# Can things be saved? Am I being a fool?



## Nma1516 (Sep 24, 2012)

I posted this in another are but I'm new to this site and someone said I should have posted it here.

I want to start out saying that I knew I should not have married him before we got married. I, like so many other morons, thought that we could hash out our issues in time; I thought I could change him. I was 80% prepared to walk out on the day of our wedding and especially the night of our wedding, it was literally the worst night of my life. We have been together for 4 years and married for 1 1/2 years.

My reasons for staying:
1. He took my oldest daughter in and has been raising her as his own without question
2. He loves me
3. He loves the kids
4. He is a hard worker

My reasons for wanting out:
1. He is a very inattentive parent- he never spends time with our kids, won't even watch a movie with them. He is only around to but in when I am disciplining someone.
2. Emotionally unavailable- he disregards my feelings on everything, he comes off as if I am not supposed to have feelings or opinions about things. 
3. Abuses drugs and alcohol- he smokes marijuana and drinks heavy daily. He has slowed on the drinking since I kicked him out once but he still drinks a lot daily (he went from about 18 beers a night to about 6)
4. We do not communicate EVER- we have a lot of financial problems and instead of sitting down and coming up with a game plan, he would rather ignore the problem. I can only do so much on my end without his help. If there are things going on with the kids, we never talk about them, I just mention it on the day of or in passing. When I want to talk about out problems, he shuts down and says that I'm just *****ing and won't even look at me. I've invited him to counseling but his excuse is we cannot afford it. I told him that our insurance covers it and I found a place that offers sessions at a beyond reasonable rate. I've concluded that I would start going alone.
5. We never make time as a couple- I practically beg him to do things with me and after enough complaining he will tag along. If I ask him to watch a movie on the couch, he falls asleep 15 minutes into it after taking 45 minutes to get ready to watch it
6. He knows nothing about our 7 month old son- I wanted to have another baby and he was all for it but now that our son his here and has been here, he rarely helps. He does not know his schedule which is on the fridge. He never spends time with him, I have to yell at him to feed him a bottle or change a diaper. He has never put him to sleep for a nap or bed. He cannot handle him for the entire 2 hours that he stays awake before his next nap. He acts like doing anything for him is difficult
7. He makes me feel like the kids and I are bothersome to him, like he doesn't want to be married or have kids yet he rants and raves about my wife this and my kids that. We never do anything as a family, it's always me doing everything with the kids and for them. My 3 year old adores him, she'll follow him around the house, hold his leg, cries for him during the day and its like he avoids her when he is home. He acts like holding one of the kids for 10 minutes is enough. I'll confront him and he'll say that he had been holding her for hours or he just needs a break. 
11. He gets home from work and listens to pod casts or hides in the bedroom and watches tv. He doesn't eat dinner with us which he says because he isn't eating what we eat. He cooks his own food, cube steak every day.

He has expressed he wants a wife life someone from the 50's, someone I am not. He actually asked me once why didnt me and the girls meet him at the door with an embrace when he got home from work... really?!?!I want a supportive and helpful husband, I want to be able to communicate, I want someone to show me love.

I stay home with the kids because my son was born with health issues and was in the NICU, where my husband was drinking at one point and I was confronted by security (this is why he was kicked out of the house) My son is now doing much better and I am looking for work again.

I think about divorce all day every day but I feel trapped. Honestly, we have nothing in common anymore and I just flat out don't like him. There is not one thing I like about him as a person anymore. Is any of this grounds for divorce? Should I just stick it out, I made this bed I have to lay in it. Is there anything I can do to salvage things?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Nma1516 said:


> My reasons for staying:
> 1. He took my oldest daughter in and has been raising her as his own without question
> 2. *He loves me*
> 3. *He loves the kids*
> ...


One thing I say on this forum again and again is this: Don't ask the question(s) if you don't want the answers.

Re-read the parts of your post that stood out to me. Tell me where, in your list of issues you have with you husband, that indicates he loves you or loves the children. 

Denial. It's a powerful thing. And it keeps us stuck where we don't wish to be.

In most states, there are not grounds for divorce. Certainly "I can't stand my spouse any longer and we have nothing in common" is not grounds. The court system is backed up to the point that many states are strictly no-fault. In other words, if a man is caught in bed with another woman by his wife (in the state where I reside), it is NOT grounds for divorce. Why? No-fault.

You've got a drug abuser and drinker on your hand. It is immaterial that he cut back on the number of beers you see him drink. Addicts are very good at hiding how much they consume.

Want to find out how much he loves you and your kids? Ask him to choose between the dope/booze and you. Then step back and watch him turn the tables and make you out to be the crazy one.

Frankly, you knew you were biting off more than you could chew from the beginning. You have a mess on your hands. Get a free consultation with a family law attorney. I think you are gong to need one in the near future. This is no way to live, and your husband doesn't give a rat's azz about the children he "loves." Not a person children should be around.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Sorry but your list of goods points is so much shorter than your list of bad points - DIVORCE


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Nma1516 said:


> I posted this in another are but I'm new to this site and someone said I should have posted it here.
> 
> I want to start out saying that I knew I should not have married him before we got married. I, like so many other morons, thought that we could hash out our issues in time; I thought I could change him. I was 80% prepared to walk out on the day of our wedding and especially the night of our wedding, it was literally the worst night of my life. We have been together for 4 years and married for 1 1/2 years.
> 
> ...


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

He loves you; He loves the kids; He works hard

Ok...and how is any of that not for him? How are those three things good for you? He may love you and love the kids, but he sure as hell isn't doing anything to SHOW you that.

The fact is, the longer you stay in this marriage the longer it will be until you will be happy in life. If you want to be miserable forever, stay married. He will get what he wants and will continue to live in a world where his bad acts have no consequences.

I see no evidence that he loves you by the way. He drinks, does drugs, isolates himself, ignores the kids, ignores your needs, expressed he wished you were someone different, and on and on and on.

You've now heard what you needed to hear. Do what you know is right.


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## [email protected] (Jan 30, 2012)

NMA1516 please read your own post back to yourself....

I rationalize like this if the good outweighs the bad its worth the fight, if the bad far outweights the good, theres nothing left to fight for.

I am sorry but he has issues way bigger then you can possibly help him through especially if he is not willing to help himself and it seems like he's not.

A marriage is hard, extremely hard work and it takes the work of both people. If you are putting up 90% of the effort and he only 10% its not fair. Not only is it not fair but its not gonna work.

If he was fighting as hard for you as you are for him you just might stand a chance but come on, it sounds like he is making your life a living hell.

If you are a good woman and you sound like you are you deserve so much better and by the way so do your kids. He owes you and your kids a lot more then he is giving and you don't have to put up with this. Gather your support system (your family) and walk away before he brings you any further down.

If he loves you, truly loves you losing his wife and kids will wake him the hell up and he will do what he should which is get some help and prove to you for a change that he deserves you guys back. If he doesn't feel proud that you made the best possible decision for yourself and your children. And please know theres somebody out that that will one day appreciate, love and respect you who is willing to meet you half way and work as hard as it takes to make you happy, becasue this man is clearly not.

I wish you all the best and you always can find support here...


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## sham1024 (Apr 30, 2012)

You have described my husband that I stayed with for 20yrs only to find out that he cheated on me for 15yrs. It will not get better I stayed because I thought I did not deserve any better. I hope that you will get counseling for yourself and him, but do not kid yourself, if he is set in his ways, change for him will not be easy. Only you can change and set boundaries, easier said than done if you are beaten down. Do not wait for more years to pass by, I am almost divorced now and feel so dumb that I put up with this crap, for so long.


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## Nma1516 (Sep 24, 2012)

Thank you everyone for saying the things I could not. I do deserve better and my kids for sure deserve better. If he isn't willing to try and fix things why should I? I have put up with far too much from him and I am mentally done. 

Being honest with yourself is a very hard thing to do...


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## LastUnicorn (Jul 10, 2012)

Your reasons for staying are not the truth. You do not know why you are staying. Figure that out, and it has nothing to do with any aspect of HIM. 

From everything you posted:
He accepted your daughter into his house because she was part of the deal in getting you
He does not love you
He does not love the kids
He does not love himself enough to stop drugs or alcohol
He is a piss poor worker in regards to self care, caring for a wife, and for providing a good relationship to raise children

I have no idea what he was like when the two of you married, but I'll bet even then you had on very thick rose coloured glasses. Why?


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

You are just trying to validate your feelings of wanting to leave him.

Just divorce him & get out. You have the feelings. He doesn't want to discuss them.

You don't love him anymore.. .no where in your post did you even by the width of a breath even THINK about mentioning that you love him. SO the love isn't there.


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## Nma1516 (Sep 24, 2012)

Chelle D said:


> You are just trying to validate your feelings of wanting to leave him.
> 
> Just divorce him & get out. You have the feelings. He doesn't want to discuss them.
> 
> You don't love him anymore.. .no where in your post did you even by the width of a breath even THINK about mentioning that you love him. SO the love isn't there.


Chelle D, I honestly hadn't even thought about that but you are very right. I didn't put that because it's something I feel but have never said out loud because I don't. When he says it, I just say U2 to avoid conflict. 

I don't understand why I am trying to justify things, that is irritating me.


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## Nma1516 (Sep 24, 2012)

LastUnicorn said:


> Your reasons for staying are not the truth. You do not know why you are staying. Figure that out, and it has nothing to do with any aspect of HIM.
> 
> From everything you posted:
> He accepted your daughter into his house because she was part of the deal in getting you
> ...



Blythe time I realized I didn't want to marry him, I felt it was too late to back out. I felt bad because my parents and his parents shelled out a lot of money for a big wedding I thought I wanted and I didn't want to disappoint my parents. I thought it was the right thing to do and that he could change the things I didn't like. 

I know I was a stupid fool for thinking this way and that this all could have been avoided if I hadn't been a coward. I elected to wear those thick rose colored glasses and have finally taken them off.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Please don't be so hard on yourself. I admire your guts to come back on this forum, read everyone's opinion, and not get defensive. You are being honest about WHAT IS, and not living in the laa-laa land of denial, also called WHAT IF.

It won't be any bowl of cherries getting this guy outta your hair; I'd bet the farm he'll either threaten you or attempt some type of manipulative behavior to get you to stay.

Start making plans to get out. Don't give him a clue. I had to do this when my first marriage to an abusive alcoholic was becoming unbearable. I had a plan in place, and once it was executed, I got him out of my hair by blocking him from my cell, email, not telling him where I lived, and getting a restraining order.

I hope it doesn't come to that for you, but it pays to have all your ducks in a row. You will start regaining control of your life and moving on to a much better place.


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## Nma1516 (Sep 24, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> Please don't be so hard on yourself. I admire your guts to come back on this forum, read everyone's opinion, and not get defensive. You are being honest about WHAT IS, and not living in the laa-laa land of denial, also called WHAT IF.
> 
> It won't be any bowl of cherries getting this guy outta your hair; I'd bet the farm he'll either threaten you or attempt some type of manipulative behavior to get you to stay.
> 
> ...



Prodigal, thank you for the kind words. My plan is to attend counseling with or without him, find employment, save money and move on with my life. Someone who does the things he does, doesn't love me or my kids. I'm tired of this.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Nma1516... I'm sorry.. I didn't mean to sound harsh.. It just really seemed like you didn't or don't want to acknowlege that you do not feel love for him anymore. 

I agree with some others.. His actions that you describe, do not show that he loves you either.

Counseling to sort out all of this is a good idea. Even if you already know where you eventually want to be, counseling can help get the first steps started.

Thank you to Prodigal to remind us that lots of us here are just lost & wanting some help to sort thru our emotions & reactions. To remind the rest of us to be kinder with our words.

Plus.. I think i posted my original just after I had posted in a thread that the wife was wanting justification to cheat on her hubby. I think I was still all riled up from that thread. Sorry I spilled it out on you. You deserved better replies than mine.


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## Nma1516 (Sep 24, 2012)

Chelle D said:


> Nma1516... I'm sorry.. I didn't mean to sound harsh.. It just really seemed like you didn't or don't want to acknowlege that you do not feel love for him anymore.
> 
> I agree with some others.. His actions that you describe, do not show that he loves you either.
> 
> ...



Chelle D, you were not harsh. You were being real and honest and I love that, hell I needed that. You're post really opened my eyes to a fact I just could never say. Thank you.


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