# Wife wants to move across the Country



## ALS_148 (May 20, 2014)

Hi, new to the whole message board thing but looking for opinions and advice.

I have been married for 8 1/2 years and with my wife for 10. We have two young kids ages 5 and 2. For quite a few years now my wife has talked about wanting to move away from the area we live. Recently it has become an all out battle to where she says nothing else I do matters unless I am willing to move. We live in the area we both are from and we both have have family here. I do have much more family and I am closer with that family but she does have some here. I also have a job I enjoy and that I have been at for more than 10 years. My job is very secure with good pay and great benefits. We have had issues over probably the last 7 years about money, intimacy and our location. There has been no infidelity on either part though. I still love my wife very much and I am still very attracted to her as well, but there is nothing from her end has not been for a long while. Even if things were perfect between us I would be very reluctant to give up the security that comes with my job and my extended family and support system. With things the way they have been I can't even consider it. All I see is us doing this and ending in divorce anyway in some random place and having absolutely no support system or us or our kids and no financial security either with a brand new job. I can see the reason for this other than to make her happy and I'm not even sure it would do that.

Am I wrong for not being willing to make such a leap or is she wrong to expect me to and tell me that if I don't I don't love her or care for her?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why does she say she wants to move?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ALS_148 (May 20, 2014)

She wants to move because she is unhappy where we are for multiple reasons. Unhappy with the weather, unhappy with the location in general, wants to chase her perfect job.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

why does she want to move so much?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

And do you talk to her about it, or have you just dismissed it without thought? Have you considered trying a relocation? Is this a new thing for her to request?

Just trying to get a better idea of what's going on. There's always two sides to every story...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ALS_148 (May 20, 2014)

I have talked to her about it. It is not new that she has said it is on her mind. but it is new for her to be so die hard. She has expressed interest in the past of moving to across the Country to where she has some family, but also to just moving local. Now the big kick is going after what she sees as her dream job which would be us near no one. I have considered it but find it very hard to just walk away from my job and my extended family on the long shot that it might make her happy. I am very close to my family as well and so are our kids. She has also become close with them.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

ALS_148 said:


> She wants to move because she is unhappy where we are for multiple reasons. Unhappy with the weather, unhappy with the location in general, wants to chase her perfect job.


ALS_148, there is an excellent chance that her stated reason is not the REAL reason she wants to move.

I'm going to go way far out on a limb here and suggest that you may suffer from being a Nice Guy. Hit Amazon and read the excerpt from No More Mr. Nice Guy and see if it rings any alarms.

Also head over to Married Man Sex Life and do some reading there.

There has to be much more to this than you are telling, or are aware of. If you're in as good (secure) of a job situation as you say you are, she should be comfortable and happy with that. The fact that she wants to make pretty major changes is a clear sign that ALL IS NOT WELL.

You should figure out what's going on before things explode.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Is it possible she is also unhappy with her home life and sees chasing her dream job as a way to make herself happy. Seems like maybe She is bored and thinks a life change is in order?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Well, I agree with you that there's a high risk that moving isn't going to magically make her happy. Many people carry the causes of their own unhappiness inside them, so it goes where they go. Have you two considered counseling, either joint or separately?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

From where to where?

Is there a big bump in income?

Did the two of you ever discuss moving away for career advancement?

Can you get a transfer?


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## ALS_148 (May 20, 2014)

michzz - From north east coast to either down south or southwest. There would be a moderate bump for her and at best I would stay the same if not take a hit. We never discussed career advancement as far as moving in the past. I supported her through school while she got the degree for this job and have supported with different things since. right now she is at the job she said was one of her two dream jobs when she was in school. Now it is same career but different company. And we are not young newlyweds. I'm late 30's and she is mid 30's. I can not transfer.

PBear - She went to counseling years ago and it seemed to help but she does not want to go now. I believe she is scared of what she will hear. I also believe she suffers from depression. I have gone to therapy recently to try and help with things and most of my thoughts and feelings see to be confirmed there. and I went hoping to be told it was my fault and I should change things but it did not work out that way. we talked about couples therapy but she thinks it is a waste.

Wolf - She is not happy with any aspect of her life right now. It is not just moving. She does see chasing her dream as a way to make her happy.

notatall- There is always more. Hard to sum it all up. there is the desire to chase the dream job, the hate of the weather, she is frustrated that she thinks her family is not there for her and it bothers her that my family is so close. and there is always more.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

If she is inconsiderate of YOUR hapiness an opinion on the subject (which it sounds like she is)......you are simply dealing with a selfish individual.

I would simply tell her how you feel about it just like you did here and say that moving is not really realistic right now, but as a compromise you are willing to consider it in the future (as the kids grow up, have more capital on hand AND most importantly, if she is willing to work on your intimacy issues).

THAT should be your primary concern IMO.

I will tell you right now, raising 2 young kids without any support/assistance from family will probably result in much worse situation than she is in right now (she will be more unhappy).

Also, there is a whole another concern of putting distance between children and loved ones. And this would be a deal breaker for me IF your and her parents are good active grandparents. 

Your children NEED them. Moving far away = losing a VERY important role model/relationship in kids life.

Personally I think OP is right here. What about your job OP, you said you are happy with it etc. Ask your wife how she would feel if she currently had a job she liked but you asked her to move FAR away to chase "your dream job".

She needs to put herself in YOUR shoes here.

This is where you find out if you are with a person that is willing to do whatever it takes to make the marriage last or simply walk away from it for selfish reasons.

The thing you said about her current job (that it used to be her dream job) is VERY concerning. She is simply chasing things she doesn't /can't have. Once she have the next dream job....she will get more ideas in her head etc. Where does it stop. 

*She needs to step back a bit and be thankful/happy with what she currently has.....vs chase the dream.*

If she can't be happy with where she is today, she will never be happy chasing "job" all while ignoring/neglecting her loved ones.

VERY concerning trait here. Look out.

I would tell her to put EVERYTHING on hold until your intimacy issues are worked on and resolved. This should be on top of your "issue" list priority!!!

Ask yourself, do you really want to live with this woman for the rest of your life if lack of intimacy continues?

Good luck OP, keep us posted.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

it sounds to me like this last winter (is it over now?) really was brutal, so somewhere sunny sounds really good to her.

But uprooting the family to get a little sunshine doesn't seem like enough motivation if you object.

If she has an offer in hand, that means she went on interviews. If she doesn't have an offer, then she is just whiffing in the wind about it.

Holding a job for a decade is a real accomplishment in today's economy. Stepping away from it right when you are climbing the ladder could be a risk.

On the other hand, a change of jobs IF you had a comparable one already in hand (an offer), could be a career jumpstarter.


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## ALS_148 (May 20, 2014)

DoF - I have told her that exact thing. And I have been told most recently that I don't care about her or her feelings and what she wants if I am not willing to do this for her. And the current thing is that our lack of intimacy is due to my lack of caring about her feelings with this.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Given what you've said, I'd tell her that for the good of the family, you won't consider moving until the two of you resolve your issues in marriage counseling. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Or you could get her to come on here, and tell her side of the story...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

ALS_148 said:


> DoF - I have told her that exact thing. And I have been told most recently that I don't care about her or her feelings and what she wants if I am not willing to do this for her. And the current thing is that our lack of intimacy is due to my lack of caring about her feelings with this.


That's her way of making you feel bad to get her way.

Don't fall for it....

She is playing a REALLY dirty game if intimacy is part of it. 

Marriage counseling ASAP. Let the professional tell her how it is, that's just not right/messed up.



PBear said:


> Given what you've said, I'd tell her that for the good of the family, you won't consider moving until the two of you resolve your issues in marriage counseling.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


yeeep


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Ok then what I would do in your situation is tell her that you won't consider moving until things are fixed where you are first, if that means counseling then so be it. I agree with DoF if you move to make her happy it won't. And if she establishes a good job and then you get divorced guess who the judge will side with if you want to go back home with the kids. NOTHING good will come from her running away from her problems. They need to be fixed here first.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

^Yep

The only other thing I would add (probably just repeating myself now) is that one has to be VERY careful with people that never seem to be happy and always seem to be chasing their dreams/goals etc.

Fact that she already obtained a "dream job" and continues to be unhappy validates above.

Outside of intimacy issues you need to bring to her attention the issue above.

Sure, it's human nature to always want things we can't have. But it's also a mature and REALISTIC thing to accept that you can't always have what you want and accept your life for what it is/be happy with it.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

ALS_148 said:


> DoF - I have told her that exact thing. And I have been told most recently that I don't care about her or her feelings and what she wants if I am not willing to do this for her. A*nd the current thing is that our lack of intimacy is due to my lack of caring about her feelings with this*.


So she wants to hold your intimacy hostage to the idea of moving?

She has poured gasoline on the situation.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I'm a Southern gal and cannot imagine enduring the brutal winters up there.. I would want to move too, and dream jobs can be found anywere... it sounds like the real issue is the weather. 

If you stay in that weather and she hates it, nothing but resentment will build. Choose wisely... she is the weaker vessel, whether you have your support system there or not. 

Does your job have other offices that could facilitate a transfer without jeopardizing your tenure?

I do agree she is throwing gasoline on the situation which is another subject. Using sex as a weapon is never a good idea.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> I'm a Southern gal and cannot imagine enduring the brutal winters up there.. I would want to move too, and dream jobs can be found anywere... it sounds like the real issue is the weather.


You know, I used to HATE winters but....past 2 years I embraced winter and I now LOVE it.

When it snows, we take the whole family sledding and even my kids will tell you it has been one of best family memories. We have a ball.

I'm also a car enthusiast (well to be honest, more of a DRIVING enthusiast now)....anyways, snow + empty parking lot = WHOLE lot of fun. I love driving in the snow...so much fun.

We just embrace the snow and winter. Sure it sucks at times, but if you think about it, so does the summer. 

Pros and Cons to ANYTHING.

*As with ANYTHING in life, it's as great or as bad as one wants to make it.*

I like winters now


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## MysteryMan1 (Nov 4, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> it sounds like the real issue is the weather.


I think she's just using it as one of multiple excuses.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

MysteryMan1 said:


> I think she's just using it as one of multiple excuses.



Possible... from my vantage point the dream job is the escape for hating the weather


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

DoF said:


> You know, I used to HATE winters but....past 2 years I embraced winter and I now LOVE it.
> 
> When it snows, we take the whole family sledding and even my kids will tell you it has been one of best family memories. We have a ball.
> 
> ...


HAHA!!! Well, now you have me wanting to come visit and bring my 4 x 4!! and horses! LOL weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

very true.... it can be a self created misery... question is, which is it... self created over the weather or self created over the job... my vote is on the weather still, "I hate the weather, look honey, here is my dream job and it just so happens to be in the warm part of the country... "no, we can't" "you don't love me because you don't want me to have my dream job!!" See what I mean?

Passive aggressive move...

She is trying to sell him on the weather since she knows he'll say no... builds in incentive and now that he is saying "no" he is being villainized... 

Its ALL passive aggressive moves because she WANTS warmer weather but thinks she has to go around him or super sell to get it... 

that's my 2 cents on it 

then the withholding sex is another layer of passive aggressive attempts to get him to budge on this. She used positive passive aggressive first (dream job) then negative passive aggressive (withholding sex).


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Possible... from my vantage point the dream job is the escape for hating the weather


There is NO such a thing as a "dream job". OP's wife is my evidence. 

Even when you find it, in time you will dislike it....after all, it's still a JOB.

I love when people say "don't give up on your dream" or "you should do what you love".....don't get me wrong, by all means try, but be realistic. Out of billions of people on this planet, it's probably safe to say that under 1% end up with a "dream job"......and they end up disliking it in the end anyways.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Agreed... it's why I think she is super selling him


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I'm just putting this out there but I know someone that moved to another state at the urging of her husband. After a period of time he filed for divorce. It turns out that the divorce laws in the new state were more in his favor than here in California. He had planned the whole thing out in advance.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I hate winter too. But I am pretty dern fond of money, so I live in the Great Frozen Tundra of the North (aka Colorado). I need at least 1-2 more promotions where I'm currently at to be able to secure comparable compensation in another market. That's just the facts. When the facts change, so might my locale.

That said, does your wife have a solid offer for this "perfect dream job"? Is she willing to be the breadwinner for the family if taking this job means living on one income until you find something in a new town? I'm not really getting the impression that either of those is the case. Thus, probably best to draw a hard line and say that it's all off the table until you've both been to counseling to work out where this is all coming from.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

*Bloom where you're planted* is a good strategy.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

You are so right... have had to learn that hard lesson this past couple of years...myself


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

ALS, there's some great advice here about considering all the angles of weather, contentment etc and what I see as most important, getting some great professional counseling.

I don't have advice per se but your story is very similar to mine a few years ago. My wife did almost exactly what yours is doing. I resisted for many of the same reasons as you. Job security, my family, relationships, current weather (from a 'sunny' state to one that COgypsy describes above), unresolved marital issues etc all were absolutely valid arguments but meant little to her.

We worked on some things and at least stabilized when a great offer with a great company came my way, with possibility to relocate. Took the job and relocated soon after. 

Didn't make the discontent go away. If you read my thread you'll see we're a frickin' mess. (better than where the thread left off though) 

Ok forget the no advice thing. Get some counseling for both of you and suggest MC. There's way more going than you're realizing right now.

~ Passio


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