# My husband's temper



## sahm (Apr 20, 2013)

My husband and I have been married 6 years and have two young children. While he's always had a temper, he's usually kept from lashing out in public or around our family and children. However, recently it has gotten so out of hand that I am scared and my family and friends are starting to worry and talk about him.

The other night while his mother was in town visiting us, he was on the phone while me and his mom were playing with our two boys. Our 2 year old climbed up on the coffee table and then jumped off trying to land in my mil's hands but he didn't jump far enough and hit his head on the table. He cried, mostly from being scared and didn't even get a bump. My husband, however, saw what happened, slammed the phone down, screamed at all of us and then threw the coffee table across the room and into the fireplace, breaking the molding. He said he saw the accident coming and that we shouldn't have a coffee table in our living room because it wasn't safe. Not once did he comfort our child and ended up scaring our oldest son half to death and he started crying as well. He never apologized and then was pissed off at me the next day for giving him the silent treatment.

Just tonight while watching TV, he fell asleep on the couch. I decided to playfully wake him up by lightly flicking him on the forehead. Our kids were in the room and I was just playing around. He woke up and I was honestly scared he was about to come at me. He screamed at me for waking him up that way and said "how would you like it" and then flicked me in forehead so hard that it brought tears to my eyes. Meanwhile our kids just stared in horror and called him "mean daddy." Again, no apology, and now he's fallen asleep for the night while I sit here and stew.

He can be so mean and in his world he can do no wrong. He's become a different person. Most days now I struggle with even telling him that I love him. I've wanted to leave so many times but my boys really do love their daddy and I'm a stay at home mom with no money of my own. I don't know what to do anymore. When I talk to him about this stuff somehow I end up being the bad guy and get yelled at even more. He doesn't listen to me or understand. I feel so trapped.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Why did you wake him up like that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sahm (Apr 20, 2013)

He used to wake me up by sticking his finger up my nose or pinching my butt....it was just a weird thing we do, finding odd ways to wake each other up. But thanks for being so helpful...


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Um sorry he's so mean,But, don't poke the bear. He sounds abusive and you can't change that. Pack up and leave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

He's abusive. You need to do something because its effecting your children and you don't want them having an example like that. You also deserve so much better.

I suggest you leave and get some Counseling and ask him to get some Counseling too. You need to understand why you are staying in this relationship.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

SAHM, I would encourage you to take some very firm and decisive action right away. Do NOT accept this kind of behavior. When it happens, LEAVE! Instead of protecting him from your family knowing, make it something you will NOT cover for. Start setting aside some money here and there to build up a secret nest egg that will let you escape when the abuse turns physical, as it is probably going to eventually. 

Learn to recognize how you contribute, too, and find healthy ways to engage. I've written about this on Signs and Symptoms of Emotional Abuse.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

sahm said:


> He can be so mean and in his world he can do no wrong. He's become a different person.


Sahm, I agree with Kathy that you should not accept this abusive behavior. I also agree with LittleDeer that it would be wise to see a counselor -- ideally, a clinical psychologist -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you and your children are dealing with. You seem to be describing the classic traits of IED ("Intermittent Explosive Disorder," which DSM-IV-TR lists as a subset of Impulse Control Disorder). 

Men suffering from IED, however, typically exhibit serious remorse after recovering from an angry outburst. Significantly, your H does not do that. Instead, he acts like "he can do no wrong." I therefore suggest that, while you're waiting for an appointment with a psychologist, you read about the warning signs of a personality disorder. 

Although you are not capable of _diagnosing _your H, you are fully capable of spotting the red flags, i.e., learning what the behavioral symptoms are for the various PDs. Indeed, that is why hundreds of the best hospitals and mental health centers put a description of PD symptoms on their websites. They know that, by educating the lay public to these warning signs, people are far more likely to seek professional help when they need it.

Explosive outbursts are associated with several PDs (e.g., Narcissistic PD and Antisocial PD). It is most strongly associated, however, with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) because the primary hallmark of BPD is emotional instability. I therefore suggest you start reading there to see if most BPD traits sound very familiar. If your H does have strong BPD traits, you likely would be seeing most of the following behaviors:


1. Black-white thinking, wherein he categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction;
2. Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"
3. Irrational jealousy and controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members;
4. A strong sense of entitlement that prevents him from appreciating your sacrifices, resulting in a "what have you done for me lately?" attitude and a double standard;
5. Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you,;
6. Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about two days later;
7. Low self esteem;
8. Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums that typically last several hours;
9. Fear of abandonment or being alone -- evident in his expecting you to “be there” for him on demand, making unrealistic demands for the amount of time spent together, or responding with intense anger to even brief separations or slight changes in plans;
10. Always being "The Victim," a false self image he validates by blaming you for every misfortune;
11. Lack of impulse control, wherein he does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating or spending);
12. Complaining that all his previous GFs were abusive and claiming (during your courtship) that you are the only one who has treated him well;
13. Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly during the courtship period (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) that you were convinced you had met your "soul mate;"
14. Relying on you to center and ground him, giving him a sense of direction because his goals otherwise keep changing every few months;
15. Relying on you to sooth him and calm him down, when he is stressed, because he has so little ability to do self soothing;
16. Having many casual friends but not any close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away);
17. Taking on the personality of whatever person he is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people; and
18. Always convinced that his intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that he regards his own feelings as self-evident facts, despite his inability to support them with any hard evidence.


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## Sussieq (Apr 6, 2013)

sahm said:


> My husband and I have been married 6 years and have two young children. While he's always had a temper, he's usually kept from lashing out in public or around our family and children. However, recently it has gotten so out of hand that I am scared and my family and friends are starting to worry and talk about him.
> 
> The other night while his mother was in town visiting us, he was on the phone while me and his mom were playing with our two boys. Our 2 year old climbed up on the coffee table and then jumped off trying to land in my mil's hands but he didn't jump far enough and hit his head on the table. He cried, mostly from being scared and didn't even get a bump. My husband, however, saw what happened, slammed the phone down, screamed at all of us and then threw the coffee table across the room and into the fireplace, breaking the molding. He said he saw the accident coming and that we shouldn't have a coffee table in our living room because it wasn't safe. Not once did he comfort our child and ended up scaring our oldest son half to death and he started crying as well. He never apologized and then was pissed off at me the next day for giving him the silent treatment.
> 
> ...


You knew he had a temper when you married him. There's no need to say "I love you" if you are being treated poorly. I cannot help but wonder why you allowed yourself to be in a position where you cannot care for yourself and your children. So now you are dependent on an abusive man to take care of you. 

I'd immediately remove my children from this situation. I'd stay with family, go on welfare if necessary, and go to school. It's in your best interest to be able to earn a decent living.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

sahm said:


> However, recently it has gotten so out of hand that I am scared and my family and friends are starting to worry and talk about him.


If this is new behavior, then there must be a cause. Debts you don't know about? Drug use? Illness?

But whatever the cause, I think you already have your answer. You can't live where you and your children feel threatened. Suggest therapy NOW and if he refuses, get out immediately.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

If you decide to leave him, be very careful. You will need a solid plan. Call a domestic violence shelter for advice.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

keko said:


> Why did you wake him up like that?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It doesn't matter his reaction was uncalled for besides she gave another example so this is a pattern not about a one time event.


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