# Looking after children = no sex!



## Husband at home (Jun 26, 2013)

Hello to everyone.

I am new to this forum, so greeting to you all!

I thought I would like to throw my circumstances out there and see what other folk think.
I have been married for 13 years now. My wife and I have a daughter who is 8 years old, but was born with severe disabilities. She requires 24 hour care and has all sorts of related problems.
Looking after her is very demanding and time consuming, and also exhausting both physically and emotionally.

As a result my wife and I live two separate lives: she is looking afer the little one whilst I work.

Over the last 8 years our sex life has dwindled to virtually nil. I think my wife is naturally low drive anyway, but is constantly tired (our daughter has CCTV in her bedroom so my wife can see if she wakes in the night or needs anything) which is her reason for not wanting sex. I can understand this to a point but I get very frustrated so I try to shut off my needs.

I can't see there will ever be a time when this will improve.

Being a primary carer is a major libido crusher!


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Does she have any time of her own? How about when you get home? Do you give her a break so that your wife can take care of herself (go to the gym, get her nails done, read a book, etc.)? What about an aid to come in a couple of times a day to give her a break?


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## carltoncl (Jun 24, 2013)

Husband at home said:


> Hello to everyone.
> 
> I am new to this forum, so greeting to you all!
> 
> ...


I empathize deeply with you. I also understand your wife's utter dedication to her daughter, it's very touching.

You don't say what kind of medical problems your daughter has. The reason I ask is because, depending on the gravity of her situation, might there be someone else who could take care of your daughter while you give your wife a day off?

I understand your need to connect sexually with your wife, it can be a huge stress relief for you. My guess is, even if your wife really wanted sex, she would likely feel guilty doing so, at least initially.

I'd try to find a way to ease her into something of a routine where she can count on a spot of relief, say, once per week. Let her go shopping, walk in the park, meet up with friends, whatever it is.

Once you get a routine then you can perhaps suggest that the TWO of you take some time off together.

I'd approach it slowly and gingerly. This is going to require you to give your wife something of a life back and it doesn't begin with sex. I sure hope this is something you can do.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Your profile says you live in the UK. Doesn't the NHS provide some time of in-home help? No one can be expected to be a caregiver 24 hours a day, every day. You can't let your lives and your marriage be destroyed by this and I don't think your daughter would want you to.


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## Husband at home (Jun 26, 2013)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Does she have any time of her own? How about when you get home? Do you give her a break so that your wife can take care of herself (go to the gym, get her nails done, read a book, etc.)? What about an aid to come in a couple of times a day to give her a break?


To TAG:
I work from home so can help out then.
We do get some home help (a few hours a week) but when this happens she is busy trying to catch up with housework etc.

I do school run with our youngest when working from home. 

I do as much as I can.


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## Husband at home (Jun 26, 2013)

Theseus said:


> Your profile says you live in the UK. Doesn't the NHS provide some time of in-home help? No one can be expected to be a caregiver 24 hours a day, every day. You can't let your lives and your marriage be destroyed by this and I don't think your daughter would want you to.


I think the marriage may have already gone down the tubes to be honest. We exist in a roomate relationship. We get on okay and do split the parenting, but she has nothing left in the tank for the marriage. I can sort of understand but I would like to have more intimacy. Or any intimacy, come to think of it!

We get a night nurse three times a week to look after eldest daughter so at least my wife can sleep through. Other nights she will be up 2 - 4 times during the night.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Husband at home said:


> To TAG:
> I work from home so can help out then.
> We do get some home help (a few hours a week) but when this happens she is busy trying to catch up with housework etc.
> 
> ...


I am not blaming you, only trying to work out some solutions. I expect that she is overwhelmed, and may well feel guilty about doing anything enjoyable.

Does your wife get out to do anything for herself? When does she get down time and what does she do with it?


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## Husband at home (Jun 26, 2013)

carltoncl said:


> I empathize deeply with you. I also understand your wife's utter dedication to her daughter, it's very touching.
> 
> You don't say what kind of medical problems your daughter has. The reason I ask is because, depending on the gravity of her situation, might there be someone else who could take care of your daughter while you give your wife a day off?
> 
> ...


Her medical problems come from the fact that she was born with severe brain damage. Also she is blind, partially deaf and suffers epilepsy. The result of this is that her care is very complex. Very few people besides us know the routine.

In terms of being a mother then she is faultless, absolute dedication. It comes at the cost of being a wife in some respects, but the children must come first.

In some ways I feel selfish for bringing the subject up.


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## Husband at home (Jun 26, 2013)

Tall Average Guy said:


> I am not blaming you, only trying to work out some solutions. I expect that she is overwhelmed, and may well feel guilty about doing anything enjoyable.
> 
> Does your wife get out to do anything for herself? When does she get down time and what does she do with it?


No offence taken!

I think in some respects you are right. When she isn't looking after our daughter she feels like she should be.

I have told her that as a carer she needs to look after herself. She does get out sometimes, and has evenings out when I am at home.

By the way, I must thank all of you who have replied thus far. This is a subject that I tend not to speak to anyone about, so it is good to 'talk' about this stuff.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Husband at home said:


> No offence taken!
> 
> I think in some respects you are right. When she isn't looking after our daughter she feels like she should be.


I suggest find her a support group or therapist to address this. She needs stop feeling guilty over doing something for herself.



> I have told her that as a carer she needs to look after herself. She does get out sometimes, and has evenings out when I am at home.


Try setting up a date with her, where you agree that no discussion of your daughter. Talk about current events, sports, celebrities, whatever she used to like. Prepare for this and have a list of topics. Make clear this is about you two being a couple, even if for just a couple of hours. I suspect you need to work on getting her to stop being the caretaker all the time.



> By the way, I must thank all of you who have replied thus far. This is a subject that I tend not to speak to anyone about, so it is good to 'talk' about this stuff.


I hope it is helpful.


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## carltoncl (Jun 24, 2013)

Husband at home said:


> Her medical problems come from the fact that she was born with severe brain damage. Also she is blind, partially deaf and suffers epilepsy. The result of this is that her care is very complex. Very few people besides us know the routine.
> 
> In terms of being a mother then she is faultless, absolute dedication. It comes at the cost of being a wife in some respects, but the children must come first.
> 
> In some ways I feel selfish for bringing the subject up.


I don't think there's a simple solution here at all. With your daughter's complicated needs and the paucity of folks who can help you attend to them then there's only so much you can hope for in terms of regaining intimacy.

I think you've been dealt a really, really, really crappy set of cards at absolutely no one's fault. Finding a way out of this maze will take what you can spare of your resources and a lot of perseverance.

The way I see it is this will make you a better person but it may not make you a happier one.


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

Women find it extremely difficult to put themselves first. I'm only learning this now. We internalize it as being selfish, we run ourselves ragged and have nothing left to give. You may need to step up here and start giving more so she can give less. Then when her cup is filled woth self love she can give more to her family and especially you.

I'm a SAHM and for me I need to leave the house in order to feel energized. Being at home in a seperate room from my kids just doesn't cut it. I need to get away on a regular basis to go shopping, go out with friends, go to the spa, enjoy a coffee in peace etc.

What can you do to make her feel cared for? Oh and the kids should not come first. SHE needs to come first. It is especially important for a carer to put their needs first so they have more to give....


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## Husband at home (Jun 26, 2013)

carltoncl said:


> I don't think there's a simple solution here at all. With your daughter's complicated needs and the paucity of folks who can help you attend to them then there's only so much you can hope for in terms of regaining intimacy.
> 
> I think you've been dealt a really, really, really crappy set of cards at absolutely no one's fault. Finding a way out of this maze will take what you can spare of your resources and a lot of perseverance.
> 
> The way I see it is this will make you a better person but it may not make you a happier one.


It's interesting you should say that. Obviously I have thought ad thought about what we could do to make things better but I'm fresh out of ideas.

It's not her fault she was born with these problems, so as parents we have to care for her as best we can.


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## Husband at home (Jun 26, 2013)

FemBot said:


> Women find it extremely difficult to put themselves first. I'm only learning this now. We internalize it as being selfish, we run ourselves ragged and have nothing left to give. You may need to step up here and start giving more so she can give less. Then when her cup is filled woth self love she can give more to her family and especially you.
> 
> I'm a SAHM and for me I need to leave the house in order to feel energized. Being at home in a seperate room from my kids just doesn't cut it. I need to get away on a regular basis to go shopping, go out with friends, go to the spa, enjoy a coffee in peace etc.
> 
> What can you do to make her feel cared for? Oh and the kids should not come first. SHE needs to come first. It is especially important for a carer to put their needs first so they have more to give....


I agree with your first paragraph. Absolutely the children come first. Even more so with a special needs child.

Believe me, I do my fair share, but I have to hold down a full time job as well. So I can allow her a weekend day to do as she wishes, and I can and do help when working from home. She does go out in the evening during the week sometimes.

Part of the problem is that there is always something around the corner to rock the boat. For example, at the moment for reasons we don't know her epilepsy is really bad. Nobody knows why so we have to start to alter the medication and see what can be done to make that better. Next month it might be a chest infection. It goes on and on like that. Constant stress and constant worry.

No wonder she's not up for sex really I suppose.


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## theblob (Jun 27, 2013)

We have similar problems. We have 2 children, both of whom are disabled, and our marriage has also suffered.

I expect you have done most of this, but here are my suggestions:

Ask for help! I found it difficult to admit we couldn't cope - but this is the most important first step to changing things for the better. Get all the benefits and support you are entitled to. Where possible, make sure family take some share of the work. Ask friends, church, work to help as appropriate. For example, my wife gets a couple of the old ladies at church to do our ironing. It is a little embarrassing to be the receipt of charity but remember it's not just for you but for your wife and daughter.

In the UK, you are entitled to Disability Living Allowance (DLA) which your daughter should get at the highest rate. Your wife is entitled to a Carers Allowance. It's an extraordinary amount of paperwork to apply for DLA but worth the effort to ease the financial burden.

We get 2 nights a month respite care, where our son is looked after for 2 days and nights. The centre is run by Scope and deal with some severely disabled children. To get this we had to tell the social worker that we couldn't cope, our marriage was at risk, etc. It was all true but you need to put the case forcefully (my wife is good at this).

As the parent of a disabled child, in the UK you have a legal right to take parental leave. This is additional unpaid annual leave. I took an extra 2 weeks last year and this enabled us to have our first family holiday abroad for many years.

Get enough sleep - sleep deprivation is awful. It makes everything seems ten times worse and prevents you from thinking and planning.

When you have some respite care, get out of the house. Stay at a posh hotel and eat, drink and be merry! You can use lastminute.com or similar to get cheap stays. Also spend some time together out of the house even if it's just half an hour at a coffee shop.

We have started relationship counselling. It is useful to help you both focus on looking after each other. This can also include sexual counselling to help you improve your sexual relationship.

Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## theblob (Jun 27, 2013)

We have similar problems. We have 2 children, both of whom are disabled, and our marriage has also suffered.

I expect you have done most of this, but here are my suggestions:

Ask for help! I found it difficult to admit we couldn't cope - but this is the most important first step to changing things for the better. Get all the benefits and support you are entitled to. Where possible, make sure family take some share of the work. Ask friends, church, work to help as appropriate. For example, my wife gets a couple of the old ladies at church to do our ironing. It is a little embarrassing to be the receipt of charity but remember it's not just for you but for your wife and daughter.

In the UK, you are entitled to Disability Living Allowance (DLA) which your daughter should get at the highest rate. Your wife is entitled to a Carers Allowance. It's an extraordinary amount of paperwork to apply for DLA but worth the effort to ease the financial burden.

We get 2 nights a month respite care, where our son is looked after for 2 days and nights. The centre is run by Scope and deal with some severely disabled children. To get this we had to tell the social worker that we couldn't cope, our marriage was at risk, etc. It was all true but you need to put the case forcefully (my wife is good at this).

As the parent of a disabled child, in the UK you have a legal right to take parental leave. This is additional unpaid annual leave. I took an extra 2 weeks last year and this enabled us to have our first family holiday abroad for many years.

Get enough sleep - sleep deprivation is awful. It makes everything seems ten times worse and prevents you from thinking and planning.

When you have some respite care, get out of the house. Stay at a posh hotel and eat, drink and be merry! You can use lastminute.com or similar to get cheap stays. Also spend some time together out of the house even if it's just half an hour at a coffee shop.

We have started relationship counselling. It is useful to help you both focus on looking after each other. This can also include sexual counselling to help you improve your sexual relationship.

Things CAN get better.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Husband at home said:


> Believe me, I do my fair share, but I have to hold down a full time job as well. So I can allow her a weekend day to do as she wishes, and I can and do help when working from home. She does go out in the evening during the week sometimes.


Do you two go out together as a couple? Do you two still date?


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## Cwtchbunny (May 20, 2013)

Do you get any respite care

Could family help out


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## Husband at home (Jun 26, 2013)

Cwtchbunny said:


> Do you get any respite care
> 
> Could family help out


We do get some respite care. Daughter is booked into a hospice for two separate weeks later in the year.
Twice last year wilst in the hospice she became ill and needed to be ambulanced into hospital which ruins the break.

Family don't feel confident enough to be able to look after her. I would rather they were honest and said so.


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## Husband at home (Jun 26, 2013)

theblob said:


> We have similar problems. We have 2 children, both of whom are disabled, and our marriage has also suffered.
> 
> I expect you have done most of this, but here are my suggestions:
> 
> ...


I can tell straight away you know exactly where I'm coming from!!

You're right: we need to get out of the house more and try to reconnect. I have only been to the pub twice this year. Must try harder!!


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Husband at home said:


> I can tell straight away you know exactly where I'm coming from!!
> 
> You're right: we need to get out of the house more and try to reconnect. I have only been to the pub twice this year. Must try harder!!


You two need to get out of the house together. I see you get some alone time and so does she. But you have been silent on any couple time. Right now, you two are not acting like a couple. It is certainly understandable, what with all the issues that you are dealing with. But you need to set aside time for the two of you to keep your connection. Date your wife.


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## Husband at home (Jun 26, 2013)

Tall Average Guy said:


> You two need to get out of the house together. I see you get some alone time and so does she. But you have been silent on any couple time. Right now, you two are not acting like a couple. It is certainly understandable, what with all the issues that you are dealing with. But you need to set aside time for the two of you to keep your connection. Date your wife.


I think you are right TAG.

Over the years we have assumed two quite different roles: her being primary carer, and me being the earner/bill payer. So we make a good team, but not much of a couple (if that makes sense).

In the evenings my wife is exhausted. Although she does occasionally go out in the week she doesn't look forward to it (although once out I think she does). She would rather chill in front of the TV which I can understand.

I guess if you have to keep that up for nearly nine years then it's going to wear you down.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The stress on marriage when there are special needs children involved is tremendous. Understandably. Most of the energy in the marriage goes to the child/children -- leaving little for the spouse or for the marriage.

You have received some excellent suggestions. I hope things get better for you.


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## theblob (Jun 27, 2013)

Hi,
*
A few further thoughts...
*
It sounds as though you are both doing a good job of looking after you daughter and keeping the family together. Tell your wife what a good mother she is and how she looks after your daughter so well (Of course she knows this but does anyone ever tell her?).
*
When you say your wife is reluctant to let other people look after your daughter, I can sympathise with her, but she needs to be able to hand over the responsibility and relax from time to time. It is difficult for some people to do this - I still remember the apprehension when I first left my daughter at the childminders over 20 years ago. But even if superman and mother teresa had children they would need a break now and then. 
*
I have a huge to-do list with dozens of things on it. Most have been on the list for years and only the top few ever get done, and these are nearly always for the children. We are now putting some of our needs at the top as we deserve it and so do you two.
*
Your wife must have things she would like to reward her hard work, and I am sure you do too. See what she wants and reward yourselves for a change.
*
When I go round the supermarket i can't help notice* the ordinary children and wonder whether their parents realise what perfect little miracles they are, and think they may never have even noticed all the little milestones that my boy may never manage to achieve.
*
It is tempting to become depressed or bitter, but I like to think I can rise above it and take pleasure in our unusual family. Knowing that we have each other, and have survived, and in our own way, triumphed over adversity. We must have been through things that many couples wouldn't even imagine.

*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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