# Lets ease into this?



## LilBit35 (Sep 27, 2010)

My WH just said that the only thing he can tell me right now is that he still loves me...that he enjoys spending time with me when we are NOT fighting. He wants to ease back into this...We have been married for 10 yrs togeather for 13 but he wants to ease back into this! He tells me do whatever I want that if I stay and have patience then it will all work out! He thinks that after he had the affair and moved out (the OW is no longer part of the picture) that I should just wait for it to happen, just ease into it and wait for it to all fall into place! Will that happen can everything just fall into place?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I don't believe it can on its own. You have to work at it.

He's saying that because he doesn't want the confrontation of what he did. He's got to man up, take the rough time that comes with an affair and work (both of you) aggressively to make the marriage work.


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## ldbg102 (Oct 15, 2010)

I'm not expert but I would let him know when you're having bad days and try your best to re-learn eachother. My husband kept saying "I'm just taking it one day at a time" everytime I wanted to talk about what he did and his feelings. I would apply pressure but not too hard as it may push him in the other direction and he'll think it's not worth it the trouble. 

I've noticed that leaking bits and pieces of my concerns into every day conversation is easier for him to digest than the constant nagging of "Why why why?" ...

Last night when he wanted to make a smart comment about my phone vibrating around 11:30 pm, I said "That was my notification that my battery is charged" -- he said "Mmm hmm sure it is" -- my reply "Look, I'm not like you, and I'm tired of you pushing your bad feelings about the choice YOU made, on ME. I didn't do anything so get a grip" .... He shut up. BUT it didn't make him confrontational as it may have done if I had been bugging him all day. 

Just my experience.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hi there, 
I think he can regain his feelings for you, I don't know how long the OW has been out of the picture, but he might be feeling a lot of withdrawal from that relationship ending.......this is normal...
I would suggest being the woman he fell in love with.....look good, smell good and just be understanding but there isn't wrong with agreeing to a time line on this let's say 6 months or so, if things aren't better for him in terms of how he feels about you then the two of you move on.......otherwise he might just stay where he is....
You are sure the OW is out of the picture, sometimes they just try to buy some more time with the OW just to figure out what they really feel.......
Is he being transparent.......
Are you willing to forgive and improve the relationship from your end?
Will he agree to some marriage therapy.....
Was the affair exposed?
Do you have children?


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Just know that he may be easily irritated by things you do if they are different then what the OW did that he liked. He may think in his head "well, she never would have said that" or something similar. I know that I would get so frustrated with my husband when he wouldnt talk with me, or allow me to seduce him for myself and for thinking about what the OM did with me and allowed me to do to him. It made me wonder about restarting things, but I didnt. I stayed focused and began to replace + thoughts of the other person with other things... he doesnt like football, doesnt even know the scores and I LOVE football, or it would be awful to live with a husband who was unemployed and cheating (he lost his job a few months after we stopped seeing each other). I actually feel sorry for HIS wife!

In other words, your husband will need to be willing to reframe how he views his time with the other woman. I can safely say that I am at a point where I wouldnt want to be "his" woman... it was ok being the side fling, but he is not responsible enough. 

That being said, he has to be over her in order to do that. I dont how long they were together and how long it has been since they stopped or how intense a connection they had.

It can happen, but he has to be open to it, and you have to be ready for it.


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## LilBit35 (Sep 27, 2010)

Ok so yes I am sure it is over with the OW....she dumped him and you all are right he went through a really tuff time when she broke up with him called and text all times of the day....they have had no contact since DDAY as far as I can tell which was 07/21/2010. I found out only after it had been fully over for 3 weeks but no physical contact since May. I didnt know that was the reason why he was so angry and moody but it makes since now!
He tells me that he Loves me and that yes he is in love with me...we have started the date nights and hangin out but I still go home to the home we bought and have shared togeather alone and he sits in his apartment....I dont know what he does there! I hate the things that go through my mind...I think is he texting someone else? He does still keep in touch with a girlfriend from before him and I met and I did call her and she said that nothing has gone on and he says the same thing but when I pull the cell phone records her number comes up often not every day and not all day but often...she told me that she thinks that if she told him that she wanted him back he would go in a heart beat so then what am I supposed to think...He said that isnt true but all he does is lie to me anyway!
We started seeing a new MC last night....she said to take moving back into the same house off the table that it isnt a option right now...I could tell he was happy with that answer! It just pissed me off and I wouldnt talk anymore! I dont think it is a good idea that he moves home until we can get along for more than a day but I also think he should have that as a goal...he told the MC that he is fine either way so to me it doesnt sound like he even wants to move back any time soon!
I was shocked when he made the next app because yesterday when I told him I found a new MC (he didnt like the first one) he fought me all the way...but I am glad that he likes this one even though I might not...I will give it some time!
She seems to be marriage friendly I think...I wont know beings she is new to us! She did ask if we were trying to R or part ways and he was the one that said R so that gave me a bit of hope...she kinda made me mad when she said that I will have to let the past be the past....its been a 3 months not so far past for me right now!
I drove him to his apartment and he kissed me and told me he loved me and I told him I loved him and I knew he was tired and didnt feel good but he asked me up to watch a movie and hang out which was really nice...we ate ice cream and talked he told me I could stay but I decided to leave on a good note...when I got home there was a text saying he had a good time and he loved me so maybe this MC is what we need!
I told her that I do not see R in our future if we keep fighting! She also asked me what was the one thing I needed for him to do this week that would make me feel better about us and I said stop hiding the phone, but Idont see that happening and his was for me to stop asking everyone what he has said or trying to get information...I told her that was the only way I got the truth and she said to try it for a week so I guess...
I am at a stand still I hate feeling this way...I just want my life back with out the lies and secrets and hes not there yet! I dont know if he even wants to be there.....


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I believe I can help you, LilBit35. 

I am going to suggest something that may sound a little radical, but please read to the whole end of the suggestion and think about it, okay? Just to be sure I have the facts straight, your hubby has moved out and is not living at home. He initially moved out because of his affair, but the OW broke up with him end of July. Right now, he's saying he wants to "ease back into" the marriage and you want him to stop jerking around and honor his vows!  Is that about it?

Before I tell you my radical suggestion, let me see if I can take a moment and explain what happened and maybe what's going on in his head. When you two were first dating, you and he fell in love because quite naturally your personality met his needs and kindled love--and his personality met your needs and kindled a big flame of love. We call actions that do that "Love Kindlers" and usually for the ladies it's actions such as he paid attention to you, told you that you were pretty, took you out places, did things with you, wrote poems or other sort of goofy lovesick things, and talked to you all night long about his deepest feelings. For guys it's often actions like you admired him, told him he was "big, strong, and handsome", you got all beautiful for him, you wanted to touch and kiss him--wanted him, you did things with him that you both enjoyed because you wanted to spend time with him, and it seemed like you understood him. Remember those "Love Kindler" days? You made the effort!

Then you two got married and without meaning to, along came life and added a few actions that sort of hurt. We call these actions "Love Extinguishers" because whereas the first action made the fire bigger--these actions make the fire smaller. So purely from HIS point of view only, before the kids came along, he maybe found out you were either a penny-pincher or couldn't stay to a budget...or you wanted HIM to stay to a budget and he didn't want to. You stopped getting all dolled up for him. And even though there were fewer fights, they took little chunks of his heart. Now I'm not saying he didn't also do these things to you, but rather I'm just focusing on his side, okay? 

Okay then came kids or work that took a lot of time. You were so busy with caring for the kids that you didn't spend time with him anymore, didn't want sex anymore, would barely touch or kiss him, and the fighting increased a LOT!  More and more chunks of his heart were being carved out. And JUST ABOUT THAT TIME, enter the OW stage left. Now she worked with him, so she already understood what he did and how hard it was. She admired him for working so hard and being so dedicated. She came to work looking good--even if she was a construction secretary, she wore low tops and tight jeans and wore a little makeup around him. She's compliment him, flirt, joke around and have fun. In contrast you yelled at him, focused on the kids not him, found all his faults, didn't want him to touch you. So it isn't hard to see that temptation overtook him and he chose the OW. 

For whatever reason the OW dumped him--probably she didn't really want to make a deep, committed relationship, just a roll in the hay! But whatever the reason, my educated guess is that right now your hubby doesn't have his needs met by the OW but wants to "ease into it" because a) he doesn't understand what commitment and honoring his vows really means and b) he doesn't see that *YOU *are meeting his needs either! Nothing personal, but since he left, it doesn't sound like he sees the changes in you or how you've addressed your own issues (if you have). 


THUS HERE COMES THE RADICAL SUGGESTION:

Rather than pushing your husband to come home trying to force him to come back and love you, I suggest you do literally a 180 degree turn from that position. To be specific, I suggest that you say something like: "Upon thinking about it this week, I think the MC was right: coming home at this time should be off the table. I need time to decide when and if I'd be willing to take you back. When I have decided my own boundaries, I'll let you know under what circumstances I'm willing to consider rebuilding a relationship with you."

This is NOT--I repeat: *NOT*--in an attempt to create jealousy! This is for three reasons: 1) You need some time away from him to determine what the Love Extinguishers were that you were doing to harm the marriage, 2) You need some time away from him to deal with your own issues and figure out ways to act differently toward him, 3) You need some time to demonstrate to him that you can stop the Love Extinguishers, start the Love Kindlers, and demonstrate that love can be rekindled and you are an attractive option. It's not a contest--he already committed to you. Now show him that honoring his commitment is an attractive things, something he would want to do!

If you take time now to understand the things you were doing that harmed the marriage, then you can learn to do better and NOT sabotage your own relationship. You can learn to stop the Love Extinguishers and restart the Love KINDLERS! And you can set for yourself what you are and are not willing to accept in a committed, life partner! This is not about controlling him or telling him, "You can not do this! You can not do that!". Nope, he's free to decide on his own what he will or will not do. This is about "In order to be with me in a committed, lifelong relationship, I need a partner who is transparent with me. I need a partner who gives 100% of his affection and loyalty to ME--no one else. And I will accept no less." It's about you. 

So first, I suggest taking moving back home off the table. He will move back when on your terms. And your terms are easy: 

*1) No Contact with any Other Woman* (for a while) until trust is restored. That means the ex he's been periodically contacting...and HE proves it to YOU not the other way around. You don't police him, snoop, etc. 

*2) Transparency until trust in his honesty is restored*. Okay quick clarification here: you don't have a trust issue, LilBit. You trust him--to be dishonest! So it's not a lack of trust, it's a lack of transparent honesty. Transparent honesty is letting your partner see the True You--who you truly are. Transparent honesty is sharing access to your accounts, sharing passwords, sharing email access, letting them see your phone, and demonstrating that you ARE where you say you're going to be...WITH who you say you're going to be with! And this isn't a one-way street: you share with him too. Let him into your email and share your passwords and phone too. 

*3) Commitment to actually working* on the marriage or whatever personal issues may come up. See part of the problem here is that he has ALREADY made a vow! He already promised you that he would love you and forsake all others, so part of the conditions to come back home would be re-committing to his vow! Also what we frequently see is someone who says, "Oh yeah I'll work on it in counseling I promise!" then go to MC, sit there like they're asleep, don't do the homework or personal work the counselor suggests, etc. Well *thats* surely not working on themselves or the marriage, is it? So before he can come home, you would need to see demonstrated work on himself and on making the marriage better. 

Did you do love extinguishers in the past? You betcha! But he did too--and the sooner you two both admit that there were issues on both sides and both of you focus on what you were doing and stop it--then the faster you'll recover.


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## LilBit35 (Sep 27, 2010)

Affaircare: I guess I will start with answering a few questions for you...no he did not move out in July when I found out he moved out Oct 1. I asked him for some time and space so he moved out! But you are right I would like for him to stop jerking around and honor his vows. 
And yes we did have a really good relationship when it first started out and YES we did fall into the black whole of marriage and neither one of us worked to keep it from going there! We didnt touch or kiss we barely talked for 4 yrs we just did our own thing!
I hate to say it but you are right about her also she did work with him and showe im the attention I failed to show him at home! 
I spoke with the OW she said she did not want to be with someone who wouldnt leave there wife...she said she gave him plenty of time to choose and to leave me and that she didnt love him she only liked the promises that he made her!
As far as the ex goes I dont think he would be willing to have NC with her but he doest hide that he talks to her anymore! 
He is working on the transparency-I think he still sees it as me snooping for now but the MC did bring that up! I do have passwords to his email and he does let me know were hes at and I can verify that! As far as the phone thats a big one for me...that is how he and the OW kept the affair going...they would send naughty pics and sext and text and whatever else you do on those damn things! Anyway he still has a hard time letting that go...and I have a hard time dealing with that.
We both have come a long way since I have found out it just is so much work....more than I ever dreamed I thught it would be me just forgiving the A but its not it is so much more than that and I didnt realize that I just thaught we had a crappy marriage and we would be togeather til death do us part....little did I know he was creating a death of his own so to speak with the OW.
I am going to think about the 180 its hard for me cause we just started really talking and hanging out and enjoying each other and I dont want to harm that....we havent fought in 4 days which right now is a HUGE deal...we have hung out and talked we are taking baby step and as far as MC he did talk he talked a lot this time which was nice....I was the pissie one this time.
I think that you are right about him not coming home for a while and I guess maybe never...I am coming to terms with that it just stinks right now....


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