# Ex Wife still tries to share all the birthdays



## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

I've tried explaining to my ex that we will no longer share birthday parties. The kids will just get 2 birthday parties. If my family chooses to attend hers rather than mine so be it. I get that the schedule can be weird and it might be easier to get to hers versus mine.

I think my ex is more upset that I won't make myself available to pay for her party ideas when she wants to rent out a skating rink or something for 10 kids that might actually show. I was ok with sharing the parties and having both of us there but the last party my ex got upset with my gf about a month before and forbid her from attending. My family had already rsvp'd to attend so it was a mess between me and my gf that day.

Anyone else have trouble with an ex that still wants to include themselves in everything you do with the kids on your time? She keeps flying the "but we're still their parents and need to get along" flag and trying to guilt trip me.

I wish she'd start dating again and get laid so she wouldn't be all pent up aggressive and nosy and have somewhere else to turn her Eye of Sauron onto....


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

No, I don't have any trouble with this. I set the tone early on that she wasn't going to obligate me that way. I wish mine would get back to dating again so she would show more interest in our divorce. 3+ years and mind seems to have no end in sight.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Sorry, can't help with this. My ex is not at all interested in the kids. Of course this never stops me from offering my two cents on a topic.

I think you are absolutely correct in separating the celebrations, especially if she expects some additional financial support from you. Same goes with Christmas. Separate. Her expectations of co-parenting don't seem too reasonable if she thinks she gets to dictate who you invite and what you will spend.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

one_strange_otter said:


> She keeps flying the "but we're still their parents and need to get along" flag and trying to guilt trip me.


You should point out that this would include her not telling you who you can and can't bring to said events.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

No one can make you go to hers and no one can keep you from having your own. 

Understandably, you can't invite the same kids to each. 

Your family should understand this and respect your wishes. 

Don't fall for the guilt trip sh1t. If she really believed her own BS she wouldn't have started sh1t with your GF.

Edit: I did have some issues with this just this past summer. Hence my vulgar response. Just do what YOU want. F4ck her and what she thinks as long as you're keeping the kids best interest at heart.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Your ex can't "forbid" your girlfriend from anything, and the fact that she tries reeks of boundary issues. Not saying that's your fault, but do examine your boundaries with her. It's going to cause you trouble with your girlfriend.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

We share birthdays, Christmas etc and it works well for us. Partners and each others families are always included.
It can be done but both parents need to be on board and amicable.

For us it is far easier to do it this way then have 2 parties.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

one_strange_otter said:


> Anyone else have trouble with an ex that still wants to include themselves in everything you do with the kids on your time? She keeps flying the "but we're still their parents and need to get along" flag and trying to guilt trip me.


You dont HAVE to share events to "get along", she needs to grasp this concept. My ex and I have always had a decent divorced relationship, but we have never shared events like birthdays and such. For some people it works. Others, like us, see no need, and still get along.


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## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

I faced something similar recently. My xWW asked me if I wanted to go to our daughter's parent teacher conference with her. I wanted to go, just not with her. So I called the school and asked the teacher fit my own conference, and she was fine with it.

My xWW, however, didn't take it very well when I politely declined going with her and told her I set up my own time. She tried to guilt trip me and I totally ignored her. I did what I wanted anyway.

It's a lesson that we'll have to occasionally re-teach them, I think.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

toolforgrowth said:


> I faced something similar recently. My xWW asked me if I wanted to go to our daughter's parent teacher conference with her. I wanted to go, just not with her. So I called the school and asked the teacher fit my own conference, and she was fine with it.
> 
> My xWW, however, didn't take it very well when I politely declined going with her and told her I set up my own time. She tried to guilt trip me and I totally ignored her. I did what I wanted anyway.
> 
> It's a lesson that we'll have to occasionally re-teach them, I think.


Fair enough that you didn't want to go with your ex but have you ever considered it from your kids POV? Not having a go here just saying there are other factors to consider for some.

We do all parent teacher interviews together because we co parent our kids and need to be on the same page. Our kids would be crushed if we could not even sit in the same room as each other for something as important as parent/teacher.

As a child of divorce I always hated this type of thing, it made me nervous into my adult life because my parents had not grown up enough to be together in public. I used to stress about important future events like if I got married who would I invite, mum or dad because they could not be in the same building.

For me, post divorce life has to take the kids even more into account, ex and I have to be amicable for the kids.


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## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

I completely understand your point of view. I have been in the same room with my ex...my daughter's first day of kindergarten, her kindergarten graduation, etc. So those things do happen.

Bottom line is trust. She blameshifted a ton of crap on me, and I don't trust her to not unreservedly throw me under the bus regarding anything with my daughter. This is the same woman who, after three weeks of separation, said to me regarding my ex step daughter who I raised as my own flesh and blood for seven years: "She's not your daughter and you have no legal right to her."

My ex wife and I are actually quite amicable. We don't fight and leave each other alone for the most part (except when she gets her undies in a twist). But this was a situation where my spidey sense said "Watch your ass here." I trust my gut...hasn't failed me yet.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

I get where some of you are coming from. There is no one-size-fits-all situation. In my case though it doesn't stop at the birthday sharing falling under the flag of co-parenting. When the kids are with me I get texts every night: 
"Did the boys have homework?" 
"Is our daughter texting that boy all night?" 
"Did you take away her phone at bedtime?" 
"You know you have to check their backpacks because they won't tell you they have homework" 
"Don't forget to clip their toenails"
"(the youngest) has been taking too long to go to bathroom and having accidents, you're going to have to watch him and make him go earlier"
"you aren't letting them play (insert any video game other than super Mario bros) are you?"
"(the youngest) doesn't like to eat that stuff you cook so here's a list of things he will eat......"

It never stops. And keep in mind, I had these kids primarily for the last 3 years until the divorce was final before she started having anything more than a weekend. Nobody died, nobody flunked a grade and nobody is starving or looking like a homeless person from lack of personal hygiene......I think I know what I'm doing!


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

That would drive me crazy OSO. That is micro managing and shows a big need for control.

My ex and I may do some things differently and yes he at times drives me nuts with some of his parenting (as in the kids come to me for emotional support because he is emotionally stunted) but I have never txt him to manage how he parents the kids.

I would seriously consider blocking her from being able to txt you


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

What you lack are boundaries, if you want this to stop, you're going to have to place boundaries and enforce them. No other way about it.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Look, there are some who can get along and some who can't. 

It takes both parents to see the bigger picture. One cannot do it alone. 

When one cannot comply the other needs to do what's best for the kids. 

Yes, it's best that you can get along well and do things together. But if that's not working out and it's causing tension then you need to put an end to it. It's better to completely separate and live separate lives doing these things separately. It's not ideal but better than forcing your children into stress filled situations. 

OSO, you are not the problem. She is. It sucks that it has to be this way but if she cannot remain calm and bite her lip then you need to extricate yourself from the situation.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

one_strange_otter said:


> I get where some of you are coming from. There is no one-size-fits-all situation. In my case though it doesn't stop at the birthday sharing falling under the flag of co-parenting. When the kids are with me I get texts every night:
> "Did the boys have homework?"
> "Is our daughter texting that boy all night?"
> "Did you take away her phone at bedtime?"
> ...


Why don't you say that? 

I am admit, I am an arsehole. But when my ex-wife asked me why I wouldn't just give in to any demand she makes because "she is the mother, how dare I!" I would say very blantly. "Because I am not Ok with it." 

Oh, they will stomp, cry, beg, make a public scene, mean texts, call you an abuser, remind you of this why you are divorced, anything and everything they can get away with. 

The truth is, they can't stand being told no. Stick to it.


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