# New here! My story.



## foraloop (Oct 2, 2017)

I found out a little over a year ago that my partner was having an affair with a work colleague. She is six years younger, and it started when she was 20 and he was 26. I confronted him with a Snapchat she had sent to his phone saying "I love you too, baby." At first, he denied and acted like he had no idea why this woman would say such a thing. So, I pressed and he spilled the beans. I don't have all the details just yet, but have had trickle truths since DDAY. Their affair continues, and he is constantly in contact with her. She calls and texts him nonstop when he's here with me and the kids. Has known about me and the children since day one, but doesn't care. I've stumbled across pictures of the two of them together, smiling and completely oblivious to the destruction their affair has caused.


I went through a very hard time when I first found out. Didn't eat, didn't sleep, puked and gagged to the point of dry heaving... Unable to lift myself out of bed to properly care for my kids at first. I obsessed about who she was, how she looked, and how I compared to her. I reached out to her on social media and left a few having messages about how my world was turned upside down due to their affair. She blocked me. So, I searched for a twitter profile or something to grasp onto in my desperate state. I found her Twitter and read what she would post for days, even months. She named my WH in more than few posts, talking about how happy they were and how she wouldn't want it any other way. I was devastated, I clung to my WH. Searching for any ounce of hope he'd throw my way and clinging onto it desperately. Trying to convince him that our relationship would be different if he would just give her up. I'd point out the positives in our relationship, and tell him how much I loved him.


He continued his affair, getting closer and closer to the OW. And then one day, I decided to look for answers or people I could relate to online. I stumbled upon countless websites and numerous forums that gave me a look into my WH's world and a new perspective on long term relationships and affairs. I soaked up any and all information pertaining to infidelity like a sponge. After reading other peoples stories, delving deeper into the world of affairs I began to realize... This wasn't about me or what I WS lacking. They chose to have an affair for their own selfish reasons. And nothing I said or did would get through to them.
Him and his AP are still in hot pursuit of one another. But, I find comfort in the fact that what they have isn't "true love." It's merely based on fantasy, what ifs, believing in the notion of soulmates/destiny, and how the other person makes them feel. 


WS still lives at home. We were never married, but have lived together with our twin boys for the past 7 years in a marriage like relationship. I obviously still love my WS and I am hoping for reconciliation in the future. 

AP had been living with her best friend, and WS introduced his brother to AP to "try to get her to leave him alone" before their affair started. At least, that's what he told me. His brother ended up becoming attracted to AP's best friend so much so that he ended up moving in with them. Apparently, WS's brother, and now partner were not okay with the affair, and told my WS and AP that they would no longer tolerate it and kicked her out. AP is living in her Mother's basement. And WS goes over to spend the night with her "whenever their schedules permit." AP's mom knows that WS and I were together at the start of their relationship, but didn't have an issue with it because AP said we were breaking up.

I told WS' friends and family the truth about his affair months after discovering, due to my insecurities on rocking the boat and him leaving me. I disclosed to anyone who I felt would be able to really shed some light on what he's doing. His friends ended up seeming to be okay with his choices, as they've hung out with him and AP at the bar and in public. He lashed out at me each time I've told someone new. Saying "It's none of their business, you'll tell anyone who will listen! You want people to think I'm a bad person. They don't know why I did it! We're not even together anymore, so how is it still an affair?!" A week after discovery, and a lot if hysterical bonding, he told me we needed to "take a break" so that he could figure out what he wants. He asked the AP to be his gf, and here we are...

She wants to move in together, I've asked him about him moving out many times and each time I do he says things like "It doesn't feel right. It's hard looking for a new place. Well, I worry about how you'd hold up after I left." Plenty of excuses, and it truly doesn't seem that he wants to leave. He's told me in the past that he made a mistake cheating on me, that he's happy to have met me, that he wouldn't want anyone else to be the mother if his children all the while his affair continues. But, I have been naive in letting him have his cake and eat it too.

Our relationship is friendly. He shows me funny things on the internet, new music he think I'd like, and sometimes watches movies with me. There is no physical intimacy, though we do sleep in the same bed, and he asks for hugs randomly. Though, I did start sleeping on the couch very recently. He's said in the past that I'm still "important" to him. Each time he leaves to be with AP, he attempts to make conversation about our kids or things he knows I enjoy before heading out the door. As if he doesn't want to go, but I think it may be just guilt. 

I have been giving him the space he requested, but I notice that when I don't pay attention to him for extended periods he seeks me out. When I bring up my feelings about our past, or the affair we are able to have discussions about what went wrong and why he strayed. But, he seems to get pushed towards her afterwards. I don't text him or call him throughout the day, or have him on social media (AP told him to unfriend me.) But, I think that's made things easier in a way. There are small inklings towards regret/remorse at times, but he is still very much deep in the "fog."

Currently working on 180. Which, for me the first step is to not pursue. One step at a time, and trying my best to be patient with it all.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Unfriend, forget, "180," throw their a$$ out of the house and preferably under the bus, get to a lawyer and get custody of those kids ~ all in that particular order! 

You deserve far better out of life than that!*


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Your actions or rather lack of actions say you're Ok and accept this.

Do you?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Why haven't you kicked him out?
You say you soaked up info on affairs like a sponge. Clearly that didn't include advice about protecting yourself and kids from his affair partner.

You want to shake up his world? Let him go completely, get child support, work out a parenting plan, and only talk about child matters with him and nothing else. Let him be his AP's problem now. 

He has no love or respect for you. It's up to you to have some for yourself.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

He is cake eating.

You are the cake.
She is the icing.

But only Mon-Thu.

The rest of the days he switches the roles...in his horn dog mind.

As I see it..
As I see him...seeing it.
She is good enough for him to plow her field. But not to purchase the land.
He did not purchase yours' either...did he?

He is share cropping her beets.
He does not want to own her deed. Marry her.

He is using you...
And following suit with her...using her.

Till Cropping her. Turning her body and mind over and over again.
Until, he gets tired of her...or she him.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Contact the AP's mother. Tell her the truth.
Contact HR where the AP and your WS works.
File for divorce, demand CS. Kick him out.
Any friend or family member that supports the affair - is your enemy.
Get therapy.

Was there intamacy (sex) between you and your husband before the affair?

Go to gym, get in shape.

What do you want? So far, he's not trying to end the affair, far from it. And you're letting it happen... otherwise.

You might as well have the woman move in and pay some of the bills at this point. And get a boyfriend to take care of your needs.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

foraloop said:


> I found out a little over a year ago that my partner was having an affair with a work colleague. She is six years younger, and it started when she was 20 and he was 26. I confronted him with a Snapchat she had sent to his phone saying "I love you too, baby." At first, he denied and acted like he had no idea why this woman would say such a thing. So, I pressed and he spilled the beans. I don't have all the details just yet, but have had trickle truths since DDAY. Their affair continues, and he is constantly in contact with her. She calls and texts him nonstop when he's here with me and the kids. Has known about me and the children since day one, but doesn't care. I've stumbled across pictures of the two of them together, smiling and completely oblivious to the destruction their affair has caused.
> 
> 
> I went through a very hard time when I first found out. Didn't eat, didn't sleep, puked and gagged to the point of dry heaving... Unable to lift myself out of bed to properly care for my kids at first. I obsessed about who she was, how she looked, and how I compared to her. I reached out to her on social media and left a few having messages about how my world was turned upside down due to their affair. She blocked me. So, I searched for a twitter profile or something to grasp onto in my desperate state. I found her Twitter and read what she would post for days, even months. She named my WH in more than few posts, talking about how happy they were and how she wouldn't want it any other way. I was devastated, I clung to my WH. Searching for any ounce of hope he'd throw my way and clinging onto it desperately. Trying to convince him that our relationship would be different if he would just give her up. I'd point out the positives in our relationship, and tell him how much I loved him.
> ...


Bottom line, you have set absolutely no boundaries, why would he change anything when he has the best of both worlds. Cut out that s*** now. You may not be legally married but in most countries you would be considered 'common law' so you do have rights, go talk to a lawyer, get him kicked out and wake him up to the reality.
Why on earth are YOU sleeping on the couch; HE should be sleeping with the dog. Tell him you do not want him in the bedroom and to get the F out. Also pack his clothes and put them outside the door, tell him he is welcome to leave. At present you are making his life too comfortable, you are acting like a complete doormat with no self respect.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@foraloop Stop being patient.

See a lawyer to learn what your rights are and do get tested for STDs, no point in letting him put your health at risk.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

First of all, welcome to TAM, and I'm sorry for the reasons you find yourself here.

You are showing zero self worth. Allowing him to have the best of both worlds is nauseating. You need to read up on the 180, implement all of it, and tell him he has 24 hours to get his crap out of your house, and when he doesn't, lovingly set it out there in the yard in gorgeous garbage bags and change the locks. Same day, file for full custody and put in your claim for child support. Get in the best shape of your life and find a hot boy toy to play with. (It will be a very long time until you are qualified to be a good partner to anyone else, so no serious relationships for quite some time. 

It's time to get angry, and I mean VERY angry, HULK angry,


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He's got his family at home and her on the side. He's using you both. Why would he willingly stop? 

It's up to you to change the dynamic. Today.


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

None of this will change until YOU put a stop to it. Why should he? He's got the best of both worlds right now- the fantasy affair and a woman at home who will continue to allow this behavior because she'd rather be the side piece than the only piece. I'm sorry that is harsh, but I know no other way to put it. You are doing the "pick me" dance, and I can tell you, from experience, that never works. The only thing that ever works is by showing him you won't put up with his crap. You kick him out, file for child support, and tell him good luck with his mistress. Once you are no longer an option for him, that's the only point he will wonder if he made the right choice. And, truthfully, by that point, let's hope you have enough resolve to give him the proverbial middle finger. 

I support reconciliation in a lot of cases, but not in instances where the spouse and AP rub their affair in the faces of everyone they have hurt.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

You need to contact a family Lawyer yesterday. Assuming you live in the US...

Regardless of marriage of not you BF will be on the hook for Child Support until your twins reach 18. The only way he is not is if he can prove through a Paternity Test that he is not the father. If he is the father, he does have the right to file for some form of Custody, but in unwed relationships Mother is most often given primary custody if not 100%.


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## foraloop (Oct 2, 2017)

I know that some changes definitely need to be made. I absolutely can not let him take advantage of me while he runs off to be with her. I was interested in the 180 because I've grown accustomed to coping mechanisms surrounding his affair, and I wish to find the strength to detach from him emotionally. 


Everyone has very sane advice. Right now it's about me working on myself so that I am able to be confident enough to feel like I'll be okay when I kick him out. I'm a stay at home Mom right now, so I've been dependent on him to pay the bills... And I've let my feelings for him excuse his infidelity. 

I'm trying to break free, but it's a process for me to finally let him go.


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## foraloop (Oct 2, 2017)

I believe I'm transitioning from the shock/pain of the affair into the early stages of acceptance. It'll be a process, especially since there are a lot of residual feelings. But, I need to work towards independence. And stop letting him play me for a fool. 


At first, I didn't want to accept that I would have to cut him loose for my own sake, and was hopeful there would be encouragement towards letting him stay until he "realized what be stands to lose." But, the more advice I get from others who have been where I am now, the more I begin to realize how naive and complacent I've been with being a mere option. There's hope and then there's just bring downright foolish/unrealistic. I'm going to assess my options and move forward one way or another. I'm scared, and will admit I am very reluctant. But, I don't wish to be taken advantage of any longer.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

foraloop said:


> I believe I'm transitioning from the shock/pain of the affair into the early stages of acceptance. It'll be a process, especially since there are a lot of residual feelings. But, I need to work towards independence. And stop letting him play me for a fool.
> 
> 
> At first, I didn't want to accept that I would have to cut him loose for my own sake, and was hopeful there would be encouragement towards letting him stay until he "realized what be stands to lose." But, the more advice I get from others who have been where I am now, the more I begin to realize how naive and complacent I've been with being a mere option. There's hope and then there's just bring downright foolish/unrealistic. I'm going to assess my options and move forward one way or another. I'm scared, and will admit I am very reluctant. But, I don't wish to be taken advantage of any longer.


It is a scary time for you right now. Realizing that your life is not going the way you planned. That he is not being loyal at all to you and the kids. It sounds like you now know that you can't wait around while he has another girlfriend in his life and that one day he will come to his senses and realize what he is losing. He won't and right now it isn't going to happen. Your priority right now is your kids and yourself. You've been a stay at home Mom and getting back out there to support yourself is difficult but it can be done and you CAN do it. Start taking steps to remove yourself from his life, see a lawyer and go after him for child support and move on. You are not second best and should not be in any relationship. Let them have each other-they already do. You are going to be OK although it is going to be truly up and down for you for awhile. You are worth this and so much more and so are your kids!


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

foraloop said:


> I believe I'm transitioning from the shock/pain of the affair into the early stages of acceptance. It'll be a process, especially since there are a lot of residual feelings. But, I need to work towards independence. And stop letting him play me for a fool.
> 
> 
> At first, I didn't want to accept that I would have to cut him loose for my own sake, and was hopeful there would be encouragement towards letting him stay until he "realized what be stands to lose." But, the more advice I get from others who have been where I am now, the more I begin to realize how naive and complacent I've been with being a mere option. There's hope and then there's just bring downright foolish/unrealistic. I'm going to assess my options and move forward one way or another. I'm scared, and will admit I am very reluctant. But, I don't wish to be taken advantage of any longer.


There was a point for many of us, when we were just in so much despair we didn't really know what to do (limbo). Then, after a time, you start to build yourself up, you have friends who support you, or even strangers telling you that you deserve better... and you start to believe it, when all you ever heard at home was the opposite. When you were just constantly torn down.

You can't truly build yourself up until you detach, preferably in a form that means you're no longer living together. Staying in a toxic environment but detaching mentally only goes so far. It is a painful process but you seem to be on the right path to accepting that it must eventually happen.

You already feel like a single parent. You'd be surprised at how much more efficient your life can be when you remove the parts that cause you nothing but anxiety and anguish, i.e. the dead weight that is your STBX.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

foraloop said:


> I believe I'm transitioning from the shock/pain of the affair into the early stages of acceptance. It'll be a process, especially since there are a lot of residual feelings. But, I need to work towards independence. And stop letting him play me for a fool.
> 
> 
> At first, I didn't want to accept that I would have to cut him loose for my own sake, and was hopeful there would be encouragement towards letting him stay until he "realized what be stands to lose." But, the more advice I get from others who have been where I am now, the more I begin to realize how naive and complacent I've been with being a mere option. There's hope and then there's just bring downright foolish/unrealistic. I'm going to assess my options and move forward one way or another. I'm scared, and will admit I am very reluctant. But, I don't wish to be taken advantage of any longer.


First step is to consult an attorney. You may be defined as a "common law wife". This could offer financial protection for you and your children. Consult a lawyer NOW to determine your options.


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## foraloop (Oct 2, 2017)

Yes, at one point I was obsessed with trying to "nice" him back to be with our family again. But, that didn't work and it won't work in the future either...


Even thinking about the necessary steps I have to ultimately take is a tad overwhelming, but I'm confident that I'll get there. 

I know that moving on and letting go would be do much easier without him here being "nice" and sitting on the fence. I love him, but I don't deserve this at all.


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## foraloop (Oct 2, 2017)

*First step is to consult an attorney. You may be defined as a "common law wife". This*

Unfortunately, common law marriage is not recognized in the state of WI. I'm going to have to do a lot if digging within myself, and reaching out to people that care about me to determine the best course of action for me and the kids.


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## Bianca Stella (Sep 26, 2017)

foraloop said:


> I found out a little over a year ago that my partner was having an affair with a work colleague. She is six years younger, and it started when she was 20 and he was 26. I confronted him with a Snapchat she had sent to his phone saying "I love you too, baby." At first, he denied and acted like he had no idea why this woman would say such a thing. So, I pressed and he spilled the beans. I don't have all the details just yet, but have had trickle truths since DDAY. Their affair continues, and he is constantly in contact with her. She calls and texts him nonstop when he's here with me and the kids. Has known about me and the children since day one, but doesn't care. I've stumbled across pictures of the two of them together, smiling and completely oblivious to the destruction their affair has caused.
> 
> 
> I went through a very hard time when I first found out. Didn't eat, didn't sleep, puked and gagged to the point of dry heaving... Unable to lift myself out of bed to properly care for my kids at first. I obsessed about who she was, how she looked, and how I compared to her. I reached out to her on social media and left a few having messages about how my world was turned upside down due to their affair. She blocked me. So, I searched for a twitter profile or something to grasp onto in my desperate state. I found her Twitter and read what she would post for days, even months. She named my WH in more than few posts, talking about how happy they were and how she wouldn't want it any other way. I was devastated, I clung to my WH. Searching for any ounce of hope he'd throw my way and clinging onto it desperately. Trying to convince him that our relationship would be different if he would just give her up. I'd point out the positives in our relationship, and tell him how much I loved him.
> ...


 I am appalled by this thread. I seriously cannot believe you are putting up with this. You have no dignity... and guess what? He won't respect you ever. Get out. Go do whatever you can, please do not lose your dignity anymore! please don't do it. Do your 180... But if you were my friend I think I would've slapped you hard. You're eroding your soul!


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