# Wife 'MLC' is wearing on me...



## hldnhope (Apr 10, 2012)

...My W is 44 and going thru a MLC. Our MC explained it as her being in a 'fantasy land' or 'fog' which makes sense. Luckily this does not include infidelity or anything like that, she is concentrating on her job right now. However, she is re-evaluating our relationship together and our future. She can not seem to remember us ever being happy and would like to continue living together as 'roommates' (since we have 2 children 15 and 11) until they are off to college and then we would decide what to do in reguards to 'us'. I threw a wrench in her plan by telling her that I could not/would not continue to live in a 'love-less' marriage. 
I've been working on the 180 and giving her her space, but this is so hard when I'm not getting any help/work on our relationship from her. She has not touched me in about a year, and my love language being 'Touch' makes this even harder. This roller-coaster ride is really taking it's toll on me emotionally: I'm on anti-depressants, having trouble sleeping, having stress-dreams, unable to concentrate at work...This has been since the beginning of this year when she decided to 'drop the bomb' when I asked her if there was a problem with us. 
Our MC says that this is a classic case , and that most people come our of this OK, but it takes time. W expressed interest in seperating/co-habitation but after talking decided to give us another chance. I just don't want to follow through with a seperation or anything because once I do this I'm not sure I would want back into this situation again. The MC says most people that go through this MLC and have seperated end up regretting their decision. 
I love my wife and my kids and want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life in a loving, passionate, committed relationship with her...but if this is not an option, then I feel I deserve to be happy and will need to 'move on'.

Anyone else dealing with something similar, and can offer some hope that this ride will eventually come to an end??


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I disagree with your MC. COMPLETELY.

If my husband didn't touch me for a year, stated he wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me but wanted to stay roommates until the kids were in college I'd let him go. I'd treat this MLC like any other fog no matter the source. I'd say choose. Me or your new life but I refuse to wait another minute for you to decide. 

In this whole story I kept thinking what about YOU? What about YOUR needs? What about the fact that YOU are falling apart? Does you MC give a flip about that? Why oh why is the MC supporting your wife acting like that? Where is the compromise that is so essential in marriage?

Sorry to be blunt but this would not fly with me.


----------



## dignityinshambles (Apr 27, 2012)

OMG - I could have written the same post word for word.

I feel like a hostage - waiting for her to make up her mind to either work on fixing it or booting my a#ss to the curb.

I hear loud and clear the last reply - should leave. I just do not have the courage. How does one gain that courage?


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

dignityinshambles said:


> I just do not have the courage. How does one gain that courage?


Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.

My vote is feel the fear and do it anyway. The pain of leaving has to be less than the pain you feel to stay where you obviously aren't wanted.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

"Re-evaluating our relationship - RED FLAG

can not seem to remember us ever being happy - RED FLAG

continue living together as 'roommates' - RED FLAG

has not touched me in about a year, - RED FLAG

W expressed interest in seperating - RED FLAG

Hidn, are you beginning to see a pattern here? I think you should consider doing some investigating. I honestly believe that if you wife isn't currently involved in an EA (at least) she is probably thinking about one with someone.

Review your cell phone bill for as far as you can go back. Look for numbers she has been calling or texting ALOT

Get yourself a voice activated recorder (VAR) and place it under the seat of her car with heavy duty velcro. If she uses a family PC, purchase a keylogger and install it today.

I'm not saying she is cheating but there are some typical red flags here. DO NOT tell her you think she may be thinking about wandering or ask her if she's having an affair (or thinking about it)..Investigate quietly! If you tip your hand, it will only drive her to be more secretive.

I think you need to rule out this possibility first before you can go any further down the road with trying to fix your marriage.

Read some more in the Coping With Infidelity section about affairs and red flags!


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Toffer I wasn't going to go there but I was thinking the same thing. There is someone else or a potential someone else. Or at the very least she's plotting her escape keeping this poor guy on hold while she does it.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Your MC is an idiot.
You're supposed to sit on your hands for years in a worthless marriage until the time is just right for your wife to leave you.

Hasn't touched you in a year?
WTF?

Get an attorney,
Have her served divorce papers.
See what that does to her "MLC".

Don't let her do this on her timeline.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than .


excellent!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## hldnhope (Apr 10, 2012)

Toffer...

You ARE correct, but not an affair. She has an EA with a female friend that lives out of the area. Already checked the text records and e-mails. She text her friend 80-150 times a day EVERY day for as long as the cell phone bill will go back.

I am NOT affraid to leave, but am willing to give everything to make this work before I end this and devistate our children...


----------



## hldnhope (Apr 10, 2012)

> In this whole story I kept thinking what about YOU? What about YOUR needs? What about the fact that YOU are falling apart? Does you MC give a flip about that? Why oh why is the MC supporting your wife acting like that? Where is the compromise that is so essential in marriage?


The MC DOES care...she layed it out and said the ball is in my court. But before I leave this, I need to make sure I have tried everything, because I WILL NOT be going back...


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

hidn,

I have to ask...Could your wife be Bi? Bi curious?

Something has been awakened in your wife and it's obvious she is persuing it. A woman or a man not having sex with the spouse can be sometimes caused by the fact that they'd feel that if they did, they'd be cheating on their affair partner.

With all these typical red flags, I am willing to bet she's in an affair. Have you verified that the number she's texting and calling is in fact a female and not just listed that way on her phone (typical cheater tactic)


----------



## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

I was the one who went through a midlife crisis. Questioned the relationship because my wife was always so critical of it. She suggested seperating. Just my opinion, but seperating isn't working on the marriage. It's questioning whether or not she wants to give the marriage another try. I told my wife that the only option other than divorce was for us both to address the problems, let go of resentment in the past, and work on growing closer. I think it is possible to tell her that seperating is not an option without pushing her to divorce. Challenge her to join you in growing closer.


----------

