# In law saddness



## friscothecat2013 (Dec 21, 2013)

Thank you in advance for reading this…I have a complicated in law relationship. I believe my mother in law has for years treated me weird. She has a pattern of contradicting me alone and in group situations. She generally never asks how I am and shows a general disinterest in me. I thought this is how she deals with many people so it has not bothered me too much over the 15 years that I have been with my husband. In the most recent years a lot of drama has unfolded with her other son, my brother in law, and it has highlighted the favoritism that exists in his direction. In addition, both bil and us have had kids at the same time. Mother in law favors the other kids to a great extent. It is awful since my kids love her so much. About a month ago she had been watching our kids and had committed to watch all three of them while I had to go to class. Well she changed her commitment to us, again, to accommodate the other kids, who were sick and should have stayed at their own home. I had a midterm and a presentation that day, I was nervous and stressed out and desperately in need of my children being cared for while I went to school. –trying to give the readers digest version-so I told her how much it hurt me that she was willing to set us aside for the other kids when I really needed the help. Whether she agreed with how we were hurt the fact that we, my husband and I , were hurt should concern her. During that discussion she even said, out of nowhere, that if I withhold the grand kids from here she will walk away and move on with her life. Just Mean. Instead, after that conversation, she tells my husband that our children are no longer welcome to spend the night at their house, all the other grands are still welcome, and then their grandfather (fil) does not come to our 2 year old’s birthday celebration and mother in law spends less than 10.00 on our 2 yr old…not kidding she spends $180.00 per month on BIL’s daughter per month for dance lessons…I am at a loss of where to go from here. We all used to have cordial relationship but when push came to shove I think true colors were revealed. I can't sleep and my husband pretends there is nothing wrong. Assuming we continue to have relationship…any insights would be great and thank you in advance.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Unless your H steps up and takes control of this situation, nothing will change.

HE needs to be the one to address his parents (alone, I would suggest) and ask:

why the disparity in the treatment of grandchildren
why their relationship with you has soured
what can you and he do to help mend the relationship with his parents

If they're unwilling/unable to articulate what the problem is and how things might be improved, then this will be your life. 

You have to decide whether the disparity in treatment of your children is so egregious that they will notice and resent it! If so, then unwillingness to change on the part of your in-laws should mean ending the relationship with them since your child(ren) will notice the "2nd-best" treatment.


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## friscothecat2013 (Dec 21, 2013)

Thank you for the reply, I agree, if I pursue this further it will just make me look worse, make the situation worse and drive a wedge between H and I. I wrote my mil a long letter from my heart about this but I imagine if I sent it, it will probably be used against me.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

friscothecat2013 said:


> Thank you for the reply, I agree, if I pursue this further it will just make me look worse, make the situation worse and drive a wedge between H and I.


How can the situation get worse? She already says your children aren't allowed in her home, and her husband can't come to your 2 year old birthday. She is nuts. 

The way I see it, she is doing you a favor. She is so toxic that if she removes herself from your kids lives, then you are better off in the long run.


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## friscothecat2013 (Dec 21, 2013)

Theseus, 

I hear you, when I have those thoughts I feel guilty and spiteful. I don't want to believe that the woman who made my awesome husband is a crazy bag of arrogant wacko... and a manipulator that I have been falling for, hook line and sinker for years...that I am ashamed of. If I had seen that for what it was 10 years ago maybe things would be different. I vow to never let her know that I have any reaction to her going forward.

Thank you for your input, it is reassuring to know that I am not having unreasonable thoughts about excusing those people from our lives.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

However, I should add that as SGW said, your husband should address this problem, not you. Don't let up on that. Meanwhile, I recommend you cut your personal contact with her to a minimum. If your husband continues to refuse to address the problem, either go to couple's therapy to find a solution to that, or cut all contact *with him* as well. 

You say he's a wonderful husband, but this is not a small issue you can just ignore and pretend all else is OK. He can't pretend nothing is wrong, unless he thinks his mother doesn't really mean anything she's saying.


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## friscothecat2013 (Dec 21, 2013)

Theseus, 

I sooooo hear you. Thank you for supporting the voice inside me. My husband's parents are divorced and he has virtually no relationship with his father. His step father has been more of a parent to him up until recently. Now his stepfather has snubbed him and me and his mother is apparently ok with it. How awful for him. I love people (mil) with no spine, I think I would stand up for my son rather than allow my husband to treat him like he is peripheral to the family. His relationship with his mother is fragile and the only blood parent that he has any meaningful relationship with. But it has never been close and I think he is holding on to a dream that either never existed or no longer exists with that relationship. I know he is afraid to lose what little downgraded relationship he has with her at this point. Its really sad for him. I feel like when we talk about these issues it just reminds him that he has crappy family.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

I love my mother, but she's... I'll say it: selfish. Always was. Example: after her and my father divorced around Christmas time 1980, she took her settlement money and bought a really expensive stereo. For Christmas, my brother and I each received a thing of plasticine. "Sorry boys. We just can't afford anything else after your father left."

...

This summer, she re-married. She chose right around the time of my daughter's birthday as the date, and so we held off on the kid's birthday so as not to interrupt things. My mother's decided to hold her own birthday party mid-week, a few days after her wedding.

We attended, gave her a gift, and reminded her of daughter's party the coming weekend. The day arrived, and 5 minutes before the party, she called and said she couldn't make it: been so busy lately with wedding and her own birthday party she just wasn't up to it. No "happy birthday!", no present. Nothing.

We sent her and my new step-dad a Christmas card this year. I figured that, gift-wise, she'd be good with what our daughter got for her birthday.

Zilch.


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## friscothecat2013 (Dec 21, 2013)

Wow sh987, I am sorry to hear that. I will never understand what motivates such actions. Its sad.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

sh987 said:


> We sent her and my new step-dad a Christmas card this year. I figured that, gift-wise, she'd be good with what our daughter got for her birthday.
> 
> Zilch.


Good for you! Way to set boundaries! This shows you are valuing your own family--very healthy!


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

friscothecat2013 said:


> Wow sh987, I am sorry to hear that. I will never understand what motivates such actions. Its sad.


It's ok now. When you're a kid, you don't always see very clearly how these things are. You grow up and say "Wait a minute. That was not cool."

It wasn't always fun, but things like that can also serve as (hard earned) lessons in what NOT to do with your own kids someday.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

jld said:


> Good for you! Way to set boundaries! This shows you are valuing your own family--very healthy!


Well, I haven't always been successful in establishing those boundaries. I've had times when I've done better, such as this instance, and I've had times where I've done worse.

What's been the biggest obstacle is learning how to get past attempted guilt trips. A few years ago, I had to have a discussion with my mother about one aspect the OP did: treating grandchildren differently. I respectfully said my piece.

Mom: You're right... I'm a HORRIBLE mother to you.

This one has come out 3 or 4 times over the years, when I've had a problem with something in my relationship with my Mom, and actually had the guts to say something about it. This time I said: "Oh. Since you say it, Mom... Tell me: how are you horrible?" She stammered for a moment or two and then gave up that attempt to guilt me. So, I did well that day, but I've had my share of times where I haven't done so well. You know how it is: human. Not perfect.

That kind of thing.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Frisco, your post said that things were basically fine for a long time. I think you would benefit from accepting your in-laws as they are.

While I understand why you'd feel hurt by these things, consider a different perspective: 

1. The other kids were sick, which means they couldn't have found another caretaker, while your kids were not sick. 

2. Their extra spending on the other kids is something that your kids might one day feel hurt by, but they'll be just as hurt by not having their grandparents in their lives. 

Sometimes letting "good enough" be good enough is the answer. If their "normal" behavior toward your family was acceptable in the past, then I think it's important to ask yourself if these issues are more important than your family relationships. By turning this into a fight, you're damaging relationships.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> 2. Their extra spending on the other kids is something that your kids might one day feel hurt by, but they'll be just as hurt by not having their grandparents in their lives.


If someone is toxic, then the kids may be better off not having them in their lives. And about the spending - when they are young, kids aren't going to notice it. But certainly they will notice it/find out about it when they are older, and chances are it will hurt them very much. The money isn't the problem in and of itself, it's the gesture behind it.


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## friscothecat2013 (Dec 21, 2013)

I just checked this, Thank you for all the input. 

Kathy, I so appreciate positive input, with my heart and soul, thank for the the glass is half full perspective. But the kids have two parents, one of which was not even contacted (Brother in Law) to provide care for his children. He is currently unemployed. MIl will not ever burden him with parental responsibilities. It was their other grandmother that dumped them and their other grandfather (her husband is in his 50's and does not work) could have watched then in an emergency. There were other options but Mil will not ever tell them no, even at the expense of everyone else in her life. I had no choice, seriously, no other options and they clearly did. It is just a recurrent theme. 

For Christmas they gave our three children two puzzles and two of the three children cannot even play with them. Its not that they don't have the money, they just put an 800 square ft addition on their home. 

In addition, FIL has been making a doll house for bil's daughter and on Xmas he told my husband that he was going to make one for our girls but it wouldn't be as nice as the one has was currently making. How do you be grateful for that? And that statement pretty much sums up our entire relationship
since we have had kids. 

In the past things were not as obviously uneven but we all did not have children. Once the children came along it highlighted the difference in relationships.

Theseus, 

I agree its not about money but actions speak louder than words and it is the thought that counts! Its not a single occurrence, it is a habitual recurring hurtful theme to our relationship. Since we called them on it, it has just gotten worse. That speaks volumes about them as people. I want my kids to be moral, kind and trustworthy and they are bad examples of these principles. 

If she cannot even acknowledge that we were hurt by them and then they keep the spite coming, I can't have that sort of pain in my life. My Husband finally got enough exposure to this over the holidays and we agreed to start limiting our relationship with them.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

There aren't any easy answers to stuff like this, in my experience. 

I used to think there were. I cut people out of my life because of that toxicity, and that affected my children's lives significantly. In other cases, I kept interacting with toxic people because of their importance to my children.

The result has been a mixed bag.... They are closer to some of the toxic people than to me, and they resent me for my role in trying to mitigate that toxicity. (If someone did something toxic that modeled a lesson I didn't want them to learn, I would confront it in some way, and this often caused rifts between my teen/young adult daughters and me. They'd have preferred the hands-off, keep-the-peace approach.) This caused a period of INTENSE difficulties for several YEARS with each of my daughters. They acted like they HATED me! 

As they have grown older, I see where they have benefited from my approach, though, because they recognize toxicity themselves and tend to respond to it using similar approaches. And they have come around, telling me that they see and understand now. 

But I've also seen where people take that "hands off" approach and never go through that period of intense disagreement with their children. Their kids don't seem to grow up asking, "Why didn't you teach me that? How come you didn't show me how to avoid toxic people?" - at least, as far a I can tell as an outside observer. It's possible that they have their problems that aren't obvious. 

On the other hand, I also saw recently where the hands-off thing led to my s/daughter getting addicted to meth. 

So if forced to choose, I'd side with Theseus and keep them away from the kids if possible, or at least provide constant counteracting feedback that highlights where the grandparents are wrong and showing my kids that they ARE valuable... but I'd have to be prepared for the grandparents to one day teach my kids that they were that way BECAUSE of me, and for my kids to believe them, because it can very easily happen that way.


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## friscothecat2013 (Dec 21, 2013)

Kathy,

Thank you again, these are the kind of perspectives I need to consider when I can't see past my own emotions. 

Everything is so complicated and truly a double edged sword. I am sorry to hear about the stress that that you have been through but I am grateful that you have shared it. I think I can accept that toxic people are everywhere and I need to teach my kids how to kindly and properly deal with them. These will have to be some of life's painful lessons for them, but if I block the course of nature these lessons will never learned and I will be the controlling bad guy. If I try to control it too much I will be nearly as bad as the toxic people I am trying to protect them from. Its such a crappy situation. I think you have offered very sound advice with respect to counterbalancing the negative effects the grandparents have. I think you are right that if I try to hard to insulate my children I run the risk of being vilified by my inlaws. Thank you for the perspective.


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## Bushman1972 (Dec 30, 2013)

Whoah. Inlaws. I have a tale.

I worked for free on their farm for over a year clearing acres of grass, butchering sheep, whatever I was asked. In the hope they would finally like and respect me. When my wife left 2 weeks ago, they broke in to my house and stole the lamb from my freezer that we were given for my efforts. 

MIL is in most part influencing my wifes decisions and congratulating her on facebook for leaving me.
I don't have facebook a mutual friend told me.


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