# Wife wants to move son out of state



## JohnBlaze (Jul 18, 2021)

What's good everyone? I'm hoping to get some words of wisdom on how I should deal with my situation.

Currently living in Georgia, married with 1 child, my wife and I decided that we should divorce. It has gone it's course. At first we talked about an uncontested divorce, smooth transition, alot cheaper, etc. The more we have talked about it however, the more we do not agree on everything. 2 main issues: Moving our son out of state after the divorce and the rental property, which I purchased before we married but lived in it together afterwards for multiple years. Wasn't a rental at the time.

Child out of state: We are currently in Georgia and she will have primary custody...I agree she should... and wants to move back home to Florida. My son...7 years old.... will be about a 4 hour drive away. The more I think about it I'm thinking no, I cannot agree to her taking him. What would I see my son, 6 days a month if that? Maybe 8? If a judge decides, so be it. Out here he has great schools, great quality of life, nice house. She doesn't make alot of money so his quality of life will suffer tremendously and will not be moving to the best of places. She says she has no family support out here, doesn't really know anybody, which is true. She doesn't want to stay. I'm thinking about fighting the move in the divorce, which I know will go from around a $1500 uncontested divorce to probably over 10K, and she could still be allowed to take my son away. And I have been told I might have to cover her legal costs since she can't afford it. I spoke to a lawyer briefly. I am active duty military and we have been out here for about 18 months. Not sure what the best play is here.

The rental property: I purchased it when we were together in Colorado but not married yet. We got married and lived there until I had to move out here. She says she should get half so she will have money to support our son since she doesn't make alot of money. I worked damn hard to secure that property and she didn't contribute 1 penny to it. No joint account, never gave me money for payments. This thing might have went from uncontested to messy. I would appreciate any thoughts.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You need to lawyer up because she’s walking over you.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Can you, as a father, really really think about what is best for him. Honestly. Forget who paid for what, really just think about it. Is HE going to be ok living four hours away with his mum, where there are friends, family, a cheaper life for mum (no kid wants a mum to struggle). If your wife is not the partying type, she’s a good mum, you want mum to be ok so she can do a good job. Is this better for YOUR son?

Technology means we can have more contact than ever. If your ex is responsible, do the right thing.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

JohnBlaze said:


> What would I see my son, 6 days a month if that? Maybe 8?


Why did you not ask for shared custody?

If it's 6-8 days a month (every other weekend), that's doable whether he's living in Georgia or Florida.




JohnBlaze said:


> Out here he has great schools, great quality of life, nice house. She doesn't make alot of money so his quality of life will suffer tremendously and will not be moving to the best of places


Will she able to afford that "nice" house in Georgia without your financial support if she doesn't make a lot of money? What about the maintenance on it? Will she be able to keep the grass mowed, power on, and the house in one piece without your help.

Most divorced people will tell you that nothing stays the same after a divorce. Everyone's quality of life gets worse. Some are able to improve it but they usually have to make tough decisions like moving away to be with family, sleeping on air mattresses, and selling a beloved home to afford life.



JohnBlaze said:


> She says she has no family support out here, doesn't really know anybody, which is true





JohnBlaze said:


> I am active duty military and we have been out here for about 18 months.


It sounds like living in Georgia was due to a reassignment for you. You've only been there 18 months so it's not like you've set roots. Knowing plenty of active duty military, they get reassigned to different bases every 2-4 years, like clockwork. The life of a military family is nomadic by nature. What will happen to her and your son after you're divorced and reassigned again in a year or two? Do you expect her to move to your new State?

What about deployments? Any chance you'll be deployed long term (> 1 month) ?

It's my opinion based on the things I mentioned above that you don't fight her move back to Florida. If she is going to be the primary custodial parent with majority custody, then she needs a support network. Her family can fill that need. They can also help her get her feet under her financially of needed. 


There are also too many unknowns for you at this time with the military. It's only 4 hours away. 

Ask to split the travel time so it's just 2 hours a piece during your weekends.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Luckylucky said:


> Can you, as a father, really really think about what is best for him. Honestly. Forget who paid for what, really just think about it. Is HE going to be ok living four hours away with his mum, where there are friends, family, a cheaper life for mum (no kid wants a mum to struggle). If your wife is not the partying type, she’s a good mum, you want mum to be ok so she can do a good job. Is this better for YOUR son?
> 
> Technology means we can have more contact than ever. If your ex is responsible, do the right thing.


Whats best for the child is having BOTH parents physically present, if possible. And it's possible, so that's that.

Yes, @JohnBlaze, get a lawyer. You should settle for nothing less that 50-50 custody. Meaning, you have kiddo 50% of the time and your wife the other 50%. Which would be awfully hard 4 hrs or more apart. Also, you do NOT want to deal with interstate court and child support systems. Court and support generally go with where the child resides. So, once she and kiddo move to Georgia it would be Georgia's state laws you'd be subject to and dealing with.


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## JohnBlaze (Jul 18, 2021)

Andy1001 said:


> You need to lawyer up because she’s walking over you.


I have spoken to a lawyer and was advised to wait until early next year to start the process since at the time we were opting for an uncontested divorce. Alot less time. Regardless of how it all goes down, our son will be finishing out the school year so we won't split until around July or August of next year. Now that the divorce might be contested, I will be starting this process alot sooner. Why do you say she is walking all over me? How would you try to set it all up?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

The likely reason he acquiesced in custody is because he is active military, and will not remain in Georgia much longer. 

OP, what happens when it is time to PCS in another 6-18 months? Or are you intending to ETS?

Gauging by your mentioning of the assignment in Colorado, you are on at least your second enlistment. This means you have some limitations on what you can do for reenlistment. Best case scenario, even if you get reenlistment for current duty station, it is only guaranteed for what...an additional 12 months? Or 24?

If you intend to stay in the military, it is probably best to both allow her to move to Florida and allow her primary custody as you could be assigned literally anywhere. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## JohnBlaze (Jul 18, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> Can you, as a father, really really think about what is best for him. Honestly. Forget who paid for what, really just think about it. Is HE going to be ok living four hours away with his mum, where there are friends, family, a cheaper life for mum (no kid wants a mum to struggle). If your wife is not the partying type, she’s a good mum, you want mum to be ok so she can do a good job. Is this better for YOUR son?
> 
> Technology means we can have more contact than ever. If your ex is responsible, do the right thing.


What is best for him is seeing his father regularly. That means not just every other weekend. It's those random days driving and picking him up from schooI. Spending some time with him on a Wednesday night taking him out to eat. Going to his sports practices and games, school plays, etc. on weekday nights. The little things that I will miss, and what he will miss is what hurts the most. But I get your point. She is a good mom and he will be taken care of out of state. Closer to family and support for the both of them. She will probably struggle financially wherever she goes anyway. At least she will have support back home.


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## JohnBlaze (Jul 18, 2021)

farsidejunky said:


> The likely reason he acquiesced in custody is because he is active military, and will not remain in Georgia much longer.
> 
> OP, what happens when it is time to PCS in another 6-18 months? Or are you intending to ETS?
> 
> ...


I didn't acquiesce anything at this point. Still in the conversation phase. As far as my career, this assignment is my last stop. I am at the bottom end of my career, eligible to retire in 3 years and I am locked into a position that I will retire from. I will not deploy because of the position, so the normal challenges with military relocation and family would not apply to my situation.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Have you thought about where you will go after you get out?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

JohnBlaze said:


> I didn't acquiesce anything at this point. Still in the conversation phase. As far as my career, this assignment is my last stop. I am at the bottom end of my career, eligible to retire in 3 years and I am locked into a position that I will retire from. I will not deploy because of the position, so the normal challenges with military relocation and family would not apply to my situation.


This clarifies things.

Let's assume that you will have to pay for attorneys fees for both you and your wife, because it is not uncommon when only one spouse has income, or when one has substantially less than the other. 

Is the juice worth the squeeze?

If so, go for it. 

Seems pretty cut and dry.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

JohnBlaze said:


> What's good everyone? I'm hoping to get some words of wisdom on how I should deal with my situation.
> 
> Currently living in Georgia, married with 1 child, my wife and I decided that we should divorce. It has gone it's course. At first we talked about an uncontested divorce, smooth transition, alot cheaper, etc. The more we have talked about it however, the more we do not agree on everything. 2 main issues: Moving our son out of state after the divorce and the rental property, which I purchased before we married but lived in it together afterwards for multiple years. Wasn't a rental at the time.
> 
> ...


Most states have a mile limit, but I'm not finding one for Georgia, so it is up to the court. Why don't you want 50/50 custody like has become the norm in the US? Then you would both equally share responsibilities of child rearing. I'm afraid the fact you willingly gave her custody is going to weigh on the judge's mind that you don't much care, which makes it more likely she'll rule in the custodial parent's favor, though certainly not a guarantee. 

Georgia is not a community property state, so that rental property is yours UNLESS she either spent either her money or man hours working on it, maintaining it, taking care of the collection of rent,


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## JohnBlaze (Jul 18, 2021)

Lila said:


> Why did you not ask for shared custody?
> 
> If it's 6-8 days a month (every other weekend), that's doable whether he's living in Georgia or Florida.
> 
> ...





Openminded said:


> Have you thought about where you will go after you get out?


I will try to move to FLA to be close to family or I could end up staying out here. Depends on the job situation.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

JohnBlaze said:


> What is best for him is seeing his father regularly. That means not just every other weekend. *It's those random days driving and picking him up from schooI*. Spending some time with him on a Wednesday night taking him out to eat. Going to his sports practices and games, school plays, etc. on weekday nights. The little things that I will miss, and what he will miss is what hurts the most. But I get your point. She is a good mom and he will be taken care of out of state. Closer to family and support for the both of them. She will probably struggle financially wherever she goes anyway. At least she will have support back home.


So I bolded a line in your post that i think you need to discuss with your ex. In Georgia, you'll have to take a mandatory parenting class in order to finalize your divorce. You'll learn there are three types of co parenting relationships:

1. High conflict co-parenting. Communication is often done through lawyers or other family members, and when not – it is highly toxic. This is one where couples spend a lot of money going back and forth to court. 

2. Parallel parenting. This is the most common. Parenting is done very separately and rarely discuss parenting matters with each other. If they do talk – it’s very business-like, and no personal exchanges or information is shared. *There is often a parenting plan in place and no changes are allowed without following strict guidelines that are usually in place including sufficient notice and a written agreement. *

3. Cooperative and collaborative co-parenting. Least common. This co-parenting style involves very low conflict, mutual respect, good and open communication, co-operation, collaboration and talking through and sharing parenting decisions. 

Your bolded line speaks to #3. If you have a #1 or #2, you will not be allowed to pick up your child from school on non custodial days without his mother's prior approval. 

The best way I know to guarantee time with your child is to ask for shared custody, or as close to it as possible. You could have more say over the day to day activities in his life and you won't have to worry about your ex taking your kid to another state with the judge's blessing. 

Are you interested in getting shared custody?


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## JohnBlaze (Jul 18, 2021)

Lila said:


> So I bolded a line in your post that i think you need to discuss with your ex. In Georgia, you'll have to take a mandatory parenting class in order to finalize your divorce. You'll learn there are three types of co parenting relationships:
> 
> 1. High conflict co-parenting. Communication is often done through lawyers or other family members, and when not – it is highly toxic. This is one where couples spend a lot of money going back and forth to court.
> 
> ...


You are correct when stating the relationship will be #3. My soon to be ex and I are on good terms, remain cordial, and both of us want what is best for our son. That means both parents being in his life as much as possible. Her biggest reason for the move, which I understand, is the fear of being on her own out here with no family to help. It is more expensive where we are too. She has never been on her own. To answer your question, yes I would like shared custody.


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## JohnBlaze (Jul 18, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Most states have a mile limit, but I'm not finding one for Georgia, so it is up to the court. Why don't you want 50/50 custody like has become the norm in the US? Then you would both equally share responsibilities of child rearing. I'm afraid the fact you willingly gave her custody is going to weigh on the judge's mind that you don't much care, which makes it more likely she'll rule in the custodial parent's favor, though certainly not a guarantee.
> 
> Georgia is not a community property state, so that rental property is yours UNLESS she either spent either her money or man hours working on it, maintaining it, taking care of the collection of rent,


I don't think I ever said I didn't want 50/50 custody. Perhaps I didn't articulate it properly or fully understood the definition of the term and how it works. I understand it now. She wouldn't be the primary custodial parent if she stayed out here....it would be 50 50 since they would be close. If she moves then she becomes primary, which is a different situation. Thank you for helping me get that clarified.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

JohnBlaze said:


> I don't think I ever said I didn't want 50/50 custody. Perhaps I didn't articulate it properly or fully understood the definition of the term and how it works. I understand it now. She wouldn't be the primary custodial parent if she stayed out here....it would be 50 50 since they would be close. If she moves then she becomes primary, which is a different situation. Thank you for helping me get that clarified.


Oh, well, just tell her no, that you want 50/50. You will have the children 2 1/2 days per week and then one weekend day, and so will she. You will each do everything for them during that time like taking off work when the school beckons, and it leaves you 3 1/2 days off for your work or leisure. That dispenses with the "moving out of state" notion, because you don't agree to not seeing your kids, period. That leaves her 3 1/2 days to work or leisure OR travel out of state to see whoever it is she wants to see there. Or she can take the kids out of state the time she has them, but I'm assuming she will be working full time or she won't have any way to support them. If you do full 50/50, you shouldn't have any ongoing support payments because you're each equal.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I doubt she’ll come back to Georgia if her family support is in Florida and that’s where she and your son are now. It doesn’t really benefit her to be in Georgia any more so I would think she gets primary until you’re out and have more flexibility about where you live. Right now you obviously don’t have any control over that.


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## JohnBlaze (Jul 18, 2021)

Openminded said:


> I doubt she’ll come back to Georgia if her family support is in Florida and that’s where she and your son are now. It doesn’t really benefit her to be in Georgia any more so I would think she gets primary until you’re out and have more flexibility about where you live. Right now you obviously don’t have any control over that.


We are all in Georgia right now. My son will be completing school out here this year and then me and my wife will finalize the divorce around that time. You are right though, if they were already gone ...no coming back.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@JohnBlaze ,

So just to clarify, right now you and your STBXW are not really contesting. You both agree there should be a divorce, and you both agree that the focus should be on what is best for your son. Cool.

Usually when a couple divorces, custody is shared 50/50 which means in some equal way that the children are at the parents' homes equally. It might be 2 1/2 days per week plus a weekend; it might be 1 week each; whatever--there are many options: 50/50 Custody & Visitation Schedules: Most Common Examples

Most courts are getting better at legally enforcing that children need BOTH parents--it's not perfect, but it's better. That means no one would have primary custody--you would SHARE custody. Your son would be with you and be your responsibility as much as your son would be with her and be her responsibility.

And since that's the case, many states have some limit in place that says something like "Parents can not move more than 60 miles away from each other without court approval." That means that you'd have to arrange to drive an hour...or you to would meet in the middle...or she'd arrange to drive an hour, but ultimately no one could live more than 60 miles or an hour's drive apart. To go BEYOND that limit, she would have to go to court and convince the judge that it is worthwhile to remove the child from regular visits with you and move XXX miles away. And you would have your chance to convince the judge that it is NOT worthwhile and that if she wants to move, she does so without the child!

If Georgia does not have a limit in their laws, you can speak to your STBXW and tell her you want to put one in your parenting plan. If the clause is included and the judge approves your plan, then that is what would be enforced. If she is deeply against it, you could include that you get 90 days notification and she needs your written consent before she can move more than 100 miles. That kinda protects you and her. If she gets stuck like a mule and refuses to give and take, then ask the court for a custody evaluation. That means that a court-ordered person--an evaluator--would visit both of your homes, see the nearby schools etc., consider friends and what is best for the child, visit with the child, and then make a recommendation to the court. See, if you suggest three reasonable requests (limit, notification and consent, and evaluation) and she throws back her ears and is stubborn, then YOU will look like the reasonable parent (because you are) and she will look like the parent who is not being reasonable (because she's not).

Make sense?


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

Even if you were open to seeing him every other weekend, letting them move to FL and she agreed to do all the driving, that still puts your son in car for 8 hours a weekend multiple times per month. That is just too much for a little kid. 

Do you think she would agree to table the discussion of that move until your retirement? There is an end date that is really not that far away and at that point you might actually want to go to FL too. I don’t know how you write that in a custody agreement but no moves more than x miles, and will be revisited on x/x/xx date seems reasonable.

Could you offer her 50% of the rental unit profit for 5 years or something like that so ownership remains with you but she gets some income to start over? That might make her more amenable to staying in the area longer and maybe not contesting.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

JohnBlaze said:


> I didn't acquiesce anything at this point. Still in the conversation phase. As far as my career, this assignment is my last stop. I am at the bottom end of my career, eligible to retire in 3 years and I am locked into a position that I will retire from. I will not deploy because of the position, so the normal challenges with military relocation and family would not apply to my situation.


In that case, get a badass lawyer and prepare to go to war. Do not let her move him out of state if you’re not ok with it.

And get the playing it nice/uncontested divorce idea out of your head. It’s a near-certainty that she won’t be playing nice and amicable. 
No need to be antagonistic or confrontational, but be ready to fight, before she starts swinging.


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## JohnBlaze (Jul 18, 2021)

Affaircare said:


> @JohnBlaze ,
> 
> So just to clarify, right now you and your STBXW are not really contesting. You both agree there should be a divorce, and you both agree that the focus should be on what is best for your son. Cool.
> 
> ...


I think I get what you are saying. I am trying to run through the process in my head. So when we initially go to court, I would lay out a parenting plan that I am comfortable with, and it is up to her to accept or decline? If she declines then what? Back to the drawing board and they schedule another court date, where I will request the evaluation? Do you know at what point she would have to outline where she will be living with our son? As of right now she doesn't have any place of her own to go....just with family. She might not be able to afford for own place for a few months at least.


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## JohnBlaze (Jul 18, 2021)

Bluesclues said:


> Even if you were open to seeing him every other weekend, letting them move to FL and she agreed to do all the driving, that still puts your son in car for 8 hours a weekend multiple times per month. That is just too much for a little kid.
> 
> Do you think she would agree to table the discussion of that move until your retirement? There is an end date that is really not that far away and at that point you might actually want to go to FL too. I don’t know how you write that in a custody agreement but no moves more than x miles, and will be revisited on x/x/xx date seems reasonable.
> 
> Could you offer her 50% of the rental unit profit for 5 years or something like that so ownership remains with you but she gets some income to start over? That might make her more amenable to staying in the area longer and maybe not contesting.


I agree that is alot of time in the car, leading to possible strain on our son. She did bring up the idea of finding a place out here for a year after the divorce until I retire ....but she was mistaken about me retiring that soon. I will retire 2 years after the split so that idea went out the window. Getting creative with the rental unit sounds like an interesting idea. That is something I will bring up to the lawyer and see what he says.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

What will you do if she has to stay in GA and then settles there, and then you retire and want to leave?

I live in FL and was stationed in GA myself so based on the 4 hour drive I'm guessing you're at one of the bases either on SE or SW GA.

Not much in either place beyond the bases. Does your wife work? Part of the reason she can't make much money might be because there's nothing there, so will you be supporting them after the divorce?

She could make that argument to a judge.....that there are limited opportunities where she is and FL has more opportunity for her to make money. My ex's (kids father) 1st wife got a WV judge to let her move away to MN with their son based on the fact that WV had limited work opportunities.

Your wife’s ability to make money where you are vs how much you're going to support them may come into play here.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Another thing to consider, and I bring this up because I've been there, is that if your wife is isolated in Southern GA she's going to become more and more unhappy which is going to affect your good relationship. You have a life there in the military but she doesn't and it's so isolating. It's only a few years, and I've seen guys during the last few stay at the station themselves while the family stays settled elsewhere. They visit the family regularly and after retirement they move there.

Perhaps you should consider agreeing to a move and then go yourself to see your son regularly, then when you get out move to FL.

And there's also the question of when you get out and want to move what if she refuses to go where you want? I can't imagine you'd want to stay in Southern GA. Even in FL what if you don't want to go near her family? If you force this she may become difficult for you in the years to come.

I would think carefully about the relationship you want to foster here.


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