# The 22 year old woman, with the 28 year old man



## KrisDeg (Jan 26, 2014)

My wife who I will call "booge", has filed a restraining order against me, had me arrested, and is now in a casual and very sexualized long distance sort of relation ship, is now filing for divorce soon. We have two children together, ages 2 and 4, and they are my world, rather my family is my world. 

She is filing for divorce after I found out that she had been speaking to a man she met online through a game named Marcel. Marcel is a 25 year old man who is finishing up college. There was an altercation and fight between the two of us (first time in front of the girls) and scared my oldest quite badly when I punched the wall and flipped my recliner chair in anger after I found out she had been cheating on me for weeks emotionally, sexy messages through texts, etc. She was falling for another man, and I had felt replaced. I grabbed her wrist as she had tried to leave with the girls and she later had me arrested for battery. I spent a night in jail and when I was released was served an injunction, stating I could have no contact via third or first party with my wife. In two weeks was a hearing to decide the dresults of that injunction. After an emotional rollercoaster for me which involved calling all her friends and family to "rally support" I found I was alone. I was further pushing her away. In the week leading up to this event she had discussed wanting a seperation because she felt lime she needed to be able to stand on her own two feet, prove it to herself she could do it.

Our marriage has never been called stable. I have had (just found out recently) that I have a low-t issue, which was always a point of contention as we fought frequently about how little I wanted to have sex. Let me clairfy, my wife is gorgeous. So attraction was never a problem, and she lives for sex and sexual attention. Red flag number one. We got married mainly because she got pregnant but I soon fell in love with her regardless.

Financially we struggled, and I had a moment with pornography (which she views as cheating) and lied about it also. I later came clean and tried mending my ways but still struggled occasionally. 1.5 years into our marriage we moved to Florida in hopes of greater prospects. We stabled out financially, but never sexually. September of 2013 my mom committed suicide, and that was really the downfall for us. My sex drive STOPPED. Which after a few months of rejection lead her to look elsewhere. She found Marcel to have a great sense of humor, very sexual, and being so far away (North Carolina) there was nothing tying her to him. 

So here I am now, finally realizing that it is too late to fix things, madly in love with my wife and want to mend my family. I gave begun running at the gym and sure enough my sex drive returns. Now she is gone. 

I told her I will wait patiently even after divorce, as I made life vows to her, and her alone. Still providing to her however I can to make her life easier. 

So I ask you. Am I insane...? Is being this far in love, crushed and depressed while thinking about the two of them (shes genually excited about the 'giving him a chance') having phone sex and eventually hooking up. Im so confused. 

Kris


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Might I suggest that you try posting over in the Coping With Infidelity forum. I think you will find better and more proactive help there.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Yes, a little bit of insanity I would say.

Your low T, left untreated, made her feel rejected. Your relationship has never been stable. Your family is in crises. Your best bet is to let her go, focus on your health and your daughters.

Get yourself together man! Your daughters need a healthy, loving and involved father.


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## Lefacade (Jan 10, 2014)

Only chance you have to get her back is to let her go. Do the 180 on her and make yourself the best Dad you can. Focus on the kids. If there is any chance, she'll start seeing you moving on becoming you're own person and a great dad. Then she will start be like wtf was I thinking? At that time hopefully you are at the point where you are over her and really have the perspective to see if you want to try and fix things. If she hasn't filed yet then you do and take control over the separation or divorce.

You need to make it so she doesn't control your life or feelings anymore. Then if there is anything left she be the one fighting to get you to come back. If not, you'll have moved on in your mind and be ready to find someone who wants to be with you. Also work on the Low T and other things during this period of distancing yourself from her.

I think you have a good chance of this working because Marcel doesn't do the day to day with her. He is a fantasy of something else without all the problems. You are real life and she is forgetting that. Plus not too many men really want to be a step-father right out of college when they finally have the ability to start making their own life. If he doesn't realize it now he will and so will she.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

KrisDeg said:


> My wife who I will call "booge", has filed a restraining order against me, had me arrested, and is now in a casual and very sexualized long distance sort of relation ship, is now filing for divorce soon. We have two children together, ages 2 and 4, and they are my world, rather my family is my world.
> 
> She is filing for divorce after I found out that she had been speaking to a man she met online through a game named Marcel. Marcel is a 25 year old man who is finishing up college. There was an altercation and fight between the two of us (first time in front of the girls) and scared my oldest quite badly when I punched the wall and flipped my recliner chair in anger after I found out she had been cheating on me for weeks emotionally, sexy messages through texts, etc. She was falling for another man, and I had felt replaced. I grabbed her wrist as she had tried to leave with the girls and she later had me arrested for battery. I spent a night in jail and when I was released was served an injunction, stating I could have no contact via third or first party with my wife. In two weeks was a hearing to decide the dresults of that injunction. After an emotional rollercoaster for me which involved calling all her friends and family to "rally support" I found I was alone. I was further pushing her away. In the week leading up to this event she had discussed wanting a seperation because she felt lime she needed to be able to stand on her own two feet, prove it to herself she could do it.
> 
> ...


Stop posting here and run, not walk to a competent attorney and get your affairs in order. Protect yourself and your daughters future. Get some IC and scuttle the sinking ship. You won't salvage this marriage.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You're insane for promising to be there even after divorce, if nothing else. All you're doing is laying out a big cushy air bag so she can go try her fill with the other guy, and know that she still has you to come back to if things don't go well with him. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

It takes a long time to come to terms with losing a family and a partner. 3 years anyway to adjust. Do what people suggest and don't be the fall back guy for her, she won't respect that position if you take it. Just talk about the kids when and if you talk to her.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I'm sort of with Lefacade, the only way you have a chance of getting her back at this point is pursuing the 180.

For starters, because of the various court orders, there isn't much you can do about it right now anyway if the restraining order is still in place. Your family friends/family aren't coming to your aid, probably because of how badly you reacted to discovering her EA. You didn't do everything you could to treat your low-T and take care of her sexual needs for a long period of time, and are naturally unable to address that for her now. You've screwed up quite a bit, and there just isn't much you can do right now.

With that said, if you are allowed to speak to her or send her a note, I think it's ok for you to write a long letter detailing how you realize all of the areas in which you have failed her and your family, all of the areas where you now know you can and should have done better, and acknowledge that she deserved a better man than the one you had become. I'd explain that you understand why she is so hurt, how she had become so vulnerable from your lack of physical attention that she could be susceptible to another man. I'd even suggest that while you can accept responsibility for having left her in such an unloved state that she started the EA, you cannot take responsibility for her continued cheating and pursuing divorce. Go ahead and say that you still love her, that you still want to fight for her, that you are committed to changing yourself, addressing your inadequacies, resolving your porn addiction, fixing your low-T situation, etc., and you hope she will reconsider. You hope that she will reconsider ending the marriage, now that all of the cards are finally on the table and you can both now be fully free to address them openly, honestly and directly. If she can recommit to the marriage, then she'll find you a more loving, forgiving, man who will stop at nothing to address every problem the marriage has faced that you can. However, you will correct your issues with or without her, whether for her if the marriage can be preserved, or for the next woman you mean and fall in love with. You will find happiness regardless, and you will be the best dad ever to your two kids. You will become an awesome husband, for someone else if need be. Until she decides to change course and give the marriage another chance, as she had vowed to do, you cannot support her course of action and will not be available to her and will focus on yourself and your children alone.

I think it's a good thing to admit fault in every way you can, assure her that you love her, that you are willing to forgive if she can equally admit to her faults and recommit to change just as you will, etc. Beyond that however, she has to take responsibility for her actions and her desires, and you can't support her choices that aren't for the benefit of your family as a whole. I think you have to do this because you did screw up repeatedly, so you can't just expect her to give you another chance without an over-the-top from the heart apology and assurance of change. I'd even include evidence of that, (like "I've already scheduled appointments with a therapist who I will see every Tuesday, and have joined a men's addiction group at a local church.") to show that you mean it. Beyond that, you have to stand up for yourself or she will never respect you, desire you, or view you with any other emotion aside from pity.

One more thing, the odds are enormously high that her relationship with this other guy will not go anywhere, or fail shortly thereafter. Adulterous relationships are doomed to incredibly high failure rates, and when her EA with him does end, she'll suddenly feel very alone and her thoughts will inevitably drift back to you. I'm not saying she'll suddenly come running home, but ONLY then will she be able to view you with the slightest degree of objectivity. At that point, you need to appear strong, determined, confident, and have some successful change/improvement under your belt by that time. You'll want her wondering then, "Hhhmmm... maybe he is/has/will change..."

In the meantime, regardless of how it plays out with your wife, you need to focus on YOU and your kids now. Get into independent counseling/therapy. Look up an addiction support group locally and join it. Start working out and eating healthy. Assuming you are still in your home, make sure you are keeping the place clean/tidy and fix any overdue repairs that need addressed. Keep working hard at your job and angle for a promotion or maybe even look for a new and better job. Stay social with friends as well, in a healthy way that is. (Don't come stumbling home drunk, don't go overboard, etc.) Start spending much more time with your kids and being SUPER DAD to them every day.

Then, regardless of how things play out with your wife, you'll be better off either way.


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