# after divorce....staying on TAM....Why?



## Cooper

I have been on TAM for probably six years now even though my divorce was over quickly. I started in the Coping with Infidelity section and worked my way thru other forums as the divorce progressed and the healing began. 

Yet here it is six years later and I still check out TAM almost every day, though the pain of the divorce is long behind me and my life is in a really good and comfortable place right now, (but certainly not perfect). I occasionally post a question and sometimes answer questions and share my experiences to help others but for the most part I just read the forums. Truthfully I feel a bit guilty at times, it's almost like I stick around for entertainment, like staring at a car wreck. 

But also I feel a shared connection to the life events that bring us all here, many posters have been on here for as long as I have and I enjoy reading about there journeys and seeing the wisdom they offer to others. TAM was incredibly helpful and supportive as I worked thru my divorce, honestly I feel a bond and a loyalty to those on this site. It's almost like a cyber family that I want to stay connected with (is that pathetic sounding?) 

So for others that have been on TAM for "a while" what keeps you coming back?


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## whitehawk

14 mths for me and l wonder why too, only because of why l came here in the first place.
And because of why l came here l think it will be best if l go when l do go . But l'll never forget the people here and the help this place and it's people was for me and others .


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## unsure78

I have made some good friends here actually... and always enjoy the outside perspective with people who will give you some 2x4 if you need it....


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## EnjoliWoman

I think it's comforting to know you aren't alone. That other people are going through some of the same things you did. If you answer then perhaps you like to help people who have been in your shoes. It seems there are sections for every stage of a relationship so why not?


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## Jellybeans

Because the Divorced Crew has some of the funnest times at TAM.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Realistic perspective on relationships, also realistic perspective on what happened to me in my marriage (easier not to take the abuse, exploitation and cheating personally...seems to be human nature.) Also, I like reading other people's perspectives on relationships, dating, what some of the expectations are in marriage, and a look inside other people's married lives, pretty much studying up for better relationship prospect/s.


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## unsure78

Jellybeans said:


> Because the Divorced Crew has some of the funnest times at TAM.


WORD Jelly :smthumbup:


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## vi_bride04

TAM is therapy for me. It really helps me to work through my stuff reading other people's stories as well as giving advice from my experiences. 

And if I can help even one woman leave an abusive relationship, I want to try. No one deserves that type of life.


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## ne9907

I discovered TAM in July of last year, I find it very therapeutic.

Plus I love all the people I have met.


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## Jellybeans

unsure78 said:


> WORD Jelly :smthumbup:


(and I forgot to add, some of the best RACKS...not nordstrom's).

Hahahahahaha


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## unsure78

Jellybeans said:


> (and I forgot to add, some of the best RACKS...not nordstrom's).
> 
> Hahahahahaha


hahahahahaha... did i tell you guys i actually sent nsweet an a$$ pic (nothing really bad i was wearing jeans) just cause i was tired of him telling me if you are not from the south you dont have an a$$......

lol i got that I had a "personal trainer" quality....lol i told him:smthumbup:


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## Jellybeans

Haha so THAT is why Nsweet seemed to have disappeared for a bit lately... he was too busy staring at your bum! 

hahahaha


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## unsure78

Jellybeans said:


> Haha so THAT is why Nsweet seemed to have disappeared for a bit lately... he was too busy staring at your bum!
> 
> hahahaha


:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## 3Xnocharm

vi_bride04 said:


> *TAM is therapy for me. It really helps me to work through my stuff reading other people's stories as well as giving advice from my experiences. *
> 
> And if I can help even one woman leave an abusive relationship, I want to try. No one deserves that type of life.


This is why I am still here, too. I like trying to help others, I have been through a lot and hopefully someone can benefit from my experiences. TAM was a lifesaver for me during and after my divorce. And I feel among friends here.


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## Wolf1974

Cooper said:


> I have been on TAM for probably six years now even though my divorce was over quickly. I started in the Coping with Infidelity section and worked my way thru other forums as the divorce progressed and the healing began.
> 
> Yet here it is six years later and I still check out TAM almost every day, though the pain of the divorce is long behind me and my life is in a really good and comfortable place right now, (but certainly not perfect). I occasionally post a question and sometimes answer questions and share my experiences to help others but for the most part I just read the forums. Truthfully I feel a bit guilty at times, it's almost like I stick around for entertainment, like staring at a car wreck.
> 
> But also I feel a shared connection to the life events that bring us all here, many posters have been on here for as long as I have and I enjoy reading about there journeys and seeing the wisdom they offer to others. TAM was incredibly helpful and supportive as I worked thru my divorce, honestly I feel a bond and a loyalty to those on this site. It's almost like a cyber family that I want to stay connected with (is that pathetic sounding?)
> 
> So for others that have been on TAM for "a while" what keeps you coming back?


I think in the beginning I came here after my wife's affair because I was lost hurting and confused. Years later I am also in a great place and moved on well. I have navigated becoming a single parent, dating again, and a new relationship. I came here the student for sure. Recently I decided I had something to share and maybe support others who were once lost like me. Call it paying it forward or whatever but I have gone from lurker to member/supporter and intend on sticking around to try and offer any advice I can. If it helps even one person like it helped me then totally worth it.


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## Cooper

Dang, sending racy photos to each other must be part of the healing process I missed!

Thinking this question thru another thing that keeps me coming back is the ability to be anonymous on this forum. I have asked questions about topics that frankly I don't want friends or family to even know about so as to avoid gossip or embarrassment. 

So...about those pictures


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## doubletrouble

I've been on this board since about this time last year, although I didn't sign up till April. Took a while to find it, looking for advice on how to deal with finding out about fWW's PA. But since then, I've stayed on because I've gotten a lot of good ideas, firmed up a lot of ideas I had that were previously rather nebulous in my mind, and made some cyber friends along the way. 

Seems if we were just a collection of brains, we'd all get along better. But then again, I tend to shy away from the politics and religion threads.


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## unsure78

Cooper said:


> Dang, sending racy photos to each other must be part of the healing process I missed!
> 
> Thinking this question thru another thing that keeps me coming back is the ability to be anonymous on this forum. I have asked questions about topics that frankly I don't want friends or family to even know about so as to avoid gossip or embarrassment.
> 
> So...about those pictures


Hahaha... it wasnt racy... could have seen it walking down the street

You are welcome to come join the fun in the singles thread
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whitehawk

3Xnocharm said:


> This is why I am still here, too. I like trying to help others, I have been through a lot and hopefully someone can benefit from my experiences. TAM was a lifesaver for me during and after my divorce. And I feel among friends here.




Well, l'm still getting you and ne mixed up , now l'm not sure who's pic it was l liked - on nooo :rofl:


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## Oldrandwisr

I found TAM while surfing the web for advice on a particular problem I had been mulling over for years...yeah, I overthink to a fault. The people here are intelligent and can read between the lines. Within two months, tammers got my thinking straightened out. 

There is a side to it that is light, when we need the respite from our problems. The friendships are genuine. 

The fact that people have stayed with TAM so long is what gave me confidence to go through with creating a user name and actually posting for the first time online in any forum.


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## Honeystly

It's been over two years for me. I think TAM gave me a good timeline for healing, answered my questions and made me feel like I wasn't alone. It still does that. When everyone thinks you should be over it, folks here know about the two steps forward, one step back. It's comforting. It's also comforting in a way to know that you were where people are now and #1 you're not there anymore-you see how you healed #2 others know just how it feels. 
It's good to know that good people can have ****ty marriages.


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## Shooboomafoo

I often post on here and then delete it, because I feel like because I've been on this forum for 3 years plus, that I should have seen more improvement, and I worry people are tired of hearing the same old things. 
Evidenced by a lack of responses... makes me feel like all I did was post a pity party for myself and that people think all I want is attention or sympathy. So I delete it, however the lack of being able to express it in light of those fears is discouraging.


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## Hoosier

I looked up this thread only because you posted Shoo. You need not worry how long of a process it is for you. We all understand that infidelity is a S**t deal, that it takes different things from everyone differently. I myself would have no problem with someone taking a long time. My problem is the person who logs on, asks for advice, then refuses to use any of it. Come back, post as often as you need/like, no judgement here!


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## Lon

Shooboomafoo said:


> I often post on here and then delete it, because I feel like because I've been on this forum for 3 years plus, that I should have seen more improvement, and I worry people are tired of hearing the same old things.
> Evidenced by a lack of responses... makes me feel like all I did was post a pity party for myself and that people think all I want is attention or sympathy. So I delete it, however the lack of being able to express it in light of those fears is discouraging.


Hey Shoo my friend, nobody is sick of hearing the same things over and over... this place is rife with it. Nor would anyone (well, most) ever judge you for not following some random timeline of healing. If you want to share your thoughts or ask advice, there are some of us that will listen or share our thoughts back to you, just gotta ignore the stuff that you choose to not pertain to you.

I haven't participated in many new threads on here, once in awhile I look to see what else is new (that is how I got on this thread), mostly just keep up with the old ones. I enjoy seeing how many of the people that went through similar things and I have healed, and learned. I like this place.


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## Shooboomafoo

Hey, I'm glad you guys said so. Thanks for the longsuffering ear!
I still come on here to read, and see how other people are doing. I'm still working on getting past it all. It does seem to be getting better for me. I don't dwell, and have tried to forgive and get past it, but resentments resurface now and again. Events such as her remarriage recently didn't bother me at all, but I am still worried about where she might move to, and how that will affect visits with the kid for me.


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## Lon

*Re: Re: after divorce....staying on TAM....Why?*



Shooboomafoo said:


> Hey, I'm glad you guys said so. Thanks for the longsuffering ear!
> I still come on here to read, and see how other people are doing. I'm still working on getting past it all. It does seem to be getting better for me. I don't dwell, and have tried to forgive and get past it, but resentments resurface now and again. Events such as her remarriage recently didn't bother me at all, but I am still worried about where she might move to, and how that will affect visits with the kid for me.


I understand the anxiety about her moving the kids away. But I thought you had shared custody? If so do you not have any clause about moving? If you are a custodial parent she cannot simply move them away from you without your consent, this is why it is really important to fight for custody when separating.


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## Shooboomafoo

We have the 50/50 joint with her as primary, and there are stipulations regarding moving from the current school district of which neither of us are supposed to move from. She's not interested in rules though, and will proceed in whatever she wants to do even if it requires an attempt at modification of the decree. Good thing is, the situation as it is has been the way it is and working well for more than 2 years now, and it would be hard to justify upsetting the situation. She would have to pursue it thru a modification of the decree... This idea of moving away, was told to me by my D12, so it was a reveal of a possible future intention, but nothing solid. 
I don't like this particular part of my life being "unsettled".


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## Lon

Shoo, do not let your ex take them away (you have two daughters right?).

Settle the issue in your mind, it's not your daughter's job to decide which part of the country she wants to live in, that's your role.


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## Shooboomafoo

I only have the one D12. She is doing good right now, and literally says she has no unresolved feelings about our divorce or how the living situation is. 
I believe I am protected by the decree from the ex moving too far away. Ive reviewed the language and it states to stay within the current school district. 
If I have to go back to court, then so be it. No judge will arbitrarily upset a situation that is going well in the best interests of the kiddo. Plus I do have joint custody, and will not have my visitation altered. Too little information to know for sure right now so I may have blown all this out of proportion, but it is good to be prepared.


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## Lon

If you have custody, then your time with your daughter isn't visitation, it is custody.

I am glad you have legal protection from her not being able to remove your child from the school zone. She is free to move to anywhere she wants, she just can't take your daughter with her. But it may mean you have to exercise your right if she gets pushy (which they seem to often feel entitled to).

Anyways hope everything else is going good for you.


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## EnjoliWoman

Lon said:


> If you have custody, then your time with your daughter isn't visitation, it is custody.


*nods*

I'm sure you'll do fine if it comes to that. Most courts focus on the child and it's pretty simple to point out that the kid has been through enough without being moved to a new school for no good reason. I'm sure you'd be happy to be the primary parent. 

Be prepared but no need worrying yet. Lots of people go through the 'what ifs'.


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## Chuck71

Good question......I came aboard right before the holidays '12. There were similar

posters who also started at this time. My trial by fire was the quickest and easiest.

No kids in mine. I did not miss her. Just missed who she was. In hindsight, I 

missed that person even while we were still M. I made it through the fire "too easy."

Was able to laugh at her new guy, her swirl as she sank into the drain. And was 

amused when she returned for a possible R around a year after the D. May be I

was checked out before I knew I was. But it is therapy to help others who are in

the same boat I was at one time. If you read enough into other's stories, you learn

a lot. I would like to feel I made connections with some, which will extend past TAM.


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## Cooper

This is the OP....surprised to see this thread come back around.

Shoo made a comment about writing a post or comment and then deleting it, man can I relate to that! I think just to have the outlet of TAM is huge for me, not just related to my post divorce life but my life in general. It's very therapeutic to write your thoughts and concerns out, and sometimes that's all you need, write it out, re read a couple of times, hit delete, go about your day. By writing but not posting TAM is like a therapist who simply listens and lets you spill your thoughts, and when you really need feed back all you have to do is hit enter, and someone is alway there. And it's free to boot! 

I think TAM is a good thing in my life.


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## LongWalk

Nice people making interesting observations about life. Sharing something of themselves. It is always amazing to read some post and feel that the truth, perhaps not the objective truth, but emotional reality is screaming at the universe.


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## Freak On a Leash

I started posting here just before my marriage totally fell apart. It was never a great marriage but it got a little better for awhile and then imploded. TAM helped me get through a lot of it. Made me feel like I wasn't alone. 

Then I separated and got a lot of great advice about what to do, how to deal with it. Those who had gotten through separation and then divorce and went on to rebuild their lives gave me hope. Those who were going through what I was going through gave me camaraderie and fellowship. 

Now I'm on the other side of the bridge..., divorced, much happier and loving life for the first time in years. So now I guess I feel like I should give back.."Pay it Forward". I'm here as a symbol to those who are going through the misery of a failed marriage and divorce that there IS a good life to be lived after you get that paper with the gold seal on it. . It can be awesome to be single again. Better to be alone and divorced then married and lonely. 

Plus, I just like you people. :smthumbup:


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## Chuck71

Freak On a Leash said:


> I started posting here just before my marriage totally fell apart. It was never a great marriage but it got a little better for awhile and then imploded. TAM helped me get through a lot of it. Made me feel like I wasn't alone.
> 
> Then I separated and got a lot of great advice about what to do, how to deal with it. Those who had gotten through separation and then divorce and went on to rebuild their lives gave me hope. Those who were going through what I was going through gave me camaraderie and fellowship.
> 
> Now I'm on the other side of the bridge..., divorced, much happier and loving life for the first time in years. So now I guess I feel like I should give back.."Pay it Forward". I'm here as a symbol to those who are going through the misery of a failed marriage and divorce that there IS a good life to be lived after you get that paper with the gold seal on it. . It can be awesome to be single again. Better to be alone and divorced then married and lonely.
> 
> Plus, I just like you people. :smthumbup:


and we learned you liked hair bands! There is one Ratt video

had a gal in it, remind me of you...

RATT Back For More official music video HQ - YouTube


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## Freak On a Leash

Chuck71 said:


> and we learned you liked hair bands! There is one Ratt video
> 
> had a gal in it, remind me of you...
> 
> RATT Back For More official music video HQ - YouTube


:rofl::lol: Hair bands? Uh..no. I'm no simpering big haired bimbo. Maybe I was back in 1985 when that video was shot and I was stupid enough to throw my life away and get married to an idiot but not now. 

Let us step into the Here and Now..the 21st Century. THIS is the music I listen to and the gal I can relate to :smthumbup:

Halestorm - Freak Like Me [Official Video] - YouTube

As for "Hair" bands. I never liked that music back in the '80s. I was more Punk/New Wave. 

Now HERE is a "Hair Band" that I love:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jRGrNDV2mKc


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## Chuck71

:rofl: it was attitude of the video, not the intent or outcome

:banghead: most girls back then who liked metal bands were

of two groups, the bimbos and the deep, introspective girls.

Most "normal girls" hated those girls, they felt it was only

proper in these parts "South" to listen to Duran Duran, 

George Michael, or Debbie Gibson. We all know the end game

for the bimbos but the deep gals....were mysterious. Smart, 

savvy, edgy, left a lot to the guy's imagination....which turned 

guys on more. I got along with anyone back in high school and 

calibrated thru different cliques each semester but... those gals

were a mainstay....they had beauty and a brain


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## Freak On a Leash

Sorry but that video didn't put women in a great light. At least not from this woman's point of view. I didn't listen to Duran Duran, Debbie Gibson and George Michael. uke: I listened to the Ramones, Simple Minds, R.E.M, the Talking Heads and Echo and the Bunnymen...and a bunch of other stuff along those lines. 

Then I got into '90s Grunge..Nirvana, Stone Temple Pilots, The Offspring, etc

Now I'm more "metal"...Avenged Sevenfold, Shinedown, Halestorm, Korn, Three Days Grace. My music tastes tend to move through time along with me. 

I guess if I have to go back in time I can relate to someone like this lady:

Joan Jett - I Hate Myself For Loving You [ Original HQ ] - YouTube

I get it though. You meant it is a compliment so it's cool. :smthumbup:


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## Chuck71

Freak On a Leash said:


> Sorry but that video didn't put women in a great light. At least not from this woman's point of view. I didn't listen to Duran Duran, Debbie Gibson and George Michael. uke: I listened to the Ramones, Simple Minds, R.E.M, the Talking Heads and Echo and the Bunnymen...and a bunch of other stuff along those lines.
> 
> Then I got into '90s Grunge..Nirvana, Stone Temple Pilots, The Offspring, etc
> 
> Now I'm more "metal"...Avenged Sevenfold, Shinedown, Halestorm, Korn, Three Days Grace. My music tastes tend to move through time along with me.
> 
> I guess if I have to go back in time I can relate to someone like this lady:
> 
> Joan Jett - I Hate Myself For Loving You [ Original HQ ] - YouTube
> 
> I get it though. You meant it is a compliment so it's cool. :smthumbup:


Motley Crue is doing a "farewell tour" WTF have I heard that

before? They were a great band but I can not justify $200

for a good seat, not for the Crue. Eagles...yes, Pink Floyd..yes

Bon Jovi....no. At least Boson and Joan Jett are coming to 

Riverbend this summer, $20 each.....now I'd pay that gladly.


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## Freak On a Leash

I see these old bands playing and I'm amazed they are still out there touring. Those are all the bands that go down to Atlantic City to play. I call that city the place where "Old rock bands go to die." :rofl:

My tastes have changed over the years so I have no interest in a lot of those bands, plus for me, it's somewhat depressing to see guys who I remember looking young and rockin' hard resembling my father. 

If I could go to a rock event I'd go here:

Rock On The Range 2014 // May 16, 17 & 18 // Columbus, OH

Specifically on Saturday, because Avenged Sevenfold is one of my favorite bands. 

It was much better last year, when they had Korn, Papa Roach, Three Days Grace, Halestorm and Device..and a bunch more of my favorites. I would've GLADLY paid $200 to see those bands over a 3 day period. Sure wish I could've gone but it's the middle of the freakin' country! :slap: Maybe someday. 

I miss going to concerts. Last one I went to was to see Korn right before Thanksgiving so I'm getting the itch again now that ski season is ended.

A concert ticket for me usually cost between $20-80. I don't like the big stadiums and try to go to smaller stadiums or even better, club, do general admission and try to get as close to the stage as possible. I was right up in front of the stage when I saw Korn and Disturbed and it was awesome. :smthumbup: At least in a small club you always feel like you are up close to some extent.


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## Chuck71

I agree..... Crue lost a bit of their luster when Vince Neil started to 

resemble Cartman. I wanted to see Scorpions a few years ago but, 

$250 was too much for a band who had been around since 1965. 

They don't rock the roof off anymore, it's more "controlled" 

concert. Play an hour, intermission, play an hour. I guess I'm 

crazy to expect a concert like Queensryche in '88. They not 

only opened for Def Leppard, they kicked their arse. 

Huge guitar riffs, Tate was jumping over the guys as they 

did the famous "head rock" during riffs. Hard to ask them to

now though, they were 25 then... now they're 50. I'm sure

our old band Beachfront Property could still pull it off today

but we're only 40ish....but I can promise we'd be in a whirlpool

the next morning with aching bones LOL


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## Freak On a Leash

I like when a concert is like a big party. Everyone is into it. A lot has to do with the energy of the band and how they relate to their audience. That's why I like a smaller venue. When the band gets into it and you feel like everyone is relating to the music, the words,..it's something incredible. I always feel like that when I see some of my favorites, like Korn and Papa Roach.


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