# Handling facing the other woman on a regular basis



## Callisto (Jul 30, 2013)

Hello, I am new on here.

I have been with my fiancé for over 8 years, we have lived together for nearly as long and we have a 5 year old child. After an absolute dream relationship and big big love we grew apart after I fell pregnant and we both made mistakes. He made the biggest by starting an affair which lasted for 10 months and ended this April only because I found out. Despite everything I decided to stay and since d-day our relationship has been better than in the last few years. But I am aware that this is the “honeymoon stage” and this high won’t last forever. 

My main problem is the other woman. I want to leave everything behind me, want to stop obsessing about her but it is so difficult – she is everywhere in my life. He had ended the affair immediately but they are work colleagues and see each other every day, not only that but he had decided to bring in our child into the affair and went on family days with her and her child – subsequently our son had a crush on her daughter and kept constantly asking about her in the first few weeks after d-day. She also lives very close to us (like 5 min walk) and I recently found out that I know her neighbour. This new friend of mine told me last week that she at first couldn’t place my other half but then remembered that she knew him from – well her neighbour. She saw him frequently there. Another work colleague of mine also told me of having seen my other half in this street quite frequently. 
We cannot move away from this area so I have to live with the fear of possibly bumping into her all the time. My closest friend sees her now all the time (I had shown her a picture). And yesterday I went to pick up my child from summer daycare and in walks right in front of me – her. It was our first confrontation after d-day and I nearly had a nervous breakdown. I just stared at her and she kind of smiled shyly and looked away. We waited in the same room at the other end of the room for our children and when hers came out she ushered her daughter away very quickly and I of course did not hurry behind her but walked out slowly with my own child. Now I have to potentially face her every day for a week at pick up time. I know a week will pass but I cannot get her out of my life. 

I know I am the stronger one. I have won, the man has stayed with me and more importantly I have chosen him. But I cannot help feeling defeated whenever I think of her. Seeing her in real life, moving, breathing, fleshy and alive made the whole affair very very real again. My imagination of them two together does not stop. The hurt does not stop.


----------



## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

I think it is debatable whether you won or not, but the circumstances seem almost impossible. Why can't you guys move and why isn't he finding another job?


----------



## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

He needs to get a new job. No contact with affair partners is needed to successfully R.

How do you know they don't communicate anymore or haven't taken the affair more underground? Do you monitor is PC and cell phone usage? Do you have a VAR in his car? I mean lunch breaks are real easy ways to engage in appropriate activity!


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Can he find another job? Is moving to another town or neighborhood doable?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Is she married or does she have a SO?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He gets to find a new job.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Callisto said:


> Hello, I am new on here.
> 
> I have been with my fiancé for over 8 years, we have lived together for nearly as long and we have a 5 year old child. After an absolute dream relationship and big big love we grew apart after I fell pregnant and we both made mistakes. He made the biggest by starting an affair which lasted for 10 months and ended this April only because I found out. Despite everything I decided to stay and since d-day our relationship has been better than in the last few years. But I am aware that this is the “honeymoon stage” and this high won’t last forever.
> 
> ...


Time to seriously consider a move to start fresh


----------



## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

When you run into her in a public place again just loudly call her a ***** and I bet she will start avoiding you in the future!!!


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Neuro-Linguistic Programming can help.

It can re-programme how you see the other woman. Perhaps even to the stage of laughing about her. Well, I mean, she is a comical figure, isn't she?

I mean, what's up with her? She can't get a new, fresh man of her own? She has to borrow a used one? :wtf: :rofl:


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

If you ever see her with a man... You can ask her if she knows his wife. Do so loudly.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

workindad said:


> If you ever see her with a man... You can ask her if she knows his wife. Do so loudly.


Or say: "Wow! So it *is* true! You really *are* bisexual! Does your woman know you are seeing men, again?"

++++Don't _really_ say that. But think it when you see her. You'll start laughing or at least smiling and that will freak her out! :smthumbup:


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Callisto said:


> Hello, I am new on here.
> 
> I have been with my fiancé for over 8 years, we have lived together for nearly as long and we have a 5 year old child. After an absolute dream relationship and big big love we grew apart after I fell pregnant and we both made mistakes. He made the biggest by starting an affair which lasted for 10 months and ended this April only because I found out. Despite everything I decided to stay and since d-day our relationship has been better than in the last few years. But I am aware that this is the “honeymoon stage” and this high won’t last forever.
> 
> ...


I wish I had a good answer for you, I really do. 

What does your husband think about this? If you haven't already, have a frank discussion with him about it. If he wants the relationship to work he needs to help come up with a solution. He needs to do whatever it takes to make your pain ease.


----------



## Callisto (Jul 30, 2013)

Thank you everyone for your replies.

We can't move because first of all I don't want to. I'm not native to the country we live in and this area we moved to - I finally feel really at hime. It is MY territory. The child's school is right there and where we live we need to be close to school in order to be allowed to attend.

He also can't change his job quickly. He is - finally - making plans to have have a career change over the next 18 months. He is the big boss there and can't just leave, she is a part-time worker and I suppose he is - we are - lucky that she doesn't want to sue him. I hate his job with a passion because over the years this work is hugely responsible for making him the stressed, depressed man he became and distanced him further and further away from me. From us as a family. They do have to talk at work, not much and not the whole day but they have to interact. He says he stopped chit chat and reduced dialouge to the neccessary. I have no way of knowing if this is true of course. 

As for lunch breaks and late hours (he works until late at night) - I just have to trust him on that. He is fairly transparent with his phone these days. This is all a very long story but an EA happened a few months before his full blown PA with that one. His phone was always locked after I had seen - by total accident - a message of the very first EA. He wasn't aware that this was already an EA and to be honest - I wasn't either. But yes I should have been much, much more wary after that. It's just so out of character. It's still very surreal, painfully real, but surreal. When he went to see her, the OW, he would not react to my texts, messages, phone calls. He'd just completely dodge me and tell me the next day he fell asleep at a friends house. Which is totally believable if you know him. 

I do still monitor everything. He leaves his phone openly laying around now and I do check when he is asleep. I have no access to his e-mail or Facebook but he never used the latter much. Ofc I have no way of knowing if he may use the message function, he does not have an FB App on his phone. I think. 
All I can do is trust him that he ended the affair fully - and I do believe him and actually trust him in that. He is not as transparent as suggested on here but majorly different in comparison to the past year. 

We have changed our life in the last few months and I have put myself right into his life again. I will not take the blame for this affair but I can see where I went wrong and I am working on that. He now comes home to me in full sight in his bed, whereas before I slept in a different room with the child. (this had all started years ago because of sleeping pronlems on my part and loud snoring on his part.)

OW is a single mum and actually bisexual, so that wouldn't be a dig . My WS was her first male relationship in years apparently. 

So to sum this all up - sorry for writing this confusingly, I am typing while at work and I keep getting interrupted - I trust him for now, but I am careful and wary. The OW is not to be moved out of our lives. Oh and luckily I did not run into her again yesterday.


----------



## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Sorry to say this but you are not quite getting the magnitude of all this 

I know it's early days but whilst she remains in your life in any way particularly them together in any capacity out of your sight their affair adultery IS NOT OVER 

Untill you understand this you will never react strongly enough to deal with it 

Whether you like where you live or not is not really an issue you need to leave the area or he needs to get a new job away from her.

"he's 'fairly transparent' with his phone" !?! What on earth does that mean ? Exactly "fairly"

"He's not like that it's out of character"

Really? wrong - He IS like that - he's been cake eating and in this situation you have made it easy for them to go underground 

Did you expose her / them in every way? He is has been abusing you showing nil respect and this scenario shows little remorse or he would be doing exactly what is necessary to make it all okay for you and to have a true reconciliation. He is reliant on your fear of the consequences of all this.

You're in denial - 'infidelity aftermath denial' I call it and I'm sorry but unless you take drastic steps this is going to come back stronger and bite your ass 

Good luck but I think this is nearer the truth to this


----------



## Callisto (Jul 30, 2013)

Headspin said:


> Sorry to say this but you are not quite getting the magnitude of all this
> 
> I know it's early days but whilst she remains in your life in any way particularly them together in any capacity out of your sight their affair adultery IS NOT OVER
> 
> Untill you understand this you will never react strongly enough to deal with it


Please don't tell me what I am understanding and what I don't. I fully understand the magnitude of the situation but I chose to stay and reconcile. So I put it behind me, after months of goimg through every detail, and chose to move on and to build a new relationship with my WS. 

Who writes this rule when it is over and when not? Life circumstances are different for everyone and because I can't hanlde things like "textbook" I posted on here to get advice on how to handle my own situation regarding the triggers for me. 

How strongly I reacted you don't know - I tend to post, to write, about things after I have calmed down, put my thoughts together and am receptive to constructive action. 



Headspin said:


> Whether you like where you live or not is not really an issue you need to leave the area or he needs to get a new job away from her.


It is an issue. Not so much my personal preference but the child's. School choices are not the biggest where we live. We simply have to stay in this area. 



Headspin said:


> "he's 'fairly transparent' with his phone" !?! What on earth does that mean ? Exactly "fairly"
> 
> "He's not like that it's out of character"
> 
> ...


I may not have chosen the best expressions, English is not my first language and I am under pressure in typing quickly. With "fairly" I meant that he is transparent but not 100% proactive with transparency. Sometimes, not always, it needs encouragement.

It is out of character. No one knows about this - I mean no one who knows him well. His family would be truly shocked. Of course he IS like this and I didn't write that he isn't like this but it is out of character and very sursprising. Ofc that doesn't change anything but if I don't believe in the goodness of his character, if I don't believe in the person who I first fell in love with - why even bother to try to reconcile. I have made the choice to r so I am building on a new but still good person. I am not able to love a bad person. I don't know how to fully express this to be understood - I matured in this process of cruel life experience and I hope he did too. Essentially neither of us is the same person we were before but I believe we have enough original basis to build on our "new" personalities and love them. 



Headspin said:


> *Did you expose her / them in every way?* He is has been abusing you showing nil respect and this scenario shows little remorse or he would be doing exactly what is necessary to make it all okay for you and to have a true reconciliation. He is reliant on your fear of the consequences of all this.
> 
> You're in denial - 'infidelity aftermath denial' I call it and I'm sorry but unless you take drastic steps this is going to come back stronger and bite your ass
> 
> Good luck but I think this is nearer the truth to this



What do you mean by that?

And why do you think he shows no remorse? 


It is easy to attack and I do plenty of this myself - I mean attacking him. But that won't bring us forward, will it?


----------



## Callisto (Jul 30, 2013)

But thank you ofc for you advice, I don't mean to be stroppy. I just want to move forward.


----------



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Sorry to say, but I agree with Headspin. I could be wrong, but from your writing you have no clue about the details of the A, he has gotten a free pass, and you just want to rug sweep. Your main focus is to just move forward, but without knowing the details and truth, you may never be able to. You have admitted that the only reason that it ended was you found out. Doesn't sound like he was ready to end it, nor wanted to. You seem to "trust" what he is telling you about it being over and done with, yet you have friends telling you that they saw him in her neighborhood, etc.

You really should move. There are other states that offer good schools. I know it sucks having to give up your current life and status to be able to move on, but if you truly want to be free of this, then that would be the only way. He quits the job and finds another one in a different state/ area. You can search for good schools and then move on. Jobs are not worth losing everything over. Trust me, I gave the best years of my life to a company and when the economy slumped, they had no reservations cutting me loose, even after all of my sacrifices and loyalty to them (I even moved my family for them and in the end was in an area that I simply hated without gainful employment). I could not live just a 5 minute walk from my WS's AP, it would end badly for me and them. I would forever be wondering what they were doing when they were gone to the store for so long, went for a walk without me, etc.

Counseling is the start that you can do to get through this. It will take time, but the time will be greatly prolonged the more it is brought up and revisited. It doesn't help when people and friends recognize you through your WS's interactions with her. Each time you are reminded, it will set you back, possibly to square one, this is why the recommendation to move is so great. 

You also need to find out everything that you feel you need to know (for some people it is every detail, for others not so much). I could not handle knowing that my WS had been to the AP's house, and how many times if so? When did the A occur (I would need to know so that I can look out for future flags and chances of repeating the deed)? How did WS hold their head high when doing this in front of others with little care for you and your family? These are the things that need to be discussed (if you haven't already). You want direction and advice, but it is hard when these things are what we on TAM see (and have seen in most cases) yet your post reveals none of them. From the OP it seems that you found out and ended it, but that the majority of your answers are coming from friends and neighbors that witnessed things. 

Even though you did nothing wrong for his A, I would feel embarrassed and ashamed walking through my neighborhood knowing that others had seen them together, and would always be wondering what they know that I don't. I would fee the fool (and this is not a dig at you, this is exactly how I felt when I found out about my WW's A and I still have little answers)> Don't be in such a hurry to rugsweep the issue and get on, as a house built on a foundation of sticks (lies, omissions, and half truths) will only break down again in the future.


----------



## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

First of Callisto apologies. Did not in any way mean to offend you.

That said you have come on here to gauge how others have felt and reacted in this situation and hhopefully tolearn from that and I can tell you right off the bat that many on here will agree that you are, although having dealt with some of the issues, are basically rugsweeping the major ones that dictate how this will play out in real life 

Rule one 
Any contact - ANY CONTACT with an affair partner is death - death to a reconciliation and death to any chance of you getting anything remotely back together 

END OF - PERIOD 

RULE ONE ! If you do not get this rule into operation there are, there will be no other rules to come 
It is GAME OVER 

NON contact is everything in this situation. 
Don't listen to me then listen to about a million people on this site who will tell you the same 

Frankly it's a bit of a 'and then the Lord God made the NON Contact rule ...... ( I'm not that religious btw)



Callisto said:


> Please don't tell me what I am understanding and what I don't. I fully understand the magnitude of the situation but I chose to stay and reconcile. So I put it behind me, after months of goimg through every detail, and chose to move on and to build a new relationship with my WS.
> 
> Who writes this rule when it is over and when not? Life circumstances are different for everyone and because I can't hanlde things like "textbook" I posted on here to get advice on how to handle my own situation regarding the triggers for me.
> 
> How strongly I reacted you don't know - I tend to post, to write, about things after I have calmed down, put my thoughts together and am receptive to constructive action.


 See above in terms of the no contact rule no situations are different - none - no exceptions




Callisto said:


> It is an issue. Not so much my personal preference but the child's. School choices are not the biggest where we live. We simply have to stay in this area.


You don't



Callisto said:


> I may not have chosen the best expressions, English is not my first language and I am under pressure in typing quickly. With "fairly" I meant that he is transparent but not 100% proactive with transparency. Sometimes, not always, it needs encouragement.


 If he is genuine 100% remorse it should not the slightest encouragement



Callisto said:


> It is out of character. No one knows about this - I mean no one who knows him well. His family would be truly shocked. Of course he IS like this and I didn't write that he isn't like this but it is out of character and very sursprising. Ofc that doesn't change anything but if I don't believe in the goodness of his character, if I don't believe in the person who I first fell in love with - why even bother to try to reconcile. I have made the choice to r so I am building on a new but still good person. I am not able to love a bad person. I don't know how to fully express this to be understood - I matured in this process of cruel life experience and I hope he did too. Essentially neither of us is the same person we were before but I believe we have enough original basis to build on our "new" personalities and love them.


Reconciliation is about new everything there is no more old wionderful lovey dovey you and him any more that's all finished especially whilst he see OW every damn day!



Callisto said:


> What do you mean by that?


Does everybody know about it friends family ? They should expose him fully for the treachery and betrayal he has done 
If he loves you fully and wants to do something about him and his behavior he will have no problem about this 



Callisto said:


> And why do you think he shows no remorse?


Because he is happy to carry on watching you go through the obvious shvte you are going through when he could be supporting you in much bigger ways. He needs to do some heavy lifting and it looks like he's kinda getting a slap on the wrist and you're trailing around in his wake - imo 



Callisto said:


> It is easy to attack and I do plenty of this myself - I mean attacking him. But that won't bring us forward, will it?


But you want a true reconciliation not a fasle one and starting from a point wher their is at least zero contact with his affair partner is step one 

Without that there is will be nothing 

Sorry but that's the truth 

(Please hang around for other opinions)


----------



## Callisto (Jul 30, 2013)

Ok I clearly phrased my initial question wrong. I was after advise how to deal with these obvious triggers.

I did not go into details of the affair because I don't want it written on the net and mainly because it's been a few months and I was doing well in not thinking about it 24/7. I know every detail of the affair, when it started, when it ended, the last time they had sex, when he was there, how it started and why (that ofc is a topic of great exploration). I have even seen pictures of her and of some outings they had, I know how they spent their evenings.

And no moving is not that easy. I live in the UK, but I am not British. We live near his family who finally is helping out with the child. Who would pay for a big move like that? His job pays our life, my job brings insurance security and I only recently started working again, well nearly a year now. We could move within our area but then we have the school problem again. I do not want to mess with my childs security. There is a possibility that his life will get torn apart anyway - no I am not uprooting him from the people he loves, trusts and where he feels secure. WS may have been incredibly selfish and did not think of the child at all but I am not like that. 

Also - how does that contribute to a familiy's happiness if you cut off ties with friends and families? 

He doesn't drive, he doesn't even have a drivers licence so that is another reason why a change of job is not that easy for him. He finally WANTS to change the job, that is an incredible start. For years (long before the PA) I've asked him too and he never wanted to. So that is an incredible start and he is currently writing business plans for a new venture all of our own. But that may take a little while until the bank grants him/us the loan to start this up. 

I was very stubborn concerning his job demanded that he'll quit NOW. But truthful - who pays the rent then? Who finances my child's lifestyle? I can't do this by myself (unless we split and I can claim single mother benefits) and we both need jobs that work with the school times. It's just not that finger clicking easy. But it's something we are working on.

Hence my initial question - how to deal with facing her on a regular basis?


----------



## Callisto (Jul 30, 2013)

I don't believe in this black and white. Circumstances are different, people are different. That doesn't make any situation less severe in gravity but I simply don't believe that it is the same for everyone. 

Moving away is not an option. We are currently trying to move but not outside our district. That's the way it is and the way it will be. 

And no I did not expose him to many people. I told my personal girlfriends but no family member knows. On both sides of our parents are infidelity issues which had an impact on us growing up and I especially do not want my parents input on this. I can forgive my WS but I cannot forgive my parents story and I don't want to stir things up again. 

I also don't see the point in punishing someone for a long time. I have seen this first hand with my parents it does not work. One stayed with the other because of the kids but punished the WS over and over and over again. Exposure multitude. They are still married but hate each other, detest each other. I can't see love growing again if you constantly want to punish. I want to be able to talk about my feelings to express but not to punish.

And regarding the 100% commitment of transparency. I can understand that any human being but especially men rather not want to talk about what they did majorly wrong to try to avoid further upset. That doesn't make it right but it was a learning process for WS that openess causes less upset then secrecy. He's still learning but getting much better. 


Ofc I accept every opinion. Nature of an internet forum is that you won't like all the advice but I just didn't want to go through all the details of the PA again but clearly that was rather confusing.


----------



## Callisto (Jul 30, 2013)

We are 3 1/2 months past d-day btw and in the first few weeks we each took off time from work to talk, go over things, talk, talk, talk. Maybe I did not make that very clear either. We're past this stage, never did the whole rug sweeping thing and I suppose that makes it all the more unnerving when the roller coaster hits bottom again.


----------



## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Thanks for the info bit of background helps.



Callisto said:


> _We are 3 1/2 months past d-day_ btw and in the first few weeks we each took off time from work to talk, go over things, talk, talk, talk. Maybe I did not make that very clear either. _We're past this stage_, never did the whole rug sweeping thing and I suppose that makes it all the more unnerving when the roller coaster hits bottom again.


Mmm you're at the beginning not "past that stage" . There's a hell of a lot more to come I'm afraid

All of this is all very well - what is not very well is that simply unless you stop all contact with the OW you can forget it all - all of it.

This one fact needs addressing more than any other

There is no true and fully unconditional remorseful successful reconciliation in history that involved a wayward spouse staying in contact with the affair partner in any way.

If you do not get this one fact into play there is nothing else to discuss

I'm being brutal I know and I do apologise but if you get your head around this you will have 5,000% more chance in you efforts to reconcile


----------



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

You didn't need to go into every detail. What you just posted is sufficient, as it shows that the A has been brought to light, discussed in detail, and you are sufficiently satisfied that you have the details you need.

I agree with Headspin in that there needs to be NC. Without NC, nothing can be reconciled/ repaired as the possibility for further A is always there (and they can take it underground so easily these days). Friends will come and go. Your child is resilient and can easily make new and sometimes better friends.

Exposure seems to be the best way to end the triggers and make them more bearable. Post on Cheaterville. Expose to your friends and see if they will report when they see things. You would be surprised how many people will tell you that they thought it was fine and saw nothing wrong with the A. Is this the type of friends that you want around you and your family? 

Get counseling and read some books about surviving the affair. A few good reads are "Love Languages", "After the Affair", "Love Busters", and "Not Just Friends". I would recommend that you and your H read them together and discuss the topics. These will help you to find ways to deal with the triggers. It will also reveal that you need friends and supporters of the marriage. I know you don't feel that you should reveal to everyone, but this is a sure fire way to make sure the A is over and doesn't crop up again, it will also help you to recognize who are friends of the marriage and who may be supporting your WH's A and making it easier.

If I had taken your stance and route, I never would have found out that my WS's best friends and mother all thought what she did was fine (I found that she told lots of lies about me and they thought she was justified in her A due to the lies she told. Don't be surprised if you talk to people and find out that your WH did the same and now you are the bad guy to them). We eliminated those friends that weren't supportive of our situation. Yes it is a hardship to lose friends, but we viewed it as, were they really friends in the first place if they thought it was right for the A to happen? We also found out that they were willing to help facilitate their meetings by watching kids, offering up places, etc. Sickens me to think that people are this way, but it is what it is and I can't change the world.

Good luck and I hope some of this helps.


----------



## Callisto (Jul 30, 2013)

Headspin said:


> Thanks for the info bit of background helps.
> Mmm you're at the beginning not "past that stage" . There's a hell of a lot more to come I'm afraid


I am aware of that, that's why I have written in my first post that I appreciate the fact that we are only in the "honeymoon" stage. What I meant with past that stage is - going over every detail after first discovery which was in response to a previous poster who said she would need to know all the details. 




Headspin said:


> Mmm you're at the beginning not "past that stage" . There's a hell of a lot more to come I'm afraid
> 
> All of this is all very well - what is not very well is that simply unless you stop all contact with the OW you can forget it all - all of it.
> 
> ...



So you are basically telling me it has no future anyway because immediate changes cannot be met right this minute?



Well ok, thank you for the thought you have put into it, but I can't work with that. 
I am not willing to give up yet and I have to work with what I got and what I can do. Hence my intial registration here.


----------



## Callisto (Jul 30, 2013)

Squeakr said:


> *Exposure seems to be the best way to end the triggers and make them more bearable.* Post on Cheaterville.
> 
> Expose to your friends and see if they will report when they see things. You would be surprised how many people will tell you that they thought it was fine and saw nothing wrong with the A. Is this the type of friends that you want around you and your family?


How? I'm really curious? Where is the logic in that?

Important friends know. The rest doesn't need to. Why? 

Also from a different point of view - Constantly punishing him will only result in him giving up. He'll eventually believe that he is an ******* anyway and can't win and will never get out of this and start acting like an ******* again. That's how it started in a similar way. The root of the problem is his depression. That is not an excuse but an important fact for both of us to heal. I have finally realised that now and I know that the key to MY happiness is his hapiness. It may be a bit of a manipulative game but I finally learned how to play it. 

Again - I have seen what this has done to my parents this constant exposure. No thank you. This is a huge factor for me to keep it quiet. I am abou to talk to his mum about it to make her see that we need more help with the child (as in babysitting) but I am a bit reluctant because she was a WS before herself. Generally she is always on my side which was another contributing factor that WS never told her. We had different drama the year before and nearly broke up (this A is a downward spiral from that) and his family is usually very supportive of me. We are all a tight knit unit and love each other very much, in-laws aswell. 



Squeakr said:


> Get counseling and read some books about surviving the affair. A few good reads are "Love Languages", "After the Affair", "Love Busters", and "Not Just Friends". I would recommend that you and your H read them together and discuss the topics. These will help you to find ways to deal with the triggers.


I have read several books and we're currently saving up for counselling. Couple counselling. 



Squeakr said:


> If I had taken your stance and route, I never would have found out that my WS's best friends and mother all thought what she did was fine (I found that she told lots of lies about me and they thought she was justified in her A due to the lies she told. Don't be surprised if you talk to people and find out that your WH did the same and now you are the bad guy to them). We eliminated those friends that weren't supportive of our situation. Yes it is a hardship to lose friends, but we viewed it as, were they really friends in the first place if they thought it was right for the A to happen? We also found out that they were willing to help facilitate their meetings by watching kids, offering up places, etc. Sickens me to think that people are this way, but it is what it is and I can't change the world.
> 
> Good luck and I hope some of this helps.


Ok I understand better now what you mean. No his familiy has no clue and would be truly shocked. Mortified. They would still embrace him but also me. 

As said important friends know and now I am friends with her direct neighbour - which is a total coincidence.


----------



## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Callisto said:


> I am ....
> 
> So you are basically telling me it has no future anyway because immediate changes cannot be met right this minute?
> 
> ...


I'm trying to help here 

and unfortunately telling you no just carry on would be lying to you and I'm sure you've already had a bellyfull of that 

What I am telling you is that whilst OW is still in the picture, still having the slightest contact with your husband your chances of a proper true reconciliation are nil 

none 

I 'm not considering other changes that you may well initiate that could improve this or that because unless this single no contact with OW one is met %1,000 you are finished before you even start


----------



## Callisto (Jul 30, 2013)

Callisto said:


> I have finally realised that now and I know that the key to MY happiness is his hapiness. .


Ok reading it back - this sounds terrible. 

I did not mean this in a servant obedient way of the good wifey nature who wants to please her fella. :scratchhead: 
No what I meant is - I chose to be with him, it is my choice alone and I WANT to be happy with him again. To reach this goal I need to overcome a few obstacles - if I would have realised this earlier without being so stubborn things could have been avoided maybe. But again - I am not willing to take blame but I do realise where I need to go differently to reach the goals I have set for myself.


----------



## Callisto (Jul 30, 2013)

Headspin said:


> I'm trying to help here
> 
> and unfortunately telling you no just carry on would be lying to you and I'm sure you've already had a bellyfull of that
> 
> ...



I appreciate you trying to help me. 
It's just a bleak outlook and I just don't believe that every single family who went through this escaped to a different state. Who pays for all of that? 

What happens to people who cheat with relatives? They cut ties with their whole family forever? 

There must be a way around it.


----------



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Like I described, by exposing, it gives you the control over your situation and also lets others know that you are aware and they will be more aware of how they react and interact with you. If they know it is a sore spot for you, they will not say things or bring about things that will trigger you, for instance the friend that is a neighbor of hers will be more aware and watch what she says. Whereas in the past she might have said I know you from your better half being at my neighbors and bringing that up lots, she now knows that it is not a subject to bring up, unless she sees him there again and she knows him being there is not acceptable (if she accepts him being there, then she is not a friend of yours or the marriage and needs to be cut lose).

It is not constant exposure and harping, as like you say that does no good. It is one time exposure. Tell one and all. I can see the point in not wanting it revealed, but when you are hiding it, it is also making it like it never happened or existed or saying somewhat that you know and are fine with it. By letting everyone know (it is better too if you make him tell everyone) it gets it out ini the open and shows that you are telling everyone it was shameful, wrong, and you don't agree or accept it. 

I see you have done lots, but you need to have him do lots as well (in fact he needs to do the heavy lifting). You say you have read the books, what about him? He can benefit just as much from them as you can. Also make him show you his phone, not you as for it to be shown. You two need to set down and set boundaries that you both can agree upon as well as things he can do to rebuild the trust and make things right. You both should have input into this, as if he comes up with ideas, then it shows he is thinking about the marriage and making amends with things he can and is willing to do, if you set all the rules, then it is perceived as punishment.

These are things you can do. I know that we don't have the full story, but it seems that he is not doing much, you are taking lots of the responsibilities and doing the hard work. You state that your happiness stems from his happiness. You shouldn't base your outcomes on his. This makes you become a pleaser in order to achieve your own happiness and he will realize this and use it to his favor in the end(he can act unhappy knowing that you will in the end give in to him and let him have his way in order to be happy yourself).

You have been given lots of good advice, now it is up to you to take it and do with it as you will. I am afraid that you are too wrapped up in the situation to realize what truly needs to be done, and like the most of us too scared to follow through. Don't let anyone else's experience dictate your outcome. Just because your parents reacted one way and the outcome is not what you think it is (you say they hate each other, but they are still together so maybe this is the way that they are truly happy, who are you to judge?), this maybe the reason that he cheated in the first place. Step outsie the box and really analyze the situation, in one sentence you say that the parents hate each other and their marriage is a sham, but then in another you say we all love each other and are a tight knit unit. Doesn't sound that way to me??

These are just my $0.02 take it or leave it, as it is worth as much as the paper it is written on (and it is on the net, so no paper  )


----------



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Callisto said:


> I appreciate you trying to help me.
> It's just a bleak outlook and I just don't believe that every single family who went through this escaped to a different state. Who pays for all of that?
> 
> What happens to people who cheat with relatives? They cut ties with their whole family forever?
> ...


Most that are in this situation, don't live a 5 minute walk (that is what a 1.5 minute run) away from their AP and work almost daily with them. Those that it is work related, generally find new jobs, those that it is location related, generally relocate. You are in the rare situation that it is both, so the only real way is to relocate, or force her to somehow!, or to become a hermit and never go out anywhere and hoe she never comes to your neighborhood on a walk.

Yes it is an expensive venture to up and move, but if you truly want this to work it is the best way in your situation. Which is worth more to you, your current lifestyle and situation, or your family being happy and healthy? I just don't see the latter happening where you currently are. The expense is yours to take, but so was marriage and you gambled on that. I can see not wanting to disrupt your child and home, but think about how your H crapped all over it already when he did what he did. He did his thing without acre for you, your child, or his family and home. You are at least thinking of yours. Think about it this way, how is it going to be for your child when it comes out that his Daddy was hooking up with the neighbor? Do you think the great schooling he is getting now is going to make up for the shame and humiliation he feels every time he see her kid or her in the neighborhood (or the whispers behind your families back when you go out into the community)? Sometimes the best way to avoid is to relocate. I know you like the area you live in but what about you H and kid (they might not feel the same knowing that she is so close by). Have you discussed this with them, might want to if not (and there are ways to talk to a child to get their feelings and thoughts without revealing the A to them)?


----------



## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

I agree with Callisto, no two situations are exactly the same. Each married couple handles infidelity , and the aftermath differently. Yes in a perfect world her SO wouldn't have any contact with the OW, and in that perfect world Callisto wouldn't have to see her ever again. But she is being selfless in the situation putting her child's schooling as priority number 1 and that's admirable. I understand the views of others who have posted , and yes if her SO still works with the woman he might be temped to reengage with the affair, but if Callisto has come to terms with the A, and picking up and moving, changing jobs and so forth isn't a realistic option, that has to be taken into consideration. 
I understand this is a public forum and there are many people who are extremely well versed and know the pain infidelity can inflict, but I think on occasion people overreact and are very dramatic. I don't really believe there is a cookie cutter approach which can be applied to every situation though, we are all different, we all deal with relationships and turmoil within them differently.


----------



## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

I feel for you. I live in a small town and see POSOW from time to time. I have twice come out of the grocery store to see her sitting in her car. Once, she sent her husband in to the store to avoid facing me. I wish she hadn't seen my car and had come in...I would have loved to have asked her "So, whose husband are you sleeping with now?", because she is seeing someone else now (yes, her husband is a cuckold, and doesn't seem to mind as long as she keeps up the facade at functions)


----------



## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Callisto said:


> I appreciate you trying to help me.
> It's just a bleak outlook and I just don't believe that every single family who went through this escaped to a different state. Who pays for all of that?
> 
> What happens to people who cheat with relatives? They cut ties with their whole family forever?
> ...


Nope. There isn't. Affairs can be highly addictive. Keeping in contact with the APs or toxic people who helped with the affair is like keeping heroine right outside a methadone clinic. How many people do you really think are able to resist that kind of temptation?


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Callisto said:


> As said important friends know and now I am friends with her direct neighbour - which is a total coincidence.


I would not be so sure about it. Be careful when you find her asking you a lot of questions.


----------



## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

You won't move. He can't change his job. He can't fire her. 

You need to understand that continued contact between your husband and his girlfriend is going to reignite the affair, if it ever actually stopped in the first place. Not might reignite the affair, will reignite the affair. 

Read some other threads in CWI. Read a lot of them. You will not find a single instance of affair partners maintaining contact without continuing the affair. That's why you find in every thread about breaking up an affair that no contact is the first thing required. 

There is a lot of collective experience on this board, and that collective experience is giving you good advice, and you're answer is to keep insisting that your situation is different. It's not, it's so common as to be almost cliche, as is your response.

So I'm going to give you different advice. If you won't move and you can't stop the contact between the two of them, have an open marriage. You're going to anyway whether you want to or not so you might as well get on board with it.


----------



## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Soveryalone said:


> I agree with Callisto, no two situations are exactly the same. Each married couple handles infidelity , and the aftermath differently. Yes in a perfect world her SO wouldn't have any contact with the OW, and in that perfect world Callisto wouldn't have to see her ever again. But she is being selfless in the situation putting her child's schooling as priority number 1 and that's admirable. I understand the views of others who have posted , and yes if her SO still works with the woman he might be temped to reengage with the affair, but if Callisto has come to terms with the A, and picking up and moving, changing jobs and so forth isn't a realistic option, that has to be taken into consideration.
> I understand this is a public forum and there are many people who are extremely well versed and know the pain infidelity can inflict, but I think on occasion people overreact and are very dramatic. I don't really believe there is a cookie cutter approach which can be applied to every situation though, we are all different, we all deal with relationships and turmoil within them differently.


With respect there is no reconciliation in existence on this planet that is/was good pure and successful that had the wayward spouse still working, still interacting in close contact with the affair partner. 

It never happened and never will. Sorry but that one aspect is a fact 

You are right in that every affair / infidelity is different but where reconciliation is concerned a OW OM still on the scene is a universal no - it kills everything stone dead - it's the old axe waiting to fall - again

On this one aspect there is no compromise 

true reconciliation = no affair partners


----------



## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Headspin said:


> true reconciliation = no affair partners


OP - Print this phrase in big letters and hand it where you can read it every day. 

If you want to save your marriage, there has to be NC with the AP! You are only 3 months into this ordeal. There is a good chance they have cooled down things for now but it will pick up after your guard is down in a few months. 

If you do not have access to his FB or email, those two avenues right there could be how they took it underground. Maybe you should request to see his page and FB messages and work email and gauge his reaction.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Ten months is a long term affair.
Did he go through the whithdrawal?
Do you believe he's honest about what OW represent for him now?
Do you believe he's over her?

Is he putting some effort on his own to fix this or taking interest in the "how to" beyond compliance to the rules you imposed? Any booke read?


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Callisto said:


> Thank you everyone for your replies.
> 
> We can't move because first of all I don't want to. I'm not native to the country we live in and this area we moved to - I finally feel really at hime. It is MY territory. The child's school is right there and where we live we need to be close to school in order to be allowed to attend.
> 
> ...


Offer her some used clothing. "Well, dear, you had my used husband, so..."


----------



## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

I think we all have triggers, if it's not THE actual AP, then it's something that reminds us of them. A kind of car, a certain race, etc. 

It's tempting to say some snide remark and I think nobody would dis you if you allowed yourself that evil pleasure. However, you don't sound like you want to slap her face into next week, just be AWAY from her orbit. So an option would be to walk tall and proud (even if you're short ha ha) and BE the one with the upper hand. She stole something form you, she is a theif. Yes, WH had part of that, but she has the ugly on her soul, not you. But today you still have the moral high ground. It may not be pleasant ground, but at least you can walk proud as one who is true to yourself (and, btw, your WS).

When my second LTR left me for a married guy, I actually prayed for the guy. Not because she was so horrible, but because I felt he needed God's hand to wake up and not be such a destroyer of his own wife's heart. I don't know if it worked, but one thing I have heard is that when you pray for your enemies, God makes their life uncomfortable. *God gets to do that, not me.* How he does it is beyond me and I don't really care, I just know I can honestly say I asked God to forgive them and have His voice be the loudest one in their heads.


----------



## Callisto (Jul 30, 2013)

Thank you everyone for your input.

I came on here to find advice for the interim time where things can't be changed. It seems a lot of negativity is read into my posts because I don't want to disclose more details. I have not written dwon what is actively done by the WS so it's automatically assumed he just doesn't.

He did an incredibly ****ty thing, something he'll never live down. Nevertheless I decided to stay on and try but I don't want to justify myself on here for every little action I have not diclosed in detail. I appreciate every advice and I do see your point but bashing decisions is not helpful. Things are the way they are and for now - which is still a few months ahead because I have explained why things cannot be changed imeediately - I needed help for this time being. I am aware what would be best, we are working on this. The NOW would have been the issue. 

I have enough on my plate as it is, I don't want to deal with the feeling of having to justify myself on here because the "infidelity law" says I am basically doomed. It put me in an awful state of mind the last 2 days and that is not beneficial for my personal recovery so I'll leave again. It was worth a try and chances with forums are always that one won't like several of the posts written but I am too fragile currently to deal with it. But thank you everyone - I appreciate everyones time and thought put into this thread. 

:awink:


----------



## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Callisto said:


> Thank you everyone for your input.
> 
> I came on here to find advice for the interim time where things can't be changed. It seems a lot of negativity is read into my posts because I don't want to disclose more details. I have not written dwon what is actively done by the WS so it's automatically assumed he just doesn't.
> 
> ...


You don't have to tell us anything, much less everything. But the less you tell us the less we have to work with and the more we have to rely on experience from other situations. You've received the best advice based on that experience. If there's more things you think we should consider, it's on you to provide that information.


----------



## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Callisto said:


> Thank you everyone for your input.
> 
> I came on here to find advice for the interim time where things can't be changed. It seems a lot of negativity is read into my posts because I don't want to disclose more details. I have not written dwon what is actively done by the WS so it's automatically assumed he just doesn't.
> 
> ...


Fair enough Callisto I wish you all the best hope you can pick your way through the debris to a better place 

Do feel tho unless you get OW completely out of your husbands life you will be back here at some point. Hope that's not the case but seems inevitable

Good luck anyways


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

We will always be here for you, Calisto. Always. Please remember that. And the beauty is you do not have to look at the shocked or horrified expression as you might if you told someone in your social circle what you were put through.

Why? Because we just nod and say: "Oh! Yours did that, too, huh?" 

Because we have been where you are and we are where you are, too.:smthumbup:


----------

