# I asked for a trial sep...now hv to ask for a divorce....



## soulconnection (Jul 10, 2013)

I never got a chance to answer the questions from my original post and its hard to find the post on my phone. I do recall that 1 question was wondering if I told my H how serious I was about how close I was to wanting a divorce. I have been seriously telling him for months but even mentioned it back in December. I begged and pleaded for him to believe me. He said he did but I doubt it

So Sunday night I was reading Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. The first question rocked me nand made me realize that it was definitely inevitable that we would divorce. I then went down stairs and caught him looking at porn, webcam girls, who the hell knows. It was just very, very obvious but no admittance : / Once again, porn use use to not b my enemy but the addiction to porn is, webcam girls are and the LIES are. I decided rt then to ask for a week trial sep. He was devastated-much like I've been feeling contemplating divorce for months. It was awful to watch. I felt his pain and my own personal pain for my family falling apart and....my poor kids  he kept looking in my eyes and begging. I wanted to hug and console this person I've been with for 8 yrs but couldn't. 

I've now been gone for 4 days and we haven't talked but through FB and comments said to our child on the phone (speaker phone) I know he thinks that we still have a fighting chance. I wish it were that easy. I don't even feel like my feelings could ever go bk....they've been gone since Dec and the lies haven't ended. I lost my faith. However, I have not lost my concern for his feelings. It was so bad. The next morning he was acting like perfect husband (annoying to me, even before this chat. It makes me think desperate and fake but no real change in quality of life). I had to remind him what separation was but he just replied with that he's going to fix himself and the marriage.

I do not want to kick my husband when he's down and don't know how I can do this. This is intense enough and im already feeling loads of guilt. I find myself second guessing wanting this divorce knowing that I'm going to hv to hear him beg and plead again. So f-ing wrong  but I don't feel like our quality of life will ever be what either of us wants or deserves together. But man, this is really, really tough 

I'm going home tomorrow and divorce will b the topic. i know he's hopeful and will have a face of longing...He says he has nowhere to stay so I'm thinking me and the kids will hv to bail again when I see him trying to "fix us" again. I hate dragging my kids away from home but I think he won't lv 1. Too comfy at home to lv. 2. embarrassed 3. Thinks it'll force me to stay?

Any ideas or thoughts on all of this?

This is a painful and scary process. I'm a stay at home mom and hv no clue how I'm even moving forward. Auto pilot?
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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Are you prepared for him to fight for 50% custody? He won't be the only one to lose in divorce. You all will.


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## soulconnection (Jul 10, 2013)

I know this.

But he won't fight for 50% custody. He works too late and is too stressed about taking care of the children even when I'm around. I did not make this decision just one morning. My H has a porn/webcam girl addiction which has caused feelings of betrayal. When someone lies to your face over a long period of time and pushes you away emotionally, 1 day your mind and heart say "that's it!" 

I fought by going to months of counseling to which he did not take serious. This is not what I want for my kids but it would eventually get quite hairy with a mom and dad who are in an untrusting, sexless marriage who never see eye to eye.

Yes, I'm aware of the pain and consequences.
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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

It sucks that they push you to this place and yet you carry all of the guilt and responsibility for making the final call.

I feel for you and get where you're at.

You are doing the right thing. At some point you have to save yourself because you have to take care of yourself to be able to take care of your kids.

Now to take my own advice...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

SC, are you in IC? If you're not, I really recommend it - I think it would help you to work through/let go of the guilt. You have nothing to feel guilty for; his behavior brought the marriage to this point, and you were very brave to say and do something about it. You have already done everything in your power to save the marriage, and he wasn't willing to meet you halfway or do any of the work. (My STBXH was the same way; and he insisted that he would do anything to save the marriage, but his actions told another story altogether.) If you hadn't initiated the separation, you would still be stuck there in a miserable household.

My STBXH and I had problems for years, and he kept sweeping things under the rug. Finally, I was able to impress on him how unhappy I was, and insisted that we go to counseling. He seemed devastated, and I was miserable with the guilt. To be honest, our counselor wasn't that great, and in some respects caused more harm than good, but she was able to help me get over the guilt I was carrying around. She helped me see that I wasn't doing anything wrong or cruel; yes, my husband was hurting, but _*that wasn't my fault*_. In our case, my STBXH brought most of it on himself by refusing to deal with his own emotional issues, and by refusing to deal with the problems in our marriage. You do NOT bear the burden of a failed marriage on your own, but guilt would have you think that you should.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

And definitely *DO NOT* allow him to guilt trip you into feeling guilty. Like my STBXH, you gave your STBXH every opportunity to save the marriage, and EVERY TIME he has let you down; his words were lies, but his actions were true. If he really wants you back, he needs to work his ass off to prove it to you, and he needs to regain your trust. If he's anything like my STBXH (and it sounds like he is), he will continue say pretty things to you, but his actions will never back it up. That, or he may do what he sees as the bare minimum to get you back, and then once you agree to come back, he will return to his old ways, confident that you won't leave - and perhaps feeling a little smug, over confident, and/or contemptuous because he was able to win you back so easily (ie, you settled for less than you're worth).

Don't be the woman who settles for a man who doesn't deserve her because of guilt. If he really wants you and wants to save the marriage, he needs to change himself to be worthy of you. He needs to start acting like a HUSBAND.


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## soulconnection (Jul 10, 2013)

Clipclop- thank you, lots!

And femi- oh man, I needed your replies so bad. Like real bad. I thank you so much.

I can't handle this guilt. It's too much. I'm a SAHM so I'm already stressed about finding a secure job. I'm already feeling worried for my children. But now the guilt of being the one to break up this family....and his pain (and denial). Too much. I need to keep reminding myself that I have tried many times and have given him many attempts at being trustworthy and a partner. I did not give up on this marriag...he did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soulconnection (Jul 10, 2013)

I'm assuming IC is individual counseling. I will be looking into that this week. So much to do : /
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Willowfin (Jan 2, 2012)

Soulc. Plz don't feel guilty about removing kids from family home. Never feel bad about taking two steps back in order to move 3 steps forward!
You and your children deserve better


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## JustGotDroppedABomshell (Aug 24, 2013)

soulconnection said:


> I'm assuming IC is individual counseling. I will be looking into that this week. So much to do : /
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm on the other side of the situation. My wife has decided to leave me. She wants a D and I wanted a trial sep. I pleaded with her and she gave in. Read my post here

Here is my view. He's hurting you and he may see it. He doesnt realize how bad it is. You have told him and and he listened and may have slightly changed but still had his addiction. He isnt healthy in his head. I know that cause I did the same thing. I will admit that for a short period I did watch porn instead of being intimate. This changed when she made a change on her side. I never flirted with cam girls or anything extreme but I was no saint. 

Here is where I am at. I read divorce busters/remedy and part of The Married Man Sex Life Primer. One may be more relevant for your situation than the other. I also had a divorce buster coach session and an IC session thru Pretty Padded Room. I feel more comfortable doing them from home. I'll see if my insurance covers them. 

Both have given me some perspective. with DC coach I figured out a way to talk to my wife and how to act. The IC showed me that I have more problems than I thought. A realization today was my parents had a bad marriage. There was violence and alcohol. I remember waking up to a sound and went to the living room to see broken bottles and a police officer there. When asked how I felt about it I just said "I thought that was normal. I never thought the kid down the street had a better or worst situation and that everybody's life was like that". The only positive thing I have gained from that marriage was that I will never hit a woman, ever. 

This opened my eyes to a lot of things that I know I have to fix for my marriage but honestly for myself. I learned that I neglected my wife, I treated her like an inferior person, I never listened to her, and I honestly didnt realize how great of a person she is. It was only thru listening to her talk that I learned she accomplished so much while I just sat around at home on the computer. Edit: I wasnt watching porn but on facebook or reddit. 

I know that I'm learning a lot about myself and I'm really working hard for a change cause I at first wanted to change for her and now I want to change for me. Your husband may or may not. He may act out of desperation and say he'll change. He may end up realizing how bad it is and how horrible he's been or he may just do something for a short while and just slowly revert back. I can't say. I can say that if he really is wanting to keep you around then he'll show you some change. 

The news of her leaving; finally telling me whats going on and me finally listening without getting angry is what really helped. Maybe you can have a similar situation. I got to see that she has her faults but I have mine. I realized how horrible I have been and that I need to change. Maybe the fear of you leaving will not start a "please stay I'll change" but a real conversation. If he can have one of those and both of you realize your faults as humans you can all do counseling or therapy. 

I know I'm telling you this along with my story but its cause I still love my wife and have hope that it will work out and I'm projecting that hope to your situation. Please talk to him and but be firm that you can't be with him if he's emotionally and intimately detached. He will need to fix himself first thru counseling or something else before you will consider taking him back.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

soulconnection said:


> I'm assuming IC is individual counseling. I will be looking into that this week. So much to do : /
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yup, that's what it means. I hope you can find someone. Sometimes it takes a while, and remember that not every therapist is going to be a good fit for you. So don't feel guilty if you go to one, and then you have to call it quits and find another therapist who is a better fit.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

JustGotDropped, thanks for sharing your story. If my STBXH could/would have followed your example, my marriage could have been saved. But my STBXH is too stubborn, too proud, and too far gone to even consider that his behavior and emotional dysfunction is the root of our marital problems.

At the very least, if you marriage doesn't heal, you will know that you're better prepared for a healthy relationship in the future. My STBXH will continue to repeat the same behavior, and I don't think he will ever really be happy. It's sad really. I don't harbor any real hatred for him anymore (though I did earlier in the process!!!), I just feel sorry for him.


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## JustGotDroppedABomshell (Aug 24, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> JustGotDropped, thanks for sharing your story. If my STBXH could/would have followed your example, my marriage could have been saved. But my STBXH is too stubborn, too proud, and too far gone to even consider that his behavior and emotional dysfunction is the root of our marital problems.


Thank you. I'm trying to heal for her, our son, and me. I know its not just me that needs to have a change of heart in order to make this work. My wife is too stubborn as well. She feels that once she makes a decision she has to stick with it. Not sure of the story but I may want to point out that sometimes problems arent just caused by one person. Ours was spiraled out of control cause of both of our shortcomings. 



FeministInPink said:


> At the very least, if you marriage doesn't heal, you will know that you're better prepared for a healthy relationship in the future. My STBXH will continue to repeat the same behavior, and I don't think he will ever really be happy. It's sad really. I don't harbor any real hatred for him anymore (though I did earlier in the process!!!), I just feel sorry for him.


Want to grab a drink? I'm kidding. I know that I will eventually have the tools to have a healthy relationship but I feel that I will always want a healthy relationship with just her. Looking back from then to now life has been a fairy tale that I dont want to walk away from. 

I also have fears of seeing her with other men. Men that would just want to use her. Or my biggest is her finding someone that just destroys her but she's too scared to leave. I know she is a strong woman but as a man I want to protect her. I know by me thinking this I could come across as treating her as an object but I feel that she is my wife and I am her husband. 

Sorry I'm having one of those moments where I just feel lost, confused, and hurt.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

JustGotDroppedABomshell said:


> I also have fears of seeing her with other men. Men that would just want to use her. Or my biggest is her finding someone that just destroys her but she's too scared to leave. I know she is a strong woman but as a man I want to protect her. I know by me thinking this I could come across as treating her as an object but I feel that she is my wife and I am her husband.
> 
> Sorry I'm having one of those moments where I just feel lost, confused, and hurt.


Fear is one of the biggest stumbling blocks in life. It served a biological purpose at one point in time (I'm scared to leave the cave because there's a big, hungry bear outside!), but in modern life, in hinders more than it helps.

My STBXH lives his life in a constant state of fear, and that is what is going to prevent him from living a meaningful life. He tells people what he thinks they want to hear because he's afraid that they won't like him. He stays in jobs that are unfulfilling and make him unhappy because he's afraid of change, because he's afraid that the next job will be worse, or that he'll fail at the next job. He won't make any decisions because he's afraid of making the wrong choice. He won't try to change his behaviors or work on our marriage because he's afraid that he can't, that he will fail. He's afraid to take any risks in his life, because that would mean making himself vulnerable.

He strung me along for over a decade, he asked me to move in with him, he asked me to marry him, and he married me, all because he was afraid to be alone.

Don't live your life in fear. Especially not in fear of what your wife may choose. If she ultimately makes poor choices, she owns that, not you.

Be strong. *hugs*


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## JustGotDroppedABomshell (Aug 24, 2013)

I just came back from getting a smoke and broke down crying. Her complaint was that we don't want the same thing. I want to go and take my family on adventures and experience life. I'm tired of watching life thru a window. I was a homebody by choice. She wants to have someone to talk to that they go out and make stupid jokes. I would dismiss her jokes cause my ego said I was funnier. 

I have so many insecurities about my weight, my intellect, and my lack of carrying on a conversation that I projected those on to her. I told her if she got fat i would leave her. I never listened to her ideas. I let my ego and insecurity ruin one of the best things in my life. 
We want the same thing but she fears we aren't a match. I know she's at an age of lost identity. It just hurts so bad that I can give her everything but she can't or won't accept it. It hurts so much right now.

Its her choice but Im selfish ad want the best for us.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustGotDroppedABomshell (Aug 24, 2013)

Sorry soul, I didn't mean to high jack your thread.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soulconnection (Jul 10, 2013)

JustGotDroppedABomshell said:


> Sorry soul, I didn't mean to high jack your thread.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's cool
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## soulconnection (Jul 10, 2013)

Dropped- My H actually does see that he's made lots of mistakes and is willing to work on them. The problem is that he has felt this way many, many times but it is always the same. He is who he is. I know he hurts, like you (and me!!!), but at some point a wife's (or husband's) brain and heart stops believing. I want to believe but I don't. The faith is his word has been destroyed.
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## soulconnection (Jul 10, 2013)

So I went home today. I went home to a spotless house, him carrying all the bags in, though I told him I was ok, him talking about taking Buddhist courses (an interest of mine) and him being sticky sweet and nice. I'm frustrated and feel bad. Frustrated because I know that I will have to cause more pain, again, since he clearly talked himself into the idea of fixing us, again, while me and the kids were gone. I guess I just have to be strong and know that I will b causing more and more pain  My heart knows that I'm pulling the trigger but that he made the decision to brake our trust, but nothing will rid me of this guilt, except maybe IC.

What do I do tonight? He usually buys us ice cream on Sat nights. Do I still allow that but sit separate (in another room) from him? Or just say no to the ice cream? I don't want to give false hope.

I think I will probably leave Tuesday for another 5 days : /
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## JustGotDroppedABomshell (Aug 24, 2013)

Write a list of goals and make sure they're achievable in a short time frame. Demands are bossy and resentment could arise. Something achievable cause If he feels its possible he will shut down. Something like schedule and go to a counseling session in the next week. Make me laugh and not cry.
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## JustGotDroppedABomshell (Aug 24, 2013)

I'm sorry but I'm on the other side of the situation. My wife is a WAS. I'm changing for me and her but mainly me. I have so many insecurity issues that I took them out on her. 

IMO if you think counseling will get to the root of the issue give him a chance. Help him solve his issues before getting back together.
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## soulconnection (Jul 10, 2013)

We tried counseling and he didn't take the homework seriously.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustGotDroppedABomshell (Aug 24, 2013)

Inorder for him to change for the better he needs to realize there is a problem. Not just a "she asks me to clean when I'm tired from work". Something asked of me in therapy was what were your parents marriage like? Since it was a bad marriage to me I grew up believing that their marriage was normal. I let that define the roles of husband and wife. Not sure what he expects out of you and vice versa. 

If counseling didnt work, have you read divorce remedy? That focuses more on behavioral outcomes. I read it and realized small actions are louder than words. I had to put it down to focus more on saving me and I'm near the end of the book. You can read the first chapter free if you're hesitate. Something in that book I read is how humans think to solve a problem we have to do a certain action. This can be nagging, yelling, anger, etc. If it didn't work then why keep doing it though?

There is another book I heard of that actually defines what loves mean to you. Your husband at have another definition of how love is shown. 
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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

JustGotDroppedABomshell said:


> Sorry soul, I didn't mean to high jack your thread.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ditto for me.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

JustGotDroppedABomshell said:


> Inorder for him to change for the better he needs to realize there is a problem. Not just a "she asks me to clean when I'm tired from work". Something asked of me in therapy was what were your parents marriage like? Since it was a bad marriage to me I grew up believing that their marriage was normal. I let that define the roles of husband and wife. Not sure what he expects out of you and vice versa.


:iagree:

SoulC, he seems to be making some small changes right now -- maybe he will take therapy more seriously this time around? Success for your marriage will depend on really big changes, and for that, counseling is helpful.

You might want to hold off on doing anything drastic right now - like asking for a divorce - and see what happens with counseling. You've been unhappy for a long time, and so you've been thinking about this for a while now. It may have only just clicked for him regarding how big this really is.

If you're convinced that divorce is the best solution, then go ahead and ask for the big D. But the impression I've had from your posts here and on your previous thread (which I just read) is that you don't really want a divorce, but it seems like your only option because he's not taking your concerns seriously. And I think there are some deeper issues here than just his porn use and the lack of intimacy. If the two of you can get to the root of your problems (which mostly means getting to the roots of his issues, considering that no one in his family seems capable of maintaining a healthy marital relationship), I think you guys could get past this and have a happy marriage again.

Ultimately, though, it's up to you. And if you want to work on it, you're going to have to do some hard work, too. And you're marriage isn't going to be the same marriage you had before. If you both commit and do the work, it will be a totally different (and hopefully, much more fulfilling) marriage than before.

Also, regarding his low sex drive... might want to have his testosterone checked. Just a thought.


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## soulconnection (Jul 10, 2013)

No offense dropped, but it seems like you may be projecting your situation onto mine. I am not currently questioning if I should make this relationship work or not. Of course I have doubts here and there, but that's the guilt talking to me and the love for my children. This post was to reach out to those who have experience or advice with wanting to divorce someone who is not wanting to let go.

I am not a cold, heartless b****, but I sure do sound like one to my H right now since I'm not wanting to give any false hope. I hate making him feel this way but I feel a bit forced to do it again and again. He is doing what it seems like you are doing (to your wife and almost to me in these posts, ha!), which is kind of like this love interrogation thing. PRESSURE. This HAS to work-I will MAKE it work (ignoring the feelings that I'm feeling, which is he didn't make it work or we wouldn't be here)! Being overly hopeful when I am saying that I am sadly done. Telling me all of the wonderful changes he 100% is going to make when he couldn't even change the 1 largest problem, let alone the many small problems, before now (though he always said he was going to change them all). If he's in the mood I'm suppose to sit and listen and watch his face turn from pain to hopeful and...crush him over and over again. I hate it. I don't like it but I also wouldn't have to put him through this repeated pain if he would just believe my words. I get the desperation, pain and mourning of the marriage....I've been doing it for months and begging for him to see that our marriage was crumbling. Begging!!!! 

Did your wife warn you? Did she give you many chances? No disrespect, but when you push someone away for long enough and make plenty of empty promises (or many lies, by my husband) eventually your wife is going to have to draw the line. And once that line is drawn the respect and love is often gone.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I think we all project a little bit onto each other, especially when we see similarities between our situation and that of other posters.

I'm sure I'm guilty of it, too


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## JustGotDroppedABomshell (Aug 24, 2013)

soulconnection said:


> No offense dropped, but it seems like you may be projecting your situation onto mine.


I admit I am. I feel desperate and hurt. I not sure if I'm rationalizing things by telling myself, if I can't save mine maybe I can another or if she is able to give it a chance my W will as well. I'm sorry its unfair to you. 



soulconnection said:


> I am not a cold, heartless b****, but I sure do sound like one to my H right now since I'm not wanting to give any false hope.


If you were cold and heartless you wouldnt be posting here and he would be dead with you walking away free with a good cover up story. You wouldnt be feeling pain and seeking counsel and hurting over the situation. 



soulconnection said:


> I hate making him feel this way but I feel a bit forced to do it again and again. He is doing what it seems like you are doing (to your W and almost to me in these posts, ha!), which is kind of like this love interrogation thing. PRESSURE. This HAS to work-I will MAKE it work (ignoring the feelings that I'm feeling, which is he didn't make it work or we wouldn't be here)! Being overly hopeful when I am saying that I am sadly done. Telling me all of the wonderful changes he 100% is going to make when he couldn't even change the 1 largest problem, let alone the many small problems, before now (though he always said he was going to change them all).


Its human nature to fix a problem. If it doesnt work it just means we have to try harder. Thats something I picked up from divorce remedy. We rarely realize that if it didnt work before we have to try something different. I think the main difference is I'm working on my issues myself. 



soulconnection said:


> Did your wife warn you? Did she give you many chances? No disrespect, but when you push someone away for long enough and make plenty of empty promises (or many lies, by my husband) eventually your wife is going to have to draw the line. And once that line is drawn the respect and love is often gone.


Did my W tell me about my actions? She did but didnt mention how bad my actions such as lack of trust hurt her. She never told me how unhappy she was and that she was debating about divorce. I wish I would have gotten the "if this doenst change i'm out" talk. Her friends knew more about her being upset than me cause I was totally blindsided. Never told me that she felt like she was losing her identity, that we're just two different people, or that we just werent compatible. She admits that it wasnt fair that she didnt tell me any of this. 

I did try to make our relationship work before this situation but I tried the wrong way. I did things that I would make me feel appreciated. I never validated her as a person and meet her emotional needs. I take signs of appreciation and feel loved when someone helps me with chores, glass of water when I'm sweating mowing the lawn, etc. She feels loved when I listen to her talk about her day, tell her she's beautiful when she is not wearing makeup, etc. 

My relationship is different cause our main problem was her lack of communication and my trust issues combined with her lost of identity. We shared chores, we had sex, we went on date night. I just didnt tell or show her I loved her in a way that made her feel special. I didnt listen to her stories about her day or was excited during xmas dinner with the inlaws. I know I can change these behaviors easily. I know now how to make my W feel special and if she lets me I would. I learned before the news was dropped that I was just running thru the motion and didnt realize how important these things were to her. I was just what I thought a husband was supposed to be and not there to fulfill her emotional needs. 

I plan on fixing my insecurity issues with a counselor not for her but for my future relationship, if its with her or someone else.


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## soulconnection (Jul 10, 2013)

*BREATHE* No really, I just did a HUGE breath. (that's for myself and all of us!!!)

I was concerned that I came off more frustrated that I was in my post but felt good after seeing both of your responses. Man, this separation/divorce crap is unreal. The pain we sit in and/or the pain we have caused during the marriage and then now. 

It sure does suck 

Dropped, I'm sorry that you were neven given the "fix this or I'm out talk." Really sorry.


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## JustGotDroppedABomshell (Aug 24, 2013)

I'm sorry that you've had to resort to using that line time and time again.

A little bit of explanation from both parties can really enlighten everybody about what's going on. 

For your sake I hope your husband is feeling how I feel. I know what broke our marriage and I can fix them. I know I can and will. They're small behavior changes that can bring about a happier more fulfilling marriage. I can be what she wants because she is pretty much what I want.My counseling to fix my problems. I know I have to do that before the years of resentment can slowly fade away.

I just don't know how to show her that if she just stop building a wall around herself I can make her feel special.
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## JustGotDroppedABomshell (Aug 24, 2013)

A bit of perspectives please. If your husband did something totally radical would that make a difference?

When she gets sick I would always ask that she go to the room to not get me or our son sick. This caused fights cause she didn't like that. Yesterday she got sick so I made her some soup, ice cream for her throat, and said "I don't want to stress you out with me being here so I'll go for a jog so you can watch TV and relax before bed".

Today I told her that I understand her lost of identity and bought her paint supplies and an easel. I just asked that when she paints something to please let me see it. 

Not sure if its too soon and she will dismiss it as a cheap ploy or a possible change of heart.
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## soulconnection (Jul 10, 2013)

JustGotDroppedABomshell said:


> A bit of perspectives please. If your husband did something totally radical would that make a difference?
> 
> When she gets sick I would always ask that she go to the room to not get me or our son sick. This caused fights cause she didn't like that. Yesterday she got sick so I made her some soup, ice cream for her throat, and said "I don't want to stress you out with me being here so I'll go for a jog so you can watch TV and relax before bed".
> 
> ...


Honestly? I think she will think "too little too late." It may even push her away even more. Did you already give it to her? If she was truly ready to divorce you you will need to back off. I'm not certain if complete 180 would work, and I'm not certain what would work, but if she's anything like myself she would think of your action as a band-aid and not a cure. However, she may not even be wanting the cure right now so it could even come off as suffocation IMO. 

As to your question about it being too soon, I say big time since you 2 are separated (and was on the divorce train until you talked her into separation). She did not say that she was wanting to currently work on the marriage.

Note: I do understand that your intentions are good; this is just my opinion as to how it may come across.


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## soulconnection (Jul 10, 2013)

JustGotDroppedABomshell said:


> A bit of perspectives please. If your husband did something totally radical would that make a difference?


No.

My feelings have changed, not just lack of love but lack of respect, and trust was gone a long time ago. For my marriage to work the changes would have to actually occur and I would somehow be able to accept and believe them. I don't believe he could truly make the necessary changes by his track record and if he magically could, I still don't think that I could turn this train around even if I tried. If I thought this could work I would have never said the word Divorce


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## JustGotDroppedABomshell (Aug 24, 2013)

Thanks for the insight. I might still be in denial that I can help open her eyes just a little. I did say that I was taking the time part to work on myself and that I know she needs the time apart as well. I fear that me moving out makes this my only chance to plant a seed before doing the textbook 180. I'm just worried that a 180 will only push her away cause all she wants is me to move on.
Thanks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

soulconnection said:


> No.
> 
> My feelings have changed, not just lack of love but lack of respect, and trust was gone a long time ago. For my marriage to work the changes would have to actually occur and I would somehow be able to accept and believe them. I don't believe he could truly make the necessary changes by his track record and if he magically could, I still don't think that I could turn this train around even if I tried. If I thought this could work I would have never said the word Divorce


What you might want to keep in mind is that feelings change all the time. I think this blog post says it quite well:

The Wisdom Of Keanu Reeves « A Woman's Guide to Women: A Blog for Men

You feel a certain way because of his behavior; if he changes, there's a very good chance that your feelings would change as well.

And is he really incapable of change, or are you trying to convince yourself of that to justify your decision?

(I'm not saying that you're wrong, I'm just asking the question.)


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## soulconnection (Jul 10, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> What you might want to keep in mind is that feelings change all the time. I think this blog post says it quite well:
> 
> The Wisdom Of Keanu Reeves « A Woman's Guide to Women: A Blog for Men
> 
> ...


I believe he is incapable of change because I've heard many, many times over the years that change is coming and it has never came. He's always "a new man." Some miracle has always let him see the light...for a few months....or weeks...or sometimes just days. Granted he hasn't always been faced with divorce but he's been faced with it since last December and it hasn't done anything. So yes, he's VERY SORRY (and I do believe that he is) and yes he totally sees his faults and he will NEVER take me for granted again....or watch/talk to webcam girls...and will cool his jets with the kids....and, well, it's all magically going to change. Trust me, I WANT to believe him, well, I sorta want to believe him. But at this point if I believed what he said then I would be considered naive


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

OK, just checking


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