# Found my Wifes Emails by accident over the holidays:



## WindRider (Jan 1, 2011)

My wife and I have been together for over 17 years now. 

When we first started dating I was pretty easy going about her and I seeing other people. As we all know there is that honeymoon period when you first start dating. After some time had gone by I indicated to her that I wanted a more monogamist commitment. She was opposed to that as she was going back and forth with one guy that she had dated through the late 80's. He was about 10-12 years older then she was and more of the Daddy figure. I openly told her that at that point in my life I was not looking to be a Perpetual Dating machine. I wanted to settle down and I wanted to get married and start a family. 

If she was interested in dating she was more then welcome to, and all though it would sadden me I did not want to be another guy she was dating. I was honest and up front to her about my how I felt. About three weeks went by an she told me that she had thought about what I said, missed me, etc... and wanted to make that commitment.

Over the years we have had our ups and downs. Personally I have not been the easiest person to be around, and I have seen it in her persona over the last few years. She is a very “Touchy Feely” person, and I over the years have shut that out. Childhood issues, lack of structured family life, etc... You name I saw it growing up. My biggest fear as with a lot of people in my situation is the ultimate fear of being abandoned by someone you love. You figure if you stay your distance they can’t hurt you.

My personal issues have been eating at me for years. I know what they are, and I know what to do about them. I basically reached a point several months ago that I needed to change personally and spiritually, unfortunately I was not sure how to approach my wife with this emotional break through. She basically has heard my banter in the past and as she put it, “I have gotten to accept your procrastination”.

In our household we both have home offices in separate parts of the home that we work out of when we are not at the office . Starting around the first of December I would hear here in her office typing away. Something that was clearly out of the norm. Few minutes of typing, then nothing, more typing then nothing. 

At first I figured she was catching up on emails, etc... however it persisted all the time. I made the point one night early December and walked into her office while she was typing away. She immediately went into that panic mode of closing out IE windows. I’m not stupid I knew exactly what was going, and I know she knows it. However I just kind of asked who she was chatting with. She said oh its just someone on a knitting forum.

A few nights later the same thing. I walked in on her, again, the panic closing of IE. This time I more or less questioned her a little more in depth. Again, very defensive, and terse that I startled her when I walked. Again, with the I’m talking personal issues with someone. These went on several more times throughout December with her saying things like, Iam talking to someone about female problems, menopause,etc.. I can't talk to you about these things. At this point I knew something was going on, I just was not sure.

I knew something was seriously going on because of her reaction. She was going into Pit Bull mode, something I have seen in the past and learned to avoid at all costs, other wise the situation would escalate.

Knowing that our marriage was tense and mostly my fault I wrote down a list of things about me that I had never disclosed to her and I made a committement to myself that I would sit down with her prior to the new years and finally open up.

Things that have happened to me over my life that have made me who I am today. See I have always known about these things I just never really looked into the mirror and said I have to change. I just went with the flow. 

I sat down with her a few nights back after the kids had went to bed and opened up to her, more then I have ever done in my life and I am in my 50's. It was by far one of the hardest things I have done in my life. When we were done she really did not give me an form of emotional response. Probably because the Jury was out to lunch, on a long lunch. 

I was hoping for something like “don’t worry, we will work this out”, etc...

Well later that night she had issues with her computer so she had to log into her email account on mu computer for work. No big deal I was there and she went throw some office stuff and that was it. When she was done she did not properly log out and when I went to use the PC after she left her email account was open. So I went through and started reading the private emails she had stored in some funky named folder.

Well my worst fears came true. Sometime around October or November of 2010 she had made contact, most likely by phone with this ex boyfriend from the late 80's early 90's. 

The emails that were present seemed to start right around the first of Decemember. There are approximately a couple hundred of them back and forth almost every day of last month. She It’s a lot of sexual banter back and forth which was incredibly hard to read. “All do this and you do that” a lot of “I miss you, I should have never left you, etc.etc.etc.” I want to get together with you etc....

In all honesty I think she instigated finding him. Because the emails in the very start were more heated on her end then on his. As time went on he has gotten more into the same banter.

I know who this guy is so I did some internet snooping and found out that he is married, in fact he’s married to the same woman that he was seeing while he was seeing my wife. He was actually dating behind the current wife’s back with my wife. (Real piece of work)

Based on the emails there has been no hook ups. However there seems to be more phone calling going on in the last week or so. Her cell phone is a company issued from my company and one of the guys in IT provided me with her cell phone call record. I have the ability to monitor the emails on a regular basis, and I feel that in time they may lead to a “hook up”, the only saving grace is that my wife is truly tied to work throughout the day and it would be virtually impossible for her to sneak away. 

So now that I more or less spelled it out, I have come to that cross road of what to do.

My first priority is to make the changes in me that make me a better person. You know the old saying proof is in the pudding. In the end I would hope that she would see that and gravitate back to me and loose interest in this other person. I know her to well to attempt at this stage of the game to force her into submission by an a lot confrontation on the emails. I also know that the holidays are very emmotional for her so that plays into it alot.

At first when I read all the emails I felt like a train had rolled over me. Then the anger set in and I was compelled to bring it out into the open. My close friend just went through this a few years back and I called him for some solid input. His mistake is he came at it like a Bull in a China Store and created more friction then any good. His wife left him a few weeks later for an old high school boyfriend and left him with the kids.

My wife and my family are the most important part of my life. This contact with this ex: is truly out of character for my wife after 17 years of being together, and I am afraid that she might make a mistake that she will emotionally regret in the long run.

I believe that I found out about this in the nick of time. I have toyed with many options but I wanted to just post this story on this board to get some feed back from others.

Some of them are:

Contact the guys wife and let her know what is going on.

Hand my wife copies of all the emails.

Work on improvements on myself and monitor the emails and see if there is any change in the banter.

Call the guy up and let him know that I discovered what is going on. Not to threaten him but to appeal to him to back off because that is what is best for my wife because of her emmotional state. Personally I remember this guy from before and he was a total DB and played my wife like a second hand fiddle emmotionally. It was the fear of loosing me in the intial dating that made her let go of this guy.

Hire a Private Investigator and have him make contact with the guy. That keeps me at of the direct loop, or third party contact the wife.

I would really like input from those that have gone throug this and those that have valid points. I am truly open to suggestions.

Thank you for your time
Wind Rider


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## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

Im sorry Im going through a similar thing I need answers also.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Sorry you are here:


You start of by securing copies of the emails. You do not need more evidence if you have the emails. 

You access your wife's facebook page and copy all her friends details into a secure area, into word etc. 

You do the same for the OM .. 

You do this in case you have to take drastic action.

Once you have completed this you contact the OM's wife first, do not let your wife know. 

You confront your wife with the evidence.

She has to choose the affair or the marriage. The first step is to save the marriage is no contact , when ready we will post more information on this processes. 

You tell your wife's parents, siblings and one or two good friends of hers , regardless of the confrontation outcome you still do this. You let the OM's parents, friends, siblings and acquaintances know as well. You use facebook or what ever other means to get the message out to a broad group of people on the OM's side. You do not hold back!!

Assume that the OM is going to play you and your wife, or the affair goes deeper underground,.

Monitor and see if they contact each other again.



Read this thread under my post there are some exposure words for you.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/19870-my-wife-om-unique-twist.html

Please do not dilute those words they have been created by persons who specialize in saving marriages, they are not my words. 

Do NOT ever let your wife know what your steps are. You do this rapidly and efficiently , the quicker you break the affair the quicker you can start healing the marriage. 


You adapt your home behaviors and run what is called a Plan A

You do not compromise on the Plan or the effort required to break the affair. Do not accept fault for the affair , this is 100% your wifes doing.

Only once the affair stops can you work on the issues within the marriage 





> The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A
> 
> 
> The carrot of Plan A
> ...



I cannot over emphasis that you must plan this well and effect the initial confrontation and following exposure in a short time frame, the script says your wife and the OM will continue in the affair in some way.

If the OM is estranged from his wife or you think she is not effectively going to stop him contacting your wife you do the blitz on all his friends, relatives etc. Do not weaken this is your marriage, the affair persons will lie to in and try manipulate the situation to their advantage. 

Some articles for you to read.

Affaircare site

Articles


Marriage Builders site.

Articles


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

Hi WindRider, Follow Eli-Zor's advice without exception! Don't take short-cuts or disregard this advice. Trust us as having been through this pain. There are similarities in everyone on this site's situations. Following the advice will cause only one of two things to happen but will keep things from remaining the same (that unfaithful secretive affair).

I only wish I had found this site sooner and had that advice to follow.


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## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

If you want to stay in the marriage and build it back then you have to take the steps towards doing that. I would discourage you from contacting the OM. I know that many are tempted to do it, but little good comes from it. 

Do confront your wife, do insist on no contact, she does have to be remorseful and willing to work on the marriage. You also though have to realize that there are problems in your marriage that you contributed to that led to this situation. That does not excuse her choices, but it does mean that in order for real healing, restoration and renewall that both of you have to be willing to look at some hard truths and be willing to make changes. 

From listening to your post you seem to understand that and be making some of those steps. I encourage you to continue that. In many cases - my own was a prime example - the wandering spouse may not believe those changes are real at first. 

I won't lie and say that your road will be easy. But 11 months later and my marriage is fully recovered and better than it ever was before and we both are extremely happy. It can be put back together again, and made into something better than it ever was, but it will take some work and pain from both of you.


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## WindRider (Jan 1, 2011)

Well, its been a little over a month since the ‘S’ hit the fan so I figured I would give a brief follow up, in hopes that it will help someone else.

First I followed the advice of Eli-Zor regarding the carrot and the stick.

I secured all the emails and place them in the hands of my attorney and two close friends. The confrontation took place the night of Jan.2nd and it was not pretty. In a nut shell I was accused of spying.

The following morning the confrontation continued and the guilt on her part set in. I gave her the ultimatum. Either cut it off now.... or watch your life change dramatically when I leave and take legal action against you.

She agreed to end it with an email. I stood over her while she wrote it and I proofed it before she sent it. I also sent the OM an email right after hers of which I made her read. It was professional written and to the point. The only thing that I did not do was send the OM’s family, spouse etc... copies of the email. I did however reference them in my email and indicated that if he attempted to contact my wife I would release the emails to everyone and anyone he knew, and I also indicated that if anything happened to me, unexplained that the emails would be released vie third parties. I also had her cancel the email account which they had been using.

I have to be honest in telling you all that doing the “Carrot and the Stick” had to be one of hardest things I have ever done. Looking back, it truly is the only way to attack infidelity. I always approach business with this simply phrase, “Strike while the iron is hot.”, and in these situations it truly holds true.

Are things better. Better then they were; yes. Grandiosely NO!!! 

We started seeing a marriage psychologist at my request. Had she not agreed to that I would have been gone and legal action on my part would have taken place. We need a third party to dissect our personalities and the baggage we bring to the relationship.

The one thing that I have not seen from my wife is, Remorse. She has repeatedly said she is sorry, but I have yet to actually see the remorse phase come into play. Even the counselor we have been seeing noticed it, at our first introductory meeting. 

We have both had one on one with the Dr. I brought up the Remorse concern and he agreed with me that there are those that say they are sorry, but why they are sorry differs. Some say they are sorry, but in reality they are sorry that they got caught and not remorseful that they hurt another person. Others are embarresed.

My wife brings to our relationship baggage that goes back to her childhood, primarily her teen years with her mother that carried through her 20's. Only time will be able to tell whether her demons will be released. 

I will however post more often on this web sight in hopes that my own insight will help others.

Cheers.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

You have done well , recovery is a slow processe and takes time. Buy the book "surviving an affair" by Harley your wife must read this and so should you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stevend1961 (Feb 5, 2011)

WindRider not that she might be planning anything , but a lack of "true" remorse should tell you a lot about her. And of course that's not always a given. My latest and most probably my last marriage basically crashed and burned the same way yours did. But each relationship is so differently interwoven emotionally, and when I found out what my soon to be ex had done to me, I am sorry guys but my reaction was , well what it was. I was devastated , my world as I knew it was turned upside down , as as I put it to her , she ripped not only my heart out but my ability to trust. And no matter what emotional , physical infidelity is to me the cruelest thing one human being can do to another. The reason my very soon to be ex had her online affair was because I had and still do suffer with a very painful condition, and i couldn't be available to her sexually, its not that the drive wasn't there, it was just that she didn't have the fortitude that commitment takes. And after all that's what marriage vows are. You are promising to to set your self aside for one person , in sickness, in health, for richer or poorer. And those are very direct promises that married people make to each other at the alter. 
After I found out what she had done for three days I couldn't look at her let alone talk to her because every time i tried i just wound up yelling at her. So i didn't. I told her she had to get counseling if we were to reconcile . She went to counseling alright and manipulated the therapist into minimizing her affair, and complimenting my ex about how creative she was in deceiving me. I stopped going to counseling as a couple because obviously there was going to be no "true" remorse from her. 
WindRider being remorseful truly remorseful is a state of mind. Sure we all play a part in the demise of our relationships. But please be sure that this time of renewal is not just a waiting period until something else comes along. 
The best of Fortune to you and may your relationship with her really be nothing short of Bliss


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## Sadara (Jul 27, 2010)

WindRider, My husbands emotion affair was outed last August. It hasn't even been a year. I exposed his affair to everyone we knew and like your wife, my husband was angry about the exposure. However, we are still together and working things out. We are not going to a counselor any longer, but what we got from the counselor was a better ability to communicate with each other.

I struggled for a long time that my husband didn't seem remorseful about what happened. He apologized a lot, but I often felt he was sorry he got caught, he wasn't remorseful. It has taken him months to start to show his remorse. At this point he really does wish he could go back and undo the affair. I still struggle with the infidelity and it has helped our marriage a lot that he has started to show his remorse.


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## JensHere (Oct 14, 2010)

After reading your post, I almost had to wonder if your wife was the one seeing my husband! I've just gone through almost the exact situation. Husband had an ongoing affair years ago with a woman he worked with, I caught them through emails, they supposedly broke it off (He actually stood in my office and called her and broke it off, like that was official or something). Years went by, I honestly thought it was over. But last month I discovered (once again through emails) that they were back at it. I found an apartment and left, and they're now "in a relationship" (according to Facebook). She's also married, not sure how much her husband knows about the latest news. All of this has happened in the past 3 weeks.

We were together for over 14 years, and when I found out they were together again, and he realized that I wasn't going to forgive him this time, he basically shrugged and said, "Oh well, I'm going to see her now", and made me feel like the past 14 years meant nothing to him. 

Things got better for us after I caught him the first time. He insisted it was over. But you can never really trust again after something like that.


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