# Please give me some advice



## WendyBee (Dec 15, 2017)

My husband and I have been married 18 months and been together for 3 and 1/2 years in total. We have a big age gap. I am 22 and he is 45.

Our relationship started off really messy. He was still legally married (but had been separated for a number of years). However I believed their marriage to be over but I didn't realise he had still been seeing her and vice versa over the course of the years. They were still trying to work it out. 
When she found out about us, she was not happy and refused to let him come around anymore. He told me he wanted to see his kids and asked for some space. However we were still seeing and talking and sleeping together. Acting like we were still together. 
During this time I found out he slept with her. He said it was to see his kids and it only happened once. I have a feeling it was more than once. I only found out 18 months after. I nearly left. I was so hurt. But decided to stay as I had fought so many people and wanted us to work.

Almost no one has supported us throughout our relationship. At first I saw it as romantic. Us being against the world etc. my parents were not happy and I was essentially kicked out and moved in with him. They did come around as they missed me. 

Soon after I found out what he'd done, he proposed to me. I said yes. 

We got married 6 months later.

A few months ago, I realised how unhappy I was. Our sex life was messed up. He would enjoy reenacting the times I was raped (I am a sexual abuse survivor), he would often take his anger out on me through sex. I felt like I was the child and he made me feel like I was crazy and didn't make sense. He belittled my feelings. He has pushed me before. Never made any marks. But I am definitely afraid of him. 
He gets jealous of male friends and me going out etc.

At the time I thought it was ok. Didn't think I deserved anyone else and he can be sweet and supportive which makes it all confusing. I feel like he can change so quickly and I don't know who he really is!

I am not innocent though. I did also sleep with someone else a few months ago over some drinks and being unhappy etc. I'm not justifying what I did but I think it was me feeling trapped. 

Anyway we have been living apart since then but trying to work it out. Been to couples therapy. 

I just struggle to believe he will change. I think I've always had trust issues with him since I found out what he did. And of course now I did what he did, his jealousy and control has gotten a lot worse.

Sometimes I want to leave. Cut it all off. But he makes it hard as whenever we decide that he will come back and apologise and make promises and he sweet etc. 

I know marriages are up and down but is it meant to be this hard? 
He wants me to move back in full time and also talking about having a kid. I do not feel ready or want that right now. I'm still so young. 

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks for reading my ramble.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Nobody can help you. Your people all told you not to get involved with A 45 year old man that's not even divorced at the time.

He reenacts your rape? Takes anger out on you during sex?
You cheated on him?

This "relationship" is so screwed up, it's hard to tell which person is more broken.

I personally think you need to divorce, seek therapy, and stay away from all men for a couple of years until you get your head in straight.

Neither of you at this time are marriage material.
Wish I could give you advice on how to fix this, but I don't think it should be. Let it die.


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## Fishnbuddy (Sep 3, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> Nobody can help you. Your people all told you not to get involved with A 45 year old man that's not even divorced at the time.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




You are too young and he is still seeing his wife do not have kids. Neither of you can be trusted so go your separate ways. Find someone your own age after you are divorce. Be honest with yourself what do you really want. Is it sex or is it a relationship.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

WendyBee said:


> Sometimes I want to leave. Cut it all off.


In your situation I would take advice from Nike, Inc ....... Just do it!


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

You both have issues you need to address. Focus your energy on why you would allow a man to treat you in such a way. Reenact your rape? Good god!

End this abomination now. You don't belong with anyone while you are this damaged and sure as hell shouldn't be within a mile of this monster.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, leave. 

I realize you want to prove everyone wrong who was against your relationship but, guess what, they were right. Time to move on.


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## Suspicious1 (Nov 19, 2017)

Don't have children with him that is for sure !

Good luck

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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* @WendyBee ~ this is a toxic relationship from which you need to walk!

On second thought, you actually need to run!*


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

The only reason he has mentioned having a baby is because that would make you helpless. You would become unable to escape him once you two are bound together by the genes in that child, and he could force you to suffer his company for the next 18 years no matter what. It is a control tool and nothing more.

And if you think he has treated you poorly at times before now just wait until after you have his baby. He will destroy you. You will be completely subjugated to his sadistic will, and you will lose yourself completely.

You have no idea the depths of depravity he will force down to.


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

Leave, he is NOT what you need at all, a caring husband would never do those things to you and you DO deserve better.


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## username77 (Dec 27, 2017)

What's your relationship with your father like?


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## Ghost Rider (Mar 6, 2017)

Wendy, please listen to everyone here and leave the guy. He likes to re-enact your rape? Jesus Christ, that's scary for me to just read it, let alone endure it. You can do better.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Re-enactment of rape is not in and of itself a problem. What matters is motivation and who wants what re-enacted. 

Your husband does it because it pleases him. It indicates his disrespect for women. His desire to control and harm women. Rape is the desire to carve his name violently into your soul. 

Perhaps you have found there are occasions when being the victim again actually excites you. I would never fault you for that. My wife has that issue, and we work together to find ways to satisfy her desires, but it is not something I thought of, and it is not easy for me. 

So please don’t be ashamed of yourself. Never allow what you have been through, or what you may occasionally want, to push you into staying in a bad relationship. 

Any man who requests such acts is acting on sadistic desire. Please get away from him.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Ok @WendyBee, I'll bite, it's a slow night. 



WendyBee said:


> Almost no one has supported us throughout our relationship. At first I saw it as romantic. Us being against the world etc.


Well, that's certainly one way to look at it. Others might say "Hmm there just might be a reason why every single person we know thinks this is a BAD idea". I guess it's just a matter of perspective and keeping a bright and positive outlook in the face of overwhelming pessimism.



WendyBee said:


> Soon after I found out what he'd done [several years long affair cheating with exwife] he proposed to me. I said yes.


He cheats on you for years, you find out about the cheating, 6 months after that you married him. You're very forgiving. 



WendyBee said:


> He would enjoy reenacting the times I was raped (I am a sexual abuse survivor)


Was he trying to do some sort of exposure therapy? You know, like a person who is afraid to drive over bridges is forced to drive over bridges? If so I hope he's a licensed therapist, it sounds risky. 



WendyBee said:


> I am not innocent though. I did also sleep with someone else a few months ago over some drinks and being unhappy etc. I'm not justifying what I did but I think it was me feeling trapped.


That's called "justifying". You know, when you say "I'm not justifying but then you proceed to justify". 



WendyBee said:


> Anyway we have been living apart since then but trying to work it out. Been to couples therapy.


You really need to give your therapist an extra large tip for the holiday. 



WendyBee said:


> I know marriages are up and down but is it meant to be this hard?


Sounds about right.



WendyBee said:


> He wants me to move back in full time and also talking about having a kid.


What does your therapist say? If the advice is "move back in with the cheating abusive rape renanacter" then I take back what I say about that holiday tip.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

I have some news for you: he is not the only one who needs to change. 

Get out of this relationship. What an earlier answer said is true - a kid would make you helpless. This man is not right in the head, and you have your own issues to work out. You and me against the world is not romantic - when family/friends don't like someone, there is usually a reason.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Suspicious1 said:


> Don't have children with him that is for sure !
> 
> Good luck
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


I second the above…for the sake of the children! 

The age gap you have is exactly the same as it was for my parents, my father was actually older than my mothers parents. Mom spent her life controlled and depressed and dad was always pissed off and hostile (and drunk when possible). I have almost zero positive childhood memories, and have many many bad childhood memories. While I suppose I can't blame all of the issues on their age difference I think they were so far apart in their life cycle there was constant resentment and that trickled into every aspect of our life preventing us from ever having a normal family.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

WendyBee said:


> My husband and I have been married 18 months and been together for 3 and 1/2 years in total. We have a big age gap. I am 22 and he is 45.
> 
> Our relationship started off really messy. He was still legally married (but had been separated for a number of years). However I believed their marriage to be over but I didn't realise he had still been seeing her and vice versa over the course of the years. They were still trying to work it out.
> When she found out about us, she was not happy and refused to let him come around anymore. He told me he wanted to see his kids and asked for some space. However we were still seeing and talking and sleeping together. Acting like we were still together.
> ...


Cut and run. He is 45 years old and will never change. Take care of yourself and file for a divorce.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

leave for your own sanity. you can't build bliss on mess. of course he would do the same to you as he got you. the age gap is way too big. i don't trust men who are into that much younger girls. sorry. is just creepy to me. you are my daughters age and i would freak out if a man of THAT age would be interested in her.

you are a survivor like me.... please SEEK therapy in order to have a healthy relationship in your future. you had a rough start but YOU can seek help, heal and change will happen. you will be able to build HEALTHY relationships. this one is just wrong on so many levels, get out!


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