# Twisted Cyber Affair



## Playtrip (Aug 18, 2011)

This one is odd.
My wife is having a cyber affair online. She texts with the other man every day, multiple times a day, usually of the sexual nature.
She has traded sexual photos online, and they have agreed to meet in two weeks at a hotel for a "date".

Although my wifes affair is very troubling, i think it might be "fixable"
Thats because the OM is me.
I have been having online relationship with my wife for four weeks and an all-out cyber affair for one.
She has no idea it is me. 
I considered stopping the relationship abruptly yesterday, but I have reconsidered, and I cant bring myself to do it.. Im beginning to think that I need to play this out, and let "them" meet at thier scheduled date either with divorce papers or my birthday suit.

Any suggestions?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

It think you`ll need to give some back story as to how and why this very strange situation came about.


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## Playtrip (Aug 18, 2011)

Okay. My wife had a 6 month emotional affair that just started to get physical when I managed to put a stop to it in June. We both joined this online community a month ago. My wife was getting a lot of attention and flirting. I still had some trust issues so I created an alias account to test her. The relationship grew into this mess.
I have to admit it was exciting for me too. After all, this other man was actually me. She couldnt have an affair with a photo on the internet, right? It was me she was having an affair with.

Meanwhile, our real relationship, on the surface, is doing pretty well. We have known each other for 23 years, married for 19. I love her, and there is no question she loves me. 
We always have fun together, and she has been extremely attentive to me. Our sex life is the best it has been ever, in 19 years. (I understand that this can be some sort of cloaking maneuver, but Im not bothered by it.)
I still have this wierd confident feeling that since it is me pulling all the strings, she is completely submissive to me.


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## Playtrip (Aug 18, 2011)

More back story. My wife tells the OM that she doesnt know why she is fooling around. She says that I am a wonderfuly attentive husband and that we have a great sex life. 
She thinks it is some sort of midlife thing


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I'm intrigued. While you think this is "okay" because it is "you", in her mind it isn't, and still great cause for distrust in your marriage. I'm wondering whether or not she will actually go through with the "date", and if she does, what that actually means to your marriage.

I'm also curious as to whether you "treat" her differently, as the OM, and whether or not, after 20 years, she can pick up on similar mannerisms you share with the OM, or even possibly suspect that it's even you?

Her attempt to 'excuse' this as a midlife thing is also troubling. This is something she should be communicating with YOU about, especially after having a previous affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

She might blame you and state that your the one at fault for "setting her up". My ex husband was a serial cheater and when he tried to make the moves on my best friend, he accused me of "setting him up". Which is a bunch of baloney to begin with.

This is a very interesting story. Personally, I would never trust her again. I'd show up with the divorce papers upon meeting her on your "date". You don't deserve to be treated this way. There are plenty of us woman who remain very faithful to our husbands.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Well, if this isn't made up, then it seems that you are burying your head to some really painful truths.

First, she either knows that it is you, and went along, which is highly unlikely, or she is 100% convinced that she is having an online affair with another man. In that case, it will become boring if she learns that it is you, despite the old chiche pop song. Since you are encouraging the behavior, she'll likely see this as a green light to start again later, since you've already established a precedent of trusting and forgiving her the first time she had an affair.

As long as it continues to be swept under the rug, or you encourage the behavior by plaing along, you are setting yourself up for a lifestyle of continual affairs. Its not just a midlife thing. That's only what you tell yourself to make it seem harmless. Its a decision to cheat that began at midlife. Midlife is when a person is rebuilding their new self-image that will sustain them from this point onward. I've been through midlife- and still am, to some degree. You don't do quirky things and then just settle down. You do quirky things that you've buried all along, and they become a part of the new you. My own midlife didn't include cheating because I've never considered being a cheater before, and never had questionable integrity in that area.


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## Bartimaus (Oct 15, 2011)

OP is your marriage an 'open' marriage or are or have you been swinggers? 
Reason I ask is that this is indeed 'odd' sounding to me. And maybe I missed it but what is the 'online community' you mention?


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Good question...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## borninapril (Jun 6, 2011)

From personal experience I can tell you this won't go the way you think it will. Four years ago I did the same thing. My wife had been acting strange and when I came across her Myspace page I found a whole lot of messages to guys that seemed really off. So I created a fake page and started talking to her. I found out way more than I ever knew or even wanted to know. I confront. ed her and while we are still together I still have some serious issues that were brought on by all of it. So be carefeul what you wish for, because you just might get it.


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## Sindo (Oct 29, 2011)

You say the two of you have been trading photos? I'm assuming that you aren't taking photos of yourself, so where are you getting your photos from?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you as your alternate OM persona tried directing her to do things that would be against what she in real life would not normally do , or something her husband doesn't like?

Such as telling her to cut you off for a night, or to cut her hair, change nail polish color to something her husband hates? 

I thinking some tests to see where her priority and loyalty lays.

--

Now a worrisome thought - if she is doing this with one OM, could she be doing it with others as well?


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

You are in big time denial. If it was not you then it would be somebody else. She clearly has no problem cheating on you. I will tell you how it will come down. She will be pissed when you show up. She down the line will try to cheat with someone else who is not you. I think you would be wise to bring the divorce papers. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to stop.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Why don't you the (OM) get her to file for divorce, and leave all the marital assets behind to run off and meet him someplace.

have her sign a power of attorney paper, have it witnessed and have her grab a flight to vegas to meet the OM.


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

> My wife had a 6 month emotional affair that just started to get physical when I managed to *put a stop to it in June*. We *both joined this online community a month ago*. My wife was getting a lot of attention and flirting. I still had some trust issues so I created an alias account to test her.


This lends new meaning to the old adage "if they will cheat with you, they will cheat on you." Since this is her second EA she is by all definition now classified as a serial cheater. Second that you know of. I would meet her at the hotel with D papers.

However, I really hope this "online community" wasn't a swingers site. If it is, you reacted to your wife by taking her from the proverbial candy store and putting her in the candy factory. Whether you realize it or not you actually began to endorse her past behavior by allowing her to frequent a site where she could flirt, your own words, "my wife was getting a lot of attention and flirting". Why, when you saw all this, did you not put your foot down and say this is wrong, lets work on our marriage? 

When someone is in a position to have an affair, they certainly do not need more temptation added. They need boundaries re-established and temptation removed. Just my two cents


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## Playtrip (Aug 18, 2011)

My head is spinning. 
Im not sure where to start. First of all, we are not swingers nor do we have an open marriage. 
However, we had a very deep discussion of the matter two nights ago. She asked me if I could ever sleep with a stranger, or if I ever just saw someone on the street and thought what would it be like to sleep with them. 
She told the OM two weeks ago, that she would ask for a divorce from me if I ever pushed the open marriage, swinging lifestyle.
Then the talk two nights ago.......

Princess, I don't think her behavior is okay. I get it. You dont consider sleeping with someone else when you are married, let alone a complete stranger.
Shaggy, I am actually considering doing what you mentioned, testing her loyalties.
Sindo, Ive "borrowed" some online photos and i dont have alot of pictures. She keeps asking me to take one "right now" and send it.
I have a feeling that this relationship might end because of that fact, before it plays out on a "date".

You are right Brian, I think I need to show up for the date with divorce papers. I have been clear to her the past couple of months that I would divorce her if she ever cheated on me. I will not be wishy washy on this fact. 

I am struggling however, with guilt. I feel that it was entrapment.
I know her better than anybody. I knew exactly what buttons to push. 

I have a lot to do today, so I am going to go for now, but will check in later. 
Thanks for the input so far everybody.


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## Playtrip (Aug 18, 2011)

Always Hopeful, it is not a swingers community. 
Also, thanks for your two cents. It is a valid alternative


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I wouldn't say divorce so fast. I would rather have her meet you in the hotel and discuss the problems that you might have in the marriage. You might get some honest replies at that moment...


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## Nikki1023 (Sep 24, 2011)

Regardless or not if its you, she still set the game up to cheat. Be careful with that. If she wasnt able to stop herself the first time, what makes you think she wont do it again. It all depends on how much your willing to deal with. 

Im THINKING about giving my WH another chance..because he is going to counseling..stopped drinking..and is finding God, to help him. He ***ed up, but is taking the necessary steps to mend our relationship.

It dosent quit seem like your wife is ready. Especially if she is having one right now. And how do you know your the only guy she is talking to?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Playtrip said:


> I am struggling however, with guilt. I feel that it was entrapment.
> I know her better than anybody. I knew exactly what buttons to push.


The fact that OM is you is irrelevant. If it wasn't you, it would be some other man. It's so easy to be an online Romeo. The fact remains that she is shopping for another affair despite you laying down your boundaries. 

Nikki1023 has a point, do you even know that you're the only one she's chatting with?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Playtrip---stop playing games, and get your head out of the sand

Your wife just came off of one A---and is immediately in another A---(so its you---so what---she doesn't know that)

Bottom line she is turning into a serial cheater----Please do not even go there, by trying to excuse her behavior--by saying that she says--she doesn't know why she is doing it

SHE DA*N WELL KNOWS WHY SHE IS GOING ON LINE, LOOKING FOR OTHER MEN------She is bored with the mge.,--she is bored with you, and she wants something new and exciting----that's what any/all of the cheating is all about, for the most part.

Forget playing games---just plain sit her down, and tell her you know she has gotten into another relationship---and that she either stops, NOW---or you will start D., proceedings

If she wants to stay in the mge., she needs to stop this crap---so you need to set up some stiff boundaries, no computer, no cell-phone---no anything that would allow her contact with other men.

If she asks how you found out tell her you just did, and go right into attack mode, and tell her in the strongest, way possible---ALL OF THIS CRAP STOPS IMMEDIATELY

Just cuz she is in fact cheating with your "entrapment"---doesn't mean she isn't cheating---that's the problem, the cheating---that's what has to be fixed, and fixed NOW


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Perhaps you did "entrap" her to a certain extent. After all, you said yourself, you knew exactly which buttons to push. So maybe there would not necessarily have been someone else if it weren't you. 

I'm trying to imagine myself in the same situation. I am very guarded in what I say online because I like to imagine that my husband has a keylogger on my computer and can see what I'm writing. I know that's not actually the case, but I think it's a good test before I write anything (if H were reading this, what would he think?). But if he - knowing, as he does, EVERYTHING - and being, as he is, the person I'm CRAZY about - pushed button after button after button - who knows what would happen. 

I don't think your post is that weird. If there is anyone whom I don't know online who seems like they could be getting flirty in whatever way, I ALWAYS assume that it's my husband testing me. Even though I know he never would, I just assume that and act accordingly. Because your scenario is so easy to do. I'm actually surprised more people don't do it.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

I agree that confronting her is the way to go. I know about the online affair you've been having, etc. Don't say how you know, but make sure she doesn't know about all the ways they talk - in other words, you know about the text messages, but not about the computer, or the other way around - that keeps an option open for her to continue to contact OM if she wants. Then, as the OM, contact her on the device she thinks you don't know about, and try to engage her in conversation. Listen to what she tells him about you finding out. I bet that is where you'll find clarity.

For example, she could say to OM "Please don't ever contact me again. I am reconciling with my husband. This thing is OVER." Or she could try to take the affair underground: "We can only use texts now. He got on my computer. He knows about us. He is such a #()$#)." etc. 

This may be underhanded and shady but she is being underhanded and shady AND has a past with this.


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## Sindo (Oct 29, 2011)

Yes, you pushed all her buttons. And there is no aspect of OM that did not come from you. Yet rather than enjoy those qualities in her husband, who was right there in the same house, she chose virtual OM.

I do think there are other options apart from handing over divorce papers, though. The situation is not so clear-cut. But once you meet up, the two of you have a lot to discuss.

Out of curiousity, do you think her behaviour changed as a result of the EA? Has she become any more distant from you in person while having an EA with you online?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

omega said:


> I'm actually surprised more people don't do it.


I've done it. I've texted my fWW from an internet texting service pretending to be OM. She never responded, but she never told me of OM trying to contact her either. 

So I had to lay down a boundary *that I learned from the forums*, that if OM tries to contact her, she's to tell me, that failing to report any attempted contact is also breaking NC because that's an omission. Yeah, R is rough.

Seeing this story makes me think I should try it again, or maybe I should just let it go. Decisions, decisions...:scratchhead:


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## Playtrip (Aug 18, 2011)

Nikki1023 said:


> And how do you know your the only guy she is talking to?


Im not positive that there is only one OM, but Im pretty sure. We got drunk on sat night, and she passed out, so I was able to check out her phone. All of the texts to the OM were gone, but she questioned numerous other people to ask if they had ever met up with an online friend. 
She mentions the OM to them, and by a pet name to one freind in particular. I would imagine if there was another guy she wouldve mentioned him also.


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## Playtrip (Aug 18, 2011)

Sindo said:


> Out of curiousity, do you think her behaviour changed as a result of the EA? Has she become any more distant from you in person while having an EA with you online?


We are more close now than we have been in years. We communicate constantly, even discussing our feelings for other people. But she has never mentioned the OM. She asks me general questions like, "do i ever wonder what it would be like to be with someone else", and "could I sleep with a stranger" that kind of crap. When I ask her, she says, "shes not dead", but there is no one in particular that she thinks of. 
Meanwhile the sex has been great the past four months and did ramp up slightly since the online EA. She is definitely more sexually charged up.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Tell her it's you. You fell in love with her all over again, and she feel for you. It's affirmation that you two belong together. Use it to your advantage. The best affair to have is with your spouse. Then use the experience to role play in the future.

Being a cheater sucks. Have an affair with each other instead.


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## Playtrip (Aug 18, 2011)

jnj express said:


> .
> 
> Forget playing games---just plain sit her down, and tell her you know she has gotten into another relationship---and that she either stops, NOW---or you will start D., proceedings


I agree. 

Im just having trouble pulling the trigger.


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## Sindo (Oct 29, 2011)

Your trigger gets pulled on it's own in a couple of weeks anyway. All you have to do is be in the hotel room.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I guess I don't see the point in playing games with your wife and pretending to be someone you're not.
Be honest. Communicate. Don't lie and pass yourself off as someone else. That doesn't solve the main issue.


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## Playtrip (Aug 18, 2011)

omega said:


> I agree that confronting her is the way to go. I know about the online affair you've been having, etc. Don't say how you know, but make sure she doesn't know about all the ways they talk - in other words, you know about the text messages, but not about the computer, or the other way around - that keeps an option open for her to continue to contact OM if she wants. Then, as the OM, contact her on the device she thinks you don't know about, and try to engage her in conversation. Listen to what she tells him about you finding out. I bet that is where you'll find clarity.
> 
> For example, she could say to OM "Please don't ever contact me again. I am reconciling with my husband. This thing is OVER." Or she could try to take the affair underground: "We can only use texts now. He got on my computer. He knows about us. He is such a #()$#)." etc.
> 
> This may be underhanded and shady but she is being underhanded and shady AND has a past with this.


I think this is exactly what I will do.
But it is very difficult to plan to entice her as the OM, knowing that if she bites, the marriage is over.
Subconciously I hope I dont make it a weak attempt though.

I have a lot at stake here. I have been with her 23 years, married for 19. I still have two kids at home.


How do I handle the sit down?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You just sit her down and straight talk with her. 

Don't make this any worse than it already is.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Do you have a VAR? If not, then get one for your protection. Have it hidden on you, then sit her down without the kids present. Either they are asleep, or out of the house.


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## Playtrip (Aug 18, 2011)

HerToo said:


> Tell her it's you. You fell in love with her all over again, and she feel for you. It's affirmation that you two belong together. Use it to your advantage. The best affair to have is with your spouse. Then use the experience to role play in the future.
> 
> Being a cheater sucks. Have an affair with each other instead.


Funny you say that, because orginally that was my plan.
But it doesnt seem realistic anymore. Just a pipe dream.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

thrers the potential here for a " i knew it was you all along". this is why the plan on not revealing who u r and getting her to break it off on her own will be more telling.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Playtrip said:


> Funny you say that, because orginally that was my plan.
> But it doesnt seem realistic anymore. Just a pipe dream.


That was the plot in a film I saw two days ago. It worked in their case. I'm sure it's very tempting to try to spin it as a positive. But the problem with that is that she might not bite. She may be so shocked / hurt / attacked by the idea that you were doing this to her that she doesn't rise to the occasion, but rather decides that she can't trust you, etc. For this to work for sure, it has to be a movie, I think.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Then end your game as a positive dream , or as a nightmare. 

Just get in bed with her, tell her, and make LOVE to your wife.

Or, file for divorce and let her get in bed without you.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Dadof3 said:


> thrers the potential here for a " i knew it was you all along". this is why the plan on not revealing who u r and getting her to break it off on her own will be more telling.


I agree, and the problem with that is that if she says it, even though you KNOW it's bullshet, there's nothing you can really do at that point. You can't argue with what someone else claims they knew.


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## StrangerThanFiction (Jul 19, 2011)

"Yes, I like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne.
I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon, and cut through all this red tape.
At a bar called O'Malley's, where we'll plan our escape."

So I waited with high hopes, then she walked in the place.
I knew her smile in an instant, I knew the curve of her face.
It was my own lovely lady, and she said, "Oh, it's you."
And we laughed for a moment, and I said, "I never knew"..

somehow I bet it wont end as well in your situation but who knows!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

LOL
I was going to post if he liked Pina Coladas but thought better of it...


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## StrangerThanFiction (Jul 19, 2011)

yeah, sorry, probably not helpful. I actually listened to the lyrics the other day in a gas station and realized "oh! thats what he's talking about"


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

StrangerThanFiction said:


> "Yes, I like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
> I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne.
> I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon, and cut through all this red tape.
> At a bar called O'Malley's, where we'll plan our escape."
> ...


This lyric always baffled me. She doesn't sounds all that excited to find out its her hubby!


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## Yardman (Sep 10, 2011)

it baffled me too, Dadof3


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think the OM should break it off with your WW. The OM should tell her that she is a lucky women to have a great and caring H and how wrong it is to be having this affair and how hurtful it would be if you ever found out.

I think the OM should explain the pain that this affair could cause a family and that it is morally wrong and will have to stop all contact.

You may be so bold as to make your self look better then the OM and start telling your wife (as the OM) how small your penis is, and tell her about some made up freakish fetish that will sicken your wife.
See how that goes.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

awesome, your wifes a serial cheater. Even better, you are reinforcing her behaviors. Further corrupting her already broken moral compass and helping to permanently damage your own wife. 

never considered trying to pull off a moral lobotomy on your own wife and the mother of your children! 

I dont think you have any idea what your doing.

Here's a score sheet:

emotionally damaging her: check. 
morally damaging her: check. 
mentally damaging her: check.
behaviorally damaging her: check.

But hey, sex has picked up right? 

Your sewing the wind.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Do you like pina-coladas?


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Have the( OM ) not contact her for a while or act not so interested and see if she tries to pursue him?????


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## Nikki1023 (Sep 24, 2011)

Playtrip said:


> Im not positive that there is only one OM, but Im pretty sure. We got drunk on sat night, and she passed out, so I was able to check out her phone. All of the texts to the OM were gone, but she questioned numerous other people to ask if they had ever met up with an online friend.
> She mentions the OM to them, and by a pet name to one freind in particular. I would imagine if there was another guy she wouldve mentioned him also.


Seems like your wife is getting very attached to the OM. And seeing how you already gave her a SECOND CHANCE to not go and screw around, you should really rethink your relationship with her. 

I give you credit. You did something I wanted to try and do. You caught her in the act. You have all the evidence and proof you need..there is no way of her to lie to you about what kind of conversations she had with him, or if she sent pictures and what they were of. You know it all. And some people would consider the lengths you went to catch her..a little creepy..Im not gonna lie. You went more than the extra mile with this. 

I hope you learned something from it. Your wife has a serious commitment issue..and for whatever reason, she is pursuing men on the computer to go and meet them.

Heres my advice and I hope you take it. Book the hotel room. Have her meet you there. Thats the only way you will know for sure that she was going to have sex with this guy. Because if you spill the beans before hand, She will lie through her teeth and say she was never going to do it. I think you need this. So you can realize shes doing you dirty.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I don't think she will meet him without camming at least once. If she did meet him at the hotel, we are looking at a woman who is very very stupid too.


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## Nikki1023 (Sep 24, 2011)

Regardless or not, he should go for it. u can manipulate a webcam anyways. He could blame it on work..he could blame it on lighting..the point is, if she really believes she is falling for this guy, she'll do whatever. I dont think cheaters think when they do things.


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## Playtrip (Aug 18, 2011)

Most likely they would meet in the bar downstairs first and not in the hotel room. 
Lately, my wife has made it clear that she wants to have a couple of drinks first.


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## Nikki1023 (Sep 24, 2011)

Well, regardless or not where she meets "Him" if its a guy shes talking about screwing around with..and she's going to a hotel to see him..or anywhere to see him for that matter...that should be enough. You dont have to catch them in the act itself to know what she was gonna do.

1. Shes not telling you that shes meeting up with a guy she met online.
2. He is NOT a friend of hers..he is a stranger.

DOnt justify any of it..all she has to do is walk into anywhere going to see him, and boom..they were gonna bang. Mark my words.


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

> Im not positive that there is only one OM, but Im pretty sure. We *got drunk on sat night, and she passed out*, so I was able to check out her phone. All of the texts to the OM were gone, but *she questioned numerous other people to ask if they had ever met up with an online friend.
> She mentions the OM to them, and by a pet name to one freind in particular*. I would imagine if there was another guy she wouldve mentioned him also.


You have other issues that you need to deal with along with her infidelity. She obviously has a toxic support group that encourages this type of behavior and issues with alcohol. This is turning into one hell of a train wreck. Please get your wife some serious help and soon.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

How long are you gonna let this go on

Remember one thing----right now you have all the evidence you need----you KNOW she is cheating on YOU, and you can prove it.

There is always the possibility that the "entrapper" could screw up, and if you blow your cover----you GIVE AWAY, everything you have on her----she will turn this around so fast---and believe me she could hit you with abuse, entrapment, psychological manipulation, and who knows what else----plus she will blameshift, and legitimately, till the cows come home

You have your evidence---PULL THE TRIGGER---do not screw this up.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

What have you decided to do?


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Playtrip said:


> she questioned numerous other people to ask if they had ever met up with an online friend.
> She mentions the OM to them, and by a pet name to one freind in particular


The fact that your wife is openly discussing the OM with her friends means that she is disrespecting you and your marriage to them. This not only reflects badly on your wife, but also on the toxic friends that she keeps. Clearly your wife does not consider any of them to be friends of the marriage.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Do you remember Rupert Holmes minor follow up hit after 'Escape (The Pina Colada Song)? It called *'Him'*. Despite the song having a beautiful melody, the words are brutal in their meaning of the kind of betrayal we deal here daily.

_Him
Rupert Holmes

Over by the window, there's a pack of cigarettes.
Not my brand you understand,
Sometimes the girl forgets
She forgets to hide them
I know who left those smokes behind
She'll say, oh, he's just a friend,
And I'll say, oh, I'm not blind
to..

(chorus)
Him him him, what's she gonna do about him?
She's gonna have to live without him,
It's him or it's me, me me,
No one gets to get it for free
It's me or it's him.

Don't know what he looks like,
Don't know who he is.
Don't know why she thought that I
would say what's mine is his.
I dont want to own her,
But I can't let her have it both ways.
Three is one too many of us,
She leaves with me or stays
with..

(chorus)

Him him him, what's she gonna do about Him?
She's gonna have to live without him,
It's him or it's me, me me,
No one gets to get it for free
It's me or it's him.

If she wants him she can have him,
Just exactly how we once were,
Its goodbye to he and I,
and back to me and her,
Without..

(chorus)
Him, him, him, what's she gonna do about him?
She's gonna have to live without him,
It's him or it's me, me, me,
No one gets to get it for free,
Time for me to make the girl see,
It's me or it's him.

(repeat chorus) 

_


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## Playtrip (Aug 18, 2011)

I think its over. I just dont want to do it before thanksgiving. We have a lot of relatives in town, and I am going to wait until Sunday. 
I dont want to wait for her to show up to meet him. I dont think it is necessary at this point. I have seen enough in her actions, to see her intentions. 

I dont want to give up, but I think she needs a wakeup call. I plan on asking for a divorce.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Care to share with us the latest?


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Playtrip said:


> I think its over. I just dont want to do it before thanksgiving. We have a lot of relatives in town, and I am going to wait until Sunday.
> I dont want to wait for her to show up to meet him. I dont think it is necessary at this point. I have seen enough in her actions, to see her intentions.
> 
> I dont want to give up, but I think she needs a wakeup call. I plan on asking for a divorce.


Good plan.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Never ever tell anyone that you were the OM. If you do she will tell you and everyone else that she knew this and was playing a game herself. She will make you look like the fool or the bad guy.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

TRy said:


> Never ever tell anyone that you were the OM. If you do she will tell you and everyone else that she knew this and was playing a game herself. She will make you look like the fool or the bad guy.


or claim she "knew all along it was him"


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

do NOT reveal your sources


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## Playtrip (Aug 18, 2011)

I couldnt wait.
I told her last night that I knew everything and I wanted a divorce.
She immediately accused me of spying "again" and then claiming she never intended on meeting up with a complete stranger.
I deflected the spying accusations, and told her that her intentions were clear in her texts. I told her I thought she would meet him for drinks, and eventually sex. (no different than meeting someone at a nightclub for a one night stand)
She was angry, insisting she didnt actually do anything. 
I explained to her that her actions showed complete disrespect for me and our marriage and I did not think I could trust her.
I calmly explained that I was willing to stay at home until she completed training for her new job, but only if she were willing to make some concessions. Otherwise I would move out this weekend after Thanksgiving. I tried not to show any emotion.
I told her that I did all my weeping for her four months ago and I had resolve in my decision. 
She asked if there was anything she could do, and I said there was not. 
We talked for another hour or two, but I did not budge. She went downstairs saying she was remorseful but really not seeming to be.

I fell asleep.

Two hours later she woke me up sobbing and crying uncontrollably. Begging and pleading to give her another chance. She confessed to everything with the OM, all of which I knew already. In addition, she mentioned another man that she was flirting with and that she had thoughts about.
Despite this additional item (i can hear the shouts of "serial cheater!" in the background) I agreed to consider it, only if she was willing to set up some concrete boundries with consequences. I told her I was too tired to discuss it, but in all honesty, I wanted to get some feedback here first.

Im pretty tired, it was a long night. She said it was the worst night of her life.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

lay down what you need for a shot at R-


1) No contact- she is to write a letter to these OM's (your alias included, sheesh) stating that her marriage is her top priority now and that she will no longer want any contact at all with them and they are never to contact her again. If the OM contacts her then she is to ignore it and tell you of it right away (she should shut down her accounts or block them depending on the venue of communication) 

2) Complete transparency- she is to give up all passwords to every email or account, allow you access to her phone when you want and tell you of her actions and where she is going. She cannot complain if you are snooping and allow to do what you need to verify her actions. IOW her privacy is now null and void. You should also without telling her install spy tech to verify this.

3) She has to demonstrate true remorse by not only words by her actions- she has to do the heavy lifting as we say. She must answer everything truthfully and tell you everything right away. If you require her to do IC or MC then she must comply. She has to bear the brunt of your pain.

4) start spending more time together one on one, start finding things to do together and strengthen your bond. Start openly talk about problems and being honest about your needs and wants.

5) You should also look to expose that OM to his wife if he has one. (as far as your alias I have no idea on how to handle that) Do not tell her that you are exposing.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Putting and end to the affair(s) is one thing, but what's being done to the root problem. As in, figuring out WHY she's cheating and fixing that. Otherwise you'll be back here in 6 months, assuming you're willing to attempt reconciling.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

How would she have met up with OM? Does she do girls night out? If so GNO/BNO is one of the most toxic things that can happen in a relationship.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> lay down what you need for a shot at R-
> 
> 
> 1) No contact- she is to write a letter to these OM's (your alias included, sheesh) stating that her marriage is her top priority now and that she will no longer want any contact at all with them and they are never to contact her again. If the OM contacts her then she is to ignore it and tell you of it right away (she should shut down her accounts or block them depending on the venue of communication)
> ...


He can still use his alias to fish and see if she is living up to his conditions. Assuming she can work around his monitoring.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Not to mention - she has to give up the internet socializing sites too.


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## Playtrip (Aug 18, 2011)

Chap, the OM told her to use Christmas shopping as an excuse.... "No real man is going to want to shop with his wife for five or six hours."
She couldve used it 2-3 times in the ten day period the OM was in town.
My wife is allowed on GNO only on rare occasions and never when she is ovulating (courtesy of MMSLP).


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

I would hope that GNO is no longer on the table - no matter what.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

1st she signs a POST--NUP

2nd --she gives up all use of the computer for NOW---until you can trust her----There is no give in this---the computer is what is allowing her these contacts---she stays AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER----she goes to living life as people did---PRE--COMPUTER, and believe me they all managed very nicely.

3rd---her cellphone is avaiable to you 24/7

4th--if she goes out anywhere on errands, the kids go with her if possible

5th--she NOW does ALL the heavy lifting, that a normal, proper married wife/mother would do

6th --she has no contact with men whatsoever---unless they are part of a married couple, that is absolute friends of your mge.

She must be remorseful, contrite, SELFLESS, and she has to know---if she violates anyone of those boundaries even once----the consequences, are not more talk, they are immediate filing of D.

It is obvious she is scared shi*less of being on her own----so w/out being abusive, and controlling make her tow the line

How much you check on her is up to you----I know you don't wanna play parole officer---but you do need to check on her----Who knows when trust will really come back

She got nailed at her little attempt to stray---and for now make sure she does not forget it.


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## Playtrip (Aug 18, 2011)

jnj express said:


> 5th--she NOW does ALL the heavy lifting, that a normal, proper married wife/mother would do


Thanks JnJ, but what does #5 mean exactly?


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Means she needs to demonstrate her remorse through all the things possible she can do for you and the marriage. she will tolerate your lack of trust, not get angry / withdraw when you are having a bad day, or a flashback from what you know about her. She will be patient, loving. Emotional, physical withdrawals are unacceptable and grounds for divorce.

She needs to play open, honest, and pretty much comply with all you ask and require where it isn't abusive, controlling, or manipulative.


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## Playtrip (Aug 18, 2011)

Thanks. Dads always know everything.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Don't tell her it was you as the OM. Get a keylogger on her computer print out the logs and chats and confront her with it. Have he send the OM (you) no contact letter and see what happens.

She could always say that she knew it was you.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I would never ever let her know where I got the evidence.
I wouldn`t make up a story, I`d simply refuse to present it you don`t need to.

She hasn`t required you present it, she`s completely confessed anyway.

She has no right to even ask at this point and if she did I`d simply refuse to tell her.

Let her wonder.


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

jnj express said:


> 1st she signs a POST--NUP
> 
> 2nd --she gives up all use of the computer for NOW---until you can trust her----There is no give in this---the computer is what is allowing her these contacts---she stays AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER----she goes to living life as people did---PRE--COMPUTER, and believe me they all managed very nicely.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Although I would like to add that she defriends everyone that she was telling about the OM. They are the enemy to your marriage. If after that she has any friends left, I think she can still do a GNO, just differently. My GNO's usually consist of everyone bringing appetizers over, we socialize with some wine and often watch a movie with some popcorn. Husbands are allowed, they do their thing upstairs but watch sports and care for the kids. Which is perfect because they are the DD for the wives. Our GNO are only to get some time away from family responsibilities and have some girl time. You can call going to the bar with gf's anything you want, but in reality it's partying it up pure and simple, something that married men and women shouldn't be doing.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

chapparal said:


> GNO/BNO is one of the most toxic things that can happen in a relationship.


AMEN to that!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to find out who the 2nd OM she is contact is, so you can find out if they are still in contact.

Has she reached out to you as an OM?


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## Playtrip (Aug 18, 2011)

All right, boys and girls.
I left out a key component in my playback from two nights ago.
My wife was relentless in questioning how I found out. 
I just ignored her, or told her to drop it, but when she asked me if I "punked" her, she got me.
I told her the whole ugly truth. 
She was very happy it was me. She was relieved. She even started to call me by the OM pet name :smcowboy:

I wouldve loved to have been able to continue the ruse and monitor her.
But the main reason I didnt wait until after Thanksgiving was I was tired of it, and it was starting to wear on me. It was kind of fun, especially in the beginning, but It was really starting to make her anxious and upset too. Remember that even though I was ready to call it quits, I still love my wife.

Now for more fun.....

This morning she hit me with "i feel violated".


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I hope that's a joke... SHE feels violated?!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> I hope that's a joke... SHE feels violated?!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She really meant disappointed. As in date night with new OM is off.

:rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

SHE feels violated??? YOU should feel violated!! And tell her as much! She had NO clue that *he* was you!

So SHE was having an affair with *someone else*. YOU were having an affair with your wife!

She should feel like she is on notice that any man that contacts her online and attempts to initiate an affair could be YOU testing her loyalties.

I would be p*ssed if I was in your shoes and my WS told me they felt violated! You were checking to see if she would have another affair... and sadly you were proven that she would.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Remember back to the start - she went on a forum fishing for men.

Also remember there is an OM2 in the picture.

Violated isn't what she should be feeling. 

Deeply humiliated and embarrassed that both of you found out she is the kind of woman who, despite having a loving husband, is quite capable of cheating.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

This is the part where you MAN UP and let her know what those boundaries of yours are. Tell her, whether or not it was you, she CHOSE to pursue other men (2) AFTER she was caught in an EA. 

Ask her to think about how that makes you feel. Tell her that you are still not sure you still want to be married to her.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

She meant to have a relationship with someone other than her husband. You took that way from her. How will she know that future online relationships aren't you? What a violation!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sindo (Oct 29, 2011)

Does she think that she was tricked into cheating? Bull****. She had two online OMs, and only one of them was fake.

It's just lucky your OM got to her first.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

plus she signed up for the account in the first place


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## Playtrip (Aug 18, 2011)

Haha.
You guys are a riot. I knew that would start an avalanche of comments. :rofl:

Her statement didnt really bother me. 
Im in a pretty good place right now, much thanks to Athol.


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## Playtrip (Aug 18, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Deeply humiliated and embarrassed that both of you found out she is the kind of woman who, despite having a loving husband, is quite capable of cheating.


This is also very true. She said this also. Humiliated and embarrassed are the exact word she used.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Playtrip - I would recommend you ask her an open ended question of how she will prevent this from ever happening again in the future, with the ability to be transparent and open.


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## Playtrip (Aug 18, 2011)

Dad, 
I actually tried to open discussion last night on both those topics specifically, but we were exhausted from the day before.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Please make sure she realizes that her notice still applies and you are leaning in the direction that she's probably not have what it takes to make this right, so she better start talking.


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## Sindo (Oct 29, 2011)

Dadof3 said:


> Please make sure she realizes that her notice still applies and you are leaning in the direction that she's probably not have what it takes to make this right, so she better start talking.


Talking about what? He already knows everything.


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## Playtrip (Aug 18, 2011)

I will.
Another thing. She wants to reread all the texts with the OM, since she deleted them and I kept them. 
She is disputing some of the things she said, particularly about OM2, and she wants to verify it. At least, that is the reason she gave me.
I dont know if I should be concerned by that.
I have a feeling I shouldnt give up control of that info, but maybe it would be a good chance to communicate things if we do it together.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Playtrip said:


> I will.
> Another thing. She wants to reread all the texts with the OM, since she deleted them and I kept them.
> She is disputing some of the things she said, particularly about OM2, and she wants to verify it. At least, that is the reason she gave me.
> I dont know if I should be concerned by that.


Yes. You should. Very concerned.

She is just doing damage control. She wants to know what you know, and how to frame it or what she can rewrite, deny or twist.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Yea - pull out the - "sorry - but you don't get to know what I know" card. This will help keep her honest in reconciliation if she's truly sincere. 

She wants to do damage control, gaslight and blame shift where she can. She gets nothing but to start acting the part of a repentant wife.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Playtrip said:


> I will.
> Another thing. She wants to reread all the texts with the OM, since she deleted them and I kept them.
> She is disputing some of the things she said, particularly about OM2, and she wants to verify it. At least, that is the reason she gave me.


Do not let her read them. She needs to know everything that you know so that she can rewrite history and lie to you better. She also needs to know what you know about OM2 (a real OM that is not you) so that she can cover her tracks better with him. Her "i feel violated" line is only the beginning of her spin control and history rewriting. 

Encrypt them and keep a backup copy of them, but do not let her see them.


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## Sindo (Oct 29, 2011)

Playtrip, did you give her the impression you had OM2's chat logs?


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

I'm confused as to how this is all starting to look like some kind of a lighthearted little misunderstanding. She premeditated a scheme to have sex with a strange man at a hotel. But it turned out to really be you. What a riot.

:scratchhead:

Am I misreading something?


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

You realize of course that she is in damage control and playing you.


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## Playtrip (Aug 18, 2011)

Sindo said:


> Playtrip, did you give her the impression you had OM2's chat logs?


No, I just told her that she refers to OM2 twice while in conversation with OM1.
She is not convinced that I am not posing as OM2.
She keeps asking me if I am him.


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## Playtrip (Aug 18, 2011)

Mr K, 
It must be a comment by me that you have an issue with. 
Which one?


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## Playtrip (Aug 18, 2011)

bryanp said:


> You realize of course that she is in damage control and playing you.


You forget who the player is here bryanp. 
Like I said, I feel pretty comfortable about myself. I'm not crying about my marriage, weeping in self pity, wondering how I'm gonna win my wife back.

I understand that is usually how it plays out here on this website. I was at that place this summer so I know, believe me.
Its not that I dont want to reconcile with my wife and work this out. Its just that I have a lot of confidence in myself.

I let you guys know it when I hear a comment that's entertaining. 
Maybe thats where the "light-heartedness" comes from, i dont know.


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## Yardman (Sep 10, 2011)

I was half expecting to hear that you had wild passionate sex after indulging in Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yardman said:


> I was half expecting to hear that you had wild passionate sex after indulging in Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain


lolll I had asked if they liked pina coladas :smthumbup:


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Playtrip said:


> She is not convinced that I am not posing as OM2.
> She keeps asking me if I am him.


 Since you know that you are not the other man, this just confirms that there really is a OM2 that she was cheating with. You faking her out as OM1 not only let you know about OM2, but also let you know how unfaithful she is willing to be (drinks and a hotel room). There is nothing wrong with you acting as an OM to see if your wife is a cheater. The police send people to prison every day doing similar things and no one says that they are wrong or unethical for doing so.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Playtrip said:


> Mr K,
> It must be a comment by me that you have an issue with.
> Which one?


It was this one.



Playtrip said:


> All right, boys and girls.
> I left out a key component in my playback from two nights ago.
> My wife was relentless in questioning how I found out.
> I just ignored her, or told her to drop it, but when she asked me if I "punked" her, she got me.
> ...


It just seemed a little too light hearted. "Oh, so it was really YOU that I was going to **** at that hotel, all while hiding it from YOU. What a co-inky-dink! Am I blushing, stud-boy"?

Calling you the pet name she was using with the man she was going to screw? And you laugh it off with her? That's the part I am missing.


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## Patricia B. Pina (Nov 22, 2011)

You have lose your wife trust.
It will take a lot of effort to get it back.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Patricia B. Pina said:


> You have lose your wife trust.
> It will take a lot of effort to get it back.


And how, pray tell, do you think the husband feels?


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Patricia B. Pina said:


> You have lose your wife trust.
> It will take a lot of effort to get it back.


Yes because in a good marriage it is all about earning a cheaters trust back after you learn that they were cheating; in fact anything that you learn while snooping cannot be used against them because cheating is a small crime when compared to the more serious crime of snooping. NOT!!!!!!!!!!


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Patricia B. Pina said:


> You have lose your wife trust.
> It will take a lot of effort to get it back.


Guys, don't take this Patricia person too seriously. She's posted on a bunch of threads, nothing of substance, in most cases clearly hadn't read the threads. Probably trying to boost post count for some reason.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Playtrip said:


> Okay. My wife had a 6 month emotional affair that just started to get physical when I managed to put a stop to it in June. We both joined this online community a month ago. My wife was getting a lot of attention and flirting. I still had some trust issues so I created an alias account to test her. The relationship grew into this mess.
> I have to admit it was exciting for me too. After all, this other man was actually me. She couldnt have an affair with a photo on the internet, right? It was me she was having an affair with.
> 
> Meanwhile, our real relationship, on the surface, is doing pretty well. We have known each other for 23 years, married for 19. I love her, and there is no question she loves me.
> ...





Playtrip said:


> *We are more close now than we have been in years. *We communicate constantly, even discussing our feelings for other people. But she has never mentioned the OM. She asks me general questions like, "do i ever wonder what it would be like to be with someone else", and "could I sleep with a stranger" that kind of crap. When I ask her, she says, "shes not dead", but there is no one in particular that she thinks of.
> Meanwhile the sex has been great the past four months and did ramp up slightly since the online EA. She is definitely more sexually charged up.



Here are your posts from earlier.

Now you have to wonder when she's close to you or when you're having the best sex if she has another man on the side.

Or, it seems to me, since you like the game, your wife should now be more encouraged, as time goes by, to see if she can do this again to spice up her life when she gets bored.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

You really have to take this whole situation more seriously. She tried to meet up with OM, which is actually you but she did not know. So, now it turns out you, and you guys laugh about it since her affair was with her H? Are you all right in your head?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

The fact that OM1 is you is irrelevant. Her *INTENT* was to cheat. This is not in any way okay and can be swept under the rug.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

She's already got that toxic idea in her head: "Hmmm...maybe I really CAN do better than him..."


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## Playtrip (Aug 18, 2011)

I guess I am not taking this as seriously as I probably should, or at least as seriously as most of you think I need to. 
I think that I have come to accept the fact that I really cant change her or force her to feel the way I want her too. I have told her what the repercussions will be if she cheats on me, and its up to her to make a commitment and decide whats best.

Also, the comments that she was happy, did not reflect on me. I did not express it that way, I was merely pointing out how she re-acted. I think there are a few people reading this who were interested in how she would react. I also noted her comment the next morning for the same reason.
As it stands, right now I still, for obvious reasons, have some big trust issues with her. 
She seems to be trying to earn it back. She has agreed to staying off the computer, she gives me full access to her phone, and she makes sure to let me know where she is.

I still have some other issues though. 
One being, with the more attention I get, the more I will wonder if it is real, or if it is a byproduct of her interest in someone else.

Finally, I want to make one more comment.
I understand that she intentionally did it with someone other than her husband. The intent was there, and she did it of her own free will. 
But it bothers me less that she did it. What I'm interested in is why.
The easy answer is she was bored with me and the marriage. But she says its not. At least she wont admit it as such.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Those are great questions, Playtrip. Maybe time to head to the marriage counselor / individual counselor for some discussion. I would bring those questions with you as the focus or starting point.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Well, you really aren't taking it seriously this time because OM was you, although she didn't know it at the time. So lets say that OM wasn't you and she had went to meet him in the real world and something happened. I bet you would take it very seriously then.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Book her on MC and see how she explain this to the counselor. She is not to be trusted. Showing affections now is nothing more than just damage control. Like you said, maybe this is who she is. If so, can you live the rest of your life living with a spouse like this? Tell her if any more suspicious behavior is noted in the future, you will demand her to take polygraph. That should make some serious impact on her wayward thinking.


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## Playtrip (Aug 18, 2011)

I have a strong feeling a MC would rip into me for testing her like I did. Especially considering how she felt "violated". 
Maybe thats exactly what needs to happen.


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## Playtrip (Aug 18, 2011)

SadC, Demand her to take a polygraph? Seriously?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Playtrip said:


> I have a strong feeling a MC would rip into me for testing her like I did. Especially considering how she felt "violated".
> Maybe thats exactly what needs to happen.


This is why you have to shop around for the right MC. Many MCs dont specialize in dealing with infidelity, and would only end up like you said, ripping into you and just validating what she did. If you go to one, and this happens, fire him/her. But you should call them and ask about how they deal with infidelity before booking the first appointment. The forum is littered with stories where the couple go to MC, only to for the WS to come out of there feeling validated.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Playtrip said:


> SadC, Demand her to take a polygraph? Seriously?


Oh, yeah. If she is willing, of course. People think poly is to dig out the truth, but what people don't realize is that it also has another beneficial side effect. It make WS realize that their dirty truth can always be dragged out with such tool. This realization shatters their thinking they can take some secrets to their grave with no way of anybody knowing. 

Some people have this mindset that as long as it doesn't get found out, they can get away with anything pretending all is good. These kinds of people are just sleeping time bomb and you cannot trust them no matter how good they are behaving right now. Exposure to poly can really help fix this mentality.

Of course, the chances are high that she will balk at such demand. It is really your call to try that route. It may seem extreme, but if she agrees, I guarantee you the benefit is worth the money in your sitch.


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## Playtrip (Aug 18, 2011)

Ok. Thanks to both of you for your advice.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Forgot to add that part that LM added about shopping for the right one. At least my heart was in the right place, right?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Despite the advice on MC, believe it or not, my fWW and I haven't been to MC. For one thing, our insurance doesn't cover it and we don't have that kind of money right now. Another is after reading the horror stories on here about sh!tty MCs, SurvivingInfidelity, and some other sites, the absolutely last thing I need is to have some MC validate my fWWs EA. I would certainly lose it in that office. Yeah, I still a have a little anger lingering from the anger stage. 

The finances preclude me from shopping around for MCs too. Besides, I've read quite a few stories of MCs merely confirming the advice that I've read here all along. Heck, it seems sometimes that being in this forum and other infidelity supports sites, can be just as good as an MC, and the best part about it is that it's free advice. There's many wise people here on the interwebs and it seems you can get the same great advice without paying $125 and hour (or whatever the going rate is).


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I think MC works best if you have two people willing to work on things but don't have the ability or tools to express themselves in a safe environment


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## Playtrip (Aug 18, 2011)

Well, although my wife thinks its a good idea, our schedules and resources make it difficult at this point. We are tabling it for now. 

Sometimes the amount of work a marriage takes is almost too much. Last night I got to the point (again) where I was ready to throw in the towel. 
You'd think after 20 years I wouldve had it all figured out.

p.s. thanks for the input Dad!


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

So what happened last night that had you fit-to-be-tied?


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## Playtrip (Aug 18, 2011)

It shouldnt have been a big deal, really. I did the romantic text thing all day. The wife responded to it well. I was really excited to get home and see her.
So when I get home, she is in bed with her eyes closed.
I get almost no reaction from her. She barely opens her eyes and says she is really tired. 
I was a little butthurt, and I didnt handle it well. 
A couple of hours later, after dinner, I told her I bought some concert tickets for a Sunday night and she got upset that I would plan something when she had to work the next day.

I know I shouldve ignored it both things, waited a little while and worked on her more, but for some reason it pissed me off.

So before bed, we have a fight, where she tells me I dont pay attention to her needs. 

haha.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

So you try to woo her back, being all romantic and all that, and the result is she brushes you off. You should have told us you were going to do that, because we could have saved you the heartache of what she was obviously going to do to you.

She has no fear of losing you. But you're being a very attentive puppy to her that she can play head games with.

Look, it never works trying to woo her back when she's still in the fog. Do you want to try this again? 

Wash, rinse, repeat.


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## Playtrip (Aug 18, 2011)

lol.
Well, dont worry about that. 
My romantic text experiment is done.

And as far as the concert tickets are concerned, she changed her tune when I told her I would find someone else to go with. Now, she wants to go.
That was after she called me "smug" three times.


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## Playtrip (Aug 18, 2011)

Update for those that are interested.

Well, even though she originally denied OM2, it turns out she did have an online thing for another guy. I kept her offline for the past two weeks, but the minute I went out of town she spent about 4 hours texting OM2. 

I busted her. It was easy since I know all her passwords. She said she only texted him because she thought it was actually me all along, blah blah blah. Nothing really happened, blah blah blah. She hasnt actually physically done anything, blah blah blah.
Based on the text, however, I do think OM2 sent her A complete frontal nude photo, but I cant prove it.

The OM2 has supposedly "backed off" now,(hes married) and she insists that Im the only one for her and she loves me. She says it just makes her feel good to know that other men find her attractive. She says its harmless fun.
Its not much fun for me though.
To some degree I regret not following through with the original "date" between me and her. Then I would be sure. I know that some posters stated as such.

We dont have time right now to do counseling. I have threatened to move out, but the threats are becoming more hollow each time.

Any suggestions would be appreciated? Any tongue lashings are expected.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

bust her. she is still gaslighting you. I smell a rug sweep? Any one concur?

dude, she's a serial cheater. I think most of us like or think it is awesome to feel like we are still desired by others. Problem is, when we took the marriage vows, we vowed to hold each other to the exclusion of ALL OTHERS. 

Unless you guys missed that part of your vows - she's up to BAD BEHAVIOR again, and how long do you want to be her babysitter. 

Wait until she develops a thing with a guy who's fairly IT saavy and teaches her to beat all of your spy devices and take it underground. want to live with that?

you haven't given her any severe consequences up to this point. 

Drop the Hammer.


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## Playtrip (Aug 18, 2011)

I already busted her. 

More specficially Dad?


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Playtrip: What are you boundaries? what are the consequences of your W crossing those boundaries?

If you don't know what to do - then you don't really have any. Maybe this isn't as big of a deal as you think it is. Maybe you are ok with this. 

What I'm trying to say, is that only you can decide what you will do about this.

when I said "bust her", I meant you need to administer your consequences now. draw up divorce papers? what do you think YOU should do?

As far as Reconcilation - doesn't look like any's happening. She's just biding her time. She's more patient than you are. Breaking NC as soon as you leave town.

You definitely need to get a hold of the OM2 W and let her know whats going on, otherwise you will have a hell of a time having a decent marriage with your W with this guy always in the background, waiting for you to leave again.

My W had a very mild EA 4 years ago. It was rug swept and her and I were dealing with her EA "fog" since. She had an exit strategy and treated me like a walking wallet, wouldn't engage in any affection - even around our children, sex was a chore while she had this idea that she'd be better off leaving once kids were grown. 

Only until several months ago when I "manned up" and let her know what was acceptable and not for me, did things start to improve. My W knows my boundaries now. My W still could leave me when our kids are grown. It would be hard, but I've learned to deal with it and learned to draw the line on what's required to stay in the marriage from this point on.

When things are rug swept (no consequences), it is never really done and your marriage *WILL* suffer.

She will just outlast you.


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## Playtrip (Aug 18, 2011)

Well, OM2 and his wife have a whole separate set of issues. Supposedly she's not real happy and has a hall pass.

The consequences were that I would move out. But I dont think texting is serious enough to warrant that. 

I think drawing up divorce papers makes more sense. 

This may sound silly, but I did threaten to sell her car. I bought her a new sports car before any of this happened. Its in my name.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Don't threaten. Just do it. Don't use it against W, just say things have changed and you have to start making plans to be by yourself cause she doesn't seem to have a inkling of fidelity in her body.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

well OM2 W should still know. If she's OK with it, fine, but how do you know it's as bad as they say?

Remember, cheaters lie and rewrite history to make them sound justified in cheating. Don't assume. Reveal to OM2 wife.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Reveal to your W parents too, if they haven't passed.


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## Joanie (Oct 24, 2010)

Dadof3 said:


> Reveal to your W parents too, if they haven't passed.


I don't really understand why anyone would need to tell the wayward spouses parents? Maybe it's just me, but it just seems kind of childish....."I'm telling your mother"! Come on people, we are all adults. Deal with it without involving the poor parents.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Joanie said:


> I don't really understand why anyone would need to tell the wayward spouses parents? Maybe it's just me, but it just seems kind of childish....."I'm telling your mother"! Come on people, we are all adults. Deal with it without involving the poor parents.


Because they still have influence and sometimes can bring a wayward spouse to their senses. The more people you expose the affair to the more uncomfortable it becomes to continue the affair. Affairs thrive in secrecy. Blow the secrecy and often you blow the affair.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

:iagree:
One must find the support from the in laws that will support the marriage. Exposing to her perant will also prevent him from looking like the bad guy, when it is her that is commiting adultory.

Its not a matter of taddle taling, but support for the marriage!


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## Walt (Jul 17, 2011)

Playtrip said:


> Well, OM2 and his wife have a whole separate set of issues. Supposedly she's not real happy and has a hall pass.


And this is relevant, why? How does that justify what you WW did?




Playtrip said:


> The consequences were that I would move out. But I dont think texting is serious enough to warrant that.



Waywards are like kids - if there aren't consequences, they will do it again and again. Be strong.



Playtrip said:


> I think drawing up divorce papers makes more sense.


Yep.


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