# Scared to make the final move



## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

Dont know where to begin. Ive written here before in other sections of the site. Things just arent and I donk think can work out btw wife and I.

Im 34 wife 30 we have 2 kids, i go to med school and wife stays home with kids. Fortunetly between loans and scholarships and grants we are living well financially. Our relationship was on an upswing in 2011-12 actually it was happy simple and good. until i started med school And her teenage sister came to live with us from their country for a year. I began finding less alone time between wife and I, i began losing my voice around the house. Meaning that in her sister presnce talking to my wife was considered rude if I did not also address her sister and with her sister there always, pretty much my wife and i stopped speaking cuddling anything. 

Fast forward to now ... Sister is staying for another year (this was decided back in march...and we already had a blow up over this) there was and is tension over chores. It took 4 months for us to sit down divide up things. Still my wife resnts the fact that i have less "in house" chores although i spend equivalent time doing finances, paying bills plus im at school 40-50 hrs/week. 
My wife been suggesting we split. She tells me she doesnt like who i am, my aspirations she doesnt care about and has not this school year ask me about anything i have learned about. Im far from perfect, but i ask her everyday about her day, i have helped her with her business shes been trying to start, i have tries to come to solutions for our issues such as spending more time together. Everything is blown off. 

I don t know what to do. I would love to stay together but it feels so far gone. Especially with zero prospect of privacy, and zero want in her part. To be honest, i dont know why im here, what im waiting for and why its so hard for me to say bye
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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

I should add that i have tried talking to her about the need to spend more time together and that although im happy for her that her sister is here, it does take away our time - she disagrees. 

Tension around chores is basically that she feels her and i should have equal amounts of chores while i think her staying home includes those chores too especially that i am not physically there to do them. Plus her sister is here living for free. So i made a list one day and thats what im gonna do. As i felt i was being taken Advantage of. On top of that, i handle finances applications etcc... And that takes time too, lots... Howveer that doesnt seem to be counted.

She is also upset that i get to pursue my school while no one supports her business. She started this business ventuer in march of this year and while im happy for her, i cannot study less or sacrifice my studies for this idea of hers that she may or may not continue to pursue

Speaking of her sister... I will be telling wife that im gonna need her sister to help with some of that household expenses like food since i was never asked about her staying another year and afterall i am a student and should not have the burden of supporting someone else - its a same of her parents not to ask if its om...or maybe they did and i just not aware of it... I think thatll be the straw that breaks the camals back
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## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

May I ask did you both work before. As long as her sister is there she doesnt need you. You have two women against you not a pleasant thing.
I dont think the argument is about chores. You need counselling.


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

accept1 said:


> May I ask did you both work before. As long as her sister is there she doesnt need you. You have two women against you not a pleasant thing.
> I dont think the argument is about chores. You need counselling.


Before i started school she was stay at home mom, she quit her job in jan 2011.

Shebwill never go to counselling it is beneath her, shell never let anyoe tell her about her ... Ive suggested it

I used to work late in tuesday wed thursday and would come home and we would have great convos, aex 3/week which was great, we even had 2 vacations over the .2011 winter and had a blast! I beleive things worked because it was just her and i! Now theres nothing, worse than nothing!

And her sisters isnt leaving, i cant imagine how that would work, me getting rid of sister! She does nt think at all its a lack of privacy but a lack of love
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## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

What about her parents. Are they happy that you are splitting up.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I thought from the time I first read your story that your wife definitely prefers her sister's company to yours. Now she wants out. If she doesn't want counseling and doesn't believe she loves you I don't see what you can do to turn things around.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I remember your story. I'm so sorry things have continued to deteriorate. I don't understand how your wife has come to a place of absolute entitlement. Granted, I hated that my job, as a SAHM was 24/7/365 with no vacations or sick days, but I don't think any SAHM has the right to expect equal chore division.

If you are in med school, who is bringing in money right now? What is the nature of her business...are we talking avon? Or do you mean some sort of independent consulting? The only reason I ask is if she is from a different culture and she is the one bringing in money... What country is she from? How do you account for her unwillingness to work things out with you?

If she really won't try to work it out and you really are done...the only thing left is to make an exit plan.

So sorry.


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> I remember your story. I'm so sorry things have continued to deteriorate. I don't understand how your wife has come to a place of absolute entitlement. Granted, I hated that my job, as a SAHM was 24/7/365 with no vacations or sick days, but I don't think any SAHM has the right to expect equal chore division.
> 
> If you are in med school, who is bringing in money right now? What is the nature of her business...are we talking avon? Or do you mean some sort of independent consulting? The only reason I ask is if she is from a different culture and she is the one bringing in money... What country is she from? How do you account for her unwillingness to work things out with you?
> 
> ...


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

Thanks! Im bringing in the money/resources through bursaries, scholarships and loans. We are actually living better than before because before she HAD to work becaus my income didnt cover all bills, we now have a car that SHE uses daily, she now has the abiltiy to stay home try running a little online clothing business which doesnt make money. 

She IS entitled and yes her sister here f'ed things up and i wish it never happened we were doing sooo well that year... Sex, hosting partys at home so a good social life, connected, pictures and memories to prove it ALTHOUGH she changes history and doesnt acknowledge that year and a half. 

I am so sad! So sad that this went this way... I have so much resnetment at how im being treated! In an example my wife fighting with me over chores etc... yet her sister has barely anything despite living for free at our place not contributing a dime...we had our daughters bday lunch sunday her sister came and when the bill came she didnt pay her own meal ... I mean why would i pay? Because i have and continue to! Tonight im telling wife i need her sister to contribute to household expenses.

So many issues! 

So sorry.
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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Didn't you mention a cultural difference in a thread?

It sounds as if your wife expects her sister to be treated as if she were your dependent child, while you expect her to act as a guest in your home. You guys are worlds apart. Did you two ever sit down and discuss these expectations regarding privacy, contribution and funding?

My older sister lives with us and we did discuss these things. Actually, I complain about her not loading the dishwasher right more than my husband complains. But your SIL is still a child, and will not think to do things on her own, but must be told. You can hold your wife accountable to ensure your SIL does her part. 

Dealing with a woman from another culture that seems to breed this entitlement from their women...unless I have you confused with someone else...your wife is Asian right? I sure see it a lot here, Asian wives aren't always the timid submissive little females they are made out to be.


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> Didn't you mention a cultural difference in a thread?
> 
> It sounds as if your wife expects her sister to be treated as if she were your dependent child, while you expect her to act as a guest in your home. You guys are worlds apart. Did you two ever sit down and discuss these expectations regarding privacy, contribution and funding?
> 
> ...


Hi Anon
Yes there is a cultural difference she is from mexico and a very entitled upbringing - dad did everything for her.
When SIL first came it was in aug 2012 and for one year to take a class instead of going straight to university after high school. We didnt discuss privacy etc...I didnt even think about it as we had "tenants' living in the bottom bedroom before SIL came and were used to having a little less privacy but still managed to have a good relationship during that upswing I mentioned. This abandonment (which is what I feel it is) caught me completely off guard. 

In march it was brought to my attention that X was going to stay another year. However, at that time we had overcome problems we were having in the fall and I thought we were passed that. We were spending more time together, sex, went on a trip.. it was better. So, again, I didnt protest but I did bring up the fact that I wasnt asked ...we fought! 

So, this is where we are at:
-SIL is staying, not currently paying, little responsibility (more than before, but not for example equivalent to the rent that she would be paying as a tenant.). I feel like a sucker/used/resentful because of the fact she does not financially contribute, wife or SIL have never said a simple thanks for paying for sh*t, ever! To make it worse, I was happy that her sister was coming and supported her immigration application BECAUSE I care for my wife and wanted her to be reunited with her sister. THEN I am told I am not a good person...haha. I spent 4k this summer for wife and me and our 2 kids to go to mexico for wife to see her parents, which she hasnt seen in 5 years...BUT Im not a good person though.
-wife also wants to separate, she feels we have no connection and that I dont love her and says she doesn't love me, that she does not like me as a person for many reasons...
-wife resents me for various reasons be they chore division, wanting to relax when I get home at 9pm, others
-Wife doesnt ask or care me about how my day was, what I learned etc...I feel alone and empty.

I am so sad and realistically don't know why I am here...except for kids.

There is no question that separation/D will cause me to see them less. During the week I come home late-ish like 8-9 so I do see them at the tail end of the day, if I was living elsewhere I would not see them. It would only be weekends. 

I feel that it would crush me to see her with someone else, I also would just hate the idea of some guy parenting my kids...omg makes me sick to think these things...

I feel so stuck...


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Go back and read the advice on your other threads. You should not have allowed the sister to continue there and IMO you are going to need to put your foot down and get her out- either back to her own country or make her own arrangements for a dorm room (at her own expense),

If you divorce, your wife is not going to be financially able to keep your sister anyway (sounds like). So kick her out, take the heat, and see if you can get this turned around. Once the dust settles, I suggest you take your wife to this: Marriage Help Program For Couples

To me, you sound like you doormat too much. As I said on the other thread, your chronic absenteeism nights is not going to heal the marriage. You have to spend one on one time with your wife besides just sex time.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Blonde said:


> Go back and read the advice on your other threads. You should not have allowed the sister to continue there and IMO you are going to need to put your foot down and get her out- either back to her own country or make her own arrangements for a dorm room (at her own expense),
> 
> If you divorce, your wife is not going to be financially able to keep your sister anyway (sounds like). So kick her out, take the heat, and see if you can get this turned around. Once the dust settles, I suggest you take your wife to this: Marriage Help Program For Couples
> 
> To me, you sound like you doormat too much. As I said on the other thread, your chronic absenteeism nights is not going to heal the marriage. You have to spend one on one time with your wife besides just sex time.


:iagree: Well done Blonde. Cut straight through and get to the meat.


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

Thanks Blonde
I have read the references and have implemented a variety of things and feel good but contrary she is even more resentful! 

And about her sister, really, i cannot kick her out, i cannot! Her parents sent her here and trust we are taking car of her. In her culture shes a baby! 

I have no doubt this is the issue as it started then. Is there anything else you can think of of other than kicking her out. My wife wont go for it, she is her baby sister + shed rather see me gone now than sister
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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Thehusband2 said:


> -wife also wants to separate, she feels we have no connection and that I dont love her and says she doesn't love me, that she does not like me as a person for many reasons...


Wife wants to separate, and you are now posting on "considering separation and divorce"

How does your wife intend to provide for her "baby" sister in a country foreign to them if you separate? IIRC your wife would pack off back to her own country if you separate. 

Which is MORE drastic? Send the sister home OR separation which means sister is out anyway and wife leaves with sister and your kids to another country?

I vote- sister out. If she is considered a baby then the dorms are not an option. She'll have to go home to her mommy and daddy. You can wait till she finishes the semester she paid for which means she can go home in December.



> I have read the references and have implemented a variety of things


As far as implementing the advice you were given. You are still too "nice guy" by not putting your foot down @ this sister living with you. It is proving way too disruptive to your marriage and if I was in your shoes, I would not tolerate it.



> and feel good but contrary she is even more resentful!
> ...
> wife resents me for various reasons be they chore division, wanting to relax when I get home at 9pm, others


 Probably because of chore wars and your chronic absenteeism (all those late nights with no couple time). I disagree with the NMMNG "stop helping/don't do chores" aspect. If she feels like the maid and sex slave instead of part of a team--> resentment.


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

Blonde said:


> Wife wants to separate, and you are now posting on "considering separation and divorce"
> 
> How does your wife intend to provide for her "baby" sister in a country foreign to them if you separate? IIRC your wife would pack off back to her own country if you separate.
> 
> ...


Sister has paid for entire year- until june and i just have a hard time throwing someone out on the street. It is messing our relationship but really nice guy or not i cNt just send her back and realistically doing so will not help my wife and i, maybe another way rather than essentially by force.

I actually am not chronically absent maybe 2 days a week i caome home 9 rest of the time like 7 - normal hours. It was actually worse before I started school. I actually have all weekends off school to spend with family.

I dont know what she will do, i guess she thinks she will have support from me, while its true i will give child support, i looked up the amount and its not much and certainly I wont owe spousal as i go to school and infact she would have PAY half our debt we have no assets and our debt was accumulated to support us. But she would have welfare, the room downstairs to rent out... And even may have to go to work! 

In any case, although i have great memories of a year and a half ago and wish it were like that now, i realize she has never been a good communicator, we have always had unfair and dirty fights, and really i deserve being respected and cared for. i dont see how this relationship is healthy. It cannot always be me convincing her to try. To be criticised constantly. I really do t see this turning around. I will bring up trying again and investing our time as couple time and it being a priority. Including her sister giving us space. If it doesnt work, then thats it. Better know then when im done school and working. 

Suggestions? 
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## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

Thehusband2 said:


> Sister has paid for entire year- until june and i just have a hard time throwing someone out on the street. It is messing our relationship but really nice guy or not i cNt just send her back and realistically doing so will not help my wife and i, maybe another way rather than essentially by force.
> 
> I actually am not chronically absent maybe 2 days a week i caome home 9 rest of the time like 7 - normal hours. It was actually worse before I started school. I actually have all weekends off school to spend with family.
> 
> ...


Absolutely!! I understand all about cultural differences, but if she wants to leave you over not supporting her sister, then let her. 

Marriage is a partnership.. between TWO people. If she can't respect your need for "couple" time, she doesn't respect YOU. Do not let her take advantage of you by allowing her to use you for her and her sisters/families gain


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