# new and feeling lost



## goingmad (Dec 29, 2013)

Im so glad I found this forum. A little about me and what is going on. I met my H when I was 15 and he was almost 18. That was almost 24 years ago. We have 5 children aged between 20 and 6.

He has always been controlling, not liking me seeing friends or my family. He always puts me down and calls me names, not just to me but in front of his friends and family. 

He is extremely overweight and isnt trying to lose it even though I try to help. 

I had an affair back last year and H knows about it and will not let me forget it. The love I feel for him died a long time ago. I feel trapped though as he has always said if anything did happen I would be the one that leaves without the children as im a bad mother.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

well, first obviously nobody is going to condone your affair here, but lets focus in the actual problem, if you already realized that you don't want reconcilation and you don't love your husband why don't you divorce?, about you leaving the house and the kids custody is not his call, that is a legal matter.


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## goingmad (Dec 29, 2013)

I know I will get shouted down for the affair, shouldnt have done it I realise that now. I have told him a few times how I feel and that I want him to move out but he says that as he pays the rent its his house, I dont work as he wont let me!


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

well to be honest yes you don't have the right to ask him to move out, but you can find a job to rent your own place that is your choice obviously if you don't want him in your life anymore you can't expect him to provide you all your life


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

in whose name is the lease?


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## goingmad (Dec 29, 2013)

Im the lead tenant with him as joint tenant. Every time we have an argument he says he will move out but doesn't. I dont expect him to provide for me but he wont let me work, he rarely goes into work anymore and works from home because he doesn't trust me. I know that I did wrong by having the affair but the trust issues go before that.

He has never trusted me.


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## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

In my opinion an affair is just a symptom of a marriage gone wrong and no communication. It sounds like you need to get control of your life. Get a job and get out. Therapy is great but if you can't afford it, then perhaps read some books, part of healing is taking responsibility for what you did get yourself into this situation and how you are enabling it by not changing.


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## goingmad (Dec 29, 2013)

Im trying to get a bit of control back. After 24 years of being made to feel like a child ive had enough of it. We got together far too young. I was only 15 and feel like ive missed out on soo much. 

Its not just me its my kids too that are missing out, they dont do anything. I look at other families that do it all an realise that they dont. My H wont go anywhere, shouts lots at tnem though.


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## Honorbound (Nov 19, 2013)

You do realize saying "he won't let me" is pathetic, right?

Here's a novel concept: YOU control YOU. No one else controls you and you can't control anyone else.

If you want out, get a job and find another place to stay. I understand the logistics are frightening to you. You've been taken care of you whole life.

It is time for you to find the courage to walk on your own two feet for a change. Become happy with yourself. You say you know the affair was wrong, but do you know 'why' YOU did it? Do you know 'why' YOU have allowed yourself to be in this situation? What do YOU really want?

It all begins - and ends - with YOU. I would recommend talking to an attorney that offers free consultation. Find out your rights in regards to the residence and your children. FIND A JOB. That alone will give you the independence to make your own decisions.

...and never say "he won't let me" again.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

GoingMad, yes ultimately you'll have to anger him by announcing that you've gotten a job (I'd suggest trying to line up and secure the job before telling him) and he'll have to deal with it. He can't kick you out for it, he can't force you to quit. He'll probably be angry, but it's all a part of the enormous wake-up call he needs to receive that only you can deliver. Start by saving money, separate bank accounts, get that job and make sure the kids are taken care of. (You don't want him to be able to say substantively that you're getting the job means the kids are going to suffer) Look up the "180" on here and employ it quickly. He'll eventually get the message and then have a choice to make regarding what he wants to do.


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## goingmad (Dec 29, 2013)

I have over the years got stronger in myself, I had a sort of break down a couple of years ago and since then I cant show emotion which angers him because I cant cry but I have no emotions to cry over him. My love for him went a long time ago. 

I have applied for a school job so it works round the kids, started putting a little money away. Im going in next week to talk to various people regarding housing. As im I the uk things work a little different with it all. Its just good to have somewhere to come and write it down


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

Call the YWCA and get into their group counseling. He sounds verbally, emotionally, and maybe financially abusive. YWCA can help with referrals for other help as well.


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## goingmad (Dec 29, 2013)

We had a massive argument last night when he said that I wasnt talking to him, that im trying to turn the kids against him. Again he said he would m8ve out but in the next breath was how we would be together always. He turned everything round to my fault again.

Im trying to keep the peace at the moment but next time he says he is moving out im telling him to go. 

I cannot and will not continue like this.


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