# Ready to Propose, I have the Ring...but



## IloveLife121 (Nov 11, 2011)

Part of this thread was posted last night, and the part I added today is after the *** stars. I couldn't figure out how to add to it. Sorry!

Where do I begin. I've been dating a girl for 5 years now. I'm 30, she's 25. I'm getting ready to propose to her in the next few weeks. The ring is almos ready. 

My family had a business for many years. The last few years the company was closed down due to economic times. My father had a business partner that did not run his side of the company well and really, is probably much to blame for the collapse. A lot of money was lost. One of them happens to be good "family" friends with my girlfriends family. Before the collapse, everyone was friends everything was great. After the collapse, I hate to say it but this other family (the ones that lost money) lets call them Family C, started being rude to my family when they would see us in town here and there. Probably 4-5 incidents where they were kinda rude, two of which was snubbing my mom and sister two different times. Now, if I lost money, I'd be pissed off too. It was quite a bit of money. Well, * * * * happens. What can I say. Sometimes business deals go bad. They were all real estate investments. And when property values drop, there's not much you can do. 

I love my girlfriend and am planning on marrying here. In the last few years, I've lost my credit, all savings, still live with my parents (kinda have to), and work for free for my parents to try to help them try to keep their home. It's been 2 years working for free. I'm finally gonna start getting some money now. 

My gf wants this family C to be invited to the wedding in the future, and my family says absolutely not, that family C has been rude, no longer likes our family, and shouldn't be invited to my wedding. My gf on the other hand says first of all family C is good family friends with her family, and her family has no bad tension with family C. In addition she says my family is the one that wronged family C, unintentionally. She even made a comment to say that if family C isn't invited, then no wedding-she said that's how much it means to her. I told her don't give me an ultimatum. That's so wrong to do. And her comment was 'that's how much that means to me for them to come too'. 

In a sense I think my gf is doing this out of spite. At least to SOME degree. Here's why. The last 3 years my family has put her thru hell. The family business went down the drains. We lost all our cars. Savings. No one has any money left. And the kicker...my dad was sentenced to 2 years for having his name as owner on the corporation when his employee secretly was doing illegal activities. So she's been through a lot with me. Now my family is telling me that when dad comes home, and we have the wedding, that he's gonna be so uncomfortable with this family C being there and he just got out and mom says he's gonna be very uncomfortable, "how dare me put my father thru that, to have to see those people". Yet my gf says hey, the situation sucks, Family C didn't do anything wrong, and its not your family's day its OUR day, but your family needs to suck it up. She wants them there. See that's why I feel in a sense she's being spiteful, bc she is ABLE to in this sense. Almost like she's getting back at my parents bc we would have been married 3 years ago. 

So now my family is saying there's no way family C can be invited, that i would go against the family. And she's telling me they're absolutely going to be invited. I LOVE this girl. I've wanted to marry her since 6 months started dating. I almost proposed then! But things and circumstance have happened and now it's our time and this is what I'm faced with. It's not fair that my family and her are putting me in this situation. Like I get do choose. It's a lose lose situation for me. I'm gonna upset someone. 

Bottom line is I love this girl!! I'm so happy with her. And here's something else to chew on...what girl would put up with crap like this for 5 years?????? She must really truly love ME. 

I WISH she would respect my family's wishes with this, but at the same time, I understand where she's coming from. If this family C comes, it will make my family uncomfortable at MY own wedding. That's unfair to my family. But on the other hand, this could be my future wife I'm talking a out here. Any suggestions??


First of all thanks very much for the replies. 

I know have to invite both her and my families, its really not even an option to just get married without them. I just don't get why both sides are so concrete in their ways. For her to tell me that if they're not invited=no wedding is SO wrong. That's like telling me that family C is more important than me! So wrong. And my family telling me that if family C comes they might not be there, also so wrong. 

Its basically a Lose Lose situation for me. I can't make everyone happy. I really really don't want to disrespect my family's wishes, as its still my family. But, this is my future bride. 

Not right on both their parts. Any suggestions??


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Elope.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> Elope.


:smthumbup:


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> Elope.


Exactly what I was going to say.

You don't need this nightmare On your wedding day.

Elope
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

How about Las Vegas? A lot of celebrities got married there.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

tariq456 said:


> Dear friends he also love with his family keep this thing in mind .


Yes and that`s another reason he should elope.

Avoiding this no win situation will keep his relationship with his family better intact.


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

How about you go talk to Family C and your family, get an understanding. Come to terms with what's done is done. You are all adults and people make mistakes. Get over it!

Since your future wife wants family C to come and it's that important to her, have her beg your family to let them come, if it comes to that. See how important your wife think of family C now.


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## IloveLife121 (Nov 11, 2011)

thanks for the replies everyone. The reason why we cannot just elope is because it means SO much to both of us to have both of our families there. So thats out of the question. 

The thing I think that I am most upset about is the fact that she at one point has given me an ultimatum. I understand that that is supposed to tell me how much it would mean to her should Family C come, but its SO wrong to give me an ultimatum like that. 

have any of you had to go against your family's wishes like this?? I know one thing for SURE...I WANT TO MARRY HER. I don't care about all the other nonsense, I'm so happy with HER and I love HER. its been over 5 years!! sure we've had our disagreements, but always at the end of the day, we work it out, and move through life TOGETHER.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, then this will be your life. lol. You can go against your family's wishes, you are grown. You may have guilt from it...so...I don't know what to say.

You could always have a small wedding and a bigger reception...maybe 2, so people don't have to mingle.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

IloveLife121 said:


> have any of you had to go against your family's wishes like this??


Yes indeed.

I`ve always supported my wife at one time to the point of telling my mother I`d cut her out of my life in a heartbeat if she didn`t back off.

She did which I`m thankful for but it was by no means an empty threat and she knew that.

If you`re dead set on going through with this madness then agree with your wife's wishes and deal with the fall out as best you can.

I do think it`s kinda humorous that you can`t elope because you so badly want your families there when it`s your families that are making you miserable over this.
Think about that for awhile.

Option #2 (mentioned above) small intimate ceremony with only immediate family might get you out of this unscathed as well.

I`d offer that to my wife before agreeing with her wishes on the big wedding if it really meant that much to me.

Personally I`ve been through all this family bull**** at my wedding and to this day I painfully wish we had just run off to Costa Rica and tied the knot just the two of us.

It`s the only sane way to marry.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

tariq456 said:


> You are in love and she is also . You should ignore her ultimatum .


Do this at your own peril.

It will not be a good thing.


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## IloveLife121 (Nov 11, 2011)

HER family is going to be paying for the wedding. My family no longer has any means to do that. with that said, does my family have zero say in who is and isn't allowed to come??? 

I understand the wedding is the day for Bride and Groom, but isn't it for both family's too?? its two families coming together...blah blah blah, you know what i mean. is it wrong of her family to not care of my family's uncomfortable feelings?? 

thanks again everyone


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Just beause her family is paying doesn't mean they have any say anyway.

It's YOUR wedding with your woman. YOU get to decide.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

IloveLife121 said:


> HER family is going to be paying for the wedding. My family no longer has any means to do that. with that said, does my family have zero say in who is and isn't allowed to come???


Nope, western tradition dictates that the one paying is the one calling the shots.
This is why I paid for mine.



> I understand the wedding is the day for Bride and Groom, but isn't it for both family's too??


Nope, it`s your day.
Allowing others to influence it is going to mar it at the very least.



> its two families coming together...blah blah blah, you know what i mean.


That`s not going to happen here is it?



> is it wrong of her family to not care of my family's uncomfortable feelings??


Depends on whether or not their anger at your family is justifiable and to be blunt from what you`ve stated here (and tried to rose color) it looks justified.


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## IloveLife121 (Nov 11, 2011)

wifeofhusband said:


> The ideal situation here is that both parties be grown up and put their differences aside for the day. Unfortunately, if the family is paying for the wedding, they will have a lot of say in the guest list. Why not pay for your own wedding or do the small family thing?



reason for not doing small family is because she deserves a big wedding, thats what she's always wanted, she comes from a BIG family (big for me that is) her side will be probably 100-150 alone, she's Italian. and to be honest, i don't want to take that away from her. she deserves the wedding she's always wanted. she's waited this long, she deserves it. 

YES, she can be incredibly stubborn (and sometimes immature/stupid) in her decision making about things. I feel that she _should_ be more supportive and understanding of my family's feelings too, but her answer to that is the fact that she's been patient and supportive the last 3 years of going thru this hell storm with my family. (she's got a point) but still, when you marry into another family, that family becomes your family too. 

and YES, we will be doing premarital counseling. we both agree on that.


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## misticli (Oct 28, 2011)

IloveLife121 said:


> reason for not doing small family is because she deserves a big wedding, thats what she's always wanted, she comes from a BIG family (big for me that is) her side will be probably 100-150 alone, she's Italian. and to be honest, i don't want to take that away from her. she deserves the wedding she's always wanted. she's waited this long, she deserves it.
> 
> YES, she can be incredibly stubborn (and sometimes immature/stupid) in her decision making about things. I feel that she _should_ be more supportive and understanding of my family's feelings too, but her answer to that is the fact that she's been patient and supportive the last 3 years of going thru this hell storm with my family. (she's got a point) but still, when you marry into another family, that family becomes your family too.
> 
> and YES, we will be doing premarital counseling. we both agree on that.



How about taking another approach with her on this. If its true why not says something like "Family C being at the wedding will make ME uncomfortable. I love you and I respect you. I as your soon to be husband deserve the same respect. Please don't ask me to be uncomfortable at our own wedding. You giving me an ultimatum with this will just result in me hiding my resentment on our wedding day. When you give me an ultimatum you are telling me these people are more important than me."

This honestly sounds more like her family making this a big deal than her, like we are missing part of the conversation...


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

Honestly I think your fiance needs to get over it... I think it's somewhat disrespectful of her. Family comes first, and if your family is uncomfortable with FRIENDS coming, then the friends shouldn't come!!! Or, you guys have a small wedding and reception with family and an after party with the friends at a later time.

Have you had an opportunity to ask your father what he feels about it himself?
Has your fiance talked to the friends at all?

It sounds like everyone needs to put on their grown up pants and get over it for your sake.

My situation is a bit of the same in the way that I do not get along with my in laws all that much... However, I still had H invite them - even his aunt and uncle who ended up stealing $100+ in wedding gifts off the table during the reception. I feel everyone should put behind them their feelings during your special day to make it a great day for you and your fiance. It isn't about them.

Perhaps you should have a heart to heart with your dad and your fiance should have a heart to heart with their friends and see what the resulting responses are.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

IloveLife121 said:


> The thing I think that I am most upset about is the fact that she at one point has given me an ultimatum. I understand that that is supposed to tell me how much it would mean to her should Family C come, but its SO wrong to give me an ultimatum like that.


 Wow, that ultimatum just told you a lot about her feelings toward you. If she loved you the wedding would not be more important to her than the marriage. Sorry to say, but the fact that the wedding is more important means that she does not really love you.

I would tell her that you have though about what she really is saying when she gave you that ultimatum and that the wedding needs to be delayed indefinitely until she gets her priorities straight.


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