# The Long Road



## shattered man

Its been since labor day that I found out about her affair....we have gone thru an emotional meat grinder since then....I have done a life long turn around...long story...trying to be a better man that i was being before....we have both begun personal counciling...nothing together yet......she has broken ties with her "other" man....i believe....she has gotten some letters from somebody explaining this was not his first fling with a married woman.....not sure what she thinks about them...hasnt really said much about it.....My question is for those who have or are going thru this reconciliation phase......HOW do you let go and trust them again....and not second guess.....HOW do you let go of the emotional pain they caused you.....HOW do you NOT think about all the lies and crap you found out along the way.....I still have trouble sleeping...its like a slow playing movie all the texts i read the messages between them the pictures.....they play over and over in my mind......I tell her I love her and she says thankyou to me but she cant say the words with the same meaning right now....how long do i wait......God help me i love Her.....Ive looked into moving out and leaving but our 3 daughters deserve everything we have to make this family work....today she looked so beautiful.....is there light at the end of this tunnel...or is it a big joke on me?


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## Dewayne76

Well, I haven't been this far in a break up / problem before. I don't know. I doubt it's anything that's gonna be quick. 

It's going to take time and faith. 

Both parties MUST be completely transparent, all passwords to all online emails, facebook etc. Phone looks are gonna be in this as well. 

If there's no problem getting demand's / requests met, then it should be ok, but still be a long road. 

Explain to the partner that it's gonna be rough, you may have triggers that put you in an upset mood. If they seem to take it well and do anything they can to make you feel better, it's a great sign. 

Other than that, I don't know what to tell you. 

Good luck.


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## naga75

i havent figured out how to not let it run through my mind yet.
the one thing i HAVE figured out, though...is to be okay with it happening.
and to be okay with being angry and hurt.
i am a long way from trusting my wife again. a looooong way.
she understands that. and that is one reason i chose to stay.


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## Dewayne76

"i am a long way from trusting my wife again. a looooong way.
she understands that. and that is one reason i chose to stay."

Sounds to me like a good start. As long as she's understanding of it all and you guys can work together on this... should be alright.


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## Chuck71

May I pose a question? If there were no children between any of you, would you still try to keep it together or walk away?


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## Dewayne76

Even if we didn't have little jojo, I'd still try to keep it together. 

I knew my wife 11 years ago. I know she's changed, but that doesn't mean we've necessarily grown apart. 

I took vows to love this woman till death do us part. I also took my vows, very seriously. 

Yes, I'd try to keep it together.


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## Chuck71

Just wanted to weigh the factors of children in equation


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## Dewayne76

Sorry if I wasn't meant to asnwer that question, lol. 

Any updates?


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## shattered man

We have 3 kids.....I believe yes I would still be here...we are both far from perfect....no excuse for what she has done...God help me i fell in love with her the moment I met her...and havent stopped since that day. Update. Things have "leveled" off....all good days....we are together alot doing stuff together...planning future....etc....she still hasnt told me she loves me....I know she must...or how could we talk they way we do....i tell her I love her daily and she hugs me tight....ive told her I know she loves me and to forgive herself so we can begin healing.....I hope I am doing the right thing by saying that....she has changed alot in the past 3 months for the better......still "on guard" but optimistic.....have kind of come to terms with everything.....life would be perfect with her.....but not over without her.....we go day by day .....pray everyday that the right path will be shown to me......i guess for now we work o things....on ourselves and see what comes of it all........sound possible?


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## Chuck71

i'm glad to hear things are looking up. don't hear much of that happening it seems. please keep us posted!


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## Dewayne76

SM, as Chuck said, don't see much of this as of late. (I'm a newb still tho, but I got through a lot of threads) 

SO glad that it seems to be looking up. I truly hope everything works out. Again, please keep us updated! I feel a lot of ppl start seeing positive changes and stop coming here.


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## shattered man

I was told by many that I cant Nice my way back into her heart....maybe I have or havent but at this point i have to believe that we are moving in the right direction....small steps yes but still progress....we both changed...and are changing still...i keep praying that god has her come back to me mind body soul one day.....and that I can forgive the other guy.....and not want to dismantle him everytime i see him.....small community so its more often than not....I just keep trying to be a better man


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## Chuck71

Keep in mind, she must realize, Boston's ever informing song "the man i'll never be". you aren't perfect. neither is she. baby steps.


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## shattered man

As days go by I find myself becoming more and more resentful of her. Im not even sure if i care anymore to wait around and see what happens. She still cant say I love you to me....and sometimes downplays any compliments i give her.....she still 'acts' caring etc....talks of the future .....but Im having a HARD time not seeing her in a different light now....regardless of what flaws I have...i didnt deserve this.....my kids didnt derserve this.....and who the hell is she to dictate MY future....I didnt do this. Still having issues sleeping and eating.....we live in a small community and I know it has gotten around so who looks worse? her for cheating or me for staying?


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## Amplexor

shattered man said:


> t.....My question is for those who have or are going thru this reconciliation phase......HOW do you let go and trust them again....and not second guess.....HOW do you let go of the emotional pain they caused you.....HOW do you NOT think about all the lies and crap you found out along the way.....


By excepting the fact that your marriage is changed forever. The trust can build, the pain will ebb but the marriage won't be the same. That does not mean it won't ever be good again but it won't be the same. A few months is not enough time to absorb the body shot you just took let alone move past it. It is a slow and painful process and keep in mind hers will be too. With time she will realize the damage she's done, the hurt she's inflected a begin her journey. She is not ready to reconnect with you so she keeps you at bay. (Downplays complements) She won't say she loves you until she is ready to. It does get better, my wife and I are 5 years post D-Day and the marriage is better in many ways than it was before.


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## shattered man

I just hope Im strong enough to wait......Im already sick....been in and out of the Doctors like crazy with stomach issues.....every test comes back negative so basically all nerves....lost 30 pounds.....praying that I can hold on long enough..


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## Chuck71

I know of a couple who went through that. The only way he said he would give it any type of shot was to kill the marriage and start over. She wanted to work things out but he was adament. They D's on a Tuesday (off.) and a week later, they remarried. Been 17 years and they have made it. He said the D had to happen or he would have never gotten past it.


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## shattered man

I agree its changed....I have days of hate and pain...days of love....days of insecurities....why do i love her so much? I found out she contacted him via her sister a month ago regarding a letter she got from another woman stating the same thing happened to her and her family from this guy.....I found myself not caring.....i dont know if i care anymore.....ive looked for jobs, houses in the area.....still it boils down to I STILL LOVE HER!! Why God ....WHY.....I dont need her..I want her....I love her.....and God its killing me from the inside out.


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## Chuck71

if you need to talk, pm me, we can chat or phone, ive been there


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## naga75

You cant pick who you love. Unfortunately, for many of us here. 
You can only decide what you can take, and what you can forgive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## This is me

Hang in there! 

Time does heal wounds and patience is the key. You need to distract yourself from the pain. Treat yourself to something everyday. Does not need to be big, a starbucks, anything that tells yourself you are worth feeling better for yourself. Basically treating your wounded self, because this is not your fault.

Stop telling her you love her is my gut feeling. Even as much as you do, don't do it. It is a reminder everytime that she is not telling you. I also think you should lightly 180, at least read it to pick points to help. Not to be cold or dark so much as to gain more independence.

We all need to work through our situations and many of us feel your pain. Been there and can relate. Just know you will come out stronger and better after all of this. Time heals.

Wishing you well.


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## Chuck71

She knows you love her. The pain in your eyes can show it. Stop saying it. 180 and NC as much as you can. Go to youtube and pull up those songs you used to race your car listening to.


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## shattered man

180...as in attitude adjustment im assuming....At forst i was puppy dogging her all over the house....i stopped that...I dont tell her I love her....I told her you know how i feel.....I do try to extra around the house...above and beyond my "normal" duties....Ive tried to just push thru....tried? trying....I am Ive made the decision to stay.....to forgive and forget best I can and hope we can build a stronger marriage than before all this.... So at least i can say i did everything in my power to save this family...My oldest daughter understands this completely....Like i said I dont Need her I still want her...I still love her.....and want to trust her again.... hopefully this doesnt make me a weak, pathetic excuse for a man.


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## shattered man

how do i add friends for PM's?


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## Chuck71

it doesnt SM......its called being human. a truely remorseful spouse will spend the rest of their life showing it was a mistake. there is no excuse for cheating


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## shattered man

she has yet to ask me to forgive her....she is a stubborn soul......today, 16 years ago i asked her father for her hand in marriage.......today has been a rough one.


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## Chuck71

being hard headed can work in two ways. you will go through those days, the years since this and that. i'm sure i will with mine. it's hard but it gets easier. you eventually will get sick and tired of being sick and tired. there is no excuse for cheating.


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## Chuck71

as for PMs, click on the name it has drop down


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## stuckmick

Just went thru it. Let her go. Its not going to get any better until you do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stuckmick

shattered man said:


> We have 3 kids.....I believe yes I would still be here...we are both far from perfect....no excuse for what she has done...God help me i fell in love with her the moment I met her...and havent stopped since that day. Update. Things have "leveled" off....all good days....we are together alot doing stuff together...planning future....etc....she still hasnt told me she loves me....I know she must...or how could we talk they way we do....i tell her I love her daily and she hugs me tight....ive told her I know she loves me and to forgive herself so we can begin healing.....I hope I am doing the right thing by saying that....she has changed alot in the past 3 months for the better......still "on guard" but optimistic.....have kind of come to terms with everything.....life would be perfect with her.....but not over without her.....we go day by day .....pray everyday that the right path will be shown to me......i guess for now we work o things....on ourselves and see what comes of it all........sound possible?


My god man....this was me one year ago...day by day, still hasnt said she loved me....the whole thing......blah blah....truth? She doesnt. She is going to lead you on and f*ck with your head. Start detaching. 180 her ass. YOU start making the rules. If she objects or threatens to leave? Buddy, she is going to anyway. She is just looking for a reason....so give her one...make it your choice...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## naga75

stuckmick said:


> My god man....this was me one year ago...day by day, still hasnt said she loved me....the whole thing......blah blah....truth? She doesnt. She is going to lead you on and f*ck with your head. Start detaching. 180 her ass. YOU start making the rules. If she objects or threatens to leave? Buddy, she is going to anyway. She is just looking for a reason....so give her one...make it your choice...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


yessir.
although my wife does show extreme remorse and apologizes often and does her best to "make it up to me"...
she didnt do ANY of that until i basically made the decision that i had had enough, and more importantly, SHOWED her i could be just fine without her. just fine.


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## shattered man

last night for some reason I couldnt bring myself to sleep in the same bed as her....i fond myself detaching from her little by little each day.....she doesnt seem to really care....today i left for work and didnt offer up my usual kiss goodbye...she came running and asked for one.....i did the same at lunch and again she asked.....me are in a financial situation i have no idea how to get out of.....I almost find myself hoping to lose everything for a fresh start somewhere else.....with or with out her.....seems my feeling change like the weather does.....maybe im going nuts i dont know.


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## Chuck71

naga is your journey thru he!! on here?


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## Chuck71

SM-try refusing the kiss. she doesn't deserve them. If she asks why tell her to figure it out herself. When you're detached, truly, you feel as cold as ice, you are not but it feels that way compared to what you were. Act like you did when you dated, she wants a kiss, earn it.....but "keep your friends close but your enemies closer" is something to keep in back of mind.


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## naga75

Chuck71 said:


> naga is your journey thru he!! on here?


Not in its entirety, but i posted in the CIW area just yestrday or day before that really gives a synopsis. 
Its titled "hit a brick wall" or something. I cant link it im on my phone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 1172JR

I fell greatly for your pain. I had suspicions for a long time, it is now confirmed but I have not confronted. For sake of family and children, I wanted to get through holidays, 2 small kids. I also took my vows seriously and can not comprehend how anyone could do this to another. I am in shock, numb, mad, confused, have a self confidence of about 0, stay upset most of the time, and can not sleep. This occupies most of my thoughts while awake. I don't know if I should confront, get counseling, or just pack and leave. This is the toughest time in my life and never thought a person can hurt this much. I know this is not very helpful for you but I hope you find comfort in knowing you are not suffering alone.


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## shattered man

Christmas went off without a hitch.....she sure seems to be warming up each day.....i told her merry christmas and i love her and got no response thats beginning to wear on me....I keep getting this feeling she is pretending again.....buying her time thru the holidays to drop the hammer.....ive begun asking a few more questions about where we are where we are heading.....meanings to conversations.....EVERYTHING we talk about seems to involve future plans together......remodeling car purchases.....vacations....i know we were at the brink of divorce prior to me finding out........how much time to I wait for her love? is it possible she is still leading me on at this point.....we discuss the future plans with our kids........i keep telling myself there is NO WAY that she could be so evil as to lead me on like this with the intentions of divorce .......or reconciliation .......i wish i had a crystal ball to see the future.....i catch myself day dreaming about living on my own again..and how i know i can make it.....but its not what i want........for the love of God i want this woman.....but.......im not going to wait around while she plays me ..........today i told her 2 months and if she cant give me a solid answer i walk......disclosing all the affair details to her friends and family as i leave......ive been living in hell for 4 months i think she should share in it if thats her choice.


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