# Is it over?



## chasing_rainbows (Apr 3, 2012)

My first post, so should probably give a little background. Married 13 years. We've always talked ALOT through the day in our marriage and are very close, always have been and still are, to an extent. I've always known that he was cheated on way before we met so I know he is aware of the pain it creates. We’ve always said “just tell me if you’re done” because neither of us want to feel that pain. (my Dad cheated when I was a teenager) I stayed at home with kids at first and went back to work when finances made it necessary. I worked for 6 years at a corporate job that took over our lives during which he accused me of staying late on purpose, scheduling certain males to work with me and insinuating more than friendship with my mgmt peers. I was always on call, worked weekends, required late shifts even as the "boss". I quit 4 years ago with 1 month notice to finish training my replacement. I saw the toll my job was taking on my family and we made the choice that I'd quit and take the 50% pay cut, work PT, for the sake of our family. Also, the first 12 years I was accused on several occasions of trying to go out with my BFF to dinner/drinks without him. On one night, he thought I left out that her brother was going on purpose, even though I learned he was coming (with his fiancee, mind you!) the day of our planned GTG. I ended up staying home because of the argument that followed. I skipped many outings with my friend as a result of the accusations. Forward to today, I've been a work at home Mom for 4 years. I take/pickup the kids each day so that I can be with them after having so much time away when I was working. I have in this time lost my identity in the marriage because I didn't ever want to be "not present" like before. I revolve my schedule around his. He never has to worry about the bills being paid, groceries being bought, etc. No job is EVER worth the health and happiness of our family, but now the roles have reversed. 

He started working 4+ years ago for a large company and there are a few young girls working there in related depts. At times they need to hire models for advertising purposes and have instead used these employees to “save money” in the budget. He plans these photo shoots and on repeated occasions details of who/when have been modified when sharing with me. We’re using a “Mom” type today, or “just a guy today” when in fact, it’s a 20ish blonde in short shorts and a bikini top/tank top. Countless times, he’s told me different variations of which of the girls from the office were the models, or not all, later to get the details of who really went. My question is why these details come out it bits and pieces. They are leaving the office for hours at a time and I’m only getting part of the story. 

Now the age old story of men from the office going to a certain “wing” place for lunch is a repeated topic of discussion. No big deal, you go to lunch, check out the eye candy, go back to work. The question is whether I should be upset with the fact that at one of these lunches, his boss solicited a waitress to be their “model” wherein she sent tiny bikini pics to them at work to, I guess, secure the position of model? FYI, their company does not sell apparel, water skiing equipment, beach towels are any other item that warrants the need for a string bikini picture. My husband didn’t start that ball rolling, but he adamantly lied about how they “hired” her. And he adamantly lied about ever going there or taking pictures with 2 ladies in their Halloween costumes.
Crazy deadline/schedules randomly weren't a surprise before. Now everything is rush, last minute push, etc. Too much to do, no time and no help. He's been challenged with the contract help he's got, for sure, I've seen it. They got resumes from a local trade college for new hires and the new girl hired, who has since been used as a model. She quote “didn’t know how to do some of the basic skills”. This comment was later denied. And so here we are today where I get the daily 11am check in call, about 4 minutes long, so he can head out for the 1.5 lunch with the gang from work. I know, there needs to be some time to unplug, but if I don’t pick his call up on the first try, there’s a rash of guilt I get for not taking his call. If I’m in class and have to wait more than an hour to return the call, there will be a second message, text, AND email wondering what I’m up to and what’s going on/what’s wrong. 

The job for him will never get better, they can’t find qualified help and he says he can’t keep up the hectic pace forever. He says he’ll get his work together to look for another job. He goes in early and stays a little late often. Suffice it to say I am a computer savvy person and am aware that throughout the day, there are internet pictures of women(nothing nasty, lingerie type) being downloaded before, during and after company time. This is time, I think, that could be used to compile work samples for a job search if someone was really sincere about wanting to find a better work situation.

During a rush before a meeting, I was told he only had time for a coffee break with me, but later saw that he went out for lunch with coworkers then met me for the coffee. I’ve also been told that there “was no service” to let me know he’s on his way home, but had data usage at the same time to download pictures.

This may have been a bit of a run on/ramble, but I just wanted to get some input on why I’ve been held under such a microscope throughout this marriage. Now, I do not hold myself without fault in stepping over the line (nothing illegal) in verifying my suspicions, but when you tell someone “just let me know you’re done”, then say it. Don’t string someone along hoping that there’s something still there that you’re willing to fight for. The more I type and put just this small bit of a timeline together, the more I see a red flag waving in my face. Anyone??


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I'm sorry you are having to go through this. I don't have a lot of advice, but something sounds "off" to me. You may want to do more investigating. I'm wondering if your husband may be "baiting" the women with a chance to model. They, in turn, do things for him. My estranged husband essentially did this with his Sugar Daddy routine.

Is your husband distant when you are together? That's what ultimately told me our marriage was over. When we were together I felt as though I didn't even exist in his eyes.

Hope you find answers.


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## chasing_rainbows (Apr 3, 2012)

Well, I've actually seen that girl's photos from a couple of shoots and they're on printed material. He tried to put a more modest pic of her in a swimsuit/coverup on one ad, but the boss told him to change it to the more revealing bikini pic. I just think his boss is hot for her and my husband was more committed to covering his/his boss' arse than being honest even though I've asked for honesty. I'd rather know, I told him I'd probably be torqued, but wouldn't be near as mad if I wasn't kept in the dark. He's told me about some of the sleazy comments that the guys have made about that girl and the coworkers. There's just so many instances of sketchy stories and not having phone service. In the past, He told a female peer from a company they use for ads that he "missed their chats and hanging out with her, that they should get together and have lunch." He's so contradicting, sometimes he's open and other times he's downright deceptive. The up and down just wears me out. Once he's home for the weekend, he's with us, engaged and the affectionate, loving man I know. I dread Mondays because his disconnect starts again. He's not distant when he's home, but certainly cryptic about his day. If I get a text/email/phone call around him, he always asks "what's your boyfriend want?". I've told him about my issues with not being forthcoming with all the details. And I've been told I can't go to lunch with male classmates (hadn't planned on it, but even so). I'm held to a very different standard for some reason.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Why not just put it on the table to him, in very real, serious terms, with all your concerns, and ask him flat-out if he wants to work at it -- or not. Be prepared to work on your half, too, and to tell him so -- but also be rigid insisting you will not do it alone.


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## chasing_rainbows (Apr 3, 2012)

2xloser said:


> Why not just put it on the table to him, in very real, serious terms, with all your concerns, and ask him flat-out if he wants to work at it -- or not. Be prepared to work on your half, too, and to tell him so -- but also be rigid insisting you will not do it alone.


I have brought this up every time and he says "I'll do better for you". We all make mistakes, for sure, I know I do, too. But they keep happening. I asked him yesterday if he'd go to MC together, individual, whatever and he said (apathetically) "That's fine, but it goes both ways". I don't doubt that at all, but it was a half hearted agreement to go. It was a let down for sure. He's always been a "deflector" when I talk to him. He gets defensive when I calmly tell him what hurt my feelings. Turns it right back on me and what I did (like take everything as a personal attack). To me, that's how someone reacts when you've touched on some truth in your questions. It's got to the point of being afraid to speak my mind because of the pushback. 
Because of recent events, I spoke to him one last time last night. I told myself that it's the last time I mention when I see things that are not making sense and from this point I have to decide what my path will be. He said he isn't sure how I've gotten to the point of being afraid to talk to him and that he will make an effort to take the time to put work samples together for a job search. He admitted that he's feeling overwhelmed and feels like he can't do it all, but failure isn't an option. I'm putting my faith in what he says about looking for a less stressful job and that he wants to go to MC, etc. After that, if there's no change or effort, I'll have to make some choices.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

You're a better person than me, if you are believing your gut about what he's doing as it relates to an EA/PA or "flings" with these models... but your gut tells you that you're being mis-led, and imho, those gut reactions are almost always right and point to real things, proof or no proof. To me, once that trust is lost, you've got an uphill battle at best. And when you say you're putting your faith in ANYthing about him, I wonder if you've got one foot out the door already because you already do not trust him and aren't really discussing and working on that part.

I can tell you this: I am the BS but I can relate to the workaholic aspect and pressure he has. But if my wife had spelled out clearly that it was job or her, no bullsh*t the job would have gone and we'd have figured something out. But once she cheated, the job was staying and she could go. My point being, if you do really love him still, but it is to the point of big life-changing decisions, you are better off addressing it now with real consquence discussion so that you can look back and not ask yourself "what if?" later on and wish you had... just my $0.02


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