# Struggling



## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

Hi everyone,

I am back after quite some time away. I have missed the insight from those here!

If you are interested, you can read my old posts. 

If not, current situation...H is overseas working. Been gone about 4 months. He will be home in about 2 weeks for some R&R. Communication has been a struggle since he has been there...

Today I email him telling him about our day and what the kids and I did, I love you, etc. he responds back to me by telling me that it's f'n bs how much school lunches are and how I am killing him by getting gas once a week. No ily or anything. Just cussing and complaining about $. I assume he looked at the bank account. There is not a lack of funds here and we don't spend lavishly. He gets in Skype and tells me to f off when I don't know the exact amount in the bank account. I paid bills yesterday but did spend $9 today taking kids out for ice cream. I didn't know the balance off the top of my head. How would you react to this and now I am dreading him coming home with this attitude!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Wow.. where is he working? Is he in a war zone? 

Here's an idea. Come up with a figure you need to take care of everything. 

Open up your own checking account and move that much money to our account every payday.

Or pay all of the bills directly from the joint account and take out all of the spending money you need in cash. 

This way you will know what the balance is all the time.. however much you left in the account on payday.

This way he will not be able to complain about every nickle and dime. I do agree with you that what you describe is over the top.

Perhaps writing him an email telling him that you do not accept him being this way with you. That you will pay the bills and take out X amount to cover daily living, groceries, etc. And that you are hurt that his communications with you are go angry angry, mean and with not even an ILY. 

Teach him that you will not accept this behavior.


----------



## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Seriously now. Four months away, and that's the kind of communication you receive??? Something is up with that man that he is feeling guilty about, so he finds a way to blame and be angry with you. I'm sure there is a lot of information you left out, so I don't know if he has been home any in that interim time. I don't know if you work and contribute financially. I have a lot of questions, and one is certainly why on earth you allowed him to speak to you that way and why he verbally accosted you over necessities. It sounds like you are financially dependent on him but like I said, I don't know that. Just sounds like it to me.


----------



## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

EleGirl said:


> Wow.. where is he working? Is he in a war zone?
> 
> Here's an idea. Come up with a figure you need to take care of everything.
> 
> ...


Yes, he is in a war zone. I pay all the bills directly from the account that his check goes into. He can see each and every purchase/bill/check that comes out of the account. I am financially dependent on him currently and I feel his uses this against me. 

I have tried discussing this with him numerous times via email and Skype. 

He will contact me today and act like everything is fine and that nothing happened.

I'm trying to figure out if it's best to ignore him until he apologizes, or if I just go along with his act of nothing happened.

We have been married almost 12 years and have two kids. I am not working as his income is tax free currently and per our accountant, I would be taxed an alternative minimum tax making it worthless for me to work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

River1977 said:


> Seriously now. Four months away, and that's the kind of communication you receive??? Something is up with that man that he is feeling guilty about, so he finds a way to blame and be angry with you. I'm sure there is a lot of information you left out, so I don't know if he has been home any in that interim time. I don't know if you work and contribute financially. I have a lot of questions, and one is certainly why on earth you allowed him to speak to you that way and why he verbally accosted you over necessities. It sounds like you are financially dependent on him but like I said, I don't know that. Just sounds like it to me.


I'm not sure why he is so angry with me either. He will be home very soon and this will be his first time home since he left in November. He will be here 14 days, then return for another 5 months overseas.

Being that he is in a war zone, I don't suspect cheating or anything of the like. I do know he is stressed, but I don't think he has a right to be mad about me paying for school lunches. If I were out shoe shopping or clothes shopping, I would expect this. Not on basic items for the kids.

I don't like how he is talking to me. I walk a fine line here though. I have to remember where he is and be supportive, but I can't compromise my dignity either and be talked to like this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## HazelGrove (Feb 29, 2012)

Is this the first time he's been in a war zone? If not, was he like this the previous times?

I ask because, having worked in a war zone myself, I know exactly how it can affect us and play havoc with our moods, and with our relationships back at home. Even in strong and level-headed people, a kind of anger, a resentment of those "safe at home" and their "petty problems" gradually installs itself. War is a very destructive environment, but also, very intense and addictive. 

That is no consolation to you, but it might be an explanation. You need to get through to him that you support him absolutely, but that you are not responsible for his situation and will not accept being spoken to like that. 

Elegirl's suggestions are good, but tread gently with him in putting them to him. He's going through sh!t and he's also living in a dangerous and intense place. This needs to be a negotiation between you. If this continues, I'd also suggest you contact a therapist who has experience in dealing with people who work in war zones and their families. You need support too.


----------



## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

HazelGrove said:


> Is this the first time he's been in a war zone? If not, was he like this the previous times?
> 
> I ask because, having worked in a war zone myself, I know exactly how it can affect us and play havoc with our moods, and with our relationships back at home. Even in strong and level-headed people, a kind of anger, a resentment of those "safe at home" and their "petty problems" gradually installs itself. War is a very destructive environment, but also, very intense and addictive.
> 
> ...


This is his first time in a war zone. This is NOT his first time working away from home. He opted to take this job. He is not a member of our Armed Services and not on the frontlines. However, I know he is in a stressful environment. It still doesn't warrant the cussing that comes from him over the slightest of things.

I am trying to figure out how to deal with him and this behavior today. He will contact me this morning and I will have to decide if I just let it go and allow him to "get away" with this or if I hold my ground here. I'm not looking to fight, especially with this R&R so close.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## HazelGrove (Feb 29, 2012)

Hold your ground, calmly. You can tell him you won't be spoken to like this, even as you convey understanding for his situation. But get in touch with a therapist who is experienced in dealing with people who work in war zones and their families and ask advice from them. The fact he's not at the frontline is irrelevant. It's a dangerous and intense environment anyway. There is no such thing as 'frontline' in the classic sense anymore in asymetric warfare. This has a lot of psychological effects on people who are facing it. 

I wasn't a member of the armed forces either. I was working in humanitarian emergency work. But I suffered the effects of war all the same. It made me angry and cranky, despite myself and it has had a lasting effect, though much milder nowadays. People who don't know war underestimate just how destructive it is. 

There is help out there - I hope you find it. You need to be supported. If he's back on R&R soon that will be all the more important as he's likely to be angry during that time.


----------



## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

HazelGrove said:


> Hold your ground, calmly. You can tell him you won't be spoken to like this, even as you convey understanding for his situation. But get in touch with a therapist who is experienced in dealing with people who work in war zones and their families and ask advice from them. The fact he's not at the frontline is irrelevant. It's a dangerous and intense environment anyway. There is no such thing as 'frontline' in the classic sense anymore in asymetric warfare. This has a lot of psychological effects on people who are facing it.
> 
> I wasn't a member of the armed forces either. I was working in humanitarian emergency work. But I suffered the effects of war all the same. It made me angry and cranky, despite myself and it has had a lasting effect, though much milder nowadays. People who don't know war underestimate just how destructive it is.
> 
> There is help out there - I hope you find it. You need to be supported. If he's back on R&R soon that will be all the more important as he's likely to be angry during that time.


Thank you. I appreciate your service to our country and providing insight into how it was for you.

I did discuss locating a counselor for myself a couple weeks back. He adamantly refuses to pay the $20 co-pay for me to go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## HazelGrove (Feb 29, 2012)

StrongEnough said:


> I did discuss locating a counselor for myself a couple weeks back. He adamantly refuses to pay the $20 co-pay for me to go.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Then remove the decision from him and let him know that for you, it's no longer an option, it's the only way you can deal with his anger; and let him know that he will have to do something about that anger because you're not going to put up with it. He is trying to control you through money and anger, don't let him. 

Just because there is a reason for his anger (if indeed the war is that reason), doesn't mean you have to be the victim of it. You have to preserve yourself and your children. You might start by calling the nearest VA counselling services and see what they recommend.


----------



## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

HazelGrove said:


> Then remove the decision from him and let him know that for you, it's no longer an option, it's the only way you can deal with his anger; and let him know that he will have to do something about that anger because you're not going to put up with it. He is trying to control you through money and anger, don't let him.
> 
> Just because there is a reason for his anger (if indeed the war is that reason), doesn't mean you have to be the victim of it. You have to preserve yourself and your children. You might start by calling the nearest VA counselling services and see what they recommend.


I do feel it would make him angrier if I deliberately go and do something that costs $, which he has already stated he won't pay for.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## HazelGrove (Feb 29, 2012)

I understand. 

Perhaps you can hook up with the wives of other men who have anger issues linked to war? It's so common nowadays. If you call the local VA they might be able to advise you, otherwise look online. It sounds like he needs help too, but you're not a therapist, you can't do that for him.


----------



## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

If as you seem to write that money is your only problem you have to find a way to work round it. Your H should be giving you a certain amount a week to spend without you having to tell him what on.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

HazelGrove is giving you good advice. 

On the topic of you angering him. Just tell him that you are taking an allowance to relieve him of having to worry about every penny you spend. He will know that you need $X to take care of you and your children after the basic bills are paid. That way he sees only the one cash withdrawal per pay period and you can some freedom on how you spend that money.

You are going to have to standup to him on this or this pattern of his nitpicking could very well become permanent.


----------



## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

accept said:


> If as you seem to write that money is your only problem you have to find a way to work round it. Your H should be giving you a certain amount a week to spend without you having to tell him what on.


Ironically, money isn't really an issue. We have a savings, quite a lot in the checking and additional monies set aside in yet another account. The issue is his control over the money. I am trying to find a way to work around it. I offered up some possibilities to him including the Financial Peace by Dave Ramsey among other resources. He again said no.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

When I say money being a problem I dont just mean the lack of it. He is earning it and finds difficulty with you spending it. I can only repeat that you must find a way of not having to tell him what you spend it on.


----------



## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

I sent an email stating my boundaries and support for him.
Below is what I sent:

want you to understand a few things:

1. I am supportive of you and what you are going through there. I cannot imagine what it is like and how you handle that and I am very proud of you.

2. I do not feel the support from you. Instead I feel you are constantly finding things I do wrong or ways to belittle me or cuss me.

3. I will support you, but I won't allow you to cuss me or talk to me like you have been. There are boundaries here that are not to be taken lightly. I expect to be respected and to feel safe within your love. Not disrespected and unloved when you unleash on me.

The man I fell in love with was not this angry bitter person. I miss the nice person who I felt loved me. I know you are stressed, but I don't think I should be the brunt of your stress.

Please stop this behavior and treating me like this. I would like to enjoy your time home as a family and husband & wife.

His response:


Ok u know what im going to open up ur own acct when i get home and i will transfer money to you once a month and if u run out u run out since you think im mean and treat u like sh$t

I don't know what to say anymore
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

accept said:


> When I say money being a problem I dont just mean the lack of it. He is earning it and finds difficulty with you spending it. I can only repeat that you must find a way of not having to tell him what you spend it on.


I understand what you are saying.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Are you sure he isnt reading these posts.


----------



## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

accept said:


> Are you sure he isnt reading these posts.


No. I am not sure. However, these are all issues that I have spoken with him about. I am not going behind his back. I am looking for support and insight to better my marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

