# Help with snooping! Really stressed



## stressed_hubby (Jan 26, 2013)

So my wife lives in a different state as she is going to college. Two weeks ago she tells me she loves me but she is not in love with me. I feel more like her brother/parents etc. I want to investigate the possibility of an affair. But since I live far away, how do I go about doing it? The only thing I can do is look at her phone record online. I see her getting regular texts from a number. I suspect if it is an affair, it must be this number. But how do I conform it? What are my options? Needless to say that I am devastated at his moment.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Google the number. Put it in quotes. Try all combinations of no spaces, with spaces, with dashes and with() around the area code. Go on facebook and sear h it. Cell #'s you can pay to get the name, a dollar or two. The phone could be in another name than the user, such as a parent or spouse. You'll have to dig more when you get the name on the account. People will list their # in craigslist ads etc so you have some chance of getting the info with the free web searches.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stressed_hubby (Jan 26, 2013)

Thank you for your help Thor. I already paid to get the name. All I got was First initial and the last name. I dont know what else to do after that. There are many people with that first initial and last name.


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

Hmmm...google the number, OR better yet, call the number and ask for your girlfriend by name withot revealing your true identity. No matter who answers, tell them you met this girl (describe her briefly) and had sex and she gave you this number! Next, quickly call your girlfriend and she if she gets another call. May not give you any proof, but just may in the coming moments. Either way, who cares, she'll not know it is you if you block your number when you call the other number. Think of it as reciprocating the NILWY part.

Does she have an iphone with the find my iphone app? If so, go to icloud.com and enter her apple id if you have. You will then be able to track the location of her phone using gps.

I've never used paid services to look-up a phone number so I can't tell you how good they are. Maybe enter the number in spokeo or pipl (.coms) if they offer that option and maybe find if its a dude or not?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

The area code and next 3 digits should link to a town. Google the initial and last name plus the town. It may give you more data. The town is not perfect though. Try the name plus the name of the school your lady attends. Try facebook.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stressed_hubby (Jan 26, 2013)

Thanks for your input whatslovegottodowithit,

I know for a fact its a guy. I called the number and a guy picked up. She doesnt have an iphone. She has an android device. So knowing its a guy, what should be my approach?


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## stressed_hubby (Jan 26, 2013)

Thor,

I already googled it. No results!!


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Rules: Never reveal your sources. Do not confront until you have very strong evidence. Secure your evidence via multiple copies etc.

Could you take a few days off of work to drive to her location for a surprise visit?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Your wife living in another state is a killer. The comments that she made to you is typical of a person in an affair. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.

I would suggest that you contact an attorney to understand your options and how to protect yourself financially. Good luck.


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## stressed_hubby (Jan 26, 2013)

Thanks bryanp. I will definitely look at my options.

Thor, I am scheduled to go see her on February 21st. I hope its not too late. I know for a fact that there was nothing going on just a month ago. It all started few weeks ago. Also just last monday she scheduled to spend the spring break with me in March. She had a perfect excuse to spend it in the city she is in. Why would she choose to spend the spring break with me? Its all confusing. Is there any hope?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

It's an affair alright. When she gives you the ILYBINILWY speech it's a done deal. She's finished shopping, taken a test drive, and is ready to check out. 

How long have you been married? Any kids?
How are finances? Who has/makes the money?

If you have enough cash on hand hire a PI to research the number. It won't take him/her more than an hr @ about $250/hr. 

In the meantime cut off her credit cards. You extend credit to your wife/lover not to your "sibling" or friend. Consult a lawyer to see what your rights & responsibilities are. 

These actions are direct consequences.

When you know who this guy is, ask her to explain herself and the relationship with OM. Tell her you are willing to work on the marriage but it can no longer be a long distance marriage. 

If she won't put her education on hold while you BOTH work on your marriage, then you effectively have no marriage to work on. 

Don't accept any baloney about growing apart. She chose to get closer to someone else. That's not the same as "growing apart".

Act as if you have confidence even if you don't. 

DO NOT BEG. 

DO NOT CRY

DO NOT PLEAD 

Do speak calmly and rationally. You don't have to make a scene. She is either committed to the marriage or she's not.


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## stressed_hubby (Jan 26, 2013)

@walkonmars

She already told me 2 weeks ago that she no longer wants to stay married. I convinced her to try for some time. She then said that she will see me during spring break and then we would see where we stand. Her college finishes in May so its just 3 more months. There is no way she will drop out of college just 3 months before graduation. She has worked really hard on her education. I am the one who makes money in the family. To answer your other questions, we have been married for 1.5 years and been together for 3 years. Our marriage is failing because of me though. She is an amazing women. I am the one who treated her really bad. I feel like **** and have nothing but regret and guilt.


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

stressed_hubby said:


> Thanks for your input whatslovegottodowithit,
> 
> I know for a fact its a guy. I called the number and a guy picked up. She doesnt have an iphone. She has an android device. So knowing its a guy, what should be my approach?


Gosh, best I can dream up is maybe call and say that (give the initial and last name) was given as a reference for a job? Ask a few vague items like is she trustworthy (Lol, and sorry guy), dependable, etc...(usual job ?'s) End the call be stating that (insert your gals name here) has you listed as her boyfriend, is that correct? If so, now you know. If not, ask what his relationship to her is then. 

***If it's not likely she's looking for a job, say you're from another college/university admissions...I'm brainstorming here***
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Stressed your rough ages?

Mars is likely right I'm afraid.

Sorry to say your response likely made her see you as weak.

Your marriage is failing because of you?? 

Have any friends in that town?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

What did you do to treat her bad? 

Who paid for her education?

Get a PI. Don't meet with her or even bring up this situation until you know exactly what you're dealing with.

Does she have a car?


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## stressed_hubby (Jan 26, 2013)

@weightlifter I am 31 and my souse is 24. Yes I do have friends in that town but how would that help?

@Machiavelli, yes she does have a car. She got student loan for her education but I paid for all her living expenses and everything.

I have anxiety issues and I read news on the internet of young girls getting abducted. That scared me. I started calling her several times a day to make sure she is OK. She told me several times that she is an adult and can take care of herself but I didnt listen. Even when she came to visit me, I would tell her not to leave the apartment without me. I always feared for her safety. I also never helped her with house chores. I also never respected her opinion on money issues. She would try to save money but I would spend it uncontrollably. I never listened to anything she said. I used to get angry at trivial issues. She never ever initiated a fight with me. It was always me who started a fight. But I never imagined all those issues will push her to other man. 

I regret deeply what I did. I am willing to change my behavior now. I am also working on my anxiety issues. But it seems its too late. I have never been so sad in my life. All I feel is sad and guilt. I am absolutely crushed and have considerable difficulty in functioning. I cant eat, cant sleep..


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Well, your failings may be cause enough for her to divorce you, but her affair, if she's in one, is strictly her failure. 

If you find out she's in actually having an affair, would you want to divorce or still try to reconcile?


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## stressed_hubby (Jan 26, 2013)

Machiavelli,

I treated her horribly during marriage. I dont blame her for anything. I should have known better. So if she has an affair, I will forgive her. If she wants to reconcile, I would be really happy. If she doesnt, then I wish her good luck and truly hope that the other guy doesnt fail her like I did.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Well, the only possible path to reconciliation goes through investigation and confrontation. Get the PI or put a VAR under her car seat. You'll get your facts and can go forward from there. The odds will be against you still, but you may be able to break up the affair.

In the meantime, quit talking to her.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

By the way, I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You, almost always, like 99.8% percent of the time, = affair.

People who are unhappy with their spouse but not cheating just usually don't use that phrase. They say, "I'm really not happy with our marriage," "We've grown apart," and stuff like that (which a cheater might also say), but very rarely do they pull out the ILYBINILWY.

It would be best to assume that she is having an affair.

You have the means to pay for her living expenses, so find the means to hire a private investigator. It won't take long - she lives in another city and probably is not hiding it from anyone.

When was the last time you visited her and saw her living arrangments?

She told you she's not in love with you, which implies that she will be leaving you soon, but she still expects you to pay for her until she graduates?

I wouldn't read anything into her supposed plans to see you during her break. Those plans could change in an instant. Maybe it is her guilt talking, when she says she will come to see you, maybe in her mind it is to see you face to face one last time before she graduates and leaves you, maybe her other man is visiting his family during break. It could be almost anything, and when the time gets closer, she may change her mind.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> By the way, I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You, almost always, like 99.8% percent of the time, = affair.
> 
> People who are unhappy with their spouse but not cheating just usually don't use that phrase. They say, "I'm really not happy with our marriage," "We've grown apart," and stuff like that (which a cheater might also say), but very rarely do they pull out the ILYBINILWY.
> 
> ...


Right .... not being "in love with you" means she is comparing your relationship to the one she has with her lover. It wouldn't be her thought process otherwise. Affair ... it's happened and is happening.

Be strong. I'm sorry.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Double Post


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## stressed_hubby (Jan 26, 2013)

Thanks for your input Will Kane. I visited her in beginning of May. Everything seemed fine then. She lives with a girl. I know that girl. Also, the phone texts from the other guy started 2-3 weeks ago. I don't think she had anything to do with that guy before this time. My guess is that its an emotional affair so far. Is there a possibility to stop it at this point? Whats the benefit of hiring a private investigator? Is it just for confirming the suspicion?


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## stressed_hubby (Jan 26, 2013)

Justsomeguywho,

Thanks for your encouragement. I am trying to stay strong. But its really hard. I already have anxiety issues, and on top of this! But the toughest thing to deal with is my guilt. She is the nicest women I know. She has never ever raised her voice to anyone. Very soft spoken and kind. If only I had been nicer to her, she would have stayed. I dont know if I ever be able to get over this regret. I also feel sorry for her. She had so many hopes and dreams in our marriage. But I failed her.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

The private investigator - it's to find hard evidence so you can confront her, get her to admit the truth, and move on faster. Most betrayed spouses want to know the truth of what happened, even if they don't want to reconcile.

I would assume it's physical. I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You usually means a physical affair. A 24-year-old who is in direct contact with someone she feels strong emotionally toward is not going to withhold physical contact. A lot of girls I used to know had a three-date rule. It's probably a lot more than three dates over three weeks for your wife. And you really don't even know if she is having an affair with THIS GUY, ANOTHER GUY, or NO GUY.

I thought you were interested in reconciling. If so, you have to find out the truth and, if there is an affair, try to end it.

If you don't have kids, and she is cheating on you, then I wouldn't even try to reconcile. You seem to want to anyway.


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## stressed_hubby (Jan 26, 2013)

will kane,

Thanks again for your input. I don't have any kids. The only reason I want to reconcile is because I messed up this marriage. If it wasn't my fault, I would have felt different. I am not angry at her at all. This experience certainly made me aware of my flaws. I am working on them. But this is the last time I will ever marry. I don't ever want to experience this pain.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There is a book that would give you some good guidance, "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Harley. In your situation I think it would be very helpful.

How long have to two of you lived apart?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

For whatever faults you had, cheating on you was not right. If she wanted to leave you, then she should have done that without cheating. And we don't even know for sure that she cheated, we're just assuming based on past experience with similar situations.

Since you do want to reconcile, you need to find out what's going on so you can plan your actions accordingly. If she's cheating, you've got to break up the affair before anything else will work. If she's not cheating, you've just got to get her to give you another chance to prove you've changed.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

stressed_hubby said:


> @weightlifter I am 31 and my souse is 24. Yes I do have friends in that town but how would that help?


Free low level investigating. No substitute for a real PI but if money is an issue... I came here to find info and got the VAR idea for the brother of a friend who was being cheated on. Armed with bad bad info about the affair from the VAR, another friend followed her to the hotel and got pictures of her walking in "While she was seeing a friend" 

Yea a friend with boner.


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

Why do men/people always want to "change" once it's too late? Why did you treat her so badly????


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Kimberley17 said:


> Why do men/people always want to "change" once it's too late? Why did you treat her so badly????


Huh?!!! :scratchhead:


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

SomedayDig - OP said he treated her badly throughout the marriage and he now feels guilt since he pushed her away. He is NOW willing to change. So, my question is why now?? Didn't he realize he was treating her badly sooner? He even said he didn't think his treatment of her would make her go to another guy. Not that going to another guy is right but why did he take her for granted to begin with?


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

I guess I find it funny that you said "Why do men/people" instead of saying "Why do men/women". Just seemed a bit odd to me that you didn't say women. 

As for treating her badly, no it's not right for her to go outside of the marriage. He's here asking for help with his anxiety about his wife possibly having an affair. Don't turn the tables just yet. Unlike some, at least he sees his faults and regardless of _when_ he realized it seems immaterial at this point.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Ohhhh...wait a sec...now I get the "Why do men/people" comment. You cheated on your overweight husband who you weren't in love with any more.

I get it now. You see the OP as kinda like your ex-hubby.

Carry on.


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## stressed_hubby (Jan 26, 2013)

Kimberley17 said:


> Why do men/people always want to "change" once it's too late? /QUOTE]
> 
> I think people act according to their nature. And to change your nature, you need a very strong motivating factor. I think separation from spouse is a very powerful motivational factor for many, including me. Hence, I was not motivated to change until this point.
> 
> ...


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## stressed_hubby (Jan 26, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> There is a book that would give you some good guidance, "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Harley. In your situation I think it would be very helpful.
> 
> How long have to two of you lived apart?


Thanks for suggestion EleGirl. We have lived apart for 2 years now.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Dude...it is NOT your fault that she cheated. That is 100% totally her bag. You may have not done the dishes enough or whatever and for that you are responsible for 50% of the marital issues.

BUT!!!! You are in no way whatsoever responsible for her infidelity. Period. Don't let her or anyone else make you feel any differently.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

OP, what's your testosterone level? Ever had it checked?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

OP, what's your testosterone level? Ever had it checked?


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

SomedayDig, what does me cheating on my husband have to do with anything? And you are correct, I do view him like my husband as far as never treating me as an equal with money, not willing to change until it was too late, etc.. And even if I said men/women it still doesn't change the fact. Why are YOU so bitter? Bet you were cheated on and are overweight.


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

Kimberley17 said:


> SomedayDig, what does me cheating on my husband have to do with anything? And you are correct, I do view him like my husband as far as never treating me as an equal with money, not willing to change until it was too late, etc.. And even if I said men/women it still doesn't change the fact. Why are YOU so bitter? Bet you were cheated on and are overweight.


OMG, look who calls other people bitter.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Kimberley17 said:


> SomedayDig, what does me cheating on my husband have to do with anything? And you are correct, I do view him like my husband as far as never treating me as an equal with money, not willing to change until it was too late, etc.. And even if I said men/women it still doesn't change the fact. Why are YOU so bitter? Bet you were cheated on and are overweight.


LOL. Actually, I'm more of a fitness buff than most. 34" waist and 47" chest. 12% body fat checked back in November - maybe 13-15% now cuz it's winter and I'm not out riding my bike as much and I hate the snow.

Yep. I was cheated on. Guess what? Absolutely none of it was my fault. It was my broken wife's fault. She'll tell ya that. I'm far from bitter, though. I simply call sh-t when I see sh-t. Can't point the cursor back at yourself?


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

You're right and I apologize...


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## Louise7 (Nov 8, 2012)

stressed_hubby said:


> Thanks for your input Will Kane. I visited her in beginning of May. Everything seemed fine then. She lives with a girl. I know that girl. Also, the phone texts from the other guy started 2-3 weeks ago. I don't think she had anything to do with that guy before this time. My guess is that its an emotional affair so far. Is there a possibility to stop it at this point? Whats the benefit of hiring a private investigator? Is it just for confirming the suspicion?


Yes, you need to confirm what you suspect. Call the number but make sure your number is blocked. He is almost certainly another student so say you are from the university administration office and need to confirm some details like full name, age, address. If you are uncomfortable doing that, get a friend to do it, preferably female. Once you have that info, you are one step closer to finding out the truth.

By the way, your behaviour may have caused problems in your marriage but they did not cause your wife to accidentally allow another man to bed her. If that is happening, she is responsible - not you.


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

SomedayDig I never said the cheating was my husband's fault. EVER. I simply posted asking why do men/people only seem to 'get it' and want to change when it's too far gone or too late? I said "men" before people because it was a male OP. Nothing more, nothing less.


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## Louise7 (Nov 8, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> LOL. Actually, I'm more of a fitness buff than most. 34" waist and 47" chest. 12% body fat checked back in November - maybe 13-15% now cuz it's winter and I'm not out riding my bike as much and I hate the snow.
> 
> Yep. I was cheated on. Guess what? Absolutely none of it was my fault. It was my broken wife's fault. She'll tell ya that. I'm far from bitter, though. I simply call sh-t when I see sh-t. Can't point the cursor back at yourself?


I have just started riding a bike again for the first time in 25 years. I have waaaaaaaaaay more body fat than you and my chest (more fried eggs than boobage you inderstand) isn't close to 47 - more like 34. I'm sort of glad I have the body fat as when I fell off the other day, the padding around my back end was good. It didn't stop the road grit in my palms though. I got straight back on and carried on pedaling. Personally, I reckon that's the way to deal with life.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Here you are saying that you never helped with the chores and that is a reason for her to be mad. Did she ever say anything to you about this?. In another place you say that you have lived apart for the last two years and have been married for 1.5 years.

I am confused. What chores did you not help with that could have made a difference if you live apart?

How many times have you actually seen her in the last two years?

If you have been living in two different States for the last two years and did not spend that much time together, why did you get married?

It really looks to me like she has been using you to finance her expenses while going to school and now when she is about to graduate it is time to cut and run and get on with her life without you. Sorry.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Louise7 said:


> I have just started riding a bike again for the first time in 25 years. I have waaaaaaaaaay more body fat than you and my chest (more fried eggs than boobage you inderstand) isn't close to 47 - more like 34. I'm sort of glad I have the body fat as when I fell off the other day, the padding around my back end was good. It didn't stop the road grit in my palms though. I got straight back on and carried on pedaling. Personally, I reckon that's the way to deal with life.


Dday was an eye opener to me. I began to work out extremely hard...way more than the P90X that I had done a year previously. I hit the gym with a vengeance and started hitting a heavy bag in our garage. That was really good for exorcising a lot of anger I had over her 5 year long affair.

I dropped so much fat it was awesome, even though I didn't have a ton to begin with - the typical spare tire! At 5'11" and 207 any typical graph will say I'm obese. Don't follow those internet graphs because they don't take body type into consideration. My bench press isn't great because I have long arms, but it's not about that to me. My biceps are 16" and my calves are 17". 

Use a good protein supplement and a quality pre and post workout formula. I like Jack3d (that is the correct spelling) for a pre workout and BSN Cellmass.

Ride your bike in the 90 RPM range consistantly. It will do wonders for your weight loss. Find a cadence meter to help you with that.

sorry for the threadjack...


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Kimberley17 said:


> SomedayDig I never said the cheating was my husband's fault. EVER. I simply posted asking why do men/people only seem to 'get it' and want to change when it's too far gone or too late? I said "men" before people because it was a male OP. Nothing more, nothing less.


Kim, unles you posted it as a rhetorical question it's f'in human nature. People usually change when they are forced to. I'm sure it also aplies to you. It's a human being thing, not a wayward nor betrayed thing. We become complacent, go with the flow, rarely challenge ourselves, need 2x4s often...
Many others don't change even after the 2x4. I'm glad OP is willing and able to see his own shortcomings. It means he will be OK no matter what.


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## Louise7 (Nov 8, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> Dday was an eye opener to me. I began to work out extremely hard...way more than the P90X that I had done a year previously. I hit the gym with a vengeance and started hitting a heavy bag in our garage. That was really good for exorcising a lot of anger I had over her 5 year long affair.
> 
> I dropped so much fat it was awesome, even though I didn't have a ton to begin with - the typical spare tire! At 5'11" and 207 any typical graph will say I'm obese. Don't follow those internet graphs because they don't take body type into consideration. My bench press isn't great because I have long arms, but it's not about that to me. My biceps are 16" and my calves are 17".
> 
> ...


I like the idea of a cadence meter but I'm not sure about all the protein stuff. I have no idea if I am overweight. I'm 5'3" and weigh 110lbs. I just want to feel a bit fitter is all.

Yeah, sorry about the thread hijack...


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

Louise7 said:


> I have just started riding a bike again for the first time in 25 years. I have waaaaaaaaaay more body fat than you and my chest (more fried eggs than boobage you inderstand) isn't close to 47 - more like 34. I'm sort of glad I have the body fat as when I fell off the other day, the padding around my back end was good. It didn't stop the road grit in my palms though. I got straight back on and carried on pedaling. Personally, I reckon that's the way to deal with life.


I love fried eggs!


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

Kimberley17 said:


> You're right and I apologize...


You're a Big Girl! :toast:


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

2asdf2 said:


> I love fried eggs!



:slap::rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

This is a unique situation being it’s a long distance relationship and technically rather new. 

Odds are things like 180 and confronting with evidence and demanding the go to MC/IC and do NC isn’t really going to do anything. She most likely completely detached and being busted for having and A is going to do very little. I don’t see much motivation for her wanting to R outside of financial. I feel any direct tactic to get her to R will fail.

I would suggest giving up and asking for a D regardless of an A or not. Tell her you understand she is not happy and you were not the best husband and blah blah blah and you should end things as quickly and painlessly as possible. Take charge in going through with the D.

This will do a couple of things.

First: It will show her that you have changed (or are changing) by doing something for her benefit instead of your own. You are D’ing her so she doesn’t have to deal with your “issues” anymore. If you simply say you’ll change and attempt to show her your changes by addressing your issues directly she’ll think you are bluffing or acting out of desperation. Giving her freedom to find someone else and not worry about you will make her do a double take because it will be unexpected.

Second: Reverse Psychology. People in affairs (or basically in general) don’t like to be told what to do or have someone take control even if it’s in their best interest. She will most likely resist you if you push for a D (might not at first) even if that’s her game plan simply because you want to call the shots. When a spouse tells you “I want a divorce” they expect you to fight them on it (otherwise you would have asked them first). When you agree and say “I think that’s the best thing for us” it takes the wind out of their sails. It makes them question their own importance in the relationship if you can easily give them a D without a fight.

If there's a chance for an R, it will be from you walking away from her and she chasing you.

That being said if she is cheating considering your situation you really do need to D her. She would have been shown to be untrustworthy which is not something you want in a wife. Also avoid marring anyone under 25, their brain isn’t fully developed yet so they can tend to be unstable. Food for thought.


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## stressed_hubby (Jan 26, 2013)

TDSC60 said:


> Here you are saying that you never helped with the chores and that is a reason for her to be mad. Did she ever say anything to you about this?. In another place you say that you have lived apart for the last two years and have been married for 1.5 years.
> 
> I am confused. What chores did you not help with that could have made a difference if you live apart?
> 
> ...


We have been living apart but she did spend all summer and other breaks with me, so we have spent quite some time together. She did complain about my behavior several times. She was bringing up for the past 1 year. But I didnt pay attention to what she was saying. She even told me during the summer that she is loosing attraction to me because of my behavior but I never though it would end our marriage so soon. I thought when she finally moves in with me after her education, everything will be fine. I really dont think she was using me. When she decided to get married to me, I didnt have full time job and was in no position to help her. In fact she financially helped me to move to other state when I did get a full time job. Also once I got the job, she stopped receiving need based financial aid because of my income. As a result she has to take out student loan. She knew all this before going into marriage. But at the time we were so much in love, we just wanted to get married.I know her really well. There is no way she will ever use anyone.


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## stressed_hubby (Jan 26, 2013)

ArmyofJuan said:


> This is a unique situation being it’s a long distance relationship and technically rather new.
> 
> Odds are things like 180 and confronting with evidence and demanding the go to MC/IC and do NC isn’t really going to do anything. She most likely completely detached and being busted for having and A is going to do very little. I don’t see much motivation for her wanting to R outside of financial. I feel any direct tactic to get her to R will fail.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your input Armyofjuan! I probably will never marry anyone again. Marriage is hard work and if it results in D so often then its not worth it.


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## stressed_hubby (Jan 26, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> Dude...it is NOT your fault that she cheated. That is 100% totally her bag. You may have not done the dishes enough or whatever and for that you are responsible for 50% of the marital issues.
> 
> BUT!!!! You are in no way whatsoever responsible for her infidelity. Period. Don't let her or anyone else make you feel any differently.


Thank you for your kind words Someday! Cheating might be her fault but making this marriage weak was mine. If I had work harder on this marriage and made sure she is happy, she probably wouldnt get influenced by other men.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

stressed_hubby said:


> Thank you for your kind words Someday! Cheating might be her fault but making this marriage weak was mine? If I had work harder on this marriage and made sure she is happy, she probably wouldnt get influenced by other men.


Can you guarantee this 100%? Nope.
Do I need to get the threads with successful guys, that did the dishes, talked to their wives, gave up their careers, and set no boundaries who are in the same boat?

I am not saying you didn't contribute, but to think that if you'd been better at this, this and that is an unknown because it still may not be true.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

stressed_hubby said:


> Thank you for your kind words Someday! Cheating might be her fault but making this marriage weak was mine. If I had work harder on this marriage and made sure she is happy, she probably wouldnt get influenced by other men.


You're welcome, man. Now read PBS's comment below...



phillybeffandswiss said:


> Can you guarantee this 100%? Nope.
> Do I need to get the threads with successful guys, that did the dishes, talked to their wives, gave up their careers, and set no boundaries who are in the same boat?
> 
> I am not saying you didn't contribute, but to think that if you'd been better at this, this and that is an unknown because it still may not be true.


Except for giving up my career - this was ME! Oh, honey I'll do the dishes and clean the cat sh-t...you wanna go out with the girls til 3am? Okay. You've supported me so much while I'm on the road as a pilot flying to all kinds of exotic places I owe you soooo much!

F'ng BLECH!!! At times when I'd get off a 2 week trip I'd give her a night in a local nice hotel to have a quiet night. I did that about 10 times. TWICE she had the f'ng OM over to bang her.

It's NOT YOUR FAULT bro. It's not.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

stressed_hubby said:


> Cheating might be her fault but making this marriage weak was mine. If I had work harder on this marriage and made sure she is happy, she probably wouldnt get influenced by other men.


No, you're taking on way too much responsibility for her choices. Plenty of people in really bad marriages living under the same roof do not choose to have an affair. They either divorce or they figure out a way to make the marriage tolerable.

Yes you screwed up your side of the marriage. Go ahead and be angry for a short while at yourself. Seek some therapy and maybe meds for your anxieties. You can transform yourself into a better man.

Your wife being young and around lots of single people at a university kind of doomed your marriage. Too much temptation. Whether or not she's cheating doesn't matter much if she has checked out of the marriage, which she probably has.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

hubby, I would suggest that your best bet is to surprise her and turn up, or hire a pi and get this nailed. If you turn up, the first thing you do is demand her phone off her and see what correspondence is going on. If she won't give it you, you have your answer. And if she won't give it, I would suggest physically taking it from her. I think in this situation it is acceptable to do that. If you don't, she will ensure all is deleted in preparation for you looking, and I have a feeling that not seeing her texts and calls, seeing all deleted, would not be confimation for you that there is something serious going on. 

Now, you may not have been the best husband that walked this earth, you may have taken her for granted, you may have not listened to her opinions on financial matters (is this due to the fact it was your money? what input did she want? BTW, in my opinion, once you are a solid couple all is shared...the work, the money....but if you dug your heels in due to the fact it was your money this is understandable, but totally selfish if all she was doing was try and do correct things for the money and not have you whittling it away on fripparies and whatever you pleased. That attitude is for single people) but none of these things mean that she can just go out and cheat. If it is such an issue she cannot take, then she should have left. Surely that would have woken you up too? Surely this is a better way to inform you she is unhappy? 

Cheating on you is NOT the way you inform someone that you are unhappy with them.

So, all your talk is that you are on the back foot. You are regretful. You are scared. You are desperate to keep hold of her.

This is TOTALLY the wrong attitude and even if, in your weak state of mind you win her back, you will then find yourself wondering through the rest of the marriage when she will do it again. You will panic everytime she is unhappy that she is now looking outside the marriage. 

What you need to do now is come from a position of strength. Yes, apologise for the way you have treated her. For taking her for granted. Offer that change to her. BUT, you need to be angry that she cheated. You need to ensure this path is not followed again. You need to make sure you and she puts in boundaries, deal with the issues. If she still loves you she will love you more if u come from a position of strength. If you are angry, and rightfully so, at what she has done. If you do not offer consequences to her actions (btw this will not push her away. If she loves you she will come back willingly. It will build you a stronger marriage to move forward with. You WILL regret it if you don't place any consequences. You will regret it the moment her foot is back in the door) she will see you as weak and there will be NOTHING to stop her doing this again. And if she sees you as weak she will see you as less attractive and whatever reasons she comes back for she will respect you less once home and your marriage will not be on equal footing. 

You want her to come home to you, and if/when she does, for you to be on equal footing, at least kind of. She should really be on a less equal footing due to the betrayal. She needs to do some major work to ensure this is not her get out clause when things are jot going well. 

But essentially, your needs need to be as important as hers. 

The way you are heading, if she comes home, she, having done something totally outrageous, will continue to be in control. And you will be on the back foot and be unable to make any demands on her regarding the affair or how you move forward from it. This would be a HUGE mistake. You need to be strong. For the sake of you, her, and your marriage. 

BTW, you checking on her and being worried about her is lovely. It is NOT terrible behaviour. She should have felt loved by that.


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

stressed_hubby said:


> Thanks for your input Armyofjuan! I probably will never marry anyone again. Marriage is hard work and if it results in D so often then its not worth it.


If you want kids, marriage is the way to go. If not, don't even bother.

Look, marriage is hard work. Reconcilliation makes it even harder. So, your relationship is not that long, there are no kids and your wife is in a different state most of the time. Why even bother with trying to R or make her break out of her affair? There are loads more women who will be more compatible for you. Just divorce and put your needs first for a while.


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## stressed_hubby (Jan 26, 2013)

Shadow_Nirvana said:


> If you want kids, marriage is the way to go. If not, don't even bother.
> 
> Look, marriage is hard work. Reconcilliation makes it even harder. So, your relationship is not that long, there are no kids and your wife is in a different state most of the time. Why even bother with trying to R or make her break out of her affair? There are loads more women who will be more compatible for you. Just divorce and put your needs first for a while.



Her college finishes in May after that she was going to move in with me. The reason I want to reconcile with her is because I love her deeply. I cant even think about other women at this moment. I dont want kids though. So if this marriage doesnt work, I dont ever want to get married.


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## stressed_hubby (Jan 26, 2013)

Remains said:


> hubby, I would suggest that your best bet is to surprise her and turn up, or hire a pi and get this nailed. If you turn up, the first thing you do is demand her phone off her and see what correspondence is going on. If she won't give it you, you have your answer. And if she won't give it, I would suggest physically taking it from her. I think in this situation it is acceptable to do that. If you don't, she will ensure all is deleted in preparation for you looking, and I have a feeling that not seeing her texts and calls, seeing all deleted, would not be confimation for you that there is something serious going on.
> 
> Now, you may not have been the best husband that walked this earth, you may have taken her for granted, you may have not listened to her opinions on financial matters (is this due to the fact it was your money? what input did she want? BTW, in my opinion, once you are a solid couple all is shared...the work, the money....but if you dug your heels in due to the fact it was your money this is understandable, but totally selfish if all she was doing was try and do correct things for the money and not have you whittling it away on fripparies and whatever you pleased. That attitude is for single people) but none of these things mean that she can just go out and cheat. If it is such an issue she cannot take, then she should have left. Surely that would have woken you up too? Surely this is a better way to inform you she is unhappy?
> 
> ...


Thank you for taking the time to write me this response. Regarding financial issues, all she wanted me to do was to not waste money on movies and stuff and save it to pay our debt. I think she made great points, but I didnt listen to her.


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## Louise7 (Nov 8, 2012)

stressed_hubby said:


> Thank you for taking the time to write me this response. Regarding financial issues, all she wanted me to do was to not waste money on movies and stuff and save it to pay our debt. I think she made great points, but I didnt listen to her.


Oooookay, so you bought movies, maybe a beer or three, maybe even...cookies!!! Oh wow, I don't mean to laugh but I thought we were talking about you being a serious liability with money. Please, do this old girl a favour. Go out and buy a movie and some popcorn and invite some friends over and...dare I say this...ENJOY YOURSELF! When you've done that, come back and tell me how it is that this entitles your wife to check out of your marriage.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

I think we will all concede that you were a poor husband. Inattentive and lazy. Okay? 

NOW

She has morals, integrity, a sense of right and wrong. I think most reasonable people will agree that conducting extra-marital relations - sexual or emotional (granted not yet proven but the red flags are there) indicates a loosening of morals, a lack of integrity and a disregard for right/wrong. 

YOU seem to have the attitude that "_oh well, I had it coming, it's totally understandable_." 

I think most of us are saying "hold on hubby. Think twice. First find out IF she is conducting an EMR". Then think hard on how that reflects on her morals. Your morals are not measured by how much help you offered or how attentive you were.


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

Louise7 said:


> Oooookay, so you bought movies, maybe a beer or three, maybe even...cookies!!! Oh wow, I don't mean to laugh but I thought we were talking about you being a serious liability with money. Please, do this old girl a favour. Go out and buy a movie and some popcorn and invite some friends over and...dare I say this...ENJOY YOURSELF! When you've done that, come back and tell me how it is that this entitles your wife to check out of your marriage.


He's clutching at straws at the moment. "If I hadn't raised the toilet seat, maybe she wouldn't have left me!" 

OP, I really suggest you read the "No More Mr Nice Guy" book. You obviously have no idea of putting yourself first and letting go of others.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

stressed_hubby said:


> The reason I want to reconcile with her is because I love her deeply. I cant even think about other women at this moment.


This is a position of weakness, especially if you convey it to her like that. Whether accurate or not it comes across as needy and insecure.

The way to approach an R is if she adds positive value to your life you want to continue the marriage. Note that this is a real positive not a lack of negative. D means some negative things, so avoiding D is avoiding the bad stuff that goes with it. THAT is not _adding value_ to your life, it is avoiding the negatives.

So when you think about it yourself and when you express it to her, it should be in regards to the positives. You want to be married to a great woman and you want a great marriage. There are things about her you like. Make a list of those positives which bring extra to your life. Yes loving her is a positive because it makes you feel good. But it is not the big part of what the good stuff should be.

As long as she does not cross boundaries and as long as she continues to bring positives to your life, R will continue. This changes the tone from you chasing her out of desperation or insecurity into you wanting her _as long as she meets your requirements in a good wife_.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

stressed_hubby said:


> Thank you for your kind words Someday! Cheating might be her fault but making this marriage weak was mine. If I had work harder on this marriage and made sure she is happy, she probably wouldnt get influenced by other men.


 Oh please. People CHOOSE to cheat. That is a character flaw. Stop being so beta.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

We are all asuming she's having an affair. It's more likely. An exit affair.
She's has been warning him for ages, this summer she already gave him a different version of the ILYBIANILWY. And there wasn't any OM (for what OP knows).
She had to move in permanentlty this May. After all OP is telling us it's very likely she has been thinking about that date for a while. He claims he believed things would fix itself once she moved in (magical thinking) while she was hating the thought of being together 24/7. 
I have the sense it was coming with or without affair. She's likely using OM as a catalyst, liquid corauge to end things.

I'm sorry man, I see little hope here.


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## stressed_hubby (Jan 26, 2013)

Acabado said:


> She had to move in permanentlty this May. After all OP is telling us it's very likely she has been thinking about that date for a while. He claims he believed things would fix itself once she moved in (magical thinking) while she was hating the thought of being together 24/7.


I see your point. But she was determined to come back here when she came in the winter break. When I went to drop her after the break, she was crying. Also, in the winter break, she brought a lot of her personal stuff and left it here thinking she is moving here in May. I am 100% confident that she was planning to move here regardless of our issues. Something changed in last 3-4 weeks. The warmth and affection that I felt from her towards me disappeared in just last 3-4 weeks. You can tell how someone feels towards you by their actions.


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## stressed_hubby (Jan 26, 2013)

One of my friend has advised me to talk to a lady who my wife is really close to and ask for help. Will that be a good move?


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Any insight helps, man.

If you sensed a change within the past few weeks, then something obviously happened. Dude...she's AWAY from you at college. You know what happens at college right?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

stressed_hubby said:


> Something changed in last 3-4 weeks.


Yeah. She met someone who fits her better (in her mind).


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## stressed_hubby (Jan 26, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> Any insight helps, man.
> 
> If you sensed a change within the past few weeks, then something obviously happened. Dude...she's AWAY from you at college. You know what happens at college right?


Yes, I am sure she met someone. I just bought plane ticket to fly to her town tomorrow and talk to her. She has no idea I am coming. She will be shocked to see me. I hope this plan doesnt backfire and drives her further away. Right now she is at least thinking about coming to see me on spring break. I was first gonna wait till spring break to take any action. But I noticed she exchanged 50 text messages with that guy yesterday. They are texting each other more and more frequently. I need to go talk to her.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

stressed_hubby said:


> Yes, I am sure she met someone. I just bought plane ticket to fly to her town tomorrow and talk to her. She has no idea I am coming. She will be shocked to see me. I hope this plan doesnt backfire and drives her further away. Right now she is at least thinking about coming to see me on spring break. I was first gonna wait till spring break to take any action. But I noticed she exchanged 50 text messages with that guy yesterday. They are texting each other more and more frequently. I need to go talk to her.


Man, you can't drive her any further away. the guy is probably on top of her right this minute. When you show up, she's going to be pissed. The only way to win it is to go in and say "I know everything. I'm divorcing you."


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## stressed_hubby (Jan 26, 2013)

Machiavelli said:


> Man, you can't drive her any further away. the guy is probably on top of her right this minute. When you show up, she's going to be pissed. The only way to win it is to go in and say "I know everything. I'm divorcing you."


I think your suggestion is good. But I really don't have any concrete proof that she is cheating except the text log. I don't have access to the content of those text messages. I will go and have a hard talk with her though. Tell her strictly that I know I made mistakes, but marriage is about learning from them and correcting them. You cant just quit marriage because you dont feel spark for them. The spark can always be generated, if a person is committed for it. I am a young, educated and fit guy. I can also easily go find other women. But I made a commitment to her and never sought company of other women.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

stressed_hubby said:


> I think your suggestion is good. But I really don't have any concrete proof that she is cheating except the text log. I don't have access to the content of those text messages. I will go and have a hard talk with her though. *Tell her strictly that I know I made mistakes, but marriage is about learning from them and correcting them*. You cant just quit marriage because you dont feel spark for them. The spark can always be generated, if a person is committed for it. I am a young, educated and fit guy. I can also easily go find other women. But I made a commitment to her and never sought company of other women.


Wrong approach. She's much more at fault than you were. You have to go into this confrontation with cool confidence and the moral high ground. Which you have. Don't give it up. No other approach will work. It's your best chance, small for sure, to get her to confess. Your approach will just get you gaslighted. a WW will not respond well to such an approach.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

stressed_hubby said:


> I think your suggestion is good. But I really don't have any concrete proof that she is cheating except the text log.


Are you married, or not?


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## stressed_hubby (Jan 26, 2013)

turnera said:


> Are you married, or not?


I am married. Why?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

stressed_hubby said:


> I think your suggestion is good. But I really don't have any concrete proof that she is cheating except the text log. I don't have access to the content of those text messages. I will go and have a hard talk with her though. Tell her strictly that I know I made mistakes, but marriage is about learning from them and correcting them. You cant just quit marriage because you dont feel spark for them. The spark can always be generated, if a person is committed for it. I am a young, educated and fit guy. I can also easily go find other women. But I made a commitment to her and never sought company of other women.


 No offense, but you don't seem like an alpha male. That is what attracts women. Not just young, educated, and fit. SOMEone came in all alpha and swept her off her feet.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

stressed_hubby said:


> I am married. Why?


Because a married man doesn't allow his wife to have an undending text stream to another man without blowing up (respectfully) about it.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

stressed_hubby said:


> I think your suggestion is good. But I really don't have any concrete proof that she is cheating except the text log. I don't have access to the content of those text messages. I will go and have a hard talk with her though. Tell her strictly that I know I made mistakes, but marriage is about learning from them and correcting them.


Wrong. Weakness.

Assuming she has not had a nasty affair yet... you can win her back by being strong and confident. The way to do this is to show divorce is not only a possibility for you, it is your current expectation.

Obviously her texting this guy has crossed a line in your mind. It is not acceptable. You are flying out to deal with it because it is so far over the line!

This is where you make your stand. Texting another male is *not acceptable*. You don't have to say anything more really. Tell her she has crossed the line in her behavior and ask does she have anything to say for herself.

Don't expect an instant miracle btw. My wife took 12 days to start wearing her wedding rings again after I confronted her. Expect your wife to not be happy. It is not a bad thing.

Her actions are not loyal to the marriage. That is by definition an infidelity. She doesn't have to be screwing the football team to call it infidelity.

I would approach this as her actions are not acceptable, I want both of us to work hard at getting the marriage back on track. But these disloyal actions are not acceptable.

If she continues to text after your talk you will know there is at least an EA in progress.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

stressed_hubby said:


> One of my friend has advised me to talk to a lady who my wife is really close to and ask for help. Will that be a good move?


Caution. This friend is probably loyal to your wife, not loyal to you. Do not divulge anything you might not want your wife to know. Expect this friend to tell your wife immediately the contents of your discussion.

Things like you not knowing if there is an affair will get passed on. If there is an affair your wife will then know you don't have solid proof. Any specific worries you have will get passed on. Any plans or decision conditions will get passed on.

I would ask this friend open questions and let her talk. "Has my wife told you about any outside friendships". "Has my wife told you what changed a few weeks ago".


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## stressed_hubby (Jan 26, 2013)

Thor said:


> Caution. This friend is probably loyal to your wife, not loyal to you. Do not divulge anything you might not want your wife to know. Expect this friend to tell your wife immediately the contents of your discussion.
> 
> Things like you not knowing if there is an affair will get passed on. If there is an affair your wife will then know you don't have solid proof. Any specific worries you have will get passed on. Any plans or decision conditions will get passed on.
> 
> I would ask this friend open questions and let her talk. "Has my wife told you about any outside friendships". "Has my wife told you what changed a few weeks ago".


Thanks for your suggestions Thor. Today my wife is not responding to my text or phone calls. She was promptly responding till yesterday. She exchanged 50 text messages from this guy yesterday. That was the first time they exchanged so many messages during a day. And now my wife doesnt pick up my phone. I wonder if today was the day when her EA turned PA. I had originally scheduled to be there today but at the last minute I postponed my plan for next week. Had I not postponed my plan, may be I could have been their to stop the PA. But anyway, whats done is done. Right now I am sitting at the airport waiting to catch the 6 am flight. Its 10 PM here so I will have to wait for a while. It will be a long night.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

turnera said:


> No offense, but you don't seem like an alpha male. That is what attracts women. Not just young, educated, and fit. SOMEone came in all alpha and swept her off her feet.


Oh good lord. I know plenty of non-"alpha" guys who are happily married or have no problem with the ladies. This guys a wreck and you are essentially telling him he is weak, that's why he lost his wife, and he'll never get laid again. Yes, we know "alpha" guys attract the women ... be careful what kind of woman you attract. No matter how much the "big dog" you are, there is always someone bigger.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

stressed_hubby said:


> Thanks for your suggestions Thor. Today my wife is not responding to my text or phone calls. She was promptly responding till yesterday. She exchanged 50 text messages from this guy yesterday. That was the first time they exchanged so many messages during a day. And now my wife doesnt pick up my phone. I wonder if today was the day when her EA turned PA. I had originally scheduled to be there today but at the last minute I postponed my plan for next week. Had I not postponed my plan, may be I could have been their to stop the PA. But anyway, whats done is done. Right now I am sitting at the airport waiting to catch the 6 am flight. Its 10 PM here so I will have to wait for a while. It will be a long night.


Good luck. 50 text messages is a very bad sign. Not responding to you pretty much verifies that. This is going to be hard but whatever you do just know that she is 100% in the wrong. If it's over, its over. You'll do just fine.


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## stressed_hubby (Jan 26, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Good luck. 50 text messages is a very bad sign. Not responding to you pretty much verifies that. This is going to be hard but whatever you do just know that she is 100% in the wrong. If it's over, its over. You'll do just fine.


Thanks for your kind words JustSomeGuyWho. This forum has been really helpful. People here are really compassionate and helpful.

I am mentally preparing myself for the worst. Right now I am completely devastated and full of guilt and regret. Today I couldn't control and started crying in-front of my co-workers. Any tips on how to move on? I really want to get rid of this pain.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

stressed_hubby said:


> Thanks for your kind words JustSomeGuyWho. This forum has been really helpful. People here are really compassionate and helpful.
> 
> I am mentally preparing myself for the worst. Right now I am completely devastated and full of guilt and regret. Today I couldn't control and started crying in-front of my co-workers. Any tips on how to move on? I really want to get rid of this pain.


I don't know if this will help and it may sound silly but if it was me I would start by focusing on the positive things in my life ... not the things you wish would have gone differently or what you've lost or what could have been ... and be grateful for them. I have a good friend who made it a habit to write down 3 things every day that he was grateful for. I started doing that. It takes awhile but eventually it starts changing your mindset. You can't change the past but you can take control of your future. I know another guy who told me he locked himself in a room for several hours and would not come out until he had written down a list of goals / what he wanted out of life. I think that is a good idea too. As crazy as it sounds, he also made a list of qualities/attributes that he wanted in a wife AND a list of the qualities/attributes of the kind of guy that would attract that kind of wife ... and he worked on the second list first before he started dating. True story. It worked. I've never done that but it struck me as a pretty good plan. You might find that the woman you describe is NOTHING like the woman you married. I would start by making changes in my life that I always wanted to make, no matter how small ... in fact, the smaller the better because they are more achievable. Small changes applied over time become big changes. I would post reminders of those things on my bathroom mirror so that I saw them every day. I would *believe *that by doing those things I am becoming better every day. Setbacks are temporary if you continue down that path. Forgive yourself for making mistakes. The whole point in any of those things is to start focusing on the positive instead of the negative. Sounds silly but the more positive things you fill your brain with, the less room there is to dwell on the negative. Not only will you be young, educated and fit ... but you will have a positive outlook and gain confidence. The pain of your loss will become a memory that doesn't get recalled very often. Sounds easier than it is so the trick is to consider yourself a blank slate, start small and work at it. Just my two cents.


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## stressed_hubby (Jan 26, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> I don't know if this will help and it may sound silly but if it was me I would start by focusing on the positive things in my life ... not the things you wish would have gone differently or what you've lost or what could have been ... and be grateful for them. I have a good friend who made it a habit to write down 3 things every day that he was grateful for. I started doing that. It takes awhile but eventually it starts changing your mindset. You can't change the past but you can take control of your future. I know another guy who told me he locked himself in a room for several hours and would not come out until he had written down a list of goals / what he wanted out of life. I think that is a good idea too. As crazy as it sounds, he also made a list of qualities/attributes that he wanted in a wife AND a list of the qualities/attributes of the kind of guy that would attract that kind of wife ... and he worked on the second list first before he started dating. True story. It worked. I've never done that but it struck me as a pretty good plan. I would start by making changes in my life that I always wanted to make, no matter how small ... in fact, the smaller the better because they are more achievable. I would post reminders of those things on my bathroom mirror so that I saw them every day. I would believe that by doing those things I am becoming better every day. Setbacks are temporary if you continue down that path. Forgive yourself for making mistakes. The whole point in any of those things is to start focusing on the positive instead of the negative. Sounds silly but the more positive things you fill your brain with, the less room there is to dwell on the negative. Sounds easier than it is so the trick is to consider yourself a blank slate, start small and work at it. Just my two cents.


Thank you for your valuable suggestions JustSomeGuyWho. I will try to follow them. I will try to focus on the positives in my life. I think time will also have to play a role to heal this wound. The hardest part will be to forgive myself for the mistakes I made that cost me such a wonderful women. But if I have to move on at all, I will have to somehow forgive myself.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

If you're really curious, get "spoof call". Then call her number "from" the number showing up on the bills. See how she answers the phone. Most people in "relationships" will answer with a "hey babe" or something similar.

But, she's told you what you need to know. "I love you but I'm not in love with you" is probably the #1 catch phrase a woman uses when she's getting ready to leave for another man she has already been sleeping with.

She's texing another dude non-stop.

That plane ticket you bought? Get a refund or tear it up. No matter what is going on, this "grand gesture" of flying out to "suprise her" only works in the movies. In reality it will only make you look weak, insecure, and pathetic. And it's gonna piss her off no end, and justify (in her mind) even more why she has decided to step out on you.

This "amazing woman" is cheating on you. I promise you, you will not see her as "amazing" once you have beaten yourself to death with worry, horrible visions and thoughts, and having been strung along by her because you cried, moped, begged, pleaded and she promises to "give it another try" just long enough to get your ass back on that plane so she can continue screwing this other guy. None of this you will see until you pull your head out of your azz (no offense, we've all been there) and snap yourself out of this fog and dream that she's "amazing".

Trust me here...your absolute best and ONLY chance of snapping her out of her affair fog is to go black on her. Completely. Have her served with divorce papers, and then do not call her, write her, contact her, and do not take her calls, answer her emails, etc. IF, and this is a big IF, she wants things to work out, HER ASS WILL BE ON A PLANE TO SEE YOU!!! 

Listen, this goes against all the bullchit romantic crap you see in the movies and that your mom told you. But it is the right step. In the real world, any guy chasing a woman who doesn't want him is seen as pathetic and weak. There is NO ROMANCE about it in a womans mind. What she will think is not "ohhhh, he's so romantic"....she will be thinking "holy chit, STALKER!!!!" And the same friends she's now telling how wonderful, funny, romantic, smart, big d!cked this new guys is, she will be telling how pathetic, clingly, needy, and stalker-ish you are.

Drop her now like a hot rock. A woman will not take time to think about you in an attractive light when you're reinforcing her negative thoughts with more negative thoughts! Do you get that? Only in your complete absence, when she's no longer obsessed with what you have done wrong AND CONTINUE TO DO WRONG will her mind go to what you used to do right!

I understand love. I also, however, understand it is a two way street. I've been there, and I will NEVER again give a woman a second serious thought when she shows she does not love me or is not loyal to me. 

One of my favorite quotes from Robert Redford in the movie "An Unfinished Life"....



> There is nothing as pathetic as a man who chases after a woman who doesn't want him.


...or something like that. Now, it (looking "pathetic") may not be important to you how others view you in your pursuit of this woman (or any woman), BUT, it IS VITALLY important in how said woman views you!

Sorry man. Women who are not screwing around do not act like this. And as she seems to be, you will certainly not snap her out of her fog by reinforcing negative feelings about you by chasing after her. Go silent, and maybe, maybe you'll have a chance. IF you even want her back after you settle down and think about it...


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

stressed_hubby said:


> Thank you for your valuable suggestions JustSomeGuyWho. I will try to follow them. I will try to focus on the positives in my life. I think time will also have to play a role to heal this wound. The hardest part will be to forgive myself for the mistakes I made that cost me such a wonderful women. But if I have to move on at all, I will have to somehow forgive myself.


You do need to forgive yourself ... but it's like I said, you can't change the past ... the only thing you can control is what you do from this point forward.

It also came to me that a vacation might be in order. Get away to someplace different. Doesn't have to be expensive ... just different. An adventure. Take a buddy. Anything to get you away from the things that remind you of what happened and clear your mind a bit ... snap yourself out of the "woe is me" fog that is all too easy to fall into. You might find it easier to think straight and more objectively when you get back.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

donny64 said:


> If you're really curious, get "spoof call". Then call her number "from" the number showing up on the bills. See how she answers the phone. Most people in "relationships" will answer with a "hey babe" or something similar.
> 
> But, she's told you what you need to know. "I love you but I'm not in love with you" is probably the #1 catch phrase a woman uses when she's getting ready to leave for another man she has already been sleeping with.
> 
> ...


I agree with this. Personally, I think that once you start thinking objectively, you will realize she is not the "amazing" woman you think she is and you are not the bad guy you think you are. An amazing woman would not do this; she would have the self-respect to divorce you first if she felt that way about you. She lacks character. Not only is she in a "fog" ... but you are too. If you are going to go out there, I wish you the best of luck ... I really do ... but I also think the next contact you should have with her is divorce papers. I would then focus on you.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

You better listen to Danny64, he is spot on. The woman that you married no longer exist! There is a POD PERSON that will lie to you, steal your money, piss on you and your history and make the rest of your life hell. Trust me I know.
I want you to pull that yellow and black handle, and eject her out of the co pilot seat..NOW!...You can do this, you are stronger than you think. Don't say "But I love her!" She doesn't exsist anymore, pull the handle!


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## stressed_hubby (Jan 26, 2013)

donny64 said:


> If you're really curious, get "spoof call". Then call her number "from" the number showing up on the bills. See how she answers the phone. Most people in "relationships" will answer with a "hey babe" or something similar.
> 
> But, she's told you what you need to know. "I love you but I'm not in love with you" is probably the #1 catch phrase a woman uses when she's getting ready to leave for another man she has already been sleeping with.
> 
> ...


After reading your advise I postponed my trip for a day to think things through. I just got back from the airport. The reason I wanted to fly there is to stop her affair if it is in the beginning stages. I am 100% convinced that 2 weeks ago when she was just confused. She had more warmth for me. She was replying to my calls and texts immediately and was actually taking a little bit of interest in my life. If I had gone to see her and spend a week or two week with her, I could have jolted her back to reality. I didnt go at that time because I wanted to give her some space. But it seems that with time, she is getting more and more distant. So I was hoping when she actually sees me in person, things might change. That's one of the reasons I wanted to fly there. You dont think I can stop the affair if it is indeed in the beginning stage?


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## stressed_hubby (Jan 26, 2013)

DavidWYoung said:


> You better listen to Danny64, he is spot on. The woman that you married no longer exist! There is a POD PERSON that will lie to you, steal your money, piss on you and your history and make the rest of your life hell. Trust me I know.
> I want you to pull that yellow and black handle, and eject her out of the co pilot seat..NOW!...You can do this, you are stronger than you think. Don't say "But I love her!" She doesn't exsist anymore, pull the handle!


I will try just once more David. After that I will definitely try to do what you suggest.


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## stressed_hubby (Jan 26, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> You do need to forgive yourself ... but it's like I said, you can't change the past ... the only thing you can control is what you do from this point forward.
> 
> It also came to me that a vacation might be in order. Get away to someplace different. Doesn't have to be expensive ... just different. An adventure. Take a buddy. Anything to get you away from the things that remind you of what happened and clear your mind a bit ... snap yourself out of the "woe is me" fog that is all too easy to fall into. You might find it easier to think straight and more objectively when you get back.


I was actually thinking about going to see my family. They live in another country so the environment will be completely different. I will do that once the affair is confirmed and she finally tells me that she wants to get divorced.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

stressed_hubby said:


> After reading your advise I postponed my trip for a day to think things through. I just got back from the airport. The reason I wanted to fly there is to stop her affair if it is in the beginning stages. I am 100% convinced that 2 weeks ago when she was just confused. She had more warmth for me. She was replying to my calls and texts immediately and was actually taking a little bit of interest in my life. If I had gone to see her and spend a week or two week with her, I could have jolted her back to reality. I didnt go at that time because I wanted to give her some space. But it seems that with time, she is getting more and more distant. So I was hoping when she actually sees me in person, things might change. That's one of the reasons I wanted to fly there. You dont think I can stop the affair if it is indeed in the beginning stage?


Just my opinion, but the only way to, as you say, "jolt her back to reality" is to give her a big old painful dose of it. And you do that by showing her there are consequences for her actions.

And again, in just my own experinces and opinion, once she's hit this stage of "I love you but I'm not in love with you", she has already seriously "bonded" with this other guy, and is in the deep "fog". Cheaters, as I saw written here once, are like monkeys. They swing from branch to branch, not letting go of one until they have another firmly in their grasp. She's letting you go, and trying to do so gently for you (AND to keep you, on some sick level, as a support network. A fall back position). At this point, you going there will likely do more harm than good to snap her out of this or "bring her back to reality". She needs a wake up call. The BEST way to give virtually any woman a wake up call is to make them think you ARE OVER THEM and are MOVING ON. Women HATE that chit. And instead of being comforted by the fact that she knows you're still there and she has "time" (because you're showing her you're still on her hook) if things don't work out with the new guy, she will then INSTANTLY be made aware that TIME IS UP. This guy that she has history with is LEAVING, and she'd better be damned sure that's what she wants. 

Be advised that IF you do this, and she feels you're gone, she MAY try to reel you back in with breadcrumbs. She'll try to give you just enough to keep you hanging on until she is ready to let go of that branch (you). Don't fall for it. Now is the time for it to be your way, or the highway. 

Good luck man. I know it is very hard to believe this works when you're in pain and all you can see is the "love of your life" walking away hand in hand with another man. But, at this time more than ever, it is THE time to look out for yourself and prepare yourself to move on. And mean it. You may THINK your best interests are with this "amazing woman" that cheats on you, but you will see as time goes on just how wrong you were to think that.

If she's worth it, and she feels you're worth it, she'll come crawling back. But you need to give her that "opportunity" to do so. If she doesn't do so, then she was never worth it in the first place, was she? (Hint here....you may not LIKE the answer to that, but you already KNOW the answer to that).


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## stressed_hubby (Jan 26, 2013)

donny64 said:


> Just my opinion, but the only way to, as you say, "jolt her back to reality" is to give her a big old painful dose of it. And you do that by showing her there are consequences for her actions.
> 
> And again, in just my own experinces and opinion, once she's hit this stage of "I love you but I'm not in love with you", she has already seriously "bonded" with this other guy, and is in the deep "fog". Cheaters, as I saw written here once, are like monkeys. They swing from branch to branch, not letting go of one until they have another firmly in their grasp. She's letting you go, and trying to do so gently for you (AND to keep you, on some sick level, as a support network. A fall back position). At this point, you going there will likely do more harm than good to snap her out of this or "bring her back to reality". She needs a wake up call. The BEST way to give virtually any woman a wake up call is to make them think you ARE OVER THEM and are MOVING ON. Women HATE that chit. And instead of being comforted by the fact that she knows you're still there and she has "time" (because you're showing her you're still on her hook) if things don't work out with the new guy, she will then INSTANTLY be made aware that TIME IS UP. This guy that she has history with is LEAVING, and she'd better be damned sure that's what she wants.
> 
> ...


Thanks again for taking your time to write this response. I am going to think deeply about what you said. I will try to disappear from her life. But should I tell her that I know she has an affair before I do so?


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

stressed_hubby said:


> Thanks again for taking your time to write this response. I am going to think deeply about what you said. I will try to disappear from her life. But should I tell her that I know she has an affair before I do so?


You can't prove it now, even if you do know it. So no, I would not tell her it's because of the affair unless you can PROVE IT. I would go "black" (do not initiate ANY contact, do not respond to any contact), serve her with divorce papers, and when she finally does ask what the hell is going on, I'd say something along the lines of this:

"You have said you are no longer in love with me. I accept that. It is obvious that in your mind this is beyond repair and unworthy of any real effort. I will not spend another minute with a woman who is not in love with me. Goodbye."

Short, sweet, simple. And then LEAVE IT ALONE!!!! SHE did this (created the rift) by throwing out the "ILYBINILWY" thing. You have to explain NOTHING. It's ON HER. 

By doing this, you'll shake her world the hell up. She likely has not experinced a guy that confident before that he would not "tolerate" someone who was not in love with him and give him her all. The result will be a huge gain in respect in you from her (even if she doesn't WANT that right now), AND the bonus of possibly "jolting her back into reality". And a HUGE bonus....you'll be able to move on with some semblance of self respect. Very important for you (and I hate to say it for fear you'll hang onto hope) and for her if she's to gain a desire to chase you again.

Some women like "nice guys". Some women like "bad boys". Some women like a little of "this" or a little of "that". One thing is for certain though....EVERY WOMAN likes a guy who has self respect. EVERY ONE OF THEM. You don't have that if you let a woman treat you like crap or if you continue to pursue them after they've told you to essentially get lost... and women KNOW that.

Best play here....show her you have some self respect. AND you won't settle for less than you deserve. Exactly how you do that is entirely up to you.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

And please don't let her draw you into some 1, 2, 4 hour "talk" about your marriage if you do file so she can say what she needs to say to set your mind at ease. I see BS falling into that trap and being manipulated and played like nobody's business. It's really sad and frustrating.


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

stressed_hubby said:


> I will try just once more David. After that I will definitely *try* to do what you suggest.


 Trying once more will detract from your subsequent action of filing for divorce.

Do not appear weak. Don't say (even to yourself) "try." Say I will do it.



stressed_hubby said:


> I was actually thinking about going to see my family. They live in another country so the environment will be completely different. I will do that once the affair is confirmed and she finally tells me that she wants to get divorced.


You don't wait for her. You file for divorce.



donny64 said:


> Just my opinion, but the only way to, as you say, "jolt her back to reality" is to give her a big old painful dose of it. And you do that by showing her there are consequences for her actions.
> 
> And again, in just my own experiences and opinion, once she's hit this stage of "I love you but I'm not in love with you", she has already seriously "bonded" with this other guy, and is in the deep "fog". Cheaters, as I saw written here once, are like monkeys. They swing from branch to branch, not letting go of one until they have another firmly in their grasp. She's letting you go, and trying to do so gently for you (AND to keep you, on some sick level, as a support network. A fall back position). At this point, you going there will likely do more harm than good to snap her out of this or "bring her back to reality". She needs a wake up call. The BEST way to give virtually any woman a wake up call is to make them think you ARE OVER THEM and are MOVING ON. Women HATE that chit. And instead of being comforted by the fact that she knows you're still there and she has "time" (because you're showing her you're still on her hook) if things don't work out with the new guy, she will then INSTANTLY be made aware that TIME IS UP. This guy that she has history with is LEAVING, and she'd better be damned sure that's what she wants.
> 
> ...


You are relying on the shock value of filing right away.

The quicker you do it, the better chance of this approach working.



stressed_hubby said:


> Thanks again for taking your time to write this response. I am going to think deeply about what you said. I will try to disappear from her life. But should I tell her that I know she has an affair before I do so?


Let your filing be the notification. That way it will have the greatest impact. Just because you file, does not mean you have to do it. You can always withdraw the petition.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

"try" is a weak word. It should be stricken from your vocabulary. 

If she has had an affair then file for divorce ... she has no choice in the matter. If she wants to stay married bad enough then she will come to you. A filing is not a done deal. In fact, a divorce isn't always the end either. I've had friends that have remarried. 

Don't be so afraid to take a stand.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

donny64 said:


> If you're really curious, get "spoof call". Then call her number "from" the number showing up on the bills. See how she answers the phone. Most people in "relationships" will answer with a "hey babe" or something similar.


A lot of these spoof ID companies appear to be scams. Are there ones that are legitimate? Anybody recommend a specific company?


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

stressed_hubby said:


> I treated her horribly during marriage. I dont blame her for anything. I should have known better. So if she has an affair, I will forgive her. If she wants to reconcile, I would be really happy. If she doesnt, then I wish her good luck and truly hope that the other guy doesnt fail her like I did.


No need to read the rest. She's gone. That is your real problem. And as my man Jerry Garcia says, "nothing's gonna' bring her back".

Get evidence of the affair if you need it for court. Otherwise, "you can have your divorce. I'm sorry I treated you like ****. I truly hope you find the happiness you deserve."

You've had your system shocked. You have changed. Too late to save this marriage. Don't even try. But you are young enough to do it again. Without the mistakes. You get a do-over. I envy you.

I wish the BOTH of you luck in your new live.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Kimberley17 said:


> Why do men/people always want to "change" once it's too late? Why did you treat her so badly????


Because we didn't see any negative consequences to our actions. I mean SERIOUS, life altering changes like the OP got. Like I got. I knew it was wrong, but I continued. My wife checked out of my marriage,never to return. My DNA changed when I got that shock. So did the OP's. Too late for our marriages. They're over.

We abusers are not the monsters you think we are. We are your brothers, your fathers, your sons, your friends, your neighbors. Society can continue handling it with attitudes such as we do now. "You are a beast and you deserve every bit of what you got". 

And I can't argue that. It's too late for me. Too late for the OP. Too late for the millions of men who also didn't get a guide to women, life and marriage on their wedding day.

I will teach my sons how to live in a marriage. I owe it to the women they marry, knowing that the cycle of abuse has a great chance of continuing through me. I will try to talk to my daughter. Be as positive as she can be that all of these issues with her husband are resolved before she marries him. If not, be DAMNED SURE they are resolved before she chooses to have kids with him.

Sure, it's mostly men that abuse. But there are a lot of us. Your son could be where I am at 50 if we don't fix this. Your daughter could be my wife. You are NOT immune to it. We need to DO SOMETHING about this epidemic. 

You need to listen to us if you want to fix it. You are welcome to condemn us as well, but make sure you LISTEN TO US. It's the only way to end the cycle of abuse.

"Hey K, why did you do it? How did you stop? Why didn't you stop sooner". Then LISTEN to our responses. You want to just call me a monster and feel better about yourself? Fine. I deserve it. But we're not going to help future marriages.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The burst of text msgs then dark was them talking about something they planned on doing the next day.

Do you have the ability to track her phone? 

I'm thinking they took off school for the day and spent the day together. She turned off her phone to ignore you.

You need a PI on the ground to see what's going on.

If you show up, she'll just hide the affair and lie until you leave.

Ok, she's in her last semester, just had exams or a big project?

I'm guessing the OM is a guy in her class that she was studying with, or working on a project with. Something that gave him a reason to have a lot of one on one contact. She's stressed over school etc, he's sharing the same experience and he's putting the moves on her.

She talked about you to him, and about how you care and worry. He turned it around like a 24yr old does because they are entirely self centered and convinced her that you are controlling and don't trust her.

He then continued to run you down, while showering her with lots of attention.

Then he pushed for more, and escalled the contact via texts.

All under the pretense of the shared classes.

Find the weasel OM, you need to know your enemy?

Btw, where she goes to school, is she a foreigner or minority? If do the guy will be using that isolation she already has to get more time with her.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

stressed_hubby said:


> Thank you for your valuable suggestions JustSomeGuyWho. I will try to follow them. I will try to focus on the positives in my life. I think time will also have to play a role to heal this wound. The hardest part will be to forgive myself for the mistakes I made that cost me such a wonderful women. But if I have to move on at all, I will have to somehow forgive myself.


I think you might benefit from the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy". There is a men's support group online at No More Mr. Nice Guy Online Support Group - Powered by vBulletin where you can discuss the underlying personal issues which aren't necessarily on topic here on the marriage forums.

Forgiving yourself is a tough one but something you need to do. Try changing the self-talk around to more positive. Even if it is about a negative. "I was so stupid when I _____" is pretty negative! You do today see your mistake, so you have learned. You are not that same stupid idiot that made that mistake! So change the self talk to something like "I am angry for being so stupid when I _____, _but now I know better so I will work to change my future behaviors_".

Hey, I've been married 30 years to my college sweet heart. The absolute dumba$$ery I put up with from her from the start boggles my mind. How could I have been so _stupid_? What kind of a _man_ would have put up with it? NO real man would have! So what does that make me?

Those are the issues which have simmered inside me for a long long time. Yes I do know where you are at! The thing is to realize the positives. You are a good man and a decent person. You made mistakes which you now recognize, so you are smarter than you were when you made those mistakes. You did the best you could at the time. Imperfect? Of course! But you loved her and you were not acting out of malice. Mistakes are forgivable!

Good luck today. Whatever happens you can handle it.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

stressed_hubby said:


> She lives with a girl. I know that girl. Also, the phone texts from the other guy started 2-3 weeks ago. I don't think she had anything to do with that guy before this time. *My guess is that its an emotional affair so far.* Is there a possibility to stop it at this point? Whats the benefit of hiring a private investigator? Is it just for confirming the suspicion?


Don't let yourself be fooled, Stressed! In 99% of the books that you'll read on the subject of infidelity, you'll richly learn that the emotional affair(EA) is so much more damning to the relationship than the physical affair(PA) is. 

In essence, *all that the PA really represents is only a consumation of the well enriched emotional relationship that they have come to develop with each other*. *And as with a marriage, the physical aspect is just going to offer more and more reinforcement to the emotional with each ensuing occurence*.

Having already been bestowed the ILYBINILWY award by her, you have been richly relegated to last place, at least in her eyes. She doesn't even seem, in the least, to have even exhibited "cake-eater" tendancies with you.

That tells me that she is logistically, as well as emotionally, away from you, being "foot-loose and fancy-free" over in a college town quite far removed from you.

If the relationship is salvageable, then you need to go ahead with the hiring of a PI to confirm your suspicions. If not, then I'd highly recommend visiting an attorney to begin exploring your legal rights in this matter.

Best of luck to you, my friend!


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

stressed_hubby said:


> I think your suggestion is good. But I really don't have any concrete proof that she is cheating except the text log.


Like I told my wife, "you never texted me at that volume!" You don't have concrete proof of SEX, you have concrete proof of something unhealthy and inappropriate for your marriage. You are her husband, if the shoe was on the other foot, she has every right to be worried if you are texting someone at that volume.

Yes, even if they really and truly are that one in a hundred 100% legit "just friends!" Stop blaming yourself for being a dunderhead. People make mistakes in marriages all of the time, even good ones. I hope it works out, but if it doesn't take it as a learning experience. What you learned this time is some women "live to test" and when you fail they check out. I had to put a stop to that in marriage...again.
"TALK to me and PRETEND I'M STUPID, it'll make it easier for both of us." "Testing and other passive aggressive crap is for mid-terms and finals not a marriage."

Oh and no, I do not believe you are as bad as you claim. A crappy husband wouldn't be purchasing a last minute ticket to try and save his marriage.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

stressed_hubby said:


> You dont think I can stop the affair if it is indeed in the beginning stage?


 There's a method for stopping an affair. Not foolproof, but the best chance you have. It involves swift, firm action, unyielding strength, and clear boundaries. It involves giving her one chance to come clean and agree to stop seeing him. When she denies or refuses, you then call up her parents and siblings and tell them what she's doing. Ask them to talk to her; tell them that you just want the OM out of the picture so you two can look at the marriage objectively and, after a period of time (explain the affair fog to them) if she still wants out, you'll gladly step out of the way. It involves cutting her off from your money if she refuses to stop, so she can see how life will be on her own (no more cake eating). It involves a timeline after which, if nothing changes, you file for separation and give her a cold wakeup call.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Oh good lord. I know plenty of non-"alpha" guys who are happily married or have no problem with the ladies. This guys a wreck and you are essentially telling him he is weak, that's why he lost his wife, and he'll never get laid again. Yes, we know "alpha" guys attract the women ... be careful what kind of woman you attract. No matter how much the "big dog" you are, there is always someone bigger.


 I'm talking specifically about the way in which he deal with this situation, not about his day to day life. You can't nice someone out of an affair.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

MrK said:


> No need to read the rest. She's gone. That is your real problem. And as my man Jerry Garcia says, "nothing's gonna' bring her back".
> 
> Get evidence of the affair if you need it for court. Otherwise, "you can have your divorce. I'm sorry I treated you like ****. I truly hope you find the happiness you deserve."
> 
> ...


BINGO she is gone. CATCH HER CHEATING then go on with life. She is gone and already decided for the other guy. I strongly suggest proving the affair tho. It will cement her guilt in your mind and perhaps speed your recovery.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I was dismayed to read you had postponed your ticket. However, given the state of mind you are in I would think that you were going in order to save your marriage in the way that donny64 suggested, some romantic gesture (which would have been seen as weak and needy and backfired on you in the way that donny suggested) as opposed to the way some others including myself suggested which was to get there and demand answers, demand the phone and see the evidence, serve her with the words 'I am divorcing you', all of which would have been totally positive in addressing the affair and bringing her back to earth with a bump. Although this way would have made her angry, defensive, attacking, like a cornered rat, it would have got you your answers, removed her fantasy which she is very much enjoying, and you would have come out of it (if you had stood firm and not resorted to the 'I have been a terrible hubby and I am so sorry' kind of thoughts) very strong, and although it would have not gone to plan (it never does), if you stood firm you would be dealing with the reality right now instead of still in limbo turmoil. And she would be out of her fog in the initial stages of the A rather than you now waiting longer, her attachment to Other Man growing stronger and you being miles away and her thoughts of you dimming swiftly. 

If you are prepared to be angry, strong, to hit her like a freight train (and to not let her go anywhere, not even the toilet, without leaving her phone with you) then I would seriously consider getting the hell over there and dealing with the end of your marriage ASAP and removing her by the ear, back of the collar, by the hair (metaphorrically speaking) out of her fantasy and back down to earth with a huge thump. NB, a huge thump does not mean being nice and saying you are at fault for her affair. It involves demanding WTF is going on and demanding the truth and her phone, and telling her you are about to file divorce. And not backing down. Even if she wants out of the marriage, you demand the truth as her husband and as your right to know. 

The only way forward now is knowing you are right, being righteous about it, and NOT backing down.

Once she gives you the truth (bear in mind the trickle truth), and if she wants in to the marriage, that is the time to discuss your failings, and hers. And that is the time to move forward with consequences, repurcussions, and ways to change on BOTH sides to make you BOTH happier. Her needs must NOT involve anything that doesn't make it easier for you in dealing with her infidelity, such as her transparency, letting you know what she is doing, no bars or parties on her own etc.


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## stressed_hubby (Jan 26, 2013)

Remains said:


> I was dismayed to read you had postponed your ticket. However, given the state of mind you are in I would think that you were going in order to save your marriage in the way that donny64 suggested, some romantic gesture (which would have been seen as weak and needy and backfired on you in the way that donny suggested) as opposed to the way some others including myself suggested which was to get there and demand answers, demand the phone and see the evidence, serve her with the words 'I am divorcing you', all of which would have been totally positive in addressing the affair and bringing her back to earth with a bump. Although this way would have made her angry, defensive, attacking, like a cornered rat, it would have got you your answers, removed her fantasy which she is very much enjoying, and you would have come out of it (if you had stood firm and not resorted to the 'I have been a terrible hubby and I am so sorry' kind of thoughts) very strong, and although it would have not gone to plan (it never does), if you stood firm you would be dealing with the reality right now instead of still in limbo turmoil. And she would be out of her fog in the initial stages of the A rather than you now waiting longer, her attachment to Other Man growing stronger and you being miles away and her thoughts of you dimming swiftly.
> 
> If you are prepared to be angry, strong, to hit her like a freight train (and to not let her go anywhere, not even the toilet, without leaving her phone with you) then I would seriously consider getting the hell over there and dealing with the end of your marriage ASAP and removing her by the ear, back of the collar, by the hair (metaphorrically speaking) out of her fantasy and back down to earth with a huge thump. NB, a huge thump does not mean being nice and saying you are at fault for her affair. It involves demanding WTF is going on and demanding the truth and her phone, and telling her you are about to file divorce. And not backing down. Even if she wants out of the marriage, you demand the truth as her husband and as your right to know.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your input. I only postponed my trip for a day. I needed some time to think things through. My wife didn't answer my calls yesterday. Sometimes she goes to see her relatives on weekends. So I wanted to make sure that I know her whereabouts. She texted me in the morning saying she is at her parents place and will be there till Sunday. 

My current game plan is to fly there tomorrow and go to her relatives place directly and talk to her and her relatives. Her relatives are really religious. They hate the idea of divorce. So may be they would talk some sense into her.


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## stressed_hubby (Jan 26, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Like I told my wife, "you never texted me at that volume!" You don't have concrete proof of SEX, you have concrete proof of something unhealthy and inappropriate for your marriage. You are her husband, if the shoe was on the other foot, she has every right to be worried if you are texting someone at that volume.
> 
> Yes, even if they really and truly are that one in a hundred 100% legit "just friends!" Stop blaming yourself for being a dunderhead. People make mistakes in marriages all of the time, even good ones. I hope it works out, but if it doesn't take it as a learning experience. What you learned this time is some women "live to test" and when you fail they check out. I had to put a stop to that in marriage...again.
> "TALK to me and PRETEND I'M STUPID, it'll make it easier for both of us." "Testing and other passive aggressive crap is for mid-terms and finals not a marriage."
> ...


Thank you for your kind words. I will definitely bring the text-messages issue with her. I will let her know what she did is highly inappropriate no matter how bad the marriage was.


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## stressed_hubby (Jan 26, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> Don't let yourself be fooled, Stressed! In 99% of the books that you'll read on the subject of infidelity, you'll richly learn that the emotional affair(EA) is so much more damning to the relationship than the physical affair(PA) is.
> 
> In essence, *all that the PA really represents is only a consumation of the well enriched emotional relationship that they have come to develop with each other*. *And as with a marriage, the physical aspect is just going to offer more and more reinforcement to the emotional with each ensuing occurence*.
> 
> ...


Thank you! I will have one more hard talk with her. Then I will go see an attorney.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

stressed_hubby said:


> My current game plan is to fly there tomorrow and go to her relatives place directly and talk to her and her relatives. Her relatives are really religious. They hate the idea of divorce. So may be they would talk some sense into her.


 Not a bad plan. Print out the records of the texts and anything else you have, and hand them over to her parents.


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## stressed_hubby (Jan 26, 2013)

Friends I uncovered an information. I don't know if its good or bad. So there is a lady who is really close to my wife and has taken care of her for years. She treats my wife as her daughter. That lady recently got married to a guy she has been dating for a bout 1.5 years. After marriage the lady and her husband moved in together. The guys son(Lets call him Peter) also moved in with them. My wife visited the family 3 weeks ago and spent her entire weekend with them. Its after that weekend my wife has been acting distant. Peter is also name of the guy who has been texting my wife a lot!!! So if she is having an affair, there is a possibility that it will be with this guy. And if she is having an affair with this guy, its really disturbing because he is like family. I made a huge mistake by postponing my trip yesterday. I should have been there today and expose everything.

I tried calling her today but she didnt pick up my phone. Then I texted her that "I know what she is doing and its not fair". I sent that text to stress her out so that if she does have some plan with this guy tonight, it gets messed up. I am going there tomorrow and confront her. She is spending her weekend with that lady so everyone will be there. I will bring everything out in the open.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

stressed_hubby said:


> She texted me in the morning saying she is at her parents place and will be there till Sunday.


On pure instinct, instead of taking my last EX's word for where she was, I called my in-laws directly just to say high and ask how they were doing. 

Guess what? They had no clue where she was.

Busted.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

stressed_hubby said:


> Friends I uncovered an information. I don't know if its good or bad. So there is a lady who is really close to my wife and has taken care of her for years. She treats my wife as her daughter. That lady recently got married to a guy she has been dating for a bout 1.5 years. After marriage the lady and her husband moved in together. The guys son(Lets call him Peter) also moved in with them. My wife visited the family 3 weeks ago and spent her entire weekend with them. Its after that weekend my wife has been acting distant. Peter is also name of the guy who has been texting my wife a lot!!! So if she is having an affair, there is a possibility that it will be with this guy. And if she is having an affair with this guy, its really disturbing because he is like family. I made a huge mistake by postponing my trip yesterday. I should have been there today and expose everything.
> 
> I tried calling her today but she didnt pick up my phone. Then I texted her that "I know what she is doing and its not fair". I sent that text to stress her out so that if she does have some plan with this guy tonight, it gets messed up. I am going there tomorrow and confront her. She is spending her weekend with that lady so everyone will be there. I will bring everything out in the open.


Well, I don't think that was the right move personally, especially the "it's not fair" part. I understand though. I think when you show up in complete surprise, you need to grab her phone. Don't give her the time to delete her messages. Expose it. Don't get suckered in by anything she says. Go home. File. Take a vacation.

Did she reply?


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Kimberley17 said:


> SomedayDig I never said the cheating was my husband's fault. EVER.* I simply posted asking why do men/people only seem to 'get it' and want to change when it's too far gone or too late?* I said "men" before people because it was a male OP. Nothing more, nothing less.


Well why do some people think cheating is the ultimate solution
to fix that problem??And when busted,the almost always are begging for a second chance...:scratchhead:


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## stressed_hubby (Jan 26, 2013)

3putt said:


> On pure instinct, instead of taking my last EX's word for where she was, I called my in-laws directly just to say high and ask how they were doing.
> 
> Guess what? They had no clue where she was.
> 
> Busted.


I already spoke to the in laws. She is with them.


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## stressed_hubby (Jan 26, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Well, I don't think that was the right move personally, especially the "it's not fair" part. I understand though. I think when you show up in complete surprise, you need to grab her phone. Don't give her the time to delete her messages. Expose it. Don't get suckered in by anything she says. Go home. File. Take a vacation.
> 
> Did she reply?


Yes she did reply and asked "What??". I can still convince her that I dont know about their affair by texting back "I know that you have been avoiding me." But I wonder if I should do that.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

stressed_hubby said:


> I already spoke to the in laws. She is with them.


How far away is that from the OM? (Sorry if I missed this)


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Unless you drove it underground already with that text... PI on the ground tomorrow night. Damn near guarantee you get an asnwer. Im afraid it aint the answer you want either.

If I'm right, and my gut says it is. Get that anxiety under control while you heal then replace her.

You can't get the contents of the texts? You are on the same plan right?


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## stressed_hubby (Jan 26, 2013)

3putt said:


> How far away is that from the OM? (Sorry if I missed this)


The other man is my in-laws! Its the same place she went to spend her weekend.


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## stressed_hubby (Jan 26, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Unless you drove it underground already with that text... PI on the ground tomorrow night. Damn near guarantee you get an asnwer. Im afraid it aint the answer you want either.
> 
> If I'm right, and my gut says it is. Get that anxiety under control while you heal then replace her.
> 
> You can't get the contents of the texts? You are on the same plan right?


Yes I am on the same plan but I dont think there is a way to get the content of the text without looking at her phone.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

stressed_hubby said:


> The other man is my in-laws! Its the same place she went to spend her weekend.


I'm back and forth tonight with my own little crisis and misread all this. Mea culpa.

You just need to get there and expose the living hell out of this. Snatch her phone if you have to get more proof, but do what you have to do.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Stay cool calm and collected. 

In your head just keep repeating, 'I am right'. And even if you are not, you are still 'in the right'. 

You better be cool. Get your acting coat on and pretend you are some tough, yet sensitive, movie star. You have to get this right. Do not back down. And be totally reasonable. And DO NOT LET HER GO ANYWHERE WITH HER PHONE TIL YOU HAVE HAD A LOOK. Not even the loo. Ok? If she argues about it then you know you are on to something. Follow her in there if you have to. Don't worry ONE BIT if she ends up creating and causing a scene. It is just her defense mechanisms from guilt.

And if you are wrong? If you are wrong then you have caught this just at the right time. If you are wrong, I doubt it, them she needs to answer as to why a married woman is sending all those texts to a single guy. Not normal. Even for a 'friend'.

Just be sensitive, calm, kind, but by god be absolutely firm. 

And do not apologise or be apologetic either. 

Oh for gods sake, if it all goes wrong it doesn't matter. Just try your best.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Dont most plans allow for looking and recovery of all texts? Just brainstorming here for you. What company so people in the know can help you.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

stressed_hubby said:


> Yes she did reply and asked "What??". I can still convince her that I dont know about their affair by texting back "I know that you have been avoiding me." But I wonder if I should do that.


Odd response. Unless you directly accused her of cheating ... I think if I got a message like that and I hadn't done anything, I would have responded with ... I don't understand ... what are you talking about ... something other than What?? 

Yeah, you might want to play it off somehow because it will be even more awkward when you show up after having accused her of something. Just show up, ask if you can use her phone for a second ... or just take it ... and excuse yourself to the bathroom. If she has nothing to hide it won't be a big deal.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

weightlifter said:


> Dont most plans allow for looking and recovery of all texts? Just brainstorming here for you. What company so people in the know can help you.


Maybe only to the number the text was sent to? Have no idea but haven't seen that before. Obviously it can be done, especially for something so recent ... it's obtained during criminal investigations all the time.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

weightlifter said:


> Dont most plans allow for looking and recovery of all texts? Just brainstorming here for you. What company so people in the know can help you.


You could call your provider and ask. Might save you a trip.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> You could call your provider and ask. Might save you a trip.


I know there are threads where this was done.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Stop making vague accusations! Go silent on her until you show up. If she is cheating she is going to have advance warning to clean out all emails, texts, call logs, etc. She'll have cover stories worked out with Peter (or whoever it is). She'll have friends lined up to support her cover story.

The basic rules are really important. You'll learn the hard way if you don't pay attention. Don't confront before you have evidence. Don't reveal your sources.

Going to see her is smart. Get that phone and look at it instantly upon arrival. Her mega-text fest with a guy is your justification.

Don't make any veiled accusation before you have solid data because she'll call your bluff by denial. Then she'll take it deeper underground.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Our provider is Sprint. There is no way other than court order or law enforcement subpoena to get text contents from Sprint. Other carriers may be different.

OP it is worth a few minutes of searching your cell provider's website to find their policy and procedures.


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## stressed_hubby (Jan 26, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Dont most plans allow for looking and recovery of all texts? Just brainstorming here for you. What company so people in the know can help you.


My company is Tmobile. I went to their forum and they said that there is no way to get it except a court order. I will call their customer service. Hopefully they will be able to guide me.


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## stressed_hubby (Jan 26, 2013)

Remains said:


> Stay cool calm and collected.
> 
> In your head just keep repeating, 'I am right'. And even if you are not, you are still 'in the right'.
> 
> ...


Phone is the first thing I will look at, if she allows me. I hope she doesnt demonize me to the in-laws. I dont want the m to hate me and not let me in the house when I get there.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

stressed_hubby said:


> Phone is the first thing I will look at, if she allows me. I hope she doesnt demonize me to the in-laws. I dont want the m to hate me and not let me in the house when I get there.


If she allows you? Insist. If she objects to you using her phone then you know what you need to know. Walk in, say your hellos, tell her your battery went out and you need to use her phone for a second. Make up some excuse ... it's a work thing, whatever. If she has nothing to hide then I don't know why it would be a problem. If she has put the phone down somewhere then simply take it. 

Really, I don't understand the whole fascination with the "alpha guy" concept ... but you really are too timid. Seriously. Heck, if she objects strongly I would demand to see the phone.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

stressed_hubby said:


> Phone is the first thing I will look at, if she allows me. I hope she doesnt demonize me to the in-laws. I dont want the m to hate me and not let me in the house when I get there.


If she demonizes you to the point they won't let you in the house then the relationship is over anyway.


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## stressed_hubby (Jan 26, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> If she allows you? Insist. If she objects to you using her phone then you know what you need to know. Walk in, say your hellos, tell her your battery went out and you need to use her phone for a second. If she has nothing to hide then I don't know why it would be a problem. If she has put the phone down somewhere then simply take it.
> 
> Really, I really don't understand the whole fascination with the "alpha guy" ... but you really are too nice. Seriously. Heck, if she objects strongly I would demand to see the phone.


I agree. I will strongly ask her to hand me the phone. If there really is something going on, it will reflect really bad on wife and the other guy. They will probably hide their faces for weeks. I hope she doesn't delete the text messages because of the text I sent her today.


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## stressed_hubby (Jan 26, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> If she demonizes you to the point they won't let you in the house then the relationship is over anyway.


Thats true. I will have nothing to say or do then except divorcing her.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

stressed_hubby said:


> I agree. I will strongly ask her to hand me the phone. If there really is something going on, it will reflect really bad on wife and the other guy. They will probably hide their faces for weeks. I hope she doesn't delete the text messages because of the text I sent her today.


Did you cover for the text? Play it off as meaning something else? When she responded "What??" ... did you reply?


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## stressed_hubby (Jan 26, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Did you cover for the text? Play it off as meaning something else? When she responded "What??" ... did you reply?


Yes I said something like "I know we are having issues, but I am still your husband and you shouldn't avoid my phone calls".


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Does she know you are going to be there? If she doesn't, she doesn't have a reason to delete the texts.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

stressed_hubby said:


> Yes I said something like "I know we are having issues, but I am still your husband and you shouldn't avoid my phone calls".


That should probably work.


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## stressed_hubby (Jan 26, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Does she know you are going to be there? If she doesn't, she doesn't have a reason to delete the texts.


No she doesn't know I am gonna be there. I she has already deleted the text messages then I would really not have any proof of her infidelity. In that case I will tell her that I came to talk face to face about our marriage.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

stressed_hubby said:


> No she doesn't know I am gonna be there. I she has already deleted the text messages then I would really not have any proof of her infidelity. In that case I will tell her that I came to talk face to face about our marriage.


Good! If she has demonized you to some extent, you can simply explain that you are there to talk things over with her ... or even apologize to her because you regret how things have come to this point ... but first, you need to use her phone  

oh, and another phone won't work because her phone is on your plan. Remember, you are an ACTOR


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## stressed_hubby (Jan 26, 2013)

Its really sad that she suddenly goes home for 3 days, meets a guy and forget our 3 year old relationships. I know I have not been the best husband but I always encouraged her to finish her education and tried to help her financially. Flew there every month to see her. Accumulated debt and paid for her living and medical expenses. And this is what I get. Our marriage had its short comings but there were strong points too. I am also young and living alone for two years in a big city. There are a lot of girls around but I never transgressed. I could never think of hurting her like that.


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## stressed_hubby (Jan 26, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Good! If she has demonized you to some extent, you can simply explain that you are there to talk things over with her ... or even apologize to her because you regret how things have come to this point ... but first, you need to use her phone
> 
> oh, and another phone won't work because her phone is on your plan. Remember, you are an ACTOR


That's exactly my game plan. Thank you for taking your time to give me all these suggestions! You are a very helpful person!


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

stressed_hubby said:


> Its really sad that she suddenly goes home for 3 days, meets a guy and forget our 3 year old relationships. I know I have not been the best husband but I always encouraged her to finish her education and tried to help her financially. Flew there every month to see her. Accumulated debt and paid for her living and medical expenses. And this is what I get. Our marriage had its short comings but there were strong points too. I am also young and living alone for two years in a big city. There are a lot of girls around but I never transgressed. I could never think of hurting her like that.


I understand it's hard. For what it's worth, those girls will be there if this doesn't work out. First though, as I mentioned a few posts ago, you will have to take time to work on yourself. Hard to get the right girl (or any girl) if your confidence is shot.


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## stressed_hubby (Jan 26, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> I understand it's hard. For what it's worth, those girls will be there if this doesn't work out. First though, as I mentioned a few posts ago, you will have to take time to work on yourself. Hard to get the right girl (or any girl) if your confidence is shot.


Man I will get my confidence back. But I will be really scared of taking a women seriously after this point. My wife is the nicest women I have ever met and if even she acted like that, I would not have much hope for other women. I will probably just date girls for a couple of months and then dump them. I will never ever marry another women or get into a long term relationship with them. I am done with all that. I don't ever wanna experience this pain again.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

stressed_hubby said:


> Man I will get my confidence back. But I will be really scared of taking a women seriously after this point. My wife is the nicest women I have ever met and if even she acted like that, I would not have much hope for other women. I will probably just date girls for a couple of months and then dump them. I will never ever marry another women or get into a long term relationship with them. I am done with all that. I don't ever wanna experience this pain again.


I understand. Because you feel that way is why you need to take the time to work on yourself. If you feel the need to go get laid, cool ... but work on yourself. You won't have a problem picking up girls right away ... but chances are good that those girls will be broken and have low self-esteem. My counselor told me that once ... and she was dead on.


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## stressed_hubby (Jan 26, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> I understand. Because you feel that way is why you need to take the time to work on yourself. If you feel the need to go get laid, cool ... but work on yourself. You won't have a problem picking up girls right away ... but chances are good that those girls will be broken and have low self-esteem. My counselor told me that once ... and she was dead on.


Yes that's true. I am already planning my emotional recovery. I will go spend a week with my brother who lives in Europe. That will change my environment a bit. Then I am planning to go see my parents and other relatives for 3 weeks. They live in India. So that will be quite a change for me. Once my grief goes down a little, things will be easier to handle.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

stressed_hubby said:


> Yes that's true. I am already planning my emotional recovery. I will go spend a week with my brother who lives in Europe. That will change my environment a bit. Then I am planning to go see my parents and other relatives for 3 weeks. They live in India. So that will be quite a change for me. Once my grief goes down a little, things will be easier to handle.


That's an awesome plan dude. Yeah, when my counselor told me that I was a little offended ... I thought, wait a second ... I'm a great guy ... but she was exactly right. Should go back and thank her. If you work on becoming the guy you want to be, you will attract the kind of girl you want to be with. THAT girl is going to change your mind. I believe it.


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## stressed_hubby (Jan 26, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> That's an awesome plan dude. Yeah, when my counselor told me that I was a little offended ... I thought, wait a second ... I'm a great guy ... but she was exactly right. Should go back and thank her. If you work on becoming the guy you want to be, you will attract the kind of girl you want to be with. THAT girl is going to change your mind. I believe it.


When I read about all the cases where wives left their husbands even after 20-30 years of marriage, I get scared. There will always be a chance of women betraying me no matter who I marry. I am going through so much pain right. I don't ever wanna risk it. I don't want to have kids, so marriage has less incentive for me anyway.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

stressed_hubby said:


> When I read about all the cases where wives left their husbands even after 20-30 years of marriage, I get scared. There will always be a chance of women betraying me no matter who I marry. I am going through so much pain right. I don't ever wanna risk it. I don't want to have kids, so marriage has less incentive for me anyway.


Well, from personal experience, people change quite a bit over 20 to 30 years. If you and your spouse aren't growing together then you are growing apart. Communication and honesty are key. If you look at the reasons why people justify cheating to themselves, they all follow a pattern that is easy to identify. Some people don't recognize it until it is too late. The people I know with successful long term marriage are able to identify these problems early on and constantly work on it. Many people ignore it.


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## stressed_hubby (Jan 26, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Well, from personal experience, people change quite a bit over 20 to 30 years. If you and your spouse aren't growing together then you are growing apart. Communication and honesty are key. If you look at the reasons why people justify cheating to themselves, they all follow a pattern that is easy to identify. Some people don't recognize it until it is too late.


These are words of wisdom. I am completely clueless of the pattern that cheaters follow. I really need to learn more about people and relationships. I am completely ignorant when it comes to these issues. People at this forum have recommended me some nice books. I will surely check them out. I should have read them a long time ago. I probably wouldn't have to see this day.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

stressed_hubby said:


> These are words of wisdom. I am completely clueless of the pattern that cheaters follow. I really need to learn more about people and relationships. I am completely ignorant when it comes to these issues. People at this forum have recommended me some nice books. I will surely check them out. I should have read them a long time ago. I probably wouldn't have to see this day.


Those are words of wisdom from painful lessons learned, lol. Just passing them along. I sincerely wish the best to you.


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## stressed_hubby (Jan 26, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Those are words of painful lessons learned, lol. I sincerely wish the best to you.


Thank you buddy! Have you posted your story somewhere on the forum?


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

stressed_hubby said:


> Thank you buddy! Have you posted your story somewhere on the forum?


I haven't. I intend to now after having read many of the experiences people have shared. It's pretty long and just haven't sat down to think through how to explain it. I'm always open to advice and suggestions so I'm looking forward to getting my story out there.


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## stressed_hubby (Jan 26, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> I haven't. I intend to now after having read many of the experiences people have shared. It's pretty long and just haven't sat down to think through how to explain it. I'm always open to advice and suggestions so I'm looking forward to getting my story out there.


I would be interested in reading your story. I might learn a thing or two from your experience.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Most married people, if they want to go to college, they go to one near their homes, and continue to live with their spouses.

Most married people will not agree to be apart for 2-3 years for the sake of a college education when there are colleges close by that will not be so disruptive to the family. In other words, if you don't have to sacrifice living apart for a college education, then why do it?

Why did your wife go out of state to college?


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Stressed Hubby,

Are you considering individual counseling for yourself? You seem to be affected by insecurities.


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## stressed_hubby (Jan 26, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> Most married people, if they want to go to college, they go to one near their homes, and continue to live with their spouses.
> 
> Most married people will not agree to be apart for 2-3 years for the sake of a college education when there are colleges close by that will not be so disruptive to the family. In other words, if you don't have to sacrifice living apart for a college education, then why do it?
> 
> Why did your wife go out of state to college?


I am not defending us living apart. However, when we got married it made sense. I was not a US citizen or a permanent resident. Hence I needed to find a job that could have sponsored for my work visa. Otherwise I would not be able to stay in the US. Unfortunately I couldn't find a job close to where my wife went to school, so I had to move away. Also, there were a couple of reasons why my wife couldn't go to school in the state I got the job in. For one, education in my state was a lot more expensive as she would have to pay out of state tution. Also she worked really hard to get accepted into a professional degree. There was no gurantee that she would be accepted again at a new place. Also, my state only offered 2 years associate degree for that program. Whereas the college she went offered a four years degree. So these were the reasons we decided that its best to live apart and visit each other on breaks and stuff.

Another reason I was so confident that things will work out is because I am an Indian. I have seen a lot of Indian couples even living temporarily in different countries, continents apart and still their marriage remains strong. But my wife is not an Indian women. She is American. I should have known that the dynamics of relationships will be different. 

Obviously living apart was a very bad decision for our marriage. Had I known that it would jeopardize my marriage, I would have found some other way to ensure living with her. I regret it deeply now. If I can go back in time with the knowledge of future, I would make a different choice. But then again, if this wouldn't have happened to me, I would have never seen my shortcomings and would have kept ignoring my wife's needs.


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## stressed_hubby (Jan 26, 2013)

AngryandUsed said:


> Stressed Hubby,
> 
> Are you considering individual counseling for yourself? You seem to be affected by insecurities.


I dont think I need counseling. I know my own short-comings. I will try to fix them. Thanks for your suggestion.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

stressed_hubby said:


> I will strongly ask her to hand me the phone.


No, TELL her to give you her phone. Not in a nasty way, just in a calm direct way. "Suzy, give me your phone". If she asks why, just go broken record on her. "Give me your phone". If she refuses or ask why again state "I assume this means you are hiding something from me on your phone." Then stfu and look at her.

Best scenario is her family is in the room, presuming they would support your marriage. If they are on her side about leaving you they may encourage her to keep it from you.

This kind of no-nonsense calm direct approach will convey to her you are not going to put up with the unacceptable.

Change the words as your judgment guides you. I would do some sort of very direct approach though. Don't worry about offending her. Don't worry about her thinking you are suspicious. Heck yes you are suspicious! She has given ample reason.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Hell, I would snatch the damned phone out of her hands, get in my car, lock the doors, and start reading.

Seriously. Enough of this "if she allows it" sh!t. This is a big part of the reason why you're in this position to begin with.

Man up...and I don't mean this as insulting.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Thor said:


> No, TELL her to give you her phone. Not in a nasty way, just in a calm direct way. "Suzy, give me your phone". If she asks why, just go broken record on her. "Give me your phone". If she refuses or ask why again state "I assume this means you are hiding something from me on your phone." Then stfu and look at her.
> 
> Best scenario is her family is in the room, presuming they would support your marriage. If they are on her side about leaving you they may encourage her to keep it from you.
> 
> ...


Great words of advice, Thor! I don't think that it could have been put any more succinctly!


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

stressed_hubby said:


> Phone is the first thing I will look at, *if she allows me.* I hope she doesnt demonize me to the in-laws. I dont want the m to hate me and not let me in the house when I get there.


This is so wrong. NOT if she allows you. You look no matter what. No matter what. Do not care about anything else, you can always apologise to all later. You look, and you DO NOT TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER. Please get this!


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## stressed_hubby (Jan 26, 2013)

Friends, here is the latest update from me. I flew on Saturday and went directly to my wife's relatives house. My wife was alone in the house. She asked me what I was doing there. I told her I am here to save my marriage. She said she doesn't want to stay married. I asked her why. She said she cares about me but is not in live with me. I tried to persuade her but she was convinced that she is not in love. She was also pissed that I showed up without telling her. I was really 
disappointed and then decided its time to quit pursuing her. I started crying and told her that I know she has been texting a guy a lot. She said she is not cheating and was disappointed that I have been snooping on her. But she wasn't mad at all for snooping and was very calm about it. I found it a bit odd because when you accuse guilty people of something they normally get very defensive and angry. But she was just calm and looked disappointed. I also cried in front of her and told her that 
I have been miserable. I know people here told me not to cry or accuse her of cheating without evidence. But at that point I had given up. I was not trying to save thee marriage any more. At the end I told her that I am going to leave and this will be the last time she will hear from me. When I said that she was surprised. Anyway, after that I went directly to her moms house. I hugged her and started crying. I told her that my wife wants to leave me. She said I know and was really sad. She said she really wants things to work out. But then she told me that my wife was still
planning to come see me on spring break!! I was shocked. I said really? She said yes, she just told her last night. I realized that my wife wasn't done with out relationship!!! She told her mom just last night that she wants to see where we stand on spring break!! I was regretting accusing her of cheating and all. I immediately went to see my wife and apologized for making accusations on her. 
I old her that she said "i love you but I am not in love with you", which most of the time is said by people in affairs. She calmly said that she has said that to her previous boyfriends when things wend bad with them. I asked her if she is still planning to come spring break. She said, she was 100% sure she would come but because I showed up and created all the scene, she is doubtful. I apologized 
again and finally convinced her to come see me on spring break. She warned me though and said that even if she comes there is no guarantee that she will get her sparl back for me. I said its ok. We will see what happens. Then she said that if she doesn't get her spark back then she wouldn't move to my city and we will be separated. We will visit each other on breaks then.
I said ok, its fine. She was talking about separating but she didn't talk about divorce at all! She wasn't thinking about it. She did complain about all the things I did wrong during the marriage and I agreed with her.

By the way, the guy who has been texting her is LIKE a relative. Not a blood relative but like a relative nonetheless. After going through her records after weeks, I didn't find anything suspicious. I hope my trip doesn't backfire and ruins any chance of her coming back. But I was in a terrible mental state when I decided to go and I had to do something.

So here is where I stand my friends. My plan now is to stop snooping. It only stresses me out and I make wrong moves. Relax. Hit the gym. Go out more and have fun. Also I will stop calling her. I will wait for her call now. If she gets her spark back, fine, if not then I am mentally preparing myself to move on. I know I made many mistakes in the marriage but at least I did everything to save it.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

stressed_hubby said:


> I found it a bit odd because when you accuse guilty people of something they normally
> get very defevsive and angry. But she was just calm and looked disappointed.


I don't recall how, but half way through my wife's 5 year affair, I somehow either saw or heard the xOM's name. While I was home from a flight, I asked her who ___ is. She said, I don't know who you're talking about. Are you talking about our lawn cutting guy (same first name)? I told her I don't know and asked if there was someone else. 

She calmly held my face in her hands and quietly said to me, "No. There could never be anyone else. I love YOU."

Don't trust the way someone acts.

Anyway, you got the standard "I'm in love with you but I'm not in love with you" commentary. I'll ask my wife if she's still got her copy of the Cheater's Guide around somewhere. Somehow they all get the manual and memorize the scripts.


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## stressed_hubby (Jan 26, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> I don't recall how, but half way through my wife's 5 year affair, I somehow either saw or heard the xOM's name. While I was home from a flight, I asked her who ___ is. She said, I don't know who you're talking about. Are you talking about our lawn cutting guy (same first name)? I told her I don't know and asked if there was someone else.
> 
> She calmly held my face in her hands and quietly said to me, "No. There could never be anyone else. I love YOU."
> 
> ...


But this guy is like a relative someday. It will look really really bad on them if she does something like that. As I dont have any direct proof. I am trying not to consider that she is cheating. Either way, I dont care at this moment. Her spring break is in about a month. If she wants to get back with me around that time, its fine, otherwise I am moving on with my life. At least I know that I tried my best.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Okay, man...but I'm gonna put my a-hole hat on for a minute.

LIKE a relative. LIKE. Not a relative. Not blood. And of course you don't have any direct proof because she lives far enough away from you that you had to FLY to go see her. Of course you have no proof. I didn't have any proof of my wife's affair because I was always flying and never saw a f'ng thing. Until I left my career and then it only took me a few months.

I'm saddened by your resignation. The "If she wants to get back with me around that time, its fine" is just not cool. Basically, you're condoning her behavior. Which doesn't bode well for you at all if you plan on reconciliation.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Ok, I'm skeptical.

She didn't even give you the "I love you but am not in love with you". She said she cared about you but wasn't in love with you and then referenced past relationships where she had said that. Let's assume we take her word and she is not cheating ... you are a husband that is clearly in the friend zone. It's as if she isn't even married to you.

If I had to guess, she was coming to see you during spring break to talk about this. She probably also feels an obligation to come and not a desire.

Let me ask you this. What is the point of separating? Separating is done for two reasons: to be able to get your heads together while you work on reconciliation OR to get divorced. Separating without either of those two things means that she gets to live the single life while she also has a financial safety net. I'm assuming that in addition to her school, you are also paying for other expenses such as medical insurance. She wouldn't talk divorce because she doesn't have anything to gain from a divorce. She can live her single life, which will assuredly include dating, without any consequences or having to live up to the commitment she made to you when the two of you married. She doesn't need a divorce to move on. You do.

Personally I wouldn't want to be married to someone who cared for me but didn't love me. That's not my definition of marriage. She seemed coolly detached while you were pouring your heart out. I believe she doesn't love you. There is nothing you can do or say to persuade her into being in love with you.

Let me ask. Did you have sex with her while you were there? Did she take you back to the airport? Did she kiss and hug you goodbye? Beyond what you told us, was there any interaction that would lead you to believe she still cared for you?

Sorry for being cruelly blunt with all that you are going through. I could be wrong but that is my take on it. I have no motive to push you in any direction but can only offer my objective opinion.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

She want a separation?
You are already separated, for almost two years already!!
And she's rethinking to com at spring breal becuase you snooped after geting the ILYBINILWY/I want a divorce speech? 
And you won't snoop ever ever again. You will be a good boy from now on?
And you are all to blame?
And if she sees no spark at spring break what?

I still smell a rat. And I live across the ocean.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Stressed

I hope you are back home now.

Your wife needs to grow up. And so do you.

Have a great spring break with her. Stop apologizing.

Adn when she dumps you again suprise her. Have the divorce papers all ready for her to sign.

Then when she is gone. Reach down between your legs. Squeeze your nuts real tight. feel the pain.

I hope that awakens something inside of you.

Then get on a plane, go visit your brother. Have a great time in Europe.

Then get on a plane, go to India and have fun with your parents.

Then go home and start your life over.

Like I said enjoy Spring Break. Whatever happens happens.

Just stop apologizing for her behavior and take control of yours.....

HM64


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

stressed_hubby said:


> Friends, here is the latest update from me. I flew on Saturday and went directly to my wife's relatives house. My wife was alone in the house. She asked me what I was doing there. I told her I am here to save my marriage. She said she doesn't want to stay married. I asked her why. She said she cares about me but is not in live with me. I tried to persuade her but she was convinced that she is not in love. She was also pissed that I showed up without telling her. I was really
> disappointed and then decided its time to quit pursuing her. I started crying and told her that I know she has been texting a guy a lot. She said she is not cheating and was disappointed that I have been snooping on her. But she wasn't mad at all for snooping and was very calm about it. I found it a bit odd because when you accuse guilty people of something they normally get very defensive and angry. But she was just calm and looked disappointed. I also cried in front of her and told her that
> I have been miserable. I know people here told me not to cry or accuse her of cheating without evidence. But at that point I had given up. I was not trying to save thee marriage any more. At the end I told her that I am going to leave and this will be the last time she will hear from me. When I said that she was surprised. Anyway, after that I went directly to her moms house. I hugged her and started crying. I told her that my wife wants to leave me. She said I know and was really sad. She said she really wants things to work out. But then she told me that my wife was still
> planning to come see me on spring break!! I was shocked. I said really? She said yes, she just told her last night. I realized that my wife wasn't done with out relationship!!! She told her mom just last night that she wants to see where we stand on spring break!! I was regretting accusing her of cheating and all. I immediately went to see my wife and apologized for making accusations on her.
> ...


So, she made you beg, told you it was all your fault, gave you the "I love you but" speech, gave you the "I was going to but" speech, she excused her texting, said it was okay because it was a pretend "relative," keeps a checklist of your faults, never told you about those faults, and you still think it is your fault? 

I'd be checking those records, right now, to see how quick she texted her "relative not relative" after our discussion.



> So here is where I stand my friends. My plan now is to stop snooping. It only stresses me out and I make wrong moves. Relax. Hit the gym. Go out more and have fun. Also I will stop calling her.


This is the only part of your post that makes sense.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Nicely done.

[/sarcasm]

Seriously dude, why are you here if you won't fvcking listen to all of us that have been through this? You haven't wasted much of my time, but you certainly have plenty of others.

This was the biggest pvssy confrontation I've seen in at least a year.

Good luck. Just....damn.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

3putt said:


> Seriously dude, why are you here if you won't fvcking listen to all of us that have been through this. You haven't wasted much of my time, but you certainly have plenty of others.
> 
> This was the biggest pvssy confrontation I've seen in at least a year.
> 
> Good luck. Just....damn.


:iagree:

Just kept smh as I read a total capitulation. It's like he asked for advice to know what NOT to do. 

Well, take comfort that it's not a total stranger who's banging you wife - he's banging - you're begging. Sumpin' wrong with this picture!


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Well I just wasn't going to say anything but damn dude. What you should have done and should do has already been posted so I'm just going to quote what you did wrong.



> I tried to persuade her but she was convinced that she is not in love.





> I also cried in front of her and told her that
> I have been miserable.





> Anyway, after that I went directly to her moms house. I hugged her and started crying.





> I immediately went to see my wife and apologized for making accusations on her.





> I apologized
> again and finally convinced her to come see me on spring break.





> She warned me though and said that even if she comes there is no guarantee that she will get her sparl back for me.* I said its ok. We will see what happens.*





> She did complain about all the things I did wrong during the marriage and I agreed with her.


Okay now the denial which was almost just as sad.



> I realized that my wife wasn't done with out relationship!!! She told her mom just last night that she wants to see where we stand on spring break!!





> She was talking about separating but she didn't talk about divorce at all! She wasn't thinking about it.





> By the way, the guy who has been texting her is LIKE a relative. Not a blood relative but like a relative nonetheless.


And to wrap it all up



> I hope my trip doesn't backfire and ruins any chance of her coming back.



Dude, I'm sorry to break this to you but that was a ****ing train wreck.

I mean straight up


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

The conversation her and her mom are having right now:

Mom: That poor boy, smh.
Wife: Uhhhg! What do I have to do before he gets the hint? I mean I don't want to break his heart but damn!


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

S__H, the quicker you dump this broad, the sooner you will return to being a man.YOU have financed her education, her life style, now her affair. Her obvious plan is and has been all along, to dump you once she completes the education you have provided her.
As far as Her "near or like a " relative goes, it just means she calls him "daddy" when he's pumping his tube steak into her.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

hookares said:


> As far as Her "near or like a " relative goes, it just means she calls him "daddy" when he's pumping his tube steak into her.


And just to make sure you don't misinterpret that, it does not mean she actually thinks he's her biological father and he's feeding her a healthy beef laden meal to keep her protein intake up.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

My wife's EA affair, which she swore wasn't like that until I made her understand, had a "like my little brother" BS explanation. Yes, that is just "LIKE" a relative, but it is a CRAP attempt at a rugsweep. I threw it right back at her and said:
Me: "How many males, of your family, did you tell about our situation?"
Her: "None"
Me: "Hmmm not even your BROTHERS?"
Her: "......"
Me: "Now, tell me how he is LIKE A BROTHER AGAIN!"

Strange how you had to "snoop" to even find out this "relative" existed. I had to "snoop" as well, but I sure has hell didn't let her guilt trip me into accepting blame. She used my lack of a cellphone, she said I would text you more than him of you had one, happiness, pointed conversations about our marriage, my inattentiveness, and anything else under the sun. She may or may not be 100% correct, but I told her "how the [email protected]%K is talking and texting him going to fix me or us?" 

She had no answer. 

Go get help for your anxiety disorder and fix yourself. The more you type, the more she sounds like a cake eater. No, you don't have to be a rich spouse or be perfect to have a cake eater in your life.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

I'm confused. Does he think that "confrontation" went WELL? 

:scratchhead:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That was about the saddest excuse for standing up for yourself that I have seen in 10 years of giving advice on forums. Dude! that was lame. 

Tell me why she would give two figs about a man who cries, begs, and asks her to 'promise' she'll come see you?

Have you read any of the books you've no doubt been advised to read? ANY of them?


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