# I need help,my wife says I have become smothering and controlling



## LOSTfan (Jun 12, 2012)

I guess a little backstory.... We have been married for 2 and a half years, I'm28, she is 29. We both live in Vegas, and I work for an internet company 11-7 and she is a ****tail waitress (doesnt like her work, she has a degree in advertising) and works 6pm -til it lows down usually 12-2am.

I recently got her her current job, because I worked with management in my previous job at this hotel/lounge club. Things have had their ups and downs like all marriages, Ive been jealous in the past, and so has she. 8 months ago, I asked her to send me dirty texts. She felt uncomfortable withthat, and never would. So i dirty texted a girl in cali, something I knew would never get physical, and of course, got caught. Aplogized, I knew I was wrong,and promised to never do it again. Never did. Fast forward to 3 weeks ago. She had come home talking about someone who works with her who was very cute. She called him eye candy, was him hitting on her, caling her smart and beautiful, I knew who he was because I used to work there. WE were good work friends. So i thought nothing of it. But my jealousy got me worried.And started to think about it all the time.So i went through our records and found about 40 texts to this guy. I told her about this, and of course she got mad at me for snooping, but her anger was negated in my mind because she was doing this.

I looked at it as a lie, because she obviously didnt volunteer this info. She offered to let me see the texts as she viewed them as harmless, so when I got home, I went through them,and he was hitting on her. calling her smart and beautiful. what i noticed was that some of the 40 texts were done with me in their presence. i went to pick her up the night before, and was sharing a beer with this guy while they texted. she didnt say anything innapropriate. he texted her she was smart and hot with me there, and her reposne was, wow that made me smile. all with me there.

so after 2 weeks of me being jealous about this... she claims nothing phsycial has or will happen. shes married and shed rather end the marriage first.... well ive ben jealous, i dont like her spending extra time at work, like when its dead, she can just clock out. but she stays to try and make a few more bucks... now its me as the bad guy. and i smother her, and im too controlling, and she needs space....... what to do


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

My first thought is that you are in a marriage where you never see each other, and you both seem perfectly comfortable sexting anyone except each other.

This is not a marriage.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Uh Oh!

The "controlling" word and the "I nedd space" comment are straight out of the cheaters handbook!

She may be starting an emotional affair (EA) with this guy

You need to go to the Coping With Infidelity forum and read up on this stuff.

I would also advise putting a key logger on your PC and a voice activated recorder (VAR) under the seat of her car with heavy duty velcro ASAP!

See if you get any solid and undeniable evidence this way. If you do, confront her and tell her that she has to go no contact with this dude.

She's getting her ego stroked by this dude and is using him to build up her self esteem. He only wants to get in her pants

I'm sure others will chime in shortly and tell you this can be real bad!


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## LOSTfan (Jun 12, 2012)

Acorn said:


> My first thought is that you are in a marriage where you never see each other, and you both seem perfectly comfortable sexting anyone except each other.
> 
> This is not a marriage.


I know what I did was wrong. It was a week's worht of a mental lapse. I justified it by saying I asked her to do this for a year and ahalf. But that too is still wrong. Havent done it since. Never will again..


As for her, Ishould say, she immediately said that she viewed it as harmless, but that she had no idea it would hurt of bother me that much and shed never do it the texting, or talk to him unless its work related again.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Re-read what Toffer wrote again.

Also, realize that your marriage has a lot of problems that need to be overcome even assuming you can overcome her emotional attraction to this guy. You both will need to learn to trust each other again, as well as starting to meet each other's needs instead of finding excuses not to.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Which phone is she using?


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## LOSTfan (Jun 12, 2012)

keko said:


> Which phone is she using?


Just hers. We have a family plan with tmobile, so I have access to see number of texts, who to, and calls. She doesn't have another phone that I know of at least.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Toffer -- except for the fact that some guys really ARE controlling.


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## LOSTfan (Jun 12, 2012)

We've talked about it. I've told her I feel emotionally stung, I don't feel the same affection from her as in the past. She says a lot of that comes from my controlling issue. When I stop the controlling, ill see the affection. Thats a hard thing to trust in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

LOSTfan said:


> Just hers. We have a family plan with tmobile, so I have access to see number of texts, who to, and calls. She doesn't have another phone that I know of at least.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I meant which brand, in some you can retrieve the actual texts without having the phone present.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Also help her find a job related to her degree fast or at the least similar to your schedule.

Just to give you heads up another poster from Vegas who's wife was a ****tail waitress for some years turned out to have couple of guys on the side. So do your best in killing this 'affair' before it gets out of control.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LOSTfan (Jun 12, 2012)

Tmobile my touch slide 4g but she showed me all the messages and I compared the number with the records swabs she def didnt delete any
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

You have both done the wrong thing. You however set the expectations when you started sexting someone. Man up , set good relationship boundaries and get to marraige counseling. Also she needs to change jobs ASAP.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LOSTfan (Jun 12, 2012)

keko said:


> Also help her find a job related to her degree fast or at the least similar to your schedule.
> 
> Just to give you heads up another poster from Vegas who's wife was a ****tail waitress for some years turned out to have couple of guys on the side. So do your best in killing this 'affair' before it gets out of control.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm not too worried about that. It's just that she works with this guy, and he's between places, so he lives in the hotel they work at. Hence my controlling nature about when she is at work, and wanting her to come home. If She isn't up to anything, then I see how controlling I must look and how annoying it must be always having a husband making you check in while you are at work
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

So now you're both even. You both cheated. 

Joking (but not really).

You both need to stop involving 3rd parties in your marriage. It's not productive or healthy or conducive to a good marriage.

She should prob stop working there. You should stop sexting other women.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

So, wanting your wife to come home after work and spend time with her husband and be affectionate is controlling?

Sheeessshh!


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## LOSTfan (Jun 12, 2012)

As I said above, I stopped 8 months ago . As for working somewhere else, harder than it seems in vegas. Do I have to assume shes not up to anything physical, and trust her even though I'm still hurt. Stop my controlling, even though she still works with him
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

As long as she works with him, the potential for them to hook up is there.

She and you must go NO CONTACT w/ your affair partners.


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## LOSTfan (Jun 12, 2012)

Toffer, she comes home after work, i just urge her to leave when its dead and there aren't any tips left to be made. I say, its dead, its 11pm, no point in staying until 1.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

LOSTfan said:


> As I said above, I stopped 8 months ago . As for working somewhere else, harder than it seems in vegas. Do I have to assume shes not up to anything physical, and trust her even though I'm still hurt. Stop my controlling, even though she still works with him
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You two need to spend more time together. This isn't going to get any better with your current schedules.


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## LOSTfan (Jun 12, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> As long as she works with him, the potential for them to hook up is there.
> 
> She and you must go NO CONTACT w/ your affair partners.


How do I believe its no contact like she says, when he works there. She Says all texting and flirting has stopped, it was just an ego boost but its not worth hurting me over. And All phone communication has stopped, but i don't know what goes on at work
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LOSTfan (Jun 12, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> You two need to spend more time together. This isn't going to get any better with your current schedules.


I will say, I even stay up until she gets home at 1 or 2am, so we can share a quick meal and some cuddles and laughs to one of or dvr ed shows. So I'm only getting 5 hours of sleep staying up until 3.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

LOSTfan said:


> How do I believe its no contact like she says, when he works there. She Says all texting and flirting has stopped, it was just an ego boost but its not worth hurting me over. And All phone communication has stopped, but i don't know what goes on at work
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Trust but verify. The phone communication stopping is a big red flag. It is possible she has a burner phone. Buy a voice activated recorder and hide it in her car for a few days just to confirm or to rule it out.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

LOSTfan said:


> Toffer, she comes home after work, i just urge her to leave when its dead and there aren't any tips left to be made. I say, its dead, its 11pm, no point in staying until 1.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There is a point actually. When the job is dead she has more time to text/flirt with that guy. 

Can you have a friend check her out at these hours? Or do you see her paystubs to see if she actually is working till these hours?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Toffer said:


> So, wanting your wife to come home after work and spend time with her husband and be affectionate is controlling?
> 
> Sheeessshh!


Toffer, you know that is not what I said.

I'm just dismayed that the very word "controlling" seems to be taboo around here. The fact is, some people really are controlling.

And my comment was a general one and not related to the OP at all, so that's my bad.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

She works where he sleeps? She needs another job. ASAP.


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## LOSTfan (Jun 12, 2012)

How do I suggest that without sounding controlling. She doesnt want to get into a career here as we plan on moving to FL in a year or so anyways... And the only place she ever wanted to ****tail was at this place, long before this flirtation ever started.

As for the voice recorder, I dont have the money, and that makes me a little uneasy about such measures to spy. I may send a friend that she does not know there to see if she is up to anything during her shift. Its really hard not to believe her when she is so adament that she would never even think of doing something physical with someone else. And the texts I saw really werent that bad on her side, just his.... And the explanatio that it was just for an ego boost, and was harmless seems accurate ( still wrong) when you see that from her end, the messages sent werent bad.


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## LOSTfan (Jun 12, 2012)

I wrote her an email today ( rather than an argument or text, she likes my emails because they are rare and usually affectionate.)

This is the best way I can see moving forward. IF it doesnt work, I'll find out shes up to something in time... tell me what you guys think, youve all bee na great help... 


""""My last email made you cry in a good way... I hope that this email helps you understand my thinking lately. It'll be the last of this whole craziness we've gone through. Im going to stop what IVe been doing, because it hasnt been working. So this ends with this email ( if youd like to reply I wouldnt mind that) ps, ignore the typing mistakes, im writing this quickly



Look, I get Ive always been more on the jealous side then not. But I really had control over it. It only really escaped if you did something that I felt harmed the marriage or hurt me. In some cases both. 



The controlling situation is a work in progress. I do think Ive gotten a little bit better with each day. Sure Im not perfect yet, but If your eally reviewed each day and compared it to the last day, I think you would evenadmit progress. Im sorry Ive been controlling. Its the only defense mechanism I could come up with when I am scared ou're straying away. You emotionally cheated. I trust ou that it has stopped over the phone. However its a little harder to trust what is going on at work. Its a toxic situation because How can anyone not worry when this person is at your place of work 24 hours a day. But I've handled this all wrong. I trust you deep down when it is all said and done. But my actionsdont show that. I've hoped that my small progress would get the things Ive asked for. A wife who shows her love for me and shows she wants to be with me. You say that will come in time when I stop controlling. Well, I have gotten better and the drastic change you are about to see will be instant, yet you have gotten worse.



Im about to take a big risk. I'm shutting down anything of my personality that you could consider controlling or smothering. But heres the risk, if you dont respond, if you dont treat me with respect and affection that a loving husband deserves, this marriage will end. And it will end fast. I cannot take being the only one making the effort. I love you more than life it self, you are my soul mate,( when was the last time you even uttered something close to that to me?) but I will walk away if I do everythign you asked, and I get nothing in return.



I hope you see this changein me pretty fast. Because starting today, I think you are going to be very happy to see my controlling side dissapear. Sure, Im still gonna text you every now and then, thats natural. Imay even ask 'almost done?' once in a while cause I miss you. But you will be able to see a huge difference in where that question comes from. I cant wait to see you after you see that this is all done with.



I love you and cant wait to cuddle tonight

me """"


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You say you know the guy. Then tell him to back off texting your wife. She's taken and not looking for new job applicants or buddies.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

LOSTfan said:


> How do I suggest that without sounding controlling. She doesnt want to get into a career here as we plan on moving to FL in a year or so anyways... And the only place she ever wanted to ****tail was at this place, long before this flirtation ever started.
> 
> As for the voice recorder, I dont have the money, and that makes me a little uneasy about such measures to spy. I may send a friend that she does not know there to see if she is up to anything during her shift. Its really hard not to believe her when she is so adament that she would never even think of doing something physical with someone else. And the texts I saw really werent that bad on her side, just his.... And the explanatio that it was just for an ego boost, and was harmless seems accurate ( still wrong) when you see that from her end, the messages sent werent bad.



Voice recorders start from 30-35 bucks.

Yes they seem very harmless now but considering you can't be with her 24/7 you need to act fast before the damage is done.

+1 on what anchorwatch said, just a few tricky words with a bad day at work would be enough for your wife to end up in his room.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Make sure your wife knows that even thought she see's it as fun and flirty, he wants to screw her. And don't allow her to say it's not like that. EVERY guy on this site knows he wants to get in her pants. 

End this. NOW.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

keko said:


> There is a point actually. When the job is dead she has more time to text/flirt with that guy.
> 
> Can you have a friend check her out at these hours? Or do you see her paystubs to see if she actually is working till these hours?


More time to text/flirt with the guy? Hell, if she's there for two more hours than she has to be (between the dead time of 11 PM and 1 AM) and the OM LIVES at the hotel, she has two hours to bang him if she wants!

She needs to QUIT this job ASAP!


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Toffer, you know that is not what I said.
> 
> I'm just dismayed that the very word "controlling" seems to be taboo around here. The fact is, some people really are controlling.
> 
> And my comment was a general one and not related to the OP at all, so that's my bad.


lamaga, my response wasn't to your post at all! I agree that people can be controlling. I sometimes have that issue too!. I believe that my response was geared more towards the words I saw the OP post!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LOSTfan said:


> When I stop the controlling, ill see the affection.


:rofl:

That's what EVERY cheater says.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LOSTfan said:


> How do I believe its no contact like she says, when he works there. She Says all texting and flirting has stopped, it was just an ego boost but its not worth hurting me over. And All phone communication has stopped, but i don't know what goes on at work
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Have you gone to pay him a visit yet? Why not?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LOSTfan said:


> I will say, I even stay up until she gets home at 1 or 2am, so we can share a quick meal and some cuddles and laughs to one of or dvr ed shows. So I'm only getting 5 hours of sleep staying up until 3.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 If you don't have to be at work till 11, why not just sleep longer? Adapt hours closer to HER work schedule.

Oh, and stop telling her to come home when the club is slow. That IS whiny and not attractive. I'd stay there later just because you said that.

Now, if you were to give her a REASON to come home earlier, that would be a different story. What are you doing to make yourself the most attractive option?


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## LOSTfan (Jun 12, 2012)

turnera said:


> If you don't have to be at work till 11, why not just sleep longer? Adapt hours closer to HER work schedule.
> 
> Oh, and stop telling her to come home when the club is slow. That IS whiny and not attractive. I'd stay there later just because you said that.
> 
> Now, if you were to give her a REASON to come home earlier, that would be a different story. What are you doing to make yourself the most attractive option?



But the reason I want her hom earlier is so its less time there, and less time im at home alone, thinking " is this the day she makes a mistake and goes up to his room"


I know its whiny... Thats the reason I came on here. How do I really drive the point above home, without being whiny


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## LOSTfan (Jun 12, 2012)

Aldo I wil say, I know all her passwords now, but she thinks that if I check up on her even once after this that Im just harping and not moving on, and looking for something to fight about... Part of that I agree with, but the other part of me says " how else can I be sure?"


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

LOSTfan said:


> But the reason I want her hom earlier is so its less time there, and less time im at home alone, thinking " is this the day she makes a mistake and goes up to his room"
> 
> 
> I know its whiny... Thats the reason I came on here. How do I really drive the point above home, without being whiny


You really have to get over thinking like this because that's not whiny, that's insecurity. (whether it is justified or not)


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

LOSTfan said:


> Aldo I wil say, I know all her passwords now, but she thinks that if I check up on her even once after this that Im just harping and not moving on, and looking for something to fight about... Part of that I agree with, but the other part of me says " how else can I be sure?"


What do you mean you agree with it? She's flirting with another man after midnight and you're not allowed to protect your marriage by simply checking up on her?

Monitor her without letting her know, such as look through her phone when she's in shower/sleeping, install a keylogger on the computer just to catch her incase she deletes sent emails or has a secret email account.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LOSTfan said:


> I know its whiny... Thats the reason I came on here. How do I really drive the point above home, without being whiny


 That's easy. You state your boundary, and you state the consequence if she crosses your boundary.

"I now feel uneasy about you spending time outside your shift at work, given that's where the potential for cheating is going on. I can't handle being with someone who chooses to stay there and have fun over coming home to me. Now, I'm willing to make changes to make coming home to me more fun, but if you choose to keep staying there, knowing that you're hurting me, I'll take that as a sign that you're not that invested in our marriage any more, so I'll start making plans to split up." 

And if she continues, despite you saying this, you then go to her with a written out plan for how to divide the assets. Ask for her input (this is her chance to take you seriously; if she doesn't then change, split up anyway).


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LOSTfan said:


> Aldo I wil say, I know all her passwords now, but she thinks that if I check up on her even once after this that Im just harping and not moving on, and looking for something to fight about... Part of that I agree with, but the other part of me says " how else can I be sure?"


 Bullhockey. SHE lost your trust. With HER actions. She NOW has to suffer the consequence of LOSING your trust.

Too bad so sad. If she doesn't like you monitoring her electronics, she's welcome to move out.

Until you reach this point - that point that ALL betrayed husbands have to ultimately reach - you have NO control over your marriage. (and she knows it)


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## LOSTfan (Jun 12, 2012)

turnera said:


> Bullhockey. SHE lost your trust. With HER actions. She NOW has to suffer the consequence of LOSING your trust.
> 
> Too bad so sad. If she doesn't like you monitoring her electronics, she's welcome to move out.
> 
> Until you reach this point - that point that ALL betrayed husbands have to ultimately reach - you have NO control over your marriage. (and she knows it)


But what if she really is being honest about not talking to him anymore... And all Im doing is beating a dead horse?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's not the point, Lost. The point is that she married YOU, not him, not her job, just you. She owes you her allegiance. Now, she especially owes you a little bit of extra effort. 

See, the thing is, most betrayed husbands come here terrified the wife is going to leave them. They can't stand up for themselves, she'll leave me. They can't say what they want, she'll leave me. They can't expose, she'll leave me. They can't set extra precautions (like not staying late at work), she'll leave me.

You are operating out of FEAR. Just like nearly every other BH. Because of that, all your actions will be the wrong ones, because they will be based on not pissing off your wife.

You'll go through hell, because of that. You'll start getting resentful. You'll start wondering what you're doing this for. You'll start to dislike her. Eventually, you'll grow to hate her and rue the day you met her. And you'll end up without her.

Now, do you want to follow the advice that WORKS? That's offered by people here who have been helping _hundreds_ of men in your exact same situation? Who know psychology and know WHY our advice works (we want what we can't have, and all)?

Or do you want to just keep operating out of fear, trying to control her by being a doormat, which makes her dislike you and want to cheat MORE? Only to find out that you never had any control over her at all? And you end up losing her anyway.

There is typically one thing ONLY that cheating women understand: strength. No appeasement, no negotiating, no asking. You TELL her what you require for you to stay married to her - including her coming home as soon as her shift is over and removing herself from the affair-inducing environment. Typically, we tell you to tell her she has to QUIT that job, if the OM will still be there. 

But if you don't stand strong on this one thing, you will just get to keep a wife who will KEEP cheating on you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

And it's not an argument. She will try to MAKE it one, so she can negotiate for what she wants. DON'T. You state what you must have, for now (so soon after the cheating), to stay with her. Then it's her choice - either do what you need, or you divorce. Her choice. You will not negotiate.


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## LOSTfan (Jun 12, 2012)

So I should state that I should be able to have access to all electronics. That even if work is dead, it's more important to come home. (see, she can clock out whenever she wants after a few hours, if its dead. She says she stays in case it gets busy again). I found myself having to negotiate, I said i won't check up on her and constantly text her at work asking when is she coming home.... With all that, even if she gets mad and defensive and says I'm being controlling and unattractive because I'm being insecure.... In the end she'll calm down and respect me more?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

I wouldnt mention a thing about the electronics, that's one way you can easily check up on her and if you tip her off then she will use other means to stay in touch with that guy. Rather focus on how she disregards your wishes about coming home early and staying in touch with the OM. Explicitly tell her to come home earlier and not to talk/text that person anymore.

Can you clarify where that guy works and his house is?

Do you have any friend or relative at her workplace which can check up on her after the dead hours?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LOSTfan (Jun 12, 2012)

Well We've already talked about the electronics, thats how I found out in the first place. She volunteered to stop all texting and would only speak to him if it was work related.

He is a security guard at the front door of this hotel/club. He lives in one of the rooms at this hotel. Hence my worry every time she goes to work. And I do have friends who could do that. But I feel if shes not doing anything, and I do that, the marriage is over anyways. At some point, don't i just have to have faith that she sipped?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Of course you don't have to have faith. Not after she CHEATED on you! Good grief! "Don't I have to..." is just doormat-speak for "I'm scared to put my foot down, scared she'll leave me."

Do you REALLY want to live THAT life?

Here is the typical list of betrayed spouses, once the wayward spouse agrees to stop cheating:
1)She writes him a No Contact letter stating she made a mistake and she wants to keep her marriage and never to contact her again. YOU read her letter (and if it's a love letter, you hand it back and say 'not good enough') and YOU send it to him.
2)She gives you all her passwords.
3)For the foreseeable future (til you feel a bit safer), she lets you know where she is at all times; you don't have to have a rundown of what she's doing, you just need to be able to verify where she is, should the need arise.
4)She agrees to marriage counseling, to figure out how she fell for this and for BOTH of you to figure out what's lacking so you can BOTH fix it (notice this is you admitting you could be a better husband), SHE finds one, and SHE sets up the appointment.
5)Normally, she would agree to quit the job where the OM is. I seem to recall that you guys didn't really need that money that much anyway, right? I'd tell her to quit if she wants to save the marriage, and start looking for a new one. Offer to help.


That's the bare bones of what you MUST have, in order for you to stay with her and give her a second chance. If you aren't approaching this all in terms of what chances you need to give her (i.e., she's lucky you are), then you are lost.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

That's tough call my friend. But right now you have a damn good reason to check up on her. I don't see it as marriage being over by your "snooping" but rather you fighting to save it.

It will take time to trust her deep down but due to the nature of her work and him being part of her work it will make it 10x worse/longer.

Is it possible for her to change her hours and days to where OM isn't working? Or even a less paying job with similar hours as yours?


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## LOSTfan (Jun 12, 2012)

asking to change hours in the waitress industry at a club is the easiest way to get fired. The money is too good, and theres plenty of girls who would gladly take over. And changing hours really wouldn't do much, as he lives there and is there possibly every hour of every day. I get it seems like I'm being a doormat. kind of... I think the problem is, shes never done anything like this before, she expressed remorse, but it seems like I'm making a bigger deal of this then she is because she viewed it as harmless at first. Which makes me feel like I'm trying much harder right now than she is. And Her personality is "we've talked about it, I apologized, I told you i would stop lets move on and stop harping.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

A few questions:
Who makes more, you or your wife?
Who's hotter, you or your wife?
How often do y'all get it on?
Have you ever initiated sexting with your wife or did you just ask her first?
Why are you in Vegas? Why stay?

Bottom line is that you probably need to up the dominance and attraction, not reduce it. How often do women hit on you?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

LOSTfan said:


> Tmobile my touch slide 4g but she showed me all the messages and I compared the number with the records swabs she def didnt delete any
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Just for information sake, texting can happen over the data plan(internet).


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

LOSTfan said:


> How do I believe its no contact like she says, when he works there. She Says all texting and flirting has stopped, it was just an ego boost but its not worth hurting me over. And All phone communication has stopped, but i don't know what goes on at work
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You know this guy right? Shouldn't you confront him? How dare he do that in your presence. Ask him to f*ck off


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## LOSTfan (Jun 12, 2012)

mach, I'd say we make about the same right now. She has the ability to make more with a really good night in tips. Sometimes as low as 50, or as high as 500.but I have the chance to make more being in line for a promotion soon. For looks, we're honestly both 9s. However it takes a lot less for her to be a 10. I really gotta groom and dress nice to be a 10. And when I'm home, id say I'm an 8. I'm sure she gets hit on every night at work, that doesn't bother me. And I get hit on whenever I'm out, with her our without. I've Tried to initiate the sexting countless times. I will admit, she finally responded and was great at it a couple days ago. Which led to me initiating and taking charge of the sex, which she loves and I'm uncomfortable doing. were in vegas cause of my job, if i don't get this promotion, we're going to make plans to move to fl
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LOSTfan (Jun 12, 2012)

Warlock, I texted him asking him what the f he was thinking flirting via text with my wife. He had the same answer as her, it was just harmless and that I shouldnt over react. I told him to stop
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LOSTfan said:


> Her personality is "we've talked about it, I apologized, I told you i would stop lets move on and stop harping.


Cheaterspeak for get over it already. She won't give you more than that until you show her in action that you EXPECT more.


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## LOSTfan (Jun 12, 2012)

After reading no more mr nice guy, I can happily say that my marriage has gone in the right direction. I quickly began to work on me and me only. My wife has seen the change in me and the way I treat her. I no longer fawn at her, and essentially be her slave. She respects the heck out of me now. And were both healthier for it. Sure there are bumps in the road, and sure neither one of us will be perfect. But I have the tools to learn from mistakes, and the love we have I getting stronger and stronger.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Good job!

Did you get the answers you needed yet?


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## *EarlyLove* (Jun 24, 2012)

ive been through the same thing kind of different...i too was a waitress at a bar...its hard to work there and be married...you have to be really friendly to guys and girls to get tipped well...what you are doing ex. having her check up with you when she gets there will only push her away further...my advice is to be completely oposite...try showing up for drinks w friends since you guys dont get much time together...one thing for sure...your so called "buddy" you need to check his butt now...asap...confront him face to face...i see no respect for you from him...


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## LOSTfan (Jun 12, 2012)

I've Stopped all nagging and smothering texts. Looking back, I laugh at myself when I re read them. It looked like a man possessed. Yea I know she has to add a little charm and a little flirt to maximize tips. I never really had a problem with that part. Thankfully I caught his flirty texts on day one. Read No more mr nice guy, and confronted the om. My wife has a different outlook on me and our marriage. 

On avg, I was sending 15 texts and 5 phone calls a day while she was at work, after what I found out. After dealing with the issue and reading nmmng, I avg one text, no calls. Because that book taught me to embrace my alone time to work on me. It promised that mw would recognize this self confidence, test it, and then almost fall in love with me all over again.and it worked like a charm. I can't emphasize this enough, nmmng and my effort on me saved my marriage and made it ten times better than it ever was. Because I worked on me. And put me first for once. I was ready for my new outlook on things to either send the marriage to the grave it was headed for anyways, oror make it the amazing healthy relationship it is today.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mettophobic (Jun 21, 2012)

You two dont have an issue with sexting or flirting or anything like that. You have an issue with trust. You both do. And if you have no trust, you have no marriage.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

People have to understand what type of person they marry.

If you marry a flirt, they'll probably continue to flirt in the marriage. If you marry a jealous person...same thing.

I dont think you were being unreasonable with your texts given the circumstances. I think men need to be more like men when it comes to their wives. Women are not property so ladies don't take this wrong - but men have to stand up for what is "theirs". If not the next guy is going to come right along and take it away.


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