# finally going through with te divorce please help



## mishu143

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...been-successfully-married-please-help-me.html

So the above link is my original post. I went to an attorney recommended to me by an attorney I am working with regarding a separate issue. 

Im so tired, I feel bad. I feel guilty, and no matter how much I try to justify it the guilt doesn't go away. 

I love him, but the manipulation, lies, and ommissions are too much. One day we are okay, something explosive happens, and the next day I am supposed to pretend it didn't happen. The toll that takes on me is mentally excruciating and yet I still feel guilty. I know I am no angel. It takes two to fight. But dammit I really tried. I bent over backwards to make him feel what he needed to feel. like a man in control. ALL TO ME DETRIMENT because I totally screwed myself into a cave that I am afraid I will never get out of. 

My attorney walked me through the whole process, and of course much of it was tidbits of info for each situation, we have to wait until we actually reach the bridge before we can cross it kinda thing. All our money is tied into HIS accounts that I have no legal access to. wife or not. Im not on the account so I cant touch it without the courts. and I cant pay the courts because I don't have access to what is half mine. 

Ive been back in school and I am almost done with a course I need just to apply to my program. I am really scared I wont get in, and even if I do, I have to face reality, If I am working and going to school he can and will (just to spite me) ask for full custody, which according to my lawyer he can win without much issue. So there are other ways I can do this without him having to even get involved in it. 

I am a stay at home mom, by the way with two little ones.,


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## Malpheous

2 kids... stay at home mom... 2 year old affair(his)... 

He can ask for whatever he wants. Same as you can. 50/50 would be more likely in most states. Don't spin your wheels on the affair during the process. It's done. 2 years old. Focus on documenting the care of the children. Smart moves, not emotional ones. Know all the docs and teachers and be sure they know you. That will decide a lot if things become contested.

Stay calm, cool and collected. It'll make a difference in the outcome.


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## turnera

If your lawyer won't help you without the money you're legally entitled to, find another lawyer. Won't take much for him to go to court and get you access into those accounts.


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## mishu143

turnera said:


> If your lawyer won't help you without the money you're legally entitled to, find another lawyer. Won't take much for him to go to court and get you access into those accounts.


That's what I thought, so now I have to search for someone else to help me.... Now he is begging me to not do this, to try, and then he switches it up and says all the things we both did wrong, etc.... 

About the affair, I am not dwelling on it. I let it go a loooong time ago.... I posted about it because he acts as if I did it and treats me like a tramp..... That was all just to give you all a chance to understand why I'm feeling like I am... 

I simply thanked him for his behavior because it will make it so much easier for me to leave him. 


As far as me going back to work.... I have been calling every charity I can find and non are able to help me pay for childcare while I look for work and establish my income so that I can pay for it myself.... This is really hard.... Any other ppl out in the s.florida area that can maybe advise me on how they did it? How they picked up the pieces and got themselves from nowhere to somewhere....


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## turnera

You tried United Way?


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## turnera

mishu143 said:


> If I am working and going to school he can and will (just to spite me) ask for full custody, which according to my lawyer he can win without much issue.


btw, your lawyer sucks. Really? A SAHM will lose custody because she's working and going to school? Never heard that, ever.


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## mishu143

well from the recommendation he is tough and what he said was that since he would be helping out with the kids 70% of the time and me 30% ish that my STBX could petition for full custody. He was prepping me for the worst I guess... I didn think of UNITED WAY I will call them too.


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## Malpheous

turnera said:


> btw, your lawyer sucks. Really? A SAHM will lose custody because she's working and going to school? Never heard that, ever.


It's almost always arguable that it's in the best interests of the children, the younger the more arguable, that they be in the direct care of a parent over a third party. It's quite possible to win in court any time that the other parent is unavailable to provide care. If not, an ROFR would be pushed into the order. It's a common clause that would allow on parent to absorb any time the children are not in the direct care of the other parent if the period is for more than <x> amount of time. Typically a couple hours. After 6 months of Status Quo the parent exercising the ROFR could motion for a change to custody if they document well.


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## turnera

I get it about spending time with the dad. But legal custody? Doubt it.


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## mishu143

Malpheous said:


> It's almost always arguable that it's in the best interests of the children, the younger the more arguable, that they be in the direct care of a parent over a third party. It's quite possible to win in court any time that the other parent is unavailable to provide care. If not, an ROFR would be pushed into the order. It's a common clause that would allow on parent to absorb any time the children are not in the direct care of the other parent if the period is for more than <x> amount of time. Typically a couple hours. After 6 months of Status Quo the parent exercising the ROFR could motion for a change to custody if they document well.




That's exactly what the attorney told me...lol...word for word...so there lies my worry. The very confusing thing of it all is that after my husband found out I went to see the attorney he came home did what I stated above, crying and blaming and then shut down. Didnt come home until after 1 am. I know because I went to bed at 1 am after having my little fits of crying, but yea he wouldn't answer his phone and wouldn't text me, so there, I don't know if he really was with his family or what, but that the kinda crap I have to deal with and I could never pull a stunt like that without getting my head chopped off! 

Anyways, this morning he was trying to cuddle, and I didn't refuse because I just don't want to hurt him, but I know I can't blur those lines but in all honesty I love him and i know he is hurting but I'm leaving due to the craziness of it all... It very unstable and that is why I am leaving.... 

So there's my confusion, my heart is pulled one way but my mind another... This sucks....


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## turnera

I would postpone the school, then, until your custody is scheduled.


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## mishu143

turnera said:


> I would postpone the school, then, until your custody is scheduled.


Not an option, if I keep waiting I will never finish and I don't plan to work a dead end job for more tan I have to.... I will figure that part out.... 

It's frustrating that he keeps acting like I won't go through with it only to no up yelling at each other.... And he still doesn't get y the hell I'm leaving...? Sorry I'm just so angry and sad all at te same time......


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## Malpheous

Postpone or not. ROFR will/could be used to gain time and change it anyhow. 

There is no reason a father can't be a primary custodian. Both legal and residential. There should be no presumption of a woman being better suited at parenting. It's been debated over years and the courts are finally coming from the darker ages and acting on the laws justly, as they were written, without gender bias.


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## turnera

mishu143 said:


> Not an option, if I keep waiting I will never finish and I don't plan to work a dead end job for more tan I have to.... I will figure that part out....


I was suggesting for one semester. Will that kill you? In order to keep custody of your kids?


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## turnera

Malpheous said:


> Postpone or not. ROFR will/could be used to gain time and change it anyhow.
> 
> There is no reason a father can't be a primary custodian. Both legal and residential. There should be no presumption of a woman being better suited at parenting. It's been debated over years and the courts are finally coming from the darker ages and acting on the laws justly, as they were written, without gender bias.


I didn't say he wasn't suited (though I'm not sure this one is). I'm saying that because she has been their SAHM, she is the one they will most likely be a better fit for.


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## mishu143

turnera said:


> I didn't say he wasn't suited (though I'm not sure this one is). I'm saying that because she has been their SAHM, she is the one they will most likely be a better fit for.


@malpheuos yes I see where you are coming from, and this isn't an issue on whether he is fit or not, it's that I have been home with them since they were born and he doesn't do much when he is home. He can't cook or clean or do much without me prodding him to do so... That isn't the point. Ideally we will share 50/50 and help one another out. I'm not trying to take my kids from him at all they are his nd they deserve their dad! 

@ turnera... I'm not taking a semester class now, I'm finish a prerequiste health course I need to apply for the actual program by may 29. Ill be done by next week with this short course and I can apply to start in August.... That's all I was trying to tell you... I may be taking online courses to finish classes I need in order to finish the second half of the program next (2015) August. If I don't get in now, I will lose out and have to wait another year to apply and wait for admission.... It isn't a semester kinda thing, this is the real deal. I'm done with the semester part of the schooling now it's the career training part of it so that was my point... 

He also won't give me the money I need to file for divorce. He's asking me to let him pay off his cards and with his next bonus he will give me the money to file. I feel he's stalling and I've explained half of everything is mine too. He doesn't get it nor does he care.... That's why I've applied for the daycare help and waiting for response on that, as soon as I get that I can begin looking for a job...


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## Malpheous

turnera said:


> I didn't say he wasn't suited (though I'm not sure this one is). I'm saying that because she has been their SAHM, she is the one they will most likely be a better fit for.


That's great that she's been a SAHM. I get that. She's also returning to the workforce so that point is fairly moot.

Not to be argumentative, rather to play devils advocate and show what would/could play out in court.


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## Malpheous

mishu143 said:


> He also won't give me the money I need to file for divorce. He's asking me to let him pay off his cards and with his next bonus he will give me the money to file. I feel he's stalling and I've explained half of everything is mine too. He doesn't get it nor does he care.... That's why I've applied for the daycare help and waiting for response on that, as soon as I get that I can begin looking for a job...


He's definitely stalling. I would highly doubt that he'll hand over money for your legal expenses. Why would he? Not trying to create friction or concern but giving you some honesty. What he's more likely to do is stall to build his case and then use the money for his legal expenses and file suit against you for divorce. The person filing sometimes gains upper hand. Sometimes it's as simple as having control over the process and tempo of it all so you can strategically follow along.

You're most likely in a mutual property state. But you mentioned the account(s) are in his name only. Yes? Can you show you have placed any money into the account(s)? Does/do the account(s) pre-date the marriage? My point is that there is a thin line where he may have an argument on what is actually mutual property in this case because of the situation. It's an argument he's almost guaranteed to lose if you have a decent lawyer. But it ties up the finances. Anything you do legally would probably tie both your hands from the finances. So lets put that money aside for now.

You need money for a lawyer. Plain and simple. Find a family loan.

When you file be sure to request exclusive use of the home and add emotional/verbal abuse to the grounds for divorce. Sometimes you'll get the exclusive use. Sometimes you won't. Motion for a temp custody order when you file for divorce if your state allows that. I did that in NY and it made life so much easier. My ex was amicable initially. After she felt the strain of a few months out of the house she changed her perspective. Had I not had custody agreed early on the battle would have been ugly.


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## mishu143

you guys are always right.... it blew up in my face again!! I cant catch a break.... This time he called my mom, dad, cousin, and tried to explain himself and that its all my fault that im leaving him. Whatever. He finally agreed to give me my share of the money so tomorrow I will have him sign a check for my half and promptly pay the attorney so that he can file.... Cross my fingers and pray for me everyone. THIS IS GOING TO SUCK big time

How do I know what to even expect, or ask for o whatever? where do I even start. We have no assets, we have debt, and the kids. That's it... I would think it would be pretty easy. I don't want anything more than this...please tell me if I am being unreasonable.

1. the crappy car (because it is paid off), 
2. if he refuses to get the kids off of his medical insurance then I want him to be fully responsible for the medical bills (he has a high deductible, high copay, high everything crap insurance that I cant afford to pay because the deductibles and stuff are so high), 
3. I keep my debts, he keeps his
4. we can co parent with a set schedule so that the kids have stability. (I really don't want him to think im trying to cut him off from the kids, and the attorney did tell me this will affect my child support income but really its okay as long as he helps me take care of them to the standard they are used to).
5. I want him to leave my mothers condo (which we rent from her) and find his own place nearby so that if he does want to co-parent he wont have issues getting the kids to school on time on his days. <<<<I say all this because he does work about 40 miles away, so hopefully to avoid keeping the kids in a car for long car trips back and forth on school nights he will consider staying in the area we already live in. 

If I am missing anything please advise!! 

Thank you!


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## PBear

Seems fine, except for the last one. You get no say in where he lives. Not sure I'd even bother to mention it, aside from saying you want the kids to be able to keep the stability of being in their same school.

C


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## mishu143

PBear said:


> Seems fine, except for the last one. You get no say in where he lives. Not sure I'd even bother to mention it, aside from saying you want the kids to be able to keep the stability of being in their same school.
> 
> C


Thanks pbear... I figured that its something I could ask him to consider for the sake of the kids but if he refuses than I guess we will have to figure out how we can work it out. He's really bad at getting to work on time, so I'm afraid if he moves closer to his job then the kids will suffer long trips to school and back... Not sure i getting my point across... 

Oh yeah and no.6 .........alimony....temporary.... Until I get back on my feet....


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## mishu143

Help?! With above question....


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## mishu143

As I read all my old posts, I realize how pathetic I have been. I am sorry TAM people. I really am. I've been dealing with someone I will never fully understand and someone who will never fully understand me. All my posts can accurately describe the pain an agony I am still feeling today. 

My thoughts are all over the place and I apologize for not being able to write them out as clearly and organized as others on here do. I am so confused about what my life has become. I keep focusing on the why and not the now. That has got to change and I see that now. Who cares why? the fact is it happened... This marriage was toxic and it hurts me to say that but we should have never stayed together. My expectations of him will not change, they are minimal requirements in any marriage, and its work for him to not be so selfish. 

My point is, I think I am a mental basket case and I made an appointment to see a therapist for MYSELF. He is doing it and I can tell you he is colder than ever. he can disconnect easier. He will be okay without me. I should be okay too. I am not his prize, I am his possession and the one regret I have was giving in to his demands of giving myself up. I was never jealous, self conscious, gross looking, or possessive. 

I was energetic, loving, caring, trusting, honest, and all to a fault. I accept that I did my part to mess up too. I scream and yell and get aggressive when we fight and argue. I have that problem. I became that person when I gave up my life to make him happy. He will never admit to it, and it hurts, but messed up too. It was a reaction to him and one that I should have ended MANY years ago, before I got pregnant, before we got married, before anything. I should have done so much differently but I did not. The past is gone, and the future I cannot control. I can only control now. What I am doing now. And I will try everyday of this painful journey to get myself back to the young, vibrant, spirit I was before him. Before I married at 18 years young and had a child with him. 

I do not regret my kid, I love them so much and I thank GOD I have them with him. I really believe in my hear he wont be a deadbeat dad. and I will always and forever love him for loving me and giving me my kids, but I have to take my sanity back. I need to regroup. 

I think my confusion now lies in this thought... What could I have done differently? Am I wrong for leaving him? Why am I feeling so guilty? I feel he does love me, but I don't trust him at all. HE lies so much. and the manipulation with his jealousy was very hard to deal with. My mind is shot. Did I push him to lie? Did I do this all to myself? I'm beating a dead horse here, but these are the things making me cry now... Regret, guilt, and trying to figure out what I did wrong. 

Any thoughts?


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## turnera

The thing is, most of us don't just wake up knowing all the answers to do things right. We LEARN those things, along the way, over time, and usually by making mistakes. So what you are doing, where you are now, is precisely where you should be. Becoming aware, learning to have boundaries, taking care of yourself after trying this experiment you now know was flawed.

There is no guilt in that. There was nothing you could have done before you knew to do it. You are not wrong for leaving, as he was supposed to care for you just as much as you have cared for him - and he didn't. He broke that covenant. So be at peace.

And use this time to read. Have you read this: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft | 9780425191651 | Paperback | Barnes & Noble


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## mishu143

turnera said:


> The thing is, most of us don't just wake up knowing all the answers to do things right. We LEARN those things, along the way, over time, and usually by making mistakes. So what you are doing, where you are now, is precisely where you should be. Becoming aware, learning to have boundaries, taking care of yourself after trying this experiment you now know was flawed.
> 
> There is no guilt in that. There was nothing you could have done before you knew to do it. You are not wrong for leaving, as he was supposed to care for you just as much as you have cared for him - and he didn't. He broke that covenant. So be at peace.
> 
> And use this time to read. Have you read this: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft | 9780425191651 | Paperback | Barnes & Noble


Hi Turnera!

Thank you for that, its nice to know it part of the process. I think a lot of it is because he still acts like if nothing has happened. like if he deserves to be here. He blames me, and tells me that I kicked him out when he forgets all that led to his departure. 

I feel like I'm still defending him at times, but I just want to be fair. I don't want to bash him. At this point for whatever reason I am now blaming myself for not being able to keep my marriage together. Yes he screwed up on me a lot, but before all that he has his kind heart and good qualities which I slowly destroyed *****in about money. Regret is awful and I'm feeling a lot of it lately. This is where that question comes in... If im still wondering what I could have done differently, does that mean I still want to try? I think so, but the truth is that when he is around me a simple question from him causes me to blow up. I cant deal with a simple question anymore because of all the interrogations I have been through with him. Then the good comes back and I say but look at what he did here and there and blah blah blah....It wasn't all bad, there was good too. but the bad has now taken over and I don't want to keep fighting to keep him when I know all the drama that comes with it. 

last night I picked him up at the airport, he didn't look at me, did not say hi. nothing, just complained a bit about my trunk being full and then when he got in the car, he asked me why the passenger side sun visor was down... and it irked me, the first thought that hit me was... wtf? what r you insinuating? then I just looked at him and said I don't know. So you see my issues....It could simply be me overreacting to his questions, or him not realizing he really needs to quit the dumb ass questions. 

uuughhh theres my regret again. Whatever. 

Geeeez this sucks really bad.


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## TooNice

Sometimes it is not worth the effort to rehash the past. It happened the way it did for a reason. We grow, we learn. We move forward. We can live our lives wondering what we could have done differently, but we can't actually make the past any different! 

It's good that you are starting therapy. It will help you with that. Turnera is right... Just focus on you now.


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## mishu143

we still haven't told the kids. And my son is not chump. he knows something is up and I want to sit him down and tell him but his dad wants to be there, yet he hasn't acted like this is a true separation. HE has slept here twice, once before his flight and one when he got back. my son wants to see his dad, and his dad hasn't bothered to call him or me so that we can discuss how or when we are going to tell him.


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## turnera

Tell your son yourself. You H can talk to him, too, later. He just wants to be there so he can make sure you don't say anything bad about him. See, he doesn't even respect you enough to think you'll be fair.


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## mishu143

He cheated on me during his trip. Texting the girl back and forth. I called her, she didnt answer and texted her letting her know he was married and slept in my bed on Friday despite what he said to her.... He is still married... She hasn't responded and I don't care if I ever get a definite answer, he gave it to me with his lack of a response, I know him better than he knows himself. 

I'm a piece of meat to him, that's all. And tommorrow I'm calling the attorney and charging all his fees on his credit card... I'm so done with this loser. What a fu.king prick..... Wow I'm so hurt, wow.... Omg wow..... Raw feelings all over again. Wow


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## mishu143

The woman replied, " thank you for the text. I do NOT date married men!!! You never have to worry about me texting or calling him again.". My ****ing life! What a douche bag, and I'm a bigger douche for screwing him before he left. Wtf is wrong with me?


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## mishu143

She swears she met him Saturday and it didnt go beyond texts.... Either way he was fishing for a new fish... Then he has the nerve to come over here and try to take away the check card like if I did something to him. I kicked his ass out like the dog he is, my neighbor came out and saw it all, so now not only am I the ugly biotch that he cheated on, I made myself look like a ghetto ho by screaming out you cheated on me i front of my damn neighbors! How embarrassing! Wow! I'm so ashamed of myself.


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## turnera

Why? I'd be proud of you if I saw you doing that!


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## mishu143

turnera said:


> Why? I'd be proud of you if I saw you doing that!


Lmao I wish I could be proud of myself. What a damn dog. Cheating piece of crap. I'm so angry I could blow steam outta my ears.... I'm so hurt and I want to cry but my kids aren't asleep yet... Damn me. I'm so pissed off, what the hell do I do now. I'm stuck with the kids and can't do anything to blow off some steam...


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## turnera

Put in a video for the kids, run in the bathroom, turn on the shower, jump in, and scream your head off for a couple minutes. Then cry.


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## mishu143

*Re: finally going through with the divorce please help*

Say something, I'm giving up on you 
I'll be the one, if you want me to 
Anywhere, I would've followed you 
Say something, I'm giving up on you 

And I am feeling so small 
It was over my head 
I know nothing at all 

And I will stumble and fall 
I'm still learning to love 
Just starting to crawl 

Say something, I'm giving up on you 
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you 
Anywhere, I would've followed you 
Say something, I'm giving up on you 

And I will swallow my pride 
You're the one that I love 
And I'm saying goodbye 

Say something, I'm giving up on you 
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you 
And anywhere, I would've followed you 

Say something, I'm giving up on you 

Say something, I'm giving up on you 
Say something


Best song ever, made me cry the very first time I heard it, tugged at my situation like I have never ever felt.... This feeling is awful, want to vomit,


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## mishu143

And to put the cherry on the cake he tells me I mess everything up for him, guess the ow told him to **** off!


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## turnera

Yay! Something to celebrate!


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## Satya

*Re: Re: finally going through with te divorce please help*



turnera said:


> And use this time to read. Have you read this: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft | 9780425191651 | Paperback | Barnes & Noble


I cannot recommend this book enough. It is very eye-opening and therapeutic because it's full of knowledge about behavior we have learned over time to excuse. There is NO excusing abusive behavior. It helps you to regain your power. Well, it helped me in this respect for sure. 

I got the Kindle version after my divorce and I keep reading it periodically.


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## mishu143

turnera said:


> Yay! Something to celebrate!


Lmfao... That is a positive from it all right, to be quite honest, I believe this was GOD answering my prayers about him. It just seems weird how everything has worked out, 

MY GUILT AND ANY CONFUSION I HAD I GONE BABY GONE! I am relieved and happy, I have nothing else to cry over. Going to take this time I am waiting for the childcare help to clean out my house and pack his crap, I will even deliver it for him...clown,

His godmother, who also became my godmother for my confirmation spoke to me and really relieve a lot of my anxieties too. That was also a god send. I think now the crying is just me realizing what a dumdum I was letting myself become.


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## mishu143

Satya said:


> I cannot recommend this book enough. It is very eye-opening and therapeutic because it's full of knowledge about behavior we have learned over time to excuse. There is NO excusing abusive behavior. It helps you to regain your power. Well, it helped me in this respect for sure.
> 
> I got the Kindle version after my divorce and I keep reading it periodically.


Thank you Satya. I think someone else recommended it. I have to wait till I start working to buy anything right now. Hes holding money over my head. Screw him and his money. I am just waiting for it all to come together.


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## TooNice

I'm sorry this happened, but it sure sounds like it gave you what you needed to take the next step. Silver linings, right? 

And he seriously tried to blame you for messing up his chances with this other girl???? Wow... Glad he could make things nice and clear for you!


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## mishu143

TooNice said:


> I'm sorry this happened, but it sure sounds like it gave you what you needed to take the next step. Silver linings, right?
> 
> And he seriously tried to blame you for messing up his chances with this other girl???? Wow... Glad he could make things nice and clear for you!


TooNice you have no idea how much relief I got from this!!!!! SERIOUSLY I thank the lord for this eye opening moment. Convinient liar!! His excuse was, "you wanted to divorce me remember?". 

I said, "what a convenient excuse, on Friday you didn't want a divorce, you got me in bed, and you were happy, to then only go an prove what a piece of crap I am to you. thank you for taking away any doubt I had about my choice to divorce you. you made it clearer than ever to me. have a pleasant life." 

and I haven't answered of texted him back once! I also don't plan to. the kids can call him and I will text him before they do so, so he knows it isn't me he is ignoring. 

I just got a text from our phone company, he changed the password, and he took me off as an authorized person to make decisions....lol... lol...im rolling around like a pig in sh*t.... 

all I want now is to find a job!! I really want this childcare thing to go through!!!! OMG!!! I cant wait o get out there and make my money!!!


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## turnera

mishu143 said:


> Thank you Satya. I think someone else recommended it. I have to wait till I start working to buy anything right now. Hes holding money over my head. Screw him and his money. I am just waiting for it all to come together.


Library. 

You should be taking your kids there anyway, right?


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## mishu143

turnera said:


> Library.
> 
> You should be taking your kids there anyway, right?


Good one, yes I should but I don't, my daughter is the loudest three year old ever! lol.... we get most of my sons boo through his scholastic account and the library has an online catalog so I will search there... push comes to shove I will buy it as soon as I have some money in my acct.


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## mishu143

so before the whole thing went down last night I got smart and forwarded his emails to myself, the jackass joined a dating site!!

WTF!!!!>>>>>???? 

I know I am not supposed to care, but come on! that really hurts, and I didn't follow the 180, I texted him that he was the biggest piece of crap in the world and why would he hurt me like he does? that he only hates me for catching him and calling him out like the dog he is and I had to find that crap. He thinks I got into his email so at least he didn't see the forwarding I put into his settings. Im floored. 

Ladies, Men, what the hell? I dealt with so much crap to be flung out like this. Like a piece of poop that no one cares about. What makes it all the more hurtful is that he slept with me like if nothing was wrong. I was already doubting myself for the separation, but now I am glad. I am. cuz my doubt is gone. 

But I feel so lost, so hurt, my heart doesn't stop fluttering. its like I skip a beat every couple of seconds and cant catch my breath at all. Im so hurt. So hurt So hurt. My life is upside down and he continues to blame me like I was some piece of crap that never did anything good for him. 

I hate him and love him all at the same time. I really do. I just want it all to be over so I can move on. And I don't mean to another relationship, I mean just move on. Put it behind me. My kid is on spring break this week. 

he is 7. Im going to talk to him tonight so he has time to process it all during his break. Im really sad. want to cry and scream and everything but im always with my kids. NEVER ever have time alone. I have to wait till they r in bed and that is forever away. 

WOW! all this pain sucks, it truly does...


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## turnera

mishu, I know several men, people my H has worked with, who simply believe that as a man, it's their right to get as much sex as they can, anywhere, anytime, anyhow ("hey, I'm a man, I got needs..."). They were just raised to believe it and nothing will ever get them to understand it's wrong. Somewhere along the line, no mother or father ever sat them down and taught them to respect women and not to use them. Sadly, you stumbled onto one. 

But now you know better and you will make better choices in the future. I often say that first marriages are often for making the mistakes you must make, to learn and grow, so you can do better the next time.


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## mishu143

Tell me about it. As much as I know that, im still feeling sick and in pain. 

About jobs, I am very smart, have an associates degree because its all I could finish, started within a program for Social work, to only have to stop because he wouldn't help me out with the crazy schedule changes. So now I applied to dental hygiene, which is a full time program for two years. Im thinking about waitressing for the flexibility. My other option is to try to get a county job for the benefits and pay. But the reality is, I don't want to get stuck with a job I hate and never move up. I wanted to do dental hygiene because I get to work with small tools, work with different people all the time, and have the potential to make as much as I want as a self employed person if I wanted to work for multiple practices. 

I tell myself that two years of sacrifice, working, school, and probably only spending quality time with my kids on the weekends will be worth it when I am done. But im not sure. Did any of you go through this? having o work and go to school and care for kids al alone? he says he will be a good dad, but I have the feeling that just to spite me, he will make it hard on me and not help me with my schedule needs. 

I feel stuck all the time. 

and then I say well if I take a count job at the low end pay scale, it isn't terrible pay, and if I do good I can hopefully move up. but the truth is, all these jobs now want degrees. degrees don't prove the quality of the employee. It only proves they finished school. 

My nerves are just working extra hard t try to figure this all out.
how did you all cope when all your resources were pulled from under you?


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## turnera

That's a good plan. I know someone doing the dental hygenist route. They make good money!

btw, I worked full time and went to night school to get my Bachelors - for 15 years!


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## mishu143

Turnera, how?? How did you do it? do you have kids? Mine are small, so I was thinking during the day I have to go to school, then I can work at night at a restaurant to make up the hours I need for the daycare assistance. I think I have to work 30 hours for them to pay for my childcare. Im not sure if they pay if I go to school, but either way they will atleast have care during the day while I am at school, and then I was hoping their dad would pick up the slack at night for me to be able to work at night waitressing. I was a hostess in high school so I am aware of the job and the ease of making money for a few hours work. 

How did you get it done?? I haveno one to help me out besides the douche and he doesn't do I now that we are married. 

BTW is it sick of me to continue to see all hi emails? It maes me sick and cry because he has two girls now talking to him back and forth, im sick and feel so hurt. What a damn douche.


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## turnera

I started when I was 18 (my mom moved away the month I graduated high school, so I had to get a full-time job), married when I was 21, and didn't have my daughter until I was 31. I had her in my next to last semester, lol. I think that's why I stayed in my marriage, because he was working and I was at school, so we didn't really see each other that much the first 10 years, so it was tolerable. 

fwiw, I tried hiring a neighbor to watch DD but switched to a real day care when she was 2; the day care was FAR better for her than staying at home with someone. 

Please cut yourself off from his emails. They don't matter to you any more.


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## TooNice

Stop the emails. Right now. Go!

Did you do it?

Okay.

I took 20 years to get my bachelor's. I was 39 when I finished. H was supportive, but worked far away through much of it, so I there were lots of nights I didn't start my homework until 10! I worked full time and did night school...then part time and day classes until I had to be in school full time at the end. It was hard, and my son was probably self sufficient earlier than I would have liked, but I did it, and my family got to see me work hard for what I wanted. I don't regret it at all. 

You can do anything you set your mind to. I truly believe that. 

I agree with the daycare option, too. We are still friends with some of the families we met there!


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## turnera

Same here. Our best friends are a couple whose son is still friends with DD.


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## mishu143

yea the daycare thing isn't the problem for me. I found one I really like for them both to attend. My older one for afterschool care and the little one for the pre-school part of it. Im okay with that. the problem I keep running into is that if and when I get into the dental hygiene, it full time 8am-5pm Monday thru Friday. I have to work 30 hours to get the daycare help. so I would have to work nights, and that's where the daycare issue comes in. Daycares here close at 6-7pm, I don't have anyone to watch them while Im at work. NOONE. Ive tried figuring it out but to no avail. my only option at this point is to have the douche pick them up after work and take them to his home and I will pick them up when im done working....sounds okay but reality is I don't know if he will, I don't know if I will evn make enough to cover my bills and the gas (60 miles back and forth just to ick them up from his place if he decides to live close to his job instead of the kids). I don't know, im jumping the gun. 

about the emails... I KNOW I SHOULDNT BUT IM SO UPSET AND ANGRY AND HURT AND EVERY FEELING POSSIBLE I am feeling. I just wanted to find out how big of a douche he is. I guess there is no such thing as a little douche...lol...but you gotta understand how horrible all this is, im sure you do. I just hate the feeling.
so to summarize: the night time care is the issue.... also how did you guys deal with the guilt of not seeing them? I am going from stay at home mom to working literally all day and night and not seeing them at all! that's the quilt part of it all...


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## mishu143

and I have no choice but to go to school full time in the day. Its part of the program. I HAVE TO DO IT>>>>you see what I mean.


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## turnera

What's this 30 hour requirement thing? Is it a specific place you're getting daycare from? Look for more options. Check United Way. 

As for guilt...what guilt! Kids LOVE daycare - it's full-time fun, activities, and friends. And when they get home (once you finish the program), all the rest of your time is going to be all about them, and that's what matters. 

What you're confusing it with is YOUR sadness at not getting to be with them. We all get that. But this is your life now, and it will be a far better one than compromising all your dreams and integrity just to get to stay home with them. Besides, they're getting older and soon you won't even have a reason for being a SAHM. 

And fwiw, my DD23 doesn't even REMEMBER ANYTHING before the age of 5; most kids don't. What you feel you're going to miss out on is YOUR memories, not theirs. So don't be thinking you're depriving them of magical moments, cos they'll be too busy having fun in whatever form it takes.


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## turnera

mishu143 said:


> about the emails... I KNOW I SHOULDNT BUT IM SO UPSET AND ANGRY AND HURT AND EVERY FEELING POSSIBLE I am feeling. I just wanted to find out how big of a douche he is.


And now you know so there's no more reason to investigate.

Stop it.


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## Betrayedone

As a man it hurts me when I see situations such as yours. I believe, as a general rule, that women get screwed over by a mans bad, less than honorable behavior. Women just want to be loved..............You will survive, thrive, and be better in the long run. Peace to you


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## mishu143

Betrayedone said:


> As a man it hurts me when I see situations such as yours. I believe, as a general rule, that women get screwed over by a mans bad, less than honorable behavior. Women just want to be loved..............You will survive, thrive, and be better in the long run. Peace to you


thanks betrayedone. I am hurting but at the same time I am grateful for finding out again and seeing it all in black and white. I feel for you too. I've read your threads. Why is it our spouse pickers are off.... sad thing is I saw it from the beginning but believed the BS coming out of his mouth. Never again...

Too my lady friends about the kids....m not worried about the daytime part...its the night time thing that has me stressed out. I have to work 30 hours a week because its a requirement in florida for the cash assistance part of welfare. I applied for cash assistance because they help you pay for daycare while I look for work. for them to keep paying it I have to work atleast 30 hours. There is another program here but they have a waiting list that is two years long. when I finally got my appointment for funds, I wasn't working, and I was between semesters so I lost my place. ITs a bummer that the honest people cant get help but the trash that sucks welfare dry cling to it and lie through it to get their benefits. I called united way too and they sent me to a place that sent me back to cash assistance. Florida is the worst state in the planet. It really is!

and I have to work because I have to pay my bills. so go figure... 

Again its the night time thing im worried about. so yea. I don't know. Im in limbo. And yes Im done looking at the email. your right, he isn't my problem anymore. Just hurts how quickly I became replaced.


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## mishu143

I just told my boy, he was heartbroken. He just kept sayng he didn't care if we fight he just wants a daddy in the house. He didn't want to lose his daddy like his cousins did. Those fathers are mostly deadbeat dads...im hoping this guy wont prove to be one too. I don't see that happening. I pray it wont. He is hurting. 

But for the most part I think he is okay. I think he is just scared he wont see his dad ever again. Now im just afraid of how to tell el douche thati told the boy without him. I know he will be upset, but I was clear and simply told him we fight too much and we both love each other and tried but it just wasnt getting better. 
He sorta blamed me. Said "why couldn't you stop fighting with him. you have a bad temper." from the mouths of babes... ugggh it killed me when he blamed me, but all I said was it wasn't my fault or daddys. we just fight too much and we love each other a lot but we haven't figured it out. And we love him a lot and are doing what we think is best for him and his sister.

Terrible. simply put.


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## turnera

Have you looked into scholarships and grants? I know an airline pilot, of all people, who got a full ride grant to go back and get a new degree. The US website has tons and tons of grants to go through.


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## mishu143

turnera said:


> Have you looked into scholarships and grants? I know an airline pilot, of all people, who got a full ride grant to go back and get a new degree. The US website has tons and tons of grants to go through.


What website is that? as far as financial aid I know will qualify or a few things but not much.


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## turnera

Home | GRANTS.GOV

I looked once but was too daunted by all the pages. Need to go back.


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## TooNice

Also try some of the scholarship search sites like Fastweb. Many of the ones they offer do not apply to non-traditional students, but some do. I even got one!

Talk to a counselor in your school's financial aid office, too. They often know extra ways to find money. 

When you find the right resources and get on the right path (and I know you will!) nothing will stop this from happening for you.


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## mishu143

This man does not cease to amaze me. Now he cant give me a time to have the kids ready for pick up. I'm not playing his games, I got sucked in for a minute but them pulled back when I realized where it was going. He keeps blaming me for everything. I'm a ***** because I am. I was born that way, not that he lied to me and caused me to be resentful with the lies upon lies upon lies... Jesus, what sis I get myself into. What a narcissistic POS. IT is all my fault he keeps fishing for new girls. imagine that.... I took him by the hand and made him write texts to them and join date sites. 

This is heart wrenchig. I just want to work. Start my life and never look back. I honestly hate him. I hate him with a burning passion. I hate that I loved someone who could be such a POS. This guy was an exact replica of my POS dad and I didn't se it until now. I hate him.


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## mishu143

so the kids are back and my son is fine!!! Im so happy!!! after his dad argued with me about talking to our boy about it, I explained all I said and he finally got over it and explained the same thing. He didn't get him that cellphone instead buying him shoes, so im grateful for that too. I really don't see the need for a 7 year old to have cell phone. Anyway, my son came home happy that mommy and daddy were going to share him. 

I asked STBXH for gas money and he said he spent it all on shoes. and after telling him wel I have no gas, what do I do now. I need gas, he went to the bathroom and said get a job. which ofcourse got me upset and I said im trying, I need daycare first. Ugggh so tired of him. 

Thank you all for supporting me. This has been really hard.


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## mishu143

I'm on season three of the show MAD MEN and boy do I hate the main character....exactly like my STBXH. uuuuurrrrgggghhhh I hate him! Lol just thought I would share...


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## mishu143

To be fair to the STBXH, he wasn't as bad as the main character lol, he came home at night, but only GOD knows what he did when he wasn't home, turns out his workplace is pretty much the sex sesspool just like the show..and he is a smooth talker with a lot of stories and excuses.....lmao.... Oh my god I can only laugh.... Wish I had a bottle of anything to drink... Urrrrghhhh today was smooth, but now it's all flooding in.


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## TooNice

Sounds like you've been through a lot in the past few days. Be kind to yourself and take some time to process. The next steps will work themselves out. They always do. (((Hugs)))


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## mishu143

TooNice said:


> Sounds like you've been through a lot in the past few days. Be kind to yourself and take some time to process. The next steps will work themselves out. They always do. (((Hugs)))


Thank you toonice.... Wish I had people like you guys here with me.... I'm feeling lonely and bored.... I feel like crying from the boredom and loneliness. But move forward, btw, I got news about the childcare assistance! I have to register for work now and hopefully all else will fall in place. Prayer is all that is getting me through. THANK YOU ALL, AND MOST OF ALL THANK YOU LORD!


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## TooNice

Congrats on the news-that's great to hear! See, things are already falling into place for you!

I get it about the lonely and bored. I posted in another thread that my family is gone overnight and I didn't even want to come home. I don't want to feel what it's going to feel like when I have my own place. It's too hard.


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## mishu143

@TooNice, 

I think it will get better once the kids and I have a set schedule for them to spend with their dad and then I can plan myself accordingly. Im here for you whenever you wanna vent. 

today was a bit stressful, had to spend the day with his family after the kids went to church classes. IT was nice because they did it so I wouldn't feel shuned and outta the loop. But he was there and had to act like an ass. So I started crying and he finally left. When he came back, he tried apologizing and I just said okay yea no problem. Left it at that, but then he went on about how the last girl was because I made him feel bad blah blah blah. I told him to screw himself with his crap. Im not buying it anymore. He had his way with me and then too off with some other girl he met the same day he was saying he loved me and wanted to come home. I just shut the door to my car and left.

Then he apologized via text that he was very sorry for acting like a douche. He doesn't have his emotions under control... I didn't even answer back. 

I just want to move on at this point.


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## TooNice

I think you handled that beautifully. It's nice that his family is working to keep you feeling included right now. That says a lot. I can see how that would be hard though. No one in our family knows, so it's really really hard for me when we have family events, knowing that one day I won't be there. 

Keep handling him the way you are. You did nothing wrong, and he has no right to try to blame you for anything. Be strong, girl!


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## mishu143

Im sorry too nice, It is very hard. I hope and pray it all works out for the best with you. It is tough, but the thing about me ad his family is that I have always been vocal about our problems, which was a mistake and one I regret with all my heart. At the same time it helped because they are well aware of the situation, whether he wants to be honest or not. 

In the end, it doesn't matter because in the end he is the only one that can fix it. My mistake was thinking his family was going to open his eyes for his wrong doings, but I was wrong instead for seeking help from them. 

I do appreciate that they are making me feel welcome. I guess now the goal is to just keep my boundaries set, and remind them I have always been and will always be the boss in regards to my kids and their well being. He will have to determine when and where his family will visit the kids on his days. I don't want to be a complete ass about it either because I need to keep my bridges open incase I need help with the kids... etc...

I am trying really hard to not care what he says to me. I just hope that he will regret losing me. I know that sounds petty, but I do. I hope he regrets it with all his heart and cries to me and begs to me for forgivesness, which I will pray for because I want to forgive, but im mad. Anyways we shall see where it goes.


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## mishu143

SOOO I am home with the kids, working hard to get myself financially able to support myself an the kids, and doing everything I have to do not think about him and what he has done to me. 

I asked him for money because I have needs....and he said he didn't have any....sooo I said okay. I guess I have to wait then, but yesterday he called me and told me he bought new tires for the car and he would get mine next week. I said okay fine whatever (remember I kept the crappy car because it has no payments, and gave him the one I have been driving around because it does have payments.) I figured he used credit to buy his tires and I didn't care because its his debt and h will have to deal with it, I wont have to deal with his horrible money management!! YEY!!!

but then he again calls me today and asks or niece if he wanted restaurant food somewhere they were out... 

and I know I will get in trouble for this you guys, but it just came out....

"WHAT THE HELL....!!!! You told me you cant give me any money to buy what I needed and I left you alone, but your out getting 4 new tires for your car and buying food out in the street!!! but I cant buy toothpaste because you have no money!!!"

Way to go me... total detachment there (sarcasm)... Urgggh 

I just keep praying I get on my feet quickly. I will never again depend on another man!! EVER AGAIN!!!!I will work until my fingers bleed, whether I marry the richest man in the world or not. I will never be this vulnerable again!! As soon as I finish this school thing, I wont make TONS of money, but I will make an average wage and o that I will be able to support my kids on without having to say no all the time!!

Does anyone get how bad it feels to not be able to go buy toothpaste because you have absolutely no money?! multiple that feeling by 1000 and that's what im feeling because it is for my kids. 

I can do without. I wont make my kids do without for the sake of his finances.


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## turnera

Have you tried United Way yet?


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## mishu143

yes they referred me to a local agency that referred me back to cash assistance. 

I did the application already and was approved to register for work. So that is the next step before they actually start helping me with the childcare portion of it.

This is the most degrading process I have ever been through. I did everything the way I was supposed to... yet here I am asking for a hand.... this sucks... ppppfffft.


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## turnera

eh, that's what the hands are for. At least you're not one of those people who goes out and has 10 kids and expects the government to support them for the rest of their life to do it. The whole point of assistance is to assist people who are in a temporary place of hurt. You, I, and everyone else is perfectly happy to pay taxes and elsewise contribute so that this can happen.


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## TooNice

As usual, I agree with turnera. Assistance programs are just that...they are there to assist you through through times. There is no shame in using it to help you get though. You will soon enough be in a position where you are paying back into it. Right now, do what you need to do!


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## mishu143

That's the degrading thing... Im being honest about it all, but what I have noticed is when you are honest they find a way to not help you!

Then you get to those people who have the ten kids and live off the system, or better said, know how to milk the system, and get away with it....

LMAO I am watching the walking dead, and this doritos commercial came on with a dad I the time machine! LOL super funny, took me right outta my mood. 

Ladies thank you so much for your encouragement. I appreciate it so much!!!


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## turnera

And what about Glen and Maggie?! Woo hoo!


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## mishu143

Love that they are back together! Hehe


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## Malpheous

pffftt I'll be happy when Daryl finds Beth.


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## mishu143

Malpheous said:


> pffftt I'll be happy when Daryl finds Beth.


Really? Beth? I am rooting more for Carol and Daryl... especially now that she was ale to fess up to what happened in the prison.


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## turnera

I've never seen an actor/character who is so appealing and unappealing at the same time as Daryl. He's an enigma.


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## mishu143

turnera said:


> I've never seen an actor/character who is so appealing and unappealing at the same time as Daryl. He's an enigma.


YES, Im totally in love with him because he was able to change from bad to good. He was able to let go of all his insecurities and found what he is good at.... ahhhh if only... lol

to another topic, 

Is it normal that im trolling into my past.... lol... past boyfriends and stuff.... looking to feel good again, and I know a hook up wont do it.... uggghhh this sucks!!!


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## turnera

Yeah, WAY too soon for that kind of thing. Keep your integrity. In the end, it's all you have.


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## mishu143

Yea, integrity is all I have at this point. I think it is just the fact that it is all down the drain and we are done. I have to focus on myself. Going to get treadmill and start running. 

Time to los some major weight. No guy is going to make me feel good. Thank you Turnera!!


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## TooNice

Good for you! I've been running, too...it helps a ton. The yoga I just started helps, also. My therapist threw that one into my treatment plan.  Have you run before? If you have a smartphone, there are some awesome Couch to 5k apps that work really well to keep you on track. Let me know if you need a virtual running buddy! (I'm on MyFitnessPal, too!)


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## mishu143

@toonice, 

I have a fitness pal too but I don't have an android. Im on dinosaur time with my cellphone....lol....my many sacrifices to help the STBXH get ahead at work....I haven't been loggin in though lately. 

So yes lets be virtual running buddies!! I need the boost... I have 55lbs to lose...


----------



## Catherine602

About the helping hand from society - you actually paid forward. You paid your taxes and didn't begrudge giving others a hand when they needed. You put in your fair share in and and will again when you get on your feet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mishu143

Catherine602 said:


> About the helping hand from society - you actually paid forward. You paid your taxes and didn't begrudge giving others a hand when they needed. You put in your fair share in and and will again when you get on your feet.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you Catherine! I think pride sometimes gets in the way of seeing it the way I should, but I'm taking it... No choice at all.... I'm just glad I'm getting it all done one step at a time. I think too far ahead in advance and drive myself nuts for no reason, but I'm working on it. I have my first appointment with a therapist tomorrow... We shall see how it all goes...


----------



## mishu143

So, I went to my first counseling session and it was very productive! We made a plan and let lose on the issues I eel I have and want to work on.... 

On my way home, the STBXH asked me to meet him at the bowling alley with the kids and our niece, so I did.... (We had purchased a birthday package for our son back in January and since he had to watch them it was a great time for him to use it). I met him, we had a few beers and after two fun hours of bowling we came home. My neice picked up her bag and left with him so he could take her to his sisters house. 

He tried kissing me on the lips several times, usually something he does after I've had a few beers with him, he thinks I get lose after a few, well surprise I didn't let him kiss me. I was nice about it and just kept putting my face down. He isn't getting apiece of me anymore. 

Last night he also started buggin me about how he missed me but I told him straight up, if you did you wouldn't have slept with me one night and the next gone looking for new a$$. 

I know I have to be nice in order to get what I need from him ( like helping me with the kids once I start going to school and working) but hey everyone in a while I feel I have to put him in his place.... He made this mess, I'm not cleaning it for him anymore....

Sure things weren't perfect,but they were okay, and no matter what there is no excuse for stepping out of your marriage, emotionally or physically.... 

He is an attention *****, and I will never be able to change it, only he can, except now it won't be to save his marriage. That is gone... 

Tonight I have reawaken, and I hope to be able to keep up the positive attitude. 

I have good days, bad, days, and inbetween days. Today was a better day... I hope for more.


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## TooNice

Good for you. I love the better days. You definitely have more of them waiting for you.


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## mishu143

TooNice said:


> Good for you. I love the better days. You definitely have more of them waiting for you.


I'm trying to, I am, but I'm scared and nervous and worried. I am afraid of being rejected once is tart looking for work, afraid of what my income may or may not be, afraid of my schedule, afraid of how mykids will be cared for.... Uggggh fear sucks....

How are you guys doing?


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## turnera

the more good days you have, the easier they will become. 

As long as you don't live above your means, any job will do. For now. Just getting out is what matters right now.


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## mishu143

turnera said:


> the more good days you have, the easier they will become.
> 
> As long as you don't live above your means, any job will do. For now. Just getting out is what matters right now.


Thanks Turnera. staying within my means was never an issue. I dress like a homeless person just to stay within my means... lol and that's when I was married... I know will be better off because I can manage my money, but with school and everything in between im just not sure how much I will be able to work while im in school. I went to the first counseling session and it was nice to let it all out. Im such a worry wart, but she said it was good cause that makes me reliable and responsible. Im thinking ahead... but at the same time I need to slow down. 

I found out I will be needing surgery and that is freaking me out...It so much crap that keep thinking how the hell m I gong to keep a job.... tough... tough... I made all the appointment nesesarry so I can get anything I have to get done before I get my childcare stuff and have to start working. Im so frustrated.... I am... and I know you all keep seeing me say it over and over, goin through the bad days and then coming back into positive days, but days like today freak me out. And its not one surgery, It is two. so go figure!


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## TooNice

Fear does suck. But the feeling you get when you overcome your fears is amazing.


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## turnera

Stick with the counseling, it will help.


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## mishu143

I can't get peace!! I did all I had to do, except change the locks. I cant. In my state I have to sere him with court orders to not come into my home again and since I cant pay the attorney for it, I cant do crap about him coming into my da house!! HE came in jus now, he had called me earlier and his claim is I am drunk....

TAM I am not drunk, I have had three cans of beer in three days!! one a day, along with a smoke. 

His excuse is he was worried about his kids. They are asleep when I decide to take a can of beer and drink with a smoke. Something I never ever do, but im so lonely and stressed that I do it to just cope with my situation right now. And its one freaking can of beer!! So according to him I am slurring and drunk!!!

He is the biggest POS in the planet. I hate him. Hes only doing this because im not buying what he is selling. 

Geeez, this feels terrible. I don't even feel safe in my home to do as I please AFTER my kids fall asleep!!! Im not doing anything wrong, and yet he got me so upset I started screaming at him to get the hell out of my house. Since he wouldn't I ran into the bathroom and started crying so hard I was overwhelmed and felt like I was having a panic attack!

I feel desperate. I don't want him to have access to my home. What can I do when I don't even have the money to pay for an attorney! I don't want him to have access to my home. This is not his home!! HE moved out!! why does he have to torment me and call me a drunk when he knows I am not. I never ever bought alcohol when we were married. 

Im going through a tough time and drinking one freaking beer with a smoke helps me relax a bit so I can watch tv before bed. 

I hate him


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## TooNice

I am so, so sorry this happened. Is he gone now?


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## mishu143

TooNice said:


> I am so, so sorry this happened. Is he gone now?


Yes when I was in the bathroom crying he left. I f*cking hate him!! Every time I am making peace with the idea of my new life he comes in and ruins it for me. I have been wanting to run and I can not because my treadmill is tripping up the plug so I need an extension cord to plug it into a another lug and since Im broke I am waiting for my brother to bring me his (he is a bachelor who behaves like one lol). 

I know I should not pay my STBXH any mind, especially when I know what I am doing and what I am not, but it is hard. the hurt still hurts. The poke still bugs me, and the sting still stings... what else can I do?


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## TooNice

The first thing you need to do is show him that he doesn't have power over you. If you honestly have no legal recourse to keep him out of your home right now, then tell him you want him to notify you before he comes over. When he's there, whether he gave you notice or not, be calm and cool. You can lose it when he leaves. Don't let him see that he can make you emotional. It gives him something to work with. 

Secondly, are you close to your brother? Have you told him how much you need this to be taken care of? How very important it is to you? Tell him you'll share your beer with him if he gets your treadmill working!

I know the hurt is hard. I posted about that today, too. It's just overwhelming some days. I get it. But we can't let them see how bad it is. That's for us to share here. (((Hugs)))


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## turnera

The next time he comes into your house, call 911 and say he's an intruder and then turn your phone on to Record so you record anything he says. Let him explain to the cops why he's there. If he comes in again after that, go to the police station and file a restraining order because you're now afraid for your life because he's harassing you and mentally abusing you. He will have to stay X feet away from you at all times. Come on, mishu, get smart about this.


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## mishu143

turnera said:


> The next time he comes into your house, call 911 and say he's an intruder and then turn your phone on to Record so you record anything he says. Let him explain to the cops why he's there. If he comes in again after that, go to the police station and file a restraining order because you're now afraid for your life because he's harassing you and mentally abusing you. He will have to stay X feet away from you at all times. Come on, mishu, get smart about this.


Turnera, I wish I could, but until I get a court order I cannot keep him out. He has to have access to his home....trust me I don't like it, but its legal advice and the law in my state that has kept me from changing the locks. The last time we separated he came into our home and took away my computer and I called the cops for theft and they told me plain as day he can do what he wants. It is his house, his stuff (even though the computer was a gift from him to me), he can come and go and to top it off I was never supposed to kick him out. 

That's why I did not kick him out this time like he claims. He left this time but still claims I kicked him out. Im thinking of a way to ask my older brother for a loan... I want to surprise this butthole with papers, he would never see it coming since he took all of OUR money and ran with it...


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## turnera

You fear him. Get that money no matter what it takes.


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## mishu143

turnera said:


> You fear him. Get that money no matter what it takes.


Yes I do. I am not able to do crap about the situation,and I fear him because he says so many bad things about me and manipulates the truth to everyone that I worry what they think of me. I don't want people thinking things about me that aren't true. And let me be clear... no because I care, but because of my kids. I don't want them hearing the trash talk about their mother because they ill believe it. They are young. If it weren't for the kids Id disappear off the face of the earth to avoid his ridiculous behind, but the kids are here and he is their dad. And until the papers are filed and a court gives me permission to do I cant do anything about the locks. I swear, I tried....


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## turnera

Have you looked online for your city/county/state laws to see if you are allowed to do anything for your protection by yourself (without a lawyer)? Sometimes all it takes is you filling out a form or going to a courthouse. Have you called United Way? Your city's social services?


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## mishu143

turnera said:


> Have you looked online for your city/county/state laws to see if you are allowed to do anything for your protection by yourself (without a lawyer)? Sometimes all it takes is you filling out a form or going to a courthouse. Have you called United Way? Your city's social services?


Yes I have, United way I my area doesn't help with my situation, the referred me back to DCF to which I have done my applications, but they don't handle divorces. There is a legal aid in my county but it only handles domestic violence divorces. I am going to call the next county over to find out if they can help me, but I doubt it because you have to be a resident.


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## mishu143

Hi all!!

I had my first weekend away from the kids. HE took them for his first weekend...And now he has started up his nasty messeges all because he broke parts off his car trying to fit a mattress into it. IT somehow became my fault because I gave him three bags and two boxes of his stuff to get out of my house. 

GUESS WHAT!!!???? 

I PAID ABSOLUTELY NO MIND TO IT AT ALL. I IGNORED HIM!! I DID IT!! WOO-HOO....SLOWLY BUT SURELY HE IS NO LONGER GETTING TO ME. 

I am trying so hard and it is working, I just let him say what he wanted to say! and I let it go....

YEY!!


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## mishu143

Im so upset, I feel sick to my stomach.... To recap, Last Friday I asked my STBXH for some money. After he fought about it, he decided to giv me what I asked for with a CHECK! sure it wouldn't be a big deal, if I had an account to deposit the check but I don't because I depended on him... I could cash it with my license, but that was lost too. And he knew it. He knew I wouldn't be able to cash it without my license and told me very plainly and very angrily that he didn't care, it was not his problem. GREAT!! So I found a way around it, but I had to wait for the check to clear before my mother could give me the cash...a full week later...

through out the week I asked him for $20, to which I would repay when I got the money he gave me cashed. HE refused and cried that he was broke himself!! Okay fine, I was nice and tried to get by with the little bit I had. only to find out that he made reservations at a bed and breakfast yesterday for $200!!!! WTF!!!! I confronted him like the idiot I am and he said it was for him and his uncle. He tried so hard to push my buttons. Calling me names, threatning to shut off my internet. Whatever. I ignored him. Something I was never good at doing, but I succeeded...

Except, I don't feel any better. My heart is pounding, my hands are shaking, my mind is racing. Im so upset... I want to cry. I am trying to pray it out but im too upset. I wish I could follow him, and see who the new skankoid is... but for what.... even if I didn't have the kids this weekend, its a three hour drive away, and I shouldn't care right.... ?? 

I can honestly say I hate him. I hate him with every bone in my body!! I wish I never met him. I wish I didn't waste 8 years of my life on this coward pos. MAN all I want to do is cry. All I want to do is fly away and never see him again!!! I wish I didnt have kids with him so I wouldn't be tied down to him...I wish his penis would turn green and fall off!! 

I am so angry, sad, and hurt when I know I should not waste one more tear on his POS ass. 

My goodness. I feel like being good never pays off. Like me being a decent person is only hurting me...I need to ask for help and I have no money!!! I don't want to see his stupid face but I have to on Tuesday so that I can go see my counselor. 

AAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!


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## turnera

mishu, you ARE progressing. It may not feel like it, but you are. Every time you stand up to him, you get a little stronger and prouder of yourself. 

What you really need is a lawyer, so he will HAVE to give you half the money. What's going on on that front?


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## mishu143

absolutely nothing. I don't have the money period! Non at all. Im sick to my stomach because all I want is to take him for every penny I am entitiled to, when all I wanted before was to get divorced and be done with it. Now I want him to be so broke he cant woo another woman for a loooong time!! I hate that he does this...that I allow myself to feel like this ... he also has money to take yoga therapy with his therapist...yea that's right, she invited him to her yoga therapy class and he had $60 bucks to spend on it... AS$hole... 

Im so angry.. Im afraid to ask my brother for money because im sure he will say he doesn't have any, my dad too... My family sucks. My poor mom already gave me her condo and she really has no money....she bought it for me and the kids the first time I left him, so I have that guilt over me too....

Im really afraid upset, and feel torn to pieces.... the taking care of yourself part isn't working out well cuz no money to do anything nice for me... and im so stressed I eat like a pig...so all my exercise is doing nothing except asking me seat while my fatness clings on to me for dear life...I know I should use this anger to make myself better, but instead im weak... how irritating....


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## turnera

Find some yoga videos online and do them yourself. You need some destressing.

start reading articles about psychology, learn about why you're so low on yourself, find some workbooks and work on your self esteem. Spend the rest of your time finding work and looking up resources that will help you get a lawyer.


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## mishu143

HE RETURNED ONE OF MY CREDIT CARD PAYMENTS.... LIKE CANCELLED AND THEY ARE NOT PAID NOW!! HE WONT TEL ME I THE RENT AND MAINTNANCE GOT PAID EITHER, CLAIMING THAT THEY R PAID... HE SAYS IM BOTHERING HIM AT WORK. 

I cant stop crying. I finally called my older brother sobbing and told him all that was going on, but he said he will figure out what he can do for me. Im so upset, the only attorney I have gone to want the $2000 retainer... and I am guessing they are all like that in my area... how the hell can I move ahead when he wont even pay my bills... 

Im still waiting for the childcare help. I called and the good news is that they will be calling me soon with an appointment to see a social worker, but it like a never ending rollercoaster. Im so upset. How does he believe his own crap. 

HE cant pay the bills his wife and kids depend on but he can pay $200 for a ****ing hotel room. 

I cant stop crying. I just want it all to end. Im so overwhelmed at the monster this man is....My mother has always said something to me, you don't know a person until it is time to break up... that is when they show you who they really are... 

So why am I so surprised, he went the same route he did last time... stop paying for things and made my life hell ...

And I continue to fall back on family who doesn't care a single bit about me. Which I think may be the worst part... I called my bother for a hand and he told me he would see what he could do, only to turn around and call my STBXH and tell him what I told him... WTF!!! hes my brother, and yet felt the need to confirm the info with the liar!! 

Sorry everyone reading this... im just overwhelmed today.


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## TooNice

Hun, you need to get control over something in your life. Turnera is right-do some yoga, or meditation, or walk/run-something. Religiously. Every single day. It will be instrumental in keeping your emotional balance. It won't fix everything, but it will help, I promise. You are letting him control you and you need to do whatever it takes to put YOU in control. 

You are worth it, and you need to stop letting him have power over you. Now.


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## mishu143

TooNice said:


> Hun, you need to get control over something in your life. Turnera is right-do some yoga, or meditation, or walk/run-something. Religiously. Every single day. It will be instrumental in keeping your emotional balance. It won't fix everything, but it will help, I promise. You are letting him control you and you need to do whatever it takes to put YOU in control.
> 
> You are worth it, and you need to stop letting him have power over you. Now.


I walk 4 miles daily... And yes I do need to control something in my life. I agree. Its just like a hurricane. Things I cant control... I think once I start working and going to school I will be okay... I wont need anything from him except babysitting, but if he denies me that then I can always pay a friend to help me out...

I will start doing the yoga/meditation, but to be honest, im lethargic...

how are you coping toonice?


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## TooNice

I'm glad you are keeping up the walking! Keep it up, and yes, try to mix it up, too.  

Keep the faith that everything will be ok, and no matter what happens, hold your head high and don't let him get you out of control. It sucks now, but you will get through this.

As for me, I'm maintaining. Good days, bad days. Bouts of uncontrolled emotion, and times of peace and calm. Never really been a fan of roller coasters, though. I'm just trying to get through to when we can tell the kids and we won't have this big secret anymore. I can't even tell most of my friends for fear it will slip out and get back to my son. The big secret and trying to act like everything is normal has become the hardest part. I'm coming more and more to terms with feeling like he is right and we both deserve more, so I guess that's something. 

Thanks for asking.


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## turnera

mishu, find the lawyer section of your yellow pages and just start calling them. Tell each one that he is refusing access to ALL money so you can't get the retainer fee. ONE of them is going to say 'ok, I'll take your case and get paid when he gets delivered.'


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## mishu143

turnera said:


> mishu, find the lawyer section of your yellow pages and just start calling them. Tell each one that he is refusing access to ALL money so you can't get the retainer fee. ONE of them is going to say 'ok, I'll take your case and get paid when he gets delivered.'


Will that really work?? All these lawyers have secretaries that protect them like dogs protect their master.... How would I get past the secretary?? Leave a message for the attorney? <<<<<PLEASE ADVISE!!!!

On another note, my brother called me back today and told me how he spoke to my husband and simply told him "that anything he does to hurt me hurts our kids..."when my husband was about to explain himself, my brother simply told him, "I don't care what goes on between you two...you are adults, but what you do hurts them.. " and he told me one of his pipes broke in the home, so he was asking the bank for a loan to which he will add extra and give me what is left over... I told him that I was so grateful, but even if he gives me the money, I think I am going to look for another attorney to help me. I didn't get a good feeling from the office staff at the original attorney, (made me feel like I was nuts for asking to let me pay the retainer in installments once I start working)... So if I do get a loan from him but I am able to avoid paying upfront I will simply give him his money back with a great big hug and a huge favor in return for his help!

I am so sad though... I really am... I was feeling stronger up until I saw that hotel thing. I got very upset and it still aches like hell. When I confronted him he told me it was for him and his uncle, but I don't buy it at all. IT WAS A BED AND BREAKFAST!! and the pics I saw felt pretty intimate...They even ask not to bring kid or pets for consideration of the other guests private time!! And Im supposed to believe that it was for he and his uncle...I am just so sad even though I shouldn't be.... I know that. I was tempted to call his uncle and slyly bring something up that would make him tell me what he was up to for the weekend, but I didn't. I figured that no matter what, I would look like the pathetic fool... Which honestly I know I am... 

Im am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

SAD!!

BUT PLEASE ADVISE ABOUT THE LAWYER THING!!


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## turnera

What can it hurt to call them, mishu? Come on, be a big girl about this. Be an adult. Just start calling and tell each secretary you get hold of that he is denying you access to the family money, and the ones who WILL help you will get you an appointment. If he has lots of money, tell them that - it will help get them motivated.


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## mishu143

turnera said:


> What can it hurt to call them, mishu? Come on, be a big girl about this. Be an adult. Just start calling and tell each secretary you get hold of that he is denying you access to the family money, and the ones who WILL help you will get you an appointment. If he has lots of money, tell them that - it will help get them motivated.


:iagree: but no need for the big girl comment... Im treading in uncharted territory and Im don't know how to approach the bulldogs... that is why I asked...

I just got two more past due emails... texted him and he said he would fix it Monday because he still didn't have the new debit card...blantant lie being that he paid for his hotel and his yoga classes with the new card... I cant deal with him anymore... im just hurt...Im not even mad anymore... Im hurt that Im on his **** list when he was the reason we are divorcing...


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## TooNice

Start making calls tomorrow. You'll probably get shot down a few times, but stick with it. If they say that they can't help you, ask if they can suggest anyone who takes cases like yours. Lawyers know lots and lots of other lawyers. You will find someone. And it will be so good for you to find one and get a plan laid out!


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## mishu143

TooNice said:


> Start making calls tomorrow. You'll probably get shot down a few times, but stick with it. If they say that they can't help you, ask if they can suggest anyone who takes cases like yours. Lawyers know lots and lots of other lawyers. You will find someone. And it will be so good for you to find one and get a plan laid out!


Yes ma'am will do...

Im still crying, It sucks!! I was okay! I was fine! and he is treating me like dirt!! Seriously like the dirt under the bottom of your shoes!! 

I cant quit crying and thinking about how little he ever loved me. How I wasted my time believeing lies and how worthless I, the mother of his children, am to him. and as stupid as I know I am behaving, I cant help it. Its been a terrible weekend. I just cant stop thinking about him wooing someone else... how our sons first game was today and he missed it because his new piece of a$$ was more interesting... His lies, like if he even needs to anymore, Im just fed up and sick and hurt all at the same time. 

I honestly hate the feelings welling up in my heart. I keep wanting to see him at my door begging me for forgiveness just so I cant turn him down and have the upper hand. So I don't have to feel like I wasn't good enough...Even though I was more than Great!! I was a great freaking wife. I made mistakes, but I was faithful and my family was first! I gave up everything for him and I still wasn't enough... he was always wooing someone else, and I bought his horse manure about how much he loved me. The movies in my head are just that movies, but they play and play and play... last night I had a terrible nightmare and it wasn't even about him. But for the first time in my life I woke up scared, so scared I didn't even want to open my eyes for fear of what I would see in the dark...

Its pestering my very soul... I just keep reminding myself to keep strong and I do, until the kids go to bed and then I break down all over again... 

Two days like this and I hate it... I want my wall again, I don't want to feel anything...


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## turnera

mishu, you can turn him down just by moving on...prove to him that you deserve better by NOT NEEDING HIM any more. You have the power for this, ok?


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## mishu143

turnera said:


> mishu, you can turn him down just by moving on...prove to him that you deserve better by NOT NEEDING HIM any more. You have the power for this, ok?


:iagree:

THANK YOU!!!!! I am writing it down on a post it and keeping it on my mirror so I can remind myself everyday he is not worth another tear....


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## LongWalk

Hang in there Mishu!
Your courage is amazing.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## mishu143

LongWalk said:


> Hang in there Mishu!
> Your courage is amazing.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


Thank you LongWalk. I am trying, but it is so hard to not let it sting... that's all this is, the sting to the wound I already had...I think im just hurt over the fact that I was so easy to hate when I honestly didn't do much to deserve it, he did, and I still don't hate him the way he treats me...Im nice and courteous until I find something else that pisses me off. Like the hotel thing. and yes I flip and confront him, but even then I don't get as nasty as I could. 

I am trying to live by a new motto..."If I were a stranger and could watch myself and see my behavior, what would I say?" Even then it is hard to live by that, the anger and grief is a lot, but I am trying to get there. 

I just want out of my house, and work and go to school... that way I wont have time to think anymore..


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## mishu143

So I started calling divorce attorneys and have gone thru 27 who have all said nope... okay, im not down, just going to keep going on down the list.... 

but my ultimate question which I will post in a new thread for any fresh eyes that wont see the post because of this threads title... 

What am I supposed to look for in a good attorney? besides price? What makes a divorce attorney a good attorney? What qualities am I looking for when I hire one?


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## mishu143

When does the depression go away??


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## turnera

Once you are taking steps to regain control of your life and you start seeing progress, probably. Are you exercising?


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## mishu143

turnera said:


> Once you are taking steps to regain control of your life and you start seeing progress, probably. Are you exercising?


Everyday, twice a day now... 1 hour power walk in the morning with my toddler in the stroller and 30 minutes on the treadmill at night once the kids are asleep. 

Yep trying to keep myself in check with the food part, because although I have been excersing for 2 years, my eating habits were out of control. All I have wanted was to lose weight and be the hot babe I was before I met the douche.... I am thankful I carry my weight well, but I know I am still big and want to lose it all, and since I don't see results the same day I give up (I know very stupid but hey it is what it is). So now I am reminding myself that it is all to be done one day at a time. 

I am drinking TONS of water when I feel the need to eat. I figured out that my anxiety makes me eat even when I am not hungry, and when I am done eating I feel so sick that I want to vomit (I don't!! I cant even vomit when I am sick, I will hold it down until it comes out all on its own). So now Im a relying on the water bottles and the exercise to help me keep in check.


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## turnera

That's the best you can do at this point. Can you look for a mom's group in your area? You need to make some friends or reach out to existing ones.


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## mishu143

turnera said:


> That's the best you can do at this point. Can you look for a mom's group in your area? You need to make some friends or reach out to existing ones.


I don't think a moms group is going to help at this point. Im so depressed right now I don't even want to be around my kids. I feel terrible saying that but I have no patience for anything right now. HE is supposed to come over now to watch them while I go to therapy. 

I asked him since he has a gf, to please take the remainder of his things and ask her to store them for him if he doesn't have space at his grandma's. I don't think I crossed a line. Why should I be holding on to his crap for him when he is screwing some *****? Im so pissed. Im so sad, I want to cry and I cant cuz the kids are here, and im a mess. A mess. A flippin mess. 

I cant take it...I know you all keep telling me to get over it but really how can one expect for it to be okay? For the situation to just make me happy? I am human. I am grieving and I hate this process. I keep wondering, why wasn't I good enough? What could I have done differently? and I know I was good enough and I know I did all I could, but damn he got over me fast.... 

TOO FAST! I wish I had just died on him so that he could really have to care for the kids, I feel like that's all I was ever good for to be a mother for the kids. He kept me home so he would have an excuse to not deal with them when he got home. I want to be honest... because how convenient is it to say I was perfect, but I wasn't and I know that, but who is? HE surely wasn't? He didn't do anything I wanted for me? His excuse was he did everything and I wasn't happy... 

Really? Where is my home? Where is my credit (I had to file for bankruptcy because my credit was so good I had so much credit and he decided to live off of it like if you don't have to pay them back)? Wheres my new clothes? wheres my new shoes? My new purses? My hair appointments? my nail appointments? MY TIME ALONE?? I never got any of those things... and if I did it was once in a blue moon with a kid hanging off my hip! 

Please don't get me wrong!! I love my children to death and would give my life for them, but he never ever thought of giving me time alone. thinking of my feelings. My needs...

Was it much of me to ask we buy a home? Save up for our future? Give our kids stability? I thought that is what mature adults do... I was 18 he was 26 and promised me stability... I never got it... When we lived rent free, we didn't save, he spent, and as much as I fought with him it only drove a wedge between us, so I stopped fighting and it didn't change... 

Why am I not deserving enough to have a good man love me and treasure me? Why did I marry such a loser? 

How is he not even 2 months into this separation and already with a new girl?? how are we not even divorced and he feel okay screwing around? Well duh he didn't care while we were married why would he care now.... I would never ever stray... even now it doesn't feel okay to go flirting around or hooking up or starting another relationship. I am still a married woman. And the last thing on my mind is another man. 

Is there such a thing as a man like the one I want?? Like the one I deserve?? WIth the same morals I have?? I don't think I will ever be able to love again. 

WHY DO I EVEN CARE??? 

Because in the end of it all I made a life with him, I had kids with him, and I loved him, and this is what I get. I big kick in the ass and a new bi*ch to keep him happy all while im crying about my failed marriage!!

Im so sorry, but I am hurting all over again!


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## turnera

mishu, please find someone to help you. Get some support. Ask for help. Do you have family you can call?


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## mishu143

Do I sound that crazy?? LOL...YEs I have a cousin who is helping me out by listening to my moaning, and my poor mother who I don't bother much because she is an anxious mess. 

Im just sad you all. Nothing more... Just dealing best as I can. I went to therapy, and it was better... Im glad Im doing things the way I am but please understand this is hard...

I mean look at everyone else here...Im not the only one suffering. I know this is temporary, but it is still pain...


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## TooNice

I'm glad you went to therapy. It doesn't always feel like it, but it does help. 
No one is telling you not to feel the pain. You need to get through this part to get to the good stuff. Hugs.


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## turnera

We know it's hard. We're not trying to minimize your pain, time is your only friend at this point. You have to go through your grief cycle.


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## mishu143

Thank you girls!! I really really am happy you have been here for me. You have no idea how much being on here has helped me cope with the emotions Im going thru! Thank you!! 

Today I feel 100Xs better than I did yesterday. I know the rules, I get the game, Its just hard to stick to it when I am in pain thinking the worst. 

I am now just waiting for the daycare help to come thru. Once that goes in Im on the hunt for a server position anywhere that will hire me. Yes I am educated, but since I am starting a new program and my school schedule will be nuts, I need the flexibility and the cash.  Once I get my nutballs in daycare and afterschool I will be better able to handle the situation and not have to rely on him EVER AGAIN!!!


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## mishu143

Bad day.... crying and fighting with Douche....He sent me a message about how he missed the kids, and I got so upset...Yes I know really dumb of me to react, but I couldn't help him being so pathetic. I ripped at him and told him all I was feeling. How he was wrong for denying me money when he was out and about getting hotels and yoga classes and who know whatelse. And how he constantly cheated on me yet always treated me like I couldn't be trusted to go to a store and buy my groceries...

Im so glad im done with him. He doesn't take ownership of anything. Blames me for his crap, so I just wen tin and said yeah your right, me nagging you about being a husband gives you the right to treat me like you did. 

I started crying and told him to never text me with his pity party! I don't feel sorry for him. I feel sadness. and that he should take his tribulations to the new skankoid. I am just not strong enough to be where I want to be yet. 

And to ice the cake, the childcare got held up because of one little box the Dr. forgot to fill in!! Hopefully they don't close it out and make me do it all over again!


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## mishu143

Thought people would like this article:

https://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/destroy-marriage-8-easy-steps-192200785.html

Marriage counselors will tell you how to keep your marriage together. If you want to know what destroys a marriage, the experts you want to consult do not necessarily have psychology degrees. Rather, they went to law school. 

Divorce lawyers see relationships at the bitter end. They see couples at their worst. So it makes sense to me that they must have a clear sense of what not to do if you want to keep your relationship happy. I asked family lawyer Lisa Helfend Meyer, who happens to also be a happily married parent of a special needs child, if she'd be willing to share what, in her opinion, are the top eight things that land couples in divorce court. This is what she told me. 

Destroy Your Marriage Tip #1: 
Be secretive. Pretend you're both in the CIA. 

"It's so easy these days to avoid a real conversation with your partner," says Meyer. After all, after a long day of work and diapers and traffic, sometimes the last thing you want is to actually talk with your mouth. Leaving cute emoticons as comments on Facebook or binge-watching Modern Family reruns seems so much more enjoyable, right? 

"The other scenario I've started seeing: Couples who take snipes at each other via text and email rather than face to face. Either way, almost all my clients attribute the failure of their marriage in large part to a failure to communicate," says Meyer. "I had a client whose husband lost his job, and he pretended to my client that he was still working until she got the bill from a local restaurant that showed he spent a majority of his days there. Now they are fighting over who should be responsible for those charges at the restaurant. Just remember this: The energy it takes to have an honest conversation is nominal compared to the energy and expense it takes to get a divorce." 

Destroy Your Marriage Tip #2: 
Continue to debate the toothpaste cap and the toilet seat as if winning the argument means you get to live 10 years longer. 

"This is a sure-fire way to guarantee your partner will tune out when you face real items of concern," says Meyer. "If you recognize yourself criticizing every little thing your partner does, chances are you are harboring deep resentment about larger issues that you may find difficult to confront. Get in touch with your true feelings, start working on the major issues with your spouse, and learn how to let go of the minor irritations." 

Destroy Your Marriage Tip #3: 
Always play the role of the Saint. 

"A pattern I've observed often is one person becoming the responsible party in the marriage - paying the bills and disciplining the kids - and discounting his or her spouse's contributions," Meyer says. "A marriage requires teamwork and for the partners to take on and to value their different roles." 

Related: How to survive the 7 stages of marriage 

Destroy Your Marriage Tip #4: 
Put work before family. 

All work and no play doesn't just make Jack a dull boy: It destroys the family, says Meyer. "I have clients who complain that their spouses refused to put down their phones or iPads - even when putting their children to bed. You wouldn't be on your phone or iPad during an important business meeting with a client or your boss, right? All you need to do is show the same commitment to your family as you do to your job," she says. "Don't have dinner as a family and don't invest any time or effort in family activities, then your only activities will revolve around child custody agreements and division of assets." 

Destroy Your Marriage Tip #5: 
Put kids before marriage. 

"As women, we're programmed to be caregivers and that often translates into putting our kids' needs before our own and those of our spouse," Meyer says. "When your marriage hits a rough patch, you may fall into a cycle of giving your all to your children and deriving all of your emotional sustenance from them. This will drive a wedge between you and your partner." 

Destroy Your Marriage Tip #6: 
Don't let anyone else watch your kids. After all they might screw your precious spawn up for life. 

If you never hire a babysitter, you'll never have the opportunity to date each other. And if you don't hire babysitters, go on vacations together, go to Victoria's Secret, go golfing together or share other interests, you'll grow apart. "You'll lose yourselves and what made you want to marry in the first place," says Meyer. "I really believe that the lack of special, shared time is what starts couples down the slippery slope of taking each other for granted and lapsing into the boredom that ruins so many marriages. Establishing a date night is an excellent start to rediscovering the things about each other that brought you together. But you have to make it a once-a-week, mandatory, non-negotiable evening that revolves around just the two of you. The money you spend for a babysitter or an intimate dinner is one of the best investments you will ever make." 

Destroy Your Marriage Tip #7: 
Reserve your bed for sleeping. After all, that's what the mattress was designed for, right? 

"I think we can all agree that having a fun and satisfying intimate life strengthens a marriage," says Meyer. "But it's easy for intimacy to take a backseat when you're working hard, taking care of the kids, and coping with all the other stresses of modern life. Rather than accept routine and boring bedroom life as inevitable the longer you're married, my advice is to spice things up by introducing toys and games to the bedroom, dressing up and role playing, or coming up with a new location for your romantic rendezvous. Trying new techniques may make you feel a little nervous and self-conscious at first - similar to the way you felt when you first became intimate with your partner. It's exactly that newness and excitement that you're looking to recapture." 

Destroy Your Marriage Tip #8: 
Nurse buyer's remorse for as long as you can. 

Remember, the grass is not always greener, even if you think it is. It's greener where you water it. "Try a little gardening before you leave your spouse," says Meyer. "There are things you can do to work on your marriage and resolve your differences, like seeing a marriage counselor or parenting coach. Maybe even a weekend away can breathe life into your marriage. But, you have to be committed to the process. Anything less than a good faith effort will only reaffirm the decision to get a divorce." 

Photo source: Ksunka-11, via Wikimedia Commons 

-By Alisa Bowman


----------



## mishu143

You find people more agreeable today, so much so that you may wonder if they're just humoring you. They're not! You're making your case better than ever before, and your energy is quite persuasive.

The above is daily horoscope I see when I go into Yahoo. I do not believe in them, I read them to humor myself, but lately the signs have all been pointing to me making the right decision in my life. Life will be hard but better. Today he was bit less bitter and a bit more agreeable... I will continue to stroke that ridiculous ego to get what my kids need until I can pay for the divorce...

I worked out all 7 days last week!! And yesterday my body pulled me to the treadmill. I didn't think I wanted to, but the pull was so strong I did it anyway. I took a break today, but I deserve it. 

I am finally even keeled and get through the roughage with better emotional stability. I am happy. I am content. I am going to survive this and be better from it. 

 

I am content, and I trust in God to pull me through it with grace and dignity for myself and my kids. 

THANK YOU TAM FRIENDS. For your patience and grace. I know there are still BAD times ahead, but I will pull through each time with your advice, grace, and wisdom. 

Thank you!!


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## turnera

mishu143 said:


> I will continue to stroke that ridiculous ego to get what my kids need until I can pay for the divorce...


:rofl:

Love it!

You go, girl!


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## mishu143

turnera said:


> :rofl:
> 
> Love it!
> 
> You go, girl!


Unfortunately, I couldn't keep my cool for too long... lmao... He watched the kids today so I could attend my IC and he found pics my daughter took of her tiny feet, the tv, and me at the computer...Then asked me if I was in front of the computer all day and what do I do all day... I replied "I sit on the couch and pick my boogers, what do you think I do all day? As a matter of fact, don't answer that, I don't care to have to defend myself or answer to your ridiculous questions." Then I realized the camera was in my bedroom and what the hell was he in there for. Just for reference on what I said next, when I go to his grandmas house to wait for my sons Catecism to be done, No one is allowed into his bedroom. It is a rule that she protects like a fierce and loyal dog... so I said "DO NOT GO INTO MY ROOM AGAIN, I DONT GO IN YOURS AND LUCKY FOR YOU, YOU HAVE YOUR BULLDOG GRANDMA GUARDING IT, I EXPECT THE SAME RESPECT FROM YOU!! DO NOT GO THROUGH MY THING OR MY ROOM AGAIN!" Hung up and went into my IC. 

THen when he left he began to ask me how I purchased my books for school, and I made it clear he cannot tangle in my affairs since he decided to cut me out of his. I don't meddle in his money he shouldn't meddle with mine, but that I purchased the books with the help of my schools money!! 

Then he went on to ask me why I was being so mean when he is helping me out with the kids. I simply told him I am not being mean, but that I expect the same courtesy he has wanted for 8 years, to respect my privacy as a STBXW!! HE doesn't want me knowing what he is up to, then I deserve the same respect. And if he wont give it to me then when I get the money I will put a lock into my bedroom door!!

Then he told me okay whatever and hung up... THE DOUBLE STANDARD WILL NEVER END!!!

On a good note, I have an appointment with the daycare help people!! YEY!!! I am nervous and excited all at the same time!!

Lets see where this goes.


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## mishu143

So, I think reality is hitting him because he is finally showing some sort of emotion. HE was angry and telling me I broke our family. I just said okay. 

Today I am feeling full of fear. Full of fear about the future. UUUGGGHHH I went to the daycare to get the applications and to figure out what I need and how much it will cost with help and it is still pretty high but We shall see where it goes. 

Im so nervous, I start school very soon and still don't have a job lined up because I still have the kiddies with me. I think once I get myself settled with a job and know what my schedule will be then I will be calmer. But even though I will be out of the house from pre-dawn morning until late at night.. Depressing to say the least.


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## Catherine602

I've been following your thread M and I can't wait till you are indifferent to your ex. You will not answer any of his questions and tell him "of course you are right", "thanks for the info", "with that thinking you will do very well in your life" and "I am happy for you". All of that with an indifferent smile on your face. That will leave him frustrated as hell.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mishu143

Catherine602 said:


> I've been following your thread M and I can't wait till you are indifferent to your ex. You will not answer any of his questions and tell him "of course you are right", "thanks for the info", "with that thinking you will do very well in your life" and "I am happy for you". All of that with an indifferent smile on your face. That will leave him frustrated as hell.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree: I wanna get there too... Hopefully soon cuz I need big BALLS to do what I am about to do soon, which is finally file... I found out I can do the divorce alone without an attorney, but since I will be doing it without one, I have to keep track of everything I do, so that I will be ready for any of his crazy accusations. I also have to keep track of my activities because I don't want him to say Im am working too much and not seeing my kids enough etc...

That is my biggest fear. That he will eventually try to take them away. These next two years if all goes as planned will be tough on me and my kids, but if I succeed, It will be the best gift I could EVER give them. I wont be making big money, but the potential is there, and the fact that I can choose my schedule because I am choosing such a flexible field is incredibly stimulating for me. I would be able to work while my Kids are in school and still pick them up and be with them, and the best part is I could still be making 50k just working part time. 

I am not a money hungry person, I can live within my means, and I hope to teach my kids that material things are just that. Family and time together is more important, but at least I HAVE THE OPTION TO WORK WHEN I WANT...AND MAKE AS MUCH AS I WANT. 

NOW PRAY AND PRAY AND PRAY I GET INTO THE PROGRAM!! THE FIRST PART IS ONLY 30 SEATS!! IM SO NERVOUS THAT MY FEAR IS DEBILITATING. I WANT TO CRY, BUT I DONT. 

These next two years will be me going to school all day and working all night...."She works hard for the money, so hard for the money"...lol.. it keeps playing in my head as my new anthem. I know it will be tough on all of us, and I shouldn't be thinking or stressing about it until I get my response from school, but I have to think about the future and what I will be able to do for my kids. I don't ant to get stuck making $10 an hour for the next 20 years. And I refuse to work crazy amounts of time making that money just to get a raise of $1 an hour. lol...Welcome to FLORI-DUH! UGGGHHH PLease pray for us. I want nothing more than to get into this program and show my kids that the hard work will pay off sooner than they think.


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## Catherine602

You don't need balls because he doesn't have any. It is always difficult to step out into the unknown. This is not of your choosing but I think in the years to come you will see this as a good fork in the path of your life. Hard to see it now but you will. 

These are early days. There is the stress exerted by your STBX in an attempt to stoke your in fears. That's why I think that you will feel better in time. When he is not a source of fear, you will pity him. From the outside, he is a weak impotent cowardly man. What kind of man would bring needless chaos into the lives of a woman and children because they depend on him? 

He can't stand up to a man so he needs to bully a woman and children. If his behavior were shown on You Tube, people would be despised and ridiculed him. 

You cannot be expected to feel that now. Your are still dealing with him. When you break free. you'll see.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

mishu, don't worry about the kids. Unless you live in a county where he's rich and his family runs the government, it would be almost impossible for you to lose your kids.


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## mishu143

turnera said:


> mishu, don't worry about the kids. Unless you live in a county where he's rich and his family runs the government, it would be almost impossible for you to lose your kids.


Yes he isn't rich, and his family doesn't run the U.S. LOL. But still scary. States are siding more and more with the father for 50/50 custody and from what the attorney told me in that consultation if Im working or in school more than with the kids and he can prove it then I could lose them to him. 

Anyways, Im just trying to wait for the answer from school. 

Watching my favorite movie of all time.... P.S. I love you. 

I love this movie!! Anyone seen it?


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## TooNice

Hun, you are going to be so great. Going back to school as a mom is one of the hardest, most rewarding things you will ever do. Your kids will always remember how hard you worked for them and for yourself. And once you have a job you love as a result of that hard work, there is nothing like it. 

I love that you are getting things to a place where you feel in control of some if what's going on. That's so important in this process. 

And I wouldn't worry about losing your kiddos. You are all going to be just fine. 

Hugs.


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## turnera

mishu143 said:


> Yes he isn't rich, and his family doesn't run the U.S. LOL. But still scary. States are siding more and more with the father for 50/50 custody


Well, they should have as much time with their dad as possible. And while men are starting to get more TIME with their kids, they still rarely get legal custody, where they make the decisions.


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## mishu143

TooNice said:


> Hun, you are going to be so great. Going back to school as a mom is one of the hardest, most rewarding things you will ever do. Your kids will always remember how hard you worked for them and for yourself. And once you have a job you love as a result of that hard work, there is nothing like it.
> 
> I love that you are getting things to a place where you feel in control of some if what's going on. That's so important in this process.
> 
> And I wouldn't worry about losing your kiddos. You are all going to be just fine.
> 
> Hugs.


Thanks for the encouragement... I do feel good that I was able to try to apply, now Im nervous about whether I get in or not... only 30 spots!! 

Blah.... I have to wait until May, and I know it is only two weeks away but it feels so far away.... lol... I have been reading books like crazy to keep my mind busy. I don't want to torture myself for nothing.


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## mishu143

turnera said:


> Well, they should have as much time with their dad as possible. And while men are starting to get more TIME with their kids, they still rarely get legal custody, where they make the decisions.


I totally agree which is why I have no problem sharing them with him so long as he is helpful in doing so. If he can really keep to his end of the bargain then Im all for it. I love him as their father and want them to always have him around. I refuse to be that person that fights over the kids. HE can see them whenever he wants, but when school is running the only thing I want from him is to respect their bedtime and their routine. 

I just went daycare hunting and I finally feel good about one out of the 10 I have checked out. Monday is the big day... Prayers and hope that I will be able to put them in there and still be able to afford it.


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## mishu143

When do I have to talk to the doctor about anxiety meds...? 

I feel like I cant catch my breath a lot lately. I am scared a lot and its just my nerves about the whole situation... Im really nervous. I went to my appt. today and the actual childcare appointment is not until next Monday!! And to top it off, I have to go into their(govt workforce office) for 40 hours a week to do job prepping, how am I supposed to go look for work as a server while doing job prepping in their offices!! Im so irate about it, because I KNOW THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO MOOCH OFF THE SYSTEM and get away with it, and I am honestly trying to GO OUT INTO THE STREET to apply for work, but I cant because they are making me do JOB Prep courses for 40 hours a week just too meet the requirements for the assistance... So ridiculous!! 

My anxiety starts to come on once I start thinking about how I am going to work and go to school, study and care for my kids...If he IS really going to watch them for me or if he will bail out after he see this isn't a one month deal!! 

Im having trouble catching my breath, and my heart is skipping beats... UUUGGGH This totally sucks.


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## mishu143

I am now fully aware of where my anxiety comes from. ANd it is him, and the fear he will do what he just threatened me with. He literally just told me he will take the kids away from me. He made it clear he will take them and uproot them and move them to his area so that his family, that NEVER EVER helped us with the kids due to one issue or another, can help him. And the saddest part is that the attorney told me he may and can do that. 

My desperation is thru the roof. How is it possible that I am trying to get a vocation that will pay me 70k a year in less than two years also punishing me. How am I supposed to make a living to support my bills while in school? I figure serving (waitressing) is the most flexible and highest potential to make a decent living while in school. So what does he do? Use it to try and take his children away from me. I have been home with them for three years and there only caregiver!! I worked and came home for the first four years of our marriage. I came home to clean and train my son and put him to bed and cook and feed him. I did the laundry the cleaning, the bills, and homework. And when he gave me the opportunity to stay hom I did because I trusted he would be a good man a good husband and a better dad. All that did was put me where I am now.


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## TooNice

Take a deep breath, and do what they are asking of you. Yes, people buck the system. But plenty of people do things they way they are supposed to. So focus on what's right, not the deadbeats who will one day get what's coming to them. Put a smile on your face, do what you need to do, and you will get what you've got coming, too! 

So, you have an attorney now? What basis did they give you for him taking the kids? How far away would he be moving them? I don't know much about custody things, but that seems a little suspect to me. Especially when you have a plan laid out to better provide for them.


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## mishu143

TooNice said:


> Take a deep breath, and do what they are asking of you. Yes, people buck the system. But plenty of people do things they way they are supposed to. So focus on what's right, not the deadbeats who will one day get what's coming to them. Put a smile on your face, do what you need to do, and you will get what you've got coming, too!
> 
> So, you have an attorney now? What basis did they give you for him taking the kids? How far away would he be moving them? I don't know much about custody things, but that seems a little suspect to me. Especially when you have a plan laid out to better provide for them.


HEy tooNice, 

No no attorney yet.... That was what the first guy who needed the 2K told me. Now I just need to do what I am told to do by the state...

Im still contemplating doing the divorce alone and forgo the attorney...and see where he takes it. He is being extremely difficult now that he sees the reality. I don't want him or want to need him. And it bothers him so he wants to take my kids away... Im worried that's all. I know what I have to do and the state is making it easy for him to take them away... I'm trying to take it one day at a time. I am. My next appointment is next Thursday which will be about five days post operation. I am having surgery on Wed and hoping to be walking around by Friday... so that I can be healthy enough to go to this appointment I CANNOT MISS!!!! LOL oh life is funny. 

The next chapter to be continued.....


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## turnera

mishu, he owes you money. Period. He knows it. He also knows you're a pushover and all he has to do is act mean and you back down. Stop talking to him. No reason to. Spend all your free time reading everything you can get your hands on about the legal rights you have in your state. Stay in touch with every single agency you could possibly get help with. Start asking friends and family to write out affidavits about your value as a mother and a testament to your character, in case you need them as evidence. Write to his parents, siblings, aunts and uncles and tell them how he is threatening you and ask them for help; you never know if one of them will. Keep calling the lawyers until you find one who will accept payments. Sell everything you own that you can live without and save up the money for the lawyer. Start hitting garage sales every weekend and buy clothes; prepare the clothes and start taking them to resale shops to start getting money. Buy other stuff at garage sales and sell them at bookoo.com or some other local resale site to earn money for the lawyer. Offer to babysit other people's kids at your home with your own. Offer to walk dogs. Look into a woman's shelter and fill out their paperwork in case you have to take the kids and go there to get away from him.

Believe it or not, I've seen women in worse place than you, who have made it through and are now thriving. You just have to stay committed.


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## mishu143

:iagree: yes ma'am... lol... Yes I will be doing those things. I think I will probably do the babysitting. But I have great news.... 

I GOT INTO THE PROGRAM!!!! I AM SO FLIPPIN HAPPY THAT I CAN WIPE MY BUTT WITH EVERY THREAT HE EVER PULLS AT ME!!

I am definantly going to continue calling lawyers. I am even going to start calling the local law schools and see if they can maybe help out. So far though I am averaging 5 a day and no luck. I need a retainer. Guys I am telling you I live in money grubbing capital, USA. 

BUT I START SCHOOL AND I AM ONE STEP AHEAD IN GETTING MY LIFE SECURED!!!! YEYEYEYEYEY. 

Another option I though of is living off my financial aid. I have fairly low expenses and as long I manage my money well I wont be in too much debt. I am weighing my options. Also considered finding a job for every other weekend. I know its sounds crazy but maybe just knowing I will be reliable EVERY OTHER weekend will be enough to get my in the door for now. 

Eventually the state will make him pay child support, so I will have that income too. 

I dunno. TOday I am flying. I am happy! I got into my program and nothing will pull the rug out from under me!


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## TooNice

That is wonderful news-congratulations!!

I'm so happy that you have this first step. Everything else will follow!


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## mishu143

TooNice said:


> That is wonderful news-congratulations!!
> 
> I'm so happy that you have this first step. Everything else will follow!


yep, now I just need to figure out the rest.... we shall see.


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## mishu143

On another note, surgery went well. I feel okay except for a bit of pain on the site... But I am okay!! My kiddies are happy. I am happy. 

Taking it one day at a time. 

I am on a cloud. I cant wait to start school....I feel like a little kid all over again.


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## mishu143

Is it normal to miss the intimacy? I miss the touch of a partner, The love, the kisses, and only in the intimate way of a real relationship. 

I am not into hook-ups, and friends with benefits... I miss intimacy... hmmm

just groaning.. sorry.


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## turnera

Yes, it's normal.

But it's even more important to grow, to learn, that you need to be ok with yourself, BY yourself. Learning to be ok by yourself is so crucial for not making decisions moving forward that you make just to avoid the loneliness.


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## TooNice

Totally normal. Get yourself on the road to where you want to be first. All that other stuff will be so much better later when you love yourself for the things you have accomplished.


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## mishu143

turnera said:


> Yes, it's normal.
> 
> But it's even more important to grow, to learn, that you need to be ok with yourself, BY yourself. Learning to be ok by yourself is so crucial for not making decisions moving forward that you make just to avoid the loneliness.


:iagree:

I'm so with you... I okay being alone. I think I just miss having another person at home with me. He just came here to pick up the kids today. And told me he couldn't give me any money!! Of course he can't because he is spending it all on himself. He is dressed to impress. I feel like crying right now. 

I look like Frankenstein, literally, my surgery site looks awful, and it was done by a plastic surgeon!! Now guys this wasn't a cosmetic procedure... I have a medical condition that requires surgery, and was very lucky to have it covered by my insurance, to have it done by the plastic surgeon. But it looks like a damn chop job.... Im so upset. 

And now he is calling me back to back to back about how things are up in the air and how he is going to get the ball rolling on the divorce. I told him that was fine, but until I find an attorney I am not signing anything. And I am not giving up my kids. I am tired and frustrated by his threats. FOR GOD SAKES I JUST HAD SURGERY TWO FLIPPIN DAYS AGO. You would think he would have an ounce of compassion in him. 

Im sick to my stomach. HE brings up the fact I kicked him out as an excuse that he shouldn't have to give me money. I just say fine. Good for you. But im boiling over inside. I don't come from money. My family is middle class and my mother works like a dog, She shouldn't have to help me like she is but I am so thankful to her. I love her And I am glad she is my mother. 

Im so tired, I feel stronger than I have in a loooooong time, but all the same I feel tired and lost. 

HIs grandmother called me today, *****ing about the toys he took over to her house today, and she had the gall to tell me that since he was still paying the bills the least I could do is make space for him to keep his things here. I told her very clearly that those toys were going to be donated and he insisted I keep them for him to sort and keep for the kids and or sell on ebay. I made it crystal clear to her to never bring up the fact he paying my bills because what he is doing is maintaining his children, not me. I am doing all I can to not have to ask him for a penny. And after today I wont ask him for a single dime. I hate his family. I hate him. They are all inbred hippocrites. I wish I could just make them all disappear. 

I cant wait for the day I am on my feet and I smile and say, Im okay, I don't need him. And I don't. I wont. I refuse!!

I will be fine. I will be okay, but today is a sad day. TOday is a bad day.


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## TooNice

Can you find a way to just not engage in these conversations? Tell him and his grandmother that when they want to have a productive and non judgmental conversation, you'll be happy to talk? 

You don't need to feel bad about getting his stuff out. His grandmother is unreasonable there. 

Don't tell him you don't want his money. You have a right to have him help financially with the kids. I know you are working to not need that one day, but you need it now. You don't need to take him over the coals, but tell him that you just want what's fair for the kids. 

Stop letting him have power over you. You can't control everything, but you can control how you respond to him. You are strong. Be strong!


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## mishu143

yes I see that I am letting my emotions get to me again. I need to breath, and yep I need to disengage. 

It's just hard. I need to pray and really get back to me. I am glad I cant vent here. 

I am seeing everyday, more and more, how I have lost control of myself and control of my emotions. I am reigning it back in. Not calling anyone (my family) to cry. I feel stupid for even calling them. I feel stupid every time I hang up with one of them because I am right back to what I was feeling before. Its like I am airing out my dirty laundry for all to see without meaning to. 
I am regretting a lot lately. Especially the venting part. I am sticking to just venting here. Where no one knows who I am...lol... 

Thanks TAM friends for being here.


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## TooNice

Vent away, girl. It's why we are all here. 

You just need to remember that every time you get emotional in front of him, whether you cry, get angry, whatever... He wins. Every. Single. Time. And he knows it, and he's using it. 

You are clearly a smart, strong and brave woman. Use that to be bigger than he is. He won't know what hit him.


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## mishu143

TooNice said:


> Vent away, girl. It's why we are all here.
> 
> You just need to remember that every time you get emotional in front of him, whether you cry, get angry, whatever... He wins. Every. Single. Time. And he knows it, and he's using it.
> 
> You are clearly a smart, strong and brave woman. Use that to be bigger than he is. He won't know what hit him.


:iagree: Will do.


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## turnera

Can you go to your GP and ask him/her if the surgery looks like it's supposed to? Get a second opinion, just in case?


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## mishu143

turnera said:


> Can you go to your GP and ask him/her if the surgery looks like it's supposed to? Get a second opinion, just in case?


Yes I have a follow up appointment on Monday, so I will be asking him if that's what I will forever look like. I just got upset that I'm here recovering after I had a surgery that I needed and he treats me like I did it out of just wanting it. Please, uggghhh I can't stand him at all. I seriously can say, I love him as the father of my children and that is it. 

AS far as a second opinion, I think I would have to wait for it to heal before I see someone else. I am going to address my concerns on Monday with the doctor and explain I know it is fresh but I look like Frankenstein and if it will all go back to normal, just with the scar. The scar


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## turnera

Make sure you get some medicine to put on the scar. They make stuff to put on it that helps heal the skin. My H got some for his. Can't even see it any more.


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## mishu143

will do. Do you remember if it was prescription or over the counter and maybe the name and strength??

On another note, 

I find this man distressing already. Now he calls me about some earrings my MIL let me have a few years ago for my daughter and she lost one of them the same day. I told him I don't know where they are. And I also told him he needs to purchase her new earrings because she doesn't have any that are real. I have to put them off and take them off daily so she doesn't get an infection. She seems to be allergic. Anyways, Stupid things like this!! Jeeeez this man is just trying to find reasons to call me for no reason. Its clearing up for me. He has no other recourse lol... so he calls me 20 x's a day when he has the kids. Uggggh . 

Whatever, 

Yes name of medicine he used would be great!


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## mishu143

OMG!!!! HAVE I SAID THIS.... I HATE HIM! WHAT A POS. Now he calls me to tell me that he isn't accussing me of anything, but that if I am spanking our daughter than I need to stop because she flinches every time she gets in trouble!! AHHHH What the hell??

My daughter is the most beautiful, intelligent, little girl I have ever met, And I have met MANY!! She is also, stubborn, and independent. To things that when mixed together can combine into a deadly effect. 

She does get disciplined because she needs it, not because I am abusing her, and she is an actress!! She honestly is. IT is the funniest thing, she sings and acts, and she is dramatic. It is her personality. And ofcourse he wouldn't know that, because although he lived with us up until now, he didn't do sh*t about helping out when they frustrated me up and down our home. 

So now I have to deal with the new "IM NOT ACCUSSING YOU BUT..." WHAT THE HELL??? 

I called my mother to tell her what was up and she told me to not even pick up his calls. I didn't think it was an option because he has the kids and then he says that I don't want to talk to them or be responsible for them...Even though he is the one with them. 

Im so anxious now. I know I don't hit my kids all the time, and when I do, it is a simple pat on the bottom. 

I grew up getting spanked all the time and I am perfectly fine with it. I wasn't a child of abuse. I was a child who was disciplined, and ofcourse I didn't get it until I was a mother myself, but I appreciate that my mother did her job! But if I compare my disciplining to the one both my husband and I got. My kids don't get 1/16th of what we got. my kids don't get 1/32 of what I got alone.

And now I have to worry about this stupid man trying to use this against me too. WTF??? 

Now I have to raise brats because he will say I am abusing them?? Doe he not get it isn't my job to be their friend. It is my job to be her mother!! TO teach her right from wrong. To put her in time out. And to try every thing in my arsenal to teach her what she can and cant do. And now this!! Spanking is the last step!!! In my house it is the last resort! and one that is used for EXTREME purposes. 

OMG I am so damn sad, exhausted, and tired. I want to go to the hospital just so I cant rest. ISnt that something??

I am down in the dumps again. I cant live my life!! I cant raise my kids!! I cant do sh*t!


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## mishu143

Now he asked me to split the car insurance payments. He wants each of us to have our own policies. sO I called as he requested for split the policies and It will come out way more expensive because we have a multi car discount. I explained it all to him exactly as it was explained to me. And of course he bashes me and says the higher premium is because I am a bad driver!! 

**** him! **** him! **** him! 

I was in a terrible accident that wasn't my fault at all and because florida is trying to crack down on fraud, they are penalizing people who actually use their PIP benefits for medical care. So yes I was a victim of this new ploy the insurance companies are pulling. But again, since I understand it is to prevent fraud, I swallowed it like a big girl. I was in a major car accident that didn't kill me because GOD was there holding me in place while it all happened. 

Man the more I think about it the more I realize he never loved me, or cared about me. ALl the times I was on the brink of death and he blames me like If I had anything to do with it. 

I am crying, wailing, as I type remembering all the times he hurt me by blaming me for things I couldn't control. 

I am going to bed.


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## turnera

mishu, are you in therapy every week? Every single week? You need to be, to understand that what he's doing is ON HIM, not you. Not one thing he has said or done has anything to do with you.

Stop taking his calls. Forward your number to your mother for the rest of the weekend. If there's an emergency, she can let you know.


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## mishu143

turnera said:


> mishu, are you in therapy every week? Every single week? You need to be, to understand that what he's doing is ON HIM, not you. Not one thing he has said or done has anything to do with you.
> 
> Stop taking his calls. Forward your number to your mother for the rest of the weekend. If there's an emergency, she can let you know.


Yes I am in therapy EVERY WEEK!! And that is exactly what she told me when I told her about how he guilts me about not answering his calls when he has the kids. She told me not to answer and that he would call her looking for me, so to let him do that. My son called me earlier which was so nice.... and he sent me the sweetest text from his dads phone. Made me smile, he really loves me. My babies love me, and I am so happy because there are times I doubt myself (Im sure many of us do that) but more now that I am in limbo and not sure what to do or how to do it. 

I went to my brothers for the first time EVER for dinner. It was so sweet. We had soup and watched a movie together. It made me feel loved again. My baby brother reached out and it was a nice a loving surprise. 

I feel better. 

Thank you Turnera. TooNice and you have been such good friends. And I truly do appreciate it!!

AND also anyone else here with great advice!!


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## mishu143

turnera said:


> Make sure you get some medicine to put on the scar. They make stuff to put on it that helps heal the skin. My H got some for his. Can't even see it any more.


do you remember the medication he was given for the scar? The strength? overt the counter or RX?


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## turnera

Sorry, I haven't had the time. We got a truckload of dirt for our yard Saturday morning and we've been shoveling all weekend, except for walking in the March of Dimes this morning, so I'm just now sitting down. Will try to find out.


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## mishu143

Thanks turnera. 

I was in the hospital today for a freaking anxiety attack. My hand got clamy and numb, I couldn't breath. UUUUGGGH he gets me wound up. Today was the last time I attempt to reason with an insane person. He only wants to push my buttons. 

Didn't tell him about it. Just said dr found a heart issue and I have to follow up with cardiologist. I wont give him the satisfaction of knowing he got to me that way.


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## mishu143

I am doing so much better mentally. I wont lie, Anti-Anxiety medication has a lot to do with the not breaking down part. The hospital was a wake up call that I cant let him get to me. He is hurting me because he is hurting. Just another piece of the puzzle that ends up being his selfishness. 

On the other hand, I felt validated as a woman, by a handsome man with a great profession. LMAO, no I have not acted on it and I do not intend to do to the nature of the interaction, I would never be able to trust this person. But it was nice to know I am still a HOT MAMA and not just losers see it or want it.... HEHE

I Have been going to the job thing and its been a great resource, but I wont be using it do to school. I am so blessed that they do cover my program and I will be able to go to school. My caseworker was sweet and told me to take it one year at a time, so I am. For now I just have to go to school and get good grades!! 

I wont lie. I do feel lonely. I wish I had a man to hang out with me on those weekends Im alone. lol, I literally mean just to hang out and have a fling. Nothing serious. I am wrapped up in me right now! My kiddies and I!! My kids love there pre-school/afterschool!! So that is also a blessing. 

Right now I am happy. And as soon as I get back on normal ground I will be hitting the law schools for leads on pro-bono graduates willing to help me get this guy out of my life for good!!

I hope you all are well. Please write back. You are my source to the outside world. My friends! Thanks!!


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## TooNice

Your caseworker gave you good advice-one year at a time. Once school starts you will have plenty to focus on! 

You have lots of good things headed in the right direction-it's so nice to hear so many positive things are happening for you. You will likely still have some bumps in the road, but you are definitely on the right track!

:smthumbup:


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## turnera

That's perfect. Go to school so you have long-range security and never have to depend on a man again.


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## mishu143

HECK TO THE YEA!!!! I will never ever depend on a man!!! EVER!!!

I WANT TO BE ABLE TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF AND MY KIDS ALL ALONE SO THE NEXT TIME AROUND I CAN KICK HIS ASS TO THE CURB WITHOUT A THOUGHT!!

hehehe. Hopefully that wont happen, but just so I can always keep my options open!!


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## mishu143

I GOT SERVED WITH DIVORCE PAPERS TONIGHT!!! Happy and upset all at the same time!! No lawyer to help me out but I am going to the court tomorrow and calling a new attorney so that I can respond in time. 

I'm upset though because he knew I had no flippin money to pay for an attorney!! Ugggh what a jerk!! You wanna know the kicker??

He signed for these papers on 4/29/2014, and his been trying to kiss me and beg me this last week. I can proudly say I told him straight out that he lost those privelages when he screwed around on me. To which he still denied he ever did. I don't care. I live in a no-fault state but what a POS huh!?!?! 

Whatever. Im so done with him, now just to g et through this stupid divorce!!


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## turnera

Yay.


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## mishu143

Im so exhausted I want to cry. I am so behind on reading my textbooks and he has been trying so hard to get laid (by me) that when he sees it isn't working he has a sh*t fit and I then ask him to leave. Im emotionally and mentally exhausted. This week has been hell. I finally coughed up the 2k to the attorney I was referred to and he will counter my husbands petition this week. I have to go down and see the attorney on Friday so we can discuss all the stuff we have to talk about. 

Anyone have anything in particular I should mention?


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## turnera

Just tell him what you want to walk away with.


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## mishu143

SO he has been trying to woo me ever since mothers day without success. Last night we had a few beers and he stayed over because I didn't want him to drive home after drinking. It was innocent, nothing happened and he knew it wouldn't. 

This morning I went to the attorney and I fell okay but when he asked me about it he was all pissy that I went to my own attorney instead of going to his and using his attorney as a mediator. I told him I wouldn't do that because it was HIS lawyer. 

On a side note, I have so much to study. I am so nervous. I am tired. I am work out and it has only been the first week. I have 5 more of this and then on to the next term. But just so you guys understand what is going on. I am taking 2 science courses and their respective labs in 6 weeks time. Something that people normally do in 16 weeks we have to do in 6! I am so damn tired, my eyes are burning. Im so mentally drained I want to cry. I haven't felt like this since D-day. Anyone have any tips on how to get through this without frying myself out? study tactics, memorizing skills, time skills?


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## turnera

Yeah, drop one of the courses. mishu, that is just plain dumb to try to take two science classes in summer school. I don't know a single person, in 55 years, who has tried to do that. Put it together with what you're going through...you're not gonna make it. You're going to end up in the hospital.


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## mishu143

turnera said:


> Yeah, drop one of the courses. mishu, that is just plain dumb to try to take two science classes in summer school. I don't know a single person, in 55 years, who has tried to do that. Put it together with what you're going through...you're not gonna make it. You're going to end up in the hospital.


Even if I wanted to I can't. Im past the drop period. And I need theses classes. I start my program in June 26, and I have to have these under my belt to not lose my seat. No choice. I have to get it done.


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## turnera

mishu143 said:


> Even if I wanted to I can't. Im past the drop period. And I need theses classes. I start my program in June 26, and I have to have these under my belt to not lose my seat. No choice. I have to get it done.


Then go to your school counselor and tell her what you're going through and ask her to help you find a support system of SOME sort.


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## mishu143

OMG!!!! Guess what ya'll. I'M DONE... DONE!!. His words... lol... omg all I can do is laugh at this point... wasn't I done when he served me with divorce papers last week????

This is nuts... He is mad at me because I won't give in to his needs, his wants, his "I Miss you". Why doesn't he get he shot himself in the foot. This whole marriage was all about him. I gave and gave, and gave up some more to not add more strain to our already strained relationship. 

I think now that I am "DONE" that I do have some guilt creeping up. Is that normal? 

I know I wasn't perfect, I was moody, I was mean, I was honest(brutaly, which he couldn't stand), and I fought for what I wanted for my family. I realize I wasn't a bad wife, I realize I wasn't perfect. But I do realize my priorities were in the right place and his weren't. That is where the mismatch is. 

Do I sound like I am rationalizing this divorce?? Maybe I am? I don't know, I do feel horrible, I never wanted this. Even though he thinks this was my master plan. I feel bad for him. sometimes I even get scared he would hurt himself because he really does have a huge lack of self appreciation, of believeing that people could love him. I think he is also a narcissist, and that he loves the chase, the thrill of something new. He swears up and down he never slept around, And I believe him to a point. but the fact that he doesn't admit that his "texts" were in appropriate is enough for me to realize he will never quit chasing new tail the minute he feels down about our marriage. 

Are there men out there that get that marriages aren't perfect all the time? Are there men out there that will really appreciate me for my values, my priorities, my morals... without cheating on me or making me feel they will one day.

I just had to shut off my phone because he wont stop calling me to offend me about how I like black men...!!!!????? I don't know where the hell that came from. Totally left field. but this is what he did during our marriage, why would I not expect it after?? 

He has also made my future clear to me..."you will never find a man like me, I loved you, I did everything for you, all those men your going to date in your future only want one thing...*****, and you will give it up like a ***** to spite me, and when you finally do find someone to be in love with, he will treat you like the biggest piece of **** and you will love him more than you ever loved me, I was good to you." All his words for me denying him a night of sleeping at my house. A night of hanging out. I haven't slept with him since that last trip he took. IT has been two months, and he served me with papers. He wanted me to miss him and cry and beat myself up, and since I didn't he is mad at me. 

WTF!!!>>????


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## turnera

About damn time.


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## mishu143

omg now he is threatning me with the kids. Just turned my phone back on. 

brief history, my son has two little boys who come see their grandma every Friday. We have become friends and he goes over on Fridays to play with the boys. I don't bring them here because my daughter really is a pain with them and she is 3! so I get it. Now he is saying im a horrible mother for letting him go play over there. That if I don't want them he will take them. That I better have them with me when I am not at school or working!! Who the hell does he think he is, and better ? does he have any legal ground? 

You better believe I am going to be extra careful now that I know he is allowing the devil to rile him up outta sheer hate for me not having sex with him and taking him back. 

But how do I explain to my poor son that I can't let him play with his friends because his daddy is threatning to take him away from me!! WTF?!?!?! I hate him.


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## turnera

Just ignore him.

It's a power play, nothing more.

Has nothing to do with your kids. All about crushing you. Ignore it.

Tell your son he can't see them for right now but he'll see them soon. Kids take your lead.

And make SURE you have told the parents of these other kids what's going on.


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## mishu143

So now he is back to being nice, then back to being a douche. He didn't get the answer he wanted out of me so he got mad, to which I hung up and ignored his repeated calls. 

Long story short..."Why couldn't I come over last night?" I said "because we are blurring the lines and it is causing great pain to think that I would even consider taking you back." He said, "wtf! why are you doing this blah blah, I am tired of this crap," I told him "too bad, you did this and Im tired of having to pretend like I am the bad guy. Blame me all you want, say I broke up our family, but in the end I don't care, because I know the truth and I don't have to defend myself to anyone."

He got mad again and tried justify his "black guy" remarks by saying I was rude and he was mad. To which I replied, "don't you recall that you said I was a bad mother who never wanted her kids around for allowing our son to play with his friends ONE day a week!!" But I am the bad guy!!??!! Whatever


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## mishu143

Another question? Making money. I was thinking about posting an ad on craigslist, but I am afraid of crazy people bringing their crazy kids for me to babysit. I hear horrible stories of children hurting other children etc...I know it wouldn't happen here because the kids would be under my watch the ENTIRE time they are here, but who the hell picks a sitter off of craigslist??

Any other tips/advice?? I am going to start applying at restaurants for those weekends the kids are with their dad, but I need to get myself caught up and in tune with this new life. I am stressed to the point that I Want to cry over nothing. My eyes sting all the time. 

I know you mentioned before, dog walking, house sitting, etc, but how would I even go about that?? I knew a few elderly people I may be able to ask for refrences from and potential clients, but that's about as far as I have planned. Any Ideas to help this broke mama earn some cash?? 

KEEP IN MIND I AM IN SCHOOL FULL TIME (9-5) and then have my kids with me all night, so any ideas have to involve my kids and it would have to be at night or weekends...


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## turnera

Find all the websites for your region. Find ones that have ads you can place and do that. See if there's a bookoo.com in your area. Read other ads for people looking for dogwalkers, etc. My petsitter has a full time job but she comes by my house in the morning and on the way home from work. You can go to garage sales and find the ones that sell stuff cheap, and then buy stuff and sell it on a local bookoo site or even on eBay.


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## mishu143

turnera said:


> Find all the websites for your region. Find ones that have ads you can place and do that. See if there's a bookoo.com in your area. Read other ads for people looking for dogwalkers, etc. My petsitter has a full time job but she comes by my house in the morning and on the way home from work. You can go to garage sales and find the ones that sell stuff cheap, and then buy stuff and sell it on a local bookoo site or even on eBay.


Checked out the bookoo thing. No go in my area. First available is like 200 miles away. I will try your other suggestion. What is a reasonable price to charge for pet sitting?


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## turnera

Mine charges $12-$13 per visit, so if she comes twice a day, it's $26 a day.


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## mishu143

turnera said:


> Mine charges $12-$13 per visit, so if she comes twice a day, it's $26 a day.


Okay I have been posting ADS like crazy for small gigs, like dog walking, plant watering, house sitting, etc., Hopefully I get replies wit legitimate work.


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## turnera

If you get a bite on the pet sitting, tell them that you'll also pick up their mail and clean their cat box if they have one.


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## mishu143

turnera said:


> If you get a bite on the pet sitting, tell them that you'll also pick up their mail and clean their cat box if they have one.


im just worried about the coo-coos


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## turnera

the what?


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## mishu143

turnera said:


> the what?


The nutballs over here... Hehe I need to screen carefully.


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## mishu143

My god, I am livid, it turns out he could have made this divorce cheaper by puttin in an actual request of what he wanted and not what his attorney wanted! He tells me one thing he is doing, but his attorney is doing a whole other thing. Right now they are asking for financial info like if I have had any in the last four years! Wtf! Not just that, but that fact that my attorney has to prep the response, they say it will take 3-4 hours of my damn retainer time... All because he is an idiot and doesn't read things before he signs them! I'm tired of him. I don't have money to be paying a ****ing attorney. I swear to god I will never get married again. Pluck this bull****!


SORRY HAD TO VENT


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## mishu143

one of my accounts is 31 days past due!! OMG I hate him.


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## turnera

Document it in your spiral notebook along with everything else he has done to harm you.


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## mishu143

I wish I could explain the horrible feelings I have right now. That anger that I haven't felt in so long is back. He got to me again. And I am so stressed out that I can't deal. I want to roll into a ball and cry in a cave. I swear I want to just run away. HE is a manipulating pos. I don't know how else to deal right now.


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## turnera

You call someone. You go do something. You get up off the couch and go accomplish something. You take a nap. Basically, you MOVE forward. Ok?


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## mishu143

turnera said:


> You call someone. You go do something. You get up off the couch and go accomplish something. You take a nap. Basically, you MOVE forward. Ok?


ok... but im still hurting again. I was fine. I was okay. I think I have just been so damn busy that I am stressed out. Its like one thing after the other. School, Doctors, him, kids, the house. 

Yea I know it is life, but for whatever reason this last week has been so much harder (obviously it must be school that Is tripping me up) but I have to get back to a healthy equilibrium. I normal point again. I think I need a good cry. Maybe just get It all out. 

Lately I have been fantasizing about the perfect husband, and I am sad because I know I shouldn't, but dammit I am a good person. Why couldn't I have it...I know... because my picker was broken and I picked the wrong person. My mom was right, I picked him to get out of her house, without realizing the consequences because I was in a fog. I don't regret it. I learned so much about myself from it. But this rollercoaster has me so far gone right now. I was okay, where did I fall down again... 

I feel sick and in despair. My life is a mess. Literally..lol. Im up until 1am and up at 6 am, just cleaning up, studying, and getting the kids ready for bed or school... Im am so tired!! maybe that's all this is. I am tired... I don't know.


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## turnera

Are you on antidepressants?


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## mishu143

Yes but not for depression, they r prescribed for bodily pain, I'm not depressed. Surprisingly, my marriage was what had me depressed. I was just feeling overwhelmed. I made a list yesterday of all I have to get done, I cried, let it out, and now have been checking off my tasks. I just needed to get all my tasks on paper because my head was spinning


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## mishu143

woooosh I am so glad I did not fall into his wooing. I just went through his credit card statement and he has spent over1K on bar hopping around his new neighborhood. I see him getting a DUI very soon. Hopefully an STD along with it. He is the definition of selfish POS. 

And the whole time he was here crying over our situation and begging me to take him back. He is a sorry loser, and I am glad I let him go.


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## turnera

Some people are amazing liars.


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## mishu143

turnera said:


> Some people are amazing liars.


Tell me about it. I fibbed and told him my friend saw him there and he is denying it up and down...lmao... I just chose to ignore it and move on.


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## mishu143

these past couple of days have been rough. I regret ever saying I wanted him to come begging for me. IT only made him worse since I keep rejecting him. All he does is try to manipulate me and threatens me with the kids. Calls me an abuser for taking them to daycare. etc. Im so pooped. Im so done.


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## turnera

You'll get there. Hang in there.


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## mishu143

turnera thank you so much. you have been there for me since the beginning. I really am so grateful to you. I have been so sad, lonely, depressed, and yearning for love. I feel terrible. I want to cry all the time. I am overwhelmed with school and ontop of this trying to run my home and my kids. 

I am so hopeful and cared at the same time.


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## turnera

It's time to go to your doctor and get your antidepressants reevaluated. This is not normal. Get it fixed.


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## TooNice

See if you can adjust your meds. And no matter what, take time for you. Even if it's a walk around the block. 

Remember that this is not long term. We are strong creatures-we can do anything for a period of time. YOU can do this. It's hard as heck to go to school and manage a family. But when you are done, you are going to feel like a freaking rock star. Because you ARE a freaking rock star for doing it. 

I've said it before-you've got this.


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## mishu143

TooNice said:


> See if you can adjust your meds. And no matter what, take time for you. Even if it's a walk around the block.
> 
> Remember that this is not long term. We are strong creatures-we can do anything for a period of time. YOU can do this. It's hard as heck to go to school and manage a family. But when you are done, you are going to feel like a freaking rock star. Because you ARE a freaking rock star for doing it.
> 
> I've said it before-you've got this.


You are a freaking ROCK STAR!!!! LOL. Thank you!! I know its temporary. I have been okay for a very long time, but lately I am feeling so lonely. And the worst part is that I keep getting all this male attention and I don't do anything with it because I am still very much married. So it is a constant reminder that no matter what, I do want that happy ending, and it sucks I haven't gotten it, and that I am too afraid to even think about it. 

Turnera, this isn't an issue with meds, Im not a medaholic to begin with and I do believe anti depressants are to be used in conjunction with other life tools. I have a grip on the "depression" but like I told you before im not on anti depressants for depression, it is for pain management. I have just been extra sad because of what I stated above. 

I want true love, silly, kiddy, fairy tale love, someone who will support me like I support them. Someone who loves my kids more than they love themselves, but reality is tough and it sucks. Its just hitting me. That's all. Im no suicidal or anything. Just sad. It part of the process. I have been good for a VERY long time. weeks, but this past week or two has been a wake up call to how much I miss having love from a man. 

And the fact that he keeps trying to make me feel guilty about the break up doesn't help. He doesn't get to me anymore. I just feel sad for him. He doesn't get it. and it doesn't matter. lol but it sucks the life outta me.


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## TooNice

mishu143 said:


> I want true love, silly, kiddy, fairy tale love, someone who will support me like I support them. Someone who loves my kids more than they love themselves


Love yourself like this first.

You deserve it, and when you master it, THAT is what the man you want will be attracted to and fall in love with.


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## turnera

If you say so. You're saying the exact same things you were saying a month ago. Something you're doing isn't working.


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## mishu143

i figured it out, Took a couple of days, but it isn't something I am doing wrong.... IT something I am feeling that is wrong. 

I feel lonely, and before you pound me for feeling what I feel, I am completely within my right to feel the way I do. I broke up an 8 year marriage to a selfish person who I depended on. 

He still tries to manipulate me, and I have so much power over the situation that I no longer feel threatened by his threats. But it has only been three months and I am feeling lonely. 

I I have gone to online chats to avoid trouble and all I find are perverts and fakes, so im outta that completely. But the loneliness creeps up again, and I want to talk to another human being, and I can't. Outta sheer respect for the situation I am in. Divorce doesn't happen in a day. But he has moved on and threatens me every time I don't give in to his whim. 

I over him and the relationship. I grieved for along time before we actually broke up and he finds it hard to accept im done and ready to move on. 

I feel like an idiot, because I said the last thing I want is another man, but lately that is all I want. I keep dreaming and wondering when it will happen the right way for me, and I know only time can tell, but a girl can dream can't she?

Well that's all.


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## turnera

Sounds like progress to me. 

Can you spare some time for volunteering? It will help you feel better and you just may meet someone worth getting to know.


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## mishu143

that's not a bad idea, honestly I have the weekends when the kids are away to work or volunteer and since I cant commit to a job maybe I can do the volunteer work in the mean time. He hasn't been very reliable with his time for the kids. So I am afraid to get a job every other weekend and then him bail...
But I guess volunteering would be better because if I have to bail because he didn't pick them up then its less hassle than if it was a job.

Just reality for now.


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## turnera

We have lots of people here who volunteer at the pet stores on weekends to help adopt out stray dogs and cats; you just show up and help monitor the animals and love on them and help people get attached to them.


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## mishu143

im going to check it out in my area. not the animals because my kids are allergic so I cant bring home the hair, but maybe a soup kitchen or something else.


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## TooNice

I'm sure you'll be able to find something. What a great idea.


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## turnera

I'm excited for you!


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## mishu143

Thanks ladies, 

I started looking at some sites that connect volunteers to organizations, going to start applying.... Let's see... I just need my mind to drift away to better things, see that there is more to this earth than my self pity of no love... Lol...


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## turnera

Exactly.


----------



## mishu143

Ontop of everything else going on in my life, I get another kick to the groin today from my doctor. I had applied for financial help from the state for rehab services to pay for my schooling, I went in for anxiety initially, but they are requesting all my doctors fill out all the paperwork about my injuries even though I qualify for the anxiety alone. 

I am suffering from Chronic pain due to an accident 2 years ago. It hasn't dulled or gotten better, I have just learned to manage it mentally and keep on moving forward with my life. 

But I do have concerns that my doctor brought up. I am in a point in my life where I have to go back to school. I chose to change my major from social work to Dental Hygiene, quite honestly because to earn the income I would as a hygienist with a social work degree, I would have to get my Masters in Social Work and would require me to be in school and additional 4-5 years. I like working with people period, And I thought hygiene would be good because its flexibility and great pay. I know I will have to sit bent over a patient for a certain amount of time each day and I understand the hurdles I will be going through everyday. I go thru them already as a mother of 2 young children. I wake up stiff, do my daily activities as normal, but by night what is normal to most people rips me apart. I am in agony and pain, using heating pads and pain medication to dull something that will never truly go away. I exercise daily and that has helped with the joint pain elsewhere on my body, but the back pain is a daily issue due to the fact that we use our backs for EVERYTHING. 

My question to you is, How can I ever alter my plans again. IS it really that bad of a job for a person with chronic back issues. I figured I would be walking around, charting patient information and yes cleaning teeth all day but with occasional breaks. My doctors wife is a dentist so he says it may really cause issues for me in the future. Im stuck between a rock and hard place. I don't want to allow this injury to run my life. I am extremely young and I have kids that need me to support them. I refuse to be on welfare because of this injury and making a better life for myself seems impossible. 

I am frustrated and don't know what to do. Any advice?


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## turnera

The hygenists at my dentist sit on stools to do their work.


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## mishu143

turnera said:


> The hygenists at my dentist sit on stools to do their work.


That's what I said but he insists the stooping over to clean the mouth will still cause strain which duh I understand!! lol, but ayyy its was just venting my frustrations.


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## mishu143

Unfortunately that dream has been cut. My doctor refuses to let me do so. He really believes its a no-go. I went to my classes anyway (the first one for the hygiene part of it) and the first thing the dentist said was if you don't practice good posture you will have a short career. I stayed thinking about it the rest of the class. At the end I spoke tot he professor who is a dentist with 40+ under his belt and he agreed with my doctor. Weak back = short career and more pain/damage. But he did make sure to tell me he doesn't know my injuries blah blah blah... Basically cover his butt. But it was enough to scare me straight. 

I went back to my original degree and found out amazing information after crying for about 20 minutes.....My advisor told me I only have 2-3 semesters to finish my bachelors in social work!!!! Not just that but I would be done with a minor in Non profit organization management and a certificate in elderly populations!!!! All of the classes I have been taking did me well!!! Not just that but because of my high GPA I would get into the accelerated masters program and be done with it in 2 semesters!!!! I would be done with everything in 2 years!!! Same time the dental hygiene would have taken!!!!!!!!!!! YEY!!!!!! I only went for the dental because of the money and time it took to get the degree. I thought I had so much more left to my degree when my husband and I broke up that I panicked!! But with guidance and clarity I got the correct information and Im well on my way to my true calling. My heart has always been in social work!!!! I am so happy.....

Oh and I found a horse rescue I will be applying to for volunteer work!! I am so excited. Thank you for the idea turnera!!


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## TooNice

Everything works out. Always. ❤


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## mishu143

Got a call back from the horse ranch!!! Im in. I am super excited and I get to share the experience with my kiddies!! Woo-hoo!!!

I am also back in at my old Uni, and I am registered for Fall term to finish my social work degree. WOO WOO!!!!

O and STBX has been on my tail, trying to get some sexy time, I am not having it!!! Told him to lay off!


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## turnera

Just wow! Good times ahead! SO proud of you.


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## mishu143

so i made it clear to the horse rance lady that I have back issues and she said it was fine. Just try to get someone to help with the heavy lifting but I can groom them etc... Im not 100% still... we shall see.


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## mishu143

This weekend has been horrible!!!! All he has done is torment me about how I caused our break up. How I did xyz... I am fed up. I need feedback... let me know... I know the history is posted here somewhere because I Joined TAM after his first gas lighting attempt....

So here is the first example I bring you,

He excuses his behavior by saying that the first time I kicked him out (when I caught him lying to me about the woman from his past in the keys) was enough for him to do as he pleased. When I took h im back I found out there was a woman from work too. So I kicked his ass out. I thought for good. In that time he was out where my suspicions were confirmed, My girlfriend, who I stopped talking to because of my husband, came out and wanted to take me out to get my mind off things. I went. I had a nice time and yes a man paid for my way. I thanked him the next day and at a sorry attempt to flirt said don't post anything on facebook hehe.... so there that was the end of that. 

I eneded up talking to a few friends I grew up with all males. I had a handful of girl friends but plenty of male friends, I was a tom boy growing up. I never hooked up with them, they were friends. He somehow saw the messeges and all of them were about me *****ing and crying about him... some how that meant I screwed them all. Ugggh I don't even know hwy I am wasting my time typing this out. All I want to do is cry from the torment he has flung at me all weekend. I am good and fine and since he finally feels like **** he has to bring me down too?? Bringin up things I DID NOT DO from almost 3 years ago!!!THINGS I did as a consequence to his cheating on me. Whether PA of EA I don't know or do I care, it is the same to me either way. HE cheated and I do not believe it wasn't physical but I have no proof other than the EA via text. That's was enough.... 

I took him back too soon then and padi the price. He made my life hell. HE CHEATED!!!! and I paid the price??? how?? why?? so he does this for two years. I go ape sh*t crazy and want to hospitalize myself to get away from him, so I realize its time he goes.... and when I kick him out for good, he still gets sex from me, to then go out and find a tramp on his trip??? BUT I AM THE REASON HE CHEATED!!!???!!!??? GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE!!!!:rofl::rofl::rofl::lol::lol::scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead::sleeping::sleeping:That is everything I am feeling mashed up into one. 

In My mind this man is a loser. I sore loser. And one who doesn't quit while he is ahead. HE had my in the palm of his hand and he dropped me for a tramp on a trip... screws with me that he continues to pin this all on me.... 

Yes I see and know this post is everywhere. I am everywhere. I am raw right now. Hate it, but its all part of the process.


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## turnera

mishu143 said:


> He excuses his behavior by saying that the first time I kicked him out was enough for him to do as he pleased.


You DO realize that this is straight out of Abuser's Handbook 101, right? Blame YOU for forcing HIM to abuse YOU?

Ignore that idjit. He doesn't deserve any more space in your brain.


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## mishu143

Now to add to the pot of idiocracy I deal with, he tells me just now that I am being hard on him. That I should be sensitive. He doesn't understand how I could just wipe 8 years away. I guess he forgot I cried a lot during the marriage and suffered a lot these last 5 months with the instability that is my new life. He doesn't care about anyone but himself. All I want to worry about is making sure my kids are okay. 

BTW had to do follow up with that cute surgeon I wrote about earlier... he is so freaking cute!!! God I wish I had the nerve to say something lol


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## turnera

Your response (every time): "Too bad so sad."


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## mishu143

turnera said:


> Your response (every time): "Too bad so sad."


:iagree:

It is, he doesn't like it. Which is why he is telling me I should be nice to him.... pfffft. is he kidding me with this crap.... lol... today im better. 

I noticed that when I am on a binge I am emotionally less fit to deal with him. 4th of July weekend was a killer on my weight loss. lol. then his torment only made it worse. Im back on track today... He gets one day to ruin me emotionally. Im back on track physically and mentally.


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## TooNice

It's an awesome feeling when you take control of the things you CAN take control of!


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## mishu143

TooNice said:


> It's an awesome feeling when you take control of the things you CAN take control of!


Thank you too nice... How r you btw?? Anything new?


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## TooNice

Hanging in there. The ball is definitely rolling. Fast. I just posted an update last night: 
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-.../176729-my-journal-making-about-me-now-5.html

Thanks for asking.


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## mishu143

So our mediation date is set for August, the time is approaching. But he is being so stubborn and I am sad and sickened by it. Basically he doesn't agree to anything I want. I was very thoughtful in what I wanted. He cheated, why should I worry about him. He threatened to take my kids away for holding down a job and going to school. Why should I worry about him? 

Now he wants me to agree on 50/50 custody. And I will not agree to it, because although I did want to share them 50/50, it isn't a stable life for them. 

#1 - He plans to live far from us which is number one. Its a 35-40 minutes drive to the kids schools and their life in our original home. I do not expect him to wake them up early, feed them, and drive them to school OUT OF HIS WAY on time. He cant even get himself on time to work. Never has. He didn't grow up with the mindset that attendance is important because his mother was the same way with his drop off at school. I allowed this to happen, he would have to get the kids up at about 5:50-6:00 AM, get the ready and be out of his house no later than 7:30 just to drop them both off at different schools by no later than 8:30am. Again this is a man who takes better care of himself than a woman and who looks at himself in the mirror 50xs before leaving the house to make sure he looks good. We could never get anywhere on time because of him. I was done with myself and the kids in no time and he was still ironing his clothes or geling his hair and bam...we were late waiting for him to finish, or I would be in a bad mood because I had to rush him as if he were a child. So am I wrong for fearing he will do the same on SCHOOL DAYS?? We can get into legal trouble if the attendance becomes an issue in our county. Truancy is not taken lightly. 

#2 - He does not cook. He doesn't prepare meals, he doesn't eat healthy, and every time my kids are over they tell me daddy buys them a lot of fast food. Okay fine not a biggie every other weekend. But everyday?? NO!!! My kids had a mother at home for them to make sure they got their meals every day at more or less the same time. Breakfast lunch and dinner. When I worked it was the same thing. I did it all. They are used to having food when they get it. He has a crazy schedule and feeds them when he feels like it an dmost times they are starving by the time he does get them food. Again every other weekend is whatever, but not every day. 

#3 - when they get sick he leaves them to me. Part of that 50/50 nonsense is to care for them when they are sick too. If I have a job or I am in school and they are with their dad he has to care for them. And I know he wont because he has done it since we have been separated. Kid sgot sick with a bug, and he used his grandmas immune system as an excuse to not pick them up. Sure I would buy it if the old lady didn't keep the 4 other grand kids around when they were sick with infectious diseases, but she does, so that excuse wasn't one I could believe. 

#4 - he doesn't not make sure the kids homework is done and does not make my son sit down and read when he has to EVERY night... When we were married every time I asked him to help he avoided it and when he did I was the one who ended up doing the work because he couldn't. 

Im not sure what else to post, but I think that is sufficient evidence against what he wants. I don't mind sharing them for vacations, weekends, etc, but the kids need stability to thrive in school and in the future. Am I wrong for feeling this way, Am I being mean? I feel I am protecting them, and I feel bad for him, but he has never shown me different. Even to spend time with the kids it was at home, or I had to hang out with his family to get out of the house because he didn't feel like doing anything I wanted to do for them. No parks, instead he would do game works, never anything that was actually good for them, just fun for him. And he doesn't seem to stop arguing with me about how great he was to me or the kids. He was hoenstlu a ery selfish person. I had brain surgery and he wouldn't sleep in the hospital wioth me. Our son was with his mother for the 2 weeks I was in the hospital and she cared for him. My husband had no valid excuse to not sleep with me in that room. And now all he does is blame my family and I should be gratedul to his for being there with me the whole time. That wasn't the case at all. He thinks that the morphine made me too loopy to know what was going on. Well I have news for him, I have a high tolerance for pain meds or any med for that matter, I am a freak of nature. Brain surgery and Morphine and I was still totally awake and alert and knew exactly what was going on. I even have photographic proof he would leave from the speedpass photos that were mailed out looking for pyment on tolls. OH MY GOODNESS!!!!


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## turnera

Are you keeping a journal of all the times he has done this with the kids? If not, start one. Go back til when they were born, and date each item to the best of your knowledge. Show all the instances where he didn't take care of the kids. Fill that book up!


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## mishu143

turnera said:


> Are you keeping a journal of all the times he has done this with the kids? If not, start one. Go back til when they were born, and date each item to the best of your knowledge. Show all the instances where he didn't take care of the kids. Fill that book up!


I have been keeping track of his behavior since he left in February/March. Only regarding the kids ofcourse, because in my state no one cares what he did or didn't do to me.


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## turnera

Yeah, I just meant about the kids, if you're trying to keep him from getting 50%, you'll have to show why.

Also, is your lawyer putting something in about him not being able to move the kids that far away from you? Here in Houston, you're still in the same county when you're 50 miles away, but in other places, that would be crossing county lines and I've seen lots of divorces stipulate that you can't move the kid out of the county.


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## mishu143

turnera said:


> Yeah, I just meant about the kids, if you're trying to keep him from getting 50%, you'll have to show why.
> 
> Also, is your lawyer putting something in about him not being able to move the kids that far away from you? Here in Houston, you're still in the same county when you're 50 miles away, but in other places, that would be crossing county lines and I've seen lots of divorces stipulate that you can't move the kid out of the county.


Im not sure yet, but I know that in florida I have to stay within 50 miles of the original address. I have no plans to move right now so I am okay. He on the other hand has moved about 40 miles away to live with his grandma. and plans to rent a place about 30 miles away to be half way between the kids and the job. I don't understand how he makes sense of driving north 30 miles to drop them off in school, then 45 miles back south for work, then again 45 miles north to pick them up from school, then another 30 miles south to get home. Its a lot of driving time and the kids will feel it. It isn't fair for them. They have agood set up here, with great schools, and everything nearby. I hate he is using them like this.


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## turnera

What happens in 90% of all the cases I've seen is that he will do it for a week, maybe a month, and then just disappear and give you 90% custody because it's too much work.


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## mishu143

That is hypothetically if he wins his bid for 50/50 right??

God I hope my poor kids don't have to go through that. He has already disappointed them twice this month alone. He doesn't ick them up on Friday like he says he will then I have to call his grandmother to find him, to which he yells at me about, but I do it cuz my son is crying for me to try.. ughh


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## turnera

mishu, you need to stop doing that RIGHT NOW. The healthiest thing you can do for your child is to let him own his own relationship with his dad. And if his dad is going to flake on him, as so many do, the YOUNGER he is when he experiences it and accepts it, the less traumatic it will be for him and the easier to handle. Make the call if he's too young to call, but aside from that, just give basic truth: Son, you dad isn't coming. No emotion, just truth. If he gets sad, tell him his dad loves him but sometimes things don't work out.


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## mishu143

turnera said:


> mishu, you need to stop doing that RIGHT NOW. The healthiest thing you can do for your child is to let him own his own relationship with his dad. And if his dad is going to flake on him, as so many do, the YOUNGER he is when he experiences it and accepts it, the less traumatic it will be for him and the easier to handle. Make the call if he's too young to call, but aside from that, just give basic truth: Son, you dad isn't coming. No emotion, just truth. If he gets sad, tell him his dad loves him but sometimes things don't work out.


That's exactly what I do. I grew up with a dead beat dad just the same way and my mother never ever bad mouthed him...

called the grandma that one weekend because my son was crying and wanted me to try, and I only dialed the number and gave him the phone. He is 7, so it isn't the same as a 3 year old or even a 5 year old. He isn't as gullible as he once was. I honestly wish I would have never taken him back. My son was younger, my daughter a baby, things would have been easier to transition to back then.


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## TooNice

Just document all of it. The more details you have, the better your chances of not having to even bother trying 50/50.


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## mishu143

Today, I am overwhelmingly sad. I cant tell you why because I don't know other than I am feeling lonely. And I have been irritable all day. I just want to be loved by a good man. I see all these dating sites and just browse and its depressing to see how many men just want a fling or a quickie hook up.. ughhh, I hope my good man comes when im ready, but today is just one of those days.


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## turnera

You will find that kind of guy once you're legally done with this jerk and you start doing things like meetup.com where you meet people who enjoy doing the same things you do.


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## TooNice

turnera said:


> You will find that kind of guy once you're legally done with this jerk and you start doing things like meetup.com where you meet people who enjoy doing the same things you do.


:iagree:


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## mishu143

So I went back to my attorney and told him my ex is going crazy. He told me to not pay attention to him and to only answer him when the kids are around. It is driving him insane and also giving me anxiety. I am tired of his calls and texts. I planned on going to the cops, but my mom told me he apologized last night and would behave. So she said to give him one last chance and if he keeps it up to then go and file a report. 

Now he springs up this idea that he wants to take the kids for a week. My son doesn't want to go. He has an ice skating trip thru camp he will be missing because of his dad. Also they will be missing their dental check ups because of his impulsive whim. Uggggh I am so frustrated and I cant do anything about it. I am trying so hard to keep my cool but im going nuts, about him trying to do this 50/50 thing on his own whim... These attorneys are worthless. Im tired.


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## turnera

Offer him something to take your kids a different week.


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## mishu143

its done, he has them, Im okay with it. He will make up the ice skating trip tomorrow, and I will reschedule the appt. 

I have been thinking about the custody arrangements, and im so unsure about it. I would love to do the 50/50 if he actually pulls his weight. But I know him, and I know he will eventually leave it to me. Ugggh I guess these are issues I have to bring up to the lawyer. LEave the arrangement open ended for changes if he screws up.


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## mishu143

So I got a bill from my attorney. I haven't even seen a mediator and I already owe him $153.85. he already ate thru my retainer of 2k!!! I just sent him an email, firing him. I want all my case files ready for pick up ASAP and I will be going to the court house tomorrow myself to get this done. I am so livid. I am crying. I will be reporting him the the BAR association and I will be asking for a fee arbitration on my account. Any thoughts??


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## turnera

Not really surprised; it's what they do. Every single call and email costs you.


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## mishu143

turnera said:


> Not really surprised; it's what they do. Every single call and email costs you.


Here is an example of a line on the bill : 

Mailing of Parenting class list .......................$50.00

They are billing me $50.00 for a list of providers I could have fond on my own online, stating it took them ten minutes to stuff the envelope with a poorly copied piece of paper!!!! And it isn't even up to date!!!!!!!!! WTF!!!!


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## turnera

Well, that's what they do, mishu. I'm surprised you didn't know that.


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## mishu143

turnera said:


> Well, that's what they do, mishu. I'm surprised you didn't know that.


wow really? No I didn't expect that at all. Why would I expect for a lawyer to bill me $50 for a piece of paper that again I could have located on my own online, and that was up to date. And in what monkey world does it take ten minutes to put this PIECE OF PAPER into an envelope? 

I also would have expected for him to make an apt with an inhouse court mediator at the local court house which is at most$120 for and entire days session because he was fully aware I am poor and cant afford a private one at $300/hr plus his $300/hr fee for the time he would be sitting there mediating with me!!! WTF!!!! He is a predator.... This isn't Ethical behavior. 


Well I am done and he is fired. Now waiting for him to remove himself off the case.


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## turnera

Make sure you discuss this with your next lawyer. Who will be doing the exact same thing - charging you for every minute - literally, every minute - he spends on your case.


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## mishu143

Finally got a letter back from the attorney, he sent in the paper work top withdraw from the case and was very polite and told me my EXs attorney is causing the bills to run up due to all the non sense they are requesting. 

I am doing this solo. 

In other news, I have to add his latest issue with me to the log of crap he throws at me...My sons GOD MOTHER (Exs Great aunt) had offered to purchase my sons school supplies and uniforms. I said YEAH!!!! DUHH! and so she bought them to which I am sooooo grateful for. Seriously super!!! She sends the text to both me and the ex that supplies are bought. The ex calls me complaining that from now on I have to go through him before speaking to his family regarding our kids needs. I told him, I wasn't going to argue with him. He got his wish.... ALL of HIS family, who I broke my back kissing ass to for the last 8 years has shunned me at his request. The fact that his aunt still speaks to me is only speaking volumes of her good nature and character to know and have better sense of the fact that I am not as bad as he makes me out to be. That I followed Christ with her guidance and she is my confirmation god mother. That she knows the truth of who he is and what he has done and she doesn't filter BS. That I don't call her nor anyone on his side of the family since they have all made it clear I am not wanted. SHE reached out to me, and HER HUSBAND who is like a dad to me have been the most loving people during this hard time. I will not ask him for permission to speak to anyone. They are aduylts and they will do as they please. They are helping their GOD child, not me....

TO which he replied, I am going to write them a check for the amount they spent and now I know I will have to get the courts involved to stop you from contacting them... 

I will admit that hurt me and put fear in my heart. FOR ABOUT A SECOND. then I remembered I didn't do anything wrong, so he can look as foolish as he would like infront of a judge... I DONT CARE ANYMORE>>> I WAS BORN ALONE>>> and NOW I AM ALONE!!! I WILL SURVIVE THIS STORM... I WILL MAKE ALL THINGS HAPPEN FOR MYSELF AND MOST OF ALL FOR MY KIDS!!!!

FU*K HIM AND HIS THREATS!!!!

Thank you, I will now step off the soap box...


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## turnera

IIWY, I would call your son's godmother and tell her what he's doing.


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## mishu143

turnera said:


> IIWY, I would call your son's godmother and tell her what he's doing.


What does IIWY mean??

I sent her a text right away and told her he was upset about it, then asked her to call me when she got the chance.


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## turnera

= if I were you


----------



## Butterfly1014

Mishu- Goodness I have just read through your thread hoping to get some insight on how things may turn out for me. I am so sorry you're STBX H is being such a tool, is the only word I can think of to call him. I don't understand why a grown man with children would act like this. But then I have one to.
Right now he isn't sure what he wants to do, go through with filing or work on things and it has been a month. He is staying with his parents. I know that I have to move on and I have been working on me but this limbo sucks. 
I hope for your sake and the sake of your family that he gives you your divorce and let's you move on.


----------



## mishu143

Butterfly1014 said:


> Mishu- Goodness I have just read through your thread hoping to get some insight on how things may turn out for me. I am so sorry you're STBX H is being such a tool, is the only word I can think of to call him. I don't understand why a grown man with children would act like this. But then I have one to.
> Right now he isn't sure what he wants to do, go through with filing or work on things and it has been a month. He is staying with his parents. I know that I have to move on and I have been working on me but this limbo sucks.
> I hope for your sake and the sake of your family that he gives you your divorce and let's you move on.


Hi butterfly, 

I was in turmoil for years before we actually separated this time around, so it hurt but it was relief all at the same time...It was super hard in the beginning. I have been pretty blunt and honest in my posts so you can get an idea of what I have been going thru emotionally. In my opinion, a choice has to be made. Being in limbo is the worse. And as you read thru the posts youll notice almost EVERYONE SAYS THAT. one thing is going out to cool off and another is to move out to think about things.... Im not sure that is the best way to handle it all... I will keep you in my prayers, but the best advice I can give you is to CRY IT ALL OUT IF YOU HAVE TO...just do it when your kids (if you have nay) are not around to hear you or see you when you are done. Grab a pillow and scream /cry into it. GET IT OUT ASAP and then leave it there. Take care of you and only you. He is an adult and he can care for himself... do the 180... I can tell you, it drives them nuts. Me EX went bat sh*t crazy and constantly called me and harassed me. So far he has been better this week, but I think it is because I have a new phone that can now keep track of his crappy behavior. but who knows, could also be he finally found new booty to chase...In the end I DONT CARE because I am caring for me... 

Butterfly, I am broke, stressed, scared, anxious, and lonely, BUT I AM THE HAPPIEST I HAVE BEEN IN THE LAST 8 YEARS!!!! This is my experience and my story. I am pro marriage and believe in commitment. I forgave once, but I now see I was a mental case from mental abuse/manipulation. PM if you ever need someone to talk to... .. Im stil in the midst of it all, but im at least over the heartbreak part of it. I want out FAST!!


----------



## mishu143

So I have been dragging my feet on the divorce out of fear. And As I read through all the documents, these lawyers just pinned us one against the other. He and I can settle this alone. Why continue the arguments?? Because his pride and ego take over! I know we need to sit down and talk things out. But I don't see him even trying. I want to go for the agreed, done and be done route. But this is all complicated for nothing. I mean it nothing. All I want is peace and stability for the kids.


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## turnera

And yet you repeatedly say he refuses to cooperate. You COULD do this on your own - IF you had a husband willing to cooperate. You don't. That is why you pay the lawyer. It does no good to wish for what you don't have - a cooperative husband.


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## mishu143

turnera said:


> And yet you repeatedly say he refuses to cooperate. You COULD do this on your own - IF you had a husband willing to cooperate. You don't. That is why you pay the lawyer. It does no good to wish for what you don't have - a cooperative husband.


I totally understand, BUT I DO NOT HAVE MONEY TO PAY FOR A LAWYER!!!! AT ALL>>> IM SERIOUS!!!! IM ON WELFARE and he keeps on fighting a fight that makes no sense!!

Anyone go at it alone after hiring then firing an attorney?


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## mishu143

I am feeling desperate.


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## turnera

mishu, you're in America, right? You have access to the greatest helps IN THE WORLD. Spend your time READING and EDUCATING YOURSELF on what you can do, ok? Check your city, county, state, and federal rights. 

Report back. THEN we'll decide how to help you.


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## mishu143

I filed the papers today asking for temporary support and all the other nice things I though my attorney had done... I feel better, but guess what, he stopped paying the bills and made sure to tell me he is only paying my child support for 50/50 custody. Even though I have them full time and he picks them up every other weekend.... he also claims to be moving into our county but still not close enough to where he says he wants to be an active participant in the kids lives. I don't see him doing it. Taking them to the dr. getting into work late to drop them off on time (even though he is late EVERY DAY), he wont leave early to pick them up on time. I mean these are all things he did while we were married. Things I know he has only gotten worse with because he doesn't have me to wake him up for work on time etc. Yes alarm clock exist, but not to him. Only I kicked him out of bed to get him to work semi- on time. 

Im down in the dumps. My rent is due on the first 
and now he wont pay. He is excusing himself by saying I had 6 months to get a job and 9 years to finish school... wow!! He forgot to mention he never let me grow at my jobs and the few I held were just that a few dead end jobs because he didn't want me to think about work. He didn't want me to finish school either. My primary job was to care for our kids and him. He forgot how I gave into it and did it and this is the kick in the ass I get. Poor man who comes along next. I will never allow myself to become so vulnerable. 

I'm so upset. I really am. I'm hurting all over again. Does he not see he is hurting my kids by not paying the rent and stuff. Thank god I put in the temporary orders today. I hope I get a court date sooner than later. The balls of this man telling me what he will and wont pay. Its going to hurt him really bad when we go to court right?

What should I be doing as far as gathering evidence?

If I complain of the bills....statements with proof of non payment of late payment....
Child support....I put in the support guidelines that I want the child support I was entitled too under the law with proof of child care expenses. 
alimony....
the car with receipts that he stiffed me on repairs. 
I don't know what else to put in there. or to have redy for a court date.


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## turnera

A friend at another forum had her husband start being abusive once she started calling him out on his cheating. So she took the kids and moved into a woman's shelter. Which he also derided her for. She stayed there for a few months while they helped her get signed up for junior college to get certified to make a living (she was a SAHM). They helped her obtain a lawyer and helped her make payment arrangements for that lawyer because he stopped paying ANYTHING to help his own kids. They helped her get into a rental house - to which he would show up and walk into as if he owned it, until she started calling the police. All the while he called her a *****, a welfare ****, a POS, everything you could imagine. With our help, she got strong, learned how to avoid his crap, got her neighbors to help keep him from coming on her property and verbally attacking her....it was horrible. But she accepted whatever help she could get, used it wisely, and two years later is now self-sufficient, proud, has the love and respect of her kids and everyone else....and he's now a parriah with a ruined life.

Do what you need to do. Ask your county agencies for help. Go back to the old lawyer if you have to, but get legal help to FORCE him to pay support. Even if it's just paying a lawyer $250 to write him a 'pay or else' letter. Now is not the time to feel sorry for yourself. I've seen women in much worse situations. You'll be ok.


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## mishu143

not feeling sorry for myself at all turnera. I am on government help. I am in school with that help. I have my kids in daycare with that help. I get cash with that help. I have done all I can to get help, and trust me he isn't happy about that. I already put in a motion for an emergency hearing (all by myself today) I thought I wrote that in the other post. The paper work has been filed. Now I have to wait for a response. I think you guys don't realize that even a measly $250 is a lot for me. I HAVE NOTHING. as a matter of fact I have negative $15000 in my name. Im not sitting here crying or feeling pity. Im genuinely trying to navigate this problem and criticizing me isn't helpful. Comparing my issues to someone elses isn't either. Everyone has their own coping mechanisms and every city, county, state has different programs that are run. Lets also remember most non-profits are now private and not advertised for a reason. They lack funds, so whoever finds them gets lucky and gets help. 

I called FEDERAL STATE and COUNTY bar associations. NO LEGAL AID unless I am a domestic abuse victim. Sure I can say he verbally abused me and mentally abused me, but because I fought back I don't look like a saint myself. All because I defended myself. and I have no evidence of his abuse and mental drainage. So its a hopeless case to make. I only have a year before I am done with my bachelors and then two more semesters to obtain my masters. Im excited for my career future because I know I will be able to provide for my kids with more than enough income as a LCSW. Even just with my masters while I do my internship I will make good money in the field. 

The problem is that now, I have nothing to pay bills with. I am going thru the application process for a stay at home customer service position. And it is SUPER flexible. Like I can literally work whenever I want. I log in take calls and get paid. Im crossing my fingers and praying I will get in. That way I have some kind of cash flow coming in while I am in school. 

The court paper work was easy enough and I was lucky the lady at the court house was one of my neighbors who helped me out more than she had to. Seriously, Big City, Small world!!My neighbor of all people works at the very department I needed to be in to get my paper work done. I was very grateful, everytime I feel alone and desperate God brings me back and reminds me he is here and helping me even when I don't think he is paying attention.


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## turnera

Well, I'll bow out, then, if you think I'm being harmful. Good luck. 

One last thought - if a guy can set up a Kickstarter site to get $10 to learn how to make potato salad and end up with $60,000, maybe you could set one up and get a few hundred dollars to help with your bills.


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## mishu143

turnera said:


> Well, I'll bow out, then, if you think I'm being harmful. Good luck.
> 
> One last thought - if a guy can set up a Kickstarter site to get $10 to learn how to make potato salad and end up with $60,000, maybe you could set one up and get a few hundred dollars to help with your bills.


I didn't say you were being harmful, but kicking me while I am down is not helpful... Just sayin.... As far as a kickstarter campaign...hmmm...I guess that could be an option... Ill look into it.

BTW I just found out the bills are two months past due.... I am just over the moon...


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## mishu143

So as my journey continues, I am feeling helpless and want to help someone out. I tried volunteering at the horse ranch, but the lady wasn't so kind with her workers and that was a red flag. 

Now with the Ebola crisis on hand I think I want to start a crowdsourcing campaign to raise funds and help supply the epidemic with adequate protective gear, cleaning supplies, etc so they can contain the disease. 

Any thoughts?


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