# Too little too late but what about depression?



## thehillbilly (Jun 11, 2008)

OK where to start .... I have been married just over 20 years. We married very young. To make a long story short, we have had very good and some bad times over the years. No children but we do help out with family. 

Let me cut to the basics for ease of reading. I am now ready to leave and we are in a bad place obviously. We have been in this situation two other times. We used to argue (silence, grudges, etc but not real shouting and all) very often. Typically things need to be her way of thinking .. we have argued before because I do not think the same of this event or that. 

Over the years, I have given in far too often and that was actually a bad mistake as she needed somoene stronger. I love my friends and can depend on them but she does not like to socialize ... once a month to have friends over or play cards or something was refered to as "being a social butterfly" ... so I allowed myself to see my friends less and less often and alienated some. 

The next item was control ... it was a topic for arguments when I wanted to do something alone or when I was determined to do something she did not agree with. Now as for professionally I must say she supported me there and backed my decisions... on life though we differed. This did improve some over time.

For the last 10 years we did not have sex all that often ... maybe once a week or two and I almost always initiated and it was like she was doing me a favor ... and I have to say that I'm no jerk about it ... flowers, kisses, foreplay ... but anyway that was that and she was a workaholic at this time

Also for more than 10 years I do almost every household chore ... she cooks a couple of times a year does not pickup after herself more than the rare occasion and I have brought this up ... it was not a partnership. 

The last two items changed recently ... history: a year and a half ago while still a workaholic, she started taking Lexpro. Now this drug fully titrates in 6 weeks .. but anyway ... after a year and a half AND very recently changing jobs (not by choice - position eliminated) she became less the workaholic and started to read romance novels (as in within a couple months 50 or more of them). 

All of the sudden, she started really wanting sex and wanting to kissm, etc. And though I wanted to enjoy the change it instead made me feel resentful for all the years ignored (hey women flirt with me and all often enough, I was being good) .. so there is this sudden interest and she got upset that I really didn't share it. 

After a month or two, that came to a head and when she asked I told her that though I wanted to it made me feel uncomfortable and a little resentful for all that time .. and I brought up the housework again ... she had more time now and still would not just pitch in around the house and that this did nothing to put me in the mood either (oh yeh we both work over 40 hrs a week so not like I am lounging).... she did not like this and we sort of talked about it a couple more times ... after we had been arguing and all, I eventually realized and had to tell her (and this sounded awful coming from my mouth) but I love her but am not in love with her) ... the chemistry is just out now ... and I really want to be by myself .. I just want to live alone. 

We talked less and frankly I was cold towards her a few weeks .. we finally talked and she said I needed to decide what I wanted and after another 2 weeks, I said that I wanted to be on my own ... she was deeply hurt of course and accused me of being a quitter and not wanting to try and all ....

She said that the problem was that she had suffered from depression and only now felt like herself. She also started to do lots more around the house though at times just slightly grudgingly.... only when I was really ready to leave did she Finally send me a note with these wonderful things in it ... after years she opened up and started talking to me and telling me these things ... she even said that she saw how she had acted over those years but it was the depression and the job and all ...

The thing is this is all too little too late... for the last 5 years or so I thought I could just get by and be happy enough with the happy times but when this opened up for me I just don't feel it anymore and I just can't get into the thought of staying married ... but between the being called a quitter and such things and being accused of not sticking by my wife in a sickness .... I wanted to make sure so I came back to the house and agreed to go to counseling to see ..... 

I think that may be foolish of me but now I stuck my foot in and commmitted ... I tried a few times before to get her to go and once she went and would not go back; now she is asking for it .. the last time I went on 6 visits solo and learned much ... I had low self esteem for example and I needed to learn to stand up for myslef (yup I can admit that I was weak). Basically I really wasn't too fond of the guy in the mirror ... now I think that he has work to do but he is pretty cool. I just think I may have made a mistake and lead her on by agreeing ... I just cannot get the desire to REALLY try to make it work ... that isn't what I want it seems.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I think depression can definitely cloud your thinking and although you go through the motions day to day, you aren't really living...it's very hard to show affection in that state of mind. It does sound like she's gotten through that.

I can see why over this many years you now feel too little too late. Sometimes it just is. It is also possible to get the spark back. With all the time you've already put in and now seeing real change in your wife, why not go to counseling with an open mind and see what can come of it? You may discover things about her that cause you to feel more empathy and less resentful, or not but you'll never know if you go in with a closed mind that it just won't work.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Sometimes a spouse who has not given proper attention to their marriage can make drastic changes when truly faced with the loss of their marriage. It’s call therapy with a 2X4. I’m a prime example of this. The question is, will she stick with it? If you think about how life would be with her in this “improved” state, would you be happier in the marriage. Are you hesitant to stay because you don’t think she has really changed or are you holding a bit of a grudge? If it is a grudge you need to put it away and give her a fair chance. If you’ve read many of my posts you know I always want couples to try and recover if there is no abuse or lack of respect among the parties. Since she is willing and wanting counseling I believe you owe her that much. But if you really don’t want the marriage to work and won’t give it a chance then the counseling won’t help. It takes two. I recommend you approach it with an open mind, give things some time and start the counseling. If it doesn’t work out you’ll be no worse off. Good luck.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

So when she finally gave you the wife you wanted you are done?

In the end the choice is yours, only you know what can make you happy. But after twenty plus years invested don't you think giving it a bit of time and being thankful that she is finally changing is worth something?

draconis


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## thehillbilly (Jun 11, 2008)

Good points all. Yes, there is a small amount of grudge mixed for me and I am working on it .... Draconis .. you make a good point and one that she made as well. 

I don't like that it happened like this but by the time she came around I feel spent ... used up all my reserves and I can't look at her eyes or her face or aven give a small kiss and feel something towards her .... and yes I'll admit with the change being immense on her part and sudden I suspect it is less a real change and more a reaction though I know that may not be correct. 

Thanks all!! Still working on it. Ah and I'm sure others have said this too .... I feel like two people and that is mydoing over time. I am one person with her and another without and I like the man who is without .... he has backbone and is very good to his friends and family.

Just the same .... yes that is a lot of time to have invested and not all was bad.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

One thing to conside is a bit of change yourself. The idea that maybe a hobby even something as simple as the gym might help you change and cause a ripple effect into your marriage. Change isn't always bad, and maybe you need a boost that only you can give to yourself.

draconis


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## momof2 (Jul 28, 2008)

I realize this thread was from a while ago, but I'm new to this board. I just wanted to say to the OP that I am in exactly the same position and I feel your pain.

If you're still around, please post an update.


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