# Feeling unloved and unappreciated



## Some chick (Apr 24, 2014)

Good morning everyone. I'm currently struggling with feelings of being unloved and unappreciated in my marriage and I'm not sure how to fix them. This is a terrible way to feel.

Communication for my husband is a very difficult thing. He's admitted this. I on the other hand am an open book and I would say an above average communicator. You always know where you stand with me. I hate games and unsolved situations. If I have a problem in a relationship, I confront it right away in a level headed manner with the goal of solving it. My husband takes this as "being attacked" no matter how self aware I am of my words and tone. Communication between us is very difficult. My husband doesn't really show emotion and he admits that as well. 

During the week after work, we spend our time in separate rooms doing our own thing. We don't talk much. He used to be more affectionate with hugs and stuff but that has stopped. Another thing that's really bothering me is that I feel like I do a LOT in the scheme of our life, yet when I look at myself through his eyes, I don't see the good woman that I think I am. I work fulltime, keep the house clean, do all of his laundry perfect every weekend, I take care of our dogs, I keep our finances in order. I exercise before work at the butt crack of dawn 5 days a week so that I can stay in shape for him (and for myself too). I'm 5'4 and about 120lbs. I take care of myself. He says thank you for all of these things, but I'm starting to realize that he really never does anything to show his love or appreciation. I give hugs, I used to very regularly write love letters. I send sweet texts. I plan things that I think we will both enjoy so that we can continue to build and nurture our bond. Even so, most of the things that I try to get him to do, he says no to. He has very few interests and the ones that he does have are not things that we can really do together and bond over. I can't remember the last time he bought me flowers. He doesn't plan anything for us do to ever. He doesn't show his love or appreciation. Not verbally, not through acts of kindness, not physically, not at all. *His love language is mute.*

I went out of my way to have his family over for Thanksgiving. Nobody was making any plans and his mom is getting old and I know she's probably tired of entertaining. My family was out of town. So, I invited them here, planned weeks in advance, bought a special table cloth and made sure everything was immaculate and that they felt welcomed and loved. I don't even think he said thank you.


I'm really starting to feel like he puts zero effort into this marriage. He has it easier work wise as well. I work a pretty stressful corporate job and I commute 140 miles (total) every Monday in rush hour to one of the busiest cities in the world and 70 miles (total) Tues through Fri in rush hour. My husband works from home in our garage..has no commute.He's usually done with work by 3pm. I on the other hand am usually not home until 6ish. I feel like I give and give and give and he takes and takes.

I just feel like I give and give and do all of these wonderful things for him and all I get in return is silence. There's no effort. There's no emotion. There's nothing. He gives me nothing. And let me be clear- I am the easiest person in the world to please. Not demanding at all. For my birthday, I told him I wanted a love letter.. that's it. No gifts.. nothing extravagant. I just want to KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. No, I didn't get it. But let me make it very clear that the smallest hint of effort, love or emotion, would mean the world to me. I don't need the world on a silver platter, I just need SOMETHING other than ice from him.

Another example that makes me feel unloved is that I recently launched an Etsy store and I was super excited and passionate about the process of creating everything and getting it off the ground. Multiple times during this process, I went to him all excited to share an idea I came up with, or a piece of the puzzle that came together, and he brushed me off- completely deflated the wind in my sales. He was always either "too busy" (sitting on his butt on the bed on a laptop), or didn't really care. There were many times during the process that I tried to tell him things and he would completely zone out and it was so rude and hurtful. The last straw was where I was trying to tell him about this great idea for the store and I was talking for like 2 minutes straight and when I paused, he was staring blankly at a book shelf that has nothing to do with what I was talking about or my store and he said "how did this book shelf get so messy?' I almost burst into tears. 

I feel like partners should be supportive and interested to hear about things that their spouse is passionate about. I actually feel like I'm starting to become depressed over this. It's probably not healthy to let how your spouse makes you feel send you into a depression because it seems like that's placing too much importance on that in the scheme of your life, but I kind of can't help it. 

Last night I asked him if he loves me. He said yes of course. I asked if he still wants to be with me. He said yes. I asked him what he loves about me and he jokingly said "your ass." So he turned it into a joke. Getting thoughts or feelings out of this guy is like pulling teeth. I don't know how to change this, but something has got to give. I need more than this.

I just want to add this because I realized it after I wrote this. I feel like I want this to be a normal happy healthy balanced relationship so terribly, that for a while now I've been trying to go above and beyond and make sure that I'm putting a ton of effort in because maybe I somehow thought that if everything was perfect on my end, everything would be great period. But it obviously doesn't work that way. And now this is bad because resentment is building up. And I'm starting to feel like hey- I'm such a great wife to you- what do you bring to the table? The thing is, it's hard for me to not give 100% effort in things (my marriage included). So it's not like I can just start not trying. It would take more effort for me to not try than it does for me to try if that makes any sense.


----------



## IndianApple (Mar 27, 2016)

Does he have sex with you ?

Last night I asked him if he loves me. He said yes of course. I asked if he still wants to be with me. He said yes. I asked him what he loves about me and he jokingly said "your ass." So he turned it into a joke. Getting thoughts or feelings out of this guy is like pulling teeth. I don't know how to change this, but something has got to give. I need more than this.[

Your above statement indicates he really love your butts and you feel he said just jokingly, but he said from the bottom of his heart.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## IndianApple (Mar 27, 2016)

Husbands do change from time to time and vice-versa. I would not suggest you to doubt him about having any extra marital affair. But if you really feel it that way, then start hunting..

Hugging and kissing become irrelevant if you dont do it from your heart. Have you ever tried kissing his lips lately ? Try it out to see if he has got the same affection he had few years ago.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

By your description, you do most of the work in the home and outside of the home.

He has so little asked of him; that he's slowing all the way down.

He might not feel very important; that you don't need him.

Let me ask you this: if you didn't do the dishes, or keep the laundry up, or do the checking account; would he step up and be willing to do those things?

Can you work fewer hours; and can he work more.

Perhaps you need to show him, really make it clear, that you don't want this much responsibility. Let him know you are disappointed and burnt out.


----------



## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

What are your ages?
How long have you been married?
Any children?
Was he like this years ago?


----------



## Some chick (Apr 24, 2014)

There is definitely no affair. Not a chance. He would never do that and I am way too observant to not pick up on it. He is many things, but a cheater is far from one of them.


----------



## Some chick (Apr 24, 2014)

IndianApple said:


> Husbands do change from time to time and vice-versa. I would not suggest you to doubt him about having any extra marital affair. But if you really feel it that way, then start hunting..
> 
> Hugging and kissing become irrelevant if you dont do it from your heart. Have you ever tried kissing his lips lately ? Try it out to see if he has got the same affection he had few years ago.
> 
> ...


We haven't been having sex as much because I feel no emotional connection. This isn't something I am purposely withholding or being spiteful about. Trust me when I say that I want to do everything in my power to make this relationship work. But there have to be limits also to how much I can give without receiving anything in return. I am currently not at all interested in the idea of sex because we've done nothing to nurture a relationship outside of the bedroom and for me the two go hand in hand. Sex for me is as emotional as it is physical and I feel no desire to have sex with someone that doesn't even have an interest in hearing my passions or have a conversation with me. He doesn't ask about my day (yes I ask about his, but I'm starting to stop because it's too one sided). He doesn't seem to care about emotions derived from my day, etc. I don't think jumping in bed and spreading my legs for my husband is going to solve all of our problems. If anything, it will make me feel more resentful. 

But quite frankly, all of that being said, if he actually voiced a want or need for something and it were sex- I'd take one for the team and give it to him. That won't happen though because he doesn't communicate enough to ask for things like that. He does not use his words. I'm not going to give EVEN MORE by initiating sex with him. But if he asks for it, sure I'll do it a few times to see if it improves things. Make no mistake though, I will not enjoy it- it would only be an effort to improve our relationship. For me to enjoy sex, there has to be an emotional connection first...which we are currently losing at an alarming pace.


----------



## Some chick (Apr 24, 2014)

VeryHurt said:


> What are your ages?
> How long have you been married?
> Any children?
> Was he like this years ago?


I am 31 and he is 42.
Married for 5 years in January.
We do not have any children.
He has always been like this to a certain extent, but not to THIS extent. Things were never a fairy tale, but they used to be better than this. I was content with how they were. I didn't feel unloved the way I currently do. It has gotten worse. For an example- we never had deep meaningful conversations- never. But he used to at least ask how my day was and I could tell he cared about the answer.


----------



## Some chick (Apr 24, 2014)

I quoted the wrong reply in my response. Sorry about that. My response was for the person who asked about sex.


----------



## IndianApple (Mar 27, 2016)

Some chick said:


> I am 31 and he is 42.
> Married for 5 years in January.
> We do not have any children.
> He has always been like this to a certain extent, but not to THIS extent. Things were never a fairy tale, but they used to be better than this. I was content with how they were. I didn't feel unloved the way I currently do. It has gotten worse. For an example- we never had deep meaningful conversations- never. But he used to at least ask how my day was and I could tell he cared about the answer.




It is his shear loss if he cannot value your feelings and emotions. 

You were / are still striving hard to maintain this relationship , but he is not. 

May be, he is taking you for granted. You cannot clap with only one hand... there has to be equal reciprocation from both sides to make this thing work.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## IndianApple (Mar 27, 2016)

I wish if i really have had a wife like you ... 

My wife is just like your husband ...

We are in the process for divorce but she need a fortune which I never had ...

My apologies to talk about myself in this post, but i just got emotional ... 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Is what you are getting out of this worth what you are putting into this?


----------



## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Gosh, I'm stuck on this one because you've only been married 5 years. 
Was he verbal and enthusiastic when you were dating?
Was he ever that much different than he is now?


----------



## Some chick (Apr 24, 2014)

notmyrealname4 said:


> By your description, you do most of the work in the home and outside of the home.
> 
> He has so little asked of him; that he's slowing all the way down.
> 
> ...


He would probably do them but be angry in the process and show it. He would not show it by using his words and stating that he is angry, but instead he would slam things purposely loud while putting away the dishes, or sigh a lot while feeding the dogs. The laundry he would probably let pile up until his very last sock. I cannot possibly picture him doing laundry. I don't really want to play games. I don't even mind so much about all that I do- I just want to feel like he recognizes it and appreciates it. And I want him to put forth effort too- not neccesarily by helping with the chores, but maybe put some effort into learning to communicate better, trying to figure out why he doesn't care about anything that comes out of my mouth, etc.

I can't work less hours because 40 hours is standard in my office position.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Sorry you are here.

Some people are marriage material.

You are marriage material.

He is not. His material is threadbare....wet newspaper. Stuff for the bottom of the birdcage.

He is passively trying to avoid marriage, passively trying to get YOU to get HIM an annulment.

Rather than stepping up to the plate, and swinging for all he's worth, he is bunting, letting his legs
do the work, not his arms or his back. You are a sacrificial lamb to him. He needs to shape up or move out.

He won't do this. He is waiting on YOU. Nothing new here, Eh?

Please leave this man. Oh, do not have an affair to prove your worth. 

You are worth a lot. An affair will indeed prove this notion, but only temporarily. 

The minute you go this route [your net worth] will fall through the smallest hole of that mesh {mess}. Then, your marriage worthiness will go to zero...forever in the eyes of those who care.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Some chick said:


> He would probably do them but be angry in the process and show it. He would not show it by using his words and stating that he is angry, but instead he would slam things purposely loud while putting away the dishes, or sigh a lot while feeding the dogs. The laundry he would probably let pile up until his very last sock. I cannot possibly picture him doing laundry. I don't really want to play games. I don't even mind so much about all that I do- I just want to feel like he recognizes it and appreciates it. And I want him to put forth effort too- not neccesarily by helping with the chores, but maybe put some effort into learning to communicate better, trying to figure out why he doesn't care about anything that comes out of my mouth, etc.
> 
> I can't work less hours because 40 hours is standard in my office position.


So not only is he neglectful, he is passive-aggressive, too.

Why are you staying in this marriage again?


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Some chick said:


> Another thing that's really bothering me is that I feel like I do a LOT in the scheme of our life, yet when I look at myself through his eyes, I don't see the good woman that I think I am. I work fulltime, keep the house clean, do all of his laundry perfect every weekend, I take care of our dogs, I keep our finances in order. I exercise before work at the butt crack of dawn 5 days a week so that I can stay in shape for him (and for myself too). I'm 5'4 and about 120lbs.


Yet *another* case of the woman working her ass off outside the home as well as inside the home while her lazy ass husband thinks he's too damned good to do his share.

There are a lot of them out there, Some Chick. I laugh every time one of them is ignorant enough to act as though they're doing some woman a huge 'favor' by marrying her when in reality, it just means a life of servitude for the woman.

I see absolutely ZERO advantages to you being married to this man. *Zero*. He brings *nothing* to the table. You knock yourself out day after day after day giving HIM a quality life while Mr Self Entitled does absolutely *NOTHING* and is more than happy to sit back while you do it all.



> He says thank you for all of these things....


LOL. That _almost_ makes working your fingers to the bone for NOTHING in return - on a daily basis - worth it.

Not.

Honestly, all you are to him is a 2nd paycheck, his 'mommy' who cooks for him, cleans for him, does his laundry, scrubs his toilet, does the food shopping, keeps all the finances in order, and does every other thing on earth for him while he thinks he's living in some grand hotel where his every need is catered to.



> I'm really starting to feel like he puts zero effort into this marriage. He has it easier work wise as well. I work a pretty stressful corporate job and I commute 140 miles (total) every Monday in rush hour to one of the busiest cities in the world and 70 miles (total) Tues through Fri in rush hour. My husband works from home in our garage..has no commute.He's usually done with work by 3pm. I on the other hand am usually not home until 6ish. I feel like I give and give and give and he takes and takes.


Again - not surprised at all. The more you do, the more he expects. I'm surprised he doesn't expect you to chew his damned food for him or wipe his ass. Those are probably the only 2 things *left* that he _does_ do for himself. 



> I just feel like I give and give and do all of these wonderful things for him and all I get in return is silence. There's no effort. There's no emotion. There's nothing. He gives me nothing. And let me be clear- I am the easiest person in the world to please. Not demanding at all. For my birthday, I told him I wanted a love letter.. that's it. No gifts.. nothing extravagant. I just want to KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. No, I didn't get it. But let me make it very clear that the smallest hint of effort, love or emotion, would mean the world to me. I don't need the world on a silver platter, I just need SOMETHING other than ice from him.


He's SHOWN you who he is Some Chick. Why don't you believe him?



> Another example that makes me feel unloved is that I recently launched an Etsy store and I was super excited and passionate about the process of creating everything and getting it off the ground. Multiple times during this process, I went to him all excited to share an idea I came up with, or a piece of the puzzle that came together, and he brushed me off- completely deflated the wind in my sales. He was always either "too busy" (sitting on his butt on the bed on a laptop), or didn't really care. There were many times during the process that I tried to tell him things and he would completely zone out and it was so rude and hurtful. The last straw was where I was trying to tell him about this great idea for the store and I was talking for like 2 minutes straight and when I paused, he was staring blankly at a book shelf that has nothing to do with what I was talking about or my store and he said "how did this book shelf get so messy?' I almost burst into tears.


And I repeat - he brings *NOTHING* to the table. Nothing.



> Last night I asked him if he loves me. He said yes of course. I asked if he still wants to be with me. He said yes. I asked him what he loves about me and he jokingly said "your ass." So he turned it into a joke. Getting thoughts or feelings out of this guy is like pulling teeth. I don't know how to change this, but something has got to give. I need more than this.


Why wouldn't he? You tend to his every need and he has to do nothing in return. Why WOULD he give that up? Hell, *I* want that.



> I just want to add this because I realized it after I wrote this. I feel like I want this to be a normal happy healthy balanced relationship so terribly, that for a while now I've been trying to go above and beyond and make sure that I'm putting a ton of effort in because maybe I somehow thought that if everything was perfect on my end, everything would be great period. But it obviously doesn't work that way. And now this is bad because resentment is building up. And I'm starting to feel like hey- I'm such a great wife to you- what do you bring to the table? The thing is, it's hard for me to not give 100% effort in things (my marriage included). So it's not like I can just start not trying. It would take more effort for me to not try than it does for me to try if that makes any sense.


He's SHOWN you who he is Some Chick. Why don't you believe him?

It sounds as though his love language is 'uncaring, apathetic and lazy.'

Continue giving him an *undeserved* 200% while he barely chokes up 10% in return, and you'll REALLY see what resentment is.:grin2:

Honestly? I'd give him 6 months to get his sh*t together and turn himself around or I'd be leaving. Life is too damned short to waste catering to men like this.


----------



## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

OP, I feel bad reading your first post because many of the complaints you have about your husband, I have heard it from my wife. I would hope, but my wife will have to confirm this, I am not as bad as him. Certainly the sex is good for us because I have been able to connect emotionally with her.

Like you my wife is an open book. But she has also expressed her anger very effectively. It has really been a blessing for me. It has forced me to get out of my world and visit her world of emotions. I am still very uncomfortable with it, but I try and I know my wife appreciates it.

So please keep expressing yourself and do not feel bad to put pressure on him. It is his issue not yours. When he realizes he can unleash your sexual power by meeting your emotional needs, he will be upset at himself to have wasted so much time.

I hope he can wake up. 

Can you show him this thread?


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Totally agree with SSGI. Countless men like this. I would say it is the majority.

But you do not have to put up with it! Value yourself, girl!


----------



## IndianApple (Mar 27, 2016)

Duguesclin said:


> OP, I feel bad reading your first post because many of the complaints you have about your husband, I have heard it from my wife. I would hope, but my wife will have to confirm this, I am not as bad as him. Certainly the sex is good for us because I have been able to connect emotionally with her.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




He might not like you showing this thread because he will surely ask you the reason to take advice from strangers...


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Duguesclin said:


> OP, I feel bad reading your first post because many of the complaints you have about your husband, I have heard it from my wife. I would hope, but my wife will have to confirm this, I am not as bad as him. Certainly the sex is good for us because I have been able to connect emotionally with her.
> 
> Like you my wife is an open book. But she has also expressed her anger very effectively. It has really been a blessing for me. It has forced me to get out of my world and visit her world of emotions. I am still very uncomfortable with it, but I try and I know my wife appreciates it.
> 
> ...


You are not passive-aggressive, and you certainly help around the house. But you do take me for granted. That is something to guard against.

And you do not expect me to provide income in addition to having the kids. That is a major point in your favor.


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Job wise, you commute a long distance into the city each day. He works from home? Is his job something he could theoretically do anywhere? Could you either find work closer to home or find a home closer to work? This is just general suggestion, while this situation isn't ideal, it isn't the root of your problem.

I agree with the others- he doesn't seem to bring much to the table. He's a bit older than you - is this his first marriage?

Have you tried communicating your needs to him? (Emotional, financial, household). Meaning straight out coming out and addressing directly.

Hubby, I need X Y And Z out of you. I can't force you to give me X Y and Z but if I see no effort by you to get these in the next few months we will begin to think about separation.


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

He sounds like my paternal grandfather. It was like reading my grandma describing him.

What I say now is not meant to hurt you....just food for thought,

You say he was always this way, but he used to at least ask about your day. Yet, you picked him and married him.
This is him. You are you. The two personalities don't work well together. May I ask what about him caused you to fall in love with him and marry him? 

My Grandparents lived and died married fifty + miserable years.


----------



## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

My husband was like yours in the way that affection was minimal. He would hardly ever say I love you, do romantic things for me, no thoughtful gifts...etc They only difference was my husband did 50 Percent of the house work, child rearing.. Etc 
I have asked my husband over the years for more affection, asked if he loved me.. All I ever got was I'm not a romantic guy...

It wasn't untill I fixed our sex life that he changed. When I started desiring and pursuing him sexually, he changed. Men take sexual rejecting hard, and for them having sex is important, as it should be too for the wife. It's one of the ways you bond with your spouse. 

My husband was subconsciously withholding the affection I needed because I was not giving him what he needed, a healthy active sex life with a wife that enjoys, wants and craves sex with her husband.

I would improve your sex life first, then start to ask again for the emotional things you want.

All the best.. 


Sent from my D2206 using Tapatalk


----------



## IndianApple (Mar 27, 2016)

Daisy12 said:


> My husband was like yours in the way that affection was minimal. He would hardly ever say I love you, do romantic things for me, no thoughtful gifts...etc They only difference was my husband did 50 Percent of the house work, child rearing.. Etc
> I have asked my husband over the years for more affection, asked if he loved me.. All I ever got was I'm not a romantic guy...
> 
> It wasn't untill I fixed our sex life that he changed. When I started desiring and pursuing him sexually, he changed. Men take sexual rejecting hard, and for them having sex is important, as it should be too for the wife. It's one of the ways you bond with your spouse.
> ...




I truly agree with her ...

Try the sex trick and it might give you wonders.

Men always go weak with blowjobs... so give him blowjobs all of a sudden when he wasnt prepared and never even dreamt about this scenario with you ...


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## IndianApple (Mar 27, 2016)

I am aware OP is emotionally inclined so she cannot think about sex at the moment ... but this time, OP should be emotional enough to give him blowjobs even though he would deny in the first place...

Just keep telling him,"i need to give you blowjobs really hard... i am dying for it ..."
He might deny verbally but force him to lay down and just go ahead to quench your thirst .... 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Some chick (Apr 24, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> Sorry you are here.
> 
> Some people are marriage material.
> 
> ...


I think you are onto something where you say he is trying to avoid the marriage. That's actually a great way to describe it and I never thought of it like that. He's not doing anything detrimentally bad like not coming home at night, screaming at me, being abusive, cheating, etc. But he is doing nothing at all which in its is very hurtful. 

I just wish I understood why he is like this and what I can do to change it. We don't have many friends or do very much besides working and staying home. I've asked him if he's depressed and he says no. One word answer. Yesterday I asked him if there was anything in his life that could happen to make him happier. He said no. So I said " so you are as happy as you can possibly be? Surely there has to be something. Happiness isn't black and white and certain things can contribute to it and take it away". And his response was "that's why you'll never be happy." At that point I felt the conversation took a slightly combatitive turn and it ended there. 

I don't want to leave, but my reasons for why I don't want to leave are probably not the greatest and would most likely look silly and or weak to outsiders looking in. Although I suppose reasons for something like that are highly relative and it's probably more important what the person who feels them feels about them than the people looking in from the outside. If that makes any sense.

And no chance of an affair. I don't have that in me, on many different levels.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

He is not invested in your marriage.

Why? Is he bidding his time? Waiting for what?

Does he have something up his short sleeve?

Or is he mentally lazy? A drone in a house with a Queen of a Wife.

Something is not right. Check again, make sure he is not having an affair....or has recently come out of one.

He does sound depressed. He sounds awfully complacent [given up]. Maybe he is beaten down. By life, by you....this is not a ding on you. He may only respond to coddling. He may want a Momma, not a real wife.


----------



## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

IndianApple said:


> I am aware OP is emotionally inclined so she cannot think about sex at the moment ... but this time, OP should be emotional enough to give him blowjobs even though he would deny in the first place...
> 
> Just keep telling him,"i need to give you blowjobs really hard... i am dying for it ..."
> *He might deny verbally but force him to lay down and just go ahead to quench your thirst* ....


That would be sexual assault.


----------



## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Some chick said:


> I think you are onto something where you say he is trying to avoid the marriage. That's actually a great way to describe it and I never thought of it like that. He's not doing anything detrimentally bad like not coming home at night, screaming at me, being abusive, cheating, etc. But he is doing nothing at all which in its is very hurtful.
> 
> I just wish I understood why he is like this and what I can do to change it. We don't have many friends or do very much besides working and staying home. I've asked him if he's depressed and he says no. One word answer. Yesterday I asked him if there was anything in his life that could happen to make him happier. He said no. So I said " so you are as happy as you can possibly be? Surely there has to be something. Happiness isn't black and white and certain things can contribute to it and take it away". And his response was "that's why you'll never be happy." At that point I felt the conversation took a slightly combatitive turn and it ended there.
> 
> I don't want to leave, but my reasons for why I don't want to leave are probably not the greatest and would most likely look silly and or weak to outsiders looking in. Although I suppose reasons for something like that are highly relative and it's probably more important what the person who feels them feels about them than the people looking in from the outside. If that makes any sense.


I am not sure that he's avoiding the marriage. I think he's quite content with the status quo, from the sounds of it, and doesn't understand that you are not. He's got a clean house, full belly and clean clothes, along with work and hobbies he seems to enjoy. He may feel it's perfectly normal for the household to be maintained by the woman and not realize how much work that entails. Has he ever lived independently and looked after a house or did he move from his mom's care into yours?

You are in the trap of being too busy acting like his mother to feel like being his lover.

As for the sex/emotion circle, that's a classic to try to break out of. Without sex, he doesn't feel emotionally connected to you, so he doesn't provide the affection you need. Without affection, you don't feel any sexual connection, so you don't initiate sex. One of you has to break that vicious circle, and by default, it's got to be the person who realizes it's there.

You do need to understand that you can't change him. You can't fix him. You stay because you love the idea of him reaching the full potential you believe he has in him, but you can't do the work for him. He has to do it himself. He can't do it if he doesn't understand it's necessary, and even then, he may prefer divorce to doing all that hard work to change himself.

Being emotionally starved is a perfectly valid reason for leaving a marriage. If you care what outsiders think, just explain that you were being treated like an unpaid live-in housekeeper, not a wife and partner.


----------



## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

@She'sStillGotIt is right... believe the person he has show you to be.

If we won't make the effort to see ourself and where our responsibilities in a relationship lie, others can not do it for us.

If he cannot give, he will most assuredly learn that lesson with loss...


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I would show him this thread, nothing more. Then sit back and watch his actions.

Women lose a lot by trying too hard, OP.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Some chick said:


> There is definitely no affair. Not a chance. He would never do that and I am way too observant to not pick up on it. He is many things, but a cheater is far from one of them.


But he i*s* cheating you out of a meaningful marriage.

Have you considered couple's counselling?

He gives you nothing.

Has he always been like this?

Is he depressed?

Maybe he is cheating on you?


----------



## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

Your husband sounds a lot like mine. He is apathetic. I used to get so angry at his passivity that it caused me to be depressed. I also thought that he's just not the cheating kind because he's so passive. Lord and behold, he was cheating with my SIL . At first, he didn't take responsibility for this because she approached him and the fact that he more or less went with the flow and didn't really make a decision that somehow absolved him of responsibility. I had to force him to see him not making a decision is his decision and he's still is responsible for his choice of not saying no means you're saying yes.
What I've learned is to demand your say in the relationship. His interactions with me has changed who I am especially after the affair. I no longer give of myself to him like saying I love you, sending sexy text because he wasn't appreciating those form of communication. One thing I did find interesting I think it was by reading Five love language, I was loving him the way I wanted him to love me. My love language is word affiliation but his act of service. The fact that he maintains our cars, appliances, or other man stuff is how he tells me that he cares but I need words,and romantic gestures from him to feel his love which I had to tell him. For him, keeping the house clean, making his favorite meals and act of service is his live language. I had to discover that about him because he doesn't communicate verbally with me neither. I'm not saying that is what is going on in your relationship but just a thought. Read the five love language, it's interesting but you should not take his apathy demand he checks in or you'll find a way to check out. 

Sent from my SM-N910T using Tapatalk


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

maritalloneliness said:


> My love language is word affiliation but his act of service. The fact that he maintains our cars, appliances, or other man stuff is how he tells me that he cares but I need words,and romantic gestures from him to feel his love which I had to tell him. For him, keeping the house clean, making his favorite meals and act of service is his live language.


This is us, too. Though, for my husband, it is my willingness to be a sahm to the children he dearly wanted, while he pursues his career, that is his love language.

I ask when I need verbal affirmation. I wish he would do it more on his own. But since he does not need it, he does not think to give it.

When he does think of it on his own, it sure makes an impression.


----------



## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

jld said:


> This is us, too. Though, for my husband, it is my willingness to be a sahm to the children he dearly wanted, while he pursues his career, that is his love language.
> 
> I ask when I need verbal affirmation. I wish he would do it more on his own. But since he does not need it, he does not think to give it.
> 
> When he does think of it on his own, it sure makes an impression.


 I think a lot of the times that the society tells us that our partners supposed to know who we are and what we want without us verbalizing this to them and it's far from the truth. I found that being in a long-term relationship you have to let your partner know how you are changing and how you are feeling because definitely as people we evolved and changed. this can be very hard in a relationship with someone who doesn't communicate well their feelings and that has been the source of frustration for me and my marriage and we're going on 20 years so it's been quite challenging but at least my husband is attempting to make a change and I no longer allow him to shy away from not communicating .for me it's really an irritating place to be because it feels like I'm always poking at him to share his feelings and I'm finding out that I have to be almost a private investigator to read his non-verbal cues so I could at least attempt to know where he's coming from and majority of the time he gets tired with me wanting to investigate him but then I keep telling him if he doesn't express what he's feeling I'm left wondering and guessing. Wondering all the time, I'm wrong so I have no way of knowing exactly what he's feeling.

Sent from my SM-N910T using Tapatalk


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

maritalloneliness said:


> I think a lot of the times that the society tells us that our partners supposed to know who we are and what we want without us verbalizing this to them and it's far from the truth. I found that being in a long-term relationship you have to let your partner know how you are changing and how you are feeling because definitely as people we evolved and changed. this can be very hard in a relationship with someone who doesn't communicate well their feelings and that has been the source of frustration for me and my marriage and we're going on 20 years so it's been quite challenging but at least my husband is attempting to make a change and I no longer allow him to shy away from not communicating .for me it's really an irritating place to be because it feels like I'm always poking at him to share his feelings and I'm finding out that I have to be almost a private investigator to read his non-verbal cues so I could at least attempt to know where he's coming from and majority of the time he gets tired with me wanting to investigate him but then I keep telling him if he doesn't express what he's feeling I'm left wondering and guessing. Wondering all the time, I'm wrong so I have no way of knowing exactly what he's feeling.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910T using Tapatalk


You are nicer than I am. I don't worry much about his feelings. I do want him paying attention to mine, though.

Does he make any effort to find out your thoughts and feelings? Or do you always have to go to him with them?


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I'm not blaming you for the situation you find yourself in, but I'm wondering how things (especially sex) was leading up to this. You work a stressful job, long commute, working on a new store set-up... is it possible that it was YOU who abandoned the marriage before this and this is the reaction you're now getting?

Could he be doing the 180 in response to something you did leading up to this?

Again, I'm not saying you're to blame but when you look at marriages that are starting to fail, a lot of times you see something like a slight that is taken the wrong way, "rewarded" with resentment, which triggers distance and eventually you have a marriage in crisis.

And if he doesn't want to communicate then it's your job to do all the talking. I used to like to get my wife in the car and drive so she couldn't "escape" a difficult discussion, even though the "discussion" was usually one-sided.


----------



## IndianApple (Mar 27, 2016)

There is this wonderful wife (OP) and on the other side is her husband who care a damn for her. She has all other ways to quit this relationship, but she still have hopes to get it resolved. Hatts off to you dear 

Getting divorce is not a solution, everytime.... but you truly need respect, caring and love... which your husband never understand !!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Some chick said:


> He would probably do them but be angry in the process and show it. He would not show it by using his words and stating that he is angry, but instead he would slam things purposely loud while putting away the dishes, or sigh a lot while feeding the dogs. The laundry he would probably let pile up until his very last sock. I cannot possibly picture him doing laundry. I don't really want to play games. I don't even mind so much about all that I do- I just want to feel like he recognizes it and appreciates it. And I want him to put forth effort too- not neccesarily by helping with the chores, but maybe put some effort into learning to communicate better, trying to figure out why he doesn't care about anything that comes out of my mouth, etc..


So you took on all the household duties...to avoid confrontation? 

Address that first. In therapy (for just you) maybe. Are you like this with anyone else? Does he only slam doors or is he passive aggressive? 

Have you read His Needs Her Needs? It will explain how your marriage is SUPPOSED to work. My H wouldn't participate either. I started taking that book with me when we'd be in the car and then I'd read passages out loud to him. He can't unhear that stuff. I'm sure your H has no idea that a marriage is give and take and doesn't understand he is Love Busting you (making you unhappy). 

Most importantly, you have to take a stand. He's clearly willing to USE you as a surrogate mother (take care of him). Many men are. So it's up to you to say "I'm not doing this anymore."

I once - upon my therapist's advice - asked my husband to take just ONE chore off my hands, so I wouldn't have a nervous breakdown. He refused! So I stewed on it for awhile; then I decided I'd have to do it for myself, pick one thing to stop doing. So I stopped doing his laundry. When he finally ran out of clothes and started cussing me out, I just shrugged and said "I ASKED you to help with even ONE chore in this house and you refused; so I took a chore off my list. You want me to do your laundry? Step up and be a decent partner" and I walked away. I caught him later fixing something I'd asked him to fix months ago; so I did one load of laundry; he then did another chore; so I did another load of laundry. And on it went. To this day, he knows if he doesn't step up, his laundry doesn't get done.

That is on YOU. You have to be willing to face his anger.


----------



## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

jld said:


> You are nicer than I am. I don't worry much about his feelings. I do want him paying attention to mine, though.
> 
> Does he make any effort to find out your thoughts and feelings? Or do you always have to go to him with them?


I'm very open and I express myself emotions verbally a lot. I can't seem to keep quiet about them. At this point in my life, I don't want to play games. I've been married to him for 20 years and I hope he can say that he knows who I am without pretense. I can't s as you the same about knowing him. 

Sent from my SM-N910T using Tapatalk


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

maritalloneliness said:


> I'm very open and I express myself emotions verbally a lot. I can't seem to keep quiet about them. At this point in my life, I don't want to play games. I've been married to him for 20 years and I hope he can say that he knows who I am without pretense. I can't s as you the same about knowing him.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910T using Tapatalk


You are right to be transparent. Maybe someday he will be.


----------



## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

jld said:


> You are right to be transparent. Maybe someday he will be.


I'm hoping right. It is so complicated and I knew before we married that I didn't like the way we communicated that was one huge red flag for me that I ignored thinking it would get better but you know if the other person doesn't view this as a character flaw that they need to work on, it won't change. 

Sent from my SM-N910T using Tapatalk


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

maritalloneliness said:


> I'm hoping right. It is so complicated and I knew before we married that I didn't like the way we communicated that was one huge red flag for me that I ignored thinking it would get better but you know if the other person doesn't view this as a character flaw that they need to work on, it won't change.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910T using Tapatalk


Sadly, that is often true.


----------



## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> That would be sexual assault.


Please. I think it is likely that he's strong enough to fight off her advances, and men just wouldn't look at passionate attention from their wife as "rape". The point was that he'd be flattered by her strong desire for him, and it might reinvigorate his feelings of affection. Don't believe everything your angry Gender Studies professor told you.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Tatsuhiko said:


> Please. I think it is likely that he's strong enough to fight off her advances, and *men just wouldn't look at passionate attention from their wife as "rape".* The point was that he'd be flattered by her strong desire for him, and it might reinvigorate his feelings of affection. Don't believe everything your angry Gender Studies professor told you.


----------



## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Tatsuhiko said:


> Hopeful Cynic said:
> 
> 
> > IndianApple said:
> ...


How about believing people, of all genders, when they say 'no?' Not taking no for an answer is sexual assault.

Of course most men want passionate attention from their wives and don't consider it rape. Except when he says 'no' at which time 'forcing' it anyway becomes sexual assault.

His physical strength is irrelevant. He might be too shocked to react, he might worry that he could hurt her.

'No means no' and to encourage otherwise is to propagate rape culture. No rape victim, married or stranger, is 'flattered' by their rapists' strong desire.


----------



## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Your husband is emotionally unavailable and when you are not heard, supported and told/shown love & affection outside of the bedroom you longer have the connection emotionally yourself to give to your husband. Your post sounds much like I would have posted about the same time of marriage. I stayed in the disconnected state for years. I tried and tried and tried in every way to get my husband "into" the marriage but it was like pulling teeth. he did not want to be responsible for the kids or even interact, he was not interested in helping out and despite my asking if seemed if I said anything it just made him mad so I felt more and ore responsibility piling up in me to keep him happy. It really does not work that way. You have to stop taking on what he should be accountable for. If you are working outside of the home he needs to step up and do more inside of the home and you are the one that is going to have to say, "On nights I cook, could you do the dishes? and could you obligate yourself to cook at least 2 nights a week?" As far as communication, if he refuses to talk...let him be but do not make excuses for him. he has to be responsible for his own communication. If he hold you accountable because you did not please him due to his lack of communication you can say to him, "I am not responsible for your lack of communication. If you want to express something you are the one that needs to do that. I do not need to guess what it is that you need."


----------



## WayUpNorth (Dec 14, 2013)

Does he smoke pot? A lot of pot? Sounds like a friend of mine. He was so baked all the time he had no motivation. Wife wanted some things done that he refused to do. I suggested she cut him off until he cooperated. She then informed me that she had quit giving him sex several weeks earlier and he hadn't noticed yet.


----------



## jimrich (Sep 26, 2010)

In reading your post, I notice that you seem not to know how to ASK for what you want and also that you over do it (People Pleasing) in what I'd call a neurotic way perhaps to get approval or validation which might be turning him off.


Some chick said:


> Communication for my husband is a very difficult thing. He's admitted this.


Perhaps you need to get a counselor or a relationships book to help you LEARN HOW to communicate with him to get what you want in this union. Google: relationship tips or skills



> If I have a problem in a relationship, I confront it right away in a level headed manner with the goal of solving it.


OK, now use those skills to get what you want here.



> My husband takes this as "being attacked" no matter how self aware I am of my words and tone. Communication between us is very difficult. My husband doesn't really show emotion and he admits that as well.


I'd get busy LEARNING HOW to get through to him or leave him! 



> During the week after work, we spend our time in separate rooms doing our own thing. We don't talk much. He used to be more affectionate with hugs and stuff but that has stopped.


It "stops' when partners FAIL to use a few simple relationship skills to keep their love alive so google: relationship skills and begin using some simple ones with him.


> Another thing that's really bothering me is that I feel like I do a LOT in the scheme of our life, yet when I look at myself through his eyes, I don't see the good woman that I think I am.


You need marriage counseling to fix all these disconnections that have occurred there! If I were you, I would not do so much for someone who seems not to care.



> I work fulltime, keep the house clean, do all of his laundry perfect every weekend, I take care of our dogs, I keep our finances in order.


You're doing TOO MUCH! If this is a neurotic urge in you, it can irritate the partner.



> He says thank you for all of these things, but I'm starting to realize that he really never does anything to show his love or appreciation.


Then you have to specifically ASK FOR what you want!



> I give hugs, I used to very regularly write love letters. I send sweet texts. I plan things that I think we will both enjoy so that we can continue to build and nurture our bond. Even so, most of the things that I try to get him to do, he says no to. He has very few interests and the ones that he does have are not things that we can really do together and bond over.


I honestly do not see a "bond" there and wonder if there ever was one?



> I can't remember the last time he bought me flowers.


Tell him that you want some flowers!



> He doesn't plan anything for us do to ever. He doesn't show his love or appreciation. Not verbally, not through acts of kindness, not physically, not at all. *His love language is mute.*


I wouldn't live with such a person!



> I went out of my way to have his family over for Thanksgiving. Nobody was making any plans and his mom is getting old and I know she's probably tired of entertaining. My family was out of town. So, I invited them here, planned weeks in advance, bought a special table cloth and made sure everything was immaculate and that they felt welcomed and loved. I don't even think he said thank you.


I'd stop knocking myself out for others! It's called People Pleasing!
Well, your story just comes down to LEARNING HOW to get what you want in a marriage or life in general and many books and counselors can teach you how to get what you want and also STOP being a People Pleasing Doormat so go to work on that or get out of this deadbeat marriage and go find someone better. Life is too short to live in hopeless misery, IMO.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I think that you should show your husband this post. I am serious. It will either shake his world or he will simply not care, which is sort of how he seems right now anyway about anything that you do.

Some people are very terrible at being able to express any feelings at all, nor are they capable of thinking about anyone but themselves. I think this likely describes your husband. He has probably had a woman care for him for most of his life.

My ex-husband was a lot like yours when you were talking about the Etsy store. I also had hobbies that I wanted to share with him, things that made me very excited, and he couldn't have cared less. Life is too short to stay with someone that does not care about your dreams and your happiness.


----------



## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

I skipped over a lot of the answers because it is earlier and I did not want to read them.

Anyways, a lot of the behaviours that you are describing of your husband towards you are behaviours that are typical of an adult male on the Autism Spectrum.

Lack of empathy/affections, issues with communication, narrow range of interests and so forth.

Go online, there are a lot of useful tools that you can use to see if he fits on it somewhere.

If so, then it is off to a professional for a diagnosis and then a lot of personal reflection on your part to determine if you want to learn how to teach him how to fulfill your needs or leave.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------

