# Dad's Hours



## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

This came out for Father's Day.

https://ifstudies.org/blog/the-myth-of-the-lazy-father


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

My contention is, if your wife is giving you a hard time over workload inequality, take a look at what you are doing. Most times, there will be a refusal to do so and you'll have to do the figures yourself. Those figures will cause division in your marriage. The bottom line is, you married the wrong woman.


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## blazer prophet (Jun 1, 2019)

There are just as many lazy moms and there are dads. Three of the four people I work with have wives that don't cook a lick, do a fair share of the housework and zero yardwork. 

Bottom line is that there are spouses who do more than there fair share, some equal, some are lazy and it crosses over to both.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Always wondered what the point of that score-keeping was supposed to accomplish.

Like my father, I just don't talk about work much. My wife actually mentioned recently that she had a hard time answering the question at her business, of, "So, what does your husband do for work?"

I have NEVER, EVER, been the guy who just sits around and puts his feet up presuming that 'mom' will take care of all things house and child related.

Thus, I have absolutely no tolerance for, or agreement with this old trope that 'women work more than men'.

No doubt some do. But as has been pointed out, that is a partner choice issue. Not a gender issue.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Wolfman1968 said:


> This came out for Father's Day.
> 
> https://ifstudies.org/blog/the-myth-of-the-lazy-father


In my opinion workload inequality has nothing to do with workload inequality. It is about something else, but most men are not good at understanding women that complain about workload inequality because at the end of the day that is not what they are complaining about. 

The sad thing is that an article like this goes to the extreme of misunderstanding and likely serves to just make things worse. 

An article like this is all about "lack of appreciation." Appreciation has to be acknowledged and reciprocated. If a wife organizes messy cloths in the closet and the husband refuses to even acknowledge that, odds are she will begin complaining that he does not help around the house. This is not because she actually wants him to help around the house, but it is because she wants him to see and understand what she does in the marriage so that hopefully he will be able to appreciate her efforts. When it comes to reciprocating efforts, there are many things around the house that a wife may not feel comfortable doing and will ask for help. A husband that wants to reciprocate will prioritize those things around the house and try to take care of them sooner than later as opposed to letting the years go by with these tasks ignored. 

In my house my wife does not like to hang things on the wall as she prefers me to locate framing studs, drill supports, and use the appropriate anchor depending on how heavy something is (75 pound mirror versus 5 pound dry erase board). This also has the implications that previous anchors and holes in the wall will need to be repaired and painted. If I did not do these things for her, she would feel unable to redecorate the house in a way that helps her to feel ownership of our home. 

I am not trying to be sexist or anything with that example and imply that women are not good at carpentry, I am only using it as a real life example. It is one that illustrates that sometimes one spouse needs help doing something they might feel uncomfortable if they have no prior experience compared to the other. I grew up working in home construction, so I feel very comfortable ripping out parts of the wall in our home and making renovations. My wife on the other hand has a very good eye for interior design whereas I would make the house look stupid if it were up to me to arrange the furniture. 

Now imagine me not appreciating my wife rearranging a room or organizing a closet. Imagine her coming to me to complain that I do not help around the house when she asks me to hang a mirror. Imagine me creating a chart to prove I already work more hours than her as a dad..... hopefully you get the point to see how stupid that article is. Odds are whatever dad wrote that is probably on his third marriage by now. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

I have no idea if this is true or not, but it seems like most couples have a fairly even workload. Out of those couples, most of them have gripes about workload. Seems like such a stupid thing to fight about.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

badsanta said:


> In my opinion workload inequality has nothing to do with workload inequality. It is about something else, but most men are not good at understanding women that complain about workload inequality because at the end of the day that is not what they are complaining about.
> 
> The sad thing is that an article like this goes to the extreme of misunderstanding and likely serves to just make things worse.
> 
> ...


While I do agree with this, I wonder. Are you consistently rewarded for your efforts at work? I don't remember that happening for me. Maybe your experiences are different?

I think, men don't think about looking at what was done so neatly and well to make his life better, partly due to this work ethic and partly due to, he didn't ask her to do it. If he asked her to do it , it would be on his mind. And, yes, you are correct that disregarding her efforts is a poor way to show appreciation. 

If you walk around the house noticing everything she did and complimenting her efforts, kudos. I know some things that were changed in my home, I did not want changed. Thank you dear for making me adapt to your thoughts. Those compliments would have been lies. 

Tell me how to change that. Please?


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I think part of the problem is that the work most women typically do around the house is daily chores. Cooking, cleaning, laundry is done every day. The stuff a typical man does is not, mowing the lawn, car maintenance, etc is done on the weekend mostly. If you add up the hours, I'd bet they are comparable but because the man gets to sit in the evenings it looks like he never does anything which simply isn't true.

ETA: My STBX mowed the lawn yesterday. It took him 2+ hours. He does it every weekend. That's a big chunk of time in my opinion.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

2ntnuf said:


> While I do agree with this, I wonder. Are you consistently rewarded for your efforts at work? I don't remember that happening for me. Maybe your experiences are different?
> 
> I think, men don't think about looking at what was done so neatly and well to make his life better, partly due to this work ethic and partly due to, he didn't ask her to do it. If he asked her to do it , it would be on his mind. And, yes, you are correct that disregarding her efforts is a poor way to show appreciation.
> 
> ...


What did she change? In particular did it disrupt your personal space in any way. In my house my wife and I each have our own studios for which the other has zero jurisdiction as to how it is kept or arranged. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

notmyjamie said:


> I think part of the problem is that the work most women typically do around the house is daily chores. Cooking, cleaning, laundry is done every day. The stuff a typical man does is not, mowing the lawn, car maintenance, etc is done on the weekend mostly. If you add up the hours, I'd bet they are comparable but because the man gets to sit in the evenings it looks like he never does anything which simply isn't true.
> 
> ETA: My ex mowed the lawn yesterday. It took him 2+ hours. He does it every weekend. That's a big chunk of time in my opinion.


It's been my experience through my own relationship as well as talking with others here, as well as people I know IRL, that very few people do the daily every single day. Someone might do the dishes most nights, but the other person does them too from time to time. My wife has to mow sometimes. Its not 100% me. She has to do the dishes sometimes its not 100% me. I do laundry sometimes, its not 100% her ... You get the idea. 

"I do the dishes 99% of the time!" She said through gritted teeth. But it's probably closer to 80%. "I do all the home repairs!" He said through gritted teeth. But it's probably closer to 80%. Again for most people. Not discounting those who picked a bum for a spouse. In the end, the workload is probably close to 50/50 and the enjoyment of having the work done is shared 100%. What is the gripe?

Also, I just want to say I noticed you talking a bunch about missing having a man just give you the goods. How the one thing you missed about your ex is how well he gave you the goods. Now you talk about how your EX mowed yesterday and it took him 2 hours. No judgement or anything, actually smiling right now, but um... How do you know that? And um, what else is going on between you two huh?


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> It's been my experience through my own relationship as well as talking with others here, as well as people I know IRL, that very few people do the daily every single day. Someone might do the dishes most nights, but the other person does them too from time to time. My wife has to mow sometimes. Its not 100% me. She has to do the dishes sometimes its not 100% me. I do laundry sometimes, its not 100% her ... You get the idea.
> 
> 
> And that's a great way to do things. I know a lot of couples who do it that way and I never hear the wife complain about doing everything. It's the ones who split things up the way I mentioned who complain that they do way more than their husbands. And I think it's all perception.
> ...


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

badsanta said:


> What did she change? In particular did it disrupt your personal space in any way. In my house my wife and I each have our own studios for which the other has zero jurisdiction as to how it is kept or arranged.
> 
> Regards,
> Badsanta




Your lead-in is off-topic, so I will stop there. 

I do believe it's on-topic to discuss what things being done need appreciation. Saying thank you and you did a nice job can get old quick. Doing something for her to be able to decorate the way she wants is very kind, but I would suspect you have plenty of patched holes in the walls. Of course, it's pretty easy to figure out what you need to do for her when she brings home a new picture frame or painting. Anyone letting it sit will be disrespecting her and certainly find themselves losing her love. 


I guess I was looking for something more.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I kiss my W and say thank you every night after she cooks, brings me a plate.

Of course I bring home order delivery or go get take out, her choice a couple times through the week, and we eat out once a weekend typically. 

It's a balance.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

2ntnuf said:


> Your lead-in is off-topic, so I will stop there.
> 
> I do believe it's on-topic to discuss what things being done need appreciation....


My lead in was to ask what your wife changed via working in the house that you did not appreciate. If your wife is putting in hours around the house in such a way that it creates a counterproductive gesture towards the relationship... obviously you can not appreciate that and perhaps you are not communicating to your wife as to why. Perhaps it is off topic if you need to go into detail outside of this thread in order to explain, or feel uncomfortable using personal details. That is OK. I'll see if I can use a hypothetical model for discussion. 

Imagine you are a chef and your wife is a gardener. Your wife spends a great deal of time rearranging and organizing the house to facilitate gardening in a way that actually is disruptive to being able to cook in the kitchen. A room previously designated for cooking accessories has now been redesigned as gardening accessories. All your heavy cooking gadgets are now stored in the lower kitchen cabinets where your wife thought it would make things easier, but due to your back problems you do not like having to reach places like under the sink to get your blender whereas it used to be on a shelf at eye level in the other room.

If that describes the notion of your problem, it is about personal space and respect. Obviously if your wife is invading your personal space in a way that you feel is disrespectful when she is working and trying to make your home better for everyone, you will need to communicate your needs as a husband. Ask for help. Discuss things together honestly and vulnerably. Come up with ways to solve problems. And if you can do this you will be saying hallelujah and sincerely appreciating her efforts to make the house into a home that you both enjoy. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> While I do agree with this, I wonder. Are you consistently rewarded for your efforts at work? I don't remember that happening for me. Maybe your experiences are different?


I am. It comes in the form of a direct deposit to my bank account twice a month.

Not being facetious here. It is in that regard the most consistently rewarded activity in which I engage. The key is to recongize the reward for what it is.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> Your lead-in is off-topic, so I will stop there.
> 
> I do believe it's on-topic to discuss what things being done need appreciation. Saying thank you and you did a nice job can get old quick. Doing something for her to be able to decorate the way she wants is very kind, but I would suspect you have plenty of patched holes in the walls. Of course, it's pretty easy to figure out what you need to do for her when she brings home a new picture frame or painting. Anyone letting it sit will be disrespecting her and certainly find themselves losing her love.
> 
> ...


How the hell does simple common courtesy get old?? Is it REALLY that hard to say thank you??


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## m00nman (Nov 29, 2014)

I have to laugh when people make it all about gender. It isn't. It's about two partners having different priorities with regards to the work/life balance. Usually the grumbling is the first warning sign but often it's not paid attention to. People usually don't notice until their kids start acting out.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I think it depends on the person, and their personality type, and I think it crosses both genders. As for my previous marriage, I looked after everything until I gave him the ultimatum to contribute or move out. We devised a schedule that worked great for some time, until he let it slip to his Mom that we divvied up the chores, because it wasn't long after that, that everything fell back onto my shoulders. The only things that he did were take the garbage out for garbage day and refill our water jugs. Good thing is that when he moved out, I had very little additional chores to take on, whereas he was probably overwhelmed with all the cooking and cleaning that he had to do!

On the flipside, I'm dating someone now who's STBXW falls into the "extremely lazy" category, while my guy is the exact opposite. He got used to living in chaos and disorganization, and that was one of the first things he commented on when he first came over: how organized and clean my home is.


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## hptessla (Jun 4, 2019)

2ntnuf said:


> While I do agree with this, I wonder. Are you consistently rewarded for your efforts at work? I don't remember that happening for me. Maybe your experiences are different?
> 
> I think, men don't think about looking at what was done so neatly and well to make his life better, partly due to this work ethic and partly due to, he didn't ask her to do it. If he asked her to do it , it would be on his mind. And, yes, you are correct that disregarding her efforts is a poor way to show appreciation.
> 
> ...


I think that one of the problems with men and household chores/work around the house is this...and I will probably be hammered by the wives here, but I stay home with our kids after 18 years of professional work (my wife has never stayed home):

First, getting married at 41 gave me lots of years dating. Of all the women I dated only one or two had an apartment that was remotely **** and span. Almost all, like my wife, dropped clothes all over the floor. My wife still does. I tend to be neat if not 'clean' as in vacuuming often. Ex gf's and my wife tend toward sloppiness as in watch where you step. Also with gf's and my wife I notice there is no set place for anything and/or things must constantly be shifted to different places for some unknown reason...I suspect there is a gendered difference in satisfaction with things remaining static or not.
The amount of 'stuff' accumulated since marriage is incredible. Some of it is necessary especially if you have kids. However, kids stuff is a whole new world in terms of amount purchases. Most fathers can say no to their children when they beg and cry for an item. In my experience (my wife and friend's wives) mothers cannot. All those unplayed with toys take up room and create clutter. Why buy them, knowing they will not really be played with? Worse, why can I not throw out or give away toys not being used or toys that have been outgrown...I think most fathers would happily do so if not constrained by someone else's sentimentality.
My wife dreams of living in a tiny house, about 900 square feet. That will entail getting rid of about 4,500 sq ft worth of furnishings and stuff; maybe it's a flaw in me to not see this as reasonable?

Finally, I am pretty sure (no surveys or polls to back it up) that most men do not prioritize 'maintaining' things. There's a reason advertisements get away with making men look like idiots...for the most part, outside a narrow range of product types, men are not purchasers. We don't tend to want a nest full of niceties, it's mostly functional things we like. So when we love you and you let us know we need to do more housework we have a different perspective on what constitutes 'housework' and on the worth of it getting done.
Doesn't make us better or always right. Well, we may be right on the housework but there are plenty of other areas we make the same type of 'mistake' women make in their conception of housework.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> How the hell does simple common courtesy get old?? Is it REALLY that hard to say thank you??


It shouldn't be hard, but again, I think it depends on the person. When I was married, most of the time, I did the following by myself: vacuum, sweep, wash floors, cook meals, mow the lawn, tended to the garden, grocery shopping/errands, and shovelling. I did these things because they had to be done, and more often than not, if left to my XH, they would all just be left. I did them with no expectation of receiving a thank-you or any form of acknowledgement, which is good because I received them rarely. OTOH, my XH would on occasion, get off his ass and do a chore or two as a surprise when I wasn't home. It was nice and really unexpected, but he would take me around the house to show me what all he had done, and he expected acknowledgement, gold stars and a pat on the back. If he didn't get those things, he would sulk. We were just very different people.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

badsanta said:


> My lead in was to ask what your wife changed via working in the house that you did not appreciate. If your wife is putting in hours around the house in such a way that it creates a counterproductive gesture towards the relationship... obviously you can not appreciate that and perhaps you are not communicating to your wife as to why. Perhaps it is off topic if you need to go into detail outside of this thread in order to explain, or feel uncomfortable using personal details. That is OK. I'll see if I can use a hypothetical model for discussion.
> 
> Imagine you are a chef and your wife is a gardener. Your wife spends a great deal of time rearranging and organizing the house to facilitate gardening in a way that actually is disruptive to being able to cook in the kitchen. A room previously designated for cooking accessories has now been redesigned as gardening accessories. All your heavy cooking gadgets are now stored in the lower kitchen cabinets where your wife thought it would make things easier, but due to your back problems you do not like having to reach places like under the sink to get your blender whereas it used to be on a shelf at eye level in the other room.
> 
> ...


No asking required. I'd come home and it'd be done. But to follow the topic, how or why in hell would you compliment someone for bringing schtuff home that you have to work on without being asked? Isn't there enough work to split between you? lol


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> How the hell does simple common courtesy get old?? Is it REALLY that hard to say thank you??


How the hell? Imagine a man telling you he loved you every time you saw him and on the weekend too many times to count. Would it lose it's meaning? Common courtesy is not what I was intending for anyone to consider. You've made me feel like I am a dirt bag who would not say please and thank you when asking someone to do something for me and after they have at least attempted doing whatever it was. 

That's not what I was talking about.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Ursula said:


> It shouldn't be hard, but again, I think it depends on the person. When I was married, most of the time, I did the following by myself: vacuum, sweep, wash floors, cook meals, mow the lawn, tended to the garden, grocery shopping/errands, and shovelling. I did these things because they had to be done, and more often than not, if left to my XH, they would all just be left. I did them with no expectation of receiving a thank-you or any form of acknowledgement, which is good because I received them rarely. OTOH, my XH would on occasion, get off his ass and do a chore or two as a surprise when I wasn't home. It was nice and really unexpected, but he would take me around the house to show me what all he had done, and he expected acknowledgement, gold stars and a pat on the back. If he didn't get those things, he would sulk. We were just very different people.


Did you compliment him for going to work each day and triple on payday, or was he expected to do those things?

On the other hand, he should be taking care of some things around the home, working outside it or not. You doing all of those things was too much.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

And quit ripping on me. You get a hardon about something and it won't go down. Just mention something that sounds similar to what pissed you off in your marriage and right away the one who posted that owns all your hatred and snark that you didn't get to give to the man who deserved it. 

Go an find him and chew his ass. Don't chew on mine. But, you don't have the balls to chew on him, do you?


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

@notmyjamie I was confused. Sometimes you say your EX and sometimes you say STBXH and I didnt know you were talking about the same person. In another thread I mentioned how my wife and I orgasm at the same time a lot and you said something about an Ex that was like that and you missed that about him. I'm guessing this is a different EX or is this your STBXH? I'm confused. I thought I was referring to someone else with my post...


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Thank you never loses meaning. But lack of it has a LOT of meaning. 

On the rare days that my now XBF would stay over at my house, I would always cook breakfast in the morning. NOT ONCE did he ever tell me THANK YOU. Even my daughter thanks me when I make her a meal! No I didnt do it just to be shown some kind of appreciation, I did it so we could eat, but when someone makes an effort for you that they dont have to, you say thank you. I didnt have to do a damn thing for him, I could eat by myself before he ever even got out of bed. He was like that about everything, I noticed, never expressed any appreciation or gratitude, and I did a lot for him that I didnt need to. 

Chores around the house NEED to get done, and when your other person takes care of something, that means YOU dont have to do it. Say thank you.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> @notmyjamie I was confused. Sometimes you say your EX and sometimes you say STBXH and I didnt know you were talking about the same person. In another thread I mentioned how my wife and I orgasm at the same time a lot and you said something about an Ex that was like that and you missed that about him. I'm guessing this is a different EX or is this your STBXH? I'm confused. I thought I was referring to someone else with my post...



Yes, that was an old boyfriend. I almost married him but escaped that hell!!! He was great in bed but everything else sucked about him...very abusive guy back then. We are friends now and that works much better for us...but I’m so freaking sex deprived that I do remember back sometimes and miss him. LOL

Sorry for the confusion.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

notmyjamie said:


> Yes, that was an old boyfriend. I almost married him but escaped that hell!!! He was great in bed but everything else sucked about him...very abusive guy back then. We are friends now and that works much better for us...but I’m so freaking sex deprived that I do remember back sometimes and miss him. LOL
> 
> Sorry for the confusion.


Yeah, that's the EX I was thinking of. So, if he mowed for 2 hours yesterday and you knew it, I was just wondering what else y'all were up to. Just ribbing you really. 

Also, if I weren't married, I would go around and give all the sex starved women a real good pounding. For them of course, not for me. Noble charity work. A real sacrifice.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

2ntnuf said:


> No asking required. I'd come home and it'd be done. But to follow the topic, how or why in hell would you compliment someone for bringing schtuff home that you have to work on without being asked? Isn't there enough work to split between you? lol


OK, let me paint a different picture. Say you have a tough day at work and you poo all in your pants. You come home and toss your poo pants in the hamper alongside all the other dirty laundry and mostly forget about it, but think you will deal with it over the weekend. The next day you come home and those pants are clean and hanging in the closet. You would have cleaned them yourself, and you never asked anyone else to clean up your poo. You feel bad that she had to deal with that and kind of wish she would have just left your poo alone. 






From the other point of view, you should thank your wife for not calling you out for leaving your poo all over the place.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Yeah, that's the EX I was thinking of. So, if he mowed for 2 hours yesterday and you knew it, I was just wondering what else y'all were up to. Just ribbing you really.
> 
> Well, he has offered to help me out more than once. Sadly, I felt it best to decline his generous invitation.
> 
> ...


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

badsanta said:


> OK, let me paint a different picture. Say you have a tough day at work and you poo all in your pants. You come home and toss your poo pants in the hamper alongside all the other dirty laundry and mostly forget about it, but think you will deal with it over the weekend. The next day you come home and those pants are clean and hanging in the closet. You would have cleaned them yourself, and you never asked anyone else to clean up your poo. You feel bad that she had to deal with that and kind of wish she would have just left your poo alone.
> 
> 
> 
> From the other point of view, you should thank your wife for not calling you out for leaving your poo all over the place.


Yeah, no. You should be shot for crapping your pants and putting them straight into the laundry. 

It's okay if you can't figure out how to answer.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The article states that generally men spend more hours on the job than women. I've seen companies that have a non-written policy that employees can't leave before the boss so the guys are putting in face time while twiddling their thumbs. I've also known men who like to just hang out and chat after work. Working women generally want to get out as quickly as possible because they have things to do at home or with the kids.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

2ntnuf said:


> Did you compliment him for going to work each day and triple on payday, or was he expected to do those things?
> 
> On the other hand, he should be taking care of some things around the home, working outside it or not. You doing all of those things was too much.


No, I didn't compliment him on going to work each day; I worked a full time job as well and I ran/still run 2 small home-based businesses. He didn't compliment me either; why would we? It's expected that a couple will have jobs in this day and age. But yeah, I agree that it would've been really nice to have a partner who contributed a little more more equally to household stuff. But, he probably understood when he moved out and suddenly had to look after all the cooking and cleaning for himself. And, I know he's looking to buy a house, so if that happens, he can add yard work and shovelling to that list!


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

When I was married we were very traditional. My wife gave up her career in nursing to focus on the kids. So our roles were very traditional. We are too very different people, that bought different things to the table. She can't do what I can do well, and vice versa. Our way of life freed me to be the best bread winner I could be, and she was free to be a stay at home mom. Its what we both wanted. We focused on our strengths.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> The article states that generally men spend more hours on the job than women. I've seen companies that have a non-written policy that employees can't leave before the boss so the guys are putting in face time while twiddling their thumbs. I've also known men who like to just hang out and chat after work. Working women generally want to get out as quickly as possible because they have things to do at home or with the kids.


More hours on the job factors in the jobs though. My wife is a teacher. So I work about 3.5 more months per year than she does. About 1 male teacher to every 3 female teachers. Some of these averages will be thrown off by stuff like this for example. 

Yes, men hang out and chit chat after work. Cause we are working the rest of the time. 0 Women chit chat all day at work. They still work too, but I don't know how hard you can be working with all that chit chat going on over there. >


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Ursula said:


> No, I didn't compliment him on going to work each day; I worked a full time job as well and I ran/still run 2 small home-based businesses. He didn't compliment me either; why would we? It's expected that a couple will have jobs in this day and age. But yeah, I agree that it would've been really nice to have a partner who contributed a little more more equally to household stuff. But, he probably understood when he moved out and suddenly had to look after all the cooking and cleaning for himself. And, I know he's looking to buy a house, so if that happens, he can add yard work and shovelling to that list!


I guess my point is, even housework is expected and unless something out of the ordinary is done for the other spouse, I don't see a reason to compliment someone for doing it. Unless, they have done something extraordinary. Even then, complimenting someone too often causes them to think they are being patronized. 

I can't help you with the problems you had with your ex. There are too many variables to consider and it's too late.


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