# The housework attraction connection



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

This comes up all the time. There is no direct relationship of the uber simplistic sort more housework <> sex. This conundrum is confusing only because of the different perspectives.

His perspective is he wants sex.

Her perspective is misunderstood, at least in my experience which I THINK is common. The issue arises when she is taking on more than her share of the work in domestic land. YES she wants you to do your share of the housework. But not as some quid pro quo, but because the two are supposed to be PARTNERS, not her responsible and him doing what little he has to to get what he wants. YES she is tired from doing all this stuff.

Will getting on board with more housework get you sex? No. It is the bare entrance fee to doing your share and not letting resentment seep into your relationship.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I agree and I like how you said it.


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## Julius Beastcavern (May 11, 2015)

Guys should try hovering naked with a black bow tie on, it never fails (be careful with the suction though)


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I agree completely. Housework isn't an aphrodisiac, but having a full partner is essential to attraction
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I agree. It's not the specific chore, it's that we are both working together to get stuff done.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

So I guess being the main (or only) breadwinner, when applicable, is not enough to "earn admission"?

Somehow I don't think most men know this when they get married.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Julius Beastcavern said:


> Guys should try hovering naked with a black bow tie on, it never fails (be careful with the suction though)


Hovering naked takes a lot of practice. Just ask Criss Angel and David Blaine. 

Or do you mean hoovering, AKA vacuuming in the States?


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

technovelist said:


> So I guess being the main (or only) breadwinner, when applicable, is not enough to "earn admission"?
> 
> Somehow I don't think most men know this when they get married.



Where did anyone post this in this thread?


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## Julius Beastcavern (May 11, 2015)

VermisciousKnid said:


> Hovering naked takes a lot of practice. Just ask Criss Angel and David Blaine.
> 
> Or do you mean hoovering, AKA vacuuming in the States?


:lol: I'd like to blame auto correct, but I can't


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

technovelist said:


> So I guess being the main (or only) breadwinner, when applicable, is not enough to "earn admission"?
> 
> Somehow I don't think most men know this when they get married.


Sooo....this is the kind of post that sounds entitled and victimy. You had asked for examples in the blue pill thread...this post is an example. And I'm not trying to start anything with you, am just sincerely showing you the exact types of things that sound entitled and victimy.

Your post is the equivalent to a woman saying "so I guess having sex with him isn't enough, I also have to clean the house and get a job to be considered giving an equal contribution?"


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

technovelist said:


> So I guess being the main (or only) breadwinner, when applicable, is not enough to "earn admission"?
> 
> Somehow I don't think most men know this when they get married.


Partnership is about partnership. When I was on maternity leave, he worked outside of the home. He still came home to an exhausted wife and baby. He partnered by helping as much as he could. Once the kids were bigger, during the period when I was home schooling them, the understanding was that we home people would do the lion's share of the housework. That said, we were still partners. His attitude was never, well I made MY money, so Imma gonna sit on my butt. He never wanted to do the bare minimum to gain "admission".


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

technovelist said:


> So I guess being the main (or only) breadwinner, when applicable, is not enough to "earn admission"?
> 
> Somehow I don't think most men know this when they get married.


Unfortunately I think there are a lot of men who think the ONLY thing they have to do in the context of their marriage is make a living. A few things that leaves out that women actually want:

1) Being true partners aka making joint decisions about money and kids that you both can feel good about
2) Emotional intimacy
3) Seeing your partners needs as just as important as your own, actively asking and listening to what those are, and helping her to meet them

I also think women often take on too much, don't take responsibility for their own needs, and then blame their partners for not helping, which isn't fair.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

technovelist said:


> So I guess being the main (or only) breadwinner, when applicable, is not enough to "earn admission"?
> 
> Somehow I don't think most men know this when they get married.


No it's not enough because your "us" against "them" attitude (i.e. men against women) is a big part of the reason you aren't getting laid.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I do most of the chores inside and all the chores outside and it does not increase Mrs.CuddleBug's sex drive.

She appreciates it and can relax on her days off, watching TV, on her laptop and just chillin on the couch. But again, does not increase her sex drive.

To increase her sex drive she must feel confident and sexy about her body and at present, not happening, so little to no sex.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> This comes up all the time. There is no direct relationship of the uber simplistic sort more housework <> sex. This conundrum is confusing only because of the different perspectives.
> 
> His perspective is he wants sex.
> 
> ...


Would paying for a maid service count as my half of the housework?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

ScrambledEggs said:


> Would paying for a maid service count as my half of the housework?


We don't count. And no one person owns the financial assets. We are partners. If we chose to get a cleaner, it would be because WE chose to get a cleaner. Not because he is a lazy lame ass.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

ScrambledEggs said:


> Would paying for a maid service count as my half of the housework?


IMO it should reduce both your work loads and you can split the rest based on what works for your relationship.

There is a ton of housework that isn't just your basic everyday cleaning or stuff that a maid would be responsible for.

Plus stuff like cooking and grocery shopping, home organization and maintenance, meal plans, Christmas lists, kid and pet appointments. Basically everything else that makes your home and family run smoothly.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

technovelist said:


> So I guess being the main (or only) breadwinner, when applicable, is not enough to "earn admission"?
> 
> Somehow I don't think most men know this when they get married.


If she got a job and made as much as you, would she still need to compensate you sexually? 

Perhaps under those circumstances, you would feel responsible for having mutually satisfying, emotionally intimate and loving sex with your wife. That would eliminate the reward sex you seem to expect which has nothing to do with loving your wife or intimacy. 

Reward sex is a service provided just for one person who feels entitled because they allow their partner to live in their house, eat their food,, have and care for their children and sleep in their bed. Most men should know this does not work.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

My take is that if you're going to help out, it has to be because you actually want to help out. If you've got another agenda for helping out, its actually worse than doing nothing.

It's another one of those "it's the thought that counts" things mostly.

I've always paid for everything. It's nice to see some appreciation for paying for everything too though, even though it's really "our" money. I think maybe that was technovelist's point.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Anon1111 said:


> My take is that if you're going to help out, it has to be because you actually want to help out. If you've got another agenda for helping out, its actually worse than doing nothing.


I hate the idea that it's "helping out" TBH. Just the term makes me feel like he's helping her with her chores, not that he's doing his own responsibilities/job.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I'll tell you how I feel it may be similar to how other women feel. 

I am trying to understand. Every time I read about the expectation of reward sex, I cannot get my head around it. A husband and father needs to work no matter how much sex they have. If his wife were out of the equation, he would need to work to support himself and his children. He needs to work because a man's work is a large part of who he is. Why is this so hard to understand? 

Are you sure your wife values your support of your family more than she values her support of your family? Do you undervalue what she contributes and overvalue your paycheck and therefore lack appreciation. 

Suppose she feels "I've done so much for my husband. It's would be nice to see some appreciation for having his children, nurturing them, making a home, being a companion, taking care of the home front so he can concentrate on his work, even though it's really "our" family. He is never satisfied nor does he appreciate what I do" What do you do that shows her appreciation? Do you feel she does less for you than you do for?

I don't expect to be understood because I can't understand the sex reward thing. Sex is an intimate act of love and emotional closeness. It's mutually satisfying act or should be. Rationalizing it as a reward shows that sex is for benefit of one participant. I don't know what incentive the other participant would have. If it's a gift, wouldn't that be under the control of the giver based on feeling valued and loved? If it is required, it's not a gift.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I don't get it either. And I don't even have a traditional sort of set up. We are just two adults, doing our thang WRT house work type stuff. Sex is a completely separate subject and has never, ever been brought up in any way as having anything to do with chores.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I wonder how true this is....I think when a person feels especially cared for & loved through *"Acts of Service*" ...these sort of arguments & misunderstandings take place more so...as they are more sensitive to it's LACK.....just as a *time *or *touch* person would be especially sensitive to feeling her H doesn't spend enough time with her.. or wasn't AFFECTIONATE enough...

Also when a couple is so swamped, TOO BUSY, STRESSED, feeling pulled in every direction, cant fit enough time in the day..(we live in a very fast paced society even with all the modern conveniences)... many times 1 or both begin to feel their load IS heavier... 

On top of this.. if a couple is not *showing appreciation* in the little things along their journey together ....one will start to feel "taken for granted".. this eats at people.. It would ME TOO !....

Little gestures go a long way...



> *Anon1111 said*: *My take is that if you're going to help out, it has to be because you actually want to help out. If you've got another agenda for helping out, its actually worse than doing nothing.
> 
> It's another one of those "it's the thought that counts" things mostly.*


Motivation and attitude can not be underestimated.....Speaking on "the thought"/ the little things.... we had a Party at our house last night.. we always park our vehicles up a hillside on the other side of our property -out of the way.. so when guests come... they can park closer to our house.. (easy on them, less vehicle congestion)..... my H worked a 16 hr back to back shift the night before...got home , only had a few hrs sleep before this party began.. had to get up again this morning 6am to be there at 7....(I always get up with him to get his breakfast, pack his lunch - I want to be a help to him)..even if I stayed up too late, that's on me.

Now he's the one who needs to get to work.... I have ALL day (he knew I planned to go to the movies later)... he walked out telling me he was bringing the car down for me... I just stood there & thought.. "Gawd I love that man!".... he goes the extra mile ... HE DIDN'T NEED TO DO THAT.. I was the one with all the extra TIME.. I didn't work a double yesterday, I am not working today.. but still he wanted to do this for me... 

I have the same mindset in regards to him. I WANT his life to be as carefree as I can make it. ...WHY.. so we'll have more time to spend together !! (after all we are both TIME & TOUCHERS).... I thanked him for doing that.. telling him how wonderful he is... 

These little things go a long long way ..in relation to our attitude.....a little validation/ words of affirmation.. it's [email protected]#$ .....makes us feel like we're on the same team.. 

I have never looked upon sex in any way related to my H doing ANY of my housework.. If anything.. I've thanked him for how I've never had *to be a NAG* ...he's always been one to "get on it" when something NEEDED Done.. 

Even when I worked almost as many hrs as he did...I would be more apt to CHASE him away from doing housework chores of any kind... (unless I was sick for days or in the hospital having a baby...I've always told him... don't let the kids destroy the house, I want to see it in the same order I left it when we bring our bundle of joy home).....he always made sure this was the case & I was happy.. 

I don't want to see my husband waste his time helping me.. when he could be concentrating on *heavier tasks* that require Strength & know how that I just don't posses -where if I was single , I'd have to hire a Handy man/ Mechanic to do ....*.that's what I WANT FROM HIM*.. ..beings we try to hold on to stuff till it's dead.. like older cars, etc.. our Gravely mover is from the 70's ... the tractor deck shattered the other day, metal too thin to weld at this point, had to buy another ...he has to put that on....I can't do those things!.... 

So yeah.. the mundane cleaning/ cooking, scheduling kids, all of it..that's my domain...I want to do all I can possibly DO to hold my end ... this helps our lives run smoother....then he has more time & energy to have sex with me..or I'd be complaining [email protected]#







... ..it's unfortunate when the scales ARE tipped too much on one side & the other just CAN'T see it.. this could be either a Lax husband or a Lax wife.. I've seen both...and sometimes a family may need to downsize how much they have on their plates too...if possible.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

I understand "reward" sex in the sense that those who want it are thinking "I work hard for the benefit of my partner and if she is grateful, one way she might show that is to want to get physically close to me." I don't see anything wrong with that. But that's different than "I work hard so she owes me sex." So far I haven't seen that attitude from those men talking about reward sex.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Anon1111 said:


> My take is that if you're going to help out, it has to be because you actually want to help out. If you've got another agenda for helping out, its actually worse than doing nothing.
> 
> It's another one of those "it's the thought that counts" things mostly.
> 
> I've always paid for everything. It's nice to see some appreciation for paying for everything too though, even though it's really "our" money. I think maybe that was technovelist's point.


"Helping out" assumes that all the housework and chores required to run a home and raise children are solely the woman's responsibly. They are not. A husband has as much responsibility for these as a wife has.

Today most women work outside the home. And most women still have to do most of the housework, chores and child rearing. 

And even if the woman is a SAHM, she should not have to be working just about every waking hour. After work, there are sill things that need to be done. And BOTH are responsible for these things.

It's unfair and not sexy at all when a man ignores his responsibilities at home.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> "Helping out" assumes that all the housework and chores required to run a home and raise children are solely the woman's responsibly. They are not. A husband has as much responsibility for these as a wife has.
> 
> Today most women work outside the home. And most women still have to do most of the housework, chores and child rearing.
> 
> ...


Point. **** needs getting done. So people of responsibility get it done.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Women today in modern western countries are equals to men.

Women do not have to get married.

Women aren't forced to have kids.

Women can do whatever they want to and its about time.


If a woman wants to have a career, married and still have kids and do chores.....that's an amazing woman!!!:smthumbup:

But again, that same woman doesn't have to do any of that. She could just have a career and be single. She could get married, have kids and be a stay at home mom. She could get married and only work. She could raises kids, do chores and work a part time job when hubby gets home.

A woman has choice and saying they have to do all the chores and raises the kids while hubby works providing food and a roof over their heads is the least she can do then.

When I worked 45 hours weeks, I did the majority of the inside chores every day and all the outside chores. I grocery shop, bills paid early, take care of our kitty and take time off work to assist contractors with our upgrades and repairs and learn something new. 

I never let the chores pile up and then complain at the end of the week. 

I do maybe 20 minutes of chores every day and more on weekends.

Do I complain, I have to work, do almost all the chores, no.

Some people are lazy and get their other half to do most the chores because they can't be bothered and then give them sex as payment.

I know many marriages and relationships today were the guys work and do most of the chores and things around the house, while their ladies do not.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

firebelly1 said:


> I understand "reward" sex in the sense that those who want it are thinking "I work hard for the benefit of my partner and if she is grateful, one way she might show that is to want to get physically close to me." I don't see anything wrong with that. But that's different than "I work hard so she owes me sex." So far I haven't seen that attitude from those men talking about reward sex.


I think men who feel that they crave sex as a reward, don't have enough satisfying sex and physical affection in the first place. The reward thing is a half-azzed and indirect way to express unhappiness with serious relationship issues.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> "Helping out" assumes that all the housework and chores required to run a home and raise children are solely the woman's responsibly. They are not. A husband has as much responsibility for these as a wife has.
> 
> Today most women work outside the home. And most women still have to do most of the housework, chores and child rearing.
> 
> ...


not sure why you quoted my post... were you offended by my use of the phrase "helping out"?

some households do have a general division of labor. one spouse works primarily outside of the home and one spouse works primarily inside the home.

when the spouse who works primarily outside the home (who may be a man or a woman) comes home and does some "inside of the home" work, I call this helping out. 

Notably, in this arrangement, the spouse who works inside the home never shows up at the other spouse's job and "helps out"

So you have a situation where one spouse is 100% responsible for that portion of the work that is necessary to sustain a family, but I suppose there is no issue with that.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Anon1111 said:


> not sure why you quoted my post... were you offended by my use of the phrase "helping out"?
> 
> some households do have a general division of labor. one spouse works primarily outside of the home and one spouse works primarily inside the home.
> 
> ...


Being in a relationship and having a children is more than monetary support. After your day shift is over, there is the evening and the night shift. Children and a household are a 24/7 jobs. Why should the house grunt be responsible for covering all three shifts and the outside grunt just one (with lunch and two breaks and alone time thrown in)? 

When the dayshift is over, the evening and night activities are the responsibility of the two adults who made the family. If one or the other feels it is an unfair setup, they should be explicit. Pre-arrange things so that that the at-home-grunt understands that they are expected to cover all three shifts. When the the 9-5er "helps", that's overtime. 

No grunt in their right skull would agree explicitly to a 24/7 service contract but, many seem to have unwittingly done so. That's why communication is so important. 

Anon, why don't you tell your wife that you feel that you are fulfilling 100% of your responsibilities as a husband and father by working and monetary support. Let Mrs A know the rest is 100% her responsibility and when you "help" her, you expect to be compensated like you are when you work.. Let her know the value you place on your help and what she owes you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

:iagree:


Catherine602 said:


> Being in a relationship and having a children is more than monetary support. After your day shift is over, there is the evening and the night shift. Children and a household are a 24/7 jobs. Why should the house grunt be responsible for covering all three shifts and the outside grunt just one (with lunch and two breaks and alone time thrown in)?
> 
> When the dayshift is over, the evening and night activities are the responsibility of the two adults who made the family. If one or the other feels it is an unfair setup, they should be explicit. Pre-arrange things so that that the at-home-grunt understands that they are expected to cover all three shifts. When the the 9-5er "helps", that's overtime.
> 
> ...


:iagree: And make sure that you let her know that to you being a SAHM has little to no value... and that's why she has to cover 24/7 at home.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Many SAHMs don't acknowledge that it is hard to go out and earn a dollar. Many are so power drink being moms, especially with the media pumping them up all the time that they devalue their husbands contributions. That is the other side of the coin.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

nirvana said:


> Many SAHMs don't acknowledge that it is hard to go out and earn a dollar. Many are so power drink being moms, especially with the media pumping them up all the time that they devalue their husbands contributions. That is the other side of the coin.


Yes some SAHM's have attitudes. Most do not. 

Just like some working husbands are power hungry because they think that they are superior for earning the income. But most are not.


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## len51 (May 22, 2015)

We never used sex as currency. That road leads to trouble.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

When I was sole breadwinner - which I was for 18 years - M2 did all the housework. She wasn't real fond of cooking so we did a fair amount of takeout - fine by me. 

When the kids were all young - her workload was higher than mine in terms of raw hours. Once they were all in school it was lower than mine. Viewed over time it seemed fair to both of us. 

I do read stories that seem very imbalanced. No kids or kids are grown and the working spouse is still 'expected' to do housework. That seems unfair to me. 




technovelist said:


> So I guess being the main (or only) breadwinner, when applicable, is not enough to "earn admission"?
> 
> Somehow I don't think most men know this when they get married.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Yes

I did everything possible to emphasize that it was OUR money - that I couldn't do what I did without her support. 

I don't think M2 fully accepted that. Don't think she grasped that while I could have managed the 'mechanics' of life without her, it was the spirit of the marriage more than anything, that drove my career. 




EleGirl said:


> Yes some SAHM's have attitudes. Most do not.
> 
> Just like some working husbands are power hungry because they think that they are superior for earning the income. But most are not.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *MEM11363 said*: Yes
> 
> I did everything possible to emphasize that it was OUR money - that I couldn't do what I did without her support.


 We were "joint' everything too.....didn't matter if I worked 40 hrs, 10 or none.. it was just a Given.. being very careful with the spending.. he never had to worry about me. 

So much of this boils down to our attitudes, or as you said "The SPIRIT" in which we treat each other...it can make or break each day... 

When the husband shows sensitivity to his wife's needs if/ when she is having a stressful day & may need a little extra help..he will WANT TO GIVE IT -because he loves her and wants their lives to run smoothly....to play with the kids , to give her a Calgone moment.... this will go a long way with the wife.. or , should I say....*it should*..

I don't for a moment feel that all people are lovely, unselfish & helpful by nature.. taking the other for granted....it slips in far too often.. on both sides of the aisle.. in many areas.. this is just ONE.

I've always recognized my Husband's ROLE .... I could go on about that.. but really.. here I sit playing on the net.. I have the time.. . I've never minded the little things after he comes home from work.. I still feel it's my place.. .. if I was a single Mother, for example.... it would be doubly/even TRIPLY more WORK... 

"What would I do without you?!"... I say this to him every now & then... I feel that way...I recognize all he brings.. the money to support us all...and he fixes so many BIG things I never could !....I'd have to hire out & Pay out the a$$! 

I asked my husband the other day what matters MOST TO MEN, what does he think or most to HIM AS A MAN...Like "what do men deeply care about"...what brings them LOW.. or hurts their EGO so to speak... 

He had 2 responses..* #1* that he satisfies his woman sexually.. no man wants to hear he sucks in bed.. 

and *#2* his Providing for his family... that means the world to him (even if other women don't need it) .. I know mine still feels this is his role , his purpose.. . it goes a long way that I appreciate it.. and show this.. one way is by doing all I can do at home , supporting him.. in His Needs, Her Needs.. this would be called "Domestic Support" ....



> *MEM11363 said*: I do read stories that seem very imbalanced. No kids or kids are grown and the working spouse is still 'expected' to do housework. That seems unfair to me.


 When I read things like this..I CRINGE for the working spouse...I feel the heavy burden on them... it's just not right...


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

I bring home all of the bacon and do a goodly amount of the housework. I've even, on occasion, gotten "reward sex" for my efforts. 

It was fun, of course, but I wouldn't want to turn it into a duty, another chore around the house. The worst feeling in the world would be that he was only having sex with me because he's the house boy and that's his job. For me and for him.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I just think both parties need to be busy the same amount of time, regardless of financial contribution.

A SAHM can't sit for two hours watching TV while the toddlers nap and complain that her husband watches 2 hours of TV while she bathes the kids and gets them ready for bed. Just because they are there to react in case the house burns down, those two hours of relaxation don't count as work. 

Just like some men think that they earn the money and have some image of their wives having a relaxing, fun day hanging out with the kids who are always well behaved and Mom can clean and do laundry while they play nicely and think she has it easy. That doesn't happen, either.

It takes two steadily contributing for the same amount of time so they can maximize their down time to have fun as a family and as a couple.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

EnjoliWoman is one of the smartest posters on this forum!


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I just think both parties need to be busy the same amount of time, regardless of financial contribution.
> 
> A SAHM can't sit for two hours watching TV while the toddlers nap and complain that her husband watches 2 hours of TV while she bathes the kids and gets them ready for bed. Just because they are there to react in case the house burns down, those two hours of relaxation don't count as work.
> 
> ...


How about a situation with a SAHW who has pretty much all day to do whatever she wants, no children involved, whereas the husband works full-time to earn money to support them?

I would think in that case the SAHW should do most of the housework...


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

Catherine602 said:


> I'll tell you how I feel it may be similar to how other women feel.
> 
> I am trying to understand. Every time I read about the expectation of reward sex, I cannot get my head around it. A husband and father needs to work no matter how much sex they have. If his wife were out of the equation, he would need to work to support himself and his children. He needs to work because a man's work is a large part of who he is. Why is this so hard to understand?
> 
> ...


I totally agree with this post, however, imo, a lot of men have been trained that sex is a reward for good behavior.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

I'm not arguing with anyone about whether the husband should do work around the house. I'm not sure why people seem determined to argue with me about it. I guess I didn't use the correct language to describe the work. Never realized the phrase "helping" was so offensive. If you're determined to be offended, I guess almost anything will offend you.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Anon1111 said:


> I'm not arguing with anyone about whether the husband should do work around the house. I'm not sure why people seem determined to argue with me about it. * I guess I didn't use the correct language to describe the work. Never realized the phrase "helping" was so offensive. * If you're determined to be offended, I guess almost anything will offend you.


I wasn't offended.. I took your posts in the spirit that was intended...



> *technovelist said:* How about a situation with a SAHW who has pretty much all day to do whatever she wants, no children involved, whereas the husband works full-time to earn money to support them?
> 
> I would think in that case the SAHW should do* most *of the housework...


 If *I* was that wife, I feel it should be *100% plus*...

In our younger years, I worked part time .. my husband would say I was the "slave driver", he's called me a workaholic ..... I had these honey to do lists a mile long.... neither of us liked where we lived...we wanted to fix this house up & sell it...we had to do the work ourselves , or it defeated the purpose.. (just like getting baby sitters).... 

So (it appeared) every waking moment my husband was NOT at work.. we were working on that house...new roof, painting, digging ditches, remodeling bathroom, putting in new windows, carpet, built a chimney, laid cement, etc etc)... If I had him doing cooking & cleaning /laundry etc to help me... we wouldn't have gotten anything accomplished at all !! It was VERY IMPORTANT to me that he had TIME & ENERGY to do these Projects -that's where my head was at... I needed his lead & expertise ..

Truth is.. I might get MAD if we weren't making enough progress.. (I am the more impatient between the 2 of us).... To my credit...I was right there with the tool belt on beside him... we both worked our butts back then...

We sold that house within 3 weeks...it all worked out. we relax much more today.... it was a season..we pulled together... I look back & think we were an awesome team really.... After this we had 5 more kids...we learned to relax a little more. 

*What is a couple's goal ?? Do they want more TIME together/ more leisure..with the kids, personal hobbies?*... is one spouse stressed with deadlines, where mentally /physically they need more of a break/ more sleep or their head might explode....this may shift to the other ...where one takes ON a little more.. .

If I didn't help my husband -but complained while I was expecting more FROM HIM... well he'd want to shoot me!...and he well knew If I had to NAG to get things rolling.... it just wouldn't have served our marriage well... .we were on the same page. 

If 2 are willing to go above & beyond to help each other.. what a difference it will make.. and really. it makes you feel good at the ed of the day.. seeing what you accomplished together..

Though looking back.. that handy man house stole some thunder on our pleasures/ yeah the sex life... we needed a little better balance back then...a little more romping wouldn't have hurt!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Dug is always helpful. There is no talk of "my" jobs or "his" jobs. He supports us financially, plus helps in any way he can at home. And is genuinely happy to do so.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

jld said:


> *Dug is always helpful. There is no talk of "my" jobs or "his" jobs. He supports us financially, plus helps in any way he can at home. And is genuinely happy to do so*.


And you are happy to do all you can to help his life run smoother also..... I know you feel this way... holding down the FORT when he is away sometimes for extended periods of time (THAT is A LOT of responsibility there with all the kids..when they get sick, if you need repairs done) , even different countries...always the supportive wife of his ambition /career .....even when you miss him so much !... 

And you've remained Faithful to your word to "home school" as he asked early on before you even had your 1st child... 

But in our heads Jld.. don't we all feel we are responsible for "______________" ...(we can fill in the blanks ourselves)... even if we don't speak of each others "jobs" (we've never spoken to each other like this either)...

Maybe that would make an enlightening thread...getting to the nitty gritty on this... these divides of the sexes ... using examples, a verbal exchange ...where it does upset the wife/ the husband... where one feels taken advantage of, used as a "maid"...under appreciated...it's what we so often read here...










These arguments (about who's Job is whose) enter in when a husband &/or a wife have different ideas on *WHO* should be doing *WHAT*...*WHEN*....and sometimes throw in "*HOW*"...and *how often*...should it be equal turns? ....one cooks X many times a week or he needs to take out the garbage always or it's a split chore ?? 

Many don't need these things laid out like that.. they just go with the flow.. and for the most part.. it's all good...maybe an occasion tiff rears it's head.. but it's just a speed bump... 

But it seems others DO.... they EXPECT "_______________" and when it doesn't happen (add time & time again)...it causes rising turmoil in some marriages.. feeling used, taken advantage of.. 

It's for each couple to find their own PEACE and harmony here...seeking what each wants... and is willing to do, commit to it .... I think it's GOOD TO ASK THESE QUESTIONS of each other ..seek the feedback.. 

What works for one's marriage will *not* work for another's.. at the end of the day.. all that matters is how our spouses feel...


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Yes, you are right, SA. I sometimes feel like I would enjoy getting a job, but I made a commitment to homeschool the boys. I don't think it would be fair that the older kids were homeschooled, but the younger ones would not have that same opportunity.

I think it would be good to start that thread. I know I think Dug does not demand as much of me as he could. He is very kind to me.

I think we know we just have to make everything work. Whatever compromise is needed, whatever we each need to contribute, that is what we are going to do.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

The reason for this is that men want sex more than women. This is a fact. There are exceptions, but many more men want and crave it more than women. Men lose their sense of logic when sex/love/flirting is on the table. Women are much more in control of themselves and even have the ability to use this to their advantage if needed. Hence we have so many top level smart people like Bill Clinton, Gen Petraeus etc doing stupid things like having affairs when they know they can get caught. How many women are caught like this? Hardly or none.

Men are stronger physically, but women are MUCH stronger emotionally/psychologically/sexually.

Even at home, it is usually the husband who has to initiate sex more than the wife. If the wife isn't in the mood, she can easily say "not today, I am sleepy" and turn the other side. My wife has done it many times. How many times have I done it? ZERO! If my wife offers sex at 4am, I am ready to go. Several times I remember being very tired and sleepy from all day work + grad school classes and back at 11pm. We wanted to have another baby so my wife was very gracious in offering herself and giving me come hither looks. I remember feeling not up to it, but did I say no? NO!!!! 

I know, I am weak.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

nirvana said:


> *The reason for this is that men want sex more than women. This is a fact. *There are exceptions, but many more men want and crave it more than women. Men lose their sense of logic when sex/love/flirting is on the table. Women are much more in control of themselves and even have the ability to use this to their advantage if needed. Hence we have so many top level smart people like Bill Clinton, Gen Petraeus etc doing stupid things like having affairs when they know they can get caught. How many women are caught like this? Hardly or none.
> 
> Men are stronger physically, *but women are MUCH stronger emotionally*/psychologically/sexually.
> 
> ...


Huge incorrect generalisations there. This is your experience but it does not make it FACT.

Just as my experience of having a LD husband does not make it fact that most men are LD

ETA, my partner is stronger emotionally than I am so again a big generalisation that just isn't true.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

technovelist said:


> How about a situation with a SAHW who has pretty much all day to do whatever she wants, no children involved, whereas the husband works full-time to earn money to support them?
> 
> I would think in that case the SAHW should do most of the housework...


I think that she should get up and work the same number of hours. Depending on the size of the house/yard, that might take 40+ hours; it might not. If, for example, she has very high cleanliness standards and does regular deep cleaning (baseboards, windows, launders curtains, etc.) it could be a full time job for a 4,000sqft home.

As I said, both parties need to WORK the same number of hours and share the same # of downtime hours regardless of the pay or location of said work. If the wife gets up at the same time as husband, makes breakfast, cleans up the dishes, does laundry, cleaning, errands, etc. and is cooking dinner when husband comes home, then he should still be doing something, too. He should help cook, set the table, take out the trash or whatever needs to be done until dinner time and then he should help clean up. Then the couple can have couple time.

I think resentment often builds on either side when there is a real or perceived inequity. If both spouses are staying busy and contributing toward the upkeep of the lifestyle, whether that is mowing, childcare, laundry or working outside the home, then it's fair.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I think that she should get up and work the same number of hours. Depending on the size of the house/yard, that might take 40+ hours; it might not. If, for example, she has very high cleanliness standards and does regular deep cleaning (baseboards, windows, launders curtains, etc.) it could be a full time job for a 4,000sqft home.
> 
> As I said, both parties need to WORK the same number of hours and share the same # of downtime hours regardless of the pay or location of said work. If the wife gets up at the same time as husband, makes breakfast, cleans up the dishes, does laundry, cleaning, errands, etc. and is cooking dinner when husband comes home, then he should still be doing something, too. He should help cook, set the table, take out the trash or whatever needs to be done until dinner time and then he should help clean up. Then the couple can have couple time.
> 
> I think resentment often builds on either side when there is a real or perceived inequity. If both spouses are staying busy and contributing toward the upkeep of the lifestyle, whether that is mowing, childcare, laundry or working outside the home, then it's fair.


Good post. I would add the big thing is communication, and being active to avoid getting to the resentment phase. I think that both 'sides' of this argument would agree that once one party starts to have resentment, things are much tougher resolve. Many times the person with resentment is at least partly at fault, something I have learned over time.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Holland said:


> Huge incorrect generalisations there. This is your experience but it does not make it FACT.
> 
> Just as my experience of having a LD husband does not make it fact that most men are LD
> 
> ETA, my partner is stronger emotionally than I am so again a big generalisation that just isn't true.


Life is full of generalizations. If something is true 90% of the time and not 10% of the time, it is worth looking at. For example, 99% of the time terrorism is committed by people of one particular religion. If an attack happens, will you think "maybe a Buddhist did it!"? We all generalize. We just don't admit to it.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

nirvana said:


> Life is full of generalizations. If something is true 90% of the time and not 10% of the time, it is worth looking at. For example, 99% of the time terrorism is committed by people of one particular religion. If an attack happens, will you think "maybe a Buddhist did it!"? We all generalize. We just don't admit to it.


If you call a generalisation a FACT then expect to be called out on it.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

On average men are taller than women. That's a fact. It's also a generalization. 

Based on the studies I've read, for couples 50 and under, generally men want to have sex more frequently than their female partners. 

Just as with height, there are exceptions. 

I see no harm in making generalizations that are based on statistics as long as there is no underlying malice. 




Holland said:


> If you call a generalisation a FACT then expect to be called out on it.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> On average men are taller than women. That's a fact. It's also a generalization.
> 
> Based on the studies I've read, for couples 50 and under, generally men want to have sex more frequently than their female partners.
> 
> ...


I will respectfully disagree with you on this one MEM


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Intheory,
I know that's got to suck. 

To be fair I think most folks deal with a moderate to large amount of drive difference if they remain married for life. 

The question then becomes: How does that impact the spirit and the mechanics of your sex life? 

I'd estimate the difference in desire between me and M2 at 5X during the last few years. My ideal would be 15/month and hers is likely closer to 2-3/month. 

It's MUCH easier to accept the way your partner feels, when they accept the way you feel. I don't pressure her, she doesn't ignore me. It helps a LOT that she is high touch. 









intheory said:


> Thanks for the disclaimer.
> 
> The worst thing about TAM for me, is constantly having my face rubbed in the fact that most men want sex more than their wives.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

nirvana said:


> The reason for this is that men want sex more than women. This is a fact. There are exceptions, but many more men want and crave it more than women. Men lose their sense of logic when sex/love/flirting is on the table. Women are much more in control of themselves and even have the ability to use this to their advantage if needed. Hence we have so many top level smart people like Bill Clinton, Gen Petraeus etc doing stupid things like having affairs when they know they can get caught. How many women are caught like this? Hardly or none.
> 
> Men are stronger physically, but women are MUCH stronger emotionally/psychologically/sexually.
> 
> ...


My H wanted it MORE THAN ME for 19 yrs straight.. he would have loved every day.. I wasn't "getting it" -his antsy need.. until I got a taste of being in those shoes... then I GOT IT LOUD & CLEAR... 

And nearly every woman friend I have is less interested in sex over her husband....we're pretty open to talk about such things.. (though I can think of maybe 3 exceptions).. the rest is on this forum .... so when I hear these "generalizations".. from my own experience (my drive was HIGHER (& I had less patience with it over him) for a period of about 4 yrs in comparison to his 19 !! 

So it holds true *here*... also my Husband works with a # of men...much sex talk...always complaining how they rarely get it.. a few has cheated over it even...they are not happy campers... 

Nirvana.... if you want to hear the other side of this coin, the women bringing their case against this generalization...click below... I tackled this in a thread..inviting them to give their side, articles, make their case...

I still feel "statistically speaking" - it is true though...but the seasons in our lives, with hormonal changes can throw a monkey wrench & switch things up too!








http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-compare-whats-your-take-your-experience.html


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

SA,

Truthfully - I had no real understanding of how hard it was to be on the other side of this fence - until I crossed the line one too many times with M2. I have a post on this somewhere - but I made a comment about our respective desire levels that infuriated M2. Instead of getting mad, she got even. 

For 2-3 weeks she put me on a 2-3 times a day routine. And she sort of mimicked my behavior. Firm, friendly, determined. 

I was starting to get anxious by the end of the first week. And then I started asking for mercy. Got none. 

After that my whole view of pressuring someone sexually was completely different. 




SimplyAmorous said:


> My H wanted it MORE THAN ME for 19 yrs straight.. he would have loved every day.. I wasn't "getting it" -his antsy need.. until I got a taste of being in those shoes... then I GOT IT LOUD & CLEAR...
> 
> And nearly every woman friend I have is less interested in sex over her husband....we're pretty open to talk about such things.. (though I can think of maybe 3 exceptions).. the rest is on this forum .... so when I hear these "generalizations".. from my own experience (my drive was HIGHER (& I had less patience with it over him) for a period of about 4 yrs in comparison to his 19 !!
> 
> ...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

MEM11363 said:


> SA,
> 
> Truthfully - I had no real understanding of how hard it was to be on the other side of this fence - until I crossed the line one too many times with M2. I have a post on this somewhere - *but I made a comment about our respective desire levels that infuriated M2. Instead of getting mad, she got even.
> 
> ...


 I recall reading a post like this of yours.. but the GETTING EVEN part sounds she wasn't INTO IT AT ALL....so she was downplaying how she really felt those 2 + weeks... even if she was firm, friendly...DETERMINED... 

So really....she never went through a "HIGH DRIVE" SPELL that surpassed yours ?? ... just this experiment -giving you a taste of your own medicine?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

SA,
When you're on the receiving end of constant sexual pressure, you don't care WHY. You just want it to stop. 

And she was pushing for 3/day every day. I was able to sustain that - just barely. 




SimplyAmorous said:


> I recall reading a post like this of yours.. but the GETTING EVEN part sounds she wasn't INTO IT AT ALL....so she was downplaying how she really felt those 2 + weeks... even if she was firm, friendly...DETERMINED...
> 
> So really....she never went through a "HIGH DRIVE" SPELL that surpassed yours ?? ... just this experiment -giving you a taste of your own medicine?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

MEM11363 said:


> SA,
> When you're on the receiving end of constant sexual pressure, you don't care WHY. You just want it to stop.
> 
> And she was pushing for 3/day every day. I was able to sustain that - just barely.


 I did this to my husband - but only aimed for once a day.. well I tried for twice.. but I knew that was a loosing battle unless I fed him viagra.. he really didn't mind !! Even told me to put my toys away... His attitude/ words even was >> "If I can get it UP, I'm going to use it" with a grin...:woohoo: 


Just 2 things... he would get mad at me for saying he didn't like sex (I was exaggerating big time -I had my moments feeling too antsy & my mouth got the best of me!).....or if he was tired.. I don't think I could have handled too much rejection.. would have did me in - in a bad way.. 

I look upon that time.. as my time of NEED.. I would have grown to resent the H out of him... I understand all ANTSY sex driven madness now.... and because of this.. I will call him my Hero for how he handled me..


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Beings this is a housework / sexual attraction thread.. I might add... when I was the one in lusty need ..... BOY DID I EVER CATER TO HIM !!.. I got up every morning...didn't matter if I was stupid enough to stay up half the night , only getting 2 hrs of sleep (did this many times)...

I was careful to feed him better.. cook his breakfast.. ANYTHING & EVERYTHING to make his life as easy as possible.., probably knock a kid out if they interrupted his sleep (just kidding).... *WHY* >> so he'd be ready, willing & able to DO ME [email protected]# ...as soon as he got through that door, I wanted to ravish him...Poor man. 

Even the guys he worked with noticed a difference in what I was packing in his lunch, they started making comments, then he spilled the beans.. "don't know what hit my wife.....".... which got me a reputation there. :laugh: 

Whichever spouse is wanting it the most needs to go the extra mile.. to turn the other on, study them, seek if any resentment is there, work it out (biggest sex killer there is)....provide an environment where they have *the energy*, have *the time*...and for goodness sakes... make it FUN ...BE SEXY [email protected]# Get creative.. throw some novelty in...

I know it's not always this simple of course... but that's how it played out for us.. he even made a comment to me one time.. I was laughing....that he felt HE was taking advantage of ME.. that I was too good to him... I told him No, love to take such credit.. but really.. I am just selfish and want Him to screw me! 

Somehow I don't think a man would get away with saying this to his wife though!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Yeah yeah

She did the whole routine - couldn't have been nicer - made my life easy....

She really was doing a roll reversal. When I was on the other side of this I was nice and supportive etc. 

And I want to be clear here - if M2 sort of had us in a routine that was double my ideal frequency - my ideal is every other day - I would just 'do it' like the Nike folks say. 

But she had me at 6X my ideal. She made her point - I totally 'get' it. 

And we still meet in the middle on frequency - which is nice. The difference is I'm WAY more appreciative of her side of the compromise than I was prior to her doing that - HD sex therapy routine she did. 





SimplyAmorous said:


> Beings this is a housework / sexual attraction thread.. I might add... when I was the one in lusty need ..... BOY DID I EVER CATER TO HIM !!.. I got up every morning...didn't matter if I was stupid enough to stay up half the night , only getting 2 hrs of sleep (did this many times)...
> 
> I was careful to feed him better.. cook his breakfast.. ANYTHING & EVERYTHING to make his life as easy as possible.., probably knock a kid out if they interrupted his sleep (just kidding).... *WHY* >> so he'd be ready, willing & able to DO ME [email protected]# ...as soon as he got through that door, I wanted to ravish him...Poor man.
> 
> ...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

MEM11363 said:


> She did the whole routine - couldn't have been nicer - made my life easy....
> 
> *She really was doing a roll reversal. * When I was on the other side of this I was nice and supportive etc.
> 
> ...


*So was you, back in the day.. pushing her 6 times more.. is this why she upped it THIS MUCH ?*

Not the normal comment here.. but I wish my husband pushed me back in the day.. WISHED... I've even gotten MAD that he didn't ...instead stuffing it down.. I feel that denied us both...and it wasn't fair TO HIM.. he's my other half...

But really...myself & YOU are looking at this the right way.. your wife NEEDED YOU to GET IT....and I know my Husband dearly appreciates that I now "GOT IT"...my sincere remorse went a long way... 

Her lesson did it's Magic on you....you see the side of the Low driver.. (I don't have as much sympathy I am afraid...because I am angry at myself)...and really I was never even low drive.. just busy somewhere else / too occupied so it was all a waste really.. 

I still think had she tried that when you were younger ... you would have just been in HEAVEN instead of feeling bushed..and seeing her side much ... think about it.. 

Mine already KNEW what that was like and didn't want me to suffer it.. He pretty much missed his HEAVEN....so he was going to take it while it lasted.... I really *needed* him to feel this way.. or I would have been devastated... one of my weak spots there.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

SA,
No way. I never pushed M2 to 6X. Never. 

Probably a sustained 2X for most of our marriage. 2X of your ideal can still be inside your comfort zone. 

All I can say for certain is - that overall it worked for us. 

In hindsight - something made M2 anxious in year 10. And I'd swear on a stack of bibles that I did nothing conscious to feed that angst. I was happy, and I don't play dread games. And we were at a very steady routine of almost every single day. And had been in that routine for a decade. 

But I'm guessing something made her anxious. Because for a year she switched - without any prompting from me - to twice a day. Every morning and every night. If I had a time machine I'd go back and ask her what was going on in her head. 

And yes - I have asked her recently why she did that. She says she doesn't remember. 




SimplyAmorous said:


> *So was you, back in the day.. pushing her 6 times more.. is this why she upped it THIS MUCH ?*
> 
> Not the normal comment here.. but I wish my husband pushed me back in the day.. WISHED... I've even gotten MAD that he didn't ...instead stuffing it down.. I feel that denied us both...and it wasn't fair TO HIM.. he's my other half...
> 
> ...


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I think that she should get up and work the same number of hours. Depending on the size of the house/yard, that might take 40+ hours; it might not. If, for example, she has very high cleanliness standards and does regular deep cleaning (baseboards, windows, launders curtains, etc.) it could be a full time job for a 4,000sqft home.
> 
> As I said, both parties need to WORK the same number of hours and share the same # of downtime hours regardless of the pay or location of said work. If the wife gets up at the same time as husband, makes breakfast, cleans up the dishes, does laundry, cleaning, errands, etc. and is cooking dinner when husband comes home, then he should still be doing something, too. He should help cook, set the table, take out the trash or whatever needs to be done until dinner time and then he should help clean up. Then the couple can have couple time.
> 
> I think resentment often builds on either side when there is a real or perceived inequity. If both spouses are staying busy and contributing toward the upkeep of the lifestyle, whether that is mowing, childcare, laundry or working outside the home, then it's fair.


this is legit, but there is another point to be worked through here.

sometimes two people don't agree on "what needs to get done".

For example, you may have a wife (or a husband) whose cleanliness standards are very high. He/she thinks everything has to be up to this standard or it's not "done". 

In this case, I think there needs to be a compromise. Maybe the high standard person needs to realize that if it is so important to her, then she needs to deal with it. The lower standard person also needs to realize that even though it is not particularly important to him, he needs to make some effort to show his spouse he is not simply ignoring something that is important to her.

I think these are the more difficult cases because it is not simply about a discrete list of chores but rather what people's priorities and values are.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Anon1111 said:


> this is legit, but there is another point to be worked through here.
> 
> sometimes two people don't agree on "what needs to get done".
> 
> ...


Agree with this, a situation as described above requires some really good communication and an understanding of where the baseline should be.

FWIW years ago when I was going through one of my very ill pregnancies and vomiting daily I asked my ex if he could clean the bathroom, had never asked him to do it before but I was just too ill at that time. He didn't do it and when I asked him for help a second time his reply was that he often cleaned the bathroom. OK that was his reality, the truth was he only cleaned the bathroom twice in the 20 years we were together. Then again he thought we had sex a fair amount when in fact we were technically a sexless couple.

So while standards of cleanliness need to be agreed on so does the reality of how much people are actually doing. 

Anyway I am all for outsourcing, get a cleaner and a gardener and spend more time as a couple.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Beings this is a housework / sexual attraction thread.. I might add... when I was the one in lusty need ..... BOY DID I EVER CATER TO HIM !!.. I got up every morning...didn't matter if I was stupid enough to stay up half the night , only getting 2 hrs of sleep (did this many times)...
> 
> I was careful to feed him better.. cook his breakfast.. ANYTHING & EVERYTHING to make his life as easy as possible.., probably knock a kid out if they interrupted his sleep (just kidding).... *WHY* >> so he'd be ready, willing & able to DO ME [email protected]# ...as soon as he got through that door, I wanted to ravish him...Poor man.
> 
> ...


I think this is a good way to describe it. I did a lot of the housework for years; she probably didn't wash three loads of laundry the entire 18 years we were together. I guess i realized that the act of housework itself is not sexy, I was trying to lighten her load and assumed she would appreciate the work i did. I guess i hoped the feeling she would get seeing that I was pulling my weight would be appreciated. I was trying to cater to her, but it didn't work. I don't think it would have made any difference if I'd been lazy as an old dog.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I agree SA has described very nicely how a spouse could cater to the other in an effort to remove barriers to the goal.
Usually this works pretty well for me when the goal is to go on a date or vacation. The more I do the less resistance I get.
On the other hand if there is resentment in the equation, then she would be turned off by such efforts. The you're just trying to get in my pants thing.

MEM and SA brought up an interesting point about relative frequency. My optimum is 5x/week her optimum by report is .5x/week (every other week). The ratio being 10:1 and the middle ground being 2.5x/week. While that cuts my frequency by half, it is 5x hers. Should we opt for a more equal adjustment? which would be about a change of 3.16x I would get 1/3 of my optimum and she would get 3x her optimum and we would have sex about 3 times every 2 weeks. The point of all of this math is that at a certain point there is not an adjustment that will make both people happy, and the middle becomes so far from the optimums that both would be unhappy.


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