# One step closer to divorce



## Maryjean76 (Jun 16, 2020)

So hubby and I really talked about divorce since the first months we got married, but carried on 24 years. I am 45 now and hubby 48 and today I think it's the last straw. I mean, it's the first time we talk about this so seriously and sort of mutually agreeing like even discussing about going to a lawyer. It's getting unbearable and I am not getting any younger.

We bought a home in Italy and planned staying 6 months here and 6 months in the USA. I planned to be in Italy to be closer to my parents after our dogs have died and we could travel freely.

Most fights are over my parents who are now 83 and 87. He doesn't like that we talk once every day on the phone and the calls are too long (like an hour, hour and a half). It bothers him to hear me on the phone too. If I tell him I will got out to talk, he still doesn't like it

Last week, my dad, 87 years old, signed papers with a door-to-door sales man and he thinks he was victim of a scam. He was very worried. I told him I will call him back after he sorts it out by calling a company to see if they are legit and my husband is angry because I will call him back. I think it's normal to worry about this and be nice to call back even though he lives with my sister and mom.

A few days ago, my parents were coming over and my mom always wants to bring me clothes, gifts for the home etc. but my husband doesn't like it because she brings cheap stuff made in China (that's really all she can afford) and he wants to stop buying that stuff and wants me to dress with quality stuff.

He told me if my mom brings us stuff he will send her back with it or toss it. He told me to tell my mom that we will get offended if she brings stuff. So I told her and reminded her over and over.

Yesterday, there was Harrison's Ford crew filming in the town we are in and I wanted to go see when we went on our evening walk (we don't drive) and he made a scene that I am crazy and fanatic and it's weird that I wanted to see what they were up to.

If I decide to walk and it rains, it's my fault. True story: one day he bumped into a pole andhe was blaming me for not warning him. All walks together are lately about him complaining about something stupid like not getting the bills yet or missing a container for the trash. He says since we are in Italy because of me I need to take care of all of this. Funny thing, in the USA I was also taking care of all of this even though we both worked at home and I worked most of the time.

I am 120 pounds now and if I have little bit of tummy showing he remarks about it. How will he cope when I get older or sick? Once on a phone call to my mom, I told her I got to 123 pounds eating good food and she said it won't look bad on me a little weight and he remarked loudly "noooo, her face is getting fat, it's not good!" He was dead serious, not joking.

I know it's hard to live in Italy, it's a total different life (he lived in Italy for many years since childhood) but I sacrificed 20 years of my life living in the USA with him and not seeing my parents and relatives for so long. I think it's right for me to enjoy my parents for a bit too.

My dad has prostate problems and sometimes doesn't make it to our bathroom in time and my hubby found a few drops of pee on the floor and got pissed on him and I was mortified. I know, it's not nice and my dad could bend down to clean up since he bends down to tie his shoes etc. but i think he got used to my mom cleaning after him. I don't know but it was awful to see my hubby madly cleaning up.

One of our biggest fights was once when my grandma and me were making tomato sauce and my dad remarked to him "why don't you give them a hand?" and he answered "I work my butt off at work already, how much do I need to work?" And my dad was joking about how the Italian army is know for notworking too hard" and my hubby got offended and refused to go join my parents for dinner and lunch every day (we lived with them for 8 months). I don't recall what happened next, but my hubby ended up telling my dad "shut up, or I 'll knock out the rest of the teeth you have'"

My parents were always almost nice over all. They helped us buy a home, always generous but hubby often portrays them as controlling and bad people. Like one day my mom asked us to go to the movie theater with her, and I sad no knowing hubby didn't want to go and she grabbed my arm insisting "common, let's go! It's a nice movie!" Hubby's version instead is "her eyes were red with anger and she was grabbing me and pushing me around and he wanted her to let go of my arm." It's as if he doesn't want to validate their help. and he think they treat me like a child."

Anyhow todays' fight? I don't really understand why we even fought. My parents called, since my dad is having problems with their apartment I told them they could come here when we go to the states. Since my mom is maybe a bit worried about her doing any damage to our place she didn't readily say yes, so to encourage her I told her, "dad can relax here not worrying about the problems in his apartment and in the meanwhile you can water my plants and at least the apartment won't look vacant. " I thought this would encourage her to make herself more useful and at home. Well apparently I was wrong.

Hubby and I had discussed on this before and agreed on this, only that hubby wants me tell them not to come here to water my plants or make the place look not vacant, but that they should come just for vacation to "have fun".

So while I was on the phone he wanted me to repeat that it's for them for vacation they should come here and not to do us favors. So I repeated that. Phone called ended and he kept telling me how I wasn't supposed to tell them to water the plants etc. It may sound like a nice thing, but the more we talked, the more I understand he wanted me to say that so if they broke something or did something stupid like fill our home with cheap stuff, he could blame them. I think it's a matter of power. Something like that as the fight was too long for something minor.

I don't know he just kept on insisting on this matter on and on and I kept telling him "ok, ok, I will fix this and tell them again tomorrow. " but this didn't solve it. He kept on talking and saying I am superficial and just trying to get out of the argument. I have fighting over futile things and wanted to go on our walks for once without fighting. He still wanted to go over it. I don't know why I can no longer stop a fight or try to fix things, it's as if he wants to preach long and nothing I do works to solve the issue.

So we never went for the walk, he said at one point "our relationship isn't working" and I am nodding and saying maybe we should split. I am getting drained, I don't know where he gets this energy to discuss all this stuff. I am just tired and sometimes dream of enjoying my parents into their old age, before it's too late and I'll be left with no parents and an unhappy marriage.

Problem is, my parents are hoarders and I don't feel like living with them. When I lived with them as an adolescent, I got panic attacks and hubby thinks it's because they are overbearing and over protective. When I got married my panic attacks disappeared, I felt in love and strong.

So here it is. I am a tad bit worried about lately all the women being killed or abused when they are planning to leave their hubbies. Are there warning signs prior? I am not sure on what to watch for. He hasn't really ben physical other than once early in the marriage, I was ripping off his necklace and he put his hands on my neck but didn't squeeze, he just "tried to stop me he said. "

Another time, we had a big fight and he gestured to push a table my way, and I told him to please not hurt me and he stopped. All the rest were fights over stuff where he blamed me for not taking care of stuff or leaving things a bit messy.

We are not fighting at the moment, just very cold.

Thanks for listening.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are 120 lbs? How tall are you? I'm just wondering because unless you are very short, 120 lbs it not heavy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Was your relationship this bad before you moved to Italy? 

You say that you are concerned about leaving your husband because you don't want to live with your parents. Do you have a job? Have you ever worked while you were married?


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

I'd love to hear his side of things.....


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

The one thing that jumps out immediately is you spend 90 minutes a day on the phone with your folks. That's not bad in itself. But if on top of that they are always coming over than can be intrusive. Your spouse should be your priority, not your parents.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

It does sound to me like you are still living at home, and very much a daughter. Not a wife.

So go back home to mum and dad.

Or maybe start trying to earn your husband’s approval, not your mothers and father’s. It’s not too late you know.

I knew a woman like you, and her final words to her husband were, ‘they’ll be gone one day amd I don’t want to regret it’. Well the husband gave up and she sure regrets that he’s gone, but her parents are kicking on and almost 90.

Every day for 90 minutes? I’ll bet it’s even more, and there’s more than one phone call.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> It does sound to me like you are still living at home, and very much a daughter. Not a wife.
> 
> So go back home to mum and dad.
> 
> ...


He must have a second job just to pay for the phone charges.


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

So, you don't want to live with your hoarder parents, but you want to bring them to live with you and your husband? Your parents bring their hording ways to you and annoy your husband? You're dad has incontinence issues and doesn't clean up after himself? You spend a significant portion of your time at home talking to your parents (assuming your husband works 8 hours/day, sleeps 8 hours per day, and travel/bathing/etc is another 1.5 hours/day, that is 1.5 out of the remaining 6.5 hours that you have to spend together).

My advice: don't try to rip your husband's necklace off or commit any _other_ acts of violence while telling him you want a divorce.


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