# Effect of reading these threads



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I am realizing that the more time I spend on TAM, the less love 
I feel for my fWW. It's bad. 

I go in spurts with TAM. 
Sometimes I'm on all the time, like with Eric415's thread and a few others. Other times I'll go a couple of weeks without logging in. It's pretty clear at times I feel like an addict.

But the last few threads I have followed have all been women lying and cheating. It reminds me of the lying my wife has done, makes me more suspicious and I feel myself falling out of love with her for awhile. She's been a good girl now for almost 6 months but I feel less passion and less excitement about my life with her. 

We are almost 2 years past DDay 1 and 6 months past DDay 2. When I feel our marriage is in danger, my love intensifies and then when I feel safe it fades, especially when I spend a lot of time on here.

Have others experienced this with TAM? How do you get to a healthy balance of occassionally helping people out on here while you focus on your spouse and give your love to them? I'm finding it difficult to do both simultaneously.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

When it gets too much you need to take a step back and take a break from TAM. The BS will keep coming if you're here or not. You need to prioritize you own relationship. Frankly if I were so far removed from my ex's betrayal and weren't in such a great marriage now I couldn't stay here for long without going bonkers.


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

I have a pretty good marriage with NO betrayal and I still feel ****ty at times when I come on here that it requires so much work, so much knowledge, there are so many variables out of our control. 

Why do I come here? To be a competent husband and to remind myself to keep up the investments and the effort knowing the payoffs in my marriage. 

About two weeks ago I had knots in my stomach from this place just considering the possibilities and the threats all around from weakness of human nature verus comittment and integrity. 

I had to sort the things I can control from those that I cant and take a step back. THe result has been another great week loving my wife, taking care of business and being desired in return.


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

Wow didn't know it was 2x in. 2 yrs. I feel for you - that's tough
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

I like to think I might help someone in my situation. I made so many mistakes that could have been averted.

Also, it helps remind me just how bloody evil my ex wife was.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It makes me think: "God! And I think I had it bad!"


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Hey Gabriel
Glad to hear things are going well. 
The stories are just that. People's experiences. They aren't yours. Because you are two different people with your own unique backgrounds. 
the curse of waiting around to be hurt is.... you are "asking" for it to happen. 
Trust that your life and your marriage will be the way it's meant to be, as long as you are both doing what you should.

Your best. That's what you are doing. The rest of it (your wife) isn't in your control, really. 
If you give love, you win.
If you let fear keep you from loving, the past wins.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

LanieB said:


> I do the same thing, Gabriel. I feel like I'm addicted and can't stop reading this stuff! I'm not sure it's helping my feelings for my WH. However, I'm right in the middle of trying to R. (DDay #1 Aug '12, DDay #2 Nov '12 - kicked him out, filed for divorce, let him come back 12/27/12) Not sure my R is going to work. WH isn't really making any changes and doesn't seem to feel any remorse or guilt for what he did. Hell, I'm not 100% sure he's not still seeing OW! So when I come here and read all these posts, it does make me feel pretty hopeless about my own situation.
> 
> The "evidence gathering" threads are the worst for me. I get obsessed with researching ways to spy until my heart is pounding and I'm all stressed out. It's ridiculous really. MAYBE it wouldn't be so bad if I could see my WH was at least sorry for what he did, but all I've gotten so far was a generic apology that I basically forced out of him.
> 
> I think it would be hard to stay on this site once R was working though. It would only cause more doubt to stay in your head - like we don't have enough of that already.


I feel you. Mine was longer ago so sometimes I don't even remember what she said. I remember a couple of I'm so sorrys in there. I remember the hysterical bonding after DDay 1. I remember the 3 days of complete 180 radio silence I gave my W after DDay 2 (which was her secretly emailing with OM behind my back after 10 months of successful no contact). 

I think I'm going to stay on a few more days to address this thread and a couple others, and then take a few weeks completely off of TAM to refocus.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

southernsurf said:


> Wow didn't know it was 2x in. 2 yrs. I feel for you - that's tough
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah, DDay 1 was May 2011 - caught her EA early, but her feelings were deep. He was a very close platonic friend of hers since before I knew her. It turned romantic a month before I caught it.

She went NC until March of 2012, then began emailing back and forth again with him (although not romantically - she thought she could just be friends with him again). I didn't catch it until September of 2012. That hit the reset button for me, tried a few different things, and then told her I would D her if she insisted on keeping the friendship. As far as I can tell, she's been NC with him since then.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Its a fact that in many cases the feelings just fade. The hurt is so bad it can't be absorbed all at once. You may wake up one day and find no feelings are left. 

Thd relationship has to be regularly attended to, or like a garden, it withers and dies. Killing the affair is only the first battle. Do not let yourself be whipped by old habits or inertia.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

OP,

I agree with you. I underwent the same feelings. In fact, some months ago, I started a thread "Is TAM addictive?"

There are two things that attract me here to TAM.

(1) I understand how others undergo the pain of As, the destruction it does etc. I also come to know of how WS behave before getting caught and after. 
(2) Inasmuch as I took the benefit of TAM and seniors here, I think it is my turn to share my thoughts and experiences with new comers here.

What is required is to understand that TAM users' experiences are not yours; dont wear that glass to see your life.

What you have is your life and your spouse are what they are and NOT those WS you hear about in TAM.

I came to know shockingly, over the last two years here, that there are far worser WS in the world. And maybe I am better off than dealing with those. MattMatt said that well.

With further knowledge and experience, you should manage better at your personal life.

Demarcating TAM users' experiences and your own life requires a little bit of care. It is as easy as that and as hard as that.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Knowledge is power. After reading enough of these threads, this all starts to become 2nd nature. I was in a restaurant a few months ago and I had noticed that every time the Husband got up for the buffet, his Wife would pull her phone out and start texting. She would look over her shoulder to make sure he was not on his way back and continue to type, giggle, etc.. Now that I know many of the “signs”, I just stared at her until she looked up at me. The look on her face said it all. She looked back down, put the phone away and would not look at me after that. I would not have had any idea of what was going on(as her Husband didn't seem to know) if I had not been coming here. If this guy had been one of my friends, I would have warned him. If this guy had been I would have had a much better chance of reading the signs and taking action. I know what you’re saying about seeming like we’re addicted, but for me the alternative could be much worse. Also, every once in a while someone has it work out for them and it gives me hope…


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

I'm actually very grateful to TAM. I'm a traditional Catholic and the marriage/family thing is big for us. Despite this, I've never been comfortable with the idea of marriage and family. I come from a broken family that didn't, to my knowledge, involve infidelity but the separation still colored by credulity regarding livelong marriage (which is non-negotiable for a trad). Nonetheless, given the odds of even escaping a divorce, compounded with the odds of having an unfaithful spouse or false paternity, I'd have to be a frigging moron to play that gamble.

So, yeah, I'm thankful for having the information available here, so that I could make an informed decision about whether I wanted to risk my happiness, my assets and livelihood, and the prospect of having only visitation access to any prospective children, all on the principles and morality of another human being.

Not even once.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

I know what you mean, Gabriel. There are times I think sticking around TAM makes me feel particularly paranoid about the smallest things because it's a regular reminder of not only what I went through, but what WS'es do (and BS'es go through). It makes me wonder if it's stunting my ability to move on beyond the past into the future we're building.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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