# Confused & in a fog...feel like I'm going crazy...



## Luvmypups (Feb 13, 2013)

Hi there, Need some help from someone that has been possibly in this same situation. Will give you the short story.

Met my first husband at 16. Got married at 22, had my daughter at 23. Then at 31 years old out of the blue he says he doesnt love me anymore and please take myself and daughter and move out of our home which I did stupidly. "He needed some time to figure out what he wanted." So I got an apartment for a few months told him I'm moving back home. He said ok. He wasnt ready to work on the marriage after another 3 months, so I grabbed some newspapers, told him to move out in a week. Which he did. I was devastated by this. I had no idea anything was wrong. I went to counseling for 7 months to make myself feel like I had self worth. 

We both decided that we would live our separate lives and get a divorce whenever. By this time I had it together was dating after about a year of this and felt good! I lost weight, had a good job, a great relationship with my daughter. By this time I knew I could make it on my own and decided I didnt need a man to make me happy. 

So after I make this decision, I met a great man. I was 32 years old at this point almost 33. We were like old souls that knew each other forever. I knew this was my next husband. So after seeing him for about 8 months my first husband (still not divorced from his basically for financial reasons) calls me up and decides he wants his family back. I went thru hell emotionally and it took a long time to get my life back on track. I told him "No" I don't trust you not to hurt me again. It was a feeling of I will always love you but I can't live with you any longer.

Fast forward to today...I ended up marrying my old soul. We have been married this month for 21 years! Been together for almost 23 years. He's a great guy but not without faults and I definately have my own. Marriage is work for sure but with him I don't mind working as hard as I can to stay married for the rest of our lives. He feels the same way.

Cruising along...last month my ex-brother in law died at an early age. This was how I met my first husband. This brought up grief as he was a great person. I heard thru my daughter how it affected my ex. It absolutely broke my heart. Then to find out my ex has heart problems and come to find out with all the tests that he will be fine. Then my daughter says to me that she wants to do a scrapbook for my ex and wants old pictures of us when we were young, how we met, wedding pics, etc...Those were some great 
memories and when I look at them I can't help but cry.

Ok, here lies my problem...I realize that I still love my ex-husband... I've crying for a week now and its driving me crazy. I dont know how to handle these feelings. I am the type of gal that wears her heart on her sleeve. When I love you get my whole heart and soul. Do I love my current husband you ask? Yes, with all my heart. I know its possible to love two men but for different reasons. The love of my life is my ex. But decided it wouldnt work for my own self preservation. My current husband...Loving, a steady Eddie, would give you the shirt off of his back. 

Any idea why these feeling would come back after 20 some odd years of being apart from my ex??? I went thru this craziness once with my emotions and an going thru it again and I really dont want to. 

Sorry this is so long, but wanted to give you as much info as I could. Can anyone help me out here??? Thanks for reading!


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

All the amateur psychologists here will jump in with all kinds of theories. I can't help you with how you feel, but can only offer warning. Until you get things back under control, you probably want to stay well and truly clear of your ex. Nothing is easier than falling into an old pattern with a well-worn ex lover. We don't want to see you back here lamenting the one night stand you had in a rush of passion one night. 

Good luck. It will pass.


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## NostalgicConfusion (Aug 28, 2012)

Maybe all of these feelings are flooding you because of the reality of his mortality. You love your new husband and most likely belong with him and no other. There is no shame in longing for the memories of good times, but remember....you are in the current and present. 

Be your husband's wife right now and support your daughter and her needs/requests, but nothing more. 

It is natural to mourn those of the past and hopefully this is all this is. Even though he is supposedly healthy, you have still been touched by his mortality.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

I have found that as time passes, especially a LOT of time, our bad memories get suppressed but the good memories last a lifetime. About 6 months ago I broke up with my ex (we lived together) and I never looked back. Our relationship turned painful and I was suffering just being under the same roof as him. But he texted me last night to tell me he still loves me and thinks about me all the time. And my heart gushed. Tears came to my eyes. However, I snapped out of it this morning. Had to remember this man treated me horribly and chose drugs over love. 

Your situation is two fold where you are feeling nostalgic over your brother in law as he was the one to introduce you two. And you are feeling empathy for your ex. Sometimes extreme empathy may feel like feelings of love. And really, if you do love your ex, that's ok too. There are so many different types of love as you know. And you sound like someone who is full of love. 

I am a firm believer that everything works out the way it should. You met your current husband and you love him. If you had stayed with your ex you would not be as happy as you are today. 

Give it some time. These feelings may pass or you'll at least be able to put it in perspective. 

And that, my friend, is my amateur psychologist opinion.


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## Luvmypups (Feb 13, 2013)

Thank you for both for your help! I don't plan on seeing my ex at all. I wouldnt do anything stupid for the plain & simple fact is I have high morals. I wouldn't cheat on my current hubby with my ex. Its just the way I am made. My ex is re-married and has been married to his current wife for 17 years. They have no children together. I havent seen my ex for 14 years since my daughter's high school grad party. It was pretty awkward. The party was at his house as he has plenty of land and a huge house. He was standoffish and I did not want to be there. I was only there for my daughter's sake. We havent spoken since. I think for my own peace of mind and I didn't want to go back feelings of the past. However, I do get along famously with his wife. On occasion my daughter, exe's current wife and I do something together. I do these things for my daughter as she is the light of my life and I would do anything for her even if it means it might create pain for me.

Yes, I think of my exe's mortality and my own. We are both 55. My head says I'm 30, but my body says I'm 55. Sigh...I try to figure out where all the time has gone. Life happens so fast! 

Another reason I think that I am so emotional is that my ex seems to have this hold on me and its from my own making. He hasnt done anything to me to make this happen. Yes, he did play the game when we were separated early on in our breakup. He wanted me waiting for him and I did until I got my s*** together and moved on. Mentally my head moved on but I guess my heart didnt after all these years. A big sigh...


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## Luvmypups (Feb 13, 2013)

Irish Girl, Thank you very much for your input...Maybe you can help me out with how to handle this...

In the next year or so my daughter is getting married. My ex wants her to get married in the church we got married in...Whats with that??? There goes more memories and making me a basketcase. Then reception in exe's yard. Sigh...Ok, for my daughter, anything. It seems that day will be an alcohol day and I don't drink. My fear is I won't be able to control my emotions. Then how do we handle our grandchildren when they are born. Being with my ex again for Birthday parties, Christmas's etc. I can't hide away, but dont want to sit and cry either. 

I truly wish I had a switch just to shut off all of the emotions. I truly hate being so emotional. But my current hubby loves it. He says it shows I have a huge loving heart. This morning I checked my phone. Current husband sends me a picture of himself and asks if I will be his Valentine. What a huge big sweetheart he is!


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## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

Luvmypups said:


> Irish Girl, Thank you very much for your input...Maybe you can help me out with how to handle this...
> 
> In the next year or so my daughter is getting married. My ex wants her to get married in the church we got married in...Whats with that??? There goes more memories and making me a basketcase. Then reception in exe's yard. Sigh...Ok, for my daughter, anything. It seems that day will be an alcohol day and I don't drink. My fear is I won't be able to control my emotions. Then how do we handle our grandchildren when they are born. Being with my ex again for Birthday parties, Christmas's etc. I can't hide away, but dont want to sit and cry either.
> 
> I truly wish I had a switch just to shut off all of the emotions. I truly hate being so emotional. But my current hubby loves it. He says it shows I have a huge loving heart. This morning I checked my phone. Current husband sends me a picture of himself and asks if I will be his Valentine. What a huge big sweetheart he is!


I can't tell you not to have feelings for you ex, but to combat what you're going through now, imagine if your current husband did this to you? Also, try to think of all the bad with your ex, not the good, and all the good with your current hubby. He seems like a great guy, and you seem pretty great too. So no need to bring in unnecessary hurt because your ex still has feelings for you or is vulnerable or whatever. That man had his chance and he ruined it.


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

Hello!

This is just my own theory. When you left your ex, you had to go through a lot. To "fall out of love" with someone when you don't really want to is a difficult road. A lot of people who cannot handle the pain, or are able to mourn the loss of love thoroughly, will put up a wall between themselves and those feelings. This wall numbs the pain, the love you felt, and everything else that goes along with that marriage. With practice this wall becomes permanent and you're able to move about your new life (remarry) without any emotional baggage. BUT the feelings behind the wall are still alive and well deep in the depths of your mind because they were not mourned/dealt with effectively. They were shoved behind the wall.

The things that recently occurred (death of ex brother in law/recalling memories/scrapbook) all tore down this wall of yours, and those old feelings came rushing back with a vengeance. The feelings are REAL. Almost like they were in a time capsule, you are experienced your feelings from 25 years ago. 

What to do about them? Well, you have options, but if I were you, the healthiest (but difficult) road would be to do this:

1) Fully embrace and accept your feelings for your ex. These feelings were not dealt with properly when you left your first husband, and they need to be dealt with now. You need to open up yourself and make yourself vulnerable to everything that comes out. Cry, laugh, reminisce, whatever it takes. Experience it all to their fullest.

2) Mourn the loss of your first marriage. Somewhat like step 1, you need to feel your loss to it's fullest extent. The pain, the betrayal, everything. If you need to cry, cry. Don't try and stuff the feelings back down. Letting them all out will help you put it behind you. Don't hold back.

3)Once you have dealt with the emotions properly, you will be more able to make an important distinction. You are not CURRENTLY In Love with your ex. You WERE in love with your ex. You also need to accept that a part of you will always hold affection and love for him. He was a VERY important part of your past, and the father of your child. He'll always have a special place in your mind. But now that you've properly dealt with your emotions, you can more easily relegate him back where he belongs; That special place in your mind.

If you think he may be open, your husband may be able to help you down this path. Being open to him that you need help dealing with this uprising of old emotions may bring both of you even closer. 

Good luck to you


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Luvmypups said:


> Irish Girl, Thank you very much for your input...Maybe you can help me out with how to handle this...
> 
> In the next year or so my daughter is getting married. My ex wants her to get married in the church we got married in...Whats with that??? There goes more memories and making me a basketcase. Then reception in exe's yard. Sigh...Ok, for my daughter, anything. It seems that day will be an alcohol day and I don't drink. My fear is I won't be able to control my emotions. Then how do we handle our grandchildren when they are born. Being with my ex again for Birthday parties, Christmas's etc. I can't hide away, but dont want to sit and cry either.
> 
> I truly wish I had a switch just to shut off all of the emotions. I truly hate being so emotional. But my current hubby loves it. He says it shows I have a huge loving heart. This morning I checked my phone. Current husband sends me a picture of himself and asks if I will be his Valentine. What a huge big sweetheart he is!


Does your ex have some other connection to the church other than just the place you two got married in? Honestly, I wouldn't read much more into it than what it is. It could just be that he is familiar with the church and the location and that he can't bring anything else to the table except for what he knows. And even IF it is a place of importance to him doesn't mean it has to be for you. You can go into that church and make a new memory (your daughter's wedding) as opposed to remembering an old and possibly painful one. Use this opportunity to reclaim that location. Does that make sense? 

To be honest, it's really difficult to give my opinion or advice on other things regarding seeing your ex at Christmas or on birthday's. I was married once but neither of us had kids together. Since the divorce I moved a few states away. I don't need interaction with my ex-husband or any ex-boyfriends. I don't have that child tie with anyone. Thankfully! Honestly, I wouldn't know how I'd handle it either. I have, however, found myself in a position where I knew I'd run into a significant ex boyfriend. I ran the scenario through my head about what would be said, how I'd react, etc. So if I visualized the "screenplay" in my mind it was easier to deal with when the time came. I held my composure and I allowed myself to breakdown afterwards. Sometimes we have to train our brain. Right now you are thinking about all these scenarios because the death of your BIL triggered emotions within you. Thinking about all these "what if's" with all the emotions you are having right now is only making you feel more anxious. I promise you that in the next few days or weeks you'll feel better about the upcoming wedding and other future events. And maybe practice makes perfect. Perhaps call your ex up on the phone to discuss wedding details if you can. That communication now will help prepare you for your daughter's big day! 

But whatever happens, keep your husband by your side. Be gracious to your ex. Talk more to his current wife as you have a good relationship with her. Just because he is your ex it does not mean you need to be friends with him. Your friend, your best friend, is the man who still asks you to be his Valentine! That was adorable, btw! 

:smthumbup:


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## Luvmypups (Feb 13, 2013)

Hi All, Thanks all! You don't know how much I value your input. Everything that you have said makes sense to me. 

New development today...My daughter told me I should start opening up the doors of communication with my ex. He is recovering from the exploratory heart stuff and is at home alone. I didnt want to open up a conversation with his wife there. So nervously I called him...It was a good conversation. Light hearted. We talked about his surgery, his family and mine, his brother passing away. My daughter. Just about life in general. He has found out that the almighty buck is not the most important thing in the world. That family and love are. Took him long enough...I knew this years ago... This change in him was due to his brother dying and his heart scare. He is diabetic but is well controlled with medication. He has lost weight and he does look great from the pictures my daughter showed me. 

So...I tell him that I love him, that I always will & he is the true love of my life. By this time I am sobbing. He handles it well as he knows about my wearing my heart on my sleeve. Daughter is the same way. He graciously says that is nice to know and that
it is too bad that we didn't work out but life goes on. I felt it was something I had to say to him or I would absolutely have no peace of mind. If something happened to either myself or him at least he would know my feelings and I would have no regrets. I do feel better. He would like us to be friends, but right now I wouldn't be able to do that. After some time goes by and I handle my emotions better then maybe. This is a man who is now communicative with me and never was when we were married. He was shut off. We got married to young and I was to naive to see the signs. He was my first love/lover. He was my knight in shining armor. Father of my child. Affection was not something he was good at and is the same way according to my daughter. Again, being he was my first love I thought this was normal. I didnt know any better. Hindsight is 20/20.

Current husband: Communicative (sometimes I have to tell him "OK, thats enough"). Affectionate. When I first met my current husband he was so affectionate I had to tell him to back off. I wasn't used to it and I was wondering if this was normal and if he was overdoing it. LOL! Now I wonder what I would do without that love and attention. When we go out together, he is the first one to put his hand in mine or his arm around my waist and pull me to him or do something silly like in the middle of shopping at the mall stop and give me a big old kiss. I still have trouble with the PDA's. I am working on that. Or when I get out of bed in the morning and I have major bed head as I have short hair and its going all different directions he says "I'm sexy", I tell him he's blind! LOL! I would guess thats a pretty good marriage after 21 years married and 23 years together. 

My fondest wish is for my current husband and myself to continue to be as happy as we are. I also want my ex to be happy. Life is too short especially when we are all in our 50's and life is on the downward swing. Now if I can get these emotions under control all will be good. I feel like I am betraying my current hubby by having these emotions for my ex. The guilt can be excruiating even tho I have no desire to re-hash things that are done and over with for 20 some odd years with the ex.

Also my husband and I have been talking about these emotions I have been having and he has been nothing but supportive. We talk things thru. I am a lucky gal! I love him very much! 

Will see how things work out in my brain and keep everyone updated. Again, Thank You for your support and advice! This has become a valuable outlet for me and you are wonderful!


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## Luvmypups (Feb 13, 2013)

*Re: Confused & in a fog...feel like I'm going crazy...An Update!*

Hi there! Thought I would update you on my situation and ask for some feedback. 

I've tried to take the healthy road emotionally and mentally with these feelings I have been going thru. I started a diet back in the beginning of February. My weight has always fluctuated between being thin and heavy. So far I have lost 20 lbs. and I feel great physically and emotionally (for the most part). I've been doing alot of walking for exercise. I feel sooo much better! I can't do much with weights being I have a herniated disc in my back and walking is the best exercise for it. Saw a Surgeon for this back issue a couple of years ago and I have so much arthritis in my back that is would be 50/50 if the surgery would work. I have ridden horses all my life and most of the problems are from riding. So opted not too.

Time has done some healing. I still love my ex with all my heart. Like people have told me, you can't help who you love. I still will break down and cry on occasion. But its not like it was before. Full blown sobbing. I haven't spoken with him for a month as I'm trying to put these feelings in perspective. Sometimes I have them right where they belong and other times I am still a mess. Being my exes brother died at such a young age has made me realize I had to let go to a lot of anger, hurt and pain with my ex. I did bury a lot of the hurt and pain. Meeting my current husband was a distraction and I put those feeling away and then my ex brother in laws death brought them back. I finally have decided just to let those feelings go. My ex told my daughter he wants us to be friends and to call him anytime. His wife doesn't care. She likes me and I like her. She just doesn't know that I love my ex with all heart. I do feel better.

During this conversation that my ex had with my daughter. They were discussing my relationship with my mother which doesn't bother me at all. She was abusive and I was beaten by her until I was 17. The last time she hit me at 17, I turned around and hit her back and told her she will never hit me again or I will call the Police. That was the last time...Thank you Lord! She told me I should have never have been born amongst other things. She had me quite young. 17 years old. She is 73 now. We have not communicated for 30 years. She never wanted me to marry my ex and didn't come to my first or second wedding. But you know I sure learned a lot on how not to treat me daughter. I turned out to be a good person, mother, wife. I manage a bunch of men at a trucking company. I have had a successful career. =) 

I have had been toying with contacting her and just telling her that lets let the past go and move on. I know we will never be close but at least maybe we can have a civil relationship. The Ex tells my daughter that he really thinks a lot of me for doing that and probably that my mother has gloated all these years because she didn't want me to marry him and we ended up divorced which he said to my daughter "That is too bad". Ok. Can I have your thoughts on that comment? Does this man still have feelings for me? 

I have decided that I need my ex in my life. Friends is good enough for me. I love him and always will. If we can talk once in awhile and check in with each other that is great. I just can't walk away from him without trying to make a difference in my life or his. He is a good man. My current Husband is fine with this.He trusts my decisions and know that I would not do anything intentionally to hurt him. He also is a good man and I Thank the Lord that I was blessed with having two men in my life that I Love so much!


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## Stellafeller (Mar 16, 2013)

Cake eater, you are playing with fire. You don't NEED im in your life, you want it. You know its the wrong choice but you continue anyway, at the risk of hurting the man who has loved u for 23 years, the one who stupidly trust you enough to let you walk into this affair waiting to happen. you make me sick


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

Luvmypups said:


> Met my first husband at 16. Got married at 22...We both decided that we would live our separate lives and get a divorce...
> 
> I met a great man. I was 32 years old at this point almost 33...We have been married this month for 21 years...My current husband...Loving, a steady Eddie, would give you the shirt off of his back.
> 
> Ok, here lies my problem...I realize that I still love my ex-husband... I've crying for a week now and its driving me crazy.


Someone needs to just slap you up the side of your head.

What the hell are you thinking? You've been married 21 years to a guy you say is great, and you're thinking of stabbing him in the back he just gave you his shirt off of.

I love heroin, but I'm not going to go back to it, because it would destroy my life. And, I have a pretty damned good life right now.

Are you just stupid?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, you are playing with fire. 

Part of it could be that you want your youth, and that time, back. That's a common feeling as we age.

Dangerous (in your case) but common.


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

*Re: Confused & in a fog...feel like I'm going crazy...An Update!*



Luvmypups said:


> I have decided that I need my ex in my life. Friends is good enough for me.


Horse hockey. You're going to sleep with him eventually. I know it, you know it, everyone knows it.



> My current Husband is fine with this.He trusts my decisions and know that I would not do anything *intentionally* to hurt him.


OK, one person doesn't realize you are going to sleep with him: your current husband, who is apparently too naive to realize the inevitable outcome of this setup.

"Intentionally?" Boy, did you just leave yourself a loophole a mile wide. You won't intentionally do it, it will just happen.



> ...I Thank the Lord...


Maybe you should follow the example of a man who actually did trust the Lord: Billy Graham. To even avoid the appearance of impropriety/scandal, he would never meet with a woman alone--ever. His entire adult life when he met with a woman someone else was also present.

Are you willing to stipulate that you will never, ever be alone with your ex? Not in a car, restaurant, home, public place, private place, anyplace at all...forever and ever? 

If not, then somewhere in the back of your mind you are planning on sleeping with him.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

There is no reason for you to have any type of relationship with your ex-husband and your current husband should NOT be fine with it. Ever hear the saying old flames burn the brightest. You are playing with fire. 

I find it truly remarkable that after being divorced all these years and remarried to a great guy that you can state that you love your EX with all your heart. I think what's really going on is that you are feeling nostalgic for those early days. The death of a loved one triggers many emotions in people. I urge you to meet with a counselor before you blow up your life.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

It seems the further we get from an event, person, etc., we forget all the bad and remember only the good. Like when someone dies, everyone talks about how great that person was. Has anyone ever said "Man, that dude was a d!ck!" at a funeral?


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## all4her (Apr 19, 2012)

I was previously Stellafeller, got locked up for using foul language in another forum but question: Does your HUSBAND know that you call this ex of yours the love of your life? Does he know exactly what you told us about how u feel? How you love him madly and all this? That you spoke to him and told him you were still in love with him and always would be, does he know this??

If the man does and he is still allowing it then he is in SERIOUS need of learning about his own boundaries and this whole trio is a fire waiting to happen. I would say don't take advantage of his kindness, but you come across as a woman who has already decided she is riding this ship to hell


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## all4her (Apr 19, 2012)

endlessgrief said:


> It seems the further we get from an event, person, etc., we forget all the bad and remember only the good. Like when someone dies, everyone talks about how great that person was. Has anyone ever said "Man, that dude was a d!ck!" at a funeral?


Hahaha at my grandfather's funeral it went there. ther was of course lots of loving words to say about him and he was in the best light but during the wake people got REAL about his abusive ways and how he never told his kids he loved them and how his dying was so conflicting for them. I appreciated an honest funeral where people worked through their issues with the deceased. Not the norm.

OP let the deceased stay dead. The only reason u feel strong enough to head back into a relationship that failed is bc of your relationship now thts wonderful


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