# need to understand the man I married



## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

hoping to get some men's opinions on this, 
I have been married for 22 years, my husband decided he didn't love me and as a result of that decision had an affair, I found out in Nov. 
he said he wanted to end our marriage and figure out what he felt for the OW.
we did the separation agreement, I went to the bank settled the bank accounts and now all is left is for him to move out.
last night he says he doesn't know what he feels anymore and says that if he moves out we will be finished.
he has asked for some time to figure out if he can get his feelings back for me.....
he says he no longer feels sure that he wants to leave our marriage.
can he fall back in love with me? he says he hasn't had anything to do with the OW except for work related things.
he told her he doesn't know if he can lose his family.
not really sure what is going on with him now, he has told everyone is is leaving me because he doesn't love me anymore.
he isn't looking for alternate housing as of yet, and he crys when we speak of him leaving....
guys what is he really saying here, he seems to want to try to work things out, but can't say he loves me. 
and he does speak about life without me.
I really don't know what he wants, when I push for him to leave he doesn't, when I ask where his feelings for me are at he can't give me an answer, I asked if he wanted to speak to a professional he said no, he just says he wished he was in love with me and he hopes he can get back there, 
This is all without even discussing whether I'm on board with all this......
What should I do, I wasn't the one to want to end the marriage, but what the hell is going on here, I did what he wanted to end this, now he is the one dragging his feet....without any real answers.......is there anything I can do other than to give him time........so confusing....


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## SafetyTool (Feb 2, 2010)

Don't ask a man what to do, ask a woman. I have been there - if he won't love you then love yourself. Stop worrying about all the BS he is putting on your plate. Go get yourself involved in a club, join a gym, go to pilates, travel, get a dog and start walking. Get out, get a life, learn to be independent. Don't worry if he "starts to love you" again. That will make you crazy and you need to be healthy. He isn't making you healthy so the only one to make you healthy is going to be you. I am speaking from experience here, I know your pain. You need to love you.


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## dwaynewilliams (Feb 1, 2010)

The truth is that he still loves you. But it sounds like he is going through some things personally and doesn't know how to express them and work them out with you. That's where the other woman came into play. But I will tell you one thing, married men who have been married for a long time usually cherish their wives. Even if they do stupid things or hurt you, they will always care for you. I believe that he really doesn't want to leave, but he also doesn't know how to work things out with you either. The other woman was just a distraction to an already confused man. The only real question though is if you can forgive him and work it out? Talk to him some more about what he is expecting from the relationship and how he plans to change things. Give him some time with this because men sometimes aren't so articulate about their true feelings.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RivaSoul (Feb 2, 2010)

He put you through Hell with his request for a divorce, he emotionally took you around the bend, and now because he can not go through with it (OR WHATEVER THE REAL REASON), he decides he wants to stay and is emotionally blackmailing you.

You need to stand firm on this.

And I agree completely with SafetyTool 

"Go get yourself involved in a club, join a gym, go to pilates, travel, get a dog and start walking. Get out, get a life, learn to be independent. Don't worry if he "starts to love you" again. That will make you crazy and you need to be healthy. He isn't making you healthy so the only one to make you healthy is going to be you."


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

What do you want?

Do you feel like you have an awareness of what was missing between the two of you?

Does he? Can he articulate it?

He's a mess. Don't hitch your wagon to a mess. If he moves out it's over? This much is crystal clear, and despite the fact that it won't ease your anguish, you need to keep it in mind; right now, he has no idea what he wants. He is functioning off of raw emotion. He has the common sense of a 4 year old. You cannot trust that his passion today, won't be resentment tomorrow.

He needs to square that sh!t away. 

And while he's doing that, as others have said, and you can find any number of examples on these boards, myself included; take care of yourself. Be selfish - in the positive healthy kind of way.Taking care of yourself may mean that you need to ask him to follow through with his plan. If he insists that moving out means the end of the marriage, then he obviously isn't terribly invested in saving it, is he?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you want to stay married, tell him you will let him stay IF:
He writes a No Contact letter to the OW and YOU read it and send it to her.
He gets a polygraph this week to prove he is no longer contacting her.
He asks for a transfer so he is no longer working with OW (the affair will keep 're-starting' every time he has to deal with her at work), and shows you proof of asking for the transfer.
He gives you all his passwords to phone, computer, etc.
He never goes anywhere without letting you know where he is; you may want to insist on a GPS in his car.
He participates in marriage counseling with you for at least a year.

IF he is truly remorseful, he will agree to this. If he refuses, you have your answer, and he needs to leave; if he stays and has no humility he will just find another affair.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hey thanks everyone, 
I agree with what has been said, we had a discussion last night and we have agreed to giving him until the end of March to figure things out in his mind. A little time and then we can discuss the situation. I told him this is up to him to figure out that I was already at a place of acceptance that the marriage cannot stand like it is....I have accepted my faults in the marriage and understand how we have gotten to the place we are at.
I told him he should consider moving out and really figuring out what he really wants, whatever and whoever that is..
Hey guys I am a very independent woman, I play vollleyball, I go to pilates and a stretching class...I'm a walker and I have a golf holiday planned with my girlfriends in March.....
I'm not just sitting around waiting for him to pick me, I'm worth more than that, I have told him I don't play 2nd fiddle to anyone else.
Life goes on for me as always, it's him that seems to have changed how he does things, he has stopped going out with his friends. I think he has regretted the decisions he has made and the things he has said but we are adults here and we must own our actions. I think he is put off because I have just accepted the facts and have moved on....
I told him last night, to many unanswered questions for me, to many maybes.....I told him if he solves all the problems that face us at this point because of his decisions then I would consider working on what was wrong in the marriage for both of us.....
In the meantime living my life and looking forward to what the future now holds for me....


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You're good. You'll do just fine. :smthumbup:


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## iWonder (Jan 2, 2010)

I guess I may have a different perspective than some of the other comments. I suspect right now he is not really feeling in love with you - but wishes he did. After 22 years you have a life together that is obviously intertwined and the only life you/he knows. Since you don't indicate fighting, abuse etc. it is probably very comfortable. What solid family man wants to give that up? I think he is probably trying very hard to be in love with you so you can both/all be happy again. You seem to believe (on your own or convinced by him?) that his feelings for you lead to the affair, not that lust for an OW first drove you apart. 
I can see how any woman getting the treatment and fallout you are getting is justified in being angry, disgusted, feel he is a jerk and want to throw him out. But something in your tone and narrative makes me think he may really be disappointed, frustrated and angry with himself that he feels like this at this stage of your lives.
In case you can't tell, I am struggling with some of these feelings myself (there is NOT an OW). So far it is my secret because I don't want to put my wife through it, and I am hoping I will get past it. While I am not happy, I don't want to be a cheater, or one of those guys that leaves his wife for no apparent reason. ....I just don't know how to get back to the 'way it was before', and I am thinking he doesn't either.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

thanks Iwonder, 

I think what you say is very true...
Somewhere in the last couple of years my husband said he stopped loving me and became very distant....
I tried to talk to him and I always told him I didn't want to separate or divorce and that I wanted to work things out....
He just wouldn't talk or try......I didn't know then how he really felt.
Our lives have been very comfortable over the years, doing many things together with our boys.....just not connecting very well as a couple.....
He says he loves me but not in love with me. The affair was with one of the girls in his office, 3-4 months....I think he regrets this move. He says what he believes today and what he believed back then about me and our relationship is different now....
He said he was convinced we were over.
We have talked and talked and probably understand each other better today than we have in the last couple.
But how can you have a marriage without love? Can you get that feeling back? How?
I am a very up front kind of woman with my feelings, he knows how I feel about all the parts of this situation. I think he is disappointed with himself and his actions, he is a good catholic man and I know having others know this and his children must be eating him up.....I have made it easy for him to just walk away like he says he wanted to.....so I think he is now faced with making sure this is what he wants.......22 years is a long time to give up.....he always said that I was the feelings person and that he never really thought it was as important as I did, now he says he is all about the emotional part of things and is struggling with his feelings......
Iwonder, I feel for you and I'm glad you are being a responsible man and not just going to the OW(that is a painful thing to learn about) and it's pointless to hurt your wife like that.....
Love is all about being grateful for the person that is in your life, think long and hard about checking out.....work on loving her like she wasn't going to be in your life anymore and see if you can't change things.....I wasn't exactly trying very hard either, I see that now and I have taken responsibility for that.....I regret that now that I'm separating......don't be in my boat......you sound like a good guy that just needs to get back where you belong.....1 person can change things........get the book the 5 languages of love and work on that see if you can change things with the 2 of you......read it together.......connect with her......


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you read about affairs, you'd know that the person having the affair rewrites history. They ALL say they haven't loved you for years, they were living a lie. ALL of them. That is their moral code whitewashing what they've done, so that they can live with themselves - since the marriage was a sham, it's not so bad that they cheated, you know?

So first, IGNORE everything he says about whether he was happy or not. His own brain is confusing him.

Second, when they say they don't know if they'd ever love you again, remember that they ALL say that. It's called a script for a reason. All affairees say it. They all think the same thing. It's that rewriting again. 

If you want to stay married, don't make a separation or a divorce easy. The best thing you can do is keep him in the same house, and become the most amazing wife in the world for the next few months. Don't worry about him making YOU happy for awhile, just concentrate on not Love Busting him and on meeting all of his top needs. Make him realize that his best chance for happiness is right there with you.

Did he agree to no contact? Do you have access to his passwords? What is he doing about the affair?


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Tunera,

as far as no contact goes, my husband said that when I found out about the affair, he stopped all contact with her except on a business standpoint. He does seem like he is telling the truth with that, he is home right after work, comes home at lunch now. He is not going out at night at all not even with his friends, he is home every weekend, spending all his time at home......he tells me it's not about whether it's me or her it's about how he feels about me, I have done what you have said, I've been the safe place for him to be, I'm not doing anything to annoy him or remind him of how we were before all this happened....I have told him that I own my responsibility in all that and that i don't intend to continue with any of that.....
I have told him i will give him some time to figure out what he wants, this has stopped his search for a new place to live.
We are getting along so it's not a hard thing to have him around.....it's just weird, we have taken care of all the legal things, told everyone and now he seems to want to stall the final stage(him moving out).
He says that I am owning what I did and I am making the changes that I need to. 
I still see someone who doesn't love me and someone who is very confused by what he has done and by the feelings he now is left with.....
I guess time will tell just not sure how much time I should give him or just not put any kind of time line on it.....


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you checked to see if he's still in contact? When caught, people will either stop contact, or hide it better and lie to you.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Tunera,

You might be right, I don't know for sure.
All I know are the facts, he doesn't know what he wants and he still says he doesn't know how he feels about me or the OW.
He doesn't seem willing to give her up to work on our marriage so I don't see any hope for us.
He needs to figure out what it is he needs in life and maybe it's best he does that away from me.
It's to hard to keep wishing things were different. 
I've tried to be understanding and I've accepted my fault in what went wrong in the marriage but I honestly think it's to late, he is to far gone now...
He knows he doesn't love me and he told me he couldn't have had the affair if he didn't feel that way, so I am going to accept that truth and let him go....he will have to deal with whatever that is for him. He seems confused right now, maybe he will be clearer when he goes and explores life with the OW.
He is no good to me when he has feelings for her.....and there is no way he can even think he could love me again with feelings for her in the back of his heart.
Just the way it is, even though that is painful for me.
I think it's time I just tell him that even though he is confused I can't do this anymore.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's why I said you need to know if he IS still contacting her. Because if he is, you need to contact his company and tell them (HR, VP and P) that there is a workplace affair going on, and they need to do something about it before it becomes a legal issue for the company.

If you do this, and he is no longer seeing her every day at work, he CAN improve. The fog CAN clear from his addicted brain, and the truth will become clearer - their relationship was based on lies, and YOU have been there for him all along.

But that will never happen as long as he keeps seeing her every day.

IMO, you don't have a marriage right now. You have a sham. So you may as well put your foot down about what you're willing to accept - ONE of them has to quit their job, or you're kicking him out. You have to have all his passwords and have access to his phone whenever you want it. He doesn't go anywhere without you or where you don't approve. If he's not willing to agree to this, he is NOT remorseful - he just got caught. And you have to protect yourself from THAT man by leaving him.



> He knows he doesn't love me and he told me he couldn't have had the affair if he didn't feel that way, so I am going to accept that truth and let him go


I'm trying to tell you that this is BS. He DOES love you, his addiction is pushing him to keep the adrenaline coming and so his subconscious buries his love so he doesn't feel so bad. If you're ready to leave him anyway, why not do what I suggest and try to stop the affair? What have you got to lose?


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

tunera
hey thanks for all the replies. My husband in the boss he is a lawyer and the OW is one of his law clerks, he says he can't get rid of her without it costing a huge amount of$$$.
I told him today that I am finished with him and all his BS, I said if you didn't/don't love me and you have feelings for the other woman that he has to get out, we have an agreement already saying he will leave and find a new place.
I told him the whole thing is just to painful for me any longer and that he should just follow through with his original plan.....
He stormed out, I have drawn the line in the sand and I'm prepared for whatever that is from here on.
I don't deserve this and if he doesn't want to be married to me anymore than so be it.


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## iWonder (Jan 2, 2010)

I think you have probably done the right thing. Although I think he is truly confused, something has to change to force him to have some clarity.

For what it is worth, I think there is a very good chance it is not going to work out with the OW. Their relationship was built on a boss-employee situation. Even in the best professional conduct, there is an inherent subservient aspect to her role as a law clerk. She supports and assists him with everything he wants and needs all day long. Add to it that she is probably younger than him and .....who wouldn't find that appealing? - a younger woman doting on you all day.
Once they are outside of the office he may find that is not her personality and isn't interested.

Good luck. You sound like a strong person and I am sure you will do well.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You may want to consider what marriagebuilders.com calls a Plan B. It means that you give him a love letter, in which you tell him under what circumstances you would ever accept him back (access to all his passwords, GPS in his car, No Contact letter that he writes and YOU send to OW, etc.). You tell him you love him, but it hurts too much to see him doing this, and that you never want to have contact with him again, unless he's ready to agree to your conditions. The point of this is (1) stop you from having to know about his affair and let it hurt you and (2) show him your backbone. Plus, by YOU not being around to meet any of his needs, his OW is now forced to be the person who meets all his needs. And we all know that OW/OM do not WANT to meet all their needs - they just want to have fun. What happens when he gets the flu? Think she'll want to baby him like you always did? Once he gets to see that she isn't 'all that,' he'll start to miss all the stuff you did for him. Plan B isn't a guarantee to get him back, but it's a good bet, PLUS it removes YOU from the pain of daily interaction.


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