# I've had a really weird thought lately. I may move to Venus.



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

OK, ladies...

This may strike some of you as strange, make some of you LOL, and who knows what others may think. I apologize in advance if this offends anyone for any reason, but I hope you can read the spirit in which I mean it.

I'm amused at this thought that has struck me lately. I'm sure it's because I've been so frustrated with my husband, I really don't spend enough time with OTHER PEOPLE, as I should (I work at home, don't have many friends in this town), and I'm really fed up with many of his traits that seem so archetypically, stereotypically MALE. I'm tired of living with a Martian.

I saw a preview for that movie "The Kids Are All Right," about the lesbian wives, laughing joyfully at the dinner table, and I thought, "Gee don't they look happy and peaceful. What a nice life."

Saw pics on facebook of a lesbian friend from high school with her wife and new baby, thought "Gee don't they look happy and peaceful. Look at those big smiles."

Interview of Portia deRossi talking about Ellen. "Gee don't they seem happy and peaceful and mutually supportive of each other."

I'm not and never have been attracted to other women, I'm heterosexual and very physically attracted to my husband.

It's just, sometimes, I think "Good GOD, wouldn't my life be easier if I shared my days with another woman instead of this hard-headed mule/toddler/puppy?"

I think this thought signifies a couple things for me:

1. I need more friendship in my marriage. Don't want to give up the sex and attraction part, but the friendship--the fun, laughing, companionship--has gotten pushed out lately by all the tenuous conflict.

2. I need more GIRLfriendships outside of my marriage. I grew up with 3 sisters, no brothers, and I miss them. I need to nurture my friendships more. I miss the roommates I had right before I met and married my husband. ALL my close girlfriends are long-distance, not one of them lives near me. 

3. Who knows...  just kidding! (not that there's anything wrong with that)

Anyway, that's my weird thought, had to share.

At the risk that I doth protest much, I know what I'm longing for is not a marriage with a "woman," but with someone who "GETS" me, is friends with me, laughs with me---without the snappiness (him), neediness (me), leeriness and conflict (us). 

I guess I see freedom in those images I mentioned above, where each person gets to be herself, maybe a strong personality, without the other one trying to compete or control.

I'm sure that is possible in a heterosexual relationship too. 
I just haven't found it YET with this bona fide Martian!!!!!


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

It is possible to have that in a heterosexual relationship. I think everyone has had a thought like yours now and then. We get frustrated and we see what looks like something so much easier. 

I've always felt the only difference between a friendship and a romantic relationship was that in the romantic relationship, you share physical intimacy with the person, and a home and children if it reaches that point. I think too many people don't see this. They think that a romantic relationship is a completely different animal than a friendship and end up striving for something they won't get, because the foundation of friendship isn't there. 

I love my boyfriend, and I love knowing that he is my boyfriend, and hopefully more someday. But what I also love is that he is my friend. Our relationship is a bit strained right now, too, but we still have that friendship and we love each other, so I know we'll be all right in the end. Things are already getting better. 

Hopefully, your situation will get better soon, too.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

I don't think your thoughts are weird but I do think that all relationships have issues and it really doesn't matter if it is same sex couples or opposite sex couples. If you watched the movie The Kids Are Alright then you know that they still deal with infidelity, confusion, growing old together and facing misunderstandings.

I'm listening to the Jets game on ESPN (we don't have television = AHHHHHH!) while I post this and my husband is putting the kids to bed as he hates football so go figure.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Oh yeah, I'm not for stereotypes.
Tonight I watched the Steelers while my husband cooked dinner, then we watched "eat pray love" because HE brought it home.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

It's kind of funny that you posted this actually...because one of the things that almost always pops into my mind when I read about the interactions you have with your husband, is that it seems to me like what you really want is for him to talk to you like another woman would.

Then when you mention growing up with sisters and roommates and all, it all makes a lot more sense---


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

COGypsy said:


> It's kind of funny that you posted this actually...because one of the things that almost always pops into my mind when I read about the interactions you have with your husband, is that it seems to me like what you really want is for him to talk to you like another woman would.
> 
> Then when you mention growing up with sisters and roommates and all, it all makes a lot more sense---


Ain't it great when things make sense?

And ironically, I'm not really a "girly-girl" in terms of being into makeup, fashion, decorating, domestic stuff, never was in a sorority (except my house growing up as a kid, ha!)

I'm just a sensitive person, a "Feeler" on a Meyers-Briggs test, and verbal communication is a HUGE part of relationships for me.
--That key difference between me and my H has been a struggle.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Hey creda, can I ask what the attraction is to your husband initially and then now? I wonder if you have a love/hate attraction with him because of his masculinity and I also wonder why you didn't choose a man who was more in touch with his softer side.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> I'm not and never have been attracted to other women, I'm heterosexual and very physically attracted to my husband.


Well that is one good reason not to partner with a woman!
It's just, sometimes, I think "Good GOD, wouldn't my life be easier if I shared my days with another woman instead of this hard-headed mule/toddler/puppy?"
[/quote]
Just a completely different set of difficulties. The grass is not actually any greener on the other side.

Got to ask, why did you marry someone you consider to be a child?




> At the risk that I doth protest much, I know what I'm longing for is not a marriage with a "woman," but with someone who "GETS" me, is friends with me, laughs with me---without the snappiness (him), neediness (me), leeriness and conflict (us).


Being different does not NEED to mean failure to understand each other. My husband and I are VERY different. And "get" each other very well. 

Definitely think meeting some good female friends is a good idea.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I was attracted to him for all the traits and reasons he drives me nuts now.
I really admire(d) his leadership skills, intelligence, confidence, comfort in his own skin, honesty, responsibility, being true to himself, independence, adherence to his principles, extroversion, fun-loving spirit, flexibility.

At the same time...as I list those traits, I do realize that some of them don't seem as apparent as they once did.
Some of those traits I saw and fell in love with, may be covering up the exact opposite underneath.

I'm not trying to be harsh, unloving, or hypocritical.
I guess for some reason we tap into each other's insecurities.
That could be a death knell, or help each of us grow.
We're aiming for the latter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

sorry, I just LOVE the mule/toddler/puppy, lol. You aren't the only one who's jokingly had those thoughts. There have been many a day where I just wanna throw up my hands and say, wouldn't it just be easier with a woman? lol, and again not seriously, but I get what you're throwing down.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

I just feel the need to say upfront - no I'm not stalking your threads, but I do seem to relate to so much of what you write that I'm hoping my OH gives me a chance to share bits & pieces from TAM (notably yours!) when we get some him'n'me time sometime this century

Ok----



credamdóchasgra said:


> (SNIP)
> 
> I'm not and never have been attracted to other women, I'm heterosexual and very physically attracted to my husband.
> :iagree:
> ...


As to why pick a strong martian type when it might have been easier to pick someone more in touch with their softer side (ME TOO!!!) well for myself it was nice to find the alpha male attraction of a successful man - my ex was soft, perhaps too soft, though communication - part of what I believe Creda's been on about - was not ultra easy with him either, so thereby I hark back to the Mars-Venus divide!


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Madimoff,

I was never attracted to the men who were "in touch with their softer side."

One of the BEST FRIENDS IVE EVER HAD IN MY LIFE was one of these men. I spent upwards of 6 years in a "friendship" with him that was sprinkled with brief periods of "dating." We tried. He was completely in love with me, wanted to marry me. Wonderful guy, salt of the earth. 
The attraction was missing. It was necessary.

I fell hard and fast in love with my husband for the reasons I mention above. 
Yes, sometimes I wonder if I should've waited for a gentler man, one with limitless patience and unconditional kindness.
But I didn't. I married THIS man.

The counseling we're in--"imago therapy"--takes an approach that seems to apply to us:
Each of us has chosen to marry a person who taps into and challenges the parts of us that need to grow. 
Conflicts = growth trying to happen

I think the consensus is that if you find someone who taps into your insecurities or undeveloped parts, that means they are bad for you and you should steer clear.
Granted, they have a point.

BUT, I really welcomed the "imago" approach because it said the opposite of that, and gave me hope that all the things that seemed so "bad" might actually lead to "good."

Does this mean we should ALWAYS be in conflict? Of course not.
Shouldn't it be fun and easy SOMETIMES? Of course!
Don't we want to be accepted for who we are? YES!
Isn't it also good to be challenged to grow? YES!

Above, vt made the point that someone can "get" you and still be different from you. Of course.
I think in a lot of ways, my H does "get me." But only to a certain extent. He's not one who easily "gets" something or someone that he perceives as different from himself. 
That's a personality trait of his, and I'm way on the opposite extreme: I can see or hear about something I 100% DISAGREE with, and still say "I can understand that person's pov."
Maybe he needs to grow in the area of understanding things/people that are different? Sure.
Do I need to grow in lots of areas too? Yup.

OK, I think I may be rambling now.
Madimoff, I'm glad you can relate! Keep me/us posted on how things are going with you and yours!


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## tattoomommy (Aug 14, 2009)

LOL so many things in this threat made me laugh. I feel for you though as I have the same issue. I need more girl friends majorly. It's inappropriate for me to have a close male friend that's not my husband, so I severed the depth of those friendships long ago. My closest friends are at least an hour away each. We all have kids so why we don't have more play dates, I don't even know. But I do know how you feel


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> OK, ladies...
> 
> This may strike some of you as strange, make some of you LOL, and who knows what others may think. I apologize in advance if this offends anyone for any reason, but I hope you can read the spirit in which I mean it.
> 
> ...



That's exactly what I'm doing right now - to detach and withdraw some emotionally from my husband, re-establishing my life outside of him.

- I've reconnected with a girlfriend who was my best friend for years - it has helped a lot - we spent 6 hours on the phone last weekend and I felt so much better when we hung up and she is coming to visit us next month.
- I've reconnected with the TV shows I LIKE TO WATCH. This may seem insignificant to others, but for the past year I was only watching shows he liked, in his room, with him - I gave up American Idol, The Amazing Race, Survivor and other shows I like - I'm rediscovering them now - watched Grey's Anatomy last night and it felt good.
- I'm no longer letting him dictate the type of mood I'm in. If he's moody, well, that's his problem, I don't have to be. If he's in a good mood and I'm not, well I can be in a bad mood too, I don't have to adapt to him to make sure I don't "offend" him.
- I'm giving out my real opinion now when he talks to me - not saying just what he wants to hear. I'm being my "authentic" self for a change.

I am a smart, attractive and desirable woman - I truly am. And when he figures it out, then great, if he doesn't - well I know I am and I'm going to live my life that way.

We've been married 26 years, most of those years great, but the last two have been terrible since his brain injury and it's taken me this long to get myself back on track.

Maybe you need to just give it time. 

I've read your other threads and a few pieces of advice based on what I've read.

- Quit trying to effect change in him. You will just beat your head against the wall. HE is the only one who can change. Change yourself - one person can change the dynamics of a marriage, all by themselves.
- Your marriage is never going to be perfect - sorry, but it isn't going to. Think about it, you take two people who were raised differently, from different walks of life, different morals, outlook on what life should be etc., and put them together and expect everything to be great - it doesn't work that way. 
- Make a PRO/CON list. On the CON list, decide if those things are things you can "live with" or compromise on. If they're not, then maybe you don't need to be together. If they are - then let them go - that is who he is, move on to other things that are boundaries and deal breakers and accept those things you can that really don't make that much of a difference in the scheme of things.
- Let go of some of the need to control and be in charge. In the long term, does it really matter? Is it more important to win and be right, or to be in a loving relationship with your husband. Give up the ghost!
- He's going to do and say things that piss you off and vice versa. It's a part of life, any relationship - marriage, family, etc. Expect it, learn to deal with it without the both of you retreating and getting nothing resolved and move on to the next challenge.

Life in general is hard, relationships are harder. Do you want to look back years down the road and say shoulda, coulda, woulda or do you want to look back and say, hey, things were crappy now and then but I made it!


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Thank you, mwil.

I'm getting better at NOT being affected by his mood.
And actually, he's more affected by what I say and do lately.
I'm getting to the point where sometimes when he's cranky, I laugh and say "oh, lighten up. Getcher panties out of a bunch."
as HE keeps grousing.
I'd love if he could just lighten up and laugh too, and I hope that he can.
But I guess the point is---if he can't, so what!!!

When we first started counseling, the focus was all on why I "let his moods/words/behaviors affect ME so much."
but....it goes the other way too.
He doesn't quite see that at this point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Getcher panties out of a bunch."


ahahah...that's what i say to my H, too. he was thrown when i first said it because ive been so consistently serious in the past. i was hardly prone to levity.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

He always used to say it to me.
I might add: "did you borrow my panties again? They sure are in a bunch."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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