# Fed up and broken; Looking for a lady's perspective



## hiblabibla (Apr 13, 2011)

I am fed up of my marriage and my wife.

In the past 9 years, I have turned into this shameful animal who has lost all his virtues and principles that he held very dear. My wife cannot talk to me ever nicely, she goes off on me without any reason, and calls me names. She makes baseless accusations and allegations without any facts, and in a lot of cases they are so outrageously out of whack they could make a dead man laugh!!

I cannot have a conversation. She has a problem with everything I have ever done and there is no appreciation for anything I have done for her: 
1. After marriage in late 2002, her degree wasn't very sellable in USA and in addition to a job, she needed work visa sponsorship (not common in her industry). I bought her a computer so she could search for jobs (that was my duty she says). She said Baltimore didn't offer opportunities in her field; I told her I will move for/with her anywhere she could find a job in USA ("What good would you be you if you didn't do even this much in marriage" I am told).
2. I was in a travelling job at the time that kept me away 4 days out in a week, and I was working hard. She didn't like that attangement because she would be alone then (rightly so since she was new to the country with no friends). So I worked with my managers to work in a closeby location where she could travel with me in the car if I was to be offsite; not too much done for her yet?!?
3. Still having issues finding a job, she wanted to apply to UPitt for Masters degree. Told her didn't have the money for tuition (had been working only a year) and non-resident legal status didn't qualify me for a loan those days, but would support her in any way she needed, but she would need a scholarship. Helped her with GRE, wrote her essays, compiled her application while she was holidaying in India and secured her admission. Doesn't count toward anything I have done for her still!!!
4. She found the program and research difficult (I even asked my subordinates at work if they knew Java and could help her, but that doesn't count as doing anything for her either). She still kept looking for jobs (it is 2004 now by the way); on her request, got my friend in NY to obtain and send an employer's directory and I would fax her resume to 5 different places each day. Then drove her from Harrisburg to NY and back on same day for an interview. Same thing next week. She finally got the job. Bye bye difficult study, I love the job in my own field! My contribution = zero, zilch, nada!
5. We moved fr+C7om Harrisburg to NJ for her job. Now after all these years I get to hear I brought her to NJ, and I didn't let her finish her course!!
6. Bought a one bedroom apartment in NJ (probably the first good thing to happen to me in new millenium after my job), she had no credit history, nobody would give her a loan and so the apartment went in my name. I am being accused to this day that i intentionally kept her off the mortgage!
7. Then I lost my job because of company policy violation (a lesson not to allow your friends access your company laptop) and being innocent I told my wife of whole situation - I had nothing to hide, but she blamed me. So much for being innocent and honest and trustful!! To this day, I am reminded of and blamed for that. It shattered me at the time, and she did give me emotional support at the time - that I acknowledge to this day, but the day I got my next job, her emotional support was replaced by her true feelings about the whole episode! Wanna guess what they were?
8. She had been working 5 months when we bought our house - still no credit history, mortgage banker advised me he couldnt give a loan if she was a co-applicant; hey, I tried! Again my name only on the mortgage and same accusation to this day!! I was so hurt within and wondered if she thought it was possible for me to sell the houses without her knowledge and somehow run away with the money! If she couldn't trust me what good was the marriage. And for God's sake, it is a 250k debt, not a million-dollar art piece that doesn't have her name on the deed!!
9. I always wanted to get an MBA and spent 8k as my semester tuition fee from NYU, but I withdrew from the program because of my immigration status. To this day I am hearing that I wasted so much money! That I didn't pay for her tuition but paid for mine - so I was selfish. It doesn't matter that we had saved/accumulated money in these years and furthermore she quit the program because she couldn't cope while I quit because of immigration status. I was an A-grader!!!
10. My middle-class parents in India sacrificed so many of their own desires all their lives to bring up me and my brother nicely. My father was 53 years old when he bought his first hatchback. So finally I wanted to do something for him - I wanted to get him a car that folks would be proud of and all it needed was $18k. I only spent 8k and my brother, younger by two years, with less money in his bank account contributed more. Shame on me!!! But she has never forgiven me for that! "But you did not buy my parents a car" - this when I have been telling her all along that I would support anything she wants to do for her parents. How the hell am I supposed to know I should buy them a similar car without being communicated to!!!!!
11. Through the years, her relationship was severely damaged with my family. She was rude at times and insulted them (in my absence on a trip to India), and my father when he couldn't take it any longer took it out on her father. Then when my parents visited us, she was all out for revenge - she insulted them right in front of me, no discussion no reasoning would make her understand, she was like a woman possessed. It became a daily thing - she would scream at them at everything they did, nothing I said would calm her down, my mother was literally scared and being a heart patient this was very bad for her health. But this woman, my wife, who I had done so much for didn't care about anything. My old and poor parents were so hurt, they would eat cereal for dinner in her son's home just to get by. On their last day she still had the gall to taunt them on their way out of the house. They left crying! I had so far not displayed any emotion and acted strong lest they were consumed by the despair in their son's life, but once their flight left, I cried and cried and cried. Since then, she hates my parents and brother (don't know why him because even though he was staying with us at the time, he never said a word to her despite all this crap out of respect for me).She constantly lives under the impression that everyone hates her, is conspiring against her and is out to fleece her of all the money she has! (But she cannot answer the simple question "Why"!!) She believes and says on my face that I am an idiot and my parents/brother are manipulating me to give them money, when the truth is they don't care about money. My father is donating $10k worth of his reirement income every year and he is retired with a bank balance of no more than $40k, and she thinks all they need me for is money. What bull****!!!
12. I am tired of her obsession with money and material things, but she thinks I am the one obsessed. She has her own bank account with about 80k in there, she stays at home now with a kid and another on the way, so I am running the whole house on my salary (and happily without any expectation mind you), all my salary goes into another joint account that pays all the bills - she has access to that account and checks it every 2 days, looks up all my credit cards, but has been nagging me to make her co-owner on the brokerage account that I have been nursing over the years. I will do it, because i want peace in my home and life, not out of love anymore. When I got married to her, I made a meager 58k but I was happy, I drove the car I wanted, I took my friends to lunch. Through all these years she has constantly beaten into my head that I dont make enough money, that I cannot afford a colonial 4-bedroom 700k house in New Jersey; this has consumed me so much that I have become so petty now I feel miserable. She has ruined all my mental balance.
13. Every discussion we have turns into a one-sided screaming, laced with abuses and insults hurled at my parents and brother who live 8000 miles away - this for my father who made me promise never to slap my wife again. Yes, I had stooped down to that level a few years ago and gave up after I realized it was just sooo wrong and without any benefit. But make no mistake, it was she who had astonished me by first slapping me within the first year of our marriage! But to this day, it is a battle I am facing - she is so good at pushing my buttons and keeps doing so, and testing my resolve even after I have been ignoring her crazy, senseless, blabbering for over an hour. And I am so worried about our 4 year old daughter now. I also doubt that she doesn't pass me the phone messages people leave for me and God knows what she talks to them about, but she sure threatens me to use that information somewhere, somehow to someone's detriment. I believe she has also started hiding important mail meant for my brother (that sometimes arrives at my place) - the credit card company told me they have sent it to my place twice but she says nothing came (she stays at home now and has control over these things while I am at work). I have been trying to ignore these things, and her behavior and her deeds in the hopes that she will come around some day, but now I feel it may never happen. She belittles me on every thing - I am slow, I am lazy, I am a fool, I am not practical, I will never succeed, I will always be a loser, I am an a**hole, my friends don't like me, I cannot buy a million dollar home like a classmate from school, I cannot give her a good life, her parents don't like me (not that I care about that particularly anymore), etc., etc.

I am scared about our 4 year old (she has been teaching my daughter untrue things also about me and my family I am coming to learn, sometimes defiantly in front of me). And we have another on the way. I dont want to divorce because I don't want to lose my children, but I cannot stay in this relationship either now. And I don't have anyone to talk to for advice or to share. I work hard all day, am trying to do the best I can but nothing is working. I made 140k last year, but she is still not satisfied with it; well, what's a man gotta do? Can anyone tell me what I can do other than making it a life or death thing, I need my kids but not the wife!!


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## wanttobehappy56 (Mar 31, 2011)

Not a lady, but I'll offer you some advice: RUN AND RUN NOW. Get a lawyer, and get one before she does. Don't try to tell her anything, she'll spin it to make you the bad guy, and you'll buy it because you really want to make this marriage work, and end up feeling emotionally bankrupt just like you do now.


She has no respect for you, and you have no respect for yourself, *YOU HAVE TO GAIN YOUR SELF-RESPECT BACK NOW*, because it will only get worse if you let her do this to you any longer.

I hate your situation, but you have to start being selfish, for your sake and your daughter's sake.

Also, delete your browsing history, don't give her any leverage.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

She sounds really awful and abusive.
I think you should leave, but first try and compile some evidence of her behaviour and then get a lawyer. 

You must not let your children grow up in this environment.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You should be documenting, using a voice-activated recorder, and doing whatever you can to plan to leave and get full-custody with supervised visits only for wife w/child. She sounds very mentally ill and you need to protect your daughter until wife gets treatment. 

Take this seriously--get her screaming fits on tape/video if possible. You will want that evidence b/c otherwise you won't be able to get full custody. Talk to a lawyer about getting the courts to mandate that she start working with a mental health professional.


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## AniversaryFight (Mar 7, 2011)

I feel like find a stick and slap you by taking all that crap!

Take your left or right hand (the strong one), slap yourself ten times for taking all that crap.

You also contributed to hurt you parents to cry by not standing for them!!

Find another woman NOW!


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