# Should I give the OM info about my wife?



## fredmila (Jan 24, 2012)

I am the one who started the 'should I inform my wife of her FOG situation?' but I have opened another thread to talk about the post-wife-kick-out event.

People have suggested that I dig out dirt on the OM and give it to my wife, but what if I do it the other way round? I have unsavoury information, about my wife that I could give the OM to put him off her during their 'blind love' stage. I am not saying what it is exactly as I do not want the thread to be deviated. 

I know people will say, if she is so bad why do you want her yourself? well, she is the mother of my children and I committed myself to help her with her demons. 

If I want my wife back, could this be counter-productive? I cannot ask the OM not to show her the information, he may do.

Remember, people have suggested to me the No more Mr nice guy approach


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

I didn't comment on your other thread bc the advice and opinions were solid and well reasoned.

You plan here is not a good one AT ALL.

First:the OM probabably doesn't give a hoot about what you have to say. He's getting what he wants and it ain't a lifetime partner. So he'll likely just chuckle to himself.

Second: he will share your info with your wife in an attempt to make you look even worse. So yeah, it'll backfire and resonate for a mighty long time.

IMO you should reconsider the solid advice on your other thread.

(and before you accuse me of being bitter, I'm not -but I'm afraid you're going to be bitter and angry at yourself when this goes south)

I know you're in a bad place so I'll excuse you if you feel you have to dis my opinion. Good luck, and I mean that sincerely.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

fredmila said:


> I am the one who started the 'should I inform my wife of her FOG situation?' but I have opened another thread to talk about the post-wife-kick-out event.
> 
> People have suggested that I dig out dirt on the OM and give it to my wife, but what if I do it the other way round? *I have unsavoury information, about my wife that I could give the OM to put him off her during their 'blind love' stage. I am not saying what it is exactly as I do not want the thread to be deviated.*
> 
> ...


Ummm... No.

Oh... sorry how about...*Heck, No!*

This is a very, very bad idea. You might as well pack her bags and deliver them and her to the OM.

He would use that against you with your wife.

Please. Do not do this.


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## Malcolm38 (Dec 25, 2012)

Honestly, I don't mean this in a snarky way...but he isn't really all that interested in what kind of inspirational woman she can be. He just wants the sex I would be willing to bet.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> You plan here is not a good one AT ALL.
> 
> First:the OM probabably doesn't give a hoot about what you have to say. He's getting what he wants and it ain't a lifetime partner. So he'll likely just chuckle to himself.


Couldn't agree more.

FM, everything you need to do this properly is on your original thread. However, you need to set aside your attitude and defiant nature and start listening to people that have been through this. The folks here are schooled in what to do and know how to assist YOU in getting through this. You aren't. It's that simple. The sooner you get that through your head, the better.

Oh, I know what to do as well. I am _very_ schooled in infidelity. But I'll refrain from posting to you since I'm quite certain you'll confuse my abrasiveness towards you as bitterness about my own life.

If you drop your guard a little, and let people actually help you, you just might be surprised at the results and possible outcome.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. You're thinking you know your wife better than we do, so why should you listen to us. 

YOU'RE DEAD ASSED WRONG HERE.

In the state of mind your WW is _right now_, we know her better than you ever have.

Hope you start to get it soon.

Otherwise......


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

fredmila said:


> I am the one who started the 'should I inform my wife of her FOG situation?' but I have opened another thread to talk about the post-wife-kick-out event.
> 
> People have suggested that I dig out dirt on the OM and give it to my wife, but what if I do it the other way round? I have unsavoury information, about my wife that I could give the OM to put him off her during their 'blind love' stage. I am not saying what it is exactly as I do not want the thread to be deviated.
> 
> ...



*You need to forget about the other man . Nothing you say about him will matter to your wife. If you want to work on a relationship, let it be about you and your wife.*


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## StillLife (Jan 19, 2013)

Dammit, I wish I would have asked this question, but I have to add to a solid answer of NO! I made the mistake of contacting my wife's fantasy boyfriend and it didn't go well. The coward of course never responded, but I know the way she changed even more towards me afterwards that he had shared what I told him.

They'll just use it as an opportunity to see you as the pathetic villain, bringing them closer together. Plus, you think a guy who would seduce a married woman gives a damn about anyone or anything? They're in it for the ego boost, the high of seducing someone who shouldn't be available, and of course the sexual rewards. Trust me, it will do nothing but backfire...

By the way, I'm gathering from comments here that you may have alluded to some of the advice of posters here as being bitter here? Again, another mistake I made. I posted here after my wife's first affair and allowed myself to cling to the idea of reconciliation even against the warnings of people here. I thought oh, they're probably just a bit bitter and don't really know US. The sad thing is, they do! I've learned the posters here are experts at this stuff, because many have lived it and have seen so many stories with so many similarities. Listen to them man!


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

New thread title: How much time can I waste channeling negative karma?


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

Fredmila, 

Whatever you say to OM about your wife will come back to bite you in the azz!


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Agree with the others. It will end up backfiring on you. The OM does not care what you have to say nor will he believe it anyway. He's messing around with a married woman. Character means nothing to him. Not his and certainly not hers.


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## martyc47 (Oct 20, 2011)

I just don't get it at all. In the other thread you seemed like you didn't want to do anything good for fear of upsetting your wife, yet you are fine sharing what you characterize as highly personal shameful details about her with a stranger for no reason whatsoever?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Loyal Lover (Jan 30, 2013)

Do NOT do it.

The OM isn't your ally. Do NOT negotiate with the terrorist (the man terrorizing your marriage).

You don't have full control of the situation yet, especially between her and him. Doing this will be you giving up any control you have and any you may have obtained.

That and it will alienate your wife. It will give her more ammunition to 'justify her affair'.

She needs to want to end the affair on her own.

Besides, if he DID leave her because of that information (highly doubtful though, but hypothetically he may leave her because he's used her up and use that as an excuse) and she does return to you, how will you feel?

You'll feel as if you are her plan B. She didn't return to you because she made a mistake. She returned to you because the OM tossed her aside.

You WILL NOT get what you want out of this.


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## fredmila (Jan 24, 2012)

OK then, but remember I am now in an all out war, I am certainly going to fight for my wife. BTW the information is in official documents so he can check its veracity. I will hold fire on that front.

And to clarify, the information was about something that is likely to happen to him in the future, when the honeymoon period is over and he sees the reality of my wife. It is not something that she did outside the family home.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

fredmila said:


> OK then, but remember I am now in an all out war, I am certainly going to fight for my wife. BTW the information is in official documents so he can check its veracity. I will hold fire on that front.
> 
> And to clarify, the information was about something that is likely to happen to him in the future, when the honeymoon period is over and he sees the reality of my wife. It is not something that she did outside the family home.


You are going to fight for your wife by insulting her to another person?

Read that sentence to yourself and please tell me it sounds just as ridiculous to you. No, it doesn't matter if it is true.

If that doesn't make sense maybe this will:

fred: Hey, honey I love you stay with me. This is war!!! Oh by the way, I just gave the other man official documents about your shortcomings!


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## Kaya62003 (Jan 8, 2013)

fredmila said:


> I am the one who started the 'should I inform my wife of her FOG situation?' but I have opened another thread to talk about the post-wife-kick-out event.
> 
> People have suggested that I dig out dirt on the OM and give it to my wife, but what if I do it the other way round? I have unsavoury information, about my wife that I could give the OM to put him off her during their 'blind love' stage. I am not saying what it is exactly as I do not want the thread to be deviated.
> 
> ...


I think it might be counter-productive. And obviously this other man wants to keep those rose tinted blinders on...


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

fredmila said:


> I am the one who started the 'should I inform my wife of her FOG situation?' but I have opened another thread to talk about the post-wife-kick-out event.
> 
> People have suggested that I dig out dirt on the OM and give it to my wife, but what if I do it the other way round? I have unsavoury information, about my wife that I could give the OM to put him off her during their 'blind love' stage. I am not saying what it is exactly as I do not want the thread to be deviated.
> 
> ...


Noooooooooo. :scratchhead:

You need to follow the advice people have given you.

Where are these ideas coming from?

The OM is your enemy. You do not cut down your wife to make him not want her.

Fred. You really worry me. I truly hope you are pulling our legs here.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

(sniff, sniff)...anyone else smell that?


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

I don't think he's pulling our leg here. I think he's panicking and doesn't know how to deal with the situation. 

Fred, nothing good can come out of this. Kill this idea now.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> Ummm... No.
> 
> Oh... sorry how about...*Heck, No!*
> 
> ...


^^^^^^^^^^^ This!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

No don't do that. It just looks like you're trying to keep the OM from your wife because you're desperate to have her back, it'll make you look weak.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

The OM is irrelevant, he was just someone at the right place at the right time, it could have been anybody.

The OM didn’t do anything to you, your wife did. You are so angry and displacing that anger to everyone except the person that actually caused this. You are still in deep denial about who your wife really is.

I don’t blame you, I did the same thing for so long. I thought my wife was a “goody to shoes” (or whatever) and would never cheat in a million years. So when it happened I blamed myself and the OM because it just was so out of character of her. I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that she choose to do it on her own and nobody put a gun to her head. Blaming myself kept me from doing the right things for a long time.

One day you’ll take her off that pedestal and see she isn’t a great as you have idealized her to be and that you are not to blame for this mess you are in. Even the best marriages still have to deal with As.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I can understand passing in negative info about the OP to your partner. I have certainly done it as I want my partner to have a more blanaced view of this so called wonderful friend of his and to prevent to the extent possible that I am not criticised for things any more than for the same things that she has done. For example, my fiance thinks it's terrible that I said that I wanted nothing to do with her. Well, guess what there are text messages where she said the same thing about me. So who's worse here?
And so on,

but Fred, yes like the others here say, if you want to stay with this woman/your wife, it is not productive to tell others, particularly others who do not hold you in high esteem, information that will be passed back to your wife that will not do either of you any favors.

Also, have you thought of the possibility that your wife's AP might go around telling other people what you said about her....

and I have already noticed here, you don't want to go around having to always defend your decision to stay with her, so try to keep control of where you spread your business. And spreading it to the OM is not the way to do it.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Let him find out all on his own her faults. It's more fun that way when he gets the shock of his life what she's really like.


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## catholicman (Jan 3, 2013)

I want to thank all the posters to this thread. My wife was a serial cheater (seven men that she admits to). All these men live over 8,000 miles away so I have been unable to have a "frank discussion" with any of them. I have fanatisized about saying all kinds of things to them but have been prevented by distance/access. After reading these posts, I am inclined to stop thinking about what I would say to them. Thank you, they really are not worth my breath, and certainly not my energy or anguish.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

He'll learn all about her just as soon as she starts cheating on him.
MOVE ON!!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Yeah....here's some info you can give him....

1) Her vag sometimes smells like three-day old Spam....

2) She occasionally has to pluck the hair off the top of her ears....

3) She a first cousin to Camilla Parker Bowels...

4) She supported Bush in the 2004 election...

5) She once gave Motorhead's Lemmy a BJ.....


Just make stuff up.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

Your reasoning/bargaining/pleading with another man as to why he shouldn't take your "WIFE". What are you consumer reports?????


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

AlphaHalf said:


> Your reasoning/bargaining/pleading with another man as to why he shouldn't take your "WIFE". What are you consumer reports?????


Dude, I just blew iced tea out of my nose.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Yeah....here's some info you can give him....
> 
> 1) Her vag sometimes smells like three-day old Spam....
> 
> ...


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

Why do you want her back? 

With all that unsavory information, are you sure this is a war worth fighting?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

dymo said:


> Why do you want her back?
> 
> With all that unsavory information, are you sure this is a war worth fighting?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Just wait 'til she transforms on OM a la Fiona in Shrek:

Shrek and Fiona: The Greatest Fairy Tale Never Told - YouTube


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

fredmila said:


> I am the one who started the 'should I inform my wife of her FOG situation?' but I have opened another thread to talk about the post-wife-kick-out event.
> 
> People have suggested that I dig out dirt on the OM and give it to my wife, but what if I do it the other way round? I have unsavoury information, about my wife that I could give the OM to put him off her during their 'blind love' stage. I am not saying what it is exactly as I do not want the thread to be deviated.
> 
> ...


I suppose I'm stating the obvious that you specifically didn't ask for but seriously? He has dirt, she has dirt, let them get dirty together and let them crash and burn. She doesn't want your commitment to help her with her demons so let her have them. They are hers. And lose the co-dependence if you can because you will be much happier being with someone instead of fixing someone who doesn't want to be fixed.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

That will confirm you are absolutely pathetic and desperate.

He will probably feel sorry you, that or completely nauseated.


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## old_soldier (Jul 17, 2012)

To be honest with you, it's not worth the effort. Do you really think the OM really gives a rat's azz what you have to say? Even if you did share that information with him, he won't believe it. He'll laugh in your face and believe you are nothing more than a pathetic wimp. He is getting his piece of tail, nothing else matters to him. He is a dirtbag with no honour, no integrity; do you want to follow down that same path? I think not.

Face it man, she's gone. If she does come back, it is because you are the backup plan. Move on! Be the best father you can to your children, let them be your focus, you become the perfect role model of integrity, honour and duty to them.

Your STBXW is a trollop. Face it and let her go. I know it hurts right now, but it will get better for you.

Good luck to you.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

So Fred,

How did your wife react to your ultimatum? Is she still with you? Did she agree to NC?


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## HusbandX (Jul 13, 2012)

It sounds to me, that whatever documented information you have on your wife may be better used as evidence in your divorce/custody battle.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

I have question to you;
If your wife does not come back to you are you confident that you will find another women?


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## alphabravo (Feb 4, 2013)

Not new to this forum, just had to change my Username for other reasons....

But trust me, speaking from experience you are delusional. First, get it into your head that the woman you loved was an "image" of someone you loved. 

It was and could never have been true love because she had issues / needs / wants or whatever that she felt were not being met in the marriage and just didn't feel comfortable sharing them with you ( probably because she knew as well if you knew about how she really liked to have sex it would have disgusted you or whatever).

This should be enough for anyone to move on. But now you go the extra mile and STILL don't give up. Now you need to get even or do whatever just so you can hope that your life gets back to normal. 

Listen.....nothing you will ever do can turn back the clock and make your fake love life back to the way it was. It is now honest, she never loved you the way you thought and you simply deserve someone who loves you equally....not just how you want to love them.

Last point. Nobody, ever, can make another person love them. It has to be mutual, both ways, otherwise one person flips out and seeks the "exit" affair.


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