# Question for men: FWB has ED



## Kathrynthegreat (Apr 23, 2012)

Since my divorce I've been easing into a friends with benefits relationship with a gentleman who has been a friend for a long time. We've both stressed that the "friends" part is a lot more important than the "benefits." He's 50; I'm 30. This guy will go down on me for _days_ if I let him and is freakin' amazing. I love giving oral sex too and tried to return the favor multiple times but he would often stop me. The first time he did let me go down there I was able to bring him to completion, but this last time after 15 minutes or so of (enjoyable) work on my part, he never got hard. That's when he admitted to me that he's been having issues with ED since an accident he was in about 6 months ago (he fell off a roof). I let him know it was no big deal, made my way back up, slowly kissing and licking my way back up to his face. We made out and went to sleep. 

So I guess now I have a couple of questions:
1) Did I handle it ok?
2) I really really want to reciprocate the awesome oral sex I get from this guy. What else can I do? If a guy has ED, is it still enjoyable for a woman to go downtown just to say hi for a while, or is it frustrating and embarrassing? 
3) Like I said, we've been friends a long time and I care about this guy. I'm worried that this started suddenly after his accident. I think it would be a good idea for him to get it checked out, for health reasons if for nothing else. As an FWB, do I have the right to bring this up? If so, what's a good way to go about it?

Thanks for any help.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I'm not a guy, but from what I understand, if you bring it up or make a deal out of it, (even a small casual deal - guys seem pretty sensitive about this) that the ED can get worse.

I don't know - I would be tempted to tell him to go to doc as well, but I wouldn't want to mother him too much.

I'm sure the guys will have some more useful advice. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Serious mine field you`ve stumbled into.

You handled it well so far

A man can reach orgasm without ever gaining an erection so yes it is possible to return the oral favors.

However, I can't stress enough how sensitive men are to ED so doing so might cause him more emotional turmoil than not doing so.

You`re really going to have to talk to him about this (To get him to a doctor) and let him take the lead sexually for awhile.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

kathryn,

You did fine. Don't feel bad at all. 

But if you care for him, as a friend or anything else, you should advise him to see a MD. ED can be a symptom of something serious.


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## Kathrynthegreat (Apr 23, 2012)

Thanks for the insight. I agree that he should see the doc, especially since this started after the accident. Just unsure of how to bring it up/how much to push it since I'm not his wife, girlfriend, or mother. I am glad to hear I handled it well. Last night he let me know he was ready, so I was able to go down on him which made me happy. Him too haha.  Like tacoma said, looks like I'll just need to be really sensitive and let him take the lead. No surprise blowjobs.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

As a guy, I'd agree you handled it well. I'd say you can even continue the "surprise BJ's", but just be sensitive to his response if he indicates he'd prefer something else. And yes, a doc may very well be able to help him.

At 50, even without the accident, he may need some chemical assistance. And if he does, it's no reflection on you. Make sure you keep that in mind!

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I know for me personally, as much as I'd want to FWB type of arrangement I know I wouldn't be able to perform because I'd be afraid of either risking the friendship or feel dishonest because sex makes me bond emotionally, I could even be really really horny yet still not be able to get it going and it would be completely psychological - are you CERTAIN his performance issues are from the accident or is that just his cover to feel like not less of a virile man?


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## c2500 (Aug 17, 2011)

Kathryn,

I was climbing onto a roof back in December, and the ladder slipped out from under me as I climbed onto the roof. I fell, landed on my feet, then fell backward. I fractured a vertebra (spelling?) and trashed my back at my waist line. I can assure you that the jarring I took messed alot of things up. Things related to that area quit working normally. I never suffered from ED, but (not trying to be gross) I would urinate, be done, then end up wetting myself because apparently I wasn't. It was a good 5 months before that issue went away. While there could be some psychological aspect, I suspect some of the issue is just being injured from a fall. I would advise talking with his doctor. I have been poked and prodded so there is not anything left to be modest about. I am 44, so there is not a major age difference. One other question...is he on blood pressure medication? That can be a side effect.

c2500


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## Kathrynthegreat (Apr 23, 2012)

Lon said:


> are you CERTAIN his performance issues are from the accident or is that just his cover to feel like not less of a virile man?


Of course you can't be 100% sure of another person's motivations, but if he had a big issue with it I'm thinking he might not keep calling and asking me to come over. 



c2500 said:


> One other question...is he on blood pressure medication? That can be a side effect.
> 
> c2500


Nope, no meds. Good suggestion though.


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## MindOverMatter (Jul 1, 2012)

Kathryn, I think you handled that about as well as you could have. The tricky part of ED is that it can be a host of factors that causes it, but certainly, a trip to the doctor is in order. It may be that a little chemical intervention is all he needs. 

Is it possible that he's having some form of performance anxiety?


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## Kathrynthegreat (Apr 23, 2012)

MindOverMatter said:


> Kathryn, I think you handled that about as well as you could have. The tricky part of ED is that it can be a host of factors that causes it, but certainly, a trip to the doctor is in order. It may be that a little chemical intervention is all he needs.
> 
> Is it possible that he's having some form of performance anxiety?


It's possible. I'm doing everything I can to emphasize that there's no need to "perform"-- by common consent we're not having PIV sex so it's just him missing out on oral-- and he's told me he had the same issue when he tried to fly solo. So I'm hoping and thinking that's not the case.

By the way, thanks for bumping this topic. I'm still interested to hear peoples' insights.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You can read more details here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/19213-dealing-low-testosterone-hypogonadism.html

One of the biggest issues for me is the inability to determine what is legitimately physical, vs. legitimately psychological; because when it comes to this particular issue, they are invariably intertwined.

Bottom line for me is that the more intimate, close and comfortable I feel with a partner, generally the issue resolves itself ... because you aren't thinking about it or worrying about it every time intimacy or sex becomes part of the picture. 

Until that time, it is difficult to avoid thoughts about what your partner thinks of it. I will tell you from direct experience, that women will say, "don't worry about it...", and "it doesn't matter ..." but it does matter ... 

It takes a toll on both partners. I have had women take it quite personally, wondering if there is something wrong with them, and I can't possibly convey how frustrating and demoralizing it is when you WANT to be intimate and make it clear to your partner that you desire them, and lack of an erection makes them question if that is in fact the case.
And of course it only gets worse if you express that frustration.

I have had 3 relationships end as a result of either my partners, or my own inability to work past the initial issues with ED.

If he is also having difficulty with self-arousal or masturbation, then there is likely some biochemistry involved. Suggest he gets his T levels and PSA checked.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Lon said:


> I know for me personally, as much as I'd want to FWB type of arrangement I know I wouldn't be able to perform because I'd be afraid of either risking the friendship or feel dishonest because sex makes me bond emotionally, I could even be really really horny yet still not be able to get it going and it would be completely psychological - are you CERTAIN his performance issues are from the accident or is that just his cover to feel like not less of a virile man?


My husband needs an emotional connection to have sex especially at his age. A FWB situation would never work with him either.


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## Kathrynthegreat (Apr 23, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> My husband needs an emotional connection to have sex especially at his age. A FWB situation would never work with him either.


Just because we're friends first and there's a physical component doesn't mean there's no emotional connection. We're not dating and I'm not his girlfriend, but we certainly care about each other. Often I'll pick up some carryout and a movie and we just snuggle under a blanket and watch some cheesy 80's action flick. We're not in love and there's no knight on a white horse, but there's certainly a connection.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Lon said:


> I know for me personally, as much as I'd want to FWB type of arrangement I know I wouldn't be able to perform because I'd be afraid of either risking the friendship or feel dishonest because sex makes me bond emotionally, I could even be really really horny yet still not be able to get it going and it would be completely psychological


I think Guys like you are great Lon, even though these issues arise... I know my husband is the same... Even when he was young & raring to go with a wind blowing... he has told me -he could never just sleep with a woman for pleasure, it is not in him ...he needs the emotional connection or he would prefer his hand. To him, it would be wrong, doesn't mean he couldn't have done it I suppose, but he would have been very conflicted, not sure he could separate the 2.

Some men are just like this...and even more so in older age - I would assume, as the lust hormone has dropped considerably.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I think Guys like you are great Lon, even though these issues arise... I know my husband is the same... Even when he was young & raring to go with a wind blowing... he has told me -he could never just sleep with a woman for pleasure, it is not in him ...he needs the emotional connection or he would prefer his hand. To him, it would be wrong, doesn't mean he couldn't have done it I suppose, but he would have been very conflicted, not sure he could separate the 2.
> 
> Some men are just like this...and even more so in older age - I would assume, as the lust hormone has dropped considerably.


When I was younger I didn't think it was ever an issue, thought I'd be ready on command, however I never actually had a chance to find out, every partner was a LTR and so I never had any kind of performance anxiety.

But it was too slow a pace, I would rather things had been sexual sooner, chalk it up to my lack of assertiveness. Now though, I've had a chance to find out with a new woman, we were pretty much getting it on, on our second date - I don't know it is age or just my own psychology, and whether it is temporary or just the way I was wired, but believe me it wasn't a matter of "lust" that was there, total desire to _fck_, my hips were aching to, but as soon as the zipper went down, limp. I never had that much desire and frustration before, in fact I was so jealous at that moment of females, because even in a non-physically aroused state they can push through that with a little lube. And during the same sessions with her, at random moments in bed together, when I wasn't expecting it, up it went, really well, 100% capacity harder than usual in fact, and we'd seize the opportunities, sometimes it would last and sometimes it would go. When it stayed it was so hot, I yearn for that, but it was like an erection lotto.

So I presume for me it is all psychological, and the only reason I'm sharing this in such detail is to show just how strongly a guys physiology can be linked to his psychology, though there is a lot of denial about this... in one way I am jealous of players who can perform for ONS of casual sex, cause I've come to the realization that is really one alpha type trait I wish I had the ability to do.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Lon I'm married to just such a guy. Even after 21 years if marriage if he doesn't feel the emotional connection with me it ain't happening. What he did instead was avoid me. Once I took the focus off sex and more on the emotional side all the problems just went away.. And his age doesn't help matters. So what he thought was aging or an ED was really a marital problem. 

Learning that men have emotional needs was the best thing I ever learned from tam.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> Lon I'm married to just such a guy. Even after 21 years if marriage if he doesn't feel the emotional connection with me it ain't happening. What he did instead was avoid me. Once I took the focus off sex and more on the emotional side all the problems just went away.. And his age doesn't help matters. So what he thought was aging or an ED was really a marital problem.
> 
> Learning that men have emotional needs was the best thing I ever learned from tam.


I think what you just wrote explains a lot about why my marriage became sexless... I was not feeling it emotionally, my W was physically absent most of the time, and looking back I think I was very emotionally neglected. I'm not saying she was the problem, but for me, despite being frustrated with my lack of sex and still being horny, I had so little interest in sex, and so little interest in pursuing her because I really felt like she no longer had any interest in me. I just wanted her to give me the look she used to have, and honestly to tell me everything will be alright, but she never did - I know that sounds kinda beta, that it should be the man who makes that statement, but I was making that statement most of the time, it was falling on deaf ears and I just wanted some acknowledgement.

Relating this back to the OP, I wonder since she has said that they don't even have PiV sex, if his "ED" really is just a sign that he thinks she isn't interested, after all they are just cuddle buddies that like to play 3rd base, and they are not in it for a long term relationship or romantic love.


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## Kathrynthegreat (Apr 23, 2012)

Lon said:


> Relating this back to the OP, I wonder since she has said that they don't even have PiV sex, if his "ED" really is just a sign that he thinks she isn't interested, after all they are just cuddle buddies that like to play 3rd base, and they are not in it for a long term relationship or romantic love.


Entirely possible. Of course if that's the case then I have no idea what I can do about it. . . .


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Kathrynthegreat said:


> Entirely possible. Of course if that's the case then I have no idea what I can do about it. . . .


Just communicate and if you are happy the way things are give him some affirmation. You don't really have to do anything different I think.

Unless you want more, he may not be able to go further until he feels a sense of committment from you, so unless you want more of an exclusive type of relationship you shouldn't expect more from him, unless he genuinely feels otherwise. Or maybe its just the normal aging and he needs continuous physical stimulation to stay up.


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