# Wife moving parents in behind my back.



## Henderson (Dec 4, 2015)

3 years ago my wife and I had offered to take in both her elderly parents (Mom and Dad). It was a good opportunity as we were just two people with no kids and looking to buy a home. We looked at many homes that would accommodate 4 people to our living styles and even went to escrow on a home. At some point they backed out and said they wanted to live on their own.

Fast forward to today - we decided to rent and not own. Its a small house, 3 bedroom 1400 sqft. We also have a kid now and her mom has been diagnosed with cancer.

So suddenly my wife tells me that her parents are moving in without even asking me. I guess everyone assumed that the offer made 3 years ago would stand until the end of time. 

Today I found out that they have gone as far as to sell their home (It is pending escrow) so they are moving in within the next 30 days if I like it or not. 

Compounding to the problem is the fact that my wife makes more money than me and she gives me this "I make more money so I decide what to do with the home" attitude. There is really no talking any sense to her on this subject. Other than this, we have a very solid relationship.

I feel really frustrated that this all went down behind my back. Now I'm sure im going to be responsible for planning and logistics of their move. I have no idea where they are going to put their stuff, but I assume we will somehow have to fit it all in here with their dog and two other cars... I have no idea how we will fit 5 people, 3 dogs, and 4 cars here.. (HOA says no street parking)

I'm also not thrilled about how they spend their personal time, watching fox news all day. Which wouldn't be a big deal if they had their personal space in a bigger home. But we will be sharing one TV.

Also, I run a business from my home in our 3rd room, which I will now have to give up. Which means I will have to rent an office space or work from my closet. Or, maybe my son could lose his room.


And I hypothetically asked if her mom could watch the kid if she moved in and the answer was NO. - We pay $600/mo daycare

I need some solid questions to ask her and myself.
Thanks


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You're going to have to start growing a backbone.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Depends.

How close she is with her parents, what other options they have available... How well off they are... How much is the difference between your incomes. If she's a surgeon and you're a fireman its a bit different.

I would say find the closest 1 bedroom apartment near you and offer that, with them footing the bill. I've had my in-laws for a couple months at a time in a far larger house and it was ugly.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

john117 said:


> Depends.
> 
> How close she is with her parents, what other options they have available... How well off they are... How much is the difference between your incomes. If she's a surgeon and you're a fireman its a bit different.
> 
> I would say find the closest 1 bedroom apartment near you and offer that, with them footing the bill. I've had my in-laws for a couple months at a time in a far larger house and it was ugly.


First things first. Her arranging this without asking is extremely disrespectful. Second, having another man living in the house, her father no less, sets the wrong tone. Who's the man of the house now? Maybe he should find a close apartment and move in to it himself.

Funny thing, my wife won't have sex when she's in the same house as her parents. I make all of the money. I'm not sure if she knows how poisoned the well is here, but as much as I like her parents, they will NEVER live under my roof. If I pay the mortgage, I'm the only adult male living in the house, period.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I had my mother-in-law living in our home for 4 years and was able to deal with it but I was asked and set down reasonable conditions. With the love I felt, I was able to accommodate and accept a lot of things, particularly those that could not be changed sch as the nature of my mother in law's illness. First, you have to have this out with your wife, because a marriage cannot work with her dominating you. Your mother should be able to assist with babysitting, and you need to be able to discuss how the house runs. Otherwise, count on hearing about Hilary, Bengazi and the Emails 15 times a day. You need to able to watch shows when you want. 

What's happening with your love life. If you tell me its great, maybe I'll chalk this up to the stress of her mother's illness and a misunderstanding about whether the prior proposal would apply today. If you tell me its' lousy, then you have real problems in your marriage, and you need to much more assertive. For the most past, things worked in my situation because I had the ability to set some reasonable requirements and our marriage was an equal arrangement.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

When does your lease end? 

Can you use your bedroom as a dual bedroom/home office? 

My 'guess' is that it might make sense to rent a storage unit until moving into a bigger place. 

Then again, renting a small office will ensure your sanity 




Henderson said:


> 3 years ago my wife and I had offered to take in both her elderly parents (Mom and Dad). It was a good opportunity as we were just two people with no kids and looking to buy a home. We looked at many homes that would accommodate 4 people to our living styles and even went to escrow on a home. At some point they backed out and said they wanted to live on their own.
> 
> Fast forward to today - we decided to rent and not own. Its a small house, 3 bedroom 1400 sqft. We also have a kid now and her mom has been diagnosed with cancer.
> 
> ...


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Henderson said:


> Compounding to the problem is the fact that my wife makes more money than me and she gives me this "I make more money so I decide what to do with the home" attitude.


Omg...NO NO NO!!!! Your wife needs to change her attitude NOW!! I'm a SAHW, if my husband tried to pull that line on me, or the old chestnut "I pay the mortgage, I make the rules" I'd tell him exactly where he could stick his plans...omg. No. Just. No.

Your wife should have discussed this with you before suggesting anything to her parents. You need to discuss this with your wife, and have a meeting with her and the parents outlining your disappointment at not being consulted on this and boundaries/expectations going forward.

Eek...I would never, ever live with my inlaws...I can't see how this could go well...particularly given that you were given no say in it.

I'm gobsmacked.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

OP, no, just no. I'm with frusdil on this. However, I don't think your wife will change her attitude.

You'll have to decide what you're going to accept and act accordingly. A first step would be to insist that the MIL helps out with the child, thereby reducing the costs of having them there.

Also, don't take charge of the planning and logistics. She moved them in without asking you so let her deal with it.


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## princevinco (Jul 7, 2014)

This is a pathetic situation. Of a truth, I don't think your relationship with her is real marriage rather you are co-habiting with her. If not how can she take such an action without consulting you as to make plan especially for your own business. 

In other ways round, the action of your wife clearly shows that she is no more interested in her marriage with you as the implication of her action means that you should move out if you don't accept the decision she had taken.

To me, the long-term solution is that you should pay the prize, and raise money even if through loan and rent another apartment. Move into the new apartment and if she is still interested in marrying you, she will move in with you, if not let her stay with her parents.

A real marriage relationship, couple concerned should have a mutual understanding/agreement concerning certain issues that affect both parties. If her decision is allowed to stay, she had sowed a seed that is capable of crashing the marriage.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Why would anyone expect a woman suffering with cancer would be able to look after a toddler? Compassion, anyone? You worked from home and couldn't look after your child.

Have a severe, serious conversation with your wife about how this went down. Don't take care of their moving arrangements - that's on your wife. Tell your in-laws to bring their own tv and hook it up in their bedroom.

My in-laws stayed with us for a month and I don't know who wanted to run away more - my husband or myself.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

What you should do is tell her that you do not want her parents to move in. In your opinion it would be "better for all of us" if they move closer but rent their own space such as a house or an apartment. Tell her there are too many downsides for your family and no upsides. When she tries to confuse her parents with her family, remind her of the defintion of family as you see it (hint your family and her family are you, your wife and your child). Leave the conversation for her to decide to put the needs of her parents over the need of her actual family (husband and child).

Once she flat out states that she is going to put the needs of her parents in front of the needs of her family, then you can make decisions of how you will operate. At that point I would be looking for an apartment that you can go to whenver you don't feel like dealing with her parents. And any conversation that ever takes place in your life that seems to go in a direction that your wife makes more money and gets a greater say in family decisions needs to be shut down by you.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

While I agree with everyone here saying no way, wow your wife has some balls, whats the prognosis of your mils cancer? What's her treatment plan? If she weren't sick, I could totally understand your request for her watch your child. But given that she is sick, I don't think that was a fair request.

That said, do they have the means to get a small place close to you? If not, Sit your wife down and both of you come up with ground rules. And discuss them with the in laws. make sure everyone is on the same page. And since she's made this decision on her own, the logistics of the move are on her. And don't take your sons bedroom away.

Hate to be debby downer, but if you don't take control of this situation fast, this could be the demise of your marriage. It was very disrespectful for your wife to decide this on her own.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Henderson said:


> 3 years ago my wife and I had offered to take in both her elderly parents (Mom and Dad). It was a good opportunity as we were just two people with no kids and looking to buy a home. We looked at many homes that would accommodate 4 people to our living styles and even went to escrow on a home. *At some point they backed out and said they wanted to live on their own.* Did they turn this down specifically due to inheritance issues? Is your wife an only child?
> 
> *And I hypothetically asked if her mom could watch the kid if she moved in and the answer was NO. - We pay $600/mo daycare
> * Could both grandparents watch your son?
> ...


I agree with the others, your wife is being unfair with you. All I can say is imagine what Plan B might be for you, because as you negotiate with your wife,you may have to pursue Plan B in order to maintain your boundaries,.

I think too many people idealise taking care of their parents until death. Western society is way too independent to put up with that stuff to any great degree.

When my mother made the decision to move my grandmother halfway across the country to live with /or at least in the same city as she and my father, lots of people told me, oh at her age, she's not going to stop smoking. Yeah, really, so why do my parents have to put up with that?

Somehow or other, I have trouble imagining some newly minted middle aged patriarch of the family somewhere in the US or even in Asia or anywhere else in the world putting up with his mother-in-law's disgusting habits so that he can brag about how he takes of his family.

But of course, some people will try to lead you to believe that.

My father ended up putting her (she refused to stop smoking, in the house,in any case) out and for a few years she lived in a really nice complex dedidcated to assisted living. 

My parents (really my father, since my mother had not worked outside the him since the '50s) paid whatever shortfall her retirement funds (of hers and of her late husband).

Since my grandmother at one time doubted his suitability as a husband while he was a poor med student, it was especially annoying knowing that her son (my mother's brother) was doing f--- all as she was aging.

I sympathise that you are in a more nuanced situation. And I'm not sure what to suggest. IT seems that your wife is ready to pull rank because she makes more money. Could that be because you paid for her education /training? Did she accept right from the beginning that you were in a lower paid career? 

One other problem that I see is your working from home. Since that was practically unheard of in our parents' generation, you will probably get nothing done at home once they move in. Not only will your in-laws not babysit their grandson, bu they will be expecting you to babysit / entertain them all day.

Hopefully, you will get some useful advice from here and other sources that will help you frame your discussions with your wife.

But at least you can see here, not everybody is willing to put themselves out there - no holds barred -- and the let the older generation just walk over them.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I think your wife is totally wrong on all accounts. Moving in parents behind your back the one thing that pissed me off was reading that she through in your face that she makes more money than you, no woman should ever make their husband feel degraded and the same goes for men and their wives. 

I'm a women and for some reason her statement about money really got to me, it shows no respect what so ever toward you and i hope she does not always speak to you that way especially in front of your child. I would for sure be stepping up and telling her/them what the rules will be, you are the man of the house.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If my wife tried this, it would be "They go, or I go." Her decision - and attitude - is unreasonable, disrespectful, manipulative, coercive, and shows contempt for you. Heck, I might just leave and file for divorce in your shoes. Edit: Actually, I think your marriage is over - you just may not know it yet.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I just remember how in Mad Men, Don Draper looked so macho telling his FIL that he will stay with them.... or something like that.

But while I was watching it, I thought to myself, those days are over with.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Honestly the parents should have asked you personally if you were on board before selling their house. They're just as disrespectful. They must not think much of you.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

While I agree that the circumstances surrounding this completely reeks of disrespect and inconsideration, your MIL could very possibly be dying of cancer. I'm sure it was not an easy decision for them to give up their own space, and humbling to have to ask for help.

My advice would be to sit down with your wife, tell her the current arrangements will not work, and find a way to buy a house to accommodate all needs (in-laws footing down payment and closing costs? Possibly more.) The childcare situation could work possibly with the grandfather being involved, but I agree with a few others that it is not fair to ask someone suffering with cancer to watch a toddler. Very possibly there needs to be a hired caregiver as well, because taking care of ill, injured, or elderly people is HARD and will wear tremendously on everyone in the household.


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

Would she have gone behind your back if she earned less than you and you didn't have the child together? I doubt it.

Rent your own place and leave 'em all to it.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Henderson said:


> Compounding to the problem is the fact that my wife makes more money than me and she gives me this "I make more money so I decide what to do with the home" attitude. There is really no talking any sense to her on this subject. Other than this, we have a very solid relationship.


The first part is really bad. She made a serious power play using the money card.

The last part about having a solid relationship is good but I don't believe it. If she respected and loved you, she would have discussed it with you ahead of time.

The second worst event in my marriage was when my wife did a very similar thing. She decided to buy a fixer upper rather than keep renting. Though I was ok with the concept, she picked a particular house which I knew was a disaster but she insisted on buying it. She said since she made the money that paid the rent she was going to move. I didn't have to go with her but she wondered how I was going to pay rent and feed myself.

Your wife has done the same thing to you, putting you in your little puppy kennel while she is your Master.

You have several options here. One is to just say no. The other is to tell her that since she has decided to do this based on her making more money, she can pay the rent on the office space you will have to rent. Or, her parents watch your child so that you can use the child care money to pay office rent (but I think you will lose out big time on a tax credit if you do that). 

I would start with telling her it is unacceptable that she made this decision without you. Her parents moving in has an enormous impact on you, your child, your marriage, and your business. I would tell her MC is a requirement at this point.

One compromise could be for you to move to a larger apartment so that there is room for her parents. Her parents could buy their own tv for their room, and they can buy headphones to listen to their tv without disturbing your work. But I wouldn't offer this compromise without first talking about how damaging her actions have been to your marriage.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Wow that is just over the top. Just two quick questions

So how long as your wife looked down on you?
Do you know the reason why she does?


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