# How long do you try; what becomes of the brokenhearted???



## messeduplady (May 31, 2012)

Ok, so 16 months into reconciliation post husbands' EA. Done everything, literally, honestly he couldn't be better or more transparent etc etc.

It's me. Just me. My heart is broken, I feel so let down, destroyed, lost at times, ugly, worthless, you name it, all the cr ap that BSs on here feel. Some days are ok, some are good but the bad ones still keep hitting me; whoa, and they hit me hard.

Had IC and it did help, or so I thought but now not so sure. But I guess what I am asking is - when do you give up? When do you say that you need to feel more good days than bad? How long do you try? Because when it is bad it hurts so very very much and yet I love my husband and know that he is doing his absolute best to make it work, how do you love them enough to get past it all?

Please tell me it stops. I can't stand the bad days and want to run. What keeps you there, and what keeps you trying?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Some people just can't get over it, no matter what the WS does. When do you admit this and move on? I think that's something each person can only answer for themselves.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I found for me, it was a ton of internal work. Sort of having to adopt a optimistic perception. At first, it was a struggle... intentionally looking for ‘good things’ and ‘happy moments’. Now it’s second nature.

It is also a massive amount of just accepting the past. So when I trigger, and I still do 4 years out, it is recognizing that it stems from this horrible past. Just isolating and compartmentalizing to the past helps put some distance on it.

Also... the second year is the hardest IMHO. You are past the discovery and shock. The marriage has enough stability now, that it is going to start ‘feeling’ like it was in a lot of ways. That’s uncomfortable as hell. You also start really questioning yourself and your choices. So just keep plugging away at yourself and focus on the direction you want to go in your life.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Oh, and lol... I do my own mental tricks. A very hard one for me was the baggage I had in my head about what a marriage is and what I should expect. As such, I found myself always focusing and looking for “what it isn’t” and how it and my WW weren’t meeting those ideals. So, I redefined the relationship. It was easier for me to stop thinking we were married and holding it to those standards... That became the goal and the direction I (we) were striving for.

Instead, I think of it as just a complex relationship where this other person fills multiple ‘roles’ for me.. And I’d evaluate and judge based on those narrower roles. Mother, roommate, provider, lover, friend, etc. It helped me break it from ‘failing as a wife’ to the smaller roles of where I think we need improvement and what is really working quite well. I was able to see a lot more of "what is right" than focused on "what is wrong".


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

I am still trying to get over the coldness I have for my wife. I had some issues as a kid where I just stopped caring about anyone that hurt me. right now my wife has done everything to show me the EA is over and it is just us. But damn I am cold now. I love my wife but I am trying to deal with past issues that are obstructing my marriage now. I love her but there is just a coldness now and my wife is on the backburner with school.


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## messeduplady (May 31, 2012)

Thanks for the responses. Guess this is down to me.


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## Mtts (Apr 16, 2012)

I'm right there with you OP. When do you just file and be done with it. I think it's something that all struggle with when trying to reconcile. I can say that a large amount of what makes it tough, at least for me, is the want for something to be only yours, special to you. 

When a spouse betrays you, they've taken away from that specialness and shared it with someone else. The territorial side of us doesn't want to share something that we felt was for us only. Moving past that is difficult as it feels in some ways that you are accepting a lesser status in life than that of being alpha or in control. I argue this is true for both men and women. We like people to recognize our status of being attatched and having a sense of ownership to another. 

Figuring out if you can regain that status mentally is the tough one. Once thats been taken from you whether through a PA, EA or other forms of betrayl, it's hard to feel like you have as much ownership or stake in the other half of your relationship. 

As you said, this is truly an individual decision and for most it takes a great deal of time to truly explore all of the feelings associated. For me it took about a year.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

For me it has never stopped. And I've remarried. I find I don't trust my wife and assume the worst until proven otherwise. Betrayers cause permenent damage that they never really know about. It's like a lifetime jail sentence. I came here to help ease some of the problems I developed as a result of my ex's betrayals.


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## Mtts (Apr 16, 2012)

Next time I'm headed down to portland, Thatbpguy, if your up for some co-frustration and a beer, deschutes brewery.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Mtts said:


> Next time I'm headed down to portland, Thatbpguy, if your up for some co-frustration and a beer, deschutes brewery.


That may work.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

If you have faith that the potential for recovery and mutually met needs outweighs the pain and if you see that your WS is making substantial efforts toward that end, then I'd suggest hanging in there. 

Ask yourself why it is that despite his efforts, you aren't able to reconnect. Do you want to reconnect? Do you believe in this partnership? Beyond the aspect of fidelity are you meeting each others needs? Is this pain and resentment masking the fact that you're unhappy because your needs are unmet? Are those connected to your spouse or you or both? 

Some people don't get past it. Others do. To get coast the pain, no matter what you ultimately decide, try to think about why you're unable to let go of the pain and what it might be serving for you to hold on. Then, think deeply about what you actually want for you and how well your partner fits that idea.

Nothing wrong with walking away because he did screw up fundamentally. Nothing wrong with staying either since he's changed his ways. Which feels more painful to you? What about the past can't you set aside? Month 18 post DDay feels less immediately raw, IMO.


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## jupiter13 (Jun 8, 2012)

19 months and he just now will answer my questions. "610" DOT (days of tears) I would never have married this man if not for the relentless ways he persuaded me. The promises and assurances that he had "Values and Morales." A true belief in how the "relationship" would be "handled, "communications" and the "promises of our vows." Oh yes those were so so "_*very important to him*_. I was stupid to listen, stupid to open my heart and let anyone close to me again. I was perfectly happy a single woman living on her own no one answer to. I was never really lonely I had lots of friends, Places to go, things to see. He wanted all this he wanted to do all this. I have a major background of abuse issues I have worked though and put away. I could live with my issues they saw the light of day no longer did they have power over me. Now this the betrayal and a beating to go with it. It too is much trauma at one time for me, it has awakened the old stuff giving it power once again. I'm screwed. At my age I can't do this again. I don't have that many more years and I had intended to enjoy them. I will never truly get over this. Everything around me, everything I do has been for this home, the rock for the family to lean on depend on and life style we live. I will not give it up but I will see that he pays dearly. He wants to buy me things to show how much he loves me. Like this material things are important to me. What do I do? It makes me feel like a *****. 
All my dreams are dead now all the things I wanted to explore with our marriage as partners you have got to be kidding will never happen. 
What I do have is a bucket list there is only one thing one it. I have both hips, 1 knee replacements and have had back surgery. It has been 20+ years since my brothers took my Harley for being reckless. I want to ride again. I don't know if I will be able too but I am going to try. Never been on one sober either. Oh yeah did I mention I quiet drinking so this marriage would have a chance. ... HA LOL (I'm have so much anger and no way to get it out no one to talk too cause he don't like the way it makes him feel) keep pushing I'll laugh all the way to the bank This is the worst post I have ever made thank you for letting me rant. This is the worst pain I have ever suffered in compares sen to all other because my heart was invested. And He wants to make it work.....trust agian, how? Too many broken promises..


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

messeduplady said:


> Ok, so 16 months into reconciliation post husbands' EA. Done everything, literally, honestly he couldn't be better or more transparent etc etc.
> 
> It's me. Just me. *My heart is broken*, *I feel so let down, destroyed, lost at times, ugly, worthless, you name it*, all the cr ap that BSs on here feel. Some days are ok, some are good but the bad ones still keep hitting me; whoa, and they hit me hard.
> 
> ...


I don't know if it ever does. For some it does for some it never does. It differs from person to person.

For me, deep down I do still love him and care, but I cannot get past what he has done. My case is a little different since he got the OW pregnant so I will forever have a reminder being thrust in my face of his lies and betrayal. I can't live with it. The pain and humilation I feel outweighs the love I have for him at this point. I filed a few weeks ago, he cried and seemed quite devastated, but now he's back with the pregnant OW (is she Plan B or C or D or was I?  and I plan on going no contact as soon as our divorce hearing is over (2 wks). We have a 9yo child, and I will tell my ex we can communicate via email only, and only about our son, and I will use a drop off child care center for custody exchanges.

I really never want to see him, his skank OW or his illegitimate child ever again quite frankly. I didn't ask for this, I didn't deserve this in any way shape or form. What he has done is in my eyes, unforgiveable and PERMANENT. And I don't think he really has any idea of the damage he's caused to not just me, but our son. The fact my husband of 13 yrs had sex, unprotected sex, with a woman 13 yrs my junior, makesmy skin crawl. The fact he was stupid enough not to use protection and get her pregnant has made every last ounce of respect I had for him disappear forever. This is not the man I married. This is not what I signed up for and I faced the fact IT IS NEVER GOING TO GO AWAY. Ever.

All I know is you deserve to be happy. Every day. Do whatever you need to to to achieve that. If it means you are happy every day staying with him, do it. If it means you will be happy not being with him and the memories of the affair, leave and have no contact. Start a new life.


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## jupiter13 (Jun 8, 2012)

This is harder to get through than I every imagined. Past abuse issues and living in shame leap out to sabotage any thing I do with WH. He don't seem to get it. Or understand pain. He says all I lost was a bad marriage and he wants to rebuild it with me. Isn't that sweet. He forgot about the part repairing the damage done let's just move forward.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

jupiter13 said:


> This is harder to get through than I every imagined. Past abuse issues and living in shame leap out to sabotage any thing I do with WH. He don't seem to get it. Or understand pain. He says all I lost was a bad marriage and he wants to rebuild it with me. Isn't that sweet. He forgot about the part repairing the damage done let's just move forward.


DENIAL... it ain't just a river in Egypt 

They can't face themselves. If they really looked at what they did they would probably want to put a bullet to their head. It's easier to ignore it.

Living in shame: The pregnant skank has posted pictures of MY husband with her all over facebook. And ultrasound pics. She started posting the ones of them together late last year before I had any clue. I only found out in January when a mutual friend tipped me off "Um I think you need to see this". Remember my ex and I were in reconciliation the whole time he was banging her - unbeknownst to me. Every single person and family member we mutually knew has seen them. I feel like a complete fool. I feel like they were laughing at me the entire time. I dread to think what he told her and others about "his wife". I truly don't deserve any of this, I've been a faithful, loving wife and mother. I have never done anything to hurt him or embarrass him.

I know I didn't do this, and I know I should not feel ashamed but I do. Its absolutely humilating. How could someone do this to a person he said he loved and has been married to for 13 yrs? He does not get it either.

Since a filed a month ago, he even now has the nerve to tell everybody how "sad and heartbroken" he is over our marriage ending. WTF? To me that's an insult, he chose this path, he lied and cheated and got some other woman pregnant. I tried to reconcile and the whole time I was being made a fool of.

Good riddance to him and her.


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## jupiter13 (Jun 8, 2012)

Brokenbythis, I can only imagine the depth of your pain. Your WH certainly did a number on you but at least you will not spend any more time on him. Even that is a hollow feeling compared to the way you feel, I never was made so aware that men were so selfish. My WH has been buying me expensive gifts, I mean over the top as if he could buy me and I have been feeling like a *****. Worse is we have a delivery service and the OW was a client as "was her husband and he asked WH to help with his wife. Plus they gave him drugs. I was going through a hip replacement but was in and out of hospital in 3 weeks, up and running. I had been home 1 1/2 months doing everything I could to seduce him and show him I was getting better. It was 4 years of surgeries other hip, knee replaced too, back surgery, lots of pills half out of it all the time. He had the nerve to spin out and beat me too. He is crazy if he thinks I will not expect him to talk not going to happen. I will kick him out first. We have the company and I own half of it but he is the one out there making the deliveries and when he leaves each morning my anxiety goes through the roof, and he thinks I should trust him. WTF? It is suppose to get better they say either way I don't have a lot more years I also have COPD and can't stop smoking now I don't even care. I do know that there is another life out there and I will have some fun before I roll over. Stay centered. God Bless


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

He cheated on you and beat you? 
There's no hope for this one. I'm sorry. I always hold out a little hope, but that's all the abuse you can pile on a spouse. My wife's first marriage was like that, when she was 19 thru 24, and it's taken her a long time to get over the whole experience, but today she's wise, smart (smart ass too) and beautiful. 

You will be too.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Ok, I missed the beating part. 

Physical assault means walk away now and don't look back. Nope, don't hold out hope at all. Do not try to fix this because it is NOT fixable. Let go, like yesterday!


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## jupiter13 (Jun 8, 2012)

There it is. There is always hope in all things. I hope I have a good day, I hope you find pleasure in yours. True I should walk actually run but I know my WH better than he knows himself. I am torturing him also, and he is eating it up. I make him answer questions now one or two at a time with "all" the details then ask a few more, making him hear his own answers. He has been reduced to tears often. I smile to see him like that. I know he is feeling at some level all the despair, hurt and anger that I am feeling. He is gaining some understanding of what I am going through and he has agreed to go back into IC if not for himself then to become a better husband to me. As he says, "I deserve so much more than even he can give me." I finally got out of him what the last IC counselor had to say and I am so angry with her. She did not tell him anything I haven't been saying all along. Imagine, she's this highly educated doctor and me a plain old house wife, could have saved a grip of money, several months worth of time just to come to the same conclusion. This is all about his mother. Believe me she was some piece of work and did a number on him from the day he was born. He could have turned out so much worse and it would have been understandable. Now he will get the help he should have gotten years ago, he will become the kind of man he will respect and I will get the husband I know he is capable of being. All good things from a bad situation. I still cry everyday I am still very hurt and I have not forgiven him nor do I trust him. I have a past of issues that have resurfaced through the trauma of this ordeal so once again I will have to go through the process of taking my power back, putting them to rest. It will be a long painful road but maybe not as bad as the first time I faced my life. 

Now both my dog and my husband have GPS on at all times. :rofl:

I don't know if I can come out of this whole. I have a feeling as much as I would like too it may not be possible. My past issues, the PTSD from this one is going to take more time than I have give. I may smile again but I don't believe I will ever know that happiness, trust or security I once blindly gave to WH. He will have to live with that also or not. I will still be reading everything I can so I will know the answers, actions needed to recover it is a long road we all travel to R if that is where we go. :flowerkitty:
PS Just got a phone call from one of my daughters friends from high school she needs advice. She may be posting here herself.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

jupiter13 said:


> There it is. There is always hope in all things. I hope I have a good day, I hope you find pleasure in yours. True I should walk actually run but I know my WH better than he knows himself. I am torturing him also, and he is eating it up. I make him answer questions now one or two at a time with "all" the details then ask a few more, making him hear his own answers. He has been reduced to tears often. I smile to see him like that. I know he is feeling at some level all the despair, hurt and anger that I am feeling. He is gaining some understanding of what I am going through and he has agreed to go back into IC if not for himself then to become a better husband to me. As he says, "I deserve so much more than even he can give me." I finally got out of him what the last IC counselor had to say and I am so angry with her. She did not tell him anything I haven't been saying all along. Imagine, she's this highly educated doctor and me a plain old house wife, could have saved a grip of money, several months worth of time just to come to the same conclusion. This is all about his mother. Believe me she was some piece of work and did a number on him from the day he was born. He could have turned out so much worse and it would have been understandable. Now he will get the help he should have gotten years ago, he will become the kind of man he will respect and I will get the husband I know he is capable of being. All good things from a bad situation. I still cry everyday I am still very hurt and I have not forgiven him nor do I trust him. I have a past of issues that have resurfaced through the trauma of this ordeal so once again I will have to go through the process of taking my power back, putting them to rest. It will be a long painful road but maybe not as bad as the first time I faced my life.
> 
> Now both my dog and my husband have GPS on at all times. :rofl:
> 
> ...


I swear I too have PTSD from the things my STBXH has done. I wonder if I will ever be able to feel the trust and security I felt with him the first few years we were married.

The things people do to others... I don't understand


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## jupiter13 (Jun 8, 2012)

brokenbythis I don't think there can ever be that amount of trust or that feeling of degree of security again. I just don't see how. I do see having a form of it that I can live with. Never again will I place my life or my trust in someone else completely. My back is forever raw from this.

Trust is something I didn't have for anybody before I meet WH. It was only for him I took a chance at this marriage and opening my heart again. Even to have dreams for the future were not something I had and now the dreams I dared to dream are shattered.. BUT there is one dream left. I want to ride again. Even with these hips and knee replacements I want to feel a bike between my legs and get in the wind. I've already been down to the Harley shop and sat on one, need to do some strengthening excises. The only other problem is have have never ridden sober. Yes I am going through all this sober and that is a miracle in it's self. 
Yes you do feel the affects of PSTD if not suffer from it. It is very similar This has been the worse experience of our life. This is the worst trama you will ever suffer. I can say even being raped did not compare to this. At least with rape you see it coming, usually it's not someone you love with your very soul, your every breath, and all your the future dreams.
God BLess


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

jupiter13 said:


> brokenbythis I don't think there can ever be that amount of trust or that feeling of degree of security again. I just don't see how. I do see having a form of it that I can live with. Never again will I place my life or my trust in someone else completely. My back is forever raw from this.
> 
> Trust is something I didn't have for anybody before I meet WH. It was only for him I took a chance at this marriage and opening my heart again. Even to have dreams for the future were not something I had and now the dreams I dared to dream are shattered.. BUT there is one dream left. I want to ride again. Even with these hips and knee replacements I want to feel a bike between my legs and get in the wind. I've already been down to the Harley shop and sat on one, need to do some strengthening excises. The only other problem is have have never ridden sober. Yes I am going through all this sober and that is a miracle in it's self.
> Yes you do feel the affects of PSTD if not suffer from it. It is very similar This has been the worse experience of our life. This is the worst trama you will ever suffer. I can say even being raped did not compare to this. *At least with rape you see it coming, usually it's not someone you love with your very soul, your every breath, and all your the future dreams*.
> God BLess


Yep.. I told my WH I have been traumatized enough in my life, but I NEVER expected to be traumatized at the hands of my husband, who I loved dearly, and who was supposed to protect me.


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