# I think I'm broken



## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

Hey Guys,
I'm pretty new here. Made a long and drawn out post the other day about all my issues with the wife.. but wanted to touch base about myself as well.

When I was young, I had all the misgivings about love and relationships possible. I was the poster-boy for nice guy, so I thought. I never really dated, was kind of the ugly duckling in school, but after graduation, I grew into an apparently more attractive guy, and found myself late in the game to relationships. Everything was always a "stead" relationship, no dating, FWB's, or anything. 

I tended to fall in love with every girl, and couldn't understand why I got cheated on and dumped 3x in the first year. All 3 devastated me personally and then I met 'the one'. She was a 10, both physically, and in the bedroom. She was experienced, but not ****ty- unless I wanted her to be :smthumbup: She taught me of desired I didn't even know I had. I will call her "G"

Anyways, the sparks flew. I believed in love at first sight, and this was it. We both shared the feelings equally. It was like we looked into each others souls and knew and loved each other our whole lives. We moved in together almost immediately. At times, the relationship was strained simply because we were young and dumb and didn't know what we were doing (in life, that is), but more than anything, she had some severe jealousy issues that led to nagging, which over time increased to a level that I couldn't take much more of.

About 2.5 years in, I finally had it one day and left her. She begged me to come back for months, and stupid me thought I could do better. Knowing what I know today, I could have handled her jealousy better and probably have resolved it. I feel stupid.

I never stopped thinking about G. Over the following year, I knew I made a mistake, I wanted her back, but I was just too stubborn and stupid to just call her and tell her how I really felt. A couple of years went by and she eventually met and married another guy and started a family.

After a while, I had met another girl who was again a 10 physically, and I fell in puppy love with her. I know I didn't really love her, but was infatuated to the point of being completely controlled and dominated (not physically), but she really did a number on me- to keep a long story short, she mentally abused me, used me, drained my bank account, etc.. 

Then two years later, I meet another woman (in my late 20's at this point), and after only a few days together, I realized that the spark, the real one, was there. We got along famously, had nothing but fun together for 3 months straight. The only issue was her ex BF.. he was constantly calling her, and apparently a very abusive man. He made threats constantly towards her if she didn't come back to him. She refused to involve the police, and said they couldn't help against guys like him, who have no respect of the law or consequences. 

Apparently, he found out about me, and told her if she didn't come back to him, that he would hunt me down and kill me. She slipped away in the middle of the night, leaving me a note telling me this, that she loved me so much that she was going back to him to ensure my safety. According to her, he had killed before. Part of me is relieved that my life moved on without incident, but let me tell you, I was a wreck emotionally for about a year after that one.

So I eventually met my wife. She's about a 5, honestly. I went for the 'ugly' girl because part of my brain told me that the beautiful ones were just too messed up, too much baggage, etc.

Only to realize after marriage that she's worse than any of them in the past, as far as personality goes. She's a wreck, doesn't work, sits at home getting fatter all day. Anyways..

The title of my post- My views on women since about my 4th year of marriage have gone to nil. I no longer view them as eequals, but messed up, emotional trainwrecks. When I speak about them, it's obvious listening to myself that I've become extremely biased and disconnected. I find myself applying discriminations based on experiences, mostly regarding how they think- I view trick questions with cynicism (does this dress make me look fat?), (which shirt should I wear?). Questions like that now enrage me, and my answer is usually something snarky and dismissive. The constant testing (it's me or ____ , or "that guy insulted me, WHAT are you going to do about it), absolutely enrage me, and at that point I will tell her to F off.

I understand that it's a measure of self-defense- which in a way makes me sad. I no longer have any romantic feelings, and I'm sure I come off as cold and measured to women. 

Except one. I still feel the same way about G. I ran into her a little while ago, and it was amazing- she looks like she hasn't aged one bit. She's separated from her husband, and the sparks between us were undeniable, to the point that we both remarked on it. We talked about how it ended and she admitted as much as I did to our mistakes and that it always felt "meant to be". We've both got our problems, and I'm afraid that we will probably never cross paths again. Sadly, I've thought about her for the last 20 years. No woman has ever compared to her, or ever will. It reminds me of that meatloaf song about people constantly being hung up on someone other than who they are with, but that's pretty much it.

What can I say? Thanks for reading, sorry for the long winded rant.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

"We've both got our problems."

I agree. You've shown repeated and frequent bad judgement and until you can stop searching for happiness elsewhere, you are never going to find it. The harder you look for it - the more elusive it will be. You will again jump from one bad situation into another in a never ending cycle of misery if you are not thinking with a clear head.

You have a sick, depressed wife. What have you done about it besides wondering how good your life would be otherwise? Have you taken any action or are you just gobsmacked with indecisiveness and paralyzed by the weight of all of it?

I assure you - nothing is going to change until you make the decision to make something happen - to make some kind of positive change on top of the work and life load you say you are already shouldering.

You are daydreaming about a fantasy better life which may or may not exist when you need to be focusing on what you need to do to improve your 'real' life.

Did you look into having her meds checked? Have you considered what your options might be for taking the baby and going somewhere else? Are you able to take a leave of absence from work (Union? Big company policy? Government? something like that) to attend to family matters? Who can help? parents? in-laws? someone to help with the baby?

You have devolved into saying your wife is a '5' and daydreaming about past girlfriends. You need to suck it up and get your a$$ in gear pal. What are you going to do?


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Kaboom said:


> The title of my post- My views on women since about my 4th year of marriage have gone to nil. I no longer view them as eequals, but messed up, emotional trainwrecks. When I speak about them, it's obvious listening to myself that I've become extremely biased and disconnected. I find myself applying discriminations based on experiences, mostly regarding how they think- I view trick questions with cynicism (does this dress make me look fat?), (which shirt should I wear?). Questions like that now enrage me, and my answer is usually something snarky and dismissive. The constant testing (it's me or ____ , or "that guy insulted me, WHAT are you going to do about it), absolutely enrage me, and at that point I will tell her to F off..


Swap your perception a bit. It isn’t just women. Everyone is a bit messed up including yourself. Everyone is unique, but they all have good and bad in them... Here’s the ugly side though. You add a selective filter to define who you want them to be. 

So, take G... she is in your mind who you want her to be. I’d bet your “views on women” exclude her right now; She’s special right? Depending on your infatuation, you will ignore the ‘bad’ in favor of the ‘good’ to help you see something ‘better’ about her. You are simply taking a positive spin on her every action. I mean seriously, she lets a married man know there are sparks? Isn’t that a bad character trait or would be IF she was telling that to another married man instead of you? But your filter sees it as a good thing for you right? Doh...

Same with your wife; Currently you are using that filter to see ‘the worst’ and devaluing her ‘best’. As long as you do that, she doesn’t stand a chance. Its as simple as taking a negative perception on her every action. So your wife is fat and lazy... I’d bet you overlook all those things she does do because that doesn’t agree with your new perception of how you want her to be so you can leave her. Was she really a 5 before G or is it after?

If you can stop yourself from selectively cherry picking thoughts and information to form or steer yourself to a certain definition of who that person is, you’ll be much better off. Focus instead on accepting the good and the bad and how you are trying to steer your thoughts toward either a positive or negative perception. Then weigh it all against what you value. If you can start seeing yourself do this filtering, it adds some clarity... 

It is also probably why you flip from woman to woman always making yourself believe ‘they are better’, then after being with them, you recognize your own fantasy doesn’t match up to reality... So you find some new “better”, start seeing them that way and the old one in a bad way, etc. Revolving door. Maybe learn to accept them as a whole instead of creating a fantasy before you commit.


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

One of the reasons I don't like writing is that I don't have that ability to transfer my thoughts and feelings into words properly. Reading back on what I wrote and your comments I can understand that I came off poorly and did not even come close to what is in my head and my heart.

To clarify a couple of points- 

I don't think I daydream all day about the one who got away, but I most certainly do live with the regret of not sticking with the one who was, after all my experiences has taught me, my soul mate. I alone screwed that up and was too young and stupid to see it. That is a regret that I've always carried, and always will. I cannot help the way I feel, and can't make excuses for it, but it is as simple as that.

I didn't jump from woman to woman- I was serious with only 4 or 5 women in 10 years- and never ran around or acted like a player. I was merely looking to for someone to love, to get married, have kids, get the house with the white picket fence. All of that is moot at this point in my life. I never once cheated or disrespected those women, in fact, I was genuine and caring, and for the most part, ended up heartbroken not only by being cast aside or cheated on, but also because I couldn't seem to make anything work, no matter how hard I tried. With exception to the one other who left for my safety, those women were bad people who left me bitter and cold, which was a lot of the point of this post - but also just letting all my relationship frustrations out for the first time in my life.

I can't stress enough how much I've just cared and tried to make the right decisions and choices. I had always taken great strides to be everything to them. I got stepped on pretty bad a few times, all which led me to be defensive and reserved.

My marriage is now 11 years, longer than most. I've been faithful, and a damn good husband and father. She treats me like a doormat, and resents me, all detailed in my post in the general relationship forum- but in the end, she has only made me far more bitter.

Me and "G" had an open honesty that I've never had with anyone else, and she's separated now, which allowed her to be open with me about our previous relationship- that's all I was saying regarding the discussion about the sparks still flying.

I'm sure I will only invite more criticism by posting this additional response, but like I said- I'm airing out my thoughts, poorly, but I'm trying also not to be dishonest or cover up my real thoughts into something more socially acceptable. We all have faults.


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## MrHappy (Oct 23, 2008)

Your problem is your looking for "the one" and the typical NG crap that goes with it. I've been there too. Eject the current one if she won't. In your messages I see nothing about you except you try to be "the best" (NG) for your wife. Stop living for them and live for YOU! Set some boundaries and stick to them.

I'm not saying you can't have a great marriage with your current wife. If I knew what I knew now back when dating my wife, I would have dump her back then but she has changed in a lot of things and become a great wife.


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

MrHappy said:


> Your problem is your looking for "the one" and the typical NG crap that goes with it. I've been there too. Eject the current one if she won't. In your messages I see nothing about you except you try to be "the best" (NG) for your wife. Stop living for them and live for YOU! Set some boundaries and stick to them.
> 
> I'm not saying you can't have a great marriage with your current wife. If I knew what I knew now back when dating my wife, I would have dump her back then but she has changed in a lot of things and become a great wife.


Good advice MrH, thanks for the response.

I do at some level now live what I like to call a double life. I'm involved in a "hobby" with my friends (keeping it anonymous in case the wife just so happens to be on this forum lol) which gets me out of the house 1 night a week and takes up a couple of sat nights a month. Sometimes the guys involve the wives, but mine caused so much drama and BS that I had to just cut her off and separate that part of my life from my life with her. It took a long time for her to accept it, but I put my foot down and demanded it. We nearly got divorced over it, but I refused to back down.

I'm not sure what NG means- I'm new here so I don't have all the acronyms down. 

I'm not really certain I'm looking for "the one" anymore- I know that was once my entire goal in life, but after being married for more than 10 years, and discovering that I hate marriage, not just to her, but the whole idea of it- No, I'm no longer looking for the one- I would not ever again get married or live with a woman if I end up single (one can hope). My points about the 'soul mate' were just observational about myself. I knew there was something strong between us when we were together, but I hadn't realized that she was 'the one' until more than a year after it was over. I could go into detail about why I feel that way, but it would be a book for sure.


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