# Is it insecurity or what? And what do I do about it?



## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Well, my RJ has been becoming more and more of an issue. I am going to try my best to post exactly what bothers me and hopefully you guys can help me figure out what it is and how to stop it.

It bothers me that my wife has....

1. had a larger penis than me. I feel like she would be happier if mine was bigger too.

2. had sex with a band guy (many times). I don't feel like I can compete with that thing women have for musicians. I play guitar but not in a band.

3. tried so hard to keep her cheating ex husband. It makes me think she loved him way more than she ever could me.

4. had sex with a guy she actually disliked. I just don't understand this at all.

I'll leave it at that for now. I'm sure there's more but I just can't think of it right now.

Any ideas? I think it's insecurity because I do compare myself to her past and I don't feel like I win. I feel like I am average in all areas where they were great in some and crappy in others. Thus making me a decent choice but not an outstanding choice.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

But she married YOU, so what does that tell you? Perhaps penis size, band dudes, and actually loving her ex enough to try to make it work just aren't as important to HER as YOU think. As for having sex with a guy she didn't like... maybe she was h*rny? 

Yes, I think there is some insecurity on your part.

Stop comparing yourself to her past loves. She chose you.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Ahhh, but she chose them too right? I know what you're saying. She's with me now and not them. I guess I don't think she would have chosen me over them if things hadn't went south with them. Does that make sense? Like well Jay cheated until I couldn't take it anymore, Dave was unstable band guy, and Ed was big but not really good and a whiner so you'll do.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

How long have you been with her and what are your ages? Got kids?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

I never know how to give advice for RJ. I don't understand it at all. I usually think that it's insecurity when people talk about RJ. You're afraid you don't measure up, so that is insecurity. 

In order to stop it? Maybe some IC should be in order if it's possible for you. 

Out of curiosity, did you know these things before you married her? If so, why did you still marry her? If not, are you punishing her for telling you? Can you continue to be married to her knowing these are issues for you? Do you hold resentment toward her for her past?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Yes, it's insecurity. What should you do about it? Get some professional help for yourself and/or your marriage.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Honestly, the only one on your list that would bother me is #4. But people change. RJ is absolutely about insecurity but it is pretty serious to deal with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP:

hopefully you express these fears to her, and she responds with more than "yeah but I chose you." does she reassure you? 

also just want to point out that, generally speaking, there are insecure men that choose to not ever mention or examine their insecurities, which probabaly makes them appear more secure than they really are. The honest, the transparent (like OP for example) aren't necessarily the most troubled among us. not by a long shot.

all the sudden I find myself on a soapbox and I need ot get off it. so suffice it to say most of the the men that tend to present themselves as fearless, completely comfortable with themselves, lacking insecurities etc......are full of sh**t. other than that I take them at their word, of course.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Check into cognitive behavioral therapy. You can train yourself to stop thinking these thoughts.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I Don't Know said:


> I guess *I don't think she would have chosen me over them if things hadn't went south with them.* Does that make sense? Like well Jay cheated until I couldn't take it anymore, Dave was unstable band guy, and Ed was big but not really good and a whiner *so you'll do.*


Yes, it makes sense, but it's faulty logic based on insecurity.

Isn't that the way it goes for ALL relationships that end? Things go south, partners move on and maybe find a new partner. So she didn't just "settle" for you... the others weren't compatible for the long term, and then she found you.

Did you have previous lovers before her? With your current line of thinking, she could easily twist it and say the same about you. "His other girlfriends were prettier, better figures, better lovers, but too bossy/controlling so he just settled for me."

I second FW's suggestion to check out Cognitive Behavioral Therapy so you can redirect these "false" thoughts the moment they begin.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

I'm no expert...but all the items seems more about you than anything concerning her or her past guys. 

realistically..
#1....you have what you have, If it works...count yourself lucky (if you don't feel lucky...look up some ED stories....damn

#2....My wife was with a couple of band guys when she was very young...so what...my oldest son was in a band for years....he always had a different girl...but never any money, security, clean clothes......coincidence??? I think not.

#3....How is a dedicated woman a bad thing????

#4....Come on...who hasn't done that??? I banged lots of women i couldn't stand....lets not make that a crime. 

Consider this....she is no longer the person that did those things before. She is older, probably wiser, more refined in both her manner and tastes. She can change NOTHING about the past (neither can you for that matter)....so get some therapy for you...and think about item 3 some more...because it speaks volumes about her character...in a very good way.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Yes insecurity and lack of confidence. Your "what if" hamster is spinning the wheel. Then you imagine all of those "what if's" and the mind movies start.

Here's the deal. Drop what you have no control of. You don't have control of the past and you don't have control of anyone except you, not even your wife. So have your boundaries, be confident, and be compassionate and enjoy each day with your wife unless something changes.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

It wasn't until I came to this place that I realized how rampant jealousy and insecurity were in the male population. Looks like women aren't the only ones with a lock on the problem. 

Not only are your insecure, it sounds like you don't respect your wife. Rough sledding ahead if you don't figure out how to tame this beast.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

I don't even know what RJ is, but I know insecurity when I see it. In this instance.

- 1. Borderline obsessive with partners past. (Alert).

- 2. Putting a negative spin on every revelation, despite the availiability of contrary facts and observed evidence. (Flashing red alert.)

- "1. had a larger penis than me. I feel like she would be happier if mine was bigger too."

- The female vagina is only particularly sensitive for the first couple inches. Thereafter there's a marked drop-off. Nature designed them that way so they'd enjoy sex while childbirth wouldn't be 4x more painful for them than it already is.

For every 'size queen' there's another woman who finds the larger 'appendage' uncomfortable.

If còck size were all that mattered to women, male dating site profiles would consist of no info bar the size of their trouser snakes.

Similarly, if only the larger male got làid, evolution would've filtered out the genes responsible for the small-to-medium pècker.

- "2. had sex with a band guy (many times). I don't feel like I can compete with that thing women have for musicians. I play guitar but not in a band."

I was a 'band guy' for 10 years. (drums). Some women love a drummer, but more prefer a singer,, especially if that singer also plays a guitar. By default, keyboard players seem to be less alluring, but you can up their shàggability by giving them bìtchin' solos.

Most women in the audience didn't attend with the aim of having sex with a musician. They just like live music.

Most women in town aren't even at the venue. No interest in musicians. They're hanging around with people they prefer. Mechanics, lawyers, cops, crackheads. For every type of guy there's a female who, for reasons unbeknowst to the rest of us, likes him.

A few even like insecure guys who don't play in bands but play a guitar at home. If I tried to lure her away with a paradiddle, she probably wouldn't be interested. 


- "3. tried so hard to keep her cheating ex husband. It makes me think she loved him way more than she ever could me."

She's a swan that puts an effort into keeping her mate. Currently, that's you. Consider yourself lucky and enjoy it,, cuz a non-swan might've taken flight at the first sign of your insecurities.

- "4. had sex with a guy she actually disliked. I just don't understand this at all."

She was horny, or had some other motivation. Ours not to reason why. Different people have different motivations. For you it's a plus. If she tires of you putting your negative spins on everything she ever did, maybe you'll still get some when she grows to dislike you. I don't understand the logic behind women who prefer Ferrari drivers to drummers,, but while some do prefer drummers I can't be arsed to figure it out or fret about it.

- SEE?? Try putting a positive spin on the stuff you find out about her. If you can't do that, quit asking, cuz you're only using the details to feed your insecurity and make yourself feel worse. If you can't stop doing it yourself, get help. It's your FEAR of her finding you inadequate that'll drive her away if you don't sort yourself out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

I Don't Know said:


> Ahhh, but she chose them too right? I know what you're saying. She's with me now and not them. I guess I don't think she would have chosen me over them if things hadn't went south with them. Does that make sense? Like well Jay cheated until I couldn't take it anymore, Dave was unstable band guy, and Ed was big but not really good and a whiner so you'll do.


Man this stuff is self fulfilling. Don't add yourself to her list by being the paranoid guy who wouldn't believe she loved him. You should be thrilled these past guys didn't man up enough to keep a good woman. It's your gain.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening I dont' know.

#1. Sigh. Bigger really ins't better for most women, that
's more of a gay male thing. Good to an online sex toy store that caters mostly to women (like good_vibrations). You will see that their best-selling sex toys are roughly average size because that is what most women like. (Yes there a some who like huge, but they are a minority). FWIW, my wife became interested in huge toys for a while so we got some. After the novelty wore off she decided they were just uncomfortable and now prefers me, or normal sized toys.

#2) Band guy. Astronaut, secret agent - who cares. She is with YOU now.

#3) She is loyal. Thats a good thing.

#4) I don't know about you, but I've done things in my life that I'm not proud of. They are mistakes - we learn from them and try not to do them again.


Overall - you are just not going to be the best at everything. No one is. (vampire teen romance stories not withstanding).



QUOTE=I Don't Know;10926682]Well, my RJ has been becoming more and more of an issue. I am going to try my best to post exactly what bothers me and hopefully you guys can help me figure out what it is and how to stop it.

It bothers me that my wife has....

1. had a larger penis than me. I feel like she would be happier if mine was bigger too.

2. had sex with a band guy (many times). I don't feel like I can compete with that thing women have for musicians. I play guitar but not in a band.

3. tried so hard to keep her cheating ex husband. It makes me think she loved him way more than she ever could me.

4. had sex with a guy she actually disliked. I just don't understand this at all.

I'll leave it at that for now. I'm sure there's more but I just can't think of it right now.

Any ideas? I think it's insecurity because I do compare myself to her past and I don't feel like I win. I feel like I am average in all areas where they were great in some and crappy in others. Thus making me a decent choice but not an outstanding choice.[/QUOTE]


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

intheory said:


> What's RJ?


Retroactive Jealousy. Logic won't help, it is a condition. Several posters on TAM deal with it effectively. I think OP was looking for tips on dealing with it effectively.

FW and Thundarr have given sone good advice and tips. OP knows he has a problem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I had a post on here but deleted it as I assumed (wrongly I might add) that you were having a lousy sex life & she was not giving you enough attention, causing you to feel less loved, less desired..... but having looked over some of your threads.. you have spoke of an intimate "amazing sex life" (although she is not comfortable talking about it in the afterglow) and this opening post sounds *she has TRIED to work with you here to help you* ....(back in Feb)......



> "Some of you may be familiar with my RJ issues. It's getting worse. In spite of EVERYTHING that can be removed as a trigger having been removed, I'm still spiraling down. I don't really know what to say. I'm feeling inferior in every way possible. Income, size, performance, how much she wanted to save that relationship. My self worth is in the tank. I have no good days now, only days that aren't as bad. No matter what GF says, I don't believe her. I don't understand how a woman stays with a guy that serial cheats and makes her his slave. I don't get it. The only thing that makes sense to me is that she loved him more than she'll ever love me. And I'm pushing her further away every day. I CAN'T STOP! "


Insecurity is a downward spiral ....Yes... It can BE our worst enemy, it can make us feel very small.. insignificant...then with this, we don't act as our Vibrant wonderful selves....with our original quirkiness.. which is generally what others love about us & what attracts the to us.....

How does this affect you.. your moods.. do you hide, get depressed - bring it up to her?

How does she try to soothe you, assure you that YOU are the MAN she wants / chooses to be with ? Can you pin point why her words, affection, her sexual giving is not enough to satisfy ?? How is this taking it's emotional toll on her ? Have you sought help outside of the advice of posters here ?

Some thoughts on these...

*1. **Bigger doesn't mean anything*...not that I would know personally.. but I read a lot, others experiences & such.... I've had to laugh .. my H is MR average...Plenty of Mr Averages have highly fulfilled orgasmic wives....isn't this what matters.. 

While I've read some got Mr monster/ John Holmes...oh it's handsome & ideal, he'd make a fine Porn star... but she can't get off on it..needs her Vibe or oral.. (so what good is it -all that succulent length she has to gag on)..... then some women even have their cervix irritated & are prone to urinary tract infections!...who the hell would want that [email protected]#$% ... these are not pluses for the Big wang! 

*2.* *Band Guy*...it's an unattainable fantasy.. and the reality is.. those who snag these types. chances are they get cheated on .. and get just as many STD's.. their lifestyle screams unattached Playboy...there is nothing there to hold on to....that's worthy....he just has a Skill that is SEXY.. so what.. Kinda like the Guy fantasizing about the stripper while doing her seductive pole dance.... would you want to settle down with her? 

*3.* *Cheating ex husband*.. she was loyal.. did they have kids... did she have a way out.... Sam Y can relate to this.. he tends to look through different eyes over yourself.. it speaks more to how devoted SHE is as a woman...over her lust/ Love for him... he focuses on the good aspect.. this would be something to consider...so if you treat her so much better... imagine the Loyalty tied to THIS... does her words/ actions towards you speak to her commitment / loyalty? 

*4*. *Having sex with an a$$hole*.. maybe she was looking to be loved at this time in her life... going about it all in the wrong ways..bad judgment - it happens!... came to learn how foolish it was, & would do anything to undo it.... Has she tried to explain where she was emotionally during this phase in her life ?


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Thanks for all the replies. I'm on mobile right now so I'm going to respond to SA because I think it will cover most everyones questions. I'll check it out again tomorrow from desktop and hit what I've missed.

It depresses me. I do bring it up with her even though I know I shouldn't. I get angrt and she feels like I'm judging her. 

She tells me I am the guy from the chick flicks. Guys like me don't exist in real life. She didn't think love like this was real so she took what she thought was as good as it gets. She does try to talk me down but she's getting tired of it. It does shut her down emotionally. I think it's not enough to satisfy me because I think she's just saying what I want to hear. And really with this nothing she could say would stop it. When it's bad nothing is going to satisfy. It's hurting her a lot. And that's why I have to get control. I bought and read Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy. It's the only book I've found dealing with it. It's ok but full of stuff like the past doesn't exist. Well yeah it does. 

Size, I know I'm OK. And can't change it anyway. It just bugs me.

Band guy was never serious and was someone she went to school with. So she knew him anyway or it might not have happened. But she did it when she was 18 and again at 25 makes me think there was a big attraction there.

Cheating ex. Yeah she is loyal. They had no kids together but she did have 4 from her first marriage ( to a beater). He (the cheater) got her to quit working and move across the state. I know she was kinda stuck. And a lot of that was wanting to be loved, security for her kids.

A-hole. She says she was horny and bored and he was there. I get that, she said she hadn't had sex for at least 6 months before that and that was with the big penis guy who didn't even get her off. It lasted a few weeks. That's about it. But he wasn't just a regular a-hole he would tell her things like she should move to a different state. Really mean stuff. 

At the time she left her ex until she met me she says she was anti-love. She was NEVER getting married again. The girls she works with called her the run away bride because she found fault in every guy she dated.

Yes I've had lovers, LTR, FWB, ONS, I was married before too, you name it I've done it. And I don't think she a bad person for doing any of the things she did. I think she deserved way better though. It just hurts to think about it. And then I get angry. Not sure why anger comes out.

I know this is MY problem. If she had only been with one guy before I'm sure I'd have the same feelings.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

It actually sounds like you are kind of Mr. Wonderful. You turned her world around.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

I Don't Know said:


> TYes I've had lovers, LTR, FWB, ONS, I was married before too, you name it I've done it.



It's okay for you but not for her... Hmm




I Don't Know said:


> I know this is MY problem. If she had only been with one guy before I'm sure I'd have the same feelings.



Why didn't you marry a virgin? 😦😦


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

I Don't Know said:


> I think it's not enough to satisfy me because I think she's just saying what I want to hear. And really with this nothing she could say would stop it. When it's bad nothing is going to satisfy. It's hurting her a lot. And that's why I have to get control.
> .


You need to understand that, with your negative spins, you're nurturing the very environment wherein people WILL tell you what you want to hear. Irony being, whether it's the truth or a lie, they'll be wasting their time cuz you will ALWAYS look for a way to claw some negativity out of it.

If she tells you you're the best, mindnumbing lày she's ever had,, she'll be telling you what you want to hear or lying.

If she tells you "I enjoyed that." you'll figure she enjoyed it more with somebody else.

You can even make the worst thing she could tell you worse. You'd turn "You're a lousy lày, a pig of a man and I'm leaving." into "Oh no. No woman will ever have me!"

For now, I'll accept that you can't control the way you think, but you can do a lot more with the way you behave.

Many reformed alcoholics and drug addicts crave the things they were once addicted to, but they resist because relapsing produces behaviours that ruin their lives and those of their families.

You need to resist too and manage your cravings and behaviours. Understand that your thinking is warped and suck it up until (if ever) you can fix it. Then all you need do is stop inflicting it on others. THAT part, you can control. That's the part that ruins lives beyond you own. You can excuse the way you think but you can't excuse bugging your partner or anyone else with your warped conclusions.

Accept (and I note that you've said it yourself) that there's no answer she can give you that will satisfy you, so there's no point in asking. In the silence, you'll still be jumping to negative conclusions but at least your partner will be relieved of them and stick around longer.

Of course, that same thinking wants her to leave because that'd feed the insecurity that says you're worthless. It won't be satisfied until she's gone, and not even then. If you don't quit acting on it now, you'll repeat the cycle with the next woman and the one after that. Over and over.

If you don't want her to leave, quit bugging her with your problem. You can stop the questions from escaping your lips while you work on curing your thought processing. 

One last time. You DO have some control,, more than you're exercising. Accept the warped thinking for now,, but stop bugging your partner with it. If you can manage that I'm sure she'll be a lot happier. Maybe you will be too when you see the results.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mr.bunbury (Oct 20, 2014)

I Don't Know said:


> It bothers me that my wife has....
> 
> 1. had a larger penis than me. I feel like she would be happier if mine was bigger too.
> 
> ...


Some women understand that and that is why they will not have sex with a guy unless the relationship is headed in a serious way but most women are not as considerate as that so they're just going to tell you to get over it.

If your wife was honest with you at the beginning you cannot change the tables on her now and talk about insecurities.


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## HobbesTheTiger (Apr 7, 2014)

I suggest you read No more mr. nice guy. It's available online for free, just google it. Helped me a lot.

Also, get into counselling ASAP. Find a good one, do your research. Tell your wife you know she didn't do anything wrong and that it's your problem, and invite her to help you with finding a good counsellor. By allowing her to help you with this, you two will be closer and she will feel better, and you will feel better. Maybe she could go to your first IC session, and then the counsellor will say if it's better that you two come there together or just you.

Also, don't stop communicating with her!

Best wishes


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I Don't Know said:


> She tells me I am the guy from the chick flicks. Guys like me don't exist in real life. She didn't think love like this was real so she took what she thought was as good as it gets.


 These type men are very very hard to find.. I call my husband one in a million, so does my girlfriends.. Maybe this doesn't do much for you..but it's a hell of a compliment , so I feel..

What you have said about her past sounds so very very typical and it's WHY I think women shouldn't jump into bed so fast because they get hurt really bad by these experiences, they end up thinking all men are users, abusers, then don't believe in love anymore.. just as you described her mindset before she met you...

Then she runs into one that allows her to believe again.. she never thought it was possible.. you have given her HOPE again... such good men do exist! 




> The does try to talk me down but she's getting tired of it. It does shut her down emotionally. I think it's not enough to satisfy me because I think she's just saying what I want to hear.


 Even I think , after a while this would get tiring.. and I really LIKE to build a good man UP.. and make him feel like he's KING. You need to look at it another way here.. if you don't trust what she is saying to YOU.. to be authentic , the truth, does her actions line up with her words, in attention, her wanting you? Be logical here.. if so...this HURTS HER a great deal.. you are infact telling her "I do not trust you, you are a liar"... 

This would "get old" for anyone putting themselves out there. 



> Size, I know I'm OK. And can't change it anyway. It just bugs me.


 again, logically there is no reason it should bother you, if you are not MICRO, you get her off, she is a happy woman here ! Plus you are her Romantic lover... you said "Big penis" guy couldn't even get her off (He was probably a selfish lover, good riddance!)



> Yes I've had lovers, LTR, FWB, ONS, I was married before too, you name it I've done it. And I don't think she a bad person for doing any of the things she did. I think she deserved way better though. It just hurts to think about it. And then I get angry. Not sure why anger comes out.
> 
> I know this is MY problem. If she had only been with one guy before I'm sure I'd have the same feelings.



I would think this would be harder to overcome with a man who hasn't BEEN THERE himself.. really, you got to overcome this.. . She needs to feel safe, accepted and loved by you.. and believed she loves YOU *that much.*..

I gotta run !


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Your wife seems to have a history of dating/marrying men who treat her badly. It seems she's done it again. Right now, you're another guy who is treating her badly. I think you're probably lucky that she seems, based on having tried so very hard with her ex-husband, to be very loyal. An emotionally healthier woman with better boundaries would likely be gone pretty quickly from a relationship with a guy spends his time thinking up things to be irrationally jealous and p!ssed off about and actively persecuting her for honesty. Imagine how hard it must be to have the person who is supposed to love you most in the world make it clear that nothing you say will be good enough, or even believed. 

If you don't want to be just another abusive guy in her life, you need to get to work fixing _you_. ASAP. With a professional. And in the mean time, at least have enough self control to stop punishing your wife. As Flying_Dutchman said above, at least control your behavior until you can get your thoughts under better control.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> How long have you been with her and what are your ages? Got kids?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm 40, I know sheesh 40 and letting crap bother me. She's 35. No kids together. Been together a year and a half.



staarz21 said:


> I never know how to give advice for RJ. I don't understand it at all. I usually think that it's insecurity when people talk about RJ. You're afraid you don't measure up, so that is insecurity.
> 
> In order to stop it? Maybe some IC should be in order if it's possible for you.
> 
> Out of curiosity, did you know these things before you married her? If so, why did you still marry her? If not, are you punishing her for telling you? Can you continue to be married to her knowing these are issues for you? Do you hold resentment toward her for her past?


I knew some stuff before, some more came out after. Always at my asking though. Yes I can and want to stay married to her. I know she didn't really do anything "wrong", I have no idea why it bothers me. Never really cared before. In previous relationships there would be one or two things that I didn't like, but I got over it. I don't think I resent her for her past. Again, it's not really that much of a past compared to some, myself included.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I Don't Know said:


> *It bothers me *that my wife has....
> 
> 1. had a larger penis than me. I feel like she would be happier if mine was bigger too.
> 
> ...


If you felt that way, why did you marry her? If you felt so inadequate and beneath other penises, and her past, why did you enter into marriage with her? Serious question.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I Don't Know said:


> I know this is MY problem.


Indeed.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

spinsterdurga said:


> It's okay for you but not for her... Hmm
> 
> *Nothing really to say to that other than I know it makes no sense, but yeah pretty much.*
> 
> ...






Flying_Dutchman said:


> A whole bunch of good stuff.


Yes, you're right about everything you said here. Talking about it is the part I have control over. I don't bring it up every time it pops up, but I could do A LOT BETTER. It's very hard, but I need to be stronger.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

I Don't Know said:


> Well, my RJ has been becoming more and more of an issue. I am going to try my best to post exactly what bothers me and hopefully you guys can help me figure out what it is and how to stop it.
> 
> It bothers me that my wife has....
> 
> ...


At the end of the day she chose you. Does that tell you something?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

I Don't Know said:


> Ahhh, but she chose them too right? I know what you're saying. She's with me now and not them. I guess I don't think she would have chosen me over them if things hadn't went south with them. Does that make sense? Like well Jay cheated until I couldn't take it anymore, Dave was unstable band guy, and Ed was big but not really good and a whiner so you'll do.


But I DON"T KNOW is a all around great guy who I can spend my life with and be happy. 

Look at the positive.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Sir, you don't get it. YOU WON THE PRIZE. At the end of the day the cheat, rock star and Mr Big LOST. They suck. The whole lot of them. She chose YOU. Can you grasp the enormity of that? The revelation that she thinks you are the right one. Not the blowhard going no where think with my penis I got a lot of baggage near do well.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening I dont' know.
> 
> #1. Sigh. Bigger really ins't better for most women, that
> 's more of a gay male thing. Good to an online sex toy store that caters mostly to women (like good_vibrations). You will see that their best-selling sex toys are roughly average size because that is what most women like. (Yes there a some who like huge, but they are a minority). FWIW, my wife became interested in huge toys for a while so we got some. After the novelty wore off she decided they were just uncomfortable and now prefers me, or normal sized toys.
> ...


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> If you felt that way, why did you marry her? If you felt so inadequate and beneath other penises, and her past, why did you enter into marriage with her? Serious question.


Honestly, because it comes in spurts and the good times are outstanding. When it's gone I feel like King Sh1t. At times it seems like it's gone for good only to pop up again later. Because as time passes the things I know at any particular moment bother me less and less. For example, she had considered tubal reversal so she could have kids with the cheating ex. I almost ended the relationship (it was pretty early) when I found that out. Now it doesn't bother me, even though I don't understand why she would want to have kids with someone who is serial cheating.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

> That raises an interesting question for me though. Does confidence come from feeling like you are the best or from accepting that you're not?


Feeling you are the best. My W makes me feel I'm the best. This builds confidence. If my W told me what I'm not this would deflate me. Like anyone else. If you carry a air of confidence others see that and treat you as such. Confident.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

I Don't Know said:


> Honestly, because it comes in spurts and the good times are outstanding. When it's gone I feel like King Sh1t. At times it seems like it's gone for good only to pop up again later. Because as time passes the things I know at any particular moment bother me less and less. For example, she had considered tubal reversal so she could have kids with the cheating ex. I almost ended the relationship (it was pretty early) when I found that out. Now it doesn't bother me, even though I don't understand why she would want to have kids with someone who is serial cheating.


The same could be asked of my SIL who always dated and finally married abusive men. I have no answer. Fortunately your W found her way and dumped the cheater sorry butt. Good on her I say.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Okay
So you need to build yourself up a little.
You know how women like to have a man who is confident and in control?
This is NOT what you are showing her when you do this.

Eventually this behavior will erode your marriage and she will get tired of it.
Go see a counselor and straighten yourself out. If you don’t, you will eventually damage your relationship to the point where she wants to leave.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

happy as a clam said:


> Yes, it makes sense, but it's faulty logic based on insecurity.
> 
> Isn't that the way it goes for ALL relationships that end? Things go south, partners move on and maybe find a new partner. So she didn't just "settle" for you... the others weren't compatible for the long term, and then she found you.
> 
> ...


Ok I didn't explain that very well. What I mean is, hypothetically she doesn't know me or Jay. We both meet her at the same time. I feel like she choses Jay. 

No way I'll ever know for sure. It's all just a gut feeling which I probably shouldn't be trusting when I'm down.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

But she chose you...is not useful in these cases because that is self evident, and obviously not enough.

One of the things brought up in another thread is how a lot of men would rather be second or third in how much she loves him than be even a close second sexually. They would rather be the asshat that she keeps coming back to for a good fvck than the one she says that's so sweet to for the flowers. Not because they see her as nothing but a warm body, quite the opposite in fact. I think it has to do with the whole friend zone thing. 

Getting a woman as a friend is often times way easier than getting her as a lover. Sex is the thing that separates friendship and friendly love from a romantic relationship. One of the biggest fears of a man who is in love with a woman is ending up in the friend zone, and being anything less than the best sexually is seen as one step closer to the friend zone.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Sometimes I feel like I'm the best thing since sliced bread and others I feel like my dog would rather have a new owner. That's what confuses me. I figured low self esteem was low all the time or at least most of the time?


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

I Don't Know said:


> Sometimes I feel like I'm the best thing since sliced bread and others I feel like my dog would rather have a new owner. That's what confuses me. I figured low self esteem was low all the time or at least most of the time?


If you address this head on, it will improve ALL areas of your life...including your relationship with your wife.

Time to buckle down and do some work on your self.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

there is a phenomonan on TAM where a lot of assumptions about an OP and about their SO quickly become part of the narrative, and are nearly taken as fact very quickly, as the posts pile up......

just saying I notice this happening on this thread..... 
yes IDK has some insecurities, just like the rest of us. now some are comparing him bringing these up to his wife to cheating and physical abuse. i.e. what he is doing is another kind of abuse.
in contrast some of us are almost ready to give his wife the Nobel Peace prize....i.e. HE'S SO LUCKY!

IDK - in as much as you have any OCD tendencies I agree with others here that you should try therapy. It is possible to control the thoughts one thinks. I wish I could do it better myself but people can improve greatly in this area if they work with a therapist. and BTW some drugs have been found to have a positive effect on OCD. depends on the individual. 
anyway there are real and effective ways fo you to retrain your thinking and feel better. you should seriously look into them....

IDK - it looks to me like an insecure person (i.e. you...if you think you have major issues with that) ended up marrying an insecure person (your wife). my perspective on your #3 and #4 are a bit different than others here. I think trying to make marriage to a cheater work more likely indicates her low self-esteem than anything else. you also said she had 4 kids with a husband that would beat her? wow...I would bet she struggles more with her self confidence than you do - just over different things..

2 insecure people married to each other can make for a tough go. I would bet she could benefit from IC herself.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> But she chose you...is not useful in these cases because that is self evident, and obviously not enough.
> 
> One of the things brought up in another thread is how a lot of men would rather be second or third in how much she loves him than be even a close second sexually. They would rather be the asshat that she keeps coming back to for a good fvck than the one she says that's so sweet to for the flowers. Not because they see her as nothing but a warm body, quite the opposite in fact. I think it has to do with the whole friend zone thing.
> 
> Getting a woman as a friend is often times way easier than getting her as a lover. Sex is the thing that separates friendship and friendly love from a romantic relationship. One of the biggest fears of a man who is in love with a woman is ending up in the friend zone, and being anything less than the best sexually is seen as one step closer to the friend zone.


Brilliant. And the add to it the way relationships can start off full of sex and then end up as roommates. Not exactly my first marriage, it was never FULL of sex, but close. Maybe, I'm afraid that will happen here too. She was with A-holes and bad boys before, maybe she will lose attraction for me because I'm not those things. Well the A-hole part is debatable.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I Don't Know said:


> Brilliant. And the add to it the way relationships can start off full of sex and then end up as roommates. Not exactly my first marriage, it was never FULL of sex, but close. Maybe, *I'm afraid that will happen here too. She was with A-holes and bad boys before, maybe she will lose attraction for me because I'm not those things.* Well the A-hole part is debatable.


This right here is something I have struggled with myself. My wife has a long history of being with ass holes. All the things I am not. She chose them, was attracted to them...one after another, so to say that "she chose you" is not necessarily a ringing endorsement.

I do worry from time to time about this. I see what has tripped her trigger through out her life, and I don't fit that mold. I am not the things that obviously and clearly drew her in. I worry if I will be able to keep her attracted to me, keep her interest.

This is where history, choices, and patterns of behavior can become an issue. Along the lines of the thin, small chested brunette finding out her husband only watches big boobed, big butt, blonde porn.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> This right here is something I have struggled with myself. My wife has a long history of being with ass holes. All the things I am not. She chose them, was attracted to them...one after another, so to say that "she chose you" is not necessarily a ringing endorsement.



I guess some are not allowed to learn by their mistakes? Douche bag A, B and C suck. Third time was not a charm. Guy D is a total opposite of A, B and C. Guy D is someone I should have been looking for in the beginning. Stupid me. Live and learn.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> This is where history, choices, and patterns of behavior can become an issue. Along the lines of the thin, small chested brunette finding out her husband only watches big boobed, big butt, blonde porn.


Sir, if a H sits watching blonde big boob porn the W has more troubles than his history of poor choices.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

I Don't Know said:


> Sometimes I feel like I'm the best thing since sliced bread and others I feel like my dog would rather have a new owner. That's what confuses me. I figured low self esteem was low all the time or at least most of the time?


IDK, I happily married 20 years. Still going strong. Some days I'm the cats meow. Other days I'm just a douche bag. It comes with the territory. 

Even Captain America has woman issues.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Yeswecan said:


> I guess some are not allowed to learn by their mistakes? Douche bag A, B and C suck. Third time was not a charm. Guy D is a total opposite of A, B and C. Guy D is someone I should have been looking for in the beginning. Stupid me. Live and learn.


Yes there is an element of live and learn. But there's also what you are attracted to. If I always had dated tall redheads, I think my 5'0" light brunette wife might be curious why I'm picking her all of a sudden. And she could be the best woman to ever grace the planet, if she's not my type the attraction will not last. I fear the same but in reverse. If she's attracted to "those guys" she may have learned that it's bad for her but that doesn't mean she's not still attracted to them.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Yeswecan said:


> *I guess some are not allowed to learn by their mistakes?* Douche bag A, B and C suck. Third time was not a charm. Guy D is a total opposite of A, B and C. Guy D is someone I should have been looking for in the beginning. Stupid me. Live and learn.


Of course they are, but that is something very few people can simply take on faith in the face of a long history of the opposite. And those that do simply take it on faith are told they should have known better when history repeats itself.

It's a damned if you do, damned if you don't, and for the person with the history, at some point, right or wrong, you're going to start to lose the benefit of the doubt.

It's sort of like if someone always ordered a Big Mac every time they went to McDonalds. That fact is well known to all their friends, then one day when they are out, they order a quarter pounder...people are going to at least question it, and wonder what's up. Or the person who has been caught stealing repeatedly is going to be suspect when their next door neighbors house gets robbed.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I Don't Know said:


> Yes there is an element of live and learn. *But there's also what you are attracted to. If I always had dated tall redheads, I think my 5'0" light brunette wife might be curious why I'm picking her all of a sudden. And she could be the best woman to ever grace the planet, if she's not my type the attraction will not last. I fear the same but in reverse. If she's attracted to "those guys" she may have learned that it's bad for her but that doesn't mean she's not still attracted to them.*


Often times, what we have deemed to be our "type" is completely wrong for us. Seems backwards and counter-intuitive, doesnt it?? For me, my "type" has always been very tall, beefy men, and every tall, beefy man I have ever been involved with has crushed my world. This has included 3 marriages and several long term relationships. So clearly, I need to do something differently when it comes to relationships, right?? The man I am seeing now is polar opposite to my usual type. He is very short and not beefy..he is actually MY SIZE...unheard of for me! He is also very sensitive and relationship oriented, so even though we are very new to each other, I have a really good feeling about things. 

I say all this to make the point that your wife has made a wiser choice this time by choosing to be with you. Get help for your issues, or you will end up driving her away, and have no one to blame but YOU.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

I Don't Know said:


> Yes there is an element of live and learn. But there's also what you are attracted to. If I always had dated tall redheads, I think my 5'0" light brunette wife might be curious why I'm picking her all of a sudden. And she could be the best woman to ever grace the planet, if she's not my type the attraction will not last. I fear the same but in reverse. If she's attracted to "those guys" she may have learned that it's bad for her but that doesn't mean she's not still attracted to them.


There is always the first physical attraction(red heads). Then there is the learning about them faze. You could come to find she looks great but has a personality of a ice cube. Drip, drip. 

Ever what "Shallow Hal"?

But I understand your point. However, you will not find absolute perfect unless it is a Japanese lifelike robot. Even then they are a bit stiff.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

IDK,

If your wife is being supportive and building you up (and it seems like she does this), then she's done her part and, as you said, it's all your problem. 

My wife had a past, decided to change her ways (before meeting me) and it's been a wonderful 25 years. Everything she's done since we met has supported the proposition that she's changed. As secure as I am and as good as the relationship is, I can still get myself worked up about the past if I'm not careful. So, I'm careful.

So, you've GOT to get over this! At a minimum, you've got to stop talking to her about it. The only thing you can think about her past is: "She made mistakes, learned from them and is a different person now".

And, sam's right. "BUT she picked you" isn't going to be enough for 90% of men.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> Often times, what we have deemed to be our "type" is completely wrong for us. Seems backwards and counter-intuitive, doesnt it?? For me, my "type" has always been very tall, beefy men, and every tall, beefy man I have ever been involved with has crushed my world. This has included 3 marriages and several long term relationships. So clearly, I need to do something differently when it comes to relationships, right?? The man I am seeing now is polar opposite to my usual type. He is very short and not beefy..he is actually MY SIZE...unheard of for me! He is also very sensitive and relationship oriented, so even though we are very new to each other, I have a really good feeling about things.
> 
> I say all this to make the point that your wife has made a wiser choice this time by choosing to be with you. Get help for your issues, or you will end up driving her away, and have no one to blame but YOU.



How attracted to him are you physically? Do you think it will sustain or do you still look at the big beefy guys?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Buddy400 said:


> IDK,
> 
> If your wife is being supportive and building you up (and it seems like she does this), then she's done her part and, as you said, it's all your problem.
> 
> ...


You know the old saying...repeat a lie often enough, and you start to believe it. Well, the opposite is true as well. Repeat a truth often enough, and eventually you'll believe it.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> Of course they are, but that is something very few people can simply take on faith in the face of a long history of the opposite. And those that do simply take it on faith are told they should have known better when history repeats itself. *Circular thinking. Damned if you do. Damn if you don't. Life is unpredictable. You can do your best to protect yourself but sometimes it will not be enough. As such, living in a bubble is not that exciting.*
> 
> It's a damned if you do, damned if you don't, and for the person with the history, at some point, right or wrong, you're going to start to lose the benefit of the doubt.
> 
> It's sort of like if someone always ordered a Big Mac every time they went to McDonalds. That fact is well known to all their friends, then one day when they are out, they order a quarter pounder...people are going to at least question it, and wonder what's up. Or the person who has been caught stealing repeatedly is going to be suspect when their next door neighbors house gets robbed.


McDonald's is bad for you.

I'm not sure if we can equate stealing to poor choices in relationships. :scratchhead:


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> You know the old saying...repeat a lie often enough, and you start to believe it. Well, the opposite is true as well. Repeat a truth often enough, and eventually you'll believe it.


Self fulfilling proficy.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Then you have women who lie about their past....and many people can't figure out why....Then the guy gets mad because she lied (but really he's mad that she had sex with someone before). 

Many women, when younger, do realllllllyyyyy stupid things for attention if they are desperate for love and affection. Hell, some still do it later in life. Most grow up and tastes change. You get to a point in your life where you realize that you want something better for yourself. It takes forever to find because it's so rare these days. So, yes. You still have your crappy past that you wish you could forget - but you found this rare diamond....only to find out now, you're not good enough for that rare diamond because you're too tainted. 

So, she has her cheating ex H, her a-hole guy who told her mean things, and now you - who is saying no matter what she says/does...it won't be good enough to calm your insecurity. 

Seems to me she is the one with bigger issues. She keeps choosing men who don't appreciate her. 

If she already seems tired of it, then it won't be long before she starts to question whether she can deal with this for the rest of her life. You really need to try to get this under control as soon as you possibly can.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Yeswecan said:


> McDonald's is bad for you.
> 
> I'm not sure if we can equate stealing to poor choices in relationships. :scratchhead:


Oh good grief.

It's not about McDonalds, and comparing stealing and relationships. It is about patterns of behavior, benefit of the doubt, and faith in face of evidence to the contrary.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I Don't Know said:


> How attracted to him are you physically? Do you think it will sustain or do you still look at the big beefy guys?


I am extremely attracted to him, he is HOT!  I still look at ALL other guys, same as I always have, I mean I AM a female with a pulse!  (yes we are like men in that regard!) But that does not mean that I am coveting, not at all.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> Oh good grief.
> 
> It's not about McDonalds, and comparing stealing and relationships. It is about patterns of behavior, benefit of the doubt, and faith in face of evidence to the contrary.


I know that! 

It appears that some in this thread are attempting to create a secure life as possible. I don't see a issue with that. Not everyone is a thrill seeker. Now, when dating it is basically discovery faze. You either dump all the beans if asked or pretend she is Barbie with no past indiscretions. This goes for both. If you don't ask they certainly will not fess up that they did the entire football team. If one does not ask and get full disclosure on another's past it become a leap of faith. If said person has really hid something of note and you discover later then it is being deceptive. You have recourse to be upset.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Yeswecan said:


> I know that!
> 
> It appears that some in this thread are attempting to create a secure life as possible. I don't see a issue with that. Not everyone is a thrill seeker. Now, when dating it is basically discovery faze. You either dump all the beans if asked or pretend she is Barbie with no past indiscretions. This goes for both. If you don't ask they certainly will not fess up that they did the entire football team. If one does not ask and get full disclosure on another's past it become a leap of faith. If said person has really hid something of note and you discover later then it is being deceptive. You have recourse to be upset.


Even when it is not hidden, when the basics are known, it is also a reasonable expectation that the past then stays in the past. When it doesn't, when it is brought back up, either by the person with the past, or by other people that were part of that past, it is no longer the past, but now a part of the present.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> I am extremely attracted to him, he is HOT!  I still look at ALL other guys, same as I always have, I mean I AM a female with a pulse!  (yes we are like men in that regard!) But that does not mean that I am coveting, not at all.


 coveting is what I meant and started to edit to make it more clear.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> Even when it is not hidden, when the basics are known, it is also a reasonable expectation that the past then stays in the past. When it doesn't, when it is brought back up, either by the person with the past, or by other people that were part of that past, it is no longer the past, but now a part of the present.


Sometimes it does rear it's ugly head. However, if one is able to get around it the first time they can a second time. Sure, it is fresh again but actions speak louder. If, since day one of being together, the other has been nothing but picture perfect then the past should be left in the past. There was no great new revelation. Just opening of new mind movies I'm guessing. Or, sometimes a spouse is put on a pedestal. When the pedestal tumbles it can get ugly.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> *I am extremely attracted to him, he is HOT!*  I still look at ALL other guys, same as I always have, I mean I AM a female with a pulse!  (yes we are like men in that regard!) But that does not mean that I am coveting, not at all.


That's the important part. And I'm glad that you think he's hot.

However, it's completely possible that someone could be emotionally attracted to "bad boys", rationally decide that they should marry a "nice guy" and have the relationship ultimately fail because one can't just ignore the emotional needs. 

That's what guys fear will happen and why they worry so much about stuff like this.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

samyeagar said:


> You know the old saying...repeat a lie often enough, and you start to believe it. Well, the opposite is true as well. Repeat a truth often enough, and eventually you'll believe it.


Ok.. 1st I want to say, I am not trying to get "religious" on you but this doesn't mean everything one reads in a holy book is completely worthless.. There are scriptures that speak about *"PEACE"*...and how we need to FOCUS our minds on what is lovely, of a good report, it is calling us to HAVE HOPE... train our minds to anticipate the GOOD... to not allow ourselves to get caught up in a cesspool of negativity.. .this will BRIGHTEN our outlook , our moods ....and in this.. it will flow to others...we become a JOY to all in our lives... 

At one time, I allowed pessimistic thinking to drag me down in regards to having more children, I really NEEDED to train my brain to SHUT UP!... Then I would be Grouchy around my dear husband (He had his share of putting up with me at one time).... So you know what I did in trying to overcome some of this...

.. I took a # of scriptures.. typed them up...speaking on Peace.. *our thinking*....I taped them around my house... so I would see them in the morning, brushing my teeth, etc.. people who came to our house probably thought I was a religious nut!.. .oh well !...it had it's purpose... the funny things we do !










As another has said.. you have both brought insecurities into this union... they are just different ones.. if anything.. pat yourselves on the back because you ought to both understand each other, imperfections and all..

I don't agree with those who look at you as being Just another abuser to her though... if we all just dropped our relationships without trying to understand or bare with one another...we'd all be alone!...She knows your heart means well -this is worth hanging onto!

This article A Rational Approach to Jealousy | speaks of this OCD tendency....










Also says "The responsibility for dealing with jealousy in a relationship should be shared by the people involved. " If you are that important to her..she will do all she can to stick by you and help you through this...

Just Do all you can to meet her half way....anything worthwhile takes new discipline.. in this ...it's a discipline of the mind ...

Something like this...


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Buddy400 said:


> That's the important part. And I'm glad that you think he's hot.
> 
> However, it's completely possible that someone could be emotionally attracted to "bad boys", rationally decide that they should marry a "nice guy" and have the relationship ultimately fail because one can't just ignore the emotional needs.
> 
> That's what guys fear will happen and why they worry so much about stuff like this.


My SIL love the bad boys. Had dated a crap load of them. Then she dated nice guy. Educated, working and looking to make a life. She eventually dumped him because he was not the bad boy. My point is, a majority who really like the bad boy will actively look and stay with the bad boy. There are many that find dating the bad boy is not the answer. They find the nice guy going places. 

I believe by and large that guys do not worry about this stuff as much as you would believe.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Thanks to the posters who don't think it's quite as abusive as blacking her eye or serial cheating. 

Make no mistake, I know throwing it in her face is not right by any means and I know I have to stop this crazy train and just bask in the love of a good woman. And she is a very good woman.

I'm feeling pretty good about things today. I'm sure the support and advice here has had a lot to do with that. I appreciate all responses, even the ones that hit hard. They all had good intentions, and I've been known to give advice with a hammer myself.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

I Don't Know said:


> Thanks to the posters who don't think it's quite as abusive as blacking her eye or serial cheating.
> 
> Make no mistake, I know throwing it in her face is not right by any means and I know I have to stop this crazy train and just bask in the love of a good woman. And she is a very good woman.
> 
> I'm feeling pretty good about things today. I'm sure the support and advice here has had a lot to do with that. I appreciate all responses, even the ones that hit hard. They all had good intentions, and I've been known to give advice with a hammer myself.


My suggestion...ask your W point blank what her 5 top needs are. These needs that you are to meet or exceed. Could be affection, stability, protection, etc. Once you have the list begin meeting those needs. If her needs are met your needs are reciprocated by her. Tell her your needs so she can meet them. And, treat ever day like your are dating her. Most importantly, spend no less than 15 hours a week doing things together. Does not have to be all at one time. Hour in the morning drink coffee. Walks in the evening. Be creative.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Yeswecan said:


> *My suggestion...ask your W point blank what her 5 top needs are. These needs that you are to meet or exceed. Could be affection, stability, protection, etc. Once you have the list begin meeting those needs. If her needs are met your needs are reciprocated by her. Tell her your needs so she can meet them. And, treat ever day like your are dating her. Most importantly, spend no less than 15 hours a week doing things together. Does not have to be all at one time. Hour in the morning drink coffee. Walks in the evening. Be creative*.


This book a great starting point to explore just this......

His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage  ~ these are the Core Emotional Needs addressed in the book....



Could also print this Questionnaire out & share with each other.. 








 Emotional Needs Questionnaire









........


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Yeswecan said:


> My suggestion...ask your W point blank what her 5 top needs are. These needs that you are to meet or exceed. Could be affection, stability, protection, etc. Once you have the list begin meeting those needs..


Lists are always a good idea, for both the writer and reader.

In this instance, IDK may need to remind himself that whatever his wife writes down isn't an anagram for 'a bad guy on a harley'.

I'm teasing,,, but the better he identifies the myriad ways his quests for negativity operate, it gives him opportunities to learn to interrupt them.

Knowledge is power.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

I Don't Know said:


> Sometimes I feel like I'm the best thing since sliced bread and others I feel like my dog would rather have a new owner. That's what confuses me. I figured low self esteem was low all the time or at least most of the time?


Well, which is it?

Self-esteem (notice the word "self") comes from a rational assessment of who you are, what you're good at, and what you fail at.

No one else can give you self esteem. No one else can take it away. It is 100% completely your responsibility to nurture it and to be objective in keeping it accurate.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Flying_Dutchman said:


> Lists are always a good idea, for both the writer and reader.
> 
> *In this instance, IDK may need to remind himself that whatever his wife writes down isn't an anagram for 'a bad guy on a harley'.*
> 
> ...


It's more the bad guy with a bass.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Cletus said:


> Well, which is it?
> 
> Self-esteem (notice the word "self") comes from a rational assessment of who you are, what you're good at, and what you fail at.
> 
> No one else can give you self esteem. No one else can take it away. It is 100% completely your responsibility to nurture it and to be objective in keeping it accurate.


I'm not sure and that's why I wonder if it's insecurity or if I'm bipolar or something.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

I Don't Know said:


> I'm not sure and that's why I wonder if it's insecurity or if I'm bipolar or something.


As the brother of a severe type II bipolar who has attempted suicide, if you think it might be mental illness, get thee to a doctor.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I Don't Know said:


> Well, my RJ has been becoming more and more of an issue. I am going to try my best to post exactly what bothers me and hopefully you guys can help me figure out what it is and how to stop it.
> 
> It bothers me that my wife has....
> 
> ...


Everything you list is from a MAN'S perspective. Women think completely differently than men. 

Are you in IC to get help for your low self esteem?


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

I am not in IC. I have looked into it in the last few days though. It's probably what I need.

Would you mind explaining how a woman thinks about these points?


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Cletus said:


> As the brother of a severe type II bipolar who has attempted suicide, if you think it might be mental illness, get thee to a doctor.


I don't know if it is or not, but getting looked at is probably not a bad idea.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, from the women I've known in my 56 years, I've never heard a single one say 'yeah, I like him more cos of his size.' Not one. That's what you guys obsess about, not us. And girls may think a band guy is sexy at first, but once she gets a taste of being ignored while he screws 20 other girls, she learns pretty quick that just being in a band isn't enough to make us want him. And her feelings for her ex are complex, he was probably her first so it was hard to admit failure, when she picked him she was probably more immature than she is now so what she wanted back then isn't what she wants now, and she's learned better. And women have sex for a WIDE variety of reasons; a lot of times it's because of pressure of one kind or another, or to keep another girl from getting him, or because he guilted her, or any number of reasons.

And guess what? Not a single one of these things had ANYTHING to do with YOU.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

turnera said:


> Well, from the women I've known in my 56 years, I've never heard a single one say 'yeah, I like him more cos of his size.' Not one. That's what you guys obsess about, not us. And girls may think a band guy is sexy at first, but once she gets a taste of being ignored while he screws 20 other girls, she learns pretty quick that just being in a band isn't enough to make us want him. And her feelings for her ex are complex, he was probably her first so it was hard to admit failure, when she picked him she was probably more immature than she is now so what she wanted back then isn't what she wants now, and she's learned better. And women have sex for a WIDE variety of reasons; a lot of times it's because of pressure of one kind or another, or to keep another girl from getting him, or because he guilted her, or any number of reasons.
> 
> *And guess what? Not a single one of these things had ANYTHING to do with YOU*.


But it does establish a pattern and track record of thought and behavior.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Yay, a good day again. I want to try to explain why "but she's with you now" doesn't really help.

First off none of this is rational and those of us who have it know that.

Secondly. My mind justifies the "she's with you now" by saying they were 90% of what she want's but had one or two bad traits that were deal breakers. I on the other hand am 60% of what she wants but have not exposed or do not have a deal breaker. It's the wistful what if's that I worry about.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I Don't Know said:


> I am not in IC. I have looked into it in the last few days though. It's probably what I need.
> 
> Would you mind explaining *how a woman thinks *about these points?


IDK... Three words for your problem...

*COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL THERAPY!!!!*

Learn to *redirect* your thoughts (the endless loop of mind-movies running through your head) the MOMENT they begin...

If you won't go to counseling and get help ASAP, there's no help for you...

You don't NEED to know a woman's perspective (believe me, I could give you plenty, but it will just FEED your endless loop and make you feel FAR worse than you already feel)...

Get thee to a qualified counselor, like yesterday.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

P.S. RJ is part of an OCD complex....

You likely cannot fix this on your own, without the help of a qualified OCD-trained therapist.

Go, right now, to one!!! You are long overdue.

You are about to sabotage and destroy your marriage over your OWN insecurities...

There is no pity for those who WON'T SEEK HELP. You know what your problem is. You have RJ disorder. Find someone who can help you solve this issue before it is too late.

If you don't fix it now, it will just crop up in your next relationship (which will fail for the same reason) and the next... and the next...


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP:

I agree it sounds like you obsess about some of things way too much. On the other hand, as I think I entioned your wife's background makes me think she has some major insecurities of her own. in particular sticking so long (seemingly) with a cheating husband. do you trust your wife? does HER behavior (not you RJ) ever give you reason to think that she is interested in sokmone else? does she flirt with other guys? talk about other guys???


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## MidlifeWife (Jul 2, 2012)

The past is the past, water under the bridge. And introductory reading of Buddhist philosophy can help one focus their mind on the present moment. Change is inevitable, the present moment is the only one you can experience with any kind of certainty. Every time you allow yourself to obsess over things that happened in the past that are out of your control-- out of anyone's control-- it is an escape from focusing on the present moment. Any time you worry about things you cannot control and how they might affect your future, you are escaping from present reality. The present moment might be pretty delightful, and you could be missing out. Take a deep breath and exhale slowly and as you do, be glad for working lungs. Relationships come and go in time, your current relationship will either last and be joyful, or it won't. If any of your worst fears manifest, you can worry about that if it happens. You'll survive a breakup! So, for the time being, try to enjoy yourself!


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## MidlifeWife (Jul 2, 2012)

Also, I learned this from Thich Nhat Hanh, No Death, No Fear. We are both a continuation of ourselves and a completely different version of ourselves as were before. I am not the same person I was at age 7 or 17 or 27, I've evolved. Your wife is an evolution of her prior self. You are as well. Your relationship just happened to manifest as a result of the two of you meeting & connecting where you happened to be geographically and as evolving individuals. You wouldn't be the person you are today if it weren't for the person you were yesterday, that was part of your journey. And the same is true for her. I looked up RJ and I see it is no different than any other rumination on a fixed past. I liked musicians at age 20, at age 40 what I want is a stable life with a husband who comes home to his family every night (and not when the concert tour is over in 18 months). I am not the same person I was at 20, although she is a dear part of my history. I may fondly remember something about that time when I hear a particular song on the radio or happen across an old photo while looking for something in storage. But my happiness, all of it, is in the present moment as that is all I have to experience. One more book title, Charlotte Kasl, If the Buddha Dated. I think it provide a lot of insight into why "RJ" is a fruitless endeavor.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Careful, IDK! It sounds from what you've said that she's found in YOU the things that the other guys just didn't have and could NEVER give her. You're the man *she's chosen *for her life's partner. For God's sake, don't drive this woman away! You'll regret it for the rest of your life.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Thanks MidlifeWife. I'm going to check out that book about Buddha dating. Sounds interesting. The book I had that deals with RJ drew a lot on Buddhist principles. 

I agree thumper! I absolutely would regret it. I've gone about 3 weeks now without many problems. A few minor random thoughts, but they passed quick and I didn't bring it up. Tomorrow might be the day I do it again, but today WILL NOT!


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

The weird thing is that when I look at her past relationships I always think if so and so hadn't done this or that, she'd still be with him. I imagine everything else was exactly what she wanted except for that one flaw that drove her away. She says everything else was tolerable but not great and certainly not perfect and that's why that flaw was a deal breaker (eventually).


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## marriedandlonely (Nov 7, 2011)

I Don't Know said:


> Well, my RJ has been becoming more and more of an issue. I am going to try my best to post exactly what bothers me and hopefully you guys can help me figure out what it is and how to stop it.
> 
> It bothers me that my wife has....
> 
> ...


My thoughts are,sexual fulfillment isn't always a huge penis your best tactic is to learn how to please the lady with what you have ask her what SHE likes and do your dambdest even further learn to be the best lover she has ever had and if the relationship ends then you'll be a better lover next time round 
You can't make people love you


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