# Attachment Disorder



## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

Hi guys. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Little Bird. I'm 20, in law school, been engaged for about 2 years and in a relationship for 6. 

To make a long story short, I think there might be something wrong with me.

I don't know if this is the right place to put this. I just don't want to hurt my fiancé. I really don't. I figured this might be the one place I can talk about this without being attacked...

And yes, I am in therapy. It's ****ing useless. I don't actually understand how that is supposed to work, maybe it is just me. 

Can't I just talk to my wall for an hour? It would save me 200 bucks. 

I guess that's just my take on it. I don't get how talking and someone else nodding is supposed to solve anything.

Anyway, this is hard for me to paint a clear picture of but I will try:

My family is relatively wealthy. My parents are both into the jet setter lifestyle, so they normally left me with a nanny. They were both disappointed I wasn't a boy and told me so on many occasions. My mother always behaved erratically and she was notorious for firing my nannies, so I had about 12 of them between the ages of 1 to 5 years old. 

For holidays, I'd usually get cards with money in them or a new toy in the mail. For birthdays, they would normally make an appearance but I was never allowed to invite anyone. My parents used the party as a publicity event and invited all of their co-workers. I did get presents, though.

Once, I accidentally fell down some stairs at a party and broke an arm. My parents delayed their trip to stay with me in the hospital.

This is where the trouble starts.

The nurses caught me banging that arm against the wall because I didn't want it to heal. I didn't want them to go.

I've never done anything self harming like that again, thank God.

So I found another way to get their attention. I became a very diligent study and by the time I was an early teen, I was getting a lot of state wide attention. Spelling bees, college courses, test scores...blah, blah. I also took up violin and became quite good it. I learned languages, I memorized facts. I discovered somewhere along the way that I was considered quite pretty- they seemed to appreciate that, so I ran with that also.

It worked, actually. They started to show some interest when I could be used as a talking point for their friends. 

I met my fiancé when I was 3, at some stupid play date for rich kids whose parents couldn't be bothered. 

He was my only consistent friend for years and years. In fact, even when I got to high school and everyone wanted to be my friend, I rejected that. I was cordial and nice. Everyone liked me and I was homecoming queen twice. But I wouldn't call them my friends. But maybe that's just high school.

Between elementary and right now (law school), I have made one friend. My fiancé. 

And God. Ironically, I'm not super religious. But the whole "someone loves you" thing was too much for me to resist and I became a Catholic. 

Around the time (12 or 13) I found religion, I attached to the *wrong* person. Someone close to my father. Older. Charismatic. Bought me candy. Remembered my birthday.

Depending on what day you ask me, I might say it was 5 years of sexual abuse. Other days, I might say it was 5 years of a sexual trade off. I don't know. But I was a child, so I don't think I was competent enough to compete with him.

Either way, it led to sex issues in my current relationship. He wants it every day, I want it never. But I don't *not* want it. I can't really call it an aversion. More of a neutrality. But I have been told this is...somehow manipulative of me. An act I put on. I never thought of it that way. I was just trying to adapt to what I view as normal. I tend to watch other people for a few minutes, hours...before deciding how best to approach that person. I really don't have a personality, outside of my basic, core morals and beliefs. Things I will never do, lines I will never cross. Everything else is totally dependent on what I'm trying to accomplish or who I am trying to relate to. 

As a side note, I do masturbate on occasion, I'm not totally frigid. And I enjoy kissing and touching. 

But anyway...yeah.

So far, the consensus seems to be that my fiancé should run, run, run far away from me before he ends up hating his life in 10 years.

Is there hope for my relationship? Or for a marriage that hasn't even started?

I always imagined people with issues as strung out druggies on the street. Not at the top of a law school class with a three foot long resume. 

No amount of credentials is going to make my marriage work, though.

So...I know I didn't really ask a solid question. But if anyone has any insight, that'd be great.

And no, you don't have to be nice to me. I can take it.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Good therapists don't just nod, listen and agree with you. They challenge you, give you homework, force you to confront yourself.

At least they do if they think you're strong enough.


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

Lyris said:


> Good therapists don't just nod, listen and agree with you. They challenge you, give you homework, force you to confront yourself.
> 
> At least they do if they think you're strong enough.



The therapist as a child did no such thing. 

My current therapist is de-railed on the sexual abuse which frankly, I think is the smaller of the issues.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

You need a new therapist. If you had a good one you'd understand how/why it works and you'd be feeling better by now.

And the best therapists aren't necessarily the most expensive. I pay $100 an hour for mine. She's awesome and she's not a PHD.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

LittleBird said:


> I think there might be something wrong with me.


Nori, you have such an amazing level of self awareness that, if you do have "something wrong," your chances for learning to manage your issues are very good. Significantly, the behaviors you describe -- the self harm, not having a stable personality, not knowing who you are, and great difficulty attaching to other people -- are some of the classic traits of a well-known pattern of behavior. 

This pattern is common among people, like you, who had emotionally unavailable parents during their early childhood years. The pattern also is common among children and adolescents, like you, who were sexually abused for years. Yet, if you actually do have this pattern of behavior, you likely would find yourself exhibiting most of the following traits at a strong level:


1. Black-white thinking, wherein you categorize everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction;
2. Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"
3. Controlling behavior that tries to isolate your fiance away from his close friends or family members;
4. Irrational jealousy and lack of trust;
5. Flipping, on a dime, between adoring your finace and devaluing him (sometimes even hating him, perhaps);
6. Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about two days later;
7. Low self esteem;
8. Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing your finace says or does (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums that typically last several hours;
9. Fear of abandonment or being alone;
10. Always being "The Victim," a false self image you validate by blaming your finace for every misfortune;
11. Lack of impulse control, wherein you do reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating, drinking, or spending);
12. Complaining that all your previous BFs were abusive and claiming (during your courtship) that your fiance is the only one who has treated you well;
13. Mirroring your fiance's personality and preferences so perfectly during the first six months of your courtship (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone he likes) that you had convinced both him and yourself that you had met your "soul mate;"
14. Relying on your fiance to center and ground you, giving you a sense of direction because your goals otherwise keep changing every few months;
15. Relying on your fiance to sooth you and calm you down, when you are stressed, because you have so little ability to do self soothing;
16. Having many casual friends but not any _close _long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away);
17. Taking on the personality of whatever person you are talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people -- with the result that you are easily able to "fit in with" and be accepted by a wide variety of people; and
18. Nearly always convinced that your intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that you usually regard your own feelings as self-evident facts, even when you cannot support them with any hard evidence -- with the result that, if something FEELS right, you usually are convinced it MUST be right.
 Nori, if most of these behaviors seem to describe you very accurately, I would be glad to discuss the relevant ones with you and point you to good online resources describing the pattern I referred to. If most do not apply, however, please ignore this list.


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

Uptown said:


> Nori, you have such an amazing level of self awareness that, if you do have "something wrong," your chances for learning to manage your issues are very good. Significantly, the behaviors you describe -- the self harm, not having a stable personality, not knowing who you are, and great difficulty attaching to other people -- are some of the classic traits of a well-known pattern of behavior.
> 
> This pattern is common among people, like you, who had emotionally unavailable parents during their early childhood years. The pattern also is common among children and adolescents, like you, who were sexually abused for years. Yet, if you actually do have this pattern of behavior, you likely would find yourself exhibiting most of the following traits at a strong level:
> 
> ...


Oh. My. God. Where did you get that list?

You just described me PERFECTLY. 

Most frightening is my apparent lack of personality. I describe myself as "pretty wallpaper" and I can't think of a better term.

It's not even that I'm "faking" being a different person....I actually become a different person, right down to the point where I can't remember who I was two minutes before. I do tend to become a mirror, UNLESS that person is fundamentally repulsive.

I have histrionic tendencies and I'm not proud of it. I always tell myself I won't do it again because I feel bad after the fact...but inevitably, I do it again.

I suppose my one relief is that I'm not violent. In fact, I'm the opposite of violent to a startling degree-people can hit me and I won't hit back. 

I've been called a sociopath before, by my older brother. He observed my behavior at a funeral once when we were children and it really disturbed him. 

I could not, for the life of me, understand why people were crying. I just didn't get it. This was a well liked uncle...but still, his death was a minor nuisance in my book. It meant one less birthday present. The observer was a half brother, he's dead now....but he was perhaps my favorite person to date. He was convinced I was a sociopathic demon spawn until he saw me with some small children. He said that it was the first genuine emotion he'd ever seen from me. 

I have a difficult time understanding other people's emotions and yet, I flip on a time from being cold and calculating to being impulsive, irrational and unable to control my feelings.

I sleep with a teddy bear....and I'm pushing 21. I don't think that's normal either.

I take comfort in knowing I'm not dangerous....I think.

But studying the law I have come to realize that the people who end up smothering their children or shooting them dead over a boyfriend dumping them..attachment disorder....all across the board. 

I show a number of very disturbing parallels to the people I'm planning to prosecute. But I've never been the jealous type...probably because, to be honest, very few people seem impressive enough to be a reasonable challenge.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

LittleBird said:


> Oh. My. God. Where did you get that list?


Those 18 traits are the classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW suffers from. The list is simply an expanded version of the 9 basic BPD traits listed in the APA's current Diagnostic Manual (DSM-IV). 

Kathy Batesel provides that DSM-IV list, together with an excellent description of typical BPD behavior, at Borderline Personality Disorder and Relationships. Her description also includes a 48-minute video in which 3 BPDers tell their stories, explaining what it is like to struggle with the disorder and to learn how to control it.

Please keep in mind that, if you do have strong BPD traits, you have plenty of company. A recent study of nearly 35,000 American adults found that 6% of the general population has full-blown BPD. Those are the folks whose behavior satisfies 100% of the diagnostic criteria for "having BPD." In addition, perhaps another 3% of the population may have such traits at a strong level (e.g., at 70% or 80% of the diagnostic level). If so, having strong BPD traits is at least as common as being left-handed (i.e., 1 out of 12).


> Most frightening is my apparent lack of personality. I describe myself as "pretty wallpaper" and I can't think of a better term.


The current theory is that, due to a childhood trauma occurring before age 5, a BPDer never receives the validation necessary to form a strong, stable self image. The child never learns, for example, how to integrate the "good" and "bad" aspects of her own personality. This means she never learns to be comfortable with strong mixed feelings and ambiguities -- e.g., she never learns that, if she has a bad thought, it is okay because she is an "essentially good person who occasionally has bad thoughts." Such uncertainty is too uncomfortable for her. So, instead, she will think of herself as either "all good" or "all bad" -- and, if she catches herself having a bad thought, will instantly flip to thinking of herself as "all bad."


> I have been told this is...somehow manipulative of me. An act I put on. I never thought of it that way. I was just trying to adapt to what I view as normal.


Yes, it is an act. But, no, it is not manipulative, IMO. I therefore agree with you. Because a BPDer has only a fragile sense of who she is, she has no strong ego to ground and center her. This is why, from a very early age, a BPDer will figure out (on entering a room) -- by observing other peoples' behavior -- how she should be behaving. She then will act in that manner. 

Granted, as with the general population, there is a portion of BPDers who are very manipulating. My experience, however, is that BPDers as a group are not much more manipulating than other groups. This is not to say that they don't try. Rather, I am just saying that most BPDers are not very good at manipulation. 

To be successful, manipulation usually requires careful planning and flawless execution. In contrast, most BPDers are far too _reactive_ (to whatever they are feeling at the moment) to adhere to a plan even if they take the time to create one. I therefore think of BPDers as being very _controlling_, not manipulative. They are controlling because of their great fear of abandonment.

Because BPDers start acting by age 3 or 4 -- in order to fit in and be loved -- it should not be surprising that they generally are very good actors by the time they reach adulthood. And it should not be surprising that a large share of the professional acting community have strong BPD traits. Indeed, two of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana -- had full-blown BPD (if their biographers are to be believed).


> I have histrionic tendencies and I'm not proud of it.


We all have Histrionic PD traits to some degree. Indeed, we all occasionally exhibit all the traits of every personality disorder (PD). This is why all PDs are said to be "spectrum disorders." BPD traits, for example, are helpful at low levels. They generally arise from the primitive ego defenses we need for survival. They become a problem only when they are so strong and persistent that they undermine our ability to sustain close, long-term relationships. They do that by distorting our perceptions of other people's intentions and motivations. 

The issue, then, is not whether you have BPD traits. Of course you do. We ALL do. Rather, the issue is whether you have most BPD traits at a strong and persistent level.

Moreover, if you do have strong BPD traits, you likely have strong traits of another PD as well (e.g., Histrionic PD, Avoidant PD, or Narcissistic PD). A recent study (pub. 2008) found that most people having full-blown BPD have one or two other PDs too, together with one of the clinical disorders (e.g., anxiety, depression, bipolar, adult ADHD, or PTSD).


> I've been called a sociopath before, by my older brother.


Perhaps so. But that is NOT what you are describing. Sociopaths are very stable people who are incapable of loving others because people are like objects to them. In contrast, you are describing yourself as emotionally _unstable_ and, with young children at least, you are capable of loving. 

Unlike adults, young children likely pose no threat to your two great fears: abandonment and engulfment (from intimacy). Because children are so immature, they cannot make you feel controlled, suffocated, and engulfed when they draw near in intimacy. And because they are so fully reliant on adults, they pose no fear of abandonment.


> I have a difficult time understanding other people's emotions.


BPDers are notorious for lacking empathy. It's not that they don't have any empathy at all but, rather, that they have it only intermittently. Specifically, they have both cognitive empathy (i.e., knowing what others must be thinking) and affective empathy (i.e., feeling what others must be feeling) -- but they cannot maintain either of them consistently because they are too unstable. In contrast, sociopaths and narcissists typically are able to maintain their cognitive empathy all the time -- but they have no affective empathy at any time.


> I sleep with a teddy bear....and I'm pushing 21. I don't think that's normal either.


Actually, that's very normal for BPDers, 70% of whom report that they were abandoned or abused during childhood. It therefore is common for BPDers to try to recreate -- throughout their adult lives -- the childhood they never had. One common way of doing that is to maintain a prized collection of dolls or stuffed animals for decades.

My foster son, for example, was dating a young woman who -- based on his stories about her -- I suspected was a BPDer (i.e., a person having strong BPD traits). When I flew back to their area of the country, I visited the group home in which they were living. On seeing her room, any doubts I had about her being a BPDer disappeared. When I walked into the room, I saw her collection of over a hundred small stuffed animals, all of which were lined up in tidy rows on top of most of the furniture.


> But I've never been the jealous type...probably because, to be honest, very few people seem impressive enough to be a reasonable challenge.


I've met several BPDers online who report that they don't have jealousy even though they fear abandonment. This is very unusual if you do have strong BPD traits because, if one fears abandonment, it seems logical that one would be jealous of any people posing a threat to that abandonment fear. 

My best guess, then, is that the abandonment fear is so great that you preemptively abandon everyone -- thus quickly eliminating the fearful feeling and rendering jealousy unnecessary. But this is only a guess.


> If anyone has any insight, that'd be great.


Nori, I offer several suggestions. First, I suggest you see a clinical psychologist who has a lot of experience in diagnosing and treating BPDers. It is important to obtain a professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. I caution that, with high functioning BPDers, therapists generally are loath to tell the client the name of her disorder (for her own protection). 

There are several good reasons for withholding that information from the BPDer client. If you are interested, I explain those reasons at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-official-im-getting-divorced.html#post811909. Yet, if the therapist determines that you have strong BPD traits, he likely will be very forthcoming with you -- because you have an amazing level of self awareness that is rarely seen in BPD sufferers. 

Second, I suggest that -- while you are waiting for an appointment -- you start participating (or at least lurking) at BPDrecovery.com, which is targeted solely to the self-aware BPDers themselves. All of the members in that forum are self-aware BPDers or they wouldn't be there. Although you will find a hundred of them at that forum, such folks are very rare in the general population. Although I've met numerous BPDers (and was married to one), I've never knowingly met a self-aware BPDer in my personal life.

Third, I suggest you read _Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified_, a book that is popular among the many self-aware BPDers I've communicated with. And, fourth, I suggest you read my description of typical BPDer behavior in Maybe's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you. Take care, Nori.


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

Uptown said:


> Those 18 traits are the classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW suffers from. The list is simply an expanded version of the 9 basic BPD traits listed in the APA's current Diagnostic Manual (DSM-IV).
> 
> Kathy Batesel provides that DSM-IV list, together with an excellent description of typical BPD behavior, at Borderline Personality Disorder and Relationships. Her description also includes a 48-minute video in which 3 BPDers tell their stories, explaining what it is like to struggle with the disorder and to learn how to control it.
> 
> ...


You're...really very smart. Thank you for taking the time to speak with me.

Well, my level of self awareness mostly comes from my law studies. I started to get very unnerved when I could relate...really, really relate...with those bat **** crazy nut jobs who burned their children alive and other such atrocities because "they're mine and I'll do what I want with them." or "My boyfriend was going to leave me."

It's peculiar. Everyone else in my class is baffled and I'm sitting there thinking "That makes total sense."

That's when it started to dawn on me my perception of things was abnormal.

I've also had "close" (casual in my book) friends tell me that I'm acting like a totally different person day to day. I change my style almost obsessively and I'm not great at controlling urges. If I see it and I like it, I buy it. With daddy's money.

The only person who seems clueless is my fiancé. And I can only speculate he is exempt to the majority of my behavior because I attached to him very early, around age 3. I never lash out at him or raise my voice. I'm patient beyond measure when it comes to him, while I find that most people annoy me within minutes. However, I am especially sensitive to his perception of me...I don't mad. Just depressed. I cry a lot, usually when I want something...it's a reflex, I don't force it. It just happens. They are real tears.

He seems to be the exception to my general disdain/indifference. Though I do feel my possession of him is a little...too strong. Like I'm seriously capable of offing someone who tried to take him away from me. Rejection is the one thing that really, really sets me off. I got rejected from one college and I made it a point of applying (and being admitted) for law school JUST so I could write them a nasty, **** off letter when I declined. This is unusual for me...I'm very sweet and mild mannered other than this. Anger is usually a last resort. It's exhausting...I try to be mad but I can't maintain it. Besides, I'm easily distracted by any manner of gift or affection.

The only time in my living memory I have ever been violent is when someone attempted to take one of my stuffed animals. I was around 15 and someone saw them in my dance bag. 

They picked it up and I throttled her to the point where someone had to pry me off. A) Don't ****ing touch my stuffed animals...ever. B) I don't like to be laughed at....one reason I prefer status.

I'll look for a good therapist. And I'll make sure she's brilliant, otherwise it'll just be way too easy to not try.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

LittleBird said:


> That's when it started to dawn on me my perception of things was abnormal.


Nori, all of us get a distorted perception of other peoples' intentions and motions -- all through our adulthood -- whenever we experience intense emotions. When our feelings are strong, our judgment goes out the window. This happens so many hundreds of times that, by the time we are in high school, we all know we can't trust our judgement when we are very angry or very infatuated. That's why we try to wait until we've had a chance to cool down before speaking or taking action. And that's why we try to wait at least a year before buying the engagement ring.

What sets you apart from most other people, then, is NOT that you experience such distorted perceptions. We ALL do that. Rather, what sets you apart is that you do so more frequently, do so more intensely, and have less skill at doing self-soothing (so as to calm yourself down and reduce the intensity of the feeling). You likely also have less skill at controlling your impulses, which means you will be less successful at not talking and not taking action until you have time to cool off. My point, then, is that you differ from other people only in degree, not in kind. You have the same basic set of human feelings and problems -- but you likely have them at a much stronger level due to your difficulty in regulating your emotions.


> I'll look for a good therapist.


Smart decision!


> And I'll make sure she's brilliant, otherwise it'll just be way too easy to not try.


Brilliance is nice. What really counts, however, is _experience_. Lots and lots of experience.


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

bailingout said:


> This is by far one of the best threads I've seen on this forum.
> 
> With a few changes, like adding in a little HPD, APD & NPD I am you Little Bird and thanks to Uptown, I now believe I am also a highly self aware BPDer. I have not been medically diagnosed, I don't need to be now.
> 
> ...


To answer your question, yes I can compartmentalize. Very, very easily.

I could push someone over the side of a boat and then go home and play scrabble with my little cousins.

Not that I ever intend to do such thing but I could. 

And as for therapy, I've always been highly suspicious of people who are paid to pretend they care about you.

Which is pretty much everyone in my entire life.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

BailingOut, I'm happy to hear that you found the BPD information useful. I applaud all of the hard work you've done to learn how to manage your issues, e.g., how to intellectually challenge your intense feelings, how to do self soothing, and how to develop a stronger sense of who you are. You should be very proud of your accomplishments!


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

Uptown said:


> BailingOut, I'm happy to hear that you found the BPD information useful. I applaud all of the hard work you've done to learn how to manage your issues, e.g., how to intellectually challenge your intense feelings, how to do self soothing, and how to develop a stronger sense of who you are. You should be very proud of your accomplishments!


I told my therapist I thought I had this.

She looked at me and then like sighed in relief. 

"Well, at least you know."

I had one therapist tell my parents I was a cold blooded sociopath when I was around 10. I don't even remember what I said to the woman but I never thought of myself as a sociopath. I'm not stable enough.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

LittleBird said:


> I told my therapist I thought I had this. She looked at me and then like sighed in relief. "Well, at least you know."


Nori, therapists generally are loath to tell a high functioning BPDer the name of her disorder. One reason is that nearly every HF BPDer will immediately quit therapy on hearing that information. Another is that insurance rarely covers BPD treatment, so the diagnosis of co-occurring clinical disorders (e.g., depression or anxiety) are the only disorders that will be listed in the "diagnosis." 

A third reason is that, because a BPDer has a weak sense of self, giving her a new identity as "The BPDer" can actually make her behavior worse. She may suddenly start exhibiting all 9 BPD traits instead of just 5 or 6. I mention this to explain why your therapist believed you have strong BPD traits but withheld the information from you -- for your own protection.

There was no way for the therapist to know -- until you told her you suspected having BPD -- that you are one of those very rare people who are self aware while having strong traits. As I said earlier, you are a rare jewel. So rare that I've never knowingly met anyone like you in my private life. Indeed, it was because of your unusual self awareness that I decided to mention BPD to you. It is very rare for me to do that when I suspect someone has strong BPD traits.

Being self aware, however, does not mean you are home free. What remains to be seen is if you also have the _ego strength_ to do something about it. There are numerous excellent treatment programs (e.g., DBT) that will teach you needed skills such as self soothing, how to better manage your emotions, how to trust, and how to intellectually challenge your intense feelings instead of accepting them as reflecting reality. To be willing to locate one of those programs and then stay in it for several years will require both self awareness and ego strength. It seems clear, however, that you are over the biggest hurdle: having self awareness. This is why I said earlier that your prospects are very good for learning how to manage your issues.


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## RBgirl (Feb 3, 2013)

Have you ever looked into Borderline Personality Disorder. I to was abandoned and abused. I am 36 and just finding out that BPD fits me like a glove.


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## bailingout (Jan 25, 2013)

Uptown said:


> BailingOut, I'm happy to hear that you found the BPD information useful. I applaud all of the hard work you've done to learn how to manage your issues, e.g., how to intellectually challenge your intense feelings, how to do self soothing, and how to develop a stronger sense of who you are. You should be very proud of your accomplishments!


Thanks Uptown. The scary thing for me is that the more I discover myself, the more I see in others.  Not a good mix when an SO is not on the same page. I'm beginning to realize how messed up we both were and not sure I can stay with someone who is stuck. I love my SO more than anything, but realizing we will never have the connection that I now believe is possible is causing a struggle. :scratchhead:


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