# SAHM eating and energy...



## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

My wife is a SAHM. 

Until a few weeks ago, she was complaining daily about being tired and begin drained, but not being able to sleep. 

At the same time, she was getting a bit quick with me or jumping on me for doing something stupid. We had a big fight, and at the end, I pretty much told her how I felt and she's stopped telling me she's tired. Now, she's kind of pretending she never said it. 

She doesn't eat all day. Her first meal is typically 9pm. I'm confident this is her problem, but she claims that she's a SAHM and she doesn't have enough time to eat. I remind her that she has time to smoke cigs and typically is having a beer when I get home. 

So every time we have this conversation, she kind of concedes that that is her problem and it's clear, but then she goes back to saying she doesn't have time to eat. I don't have trouble finding time to eat when I'm watching the kids alone. 

So she says that she doesn't have time to cook the type of food that wants. I told her that I don't either, but I still eat.

It's odd that when she thought she had some sort of deficiency, she was tired, now that it's about food, she's not. 

So I've brought it up to her, but we go back and forth. I say the reason you are so tired... She says "I'm not tired". She says it's because "I'm a SAHM". I say it has to be even more difficult to be SAHM and not eat. 

Now, she says food makes her tired. 

Whenever I bring it up, she gets very evasive. She has had an eating disorder in the past, but she doens't appear to be not eating for the sake of weight loss. I think she's convinced herself she doesn't have time to eat. That gives her less energy. Which in turn allows her to get less stuff done so she doesn't eat. 

I 100% believe she'd be in a better state of mind if she ate earlier in the day. How do I convince her?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think she has bigger problems. Is she in counseling?


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

How many kids is she taking care of?


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

Nikita2270 said:


> How many kids is she taking care of?


2 kids. Almost 2YO and almost 4YO.
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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Please clarify a few things.nWhy are you concerned she's not eating?

Does she have/had anorexia? Or overweight?

Are you feeling she's lazy around the home? 

Are the kids eating on time and healthy?

Is she making a family dinner but skips it for beer?


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

She has time to eat. She doesn't want to eat. Maybe she doesn't have the appetite to eat. Could she be depressed?

How healthy is her current weight? 

What did she have in the past - anorexia or bulimia ?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Is she feeding the children regularly? Are they healthy meals? Is she making the kids dinner and if so, why isn't she making dinner for you and her as well?

You could tell her that children typically follow the example of their parents in eating habits. If she wants her children to grow up with extremely bad eating habits, or even eating disorders, she's certainly going the right way about it.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Besides the taking care of the kids what else does she do? Cook? Clean?

It's a bit odd not to have time to eat, are the kids eating?
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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

When I read your description it does sound like depression. Her current situation could be the cause.

Did she used to work? Being a SAHM isn't for everybody. If she is spending her days in a fatigued haze, and her evenings sipping beer, maybe going back to work would help her feel like her old self again.

Also, I had kids back to back and when they are young this can be over whelming. I ended up getting my wife additional help even though she fought me on it. I could tell she was over whelmed but she had it in her head that admitting it would mean failure as a mom. Do you have any relatives that can give her a break during the week? Also, bringing in a maid to do the heavy lifting on cleaning can also be helpful.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

She had bulimia when she was 16. She isn't displaying the symptoms of bulimia, though. 

She is on Effexor for Depression.

She takes huge offense to this, but I can see she's not focused and it takes her a long time to complete simple tasks. She'll walk away to do something and come back an hour later and it's not done. In the past, she'd say shes too tired to focus. She thinks she has chronic fatique syndrome, Lupas or some type of mono. At least that's what she said a couple of days ago. 

As soon as I brought up eating, she pretended she never said she's tired. I pointed out that she's been diagnosing herself because of her fatigue. 

The kids eat healthy. We typically order dinner, but when we don't either I'll cook or she'll cook. She doesn't tend to eat with us though. I've made a point that she should sit down with us, but she just says she's not tired. 

She does nearly all of the household chores. But, her mother helps her do laundry and my parents take the kids once a week. 

We aren't struggling, but we also don't have the money to hire a maid. I am also a bit uncomfortable with having people in my house. If she asked me for specific help on something I'll jump in and help and possibly do it all. 

When she was talking about how unhappy she was being a SAHM, I suggested she could get a job. She got really mad. Now, she claims she likes being a SAHM, but she's too tired.

I just want to make sure I'm not making something of nothing... If a SAHM doesn't eat all day and is saying she's tired, you see her being irritable, she's talking about chronic fatigue disorders, complaining she cannot sleep despite sleeping until 11am somedays; but you find out she's not eating anythign until 10pm. Doesn't it seem like eating more regularly will fix a lot of her issues? 

She has back problems as do I. She's been diagnosed with fibromyalgia. So she thinks that's the reason she's like this. I think she would feel a lot better if she ate despite those ailments. When my back is out, I'm miserable. But if I didn't eat anythign, I'd be miserable, irritable, unfocused, etc...


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Even though she's not displaying symptoms of bulimia, she is displaying disordered thinking/behavior regarding food. So don't discount an eating disorder just because it's not the same eating disorder she had earlier. 

Also, she sounds depressed. If she's on medication for that, wonderful. Is it truly helping? Is she also seeing a therapist? She should be.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Can you hand her a multivitamin every day and watch her take it?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I think you need to get her to a doctor, and this is coming from someone who might see a doctor once a year, and only because I sometimes get issues with my ears. She's not going to listen to you.


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## Cleigh (Dec 5, 2013)

Your wife sounds like me but without the history of an eating disorder. Around the same ages my boys were as well now that I think about it. When my boys were 2 and 4 (21 months difference) I was tired all the time. I never eat during the day. I don't eat until dinner time, I just can't stomach it, especially at breakfast time. I started smoking only 3 years ago as I came off anti depressants and since then I haven't felt as tired as I normally do. I can actually get through a whole day without a sleep which is very different for me. I think making friends once the kids started school really helped because I was getting out with new people and once my body got use to being awake it just became the norm. I even go out to boot camp twice a week now which I never thought possible because a) I'm a fatty and hate exercise and b) I was always way to exhausted by 6pm.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think she does not feel loved, OP. If she felt loved, she would be trusting enough to share her inner feelings with you. It would be safe.

I think you are not loving her in the way she needs to be loved, either because you simply don't know how, or because you have your own issues that you need to address.

Yep, she has all her own issues that need to be addressed, mainly by her, with help from a therapist and you. But you need to look at your own issues, too. 

That really is where you can do the most good: getting as healthy as you can yourself, and being a strong support to her.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

jld said:


> I think she does not feel loved, OP. If she felt loved, she would be trusting enough to share her inner feelings with you. It would be safe.
> 
> I think you are not loving her in the way she needs to be loved, either because you simply don't know how, or because you have your own issues that you need to address.
> 
> ...


Well, I've been on a 3-year push to better myself in many ways. 

I came to this site trying to improve our sex life. That post brought up lots of underlying issues, but also gave me a strategy to try in regards to our sex life. It seems to be working and is also improving our non-sex based intimacy. 

Yesterday, I called her midday to "whisper a sweet nothing" into her ear. She brought up that I'm giving her a hard time about eating and we somehow ended up arguing over it. 

So I'm trying to work on our issues one at a time. 

Since not eating can cause a lot of the symptoms that she's seeing DR's for, I think its a pretty important issue that should be dealt with. DR's will listen to you, but they don't know things you don't tell them. She doesn't mention this to her DR's. 

When I bring it up, I'm criticizing her parenting. I feel like I'm responding to the last two years of her being so tired she thinks she has a condition.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

turnera said:


> Can you hand her a multivitamin every day and watch her take it?


She takes a multivitamin every day. But, I think that she almost considers it a substitute for eating. 

I've always lived by the rule that people who need multivitamins are people with deficiencies or other reasons. If you are taking a multivitamin to make up for a bad diet, you are doing yourself an injustice and should improve you diet.

For healthy people, multivitamins are useless.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yes, but you can't make her change. You can't make her care. So as long as she's at least getting something through a vitamin, that's all you can do.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Could you call her doctor yourself and talk to him or her?


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## code20 (Feb 5, 2014)

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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

Your wife sounds depressed. My grandmother was given Effexor for her depression after my grandfather died and it never worked for her. Actually, one of her side effects was that she completely lost her appetite and she would barely eat anything. Maybe you should talk to her doctor about switching her to a different drug.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

She needs to see a psychiatrist or psychologist. If I were you I would not be shy about forcing her to do it, and being very blunt about it. 

Everything you posted sounds like a mental health issue at its core. Physical symptoms can manifest from mental illness. This is coming from someone who suffers with lifelong mental illness. 

Just because she is on an antidepressant, it doesn't mean it's working. One of the "fun" things about mental illness is that your meds and treatment can be working great....until one day they're not. It's not unusual to have to change meds or change dosages or supplement with extra therapy or other meds to get back on track. I find this is especially true when there's been a big change in my life...such as having kids, changing jobs, being put on other meds for other things (I, too, have other chronic pain and fatigue problems). 

Someone with a tendency for disordered thinking never loses that. It can wax and wane throughout life but it's always there and requires vigilance to keep it at bay. Her history proves she struggles with this. 

If you need to, make it about how she needs to be healthy and set a good example for the kids. That is honestly what always gets me to take better care of myself. I have a strong history of mental illness in my family and I sometimes feel that genetically I had no chance to be free from it, but one thing that severely lacked when I was growing up were role models that showed me how to cope and take care of themselves. I am desperate to show my kids that even IF they end up with this problem it doesn't have to rule their life. 

That is really hard because one of the hallmarks of suffering with this is total apathy about myself....not wanting to feel better, not able to find my way out of the fog to take steps to get better.

I feel badly for my H who has to try to navigate how to deal with me when I am at my worst. When I am at my best I have asked him to not be shy about being more forceful with me when I am down...sometimes I feel that if someone "slapped me across the face" (not literally) and told me to get my sh!t together it would be better than what he usually does...which is tiptoe around me and try to nice his way out of it.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

kag123 said:


> I feel badly for my H who has to try to navigate how to deal with me when I am at my worst. When I am at my best I have asked him to not be shy about being more forceful with me when I am down...sometimes I feel that if someone "slapped me across the face" (not literally) and told me to get my sh!t together it would be better than what he usually does...which is tiptoe around me and try to nice his way out of it.


Have you seen this?

Marriage and the Long-Term Borderline Relationship


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

jld said:


> I think she does not feel loved, OP. If she felt loved, she would be trusting enough to share her inner feelings with you. It would be safe.
> 
> I think you are not loving her in the way she needs to be loved, either because you simply don't know how, or because you have your own issues that you need to address.
> 
> ...


It's not always as easy as that. I always knew my DH loved me, but after the birth of my 2nd child I was suffering but couldn't express to anyone how I was feeling or why. I didn't know. I didn't understand it. I didn't know what to do or when I'd get better, or even if I'd ever get better. It wasn't about him not doing enough for me, but a lot to do with not having a true support network around me (grandparents, uncles, aunties, sisters, brothers etc). 

Friendships can sometimes help fill these gaps in our lives. Nearly every woman I know who didn't have a very good support network after the birth of their second child suffered depression.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Sadly, breeze, women often do not have the support they need. It really can be a challenge to develop a network.

What helped you?


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

Her not eating is a VERY serious matter, one you should take into your own hands. She physically NEEDS to eat. Waiting until 9 pm is NOT okay. I really hope you do something about this.


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