# Can infidelity be coped ? No it can`t.



## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

Can infidelity be coped ? NO IT CAN`T. 

But TAM helps you with fall out.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Of course infidelity can be coped with. If it isn't coped with, it's ignored.

What's your definition of 'coping' then??


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## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Of course infidelity can be coped with. If it isn't coped with, it's ignored.
> 
> What's your definition of 'coping' then??


Infidelity is coped alone.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Infidelity is coped WITH alone. And no, actually, it is not always coped with alone. I'm not coping alone. I have my hubby, my friends and family, my IC, our MC, and all the good people of TAM on my side  If you're coping alone, it's by choice.


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## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

I am speaking from the side of betrayed. 

If the betrayed is half ass decent, psychologically healthy, reasonable,.... a regular human being,... for them, there is no way to forget what they been put through..... Long term..... I don`t see any long term here.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Read my story.


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## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

I`ll put It very blatantly.

A d*ck in a possy is very hard to swallow by a betrayed spouse. No matter how hard we try. It is a d*ck in a possy.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

Well you can't swallow if it's in your pu$$y...


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## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Read my story.


I will.


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## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

Robsia said:


> Well you can't swallow if it's in your pu$$y...


Well I`ll think about It....... Hey... I still feel sick, is it normal?


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

SweetAndSour said:


> Well I`ll think about It....... Hey... I still feel sick, is it normal?


What's your story?


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

SweetAndSour said:


> I am speaking from the side of betrayed.
> 
> If the betrayed is half ass decent, psychologically healthy, reasonable,.... a regular human being,... for them, there is no way to forget what they been put through..... Long term..... I don`t see any long term here.


Sorry for your heartbreak sweetandsour.

Every couple is different, many relationships don't survive infidelity but many do survive and some even thrive. There is every kind of story here on TAM. 

Theres lots of experienced and helpful people here who will support you.

Do you want to vent or do you need help?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think 'coping with' just means 'handling.' People can do this by divorcing, reconciling, getting sad, going dark, etc. As long as they are still breathing, they are 'coping.'


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Not all stories are alike. Some get over it. Others carry it to the grave. I prefer to bury it.


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## FLGator (Mar 26, 2013)

I bottle it up. Deep down, I know one day I will just explode or walk away, move to Mexico, and just fish for a living. Starting to have the thoughts now that waiting until kids are grown more is my best bet. 

It sucks. Feel your pain.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

Coping doesn't mean condoning or agreeing with what is happening. It means handling, maintaining, taking care of yourself. You have to cope to keep yourself healthy and sane and not let yourself be taken advantage of, any more than you already have.

During the days of my H's first cyber affair my boys were 3 and 10 and I had to cope daily to be able to take care of them. My WH asked me once why I was acting so normal while he was pretty much leaving me in limbo as he didn't know if he was staying. I told him I HAD to pretend things were normal or I would lose it and not be able to function with our sons. He was in such a fog I don't think he really understood, or appreciated at the time, what it took for me to be able to do this


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## FLGator (Mar 26, 2013)

I think "fog" is a bunch of bull. An excuse. A failed attempt at rationalization not on the betrayer, but in the betrayed that helps them through. I think it is a crutch. A crutch to make the betrayed just feel better about the situation because they can't comprehend they got involved with a person who was a fake to begin with. Nobody wants to believe they had such bad judgement getting with someone like that in the first place. 

That, or I am just in a mood about it all and talking sideways. 

Sorry, end rant, end thread jack.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

FLGator said:


> I think "fog" is a bunch of bull. An excuse. A failed attempt at rationalization not on the betrayer, but in the betrayed that helps them through. I think it is a crutch. A crutch to make the betrayed just feel better about the situation because they can't comprehend they got involved with a person who was a fake to begin with. Nobody wants to believe they had such bad judgement getting with someone like that in the first place.
> 
> That, or I am just in a mood about it all and talking sideways.
> 
> Sorry, end rant, end thread jack.


"Fog' is a word we BSs gave it , not the WSs. I was not giving him a pass for this condition, he created the 'fog' or whatever you want to call it himself, but he was not even aware of it. He truly believed, or made himself believe, all the stuff he was telling me, I think. When his cyber affair started he had to tell himself he was lonely, unhappy, unfulfilled etc. to rationalize what he was embarking on with the OW. 

He told her I was not happy to see him at the end of the day, so she told him what he wanted to hear, that SHE would cherish him and welcome him home with open arms etc. 

The truth was he was a bear at the end of the day and came in the house practically growling, yelling at the kids for some little infraction like leaving a bike on the lawn or something. He would eat the dinner I cooked after taking care of our children and the day care kids I watched all day and then go sit in front of the TV or, later, the computer. 

It WAS BS, but it wasn't really premeditated BS, he pretty much talked himself into believing it all to make himself feel better for what he was doing.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

No, they usually don't.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

FLGator said:


> I bottle it up. Deep down, I know one day I will just explode or walk away, move to Mexico, and just fish for a living. Starting to have the thoughts now that waiting until kids are grown more is my best bet.
> 
> It sucks. Feel your pain.


Hear you loud and clear, how f**ked up is being cheated on? and as for you Robsia that was a very....hmmm....interesting observation....gulp!


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

We all cope in different ways, for me my work is very physically demanding and I put a lot more into it working out the anger, and after the anger was wore away I was in a better place to begin to reconcile with my wife, but once bitten twice shy, got my eye on her and will never take my eye off the ball, you loose the game that way!!!

If there is one thing I learned from my life, it has to be that no matter how much you want something, if someone else is involved they have to want it too


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## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

wranglerman said:


> We all cope in different ways, for me my work is very physically demanding and I put a lot more into it working out the anger, and after the anger was wore away I was in a better place to begin to reconcile with my wife, but once bitten twice shy, got my eye on her and will never take my eye off the ball, you loose the game that way!!!
> 
> If there is one thing I learned from my life, it has to be that no matter how much you want something, if someone else is involved they have to want it too


Never taking your eye off the ball, another price to pay. I could put my WW on lockdown, but told her the truth... I have no more desire to be a warden than she does to be an inmate. It's just too exhausting, erodes any sense of light, playful affection.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

never speak in absolutes


oh wait


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

SweetAndSour said:


> Can infidelity be coped ? NO IT CAN`T.
> 
> But TAM helps you with fall out.


Of course it can be coped with. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

sweetandsour- i am going to be very blunt - I ate the XOM's junk that he left in my wife on several occasions. And no I did not know at the time and believe me this is one of the biggest issues I am having right now. That was how bad my wife was, she would have sex with the XOM and then come home and have sex with me and got off that way. If I think about it too much I really do just want to pack up and leave. I have brought this up to my wife several times and in anger. Right now it is pis*ing me off more as I think about it.

In some ways we do cope alone as our thoughts are our thoughts and no one can get that far into our head and read them. Our pain is ours, etc, etc. But my wife does help, as do friends, relatives and folks here on TAM with coping. Though there are times I feel like I am alone the reality is I am not alone in coping with the aftermath of the A's. 

Infidelity can be coped. Whether we R or D the process stinks and as I have read most of your posts you know this. The question I would ask is can you stay in a M where infidelity has cause you so much anguish? That is what you seem to be dealing with in your posts. 

Whether you realize it or not, you are coping. It may not be the best way, heck I drank, it was one of my ways of coping, but it was not a good coping skill.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Brokenshadow said:


> Never taking your eye off the ball, another price to pay. I could put my WW on lockdown, but told her the truth... I have no more desire to be a warden than she does to be an inmate. It's just too exhausting, erodes any sense of light, playful affection.


I mean as in the sense that I have made a conscious decision where by I will maintain my emotional stability to a point where her next endeavor whether it be EA/PA, then no tears or breaking down just the door and get out, seems selfish to hold back and to not fully commit to reconciliation but as has already been pointed out to me, just because it was an EA with a guy across the channel it does not mean to say that there will not be a PA much closer to home now that the boundaries have been crossed, I think the term "if anything you're still in the hot seat" was used to describe the time frame we are in.

This is my way of coping, work hard and stay focused on the bigger picture.

We all cope, just differently, I saw my sister cry for months on end when her husband cheated on her with their next door neighbor, I saw it because she moved into my house to get away from the ridiculous situation she was in, I watched my sister-in-law have a mental breakdown after she found out about my brothers exploits with numerous women around their town as a local builder, so seen it and having now experienced it I never want to be vulnerable again.

Yes you can all say it loudly, selfish barsteward :rofl:


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

PamJ said:


> "Fog' is a word we BSs gave it , not the WSs. I was not giving him a pass for this condition, he created the 'fog' or whatever you want to call it himself, but he was not even aware of it. He truly believed, or made himself believe, all the stuff he was telling me, I think. When his cyber affair started he had to tell himself he was lonely, unhappy, unfulfilled etc. to rationalize what he was embarking on with the OW.
> 
> He told her I was not happy to see him at the end of the day, so she told him what he wanted to hear, that SHE would cherish him and welcome him home with open arms etc.
> 
> ...


That is the definition of 'fog', self brainwashing with lies.. they need to believe the lies to justify the horrible behavior. Once they are caught, and exposed, they can go two ways.. continue to lie to themselves (and others), or realize they were fooling themselves and stop the lies... Fog is just a fancy term for bullcrap...


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

FLGator said:


> I think "fog" is a bunch of bull. An excuse. A failed attempt at rationalization not on the betrayer, but in the betrayed that helps them through. I think it is a crutch. A crutch to make the betrayed just feel better about the situation because they can't comprehend they got involved with a person who was a fake to begin with. Nobody wants to believe they had such bad judgement getting with someone like that in the first place.
> 
> That, or I am just in a mood about it all and talking sideways.
> 
> Sorry, end rant, end thread jack.


No, I agree. The "fog" is one of the biggest scams in adultery, imo. All the "fog" is, is selfishness, cruelty and deception. It's not some condition, ffs.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If you really think the 'fog' is an excuse, then you really don't understand what the term was coined for in the first place.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> sweetandsour- i am going to be very blunt - I ate the XOM's junk that he left in my wife on several occasions. And no I did not know at the time and believe me this is one of the biggest issues I am having right now. That was how bad my wife was, she would have sex with the XOM and then come home and have sex with me and got off that way. If I think about it too much I really do just want to pack up and leave. I have brought this up to my wife several times and in anger. Right now it is pis*ing me off more as I think about it.
> 
> In some ways we do cope alone as our thoughts are our thoughts and no one can get that far into our head and read them. Our pain is ours, etc, etc. But my wife does help, as do friends, relatives and folks here on TAM with coping. Though there are times I feel like I am alone the reality is I am not alone in coping with the aftermath of the A's.
> 
> ...


What does your wife say when you express anger at this particularly horrid act? I mean damn...how do you keep your **** together when it comes to that? Brutal, son. I feel awful for you.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

michzz said:


> That disgusting thing happened to me too, more times than I really like contemplating.
> 
> My wife's excuse?
> 
> ...


Wow. And congrats on your pending divorce!


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## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

I started this thread last night when I was very dunk.

I am sorry to put you all through my rambling.

I am not going to delete this thread after the response this thread has got. I`ll be back when I`m sober.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Healer said:


> What does your wife say when you express anger at this particularly horrid act? I mean damn...how do you keep your **** together when it comes to that? Brutal, son. I feel awful for you.


She will say that she is sorry. She puts her head down and says that she is sorry. Last night and this morning she was feeling almost suicidal and we talked. She feels disgusted with herself for all the pain she has put me through and the things she has done.

How do I keep my sh** together? Day by day, sometimes hour by hour. This is the first I have shared this. It is more than disgusting.

I only shared this because I know what the OP is going through and it stinks to get beyond it all and I have found out a lot about what my wife did and I am giving R a go.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

SweetAndSour said:


> I started this thread last night when I was very dunk.
> 
> I am sorry to put you all through my rambling.
> 
> I am not going to delete this thread after the response this thread has got. I`ll be back when I`m sober.


Been there my friend. Drinking does not really help in the end. Gets you through some days but makes you do some stupid things. Just watch the drinking.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> Been there my friend. Drinking does not really help in the end. Gets you through some days but makes you do some stupid things. Just watch the drinking.


Yes. Sometimes it gets too much for me and I hit the vodka. Not often, but often enough. And guess what - the problems are still there in the morning, except now I feel hideously hungover.


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