# Recently engaged.....



## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

I got engaged on Christmas Eve. Lately I have been thinking of some big issues and don’t know how to answer them. 

Due to his religion we both need to get our marriages annulled yet he hasn’t been in any big hurry to compete the paper work. This process will more likely take a year for the church to grant once the paper work is submitted.

His home is on his family farm. He wants me to sell my place and move in with him. I own a duplex with my father so my Dad would have to find a new place to live at 78 years old and it’s not been that long since Mom died. I don’t want to hurt him yet I have to live my life.

I was thinking, I move in with him, I will have nothing because everything belongs to the farm and his family and premarital property. He said I would have a place to live as long as I was alive but no, nothing would ever be mine and his.

My head is swimming and I can’t seem to put two and two together because it keeps coming out zero. Am I just over thinking things? Should I just jump in and not worry? I will be 55 in a couple of months and have lost a lot in my last marriage. I don’t want to make a big mistake.

Any thoughts would be very helpful. Maybe I am missing something.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

Your gut is telling you something is very wrong here.

Please do not do that to your father....nor to yourself.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

If you have a year to wait on the church 
I would suggest not doing anything until then.
Also do not sell all of your property because then
you become solely dependent upon him and his family.
Leave yourself some independence just in case.
You can live your life with out selling everything.
Just rent the duplex out.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

sa58 said:


> If you have a year to wait on the church
> 
> I would suggest not doing anything until then.
> 
> ...




My father doesn’t want to rent my side out. It’s not rental property as we both have put a lot of money into it. So renting could be costly of a renter ended up bad.

He wants me to move in this summer but I am leaning toward not doing anything until annulment is final. 

Is there a way to make things equitable if I live on the farm?


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Engagements can last as long as you wish... be patient, what would it hurt to wait?

It sounds as you have plenty of time to vet your feelings on this... especially with the religious requirements.

Would it make sense to rent your side of the duplex if you made a choice to move?

Will you be sharing your money while you have nothing secure in return?

If it feels wrong, listen...


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

sa58 said:


> Just rent the duplex out.


This was my thought too.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Tomara said:


> My father doesn’t want to rent my side out. It’s not rental property as we both have put a lot of money into it. So renting could be costly of a renter ended up bad.
> 
> He wants me to move in this summer but I am leaning toward not doing anything until annulment is final.
> 
> ...


Let the final annulment open the next door...


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

What I would do first is talk to a lawyer about putting a prenup together. Before marriage, hubby said that he would never take me to the cleaners if things went south. When things went south, he tried to make me pay through the nose. Had we not had a prenup, I'd have lost my house (yes MY house; I built it and H's name was never on the deed or mortgage). So, my words of wisdom would include getting a prenup.

Don't sell your home both for your sake and the sake of your Dad. It's not right asking him to up and move at 78, and if at all possible, see about renting your half. Also, if it's a duplex, you CAN sell your half without it impacting your Dad. He would just have a new neighbour. I would advise against selling though, and renting it for added income and just in case things go south, you'll have another place to go to.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

My father has stated he doesn’t want to rent my side out. I could leave it empty I guess. In my city you can’t sell half of a duplex.

Would there be anything wrong to ask that my fiancé be prepared to pay into an account that would be jointly owned so there would be money if something happened? He doesn’t owe money, totally debt free. Bet that would make him freak!


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Sounds like a loose loose situation to me.

A stacked deck.

Why get married? Just keep dating.

He has nothing to loose, hes insulated so to speak.

Maybe a prenup. Something to peotect you both.


Second marriages have a higher divorce rate than first marriages.

Think long and hard !


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

I don’t have to marry him, I want to be married to him, I love him dearly. But at this point it would be a detriment.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

I've seen this family thing before. A friend of our ended up divorced and she received nothing. His family had the property tied up. On paper he owned nothing.

Keep your assets separate if you do this.

I wouldn't make a step until his annulment was final.

Use your head here not your heart


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

You guys seem pretty far along in life and expenses will be minimal. Your new H doesn't owe anything on his farm, so it doesn't sound like he needs much contribution from you. 

Why do you need to sell the duplex? 

My suggestion would be to keep it and work on paying down that mortgage; if you still owe on it. Let your dad pay you a little rent. Rent out the empty portion or not. If you own the duplex that should be up to you, not your dad. 

And when your dad passes, rent it out and it will be another asset and source of revenue for you during your retirement.

When you and your new H get further along and the M is on good footing and working for all concerned, you can sell it.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Engagements can last as long as you wish... be patient, what would it hurt to wait?
> 
> 
> 
> ...




@EB
I won’t share the equity of the duplex if this is how things play out.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

I am just going to sit back and watch how things play out. I know what I want and I can’t settle for much less.

I owe myself a good solid relationship and time will tell if I have found the right man. I do know that we have really good things going for us and everyone has problems. We will work out an agreeable solution or I will have to consider accepting what he has to give. Or, I will know in my heart and head will tell me to let go. God know that isn’t something I want to do, as we have had a good relationship for the last two and a half years.

Stubborn cuss I certainly am! To much has changed in the last year, need to just back off as I tend to let emotion drive when it should be in the back seat.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Tomara said:


> I got engaged on Christmas Eve. Lately I have been thinking of some big issues and don’t know how to answer them.
> 
> *Due to his religion we both need to get our marriages annulled yet he hasn’t been in any big hurry to compete the paper work.* This process will more likely take a year for the church to grant once the paper work is submitted.
> 
> ...





Tomara said:


> My father doesn’t want to rent my side out. It’s not rental property as we both have put a lot of money into it. So renting could be costly of a renter ended up bad.
> 
> *He wants me to move in this summer but I am leaning toward not doing anything until annulment is final. *
> 
> Is there a way to make things equitable if I live on the farm?


So this guy isn't in any hurry to actually marry you, but he sure wants you to live with him soon, regardless of what that does to your dad and your assets. 

Hmmmmmm, why is that, I wonder? What does he want to do with your liquid cash while he keeps all his own assets solely in his name? What are the laws in your area concerning property as married vs living together? Especially for the home? And does he not care one whit for your dad, whom you presumably love dearly?

It sure sounds selfish to me, and not someone I'd want to enter into any kind of partnership with.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

I assume from our talks what is his is his and what is mine is mine. I can’t live my life for my Dad, I have done that for the last ten years. I have taken care of both my parents to the extent of being my mothers care taker until she died 8 months ago. My father is already talking about dating which I don’t even want to go down the @&&!! Path. He’s ready to move on with his life so I need to move on with mine. 


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

@Tomara, watch his actions. They tell you everything.

If he's not submitting the paperwork, knowing full well it takes a year for the church to process, then he's not in a rush. Yet he wants you living with him soon.

This is just my personal opinion, but I would never move in with a man who was not showing me he wanted to make room for me in his life (i.e., get his divorce rolling). Especially not if it also disrupts my father's life.

Sitting back and waiting is ok, but you need to have a plan if he doesn't take action in the ways you are hoping. 

And I'd never leave myself without something to fall back on if for some reason things did not work out. Beware of a relationship that forces you to strand yourself in a crisis. With respect, you are old and wise enough to know this already, so believe it.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

@Satya. You are correct I am old enough to know. He has been divorced over13 year but never filed for annulment.

Can there be a fair way to protect myself if I do get married?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I wouldn’t do it.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Tomara said:


> @Satya Can there be a fair way to protect myself if I do get married?


Yes - draw up a prenup.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Can you sell the duplex and get dad a condo? Any equity from the duplex sale that is yours keep in a separate account, don't mix it with marital accounts. Get a prenup.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Tomara..I have to gave my 2cents....get a prenup. That way you keep whats yours and it will give you an idea of whats his.

Also, we women outlive men...so what happens if he drops dead and you are on the farm. Then, you are at tge mercy of his family with no home of your own. How long will you be able to stay there? Just because he says as long as you want does not make it so. Family dynamics change and who know what will happen. So, always protect yourself. We are not getting younger and our years to earn money is quite limited at this point.

Wishing you the best.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Tomara said:


> Due to his religion we both need to get our marriages annulled yet he hasn’t been in any big hurry to compete the paper work. This process will more likely take a year for the church to grant once the paper work is submitted.
> 
> 
> Any thoughts would be very helpful.


If he's Catholic there is no guarantee his annulment will be granted. I'd do nothing until he is free to marry. 

If the Church denies his annulment, meaning his first marriage is still valid for religious purposes and he cannot marry in the Church, would he marry you outside the Church?

Also, I've been through the annulment process. By the time I'd filled out my forms and questionnaires I was at 19 pages, typed. I did a ton of research into Canon Law, the annulment process, and filled out my own forms. Many people are intimidated by the forms and don't have the time to do the research, so they rely on their Procurator-Advocate and/or a Canon Lawyer to help them. If he's having trouble with or is overwhelmed by the paperwork, he can contact his Procurator-Advocate or the local Tribunal for referrals to Canon Lawyers.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

We both have an advocate helping us through the paperwork. It is easier for me since I am not Catholic nor ever married in the church. We were told do not set a date for marriage. 

He told me that he would draw up legal papers on his home “allowing” me to live there until I died. But family dynamics change and his kids could force me out just by the sale of that part of the property/land.




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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

@Tomara , 

If I were you, I would proceed with extreme caution. EXTREME. I am suspicious.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Tomara said:


> @Satya. You are correct I am old enough to know. He has been divorced over13 year but never filed for annulment.
> 
> Can there be a fair way to protect myself if I do get married?


How long have you been dating him?


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

manwithnoname said:


> @Tomara ,
> 
> If I were you, I would proceed with extreme caution. EXTREME. I am suspicious.


I'm not overly suspicious, but there are enough yellow flags to dot your i's, cross your t's and CYA with a reasonable backup plan just in case things don't work out.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Steve1000 said:


> How long have you been dating him?



@Steve1000
We have been dating exclusively for 2 1/2 years.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

manwithnoname said:


> @Tomara ,
> 
> 
> 
> If I were you, I would proceed with extreme caution. EXTREME. I am suspicious.




Can you explain your suspicions?


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Tomara said:


> I got engaged on Christmas Eve. Lately I have been thinking of some big issues and don’t know how to answer them.
> 
> Due to his religion we both need to get our marriages annulled yet he hasn’t been in any big hurry to compete the paper work. This process will more likely take a year for the church to grant once the paper work is submitted.
> 
> ...





Tomara said:


> Can you explain your suspicions?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I'm less suspicious now that I know you've been dating for over 2 years.

However, him wanting you to sell your property? You'll have liquid cash. Will he ask you to contribute to more than just expenses that you incur? Improvements to *his* house? Why not keep your place and rent it out? Have you thought/talked about these scenarios, and probably more I haven't listed.

If you married and then got divorced down the road, would his "family" property be off limits but he would have entitlement to half of your $? 

But then again, I am generally somewhat suspicious of things in general, always wondering if there is a motive behind everything. Keeps me safe!


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

He asked me to contribute toward utilities. I thought about it and told him no or yes I would contribute but he would have to pay me to clean his house and do his laundry. He makes far more money than I do with the farm and working as a cabinet maker for million dollar homes. I would not raise his utility bills in the least. So you can see I do stand up for myself.

What happens if I get a bad renter that destroys my side of the duplex? Nothing in it is renter grade but upgrade with expensive things??? I would not have the extra money to fix it back to my normal.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Tomara said:


> He asked me to contribute toward utilities. I thought about it and told him no or yes I would contribute but he would have to pay me to clean his house and do his laundry. He makes far more money than I do with the farm and working as a cabinet maker for million dollar homes. I would not raise his utility bills in the least. So you can see* I do stand up for myself*.
> 
> What happens if I get a bad renter that destroys my side of the duplex? Nothing in it is renter grade but upgrade with expensive things??? I would not have the extra money to fix it back to my normal.
> 
> ...


That was my goal! 

Good tenants are difficult to find. They are out there, but a lot less common than the ones who destroy things. I don't know the answer to that. If you are in a city or town with a college or university, renting to students whose parents are paying (with a security deposit) may be an idea. 

Make sure you think from all possible angles, for every situation, from your perspective, and from his.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Tomara said:


> What happens if I get a bad renter that destroys my side of the duplex? Nothing in it is renter grade but upgrade with expensive things??? I would not have the extra money to fix it back to my normal.


I've had two renters, and they were stellar. The first owned his own powerwashing business and would regularly wash the pool area just to be helpful. The second was a masseuse who gave me free massages. 

It really depends where you live - I was at the beach.

But if you decide to go the rental route, it's really about screening. My renters were also friends of friends and were serious about maintaining their reputations.

This site is helpful:

https://cozy.co


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Charge a higher deposit. Whatever you spend on a rental is also tax deductible as well. My CPA had my income from my rental down to the negative for last year. That was only for a 4 month period though. There are ways to recoup your expenses should they occur. 


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Tomara said:


> @Steve1000
> We have been dating exclusively for 2 1/2 years.


You certainly haven't rushed things. However, one concern to me is that he has told you to sell your condo. My wife and I were both over 40 when we married. I had utmost respect for her to handle her own possessions such as her condos as she saw fit.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Unfortunately being the capital of Missouri is not such a good thing. Living wages are pretty poor. We are the lowest paid state workers in the US. 

My side of the duplex will rent for 900.00 which is way over my part of the mortgage so there would be a good portion I could save as long as there were no problems with the property. Why am I even thinking that way?? That would leave my father caring for everything by himself which isn’t fair to him.

It appears I am damned. ☹a prenup would only really protect my fiancé and his assets. If I die my property goes directly to my father.

I am afraid also that my Dad will leave and move closer to his brothers and sisters if we sell the duplex. I lost my mother less than a year ago, not sure I could handle losing Dad being close. 

Why does everything have to be difficult? I thought when I fell in love things would be happier, better. 


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

I have figured out one thing for sure. They say after you lose a loved one to wait at least a year before making any big decisions. Mom passed away 7-7-17. I will wait til after that date to make my mind up. Until then I have to figure out the best move for all involved. Haven’t a clue yet how to handle all the crapola.

I have alway had the mind set of caregiver and it has cost me dearly in my relationships.... I am almost 55 and still trying to please everyone. The counselor told me I have boundary issues and that’s pretty spot on.

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