# First year of marriage not blissful



## Mjöllnir1 (Jun 13, 2018)

I married a woman 9 years younger than me when I was 31 about a year ago. We dated for two years before marriage and in that time she legitimately adored me. Big GOOGLY eyes when I came in the room, followed me around on work errands just to be with me, and was very sexually willing, even if she wasn't the instigator. I'm not loaded by any means so she definitely didn't marry me for money.

Flash forward to one month after marriage and we are down to having sex twice a week. That's normal, I think. googly eyes are gone, also normal ... sigh, just a natural evolution of the relationship. I carry on. 

Now flash forward to 8 months after marriage and things are worse. Our sex life has always been admittedly awkward - neither of us had much experience before marriage and we just weren't very good at it, but I think perhaps her insecurity surrounding her performance, combined with starting her first real job as a teacher and being busy, just killed her sex drive almost completely. BJs went from multiple times a day (!) to an absolute chore for her. She stopped acting interested in getting anything from me either. At 8 months were were at 2-3 times per month. Her attitude changed from being a person who sought to please me to getting angry and short with me over trivial things. Whenever she gets the chance, she chooses to hang out with her female coworkers after work - not inviting me, and when I want to do something it's a chore or put off. I don't think she's intentionally manipulated me into marrying her, I think something just changed and the magic effect of new love has worn off on her. When I try to maturely and calmly bring up my dissatisfaction with the direction of our relationship, she goes into "I'm a terrible wife, I guess" angry and emotional mode instead of "lets figure out how to make this work" mode. Eventually she calms down, we read a relationship book together, and she works at being better for a few days, then back to not trying about a week later and the cycle continues. 

I will not divorce her until every option for having a healthy and positive relationship has been explored and failed. Anyone have constructive input on what could help?


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Counseling would be a good next step. This is all somewhat normal, but seems like its happening a bit faster than usual. Sex doesn't typically drop off after 1 month of marriage. And it shouldn't be almost non-existent or drastically different within the first year.

Good luck!


----------



## MZMEE (Apr 17, 2018)

It sounds like she isn't communicating with you why she started pulling away sexually. Start with that. Sex really does change for a woman when she starts work and gets busy with other things. it's just not that important for us so when other things come into the picture we can easily get distracted. So first find out what her feelings are around that. You may have to initiate more now. Don't make any assumptions --- communicate.

You also have to accept that marriage is very different from dating. Life happens. Whereas when you date you make time to get with each other for periods of times. You now have to figure out how to keep the fire in your marriage without letting life suck it dry.

I think you both have to really communicate. She needs to be honest with you about her feelings and when she does express them to you, you have to really listen and don't shut her down or start making excuses. It sounds like she is in avoidance mode. She's not talking about what is really going on in her so she runs to friends or the guilt phrase "I'm just a bad wife". What books are you using to help? There is a great book by Dr. Phil McGraw called Relationship Rescue. I recommend that one because you read it and do the exercises individually for about half the book. Then you both come together for the 2nd half. It really helps you to communicate.

good luck.


----------



## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

It sounds like she had a strong crush on you. How you describe her behavior sounds more like a teenager in love rather than someone more mature. Can you think of any reason that she may have felt like that? Had she not dated a lot? Was she on a rebound? Were you a mentor to her (boss, teacher, etc?). 

It sounds to me that you got married while she was still in that infatuation phase where everything is wonderful. Then once all those love hormones faded away, it was back to reality. Her behavior now sounds like she's fighting against herself for not being in love anymore. Is it possible for her to fall in love again? Maybe... who knows? Typically, it's hard to get that spark back. Right now it sounds like she's pulling away. From the many threads on this site, the sex may never really come back. She may eventually feel more love, but it's unlikely you'll ever have anything close to that level of sexual energy again.

Do you want to fix the marriage mainly because you don't want to be divorced? A lot of times, people try to fight for the marriage just because they don't want to lose it regardless of whether it's actually a good marriage or not. You should ask yourself if she will be happiest staying with you or being on her own. Let's say you go through this rough patch, go to counseling, and make it to the other side. Will this be a good marriage?


----------



## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Are you still as sexually attractive as you were before you got married?
- Did you gain weight?
- Do you stay home more?
- Do you do less fun activities?

Basically, did you turn into a blob of fat on the sofa expecting sex because it was your arrangement when you were better looking and more fun?


Alot of times commitment triggers a loss of sexual desire. You are no longer the guy that gets constant blowjob's because she feels safe knowing you wont be going anywhere.... before marriage she was competing to get you


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Any change in medication or birth control that could affect her libido? Look for external causes first. But then consider the possibility that you've been duped.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Mjöllnir said:


> she goes into "I'm a terrible wife, I guess" angry and emotional mode instead of "lets figure out how to make this work" mode.


Next time she gives you this excuse, ask her if being a terrible wife is what she wants to be, or would she be willing to learn how to be a great wife....and, if so, how much effort is she willing to devote to being a great wife....

Also, check out www.uncoveringintimacy.com and their article "Spontaneous vs Responsive Desire".


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Mjöllnir said:


> Whenever she gets the chance, she chooses to hang out with her female coworkers after work - not inviting me,


Are you sure it is just the female coworkers your W is hanging out with after work?


----------



## Justin J (Oct 1, 2017)

I Think she is having a hard time adapting Ron being married. I went through same thing. Though not as quickly. You just need to work through it. COUnceling would be great. Find out each other’s needs. If your willing to give her what she needs but she’s not willing to do the same then you have a problem


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

nice777guy said:


> Counseling would be a good next step. This is all somewhat normal, but seems like its happening a bit faster than usual. Sex doesn't typically drop off after 1 month of marriage. And it shouldn't be almost non-existent or drastically different within the first year.
> 
> Good luck!


I disagree. This isn’t normal at all.

I still had tons of sex for 14 years of marriage after 4 years of dating. I still get tons of sex in my relationships. Very little sex is abnormal.

OP, give your marriage your best shot. But I’m my opinion, she isn’t acting like a good long term partner that WANTS to be married to you.
She sounds like just what you say—- uninterested in you anymore. Know that someone, the right one, would be. You don’t have to live in a horrible relationship. Sounds like she wants out, anyway. You may only be her security blanket.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

She likes someone at work and now resents that she is married. Check your phone bill.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

The wife is only 23 years old. Very young, sounds pretty immature. I agree with the person who says it sounds like she had a "teen like" crush on you. Some people in their early 20s just don't make good relationship partners, the maturity just isn't there. The stats for marriage lasting greatly increase if the woman is 26 plus at the time of marriage. There is a reason for that.


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I am not usually one to jump on the affair wagon, but this change corresponded with her new job AND hanging out with new friends without you. I would do some snooping. Don't assume, but definitely snoop.


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

This sounds familiar, except in reverse, it was my H's drive and need/want for intimacy that disappeared. I would suggest counselling before things get worse. Also, just a couple questions: you're both working full time, right? Are you guys equally splitting the household duties and the non-fun things in life that unfortunately still need to be done (yard work housework, etc.)?


----------



## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

The likelihood is that what changed is that you and she got married. There may have been a whole lot of changes that occurred after that, but the main thing is her attitude. I'm not saying she duped you intentionally, but she did dupe you. She did what she felt was required as a girlfriend and after the nuptials, she began to feel like she wasn't required anymore. Some women are like that. They have this innate need to get married and get a guy to marry them but after marriage, they got what they wanted by accomplishing the goal. It could be due to her upbringing and if she was inexperienced, I'm guessing this is the way she was raised. It may be very surprising, I know it's surprising to me anyway, that in this day and age, many parents are still raising their daughters to "find yourself a husband," so that becomes the objective and what the woman thinks is what she's supposed to do. It isn't necessarily calculated or done with the intention of fooling you, but marriage is the primary objective so once it's accomplished, there's no need for any more effort to get you.

"*Our sex life has always been admittedly awkward - neither of us had much experience before marriage and we just weren't very good at it*"

Understand two more things: One is that awkward sex makes her extremely self conscious. It's not about her performance. It's about her vulnerability because "awkward" makes her very vulnerable. She will have no desire to have to be vulnerable repeatedly because it's not what a woman needs. Women need for their man to be strong and confident because that places her at ease with knowing she is in his capable hands. If he isn't capable, then she's vulnerable and really hates being vulnerable.

The second thing is if sex is not good, then she won't want to have to repeatedly go through that either. If she doesn't get anything out of it and the deed is primarily for his satisfaction, then yes, sex is absolutely a chore. Just like you enjoy sex and want to do it repeatedly because it feels good, a woman who enjoys sex wants to do it repeatedly because it feels good too. She doesn't turn away sex that feels good, at least not on a regularly dwindling basis. She doesn't want to do it because there's no satisfaction in it for her, and any woman rejects the psychological feelings of being objectified.

So, it may be, and probably is, that she never enjoyed sex but still felt she had to "find a husband" and did what she thought was required. But since sex is awkward and not very good, then that makes both of you equally responsible for the success of your marriage. You don't like that you don't get sex as much as you used to. Well, she doesn't like that you've not gotten any better at doing the act. Do you understand tha you have objectified her? Due to that, you have both used each other for your own purpose - she wanted a husband, and you wanted sex. Neither of you thought very much of the other beyond what that person could do for you. Since you are saying - at this stage after 2 years of dating - that sex is awkward and not very good at it, that means you've made no educational effort to get better at it or to learn how to please your girlfriend and now wife.

To come back to a woman needing a strong, confident man, you have to understand that every human has a mean thread that runs through out veins. People will be mean whenever they can be mean, and the most likely and most frequent acts of unkindness are committed on someone a person deems as weaker and less powerful. I'm sure you've heard of terrible bosses who treat their subordinates very badly. Do you think they also treat their superiors badly? No they don't because their bosses are more powerful, not less powerful. By the same standard, abusive men are abusive to their, obviously, weaker female partners, and they don't go around hitting, calling names, and picking fights with their male counterparts. 

If you didn't tolerate your wife's attitude toward you, she would stop displaying attitude towards you. She does it because you allow it, which, to her, means you are weak. It means she doesn't respect you because you don't demand respect from her. In other words, you need to man up. Relationship books can't teach you how to do that.


----------

