# What should a husband expect from his wife



## Seniorsutton (Oct 4, 2017)

Not complaining because she is loving in her own way. But is it wrong of me to miss her heart felt love notes, her small surprises, her asking me on a date, help with yard work, and her dedication to research ways to progress our marriage. I may be over thinking, but it seems when it's brought up she just does it because she feels she has to. I know things change over the years but it's getting harder for me to do those things for her, and I love doing it because she is the world to me even after 12 years of marriage.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

I'm a wife not a husband but I don't think it's asking too much for either spouse to do things that please the other. You should google "his needs her needs" and "the five love languages" and after you have looked it over share it with your wife.


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## Seniorsutton (Oct 4, 2017)

I do all of that already, share stuff, and it doesn't last long, I'm kind of lost at this point.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

Seniorsutton said:


> I do all of that already, share stuff, and it doesn't last long, I'm kind of lost at this point.


Are you saying you've read "his needs her needs" and "the 5 love languages" already?


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## Seniorsutton (Oct 4, 2017)

5 love languages yes, and have discussed and shown her numerous resources on his and hers needs.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Seniorsutton said:


> Not complaining because she is loving in her own way. But is it wrong of me to miss her heart felt love notes, her small surprises, her asking me on a date, help with yard work, and her *dedication to research ways to progress our marriage*.


If you feel your wife needs to dedicate herself to researching ways to progress her marriage, she might be married to the wrong person.

If I ever want my wife to lose attraction for me and subsequently divorce me, I'll start with telling her that I want her to research ways to progress our marriage.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Seniorsutton said:


> I do all of that already, share stuff, and it doesn't last long, I'm kind of lost at this point.


I think in many marriages there is one partner who is more in tune with the emotional climate of the marriage relationship and they spend most of their time on this compared with the other partner. When the active partner gets fed up and stops doing those things, then it spells a decent, if you are not moving upwards you are moving backwards, I have seen it in my marriage.


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## Seniorsutton (Oct 4, 2017)

Personal, I can sort of understand your ideals. But isn't the point of marriage to keep learning, to keep progressing in new ways, and to figure out what your partner enjoys? I mean maybe it's just me but if what you say is true then why are there so many marriage literature and books out there. It's a new age and marriage in general is progressing from what grandma and grandpa did.


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## Seniorsutton (Oct 4, 2017)

Aine, yeah I'm kind of at the point where I'm wondering why I try so hard but it's confusing.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Have the two of you ever considered Marriage Counseling?*


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Is your wife meeting your needs? I am reading this like you have expectations that go above and beyond just getting your needs met. Are you sure you aren't just overly needy or demanding? And are you sure that you are meeting HER needs in the way that she actually needs you to? (her Love Language)


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Seniorsutton said:


> Not complaining because she is loving in her own way. But is it wrong of me to miss her heart felt love notes, her small surprises, her asking me on a date, help with yard work, and her dedication to research ways to progress our marriage. I may be over thinking, but it seems when it's brought up she just does it because she feels she has to. I know things change over the years but it's getting harder for me to do those things for her, and I love doing it because she is the world to me even after 12 years of marriage.


Sure, these change over the years BUT THEY SHOULD'NT. These small things is what keeps the fire going and sparks flying in the breeze. Anything other than getting small notes, flowers every now and then, help in the yard or kitchen and most of all a show of APPRECIATION, you are nothing more than room mates. 

Your W could never be so wrong. Just a small note from me does wonders for my W. Flowers once a month always. Help were she needs it. Date nights. Showing of my appreciation for everything she does. Most of all, my undivided attention when we are talking.


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## Seniorsutton (Oct 4, 2017)

3x, I guess you could be right. As a husband I suppose all I need is my intimate needs met, and lunch made. The rest is just things I should be continuing doing for her. Thanks for all the advice everyone, I just realised that over the course of history it is the man's responsibility to focus all this on his woman.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Seniorsutton said:


> 3x, I guess you could be right. As a husband I suppose all I need is my intimate needs met, and lunch made. The rest is just things I should be continuing doing for her. Thanks for all the advice everyone, I just realised that over the course of history it is the man's responsibility to focus all this on his woman.


Not true sir. It goes both ways. If not, one gets discouraged. My W reciprocates all the time. I have my needs like you. I get that appreciation in notes, picking up special foods, dates she plans or a good time upstairs, etc. Both need to make each a priority.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Seniorsutton said:


> Personal, I can sort of understand your ideals. But isn't the point of marriage to keep learning, to keep progressing in new ways, and to figure out what your partner enjoys?


My wife and I learn new things all of the time, make progress and know what each other enjoys. Yet neither of us need or want a marriage to do any of those things, and do such things independently of one another and outside of marriage as well.

The point of our marriage is to formalise our wanton and very carnal sexual relationship for family, economic and legal reasons.

Our marital relationship is not a crutch for inadequacies, or a place to hide poor self esteem, indecisiveness and or vapid neediness. Nor is it a classroom where one spouse gets to patronisingly check if the other spouse is up to speed on their relationship homework. 

I want my wife, yet I don't need her. While my wife wants me, yet she doesn't need me.

Which is why we have so far enjoyed a splendid highly sexual marital relationship for 18+ years, all while we have both laid each other like tile for 21+ years.

If you want to know what your partner enjoys, ask them and also pay attention to their responses to different stimuli.



Seniorsutton said:


> I mean maybe it's just me but if what you say is true then why are there so many marriage literature and books out there.


There are so many because publishers and authors can profit from producing such literature aimed at those who feel they can't figure things out for themselves.



Seniorsutton said:


> It's a new age and marriage in general is progressing from what grandma and grandpa did.


Modern marriage is not that far removed from those who married in the 1940s and 1950s

Infidelity and sexless relationships aren't new to marriage at all either. While from the mid 19th century there have also been plenty of men and women who were married, that participated in a variety of consenting multiple partner non-monogamous sexual relationships as well.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Seniorsutton said:


> 3x, I guess you could be right. As a husband I suppose all I need is my intimate needs met, and lunch made. The rest is just things I should be continuing doing for her. Thanks for all the advice everyone, I just realised that over the course of history it is the man's responsibility to focus all this on his woman.


Wow, way to twist my words. I was trying to make you take a look at your dynamic. Are you always so quickly defensive?? Many men do things for their wives thinking that what they are doing MUST be right, and don't understand when the wife doesn't seem content and doesn't respond in the way that he thinks that she should. You said that you read His Needs Her Needs and the 5 Love Languages... did your wife do the questions so that you could find out what HER needs and love language really are? Did you let her know yours based on the books?

Lets say you are super generous giving her gifts all the time, buying little things here and there, but she never seems to really appreciate them. You become irritated over time, because YOU THINK that these gifts should make her happy, because giving them makes YOU happy and seems like a good thing to do. But lets say your wife's primary love language is physical touch, and you never hold her hand, or give random hugs, and never kiss. All the gifts in the world are not going to make her feel loved and fulfill her real need. In turn, she is not going to reciprocate by filling YOUR needs either after a while. Its all about give and take. 

However, if she DOES meet your primary need/love language, and you are asking for this above and beyond, then that seems kinda unfair. What if she did the same to you? You would feel that no matter how good a spouse you are, that you just cannot win.

Maybe I am off base, and she is a withdrawn, cold wife. If she wasn't before, then you need to get to the bottom of that change.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

You should be communicating this in some way. Don't expect her to be a mind reader. Also what has changed in your relationship? Do you have kids now or other responsibilities? It is unrealistic to expect any relationship to stay the way it was when you first started dating. Life is just like that. Doesn't mean you can't have normal expectations though.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Seniorsutton said:


> Not complaining because she is loving in her own way. But is it wrong of me to miss her heart felt love notes, her small surprises, her asking me on a date, help with yard work, and her dedication to research ways to progress our marriage.


It's not _unreasonable_ to want those things, but it is _uncommon_ in a long-term marriage. 

For many people, especially men, they are only highly romantic during the start of a relationship when everything is new, exciting, and lots of love hormones are flowing. Then they eagerly want to talk for hours, write notes, give gifts, etc. But as time goes on, life becomes more routine and brain chemistry goes back to normal. The natural desire to do those little romantic things becomes less and less.

What you desire is a "new-relationship" level of romantic behaviors. If that's not part of her normal behavior, it's unlikely she'll just start one day. You'll have to put in some extra work to cause her to feel like doing romantic gestures. And even then, it may not be as much as you like. So while I don't think it's unreasonable to want those things, I do think it's unreasonable to expect that a long-term relationship will have the same level of romantic gestures as a dating relationship.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Seniorsutton said:


> I do all of that already, share stuff, and it doesn't last long, I'm kind of lost at this point.





Seniorsutton said:


> 5 love languages yes, and have discussed and shown her numerous resources on his and hers needs.





Seniorsutton said:


> .....But isn't the point of marriage to keep learning, to keep progressing in new ways, and to figure out what your partner enjoys? I mean maybe it's just me but if what you say is true then why are there so many marriage literature and books out there. It's a new age and marriage in general is progressing from what grandma and grandpa did.





Seniorsutton said:


> ....As a husband I suppose all I need is my intimate needs met, and lunch made. The rest is just things I should be continuing doing for her. Thanks for all the advice everyone, I just realised that over the course of history it is the man's responsibility to focus all this on his woman.


A few thoughts. 

A healthy marriage is not about two codependent people. A healthy marriage involves two individuals who come together to form a nuclear family with a commitment by both. A healthy marriage doesn't require one person to give, give, give with nothing being emotionally returned.

From what I know about marriage, it takes two to make it work and it takes two to make it fail. You sound like you are thinking about emotionally checking out. If you do, your marriage will likely fail at some point in the future. You can accept that and check out and wait, you can jump ahead and end your marriage or .....................you can try to change things. A hopeless attitude will get you nowhere.

Some have suggested marriage counseling, I think that is a great idea. I also think that maybe you might want to figure out how you can change your life in a way so that you are more emotionally able to meet your own needs and give you wife the emotional space she probably needs. 

In the big picture of things, I am sure you are emotionally hurting, but if you read a lot of the stories on the website you will see others with situations that are horrific. 

Good luck.

P.S. You might read Glover's book No More Mr. Nice Guy. It is about codependent men who need women's emotional validation to be happy and the kinds of things they do that drive their wives away.


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