# If one is interested, they'll definitely find a way to contact you?



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

I've noticed this trend in the recent years (what I call _inconsistency_) that people I date, are hype and excited during our date, but then they fade away for a few days, before reaching out to me again. 

I don't know if it's normal to you but .... 

Am I wrong to expect to be contacted at least every other day by the person I'm dating (if there's a* mutual *interest)?
Am I wrong to think that when you're really interested in someone, you'd like to wonder and ask how they're doing and what they're up to (...*not *long discussions .. but little chit-chats here and there) or just to say hi as in_ I was thinking of you_...?

Contacting and keeping in touch, to me is a way of creating closure and emotional connections. I don't need to meet that person every day but I need to hear from them constantly to relate to them. Otherwise, if we speak rarely (twice a week or less) or if we get to meet rarely, my brain does not associate him as my date. I don't even get to have any sexual fantasy whatsoever with that person.

For example: 
I've been "seeing" a guy for the past 2 months and we've only met 3 times. With a distance of more than a week from seeing each other and barely talking online (we write twice a week just to say hi. what's up).
Last time we met was last night (the 3rd time) and he invited me to his apartment.
I obviously turned him down and explained that I'm not feeling that connection yet for the reasons I said above. He said, "_we'll try to keep in touch more but I didn't know you had rules on when to sleep with a guy."_

I explained _it's not about rules, it's about creating and keeping the emotional connection wich, with you is not happening enough for me to make me sleep with you. _

It could be he's dating other people or whatever, but even if he is - it means he's not interested enough to go out of his "comfort zone" to try to contact/be with me more. 

Am I expecting much?

What do you think about contacting your SO / date / partner during dating and relationship phase?

What about those who are married? Do you write / contact your spouse during the day??


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I'm a firm believer in momentum. I wouldn't say I could put a time frame on contact but I will definantly lose interest if contact isn't ongoing. 

So yes I agree with you, some sort of contact needs to be maintained.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

lovelygirl said:


> I've noticed this trend in the recent years (what I call _inconsistency_) that people I date, are hype and excited during our date, but then they fade away for a few days, before reaching out to me again.
> 
> I don't know if it's normal to you but ....
> 
> ...


You're right on the money. Lazy partners need not apply.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Everyone I have dated seriously has messaged me throughout each day, every day after (and sometimes before) the first meeting and I would expect that to continue throughout the relationship 

Good morning, good night, and a few check ins in between. 

I also expect that we will equally plan and suggest dates, equally initiate messaging. I expect that not all dates will revolve around sex but not all have to cost money. I expect to hear some kind of future planning (IE- next month we should check out the ___ movie that's coming out) 

I'd rather have high expectations than settle.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> You're right on the money. Lazy partners need not apply.


I didn't get this phrase.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

lovelygirl said:


> Contacting and keeping in touch, to me is a way of creating closure and emotional connections. I don't need to meet that person every day but I need to hear from them constantly to relate to them. Otherwise, if we speak rarely (twice a week or less) or if we get to meet rarely, my brain does not associate him as my date. I don't even get to have any sexual fantasy whatsoever with that person.



Yes, and this can apply to friendships. I need (want) to keep in constant contact with pals, lest I lose that bond.

Ah, yes, now I know I am not alone in feeling this way!



The Typist I-


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Everyone I have dated seriously has messaged me throughout each day, every day after (and sometimes before) the first meeting and I would expect that to continue throughout the relationship
> 
> Good morning, good night, and a few check ins in between.
> 
> ...


:smnotworthy::smnotworthy::smnotworthy:

Oh thank God someone spoke my own thoughts out loud! 

I am for being initially _chased_ by the man, but then I agree with mutual planning, contacting, initiating ...and so on. 

By the way, what are your expectations on paying on dates, @SlowlyGoingCrazy


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

lovelygirl said:


> I've noticed this trend in the recent years (what I call _inconsistency_) that people I date, are hype and excited during our date, but then they fade away for a few days, before reaching out to me again.
> 
> I don't know if it's normal to you but ....
> 
> ...


One problem is your expectations versus other people's. For all you know women this has dated in the past have called him clingy for reaching out too soon after a date. In fact my son, who has been in this LDR, sent a text after not hearing from her in about a week. Just a, "hey haven't heard from you lately. You alright?" Kind of message. She responded with, I kid you not, "I didn't realize you were so clingy. We're through!" We all had a good laugh at the bullet he dodged.

And there are articles out there advising men not to seem so eager, to wait 3 or 4 days minimum before contacting back. So they may just be reading from a different playbook as opposed to having been burnt before.

And quite honestly in this day and age of MeToo I wouldn't blame a guy for letting the woman select the timetable.

Fears aside, the woman is just as capable as doing a next day reach out. It's not just on him to set up that emotional connection. You asked about your expectations of his frequency of contacting you, but you made no mention of how frequently you contacted him. It is a two way street. He might be feeling you are not interested in him as well. And in this case, I am making a generalization. Your specific example sounds like he's only after a piece.

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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

lovelygirl said:


> :smnotworthy::smnotworthy::smnotworthy:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Maybe you should do some of the initial chasing.

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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Well, looking as the odd man out, l do believe that time has dealt a death blow to modern times. And it could be thought as clingy for example, not say to those women who like being pursued. But when some do they get the heave ho , by some and makes most gun-shy.


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## DoesItGetBetter? (Aug 16, 2019)

Hello, lovelygirl - For me, as a man, when I was dating, my level of communication with a woman depended on how much I desired to further the relationship. If I was very interested in a woman, then I would communicate with her everyday via talk/text/email/phone (like when I dated my wife). If I was just halfway interested in a woman, then I could go days between communicating. It sounds to me like you are in the very beginning of a relationship with him, and he is unsure if he wants to continue or amp it up. Also, he may be unsure how serious you are about him, if he stands a chance at landing you as an exclusive relationship or wife. About his offer for sex earlier, he may be discouraged, feeling rejected or like a failure. So, if you really like him, you might want to initiate communication a few times soon in an encouraging manner to show him that you are still interested and accept/respect him. Good luck!


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> :smnotworthy::smnotworthy::smnotworthy:
> 
> Oh thank God someone spoke my own thoughts out loud!
> 
> ...


I expect that the one that asks and plans will pay (that was the asker can plan a less expensive date if needed) so I always prepare to pay if I was the asker but he often takes over and does it, which I do appreciate. I think we are at about 75% him paying to my 25%. 50% wouldn't upset me though if he wants to go somewhere nice, he's paying. 

I always offer to split it on the first date, no one has taken me up on it. 

If 1 person makes significantly more or has less expenses it would be nice if they picked up the tab more often.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

maquiscat said:


> One problem is your expectations versus other people's. For all you know women this has dated in the past have called him clingy for reaching out too soon after a date. In fact my son, who has been in this LDR, sent a text after not hearing from her in about a week. Just a, "hey haven't heard from you lately. You alright?" Kind of message. She responded with, I kid you not, "I didn't realize you were so clingy. We're through!" We all had a good laugh at the bullet he dodged.
> 
> And there are articles out there advising men not to seem so eager, to wait 3 or 4 days minimum before contacting back. So they may just be reading from a different playbook as opposed to having been burnt before.


I hate games. 
I contact how and when I feel like it. If it's not compatible with their ideas then we aren't compatible. I'd much rather get that out of the way early. 
I'm not going to trim and play and act and fit into a box to get a guy. I don't want A man, I want THE man. The one who wants me as is. 

This is the problem when you date based on what you should do vs who you are.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

maquiscat said:


> One problem is your expectations versus other people's. For all you know women this has dated in the past have called him clingy for reaching out too soon after a date. In fact my son, who has been in this LDR, sent a text after not hearing from her in about a week. Just a, "hey haven't heard from you lately. You alright?" Kind of message. She responded with, I kid you not, "I didn't realize you were so clingy. We're through!" We all had a good laugh at the bullet he dodged.


WTF???? 



> And there are articles out there advising men not to seem so eager, to wait 3 or 4 days minimum before contacting back. So they may just be reading from a different playbook as opposed to having been burnt before.


If he waited that long, I'd consider him to be not interested. 



> And quite honestly in this day and age of MeToo I wouldn't blame a guy for letting the woman select the timetable.


It's not about letting her to select the time table. It's not about him either. It's about mutual consent but at least, there's gotta be some genuine interest from both sides.



> Fears aside, the woman is just as capable as doing a next day reach out.


She is, but it's better when she's chased. At least, I like to be chased rather than do the chase.
It's not feminine for me to do the chase. 



> It's not just on him to set up that emotional connection.


It's not him but it ALSO depends on him in the sense that....indicates my connection to him.



> You asked about your expectations of his frequency of contacting you, but you made no mention of how frequently you contacted him. It is a two way street. He might be feeling you are not interested in him as well. And in this case, I am making a generalization. Your specific example sounds like he's only after a piece.


I'd like to be asked on a date and then...after 2 or 3 dates I might initiate the dating too. 

The thing is that...I've seen it with men I was NOT that interested in. They'd keep on initatiating dates constantly...for 5-6 times ..even if I hadn't initiated any date. Because they were simply interested in me, (even though I wasn't that much but I was not sure about them...). 

So, one who is interested will initiate regardless of whether you initiate or not.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Omg... i hate dating these days...

Everyone is so damned anxious...
@lovelygirl, his comment about you having rules about when you sleep with people is a red flag. Of course you should have rules! If i were you, i would shove that back on him and ask why you SHOULDN'T have rules for when you sleep with people...

As for daily communication, im dating someone long distance right now. I text and chat with her every day because i find her to be very interesting and we share a lot in common. I also genuinely want to know how she is doing, because she is going through a hell of a lot of stress right now and i want to let her know im here for her. 

Guys like that exist. I didnt meet her on a dating app though. I met her through HAM radio, a shared interest. 

Dating apps seem to bring out the worst kinds of people...


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

lovelygirl said:


> Originally Posted by Ragnar Ragnasson:
> 
> "You're right on the money. Lazy partners need not apply."
> 
> ...


I mean, I agree with you, your post.

Re "lazy partners need not apply" is a summary rebuke of anyone who wants to date you but is too lazy to show they care by staying in touch with you and how you're doing. 

That they're wasting their time if they're of a lazy sort. 

👍👍👍


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Sounds like a guy that was doing just enough to keep it progressing. Cross enough dates off and you should put out, then he's done.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

I'm with you OP. We text when we can. One thing I have noticed is when we are more intimate, we text more often. When we text less often, we are less intimate. They go hand in hand for both of us. Sounds like you are the exact same. I know of 2 particular husband's and wife's that only text business. "Cant you pick up xyz from the store?" "Daughter has practice at 7 today don't forget" things like that. That doesn't work for me either, although we text that stuff too. Its the little jokes and things we send each other, the "I love you wisahmeheart" (yep, thats how we say it) texts we send. Heart emojis. I sent her a text today about how "Hermes (my dog) is so polite. Hes always sniffing my butt and crotch just to make sure I'm good to go." Stuff like that. Inside jokes, talking about our day. Its not constant. 200 texts per month maybe? 

Sometimes we go a day here and there without a text. Its not often though.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

lovelygirl said:


> I've noticed this trend in the recent years (what I call _inconsistency_) that people I date, are hype and excited during our date, but then they fade away for a few days, before reaching out to me again.
> 
> I don't know if it's normal to you but ....
> 
> ...


In my view you are absolutely correct. There needs to be evidence of interest in each other. 
I need to ask if you think you have shown more interest than he has and did not get the same back, or if you have both not shown interest in each other. 

I ask because he might be waiting for you to show interest just like you are waiting for him to show interest. 

In my case we talk a lot when at home because our environment is such that we talk. We do not have gadgets that suppress talking in families, such as TV, Radio, etc. We play with the children then we put them to bed, then we talk. 

During the day if one of us has had an interesting journey to work we might share it on text. If late home inform the other, if picking a take away on the way home, inform the other, if unwell and gone home, inform the other, if in need f a big hug inform the other. 

If away on holiday, funeral, family issue, training, etc without the other, call daily and also speak to the children.

I have not dated for 14 years (nearly 15) so the rules may be totally different now.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Durn

So when I say hey, I stopped by the store and got the ribs, and close by saying "hey, you want a poke" is the hottest?


Just kiddin' !!

Although I regularly include "are you wearing panties?"


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

LG, it’s a process, for sure.

I think your instincts are correct. If they aren’t regularly contacting you, it’s either because they are only part way interested or it’s because they are dating others.

One thing I do is make it clear even before the first date that I am looking for an exclusive boyfriend and that I don’t have sex outside of exclusivity.

If they try to haggle me about my rules, they are nexted.

When it comes down to having a date or two and they don’t seem all that communicative, usually they fall away on their own.

So I don’t take them seriously until we have had several dates and they are still in regular contact. 

The ones who are genuinely interested and willing to be exclusive before sex always show their true colors and keep my interest.

Sometimes you meet one who you wish would contact more and it’s just a matter of him not being a big texter, so he doesn’t know I’m expecting more contact. If he seems genuine otherwise, I might make the comment that I would like more contact in between dates. It usually becomes clear then if he’s just not a texter but will up his game a bit, or if he’s just lazy or not that into you.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

MaiChi said:


> I have not dated for 14 years (nearly 15) so the rules may be totally different now.


I don't think it's rules I think it's preference, or rather, emotional needs is probably a better way to put it. Different for all of us.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

As every abusive ex in history has proven . . . .
Just wanted to present the flip side.
I'm decades (3 of them) out of the dating scene. Heck I have trouble getting a date from my wife. But there is contact. and there is anticipation. Some people like one more than the other. Some people desire continuous contact. Some people like the wait. Some people like freedom. If his contact style doesn't work for you, i'd suggest negotiation before giving up.


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## Carburatedexcuses (Jun 4, 2019)

Good People are still single for all kinds of reasons. One of those reasons is not saying you’re interested when you are. If you are then tell him. Lots of people didn’t know they wanted the iPhone until it was invented...


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

DoesItGetBetter? said:


> It sounds to me like you are in the very beginning of a relationship with him, and he is unsure if he wants to continue or amp it up


That's not even a relationship, to begin with.



> Also, he may be unsure how serious you are about him, if he stands a chance at landing you as an exclusive relationship or wife.


Yeah, of course, he is unsure if he gets to meet me once a month. 




> About his offer for sex earlier, he may be discouraged, feeling rejected or like a failure.


I don't care about him being discouraged at this point.



> So, if you really like him, you might want to initiate communication a few times soon in an encouraging manner to show him that you are still interested and accept/respect him.


Nope, not really interested in him anymore.


But yeah, I'll need some luck in future datings. :smile2:


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I hate games.
> I contact how and when I feel like it. If it's not compatible with their ideas then we aren't compatible. I'd much rather get that out of the way early.
> I'm not going to trim and play and act and fit into a box to get a guy. I don't want A man, I want THE man. The one who wants me as is.
> 
> This is the problem when you date based on what you should do vs who you are.


That's true. There's a lot of crap "play hard to get..." play this ...play that.

If I get to waste my time playing, then he's not worth it in the firs place.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

As'laDain said:


> Dating apps seem to bring out the worst kinds of people...


Dating apps are like fast-food. Unhealthy and most of the time people are less emotional because of having too many options - more than necessary. 

The temptation is there and if with Z is not work, it mght work the Y, if not again, that's still OK. W will come along the way...


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I mean, I agree with you, your post.
> 
> Re "lazy partners need not apply" is a summary rebuke of anyone who wants to date you but is too lazy to show they care by staying in touch with you and how you're doing.
> 
> ...


Yeah, especially when considering that sending a message is 2 seconds. So we're basically are 2 seconds away.

I don't buy the _I didn't have time_ or _ too busy argument_. But it has become so common nowadays that it makes me wonder if I'm actually living in a lala land....


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> Yeah, especially when considering that sending a message is 2 seconds. So we're basically are 2 seconds away.
> 
> I don't buy the _I didn't have time_ or _ too busy argument_. But it has become so common nowadays that it makes me wonder if I'm actually living in a lala land....


I get messages like "hey babe, work is going to be a bit of a mad house today so I won't be able to message much but I'm thinking of you and will write when I'm off for the day" 

30 seconds. It's not that hard.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> I'm with you OP. We text when we can. One thing I have noticed is when we are more intimate, we text more often. When we text less often, we are less intimate.


'Xactly!
It's never good for a woman to be reminded that she exsits only when it's time for sext at night.
Intimacy outside the bedroom, predicts what goes on in the bedroom. The lack of such intimacy outside, will lead to the lack of intimacy inside.




> They go hand in hand for both of us. Sounds like you are the exact same. I know of 2 particular husband's and wife's that only text business. "Cant you pick up xyz from the store?" "Daughter has practice at 7 today don't forget" things like that.


That couple have run out of love for each other. They're basically in just of the routine of the marriage.



> That doesn't work for me either, although we text that stuff too. Its the little jokes and things we send each other, the "I love you wisahmeheart" (yep, thats how we say it) texts we send. Heart emojis. I sent her a text today about how "Hermes (my dog) is so polite. Hes always sniffing my butt and crotch just to make sure I'm good to go." Stuff like that. Inside jokes, talking about our day. Its not constant. 200 texts per month maybe?


Yep those inside jokes, and flirty messages throughout the day are very helpful for both, especially the woman.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

MaiChi said:


> In my view you are absolutely correct. There needs to be evidence of interest in each other.
> I need to ask if you think you have shown more interest than he has and did not get the same back, or if you have both not shown interest in each other.
> 
> I ask because he might be waiting for you to show interest just like you are waiting for him to show interest.


Nah...I've noticed the guys who are truly interested. They don't wait. They ACT. FAST. :wink2:

Then if he waits, he's not for me. Pretty passive for the type of guy that I fall for.




> In my case we talk a lot when at home because our environment is such that we talk. We do not have gadgets that suppress talking in families, such as TV, Radio, etc. We play with the children then we put them to bed, then we talk.
> 
> During the day if one of us has had an interesting journey to work we might share it on text. If late home inform the other, if picking a take away on the way home, inform the other, if unwell and gone home, inform the other, if in need f a big hug inform the other.


AWWWWW ideal for me!!!




> I have not dated for 14 years (nearly 15) so the rules may be totally different now.


No, it's about feelings. Not rules.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> I don't think it's rules I think it's preference, or rather, emotional needs is probably a better way to put it. Different for all of us.


Emotional needs?

Not sure if that's it.

You mean, love language? How you show love?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Does anyone actually talk on the phone anymore or has texting neutralized the excitement of talking to the person who you are trying to date?
When I was in the dating game I always rang my date the next day to tell her how much I enjoyed meeting her and the date itself.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> One thing I do is make it clear even before the first date that I am looking for an exclusive boyfriend and that I don’t have sex outside of exclusivity.


That's a good point but most of them would feel pressured by this. I'm with you, I like to make things known before hand. 

But maybe immature guys or those who are not sure if they wanna invest, don't like this approach.

.


> When it comes down to having a date or two and they don’t seem all that communicative, usually they fall away on their own.


All that communicative as in between dates or during / within the date?



> So I don’t take them seriously until we have had several dates and they are still in regular contact.


Hmm..good point!
What would you call "several" dates

For example, in my case I get the vibe around te 2nd date and any other date the 3rd or 4th would be more than enough to make me come with a decision whether they're worth it or not. 



> The ones who are genuinely interested and willing to be exclusive before sex always show their true colors and keep my interest.


How many dates before you have sex? 



> Sometimes you meet one who you wish would contact more and it’s just a matter of him not being a big texter, so he doesn’t know I’m expecting more contact. If he seems genuine otherwise, I might make the comment that I would like more contact in between dates. It usually becomes clear then if he’s just not a texter but will up his game a bit, or if he’s just lazy or not that into you.


True.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Andy1001 said:


> Does anyone actually talk on the phone anymore or has texting neutralized the excitement of talking to the person who you are trying to date?
> When I was in the dating game I always rang my date the next day to tell her how much I enjoyed meeting her and the date itself.


SUCH a great question I was about to ask!

If you want my real thought on this, I HATE TEXTING, I LOVE talking!!!!

If I date you, I want to hear your voice, your emotions.
Texting would be okay for some little chit chat here and there when you can't talk but I wouldnt' prefer it as the main source of communication. It's too robotic, tiring...and so on.

Especially when you want to fix the location and you can't find it ....huugh....tiring to write!!

But most guys AVOID calling. They are AFRAID of voice confrontation. This is how I see it. They have no balls for phone calls.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Mr. Nail said:


> As every abusive ex in history has proven . . . .
> Just wanted to present the flip side.
> I'm decades (3 of them) out of the dating scene. Heck I have trouble getting a date from my wife. But there is *contact. *and there is* anticipation.* Some people like one more than the other. * Some people desire continuous contact. Some people like the wait. Some people like freedom.* If his contact style doesn't work for you, i'd suggest negotiation before giving up.


I like the balance. I wouldn't choose one over the other, but I would want some bits from all of them. Maybe, I would choose contact to be a bit more on the top of the list...but the relationship is colorful if there is variety. Contact and freedom and anticipation...and so on. It's hard to find and keep that variety, but maybe it works with people who are in the same vibe or wavelength and that have similar goals in a relationship/dating.

Both ought to want LTR or both ought to want ONS/FWB. If any of them goes for the 1st option and the other for the 2nd, then it's not gonna work. 
The goal is way different in the first place, therefore the intensity of communication will differ a lot.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> 1. That's a good point but most of them would feel pressured by this. I'm with you, I like to make things known before hand.
> 
> But maybe immature guys or those who are not sure if they wanna invest, don't like this approach.
> 
> ...


On point #1, see I just don't give a crap if they feel pressured or like my approach or not. If they don't, they clearly are not on the same page and NEXT! But honestly I have had mostly positive responses because the guys say "it's great you know what you want and know how to express it", stuff like that.

Point 2, yes I meant in between dates.

Point 3, I'd say 3 dates at least, and sometimes it takes a few more, because some dates may be just the quick initial meet up and doesn't really give me enough time to evaluate. Sometimes the first date lasts for 5 hours and then that kind of counts as 2 or more dates (based on how well we got to know each other and how we vibe together).

Point 4, there is not really rule, sex happens when I feel ready for it, know I'm hot for him, know he has at least a chance to be fulfilling to me (based on things we have talked about), and know that we have both agreed to exclusivity and taken our profiles down. This has happened as early as date 2 but that's rare.

I do not expect a guy to take himself off the market just to meet me. I assume we are both multi-dating until we declare exclusivity. But I have had dates that went so well we both took our profiles down immediately after the date and headed towards exclusivity. In these cases, they always ended up being a good match and a boyfriend.

I've found that a lot of men also want exclusivity. They, like us, want a connection and want to only share themselves with one woman at a time. I guess since I have already by-passed every profile that says they are looking for "something casual", I've already weeded out dudes who don't want just one partner at a time.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Andy1001 said:


> Does anyone actually talk on the phone anymore or has texting neutralized the excitement of talking to the person who you are trying to date?
> When I was in the dating game I always rang my date the next day to tell her how much I enjoyed meeting her and the date itself.


^ This. I hate texting. Like you @Andy1001, I feel it is "flat". It is very difficult to gauge emotion from a few lines of words. It is hard for me so I avoid doing it at all cost.

I also cannot dedicate hours to texting so I have to find the most efficient way of communicating. I can talk while I'm stuck in traffic for an hour in the morning and afternoons. I can talk while I'm cooking dinner. I can talk while I'm cleaning up the house. Hell, I can talk while I'm working out at the gym. 

There's two things you need to realize @lovelygirl. 1) It is human nature to prioritize those things we feel are important and for which we are willing to spend our time and resources. And 2) If you're not a priority, you're an option.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I hate games.
> 
> I contact how and when I feel like it. If it's not compatible with their ideas then we aren't compatible. I'd much rather get that out of the way early.
> 
> ...


Who is talking about games? Why can't a person be straight forward and say, " if you want this relationship to progress, I would like some kind of daily contact." Or, "Look, I'm interested, but I find daily contact at this stage overwhelming." Leaving someone to play guessing games as to when they should follow up will leave you wondering why they can't get it right.

Sent from my Z982 using Tapatalk


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

lovelygirl said:


> Emotional needs?
> 
> Not sure if that's it.
> 
> You mean, love language? How you show love?


Not love languages. I'm not a believer in them necessarily. Humans are too nuanced to narrow people down to 5 categories. Also, they shift and move depending on circumstance and during different seasons of life. So the whole idea is nonsense to a degree IME. It's a good look into emotional needs concept if you are struggling to connect, so it serves its purpose, but I like to think we have grown past all that. It's like beginners course work is how I see it. Not a finished product like how the sales pitch often goes.

If he was connected with you emotionally, perhaps that invite up to his apartment would have been accepted. Goes back to what you agreed with, more texting, better connection, more sex. Less texting, less connection, less sex. Love doesn't enter that equation between DW and I. It's about emotional needs. Could be anything. Not one of 5 things, that's silly. So in this case, you have a need to connect daily. Some people dont. Some people have a need to be left alone more often where the word clingy might describe you and I from their perspective. 

When you are feeling connected, emotional needs are being met. You dont feel connected when they aren't reaching out to you consistently. So that is an emotional need of yours. You could be a great match otherwise and sparks fly when you are together. Doesn't matter. If that basic need isn't met, they aren't a match. So its beyond preference.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

lovelygirl said:


> WTF????


Yeah. Now imagine if some guys has had this happen to him multiple times.





> If he waited that long, I'd consider him to be not interested.


And how is he supposed to know that? When there is so much variety of "proper callback periods" out there, how is he supposed to magically know what you are looking for as "interested"? Especially when there are women who do feel differently.





> It's not about letting her to select the time table. It's not about him either. It's about mutual consent but at least, there's gotta be some genuine interest from both sides.


Again, what you consider an appropriate period is not universal. If his past experience is completely opposite of what you want, he could be interested, but won't know to call Sooner, even though he would be willing to.




> She is, but it's better when she's chased. At least, I like to be chased rather than do the chase.
> 
> It's not feminine for me to do the chase.



Another good example of how women are different. Some women want to do the chase, others want a slower chase. Still others will see a call too soon as stalking instead of chasing. To expect a man to know which you are in unreasonable.







> So, one who is interested will initiate regardless of whether you initiate or not.


This is false. Or rather not universally true. And that is the point I am trying to get across. Now maybe you don't want anyone who isn't going to instinctively be that way, and that is perfectly valid. But it also means that you could miss some good ones interested in you. The communication that keeps a relationship going starts on the first date.

Sent from my Z982 using Tapatalk


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Andy1001 said:


> Does anyone actually talk on the phone anymore or has texting neutralized the excitement of talking to the person who you are trying to date?
> 
> When I was in the dating game I always rang my date the next day to tell her how much I enjoyed meeting her and the date itself.


You comments remind me of my grandfather complaining about phone use when I was younger (before the internet and cell phones were common place). "I guess phones have replaced real socialization now. When we wanted to let a girl know we enjoyed the date, we talked to them face to face!"

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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Andy1001 said:


> Does anyone actually talk on the phone anymore or has texting neutralized the excitement of talking to the person who you are trying to date?
> When I was in the dating game I always rang my date the next day to tell her how much I enjoyed meeting her and the date itself.


I’ve met a few guys who wanted to talk on the phone before meeting. I always agree to this but I don’t ask for it myself. I’m not a big phone call person.

Once we are into it, I appreciate a call now and then. But I’m far more communicative by text, even in a relationship.

I had one guy who apparently was just chatty all the time and wanted to call me every time he was in the car. It seemed that he would not just be ok with his own company and “needed” someone to keep him from getting bored while he was alone. I didn’t like that and stopped answering the phone once I realized he was going to call me multiple times a day if I answered.

Stopped seeing him for other reasons but the too many phone calls and apparent neediness would have been a deal breaker in itself eventually.

I do understand that not being a phone person I have to let that go and do some phone calls now and then if the guy prefers it. I still don’t really enjoy it but I do it.

If it is a quick call to confirm something, I’m all good with that. “Talking” on the phone is something I enjoy with girlfriends but not really with guys. Other than my son and my brother. I do have phone conversations with them. But it is not very often and we have things to catch-up on.

A guy I’m seeing regularly, I don’t have much to say because I have probably just seen him a few days ago.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Him saying this "we'll try to keep in touch more but I didn't know you had rules on when to sleep with a guy."
What a cheek, that's so rude, and a big red flag that for me would end things immediately.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

lovelygirl said:


> I've noticed this trend in the recent years (what I call _inconsistency_) that people I date, are hype and excited during our date, but then they fade away for a few days, before reaching out to me again.
> 
> I don't know if it's normal to you but ....
> 
> ...


Just saw this. I don't know what anyone considers normal behavior but I wouldn't put up with a guy treating you like that.

I have had a lot of experience with women and many of the relationships were short lived and physical but I never ghosted them and was with them all the way when I was involved with them. I never went long periods of time without contact.

If someone isn't interested enough to invest time at least a couple times a week, I wouldn't be interested either.


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## curious2 (Jan 13, 2013)

You’ve been seeing him for 2 months and only got together 3X. In my opinion, that alone shows he isn’t interested. Not nearly enough.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Point 3, I'd say 3 dates at least, and sometimes it takes a few more, because some dates may be just the quick initial meet up and doesn't really give me enough time to evaluate. Sometimes the first date lasts for 5 hours and then that kind of counts as 2 or more dates (based on how well we got to know each other and how we vibe together).


wow, I've never had a date last 5 hours. the most would be 2 hours.

Where do you usually go for dates ? 




> I've found that a lot of men also want exclusivity. They, like us, want a connection and want to only share themselves with one woman at a time. I guess since I have already by-passed every profile that says they are looking for "something casual", I've already weeded out dudes who don't want just one partner at a time.


you reminded me to specify on my profile that I'm not interested in ONS or anything similar.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Lila said:


> ^ This. I hate texting. Like you @
> 
> There's two things you need to realize [MENTION=37509]lovelygirl. 1) It is human nature to prioritize those things we feel are important and for which we are willing to spend our time and resources. And 2) If you're not a priority, you're an option.


I don't expect to always be a priority, but at least if I'm able to catch the signs of "option" on time, then I can freely move on.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> So in this case, you have a need to connect daily. Some people dont. Some people have a need to be left alone more often where the word clingy might describe you and I from their perspective.


Yep, I'm an extrovert. I need daily contacts and company of people. 



> When you are feeling connected, emotional needs are being met. You dont feel connected when they aren't reaching out to you consistently. So that is an emotional need of yours. You could be a great match otherwise and sparks fly when you are together. Doesn't matter. If that basic need isn't met, they aren't a match. So its beyond preference.


That's totally true.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> wow, I've never had a date last 5 hours. the most would be 2 hours.
> 
> Where do you usually go for dates ?


It would not be usual for a date to last 5 hours but a few times this has happened. One example was a guy I met on a beach in Florida while I was on vacay. We knew we would both have to leave and go back home and we don't live close to each other. So we met on the beach, talked, flirted, exchanged numbers and planned to meet later that night at a dance club. We found each other at the club, danced and drank for awhile (at least 2 hours), then went back to the beach and laid on a cabana bed and looked at the stars and made out like teens for hours. Other people were on the beach, it wasn't like clothes were flying off or we were going to get arrested for anything. It was all rather sweet and innocent.

We did try for a minute to figure out a LDR after we both got home but it just could not work.

Another date I had, the guy was not from my area originally. As we were talking and I realized he had been here for 2 years but STILL had not even been to the beach, I said well screw that, I'm taking you there right now. As it had been an early Saturday morning date, we had time to spare and he enthusiastically agreed and we drove the 1.5 hours to the beach, kicked around there for several hours, then drove back. He and I ended up dating for several months.

Another time was when @ReformedHubby came to Portland to meet me. The first night he got in, we spent maybe an hour together as he was tired from the flight. The next day we spent at least 6 hours together, going all over town, eating, shopping, etc.

If he and I had not clicked, I would not have spent that much time with him (I'm sure he felt the same, it would have been no problem to just limit our visit to a quick date like amount of time).

Unfortunately, he and also could not work out an LDR, so we remain friends, even though it was probably the BEST date/weekend-date I've ever had.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

If you've been dating for 2 months, and have only met 3 times, he's not interested and likely dating others as well.

All the excuses - and that's all they are - work/busy/sick relatives/stress blah blah blah, yeah, next. If you went on 3 dates with him he knows you're interested.

When I met my husband - online - he wanted to meet in person straight away, but I was cautious and wanted a couple of phone conversations first. He would send me a text during the day, asking if X time would be good for me that night for him to call and if I said yes he always called on time. If he couldn't he text me again to let me know that something had happened and he'd like to call at X time instead if that was ok. 

When we started dating, he never let a date end without locking in the next one. Ever. He knew I was interested because I kept saying yes. He courted me, spoilt me and I lapped it up, I loved it. I was appreciative and genuinely thankful - I had never been treated so well by a boyfriend before.

I'd next this guy honey, and next time speak up ONCE if you'd like the guy to contact you more (or something else) and if he doesn't listen, find someone who will. Raise the bar higher sweetie, you deserve better - and one lucky guy out there who also deserves better is looking for you right now xx


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## .339971 (Sep 12, 2019)

It takes two to make it work, but if the interest is solely on your side of the fence and you're always the one to initiate, it speaks volumes. Sure, they could very well be busy. BUT, if they're genuinely interested, they'll make the time and won't come up with excuses. That's been my experience.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

A very close and older female friend once told me when dating that if a woman doesn’t make it plain that she wants to sleep with you within a week or two of meeting her, then it’s never going to happen. Or be good when it does. 

I took that to heart and it helped me a lot. 

Don’t chase mirages. If he’s not reaching out, move on. 

Whether he’s not into you that much or is distracted by life or is too insecure to put himself out there doesn’t matter. It’s not a fit.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Marduk said:


> A very close and older female friend once told me when dating that if a woman doesn’t make it plain that she wants to sleep with you within a week or two of meeting her, then it’s never going to happen. Or be good when it does.
> 
> I took that to heart and it helped me a lot.
> 
> ...


I didn't know whether to laugh or cry when I read what that lady said to you, what total nonsense. The happiest marriages I know are those between people who didn't even have sex till they married. She is completely wrong. 
Yes sex does happen despite waiting more than a week, and yes its good. 
Sad she thought so little of herself and men that she really believed that.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Diana7 said:


> I didn't know whether to laugh or cry when I read what that lady said to you, what total nonsense. The happiest marriages I know are those between people who didn't even have sex till they married. She is completely wrong.
> 
> Yes sex does happen despite waiting more than a week, and yes its good.
> 
> Sad she thought so little of herself and men that she really believed that.



Lol, the key is that she wants to, not that you do. 

The point is to not chase people that are “meh” about you.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

as'ladain said:


> omg... I hate dating these days...
> 
> Everyone is so damned anxious...
> 
> ...


_. .. _._. .


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

SunCMars said:


> _. .. _._. .


Lol, if werent for the girlfriend i mentioned earlier sending me digital recordings of russ farnsworth himself, i would have had to look that up...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

As'laDain said:


> Lol, if werent for the girlfriend i mentioned earlier sending me digital recordings of russ farnsworth himself, i would have had to look that up...


At one time I trained for a secondary commo MOS in SF.

I passed the course and then later forgot most of what I had learned. 
Use it or lose it....for sure!


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Marduk said:


> A very close and older female friend once told me when dating that if a woman doesn’t make it plain that she wants to sleep with you within a week or two of meeting her, then it’s never going to happen. Or be good when it does.
> 
> I took that to heart and it helped me a lot.


I don't agree with this. 
I know couples who waited more than a month to have sex, eventhough they would see each other daily. She was not ready..

Now it's been 3 years since they got married. 5 years in total together.

So there's not black&white answer/rule.



> Don’t chase mirages. If he’s not reaching out, move on.
> 
> Whether he’s not into you that much or is distracted by life or is too insecure to put himself out there doesn’t matter. It’s not a fit.


With this I agree! 

It's like the expression: _If you really want it, you'll find a way. If you don't, you'll find an excuse. _


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

frusdil said:


> He would *send me a text during the day*, asking if X time would be good for me that night for him to call and if I said yes he always called on time. If he couldn't he text me again to let me know that something had happened and he'd like to call at X time instead if that was ok.
> 
> When we started dating, *he never let a date end without locking in the next one. * Ever. He knew I was interested because I kept saying yes. * He courted me, spoilt me* and I lapped it up, I loved it. I was appreciative and genuinely thankful - I had never been treated so well by a boyfriend before.


Awww !!! These would be perfectness for me!!!!


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

lovelygirl said:


> I don't agree with this.
> 
> I know couples who waited more than a month to have sex, eventhough they would see each other daily. She was not ready..
> 
> ...



I think the point was not to chase people that don’t want to be chased.


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