# I Feel I Had No Choice



## dcotlone (Nov 28, 2010)

I've been married for three years now and have three step-children, 26 yr old & 16 yr old girls and 11 yr old boy. The 26 yr old moved out nearly three years ago to live with her fiance'. About seven weeks ago they had a falling out so she moved back home with us. Since being back in our home it's been nothing but trouble b/t my wife and I. She is not that respecful to me in our home and invites my wife to go out drinking with her several nights a week along with cousins. My wifes goes o hang out with her daughter and nieces at the local pubs and it disturbs me greatly. That is on my wife and and I've been trying to talk to her about this. However, a few days ago my wife, step-daughter and I had a bit of a disagreement that lead to my 26 yr old step-daughter cursing me out and calling me names. My wife just stood there and did not say a word. I told my wife that no adult child of hers, mines or anyone elses living in my our home rent-free ot not was going to speak to me and disrespect me in that manner and live in our home. My wife has issues telling her daughters when they are wrong. She just goes along with them. I told her she had to move out of our home but she refused with the support of my wife. While they were away most of that day I packed away her bedroom set, removed the blinds from the bedroom windows, removed the room door from the hinges, removed couch and loveseat cushions and took it all to storage. I also disabled internet access and cable tv. Both returned home that night very upset at what I had done. The next day my 26 yr old step-daughter decided to move out. Now my wife is very unhappy with this and wants to end our marriage. I have filed for divorce but this is not what I want to do. My wife is planning to rent another home for herself, the two younger kids and the 26 yr old to live. I don't get it. She has a good job and makes way more money than my wife but yet she can't stand on her own as a productive adult in society. All she wants to do after work is party and drink with my wife and her cousins. My wife is willing to let her 26 yr old daughter dictate her marriage to be and royally screw things up for the 16 and 11 yr olds. 

Please someone help!


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I am with you on this one.
I can understand your wife not wanting you to discipline her kids that aren't yours, but to allow her child to openly disrespect you show that your wife also has no respect for you.
Stand firm. You have to be first in your wife's life.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

There were dozens of infractions that kept piling up unaddressed until you exploded.

"I've been trying to talk to her about this" means "I just let it continue unaddressed".

I think you thought the whole idea of the daughter coming home was a terrible idea from the get go, but you let her in the house. You should have defined the expectations up front.

Suggest marriage counseling.


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## dcotlone (Nov 28, 2010)

I take no pleasure in the actions I took and I am very hurt that i felt the need to go down that road. Yes NoLongerSad, maybe I did escalate the situation but again, no child of mines nor anyone elses can speak to me in that manner and expect to live under my roof. I've been taking care of her since she was 19 in every way that a father could because when i choose to be with my wife I excepted her kids as did they me and we have had a wonderful family situation up to this point. Somewhere during the last several months the respect level towards me with her seems to have disapated and I don't know why. I've been there for all of them from day one and I still am, despite the current situation. I don't usually let my anger get the best of me that that was too much to take. If not a stand here then I would forever have to except whatever and that i cannot and will not do. However, I am trying to make it work but when you are in it alone you can't go far. thank you all for your responses, as I will consider all that is said.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I'm going to come at this as a parent of 2 kids, with a boyfriend who has stepped in as their father. 

My kids are MY kids. I know they are not perfect, I know they can be wrong, but they are still my kids. And to hear someone else criticize them and tell me what they do wrong, even if that person is right, can irritate the heck out of me. It gives me an urge to defend my child, even if I know my child is wrong, simply because they are my child and this other person shouldn't be saying these things. 

So...when my boyfriend and I began figuring out how to handle our relationship and his relationship with my boys, we both agreed that given how serious we were at that point and how serious we knew we intend to be in the future, that he should have some say in discipline and how they are raised. But still, that urge to defend when he says something comes up. I fight that urge, because I know it's not reasonable for me to tell him he can discipline and then turn around and argue with him every time he does. 

It sounds like that is what your wife is doing. She gets that urge to defend her kids when you criticize them, and she follows that urge. And in this case, you then escalated the situation by removing things and deactivating things.

Now, please understand that I am not saying you are wrong in how you felt. If her daughter was disrespecting you, then you had every right to expect an apology and for her to show you respect in the future. And I don't think you're unreasonable in expecting a 26 yr old that is financially and otherwise capable of living on her own to do so. 

But...this is something you should have gently spoken to Mom about. You should have told Mom privately that you felt hurt/angered/bewildered/left out that she took her daughter's side when her daughter was being disrespectful toward you. You should have asked Mom why she feels her daughter needs to live at home when she is fully capable of living on her own, and then calmly pointed out the arguments against whatever reasons she gave. 

I think the first thing to do right now is to apologize for your role in this mess, and see what happens from there. If she also apologizes for her role, then you guys can maybe get some counseling and work this out. If she doesn't...then you have to consider whether you really want to continue to be married to someone who doesn't seem to care too much about how you feel and what you think.


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## LeahKoenig (Nov 19, 2010)

Your wife is in a unwinnable situation as were you too. She is cornered, her choice is to either side with you and potentially lose her relationship with her daughter and other children or side with her daughter and lose you. 

I understand you felt cornered too and felt you needed to take a HUGE action to even be heard and have your wants considered by your wife. 

That is the issue in a nutshell. What is it for both of you in this marriage that you both feel you need to take such huge and dramatic steps to be heard by the other? There is lack of responsiveness when the emotions are low. I wonder why? 

I agree with "atholk" in his above comments and believe you may want to seek counseling either professional or someone skilled at listening and non judgmental. This pattern of non responsiveness needs to be changed. 

I suspect she may also not want divorce but amping it up to the next level is the pattern in your marriage and you both don't know how to get yourself out of a tough corner. 

Reach out, help her get out of the corner, there is enough blame to go around for everyone so no need to go there, you both are just lacking some tools on how to deal with these high emotional moments and need to learn how to catch them when they are smaller and more manageable. 

This is a very common problem and is definitely surmountable.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I was with you on how you are being treated in your own house until you ratchetted up to defcon4 by removing the door and blinds from the room.

Your response level was off the chart for what was going on.

I am not approving what they are doing. don't misunderstand me.

I agree with others who say you should have approached things privately with your wife and at that point kicked the girl out.

If your wife was not on board at that point, maybe the divorce was coming regardless.

But now? You have made such an obnoxious move that your wife is going to choose her children over you out of maternal reflex--unless you apologize to her.

Yeah, your hind teeth will feel as though you're being electroshocked. 

Even if you were going to kick out the 26-year-old, you should have acted decently about it.

Give her a week to leave, etc.

One of the problems you have is that nobody consider your house to be YOUR house. Everyone there is lined up with your wife. You are the newcomer even if you pay all the bills.

Annoying I am sure.

Note: I don't think you owe the 26-year-old an apology if she is still defiant towards you.

Complicated.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I don't see that you are at fault here. Your wife has allowed an unhappy daughter to draw her into her drama. Don't know if this applys but, she may be envious of your her Moms relationship with you. I can't see that your attempt to tell her what you would not accept in your own home was dicipline. Do you discipline a 26 yo adult? You confronted am adult who was wrong and needed to be told directly. Expecting your wife to mediate would have been weak. You don't seem to be a weak man.

I think you were right to make sure she left by getting her stuff out, it was an act of stregnth from a man who refused to take no for a reasonable request. 

The reaction of your wife was to me foolish. You appear to be a strong good man in every way. She threw away a relationship with a man who provided her children with a home. Given these circumstances, I would be intrested in hearing from other poster. So now what with your wife. 

One fact is clear, her daughter get over her breakup and will meet someone and leave Mom behind with out love and companionship. Can you point out to her in away that will help her to think about what she has done in a way that does not make it an attack but a call to reason? She is being used by her daughter for temporary solace. Four people have paid a heavy price for her problem, and I think it is a poor enchange. I don't think your wife wants the divorce. I hope you will be able to turn this around. I don't think copitulation in any way will work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dcotlone (Nov 28, 2010)

Thanks to all for your comments. I don't really look to who was right or wrong here. My main concern is that the other two kids are crushed by this as we are close and I do regret my actions. However, being cursed out and called vile names by an adult (26) living in my house rent free just pushed me over the edge. Again, I took no pleasure in this and it hurts. Still trying to figure it out so what more can I say.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I would talk to your wife and explain that things have got to change in reguard to how respectfull the children adult or otherwise NEED to be. If she is unreasonable to reason with then let them walk.

Quite honestly your wife is also acting poorly by going out with her daughter numerous time a week to party.....something just dosen't add up there. Dose your wife have a problem with partying too much? You mean she has two younger teenage kids and she still has time to go out. how dose she manage that?

again something dosn't add up.

what about making the 26yr old pay some rent and do some chores then she wouldn't have as much time or money to party so much.

Hell I had to pay rent at 14 and do chores. Now when I got married my parrent gave me my rent back as a wedding present but as I was paying it it tought me how to properly save and manage money and the value of good parents.

although taking the doors off the hinges and removing the blinds seems a little excessive. apolagixe for going overboard but in no uncertins trems that you will not tolerate disrespect and or irresponsibility. who drives when they go out for a few? more than 1 drink an hour will put the vast majority of people over the leagle limit for driving a car.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Do you see that the 26 y/o is just pissed off at her fiance and you happen to get getting that anger transfered to you?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

What I think everyone is missing here is that what he did does NOT call for divorce proceedings. 

A grown woman going out partying and drinking has other issues going on (probably marital issues) and the "door off the hinges" incident is just the straw that broke tge camel's back.

I'd like to hear about the state of the marriage prior to the daughter coming home.


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## dcotlone (Nov 28, 2010)

No problem Chris Taylor. Marriage not perfect but things were good b/t us and we were dealing with normal things that come up in marriages like the two younger kids doing chores around the house, 16 yr old wanting to go out with botfroend until after midnight. My wife and I disagree on that b/c I frowned upon that idea. My wife did go out with 26 yr old daughter, some other nieces the same age as daughter and her two sisters but only once a week or every few weeks or so. During the past few months one sister's husband left, a niece's husband divorced her and got custody of their kid b/c she is more comcerned with going out and getting drunk, step-daughter left fiance' b/c he had the dumb idea of pushing the wedding back to save money. I just got him a job where I work and he felt that they should wait until he has both of them fully insured and money in the bank. Imagine that! I think she used that as an excuse to come back under her mother's wing. They started going out almost four times per week and sometimes staying at her sister's house until the next day and coming home smelling like alcohol. We started arguing more about it and now we are where we're at. Step-daughter always claims she is so sick and wife drops everything (even the younger kids) to give her attention but then they end up out drinking for someone who is so sick. Go figure.

One of my biggest complaints is leaving the younger kids at home and not spending time with them. Oh but she says I'm at home with them. Treu enough the 11 yr and i are very close. I've been with them since he was 4 and it's been all good b/t us. The 16 yr old leans mom's way and no matter how drunk mom comes home and acts a fool she in front of them her mom can do no wrong....What can I say?


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## dcotlone (Nov 28, 2010)

I filed for divorce b/c my wife is leaving me no other options and she wants this too. We dicussed it this morning and she is upset, understandably, that I forced her daughter out of the house. She told me that she is currently looking for a place to move to and include the 26 yr old daughter. I asked her why is she making a decision to leave our home to make a life with her 26 yr old daughter and take all the advantages away from the younger kids? She commented that "her baby is out their on her own." I told her that she is 26 and it's time to let her be independent and stand on her own. She just can't do that so here we are headed for divorce. I just don't get this. She says she loves me so much but.....She is making this decision based on a 26 yr old adult who is more than capable. I told her that i love all of them but that she is crippling the kids by doing this and she is damaging the 26 yr old by treating her like a baby.


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## Anne1 (Nov 19, 2010)

I think it is not appropriate for a wife to go out drinking so often. I have never understood the need to go out with a bunch of women and get drunk. Much rather go with hubby. Don't get me wrong, I know that it is possible to go out now and then and just have fun. However when people drink so much they sometimes loose control and things happen. It sounds like these woman want to be single again to drink and sleep around. Maybe this was just the excuse she needed. Bad thing is it is like an affair, only good when no responsibilities are part of the package. She will propably, after she had enough of partying, come back, apologise and beg to come back. Yes you might have gone overboard with your reaction but one can only take so much and then you loose it, and sounds like you have reached that point. You deserve a wife that will respect you and want to spend time with you. Hope everything works out.


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## amadecasadesesperada (Nov 28, 2010)

Dcotlone, hi.

My comments are based on what I read... and assumptions from it. I am trying to help. First of all, keep your chin up. 
I agree that your wife is out out line partying with her 26th year old daughter. 

What I can imagine is that they have developed a dysfunctional relationship during the time that there was no male figure in their home, before YOU were in the picture. The oldest daughter was probably all the support she had, so their bond is very strong. Their age difference is probably not all that big, right?

Honestly... big issue with patchwork families is that at some point someone (in this case YOU) is dealing the leftover items from other people's problems. Where is the girl's father? Why can't she act like an adult? These are all not your issues, but clearly they are splattering your marriage. Your wife apparently feels she has to choose between the kid and you. 
Don't let that happen.

I would have a serious talk with your wife and tell her that you support her as a mother. That you know that everything she's gone through and that you care for her kids as if they were yours. That you are concerned about the younger kids very much and how hard it would be for them to live without a dad again. That you want to be there for them. 

Perhaps giving her that reassurance would help? I would also have a chat (in private) with the 26th year old and ask her (why she is so selfish with her mother, but don't say that ok?) what she wants her mother's life to be after she is gone with husband and kids. Ask her if she knows what a nice relationship you have with her brother/sisters. And how said it would be for them to grow up like she did, WITHOUT a father. Maybe tell her that you don't want to be her enemy, that you want to be her friend. That perhaps you can't be a dad for her because you can't change her feelings, but that you would like to have a better relationship with her. That this is important to you. 

And importantly: Don't let her know that her mother and you are filing. Don't give her that power. Tell her that you and her mother have had disagreements in the past, but you are here to stay.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Here's the deal. The 26 YO's daddy has probably been outta the picture for a very long time. The mother raised this girl and babied her the entire time. At some point (mid-late teens) they became more like sisters, then mother-daughter. i suspect the daughter always had male issues growing up because of the lack of father. She finally seemed to get a rational guy, and she didnt' know how to deal with that person. Now she finds herself blaming ALL men because of the problems with her fiance. You just happened to be the closest man she could vent on. That's where your new disrespect comes from. My is indeed in the corner, but she feels the need to go with her daughter instead of her husband, probably because she feel as though she's part of the daughter's problem by the way she raised her. Its like she has to see this through till it gets better, and the only way to do this is the live with the daughter.

Sure i think you went a little too extreme, but you had to make some sorta stand or else you would have been a doormat in your own house. If you really want to see this have a chance, see it everyone down at dinner and try to talk it out. You may have to swallow alot of your pride and say some things to humble yourself before them, but perhaps if they see you bending over backwards, they'll recipricate. Good Luck.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Just sounds like an awful lot of drama to be living with. You realize the 16 y/o is going to get pregnant too right?


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## L.M.COYL (Nov 16, 2010)

I wonder if there were other signposts along the way?

I was raised right. My mother and father did not tolerate children getting in between them.

I have inherited their attitude that while married people choose each other, parents do NOT choose their children, it is the luck of the draw and genetics/socialization. Therefore, children should NEVER come between the parents; this is also elementary evolutionary logic. Children have, until very recently, always been secondary in importance, as it should be. No child is as important as an elderly person rotting away in a godforsaken retirement (pre-death, ignoreland home). Those elders have decades of experience and are ignored, yet we focus on young mypoic children bereft of experience, sensibility, compassion and tolerance. 

Again we choose our mates while children are but an added bonus, imo. Our present society is very unhealthy in how we view children as little deities that are to be worshiped and catered to by everyone else, in spite of the fact that it eventually leads to a society full of entitled and selfish citizens screaming for their rights and rejecting notion of responsibility.

So, since it seems as though your wife already views your relationship as secondary to her incredibly immature tendencies to socialize with her daughter as a peer!?!?!?, you should prepare for separation at the very least.

I hope I didn't rant too much but all those baby/child commercials really make me puke and what has happened in you case seems to confirm the reality of our collective deitification of children.
My hopes are with you and take care of yourself.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I agree with L.M. Coyle 100%!!!!!!!! Dead on. We're ALREADY seeing the ramifications from wrapping our whole lives, our whole worlds around children. My SO works with the results of this every day. Spoiled, entitled people who don't understand the meaning of the word responsibility. They want the paycheck, they just don't understand that they have to work to get it. They'd rather text all day. 

I think there is a happy medium to be had between the days of "children should be seen and not heard", and "I live my life for my child". We just haven't gotten there as a society yet.


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## dcotlone (Nov 28, 2010)

Too late. My wife has already told her and they are currently looking for a house to rent. At this point my wife, who is 47 yrs old is more interested in living a life with a capable 26 yr old than with her husband. I love them with all my heart but, she is hell bent on doing things her way. She will refuses to let her daughter stand on her own. Her dad has never been there for her and she has shared hat with me, also I have witnessed it. Therefore, since I met my wife in 2004 I have done so much for the kids and have treated them like they were my own. The two girls used to joke that about changing their last name to mines. I really don't blame daughter for what happened. I think it lies with my wife as a mother.


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## dcotlone (Nov 28, 2010)

Thanks a lot. It sucks though.


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## dcotlone (Nov 28, 2010)

Atholk, you expressed what I have been feeling for quite some time now about the situation with the 16 yr old. That is my biggest worry with her. My wife is a "yes" mom with her.


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## dcotlone (Nov 28, 2010)

Rob774,

Already been down that road and they are sticking to their feelings. Instead of sitting to talk rationally with me they are only interested in telling me that I am wrong and they are right. I have no interests whatsoever in being right in all of this. I only want what's best for my family. I never try to be right, just try to do what's right. You may be correct in most of what you have stated and unfortunately I am the odd man out.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Mmmm...your name wouldn't be Lohan by any chance, would it?
Your wife loved the stability you brought her, but then her "baby" came home, and now wife wants to be a single party girl again, and she is being an enabler to her "baby".
I'd say, let her go with her "baby", and then when "baby" leaves her for a man or something else, or they both are in jail, only then will your wife wake up and grow up.


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## dcotlone (Nov 28, 2010)

They are at it again tonight. Now I am at a point where I need to think about my 11 yr old step-son. Since i filed for divorce the day before Thanksgiving Day we have remained in the same house (without the 26 yr old) but sleep in separate rooms. Wife still mad about 26 yr old being put out so not speaking to me except to complain about something. Today she came home from work at 3:45pm and did not even get out of the car. She picked up the 11 & 16 yr olds and dropped 11 yr old to friends house in our neighborhood and dropped 16 yr old to work but, she has not returned home as of yet. At about 5:30pm I was driving away from home to go to the store ans as I drove away from home I noticed two kids walking towards my house from the other direction. Because it was right at dark I drove around the block to see who it was and it was my 11 yr old step-son and his 11 yr old classmate/neighbor. He told me that he called his mom to come home but she instructed him to get his friend to walk him home instead. Since it was dark out I drove the other kid home and walked him to the door and handed him off to his dad. Now why his dad would let this kid walk another kid home next to dark several streets aover is beyond me. Moreover, why my wife would not call me to go and pick him up instead is also beyond me. Talk about totally unsafe. She can be mad at me about the 26 yr pld but she should still communicare with me concerning the 11 yr old when it comes to things like this. If I had driven away without seeing them he would not have been able to get into the house because he had no key with him. 45 minutes later she called to see if he made it into the house and said that shw was working late. I knew this to be a lie b/c momentes before she called a friend had already called me to say that he saw postings on facebook by the 26 yr old that she and my wife were hanging out drinking with some other folks but the postings did not mention where they were. And I can almost guarantee you that when the 16 yr old gets off work at the movie theatre b/t midnight and 1am that her 16 yr old boyfriend will be the one bringing her home. he does not work there but my wife has allowed this to happen more time than it should. She was too bsy partying with 26 yr old to come and ensure her son was in the house and I'm sure she won't be interupted from partying to pickup 16 yr old so there you have it. I have an idea of what I should do abut this but it will only hurt the kids. I don't want to get back at her through using them and this incident but I must do something.....
Any ideas/advice out there????


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## lemonade (Oct 18, 2010)

dcotlone said:


> They are at it again tonight. Now I am at a point where I need to think about my 11 yr old step-son. Since i filed for divorce the day before Thanksgiving Day we have remained in the same house (without the 26 yr old) but sleep in separate rooms. Wife still mad about 26 yr old being put out so not speaking to me except to complain about something. Today she came home from work at 3:45pm and did not even get out of the car. She picked up the 11 & 16 yr olds and dropped 11 yr old to friends house in our neighborhood and dropped 16 yr old to work but, she has not returned home as of yet. At about 5:30pm I was driving away from home to go to the store ans as I drove away from home I noticed two kids walking towards my house from the other direction. Because it was right at dark I drove around the block to see who it was and it was my 11 yr old step-son and his 11 yr old classmate/neighbor. He told me that he called his mom to come home but she instructed him to get his friend to walk him home instead. Since it was dark out I drove the other kid home and walked him to the door and handed him off to his dad. Now why his dad would let this kid walk another kid home next to dark several streets aover is beyond me. Moreover, why my wife would not call me to go and pick him up instead is also beyond me. Talk about totally unsafe. She can be mad at me about the 26 yr pld but she should still communicare with me concerning the 11 yr old when it comes to things like this. If I had driven away without seeing them he would not have been able to get into the house because he had no key with him. 45 minutes later she called to see if he made it into the house and said that shw was working late. I knew this to be a lie b/c momentes before she called a friend had already called me to say that he saw postings on facebook by the 26 yr old that she and my wife were hanging out drinking with some other folks but the postings did not mention where they were. And I can almost guarantee you that when the 16 yr old gets off work at the movie theatre b/t midnight and 1am that her 16 yr old boyfriend will be the one bringing her home. he does not work there but my wife has allowed this to happen more time than it should. She was too bsy partying with 26 yr old to come and ensure her son was in the house and I'm sure she won't be interupted from partying to pickup 16 yr old so there you have it. I have an idea of what I should do abut this but it will only hurt the kids. I don't want to get back at her through using them and this incident but I must do something.....
> Any ideas/advice out there????


Your wife is acting like a maniac...sorry to say. It's like all of a sudden she wants the life her daughter has-with no responsibilities. I wish there would be a way you could get custody of these children.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

Your wife is a fool. It won't be long until 26yo cusses her, if she hasn't already. She will use her mom until her mom has nothing left to give.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Let your kid walk home at that hour. Sounds like you gave the deep six to "her baby", so she blew off yours.

Also sounds like a case of child endangerment.


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## dcotlone (Nov 28, 2010)

No F-102, the 11 yr old is her kid from a previous marriage. Her attitude at this point is, and I'm going to quote her, "he is 11 so he will get over it." Rather that taking the attitude that the 26 yr old is an adult so make her get over it. Geezzz! You think that that would be the way to go in all of this but not the case.....


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Document everything. Issue for the divorce.

Look into ways to protect those children even if you are not their legal father.

Your wife is a lost cause right now.

But not the children.


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## dcotlone (Nov 28, 2010)

Right michzz and thanks. Can someone out there point me in the right direction on this or should I go the CPS route? Please advise.....


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Talk to your attorney. If you don't have one, get one.


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## dcotlone (Nov 28, 2010)

Got one and waiting to hear from her....


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

You need to man up!!


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## dcotlone (Nov 28, 2010)

Right on point kenmoore14217. Just trying not to hurt kids anymore than they have been so far.


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## dcotlone (Nov 28, 2010)

Just got informed by wife this morning that she received the divorce papers, while at work this past Friday. She went out and got drunk with her 26 yr old daughter, as usual, and her sisters and others. I also over heard them discussing plans for house that her daughter is trying to either lease or purchase for them to move into to. Since the day I put her out of the house she has been a negative influence on my wife. Well, even before she was put out. Now her goal is to get my wife (her mom), 11 & 16 yr olds to live with her. My wife is too caught-up with pride and family telling her what she should do and all. 

I can't help but to look at all of them and see how each of them (6 in total), during this past year have either goten divorced, separated, lost custody of their children, kicked out of their homes, etc...and see how unhappy they are and how my wife is allowing herself to be dragged down with them. They have nothing going for themselves and want to ensure that my wife is right by their side. How sad that her family would rather drag you down than pull you up. It's as if their moral compass has no direction except downward. I have seen how their kids (adult and minor age) have had to struggle and the neglect is off the charts when it comes to these girls partying and drinking. Now I have to sit back and suck it up while my step-kids (11/16) go through this as well. Legally in Texas I have no claim to them and recently learned that there is little chance that I will be able to have visitation with the 11 yr old. He has expressed his feelings to me but won't with his mom b/c she gets all over him for it and tells him to get over it. Ultimately my wife is responsible for her actions and decisions but how sad that it is the kids and myself who have to suffer for it. How Sad!


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I'm beginning to think that maybe you would indeed be better off without them. I just feel sorry for the kids, though.


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## dcotlone (Nov 28, 2010)

Hey Atholk, you were right on about her next move to get me kicked out of the house. Up to this point we've been living under the same roof with no arguments and just tip-toeing around eachother while the divorce goes forward. Well, yesterday I learned that my wife finally retained an attorney to respond to the divorce papers she received from my attorney. Now her attorney is planning to file a TRO (Temp. Restraining Order) to have me removed. I asked her why would she go this route if there has been no issues of abuse, harassment, threats or anything of that nature? She straight-up told me that she wants me gone so that she can move her 26 yr old daughter back into our home. She is claimimg cruelty and/or torture towards her daughter b/c of me forcing her to move out of our home after she disrespected me by cursing me out as well as some other disrespectful things. I told her I am not married to her daughter so I will take my chances in court versus her daughter if this is her argument. 

I could be wrong here but, I just can't see any reasonable court kicking me out of my home in order to let my wife move her 26 yr old adult daughter back in. I am not forcing my wife and her two minor kids to leave the home and if she does it's her choice, not mines.......


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

cotlone,

Get prepared for her to lie.


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## dcotlone (Nov 28, 2010)

It seems that her and her daughter's plans to lease a house together and her daughter purchasing a home of her own has hit a brick wall due to some credit issues on both their behalfs. So now she wants to forget about her demand that I give her $10,000. and half of the furniture and she wants me to leave our home instead. I have several recorded conversations of her and I discussing her demands and also sevarl recordings of her while she was drunk off her ass after stumbling in after 4 in the mornings and saying all sorts of things about this situation. What a wife.....


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## dcotlone (Nov 28, 2010)

Yeah Conrad, it seems that it is heading in that direction. Hopefully the recordings I have will be admitted and will shed some light on the situation to those making the decisions in court.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

dcotlone said:


> Yeah Conrad, it seems that it is heading in that direction. Hopefully the recordings I have will be admitted and will shed some light on the situation to those making the decisions in court.


Talk to an attorney now.

She wants it both ways.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Dcotlone you might want to read Amazon.com: Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself (9780894864025): Melody Beattie: Books


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## dcotlone (Nov 28, 2010)

Conrad said:


> Talk to an attorney now.
> 
> She wants it both ways.


Yes, I sent my attorney an email this morning after I had a conversation with the wife at 9am in which she revealed what her plans are. It all revolves around getting her 26 yr old daughter back into the house. She even told me she would not interfere with my 11 yr old step-son keeping in contact with me if I left voluntarily. Now she is using him in all of this. I love him dearly but this I cannot buckle under for. Damn shame!


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## dcotlone (Nov 28, 2010)

AFEH said:


> Dcotlone you might want to read Amazon.com: Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself (9780894864025): Melody Beattie: Books


Funny thing is AFEH, I'm only trying to control my own well being right now. I could care less at this point about trying to control anyone else and I never have been that way in my marriage....I'll read it anyway though and thanks for the tip.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

dcotlone said:


> Funny thing is AFEH, I'm only trying to control my own well being right now. I could care less at this point about trying to control anyone else and I never have been that way in my marriage....I'll read it anyway though and thanks for the tip.



Way to go. Took my stbx 12 months separation from me to come to the conclusion that I’m a kind, generous man who put himself out for her happiness. And that only came after she’d experienced nearly a year with her family and witnessed the difference between their lifestyle and the lifestyle she had because she was with me.

If you do read the book it’s doubtful you’ll ever get into a similar situation again, not that you’ll need telling, plus you’ll know what it is about you that got you there in the first place.


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## dcotlone (Nov 28, 2010)

AFEH said:


> Way to go. Took my stbx 12 months separation from me to come to the conclusion that I’m a kind, generous man who put himself out for her happiness. And that only came after she’d experienced nearly a year with her family and witnessed the difference between their lifestyle and the lifestyle she had because she was with me.
> 
> If you do read the book it’s doubtful you’ll ever get into a similar situation again, not that you’ll need telling, plus you’ll know what it is about you that got you there in the first place.


Great advise and story. Thanks for sharing....


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Did your wife know about you recording the conversations before she talked? I'll bet her lawyer will play that card. And, try to keep your distance-sounds like she will push you into an argument and start assaulting you, then you physically push her away, then guess who gets dragged out of the house in handcuffs? Like that post said-get ready for her to lie. I have heard of cases where the W will bash her face into a wall to get good and bruised, and you know how that will go.


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## dcotlone (Nov 28, 2010)

F-102 said:


> Did your wife know about you recording the conversations before she talked? I'll bet her lawyer will play that card. And, try to keep your distance-sounds like she will push you into an argument and start assaulting you, then you physically push her away, then guess who gets dragged out of the house in handcuffs? Like that post said-get ready for her to lie. I have heard of cases where the W will bash her face into a wall to get good and bruised, and you know how that will go.


Yes F102, and i have been keeping mu distance. I record everything and write it down as well. I'm not looking to become a friend of Bubba's. Sad situation......


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## dcotlone (Nov 28, 2010)

SteveG said:


> I had a similar situation where my stepdaughter would say rotton things about me, and my wife would agree with my daughter, or would say nothing to defend me. It's F-ing INFURIATING. A sad situation, but nothing as bad as yours. I too would not tolerate being disrespected by my then 21 YO stepdaughter. I like the removing the door off the hinges, this is an old landlord trick (the door needs refinishing) for tenants who haven't paid rent. Can't get away with that these days, LOL. I think the posters on here who have suggested you apologize must have some sort of mental illness. Good luck, you will need it.


Yes I will need it and thanks. Hering date on Jan 6th.....


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