# What does "in love" mean to you?



## justonelife

Hello all - To give you a very brief overview, my H and I have been together for 15 years, married for 8 years. We got together in high school. Started out as friends, grew to love and have been together ever since.

I've been struggling with wondering whether I've ever been "in love" with my husband and whether we have enough passion to keep going. I'm trying not to be unrealistic. I know those butterflies and infatuation don't last forever. But what does "in love" mean to you after you've been with someone for 10+ years? How can you tell the difference between long-term married love and I just happen to be living with a good friend-type love?

Do you still feel passion for your spouse? Attraction? Do you want to initiate physical contact? Do you look forward to seeing him/her? How do you know that your "infatuation" has matured vs. wondering if you never felt anything more than friendship all along?


----------



## DanF

Married 30 years and in love.
My wife and I did have a difficult period some time ago. Neither of us were working on our relationship and we both got quite complacent in keeping the fire lit.
After a brief struggle and both of us looking hard art ourselves and each other, we are helplessly in love with each other.

What does it mean and how does it show?
My heart skips a beat when she kisses me. I can't help but smile when she walks by me and brushes my arm. Her eyes sparkle when I tell her that I love her. She laughs at my stupid jokes.
We both go out of our way to do something nice for each other. That may be a simple as running her bath at night or turning down the covers for her. She will mow the lawn because she wasn't real busy for a couple of hours and knew that I had a rough day. She'll make my favorite dinner for no reason even though she doesn't really like it. I buy a bouquet of flowers while I'm out getting screws for the deck.

We both work hard at showing each other how much we appreciate each other.
Here's another tidbit; it's contagious.


----------



## Mom6547

DH and I were talking last night. In love is totally different now than it used to be. Many weeks we are tired, stressed with real life. I got very, very angry at him last weekend. It sure did not feel like in love.

But for us, in love is a more often feeling than otherwise. 

In love can feel like a warm blanket that keeps you safe. The four walls that will always shelter you. When you **** up, in love is confidence that you will be forgiven when you apologize sincerely. In love feels like it is safe to apologize, to admit when you've been a schmuck. (I have learned to be very good at this since my emotions can be volatile.)

In love can still feel like insane monkey lust. For US it does not translate so much into x number of times per week. Some weeks it is a bunch. Sometimes it is weeks between with nothing but pecks. Is there passion? Yes! But it is not the same rip your clothes off, I have to have you now passion. One time in six months might be earth shattering while the rest might be maintenance sex. 

Talking about passion, and not just sex. In love can mean DH phoning me on his way to the gym at his lunch break to tell me he is missing me. 

Sometimes true love feels like waiting for the other one to come back from whereever their mind has been. It means space and time to go be not fixated on passion. Confidence and faith that they will return in their good time.

In love feels like it is worth the effort to try to make the other understand where you are coming from even when the understanding divide seems huge. In love feels like trying really hard to understand where the other is coming from even when it really seems to you that they are just being an inconsiderate cad.

I guess for me in love feels more like a journey than a destination. Both a faith in the moment and a confidence that the long term will work so long as we keep the commitment to really being on the OTHER guy's side. 

It does not feel the same, but in a lot of ways I would say is better. Much harder, for sure. Early love is easy. And I do miss the sweep me off my feet feeling. But our common journey, our common successes and many of our common failures have built a bond. 

DH and I definitely did not start out as friends. Against all my relationship advice at the time, we hopped in the sack the night we met! I don't know if that impacts our "in love" feeling experience. Our ride has been a bumpy one with big hills and equally big valleys. The amplitude on our sine wave has settled a bit, thank god. So we were never "just" friends. But we have become very good friends. He is the only person in the world I can speak even my weirdest thoughts without fear.

I don't know if that answers your question.

Good luck!

S

PS Learning about love languages was a huge help in terms of "hearing" when he was trying to say I love you. (It always SOUNDED like demanding requests for sex to me.) It also helped both of us attempt to SPEAK the correct way. I will never ever feel like I am saying I love you with drive by head strokes. But he hears it, so I give it!


----------



## Mom6547

DanF said:


> We both work hard at showing each other how much we appreciate each other.
> Here's another tidbit; it's contagious.


Yah if you can GET there, if there is not too much resentment or whatever to get to the place where you can try to say I love you the way your spouse hears, apologize sincerely for **** ups, stop expecting the bad and start seeing the good, the ball starts to roll more easily on its own. 

But it is SOOOO easy to get stuck in a rut where gravity is rolling the ball down the resentment, anger and blame hill. I remember that hill. I hated that hill.

I wish I had a really specific game plan for how to get the ball over to the other side of the hill. I would write marriage books and become a millionaire!


----------



## mentallydrained

Wow...this is so dead on me and my H. I'm 40 he's 51. Together 18yrs, married 12 of them. Best of friends, connected at the hip, did nothing apart. Always together wether with other group of friends or not. Did our own thing, didn't need other friends. Have one daughter together. Now, last year or two, we struggle to have all the above connections I've explained that we had when I was 27 him 38. I love him, hate he is hurting as I have no sexual drive toward him. He is very good looking, never abusive, not lazy by any means when comes to work or house work. But I've lost myself along the way. Miss having 'fun' girly fun. Miss people my age era if that makes any sense at all. He is happy and content with the 3 of us in our own world doing our own thing. He's stated I'm enough for him, he needs nothing else. I cannot say the same back anymore. He has no family close, sold his house he grew up in to buy the one we have now 2 years ago. That itself kills me with guilt. I think if didn't move at least he'd have his home and I wouldn't have that guilt on me. Now, nothing. I feel I came into marriage with nothing, if decide to leave, leave with nothing. So, for me, I feel we (I) am not IN Love. No butterflies, no earth shattering, monkey love as vthomeschool mom puts it. I do miss that. Feel over years I've grown and matured. H was already grown matured and established when married me. Tells me if I made mistake, just admit and we will move on. I don't view him as mistake at all. We've been through a lot together. Lost a child together, our fathers together, those are emotional and sacred moments in life we helped each other through. Not mistakes. The guilt eats me at how much he loves me, tells me, how he hurts, and I cannot give back in return. Feel lately I use excuse as my age, depression, etc. People tell us I need medication and it may get better. As of today, feel just a bandaid. Sorry to ramble on about me. I do believe vthomeschool hit most of all the high points of being IN love. For me, how do you get past guilt of knowing the person you were IN love with, best friends with is hurting and you can reciprocate to help them feel better. How do you move on?


----------



## greenpearl

My husband and I have been together for seven years, when I see him, my heart just bounces with joy. I come home from a tiring day, seeing my husband at the end of the day just gives me the tranquility feeling. We go shopping together, we take walks together, we take a ride to the mountains together, we do everything together, just feel sweet being around each other. 

Feel so sweet to have a life partner like this!!!


----------



## DanF

vthomeschoolmom said:


> Yah if you can GET there, if there is not too much resentment or whatever to get to the place where you can try to say I love you the way your spouse hears, apologize sincerely for **** ups, stop expecting the bad and start seeing the good, the ball starts to roll more easily on its own.


*You* can get there, you can't do anything about your partner's attitude or thinking.


vthomeschoolmom said:


> But it is SOOOO easy to get stuck in a rut where gravity is rolling the ball down the resentment, anger and blame hill. I remember that hill. I hated that hill.


It's much easier (I think) to let everything go to Hell and give up. It is hard to make a marriage work. Relationships between to people are not easy, hence the divorce rate we have.
People want instant gratification and bliss without having to work for it.



vthomeschoolmom said:


> I wish I had a really specific game plan for how to get the ball over to the other side of the hill. I would write marriage books and become a millionaire!


Everyone is different, every couple is different.
Reading your post, I get the feeling that you struggled or are struggling in a relationship looking for that magic word, phrase, gift, etc, to make it all better.
It's not out there...


----------



## greeneyeddolphin

I think in love, like anything else is different for every couple. For us, in love is being able to spend 6 hours on the phone (he's an otr truck driver) talking nonstop without realizing it's been 6 hours until the phones and headsets start dying. It's counting the weeks, days, hours, and then minutes until we are together again, and cherishing our time together. It's encouraging each other to follow our dreams and passions. It's considering moving to places we never thought we'd ever consider living (like Kansas!). 

It's biting tongues when you irritate each other because you know it's not intentional, or you know you have PMS, or you know he's having a bad day. It's somehow knowing that even though he just walked away because he's mad at you (or vice versa), he'll be back because he'd never leave you. 

Sometimes in love and living with a good friend type love are indistinguishable. And I don't know that that's such a bad thing, necessarily. After all, the best relationships, the best love, is usually built on a foundation of solid friendship, so if you didn't feel he was a good friend, or even your best friend, then perhaps that would be a sign that there was something to worry about.


----------



## Mom6547

DanF said:


> *You* can get there, you can't do anything about your partner's attitude or thinking.


True in the final analysis. But actions have reactions. Sometimes a shift from one partner can get the ball rolling.



> It's much easier (I think) to let everything go to Hell and give up. It is hard to make a marriage work. Relationships between to people are not easy, hence the divorce rate we have.
> People want instant gratification and bliss without having to work for it.


I am not 100% convinced that is the case. I am not convinced that the problem is that people are lazy or don't care or don't want to work at it. I don't think people know HOW.

We are told to communicate. That means TALKING about what we want, what we need, etc.. But often we don't think enough about how we LISTEN. 

I think we focus really hard on getting our OWN needs met that we have a hard time meeting the other person's needs. I think we think of it as a negotiate. I tell you what I need, you do that. You tell me what I need, I do that.

It is more and different than that in my experience. I need to be thinking HARDER about meeting your needs than mine. I need to risk losing my own needs, losing sight of my needs in the process of looking out for yours. The HOPE is that that will engender reciprocity. But lord knows some people will take advantage.




> Everyone is different, every couple is different.
> Reading your post, I get the feeling that you struggled or are struggling in a relationship looking for that magic word, phrase, gift, etc, to make it all better.
> It's not out there...


Not at all. I am looking for a way to express the change that occurred between back in the day when DH and I had many of the same issues I read on here and now when things are going very, very well.


----------



## AFEH

vthomeschoolmom said:


> Yah if you can GET there, if there is not too much resentment or whatever to get to the place where you can try to say I love you the way your spouse hears, apologize sincerely for **** ups, stop expecting the bad and start seeing the good, the ball starts to roll more easily on its own.
> 
> But it is SOOOO easy to get stuck in a rut where gravity is rolling the ball down the resentment, anger and blame hill. I remember that hill. I hated that hill.
> 
> I wish I had a really specific game plan for how to get the ball over to the other side of the hill. I would write marriage books and become a millionaire!


You cleanse yourself of resentment by forgiving. My motto was if I can’t forgive I wont stay. After 42 years something happened I couldn’t forgive. I didn’t stay.

The reason I didn’t stay? My wife’s built up resentment of me. Her "gunnysack of resentment" and all she used it for. Beware of that resentment. It can really bite you back.

I see resentment as persecution for offences from long times passed. Problem is the person, your spouse, who is being persecuted turns into the persecutor. There is no reason why a man should serve such a life sentence. Sometimes he gets out, like me, of that life sentence by leaving and sometimes they never go back under any circumstances. No matter how much "in love" they are/were.

Bob


----------



## Mom6547

AFEH said:


> I see resentment as persecution for offences from long times passed. Problem is the person, your spouse, who is being persecuted turns into the persecutor. There is no reason why a man should serve such a life sentence.


Sure... unless there was never any sincere repentance or remedy and amends. 

Some people can't forgive. Some people can't apologize. They are both toxic.


----------



## Teach Me

Same girl for 26 years, married 18! Seen it all! No matter what you feel, if you "love" him, your "in love" with him.... Trust me, when things get shaken up, you will grab the closest thing you love the most, and that will be him..
Now, your in a Rut, Ruts happen, use this Rut to grow together again.... 
Most importantly, and I cant say this enough, if your husband has no idea what your feeling right now, if he did, you may see those sparks come back as he will be shocked to know that the relationship has become complacent! 
Share with him what you feel, and see results! If you keep this bottled up from fear of protecting his feelings, you are cutting yourself short! Sometimes marriages, need to be shooking up from time to time, its natural.... 
Now shake it up a bit and see what happens! He may be feeling the same way!


----------



## F-102

The W and I have been married 12 yrs. as of yesterday (WOOT!), and I guess "in love" is in the eye of the beholder. But for me, I know I'm still in love because:
We're still best buds
She's still as beautiful as the day we first met
I still look at her for no reason and know that I am damn lucky to have her
We still give each other a hug and kiss when we first come home and when we leave
We still say "I love you", even when we don't like each other at that particular time
I see other attractive women, and remind myself that none of them could give me what the W does
My favorite time of day is when I come home at say, 2 or 3 a.m., and I look forward to crawling in bed with her and just holding her
And even when your in a rut, you both have the faith to know it will be alright
I think about her all day
I would never do something dumb because to see her cry and know that I caused it would be a fate worse than death
And, again, knowing that I'm damn lucky to have her.


----------



## arrowhead74

I have always felt that love is more of an action than a feeling. It's a conscious effort to show that person you care about them. I have been with my bf for 10 yrs now. We are closer now than ever. We are best friends. I still look forward to the time we can spend together. Maybe if you try some new activities together, or break out some old ones you haven't done in awhile. The novelty of it might spark something. We go hiking in the woods and the serenity of it is like we're in our own little world. You need to find a way to connect. It's in that disconnect we forget ourselves and why we fell in love in the first place. Find a reason to laugh together. I laugh at all his stupid jokes and he at mine. Our little inside jokes that only we think are funny. Sex can go a long way in bridging the gap. It releases the hormone oxytocin that encourages bonding type feelings.


----------



## AFEH

Well I was “in love” for 40 years with the same woman. I’m not in love now so what’s the difference?

I certainly think that something has left the inside of me. It’s like my wife is not inside of me anymore. It’s obviously not physical so it must be feelings. I’ve lost that feeling that I’ll do anything for her, that I’m always there for her and I’ll always help and support her in times of illness and sadness. I’ve lost that feeling that I’m here to protect her no matter what happens. I’ve lost that feeling that I want to provide for her and to buy her gifts. I’ve lost that feeling that I’ll be patient, tolerant and compassionate with her no matter how difficult she may be at times. I’ve lost the feeling of jealously should she be with another man. That’s a massive sign for me that I’m no longer in love. I’ve lost the feeling that I want to provide her with comfort and security. I lost my desire for my wife.

So I guess me being in love was having all those feelings for my wife and they were right there inside of me.

Bob


----------



## MsLonely

I think I always love my husband but not always "in love" with him. For me, "in love" means it involves certain level of passion and sexual desire for a man. In fact, we all love but not "in love", for example, love our parents, love our pets and love our friends. We're not in love with them as we don't have sexual desire for them. There's just a difference between love and in love- the chemistry.
At this moment, I'm working on falling back "in love" with my husband. The target is to feel the chemistry again, feeling horny for him, and desiring him to screw my brains off madly. Although I always love my husband as family love, for some years I hadn't been in love with him but with my emotional affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Xander

"In love" usually means "passionate," which is not the same as intimate. In fact, a lot of the science going into this question suggests that what motivates passion is actually different that what motivates intimacy and commitment.

I notice that most of the responses on here share a lot of touching stories about intimacy and commitment, shared experience and gratitude. Everyone should be thankful to have that.

But that's not what you mean by "in love." What you mean by "in love" is a raging, consuming, heart-flutter-inducing crush. The kind of passionate that would make for mind-blowing hotel sex, e.g.

I'm worried you're asking this question because you've developed a crush on a co-worker or some other man. If that's the case, then you need to find a way to get your H to court / date you in a new way. The idea is to take you out of what you know and have you experience the same man in a new way. If you guys can pull it off, you'll be jumping each other's bones a lot more.

Good luck!


----------



## Nickj

I don't think so that love happen in first site look. In first site there was only attraction nothing else. When two persons come close and going to know each other, when the happiness of that person is more important for us rather than our own happiness, when our heat says that ya I wanna spend my whole life with this person, when we do anything for the happiness of that person than that is love. Love which doesn't demand anything but a happiness of that person whether he/she love us or not. That is love.... or that is true love...


----------



## xayuk

I think in love means that you still long to be with your husband/wife for anytime possible, looking forward to good times together. We have been married for 19 years and the most important time of day is when he comes home from work or better still weekends. We still share everything good or bad. he tells me everyday that he loves me and I vice versa and that is still very important to both of us! My heart still misses a beat when I see my husband and he is still as attractive as ever!


----------



## unbelievable

"In love" to me, means you care more about your partner's happiness than your own.


----------



## Anonny123

Love to me used to mean - not being able to wait to come home to your partner, doing things together that make you happy, understanding your partners needs and doing your best to fulfill them, communicating w/ words...


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Xander said:


> you're asking this question because you've developed a crush on a co-worker or some other man. If that's the case, then you need to find a way to get your H to court / date you in a new way. The idea is to take you out of what you know and have you experience the same man in a new way. If you guys can pull it off, you'll be jumping each other's bones a lot more.


If this above quote *IS* True, I highly recommend this book for you -- Amazon.com: Kosher Adultery: Seduce and Sin With Your Spouse (9781580627924): Shmuley Boteach: Books

It is all about REVIVING the Passion with your husband/wife, if indeed it was there at one time & has gotten lost along the years. 

I agree that *LOVE is *when you care more about your partners happiness than your own, this = true Commitment & genuine LOVE in action, this is selfless, beautiful. 

But this "IN LOVE" feeling, to have this for our spouse, oh how important this is !!! I personally feel every marraige should have some measure of this - these "*IN LOVE*" feelings as Xander describes >>> that "raging, consuming, heart-flutter-inducing crush. The kind of passionate that would make for mind-blowing hotel sex". If this has been totally lost and being questioned if ever it was, if no hope for it to resurface again, while one of you are feeling desperate for it , hungering for it , this is something that NEEDS attention- and now !!! 

Seek to dig up these healthy passionate roots you began your life with, what brought you together & replant them , each watering each other every day , or we as thirsty humans may go looking for it in someone else's garden. 


"IN LOVE" for me is ~~ desiring always to be together, looking forward to when he/she walks through the door, craving each other's touch, reminiscing all the wonderful memories spent together while having high hopes for more of the same as you grow old together.


----------



## southbound

emotionalwreck said:


> Wow...this is so dead on me and my H. I'm 40 he's 51. Together 18yrs, married 12 of them. Best of friends, connected at the hip, did nothing apart. Always together wether with other group of friends or not. Did our own thing, didn't need other friends. Have one daughter together. Now, last year or two, we struggle to have all the above connections I've explained that we had when I was 27 him 38. I love him, hate he is hurting as I have no sexual drive toward him. He is very good looking, never abusive, not lazy by any means when comes to work or house work. But I've lost myself along the way. Miss having 'fun' girly fun. Miss people my age era if that makes any sense at all. He is happy and content with the 3 of us in our own world doing our own thing. He's stated I'm enough for him, he needs nothing else. I cannot say the same back anymore. He has no family close, sold his house he grew up in to buy the one we have now 2 years ago. That itself kills me with guilt. I think if didn't move at least he'd have his home and I wouldn't have that guilt on me. Now, nothing. I feel I came into marriage with nothing, if decide to leave, leave with nothing. So, for me, I feel we (I) am not IN Love. No butterflies, no earth shattering, monkey love as vthomeschool mom puts it. I do miss that. Feel over years I've grown and matured. H was already grown matured and established when married me. Tells me if I made mistake, just admit and we will move on. I don't view him as mistake at all. We've been through a lot together. Lost a child together, our fathers together, those are emotional and sacred moments in life we helped each other through. Not mistakes. The guilt eats me at how much he loves me, tells me, how he hurts, and I cannot give back in return. Feel lately I use excuse as my age, depression, etc. People tell us I need medication and it may get better. As of today, feel just a bandaid. Sorry to ramble on about me. I do believe vthomeschool hit most of all the high points of being IN love. For me, how do you get past guilt of knowing the person you were IN love with, best friends with is hurting and you can reciprocate to help them feel better. How do you move on?


I think I'm in a similar situation with my wife. A lot of people here feel that a marriage takes work, so, if your husband decided to get more active and such again, would that change things?


----------



## Amplexor

justonelife said:


> I've been struggling with wondering whether I've ever been "in love" with my husband and whether we have enough passion to keep going. I'm trying not to be unrealistic. I know those butterflies and infatuation don't last forever. But what does "in love" mean to you after you've been with someone for 10+ years? How can you tell the difference between long-term married love and I just happen to be living with a good friend-type love?


There are different kinds of love a relationship moves in and out of. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/3991-five-kinds-love.html


----------



## marco100

justonelife said:


> Hello all - To give you a very brief overview, my H and I have been together for 15 years, married for 8 years. We got together in high school. Started out as friends, grew to love and have been together ever since.
> 
> I've been struggling with wondering whether I've ever been "in love" with my husband and whether we have enough passion to keep going. I'm trying not to be unrealistic. I know those butterflies and infatuation don't last forever. But what does "in love" mean to you after you've been with someone for 10+ years? How can you tell the difference between long-term married love and I just happen to be living with a good friend-type love?
> 
> Do you still feel passion for your spouse? Attraction? Do you want to initiate physical contact? Do you look forward to seeing him/her? How do you know that your "infatuation" has matured vs. wondering if you never felt anything more than friendship all along?


Frankly it doesn't really sound like you've ever been emotionally "all in" to your marriage, ever. (If you had, you wouldn't be asking this question.) He's probably completely clueless about your lack of love for him and probably always has been.

You have the choice to amp up your emotional connection to your h and make it really being "in love," if you want to. You're in your early/mid 30's, maybe had a child or two, and now you're getting restless. You want to see what else is out there, the grass is greener, etc., and aiming to lay that at your clueless h's feet--"I love you but I'm not in love with you."

Please, cast that b.s. aside.

If you don't feel "in love" with your husband, after all this time, that's 100% your fault.

You can change it if you want to.

Do you want to?


----------



## JohnMav

"In Love" can define in many different terms... it is really depending on the age you are talking about this term!

When you are young, "in love" means .. when you see your love ones, your heart beat will go up, you will shake, and just excited every moment to be with that special person.

When you grow older, "in love" means.. you want to share all the good things with that person, you want to see that person, and you just want to have that person... this person will always in your mind.. you just want to spend the rest of the life with that person

When you grow older, "in love" means.. you will argue with this person, you will mad at this person, but you still want to be with this person no matter what happen!

At the end ... "in love" is meaning that someone in your life that go through all the happiness, sadness, bitterness, and etc with you.. which the last moment in your life.. you will still think of this person as an important person in your life!


----------



## MsLonely

Sex is the key to be in love.


----------



## reachingshore

I have these surges of emotion sometimes, that I actually physically feel as a "pull" on my solar plexus. Kinda like a I-am-holding-my-breath elation. Not related to sex or sex situations at all.


----------



## RandomDude

Love is a principle, a choice...
"In love" is a feeling, an emotion...

Meh I dunno


----------



## remmons

This is a very good question. This has bugged me for a few years until my wife and I had started marriage counseling just within the last three weeks.

My wife and I have been married for the last five years. My wife use to tell me that she loved me, and that she was "in love" with me. I was blind or naive as to the separation of the two, until within the last few weeks. She hasn't said either that much for a while now. It wasn't until a session with the marriage counselor that it finally hit me that there WAS a difference!

It is like determining the power of an engine's output. There is Horse Power, and there is Torque. The "I love you" is the equivalent of Horse Power, and the "In love" is equivalent to the Torque. Horse power is the power to get you off the line, torque is what keeps it going strong.

I remember being "in love" with my wife in the beginning, but I had lost focus of this feeling. Life went on. I got into a rut. Now, after counseling, I am feeling the "in love" part again. I cannot believe that I had lost this feeling! Where was my head at! The feeling is so strong, I want to share the rest of my life with my wife.

Being in love is a wonderful feeling. I do not to ever lose that feeling again.


----------



## remmons

My wife had asked me "what took you so long?" I simply replied to her "I did not know what it was then, but now I do. I can differentiate from "love" and being "in love".

I am so much in love with my wife.


----------



## priyaviv45

Danf i really liked your post...It is something i found true from your heart...n its just amazing experience you have shared...


----------



## Threetimesalady

I wouldn't know where to start and couldn't find a place to end...It's too big for words and brings tears to my eyes thinking of it...He is the person who completes me...Without him I am nothing...I think this is the word for love...


----------

