# Getting over the anger and resentment



## CAviaGA (Oct 7, 2013)

New to the forum but have read through many threads. Seems like a helpful place.

I'm newly divorced and all will be final in November. The papers are all signed and I did a one-time cash settlement. Money was paid in June and aside from the final declaration by the court, we are "done".

I'm sure we all have a long story.... but here's my somewhat shorter version. Married just under 10 years. Before marriage, she told me she had just 2 years of college to finish to become a nurse. About 2 weeks into the marriage, she started to unravel emotionally and basically had a breakdown. I finally got her to a doctor and therapist and they started her on a path of medication. It helped some things, but hurt others. She eventually showed improvements but never seemed to be able to cope with the normal everyday trials and tribulations of life. Little things would turn into BIG things to her.... like a snowball running down a hill and becoming huge. I did my best to be patient with her and continued to support her goals and to help encourage her in positive directions.

She did continue with some college and also tried a few different diversions into other career training that never panned out. She had always told me she wanted to be a nurse. It was her "dream". I told her to not take any shortcuts and that I would do whatever it takes to make sure she could realize this dream. So, that meant getting on a waiting list for the nursing program that would take over 2 years! In the meantime, she expressed extreme unhappiness with our living situation. I had bought a nice house in a very nice neighborhood that had a really good school system and was very safe. I had bought her a horse at this point and it was boarded at a facility in our town. She wanted to live in the country and just hated the neighborhood thing. She found the compromise in another property that was for sale in the next town over. It was a large horse property and would allow her to have her horse, as well as a few others in the back yard. This was an expensive house but I knew she'd be in nursing school soon.

Nursing school began and she went 4 days before dropping out. She also decided she didn't like this new house as it was still in the city and it was just too loud. I put the house up for sale and lost a ton of money. We lived there just under 2 years. I started looking for that 'out in the country' house and went into escrow on a nice place. She went to a tech school for medical assistant which cost me another $4500. Upon finishing, she went to an internship for one day and then didn't pursue it at all. I listened to my dad's advice and finally started to "do what's right for YOU because she's never gonna be happy". I pulled out of the other house and moved back to the town I first lived in out here.

She came to me last February and told me that she felt she needed to move back to GA where her family is and to be back in the country where she belongs. Also, it's important to note that every 5 months or so, she would threaten to end the marriage and take half my stuff. EVERY 5 months for 10 years. This time, I realized I must move on. Even though she said we would mediate, she instantly went and hired a lawyer. I did the same and was finally able to convince her to go to mediation.

CA divorce law really sucks for someone in my situation. Community property/ No Fault. I had my best year financially last year due to a large one time payment I received from a job that is NOT the norm. The basic formula for spousal support resulted in her getting around 40% of my gross income for half the term of the marriage. This was based on the previous year's income. Through being nice and just taking a lot of abuse from her without responding, I was able to negotiate a one-time payout of $170k. She moved back to GA and bought a house in her hometown, out in the country.

She stayed for 4 weeks and put the house up for sale and has moved back to CA. She's renting a duplex, in a crowded neighborhood.

So, I know that I did the right thing in divorcing her. She was never going to be happy and all the responsibility for trying to rectify that situation fell on my shoulders. She did nothing for "us". She never contributed a single penny, in 10 years, to the household. My father loaned the $170k to me and I'm paying him back over the next 5 years which is around $2,800 per month. She has a pile of money in the bank and I'm struggling here after losing all this money in real estate and also limiting myself financially over the next 5 years because of this monthly obligation. I did EVERYTHING to help her for 10 years and she was the obvious winner for those 10 years. She was able to pursue any career path she wanted. She had horses. She drove new cars. She got a very nice horse property to live on. ALL at my expense. She was on the gravy train for 10 years, yet somehow once she says she wants out..... I somehow OWE her more??!! 

I'm having such a hard time with this and it has bred a ton of anger and resentment. It just seems so unfair for me to be in this position because of her. Obviously, I could have ended the marriage much earlier but I made a commitment and I really wanted to do EVERYTHING I could to make it work and to make her happy. It's a horrible position to be in now knowing that all that work was for nothing plus the financial aspect of having to dig myself out of this deep hole. I lost around $100k on the house stuff so that's around $270k total. Painful, expensive lesson here I guess. I know have to get past this and just move on but it's like the devil himself is sitting on my shoulder and is whispering in my ear to remind me of how crappy this situation is. How can I get past this? I've always been a happy and easy going person. I feel like you attract what you put out to the world. I don't want to be an angry person or be a bummer to those around me.

Well, so much for the "short" version.  I've thought about writing her a letter but I know ultimately it wouldn't do any good. I've had no contact with her though she's contacted me numerous times. Hopefully just writing this post here will help me to release some of the feelings. If you're still reading... thanks for listening and I hope you're doing well in your situation.

p.s. - I guess it's important to note that our counselor believes that my ex has a form of Borderline Personality Disorder. I read up a lot about it and I could not agree more.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I'm sorry for your predicament. However, take solace knowing that in the long run you'll continue to do well and once she has exhausted your 'gravy train', she'll be seriously struggling. 

Also be thankful there are no children (that you mention).

You could have avoided mediation and gone the attorney trial route but in the end it wouldn't have been much better. She could prove you were the sole supporter (even though both of your intentions was for her to work) and she might have tried to claim you knew she was mentally ill/disabled due to the unraveling 2 weeks into marriage and could have requested alimony for a long time.

The best revenge is living well. Eventually you will live very well.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

You lost a lot of money but gained your life back. The crazy making has stopped.
Journalling helps, you write out your thoughts every day.


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## frootloop (Dec 20, 2010)

CAviaGA,

I know just how you feel, I'm just a little further along in the process. I was married for 5 years, and due to a one-time windfall and some odd CA accounting rules I ended up paying $1 million to get out of it. ($200K a year? wtf!)

Its tough not to be bitter while you're still paying the bill for it (as I am), but things do get better. I was fortunate to hear about my ex thru a friend - within a year, she had spent thru it ALL. $500K for a house, the rest wasted away on this and that, and a few cars. So, apparently now she's thinking of selling the house and moving somewhere smaller - I suspect the concept of getting a job really hasn't occurred to her. 

I try to focus on the expensive, but relatively brief lesson that I should not marry again - the laws are very unfriendly to the somewhat wealthy.


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## wtf2012 (Oct 22, 2012)

I would say your ex and my STBXW would be great friends...but neither would ever be happy with their relationship.

Try thinking about like this: Instead of seeing all the wasted time and money, think about how much time, money, and stress you saved by getting divorced after only 10 years.


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## Wise Fairy (Sep 17, 2013)

CA, 

I am sorry that all this happened to you, but more sorry because she sounds like she was a spoilt brat, who has taken advantage of a guy like you. 

What the heck did this woman have that would make you give up the farm so to speak. 

It just makes me wonder because I have struggled to make it all my life, worked paid my own bills and here is someone that got things on a silver platter working builds character. 

It's not about what you get, you are so right there was no pleasing that one, best to stay clear. 

Enjoy your life now the best you can and I hope that you can recover you will if you stay away from her. 

Peace


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## CAviaGA (Oct 7, 2013)

Thanks all. I try to look at it like this -- She was like a cancer in my life, eating away at everything. Anyone would certainly pay this money to be free of cancer. My dad made the analogy of a bad investment. The marriage counselor said that sometimes our education in life comes at a big cost.

We didn't have children together. She has a son from her first marriage that I raised since he was 6. I did want to have kids at one point, but her "career" was so important to her that I decided it was best to allow her to pursue that full steam ahead.

I'm looking at myself in all of this as well and trying to figure out why I stayed so long. One reason is that I HATE to lose. I wanted so badly to make this thing work. Also, I stood before my family and God and made a commitment. I wanted to do everything possible to see it through. I know I did my best. 

It's difficult to accept the fact that she got rewarded so well at the end of this and I was punished further. Seems like it violates some natural law of the universe. It challenges my very core and belief system. I know I have to move on from that and not dwell on it. It's so true that living well is the best thing I can do. I don't wish anything bad on her and I don't really feel the need for any sort of revenge. A good friend told me that the opposite of love isn't hatred. It's apathy. I have a million thoughts that race through my head that I try to apply reasoning to. It's a waste of time because she would never 'get it'. It's a waste of time to try to make sense of it all.

I'm making a lot less this year than last and she was able to sell that house in GA (after owning it for 5 weeks). She's living back in my town about 1 mile away. Joy. She has a full time job now as well. If the calculations were done now, I would owe her a LOT less. I got screwed royally and it sucks. She got rewarded and I'm further in the hole.

I have so much to be thankful for and I want to be positive. I do believe that you attract what you put out there so I don't want to be some sort of black cloud. I know it will all take time.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Ah yes. I hated to admit failure. That I'd been naive, made a bad decision... all of it. Too stubborn to leave and then too afraid and ashamed.

Wish I'd done it sooner.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Ah yes. I hated to admit failure. That I'd been naive, made a bad decision... all of it. Too stubborn to leave and then too afraid and ashamed.
> 
> Wish I'd done it sooner.


But there is great power and freedom that comes from admitting your flaws, faults, failures, vulnerability, lessons...


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> But there is great power and freedom that comes from admitting your flaws, faults, failures, vulnerability, lessons...


Yes, there is. Freedom from fear of being imperfect.  I am SO okay with my imperfections now - maybe too okay! LOL


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hehe. Love your hat, Enjoli. Chiquita banana?


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