# Infidelity and Pregnancy



## lostnotgone (Jul 29, 2010)

Earlier this summer, my wife revealed an affair of several months with a co-worker. We have wrestled for two months on the possibility of rebuilding our marriage. Over the last three weeks, she has become increasingly committed to divorce, without being able to specifically say why.

Then she revealed that she is pregnant with the other man's child. She has expressed true remorse, regret and embarrassment and indicated she may not remain with the other man.

As I ponder my life moving forward, friends and family have pointed me to one question I need to answer:
If my wife is willing to rebuild our marriage, am I willing to raise another man's child? Is this possible? If so, how?


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

If you can get past the baby not being yours, you love your wife and she loves you there is a way forward.

She needs to cut off all contact with the OM, she must leave her job, no feet in both camps, no testing the waters with you, this answer comes first before you commit to her. 

It will be hard work, many have done it, the child has loved his Dad (in this case it might be you) 

Your wife has to confirm she want to be with you and she does love you, work on your relationship, rebuild your marriage and then deal with the baby as if it is yours. 

It will not be easy.


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## lostnotgone (Jul 29, 2010)

Thank you for the quick response.

She has confirmed that she does love me and has expressed a willingness at various times to various people (including me) that she does want to work on our relationship and rebuild if possible.

My fear is that she believes that this is not possibly simply because of the pregnancy with someone else. How do I show her this is possible or encourage her to think about this?


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

It is a slow process, tell her in clear terms that you love her and want to be with her always.

Even say you want to be part of her life and the baby is yours. You need to say this to others as well with her present.

Does the other man know?


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Ask her what she needs done for you to prove that she and the baby will always be yours and loved as your own child.

Be careful you do not want to be a pawn here, in return you want no contact with the OM done now, commitment to change jobs immediately. No argument , no delays etc..


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## lostnotgone (Jul 29, 2010)

The other man does know.

The job change will be tricky due to the nature of her job but it is something that can be worked through.

I am looking for the language that comes across as genuine and honest.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Talk to her soonish, make the decisions with her

If you go ahead, do not put his name on the birth certificate, yours and hers only, there is a legal reason behind this, what you tell the baby at a point in life is the truth but you will always be dad --- you will want to keep the OM out of your lives. Do not agree to a DNA test he can’t force you. The child is yours no one can prove otherwise unless you let them. 

All the above assumes she is prepared to stay married to you. 

Good luck ..


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

Wisp said:


> Talk to her soonish, make the decisions with her
> 
> If you go ahead, do not put his name on the birth certificate, yours and hers only, there is a legal reason behind this, what you tell the baby at a point in life is the truth but you will always be dad --- you will want to keep the OM out of your lives. Do not agree to a DNA test he can’t force you. The child is yours no one can prove otherwise unless you let them.
> 
> ...


Uhh Wisp, the OM can sue for a paternity test and the judge can force them to test the child (I know this because it has been done). Birth certificates can and have been changed according to what the judges order is. Of course this is according to most states in the US. However some states only allow a certain time period for the "sperm donor" to file this petition, this is so later on in life he cannot barge into the childs life. Until the statue of limitation is up HE DOES HAVE THAT RIGHT!

This is just one of the downsides to infidelity. I am just trying to be realistic. If the OM forces the issue and he is the father he will forever be linked to "lostnotgone's" wife. 

lng, you must hope for the best but be prepared for the worst, which is the OM wants contact with the child.

dale


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## txhunter54 (Jul 4, 2010)

I'm going to disagree with Wisp. The baby will be a reminder of your wife's infidelity forever. You may forgive her. But, you will never forget because of the daily reminder. You can grow to love the child as the child was not at fault. But, I would not adopt it and would expect my wife to seek child support from the OM. With the cost of college educations, I would not want to be financially responsible for a child that was not mine. 

Best of luck. You've been dealt a crappy hand.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I agree with txhunter54 - certainly forgive her but divorce her and move on.


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## lostnotgone (Jul 29, 2010)

I just can't find a way to let her go. She has been the reason I get up in the morning and do what I do. I have pondered the possibility of adoption and is something I am willing to discuss.

We have not discussed the possible future of our relationship since this news. I am sure it is something she has not considered, although I am not sure if it is because she is not interested in pursuing our marriage or if it is because she assumes that because of the pregnancy, I will not be interested. If only the latter, what is the right timing and the right way to bring it up? We have not spent time together since the news.


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## txhunter54 (Jul 4, 2010)

You can worry yourself sick by yourself. You need to talk with your wife. I also suggest counseling for both. Individually and together. While I'm not pro-abortion, this is one situation where I would consider it.
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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

lostnotgone,

I respectfully have to go with txhunter54 and Scannerguard on this. I feel that you will constantly be reminded of the fact that your wife stepped out on you with the child there. Also, I feel that you are overly concerned with her feelings and what you need to do to prove to her that you guys can get past it. Lostnotgone, SHE cheated on YOU! You do not need to prove anything! I give you the same advice that I would give my best friend. Get a divorce and move on. I know that you say that she is the reason that you get up in the morning but let's be real about this. If you and her part, you will still get up in the morning. And you will eventually find that someone to reciprocate your feelings. You sound like a guy with a good heart. Trust me, a real woman is going to recognize that and not treat you so badly.


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## NotJustMe (Jun 24, 2010)

I am usually vehemently pro-marriage and anti-abortion, but this is a situation that cannot be remedied in the immediate future short of an abortion.

Perhaps divorce her, take some time to yourself and live life, and if after a couple of years you are dead set on this woman as your wife, revisit the relationship and date the single mother? You know what they say....if it's meant to be and all that.


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## lostnotgone (Jul 29, 2010)

Abortion has been discussed but is not an option for a few different reasons (medical).

Orion, you are right that I have spent a lot of time concerned with her feelings and only recently as I have pushed back on her actions has she realized the love and importance of our relationship. However, the pregnancy information changed things quite a bit. She does not know what role the father will have in the child's life. But she has taken responsibility and shown remorse for what happened.

The question I am really wrestling with is what is of paramount importance in a relationship? I know there are the conscious things like trust, honest, openness. But those are things that can be asked for and granted or denied. I keep coming back to the sub-conscious drivers of a relationship, the things that you body, mind, heart and soul feel because of who the other person is, how they live, what they believe and want. Those are the things that drew me to her and the things that I'm not sure what it would take to violate. This (pregnancy) may be, but so far I don't think so because I still feel the way I do.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

If you love your wife and your wife loves you take the next step. Be assured in deeds as well as words that she does not have feelings for the OM and that she does love you.

Rebuild your marriage if that is what you both want, and yes there many legal opinions here but often it is a game of bluff when it comes to the baby and the OM. Try it. Work though it with you wife.


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

I feel your pain. My first son is not mine. Not as extreme a situation as you. My wife got pregnant right when we started seeing each other. I continued the relationship because of how much I liked her. I didn't see this as a problem. It became a huge problem for 5 years. I built up so much anger and resentment towards her and my son it was disgusting. I never aknowledged how much it all hurt me and took all my pain out on her. I hated life and everyone in it. I pushed her away from me and now she's pregnant again and we can't say for sure he's mine. (timelines point to more then likely but you can't be 100%.) it took me 5 years to fully accept him as my own son..as my blood. I hate that it took me so long but I'm glad I'm there. We got lucky and the biodad didn't want any role in his life. We never would have made it this far if he did. The emotional strain is immense and cannot be calculated in your head You need to get out, if only for enough time to get you under control.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

To try and deny an active dad his right to participate in his childs life is ridiculous. And morally wrong. You are a 3rd party in this and only he can decide his role. 
you sound just like me it's terrible. So doe-eyed and 'we can work through this because of love'. Stop it. You are denying yourself the ability to see clearly and honestly. You are putting all of your feelings on hold to support and be there for someone who wouldn't do it for you. Have the thoughts of I wonder if she is staying with me because it'll be easier for her, not because she loves me but because it's easier? If not they will. I can list off so many thoughts you will develope it'll make your head spin. Don't sacrifice your process for her or the baby because it will hurt everyone in the long run. You might not see it now but it will. Even if the baby is yours, the facts leading up to it have not and will not change. It is NOT a cure all. This will just lead to you exploring the actual problems you have with the infidelity.
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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

Fact This was not a one night stand but a relationship carried out over several months. You are not providing something she needs in this relationship and you need to take a hard look at her motivation behind suddenly continuing it. I'll have to go back and look but it sounded like the timeline read something like she told you awhile after you 'reconciled' that she was pregnant with his kid. That's a big warning to me that she needs something stable to hold onto before things start spinning out of control. 
not near enough time has passed for you to make a fair assesment of her motivations or feelings. You are putting yourself in an emotional tornado and won't see anything rationally. Everything will be about forcing happy to make the future better, instead of dealing and moving forward. Key thing is you need to deal with this. Don't get caught up in the fog that this creates please. Because the fog is hiding so much rubble and destruction that you will feel stupid later for not seeing it
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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

I am 7 years into this and it is still not 100% great. If that's any indication of what can happen. I am clear headed finally and this is what I've chosen because of what my wife's proven to me and what I've reasoned for myself. Please just take the steps to prepare yourself for this fully, and don't jump headfirst like I did. I don't want to see anyone else go through what I felt

I wish you the best with all my heart and hope you keep us updated. I will take a big interest in your story and progression. You are not alone in this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostnotgone (Jul 29, 2010)

Thanks Josh. Although I don't know exactly what you went through, my mind has been through everything over the past few months trying to figure out what my role was, realizing this was all on her, beginning to rebuild myself, thinking about options, wondering if I was afraid of being alone, sometimes being terrified of being alone, other times being completely content with it.

But through it all, in the times we spent together when not discussing the affair or our marriage, we've had fun together and done "normal" things: bike rides, dinner out, movies on the couch, laughing.

I do know how and why I feel the way I do. My wife recently told someone close to us who knows about the pregnancy (very few know) that if not for the sudden pregnancy, she would want to work things out. As I mentioned earlier, I'm not sure she has considered the possibility that I would want to raise this child. I'm not sure I'm there yet but it is something I have been wrestling with since the idea emerged.

Love and marriage require honesty and trust, but those aren't the reasons you get married. You get married for the passion and for the things your partner thinks, says, does and believes that massage your soul. Physical intimacy is critical but is not more important than anything else. I do feel extremely violated and sickened when thinking about that, but I also think part of that is due to societal conditioning of how to think about and value physical contact in a relationship.


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## txhunter54 (Jul 4, 2010)

It's not societal conditioning. Intimacy and sex are a significant part of a marriage. Without it, you are basically roommates and friends. Children should be born out of that love and intimacy. This child is coming from a violation of marital vows that you had no control over. It's not coming from your intimacy with your wife. If she has another child with another guy, are you going to accept that one too? I'm glad to hear you are feeling violated and sick. Those are expected emotions. Your wife crossed a boundary that is very difficult to recover from. BTW, if she doesn't see a way to regain intimacy with you should you decide to stay together, you will be very lonely and starved for affection down the road.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

If I can give you any advice it's this. Stay out of your head. Talk when things bother you and hold nothing back. If you aren't careful then you can quickly be consumed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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