# Advice Wanted (Long Read)



## daone2384 (Jun 25, 2008)

Ok, here's my problem. My wife and I have been married for a little over 4 years now, and we are both in our mid to early 20's. We also have 2 children together. After we had our first child I was not the greatest husband. There were times where I would wonder off and end up getting caught talking to other women or I would not be paying her enough attention. The times when it did happen it was very brief due to my wife finding out. Nothing sexual ever happened and I truly believe that I was doing it all for the thrill. I feel so bad for doing that being that my wife was everything I could have asked for and more, and I neglected her over a bunch of b/s. So eventually, I put that phase behind me and I stopped. Over the past 6-9 months I have seen a total transformation in her attitude, and the way she conducts herself. Just to put this out she's a stay at home mom, and I work full time and go to school part time. So back to the story. She started going to school and she met some new friends who wanted to hang out alot. So I let her do her thing because she would complain she didn't get any time away from the kids. So months and months went by, and things just got worse and worse. First, it started with holding back sex, and when we did have sex it was purely a physical act with no emotions involved. Then she started going out more regularly with no regard as to when she came home. Soon after I find out just by looking through some old phone bills that she's been talking to her ex for a few years now over the phone. She swears up and down that it is nothing and that they are just friends, but she refuses to let the friendship go even though I do not like the situation. So now we pretty much don't hold conversations with each other. She seems to cherish her girlfriends phone calls and going out plus her ex more than me. Then she tells me she doesn't really care for talking to me because what I talk about is nothing. After all this, and with her telling me she is not sure if she's in love with me. I trying my best to make it work, and she is trying somewhat also, but I am insistent that she stops talking to her ex because its my biggest problem with her, but she is trying her best to keep the friendship. Any advice would be gladly appreciated.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

have you pointed out to her that her relationship with her ex is an emotional affair that is ruining the marriage and that the same things she disliked you doing she is doing now?

draconis


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

this is a normal rolloercoaster for what you are saying.
you pushed her away b 4 . and its reared up in your face now. it would nt have mattered if it was 5 - 10 - 15 weeks, a year down the line after you done it.
but unfortunately its happening now, she is detaching herself. 
she is finding independence. in relationships we all do this, we stop going out, doing things together , flowers, because we stop courting eachother. after a while you settle down and ajust to married life and kids. and then you go into this lull.
i believe on your wifes part. what u did had an effect. but her opportunities to go out and speak to others is now. 
what im trying to say is, when you were doing what you were doing, she was comfortable in what she had. things might not have been great. but as a wife you say to yourself, well i look after my hubby and kids ect etc and you accept those responsibilites.
to help you with this one, in terms of words.
my hubby had a one night stand. obviously i hurt badly. but i had not been out for ages. 
my brother is single and one night asked me to go out. i went out every week with my brother and then a mate away asked me to go and stay with her so i did. i met through her a bloke. nothing happened. but wht im trying to say is, those opportunities were not there before. 
thats why wether is was now or later, i believe it was inevitable. opportunities would happen for her.
with regards to talking. i can even tell you that perspective to. what she means by the talk about nothing, is that your conversation is innocuos. 
basically you talk about mundane things, like how was work. have you had a good day.
your conversation is short and repetetive. 
now from my point of view , i know my hubby and he does the same things. 
doesnt discuss things, i.e going out, the children, finances - simply asking is there n e thing we need to sort for the children, do they need new shoes , clothes. thats what women want. 
my hubby tells me about his day, and i dont particularily care. and its because he talks about himself constant. but when it comes to wife and kids he asks short questions , that only instigate short answers.
but thats also a man. 
why dont you ask your wife to go out with you. when was the last time you actually paid her attention. 
her ex, is obviously giving her attention, regardless of whether its innocent or not.
when hubby and i split. i met the bloke i just told u about. we lived to far from eachother and i had so much fun with him over the phone, regardless of the distance, i got attention. we had txt sex and he told me what he'd do with me. it was a real turn on and it works, even over the phone. 
i promise none of it amounted to n e thing. 
but it was the fantasy that pushed the boundaries and homelife was simply a different world to get away from.
a tip , start dressing nice, even around the home and put on aftershave, at home.
the trouble is on this, you revert back, but you must try and carry on. when was the last time she saw you pay attention to yourself. 
do it now and when she comes home she might not say n e thing, but i bet money she thinks it. 
make a start somewhere. now
i do agree with you on the her ex, she should not do that. 
but i think she is just being rebellious, showing you what she can do.


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## first year (Jun 17, 2008)

First of all I think it is great that you understand what you did in the past was wrong to her. You are taking responsibility for what you did, and how it affected your wife. You need to tell her this and let her know how sorry you are that you did that. Women do not forget these type of things. Second, do not stress about your wife talking to her ex. If this has been going on years then chances are they are just friends, if she was having any type of affair with this man she would have walked out on you when you were flirting with these other women because hey she would have already had someone else waiting for her. Explain to her that you have been asking her to stop talking to her ex because of your insecurities. Tell her that you want to trust her completly, and want the same from her. If your marriage is truly at the point where she is no longer sure that she loves you then you need to drop this business about her talking to her ex. Think about it from her prespective shes feeling this way and then your pressuring her to stop talking to one of her friends, this will only push her away further. Let her talk to this guy who cares he is the ex for a reason and you are her present for a reason. Instead focus your energy on rebuilding the romance between the two of you. Good luck


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