# can my wife love me again?



## hab1078 (Nov 22, 2013)

My wife of 11 years approached me 3 months ago and said that she does not love me any more, that we need to communicate better and that if I don't change my ways, that she is going to leave me. Over the next 2 months I changed everything I that I could about myself, tried to talk to her more but she was resistant, did most of the work around the house, gave her compliments about things that I didn't do too often before and many other things. She then told me that I needed to move out for a while so that she can see if she could miss me while i was gone and that she doesn't feel anything for me anymore and that all the changes that I have made didn't change the way she feels about me like they should have. Come to find out that she has been feeling unhappy for the last 4 1/2 years and that has no more feelings for me. Less than a week into the seperation she tells me that she wants a divorce and that she has nothing left to give. We have been communicating over the last few weeks about the divorce and about the kids. We have both started counseling seperately and we are going to start counseling together to try to make things work. She tells me that part of her wants to make this work but part of her doesn't because she is hurt and scared that things won't change. She has also been put on depression meds and has a lot of personal issues that she needs to deal with about her past. I love her more than anything and I am willing to do anything to fix our marriage and I want to help her through all of this. I admit that our communication has not been good and that I am partly to blame for that and that I have not been the ideal husband that I should have been, but I have changed and view her in a totally different way than I did before and she is the center and most important person in my life along with our kids. I just want to know if she can eventually forgive me and love me again and that their is hope for our marriage


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Are you sure there is no one else in the picture? You need to back off and detach. Start working out and get fit.

Alot of people suggest reading No more mr nice guy, and Married man's sex life primer. I have read both of them and they have helped some. Some men have had better experience than I after reading them. Probably because they apply more of the principles than I did.

Another thing, don't be needy or clingy.


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## hab1078 (Nov 22, 2013)

no one else is in the picture. she told me that she is incapable of loving anyone because she can't love herself

i was a little clingy for a while in the beginning and she told me she needed some space and i backed off and gave her some space. for all the things that i was doing wrong, for me their hasn't been any intimacy, passion, or closeness for a while and that has frustrated me for a while and it was my fault that i didn't communicate that to her over the years. i told her everyday that i love her and always gave her everything that she wanted and i thought that that was enough for her to feel loved because for the last 4 years i though she was happy.


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

Have she tried to tell you how she feel before? If she didn't then she can't expect you to read her mind, but if she did then did you really pay attention, or simply thought that everything was still alright 'till that day?

Other members here in TAM might probably have better advice, but I would suggest that you also focus on improving yourself. Try to ask yourself this: do you yourself see yourself as an attractive man? Would you feel attracted to yourself if you are your wife? This means physical appearance plus inner traits. When we have a partner for too long, we might stop worrying about how attractive we are, and that can kill attraction. It's not that we have to look 25, but we can still be attractive in our age and that can be important too.

Also, don't fall into the nice guy trap. You can show that you care, but don't do just everything, you need to have pride in yourself and demand respect too. How would it be attractive if you don't have those? Don't just please her unconditionally, specially if that means lowering self respect.
And you need to be assertive, tell her how you feel too. Not in confrontational mode, but coz you want her to understand your feelings too so that you can solve the issues together.

Also, try to understand and get her to explain what bothered her and made her feel that way towards you through the years. That way you can know what the real issues are and tackle them.


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## Self Help (Oct 22, 2013)

How do you feel about yor marriage. In your post, it seems to be all about her and her feelings. I understand that you want to work it out with her but you really need to look at your own feelings too. Whats important to you? I do believe that "No more Mr. Nice Guy" could help you. A marriage / relationship is a two way street and it seems that yours is very one sided. Sorry you are in this place.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Marriage counselling. Suggest it and go.
Get "His Needs, Her Needs" (Book) and the 5 Love languages.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

hab1078 said:


> no one else is in the picture. she told me that she is incapable of loving anyone because she can't love herself y.


Even money there is someone else.

Poster Hawx...


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Do some detective work as much as I hate to say it. Her timeline seems pretty quick without something else of interest to her. When she says she cant love someone else because she doesnt love herself isnt an answer, its a deflection.

She may truly be unhappy and wants to change her life and get a divorce. Do not be like so many of us who just accept all the blame figuring that will solve the problems. She has accountability in the marriage too. Im not saying its her fault but this is an emotional time for both of you. Keep working on improving yourself, its all you can do. You know the weaknesses you had in the marriage and what you need to work on.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

honcho said:


> Do some detective work as much as I hate to say it. Her timeline seems pretty quick without something else of interest to her. When she says she cant love someone else because she doesnt love herself isnt an answer, its a deflection.
> 
> She may truly be unhappy and wants to change her life and get a divorce. Do not be like so many of us who just accept all the blame figuring that will solve the problems. She has accountability in the marriage too. Im not saying its her fault but this is an emotional time for both of you. Keep working on improving yourself, its all you can do. You know the weaknesses you had in the marriage and what you need to work on.


Even money either way. Sorry OP too many common patterns. JUst ask poster hawx who categorically said no way cheating Feb/March of this year. 9 months later... His wife was exceptional at hiding it. 

Sorry I call em as I see em and I see this as one giant RED flag.


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## Haru2013 (Oct 23, 2013)

> She tells me that part of her wants to make this work but part of her doesn't because she is hurt and scared that things won't change. She has also been put on depression meds and has a lot of personal issues that she needs to deal with about her past. I love her more than anything and I am willing to do anything to fix our marriage and I want to help her through all of this. I admit that our communication has not been good and that I am partly to blame for that and that I have not been the ideal husband that I should have been, but I have changed and view her in a totally different way than I did before and she is the center and most important person in my life along with our kids. I just want to know if she can eventually forgive me and love me again and that their is hope for our marriage


It seems to me more than your lenghty explanation to this issue. You and you wife sound like to have some long story to say, .... like you or your wife had 'outside love,' ... got to like someone else in the past and still a strong and lingering memory which might be affecting the marriage?

You have been trying so hard to stay marriage, but your wife sounds like already 'given up' to which you seems no real clue. First off, you might need to find out what's bothering her most. You know you're born the way you are and can not change your outward appearance, but you might change your attitude towards her. However, she still refuses to accept you effort, then you have no choice but to move on. You know, ... you can NOT change someone else's mind, but you can change your mind. Keep in mind, it's no use to cling on the marriage which your wife already given up. It's all up to you. I undestand and very sympathetic to your current situation, but you sound still young and first off, ... good man,.... try to find someone who accepts your goodness and more appreciativeness.


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## exhaustedmarriage (Nov 3, 2014)

Thound said:


> Are you sure there is no one else in the picture? You need to back off and detach. Start working out and get fit.
> 
> Alot of people suggest reading No more mr nice guy, and Married man's sex life primer. I have read both of them and they have helped some. Some men have had better experience than I after reading them. Probably because they apply more of the principles than I did.
> 
> Another thing, don't be needy or clingy.




Good post. It does not sound like he needs forgiveness. It sounds like she has made up her mind that she wants out. There is no changing that when it occurs. They will put their own needs far above all else.


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## lifelesson01 (Nov 3, 2014)

when you don't love yourself it is very difficult to love someone else. I have been there and I understand that part. If that is truly how she feels then there is most likely NOT someone else. He said she is in individual counseling and that they are going to start going together, that sounds like the best answer to me. I hope that works out for both of you...not loving yourself sucks!!


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

The things you did were nice, but I am sure she felt like you only did it because she told you too.

Sad to say, as men, or you can look at most mammals, the male is the one who tends to court the female s. Attraction is needed once in awhile for marriages.

I am sure she cares about you still, but if she was acting like a mother towards you, that shifts to a platonic love quickly. Your her mate not her offspring.

Start working out, listen but don't criticize, be more assertive, take more initiative, but don't be a whipping boy. 

Have an independent life from her, as well she should have one from you. People need to decompress.

You can't be affraid to let her go, whenever your in a relationship, have your boundaries and uphold them, but be confident and don't be afraid of letting go. Weakness will make a female run faster away.

Be confident that no matter what happens life will go on and you will go on. If you look at statistics alone, your not alone, and people do make it and move on.

Change your way of thinking and your world view.

Most people have an unrealistic view of marriage, and when people enter, they feel like it is going to last forever. People do change and people's wants and needs change over the years. 

Who knows, maybe in ten years you would want to be single. 

Just cherish the moments, and learn from life. 

If you do work it out, do some of things that you did while dating. Be playful, and flirty.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Lola Pratiwi said:


> Hi my name is Lola Pratiwi am from Australia with this tears joy and happiness in my heart i want to say thanks to this great man Prophet Lord of [email protected] for what him has done for me , This is my story i was 24 years old when i married my husband and we were both living together happily no fighting . but i was not comfortable with this married because after 4 years of our married i have not be able to give my husband a child doctors reveal we are capable of bearing children but we have no child to call our child so i was worry thinking of what to do so i can be able to give birth. inside all my thinking for a solution for my problems my husbands families came and they accuse me for been a barring women so i have to leave their son alone so i was been push out of my husband house so i went crying looking for a solution to my problems because i love my husband very much and don’t want to loose to another woman so all my mind think is him so i cry all nite to get back with him . one Friday evening when browsing i came across a testimony shared by miss Sharon July how this Prophet Lord helped her solved a similar problems so i decided to contact this man about my own problems and to my best surprise he also help me out and to day am happy not only because am with the man i loved but still because of i now have a child of my own .so for all this help from you Prophet Lord of [email protected] i want to say thank you once again so friends if you know you are into such or any kind of problem contact this man and i guess he will also help you out good bye


Well, this was certainly a helpful post...


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

hab1078 said:


> Come to find out that she has been feeling unhappy for the last 4 1/2 years and that has no more feelings for me. Less than a week into the seperation she tells me that she wants a divorce and that she has nothing left to give.
> 
> ...she is hurt and scared that things won't change.


No, they don't come back. The top of that post should make it pretty obvious she is done. There is no "maybe" in that statement.

The second part is why they don't come back. Almost ever. It's part of the reason I knew my wife was gone for good.

180 time. learn it. Live it. Love it. Just ignore the parts that say she may see the new you and come back. Doesn't happen. See the second part of your quote above for the reason I say this..

And ignore the immediate calls for "SHE'S CHEATING". It's the fallback position for most of these folks. And even if they're right, who cares? She's gone. Take care of YOURSELF. That's what the 180 is all about.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

DANG! Sucked in by a zombie thread again. I HATE that.


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