# Wife doesn't want our future kids to attend church with my family



## pharmag (Nov 2, 2012)

Back Story:
I was raised in a particular faith and church, but I have since chosen to go a separate way from that faith and church. I do not agree with some of their practices or teachings and have chosen my own path. My parents, however, still hold to those beliefs, and while I respect their right to believe as they wish, they do have the ability to make one feel "wrong" for not believing the same way as them. Having grown up with it, it does not bother me too much; in fact, you could maybe say I am guilty of excusing the behaviour, a tendency I have tried to overcome. However, this has been a very problematic issue for my wife who was raised in a different faith.

Problem:
We have been married almost a year, and we do not have kids, nor or they in our immediate future. However, we are both planners and talk about it from time to time. Every time we seem to get in the same fight. Due to my wife's issues with my parent's religion and the way it makes her feel, she wants to set some boundaries up. While I wholeheartedly agree with that premise, one of the boundaries she wants to establish is that our kids cannot go to church with my parents. 

I have some serious conflicting feelings regarding this. While I do not agree with what they practice, I do not feel comfortable telling my parents that they cannot take my kids to their church. I feel as if in essence I am doing to them exactly what they do to me (make me feel "wrong" for what I believe), and I am a firm believer in "the golden rule" so to speak. 

Am I being unrealistic with this? Does anyone have any idea or experience dealing with an issue like this and do they have any advice? I would really appreciate any help, as I do not want this to be a constant issue (or a contributing factor in a decision to not have kids).


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think it is reasonable for a parent to put limits on what religious situatioins they want their children exposed to. 

There are some I can think of that I would not allow my children tob be involved in.

Since you do not share what it is about your parent's religion/church that you do not like and that your wife feels so strongly against, I'm going to err on the side of caution and say that your wife is reasonable setting a rule that you parents cannot take your children to their church. There are some very odd religious sects out there and children are very impressionable.

I think that your issue is that you don't want to have to tell your parents this. You really do not need to tell them at all, especially not now. Even once the children come, if they ask to take the children to church you can just say that you already have plans.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Of course your wife is right on many levels.

First of all, the children will be confused by having their grandparents attempt to force one religion on them that their own parents are against. This would be terrible for the children and cause great conflict within your marriage between you and your wife.

Second of all, it is the job of a Father and a Mother to create the faiths, values and belief systems within their familes. You cannot and shoudl not outsource this to grandparents.

The exception would be that for certain special events, the children can be permitted to attend a different chuch along with you and your wife.

Your wife wants to see you step up and be a leader and stand up to what you yourself have decided you are against. I doubt she will agree to have a child with you if she sees you say you are againast a religion imposed upon you by your parents, but refuse to stand up to your parents when it comes to your potential children.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

pharmag said:


> While I do not agree with what they practice, I do not feel comfortable telling my parents that they cannot take my kids to their church.


This sentence sums up your problem.

There are absolutely churches I would never ever allow my kids to step one foot in as long as they are under my control. Then there are other churches I'd be okay with them going on special holidays. And as parents my husband and I get to make these choices.

Overall I'm against organized religion so I'm not a fan of any church but have no problem with it in moderation and I'm a christian.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I think the thing you need to think about is - if you are uncomfortable with the judgmental nature of your parent's faith - how would you feel if that value was instilled in your children? Which is likely at least part of your wife's concern. 

If you feel uncomfortable with tenets of your parents faith, why would you purposefully expose your children to it, just to take a moral high road, or to avoid having an awkward conversation. 

You should agree with your wife about what faith to raise your children in, not neccessarily with your parents.


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