# Just a mess today



## Devastated1 (Dec 7, 2009)

I don't post here as often as I should, but I do read every day.

Today is just a bad day. The stress of this whole situation is sometimes to much to take. And am just so tired. It is so hard to know that the person you sleep next and took vows with is someone completely different than what you thought.

My husband infidelities were online (as far as I know) and it feels just as bad as if he slept with someone else. He sees it as (in his words) not as bad. Sometimes I'll spend days and weeks trying to get him to understand, then I feel like I'm trying to make him see things "my way." I get so confused, that I feel that maybe he's right and I should "just get over it"

Other times, I get so mad and just want to pack everything up, take the kids move out. But, having no job really limits things for me. 

I'm tired of the emotional roller coaster. I feel if I'm happy one day, it gets swept under the rug. If I'm upset or even crying, then he gets annoyed with me because I'm not dealing with it (again, because he thinks it's not as bad). Well, when you have profiles on all different types of dating sites (Match, Eharmony, Fling, Passion) what am I supposed to do or think? He says he wasn't looking for someone else. Really? Then why the profiles? He can't remember what he said in the e-mails to all these women. Well, back to my question, If you weren't looking for someone then why sign up for (and pay) for these sites and send e-mails if you were looking? 

I can't seem to wrap my head around this.

Sometimes I think if I leave I'll be happy and the stress of this will be gone. But most likely the stress will be replaced with being a single Mother. Then I get mad that I'm thinking like this. Then I wonder, if I do leave, and find someone else (not right away, of course) would I end up dealing with this all over again? Would it be worse? Would it be better? Could I trust someone again? What if I left and met someone who cheated on me and gave me an STD or worse, then thinking I should have stayed and "got over it" blah, blah, blah.

Ugh, I hate this! Why did this all have to happen in the first place?

Thank you to those who took the time to read this.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Are you in any type of couseling?? I personally did not seek out counseling since we were moving shortly after I found out, but I have taken to heart everything that the folks here have helped me figure out with all the different questionnaires, etc. I take full advantage of that as often as I can. The dealing with emotions is hard, but maybe you can condence it a bit for him and say "hey, I am having a horrible day could you be extra ______". Fill in the blank with whatever and make that you way of expressing that you are dealing with a bad day but not wanting to rehash it all over again. That is probably the part that upsets your H, he just doesn't want to have to talk about it all the time. What do you think??


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## Devastated1 (Dec 7, 2009)

That all sounds good. But, the problem that I'm having is that he hasn't told me much. I found out more than what he's telling me. I've asked and asked him to tell me things and he just says I don't remember. So there's not much communication. I've thought about counseling, but with me not working, money is so tight and our insurance doesn't cover all of it. I thought about talking to a priest, but I don't know if I can take marriage advise from someone who's never been married (sorry, not trying to offend, that's just my strange thinking on that part).


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

LMFAO. Actually I never thought about the priest thing in that way, so thanks for that. Got a laugh out of it actually. I can certainly understand the cost of counseling, I am fixing to start college and we can't really afford all that either. If its the honesty you are fighting about, then I had to look at it this way. My H was trying to control the damage. he didn't tell me much, but I found it out anyway. It came to a head where I told him if he couldn't start at point a and get me to point z then we were going to have to talk about it for the rest of our lives. And finally I got there. I don't think they realize sometimes that the lying is just as hurtful, if not more than the actual act.


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## Devastated1 (Dec 7, 2009)

LOL!! I'm glad I could make you laugh 

Oh, college. I've been debating that, too. But it's the money. What are you going to study?

And that's all I wanted and I explained it to him fairly similar to what you said. I told him that I need him to match what I found so I know he's being honest with me. He says he can't because he doesn't remember. I know he was telling lies to protect me. And I said the same thing lying hurts more and also that my imagination will be worse than any truth he could tell.

We're still no where, which is why my head goes towards divorce. I even posted a while back in the considering divorce forum. I'm so all over the place.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Yeah, I am lucky in the fact that I am prior service and have a GI Bill or I wouldn't be able to afford school either. I am going to try for my Associates in Applied Arts so I can be a paralegal. Its pretty common job so I shouldn't have too terrible of a time finding work.

Do you know that its all over now, or are you still unsure of it all?? Honestly, if you have given him the chances and explained to him how the lying makes you feel you might have to decide if you can forgive everything without him saying it all to you. I am guessing that someone here might have better ways of coping with that than I do. 

I think its perfectly okay to flip flop when the SHTF. You have to do that until you can be certain of what you want. Just don't rush anything. My husband knows that in October of this year I will answer whether or not I want to stay. That was the deal. I was taking a year to decide. And I still go back and forth.


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## Devastated1 (Dec 7, 2009)

That's good that you have your GI Bill. Good luck with your schooling. Paralegal sounds interesting and with the number of lawyers out there it shouldn't be to difficult to find work. What branch did you serve? Thank You for your service.

Actually, I'm not entirely sure if it he's not doing anything else. From the little snooping that I've done it doesn't look like it. However, he could just be really sneaky about it now and/or found different sites to go to that I don't know about. He doesn't let his phone out of his sight (even took it in the bathroom one time and came out with an excuse for why), he's changed his passwords to his e-mail accounts (main e-mail and back-up e-mail). Things like that make me doubt. Plus one conversation last year I told him I felt that he's still looking at porn, he said he was, but then stopped. I don't know. 

It's an extremely hard decision to make. I've been thinking that I don't want to be the one to break up my marriage, but then I realized that it wasn't me. If we do divorce it's because of what he did, so he is the one that broke up the marriage. I refuse to feel guilt about that. My concerns are my kids, how they'll react and adjust and what if it happens all over again and/or worse, or what if I stay and there really is something/one better for me out there and it will never be because I stayed. To many thoughts, to much confusion.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I was in the Army for 6 years, I had to get out when my youngest was 18 months and my oldest was about 3.5 years old. I found out my oldest was autistic and with my H and I both being AD it wasn't the best thing for our kids. Thanks for asking though.

Have you guys had the talk about having each others passwords to emails and phones? Especially since he was inappropriate before, now would be the time for complete openness. I am guessing you have already tried telling him that but he has refused. It might be time to start setting up boundaries of what you need. He can either agree or you can notify him that you will not tolerate his not agreeing to them. It sounds drastic, but I think the place you are in right now calls for it.

The only thing I learned throughout trying to overcome my H's affair is that at the end of the day, I don't care who's fault it is if we divorce. All I care about is being happy and raising happy kids. I couldn't care less if he stood on the rooftop and annouced it to thw world that it was my fault. As long as I was happy. This might be the time where you have to start thinking long term about would you be happier being alone then with him.


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## Devastated1 (Dec 7, 2009)

That's understandable. I can imagine military life being very difficult for your oldest.

Actually, we haven't had that discussion at all. I know what he needs to do, but I want him to figure it out and come to me. Probably not the best course of action, but I feel that it would be better for him to come to me and "Hey, this is what I want to do, here's my passwords, phone, etc..." I feel that would be a huge step for him to show that I can start to trust again. I feel that if I tell him what he needs to do, if he does it, it will just be because I mentioned it to him and he didn't think of it on his own. Not sure if I explained that properly.

You are absolutely right. Every word. All I really want is to be happy and for the kids to be happy. I did mention at one point to him that I felt it would be better because he shouldn't be with someone that doesn't trust him and I should be with someone I don't trust. He doesn't agree and feels he can win my trust back. Not sure on that one, I won't forget. Sometimes I do feel that I would be happier. And sometimes it seems that the kids would be happier,too. There's so much fighting going on now. He'll be yelling at the kids for something and my son will scream "stop it" and he doesn't. Then they cry and run to me. Then other times, all they'll want is their father. Which makes me flip flop again.

Sometimes, I'd just love to punch him in the face for doing all this. But obviously I would never do anything like that.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

hahaha. I can sympathize with wanting to just punch him. I have been there quite a few times, but always manage to keep my hands to myself lol.

Honestly, wanting him to do it himself is playing with fire. Only because it isn't a need for him, its a need for you and he probably isn't going to ever realize that. I know affaircare and tanelornpete recommend the love busters quiz and the emotional needs questionnaire. I think that could be a less direct way for you to communicate that you need that from him. This way you aren't fighting about it, but at the least letting him know you absolutely need it from him right now.

Flip flopping is a horrible feeling, and one that seems to take its sweet time stopping. All I can tell you is that if you think there is a glimmer of hope, try talking about doing those questionnaires. Tell him you would like to try together to start fixing things, but you both need a clear picture of what the other needs and wants. I know it sounds almost unnatural to have to sit down and write out what you need from your husband, but at this point I think it might be such a great help to both of you. I did it with the husband, and we actually learned quite a bit. It seems silly, but once you get through the weirdness its really helpful.


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## tj71 (Jul 20, 2010)

I totally get how you are feeling. My wife also had an EA but it feels like the real thing in my mind and heart. I think your mind is connected to your emotions and reality more than you think it is. I think there is something that makes your mind accept things as reality even if it was just emotional. Not sure if that makes sense but that's exactly what I am feeling right now. I have so many emotions and questions going through my mind every day it's just so overwhelming at times.


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## Devastated1 (Dec 7, 2009)

I understand it's playing with fire. But I'm just thinking that he messed it all up, he should be the one to start fixing things. Once I see that he does want to work on things and he shows me he can be trusted, then I'll be more than happy to meet him half way and have any discussion he wants etc... However, all he's shown me is that I can't trust him. He's changed his passwords, he locks up his cell phone, he's set his web browser to not save his history, he still keeps things from me (major things and small things) until they hit the fan, then it's "oh, I have something to tell you." 

Why should I say "Honey, this is what I need you to do." Besides I thought that's what our wedding vows did. I know I listened to them. Maybe I should put in our wedding video and listen to that part, see if "forsaken all others" is even in there. Maybe I got it all wrong.:slap:

I just feel that he needs to man up and start doing more work regarding this situation. He created it. But I am so tired of him turning things around onto me. I personally feel that if I even decide to leave, he'll make stuff up to make me look like a bad mother and try to take the kids. I truly feel that way.


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## Devastated1 (Dec 7, 2009)

tj71 said:


> I totally get how you are feeling. My wife also had an EA but it feels like the real thing in my mind and heart. I think your mind is connected to your emotions and reality more than you think it is. I think there is something that makes your mind accept things as reality even if it was just emotional. Not sure if that makes sense but that's exactly what I am feeling right now. I have so many emotions and questions going through my mind every day it's just so overwhelming at times.


And that's because it is, in a way. She gave someone else the depth of feeling that she should have been giving you. She confided things to someone else that she should have confided in you. I've heard some people say an emotion affair is worse than a physical affair because sometimes a physical affair is just about sex and not emotions. Emotions change everything.

My husband was online only (for all I know). He's sent e-mails, but he can't "remember" what he typed. Um, ok. So I'll never know exactly what the extent of it is. Although, there was one dating site that he was on and had a bunch of women in his favorites. One women lived in the same town that he works in. Convenient? He says he'd remember if he did anything with someone. I say, he'll lie to his dying breath.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

No Devastated, I am pretty sure you had the marriage vows right all along. I have noticed with my husband in particular, that when he doesn't know what to do, or doesn't think anything he does do will make a difference, he does nothing. That was one of the hard parts about recovering from his affair. He didn't know what to do, so he just went on like normal. 

Honestly, I can see why the passwords would be a huge issue and I would think that your H could see that for trust to be rebuilt it has to be earned.In a perfect world you wouldn't have to tell him what you need from him and be the one to start the healing, but we are all in this imperfect world trying to survive.

How are you feeling today by the way??


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## Devastated1 (Dec 7, 2009)

He sounds like my husband. He does the same thing. Just do nothing and pretend like it never happened.

I think he knows that he has to earn my trust back and infact has said it before that he will earn it back, but I fell that he's to self absorbed and feels he's entitled to his privacy and I just have to deal with it. Which he had complete and total privacy before and look what happened.

Yesterday was another bad day. I'm really trying to get my emotions under control again and it's not working out all the well. Today doesn't look much better either. I do have something that I think will be fun planned for today with the kids, so I'm hoping that will help. And I hope they will have fun, too.


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