# One on One Lunch with Female Co-Worker



## Caparious (9 mo ago)

Relationship background: My boyfriend and I have been seeing one another for 2 years. Until October 1 year and 8 months was secret because he could have lost his job because of his position.

Edit: To make the lunch part understood because there was some confusion. Lunches aren‘t against policy per say. He is an asset protection manager so can’t have a personal relationship with anyone in the store as far as dating, sexual, etc.

We both went to lunch a couple times until someone told a manger about us and he was talked to about it. After that we no longer went to lunch or dinner. We only saw each other at each others homes. In the first year he went to lunch with one female co-worker who was friends with before I started working there. I have never had a problem with her. In 2020 there was a management restructure and one female manager did not get a position. I later found out that she had some sort of a grudge because she did not get one of the new management positions but I did being the new manager in the building.

She had never went to lunch with my boyfriend until after that. I found out that she knew about us. She was the one instigating the one on one lunches. A few months before I left the location so my boyfriend and I could date, it got to the point they were going to lunch almost every time they worked together. No, it was not pertaining to business. He’s the type that if asked to lunch would just go.
One day I worked a closing shift and when I arrived they both left for lunch while they both should have spaced their lunch apart. They also bailed right at their time to leave because she made him go home on time. Them leaving on time was not a problem, but them leaving all of their tasks for me was. I was so upset about this.

Not long after this situation my boyfriend and I worked a closing shift together. It’s always supposed to be 2 managers, but sometimes one would be on a leave of absence or call in. She opened that day. At our time to go to lunch, I hear her say she’s going to lunch. Another opening manager made a comment about it, “Did she really wait until now to go to lunch just so she could go with him?“ I even had to come back early so the other manager could leave on time. When I was heading to lunch she purposely waited on the front end for him for about 20 minutes just so they could go and was obviously trying to avoid me.

After that situation I had it, and blew up on him. He said that he thought we were friends and didn’t think anything about it. She had never invited me to lunch or even in a group setting when they would go with the other friend. There’s no reason that I couldn’t have been invited that day. A few days after the situation happened she says to me that we should have went to lunch. I believe the other manager said something to the store manager about what happened and something may have been said because I saw them going to lunch the day after.

Around the same time, she was working a special project for his office to organize it and build something. No, this is not part of her job. She wouldn’t even bother helping anyone else with anything.

I don’t have an issue with my boyfriend going to lunch with other female co-workers but with her is upsetting to me. I have tried to get past it, but it’s hard considering the fact that he was going to lunch with her so much to the point people were speculating about and I was left out of the group lunches with the two female co-workers. The way she was acting about it made it seem intentional.
I‘ve been going through a lot these past months with my mothers decline in health and recent passing. Moving job locations and ever day stress. He almost never asks me out to dinner. Our recent outings have been me asking him if he would like to go and do something. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t expect him to take me out all the time, but it seems like most of the times when we have gone out that he has instigated was when he came to the town I work while I was working and we grabbed something quick to eat before I had to run back. When we have actually had a day off together, he‘s never asked me out for dinner.

There was another situation with a past relationship of his that threw me for a loop after I moved stores. Thats a whole different story, but I have to also deal with a psycho for an ex fling. She was trying to be my friend to find out about us. Then she went full psycho after she officially knew after I left for my new location. The relationship was a year or more before we got together.

With all of these things building up, the situation has been bothering me lately. Do I have a right to be upset about the situation with the one female co-worker?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

For me meals with the opposite sex are a no no. You have to decide if they are a no no for you . If you tell him how uncomfortable they make you feel but he carries on anyway, you may need to ask yourself if he is the right guy for you.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

To be honest your boyfriend comes across as an oblivious, obtuse idiot and that’s the best scenario. Otherwise he just loves the idea of having a few women chasing after him.
Neither is a good omen for a successful relationship.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

what the heck type of business do you two work in that the management cares who you eat lunch with?
Is he a priest and you are a nun?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Be the one sought, not the one...fraught.
Fraught with anxiety.

If this dude wants you, he will claim you, be sure of that.
You should be in his cross-hairs, not 'just' on his list.

To me, this is childs-play.
The thing is, that love play never really ends.

We want what we want, others, they follow suit.
If he has tasted of your favor, it seems, he finds you, not his flavor.

Believe that.
Move on, My Dear.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Caparious said:


> Relationship background: My boyfriend and I have been seeing one another for 2 years. Until October 1 year and 8 months was secret because he could have lost his job because of his position.
> 
> We both went to lunch a couple times until someone told a manger about us and he was talked to about it. After that we no longer went to lunch or dinner. We only saw each other at each others homes. In the first year he went to lunch with one female co-worker who was friends with before I started working there. I have never had a problem with her. In 2020 there was a management restructure and one female manager did not get a position. I later found out that she had some sort of a grudge because she did not get one of the new management positions but I did being the new manager in the building.
> 
> ...


This sounds to me like your BF is playing the <lunch>field while you watch.

He has no respect for you or your feelings. Kick him to the curb, and find somebody else to have lunch with.

And yea, same as @Diana7 , repeated private lunches with the opposite sex is a no no.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

No, you don't have the right to be upset. You're not married. There is no commitment. He can have lunch with whomever he wishes.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

He obviously wants the attention from other females. What he's doing is inappropriate.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

You have to establish boundaries. To me, there are some implied boundaries if you are married, such as no one-on-one social lunches with people of the opposite sex. In my book that is a date, plain and simple. Monogamous married people don't go on dates with others. You aren't married, but you can have boundaries too. They need to be discussed. You shouldn't blow up at him, but you should have a calm and open discussion about what makes you uncomfortable. He then has to decide if he will agree to them. If he does, them hold him to it. If he doesn't, then you have to make a choice about what you can tolerate and whether or not you can stay with him.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I got exhausted about a third of the way through.

What is so great about this guy that warrants a post this long about lunches? Think about it, he did lunch tomfoolery with you before, and how he’s out lunching with other ladies. He might be a work lunch “player”.

Kick his ass back to the lunch line!


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

I have been a business owner for 30 years. I have never and would never go to lunch with a female employee/subordinate alone. Period. If I owned The business where you work, he would be toast.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Diceplayer said:


> No, you don't have the right to be upset. You're not married. There is no commitment. He can have lunch with whomever he wishes.


They have been an item for two years so I can't agree with that.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Practical business sense is no male goes to one on one lunch with female subordinates. 

Part two: you two aren't married or engaged, his schedule is his own.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

My advice might be a bit late here, but I wouldn't recommend dating coworkers. Like, ever. Sure there are the situations that work out, but most of the time, they don't. Now, if you break up with your bf and she dates him, it's REALLY going to be awkward and upsetting.

I don't believe your bf is this naive...so, I'd probably just back away from that relationship, and in private (out of work) tell him that you both need a break. If he asks why, I'd share that he doesn't seem to be concerned with your feelings, and maybe it wasn't such a good idea to date him since you work closely together. You can undo this, it's not too late. 

Personally, just not a fan of dating coworkers...it's usually a bad idea as you're seeing.

PS - I don't see anything inherently wrong though with colleagues of the opposite sex having lunch together, on occasion. But, when it's planned, everyday, etc...one or the other probably has interest, whether married, in a relationship, or single. I work from home now, but I worked in an office a few years ago, and went to lunch in groups of men and women, so it wasn't a big deal.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

I've said it here a million times.

Men and women cannot be friends without one or both of them eventually getting the feels. Most often it is the man wanting to bang the woman but goes both ways.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

I've been a professional in the corporate world for probably longer than you've been alive. First, don't poop where you eat. It is never, ever a good idea to date a co-worker. I do know a couple who met at work and married and are very happy, because there's always exceptions, BUT they worked in different departments and very rarely crossed paths in the office. They still kept it a secret basically until she changed her last name after they got married. So your whole relationship, IMHO, is a bad idea.

I work in a field that is predominantly male. I have male co-workers who have become friends. We have, back when I worked in an office, gone to lunch together. However, no one was following anyone around or waiting for lunch until a specific person was available. It was always the same casual vibe that happened between me and other female co-workers or the guy and other male co-workers. I'm married and honestly, there is nothing ever in my behavior that would make anyone ever think there was anything "up."

We have instincts for a reason. This is a fairly new relationship, and there's already this monster red flag. I'm a stranger on the internet, so take it as you like, but I'd cut bait. Not worth the heartache and worry, and DEFINITELY not worth the damage it does to your professional reputation to be diddling a co-worker, especially not one deliberately embroiling himself in a "love triangle." It's too much baggage for me. The dignified thing to do is be done. Next time, find a guy that works somewhere else.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> They have been an item for two years so I can't agree with that.


They have been an item? What does that even mean? What does the amount of time have to do with anything? And when is the line that it takes affect, after 3 dates, 10 dates, 3 months, seven months? Where is the commitment? There is no ring. They are just dating. He can see whomever he wishes. If she disagrees, she should move on.


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## MF_DDAY224 (10 mo ago)

my ex went to AA, met a guy there who said was helping her be a better person and they went out to lunch/dinner/coffee, she ends up falling in love with him and cheated on me. so...yeah probably not a good idea for people of the opposite sex to be going on dates because it will most likely lead to something more


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Diceplayer said:


> They have been an item? What does that even mean? What does the amount of time have to do with anything? And when is the line that it takes affect, after 3 dates, 10 dates, 3 months, seven months? Where is the commitment? There is no ring. They are just dating. He can see whomever he wishes. If she disagrees, she should move on.


The reality is he can see whomever he wants even if married and if she disagrees she can move on, divorce. Just because they aren't married doesn't mean there are no boundaries.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

He wasn’t even supposed to be going to lunch with anyone. You said it’s against company policy and that’s why you had to be his secret.

he’s has no boundaries. He doesn’t respect rules. And he has no respect for you and how his behavior may affect you/your feelings!

that’s way more than enough to ditch him asap!

he’s just inadequate as a partner! You can’t teach someone like that how to be a decent person and respect others. Be done with him!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Diceplayer said:


> They have been an item? What does that even mean? What does the amount of time have to do with anything? And when is the line that it takes affect, after 3 dates, 10 dates, 3 months, seven months? Where is the commitment? There is no ring. They are just dating. He can see whomever he wishes. If she disagrees, she should move on.


They have been an item mean they have been together for 2 years. Most people who date understand that neither should date anyone else. Yes, especially after 2 years. It's a fair time to date.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> They have been an item mean they have been together for 2 years. Most people who date understand that neither should date anyone else. Yes, especially after 2 years. It's a fair time to date.


Oh, ok. Two years means they are an item. One year eleven months means it's ok to date others, Got it. Makes no sense but I got it.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Going to lunch one off, or occasionally is ok. Every day with a member of the opposite sex, especially the same person, isn't. It's just common sense to have boundaries around that sort of thing. Many an affair has started this way, both good people with neither one having any intentions of it happening. 

Your bf is loving every minute of this OP. I'd be done.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Diceplayer said:


> Oh, ok. Two years means they are an item. One year eleven months means it's ok to date others, Got it. Makes no sense but I got it.


You are taking it too literal. After some amount of time together its pretty obvious, if not explicitly stated, that you are exclusive. That usually would happen quite early, just apply some common sense. Boundaries can be established at any point in a relationship, married or not.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Diceplayer said:


> Oh, ok. Two years means they are an item. One year eleven months means it's ok to date others, Got it. Makes no sense but I got it.


No you don't get it. Nevermind.


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## Caparious (9 mo ago)

Beach123 said:


> He wasn’t even supposed to be going to lunch with anyone. You said it’s against company policy and that’s why you had to be his secret.
> 
> he’s has no boundaries. He doesn’t respect rules. And he has no respect for you and how his behavior may affect you/your feelings!
> 
> ...


Lunches weren’t against the rules, but we were in a relationship and couldn’t make it obvious that we were. However, he was making it look like him and this other girl were because of how often they went.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Why are you still involved when he’s totally disrespecting you?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> *I don’t have an issue with my boyfriend going to lunch with other female co-workers but with her is upsetting to me.* I have tried to get past it, but it’s hard considering the fact that he was going to lunch with her so much to the point people were speculating about and I was left out of the group lunches with the two female co-workers. The way she was acting about it made it seem intentional.


Have a blanket rule, problem solved.

No 1 on 1 lunches with the opposite sex, work or otherwise.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

All this bickering, and back and forth debating, it is exhausting.

It all boils down to.....

Who's on the menu?



_Gwendolyn-_


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Are you sure they don’t have a relationship?


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