# husband cheated while very drunk



## corin (May 10, 2013)

Hello everyone,


My husband had a one night stand with an ex girlfriend (well she was not really a girlfriend, more like a friend with benefits) at a party. I was there at the party too and we were sleeping over. I went to sleep before my husband did and this woman came on to my husband by telling him she wasn't happy in her marriage. They were both very drunk (husband was wasted). They hugged and started kissing. They also at some point were on the couch with her on top of him (he invited her over to the couch) and he put his hand down her pants until someone walked in on them. I know all of this because he told me the following day. I was in complete shock, I never ever imagined he would do this. He feels horrible about it and is scared of losing me. We've been married 10 years. He cut off contact with her (i saw him send her the text) and she agreed they should not be in contact. We are in our mid 30's and do not have children so I don't know if I should divorce him and find someone more responsible and respectful of our marriage or work through it. Any advice?


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Being drunk had nothing to do with it.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

My advice is stop making excuses for him. He wasn't wasted enough to remember inviting her over to his couch, putting his hands on her, and then being caught. At least he told you, although I would be more concerned that the only reason that he told you was because he is afraid that the person he was caught by was going to spill the beans.

You need to sit down and talk about it in full and he needs to give full transparency. All accounts' passwords, phone records, etc. You need to decide on boundaries if you want to continue with the marriage. I feel that he is using the drinking as an excuse to marginalize the actions. You need to pursue counseling (if you wish to save the marriage) as he has little boundaries and is very easily swayed. You need to find out why this is. Drunk or not, he was conscious enough to know what he was doing, remember it, and tell it to you (I believe to cover himself in case the other person told as well as it is always better coming from the WS than a friend). Is this the first time this has happened or have issues been in the marriage? Think these things through and decide based upon your responses.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Don't use that excuse of being drunk.

I've been smashed before and didn't sleep with people I didn't want to sleep with.

He cheated. with you there.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

MrK said:


> Being drunk had nothing to do with it.


110% true.

If he screwed her while drunk, he'd do so sober. So that is no excuse. He wanted her and betrayed you out of disrespect and no love towards you.

I suggest throwing him out for 60-90 days, get your mind right without undue pressure, and decide how you want to move forward either with or without him.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Totally up to you at this point.

Ball is in your court. 

Is OW married?

I caught my wife in a similar situation about 5 years into our marriage. We worked through it and it was hard, but we had 2 kids to consider by that time. But I can tell you if any clothes had been removed and it had gone any farther I would have divorced her on the spot.

Sacrifice is a part of marriage but so is self respect. One boundary that came of this is that she consumes zero alcohol when I am not with her. And she is drinking while we are together, when I say time for bed or let go home she leaves with me - no argument.

She still knows after all these years that I never trusted her alone again where alcohol is involved.


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## TimesOfChange (Mar 20, 2013)

In vino veritas, the Alcohol surfaced the truth.


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## corin (May 10, 2013)

Thank all of you for your replies. It's so hard for me to grasp that it wasn't the alcohol that caused this because it is so uncharacteristic for him. Or maybe it isn't and I'm fooling myself! We have not really had any other major issues in the relationship for the most part, although we don't have a very affectionate or loving relationship. It is usually me begging him for more affection, and I know he would like sex more often than I do. This is probably a pretty common issue in marriages I would imagine.

As for the OW, she is married. Her husband found out about what happened by overhearing her on the phone with her sister. He sent me a message on facebook telling me he knows what happened and not only did she hook up with my husband but she was having an EA with someone she met online. He threw her out of the house and she is staying with her mother. I think maybe I should do the same.

My husband claims he has no interest in her and is not attracted to her at all. He had every chance to be with her way back and there is a reason he is not with her and with me instead. He said he was telling her "we shouldn't be doing this" while they were doing it.


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## corin (May 10, 2013)

Also, he says he will never drink again, but I don't believe this.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

corin said:


> Also, he says he will never drink again, but I don't believe this.


Does he often drink to the point of being wasted?


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## corin (May 10, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> Does he often drink to the point of being wasted?


He doesn't drink alone but yes when we go out he does drink to the point of being wasted.


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

Hold him to what he's saying, corin. I might even write it down. Sit down and have a talk. Let him know you love him and you want to work through this, but obviously some limits have to be set.

Then, when he's telling you he's so sorry and all the things he'll do to make it right, write them down. Make that list in Sharpie and show it to him afterwards and say "if you do any of the things on this list again, even once, I will leave you".

My husband used to have drinking problems as well - I actually sent him to a Substance Abuse Counselor at one point in our marriage. I'm not saying you have to be that dramatic, but I might bring up that you'd like him to speak to a AA hotline or something to put that sort of binge drinking into perspective. It's fine to drink a lot once in a while, but every time you go out is a bit excessive.

It's not easy to do, I know, but a lot of other posters on here will tell you, sometimes you have to be willing to give up your marriage in order to make it work. Even if this was "only" once and "only" because he was drunk, it shows he has the capability to cheat. Nip that in the bud.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Ok, first of all I would compare stories with the OWH, I would start looking for information, text, emails, phone calls ext, think back any red flags? Any unbelievable or off stories? What does your gut tell you? Does he take medication that should not be mixed with alcohol? Alcohol lowers inhibitions, but it's not the excuse. Also, how much does he drink? Does he have a problem? Are these sleep overs a problem? How was your marriage before this? 

I'm not asking you to answer this to here, this is more of what my thought process would be.

Here's a helpful link to get you started:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My opinion probably isn't popular but I think anybody has the capacity to cheat given the right set of circumstances. Why do you think this forum is so against girls nights out involving meat markets and alcohol?

Getting wasted, sleeping over, with other women around was just a recipe for disaster.

Regardless of what you do in this situation you need to learn from this. It's called boundaries. I've been married for 22 years and we have rules involving drinking, the opposite sex and any and all other risky behavior.

Engage in risky behavior and you increase your odds of something bad happening therefore it's best you avoid those situations in the first place.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

This didn't just happen out of the blue because he was drunk. She is an old gf, someone he had slept with before. There was an entire secret mating dance between them that night that culminated in the event on the couch. In his head, he was really attracted to her and he was probably signaling all of this to her unbeknownst to you. People just don't wind up in one another's arms groping one another without some preliminaries. I would bet that he purposely stuck around after you went to bed just to continue the dance with her.

Ask him what he was doing and thinking that entire night & don't stand for the 'I was drunk; I don't remember' line. You need to find out as well as you can what is going on in his head before you decide what you will do, in my opinion.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

My wife is similar to your husband. She does not consume alcohol on a regular basis. But if we are out or at a party, once she gets started she will not stop until she sh*t- faced and making a spectacle of herself.

One other boundary that came from her little escapades with alcohol - when I say "you have had enough to drink" - that's it - no argument.

Sometimes it is embarrassing to have to tell her "enough" in front of friends or even total strangers. But that is how we survived.


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## Burned (Jul 13, 2013)

TDSC60 said:


> My wife is similar to your husband. She does not consume alcohol on a regular basis. But if we are out or at a party, once she gets started she will not stop until she sh*t- faced and making a spectacle of herself.
> 
> One other boundary that came from her little escapades with alcohol - when I say "you have had enough to drink" - that's it - no argument.
> 
> Sometimes it is embarrassing to have to tell her "enough" in front of friends or even total strangers. But that is how we survived.


Same agreement, but when she was that drunk it led to some pretty bad arguing. She didn't want to stop dancing on the table's or being the loudest person at the party. I won't miss those awkward moments when people at the party would be wondering who the hell brought this woman.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Op sorry for the situation are you sure OW's EA partner is not your H? A long shot but worth asking OW's H. 

In the end it is your decision. If you decide on r invest in a set of vars. you may also want to keylog his pc. His actions do not match his words. If you want to r be prepared to check up on him for a while. Would he have told you if he wasn't busted. Would he have slept with her. 

No free pass for booze. 

Good luck 
WD
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

corin said:


> Thank all of you for your replies. It's so hard for me to grasp that it wasn't the alcohol that caused this because it is so uncharacteristic for him. Or maybe it isn't and I'm fooling myself!
> 
> I do not agree with the idea it was not the alcohol. Ofcourse it was! His boundaries were loose and the alcohol made them disappear at all. That does not mean he is not responsible.
> 
> ...


This is a good time to work on your relationship. He will be motivated, you need affection and love, he needs to learn to give it. I assume he does still love you, you need to hear and believe that from him.

Marriage counseling is your road in my opinion. He needs to do the work, not you, at least at first. I guess later on you will find you also need to work on some things.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You could possibly get through this. With counselling, etc.

However, I cheated on my wife when I was very drunk. 
*
Why on earth do you think I got very drunk?*

It was a revenge affair, EA that nearly went PA, but I stopped within seconds of PIV sex.

But the principle is the same, I fear...


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

corin said:


> Thank all of you for your replies. It's so hard for me to grasp that it wasn't the alcohol that caused this because it is so uncharacteristic for him. Or maybe it isn't and I'm fooling myself! We have not really had any other major issues in the relationship for the most part, although we don't have a very affectionate or loving relationship. It is usually me begging him for more affection, and I know he would like sex more often than I do. This is probably a pretty common issue in marriages I would imagine.
> 
> As for the OW, she is married. Her husband found out about what happened by overhearing her on the phone with her sister. He sent me a message on facebook telling me he knows what happened and not only did she hook up with my husband but she was having an EA with someone she met online. He threw her out of the house and she is staying with her mother. I think maybe I should do the same.
> 
> My husband claims he has no interest in her and is not attracted to her at all. He had every chance to be with her way back and there is a reason he is not with her and with me instead. He said he was telling her "we shouldn't be doing this" while they were doing it.


I'll spare you the pointlessness of him stating that "we shouldn't be doing this" means that he should win some marriage of the year awards. A woman comes on to you and you say no and walk away. That wins a marriage award not. We shouldn't do this.. okay we really shouldn't be doing this...... we really really shouldn't be doing this....... means that he doesn't have the spine or will power to stand up for you and your marriage together.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, my husband cheated on me while very drunk one time. Then he did it again a few years later - also while very drunk. Then a few years later, but less drunk. Then a few years after that, only not really very drunk at all. He was cheating because he wanted to and could, not because he was drunk. Being drunk lowers inhibitions, but it doesn't _make_ a person cheat. 

Does your husband have lax boundaries around other women even when sober?


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Not defending the WH at all here, but one time when I was very drunk on tequila, I didn't remember at ALL most of the evening. The gal I was out with told me I was rolling around on the grass outside the bar, was going around pinching asses, things like that. Things I would NEVER do sober, or "beer drunk."

That said, he remembers saying "we shouldn't..." so he was in control enough to say "get the eff off me b!tch!"

That's what SHOULD've happened. 

I agree with what someone said above, was your H the OM's EA? Hmmmmm.... not too far a reach, frankly.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

Alcohol only lowers your inhibition. The seed was already inside him.

If you decide to stay, start MC asap.Tell OW's husband, he deserves to know.


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## corin (May 10, 2013)

So the OW'S H called my H last night! He wanted answers regarding what transpired. I heard the whole conversation, and my H told him not to focus so much on what happened that night (as it was just a foolish drunken mistake) but he should focus on his wifes EA's. Apparently she has had more than 1 EA. I'm sure my H was not one of the EA's based on their conversation. 

H seems very remorseful, but I'm not so sure if it's because he actually feels terrible for hurting me, or because he doesn't want to lose me and is afrad of the OW's H who is bigger and brawnier than he. He offered to go to MC to save our marriage. Personally, I think he needs IC to fix his own issues before I should spend my time in MC but I could be wrong about that.


He keeps claiming he doesn't remember anything but it seems like he does remember an awful lot. He thinks he went through with it because deep down he liked the attention she was giving him and it seemed to happen naturally since there was a history.

I do think he would have confessed whether he was caught or not, he is honest like that. However, and he wont' admit this, but I would say almost for certain he would have slept with her if someone did not walk in on them, because I know he has weak boundaries.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

I wouldn't say he was very honest. He is trickle truthing you. He seems to remember the entire thing, but when pressed about it says that he remembers nothing/ very little. 

The fact that he is gaslighting the situation and blame shifting says it all. Telling the OW's H to not focus on that night but to focus on the EA's! Really! he is drawing the attention away from a PA to make light of her EA's. He really needs some help, and he needs to give you a big dose of the truth. He wouldn't have started it so easy if he didn't intend to finish it. He knows whether he would have and is rugsweeping the issues to draw the attention away by stating that he doesn't know if he would or not.


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## corin (May 10, 2013)

Squeakr said:


> I wouldn't say he was very honest. He is trickle truthing you. He seems to remember the entire thing, but when pressed about it says that he remembers nothing/ very little.
> 
> The fact that he is gaslighting the situation and blame shifting says it all. Telling the OW's H to not focus on that night but to focus on the EA's! Really! he is drawing the attention away from a PA to make light of her EA's. He really needs some help, and he needs to give you a big dose of the truth. He wouldn't have started it so easy if he didn't intend to finish it. He knows whether he would have and is rugsweeping the issues to draw the intention away by stating that he doesn't know if he would or not.


yes, the entire story was trickle truthed to me from the very beginning. It started out with "i think something happened", to "i think we kissed", to "i think I touched her crotch" to "I think I invited her over to the couch". Like you said, it seemed to me he was trying to draw attention away from his actions when speaking to OW H and said that to him. He denied that was his attention.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

corin said:


> So the OW'S H called my H last night! He wanted answers regarding what transpired. I heard the whole conversation, and my H told him not to focus so much on what happened that night (as it was just a foolish drunken mistake) but he should focus on his wifes EA's. Apparently she has had more than 1 EA. I'm sure my H was not one of the EA's based on their conversation.
> 
> H seems very remorseful, but I'm not so sure if it's because he actually feels terrible for hurting me, or because he doesn't want to lose me and is afrad of the OW's H who is bigger and brawnier than he. He offered to go to MC to save our marriage. Personally, I think he needs IC to fix his own issues before I should spend my time in MC but I could be wrong about that.
> 
> ...


That. That right there is a huge, giant, waving red flag. 

You're married to someone with poor boundaries around other women. So, you need to let him know what _your_ boundaries are regarding what _you_ will and will not accept from your partner in a relationship. Then you need to follow through with consequences if he steps over your boundaries. If he's not going to protect you by maintaining strong boundaries around the opposite sex, then you've got to learn to protect yourself.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

corin said:


> So the OW'S H called my H last night! He wanted answers regarding what transpired. I heard the whole conversation, and my H told him not to focus so much on what happened that night (as it was just a foolish drunken mistake) but he should focus on his wifes EA's.


I'm sorry, your husband is not remorseful.
Remorse comes along with humility but he's totaly arrogant and comes up as entitled to the core.
How dare he to tell this poor man what he must/should focus on?
Tell him the f'in truth, make no excuses and apologize from his part!!! BH will focus on what he decides, it's not up to him!! If he wants to inform him about more transgressions of his WW he's aware of fine, but don't deflect atention from his participation. Good Lord.
It's not abut fear either (or course he can fear too), it's about entitlement, manipulation and control. And It's again another displayal of poor boundaires too.

I'd immediately call him on this.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

corin said:


> My husband had a one night stand with an ex girlfriend (well she was not really a girlfriend, more like a *friend with benefits*) at a party.



Is it possible the FWB may have never ended?

He got sloppy this time (because drunk?) and got caught when someone walked in on them.

Note that he could do this with you nearby.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

corin said:


> So the OW'S H called my H last night! He wanted answers regarding what transpired. I heard the whole conversation, and my H told him not to focus so much on what happened that night (as it was just a foolish drunken mistake) but he should focus on his wifes EA's. Apparently she has had more than 1 EA. I'm sure my H was not one of the EA's based on their conversation.
> 
> H seems very remorseful, but I'm not so sure if it's because he actually feels terrible for hurting me, or because he doesn't want to lose me and is afrad of the OW's H who is bigger and brawnier than he. He offered to go to MC to save our marriage. Personally, I think he needs IC to fix his own issues before I should spend my time in MC but I could be wrong about that.
> 
> ...


Your husband is deflecting. While indeed her husband shoud be concerned about the EAs ... he was banging this guys wife. SO I call BS on your hubby all the way around.

Indeed what Mavash said is correct. You guys did not have appropiate boundaries for the threat. You husband being drunk did not cause this. In fact if he was that drunk he would not have been able to have sex at all. 

BTW, this is just when you caught them.


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## corin (May 10, 2013)

I actually did call him out on what he said to OW's H. I thought it sounded terrible, like he was trying to take the focus off of himself. He didn't see it that way. 

He keeps going on about how shameful he feels that he is no different than his cheater dad, who shacked up in hotel rooms with other women during business trips. Does that mean there is more he is not telling me? 

I don't know what I was thinking, hanging around this woman to begin with (and her sister, who H also had a friends with benefits arrangement way back when). I always had a feeling it wasn't a good idea, and now that feeling has been confirmed. Especially going to bed while he was still up and talking to her. I trusted him more than I should have I guess.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If you value something, you guard it. Going to sleep while your husband was drinking with another woman was asking for trouble. Drunk or sober, guys are constantly bombarded by sexual temptation to a degree most women probably can't relate to. I don't fool around on my wife but I'm not a saint. I have to avoid situations that would get me in trouble because my natural inclination would be to try to nail as many women as humanly possible. Not proud of it, but that's just the way it is. I trust no man around my wife because I (correctly) assume most men are natural horn-dogs just as I am. If I had a priceless gem, I wouldn't leave it laying around in a bar full of thieves. Adultery doesn't start in the drawers. It starts between the ears. Your husband was wrong. He was a jerk and a heel, but most other guys on earth are capable of the same unless they constantly guard against it. Drinking to excess is a bad idea because people do stupid crap when they're drunk. Alcohol doesn't make a guy a horn-dog. God did that. Alcohol does impair their judgment. Not putting the blame on you, but any woman who believes their husband isn't sexually attracted to other women is fooling herself. We like sex like a tiger appreciates meat and in our natural, primal state (like alcohol induces), we aren't all that particular. Bust his testicles, put him a short leash, but mostly, if your guy and your marriage are something you value, protect both. If he has to drink to the point of stupidity, have him do so in the protection of his own home when other females aren't around. There should be zero reason for him to ever be whiling away the wee hours, drinking and chatting up some other woman. The devil hates a happy marriage and he's a very low character. Whenever you and some other guy are talking or some other woman and your husband are talking, the devil is never far away. He especially loves a good party with lots of alcohol.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

People can't spontaneously talk about things they don't remember. Your husband brought this matter to your attention and he did so in great detail. He remembers. Segments of your day that you can't remember are just blanks. An old interrogation trick is to get someone talking about a period of time. If they give you great details before the object in question and great details after but claim to "not remember" the crap in between, they are lying. In general, people remember significant events. A guy who has been faithfully married for 10 years is going to remember being sexually inappropriate with another woman, especially when it happened in a home where his wife (or the other husband) could have walked in and caught him at any moment. He's deflecting, minimizing, and trying to cover his butt. As far as "trust" goes, my wife probably believes she could trust me with a buck naked and willing Jennifer Anniston. I've never given her any reason not to trust me. If she could walk around with a male brain for one day, she wouldn't trust me alone with anything female.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> If you value something, you guard it. Going to sleep while your husband was drinking with another woman was asking for trouble. Drunk or sober, guys are constantly bombarded by sexual temptation to a degree most women probably can't relate to. I don't fool around on my wife but I'm not a saint. I have to avoid situations that would get me in trouble because my natural inclination would be to try to nail as many women as humanly possible. Not proud of it, but that's just the way it is. I trust no man around my wife because I (correctly) assume most men are natural horn-dogs just as I am. If I had a priceless gem, I wouldn't leave it laying around in a bar full of thieves. Adultery doesn't start in the drawers. It starts between the ears. Your husband was wrong. He was a jerk and a heel, but most other guys on earth are capable of the same unless they constantly guard against it. Drinking to excess is a bad idea because people do stupid crap when they're drunk. Alcohol doesn't make a guy a horn-dog. God did that. Alcohol does impair their judgment. Not putting the blame on you, but any woman who believes their husband isn't sexually attracted to other women is fooling herself. We like sex like a tiger appreciates meat and in our natural, primal state (like alcohol induces), we aren't all that particular. Bust his testicles, put him a short leash, but mostly, if your guy and your marriage are something you value, protect both. If he has to drink to the point of stupidity, have him do so in the protection of his own home when other females aren't around. There should be zero reason for him to ever be whiling away the wee hours, drinking and chatting up some other woman. The devil hates a happy marriage and he's a very low character. Whenever you and some other guy are talking or some other woman and your husband are talking, the devil is never far away. He especially loves a good party with lots of alcohol.


Amen.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

In Vino Veritas.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I am going to go against the grain on this one. Alcohol does lower inhibitions. You said he was wasted. Whether or not this inclination or temptation was inside him or not, I do not think really matters. If under normal, unimpaired circumstances he would not do this behavior, I would back off a little. 

I am not saying give him a break.

But I would insist that he stops drinking. That would be one consequence of his actions. 

By allowing himself to get out of control by drinking to excess is all too common. Men and women use this excuse all the time because in part, it is true. Drinking lowers inhibitions, which allow behaviros that one would not typically do, whether they wanted to do them or not. That is why I say it does not matter what the intent was prior to drinking. I may be at a party, see a girl I am interested in and what? I decide to get drunk to bed her? No. But if my boundaries have been comprimised and my built in morals are gone or hindered then what? The very posibility of what started in my mind could become a reality. 

Let's say you husband was at this party got wasted and got in his car and killed someone? Or he got wasted and got in a fight. Or got wasted and jumped off a bridge. Or went to the bank, took out all your money and gave the cash to beggars on the street. 

The problem you are facing is two fold. Alcohol and cheating. What came first? That is what you have to figure out.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

sounds like someone who is mad at themselves because they got caught not because he actually cheated. If I were a betting man I would say this isn't the first time for him. If I were you I'd just kinda play this off and start looking through his dirty laundry. like borrowing his cell phone because yours is dead. Accidentally sending an email to his email address. going through the phone bill and examining who he is calling. I am willing to bet your husband is a cheater. His blameshifting and manipulation of the situation seems too good. Also if this was a drunken ONS how does your H know about this OW EA. That's not something a person tells just any random person. That is something she would only tell someone she trusted not to go back to her husband.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

corin said:


> I actually did call him out on what he said to OW's H. I thought it sounded terrible, like he was trying to take the focus off of himself. He didn't see it that way.


Seems like it to me as well. "Yeah, your wife & I were screwing like minks, but forget about it and worry about the guys she's holding hands with..." 



corin said:


> He keeps going on about how shameful he feels that he is no different than his cheater dad, who shacked up in hotel rooms with other women during business trips. _Does that mean there is more he is not telling me_?


Generally, this is true. Very few, if any, betrayers will come fully clean. Only enough to verify what you alkready kow or they expect you are about to know.



corin said:


> I don't know what I was thinking, hanging around this woman to begin with (and her sister, who H also had a friends with benefits arrangement way back when). I always had a feeling it wasn't a good idea, and now that feeling has been confirmed. Especially going to bed while he was still up and talking to her. I trusted him more than I should have I guess.


He was clearly wanting her and they played it all out together.

So the big question is what do you want to do about it all? You are with a betrayer who has the addiction and cannot tell if he is being honest or not.

Whichever route you choose, I hope the best.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

corin said:


> My husband claims he has no interest in her and is not attracted to her at all. He had every chance to be with her way back and there is a reason he is not with her and with me instead.* He said he was telling her "we shouldn't be doing this" while they were doing it.*


Which is why as far as I'm concerned the alcohol was no excuse whatsoever. He knew what he was doing while he was doing it and that it was wrong. End of story.


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## corin (May 10, 2013)

badbane said:


> Also if this was a drunken ONS how does your H know about this OW EA. That's not something a person tells just any random person. That is something she would only tell someone she trusted not to go back to her husband.


She was very drunk herself and they have a past history together. I saw her speaking to him privately at one end of the bar and he said that is when she told him. She was telling him she was rethinking her marriage and choice of husband. She was garnering sympathy which my husband readily gave while in his drunken state 

You can bet i would never again, within my power, allow him to be alone with another woman, especially with alchohol involved. That sounds so controlling but apparently that is the reality I am dealing with!!


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## Busy Accountant (Mar 15, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> *If you value something, you guard it. Going to sleep while your husband was drinking with another woman was asking for trouble. * Drunk or sober, guys are constantly bombarded by sexual temptation to a degree most women probably can't relate to. I don't fool around on my wife but I'm not a saint. I have to avoid situations that would get me in trouble because my natural inclination would be to try to nail as many women as humanly possible. Not proud of it, but that's just the way it is. I trust no man around my wife because I (correctly) assume most men are natural horn-dogs just as I am. If I had a priceless gem, I wouldn't leave it laying around in a bar full of thieves. Adultery doesn't start in the drawers. It starts between the ears. Your husband was wrong. He was a jerk and a heel, but most other guys on earth are capable of the same unless they constantly guard against it. Drinking to excess is a bad idea because people do stupid crap when they're drunk. Alcohol doesn't make a guy a horn-dog. God did that. Alcohol does impair their judgment. Not putting the blame on you, but any woman who believes their husband isn't sexually attracted to other women is fooling herself. We like sex like a tiger appreciates meat and in our natural, primal state (like alcohol induces), we aren't all that particular. Bust his testicles, put him a short leash, but mostly, if your guy and your marriage are something you value, protect both. If he has to drink to the point of stupidity, have him do so in the protection of his own home when other females aren't around. There should be zero reason for him to ever be whiling away the wee hours, drinking and chatting up some other woman. The devil hates a happy marriage and he's a very low character. Whenever you and some other guy are talking or some other woman and your husband are talking, the devil is never far away. He especially loves a good party with lots of alcohol.


Sure sounds to me like you are blaming her for her H's actions. Wives are supposed to "babysit" their H's when they drink because they are incapable of controlling themselves? What about if H drinks and OP is not around? Is that her fault too? :scratchhead:


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

corin said:


> She was very drunk herself and they have a past history together. I* saw her speaking to him privately at one end of the bar and he said that is when she told him. She was telling him she was rethinking her marriage and choice of husband. She was garnering sympathy which my husband *readily gave while in his drunken state


That sounds like an EA to me, she should not be talking to your husband about her marital problems. Again, I think this whole situation is deeper than you know. Have you looked for evidence?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

corin said:


> She was very drunk herself and they have a past history together. I saw her speaking to him privately at one end of the bar and he said that is when she told him. She was telling him she was rethinking her marriage and choice of husband. She was garnering sympathy which my husband readily gave while in his drunken state
> 
> You can bet i would never again, within my power, allow him to be alone with another woman, especially with alchohol involved. That sounds so controlling but apparently that is the reality I am dealing with!!


Not controlling, but prudent and wise.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

corin said:


> I do think he would have confessed whether he was caught or not, he is honest like that.


I thought he did confess the following day?

Or, I guess what you meant is that because someone walked in on them, he knew you'd find out so he told you before you found out from someone else. If that's what you meant then sorry, no, he's not honest at all and you're only fooling yourself to think he's "honest like that". If he wasn't caught, he might have confessed on his own, but not until he was on his deathbed. There are some signs in what you've posted that indicate this was probably not the first time it happened, only the first time he got caught.



corin said:


> I don't know if I should divorce him and find someone more responsible and respectful of our marriage or work through it. Any advice?


I'd divorce and leave a cheater in a heartbeat but others will tell you it's worth trying to save the relationship- especially if you have kids- which you don't. That's your call, not something you can decide by putting the matter up to a vote.


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## GoBlue (Feb 21, 2013)

A few thoughts:

Would he REALLY have told you had he not been caught?

What really happened and how do you know it didn't go farther than he says?

That said, I do give him credit for his confession, although it was sketchy. I think he needs a big scare, a wake up call, if you want to give him another chance to redeem himself. Whatever that may be. For me, it would be 2 weeks for him away from you in a not very nice hotel.


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