# So confused...



## Jaytee (Nov 18, 2021)

I'm 43 yo man. My wife is 53. Been together about 12 yrs but only married for 2. Split up a time or 2 also while we were dating . We are from 2 different worlds & it's amazing we've lasted this long. My issue is my wife is so negative & so cold. She says she's going thru menopause(at least she thinks) she doesn't care about sex or even being loved on or when I compliment her she shoots it down.anythung & everything irritates her but I feel like it's mostly me that does it but idk how. We have. Been to counseling & it worked great for about month. I'm scared to touch her , talk dirty & flirty with her, we don't lay on the couch together anymore or none of that stuff. I feel like she's a ticking time bomb if I say the wrong thing. I want to be loved on I want to be touched I want to feel appreciated I want to know that I'm a priority...I feel none of these. I'm no pushover by any means but this is not what my idea of marriage is & I feel like I deserve so much better but I love her madly & want it to work...am I a fool for thinking she will snap out of it ? Is it her hormones? Anyone been thru this any advice is GREATLY APPRECIATED!!!!! TY


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Why did you two split up while dating?


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## hairyhead (Oct 30, 2015)

You need to read up on the menopause to get a better understanding of what she is going through.

She is probably going through hell, physically and/or mentally. Give her some slack and do lots of research. Better still show some compassion and suggest you research together. That way you can develop a common understanding.

Your situation is what my wife (post menopausal) said would be really hard. Her libido dropped like a brick and whilst mine is still good it is not as high as it was when we were 43.

Good luck. Read. Talk. Be patient.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You were with her for 10 years before you got married. Didn't you see any red flags?


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

There are a lot of "I" statements here.

Yes it's her hormones. No she won't just snap out of it, as it takes time for them to rebalnce.
My menopause was absolute hell, but I've come out of it stronger.
Your wife might also be going through hell and not able to meet your needs whilst in survival mode.

You both need to learn about this stage in a relationship, and how it can affect you both.

I'm not saying that there was, (though you mention splitting up), but any poor behaviour on your part in the past, that was rug swept or not properly dealt with, might resurface in her mind now, together with any other past traumas she may have suffered. 

The fact that you say you split a few times already, doesn't give much hope of you two navigating these stormy seas.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, menopause plays a big part at her stage of life. It’s unknown whether her libido is gone permanently or some period of time (it goes away forever for some but not for others). You’re much younger than she is. How’re you going to feel about that if it’s gone forever?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

hairyhead said:


> You need to read up on the menopause to get a better understanding of what she is going through.
> 
> She is probably going through hell, physically and/or mentally. Give her some slack and do lots of research. Better still show some compassion and suggest you research together. That way you can develop a common understanding.
> 
> ...


Don't be so quick to blame it ALL on menopause or on yourself.

In fact, try to look at each issue from an outside perspective. There sounds like more is going on than menopause or you causing this. Your expressions of desiring a better M are normal.

There are more factors causing the problems than menopause.


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

Have these qualities in your wife developed slowly? Where they there from the beginning or recent?


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## hairyhead (Oct 30, 2015)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Don't be so quick to blame it ALL on menopause or on yourself.
> 
> In fact, try to look at each issue from an outside perspective. There sounds like more is going on than menopause or you causing this. Your expressions of desiring a better M are normal.
> 
> There are more factors causing the problems than menopause.


Maybe but until they both understand the potential impact of the menopause and start to factor that into the situation they will struggle to progress.

Once they better understand they can filter some issues out and concentrate on the big issues. However they will NOT do this unless both try to learn and understand.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Don't be so quick to blame it ALL on menopause or on yourself.
> 
> In fact, try to look at each issue from an outside perspective. There sounds like more is going on than menopause or you causing this. Your expressions of desiring a better M are normal.
> 
> There are more factors causing the problems than menopause.


This. It never ceases to amaze me when men accept menopause as an excuse for a whole host of negative marital dynamics.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Jaytee said:


> I'm 43 yo man. My wife is 53. Been together about 12 yrs but only married for 2. Split up a time or 2 also while we were dating . We are from 2 different worlds & it's amazing we've lasted this long. My issue is my wife is so negative & so cold. She says she's going thru menopause(at least she thinks) she doesn't care about sex or even being loved on or when I compliment her she shoots it down.anythung & everything irritates her but I feel like it's mostly me that does it but idk how. We have. Been to counseling & it worked great for about month. I'm scared to touch her , talk dirty & flirty with her, we don't lay on the couch together anymore or none of that stuff. I feel like she's a ticking time bomb if I say the wrong thing. I want to be loved on I want to be touched I want to feel appreciated I want to know that I'm a priority...I feel none of these. I'm no pushover by any means but this is not what my idea of marriage is & I feel like I deserve so much better but I love her madly & want it to work...am I a fool for thinking she will snap out of it ? Is it her hormones? Anyone been thru this any advice is GREATLY APPRECIATED!!!!! TY


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Livvie said:


> This. It never ceases to amaze me when men accept menopause as an excuse for a whole host of negative marital dynamics.


Men have been taught this from a young age.

Women have hormone 'issues', be careful, tread lightly when they are under that dreaded influence.

At that delicate _older age_, (with some) the hormones leave in a torrent, spinning free from her body, leaving the poor ladies head also spinning. Her emotions are very edgy.

It is an easy explanation, an easy _out

Out _and away from her affections, he_ out_ from her furry slipper.

_Men_ are instructed to take _pause_ during this ordeal...._men oh pause_.

*I do agree*, that being selfish, disrespectful and cold, comes from some other lacking.

This lacking of kindness, respect and love, are both, normal and basic expectations.

.............................................................................................

IMO hormones certainly do affect one's personality, (and energy level) in both males and females.

Thus, the lack of them changes a person from their younger selves. Energy levels do go down.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I really hope the OP returns. It would be helpful to get more of the story.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Jaytee said:


> I'm 43 yo man. My wife is 53. Been together about 12 yrs but only married for 2. Split up a time or 2 also while we were dating . We are from 2 different worlds & it's amazing we've lasted this long. My issue is my wife is so negative & so cold. She says she's going thru menopause(at least she thinks) she doesn't care about sex or even being loved on or when I compliment her she shoots it down.anythung & everything irritates her but I feel like it's mostly me that does it but idk how. We have. Been to counseling & it worked great for about month. I'm scared to touch her , talk dirty & flirty with her, we don't lay on the couch together anymore or none of that stuff. I feel like she's a ticking time bomb if I say the wrong thing. I want to be loved on I want to be touched I want to feel appreciated I want to know that I'm a priority...I feel none of these. I'm no pushover by any means but this is not what my idea of marriage is & I feel like I deserve so much better but I love her madly & want it to work...am I a fool for thinking she will snap out of it ? Is it her hormones? Anyone been thru this any advice is GREATLY APPRECIATED!!!!! TY


Since she is a decade older than you, this time was bound to arrive. She maybe feels like crap from the ”chsnge of life”. Not much you can do about that, she is the only one could work on it but evidently doesnt care to.

I personally havent been through this dynamic (yet) but it is pretty common from all I read. Maybe 1/2 of woman with menopause change to be like your wife. NOTHING you can do, it isnt likely to change. Your sex life with her is over. Sorry for the gloom. Does she like cats yet?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

While menopause likely is a factor here, it's still not an excuse for bad behaviour, or a licence to treat your spouse poorly. I know, I'm going through the early stages of it and have told my husband that if I do become difficult, he needs to hold me to account for my behaviour. Simply dismissing it at menopause is not ok.

She's likely feeling exhausted from chronic insomnia, then add hot flushes on top of that and anxiety, it's not a good feeling.

All that aside, it wouldn't kill her to say to you "I know I'm not at my best right now, but I'm trying, please hang in there with me, I love you". Geez.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

it is what it is. she is older, and experiencing issues from old age that you do not have nor understand yet. 

if sex is important to you, and she is willing to try, she CAN get her libido back from hormone replacement therapy. bio-identical seeds seem to be the way to go.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

frusdil said:


> While menopause likely is a factor here, it's still not an excuse for bad behaviour, or a licence to treat your spouse poorly. I know, I'm going through the early stages of it and have told my husband that if I do become difficult, he needs to hold me to account for my behaviour. Simply dismissing it at menopause is not ok.
> 
> She's likely feeling exhausted from chronic insomnia, then add hot flushes on top of that and anxiety, it's not a good feeling.
> 
> All that aside, it wouldn't kill her to say to you "I know I'm not at my best right now, but I'm trying, please hang in there with me, I love you". Geez.


Just as an example, our M went through the change, and without such selfish problems and without sexual drought. 

Each challenge was faced together, and sh!t life goes on. Wtf would happen otherwise if otherwise M was good?


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Does she work? Have you check phone records? If she doesn't want you to touch her, it could be because she is being faithful to someone else.

I think the menopause angle is just an excuse and there is something deeper going on with her and how she feels about you.

Do not live you life in fear of her.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

re16 said:


> Does she work? Have you check phone records? If she doesn't want you to touch her, it could be because she is being faithful to someone else.
> 
> I* think the menopause angle is just an excuse* and there is something deeper going on with her and how she feels about you.
> 
> Do not live you life in fear of her.


Maybe, but if so it is an "excuse" used often for what is happening to the OP's previously happy marriage. Is a husband losing interest as his aging gonads procuce less testosterone using that as an excuse for losing interest? 

We are creatures ruled by body chemistry. The hormones can have a huge impact on both genders, as any man dealing with wife's PMS or pregnancy or woman dealing with her tiger husband becoming a docile housecat can attest. While women these days can delay menopause symptoms with HRT, and men can rev up their interest with T injections, they can't avoid it forever because there are potential bad effects from that therapy forcing a halt. A high PSA in a man will call a halt as will a bad biopsy in a woman. The prescribing doctor will stop prescribing pronto. Then it is just a crap shoot how the couple's sex life goes.

These are the times when "in sickness and health" and "for better or for worse" clauses apply. Hopefully the OP n wife built a bond strong enough to weather the storm.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

A loving wife would find a way to deal with her menopause and to be close to her husband. And the husband would find a way to be patient and to work with his wife if the menopause is affecting their relationship.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> A loving wife would find a way to deal with her menopause and to be close to her husband. And the husband would find a way to be patient and to work with his wife if the menopause is affecting their relationship.


Hopefully. But not having traveled that road (yet) I can’t honestly say. There are several females on here who could maybe enlighten OP and us facing it in the inevitable future.


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