# Am I overreacting?



## Daftpunk (Nov 28, 2017)

Am I overreacting? 

I’ve Signed up to get some honest advice, I’m not a ‘talker’ at all so haven’t mentioned anything to any of my friends and family apart from one friend on the other side of the world who basically says she’s out of order but he’s biased on my side as he recently had his heart broken. 

It’s a long story but I feel like I need to get it off my chest and gain advice so I thank you for your time.

As I said it’s a long story so I shall start from the beginning. I met my wife when we were in our late teens. We were together around 10 years and had 3 children when she said she wanted to end it. I was devastated, had a bit of a nervous breakdown and it took me a good couple of months to get over it. We had a massive falling out when I tried to win her back and I thought it was working but sadly it wasn’t and I felt I had been led on so was devastated all over again. 

We did not speak a word to each other for around 6 months and I arranged me seeing the kids through my father in law who I remained very close to. This period of not speaking to each other started around 3 years ago. 

Anyway in the time of not talking to each other we were both seeing other people, I was happy. I still missed her as she has always been one in a million and I love her very much. Hence why I was so devastated to have to move out but I had moved on with my life. After 6 months of not even sharing a text we randomly met up when she walked past my flat with our children. I still thought I hated her for what I perceived she had put me through but I cautiously spoke to her and we started texting. 
Within a few months we had finished with the people we were seeing and had gotten very close again. I received abusive texts and silent phone calls from the partner she was seeing but my wife asked me to just block him as he was a nutcase and upset. For my wife I agreed. 

We got back together and it was great. She is 99% of the time my favourite person on the planet, funny, beautiful and smart. Fast forward to this summer and we have been back together around 2 years. We are constantly talking about having another baby and I have booked a big family holiday for next year when we have agreed we will start trying for another baby. So now I’ve set the scene some advice on what has since happened. 

In July of this year I was tidying up and in our house was a stack of opened letters. I happened to glance at the top one and it was a bank statement of my wife’s. We have had separate accounts since we parted. I was not snooping as we don’t really keep these things private the statements are always laying around. What caught my eye was a transfer into her account from the person she was seeing while we was apart. 200 quid!(this was 15 months after they’d split. My mind was swirling and didn’t know what to think! When my wife came back I asked her and she got very defensive and said she had borrowed it off him(A little while before this her uncle passed away abroad suddenly and we didn’t think she would be able to go to the funeral because of the cost of getting there and we just didn’t have the money)

She was able to go as she said her grandmother and auntie had paid her airfare and I gave her a lot of spending money. 

She confessed that she had borrowed the money off him to go. I was furious! I accused her of cheating as one she was clearly back in contact and two close enough to borrow money. She swore blind she had not and it was just as she was desperate to go to the funeral. I was still angry and it happened at a bad time as I was just going away on a stag weekend but I was extremely upset and felt very let down. What upset me more was that over the next couple of days she did not apologise or see how I was feeling and me being away for the weekend with that bombshell playing on my mind. 

I got back on the Sunday and we just got on with life. It was not mentioned again since but I still feel pretty down about it and just as much about her lack of empathy to why I was upset. But hey ho we got on still really well and had great times. 

Fast forward to about 3 days ago. I’m tidying and moving stuff around the bedroom while my wife was looking after the kids and our nephew downstairs. When I moved the wardrobe I found a birthday card tucked behind. It was one from her birthday approx a year ago and whilst not exactly lovey dovey but was certainly extremely friendly and was again from the ex boyfriend. I was again very upset and left it on the floor next to the wardrobe and went for a shower to think. I didn’t want to kick off as we had all the kids here but I was worried again. I went downstairs but all the kids were happy so I made a drink and went back up. When I got in the room the card was gone off the floor so clearly my wife had noticed it and moved it while I was in the shower. I sent her a text message saying basically id seen the card and why was she being sneaky. I got into bed and she did not respond to the text. That was 3 days ago and she’s been avoiding me ever since. It’s fairly easy to do as we have been on opposite shifts but not once has she tried to explain, see if I’m ok or even ask me the time of day either through text or face to face. To be fair neither have I as I feel I have done nothing wrong and am again completely devastated at her seemingly not giving a **** about how I feel. 

I know this isn’t normal but I’m just so angry and upset. I really love her to bits as I said 99% of the time she is brilliant. 

Am I overreacting or what? 

I’m sorry for the ramble but I genuinely don’t talk about any of this stuff with anyone but wanted some advice. I’ve already enquired about a room to rent and am so tempted to go but I love them all so much. I’m at my wits end. 😩
You


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

i dunno man you keep talking about how she's your one in a million but she sounds like she's everyone's.

don't let love blind you to the fact that she's a garbage wife.

hell if she was so special she wouldn't be doing all this stuff behind your back and especially wouldn't be hiding all of this things from you: and avoid you when she's caught.

she ain't all that.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

I think you're underreacting.

Dump her...and never make this mistake again.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Can you check her phone usage, texts, calls etc?

Since you have opposite shifts she could be doing anything. I would turn the house upside down and go through everything with a fine tooth comb.

Also, put a VAR in her car and the house where she would use the phone when you’re away. You have too many red flags to ignore this.


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## why_amihere (Sep 26, 2017)

She has to go no contact and get rid of anything remotely related to him. No room for negotiation on that and it needs to happen today. Since she has violated your trust with this guy multiple times she needs to be an open book. No device privacy , no internet privacy etc...


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

"She's one in a million" LOL. OP you're the one in a million: deaf, dumb, and blind. And I guess that you'll continue to be her one in a million until she dumps you again.


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## Bianca Stella (Sep 26, 2017)

What did the card say? You CANNOT omit that information if you want our opinion.

Why is she brilliant? What makes her so special? Why are you so attached? She lies... eewww, I wonder what else is there.

You have a big heart, pretty evident, but don't be naive.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Well she certainly not being honest...how can you move forward with your life when she is still hiding things


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If he meant nothing to her why would she hang onto and hide his card?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Well, I don't see anything you've written that makes your wife come across as "brilliant." She lies, she is avoidant, and she still has contact with this other guy.

And as far as avoidance goes ... you TEXTED her rather than confront her face-to-face when you found the birthday card??? Okay, strap on a pair and lay down the law. Or, continue on and be a bit of a doormat. If she lies about the little stuff like a card, I can only imagine what else she's hiding.


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## Daftpunk (Nov 28, 2017)

THank you folks. I know you’re all right. 

I asked her to come and talk to me tonight after the kids had gone to bed. But she said no she wasn’t doing that. I said look we need to talk and she just said she was going to bed. I said if you don’t then I will follow you up to which she said she will not allow me to intimidate her! I got pretty angry at this point and shouted how callous I thought she was being and that I had no choice but to assume the worst but she just flat out refused to talk. Still absolutely zero empathy to how I may be feeling. 

I’m sleeping on the sofa so I can take the kids to school in morning as might not see them for a while, I’m then coming back and packing my bags. I’ve just rented a room nearby and need to get out. Been a tough week. To think the day before I found this card she was asking me to cave in to having a baby now and also we bought tickets to a gig 18 months from now! Craziness!


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

OP... my God! You're doing this all wrong. You're acting like you are in High School. What you should had done was to tell her either we have the discussion now or tomorrow I'm filling for divorce and do it. That's what you do, otherwise she'll just ignore you because she knows that there's no consequences. 

Do not leave your house, REPEAT, do not leave your house. Get an appointment with a lawyer ASAP, do not wait, you need to do this to know your rights. Implement the 180 right away. Do show her that your're seriously moving on by detaching. Communicate only about child needs by text only, if possible. Do not engage her in any type of routine conversation. Get a VAR (voice activation recorder), and place her under her car seat. You'll have good chances of finding out what's she is up to, because the car is normally a secure place for people to talk freely.


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## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

Daftpunk said:


> THank you folks. I know you’re all right.
> 
> I asked her to come and talk to me tonight after the kids had gone to bed. But she said no she wasn’t doing that. I said look we need to talk and she just said she was going to bed. I said if you don’t then I will follow you up to which she said she will not allow me to intimidate her! I got pretty angry at this point and shouted how callous I thought she was being and that I had no choice but to assume the worst but she just flat out refused to talk. Still absolutely zero empathy to how I may be feeling.
> 
> I’m sleeping on the sofa so I can take the kids to school in morning as might not see them for a while, I’m then coming back and packing my bags. I’ve just rented a room nearby and need to get out. Been a tough week. To think the day before I found this card she was asking me to cave in to having a baby now and also we bought tickets to a gig 18 months from now! Craziness!


You're doing the right thing. I know it may not feel that way and it must be hard but after some time goes by you will realize you were blinded and you're better off with someone who will love and respect you.


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## Suspicious1 (Nov 19, 2017)

As others has said her privacy has gone out the window, you have allot at stake here so don't leave your home, she'll just see it as a change to do what ever she wants and blame you for leaving while opening the door to someone else, the douche bag ex...
Write down dates, notes just about anything that sounds fishy, people love to pour out what they really mean if you're listening.

And please please do not have a baby now. I'm from NYC and have seen enough guys taking care of other men's children and being oblivious of the whole thing.

You sound like a wonderful caring guy, but it seems she know this as well and taking advantage.

Cheers



Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

I don’t think you’re overreacting but I don’t think she is cheating. Because she wanted to separate once and you did, do you think that you’re fearful she’ll do this again. Is this that fear manifesting in the form of suspicion? 

Do you think sitting down to talk about the relationships you have had while you were both separated and re-committing to your marriage vows will provide some closure from that time? Let your wife know the significance to you of talking about the card you found.

I don’t automatically recommend divorce and resort to the accusations of cheating, but I think to have a great marriage you both need commitment and maturity to get through this.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Moving out is a drastic step and get you little custody if the court rules you have abandoned your family.
Slow down and think. There has to be more than you have told us.
A major flaw in your relationship is working different shifts. We see
so many problems with that here. As much as long distance relationships.
NEVER lose your temper when you are talking to her. That indicates weakness and neediness. Calm and collected and determined will get you what you need. It will display your strength and dependibility. That’s attractive. Right now you are just proving she was right in keeping contact with the other man as you are unreliable.


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## heatherwilson (Dec 5, 2017)

Daftpunk said:


> Am I overreacting?
> 
> I’ve Signed up to get some honest advice, I’m not a ‘talker’ at all so haven’t mentioned anything to any of my friends and family apart from one friend on the other side of the world who basically says she’s out of order but he’s biased on my side as he recently had his heart broken.
> 
> ...


well i think she is dishonest, a scenerio close to this happened to my brother, he had to hire an hacker to get proof from her texts, calls and even pictures proving she was actually cheating on him. i suggest you do the same too.


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## heatherwilson (Dec 5, 2017)

i actually do not think you are overreacting, this happened to my brother with his wife and she was caught having an affair, he had to get an hack to gather information from her texts, emails even pictures. she had sent a lot of money to her ex before she got caught. thank God the proof helped him during his divorce.


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