# Wife wants to leave



## xandrew245x (Sep 2, 2012)

Hello everyone, I met the girl that I am currently married to my last year in high school, and I knew there was something special about her, and I knew she felt the same. We started dating after about 2 weeks, and everything was great. She decided she wanted to go to college about 3 hours away, this really upset me because I really loved her and would hate to be away from her so much, but I supported her decision. We talked a lot about it, and I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, but I thought college was work a shot, so we went together. After a few months there I really saw her mood changing, things were going downhill but I tried my best to stay positive. I know she hated her roommates and everything, and really missed being away from her mother, an apartment together was something we both really wanted, so we set fourth to find one. about a year after being in school we moved into our own apartment, we were both very happy. At this point our normal relationship was okay, but our sex life was very lacking. Before we left for college she started taking birth control again. We were living in pittsburgh at this time. Being a big city, I constantly worried about her, and hated her going out with friends because I always worried something would happen, big flaw on my part, and I have worked on that a lot since then. Well slowly she separated away from her friends, and I felt it was my fault, but she assured me it wasn't. After a couple of months I pushed her to see her friends, and she did, and she was very happy about it, which made me really happy. As time went on we would have nasty arguments and things like that, and we would both say things we didn't mean. I talked to her about maybe seeing a doctor because things just didn't seem right with her, and she talked to her mom and her mom agreed she should. She was diagnosed with depression and given medicine. After a few months she was better, not 100%, but defiantly improved. We both decided college life wasn't right for us, we moved home and my parents allowed both of us to work for them. After a while of being home, things seemed good for us, we still had our spats, but things were defiantly better than they were, the sex even got a little better. After a few months of living there, I decided it was a good time to look into getting a house, my wife wasn't so thrilled on the idea, but I assured her I would take care of everything, and we had to move out anyways. Well we found a house, and even she loved it. Things were good for the first couple of months, no big up and downs, just normal. We were married on September 8 2012, I had my worries about it because of how things were now, but she was really set on getting married, and told me she was in love with me, so we did it. Things started going downhill after marriage, we started fighting a lot, things were getting violent. I know I have a lot of flaws, anger is one of them and I have a hard tim controlling it, and I want to seek help for it. There were instances were I would slap her, or she would slap me, or I would grab her wrists to hold her from leaving and things like that, one time I grabbed the back of her neck, which made her fall, and I really regret ever doing that. There was one particular instance I absolutely hate myself for, and it was nothing but a giant accident. It was the day after my grandmother died, me and my wife were very close to her, and it was very hard. We had an explosive argument about something, I can't even remember what it was, it was so stupid. All I can remember is she came up there stairs and I think she shoved me, and it made me so furious I shoved her back, causing her to fall down the stairs. It was a complete accident, and I am so thankful she wasn't hurt, if she would have gotten hurt I would have never been able to live with myself. After that incident I once again talked to her about her explosive anger, I mean I couldn't say anything to her without her getting angry, and yes I have contemplated leaving her, but I love her more than anything in the world. She once again talked to her mom, and her mom said it would be a good idea to see a phycologist. She was diagnosed with type 1 bi-polar disorder. She was given medication, and slowly but surly I saw a change in her, a change for the great actually. Around this time she also stopped taking birth control. Over the past couple of months she has gotten so much better, our sex life has been the best it has been since we started dating, and the fights were a lot farer in between. Last wensday she asked me if she could go hang out with a friend, I asked who and she told me, it was a guy, but he was gay. I told her Idk, it makes me feel uncomfortable. Well I ended up finding out she was going to a guys house and was going to hang out with a whole bunch of people (guys and girls) including the gay boy. This made me a lot more uncomfortable, but I told her I wish she would have just told me the truth in the beginning and I did let her go. I just asked her to be home around 10. She went, hand a good time, I texted her a little after 10 and asked where she was, she said you never told me I had to be home by a certain time, it made me upset, I may have said something mean I don't remember. When she got home she came down to the bedroom and tried to give me a kiss and I told her to just please leave me a lone. I know I acted way harsher then needed. The next day I noticed she was texting someone. She denied she was, and I asked to just see her phone, she fought me the whole time, went to the bathroom came out and handed it to me. I looked and said, you deleted whoever you were talking to. She lied saying no I didn't. Well I can get online and see all incoming and outgoing texts and sure enough she was talking to someone. She finally told me, and it was some boy she used to be friends with back in the day and was part of the group of people that night. I was upset that she lied to me about it, and we had a small argument, then she told me she was leaving me. This completely caught me off guard. All she said was she couldn't do this anymore. That night we went home and she clearly wanted left alone so I gave her the space, I slept on the couch that night. The next day it was like nothing happened, she played with me, joked so on so fourth, the happiest and most fun we have had in a while. That night we were together, and I went to bed first, she came to bed and slept with me. This continued for a few days. She finally told me she cant forgive me for what I have done to her, that I have been nothing but emotionally abusive and that I blame everything on her. I don't really agree with this, but I am not saying I haven't been emotionally abusive at points. Her mom tried to talk to her and I together about it and she ended up getting pissed off and storming off. When I came home she had the spare bedroom bed made and that has been where she has been sleeping ever since. She has gone and hung out with her friends quite a few times since this has happened, and I am fine with that. But here is basically what she is blaming me for. She said I am emotionally abusive, controlling, wouldn't let her have friends and so on so fourth. I told her I would be willing to do anything, we could try couples counseling and I can go get help for my anger and we can set rules and boundaries and that she could see her friends whenever she wanted. We had a good talk today about everything and she says she can't try anymore, that she has given me enough chances and enough hints that I was doing wrong. A couple of months ago she threatened to leave me after a big fight we had, and she packed things and went to her moms, that whole thing diffused in one day and by that night we were all happy and cuddly together. This was before her medicine, so I thought it was just an outbreak. So I have told her I am willing to try anything, even sell our house and move into something smaller and cheaper so its less stress on us, to get couples counseling and everything. She keeps telling me counseling will do nothing. I don't know what to do, because I love this girl with all my heart and I care about her more than anything in the world, I have wrote love notes to her expressing my true feelings, I have even begged, which I wish I could stop doing because I know it doesn't help. I don't want to lose her, she is the most important thing to me. My parents don't know about this yet, and i told her today if you are 100% positive this is what you want I need to tell my parents, she was kinda upset by this and said do whatever you have to do, and I asked her what was wrong and she finally blurted out, I don't know what I want to do! and she said she would consider everything.

Sorry for such a long thread, but I really need some help.

I know a lot of you will probably say it has something to do with this other boy, but I asked her today if she had feelings for him and she looked at me and started to laugh and said "are you serious? Me having feelings for him would be like me having feelings for a gay guy"

I would also like to say I have never cheated on her, I have never even thought of cheating on her, hell I don't even look at other women, she is the one for me. But if she is really done with this, I just want to move on with my life.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

That's cheater script, a person who doesn't cheat would reply I would never do that and prove it to you.
Not laugh at the question.


Also, break down your paragraphs so its easier to read.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## xandrew245x (Sep 2, 2012)

mablenc said:


> That's cheater script, a person who doesn't cheat would reply I would never do that and prove it to you.
> Not laugh at the question.
> 
> 
> ...


Sorry, was kinda in a rush typing it all.

She did say that is something she would never do, she has even said to me many of times even today I would leave you before ever doing anything with someone else, I am a better person than that. She was cheated on in a previous relationship and she said that is something she would not want to do to anyone ever.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Proceed with caution, the deleting text and the he's gay is suspicious, don't ask her anything again act normal. Continue to monitor her text and bill statement.

As hard as it is to admit, everyone is capable of cheating and she has many red flags.

You mentioned she stop taking birth control. Please don't get pregnate while having these problems as they will make it worse not better. I hope the hitting has stopped.

Whatever you do, don't beg or cry, it only makes her feelings to leave stronger.

Also take a look at her meds, sometimes they can trigger strange behaviors.


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## xandrew245x (Sep 2, 2012)

mablenc said:


> Proceed with caution, the deleting text and the he's gay is suspicious, don't ask her anything again act normal. Continue to monitor her text and bill statement.
> 
> As hard as it is to admit, everyone is capable of cheating and she has many red flags.
> 
> ...


The boy being gay is true, I know him and he was one of the guys that she was hanging out with, so she was telling the truth about that. I know she could have cheated, which honestly would just make this easier on me, it would just give me a reason to kick her to the curb. She has always been secretive of her text messages even ones that were just to her mom or sister, I guess its just a personal thing, she never said anything wrong, she just didn't like me reading them. She didn't want me to find out about her talking to a boy because I have gotten angry before about her talking to guys because I was jealous, so I really do understand that. 

I know she does her best to take her medicine every day, but I know on the weekends she often forgets it, and one of the things about type one bipolar is they have manic phases and depressed phases (highs and lows) In manic phases that aren't controlled they will have a blurry view of what is right, they will make erratic choices and decisions and not think clearly. She has shown a lot of these signs and both me and her mom are very worried about her.

We haven't had sex since this whole thing happened and I doubt we will anytime soon, were not even sleeping in the same bed right now. She is on her period right now.

There has only been a few instances where I have been physical with her, and from this point on it is never going to happen again, I know it was very wrong of me, but no one is perfect.

I just has a total realization and I feel completely bad about it. It started when we moved into our apartment in pittsburgh, she would say she would hear things or see things, and it has continued on into our current house. I wasn't very nice about it and said she was just making it up or that she was crazy. Now I realize that she was actually hallucinating things because of her bi-polar. Ever since she started her medication, she hasn't said anything about it. I should have been very supported about that for her, and now I feel awful. I honestly deep down believe that this has something to do with her bipolar, I read 90% of marriages that have a bipolar person in them fail, and its because the person with bipolar gives up.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

No one is perfect? Protect yourself if she hits and leave. Don't ever hit, push a woman. That is abusive and wrong on so many levels. Watch her and see what she does without getting into it with her. You can defuse the situation if you refuse to get involved in the anger. Private texting would bother me also. Why don't you join her when she goes out?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You sure are blameshifting a bunch of crap onto her, when you are every bit as messed up as she is. Telling HER to get help, when YOU have an anger problem to the point that you grab, slap and shove your wife?? Pretty damn nervy, in my opinion. Why dont you get yourself some help and let your wife go find a better life for herself?


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## xandrew245x (Sep 2, 2012)

Tomara said:


> No one is perfect? Protect yourself if she hits and leave. Don't ever hit, push a woman. That is abusive and wrong on so many levels. Watch her and see what she does without getting into it with her. You can defuse the situation if you refuse to get involved in the anger. Private texting would bother me also. Why don't you join her when she goes out?


I know hitting and pushing is wrong, and that part of me is leaving, now just for her but for myself. Her being bipolar makes it much worse, most of the time we have fights because of her mood swings. I have learned the best thing to do is just let it go, and not get angry. I am just going to stay out of it and see where it goes, unfortunately it is going to be much harder for her to leave than it is to stay, but I don't want her staying just because of that, I want her to stay because she wants to give us a shot. 

I feel that her friend has something to do with this, and if her friend is doing this, she needs to stop because things are hard enough for her having bipolar already, she doesn't need someone else trying to convince her otherwise. But her friend never liked me, I think she was jealous because she would choose me for her most of the time, she was supposed to be her maid of honor in our wedding and about a month before she texted her and said she wasn't going to be in it, I have never forgave the girl since that happened.

I have gone shopping with her, and some other things, but she doesn't want me going along with her to hand out with the group of friends.


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## xandrew245x (Sep 2, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> You sure are blameshifting a bunch of crap onto her, when you are every bit as messed up as she is. Telling HER to get help, when YOU have an anger problem to the point that you grab, slap and shove your wife?? Pretty damn nervy, in my opinion. Why dont you get yourself some help and let your wife go find a better life for herself?


I have agreed to get help, I have no problem with that. She has gotten violent with me to, over nothing, and she has hit me and slapped me and pushed me around, and I did nothing in return. I am not blaming it on her, I know this was an issue created by both of us.

I have no problem going to get help, I want to be a better person myself.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Make sure she takes her meds, forgetting to take them can shift her brain chemestry and she needs to be stable. What does she do with the friends when she is out? Does she drink? Most meds for bipolar should not be mixed with alcohol.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

xandrew245x said:


> I honestly deep down believe that this has something to do with her bipolar.


Andrew, a recent large scale study found that about half of bipolar sufferers also have strong traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Unlike bipolar, BPD is not caused by body chemistry and thus cannot be treated with medication.

I therefore suggest you read about BPD symptoms to see if most sound very familiar. An easy place to start reading, here on TAM, is my post at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/physical-mental-health-issues/59344-confused.html#post1175425. In that post, I identify 12 differences I observed between the behavior of a BPDer (my exW) and that of a bipolar-1 sufferer (my foster son). If you have any questions, I would be glad to discuss it with you. Take care, Andrew.


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## rivenIN2 (Apr 23, 2013)

I think this sounds like mid life crisis kind of stuff. I know you sound young for this kind of thing but with your wife's other issues it could be.

My own wife started the same way, depression, saying "I don't know what I want just what I don't! " 

Then finally " I love you but I'm not in love with you" mind you we have been together for 28 years and have 2grown kids. She has threatened divorce but even after 5 years if that she is still here, go figure.

I would suggest you read about MLC it can help you approach this from a better place and help you avoid some pitfalls. I can suggest a site but will not post it as it is against forum rules. Pm me if you want to know more.


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## xandrew245x (Sep 2, 2012)

I agree this sounds like somewhat a mid life crisis. We pretty much went right from highschool to college and we were pretty much always together, we came home, bought a house, got married, I know it was stressful on her. None of this happened until she went and hung out with a group of friends that she never did before, next day it was just bam, wants a divorce, I was so confused especially since I thought things were getting better. I don't know if she is cheating on me, she has been so secretive about talking to this boy, she stayed at his house last night because she was to tired and it was late, they wouldn't let her leave. Today she had a thing on her neck that looked like a hickey, but didn't look like one as well. She said her neck was itchy and she was scratching it a lot, that she thinks it was because of the cat there. She didn't try to hide it from me, so I doubt she even knew it was there.

I don't know what is going on, i Just want answers.

I am going to get ahold of that facebook password, I need to know what is going on.


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## Lily_O (Dec 17, 2012)

Do you even see how abusive, controlling and completely toxic your behavior is toward her?!
I would not want you reading my private stuff either as volatile as you have shown yourself to be!
Her best friend doesn't like you be because you are controlling, abusive and have made her bff's life a living hell!!!

I hope she does leave you and I encourage you to let her go, move on and get some serious help for your attitudes that allow you to in anyway blame her for your abusive actions.
She has her own problems, but, imo, they are NOT going to get better while you are in the picture. You are a toxic poison to her soul and if you truly do love her as you say, then do her one favor and get the hell out of her life! Like YESTERDAY!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## xandrew245x (Sep 2, 2012)

Lily_O said:


> Do you even see how abusive, controlling and completely toxic your behavior is toward her?!
> I would not want you reading my private stuff either as volatile as you have shown yourself to be!
> Her best friend doesn't like you be because you are controlling, abusive and have made her bff's life a living hell!!!
> 
> ...


Wow, that was completely uncalled for, you don't even know the situation.

So much has happened since it all began. Here is what I found out so far.

She kissed this guy and spent a night with him and see him multiple times while me and her were still together. She had a hickie on her neck, even though she absolutely denies anymore, I know he gave her one. She finally moved back to her moms after I had seen a conversation between them two, which was very incriminating. She called me shady and made me seem like the worst person in the world because I caught her cheating.

I found out she has lied about very very very many things that happened during our relationship.

I found out right before our wedding she went to her ex boyfriend, confessed her love to him and begged him to come back. She told him she would break off our wedding if he took her back. All while she played to me that she was so happy and excited to get married. Just the other day in an attempt to make herself look like a good wife she said "my ex came to me telling me he loved me, but I told him no because I am loyal to you" This is the same ex that she told all that too, she lied about all of it.

She admitted to being crazy the whole time we were together, and blamed me for never getting her help. Trust me I tried many many times, her mom tried, she wouldn't get help.

Now, since she moved back to her moms, she has showed up multiple times at my house. The first time was the morning after she left, I was trying to get ready for work, she shows up, comes in, all over me, telling me she loves me so much, some how convinces me to have sex with her. She did this a few more times since then. Fourth of july I watched her dog for her, she didn't come get him until 12:00 that night, I wake up to her in bed with me cuddling with me, creepy as can be. Saturday I come down to my house get something, she is there, she runs and hides from me. No big deal, I yelled back to the room that I wasn't there to see her, she then opened the door, told me to come back. I go in there, she throws me against the wall and was all over me, then she goes to the bed, lays down and starts bawling. Then she pulls me on top of her, once again convinces me to have sex, we do it and once were finished she starts bawling again. Then she gets mad at me starts yelling at me. A little time went by, she was packing some things, I picked up her phone and saw some texts between her and this boy, she is already telling him she loves him.

When I confronted her, she denied loving him, telling me she loves me so much, she then starts kissing me again, this time I wasn't letting it happen, I made it clear it wasn't happening that time, she was only doing it to manipulate me. I leave, she leaves.

The next day (yesterday) I texted her and told her I was packing her stuff up and putting it in the garage, if she didn't get it asap I was getting a lawyer involved and legal documents.
I told her I didn't love her anymore, that she has gone to far with this. She never answered me, hours later she shows up, comes in and acts like nothing at all happened. She asks me if I want her to come down and wash the dishes in the sink tomorrow, I told her no obviously. I walk back in, sit down on my computer, she comes over and starts kissing me, I told her to leave me alone, she kept being persistent. I finally told her I wasn't having sex with her. I had made something in the microwave, she went and got it for me, I started eating, and i didn't even get halfway through, she was all over me again, I kept telling her no, she started stripping in front of me, then she finally grabbed my arms and made me stand up. I am obviously still attracted to her, so I couldn't really resist it at this point, we had sex, the whole time she kept saying I love you, just please tell me you love me. I wouldn't' tell her. Afterwards she layed there and held me and kept begging me to tell her I loved her. I told her she needed to stop, that she needed to go home. She kept saying she wasn't leaving until I said it. I finally told her that she had to go home, and she said fine, but I will come down every night and do this until you say you love me.

She came and begged me to have sex with her after she spent half the day with this other boy. 

I talked to friends and family and they finally opened my eyes. Here, I thought I was the problem the whole time in the relationship. She has had control over me the whole time, that is what she wanted, she was mean to me all the time, she never did anything for me, and never appreciated anything. I gave the world to her, and I did everything I could for her, and she used me as a door mat. 

Now she has lost control of me and it is driving her nuts, she is doing anything in her power to keep me, but she doesn't want to be with me.

I know saying all this makes me look pretty high and mighty, I am not. I know I have done wrong too, I have slapped her face, wrong, even though I never hit her hard enough to even leave a red mark, still wrong of me, I handle stress and anger the wrong way and would say things I never meant to say, completely wrong on my part to. I have been working on these things, because they are not really who I am. Ever since she left, I have felt a huge weight rise off my shoulders, I feel free for once, and actually am happy. I mean, I haven't just hung out with my guy friends by myself for a long time, she never really tried to stop me, but I would feel completely guilty if I left her home alone by herself, she never wanted to go anywhere. 

Honestly, when I saw her pull in the driveway last night, I was slightly scared, she has been so off the wall the last couple times I had seen her, I was afraid of what was going to happen. There was a few more things that happened I didn't mention.

She wouldn't say a word to me for days, then out of the blue she would text me and want me to either do something, or would want to see me. She came down to the house to get a few things, I forget what we were talking about, but she got extremely angry, through her bottle of body wash and it exploded all over the place, I had to clean it up. I asked her to come down after I got off work so we could fill out the divorce papers, when I came home I found her asleep on my couch. Once she finally woke up, we started working on it, about half way through she started getting irritated about something. She finally exploded and walked out the door, I went after her and told her we needed to get this done, just be an adult about it. She threw her laptop and phone on the ground, I am surprised it didn't break it. She then started pushing me, and wouldn't stop. All while I never raised a finger at her, and I didn't even raise my voice at her. 

I honestly thought I was going to have trouble letting her go, but really I feel so much better now. She wants to have control over me, but she doesn't want to be with me. She is trying her hardest to keep control.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

xandrew245x said:


> She admitted to being crazy the whole time we were together, and blamed me for never getting her help.


Perhaps she is crazy, Andrew. And perhaps she has bipolar disorder, as you say. But that is not what you're describing. Rather, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., temper tantrums that are triggered in seconds, verbal and physical abuse, rapid flips between loving you and devaluing you, and the strong need to control you -- are some of the classic traits of BPD. I therefore again suggest you follow the link I provided above to see if the BPD traits I describe there sound very familiar.


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## xandrew245x (Sep 2, 2012)

Uptown said:


> Perhaps she is crazy, Andrew. And perhaps she has bipolar disorder, as you say. But that is not what you're describing. Rather, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., temper tantrums that are triggered in seconds, verbal and physical abuse, rapid flips between loving you and devaluing you, and the strong need to control you -- are some of the classic traits of BPD. I therefore again suggest you follow the link I provided above to see if the BPD traits I describe there sound very familiar.


I completely agree with you, and I was really thinking about it, through our whole relationship I often seen multiple sides of her.

I started noticing these symptoms more towards the later half of our relationship, and my friends and family also noticed it too. Her mom said this to me, and also my ex said this to me, and it makes a lot of sense to me now. They said, "when things were good, they were really good. When they were bad, they were ugly" I realize it now, that when she was in personality 2, things were amazing between me and her.

Personality 1. She was mean, hateful, controlling, easily made angry, plain out of control, lazy. Just a person you would not want to be around. She would literally try to cause problems between my family all the time. Most of all, she was a liar.

Personality 2. Very nice, fun to be around, wanted to do things, and would help me around the house, would suggest going to do this, would do just about anything for me. Pretty much an overall great person, very similar to who she was when we started dating. When she was like this, she was best friends with my family, there was never a problem, things were great.

Personality 3. Now, I don't know if this was a personality, and if she only did it to me, or if it was just hormones. She was extremely seductive. She would make it very clear what she wanted from me. She would be dominated and controlling. But she wasn't mean about it. Like I said, I don't know if she acted that way to any other guy when she was like that, but I really don't want to know either.


Is it possible to have one of the alter personalities to take over? I have begged her (not proud of that at all) to stay with me, I told her anything could change, whatever she wanted as long as she gave me the chance, but she is completely set on never giving me a chance again. She won't even entertain a couple group therapies together. The personality she has been showing me most of the time now is personality one. She has been very mean to me every time I have tried to talk, she is making very irrational decisions, honestly does it make much sense to say you love someone so much, but you already have moved on to telling another guy that you love him?

And then a couple of times her demeanor completely changes. She comes to me, needing me, and I am sure at all those time shes would have taken me back, every time we have had sex when she is in those states, it has been exactly like it was when me and her started dating, she would literally do anything I wanted her too, and did a lot of things she usually never did. 

She honestly used to be a personality 2, she used to always be like that, When me and her moved away to Pittsburgh that is when I saw the change to personality 1 slowly start to take over her, until that was all she was.

I am still very much in love with her, and I don't want to give up on her, I can't help but think if she maybe gets straightened out she will be coming back to me.

I told her mom about everything that has been going on the last couple of weeks. I told her I suspected her of possibly having BPD, and I told her how I could try to talk to her in the morning and she would hang up the phone on me in a fit of rage, then that night, she would be down and my house seducing me into sex and begging me to tell her I loved her. I told her that she has threatened to kill herself multiple times,and had just told me that she has been cutting herself throughout our whole relationship. I told her I was very worried about her.

Well her mom apparently didn't take anything I said to seriously because she never mentioned anything to her about BPD, and I really think she should have because her mom is one of the only people she will listen to. Now my ex is really mad at me because I told her mom all those things, I had to tell her mom everything so she could see the extremes that she was swinging from.

I know I have honestly by no means been a good person, we would get into arguments and fight, and she got under my skin so bad that I would just completely lose my cool. There was times I slapped her face, but I had enough control never to hurt her. I know it damaged our trust and hurt her feelings. I know there was a couple times I pushed her out of anger, but never hard enough to make her even fall, and I know that sometimes I grabbed her when she tried to leave, and it would hurt her arm. 

I know I said a lot of things when I got mad that I wish I wouldn't have. I even called her crazy a few times which I absolutely shouldn't have done. I am only human, she was a handful at times to handle, and I didn't handle it maturely like I should have, and I am certainly not proud of it. Since she had said she was leaving, I have been working on my anger issues and I have defiantly been having a lot of success with it. I have also started seeing a therapist.

After I had talked to my parents, my friends, and her friends, I now realize she was actually the one that was abusive. How I acted in return was completely wrong of me too, and I can't blame her for everything, because I am equally responsible. 

I love her, I have loved her since the day I met her, and I probably will always love her, even after everything she has done, I somehow can forgive her for it. The only thing I really want is for her to get better and be happy. I know me and her's relationship would never work unless she could be happy on her own. 

I know her mom and my parents said I should cut off contact with her, but I want to be there for her and support her through all this, I want her to know I care.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I agree with the parents, cut off contact. You both have WAY to many issues to be any good for each other, continued contact will only hold you both back from any self improvement.


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## xandrew245x (Sep 2, 2012)

I think that is good advice. We both have problems we need to get fixed before anything. If we are really meant to be with each other, she will realize that and maybe in the future we can be together.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Wow, soooo much immaturity going on between you both. It's incredibly destructive all around. You both need a long time apart to figure yourselves out and better yourselves before anything remotely healthy could come out of being together.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

xandrew245x said:


> She has threatened to kill herself multiple times,and had just told me that she has been cutting herself throughout our whole relationship.


Andrew, I wish you had known about this at the outset of your thread. Cutting and other forms of self mutilation (e.g., head banging) are STRONGLY associated with having strong BPD traits. A 2004 study found that most people treated for cutting themselves have full-blown BPD. It concluded:Self-mutilating behavior is a symptom seen in both men and women with various psychiatric disorders, but the majority of those who self-mutilate are women with borderline personality disorder. This complex, maladaptive behavior is used by clients as a means of self-preservation and emotion regulation, and is often associated with childhood trauma. _See _Understanding those who se... [J Psychosoc Nurs Ment Health Serv. 2004] - PubMed - NCBI.​


> Well her mom apparently didn't take anything I said to seriously because she never mentioned anything to her about BPD.


If your W has strong BPD traits as you suspect, telling her likely will only make things worse. She almost certainly will simply project the accusation back onto you. Because projection works entirely at the subconscious level, she consciously will truly believe that YOU are the one suffering from BPD. It therefore usually is best to simply suggest that she seek therapy and let the psychologist decide what to tell her (they typically are loath to tell a high functioning BPDer the name of her disorder).


> Personality 3. Now, I don't know if this was a personality, and if she only did it to me, or if it was just hormones. She was extremely seductive.


Andrew, your W may have strong traits of Dissociative Identity Disorder (i.e., what used to be called "Multiple Personality Disorder"). That is very unlikely however. What is far more likely is that you are seeing the black-white thinking that is one of the hallmarks of having strong BPD traits. Because a BPDer has such a fragile, unstable self image, she cannot tolerate experiencing strong mixed feelings, ambiguities, uncertainties, or other grey areas in interpersonal relationships.

The result is that a BPDer will shoehorn everyone into a black or white box so she knows how to deal with them. That is, she will categorize everyone as "all good" or "all bad" -- and, in just a few seconds, she can recategorize someone (from one polar extreme to the other) based solely on a minor comment or infraction. In this way, a BPDer will flip in seconds from "splitting you white" to "splitting you black."

This is why people living with a BPDer often complain that they are living with Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde. It also is common for them to complain that they feel like they are living with a person who has multiple personalities. BPDers, however, do not have multiple personalities. Rather, they have one personality which is somewhat fractured and is unstable and fragile.

If this is what is going on with your W, you will find that while she is "splitting you white" she will be very caring and loving -- and, if she is in a horny mood, she also will be very seductive at that time. Because BPDers have little control over their emotions, they generally experience more intense emotions than other folks. This is one reason that sex with a BPDer usually is far more passionate and uninhibited than it is with a nonBPDer. This does not constitute a separate personality, however.


> Is it possible to have one of the alter personalities to take over?


Yes. But, again, you do not seem to be describing a person with multiple personalities. Rather, your description is consistent with strong BPD traits. Because a BPDer has a fragile, weak sense of who she is, she will tend to mirror the personality of whomever she happens to be around. Usually, this is not done to be manipulative. Rather, it is done so as to fit in and to be accepted or loved. This, then, is why BPDers tend to act very differently around very different groups of people. And, as I noted above, a BPDer will flip back and forth between idealizing you (splitting you white) and devaluing you (splitting you black).

You are capable of spotting the red flags for BPD if you take time to read about them. You will not be capable, however, of determining whether those traits are so severe as to meet 100% of the diagnostic guidelines for having full-blown BPD. Only a professional can make such a determination. I therefore suggest you see a clinical psychologist (not a MC) -- for a visit or two -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with.


> She is completely set on never giving me a chance again. She won't even entertain a couple group therapies together.


If she does have strong BPD traits, it is possible that she has "split you black" permanently. That can happen. Yet, because BPDers are emotionally unstable, it is far more likely that she eventually will return and try to pull you back into the toxic relationship.


> She is making very irrational decisions.


If she has strong BPD traits as you suspect, the "irrational decisions" are to be expected. BPDers (i.e., those having strong traits) typically experienced a childhood trauma that caused their emotional development to be frozen at the level of a four year old. This is why they have little skill at managing their emotions. They never learned, for example, how to do self soothing -- or how to intellectually challenge their intense feelings instead of accepting them as accurately reflecting reality.


> And then a couple of times her demeanor completely changes. She comes to me, needing me, and I am sure at all those time shes would have taken me back, every time we have had sex when she is in those states, it has been exactly like it was when me and her started dating, she would literally do anything I wanted her too, and did a lot of things she usually never did.


That is a good description of what I've been calling "splitting you white." As I mentioned, a BPDer cannot tolerate grey areas or ambiguities. Moreover, although she has mixed feelings like everybody else, she cannot tolerate being in touch with the love and hate at the same time. She solves that problem by putting all opposing feelings out of touch of her conscious mind. 

The result is that she consciously will be in touch with only one set of feelings (adore you or hate you) at a time. Hence, if your W is a BPDer, you are not seeing multiple personalities. Rather, you are seeing ONE personality which is not well integrated and thus cannot tolerate being in touch with conflicting feelings (like the rest of us experience all the time). This is why BPDers behave in such a child-like manner, exhibiting the purity of expression that otherwise is seen only in young children.


> When me and her moved away to Pittsburgh that is when I saw the change to personality 1 slowly start to take over her, until that was all she was.


That is a possibility. Again, however, that does not seem to be what you are describing. If your W is a BPDer, what happened early in your relationship was that she was very infatuated with you. Because that infatuation convinced her that you were the near-perfect man, it held her two fears (abandonment and engulfment) at bay. This is why, during the infatuation period, a high functioning BPDer typically will "split you white" the entire time. Her fears are not around to trigger her strong BPD traits.

When you moved to Pittsburgh, however, the infatuation evaporated. Typically, infatuation will last as long as 6 months (even longer if you are not living together or are in separate cities). As the infatuation evaporated, the two fears returned. This meant that, in Pittsburgh, you started triggering her two great fears. It had nothing to do with Pittsburgh, of course, because it would have started no matter where you lived. 

With a BPDer, it is impossible to avoid triggering the two fears. You are always in a lose-lose situation because the two fears lie at opposite ends of the VERY SAME spectrum. This means that, as you back away from one fear (e.g., engulfment) to avoid triggering it, you necessarily are drawing closer to triggering the other fear (e.g., abandonment). I suggest that you take a look at my description of that process (and other BPD characteristics) in my post at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. That post also contains links to a website (BPDfamily.com) that is targeted solely to helping the abused spouses and other family members of BPDers.


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## xandrew245x (Sep 2, 2012)

This sounds exactly like her. She is accusing me of being completely abusive, even though the most I have done to her is slapped her face and pushed her around a little. She has full blown beat me up on numerous occasions, but I never once called her abusive. Like I said what I did is still wrong, but there is a line between abusive and what I did.

She came here again tonight and completely blew up at me because I wouldn't give her a camera. She was throwing and breaking things, flipping chairs over, slamming doors, she even punched a whole in one of my doors. Her mom had to come, and she wouldn't even listen to her mom. I was on the verge of calling the police over it.

She is getting sent to Florida for a while to live with her grandparents.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

xandrew245x said:


> This sounds exactly like her. She is accusing me of being completely abusive, even though the most I have done to her is slapped her face and pushed her around a little. She has full blown beat me up on numerous occasions, but I never once called her abusive. Like I said what I did is still wrong, but there is a line between abusive and what I did.


You REALLY need to stop trying to downplay your hitting her. Its abuse, whether you care to admit it or not.  Cut off contact with her, let her deal with her own issues, and get yourself some help.


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## xandrew245x (Sep 2, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> You REALLY need to stop trying to downplay your hitting her. Its abuse, whether you care to admit it or not.  Cut off contact with her, let her deal with her own issues, and get yourself some help.



You REALLY need to stop acting like you really know the situation. I never said it wasn't abuse, hitting someone is wrong, even out of anger, it is abuse. The way she is describing it to me and others is that I would come home everyday and just be furious with her and start hitting her and verbally abusing her. I know for 100% fact that it is not true. Yes I have hit her, I slapped her, and that was the hardest I have ever hit her, it didn't even leave a red mark. yes I have verbally abused her, never just because I felt like it, it always happened during really bad arguments. Still, it was wrong of me, but she is making it seem a lot more than it really was.

Maybe you should listen to what uptown is saying, with what she has, she will exaggerate what happened, and try to make it seem like I have the problem. Trust me, for a while I thought I did have a serious problem because she made me believe it. Now that she is out of my life, and friends and family have come forward and told me everything they have seen, it is clear to me that she really screwed up my head.

Oh and also charm, I assume your a women for taking up for her so much. I assume it is just fine and dandy since she is a women, that her hitting, kicking, pushing and verbally abusing me on a regular basis is just fine? All it would take is to do something she didn't approve of and she was 100% angry, and many of those times it let to destructive behavior, either of me, or threatening self harm, or actually hurting herself. Like I said, that must have been all okay since she is a women, and its fine for women to beat on guys, while the guy just sits there and takes it.

On one occasion I had bruises all over my body because she knocked me on the ground and started hitting me and wouldn't stop.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I am well aware of what Uptown has been saying, he is usually spot-on when he joins in on threads. And I agree with what he has been saying about her. She is not here exaggerating what has happened, I am looking at what you have posted from your point of view. YES, I am a woman, and am not defending her at all. Her actions of physically attacking you is every bit as wrong as you hitting her. My concern is that you so casually justify it. You will state that you know its wrong, you need help, etc, but then you turn around in the next breath and justify it. That is the part that concerns me, because I would hate for you to end up repeating the same pattern if you find a good woman in the future.


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## xandrew245x (Sep 2, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> I am well aware of what Uptown has been saying, he is usually spot-on when he joins in on threads. And I agree with what he has been saying about her. She is not here exaggerating what has happened, I am looking at what you have posted from your point of view. YES, I am a woman, and am not defending her at all. Her actions of physically attacking you is every bit as wrong as you hitting her. My concern is that you so casually justify it. You will state that you know its wrong, you need help, etc, but then you turn around in the next breath and justify it. That is the part that concerns me, because I would hate for you to end up repeating the same pattern if you find a good woman in the future.


I would like to first off apologize for attacking you, after what happened last night, my emotions are extremely frazzled. I am already in counseling for my anger, anxiety and depression brought on by all this. I have never before meeting her ever been a violent person, fighting has always been the last on my list. 

The last time I ever slapped her was a month or so before we got married, she told me how much it hurt and upset her, and I vowed to myself to never hit her again like that, and I haven't since then. I don't want to do that to anyone, nobody deserves it.

I am not trying to justify it, nothing can justify it, and I am honestly really ashamed of myself for ever hurting her physically and emotionally.


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## xandrew245x (Sep 2, 2012)

I am having a really hard time moving on from this, I know the times we had sex after she left was a bad move on my part, and I decided to end that the last time we had sex by telling her mom everything that was going on, that way her mom could keep her from seeing me, because honestly I don't think I could stop her on my own.

I obviously really love her, I fell in love with this girl over 3 years ago, and that girl has long vanished for the most part, but I can't help but still feel the same. I really took her for granite, which maybe is why this is so hard on me, or maybe its because the way she left. I never thought she would leave me, or would at least tell me she was thinking about it before doing it. I would have really liked to have known 6 months ago that she was unhappy, and I would have been very willing to change things and work on it, but she never even showed a sign that she was unhappy. 

It also doesn't help at all that she decided to leave me the day after she started seeing this other guy, that just raises all kinds of flag. She pretty much lied about the whole situation so far, so I can't believe her that she is just leaving me because she is unhappy. Like I said, I saw her tell him she loved him, she admitted to kissing him on multiple occasions, she sent him half naked pictures of herself, and they are already having sexual conversations... All of that has just destroyed me inside, I don't even know how to function now. 

Like I said, she is getting sent to florida to stay with her grandparents for atleast a week, I talked to her mom about it, and she said she is making her go to get away from this other guy and to calm down. Her mom really doesn't think that she is making a logical decisions by leaving me, and she really doesn't believe that is what she wants.

I have made up my mind as of last night, that I am done with her, she made the decision to leave, she has moved out of my house, and if she wants to come back I am not letting her as much as I hate it. She has made the decisions, and I know she will regret it soon enough, and try coming back, but she is just going to have to deal with it for the rest of her life.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Yes, Andrew, it is very painful to extricate yourself from a toxic relationship. One article that likely will be helpful is T9 Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - Columbia University, New York. A good book is _Splitting: Protecting Yourself when Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist._ 

Please remember that, as long as a woman is unable to trust herself, she will be unable to trust anyone else for an extended period. This means you can never trust her because she can turn on you at any moment -- and she eventually will.


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## xandrew245x (Sep 2, 2012)

Uptown said:


> Yes, Andrew, it is very painful to extricate yourself from a toxic relationship. One article that likely will be helpful is T9 Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - Columbia University, New York. A good book is _Splitting: Protecting Yourself when Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist._
> 
> Please remember that, as long as a woman is unable to trust herself, she will be unable to trust anyone else for an extended period. This means you can never trust her because she can turn on you at any moment -- and she eventually will.



I believe she cannot trust herself, and she had showed that on multiple occasions.

I read the article you suggest, and honestly, I am guilty for almost every single one of them. I don't really understand why she left, she says she loves me and I love her so I think it will all work out, and I feel that if I give her enough time she will come back and things will just go back to the way they were.

I honestly felt that she would never leave, she seemed to have been so dependent on me, and now that its over, I feel like a lot of it was my fault for not understanding her and helping her before.

I know this problem started long before she started dating me, and exactly as the article stated, I was her knight in shining armor. Once that wore off, she lost interest in me, then a few months later the interest came back, and then after our marriage it started to fade again. Now she met this other boy who is now her "knight in shining armor" she doesn't think our relationship is worth it anymore and that he is just the greatest person in the world.

I have a feeling that the same circle is going to happen with this guy, and she is going to just break his heart like she did mine, I hope she just doesn't do to him as she has done to me.

I am going to just move on with my life, do my best to get over her. I think back to why she came into my life and it was because I was really attracted to her, it felt completely right and we had so much in common and bonded over so many things. However, as our relationship continued, those common interested started to disappear and I am starting to wonder if it was just a shower to lure me in. I stayed with her because I loved her, I knew the way she acted wasn't perfect, and wasn't normal, but I looked past all of that, and I hoped one day she would be better.

I look back now with what I know, and there has been times before she would have left me if another guy would have been there for her.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Other than the advice you are getting from others, here's my 2 cents:

Step One - change the locks on your doors.

She keeps ending up inside of your house....nip that in the bud, permanently.


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## xandrew245x (Sep 2, 2012)

I had changed my locks the day before. After the talk I had with her mother, I was assured she wouldn't ever be there again by herself. The day I changed my locks she asked me if I could help her with something with her computer, I agreed because I didn't see any harm in it, her sister came alone with her, I worked on it for her and she left, nothing out of line said. Well the next day she texted me about the camera, I gave her my answer and she never answered me back. I didn't expect her to show up and it was only like 4pm so I had my doors unlocked and she came storming in, I didn't even have a chance to stop her.

After reading all the info you have gave me uptown I am starting to understand. I really shouldn't take it so hard because really our relationship never had a chance with the state she is in. I am surprised now that it lasted as long as it did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

xandrew245x said:


> I honestly felt that she would never leave, she seemed to have been so dependent on me, and now that its over....


Andrew, I felt exactly the same with my BPDer exW. She had idealized me for years before marrying me. And, like your W, she was so dependent on me that it was simply unimaginable that she would ever want to leave me. It also was unimaginable that she would call the police and have me arrested. Likewise, even after I got out of jail, I could not imagine she was capable of going into court six months later and testifying against me in front of my step children.

What happens is that, as the years go by, a BPDer becomes increasingly fearful of abandonment as she sees her body aging. Moreover, those fears become especially strong when she sees you building stronger personal boundaries -- as I did in the last two years of my marriage. On top of that, the BPDer becomes increasingly resentful each year due to your inability to make her happy or fix her.


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## xandrew245x (Sep 2, 2012)

I had given her everything, a house, love, a person to be there for her whenever she needed it, pretty much everything she ever wanted. I thought she was happy where she was at with life.

I tried to talk to her about it, I have read that a brain scan can detect borderline personality disorder. I asked her if she would just have one done, and I would even pay for it for her, if it comes out that nothing is wrong then I would leave her alone about it. She isn't even interested in doing that.

I did a little reading, and printed out a list of symptoms and asked my mom about them. Just about every single symptom on that list she has, or has had at some time. Even the positive symptoms, Intelligence, creative, witty, and life of the party. She was all of those. I obviously still care about her, and I know that if she doesn't get something sorted out, she probably will not leave me alone once I start to move on with my life. I mean she has already came to my house numerous times and manipulated me using my weaknesses. 

When she came down the other night in a fit of rage I threatened to call the police, and she called them herself. I didn't really want them to show up, because I had the feeling she would somehow get me arrested, or even if that didnt happen, I didn't want to see her get arrested. 

I think exactly like you said, the more time she was with me, the more resentful she became towards me because I she couldn't be happy. She didn't see that the reason she was unhappy because of herself, she blamed it on me. 

I really want to see her get better, not just for herself, but for me. Like I said, I know once I am finally happy and moved on, she is going to try to get me back.

Back to the list of symptoms I asked my mom about, she knew my ex well, there for a while they were spending a lot of time together. My mom agreed that she had almost every symptom of it.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

xandrew245x said:


> I had changed my locks the day before. .... I didn't expect her to show up and it was only like 4pm so I had my doors unlocked and she came storming in, I didn't even have a chance to stop her....


Sorta defeats the purpose of having new locks on your doors. Lock them, every time you enter or exit the house....ALWAYS.


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## xandrew245x (Sep 2, 2012)

I know, I am just not used to having to lock my doors while I am in my house, but it is something I have going to have to do now.

Like I said, if she doesn't get help, the happier and less attached I gut, the more she is going to bother me.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Now that you have her "figured out" somewhat...

Do you have a game plan?

My relationship w/ BPD ex lasted 15 years. It got worse over the last few years, and infidelities started during the last 5 years, which was why I was forced to GTFO. 

A man has to retain some dignity, no?

When it comes to the point where she's splitting you black most of the time, it's time to go.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

xandrew245x said:


> I know, I am just not used to having to lock my doors while I am in my house, but it is something I have going to have to do now.
> 
> Like I said, if she doesn't get help, the happier and less attached I gut, the more she is going to bother me.


She will Hoover you at first, but when she sees that she can't suck you in with her manipulations, she will move on to another victim. It will happen fast.

You play a role in the drama of her life. When you refuse to play that role, she will fire you and hire a new actor.


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## xandrew245x (Sep 2, 2012)

I think through out whole relationship she would often split be between black and white. There would be times where things would be great, there would be an occasional outcry, and fight every now and then, but it just seemed like normal couple fighting.

Defiantly here in the last couple of months she has been splitting be black more than white. We were married in September of 2012, the first few months things seemed great, I actually really enjoyed being married and was really happy with it, and she seemed the same way, we didn't fight all that often, things seemed good.

In January of this year, my grandma passed away. My grandma was very close to all of us, we ate dinner with her at least 3 times a week, she loved to cook for us. When I was younger I would spend just about every day with her. My ex also grew close to her over the 3 years we were together. The day after she passed was the day the whole stair incident happened. 

We were going to the funeral home to help plan the funeral, we thought my parents were just going to pick us up. My ex was literally throwing a temper tantrum about it. When they didn't show up I called and they were already at the funeral home. When she found out they weren't picking us up she completely lost it. All I remember is her walking up the steps screaming at me, and saying how awful my family was so on so fourth.At the time I was on the phone with me mom, so I wasn't saying anything to her, she came up the stairs and knocked my phone out of my hand and shoved me. I completely lost my cool and shoved her back. Now that I think about it, I pushed her back into the wall behind her, then she fell down the stairs. I don't know if I actually caused her to fall down the stairs, or if it was her trying to exaggerate what happened. I immediately ran down the stairs to make sure she was okay, I helped her up, and looked her over. I offered to take her to the hospital but she assured me she was fine. I would never intentionally push her down the stairs, it was a complete accident, and the same thing could have happened to me in that case. I still feel awful about it.

Ever since that day things just went way south with the arguments. Everything I said to her set her off, she would be mean to me, get violent with me at times. She was lying about things and being sneaky about friends. Her excuse for lying and hiding talking to her guy friends was that I would yell at her and make her stop talking to them if I found out. I never had a problem with her being friends with guys, I had a problem with her lying about it, and making me feel that she had something to hide with them. I mean when we lived in pittsburg, she had a couple guy friends. One she was closer to than the others, we had him over to our apartment a few times, she went and hung out with him, I had no problem with it, she came me no reason not to trust her.

About a month after my gram passed is when she was diagnosed with bipolar. After a few weeks of medicine she started to get better, our sex life doubled, we went shopping together and cooked and ate meals together at the dining table for once(before we either ate at my parents or ate sitting in front of the tv) One time I even set the dining room table with some candles, I got her a small glass of wine and I had everything set up. She really seemed to enjoy it. I felt like once again we were just a normal married couple enjoying life. I saw her improve as well, her anger and lashing out was becoming more under control, she seemed to have more energy, and she didn't just sit around so much. However she couldn't stick to her medicine properly, and it showed. 

So now she met another boy while we were still together, she already has his sucked in. I don't think they have had sex yet, from what I read. But I know she sent him teasing pictures, she has kissed him, and she has told him she loves him. She knows exactly how to manipulate nice guys. 

I think that our relationship could have worked if she would stick to her medicine and get further treatment, but I know she will have a hard time doing that.

If I would have known this a long time ago, I don't know if I would have stuck around. I guess my game plan now is first off to try to get her some help. I have talked to her about it, I know she doesn't believe me, but she has agreed to talk to her doctor about it, and possibly get a brain scan. I read that a brain scan can detect it. I told her if it doesn't show up, then I was wrong and I would leave her alone to life her own life.


Like I said before, she has already moved on to her next victim, and I feel really bad for the guy, because I know the kind of hell he is going to be put through. I can almost guarantee down the line they are going to break up and its going to be because "he's abusive" 

Before me there was 3 other guys I know about. Her first one was highschool, he dated her for at least 2 years, it ended I believe during senior year. I know it wasn't long before she met me, because at first she told me she was on birth control, and then later she told me, well no I haven't taken it for about 3 months, I quit taking it when I broke up with him. So it was only about a 3-4 month period in between him and me.

She told me all kinds of stories about how he was physically abusive, treated her awfully, cheated on her, so on so fourth. Well, after I started finding this **** out, I decided to just talk to him and see what was up. Well his side of the story his, he never abused her, he was nothing but good to her and she actually during their relationship became infatuated with two other guys, kissed them and so on. She then broke up with him to date the one boy, which only lasted a week or two. Then she dated another boy(this is the ex that she ran to before our wedding and begged for him back) They only dated 2 weeks and he broke up with her. I had also talked to him about everything, he knew she wasn't right that is why he left her, and wouldn't take her back.

So in between me and her ltr, she had 2 boyfriends, maybe even more, and this was only a few months. Now that she left me, she is telling me I was so abusive physically and emotionally. Don't get me wrong, I did things I shouldn't have, but I could never hit her with a fist, or kick her, or anything like that. I am just starting to see the repeating cycle. She is either going to get tired of this guy quick and leave, or she is going to play him out just like she did to me. She had me so convinced she wanted me and that she would never leave me, and never wanted me to leave, and then she blind sides me with all this.

she has moved on to another victim but she is still trying to manipulate me.

If I had found out she was having sex with other guys, things would have been way uglier between me and her. She wouldn't have been the one leaving, I would have been. I don't belive she had sex with him yet, because I read some of their text messages, and he was asking her for it, and she told him no, so I don't really know, and I really don't want to know.


That was a really long post to a simple question lol.


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## xandrew245x (Sep 2, 2012)

I would also like to say, I wish I had known about BPD before because there are the symptoms she showed and is still showing.

-No control over emotions

-Frequently changing opinions or plans, poor follow through(she would start all kinds of projects and never come close to finishing)

-Throwing temper tantrums(that happened A LOT), arguing over insignificant events(also happened a lot), fits of rage for no clear reason.

-Fear of loneliness but at the same time pushing people away, or keeping them away(There was times she craved attention and friends, and then she would push all those people away, including me, she became very close to my mother after we moved home, they were doing things together every weekend, and then one weekend she decided to stop, and they never did anything together again)

-Fear of abandonment, clingy and hyper controlling(This one wasn't to present, she is naturally a very independent person, but there was times she would cling to me so badly it was annoying, she also made it clear in a very indirect way that she didn't like being left home alone by herself, so I never went out with friends without her, as for fear of abandonment, she would ask me often to promise her that I would never leave her)

-Expressing suicidal ideations, gestures, behaviors or occurrences of self mutilation. (This one is huge, when we would fight she would take a knife and lock herself in a room, I had to break locks to stop her. She has threatened suicide in the past, and lately she has threatened it a lot. She said she has been cutting herself for a long time, and when she threw her big fit the other day, she cut her leg with a knife, she begged me not to tell her mother, I haven't yet, but I am going to once she leaves for florida, she probably won't believe me though)
-Tendency towards narcissism.(She seemed to care a lot about herself, and only herself at times, and I think that is why I consider her a very selfish person before I found all this out)

-Tendency to turn facts around.(This is another huge one, there is things that happened between us, or even just happened in general, and I know what the truth was, and she would completely change the story, if I confronted her about it she fought me tooth and nail that she was right, so I never tried to hard)

-Has a difficult time having or showing empathy towards others.(I am not sure about this one. At times she seemed to really care about others, but it could have been an act. I know for a fact she doesn't care about how I feel in this whole situations, if she did a lot of what is happening wouldn't be. She has almost not shown very much concern for me in the past if something bad happened to me. I mean when my gram died, the very next day she was having a major argument with me, I couldn't belive she would do that.)

She shows a lot of the positive symptoms of it was well.

-Highly creative(She is a great artist, and she has come up with a lot of great ideas)

Quick wit and often considered the life of the party.(This was defiantly her, witty is defiantly a word that would easily describe her. When there was a group of friends or a gathering, she was always very outgoing and loved to have fun. people have even used the term "she is the life of the party" This one hits the nail right on the head with her.) 

-Often talented and particular intelligent.(Like I said, she was a great artist, she was also good at many different things including pool, bowling, singing, crafts, many other things. She picked up on things quickly. She was very smart, she graduated highschool with a 3.7 GPA)


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## r0r0bin (Jul 13, 2013)

Be a man, leave her/kick her.


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## xandrew245x (Sep 2, 2012)

r0r0bin said:


> Be a man, leave her/kick her.


If only it were that easy.


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## xandrew245x (Sep 2, 2012)

Uptown, I really appreciate you bringing this to my attention. I have done a lot of research into it, and I have looked back at our entire relationship and the symptoms have been there from the start.

I have joined another forum that specializes in BPD, and I told them my story and they agree that she is showing signs of it. It has become very apparent to me how serious of an effect this has had on me, and the pain I am feeling is normal.


Like I said, I really appreciate your help, it has really opened my eyes, I now have had a lot of the unanswered questions to why the relationship ended the way it did answered. I have started counseling, and I have cut off communication with her. She has already tried to contact me a couple times since cutting of contact. 

This is going to be a long and journey to get better.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Andrew, I'm glad to hear you found the BPD information helpful. I believe you are going to be surprised, now that you have ended the toxic relationship, how rapidly the "Old Andrew" will reappear. Right now, however, it is normal to feel like you've lost yourself and are only a shell of what you used to be. 

As to the "other forum," I assume you're referring to BPDfamily. It's the largest and most active BPD forum that is targeted solely to helping the abused spouses and other family members. Finally, I am very glad to hear you are seeing a counselor to work on your "excessive caregiver" traits. It is important to learn how to take care of your own needs too.


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## xandrew245x (Sep 2, 2012)

Yeah, that is the forum I am looking at. They have helped me a lot. My counseling went pretty well, my counselor believe my ex is showing a lot of traits of BDP, and that she has really mentally abused me. I am an over caring person, I know that, but I am going to set boundaries and not give in so easily on things, I need to do things that keep me happy as well.


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