# I just caught him red handed...



## KarateKid (Aug 1, 2014)

So... I've never posted before. Just joined yesterday. My husband of 9 years (been together for 15) recently told me that he felt confused and foggy and disrespected in our marriage and needed some space. Then I found out that he had been seeing another "person of interest". Seriously, that's what he called her. This was three months ago. Then it was, he slept with her, but he felt regret and wanted to work on our marriage and was deflecting her advances. So... I've been very depressed. Crying myself to sleep for weeks. Not knowing what was going on. Horrific panic attacks even with Xanax. I'm a strong woman, I think. I've been supporting our household for 90% of the bills for the past ten years, I have a great job, he's a musician... 
So, fast forward to tonight. I am working late. I realize that one of his friends is playing a gig near my work. Hmm. I think. I wonder if he's there. It's Friday night. A few blocks away from work. Not far. So I go... I see his car. SOMETHING tells me just watch. I do, and guess what?! She's with him, the woman that that he has stated keeps after him and he's deflecting. He opens the car door for her. I run across the street and yell, hey <name>, he sees me, and I know he quickly shuts the door. I'm too fast, I get there and pound the window. I look at her and say, oh you must be <name>! And then I proceed to call him out on his lies to her and me. I'm like, oh, so did he tell you why i left? because he spent the night with you. But now he's telling me that he wants to work on our marriage. and you won't give up. She quickly leaves with his friend. I then tell him to get out of the f'n car, because we need to talk. I tell him, I'm so done. Divorce is happening. ASAP. We are going to fast track it. We go have a drink, and I'm so happy because the not knowing is why was killing me? And now I know.
Is this normal? I've been so so depressed. I mean literally panic attacks and crying. But now I know he's a liar and a cheat and I'm happy?! Maybe I'll feel differently tomorrow but for now the only feeling I have is relief and knowing its over. 
Normal?


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## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

Do u have kids?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

KarateKid said:


> but for now the only feeling I have is relief and knowing its over.
> Normal?


I think it's normal. Now the uncertainty is over. Naturally you'll go through a roller coaster over emotions over time.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

You sound smart and tough.You single-handedly blew his lies up in his face, and showed everyone you will not be run over. No doubt things will be up and down for awhile, but you will come out on top.

This guy is a leech, and a cheating leech at that. I cannot abide a man that uses a woman for a meal ticket. That's why "musicians" usually have the proverbial day job. Its way past time he got him one.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Me looking at this without the emotions you have right now, I would ask you to consider why you haven't kicked him out and stopped supporting him.


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

Best advice I can give is stick to your guns, don’t get weak, don’t buckle, you told him its over, stay strong. As hard as it can be, the person that takes control of the situation calls all the shots. Walk way! DO NOT beg him for anything. Do not let him see you cry or be weak. The AP will most likely hit the road now, they don’t like drama. APs are just like cheaters and use the same script. They both hide in the dark and when the light is on most of them will run for cover like a rat. Stick to your guns now that you know the real person you are married to, and hide the money. If you support him - stop, he will be begging soon without money. Go dark, don’t contact him, and move on. Get a lawyer, and get a separate account now and move all your money over. Yes, knowing the facts is the first step to recovery and getting on with your life….. Focus on you.
How old are you? Kids? If no kids, tell him to hit the road. Sounds like you have a solid income and career, Find someone that wants to spend time you……..life is hard enough without having to drag a losing along with you.....


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

So sorry for your pain.

It is good to finally know and not be in limbo land.

keep pushing the D. 

If and a big if, he gets tested for stds, is transparent , remorseful , goes NC and helps you thru the pain, then maybe stop the D.

But I do doubt that he will be smart enough to try to stop losing the best thing that was in his life.

I do hope you read about the 180 and to help you with the pain.

Glad you are not in limbo land.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Google "infidelity and limbo"

You might find articles that will help you understand the situation better


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## Baablacksheep (Aug 29, 2013)

So sorry that your going through this, See your husband is cake eating. He's not sure himself which woman he wants, so he's trying her out while keeping you on the string. Sucks I know, but you can force the issue by filing D and not working on your marriage until he PROVES with his actions he's interested only in you. Otherwise your going to be in the hell we call limbo till he decides what he wants.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sadly it is perfectly normal.

I suggest you file for divorce (you can always withdraw the petition, later) and get counselling for yourself.


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## KarateKid (Aug 1, 2014)

I'm 50' he's 45. I have three children from my first marriage but they are 28, 26, and 21 and all on their own. Back when I first found out that he had spent the night at her house, I asked him to leave, but he refused, so I left and told him he could pay all the bills. The separation was supposed to be short term so we could work on our relationship. 
Oh, no, there is no going back from divorce. I don't care what the situation is in the future. A relationship is different from a marriage. Obviously in his mind, marriage is not what it is to me. His actions killed the lifelong bond, and now all that is left is the business contract, and I'm severing that. If he ever wants to be my friend or date me, that can happen after the divorce goes through. I'm still feeling okay. No crying jags or deep depression yet, like I've been having.
Hmm, the woman he's been seeing. Well, I think he's been lying to her, and she can't be too bright, because who in their right mind would date a newly separated man anyway. She's 48. I've seen pix of her and was really jealous after comparing her to me, but in person, she wasn't as attractive. Shallow I know, but, that was something that made me feel okay. I'd put her on some sort of pedestal. I just keep thinking I'm going to crash, but so far, I feel nothing but empowered and relieved. I'm not happy feelinged anymore, but I feel like that is no longer an emotion that is totally foreign. 
I do have a good job. We acquired a lot together so it'll take awhile to go through everything and split it up, but at least it's moving now.
One of the reasons that divorce has to happen soon, is because I won't date or see anyone while married. I won't date for a while anyway, but I need to get that process started so I can get through it. He was my best friend for so long. This is all recent. I thought he might be going through a MLC, and we'd power through... Nope. 
After I caught him and she left, along with his friends, we went and had a drink at a bar and talked. I told him I was glad it happened, because now I finally knew and I felt a burden was lifted. I told him I really missed my best friend and old partner, but that could come back now, because there are no rules between friends, and once I wasn't his wife, we would both be free agents. Without marriage, there's no reason for me to be so angry with him.
I want to stay on friendly terms for our kids sake, for the sake of mediation, and also because that's who I am. So that's that. I feel like I can finally be in the process stage, and realize just how much of his lies I believed. Wow. Just wow. This all happened in the last 90 days. Um, our first argument we ever really had was on April 20 and just escalated from there.


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## KarateKid (Aug 1, 2014)

I've been in counseling for me for about two months. If I remain in this state, my therapist is going to flip. I usually go through a box of Kleenex every time I'm there. Jeebus. I'm wondering what I should tell my kids. I'm veering towards nothing. Secrets aren't healthy, but I think the details of this night can stay with us.


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## KatStar (Jul 31, 2014)

Best advice you need RIGHT NOW -- PUT your assets in order -- that means TAKE ALL YOUR MONEY OUT OF YOUR ACCOUNT. Hide it in a new account. Don't let him touch ANY of YOUR money because believe me, HE WILL TRY. You said you paid for 90% of everything and supporting that moocher -- DOn't let him talk you into giving him money. Don't let him make you feel sorry for him and trick you into giving him money. He is a liar and a user -- and he's been using you, lying to you, and treating you like a doormat. Get a divorce and MAKE HIM PAY for it. If he can't afford to pay for a lawyer then pay for it yourself, but ONLY for initial consulting fee -- have the Lawyer BILL HIM. Right now he is not suffering any consequences because he thinks he doesn't have to pay for the lawyer since you will. Remember -- He had enough money to spend on the AP, but expected you to support him financially. GET OUT of that situation and move on with your life. You have a stable job so you will be fine. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF for now and leave that liar behind. You deserve better. DOn't let him talk you into tal=king him back. He is looking for a place to stay and someone to pay his bills. You sound like a strong woman. HIDE YOUR MONEY NOW. You will be glad you did.


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## Riley_Z (Jan 29, 2014)

Stop revealing your plans to him.

You don't threaten divorce. You just file.

Every piece of info you give him now he will just use to fight you.

Learn to keep your plans a secret rather than dropping them all in his lap.


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

don't go out drinking with him, he's not your friend. And dont get drunk and have sex with him.......take a step back and just look at what he did. think about it.....


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## KarateKid (Aug 1, 2014)

Well, first I want to keep things friendly because I want to mediate, no lawyers. Too expensive. Plus, we were best friends for 15 years and this is a recent 3 month thing. He's not mean or evil, just apparently weak and a liar. We already have separate accounts. Everything will be 50/50. I want to end up friends. Life is too short to have a bitter relationship with an ex that isn't vicious, just a cheater.


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## KarateKid (Aug 1, 2014)

Why in the world would I get drunk and have sex with him? That's the farthest thought from my mind! Having a drink and figuring out how we are going to divorce quickly doesn't lead to bed, I would hope.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

Just stay strong -- you've been paying all his bills so you can bet your bottom dollar that when the reality of divorce sinks in, he'll do everything he can to keep you hooked. You've been married 9 years; in many states (including my own), alimony is required after a couple has been married for 10 years, so file QUICKLY. 

Your emotions will be all over the place; it happens to everyone who is betrayed like this. Now would be a great time to begin seeking individual counseling.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

KarateKid said:


> We go have a drink, and I'm so happy because the not knowing is why was killing me? And now I know.
> Is this normal? I've been so so depressed. I mean literally panic attacks and crying. But now I know he's a liar and a cheat and I'm happy?! Maybe I'll feel differently tomorrow but for now the only feeling I have is relief and knowing its over.
> Normal?


Perfectly normal. I went through some euphoria myself once I figured out that my gut feelings were spot on. For years my STBX had been gas lighting me. I felt something was wrong, but every question I asked to try and cut to the heart of it was met with a lie. I just didn't know she was lying. I didn't think the woman I loved and had been married to for 23 years was capable of that level of deciet. So, I started feeling like I was crazy.

Then I got to the truth and it all made sense. So, I had these conflicting emotions, euphoria over figuring out I wasn't crazy, and grief over the loss of my marriage. Right now you are in the euphoria. Enjoy it while you are up there. Your mood will drop and you will start to cycle between that and grief. And that's normal too. Basically however you feel is fine. Try to understand why you feel that way and you learn a lot about yourself.


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## KarateKid (Aug 1, 2014)

Thanks Acoa, that makes sense.

I spoke to an attorney friend today, and he advised me to do a legal separation for at least six months, rather than a divorce, and then go into divorce. So rather than fast tracking, which I'd like to do, I'm taking legal counsel and going the path of legal separation. I won't go into details, but what he said made a lot of sense to me.


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

KarateKid said:


> Well, first I want to keep things friendly because I want to mediate, no lawyers. Too expensive. Plus, we were best friends for 15 years and this is a recent 3 month thing. He's not mean or evil, just apparently weak and a liar. We already have separate accounts. Everything will be 50/50. I want to end up friends. Life is too short to have a bitter relationship with an ex that isn't vicious, just a cheater.




How many of your friends lie to you and gaslight you? I'm thinking that the whole "friends" thing isn't likely for that reason and also because it will hamper future relationships to have an ex with poor boundaries hanging around.

As for Lawyers being expensive, well I guess that depends on your definition of expensive and whether or not the divorce is contested. If it's contested, though, mediation probably ain't happening.

It varies from state to state, but legal representation and court costs in a fairly amicable divorce tends to be in the 1000-1500 dollar ballpark if you don't have kids, only the one day in court, etc.

Complexity or contention drive up costs.


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

KarateKid said:


> Thanks Acoa, that makes sense.
> 
> I spoke to an attorney friend today, and he advised me to do a legal separation for at least six months, rather than a divorce, and then go into divorce. So rather than fast tracking, which I'd like to do, I'm taking legal counsel and going the path of legal separation. I won't go into details, but what he said made a lot of sense to me.



Whether or not you are going to divorce as soon as it is legally possible where you live, getting a signed/notarized separation agreement into place ASAP, I would think, is advisable because otherwise you are legally responsible for any debts, contracts or judgements against the person whom you intend to divorce.


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