# Exactly one year to the day he left & its even worse



## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

I remember this day so vividly last year. My H walked out of the house on New Years Eve at 1:40am and I did not hear from him until I called him at work 3 days later and he informed me he was not coming home. So here I am exactly the same day one year later and things are so out of hand. I have been trying to keep up a strong front all year long. 
1 for the kids sake and 2 cause nobody really wants to hear about it anymore. Well tonight I lost it I am exhausted mentally. I asked my H about his NYE and he stated he was at some party with all his new friends until the wee hours of the morning. Which is why he was exhausted when he came to see the kids that he kept falling asleep. I made a comment about it and he said he didn't come here to argue so he was leaving. I felt so bad for the kids, he was here for like 30 mins and wasn't going to stay to put them to bed. I said stay with the kids they are tired of you always walking away. (me too) He stormed out the door and I followed (big mistake!) He was trying to close his car door cause he didn't want to hear what I had to say and quite frankly I am so damn tired of him running that I tried to hold the door open and then I lost it. Completely lost it. I started screaming that I hated him, f*@k you, I hate you blah blah. I was pushing on his arm and then I slammed his door and continued to yell at him not to come back. I just snapped. I feel like a whole year has gone by and I have been patient, kind, hoping and waiting for him. I feel like I failed. He was out having fun on NYE and I was home by myself with the kids. Anywho...to make a long story longer my H drove over to the police station and filed a domestic abuse report against me. He apparently has a scratch on his face. Which could have quite possibly been from my ring. I am not sure. I did not claw at his face at all. So 1 1/2hr later kids are sound asleep (thank god) the cops show up and put me in hand cuffs!!! I have never been in hand cuffs in all my 39 years. I have never been arrested. They called my H to tell him he has to come watch the kids because they might be arresting me and taking me to jail. When he got here he was shocked he told the cops that this is not what he wanted to happen. (then why file a report?) He would not even look at my face. They told him that domestic violence is serious and it is a felony. (sweet) Needless to say they did not end up arresting me and just took a statement for the report. I am devastated! How could he do this? I can't even imagine the trauma the kids would have had if they saw their mommy in handcuffs. I am at such a loss right now. I love my H very deeply, however this hurt me even deeper. Right now I don't care if never calls me again.


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## millmant (Dec 23, 2009)

I only can say, i hope the best for you.

No offense intended, but I don't want to do that to my w who is asking for the D.

I wish you luck


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

Believe,

I am so sorry for you! what an ass! I have been there and done the same thing, for THE very same reason. why cant these men see how they are ripping families apart??

I know you have heard it all b4, Ive only been at this for just under 5 months. Mine is MLC and pretty much is day to day with what he does and thinks...it will drive you crazy if you let it...

Do for you and your kids, as so HARD as it is!

HUGS!


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

Believe, I am so sorry. Sometimes we snap, after trying to keep it together for so long. Maybe this happened to finally convince you to completely detach from this man. I wish you all the best!


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## whyminvrsatsfd (Nov 28, 2009)

Believe...I agree with Wren. The separation/divorce process is the same as the grieving process (denial, anger, sad, etc). You stayed stuck in the denial process for a very long time. All that time of staying sweet and devoted was a mask covering the anger and hurt building up. When youre crushed...it takes a LOT of effort to keep a smile on....and it didnt work. It will definitely cause an explosion. So now that reality has kicked in, just know your "outbursts" will only hurt you and the kids, and it will only benefit your husband proving he can still push your buttons and you still care. He doesnt deserve that pedastool, so knock him off of it. I've been through this situation, I know how traumatizing and hard it is. Start making a list of goals you want to accomplish FOR YOU and YOUR BABIES instead of having him as your goal. You'll accomplish a lot more, a lot faster. Good luck to you :0(


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## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Believe. Dont be so hard on yourself. I would like to scream and scratch his face on purpose too. My husbands not yours. I guess Im lucky the opportunity hasnt presented itself. I agree with the above you have been playing nice for quite sometime and it built up and spewed out. I think the goal list for you and your kids is a great idea. Think Im gonna steal that one. Its done now and lucky the kids didnt see it so forgive yourself and move on. Also you said its been a year and nothing has changed I bet if you really think about it there have been some changes and probably some positive ones.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

Wow! What a story! What an experience! I am also going to say that I am very sorry to read about these things that have happened. Thank goodness your little ones didn't have to see you carted off to jail!

From what it seems like, he wants to be single with no responsibility. For him not take the time to really spend with his children says a lot. What is it that the children have done? Not to say that you have done anything wrong either, but the children are victims who do not have any power.

For him to actual take that step to go to the police and make a report out against you should give you a clue as to where you are at this point. You may want to consider an attorney and get the process of a divorce underway. Don't keep putting yourself in this 360 degree merry-go-round constantly staying upset and holding in anger. In the long run (or short term), it could effect your health. Stress is a killer, and during these harsh economic times, there is enough stress. 

You and your children need closure. This is a new year... a chance for a fresh start. Give yourself that chance and take this opportunity.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

That was scary! Just for me to read this was surreal. You H was reactionary, as you were, and ran to the police to "tell." 

I'm not sure what he thought would happen. 

Believe a friend of mine said something to me a few months ago. I had spent all of this time and effort trying to salvage our relationship...virtually alone. I was crying on the phone...telling her how pitiful I was...asking him "why" all of the time. I was exhausted.

She told me "S....when someone divorces you from their heart. There is nothing that you can do. The rest is a piece of paper." It is true.

After a year, Believe, there is nothing else to do. You can't save this alone. You can't wish it. Think about it. You are in the same place as last year.


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## Hurtssomuch (Jan 2, 2010)

Wow Believe I am sorry to hear what happened. 

I am just starting this process. My H is not happy and he need time to decide whether he wants to be with me or not. I just hope things don't get this messy for us.

Maybe him seeing you about to get arrested will wake him up or smarten him up.

Good Luck


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Watch out, looks like he is trying to drive you over the edge and would do anything to get you in legal trouble.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Believe,
I am so sorry - this has been an awful year for you and you are correct - it is time to reassess and to begin to take things into your own capable hands.

You don't need this person in your life now Believe - 
You can begin taking charge of what is going on -

My H has driven me to similiar levels of anger - in fact I still have flashes of them now - 

It's frustration brought on by waiting for them to 'do the right thing' 

you are human that is why you finally lost it -
you know that we are here for you 
K


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

I think you just have to take the lead on the divorce process now. When they are willing to have you arrested for being angry at the damage they are doing, it's really just beyond anything a reasonable person should tolerate.

Very sad situation


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

Thanks everyone. You have no idea (or sadly you do) how alone I am feeling right now. It means so much to me to have people here that truly understand. I was thinking my god if I would have gone to jail and they said you have one phone call, I wouldn't have anyone to call. I have never felt so alone in my life. I treasure this board and all of you. I am trying to keep my head up and forge ahead. I sent H a text a little while ago saying "I am very disappointed in my actions as I am a much better person than that. I have worked very hard on myself. my anger is coming from the deep hurt that I am going through. i do not know how to express my pain. But it is something that I will be working on."
If nothing else as least I am trying to be the better, bigger person here. My kids need to see that.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Believe - 
you have nothing to feel sorry for -
you are hurting
that pure 
that simple
you don't owe him an apology 
you are a good strong person 
you were put in a horrible situation that's all that happened
he owes you an apology - but don't waste any time waiting for it...
be kind and gentle to yourself and start setting up those boundaries of protection 
once again we are here for you 
and we do understand the loneliness of it all 
K


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Believe said:


> Thanks everyone. You have no idea (or sadly you do) how alone I am feeling right now. It means so much to me to have people here that truly understand. I was thinking my god if I would have gone to jail and they said you have one phone call, I wouldn't have anyone to call. I have never felt so alone in my life. I treasure this board and all of you. I am trying to keep my head up and forge ahead. I sent H a text a little while ago saying "I am very disappointed in my actions as I am a much better person than that. I have worked very hard on myself. my anger is coming from the deep hurt that I am going through. i do not know how to express my pain. But it is something that I will be working on."
> If nothing else as least I am trying to be the better, bigger person here. My kids need to see that.



I'm new here, but I feel so badly for you and how you feel so alone. I also feel bad about the fact that your H drove you to those actions. I sure haven't reached the anger stage but I'm sure is will come. You are in my prayers.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

Thank you knortoh. It helps to hear those words. Everyone I have talked to about it blames me for acting out. 

Notaclue- Welcome. I have been reading your post and I am very sorry for your pain as well. It just isn't fair.

Today I am feel very confused. I haven't spoken with my H. He did text me today to say he was getting the kids and then he will leave them with the neighbor. (so he doesn't have to see me) I asked him about the rent, seeing as how it is due today. His response was I can't decide anything. What the hell that means I don't know. I did let him know via text that the only reason I am not going to pick the kids up myself is for their benefit. They were asking for him yesterday. I need to make sure he knows he is not my first priority anymore. 
I feel like I have been swimming against the current reaching out for the rope he has been holding and thinking I can almost grab it when he goes and pulls it out of the water to leave me there drowning in a sea of sharks exhausted and grasping for air. 
Today I feel like I will question everyone in my life as I clearly can't trust anyone if the one person I loved the most could actually almost have me arrested. I think I am still in shock. Now I question what else is he capable of?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Believe you have every reason to be in shock. 

He created this crisis and wonders why people are pissed! ha

Keep yourself safe and keep focusing on yourself and the kids.

He doesn't deserved much of our focus.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

LOL your right CW he doesn't deserve much of our focus.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Believe,
for now you have to begin treating him as though he is not your friend - he has betrayed your love and trust - but not everyone will -
CW, myself and many others here have had to learn to think of our spouses in a 'before and after kind' of way -
sounds like there are loads of practical matters that need attending to 
focus on these - for now expect nothing from him


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

It's going to be really hard. How do I put my emotions and love on the back burner while I treat him like he is not a friend? 
This whole thing sucks! I am so emotionally exhausted.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Well you could try remembering how badly he is treating you -
you don't have to stop loving him 
but you do need to protect yourself....
you may well love him to death - but he isn't being a friend to you right now 
I know it absolutley sucks 
I remember the day I decided to stop chatting and being warm and welcoming with my H - jsut stopped engaging with him on a personal level 
it felt weird and bad -
still does 
but I have to to make the boundary clear for myself...

I remember my friend txting me and telling me that I could do it - that I had spent way more time trying to work stuff out with him and being rejected constantly...

this equation worked for me


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

Believe,

I'm certainly not trying to beat you up while you're down but some of your actions over the past year could be signs of codependency. If you find yourself having a hard time setting goals for yourself and your kids (with no mention or involvement from H), you may want to do some research on codependency. Just a thought.

I wish you all the best.


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Believe said:


> Notaclue- Welcome. I have been reading your post and I am very sorry for your pain as well. It just isn't fair.


Thanks Believe,I have been reading your posts as well and my heart goes out to you and your children. What ever you did - he drove you over the edge on purpose and no man should do that. I think he wants you to act like that to give him an excuse to continue the abuse. I'm certainly no expert but maybe you just need to end it as hard as that will be ? 

I agree life isn't very fair. One thing we have is our children and we must try to stay strong to protect them at all costs.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

Dazed - Yes I am thinking the same thing about codependency. I have been researching it lately and learning alot. As much as it sucks to be like this at least now I am starting to see it and understand it. The only way to change anything is to acknowledge it first.


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

Believe, check out my resource referral thread. There are some excellent books on codepedency. You can pick them up on half.com or amazon for a few bucks. If you can't spend the money, I will be happy to send you a book or two myself.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

wren said:


> Believe, check out my resource referral thread. There are some excellent books on codepedency.


Believe,

Wren mentions "Codependent No More by Melody Beattie" in her resource thread. I learned A LOT about codependency from this book.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Notaclue said:


> Watch out, looks like he is trying to drive you over the edge and would do anything to get you in legal trouble.


:iagree:

So sorry all of this happened. Have you seen a lawyer yet? You really need to get the "ball in your court". He is probably a narcissist and delights in watching you lose control. I've certainly been there (no law enforcement involved). My estranged husband loves to make me look bad in front of everyone. I just make sure we never cross paths now. I'm denying him that pleasure! That's probably how you should handle your husband. Hang in there!


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

I'm sorry that this is happening to you Believe. 

First step is to pinpoint what you feel like you need from him. One of the reasons you may be hanging on emotionally is you feel that maybe all your needs aren't getting met, and I'm not just talking about the physical aspect. But then stop and think do I really want someone who almost got me arrested? Your not perfect Believe, and you may have played a role in that situation, but what he did took it a step further and really didn't need to be done, and by no means was it your fault. 

Just keep pushing forward Believe, I'm coming up on a year also when my H walked out and I at times feel the same way. I feel like I'm going in circles somedays, but if I really sit down and think about it, I have less drama in my life, A WHOLE LOT LESS. Yes I'm lonely, yes it hurts like hell, and yes it is so hard to raise children by yourself, but just keeping saying this in your head: This too shall pass.

I believe in you Believe!!


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

First let me start by saying that you are all wonderful souls. I love this board.  Ash thank you for believing in me cause these days I find it hard to believe in me. I even have a "believe" tattoo that I see everyday and it is still not sinking in too good. 
I saw H today when he picked up our D. He stayed in the driver seat as I put her in the back seat. This was the first time I saw him and the first spoken words since the incident. I reminded him of my yoga class tonight and he said yeah thats fine. He would not look at me. However, the side of his face that was suppose to be scratched did not appear to have anything on it. I am thinking that maybe that night it was a line that was swollen and a little raised but no broken skin. 
The other night I had to text him for something regarding the kids and I stated that "I hope sometime we will be able to talk, however I know right now that I am too upset, hurt, disappointed and confused. I am not feeling very trusting of anyone any more. My heart is completely broken."
I like the way I twisted it on him. He had said to my nieghbor he can't be around me right now. Well guess what? I don't want to be around you right now. He has been dropping the kids off at the neighbors. He is such an azz! 
I am sure he is wondering why I am not contacting him or texting him with questions or concerns for him. 
I hope he finally misses what he had. Cause now he is not eating dinner with the kids or giving baths or putting them to bed. 
Although I must say I am exhausted doing it all myself. Ugh!


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## neta303 (Jan 7, 2010)

I feel ur pain, I have been in ur situation, and can really relate to you... my husband left us this new years eve while I was in the hospital. I came home to find things gone and when I called he didnt answer and has not since. We have two kids 3yrs and 18 months and this is really said I have been married 6 months been together 6 yrs and but he has got caught cheating etc and is calling divorce now. so I dont know what to do... now! but u hang in there, dont get out of control bc of ur kids... I have been letting my husband do that to me now and he is getting the better of me. So stay strong, I am going through the same as you... break down and just cry if you have to that is what I have been doing, call ur girlfriends or anyone, get out there and start making friends U GOT TO!!!! otherwise u will go crazy. u have to have people to occupy ur time and mind. take care


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

I must say that people that have responded to my thread have been so amazing. However I am completely disgusted by the a holes who have been judging me and writing horrible things about me on someone else's thread. This board is here to help people get through a terrible time in their lives. It helps people to see things from a different perspective and to have support from people who understand. I know in my case there are very few if any who really want to hear about my marriage crisis. If they have never been there they truly don't understand. Which is why this board has been so helpful. I do not come here and judge anyone. It is not my place to make judgements of people in general. Live and let live. Jesus, some people just suck! I have to go to bed and try to keep my head up and stay positive. Being kicked while your down is not a good feeling.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Ignore those who are judging Believe. They really don't know you and the details of your situation. 

I would stop texting him with personal details regarding your relationship with him. Just communicate regarding the kids/mutual business. It's time to put the ball in your court. Let him feel the pain of separation/divorce. He needs to know the feelings.


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## findingpeace (Mar 14, 2009)

I know exactly how you feel it has been one year since my wife walked out the door she has been seeing the guy whom she cheated on me with on and off has lied to me so many times i understand the painful frustration you are going thru I always hope that all relationships will get back together but unfortunatly this seems to be waht happens the least it is so sad to see so many people having problems with their marriages I often wonder how Love can turn sour I will never understand this as long as i live well may the good lord bless you and your family and I just pray for the best ... Good Luck


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

Love turns sour because people take the other person for granted. They stopped seeing them as their favorite person or the person they care about the most in the world and look at them as though they have become the enemy. 
I feel like I have been kicked in the gut again. My H just told me he is taking the kids over to his new place. (so I guess no more sleeping on someone's sofa) He seems so smug and happy about it. He said the kids are really gonna like it. (who cares they have a home already, its not friggin Disneyland for christ sakes) Makes me sick to think that now the kids will be spending time away from me and away from their home. I didn't ask for this!!!!! I want my kids with me as much as possible. Its bad enough that I have to work full time and be away from them so much. I am sitting at work crying like a dumbazz. I am resisting this so much because I don't know how to let it go. I really don't. 
Now I don't know how much he will be helping me with the rent. I cannot afford to stay where I am if not. But my neighbors are all I have. They are wonderful and the kids have friends there. Not to mention I have 3 dogs. It's not easy finding a place that will take even one dog. Grrrrrr it feels like I can't breathe.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Believe what do you feel about filing for a separation or divorce? 

That would give you more financial rights then relying on his generosity. It will also give you some measure of control.

You may be like I was..unwilling to make the first move. I wanted him to take the responsibility of divorcing my azz. I wanted him to feel whatever pain was involved in filing-all of it.

However, if I would have waited much longer...I would have pulled the plug. I feel such a relief to know my place and have some direction.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

Oh Corpus I wish I could move forward. But filing? Never. That's his deal and I would never have the heart to do it. 
My poor children are so confused right now. They went and saw Daddy's new place. My D was very excited. You know its something new and different. The novelty will wear off soon. (I hope)
He did not explain anything to them. It drives me crazy. I tried to talk to them. I promised them again that I will never leave them. I tried to explain that all of this makes mommy sad. I don't say anything bad about daddy. I always tell them that mommy loves daddy very much. It is so damn hard to raise children as it is, why add all of this to it as well. It really takes at least 2 people together.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Believe - this is a tough time for you 
very tough 
you will find a way to cope without the kids - but at first you will feel it badly - have a plan in place - see friends at this time etc.
Aside from that I am going to add my voice to CW's and suggest that it is time for you to getting things in order to protect your rights.
You are not responsible for his behaviour -
only yours. 
This is what he is doing for now - and you have to find your strength to go on as best you can.
I am 6 months further down the track than you 
it does get easier 
but it may get harder before that happens...
we are here for you and support you 
take care


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Believe,

It will be difficult regarding your time without the kids, I'm not going to lie to you about that. It just is -- I've been there -- I'm still there with my son. It pains me about the little things I miss. All you can be is supportive of them. Be happy around them.

I would stop saying you love your H to them. I just would. It just makes it harder on them to see you two apart. Just let them know you love them, more than anything.

I agree with CW and K that you need to move things along for you. It is gut wrenching and painful - but necessary for your sanity and peace of mind. It does get better most days. We all have our sad or down moments -- but use this time for reflection of what you want out of life. What do you want to do for you?

Peace.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

I just spoke with my H. Yes actually a conversation on the phone. I tried to explain to him how hard this is on me and it is going to take me some time. I tried to explain my actions that horrible night. He doesn't get it. He feels perfectly fine about going to the police. He said that is what he had to do in case one of the neighbors saw the fight and called the cops. He said they would have arrested him and deport him. I did say to him very calmly if you are 100% sure and have no regrets for leaving then there is nothing I can do. I have to concentrate on the kids right now. They are having a hard time. 
He did flip something on me (well he usually does) He said that I was getting too comfortable having him come over the house all the time. He thinks that is why I had a meltdown. Here I was thinking that he was just taking advantage of the situation by coming over all the time.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Ahh Believe, I hurt for you. I know that feeling. I don't know if anything that I have to say will help. I wish there was a quick and easy fix. There really is only one thing that you can do and that's to let it go. Something happened to me today, I had been holding my breathe for something miraculous to happen and it didn't. It hit me like a ton of bricks and my chest still hurts. But you know what? I can either continue to sit around and believe that something will happen or I can just let it go call him a douche and move on. And no I don't want to and know I think its ****ed up what he did to me and my kids ( and I'm sure you feel the same) but what can I do? Nothing but just get my life in order accomplish my goals put my best foot so far up his ass (figurativly speaking) that will leave him scratching his head saying why did I leave her again?


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

Good advice Ash. 
I just hope that we will all still on the board to hear the wonderful stories to follow. I can't wait to hear about when everyone's exes finally come crawling back or at least admit how dumb they were to leave.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Believe, I'm sorry you have been feeling so bad. Ash is right, moving on is your only choice and the only one that is good for your kids, at this point. If it will help you let go, file for the divorce yourself--the reason you give for not filing suggests to me that you interpret HIS failure to file as a sign of hope from him, and I suspect you would be much better off if you decided you do NOT want him back, no matter what. Sounds like you would be, from what you have to say. It's the hanging on that's so painful now, not the loss--he's gone and has been gone for quite some time. I hope this does not come across as harsh, because it isn't meant to be at all. You put your life on hold, waiting for him, and it's too much--he does not deserve the opportunity to come back, and you cannot live in limbo. I don't think anyone can. Can you get some counseling to help you move on?

I'm so glad you didn't get arrested. I think it is important to recognize that your acting out is a sign you've reached your limit and you must do whatever it takes to move on. If you do not, the next time you might not be so lucky.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Your ex may be right in this one...in an indirect way.

You need your space to gather yourself Believe. He doesn't care much for you and your feelings. Once you don't have to hang around him on a daily basis it will be weird but freeing in a way.

When my ex left, and I managed NC, it felt like a black cloud leaving the house. No other way to describe it. I hope you eventually feel this way. It's no life walking on eggshells.

I understand not filing. I was the same way.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

Thanks guys. Your right. 
I just set up an appointment for this Saturday to get counseling. 
I really need to get all of this out of my system. 
Now H has gotten really good at just ignoring my text messages. I told him if he didn't want me to text him to just let me know either way. He of course ignored that also. He is really pushing me away now and it is still killing me. He seems so cold now.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

Believe,

I don't know if you're the "New Age" type but I am reading a book that has helped me tremendously - 'The Power of Now' (Eckhart Tolle). It is helping me realize that our lives are about *THIS* very moment. Not about what happened yesterday or last month or last year. Not about what's going to happen tomorrow or next month. Focus on and live in the present moment. See it, hold it, treat it like a precious stone. 

THIS moment is the only thing we have. What are you going to do with it?


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## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

D8zed said:


> Believe,
> 
> I don't know if you're the "New Age" type but I am reading a book that has helped me tremendously - 'The Power of Now' (Eckhart Tolle). It is helping me realize that our lives are about *THIS* very moment. Not about what happened yesterday or last month or last year. Not about what's going to happen tomorrow or next month. Focus on and live in the present moment. See it, hold it, treat it like a precious stone.
> 
> THIS moment is the only thing we have. What are you going to do with it?


Well said and excellent advice. We have to live in the here and the now. Spending so much energy on someone who only gives off negative vibes can be extremely harmful. Life is far too short. 

You have to give him time to miss you. You haven't given him that. But even if he doesn't miss you... in time, he will see everything in a different light. By then, it will be too late and he will have to live with his choices.

Be strong and keep the faith.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

That is one of my favorite books! However, I haven't read it lately and I think I need a refresher on it. They also have Eckhart Tolle TV on the internet. I need to check it out. Actually that book helped alot with controlling the thoughts spinning around in my head and it completely stopped my road rage. I drive an hour each way for work. I had downloaded the MP3 of Eckhart and Oprah's course they had. You should check it out or I can send you the files. It is awesome.
It is so true. The "now" is all we have.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

DS: It's very powerful when a spouse has time to miss you. I think that Believe will see that it will work in her favor-one way or another.

Believe...I think you can take control.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

Well there hasn't been much communication since the 3rd. Before that terrible fight we spoke several times a day and texted each other. Now maybe a couple of text messages strictly about the kids. He is no longer coming over and hanging out with me and the kids until they are tucked in and sound asleep. I hope he is somewhere thinking how quiet and lonely it is without the kids and the night time routine. It has to hit him sometime! He has never missed out anything in the past year, including every holiday and birthday.He never faced a single consequence for his actions. He had his cake and ate it too. I mean seriously he spent alot of quality time with the kids.He was there almost every night for dinner and bath/bed time. The 4 of us went out to breakfast on Sundays again and spent the day together. We were even still having sex.
I keep going back to the night of the fight. That was going to be first time since he left that he was going to hang out after the kids were asleep to watch a movie with me. Darn, I messed that up and big time too. Because now he won't even come in the house. Oh well, everything happens for a reason right?


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Believe things are moving in a new direction.
I think that things are going to get better for you 
I really do.


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## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

Believe said:


> The 4 of us went out to breakfast on Sundays again and spent the day together. We were even still having sex.
> I keep going back to the night of the fight. That was going to be first time since he left that he was going to hang out after the kids were asleep to watch a movie with me. Darn, I messed that up and big time too. Because now he won't even come in the house. Oh well, everything happens for a reason right?


Believe... as hard as this may be to hear, you my dear, are going to have to believe. You have to believe that you are going to make it through this. You have to believe that through this experience, you are going to be stronger. You have to give him options just like he has given you options.

Your husband is not going to change or respect the martial relationship because yo have not given him a choice. He has given you a choice. You have the choice of dealing with this everyday and walking on eggshells or not. So far, everything seems to be on his terms. Well... limit his options. Control the things that you can control. Change the things that are within your reach.

No matter what, you have children that you have to protect and be there for. You should turn more of your attention to watching over your cubs. By doing that, you give him less of your time and attention. Change the direction of the winds to become favorable for you. Take back your life.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

"If you need to make everyone (husband) conform in order to feel good about yourself and your world, you will never experience freedom."


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

Ok just a quick update. 
I have been doing the whole staying away bit now for 3 weeks. My H came to the house one night this week to take care of the kids until I got home at 8. So we are not really talking. Last night was the first night he asked to speak to me on the phone when he said good night to the kids. He just said "I was calling to check in on the kids. How is everything?" blah blah and good night. 
Can I just say that this no contact business is not helping at all!!!!!
I don't think he is missing me or the family. He has lots of free time. He's not complaining about that now is he! See this way he doesn't have to deal with any thoughts or emotions if he just stays away. It seems that running from things are normal for his family.
Meanwhile, I am doing all the work with the kids in the mornings and at night. I am friggin exhausted. 
So now what do I do?


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Believe, you have to interact with your H because of the kids. So the no contact rule probably won't apply when children are involved. What you need to learn to do and what I'm trying now is to emotionally detach from my W. CPT posted a website that talks about emotional detachment. 

Here it is:
Developing Detachment | LIVESTRONG.COM

The key is not to ignore your spouse but to learn to use the detachment process to keep them from controlling you and your feelings.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Believe: No contact is difficult with kids. I say NC unless it's about kids/mutual business. You don't have to be with him or in the same room when he's with the kids.

The point to NC is to help detach and clear your head. Of course, it also ceases the chasing behavior...that keeps THEM running. They don't always come back. 

However, it's healthier for you to not be left another year in LIMBO and walking on eggshells while he is hanging around the house.

He can still help with the kids. Have him come in the evenings and help. You can stay in your room or go out or visit a friend. You name it but be unavailable. Let him get dinner/baths/etc. You come home for the good night kiss. 

Basically make some modification of the schedule. Make a schedule and give it to him. The kids will then have something to look forward to. Just an idea.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

We have been texting about the kids all along. But no small talk anymore. No more how are you doing? I still feel like it just makes it easier for him to walk away and feel ok about it. Without me being all nice and caring, he can now convince himself that I am a b**** and that he is right by leaving. I was trying to be nice today but he is very cold and bitter. He says that I make him mad. I texted back letting him know that No one is capable of making him feel any certain way, that is totally in his control. He doesn't get it. I am starting to doubt that he EVER will. Too bad for him, cause in the end he is the one missing out of being part of a terrific family. Now his immediate family is in another country and he doesn't have one here either. Hope he discovers how lonely life can be. You can't run from that forever.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

Notaclue- That is a great link. Thank you for the info. 
CW - I must say clearing my head is making me face reality instead of trying to pretend that things were great. I have not wanted to look at that part of it. But I can't ignore that anymore. He is a very difficult person to talk with. He is very thick headed and always thinks that no matter what he is right. Every discussion we have ever had that doesn't turn out in his favor is what he called an argument. He has always hid things from me and I just found out that he is still doing that. He told his friend to not add me as a friend on facebook for their bands page so I can't see all the info on the page. He is a child in a man's body. Grrrrrrr. Hopefully someday I can find a real man.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Believe things are moving along for you now - you are sounding much stronger -


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Believe said:


> He is a child in a man's body. Grrrrrrr. Hopefully someday I can find a real man.


Believe, I know you will and now you know what to look for in a new spouse.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

As CW said, the NC is more about YOU. Sounds like there is still lots of contact ("I texted back letting him know that No one is capable of making him feel any certain way, that is totally in his control."). 

I think you're making progress but I still detect some co-dependencies.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

D8zd has a point...

This is about HIM. You have to detach from HIM as much as you can. The small talk shouldn't happen at all. 

The reality is that for one year you have been waiting on him to come around. He didn't. 

That is a sufficient amount of time for him to "get it." Now he is wasting your time. 

I'm all about "no regrets" and I tried everything to save my marriage. One year is too long to wait around and pretend. If you would have said 2 months...then maybe it would be beneficial to continue like you have. 

Alot can happen in a year. You are saying nothing has changed.

He will make up any excuse to leave, he is of that mindset. Whether it's his unhappiness or you are a b*tch. It doesn't matter.

Let him feel pain. Yes. You will feel pain as well but the key is focusing on yourself more and him less...WAY LESS.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

Well today makes 2 years since my father died. That was the first man to leave me and started the ball rolling. 
I am remembering him fondly today. He was an amazing man. Married to my mother for 54 years. Devoted husband and father. He had a great sense of humor and then in his later years he became very emotional and it was nice to see. I am glad that he didn't get to see how my life turned out. He would have been so upset that my H left, especially with 2 little ones at home. 
I am sure he has gone on to bigger and better things. He lived a good life and I am positive he was rewarded for it. 
Rest In Peace


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

A nice remembrance. Amen.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

It's wonderful that you had your parents marriage as a role model Believe. What a blessing to have that in your history.

Nice post...


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

UGH! I am so friggin exhausted. 
So my H says to me today (again) how the kids behave so great for him and that I have to stop babying them. He went on and on about how I don't do this or do that. Meanwhile I have been so positive and complementing him on the things he does do for them. So I calmly told him that maybe he is not aware of it but all he does is point out everything I do wrong with the kids. Never anything about what I do good with them. Then he called back a few minutes later to say I don't want you to think that I am putting you down. (well then what the hell do you call that?) There are so many things I could say to him about what he does that I do not like but what purpose would that serve? none, so I keep my mouth shut. If he is so d*** worried about how I am doing things then why did he leave if he is so great? There are days when I think I am done! I do not want to deal with this s*** anymore. I am tired, I am over it. This walking on eggshells and trying to be all positive and nice is a bunch of crap when I really feel like telling him off and where to go. Anywho......guess it is one of those days. I am upset because he won't be helping me out tonight or tomorrow night with the kids cause he is busy. What about me????? When do I get the chance to be busy. He has every single godd**** night to himself.

Like I said before I need a real man!!!!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Is it possible that he is right? Mothers do have a tendency to baby their kids, while fathers tend to want their kids to experiment and take risks - it's how they learn.

As for you, what _are_ you doing for yourself? You have to take care of yourself, to be a good mom. Are you seeing a counselor?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Believe: I would cut those type of conversation short if possible. You don't have to listent to his commentary on your parenting. REAL husbands get to have that role. 

Say you have to do the laundry or clip your toenails the next time he brings up something you don't want to hear. As of now, you have the larger load of work with the kids. You do what is best and you already know what that is....bring in that confidence.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

Thank you CW. I like the clip my toenails excuse. 
I have starting seeing a therapist about 3 weeks ago. She is wonderful, I think I have finally found my match (as far as therapist go) She has been giving me homework. Things to think about and write down. 
I think I have been babying my kids because I see how much they are hurting since Daddy left. I want them to feel safe and secure and to know that I am always here and that I will never leave.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

IMO, the best way for a child to feel safe and secure is to know that he or she can accomplish something. It's the having to rely on your parent that makes you feel scared - what if they disappoint you? They've already experienced that. Help them out by giving them small tasks to perform - be responsible for their own homework, help you cook dinner, help you shop for groceries (give them a list for a couple items and let them figure out where they are), ask them to empty out the trash cans in the house, feed the cat, call up their own friend to play...tons of little ways you can give them some independence, no matter what the age.

There was an amazing article in Time a couple months ago called Helicopter Parents, and shows how much damage we're doing by protecting our kids so much. I recommend that everyone go back and find it. Really eye-opening.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

turnera: The "helicoptor parents" is an interesting concept that we have "given" our children. Good read.

Believe: Great that you met your match counseling wise....you sound strong.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

Ok so now that H has rented his own place, he is telling me he can not afford to keep paying 1/2 my rent and that maybe I should think about moving. UGH! I am not moving, I rent a house each child has their own room and I have 3 dogs. My neighbors are absolutley wonderful and are right here if the Kids or I need anything. They are the only reason I feel safe living here alone. The past couple of days H has been acting very juvenile. It drives me crazy. I actually have found myself questioning why I even want this man back. But I still do. Grrrrrr


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Believe, have you had legal advice yet?
This sounds like a worrying development. And one that I am familiar with. It sounds like it is time to organize some protection for you and your kids - 
He can't make you move =- but he may start withdrawing financial support - do yo have a back-up plan?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

YOu need to go to a lawyer and fill out forms that will MAKE him provide for his kids. You can still get back together, but protect your family first.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

No I have not looked into anything regarding a lawyer and do not have a back up plan. Making him pay something legally will not help me. he works on a cash basis so he can say he makes whatever he wants. I would probably end up shooting myself in the foot. I have not heard the word Divorce lately so I do not know what he is doing.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Actually, a judge would determine how much he HAS to provide to you, based on past history, no matter how much he makes now. And if he suddenly doesn't have any income and refuses to pay, his wages will be garnished (for those people who pay him legally, filing SS #s) and he can be found in contempt of court. It's not quite as easy to be a deadbeat dad any more.


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