# Husband bully?



## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

My husband charged at me aggressively and screamed in my face. I felt threatened and I slapped him. I've never hit anyone. I don't think it's right for him to charge at me as if he's going to hit me while yelling at me. It feels like bullying and intimidation.


----------



## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

I'm not trying to justify hitting him. I hate that I hit but I felt threatened. I just want to know if I should be okay with him charging at me and trying to physically intimidate me as long as he doesn't touch me.


----------



## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

No it is not Okay, you were just defending yourself. Maybe he will think before he does that again.


----------



## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

According to your history, in the past year and a half, battling it out with your husband over money, left over pizza, cheating and his rude parents.

Now it has escalated into him charging at you and you hitting him.

Don't you think it's time to call it quits?


----------



## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

If we didn't have two, two year olds, yes.


----------



## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

What started the fight?


----------



## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

Being overwhelmed with all of the kids, holiday and household work falling on my shoulders and being exhausted. Him refusing to set boundaries with work - working day and night and then moping around pissed off and crabby and too tired to help me. He's constantly miserable and walking around with a pissed off look on his face and I take the kids away to give him time to sleep and he won't take it.


----------



## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

So...

Who started the fight?


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Lostme said:


> No it is not Okay, you were just defending yourself. Maybe he will think before he does that again.


You gotcha!!! My wife did this to me once, remember I said once and I popped her right in the kisser. Serves her right!!!! Let's see who thinks that's okay.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Absolutely not right. Read "Love busters", I guess first three chapters will cover your marriage.


----------



## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

Nobody is saying it's okay. But I can work on me. I can't work on him. So what I want to know is -as long as he doesn't hit me - is it acceptable (should I ignore) for him to charge at me and stop just short of hitting me? Is that bullying or can it be just how he is?


----------



## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

Rev, I'm not sure I can say who started it. It was just a bunch of bickering and then he flew off his chair, ran at me with his chest puffed out and a look of rage on his face, got in my face and started screaming in my face. Then I swatted him.


----------



## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

If you were watching a movie and it was paused at the point he got to me, then asked what happens next, you'd say "he hits her". Definitely an aggressive move.


----------



## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Three wrongs doesn't make it right...

You started it and finished it as well.

There really isn't any room in between.

You really have had a volatile past with this man. Kids or not, you guys gotta start pulling it together or cutting each other loose.

Don't Ya think?...


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

It is not that simple Revamped. If you are in abusive relationship like this, at one point you start fighting with the same. And you hate yourself for it, and you start hating him for making you that horrible person. the other choice is to curl up and cry. 

Center1 - rethink if you really want to stay in this marraige because you have 2 year old. That's what the kid will learn. Do you want to live like this for the next twenty years? this will only escalates. It will only be harder to split two lives.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Revamped said:


> According to your history, in the past year and a half, battling it out with your husband over money, left over pizza, cheating and his rude parents.
> 
> Now it has escalated into him charging at you and you hitting him.
> 
> ...


You've got that backwards center. Kids make it more crucial that you avoid staying in something like this. Their minds and therefore their lives are shaped by what they see.


----------



## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

Um, how exactly did I start it? I took the kids the entire day for him to sleep which he didn't do. He lied and said he was staying downtown to sleep. Who knows where he was but the bottom line is he was too tired and crabby to help me when I got home as usual. I don't believe I started anything.


----------



## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

I can tell you if I leave, he won't give me a dime and what I'll get from the court will be minimal because we've only been married 3 1/2 years. He has a boatload of money stashed from me so he'll be fine. Believe me, he will make me pay. He's very cold, heartless and has one hell of a mean streak in him.


----------



## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

I talked to an attorney who said that I'm better off staying for 5 more years at least than leaving, unless I'm getting beat. He holds all of the cards here.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Center, you sound really angry and pissed off. You want to stay for your two-year old. Do you think the kid feels safe and happy? do you think you want him to learn the ways of communications that your marriage is based on? Do you like your yourself in that marriage.

You are so angry and on defense, that you are only responding here to Revamped because she says something you don't like it, while skipping others with some advise for you. Think about it.


----------



## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

Sorry I didn't make it clear that I'm taking in others' comments. I didn't think I needed to respond to all of them.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

center1 said:


> My husband charged at me aggressively and screamed in my face. I felt threatened and I slapped him. I've never hit anyone. I don't think it's right for him to charge at me as if he's going to hit me while yelling at me. It feels like bullying and intimidation.


No, it is absolutely not ok for him to intimidate you like this.

What is the difference in your sizes? How tall is he? How tall are you?


----------



## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

The comment of "who knows where he was" denotes you don't believe he was where he said he would be. And also, he don't take a nap when you TOLD him to? Come on, are you his parent?

And think again about Child Support. Alimony, no. But CS for TWO children? Yeah, he'll pony up the dough, CSEA enforced.

You just want to "right fight". No real solutions, just more aggreviated misery for the both of you.

Read through the history, guys.


----------



## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

It's not a "nap". He worked the night shift so it's his night of sleep, that he needs me to take the kids for. I have not had my haircut In 8 months and he knew he was to get his sleep while I took the kids for him so he could take them for my hair appointment. You bet your ass I'm pissed he didn't take his "nap". It actually sounds like you want to assign blame to one person without considering all facts.


----------



## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

Thanks for the legal advice too but I think I'll go with what the lawyer told me


----------



## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

Else, yes he's bigger


----------



## neglected42 (Aug 11, 2014)

I am unsure of your history, however, stand back an look at the situation. A women and a man are arguing. The man jumps out of his chair, lunges at the woman screaming in her face. She does not hit him. Is that bullying and intimidation? Darn right. Anyone watching that scene would have to agree. Now, change it and the woman slaps the man (in self defense, in shock, in anger for the threatening behaviour, any of the above), the behaviour of the man prior to the slap was still the same behaviour as it was with no slap. It is threatening and intimidating, and a man should not be acting that way to a women. Would your husband have jumped up and lunged at a great big strong man, and proceed to scream in his face??? I doubt it. Sounds like a bully to me.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

center1 said:


> I talked to an attorney who said that I'm better off staying for 5 more years at least than leaving, unless I'm getting beat. He holds all of the cards here.


You need to talk to more than one attorney.

While the divorce is in progress, he would have to pay you child support and interim spousal support. You could use that time to get yourself a job and get child care set up.

Any money that he has stashed away since you two married will be split 50/50 if you are in a community property state. If you are in an equitable distribution state you might get more than 50% to help you get on your feet.

One thing that might help you right now is for you to locate an organization that helps victims of abuse. You are being abused.. he does not allow you to have any money. He is intimidating you. 

These places usually have sliding scale fees. If he refuses to help you pay for it, they will usually not charge you. The ones I know of will even send someone out to pick you up for your appointments.

If there is any chance at all for the two of you to work this out, you both needs counseling. He needs anger management. You probably do as well. There are techniques you can use to defuse situations like the one today.

For example, as soon as he starts raising his voice, tell him "STOP" and go to another room with the children or leave the house and go somewhere. The idea is to separate and give both of you a chance to calm down.


----------



## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

He never would but does it all the time to me, the kids and the dog


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

center1 said:


> Else, yes he's bigger


Intimidation often has to do with the relative difference in size. So how much bigger makes a different. That's why I asked for the heights of both of you. Your weights make a different too.. especially his.

For example if you are 5'3', 120lbs and he's 6'3" 250... that's a lot more scary than if he's 5'6" 160lbs.

I'm trying to get an idea of what you are dealing with.


----------



## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

We desperately need counseling and we did it for two years. Two years of me sitting on the couch alone because he rarely showed up.


----------



## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

Oh. I'm 5 feet and he's 5'10". I'm 120 lbs and he's 200.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I think you already believe your husband is a bully.

But what exactly are you seeking here on TAM? Do you want advice, or do you just need to vent and support for that?

I'm not judging, just asking ...


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

center1 said:


> He never would but does it all the time to me, the kids and the dog


He never would what? What does he do to you, the kids and the dog?

It helps if you quote the post you are replying to. Look at the bottom right corner of a post. There is a "QUOTE" button. Click on that and it will automatically add the quote and you can then reply to it.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

center1 said:


> Oh. I'm 5 feet and he's 5'10". I'm 120 lbs and he's 200.


Thanks...

Yea that would be pretty scary. He's big enough to seriously injure you.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

center1 said:


> We desperately need counseling and we did it for two years. Two years of me sitting on the couch alone because he rarely showed up.


What I am suggesting is that you start counseling alone. You need counseling that is specifically geared towards living with an angry, abusive man.

Like you said, you can only change yourself. So get the help for you. You need to support and you need to learn the skills to handle with you are dealing with . This is especially true since you feel that you cannot leave.


----------



## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

Ugh! I'm on a phone and there's no quote button. So I will respond to the last few comments here. When I said, "he would never", I was responding to whether he'd charge at a guy his size. He would never in a million years. When I said he does it to me, the kids and the dog, I was referring to charging at us angrily like he's going to hit us. He does it all the time which brings me to the last question about whether I want to vent or really want to know if he's a bully. I guess a little of both. When this first happened, I felt like I couldn't really make sense of it. It's hard to explain but I couldn't really feel one way or another about it. It was a feeling of confusion. Since he has done this behavior before, I kind of felt like it was just his way and I just needed to accept it and make sure that I don't respond by hitting or pushing him away. But with the advice and feedback and some time to really process it, it's not okay to intimidate and I really don't like the way he treats our children. So I guess I am saying thanks to you all for talking with me and letting me process it. I need to sleep on what to do now. I hope I responded to everyone. I don't want to be accused again of only wanting to fight with one person that says something I dont like. Thank you!


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

center1 said:


> Ugh! I'm on a phone and there's no quote button. So I will respond to the last few comments here. When I said, "he would never", I was responding to whether he'd charge at a guy his size. He would never in a million years. When I said he does it to me, the kids and the dog, I was referring to charging at us angrily like he's going to hit us.


He does this to your toddler twins? Really? How do they react? How does the dog react?

So this was not a one-time thing. Your husband is a bully. He’s intimidating you. This kind of intimidation is concerned domestic violence. Why? Because the message is that one of these time he’s going to hit you. You better do what he wants or he will hurt you.

Does he also break and throw things? Does he do things like punch the wall or funature?



center1 said:


> He does it all the time which brings me to the last question about whether I want to vent or really want to know if he's a bully. I guess a little of both. When this first happened, I felt like I couldn't really make sense of it. It's hard to explain but I couldn't really feel one way or another about it. It was a feeling of confusion. Since he has done this behavior before, I kind of felt like it was just his way and I just needed to accept it and make sure that I don't respond by hitting or pushing him away. But with the advice and feedback and some time to really process it, it's not okay to intimidate and I really don't like the way he treats our children.


No, you do not need to accept him intimidating you. You also should be protecting your children from this kind of bulling. And the poor dog too. You are an adult. You can leave any time you want. Your children cannot leave. They are at your and your husband’s mercy. Since you make your children stay in that house, with their father abusing them like that… you are supporting him abusing your children. Sit and think about that. You need to protect your children from this.



center1 said:


> So I guess I am saying thanks to you all for talking with me and letting me process it. I need to sleep on what to do now. I hope I responded to everyone. I don't want to be accused again of only wanting to fight with one person that says something I dont like. Thank you!


----------



## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

Yes he does it to all of us but somewhat less rage in him at them than at me. Has never hit them but he intimidates/scares them. He is an intimidator. He doesn't throw, punch or break things. He just walks around here with a miserable look on his face all of the time, even when nothing is wrong and if he gets mad he intimidates. I think he's kind of a ***** truthfully because he has an older son that he's terrified to say anything to. He won't even tell him sime things like not to leave his things lying around the house. But us he will intimidate. Takes a big man to intimidate a two year old.


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

center1 said:


> I talked to an attorney who said that I'm better off staying for 5 more years at least than leaving, unless I'm getting beat. He holds all of the cards here.


Find a different lawyer, you have been married 3.5 years, had counseling for 2 I think, nothing has gotten any better. He doesn't hold all the cards, that's an excuse. If he has cash hidden away lawyers find that and it gets divided. 

Your fighting over taking care of the kids yet that's the very thing you said is keeping you from leaving. It makes no sense. What he did wasn't right but you also had no right slapping him.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

honcho said:


> Your fighting over taking care of the kids yet that's the very thing you said is keeping you from leaving. It makes no sense. What he did wasn't right but you also had no right slapping him.


If a person who stood 8 inches taller than you and who weight 40% more than you do came at you screaming, in your face and acting like they are going to hit you.... are you just going to stand there and not do anything?


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> If a person who stood 8 inches taller than you and who weight 40% more than you do came at you screaming, in your face and acting like they are going to hit you.... are you just going to stand there and not do anything?


Leaving wouldn't be a better option? Hitting the bigger stronger person is a much better idea because he isn't mad enough already?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

center1 said:


> Yes he does it to all of us but somewhat less rage in him at them than at me. Has never hit them but he intimidates/scares them. He is an intimidator. He doesn't throw, punch or break things. He just walks around here with a miserable look on his face all of the time, even when nothing is wrong and if he gets mad he intimidates. I think he's kind of a ***** truthfully because he has an older son that he's terrified to say anything to. He won't even tell him sime things like not to leave his things lying around the house. But us he will intimidate. Takes a big man to intimidate a two year old.


What you might want to get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and have it on you at all times (hidden in your clothing) when he's around. Get recordings of him doing this to you and the children. 

If you can rig up a spy video camera, do that. They sell all kinds.. like in stuffed toys, clock radios, pens, etc. And record him. Copy the recordings off to a save place.

It will help if you end up needed to call the police. This will help you in counseling. It could help you get him in counseling.. after he sees his own behavior.

Where is your family in all this? And your friends?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

honcho said:


> Leaving wouldn't be a better option? Hitting the bigger stronger person is a much better idea because he isn't mad enough already?


It sounds to me like she had a shock reaction. That often happens when a bully unexpectantly gets in your face and intimidates a person.

Maybe it would be a good idea to ask her if she could leave. Let's do that.

center1, when your husband came at you today, where were you? Could you have just left the scene?


----------



## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP:

yes you're right - physical intimidation in a relationship is defintiely not OK. 
in terms of what the lawyer told you - did he advise staying 5 more years ('til you're married 8 1.2 years??) or staying until your marriage reached the 5 year mark? just wondering 'cause the latter seems more like a legal threshold....meaning you'd only have to hang in 18 more months.....


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Yes, he's a bully and an ass. Now how does that help you solve your REAL problem? Which is the fact that you need to get out of an abusive relationship but won't. 

C


----------



## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

PBear said:


> Yes, he's a bully and an ass. Now how does that help you solve your REAL problem? Which is the fact that you need to get out of an abusive relationship but won't.
> 
> C


I love those that talk about getting out of a marriage like it's changing car insurance. Divorce is a serious thing and having children makes it even more serious. It's not something you run down to the courthouse to file for without careful thought, consideration and planning. I've made quick decisions in my life and they've had disastrous consequences. So, with your permission, I'd like to think this one through before I ruin two little children's lives.


----------



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

center1 said:


> If we didn't have two, two year olds, yes.


So you think it's better to raise them together....IN THIS ENVIRONMENT....than one of 2 separate HEALTHY households....(well at least one that you can guarantee).

2 year olds will handle divorce better than 5 year olds..


----------



## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

Let me explain the lawyer's advice because I've gotten several comments on it. My husband has a large stash of money (I'm guessing between 500k and 1 mil) stashed away from before we were married. I will get none of that. It's not arguable, I WILL NOT get it, period. Now, as for spousal support, because we've been married under 5 years, the support is minimal if any at all. The reason being is that the court looks at it like I was out working relatively recently and can just go out and work again. I will get support for my two children for their needs and that's it. I will have nothing for myself to live on.

The bigger issue: he will get 50% custody of the children. This is a man that is #1, rarely home and would hire a stranger off of the street if they get sick because he refuses to miss work under any and all circumstances. #2, intimidates and scares them regularly. So for all of you thinking it's so easy to leave this marriage think again. I will have NO visibility into how he's treating them when I'm not around. I will not be there to stop it like I am now.

After some thought, I have decided that if anyone comes at me 100 miles and hour, seething with rage, fists clenched chest pushed out, arms rounded off like the Incredible Hulk and screaming inches from my face, I WILL, I repeat, I WILL slap that person away from me. I will NOT stand there and wait to find out if that person can control himself enough not to hit me. I would not charge at a person that made me angry on the street because I don't want to risk getting my ass kicked. If you don't want to be hit, don't make someone fear for their safety. However, until this is all figured out, I will be letting him know that if he charges at any of us again, I will have him removed from the home.


----------



## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> honcho said:
> 
> 
> > Leaving wouldn't be a better option? Hitting the bigger stronger person is a much better idea because he isn't mad enough already?
> ...


Yes, it was a quick fearful response. Any time I've been startled or charged at (my father used to beat us) my immediate reaction is to hit to protect myself. I've had time to override it in the past. This is the only time I've ever hit. He came at me fast, seething with rage.


----------



## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

Leaving wouldn't be a better option? Hitting the bigger stronger person is a much better idea because he isn't mad enough already?[/QUOTE]

You think someone seething with rage who just charged at me Is going to let me turn and walk away? If anyone comes at me like that again damn straight I'm going to slap them away. I'm not going to stand there and allow someone to scream in my face with their fists clenched and raised above both sides of my head, and wait for him to hit me.


----------



## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

nuclearnightmare said:


> OP:
> 
> yes you're right - physical intimidation in a relationship is defintiely not OK.
> in terms of what the lawyer told you - did he advise staying 5 more years ('til you're married 8 1.2 years??) or staying until your marriage reached the 5 year mark? just wondering 'cause the latter seems more like a legal threshold....meaning you'd only have to hang in 18 more months.....


It's five years total but then it progresses. So at six years I won't get very much but I will get something. Then seven I'll get maybe a touch more, etc. In order for me to actually get something decent to take care of just my basic needs, I will need to be in the marriage for approximately 10 years.


----------



## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> center1 said:
> 
> 
> > Yes he does it to all of us but somewhat less rage in him at them than at me. Has never hit them but he intimidates/scares them. He is an intimidator. He doesn't throw, punch or break things. He just walks around here with a miserable look on his face all of the time, even when nothing is wrong and if he gets mad he intimidates. I think he's kind of a ***** truthfully because he has an older son that he's terrified to say anything to. He won't even tell him sime things like not to leave his things lying around the house. But us he will intimidate. Takes a big man to intimidate a two year old.
> ...


I haven't told anyone about this. That'll just make it worse.


----------



## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

honcho said:


> center1 said:
> 
> 
> > I talked to an attorney who said that I'm better off staying for 5 more years at least than leaving, unless I'm getting beat. He holds all of the cards here.
> ...


Please brush up on your legal expertise


----------



## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

Okay guys. Thanks for the advice and the chat. I'm going to stop talking about it now because I am considerably more depressed today than I was yesterday. I think I have all of the information that I need for right now. I have made an appointment with my therapist for 2 o'clock today so she can take it from here. Thanks again.


----------



## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Trollin', trollin', trollin'...

Kepp those posties rollin'...


----------



## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

That was just stupid and uncalled for.


----------



## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

center1 said:


> It's five years total but then it progresses. So at six years I won't get very much but I will get something. Then seven I'll get maybe a touch more, etc. In order for me to actually get something decent to take care of just my basic needs, I will need to be in the marriage for approximately 10 years.



Why can't you find a job to support yourself?


----------



## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

center1 said:


> I haven't told anyone about this. That'll just make it worse.



How?


----------



## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

spinsterdurga said:


> center1 said:
> 
> 
> > It's five years total but then it progresses. So at six years I won't get very much but I will get something. Then seven I'll get maybe a touch more, etc. In order for me to actually get something decent to take care of just my basic needs, I will need to be in the marriage for approximately 10 years.
> ...


I can. And in the time it will take to move, get my life together and find a job, I'll just eat dirt.


----------



## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

spinsterdurga said:


> center1 said:
> 
> 
> > I haven't told anyone about this. That'll just make it worse.
> ...


Would it help for my parents to be angry at him or my friends? If it is t helpful, I'm not doing it.


----------



## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

center1 said:


> I can. And in the time it will take to move, get my life together and find a job, I'll just eat dirt.



How about looking for a job now to prepare for your exit plan?


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My question still stands... How does knowing that other people think your husband is a bully help you? What you need is a plan of action. Whether it involves leaving your husband or not is entirely up to you. 

And as an FYI... I did leave my marriage with two children when I realized that my wife wasn't interested in fixing it. Life is too short to spend it with someone who makes you miserable. 

C


----------



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

I feel for every woman who has an abusive or unstable husband....but that empathy dies with lack of action.

I applaud you that you raised your hand. Self defense and self preservation are important....but how about calling the police. Get these issues on record.

He won't get 50% custody if he's a known abuser, as long as it's legitimate towards the children. 

But I'm sorry, if he's this unstable, why do you want him near your children 100% of the time versus 50%? Shouldn't you also protect them.

Are you deserving of your husband's money..yes to an extent. Should you put yourself and your children in danger to get it though?

Get a job, get the smallest amount of security and get away from him. All I heard was "I can't because I will lose out on money".

After my divorce, I slept on my parents couch for 6 months, because I gave up so much to ensure my children had stability. I get the dilemma, but would your parents not help you? They wouldn't put you and your kids up?


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

center1 said:


> Would it help for my parents to be angry at him or my friends? If it is t helpful, I'm not doing it.


If they knew, would you be able to stay with them while you got your life together and got a job?


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

honcho said:


> Leaving wouldn't be a better option? Hitting the bigger stronger person is a much better idea because he isn't mad enough already?


Yeah kinda makes sense


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

center1 said:


> I love those that talk about getting out of a marriage like it's changing car insurance. Divorce is a serious thing and having children makes it even more serious. It's not something you run down to the courthouse to file for without careful thought, consideration and planning. I've made quick decisions in my life and they've had disastrous consequences. So, with your permission, I'd like to think this one through before I ruin two little children's lives.


Divorce is hard on kids but how does it look to them to see dad screaming and mom hitting! What kinda example does that set for thier future?


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

center1 said:


> Let me explain the lawyer's advice because I've gotten several comments on it. My husband has a large stash of money (I'm guessing between 500k and 1 mil) stashed away from before we were married. I will get none of that. It's not arguable, I WILL NOT get it, period. Now, as for spousal support, because we've been married under 5 years, the support is minimal if any at all. The reason being is that the court looks at it like I was out working relatively recently and can just go out and work again. I will get support for my two children for their needs and that's it. I will have nothing for myself to live on.
> 
> The bigger issue: he will get 50% custody of the children. This is a man that is #1, rarely home and would hire a stranger off of the street if they get sick because he refuses to miss work under any and all circumstances. #2, intimidates and scares them regularly. So for all of you thinking it's so easy to leave this marriage think again. I will have NO visibility into how he's treating them when I'm not around. I will not be there to stop it like I am now.
> 
> After some thought, I have decided that if anyone comes at me 100 miles and hour, seething with rage, fists clenched chest pushed out, arms rounded off like the Incredible Hulk and screaming inches from my face, I WILL, I repeat, I WILL slap that person away from me. I will NOT stand there and wait to find out if that person can control himself enough not to hit me. I would not charge at a person that made me angry on the street because I don't want to risk getting my ass kicked. If you don't want to be hit, don't make someone fear for their safety. However, until this is all figured out, I will be letting him know that if he charges at any of us again, I will have him removed from the home.


Not smart. If he is luring you into a trap you will get arrested. Being intimidated is the hardest this to prove in a domestic violence case. I mean damn hard. A bruise, caused by a slap, is easy cause you have physical evidence. You are setting yourself up for failure here if he is playing a game to get divorced and take the kids with him.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

The other big issue is the escalation of aggression. You start slapping him, and one day he's likely to hit back. Guess who loses that exchange? It's not a matter of being right or wrong. It's a matter of the safety of you and your kids. 

C


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

center1 said:


> I hope I responded to everyone. I don't want to be accused again of only wanting to fight with one person that says something I dont like. Thank you!


It is not neccessary to respond to everyone. I just found it very interesting that your only responses were the antagoning ones. he is the bully definitely, but what it seems you may like conflict too. that was at least impression from your responses.


----------



## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

I don't agree HE'S the bully, though.

She goads, antagonizes, constantly bickering. Pick, pick, pick.

He finally has enough, explodes. Granted he should NOT have done that. So she slaps him. That shouldn't have happened either.


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

I am curious to what he did after being slapped? If he was ragging the way you state why didn't it escalate?


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

center1 said:


> So what I want to know is -as long as he doesn't hit me - is it acceptable (should I ignore) for him to charge at me and stop just short of hitting me? Is that bullying or can it be just how he is?



NO NO NO this is NOT okay. Because one of these days his fist will finally connect with your face. 

I realize you have young children and I cannot even fathom how hard it is (I'm childless by choice). 

It's just a matter of time before he starts charging the kids. 

Yes, he's a bully, yes, that's just 'the way he is' and YES he is an abuser already.

Please see if you can call on local resources to get out. This will not end well if you stay. Your kids will grow up seeing this and think it's okay to be abusive.

I survived a 12-year physically abusive relationship and if I can make it out, you can too.


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

center1 said:


> I can. And in the time it will take to move, get my life together and find a job, I'll just eat dirt.


I understand this completely. Took me more than a year to get my ducks in a row and finally leave my abuser. I ate dirt, too. 

I get it.


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Dad&Hubby said:


> I feel for every woman who has an abusive or unstable husband....but that empathy dies with lack of action.


Really? Gosh, I'm really sad reading this.


----------



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

lucy999 said:


> Really? Gosh, I'm really sad reading this.


And I'm really sad when I read about a woman who's choosing money over getting to safety for her and her children.

This isn't a situation where she's being physically beaten to the point of where someone needs to intercede on her behalf. 

The OP can get out if she chooses. And she's obviously strong enough (being the first in the marriage to actually use physical violence on the other person's body) and thoughtful enough (she's spoken to attorneys, has really looked into the financial situation) that she COULD get out if she really wanted to.

She doesn't want to. It's not a big enough priority for her. Am I supposed to feel bad for her then.

No. Sorry. There are plenty of women who are in much worse situations than worrying about what her divorce settlement would be like....COME ON. I don't hear her looking for a job. I don't hear her saying things like "even if I don't get a penny from him at first...I need to get away."

If she divorced him and had custody of the kids (which is easy if he is truly abusive, just make a few calls and take out a restraining order). She'd be getting child support at a minimum. If she actually diverted her energy into getting a job, she'd also be covered.

There are so many women with truly dire situations that when I see a "victim (ps who fights back)" who has options not exercise them, it is frustrating and takes away from the truly abhorrent situations other women are in.


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Dad&Hubby said:


> And I'm really sad when I read about a woman who's choosing money over getting to safety for her and her children.
> 
> This isn't a situation where she's being physically beaten to the point of where someone needs to intercede on her behalf.
> 
> ...


Okay. Duly noted. I misunderstood, I thought you were speaking about the abused woman in general and not to this particular circumstance. I appreciate your clarification.

That said, being in an abusive relationship is very complicated and intricate, with lots of different factors at play. And unless you (generally- not pointing at you, D&H) have been in that situation, there is absolutely no way to even begin to understand the depth of powerlessness and terrorism that's at play.


----------



## woman (Aug 19, 2011)

Revamped said:


> I don't agree HE'S the bully, though.
> 
> She goads, antagonizes, constantly bickering. Pick, pick, pick.


How do you figure that?


----------



## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

center1 said:


> Nobody is saying it's okay. But I can work on me. I can't work on him. So what I want to know is -as long as he doesn't hit me - is it acceptable (should I ignore) for him to charge at me and stop just short of hitting me? Is that bullying or can it be just how he is?


Did he raise his hands at you like he was going to hit you? And I'm assuming he didn't hit you back.

Do you think if a wife charged at a husband in the same manner that he'd be justified in hitting her?


----------



## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

richie33 said:


> I am curious to what he did after being slapped? If he was ragging the way you state why didn't it escalate?


That's what was wondering. If he truly was in a rage and she felt threatened, and she slapped him, then I would have figured, since being described the way he was by her, that he would have retaliated.

Did that happen?



lucy999 said:


> NO NO NO this is NOT okay. Because one of these days his fist will finally connect with your face.


Hmmm, don't you think that would have happened after she slapped him?


----------

