# Unable to have a baby, & husband wants one



## Lostinlove77 (Jan 22, 2014)

I have been with my husband 15 years and martied 10 out of the 15. I have a son who is 17 from a previous relationship. He knows my husband as his father and never sees his biological father. My husband and I always wanted children. After we got married I went off birth control. We got pregnant right away. Unfortunately it was ectopic(tubal pregnancy). It was devastating. Over the years we tried and got pregnant over and over. We had a total of 4 ectopic and 1 miscarriage. The last ectopic ended with 1 of my tubes removed after rupture. I wanted to give my husband a baby so opted for fertility treatments. We tried IVF and put all money we had into it. At the end no baby, it didnt work. Now it has come apparant that we will never have children together. My husband pulled away from me but we have talked since then and are working on our marriage.The only thing is that he says he loves me and will never leave me and I love him dearly and don't think I could leave him, but he says he may want children. In other words in the future he may want to have an outside child biologically with another woman the old fashioned way. He told me this and asked if I would leave him. No surrogate etc. I don't know if I could deal with that ever. How does our marriage survive this if he ever decides he wants a child since I can't give him one? Do I stay? Do I try and let him see that his decision is a slap in the face to me? Do I allow him what I can't give him?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I can't have anymore children.My husband went into marriage with me knowing this.It would be like a punch to the gut to have him suddenly say he must have a child.

In your situation a surrogate might be the best option. Your egg and his sperm though that way the baby is truly yours together. Some surrogate programs are designed for women who can't produce eggs.But I say if you can produce them,use them.

Sounds to me like he's trying to have sex with another woman under the guise of wanting a baby. If he wants a baby that badly,he can get it via surrogate and not do it by cheating on you.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Sounds to me like he's trying to have sex with another woman under the guise of wanting a baby. If he wants a baby that badly,he can get it via surrogate and not do it by cheating on you.


This was my reaction, too. Perhaps he has a particular woman in mind?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Sounds to me like he's trying to have sex with another woman under the guise of wanting a baby. If he wants a baby that badly,he can get it via surrogate and not do it by cheating on you.


:iagree: If it MUST be biologically yours and his, a surrogate will do the trick. If it's only his genes he wants passed on, he can donate sperm.

If he's determined to do it the 'old fashioned way', then all he's doing is cheating on you.


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## Lostinlove77 (Jan 22, 2014)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I can't have anymore children.My husband went into marriage with me knowing this.It would be like a punch to the gut to have him suddenly say he must have a child.
> 
> In your situation a surrogate might be the best option. Your egg and his sperm though that way the baby is truly yours together. Some surrogate programs are designed for women who can't produce eggs.But I say if you can produce them,use them.
> 
> Sounds to me like he's trying to have sex with another woman under the guise of wanting a baby. If he wants a baby that badly,he can get it via surrogate and not do it by cheating on you.


Thanks for the feedback. When our relationship began he discussed having a big family. We didn't know I would have these problems. We have no more money for a surrogate. I feel stuck because any decision will end in one of us hurt. He says he is not thinking about that now, but it may happen and he wanted me to know. I feel I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. Can anyone else help me?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Lostinlove77 said:


> Thanks for the feedback. When our relationship began he discussed having a big family. We didn't know I would have these problems. We have no more money for a surrogate. I feel stuck because any decision will end in one of us hurt. He says he is not thinking about that now, but it may happen and he wanted me to know. I feel I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. Can anyone else help me?


Ya know what honey, marriage is about loving your partner even when things don't go exactly as fantasized about originally. What if the shoe was on the other foot? What if he was sterile?? Would you want to go bang a dude just to get knocked up? I bet you wouldn't.

If he isn't in this for better or worse,why is he even married in the first place? Not everyone was meant to have children. Not being able to have a baby is tough on a woman mentally...he doesn't even know the half of how insensitive he is being by putting this kind of stress on you.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You ARE waiting for the other shoe to drop.

This is a turning point in your marriage. If he continues to press this, you will be guaranteed a relationship filled with heartbreak. I don't think his ideas of marriage are compatible with yours (or mine).

Again, are you certain that he isn't in the process of 'stepping out'?


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## Microwavelove (Sep 11, 2013)

Lostinlove77 said:


> Thanks for the feedback. When our relationship began he discussed having a big family. We didn't know I would have these problems. We have no more money for a surrogate. I feel stuck because any decision will end in one of us hurt. He says he is not thinking about that now, but *it may happen and he wanted me to know.* I feel I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. Can anyone else help me?


"It may happen?" I don't completely understand what he is saying here. Is he telling you that he may venture outside the marriage to have a baby and is letting you know ahead of time?

I understand his sense of loss, but this is not fair to you. He committed to you. If you had found out through your trying that he was the source of the infertility, would it then be okay for you to sleep with another man in order to get pregnant?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

What decision is going to end up with HIM hurt? I only see decisions that will end up with YOU hurt. The fact you can't have a baby isn't a 'decision'. Sure, it hurts him, but that doesn't mean he can give you notice that he's going to just go have a baby with someone else. This is one of those 'for worse' things he promised to love you through.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I'm sorry... What kind of man would intentionally have a child out of wedlock? IN one decision he f's up the lives of the current child is a father to, his wife, an outside woman and most importantly an innocent child who did not ask to be brought into that chaotic hell.

IF this is the man you are married to, I feel bad for you. I think there are many ways to have a child. He has a child currently which is one way. And adoption is another way. The list goes on.

I do agree that he is probalby having unprotected sex, and using this as a justification for that horrible behavior.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

All I see is selfishness on his part. The 'I'm going to do this regardless of how you feel about it, or if you get hurt' mentality is all over this entire baby discussion IMO.

I can't offer any advice, you probably know your options here. I'm sorry he's putting you through this.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> :iagree: If it MUST be biologically yours and his, a surrogate will do the trick. If it's only his genes he wants passed on, he can donate sperm.
> 
> If he's determined to do it the 'old fashioned way', then all he's doing is cheating on you.


He's either thinking about cheating on you or is already cheating. And make no mistake about it, it doesn't matter why he says this, it's cheating. I suspect he's already got his affair partner picked out if he's not already cheating.

It may be premature but I think you should pm a moderator to move this thread to CWI.

In the meantime follow weightlifters instructions for investigating.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Gosh I am so sorry you have to go through this. I too went through a similar situation with my ex except that I was never able to get pregnant. I am so sorry. It's true about the mental anguish and pain. I wish you all the luck in the world


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## Eagle3 (Dec 4, 2013)

OP, has your husband ever brought this up in the past about his desire to look elsewhere for having a child? I ask because if this is only recent do you think it’s possible he is wanting to give a reason to step out without possible repercussions or wanting to get out of the marriage in general and this is easier for him to express that thought?

If not this is pretty bad for him to act like this to you. He has to know this is a very sensitive topic for couples and could be hurtful to you. How is he with you on the rest of your marriage? Does this seem out of the ordinary. 

My wife had a child as a young teenager which caused a complicated birth that has made us having a child difficult. In fact it’s to the point where it won’t happen. But that is life and you have to accept the hand you are dealt. Now will I ever wonder what it would be like to have a child together? Of course but those are thoughts I will keep to myself. I made a choice to marry my wife to be with her not for her to be a baby maker. 

Keep talking with him and see if there is anything he wants to get out in the open with you.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I'm confused about how he would go about raising this other baby. Would he leave you to be with her so they can parent together? Have every other weekend visits? 
What are his thoughts on adoption or fostering?


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Microwavelove said:


> He committed to you. If you had found out through your trying that he was the source of the infertility, would it then be okay for you to sleep with another man in order to get pregnant?


OP, you should really ask him this. Ask him and don't let him get away without answering. If he says he wouldn't mind, well then that tells you where your relationship stand.

I wouldn't be surprised if he already has somebody pregnant and is setting the stage. But you will know soon enough.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

committed4ever said:


> I wouldn't be surprised if he already has somebody pregnant and is setting the stage. But you will know soon enough.


:iagree:

I know none of this is what you want to hear. Please don't ignore what we're saying because of that. You can't just ignore it - it won't go away. You can pretend he isn't talking about cheating if you like, but all that will do is ensure your future unhappiness.


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