# How effective is no-contact in getting someone back?



## Watch (Jun 9, 2012)

I had been in this relationship with someone that I truly love and care deeply for up until about two weeks ago. We had this connection that almost seemed too good to be true. We have a good rapport, a lot in common, etc. We both felt genuine and certain about how we felt about each other and expressed wanting to spend a lifetime together. 

But we had some hiccups too. So about 3 weeks ago, we had an argument. After that night, she withdrew from me and started avoiding me. Our communication went from talking everyday to hardly speaking at all. I took this pretty hard. I tried to make contact but she just wasn’t reciprocating the way she used to. It was me doing all the reaching out and she wasn’t initiating any contact at all. I was so hurt and distraught that I finally decided that I should just end the relationship, even though I didn’t really want to. So I did.

She emails me the next day and the tone of it felt like she was really sad and this isn’t what she had wanted. I tried to let go but couldn’t. So a few days later I texted her and asked if we could talk. She immediately responded and said yes. We had a very nice conversation that ended prematurely because of connections issues. She mentioned that she missed me but she was stuck between a rock and a hard place. She said being with me was like no other experience she had had before but that practical matters can’t be ignored and she didn’t know what to do. She sent me some nice text messages over the weekend (last weekend) that she initiated. I sent her some as well. This made me feel really good and gave me hope.

Then I screwed up. Sunday night comes around and I asked if we could talk (seriously) since we never got to finish our conversation from before. She didn’t want to right then but I wasn’t sure where we stood and I wanted some closure. She said she always feels like I’m hurrying her and not letting her do things in her own time. She went on to say that she can’t go forward or backwards and has immense difficulties with the monitoring and interferences (I have no idea what she means by this). She is distraught about not having me in her life anymore and she said doesn’t know what to do.
I closed the conversation because I could tell she was anxious and didn’t really want to talk.

I have been talking to some people that are really close to me and they said that if I really want her back the absolute best thing for me to do is to not contact her anymore in any way shape or form. This goes against my instinct but since nothing else seems to be working, I’ve decided to give it a try.

So I have not contacted her at all since we last spoke on Sun. It’s getting more and more painful each day. It’s only been 6 days but this is the longest we’ve gone without speaking. She hasn’t tried to contact me at all either.

My main questions are: Will she ever contact me? How much time should I give it before I contact her, if ever? And what does she mean by "having immense feelings with monitoring and interferences?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


----------



## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I don't know about anyone else but perhaps she is taken and was cheating with you... got caught... then decided to go back to her SO... Sounds like she wasn't being entirely honest with you about a few certain matters.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How long we're you in this relationship? How old are you two?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Will she ever contact you? Who knows since no one can predict the future. Looks like she is done with you but didn't have the courage to tell you to your face. When a woman is in to you she will call, text, and want to talk and be with you a lot. When she can go days without calling, then she is emotionally unattached. Let her go and move on. Will no contact work? Again, who knows? What no contact can do is stimulate curiosity in your partner which will in turn trigger the I want what I can't have reflex. Of course if your partner is done with you then no contact makes it easier for them (and you by default) to move on. It is a win-win situation. Remember, if you love someone then set them free. If they come back, it's usually, but not always, true love. Best of luck here.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

I agree with Gaia on this. Just the way you say she was acting 



> She went on to say that she can’t go forward or backwards and has immense difficulties with the monitoring and interferences (I have no idea what she means by this). She is distraught about not having me in her life anymore and she said doesn’t know what to do.


That right there made me think she has someone (a spouse, perhaps?) watching her every move and she doesn't want you to know this, IF you didn't know before. My advice? She went no contact with you... keep it that way. If she is not married or (supposedly) in a committed relationship, then she will contact you IF she wants to. Until that time, no matter how forlorn she seems now, respect the no contact she established, and leave her alone.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

If either party resorts to any methodology of non-communication with each other, then it's going to literally take an act of Congress to get you to the negotiation table. Albeit unknown to you, Watch, something here seems very troubling.

If neither one of you agree to clear the air, then there is no air to be cleared. As much as it may hurt now, if you were to invest more of your time, energy, and emotions with her, I truly think that you would hurt so much more than you do now. Do, within reason, whatever your conscience so dictates, but do so strictly from a position of strength. I wish you well, my friend!


----------



## LastDance (Jun 8, 2012)

How effective is no contact? I have to ask, you did tell her right? You explained you were giving her space and time to think and get her head clear on what she thinks, feels, wants.... You didn't just stop all contact without any explanation did you? 

If you didn't she may feel you are simply ignoring her or angry or any number of negative things I didn't see any thing about your telling her you were cutting all contact with her.




WATCH said:


> She is distraught about not having me in her life anymore and she said doesn’t know what to do. I closed the conversation because I could tell she was anxious and didn’t really want to talk.
> I have been talking to some people […] So I have not contacted her at all since we last spoke on Sun. [...]


----------



## Watch (Jun 9, 2012)

Gaia said:


> I don't know about anyone else but perhaps she is taken and was cheating with you... got caught... then decided to go back to her SO... Sounds like she wasn't being entirely honest with you about a few certain matters.


I know for a fact she isn't married and was not seeing anyone prior to me. Now, whether or not she started seeing someone else since me, I can't say for sure.


----------



## Watch (Jun 9, 2012)

Married in VA said:


> Will she ever contact you? Who knows since no one can predict the future. Looks like she is done with you but didn't have the courage to tell you to your face. When a woman is in to you she will call, text, and want to talk and be with you a lot. When she can go days without calling, then she is emotionally unattached. Let her go and move on. Will no contact work? Again, who knows? What no contact can do is stimulate curiosity in your partner which will in turn trigger the I want what I can't have reflex. Of course if your partner is done with you then no contact makes it easier for them (and you by default) to move on. It is a win-win situation. Remember, if you love someone then set them free. If they come back, it's usually, but not always, true love. Best of luck here.


Her biggest issue seems to be that she's affraid I'm gonna leave her. If I have an adverse reaction to something she does or says, she feels like I'm trying to mold her into something else, which I'm not. She's not the type of person that will chase after me.


----------



## Watch (Jun 9, 2012)

LastDance said:


> How effective is no contact? I have to ask, you did tell her right? You explained you were giving her space and time to think and get her head clear on what she thinks, feels, wants.... You didn't just stop all contact without any explanation did you?
> 
> If you didn't she may feel you are simply ignoring her or angry or any number of negative things.


I've been thinking about this a lot actually. There was no explanation that I was giving her her space to clear her head. I just decided this on my own. But I keep wondering if she thinks that I've given up.


----------



## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Watch said:


> she can’t go forward or backwards and has immense difficulties with the monitoring and interferences (I have no idea what she means by this)


See this... gives the impression that she maybe DID or DOES have someone... but she just hid it from you pretty well. So.. are you sure you know for a fact?


----------



## Watch (Jun 9, 2012)

Gaia said:


> See this... gives the impression that she maybe DID or DOES have someone... but she just hid it from you pretty well. So.. are you sure you know for a fact?


I think that means that she needs time to think without distractions. She can't decide what she wants if I keep talking to her. She doesn't want to feel pressured. I could be wrong. But that's what someone else said on another forum too.


----------



## LastDance (Jun 8, 2012)

Sounds to me like she feels stuck and just can't figure out what she wants or needs to do. As for the monitoring comment it may have been another/others she was referring to Watch. Which would explain why it made no sense to you. Because while it was actually directed at you, it was more of an out burst born of frustration in general. I dunno, just an observation from the outside looking in.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Gaia said:


> See this... gives the impression that she maybe DID or DOES have someone... but she just hid it from you pretty well. So.. are you sure you know for a fact?


I'm in firm agreement that when a spouse becomes rather contemplative in so "needing space," that it is indeed the exception rather than the rule that they are just mentally mulling things over without the presence of some other EA or PA interest in their life. This analogy should not be taken as ironclad, but it seems to be the overriding consensus, at least amongst those of us on here at TAM, who have had the rich experience of going through it at some pertinent juncture of our lives.

I pray for your sake that I, along with a plurality of the other folks on here, am decisively incorrect. But if we are not, we will be here for you! Best of luck to you in your present situation!


----------

