# Do you think that men view EA's differently than women?



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I ask this because I still get the slight impression from my H..that because his affair was only somewhat emotional and just basic idle chit chat as he put it, that in his mind it was not as bad because nothing physical occured.

I am kind of thinking that for a lot of men that is more common way of thinking.....but then again at the same time..for me if his had included anything physical I honestly do not think I would still be with him trying to R.


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## Crazytown (Sep 27, 2010)

Well mine views it different that's for sure. He doesn't think it's that big of a deal at all.
Of course if I had an EA he'd flip out and kill the guy I'm sure.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I don't much truck with "men think x, women think y" dichotomies.

I think it has a lot more to do with worldview, background, etc.

Still, I see what you are saying, and I'll be interested to see the responses.


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## ShatteredinAL (Feb 5, 2012)

Considering how many times I've heard , "I never TOUCHED her"....id say most of them don't get it.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

highwood said:


> I ask this because I still get the slight impression from my H..that because his affair was only somewhat emotional and just basic idle chit chat as he put it, that in his mind it was not as bad because nothing physical occured.
> 
> I am kind of thinking that for a lot of men that is more common way of thinking.....but then again at the same time..for me if his had included anything physical I honestly do not think I would still be with him trying to R.


IMO all cheaters fail to see an EA as cheating. Even if their is kissing and sexual touching involved. 

Still it is. 

Also there is an army counselor on this board who likened and EA to a rape for the BS.

Numerous studies show that for woman an EA is worse than a PA. And for men a PA is more upsetting than an EA.

Still, I agree with Lamaga, the men may take the physical act of sex harder on a surface level, but the EA likely bothers them, too. 

Same for woman, a PA without emotion may be easier to take on a surface level, but deep down it bothers them just as much. 

It is rare for anyone to have sex without some emotional attachment. 

Some studies seem to support that above statement.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

My wife had a 4 mont EA with hs bf,nothing physical back in hs or when she re-connected with him 8 months ago.
I used to think a EA would be relatively easy to get over,boy was I wrong.Four months into our R and sometimes I'm not sure if I want to stay.
The majority of my male friends feel that as long as it did't get physical its not that bad.
I do know if it had gone physical there would be no way I could even try R,that would mean she gave herself over to him completely.
I could'nt handle making love to her again if the OM had been all over her.
Good thing she woke up after I kicked her out,the OM was nothing like he was passing himself off to be.OM has spread a lot of lies about her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EverRain (Jun 6, 2012)

Definatley thinks there is a huge difference, claims he did not even realize there was such a thing as an EA. Still tells me it wasn't real, he didn't feel for her. It was just a game to see if he could still get someone to like him to boost his ego. 

He talked about many special things about our life/love story and shared them with her, I asked what part do I have left that this didn't poison? He said his touch and she never could of had that because he would never have let it get to that point because he could never do that to me... That is what he thought cheating was. 

He does see that what he did was very wrong, but he also said that when I was reading all of it , he thought for sure I would see how ridiculous it was and know that he was just bull****ing. He always says "I did not go as far as you think I did"


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Whenever I say to H that yes you had an emotional affair...he says that was not true..it was just idle chit chat. 

Yet when I say to him would you be okay if I had idle chit chat with some guy online? Funny how no that would not be okay....


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Many guys say that as long as some guy hasn't had sex with his wife, that words mean nothing....until it happens to them. Then when they discover their WW saying "I Love You" to the OM many times over and calling him "Love of My Life" or Soul Mate, it suddenly becomes real.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

EverRain said:


> Definatley thinks there is a huge difference, claims he did not even realize there was such a thing as an EA. Still tells me it wasn't real, he didn't feel for her. It was just a game to see if he could still get someone to like him to boost his ego.
> 
> He talked about many special things about our life/love story and shared them with her, I asked what part do I have left that this didn't poison? He said his touch and she never could of had that because he would never have let it get to that point because he could never do that to me... That is what he thought cheating was.
> 
> He does see that what he did was very wrong, but he also said that when I was reading all of it , he thought for sure I would see how ridiculous it was and know that he was just bull****ing. He always says "I did not go as far as you think I did"


I think too that when you are reading it back to them...they probably feel very embarrassed...funny how those words sound stupid when your BS is reading them back to you.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

EverRain said:


> Definatley thinks there is a huge difference, claims he did not even realize there was such a thing as an EA. Still tells me it wasn't real, he didn't feel for her. It was just a game to see if he could still get someone to like him to boost his ego.
> 
> He talked about many special things about our life/love story and shared them with her, I asked what part do I have left that this didn't poison? He said his touch and she never could of had that because he would never have let it get to that point because he could never do that to me... That is what he thought cheating was.
> 
> He does see that what he did was very wrong, but he also said that when I was reading all of it , he thought for sure I would see how ridiculous it was and know that he was just bull****ing. He always says "I did not go as far as you think I did"


My wife did that in the beginning too, claims she did nothing wrong because she didn't sleep with him. So no, there's no difference.

It's the cheater who views the EA differently.

Here's a similar thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/43933-whats-big-deal-ea-ea-vs-pa-question.html


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

My husband and I agree that EA and PA, in OUR eyes, are equal as far as betrayal. We have both been on both sides (BS & WS). Because of this, we are BOTH more aware of how our words affect each other. At first, when mine was discovered, I tried the "we were only joking around...only talking"... but it hurt him deeply. I didn't realize, myself, exactly HOW deeply, until I saw the texts between him and the OW. He thought it was just talking... until I pointed out that you don't call someone who is "just a friend" 'sexy'...especially when you couldn't recall the last time that word was used to describe YOUR SPOUSE! And pictures... yea, easy way to get thru on that one! Send your spouse pics of yourself, same pose, similarly clad (as the OW/OM)...and ask if they would be ok with you sending pics like that to opposite sex friends. Funny how the WS changes his/her tune on that tactic!

Anyway, my husband and I agree on the view of EAs... that was my point.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Of course they do. If you talk to another woman that's cheating. If she rolls around in bed with some guy that's empowerment.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

My WS knew it was wrong the hole time,could'nt hide it very well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

An EA in which people declare love and call each other soul mates will likely eventually become a PA.

The only reason many EAs do not become physical is because the cheater got caught.

There is no reason to be online declaring love for another person or complaining about your respective spouses unless you are looking for something more than talk. 

If you wanna' complain, complain to a same sex friend, or go to a counselor. 

An EA, IMO, is just a PA waiting to happen. And, it will happen eventually.


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## mc1234 (Jun 9, 2012)

highwood said:


> Whenever I say to H that yes you had an emotional affair...he says that was not true..it was just idle chit chat.
> 
> Yet when I say to him would you be okay if I had idle chit chat with some guy online? Funny how no that would not be okay....


I am in R and to me it is as hurtful. H also says it is nothing.....but my point is how can that be when they have spent all their time email/ texting each other and ''helping' each other out with their problems. My H agrees he was a bit flirty but to him that was it even though he was hiding all these messaages from me. If it was nothing why do that. :-( It doesn't make sense.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EverRain (Jun 6, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Many guys say that as long as some guy hasn't had sex with his wife, that words mean nothing....until it happens to them. Then when they discover their WW saying "I Love You" to the OM many times over and calling him "Love of My Life" or Soul Mate, it suddenly becomes real.


Its very odd that most guys feel this way because my WS said to me after DD, that if I wanted I could go out and have sex with two guys if I wanted as long as I came back to him? :scratchhead:


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

EverRain said:


> Its very odd that most guys feel this way because my WS said to me after DD, that if I wanted I could go out and have sex with two guys if I wanted as long as I came back to him? :scratchhead:


Your WH said that to assuage the guilt he has about the affair. Notice he said that after DDay.


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## EverRain (Jun 6, 2012)

highwood said:


> I think too that when you are reading it back to them...they probably feel very embarrassed...funny how those words sound stupid when your BS is reading them back to you.


Yes, my WH has told me many times that he is ashamed and embarrassed of what he did. And believe me I read every word back to him and there was alot....


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

EverRain said:


> Its very odd that most guys feel this way because my WS said to me after DD, that if I wanted I could go out and have sex with two guys if I wanted as long as I came back to him? :scratchhead:


Do you think if you followed through it would really be ok. 

I don't believe that.

My STBEH told me the same thing. He offered to allow me to have an affair with some guy, with no hard feeling on his part. 

Then when I agreed (just to see what his reaction would be, but he did not know that) he suddenly changed his mind, became angry and told me he would not stand for it. 

IMO, my STBEH told me to have an affair because he knew I wouldn't.


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## EverRain (Jun 6, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> Do you think if you followed through it would really be ok.
> 
> I don't believe that.
> 
> ...


I realize it was probably some type of ease his guilt statement. I agree he would not be able to handle it, and he knows in his heart that I would never be able to do this. Damn, sometimes I wish my morals were lower so that I could do this to him so he could have a sense of how hurtful betrayal is!


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

EverRain said:


> I realize it was probably some type of ease his guilt statement. I agree he would not be able to handle it, and he knows in his heart that I would never be able to do this. Damn, sometimes I wish my morals were lower so that I could do this to him so he could have a sense of how hurtful betrayal is!



I do so understand your feelings.


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## Shadowboxer (May 23, 2012)

Although I had heard of an EA, I didn't really understand what it meant to have one until my wife became "just friends" with her old fiance (who previously dumped her . . . for cheating). 

My attitude was, "so your spouse is talking to someone, what's the harm?" Well, its an act of betrayal, plain and simple. The lying, the sneaking, the selfishness. It becomes an obsession for the wayward spouse. Makes me sick.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

EverRain said:


> I realize it was probably some type of ease his guilt statement. I agree he would not be able to handle it, and he knows in his heart that I would never be able to do this. Damn, sometimes I wish my morals were lower so that I could do this to him so he could have a sense of how hurtful betrayal is!


I agree! I even went so far as to throw myself on Match.com and I told him about it..I was never serious of course (I took my profile off the next day)..I have zero interest in anybody else. But I wanted him to experience what I experienced...the paranoia, the wondering who is phoning/texting me, etc. etc.

It is crazy how your mind goes nuts dealing with this....


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

highwood said:


> I agree! I even went so far as to throw myself on Match.com and I told him about it..I was never serious of course (I took my profile off the next day)..I have zero interest in anybody else. But I wanted him to experience what I experienced...the paranoia, the wondering who is phoning/texting me, etc. etc.
> 
> It is crazy how your mind goes nuts dealing with this....


Just don't do something like going out and buying a pair of mens underwear and putting them in his drawer.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Just don't do something like going out and buying a pair of mens underwear and putting them in his drawer.



...with a bit of stain on it.


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## anonymous2 (Jun 22, 2012)

I agree I Told my H what he had was an EA and yet after he admit to it he tells me that no it couldn't be cheating because he didn't have sex with her yet they met up at some park. So once he told me it was just talking nothing more so I told him then if he thinks it's okay to talk to a woman like that then I should be able to do it too he got furious and said "go right ahead and do it see if I stay with you" they sure know it was wrong but want to justify themselves to believing it was okay because no physical contact was made. I still think its discussing and selfish of them!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

I know if I was online camming with some guy and my H came home? He would have destroyed the computer, half the house and maybe even me. And we certainly wouldn't be in R. So, I agree with posters who say its played down until it happens to you.

I don't like the men's thinking vs. women's thinking either, but our societies' history constantly proves otherwise. I read an interesting study that reported that in cultures where women vastly outnumber men - permissive sexuality abounds. The theory was that this is because there are so many more women per man. The opposite was also found to be true. In societies where men outnumber women by a large margin? These are sexually restrictive societies for women to live in because there are so many men per woman, that her fidelity and chastity come to the fore.

Not sure if this is true across the board, but was certainly true in the (non-western) societies they discussed.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

IMO Since I discovered my wife's EA and how I felt, that no one can really know how they feel until they experience it. If you are on the receiving end of the A then your perception is skewed anyway. it is called rationalization. He avoids the guilt by rationalizing that since it was just an EA that it didn't matter. 
Hell why don you set up an mock EA. Call a friend that you know he doesn't know the number. call them several times a day and leave the phone on. Send naughty texts and things like that. Then when he comes out pissed as hell and feels betrayed you can simply say NOW you KNOW how I feel *******. Just make sure that it is not a member of the opposite sex / or a member of the same sex you find yourself attracted to.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

My STBXH also said his initial EA was nothing. I tried to convince him that it wasn't nothing to me and was told by him that was my problem. The second EA w/cybersex he also didn't see as a big deal. I did and the second time I went for the divorce. Admittedly, this wasn't the only bad crap gong on, but it was too much for me to try to save our sinking ship of a marriage.


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## me2pointoh (Jan 31, 2012)

In my case, my WH thinks if I wrote those same things to another guy that he wrote to the OW, he wouldn't have a problem with it, because he trusts me. I said if I was writing some guy with that kind of emotion I'd be head over heels already. If I can help it (that is, if we do recover and stay together), he will never know what it feels like to be in this position.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

I don't understand how anyone can minimize an EA.

EA+Opportunity=PA

Unless of course you believe a cheater who will say it was only an EA.

And I agree with the poster that said, men may minimize it until it happens to them. I've read that women are more likely to leave their marriages after an EA so a man should never minimize an EA. That would be a foolish mistake.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

I think men are just like women in this regard. Some take the EA harder, some the PA, some make no distinction.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

My H had told me to go out and do something to hurt him (cheat) so that we would be even.......:scratchhead:

He doesn't think it should be taking me so long to decide whether to D or R after his EA's, since it wasn't physical...( at least he says it wasn't for what that's worth)??


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Nope, my W thought I should give her credit for not taking it to PA with her AP. So there is one woman who felt the EA was not nearly as big a crime.

However, she did admit what she did was wrong. She felt bad she hurt me so much. She also liked to remind me what she didn't do. She and I agree that a PA equals divorce.

Since she's never experienced an EA betrayal in any relationship, she really just has no clue. She will readily admit that.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

My H says that he puts himself in my shoes, and understands how I feel...

There is NO WAY he knows what I'm going through... just because he sees me hurting doesn't mean he knows how I'm feeling deep down inside...


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> My H says that he puts himself in my shoes, and understands how I feel...
> 
> There is NO WAY he knows what I'm going through... just because he sees me hurting doesn't mean he knows how I'm feeling deep down inside...


Exactly. Unfortunately, the only way he would actually KNOW how you feel...is if he FELT it himself. That's why I know how my hubby felt during mine, because I felt the same way when I discovered his. And, I guess you could say he knows how it felt being caught. Either way, it's a road we are both determined never to go down again.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

In general, I think I’d agree with a generic concept that the sexual component is more important to men. Now keep in mind there are also varying degrees of types of EA’s. I could easily see where I’d be more distraught (as a man) if my wife was sending nude pics and talking dirty to guy over the phone for months and months, than I would if she got really drunk and did a ONS. It’s the repetitive nature and the malicious intent/desire to repeat this over and over that really bothers me regardless of whether they actually physically touched.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

See, if I had an EA, especially now, we would be done. Our marriage was pretty fragile when she had her EA (things led up to it), so getting even would have just cemented our doom. I don't understand how people can even offer that up to their spouse. Do they really think the pain of you doing that in retribution will be less than the pain of their guilt?


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

This is my first marriage, and my H knew that 3 of my previous bf's had cheated on me... (yeah, I can pick em can't I)

Yet he stayed in contact all 12 years we've been together (I had no clue)with his ex high school gf (EA),, and another woman for 4 months "April 11 - Aug 11"(EA) that he had contact with right before or at beginning of us and she happened to look him up on FB.

Now since being exposed, I have found out that he cheated on his previous wife with these 2 women and "supposedly" walked out of a threesome(I doubt) that they were wanting to have with him (before us)..( I hope). 

And knowing about me being cheated on didn't stop him from having 2 A's in our marriage...and only stopping because of getting caught.

Yet he can't understand why I'm letting an EA be so damaging to our marriage? :banghead:


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

An EA can cause a LOT of damage and its difficult to repair the marriage,throw in the physical part and I just cant see me recovering from that.It would be too much.Never thought an EA would be so hard to deal with,for me a EA -PA would be too painful,just could'nt do it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

For me, an EA would be equally as bad as a PA. I also agree with Sara8 who said that women tend to view an EA as more of a threat to a relationship than a PA - and men, vice versa. I've read that this has its roots in our primitive wiring. Whatever the case, I don't believe either have a place in a healthy relationship.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

What would any of you think the success rate is for someone who had an intense EA for 4-6 months to realise the damage done and never do this sort of thing again?
I can honestly say my wife hates herself for what she has done to our family and is working hard on our R.
She really thought the OM cared for her,she knows she was in for a world of hurt,emotionally and physically from him now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LOSTfan (Jun 12, 2012)

when my w had an ea, I never imagined the ramifications of such a thing. And All that was done was texts back and forth for one night. I knew something was up that night and checked the phone bill the next day. And saw 40 text messages to someone who worked the same shift as her at work. I confronted her thinking she might have deleted them. She didn't, so I felt much better. Until I asked to see them. It was just banter like I love board games, I would totally beat you at trivial pursuit. Couldn't really get mad at that, but i knew what he was doing. Then towards the end of the convo, he said you're smart and beautiful. her Response " wow, I don't know how to respond to that, I'm just smiling now" 
Then he said he was now her secret admirer and she joked back hinting she was an admirer of his too. Those two sentences floored me. I was so hurt I couldn't describe it.

I think pas probably sting harder at first, but it makes the decision to leave a lot easier. With an ea, you wonder if you should give them the benefit of the doubt (my w said she just wanted her ego stroked a little and never would have gone past the texts, she even said she was already getting bored of it and it would have fizzeled out if I never intervened.) Then you wonder if it really stopped. You become paranoid, jealous, always wondering, is this the day it starts up again, have they taken it underground to the point where id need a spy to catch them. So eas may not sting as much as pas in the beginning, but eas are like a seed that just grows and grows and gets worse the more you think about it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Another thing is, EA is a broad definition which comprehend from pure cibersex/sexting type from a deep infatuation/limerence romance fantasy type with a soulmate.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

I read in one of the websites that when a wife finds out about A of her husband, first thing she would ask him : Do you love her? Does she look better than me?
For women, I think a woman cant tolerate her husband emotionally cheating. 

In my case, my wife's EA killed the relationship. Gone. 

Well, I would leave this question to veterans like Mori, Lord Mayhem, Beowulf, AlmostRecovered, Bandit45, Shamwow......


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

My opinions of EAs
women like them because either they are a preldue to a PA, the better to convince the (male) AP that they are more than just a piece of meat;

or women do it because they like the idea of getting the attention without having "to give up the sex."

Men like EAs because it makes it obvious that they are withholding something that their wife should rightly be able to expect. Maybe men who like getting involved in EAs are also passive-aggressive in nature.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

I know some guys who have absolutely no notion of what is an EA and for them is just fun and games. According to this type of guys it isn't really cheating if it doesn't get physical. Plus many of them don't even have real feelings and are really just playing around. Their words mean nothing and resent the idea that they are being unfaithful to their wives. 

This idea may be hard for women to accept but it really is like that. They are just training for the hunt, not really hunting. 

But of course it does sometimes lead to very real emotional pain for all in the triangle.


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