# He has not changed, remained a cheater



## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

I discovered my long time ex, the serial cheater with whom I wasted half of my youth, on an affair site AM style. He married 3-4 years ago, and this profile has been created over an year ago. He has not changed. He cheats on his current partner, too.

I don't know why it lingers in my mind. It is a mix of feelings. I feel bad for the hapless who had the misfortune of marrying him. I feel a twinge of satisfaction and validation like it was not only me, like if I was not good enough or something. 

And least I feel disappointed because I like to believe people change and cheaters become faithful if they find "the one". Guess I now incline toward "once a cheater always a cheater." 
That was disturbing to see. But thank goodness I haven't married him.


----------



## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Another example illustrating how rare it is for serial cheaters to turn it around. I'm convinced that the more somebody cheats the more they lose the ABILITY to forsake the cheating behavior. Their DESIRE to reform is also compromised.

I think this is especially true for those cheaters who fess up and try reconciliation and then choose to cheat again. Of course there are exceptions, but very rare in my opinion.

I'll even press the point to a deeper level. I feel that serial cheaters, by making repeated choices to cheat, are affected not only on a psychological level, but also on a spiritual level where their free will or agency is forfeited and thus their ability to choose wisely in the next situation is compromised. 

These type of cheaters are to be pitied, but also avoided like the plague. I have an uncle like this who has provided me a very good case study over the years. Clearly his bad choices snowballed into worse choices. I find it strangely fascinating, horrifying and eye opening to observe his train wreck of a life. He is truly the epitome of the flotsam of human wreckage. Very sad.


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

For the vast majority it is addictive behavior.


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I totally get the feeling of validation that it wasn't just you. I knew, at an intellectual level, that my serial cheating ex-husband would likely cheat again on other partners. But when I found out he was cheating on his new girlfriend within 3 months, I too felt somehow vindicated. It really wasn't our marriage or me. It's just something in him. The feeling of it was somehow a relief. But, like you, I do kind of feel bad for her. 

And yes, he has an addictive personality in general, so I do think he's somehow addicted to the behavior.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Rowan said:


> I totally get the feeling of validation that it wasn't just you. I knew, at an intellectual level, that my serial cheating ex-husband would likely cheat again on other partners. But when I found out he was cheating on his new girlfriend within 3 months, I too felt somehow vindicated. It really wasn't our marriage or me. It's just something in him. The feeling of it was somehow a relief. But, like you, I do kind of feel bad for her.
> 
> And yes, he has an addictive personality in general, so I do think he's somehow addicted to the behavior.


So I am curious...did you tell her?


----------



## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Rowan, in his case, it's not only addiction, it's entitlement. He goes by the principle "men will be men", which means they can get laid with other women but they still return home to the SO. 
and in Eastern Europe, where I came from, this philosophy is widely accepted by women, who accept being cheated on by staying ! I can't fathom how I put up with it for so long. Wish I found TAM back then. It would have saved me a lot of misery.

Yes I do feel some vindication, although I no longer feel the need of validation from his source. I get a lot of attention in general, and I found a great guy. But still, the " See? I knew it was him, not me!" is there, deep in 

He is also very attractive. The identical eyes of Leo Di Caprio and the rest all Brad Pitt. That contributes to his ****y sense of entitlement and unwillingness to be faithful.
Hope his wife catches him. I wouldn't be surprised to see him up on CV on day. That, if they have CV for other countries.


----------



## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

It really goes to show that despite what the WS says, the cheating is all on them. The BS could be perfect in every way and they would still cheat. 

And let's face it, nobody is perfect. So they exploit the BS insecurities to try and justify their own behavior. All because in their broken self focused world it's too hard to admit, even to themselves that what they have done or are doing is weak, hurtful and wrong.


----------



## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

thatbpguy said:


> For the vast majority it is addictive behavior.


From my perspective, very true.

5 years ago I caught my wife in a brief EAPA affair with her long ago college BF (from 30 years past). After the dust settled, the "truth" comes out she had been serially cheating for the last 6+ years of marriage. Like many, I suspected on and off and even stupidly "soft" confronted from time to time. 

Hears the point... She knew I suspected. She knew it would potentially end of our marriage. She knew in her heart that it was wrong and was internally eating away at her character.

In MC, I remember looking at her and asking... "If it was eating away at your soul, and creating havoc in your mind, why didn't you just stop after the 1st affair ended?" 

She looks up and admits... "I was Addicted to the Attention. I was already damned" 

I truly believe without being caught... 1st, she would never confess the truth. 2nd, she would still be cheating.


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> So I am curious...did you tell her?


She knew when they started dating that his wife had divorced him just 2 months prior for cheating. A month later, she found out he was multi-dating (including sex with all parties) when he'd said he wasn't. A couple months after that, they were exclusive when she found out about a ONS he had at a party. She's also caught him exchanging flirty/inappropriate emails with yet another woman. And yet, she's still around. She pitches a fit, then simmers down and they make up and it's like nothing ever happened. 

I made sure she'd been told about his history and confirmed she'd found out about the one cheating episode. Beyond that I haven't bothered. I feel sort of bad for her, but at this point she's a willing participant in his brand of crazy. My impression is that she is very drawn to a high level of drama.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Rowan said:


> She knew when they started dating that his wife had divorced him just 2 months prior for cheating. A month later, she found out he was multi-dating (including sex with all parties) when he'd said he wasn't. A couple months after that, they were exclusive when she found out about a ONS he had at a party. She's also caught him exchanging flirty/inappropriate emails with yet another woman. And yet, she's still around. She pitches a fit, then simmers down and they make up and it's like nothing ever happened.
> 
> I made sure she'd been told about his history and confirmed she'd found out about the one cheating episode. Beyond that I haven't bothered. I feel sort of bad for her, but at this point she's a willing participant in his brand of crazy. My impression is that she is very drawn to a high level of drama.


Well then! :scratchhead: Clearly she has her own batch of issues then.


----------



## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

How did you find this out? You weren't searching an affair site... and hopefully you're not searching him and have put him well behind you...

Shortly after DDay, as I floundered around here at TAM, Affaircare took the time to write into one of my posts an extensive and thoughtful explanation of the feeling of addiction a WS has, suggesting I look at and even treat my WW as an addict, where her drug was the high she got from the endorphins and such in being in her EA. It hit me right between the eyes; I got it as the best explanation I was going to get as to "why" she did what she did to me. That anonymous person from internetland helped me enormously (thanks AC if you're reading!!)

Except, if it were a drug like cocaine or such, I'd have stayed with her to get her off the drugs, but in this case, I just couldn't do it. I totally believe the points made here about it getting easier and easier to do each time. It was how my WW crossed the line. First guy was flirting gone too far, and attempt at contact follow-up. No dice. So the next one was closer to home, longer played out to test the waters, up to "I love you's". That ended, but she was already approaching the next guy when I found out about #2. 

Addict. And not for me, thanks anyway.


----------



## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

I agree with addictive behavior. When I cheated a lot that is how it manifested itself. I've always been a extremist at any given point I am always doing something 110%.

Diet, working out, cars, travel, school, reading, there is something I'm always obsessive about. At one point it was cheating and experiencing new women!!


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Hortensia said:


> I discovered my long time ex, the serial cheater with whom I wasted half of my youth, on an affair site AM style. He married 3-4 years ago, and this profile has been created over an year ago. He has not changed. He cheats on his current partner, too.
> 
> I don't know why it lingers in my mind. It is a mix of feelings. I feel bad for the hapless who had the misfortune of marrying him. I feel a twinge of satisfaction and validation like it was not only me, like if I was not good enough or something.
> 
> ...


The new one might know he cheats.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

OhGeesh said:


> I agree with addictive behavior. When I cheated a lot that is how it manifested itself. I've always been a extremist at any given point I am always doing something 110%.
> 
> Diet, working out, cars, travel, school, reading, there is something I'm always obsessive about. At one point it was cheating and experiencing new women!!


What is it now? Having an obsessive personality doesn't have to be a bad thing.


----------



## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> For the vast majority it is addictive behavior.



I believe this is true, and also that it is true of my FWH. He has an addictive personality. He gets into certain things and just overdoes it. Luckily not with drugs or alcohol, but, sometimes with food, sometimes with a computer game, a TV series, political discussions online (yes, he's one of THOSE).

He also had an addiction with sex/fantasy images, to some degree, although he seems to have gotten away from that for the most part. Don't get me wrong, I don't think sex is a bad thing to be thinking about, but his last online/sexting/phone affair was all about the fantasy. They would have phone texting sex and he loved the stories they created for it. 

He used to look at free porn online more and those photo spreads of the almost naked or naked women that one or two of his friends would send out in email. That has also dwindled to almost nothing. 

He'll binge on food , has a serious love/addiction to peanut butter that he will put on celery so he feels less guilty, but he puts on so much! and he'll do that until he gains weight and then swears it off again for a while.


So, what comes first, the addictive behaviors or the affairs that they get addicted to?


----------



## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

2xloser said:


> How did you find this out? You weren't searching an affair site... and hopefully you're not searching him and have put him well behind you...


Lol no, I wasn't looking for an affair site and nor to contact him. But I kind of got inspired by the ex threads to look up his email address, which has an unique username. Wanted to see if he still has it. And there it was, same username, affair site link and profile. Whew. Curiosity satisfied. :rofl:


----------



## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

I get it, but you already know that you're still better off just forgetting him and moving on, not spending a minute more on him and his affairs, no?


----------



## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

treyvion said:


> What is it now? Having an obsessive personality doesn't have to be a bad thing.


All of the previous list not cars and not women, but working out, reading, diet, healthy living, and I'm super busy on project so that is helping a bit.


----------



## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Rowan said:


> She knew when they started dating that his wife had divorced him just 2 months prior for cheating. A month later, she found out he was multi-dating (including sex with all parties) when he'd said he wasn't. A couple months after that, they were exclusive when she found out about a ONS he had at a party. She's also caught him exchanging flirty/inappropriate emails with yet another woman. And yet, she's still around. She pitches a fit, then simmers down and they make up and it's like nothing ever happened.
> 
> I made sure she'd been told about his history and confirmed she'd found out about the one cheating episode. Beyond that I haven't bothered. I feel sort of bad for her, but at this point she's a willing participant in his brand of crazy. My impression is that she is very drawn to a high level of drama.


Willing participant is an understatement. How about complete ENABLER of his sick, addictive behavior? What a sad, lonely, desperate excuse for a woman she must be. Zero self-esteem - who would put up with that? Once.... and if he totally turned himself around .. well IMO you screw me over once I can forgive, you screw me twice - f*&k off forever.

Oh yes, cheaters never change. I have a theory - its in their DNA. They are hardwired this way. They have no MORAL PERSONAL LINE they don't cross. None. They just do what they want, regardless of who they hurt and what it does to their own soul in the longrun. And I truly believe it does damage their soul.


----------



## rsr0519 (Sep 21, 2014)

Once a cheater...ALWAYS a cheater!!


----------



## rsr0519 (Sep 21, 2014)

I'm brand new to this forum. Heck, I've never even been a part of a forum. I'm here because I needed to know I wasn't alone. I've found comfort in reading what others share, even though I know how deeply painful it is to be married to a snake in the grass! For me it was confirmed what I've really knew in my heart all along....they will NEVER change. There's only 2 types of men in this world. The good ones & the bad ones. There's no riding the fence in relationships. However, I've lied to myself for 17 yrs. saying oh he's just a harmless flirt. He'd never actually do anything that could potentially end our marriage and tear our family apart. I was a fool! Nothing could've painted a clearer pic of that than finding out he is and has been cheating on me during a very very difficult time. 

After the birth of our youngest child who is now 5 years old, I immediately developed health issues afterwards. They've gotten progressively worse. Now I'm barely able to walk, I have vision issues, among many other symptoms. I'm undergoing more tests now that have made MS a strong possibility. Instead of stopping his childish BS and stepping up to be a real man and father to our 2 children, I caught him red handed putting in motion a plan to start a new life with a new family. The woman has a small child of her own. So his plan consisted of taking our oldest child which is 13 away from me to go live with him, his new wife and her 5 yr old son. Yes, he already planned to marry her and he even went as far as telling our oldest daughter about his new family dynamic plans. Keep in mind, he was putting all this in action while he's still with me. As I look back now, I should've seen the signs and not been blindsided by all this. Typically, my instincts are pretty sharp and I've never been the door mat type. However, this illness is destroying my physical capabilities and now going after my mental well being. I'm just not as sharp minded as before. It's becoming difficult to process some of the simplest things. So naturally, my primary focus has been on finding a way to get better because my family needs me etc. Little did I know, my husband...now very soon to be ex...had entirely different goals in mind for our family's future.


----------



## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Rsr, you are in my blessings. You describe a man as abhorrent as my ex. He cheated on me while pregnant ( lost baby), and did an interminable string of abuses that would be too horrendous to list. Your spouse sounds like a close match. Cut him loose, as you can see from this example, he'll surely cheat on the new wife too, soon.
May heaven keep you strong, and bring you back to health.


----------



## rsr0519 (Sep 21, 2014)

Thank you Hortensia for your kind words of encouragement. I know in my heart that non of what I'm going through is happening by chance. God has something much better in store. These clouds will clear for the both of us and the sun will shine again. Thanks again!!


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I wouldn't necessarily say once a cheater always a cheater, there are many cases to dispel that myth. However, there is a certain kind of person that cheats, they also lie. That kind of person will always be a liar and a cheater.


----------

