# Wife's independence and control issues



## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

Background: I work away from home for a month at a time and have a small spread of land that I have recently bought and moved my family to. The farm needs a lot of work and I have ben doing what I can, when I can while I am home, but not making enough progress, so I hired a guy to do some of the dumb muscle work around the place. I spent a couple weeks working with him getting a lot of stuff cleared up and I think he is a decent kind of guy. He is single, ex-military, served active duty, general lad's lad. 

I would (not that I did) socialise with him outside of employer/employee scenario, as he has worked around my industry and has travelled and can hold a conversation that goes beyond the weather, sheep, and drugs.... such as the locals do. 

I had to return to my full time work and so had to leave, he had another week or so available for work (raising funds for his college degree) so I said fine, left a list of things needed attention. My wife was able to give directions as to pruning and whatnot so he could keep at it.

So, anyway, I am back at work, wife and him have been getting a lot done around the place and she is appreciating having the adult company around during the day, instead of just our 18 month old's conversation. His last day of work is coming up and my wife decides that she is going out to dinner at a local pub with him as a thank you and a night for her to "blow off some steam" I told her that I wasn't really comfortable with her going out to dinner with this man, for all the obvious reasons and then a few....... well that was when world war 27 erupted.

Apparently I am being controlling and selfish and can't tell her what to do blah blah blah. Thing is, I don't stop her having time with her friends, I don't stop her doing the things that she wants to do, but something doesn't sit right with me having her go out for dinner and a night out with this guy. For all his good traits, I feel there is something underneath, I can't put my finger on it. She says that I should trust her and that it is really demeaning for me to voice the fact I am not comfortable with it. I do trust her. I don't trust him as I don't know him well enough, I do know that he has seen and done things that most men never will, nor could, but she will have none of it. 

I received a tirade of abuse from her telling me that she was not going to drop her knickers for the first guy that walks by, and that I should trust her, blahdy blah, blah. She just cannot accept that I don't feel right about it, it all comes from me wanting to control her. She has issues with control, she thinks I always have to be right, because when I am, I will stand up and be counted, but when I don't know, or am wrong, I don't argue. But god help anyone who dares to disagree with her.

Throughout this argument with her, I never lost it, I simply stated that I wasn't comfortable with it, and that I didn't think she should be going on a "date night" with another guy, just because I am away at work and she wants to have a night out and a bit of fun.

Am I trying to control her? 
Am I in the wrong for voicing my discomfort?


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Tell her you do trust her.

You trusted her when you married her.
You trusted that she would put your feelings first and you would come before all other men.
You trusted she would never put herself in a situation like this one.
You trusted that she would come to you to meet her emotional needs.
You trusted that you would be the man taking her out to dinner.
You trusted that her love for you and investment in the marriage would be far more important then blowing off steam with a man she shouldn't be getting close to.


I also want add, I don't think it's good for men or women to spend extended periods with the opposite sex alone and unchecked as your wife has done. In future I would not hire men to be there alone with your wife, just as you shouldn't be alone with other women.

ETA: Does your wife feel that you find her sexy and desirable? Do you have a good sex life? Is your emotional bond good, and do you have respect for each other?

If she's been spending a lot of time around this single guy and all of those things are good, I'd say there is far less chance of her being pulled into anything with him (even though i still don't believe they should be alone).

Women do like to feel sexy and desired.


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

My wife is carrying around a few spare tyres that deduct from the sexy and desirable, sex life is not too great because of that, and as for respect..... I don't feel there is much there from her, because she thinks I am controlling and that I am out to bring her down. The things that bring her down are the same ones that she needs to improve on but refuses to, for whatever reason. 

I praise her talents, I give her plenty of freedom, listen when she needs to talk about crap that I don't care about(local gossip mainly) I take an active role in our son's life.

As for extended periods, he worked 4-5 hours a day, 5 days a week, and went home after work.... so I wouldn't say they were together for extended time.... his work was in the paddocks, not the house.

I get that she is a social person and likes to socialise. I get that I am not there and she can't put her life on hold 100% while I am away. I get that raising a child is tough on your own. I get it. Seriously. But she can disregard the stresses and strains of my work, and the toll it takes on me, and then the added strain of being financially responsible for our lifestyle and our future. She is a housewife who thinks I should do 50% of the housework as well as earning 95% of the income and taking 100% control of all the finances and investing, but still be brow beaten when I buy a piece of equipment or tool that I need.

I don't feel respected at all really, and it shows in how I talked to her in the past, but I have seriously been working on that. I no longer raise my voice or name-call or bring up the past... I am trying, and this is the thanks I get from her......

AAARGHHHHHHHH ----- vent.....


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

If you don't find her sexy and desirable, this will effect her self esteem. Women often need to feel that in order for them to have confidence. She may have been looking to you to show her you find her sexy and desirable, and if you can't do that she might look elsewhere.

*Obviously that is not right* and she shouldn't step outside the marriage, but a woman needs to feel like her H is attracted to her or I think it's just really bad news for the marriage. if my H told me he wasn't attracted to me, I would just feel so bad about myself, I would probably want to throw it all in. Luckily that has never happened to me (except maybe a tiny bit by an abusive, manipulative man I went out with for a short time).

She probably doesn't feel respected either. Particularly if you were not in control of your self and the things you said and because you aren't sexually attracted to her.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

The blowing off steam part is what would concern me. This is a date, man. Controlling because she wants to date other men and you mention your concerns? NO WAY would my wife be going out with him.

But give us updates. I want to see how late this date goes. I'm betting until after 2AM.


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

You have to follow your gut. And her (over) reaction is interesting. Perhaps you can propose that you both take him out when you're home next. That way she can 'blow off some steam' and you both can extend thanks for his help and you can be there. If she finds this completely unreasonable, then I'd say ....hmmmm. What else is up here?

As Syrum said, it's not about you not trusting her . . . it's him you're concerned with. And you should make this crystal clear if you haven't done so yet. ANd let her know that you know him well enough to be cautious.


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## Wheels65 (Jul 17, 2011)

Almost every time I hear someone mention their spouse saying the are "controlling" it is due to an emotional affair, physical affair or there is just a total disconnect in the marriage. 

I agree with jayde, why not the both of you take this fellow out as a show of appreciation?

She should respect your position and accept it provided you have never been a controlling person in the past.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Syrum said:


> Tell her you do trust her.
> 
> You trusted her when you married her.
> You trusted that she would put your feelings first and you would come before all other men.
> ...


Yes. This was absolutlely predictable. I understand his rationale. BUT he left another man ... probably a real studly Alpha guy if he is doing this type of work, alone with his wife to bond with. In fact lets give them both the benefit of the doubt for a second. This scenario set them up for an EA. It is natural. They were working hard together and started meeting each others needs. She was isolated from her husband. There had to be a sexual tension at least.

Also in this scenario whether a man is doing his job or not, by leaving in one part of his wife's brain she is thinking why would my husband abandon me AND why would he leave me alone with this studly guy.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

MrK said:


> The blowing off steam part is what would concern me. This is a date, man. Controlling because she wants to date other men and you mention your concerns? NO WAY would my wife be going out with him.
> 
> But give us updates. I want to see how late this date goes. I'm betting until after 2AM.


Yes, she wants to date this single Alpha guy whether she realizes it or not. Who knows what the good bye will end up being.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Damb right your controling....your controling your marriage by protecting it. Don't let her pull that BS and stand your ground.

Stop begging for your marriage and if she can't respect your discomfort well then she can leave.

Make it very clear that if she wants to stay married to you there will be boundries that the both of you will follow. And one of them is you do not go out with female friends, and this also aplies to her also. 

There is no reason she can't wait for you to get back and the both of you can take the handyman out.

Again stand your ground dude and don't let her manage you.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Mephisto said:


> Background: I work away from home for a month at a time and have a small spread of land that I have recently bought and moved my family to. The farm needs a lot of work and I have ben doing what I can, when I can while I am home, but not making enough progress, so I hired a guy to do some of the dumb muscle work around the place. I spent a couple weeks working with him getting a lot of stuff cleared up and I think he is a decent kind of guy. He is single, ex-military, served active duty, general lad's lad.
> 
> I would (not that I did) socialise with him outside of employer/employee scenario, as he has worked around my industry and has travelled and can hold a conversation that goes beyond the weather, sheep, and drugs.... such as the locals do.
> 
> ...


I was trying to find the article on this exact thing, on Athol's blog. It has something to do with never inviting another man into close proximity with your wife like this. It is in his book for sure.

I am going to go out on a limb an say that 80% or better that this scenario would end up with the wife forming a bond with the man. Not saying they would be having sex with them.

I am not saying they have already had sex, but that would not be shocking. Most likely they have bonded and shared moments that you would feel pretty upset about.

Anyway, you allowed this man into your relationship whether you meant to or not. You actually were not controlling enough of the situation.

BUT, to answer your question. No you are not controlling and it is time to tell your wife that this guy is now out of both your lives or you will find it totally unacceptable behavior.

You F'd up my friend. True your logic seemed ok. BUT, you F'd up. Now you have to see if you can put the genie back in the bottle.

Also you should evaluate your job situation IMHO. Long departure like this are very tough on a marriage.

This almost sounds like a female fantasy situation. A studl ranch hand. The young pool boy or the hot gardner.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Um, why don't the two of you take him out to dinner. Why would your wife take a single guy out to dinner? Not appropriate.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

under normal circumstances, and i dont condone what she is trying to do by any means, would say she is wrong for that and should have waited until you were back in town.

in SOME circumstances, i might be tempted to say the husband MIGHT be trying to set up his wife for an ea or pa so he would have a reason to leave her because he might want out but be too much of a wuss to say so on his own.

just a hypothetical situation of course.


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

Yeah, I think I did F up... but lessons learned I guess. My job is one that cannot be done close to home, my work is international and it was something I was doing when we met. 

I do stand my ground, but there is no way to stop her walking out the door to do whatever she likes while I am away. The fact that she says I am controlling her by laying down ground rules, and expecting her to follow them really irks me, as I have a very solid set of rules that I follow whenever I travel. While I am away for work I do not drink, smoke or have anything to do with other women(unless it is work related, and that is very rare) and then it is kept professional and above board. I make time to talk to her every day that I am away and ensure she has everything that she needs to keep her comfortable while I am gone.

The level of disrespect I am seeing in this is borderline deal-breaker attitude. I don't lie to my wife and told her what I wanted before we ever got together, it just seems she is deciding that what was acceptable then is not acceptable now, although she renegged on a lot of what she said she wanted quite early in the piece... which is another thing she thinks I am controlling her with, because I haven't changed my tune one iota from back then.

I know what I want and where I am going, she is aimless and can't follow through on anything that she promises or starts, which in turn makes me less interested in pleasing her every whim. I have read other threads on here about SAHM's gaining a sense of entitlement and I can't help but feel that she is following that path.

I tried getting her to read His Needs, Her Needs, and also Lovebusters and Love Languages as suggested on this forum, as she thinks that the things she does do should have me head over heel in love with her, but she blew that off because "what she wants changes every day" Seriously? How the hell is a guy supposed to chase all that when he isn't having his basic, unchanging needs met?

She told me a lot of things in her big spiel about how I am trying to isolate her on our farm and remove her from her friends, which is so far from the truth it isn't funny. I moved to the town SHE wanted to live in as her parents are nearby and can help her while I am away, but I cannot stand small towns, the mentality of people who have never left their state, let alone travelled the world over is anathaema to me, so as a compromise I bought the farm, allowing us to have a home, something to build on and potentially generate income and a healthier lifestyle. She agreed to all this, and now it is all too isolated and controlling even though it is only 15 mins drive into town, or to her parents..... who also have a farm in the area.

I have lost several friends through my marriage with her, but I am the type who can do that without much of a qualm, especially if the friend is more of an associate than lifetime buddy. I make the effort to be friends with her friends, I don't disrespect them, even though some of them are not living lives that I agree with, but she seems to think she should be able to screen who I socialise with or hang out with. Not that I pursue many friendships, because I seem to have no need to have people around me. I am content with my own company.

She also has referenced many times that I am trying to push her away so that I can claim innocence when the marriage fails..... she has no concept of how your daily thoughts create your reality. If I try to give her good things to think about daily, then I am pressuring her, if I don't then I am ignoring her and bringing her down. I want a wife who works towards making life better for us, just as I am trying to do, I want a wife who will constantly try to improve herself, as I do. I don't care if she isn't working towards a career that earns a million, or towards being healthy and happy, but she falls into a rut and decides I am to blame because I haven't XYZ.....

Gotta ask myself, what is a boy to do? I sure as hell don't want to give up my son, as I enjoy my time with him while I am home, and that is a MAJOR perk of working month-on-month-off. When I am home I can spend plenty of hours with him every day, and when you do the math, it works out to be far more than I would be able to working 10 hours a day and commuting.... I need her to get on board with this, instead of thinking that I am doing everything in my power to hold her down, she needs to realize that I will help her achieve anything, but that is only possible if she will help herself too!

She is a great mother and can be a fantastic friend, she is a strong woman most times, and these are the things that make me stay, but when she gets herself in a tailspin she wants to drag me down, and I don't play that game. I got myself where I am despite things sometimes working against me. I do not let knock-backs hold me down, a lesson I have learned the hard way.

I guess we will see.


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> under normal circumstances, and i dont condone what she is trying to do by any means, would say she is wrong for that and should have waited until you were back in town.
> 
> in SOME circumstances, i might be tempted to say the husband MIGHT be trying to set up his wife for an ea or pa so he would have a reason to leave her because he might want out but be too much of a wuss to say so on his own.
> 
> just a hypothetical situation of course.


Not even close to the mark.... good thing it is hypothetical.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Mephisto said:


> Not even close to the mark.... good thing it is hypothetical.


under some circumstances i might even agree with that as long as the husband is not making the wife feel unattractive because he thinks she is phat then leaving her with a stud alone for a month. 

im certainly not trying to be mean.
i think when something starts to go wrong, people might look to see if they can see where the problem might really lay.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Good background information.

I get your job situation. Ok fine. had to ask. So if that does not change then you have to figure out how to compensate for it. I do applaud for being the bread winner and doing what you have to do. 

I saw at least three things.

1) The obvious attachment your wife has with this guy. It was very predictable. Lesson learned. So now you have to figure out how to deal with it. I really do not think it is a good idea for her to do this while you are out of town. My gut tells me that this one evening could be a make or break for you guys. You need to explain to her that this is important to you and you consider it unacceptable for her to do this. Tell her that you left them together and now realize that a bond has started between them that cannot continue. That you therefore regret this. Obviously you trusted her. So you proved your trust. You just need her to go NC with this guy so this bond does not continue. You are not accusing her of anything wrong. You just realize that she has grown too close to him and she probably does not realize it herself. Which may be the entire truth. So you trust her, but she is emotionally involved so it would be inappropriate for her to continue this way. Because you love her so much you are protecting your marriage from this situation.

2) Ok, so really this ranch thing is probably great but a lot of women would feel the way she does. She feels isolated. This feeling contributed to her bonding with this guy. The thing is if you cannot resolve this with her the odds of her falling into an affir and leaving you are quite high.

3) If you are not in love with your wife and not thinking about her sexually and not longing to be with her when you are gone, she will know this. She needs a man to want her in this way. She will seek this from other men one way or another. Maybe even innocently. But you leave her vulnerable.

In fact in all three above the underlying theme is you are leaving your wife vulnerable to an affair.

I suggest His Needs Her Needs and MMSL 

The MMSL book by Athol is a pretty quick and entertaining read.
This can help your sex life and make you aware of those that would poach your wife and so on. BUT in the longer term HNHN is essential reading. These two books give a balance I think. They support each other. 

You need to figure out how to let your wife live and feel her needs are met without pushing her into another mans arms.

Maybe there will be some creative answers.

Ask yourself, would you be happy all by yourself with this ranch, or would you prefer to be happily married?


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

I am going to go out on a limb here and say the disrespect goes both ways. "Spare tires", "entitled" and listening to her talk about "crap" you don't care about. Surely she picks up on this vibe. I did and I don't live with you.


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> under some circumstances i might even agree with that as long as the husband is not making the wife feel unattractive because he thinks she is phat then leaving her with a stud alone for a month.
> 
> im certainly not trying to be mean.
> i think when something starts to go wrong, people might look to see if they can see where the problem might really lay.


You may think you are playing devils advocate, but in reality you are just trying to push buttons. She had him work for a couple hours a day for a week. He wasn't living there, he was working for us. I worked with him for 2 weeks prior. Some women work with plenty of guys, but they don't chose to go out to dinner and drinks with them, especially when they are married to someone else.

I don't make her feel fat, the unhealthy relationship she has with food does that, I just don't bullsh*t to her and tell her she is gorgeous after gaining 20kg, but I don't rub her nose in it at every opportunity, these days if she broaches the subject, I answer in true form. As I said, I don't lie to her, it was something she knew about me when she came into this relationship. You ask me a question and I will tell you my honest answer. non-PC, perhaps, but that is me.

If YOUR girl was lying through her teeth about things she didn't like, and then suddenly left you because of those things, would you feel cheated because you never had a chance to address them? Or would her saving your feelings up till then be keeping you warm at night?


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Mephisto said:


> You may think you are playing devils advocate, but in reality you are just trying to push buttons.


not true...
just trying to open your eyes to some POSSIBLE problems that you may not realize.
as brighteyes said, women pick up on those things. 
they are far from stupid...in most cases.


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> I am going to go out on a limb here and say the disrespect goes both ways. "Spare tires", "entitled" and listening to her talk about "crap" you don't care about. Surely she picks up on this vibe. I did and I don't live with you.


Oh yes, my disrespect is building. Spare tyres is a description people will understand, it is slightly beyond chubby, good thing I can speak a language to make peole understand what I am talking about.

Entitled? It is the term used on this site and in posts here that generally hints that someone is getting a lot and not willing to do much to EARN it..... I am not saying my wife does nothing, but her behaviour displays distinct airs of entitlement. Is she entitled to go out with another guy because I have to go to work to pay our bills? 

Crap.... local gossip, damn right I don't give a sh*t about small town gossip, who is sleeping with who, who said what to whom, what so and so did to such and such.... as I said, I can't stand small town pettiness. But I listen to her talk about it, I laugh at the silly bits and commiserate with her on others..... I don't like celebrity mags either as they are chock full of braindead CRAP..... you fill your mind with this and you have no room left for the important parts in life. Is it better to live your life vicariously through other's gossip, or to live a life that has people talking in awe?


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

It is very obvious you do not value your wife. You do not speak highly of her and I honestly believe you want out so you are setting her up to fail.

You certainly aren't doing very well on the husband side of things.

If I was your wife I would feel pretty bad. Your husband is supposed to love you and build you up, help give you confidence as a woman.

You pretty much ensure she will be looking to other men to fill those needs. 

I read what you have written and you come across as a very uncaring, unloving, unbending person. And I am not pushing buttons, just not bull****ting you. I just hoping that if you do really value your wife and marriage that you will see this.

You do come across as a man looking for an out, because your wife had a baby and put on some weight.


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Good background information.
> 
> 2) Ok, so really this ranch thing is probably great but a lot of women would feel the way she does. She feels isolated. This feeling contributed to her bonding with this guy. The thing is if you cannot resolve this with her the odds of her falling into an affir and leaving you are quite high.
> 
> ...


I have tried to get her to read the HNHN, but as I said, she blew it off without looking at it.

I am trying to get her to engage on this, but as far as she is concerned she is doing all the work and I am doing none, and I haven't changed since we met...... apparently, if I try to steer her, I am controlling, or manipulating. When I re-assert my boundaries I am overbearing, when I try to engage her with romance I am shot down because of my "expectations." It is a constant struggle of push me pull me, right now it is a BIG push from her.

The farm was bought with her "full" support. I questioned her many times and in many moods about it and IF she was serious that she would be happy there. All were affirmative, because it would be good for US as a family, but now she wants to use it as a reason that is tearing us apart! All in a short couple of months. 

The farm is nothing without a family on it. without them I would not chose to live anywhere near the town we are in. It has nothing going for it, other than her family being nearby. If I wanted to leave my industry and work at home, I would not get a job above minimum wage in that town.

If she is so starved for adult companionship, why did she knock back the idea of having an Au Pair? Is it because they are normally younger girls, and she doesn't want the competition? Probably...... Not that I have ever strayed or tried to stray...


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Mephisto said:


> I have tried to get her to read the HNHN, but as I said, she blew it off without looking at it.
> 
> I am trying to get her to engage on this, but as far as she is concerned she is doing all the work and I am doing none, and I haven't changed since we met...... apparently, if I try to steer her, I am controlling, or manipulating. When I re-assert my boundaries I am overbearing, when I try to engage her with romance I am shot down because of my "expectations." It is a constant struggle of push me pull me, right now it is a BIG push from her.
> 
> ...


HNHN is best done as a couple. The key is for you to be able to sit down with her and have a meaningful discussion. To do that you both have to feel that fundamentally you care for each other and want to be happily married.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Mephisto said:


> Oh yes, my disrespect is building. Spare tyres is a description people will understand, it is slightly beyond chubby, good thing I can speak a language to make peole understand what I am talking about.
> 
> Entitled? It is the term used on this site and in posts here that generally hints that someone is getting a lot and not willing to do much to EARN it..... I am not saying my wife does nothing, but her behaviour displays distinct airs of entitlement. Is she entitled to go out with another guy because I have to go to work to pay our bills?
> 
> Crap.... local gossip, damn right I don't give a sh*t about small town gossip, who is sleeping with who, who said what to whom, what so and so did to such and such.... as I said, I can't stand small town pettiness. But I listen to her talk about it, I laugh at the silly bits and commiserate with her on others..... I don't like celebrity mags either as they are chock full of braindead CRAP..... you fill your mind with this and you have no room left for the important parts in life. Is it better to live your life vicariously through other's gossip, or to live a life that has people talking in awe?


I was not trying to rile you up. You mentioned that she is disrespectful of you and I was pointing out that it sounds like you are of her as well.
I understand that you are upset. I get it. 
I think I am the wrong person to respond as I see this as her wanting a night out and little more. I have zero capacity for cheating so it would never cross my mind that that is what it could lead to. It sounds like she is lonely and having a toddler must be exhausting. It doesn't sound to me like she built up some bond with this guy. It sounds like she just wants to go out. What am I missing here?


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

Syrum said:


> It is very obvious you do not value your wife. You do not speak highly of her and I honestly believe you want out so you are setting her up to fail.
> 
> You certainly aren't doing very well on the husband side of things.
> 
> ...


I am pissed off and venting, allow me that much in this. 

And for the record, the weight came BEFORE the baby, she lost it while pregnant, and stacked it all back on and then some after he was born.

Call me uncaring, unloving and unbending if you will, but I bend plenty to meet her wants.... and I call them that because when I meet them they change and it makes no difference to our relationship, so obviously it wasn't a need. I care plenty about her and want the the best for her, but with that care comes responsibility to fill some of MY cup. There is plenty of love sitting there waiting, but the dam wall that has been built in defence has to be pulled down to get at it.

We have butted heads over this before Syrum. The best analogy I can give you is that it is like driving a car down a freeway at night, first the tyre blows and then the lights go out. I am driving with a blown tyre and cant see which way to go, she is yanking the wheel trying to steer even tho she cant see the road either, I cant jump on the brake, coz that will crash the car. I gotta keep going, find some light so I can see the path find somewhere safe to fix the tyre so we can travel along happily again. Her weight is the tyre, her changing wants is her grabbing at the wheel, Her needs are the blown lights. Leaving is the brake.

I am here looking for some guidance towards a place with light, but it is very hard to get there with all that yanking on the wheel.

Yes, I am the driver, I control my direction. But I am not about to jump the brakes because that is a fatal error.

Now, how bout a light?

I am driving here, I need to see


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> HNHN is best done as a couple. The key is for you to be able to sit down with her and have a meaningful discussion. To do that you both have to feel that fundamentally you care for each other and want to be happily married.


As I said.... tried that. I will try again, but of course, because it comes from me it is manipulation and control.


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> I was not trying to rile you up. You mentioned that she is disrespectful of you and I was pointing out that it sounds like you are of her as well.
> I understand that you are upset. I get it.
> I think I am the wrong person to respond as I see this as her wanting a night out and little more. I have zero capacity for cheating so it would never cross my mind that that is what it could lead to. It sounds like she is lonely and having a toddler must be exhausting. It doesn't sound to me like she built up some bond with this guy. It sounds like she just wants to go out. What am I missing here?


No problem TRBE. I truly hope it is nothing more than that.... however, she could have had that with her friends instead of with this guy, especially seeing as I TOLD her her I was not comfortable with that.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Mephisto said:


> No problem TRBE. I truly hope it is nothing more than that.... however, she could have had that with her friends instead of with this guy, especially seeing as I TOLD her her I was not comfortable with that.


Fair enough. Let me ask you, you mentioned that there is/was something about him you cannot put your finger on. Do you think he is coming on to your wife or are you just worried that he is there with her? From what you posted, it doesn't sound like the two of them have anything going on or looking for such. Is it more your fear or is there some niggling feeling you have? :scratchhead:


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Fair enough. Let me ask you, you mentioned that there is/was something about him you cannot put your finger on. Do you think he is coming on to your wife or are you just worried that he is there with her? From what you posted, it doesn't sound like the two of them have anything going on or looking for such. Is it more your fear or is there some niggling feeling you have? :scratchhead:


I know he has seen and done things that normal men cant and wouldn't do during his active service, he carries scars from that and I am not certain of what he could do or would do, I trust my wife, I do not think that anything would happen between them, but I just have a feeling that there is another side to him. It could be violence, it could be a lot of things. 

As I said earlier, I actually like the guy and would be happy to meet up with him for a few beers, I am not worried about me, as I am used to dealing with hard bast*rds, but something niggling at the back of my mind that my wife should not be in that position, whether it be jealousy(extremely rare for me, thus I don't recognize it) or a recognition of a man who could be dangerous and is in my opinion, quite capable. This could of course come back to an Alpha dog syndrome. I do have good instincts when it comes to men, but border on aspergers in personal relationships with them  

Either way, my instincts ell me she should not have gone there. Which she did, and was back at her other friends place by 9pm...


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Mephisto said:


> I know he has seen and done things that normal men cant and wouldn't do during his active service, he carries scars from that and I am not certain of what he could do or would do, I trust my wife, I do not think that anything would happen between them, but I just have a feeling that there is another side to him. It could be violence, it could be a lot of things.
> 
> As I said earlier, I actually like the guy and would be happy to meet up with him for a few beers, I am not worried about me, as I am used to dealing with hard bast*rds, but something niggling at the back of my mind that my wife should not be in that position, whether it be jealousy(extremely rare for me, thus I don't recognize it) or a recognition of a man who could be dangerous and is in my opinion, quite capable. This could of course come back to an Alpha dog syndrome. I do have good instincts when it comes to men, but border on aspergers in personal relationships with them
> 
> Either way, my instincts ell me she should not have gone there. Which she did, and was back at her other friends place by 9pm...


He could be a really good guy and still fall for your wife. Or who knows. I think they are having an EA. I don;t care how good a guy he is. If he and she are in an EA, throw that out the door. It is chemical.


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## roamingmind (Jul 20, 2011)

Mephisto,

Read your posts and others' replies. I do NOT see you are unloving, uncaring, unbending.. What I see is your being responsible, respectful, considerate and assertive ,and being upset. 

I can see and understand why you are upset with your wife insisting on dining out with the guy. She should not. 

But it sounds to me, this is just a trigger that has unplugged all the disappointments you have bottled up towards her-- I understand how it feels as well because if I were you, I would feel the same way-- you have expectations from her, reasonable ones if I have to say but she is falling short by refusing to improve herself . It's only nature to feel frustrated.

You also feel unapprecaited, taken for granted, and very likely are falling out of love with her --- I might be wrong but that's what I get from what you posted. I believe you have every reason to feel that way from what you said about her. As a result, you are doing what a husband and father is supposed to you ( by your standards and values) but doing so without affection. 

With that all said --- What was she like when you first met? What was she like when you were married? Was she carrying around the "spare tyre" then? 

I think Entrope3000 made some very good points -- your wife isn't necessary looking for an affair; but she needs some assurance and attention that she is not getting from you. 

She is a housewife -- housewife is a very exhuasting job and often unappreciated. You might have underestimated what is involved. 
You mentioned you two met because of your job. Does it mean she was in business then as well? If so, that will be a very dramatic change-- she probably isn't too fond of her current role , feeling trapped, unfufilled, and possibly depressed and resentful; you being away from her often doesn't help either. She probably can't articulate these emotions yet or even worse, she probably thinks herself a failure , without a career, finacially dependant...etc., thus unwillying to face it and instead, indulges herself in negative behaviors and blame it on you ---ultimately, you are the reason she has become a housewife. 

What she is doing is not appropriate, but it sounds more like a revenge.

I would say -- try not to be too upset. When she comes home, talk to her but only do so calmly. Tell her you are concerned. Ask her if she had a good time, a genuine question, not interrogation, not mocking, not judging. Tell her you appreciate what she does at house, raising your kid; ask her if she is happy; tell her you might be ignoring some her emotional needs, but she needs to tell you so you won't misunderstand them....etc,etc.

I might be completely off...but you do need to view things in your wife's shoes and try to understand how she feels. 
Best luck.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

roamingmind said:


> Mephisto,
> 
> Read your posts and others' replies. I do NOT see you are unloving, uncaring, unbending.. What I see is your being responsible, respectful, considerate and assertive ,and being upset.
> 
> ...


I would not put up with revenge. I would not be asking her if she had a good time. The locks would be changed on the ranch door.

I understand she may not be looking for an affair. She does not get to date anyway.

The point about her not looking for an affair is meant to convey that she can be innocent but fall into one anyway. So you do not enable it.

Yes, he probably needs to look at things from her view. What he is doing now is not working.


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## Veryfaithfulwife (Jul 23, 2011)

MrK said:


> The blowing off steam part is what would concern me. This is a date, man. Controlling because she wants to date other men and you mention your concerns? NO WAY would my wife be going out with him.
> 
> But give us updates. I want to see how late this date goes. I'm betting until after 2AM.


I actually got back to my friends in town, who I would have preferred to have spent the night talking trash with, at 9pm, I met the guy at 7.45!!! It was not a date, but a business dinner. He wanted to shout me a feed, and would have shouted us both had OH been home, for being such good bosses...yeah, the both of us!!!


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Veryfaithfulwife said:


> I actually got back to my friends in town, who I would have preferred to have spent the night talking trash with, at 9pm, I met the guy at 7.45!!! It was not a date, but a business dinner. He wanted to shout me a feed, and would have shouted us both had OH been home, for being such good bosses...yeah, the both of us!!!


Mrs Mephisto?

Just wondering what your take is on your relationship, how you feel about your husband and how he treats you?

How do you feel everything is going?


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## Veryfaithfulwife (Jul 23, 2011)

Syrum said:


> Tell her you do trust her.
> 
> You trusted her when you married her.
> You trusted that she would put your feelings first and you would come before all other men.
> ...


My DH does come before all men. 

He has major trust issues due to having women treat him like dirt in the past. I am basically paying for something these other women got away with. I have NEVER cheated on a partner and I never will. I have many platonic male friends, always have, always will. Does NOT mean I want to jump everysingle one of them if I spent 'an extended period of time with them' Simply not attracted to them, I am however attracted to my husband , but because I have put on 15kg since we met 6 years ago, though I am tall and an Australian size 16, though I can get away with some size 14's, he finds me disgusting and repulsive and is not shy to tell me he thinks this. I feel sexy as I know I am a goodlooking woman, admittedly not happy with my weight but I do suffer from emotional eating binges usually triggered by my husband finding me repulsive and drooling over Megan Fox!

I was not 'getting close' to this man. It was simply a dinner at a pub, ffs we didnt even get a table to eat, we sat at the bar like a couple of tradie workmates. Did my husband tell you guys that one of the things he likes about me is that I can be quite blokey and enjoy a good laugh with the blokes as well as dressing up nice and being the feminine wife for him? Yeah maybe he should have.


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## Veryfaithfulwife (Jul 23, 2011)

Wheels65 said:


> Almost every time I hear someone mention their spouse saying the are "controlling" it is due to an emotional affair, physical affair or there is just a total disconnect in the marriage.
> 
> I agree with jayde, why not the both of you take this fellow out as a show of appreciation?
> 
> She should respect your position and accept it provided you have never been a controlling person in the past.


NO affair here. But total disconnect there may well could be. Its hard to maintain a happy connected marriage with a man who works on the other side of the world for more time than he is home, you have a child to raise, a part time job to work, a farm to organise, a house to design, a garden to get in order, friends and family to remain intouch with, a dog and cat to look after, and a husband who finds you repulsive and talks more about his relationship to a bunch of strangers on and internet forum than he does to his partner and when his partner talks to him all he see's is her spare tyres that havent shifted in a few years and decided that until I lose them he refuses to take anyoart in changing himself for the betterment of the relationship.


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## Veryfaithfulwife (Jul 23, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Yes. This was absolutlely predictable. I understand his rationale. BUT he left another man ... probably a real studly Alpha guy if he is doing this type of work, alone with his wife to bond with. In fact lets give them both the benefit of the doubt for a second. This scenario set them up for an EA. It is natural. They were working hard together and started meeting each others needs. She was isolated from her husband. There had to be a sexual tension at least.
> 
> Also in this scenario whether a man is doing his job or not, by leaving in one part of his wife's brain she is thinking why would my husband abandon me AND why would he leave me alone with this studly guy.


SOme women may find the worker attractive, I guys he is good looking but I was not attracted to him. We did get along and had a laugh and enjoyed each others company, but that was it. I have worked with many men in my life as a married and single woman and I can say to this day I have never had sexual relations with a workmate. I dont mix business and pleasure. We are trying to start some kind of working farm here, its small but we have all the infrastructure for a small scale agriculture operation we also plan to renovate the house. I feel that, due to my husband going away for work I will be dealing with contractors and employees and buyers and sellers and a lot of them are going to be male... I think it is controlling and very unreasonable for my husband to expect for me to not form any sort of business based friendships with these people. Ideally DH will always be here do go out for end of job dinners but I hardly think that is going to happen. I do not feel that my husband abandons me, I knew the nature of his work before I married him, I accept it and he has to know that it takes a strong independent woman to be a faithful wife to a man in his industry.


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## Veryfaithfulwife (Jul 23, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Yes, she wants to date this single Alpha guy whether she realizes it or not. Who knows what the good bye will end up being.


The good bye was a thank you hug and a kiss on the cheek.... I hug and kiss many of my friends male or female. It does not mean I secretly want to date them all... no really it doesnt.


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## Veryfaithfulwife (Jul 23, 2011)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> under normal circumstances, and i dont condone what she is trying to do by any means, would say she is wrong for that and should have waited until you were back in town.
> 
> in SOME circumstances, i might be tempted to say the husband MIGHT be trying to set up his wife for an ea or pa so he would have a reason to leave her because he might want out but be too much of a wuss to say so on his own.
> 
> just a hypothetical situation of course.


Hmmmmmmmmmm maybe. I hope not as I do love him, I do respect him. I love our child and our little life, yep sometimes I get a little bored but what housewife doesnt? Thing is I have led the party life I have slept with loads of men, before I met DH, meh its way overrated and I much prefer the fun and knowing of having a long term partner you can count on and have a laugh with.


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## Veryfaithfulwife (Jul 23, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> I am going to go out on a limb here and say the disrespect goes both ways. "Spare tires", "entitled" and listening to her talk about "crap" you don't care about. Surely she picks up on this vibe. I did and I don't live with you.


OMG THANK YOU!!!!!


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## Veryfaithfulwife (Jul 23, 2011)

Syrum said:


> It is very obvious you do not value your wife. You do not speak highly of her and I honestly believe you want out so you are setting her up to fail.
> 
> You certainly aren't doing very well on the husband side of things.
> 
> ...


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Listen, Mephisto, and all good men reading this.

Do NOT invite into your life another male.

Especially a male that is going to be spending much time with your woman.

Especially a male spending much time with your woman that is doing male things. This includes the heavy work around the house, or building things, or the "personal trainer", or the private "tennis instructor" etc. etc. etc.

Just don't do it!

Take this to the bank, that is inviting trouble, even to the most trusting and sincere and modest woman, this is only going to start an EA guaranteed on some level, and most likely a PA.


And Mephisto, your wife is wanting to go on a date with this man, do not allow it. That is unacceptable.

Be firm on this, do not back down, do not listen to "too controlling" or "not trusting" or any other accusations.

Treat this as an EA at the minimum.

I wish you well.


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## Veryfaithfulwife (Jul 23, 2011)

Mephisto said:


> If she is so starved for adult companionship, why did she knock back the idea of having an Au Pair? Is it because they are normally younger girls, and she doesn't want the competition? Probably...... Not that I have ever strayed or tried to stray...


I knocked back the Aupair because we didnt buy the cafe and I really dont think we need one considering I only work 1 maybe 2 days a week!!!! Oh and I can really see the cute little 18 yearold fresh out of high school au pair outside digging weeds out of the paddock with a mattick or ripping up 2 foot high grass behind the shed with a simple hoe!!!! FFS you've gone insane!!! Where did me pre TAM husband go?


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## Veryfaithfulwife (Jul 23, 2011)

BigBadWolf said:


> Listen, Mephisto, and all good men reading this.
> 
> Do NOT invite into your life another male.
> 
> ...


Listen here mate, dinner and 2 drinks at the local pub after 3 weeks of working together IS NOT A DATE. 

YOu people are all living in a world of fear and negativity, your thriving on it and unfortunatley my husband has gotten himself a little bit sucked in by all your 'helpful opinions' Your not all out to help but dwell in and on some one elses misery because you have nothing better to do with your lives.


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## Veryfaithfulwife (Jul 23, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> HNHN is best done as a couple. The key is for you to be able to sit down with her and have a meaningful discussion. To do that you both have to feel that fundamentally you care for each other and want to be happily married.


He showed it to me and then went back to his more important 'job' of playing stupid flash games in his computer. I would have liked to sit down with him and look at it but because he had read it first he thought he could just put it in front of my face and expect me to be as excited and thrilled by it as he was..... he's not a very good communicator when it comes to 'all this emotional crap'


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## Veryfaithfulwife (Jul 23, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> I was not trying to rile you up. You mentioned that she is disrespectful of you and I was pointing out that it sounds like you are of her as well.
> I understand that you are upset. I get it.
> I think I am the wrong person to respond as I see this as her wanting a night out and little more. I have zero capacity for cheating so it would never cross my mind that that is what it could lead to. It sounds like she is lonely and having a toddler must be exhausting. It doesn't sound to me like she built up some bond with this guy. It sounds like she just wants to go out. What am I missing here?


Your not missing ANYTHING!! Thats exactly what it was. Our son is in daycare on fridays, and it just so happened that my parents were picking him up and having him friday night and saturday as I had to work saturday (mind my waitressing job is not nearly as important as DH's big international earning 95% of the household income job) anyway I mentioned this to worker on Thursday and as he is a decent bloke who can understand who boring it could get living my life said ' do you wana got to a pub in town for dinner on Friday then?' I thought about it, I though about dh's reaction and thought well they got along too and I'm sure he knows him well enough and me well enough to a; trust us b; know that this guy is so not my type c; understand that nights off for me come very rarely, as do opportunities to 'go out' as most of my friends have kids too now so we go and sit in some ones shed infront of the fire and play backgammon or singstar for fun. SO I made the decision that yeah why not, I fed you bloody well while you were here doing crap jobs for us dude so yeah if you wanna shout me dinner to thank me for being a good boss then I'll accept a free feed that I DONT HAVE TO COOK!!! 
I told my dh what was happening via skype as that it the way we communicate, not thinking there would be a problem as I had no intention of it being anything more than what it was. I was met with "I dont like you going on a 'date night' with a guy' I was like WTF??? Are you joking??? Its not a date its dinner between to workmates, a boss and employee... Anyway After he made it clear he was not joking I got upset as we have had the 'trust' issue rear its ugly head a few times now... he was cheated on a few times from what I can gather. I however have never cheated EA PA or whatever on anyone of my partners, yet even after 6 years together I still cop it when dh is feeling insecure about something. Thank you for your support. Not all women are weak willed slackarse money grabbing lazy *****es....maybe more men should realize that.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Mrs Mephisto,

I don't think I'm bitter and twisted, I just don't think that putting your self alone with members of the opposite sex are a good idea. That doesn't mean I think you would have cheated on him. Please don't take what i am saying the wrong way.

However from reading your posts and your husbands I find it clear that he has some real issues regarding wanting a 'perfect' looking wife, and does not value you.

I am not saying that you have no issues. 

I just find his way of thinking to be very harmful to a loving relationship. 

I think a really good man is truly attracted to his wife from inside out, and it's more about who she is then looks. 

He is pushing you away and treating you in a manner that is quite cruel. He may find you repulsive but I can bet there are hundreds of men who would find you very sexy. A size 16 Australian is like an American size 12. That really isn't very big.

Seriously, what happens as you age, have more children and things happen to your body beyond your control.

What happens if something happens to him and he starts to put on weight or loses his hair or any of the hundreds of things that can happen to a man. What if you found him repulsive?

I also agree that his treatment of you is very harmful to your self esteem, and rather then helping you lose wight it has the opposite effect. This happens to most people with weight issues if put down.

He is after all supposed to be the one to comfort you and love you, the one that makes everything OK, and makes you want to be a great wife for him. I don't feel he is doing that at all. 

He calls it no bull****ting, I call it cruel and abusive.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Funny, whenever people say "Trust me!" and get insulted if I don't, I always tell them that it's never about who I trust, but what I trust them to do. Trust is earned, it's not something I can choose to give. Same with respect. I can't just trust or respect someone just because they told me to.

In this situation I would have no fear of the missus with a male friend of hers, but that's only because she's earned it, knowing her all these years. I'm normally suspicious and untrusting even, yet I trust my wife in this. Go figure, once trust is there, it's there to stay. Besides I believe instincts are subconscious observations and thoughts pooling together what your conscious mind has missed - it's very useful.

@Veryfaithfulwife

Erm... Mephisto is your hubby? O.O

HOLY SH-T! :rofl: (Ok sorry it's not funny... but damn!)
Hell if the missus finds me here it's doomsday lol


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## Veryfaithfulwife (Jul 23, 2011)

roamingmind said:


> Mephisto,
> 
> Read your posts and others' replies. I do NOT see you are unloving, uncaring, unbending.. What I see is your being responsible, respectful, considerate and assertive ,and being upset.
> 
> ...


i agree with much of what you say, but it was NOT REVENGE, simply 2 adult humans getting a feed at a local pub.... nothing more nothing less. If I wanted revenge I could easily go out and take it but I dont think I would be very proud of myself for a few different reasons.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Veryfaithfulwife said:


> i agree with much of what you say, but it was NOT REVENGE, simply 2 adult humans getting a feed at a local pub.... nothing more nothing less. If I wanted revenge I could easily go out and take it but I dont think I would be very proud of myself for a few different reasons.


That is called a dinner date.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Feel free to start your own thread to justify what ever you must justify.

It will be much better than continuing to clutter Mephisto's thread.

Have a nice day. 



Veryfaithfulwife said:


> Listen here mate, dinner and 2 drinks at the local pub after 3 weeks of working together IS NOT A DATE.
> 
> YOu people are all living in a world of fear and negativity, your thriving on it and unfortunatley my husband has gotten himself a little bit sucked in by all your 'helpful opinions' Your not all out to help but dwell in and on some one elses misery because you have nothing better to do with your lives.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Veryfaithfulwife said:


> He showed it to me and then went back to his more important 'job' of playing stupid flash games in his computer. I would have liked to sit down with him and look at it but because he had read it first he thought he could just put it in front of my face and expect me to be as excited and thrilled by it as he was..... he's not a very good communicator when it comes to 'all this emotional crap'


And that will not work. Well let me elaborate. It will not work optimally becasue the HNHN is bets doe as a couple. It helps couples begin to talk about things that before would just blow up on them. In my opinion HNHN is essential reading period. BUT, the couple doing the HNHN ends up duscussing, defining and agreeing to boundaries.

You guys have other issues for sure. The immediate discussion about this OM is about boundaries. If you guys have not done this already I suggest it is worth doing and can prevent this type of problem in the future.

Sooo, even if he just threw the book your way, it is gold. READ IT if you want to help your marriage. If he has already read it then you can go back over together as a couple.

Doung the HNHN together shows a commitment to each other. Maybe in a small way but you have to start somewhere. This is a good place to start.

I do find this argument you are having with your husband to be about much more than this date. It is for sure about boundaries. I just would suggest that this is not the hill to die on for you. Pick something else where you are more firmly being a good partner and just standing up for yourself. This is not it.


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## Veryfaithfulwife (Jul 23, 2011)

Syrum said:


> Mrs Mephisto,
> 
> I don't think I'm bitter and twisted, I just don't think that putting your self alone with members of the opposite sex are a good idea. That doesn't mean I think you would have cheated on him. Please don't take what i am saying the wrong way.
> 
> ...


Yeah, I feel quite emotionally abused at times, but yes I do have my own issues and I am not happy with myself for my overweightness. I am hoping that by being here on this farm, not being temppted to just walk across the park to the supermarket every day and getting outside and investing my time and energy to fix this place up so when we go to sell it we will make a decent profit.... well he will.... DH had quite a hard upbringing and I dont think his parents ever showed him any affection so he by default thinks its all bs..... especially being a man. I know its not my problem really but generally he is a great man and i would really just like for him to look at himself instead of putting all the blame on me and my fat arse...... I want him to watch our son thrive with all the love I shower on him and think..... hang on all this affection is not such a bad thing, all these emotions my son brings out in me are not bs. I slod thing he is increadibly jealous that I 'get' to stay home with our beautiful son all the time and he may be angling for an out of his chosen work in a way he can take blame away from himself. TBH the money he earns is fantastic and he does get 3 weeks home to play with his son...i doubt he would be able to enjoy that much time with him if he were to earn anywhere near as close as he does now and not go offshore to work, my earning capacity is much lower than his, not that I am afraid of hard work just didnt apply myself when I was younger. Ideally dh will do this work for another few years and then we will have paid off most of this place and be earning enough off this to survive so he can have a break for a while... but that doesnt help him missing his son now does it? Its all fuct up today!!!!! well has been for a while.... and I'm very tired as I have been staying up the last few nights to watch the tour de france as our Aussie Cadel is in with a very good chance to take it home!!! I'm more excited about that than going out for dinner with the handy man....... but thats not nearly as controversial now is it....

Oh and thank you for your support. I love my husband but he does think pretty highly of himself and needs to be brought back to earth sometimes and I cant seem to do it all the time now that my energy has shifted to mummy mode..... nice to hear others asking him to question himself too.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I have to admit, now that Mrs. Mephisto is here, things are a bit more interesting, to the point I got inspired to read the last few pages! Just a few things actually...



> Thing is I have led the party life I have slept with loads of men, before I met DH, meh its way overrated and I much prefer the fun and knowing of having a long term partner you can count on and have a laugh with.


You sound like the missus, that's something that does make me trust her heaps, she's been there, done that, now willing to settle down.

Anyways you mentioned your husband has been hurt in the past, unfortunately this is something that you have to deal with. The missus herself knew that gaining my trust was impossible but kept with it over the years and earned it. I've also admittedly tested her repeatedly; they weren't tests designed to see whether I would stick with her or not, but to get to know her personality. She passed each one and even more.

Despite the issues we have (she's a nympho), trust is something we really cherish in our relationship. Well... I do anyways, unfortunately I bruised her trust in me years ago, and it's impossible for her to completely 100% trust me again (That's the funny thing about trust, it accepts nothing shy of perfection)

And you're both aussie? Heck I had no idea, I thought everyone here was Americans (which come to think of it would be what I say if the missus finds me and goes "OMFG WHAT THE F--K?! lol)
As for your hubby, please keep in mind that him being here is not being malicious but he is concerned about your marriage and don't hold it too harsh against him.


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## Veryfaithfulwife (Jul 23, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> I would not put up with revenge. I would not be asking her if she had a good time. The locks would be changed on the ranch door.
> 
> I understand she may not be looking for an affair. She does not get to date anyway.
> 
> ...


Seriously??? DO you consider all wives that stupid that they will accidently just jump into bed with any man they meet who is not their husband? I'm sure if I chose to have an affair it would be a contemplated and considered decision that would not be taken lightly. I take marriage very seriously, dh whoever finds it an inconvenience and just 'a stupid bit of paper' And again in MY world women and men can be platonic friends with NO DESIRE TO HAVE SEX OR RUIN THEIR MARRIAGES FOR A FEW UNCOMFORTABLE ENCOUNTERS IN THE BACK SEAT OF A CAR, and going out for dinner is nothing more than that and definately NOT A DATE!!!! We dont really 'date' in rural Australia anyway.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Veryfaithfulwife said:


> Listen here mate, dinner and 2 drinks at the local pub after 3 weeks of working together IS NOT A DATE.
> 
> YOu people are all living in a world of fear and negativity, your thriving on it and unfortunatley my husband has gotten himself a little bit sucked in by all your 'helpful opinions' Your not all out to help but dwell in and on some one elses misery because you have nothing better to do with your lives.


It is by definition a date.

My wife has never given any reason to not trust her. We are doing very well.

If she proposed this I would tell her that this was not acceptable to me. The appropriate thing is for you and your husband to take this guy to dinner. You guys as a couple. Anything else is way inappropriate.

Me thinks you protest too much. This is way too important to you. Remeber that sexual seduction likes isolation. Isolation in this case from the husband with the OM.

Instiigation, Isolation, Escalation.

There would be no Isolation without Instigation. So this has ocurred already. 

Boundary crossed -- check.

Now going out on a date, and yes that is what it is a level of isolation.

Boundary crossed -- check.

So then the Escalation as a result of dinner. All it has to do is to suggest the taking of the relationship to the next level. That could happen during dinner. Just the look. The vibe. Oooh the fun and intimacy of seduction. It almost feels like cheating. Ooops ... it is, but the unfaithful party will not see it that way. Umm. I have been there. I know. If you are not purposely lying to your husband you are at least delluding yourself.

Anyway, you are having at least an EA. 

Your husband may be a total jerk. If so ... divorce him. Then go have your fun with other men. Otherwise you are just being unfaithful, which is not just an offense to your husband. You devalue yourself. You will deny this all the way to your back with legs in the air.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Veryfaithfulwife said:


> Seriously??? DO you consider all wives that stupid that they will accidently just jump into bed with any man they meet who is not their husband? I'm sure if I chose to have an affair it would be a contemplated and considered decision that would not be taken lightly. I take marriage very seriously, dh whoever finds it an inconvenience and just 'a stupid bit of paper' And again in MY world women and men can be platonic friends with NO DESIRE TO HAVE SEX OR RUIN THEIR MARRIAGES FOR A FEW UNCOMFORTABLE ENCOUNTERS IN THE BACK SEAT OF A CAR, and going out for dinner is nothing more than that and definately NOT A DATE!!!! We dont really 'date' in rural Australia anyway.


This is about you and your husband. Not all wives. Nice try with redirection / deflection BTW.

I am as serious as I can be. The act that you are suggesting in itself is disrespectful of your husband. It is being unfaithful no matter what else you do.

Going out socially with an other man is a date. So you can say no it is not all you want. You can use ALL CAPS all you want. You are just acting out like a spoiled child. No that is not right, you are acting out like a neglected child. Either is a bad thing.

I am not saying you will go to the back seat of his car that night. I am saying you are in an EA. How long it takes to get your back is anyone's guess. We are just saying you are taking a step into infidelity.

Again this is way too important to you to not be an indicator that it is inappropriate.


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## Veryfaithfulwife (Jul 23, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> I have to admit, now that Mrs. Mephisto is here, things are a bit more interesting, to the point I got inspired to read the last few pages! Just a few things actually...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I know he is just concerned for our marriage, but he needs to a) NOT GO ABOUT THE INTERNET ASKING RANDOM DUDES who personally I dont think have his or my best interests at heart..... comon I dont me you personally but it IS and internet forum and we all now how fun it is to stir the pot on these things sometimes...... 

b) TRUST ME!!!!! I'm not stupid, I've done the **** thing and know that its not all its cracked up to be

c) really listen to the things I'm not happy about in the relationship and take action... not just wait till I lose these 15 kgs then maybe start looking at himself to change. He can be very arrogant and his eg gets the better of him a hell of a lot..... which i do find annoying and repulsive...... hey I just had a thought ..... seeya


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## Veryfaithfulwife (Jul 23, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> It is by definition a date.
> 
> My wife has never given any reason to not trust her. We are doing very well.
> 
> ...



Mmmm and I'm sure your wife is exactly where you want her to be. Under your thumb and not putting a foot out of place.... or else you will what was it 'Change the locks to the ranch' tell her to leave...

Please refrain with your sexist advice to my husband. Its men like you who are making him think things that are not real and will never be real. Your toxic and its not really helpfull. Bye bye


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

a) This forum is not a social forum, most people who come here come for anonymous advice for issues that can not be solved by their spouses, counsellors, friends or family. It is true that hey, no one knows anyone here, so for accurate advice it can be difficult, but it's our own job to determine what is good or bad advice -> either way, we get advice. That is the purpose of this forum.

When I first joined this forum the missus and I has had some real serious inter-religious issues to deal with, and she's extremely manipulative in a way where she can really play the game of politics and get more people on her side then I - attempting to get her way. This forum has hence helped me heaps and now we've solved every issue except one.

b) As I mentioned before, you don't ask for trust, you earn it. Just like the missus did.

c) This I can agree with regardless.

BTW, off topic, interesting username btw, Veryfaithfulwife, I actually wonder what the missus would choose as a username if she found me here... but if she chose "Darth Wifey" then too bad, it's already copyrighted! It's MY term for her lol! Sorry, I still can't get over the fact you found him, how did you manage anyways? I admit I am a tad worried :rofl:


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## Veryfaithfulwife (Jul 23, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> a) This forum is not a social forum, most people who come here come for anonymous advice for issues that can not be solved by their spouses, counsellors, friends or family. It is true that hey, no one knows anyone here, so for accurate advice it can be difficult, but it's our own job to determine what is good or bad advice -> either way, we get advice. That is the purpose of this forum.
> 
> When I first joined this forum the missus and I has had some real serious inter-religious issues to deal with, and she's extremely manipulative in a way where she can really play the game of politics and get more people on her side then I - attempting to get her way. This forum has hence helped me heaps and now we've solved every issue except one.
> 
> ...


I know he goes on here. We dont have many secrets..... well internet banking passwords and stuff we did with other partners before we met, I am really mad at him for coming on here with this NON ISSUE. and I do think he has been reading to much into things since he has come on here. I go on a parenting forum and I do like to stir the pot about social issues but I dont give or expect to get relationship advice from a bunch of randoms who as i said before may not have any ones best interests at heart except their own. 

I very rarely talk to my friends or family about my relationship with my husband, I made that mistake with a previous boyfriend and got to involved with caring what my friends thought of my partner..... I have suggested counselling but dh thinks its crap and doesnt what some stranger telling him whats wrong with him.... ahem.... babe... whats the difference....? except a therapist is usually qualified....


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Veryfaithfulwife said:


> Mmmm and I'm sure your wife is exactly where you want her to be. Under your thumb and not putting a foot out of place.... or else you will what was it 'Change the locks to the ranch' tell her to leave...
> 
> Please refrain with your sexist advice to my husband. Its men like you who are making him think things that are not real and will never be real. Your toxic and its not really helpfull. Bye bye


My wife is where I need her to be. Very happy and satisfied.

Boundaries. Look into it.

Also, look into Tough Love. That is what you are getting. If we did not care about helping folks in trouble, we would not be wasting our time on this thread.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Hey we're not all malicious! Most people come here with problems, and sometimes it's nice to know others are going through similar things or issues - sometimes that's all the help one gets from this forum, and it's enough (and better, because online folk CANT snitch)

Don't be mad with him over this... I am curious though, where is he now? lol

Besides it's not like he's running around going "Help! My wife rapes me!" "She's too demanding!" which is pretty much what I do -> she'll definitely be chasing me around the house kicking my ass if she finds me here talking about her even though it's with anonymous folk. What your hubby did here is minor.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Veryfaithfulwife said:


> I actually got back to my friends in town, who I would have preferred to have spent the night talking trash with, at 9pm, I met the guy at 7.45!!! It was not a date, but a business dinner. He wanted to shout me a feed, and would have shouted us both had OH been home, for being such good bosses...yeah, the both of us!!!


Ah. So you already did this inspite of your husbands wishes.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

BigBadWolf said:


> Listen, Mephisto, and all good men reading this.
> 
> *Do NOT invite into your life another male.
> 
> ...


Smart advice to any man who cherishes his relationship with his wife.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> It is by definition a date.
> 
> My wife has never given any reason to not trust her. We are doing very well.
> 
> ...


Absolutely spot on, Entropy. 

@Veryfaithfulwife: You would be very wise to listen to this post and take it to heart. 

An EA rarely begins with the intention to cheat. You say you have no intention of cheating. Unfortunately, that doesn't make much difference. It begins under the guise of friendship, of shared interests, and escalates from there. Creating boundaries in your marriage to ensure that this doesn't occur is *essential*.


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## Veryfaithfulwife (Jul 23, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> Hey we're not all malicious! Most people come here with problems, and sometimes it's nice to know others are going through similar things or issues - sometimes that's all the help one gets from this forum, and it's enough (and better, because online folk CANT snitch)
> 
> Don't be mad with him over this... I am curious though, where is he now? lol
> 
> Besides it's not like he's running around going "Help! My wife rapes me!" "She's too demanding!" which is pretty much what I do -> she'll definitely be chasing me around the house kicking my ass if she finds me here talking about her even though it's with anonymous folk. What your hubby did here is minor.


He is at work, on shift. 

I think it is a matter of opinion as to whether its minor or not.....


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> An EA rarely begins with the intention to cheat. You say you have no intention of cheating. Unfortunately, that doesn't make much difference. It begins under the guise of friendship, of shared interests, and escalates from there.


Mmmm reminds me of how the missus stole me from my ex years ago before marriage actually.

She and I were just best mates, but with the ex continuing to act up trying to split me from a good mate and with others doing all the suggesting and hinting for us (through their suspicions) I ended up breaking up with my ex... and fast forward later, ramming my best mate... who became my wife. :rofl:

Heh

But I guess considering the missus and I are still best mates who do pretty much everything together we don't have this problem or worries of other people being 'potential mates turned lovers' thing.



> He is at work, on shift.


Oh what I would do if only I could see the look on his face!

Speaking of which, you had better take pictures!!! :rofl:


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## Veryfaithfulwife (Jul 23, 2011)

MGirl said:


> Absolutely spot on, Entropy.
> 
> @Veryfaithfulwife: You would be very wise to listen to this post and take it to heart.
> 
> An EA rarely begins with the intention to cheat. You say you have no intention of cheating. Unfortunately, that doesn't make much difference. It begins under the guise of friendship, of shared interests, and escalates from there. Creating boundaries in your marriage to ensure that this doesn't occur is *essential*.


No I'm sorry I dont agree. I dont think that Entropy has any right to suggest that I am having or did have or will have an emotional affair with this man. FFS arent adults of the opposite sex allowed to get along anymore? Does going out to dinner lead to sex in your worlds? Well in mine it doesnt. 

Its very irresponsible of him to suggest this which he has no real basis on, he surmised this before I came on to tell my side of the story. My husband is on an oilrig on the other side of the world for the next 4 weeks, he does not need random strangers who do not know the whole story making him think that my dinner with a guy who did 3 weeks of hard labour for us was heading back to his uni course and his life 2 hours away, anything more than what it was. I dont think my husband knows that this guy does have a girlfriend... in Scotland!!!! SO I guess he felt we had something in common..... being away from our partners for extended periods of time.

I'm sorry but I will not let my husbands insecurities stop me from making new friends with people of the opposite sex and he also makes friends with women through his constant travelling and when I have said 'hey' she's a bit too attractive, I dont know if I want you to be friends with her' I get told that I am overreacting and trying to control him too... goes both ways.


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## Veryfaithfulwife (Jul 23, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> Mmmm reminds me of how the missus stole me from my ex years ago before marriage actually.
> 
> She and I were just best mates, but with the ex continuing to act up trying to split me from a good mate and with others doing all the suggesting and hinting for us (through their suspicions) I ended up breaking up with my ex... and fast forward later, ramming my best mate... who became my wife. :rofl:
> 
> ...


I will take his picture when he gets home IN 4 WEEKS ok..... 

Do you feel that your ex sorta gave you the idea to hook up with your best mate with her constant insecurities and comments?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well you both decide on this, he's either insecure and unsure yes, but he could also be picking up wrong signals or red flags and it's your job to reassure him.

The missus does get jealous from time to time but I acknowledge that it's my job to assure her, not attack her for being jealous (besides I think it's also kinda cute)



> Do you feel that your ex sorta gave you the idea to hook up with your best mate with her constant insecurities and comments?


Yes, insecurity pushed me away. Some jealousy is forgivable and even fun, but with my ex it ended up with more then jealousy; threats, guilt-trips, dramas, her threatening to kill herself if I didn't comply with her wishes to cut contact (emotional blackmail). It was abuse, not fun no more.



> I will take his picture when he gets home IN 4 WEEKS ok.....


:rofl: Damn what if he finds out WHILE he's on the oil rig! Oh well maybe his mates will do us the favor instead hehe! xD


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

Veryfaithfulwife said:


> Does going out to dinner lead to sex in your worlds? Well in mine it doesnt.


Nope, and I never suggested it would. But it *could* lead to an Emotional Affair(EA).

An emotional affair involves emotional support and companionship outside of the marriage. It involves spending time alone and creating an emotional bond with someone other than your spouse. It does not involve sex.

Perhaps your dinner date was completely innocent. But that's really beside the point. The point is that you are putting yourself in a situation, setting yourself up, to possibly escalate to an EA. You'll hear it a lot around here: Boundaries. It's a lot easier to *prevent* something from occurring than doing damage control after it already happened and you didn't see it coming(or you don't see it while it's happening).


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Veryfaithfulwife said:


> No I'm sorry I dont agree. I dont think that Entropy has any right to suggest that I am having or did have or will have an emotional affair with this man. FFS arent adults of the opposite sex allowed to get along anymore? Does going out to dinner lead to sex in your worlds? Well in mine it doesnt.
> 
> Its very irresponsible of him to suggest this which he has no real basis on, he surmised this before I came on to tell my side of the story. My husband is on an oilrig on the other side of the world for the next 4 weeks, he does not need random strangers who do not know the whole story making him think that my dinner with a guy who did 3 weeks of hard labour for us was heading back to his uni course and his life 2 hours away, anything more than what it was. I dont think my husband knows that this guy does have a girlfriend... in Scotland!!!! SO I guess he felt we had something in common..... being away from our partners for extended periods of time.
> 
> I'm sorry but I will not let my husbands insecurities stop me from making new friends with people of the opposite sex and he also makes friends with women through his constant travelling and when I have said 'hey' she's a bit too attractive, I dont know if I want you to be friends with her' I get told that I am overreacting and trying to control him too... goes both ways.


You are missing my point. I am telling you that when you are in an EA, you are so much in a fog you do not realize that the EA is moving forward. It is only secondary that you do not intend to be unfaithful. It is a slippery slope. 

It is particularly dangerous when your relationship is having problems. Which yours is for sure. This leaves the partners vulnerable to outsiders.

It also is not about agreement. It is an effort to try to reach the person deep inside the fog in hopes, all be it feable some times, so that they can come out of it. Again Tough Love.

You are at least being naive. I was too.

Also, it less about sides than it is about trying to help you guys get together.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

MGirl said:


> Nope, and I never suggested it would. But it *could* lead to an Emotional Affair(EA).
> 
> An emotional affair involves emotional support and companionship outside of the marriage. It involves spending time alone and creating an emotional bond with someone other than your spouse. It does not involve sex.


YES. This happened to me. My wife intervened. I did not realize what had happened until I came out of the fog. There was never any sex involved. If it had gone unchecked I shudder to think where it would have gone. BUT it was in itself being unfaithful. I was having needs met by an OW. To me it was just a friendship. In hindsight it crossed boundaries for sure.


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## Veryfaithfulwife (Jul 23, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> Well you both decide on this, he's either insecure and unsure yes, but he could also be picking up wrong signals or red flags and it's your job to reassure him.
> 
> The missus does get jealous from time to time but I acknowledge that it's my job to assure her, not attack her for being jealous (besides I think it's also kinda cute)
> 
> ...


I think he is going through some major personal battles right now due to working away and missing our son, so I can only assume that he is clinging onto anything that upsets him at the moment and maybe making a big deal of things without realizing its not the thing at all its that he's trying to shift his focus so he stops dwelling on being away from his boy.


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## Veryfaithfulwife (Jul 23, 2011)

MGirl said:


> Nope, and I never suggested it would. But it *could* lead to an Emotional Affair(EA).
> 
> An emotional affair involves emotional support and companionship outside of the marriage. It involves spending time alone and creating an emotional bond with someone other than your spouse. It does not involve sex.
> 
> Perhaps your dinner date was completely innocent. But that's really beside the point. The point is that you are putting yourself in a situation, setting yourself up, to possibly escalate to an EA. You'll hear it a lot around here: Boundaries. It's a lot easier to *prevent* something from occurring than doing damage control after it already happened and you didn't see it coming(or you don't see it while it's happening).


Well sheesh I'm guilty!!! I'm having an EA with most of my girlfriends, my mother and OMG even my dad!!!! Not to mention my male friends, single or not, whom I have had since before I was married!!!! and my Boss and her husband. 

Maybe in your marriages you dont allow your spouses to receive emotional support, spend time alone with or create an emotional bond with people other than you, but thats not what I signed up for. Its all very convenient to make your spouses rely soley on you for all their needs but to me and hopefully my husband thats all just very unrealistic.

And as for all your could's and maybe's and possibly's ..... You are welcome to live your lives in fear of what may happen... I, personally would prefer to actually LIVE!!!!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, you follow your gut, you know yourself better then anyone here. And you know the situation (and you're Aussie too - you know how it is here). You know your husband, we are just anonymous helpers.

But please do keep in mind that what other people have said here that EA can start with just innocent friendship; they are correct. My ex could have prevented it by not being so clingy, insecure and abusive sure -> but to be honest, I can't really blame her for her behaviour, I was everywhere with my mate (my now wife), we clicked like anything.

There were no boundaries set prior, so by the time she tried to break it off it was too late - it was no longer asking me to "respect our relationship", it was asking me to "get rid of your best friend".

One thing that I have with my wife that I didn't have with my ex however is 1 long year of pure best-mateship as a strong foundation. Sometimes EAs can end up good, other times, not at all. You don't have to take this advice if it doesn't apply to you, but do note the danger in the future.

I believe you that this guy is probably not EA-material, but someone else could very well be. Setting boundaries is important in many marriages, some can get away without it but not all.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Veryfaithfulwife said:


> I think he is going through some major personal battles right now due to working away and missing our son, so I can only assume that he is clinging onto anything that upsets him at the moment and maybe making a big deal of things without realizing its not the thing at all its that he's trying to shift his focus so he stops dwelling on being away from his boy.


Last post ... for a while. I need to go provide some of my wifes emotional needs.

This is a good post. You are showing some empathy here. I think this is at least part of the case.

BUT, you are not saying that he cares for you. You are not saying he misses you. Many if not most men would be concerned for his wife under these circumstances.

I can only hope that you guys can find some common ground and start caring for each other. There is a lot of bitterness and anger here. Reversing out of that downward spiral is most difficult. It takes both persons efforts, but usually one of them has to go way past half way to make it start.

Do not look at your husband giving you the HNHN book as deflection. Whether it was or not, I still suggest rather than trying to convince folks of your side that you read that first.

Also, no one here is saying you do not have reason to feel neglected or angry or anything else. It would be encouraging if you guys did not fall into a cycle of hurting one another emotionally. 

You cannot focus on your marriage if you have other male interests. Maybe some women can have male friends. Good for them. Your current relationship seems like it will not be able to handle that. Your husband is already upset about it.

You talk about getting support from others. All well and good. But you are missing the support of your husband and he you. Not good. So any energy you provide others is energy he is not getting.


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## Veryfaithfulwife (Jul 23, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> You are missing my point. I am telling you that when you are in an EA, you are so much in a fog you do not realize that the EA is moving forward. It is only secondary that you do not intend to be unfaithful. It is a slippery slope.
> 
> It is particularly dangerous when your relationship is having problems. Which yours is for sure. This leaves the partners vulnerable to outsiders.
> 
> ...


Maybe you are weak and wanted more than your wife could give... I dont know. I am far from Naive, my husband is having his own problems that he does not have the tools to deal with, I have tried to help him out with this but he thinks I have no idea and also thinks emotions are just a chemical imbalance in the brain. He is feeling the emotions that come with having your first child and not being able to see him everyday and because he has led his life up until now squashing his emotions he has no idea what to do with himself. He is acting out and over analyzing things.... He thinks that I hate being on this new farm... I dont I love it, it gets a bit lonely and the last time he went to work, which was the first time since we had moved here and I spent 3 weeks out with the flu I was not very impressed, but I survived and always will. This is why I say he does not need people telling him I am most certainly having an EA when they dont really know what is going on. It is dangerous for everyone involved... including the men who work under him as one lapse in concentration and he could kill one of them. 

Thank you all for your concern, I am sure we will be fine..... 

Oh and on a lighter note GO CADEL EVANS!!!!!!!!!! (in the Tour de france)


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

On another note too, I mentioned trust when I first came here: I trust the missus completely, she doesn't repay the same favor... for obvious reasons - I cheated on her in the past before marriage.

Being able to be free from suspicion is a privilege earned over years of building complete and flawless trust in both actions and one's morality, principles, and personal strength. My wife has my complete trust, but I don't have hers.

So I'm not going out with female friends alone, nor am I going about insulting her as controlling if she has a problem with one of them. She is not just my wife too but my best mate anyways - which makes things a lot easier compared to my ex.

The funny thing is that I never cheated on my ex yet she got so insecure and abusive. But with my wife, she's already showing remarkable strength to be able to forgive me but she's also smart in maintaining boundaries until I can get the trust back up to standard (although it'll never ever be perfect again)

If you want to have the same level of freedom with your husband, the same level that I grant my wife; you have to earn his trust, the hard way - years and years of building it. Screw up once though, and it's all over.

BTW, people here are not trying to insult you, I don't think it's fair that you go about insulting them. Sure, they may perhaps make some wrong assumptions but their intentions is not to make your life miserable.


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## Veryfaithfulwife (Jul 23, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> On another note too, I mentioned trust when I first came here: I trust the missus completely, she doesn't repay the same favor... for obvious reasons - I cheated on her in the past before marriage.
> 
> Being able to be free from suspicion is a privilege earned over years of building complete and flawless trust in both actions and one's morality, principles, and personal strength. My wife has my complete trust, but I don't have hers.
> 
> ...


So you cheated.... fair enough. I havent. Have no intention of. I have been cheated on before I met DH... I dont take my past out on him, so why does he feel this need to not trust me because of what other women did to him? Way before my time...... mind you with all the international travel he does and the fat that he and his work mates get on it as soon as they hit the airport so he is quite drunk when he flies... and who knows who he may meet and I will never know..... Yet I trust him, because it is what is needed for the health of our relationship.


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## roamingmind (Jul 20, 2011)

Mrs. M. 

Glad to hear your side of the story --- I didn't think you were after an affair  and I do trust what you say . 

Now I do think it's INAPPROPRIATE to dine out with the guy alone; esepcially when you hubby had made it clear he is not comfortable with it -- you were being a bit disrespectful and inconsiderate of his feeling on that regard. You might not agree or understand his concern but you have to respect and acknowledge that. 

Your hubby sounds a person who is true to words. I do believe he trusts you --- otherwise, he wouldn't have left the guy working on the farm while he is not home, would he? His reaction is completely normal and reasonable as you can see most guys would feel the same way. 

You already know your hubby is a great person without being told so and he also acknowledged you talent and contribution to the family--- but do you tell each other that? You both sound feeling under appreciated and holding grudges and acting negatively against each other. He obviously needs to open up more to you as how he feels and what he needs and learn about your needs and emotions but you need to do the same thing --- communicate instead of acting out or accusing of things that may not be true.
If you think his controlling, tell him why you feel that way -- often times, man and woman interpret the same things differently-- you need to talk to him to let him know exactly what you feel and need from him. Do so without blame, simple state your feelings and why you feel the way you do. The same time, you also need put yourself into his shoes if you expect him to understand you --- communication, communication, communication -- that's what I see missing here in your relationship. 

With that said, some people simply get turned off by the fluffinesss and hold the physical attractiveness very important ( I am one of these, good or bad)-- your husband , obviously, is among these people. Does it make him wrong? no. Does it make his attitude towards your weight appropriate ? No. It's just unfortunate that there is conflict here. 

Now I am sure what he said about your weight is very hurtful and upsetting. Now, you must know he speaks of the fact ( it doesn't make it appropriate here though)--- Ignore what he thinks and says , are you happy about being overweight? Do you want to look better and feel attractive? Do you want your husband desire for you? If you are happy with what it is now, let it be. But if you are not happy with yourself , do something about it-- toss away all the junk food; instead of turning to food for comfort, work out. If you have eating disorder, go to a doctor -- it is for your own good in the long run. Do it willingly, don't hold your husband responsible for that by thinking " I am doning this for you" ; he should be the incentive, not the reason. 

So, if it is something you want to change, and it can make your feel better about yourself and feel attractive, the bonus is your husband will also rediscover that attractiveness in you --- why not taking actions?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

@Mrs. Mephisto (lol sorry, it's just the best way to address you for now heh)

How long have you two been together? How much time do you spend together, do you two talk often?

Keep in mind actually that it didn't take just "not cheating" to build up trust, it took a whole lot more.


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## roamingmind (Jul 20, 2011)

On a different note -- please don't get defensive with what are posted here. Even you disagree, they sould make you think of your own behaviors and ask yourself honest questions . Usually if you get upset with what is said, there is proably some truth in it. 

People here are to help. Our expereiences give us different perspectives -- that's eaxactly what most of us need . Learn and grow, Mr and Mrs.


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## Veryfaithfulwife (Jul 23, 2011)

roamingmind said:


> On a different note -- please don't get defensive with what are posted here. Even you disagree, they sould make you think of your own behaviors and ask yourself honest questions . Usually if you get upset with what is said, there is proably some truth in it.
> 
> People here are to help. Our expereiences give us different perspectives -- that's eaxactly what most of us need . Learn and grow, Mr and Mrs.


Meh, I think when It comes to something as serious as marriage people should stay out of it if they dont have the full story. Which none of you could possibly have had hearing one side of part of it.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

Veryfaithfulwife said:


> Well sheesh I'm guilty!!! I'm having an EA with most of my girlfriends, my mother and OMG even my dad!!!! Not to mention my male friends, single or not, whom I have had since before I was married!!!! and my Boss and her husband.
> 
> Maybe in your marriages you dont allow your spouses to receive emotional support, spend time alone with or create an emotional bond with people other than you, but thats not what I signed up for. Its all very convenient to make your spouses rely soley on you for all their needs but to me and hopefully my husband thats all just very unrealistic.
> 
> And as for all your could's and maybe's and possibly's ..... You are welcome to live your lives in fear of what may happen... I, personally would prefer to actually LIVE!!!!


I'm referring to those of the opposite gender(not family members). 

Of *course* you can receive emotional support from other people. If you relied on your husband solely for that, you'd end up clingy and needy. But that emotional support is appropriate from some people and inappropriate from others. Family members and girlfriends are great resources to receive emotional support from. It's_ wonderful _that you already have that! On the other hand, receiving emotional support from, bonding with, or spending time alone with other men(married or single) is inappropriate in a marriage, IMO. 

^^^ I say this so you can try to see things from your husband's point of view a bit. Can you see why he's upset with you going out to dinner with another man while he's away on work? Can you empathize and put yourself in his shoes for a few minutes? Empathizing is one of the essential keys to keeping a marriage functioning. He needs to do the same with you.

I prefer to live as well! Life is lovely, isn't it? Making choices to protect and improve your marriage is wise, and doesn't take away from enjoying or living your life. It only adds to it.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Mephisto and Veryfaithfulwife, this thread is now closed. Perhaps this discussion should take place at home or with a marriage counselor.


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