# Trying to figure it all out



## JacknDiane (Dec 20, 2012)

Thanks Everyone


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

If you were old school, you would have divorced her on the spot. Really old school is a felony now a days.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Words, threats and ultimatums don't work. Time to play hardball.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

She's a teacher and you work in a small community. Threaten exposure if she doesn't stop it right away. I can understand the sensitivity of trying to save her reputation; however, you are not to blame for any tarnish, ridicule and scorn she may get. She's the fvcking teacher that is fvcking another guy. If she was so damned worried about her fvcking reputation, she should have kept her pants on. 

You know what? You may want to expose now. Even if you don't have the proof, in a small town word will still get around. Then I'd tell her Merry Fvcking Christmas...


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> She's a teacher and you work in a small community. Threaten exposure if she doesn't stop it right away.


Not sure I agree with this completely. Threatening exposure gives them time to paint you as jealous, crazy, off your rocker, etc. in order to minimize the impact. I would just go nuclear right now. She had her chance to come clean.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Jack, she is deeeeeep into the affair fog. She really believes all of the sh-t she's saying to you. She will re-write your marital history now and you will be made to look like an a-hole. It's what all cheaters do. It's in the script they get from the collective conscience and stuff.

Anyway, read the noob link in Pit's thread. Study it and understand that sometimes you gotta retreat your feelings during this time. Like I've said many times in this forum - In negotiations, the person who is willing to walk away from the table holds the cards.

You gotta be willing to walk.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

3putt said:


> Not sure I agree with this completely. Threatening exposure gives them time to paint you as jealous, crazy, off your rocker, etc. in order to minimize the impact. I would just go nuclear right now. She had her chance to come clean.


Agree. I changed my tune during my thread in the second paragraph. I'd expose now, who cares if her reputation is soiled. She's the one that soiled it after all. She seems pretty proud of her decisions and doesn't feel that she did anything wrong. Well, let the community be the judge of that...


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

JacknDiane said:


> Sorry "Plan" That's not how I roll. *Keep in mind I have kids in this school too. I need to protect them as well. Most everyone that works in this school I know very well and consider my friends. We are a community. This is also her hometown.* This is my kids hometown. Reading what "Pit" has written about the drugs the brain is dealing with while in an affair. Doesn't make it right but helps me understand what is possibly going on in her head and why the sudden change in character. Right now I need to get through the Holidays. I am also trying to figure out how to deal with my religious beliefs here too. There is a lot going on in my head.


It's your choice. But she appears to be an unrepentant cheater. It may be her hometown, but she took a giant dump on her "community" by acting like a horses ass and having an affair on her husband and family. Adding into this that she is a person who has access to the children of this community, you are doing your community no favors by not exposing her for what she is. 

Don't hide the lamp under the bushel basket. Remove the basket and let the light of what she did shine through to everyone. If she's so damn proud of her actions, share it with he hometown.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Well, man...then the damned if you do, damned if you don't criteria has been met.

It's up to you. Taking this kind of advice is tough. Trust me. My wife had a 5 year long physical affair with a guy. Do you think I wanted to hear stuff about being prepared to let my wife of 12 years go...when we have 2 awesome little kids and a great house and so on?! No. I didn't want to hear it.

Guess what? If you want any chance to salvage your marriage, then you're going to have to stand up tall and talk to that caveman dude inside yourself. Acknowledge that this sh-t hurts! Then, you can allow yourself to get angry. This ain't logical stuff to ponder, man. It's deep seeded hurt, pain, agony, and all wound up in that you have been made to look/feel like a fool.

Don't think I don't get that.

Take a deep breath. Go look in the mirror. Ask yourself what your breaking point is. Are you willing to hang out in the house just "for the kids"? Yet another thing I've got experience in...hating my mother for almost a year while in my 20's cuz she stayed with some a-hole "because of me". I'm gonna be 45 in 2 months. I still hear her say she stayed with him for my benefit.

What do YOU want?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

It seems like you now realize that you will never gain her respect by being a nice guy. It may be true that she doesn't love you now, and maybe hasn't in a long time.

But, her disrespect for you, the man that was central to her life for so long, is just dispicable. Stop arguing with her and do not plead or try to reason with her

If I was in your shoes I would insist she leave the home today - unless she turns over her phone, stops contacting him in any way until you've both agreedto reconcile or divorce. Don't let her sandbag you. She doesn't have the power she thinks she has unless you give it to her.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

IF she's cheating the only solution is to move toward divorce immediately with strict criteria where you are willing to entertain stopping that process. Your criterial are she agrees to never contact him again, shows you her phone and all the things you can read about here on this website.

The purpose of exposure is to crush her world, make the affair no longer fun, and put pressure on her from everyone around her telling her how stupid and irresponsible she is so as she is making her decisoin, she decides on the marriage instead of the divorce.

Tolerating your wife screwing another man for even one second is about the worst thing you could possibly do to keep your family together. Think about this.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

JacknDiane said:


> Married 19 yrs. 3 kids. She's 46. I always felt our marriage was pretty good compared to other around us. But I was wrong. A few months ago she gave me the she loves me but not in love line. Claims she's in a Midlife Crisis. Some pre-menopause symptoms too. I was being extra supportive as she has these emotional episodes from time to time. This time it was more intense so I took special interest to make sure I made some positive changes for her/us as I knew her age and some of the recent life events had her feeling old. Her self esteem has always been lacking even though I would tell her how good she looks and what a good job she does. Not enough I suppose. Lately She spends her nights with Face book and searching Pinterst for inspirational quotes. Mostly things that pertain to no longer taking crap anymore. An attitude we all seem to adapt when we get into our 40’s. I've told her that these activities are not positive activities.
> 
> Because of her late drunk nights out with her girlfriend (supposedly) returning home early in the morning was causing me concern about if she was having a drinking problem. But after a few odd incidents my gut was telling me something else. So two months ago I asked if she was cheating with one of her boyfriends from High School. She denied it but said things that had me really doubt her. Since then but I have been even more suspicious of her and have made a habit of checking her phone and computer when I had the opportunity. She would give me a hard time and tell me to stop stalking her. Jealousy and suspicion do weird things to a guy.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry you are here with the rest of us, I would rather not have had the need for CWI myself. 

You are still in the beginning of a long and bumpy road, lots of ups and downs. You have some ideas tight I think, you just need to follow through.

I have bolded one sentenceof high importance from your post. It is not she who sets boundaries in this case - it's you! You already found out that you can't make her do anything, stop doing anything or change a dvmn thing. What you gotta do is explain to her, that you will NOT accept her having sex with other men, sharing I-luve-yous with other men or flirting with other men - and hold on to these NUTs (Non-negotiable, Unalterable Terms). If she violates them, draw the papers, fill them out, and file for divorce. No yelling, screaming, crying etc. She will know then, that you have boundaries in place and will take no sh!t. Demand that she hand over her phone whenever you feel like it.

This was one of the moments that became a game-changer for me, when I was in danger of becoming a doormat for my wife.

You have nothing to loose, you have lost her already.

Good luck and take care of your NUTs and yourself.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Sorry you are here Jack. I tried to to take the high road it does not work with cheaters. You have to stop thinking of your wife as the one that you married. She is a changed person that put her self first. She shoved you and the kids to the back of the bus.

What I am about to write I am betting is completly outside your confort zone.

Demand that she writes a no contact letter to him and give it to you right now. You will send it
Tell her that she gives you access to all her email accounts and FB accounts right now.
Demand that she gets and STD test and you get the results
This is the big one. You need to expose. It does not matter about the job or reputation your marriage is at stake. You have to tell the OM's wife /GF. tell her parents and yours and sit down and tell your kids.

Put a keylogger on the computer and a VAR in the car. She also has to answer all your questions an not hold back.

I did not do this to start with and the A went underground deeper. It is going to cost you big if you do not do this and now. Sorry it is Christmas

If she says no to any of this tell her where the door is and get out. She needs to know that you are a bad ass that will not take any more BS

She is in a fog and you have not shaken her enough to clear it. Also she has had sex with this guy and I will bet that she did not use protection.

My wife and I, 29 years of marriage she was 49 2 adult kids a grandkid and she behaved the same way. My wife only turned it around when I went from the nice guy that took the high road to a bad ass that was not going to put up with BS

If you R it will be a new marriage your old one is dead she killed it.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

The way to break her out of the fog is by following the 180 stuff.

1. Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Don't point out "good points" in marriage.

4. Don't follow her/him around the house.

5. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

6. Don't ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.

7. Don't ask for reassurances.

8. Don't buy or give gifts.

9. Don't schedule dates together.

10. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.

11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

13. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue, no matter how much you want to!

15. If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the wayward partner)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life...with out them!

17. Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available...for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!

21. Don't be overly enthusiastic.

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!

30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"

32. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the affair partner.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

I would start with stating boundaries in case she doubts. Follow up with 180 if she doesn't comply.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

JacknDiane said:


> Since I just posted this today I need to read as much as I can from you all. Make a decision and muster up the strength I need to follow through with what I decide. I hear you all loud and clear. I just wish there was a way for her to understand that she's in the fog. At least acknowledge that. But that's not likely to happen anytime soon.
> 
> So you are saying kick her out if she doesn't comply to boundaries or Expose the affair
> 
> ...


She is in a land of unicorns and rainbows. She cannot really understand. My wife cried when she found out but those tears were about her and not about me or even us. Like I said I am sorry you are here. 

When you expose that POS other man do not even let her know what you plan to do. At first she will yell and scream and tell you it is over. That is do to causing her being lifted out of the pretty place she has been and not the real world.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

JacknDiane said:


> Since I just posted this today I need to read as much as I can and muster up the strength I need to follow through with what I will follow through with. I hear you all loud and clear. I just wish there was a way for her to understand that she's in the fog. At least acknowledge that. but that's not likely to happen anytime soon.
> 
> So you are saying kick her out if she doesn't comply to boundaries or Expose
> 
> I wait and tell the kids after I speak to her about this?


In affairs, haste truly makes waste. If, as it appears, you want your marriage to survive you MUST act immediately. Because the longer it goes on, the more serious her attachment to her lover will become - AND the more she will re-write your marital history - building resentments toward you for even the most mundane wrongs you committed in your marriage (like forgetting to take out the trash on March 14, 2003)

She'll be seething over *any* little thing you did wrong and make it out to be a planned devious act, a sign of your disrespect to her. You have to understand she HAS to justify her attraction to someone else - therefore the re-write.

You've let it go on too long already - I'm not blaming you - but you just can't ascribe your moral outlook on life to her at the moment - she's lost her moral compass. 

So, work on yourself, love and be there for your children. If it's a small community I'm pretty sure your kids have caught wind of what's going on and they're watching to see how you handle the assault on your family. 

They will form their attitudes about relationships from watching both of you. So, allowing this to go on for another day is not really helpful. At the moment you're teaching them to 'look the other way' and to rug sweep problems rather than facing them head-on. 

Make this holiday season the time your kids will remember their dad did his damnest to protect and save his family. DO NOT WAIT.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Is this other man also a teacher in her school? If so, that's important.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

JacknDiane said:


> What do I say to the kids? How do I explain?


How old are your children?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

JacknDiane said:


> What do I say to the kids? How do I explain?


Tell them the truth but not the details. 
You and mom are having some marriage problems. It's not their fault - not one bit. But they may see both of you acting different. You're working on keeping the marriage together. Both you and she love them. 

Don't do this without your wife. Do tell her that you're going to have a brief discussion with the kids. Tell her what you plan to say. Don't let her talk you out of it - be respectful - as much as you might want to, don't blame her or talk about another man unless they ask directly - if they do, refer the question to your wife 

Reassure your love to them.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Jack,

You need to get additional HARD evidence too in case it's needed in the divorce.

VAR in car NOW!
Keylogger on PC NOW!
Pull her cellphone records NOW and look at all the texts/calls to him in the last 3 - 6 months

Also, she more than likely has exposed you to STDs. Cheaters aren't know for wearing condoms. Get tested right away

Seperate finances now. Remove her name form any joint credit cards or cancel them outright

Take half the money in any joint bank accounts and put it in an account with only your name on it. Make sure your paycheck just goes into this account

After the above is done, figure out what half of the household expenses are and tell her she'll need to start paying her half immeadiately. Since you can't legally make her leave, she should cover 1/2 the mortage, car and house insurance and her own things like car payments and gas/maintenance.

She wants to be single and bang other guys? Fine. Let her do it on HER dime!


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

JacknDiane said:


> Let them know it's an affair? Or just marriage problems?


Personally, I would not only tell them about the affair I would also name the POSOM. Kids deserve the truth....especially kids their ages.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Marriage problems - youngest is to young to fully understand more than that. But don't lie to them. 

If they ask for more explanation hand it over to your wife. 

At most, for the time being, say that mom doesn't think she loves dad like she used to.

But if they've heard rumors then tell the truth about OM.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

You aren't; she is. This all on her.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

3putt said:


> You aren't; she is. This all on her.


:iagree:

She chose this path and had an opportunity to fix it before it got to where it is now

It's all on her


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

JacknDiane said:


> "SomedayDig" Then I get the "I'm not leaving without the kids" and "It's just as much my house too".


She is being crystal clear. She's digging in her heels, and fluffing out her feathers. She's a spoiled little addict and YOU ARE NOT taking away her fix. 

You can't halfway this or negotiate her out of this fog. This is not going to be pretty brother, she's deep... If your not willing to play hardball, my advice is to let her go.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

JacknDiane said:


> I hate to shatter their thoughts for their mother.


It's almost a certainty that the oldest already knows. They're probably worried already. They will appreciate being included in a brief discussion.

None of this is your fault. Be the leader your family needs right now. Your kids need to know its not their fault, your wife needs to know you mean business.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

JacknDiane said:


> No he is not. Our town is his also hometown as well. The went to High School together. He live about 50 miles away. Also he is not married. Divorced and Single


JacknDiane,

Your situation hits close to home for me. My wife was also a teacher in small community. But in her case she was having an affair with the guidance counselor's husband. She was also her best friend.

Since the AP does not work there or I assume has no ties to the school, I can understand you wanting to wait until the end of the school year to expose on her side. Others may disagree. 

But for sure, you need to expose on his side and to your wife's immediate family.

In regards to your children, I would be truthful to them. I think they are old enough to be told.You don't have to go in to all the detail, but your wife created this situation, not you. And it will be one other thing that makes your wife think about the consequences of her behavior and will hopefully contribute to getting her out of the fog. 

Like I mentioned, I went through a very similar situation, but didn't discover TAM until 8 months after Dday. I instinctively did some of the things suggested here, but made some mistakes because I didn't know better.Trust me when I tell you, the advice you're getting here is spot on. Follow it and be glad it is available to you now.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> You can't halfway this or negotiate her out of this fog. This is not going to be pretty brother, she's deep... If your not willing to play hardball, my advice is to let her go.


Your turn at bat against a hard throwing knuckle-baller throwing wild pitches. Stand tall and go for the fences. Let her know your not going to step away. You'll go down swinging first.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

JacknDiane said:


> Let them know it's an affair? Or just marriage problems?


I thought I was being noble and it turned out they had it figured out and were relieved that I caught her.

The oldest for sure. 

This is hard stuff. Grab the phone and call her parents and yours right now. Do not hesitate. Do not think in through no second thoughts 

I wish I had done these things right away as I said it cost me 6 more months of lies


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

JacknDiane said:


> Sorry "Plan" That's not how I roll. Keep in mind I have kids in this school too. I need to protect them as well. Most everyone that works in this school I know very well and consider my friends. We are a community. This is also her hometown. This is my kids hometown. Reading what "Pit" has written about the drugs the brain is dealing with while in an affair. Doesn't make it right but helps me understand what is possibly going on in her head and why the sudden change in character. Right now I need to get through the Holidays. I am also trying to figure out how to deal with my religious beliefs here too. There is a lot going on in my head.


Dear JnD,

You are getting good advice here. Let me add a few points.

You need to understand and accept that fact that your WW is so far gone that it may be impossible to save your marriage. Your only hope is to hit your WW up side the head with the proverbial 2x4 -- DIVORCE. I don't mean just threatening it because she's already proven that she is immune to your threats (as well as to reason and kindness). The truth is that this is the only means you have left of getting through to her. It's also true that, the sooner you accept the fact that your marriage may be over, the sooner you can start to heal and rebuild your life.

Hire an attorney and begin divorce proceedings immediately. Then sit your WW down and tell her what you've done. Then tell your family, pastor, friends, kids, etc., and explain why -- because she admitted to cheating and refused to end it.

Don't wait for the holidays to be over, do it now.

You can ask her to leave the marital home but you can't force her to. If she refuses, apply the 180 as explained in SomedayDig's post and get along with her as best you can.

I don't agree with the comment that you need additional evidence before acting. She's admitted the affair. If it ever comes to it, she can be examined in court and will have to admit what she's done or face perjury charges. Taking time to gather more evidence will simply delay the steps you need to take now. Of course, the suggestion that you monitor her communications and gather more evidence is a good one, just don't wait to act.

As to wanting to protect your WW's reputation, get over it. All you will do is enable her bad behavior and allow her to perpetrate the lie that you are somehow to blame for this. In addition, exposure sometimes helps a cheater to come out of her affair fog.

Regarding your kids, what do you want your legacy to be, that you were the kind of man that could be cuckolded and walked on or that you had respect for yourself, for your marriage and for them. Think about how allowing your WW to get away with this will affect your daughter (it's OK to cheat on your husband) and sons (a man should just bend over and take it when his wife treats him like sh*t). Of course, treat your WW with respect at all times, especially in front of your children. But show them that you respect yourself, too.

Finally but most importantly, take care of yourself. Exercise, focus on your kids, keep up with your work and start doing things for yourself (hanging out with friends, etc.). Not only will this help you stay sane, it will start you on the road to a new and better life. It may also help convince your WW that she's made a huge mistake.

Yah, I know this is tough but if you don't step up now it's only going to get a lot tougher.

Good luck.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

JacknDiane said:


> No he is not. Our town is his also hometown as well. The went to High School together. He live about 50 miles away. Also he is not married. Divorced and Single


Does he have a Facebook page?


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## committedwife (Dec 12, 2011)

JacknDiane said:


> I know I'm being way to nice but that's the way I was brought up. In fact she accused me of being to "old school" I know I need to start standing up for myself and after yesterday I decided to start the process of making changes. I’m staying healthy eating and sleeping normally.
> 
> I know what I need to do but would like to hear what everyone else thinks.


Yes. You're being way too nice. STOP IT. Have you exposed her affair to her family and yours? What have you told your children? TELL THEM THE TRUTH. Don't let her spin her story to them


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

JacknDiane said:


> Yes he does have a Facebook Page. I do not.


This is the most comprehensive explanation I have seen for exposure yet. From Marriage Builders.



MelodyLane said:


> [size:14pt]*Exposure 101 *[/size]
> 
> Exposure is simply your most powerful weapon against an affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposure can be ruinous. Exposure is no guarantee, but it is your best bet at killing the affair and making it possible to save your marriage. YES, we know your spouse will be furious, but the goal is to save your marriage, not to avoid your wayward spouse's anger at all cost. Your marriage can survive his/her temporary anger; it cannot survive an ongoing affair. Read up on why exposure is so effective: When Should an Affair Be Exposed?
> 
> ...





MelodyLane said:


> FB or email exposure letter to family and friends of YOUR WS - this was written by board member, Underdog:
> 
> Dear friends and family,
> 
> ...





> FB exposure letters to OP's contacts
> 
> Should be done to the OP’s facebook friends via private message. This is a very, very effective exposure because it is a collection of the OP’s closest friends and family. SPACE THE PM’S OUT 60 SECONDS APART SO FB DOES NOT SHUT YOU DOWN FOR FLOODING. Before you begin, copy and paste all the contacts into a WORD doc. Change your fb picture to a picture of you and your spouse and children.
> 
> ...


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

JacknDiane said:


> What do you all think about pressing charges. In my state Adultery is a Class 1 felony.


I take it you're not in the US? If it's a state law in the US I doubt it has been enforced in ages. 

I understand you are emotional right now and want to rain devastation on the POS-OM and he is a pos, no doubt. But he never made a vow to you. She did. He's despicable. She's despicable AND a cheater. 

You probably don't have enough proof to press charges - as much as you'd like to. 

You need to be in touch with a lawyer. Do it tomorrow first thing. Find out what your rights and responsibilities are or will be in case of divorce. While you're there ask about this law.


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## committedwife (Dec 12, 2011)

JacknDiane said:


> Yes he does have a Facebook Page. I do not.


Set up a FB page. Access his account. Send messages to his friends (space them out a few minutes apart or FB will consider you a spammer and will shut you down for flooding). 

Let all of his friends know that he is shagging a married woman - your wife. Ask them for help in destroying their disgusting affair.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> I take it you're not in the US? If it's a state law in the US I doubt it has been enforced in ages.
> 
> I understand you are emotional right now and want to rain devastation on the POS-OM and he is a pos, no doubt. But he never made a vow to you. She did. He's despicable. She's despicable AND a cheater.
> 
> ...


Yeah, it hasn't been prosecuted in, I think, 20 some odd years.

But it would be interesting to see the reaction of his WW and POSOM if he threw out the possibility of it.

Anything to make things as uncomfortable and antsy for the APs, I'm all for.


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## Yessongs72 (Dec 6, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> If she was so damned worried about her fvcking reputation, she should have kept her pants on.


absolutely


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

JacknDiane said:


> FYI I'm in Wisconsin and *there is a law for this that was put in place in 2006.* Your right I probably don't have enough evidence to make it stick.


Wow. Police resources must be stretched to the limit with investigations and the courts must be packed to the proverbial gills. 

Check with the lawyer - this law wold be a good lever if it's applicable. It wouldn't take much to get evidence - have a PI follow her for a couple of hours when you know she's going out if the lawyer says the law is cogent.


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## committedwife (Dec 12, 2011)

JacknDiane said:


> committedwife asked what I've told the kids. Right now only the oldest knows that Mom and Dad are trying to work some things out. Very Generic at this point.


Don't enable your wife's adultery by hiding it from your children. Why help her screw around with OM and make you look like the bad guy to your children?? Tell them the truth. Tell them their mother has chosen to be with another man. 

Stop the generic crap. Tell them the truth - to do less is enabling your wayward wife and gives her plenty of time to spin her adultery to your children; "Ooooh, your father and I couldn't communicate, blah blah blah." 

TELL THEM THE TRUTH.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Agree with committedwife. Now that the oldest knows something is off - *and you didn't tell her more than this* - she's going to confide in the younger ones - one or more of them is going to ask mom. 

"Oh your dad's going through some issues. He's acting a little nuts, don't listen to him, okay hun?" 

is she beyond saying this? Didn't think so.

edit: did you both tell the older one? You both should tell them - if she's there when you discuss it she won't be able to sandbag you later. Be smart.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> I take it you're not in the US? If it's a state law in the US I doubt it has been enforced in ages.
> 
> I understand you are emotional right now and want to rain devastation on the POS-OM and he is a pos, no doubt. But he never made a vow to you. She did. He's despicable. She's despicable AND a cheater.
> 
> ...





JacknDiane said:


> FYI I'm in Wisconsin and there is a law for this that was put in place in 2006. Your right I probably don't have enough evidence to make it stick.


Wow..didn't know about the recent Wisconsin law enacted. Dude, get the evidence (shouldn't be that difficult), go back a page or 2 and read the post about FB exposure, along with the family and his BW's exposure, and you can kill this deader than hell in a day!


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

If your wife has been having drunken late night parties in a small community, I can guarantee that lots of people know of the affair or at least suspect.

If your kids have observed this behavior they all know something is wrong and the oldest probably suspects what is going on.

It is hard to explain to children, but the simplest is always the best. 

"Your mother is dating another man and I am not OK with that. So we have to split."

She will not stop the affair until it is exposed. She will do everything she can to keep the OM in her life.

She has no love for you, no respect for you, no feelings for you.

Like many have said, now is the time for hard ball. If you want to save your marriage you have to truly be willing to let go and end it. It may already be too late, but you can try.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> If your wife has been having drunken late night parties in a small community, I can guarantee that lots of people know of the affair or at least suspect.
> 
> If your kids have observed this behavior they all know something is wrong and the oldest probably suspects what is going on.
> 
> ...


I agree with all but this TDSC60....


> It is hard to explain to children, but the simplest is always the best.
> 
> "Your mother is dating another man and I am not OK with that. So we have to split."


Your kids are way old enough to know the full extent of what is going on, and that she's not only dating, but having sex with another man, and that is not something you will tolerate in your marriage. I wouldn't downplay it one bit; tell it like it freakin' is.

Buddy, you're sinking by the day at the rate you are going. You have all kinds of tools and good advice at your fingertips, but we can't do it for you. All we can do is supply the hammer; you have to be strong enough to swing it yourself.

It's up to you. If you're going to go down, for God's sake at least go down swinging. I mean, seriously...what do you have to lose at this point?


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## committedwife (Dec 12, 2011)

JacknDiane said:


> FYI I'm in Wisconsin and there is a law for this that was put in place in 2006. Your right I probably don't have enough evidence to make it stick.


There's a law in place for telling the truth? Since when? Please show me the statute.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

committedwife said:


> There's a law in place for telling the truth? Since when? Please show me the statute.


The law works in his favor, not against him.

Adultery Wisconsin Law | Adultery is a crime in Wisconsin | Law Offices of criminal defense attorney Christopher Van Wagner criminal defense attorney Tracey Wood Madison Wisconsin


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## committedwife (Dec 12, 2011)

3putt said:


> The law works in his favor, not against him.
> 
> Adultery Wisconsin Law | Adultery is a crime in Wisconsin | Law Offices of criminal defense attorney Christopher Van Wagner criminal defense attorney Tracey Wood ******* Wisconsin


Get to work, Jack.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

You have been getting excellent advice, but you need a coherent plan.

First, buy a voice-activated recorder and some heavy-duty velcro. Put it under the seat of her car. If you can, keylog her computer and phone.

Next, plan your confrontation. Plan some time alone without the kids around. Tell her once again that her affair is all fantasy, your relationship with her is real, you have been through life's ups and downs together and have raised three wonderful children together. Tell her you love her and want to work on improving yourself and work on improving your marriage, but that you will not do so while she is having the affair. Tell her that you cannot control her, you can only control yourself and what you are willing to accept and not willing to accept in a marriage, and that you are not willing to accept her having an affair and stay married. Tell her she has five minutes to choose you or you will be filing for divorce.

If she does choose you, she also must agree to the following conditions:

1. End all contact with the other man now and forever. No contact means she does not answer his calls or messages. If she does so by mistake, she hangs up immediately. She doesn't answer any texts. She doesn't look at his Facebook page. She tells you about any attempted contact immediately. Handwrite a "no contact" letter, it contains no terms of endearment, no "sorry it didn't work out," "no I will always have a place for you in my heart," it begins just with his name and ends with "signed" and her name, and includes that if he ever attempts to contact her again, she will file harassment charges against him.

2. She gives up access to all communciation devices and accounts, all passwords, and agrees not to delete any messages or browsing history.

3. She agrees to get an STD test and give you the results.

4. If you want the truth, she agrees to tell you; if it doesn't make sense, she will take a polgraph.

In other words, with those four conditions, she agrees to live how many married people live perfectly happily - open and honest with each other, telling each other the truth, willing to protect each other from disease, and not cheating.

If she agrees to your conditions, hold off on the exposure to your and her family and friends and save it for if she tries to resume the affair or stay in contact with other man.

If she agrees to your conditions, leave the keyloggers and voice-activated recorder in place. Also expose to other man's family and friends even if she agrees to your conditions. When you do, he will contact her and you will see if she maintains no contact.

If she doesn't agree to your conditions, expose to your and her family and friends after you expose to his family and friends. Tell them she is having an affair, tell them other man's name, tell them she refuses to end it, and ask for their support of your marriage. File for divorce. Talk to her only about the divorce, financial matters, and child issues. Do not cry, plead, or beg. Remain confident in your course of action, that you would like to move on with her but you can and will move on without her. Strive for detachment and indifference.

Your wife is not going to agree to your conditons, so you will end up exposing to everyone and filing for divorce.

Be careful with this issue with your children. They come from both of you, and they derive their value from both of you. Tell them that you and their mother are having problems, that those problems are between you and her, and that no matter what happens, your problems are in no way their fault and that you both always love them and you both always will be there for them. If they ask you directly about Mom having a boyfriend, do not lie, tell them that it is between you and their mother. Do not expose to your kids or put them in a position between you and your wife.

You are getting and will continue to get all kinds of advice here. Most will give some variation of what I posted, maybe in a different order with slight variations. It's not all that important what order you do these things in. It is important to take some action and not let things drag out.

It also is important to have a coherent plan before you start. Don't wing this. Get a plan set, and then follow it. It will help if you believe in it and feel it is right, so pick the order you feel best with.

Some succinct phrases to sum up what you are doing:

Re: exposure - you are fighting for your wife and family, you are trying to end her affair and save your marriage, and you are only telling the truth, you are not lying.

Re: controlling who she can talk to - she can do whatever she wants, talk to whoever she wants, have sex with whoever she wants - you cannot control her, only yourself, and what you are willing to accept in a marriage, marriage is between two people, not three, and you are not willing to accept an affair as part of your marriage.

Re: privacy - privacy is for the bathroom, everything else is secrecy, and there is no place for secrecy in the marriage.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Kudos Will Kane ! Your post should be a sticky post here !


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

just read the first post. See where being nice and rational got you with this woman.

Time to start respecting yourself.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

JacknDiane said:


> What do you all think about pressing charges. In my state Adultery is a Class 1 felony.


Get the evidence first. Install a keylogger on your home computer and get all her account information.



Adultery as a Crime: Old Laws Dusted Off In a Wisconsin Case - New York Times


What is your deal breaker ? She is going and having sex with other men while living in the same house as you. When is it enough ?

Read this book

https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf

Buy the book from Amazon and read it. You are being nice to a fault. People like your wife just take advantage of your rationality and nice behavior. Find your anger


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

JacknDiane said:


> FYI I'm in Wisconsin and there is a law for this that was put in place in 2006. Your right I probably don't have enough evidence to make it stick.


You may not but pushing it as hard as you can may help a lot.

You can swear out a warrant and have him served. If its criminal there should also be a civil complaint possibility.

You said he was form your town. Also out him to his family and friends there. Puthim on cheaterville.com and send him and your wife the link.

In for dime in for a dollar.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

The advice about a plan is very very very important.

Don't just start telling people.

The plan includes:

What will say to your wife in an initial confrontation
What your condidtions are for you not to divorce her
What you will do if she agrees to stay married
What you will do if she cannot decide on the spot to stay married
How and who you will expose to- this must be planned out and done in one day to aviod her spinning.
What you will tell your kids.
Your attitude must be solid in your head... Meet these conditions A,B,C and you will stop the divorce procedure.

You don't move out. If she does not agree to move out you proceed witht the divorce and all communciation with her is "IF YOU DO A,B,C you can stop this from happening"


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

and learn to reveal little to your wife, she cannot counter you if she does know what your plans are especialy when and who you expose to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

Read the newbie link above
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Jack I am going to talk to you like I would my brother. Soaking it in means I am not dealing with this it is to much to handle. I get it I was there. That is why you tell her parents and yours right off the bat, Tell them what you know and what she has admited to doing. Let them know that you want to R the marriage but you need there help. 

This is going to be hard to take as well. Forget Christmas you have to do this now and you have to be tough. 

Your wife has been and is going to get f'd by this guy again. Do you want that image sliding around in your head?

This is going to come out to the kids at some point. Do you want them to see a man, father, husband that took charge and did the right things or a weak person. You can decide how that one is going to go.

Get tough brother and do it now!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I'm a woman who's been cheated on, never cheated though.

Read what Will Kane wrote above. Best advice ever.

My advice would be to kick her cheating ass to the curb. You are being FAR too soft on her. If she doesn't want to move out then she does EVERYTHING you tell her to. EVERYTHING. If you need her to chop off her left tit and serve it to you on a silver platter, she phucking does it.

Cheaters should NOT get to call ANY of the shots.

Ask her what exactly she'd expect of you if the tables were turned? Would she really accept you doing what she is??

Frankly, I started reading this thread, read the first page and that you aren't willing to expose or lay down the law, and I thought, oh YAY, another soft-spined guy who's letting his lying cheating wife walk all over him, and I backed out of the thread. I'm tired of telling people like it is and them getting all huffy or just disappearing or making excuse after excuse as to why they could NEVER do what they need to. But then I clicked on the last page and read that you wanted to hear from women, so I thought I'd give it the old college try. 

Don't make me have wasted my time yet again.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You are a good man and good husband. I'd advise to to read some of the post from men who cut the cord on their cheating wives who were unrepentant. 
Most of the women are dropped by the OM and beg their husbands to take them back. 

You may not want to play hardball but there is no way that this can be kept from your children nd community. Your children already know something is up and they need to be told something. The unknown is terrifying for kids. 

Some in a tight nit community must know and the whispers will start. You are in shock but you have to take the reigns here and control the damage. She is cranking you around and playing on what she knows are your good qualities. Do what you must do to preserve your children's psychological and social well being. 

She should dictate nothing she has no right to privacy as it relates to the marriage. You need to make a line in the sand and follow through. She stops the affair or she leaves the house. If she refuses to leave and continues the affair, tell her you are seeing a lawyer. 

See the lawyer and start divorce proceeding. Easy for me to say but you either show your kids a strong man with principals or a weak and rutterless man. There is no way that being nice will make this turn out well. Which do you think would be better for them? 

Your wife brought this havac and destruction not you. Every thing she say is what she is doing. Don't let her offload the guilt on you. 

What would happen if you starting talking to OW? I bet she would lose her nerve real has.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Bumping this for you


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

JacknDiane said:


> If I install a keylogger any one in particular that anyone can suggest? same for the recorder.


I would use this....

SpectorSoft - Products

As far as VAR is concerned, any will do as long as it doesn't beep or have ANY type of light on it. Radio Shack is a good place to get one. It would help if it had a corded mike where you can wire it as close as possible to her for clarity. Let's just make sure it's properly hidden. While you're out shopping, pick up some heavy duty velcro as well. You don't want that sucker falling at her feet while driving along. Not good.

If you need some help on set-up, just holla.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Jack,

The #1 thing she fears right now is exposure and blow back to the OM. why? Because she worries that he will dump her if she becomes embarassing for him to be with.

That should be helping you set your plan and agenda.

You are at war with the OM until he dumps her cold.

So what will make the OM go away?

1. Expose that he is cheating with a married woman to his friends, family, coworkers, neighbors

2. expose that he is breaking up a marriage with kids. Don't play this to your kids, but do use it to the people around him. Make him look like the heel he is for what he is choosing to do.

3. Olympus makes a good var.

4. post him on cheaterville.com by name. send a link to his family.

This man is like cancer to your family. Cut him out and make his suffer for attacking you.

This will make him dump your wife are far too costly for him to date.

Only then will you have chance.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

JacknDiane said:


> Married 19 yrs. 3 kids. She's 46.
> 
> A few months ago she gave me the she loves me but not in love line. Claims she's in a Midlife Crisis. Some pre-menopause symptoms too.
> 
> ...


Best not to keylog if you will get caught. VAR alone usually works. Keylogger is excellent if you can do it, but tougher to install than the VAR.

The purpose of the VAR and keylogger is NOT to gather more evidence. You have MORE THAN ENOUGH evidence. You have her admission that SOMETHING has happened and, more importantly, that SHE REFUSES TO GIVE HIM UP AND WILL CHOOSE HIM OVER YOUR MARRIAGE. That is enough.

The purpose of the VAR and keylogger are to catch her in contact with him AFTER you confrong her IF she agrees to your conditions. Don't worry about that, she is NOT going to agree to your conditions.

By the way, the CONTROLLING comment she made was about you monitoring her phone, email, and Facebook so she can't continue to COMMUMICATE with him. The PRISONER comment she made was about you monitoring her whereabouts so she can't MEET HIM TO HAVE SEX. She has been trading sex for emotional needs and she needs both at this point. She has no interest in you because SHE IS REMAINING FAITHFUL TO HIM.

SHE DOESN'T WANT TO CHEAT ON HIM WITH YOU. Do you get this?

YOU ARE THE PLAN B. RIGHT NOW. All she is doing is placating you with vague statements of working on the marriage while she continues her affair full throttle and does everything she can to PROTECT HER PRECIOUS, WONDERFUL, HONORABLE OTHER MAN FROM YOU. She is not concerned with you at all. Did I say PLAN B? Maybe not even.

Go to any electronics store, look at the VARs, tell the sales guy you want to record your kids when they're alone in your house, let them help you get the best one.

Line up your exposure info.

Get some alone time without the kids.

Confront. Then follow your plan.

If she doesn't agree to your conditions, seriously consider adding this in to your plan: Pack up her stuff into the car, and tell her you will drive her over to other man's house. Then call him and tell him you have his soulmate here, and you'll be bringing her over with all her baggage in a few minutes. They'll both mess their pants, neither of them wants that, they like the situation as it is now. He likes a piece on the side and she likes having somebody take care of the house, kids, and bills while she lives the single life again. She wants you at home to take care of the kids and PAY THE BILLS while she lets this guy sweet-talk her and screw her.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. We've all been there. Your marriage has a cancer in it. How long are you going to let it keep growing. Through the "Holidays"? When do those end? Every day you let this go, like cancer, it's going to get harder and harder to kill. You've let it go on too long already.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

JacknDiane said:


> I hate to shatter their thoughts for their mother.


Did you hold her down for the other man? No? Did you suggest this course of action? No?

You didn't shatter her reputation. What you are wanting to do is to lie by ommission.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

I think the holiday season is a PERFECT time to expose.

She has to visit her mother and father. She has to look them in the eye. OR she is giving up Christmas and breaking up the family. And she will know SHE broke up the family. That doesn't have the same impact in the summer.

So...will you do what it takes? Do you have the balls to do what it takes.

You say you'll do anything to keep the family together. Really? You won't even tell the truth and according to your religious tradition "The Truth Shall Set You Free"*

It shakes out the cobwebs. It exposes the sham of a marriage you are keeping on life support. The patient either needs to recover or they need the room for the next patient. So the machines need to come off.

She's banging this other guy fifty miles away. She is willing to DRIVE 50 miles to go bang this guy. Does she remember to bring you a cup of coffee in the morning?

Think about that.


*Caveat: 'Free' is a four letter word.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

JacknDiane said:


> Keylogger will not work. Computer she uses is her work laptop. Logon password is unknown.


There are devices that you hook up to the router if she logs on at home. Try looking at brinkstone.com


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> You have her admission that SOMETHING has happened and, more importantly, that SHE REFUSES TO GIVE HIM UP AND WILL CHOOSE HIM OVER YOUR MARRIAGE. That is enough*.*


*
If you tolerate this you are a door mat!*


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

chapparal said:


> There are devices that you hook up to the router if she logs on at home. Try looking at brinkstone.com


Chap I think you gave the wrong link. That goes to a vacation retreat.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

JacknDiane said:


> Thanks again for the advice. I'm soaking it all in.
> 
> I am getting the sense that most of the replies are coming from a Male perspective. I would like to hear advice from a women's perspective. Maybe even a woman who has been the cheater.


3 years ago my old lady finally owned her sh1t and we would have long talks about her second life. So for what its worth her perspective to not exposing to others was just as exciting as me not knowing about her adultorous behavior.
I mean even when I know about her and OM she and OM still got a thrill on how others didn't have a clue on what was going on and even better her husband (me) was wussy enough to do nothing about it.

My wife told me that as long as I keep my mouth shut the thrill of sneaking around was always there, it was still taboo, exciting and thrilling knowing that family and friends didn't have a clue when her an OM were together albeit in a social setting or professional setting. As far as anyone else was concerned they were just friends!

In fact I only knew very little and that the naughty, dirty, and raunchy secret her and her OM shared was still theres and thers alone.

Once I got the smoking gun and shared it with others by asking for there support for our marriage my wifes affair was finally over. It was no longer "their little secret" now that there taboo behavior was exposed it lost its thrill.

Now that damage control was more important then having sex in the back of a car or kissing when no one was looking... the affair faded, lost its excitement, when everyone knew they were sleeping together, when they were seen together everyone know exactly what they did or were going to do. 

Sure the shame and humilation factor has alot to do with it, but me, my kids, her parents, her coworkers didn't do anything wrong, they just got clued in by what was realy going on and how wrong it really was when they saw her and OM walking together.

My point is making this affair inconvienent and uncomfortable is your best tactic in ending this. The only reputation getting hurt is hers and with out consequences for bad behavior, bad behavior continues!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Wow running off to the OM as soon as you left the party is very cold and very calculated. I'm sure it wasn't for a drink and wasn't in any place but his bed. 

Why didn't she just stay there instead of coming home?

You maybe can't kick her out, but you can cut her off fincially. You support the kids and house, but she gets $0. No joint CC, no paying for her phone - nothing for her.

It sounds like the IC is an enabler with the line "What do you what? What makes you happy? You deserve to be happy" which of course means the OM. With him there are no kids or house to care for, no demands on her time other than sex. It's all fun and games there, there aren't even bills to pay. 

What about the OM? Go after him and expose and humiliate him. If he isn't on cheaterville.com - get him on there now.

And don't white wash the cheating. when you talk to people about it, name the OM by name. Say she chose to have sex with him -don't provide cover for her - as it only enables the affair.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Oh, and take away her ways of contacting the OM. Her phone - gone. The computer - gone.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Send the OM a copy of the adultery law. Tell him any more contact at all and you will swear out a warrant for him.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

JacknDiane said:


> Yes it appears that I couldn't leave quick enough for her to leave and meet up.
> 
> Because daughter knows she claiming that I'm using the kids against her.
> 
> *Counselor just laughed at that law*. I'm sure WW told OM about it.


You seem to reject any action that could help end the affair and save your marriage. Exposure to other man's family and friends. Exposure to your wife's family and friends. Keylogging her computer and voice-activated recorder. Using the law that is on the books to your advantage. THESE ARE ALL THINGS THAT OTHERS IN YOUR POSITION HAVE USED TO HELP END THE AFFAIR - or at least end the pain of limbo and force a resolution.

You are too worried about what friends, sisters, and wife say. 

*Your situation worsens every day you let this go on without taking action*. Your wife must think you a pathetic fool for putting up with this. She probably feels sorry for you that you can't even stand up for yourself.

Telling the children was the wrong thing to do. Discussing the situation with her sister is the wrong thing to do. Tell everybody once, then stop talking to them. Leave your kids out of it, don't poison their relationship with their mother. You seem like you want to talk to everyone else to get them to do your dirty work for you, to convince your wife to stay with you. *Talk to your wife, tell her she agrees to end the affair or you file for divorce*. Then do it. She will let this situation continue on endlessly if you let her and don't force the issue. She is perfectly happy with you leaving parties to pick up your son while she goes to screw other man. The best of both worlds for her. It is a story we see every day on this forum.

As far as your kids go, they may find out the truth on their own. NEVER lie to them. But also NEVER put them between you and your wife. They come from both of you and they derive their value from both of you. If they ask, you tell them that your and your wife both always will love them, you both always will be there for them no matter what, and that whatever problems you are having with your wife are between you and her. They will be affected by her affair, but they are not like other family members to be part of the exposure. They are her children, you don't want to inflict any more damage on them by making them part of this conflict.


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

JacknDiane said:


> Yes it appears that I couldn't leave quick enough for her to leave and meet up.
> 
> Because daughter knows she claiming that I'm using the kids against her.
> 
> Counselor just laughed at that law. I'm sure WW told OM about it.


The counselor is free to laugh at the law, but they should be aware that statute 944.16 of the Wisconsin state criminal code is still on the books. Now, I'm not saying that you could convince a DA to seek an indictment, unless the circumstances were particularly lurid or egregious, but it is still an enforced and enforceable law.

More to the point, it wouldn't surprise me if a lot of people were laughing at this situation. As Will_Kane pointed out, you seem to be unwilling to do anything concrete to actually bring this affair to an end. More to the point, the manner in which you're handling it strikes me as being rather passive-aggressive. On the one hand, you refuse to expose the affair, ostensibly to protect your wife's reputation, but then openly discuss the matter with your daughter, and involve your (I believe) 11-year-old son in it, though still keeping him ignorant of all the facts. Children aren't stupid, and just about any of them that have had a middle school health class will be able to figure out that there's only one real reason that Daddy would lock Mommy out of the house, and it isn't for forgetting an anniversary gift.

You're in a rough place right now, but you need to man up and *do something immediately*. You wife clearly does not respect you, and a woman will ultimately not stay with a man she doesn't respect. If you don't take care of this now, expose the affair, and start pulling the 180 in the most visible ways possible, she's gonna file and leave you on her own terms. By that time, the whole history of the marriage will have been gas-lit to the point no one will know what to think or believe and you won't have a leg to stand on, and you'll be seeing your sons every other weekend and 1 major holiday a year.

I'm not saying these things to be mean, I'm saying them so that your indecisiveness doesn't cost you everything. We're all here to help you.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

You need to expose this affair every where.

You need to sit down all three kids and tell them: Adults when they marry do not have boy friends/girl friends and go on dates. To do so is wrong. Doing that is called an affair.

Well mom decided to have a boy friend and go on dates with him. Mom had an affair. Then tell them who the OM is.

Appropriate for all ages. The kids then know the truth so they will not blame themselves for their family coming apart.

This is why mom and dad are getting a divorced


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## loveisforever (Jun 21, 2012)

At this stage, he still keeps thinking and does not dare to bring divorce. I wonder if he has any self-respect himself. No wonder he has not get any respect from his "wife". Even his kids shows more appreciate emotion than him. Do not teach them to be like the current you, though. What a sad, helpless and self-absorbed father! Please have guts to face your reality head on!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

once again, notice when she respected you(Hint: when you respected yourself). playing doormat gets you nowhere..


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

I know you are beside yourself with fear, anger, remorse, and helplessness. But you have to find courage. Act as if you have courage and courage will come to you.

I find it odd that you are bewildered by a feeling that no one disapproves of her infidelity. But you know what? Your own inability to stand tall sends the same message.

I'm not trying to be cruel to you. I know you are in pain but you are refusing to use a needle to apply the stitches that are essential to recovering your self esteem. You're relying on her sense of... Something - something she doesn't have...to end the torment. Death by 10000cuts is more painful as you are discovering.

Read Wills post again.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

We've seen your story before played out with different actors but the same parts.

Exposure does have a positive affect

You say you can tell her who she can't talk to. Really? Do you also feel you can't tell her who not to have sex with.. You need to stand up and tell her what boundaries are not crossable and nit accept when she dies cross them.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> We've seen your story before played out with different actors but the same parts.
> 
> Exposure does have a positive affect
> 
> *You say you can tell her who she can't talk to. Really? Do you also feel you can't tell her who not to have sex with.. * You need to stand up and tell her what boundaries are not crossable and nit accept when she dies cross them.




Sadly he seems like a person who cant tell his wife not to have sex with OM.

She didnt respected him during her sex fest with OM and she lost the traces of respect left for him as her husband by how he handled her cheating. So she continued her A and banging OM right under his nose.

She sneaks out right from him to have some drinks with OM( We know what kind of drinking it is). Why she couldn't do that when he is already laughing and partying with her as if her cheating is nothing.If her cheating is not a big thing for him why should it be for her?


A good cry from her and few tears and I am sorrys, he is going to faint with over whelming joy. sadly She knows this very well.


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