# He's depressed, feels like a failure, and wants to give up. What can I do?



## LonelyNLost

Some of you read my "H needs 5 days away to find himself" thread and know the saga. 

He's home and all he found out is that he hates himself. He takes all the blame for everything that's gone wrong in our marriage. I've truly forgiven him for his EA 4 years ago, I see it as a learning opportunity, and I'm actively pursuing and trying to work on our marriage. I know it's not beyond repair, I truly know we've got a good thing going. And it's really only been a couple of months of this rut, where we just can't seem to find common ground or understand the other. He takes it all to heart.

We had a discussion yesterday where he talked about how perfect I am and how I am the most amazing person he's ever met. He doesn't see any flaws. Anything I do that's negative, he takes as a reflection of his actions. He talks about how giving I am and I never take. I am selfless and he feels selfish. He says he takes and takes and messes things up and he doesn't think the past will ever go away. Every time I try to make things better or suggest something he takes it as a failure. So in the process of keeping me on this pedestal, he's sacrificed himself. He went on and on about how much he loves me and always will and how it kills him to think that I doubt that. I end up begging and pleading for him to give us a chance and let me prove to him that things can be better. He won't give individual counseling or marriage counseling a try. He says he can't even talk to his friends or family about how he feels, so how can he open up to a stranger. And he also fears that a marriage counselor would identify any wrongs in me and he couldn't bear that. 

This is killing me. I've never felt so powerless in my life. One moment he's telling me he thinks our marriage has run its course, but when I try to talk to him and rationalize and question things he can only say "I don't know". He can't look me in the eyes and say "It's over" because he says that's too final. But he feels like we've just grown apart. I cried and sobbed uncontrollably and he came to hug me and I felt like I wanted him to hold me but that I also need to detach. I know I need individual counseling, but what can I do about him? Should I just keep loving him in his love language and hope he snaps out of this? His parents are aware that he's depressed. I communicate with his mom about this all and everyone's hearts are breaking. He says the only thing that he feels like he's not a failure at is being a father to our kids. Help me.


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## boutrosboutros

I hate to put it in these blunt terms, but if he's really depressed I don't think there is much you can do. He needs to sort out those problems himself, and with professional help. The only thing you can do is persuade him to seek it, any way you can.

I speak from experience here, because my father's depression and lack of willingness to deal with it destroyed my parents' marriage. My mother didn't want to leave him and ended up staying by his side for far too long even though it made her horribly unhappy and she was wasting many good years. I wouldn't wish that on anybody.


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## anx

> Should I just keep loving him in his love language and hope he snaps out of this?


 This and hope for MC. Hopefully you get good suggestions in IC of what to do. Keep the pressure on for MC and hope he cracks. Tell him that you both made mistakes and both need to work together to fix it.

There is no silver bullet or right path that will get this fixed.

Hes going to crack one way or another. He won't be able to keep this up. Get him parents or friends to support MC and I think he won't have an option. Its hard for him to hear stuff from you.


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## LonelyNLost

anx said:


> This and hope for MC. Hopefully you get good suggestions in IC of what to do. Keep the pressure on for MC and hope he cracks. Tell him that you both made mistakes and both need to work together to fix it.
> 
> There is no silver bullet or right path that will get this fixed.
> 
> Hes going to crack one way or another. He won't be able to keep this up. Get him parents or friends to support MC and I think he won't have an option. Its hard for him to hear stuff from you.



Thanks, I look forward to being able to get some things out in IC. I've told him we are both responsible and we both have to work together to fix it. 

I'm afraid of him cracking in the bad way. His mom is pushing for MC. I spoke with her tonight and she suggested a trial separation where he stays with them for a specified amount of time, and then saying in return for that we do marriage counseling once a week. No one else knows anything. He's opened up to NO ONE. 

I checked out online marriage counseling and it's like $3 per minute. But he opens up to me more in text, so maybe he'd be open to that? Idk. Right now he's doing as much as he can at work so he doesn't have to come home. Too bad his kids are the ones that suffer.


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## anx

> I spoke with her tonight and she suggested a trial separation where he stays with them for a specified amount of time, and then saying in return for that we do marriage counseling once a week.


 This is a really good option.

It almost sounds like people when they are alcoholic or addicted to something. They lie and close up and get backed into a corner. Its really hard to get them unstuck. 
I had a really good friend just enter alcohol treatment and he had built up so many lies and debts and couldn't get out.

Give him good options like this, so that when he breaks, he chooses one of the good options. Keep up the love and pressure towards MC.

THE FOLLOWING IS PROBABLY A STUPID IDEA, but it was funny to me at the time.
Personally, I don't know that I could resist trading sex/handjobs for mc, but I'm a weak person like that. Is my love language too though.


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## LonelyNLost

anx said:


> This is a really good option.
> 
> It almost sounds like people when they are alcoholic or addicted to something. They lie and close up and get backed into a corner.
> 
> Its really hard to get them unstuck. Give him good options like this, so that when he breaks, he chooses one of the good options.


I want to see if I can get him to relax a little around here first. But I will mention this option in the coming days. I want to finish my convo with his mom tomorrow first. He just doesn't want to make any commitment to working on the marriage because that's trying, and he has nothing left to give. And I'm afraid of that option, because I can see him saying, "I can leave when I want, MC or not!" So I'll wait on that. But it would be nice if we could "date" or something. He just feels it's beyond repair.


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## KangSupporter

It sounds like his love language is anything that has to do with him. Is this a common scenario in your relationship? An issue presents itself and he immediately begins the self-criticism? I'm certainly no expert, but this degree of self-loathing smells like someone is fishing for attention. It think as long as you continue to enable him he'll keep using it to deflect from actual work and refocus the issue where he wants it- all on him. 

Stop enabling him. When he begins the grandiose failure talk, either walk away and shut down the conversation or answer with, "Yep. You sure are heading straight into being a huge failure. Now what are _you_ going to do about it?" Then turn around and leave the room for him to answer it himself. Because in the end, his issues have nothing to do with you.


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## LonelyNLost

KangSupporter said:


> It sounds like his love language is anything that has to do with him. Is this a common scenario in your relationship? An issue presents itself and he immediately begins the self-criticism? I'm certainly no expert, but this degree of self-loathing smells like someone is fishing for attention. It think as long as you continue to enable him he'll keep using it to deflect from actual work and refocus the issue where he wants it- all on him.
> 
> Stop enabling him. When he begins the grandiose failure talk, either walk away and shut down the conversation or answer with, "Yep. You sure are heading straight into being a huge failure. Now what are _you_ going to do about it?" Then turn around and leave the room for him to answer it himself. Because in the end, his issues have nothing to do with you.


While it does seem like deflection, I can see true pain in his eyes. I think it's something called toxic shame, brought on by the pain he caused me with his EA years ago. He doesn't like the attention. That's why he won't talk to anyone. He hates that I worry about him. He is selfish in some ways, but not with attention. 

I guess tough love would be my next step. He does have issues, but they stem from his relations with me. I'm not a perfect person, I know that. But I've looked in the mirror and I can like what I see. I know I have changes to make and I'm changing. He looks in the mirror and decides he's a piece of crap and doesn't know what to do about it.


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## bluesky

I could be wrong, but something seems OFF here.

Are you sure this isnt an attempt at control or manipulation?


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## LonelyNLost

bluesky said:


> I could be wrong, but something seems OFF here.
> 
> Are you sure this isnt an attempt at control or manipulation?


Everything seems off! I don't think he has this master manipulator in him though. If he is completely manipulating, I don't know what for. And he'd be one hell of an actor. Not sure how he can hide all that for 14 years. He's not one for control. And he is constantly apologizing for not knowing what to do and having nothing to give. 

The ladies in my other thread called manipulator. But I got lots of different views. I know it all sounds pathetic, and really it is, on both of our parts. But I don't know what he'd have to gain?


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## KangSupporter

Freedom. And yeah, I agree with bluesky. Something is going on.

You seem like a loving and supportive wife, so it pains me to say that it kind of looks like he's heading out the door. I think he might be pulling the "I'm such a piece of ****!" card as a way of laying blame anywhere but his shoulders if he does leave. 

"I'm worthless! I'm nothing! I can't get get anything right!" If he leaves and an affair is discovered, it's not like you can really be surprised, right? He TOLD you he can't get anything right, didn't he? He's already openly admitted to being a failure, so you can't really blame him for failing at marriage. 



> He says the only thing that he feels like he's not a failure at is being a father to our kids.


This is a red flag. He's openly talking about still being a good father because he doesn't want to lose his kids. It sounds like he's specific things like this because he knows there will be some type of custody arrangement in the near future.


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## LonelyNLost

KangSupporter said:


> Freedom. And yeah, I agree with bluesky. Something is going on.
> 
> You seem like a loving and supportive wife, so it pains me to say that it kind of looks like he's heading out the door. I think he might be pulling the "I'm such a piece of ****!" card as a way of laying blame anywhere but his shoulders if he does leave.
> 
> "I'm worthless! I'm nothing! I can't get get anything right!" If he leaves and an affair is discovered, it's not like you can really be surprised, right? He TOLD you he can't get anything right, didn't he? He's already openly admitted to being a failure, so you can't really blame him for failing at marriage.
> 
> 
> 
> This is a red flag. He's openly talking about still being a good father because he doesn't want to lose his kids. It sounds like he's specific things like this because he knows there will be some type of custody arrangement in the near future.


Geez, thanks for the vote of confidence. There's more to the story than what's here. He gets really upset and even more down when I make a comment like "you'll have a girlfriend in two weeks" or "do you have someone talking in your other ear?" He goes back to me thinking it's about him not wanting me and he reassures me it's not that. Of course I'm suspicious. 

He's also said he will take all the blame, because no one can hate him more than he hates himself. He feels like he's a good father, but he's saying he doesn't even feel himself at work. And he's good at his job. 

I don't think he'd go to these lengths if it were an act. That would be extreme. Especially knowing what the EA years ago did to me. And all the "protecting" he tries to do of me. I wish I had money for a keylogger. For peace of mind, I guess. But I'd be lying if I said I haven't thought about this. Some things would make sense but others wouldn't. And he is going to go stay with his parents for awhile. That's where this is headed, unfortunately. I hope I'm not a big sucker.


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## KangSupporter

I really don't think there's much more you can do, LonelyNLost. Continue supporting him in getting a hold of his depression and see what happens.

In the mean time, keep taking care of yourself. Make that therapist appointment, get some exercise, all the usual stuff. And when he goes to stay with his parents, make a point to drop the kids off to him an evening or two and spend time with friends. Focus on the good your doing for yourself because that's the only thing you can do on your end.


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## anx

> The ladies in my other thread called manipulator. But I got lots of different views. I know it all sounds pathetic, and really it is, on both of our parts. But I don't know what he'd have to gain?


It took my wife and I 8 months of MC to realize HOW similar our issues, hurts, and problem spots were. Despite wildly different personalities, fighting styles, EVERYTHING, our CORE issue was neither of us was able to make the OTHER person feel listened to and respected. Once that was realized and we know how to get around that, everything snapped in place.

I've read this in a TON of peoples stories. If their spouse would write a post, it would read virtually the same. Same hurts, same fears, same sore spots.

I think you both are similar and have a blind spot on some issues. Figure those out.


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## LonelyNLost

Thanks, Kang. I feel like there's nothing more for me to do but back off. I hope this wasn't a mistake, but I sent a message to his best friend on facebook. He lives across the country, but he's a good guy going through some marriage issues himself. I just told him that my H is in a bad place and he could use a good friend. He wrote back and said how he was worried about him too. He said he knows what he has is great and doesn't want anything else, but he's having some sort of inner conflict. Weird.

I am going to a counselor on my own on Wednesday. I'm taking care of myself and my kids. We're working on our separation agreement and it gives me one night per week to go out while he's here with the kids. I'm keeping busy. That's all I can do!


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## LonelyNLost

anx, I totally agree, we're aware of the issues. It's just getting him to open up enough to get there. I wish he'd just commit! He's at his parent's house right now talking to his mom. He hasn't left for good yet. I did talk to his best friend tonight on facebook, and he's worried about him too. Thinks it's a midlife crisis or something (at 34?). He had one of those at 30! I was vague about our issues, but just thanked him for being a good friend to H and that I hope they communicate.


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