# Classic mistake



## Titus1 (Mar 26, 2013)

Well, 

to start...
let me give any of you that want it, some good advice.
No matter how much you love them or think you do....
dont meet someone online from another "culture", develop a relationship with them, and leave your country to be with them.
I did this, and i have basically been scalped, mauled, and burned, from the moment i arrived to her.

how did it happen to me?
well....
i was in a previous relationship for a long time.
i was sick to death of it.
i felt it was over, a long while back, and was looking for a new start....a fresh beginning, a 2nd chance.
Im over 40, so, time is ticking loudly, and i wanted, and hoped for, something that i thought would be unique and dependable.
So,,while i was still in the original long term relationship (no marriage), i went online to a dating site(s) and met a few people
(dont do this) 
.
over time, i weeded out the online liars, (i thought), and settled into a 5 year online relationship.
yes, 5 years.
I actually chose 2 different people and developed a relationship with both, and i chose the wrong one.
The other one died, so, that was not going to last long even had i gone that way..
The one i chose was younger and from a different country.
The one i didnt choose, was more my age, and looking back using 20/20 hindsite, i realize now that i really goofed.

So, currently, im in a foreign country, very lonli, writing my woes on a "marriage help site"... married to a female who is not whom i thought i knew.
The person i married is devious, manipulative, a chronic liar, unable to generate normal affection, and pretty much has nothing in common with me.
And you know, i kinda knew this online after a while, but i was just too deep into the illusion of what could be, what might be" to be able to stop my forward progress.
I just became obsessed with seeing it to the conclusion instead of listening to my common sense and intuition that was screaming at me.

Do you understand the words..."click", and "oneness"?
ever had that with a gf or bf?
a certain comfort level that is unique and special with someone you care about, that allows you to just feel so totally connected to them?
ive never felt this with this person since i met them.
and even the meeting was weird.
As i said, i knew them online for 5 years, and we talked endlessly about it all......and tho there was a bit of a language barrier, i felt this would be solved when we were able to "connect".
And they came to the USA to meet me, and when i met them they were reluctant to even hug my neck.
This was such a warning sign, but i was not seeing it.
i was just seeing the grand illusion of love that i had created and was feeling.
But there is no connecting, no connection with this girl.....nothing but a glaring disconnect.
There is however a weird sort of one-upmanship that she plays with me, as if, she needs to be certain that she is always a bit more clever, a bit more knowledgable, a bit more.....impossible to deal with.
Once she looked at me and said matter of factly that she knows more then i do and can do more.
Now this is a girl who has owned one car in her entire life telling me this.
Very interesting point of view she has about it.


Another thing fellas.......if you are nearing 50, and you get involved with someone who is over a decade or 2 younger then you, then you will have to deal with the fact of jealously.
There is no way around it.
Im a competent confident person, nice looking, good personality, but even i have sometimes been thorned by the fact that my younger bride has a general eye for other males.
She would never be unfaithful, but she is someone who has a constant eye out.
She has an interesting theory about it.
She says that "everybody looks".....and if it bothers me that she does, then this is because i have low self esteem or feel inferior around other men.
My pov is that if she's looking i dont have to like it, and that i dont like it does not make me, "inferior".
I also pointed out that saying something about my self esteem, that is quite negative, that is related to her "looking", is a bit difficult to swallow.
We've had some big time shouting matches about her idea of my self esteem as it relates to her "looking".
Once again, she seems to not be able to compute or connect the dots.

How is our sex life?
Well, she is available.
Thats about it.
The first few months of marriage i tried to be very very affectionate, lots of touching, lots of kissing, but i discovered that she does not really associate kissing with sensuality or with foreplay.
So, i was told i "kiss too much".
Now THERE is an unusual woman.
And oral sex.
Its odd.
She will do this for me anytime, (until yesterday) and told me that she learned from a previous relationship that you " always have to take care of it, you must".
In other words, if the man is truly aroused, she feels very responsible to make certain he is not left stranded.
The problem is......its like a job or work or "maintenance sex", is what she calls it.
Performed just fine, but only because......"you have to take care of it".
Her main goal in life is to have a child,..so, whenever its time each month for this possibility, she suddenly becomes very very available and aggresive, but as soon as this time passes, its back to what she calls......"maintenance sex"..., or basically, just strip and do it, and its done.
Romantic isnt it?
Frankly, once i realized that i was more a sperm donor then a romantic sex partner, i was really hurt.
I think part of this "sex" issue is that her last relationship was with a 16 year old, with her being 25 at the time, and i think she took care of him so much and so often that sex became sort of an ongoing job and that pov is what she has for me.
She also basically cant orgasm from straight sex (fairly normal according to the stats), and here is another interesting thing about her.......she can orgasm from oral, and im good at this function, but she wont pursue it with me.
I almost have to ask her to get this process going.
Amazing.
A woman who is not really into kissing or oral sex for herself and has a husband that can provide this whenever and enjoys it and is good at it.
Talk about a total disconnect.......its unbelievable.

The details about our arguments would take a long time to explain, but basically i cant deal with her coldness, her lack of affection, and the fact that she has no real need of me.
She just doesn't need me.
She doesn't need me for "fun" sex, for support, for conversation.
This girl does not want to sleep with me, does not enjoy making me a meal even one time a week.
Its like........"ok, i have a husband", check that off the list.

What do we do together?
nothing for the most part.
When i first came here i tried to spend every minute with her but discovered our first and continual biggest issue..
She likes space and quiet time and freedom more then she likes to be with me.
I cant stand this, and its the cancer that has spread to every part of our relationship.
I just dont deal well with knowing that my wife always prefers their "alone time" to being with me.
Not sometimes, but always.
She gives me the feeling that she forces herself to be with me if its more then about 15 mins.
And im never going to deal with that very well, as that is not a healthy relationship.
That is like being married to your sister.
Its awful.
Ill never forget that the 2nd week i arrived in a NEW country, my wife was freaking out to get me a GPS for the car so that i could go out "by myself".
Translation = already tired of the husband, get rid of him using a GPS.

She likes to travel and camp out.
But she does not do it well and its always misery and i dont like it, tho i will do it to try to make her happy.

She basically finds me "not smart enough" and seemingly without any appreciation for the fact that im a pretty talented person.
Her idea of smart is proven by how many languages you can speak and if you are constantly trying to learn something new.
"Study".
Ive worked as a draftsman, a nurse, ive had a couple of small businesses, im a performing musician, and im pretty bright.
I dont believe she finds me to be anything but annoyingly dumb, in her opinion..
And because she thinks this she obviously has no respect for me, and this has become increasing difficult for her to "fake".
Is it possible for a woman to treat you right if she does not think you are "smart enough" and does not respect you?
The answer is a big fat, NOPE.

What do we do at "home" as a couple?
pretty much nothing.
We have maintenance sex about 6 times a month or less.
We try to talk but that is difficult as she finds me about as interesting as mud.
However, she is sorta addicted to a couple of video games.
One is called "Linnage 11", and one is called "Aion".
She's been playing a lot of these type games for over 15 years.
She has a collection of discs, (video games), she must have at least 90, at least.
And her memory of all these games is amazing., tho, she has played them so much.
She can go years and not play, but when she begins again, she really wants to do it a lot.
To give us something to do as a couple, i play with her for about a year now.

Currently, as of this morning at 10am we are not playing as ive pretty much decided to leave (again),.......even got a ticket back to the USA a 2 months ago but cancelled it because she was so upset and crying..
Its my 2nd in a year., and the 2nd time ive cancelled it because of her "tears".
We've been married since August 15, 2011.
Ive been deeply considering leaving for over 10 months, and have been thinking about leaving since the day i arrived.
This was the day she kissed her cat and i told her that i would prefer not to be kissing her if she liked to kiss cats.
She threw an incredible tantrum in front of me, in front of the parents, .....lasted 2 hours......and this kicked off the relationship in the wrong direction and has never changed.
Its still going wrong.
Odd thing about this girl, is that she tells me that her lack of physical affection, hugging, touching, holding hands, etc, is due to a repressed childhood that was void of much affection from the folks.......yet, this same girl can kiss and hug her cat as if hes the husband.
But she cant do the same for me.
Lots of fights about that one.

Right after that, she didnt want to sleep with me.
I pointed out for the next 6 weeks that she slept with her last BF and to not sleep with a man who married her and flew 5000 miles to be with her.....was an incredible insult.
It took her 6 weeks to tell me that she didnt sleep with him also.
Had she told me this the first day or week, then i think our relationship would have been completely different.
For as the entire 6 weeks, i became more and more offended by the thought that she would not sleep with me after all id done for her, while she slept with this "boy" who left her.
All she would say is......"im not going to discuss him".
Finally she did.......she told me 6 weeks into a running daily fight that she didnt sleep with him ither.
When i pointed out that had she told me this the first day of the fighting, we could have avoided 6 weeks of war about it.
Her mindset is.......its ok to fight about it, because im not going to tell you what i did with him.
To which i explained that i dont care if she had sex with him and animals..........all i was trying to understand was why my WIFE would not sleep with Me, yet she would sleep with him.
Till this day she cant see it, and cant understand the damage she caused us,..caused me.
And to really cap it off............to not tell her husband, to protect a former BF, regarding something she didnt do for ither of us, is CRAZY.
its just CRAZY.
What is more important?.
Making certain the relationship with the HUSBAND is kept right, or worrying about a past BF's relationship that is over?
And to not tell me that she didnt sleep with him ither?????
What was she protecting?
Does anyone know?
Its crazy.
Its as crazy as her kissing that cat and then being angry at me if i dont want fur in my mouth.
See it?
This girl has some issues, and me not being smart enough is the least of them.

And why does she hesitate to tell me about her past relationships?
My fault.
When she first told me she had lived with the 16 year old when she was 25, i told her that in the USA they put you in jail for that.
She took this as a "judgment" and decided that she cant tell me anything about her past BFs.
I told her i was telling her the truth about the laws in the USA regarding child molesting "ages".
So, from that bad beginning, it lead to her not telling me for 6 weeks that she didnt sleep in a bed with the boy ither.
And that she let so much harm come to our relationship the first 2 months we were married, and it was based on NOTHING that never happened, .....all based on the fact that i pointed out pedophile laws in the USA that insulted her deed.......
well DAMN.
Its crazy.

And all THAT is why im telling you not to marry someone you met online who is not from your culture unless you want to live in hell..
Simple MIS-communication things become huge events because of the disconnect that is generated constantly by "morality rules" that are different regarding different cultures.

Here is an example.
In europe, asia, russia, for example.......a girl feels compelled to live with the guy to determine if he will "keep her".
That is how they think.
American women dont think that way.
They live with the fella because they want sex, love, and hopefully marriage.
They dont do it, as a general rule. to see if he will stay or keep her.
Different cultures.

And this...
Every time i go to leave, she suddenly becomes a perfect wife.
PERFECT.
Right until about a week after i cancel the ticket.
2 weeks after the cancellation, its back to the cold, distant, maintenance sex person.
So, she knows exactly what is expected and can do it.
She just cant maintain it because it ACTING.
Its FAKE.
It not done because she loves me or wants me, but for some other reason, deeply seated that is probably related to the fact that im familiar, im honest, and i'll deal with a whole lot before i blow up..
Im good to have around......she knows this, but she really doesn't want me for me, so there is the meltdown.
And i cant stand that.,.......i cant.

Its ridiculous, but the reason i rescheduled the ticket yesterday for a April 10 departure out of this insanity that is my marriage, is because a blow job was scheduled and didnt happen as she decided to go and play a video game instead and sort of left me hanging, as it were.
I very very angrily pointed out this violated her "always have to service the horny male" policy, and that she would have never done this to the last boyfriend, and she said...."yes thats true".
I could have spit in her face when she admitted this.
Truly.
She then tried to spin and dodge and lie her way out of it by saying that she didnt remember the fact that we had playfully decided this "deed" was to be done right after the game was ended.
So, that was about 20 mins.
So, basically she lied.
She lies a lot.
I would say its chronic......its sort of automatic.
Sort of like.....'opps, im caught, time to lie.
Im really tired of this, also.
And the reason she lies without any guilt is because she does not respect me.
If i had value in her eyes, she would CARE to be caught in a lie.

And yes, i know it sounds juvenile to be getting a ticket rescheduled because of an omitted BJ.
And its not about the BJ.
its about 1000 things that show me so clearly that i dont really matter........and all of it is just a symptom of the death of what was already dying or worse.......was never really there.
This is the same girl who waited 5 years for me to come to her, then i do and she cant stand to be with me and didnt even hug me when we met.
WEIRD....
So, anyway.
When she basically said......."no, i never once neglected my last BF's needs,...and i dont really remember telling you i would do that for you".
well, the fact that 20 mins before the argument about it as well as earlier in the day, we had talked about this "act"....tells me that her pov is........"its just you, so what, get lost".
And why were we talking about a BJ instead of having sex?
Well, you'll like this.
I wanted to please her orally and when i offered this earlier in the day she said......."um...no, lets DO YOU">
So, later when she didnt and since i was ZINGED that she refused to let me give her oral pleasure......well, i just blew up.
And rightfully so.
Its enough of this ****.....truthfully.
Up to my neck enough!!!!!!!!!!

So, its not about the Sex Act.........its about the, "you mean nothing", that i cant deal with.
Basically ive been rejected on every level right until i had to leave to escape any more of it.

She doesnt like to be around me that much, even from the start, and the truth is, i have overstayed my welcome by a good long while.

And im tired of arguing about all of the above., as all that then happens is she locks herself in her room and turns off the internet so that i cant use it.
This is one of her ways of punishing me.
The other way is to take away the car keys so that i am totally stranded.

And about that game "Aion".
Its kinda fun.
I have it stored on a 32mb card that she owns.
Today, when we were deep into an argument about the game..

let me explain.

This game, "Aion" is the only private thing we have together.
Its like a little island in the sea of hell that is our relationship.
its our "go to" relief, and the only thing we do as a couple that is just US.
Understand?
We have no privacy as we live in her mother's apartment (huge apartment) and my wife likes to bring our argument to her mother so that she has a backup.
So, this stupid video game....is the only thing we have "together" that is not touched by another.
So, she decided after a year of it being 'our game' and "our thing", that she would just change that rule and now after a year begin to play with other players she met online today after the fight about the sex act..
Its her way of punishing me for what she did wrong.
Isnt that a trip?

This kinda deeply hurt my feelings........not because she is playing with other players, but because she decided that our only thing that is "ours" for over a year..... she decided to break it and now even this is no longer something that was special for just the two of us.
Now she has destroyed even this small "island" of togetherness".
And, just to show me a new trick....she decided to take the card from me so that i cant play the game with her, and to push it farther she spent over 11 hours online today, locked behind a closed door, playing by herself and with others online.
I know this because she told me she would as she was leaving our fight to go to her room to play the game till 11:10 pm tonight.
Just left me with nothing but the angry knowledge that the only thing that we had together has now been spit on..
This is her way of punishing me for getting upset about the forgotten BJ.

Isnt all this ridiculous?
I would be laughing as well if i had not really loved this girl and left my country for her.
Can you feel my pain?
Im hurting, and im sick of the rejection.
And to be so misled to get me to come here, and then to just basically leave me in my room most of the time since i arrived has just been very very hard on me.
Ironically tho, she is well able to be affectionate with her cat.
She can hug and kiss this animal .....just not her husband.

And what made me write this to you?

Well, today, just as i was being kicked out of her presence, and as she was taking the game card from me, i said, at about 10am, ""well, then i guess you can just play till about 11pm then, right"".
She coldly said, yeah, i can.
And that is exactly what she did just to show me who is the boss.
She stopped playing the game at 11:10pm tonight, just to show me who she thinks is in control.

So, im kinda beyond tired of this.
And im going to leave.
And when she tries for the 3rd time to cry me a river to get me to again cancel my ticket and stay here, im going to take the Aion 32bit card and tell her to stick it in her ear... while i remind her that she was careful to take the card from me then play to exactly 11:10pm, over 12 hours in a row, just to piss me off........just to play a mind game that i dont deserve, simply because i reminded her of her rule about "sex" and "need'.

what a mess.

so, im gone.
done.
my circuits are fried and my heart is broken.
she can kiss my ass for certain this time.
thank you for listening.
Its been a long letter.
needed to get it out.



T1


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Holy crap! Good on you. GTFO.......


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## Titus1 (Mar 26, 2013)

anchorwatch said:


> Holy crap! Good on you. GTFO.......



so, you are telling me its as bad as i thought.:iagree:

you know, its interesting about misery.....you can get to the place where its so normal to be miserable, that you forget how bad it actually is.




T1


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

You sound very unhappy. Sure you don't want her to come with you to the USA and see if things are different?


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## Titus1 (Mar 26, 2013)

Maneo said:


> You sound very unhappy. Sure you don't want her to come with you to the USA and see if things are different?


ive been very unhappy.
yes.
rivers of tears.
months.

im an artist.
i have an artistic temperament and im a sensitive person.
And there is one thing i know about relationships.
Women need love and security and men need respect and encouragement.
If a woman wants to kill a relationship then all she has to do is disrespect the man and keep that attitude.
That'll do it.

You can read how i explain things and discern that im a nice person.
And trust me when i tell you that i am not one to just jump into something without a net or a good pair of wings.
In this case, i felt that the 5 years she waited for me was a lot of proof.
And it is....but, it isnt what we both thought it would be.
Its awful.

And i know that talking about sex acts can seem like some kind of porn read, but, i need to update about the BJ issue.
I had explained that my wife is a believer (so she says) in making certain her mate is not left in sexual need.
So, yesterday when i was left in this need, she didnt follow through.
This led to a problem.
Today, i asked her why, if her rule is her rule about it, then why didnt she take care of my need as it was obvious i had it if we were discussing why she could take care of the last BF but not me at that moment.
Her spin was to say that the argument shut it all down.
I pointed out that the argument came after the neglect.
She kinda ducked that one, and so, i let it go.

And, this girl has said things to me, deeply scarring things, that i could never tell you.
she has a very good grasp of psychology and can spot a place in a person's mental makeup that is vulnerable and she will crush you very cruelly.
After she does it, she'll justify it, and base her evil meanness on something that you did say that was nothing in contrast to her "cut" reply.

Have you ever met a person who rewrites the history between you and them to try to paint a different picture then the truth to win an argument or dodge a responsibility for a fight or a damaged relationship?
Who can stand such a person?
I cant.

Frankly, i need to get out of this situation.
I chained myself here in pain for 18 months by trying to make it work.
I hate to fail, but in this case, failure is the only way out.
If i stay in this, i have no idea what could happen.

Let me share this.
Starting last March, 2012, my wife began to really pursue having a baby with me.
Not because she wants my child, but strictly because she wants A child.
Understand?
She has told me to my face during a really intense argument that if she was pregnant she would take the baby to her country and id never know what happens next.
Then the next day, after her fire of anger has died down, she does not come to me and say......"you know, i said that in anger and i would never do that'.
Instead she just lets it stay there, until i dig into her threat and then im told......"well, i just said that because i was really angry, i didnt mean it".

So, im not certain what disturbs me more.......being told she'd take the kid and run, or her just not trying to make it right regarding her threat UNTIL i make her deal with it later.
I guess having to make her deal with it later, is the part that bothers me more then the threat.
This girl is basically incapable of coming to you and saying she's sorry.
However, if you push it, you can get a half way apology out of her that is complete with her explaining that you caused her to say it.
So i read this as a person who is incapable of believing they can ever be wrong.
And that my friends, is a psychotic.
The only other way to see it, is to see it the way i just exposed it and then add that the person is so lacking in respect towards me
that they dont CARE if they cause harm or if they are wrong.

And i will tell you a truth.
The idea of her being pregnant and me being stuck with her, is a thought that makes my stomach turn.
It gives me a horrible feeling that i cant even explain.
Like going to prison, but worse.
I feel sick every month that ive had to worry that she is preg and then finding out she's not is like im delivered from the death sentence.
I mean it.
And i would like to be a father.
But not with this girl.
no, no, no.

Then, why am i still here???
I guess i do love her tho i dont really feel it anymore.
I just feel anger and bitterness and hurt.
I feel rejected and that is the bottom line.
Cant really fathom any other reason i would take the abuse unless i love the girl.......but, i kinda like myself a lot also, and im just not the person who can *continue* to tolerate the lack of respect and lack of affection that ive been dealing with for too long.
For a time i could because i hoped it would change and level out and get RIGHT, but then there came that day that i have to depart and turn off the rear view mirror.
That will be April 10, on Delta 269.

It occurred to me recently that ive sort of been her trainer.
Ive trained her in the art of being a wife as she didnt have a clue.
And she's come along kicking and screaming, and probably hates me in some way for all the instruction.
And keep in mind this is the girl who told me that she has no duty to me as a wife.
3x she told me this on 3 different occasions.
Imagine a girl you left your country to be with, who told you this later after you arrived.
And what woman over the age of 30 does not have some idea of the duties of a wife.
There are some, absolutely.
Just like the man has his, absolutely.
I think i can say for certain that the men in her native country, if they had been through with her all the agony that she has caused me.....they would have probably beat her until she suddenly matured.
So, what has happened is that she has now all the instruction and training necessary to be a good wife for the next one.
Thats my legacy with this person.
Ive trained her to know what not to do., so that next time around she will know.

But, there is no evidence that she would ever be this for me, no matter where i took her.

I just need to leave and start over with someone who appreciates a smart, faithful, honest, and fun person.
And what do i demand of my "wife'?
Do i seem demanding?
Here are my demands.
I want her to enjoy being around me.
I want her to be affectionate and loving.
I want her to tell me the truth.
Does she need to cook for me or wash my clothes?
No, not a duty.
Do i need her to keep the house spotless?
No, not a duty.
All i want is to be wanted back the same way i give love.
>everyday<
THAT is what i require.
I have a lot to offer, and unfortunately i offered it to a fool.
That can happen.
I was a fool for coming here, and she is a fool to find out later what she lost.




T1


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