# When and should I be worried



## pmoon (Apr 15, 2012)

Sorry for wall of text but the situation is very complicated.

Background: Me and wife have been married for 7 years and have had 5 children. We have always had a rough life but we stuck through things together. I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis and am on disability and she now works instead of me. Over the last few years I became addicted to online gaming (non-gambling) and was told to stop so I did. Later I was given permission to go back to online games and I got into the same addictive pattern. Last year due to reductions in school loans and work schedule our financials crumbled and we were evicted. I took the kids a state over to live with my parents and my wife stayed in state to keep her job and we started to save money to rebuild ourselves.

The Problem Starts: At first she would visit on her days off but then excuses started to keep her from coming to visit. Eventually I noticed she was acting distant and asked if she was ok. Still in doubt of her answer that everything was fine and when she started rejecting places to move away from her job I decided to access her face book. My fears were confirmed and I confronted her about the evidence. At first she denied it but later that day admitted she was in love with someone else but it was not sexual. The relationship had been going on for 2 months admitted by her with her co-worker.It would take another 3 months and me catching her in a lie 3 times (she said she stopped dating to give me another chance but in reality didn't.) before we finally agreed to a agreement. 

The agreement: I would never touch online gaming again and she would just be friends with him and admit that an emotional affair is cheating and that she wont do that to me again. I wasn't happy with the compromise but I love my wife and was desperate to avoid the divorce and break up of the family that a failure to compromise would bring as she was prepared to take the kids and stay with him.

The present situation: I have been having difficulty with the present situation. She is indeed friends with him and for the most part our relationship has normalized. But she still goes down to visit him3-4 times a week, talks to him daily, and gets into very emotional arguments with him about the possibility he cheated on her when they were together. The arguments happen about once a week to once every other week and I get to pick up the pieces as the arguments depress her and cause her to cry. I have tried to tell her that i think that the relationship is not healthy. Such a conversation always ends with us fighting and her yelling that I don't trust her and she would never do that to me again because she loves and is proud of me keeping my promises. Finally last night after she came from his house late after work then immediately started texting him and getting into a fight I had finally had enough. I demanded that she end the friendship because it didn't feel like a normal friendship and I'm getting tired of hearing about him all the time, having my kids talk about him all the time, and having to be friendly and let him spend the nights at our house on occasion. She flew into a rage and said fine she just wont have any friends. I said she could have friends but she cant stay friends with her ex. Finally I was presented with the choice. They remain friends or she walks out. I had no choice but too back down.

The question: She swears up and down she is staying faithful to me and that I must trust her. I cant imagine someone able to live a double life like this where she is in a relationship with him but comes home to me and has a loving relationship with me too but the facts remain that their is history and the behavior is very strange. I have been considering hacking her phone to find evidence but after the fallout for the Facebook hack I am reluctant too with out some reasonable expectation of finding evidence. 

Should I be concerned with the behavior, is it normal, and how should I go about dealing with this?

Thanks for reading and responding.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Oh my God!! I can't believe you let her be frirends with someone she was cheating you on, and probably still is!!
You should have told her to interrupt contacts with him right away!! How can she talk about him when she gets home? She's more worried about him than she is about you!!
I can't believe you allow her to have emotional argument infront of you!!!! 
Seek for kid's custudy and dump her!


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## lou (Apr 22, 2011)

Sorry, friend. You need to put your foot down and HARD. You're making sacrifices and shes doing **** ALL. Pack her bags and tell you can't live in a marriage with 3 people.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

You can't be serious. She has no respect for you. If the roles were reversed would she accept this like you? If you don't respect yourself then who will? You are acting very very foolish. This will all end badly for you.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

pmoon said:


> Sorry for wall of text but the situation is very complicated.
> 
> Background: Me and wife have been married for 7 years and have had 5 children. We have always had a rough life but we stuck through things together. I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis and am on disability and she now works instead of me. Over the last few years I became addicted to online gaming (non-gambling) and was told to stop so I did. Later I was given permission to go back to online games and I got into the same addictive pattern. Last year due to reductions in school loans and work schedule our financials crumbled and we were evicted. I took the kids a state over to live with my parents and my wife stayed in state to keep her job and we started to save money to rebuild ourselves.
> 
> ...


No it isn't normal, and your wife hasn't 'ended' anything. Friends. Ya, right.

Not to sound disrespectful, but you are allowing her to walk all over you.

How to deal? Get her to fully cut him out ASAP. If he's married, expose, expose, expose. She works with him? Contact the company's HR dept. Oh, and she MUST quit the job and find something else.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

She probably had sex with him either before or after you first confronted her.

She probably still is having sex with him.

Do you realize how strange it sounds that she argues with him about how she is accusing the other man of cheating on her?

I sympathize with your position. You are afraid she will get custody because of your past online gaming addiction and/or because she is the mother, even though you are a stay-at-home dad.

*"Finally I was presented with the choice. They remain friends or she walks out."*

So she chose the other man over you. No other choice than to file for divorce or remain as her backup plan.

*"I had no choice but too back down."*

No one here in cyber space is going to agree with you about this. Very few people you meet in real life will agree with you about this either. A person with normal self-esteem and self-respect would not tolerate what you are tolerating. Your wife's behavior toward you is deplorable. I don't understand how you could say you love her.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

The OM sounds like quite the catch. After all, he's willing to take your wife and her five (5) kids in. I don't know any man (or woman) that would take on such a challenge. Unless your wife is Angelina Jolie. Brad, is that you?

Grow a pair and put your foot down. You're seriously allowing her to continue her 'special friendship' with this home wrecker? Have some pride in yourself, man.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

At least talk to a lawyer about the custody situation. She just can't take the kids. Sounds like your just the babysitter.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

You need to arrange for your STBXW to start paying the child support. See an attorney immediately. You're the sole caregiver, so make sure your attorney knows that.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

She walks out. She is threatening to walk out for a friendship. Doesn't it make it obvious that it is more than that? Find your self respect. 

And snoop her facebook and phone if you have to. That is the only way to confirm sometimes. Not the best way but you need to protect yourself. She cheated once. She is deeply attached to him. She can do it again very easily. 


P.S: It is most likely they had a physical affair.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

She has you over a barrel, and you can't really do anything about it---cuz of finances, among other things

She has already backed you down, and it is obvious, that you are nothing but sloppy 2nds

Where are the kids, if they are with you, why are they being influenced to think well of him

Normally I would say leave him alone, and deal with your wife---but she doesn't care----There is really only one other thing you can do---go after him via a lawsuit

There are 7 states that allow suit for criminal conversation, or alienation of affection-----all states allow suit for intentional infliction of emotional distress

Go to google, look up the info---look up the torts, and go from there

Talk to an atty., if you wish----your wife said she doesn't care about you---but that doesn't mean her lover is 100% into her, and in all actuality, if push came to shove, and his finances were threated, to the point where it became money vs her----money would probably win out----


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> The OM sounds like quite the catch. After all, he's willing to take your wife and her five (5) kids in. I don't know any man (or woman) that would take on such a challenge. Unless your wife is Angelina Jolie. Brad, is that you?
> 
> *Grow a pair and put your foot down. You're seriously allowing her to continue her 'special friendship' with this home wrecker? Have some pride in yourself, man*.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

you essentially had to go "no contact" with online gaming

why isn't she going "no contact" with her own addiction?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Stop letting her blackmail you with the kids, I would think the OM would kick her out in a heart beet if he had to deal with her kids. Especially when she shows up with her crap and all the kids stuff pilled in and on top of her car.

Man up call her pluff and 100% NC or tell her start packing, in fact help her pack so as to make sure she has everything. Let OM deal with all her bagage. Have a feeling it won't last long. 

I also have a feeling that once your WW sees this kind of confidence from you she will see that you are moving on and she is about to really lose you.

Some times you just have to push them furture away to get them to come back.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Let her go, she will come back crawling.................


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

I just get so sick reading what ppl will put up with and call themselves men or women. SERIOUSLY, he stays in your house, DUDE what man wants a woman with 5 kids except for sex. BUT, just think what a KICK he gets banging her in your house after you are asleep. Then eating breakfast in your face the next morning. CALL him to come get her and the kids, bet that scare him sh###less. as for you, stop feeling sorry for yourself, an feel proud for all you have put up with to save the marriage, then pull the trigger. Once he dumps her, she WILL be back. And if she don't how worst off are you, she won't want the kids all the time and will be begging you to take them. because she wont be able to get a guy for anything but sex.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> I just get so sick reading what ppl will put up with and call themselves men or women. SERIOUSLY, he stays in your house, DUDE what man wants a woman with 5 kids except for sex. BUT, just think what a KICK he gets banging her in your house after you are asleep. Then eating breakfast in your face the next morning. CALL him to come get her and the kids, bet that scare him sh###less. as for you, stop feeling sorry for yourself, an feel proud for all you have put up with to save the marriage, then pull the trigger. Once he dumps her, she WILL be back. And if she don't how worst off are you, she won't want the kids all the time and will be begging you to take them. because she wont be able to get a guy for anything but sex.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


He cant even stop his wife ****ing OM sh*it on his face, Why these men are too weak? Is it the reason for her to treat him like a cuckold? his weakness and her knowledge about it? from where she got the courage to say that OM or walk away from her family and children?

Now its time for you to grow a pair and stand for your right. Let other man take care of her and her children. He will run to the Everest to escape from a shi*t like her.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Pmoon - 

#1 She is still in the AFFAIR 
#2 It was physical then and NOW
#3 She is still dating him. She is out with him 3-4 times a week and staying late over at his house. She is fighting with him about his seeing other girls. 

Only a woman in a relationship would be worried about her guy dating other girls.

You didn't have her end the affair - you gave her conditions under which she will lie and continue it with your permission.

Wow.

Instead of accepting this - you need to set a new condition: The affair ends NOW - no good byes - no limited contact - NO CONTACT - NO AFFAIR - and you might stay with her. 

other wise, simply file for divorce and tell her to go live fulltime with her BF instead of lying to you and coming back home at night after she's been with him.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

pmoon said:


> Finally I was presented with the choice. They remain friends or she walks out. I had no choice but too back down.


DUDE!!!! She basically is telling you that she values her "friendship" with this douche rocket more than her own family!!!!!! 

This is just more than a friendship, no woman would give up her family over a friend. She has been cheating on you. SHe has been lying to you. And you shouldn't back down from her or let her strong arm you. 

I would find out more about this guy. Is he married? Does he have a girlfriend? Do they work together? It sounds like he's ready to throw her under the bus at any moment. So, you need to expose this to their work or his wife/girlfriend. Guarantee you that he'll ditch her in a New York minute. So, don't tell her your doing this, just do it! No warnings for them to get there story straight. Now, she will threaten you when you do this, "I was gonna stay and work things out, but after this....." Ignore it. It's them venting because you ended things.

Dude, don't be scared to lose her, because at this moment, you've lost her already with her threat. Time to start working on you!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

WTF Dude?

Your wife quits her job, never speaks to the OM again or ship her **** to her along with divorce papers!!

Jesus!!


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