# How do you stay in a marriage when your heart is broken?



## nala21 (Apr 7, 2011)

I'm married to a man who is a fantasctic father, businessman, friend, and partner. However, "we" aren't fantastic. I suspect if he was married to another woman, they may be great together. The problem in our marraige is that we don't have anything between us but our kids, work, and "roommate" lifestyle. I've told him over the last 10 years how he is not loving me the way I would like him to. He is not affectionate. HE NEVER initiates sex. He can go months without it. And when we do have sex, it's always about him. He usually just lays back and expects me to "get him there". And because I have a higher sex drive, I usually cave because it's at least something vs nothing. Then I hate myself afterwards and I usually roll over and cry myself to sleep. This cycle just does not seem like it will ever end. I feel like we are roommates raising children and being best friends. I feel like I only have 1 life and why should I waste it being sad and lonely all the time. But I can't bare the thought of hurting our kids. I love EVERYTHING about him. I praise him all the time. I tell him how sexy he is. I tell him how much I love him, I wait on him, take care of him. I tell him that when I look at him, I still get butterflies in my stomach. When I say all these things to him (which I feel that most men would kill to hear from their wives) he just smiles and takes it in. But NOT ONCE has he ever said these things to me. I feel pathetic, lonely, trapped. I just want to be happy. I wish he would make the effort to be the one who makes me happy.

So how do you know if you should stay or give and find what you need?


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Stop saying those things to him and leave. Set new boundaries about what you are willing to put up with. Not for him but for yourself. 

You do deserve better and should not stay in a marriage like that.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

"This cycle just seems like it will never end."

It more than likely will not just end unless he does a complete turn around and see how this is effecting you and your relationship, OR unless you leave. 

If you feel you deserve better, then you probably do.


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## samjin (Feb 28, 2011)

Look at the 80% that is right with your marriage and not the 20% that is not good. If you focus on the 20% and leave you will destroy the 80% that was right and the grass may not be greener on the other side. It will also affect your kids and husband. Can you go for counselling and talk to your husband regarding your issues. I would advise you to improve the situation rather than quit and run!!


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

samjin said:


> Look at the 80% that is right with your marriage and not the 20% that is not good. If you focus on the 20% and leave you will destroy the 80% that was right and the grass may not be greener on the other side. It will also affect your kids and husband. Can you go for counselling and talk to your husband regarding your issues. I would advise you to improve the situation rather than quit and run!!


I believe counseling is a good way to start, however its not just up to her to "improve" the marriage, her husband is going to need to meet her half way if he wants things to work as well. Its not all about one person doing all the work to try and save something.


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## Snooring (Mar 10, 2011)

nala21

Stop doing what you are doing. He will feel it and come back to you


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## Heinz Doofenshmirtz (Apr 12, 2011)

Nala, wow... I can identify so much with your situation... I am pretty much in exactly the same place with my wife. She just doesn't do anything at all to show me that she loves me and values me for who I am and what I do for her, and I sacrifice so much for her, do all I can for her to show her how much I love her and want to be with her, and how attracted to her I am, but yet it hasn't changed much of anything.

And I too am leading essentially parallel lives with my wife... with the exception of household business, taking care of the kids, and the like, we have basically no relationship, social, personal, or sexual. 

I also have two kids with my wife, and cannot stand the thought of how my leaving my wife would affect them, particularly my 2 year old daughter, who continually amazes me, every single day, with how much she loves me and relies on me and looks up to me... 

So here is how I have been coping with my situation; hopefully it will be helpful to you.

1) I have changed my behavior toward my wife in terms of my expressions of affection, attraction, etc. It IS painful to not do so, but it is MORE painful to me to receive little if any response to those expressions. In the last year or so since I have done that, it HAS changed the way she views our relationship, at the very least she's noticed that I don't do those things anymore... she has said she misses them, even though I still haven't seen evidence of it in her behavior. I'm hoping that it will eventually be a motivation for her to be more mindful and considerate of the role her behavior plays in our relationship.

2) I moved all my clothes and personal belongings into the spare room I had been using as an office, and claimed it as 'my room'. I have a bed, my desk, etc. all there and it is MY space. I have been sleeping separately from her for a full year now. What this does for me is alleviate the pain I feel from having to lay next to her and wanting to be close to her, be affectionate and intimate with her, but yet have those desires be constantly rejected and rebuffed by her. I feel more comfortable in my own home now that I have my own space that she has become hesitant to enter, and has become more respectful of and now knocks at my door and asks me if it's okay if she comes in.

3) I joined a local gym within walking distance of my house, and I exercise and work out three or four times a week, more often if I can. I'm also watching my diet, counting my calories, and doing my very best to stick to a food budget and eat healthier. In the past 6 weeks I've lost 6 lbs. and am feeling stronger and more fit. I am already feeling the benefits of the dieting and exercise when I'm out walking my daughter in her stroller, taking her to the park, and when I'm doing things with my son like Boy Scout activities, yard work, and so on. The exercise itself is a fantastic stress reliever.

4) Spending more time with my kids with just them and me, and not also with my wife. I'm focusing on them more and more and taking the time to be available for them, support and help and care for them, give them my attention and time, and do whatever I can to show them how much I love them and how important they are to me. The love I get back from them in return does help me feel better... of course it certainly can't take the place of what I wish I had with my wife, but it does help take my mind off that, and give me something positive in my life that gives me happiness and is satisfying to me.

5) Do personal psychotherapy to work on my own issues and to try and become a better person. I am working hard to not be disrespectful, angry, inconsiderate, or selfish toward my wife in the things I have done to cope with the lack of love in our relationship. I am working on my own emotional and personal issues that keep me from being productive, working hard, emotionally available, forgiving, and so on, as well as working on my own personal fears, insecurities, and so on, in my personal therapy.

6) Started seeing a psychiatrist and taking anti-depressant and adult attention deficit disorder medications to help me cope with the depression I've been having for the last few years because of my deteriorated relationship, and to help me concentrate more and work harder and be more productive in my job and my life overall.

In short, I am doing everything I can to take care of myself emotionally and psychologically and physically... I am keeping the focus on myself to improve myself and become a better person. I am doing all I can to be a better dad to my son and daughter, and to bolster their own senses of self esteem and their self image and self value by giving them all the love I can the best way I know how. My ultimate hope is that my wife will see what I'm doing and realize that I am someone who has a lot to offer her and that she'll realize that unless she starts changing the way she relates to me we're going to continue to drift further apart and eventually I'll be gone and I won't be an emotional, psychological, physical, or financial basket case because of the situation of our relationship.

Hope this helps.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I wouldn't short change the 'best friends' aspect of it. My wife and I have been antagonistic roommates for years. In fact if we really were roommates one of us would be kicked out.


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## nynaeve3 (Apr 12, 2011)

Does he know how you feel? Does he know that you feel that you express more affection than he does and that you want/need more/some from him? I would strongly suggest marriage guidance/counselling before all else.


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## chantiq72 (Apr 1, 2011)

nala21 said:


> He is not affectionate. HE NEVER initiates sex. He can go months without it. And when we do have sex, it's always about him. He usually just lays back and expects me to "get him there". And because I have a higher sex drive, I usually cave because it's at least something vs nothing. Then I hate myself afterwards and I usually roll over and cry myself to sleep.


When I read "Roll over and cry myself to sleep" I was stunned. I'm in the similar situation. It feel like I was the one who write it. I'm interested to know how other people think about this, and wondering how to handle this kind of situation.

I can't give you any advise at all, and probably getting a divorce is not the answer that you and I looking for. I wish I can just leave him, but it's not that easy. I'm already on the stage of changing the way I treat him, but it seems that he didn't even notice at all, and I don't think he even aware that we have a problem in our marriage. 

I don't know what to do, my positive thought is probably that just the way he is. That's what keep me going for awhile

Good luck nala21!


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## Resolver (Mar 14, 2011)

I'm in a similar situation as well. My husband and I have been together for 11 years and the last year as been the hardest of my life.

A crazy chick came on to him and when he turned her down she lied to me and said they were having an affair. Regardless of how crazy and jealous she was it still made me lose my trust in him. Things were rocky but getting better and then all of a sudden he makes friends with a couple, starts partying with them all the time, running to their house every time we argue and constantly dotes on the female. Since he's been friends with them he's totally disregarded my feelings, our sex life, and has been showing her far more regard than he has me. He used to be my best friend and lately I feel like he's only with me so I can pay his bills.
I've tried everything, just like Heinz to no avail. 
I have tried to get him to leave and he won't. I don't want to leave because I pay for all the bills and our 4 year old son doesn't deserve to be uprooted and confused.
I don't know what else to do...my heart is completely broken.


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## harley (Apr 14, 2011)

nala21 said:


> I'm married to a man who is a fantasctic father, businessman, friend, and partner. However, "we" aren't fantastic. I suspect if he was married to another woman, they may be great together. The problem in our marraige is that we don't have anything between us but our kids, work, and "roommate" lifestyle. I've told him over the last 10 years how he is not loving me the way I would like him to. He is not affectionate. HE NEVER initiates sex. He can go months without it. And when we do have sex, it's always about him. He usually just lays back and expects me to "get him there". And because I have a higher sex drive, I usually cave because it's at least something vs nothing. Then I hate myself afterwards and I usually roll over and cry myself to sleep. This cycle just does not seem like it will ever end. I feel like we are roommates raising children and being best friends. I feel like I only have 1 life and why should I waste it being sad and lonely all the time. But I can't bare the thought of hurting our kids. I love EVERYTHING about him. I praise him all the time. I tell him how sexy he is. I tell him how much I love him, I wait on him, take care of him. I tell him that when I look at him, I still get butterflies in my stomach. When I say all these things to him (which I feel that most men would kill to hear from their wives) he just smiles and takes it in. But NOT ONCE has he ever said these things to me. I feel pathetic, lonely, trapped. I just want to be happy. I wish he would make the effort to be the one who makes me happy.
> 
> So how do you know if you should stay or give and find what you need?


I do not know how old your husband is, but he should be checked out by a doctor. He may be suffering from a hormone imbalance such as a low testosterone level. You should also tell him you are unhappy and that you would like to seek marriage counseling. Do not just live like this, but do not rush into a divorce. I have had the same issue with my wife. I just gave up a couple of years ago and thought this is the way were going to live. I did not want to loose the ability to see my kids everyday. This backfired. My wife recently told me she is unhappy and wants a divorce. She says there is no passion or romance in our relationship anymore and that she is not in love with me anymore. Since I did not feel loved I guess I quite showing her the love she needed. Talk to your husband now try to let him know that you do not think less of him, but you think he needs to talk to a doctor. It sounds like your husband loves you, and he may not know himself why he does not have a normal sex drive. Address the issue now so it does not end up like mine.


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## Ser Pounce-A-Lot (Apr 7, 2011)

nala21 said:


> I'm married to a man who is a fantasctic father, businessman, friend, and partner. However, "we" aren't fantastic. I suspect if he was married to another woman, they may be great together. The problem in our marraige is that we don't have anything between us but our kids, work, and "roommate" lifestyle. I've told him over the last 10 years how he is not loving me the way I would like him to. He is not affectionate. HE NEVER initiates sex. He can go months without it. And when we do have sex, it's always about him. He usually just lays back and expects me to "get him there". And because I have a higher sex drive, I usually cave because it's at least something vs nothing. Then I hate myself afterwards and I usually roll over and cry myself to sleep. This cycle just does not seem like it will ever end. I feel like we are roommates raising children and being best friends. I feel like I only have 1 life and why should I waste it being sad and lonely all the time. But I can't bare the thought of hurting our kids. I love EVERYTHING about him. I praise him all the time. I tell him how sexy he is. I tell him how much I love him, I wait on him, take care of him. I tell him that when I look at him, I still get butterflies in my stomach. When I say all these things to him (which I feel that most men would kill to hear from their wives) he just smiles and takes it in. But NOT ONCE has he ever said these things to me. I feel pathetic, lonely, trapped. I just want to be happy. I wish he would make the effort to be the one who makes me happy.
> 
> So how do you know if you should stay or give and find what you need?


Hi Nala,

Have you ever asked him what HIS needs are? You seem to have told him what your needs are but do you know what his are? Perhaps you think you know what they are but in reality they may be something different. Try writing a letter calming asking him what you could change about yourself or what he needs that you could provide. I think you'll find that they might change your situation. Once you fulfill his needs, he will be inspired to meet yours.

Also, every person is unique and just because he is male doesn't mean that he will respond like other males would in the same situation.

I hope that is somewhat helpful


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## akcroy (Dec 23, 2010)

Boy.. deja vu!


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## Hannah (Apr 14, 2011)

nala21 said:


> I'm married to a man who is a fantasctic father, businessman, friend, and partner. However, "we" aren't fantastic. I suspect if he was married to another woman, they may be great together. The problem in our marraige is that we don't have anything between us but our kids, work, and "roommate" lifestyle. I've told him over the last 10 years how he is not loving me the way I would like him to. He is not affectionate. HE NEVER initiates sex. He can go months without it. And when we do have sex, it's always about him. He usually just lays back and expects me to "get him there". And because I have a higher sex drive, I usually cave because it's at least something vs nothing. Then I hate myself afterwards and I usually roll over and cry myself to sleep. This cycle just does not seem like it will ever end. I feel like we are roommates raising children and being best friends. I feel like I only have 1 life and why should I waste it being sad and lonely all the time. But I can't bare the thought of hurting our kids. I love EVERYTHING about him. I praise him all the time. I tell him how sexy he is. I tell him how much I love him, I wait on him, take care of him. I tell him that when I look at him, I still get butterflies in my stomach. When I say all these things to him (which I feel that most men would kill to hear from their wives) he just smiles and takes it in. But NOT ONCE has he ever said these things to me. I feel pathetic, lonely, trapped. I just want to be happy. I wish he would make the effort to be the one who makes me happy.
> 
> So how do you know if you should stay or give and find what you need?


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## Hannah (Apr 14, 2011)

You are telling my story only we have no children and we have been together 20 years. Its been over 2 years since we have been intimate. I dont know what to do but I do know I am not happy


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## Ser Pounce-A-Lot (Apr 7, 2011)

Hannah said:


> You are telling my story only we have no children and we have been together 20 years. Its been over 2 years since we have been intimate. I dont know what to do but I do know I am not happy


There seem to be alot of people who have this intimacy problem. From my experience and from what I've learned, sexual intimacy and emotional intimacy go hand-in-hand. If you want to improve your sex life, try working on the emotional side of your relationship. If you understand your partners emotional needs, it is likely that sexual needs will flow on from that.

Hope that helps. If you need more professional help, I'd suggest going here -> Sexless Marriage

I'm also happy to answer any questions you might have, if you wish


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