# Be real with me please.....



## raising5boyz

So here is what it breaks down to.....I can handle things much much better if I know what to expect. Now for the question..... in all reality, what are the chances of a man being willing to take on a relationship with a woman who has five kids? I want to love again. I want to be loved again. I don't know that it's gonna happen. I am wondering if I should realize and accept the fact that I will be alone until my kids are raised and gone? 

Please, brutal honesty is what I want.


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## tacoma

raising5boyz said:


> So here is what it breaks down to.....I can handle things much much better if I know what to expect. Now for the question..... in all reality, what are the chances of a man being willing to take on a relationship with a woman who has five kids? I want to love again. I want to be loved again. I don't know that it's gonna happen. I am wondering if I should realize and accept the fact that I will be alone until my kids are raised and gone?
> 
> Please, brutal honesty is what I want.


You`re facing an uphill battle.

12 years ago I married a woman with two kids and while we`ve had a good happy marriage I advise young men thinking of committing to a single mom not to do so.

It`s just so incredibly hard on the step parent in the vast majority of cases that if I knew then what I know now I may not have married my wife...maybe.

Edit:

If you do find that man never forget what he has accepted to be with you.
Never take for granted that one single self sacrificing action.


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## Freak On a Leash

raising5boyz said:


> So here is what it breaks down to.....I can handle things much much better if I know what to expect. Now for the question..... in all reality, what are the chances of a man being willing to take on a relationship with a woman who has five kids? I want to love again. I want to be loved again. I don't know that it's gonna happen. I am wondering if I should realize and accept the fact that I will be alone until my kids are raised and gone?
> 
> Please, brutal honesty is what I want.


Well, if I met a man with five kids I'd run for the hills. But someone else may like a "ready made family". But the odds are against it. 

Fact is, you are a parent first and the needs of your kids should come first. I don't know how old your kids are but is it fair to them for you to focus on dating and introducing a new love interest into their lives at this point? And what if you go through several love interests? Makes things highly erratic and complicated. 

Kids thrive best in a secure, consistent environment where they are the main priority. I think that dating on the "down low"..in other words, going out discreetly on dates and not parading your boyfriends in front of your kids (especially not having them sleep over and what not) is fine but the whole dating/getting remarried situation causes far more problems than than if fixes. 

Yes, we all need/want love but when you sign up for parenthood it's for the duration. It's the burden we bear as parents. One day the kids will be older and more independent and you can declare your independence as well and move on to a new stage of your life. 

If you have done your job as a parent well your kids will want to see you move on to a new love interest and be happy in a relationship. On the other hand, if they perceive that they pushed aside for someone else, they will be angry and resentful and all sorts of problems will come your way. 

Why the rush to go from a bad marriage to a new relationship? Why not just be your own, independent self and take this time to heal and grow and nurture your relationship with your kids? 

It's not such a bad situation. In the year I've been separated from my husband and living alone with my kids I've grown closer with them and come to appreciate them more than ever and they have grown to love and respect in a way they never did when I was living with my husband.


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## raising5boyz

Well lets see.....my marriage ended three years ago. Rush? No not really. I was very happy married. I would be extremely happy to be in a stable relationship. I think kids being raised in a two parent house are better off...however ideal went out the window a long time ago. 

My boys being around a good man would be really nice. 

And honestly....single mother of five kids is hard as hell. Just having a partner there to wrap their arms around me would be amazing.

Some people are happy single....some are not. I am doing it....I certainly won't shirk my responsibility as a mother....my children will always come first....however, dating hardly distracts from my job as a mother as you imply. I take time for myself every friday evening (ordered by my counselor lol). 



Tacoma, thanks for your comments....especially the last two lines.


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## Freak On a Leash

I have no problem with dating. I did say that. But the whole getting remarried situation _usually_ causes more problems than it fixes because as much as we'd like to live as The Brady Bunch, it rarely turns out that way. 

75% of second marriages usually end in divorce and there's good reason for that. 

I'd say go out and date someone you meet and like but I'd be very careful about introducing that person to your kids with the expectation that they will become your next husband. 

Hate to say it, but the things that single parents do to their kids in pursuit of the next great relationship is pretty horrendous. I have one friend who got divorced and within a year was living with and marrying another woman. She moved her 14 year old teenage girl in with him and his 8 year old daughter and the two girls were forced to share a bedroom together. Her daughter wound up hating him for all the changes in her life and moved out as soon as she was 18. His daughter is all screwed up and won't LEAVE the house! These were NICE people! They just had no idea how their "blended" family would affect their kids. 

IMO they should've lived apart and waited until the kids were old enough to be on their own, then pursued their live-in marital relationship. If they wanted to date and hang out, fine..but to marry and throw them all together? Not so good. 

You wanted brutal honesty and you got it. Sorry if you don't like hearing it. Be careful what you wish for.  

I am curious..How old are your kids and what happened to their father? He has no interest in spending time with his sons?


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## Joanie

I know I wouldn't want to date someone with 5 kids unless they were all older i.e. late teens or beyond. My ex hub is actually dating someone now who has 5 kids and he told her upfront he would date but could not see it going anywhere. He raised kids and really doesn't want to do it again. He told me she told him she loves him and he will not tell her in return. He said he cares for her but just can't take it to the next level due to the fact she has kids. I kind of feel badly for her. I warned him this would happen. He is too lazy to look for someone who has more of the things in life that he is looking for. This woman works with him and chased him.


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## that_girl

I know i would not get involved with someone who had 5 kids especially if they had full custody  I'm sorry, but you wanted honesty.

I had a kid when I got married, but her dad was not a butthole and I had my shet together. It was a little rough with jealousy on my daughter's part but that was solved by just doing a lot with her.


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## FirstYearDown

raising5boyz said:


> Well lets see.....my marriage ended three years ago. Rush? No not really. I was very happy married. I would be extremely happy to be in a stable relationship. I think kids being raised in a two parent house are better off...however ideal went out the window a long time ago. Why did you ask for brutal honesty, when you do not want to hear it? Children are only better off in a HAPPY home. My parents were in a horrible marriage for decades.
> 
> My boys being around a good man would be really nice.
> Yes, it would be.
> 
> And honestly....single mother of five kids is hard as hell. Just having a partner there to wrap their arms around me would be amazing.You have to be able to be independent, before you can be interdependent.
> 
> Some people are happy single....some are not. I am doing it....I certainly won't shirk my responsibility as a mother....my children will always come first....however, dating hardly distracts from my job as a mother as you imply. I take time for myself every friday evening (ordered by my counselor lol). That time is for YOU, not dating. It's never healthy to desperately need a man to be happy...you will not attract the right man in this state. Sorry, but most people do not want to take on the responsibility of one stepchild, let alone FIVE!
> 
> 
> 
> Tacoma, thanks for your comments....especially the last two lines.


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## Trying2figureitout

In reality not good odds... 5 kids is a lot. I respect what you do.

However there is the possibility of it happening if you meet the right person. I can guarantee you there are men that would take that on... the chance of you meeting them is pretty slim but not impossible.

My father married my mom who was a widow with three kids (My half-siblings) he put all three through college. They had me and he put me through college also. My mom had me at 41. My dad was quite the father... he took on a lot because he adored my mom. He was ready for marriage after being a bachelor for so long... he had a good job... traveled the world and was ready to settle down. My parents traveled the world again logging 18 cruises. He was scoping out places to take his future wife.
I got to tag along on three of them too.  Alaska, Caribbean and Mediterranean. Awesome.

My brother was "the man of the house"... when my father married he told him "Thank you, now you can relax I'm the man of the house you can relax and live your life" my brother was so relieved. He really thought he'd have that job forever.

I took my own family on two cruises also... he started a trend.


So it can happen for 3.... 5 is only two more. It's going to take the right person. I'm pretty sure my dad would have taken on 5 to marry my mom. He loved my mom..head over heals.

My dad was a bachelor never married and married my mom in her late thirties... and took on her family. Lucky for me.

So don't give up hope. Mr Right is out there.
I don't think you'll find him in bars or dating sites.... try airshows. Think where would an older bachelor hang out.


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## raising5boyz

So yes, I did say brutal honesty. Perhaps I should have said be honest tactifully please.

Did not expect a bunch of women to be the ones posting as to whether or not a man would look twice at a mother of five. I also find it interesting that that several of you are assuming I am not independent. I have been doing this a while now....attending a reputable college full time and taking care of these five children with no help, and no problems. 

As for the me time....it is for whatever I want it to be. If I want to date then why shouldn't I date? I'm quite confused by some of the comments on here. I am not desperate. I am not looking for a new father for my children. And I really don't think the desire to find love again at some point is wrong in any way. The assumption from some of you seems to be that I should not even be considering the possibility of a future relationship. I guess you all think I have just had too many kids for that. 

First year down....I agree completely with your comment of a happy home...should have added that is with the two parent home. Yes, one parent home and happy is better than two parents and not happy. 

Trying 2 figure it out. Ahhh....honest, yet not rude. Thank you. The odds are definitly stacked against me....and thats ok....I know that it will take a very special man to fit the role around here. If it doesn't happen then so be it. 

Contrary to what some people think on here....I am fine being single. It's not my ideal but thats ok. My boys are well adjusted and very happy. My life is headed in the right direction and those are the things that matter the most right now.


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## golfergirl

I am married, but if I ever were single - wow - it would need to be some special man! Not only do I have 4 (count 'em) 4 kids. At 43, I have a 3 and 1 year old (other 2 adult and mid-teen).
I could see my brother not being phased by 5 boys. He's just a laid back, cool kind of guy.
As far as when you're ready, what you do with 'you time' is your call. How old are the boys? Age range if even?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Freak On a Leash

I don't think anyone has been rude to you. You don't like what you are hearing so you are interpreting it as "rude". That's not fair or correct. But then again, that's the nature of the internet and the printed word. The intention behind the words as they are written doesn't often jive with the way they are interpreted by those who read them.  In your initial post on this thread you definitely give off the vibe that you are looking to get into a committed relationship with someone and what are the odds that you can do so given that you have 5 boys to raise? If I got the wrong impression than I do apologize. 

I've read some of your earlier posts. I read a post by you about how overwhelmed and guilty you felt when your 5 year old son was injured while you were away at school so I can see why you are feeling defensive and guilty when you perceive that someone is accusing you of being a bad mother simply because you want to have a social life and date others in attempt to be a whole person, not just as a provider and parent. 

You've had a rough time. A husband who has cheated on you over the years while you thought you were in a good and happy marriage. Now you are going to school full time and trying to raise 5 boys. It's not easy. You've had your emotional roots torn up all around you and been handed a raw deal. You feel overwhelmed and would love to have someone to share your life and support YOU for a change. It's understandable that you'd be wanting to find someone else to love and be loved by someone who isn't a child, but a peer. 

I have to give you kudos for all you've done and are trying to accomplish. Being there for your kids isn't easy. We all want to have fun and have our own lives as well as we go about the business of dedicating our lives to our loved ones.

Heck I go out and have a good time as well. I don't date but I sure as heck am into my various hobbies and activities. It does help that my kids are older and more independent and there's only two of them..and that I have absolutely no interest in dating. But there's other things I like doing that do take me away from my kids. No one should have to be attached to their kids with a proverbial ball and chain. We need time for ourselves as well, be it dating or reading a book or hanging out on a computer. 

You are not alone. Many of us here have been handed a set of circumstances that we are dealing with through no fault of our own, be it a spouse who was unfaithful, was addicted to drugs or alcohol or has mental problems..this forum is full of such things, sad to say.  

However, you asked for opinions. If you wanted only men to reply then you would've done better to have posted in the Men's Clubhouse. You might've gotten more of the response you were looking for or at least a different perspective. 

Here, you have people who are going through much the same as you are. In that respect, you'll get sympathy, but you'll also get a "Shut up and suck it up" mentality too. It's unavoidable. 

My .02 is that you have 5 kids and that comes with a set of unique circumstances that are going to limit your dating options and that introducing the component of a man into your family life might make things worse or at least complicate things. You aren't stupid, you know what the score is. What did expect or want people to say when you started this thread? :scratchhead: 

I think Trying2Figureitout probably told you what you wanted to hear. Hers was a beautiful and touching story but I hate to say it, it's something that I can't see happening very often. Oh, it COULD happen but then again, someone can always win the 10 million dollar lottery too. 

I wish you the best of luck. Stay the course that you are on and you will do well. We're all pulling for you, trust me on that.


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## nice777guy

raising5boyz said:


> Just having a partner there to wrap their arms around me would be amazing.


I read that and I can tell you that there's some hope.

Hope you find what you're looking for...


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## raising5boyz

Freak on a leash....I don't mind hearing the truth, yes I guess I do know the "score" as you put it....not sure what I expected to hear....maybe how to deal with it....how to balance desire with reality. Your last post was much more polite, thank you Again I should have asked for just honesty...not brutal honesty I guess. Maybe I was hoping for something along the lines of there is someone for everyone....instead of theres no hope. 

My life is what it is....and it's not easy. And believe me I suck it up and drive on everyday. We are all dealt different hands and we handle the challenges our own ways. I can say that as challenging as I think my life is right now....I know I have it better then some people. I also know that I am in a much better place than I was three years ago when I discovered my x's affairs. I know I made the right choice to end the marriage. I know that I can handle just pretty much anything....whether I want to or not!

Golfer girl my boys are 14, 13, 11, 9, and 5.

Nice777guy thank you....some day...I'm sure of it! lol Makes me think of Shoos quote "His delay is not denial" or something to that affect. Someday....someday....


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## Freak On a Leash

With me, you gotta watch it when you ask for an honest opinion. I don't hold back. I am sorry if it came off as more brutal than honest though. That wasn't my intention.  

You know, a lot of people in your position would've stayed in a bad marriage rather than strike off on their own with 5 kids. They would've ignored the fact that their husband was cheating and just lived with it. You didn't. I admire that and think that you have a lot going for you in that respect. 

I put up with a lot of crap in my own marriage because I didn't want the responsibility of being a single parent, on my own, etc, etc. I got there anyway and it turned out great but it does help that my kids are 17 and 14. Had they been 7 and 4 I probably would still be in a bad marriage. 

So pat yourself on the back for that. It took a lot of inner strength to do what you are doing. :smthumbup:

Yes, there IS someone for everyone, but like I said, it's like that proverbial lottery winner. SOMEONE has to win that money. That's why people keep shelling out for those lottery tickets. You can get in there and play that dating game and you might come up with the jackpot, but unfortunately I tend to be cynical and always figure that you'll turn up with 3 lemons. 

If you are more of a gambling type person then go for it. 

I never was one for gambling. I tend only to invest on a sure thing and unless I'm sure I will get it I hold back. Seriously dating with younger, dependent children just seems like a complicated mess waiting to happen so my advice is almost always "Wait until the kids are old enough to date too". I just don't like complications and problems. I'd rather be alone and deal with things myself then deal with someone else and have more potential problems come my way.

My unhappy marriage has made me gun shy when it comes to dealing with anyone else. I don't want to date right now and if/when I do I don't want them living with me. I don't want anyone dictating to me how I should think, act or live..but that is a result of my prior experiences. You situation maybe totally different or you might be a totally different person. A more optimistic one at the very least. 

I'd like to see this thread posted on the Men's Clubhouse and watch the reactions. It would be interesting, to say the least.


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## nice777guy

Freak On a Leash said:


> I'd like to see this thread posted on the Men's Clubhouse and watch the reactions. It would be interesting, to say the least.


So - go right ahead!


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## raising5boyz

I'm game.....but I am taking out the word brutal!!! lol  Ok...might just revise it a lot....lol


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## raising5boyz

Ok...it's posted in the mens clubhouse as "Would you or not?".


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## Freak On a Leash

nice777guy said:


> So - go right ahead!


It's not my thread to post. But raising5boyz said earlier that she was surprised that so many women posted. It seems she wanted a man's perspective, which actually makes sense. All the men I know are either divorced or confirmed bachelors. :rofl: They'd be more brutal than I am! 

And all my women friends are single and divorced and content to remain that way. They aren't even dating. We're all too busy doing other stuff for that.  I will say that in the beginning of my separation I did see myself dating at this point in my life. Now that I'm here, I have no desire to. :scratchhead:

Also, it seems I'm at a different point in my life than raising5boyz. My kids are older and most of my friends have older children or none at all. It puts me in a different place in many regards, as does my marital experience. My reasons for being a single parent are quite different. One of the few things my husband did NOT do was cheat on me. That alone gives me a whole different perspective. 

Oh yeah..and there is this whole OTHER factor about me NOT BEING A GUY. :rofl:

So yeah, I'd like to see this thread put in the Men's clubhouse and see what the responses are. I would take out the word "Brutal" and rephrase differently. I would also provide a few more details as to how old the kids are, etc. 

Good luck!


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## Freak On a Leash

raising5boyz said:


> Ok...it's posted in the mens clubhouse as "Would you or not?".


:smthumbup: I think I'll just lurk on this one...

It'll be interesting to do a comparison study, eh?


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## raising5boyz

eh....why not!? 

I was going to put a little about me on there...but as I thought about what I would write about myself it started to sound like an online dating ad.....not cool! Def not what I want it to be on a marriage website!

However if there is some wonderful single man who wants to take on the challenge I would welcome a private message! lol:rofl:


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## Freak On a Leash

Well, you never know. I can see people PMing you in an attempt to "hook up". I've actually gotten a few of those myself. :rofl: Never answered though. 

There seems to be some confusion about who the thread is actually about but hopefully that's been cleared up. 

Sounds like nice777guy wants to start a similar thread in the Ladies Lounge.


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## raising5boyz

lol maybe he does! lol 

Hookups.....if that is all I wanted I would be happy as a clam! I live in a college town... offers abound.....but a MILF is NOT what I want to be!!! Sheesh!


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## Freak On a Leash

raising5boyz said:


> Hookups.....if that is all I wanted I would be happy as a clam! I live in a college town... offers abound.....but a MILF is NOT what I want to be!!! Sheesh!


Yeah, that's usually how it goes.  Personally, that's not my style either. I relate very well to younger guys and I'm in pretty good shape for a woman my age, which doesn't hurt either but I'm not into the "hooking up" scene. Definitely NOT my style. 

Actually, I'm quite the opposite. I wouldn't sleep with someone unless I had some real feelings there. For all my talk and bravado, I'm quite the old fashioned gal in that respect. It takes me a long time to get to know and like most people and even longer to love them. I almost never trust them. 

So I'm kind of at odds with myself. Sexually I want a commitment but emotionally I want no such thing. 

I think what I want is a friend with benefits. Someone to have great times with and have an emotional connection with, but not live with. I thought I had that sort of thing with my H at one point. Guess not. 

Then when we separated I thought "This could be the ticket. Maybe we could "date" and but not be in each other's way. He actually talked about doing just that but it seems it was just talk. With my H it was all about him and his needs. If it's not his way then it's no way at all. Of course NOW he's taking on a different attitude. I have to say one thing for the guy, he's unpredictable. :rofl:


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## southbound

Freak On a Leash said:


> My unhappy marriage has made me gun shy when it comes to dealing with anyone else. I don't want to date right now and if/when I do I don't want them living with me. I don't want anyone dictating to me how I should think, act or live..but that is a result of my prior experiences. You situation maybe totally different or you might be a totally different person. A more optimistic one at the very least.


Our situation is probably different, but my previous marriage has made me gun shy with other people too. We were married 18 years of what I thought was a good marriage, and all at once, she isn't happy anymore.

It left me feeling like, "Ok, so divorce is that easy??" Why would I want to chance it again. I'd probably feel like I was walking on eggshells in another relationship afraid I would make her "unhappy."

On the other hand, I am happy single. It feels good to only have to answer to yourself and not worry if your emotionally fulfilling someone or not.

So, to the original question, yes, it would probably deter me, but that's just me. I probably wouldn't be interested at this point if the woman didn't have any kids.


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## that_girl

I love being a MILF. lol.


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## Corpuswife

The potential for new love is always there! I wish you the best. For me I told my last last, that I wouldn't get married or have someone live with us until she was graduated. Fortunately, this would have been 2 years max. It gave her comfort that she wouldn't have to deal with my "love interest" full time in whatever capacity (live-in; new husband; etc). 

I have been dating seriously over the past 1.5 years. I waited to introduce him as a "friend" about 2 months into the relationship. He doesn't come around much when she is home. 

It's tough to have your love life and have your mom life! They don't have the feeling for your "new love(s)" that you will. 

Yes, you have a journey to raise 5 kiddos. It sounds like you are a strong person with a good head on your shoulders. Keep your mind and heart open for future possiblities!


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## raising5boyz

OMG freakonaleash....wanting FWB with your husband....that is just too freaking funny! lol Made me laugh! I don't do FWB....but it seems every single male my age is more than ready for that! 

Thank you Corpuswife...I would like to think I am strong with a good head on my shoulders! I do wonder at times! And I am surprised anyone on this site can see me as stong! This is where I come to break down, cry, let it all out......and whatever else! lol

I think I am discovering a few things about myself. I hate to be alone....without a companion....but more than that, I hate my kids or myself being mistreated. 

Someday I will find love again....whether it is with or without kids still in the house. In the mean time....I am going to double my efforts to create friendships....male or female....I need friends! Good, close friends. That in itself would really help solve the loneliness factor.


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## SunnyT

After my mom died, my dad remarried...about two years later... to a woman with one young child. My dad had 11 children... between the ages of 3 and 23. But those were different times. 

When my ex left, I was on a different support group site. Met some wonderful friends there... one of whom I married last year. I have 5 kids, all teens at the time. It's a long story, but I brought one kid with me (the youngest 15 and the biggest pain in the butt!) and then all the others followed and joined us. It was interesting... my H loooooooooooooooooves me and put up with too many "grown" kids who needed some help. 

At this time, (and it looks never-ending) we have my 23 year old daughter, her daughter, and H's 23 year old daughter living with us. Not what we planned, but we gotta do right by the kids, ya know? 

Just saying.... there's hope. You never know when/where/if you will find and click with that special someone. I know that we work hard to accept and help and love each other's kids... having been raised on seemingly different planets! BUT... now ALL our kids get along, are friends, come over ever Sunday for a standing "open house dinner"... Mix in some grandbabies and bf's and gf's... 

My life is better than I could have imagined.... ever.


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## nice777guy

Freak On a Leash said:


> Well, you never know. I can see people PMing you in an attempt to "hook up". I've actually gotten a few of those myself. :rofl: Never answered though.
> 
> There seems to be some confusion about who the thread is actually about but hopefully that's been cleared up.
> 
> Sounds like nice777guy wants to start a similar thread in the Ladies Lounge.


Hey - just noticed this! Why am I the one getting dragged through the mud?!?! I don't recall ever PMing either of YOU two about a "hookup."

(but - if you're interested - PM me!)


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## nice777guy

SunnyT said:


> After my mom died, my dad remarried...about two years later... to a woman with one young child. My dad had 11 children... between the ages of 3 and 23. But those were different times.
> 
> When my ex left, I was on a different support group site. Met some wonderful friends there... one of whom I married last year. I have 5 kids, all teens at the time. It's a long story, but I brought one kid with me (the youngest 15 and the biggest pain in the butt!) and then all the others followed and joined us. It was interesting... my H loooooooooooooooooves me and put up with too many "grown" kids who needed some help.
> 
> At this time, (and it looks never-ending) we have my 23 year old daughter, her daughter, and H's 23 year old daughter living with us. Not what we planned, but we gotta do right by the kids, ya know?
> 
> Just saying.... there's hope. You never know when/where/if you will find and click with that special someone. I know that we work hard to accept and help and love each other's kids... having been raised on seemingly different planets! BUT... now ALL our kids get along, are friends, come over ever Sunday for a standing "open house dinner"... Mix in some grandbabies and bf's and gf's...
> 
> My life is better than I could have imagined.... ever.


:smthumbup:


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## raising5boyz

@ Sunny T.....so glad you found a man to love and who loves you and all your children! It is what I hope for and long for. My day will come....it's just a matter of when....and until then... we funcion just fine without a father in the home. My boys are amazing....don't know if I could have made it through any of this without such great kids!

@ nice guy...you SO took that out of context!!! lol We were absolutely NOT talking about you pm-ing us about a hook up! But it does make me wonder who you have pm-ed for a hook up!  lol 

And now I CAN'T pm you! You see my name and you will be thinking "Woo hoo! A hook up!!!" :rofl:


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## Freak On a Leash

raising5boyz said:


> OMG freakonaleash....wanting FWB with your husband....that is just too freaking funny! lol Made me laugh! I don't do FWB....but it seems every single male my age is more than ready for that!
> .


I think that's the only way I would have a relationship. I don't see myself ever living with anyone again. Every nerve and fiber in my body does NOT want that! I've shared my home with someone else twice in my life and it's been awful. I like having my freedom. You want to hang with me and have fun? Sounds good. :smthumbup:But don't leave your toothbrush in my bathroom and you will NOT get a key to my apartment! Why mess up a good thing by introducing dating? I have plenty to do without it. Too much actually. 

Anyway, dating anyone is so NOT happening right now. My relationship with my H is settling into a nice pattern where he's finally figuring out what the rules are. Weird thing is, we haven't had sex in weeks where at one time I was obsessed about wanting it with him. Now I don't. I'm not angry at him or spiteful. I just feel absolutely no desire for him. It's as if the tables have turned with us. But he's figured things out and has given me the space I desire so it's all good.


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## Freak On a Leash

nice777guy said:


> Hey - just noticed this! Why am I the one getting dragged through the mud?!?! I don't recall ever PMing either of YOU two about a "hookup."
> 
> (but - if you're interested - PM me!)


:lol::rofl: Nope..never got any emails from you. It was just one "suggestive one" that I deleted. 

You seem like a nice guy but aside from the fact that I'm not in the "market", I wouldn't do a long distance thing. Been there, done that and it's not for me.


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## FormerlyCareFree

I honestly think it's how you carry yourself and what kind of parent you are percieved to the world will affect your chances more or less on meeting someone who will welcome 5 boys. I have a friend who is single with 2 boys from 2 different dads. Although having 2 kids is not a big deal, but she kind of sucks as a parent, and the fact that she has two boys from two different men she never married is a red flag for any man. Her stock market value is very low. I know that sounds so anti-feminist, but it's true. 

I think the question here is are you able to juggle raising 5 boys, and have a meaningful relationship where neither suffers? You might meet a man who is crazy about you, and had tons of fun with you, but the sweet melody of the record scratches the moment the kids enter the picture. Back when I was single, I was in a relationship with a man whose kid I couldn't stand. He was a brat. One of the reasons why we ended up breaking up. Are your kids well-behaved? are you financially set enough to support all of them without having to count on a new "dad' to pick up the financial slack? that can scare a man away too. 

I find that people in your situation keep the two relationships seperate, but they both end up suffering in the end because you're constantly juggling your schedule to make everyone happy. Have you though of dating sites where you can put it out there from the get-go, and see if anyone bites?

To be "brutally honest" as you put it, I don't think you're going to have an easy time finding a guy off the street who will readily accept an overnight family of 6. All the boys would have to be fun-loving saints.


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## raising5boyz

Well four boys from my first husband who I left after 8 years of marriage...he was abusive. One from my second husband who I booted after five years because extreme infidelity. Yep, I know how to pick them! I am extremely trusting and see the best in people and overlook that bad things....to a fault. :\ 

My boys are good. They are really good IMO. They can be wild...they are pure boy! Like play in the mud, climb trees, stunts on bikes....BOYS! lol I know I am someone easy going and could be more strict....but really they are good boys. 

As for me.....poor college student right now! However, I am working towards a degree in Electrical Engineering....I vow to never be reliant on someone else's income again! I manage money well, and will be doing very well once I have my degree in hand.


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## raising5boyz

So am I "marketable"? lol I guess I don't know and I don't care! lol

Usually in life, the things that take the most work, also give the greatest reward.....and thats how my boys are to me. Maybe, just maybe, the guy who decides to join our family someday....will really be the luckiest guy around!


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## nice777guy

raising5boyz said:


> So am I "marketable"? lol I guess I don't know and I don't care! lol
> 
> Usually in life, the things that take the most work, also give the greatest reward.....and thats how my boys are to me. Maybe, just maybe, the guy who decided to join our family someday....will really be the luckiest guy around!


:iagree:

With THAT attitude - you are totally "marketable!"


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## raising5boyz

Thank you very much nice guy!


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## nice777guy

No thanks needed. 

If you are confident and comfortable in your own situation and taking care of your own business - I'd like to think that's when good things happen. 

If your focus was on "finding a man" - thereby NOT focusing on your sons - then you'd probably be SOL on BOTH fronts!


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## that_girl

Ooh la la....


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## tacoma

gagafree said:


> If you really love the woman, then you should also love her children.


It doesn`t work that way.

You can`t love someone vicariously, you either feel emotion for them or you don`t.


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## raising5boyz

@ that_girl :lol: :rofl: :smthumbup: nuf said! I think the pic is for me huh? :rofl:

@tacoma....I agree completely. And honestly....unless the man loves my kids too....it would never me a long term relationship, especially not marriage!


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## raising5boyz

oh...and.... Nice guy...NOT making fun of the pic at all! just so you know!


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## Waits4Mr.Right

I understand the feeling you get when "attacked" by people's opinions on here. Sorry.
Seems like people see everything in black and white and have no understanding. They don't seem too eager to give helpful advice or suggestions. I think that's sad.
As other people on here I'm sure, we just want to be heard and TALKED to, not YELLED at, condemned, or made to feel any worse than we already do....
That said...
If a man loves you, he wouldn't care if you had ten kids. I think the key here, is that he wants to see you doing it on your own and not trying to "free load" off of him.


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## raising5boyz

Waits4Mr.Right Eh it's all good. I think we got our little tiff worked out! lol Sometimes opinions can come across as harsh....sometimes when it is not intended...and of course when it is! 

Free loading...lol...gosh no! As I said before...I am working my way through school for a degree in a stable and profitable field...and when that happens...never will I depend on anyone else's money but my own!!! Can't wait! lol 

Thank you for your kind words.


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## DelinquentGurl

I don't post on this site very often, mostly because I feel like a lot of posts in general are negative and condescending.

Bottom line, is don't give up hope on finding love. Someone is out there, and if a man doesn't want to be with you because you have 5 kids, he isn't a man you want in your life anyway.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nice777guy

raising5boyz said:


> @ that_girl :lol: :rofl: :smthumbup: nuf said! I think the pic is for me huh? :rofl:
> 
> @tacoma....I agree completely. And honestly....unless the man loves my kids too....it would never me a long term relationship, especially not marriage!


Sorry - 5 kids may not be an issue - but the whole WA / IN thing...that would make things a bit difficult!!!

Keep your chin up, keep your eyes on what's important and things will work themselves out.


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## raising5boyz

yeah....nothing like a long distance relationship! Haven't done it and don't plan to! lol

Chin is up...but not too high...don't wanna look stuck up! lol It will all work out....and again I will attempt to quote shoo "His delay is not denial"....so someday....someday!


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## nice777guy

Have any of you girls and guys checked out Raising's profile and see her pic?

:smthumbup:

I figured someone raising five boys would have pulled all of their hair out by now - have tremendous bags under their eyes - wrinkled brow - lost the ability to smile - etc., etc

She's really very attractive...


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## Lon

nice777guy said:


> Have any of you girls and guys checked out Raising's profile and see her pic?
> 
> :smthumbup:
> 
> I figured someone raising five boys would have pulled all of their hair out by now - have tremendous bags under their eyes - wrinkled brow - lost the ability to smile - etc., etc
> 
> She's really very attractive...


I just looked, yes I agree NG, R5B you are hot!

I haven't kept up with this thread, but after spending the weekend with my son (only one, that seems challenging enough as it is, 5 is incredible) and am feeling a little frustrated at how difficult fitting in a private social life with a new romance partner appears to be. I was chatting with a woman on an online dating site and we are interested in each other but both of us want to "protect" our child and our coparenting schedule is completely out of phase, so I sadly don't know if a date will happen with her - yes we can arrange sitters but I think the prospect of having to hire a sitter every time takes away something important.


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## raising5boyz

Awe...thanks guys! You are sweet and put a smile on my face! 

Lon, sorry to hear about you and your girl. I have been dating, and it is difficult....time to put it on hold I think....Good luck!


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## nice777guy

raising5boyz said:


> And now I CAN'T pm you! You see my name and you will be thinking "Woo hoo! A hook up!!!" :rofl:


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## Limping

heya,

A little late in the game for another "opinion" but so be it. I think your prospects of finding a man that will "man-up" to an instant family of 7 will be limited at best.

That said, when I was dating before my divorce, I dated a lady with 5 children. I knew she had them before we dated. It did make me balk a bit at the thought, but I gave it a shot. We did not hit it off, but I approached the idea with a lot of respect for her.

Raising that many children is hard on a day care, more less one parent.

In our society today, people seem to be more and more narcissistic than ever before. This will make finding that special someone harder than ever. As you know, raising children requires that you sometimes place your interests on hold for their well being. The more children you have the more it requires you to focus on something besides yourself.

Hopefully you will find someone that is that selfless. Be careful though, SOME guys that would be attracted to your situation are "fixers" and be there for the feeling of helping you out etc... You will know if they are more interested in being with the boys than you, big red flag.

I wish you well. I think you are doing great, from reading your posts. Keep on getting yourself and your boys taken care of, love will come your way. Probably when you are not even looking.

Bill


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## DailyGrind

FormerlyCareFree said:


> I honestly think it's how you carry yourself and what kind of parent you are percieved to the world will affect your chances more or less on meeting someone who will welcome 5 boys. I have a friend who is single with 2 boys from 2 different dads. Although having 2 kids is not a big deal, but she kind of sucks as a parent, and the fact that she has two boys from two different men she never married is a red flag for any man. Her stock market value is very low. I know that sounds so anti-feminist, but it's true.
> 
> I think the question here is are you able to juggle raising 5 boys, and have a meaningful relationship where neither suffers? You might meet a man who is crazy about you, and had tons of fun with you, but the sweet melody of the record scratches the moment the kids enter the picture. Back when I was single, I was in a relationship with a man whose kid I couldn't stand. He was a brat. One of the reasons why we ended up breaking up. Are your kids well-behaved? are you financially set enough to support all of them without having to count on a new "dad' to pick up the financial slack? that can scare a man away too.
> 
> I find that people in your situation keep the two relationships seperate, but they both end up suffering in the end because you're constantly juggling your schedule to make everyone happy. Have you though of dating sites where you can put it out there from the get-go, and see if anyone bites?
> 
> To be "brutally honest" as you put it, I don't think you're going to have an easy time finding a guy off the street who will readily accept an overnight family of 6. All the boys would have to be fun-loving saints.


These are great points. I honestly don't think it would destroy my willingness to commit....IF:

A) I was completely in love with the woman;
B) kids seemed well adjusted (and I thought I could get along with them)....meaning...the woman is a wonderful Mom; 
C) I'd certainly be wondering if I'd be having to commit to 5 college degrees;
D) I thought they would get along with my own children.

However, I seriously don't think I would have been able to do it, if I hadn't been married with kids, beforehand. Being married once before, would certainly change my perspective. In fact..I'm SURE (if I do wind up getting divorced) I would never be interested in someone who WASN'T married before. It is definitely a different kind of life. I'm sure, in my single days (however)....I would have run for the hills.


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## wondering0821

Corpuswife said:


> The potential for new love is always there!


CW: I have spent the evening following your posts! I appreciate the insights and the history. The conclusion here is heartening! ..


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## i.bellagardner

raising5boyz said:


> So here is what it breaks down to.....I can handle things much much better if I know what to expect. Now for the question..... in all reality, what are the chances of a man being willing to take on a relationship with a woman who has five kids? I want to love again. I want to be loved again. I don't know that it's gonna happen. I am wondering if I should realize and accept the fact that I will be alone until my kids are raised and gone?
> 
> Please, brutal honesty is what I want.


As long as you can accept her as her and just like what you've said, you can handle things much better. If that so, you should take the risk of being a father of her kids. It happens most of the time.


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## raising5boyz

Hey all, thank you for the replies. I do really believe that there is someone out there for me. I have actually met quite a few men who are ok with the idea of me having so many kids. Just haven't found that special man yet. Someday...

In the mean time, I am feeling much better than I was when I wrote the post. I was feeling quite sorry for myself....and then the other day I started thinking about all the great things in my life. I am attending a reputable college and getting good grades, I have FIVE WONDERFULLY AMAZING BOYS! Yes, the are a lot of work....but wow....I am so loved by them, and them by me! They are the reason I made it through my divorce with some sanity. I just can't describe how truly great these boys of mine are! And someday....someday they will make the most amazing fathers and husbands.....they have seen me struggle and go through heartbreak....it has helped shape them in to young men who care....who are sensitve to others....and who have great work ethic as they have had to pull there weight around here. 

Just feeling very greatful and blessed.....love these boys!


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