# Alcoholism creating insecurities?



## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

So lately, my husband has been showing some insecurities - which is not like him. The first year or so of our marriage - he really didn't care about what I did with my time (probably because I was clingy - which I still am, but in a more loving way?). Here lately, he's becoming more vocal about how he really doesn't want me going to the gym. This probably sounds stupid - but I think its because he feels guilty about being an alcoholic and not trying to better himself like he promises and I'm over here busting my butt to lose weight. He says my gym time (1 hour per day, 3 days per week) is taking from my time at home and he doesn't like it. At first, I was really saddened by this but now I'm just frustrated.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Lol I spend at least an hour a day in the gym and then when you consider driving 3 days a week I spend 1h45 and the rest minimum 1h.

I look at it this way, it’s a health thing. No gym time = early grave. I also tend to go at times such that it doesn’t interrupt time I want to spend with my wife. So I will work out during the work day when she is working or before she gets up on the weekend.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

No one who cares about you wants you to be unhappy.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

ccpowerslave said:


> Lol I spend at least an hour a day in the gym and then when you consider driving 3 days a week I spend 1h45 and the rest minimum 1h.
> 
> I look at it this way, it’s a health thing. No gym time = early grave. I also tend to go at times such that it doesn’t interrupt time I want to spend with my wife. So I will work out during the work day when she is working or before she gets up on the weekend.


I work an hour away from home. I was thinking about going before work since we both work during the day. This is his complaint also - I only have so much time with him in the evenings but I don't go on the weekend but then that means that I have to leave even earlier which puts me in bed earlier and still takes away from our time.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> No one who cares about you wants you to be unhappy.


The house chores have been falling behind (really, I just quit cleaning up after him)


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> The house chores have been falling behind (really, I just quit cleaning up after him)


That has nothing to do with anything. You are not his servant.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> That has nothing to do with anything. You are not his servant.


This was one of his complaints. House duties are lacking - but we also had an emergency trip to Florida last week. He stated that when I'm at the gym - he's sitting at home waiting for me and while doing so, he's just sitting there drinking and not being productive. He wants me to be productive with him around the house.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

You're doing great. He can lead, follow, or get out of the way.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> This was one of his complaints. House duties are lacking - but we also had an emergency trip to Florida last week. He stated that when I'm at the gym - he's sitting at home waiting for me and while doing so, he's just sitting there drinking and not being productive. He wants me to be productive with him around the house.


If he has time to pickup the bottle, he has time to pickup a dish.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

But you know - in the 50's, the women did the house work....


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> You're doing great. He can lead, follow, or get out of the way.


I told him that I will come home and help him with his projects. Please pray that god gives me patience.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> So lately, my husband has been showing some insecurities - which is not like him. The first year or so of our marriage - he really didn't care about what I did with my time (probably because I was clingy - which I still am, but in a more loving way?). Here lately, he's becoming more vocal about how he really doesn't want me going to the gym. This probably sounds stupid - but I think its because he feels guilty about being an alcoholic and not trying to better himself like he promises and I'm over here busting my butt to lose weight. He says my gym time (1 hour per day, 3 days per week) is taking from my time at home and he doesn't like it. At first, I was really saddened by this but now I'm just frustrated.


OMG..this resonates. I used to be just like your husband and still a little am. It's 100% he feels like a loser and using gym as an excuse to have you back drinking at home with him so he doesn't feel bad about himself. That mixed in with a little insecurity you might find something better at the gym. Funny thing is, if he used that to motivate himself, those insecurities fall by the wayside really fast.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

Mybabysgotit said:


> OMG..this resonates. I used to be just like your husband and still a little am. It's 100% he feels like a loser and using gym as an excuse to have you back drinking at home with him so he doesn't feel bad about himself. That mixed in with a little insecurity you might find something better at the gym. Funny thing is, if he used that to motivate himself, those insecurities fall by the wayside really fast.


I don't really drink with him because I feel like it enables him even more. Sometimes I will have a date night with him and drink some jameson, but I haven't really been drinking too much with him. You are correct though. He said he feels very guilty about it.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> I work an hour away from home. I was thinking about going before work since we both work during the day. This is his complaint also - I only have so much time with him in the evenings but I don't go on the weekend but then that means that I have to leave even earlier which puts me in bed earlier and still takes away from our time.


I used to have a 1h commute in the morning, I would drive to the gym at 5:15am, work out, drive home, take a shower, then go to work. As such my wife never even noticed I was gone.

I gave up really lengthy and annoying workouts like road biking the local hills, which would take 2-3 hours sometimes. On the weekend I would go with my buddy and it would spill into wife time. So I quit all that and do something that takes less time and I do it before she wakes up or during the day when she’s working. For example today I am working out at 1:30pm after lunch. She will be in the middle of working and won’t even notice.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

ccpowerslave said:


> I used to have a 1h commute in the morning, I would drive to the gym at 5:15am, work out, drive home, take a shower, then go to work. As such my wife never even noticed I was gone.
> 
> I gave up really lengthy and annoying workouts like road biking the local hills, which would take 2-3 hours sometimes. On the weekend I would go with my buddy and it would spill into wife time. So I quit all that and do something that takes less time and I do it before she wakes up or during the day when she’s working. For example today I am working out at 1:30pm after lunch. She will be in the middle of working and won’t even notice.


That all sounds fantastic. I live in the boonies and there isn't a gym near me, so the closest 1 is by my office. I may talk to him about just going in to work earlier, and working out before I go in. Sometimes I go to the office early anyhow. I don't really do lengthy work outs. I'm there for probably an hour or so. I work M - Fri from 8 to 4. I would go straight to the gym, get there at 4:10 or so and leave at 5 and then get home around 6:30 or so because I have to do grocery shopping as well. He really just doesn't like me to be gone when he's home. When he's working out of town, that's fine because he is usually at the bar with his coworkers.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

What do you think would happen if you just told him you're going to work out when it's convenient for you? Why do you need to adjust your schedule to suit him? Perhaps you don't realize it, but that is enabling him by allowing him to control when you work out. 

Perhaps you don't realize it yet, but alcoholics aren't satisfied with their own lives, so they project that dissatisfaction onto others. And, by allowing him to project, you are (again) enabling him.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You’re in a no-win situation.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

Prodigal said:


> What do you think would happen if you just told him you're going to work out when it's convenient for you? Why do you need to adjust your schedule to suit him? Perhaps you don't realize it, but that is enabling him by allowing him to control when you work out.
> 
> Perhaps you don't realize it yet, but alcoholics aren't satisfied with their own lives, so they project that dissatisfaction onto others. And, by allowing him to project, you are (again) enabling him.


Perhaps you are correct but as of right now, I'm going to try this and see how this works.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Why do you feel it is necessary to adapt to his demands? What do you think would happen if you told him you want to work out at your convenience and not his?


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

Prodigal said:


> Why do you feel it is necessary to adapt to his demands? What do you think would happen if you told him you want to work out at your convenience and not his?


Because there is something at the root that is creating all of this and I will find it. I love and care for my husband and he isn't always like this - so when he is - there is generally a reason.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

He's the alcoholic. Don't you think he should be responsible for figuring out his own issues?

AGAIN ... What do you think would happen if you didn't agree with his demand that you work out when it's convenient for him?


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

I don't know. He will sit and drink in self pitty? Or he will get mad and stomp his feet at me. Either way, I'm tired and just want everything to be ok.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

You are not humanly capable of making him be "okay" because you cannot control his behavior and choices. You are doing what he wants you to do so he won't drink or throw a tantrum. You don't seem to be aware - yet - that you cannot control his responses. However, it seems you are letting HIM and HIS behavior control the choices you make.

I'd suggest you buy Melody Beattie's ground-breaking book, Codependent No More, but I have the feeling you would be afraid he'd find you reading it and have a tantrum. Well, you can always give it a shot. You may want to check out this forum: The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com. There is a subforum there titled "Friends and Family of Alcoholics." It could prove to be eye-opening. At least it may help you to realize you DO have the right to not let an alcoholic call the shots as to how you want to live your life.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

Prodigal said:


> You are not humanly capable of making being "okay" because you cannot control his behavior and choices. You are doing what he wants you to do so he won't drink or throw a tantrum. You don't seem to be aware - yet - that you cannot control his responses. However, it seems you are letting HIM and HIS behavior control the choices you make.
> 
> I'd suggest you buy Melody Beattie's ground-breaking book, Codependent No More, but I have the feeling you would be afraid he'd find you reading it and have a tantrum. Well, you can always give it a shot. You may want to check out this forum: The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com. There is a subforum there titled "Friends and Family of Alcoholics." It could prove to be eye-opening. At least it may help you to realize you DO have the right to not let an alcoholic call the shots as to how you want to live your life.


He's quite aware and has told me to join AlAnon. I will give them a shot


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> But you know - in the 50's, the women did the house work....


Buy a new calendar. It's 2022. 

You don't have to cowtow to him just because he whines. You can't make things OK for him by making them more miserable for you. If he doesn't like the state of the house his remedy is to clean the house, not criticize you while sitting on his lazy butt & drinking.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

OP, have you ever heard of crab in the bucket syndrome?

Crabs are in a bucket and if one tries to crawl out the others pull it back in.

Of course be a supporting wife but do not let yourself go because he feels bad. He's a grown ass man and responsible for himself.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Just FYI, but alcohol consumption is a major cause of depression, anxiety, paranoia, and irritability. It directly affects serotonin, dopamine, and another chemical in the brain that are directly linked to mood. We all have had those weekends of way too much booze. But have you ever noticed that sometimes the next day you feel a bit depressed or just mentally off? This is because of alcohol. Also keep in mind that alcohol causes dehydration which affects everything with a person.

I would suggest in a very loving way to encourage your spouse to seek help with the alcohol. Also encourage him to go to the gym with you and make it a friendly competition to see who can outdo the other.


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## Corgi Mum (10 mo ago)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> He's quite aware and has told me to join AlAnon. I will give them a shot


I highly recommend you do this! Try a few different groups if you can because although they will all follow basically the same format, some will have a different sort of vibe that may be a better fit for you than others.

Spoiler: the first thing you will learn in Al-Anon is the three Cs. You don't Cause alcoholism, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it. In other words, no matter how you pretzel yourself into adapting to the alcoholic's whims, they will always find something new to complain about. It's not you, and it's not the time you spend at the gym... it's HIM.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

lifeistooshort said:


> OP, have you ever heard of crab in the bucket syndrome?
> 
> Crabs are in a bucket and if one tries to crawl out the others pull it back in.
> 
> Of course be a supporting wife but do not let yourself go because he feels bad. He's a grown ass man and responsible for himself.


I told him that I'm going to the gym tonight. He didn't fight me on it.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

Corgi Mum said:


> I highly recommend you do this! Try a few different groups if you can because although they will all follow basically the same format, some will have a different sort of vibe that may be a better fit for you than others.
> 
> Spoiler: the first thing you will learn in Al-Anon is the three Cs. You don't Cause alcoholism, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it. In other words, no matter how you pretzel yourself into adapting to the alcoholic's whims, they will always find something new to complain about. It's not you, and it's not the time you spend at the gym... it's HIM.


I know this, and he knows this


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

I told him that I am going to go to the gym tonight after work - his response was to stop for groceries too so then I don't have to worry about it for the rest of the week because that takes time away from us as well. I don't know what it is that is making him feel so guilty about us not having enough time together - but there's something there and I will get it figured out. I also think he's realizing how ridiculous he sounds.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> Just FYI, but alcohol consumption is a major cause of depression, anxiety, paranoia, and irritability. It directly affects serotonin, dopamine, and another chemical in the brain that are directly linked to mood. We all have had those weekends of way too much booze. But have you ever noticed that sometimes the next day you feel a bit depressed or just mentally off? This is because of alcohol. Also keep in mind that alcohol causes dehydration which affects everything with a person.
> 
> I would suggest in a very loving way to encourage your spouse to seek help with the alcohol. Also encourage him to go to the gym with you and make it a friendly competition to see who can outdo the other.


We have talked about him going with me, quite a few times. He would like to beef up. He's a small guy. He wants to slow down on the drinking - he just needs to find something else to replace it with. I will gladly sit and drink water all day. He did drink pop yesterday, as well. He does try.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Well the good thing is, at least for me, going to the gym and working out hard makes me less likely to drink and makes it easier to stay off the juice.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> We have talked about him going with me, quite a few times. He would like to beef up. He's a small guy. He wants to slow down on the drinking - he just needs to find something else to replace it with. I will gladly sit and drink water all day. He did drink pop yesterday, as well. He does try.


Maybe that's a clue as to why he's worried about the gym.

He's a small guy with an alcohol problem who'd like to beef up. Maybe he's afraid that the gym makes you look good and you might meet a beefier guy there?

Insecurity makes people act out. You can't cater to it but to your point if you could identify it you could try to address it.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

lifeistooshort said:


> Maybe that's a clue as to why he's worried about the gym.
> 
> He's a small guy with an alcohol problem who'd like to beef up. Maybe he's afraid that the gym makes you look good and you might meet a beefier guy there?
> 
> Insecurity makes people act out. You can't cater to it but to your point if you could identify it you could try to address it.


He has stated this quite a few times, that he is worried that I will lose weight and find somebody better than him. In a sense, there will always be that possibility of somebody being better than him. But that other man is NOT him and this is what I keep reminding him. I will get this figured out!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> I will get this figured out!


It sounds like your husband has some insecurity issues. You keep saying you will figure this out. If they're HIS issues, don't you think he should work on it himself?


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

Prodigal said:


> It sounds like your husband has some insecurity issues. You keep saying you will figure this out. If they're HIS issues, don't you think he should work on it himself?


Yes.


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