# I am cheating and I hate myself



## J.C.C. (Sep 8, 2010)

This is my first time here. 

I met my husband online 5 years ago, we talked and hung out but it was just friendship. I would get hit on all the time by other people but with him he never did anything like that. It was refreshing since I have been with a lot of guys and in a lot relationships where it was all sex. 

Needles to say I began to pursue my husband, and asked him to come see me, he said no. So I went to see him. He was 30 years old, never had a girlfriend, lived with his parents and was very shy and a little socially akward. He did not have a job but was in school (of which I found out later he failed some of the classes). I also found out he did not work for more than 5 years of his life. But it did not matter at the time, he was cute, he was a challenge, and he did not demand anything from me. 

When I met him things became intimate, and at the end of the trip he told me he did not think he would ever fall in love with me, this was just after we spent an incredible night together. At the time this was devastating to me. I was an accomplished person with my career and my goals, and I had always thought I was a nice and caring person. I had just thrown myself on this person and he just kicked me in the stomach. 

I left determined to just let it go and get with my life and pretty much give up on men and just go out for the sex and not care anymore, at least for a while. I was in my mid 30's and just tired. My husband sister sent me a letter saying not to give up on him and that she believed he did really like me, then my husband e-mailed me a week later saying he missed my company, and that he could not stop thinking about me =(

So this went on and finally he realized he wanted to date me. He still did not say that he loved me and was still convinced he never would. He moved in with me and I became pregnant. At first things were good, I was managing to be with him and be ok with him not being in love, because I really felt that he was and that he was just not able to recognize it. I was really sick during my pregnancy and he helped me a lot. He was, however, not motivated to find work or do much work around the house or with managing the finances. I paid for everything. He would spend most of his time playing video games and watching television. 

I gave birth to our daughter, and fell so in love with her, she is beautiful and sweet. He instantly fell in love with her too. I was having problems with making out finances and finally asked him to marry me. This was so that I could get more money (in the military) and have some assistance with benefits. I asked him every day and he finally said yes. He still did not tell me he loved me. He was never very affectionate and is a pretty quiet and reserved person, but we did have a lot of interests in common. 

So for another year he did not work, I worked and managed the finances, paid for everything, and he stayed with the baby and took care of her. Whenever I would have an issue at work I found it impossible to talk to him about it. He would always take the counter point of view and we would end up fighting. But most of the time we just hung out and did what we did. 

We moved out of state when I got out of the military and I found a great paying job. It was just before this happened, about 3 years into our relationship and he finally told me he loved me. I thought I would be overwhelmed with joy, but it was kind of just something said, something that I really did not understand because I had not done anything different. There was no passion behind it, just a statement. 

My new job was rough and I was gone most of the time, I was missing my daughter. My husband did not make any effort to find work, he believed he would not get paid enough to save on the cost of daycare, i told him he just needed to do it to get out and to make something of his life. I started to resent him and his time with my daughter and no effort to improve himself or to contribute. I would love for him to go to school, or try and work so that maybe i could take a job with less hours. I tried all strats, pushing, leaving him be, hinting, supporting, anger, etc. Nothing made him motivated. 

I ended up quitting the job and took another one closer to my parents. The new job was so much better and I am still working at it. I started to go online again and met a guy who was having issues being in a relationship with a person who he is not in love with but loves as family. This person is very sick and if he were to leave it would devastate her, basically he was/is chicken like me in leaving a place where you are unhappy because of the fallout. I was not attracted at all to this person at first; we would just hang out and chat. 

One day we just realized we were really, really starting to like each other. I met him in person while on a business trip and that did it for me. He was like my male counterpart, we had fun, and relaxed, talked about so many things I have not had anyone to talk to about in a looong time. I believe I was opened to meeting someone to fill a large hole inside me. 

We kept talking after that. He brought his girlfriend to visit me and my husband. She was very nice but not healthy. It was a weird trip because I wanted her and my husband to just leave and for us to just hang out together. This new guy and I talk everyday pretty much about anything that comes into our head, our desires, our dreams, our lives. 

My husband went on a trip to his parents with my daughter and intimate things happened with this guy, and it was the most intense feelings and emotions I have been able to unleash in 5 years. I am now so torn up inside. 

I hate myself for being too scared to leave my husband and do the right thing because I am god damned cheater and I never in my life ever thougth I would do that, I have never even considered cheating on any of the men I have been with, I don't understand myself anymore.

I feel that I am too stupid to figure out how to teach my husband how to love me and how to motivate him to be something in the world. Fundamentaley I have realized we are completely different people, and the exerior that I believed was hiding a special, amazing person inside, did not really have much to hide. He is just who he is, nice, akward and opinionated but never abusive or mean to me, loves his daughter, loves his video games and movies, loves to sit at home. 

I have been such a failure in relationships, I have had a total of 4 ranging from 2 1/2 years to 7 years. The first was incredibly verbally abusive, hence easy to leave, the second was addicted to drugs, again had to leave (not easy I really loved this guy), the third cheated on me..again easy to leave, but this one, he has not really done anything wrong except just ignore me and be ok with me doing all the work to support us and manage our lives. 

Now, this new guy, I know inside it is messed up. He should not make his girlfriend believe he is with her (he told her a year ago he did not love her anymore but he would stay with her to help her) or not tell her he is interested in me, he should do the right thing and thoroughly commit and work on issues or leave her and do it for the right reasons. He is also financially supporting her and taking care of her needs. 

But him and I are now insepparable, we find comfort in one another and a joy I have not felt with a person for over16 years (the drug addict was the closest thing I had to true love, I loved him and always will, but I had to leave because I could not stand to watch him destroy himself- he finally grew up and married another woman, I am not sure if he quit his addiction, I pray that he has).

But then I think about myself, and I am not any better, in fact I am worse. I am a horrible wife and person, and mother. I know I do not love my husband, not the way I tried so hard to do, but I do care about him and his life and do not want to hurt him. I do not want to take him away from his daughter, she is the only thing I have seen in his life that he has had true emotions and overwhelming love for. She is so dear to both of us. But it is eating me up inside, my emotional and now physical cheating. I just wanted to die the other day it hurt so bad. I am such a failure. It is so hard to live like this and it is affecting my work. 

I do not know what to do. I want to be with this other person and see where it goes but he is not going to leave his girlfriend, ever, and I can not be the single woman on the side, just waiting for him. I also have a husband who I think has so much potential but no motivation to do anything with it, and I have my daughter who I never get to see as much as I wish because of my overwhelming financial and work responsibilities. 

Thank you for letting me get this out, I really have no one to talk to and I do not know the right thing to do. My life is such a mess and I am really not sure how to keep going on doing what I am doing.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

You wanted the work in progress guy. The lump of clay you thought you could mold and shape into what you wanted. It didn't turn out that way and you strayed for what you really wanted.

Now before you decide the OM is the perfect guy, remember you only know him from the outside. You don't live with him, spend 24/7 with him. Guys and girls alike are good at hiding our Dr. Jekyll side while trying to get into each others pants.

BTW, the OM is taking care of a sick GF with emotional & financial support. I would probably back away from that situation until he's either done with her or she's out of the picture. Big drama, if she finds out he'll be torn in pieces that he just cheated on his sick GF and you'll be on the curb pretty quick. That's just my opinion though, but just think it through. A guy staying with a sick GF and paying for her care. Guys don't do that unless we still have feelings for this person. Do you really want this drama added into your life?

I can already know what he's gonna say, or close to it

"I'm sooo, sooo, sooo sorry but this should have never happened between us. If it was just you and I and I didn't have her I would be yours heart and soul. You are the perfect girl for me and I wish I would have known you before her but it didn't happen that way. She's sick right now and needs me, I was lonely and needed someone to turn to and you were there at the right time and place. I know you'll probably hate me forever now but I'll always have a place for you in my heart and will always think about the time we had. Blah, blah, blah after that point. Then goodbye."

Or you leave your husband, he leaves his GF and she goes belly up or gets really sick. He gets the e-mail/call that she's gone downhill since he left. He goes into a tailspin from guilt and you get another pet project on your hand. BTW I'm pretty sure he won't be the only one who'll feel like crap if that happens.


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## J.C.C. (Sep 8, 2010)

Ya that is what I figured. I am pretty much screwed in this situation. My thoughts are that he really does not want to be with this sick GF, and helping him realize that even if he is not the right one for me is the right thing for him to do. He should not stay with her for the wrong reasons right? 

But I guess my true question is should I stay with my husband? Obviously there is a big problem, I just don't know how to salvage anything and at this point I just don't want to. I am completely chicken to even tell him the truth. He will be devastated. 

Thanks for your advice.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I really think you need to get counseling and figure out what is going on with you. The other man needs to go until you resolve things with your husband. Either work things out with your husband or get a divorce. It is that simple or continue living in emotional turmoil.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I wonder if this other guy is really want you want, or if he's just an available target for your feelings.

You say your hubby told you he didn't love you and didn't think he ever would/could love you. Then you proceeded to date him, move in with him, get pregnant with him, and marry him...even knowing he didn't return your feelings. I wonder why you did that. I wouldn't want to settle for being with someone who doesn't truly love me. I would want someone who loves me and truly wants to be there. 

I think you are now dealing with the reality of being married to someone who doesn't love you, and this other guy is just an example of what you could have if you hadn't married your husband. Well, actually, I don't think that's quite right. I think...I think you saw something in this guy that was missing from your hubby (as you yourself describe, you talk about all kinds of things), and all your feelings that you can't really lavish on your husband, because he doesn't return them, you instead transferred to this other guy. 

Aside from the general wrongness of cheating, when you add in that he has a sick girlfriend, it's a really bad idea. And I also have to concur with the person who said he wouldn't still be with his girlfriend unless he had feelings for her. for most people, sickness is the point at which they bail, if they're going to, and if he had no feelings for her, he would have jumped at that opportunity to claim "I just can't deal" and ditch out on her. He didn't do that, so that tells me that he still feels something for her. 

You need to cut the other guy out of your life and resolve your relationship with your husband. Honestly, if he still doesn't love you, divorce is really probably what you two need to go with. You deserve to find the love and happiness you've been seeking all your life; and he deserves to find love, too. And you clearly have different work ethics and don't seem to be able to come to a compromise. Eventually this will lead (if it hasn't already) to great tension in your home, and your daughter will one day sense this. She will be able to tell that your relationship is unbalanced. Do you want her to grow up to think that the relationship you two have is the way it should be? Do you want her to have a relationship like this? One in which she is not loved by her partner? Or alternately, the one who doesn't love her partner? I think most of us could safely say no, we don't want that for our kids. 

If you truly think he might love you, then suggest counseling. Perhaps in counseling you two could satisfactorily resolve this situation so that you are both happy. But definitely get rid of the other guy.


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## LADYGAINES (Aug 30, 2010)

Wow this is a sticky situation. You sound so hard on yourself. You are only human. Not trying to justify adultery but its not like you have a loving husband at home. I feel some men push their wives into the arms of another man. We want crave love and unfortunately begin looking elsewhere when we are not getting it at home. Sometimes all a woman needs is an open door. Ok so you probably will feel like wrong is wrong and that is true but it also seems like you finding someone else was inevitable. I don't see why you married him either but no point in crying over spilled milk. I can't beat a dead horse and you definitely seem really down in your post. I myself married the wrong man inspite of how he was treating me. He said the words but his actions said something different but still I did it because I was in love and I allowed love to dictate my actions instead of my head. We all make mistakes. Don't beat yourself up so much. If your husband doesn't tell you he loves you does he at least show it? If he does will you reconsider working on your marriage? I agree with the others. No man stays unless his feelings are involved. Women tend to play the martyrs but not men. He is willing to sacrifice his own happiness because she is sick? So she has no family and friends for support? I doubt it. That may hurt but it seems like he isnt going to leave her regardless of if you stay with your hubby or not. So it seems he can have his cake and eat it too. Why don't you do that as well. Maybe you don't even have to make a choice. He hasn't. Make sure you at least leave your husband for the right reasons because if you do leave him you will still be alone. This other guy is not leaving his girlfriend. I think he loves her something awful to stay while she is sick. That is deep love. You have to love someone hard to stay there through thick and thin.


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