# Am i over-reacting ??



## sojo87 (Jun 9, 2010)

Im 22 and have been married for almost 2 years, we were dating 8 years before we married. We have two children together. My husband lies alot not about anything big, but little lies. and it makes me wonder when he is telling the truth. He also is not very goal orriented that bothers me alot, i want a bright future for my kids and myself. He hangs around the wrong people. all of his friends are jobless low-lifes who smokes weed. i know he smokes weed sometimes behind my back, and he promises he will never do it again, but when i catch him, he makes it into a HUGE argument. because of his tendancies, i am not sexually aroused. I love him to death but his habits are a turn off. I want the relationship to be better, but i dont know where to start.


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## thetruth (May 15, 2010)

can you give some examples of his 'little lies'? 
its no big deal for guys to want to hang out with their friends and drink some beers or smoke some weed, guys need that male-bonding experience or they get squirrelly but you have to talk to him about limits on it. I often find what is most effective in situations like this is compromise...in other words, you don't nag him or ***** about him hanging out with his friends once in awhile, you let him do his own thing but he has to limit it to once a week or once a month or whatever you decide is fair. And in exchange, he has extend the same kind of compromise towards you, something that you think is for the best, be it for you personally or the relationship as a whole


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## sojo87 (Jun 9, 2010)

Well for instance he lies about going out, he can be at someones house and says he is home, but my six year old tells me! i dont think he is cheating, because its his friends houses that he goes to that are males. 

He also lies about the weed, he recently got offered a great job, and finally told me that they asked for a drug test and he was gonna fail, so he needed to borrow someones urine. 

I am just so overwhelmed because i work very hard, to give my kids the best of everything, and he doesnt seem to work hard at all. if it was up to him he would stay home everyday and watch tv and play video games!


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## thetruth (May 15, 2010)

yeah weed makes you lethargic and lazy, I have no problem with recreational use but chronic use usually leads to the behavior you are seeing. My advice still applies though, if he feels like he has the freedom to blow off steam with the boys once in awhile he won't feel like he has to lie about silly things like that. Seriously try a compromise with him...he needs to get a job so tell him he needs to lay off the weed for 4-5 weeks to get it out of his system so he can pass a piss test and get a good job. Once he's got the job they won't test again unless he's working for the government or something like that. Compromise will go a long way towards a healthy relationship but he has to understand that slacking and not working so he can hang out with his stoner friends all the time is not acceptable


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## sojo87 (Jun 9, 2010)

Thanks. But how can i emotionally get over this, so we can be intimate again. (its me, i dont want him near me, because of his habits) I just want to get over it and be happy. But its easier said then done.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

i tend to agree with *thetruth*. he's going to lie to you as long as he feels he being controlled by you. im not saying what he is doing is right, i personally feel it is wrong, but i also feel its wrong to parent your spouse by telling them what they can and cannot do. i believe in setting clear boundaries and in compromising. instead of telling him what he can and cant do, try to set up some compromises like thetruth mentioned, and then if your H still does not compromise, start thinking about what you are going to do if he cannot commit to the marriage. Just try not to tell him what to do. Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self


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## sojo87 (Jun 9, 2010)

i never tell him what to do. i Just want him to be open with me, within the past two years he picked up the weed habbit. Which hurt me a lot because he knew where my childhood started. I lived with two alcoholic parents, that were verbally abusive and lazy slobs and had no goals and didnt provide for us kids. I told him from the get go my life as an adult would be totally different than how i was raised. I would never want my kids to experience what i did. Thats the one thing i will always stand my ground on, and he knew that the day we got married. He also smokes weed, then drives with my kids in the car!! i think that is the most irrisponsible thing any parent could do!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

sojo87 said:


> Which hurt me a lot because he knew where my childhood started. I lived with two alcoholic parents, that were verbally abusive and lazy slobs and had no goals and didnt provide for us kids. I told him from the get go my life as an adult would be totally different than how i was raised. I would never want my kids to experience what i did.


and now your kids are experiencing what you did. that always happens. You will attract a person that makes you confront your childhood. never fails. Until you heal from your childhood you will continue to attract this kind of man. If you leave him, you will find another guy just like him until you heal yourself. There is a book called Seat of the Soul- you might want to read it. 



sojo87 said:


> He also smokes weed, then drives with my kids in the car!! i think that is the most irrisponsible thing any parent could do!


why didnt you report him? you may be an enabler. It is irresponsible of you not to report him for endangering your children. 

So if you ask him to be more open with you, and he's not, what do you do? You've asked him to stop smoking and he wont, what do you do? I told my H if he stopped going to counseling I would leave. He goes to counseling. all boundaries dont have to be quite so drastic, but something as serious as driving your kids around while smoking requires severe boundaries.


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## thetruth (May 15, 2010)

well its not near as bad as driving around drunk but still that's the last thing you should be doing with the children in the car, sounds like he needs a wakeup call if he thinks this kind of behavior is OK


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Sojo,
This is going to come off as REALLY harsh but I think you need it. Apologies in advance (from one Mother to another). He is smoking weed and that is preventing him from passing a drug test, so he needs to borrow somebody else's urine in an effort to get a job. Please reread that statement again. You work hard to provide for your kids and he wants to sit around playing video games. Please reread that statement again. He lies to you about where he is and what he is doing and involves your 6 year old in this. Please reread that statement again. Next up, he is driving around with your children in the car while he is high. Please reread that statement again. After all that, your concerns are "are you over reacting" and "how can you get over this emotionally so you can be intimate again. 
I am wielding a GIANT 2x4 here. Do you have ANY idea what will happen to your children if he is pulled over while under the influence of weed? Do you? It could be anything from a broken headlight, rear light, to expired tags. He will still be high. Do you understand that while drunk driving is taken VERY seriously, being under the influence of an illegal substance is taken even MORE seriously? Why? Because it is illegal. We can go into should it/shouldn't be but in the eyes of the law it is. If he is by himself the car will be impounded and his license suspended for a minimum of 6 months and he will be charged with a misdemeanor. That is if he doesn't have any weed in the car. If he does, a possession charge will be added to that and if it is over ONE OUNCE it is a felony! If he has your kids in the car, regardless of possesion, it will be a FELONY charge of CHILD ENDANGERMENT that will not only involve the police but Child Protective Services. Do you understand that? Do you also know that because you had prior knowledge of his actions and allowed it that YOU will also be charged with child endangerment? They can track cell phone records, IM's, emails, you name it. Any conversation you had with him about being upset that he was under the influence with your children in the car will be evidence in court. So what happens to your children? Foster care. Even if it is for one night, do you want that?!
This isn't about letting a "man be a man". This is about being a responsible parent! A real man would NEVER drive around high with his kids in the car. 
Can I ask you a question? Why do you want this bum in your life? You sound intelligent and you are very young. The WORLD is your future. Is it really with him?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

It is so true--your whole family is in danger b/c of his behavior. Get him out until he cleans up or a divorce proceeding is completed--that's how much time he gets. And be quite sure he understands, if he cleans up, he must stay 100% clean, or you are gone. And you must mean it. 

If you cannot be intimate with him b/c of his behaviors, be quite sure he understands that. He may clean up and you may still find yourself unable to reconnect. That is ok; you can only do so much. He has made some seriously bad choices and if those choices mean he loses you, so be it. 

It may seem cruel, but you need to protect your kids from him so do NOT hide his drug problem when filing for divorce. Make it very clear that he cannot be trusted with them unsupervised b/c of his drug habit. If you expose him, you protect your children and yourself from ever ending up in the awful scenario of him being arrested while high and driving with the kids in the car. That would be such a nightmare.

Stop enabling him. Start taking care of yourself and get the counseling you need. God bless; it may not be easy, but you will feel so much better for taking control of this situation and taking control of how your own past may be affecting you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If he is not working, just kick the bum out. He contributes NOTHING. 

Tell him that, when he's gotten and held a job for 6 straight months, you'll consider letting him come back home.

It will be the single best decision you'll ever make in your life.


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## sojo87 (Jun 9, 2010)

Thanks for all the advice, We had a very serious conversation last night. I'd say things went well. We have an appointment next thursday at 730 for counseling, if that doesnt work, my life as a single mom begins. I really appreciate the advice, harsh or not. its the truth, And i need the truth.


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## Eraz2010 (Apr 1, 2010)

Oh dear, this is another post thats going to lead to me sharing more than I bargained for...

Everyone is totally right about the weed. I have no probs with weed provided no-one is driving etc and the kids are in bed... and someone needs to stay off it incase of a kiddie emergency or something like it. I can't comment on the pee-test issue as where I live an employer does not have the right to test your bodily fluids... and I am not sure I would let them.

He needs a wake-up call and some discipline. And by discipline I mean exactly that. My marriage was in a similar state, I was being pig-headed, not listening and finding my wifes frustrations "amusing" rather than taking them seriously.

The first time she ordered me over the bed or to pack and leave. I took it, was embarrassed etc and rather confused (not to mention bruised...as wow! she gave it to me! With my own belt). BUT she talked through exactly her frustrations whilst doing it and I remembered it word-for-word (unlike normal arguments).

Men sometimes need discipline. Sounds like your guy could use a HUGE dose. Just stay clam and don't raise your voice.


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## Eraz2010 (Apr 1, 2010)

...and a note on the counselling... we've shared this with a counsellor since my wife implemented it, and the reaction was, and I quote, "It can be a really useful tool in conflict resolution and harmony in a marriage provided neither side feels humiliated or degraded"... although it was humiliating at the time, not immediately afterwards.

...and our marriage is awesome now.


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