# there is no answer for this



## katies (May 19, 2015)

DS (age 24) is home for the weekend. We decided to meet hubby for lunch at country club. Son and I brought suits to lay out at pool after lunch. Who's name do I see when we sign in - OW1. However, I just don't see her there and there are not many ppl there.
It's like she knew I was coming. And then left. At 1:30. Heck it doesn't open til 12. So, immediately my head goes to "he tipped her off" or "she saw his car there and messaged him somehow and then he told her I was there so she left." 
It ruined my effing time with son. It's unfair. I mean, what do other people say to themselves who have to see the AP? And, I didn't even see her but seeing her handwritten name down on the log triggered the heck out of me. I want to strangle hubby. I want to strangle myself for signing up for this.
I mean, how do people do this.
nothing would surprise me. I do NOT trust him and don't know how to.
Help.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Yeah, cheaters manage to stain every aspect of your life, don't they?

How would I cope? I probably would have booted his ass to the curb when I found out. I have a zero tolerance policy on cheating. But I'm older now and have less patience for men's sh*t.

Gosh I hate to ask, but I see you put a "1" after the OW. Does that mean there was MORE than one? :surprise:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She might have seen you and ran off?


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> She might have seen you and ran off?


I hadn't thought of that. 
yes, there have been two.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Sucks to see the AP. Let me ask you something.

Let's say there was no reason to be afraid of her. Let's say she did this to your daughter's marriage. Let's say she was just an ordinary woman who slept with your son in law. 

What would you want to say to your son in law's affair partner? When, where and how would you meet and talk with her? By accident? Set up a meeting? 

How would seeing her make you feel, knowing your daughter cried her eyes out and worked to create a decent life with her husband, whom the family trusted?


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

I have had it out with her. She is afraid of me i think. 
I would tell my daughter she's being so brave to live with this.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Katies,

Sorry you have to deal with this my MIL is in her 80's and her H is still lying to her.

It's a really long and unhappy way to live when your spouse is cheating in you with a woman or is it women? Please be kinder to yourself than to allow this to go on. The other woman being with your H just before you meet with him is the definition of cruel.

Gather up all your evidence then expose the OW, however many there are, to high heaven facebook, linkedin, work , church, family, their adult children etc etc. You don't have to suffer passively, do the same to your cheating H. 

Get working on the OWs contacts then expose all at once without warning or threats.

Tamat


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

He's not having an affair. It's been 4.5 years. I just don't want to ever see either of them. 
I did expose at that time.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

I saw my OM today and the bastard talked to me. I brushed him off, but then he said "how are you?" to which I mumbled "good" because he was with two other friends, I panicked and froze and didn't know what else to do and apparently didn't tell him off like Id planned if I ever saw him. 

Then I went to the grocery store and saw my husbands APs mom - who I haven't seen in person for at least a year. What the **** are the chances of both happening in the same day when I haven't seen either of them since October? 


So, not only did I trigger from seeing her mom (because she looks just like her), then I went home and told my husband I ran into OM today, was very uncomfortable, he tried to talk to me, I mumbled a "good" when he asked how I was - beating myself up all day for being a weak idiot who couldn't just say **** off.....and THEN my husband got mad at me for telling him, it sent HIM into a trigger, he told me never to tell him again and that I refreshed everything for him.

So.....I'm triggering, he's triggering. I'm crying. He was in a great mood and now he's zoned out staring at the tv and it's the first and only night this week we were both home at a decent hour and I was SO looking forward to cuddling on the couch with him. But I'll be going to bed instead because every time it look at him I feel like a piece of **** again.

I didn't even tell him about MY trigger because he would think it's stupid! 

Yayyy for double infidelity. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kingsman (Aug 6, 2016)

That must be so very difficult, never knowing when you'll be reminded of the tragedy, a perfectly good day, a promising outing suddenly turned awful due to a random chance happening. 

I hope that over time it won't effect you as much. 

Time is supposed to heal.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Can your husband help at all? Can you try talking to him about it?

Does your husband have the same reaction when he sees the man you had an affair with? 

Pointing out how he feels when he sees your affair partner might help him understand how you feel when you see his affair partner.

Though, ultimately it might make life easier for each of you if you can both learn to forgive yourselves, each other, and each of your affair partners.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

jld said:


> Can your husband help at all? Can you try talking to him about it?
> 
> Does your husband have the same reaction when he sees the man you had an affair with?
> 
> ...


I told my husband about it and he was extra cuddly and loving to me and said he loved me. We had ppl coming over so we didn't talk much beyond that and then had a great time at a concert. I want to talk more about it but what to say? That its so unfair? He already knows that.
My husband never sees my AP. He moved 4 hours away.
I don't think forgiveness helps with triggers. We have forgiven each other. I have to forgive myself for staying, apparently. Not in the cards to forgive any AP.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

katies said:


> *That its so unfair?* He already knows that.
> 
> My husband never sees my AP. He moved 4 hours away.
> I don't think forgiveness helps with triggers. We have forgiven each other. I have to forgive myself for staying, apparently. Not in the cards to forgive any AP.


Kat,

I'm 7+ in R with my WW.

Not to sound Harsh, I know R is has it's moments, ... But...Unfair?

The lake house, the country club, the concerts... unfair?

C'mon, you both with intent fire bombed your marriage. The consequences that permeate are forever and of your doing... unfair?

What it is, is what it is. *"Roll the Bones", Rush.
*


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

Yeah. It's unfair I have to see "them" and he never has to see "him." Where's his consequence? 

So if I want the good life this is just something i must endure? I can tell you I'd give it all up for none of this happening.

I guess I'm just venting but man, do I have to put up with everything? No lines in sand?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

LosingHim said:


> *I saw my OM today *and the bastard talked to me. I brushed him off, but then he said "how are you?" to which I mumbled "good" because he was with two other friends, I panicked and froze and didn't know what else to do and apparently didn't tell him off like Id planned if I ever saw him.
> 
> Then I went to the grocery store and *saw my husbands APs mom *- who I haven't seen in person for at least a year. What the **** are the chances of both happening in the same day when I haven't seen either of them since October?
> 
> ...


Friends and *Critics*!

None of these things are Coincidences. When you can swallow *that reality* you just elevated up Seven Notches to free[er] thinking.

Be the few that believe, let alone consider that there are "other" forces at *play*.....in this *play* that we *ALL* participate "in".

We are [somewhat free] Puppets.....I want to be a [somewhat free] Aware/Conscious Puppet!

*Wasted breath, This.. :-(
*


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

So if we are all puppets, what are these coincidences supposed to mean? Or what are we supposed to do?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Ask your husband what he would do if he were running into your AP all the time. Maybe he will have some ideas for you.


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## kingsman (Aug 6, 2016)

katies said:


> So if we are all puppets, what are these coincidences supposed to mean? Or what are we supposed to do?


There's no forces, it's just random happenstance. 

What you do is prepare yourself for such inevitibilities and deal with them as best you can when they occur.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

kingsman said:


> There's no forces, it's just random happenstance.
> 
> What you do is prepare yourself for such inevitibilities and deal with them as best you can when they occur.


you know, I did really well I think. I was pissed for an hour but then we went out and had a great night with friends. Yet, I still feel it's unfair. I signed up for this, I get that. I'm mostly angry with myself because I do have choices. I could leave and not have to deal with this. But I would also lose a lot. I'm sure he has triggers too. But not ones like this. He would be very upset and likely want to kill OM if he saw him.


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## kingsman (Aug 6, 2016)

Didn't realize there's an OW and an OM. So you both cheated on each other and you both are afraid of running into the others affair partner at some point due to your transgressions. Given the situation, two cheaters, lots of triggers and lots of unhappiness you really need to look down the road and ask if you can live like this indefinitely. I can't imagine you nodding your head and actually meaning it.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

There's actually lots of happiness. But this particular issue has bugged me since the beginning.


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## kingsman (Aug 6, 2016)

It's always going to be there, more or less.

That's the lifetime price that's paid for a relatively momentary period of bad judgement and indiscretion.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Is your story posted on here somewhere? Under a different name perhaps ? I can't see it.


From what I understand:

Double affair on hubby's part
Single affair on your part
Rape ???

Timeline for all this? etc


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

manfromlamancha said:


> Is your story posted on here somewhere? Under a different name perhaps ? I can't see it.
> 
> 
> From what I understand:
> ...


yes. I was stephscarlett
6.5 years ago - my affair. I confessed.
5.5 years ago - assault in hotel
4.5 years ago - his two affairs, fairly consecutively - I caught him at both.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Until you can forgive those gals, steph/katie, I don't think you will have any peace.

Did your OM have an SO? What if you kept running into her? How would you want her to treat you?


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

jld said:


> Until you can forgive those gals, steph/katie, I don't think you will have any peace.
> 
> Did your OM have an SO? What if you kept running into her? How would you want her to treat you?


It has nothing to do with forgiveness. I just don't want to be reminded. It causes pain and a fight/flight reaction I can't control. 

Yep, OM had a wife. I switched church services and grocery stores that she frequented. Then, they moved. I would want her to never have to see me. I would stay out of the limelight so she never would have to see me. I would not put myself on billboards or commercials or the newspaper, as hubby as done for his job. 
I would want to move so she wouldn't have to see me.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

katies said:


> It has nothing to do with forgiveness. I just don't want to be reminded. It causes pain and a fight/flight reaction I can't control.
> 
> Yep, OM had a wife. I switched church services and grocery stores that she frequented. Then, they moved. I would want her to never have to see me. I would stay out of the limelight so she never would have to see me. I would not put myself on billboards or commercials or the newspaper, as hubby as done for his job.
> I would want to move so she wouldn't have to see me.


Have you expressed this desire to move to your husband?


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

jld said:


> Have you expressed this desire to move to your husband?


many times. He will go if I force the issue. That will cause resentment in him for giving up his job. So, one or the other of us will have resentment. I asked our MC who needs to give up the resentment. He said whoever can should. I guess that's me. Yay!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

katies said:


> many times. He will go if I force the issue. That will cause resentment in him for giving up his job. So, one or the other of us will have resentment. I asked our MC who needs to give up the resentment. He said whoever can should. I guess that's me. Yay!


You understand that moving is just running away, right? To have true peace, you eventually have to understand and accept what happened, and then, if at all possible, forgive.

Not that moving/keeping a distance cannot provide a space for becoming _able_ to do all that.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

jld said:


> You understand that moving is just running away, right? To have true peace, you eventually have to understand and accept what happened, and then, if at all possible, forgive.
> 
> Not that moving/keeping a distance cannot provide a space for becoming _able_ to do all that.


I think there's a lot to be said for a fresh start and removing yourself from some triggers. 
Forgiveness is not in the cards for the OW. I can't forgive someone I don't know and who I can't see if they've made amends or worked on themselves. I don't harbor any ill will for them. I just don't want to see them.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

katies said:


> I think there's a lot to be said for a fresh start and removing yourself from some triggers.
> Forgiveness is not in the cards for the OW. I can't forgive someone I don't know and who I can't see if they've made amends or worked on themselves. I don't harbor any ill will for them. I just don't want to see them.


The fact that they are avoiding you does not make you think they are trying to do the same thing you are, namely, heal?


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

I don't know if they're avoiding me. They never have before. I don't think they care. I can't say for sure where OW1 went when I got to the pool or what time she signed in. I really don't care. I don't want to see them. I should NEVER have to see the woman I caught my husband on top of. Why he thinks his job is more important than that I'll never know.
If our son was killed by a drunk driver on a road I think everyone would understand why I would never drive on that road again. Would you say, "you need to forgive" and heal?


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

I think JLD is right. Forgiveness is the answer. Don't give that woman so much
power over you. You control your happiness.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

katies said:


> I don't know if they're avoiding me. They never have before. I don't think they care. I can't say for sure where OW1 went when I got to the pool or what time she signed in. I really don't care. I don't want to see them. I should NEVER have to see the woman I caught my husband on top of. Why he thinks his job is more important than that I'll never know.
> If our son was killed by a drunk driver on a road I think everyone would understand why I would never drive on that road again. Would you say, "you need to forgive" and heal?


Yes. It is the only way to peace, Katie.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

A person can't control a fight or flight reaction. And I'm basically happy. But this part if our recovery doesnt have to be like this but it is. If I want to stay married. Or if he wants to stay married I could force a move. But I would never put him in that position. He has made his position clear. If I move it would be with the understanding that he might not follow me.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

katies said:


> A person can't control a fight or flight reaction.


Yes they can and it happens on a daily basis.

If you do not want to force a move, then you must come to peace with it. Hell it's not her fault anyway. She didn't make vows to you. 

Forgive, move or divorce. That's your only meaningful options.

Do nothing, and you will become more bitter and resentful.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

Yea, it is partly her fault. She broke the human being and girl code. Some as I did. Would you not consider it was partly my fault for hurting om's wife?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

katies said:


> Yea, it is partly her fault. She broke the human being and girl code. Some as I did. Would you not consider it was partly my fault for hurting om's wife?


He took the vows to her. He betrayed her trust. And, as usual, he stayed with her.

Your consequence is having to live with your own conscience.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

Simply by being born we habe a responsibility not to hurt other people.


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## TriHouse (Aug 9, 2016)

Have you heard of Brene Brown? She doesn't talk marriage specifically, she talks about shame and vulnerability. I found it immensely helpful. We all have triggers for feeling unworthy, and I'm sure being reminded that your husband chose another woman over you and one point in time is a huge trigger for that. She says that physiologically, we actually experience shame like any other trauma, like a car accident, for example. The goal isn't to avoid it because you can't, but to find coping mechanisms that work for you. Acknowledging it in your head, telling yourself, I'm just feeling this physical response in my body because I'm being reminded of a time when I didn't feel worthy, but this woman does not devalue my worth, can be helpful, but really, you have to find someone you can trust to vent to, someone that will say, I totally get it, I would feel that way too. 

And I do totally get it. I had a girlfriend (friendship, I'm also female) who "broke up with me" via email. Our daughters were best friends and she basically told me she couldn't be around me anymore because she didn't think my kids were good kids, it was completely devastating. It's been two years, and I still do not like passing her in public, but the physical response and the mental lingering is much shorter now because I've realized that my kids are great kids, and a lot of the issues she claimed to have with me were very likely linked to her own insecurities as a parent. She does not determine what I'm worth, and neither does this woman for you.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

katies said:


> Simply by being born we habe a responsibility not to hurt other people.


Holding her, or them, responsible is likely going to be a lost cause. You just do not have influence over those gals.

You do have influence over your husband, and you have complete control over yourself. Invest your energy there, where it will have the most impact.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

kingsman said:


> Didn't realize there's an OW and an OM. So you both cheated on each other and you both are afraid of running into the others affair partner at some point due to your transgressions. Given the situation, two cheaters, lots of triggers and lots of unhappiness you really need to look down the road and ask if you can live like this indefinitely. I can't imagine you nodding your head and actually meaning it.


Hey better they stick together then be with non cheaters. Why is it better for only one person to be triggered anyway? Seems like at least they both can relate to each other.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

TriHouse said:


> She does not determine what I'm worth, and neither does this woman for you.


I know this and I have read Brene Brown extensively. Shame is a slippery thing. 
Seeing either OW just reminds me of a painful time and one where he chose her and not me. And it's someone he had secrets with, shared private things with her - and while I'm ok and we are fairly happy together, seeing them slaps me in the face with the reality that there was a time when I didn't know what was going on in my life. 
I'm guessing the same would occur if he saw OM. He would probably pummel him, even though logically, we are together, committed and it's been years. But that pain rears up hard and fast when triggered like this.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

sokillme said:


> Hey better they stick together then be with non cheaters. Why is it better for only one person to be triggered anyway? Seems like at least they both can relate to each other.


I definitely can relate, which is why if he wanted to move to get away from seeing OM I would say, "lets go honey."


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

jld said:


> Holding her, or them, responsible is likely going to be a lost cause. You just do not have influence over those gals.
> 
> You do have influence over your husband, and you have complete control over yourself. Invest your energy there, where it will have the most impact.


jld - I don't care about them or think about them. I just don't want to SEE them. But yeah, if I see them I'm going to think they are horrible, awful people.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

katies said:


> I definitely can relate, which is why if he wanted to move to get away from seeing OM I would say, "lets go honey."


Well does your husband do the same for you?

Sorry I read that wrong. 

Did you tell your husband about this recent incident?


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

sokillme said:


> Did you tell your husband about this recent incident?


yes, he hugged me a few times and said he loved me.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

katies said:


> yes, he hugged me a few times and said he loved me.


Not sure you are looking for a solution or not but what would a solution to this for you look like?


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

sokillme said:


> Not sure you are looking for a solution or not but what would a solution to this for you look like?


for him to say something like, "let's get you out of this place (meaning this town)." or "you are so strong to put up with this." or "I don't know what I ever saw in (either)" or "I'm so sorry you have to go through that. I don't know if I could do it. you must really love me." or - give me $500 every time I see them. Or, I get to decide where we retire if we live here until then. 
THINKING OUTSIDE THE BOX to come up with a solution- how about that?


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

katies said:


> for him to say something like, "let's get you out of this place (meaning this town)." or "you are so strong to put up with this." or "I don't know what I ever saw in (either)" or "I'm so sorry you have to go through that. I don't know if I could do it. you must really love me." or - give me $500 every time I see them. Or, I get to decide where we retire if we live here until then.
> THINKING OUTSIDE THE BOX to come up with a solution- how about that?


Is there really a SOLUTION? I don’t think there is. Moving would PROBABLY be best, however, my husbands AP lives two hours away and I still have triggers that have to do with her. Her mom lives in this town – just saw her the other day = trigger. I always thought us moving would be a great way to cut down on triggers myself. My AP lives one road over. His AP’s mom lives in town and his AP comes into town often because of it. Fully prepared to run into her at the football games my husband coaches at this fall because she’s scum and I guarantee she’ll come just to “be in my face”. 

But even if we move……even if you move……something will follow you. In my case, my husband is friends with her mom on facebook and won’t break that facebook friendship, even though I’ve requested it. He doesn’t think it should matter because her mom was a big part of his life growing up and her mom isn’t her AP so it shouldn’t matter. However, I got on his FB the other day and went to her moms page. She posts stuff about her daughter CONSTANTLY. Things about her life, pictures of her kids, pictures of her, etc. So while her mom isn’t my husbands AP – guess who is in my husbands face CONSTANTLY via social media? His AP. So even if he’s not talking to her, how is the reminder of her ever going to go away? How will I stop triggering knowing that a few times a week her mom is posting something about her – picture or status – and my husband is seeing it? 

Same thing may happen with you if you move. You might meet someone with the same name as one of his AP’s. You may see someone that looks like her, you could make friends with someone in a new town and discover they’re cousins. Any number of things could happen that could remind you of them. True, the likelihood is probably less, but it’s not 100% negated. I haven’t seen the man that raped me in YEARS. Last I knew, he lives about an hour away…….could be more, could be less for all I know. I luckily hadn’t had many thoughts of him in quite some time until I went for drinks with a friend right around Christmas time. We were sitting outside smoking because it was a rare 65 degree day in December. The parking lot to the bar is across the street. As we were sitting there this guy came walking across the street…….same height, same build, same walk, same hair…….I panicked big time. And it wasn’t even him.

I guess what I’m saying is you and I both need to understand that triggers are going to happen. This isn’t going away……the only thing we have power over is how we react to them and let them affect us.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

Losing - it's the only thing I trigger badly over. And yeah, I could really work hard and say all the things we're supposed to say - he chose me, it was long ago, take medication when I see them, etc. But, I shouldn't HAVE to do that. If I have to live here then fine - I'm spending ALL the money his precious job brings in. 
I guess digging deep, I'm still pissed that it all happened. I HATE that we're not perfect. I HATE that I don't trust him all the way. I thought we were better than that. Apparently we weren't. 
heck, my best friends' name is OW1's name. 
The facebook friendship would be a dealbreaker for me. At some point we need to say THIS or ME. 
I would move for him. I want a sacrifice. He stayed after my one. I stayed after his two. And for those who are gonna get on here and say I can't keep score guess what? Well, YOU live with this, including a husband who thinks everything is your fault, including your own rape.
Its like everything is beneath the surface. There is NO resolution. We'll never agree so we best not talk about it. So then what? Count on all the good things we have - and there are plenty! This is tough stuff. Very hard.
I guess I need my Xanax today. Uff da.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

katies said:


> Losing - it's the only thing I trigger badly over. And yeah, I could really work hard and say all the things we're supposed to say - he chose me, it was long ago, take medication when I see them, etc. But, I shouldn't HAVE to do that. If I have to live here then fine - I'm spending ALL the money his precious job brings in.
> I guess digging deep, I'm still pissed that it all happened. I HATE that we're not perfect. I HATE that I don't trust him all the way. I thought we were better than that. Apparently we weren't.
> heck, my best friends' name is OW1's name.
> The facebook friendship would be a dealbreaker for me. At some point we need to say THIS or ME.
> ...


I've felt much the same as everything you've said here. I get it. 

For the record, I've had 2 valium today myself. :crying:


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

katies said:


> Losing - it's the only thing I trigger badly over. And yeah, I could really work hard and say all the things we're supposed to say - he chose me, it was long ago, take medication when I see them, etc. But, I shouldn't HAVE to do that. If I have to live here then fine - I'm spending ALL the money his precious job brings in.
> I guess digging deep, I'm still pissed that it all happened. I HATE that we're not perfect. I HATE that I don't trust him all the way. I thought we were better than that. Apparently we weren't.
> heck, my best friends' name is OW1's name.
> The facebook friendship would be a dealbreaker for me. At some point we need to say THIS or ME.
> ...


i get it I do....trust me.

You sound ate up with resentment. 

Honey, maybe you should make him move or divorce because that
kind of resentment will just bring a slow miserable death to the marriage.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

LosingHim said:


> I've felt much the same as everything you've said here. I get it.
> 
> For the record, I've had 2 valium today myself. :crying:


Love ya girl!


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

ButtPunch said:


> i get it I do....trust me.
> 
> You sound ate up with resentment.
> 
> ...


you know, certain days I am. Others not at all.


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