# Help anyone please.



## ImBroken (May 18, 2009)

I am in my 40's. We have been married 17 years. My wife told me 4 months ago she had an affair with a coworker 3 years ago.
She said it lasted 6 months and ended when they had sex for the 1st time at a Hotel. She says she felt rotton and it was the biggest mistake of her life. She did confess to me so I kind of believe her. She has appogized and knows how bad she has hurt me. I am trying to forgive her. My question is how long does it take to get the mental pictures out of my mind. It has been 4 months and sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind. Will they ever go away???? And my next question is what about the other man. I have alot of anger toward this man. When I think about it my adreniline goes through the roof. Does he need a beating? I go to church everyweek with my family. We have children too. I know what I am suppose to do, Forgive.
But I have so many emotions going I am confused.
I know they say once a cheater always a cheater but why would she confess if she would do it again? She even told both of our parents that she made a huge mistake and she is sorry.
I so want to believe her. I Love Her.
Input anyone, thanks.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

ImBroken said:


> I know they say once a cheater always a cheater but why would she confess if she would do it again? She even told both of our parents that she made a huge mistake and she is sorry.


That's quite a good sign. If she intended to do it again, she would not set herself up for ridicule. No guarantees - but everyone's allowed one chance surely?


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## johnamos (May 8, 2009)

You are asking for a one answer fix, unfornunately there is none.

1: You can forgive.
2: You will never forget.

The memories will say how long you let them affect you is each person dependent. There is some 1 day, 1 year, 5 years or never.

Yes, you can go and do a baseball bat on the fellow, but that will land you in jail and will not change what has occurred.

Confession usually is from guilt (MARK, IF SO FOR LOVE REPEATERS WOULD NOT EXIST AT PRESENT HIGH LEVEL), not for the need to do so. There is a 20% chance it can happen again. That is your exclusive bet if you stay. So adjust your thinking about her confession, its not from love and parents in the event you decide its over. Why the family needs prep work.

Has she told you everything to the most intimate details (in the hotel room) or is your mind running rampant with pictures. If there is hold backs by her (i do not want to speak about it0 that is an area of concern. Now is she ready to have you control her every move (why look she had freedom to check into hotel).

So all the balls in your court, you must decide.


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## They Call Me Smooth (May 5, 2009)

After my first wife cheated on me I found a $80.00 help me item that helped me get over a lot of stuff. I went to the local fitness store and picked up a heavy bag. Every time I would get that rush of emotions I would go beat on the bag for 15 minutes. Oddly enough it really does help getting all that out of you.

I believe you wife really does feel bad and I doubt she is planning to do it again. 3 years has passed, she could have kept her mouth shut and I doubt you would have ever found out. The fact that she choose to tell you speak volumes.


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

Affairs happen to as much as 50% of all marriages. The comment once a cheater always a cheater are cheap words and dont carry much regards to the real problems.

I suggest you read a book called His needs Her Needs how to affair proof your marriage. I think it was great on explaining how affairs accur and how to prevent them at the same time helping make your marriage better and stronger than ever.


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## johnamos (May 8, 2009)

People, the person is presently in the fog (way too long now), what is being experienced should be done now. Yes, the pain there but not all day somewhat faded by now. 

Sounds like clousure by wife and him never occurred at point of confession and shortly thereafter.

There is 2 operative sentences.

My question is how long does it take to get the mental pictures out of my mind.

And my next question is what about the other man.

He needs to know and based on posts like never happened.


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## NeverSure (May 21, 2009)

Happyquest said:


> Affairs happen to as much as 50% of all marriages. The comment once a cheater always a cheater are cheap words and dont carry much regards to the real problems.
> 
> I suggest you read a book called His needs Her Needs how to affair proof your marriage. I think it was great on explaining how affairs accur and how to prevent them at the same time helping make your marriage better and stronger than ever.


Hi all, I am new here. I have yet to introduce myself and tell my story but I admit that I am still trying to figure out what part of my story to tell because it is so darn long and complicated. In any case, this board has been my saving grace in the past few days. 

ImBroken, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you are going through this. I myself am going through it too and it is by far the most painful experience of my life. I honestly feel like my heart has been torn to shreds.

I don't mean to hijack this thread but I just wanted to ask Happyquest (or anyone for that matter) a question about the book mentioned above: Hie Needs Her Needs. I went to look it up and I was actually able to read the first chapter online. I liked it very much for the most part. The only thing I am having trouble with is 2 of the chapters are entitled, "The First Thing She Can't Do Without-Affection" and "The First Thing He Can't Do Without-Sexual Fulfillment". We have discovered, with the help of our therapist, that we are pretty much the reverse. She says it has a lot to do with out attachment styles. He is the one who needs affection, especially in the form of praise and hugs and saying I Love You. I am the one who always wants sex. Don't get me wrong. I also need and LOVE affection and he also needs sex. But for the most part, the roles are reversed here. So, this kind of book, and I imagine the countless other wonderful books out there, don't really hit the nail on the head for us. 

Does anyone know of a good book(s) that we could read, one that applies more to our situation??

Sorry for making this so long and thanks in advance to any advice/direction.

NeverSure


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## johnamos (May 8, 2009)

Books a great way to make money, not reality based.

Here is some excerpt'd from book.

When the author talks about Financial Support, he is not saying that the wife can't help bring home the bacon. Instead, he explains that for a woman financial security is often more important than it is to a man. One way you can help your wife feel secure is to monitor your finances and make sure that you have the funds for basic necessities. 

BASIC NECCESSAITIES, GEE THAT SOUNDS LIKE AN AFFAIR GAINER. A WIFE LIVING ON BARE MONEY, NOW SHE WANTS DIAMONDS, MONEY AND HUSBAND TO TAKE HER ON VACATION. WHY AN AFFAIR MAKER. HEY NEW FRIEND SWEET MAN PLENTY OF MONEY TO SHOW, NEW WIFE FALLING INTO AFFAIR.

THIS IS NOW DEBUNKED IN BOOK AND THE SEX PART IS POPPY****.

Another debunked.

Keep in mind, that when he says "attractive spouse" the author is not saying the wife needs to be a beauty queen. Instead, he is saying that it is important to a husband that his wife take pride in her appearance - get her hair done, wear makeup sometimes, perhaps dress up a little for a date night, etc. I guess if wife due to age or genetics has gone to the wayside the book its ok for an affair.

I WANT PARIS HILTON IN MY WIFE, SHE WANTS TOM CRUISE IN HUSBAND. SO ACCORDING TO BOOK MAKE IT HAPPEN. GEE NO MATTER HOW TIGHT I KEEP MY EYES SHUIT DURING SEX MY WIFE IS NOT PARIS, AND NO DOUBT TO HER I AM NOT TOM.


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## ImBroken (May 18, 2009)

So thats it huh, a punching bag???? I know I dont have it half as bad as some people but I still hurt like hell : (
How do people deal with this? I could really use some help with this from someone who has experienced it, Anyone?
So you think I have to just let it go and eat it? Will time heal my wounds? We are very happy right now except when pictures pop into my head of the 2 of them. It kills me.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

ImBroken said:


> So you think I have to just let it go and eat it? Will time heal my wounds? We are very happy right now except when pictures pop into my head of the 2 of them. It kills me.


Well... it could actually be the making of your marriage in time. Did you find out why she suddenly wanted to tell you?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I'm sorry you are going through this. having a cheating wife is pretty awful.

At this point, if i were you, I would want to verify the truth of what she told to you.

Did it happen three years ago, did they really only have sex once? Why is she telling you now? Is there a wife about to spill the beans to you? 

Is this damage control? Or is this a genuine attempt to repair things between the two of you? Was the OM about to to tell you something?

have either you or your wife gotten checked for STDs yet?

I have questions.

BTW, to answer your questions. My wife admitted to a very limited "one-time" affair years ago when in actuality she was continuing to cheat -- for years!

We were going to marriage counselling, the whole nine yards and she lied to the MC, me, her family, to God.

Now all these years later she finally fessed up to the truth under pressure from me.

That one-time thing? It was really 7 years. It took her 7 years beyond the end of it to finally tell me the truth.

The mental images you want to forget? They don't go away.


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## johnamos (May 8, 2009)

Yes, the images do not go away.

We need more detail on this issue, too many gaps to perform an opinion and advice.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

The images...I have them, too!

Is she doing to/for him what she did to/for me? Just what are they doing in bed now? Or at any time? Honestly, I don't think so...but I'll never know. 

It can be a killer set of thoughts! For fleeting moments, I wonder... but it won't change anything, so the thoughts only last for a few seconds. 

I will never know. Nor the reason why. All I can do is move on. I know, it's a trite statement...but it's the truth. 

Get rid of her. Find another friend. I mean friend! Do NOT start a new relationship at this point...it WILL fail, maybe harder for you. Just have a friend (or old friends) that you can talk to. That's what's keeping me together.


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

NeverSure said:


> I don't mean to hijack this thread but I just wanted to ask Happyquest (or anyone for that matter) a question about the book mentioned above: Hie Needs Her Needs. I went to look it up and I was actually able to read the first chapter online. I liked it very much for the most part. The only thing I am having trouble with is 2 of the chapters are entitled, "The First Thing She Can't Do Without-Affection" and "The First Thing He Can't Do Without-Sexual Fulfillment". We have discovered, with the help of our therapist, that we are pretty much the reverse. She says it has a lot to do with out attachment styles. He is the one who needs affection, especially in the form of praise and hugs and saying I Love You. I am the one who always wants sex. Don't get me wrong. I also need and LOVE affection and he also needs sex. But for the most part, the roles are reversed here. So, this kind of book, and I imagine the countless other wonderful books out there, don't really hit the nail on the head for us.
> 
> Does anyone know of a good book(s) that we could read, one that applies more to our situation??
> 
> :


In the book you are told to rate your needs. No one has all the same needs thats the point everyone is different. Read the book it will fit your both needs. Another great books to read are called For woman only and the other For men only. Both talk about the difference on man and womans way of thinking and is backed by real serveys. 

Good luck to you


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Those damn pictures won't disappear, but will be less frequent. You can think about the worst case scenario and be thankful that didn't happen. And - just for your healing - place those pictures in a time before you knew her. Would they be as bad if it wasn't betrayal? Probably not. (Trust me, I'm saying this from my own very similar experience.) Finally, allow yourself to feel humbled. I NEVER thought this would happen to me, but here I am. There are many of us. We're all finding ways to cope. And, in the end of the day, she is there with you. Allow yourself to feel the love. Every day matters.


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## ImBroken (May 18, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> Well... it could actually be the making of your marriage in time. Did you find out why she suddenly wanted to tell you?


She told me God would not forgive her if she didnt tell me.


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## ImBroken (May 18, 2009)

michzz said:


> I'm sorry you are going through this. having a cheating wife is pretty awful.
> 
> At this point, if i were you, I would want to verify the truth of what she told to you.
> 
> ...


Thankyou and I'm sorry about what she did to you.
How do you verify the truth?
She told me because she wants forgivness from God.
I think she really wants to fix the worst mistake of her life.
The first thing I made her do was get checked for stds. There are none. The om is out of the picture. She quit the job because of the guilt.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

ImBroken-

The first thing you have to do, is make sure you don't rub the guilt thing in her face. A relationship that survives an affair can sometimes end up stronger than one that has not been stress-tested in that way.

Do you think you did anything to contribute to her wandering?


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## ImBroken (May 18, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> ImBroken-
> 
> The first thing you have to do, is make sure you don't rub the guilt thing in her face. A relationship that survives an affair can sometimes end up stronger than one that has not been stress-tested in that way.
> 
> Do you think you did anything to contribute to her wandering?


There was alot of stress on our marriage due to a bad carcrash I was in. We did not stop having sex though. I am better now.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Was she badly shaken at the time of your crash?


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## johnamos (May 8, 2009)

There is no legitimate reason for an AFFAIR, NONE WHATSOEVER.

Please car crash, what happens 5 yrs from now and house burns to the ground and you are not covered.

Is that reason for a multiple man affair.

There is none, and this thread from unknown to now reason.


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## johnamos (May 8, 2009)

Well... it could actually be the making of your marriage in time. Did you find out why she suddenly wanted to tell you

Mark,

You saying picture of man having sex with his wife will make marriage strong????????.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

johnamos said:


> Mark,
> 
> You saying picture of man having sex with his wife will make marriage strong????????.


No! I'm saying that once he's got over it, and a few more months or years have passed, the marriage might actually be stronger. Look how much honesty she has had to muster in order to confess. Honesty is essential to a good marriage. It's easy to be honest at the beginning, but after the first few years, most marriages collect little secrets here and there on both sides. an affair can be a kind of purgative - a clean sweep if you will.

How long have you been married?


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## ImBroken (May 18, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> Was she badly shaken at the time of your crash?


No


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## blindsided (Nov 29, 2008)

ImBroken:

Nobody can give you an exact time frame for your healing process....it's a very individual thing. But I need to tell you that I believe it is possible to eventually get past the "images", as I have done, and come through with a stronger marriage on the other side. 

I've posted this once before, but I think it bears repeating since you are asking. What I did was this: Every time that awful image surfaced in my mind, I brought up a replacement image: My husband standing there with tears in his eyes, speaking not a word, while I yelled and screamed all the anguish and hurt out. He did not defend himself.....there IS no defense for those actions, and he knew it. When I finished, he quiety wiped his tears, told me he would do whatever I wanted, that he would leave if I insisted....but that he would spend every moment trying to get back to me and make up for his terrible actions. 

That was seven months ago. I cried for a week solid. I thought about it ALL THE TIME at first. I saw her name everywhere. The image drove me nuts (until I started doing the above). During those first days and weeks I asked my husband everything I wanted to know, and he told me. Some of the answers hurt a lot.....but I'm convinced that it is crucial to "get it all on the table" and deal with it, if you want any chance to move on and put it behind you.

Today my husband I have a better marriage than we had a year ago....without a doubt. We always had a good marriage, that was the ironic part...no fighting, yelling, etc. But we simply had gotten so busy with our individual demands (children, jobs, bills, etc), that we neglected our relationship with one another. After 27 years, we let life get in the way. 

Please don't believe that dumb statement "once a cheater, always a cheater". I don't think it's true. I trust my husband again, and know he will never put us through this pain again (yes, US, because he was miserable for the duration of this brief affair). 

There are many positives in your case. Your wife confessed, long after she had to. She wants to make amends. She obviously loves you and wants to stay with you. I'm no expert, but I have had some success, and I belive the chronology goes something like this:

1. Decide if you want to stay in the relationship. 
2. Ask any and all questions you want to (but be prepared for the answers). 
3. Your wife must make herself transparent....no secrets. 
4. Contact with the other man should stop (sounds like it has).
5. Find another image to replace the bad one. 
6. TALK TO EACH OTHER.

Somewhere along the way, forgiveness will come. We won't forget.....but I don't think about it as much these days, and in fact haven't been on this website in many weeks (although I feel it really saved me in the beginning). 

It is possible. Best of luck to you.


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## ImBroken (May 18, 2009)

Thank you everyone for your comments. It is a hard uphill battle but we both want our marriage to be healthy. The punching bag works great for getting rid of aggression. Also making thoughts of the om become one of her old boyfriends before me has helped to ease my pain. She is doing everything she is suppose to. 100 % clearity. She would not have confessed to me if she did not want to make it right. I think our marriage can be saved. We are doing better now.
Everyone who is going through this should listen really closely to what people are saying. They know, they probably have been where you are right now........


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

ImBroken-

I'm really glad you're doing it the "easy way"  Just remember to be 100% committed to being a fantastic husband, and you can't go wrong. When you get two people working towards the same goal, it's more or less guaranteed.


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