# Bf had a one night stand and got a girl pregnant way before we dated. Advice??



## princess89

Hello,
I need some advice. I've been with the person I'm with for 4 years now, making 5 years in August. There are some things I found out about him that really stresses me out. I knew about this when we first met because he told me, but it wasn't something I really cared about until now that we're in a serious relationship. Almost 8 years ago way before we even met, he was living with his cousins in another state. He lived there with his cousins and he use to party alot and do alot of stupid things. One night he told me that he got drunk and accidentally had sex with his cousins friend. When he came back to the state he lives in now, his cousin called him to tell him that the girl he had sex with is pregnant. He didn't care because he didn't want to keep the kid, but the girl that he had a one night stand with wanted to keep the baby because she didn't believe in abortions. He has never seen the girl or the kid up until now. Right after the night they had sex there was nothing going on between them. It just haunts me to know about this situation because I know that somewhere out in this world he is a father to some kid. I found out from his cousin that the girl has found a father figure for the kid and now has 2 kids from that guy and they have a serious relationship. I've asked my boyfriend if he cares about that situation and he told me that if he could go back into time, he wish he has never had sex with her because there was no love or anything. He told me that it was a one night stand, so the kid does not mean anything to him and he does not think about that situation at all. What sucks is that if we were to get kids in the future he can't say that is his first kid, although he told me that when we do have our first kid he will consider that kid as his first because the kid with that other girl does not mean anything to him. I asked him how do I know that he wouldnever leave me if I were to get pregnant from him, and he said it is because we have been together for almost 5 years so the kid means something to him and he would never leave me if I found out I was pregnant because we have a relationship together. He said its different compared to that girl because there was no relationship at all to begin with so that's why he didn't care about the kid and til this day he doesn't care. He never brings up about that situation, but it's always me who has thoughts about it. We have a dog that we been taking care of for 3 years now. He treats our dog like his own kid because he always takes care of her. But, my concern is that this situation just haunts me. How can I stop thinking and feeling this way about him and that he has a kid with someone else even though he doesn't see or talk to that kid at all? Any advice you can give me is greatly appreciated.

Thank you so much,.


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## BigToe

My advice is to NOT get pregnant.


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## princess89

Why would you advice that?can you explain your thoughts? You're a guy you should know how guys think ..pls provide your input
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear

I think the situations are very different, and how he behaved the first time is no indication of how he'll behave if you have a child together. And the fact that you're child is not the "first" is one of those things we wish we could change, but until time machines are invented, there's not much you can do about it.

Having said that, your husbands past behavior is pretty low. Getting in touch with the other woman to at least let her know that the father of her child is still alive and aware of the child would likely be nice. There's medical reasons to stay in touch as well. And I'm not sure about the legal/financial aspects as well... That might be worth investigating. But likely if the other woman wanted to be in touch, she could have used his cousin as well... I guess it's like someone giving a baby up for adoption... Many people do that for many reasons. I'm sure that some of them think about what they've done constantly, and others try to forget about it. It doesn't necessarily make them bad people.

This is something that seeing a counsellor, either individual or marriage, may help, I'd guess. You may want to think about that before getting pregnant.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Syrum

I feel very sorry for the innocent child your husband created. they did nothing wrong and essentially you cannot accidentally have sex. He chose to have sex, and IMO real men take their responsibilities seriously.

I would not have a child with a man who did not take care of his children, I think it's a really big indicator on how they view things, and the fact that he has never cared about this child, who has done nothing wrong and cannot help that they have come from him, is alarming to me.


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## Hicks

Run... He has demonstrated to you what his moral code is, and it is not a strong one. Also, another indicator of his lack of manliness is he is dating you for 5 years without marrying.


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## borninapril

First and foremost I would make sure that this child is actually his. Too many times someone has swore that a child is one persons and it turns out not to be. Until it is proven by DNA I wouldn't worry about it, you;ll only drive yourself crazy.


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## Edge

Sorry but to be blunt your bf sounds like a loser to me. He is not a man. A man takes care of his responsibilities and does the best he can to make up for his mistakes. Your bf fathered a child and said screw the child and the mother. Is this truly the boy (he is not a man) you want to spend your life with? He says your child will mean something to him. This might be true but he might also one day decide you and the child are no longer important to him. This boy needs to grow up and you need to get away from him until he does. Boys like him give the men a bad name.


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## BigToe

princess89 said:


> Why would you advice that?can you explain your thoughts? You're a guy you should know how guys think ..pls provide your input
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Neither of you sound ready for the responsibility of a child. On his part, nobody "accidentally" has sex even if they are drunk. That story he told you is B.S. His cavalier attitude toward producing a child speaks for itself and you are right to question what he would do if you became pregnant. He's been dating and banging you for 5 years. Why aren't you two married? Sounds like he is afraid of commitment.

Trust me, taking care of a dog is nowhere on scale the same as raising a child.


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## princess89

PBear said:


> I think the situations are very different, and how he behaved the first time is no indication of how he'll behave if you have a child together. And the fact that you're child is not the "first" is one of those things we wish we could change, but until time machines are invented, there's not much you can do about it.
> 
> Having said that, your husbands past behavior is pretty low. Getting in touch with the other woman to at least let her know that the father of her child is still alive and aware of the child would likely be nice. There's medical reasons to stay in touch as well. And I'm not sure about the legal/financial aspects as well... That might be worth investigating. But likely if the other woman wanted to be in touch, she could have used his cousin as well... I guess it's like someone giving a baby up for adoption... Many people do that for many reasons. I'm sure that some of them think about what they've done constantly, and others try to forget about it. It doesn't necessarily make them bad people.
> 
> This is something that seeing a counsellor, either individual or marriage, may help, I'd guess. You may want to think about that before getting pregnant.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well it was a one night stand he just met the girl that night and I'm sure some of you know how it is to be drunk and **** happens...I honestly had a one night stand before I met him too but luckily I didn't get pregnant..
He tries to forget about what happened cuz it has no meaning to him since that girl wasn't someone he was dating or had any love for ...he asked the girl to get an abortion but since she was against abortions she kept it. 
And I've gotten pregnant from my bf before but I got an abortion cuz I was still in high school. My parents are strict and I would have to suffer financially ..my bf cried when we found out I was pregnant and really wanted me to keep it but I couldn't. That's why we got a dog and he treats the dog like its our child and he does a good job at that. My plan is to graduate college have a good degree then get ready for marriage and kids. At the moment I can't do those things cuz I think about my life financially and don't want to suffer. I am only 22 years old. That's why we have not gotten married yet. But we do act like we are married ...we lived together see each other 24/7 he is actually the person providing me money since I don't work and just go to school. My parents are barely there for me since they rather take care of others. I know he can't really say our kid will be his first since in reality its not true but he said he will make it feel that way and treat our kid the best way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## princess89

Syrum said:


> I feel very sorry for the innocent child your husband created. they did nothing wrong and essentially you cannot accidentally have sex. He chose to have sex, and IMO real men take their responsibilities seriously.
> 
> I would not have a child with a man who did not take care of his children, I think it's a really big indicator on how they view things, and the fact that he has never cared about this child, who has done nothing wrong and cannot help that they have come from him, is alarming to me.


Pls read the reply I wrote to pbear
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## princess89

Hicks said:


> Run... He has demonstrated to you what his moral code is, and it is not a strong one. Also, another indicator of his lack of manliness is he is dating you for 5 years without marrying.


Read my reply to pbear and you will know the reason why I haven't got married with him yet. He has given me 2 rings (1st one i lost) and they were expensive. He is ready to settle down with me it is just me that is holding us back from actually getting married. So it's nothim.


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## princess89

borninapril said:


> First and foremost I would make sure that this child is actually his. Too many times someone has swore that a child is one persons and it turns out not to be. Until it is proven by DNA I wouldn't worry about it, you;ll only drive yourself crazy.


You are right. I've wondered the same. But his cousin has told me awhile back that they thinkit is his because the baby had the same looking jaw and chin as my bf. But that doesn't prove anything. DNA testing should have been taken, but either way my bf said he wouldn't father the child because this was a mistake and he didn't even have any sort of feelings for the girl


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## princess89

Edge said:


> Sorry but to be blunt your bf sounds like a loser to me. He is not a man. A man takes care of his responsibilities and does the best he can to make up for his mistakes. Your bf fathered a child and said screw the child and the mother. Is this truly the boy (he is not a man) you want to spend your life with? He says your child will mean something to him. This might be true but he might also one day decide you and the child are no longer important to him. This boy needs to grow up and you need to get away from him until he does. Boys like him give the men a bad name.


pls read the reply that i wrote to pbear


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## princess89

BigToe said:


> Neither of you sound ready for the responsibility of a child. On his part, nobody "accidentally" has sex even if they are drunk. That story he told you is B.S. His cavalier attitude toward producing a child speaks for itself and you are right to question what he would do if you became pregnant. He's been dating and banging you for 5 years. Why aren't you two married? Sounds like he is afraid of commitment.
> 
> Trust me, taking care of a dog is nowhere on scale the same as raising a child.


read the reply i wrote to pbear. and accidents do happen...I mean yeah they both had a say in obviously having sex because they both agreed to do it, but if they were in their right state of mind and not drunk i'm sure he would have not done what happened. It happened because they were both drunk and i honestly had a one night stand before so i know how it feels to have no feeling for the person and just accidentally have sex because of alcohol. Not a good excuse, but it's true...He did it because they were both drunk and obviously they both agreed to doing it. If he could he said he wouldn't have even got drunk so he knew what to do and not do. But things happen. He was young and I was young when i had a onenight stand too. He is ready to settle down with me andI can tell that.


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## princess89

Edge said:


> You both sound irresponsible. You deserve each other. He had sex and abandoned the resulting child. You had sex and murdered the resulting child. Neither one of you will be able to say the child you decide to let live and keep is your first child. Do the world a favor and stop procreating.


I am responsible. I wasn't going to let my child suffer by not giving it the nutrients it needs while in my uterus. I don't work and just go to school how would I have got money to do anything when my parents are even barely there for me. KNowing that if i were pregnant they would kick me out at the age of 17. Yes, i am irresponsible for having sex so young, but don't act like you or anyone you know has made mistakes like that.


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## Edge

Actually the only person I have ever had sex with is my wife. I waited for her. I also waited until I had a job and means for supporting her and any children we have. You decided your baby was too much of a inconvenience and so you aborted it. Like I said you deserve each other.


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## SunnyT

I can relate. There's reasons why my ex is my ex. 

When my 5th baby was about 6 mos. old, I found out from someone else that my (then) H had had a baby when he was 17...long before I came along. That child was about 12 years old by then. I'd never heard H or anyone in his family mention this...and he could not understand how I could be so upset by it. This was a huge turning point in our marriage... partly the dishonesty of not telling me all these years, allowing me to think that my children were his first...but also the fact that over all that time he had NO contact with that child. 

At that point he did have contact. He went to visit her, brought her to meet us...but never really let us integrate her into our family. Kind of kept her to himself....it was weird. He wasn't a very good father (and it shows...right?)... to her, or my kids. We paid back child support...and he sucked at making regular payments, would only pay when the state threatened his license. He sent her money all during college... which in his mind makes him a great father. He and she have a good relationship now, altho I've only spent time with her twice over the years. 

Our marriage was never the same tho after that. I separated from him at that time, but with 5 kids under 6....I just couldn't figure out how to afford to live! So we talked it out, figured things out and went on with life as a family. After 23 years, he said "I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to be married." And it was over. Period. 

I filed. I did all the paperwork. He didn't bother to respond. I didn't bother to request child support... I could finally afford to live on my own and support my kids without him. He paid child support to me sometimes, not in any manner that I could count on tho... had to count on myself. 

I know its a long story... but 23 years is a lot of stories! The bottom line is... you have a heads up. He doesn't care about that child (HIS child) and you know this up front. He thinks it's not his problem..... And I just think you are setting yourself up for a world of hurt. Because if he can do this to a baby, and not take care of...or at least feel SOME kind of responsibility for this child.... then he is lacking some part of his MANHOOD. What if he changes his mind about you later? What if you have children and he doesn't have a problem just walking away? 

Easy for me to say.... in retrospect? Nope. It will always be a sore spot with me. That he never said a word about that child, and that he never FELT responsible for her. I guess it makes me feel kind of stupid in retrospect. That he didn't share that info with me ....even that made me feel stupid, or unsure of myself and of course with the relationship. 

This is awkward to explain. I guess I just want you to know, that the whole LACK OF RESPONSIBILITY on his part says something about his character. It doesn't look good. Is this the kind of man you would wish on your sister? Your future daughters? Yourself? 

Think long and hard on this one....


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## Spursmad78

Gotta be honest here. Accident or no accident he should do his best to look after his child. The child did nothing wrong and deserves a father. He completely washed his hands of any responsibilty and left an innocent baby fatherless.

Comparing looking after a dog to being a real father to a child is ridiculous. Your boyfriend should be completely ashamed of himself. And also by the way you should be ashamed of your boyfriend for his behaviour. It's a disgrace he should feel he has the right to walk away and disown a child he never gave the chance.


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## SadieBrown

Saying it doesn't mean anything because he didn't have feelings for the girl is a total cop out. Most people care about their kids regardless of the relationship with the other parent. And if he loves the child or not he needs to man up, get a paternity test and take his responsibilities if he is the father. 

He sounds like a total loser, and you are not helping by making excuses for him. I've known so many women who have stuck with a man who treated other people badly, and then acted surprised when the man turned around and did the same thing to them. If he will treat an innocent child this way, don't be surprised in the future when he does something just as bad to you.

And I have to say that it doesn't say much about your character that you are not so concerned that he abandoned a child as much as you are that it will make your possible future child 'not his first'.


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## princess89

SunnyT said:


> I can relate. There's reasons why my ex is my ex.
> 
> When my 5th baby was about 6 mos. old, I found out from someone else that my (then) H had had a baby when he was 17...long before I came along. That child was about 12 years old by then. I'd never heard H or anyone in his family mention this...and he could not understand how I could be so upset by it. This was a huge turning point in our marriage... partly the dishonesty of not telling me all these years, allowing me to think that my children were his first...but also the fact that over all that time he had NO contact with that child.
> 
> At that point he did have contact. He went to visit her, brought her to meet us...but never really let us integrate her into our family. Kind of kept her to himself....it was weird. He wasn't a very good father (and it shows...right?)... to her, or my kids. We paid back child support...and he sucked at making regular payments, would only pay when the state threatened his license. He sent her money all during college... which in his mind makes him a great father. He and she have a good relationship now, altho I've only spent time with her twice over the years.
> 
> Our marriage was never the same tho after that. I separated from him at that time, but with 5 kids under 6....I just couldn't figure out how to afford to live! So we talked it out, figured things out and went on with life as a family. After 23 years, he said "I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to be married." And it was over. Period.
> 
> I filed. I did all the paperwork. He didn't bother to respond. I didn't bother to request child support... I could finally afford to live on my own and support my kids without him. He paid child support to me sometimes, not in any manner that I could count on tho... had to count on myself.
> 
> I know its a long story... but 23 years is a lot of stories! The bottom line is... you have a heads up. He doesn't care about that child (HIS child) and you know this up front. He thinks it's not his problem..... And I just think you are setting yourself up for a world of hurt. Because if he can do this to a baby, and not take care of...or at least feel SOME kind of responsibility for this child.... then he is lacking some part of his MANHOOD. What if he changes his mind about you later? What if you have children and he doesn't have a problem just walking away?
> 
> Easy for me to say.... in retrospect? Nope. It will always be a sore spot with me. That he never said a word about that child, and that he never FELT responsible for her. I guess it makes me feel kind of stupid in retrospect. That he didn't share that info with me ....even that made me feel stupid, or unsure of myself and of course with the relationship.
> 
> This is awkward to explain. I guess I just want you to know, that the whole LACK OF RESPONSIBILITY on his part says something about his character. It doesn't look good. Is this the kind of man you would wish on your sister? Your future daughters? Yourself?
> 
> Think long and hard on this one....



Thanks for the reply. How did he get in touch with the kid after so long? And so he never mentioned about the kid at all to you? Wow..Well he mentioned about the kid to me when we first dated so thats how i knew...But he has never talked to the kid at all. Plus the girl that he got pregnant has now got married or as kids with some guy and they are in a serious relationship, and thatswhat I heard about maybe 2 years ago. So why does he pay for child support? Did the girl your husband made pregnant decided to take him to court for it? 
Hmm our future daughter as of right now is our dog and he takes good care of her. He has changed his life around a lot since the day i've met him. He use to do alot of bad things way before meeting me, but since being with me he has turned his life around in a good way. He has got himself a career also not just a job. Thats why I feel like he did realize his mistakes and realizes his wrong doing and wishes everyday that it didn't happen, but what can he do about it.
He constantly tells me he wants to have kids with me someday and be my husband, but like i said, i told him that im waiting till im done with school and have a career so that i could have money flowing in and not just him. Plus i know i'd get kick out of my own home at this age that i'm at and who would be paying for my college if it weren't for my parents. SO thats the kind of things i think about. and he understands and respects my feelings for thse..


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## princess89

Spursmad78 said:


> Gotta be honest here. Accident or no accident he should do his best to look after his child. The child did nothing wrong and deserves a father. He completely washed his hands of any responsibilty and left an innocent baby fatherless.
> 
> Comparing looking after a dog to being a real father to a child is ridiculous. Your boyfriend should be completely ashamed of himself. And also by the way you should be ashamed of your boyfriend for his behaviour. It's a disgrace he should feel he has the right to walk away and disown a child he never gave the chance.


I understand where you are coming from andthat's what i asked him. He says that he made a mistake and he does not want anything to do with the child because he told the girl from the first place that he will not be apart of the kids life because he didn't want the kid and this was all an accident. The girl understood and took the chances of keeping the baby since she didnt believe in abortions. It takes two people, i know. and he said after he didn't want it, but she still wanted it so it was her part after that. She has already found a father figure for that kid and she has already gotten two kids or so from that guy that she is with now ...


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## princess89

SadieBrown said:


> Saying it doesn't mean anything because he didn't have feelings for the girl is a total cop out. Most people care about their kids regardless of the relationship with the other parent. And if he loves the child or not he needs to man up, get a paternity test and take his responsibilities if he is the father.
> 
> He sounds like a total loser, and you are not helping by making excuses for him. I've known so many women who have stuck with a man who treated other people badly, and then acted surprised when the man turned around and did the same thing to them. If he will treat an innocent child this way, don't be surprised in the future when he does something just as bad to you.
> 
> And I have to say that it doesn't say much about your character that you are not so concerned that he abandoned a child as much as you are that it will make your possible future child 'not his first'.


thanks for saying what you feel. i understand and i do look like a dumb person for trying to make excuses for him, but thats not hte case. i am not making excuses for him, i'm saying what he did tell me.....he has changed alot since we first met and that's the reason why i m still with him till this day. I feel that he has realized his wrong doings and is realizing that he needs to be a better person. he told me that when we have kids its a different story because we had a relationship


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## SadieBrown

princess89 said:


> thanks for saying what you feel. i understand and i do look like a dumb person for trying to make excuses for him, but thats not hte case. i am not making excuses for him, i'm saying what he did tell me.....he has changed alot since we first met and that's the reason why i m still with him till this day. I feel that he has realized his wrong doings and is realizing that he needs to be a better person. he told me that when we have kids its a different story because we had a relationship


If he were really trying to be a better person he would start with taking responsibility for past actions. 

Talk is cheap - actions speak louder than words.


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## princess89

SadieBrown said:


> If he were really trying to be a better person he would start with taking responsibility for past actions.
> 
> Talk is cheap - actions speak louder than words.


What can he do if the cousins he had that knew the girl don't talk to them anymore and she found a father figure for that kid my bf supposed to be a dad for.?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunnyT

The woman my ex was with did file for child support. BUT.... any man worth his salt would not wait for a woman to file child support. They would SUPPORT THEIR CHILD! I'm trying to tell you that this is a negative mark regarding his character.


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## golfergirl

princess89 said:


> What can he do if the cousins he had that knew the girl don't talk to them anymore and she found a father figure for that kid my bf supposed to be a dad for.?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I could love a child of mine even conceived through violent rape. The baby would be part of me. He got off 'lucky'. Normally paying support wouldn't be his choice. I'd be more scared than relieved that he could just walk away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Syrum

Things happen in life and not allways how we ant them to. I believe that if had changed he would have allready done something to make amends for how his child was treated, he would have allready stepped up.

You are still making excuses for him, and he would not be worthy of being the father of your children if he cannot first show you that he takes his responsibilities seriously, no matter how they came to be, difficult time or not, young or not, the child has no choice.


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## SadieBrown

princess89 said:


> What can he do if the cousins he had that knew the girl don't talk to them anymore and she found a father figure for that kid my bf supposed to be a dad for.?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There are ways to locate people if you really want to locate them. 

What can he do? He can contact the mother and make arrangements to support the child, and not leave it to another man to support the child he created.

You seem to want to make excuses for him. I am even wondering why you even posted this if you were not going to accept anything that was said in return.

I just have a strong feeling that in a few years (or maybe sooner) you will be back on this forum posting about how badly he treated you or how you had a family and he decided to just walk away. 

But you are determined to defend him. . .so carry on. . . . .


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## Spursmad78

Look Princess. I completely understand why you are defending your boyfriend. The fact is you love him and will do anything for him. However you have to be realistic.

I am a separated father of two daughters. The most precious time to me in my life is the access I have to my 2 girls. To me, for anybody who has a child to simply just walk away and say I do not want to be part of their life because it was an accident is completely disgusting and quite frankly shows this person up to be a completely self absorbed person who only cares for themselves. I gotta be honest and say if you cannot love your own child you are totally incapable of loving any other person.

My first daughter was not planned but I adore the ground she walks on. How can anyone just say "it was an accident and say I don't love my child"

By the way nobody has sex by "accident". Fair enough he was at a party but he wasn't too drunk to have sex so he wasn't too drunk to say no.

He chose to have the one night stand like we probably all have in the past but when the **** hit the fan he simply showed his true colours and proved he is not a man.

The truth is, your head is telling you he is completely in the wrong but your heart is making excuses for him.

My advice to you is not to let your heart rule your head. If you do you will end up holding the baby while he walks his dog.


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## Therealbrighteyes

Let me flip this around for you: What if that girl was a friend or a sister of yours? The guy has a one night stand with her having unprotected sex, she gets pregnant, he wants an abortion, she decides to keep the baby and he bails. Not once contacting her or the child. On top of that, never once financially supporting his offspring. What would you think of such a man who acted that way?


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## michzz

Some impulsive, immature behavior goes by the wayside as people get older and learn about life.

Other destructive behaviors are indicative of the core character of a person.

What you are faced with is deciding regarding your BF, which is it? 

Pretty tough spot to be in.

Reflect wisely, ignore the inflammatory. Choose a good path.


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## Therealbrighteyes

michzz said:


> Some impulsive, immature behavior goes by the wayside as people get older and learn about life.
> 
> Other destructive behaviors are indicative of the core character of a person.
> 
> What you are faced with is deciding regarding your BF, which is it?
> 
> Pretty tough spot to be in.
> 
> Reflect wisely, ignore the inflammatory. Choose a good path.


Every day he continues to not contact his child/provide support for, he is making a bad choice and he no longer has youth as an excuse. I see this as being very indicative of his character. Very.


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## michzz

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Every day he continues to not contact his child/provide support for, he is making a bad choice and he no longer has youth as an excuse. I see this as being very indicative of his character. Very.





michzz said:


> Some impulsive, immature behavior goes by the wayside as people get older and learn about life.
> 
> Other destructive behaviors are indicative of the core character of a person.
> 
> What you are faced with is deciding regarding your BF, which is it?
> 
> Pretty tough spot to be in.
> 
> Reflect wisely, ignore the inflammatory. Choose a good path.


Very true.


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## Six

There is indeed a character issue. How do your forsake your own child like that? I suspect you'd have less of an issue if he'd shown himself to be a committed, responsible, and caring parent.

Furthermore, the child will someday come looking for him. This drama will follow you.

So for me it's not so much the mistake (we've all made them, big and small) but his flippant attitude toward another life that is disconcerting.


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## sensibleman47

I willing to bet no-one on here is pro-abortion and thus is not the appropriate mindset to give advice in the situation. Would any of you commenting abort a child? If no, than your connections to another potential life vastly supercede your care about your own life if the child you did not choose to abort undoubtedlty caused you life altering SETBACKS. (any of you have a child as a teen? and then drop out to support it? forever changing your life and not giving your child the life it deserves?) I haven't, but have seen MANY MANY MANY who have and their lives (whether they like to admit it or not were often DESTROYED by this choice-financially and overall success-wise) 

Every period a woman has is a child not coming to be.. Yet we have no qualms about those babies, starting at age 13 roughly, not becoming people. If you cant part with the idea of stopping a child from fully existing for the betterment of all lives (except for the fertilized egg which will never experience anything) than you are a prisoner to ideals as well. She has told all of you this was a one night stand and that he attempted to never create a child, and after finding this out wanted an abortion. If he had the ability the child would never have existed to cause all of this terribleness. But in our system, half of the creators of people have 0% control over what happens. She had the kid anyway at her OWN PERIL. He was not able to support the child and did not intend to have this child. This is not the 50's. We are aware enough (some of us) to avoid bigger mistakes after making smaller ones. If you are anti-abortion you cannot perceive making a tough choice for the betterment of most. You are trapped by your ideals. A one night stand where the woman decides to keep it against the will of the sperm donor is not his choice and should not be his responsibility since the woman has 100% of the choice of having the baby or not. He had no choice. 

Many people on here need to stop being so self-righteous and realize not everyone has the same life-above-all-odds-and-detriment ideals that you do. Seriously. 

Listen hun, you know he has changed and I suppose the only question is has he changed enough? I feel in the situation this man had no say over a thing that COULD happen to most except for the religious zealots and middle-of-the-country residents on here who wait till marriage to talk to a girl or are so in denial becuase of their love for their child they cannot see how this decision impacted so many lives NEGATIVELY due to the timing. Their advice is not very relevant it seems because most young adults are simply not like them in this area, whether they can tolerate or comprehend that or not. If he did not consider this to be his child it's because it's not his child in his mind. Not because he is a loser but because someone received his sperm and then fully created a child with it against his damn will. I can fully see him being real and committed this time since #1 HE HAS A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU, #2 WANTS A CHILD WITH YOU, #3 IS NOT HAVING A ONE NIGHT STAND WITH YOU, #4 WANTS TO MARRY YOU, #5 IS OLDER AND MORE MATURE NOW, #6 IS RESPONSIBLE ENOUGH TO KNOW A CHILD SHOULD COME WHEN YOU ARE READY TO HAVE IT (FINANCIALLY AND MENTALLY), #7 IS NOT HAVING A ONE NIGHT STAND WITH YOU, #8 IS NOT HAVING A ONE NIGHT STAND WITH YOU, and #9 IS NOT HAVING A ONE NIGHT STAND WITH YOU. 

PEOPLE HAVE SEX, COMMENTATORS. If all children from one night stands were created, the world would be an even crappier place. She kept it against his will and now has another man and family who have the means and ability to support this child. Stop spreading your ideals to those who do not live by your standards.

If he did not intend to have a child till he was ready.. AKA with you. Then he will most likely consider your child to be his first. Even if the others on here can't understand that in the least.

Just had to give some advice that wasn't enclosed in religious, old world, or out of touch biases. Hope this helps.


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## krismimo

Ok Being biased here I understand where you both are coming from. 

Here is the thing first of all no one knows if the child is really his so he needs to at least get a paternity test to find out if the child is his because weather or not he decides he wants to be in his child's life has nothing to do with it if she decides to hit him up for child support. 

If the child is proven to be his and he doesn't want to anything to do with the child then he should sign away his rights and give them up to her since she decided to have the child. Everyone is blaming the guy but she is responsible as well, it takes two to make a child. 

He needs to find out if that child is his to begin with for legal reasons. I don't think he is a bad person I think he was young and didn't make wise choices but the mother of the child didn't either. If he truly wants to walk away from the situation and you are ok with it than that is what he should do.


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## krismimo

sensibleman47 said:


> I willing to bet no-one on here is pro-abortion and thus is not the appropriate mindset to give advice in the situation. Would any of you commenting abort a child? If no, than your connections to another potential life vastly supercede your care about your own life if the child you did not choose to abort undoubtedlty caused you life altering SETBACKS. (any of you have a child as a teen? and then drop out to support it? forever changing your life and not giving your child the life it deserves?) I haven't, but have seen MANY MANY MANY who have and their lives (whether they like to admit it or not were often DESTROYED by this choice-financially and overall success-wise)
> 
> Every period a woman has is a child not coming to be.. Yet we have no qualms about those babies, starting at age 13 roughly, not becoming people. If you cant part with the idea of stopping a child from fully existing for the betterment of all lives (except for the fertilized egg which will never experience anything) than you are a prisoner to ideals as well. She has told all of you this was a one night stand and that he attempted to never create a child, and after finding this out wanted an abortion. If he had the ability the child would never have existed to cause all of this terribleness. But in our system, half of the creators of people have 0% control over what happens. She had the kid anyway at her OWN PERIL. He was not able to support the child and did not intend to have this child. This is not the 50's. We are aware enough (some of us) to avoid bigger mistakes after making smaller ones. If you are anti-abortion you cannot perceive making a tough choice for the betterment of most. You are trapped by your ideals. A one night stand where the woman decides to keep it against the will of the sperm donor is not his choice and should not be his responsibility since the woman has 100% of the choice of having the baby or not. He had no choice.
> 
> Many people on here need to stop being so self-righteous and realize not everyone has the same life-above-all-odds-and-detriment ideals that you do. Seriously.
> 
> Listen hun, you know he has changed and I suppose the only question is has he changed enough? I feel in the situation this man had no say over a thing that COULD happen to most except for the religious zealots and middle-of-the-country residents on here who wait till marriage to talk to a girl or are so in denial becuase of their love for their child they cannot see how this decision impacted so many lives NEGATIVELY due to the timing. Their advice is not very relevant it seems because most young adults are simply not like them in this area, whether they can tolerate or comprehend that or not. If he did not consider this to be his child it's because it's not his child in his mind. Not because he is a loser but because someone received his sperm and then fully created a child with it against his damn will. I can fully see him being real and committed this time since #1 HE HAS A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU, #2 WANTS A CHILD WITH YOU, #3 IS NOT HAVING A ONE NIGHT STAND WITH YOU, #4 WANTS TO MARRY YOU, #5 IS OLDER AND MORE MATURE NOW, #6 IS RESPONSIBLE ENOUGH TO KNOW A CHILD SHOULD COME WHEN YOU ARE READY TO HAVE IT (FINANCIALLY AND MENTALLY), #7 IS NOT HAVING A ONE NIGHT STAND WITH YOU, #8 IS NOT HAVING A ONE NIGHT STAND WITH YOU, and #9 IS NOT HAVING A ONE NIGHT STAND WITH YOU.
> 
> PEOPLE HAVE SEX, COMMENTATORS. If all children from one night stands were created, the world would be an even crappier place. She kept it against his will and now has another man and family who have the means and ability to support this child. Stop spreading your ideals to those who do not live by your standards.
> 
> If he did not intend to have a child till he was ready.. AKA with you. Then he will most likely consider your child to be his first. Even if the others on here can't understand that in the least.
> 
> Just had to give some advice that wasn't enclosed in religious, old world, or out of touch biases. Hope this helps.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree: AMEN.

Not everything is cut black and white I figured it was a one night stand and SHE alone chose to have the child anyway he didn't. She also made a choice too to sleep with him not knowing much about each other. That does not make him a dead beat to me, if he doesn't want to be in the child's life then he shouldn't, just because someone is made to be a father does not mean he should be.


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## LonelyinLove

"Sensibleman47 said "Every period a woman has is a child not coming to be.. Yet we have no qualms about those babies...."

Unless the egg meets a sperm, the egg remains unfertilized and not a potential child.

Biology 101


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## COGypsy

I'm taking a guess though and saying that since this post is from 2011, she's either come to terms with the situation or moved on.


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## Unique Username

Lonely

THat's kinda like

The eggs we buy at the grocery store and cook up for breakfast are UNFERTILIZED eggs

and the kind that are fertilized (Rooster fertilizes the Hen's Egg) turn in to baby chicks?



2011? lol certainly Moot now



(When someone is new to TAM they (including me) look at an interesting post and comment not realuizing it is an old dead thread)


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## Cosmos

LonelyinLove said:


> "Sensibleman47 said "Every period a woman has is a child not coming to be.. Yet we have no qualms about those babies...."
> 
> Unless the egg meets a sperm, the egg remains unfertilized and not a potential child.
> 
> Biology 101


Same with a non-hormone IUD...


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## LonelyinLove

COGypsy said:


> I'm taking a guess though and saying that since this post is from 2011, she's either come to terms with the situation or moved on.


Yeah...I noticed that...some really old posts just seem to pop up at random...


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## LonelyinLove

Unique Username said:


> Lonely
> 
> THat's kinda like
> 
> The eggs we buy at the grocery store and cook up for breakfast are UNFERTILIZED eggs
> 
> and the kind that are fertilized (Rooster fertilizes the Hen's Egg) turn in to baby chicks?
> 
> 
> 
> 2011? lol certainly Moot now
> 
> 
> 
> (When someone is new to TAM they (including me) look at an interesting post and comment not realuizing it is an old dead thread)


I'm dying to raise some baby chicks


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## lisab0105

I'm going to guess, Princess that you like that he is not involved with his FIRST child. You like that he insists your will be his "real" first child. I think you would probably be insanely jealous for yourself and your future children if he accepted this child. Right now, you like that he holding you to a higher standard than this other girl and their child. 

I hope you both realize that no matter her domestic situation right now, she can come after the loser that is your BF and get him for child support for EVERY year that kid has been alive...and I hope she comes to her senses and does it. Its the least of what he deserves.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy

zombie thread from the past folks!


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## frusdil

princess89 said:


> and he said after he didn't want it, *but she still wanted it so it was her part after that.* She has already found a father figure for that kid and she has already gotten two kids or so from that guy that she is with now ...


Um. No. That's not how it works.

That poor child. What a deadbeat dad he has. Lucky for him, his mother's new partner stepped up where his own father should have.

Your partner is a disgrace.


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## Shaggy

Shaggy said:


> zombie thread from the past folks!


Still DeAd folks


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## tom67

Shaggy said:


> Still DeAd folks


Kind of like pet cemetery they come back.


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## AVR1962

Your situations are way different, you can't compare them. My daughter's BF is a result of the very situation you have described. He does have a relationship with his bio dad even though the parents were never married. He also knows another man as the father that raised him and he loves both dads. My advise to you is don't get stuck on this.

Let it go, accept it and move on. If your husband wants to be a part of this child's life I actually think it is good for the child as later then there won't be unanswered questions and feeling rejected by your husband. He will not have a typical father son relationship with the child but the biology will show evidence of bits of him and your husband should be comfortable with that.

I actually hope bio parents can work together to make things good for this boy and I hope that you can accept the situation too.


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## petite43110

Past is past. Try to look ahead in the future. If you have doubts about him, then I think you really should ask yourself how far can you make compromise. You really don't know what is there ahead of you. No matter how much advice we all give here, there is no certainty f what is ahead. The fact that we also hardly know you and your partner, we cannot really tell what is there that awaits you both. There are so many factors to consider when starting parenthood. Your partners past is past, but somewhere in between those fine line defines who he is. Will he be the same in the future? Nobody really knows. People change and so does circumstances. Sometimes people sing a song in a different tune before and after marriage and after becoming a parent.

As to him taking care of your dog like his own kid. Having / taking care of child/ren is different from dogs. There is just so much responsibility tied up in becoming a parent.

The question is, are you willing to take the risk of becoming a parent and is ready to face the consequences attached to any circumstances, good or bad that the future hold. It is nice if in the future your partner will really be a good father but what if it is the other way around? Are you ready to cross that bridge? 

you are no longer in control of the past, but do have the ability to do so for the future.


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## kay hayden

princess89 said:


> read the reply i wrote to pbear. and accidents do happen...I mean yeah they both had a say in obviously having sex because they both agreed to do it, but if they were in their right state of mind and not drunk i'm sure he would have not done what happened. It happened because they were both drunk and i honestly had a one night stand before so i know how it feels to have no feeling for the person and just accidentally have sex because of alcohol. Not a good excuse, but it's true...He did it because they were both drunk and obviously they both agreed to doing it. If he could he said he wouldn't have even got drunk so he knew what to do and not do. But things happen. He was young and I was young when i had a onenight stand too. He is ready to settle down with me andI can tell that.


Hey, Honey...Not sure if your going to get this its 2017 now so just wanted you to know I was in the same boat and my man has to pay his kid child support, no dna test was given but she does favor him, we been together for 7 years and we have one baby together and this is his 1st kid, NO ONE CAN SAY THAT IT ISNT! I sahm and he works and he treats us great and we love him...but he had a one night stand and never talked to that person again other than child support court and that's it, he doesn't want anything to do with the kid and never will...his choice and doesn't care what anyone thinks about it it is our life and that's all that matters...is her fault she brought a baby in the world with no father and we wish the mother would have had an abortion but she didn't my kids willnever know of these one night stand let alone the kid he had with her....our chiove and don't care who knows...it doesn't makehim a bad person and not a man! in my opinion he is a man yours too....people make mistakes and if he doesn't want anything to do with the kid that's his chioice no ones elses to make! good luck and I'm here if u need to talk


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## MJJEAN

kay hayden said:


> Hey, Honey...Not sure if your going to get this its 2017 now so just wanted you to know I was in the same boat and my man has to pay his kid child support, no dna test was given but she does favor him, we been together for 7 years and we have one baby together and this is his 1st kid, NO ONE CAN SAY THAT IT ISNT! I sahm and he works and he treats us great and we love him...but he had a one night stand and never talked to that person again other than child support court and that's it, he doesn't want anything to do with the kid and never will...his choice and doesn't care what anyone thinks about it it is our life and that's all that matters...is her fault she brought a baby in the world with no father and we wish the mother would have had an abortion but she didn't my kids willnever know of these one night stand let alone the kid he had with her....our chiove and don't care who knows...it doesn't makehim a bad person and not a man! in my opinion he is a man yours too....people make mistakes and if he doesn't want anything to do with the kid that's his chioice no ones elses to make! good luck and I'm here if u need to talk


His first child is the biological child born first. This isn't an opinion, it's a fact. So, fact is, his first child is not your baby together, but the child he had before. Sorry. Pesky reality and all.

Another pesky reality is that he's equally responsible for the existence of his children. That first baby he didn't want? Yeah, turns out sex makes babies and if one doesn't want to risk unplanned parenthood, one should probably not have sex. 

Hiding siblings from your child is a **** move. But then, so was abandoning his first child, so at least the piss poor behavior is consistent.


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## lifeistooshort

Zombie thread. 

Closed.


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