# Sexless Marriage



## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

Although I have posted some comments, I am fairly new to this forum. 
Reading through it, it seems there are both husbands and wives with fantastically healthy and fulfilling sex lives - where they fully respect each others needs etc and that as spouses they accept (happily) their obligation to fulfill their parttners sexual needs.
Then there is the other camp that is full of both husbands and wives who do not have a fulfilling sex life. Unfortunately I am in that camp.
My wife does not 'French' kiss, (I do not have an 'oral hygiene' issue), she has never gone anywhere near my 'southern' region with her mouth, anal doesn't even enter the equation and despite buying her flowers and trying to be the 'perfect' husband the concept of sex (other than for procreation, which we have managed twice) is not on the agenda. Its as if you get married, you consumate it, have sex to get children then when you do get them thats it. Finished.

Some may be thinking...yeah, and? I love my wife and children and I don't want to lose the 'package'. However I need and want sex. To be more specific I need and want to make love to my wife...I want to have a good sexual relationship with HER, I want HER to to make me cum, I want to make HER pant and groan with pleasure because of what *I* am doing. None of that is there.
So...what do I do? Marriage is a package, if part of the package is missing you go elsewhere. 
If you are loyal to Walmart and do all your shopping there but suddenly they stop stocking coffee (with you need and love) what do you do? Go elsewhere to get just the coffee!

Therefore I feel, that if your sexual needs aren't being met in your marriage then getting the sex outside is fine.
It is our fundemental right to be happy.

If people have managed to read through this to teh end...well done! I'd be interested in your opinion!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

More details needed on your attempts to woo your missus mate.


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## 40jane (Dec 8, 2010)

The blind can't lead the blind...same thing in my house. My husband stopped french kissing, once in awhile get a peck on the cheek. Any time I ask for sex, I get a "I am tired, leave me alone". 

Do I relate, most definitely! Do I think you should shop somewhere other than Walmart? Good question? Some would ask if there more in Walmart that you like to purchase, or is coffee the most important item? If coffee (you know what I mean) is the top priority it is human nature to want to find it elsewhere.

Is it right? Not sure what your morals are, religious background..but it is whatever you are willing to live with that comes with it. 

What would happen if you told your wife that you feel tempted in the marriage because you need this and it needs to be maintained? You might get your answer? She may either start being intimate again or she may not care ...think you should find this out.


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## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

Jezza...what was she like before marriage? and before kids?


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Our body is designed to have physical needs, to have sexual desire, to have emotional needs. 

Now to me, my opinion, those people who are married, if they deprive their spouses physical and emotional needs, it is a sin! If people think sex is a sin, I think people who don't fulfill their spousal duty is a sin. It is in the Bible, fulfilling your spouses' needs is important! It is glorified. 

If a husband or a wife cheats because they are sexually starved by their spouses, I won't feel that they did anything wrong!

Or for me, easy solution, walk away, and leave this miserable marriage!

She doesn't need sex, YOU NEED SEX! 

If she is a saint, she doesn't need sexual food to survive; YOU ARE A HUMAN, YOU NEED IT TO LIVE!


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

jezza said:


> Therefore I feel, that if your sexual needs aren't being met in your marriage then getting the sex outside is fine.
> It is our fundemental right to be happy.


You HAVE to talk to your wife about this first - before you act. True, honest, respectful dialogue, without anger, bitterness or resentment. Speaking to her in that way is the only possibility she will hear you. 

Then let her make the decision.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

She sounds very limited sexual experiences and she doesn't even know her potential and her true sexual desires...
You have to encourage her to try out new things and explore her body first.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

jezza said:


> Therefore I feel, that if your sexual needs aren't being met in your marriage then getting the sex outside is fine. It is our fundemental right to be happy.


You're absolutely right. I think my ability to find sex outside my marriage has actually kept my 22 year sexless marriage together. Find a Buddy With Benefits, preferably someone in a similar situation to you, and go for it. For many people, depending on marital sex for their sexual happiness is a recipe for misery. Life's too short.


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## Shelda (Dec 11, 2008)

There is more to a relationship besides sex.Communication is the Key.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Shelda said:


> There is more to a relationship besides sex.Communication is the Key.


Fixing a long term sexless marriage by advising better communication, or buying scented candles and sexy lingerie is like advising someone who's house is burning down to get out the garden hose. I suspect jezza's marital problems are way beyond the talking stage. 

It sounds like his partner is suffering from Hyposexual Desire Disorder, one of the hardest sexual dysfunctions to treat or to cure.


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## Shelda (Dec 11, 2008)

Doing small things like house work,making dinner,doing the dishes,taking out the garbage,massaging her feet.Listening to want she feels goes along way in making her feel desired.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

Sex is only unimportant if you are getting it or dont want it. If i am to keep myself for just for my spouse emotionally and physically then my spouse needs to make sure they are meeting those physical and emotional needs. If youve talked to her about the problem and done all YOU can, then tell her i love you and our life and our kids,but need xyand z. If you wont provide that then I take that as agreement that I will seek to get those needs met elsewhere with the upmost respect to you. then go get a friend


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

jezza said:


> Therefore I feel, that if your sexual needs aren't being met in your marriage then getting the sex outside is fine.
> It is our fundemental right to be happy.
> 
> If people have managed to read through this to teh end...well done! I'd be interested in your opinion!


Not sure about the word "FINE" but I would sympathize with your hurt, frustration, stuggle & temptation, even having understanding If you fall into the arms of another. But these things are not "fine", they shouldn't have come to this place. 

As many others on here have said, you 1st need to sit her down, have a long heart-felt talk about how YOU are feeling deep inside, that you want to make love to her, but all this rejection is destroying you, it is causing resentment, you are daily frustrated. You are now feeling tempted to do things that you do NOT want to do, you are NOT happy living in a marraige with NO passion, little if any intimacy. No man takes vows to have their spouses shut them out, deny them & only want sex for procreation, or as bad as it is for some, lay there like a corpse, so the man can get it over with as soon as possible. I would NEVER stay in such a marraige, never in a million years, I would be completely miserable. AND I would be tempted to cheat as well before it was over.

I do not feel all high drive spouses are selfish at all , most want to GIVE & GIVE & GIVE to their partners, like you stated here ...."I need and want to make love to my wife...I want to have a good sexual relationship with HER, I want HER to to make me cum, I want to make HER pant and groan with pleasure because of what *I* am doing". These are words of a generous giving lover, you need to find someone who would relish in this with you , living to Give & Please as yourself. Nothing can build emotional connectioin as well as these things, and nothing can tear it down as much as what you are dealing with in your marraige. 

Only low drive spouses will downplay the importance & role of sexual intimacy in marraige. They are not "feeling it" so they can not understand it. 

But again, she needs to know. Do nothing hasty, you need to be able to look yourself in the mirror every day, you need to know you have done ALL you can salvage your marraige, especially since you have children. 

Do you know what HER love lauguages are, do you feel you MEET them? Sometimes husbands & wives are SO very off in these areas, they completely do not understand their partners, but with some learning & caring to fullfill, they can turn these things around.

Amazon.com: The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts (9780802473158): Gary Chapman: Books


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I don't think I could blame a person who go outside a sexless marriage for relief, but I wouldn't recommend it, either. Sex is pretty easy to find, but a decent wife isn't. Your wife's attitudes about sex (and your's) were formed long before y'all got married. Sex is a natural, pleasurable, experience. If she considers it otherwise, there's probably a good reason. She might be the victim of some prior sexual abuse or maybe she received some religious indoctrination that told her such things were "bad". Either way, she didn't ask to be this way. The real goal is intimacy. You miss connecting with her on a very deep, physical level and she probably misses that, too. Would you rather spend an hour giving a romantic massage to a woman you love or 5 minutes receiving oral sex from a woman you don't love? Sex is important to both of you. You were both designed that way. The problem is not her but whatever barriers exist that keep two loving people from doing what should come naturally. She's being denied as much as you are. Try to focus on what can be done right now to increase intimacy. As the trust and intimacy grows, i bet some of these sexual barriers will come down.


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## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

Ill be bold here: I think a spouse should take care of your needs within reason. Does that mean that he/she should fulfill your every fantasy? absolutely not because lets face it... some people out there are pretty freaky! But, you are asking for some hot steamy sex with YOUR wife, right?! and I don't think that's too much to ask personally. I definately feel your pain completely, as I too am in a sex starved marriage except I am the wife. 
I have been going to counseling on my own, in attempts to repair my self esteem & thoughts on the subject and hopefully calm my thoughts on the whole sex issue with my husband. But I can tell you, even with these attempts I still feel at the end of the day that my husband HAS to start making every effort possible to figure out what's going on with him internally or I will definately start shopping for coffee elsewhere! What the hell else do you do when someone is depriving you of a need that you've had well before and during saying, "I Do." I've been very vocal about my personal desires & needs with him and it's been 7 long years together and I'm still not seeing him make very much effort to repair the damage or spark a fire. I'm an attractive woman in my 20's, college degree, outgoing & happy... loyal & honest - often spoiling my husband at times by trying to ensure his every need is met. I even work 2 jobs just so we don't have to worry about money! Yet, I still go weeks sometimes without a makeout session or sex. I will randomly give him oral sex without getting any in return and I am left asking myself sometimes - is this fair?! NO!!!!! IT'S NOT!!! Then to throw salt on the wound, you come across people at work or out and about that think you're hot as hell or maybe even flirts with you... so if they're willing to get on it then why isn't my spouse?! It's sooooo frustrating because all I want is my husband! 
I wish I had a magical answer for you, but hopefully I helped you see that you're not completely crazy and maybe you took a little comfort in knowing that you're definately not alone & I agree that you deserve more effort from wifey with regards to sex. Let us sexless spouses find the courage to figure out the solution through therapy or conversations or WHATEVER it takes in order to get our booty back on track and take away the hang-ups in the marital bedroom!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

unbelievable said:


> Sex is pretty easy to find


As a veteran of a more than two decade sexless marriage I can assure you this is definitely NOT the case if you are a male and looking for sex outside the marriage. 

Most women want some kind of relationship before they will have sex and so even an affair or Buddy With Benefits situation needs at least some intimacy to be cultivated which takes time, money and certain amount of emotional investment. So it is far from easy. Rare is the woman who will have sex with you just for the fun of it even if that is what she herself believes she wants. 

If you want "just sex" you really have to pay for it. Add to that the fact that a married man looking for sex is considered the lowest form of life on the internet dating sites and chat rooms and is treated as such. 

Women are the sexual gatekeepers and they will always make you work hard before they will open those gates. For men, unless you are very rich, a celebrity or very good looking or a combination of the above sex is ALWAYS hard to find. There is no such thing as "easy" sex.

Married women on the other hand, if they want to have extramarital sex, can, within minutes of letting a man know she wants it.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You and your wife need to have the frank conversation about the lack of sex.

If she does not feel it is a big deal, emphasize how big a deal it is for you. Ask her what you should do. Give her a choice:

1. Be intimate with you at a satisfying rate. Ask her what would work for her to achieve this. Be willing to listen and try those things. And find out why she avoids sex.

2. Don't be intimate with you but recognize that you need that despite remaining married. Get her to agree that you can seek out sex elsewhere.

3. Deny that you need intimacy, act annoyed that you do have this need. Divorce her.

Sounds simple to present. It won't be. But your alternative is rather stark.


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## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

Shelda said:


> Doing small things like house work,making dinner,doing the dishes,taking out the garbage,massaging her feet.Listening to want she feels goes along way in making her feel desired.


I don't think so. I've been doing many of those things plus many other things for years, like helping her with her own personal projects and extracurricular activities. Every time she has some sort of emergency, I am called upon. She doesn't feel desire, only relieved that there was someone to help get whatever it was done.

I do my share of housework, take out the trash, wash and dry non-dishwasher-safe dishes, and so on and so on.

I agree with Mr B's post:
_"Fixing a long term sexless marriage by advising better communication, or buying scented candles and sexy lingerie is like advising someone who's house is burning down to get out the garden hose. I suspect jezza's marital problems are way beyond the talking stage. "_

How can we fix a sexless marriage with lingerie if she doesn't wear it lol


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

I'm willing to cut the scented candle crowd some slack in these discussion groups because most, if not all, have never been in a long term sexless marriage and have no idea what it's like. I do however become infuriated with the "Sexperts" who peddle books advising the same things. Books that do nothing but make people feel like failures when the "garden hose" advice they give fails to solve the problem.


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## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

I will admit I have tried the dreaded conservation. I've asked her why she doesn't do anything but lie there, or why she doesn't touch me and so on. She just tells me to tell her what I want her to do. She shouldn't be asking. She knew what to do before marriage and I don't want to tell my wife how to love me and make me feel good. So that conservation ended not so good.


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## Shelda (Dec 11, 2008)

So you get the Sex going again then what? That's all there is ? Should be looking at the whole relationship.Sex is really just a small part of it.Sex is to express love towards another. There may be many reasons why your spouse does not want to love you in that way.


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## Blukitti (Jan 17, 2011)

It seems to me like you have already made your decision to find sex outside your marriage and have just come here to find someone to agree with you to assuage you conscience. If this is what you need, then it seems you have found it. But if you really care about your family and your marriage, you will follow the advice of those who are telling to talk it out and communicate with your wife. Either way, you and your family, and maybe someone else's family too, must live with the consequences forever.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Extraordinarily inappropriate, and extraordinarily unhelpful. Please refrain from personal attacks.

He hasn't done a blessed thing yet. He's frustrated, and is here venting. If he crosses the line to infidelity, then he reaps what he sows, and it will be a bitter harvest. Having been in a sexless marriage, I can assure you we aren't all relationship morons and selfish pieces of sh!t.



kclqueens said:


> hi there.
> i strongly recommend u read this before u do the most selfish thing ever.
> dont cheat on your wife u sack of ****!
> 
> ...


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

Many thanks to you all for your guidance. However I find it sad that in this type of forum one respondant feels that they have to be insulting...
I met my wife about 23 years ago. She was a virgin, I wasn't. She was never adventurous in bed...no tongue kissing, oral etc. She was never happy or at ease with sex. I can recall 2-3 'dirty' weekends in the early days when we had sex maybe 4 times a day...but she never managed to let herself go and just enjoy the moment to its full. 
I was hoping that in time she would 'mellow' - grow up and enjoy sex. Lots of you are saying that I should woo her....make her dinner etc. I do 90% of the cooking (in a 'former life' I was trained and worked as a chef) because I enjoy it. Presentation is very important...and for me every meal is special. 
We live in a country (without giving too much away!) where live in 'home help' is the norm and our children are at boarding school (neccessity) and my wife works part-time. She has NO domestic pressures. 
Our marriage (excluding the sex side) is more or less normal... We do the massage 'things' etc but they just never lead to more intimacy. For a long time (2+years) I have given up trying to push things towards sex, because when I am, say, massaging my wives back and I start to get an erection, whilst I dont thrust it at her, I certainly dont hide it either! She ignores it. For her, sex is just not important atall, it just doesnt cross her mind. 
To those of you out there is a 'complete marriage' with a fullfilling sex life, if your spouse suddenly lost all sexual interest in you, you would think that something is up (or not!!!!!)...is there a medical issue, is there a marriage issue, is he having an affair? My wife knows I need and want her sexually - even a prostate specialist has told me infront of her that men need to empty the system atleast once a week...yet it hasn't registered. I have tried talking to her but she doesnt see there is an issue.
If someone asked her if she was aware that my sex drive/need was higher than hers she would say 'yes'. If she was then asked when the last time was that she had sex with her husband (even gave him a hand job) she would reply 'a hand job 3-4 months ago'...if she was then asked if that frequency etc was normal she would just shrug her shoulders and refuse to 'go there'. 
I am sure that deep deep down she knows there is a problem but just won't ackowledge it because that will mean she will have to deal with it.
We are going through counselling...we have been given books to read and dvd's to watch about relationships etc etc she won't read or watch them. She won't do the homework. I do. 
The counsellor managed to persuade her to go and see a specialist to see if there were any hormonal etc imbalances...she made the appointment then cancelled it 36 hours before :scratchhead:
Our counsellor has told my wife that I am at the 'right age' when alot of men have 'wandering eyes'.... and that she has to accept (not necessarily approve of) that I could well be one of the many sex starved husbands who 'wander'.

To answer one respondent - I am NOT asking for s & m, torture sex, weird sex, sex in public etc....just plain old love making.... a married couple making each other feel WOW!...that is loved, appreciated, respected and yes physically enjoyed.
I want to give my wife multiple orgasms, I want to make her groan, I want her to want ME to do those things to her...just as I WANT her to WANT to do all those things to me!
Its as if when she was 'programmed' someone forgot to load the sex files!
Enough for now!


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## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

jezza said:


> Therefore I feel, that if your sexual needs aren't being met in your marriage then getting the sex outside is fine.
> It is our fundemental right to be happy.
> 
> If people have managed to read through this to teh end...well done! I'd be interested in your opinion!


How do you plan on getting another women into bed ? I guess I'm saying ,,, your gonna have to have a relationship with another woman in order to be happy.


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## jadedlady (Mar 5, 2012)

I am also living in a sexless marriage and not by my choice. My husband is addicted to masturbating to porn and refuses sex unless it was to procreate. I have so much resentment after being humiliated that I gave up also and just go through the motions of life, sticking around for the kids. The last time we had sex was in 2009 and we are in our early 30's. 

I had a short term affair and felt justified for stepping out because my husband make it quite apparent that sex with me was worse than having it with himself, a tissue and a lap top. He has called me names and made fun of me which caused a lot of pain and anger that I can't get over. Anyway, I cannot judge anyone for making the decision to have an affair but I can see how desperate you can become to have your needs met. Ignoring your partners needs is cruel and damaging to your spirit. I regret having my affair but there really isn't many choices for a person with a normal sex drive married to someone with a lower drive or just not interested in their mate. They will not change and the options available are:
- remaining miserable and stay married
- having an open marriage
- divorce

No other options since sexless people NEVER change.


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## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

jadedlady said:


> No other options since sexless people NEVER change.


That's been my experience too. 16 years and he hasn't changed at all. He'll make noise on occasion about changing, and to his credit, he actually will admit that we have a problem (this is something he refused to admit for many years). But I have no hope or expectation that he'll ever change. This is what the lingerie and scented candle crowd doesn't seem to understand...


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

Mr B said:


> Married women on the other hand, if they want to have extramarital sex, can, within minutes of letting a man know she wants it.


Excuse me, but that is not very true. Well, maybe it is true, I would love to hear how it's done. :rofl: 

Seriously, I think men would still have an easier time to "go to Target to buy their coffee". 

I guess what you are saying is that women need some intimacy before they can willingly have sex, so therefore it's harder for a man to find a woman that would just do it with him, but it's easier for me, a married woman, to find a man because he is a sex animal. Unfortunately, *I *NEED intimacy too before I can have sex. So the obstacle is still there.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Jezza,
Anyone can cheat. And for the record this type stuff is far better resolved before children. I say with certainty if you had insisted your wife get her hormones checked/read some books as a precondition for you even discussing having children, she would have done both those things promptly. Separate from that you could have insisted on a series of "honest" two way conversations about sex that would likely have opened her eyes a bit as to how this feels from the "other side". With some partners, in order to create empathy you need to inflict on them the say anxiety they are causing you. Delaying a child would have done that. 

All that said you are where you are. So the real question is this: Are you going to "sneak around" or are you going to have "that" talk with her? 

When my W shocked me with a comment about not wanting to last year we had "that" talk. It was scary but worthwhile. I told her I was going to take all the pressure off her to do anything she didn't want to do. And that I was also not going to be celibate. I have a LONG thread on this. It all ended very well. 







jezza said:


> Many thanks to you all for your guidance. However I find it sad that in this type of forum one respondant feels that they have to be insulting...
> I met my wife about 23 years ago. She was a virgin, I wasn't. She was never adventurous in bed...no tongue kissing, oral etc. She was never happy or at ease with sex. I can recall 2-3 'dirty' weekends in the early days when we had sex maybe 4 times a day...but she never managed to let herself go and just enjoy the moment to its full.
> I was hoping that in time she would 'mellow' - grow up and enjoy sex. Lots of you are saying that I should woo her....make her dinner etc. I do 90% of the cooking (in a 'former life' I was trained and worked as a chef) because I enjoy it. Presentation is very important...and for me every meal is special.
> We live in a country (without giving too much away!) where live in 'home help' is the norm and our children are at boarding school (neccessity) and my wife works part-time. She has NO domestic pressures.
> ...


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## lovergood2 (Mar 6, 2012)

Hi 

If you have cash get a sexy mistress and satisfy the other part use protection though and never tell the mistress about your family , keep your family and support them might sound filthy but I notice most married men get less sex ,


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## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

I would never leave my sexless marriage because divorce would mean I would see my toddler only part time. I cannot possibly imagine trading my time with him for the hope of having sex with someone else. Sex, to me, is just not that important.

There are ways to try to make yourself happy in life even in a sexless marriage and as I've posted in other threads, I truly believe I am happy. I think it helps though that I dont have a very high sex drive. And by the way, I do not go outside of my marriage for sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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