# So how would this sound to you?



## me2me2me2 (Feb 14, 2014)

I'm trying to understand why I am SO stuck. I have been married for 14 years. We have 2 kids under 8.
I have basically told myself for the past 6 years that my DH is no good and is not the man for me. 
We got married very, very young. 
But, for some reason, I just can't seem to leave.
I recently started therapy (again) but this time we are working on codependence. 
My DH went to therapy when I forced him a few years ago, but hasn't been back since. 
Here's where we are at. 
I have no physical intimacy with him. 
Our relationship is pretty much consumed with him texting me all day complaining about something.
He works (part time) from home. I work nights. 
He is always upset about something.
In my recent therapy, I have learned that my DH crosses boundaries a lot and is emotionally abusive when he's got his back up against the wall.
Life is non drama filled if I just keep my mouth shut and just co-habitate. He will be negative and toxic with his text messages
and angry talk radio and I just ignore it.
He has absolutely no plan for how we are going to survive financially. Doesn't want to see a financial planner.
We are broke. He keeps looking to me to make the money and build a side business to give us these big things like a house, pay off our bills, and cars.
We don't have anything but bills. We even lease our house. 
The pressure is pretty much on me.

He used to say things to our kids like "when mommy gets that big promotion, we will get that big house on the hill" etc. He has since curbed that language since I told him it was NOT okay. But, the other day I saw on my son's homework, he listed my DH as the parent. Didn't list me. It broke my heart and it's because I work SO much. But, leaving wouldn't change that, it would only make my financial situation worse.

Starting a few years back, I told him that we needed to go to counseling for s*x issues. 
He knew I wanted it ..but he said that he was ashamed that he couldn't last very long. 
So, he just avoided it. 
He would "try" for a few weeks and then we'd fall back to the same trap.
Now, it never happens. I don't initiate and neither does he.

And part of me doesn't want to try because I feel like I will feel close to him again and I want to avoid that. 
He's just an angry person, quite often. 
And I am often walking around without a wedding ring on (he used the money from mine to pay bills)
I want to cheat. And if I told him..he would try to whip himself back into "trying mode"...and that is just consistently an act. I've seen it too many times to believe it is for real.
I want to believe that he loves me. I think he does in his own way. But, damn if I don't just feel alone.

Not sure what to do. Part of me wishes he would just leave me. It would be easier on me...I think. 

I think the better question is WHY can't I get the motivation to leave...


----------



## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Divorce is never an easy decision. I sat on the fence for many years before I actually filed and I'm still not divorced. A friend of mine said once it's like trying to decide which arm to cut off. And that's a perfect analogy.

You sound like you know the reasons you want out. You just have to decide if it's worth it. Where do you expect to be in 5 years if you do divorce?

Best of luck.


----------



## me2me2me2 (Feb 14, 2014)

that's a good point. I was recognizing the other day that my life has remained in limbo (or worse) for YEARS. I remember that I had started an emotional affair with a guy....when the Boston marathon bombing took place. That really shook some sanity into me and I tried to get back into my marriage. But, the other day was the anniversary of the bombing...and it made me realize I am nearly in the same position. Wanting out...feeling the same way.....

I guess I just don't want to ruin anyone's lives....including our kids.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I know you said you would be in worse financial shape than you are now. But do you have any family you could stay with temporarily while you get back on your feet (if you leave)?

Your relationship with your husband sounds very unhealthy for your children. Kids are very perceptive. Sometimes staying "for the kids" is far more unhealthy than leaving. Kids learn and repeat the patterns of their reality; do you want them to grow up to have the same kind of relationship you do?

Kids need to see their parents happy, loving, expressing affection with each other. It gives them security.

Please start investigating alternative housing... maybe you can get help from Urban League or United Way, and find some subsidized housing. Reach out to every agency you can, from food stamps to Medicaid, your church, St. Vincent de Paul society, food banks, and any other assistance you can qualify for.

There is no shame in reaching out for help. You need to get away from your toxic husband.


----------



## me2me2me2 (Feb 14, 2014)

Well, I guess I just read some of the other postings here and think...wow, mine isn't THAT bad. 

I think it's easy to deny this when you are the subject of the problems. On the surface...this sounds bad to you? Friends often tell me ...you can't allow your kids to grow up in this environment. But, then I wonder...am I just overreacting? Would it REALLY be better to break up the family? 

I mean, it's even crossed my mind, that it would be better to have an affair and stay in the marriage (pretending) for our kids. But, I know that's not "right". I'm a Christian....

Here's where I get mad at myself. I have too much resentment...built up and I just can't bring myself to go home and have s*x with my husband. I don't think he would turn me down if I really, really tried.

But the last time I asked (for the hundredth time) why he doesn't TRY to initiate with me...he said it was because he didn't want to "bother me"..


----------



## Counterfit (Feb 2, 2014)

me2me2me2 said:


> Well, I guess I just read some of the other postings here and think...wow, mine isn't THAT bad.
> 
> I think it's easy to deny this when you are the subject of the problems. On the surface...this sounds bad to you? Friends often tell me ...you can't allow your kids to grow up in this environment. But, then I wonder...am I just overreacting? Would it REALLY be better to break up the family?
> 
> ...


Answer - He is no longer sexually attracted to you.

Reasons:
1. You married very young per your orignal posting. Males are hard-wired to desire variety and he is sexually bored with you.
2. You are far less sexually attractive to males after having had two children and having aged a number of years. This is not your fault, this is part of life, but it is contrubiing to his lack of sexual interest in you.
3. He views you as a "mother figure" rather than a hot woman he is trilled to have sex with.
4. He feels trapped by you in his current life. He knows he made a big mistake by getting married so young and he resents you for it. This is not fair or rational, and on some level he is aware of that, but this does not dimmish his resentment of you. His feeling of resentment and bitterness towards you contributes towards his lack of sexual interest in you. 
5. He may be obtaining sexual satiafiaction and relief outside of the marriage.

The solution: There is none.

There is a reason why young adults are told over and over and over again that getting married very young is a huge mistake. Now you know why.


----------



## me2me2me2 (Feb 14, 2014)

Well, now that he knows I'm back in therapy ...he will come over and rub my back or my foot while I'm watching TV. 

He seems to be softening some. He had some abuse issues in his early 20s...he says he was raped by a man. So I think there's a lot going on there...

He says that he just doesn't want to bother me. That "I" seem like I would be bothered ... and that is true now... But it never used to be.

He says he would love to have it twice a day. So why isn't he fighting for it? Or even asking?


----------



## me2me2me2 (Feb 14, 2014)

Counterfit,

I've been thinking about what you wrote. I guess it was the first time someone ever told me that could be why he's acting this way. 

I'm in great shape. I've had plastic surgery. I take care of myself. And when I have asked him he has said that he thinks I'm so hot. That he simply just doesn't want to be a burden to me. 

He feels that I brush him off. And I think that I may exude that feeling lately. After his reliance on porn... Things just got cold for me. 

But do you think that changes things at all? 




Counterfit said:


> Answer - He is no longer sexually attracted to you.
> 
> Reasons:
> 1. You married very young per your orignal posting. Males are hard-wired to desire variety and he is sexually bored with you.
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

Two months ago you posted that you had 1 child and never got around to having another due to not being sure you wanted to stay in the marriage. Did you have a baby in the last 2 months? Where did the second kid come from?


----------



## me2me2me2 (Feb 14, 2014)

No. I was just keeping it vague for the sake of privacy. That's true. We only have one. 
Sorry if that confused anyone. 



Abc123wife said:


> Two months ago you posted that you had 1 child and never got around to having another due to not being sure you wanted to stay in the marriage. Did you have a baby in the last 2 months? Where did the second kid come from?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

You have a husband who has, for what ever reason, relinquished his role and protector and provider to his wife. He also doesn't want to be intimate with her.

Well, maybe that is why he says he feels he is a burden to you, he knows he is not fulfilling his obligation. In addition to that, you have a son who is watching his male role model. I guess he will grow up to expect a sugar mama to take care of him too.

Your husband has issues. But unless he is willing to get help for them, he will not ever change.

True, you may not be any better off financially, for now. But with raises, and thrifty living, you may be better off in a couple of years. If you stay, you know exactly where you will be in a couple of years.

Misery loves company. You are miserable and used to the environment. If you want to be happy, you have to change the environment.

You can always try a trial separation. This would give you time to get your feet wet and see if it is what you really want. It would also drive home to your husband how serious you are about him getting counseling. If he wants to get his family back, he will need to get help for at least 6 months before you will consider going back.


----------



## me2me2me2 (Feb 14, 2014)

Well here's what I struggle with. I really want to cheat on my DH. I can't stop thinking about other guys who I meet. 

I wonder if I should tell this to my DH or would that be too hurtful? I do not want to hurt him. But, I do want him to understand the depth of our issues.

I feel so compartmentalized regarding that. Like I could cheat and feel no remorse. I don't see my DH as someone who would even care... I don't consciously think that is true. But for some reason I think that... 

Maybe this is all me. I'm screwed up? 




JustHer said:


> You have a husband who has, for what ever reason, relinquished his role and protector and provider to his wife. He also doesn't want to be intimate with her.
> 
> Well, maybe that is why he says he feels he is a burden to you, he knows he is not fulfilling his obligation. In addition to that, you have a son who is watching his male role model. I guess he will grow up to expect a sugar mama to take care of him too.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

me2me2me2 said:


> Well here's what I struggle with. I really want to cheat on my DH. I can't stop thinking about other guys who I meet.
> 
> I wonder if I should tell this to my DH or would that be too hurtful? I do not want to hurt him. But, I do want him to understand the depth of our issues.
> 
> ...


You cannot have it both ways. You cannot get someone to change, even if you threaten them with cheating. You either have to live with what you have, or change your living environment.

Cheating is never a solution. You don't fix bad behavior with more bad behavior. If you don't like the way your husband treats you - leave him.


----------



## me2me2me2 (Feb 14, 2014)

I think cheating is probably more of a denial than anything else. At least I see that .. In my situation. 

Also, we only have one child. He's 8. I have wanted another. Several times I've mentioned it. He say yeah.., maybe. Not sure. We will see. 

Then he wanted to adopt. Said that was what he wanted (even though we have no known problems). 

So I'm 38 now and wonder what to do. Do I want another? 






JustHer said:


> You cannot have it both ways. You cannot get someone to change, even if you threaten them with cheating. You either have to live with what you have, or change your living environment.
> 
> Cheating is never a solution. You don't fix bad behavior with more bad behavior. If you don't like the way your husband treats you - leave him.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

I don't know if you want another child or not. But having another child will not make your situation better, in fact it will make it worse. You will have 2 children, no money, working two jobs and a husband that doesn't work or treat you well.


----------



## me2me2me2 (Feb 14, 2014)

No I know that. I just meant do I leave so I could meet someone who could happily give me another? 

That's tough. 

But isn't it odd that he wanted to adopt instead of have one of our own? 




JustHer said:


> I don't know if you want another child or not. But having another child will not make your situation better, in fact it will make it worse. You will have 2 children, no money, working two jobs and a husband that doesn't work or treat you well.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Abc123wife said:


> Two months ago you posted that you had 1 child and never got around to having another due to not being sure you wanted to stay in the marriage. *Did you have a baby in the last 2 months? Where did the second kid come from?*


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

me2me2me2 said:


> Well here's what I struggle with. I really want to cheat on my DH. I can't stop thinking about other guys who I meet.


----------



## me2me2me2 (Feb 14, 2014)

No. I was just keeping it vague for the sake of privacy. That's true. We only have one. 
Sorry if that confused anyone. 

Originally Posted by Abc123wife:
Two months ago you posted that you had 1 child and never got around to having another due to not being sure you wanted to stay in the marriage. Did you have a baby in the last 2 months? Where did the second kid come from?




happy as a clam said:


>


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

me2me2me2 said:


> No I know that. I just meant do I leave so I could meet someone who could happily give me another?
> 
> That's tough.
> 
> ...


Again, you have to decide your own life. Keep in mind, none of us have, had, the life we would have liked. We are all faced with adversity, trials and choices that change what we would "like". What we do have is a life with choices. Even if you were to have an accident that left you paralyzed, you have the choice of how you are going to face that challenge. 

You are in a situation that is, just like being paralyzed, how are you going to handle it. Are you going to sit back and cry and complain about how unfair life is, or are you going to be proactive and be your best self?

Being your best self can happen weather you stay or leave. You can face the fact that you cannot change your husband and you will probably not have any more children, find happiness in the life that you do have. Focus on the positive, you have a great child (which is one more than many women get), you have a job, and what you would need to do to try to repair your marriage - if it can be - or find happiness with what it is. Or you can move out of the marriage and still focus on the positive. You will still have your son and job and the opportunity to find a man whom you can respect and who shows love to you.

As for him wanting to adopt. I think he is just blowing wind. He knows that you would rather have your own and that the process to adopt is very long and expensive and would end up never happening.


----------

