# My husband wants a divorce, and I really don’t.



## brown2017 (Jun 1, 2018)

We’ve been together 6 years, married for 1 1/2. My husband and I have this fairly reoccurring fight but yesterday it blew up. I have a really hard time listening. Until I got married, I didn’t know it was a skill one has to learn, but here we are. Every time we’ve had this fight, I just assumed that it was because I don’t hear well and kept asking him to repeat himself. Yesterday, however, in the midst of this big fight, I realized that it’s not just about me not hearing him, but also that I just don’t comprehend it. I think I know what he’s trying to tell me and I do it, but I misinterpreted it usually. So, I tell him that I’m very sorry that I have been so bad at listening and that I’m going to get help, a therapist or counselor to help me learn what I don’t know, because I can’t fix it if I don’t know how. He comes back with “it doesn’t matter anymore, I’m sick of this fight and you always say you’ll do better but you never do. I hate you and I’m leaving. I’ll look for an apartment tomorrow.” And locks the bedroom door. I know he feels unheard and unappreciated, and I understand now what the root cause is here. I really don’t want our marriage to end, but I don’t know how to show him that I’m working on my issues here if he moves out. I had an appointment with my therapist today, and she’s helping me learn how to communicate, but he’s giving me the silent treatment and I think he really wants to end this, but I truly don’t know because this is his preferred approach to fighting. He threatens divorce, ignores me for a few days, and then we move on.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Can you please be a bit more specific as to the issue you are referencing?

I have some thoughts, but it is hard to advise unless we know some details.

Sorry you are hurting in this. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

*Re: My husband wants a divorce, and I really don’t.*



brown2017 said:


> We’ve been together 6 years, married for 1 1/2. My husband and I have this fairly reoccurring fight but yesterday it blew up. I have a really hard time listening. Until I got married, I didn’t know it was a skill one has to learn, but here we are. Every time we’ve had this fight, I just assumed that it was because I don’t hear well and kept asking him to repeat himself. Yesterday, however, in the midst of this big fight, I realized that it’s not just about me not hearing him, but also that I just don’t comprehend it. I think I know what he’s trying to tell me and I do it, but I misinterpreted it usually. So, I tell him that I’m very sorry that I have been so bad at listening and that I’m going to get help, a therapist or counselor to help me learn what I don’t know, because I can’t fix it if I don’t know how. He comes back with “it doesn’t matter anymore, I’m sick of this fight and you always say you’ll do better but you never do. I hate you and I’m leaving. I’ll look for an apartment tomorrow.” And locks the bedroom door. I know he feels unheard and unappreciated, and I understand now what the root cause is here. I really don’t want our marriage to end, but I don’t know how to show him that I’m working on my issues here if he moves out. I had an appointment with my therapist today, and she’s helping me learn how to communicate, but he’s giving me the silent treatment and I think he really wants to end this, but I truly don’t know because this is his preferred approach to fighting. He threatens divorce, ignores me for a few days, and then we move on.


Communication is a funny thing. You, likely, genuinely are bad at listening. And lord is he sure ever bad at taking. Good on you for getting therapy.

If he is really done, not sure what you can do. But if post silent treatment, do not accept the SOP. That is no way to live. Insist on marriage counseling.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Knowing the sort of issue would help a lot.

Just keep in mind that a good / happy marriage requires *both* people to be happy. If he is truly unhappy and whatever difference there is cannot be resolved, then divorce may be the best option for both of you.


----------



## brown2017 (Jun 1, 2018)

farsidejunky said:


> Can you please be a bit more specific as to the issue you are referencing?
> 
> I have some thoughts, but it is hard to advise unless we know some details.
> 
> ...


The issue we’re having is that I grew up in a very dysfunctional family, and was never taught to listen and/or communicate effectively. I’ve been trying to figure it out on my own and failing miserably. He’s frustrated by it, understandably. However, he has a pattern of asking for a divorce, giving me the silent treatment for 4-5 days, then going on to pretend nothing happened, however he doesn’t usually look at apartments so I don’t really know what to think at this point.


----------



## brown2017 (Jun 1, 2018)

uhtred said:


> Knowing the sort of issue would help a lot.
> 
> Just keep in mind that a good / happy marriage requires *both* people to be happy. If he is truly unhappy and whatever difference there is cannot be resolved, then divorce may be the best option for both of you.


The issue we’re having is that I grew up in a very dysfunctional family, and was never taught to listen and/or communicate effectively. I’ve been trying to figure it out on my own and failing miserably. He’s frustrated by it, understandably. However, he has a pattern of asking for a divorce, giving me the silent treatment for 4-5 days, then going on to pretend nothing happened, however he doesn’t usually look at apartments so I don’t really know what to think at this point.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

*Re: My husband wants a divorce, and I really don’t.*

It might help to know the sort of issues. Are you not listening to him talk about money issues? Sexual desires? He favorite sports team? Children? Politics?






brown2017 said:


> The issue we’re having is that I grew up in a very dysfunctional family, and was never taught to listen and/or communicate effectively. I’ve been trying to figure it out on my own and failing miserably. He’s frustrated by it, understandably. However, he has a pattern of asking for a divorce, giving me the silent treatment for 4-5 days, then going on to pretend nothing happened, however he doesn’t usually look at apartments so I don’t really know what to think at this point.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

*Re: My husband wants a divorce, and I really don’t.*

Work with me when I ask you about this, because it matters.

When you say you have trouble listening, it sounds an awful lot like something you've heard him say and have come to believe.

I'm not arguing that you don't need work in therapy, nor am I saying you don't have a problem.

But I would tell you in just the limited amount you have told us already, you are far from the only one in your relationship with problems that need to be addressed.

So...what specifically are you not listening to, or not hearing?


brown2017 said:


> The issue we’re having is that I grew up in a very dysfunctional family, and was never taught to listen and/or communicate effectively. I’ve been trying to figure it out on my own and failing miserably. He’s frustrated by it, understandably. However, he has a pattern of asking for a divorce, giving me the silent treatment for 4-5 days, then going on to pretend nothing happened, however he doesn’t usually look at apartments so I don’t really know what to think at this point.


Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

@brown2017 , 
You came here about a year ago, and much of the situation then is still here. You seem to be getting a handle on the problem (s). Please stick with us this time. So far you have been given excellent advice. Another thing we can help you with is practice conversation. When you type you have time to think twice before replying. This gives you good practice in "listening", if you keep trying. 
I'm going to ask some very specific questions. 
Who's name is on the apartment lease?
Is it both of you?
Is it just one of you?
Did you live together before the marriage?
Do you have Children?
Do you feel that you understand what he wants you to do?
Let's start there.


----------



## brown2017 (Jun 1, 2018)

Mr. Nail said:


> @brown2017 ,
> You came here about a year ago, and much of the situation then is still here. You seem to be getting a handle on the problem (s). Please stick with us this time. So far you have been given excellent advice. Another thing we can help you with is practice conversation. When you type you have time to think twice before replying. This gives you good practice in "listening", if you keep trying.
> I'm going to ask some very specific questions.
> Who's name is on the apartment lease?
> ...


We both own the house we live in.
We lived together for two years before marriage, and these issues were there then but it wasn’t this bad. 
We don’t have children, but two cats and a dog.
No, I really don’t understand which is half the problem. I have hearing loss, which annoys him to no end, and then also, I don’t understand what he wants from me but don’t know how to ask him about it because half the time I don’t think he knows what he wants me to do. He isn’t clear about what he wants, and when I try to do it, he gets angry because he didn’t want that but he doesn’t clarify really when I ask.


----------



## brown2017 (Jun 1, 2018)

farsidejunky said:


> Work with me when I ask you about this, because it matters.
> 
> When you say you have trouble listening, it sounds an awful lot like something you've heard him say and have come to believe.
> 
> ...


I guess maybe I don’t as much have an issue with “listening” more with hearing and with understanding. I have minor hearing loss so I don’t really hear him all the time. And when he asks me to do something, or for something, I don’t understand what he wants but I know he hates repeating himself so I just do what I think he means. And it’s usually wrong.


----------



## brown2017 (Jun 1, 2018)

uhtred said:


> It might help to know the sort of issues. Are you not listening to him talk about money issues? Sexual desires? He favorite sports team? Children? Politics?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I guess a lot of it is financial, and then also that I don’t hear him well. I have minor hearing loss so he constantly is repeating himself which makes him feel like I’m not caring enough to listen. I’m also not really meeting his sexual needs but it’s hard when he does this kind of thing.


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Good, Much better.
I'm going to have to ask you for one more thing. You need to be honest with us. A year ago you had a Daughter and a Dog (puppy). Now you have 2 cats instead of a daughter.
Being older, I have a lot of experience with hearing loss. Mine and people I know. I have two methods that could help you.
One is when I hear something but I'm not sure I heard right, I repeat it back. it helps to be humorous when you do this, or at least it helps me. For example I might say, "Did you say you wanted me to wash a banana?" It is hard to be upset with someone who is silly.
The other thing that helps a lot is if the person talking to me touches me so I can look at their face when they are talking to me. Ask your husband to do this. 

Some other important things. Moving out of the marital home is abandonment, he should not do this lightly. But you can not make him stay. 

You have been advised that his behavior is abusive, and that worries us a lot. His conflict avoidance is starting to boil up in little explosions. That cycle needs to be broken.

So you feel you are not meeting his sexual needs. The side issue is that your sexual needs are also being unmet. Hasn't he heard of make up sex? (just an idea)
Tell us what you think of our advice. Let us know when he breaks silence.


----------



## brown2017 (Jun 1, 2018)

Mr. Nail said:


> Good, Much better.
> I'm going to have to ask you for one more thing. You need to be honest with us. A year ago you had a Daughter and a Dog (puppy). Now you have 2 cats instead of a daughter.
> Being older, I have a lot of experience with hearing loss. Mine and people I know. I have two methods that could help you.
> One is when I hear something but I'm not sure I heard right, I repeat it back. it helps to be humorous when you do this, or at least it helps me. For example I might say, "Did you say you wanted me to wash a banana?" It is hard to be upset with someone who is silly.
> ...


Our daughter was a foster child we were going through the process to adopt, but it fell through, because her birth father petitioned for custody back and won. And sadly the puppy passed away about 6 months ago after getting hit by a car. I tried to instigate some makeup sex yesterday, and he rejected me. I don’t know what else I can do.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

First of all I had more hearing loss than I realized. I got hearing aids. Geeze what a difference.

Your H threatening divorce all the time is immature. You both need work


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

*Re: My husband wants a divorce, and I really don’t.*



brown2017 said:


> *Our daughter was a foster child we were going through the process to adopt, but it fell through, because her birth father petitioned for custody back and won. *And sadly the puppy passed away about 6 months ago after getting hit by a car. I tried to instigate some makeup sex yesterday, and he rejected me. I don’t know what else I can do.


I can see how that can add to your sadness.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

*Re: My husband wants a divorce, and I really don’t.*

Try to get a device for your ears. I can see how that would be annoying. My father was losing his hearing and it really annoyed my mother. And even as I was not around full time, that inability to hear can get annoying.

It also reminded me of ex husband who had a habit of selective sight, hearing and memory. It is true that you start to wonder if your partner is purposely being uncooperative.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree with others about getting your ears checked and get hearing aids. Also, when he talks, sit so that you can also read his lips.

Your example is still not specific enough for us to know what is going on. You said that you don't know what he wants so when you don't do what he wants, then he gets angry and goes silent.

My take on that is that you are not the only problem. If he does not know what he wants, how are you supposed to know?

Could please give us a specific example. What was the topic of your last fight? What was he asking you to do? What did you do?


----------



## brown2017 (Jun 1, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> I agree with others about getting your ears checked and get hearing aids. Also, when he talks, sit so that you can also read his lips.
> 
> Your example is still not specific enough for us to know what is going on. You said that you don't know what he wants so when you don't do what he wants, then he gets angry and goes silent.
> 
> ...


I have an appointment with an audiologist tomorrow, hopefully I can get answers. And our most recent fight was over our homeowners insurance. I said they raised our rates, and he told me to talk to my dad, and I called my agent and then a guy my father recommended and asked how we could lower our rates. I assumed that’s what he was wanting me to do, but apparently he just wanted me to ask my dad if it’s normal. Since then he’s been mean and alternating between ignoring me, and then telling me he doesn’t want to be with me and that he’s moving out June 1.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

*Re: My husband wants a divorce, and I really don’t.*

Hearing loss isn't your fault, but look into options for aids that are within your budget. Meanwhile ask him to please speak directly to you where you can see him - that helps a lot. 

Financial issues really do need to be discussed. Its easy to feel helpless when you partner isn't listening. Please either try very hard to understand what he is saying, or have him write it down - or just trust him to handle all the money and tell you want you can spend. Money is math, and all the wishing in the world will not allow you to spend more than you have. 

When did the sex problems start? Are they the result of communication issues, or were they always there. Dose he meet your sexual needs? Do you feel his "needs" are reasonable and something you are comfortable doing, or does he want unreasonable things.







brown2017 said:


> I guess a lot of it is financial, and then also that I don’t hear him well. I have minor hearing loss so he constantly is repeating himself which makes him feel like I’m not caring enough to listen. I’m also not really meeting his sexual needs but it’s hard when he does this kind of thing.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

If he doesn’t want to be with you and wants to leave, by all means let him go. Hold the door, even. The silent treatment is a form of abuse, especially when followed by no apology, and you need to stop tolerating it. Then again if he is leaving June 1, you won’t have to worry about it anymore, will you! I have an ex husband who did this, and so help me I will never ever tolerate this in a relationship ever again. 

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.go...ssistic-persons-preferred-weapon-0602145/amp/


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: My husband wants a divorce, and I really don’t.*



brown2017 said:


> I have an appointment with an audiologist tomorrow, hopefully I can get answers.


Good :smile2:


brown2017 said:


> And our most recent fight was over our homeowners insurance. I said they raised our rates, and he told me to talk to my dad, and I called my agent and then a guy my father recommended and asked how we could lower our rates. I assumed that’s what he was wanting me to do, but apparently he just wanted me to ask my dad if it’s normal. Since then he’s been mean and alternating between ignoring me, and then telling me he doesn’t want to be with me and that he’s moving out June 1.


Ok, this is why a real life example is necessary. 

Your husband is completely out of line here. You are beating yourself up and saying that you did not understand him. It sounds to me like you understood him just fine. 

The homeowner's insurance is as much your financial responsibility as it is his.

Your husband is not your boss. He does not get to order you around.

You did talk to your dad and he recommended someone for you to talk to. Then you followed through on what your father suggested. Your husband should be glad that you handled it.

It is completely appropriate that you handled things the way you did.

Your husband locking you out of your bedroom and going silent for days is unacceptable. It's considered emotional abuse. 

You say that you have some problem in which you do not understand what he says, as though you are deficient in some way. This is the kind of self doubt that his unreasonable anger, locking you out and giving you the silent treatment is causing. That's what emotional abuse does, it tares down a person's self esteem, makes them unsure and then has them walking on eggshells. What's the point of him being abusive like his? It gives him power in the relationship. He's always right and you are wrong and 'stupid'.

I think you would benefit from seeing a counselor who handles people who are in an emotionally abusive relationship because you need to learn how to stand up to him to put an end to this nonsense.

And yea, being treated like that by your spouse will most likely lead to you not wanting to have sex with them.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

*Re: My husband wants a divorce, and I really don’t.*



brown2017 said:


> I guess maybe I don’t as much have an issue with “listening” more with hearing and with understanding. I have minor hearing loss so I don’t really hear him all the time. And when he asks me to do something, or for something, I don’t understand what he wants but I know he hates repeating himself so I just do what I think he means. And it’s usually wrong.


I think the challenge before you is determining how much of your supposed inability to "listen" is something you can work on and how much is him laying blamey BS at your feet. I am strongly suspecting the latter.

If he wants you do to something - have him write it down. If he won't, there is a big clue. If he will, you have something to examine to determine where the communication failed after the fact.


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

@brown2017 ,
You are getting some really great advice. I just want to summarize the answers so far and encourage you to keep talking with us.
Your husbands go to fighting method is immature and abusive. Much of your self doubt is a result of that abuse.
If your husband has chosen to leave, that is his right and you should not (physically) try to stop him. It is OK to use gentle persuasion and love.
It is a good idea to have a lawyer to represent you in the divorce.
There are some concrete things he can do to help your hearing and communication. So far he is not doing them.
You are seeing an audiologist, good.
His sexual needs are not the only needs in this relationship. You have sexual and emotional needs as well. There is a good book on this if you want to read up.

A note about the homeowners insurance. Insurance rates go up with everything else. It is more expensive to replace your house this year than last year. Also the risk may have changed. Shopping around is a great way to manage home insurance increases. A good agent will recommend this.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

*Re: My husband wants a divorce, and I really don’t.*



EleGirl said:


> Your husband is not your boss. He does not get to order you around.


THIS! This is very important!


----------



## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

I have to be honest...why are you so accepting that this is all your fault, your inadequacies? You seem too willing to concede power to him this way vs. balance. It's tough to respect someone that doesn't respect themselves and that may be fueling a dynamic where he doesn't appreciate you, is fast to criticize, etc. In short by appeasing him and avoiding constructive dialog you're telling him you're not worthy of him. 

For example - he's a grown man - and he's angry at you over something he 'delegated' that honestly he should be involved in? As a man i'm sure to take care of all my household, all the details. 

Only you know the dynamic but the picture you're painting isn't pretty for you. Marriage at any cost is a horrible way to live.


----------

