# I could use some advise on resentment



## scott079 (Jul 27, 2017)

I really could use some guidance as I feel very stuck emotionally. I did not think I would post to this forum again but a year later here I am. I have tried therapy, volunteering, dating, not dating, and I still feel bitter. 

My ex wife remarried, this past summer to the guy who was "just a friend" and never admitted to so much as having feelings for him even though she moved 300 miles right after our divorce to a tiny town out in nowhere where he lived and they started dating asap. She remarried within 2 years of our divorce. According to her they were just friends at a training academy and she wanted to work in that area. 

Through all my effort I have come to think that I am still bitter for 3 reasons:

1- She left after getting a better career, meeting someone new, and did not tell me she was unhappy until it was too late. We talked for 1 month over the phone about our marriage while she spent her free to time with him. 

2- I had to move into an apartment with roommates to afford night classes, my dating life and self esteem took a massive hit. I had to spend 2 1/2 years with roommates and will need to spend 9 more before I can move out. She and him were house shopping within 4 months of "officially dating" right after the divorce.

3- I have been unable to meet someone who I want to spend my life with and I have been trying to date. I cannot help but feel like being 35 with roommates and going through a career change doesn't appeal to alot of women. I think she got a new great relationship and I have to go through 4-5 years of upheaval before I can have the life she got within months of the papers being signed.

I can honestly say I have been deeply unhappy for 3 years.

The good news- I was accepted to an Anesthesia program just 2 weeks ago (8% acceptance rate). When completed, I will be doing 85% of what an anesthesiologist does and my salary will triple, within 3 years of practice I will more than quadruple my old salary of 60k. I know money isn't everything but I really would like to have a home and be with someone I feel safe with/ I am attracted to. 

It just feels like I won't be over my bitterness until I get to where I want to be. I know I would let go of it if she were to call and say sorry and admit it was wrong to be going on motorcycle rides and getting matching tattoos with this guy while I was in therapy and reading books on marriage, but she never will because according to her they were just friends. I am open to suggestions, maybe a different therapist? 

Lastly, is it odd that my bitterness lessens alot during the few times I have been dating someone I really liked? It makes me feel like something is wrong with me.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Of course you're bitter. You got the short end of the stick and it's unfair. At some point though you need to stop blaming her for your unhappiness and grab life by the balls and live the way you want. When you are getting what you want out of life you'll feel a lot better about your situation. The reason you feel better when you're in a relationship is you don't feel like you got shafted as badly when you're with someone else. But, that's really not the healthy way to do things since it's far better to be happy with yourself then to depend on others for your happiness.

Now, you aren't an idiot, so you also must know that she was cheating on you with this guy and had him lined up before she left. That's why she had the soft landing and you had the abrupt change and difficulty adapting. It would have been far easier for you if she just said she was interested in another guy and that was why she was leaving. That honest explanation would have helped you move on, but what she did kind of left you without closure and in limbo. Recognize it for what it is and make sure you completely block her from your life. You hearing about her remarrying indicate that you still have some degree of contact with her, so prevent it. Block her on facebook, delete her phone number from your phone, erase all her e-mails and delete her email address and do anything you can so that you'll have absolutely no contact with her from this point forward. 

While you are reading your relationship books you really should also be focusing on learning to get out of life what you want and learning how to screen for healthy relationship dynamics. I'd recommend reading married man's sex life primer, how to be a 3% man, and the subtle art of not giving a F.

One last thing. If you need some music to get over her play Eamon "F it".


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

scott079 said:


> I really could use some guidance as I feel very stuck emotionally. I did not think I would post to this forum again but a year later here I am. I have tried therapy, volunteering, dating, not dating, and I still feel bitter.
> 
> My ex wife remarried, this past summer to the guy who was "just a friend" and never admitted to so much as having feelings for him even though she moved 300 miles right after our divorce to a tiny town out in nowhere where he lived and they started dating asap. She remarried within 2 years of our divorce. According to her they were just friends at a training academy and she wanted to work in that area.
> 
> ...


Nothing wrong with changing therapists if you aren't getting anywhere with this one. 

For me, I like a pro-active therapist who is sharp and gives me activities to do and reading to expand on our sessions. I don't want to just sit there and dump on somebody for an hour and walk out feeling worse than I did or like I'm going no where.

I do want to also mention, though, that I have to commend you for pushing so hard to move forward with your life in such a positive way. 

If you can, even for a few moments, think about what has happened in this way: what she did and what has happened may be the fuel that is lighting the fire in you. 

You aren't undesirable or a loser by any stretch of the imagination - you are an incredibly focused achiever willing to sacrifice some niceties on the short term to make bigger things happen in the long term. Not very many people are willing to make these kinds of sacrifices. Most people want the most success for the least amount of effort.

She wasn't the right person for you - you are lucky to be free of her. One thing you have going that she does not is that you are doing the very tough thing of spending time by yourself, and ON yourself before jumping into another relationship. This piece of a life journey yields huge benefits when a person takes advantage of that time - like you are doing...therapy and working on healing you. It may not seem like anything is changing but it IS changing. 

One thing a wise sage said to me when I was in your position at one time: "You can't take the hand of the one who is right for you until you let go of the hand of the person who is wrong for you." 

Bitterness and resentment, strange as this may sound, keeps you attached to her. As you continue forward, know that what is right for you will come to you easily at the right time and once you free yourself of your ex. 

I truly admire how hard you are working towards your goals. Way to go.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

The opposite of love is not hate. Love and hate are both emotions. Maybe you resent her, yet you don't think it is hate. Okay, both are emotions. The opposite of an emotion is not an emotion. When you did not know her, you felt nothing for her, no sadness or happiness, no emotion. You need to get to that point, again. So, the actual opposite of love is indifference. 

It's tough when you think she is there for you and she isn't. Maybe she said she was, and thought she could be, until she couldn't. She probably thought that at this stage of her life, she didn't want to be put through this for so long. That's okay. Now, you don't have to worry about your marriage. You can do as you please without spelling it out for someone and relying on them. Learn to rely on yourself and leave dating for the fun of it, only. You won't be ready to have a relationship until you are on your own again, making money. 

It's only a problem when you compare yourself to others. You are unique. You are incomparable, just like each of us. Live your life and let that other one, that really wasn't for you, fall free from your shoulders. Then, walk away from it. Let someone else pick it up. You don't need it.


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## scott079 (Jul 27, 2017)

2ntnuf said:


> It's tough when you think she is there for you and she isn't. Maybe she said she was, and thought she could be, until she couldn't. She probably thought that at this stage of her life, she didn't want to be put through this for so long. That's okay. Now, you don't have to worry about your marriage. You can do as you please without spelling it out for someone and relying on them. Learn to rely on yourself and leave dating for the fun of it, only. You won't be ready to have a relationship until you are on your own again, making money.
> 
> 
> I understand the whole opposite of hate is indifference concept. What I do not understand is when you say
> ...


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## scott079 (Jul 27, 2017)

Just an FYI, I have not spoken to her in over 2 years, so she is in no way there for me. I told her right before the divorce was final I did not want to speak anymore because I was so hurt over the way things ended. After that all I got was the bullsh*t happy birthday text once and her emailing me 4 months later asking for tax forms and she wrote "I know you don't want to hear from me but I need these forms for work". I do hate her. 

What I would like help on if possible is how to not feel this resentment an hate while I work towards this career change, I have 9 months until I leave.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

When you open up that old suitcase in the attic do not look for roses and fine wine.
Of that, you will find little to none.

Look for those things between her and you that did not mesh. You will find a plethora of these.

You miss the old her, she hurt you, she was your wife and now she is gone.

The thing is.......

You two were not compatible. likely, never really were. 
You may think you were at one time, but today shows you were not.

Her and her old/new man are that.
They are compatible.

In good ways, in bad ways.
In written ways.

Written, they penned together in ink.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

"I was accepted to an Anesthesia program just 2 weeks ago (8% acceptance rate)." Kudos! This represents reward for your sacrifices and HARD work to improve yourself! Your future is gonna be so much better than your past. BTW: I changed vocations in my fifties and lived in a garage, sacrificing sleep, friends, way of life.

Do not go through life comparing yourself to others (someone somewhere will always be better)--especially not to an ex-wife who was likely at least in an EA--emotional affair. You are free from a woman who lacks character and is untrustworthy. This is about her dishonesty, not you. Folks often don't admit the truths to themselves. Sounds like you were trying to improve your marriage IQ. There is likely karma in her future.

Bitterness imprisons life if you allow it. Somebody said, "Bitterness is like drinking rat poison and waiting for the rat to die." Bitterness is resultant from anger and resentment and will only hurt you. Ex wife continues to live rent free in your head. You would not be in your chosen field if you were not smart. Use your intelligence to bind and release your painful emotions--doesn't matter what she admits or not--you know she is shallow, without loyalty.

I am sorry for your pain.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

scott079 said:


> 2ntnuf said:
> 
> 
> > It's tough when you think she is there for you and she isn't. Maybe she said she was, and thought she could be, until she couldn't. She probably thought that at this stage of her life, she didn't want to be put through this for so long. That's okay. Now, you don't have to worry about your marriage. You can do as you please without spelling it out for someone and relying on them. Learn to rely on yourself and leave dating for the fun of it, only. You won't be ready to have a relationship until you are on your own again, making money.
> ...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

What sort of hysterectomy did she have.
A partial or complete.

On the cancer, was it benign fibroids, cancer of the cervix, or what?

Long term, you may have dodged a bullet.
Her new man 'may' be hit by its downward trajectory.

I am talking about her health.

She may have left you because she suddenly realized how fragile life is and she is now tempted to burn her candle from both ends.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

scott079 said:


> Just an FYI, I have not spoken to her in over 2 years, so she is in no way there for me. I told her right before the divorce was final I did not want to speak anymore because I was so hurt over the way things ended. After that all I got was the bullsh*t happy birthday text once and her emailing me 4 months later asking for tax forms and she wrote "I know you don't want to hear from me but I need these forms for work". I do hate her.
> 
> What I would like help on if possible is how to not feel this resentment an hate while I work towards this career change, I have 9 months until I leave.


No one thinks you depend on her, now. 


You have to choose to set it down. You have to decide she is not worth the time you spend thinking about her. Right now, you miss her and/or the life you promised yourself you were going to have. She did not want to be with you any more. In time, you will see it doesn't matter why. Since each person is different, you realize there are women out there who could easily be in a relationship with you that is better in all ways than your marriage was?

https://talkaboutmarriage.com/copin...self-others-get-50-000-feet.html#post14542961

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-to-let-go-and-move-on/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/learning-to-let-go-of-past-hurts-5-ways-to-move-on/

https://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-let-go-of-a-past-relationship-10-steps-to-peacefully-move-on/

8 Effective Ways to Let Go and Move On


There are so many links, it's just incredible. What that tells me is there is no fool-proof way. Each of us is an individual and you have to work out your own way with or without the use of books, programs, counselors, medications and psychiatrists or psychologists or whatever it takes. No one has a silver bullet.


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## scott079 (Jul 27, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> What sort of hysterectomy did she have.
> A partial or complete.
> 
> On the cancer, was it benign fibroids, cancer of the cervix, or what?
> ...


She had cancer of the cervix, had to have her cervix and uterus removed. At first they said it would be everything including the ovaries but they changed the staging and she is I am guessing 5 years cancer free now. She said the cancer was not the main reason, it was her feeling neglected and unloved. 

I know its selfish but it really hurt when I asked for a 2nd chance and told her I was there for you when you were sick and asked her to come home and try to work on our marriage together. 

You know you hear stories of spouses bailing or being ****ty when their wife gets cancer (I volunteered at a cancer hospital for a year and heard some stories), but I was very caring and supportive for the majority of it.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

You're young and persistent. Part of your resentment is due to your persistent personality. You work very hard for all that you have, and you have high expectations. With those high expectations come angst and regrets when things don't go way that you've worked so hard for. You invested so much into your marriage, to see it disintegrate at the selfish hands of your ex-wife would be hard for anybody to take.

Let not your heart be troubled. Your character traits will reward you over and over again. Once your career is back on track and you are financially stable, you will be free to build a new life with a blank canvas. I think deep down you understand this, but need to hear it from someone else. Hopefully you will find a person with the same high character traits that you have. When you do your happiness will eclipse your resentment. Who knows if karma will ever visit your wife, but the best way you can get even is by living a happy life, and you are well on your way. I am actually very happy for you, even though I am very sorry for all of the hurt and resentment your exwife has caused you. Because you get to build a happy life without you're inwardly focused ex-wife chipping away at you. 

Good things are coming your way. One other thing. If your wife ever contacts you again, it will help you to let her know how you feel about her. One of the things that is troubling you is that she moved on without any consequences. Recently I had a conversation with my ex-wife who probably did worse than yours, and for the first time I really let her have it. I didn't use harsh language or demeaning terms, but I confronted her with the truth about who she is. She is still livid that I did that, because she of course prefers to not have to confront the reality of who she is and what she has done. That has really helped to relieve my resentment. I don't have any desire to keep piling on, but I have to admit it was satisfying. Telling the truth is not avoiding the highroad. Sometimes what people think is the highroad is really just not giving consequences where they are needed. Something to think about.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

scott079 said:


> She had cancer of the cervix, had to have her cervix and uterus removed. At first they said it would be everything including the ovaries but they changed the staging and she is I am guessing 5 years cancer free now. She said the cancer was not the main reason, it was her feeling neglected and unloved.
> 
> I know its selfish but it really hurt when I asked for a 2nd chance and told her I was there for you when you were sick and asked her to come home and try to work on our marriage together.
> 
> You know you hear stories of spouses bailing or being ****ty when their wife gets cancer (I volunteered at a cancer hospital for a year and heard some stories), but I was very caring and supportive for the majority of it.


Soon, when your slow-to-grab-light star rises, you will leave her in the twilight.

You are soon off to higher places, places stable, financially and romantically.

She found herself, her niche late in life.

You niche will soon open to a chasm. Keep up the hard work.

Finish your training and schooling. It will pay off.

Some new woman will step into your path, don't grab her star until you see that it shines even when it rains.

Be picky on the second Mrs. Scott XXXX.

You will be the catch, she the lucky one.

On cervical cancer survival rates......

She will 'likely not' live to a ripe old age. Cancer has a way of reappearing, rearing its ugly unforgiving head.
Likely, before others that remain cancer free for a lifetime.

The side effects of this procedure will limit her happiness [in other ways] and any man that touches her Unlucky Star will feel its dry pinch....too.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

scott079 said:


> I really could use some guidance as I feel very stuck emotionally. I did not think I would post to this forum again but a year later here I am. I have tried therapy, volunteering, dating, not dating, and I still feel bitter.
> 
> My ex wife remarried, this past summer to the guy who was "just a friend" and never admitted to so much as having feelings for him even though she moved 300 miles right after our divorce to a tiny town out in nowhere where he lived and they started dating asap. She remarried within 2 years of our divorce. According to her they were just friends at a training academy and she wanted to work in that area.
> 
> ...





scott079 said:


> Just an FYI, I have not spoken to her in over 2 years, so she is in no way there for me. I told her right before the divorce was final I did not want to speak anymore because I was so hurt over the way things ended. After that all I got was the bullsh*t happy birthday text once and her emailing me 4 months later asking for tax forms and she wrote "I know you don't want to hear from me but I need these forms for work". I do hate her.
> 
> What I would like help on if possible is how to not feel this resentment an hate while I work towards this career change, I have 9 months until I leave.


You had your world and entire planned future unexpectedly turned completely upsidedown. It is perfectly normal that it takes time to recover from.

Your ex had a long time to think about it, and set up the next relationship and career, long before you had any inkling it was happening. It looks like she has moved on well and fast because she started the process years ago without letting you know about it, and for her it didn't involve a huge emotional trauma to start it all off. You CANNOT compare your progress to hers. She had a huge head start; she cheated. She was laps and laps ahead before she kneecapped you to get you started.

You don't need her to confess to it to have your closure. Convincing yourself you need her apology to get over your bitterness is what keeps that bitterness lingering. You will get where you want to be soon enough; treat each step, each form filled out, each class attended, each homework assignment and exam, as a step away from the bitterness and towards your future instead of thinking of this magic 'where you want to be' destination at which everything will happen all at once. Because it doesn't work like that. There is no finish line for recovery.

Forget her, and focus on yourself. It sounds like your living arrangement is temporary, less than a year to go? And you are in what sounds like a great program, too, with an excellent career to come afterwards. So keep an eye on your prize ahead of you instead of looking backwards, or even around you right now. So what if you are living with roommates and going to school? It's part of your plan to build a newer, better you. Any woman you date (who is worth it) would appreciate a confident man planning for the future and being sensible while doing it.

It strikes me that you are treating dating like some sort of competition with your ex, or ticking off a box on your list of things to accomplish. Just enjoy it for what it is. You don't need to get a new relationship to prove to yourself that your ex isn't doing better than you, or to take over your ex's spot in your list of accomplishments (career, house, wife), or to distract yourself from your emotions instead of facing them. Just date casually, if you even have time while going to school. You'll either have some fun along the way, or maybe meet a good woman who will appreciate the sacrifices you are making to set up your future.

I don't know what your therapist has you doing, but the solution is inside you. Instead of looking to the past, or at what you think your ex has, look forward at your future and take the steps you need to make it happen. One day, you will look up from your books and computer, and realize you haven't thought about your ex in a week, and then it will be a month. Then two.

A different therapist isn't going to make your ex suddenly give you closure. You have to make your own closure.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Since you really never contact your ex you might want to take light in the fact that her new, beautiful, wonderful, awesome, and easy life is just something in your head. The reality is more likely
that she is finding out marriage takes work on both sides and the issues in her previous marriage are similar to ones in her current. Think about it like social media, everyone talks about all the
good stuff and the nice pictures and yada yada yada.....but those who know the real story understand the truth is far from the Facebook page.

Cancer: The threat of death can push a persons reset button mentally to the levels that defy all logic. That persons "reality" becomes different. 

Happiness: You are the one in control of it. You must decide your ex doesn't have that power over you and create your own new "reality".


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## scott079 (Jul 27, 2017)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> You had your world and entire planned future unexpectedly turned completely upsidedown. It is perfectly normal that it takes time to recover from.
> 
> Your ex had a long time to think about it, and set up the next relationship and career, long before you had any inkling it was happening. It looks like she has moved on well and fast because she started the process years ago without letting you know about it, and for her it didn't involve a huge emotional trauma to start it all off. You CANNOT compare your progress to hers. She had a huge head start; she cheated. She was laps and laps ahead before she kneecapped you to get you started.
> 
> ...


Thank you, I am getting the theme here from responses to be more future orientated and I do like the notion of viewing each quiz/clinical rotation/etc as a step away from my bitterness, that really helps. And I agree, I did get it into my head of comparing my life to what I think she got. Its hard not to compare but as the other person said, we create an ideal in our head of their life, the vast majority of marriages take alot of work and rarely are they this sublime harmonious pairing 7 days a week. At least that is what I have seen since my divorce. 

I will try to view each day as a small step away from this bitterness because your all right, it will get better and at least I didn't run into another serious relationship and settle. if I had done that I never would have pursued a great career.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

i was married 30 years, together for 35, when my xw moved in with the neighbor. I never saw it coming, I had no idea that they had spent the year planning to be together. I was wiped out mentally, could not work, could not concentrate, I was depressed. I always wanted to ask her why? Why she did what she did. Why didnt she tell me that she was that unhappy? These are normal questions. Normal reactions. But to hold yourself back "until" you get these answers is only setting yourself up for a bigger failure, this time it will be all your fault! 

Sounds like you are doing great! It has been a long haul, not easy, but you are making the most of it. Try (and find a counselor that can help, keep trying until you find the right one) to move on. Dont let her control you. Quit making your happiness contingent on her doing x or y. She doesnt count anymore. So sorry you are here.

by the way, in less than 30 days I will once again be married. I have been divorced 7 years, dated a few women, but have found someone who is so compatable its crazy! I was NEVER getting married again, and almost didnt ask her. I am so much happier than I could of ever been had I still been married to my x. This can be you.


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