# Is this cheating? Or an excuse for him to cheat?



## sea1117 (Aug 14, 2012)

My H has never liked me to even be friends with a man, he says all men want is sex from me, that its impossible for it just to be a friendship.
I've always had male friends in my life, which never ever got physical. When the H and I got together 7 yrs ago, I cut my male friends off for him. For the past 2 yrs, I've been good friends with a male at my work. He is married, I am friends with his wife. There was never ever anything physical, we don't go out, talk/txt on the phone nothing. Only time we talk is at work, he gives great relationship advice, listens and gives direct up front answers. I have gone to him about advice about my relationship. 
Never once was there ever anything more then just friends. 
At the beginning of the yr, i found nude pics of a women on my H's phone, I got red roses for that, a couple months later, i found facebook messages between him and 2 other women, and they were far far from innocent. 
He blamed it on my bi**ching and nagging, and how sorry he was blah blah. 
Fast forward to the end of July. A dear girlfriend of mine were hanging out, and I was telling her about my male friend at work, how he gives good advice, and is a good friend. 
Well in turn this "good" friend decided to tell my H, about this. Within mins. of him finding this out, he told me i was a dirty skank, I emotionally cheated on him for 2 yrs, and the things he did where so much smaller compared to what I did. 
Was I cheating? I do know it was wrong of hiding this from my H, but i truly believe i wasn't cheating. Cause of this he decided he wanted to separate, which broke my heart, I had to get medicated. kicker is he wasn't going to leave the house, cause he claimed he had to save up some $$. 
I made the promise to him that I would do whatever it took for our family to stay together and us work this out. I took all the blame and all the guilt. Even though friends and family where telling me I was crazy, I didn't do anything extremely wrong, to deserve what he is doing.
From July to the end of Oct. he probably has talked/slept with at least 8 women. I have read heart breaking txt messages, heard conversations etc. He tells me I deserve it all, cause of what I did with him, and he didn't care how I felt, cause i destroyed him. 
I told him I wouldn't talk to men, cause I didn't want to. I changed my mind at the beginning of Oct. He was never here, he didn't care, was doing whatever he wanted. 
For about a month i talked to 2 men, went on a couple of dates with them, never slept with them. They made me feel alive again, and not like crap, talking to them made life at home a lot more bearable.
Well the H found out I was "talking" to these men, of course he flipped i was every horrible word a man can use towards a women. His reasoning is he can do whatever he wants, cause I had an emotional relationship, and I can either move out and do what I want, or stay in our home and wait for him. To prove to him I had no problem cutting these men out of my life, I changed my cell #, deactivated my fb, provided the H, with all passwords logins to emails, phone bill etc., just to prove to him I am not doing the things he is saying. But of course he said that isn't good enough, and if he looks at those things it will just make him mad, cause he knows he will find things. Which I know he won't, cause the most I'm doing is taking care of our family and house.
With in 24 hours of this, he decided he wanted to work on things between us, and he couldn't imagine me being with another man. 
He's broken my heart, but also has my whole heart. He claimed he cut most of the women out of his life. He is done going otu with them, he is going to stay home. But he hasn't stopped txting/talking to them. He tells me cause I don't deserve all of him yet, and I have to prove to him he can trust me. Which i'm thinking are you freaking serious?!?! you trust me? How am I going to trust you. 
For the past month he has been home alot, nicer to me, loving, no sex, he says cause he isn't ready. HELLO?!?! I didn't sleep with anyone, you did and alot! still on his phone, he's getting smarter and deleting his convo's, but not his call logs or his fb messages. He is still talking crap to girls, and about what a horrible person I am. 
I really feel deep down he is turning everything on me, so he can go do whom and what he wants, and tell me I have myself to blame, cause its ALLLL my fault cause of what I call the "imaginery emotional relationship" he created I had. So I would love to hear everyone's opinion on this please!


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

This is one of the most toxic relationships I've read about here on TAM.
My suggestion is get yourself into individual counseling ASAP to find the backbone you need to leave this man.
He has been manipulating you & using your love for him to engage in infidelity. 
I also wonder about the so called "friend" of yours who told your husband about the guy at work, that's very atypical behavior, unless she was trying to get between you two & cause problems.


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

Sounds like a very dysfunctional relationship the two of you have.

You are being maniplulated & controlled by your H. What he is doing is not right & he will not stop having affairs because he has found the perfect excuse for them. You. Everytime you make an mistake, real or imagined, he will punish you by finding another woman. 

Also, for yourself, going on dates while still married is not going to help at all. Adding more wrongs to a relationship already in the ditch is not going to make it all right. You probably communicated with these other men to boost your self esteem & feel like you were desired as a woman. Right now is not a good time to look for another man, you are vunerable & needy. Try to find strength within, not from external sources.

I don't often suggest a couple separate, but this is clearly not a healthy relationship, by the sounds of it, too far gone for couselling. I think you need to develop some self respect, make a plan to leave the relationship & go.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The way you describe your relationship with the guy at work is not an EA. You should not be talking to another man about your marital problems, even if he does give good advice. But other than that I see nothing wrong with that friendship.

You husband was cheating on you even before he found out about your friend at work. He’s just using the guy now as an excuse to cheat openly and rub it in your face.

The woman who told your husband about your friend at work is not a friend of yours. There was nothing good about her intentions in doing so. 

Your husband is being outright abusive. He is continuing several emotional affairs now that were probably physical affairs. I doubt he even ended the PA part of it. And you taking the time to find out the details is not really worth the heart ache.

You two really do need to separate. I really don’t see any way for the two of you to fix this.

Don’t see any other men until you have this sorted out and are well on your way in a divorce or the divorce is final. 

My advice is that you file for divorce ASAP and ask that the judge order your husband to move out of your house based on his open and ramped infidelity. This would be the only reason that I can see at this point for you to gather any information… for you to have evidence to show that court that he is being abusive by openly cheating on you, rubbing it in your face, and accusing you falsely of infidelity and calling you filthy names.

Seriously, get out of this relationship. You do not love this man. You love the man you thought he was. He’s not that guy, not at all.


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

Just looking back over previous posts. It seems people have been suggesting for some time this is not a healthy relationship & you need to separate. 

The situation has not improved at all from what you have written & will probably continue to deteriorate. You are worth more than what this man is giving you.

I also suggest, should you leave, take some time to recover & get some councelling for youself so you can aviod going straight into another toxic relationship. You don't need a man to be validated as a woman.


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## LiamN (Nov 5, 2012)

Your husband is displaying narcissistic behavior - blaming you for everything and taking no responsibility himself. I agree with the other posters that this is a toxic relationship.
You need to find the courage to believe in yourself and that you are worthy of having a wonderful relationship with someone who will make you feel good, not bad. There is someone better out there for you - remember how good you felt when you dated those other guys?
It's going to be hard and your husband will do everything he can to try to control you and make you feel bad. Bt realize that is going to be part of the process towards finding true happiness - and yourself in the process.
It will be hard but it will be worth it.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Husband's an outright cheater.

As to asking for marital advice. If your husband wasn't a douche and he was talking to another woman (who was nothing more than a good friend) about your marriage would you be all smiley face to your husband and that woman?

I would say no, use the golden rule people. If your spouse shouldn't do it, then you shouldn't do it either.

If you can't talk to your husband about your marriage, why stay married to him? That's what leads to alot of marriages failing, not communicating.

But you have been talking to him but he never listens, well then maybe it's time to leave.

BTW, how many times will you here, "Oh, they're just a friend that i can talk to."

How about, my husband/wife is my best friend and I should talk to them about my problems. If they ignore my concerns maybe they're not the right person for me.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

My word! We hear so much about good, decent husbands and wives being branded "controlling *******."

However, it seems your spouse really is a "controlling ******!"


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If you are looking for advice on how to fix this you are not going to get it. Your husband is a serial cheater and that can't be fixed. He just wants you for a babysitter and housekeeper. Move on and by that I mean run run run.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

what an unpleasant individual your husband is - why on earth would you want to stay with him? Hope he's used contraception with all those women

get away from him right now, no-one deserves to be treated that way


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Dollystanford said:


> what an unpleasant individual your husband is - why on earth would you want to stay with him? Hope he's used contraception with all those women
> 
> get away from him right now, no-one deserves to be treated that way


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree: x100!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I don't see your guy friend at work as an EA.

I do see your husband as obviously out fishing before that for hookups, and he may in fact have already been cheating on you.

Women don't just send naked photos of themselves to men unless the man is out there encouraging it and showing his interest in having sex with them.

But his behavior since claiming you had an EA is 100% wrong and shows he doesn't value the marriage or you. Instead of fighting for you, he sleeps with other women. 

As for your BTW - your going on dates is completely not OK even if you didn't have sex with them. Your still a married woman, even if it is to a cheating snake. You should not be dating while married.

But back to the subject of marriage - Dump this guy and get a D. He didn't honor or respect you even before the two of you started dating others while your married. He did cherish you, or value the marriage.

His words right now aren't supported by his actions - he says he wants you, but he continues to pursue other women. Oh, he claims he won't sleep with any of them , but he's still chasing them.

Tell me what does he plan on doing when he catches them? You and I both know he intends on having sex with them.

He's lying to you, he's been lying to you - D him and find someone who values you and respects you. Basically you deserve a guy who doesn't chase other women because all his time, love and passion are put into chasing you.


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## DevastatedDad (Oct 2, 2012)

I don't know you guys from a hole in the ground but my gut tells me your husband has been cheating on you for years.

His over the top defensiveness just doesn't add up.
You need to get away from this man before he brings an STD home for you.


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## sea1117 (Aug 14, 2012)

Everyone that replied is absolutely right! I'm far from stupid and know what he is doing is horribly wrong and evil!! I'm 33 yrs old, 10 yr old son, not over weight, aged well, get hit on by men, but some how he pulls me back in. WTF?! I have moments of clarity where I want to throw his crap out on the lawn, but again he wheels me back in, trying to make me believe he is doing "dirt" cause of my actions. I think 1 major thing is, i lost my job during this whole mess. So in a way I feel stuck, and wont be able to get my own place till I get another job. Which I look for every second of the day. I feel like he feels even more in control since I am jobless, and making less then half on unemployment. I know the right and smart thing to do, just need to get a backbone and a job to do it!!


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## Monroe (Jun 21, 2012)

My advice: run. He is emotionally abusive... and honestly, a jerk. Get out before he drags you back in and continues to do this for 20+ years.


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## DevastatedDad (Oct 2, 2012)

Make a plan and stick to it. 

Start looking for affordable housing for you and your son. 
Keep looking for a job. Save anything that you can
Find a job, and try and save some money up
once you have enough for a deposit and a couple months rent, move out. Get a restraining order too, this guy sounds like he is mentally abusing you. 

Or move in with a family member or something. You cannot continue to allow this man to treat you like this. You need a plan. You need to get away from him permanently.


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

Classic manipulation. Bery borderline sociopathic. Habitual liar as well. He is trying to isolate you. He will succeed. How do i know. Im married to one. 

Were you habing an EA. that is debatable. Borderline. 

Either way. Your H has severe psychological issues. Trust me. He does.


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## sea1117 (Aug 14, 2012)

I'm emotional drained while typing this. I didn't think I had any tears left, I was sadly mistaken. devestateddad, i agree with you and everyone else, that is what i'm doing every moment of the day. I'm mad and dissappointed with myself, that I keep allowing this and putting up with it. 
I do feel better when i type on this forum, it gives me more strength and reassuring myself i'm doing the right thing. I just can't believe there are some people out there like this. I see more and more what he is doing is evil. About 2 hours ago, he is sitting about 4 ft away from me, I glance over at him, and there is some chic's picture on his phone, I call him out about it, he chuckles to himself. I tell him in the calmest manner possible, how that hurts and when is he ever gonna stop?!?! Oh ya cause today he tells me he has stopped talking to one of the married chics, apparently I'm suppose to be happy now.
So after I call him out. He proceeds to freak out (no violence), yelling that i'm "breaking his balls" and I have no right to question anything he does. I'm stupid bi*ch, he hates me, I think you get the picture. 
After him making me feel like a complete piece of p.o.s, I got on here, I guess more to vent, remind me, have strangers remind me, this is a nightmare!! I convinced myself for the first couple of months that it was all my fault, I still have some small moments where I still feel like it is. 
I've gone to lengths, of finding out who these women are, there #'s, etc. 
Some days I feel like txt/calling them. But then I think, its not their fault, cause I'm sure he is lying to them as well. gawd this sux!!


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

Ive never said this before bit i am now. Leave. Fast. Rin as fasr and as far away as u can. It will all work itself out. It always does. You are none of the cruel things this man has said you are, beaten you down wirh. You are valuable. You are worthy. You are stronger than you think. 

Please, dont llet his sickness destroy you. You are are ious child of the Divine.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Manipulative behaviour like this is one of the most damaging and abusive things you can do to someone. He has an act to keep you where he wants you. 

The act is, do what I like and see how much she will put up with. Do what I like because I care for no one and nothing but me. And in my mind I can excuse it by blaming her for everything. Because it works! If she questions me then I use all the words that will press her buttons and make her comply. I use all the words in my power to shut her up and make her accept anything I do. When I have pushed her too far and she is ready to leave I will then pull out the charm card, the apology card, the I hate my self and what I have done to you card, and then when I have reeled her in again, made her happy with me again, then I can carry on my merry way of screwing her up and screwing her over and screwing any female I can.

See his words for what they are. They are just words. Nothing more. They have no depth or meaning. They are ALL an act, designed to get what he wants. 

He will NEVER be a man, and he will never be the man you want. Leave him now. Kick him out. Whatever you have to do.


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## DevastatedDad (Oct 2, 2012)

OMG, I want to beat the sh!t out of this man.
You have to find a way to leave. Today.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

DevistatedDad said:


> OMG, I want to beat the sh!t out of this man.
> You have to find a way to leave. Today.


me too!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

One way to get him beat up is to find all the married woman he is talking with and inform the husbands...OP, wait for your time..Find a job first


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

sea1117 said:


> I'm emotional drained while typing this. I didn't think I had any tears left, I was sadly mistaken. devestateddad, i agree with you and everyone else, that is what i'm doing every moment of the day. I'm mad and dissappointed with myself, that I keep allowing this and putting up with it.
> I do feel better when i type on this forum, it gives me more strength and reassuring myself i'm doing the right thing. I just can't believe there are some people out there like this. I see more and more what he is doing is evil. About 2 hours ago, he is sitting about 4 ft away from me, I glance over at him, *and there is some chic's picture on his phone, I call him out about it, he chuckles to himself.* I tell him in the calmest manner possible, how that hurts and when is he ever gonna stop?!?! Oh ya cause today he tells me he has stopped talking to one of the married chics, apparently I'm suppose to be happy now.
> So after I call him out. He proceeds to freak out (no violence), yelling that i'm "breaking his balls" and I have no right to question anything he does. I'm stupid bi*ch, he hates me, I think you get the picture.
> After him making me feel like a complete piece of p.o.s, I got on here, I guess more to vent, remind me, have strangers remind me, this is a nightmare!! I convinced myself for the first couple of months that it was all my fault, I still have some small moments where I still feel like it is.
> ...


What I highlighted shows that he has absolutely zero respect for you or your marriage.
I can imagine the laugh he gave too, sort of condescending with a touch of spite thrown in for good measure.
No matter what his psych issues are, this much is true, he's an a*shole & there's no getting around that. 
Yep, this is all about him & his selfish need to do what he pleases & to hell with anyone who gets in his way.
Get your ducks in a row, line up a job, a place to live & never look back when you leave him, your life will be so much better for doing so.


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## sea1117 (Aug 14, 2012)

Trust me there has been numerous times where I want to beat him up as well. Devestated dad, I don't even know you, but your advice/comments have made me feel better. Right now this forum is more of a release for me, to get all my feelings out, and to tell me even more what a complete selfish jerk he is (which is putting it lightly). This whole job thing is really my only stopping point right now. I have put in an application for affordable housing, hopfully I will have a job soon, so I won't have to consider that. Would love to stay with family, unfortnately they do not live close. I'm trying everything possible to get out of this horrible situation, sux its taking so much time


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## DevastatedDad (Oct 2, 2012)

I will cut his brake lines for you


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## sea1117 (Aug 14, 2012)

LOL, if only it were that easy! I swear when it rains it poors!! So the job I was told I got, and was due to start next week, just feel through, within mins of that news, the landlord is pounding on the door letting me know rent is late! errrr. My wonderful mother tells me God won't give you more then you can handle. But seriously, how much more can I take?!?!
Devastated dad, How are ur things going? I read your post about your wife  Ya know none of us are ever going to be perfect, but what on earth is wrong with these people that cheat. Sometimes I feel like the majority of relationships, someone cheats.


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## DevastatedDad (Oct 2, 2012)

I don't get it either. We are doing OK. I am slowly getting over some things but struggling with getting over others. lots of time and lots of therapy.

I am sorry your spouse is not doing any self analysis. That is the one thing I have going for me is my WW is working her a$$ off to stay in this marriage.

I wish more of the waywards on this forum were doing that.


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