# Conflicted



## TwoSides (Sep 7, 2010)

I've been with my wife for 8 years. I've been married for 5. I have a beautiful 3 year old little girl who is the love of my life.

My problem is I feel like I'm going around in circles with my wife concerning our relationship.

When I met my wife she was a lot of fun. We went out together all the time. Even though she wasn't interested in a most things I am, she usually played along. Anything she ever wanted to do for her I always made it happen. I felt like I was the center of her world and she was mine. Now ... not so much.

*Background*

Me

I came from a broken family at an early age. Lived mostly with my dad. We traveled all around the country and I was exposed to a lot of different things growing up, living in many cities along the way.

I love trying new things, especially ones involving adrenaline rushes and sports. I'm always ready for the next big adventure.

Her (As seen by me of course)

She grew up in a small town, lived there her whole life and had a very strict upbringing, mostly due to her father.

She's pretty set in her ways and always thinks I need to focus on doing one thing versus the many I want to "experience".

She has a major TRUST issue. Doesn't trust me as far as she can throw me.

*Issues*

Issue 1

I like to get out with my friends every once in a while for a few hours to just talk guy type stuff. I have no family around and my two best friends are like my brothers. They're the guys who I vent to. We hang out once or twice a month late night so I can make sure I spend time with my daughter before she goes to bed. Usually 10pm - 2am going out time frame.

My wife doesn't like me doing so because of WHERE I go. I go the same 3 places, where she knows, but she doesn't trust me for some reason. I know she thinks I'm out running around but I'm not.

Issue 2

No sex. Should I explain more? I know guys like to have sex, me included but somehow my wife does not. With women it's an emotional thing, I get that. I've tried it all but I stopped even asking because I'm tired of hearing the word NO.

Issue 3

Affection. It's hard as a guy to talk about affection. But the lack of any affection in return to my own toward her is killing me the most. To me, affection shows how much your wife loves you. She says she loves me but her ACTIONS are speaking louder than her words.

Issue 4

My issue. Temptation. I thought I was going to get a divorce a few years ago and had pretty much checked out. Then my wife got pregnant. I wanted a girl or boy and I thought, stupidly, this might help us get more connected. Before I found out, I had already started talking to a few different people. One of which I had real feelings for. She was so nice and talked to me about all my problems and really CARES about me. Nothing ever happened between us and we're still friends and ONLY friends. I credit her with saving my marriage at that time. She was very objective and sided with my wife on many occasions.

Now when I go hang out with my friends or even when I'm eating or shopping, sans wife, I'm always tempted to take action on my desire to be with someone else. I feel awful about it sometimes. More like guilt.

*Current*

I've had these same issues with her for years. Nothing has changed. We went to counseling. Didn't work. Went again. Didn't work again. Went a third time this year and it felt like things were over. But here we are, like nobody wants to say the word DIVORCE. I didn't get married to her to get divorced. It just seems like we've grown apart and have nothing left in common except for our beautiful little girl.

I don't even want a divorce, BUT I want some time with my friends wherever I want to go without getting the cold shoulder the next 3 days! I want some damn affection! I work really hard and am a GREAT father. Give me a little love dammit! Is that so much to ask?

I think I'm still in here so I can spend every moment I can with my little girl. I remember what it was like growing up without my mom always around. I was heart-broken as a kid when I thought about it. I don't want her to feel like that ever.

I'm conflicted between what I want in my life and what I need to do for my daughter. It's killing me every day and it's affecting everything I do.


----------



## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Your first issue sounds like an issue my husband and I had in our first couple of years married. It caused issues number 2 and 3 for us as well.

It wasn't that I didn't want my husband to go out with his friends and have a good time. I resented it because a) I felt as though he was way more excited to spend time with his friends than go out with me (something we rarely did). He would make plans well in advance to see his friends, but he didn't make any plans to do anything with me. And when I asked if we could go somewhere, he didn't respond with the same enthusiasm he had when he planned his outtings with his friends. He would go, but he never seemed as excited and it really bummed me out. 

Besides that, I felt like I never got the opportunity to go out with my friends the way he did. Part of this was my fault because I didn't want to go out with friends as much as I wanted to be with him. I was waiting for him to enjoy my company as much as he enjoyed being out and during that time I didn't do much for myself but wait. That was my mistake.

As a result of feeling left out, jealous, and resentful of my husband's time away, I became less attracted to him. I felt used by him. He was going out and having a good time without me and expected me to have sex with him once he returned. It really wasn't an option for me. I felt like I was only there for his conveniece. When he felt like being with me, he was with me. Otherwise, he found something else to do and whatever I wanted to do was met with indifference. It hurt my feelings and caused me to not want anything to do with him. I didn't want to have sex with him or touch him because I didn't feel like he was my friend or even wanted to be.

I don't know if you engage your wife in going out and doing things she wants to do. I don't know if your wife has girls night out as often as you have guys night out. If not, that may be the root of the problem because that is what caused our problems for sure.


----------



## TwoSides (Sep 7, 2010)

Sounds exactly like us. She says the same things. When she says them at all. Mostly she doesn't talk about it.

I've tried telling her the time with the guys is just regular guy stuff. I'm excited to go out because they're my best friends. We've been friends for 20+ years. She tells me she feels left out too. But I'm with her every day of the year. What more can a man do to show dedication? I'm not an up your @ss kind of guy. Excuse the language. I've asked her to go out but it's always some excuse. Then the next time she says I never ask her. I said I'd stay home with our daughter so she can go have fun with the girls. No dice. "My friends are all happily married. Their husbands stay at home," is what I get. So it's my fault?!?!? It's turned into her way or the highway. I'm about to start asking where the exit ramp is. But I don't because of my little girl.

All I know is there's NO WAY I can live the rest of my life like this. But there's no way I can be away from my little girl either. She comes first. So I'm very conflicted as I said before.

The problem I see is with the way she PERCEIVES things are. Kind of like the way you were feeling. I deal in reality, in my situation of course. The reality is she used her perception of the way things should be in her mind to kill our connection. She perceives I'm doing wrong when I go out.

I'm not asking for much: Affection, sex and maybe a sandwich. I've gone from sadness to frustration to anger to now reading the writing on the wall. The word on the wall starts with a D and I don't like it.


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

TwoSides said:


> I want some damn affection!


It seems like you're not going to get it from your wife. You've given your wife first dibs (and second, third, etc.) on showing you affection. She declined. Does that mean you need to go through the rest of your life without someone desiring you? Wanting to kiss and hold you? That's a hell of a punishment. It's forever. Can you deal with that?

How old are you? Me, I'm old and was never good at meeting women. But I'm trying. A little flirting, a little serious discussion. That's all I can do. I just want someone to WANT to kiss me. That's all I'm really looking for. Is that asking so much? Last time I looked, we only get one crack at life. I refuse to go through the rest of mine without at least minimal amounts of passion. I'm not even looking for sex. I just want to be desired. It's been a LONG time. I'm not giving up. Neither should you. But unfortunately, I need to look for it outside of my marriage.


----------



## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

TwoSides said:


> Sounds exactly like us. She says the same things. When she says them at all. Mostly she doesn't talk about it.
> 
> I've tried telling her the time with the guys is just regular guy stuff. I'm excited to go out because they're my best friends. We've been friends for 20+ years. She tells me she feels left out too. But I'm with her every day of the year. What more can a man do to show dedication? I'm not an up your @ss kind of guy. Excuse the language. I've asked her to go out but it's always some excuse. Then the next time she says I never ask her. I said I'd stay home with our daughter so she can go have fun with the girls. No dice. "My friends are all happily married. Their husbands stay at home," is what I get. So it's my fault?!?!? It's turned into her way or the highway. I'm about to start asking where the exit ramp is. But I don't because of my little girl.
> 
> ...



Twosides - Perception IS reality. The way she sees the situation is the way it is to her. Period. You can talk all day long about how she shouldn't feel the way she does, but the fact of the matter is that is the way she feels and you can't change that by trying to convince her not to feel that way.

You say you've asked her out, but you don't seem to have the same enthusiasm about it as going out with your friends. In fact, you seem to have more vigor when talking about your friends here than your wife. That's not good and believe me she feels that. She feels like you prioritize your social life over her. That doesn't feel good. The reason why she doesn't want to go out with her friends is because she wants to go out with YOU. She wants to spend time with you. To say that you see her everyday and you aren't the "up your butt" kind of guy is insulting. She got married to be with you. To have experiences WITH you, not just watch you have fun while she sits on the sidelines waiting for you to consider her. It's not fair. 

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying you shouldn't have guy time. I absolutely think you should. I also think your wife should take time for herself and get one of her girlfriends to go out to the movies with her or something. There is nothing wrong with that and it's very healthy for a relationship.

What I don't agree with is the attitude that your friends are more important than your wife. You're giving off the impression that you'd rather spend time with them than you would with her. That being with her is boring and being with your friends is fun. How do you think that makes her feel? Would you want to hug someone who thought you were boring? I can tell you right now she does not want to have sex with someone who only finds her interesting enough to have sex with. You're turning her off with your indifference to her feelings. 

You can divorce her if you want, but I suggest you don't get married again. There won't be many women out there who are willing to wait on the sidelines for their husbands to give them some attention.


----------



## TwoSides (Sep 7, 2010)

@themrs,

DID YOU EVEN READ MY POST?

Reality is Reality. Just because you perceive something one way doesn't mean it's true. A long time ago people perceived the world was flat. We all know now it is round. What she and apparently you like to do is perceive what you want and make it your own reality. When in most cases your perceived reality is flawed.

I think you misunderstand what I said about my friends. I prioritize my family including her for years. I still do! I gave up a lot of things for this marriage. Which I should have ... to a point. Seeing my friends for a total of roughly 8 hours PER MONTH shouldn't be a big freaking deal!

Saying I should never get married again sounds like someone trying to judge someone. I get enough of that at home. But you do sound like my wife, so it makes sense.


----------



## TwoSides (Sep 7, 2010)

@MrK,

Age doesn't mean anything. I'm in my upper 30s. It's all attitude. If you convey a bad attitude or demeanor, you'll get no results in return. You have to put yourself in situations to succeed. Whatever age you are, make yourself available, don't go looking for it or you'll never find it. It's too much pressure to put on yourself. It just happens like they say. I know an 80 year old man who found a new love just by going out and having a good time ... living life.

It's true that we only live once. Make it count every day.


----------



## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

TwoSides said:


> @themrs,
> 
> DID YOU EVEN READ MY POST?
> 
> ...


I'm not judging you at all. I'm just responding to your post in the best way I know how. Even if you don't go out with your friends that much, it's the general feeling that you'd rather be somewhere else than be with them that permeates the time you're with your family. 

I did read your post and I stand by what I said. Have you never heard that perception is reality? What you perceive and what your wife perceives are two totally different things in the same reality. You both have different perceptions of the same reality and neither one of you is wrong. You are just looking at it from different points of view. 

The problem I see you have is that you can not accept that what your wife is saying is HER reality. Even if you don't perceive it that way, she does. She isn't making things up. What do you think she's trying to do? Control you? Stop you from being yourself? No. She's trying to get you to be more involved and more interested in her. That's all. I don't think it's too much to ask just as you don't think a little loving is too much to ask. 

Someone has to make the first move. Do you think if she gave you more sex you'd pay her more attention outside the bedroom? Do you think if she hugged you more you would engage in more meaningful conversation with her? You want sex and she wants you to be her friend. Someone is going to have to go first.


----------



## TwoSides (Sep 7, 2010)

I have tried!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've initiated all the affection in my house for the last 4 years! Do you think I'd be posting in a forum of strangers if I didn't care about my relationship?!?!? Looking for answers here. Trying every possible avenue!


----------



## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

TwoSides said:


> I have tried!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've initiated all the affection in my house for the last 4 years! Do you think I'd be posting in a forum of strangers if I didn't care about my relationship?!?!? Looking for answers here. Trying every possible avenue!


I believe you. Before my husband and I resolved this same issue, he said he was trying as well but of course I had a different perspective on his attempts. 

All of his "trying" seemed like he was just trying to have sex. When I used to ask him to go out with me and the kids to a diner or something, it was met with a general disdain. I'm not saying you do this, but this is what my husband used to do to me. We got into a huge arguement about it one day and he actually yelled at me that being with me and the kids felt like "work". That is exactly what he said. He's ashamed of saying that now, but he will admit that when we first got married he gernerally acted like a bystander in our family. He wasn't engaging at all, just going through the motions.

Your wife may feel like the only reason you try to engage her is to have sex with her. This is a turn off. Women want to feel like you just want them for them. It's not wrong that you want to have sex with your wife. It's completely reasonable. I'm just explaining how you may be turning her off by using your "trying" as a means to an end. 

If I were you, I'd ask her to do something that you know she likes to do. Maybe even tell her that you were thinking about going out with the guys, but you would RATHER stay home and do XYZ with her. My husband did this, and he started planning family trips for us to take and it totally made me feel like he wanted to be part of our family. It was attractive to me and I responded in kind. I still do.

But trust me it was a HUGE hurtle for us to get over. We were at a stalemate, neither one wanting to make the first move. It was a rough time but we got through it and I think you guys can too.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Twosides,
With all due respect, I think themrs is on to something here. The world is flat because it is scientific fact. Your wife's feelings are not fact, therefore her reality. Science is one thing, feelings are another.
In YOUR reality you are doing everything to make this marriage work. In HER reality she thinks that other things/people are more important. 
Feelings aren't fact. Each person has their own reality. 
I can understand and feel your pain. You are beating your head against a wall and the only result is pain. 
What about telling your wife I have dinner booked at such and such time, you need to be ready by such and such time and take her out for an evening of reconnecting? Make this a weekly or monthly thing. Show her your excitement over this, the same way you get excited over spending time with your friends.


----------

