# I don't want to give up hope, I want to believe



## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

UGH! On Sepember 1st it will be 8 months since my H left. It was New Years Eve and he decided he was not going to have another year like 2008 so he walked out. We have 2 small children and have been married for 8 years. His reasoning - I am not in love with you anymore and I need to focus on making myself happy now. Did anyone notice when they signed their marriage license if there was a expiration date? I didn't see it. 
Anyway as awful as this has been, I have discovered alot about myself and how much I contributed to the dismiss of my marriage. Which I have completely taken responsibility for and told him I am very sorry. I was such a negative person, without even realizing how negative I was. I am now trying sooooo hard to change my thoughts and actions. However it doesn't seem to matter. 
He has been able to keep right on walking out the door when his children are crying for him. Something I will never understand. I have had alot to deal with with his career. He does hair and is a singer. Equates to alot of women. Doesn't help that I have always been very insecure. 
My father died very unexpectably last year and I did not have a clue how to handle that. So what happened was I held on to my H even tighter. I thought for sure he would leave me too and I was gonna find out why he would. Yes I lost my damn mind and questioned everything he did. He did not understand what I was going through and neither did I so I can't blame him.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

I have read other post on here that remind me so much of what I am going through. It is so up and down. Somedays I am crying uncontrollably and screaming other days not so much. The only happy days have been after sex with H. Which has stopped again. He is so affected by my words and just can't seem to get over anything I say. One night I got so drunk, called him and cussed him out. I do not even remember! He still holds that against me. I feel like I take 1 step forward and then 10 steps backwards. I love this man so much and it doesn't seem to be enough for him. After all he is all about making himself happy right now. 
I have read soooo many goddamn books I feel like I am going insane. The best books so far are from Gary Chapman "The five love languages" and others. I have tried everything, but then I slip and question him about where he has been or someething and bam! start all over again. Tonight I asked him as he left if he was really that mad at me and he said I am not angry with you, I am angry that you still think the way you do and you said you had changed that. *punch in the stomach* 
What do I do? How do you get through to the person you love the most and get them to realize what a mistake they are making before they actually go beyond the point of no return?


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Believe said:


> I have read other post on here that remind me so much of what I am going through. It is so up and down. Somedays I am crying uncontrollably and screaming other days not so much. The only happy days have been after sex with H. Which has stopped again. He is so affected by my words and just can't seem to get over anything I say. One night I got so drunk, called him and cussed him out. I do not even remember! He still holds that against me.


believe..just be fair with me, okay. what if HE got all drunked up and called YOU and cussed you out? how would that be? you are one foot in the grave and one foot on a banana peel, and THAT is how you conduct yourself? you want the man back? is that any way to show it?


Believe said:


> I feel like I take 1 step forward and then 10 steps backwards. I love this man so much and it doesn't seem to be enough for him. ?


where did you learn the "get drunk and cuss him out" technique?
it's time you reevaluate yourself, what you want, and what you will do to accomplish that goal.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

That's the thing, I am trying so hard, however one night I did drink too much and I guess I let it all out. I honestly don't even know what I said, but I guess all the hurt I was feeling was released. 
I think he needed to hear that pain. What is someone suppose to do when the person they love the most throws them away like yesterday's trash? 
I have learned that his love language is "words of affirmation" which I apply almost daily now. What happened to working it out? Why do people think that running away will solve anything? It drives me crazy.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

Ok so here is my current dilema. My H and I have never really set a schedule for the time we spend with the kids. He can't take them to where he is living as he is just sleeping on a couch. It seems that we just wing it. He still has the key to our place and picks up the kids from daycare, takes them home about 3 nights a week. He is very comfortable and usually naps on the couch. He stays here until the kids are sleeping and then he leaves. So he pretty much has the best of both worlds. He comes and goes as he pleases here with the kids and then he goes and does whatever he wants. He doesn't have any responsibilities at night and all day and if he is too tired he calls and says he can't make it. Gee I wish I could do that when I am too tired. 
I am wondering if it is time for some tough love, so that he can get a taste of what it is really going to be like. It's been 8 months already. My mom is coming to town this week and I thought finally the kids and I will be so busy that we won't be here all the time for him. I don't want to intentionaly hurt him, but I think he needs to feel left out for a change. After all that is what will happen if we get divorced. The kids b-days are coming up and I want to do things with them and feel that I don't have to invite him along. So far we have done everything together. Mothers day was wonderful, Fathers day was wonderful. The kids and I even took him out to dinner for his b-day. 
Help! What do I do? Obviously what I have been doing is not working so do you think some reality will help it sink in that he left the family?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I'm not sure what has been done up to this point. You said you like Gary Chapman's books and you've done alot of readin.

Had your H ever considered marriage counseling? 

Does he want a divorce? Have you spoken of the future?

If he wants out and isn't willing to try....then yes tough love may be something you want to try. 

I have a thread Love Must be Tough and I'm currently doing this with my H. My youngest kid is 15 years. I may be a bit more difficutl with younger kids and the amount of contact you need. Although tough love contact is mostly mutual business (kids/finances). 

It very difficult to live this way for 8 months. Have you considered some counseling for yourself?


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

We tried counseling back in 2008 and had an awful experience. The therapist was not very pro marriage and concentrated on everything negative. It left a very sour taste in my H mouth about therapy. I am currently looking for a therapist for myself, one that is recommended or has a good history working with helping to repair relationships but also has to be on my insurance plan. Not an easy task. 
I have read your post regarding tough love and it truly inspired me to start writing on here. 
I have been trying to love unconditionally and be very supportive of his career. Trying very hard to respond with only positive words. I guess I have been trying to make him see that I can change for the better and that he is a huge part of this family and is very important. Something he says he didn't feel before. 
He says he doesn't know what the future holds. I guess it depends on the day and his mood. One time during a discussion I had asked him if he is 100% sure about leaving then why hasn't he filed for divorce. He spun it around so quickly and said I can do that if you want, is that what you want then I will file right away. (which he never did of course) He is a man of very few words and never can commit to a yes or no answer. I guess that helps him keep one foot inside the door. 
Up until this past week he was hugging me very tight every night before leaving. We text each other everyday and talk on the phone at least once a day about how our day is going and stuff. I do see him 5 to 6 days a week. Some days it feels like the only he is not doing is physically sleeping here. This has gone on long enough. I think tough love might slap some sense into him.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Keep trying on getting yourself a counselor. It will be important to explore you self and the negativity that you have plus a place to vent. There are good counselors out there...sometimes you get a few toads. 

Try not to talk too much about the relationship. At this point, it's like stirring the pot. 

Many people have tried or are trying the Love Dare. This might be something to look into. It's 40 days of positive things that you do in your marriage. 

It's frustrating to be in the LIMBO. It will take plenty of time to get out of it....try to be patient. This is a really hard time.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

Thank you so much Corpus. I am trying to be patient and most days I do ok. If I could just learn to bite my tongue. :scratchhead:


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

Ok so after a whole week and one day I got a hug tonight when he left. Still not talking much to me though. I have been doing the tough love with only discussing the kids. Mom comes in tomorrow and then it's busy, busy, busy! So I will clearly have zero time for him or to even think about him. God I hope this works. I went out this past weekend, did a fashion show. It was great. He called me when I was there to tell me he was proud of me. (I have never done anything like this before.) 
Ok, the honest truth. After he left tonight I did send him a few flirty text messages. He hasn't responded. UGH! I have no will power. I just want my H back! I miss having a partner. I am so emotionally drained, I wonder how much more I can take. Today made exactly 8 months since he walked out.


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## Treadingcarefully (Sep 1, 2009)

Believe said:


> He can't take them to where he is living as he is just sleeping on a couch. ... He stays here until the kids are sleeping and then he leaves. So he pretty much has the best of both worlds.


My situation is a bit different, but my W said the same about me. Maybe you might be wrong about it, maybe not. I don't know the guy.
My wife said, and acted like I was having it easy staying somewhere else while she did all the work after I was gone. It wasn't true. 
She was staying in a nice warm, clean house with our 2 kids, and I was alone in a dump, with people who were driving me nuts, but I couldn't talk to. I couldn't face eating there because of the filth I'd have to clean off the cooker after they had eaten.
I couldn't help her with the kids at night because she didn't want me to hang around after she got back from work or whatever she was doing. (She arranged to be out of the house when I came to spend time with the kids)
I went to bed every night missing my kids. I used to read bedtime stories and laugh with them. Now I had become a part time father.
I left after my wife got very angry with me, and really crossed a line. She complained that I had given her Dad a tool with missing parts, and he needed it for work that day.
I had bought this thing FOR her Dad to use, and it had a special bolt that I didn't have a key for, so I bought another size bolt that I could get a key for. What they were doing was putting BOTH bolts on and the thing didn't work.
So, I'm upstairs, tidying kids clothes before I go to work and I'm called down to explain this. I go into the kitchen and I'm assuming it's the normal 'honey can you fix this' type of situation, so I go to pick up the tool to see what's wrong, and then the war starts. SHE wants to TELL me what's wrong. (If she knows what's wrong, why call me?)
So she is making a terrible job of this and I say to just give the thing to me and stop acting silly. She loses the head, starts screaming and whips me around the head a couple of times with a tea towel in front of her Dad and our kids and keeps on screaming. 
I left, cos I had warned her about this type of thing before. 
She never apologised. She just said 'it didn't come from nowhere'. I said, I don't care where it came from, it was WRONG.
She always acted like all the wrong was on my side, and even my housing situation was somehow a sign that I had it good and she didn't. 
It's not easy to be a part time father when wanting to be a full time Dad to wonderful children.
The first two or three weeks, she phone my mother to come look after the kids on the days I normally would have gone, and made some excuse that it was to give me more time to do other things for myself. 
Then she decided I had abandoned her, and wouldn't tell me how she felt. We went to one session of counselling. She still hasn't said why we didn't go to the second one, except once she said that she thought I didn't want to go. 
It worries me that she can hear me say "when is the next session" and understand that as "I have no interest in going".
Anyway, things trundle on for a few more weeks like this, and I'm getting more tired and annoyed. HArd to sleep at where I've gone, and I'm trying to keep customers for my newly launched business.
Then she sits me down and says, she'd met someone else and it had been going on for 4-5 weeks. (so started about 3-4 weeks after I walked out. 
I went upstairs and saw the box of condoms in the drawer was missing about 5 condoms since I left. They'd been doing it in OUR bed, with our youngest in the cot next to the bed, and our other daughter in the next room.
The neighbours knew, but I didn't. I'd been coming there and wondering why the neighbours were looking at me like that, y'know the 'poor fool, he doesn't know' look.
A few days after she told me, she told me that she felt like running away with the kids and staying away from relationships
but she also said she wasn't ashamed of seeking someone, cos she had nobody (as if I had simply walked away on a whim and never gone to counselling!) 
I called around to tell her that she can't go on feeling like crap. She has to be strong and happy mother for her kids and while I don't like what happened, that I think her affair won't last past a honeymoon period if she adopts the same behaviour with this new guy. 
She broke up with him the next day and wanted us to try again.
I found out he is married, 30 years older with kids almost as old as we are, and a serial cheater on his wife. My wife doesn't believe that, she thinks he's honest and generous (well he is rich and can throw spare cash at her for gifts, but that's like the start of most relationships... he never told his wife, nor left her like he promised to)

I said I'd try if she would. I want to believe as well, but I think I'm being foolish.
Since we got back together, she's still cutting me over the smallest things, and praising this guy she had the affair with.
I'm looking to move back out, even though she seems to be clinging to me now, and I don't think he would actually take her in despite what he says.
I just don't think it's healthy to stay there, and the kids deserve a home where nobody is walking on eggshells. 

Anyway, my comment became a post, sorry, but the point being is, just cos he doesn't have to get up in the middle of the night for kids that doesn't mean his nights are easy.
I've been back home for a few weeks, and it's easier to get up at 3am for an hour to feed and rock a baby than it is to stay in the dump I was in, where going to bed without kissing the kids good night was very hard to do.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

You been in the mess for along time. How good are you with the tough love? It won't work half way...just to let you know. 

If you are still having sex with him or flirty texts...that's not tough love. All those things are pursuing behaviors.

He wanted out. Now he has both sides the confort of home and touching base when he wants with his kids and you. Plus, he gets his freedom to do "whatever" he wants.

In my opinion, I would structure the separation better. I don't want the kids to suffer. However, if this were a divorce would you allow him the same leeway? Tough love is about setting boundaries and gaining some control for youself. Some examples would be:
1. Call before stopping by
2. No calling just to talk...it must be mutual business (kids, etc)
3. No sex
4. A letter/verbally giving him a "let go" letter. Stating your love and wish for the marriage to work. Stating also that you won't wait forever.

This is an example but you are allowing him to come and go as he pleases. It's already been 8 months. You may need to get tougher to bring things to a head for your sanity. This stopping by and sleeping on the couch....that's shouldn't be a reality for him. Set up a schedule together.


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## Treadingcarefully (Sep 1, 2009)

Believe said:


> UGH! On Sepember 1st it will be 8 months since my H left. It was New Years Eve and he decided he was not going to have another year like 2008.


What was 2008 like? What did he mean by that? Did you ask him? Did he tell you? 
Unless he's a complete basket case, there has to be something that was making him unhappy. Did you try to address it, while asking him to address the issues you have with him?


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

Well in the beginning of 2008 is when my father passed away unexpectedly and I did not know how to handle that. I was so afraid to lose someone else in my life that I clung on to my H. I guess I suffocated him. I was trying to find any reason why he might leave i.e. checking his phone, internet. What I did find was that he had some female friends that I was unaware of. I had never heard their names before and he was talking to them daily on the phone. I saw some flirty emails to another woman from his hometown. Everything got to me and I questioned it all. He was very defensive and never tried to make me feel more secure with our relationship. 
He has not been very friendly today at all. If we have a conversation where I ask him about anything he gets angry and then won't talk to me for days. I was up late last night looking for some important paperwork, after 45 minutes and it was already 12:45am I called him to ask if he had it. He said yes I did. So I questioned why he needed it and why hadn't he told me he took it. I guess he took it about 5 months ago and forgot to bring it back. I didn't yell I was more like ok but I need it in the morning. Which he said he would bring it first thing. I was on my way to my 9:00am appt and called him only to find out that he was running late. Still I didn't yell or anything I figured out a way to handle it. He was so grumpy all day and didn't come by tonight to see the kids or my Mom who just got into town.
I don't know if he is mad at me or maybe angry with himself?


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

So Treadingcarefully I guess like you he was just sick of dealing with his wife and had enough and left. What made you go back? I have tried to be super nice and caring and positive. Its not working. Somedays it feels like he starts to come around but then feels things getting to comfortable and pulls away. I am thinking tough love now. Maybe if he is taken out of the family equation like he choose he will feel what it will be like with a divorce. Our D's birthday is this weekend. I do not have any plans on inviting him to come with us to Disney. I get so torn though - do I let him feel left out and miss out on something or do I have him come and prove to him that we can have fun together as a family? HELP? what should I do?


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## Treadingcarefully (Sep 1, 2009)

Believe said:


> So Treadingcarefully I guess like you he was just sick of dealing with his wife and had enough and left.


Well, I had warned her before more than once. It wasn't the first time she'd lashed out like that. 




Believe said:


> What made you go back?


I didn't want to leave. She said she still loved, me and I really felt sorry for her that she had felt so alone, but I think my guilt was misplaced. I'm rethinking the decision to come back now actually. The speed that I was dumped, and the fact that she let the other guy down very gently tells me that she really doesn't respect me.



Believe said:


> Do I let him feel left out and miss out on something or do I have him come and prove to him that we can have fun together as a family? HELP? what should I do?


Set boundaries. I don't think cutting someone out completely is a good idea. My wife tried that with me, thinking a kick up the butt would make me 'come around' and come back. When she stopped that tactic, and I was seeing the kids three times a week, it worked a lot better,... except that in the mean time, this other guy had started hitting on her, and being a shoulder to cry on... and of course, it turned into a full blown affair.
But the point being, you have to be tough but fair, not just being tough out of fear of being weak. It must be constructive, and clear why you're doing it, not just letting any impression of anger or bitterness.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

Ok help please! 
I just spent the day with my H and our children as well as my mom. It is our D's birthday and well he kinda just expected he was coming along. (he wants out but he still thinks he can have his cake and eat it too) Both of my children are very young and my D is having a very difficult time with the seperation. Having him there was good for her. However tonight when he had to leave in hurry cause he was just too tired, I told him "that today was very painful for me". I tried my best to be comfortable today however it all felt wierd. I wanted to reach out and touch him so many times and had to stop myself. I let him know that this will be the last time we spend either of the kids b-days all together. He of course was confused and was like why? He said its for the kids sake and we much sacifrice for them. I said "I know I have sacrificed enough." It was so goddamn painful today to be with my family and the man that I love more than anything and I know that he doesn't want to be with me. My eyes started to well up and I was not gonna go there. I told him that having my mom staying with me has helped me get used to him not being around so much. He has only been here twice this week and normally he would be here 5 to 6 nights. I said "this is where it is going anyway." He was like Huh? I said "yeah we need to make a schedule with the kids, this is what you wanted." I hate this so much!!! I just want him to reach out and take my hand or give me a hug and say he's sorry and wants to come home. But its been over 8 months. How stupid have I been! I also mentioned that I have been holding on to something that just isn't there and that I was sorry it took me this long to figure it out." He of course did not respond. He has invited himself to our BBQ tomorrow but I highly doubt he will be coming around now. My poor mom was crying this morning watching him play with the kids at breakfast. It breaks her heart as well. Especially when you see how much the kids adore him as much as I adore him.


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## tryintoo (Jul 29, 2009)

I am also going through the same thing you are. It hurts so much to see that our significant others take this as "hey we cant be togethger but we can still function as a family" well I think they do not realize how much it hurts us to be that way. everyone says that it will get better.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

Yesterday was my birthday and the night before at midnight my H texted me Happy Birthday, I thought that was so sweet and something he had never done in the past. Then in the morning he called me at work and sang Happy Birthday to me. He was busy last night and tonight so he says we will celebrate with the kids tomorrow. It's my choice whatever I want to do he told me. So I wonder is he is just being extra nice for the first time in 8 years for my B-day or does he really care? He also asked if I could get a babysitter tonight to go see his band play. Which was also wierd. I told him I would try. I didn't have any luck finding one but I did not tell him that. I texted him a little while ago and told him I was out and about and I would try to make it to his show. I can't believe I actually lied, that is something I never do. But I feel like I am always available and seem to be waiting so I want him to feel that I have other things to do and my world does not just revolve around him. So I hope as he is performing he will be looking for me and then hopefully he will be disappointed that I couldn't make it. I don't know if this is right or wrong but then again what is? I wish I could be the supportive wife at all his shows however that is not the case anymore. I have flirted with him the last couple of times I saw him and his whole face breaks out in the biggest smile. What I wouldn't give for that man to just come home!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Believe that last post was right on!

Not being too available and flirting. Smart moves.

Keep it up.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

Ok seriously can someone help explain today? So my H had told me we would do something today for my birthday. He had a show last night and was appearantly too tired to get up this morning until 11:30 which at that point I had already taken the kids to breakfast and made some other plans. Needless to say he was upset. He didn't come over until 4:00. He never once mentioned the fact that I supposedly went out last night and never made it to his show. I had texted him this morning to say oh sorry I never made it , it was just to far to drive.  I noticed that he was staring at me everytime I looked in his direction. Then he stretched in front of me and I pretended like I was gonna punch him in the stomach. And in a flash he slapped me on my ass. I was like ouch and we laughed about it. It was strange. At the end of the night when he was leaving he gave me a big hug and asked if I was ok. I had several tears run down my face but I told him I would be fine. Then he made up the excuse that his back was hurting him and asked me to walk on it. After that he proceeded to leave again with another hug and well one thing led to another and we had amazing sex. So my question is what the hell? Obviously he is still attracted to me and does care. I just don't understand. It seems that whenever we start to get along good he really comes out of his shell. I just have to learn to keep my damn mouth shut and be supportive and kind. Everytime I start complaining about something he pulls away. I wonder if he is waiting to see if I can really change and have it stick. What do you think? I know we probably should not have had sex tonight, but it was way over due and I needed it. I think it has been about 5 weeks since we last had it. Which is confusing cause he left 8 months ago. You would think he would have found someone else for that at least. He is extremely gorgeous and is a singer, it would not be a problem for him at all. Actually that was our main problem, all the damn women interested in him while we were together and me never quite trusting him.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I think you should play hard to get in the sex department. Still flirting and still hug..but hard to get. I know what you want but you need to try a different tactic. You have been having sex with him over the 8 months. What has changed?


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