# Husband is not sexually active.. What will I do?



## newyork28 (Jun 28, 2011)

Hello everyone.

I am a newbie here. 

I am 28 years old and my husband is 40 years old. We've only been married for almost two years. We're a regular couple relationship wise, 

One thing that really bothers me is that, He is not sexually active, I dont know if i should say "not sexually active anymore, or not sexually active at all"... We do it once or twice a month the most and its very quick.. I understand about stress at work, financial , or health or having a bad day... but at my age right now, its kinda difficult, I am sexually active and he tells me he is too... but once or twice a month isnt active for me... and with those times, he looks forced to do it because i get upset. Its not even love making, its just a "just-to-get-over-it" thingy...Im not just even into the intercourse only,. Theres no kisses, no hugs, no touches,. just nothing.. One of our usual fight is because i always ask for a hug, and he said its too much.. 

I dont know what to do anymore.. I always get rejected, I feel unwanted, this is hurting me emotionally,. I stopped asking for intimacy because of my fear of being rejected again., but at the same time, its making me act cold to him.. I cant help it., I feel unwanted , useless , worthless....

I hope that someone can enlighten me with my situation. 
I dont want to give up my marriage but whats happening to us is leading me to have those decisions in my mind...


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

newyork28 said:


> Hello everyone.
> 
> I am a newbie here.
> 
> ...


Get out before you waste any more time with him.

He won't change much if at all.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi New York ~

Have you and your husband ever had a satisfying sexual relationship together, or is it something that has slipped since getting married?

Is your husband watching a lot of porn and/or masturbating a lot - basically supplanting making love with you with masturbation?


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> Get out before you waste any more time with him.
> 
> He won't change much if at all.


@ chilly ~ We do not know whether he will change or not because we do not know what the problem is (perhaps it is physical and can be helped) and we do not know him and their relationship. 

@ OP - What is the level of commitment from you and from your husband to be able to get to the root of the problem and work on it?


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## newyork28 (Jun 28, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Hi New York ~
> 
> Have you and your husband ever had a satisfying sexual relationship together, or is it something that has slipped since getting married?
> 
> Is your husband watching a lot of porn and/or masturbating a lot - basically supplanting making love with you with masturbation?


Before we got married, we were in a long distance relationship., Everytime he visits me for 2 weeks, we were very active., I even thought that its very nice and didnt expect that it would change when we got married... Even on a long distance relationship, we were even doing the cyber thingy... so that made me have an impression that he's a normal active guy.. 

He doesnt watch porn since the wedding, and doesnt masturbate too, not that i know of..


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Do you talk with him about this, and if so, what does he say?

Have you looked at potential physical issues - low thyroid/low testosterone?

Has he ever been married before or been in any long-term relationships? He's not gay/bi?


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## newyork28 (Jun 28, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Do you talk with him about this, and if so, what does he say?
> 
> Have you looked at potential physical issues - low thyroid/low testosterone?
> 
> Has he ever been married before or been in any long-term relationships? He's not gay/bi?


I talked to him about this and he said im just too aggressive... and he said , for him, hes active... (i dont think so)... 

He has Hypothyroidism... is that also a factor?

hes never been married before and im his longest relationship. almost 4 years from dating 'til now..


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

newyork28 said:


> I talked to him about this and he said im just too aggressive... and he said , for him, hes active... (i dont think so)...
> 
> He has Hypothyroidism... is that also a factor?
> 
> hes never been married before and im his longest relationship. almost 4 years from dating 'til now..


If he's "active", meaning masturbating, then he should stop so that his sexual energy can be directed to you.

Yes, hypothyroid can have an impact on sex drive if it is not yet controlled. Is he 'euthryoid' - meaning he not only has thyroid levels within an acceptable range, but he also feels like he doesn't have symptoms. Has he ever had his testosterone levels checked? Sometimes one hormone being messed up like thyroid, can cause others hormones to also be messed up. (I am not a male, but I have severe hypothyroidism and struggle to be consistently euthyroid.)

Do you know what went on in his other relationships? Why they failed?

Lastly, does he see your lack of intimacy as a problem too - that he would be willing to work with you on?


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Okay I may get slammed for this but what is a 40 year old doing with a 28 year old? Is he incapable of relationships with women his own age? I say this because when I was younger I dated a couple of much older guys and they had some damage from prior relationships. One was impotent. For men sex is just as much mental as it is physical.

So I'm wondering what happened with his other relationships prior to you? He might have issues that have nothing to do with you but it's his fears and insecurities about committed relationships.

My vote is if he doesn't quickly want to remedy this problem then I'd consider running. It will NOT likely get better. I say this because of his age.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> Okay I may get slammed for this but what is a 40 year old doing with a 28 year old? Is he incapable of relationships with women his own age? I say this because when I was younger I dated a couple of much older guys and they had some damage from prior relationships. One was impotent. For men sex is just as much mental as it is physical.
> 
> So I'm wondering what happened with his other relationships prior to you? He might have issues that have nothing to do with you but it's his fears and insecurities about committed relationships.
> 
> My vote is if he doesn't quickly want to remedy this problem then I'd consider running. It will NOT likely get better. I say this because of his age.



:iagree:


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You bring up your legitimate concern to him and he dismisses you outright with "you're too aggressive" or some BS excuse. I didn't read anything in your post that suggests he intends to cooperate with you to improve the situation. His response seems to be "this is what it is, so shut up and deal with it." Couples can turn these things around, but I believe both have to agree that it's a problem. Your goal is to increase sexual frequency/intimacy. His goal seems to be to get you to quit bugging him about it.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

My sense is that your H has commitment/intimacy issues. This would explain his late-in-life marriage, his 4 year long-distance relationship with you, and now his lack of sexual intimacy with you. Guys who fear commitment will pursue you until they have you, but once they get close to you, they begin to feel afraid or suffocated or both, and to alleviate those feelings, they create distance in the relationship by withholding sex, working long hours, drinking, cheating, or a combination of all of those things. He may not even be aware he's doing it. All he knows is that getting close to you scares him and so he pulls back in whatever way he can.

If you had a more active sex life before and this has cropped up since the marriage, I am guessing this is the problem. And only your H can fix it....through lots of therapy. But if he's not willing to get help or recognize the problem, you are in for a long, unhappy roller-coaster ride with him if you remain married.

As a start, if he won't go to therapy, you should go by yourself.


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