# What to do



## The Ugly Truth (Apr 22, 2013)

Hi, I'm new and this is my first time posting. I found this forum by accident this weekend trying to understand the continuous stream of lies I'm told when trying to get to the truth.

A bit of a backstory. I found out about his affair Dec 31st 2012... Yup, this past New Years Eve. We had just been married a little over a year. He had brought home his work computer and needed to close out the year's final transactions - and that's when I saw a familiar name (an ex of his) in his work email and was able to forward it on to myself before he intercepted and deleted everything else. The things I read in that email I will never be able to forget. She calling him "Daddy" and the sick sexual fantasy world the two of them had going on. He swore to me it was only emails, that nothing sexual / physical had ever gone on between the two of them since we've been together. He swore it was only for the past couple of months that this has been going on. He cried, he begged, he pleaded and swore to God. I kicked him out that night, changed the locks and filed for divorce January 2nd. 

I told him I was going to speak to her (the OW - is that how I'm supposed to say it??) and I did. At first she swore nothing physical had gone on as well. But that he and she had been going on like this for at least 1 1/2 - 2 yrs. That it had always been "you, me and him". She forwarded me many, many emails between her and him dating back from the time he and I were engaged. Him always suggesting they meet up.

During this time my husband was still very upset, calling, begging for forgiveness, swearing nothing happened. He apologized to my family too and swore nothing physical had gone on it was just a bunch of sex talk through emails.


Thing is, that rational part of me would not believe that they could be in regular contact for 2 years, him suggesting they hook up, and and not have gotten together. So I lied to him. I called him and told him I had just spoken to the OW again, that she told me and that I wanted to hear everything from him. He started crying, begged me not to make him do this and then he told me.

The first time was the night before our wedding while I was with my mother and maid of honor - separated the night before the wedding from my groom - as tradition goes. Ouch. That one stung and stung hard. I have never cried as hard as I did after hearing that. A soul crushing wail escaped from me that I didn't know I was even capable of making. 

The second was after we were married. He wanted to show her his new car, and get some head - but wasn't able to finish because there were people around.

That's it - he swore. There's no more to tell, he said, and that I knew everything. That he loved me, would never lie or hurt me again. And stupid me, I believed him. 

We started marriage counseling almost immediately. Marriage counselor said that my husband truly shows remorse and that he thinks he's learned from the total devastation he's caused and that the two of us have alot to work with. He made it quite clear to my husband many times that the ENTIRE truth must be out for us to move on and to heal. That full disclosure was a must in this situation and my husband agreed and promised that everything there was to tell was out on the table.

And I believed him. Silly me. 

The past 3 1/2 months things have been going so much better between us. I had even told him that I forgave him and dropped the divorce proceedings. He promised, swore on everything that he could never put me through the pain and hurt again and that he was going to be an honest, faithful husband. Until yesterday, when looking at our wedding pictures triggered something in me and we had another discussion regarding the affairs and he slipped.

Another lie. I caught him in yet another lie regarding the details of everything he's told me. I started yelling and today told him that I wanted to hear all of it (not that I haven't said this a million times before only to be told I know everything) and this was his response:

"There is one other thing that I may have not told you. The time we went to lunch at the Chinese place, I did kiss her goodbye, and felt her up a little. It was the first time we did anything like that after you and I got married. I did plan on figuring out a way to have sex with her, but it never happened. I DID NOT have sex with her any of the times. I’m so willing to get a lie detector test to prove to you that it is all the truth, and what I’m telling you is truly everything. "

Okay, so now that's 3 PA's that he's admitting to. And once again more lies. I just feel so stupid. That even after everything I tried to trust him again by believing all was feeding me and he was still LYING.

The kicker is, before all of this was found out we decided to have a home built and have put sizeable down payments (earnest money) in the home. I called today and if I don't cancel the home by tomorrow we will lose another $5000...

I'm totally at a loss on how to proceed. He keeps crying saying he loves me and to give him YET ANOTHER chance that he won't lie anymore - blah blah blah. I so want to believe him but his history has proven to me that I can't

I know he loves me - but how do we ever move beyond this??? I thought marriage counseling was helping and yes, things were starting to get better, until more of the truth was revealed... 

Do I call it right now, cancel the house, file for another divorce and move on??? Do these lies ever stop??? How do I move past this when the ONE time I needed him to be honest with me to help me heal he couldn't even disclose the entire truth.

Sorry so long, but I've been bottling this up for so long and just so glad I found this site as many of you seem to have very similar stories and hopefully I can gain some insite...


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## brokenhearted118 (Jan 31, 2013)

So sorry to hear all of this. I say cancel the house. You can always buy another house. Right now you need to get "Your House" in order (forgive the pun) and figure out where you go from here. I don't know what to say other than, do not let finances dictate your decisions. This is HUGE and not knowing if this marriage will survive is far more significant than a house. Besides, how could you come home to this new home, all the while knowing that is was literally built on lies. If you end up reconciling, the opportunity to build a new home with a new life is far more gratifying than the one currently being constructed. As far as I see it, this marriage and house has exploded at the moment. Good luck & stay strong!


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Hi,

Sorry you are here.

Divorce him now.

Also, they had sex lots. Trickle truth is always the same.

I was told they had just been friends, then kissed, then messed about, then sex 5 times, then blah blah blah.

Each time was an admission after I had spotted another inconsistency - just like you did.

If there are no kids and your whole marriage is a lie then why bother.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'd cancel the house.

My first instinct is to suggest D. He has cheated on you for your entire relationship. Why should you stay with someone who could do that?

If you want to stay with him, Then I'd give him one chance to come really clean, followed by a polygraph to prove it. Then based on what you learn make the call.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

After just one year of marriage? 

How old are you two? He's been acting like a 17 y/o h0rney boy since before your marriage. And this chick knew to contact him at work only. How do you suppose that happened? 

Yeah, he told her to keep it on the DL and only contact him at work. I think there's probably more. Who (except *maybe* a 17y/o) is satisfied with just sexting when the "real thing" is a sure thing?


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## The Ugly Truth (Apr 22, 2013)

He's 38 and I'm turning 39 in a few days. And yes, this entire thing was happening during his work hours and on his lunch hour. He never slipped up - not even ONCE - the entire time we were together to give me any clue that this kind of thing was going on. He'd kiss me goodbye, tell me he loved me and then go to work to a whole separate secret life. He has admitted telling her to only contact him at work and to tell me that nothing physical had happened if I ever asked.

Everyone that knows us/him were blown away by this entire thing just because he seemingly loves me THAT MUCH.


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> After just one year of marriage?
> 
> How old are you two? He's been acting like a 17 y/o h0rney boy since before your marriage. And this chick knew to contact him at work only. How do you suppose that happened?
> 
> Yeah, he told her to keep it on the DL and only contact him at work. I think there's probably more. *Who (except *maybe* a 17y/o) is satisfied with just sexting when the "real thing" is a sure thing?*


My stbxh apparently, who *still* insists NOTHING physical happened.

Cancel the house. No point in losing $5000 over someone who clearly has issues and does NOT love and respect you enough to be honest even after he has been caught. That's what did my stbxh in - when he should have come clean, he didn't. Denied it all at first, then the trickle truth with more evidence I found. Unfortunately, I cannot prove physical contact and he knows it. OW1 denies and OW2 won't speak to me and has told me to never contact her again. 

He screwed another woman the night before your wedding. Do you really need any more of a reason to get the he!! out?


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

The Ugly Truth said:


> He's 38 and I'm turning 39 in a few days. And yes, this entire thing was happening during his work hours and on his lunch hour. He never slipped up - not even ONCE - the entire time we were together to give me any clue that this kind of thing was going on. He'd kiss me goodbye, tell me he loved me and then go to work to a whole separate secret life. He has admitted telling her to only contact him at work and to tell me that nothing physical had happened if I ever asked.
> 
> *Everyone that knows us/him were blown away by this entire thing just because he seemingly loves me THAT MUCH.*


*Cheaters are master liars *- and primarily to themselves.
When I called OW1 (who denies even the EA - says it wasn't her (cue "It wasn't me" song). What she did say was how she couldn't believe he'd do such a thing, how he worships me, talks about me all the time at work (which, if true, shows how skanky these chicks REALLY are - oh, OW2 is a workmate too. Apparently, stbxh likes to poop where he eats.), blah, blah, etc., etc. 

Come to think of it, the "show" might be some sort of alibi building exercise - if you make everyone believe you are head-over-heels in love with your spouse, then NO one will believe it if/when your nasty little secret is discovered.

Don't put ANYTHING past the mind of a cheater, especially a serial cheater. They are shrewd and clever and have thought of angles you will never in a million years have thought of. 

Trust your instinct. Of all the things I regret the most about my situation, is not trusting my instinct. It was THE ONLY thing that was right all along.


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## The Ugly Truth (Apr 22, 2013)

ScorchedEarth said:


> He screwed another woman the night before your wedding. Do you really need any more of a reason to get the he!! out?


Well, according to him he never screwed her... oral sex only.

Says he'd take a lie detector test to prove it.


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## The Ugly Truth (Apr 22, 2013)

ScorchedEarth said:


> *
> 
> Trust your instinct. Of all the things I regret the most about my situation, is not trusting my instinct. It was THE ONLY thing that was right all along.*


*


Scary part is I had NO IDEA this was going on!! Normally, I have a very good intuition and sense if something's not right and I felt ABSOLUTELY NOTHING out of the ordinary this past two years. That scares the heck out of me that I can't even trust myself. *


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Your very first instinct was right - you filed for divorce when you discovered the e-mail.

He won't give her up. He'll just get even sneakier. He lives a double life. What you hear is just one part of the double life. What she hears is everything. You are the one he is lying to.

And if he decides to cut her loose? He'll find someone else. He's a congenital liar. It sounds like he's very charming and believable, but that is also unfortunately very standard for his type.

I'm sorry, but he married you completely expecting to have her as well. You really can't believe anything he says. As they say, if his lips are moving, he's lying.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

He'll say anything right now. Later he'll say the polygraph is wrong and will show you *proof* from the internet. 

Either way R or D - drop the house. You can't settle down with this guy for a loooonng time. 

Tell him you want him to take a poly. Tell him to show you his laptop whenever you want to see it. 

Later, look at his browser history for these: "how to beat a lie detector" or "how reliable are lie detectors" .... it's a given. 

Is this your first marriage? His?


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

The Ugly Truth said:


> Well, according to him he never screwed her... oral sex only.
> 
> Says he'd take a lie detector test to prove it.


Ahh, pulling the ol' Bill Clinton - oral sex isn't really sex. 
Ok, so instead of her vagina, his penis was in her mouth.

Do you feel better about it now?

Your answer to that is your answer to it all.


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## The Ugly Truth (Apr 22, 2013)

My second marriage - his first.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

If he can lie so convincingly, you will never be OK in your marriage. Really never.


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## The Ugly Truth (Apr 22, 2013)

ScorchedEarth said:


> Ahh, pulling the ol' Bill Clinton - oral sex isn't really sex.
> Ok, so instead if her vagina, his penis was in her mouth.
> 
> Do you feel better about it now?
> ...


Not in the least... I was going to divorce him just over the nasty emails... but then I found out the rest... I think I was in shock for awhile - completely numb.

It's like I had found out my husband had an entirely separate life besides the one he has with me.

I look at him and he looks so inncocent and sincere - it's hard to see the ugliness inside him that allows him to do this.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

The Ugly Truth said:


> He's 38 and I'm turning 39 in a few days. And yes, this entire thing was happening during his work hours and on his lunch hour. He never slipped up - not even ONCE - the entire time we were together to give me any clue that this kind of thing was going on. He'd kiss me goodbye, tell me he loved me and then go to work to a whole separate secret life. He has admitted telling her to only contact him at work and to tell me that nothing physical had happened if I ever asked.
> 
> Everyone that knows us/him were blown away by this entire thing just because he seemingly loves me THAT MUCH.


You are old enough to know better.

This guy is damaged. Something inside of him is broken.

What kind of person cheats the NIGHT BEFORE THEIR WEDDING?

Then continues to cheat throughout their first year of marriage?

IS PROBABLY STILL CHEATING NOW?

I guess he is a good talker, very convincing.

If he really does love you, that makes him even more broken inside.

Look around at these threads. There are a lot of broken, damaged people, serially cheating, telling lie after lie, getting caught time after time. Somehow they always seem to find the ONE PERSON who will constantly overlook their adulterous behavior and rationalize it away - I love him/her so much, he/she loves me so much.

I can understand being in disbelief and not thinking how much is wrong on the inside of this guy - he fooled you so completely.

But take a step back and look at your story, start to finish. What is the explanation for this type of behavior?


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

Don't accept that oral sex bullish..... I had a coworker tell me once that he would cheat on his wife if he could "just find a chick who would give him head". Listen, for a lot of guys oral sex is the destination, not a substitution. If he's trolling on the night before his wedding he has no character to get back! There's probably a reason he hasn't got married yet, and it ain't what he told you.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

The Ugly Truth said:


> Hi


Hello.



The Ugly Truth said:


> A bit of a backstory. I found out about his affair Dec 31st 2012... Yup, this past New Years Eve. We had just been married a little over a year.


He was betraying you in your first year???



The Ugly Truth said:


> I kicked him out that night, changed the locks and filed for divorce January 2nd.


A positive start. 



The Ugly Truth said:


> I told him I was going to speak to her (the OW - is that how I'm supposed to say it??) and I did.


Excellent!



The Ugly Truth said:


> The first time was the night before our wedding while I was with my mother and maid of honor - separated the night before the wedding from my groom - as tradition goes.


As bad as it can possibly get.



The Ugly Truth said:


> And I believed him. Silly me.


Ya think? People like us never seem to learn. 



The Ugly Truth said:


> He promised, swore on everything that he could never put me through the pain and hurt again and that he was going to be an honest, faithful husband.


Did he sing and dance as well?



The Ugly Truth said:


> Until yesterday...


Gee, he waited that long? That's decent of him.



The Ugly Truth said:


> Okay, so now that's 3 PA's that he's admitting to. And once again more lies.


I'm hoping as I go along I am NOT, repeat, NOT going to find you asking if you should take him back. 



The Ugly Truth said:


> The kicker is...we will lose another $5000...


Frankly, he should pay you back for this.



The Ugly Truth said:


> I'm totally at a loss on how to proceed.


No, please no....



The Ugly Truth said:


> I know he loves me...


Wha???????? He's screwing a chick on the eve of your wedding, and a minimum of two more and you think he loves you??? Nothing says "I love you" like screwing everything he can find that doesn't have a [coarse remark deleted]. I don't know a gentle way to say this but he has neither love nor respect for you. None. Zero.



The Ugly Truth said:


> Do I call it right now, cancel the house?


And I'm thinkingggggggggggggggggggggggggggg, YES!



The Ugly Truth said:


> File for another divorce and move on???


Gee, this one's a toughie.... lemme think it over..... hmmmmm.... maybe....... HELL YES!!!!!!!!



The Ugly Truth said:


> Do these lies ever stop???


Sadly, they do not.



The Ugly Truth said:


> Sorry so long...


That's OK, you're among friends.



The Ugly Truth said:


> ...hopefully I can gain some insite...


I think you can. There are some very wise people here.

Look, I'm not making fun of you, but trying to get you to realize you have been betrayed beyond measure by a guy who is addicted to this stuff. Addicted. And like the Bible states, "a dog always returns to it's own vomit", so does he.

Please, do yourself a favor and just divorce him. He's killing you.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Don't make the mistake of buying a house together. Neither a home nor a marriage can be built on the foundation of cheating. If he started to cheat on you from before the wedding, when he was supposed to be madly in love and only seeing you, what's gonna happen further ? Save yourself the $$$ and the trouble and do not make any investment.
Secondly, no sugarcoating, oral sex is SEX. Emphasy on the second word not the first. Therefore, it is cheating.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

LanieB said:


> My vote: cancel the house, cancel the marriage.


:iagree:


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