# I am so exhausted of the bad attitude... seriously!



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

I know selling this house and finding someplace else to live will have it's stressful moments, but really, why does it HAVE to so contencious?? 

We saw a nice little ranch house with a bit of land (space between neighbors) AND space for hubby's toys, our RV, his motorcycle etc. It was in MINT condition. It was a little small and not the layout I'd want necessarily-- but I know how much he needs his nature and his space and so I thought maybe it is a good alternative to our original condo plan.

I put the ball in his court yesterday and gave him the day to think about it even suggesting that maybe we could just pay something to mow the lawn if he didn't want to do it (it is less than a condo fee and the rest of the house is really low maintenance). 

So this morning, I asked him what he thought. The thing is, there are not alot of similar properties out there in the town we need, and we are going on a 2 week vacation starting tomorrow. So we may 'miss the boat' on it if we don't make an offer. 

When I asked him he barked at me about how having a lawn service would just drive up the bill and how we have plenty of time to think about it and WHY do we have to discuss it right now. 

Geesh... sorry for speaking and trying to make sure we don't end up homelesss in 6 weeks. NO matter how much I bend his way it isn't enough.

I already agreed to sell the horse, I already got us on the way to a smaller cheaper house, and still, not enough for him, not even the slightest acknowledgement that I am working to help with HIS (not my) concern about bills. I am FINE with our financial position and yet I am doing all the work here and getting nothing back but grief.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Why didn't you respond in the way you approached it on this list, as in, "we have to discuss it now because we are going on vacation for two weeks and the house may not be available when we get back."

Bottom line is that you gave him the option and his procrastination will be the only fault if the house is not available when you return. If YOU really want the house, take the realtors number with you and see if you can get your husband to talk about the move during your vacation. You can always call the realtor.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So stop.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

From what I gather, two days ago you were venting about him saying "I don't want to rush into anything" and how he keeps saying it over and over again (i.e. he doesn't feel listened to), two days ago you said neither of you were remotely pushing to buy... and now today you are frustrated that he's not putting down an offer?

I would feel very rushed under these circumstances and I would not understand why my wife kept pushing so hard when I kept asking her not to rush us.

It seems like the conflict here is that you each have expectations of each other regarding time tables... maybe it is better to talk about that directly rather than focusing on putting offers down on a house? 

Or, at least, stop being the driving force behind this, and don't rescue him from his mistakes if it turns out that way. He can't feel the effect of his actions if you rescue him every time.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> I am FINE with our financial position and yet I am doing all the work here and getting nothing back but grief.


Yeah, your husband really needs to man up. But, since he's not here and you are, then woman up. DON'T let him get to you. Honestly, I think you could read up on those fitness/sh!t tests in the Men's Clubhouse and apply the same strategies to your husband. Deflect, with humor if possible, the sh!t back on to him.

If he is not fine with your financial position, then nicely ask him what his plan is for getting things back on track and what you can do to help. Make HIM responsible for his own actions and emotions. Don't take them on yourself.

Has your husband always been this way, or is this a more recent phenomenon?


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Acorn said:


> From what I gather, two days ago you were venting about him saying "I don't want to rush into anything" and how he keeps saying it over and over again (i.e. he doesn't feel listened to), two days ago you said neither of you were remotely pushing to buy... and now today you are frustrated that he's not putting down an offer?
> 
> I would feel very rushed under these circumstances and I would not understand why my wife kept pushing so hard when I kept asking her not to rush us.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Yeah, your husband really needs to man up. But, since he's not here and you are, then woman up. DON'T let him get to you. Honestly, I think you could read up on those fitness/sh!t tests in the Men's Clubhouse and apply the same strategies to your husband. Deflect, with humor if possible, the sh!t back on to him.
> 
> If he is not fine with your financial position, then nicely ask him what his plan is for getting things back on track and what you can do to help. Make HIM responsible for his own actions and emotions. Don't take them on yourself.
> 
> Has your husband always been this way, or is this a more recent phenomenon?


I guess he has always been this way but the intensity of it has gotten worse
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

turnera said:


> So stop.


Stop what? We have 3 kids who have to go to school and not be homeless come august
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Did you already sell your house?


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

I think your reasons for trying to push a little are very reasonable. 

Turning the discussion into something like this might be helpful: "I'm very worried about rushing you, but I'm also worried about the kids being homeless when school starts in August. We don't have to talk about any particular house, I just want to understand what you think is a reasonable turn around time for this sort of thing so I don't worry."

From there, you can do what you want with the answer but at least you'll be communicating and understanding him more.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

turnera said:


> Did you already sell your house?


House is sold
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ahh, that's different then. What's missing then is that you two are not communicating. Ask him for 30 minutes of his time away from everything else; then just say 'let's work out our plan.'


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

turnera said:


> Did you already sell your house?


Yep-- we close August 12. We have no other house, no rent, no nothing. We can stay in our RV for a few weeks, but I do have to get settled somewhere by the beginning of school.

There just isn't ALOT our there to buy or rent in our price range. I am ok with renting, but he has to understand it isn't going to help the $$ situation all that much as with 5 people our options are considerably more limited. 

I don't think the pristine condition ranch with the nice property is going to come up all that often is all..


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Acorn said:


> I think your reasons for trying to push a little are very reasonable.
> 
> Turning the discussion into something like this might be helpful: "I'm very worried about rushing you, but I'm also worried about the kids being homeless when school starts in August. We don't have to talk about any particular house, I just want to understand what you think is a reasonable turn around time for this sort of thing so I don't worry."
> 
> From there, you can do what you want with the answer but at least you'll be communicating and understanding him more.


I guess I feel like he has a false sense of us having 'lots' of time. We have already looked at a dozen properties and only two were even remotely in the running and one of them was taken off the market.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I have the same problem with my husband, when I NEED him to address something, he flat out refuses, saying don't bother me or I can't deal with it right now. Terrible technique. IMO, the ONLY way to fix it is to be honest and persistent and also considerate of his feelings. Sometimes throw in proof of WHY you have to deal with it now, such as a print out of all available properties currently, with all the ones you CAN'T choose blackened out, so he can see what he's dealing with.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

lisa3girls said:


> I guess I feel like he has a false sense of us having 'lots' of time. We have already looked at a dozen properties and only two were even remotely in the running and one of them was taken off the market.


I think you are perfectly justified in these concerns...after seeing how long it can take to purchase/sell a home, I'm right there with you.

It just sounds to me that the conflict is in understanding each other's expectations of the time table... it doesn't have as much to do with the actual purchasing of the house.

I doubt he wants to see you worry and I doubt you want to push him out of a comfort zone so hopefully communication will help.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

turnera said:


> I have the same problem with my husband, when I NEED him to address something, he flat out refuses, saying don't bother me or I can't deal with it right now. Terrible technique. IMO, the ONLY way to fix it is to be honest and persistent and also considerate of his feelings. Sometimes throw in proof of WHY you have to deal with it now, such as a print out of all available properties currently, with all the ones you CAN'T choose blackened out, so he can see what he's dealing with.


Yes, I think maybe he should start seeing how much I am searching and coming up empty. That is why I informed him about the rents and how costly they are... heck I am fine with it if he wants to suck up the cost for a while and be more fussy about what we buy, but again I am not the one flipping out over a few grand in credit card debt.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I admit I let things slide. So much of the time she'll either micro nano manage, redo it herself or simply ignore whatever I contribute that it's more efficient to do nothing.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> I admit I let things slide. So much of the time she'll either micro nano manage, redo it herself or simply ignore whatever I contribute that it's more efficient to do nothing.


You know... historically I did just go ahead and make decisions, because they JUST WOULDN"T GET MADE if I didn't... but then he seems to resent that. But when I try to get him to make one, still... doesn't happen. OMG


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

My wife wants to get a new bed. I didn't want to start a fight but I know she's not going to listen to anything I say and simply pick out the cheapest one she find. So I told her, 'do whatever you like you're just going to pick out the cheapest one you can find.' For some reason having the reality of one's own entirely consistent behavior repeated back to her makes her angry. And guess what, she's out now looking for the cheapest one she can find. In a few weeks history will be re written and it will turn into how I forced her to buy the cheapest one, on her own. By then it'll probably be I made her pick the cotton to make the mattress and saw the wood to make the box spring too. And carry it home on her back in the blazing sun while dodging rattlesnakes. 

See sometimes you can't fight a control freak except by giving them control. It infuriates them. But since its me or her, I pick me. It's too exhausting, like you say, to fight that or pretend to accommodate it or whatnot.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lisa, what kind of learner is your husband? I asked about the printout because we are all different learners. My DD20 has to read the news, and she won't listen to NPR. I won't read the news, so I listen to NPR. Maybe if you have it all down on paper, it will mean something to him.


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