# “I don’t have to seduce you, you’re my wife!”



## VeraPalm (3 mo ago)

I’ve been married for 12 years, and during the whole time my husband has never done anything to turn me on. Whenever he wants sex he’ll just walk up to me out of nowhere and say “Do you wanna have sex?”… No kissing, no flirting, no seduction at all. I’m usually busy reading or doing something around the house when he asks me, and since I’m not thinking about sex at all at the time, I end up saying no most of the time. When I do say yes, instead of grabbing me by the waist and making out while we slowly take each other’s clothes off, he’ll just walk to the bedroom by himself, take all his clothes off and stand there naked waiting for me. I’ve talked to him about this many times, explained that I need him to entice me a little more before sex, but he says he doesn’t have to seduce me because I’m his wife. Does he thing because I married him I’m supposed to be aroused and ready to go 24/7? He then complains that we don’t have enough sex, but refuses to change. I actually have a very healthy libido, and would love to have sex with him a lot more often, but the way he goes about it doesn’t work for me at all, so I end up masturbating instead. I sometimes suspect he actually doesn’t want anymore sex, and refuses to arouse me so he can blame me for our lack of sex. I don’t know what to do anymore, I’m becoming very resentful of him as I feel I’ve spent most of my youth trapped in this relationships while I could’ve been getting great sex elsewhere. What should I do?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you ever initiate sex with him?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

VeraPalm said:


> I’ve been married for 12 years, and during the whole time my husband has never done anything to turn me on. Whenever he wants sex he’ll just walk up to me out of nowhere and say “Do you wanna have sex?”… No kissing, no flirting, no seduction at all. I’m usually busy reading or doing something around the house when he asks me, and since I’m not thinking about sex at all at the time, I end up saying no most of the time. When I do say yes, instead of grabbing me by the waist and making out while we slowly take each other’s clothes off, he’ll just walk to the bedroom by himself, take all his clothes off and stand there naked waiting for me. I’ve talked to him about this many times, explained that I need him to entice me a little more before sex, but he says he doesn’t have to seduce me because I’m his wife. Does he thing because I married him I’m supposed to be aroused and ready to go 24/7? He then complains that we don’t have enough sex, but refuses to change. I actually have a very healthy libido, and would love to have sex with him a lot more often, but the way he goes about it doesn’t work for me at all, so I end up masturbating instead. I sometimes suspect he actually doesn’t want anymore sex, and refuses to arouse me so he can blame me for our lack of sex. I don’t know what to do anymore, I’m becoming very resentful of him as I feel I’ve spent most of my youth trapped in this relationships while I could’ve been getting great sex elsewhere. What should I do?


That is messed up. I guess I'm assuming there are children involved but if not I don't know what's keeping you there. He's not even trying. Doesn't act like he wants to be around you when he's not wanting sex? 

You're only have this one life. I wouldn't stay in something that wasn't making me happy.


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## VeraPalm (3 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> Do you ever initiate sex with him?


Yes, the only time we actually do it nowadays is when I initiate it, because then I’ve already turned myself on in my head, so he doesn’t have to do it.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Was he like this with you dated?


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## VeraPalm (3 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> That is messed up. I guess I'm assuming there are children involved but if not I don't know what's keeping you there. He's not even trying. Doesn't act like he wants to be around you when he's not wanting sex?
> 
> You're only have this one life. I wouldn't stay in something that wasn't making me happy.


.
We have a child, yes. And also we had to move abroad for his work, so now I’m in a foreign country and financially dependent on him. But also he’s a good husband apart from that and I do love him.


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## VeraPalm (3 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> Was he like this with you dated?


No, he actually knew how to be flirty and seductive before marriage. Then after marriage he got lazy I guess.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

When you talked with him were you very blunt?


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Gottman Card Decks App - Couples | The Gottman Institute


Inspired by the popular card decks from The Art and Science of Love weekend workshop for couples, this fun app offers helpful questions, statements, and ideas for improving your relationship.




www.gottman.com





You and your husband may want to try these.
We liked the spicy 🌶 version. Revved things up as well as improved communication


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## VeraPalm (3 mo ago)

MJJEAN said:


> When you talked with him were you very blunt?


 Not at all, I was always very calm about it. I didn’t want him to feel like I was accusing him.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

VeraPalm said:


> .
> We have a child, yes. And also we had to move abroad for his work, so now I’m in a foreign country and financially dependent on him. But also he’s a good husband apart from that and I do love him.


I mean even if you talk to him into pretending, you would know he was just pretending. He's not feeling it. He just wants sex with no bother whatsoever. He doesn't feel affectionate or he would be affectionate.


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## VeraPalm (3 mo ago)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> Gottman Card Decks App - Couples | The Gottman Institute
> 
> 
> Inspired by the popular card decks from The Art and Science of Love weekend workshop for couples, this fun app offers helpful questions, statements, and ideas for improving your relationship.
> ...


Thank you! I’ll look into it.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Does he lack emotional intelligence and basic social skills in other area of his life?

is he on the spectrum?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

I’m so sorry. This is worse than no sex at all. No emotion, no affection, not even playful. Just business. I’d be way gone.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Never stop seducing or dating your wife.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Women's idea of foreplay is very different than men's idea of foreplay...


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

My wife tells me all women like to be seduced. I love seducing her and foreplay. I can't understand a man being with a woman and not wanting to pleasure her.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Women's idea of foreplay is very different than men's idea of foreplay...


Foreplay for next sexual encounter starts immediately after sex to build up to the next night, then repeat.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

VeraPalm said:


> Yes, the only time we actually do it nowadays is when I initiate it, because then I’ve already turned myself on in my head, so he doesn’t have to do it.


How frequently might that be then? Also I'm getting that you turn down his attempts, lackadaisical as they are, 100% of the time?

I'm not saying some things shouldn't be better, but in this scenario now you're gatekeeper?

I like your Username. Any hidden messages there?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

VeraPalm said:


> And also we had to move abroad for his work, so now I’m in a foreign country and financially dependent on him.


It sounds like he views you as his property, and you must be open and prepared for sex whenever his lordship desires it.

He doesn't seem to be the romantic kind, but he can change if you let him know how you like to be approached.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

frenchpaddy said:


> It sounds like he views you as his property, and you must be open and prepared for sex whenever his lordship desires it.
> 
> He doesn't seem to be the romantic kind, but he can change if you let him know how you like to be approached.


How does that work? They only have sex when she initiates it.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

SCDad01 said:


> Never stop seducing or dating your wife.


Does it go both ways? 

Or is it just the man who has to "date" and seduce and the female doesn't also have to never stop dating and seducing her husband?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> How does that work? They only have sex when she initiates it.


TRUE thank you


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Livvie said:


> Does it go both ways?
> 
> Or is it just the man who has to "date" and seduce and the female doesn't also have to never stop dating and seducing her husband?


^^^This


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Numb26 said:


> ^^^This


It’s a fair point.


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## Loves Coffee (4 mo ago)

VeraPalm said:


> What should I do?


What about the other side of this and be honest. Are you just having duty sex with him? If you need that seduction and flintiness, do you start doing that when you go have sex in bed or do you just lay there? 

His reaction sounds to me like he's been on the receiving end of no romance himself for a long time as well. I'm not saying that he's in the right by not engaging you when you talk to him, but there are other issues here.

How are things outside of the bedroom? Do you date? Spend quality time together? Buy gifts? Go on trips? 

Your needs and concerns are absolutely valid here, but if things were better before but got this way now it didn't happen in a vacuum. I think you both need one of those old fashioned rekindling of romance. Maybe plan a marriage retreat and work on creating more healthy relationship habits.


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## VeraPalm (3 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> How frequently might that be then? Also I'm getting that you turn down his attempts, lackadaisical as they are, 100% of the time?
> 
> I'm not saying some things shouldn't be better, but in this scenario now you're gatekeeper?
> 
> I like your Username. Any hidden messages there?


 I supposed I’ve started turning him down quite often, but that’s out of frustration over trying to talk to him about not liking the “do you wanna have sex?” approach over and over again for a decade, and he never listening to me.


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## VeraPalm (3 mo ago)

Loves Coffee said:


> What about the other side of this and be honest. Are you just having duty sex with him? If you need that seduction and flintiness, do you start doing that when you go have sex in bed or do you just lay there?
> 
> His reaction sounds to me like he's been on the receiving end of no romance himself for a long time as well. I'm not saying that he's in the right by not engaging you when you talk to him, but there are other issues here.
> 
> ...


Haha, I’m the absolute opposite of the type of woman that just lays there! I’m very enthusiastic about sex and an willing to try almost anything. My husband tells me I’m amazing in bed. He seems very happy with the quality of the sex, he just wants more of it. But then refuses to take the steps to make me want it more often…


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

VeraPalm said:


> Yes, the only time we actually do it nowadays is when I initiate it, because then I’ve already turned myself on in my head, so he doesn’t have to do it.


Is this all the time, I guess you lost me between this post and another where you turn him down mostly but not always. It can make a difference.


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## VeraPalm (3 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Is this all the time, I guess you lost me between this post and another where you turn him down mostly but not always. It can make a difference.


 I don’t turn him down all the time, no. He does ask in the most anti-climatic times though, so I do say no a lot. Like I’m not gonna say yes to sex if you ask me while I’m scrubbing a toilet!


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## VeraPalm (3 mo ago)

Livvie said:


> Does it go both ways?
> 
> Or is it just the man who has to "date" and seduce and the female doesn't also have to never stop dating and seducing her husband?


I mean, I have no problem seducing him… If I’m the one in the mood he’s usually always up for it.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Well OP if he refuses to listen and provide you with some foreplay I don't blame you for turning him down. 

Has he said why he can't provide the minimal of foreplay?
When he hasn't done anything do you even get to have an orgasm? I bet he does.

You say he's great but really this shows a big lack of concern for you. It would make me feel less connected and in love if even after voicing my desire for connection he couldn't do anything.

Does he watch porn? I only ask because often times in porn the woman is just ready at the drop of a hat or orgasms quickly with no foreplay and PIV only.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Just initiate more often so he doesn't have to do his act. Problem solved.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> Just initiate more often so he doesn't have to do his act. Problem solved.


Why would she initiate when he does nothing to turn her on? He refuses foreplay?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> Well OP if he refuses to listen and provide you with some foreplay I don't blame you for turning him down.
> 
> Has he said why he can't provide the minimal of foreplay?
> When he hasn't done anything do you even get to have an orgasm? I bet he does.
> ...


And she's there strictly to service the man.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I think he's getting it as much as he really wants it without even putting in any effort so he's just got no motivation to put in any effort. You sexy thing you. Ugh.

What is it you love about him? I'm just thinking it must be something special to make up for this.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

VeraPalm said:


> I sometimes suspect he actually doesn’t want anymore sex, and refuses to arouse me so he can blame me for our lack of sex.


That's what I'd put my money on.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> And she's there strictly to service the man.


It tracks that he expects her to act like a porn star because he thinks that’s what she is. I would be gone.


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## VeraPalm (3 mo ago)

A lot of the commenters seem to be under the impression he’s just an asshole who doesn’t care about me and only sees me as a sexual object, I want to say that’s not the case at all. He’s actually very sweet and sensitive and is my best friend, he’s just weird about sex.
I don’t know why he’s like that about foreplay. He can go for a long time so I’ll sometimes get wet and then orgasm during penetration, but the beginning of it can be a bit painful if I’m not already aroused. Also i feel I should add he can be a bit more prudish than me about sex… For example, even though I enjoy giving blow jobs, he says he feels bad about them as he feels he’s degrading me. This one time I got home from a girl’s night out really drunk and horny, and we did it doggy style in the kitchen floor using butter as lube (drunk me saw that in a movie and thought it was a great idea). He really enjoyed that at the time, but later asked not to do it again as he found it traumatizing. He comes from a more traditional culture and more religious family than myself, so maybe he feels guilty about foreplay and thinks it’s a sin or something?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Next time he approaches you so boringly, tell him, "Ok, so you want sex. Go sit in a corner, think about it, and come back and approach me in a way that doesn't telegraph to me that I'm just a piece of meat in your service."

You have to teach people how to treat you.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

VeraPalm said:


> A lot of the commenters seem to be under the impression he’s just an asshole who doesn’t care about me and only sees me as a sexual object, I want to say that’s not the case at all. He’s actually very sweet and sensitive and is my best friend, he’s just weird about sex.
> I don’t know why he’s like that about foreplay. He can go for a long time so I’ll sometimes get wet and then orgasm during penetration, but the beginning of it can be a bit painful if I’m not already aroused. Also i feel I should add he can be a bit more prudish than me about sex… For example, even though I enjoy giving blow jobs, he says he feels bad about them as he feels he’s degrading me. This one time I got home from a girl’s night out really drunk and horny, and we did it doggy style in the kitchen floor using butter as lube (drunk me saw that in a movie and thought it was a great idea). He really enjoyed that at the time, but later asked not to do it again as he found it traumatizing. He comes from a more traditional culture and more religious family than myself, so maybe he feels guilty about foreplay and thinks it’s a sin or something?


And yet he has no problem asking you for sex and then going in the bedroom and stripping down and standing there waiting for you naked. I think you're making excuses for him. Being sensitive is a little different from being negligent and just sticking it in. He can't be that sheltered that he doesn't know women need to be aroused before you go sticking it in to think that that's all a woman needs.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

ccpowerslave said:


> It’s a fair point.


That's why I agreed with it


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

As a man, if I wanted to avoid having to share sex more often because I have some hang ups about it, yet wanted to be able to say I want plenty of sex if ever questioned on it. I would make sure to mostly ask for sex at untimely moments, I would also be really boring about it, and avoid initiating in sexually arousing ways.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

VeraPalm said:


> A lot of the commenters seem to be under the impression he’s just an asshole who doesn’t care about me and only sees me as a sexual object, I want to say that’s not the case at all. He’s actually very sweet and sensitive and is my best friend, he’s just weird about sex.
> I don’t know why he’s like that about foreplay. He can go for a long time so I’ll sometimes get wet and then orgasm during penetration, but the beginning of it can be a bit painful if I’m not already aroused. Also i feel I should add he can be a bit more prudish than me about sex… For example, even though I enjoy giving blow jobs, he says he feels bad about them as he feels he’s degrading me. This one time I got home from a girl’s night out really drunk and horny, and we did it doggy style in the kitchen floor using butter as lube (drunk me saw that in a movie and thought it was a great idea). He really enjoyed that at the time, but later asked not to do it again as he found it traumatizing. He comes from a more traditional culture and more religious family than myself, so maybe he feels guilty about foreplay and thinks it’s a sin or something?


Can you find a counselor or therapist for you two to see?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Anastasia6 said:


> Why would she initiate when he does nothing to turn her on?


What does she do to turn _him_ on? She is putting all the blame on the husband, because he is unable to do seduction and/or foreplay. Sex is not a one way street. I haven't seen the OP mentioning that she does anything to seduce _him_? She reads a book, waiting for him to seduce her. Well... she picked the wrong man as a husband...  There is a clear gap in expectations.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Anastasia6 said:


> Why would she initiate when he does nothing to turn her on? He refuses foreplay?


.
Foreplay and initiation are two different things.


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## VeraPalm (3 mo ago)

Personal said:


> As a man, if I wanted to avoid having to share sex more often because I have some hang ups about it, yet wanted to be able to say I want plenty of sex if ever questioned on it. I would make sure to mostly ask for sex at untimely moments, I would also be really boring about it, and avoid initiating in sexually arousing ways.


As I said in my original post, this is what I suspect he’s doing sometimes, because he’ll complain we don’t have enough sex, but then I give him suggestions about what he could do to make our sex life better, and he’ll just make crappy excuses not to try any of it.


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## VeraPalm (3 mo ago)

ConanHub said:


> Can you find a counselor or therapist for you two to see?


I wish, but unfortunately we can’t afford that right now!


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

VeraPalm said:


> I’ve been married for 12 years, and during the whole time my husband has never done anything to turn me on. Whenever he wants sex he’ll just walk up to me out of nowhere and say “Do you wanna have sex?”… No kissing, no flirting, no seduction at all. I’m usually busy reading or doing something around the house when he asks me, and since I’m not thinking about sex at all at the time, I end up saying no most of the time. When I do say yes, instead of grabbing me by the waist and making out while we slowly take each other’s clothes off, he’ll just walk to the bedroom by himself, take all his clothes off and stand there naked waiting for me. I’ve talked to him about this many times, explained that I need him to entice me a little more before sex, but he says he doesn’t have to seduce me because I’m his wife. Does he thing because I married him I’m supposed to be aroused and ready to go 24/7? He then complains that we don’t have enough sex, but refuses to change. I actually have a very healthy libido, and would love to have sex with him a lot more often, but the way he goes about it doesn’t work for me at all, so I end up masturbating instead. I sometimes suspect he actually doesn’t want anymore sex, and refuses to arouse me so he can blame me for our lack of sex. I don’t know what to do anymore, I’m becoming very resentful of him as I feel I’ve spent most of my youth trapped in this relationships while I could’ve been getting great sex elsewhere. What should I do?


You may have even had these thoughts…
I love my husband and yet I find myself stressed out wondering if I’m going to be rejected.
My husband doesn’t desire me anymore.
I’m baffled by my lack of sexual excitement sometimes.
I`m so tired of fighting over sex or the lack of it.
If so you are not alone! Many married couples report stress in their sex lives.
But you could try to turn it around and turn up the heat – to try and rekindle your sexual intimacy.

Set Guardrails
If you want to rekindle your intimacy you need to set up guardrails that protect your marriage from the many outside influences that attack it each day.

It could be In Your Mind
Your day-to-day activities are constantly swirling around in your head. When it comes to being sexually intimate the chatter in your head needs to be put aside so you can be fully engaged with your husband.

Keep Trying New Things
It’s time to step outside of your comfort zone and enjoy the gift of sex with your husband. Begin to think of and participate in creative ways you and your husband can step out of your box.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

VeraPalm said:


> I wish, but unfortunately we can’t afford that right now!


Sorry about that. Your husband might have sex on his mind a lot and always be ready since you are married but he doesn't understand you have a different mindset and need a little working up.

Every couple has their own dynamic. Getting naked in front of my wife actually flips her switch.

Your husband does need to learn to flip yours.


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## VeraPalm (3 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> What does she do to turn _him_ on? She is putting all the blame on the husband, because he is unable to do seduction and/or foreplay. Sex is not a one way street. I haven't seen the OP mentioning that she does anything to seduce _him_? She reads a book, waiting for him to seduce her. Well... she picked the wrong man as a husband...  There is a clear gap in expectations.


As I’ve stated before, I have no problem seducing him when I’m the one who wants sex. It’s not like turning a guy on is hard though. I don’t just sit there reading a book waiting for him to seduce me all the time, but if he does want sex while I’m reading a book, shouldn’t he try to get me in the mood first instead of saying “do you wanna have sex?” out of nowhere? Specially when I’ve already communicated that doesn’t do it for me?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

VeraPalm said:


> A lot of the commenters seem to be under the impression he’s just an asshole who doesn’t care about me and only sees me as a sexual object, I want to say that’s not the case at all. He’s actually very sweet and sensitive and is my best friend, he’s just weird about sex.
> I don’t know why he’s like that about foreplay. He can go for a long time so I’ll sometimes get wet and then orgasm during penetration, but the beginning of it can be a bit painful if I’m not already aroused. Also i feel I should add he can be a bit more prudish than me about sex… For example, even though I enjoy giving blow jobs, he says he feels bad about them as he feels he’s degrading me. This one time I got home from a girl’s night out really drunk and horny, and we did it doggy style in the kitchen floor using butter as lube (drunk me saw that in a movie and thought it was a great idea). He really enjoyed that at the time, but later asked not to do it again as he found it traumatizing. He comes from a more traditional culture and more religious family than myself, so maybe he feels guilty about foreplay and thinks it’s a sin or something?


Yep wrong thread LOL


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Livvie said:


> .
> Foreplay and initiation are two different things.


And I would never initiate if I thought it was going to be sex that was only stick it in my vagina. No foreplay or warm up or anything particularly arousing.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

VeraPalm said:


> I wish, but unfortunately we can’t afford that right now!


You didn't answer my earlier question - does he seem to lack emotional intelligence and appears socially awkward in other domains of interpersonal interactions?

That is not implying that he is an Ahole or uncaring or mistreating anyone in any way. 

Some people simply have a very hard time grasping other people's emotional needs and have trouble reading other people's emotional responses and have trouble relating to people on a close interpersonal level. 

Is he like that in other areas besides sex?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Anastasia6 said:


> So his background and prudishness won't let him treat you right and have proper sex. BUT it will allow him to go to a strip club which definitely degrades women? It allows him to get lap dances?
> 
> Something isn't adding up here.


This is that guy? Good Lord!


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## VeraPalm (3 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> So his background and prudishness won't let him treat you right and have proper sex. BUT it will allow him to go to a strip club which definitely degrades women? It allows him to get lap dances?
> 
> Something isn't adding up here.


I’m sorry, but I think you’re on the wrong thread. My husband never went to a strip club.


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## VeraPalm (3 mo ago)

ConanHub said:


> This is that guy? Good Lord!


No no, not the same guy… That thread was started by a different poster!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Anastasia6 said:


> So his background and prudishness won't let him treat you right and have proper sex. BUT it will allow him to go to a strip club which definitely degrades women? It allows him to get lap dances?
> 
> Something isn't adding up here.


Just checked. This guy is from another poster.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

VeraPalm said:


> No no, not the same guy… That thread was started by a different poster!


Just checked and you're right of course.

I didn't think I missed it but I'm getting older. LoL!


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Yep got my threads crossed.


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## VeraPalm (3 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> You didn't answer my earlier question - does he seem to lack emotional intelligence and appears socially awkward in other domains of interpersonal interactions?
> 
> That is not implying that he is an Ahole or uncaring or mistreating anyone in any way.
> 
> ...


He’s not like that at all. He’s very social, funny, friendly and charismatic. He works in sales so talks to people all day, and he’s good at it. Everybody loves him and other dudes always wanna hang out with him to watch sports or go to cigar bars, etc. According to his brother, my husband was also the popular kid in high school, although he denies it.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

VeraPalm said:


> He’s not like that at all. He’s very social, funny, friendly and charismatic. He works in sales so talks to people all day, and he’s good at it. Everybody loves him and other dudes always wanna hang out with him to watch sports or go to cigar bars, etc. According to his brother, my husband was also the popular kid in high school, although he denies it.


Then this really is a communication issue and a matter of making him understand that you would prefer more warm up. 

However the compromise here is that on a scale of 1-10 with 1 being a completely mechanical and romanceless hook up and 10 being a red hot Romeo and Cassanova, you may be able to get him to improve from a 2 to maybe a 4. 

That IS an improvement, but he will likely never be Mr Romance and Seduction. As you have said, he is pretty inhibited and rigid in his overall view of sexuality. That is not likely to change much. 

And the fact that you have a higher libido and more liberal view of sexuality means he is likely not all that motivated to work for it (which he will see as work) because he knows that in a matter of time, you will be coming to him. 

This is likely an area where neither of you will feel completely at ease and satisfied. You will probably always feel a little frustrated and disappointed to a degree, and he will always feel a bit pressured and a bit out of his comfort zone and likely feel a bit judged as well. 

This is part of his persona.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

And just a FWIW, my wife is also not a foreplay person. 

I am way more into foreplay and 'other' activities than she is. 

While I am wanting to kiss and make out and touch and lick and nibble all over, it is just a source of frustration for her and she wants to get down to business and stop messing around. 

This was fine when she was young and horny. But now that she is post menopausal and has lost 95% of her libido and has experienced the vaginal atrophy and dryness etc of menopause, she may not like foreplay any more,,,, but she NEEDS it more. 

As time goes on and he gets older, your husband may 'need' more foreplay as well in order to rise to the occasion. 

For most men, a couple minutes of oral is all that they need to stand at attention. But if he has hang ups and issues with that, he may need other forms of foreplay and arousal to rise to the occasion. 

Without some proactive communication and perhaps even some therapy, this issue will likely get worse with time.


----------



## VeraPalm (3 mo ago)

ConanHub said:


> Sorry about that. Your husband might have sex on his mind a lot and always be ready since you are married but he doesn't understand you have a different mindset and need a little working up.
> 
> Every couple has their own dynamic. Getting naked in front of my wife actually flips her switch.
> 
> Your husband does need to learn to flip yours.


If that is the case, how could I get him to understand that though? I’ve already tried to explain that to him several times over the years, but he just doesn’t seem to get it. It’s so frustrating!


----------



## VeraPalm (3 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> Then this really is a communication issue and a matter of making him understand that you would prefer more warm up.
> 
> However the compromise here is that on a scale of 1-10 with 1 being a completely mechanical and romanceless hook up and 10 being a red hot Romeo and Cassanova, you may be able to get him to improve from a 2 to maybe a 4.
> 
> ...


If this is a communication problem, any ideas on how I could communicate this to him in a way that he’ll actually understand? I’ve tried talking to him about it so many times, but maybe I need to say it differently? Also if he doesn’t see the need to work for it and is satisfied with the amount of sex we’re having, the why would he complain that he wants more sex? I think the poster who said he’s just asking for sex in the most boring way possible so he can pretend he wants more sex might be right… Maybe he’s self conscious for not wanting sex as often as society says men should want it?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

VeraPalm said:


> If that is the case, how could I get him to understand that though? I’ve already tried to explain that to him several times over the years, but he just doesn’t seem to get it. It’s so frustrating!


Do you cook for him? If so, I might have an idea.


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## VeraPalm (3 mo ago)

ConanHub said:


> Do you cook for him? If so, I might have an idea.


I do cook, yeah. Why?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

VeraPalm said:


> If this is a communication problem, any ideas on how I could communicate this to him in a way that he’ll actually understand? I’ve tried talking to him about it so many times, but maybe I need to say it differently? Also if he doesn’t see the need to work for it and is satisfied with the amount of sex we’re having, the why would he complain that he wants more sex? I think the poster who said he’s just asking for sex in the most boring way possible so he can pretend he wants more sex might be right… Maybe he’s self conscious for not wanting sex as often as society says men should want it?


Honestly, I think this situation is a therapy candidate. 

You do have differing attitudes and personal views and values on sexuality. You both have a degree of frustration and want things to be better. 

I think you are in that thin band of scenario where your own conversations are falling short but aren't so far gone that professional wouldn't help either. I think sex therapy can actually help you come together better and make at least a noticable improvement. 

However I need to stress that I am suggesting actual sex therapy and NOT marital counseling. 

An MC will tell him to do more housework and pick up his socks better and encourage him to talk about his feelings more and be more emotionally available to you. 

And an MC will tell you to be less passive aggressive and to make 'I' statements instead of 'you' statements. 

You two have sexual issues not relationship or behavioral issues. An MC will make you two point fingers at each other while being defensive of yourselves. 

He needs to better understand your sexual response and arousal and he needs to understand that respectful and compassionate marital sexuality is not degrading or exploitive. He may have had some kind of childhood trauma or religious programming that is behind his rigidity and inhibition and that all spells therapy to address.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

VeraPalm said:


> I do cook, yeah. Why?


Does he have any favorite food prepared a certain way?


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## VeraPalm (3 mo ago)

ConanHub said:


> Does he have any favorite food prepared a certain way?


He likes steak.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

VeraPalm said:


> He likes steak.


Ok. How does he like it prepared and what with as a side?


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## VeraPalm (3 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> Honestly, I think this situation is a therapy candidate.
> 
> You do have differing attitudes and personal views and values on sexuality. You both have a degree of frustration and want things to be better.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your time and advice! I’ll try talking to him about it and see if he’d be up to give something like that a try.


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## VeraPalm (3 mo ago)

ConanHub said:


> Ok. How does he like it prepared and what with as a side?


Medium rare, with mashed potatoes and vegetables.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

VeraPalm said:


> Medium rare, with mashed potatoes and vegetables.


Next time you make it, cook his steak too much so that it's well done and almost dry.

Serve it with junks of fried tofu (flavor it any way you like) and instead of vegetables, serve seaweed or kimchi if you can get your hands on it.

If he makes any comment about it (he will of course) tell him he's your husband and supposed to eat what you cook.

Continue to prepare edible meals for him that he absolutely does not like and keep telling him he is your husband and supposed to eat what you cook.

At the same time, remind him that you don't like the way he approaches you for sex but, if he eats your cooking, you will continue to have bad sex with him.

Fair is fair after all.😉


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

VeraPalm said:


> I don’t turn him down all the time, no. He does ask in the most anti-climatic times though, so I do say no a lot. Like I’m not gonna say yes to sex if you ask me while I’m scrubbing a toilet!


Why not?? I would LOVE to have a reason to stop that miserable job...especially if it includes an orgasm!!! Lol!!


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

VeraPalm said:


> I mean, I have no problem seducing him… If I’m the one in the mood he’s usually always up for it.


How do you initiate sex with him? Do you ask in a sexy way? And does he like it or not really notice or care how you ask?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

VeraPalm said:


> A lot of the commenters seem to be under the impression he’s just an asshole who doesn’t care about me and only sees me as a sexual object, I want to say that’s not the case at all. He’s actually very sweet and sensitive and is my best friend, he’s just weird about sex.
> I don’t know why he’s like that about foreplay. He can go for a long time so I’ll sometimes get wet and then orgasm during penetration, but the beginning of it can be a bit painful if I’m not already aroused. Also i feel I should add he can be a bit more prudish than me about sex… For example, even though I enjoy giving blow jobs, he says he feels bad about them as he feels he’s degrading me. This one time I got home from a girl’s night out really drunk and horny, and we did it doggy style in the kitchen floor using butter as lube (drunk me saw that in a movie and thought it was a great idea). He really enjoyed that at the time, but later asked not to do it again as he found it traumatizing. He comes from a more traditional culture and more religious family than myself, so maybe he feels guilty about foreplay and thinks it’s a sin or something?


Oh THIS might be some insight into what's going on in his mind...he seems to have some shame surrounding sex and desire, I wonder how deeply this goes for him, if he's aware of it at all, and how it affects his sexual comfort...

Maybe his inability to initiate in a more sensual way has something to do with conflicting feelings about his desire for you and yours for him? Have you ever asked him about that, about why he won't approach you for sex the way he used to, in a more romantic, turned on way...?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

LisaDiane said:


> Oh THIS might be some insight into what's going on in his mind...he seems to have some shame surrounding sex and desire, I wonder how deeply this goes for him, if he's aware of it at all, and how it affects his sexual comfort...
> 
> Maybe his inability to initiate in a more sensual way has something to do with conflicting feelings about his desire for you and yours for him? Have you ever asked him about that, about why he won't approach you for sex the way he used to, in a more romantic, turned on way...?


Except before they got married he did do those things. So more likely he just thinks because he's married he can be lazy.

Or he has the madonna complex.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Livvie said:


> Does it go both ways?


No


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

VeraPalm said:


> He seems very happy with the quality of the sex, he just wants more of it. But then refuses to take the steps to make me want it more often…


Seems very strange honestly. Wants more, knows how he could get more. But refuses to act? Passive aggressive? Lot of anger between you two?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Anastasia6 said:


> Except before they got married he did do those things. So more likely he just thinks because he's married he can be lazy.
> 
> Or he has the madonna complex.


The M/H Complex may have some validity and that is something that is treated with therapy. 

Whatever takes place before for the first year or so of marriage or especially before the first child should be exempted from marital sex problem discussions. 

When people are young, childless, full of hormones and under the influence of NRE, it almost shouldn't count when discussing sexual issues in a 10 year marriage. 

For all we know he may have been a virgin or maybe hadn't had a GF or had sex for 2 years before getting with her and would have done back flips and crawled through broken glass to hook up with her at that time.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

VeraPalm said:


> He works in sales so talks to people all day, and he’s good at it.


I'm in sales as well. Not too long ago I was in the office and heard two guys talking about having to chase/work for the sale at work, and they are tired of it by the time they get home. They want the "sale" to come to them.

Sounded odd to me and I didn't think much of it. But people in powerful positions sometimes want to be submissive in the bedroom and not need to be the one in control, etc. So why not I guess 🤷🏻‍♂️

I'm not sold that's the cause here (or that it's not just laziness) but you never know with these stories.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

ConanHub said:


> Next time you make it, cook his steak too much so that it's well done and almost dry.
> 
> Serve it with junks of fried tofu (flavor it any way you like) and instead of vegetables, serve seaweed or kimchi if you can get your hands on it.
> 
> ...


or instead of being passive aggressive and acting like jr high kids, they could sit down and address it like adults and perhaps seek professional guidance if needed.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

VeraPalm said:


> Not at all, I was always very calm about it. I didn’t want him to feel like I was accusing him.


You may need to be more blunt about it.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> or instead of being passive aggressive and acting like jr high kids, they could sit down and address it like adults and perhaps seek professional guidance if needed.


Yeah, you must have missed the part where she tried that and they can't afford counseling.

Teaching someone how to treat you through actions works too.


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## VeraPalm (3 mo ago)

ConanHub said:


> Next time you make it, cook his steak too much so that it's well done and almost dry.
> 
> Serve it with junks of fried tofu (flavor it any way you like) and instead of vegetables, serve seaweed or kimchi if you can get your hands on it.
> 
> ...


Lol! That’s a funny idea, but I suppose I’d feel too bad doing something like that to actually do it.


----------



## VeraPalm (3 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> Why not?? I would LOVE to have a reason to stop that miserable job...especially if it includes an orgasm!!! Lol!!


I guess I need to feel sexy in order to feel like having sex, and I definitely don’t feel sexy while cleaning a toilet! Lol! 


LisaDiane said:


> How do you initiate sex with him? Do you ask in a sexy way? And does he like it or not really notice or care how you ask?


I usually don’t verbally ask, I just start kissing him and grab his junk or something like that. He doesn’t seem to have a problem at all with how I initiate it.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

VeraPalm said:


> Lol! That’s a funny idea, but I suppose I’d feel too bad doing something like that to actually do it.


Well that's too bad because taking a stand is what's needed and giving him an object lesson would bring it home for him more than your words he is ignoring.

We tell men to take action for good reasons and women can do it as well.


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## VeraPalm (3 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> The M/H Complex may have some validity and that is something that is treated with therapy.


I don’t know if the Madonna complex exactly, as he does love me and is still sexually attracted to me, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he had some kind of mother wound that needs to be addressed in therapy. His mother is somewhat emotionally abusive, and my husband and I suspect she might be a covert narcissist… I mean, she’d never go to therapy, so we’ll never have a formal diagnosis, but she sure does fit the description.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

VeraPalm said:


> If that is the case, how could I get him to understand that though? I’ve already tried to explain that to him several times over the years, but he just doesn’t seem to get it. It’s so frustrating!


He doesn't care. I mean there's nothing complex about what you're telling him so he's choosing not to get it.


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## Loves Coffee (4 mo ago)

VeraPalm said:


> I do say no a lot.





VeraPalm said:


> I actually have a very healthy libido, and would love to have sex with him a lot more often,


I'm getting mixed signals here. This could be the source of the problem is how often you say no and have this super complex dance you want him to go through to ask for sex. If that were the case, I would say f**k it and have a more take it or leave it attitude as well. If what you say is true, teach him what romance is. Have sex with him every day and you initiate how you want him to do it. Now the inopportune time, mistep in the "dance of asking for sex" doesn't happen, and you're thinking about sex. Problem solved.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

VeraPalm said:


> I guess I need to feel sexy in order to feel like having sex, and I definitely don’t feel sexy while cleaning a toilet! Lol!
> 
> I usually don’t verbally ask, I just start kissing him and grab his junk or something like that. He doesn’t seem to have a problem at all with how I initiate it.


OK this is the 'Ah Hah' moment here. 

Flip those two statements above upside down. THAT is what he needs to understand to get your motor running. 

OK stay with me here, this is golden key to unlock the secrets of the cosmos. You are not in a sexy headspace while you are scrubbing toilets and cleaning out the catbox etc ,, very few women on planet earth are. 

So what does get you to feel sexy??? Words of love and desire, Touching, touching, stoking, holding, nibbling etc etc???

For many women in long term marriage/relationships, they need to be actually engaging in sexy contact and activities before they begin to feel aroused and sexy. That's called Responsive Desire.

So basically what you are doing to him to guide things to bedroom, you need to find a way to make him understand that that is what he needs to be doing to YOU to make you feel wanted and appreciated and desired, rather than just a sexual convenience for him. 

You need to find a way to kind of change roles a bit here so that he becomes a little more proactive and putting in more effort to show some desire to you. 

Is that going to be quick and easy and something that is cured in one 5 minute conversation? Probably not, as I said earlier it may require therapy for him to get over his inhibitions and hang ups and for him to see the light and even then he is likely not going to be any kind of Cassanova, but if he can at least show he is willing to try and willing to put in some effort...


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

VeraPalm said:


> I don’t know if the Madonna complex exactly, as he does love me and is still sexually attracted to me, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he had some kind of mother wound that needs to be addressed in therapy. His mother is somewhat emotionally abusive, and my husband and I suspect she might be a covert narcissist… I mean, she’d never go to therapy, so we’ll never have a formal diagnosis, but she sure does fit the description.


The therapy is for you and him, NOT your mother in law. Trying to drag her along is just plain creepy 🤮 

M/W Complex doesn't have anything to do with love or attraction. It's about seeing sex as something dirty and nasty and derogatory and only something for skanky ho's and creepy guys, as well as seeing your wife and mother of your children as too pure and virtuous and someone that you would never disgrace and dishonor by doing something as degrading and dirty as sex. 

And coming from a narcissistic and emotionally abusive childhood environment is the perfect recipe for guys having these kinds of issues in their marital bedroom. 

Instead of questioning whether you can afford therapy, a better question may be whether you can afford not to.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

LisaDiane said:


> Why not?? I would LOVE to have a reason to stop that miserable job...especially if it includes an orgasm!!! Lol!!


Everyone knows you’ll take one any way you can get it 😜


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

VeraPalm said:


> As I’ve stated before, I have no problem seducing him when I’m the one who wants sex. It’s not like turning a guy on is hard though. I don’t just sit there reading a book waiting for him to seduce me all the time, but if he does want sex while I’m reading a book, shouldn’t he try to get me in the mood first instead of saying “do you wanna have sex?” out of nowhere? Specially when I’ve already communicated that doesn’t do it for me?


Start suggesting a full body rubdown with Avacado oil to start. Can he give a massage or are his hands as weak as his foreplay abilities? Before I finish my wife's shoulder to toe rubdown, she is ready to maul me like a wild animal. 😜 She tells me I have strong and magic hands. Well these magic hands enjoy applying oil to her amazing body.

Get him to give you a rub down laying on the bed, and he will like the results. Hell he may buy oil in bulk and you will meet to schedule time for nightly rubdowns. Avacado oil is great for your skin too!


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

VeraPalm said:


> If that is the case, how could I get him to understand that though? I’ve already tried to explain that to him several times over the years, but he just doesn’t seem to get it. It’s so frustrating!


Soooooo…..uummmm. As an example my wife can be plenty sexual but it is for the most part a reactive situation due to our flirting around. If I were to act like your husband then I have to say my wife’s sex drive would be nearly nonexistent. 
The fact that you still initiate (and the butter) tells you you have plenty drive and could be a bedroom animal under good circumstances.

So ….. you know men have a thick head right? Just because you think you told him something doesn’t mean you actually got the message across. This especially applies with sexuality. You need to be blunt…. I mean VERY DIRECT AND BLUNT. Spell it out straight to his face. Explain to him EXACTLY WHAT THE PROBLEM IS. Do not hold back or camouflage your words. Say it just like you spelled out here for us to read.

Then …… the first time ACTUALLY does some foreplay you need to be sure to F his brains out. Make him remember….


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Loves Coffee said:


> I'm getting mixed signals here. This could be the source of the problem is how often you say no and have this super complex dance you want him to go through to ask for sex. If that were the case, I would say f**k it and have a more take it or leave it attitude as well. If what you say is true, teach him what romance is. Have sex with him every day and you initiate how you want him to do it. Now the inopportune time, mistep in the "dance of asking for sex" doesn't happen, and you're thinking about sex. Problem solved.


I don't see mixed signals here at all. 

She's initiating when she wants some lovins but lack of initiative and lack of understanding of female arousal and just walking up while she's elbow deep in the toilet and simply asking her if she wants to have sex is a turn off to her as it would be for countless women in a long term marriages. 

And her having to 'teach' him what romance is is also a major turn off for very many women. 

There might be an element of lack of understanding of female arousal here, but most 14 year olds know enough about the world to know that girls have a different sexual response than boys and know that girls need some seduction and foreplay. 

There is likely some FOO issues that have resulted in him have a sex-negative view of sexuality and inhibitions in regards to approaching the OP and he is thusly waiting for her to make the moves so he is not responsible for soiling or disparaging her. That kind of stuff often needs to be addressed in therapy and not just her coming on to him more and putting even more pressure on him.


----------



## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Mr.Married said:


> Everyone knows you’ll take one any way you can get it 😜


AHEM...Actually, my target is to get SEVERAL any way I can get them...Lol!!!


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

LisaDiane said:


> AHEM...Actually, my target is to get SEVERAL any way I can get them...Lol!!!


----------



## VeraPalm (3 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> So basically what you are doing to him to guide things to bedroom, you need to find a way to make him understand that that is what he needs to be doing to YOU to make you feel wanted and appreciated and desired, rather than just a sexual convenience for him.
> 
> You need to find a way to kind of change roles a bit here so that he becomes a little more proactive and putting in more effort to show some desire to you.
> 
> Is that going to be quick and easy and something that is cured in one 5 minute conversation? Probably not, as I said earlier it may require therapy for him to get over his inhibitions and hang ups and for him to see the light and even then he is likely not going to be any kind of Cassanova, but if he can at least show he is willing to try and willing to put in some effort...


I guess I’ll try to have a conversation with him about it once more, be as direct as possible, and if that doesn’t work and nothing changes, I’ll try to talk him into getting therapy. That might be hard though as he has a hard time discussing his childhood.


oldshirt said:


> The therapy is for you and him, NOT your mother in law. Trying to drag her along is just plain creepy 🤮


Oh, God no! I didn’t mean I wanted to take that woman to therapy with us, I meant she’ll never go for herself so will never get a formal diagnose, so me saying she’s a covert narcissist is just me speculating. We keep some distance from her, and would never want her in therapy with us. Yuck! Thanks for all your helpful words, definitely given me something to think about!


----------



## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Anastasia6 said:


> Except before they got married he did do those things. So more likely he just thinks because he's married he can be lazy.
> 
> Or he has the madonna complex.


Yeah, I thought of that...and it's certainly possible that that's what is going on.
But just like with some women who are wild and uninhibited sexually when they are dating and then take everything away after a few years of marriage, maybe there is a deeper reason? Sometimes I think these things can be from an emotional shift (for any number of reasons), and men can go through it too.


----------



## VeraPalm (3 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> Soooooo…..uummmm. As an example my wife can be plenty sexual but it is for the most part a reactive situation due to our flirting around. If I were to act like your husband then I have to say my wife’s sex drive would be nearly nonexistent.
> The fact that you still initiate (and the butter) tells you you have plenty drive and could be a bedroom animal under good circumstances.
> 
> So ….. you know men have a thick head right? Just because you think you told him something doesn’t mean you actually got the message across. This especially applies with sexuality. You need to be blunt…. I mean VERY DIRECT AND BLUNT. Spell it out straight to his face. Explain to him EXACTLY WHAT THE PROBLEM IS. Do not hold back or camouflage your words. Say it just like you spelled out here for us to read.
> ...


A few people in this thread told me I need to be more direct and blunt about it, so I’ll give that a try… My hopes aren’t very high though.


----------



## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> Oh THIS might be some insight into what's going on in his mind...he seems to have some shame surrounding sex and desire, I wonder how deeply this goes for him, if he's aware of it at all, and how it affects his sexual comfort...
> 
> Maybe his inability to initiate in a more sensual way has something to do with conflicting feelings about his desire for you and yours for him? Have you ever asked him about that, about why he won't approach you for sex the way he used to, in a more romantic, turned on way...?


Yup. I think he has zero idea what to do and is too proud and ashamed / embarrassed to do the research to find out. So when he's called on it he gets angry and dismissive.

OP how does he react when you two run across a love scene in a movie? Does he squirm, do an eyeroll, laugh, leave?


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

VeraPalm said:


> A few people in this thread told me I need to be more direct and blunt about it, so I’ll give that a try… My hopes aren’t very high though.





VeraPalm said:


> A few people in this thread told me I need to be more direct and blunt about it, so I’ll give that a try… My hopes aren’t very high though.


Just make sure when you are blunt. You are also specific. It is also very helpful to not have this conversation when you or he are upset or when he's initiated the 'wrong' way.

It's a good after sex convo. Or just during a quiet time.

After sex....
That was nice. I'd like to have sex more often. I do need to be turned on though to want sex. I like it when you (be specific here). I like it when you pat my butt in the middle of the day. I like it when you kiss me passionately before you go to work. Once we start sex, I like when you use your fingers and a little lube to get me going. If these things happened more often sex would happen more often and I'd like that.

This will not stop him from asking for sex during the middle of cleaning the toilet. But if he's putting in the work during the rest of the time you can always smile and say sure after I finish cleaning the toilet or.. I'd love to but I"m cleaning. Let's go to bed a little early tonight and make that happen.


----------



## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Livvie said:


> Does it go both ways?
> 
> Or is it just the man who has to "date" and seduce and the female doesn't also have to never stop dating and seducing her husband?


you would think...


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> OK this is the 'Ah Hah' moment here.
> 
> Flip those two statements above upside down. THAT is what he needs to understand to get your motor running.
> 
> ...


You're right but the problem is he's just already told her he doesn't have to do that because she's his wife so he doesn't have to try anymore.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You're right but the problem is he's just already told her he doesn't have to do that because she's his wife so he doesn't have to try anymore.


He is mistaken.


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## Loves Coffee (4 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> I don't see mixed signals here at all.
> 
> She's initiating when she wants some lovins but lack of initiative and lack of understanding of female arousal and just walking up while she's elbow deep in the toilet and simply asking her if she wants to have sex is a turn off to her as it would be for countless women in a long term marriages.
> 
> ...


I understand what you're saying, but we can't hang on the one example of her cleaning the toilet since that's probably just hyperbole. The evidence is that he used to be better, she has started turning him down more often because she doesn't like the approach. You can take that at face value of what she says and put the blame on him, but I don't think he is the only one to blame here. Remember we get only one side of the story. Turning him down because of not liking the approach is passive aggressive and in other threads would be chastised, but here is tolerated for some reason. What gradually led to the change in behavior over the years? His behavior doesn't suggest to me that he just sucks at seduction but instead could be he's just fed up by being trained like a dog. Yes good boy, no bad you get nothing. When I see that I don't care what her needs are because it's just wrong. I think both of them need to see a therapist to resolve this. This is going to take both of them working together and TAM isn't going to fix this for them.




VeraPalm said:


> I supposed I’ve started turning him down quite often, but that’s out of frustration over trying to talk to him about not liking the “do you wanna have sex?” approach over and over again for a decade, and he never listening to me.


----------



## BelsBeast66 (3 mo ago)

VeraPalm said:


> I’ve been married for 12 years, and during the whole time my husband has never done anything to turn me on. Whenever he wants sex he’ll just walk up to me out of nowhere and say “Do you wanna have sex?”… No kissing, no flirting, no seduction at all. I’m usually busy reading or doing something around the house when he asks me, and since I’m not thinking about sex at all at the time, I end up saying no most of the time. When I do say yes, instead of grabbing me by the waist and making out while we slowly take each other’s clothes off, he’ll just walk to the bedroom by himself, take all his clothes off and stand there naked waiting for me. I’ve talked to him about this many times, explained that I need him to entice me a little more before sex, but he says he doesn’t have to seduce me because I’m his wife. Does he thing because I married him I’m supposed to be aroused and ready to go 24/7? He then complains that we don’t have enough sex, but refuses to change. I actually have a very healthy libido, and would love to have sex with him a lot more often, but the way he goes about it doesn’t work for me at all, so I end up masturbating instead. I sometimes suspect he actually doesn’t want anymore sex, and refuses to arouse me so he can blame me for our lack of sex. I don’t know what to do anymore, I’m becoming very resentful of him as I feel I’ve spent most of my youth trapped in this relationships while I could’ve been getting great sex elsewhere. What should I do?


IMO, flip the situation, take things into your own hands and start going after him as often as you wish he would go after you. Fore playing is powerful fun so initiate as often as you can pushing him a bit out of his safe zone, masturbate openly around him, watch porn or what ever it takes to get the point across that you want more sex. If you go all out and nothing changes, at least you know you can get it elsewhere so you can leave the relationship and make yourself happier with a man who will screw your brains out..!


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## DLC (Sep 19, 2021)

Too much porn and he thinks women are “ready to go” every time all the times?

I don’t know. But if you make it sounds like fun, maybe he would “gets it”.

and of course, you have to follow through it. If he jumps through hoops and hoops, all “lubed up” and he got nothing at the end. That’s no good for a man.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

VeraPalm said:


> A few people in this thread told me I need to be more direct and blunt about it, so I’ll give that a try… My hopes aren’t very high though.


Reading this thread, is your husband perhaps “on the spectrum”? His behavior reminds me of some relatives.


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## charli (3 mo ago)

VeraPalm said:


> I’ve been married for 12 years, and during the whole time my husband has never done anything to turn me on. Whenever he wants sex he’ll just walk up to me out of nowhere and say “Do you wanna have sex?”… No kissing, no flirting, no seduction at all. I’m usually busy reading or doing something around the house when he asks me, and since I’m not thinking about sex at all at the time, I end up saying no most of the time. When I do say yes, instead of grabbing me by the waist and making out while we slowly take each other’s clothes off, he’ll just walk to the bedroom by himself, take all his clothes off and stand there naked waiting for me. I’ve talked to him about this many times, explained that I need him to entice me a little more before sex, but he says he doesn’t have to seduce me because I’m his wife. Does he thing because I married him I’m supposed to be aroused and ready to go 24/7? He then complains that we don’t have enough sex, but refuses to change. I actually have a very healthy libido, and would love to have sex with him a lot more often, but the way he goes about it doesn’t work for me at all, so I end up masturbating instead. I sometimes suspect he actually doesn’t want anymore sex, and refuses to arouse me so he can blame me for our lack of sex. I don’t know what to do anymore, I’m becoming very resentful of him as I feel I’ve spent most of my youth trapped in this relationships while I could’ve been getting great sex elsewhere. What should I do?


All marriages are different. In ours, she is the seducer and always has been. I am the pamperer and always have been.


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