# Spouse with ADD



## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

Ok everyone. I posted this in the forum for mental health and didn't get a lot of feedback so I thought I would post it here.
Anyone have ADD or a spouse with ADD? I try to be really patient with my husband but sometimes he drives me nuts. I really want to know more about how to work with him. It's really the chore thing that bothers me more than anything. I know that sometimes he just doesn't notice messes and has a hard time with stick-to-it-tiveness. What information can you give me about living with an ADD spouse. He is a really good person and a great Dad.

I don't want a lot of mental illness bashing. I know it is difficult to live with someone with mental illness but I really am trying to understand this illness so I can work with my husband. I know he is responsible for his treatment but I know there are things I can do too. Thanks.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Has he been diagnosed w/ ADD? 

I'd bet there are online forums for spouses of ADDers.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

SunnyT said:


> Has he been diagnosed w/ ADD?
> 
> I'd bet there are online forums for spouses of ADDers.


Yes. And he takes medication for it. I kind of started a post on NAMI but people don't respond a lot. There is a yahoo site also that I am going to sign up for. I just thought I would see if anyone here has some information.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I'm thinking that whatever coping strategies you could use, would depend on his issues, his attitudes, and your own outlook. Ya know? 

Vague, I know. 

But some ADD people need a strict schedule, and they count on their partner to respect the schedule. Others need freedom, to just BE. Some just will let you down when it comes to responsibilities, and others are kind of OCD about responsibility. Some are rigid, some are slugs. There is such a wide spectrum of personalities. Some people use their ADD to their advantage.... like able to focus intensely on something. Some are scatterbrained. Figure out his strengths and weaknesses, and how this affects you, and how YOU fit in this picture.

Seems like it would be a good discussion to have with him. And then think about what he says he needs, and how that applies to you. Not like you have to bend over backwards.... but so you can figure out how YOU want to handle your end.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Both my kids have adhd. I wonder sometimes if I do, too.

A few suggestions:

If clutter is an issue, get rid of what you don't need and a designated spot for everything you want to keep. What is out should be minimal. This is to avoid distractions.

Agree to set times to do housework and see if it works better to work with him so you can keep him on track. When I clean, I used to go from room to room putting things away. I was all over the place. Now if anything doesn't belong I'm that room, I put it in a staging area outside the door or on the steps. After the room is clean, I put away all the things in the staging area.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

Thank you both. Excellent information. SunnyT, he definitely likes more freedom and he has a hard time sticking to lists. He gets kind of rebellious sometimes so if there is a bedtime he has to meet he will not go to bed. He does not require lots of stuff though and I bring a lot of stuff into the house. It overwhelms him. I know I need to listen to him more on his coping strategies. He likes to have things labeled so that he knows where things are and if I organize something it confuses him. I have organized things out of frustration because he has a hard time sticking with doing things. Plus he has a hard time with organization. But I like your idea of keeping things simple surprisemyself. I will have to really work on simplifying myself. You know, I think I have gotten angry with him for not contributing but I'm probably overwhelming him. Course the problem is if something comes into the house it has to stay here. He doesn't like to give things up. That's probably something different though.


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## MrsDraper (May 27, 2013)

Pooh Bear said:


> Ok everyone. I posted this in the forum for mental health and didn't get a lot of feedback so I thought I would post it here.
> Anyone have ADD or a spouse with ADD? I try to be really patient with my husband but sometimes he drives me nuts. I really want to know more about how to work with him. It's really the chore thing that bothers me more than anything. I know that sometimes he just doesn't notice messes and has a hard time with stick-to-it-tiveness. What information can you give me about living with an ADD spouse. He is a really good person and a great Dad.
> 
> I don't want a lot of mental illness bashing. I know it is difficult to live with someone with mental illness but I really am trying to understand this illness so I can work with my husband. I know he is responsible for his treatment but I know there are things I can do too. Thanks.


I have ADHD. I take medication for it. 

I was diagnosed as a child but my parents didn't believe in treating me for it. I didn't start receiving treatment until adulthood - my IC diagnosed me. 

Treatment has been very helpful for me as I am in a doctoral program full time as well as working full time.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

MrsDraper said:


> I have ADHD. I take medication for it.
> 
> I was diagnosed as a child but my parents didn't believe in treating me for it. I didn't start receiving treatment until adulthood - my IC diagnosed me.
> 
> Treatment has been very helpful for me as I am in a doctoral program full time as well as working full time.


Where did you find treatment? Did you do CBT? I have OCD and received the wrong treatment for years and so am very cautious with mental health professionals now. Many of them can do things like help with relationship issues, minor anxiety and depression and other things but I think for specific mental illnesses you need a specialist. Where did you look for help?


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

He went to a therapist for a while and then she released him but she didn't really seem to help with the ADD. I was frustrated when she released him. I know I need to learn to work with him also. It may help if we could find a specialist and then I could get some tips from him or her.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I'm dealing with this now, but he was only recently diagnosed. We're in crisis due to many things, but one of them was him getting this dx and how it has completely thrown him for a loop and made him question every single impulsive decision he's made in his life. (It's a very long story). His ADHD manifests on a much more "macro" scale. Impulsive big and life altering decisions, but he's extremely meticulous and organized, so he was very difficult to diagnose. The way it is affecting us now it his complete inability to focus on our issues as a couple, or me as a person, because all he can deal with is "fixing himself" right now. That includes medication and IC. To say this has been devastating for me also is an understatement. I'm completely ignored and it's very lonely.

A couple of weeks ago we met with our MC (who is also his IC) and listened to a portion of a recorded seminar. A live version of the entire course starts tomorrow night, but it starts way too late in the evening for us since we go to bed early. The segment we listened to and discussed with her was very interesting and helpful. (I also have the book this woman wrote and it's helpful). Here's the link: http://www.adhdmarriage.com/event/phone-seminar-melissa-orlov

Finally, I hope cdbaker chimes in. He is the ADHD spouse in his relationship and while my interaction with him has been limited, he does a really great job of explaining things from the other side.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Also ADDitude is a great Facebook page to like and follow.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

I'm sorry you guys are struggling now secondtimearound. Do you think it will get better as he accepts the diagnosis and learns how to manage it? My husband was diagnosed when we were dating but it wasn't upsetting for him. I actually have the book that that couple wrote. I think it is better to see a therapist though.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Also ADDitude is a great Facebook page to like and follow.


Yes.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Pooh Bear said:


> I'm sorry you guys are struggling now secondtimearound. Do you think it will get better as he accepts the diagnosis and learns how to manage it? My husband was diagnosed when we were dating but it wasn't upsetting for him. I actually have the book that that couple wrote. I think it is better to see a therapist though.


I certainly hope so. He's so overwhelmed right now with a bunch of new issues that have come up in MC, and I think his ADHD makes it nearly impossible to process it all. I think he's also depressed. And he hates himself very much. 

I think finding a therapist who specializes in ADHD in relationships would be very helpful for you.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Hello, Pooh Bear

I am an ADD spouse. I'll second Melissa Orlov's site and book, ADHD and Marriage and Attention Deficit Disorder Association. You can find lots of resources there and links to counselors in your area. My DW and I have had good results with the book and the online seminars. 

BTW, You make a mistake describing ADD as mental illness. They are different from you, not ill. Would you call left handed people ill? They are hunters in your farmer's world. Many of the most significant people in history were ADD. You really need to rethink how you pigeon-holed your partner and what effects that has on your relationship.

Best


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I certainly hope so. He's so overwhelmed right now with a bunch of new issues that have come up in MC, and I think his ADHD makes it nearly impossible to process it all. I think he's also depressed. And he hates himself very much.
> 
> I think finding a therapist who specializes in ADHD in relationships would be very helpful for you.


Oh that's so sad. He hates himself because of the adhd?


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

anchorwatch said:


> Hello, Pooh Bear
> 
> I am an ADD spouse. I'll second Melissa Orlov's site and book, ADHD and Marriage and Attention Deficit Disorder Association. You can find lots of resources there and links to counselors in your area. My DW and I have had good results with the book and the online seminars.
> 
> ...


Oh good. I will look for counselors there. Thank you.

And I don't have a problem with the term mental illness. I have one myself. I think that not using the term illness is probably because people are uncomfortable with mental illness in general. There is nothing wrong with having a mental illness. We need to become comfortable with the fact that people can have different forms of illnesses and some of them are in the mind. I don't really want to discuss stigma and mental illness though. I just want to talk about how I can support my spouse. So we will have to agree to disagree on that.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Pooh Bear said:


> Oh that's so sad. He hates himself because of the adhd?


No, no, no . Sorry. Because of a lot of past mistakes he has made. We have a long, convoluted story and have both made mistakes. If you click on my profile you can read my first post and learn more about what I mean.....not gonna hijack your thread by talking about that .


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

I believe we all go through some degrees of mental illness over our lifetimes. So like you I have no problem using those words. 

Here is some other reading you and your spouse may find insightful...

Attention Deficit Disorder: A Different Perception

The Edison Gene: ADHD and the Gift of the Hunter Child

ADD Forums - Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Support and Information Resources Community 

Is he conscious of his diet?


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> No, no, no . Sorry. Because of a lot of past mistakes he has made. We have a long, convoluted story and have both made mistakes. If you click on my profile you can read my first post and learn more about what I mean.....not gonna hijack your thread by talking about that .


Ok. I'm sorry you guys are struggling. I will check out your thread.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

anchorwatch said:


> I believe we all go through some degrees of mental illness over our lifetimes. So like you I have no problem using those words.
> 
> Here is some other reading you and your spouse may find insightful...
> 
> ...


Thanks, anchorwatch.

He is but it is a struggle for both of us to eat healthy. He has a hard time sticking with an exercise regiman. It's really hard for him to stick with things and I don't want to continually have to remind him of things. It makes me feel like a mother. How do you guys work together? What have you found works best?


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Is he on medication and engaged in regular, hopefully weekly, therapy?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

ADD or not, it's not your job to remind him of things. He's an adult, that's his job. You are not his mom, you are his partner. If you play mom, you will both grow to resent each other for that. Once is a reminder, twice is mother. The best advice I can give is that you stop it asap. 

A good coach/counselor can be invaluable. They weren't available when I was young. Keep looking for one until you find the right one for you situation. 

Regular exercise and a low carb diet paleo/primal will give him a big bang for his buck. I suggest a gym and trainer to keep on a regimen. As for the diet, you share a life and kitchen, you'll have to get serious too for it to work. Daily supplements of fish oil has produced good effects on cognitive functions too. 

Again, he's an adult. He has to take responsibility for himself. If he does he will reap the rewards for his work, and in turn so will you. 

Lean upon each others strengths, and don't sweat the small stuff. It's not easy being the non-ADD spouse, but it brings rewards you don't always find elsewhere.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

*ADD or not, it's not your job to remind him of things. He's an adult, that's his job. You are not his mom, you are his partner. If you play mom, you will both grow to resent each other for that. Once is a reminder, twice is mother. The best advice I can give is that you stop it asap.* 

I don’t do that. I’m pretty strict about not doing that because I am not interested being his mother. But it’s frustrating if he doesn’t follow through on something. And I know I am not responsible for his treatment. He has to do it himself. I just want to understand why he does what he does and figure out how I can work with him on things so that I do not spend time frustrated.

*Lean upon each others strengths, and don't sweat the small stuff. It's not easy being the non-ADD spouse, but it brings rewards you don't always find elsewhere.*

Thanks.

*Is he on medication and engaged in regular, hopefully weekly, therapy?*

Yes, he takes medication. Like I said he saw a therapist for a while who released him. I don’t really think she knew how to treat ADD. There just are not a lot of resources. There seems to be one guy who treats ADD in the area. And it’s hard because my husband has a full time 9-5 job and it is really hard to get away during the day. 

There is an ADD place at one of the local colleges here but their treatment program is pretty expensive. It is really a waste of time and money to see a therapist who does not know what he or she is doing. I know. I was seeing therapists and psychiatrists for years who didn’t tell me that the best way to treat OCD was with Exposure Response Prevention therapy. Oh well. We will figure it out. Thanks.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Pooh Bear said:


> He is but it is a struggle for both of us to eat healthy. He has a hard time sticking with an exercise regiman. It's really hard for him to stick with things and I don't want to continually have to remind him of things.


That's a pity as exercise is one of the best natural antidotes to ADD. I believe Michael Phelps originally took up swim training to avoid going on meds for ADD. Exercise boosts production of the same brain chemicals that the ADD meds do.

You said you are OCD and he is ADD which is a tough combination. For you each detail is significant and for him the complete opposite. 

Doing tasks as a habit will help. Once you have developed them as a habit then you don't need to think about doing them. 

I can understand the chores and stuff around the house. He may see a room is a mess and it needs tidying but before he can start tidying he'll have remembered a load of other things that he needs to do and mentally moved on from the room. You keep going on like that and actually achieving nothing.

Bringing more 'stuff' into the house is going to keep making it worse and worse. No more stuff until the stuff that you don't need is gone, not hidden in the attic gone.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

*That's a pity as exercise is one of the best natural antidotes to ADD. I believe Michael Phelps originally took up swim training to avoid going on meds for ADD. Exercise boosts production of the same brain chemicals that the ADD meds do.*

That’s so interesting. I will have to let him know that. His friends have started meeting after work at the work gym and he was talking about doing that. He actually did start that and he got sick with the flu. But he is back to normal and I am hoping he sticks with it.

*You said you are OCD and he is ADD which is a tough combination. For you each detail is significant and for him the complete opposite. 
*
Yes. I think that’s true. Although luckily I don’t have obsessions about symmetry or germs. It is more mind obsessions and perfectionism. So it could be worse. He is really supportive of me with the OCD stuff though. 

*I can understand the chores and stuff around the house. He may see a room is a mess and it needs tidying but before he can start tidying he'll have remembered a load of other things that he needs to do and mentally moved on from the room. You keep going on like that and actually achieving nothing.*

Yes that happens all the time.

*Bringing more 'stuff' into the house is going to keep making it worse and worse. No more stuff until the stuff that you don't need is gone, not hidden in the attic gone.*

Yes. 

Thanks, WonkyNinja.


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