# It's over after 20 years



## imdistraught (Mar 22, 2013)

5 days ago the man I have loved with all my heart for 20 years told me he does not love me and has decided he wants a divorce. He says he cares about my wellbeing but has no romantic or loving feelings towards me at all. We had some struggles a year and a half ago but went to counseling and we were on our way to recovery. At least I thought so. It turns out he never really dealt with the issues that came up before. And has been dealing with all these bad feelings and resentment towards me ever since. He has been faking his way through for months. He's tormented inside and just can't take it anymore. He refuses to go to counseling even on his own. He has taken off his wedding ring. I'm devastated. My Bday was less that two mo ago and he posted on my FB page "Happy Birthday to my loving wife. I love you more than you know. You are my soulmate". He has no explanation other than he's been miserable for months. My life as I know it has ended and I'm so distraught over this and don't know what to do.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I'm so sorry. I was married almost 25 years (this year) & my H left right after the new year. I understand this is a lifechanging event & it pretty much completely turns your world as you know it upside down. I know you don't believe this now but it will slowly get better. I'm almost at 3 months since it happened to me and I'm slowly moving forward. You didn't say - are there any children involved?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Distraught

Do you know the real reason or reasons why he no longer wants to be married to you?

HM64


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Wow. That's extremely heavy. You'd think that after someone's invested 20 years, you'd be home-free. Just...wow.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> Wow. That's extremely heavy. You'd think that after someone's invested 20 years, you'd be home-free. Just...wow.


You would think that but I'm finding out more & more its not always so. Mine left because he wasn't happy & found OW


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## imdistraught (Mar 22, 2013)

We never had children together but I have a stepdaughter that is 23 from his brief marriage right out of high school and she has two boys that are 4 and 2. So now I have two grandbabies that I'm also losing also. He gives me no other reason that he's not happy. This all came up 2 years ago also. He got into a close friendship with a co-worker. He ended that and we went to counseling then and I thought we were moving forward. I forgave him for that but apparently he did not forgive me for my past behavior that drove him to her in the first place.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

So sorry for your pain. My marriage is ending after 27 years, 35 together. You definitely go through a shock over this drastic change in you life, but as others have said, with time, the searing pain gets better. Just remember to breath. Do it every day. Get out of bed and brush your teeth. Every day. Do things to keep your self busy. I've been working on the house. Every stupid project he refused to do is getting done, and by me! The nights are still hard-I won't lie to you. But try to remember that you deserve to be with someone who loves you for the person you are.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I'm not sure what he would be resenting you for but understand its normal to immediately blame yourself especially when there is no clear answer - I did that - but on further examination - I started to realize that there were 2 of us in this marriage & we both were to blame for the breakdown ( he was 100% to blame for the actions he took)

I know this is a hard question but are you sure he cut ties with this co worker?

Also how is your relationship with your stepdaughter?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

smallsteps said:


> You would think that but I'm finding out more & more its not always so. Mine left because he wasn't happy & found OW


Nothing convinces people that their marriage is awful quite like finding someone new. A marriage works for 20 years but enter Miss Thang and suddenly it's just all been a heinous mistake. 
It's like the car you cherished and that had faithfully carried you for 20 years suddenly becomes a piece of worthless junk if someone hands you the keys to something new and flashy.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

You are right unbelievable - but I would like to believe in the end it will be his loss. The one time I saw him about a month ago he didn't look so good - you would think for someone who got what he wanted he would look great - then this past weekend I had to speak to him about a financial issue & he started telling me about this virus hes had for 2 weeks that he cant get rid of. That didn't go on when he lived here.

Oh and your new car analogy was spot on - literally - we never seemed to keep a car more than 3 years - once it wasn't new & shiny - it was gone. I should have taken notice!


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## imdistraught (Mar 22, 2013)

Yes I'm sure he ended it with her. She has since gotten married and had a child.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

imdistraught said:


> Yes I'm sure he ended it with her. She has since gotten married and had a child.


He may have ended it with her but that's not to say there's not someone else who has taken her place. Most Waywards look for "help' getting out the door.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

And what you do is pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on. 

Work on you. Don't focus on him.


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## imdistraught (Mar 22, 2013)

We both had a lot of resentment for each other actually. I resented him for not wanting to have children. He resented me for being too controlling and critical.(which I fully admit that I was) That's what "drove" him to seek outside attention in the first place. I don't think he ever truly forgave me for that. And then on top of that, since then I've been trying to deal with the jealousy and betrayal issues.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

imdistraught said:


> Yes I'm sure he ended it with her. She has since gotten married and had a child.


Do they still work together? Is it possible there is someone other then her?
In my own case he has never said why he was unhappy what drove him to someone else - I'm still guessing and that does make it harder to get over. In the first month I asked him 2 times ( aside from the night he left - in which he refused to say anything but Im not happy & there is someone else) and after telling me we would meet so he could explain - then never followed through- I said no more. You know what - ive come to the conclusion I don't think he even knows - he wanted out & he wanted something new. 
One thing people kept telling me is it doesn't matter why - it just matters that I don't let it destroy me. I didn't believe it at first - and I still have to remind myself of that from time to time- but they are right


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

imdistraught said:


> We both had a lot of resentment for each other actually. I resented him for not wanting to have children. He resented me for being too controlling and critical.(which I fully admit that I was) That's what "drove" him to seek outside attention in the first place. I don't think he ever truly forgave me for that. And then on top of that, since then I've been trying to deal with the jealousy and betrayal issues.


It's difficult ending a marriage. I know. I'm ending mine after 45 years. There is never a point when you reach a "safe" time in marriage, unfortunately.

But you can do it. And you will come out better on the other side. Believe me.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

imdistraught said:


> We both had a lot of resentment for each other actually. I resented him for not wanting to have children. He resented me for being too controlling and critical.(which I fully admit that I was) That's what "drove" him to seek outside attention in the first place. I don't think he ever truly forgave me for that. And then on top of that, since then I've been trying to deal with the jealousy and betrayal issues.


That's a lot to deal with but a marriage is 50-50. You can share the blame for the downfall but not for his actions. That's on him.


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## imdistraught (Mar 22, 2013)

Unfortunately my DH is the type that doesn't communicate his feelings and always take the easy way out when it comes to relationships. Its always easier just to tell me what he thought I wanted to hear than what his true feelings were. But in all other aspects of his life he always went full boar.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

imdistraught said:


> Unfortunately my DH is the type that doesn't communicate his feelings and always take the easy way out when it comes to relationships. Its always easier just to tell me what he thought I wanted to hear than what his true feelings were. But in all other aspects of his life he always went full boar.


We married very young 20 & 22 and early on we talked about feel ings & checked in with each other if something was bothering us but as time went on he didn't like to discuss feelings & swept a lot under rug. He would yes me to death so I wouldn't press him. That causes hard feelings. Just keep posting & reading these boards. The people here are so helpful.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

imdistraught said:


> Unfortunately my DH is the type that doesn't communicate his feelings and always take the easy way out when it comes to relationships. Its always easier just to tell me what he thought I wanted to hear than what his true feelings were. But in all other aspects of his life he always went full boar.


He doesn't seem to have trouble communicating his feelings to Miss Thang. Of course, his feelings are probably pretty simple at this stage in their relationship.


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

My divorce just got finalized a couple of days ago. I was married 20 years too and everything was great until all of a sudden he was unhappy/depressed/stressed from work/stressed from everyday life. I couldn't figure out what was going on until I found out he was having an affair with his married high school girlfriend for 8 months. It was taking a toll on him mentally and physically...and he was taking it out on me. The day I found out, he asked for a divorce. 20 years down the drain. He said we should have never gotten married, our marriage was a lie, we were too young, he had kids with me to fix our problems. The list goes on and on. 

What i'm trying to say is, IF your spouse is cheating, read up here on TAM. There is so much information here and so many helpful people. I wish I found this sooner, but it still helped me a lot.


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## waroftheroses (Dec 30, 2011)

'Distraught'

30 years together..27 married..3 children and 2 grandchildren...
It's been 2 years since my divorce, 4 since I found out she was having a physical affair with a co-worker...

I have walked in your shoes....but believe me...it does get better..the triggers are less painful...even hearing our wedding song..'Truly' on the radio does not cut so deep...

Stay strong...when your low...come to TAM....it will help...

Best wishes and take care...!!


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## imdistraught (Mar 22, 2013)

We are still cohabitating for the time being. He refuses to leave because he doesn't think I can maintain the house and I'm not ready to just up and leave my home. Well last night after he got home from work, he got cleaned up and took off in his personal vehicle. After he left, I decided to check his GPS in his company vehicle. And lo and behold in the recently found address list was the address of woman in his CrossFit class at the gym. She is also in the midst of a divorce and is someone that I have had some minor red flags about for awhile. So as the jealous and betrayed woman that I am, I yanked the gps out of his truck and took off in my car to catch them in the act. Well, he wasn't there. Turns out he went to WalMart and to get supper. He was actually home before me. When I confronted him and pleaded that he be honest once and for all, and to tell me why her address is in his GPS, he just kept saying, I don't know, I don't know. Then after of about 10 minutes he finally said he was just testing me to see if I would snoop. What BS. If that was the case, when I confronted him about it he would have immediately said "Ha I knew you would snoop" but no. It took him 10 minutes to come up with that.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Hes full of it - a day before mine left there was a charge on his credit card - it was from new years eve he was supposed to be at work with his boss - very far away from where the charge was ( I was checking his credit card online) when I asked him he was on his cell & pretended to not to be able to hear me. When he got home he looked liked a deer in the headlights. He didn't know what to say. I would say I caught him. 
Whatever you do - I'm not sure what state you're in - don't leave the house. Check the laws & your rights before you do anything!


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## imdistraught (Mar 22, 2013)

He is still denying that he's seeing her but he has taken off his ring and unfriended me on facebook. He's completely closing me off from his life. It's like a 2 months ago we were this happily married couple and now my whole life as I know it has been ripped away.


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## Annie 54 (Mar 24, 2013)

Have read all the post and they are sad but there is hope ... My husband left after 34 years of marriage 4 children the youngest 16 two years down the line I am a new woman .... short hair lost weight ( that was the stress ) but look good .... I too focused on getting the house the way I want it ..... empted my bedroom could not sleep in there for weeks redecorated love it now my space threw away clothes that reminded me of him wrapped and stored photo's replaced them with new ones... work hard and take every chance to go out with friends .... leave jobs for the weekends and yes the evening are very hard sometimes even now..... make a to do list .... and start at the top.... everything you learn to do for yourself will raise your self esteem and smile ...... life doe'd not end it just changes .... but it's now an adventure...


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## imdistraught (Mar 22, 2013)

Annie 54- I'm glad that your life has changed for the better and I know I will survive, but right now I just want him to come home and say he's had a change of heart and wants to stay together. I'm so sick about all this. I cant eat, can't sleep, can't breathe. I've prayed so hard for his heart to soften up.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

imdistraught said:


> He is still denying that he's seeing her but he has taken off his ring and unfriended me on facebook. He's completely closing me off from his life. It's like a 2 months ago we were this happily married couple and now my whole life as I know it has been ripped away.


My WH and I were fine right up to the day he left. ( except for the credit card thing) we had a great Christmas - he had bought me a gold bracelet & rush ordered the perfume I wanted so it would be here for Christmas. We were sleeping in the same bed - he got up went to work & came home that night called me out to his car & gave me his speech. He had just started a new job 2 weeks before & we were still making future plans. I never saw it coming. I to this day do not know who OW is. He thinks I don't know where he lives - I asked twice in the three weeks he was gone - I will not beg him. 

I do understand what you're going through. In hindsight I would say mine was with OW for about 10 months beforehand. I know it is a shock but you need to start to think of yourself now & what is best for your situation. I know right now these are not words you may want to hear - I know I didn't when people said them to me - but they are true as I have come to find out.


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## Annie 54 (Mar 24, 2013)

Pluto2 said:


> So sorry for your pain. My marriage is ending after 27 years, 35 together. You definitely go through a shock over this drastic change in you life, but as others have said, with time, the searing pain gets better. Just remember to breath. Do it every day. Get out of bed and brush your teeth. Every day. Do things to keep your self busy. I've been working on the house. Every stupid project he refused to do is getting done, and by me! The nights are still hard-I won't lie to you. But try to remember that you deserve to be with someone who loves you for the person you are.





imdistraught said:


> Annie 54- I'm glad that your life has changed for the better and I know I will survive, but right now I just want him to come home and say he's had a change of heart and wants to stay together. I'm so sick about all this. I cant eat, can't sleep, can't breathe. I've prayed so hard for his heart to soften up.


Mine came home for a week as he missed his children but could not stay for me ... the need to be with her was too great ... and his son has never spoken to him from that day and his 3 girls do not have the same relationship with him any more .... there is always fall out but you will learn to manage it and one day like me you will find you wake up and he wont be the first thing that enters you head .... and then you will be ready to live love and be happy.....

Be strong Be forceful and above all Be realistic that will pull you out the other side
x


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

imdistraught said:


> Annie 54- I'm glad that your life has changed for the better and I know I will survive, but right now I just want him to come home and say he's had a change of heart and wants to stay together. I'm so sick about all this. I cant eat, can't sleep, can't breathe. I've prayed so hard for his heart to soften up.


I went through all the things you are going through now. All I wanted was my old life back. Ive lost 40 lbs since he left. I cried - bargained & prayed. A few weeks ago I realized I had to stop. I started to realize I didn't want him back. I didn't deserve to be treated like that. He wanted out - why did I want to be with someone who doesn't want me. He lied to me & cant be trusted. I know you cant see that now but in time will come where you will see things clearer.

Right now take care of yourself - try to eat at least something 3 times a day- take walks- do not isolate yourself whatever you do. I got in touch with family & then friends right away. Then I found this site & they have been a godsend.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

imdistraught said:


> Annie 54- I'm glad that your life has changed for the better and I know I will survive, but right now I just want him to come home and say he's had a change of heart and wants to stay together. I'm so sick about all this. I cant eat, can't sleep, can't breathe. I've prayed so hard for his heart to soften up.


You have to learn to detach or you are going to drive yourself crazy (not to mention that it makes you look needy). Refocus your mind. This is not an easy process --- we can all attest to that --- but you can and will get through it. Start now.


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## imdistraught (Mar 22, 2013)

So yesterday we both told our parents that we are divorcing. It was heart wrenching. My husband is actually closer to my parents than his own. They love him like a son. Especially my dad. They golfed together all the time. They are so shocked and confused.

And last night we had the "who's calling the atty." discussion and if I wanted a dissolution or full blown divorce. He said that he wanted to make sure I was ok financially and he wouldn't take advantage of me. Earlier yesterday I was looking for a cell phone charger and found $2000 folded up behind a box. I confronted him about hiding $ and he said he was just trying to protect himself in case I drained the savings account. This was all a very sincere conversation and I know he does generally care about my well being. I'm just so terrified of the future. All the future things that can happen. Like seeing him with a girl. The weekend is here and I'm worried he's going to spend it with ow. And the kicker is she's also married. He still denies he's seeing her, but I think he's afraid That if he tells me I'll try to cause trouble for her or something.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Do you have evidence?


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## imdistraught (Mar 22, 2013)

Last night while we were talking he admitted that when we had our problems two yrs ago and went to counseling that he never really forgave me for my past behavior but he stayed out of guilt. 1) for having the EA, 2) for not having a child and 3) he didn't want to take my stepgrandkids from me. So he stayed and tried to force himself to believe he loved me. So there you have it. he lived the lie until he couldn't do it anymore and he lived it alone. I get it! But now I need to focus on surviving this turmoil that my life has become in 2 short weeks. Any suggestions on how to cope are greatly appreciated. I have a 2nd session with a Christian counselor today and I have a lot of family support to pray for me and comfort me. But it's the mornings that are the worst. Every morning at 4:30 I wake up in a fright and sit up and listen to see if he is still in bed.(we've slept in separate beds in our bedroom for years. He's and obnoxious sleeper) I started taking Zoloft and Ativan this week and I am finally getting a little sleep(til the 4:30 am panic attack hits)


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## imdistraught (Mar 22, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Do you have evidence?


Her home address was in his gps!!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

imdistraught said:


> Her home address was in his gps!!


You have the option of exposing them.


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## imdistraught (Mar 22, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Do you have evidence?


That whole story is in post 23


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## imdistraught (Mar 22, 2013)

Conrad said:


> You have the option of exposing them.


And how is that going to help me move on!!!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Ive been worried about that myself. They live in the same town as me & the kids & I don't know who she is. My cousin gave me a bit of advice - he said if I ever run into them - say hello & keep walking - don't let them see any emotion except a smile on my face. When I'm far enough away & out of sight - then I deal with it. It would be hard I figure- but hes right.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

imdistraught said:


> And how is that going to help me move on!!!


Well you would be surprised how well your Divorce can be amicable when your husbands girlfriends husband (OWH) knows what is really going on.

Hell, he might be 5 steps ahead of you and can shed some light on a few things for you.

Then see how agreeable your H becomes......

I know you are hurting. I know you cannot believe this is happening to you.

But know this, your H has been planning on this for a while. The money roll is proof of this.

His excuse that he was testing you shows how well thought out his lies are and that he has been thinking of the split for a while.

Your best defense is an offense.

Make contact with the OWH. Share some info with him.

Then try this plan, "Let Your Husband Go".

He is a liar and a cheat. Why would you want to keep him???

Oh, because you love him??? Well love is not enough. You need honesty and respect too!

So let him go.

Focus on you and your healing.

HM64


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## Annie 54 (Mar 24, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> I went through all the things you are going through now. All I wanted was my old life back. Ive lost 40 lbs since he left. I cried - bargained & prayed. A few weeks ago I realized I had to stop. I started to realize I didn't want him back. I didn't deserve to be treated like that. He wanted out - why did I want to be with someone who doesn't want me. He lied to me & cant be trusted. I know you cant see that now but in time will come where you will see things clearer.
> 
> Right now take care of yourself - try to eat at least something 3 times a day- take walks- do not isolate yourself whatever you do. I got in touch with family & then friends right away. Then I found this site & they have been a godsend.


See it will happen ... got to tell you this it will give you hope ... today at the supermarket a pack of rolls fell down a man yes a real live man ... picked them up and said to me .... can I help you... and smiled ... guess I dont look like the back of a bus then.... just want you to know that one day some one will smile at you and like me you will be ready to smile back... Take one day at a time soon it will be weeks and as each mile stone passes birthdays anniversary's it will be months and then one day some one will smile at you and you will like me think oooooh he's nice...


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## Annie 54 (Mar 24, 2013)

imdistraught said:


> So yesterday we both told our parents that we are divorcing. It was heart wrenching. My husband is actually closer to my parents than his own. They love him like a son. Especially my dad. They golfed together all the time. They are so shocked and confused.
> 
> And last night we had the "who's calling the atty." discussion and if I wanted a dissolution or full blown divorce. He said that he wanted to make sure I was ok financially and he wouldn't take advantage of me. Earlier yesterday I was looking for a cell phone charger and found $2000 folded up behind a box. I confronted him about hiding $ and he said he was just trying to protect himself in case I drained the savings account. This was all a very sincere conversation and I know he does generally care about my well being. I'm just so terrified of the future. All the future things that can happen. Like seeing him with a girl. The weekend is here and I'm worried he's going to spend it with ow. And the kicker is she's also married. He still denies he's seeing her, but I think he's afraid That if he tells me I'll try to cause trouble for her or something.


The key at this point is to admit it's over and I am afraid it now comes down to money and who get's what.... My x has been great ( know that is odd but he has ) we were married for 30 plus years and still have one daughter living at home .... here in UK he has to provide a Home for her until she is 18 so .... We get to stay in our house for 5 years then it will be sold ... and we both get half... pays an agreed amount each month I work so am able to get by ...... As to seeing them together .... you will never be ready but if like me you bump into them shopping for food you .... dig as deep as you can smile and say Hi... Then you leave your shopping and head for your car shaking ... But to them you were cool and together and believe me that will have more of an impact than crying and shouting .....


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

imdistraught said:


> Every morning at 4:30 I wake up in a fright and sit up and listen to see if he is still in bed.(we've slept in separate beds in our bedroom for years. He's and obnoxious sleeper) I started taking Zoloft and Ativan this week and I am finally getting a little sleep(til the 4:30 am panic attack hits)


the panic attacks and general anxiety will abate as the anti-depressant you are taking kicks in. I had the same kind of issues for a couple weeks. Takes a little time for the drugs to work, but they really help. It is good you are taking those and not the short term stuff--alcohol or Vallium--that can cause you problems later. The Anti-depressant will not change your thoughts or mood, but it will help your body to stop rebelling in a fight or flight mode. That is the worst feeling in the world. I've been there too. It gets better.


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## Laba (Nov 12, 2011)

Look if you are very attached to your step grandkids and his daughter and they as well are attached to you - you shouldnt be running a risk of loosing them. 
I broke up with my ex 14 years ago and still have great relationship with his daughter - it's all what you make of it. Yes, it will be different but a good relationships doesn't disappear overnight.

If you can in these hard times try to focus more on the good relationships in your life instead of the bad ones, that will give you your self worth back and your sanity as well.

No space stays unfilled - you never know who will come in your life and possibly sweep you off your feet.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Annie 54 said:


> See it will happen ... got to tell you this it will give you hope ... today at the supermarket a pack of rolls fell down a man yes a real live man ... picked them up and said to me .... can I help you... and smiled ... guess I dont look like the back of a bus then.... just want you to know that one day some one will smile at you and like me you will be ready to smile back... Take one day at a time soon it will be weeks and as each mile stone passes birthdays anniversary's it will be months and then one day some one will smile at you and you will like me think oooooh he's nice...


I read this and I cannot stop smiling. We are worthy of desire, affection, comfort and love.

Can't everybody feel the exciting energy she must have been feeling. It's really awesome!


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## imdistraught (Mar 22, 2013)

What a tuff weekend it was, wow. And last night we actually had a pretty lengthy heartfelt conversation. He held my hand and we both cried. I finally got the explanations that I need as to why he wasn't happy and I understand his feelings. He also finally fessed up to having started "something" with the girl I had been suspecting all along. He said it started about six weeks ago. She is also married(for 15 yrs) and is unhappy and starting the divorce process. I'm so hurt that he didn't have the courage or the respect for me to deal with our marriage before he brought in a 3rd party but there's nothing I can do about it now. We are going to an atty on Friday to get the process started for a dissolution. Hopefully we can work things out amicably. He makes significantly more $$ than I do so I'm not real sure how to approach this. I don't want to be a greedy ***** because I am also responsible for this marriage being #ucked up! But I don't want to be destitute either. I make about $30k a yr and he just got a promotion and will make between $68k and $75k this year.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

I would expose their behavior.

posOW's husband should be your first contact.


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## imdistraught (Mar 22, 2013)

Thanks for that info, Arendt, I'm looking forward to being able to eat and sleep again. I'd love to get my energy back up so that I can get back to the gym. Went for the first time last night. Rode a stationary bike for 30 minutes and then talked to my personal trainer who is a nutritionist. She gave me some good advise on how to fuel my body and not lose muscle. Although going to the gym will still be difficult because "they" will be there.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Great! That is awesome that you are consulting with somebody for exercise as well. 

One thing about the anti-depressants is that they probably will not take away your worries and all that such. Drugs shouldn't do that anyway. They'll just help with the god-awful physical symptoms. I found the physical symptoms nearly unbearable when I was going through them. 

I also take a Vitamin B complex each day because those vitamins help with the nervous system. I am a vegan, so B12 is an issue anyway, and the stress of separation is hard on the nerves. I cannot say if the B vitamins work well, but my anxiety symptoms are gone and I feel really healthy going to the gym 6 days a week to run and lift weights coupled with the meds and vitamins.


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## imdistraught (Mar 22, 2013)

Today has been a bad day so far. Every night is some type of confrontation. Last night he was all gung ho about talking about finances so we have a plan for the attorney on Friday. He added up all of our Iras and 401k, and $ in the bank and said split 50/50. That actually benefits me because only about 20% is mine. We will each keep our own vehicles that are pd off and of pretty equal value. We will also sell the house and split the proceeds 50/50. But who knows how long that will take. But the aching in my gut has nothing to do with any of that. It's the fact that I know right now he is having conversation on the phone with HER! A conversation that a month ago he would have been having with me. I have been completely replaced. Nothing in his life has changed other than the face and the name. But my life has come to a complete halt.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

imdistraught said:


> Today has been a bad day so far. Every night is some type of confrontation. Last night he was all gung ho about talking about finances so we have a plan for the attorney on Friday. He added up all of our Iras and 401k, and $ in the bank and said split 50/50. That actually benefits me because only about 20% is mine. We will each keep our own vehicles that are pd off and of pretty equal value. We will also sell the house and split the proceeds 50/50. But who knows how long that will take. But the aching in my gut has nothing to do with any of that. It's the fact that I know right now he is having conversation on the phone with HER! A conversation that a month ago he would have been having with me. I have been completely replaced. Nothing in his life has changed other than the face and the name. But my life has come to a complete halt.


I know it hurts right now but I can promise you that with time it gets. easier. You cant obsessover it - try to replace it when you feel yourself. starting to think about him. Find things to occupy your mind - get out & go for a walk - call a friend.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

imdistraught said:


> Today has been a bad day so far. Every night is some type of confrontation. Last night he was all gung ho about talking about finances so we have a plan for the attorney on Friday. He added up all of our Iras and 401k, and $ in the bank and said split 50/50. That actually benefits me because only about 20% is mine. We will each keep our own vehicles that are pd off and of pretty equal value. We will also sell the house and split the proceeds 50/50. But who knows how long that will take. But the aching in my gut has nothing to do with any of that. It's the fact that I know right now he is having conversation on the phone with HER! A conversation that a month ago he would have been having with me. I have been completely replaced. Nothing in his life has changed other than the face and the name. But my life has come to a complete halt.


It absolutely hurts. But it can be overcome. Focus on you and not on him. You will come through this. And life will be better on the other side. *Believe that*.


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## imdistraught (Mar 22, 2013)

Oh My God, I miss my husband so much. I miss talking to him, I miss hugging him, I miss laughing with him. I get up every morning and smell his clothes and wrap them around me. We are living separately in the same house. He goes to atty tomorrow. I'm trying the 180(although I know it will never get him back, more for own sanity) But I just want to tell him how much I miss him and to stop this nonsense and let us figure out how to be happy again together.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

imdistraught said:


> Oh My God, I miss my husband so much. I miss talking to him, I miss hugging him, I miss laughing with him. I get up every morning and smell his clothes and wrap them around me. We are living separately in the same house. He goes to atty tomorrow. I'm trying the 180(although I know it will never get him back, more for own sanity) But I just want to tell him how much I miss him and to stop this nonsense and let us figure out how to be happy again together.


He isn't going to do that as long as he is seeing another woman. You need to tell her husband. Don't believe what your husband is telling you that she and her husband are getting a divorce - may or may not be true. Her husband deserves to know that his wife is screwing around on him. If the roles were reversed, would you want him to tell you?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

imdistraught said:


> Oh My God, I miss my husband so much. I miss talking to him, I miss hugging him, I miss laughing with him. I get up every morning and smell his clothes and wrap them around me. We are living separately in the same house. He goes to atty tomorrow. I'm trying the 180(although I know it will never get him back, more for own sanity) But I just want to tell him how much I miss him and to stop this nonsense and let us figure out how to be happy again together.


You are torturing yourself. This may sound cold but you need to preserve yourself. You need to get stronger. I know what it is like in those first few weeks & the fact you two are in the same house is not going to make your situation easier. Put all his clothes in the room where he is sleeping - & stay out! I know that is easier said than done but you need to do that! Mine moved out but within the first 24 hrs everything he left behind was packed up and put out in the garage. I was running on adreniline at that point but was glad I did it when I did because when the saddness did set in a day later it was out of my sight. You will be fine - do the 180 for you.


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

imdistraught said:


> Oh My God, I miss my husband so much. I miss talking to him, I miss hugging him, I miss laughing with him. I get up every morning and smell his clothes and wrap them around me. We are living separately in the same house. He goes to atty tomorrow. I'm trying the 180(although I know it will never get him back, more for own sanity) But I just want to tell him how much I miss him and to stop this nonsense and let us figure out how to be happy again together.


I did that too when it first happened. I would wake up, roll over to his side of the bed and smell the pillow and stuff. It was so hard and I missed him so much. After about a couple of days, whatever he didn't pack with him, my boys and I put his clothes in trash bags and put it by the door. Then all of us re-arranged all the furniture in the house. Kinda like a cleansing to help with the new start.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I went & bought new pillows the next day. Oh & I took all pictures of him down off the walls. I know it sounds harsh but believe it or not it helped


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> I went & bought new pillows the next day. Oh & I took all pictures of him down off the walls. I know it sounds harsh but believe it or not it helped


I took my marriage photos and any photos of my wife down too. It was a kind of release of sorts. I am in the process of putting up new artwork. So yeah, I recommend this too.


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## imdistraught (Mar 22, 2013)

So I found a phone # on the internet for the OW. Going to call her H tomorrow. I don't even know if the # works. You all say to expose them but not sure of the best way to go about that. And why should I do that anyways. SO Confused on what to do. Blab it to the world on Facebook? They have both blocked me so I don't know if anyone of any importance would even see it. And I would just look stupid!


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> I went & bought new pillows the next day. Oh & I took all pictures of him down off the walls. I know it sounds harsh but believe it or not it helped


I like you threw every pillow I owned out. Pictures came down too. 

Time for some new pillows. I even got a new bedspread.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

imdistraught said:


> So I found a phone # on the internet for the OW. Going to call her H tomorrow. I don't even know if the # works. You all say to expose them but not sure of the best way to go about that. And why should I do that anyways. SO Confused on what to do. Blab it to the world on Facebook? They have both blocked me so I don't know if anyone of any importance would even see it. And I would just look stupid!


Call the OWH. Do not use Facebook.

See if he can shed anymore light on the matter.

Ask her husband this if you think he will answer the question.

When was the last time they were intimate?

Be strong.


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## imdistraught (Mar 22, 2013)

My husband had appt. at the atty. today. I txt him to see when we could talk about it and he replied "tomorrow". I said it was too important and didn't want to wait til tomorrow. So he asked if I wanted to meet at Bob Evans after work to discuss it Are you f ing kidding me??? 20 yrs. of marriage and he wants to meet at Bob Evans. I told him I prefer to do it at home. He's afraid I cant act like an adult when we discuss it. So I told him this is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through in my life and that he has no idea what this is doing to me and that's why I prefer to discuss it in my own home. He says he "understands but it's still happening and we have to work together to come to an agreement" He said the atty. said we can work it out like adults and be finalized in June or we can fight and spend thousands and it could take a year.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Get a lawyer asap.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

imdistraught said:


> So I found a phone # on the internet for the OW. Going to call her H tomorrow. I don't even know if the # works. You all say to expose them but not sure of the best way to go about that. And why should I do that anyways. SO Confused on what to do. Blab it to the world on Facebook? They have both blocked me so I don't know if anyone of any importance would even see it. And I would just look stupid!


This link will help

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

They do this because they have a script in their head on how they want this to go. Mine told me that's why he called me out to the car to tell me - he said he didn't want hysterics from me. 25 years he calls me out to the car after work & he didn't want hysterics??? 
I know it hurts but they aren't concerned what they're doing to us - they just want to do what makes them feel good.
Make sure you see a lawyer. I went the week after mine left - I was still in shock from everything at the time but it was the best thing I did. You need to protect yourself because it sounds like hes moving forward and you need to start thinking about YOU!


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## imdistraught (Mar 22, 2013)

I'm so sick with anxiety right now. Yesterday I went through the house and boxed up a bunch of stuff(nicknacks and pictures) to take to the good will. Just stuff that knew neither one of us cared about. I came across our wedding albums!!!! I cried and sobbed hysterically pretty much all day. This morning after he left to go golfing I got in his work truck and looked at his calendar book. Next sat April 13 he has hearts drawn at the top with the initials KMAC and on his dashboard was a sticky note with a confirmation number. I'm just sick about this. Because I think he has plans to spend the night with her somewhere. I can't take this. I'm about two steps away from the looney bin.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Good for you packing up some of your stuff - you looked throught the wedding album - now put it far away out of your sight if you're not ready to get rid if it. I understand the need to try to get some answers by going through their stuff - calenders-credit card statements - its sort of a self destructive task to make it real for us. I realized I needed to stop because it was making me physically sick. I know its great temptation but try to resist it - you know anything you find will be upsetting. That being said - and I know it sounds strange - but when you do find things like that - document them!!! Take a cell phone picture or make copies. I know its the last thing you're probably thinking about but you'll be happy you did it when you're thinking clearer. And try to stop the mental images- re direct your thoughts like counting backwards from 100 - I know in my case they drove me crazy! Valentines day was a nightmare!


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Of course you are distraught. 

Now stop crying, call an attorney.

And get tough so you do not end up with nothing.

It is time to get tough and show him the door.


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## imdistraught (Mar 22, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> Of course you are distraught.
> 
> Now stop crying, call an attorney.
> 
> ...


I'm not going to end up with nothing. He's already offered me part of his retirement and alimony. And half of what's in savings. He originally wanted to sell the house split the proceeds but now he says he wants to buy me out.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

imdistraught said:


> I'm not going to end up with nothing. He's already offered me part of his retirement and alimony. And half of what's in savings. He originally wanted to sell the house split the proceeds but now he says he wants to buy me out.


Then get it in writing STAT before the fog lifts.

Get an attorney.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

imdistraught said:


> I'm not going to end up with nothing. He's already offered me part of his retirement and alimony. And half of what's in savings. He originally wanted to sell the house split the proceeds but now he says he wants to buy me out.


That is great. He is such a nice guy. Not!

Ensure you get what is due you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Then get it in writing STAT before the fog lifts.
> 
> Get an attorney.


:iagree::iagree: 

You may not need an attorney, but do get it all in writing. Have him sign and notarize it. Get the divorce papers started with what he agreed on written in the petition. He may change his mind later on once the reality sets in and wont be so nice.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Left With 4.5 said:


> :iagree::iagree:
> 
> You may not need an attorney, but do get it all in writing. Have him sign and notarize it. Get the divorce papers started with what he agreed on written in the petition. He may change his mind later on once the reality sets in and wont be so nice.


See right now he's motivated by guilt (leaving you in this manner after 20 years is mean) but the thing about guilt is over time it passes. Less guilt equals less settlement.

And maybe I'm wrong maybe he truly is a nice guy but what kind of nice guy leaves his wife for a OW after 20 years?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

imdistraught said:


> I'm so sick with anxiety right now. Yesterday I went through the house and boxed up a bunch of stuff(nicknacks and pictures) to take to the good will. Just stuff that knew neither one of us cared about. I came across our wedding albums!!!! I cried and sobbed hysterically pretty much all day. This morning after he left to go golfing I got in his work truck and looked at his calendar book. Next sat April 13 he has hearts drawn at the top with the initials KMAC and on his dashboard was a sticky note with a confirmation number. I'm just sick about this. Because I think he has plans to spend the night with her somewhere. I can't take this. I'm about two steps away from the looney bin.


It definitely hurts (and that's an understatement). All of us have been there and know that feeling well. 

But don't allow any of it to define *you *. Learn to detach.


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> See right now he's motivated by guilt (leaving you in this manner after 20 years is mean) but the thing about guilt is over time it passes. Less guilt equals less settlement.
> 
> And maybe I'm wrong maybe he truly is a nice guy but what kind of nice guy leaves his wife for a OW after 20 years?


:iagree: Exactly. Mine left me after 20 years too and what started out as everything staying the same ie, I still get the same paycheck amount, I get to stay in this house, I get to have the kids etc, turned into "You're not getting any money from me, your money train is stopping, I'll take the kids from you. You're going to end up in the streets..." 

Good thing for me is that I had everything written into the petition right away and served him. He chose not to respond and signed the default papers months later. He got the judgement papers last week. He's not happy about it because towards the end of the divorce process, he didn't think I deserved anything.


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## imdistraught (Mar 22, 2013)

Something terrible happened yesterday morning. I got a phone call at 8:30 am from my husbands friend that they were at the ER and that my husband had suffered some type of brain bleed during his crossfit class. So I rushed over there. I had never been so scared in my life. He was life flighted to a hospital two hours away. So I made the trip up there with my MIL and SFIL. They did an angiogram and luckily it wasn't an aneurysm just a small bleed that has already clotted over. Bottom line is he's going to be ok thank God but he' ll be in the hosp for another week or so. 

Now here's my dilemma. For some stupid reason as a Christian and a praying woman I thought maybe this was Gods way of bringing us back together. Ha not so much. I could tell by the way he was acting that wasn't the case. He just wanted someone to bring him his cell phone because there were people he wanted to talk to. So I mentioned the girls name and he said yes he wants to see her. I want to be with him to support him through this. I am still his wife. Do I make the two hour trip up there and take his phone. I'm so confused and tormented about this.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Hell no don't bring him his cell phone, maybe the OW wont bring it either, and he'll get a taste of exactly how stable that new relationship is. Stay strong, stay away.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

No don't bring him the phone! If I were you id be mad as hell he even asked you to do that!!!! Come on now - stop - you see - even in his crisis hes turning to her. You need to put up boundaries NOW!! He sees the way you're acting and hes taking advantage!!!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

He's calling to your codependent self to enable him.


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

Do NOT bring him the phone! You are not going to enable him! Leave and don't go back to visit.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Don't go back there. You are probably thinking if you are there, supporting him, that he might have a change of heart and come back. 

He won't.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Openminded said:


> Don't go back there. You are probably thinking if you are there, supporting him, that he might have a change of heart and come back.
> 
> He won't.


The opposite has a better chance!

He might have a change of heart if the OP ignores him and shows him that she is ready to move on.

Once he sees he no longer has 'Plan B' in his back pocket, he might finally realize what he is actually giving up.


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## imdistraught (Mar 22, 2013)

So I went to the hospital to see him. He did act genuinely happy to see me. But I think he was bored. We had some good conversation and he told me all about what had been happening in the hospital. Asked if I brought the newspaper(which I had, because I know after 20 yrs of marriage that he would want the newspaper and his golf mag) we talked about some other things and he wanted to know if this Was Gods way of punishing him for f*cking up his marriage. I told him that is Gods way of giving him a second chance at his marriage. He said that wasn't happening because he loves someone else!!! So, I guess that's what I needed to hear. It's so hard and devastating to hear that but I have to finally believe that it's over. Not really accepting it yet but I do know its true.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

imdistraught said:


> So I went to the hospital to see him. He did act genuinely happy to see me. But I think he was bored. We had some good conversation and he told me all about what had been happening in the hospital. Asked if I brought the newspaper(which I had, because I know after 20 yrs of marriage that he would want the newspaper and his golf mag) we talked about some other things and he wanted to know if this Was Gods way of punishing him for f*cking up his marriage. I told him that is Gods way of giving him a second chance at his marriage. He said that wasn't happening because he loves someone else!!! So, I guess that's what I needed to hear. It's so hard and devastating to hear that but I have to finally believe that it's over. Not really accepting it yet but I do know its true.


Did you take him the phone?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

You need to accept it. Hes moved on and now you need to also. You need to start your process of dealing with this and healing. If you go back and read your posts you will see what we all see and why we all are encouraging you to move on.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Imdistraught

Can I make one suggestion.

Go see an attorney.

Have the divorce papers drawn up.

Do not see or speak with him until the papers are done.

Then go see him. When he asks you if you brought him the paper say "yes I have".

Then hand him the divorce papers.

Then let him now you changed the locks and when he is released he can go live with his girlfriend.

Then tell him to have his attorney contact your attorney.

Wish him well then leave.

HM64


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

imdistraught said:


> So I went to the hospital to see him. He did act genuinely happy to see me. But I think he was bored. We had some good conversation and he told me all about what had been happening in the hospital. Asked if I brought the newspaper(which I had, because I know after 20 yrs of marriage that he would want the newspaper and his golf mag) we talked about some other things and he wanted to know if this Was Gods way of punishing him for f*cking up his marriage. I told him that is Gods way of giving him a second chance at his marriage. He said that wasn't happening because he loves someone else!!! So, I guess that's what I needed to hear. It's so hard and devastating to hear that but I have to finally believe that it's over.* Not really accepting it yet but I do know its true.*


I'm sorry. (((HUGS)))


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