# Trouble?



## thingschange (May 6, 2012)

This will be quite a read, but i feel like the entire story needs to be told to explain how I got here. 

Me and my girlfriend met about 5 years ago as co-workers. I have never been a very emotional person and tend to be rather cynical and sarcastic. I have always had a very close family and my parents have been married for going on 30 years. She grew up in a small town in very rough circumstances with abusive, alcoholic parents that divorced when she was young. She constantly had to protect her younger siblings from this abuse so I understand where she gets some of her "issues". So we hit it off at work but didnt really see each other outside of work. At the time I started she was dating someone that worked in a different department. For some reason I fell very hard for her, but our relationship was very sexual from the start, which I look back on with disappointment now. The job I met her at was only going to be a gig I worked for a couple months, because I had plans to move to Austin, TX with my best friend. Once our relationship started, it moved rather fast and we were looking for apartments to move into together within a couple months. She spent Christmas with me and my family and everything was good through the beginning of the year. Around the middle of February, I started feeling a change in her. Then in the middle of March, she dropped the bombshell on me. She was pregnant and she "didnt know" if it was mine. Now Im a VERY (almost to the point of obsessive) detail oriented person so I instantly went into crazy ******* mode and started grilling her for dates, times, etc etc...She was seeing her high-school boyfriend, whom she had never really lost contact with again. After a couple days of anger and fighting, she basically told me that she was going to "make a family" with this gentleman, who already had kids of his own from another relationship and was, by her own account, physically and mentally abusive. I shut the emotions down, went and slept with my ex a couple times before packing up and moving to Austin like I had originally planned. Now the whole time, you have to understand, I obsessively poured over dates and times, trying to figure out if this kid could be mine or not. I have always loved kids, and looked forward to the day I would have my own, even if I never did enough in any relationship to make that a possibility. So after being in Austin a couple months, I texted her to see how she was doing. Feelings of guilt were dogging me for some of the horrible things I had said to her, but I would be lying if I said I wasnt wondering if she and this guy had managed to make it. They hadnt. She left him after about a month and moved back in with a family friend that is more of a mother to her than her biological mother is. The more we talked, the more I realized that I still had feelings for her and this unborn child. She claimed to have feelings for me as well, and I had landed a good job in Austin, so she moved down to be with me. I had my son on Sept. 24, 2008. It was the best day of my life. Having a family was a dream come true and I was happier than I had ever been. We moved back home into my parents house at the end of 2009 because we felt guilty that our families had to drive 13 hours or spend $400 on a plane ticket to see our kid. Moving back home took its toll on us, as I slipped into the bad habits I had before I had a family...irresponsibility. Me and my ex had also started talking again, keeping it casual until I broke the news that I had a child while I was away in TX, which she hadnt known before now. This was obviously a point of contention with my girlfriend, but I deflected and honestly (mistakenly) felt like it was no big deal because I had no plans to see her. Somewhere along the way (because of my issues and obsessive nature) we agreed that I would stay at home with the kid to avoid daycares, because she was making better money at this point. We moved into our own place when she got promoted, and this is where the trouble really started. Every couple months me and my ex would text each other, even after I had promised I wouldnt contact her anymore. I would like to stress that I never had any physical contact with her saw her in person. I never felt like I had anything to hide, so I wouldnt bother to lock my phone or anything. I realize how dumb I was now, because if i honestly felt like I had nothing to hide I wouldnt have put my ex's number under another friends listing in my phone. My girl found text messages of a sexual nature (more joking, but sexual nonetheless) one night and flipped out on me. We were fighting more and more often. In hindsight I realize now that I was putting everything I had into being a stay at home father to this kid and was totally ignoring her needs and feelings. She mentioned being unhappy a lot, but I chalked it up to stress at work and school. I would have never left her and in my head had planned the rest of my life around being with her and this kid until the day I died. I took her for granted. I find it "funny" now that while I was negative about EVERYTHING else, the only thing I was positive about in my life was that we would be a family forever...as I was pushing her further and further away. Our sex life was sporadic at best but I was totally oblivious because I was focused like a laser on my son. I started feeling her grow distant again, and asked her if she was seeing someone else. She always assured me she was not, but did accuse me of never being over what had happened before and "throwing it in her face". I had no reason to believe she was, so I let it go. 

About two months ago, she found out she was going to get another promotion and we would be moving again. I was looking forward to this as a new start, and with my kid entering 1st grade, I would go back out, get a job and take some of the pressure off. Her emotional distance was more and more noticeable in the weeks and days leading up to our move, and by the time we were settled in our new place, I would be lucky to get 10 minutes of conversation out of her. Well about a week ago, she informed me, after about 30 minutes of me pressuring her to open up, that she wasnt happy in our relationship anymore and that she didnt think she loved me. Being the oblivious ass that I am, this came as a total shock to me, even though I had felt something was seriously out of place for a couple months. As I watched my family life crumble to dust in front of my face, a flood of emotion poured out of me...She was very cold about it, explaining that this had been in the works for about six months or so, and that I would never pay enough attention to her when she tried to bring it up in conversation. I think back now and I blew off any of her unhappiness as stress instead of being the man I should have been and talking with her about it. I take 100% responsibility for ruining what we once had. Even through all the emotions I was feeling, something wasnt sitting right with me. In the back of my head something felt weirdly familiar. When she first told me about her being pregnant it was about a 48 hour period that we went from looking for apartments together to her not answering my phone calls. It was like a light switch had just turned off...I realized that was the feeling I was getting from her now. I started snooping. She has always been very guarded with her phone, so there isnt a chance I could get into it and see who she was talking to so I checked the phone bill. She is always getting text messages from her friends, co-workers, bosses, etc etc...I never really worried about it because thats what comes with the profession she is in. After checking the phone bill though, I found that she had "reconnected" with one of her friends from high school and they had started having conversations. At first I just checked her text message listings, and I kept seeing the same number pop up a LOT. To the tune of about 2200 times in under a month...obsessive nature rearing its ugly head again, I averaged it to be about 90 texts a day back and forth. When I spy dialed the number, I found the voicemail belonging to a male. I approached her about the person and asked who he was...she told me he was an old friend from school that she had just recently started talking to again through mutual friends. When I brought up concerns about the number of texts they had exchanged, she deflected and I was the crazy one, he was just a friend, someone she knew, they just chat while she is at work. The timestamps show that she texts this guy as soon as she wakes up in the morning either before or on her way to work (around 6:45 AM) and it continues all day long. I finally got around to asking her if she ever talked to him on the phone to which she stated they talk "for 10 or 15 minutes every once and awhile". When I checked the phone records, I saw that they talked pretty much every single day for the past month, sometimes for 10-15 minutes, but sometimes for more than two hours. Meanwhile, the longest conversation we have on record in the past month is about 20 minutes. When I approached her about this (at 4 AM waking her from sleep) she doubled down on the fact that I was crazy and nothing was going on, etc etc. I spoke to her mother whom she had mentioned the guy to but both her mom and this friend that had reintroduced her to this guy both claim that they have no knowledge of any relationship between them other than knowing each other. The only reason I kind of believe her at this point is because what does she have left to lose? She has already told me that we have no future together and that our family life is effectively over. My kid will being going into first grade towards the end of this year, and she doesnt want me to leave the apartment until he is enrolled and I have a job. She wants me to get a place close to her and swears to me that she will never keep my kid from me. Im pretty sure she has feelings for me still as neither of us has eaten or slept very much since this all boiled over. She is still very cold to me physically and emotionally though...so my question to you guys. I dont know what to do at this point...if i get any more crazy I might push was little chance I might have to hold a family together away totally...I have focused so much time into my kid that I couldnt imagine having to drop him off at night instead of putting him to bed, and even though I hadnt showed it, she has always been part of the equation. Through all this I DO love her and want to make this work.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Exposé her to friends and family. She is cheating and lying about why your relationship is over.

Does this OM have a wife or gf? Exposé to her too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I suggest you start acting like you want to let her go, the perception of confidence in you willing to move on with out her may get her to think twice about what she is about to lose.
So stop begging for your marriage and distance your self from her.

First and for most is until OM is completely out of the picture you are in a losing battle. So start making this affair as inconvienent and as uncomfortable as possible by exposing it and filing for divorce..

I know I know thats the last thing you want to do, but until she sees the real consequences to her actions she will continue. Remember filing and having her served is completely different then when the divorce is finalized. There is a waiting period and during this waiting period your cheating wife may come turn a corner and work on the marriage.

Your wife is cake eating here and until you stop tolorating it by doing a 180 and filing she wil continue. The point to this tough love approach is to get her to think twice about her choices. Once she starts to second guess her dicisions and the affair become to complicated for her she may come back.

Your soft approach right now is not changing anything for your wife, she has it made and there is no reason for her to do anything different. So piss her off, her anger will be a good sign that her affair is not the fantasy she thinks it is and there will be consequences if it continues.

Can you see that you need to make some change in your self with how your wayward wife sees you?


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Your wife clearly has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Wife??? I didn't see where you were married.

Are you married or just living together?

Regardless, this relationship was doomed from the start. She cheated on her then current boyfriend to start dating you. You move away and she gets pregnant by old HS BF that she never lost contact with. You start banging your Ex. Now she is ready to move on again. She is telling you what she wants you to do and you are going along with it. Master manipulator.

You are both immature and no where near being emotionally able to share in a mutually productive relationship. Now she is moving on with her life. 

You are in love with the IDEA of being a family. What you had with her is not a family (unless you call a male, a female, and a child family). A family is a unit who loves, respects, supports and protects each other. You never had that.

You need to move on.


----------



## Ben Connedfussed (May 4, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Exposé her to friends and family. She is cheating and lying about why your relationship is over.
> 
> Does this OM have a wife or gf? Exposé to her too.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Exposure is the best... and critical!


----------

