# Anyone a Codependent? (a thread for the BS)



## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

Some of you know my story: XH cheated on me with prostitutes, sex forums, massage parlors, etc. Hid it from everyone, I exposed him, he was humiliated, begged for a second shot, I gave it to him, he screwed up 3 times (not by cheating, but by breaking my rules not to go to certain places, see certain people, etc.), I took him back each time. 

This is the last one: we had planned a "reconciliation" trip across the county. Few days ago, he "fractured" a promise to me (promised me NO drinking, he went out and got drunk), I got mad, he cancelled his flight and rebooked it (the ticket that I paid for) to go to visit one of the friends I forbade him from ever seeing again (who took him to massage parlours and also cheats on his wife). So now I am going to a major city alone and he is going to see his lying, cheating, sex addicted friend. 

I have come to realize I am codependent. I keep allowing him to stomp on my toes, and he knows I will take him back. This time, I will not. I am done forever. He is unfixable, and it is not my job to fix him. 

I am trying to find the root of my codependency. Why am I like this? What causes people to give up so much of their own life it becomes unmanageable, so that others can take advantage of it? And why do we let them take advantage of it over and over again? I have read all of the Melody Beattie books (Codependency No More, etc.), which are excellent. Are there any codependents out there that have figured out what made them this way? Were there elements in your formative years that prompted you to always want to help people and put yourself last??


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Religious beliefs instilled from birth.

I exaggerate: Mother would crucify herself for whatever reason she deemed important.

Mother told me to just take it.(In so many words)

Watched as my father just ignored and accepted things.

I was always encouraged to help others.

Mom controlled the money but was, while I was in my formative years, a SAHM and I never saw my dad buy anything for himself just for fun. He had no hobbies. They didn't go out much that I remember. I don't remember ever having a babysitter. 

It's a story in my family that she asked my dad where the money went. He asked what she was talking about, then realized she was talking about 10 or 15 cents he spent on a pack of gum! What does that tell you?

These are just a few.

Seemed I was always sacrificing myself for other's happiness. I don't remember doing much for myself. I mean just for me; my pleasure, enjoyment, happiness, success(especially). It was always for other's.

I therefore would sometimes want to act out by drinking too much or doing something personally destructive to me. Not so much physically destructive; as in hurting myself. Things were more destructive to my reputation or mental health and long-term physical health. This would have the added benefit of getting the attention I so craved and seemed to always lack in any consistency.

Probably why I give up so easily. I don't see the consistency of benefits from my efforts. Therefore: Depression, Anxiety, Guilt, Low Self-Esteem, Anger, Bitterness, Difficulty in Forgiving and on and on.........


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## SecretTears (Jul 18, 2010)

I haven't figured all of mine out yet but:
1. An absent father
2. A mother who was/is mentally unstable/NPD

I have an intense fear of rejection and abandonment stemming from my childhood and that is also what led me to be co-dependent with my exH


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## mainsqueeze (Apr 10, 2013)

I have mommy issues. She left when I was 13 and said she didn't want to be a mother any more. That's why I do more that I should to make things work( or not work as the case may be). 

My moms actually pretty crazy, she sued my little brother and testified against my sister in my sisters custody thing. I guess blood is only thicker than water when it's convenient for her. I haven't talked to her in years.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Yeah...I have been a codependent to a sex addict wife. I grew up in an alcoholic family...and I typically played the cheerleader role. Mom very religious...and father extremely selfish where we all orbited around his moods. I was raised into a false identity.

I had no understanding of manhood...yet met a captivating girl in church and we were married really young...even in spite of warning signs that she was pretty wily and damaged. It worked great because she was rebellious and wanted to do anything she wanted (spend money, overeat, burn through relationships and degree programs...) and I had no ability to set boundaries...and getting hazy on my own passions because I was tending to her emergencies all of the time. But I took it all like silly putty...absorbing it, working harder, trying harder. Now she barely has any respect for me, not sexually attracted to me...feels it all hopeless even though we have overcome some big hurdles. But now that she finally wants to fix things and face her past hurts, she now associates me with the old life she wants to abandon. 15 years...dust in the wind.


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

I lost my father at very young age. My mother is very intelligent but very passive lady. She won't interact much with anyone. We, kids, especially I started becoming like her. She never enjoyed her life and that forced us to feel guilty of enjoying the life and we, siblings almost become "service provider" to all our spouse. We came from military background, that added some of the military flavor to our day-to-day life.

In-short, we all siblings and especially I started playing the role of a problem solver but never had any means to enjoy my own life !!!

so here I'm a pure co-dependent !!!


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

Hmmm.. I can't say any of these things relate to me. My parents are both still happily married, no abuse, no neglect, brother is successful and married with child, we (thankfully) never had to struggle for money, we were both educated... 

I did often feel like I was in the shadow of my older brother though. He was always getting straight As and went to the #1 university in the nation (yes, Harvard), got a full ride to graduate school... I also went to a prestiguous university but didn't get straight As... For awhile I felt like my father always spoke about my brother and not me because they are in the same profession. I am the only one in my family who strayed outside of that profession.. I wonder if that had anything to do with it. 

I am a chronic codependent. I consistenly put myself in these situations were I end up getting severely hurt. I'm just trying to figure out what the root of the problem is so I can address it...


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

This thread has got me thinking - is my WAW actually trying to escape her co-dependency in leaving me? She had a neglectful/abusive childhood with her mother pretty much checking out of motherhood when my STBXW was 11 or 12 and blaming her kids for wrecking her life. My STBXW seems to be repeating the pattern. But she also accuses me of being controlling and it is clear that even though she is desperate to get out of the marriage ASAP (she is divorcing me) and even though she has rejected me in no uncertain terms - my opinion of her still matters to her. It's weird.

On my side I am/was a classic Nice Guy. In classic Nice Guy style I was attracted to her because she was damaged and I wanted to fix her. 

So adding it all up, I just wondered whether she is trying to break away from her dependency on my opinion of her - or whether she is just repeating the pattern of abuse that she experienced as a child.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

I'm a walking book for co-dependency.

Don't know if it started with my mother walking out on my brothers and I. 

Dated women with serious issues.. one assaulted me, one was verbally abusive, and then my cold and mean stbxw.

I suffered from ADHD as a kid, depression on and off for years and never really ever got my head on straight.


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## Tryingveryhard (Apr 2, 2013)

Recently figured out that I am. Also quickly understanding that the W has a lot of narcissistic tendencies with a touch of BPD and a side of HPD as well. I know mine comes from my dad walking out when I was a kid combined with learning how to people please and caretake, along with being a perfectionist. Just joined a CODA group, and it was like finding my tribe. Going to get through it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

I'm a recovering codependent, will be for a while. Figured a lot of it out but still working on it. If you have time to read a novel, start at the beginning on my personal thread.


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## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

I probably am. Never realized though until now. I was constantly hanging on for dear life while my STBXW changed her mind every couple of days about everything. But I just wanted to make her happy (another classic Nice Guy syndrome) so I tried to give her the space she needed to try new things. I don't think this woman will ever choose to be truly happy.. 

The counseller says I might have mommy issues. I was given up for adoption at 3, adopted at 6, and then my adoptive parents got divorced when I was 13. She blamed me and my brother for all sorts of things so we stayed with dad. But through both my marriages I seemed to be the touchy feely one, who needed physical contact a lot more than the W did. It could be because I never really got that from a mother figure in my life. Who knew.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

I am not a BS but have a WAW.

My CD tendencies were actually pretty easy to trace back for me, long term childhood abuse and an intense fear of abandonment.

I am glad it was that easy to say yeah look there is where it started going wrong as putting it right is hard enough even knowing that.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Voltaire said:


> whether she is just repeating the pattern of abuse that she experienced as a child.


Abuse victims grow up and - unless they put a stop to it - abuse others.

That's why I admire people like KC for owning it and working on it.

Your wife is so far in the weeds, the gators have her.

She is escaping nothing. She's just making her problems 10x bigger.


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Abuse victims grow up and - unless they put a stop to it - abuse others.
> 
> That's why I admire people like KC for owning it and working on it.
> 
> ...


Agreed, KC's wife is gone. Some people simply never recover from codependency and they let it eat them alive. I am proud of myself for recognizing it and trying to fix it, but it certainly is a long process. I have had this problem for years and it drove me to my XH, who took advantage of it and screwed me in the end (actually he screwed other people). 

My XH is NOT a codependent, he is quite the opposite. He only does things for HIMSELF. He is all about HIMSELF. I suppose codependents might be attracted to people who take advantage of the codependent characteristics. It feeds thier codependency.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Love2326 said:


> Agreed, KC's wife is gone. Some people simply never recover from codependency and they let it eat them alive. I am proud of myself for recognizing it and trying to fix it, but it certainly is a long process. I have had this problem for years and it drove me to my XH, who took advantage of it and screwed me in the end (actually he screwed other people).
> 
> My XH is NOT a codependent, he is quite the opposite. He only does things for HIMSELF. He is all about HIMSELF. I suppose codependents might be attracted to people who take advantage of the codependent characteristics. It feeds thier codependency.


Sadly, codependents often end up with sociopaths.

Givers pair off with takers.


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## whataboutthis? (Apr 5, 2013)

Hi there. I always wondered why my life was so difficult. My first H was unfaithful (several times over). My second husband emotionally abused my kids and I and I recently found out he's been unfaithful our entire marriage (granted I have no idea to what degree). I starting seeing a counselor and she told me I was codependent. At first I was offended. I am independent. I am educated. How can I be codependent. Then I researched it and I now know exactly what makes me that way.

I compromise my boundaries. When someone pushes my boundaries instead of standing firm, I readjust my boundaries. This causes problems. When someone constantly makes you readjust your boundaries you become bitter and detached. You know your boundaries if something someone does causes you hurt. That's a boundary. Stand up and stop the hurt immediately. Even if it means leaving. 

Had I stood firm on my boundaries I would not have reconciled with my first H. I would have stopped the emotional abuse of second H it it's tracks. The good news is I've finally got the message and stood my ground. I left my H because of the infidelity. He has yet to come clean with everything. My boundaries are come clean or I'm seeking a divorce. He's not coming clean and I'm seeking a divorce. 

Best of luck and stick to your boundaries.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Whataboutthis?

How old are you?


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## whataboutthis? (Apr 5, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Whataboutthis?
> 
> How old are you?


Early 40's.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

whataboutthis? said:


> Early 40's.


People are sent to teach us.

It's best we learn from them before we let them go.

If we don't the problem gets bigger the second time.

That's how it worked for me too.


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## whataboutthis? (Apr 5, 2013)

Conrad said:


> People are sent to teach us.
> 
> It's best we learn from them before we let them go.
> 
> ...


That's a really great perspective. I didn't learn the first time. I considered myself a victim. What I didn't realize is that I allowed myself to be victimized because I didn't stand my ground. It was an eye-opening realization!


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

whataboutthis? said:


> Hi there. I always wondered why my life was so difficult. My first H was unfaithful (several times over). My second husband emotionally abused my kids and I and I recently found out he's been unfaithful our entire marriage (granted I have no idea to what degree). I starting seeing a counselor and she told me I was codependent. At first I was offended. I am independent. I am educated. How can I be codependent. Then I researched it and I now know exactly what makes me that way.
> 
> *I compromise my boundaries. When someone pushes my boundaries instead of standing firm, I readjust my boundaries. This causes problems. When someone constantly makes you readjust your boundaries you become bitter and detached. You know your boundaries if something someone does causes you hurt. That's a boundary. Stand up and stop the hurt immediately. Even if it means leaving. *
> 
> ...


For me both my parents were alcoholics and I was rejected by my mother...she never wanted me...so abandonment issues...big time...only child..no one else to turn to. 

I think I married a (sociopath) not sure but he was indeed ...passive aggressive/narcissistic. I might have became co-dependent long ago ?? I'm not sure ...but I 'know' I did in this last marriage... That co-dependantcy no more book helped me a lot. I realized a lot of mine stemmed from being put down and walked out on...the abandonment thing.. fear. The feeling that no one else would want me...that I was damaged goods and was only going to be good enough for the current abuser...etc...that type of thing was some of it. I couldn't live without him...'had' to fix him...make it work...control things...took the blame all the time...was always sorry...went through it all... it was like the worse he verbally and emotionally abused me the worse I got if that makes sense...weird huh? 

He saved me by walking away for good...I saved myself by not chasing him the last time he walked...


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

As dumb as it sounds, I am still not entirely clear what co-dependency is - although of course I understand the major symptoms from reading threads like this. I certainly suffered from "Nice Guy" syndrome and people pleasing and I suspect I may have some co-dependent tendencies.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

whataboutthis? said:


> That's a really great perspective. I didn't learn the first time. I considered myself a victim. What I didn't realize is that I allowed myself to be victimized because I didn't stand my ground. It was an eye-opening realization!


 

You looked into the drama triangle. Was an eye opener for me. Damn but we do like the seat in the victim corner. It's warm and comfy. Takes effort to stay out of it for me.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Recovering codependent here. 

I was a middle child in a large family. Struggled to find my place in the family. Too small for the big table and too big for the kid table type of situation. 

I am also the runt. Six older brothers, all towering over me (my younger brothers now do to). Was often referred to as "runt" or "little Z", even up through high school. 

My father was rarely around. Always working really hard to provide for his large family. Which is commendable, but by the time I came around he didn't have much time for the kids. I don't have many of those father-son bonding stories that my oldest brothers are always sharing. 

My mother is a religious fanatic. Extremely judgmental. Many of my older brothers were f-ups for a while and I was her precious one. So I was always held to a higher standard than my siblings. Reprimanded for a B+ while my brothers were praised for passing a class - on the same day. She was always either in religious nazi mode or having some spiritual crises or another and needing comfort (she is very codependent too). I was often that shoulder to cry on. 

Needless to say I was always trying to please, do more, be better, and developed an insatiable hunger for praise. 

My oldest sister who was largely responsible for raising me, while my mother saw to the household, is an abuse victim with identity and mood disorder. I learned early on how to deal with her - walk on egg shells. 

When I found that my religious views differed from those of the family - I taught myself to hide it. Pretend. Go with the flow. But it ate me up until finally I stopped participating. I received an ultimatum - do it or move out. 

I left home at 17, finished up high school on my own. Then I ran. Moved away from them all and put myself through college. 

Is it any wonder that my exW is a perfect combination of my sister and my mother?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

zillard said:


> Is it any wonder that my exW is a perfect combination of my sister and my mother?


We marry our parents.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Conrad said:


> We marry our parents.


We really do. And as I work on my recovery I see the dynamic of my relationships with my mother, sister, and X changing... as if in unison. 

I no longer get into heated religious discussions with my mother. I simply tell her to stop (respectfully) when it starts crossing the line from opinion into judgment. And she apologizes later. 

I am no longer worried about disagreeing with my sister when she's being irrational and playing the victim card, looking for sympathy in whatever new drama she's created. I tell her exactly how I see it. And she thanks me later.

The mobile. 

The outer pieces adjust to the movements of the centerpiece.


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## PM720 (Oct 10, 2012)

I know I am a co dependent, but honestly don't know why. I had good parents. No drug or alcohol issues. I just had this irrational fear of being alone. Maybe because there were people in my family that never got married. I guess I was always scared that I would end up that same way.

So I always had a GF, would never leave my GF until I had someone in the background. When I met my EX, it was right as I was graduating college. So I had this fear that if we broke up that I would definitely be alone because how would I ever meet a girl if I was out of school. Reading that last sentence now at 31 years old seems so ridiculous. You would think I was 70 years old. 

So because of this fear I took way too much $h!t. I allowed myself to be walked on. I set no boundaries and in the end, I got divorced anyway. I can tell you as I start to become clear and see the mistakes I made, I am beginning to gain some more strength. I think the thing to remember is that we are in charge of our own happiness. No one is responsible for that. And I would rather be alone, then be verbally, physically, or emotionally abused. Being alone doesn't mean you're lonely


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## whataboutthis? (Apr 5, 2013)

Voltaire said:


> As dumb as it sounds, I am still not entirely clear what co-dependency is - although of course I understand the major symptoms from reading threads like this. I certainly suffered from "Nice Guy" syndrome and people pleasing and I suspect I may have some co-dependent tendencies.


Voltaire, that's exactly why I adjusted my boundaries...because I was too nice...too concerned about everyone but myself. But I had to learn that I have to do what's best for me first, so long as I am responsible and fair in the decisions I make.


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## whataboutthis? (Apr 5, 2013)

Stella Moon said:


> For me both my parents were alcoholics and I was rejected by my mother...she never wanted me...so abandonment issues...big time...only child..no one else to turn to.
> 
> I think I married a (sociopath) not sure but he was indeed ...passive aggressive/narcissistic. I might have became co-dependent long ago ?? I'm not sure ...but I 'know' I did in this last marriage... That co-dependantcy no more book helped me a lot. I realized a lot of mine stemmed from being put down and walked out on...the abandonment thing.. fear. The feeling that no one else would want me...that I was damaged goods and was only going to be good enough for the current abuser...etc...that type of thing was some of it. I couldn't live without him...'had' to fix him...make it work...control things...took the blame all the time...was always sorry...went through it all... it was like the worse he verbally and emotionally abused me the worse I got if that makes sense...weird huh?
> 
> He saved me by walking away for good...I saved myself by not chasing him the last time he walked...


Stella, I'm glad you got out of that and I'm sorry to hear about your childhood. Be careful to recognize those characteristics in others. The goal is to end up with someone who gives more than he or she expects to receive. There are givers and takers in the world. Some takers take physically. Some take emotionally. But givers freely give and ask nothing in return. The reason co-dependents end up with takers is because the taker is looking for a giver. We are givers. We must find someone like ourselves.


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## twowheeltravel (Feb 4, 2012)

I think that co dependent behavior is based on low self esteem. We put others feelings above our own. We unwittingly designate ourselves as the caretakers of other people. We are nurturing, empathetic, and very compassionate. We would never do to others what we allow them to do to us. We think that means that we are a good person. Our love for others is out of balance. We are afraid to feel the pain from the results of others bad decisions It's as if the are an extension of our own body. When they are in pain or suffering we feel it. We would rather suffer in a bad relationship, betray our dignity and self respect than live in a world without that person. 

I snapped out of his cycle with my manipulative conniving wife who come to find out had many ea over the years. After complaining about it over the years to my sister she flat out told me that I was acting like an abused housewife who keeps letting her husband back in the house hoping he change only to show up in public with yet another black eye. 

That comment made me realize I was thinking like a victim who had no choice over my happiness. I finally gave the wife an ultimatum and kicked her out of the house. She lived with a friend for a couple months and then lived in a homeless shelter till she got public housing. That was difficult to let her go through. I wanted to rescue her. I did not want to see her suffer. I felt like I was refusing to put my hand out to rescue a drowning child. I felt like I was doing something that was against my conscience and betraying my inner being. Bizzare huh! Since then I've wised up, detached emotionally, let her feel the consequences of her own bad decisions and I feel like I'm getting my self esteem and self respect back. Our divorce will be final in a couple weeks.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Love that post twowheeltravel.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

twowheeltravel said:


> I think that co dependent behavior is based on low self esteem. We put others feelings above our own. We unwittingly designate ourselves as the caretakers of other people. We are nurturing, empathetic, and very compassionate. We would never do to others what we allow them to do to us. We think that means that we are a good person. Our love for others is out of balance. We are afraid to feel the pain from the results of others bad decisions It's as if the are an extension of our own body. When they are in pain or suffering we feel it. We would rather suffer in a bad relationship, betray our dignity and self respect than live in a world without that person.


I think that's right. Until recently I didn't value myself at all. I didn't think that the opportunity to be with me was something that many people would want, and I didn't think that my love and attention was worth much. In many ways that is why I didn't give my STBXW more love and attention during the marriage. She wasn't particularly receptive to it - she wanted someone to come along, break down her barriers and cloak her in love and attention. But because I didn't think that my love was worth that much when I hit the first bit of resistance I just gave up. I thought that I was hitting resistance BECAUSE my love was not of any value, rather than because she was emotionally retarded and found it very difficult to accept love. I just gave up and went away.

Ironically, though, it was only just as she got into full WAW mode and didn't want my love any more that I began to realise that it was, in fact, very valuable. I had been working on myself for a couple of years. 

That all begs the question of whether I ever should have been with someone who couldn't/wouldn't simply accept my love and return it. A classic "Nice Guy" fixer-upper. But that's probably a topic for another thread.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

I figured mine out after starting to read the first book on codependency. With the help of counseling, I realized through the controlling nature of my mother and the strong beta characteristics of my father, I have pretty much become my father and allowed others to control me. Add the fact that my father was very standoffish when it came to showing emotion, partly due to the fact he didn't have his father in his life growing up. 
I now realize I have missed the affection from my father, so I have the overwhelming feeling of need. My mother has repeatedly told me they were hoping to have a little girl, but I arrived instead. Compound that with the fact they named me a unisex name...those things helped make me feel unloved as a child. 
I was smothering my STBXW, while she pushed me away due to her own childhood trauma. These patterns carry from generation to generation until someone wakes up to that madness of it all. I am not going to let this continue on to the next generation, as I am fixing my issues now. I am the only one in my family that is self aware of the problem. My other siblings are happy in their disfunction. Not me...I have faced mine head on and working on breaking my codependency habits forever.


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

IndyTMI said:


> Not me...I have faced mine head on and working on breaking my codependency habits forever.


So my question is what are you doing to break the codependency habit??


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

In theory its a easy as pie.

You examine your actions and reactions. What your motivations are. Kick any and all #2's into touch.

In practice that is damn hard work!

Do things for you. Do things for others so long as they don't constitute a #2. This is the hard bit I feel as it involves enforcing boundaries and let's face it, we don't tend to be too hot with that in our CD state.

The spefics of what to do depend on who you are. It's more an art than a science.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

John2012 said:


> So my question is what are you doing to break the codependency habit??


Being self aware of it and forcing myself not to do it any longer. Just as an example...My STBXW wanted me to find a spare wheel and get it for my 25 year old step son. Normally, I would have jumped on it and got it done, but instead, I emailed him and gave him the info he needed and told him to take care of it himself. I told him about her asking/telling me to do it and told him he needs to do this and prove to her that it is something he can do on his own without my help.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

John2012 said:


> So my question is what are you doing to break the codependency habit??


First you start by saying NO to people.


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