# Any home she'll return?



## BrianE (Nov 22, 2010)

Ok, the gist is she's moving in with her sister for a couple weeks to figure out things. We've been married 10 years and have 2 daughters.

Now as for the details.

I've been a terrible husband and don't know why she's stayed with me this long. Now, I have a terrible memory so a lot of this is what she's told me I've done and some I half remember.

The first few years of our marriage I had terrible anger issues and would release it physically. I've strangled her, hit her, abused her and raped her. I'm not proud of it.

I knew it was a problem and slowly changed and wasn't physical any more. However, over the years it started to become more verbal abuse. I would either verbally abuse her and I started to do things I knew would hurt her, break things she likes, burn pictures, abuse her chihuahua.

I know some of the issues in the marriage I've taken out on the kids. I'll have a short temper b/c of my wife and be to harsh on the kids. I haven't "hit" them but I'll forcefully push them into their room and they get hurt. I've spanked them quit a bit as well.

This year has been over the top for both of us. I don't know exactly when the switch happened b/c it started off good. We were both running together and getting exercise and having fun. I had to get a minor surgery at the end of January and she took good care of me and I made sure she knew that I appreciated it. I slowly started running and working out again and things where fine. Slowly, we seemed to drift apart. I had to have another minor surgery at the end of March and this time she just didn't seem to care.

After that she went into major depression, stopped eating, got down to 95lbs and was in bad shape. What did I do? Nothing, absolutely nothing and just made things worse. She tried to kill herself and not even the hospital would help her. She started going back to her therapist & psychiatrist and I found some for me as well. A lot of it wasn't working for me, mostly finding the right meds that would work. There was also a point we were fighting so bad early in the morning I swolled a lot of her xanax and tried to kill myself. She tried to stop me from going to work but I manage to still get in the car and go to work. I came home and we faught some more, I smashed her computer monitor and then drove to bestbuy and got a new one. All of that day, everything that happened I don't remeber and only remeber a little bit of the following day. During this period of time she didn't think I was changing fast enough and has given up.

She started crushing on a guy at work for several weeks and even told me about it. I was upset but not overly so b/c I'm trying not to do what I would normally do. The meds are slowly working. I know they are b/c even my daughters are wanting to spend more time with me and that's great! Well, I find out she's been taking her breaks at work with him and they would chat all this time and last week he reached out and held her hand and she really liked it. She thought she was falling in love with another man and said she didn't love me anymore and was moving out. The following night she gets home at 2am and wakes me up crying and has something to tell me. He kissed her. Of course I'm emotional but stay calm but with nothing to say for a minute. She says it was a mistake and now knows she has no feelings for him. I hug her and tell her it's alright and we'll get through this.

She's still confused and going to live with her sister for a few weeks and we'll work out schedules with the kids. They'll mostly be with me though bc of stuff and stuff. She still says she doesn't love me and isn't happy. I keep telling her I'm trying to change and make things work, I really am!

Ok, that was kind of long but I wanted to put it all out there and not hold anything back. Is there any hope for us? I've recommended marriage counseling and we're going to start that ASAP. But is there any hope she can over look all the terrible things I've done and come back to me? I wouldn't blame her if she didn't though, I can't after what I've put her through.


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## BrianE (Nov 22, 2010)

*Re: Any hope she'll return?*

And in all the emotions of typing this I couldn't spell hope in the title right. :scratchhead:


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Even as loyal as a dog can be, if you mistreat it enough, it will stop coming when you call it.

Her best bet is to take the kids and leave while you straighten yourself out. When you have proven you have done that, she can decide whether or not to take another chance with you.


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## CouplesGuy (Nov 23, 2010)

You sounds like you are finally waking up to some hard to face realities, so here's another. Statistically speaking, this story often doesn't end well -she's dead and you are in prison. Harsh? Wait, there's good news ahead. She got out alive and you are both becoming more self-aware. That's the first step toward becoming healthy. Even though you're unhealthy, it doesn't have to stay that way. There's hope, and you both seem to be moving in the right direction as individuals. Stay with that for now. The best thing you can do for her is to deal honestly with yourself and show meaningful change. It will take time. It will be difficult. It will be worth it.

My advice is to seek out a local domestic violence support group for men. You both LEARNED this. It was probably all you knew as children. You can learn new relationship skills to replace the ones that aren't healthy. And be there because you want to be - you'll get more out of it that way.

Any "marriage counseling" should lead you to two things. First, counseling is for individuals, those of us that struggle to make healthy choices even though our mind can see that it makes sense. This is usually because of unresolved trauma. Are you ready to face that? It is the first thing standing between you and a healthy relationship with the woman you truly feel love for but don't know how to express in a consistently healthy way.

The second thing counseling should lead to is healthy relationship skills. You need to view these as separate things - counseling for the individuals so that they are free to make healthy choices, new skills both as individuals and as a couple so that they can change the patterns of interaction. Sadly, this last part doesn't always happen in counseling. Lot's of counselors specialize more in the first part. That's okay. There are other places to turn to.

I know of a website, http://www.thinkmarriage.org that is all about that. They say they're not counselors, they're relationship educators. Some of us might not need the counseling part, but we could use this. They seem to have a lot of resources that could help you guys. I recommend them often to people I talk to. Check them out.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Speaking as a woman, I would not hold out a whole lot of hope that she'll come back. You were horribly abusive to her, and frankly it sounds like what happened was that this guy woke her up to the fact that she didn't need to put up with it anymore. 

If you get counseling, find a support group, and make a real effort to really change, given enough time, it's possible that she could be convinced that you have changed and come back. But I wouldn't hope too hard for that. I would do all those things, not to get her back, but to ensure that you never behave this way again.


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## BrianE (Nov 22, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> Speaking as a woman, I would not hold out a whole lot of hope that she'll come back. You were horribly abusive to her, and frankly it sounds like what happened was that this guy woke her up to the fact that she didn't need to put up with it anymore.
> 
> If you get counseling, find a support group, and make a real effort to really change, given enough time, it's possible that she could be convinced that you have changed and come back. But I wouldn't hope too hard for that. I would do all those things, not to get her back, but to ensure that you never behave this way again.


Thank you for the comment.

I know I don't deserve her after all I've put her through, I accept that. I just know she still has feelings for me deep down somewhere. I was the first man she's ever been with and she the first women I've been with. I still get small glimpses of feelings from her when she's not trying to be hurtful.

I'm trying the best I can and that's all I can do. I want to hold out and fight for this marriage, just don't know how long I can do that for with how hurtful she is being.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

BrianE said:


> Thank you for the comment.
> 
> I know I don't deserve her after all I've put her through, I accept that. I just know she still has feelings for me deep down somewhere. I was the first man she's ever been with and she the first women I've been with. I still get small glimpses of feelings from her when she's not trying to be hurtful.
> 
> I'm trying the best I can and that's all I can do. I want to hold out and fight for this marriage, just don't know how long I can do that for with how hurtful she is being.


Brian,

If you want her, you need to focus on making yourself attractive to her.

That doesn't mean groveling or being needy.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

BrianE said:


> Thank you for the comment.
> 
> I know I don't deserve her after all I've put her through, I accept that. I just know she still has feelings for me deep down somewhere. I was the first man she's ever been with and she the first women I've been with. I still get small glimpses of feelings from her when she's not trying to be hurtful.
> 
> I'm trying the best I can and that's all I can do. I want to hold out and fight for this marriage, just don't know how long I can do that for with how hurtful she is being.


Excuse me? How "hurtful she is being"?

If she posted in here asking what she should do, I would be telling her to get out of the relationship ASAP. Yes, maybe she shouldn't have kissed the other guy (or cut off contact with him when the feelings started). But I can't say I blame her at all.

I guess I'm saying that I wouldn't think about her being hurtful to you, but what you can do to change yourself. It sounds like you're making progress which is good... But you'd need to prove that the changes are long-term. If she was asking the question, I'd likely tell her to get out of the relationship, and see where you're at in 6 months. atruckersgirl last sentence is the one I'd focus on... Change for yourself, so this doesn't happen in the future either with her or with your next relationship.

C


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

Did you see who she came running to when the guy at work kissed her? She has one person she can trust, and she can't trust that person. That is her dilemma.

She's not being mean to you to get back at you or get even with you, that could never happen anyway. She is learning how to talk to you and not be in submissive mode, submissive mode was bad. She's trying to pull herself back up to your level, in her mind, because you are the person she trusts.

The problem in this type of situation is not that it happened repeatedly it's that it happened at all. When you allowed yourself in the heat of the moment to hit her, you taught both of you 'this is how heated arguements end' when we fight together.

From that moment on you guys needed serious counseling.

It really does take the help of a professional to relearn what you know for you not to be able to do that again to her, and a lot of time being safe around you for her to feel truly safe again. Unfortunately sometimes that never happens.




_*Is there any hope for us?*_

I've seen it happen, but you have added a whole new dimension to the relationship. For a long time the good times won't be so good and the bad times will be even more stressful than usual and that may never ever change. If it doesn't change you both will likely have a lot of regrets later on in life if you stay together.


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## Ngal (Dec 1, 2010)

Your lucky you haven't been sent to prison. I hope she doesn't go back to you!


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