# Going through divorce... I need some help...



## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

I know since i'm the one making all this happen, i'm sure i wont receive too much sympathy, but i'm hoping someone can make some sense of my situation... 

i separated from my wife in august... she moved out, but we stayed in contact to give her some time to try to work things out with me. fastforward to after thanksgiving, nothing was changing, nor did i see anything going differently in the future, so I told her we were done. no infidelity, abuse, etc... just plain old incompatibility. no kids, and we're both still young, so it's a clean easy break for both of us.

so fast forward a few weeks, we're both starting to move on. I've had plenty of time to work on myself, weekly counseling, etc. but i haven't quite put myself out there. i've met a few girls but nothing serious as of yet, and i'm ok with that. 

we're trying to keep things amicable, and even since we haven't "signed on the dotted line" yet, we are still in a small communication. trying to stay friends, it's not like we hate each other, just bad partners for life. 

so i'm hearing about her putting herself out there, flirting with guys, preparing to go on dates, etc... and it's KILLING me. 

i know i know, i'm doing the same thing. going on dates, flirting, etc. that's what happens when you split up. i get that. 

the thing is I do truly want her to find happiness, but the fact that the thought of her moving on bothers me, well, that bothers me. i should be happy for her, right? it shouldn't effect me, right? 

so why in the world do i feel like this? why do i care what she does with her life? 

i'd like to not care about this... it's affecting me. not in a bad way, and i'm not regretting my decision. i guess that's the problem... i don't know "WHY" it's bothering me in the first place. is this normal? how do i overcome this? it's like i don't feel like i'll be ok with her moving on until i've moved on... completely. selfish i know. i want to fix it. what do i do? 

i hope this makes sense and someone can give me some tips. 

(been married for 7 years - married at 22)


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> it's like i don't feel like i'll be ok with her moving on until i've moved on...



maybe subconsciously you feel like she (the dumpee) should not be feeling better about it than you (the dumper) do
maybe you're afraid she'll leave you in the dust dating-wise
maybe you're afraid she'll be able to completely erase you from her life
It's alright to feel ALL of your emotions, even the crazy confused ones. You're young and maybe you're worried (slightly) about the future; it'll be fine. She will find someone new who clicks with her better; you will find someone new who clicks with you better.

You WILL be happy for her when she's moved on and found happiness with someone else. For now, focus on the present, focus on the positives. You two do NOT have children going through their parents divorcing. You two are young enough to move on and create for each of you the life you want.

It's been a fairly recent split; let the feelings come and go. Writing things down may help you focus and feel more centered.

You're doing alright; you (and she) will get to where you're supposed to be just fine!


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

thanks for your words.. if it's normal then i suppose i'll just "have" them and figure it out as i go...

it was the hardest when she first moved out. but as i've been on my own i've gotten better. i suppose i was a little short sighted to think that i've gone through the "grieving" process of being alone and all that... i simply didn't think i was going to experience any more of this... afterall, i was the one that made the call. i was/am happy about it. but then doubt and regret come into play and i don't even know why. 

i'm successful in business. i'm super smart, and have been told i'm sexy to boot. i'm going to be ok, i'm not worried about that one bit... but maybe subconsciously i am... 

i just wish i didn't experience these feelings. i've moved on. i want to stay moved on.


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

any tips on how to get this out of my mind?


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

Its normal to immensely dislike the idea of your ex with another man. Its pure instinct. That's all it is. Sure you want her to be happy, but the thought of your women with another man will probably always make you cringe to a degree. 

Just chalk it up as natural and move on. It doesn't mean anything.


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## zappy88200 (Dec 6, 2012)

hi matty - I go through the same feeling everytime I see my wife pics on FB and Can't control my emotions.

Things that are going for you:-

(a) You are young
(b) You are a WHITE American citizen (I Assume). Being a citizen of this great country is the biggest blessings of all.
(c) You have been told you are sexy to boot
(d) You are super smart
(e) Run a successfull business
(f) Can speak English (hehehehehehe)
(g) Have no Kids

So what else are you looking for brother.

Don't get jealous and DO NOT try to find about her because if you do it will only hurt you.

I've a picture of my wife in my album, she was 5 months preg in that picture but actually aborted my FIRST child when she was 6 months, every time I look at that picture tears start coming out like a heavy rainfall. So I try NOT to look at it.

Stay Happy brother and God Bless

Zappy


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

god, i miss her. it's just an addiction right?... (i keep telling myself)


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

mattyjman said:


> god, i miss her. it's just an addiction right?... (i keep telling myself)


 You miss having someone and miss your old life as it was. You have to learn to be happy with yourself and not rely on her. You will miss her from time to time greatly, but it will fade. However if you dwell on it it will just make you feel worse. I miss my wife tremendously and though I feel I do better as each day passes It still hits me from time to time. 

Try to keep your mind off things and treat yourself to something that makes you happy or start a project. One thing that helps is to write a list of all the things you want to do. Projects, classes, even just small things to decorate the house or things you need to buy etc. Then when you feel bored or lonely look at the list and do one of them. You will get a sense of accomplishment and help to keep your mind off her. Keeping busy is great medicine. Just hang in there and take care of yourself.


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## timeforpain (Apr 29, 2012)

I think this is pretty standard, especially for guys. You break up with a girlfriend (for whatever reason) and tell yourself you can live without her, that you're better off, and BOY are you happy now. But then she has a new BF and it kills you.

I've experienced this too before, and it's entirely irrational. I think it has to do with control: you don't want to be in a relationship with a woman anymore, but you still want to maintain control over that person and she's engaging in an action that jeopardizes your control... DATING!

Of course you have to try and shed those feelings as much as you can: by surrendering the relationship (or being dumped) you have lost whatever rights you have to control the other person's behavior. She can date and you have no right to intervene. IT STILL HURTS though.

Each of us works differently, but I would react to this by having a daily conversation with myself trying to reaffirm that my feelings are real, but that they are irrational and trying to come to terms with that. Talk to a friend about it (but not to her!). 

The worst thing you could do (and many people do this!) is to directly or indirectly try to sabotage her new social life. Some men will start to spread rumors, leak personal information about their ex, etc, to try and harm her chances at a new life. That's pretty awful...


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

Or you could be like most psychoanalysts and say it all stems from childhood. No kid likes to share their toys!


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