# Wife moved out, with OM and refuses communication (kids)



## Mutt (May 6, 2013)

I've been lurking around this forum for a little while now and I thought that now would be a good time to create a thread and to get some advise.

I have been married for almost 5 years and together with the same woman for 8 years. We have three young children together (1 and a half, 5 and 8 year old). My wife (stay at home wife) left with the kids in February of 2013 and wants a divorce. 

She had disclosed to me that she felt it was time to "move on" and that she was going to tell all of her friends that "I'm leaving you." back in October of 2012.

I had begged her a couple of times to stay. She did agree that she was going to stay for the holidays and the birthdays in January but after my birthday she was going to start to move out.

In August of 2012 I had noticed that my wife was texting, emailing and on Facebook much more than normal and it was increasing and especially noticeable in October. I had asked her a couple of times "whom are you talking to?" and after she had disclosed that she was leaving me, I had also asked "Is there an OM?" She awkwardly came up with excuses with texting and quietly smiled and giggle and said "No, there is no other man".

The day after my birthday on Jan 16th until the day she left on Feb 21st, it was a series of whirlwind of events. When I would get home she would leave me with the kids and go out and sometimes not return until midnight. Her excuse was I have to make new friends and get out of here. If I asked her where she was going she would angrily say "I'm getting out of this hellhole!" There was tension in the home yes, but there was no fighting. I had accepted the fact that I cannot change her mind and I had hoped that we could reconcile in the future. On my days off, she was home for maybe an hour and would leave me with the kids and be out for almost the entire day and return late. In that 5 week period she had not returned home two nights. I was concerned and had told her to at least call so I know that she is safe and her response was that "I didn't think that you cared" It had not crossed my mind that she was out with an OM. I had trusted her through our entire marriage and it was not in her character to do something like this.

Two and a half weeks after she had moved out, it was my turn to have the kids on the weekend and she emailed me at work and said "BTW, if the kids mention it, I have a boyfriend". I was floored, shocked and my world felt like it had gone upside down. I was and still am so angry at her for introducing an "OM" to the kids so early in the divorce to the kids. She has also to told me that he sleeps over there. She said that it was heartbreaking to hear my 5 year old son ask "is Jeff going to sleep on the couch like daddy did?" We were going through MC last year and things had broken down with communication and I had spent several months on the couch. 

I had gone to her house a couple of weeks after she had disclosed OM and talked to her. I got the speech about "I love you like a brother but I don't have sexual tension with you." "Jeff is just a friend but we are having sex now so we are boyfriend and girlfriend." "the entire eight years was a terrible marriage that never should of happened".

This is the toughest thing that I have ever gone through in my life. The most painful part is that she makes it extremely difficult to communicate about the kids or anything. She refuses to talk on the phone and will only allow for me to talk to her via e-mail and that is it. She had wanted to do a legal separation agreement but refused to do it in person and wanted to whole thing facilitated via e-mail and that's it. I've gone from a busy home-life with seeings kids day in and day out to only seeing them every second weekend. I feel like a wreck.

We have had our difficulties. She tells me that I was emotionally and financially abusing her and that she was done with the marriage. We had gone to MC a few times and were separated for short periods of times for 3 times. I knew things were really bad, but I did not realize that she had checked out of the marriage about a year ago. I had thought that somehow we may turn a corner. I had not given up in my marriage and I would never had cheated on her like she did. We did not have sex for a long time. Nearly two years since the birth of my last son. She was prone to PPD and the last time it was very bad. I had lost interest with her in that regards because of the constant fighting and complaining. Had I known what I know now, I would of put every effort into this.

Dealing with her now is a hellish experience. I'm trying to get a custody and visitation agreement done with her and she ignores my requests. She says there is no chance in getting back together (she did say before she left that there may be a chance that we may marry again) and I feel like that I'm going to lose my kids because she is going to move in with OM due to the financial viability that she will not sustain herself or that she will move out of town to where her friends and family are several hours away, or move to another Province where most of her family is. 

Every single day I think about her when I wake up until I go to bed. I think "What the hell happened?" "Why did she she does this?" "Why did she put herself in front of the kids and not give it another chance?" "Why is this destruction towards that kids?"


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

If you separated three times before and she's done with you now, I think you have to accept the fact it's over and treat her like an adversary.

Get a lawyer, understand your rights and protect yourself.


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

That's horrible but your wife doesn't want to be married to you. Get a lawyer, file for custody and protect yourself and your kids.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Get a lawyer - NOW

I believe that in most cases you can get a seperation agreement that states that there should be no overnight guests in either household (yours or hers) when the children are present

File for Divorce as soon as possible. She's done with you and it doesn't matter that she cheated on you in the past. She checked out a long time ago but just got around to telling you recently

Look up the 180 on this site and follow it. It will help you to move on

Also, I'd suggest counseling for you to try and resolve some of your own issues that led to the difficulties in your marriage so that you're a better man for the next woman in your life


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## Mutt (May 6, 2013)

Toffer said:


> Get a lawyer - NOW
> 
> I believe that in most cases you can get a *seperation agreement that states that there should be no overnight guests in either household (yours or hers) when the children are present*
> 
> ...


I checked and yes you can get a visitation agreement with no other adult and no intoxication etc...

I'll check the 180 and your correct about counseling. I have been doing some but I need to continue to work on myself so that I can be a better person and spouse for the next woman.

Thanks to all that have responded so far. I had been waiting to see what she was going to do and there is a part of me that did not want to cause financial distress for both, but she leaves me no choice. My kids are my life and I have to protect myself and more importantly protect them and get whatever rights that I have enforced. *Time to lawyer up.*


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## Single Malt (May 2, 2013)

Mutt said:


> Dealing with her now is a hellish experience. I'm trying to get a custody and visitation agreement done with her and she ignores my requests.


Document this and report it to your attorney or future attorney. If she is denying you seeing your kids, that can be used against her if you want to go for custody. Its in the best interest of the kids to have a relationship with both parents, and if she is denying them a relationship with you, then a judge, if holding to their own lectures about doing what is best for the children, should rule in your favor.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Mutt,

I'm sorry you're here. That's a tough story to hear.

Your wife has dealt you the cards and you have to accept them. Your main focus now should be to improve your health and mental state, take care of your children, finalize the D, and move on without her. Don't expect anything to change. Use your anger, not your regret, to motivate you. Don't accept any blame in this.

If you haven't, you need to expose this A to the OM's wife/gf, to your family and to her family. Don't let her re-write the marital history to make you out as the bad guy. Exposure can also make the affair more difficult to continue, but at this point, that's not so important. She's obviously checked out of the marriage regardless.

Sometimes the best advice we can give a BS is to just to tell them to move on. This is one of those cases. You may not realize it now, but just around the corner, you'll likely find someone else that you can love, trust and honor their marriage vows.


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## Mutt (May 6, 2013)

badmemory said:


> Mutt,
> 
> 
> Your wife has dealt you the cards and you have to accept them. Your main focus now should be to improve your health and mental state, take care of your children, finalize the D, and move on without her. Don't expect anything to change. Use your anger, not your regret, to motivate you. Don't accept any blame in this.


I completely agree by using anger as motivation and not getting stuck in this rut of regret and blaming myself.



badmemory said:


> *If you haven't, you need to expose this A to the OM's wife/gf, to your family and to her family.* Don't let her re-write the marital history to make you out as the bad guy. Exposure can also make the affair more difficult to continue, but at this point, that's not so important. She's obviously checked out of the marriage regardless.


He's a little older than me, I'm 39 and he's mid forties. My wife is 31. He has never had children. There are actually four kids. She has a child that is 14 from a previous relationship as well that I did not mention. My apologies. It blew my mind, what does a man that has never had a family want with a woman with 4 kids?

I had thought about exposing the A to his family. I found him on FB. I was curious and at the same time I wanted to know his last name just in case something happened. But I did not consider sending information or exposure about A to her family. They have already met him. I'm not sure what difference it would make, but I know that she has blamed me for everything in this so maybe I can expose my side of the story.



badmemory said:


> Sometimes the best advice we can give a BS is to just to tell them to move on. This is one of those cases. You may not realize it now, but just around the corner, you'll likely find someone else that you can love, trust and honor their marriage vows.


I believe this to be true. My 5 year old son was asking me "Dad, when are you getting a girlfriend?" and it felt like a knife to the heart. Why am I in this position to have to explain to my son that no dad is not getting a girlfriend. Not for a longtime. 

I need to grieve and heal and only until then would I consider having a girlfriend.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Mutt, my first LTR was with a divorced woman who had three children ages 14, 10 and four. 

If she had agreed to my proposal, I'd have married her. 

The kids were just part of the 'package'.


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## Single Malt (May 2, 2013)

And about denying you access to your children, I'd let her dig her own hole and keep documenting. I know you want to see your kids, but if you want custody, as obviously if she is denying you seeing them she is the least fit parent, then let her dig herself in deeper and tell an attorney.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

What the hell? To my knowledge, kids can't be taken from the primary household during a divorce. Whoever is still living in the house where the kids were born and raised usually keeps them. Get in touch with a lawyer, now.

And stop being such a beta, you can't afford to anymore in your position. 

What possible reason could a man or woman have to be out all night and not come home?
Thats about the same thing as a man having a half empty box of condoms in his car that his wife has never seen him use before. Theres just no other way to look at it than what it is. 

Theres something called trust, but theres also something called common sense. I think you knew what was going on, but just didn't want to face the facts. That attitude has to end. 

A divorce can be one of the most stressful experiences you'll ever have and if you ever give in or agree to something just to speed things along a bit, you can end up regretting it the rest of your life when you only see your kids for 2 days out of every 2 weeks.


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## Single Malt (May 2, 2013)

Kasler said:


> What the hell? To my knowledge, kids can't be taken from the primary household during a divorce.


It depends. Seems the mother can do what she wants as long as it doesn't involve denying parental contact. If a father were to do that, however, seems kidnapping would be what is normally pursued.

But thats just what I've witnessed. Not sure what the law is other than my attorney, when my x-wife moved out, said there wasn't anything I could do unless she denied me contact with my children.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

As Mutt mentions moving to another "Province" this is not the USA so might be Canada, thus would be covered by Canadian law.


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## Mutt (May 6, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> As Mutt mentions moving to another "Province" this is not the USA so might be Canada, thus would be covered by Canadian law.


I'm not a legal expert by any means. Yes in Canada there is no such thing as fault-divorce. It's no-fault. I believe in the US it's different from State to State. I can divorce her now instead of having to wait 12 months on the grounds of adultery. 

In my 39 years, I have never come across a person as impulsive, agressive and as stubborn as her. I'm not kidding if I had tried to get in her way she would of forcefully taken the kids out. I did not want to cause a scene or trauma to the kids. 

What I believe is that she thought that she could move out with the kids, I pay child support, spousal support etc and that I would not accept it and not react. Like I mentioned she is impulsive, shoot first aim later. She had even told me that she knew so many of her friends that were miserable with their spouses and they could not believe that she did it with no money. I guess she thought that is a feather in her cap.

I am allowed to see the kids, but it's such a monumental pain in the ass to facilitate anything with her and she uses to kids as a bargaining chip to put me in my place. 

If she leaves for another Province, I'm going to from what, seeing the kids every couple of weeks to a couple of weeks out of the year and have to deal with her and her self-centered and aggressive behavior? The visitation at the moment is that she wants every couple of weekends when she works, I see them for a couple of hours after school in between that and that she'll see how it goes from there. From my understanding we are still married and I have the exact same rights as her. We were renting and sbe moved into a subsidized townhome and I took a 1 bedroom apt due to the high cost of child support in Alberta. 

I'm on my mobile so it's not easy to quote but @badmemory I took your advice and e-mailed her family explaining her A.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Mutt said:


> I am allowed to see the kids, but it's such a monumental pain in the ass to facilitate anything with her and she uses to kids as a bargaining chip to put me in my place.


You are "allowed"? WTF!
Document everything.
It's a good thing she only comunicates by emils nad text, they can be saved. And used.
Move on, f0ck her! Fight for your kids.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Where does she get the money? Who pays for her?


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## Mutt (May 6, 2013)

The only money that I give her is money for the kids and that's it. She gets some child support (not much) from a previous ex for the step daughter. I know she has a part time job and she also does babysitting for a few hours a week out of her home. She got into a minor fender bender (approx $800) and tried to come after me to pay and I refused. She had found a place that gives her subsized rent (378) a month although she has to bid out of however many townhomes places they are allowed to subsidize in November and if she doesn't get it then it goes to $1200 a month. That's all that know. She won't speak on the phone and won't talk to me about anything in person when I go and pick up the kids. I sent her a text and telling her I'm filing and I will have her pay for it and she simply said "OK".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Mutt why are you letting her walk all over you?

First , I think you'll find Jeff has been in the picture for quite a while, a long while before she left.

Get busy and start notifying friends and family about her affair.

You say she was a stay at home mom. Where is she getting money to move out etc? I'm betting she and Jeff planned this for a while and she's been stashing money.

Cut her off totally. Also move your kids back home, get a bulldog lawyer to help you with that.

Pull her cell records, find Jeff's number in them an see how far back she's been talking to him.

1. Cut her off from credit and from cash and especially your paycheck today.

2. Get a lawyer and move your kids home.

3. Exposé her cheating.


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## Mutt (May 6, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If she's married to you and you have income she won't qualify for subsidized rent. Find out what agency is subsidizing her and have your lawyer call and alert them to her fraud!


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## Mutt (May 6, 2013)

I did notify her family today with a long e-mail and I saved it and sent it to all of her family as a template. I was contemplating if I should send e-mails to her friends but I will tonight.I changed my account when she moved out so there would be no access to money from my pay cheque. She didn't have credit to get a cellphone so her mother took over ownnership. I still owed money before it was taken over and it was going to go to collections. I called the phone company today, settled the bill but also told them that I want paper records sent for all of my bills for her cellphone. I told the agent I'm getting a divorce and I need it for my lawyer. I'm getting it sent for February all the way back to August. I'll go through the numbers and call the ones that I don't know until I find him. If I find his number in August I'm going to go further back. I agree I will fight for my kids and see if I can get them back home with me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mutt (May 6, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> If she's married to you and you have income she won't qualify for subsidized rent. Find out what agency is subsidizing her and have your lawyer call and alert them to her fraud!


Wow. I never would have thought of that! Yes legally she is still married to me. Thanks for the advice!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

I wonder if it is worth it to have your kids DNA tested for paternity given her history?


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## Mutt (May 6, 2013)

aug said:


> I wonder if it is worth it to have your kids DNA tested for paternity given her history?


No. All of my kids look like me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

aug said:


> I wonder if it is worth it to have your kids DNA tested for paternity given her history?


Mutt you are going through a lot right now however, I would DNA them at a later date but do what Shaggy suggested now!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Mutt said:


> Wow. I never would have thought of that! Yes legally she is still married to me. Thanks for the advice!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not only do you need to do this, but a number of public housing agencies might come looking for you to pay the subsidy they are paying her. 

It may take a while to catch up to you, but the government loves to collect from the "dead beat" dad with interest. I know you aren't a dead beat, but to get assistance your wife must have told a lot of lies about you.

Oh and change the locks on the house. She moved out on her own by her own choice.


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## Single Malt (May 2, 2013)

Mutt said:


> I did notify her family today with a long e-mail and I saved it and sent it to all of her family as a template. I was contemplating if I should send e-mails to her friends but I will tonight.



No, do NOT send emails to the friends. You will not come out looking good not matter how much truth you speak.

Notifying the family, that was fine. They need to know what is going on. The friends will not want to be put in the middle unless they have already stated their opinion one way or another.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You need to get your act together where your kids are concerned. They need you to fight for them. They can't fight for themselves.

Start getting organized, as of yesterday. Get determined. Don't sit around thinking about 'what ifs.' Get your rights and responsibilities regarding your children clarified and then act. Start moving now.


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## mrtickle (Jan 29, 2013)

Jeez what is it about some of these WAWs. Horrific story after horrific story on here.

Sorry that you are here. It sounds like Jeff has been involved for a while, probably at least last Aug/Sep time. I'm running a similar timeline to you which is scary. You have kids though, and that always seems to make everything that much more messy, but I think legal advice is the way to go and as someone said, keeping comms via email may actually be an advantage in this situation.

Funnily enough, heard a friend of a friend got married earlier today so sent my congratulations, although in reality congratulating someone on marriage feels akin to sending a get well soon card to someone suffering from a terminal, flesh-eating virus. Thats just my current pessimism coming to the fore though


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## Mutt (May 6, 2013)

Single Malt said:


> *No, do NOT send emails to the friends. You will not come out looking good not matter how much truth you speak.*


It's too late I already did. Most of them were her friends anyways and some where mutual friends through the marrigage. What's done is done and *honestly I could care less what her friends think or our mutual friends from our marriage.* I have not talked to any of them since she left and no loss for me. I said my piece to the family and to her friends and that's it.



alte Dame said:


> You need to get your act together where your kids are concerned. They need you to fight for them. They can't fight for themselves.


I had a lawyer through a work program. I'm calling him back today. Money is a setback. Single family income and I gave everything I had to my family. I'll find a way but it's going to move forward with laywer. *Today*



mrtickle said:


> *Jeez what is it about some of these WAWs. Horrific story after horrific story on here.*


*This.*

I agree with @Chris Taylor and @carolinadreams in the first couple of posts. 

We kept separating over the last 3 years around the same time, Jan to Feb and it would things would always start to get really bad around the month of Nov where my wife would continually get increasingly agitated until I had no choice but to leave and then come back for a month. In regards to OM, she had said that she had met him with a group of guys (6). I don't remember a situation like this but Jeff or OM is friends with our neighbors and I think she met him at the neighbors birthday party. During the last seperation I was working hard at MC but obviously she had here attention on other things.

The bottom line is this. The kids are above I and my STBXW and *I will fight for them.*


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Do you know anything about her lover---he could be a criminal, a druggie, drug dealer---have shady friends, could be a crazy, could be a sex offender---and YOUR KIDS, are sleeping in the same house with him---I don't know Canadian law---but I would think you can challenge him being there with your kids--- get a R O---Your not there to protect them---challenge his right to be around your kids---and do it now

Also if your wife takes your kids to another province w/out a full court ordered custody agreement---I would think that is kidnapping

Also as to atty's get the best you can find--not some guy who works in an agency, or clinic----what you are gonna deal with and decide is for life---and you need a good atty---and you better believe there are all kinds of atty's----some good---lots not so good

TAKE EVERY BIT OF WHAT IS GOING ON WITH DEADLY SERIOUSNESS---it is about your future, and the future of your kids


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## Mutt (May 6, 2013)

jnj express said:


> Do you know anything about her lover---he could be a criminal, a druggie, drug dealer---have shady friends, could be a crazy, could be a sex offender---and YOUR KIDS, are sleeping in the same house with him---I don't know Canadian law---but I would think you can challenge him being there with your kids--- get a R O---Your not there to protect them---challenge his right to be around your kids---and do it now
> 
> Also if your wife takes your kids to another province w/out a full court ordered custody agreement---I would think that is kidnapping
> 
> ...


I did confront her and said that I have no idea whom this man is and if he was a sex offender or not and she laughed it off. 

I can't stand that my kids talk about OM when I have them but my daughter did say that "mom" was recounting how she had met Jeff. Wth is that? telling the kids on how you met the love of your life?

Anyways STBXW met OM through our neighbor and I went through her Facebook account and found him. I wanted to at least get a last name so if I have to give to the cops for whatever reason I can and also I was curious as well. He's a pothead. 

Let me make this clear. I do not put my kids in the middle of this and I don't talk to them about adult things. I will let them talk for a little while then I will say "OK, it's enough talking about Jeff, let's talk about something else." or "That's adult talk and we don't need to talk about that."

I've dealt with lawyers before and I agree with you. You get what you pay for. Here it's called legal-aid and I don't qualify and even if I did, I would *never* go through them. I can't get help with the bank so I'm reaching out to family for help atm. I'm turning over every rock so I can at least get a retainer for my lawyer.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Op some things to consider
Get tested for stds pothead has likely been around longer than you know. Protect your health. 
Protect your future cut her access to your money and credit or you will be buying stuff for pothead. 
Consider paternity tests for the kids google it. They are cheap and private. You can do one from your own home without your wife. She doesn't need to know that you checked. They are cheap easy and painless. 
Fast track as much as you can during the D so you can focus on rebuilding your life and providing as best you can for the kids assuming they are yours. 

Good luck wd
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mrtickle (Jan 29, 2013)

Jeff is such a cliched name for a stoner it seems...
Jeff, Who Lives at Home - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


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## Mutt (May 6, 2013)

mrtickle said:


> Jeff is such a cliched name for a stoner it seems...
> Jeff, Who Lives at Home - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


Lol.

I can't wrap my head around this guy. Mid-forties. Never had kids. Pot smoker. 

He's chasing a woman with 4 kids by 2 different dads and now potentially a 5th child if he knocks her up and the kids will be from 3 different dads.

Whatever. She doesn't want me so best of luck to the both of them. He's in for a ride with her temper, criticism, stubbornness, pride and refusal to take ownership in anything. In 8 years I lost almost everything single fight with her. *Wait* until the honeymoon is over and they have their first fight, the cycle she had with me will repeat all over again.


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## mrtickle (Jan 29, 2013)

Mutt said:


> Lol.
> 
> I can't wrap my head around this guy. Mid-forties. Never had kids. Pot smoker.
> 
> ...


I think thats the thing though. The fog has little to do with reality.

You see her as a critical, stubborn, highly strung person. She won't be projecting that with him right now. He will see her as an easy going, relaxed and low-maintenance woman, and equally you see him as a pot smoking loser, but she see's him as well....everything you are not. Hey, no need for him to win or lose fights because they NEVER fight. What a refreshing change that makes.

She's also probably enjoying the pot smoking too, as its helping her re-connect with her true self (and probably resulting in her having some awesome sex).

There is no reality to any of it of course.

The fog will lift when she spends half the weekend scraping the skid-marks off his underwear, has a huge row with him and realises what an idiot this bloke is.

But when that point comes is anyones guess.


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## Single Malt (May 2, 2013)

Mutt. So am I understanding correctly that she is not letting you see your kids?


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Mutt said:


> He's a little older than me, I'm 39 and he's mid forties. My wife is 31. He has never had children...
> 
> ...what does a man that has never had a family want with a woman with 4 kids?


He wants about a 15 years younger woman to have sex with ! 

He doesn't give a damn about those kids or anything else.


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## Mutt (May 6, 2013)

Single Malt said:


> Mutt. So am I understanding correctly that she is not letting you see your kids?


She does let me see my kids but what I want is an agreement on paper and done with lawyers for joint or shared custody and visitations done. Like whom gets the kids on holidays, I get them on odd years and she gets them on even years, or how long I get them for summer holidays and how long she gets them, etc... the details hashed out without having to hear from her, *I'm sure we agreed on this* when we have not and it turns into an argument that I lost when it started. She is the type of person that it has to be her way, or no way. I know her. 

She said:


> I work every second weekend and you get them and we'll see how it goes from there, I'm a reasonable person. *That's the way it's going to be.*


But every single weekend I get them it's a major pain in the @ss with dealing with her. It's always something. I want legal docs to minimize that garbage and I want everything figured out when it comes to the kids. Financial stuff I can deal with the banks for my half and tell them I'm done with the rest, and she can pay for the other half. It's a divorce and I'm sure that they have dealt with that before and I don't need her to facilitate my half.

Think of it this way. Pick up times, changes in pick up times, her wanting me to get them or bring them back for something then take them again is all done through *e-mail.* She only responds to what she responds to and if I ask her something she ignores it. 

She is a b#tch. I was with her for 8 years and saw her constantly fight her ex over her daughter, my step-daughter. You would think that in 14 years since they had that child that she would of cooled off. I want to sort this out now so I don't regret this for the rest of my life. She was hell on him and still is to this day.


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## Single Malt (May 2, 2013)

Mutt said:


> She does but what I want is an agreement on paper and done with lawyers for joint or shared custody and visitations done. Like whom gets the kids on holidays, I get them on odd years and she gets them on even years.


If she does deny you access to your children, then tell your attorney that. She could get in a sh**load of trouble. If you wanted you could get full custody if she isn't letting you see your kids because that is not in the best interest of the children and she could be deemed unfit on that alone.

Now I realize you may not want to do that, just saying, let your attorney know so he/she knows EVERYTHING. You will have more negotiating power if she is denying you your kids.


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## Mutt (May 6, 2013)

I want it sorted out legally and not have to be subjected to what she thinks is fit. 

This guy lives out of town and but not very far. Her family lives about 6 1/2 hours from here. For 2 years she tried to convince me that she wanted to go back home where her parents and friends friends and I did not want to go because there are not many jobs there and I wanted to stay here, where my job is. 

Her rent may go up in November (there are only so many places in the complex that get's subsidized, out of 40 maybe ten and they have to go and re-apply for it, it's private not government and the company gets a tax break I'm assuming) or it may be financially difficult for her her, but she will want to go back *home* where her mom and dad and family are. The parents are divorced as well. The dad left a marriage of 24 years for his wife's best friend btw. Go figure, the apple does not fall far from the tree. It will happen either in a few months but at the latest by next year. I want this figured out now before she takes off.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Mutt said:


> ive, agressive and as stubborn as her. I'm not kidding if I had tried to get in her way she would of forcefully taken the kids out. I did not want to cause a scene or trauma to the kids.
> 
> 
> 
> I am allowed to see the kids, but it's such a monumental pain in the ass to facilitate anything with her and she uses to kids as a bargaining chip to put me in my place.


This is the trauma you are trying to avoid. Don't play nice, get an attorney and get your visitation rights set in stone. I will not pretend to understand Canadian law, but I have watched fathers play the good guy, only to have their kids turned against them by manipulative spouses and in-laws.


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## The bishop (Aug 19, 2012)

LAWYER NOW!! Don't give her a thing and definetly check up on the rules about subsidizing if married.


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## Mutt (May 6, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> *This is the trauma you are trying to avoid. Don't play nice, get an attorney and get your visitation rights set in stone.* I will not pretend to understand Canadian law, but I have watched fathers play the good guy, only to have their kids turned against them by manipulative spouses and in-laws.


 Is it too much to ask to get the details set now? Have it set in stone? _That's all that I want._ Everything else is just debt between us. She has something else coming if she thinks she is going to get spousal support, or my pension etc... Yes she is entitled to happiness and if she doesn't like to be married to me, fine. But be mature, don't have an affair or look for an exit relationship. Leave me then date. But don't have an affair and lie to me and saying she needed friendship with someone and then you introduce this man that may or may not be in my kids lives for a long time. Don't change the history of our marriage by saying that the entire marriage from start to finish was bad or blame me to make it right in her mind or that it was OK that she had an affair. It's a marriage, get out if you don't like it but don't bring this destructiveness on the kids. She kept going back and saying:



> But I told you in Oct I was leaving you.


 and after she had moved out and I had one talk with her she simply said


> _Sorry._


 and didn't mean it. She let the cat out of the bag after she left, now she's in her own home and she knows she got away with it. Plus she put herself in front of the kids and tells the kids that mom and dad are ex-wife and ex-husband already to lie to them to make it OK because dad is not around anymore but this new guy (_two and a half weeks after moving out after she left_)and he sleeps over there already! Twelve months too soon if you ask me. I can't control what she does but I can detest the fact that she is not factoring the kids emotional state. They don't understand what happened but only that *something* serious happened.

This is the worst pain that I have ever felt in my life and I would not wish it on my worst enemy, but that's beside the point. _It's the kids that are important to me and figuring out a workable agreement._ A lawyer will deal with it, take away this stress that she causes and give her the push that she needs.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Mutt said:


> Is it too much to ask to get the details set now? Have it set in stone? _That's all that I want._


Yes, apparently it is, for her. Talk to your Attorney and see about Canadian law and an emergency custody hearing. That is what I am talking about. You are so angry you are posting things like this:


> if she thinks she is going to get spousal support, or my pension etc...


 This is irrelevant to your kids. Money will NEVER replace the feelings you'll have if she turns the kids against you. Yes, I know it is your side, but your wife sound very vindictive.



> Yes she is entitled to happiness and if she doesn't like to be married to me, fine. But be mature, don't have an affair or look for an exit relationship. Leave me then date. But don't have an affair and lie to me and saying she needed friendship with someone and then you introduce this man that may or may not be in my kids lives for a long time. Don't change the history of our marriage by saying that the entire marriage from start to finish was bad or blame me to make it right in her mind or that it was OK that she had an affair. It's a marriage, get out if you don't like it but don't bring this destructiveness on the kids. She kept going back and saying:.


You realize this has already occurred right? The destructiveness has already started and spilled into your children's lives. 

I am not worried about spousal support, her bringing a man around your kids or whatever. I am worried about you NOT SEEING YOUR KIDS AT ALL because they are traumatized, while you are looking at the bigger picture.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Mutt read this: Legal Info About Custody & Access to Children

Get yourself into the very next parenting after separation class that comes up. Are you in Edmonton or Calgary? The std clinic in Edmonton is in the old general hospital on Jasper ave and 111 st.

Those emails ought to come in very handy if they show her to be a ***** about access. They could win you custody.


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## Mutt (May 6, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mutt (May 6, 2013)

I'm in Edmonton SadandAngry. Thanks for the info. Will check it out and check into it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mutt said:


> She won't speak on the phone and won't talk to me about anything in person when I go and pick up the kids.


This is actually good. Only communicate with her via email and text. Use email as much as possible. This gives you a record of what was said. If she tries to withhold the children from you, you have record. If she accusses you of something, you have a record of what really went on.





Mutt said:


> I sent her a text and telling her I'm filing and I will have her pay for it and she simply said "OK".


You should not have told her that you are filing. Just see an attorney and tell the attorney what you want.. such as 50% custody and 50% time-share with your children. Have the attorney file an interim custody/time-share plan when you file for divorce. That sets the status quo and it makes it harder for her to get this changed.

Do not negotiate anything directly with her at this time. So don't talk with her about the divorce.


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