# Father of my child still missing



## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

6 months post-separation, 1 month no contact. He had emailed me out of the blue with many apologies for his absence and how important our child was to him. He promised to send child support money this time. He sold me, I wanted so badly to believe him. I thought he was overcome with guilt and finally stepping up. 

He promised that the money would be sent on the 10th October. I waited and waited. Nothing. Emailed him, nothing. I wrote to him again, wishing him the best and hoping that he would step up and how much our daughter needs him. No reply either. 

After he got the photos, he uploaded them to Instagram (since deleting them the first time lol) so that he could happily lap up compliments from everyone about how cute she is, what a good dad he must be. Sigh.

I don't get it... how can someone walk away from their child without guilt? Without even trying? He wanted this child so bad when she was conceived. He was so excited. Now he's just a ghost in our lives.

6 months in, I am depressed but my daughter is thriving & happy so that's the most important. I miss him a lot and still love him. I keep to myself a lot & feel little to zero attraction towards the opposite sex now. I don't believe I will ever meet anyone again, it's hard to trust again. I just don't think it is worth it anymore. Neither do I think that anyone could ever love me. Any guy I've tried to talk to only wants sex anyway.

I finally applied for child support but still awaiting further updates. Am I fighting for a losing battle? Should I just give up on trying to preserve my daughter's relationship with her father? While I admit I contributed to the downfall of our marriage, I can't understand why he would be so uncaring towards her.... it is so painful.

How do I stop replaying the past either? Im always replaying the good times in my head or imagining scenarios & how I could have prevented my marriage from ending. If only I was nicer, sweeter, more sexual. I know I am being irrational, but I often blame myself for him leaving her. Maybe if I was good & he stayed, he would've watched her grow, he would've bonded with and love her.... IDK anymore, I guess I just want the secret to moving on and being happy again. I have tried really hard but I am honestly empty inside.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

what he is doing to you and your child is abandonment....no more waiting around, petition the court to have his salary garnished....no more buying into anything he says. Don't take his calls...get a lawyer and have him deal with them.


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## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

Lostinthought61 said:


> what he is doing to you and your child is abandonment....no more waiting around, petition the court to have his salary garnished....no more buying into anything he says. Don't take his calls...get a lawyer and have him deal with them.


Thank you, I wish it was easier. As a foreigner living the UK, I had to apply for a few things before I am eligible for child maintenance so I am just waiting on that now. I am also unemployed and still in university so I won't be able to afford an attorney.


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## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

Also how do I cope with being alone all the time? I am someone who loves being around people at all times so being alone most days is very terrifying. 

I feel suicidal a lot too, too often. Almost every other day. The only thing that stops me is my daughter. But sometimes I think she would be better off without a crazy unlovable mentally ill loser mother like myself. Perhaps it'd be better for me to die now while she's young so she will never remember me. Then again, I can't leave her. It feels like I am literally surviving day to day. 

I am in Scotland now so the waiting list for any psychiatric services can take months, if there is any point at all. A few years ago, I was referred to the local mental hospital here & told the nurse I was depressed & very suicidal. She took down notes & was informed that the psychiatrist would contact me in due time.... none. Same thing with the GP. Basically mental health is extremely neglected here, thanks NHS.

I need help PLEASE   I have zero family or support system here. I need tips & tricks from those who know how to deal with their emotions and fight this stupid depression. I really forgot what being happy feels like


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What country are you from? Could you possibly go back and get help from your family? of course if you leave where you are now, you will probably not be able to get any court ordered financial help from him.

Sadly, your husband has proven himself to not be a very good person.

I have some questions.

Are you still attending school?

Do you have any kind of financial support? How are you supporting yourself and your child?

Clearly, your isolation is causing you problems. Building a support system for yourself is important, it might take time but you need to get started. 

One of the ways to do this is to get out there. You might want to take a look at meetup.com to see if there are any groups near where you live that you might be able to join. In some places they have meetups for mothers and children. You could take your child and meet other moms. As your child gets older, she will have playmates when you go to the meetup. If there are not meetups of this type, you could always start one. Here's the link for meetups in Ireland https://www.meetup.com/cities/ie/

Is there a community of people from your native country where you live? Maybe you could go meet some of them. You need to reach out to people.


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## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> What country are you from? Could you possibly go back and get help from your family? of course if you leave where you are now, you will probably not be able to get any court ordered financial help from him.
> 
> Sadly, your husband has proven himself to not be a very good person.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for that, you have no idea how appreciative I am, really needed some advice at the time. I am from Singapore. My education is funded by the government but my parents are supporting me with an allowance & accommodation. I have some savings kept for extra flights & such. Idk what I would do without them honestly.

Yes that must be it, the fact that I am in isolation. Is it normal to be feeling so down all the time alone? You seem to speak from experience, how did you get to a place where you were happy as a person? Did it take a long time, years? I will 100% be checking up meetup.com! So amazing how there are groups of people looking for company at all times. I've just created an account  I joined a parents society at my uni through facebook too!

I hope tomorrow will be better, many thanks for the kind words once again. Bless you! <3


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Sorry to hear your going through such a hard time.

Keep reaching out when in need. It always amazes me how the good people of the world seem to out number the bad and are willing help when needed.

Keep strong what don't kill you will make you stronger and your daughter will look back on how her mother was so strong to handle this and will learn how to be strong like you. Now thats something invaluable for a daughter to learn.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Louise McCann said:


> Thank you so much for that, you have no idea how appreciative I am, really needed some advice at the time. I am from Singapore. My education is funded by the government but my parents are supporting me with an allowance & accommodation. I have some savings kept for extra flights & such. Idk what I would do without them honestly.
> 
> Yes that must be it, the fact that I am in isolation. Is it normal to be feeling so down all the time alone? You seem to speak from experience, how did you get to a place where you were happy as a person? Did it take a long time, years? I will 100% be checking up meetup.com! So amazing how there are groups of people looking for company at all times. I've just created an account  I joined a parents society at my uni through facebook too!
> 
> I hope tomorrow will be better, many thanks for the kind words once again. Bless you! <3


Most people cannot handle isolation very well. Humans are social creatures and without social interaction we don't do very well. There are plenty of studies that show this.

And right now you are even more vulnerable to problems caused by isolation because of your marital breakup, the demands put on your by your new baby. Plus you are living away from your family and support system. Of course it makes you depressed and makes it hard for you to handle things. Most people would not do well in your situation. so don't be too hard on yourself. Instead work the solution.. which is go find other in a similar situation and make friends, build a support group. I'm glad that you joined a parent's society at the uni. Hopefully you will find friends and support there.

Right now you will do best to keep out friendships with other women since there are men who prey on women in vulnerable situations.

Have I been in similar situations? I've moved to live in places where I knew no one many times in my life. It can be hard. So I learned to seek out people to make friends with in safe places... like not bars, etc.

For example: I moved once when my son was 4 years old to a city where I knew no one. I was married at the time to a medical resident who was never home. So I was basically on my own. I put my son in a school and volunteered for the school board. That helped me meet all the parents and children. From there I was able to build a support system for my son and myself. I was wonderful. That's just one example of how to get out in the community and make friends.

When I retired in Jan 2016, I felt very isolated because all of my friends work full time still. I was the oldest person where I worked. IT was pretty depressing. A lot of people who retire say the same thing. It's like all the sudden their life stops and there is a huge void to fill. So I started two meetup groups for walking and a hobby of mine. With those meetup groups I met new people. Then I also joined a non-profit that does very good charity work here to help people in need. Now I have my old friends who I see when they can get out because they are busy working. Plus I have my new friends from the meetup groups and the charity. I'm so busy now with all of this that I don't have the time to feel down about life.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Most places in the UK have groups where mothers and babies/toddlers can go for friendship. Try googling things to do in your area and see what you can find. Many churches run such groups. 
A for the child maintenance, yes you must apply for it. He clearly isn't going to give it to you otherwise.


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## sadlyme (Nov 3, 2017)

I am going though almost the same situation. I am not perfect and tried hard to keep my marriage together because I believe that perople have to really work hard to keep things together and we have a baby. He just gave up.....I realized that I will get back on my feet again and be better off without him in my life. We hope that mothers and fathers put their anger aside and communicate and love their child/ren but you cannot make somebody be a parent. You only can do your best to raise you child and hopefully one day the other parent will come around. It is important NEVER to speak badly about the other parent to your children. One day they will ask and you will have to tell the truth but not so much that it will harbor anger or resentfulness by your child. 
I see that my husband is not a good fit for me and I look forward to finding somebody who will appreciate me for the person I am. We both deserve happiness, I'm going to run and get mine....don't let life pass you by without you getting yours too.


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