# How to Get to the Truth So Healing Can Start



## trustingtomuch (Jul 28, 2010)

My husband and I have been married for 22 years. We have two adult children, almost 22 and a 20 year old. I have always trusted my husband until two months ago.
I started to suspect my husband texting other women. He would put his phone face down when I enter the room, and he would never leave his phone out of sight. So, I started to do some investigating. I'll try to make a long story short.
I found out that he had other women saved in his address book on his phone under different names, ex. Betty saved under Don (bodyshop). He had become very nervous when I asked to see his phone and that is why. After a week of investigating, I found out that he had been texting several women that he caught back up with through facebook. But there was one woman he spent more time texting, calling, messaging through facebook, and emailing. In fact, they had spoke on the phone at least 20 times from February 10th thru May 8th. There were so many textings going on I can't even begin to count. There were days that they texted each other all day. Some of the emails that I had a chance to read went something like this; "I don't want what we have to end." and "Will we have time for???" After finding all this out, I confronted him. He admitted it was wrong, and the reason for him doing it was because he was enjoying the attention. He didn't receive that much attention in High School. I asked him if they had ever met up in person, and he assured me that they had not.
That is the issue I can't seem to shake. In my gut/heart, I feel they had to at least meet for lunch if not more. He's had plenty of opportunity to meet up with her without me suspecting. He even had her address on a GPS.
I have even talked to the woman on the phone to confront her but she also has said they had not met in person. Her answer seemed to be a carbon copy of his. They had time to speak before the woman and I had time to speak.
I really feel I need to know the truth even if it hurts. I've given him at least two chances to come clean but he refuses to admit it to me. I feel I need more information so I can start the healing process I need so much in order to move on with our lives together. What do I do from here to get him to admit it to me? Where do I go from here?
Our marriage has been so much better since I've found out about the other woman. He has broken all ties from the women and this one woman. I have his email password, and I am able to check what phone calls/texts come to and from his phone. And he has been clean, so to speak. I did have his password to his facebook account but two days ago he changed that. Now I feel he is hiding something but I am still able to check emails and his phone account.
In order for our marriage to continue to get better I really feel I need to know what I am dealing with. How do I go about it?


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Why would he change his password? He is an idiot. Have him go with you to the computer straight away and open the page. If he doesn't then you know he is back up to it.
However, you have work to do. He is not just your best friend. You need to get that love spark going. Start with His Needs, Her Needs. Go to marriagebuilders.com for a starter. Read everything. You need to know how a man thinks. My wife is in the middle of her affair. If I had known what I know now when it started the result may have been different. You need to put a stop to this and start rebuilding. You need a BETTER marriage. 
For starters ... 15 hours of together time each week. I am not kidding. No tv. Walks in the country. Board games. Rounds of golf. You have to reconnect like when you were dating.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I agree with the other posters, your husband needs to be completely open with you with all his communications with anyone.....I would tell him that if he needs this in his life that he needs to leave you and move on with the other women. Don't just accept it as okay behavior......
I'm in the same boat as you, I found out about the friendship with the OW with the amount of texts, phone calls......he said they were just friends and nothing more, well guess what that wasn't true they actually were having a PA, the other woman's husband brought me proof and the two of them admitted to the affair.....
Don't take his word for it, he has lied to you and hidden things from you.......
Keep checking, work on your marriage, stay close to him to affair proof your marriage but don't be a fool.......
Exposure is key to stopping an affair of any sort, it's not much fun if the ones you love know what you are up to.......it killed my husband for our boys 22 and 20 to know their father had an affair with another woman while he was still married to their mother......
I'm not sure why they think what they are doing is worth giving up what they have..........stop the communication with the OW, work on having a better marriage, work on making it better than ever.........trusting to much was a mistake we both made I guess, but after all the years we have spent with our husbands we probably thought they couldn't possibly do this to us.......
It hurts I know but repairable with some work.........


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Why did the affair happen?


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## trustingtomuch (Jul 28, 2010)

Thanks everyone for your advice. The affair happened, my opinion, because my husband wasn't receiving the attention from me that he needed and deserved. I am 95 percent sure it is over but I still feel I need to know whether it was more than just texting, emails, and phone calls. He swears they never met up physically but I don't buy it. How do I get him to admit this? I thought about leaving him a note telling him I was leaving until he comes completely clean with everything. I just can't move on from all this until I know EVERYTHING. Our marriage is the best it has ever been but I can't seem to heal without him admitting they met up. Even if it was for lunch. What do I do to get him to admit it?


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## Neverwouldhave guessed (May 5, 2010)

Let him see that it is safe to do so. I have gotten some very honest answers from my husband once he knew that I would not yell, scream, retaliate, etc. Some answers hurt me, others were embarrasing for him, but I really believe they have been honest. I told him for "X" amount of time I needed to be able to ask questions and I expect honest answers. After "X", I am putting the whole situation to rest. This way, I won't have a nagging question or two 4 months from now that I never got to ask (and will keep the affair front and center in my mind.)

No one is going to want to honestly answer questions and anticipate a big fight as a result.

I does sound as though something is quite possibly still going on. Be a good, loving wife, but by all means question in your mind what he is up to.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> Thanks everyone for your advice. The affair happened, my opinion, because my husband wasn't receiving the attention from me that he needed and deserved. I am 95 percent sure it is over but I still feel I need to know whether it was more than just texting, emails, and phone calls. He swears they never met up physically but I don't buy it. How do I get him to admit this? I thought about leaving him a note telling him I was leaving until he comes completely clean with everything. I just can't move on from all this until I know EVERYTHING. Our marriage is the best it has ever been but I can't seem to heal without him admitting they met up. Even if it was for lunch. What do I do to get him to admit it?


Just for the sake of argument, suppose he is telling you the truth. Is he still supposed to 'admit' to what you believe he did? How would you ever know that THIS was the real truth, and not something you finally manipulated him into saying? By what criteria would you have the _absolute_ knowledge that what he tells you is truth or not? In other words, no shining silver beam of light is going to descend upon him the moment he 'tells the truth'!

And what would you do if he does tell you? What steps then? Are they not steps you can take now? 

I am not saying that what he says now is the truth - or not. I have no way of knowing. But there are other things you can easily do that will be much more effective. 

Ask him if he is absolutely willing to work on the marriage. If he is, ask him to prove this to you by showing you through three steps:

1) Writing a No Contact letter to the Other Woman that YOU read and that YOU mail to her. He does NOT do this without you.

2) Give you open and transparent honesty. This means he reveals all his phone records, passwords, text programs, social network sites, etc - giving you instant and absolute availability. 

Note: hesitation that he shows here should be a strong argument to you that an affair is still ongoing.

3) Verbal commitment to working on the marriage together with you - whether that includes marriage counseling, or coaching, etc..

If he openly and honestly does so - even if it means some pain or embarrassment for him, you can be certain that the affair is over. If he is not willing, my advice is to act upon the assumption that an affair is still in the works, and take steps accordingly.

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Now playing: Elane - One With Lunnight
via FoxyTunes


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## 4mockingbird (Jul 27, 2010)

Your scenerio is the a mirror of mine, he said they were just friends. But now he has served me with divorce papers and wants this marriage to end quickly. I am assuming so he can be with her. She is also married and has a son. 

My H had and still has all his emails, phones, FB, etc locked up with passwords like Fort Knox and would not let me see anything. And he is always on the comptuer on his g-mail account. He says he has stopped contact, but I don't believe him. He basically said that He does not has to answer to me and I need to mind my own business. He has stopped the texting but only because I can check on that and he can't stop me. 

He has never apologized for this because he feels he has done nothing wrong because it was an EA and not a PA. He has said that he wants his freedom so he can have sex and date other people, but hasn't mentioned her in particular. With him putting a rush on all this, I know he has someone waiting in the wings.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

It's too late in my opinion!!!..why force someone to be with you when they don't want to?..life is too short..IMO


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## jcrawford (Aug 3, 2010)

Wow that sounds all to fimiliar! YES there is more and If the woman My husband cheated on me with didn't confess to her Husband and him get it on a recording I would still to this day NEVER know the truth! Your instinct is dead on! If there is any way you can get someone to be-friend her and squeeze it outta her then you will have to figure out if you can live with that pain in your stomach (cause it wont go away) or if you wanna leave and hope it will scare him into a confession. Oh and you having access to all accounts is a comfort to you... HINT* he has a secret account! I Found that out from the OW... When he gave me complete access to all acounts (I knew of)... it made me wonder! So sorry you are going thru this I feel your pain!


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## trustingtomuch (Jul 28, 2010)

Oh my goodness, jcrawford you hit it dead on. Thank you so much for the advice. My next step is going to find that one person to friend her to get the scoop. Either way, I need to know so I can move on and start the healing process. I've already thought about him having another account that I don't know about. Thanks again and hopefully when and if I find anything out I will be able to let you know what happens. Not sure how but I certainly will try. Thanks for the advice. I love it.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Well, I'm almost 2 yrs out, and I still want to strap a lie detector on my H. Hoping to soon find out that broccoli is the new truth serum. 
Good luck to you. Stay strong


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