# Strange way of passive initiation



## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

So a little background first - we have been together for almost 9 years, have a 7 year old son, and been married for 5 years. I don't remember exactly how long this has been going on now, but my H is very weird about sex. When he wants it, he will just lay in bed, not talking to me, not touching me, just do annoying little things like sniffle, clear his throat, and toss and turn. I am supposed to understand that he wants sex, and then start touching his d**k. If I don't get the hint or fall asleep, he is pissed at me for all of the next day and either ignored me or is rude. If I try to cuddle with him first, he moves away because he wants sex not cuddling first. I am finally starting to understand how this game is played, but sometimes I wish he would reach over and touch me or hold me or cuddle for awhile first, or even initiate sometimes. I usually end up feeling used instead of loved and appreciated. I have tried talking to him but he tunes me out. Any suggestions on why he does this or what I can do?


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

How did initiation used to go between you? Was it equal, or did one of the other usually take the initiative? How often do you have sex? Has this changed, too, or is the change just in how things get started? Have you argued about sex in the past? Is sex good for you both after it gets going?

How is your marriage otherwise? Any ongoing or new conflicts?


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

Sex is not all that great, but I'll take what I can get! We have always had sex at least 2-3 times a week if not more, and from what I remember it was sort of a mutual thing. I'm not even sure how this started or how long ago. It has caused several fights before I figured it out, he would be mad at me and I would have no clue why. Finally he would tell me he had been horny a couple nights ago and I didn't do anything about it. I would say why didn't you say something or do something to let me know but I guess I was just supposed to know. Of course this led him to feel like I rejected him, but how can I reject him if I don't even know? I admit to having a pretty low drive for about a year after our son was born, but that was a long time ago. And I still didn't turn him down even if I didn't feel like it all the time. 

Sunday morning was very strange. My alarm went off fairly early, and I didn't feel like getting up yet so I tried to cuddle with him and hoped to maybe get some. Every time I tried to hold his hand or put my arm around him he would move away after awhile. Eventually he got up and went downstairs. I got up too and went downstairs, then he went back to bed. He didn't hardly say a word to me and ignored me all morning. Finally I confronted him and asked why he was mad at me and why he kept moving away from me in the morning. He said he was laying there hard and I didn't do anything about it so that's why he was mad. I said I was trying to cuddle and get close to you, what do you think I wanted? But I guess I didn't do it right. He just wants the sex with no cuddling or touching or kissing.


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

And yes we have had some conflict recently about him spending time with our son and sharing his expenses, but this initiation style has been going on for several years at least.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

Sounds almost as if he is shy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I'm sure you already know that guys can have sex without the intimacy involved so I won't preach. Also this sounds like something else. My hunch is something happened between you too around the time this stuff went down.

Did it coincide with a major life event? Money stress? Pregnancy etc.?

Reason I ask is because it doesn't take a genius to realize that if your wife want to cuddle and you oblige, she'll probably know that you'e standing at attention. So the action will just naturally progress. Something is preventing that. Like he's averse to it. Maybe the low drive period is leaving him feeling resentful?


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

That could be it, the LD period was quite awhile ago though but I guess it could be. This behavior didn't start until maybe 4 years after my pregnancy, and it started way before our recent conflict period. I guess that's why I don't understand it.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

mace17 said:


> That could be it, the LD period was quite awhile ago though but I guess it could be. This behavior didn't start until maybe 4 years after my pregnancy, and it started way before our recent conflict period. I guess that's why I don't understand it.


It sounds to me like he wants the sex but not the emotional intimacy. He's not interested in communicating with your or seeing that your needs are met, but he can't shut down his drive and gets frustrated (or angry) when you don't just get him off without him having to show you affection. 

Maybe he has unresolved resentments. If so, he has to decide he wants to find a way to resolve his negative feelings, or they aren't going to budge. Resentment is one of those things that you just can't stop feeling--it takes effort and self awareness and sometimes help from a therapist. 

Would he be willing to talk to you about his if you brought it up in a non judgmental way? His acceptance that he is having issues with resentment is not tantamount to admitting that he was right or wrong in the conflicts that these feelings stemmed from. Some people just don't "get over things" as easily as others do. Carrying around resentment for a spouse is a real burden--I did it for years. It affected my marriage terribly--I put up a wall and didn't allow my husband in emotionally, all the while claiming that everything was fine and that if he was unhappy, then he had to find a way to fix it. I can see now how very, very difficult it is to live with someone who exhibits isolating behavior and pretends (and perhaps even believes) that nothing is amiss.


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

I have some resentment too over him not participating in our son's life much and making me feel like a single mom most of the time. But I still show him affection and give him sex.


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## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

I think the previous poster is right. He only wants to use you. Talking to him wont help matters. How is he otherwise during the day. Do you talk together or do other things together. I doubt it. 

You first have to sort out the 'day' time before the 'night' time.


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

Not much during the day either, we are more like friends and roommates. We occasionally do things as a family like go fishing or go to the zoo or something like that.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

His body needs the release of sex but you both are not connecting or have little emotional need happening. I have little doubt that he feels as conflicted and confused as you do.

I agree 100% with the comment about getting your daytime lives in sync before the sex gets better.

Do you both do 'date night' or anything like that? It is not a quick fix - but it can start you going in the right direction maybe.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

mace17 said:


> I have some resentment too over him not participating in our son's life much and making me feel like a single mom most of the time. But I still show him affection and give him sex.


Resentment doesn't affect everyone the same way. And, although you say you are able to show affection despite your resentment, that doesn't mean that he doesn't pick up on it and react to it.


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

anotherguy said:


> His body needs the release of sex but you both are not connecting or have little emotional need happening. I have little doubt that he feels as conflicted and confused as you do.
> 
> I agree 100% with the comment about getting your daytime lives in sync before the sex gets better.
> 
> Do you both do 'date night' or anything like that? It is not a quick fix - but it can start you going in the right direction maybe.


No, it's sad but after almost 9 years we have really never gone on a "date". The closest we get is couples bowling and even then we take our son along most of the time.


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

I guess he needs sex and it's ok as long as he doesn't have to touch me or show any affection to me.


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

I think he wants sex only but is not in love with you.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

mace17 said:


> I have some resentment too over him not participating in our son's life much and making me feel like a single mom most of the time. But I still show him affection and give him sex.


Being familiar with your other threads, i find it amazing you can even lay in the same bed with him, let alone want sex with him. Just sayin.


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> Being familiar with your other threads, i find it amazing you can even lay in the same bed with him, let alone want sex with him. Just sayin.


Not saying I necessarily want sex with him, but he is my husband and I have to get it somewhere. Besides, he gets very pissy and impossible to live with if he doesn't get it so that works both ways I guess. Better from him than getting some strange, right?


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

mace17 said:


> So a little background first - we have been together for almost 9 years, have a 7 year old son, and been married for 5 years. I don't remember exactly how long this has been going on now, but my H is very weird about sex. When he wants it, he will just lay in bed, not talking to me, not touching me, just do annoying little things like sniffle, clear his throat, and toss and turn. I am supposed to understand that he wants sex, and then start touching his d**k. If I don't get the hint or fall asleep, he is pissed at me for all of the next day and either ignored me or is rude. If I try to cuddle with him first, he moves away because he wants sex not cuddling first. I am finally starting to understand how this game is played, but sometimes I wish he would reach over and touch me or hold me or cuddle for awhile first, or even initiate sometimes. I usually end up feeling used instead of loved and appreciated. I have tried talking to him but he tunes me out. Any suggestions on why he does this or what I can do?


OMGosh. That is exactly how my H used to be! Ahhhhhh! What a flipping annoying booger. Such a turn off. 
But he did this because he felt I was using him for sex. Meaning that I didn't listen to his likes and dislikes and was selfish in the sac. 😊
He just lost interest in pleasing me, because he didn't think I cared enough about pleasing him. 

Have a talk with your H, find out if you said or did/didn't do something that made him unconfortable in having sex with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

I haven't read your other threads, but what happens if you say 'From now on, I want you to be the one to start touching me and kissing me if you are interested in sex. I'm not going to initiate anymore since for too long, it has been only me being the initiator and women like the man to initiate'. Then stick to that and don't cave.

By some good vibrators to use in the meantime until he realizes you won't give in and change your mind. Be prepared to use the vibrators for a month or two. If he doesn't change after a month or two, dump him.


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

tracyishere said:


> OMGosh. That is exactly how my H used to be! Ahhhhhh! What a flipping annoying booger. Such a turn off.
> But he did this because he felt I was using him for sex. Meaning that I didn't listen to his likes and dislikes and was selfish in the sac. 😊
> He just lost interest in pleasing me, because he didn't think I cared enough about pleasing him.
> 
> ...


It's kind of a touchy subject because he...um...doesn't last very long. I always reassure him that it's ok because I don't want him to feel bad or get a complex. Not quite sure how to approach it.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

mace....Him not lasting long is probably why he won't initiate. He has no sexual confidence and literally can't bring himself to do it. But he wants sex, so he hopes you will just read his mind and take action.

This is really a problem.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Sometimes you have to shake the tree to get the apples. I think that it's time that you make yourself very clear and tell him your not a mind reader and if her wants sex, he has to do a little more that inform you with his own version of Morse Code. It' really stupid that a man can't look at his wife and say in so many words "I want to fool around." What's he going to do next, Tell you, "Wake me up when I'm hungry." Take the bull buy his "horn" and give him the news that his actions are immature and try being a little more affectionate and things can be better.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

I say skip the talk and jump right into it. Why wait until he snorts? If you want to please him. Please him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

6301 said:


> Sometimes you have to shake the tree to get the apples. I think that it's time that you make yourself very clear and tell him your not a mind reader and if her wants sex, he has to do a little more that inform you with his own version of Morse Code. It' really stupid that a man can't look at his wife and say in so many words "I want to fool around." What's he going to do next, Tell you, "Wake me up when I'm hungry." Take the bull buy his "horn" and give him the news that his actions are immature and try being a little more affectionate and things can be better.


That's the problem, I have to take the "horn" before he thinks I'm interested. And then there's no affection, no holding, no kissing. I guess I'm just a blow up sex doll that needs to be told when to inflate or that's how I feel anyway.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

mace17 said:


> That's the problem, I have to take the "horn" before he thinks I'm interested. And then there's no affection, no holding, no kissing. I guess I'm just a blow up sex doll that needs to be told when to inflate or that's how I feel anyway.


Mace,

I read _part_ of your other thread. Your H is not a man but a boy...

He selfish, hoards cash, manipulating, a joke of a father figure, doesn't "get" the family unit at all and is a lazy lover.

I can see why you would want to screw him...

You will never be happy and neither will your son if you continue just trying to please people. This isn't what YOU want out of a marriage is it? 

MC and IC is desperately needed here.


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

I suggested MC but he said there's no point because that's all he knows and can't change. Might have to try IC if I can afford it after paying for my son's IC.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

mace17 said:


> I suggested MC but he said there's no point because that's all he knows and can't change.


That's BS and he's throwing in the towel again. Time to get demanding, I'm thinking.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

I think that yes, there is something underlaying like a resentment. About what only you two can investigate and establish really. However, I also see the "I clearly need sexual release and not all the cuddling ect that builds up, Im there already" mode that you describe. 

It is obvious in the marjority of times that a guy wants to have some sexual fulfulment. Its there infront of you and no matter how hard (forgive the pun) we try it will stay until its had its say.
Therfore I suspect your H is basically saying without vocalising it, Im clearly wanting sex , its there to see, you just seem no to do anythng sexual about it. 

Im NOT saying youve done anything wrong at all. But if hes aroused and you just cuddle or dont initiate he may be seeing this a diversion tactic not to have sex. Therefore the huffing and puffing which is in his speak - I want sex, look its there. 

Its of cousrse different with a lady, unless you actually make contact with her in the right place he isnt going to realise yu are already for action.

There is a communication break here. Its strange (but not unheard of) to hear thata father isnt really actively getting involved with their son. Afetr all most dads will play the men games really easily like football, and toy cars. Where a dad playing with Barbies isnt normally "the man thing" . Before anyone shouts im stereotyping, Im trying to dumb down the example.
My daughter at 8 played with driving games and ralley similators through her choice and beat the butt off me a few times (Im a proud dad!)

The issue of date nights is significant. When you go out you have to accomodate your son. Therefore little adult fun and conversation from either of you. 

He NEEDS to be able to talk to you and it seems you to him again. This is clear because he is sulking instead of saying whats on his mind. You both need to be able to just have at least an hour each evening when its you two. That will be a bed time thing for the child and we all know that a young child has an uncanny radar which will go off in their sleep as soon as "mummy and daddy" are getting to close together. Cancel sex mode, initiate "now go to sleep darling mode".

Look at talking to him about a night out. Could either grandparents get involved here? Brothers sisters etc jst to allow you to have a 2 or 3 hours break together. Then be happy to get home and relax, maybe have some contact. 
Build it up. It is going to be strage to go from a zero to all out situation anyway. Talk to him about making the first step, what you like etc - heck even whisper it in his ear when your out and find a quite corner to have a intermate, quite conversation. IT sound like hes broken the practice of seducing you and to a degree you - him. You need to get back there and find that basic starting point. He also need to work at the communication. Stomping about and throwing his toys out is not a really sexy way to get you in the mood. If hes embarressed, and yes people still are to a degree in some marridges embarressed to say sexual things to each other then it needs to build without either of you feeling the other will be shocked by what is a normal thing to want.

I hope it works out for you....


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