do remember she is a 17yo teenager and is probably excellent now at manipulating people, so keep your eyes and heart open) but it's also important that your wife respects the fact that you are basically bringing in a new person into the family you have already made with her. I cannot think of a one step solution, but maybe if you manage to have your daughter over sometimes, for short periods, that they will both somehow develop a "polite" relationship at first that may evolve, hopefully, into acceptance of each others existence. For you, there is no option, you love both, and you want both of them in your life. It is up to them to figure out how they can manage this together if they both want to keep you in their life. For you, there is no choice, you cannot possibly choose between your wife with whom you've been with for years and created a family, and your blood daughter that you have been searching desperately for.. I say it's up to them to figure out how to live with one another.


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## chantiq72

Mulan4Peace said:


> I feel for your wife in a sense where a 17 year old daughter has just came into her life and swept her husband away. Women feel that way, they always want to be in charge. I know Charles's personality just by reading his post. You are a super nice guy. Nice guy finish last, you know that right. Nice guy usually gets toss around and taken advantage of. I know that you love your daughter, but I bet if she wanted anything you wouldn't hesitate getting it for her. Even if it means upsetting your wife. You get pushed by your wife and believe it or not by your daughter as well.
> 
> Please don't look at a 17 year old as a naive child. They are strong enough to do a lot of things on their own and know what's right and wrong. If she finds someone in a couple of years to get married, you will probably never see her again. So don't blame your wife for being this way, maybe she can see it in her that you don't.


I agree with Mulan4Peace. You have to be in the middle of this situation. Yr wife maybe still hurt for being called name by your daughter. But on the other hand, she has to stop feeling sorry for herself, wake up, and adjust with the situation. It is hard being a stepmom especially for a teenager, and unfortunatly, your wife and your daughter have a bad start. 

I think you have to treat your daughter as your kid. There're certain thing that you have to discuss with your daughter, and I think your problem with your wife is not the topic that you should share with your daughter. It's not good for her, and your wife will feel left out. She will feel that you have "other woman" that you rather have a conversation with eventhough it's your own daughter. And it's not good for your daughter to know about this problem, because it will make her disrespect your wife especially if she read all the post that on her side will validate what she's done. Despite to whatever happen to your daughter in the past, she has to learn to respect people who is older than her. 

And as for yourself. Don't expect everything will go back to normal quickly. Don't expect your wife and your daughter to get along. It rarely happen in "step family" that they will get along. It is hard for your wife, and also hard for your daughter. And try not to argue with your wife in front of the kids. This will devide your family. Of course your wife's kid will defense their mom, and your daughter will be on your side. 

Good luck


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## Camp2011

I'm sorry for what you are going through. Your words about your wife make her sound very harsh and hateful. However, I am in a similar situation where I am a wife considering the same request of my husband. His 21 year old daughter and her 4 year old son (father not involved or around) have returned after being gone for over 3 years with no contact. She is very immature and rebellious and acts out if rules are forced on her. She returned after numerous failed relationships and no where else to go. (Her mother has moved out of state with her new husband and children and doesn't help.) We have turned into her in-house babysitters while she has complete disregard for our home and things. My husband and I have two other children together and both work. We work very hard to provide nice things and it is frustrating to see them ruined. Since she has been back in our home, she has failed out of college and not saved any money from her job in order to get her own place. All she does is sit on the back porch drinking, smoking and talking on the phone. My husband doesn't want to say anything to upset her because he knows she will leave again and cut contact. He will lose her and his grandson again.
My husband is disappointed in her and it makes him so sad that she is the way she is but he does nothing to correct her behavior. We have clear defined rules for the children in our house but not for her. There are no boundaries. 

I now feel that I am against a wall and have no choice other than to ask him to make her leave. I do not want to ruin his relationship with his daughter but I do not want her in mine and my children's life. Maybe as she grows up and matures it will be different. 

I know that you are trying to make up for lost time with her, but don't lose sight of what you have with your wife and children now.


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## RandomDude

The way I see it, your daughter did something really amazing. Rebellious and stubborn people especially those who had traumas in the past do NOT find it easy to apologise, yet she did - which shows that she is still strong and reasonable despite it. Your wife however, has not returned the favor. Your daughter in this case, is acting the adult, your wife however, should be ashamed of herself. But that's just me. I would be quite proud of your daughter for what she did.

Do tell your daughter that with what she went through in the past, it takes one hell of a strong woman to be able to do what she did. She has a temper sure, but that isn't something that will go away, she will learn to control it as she matures further, and when she does; trust me, she's going to grow up into one hell of a woman.


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## turnera

RandomDude said:


> The way I see it, your daughter did something really amazing. Rebellious and stubborn people especially those who had traumas in the past do NOT find it easy to apologise, yet she did - which shows that she is still strong and reasonable despite it. Your wife however, has not returned the favor. Your daughter in this case, is acting the adult, your wife however, should be ashamed of herself. But that's just me. I would be quite proud of your daughter for what she did.
> 
> Do tell your daughter that with what she went through in the past, it takes one hell of a strong woman to be able to do what she did. She has a temper sure, but that isn't something that will go away, she will learn to control it as she matures further, and when she does; trust me, she's going to grow up into one hell of a woman.


 I agree.


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## Laurae1967

Your daughter IS your family. Your wife sounds incredibly selfish and immature. She's happy for your to play daddy to her two sons but she won't allow you to have a relationship with your daughter, who has been abused and abandoned? That pretty much shows your wife's character.

Your daughter needs you more than anything. Don't let her down. She's been let down her whole life. If your wife makes you choose, choose your daughter. If your wife won't get therapy, I would get your own therapy. Your therapist will confirm that your loyalty to your daughter is normal and healthy.


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## turnera

Update?


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## HadIOnlyKnown

Camp2011 said:


> I'm sorry for what you are going through. Your words about your wife make her sound very harsh and hateful. However, I am in a similar situation where I am a wife considering the same request of my husband. His 21 year old daughter and her 4 year old son (father not involved or around) have returned after being gone for over 3 years with no contact. She is very immature and rebellious and acts out if rules are forced on her. She returned after numerous failed relationships and no where else to go. (Her mother has moved out of state with her new husband and children and doesn't help.) We have turned into her in-house babysitters while she has complete disregard for our home and things. My husband and I have two other children together and both work. We work very hard to provide nice things and it is frustrating to see them ruined. Since she has been back in our home, she has failed out of college and not saved any money from her job in order to get her own place. All she does is sit on the back porch drinking, smoking and talking on the phone. My husband doesn't want to say anything to upset her because he knows she will leave again and cut contact. He will lose her and his grandson again.
> My husband is disappointed in her and it makes him so sad that she is the way she is but he does nothing to correct her behavior. We have clear defined rules for the children in our house but not for her. There are no boundaries.
> 
> I now feel that I am against a wall and have no choice other than to ask him to make her leave. I do not want to ruin his relationship with his daughter but I do not want her in mine and my children's life. Maybe as she grows up and matures it will be different.
> 
> I know that you are trying to make up for lost time with her, but don't lose sight of what you have with your wife and children now.


Sound advice. If you read a post I put on here yesterday you'd see that I am dealing with a situation where my stepchild was disrespectful and it is now affecting my marriage. I'm curious - have you ONLY video conferenced with your child? I mean as a family? Because that isn't the same as meeting and having a long term relationship with someone. If I were your wife I would be truly taken aback that she inserted herself into your discussion and actually verbally attacked me. Yes, she apologized, but IMO she far overstepped her current boundaries. If I were your child I would have likely disconnected the video conference and sent you an email saying "Sorry, sounded like you needed some time. I really hated to hear her saying that to you." or something. No matter the situation, your children have no reason to be rushing into your disareements to side up with either of you.

You said she apologized and that is a great first step. Now you and your wife need to discuss your daughter's place in your family and make sure that she understands how you feel. It doesn't sound like she has been in the picture for much of your marriage. To be fair to your wife - if that's the case, then when she married you she wasn't bargaining for this. Yeah, she might have known a daughter was out there but she wasn't in the picture and she had no way of knowing this child's personality or how the child coming into the family would upset the balance you all already have. Adding another person, even if it is something everyone desires, can be upsetting. Your wife sounds like she felt she was getting one thing when she wed you and now you want her to accept a whole new lifestyle/role with open arms. That is a lot to ask. 

I knew I was getting a stepson. He was a baby, though, so I didn't know he would become and out of control/mouthy teen with two parents who would jump me like crazed zealots if I suggested he be disciplined. "HadIOnlyKnown" I'd have run the other way. I know I'm new here, so take that with a grain of salt. I figured 13 years of step-parenting and a similar situation warranted a comment, though.


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## familyroots1

You need to get out of the situation. Find a good support group (church, friends, etc.)Get rid of her. She is selfish and lazy. Your daughter should ALWAYS come first.Your son needs love and attention, leave her dumb and find yourself someone worthy of you and your son. Good luck to you.Family therapy is necessary and maybe psych evatuations.


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