# Deployed and found her cheating



## superscorp

Good morning,

I have been married to wife for roughly 4 year. We got married relatively young; 20 and 21, while we were in college. 

I have been deployed with the United State military for 11 months and about 3 months ago, my wife had been acting funny. She would not respond to emails, not answer my phone calls, lie to me about sending packages; basically intentionally ignoring me. 

About a month and a half ago, we had a heart to heart and she said she was not taking this deployment very well and couldn't wait for me to come home. After a few questionable charges on the bank account, I confronted her about it. She was very separated and couldn't explain. I got an email from Sprint for our phone bill and it was a lot higher than normal. I asked her about it and couldn't get an answer. I look at the usage and it was three-fold to the trailing 5 months. I looked at the phone records and saw she is in contact with her ex-boyfriend, which explains the unusual charges to the bank account (sex store, Victoria's Secret). She admitted to talking to him.

I have made my decision, but she emailed me and told me she is sorry and genuinely feels bad. She asked me to spare any help I could. While I have made my decision, I feel really sad and don't want her to be hurt. Is this normal? This is my first marriage. Thank you all for the help!


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## Archon

Hey Super, I know exactly how you feel from the other end. I'm also in my first marriage. I was deployed when I was married only 6 months. I also was young (22) and wasn't very experienced in relationships. I had an EA while I was deployed. Long story short I'm 7 years in and I had another EA and she just had a PA. I don't condone what we did to each other. It has been very destructive and emotionally scarring. 

I'm just now trying to cope with no passionate, loving feelings for my wife. Yet at the same time, I still care deeply about her. I haven't walked out the door yet because I'm essentially waiting for 1) her new job to start; and 2) I really feel bad wanting to leave.

She knows I'm unhappy and she's scared I'm leaving. She wants kids and to have a life that I no longer want with her. I have feelings of sadness, guilt, anger...

I would recommend being honest and tell her how unhappy you feel. However, hold off telling her you want to leave for a few reasons: 1) You're deployed and have no control of what happens here and you can't react to how she responds; 2) It's something that needs to be done in person. I'd also recommend talking to your unit chaplain even if you aren't religious.

Stay safe, brother.


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## Shaggy

I there a question you have you want help with?

Do you want to stay married? If not then immediately start the D process. First step: Cut her off from joint credit and your pay. Take 50% of the money from joint accounts and move into a personal account. 

The fact the she's buying sex toys for use with him shows this has been likely going on for a while because she's spending money trying to spice it up and to keep him interested.

That means she is the one pursuing him. That's going to make it harder to end the affair since it's important to her.

I would suggest you:

1. Find out the OM - who he is, where he works, 
2. Do you have friends/family where she lives that you can have checkup on her - I mean watch her to see if she's still hooking up
3. Do not believe just her word that she stopped seeing him. She knows you looked at phone bill and at the bank account. So she'll simply avoid contacting him and using money in such an obvious way.
4. If you do R - then when you return ALL the clothes and toys she bought get burned. All of them - it's humiliated to you for her to keep stuff she bought for another man.
5. she has to give you complete and verified transparency on where she is, who she is with. 

One guy here was having his wife take pics with her phone of when she got some place and when she left it. Then he compared the EXIF data (time, gps location) for the pics with the time/places she claimed to be at.

6. She likely had unprotected sex - she she must produce a clean STD test to show you.

When are you returning?


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## Married in VA

You mention college so I will assume you are an officer. I am senior enlisted in the Navy (E8) so I will offer you some perspective. I have seen this pattern before with sailors that I am on deployment with on the ship. It is very familiar. Husband deploys, wife is "lonely" and decides to get some action on the side. This is terrible and I am sorry you are here. 

You stated that you have made your decision. What is that decision? Are you divorcing her? I would recommend it. She is not ready for marriage and has decided to act like she is single while you are out protecting your country. That is absolute BS. She is being evasive with your questions. She is shopping with your money at Victoria's Secret so there is no doubt as to what is going on. You need to act now to protect your retirement if you decide to make a career out of the military. 

For now, I would separate your money and send NOTHING home unless there are kids involved which you did not mention either way. Let her feel what life without you is like and why give her resources to hire a lawyer and make your life hell. Play it cool while over in theater. Once you get home though then bring the lion out of the box. Kick her a$$ to the curb and rebuild your life. After being married for 14 years myself, I find being active duty is too hard for any long term relationship and will remain single until I retire. 

Best of luck to you.


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## warlock07

You have kids? And when will you be going back?


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## superscorp

Thanks for the help everyone! It is greatly appreciated. 

We have no kids and luckily I should return sometime within the next month. Both of our parents are very supportive of me, even after the incident. 

I have made my decision about divorcing her, but I feel bad. She is regretful and ashamed of what she did, but after trust has been broken, it's too hard to regain that trust.

I am being PCS'd (relocated) when I return, so I am planning on telling her that I am starting the paperwork when I return. I received an email saying whatever I chose, she will act maturely, so that is good. What really hurt me was the line "I would appreciate any help you can spare for me if you decide to leave me". She is helpless without me. 

I guess my overall question is: Is is normal to feel bad for her even though I am 100% sure of my decision. 

Thanks again everyone! You are truly great people!


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## bandit.45

I think you are doing the right thing. There are lots of military wives and husbands who endure deployments and who do not cheat on their soldiers. If your wife lacks the strength and self control to stay true to you while you are gone, what will happen in the future when other hardships hit your marriage?

You should be glad she showed you her true colors now before you had kids together. Let her go as amicably as you can and find a true blue partner.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000

I feel for you brother. Ex navy here. Being deployed and married is one of the most challenging situations a man can be in.

Yes it is normal to feel the way you do. You love her. You will have to mourn the loss.

I respect your decision. It is not easy. You married young. Decide what is important in your life. Few women are cut out for this lifestyle IMO. No excuses for her. 

Are you career military?


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## Entropy3000

Married in VA said:


> You mention college so I will assume you are an officer. I am senior enlisted in the Navy (E8) so I will offer you some perspective. I have seen this pattern before with sailors that I am on deployment with on the ship. It is very familiar. Husband deploys, wife is "lonely" and decides to get some action on the side. This is terrible and I am sorry you are here.
> 
> You stated that you have made your decision. What is that decision? Are you divorcing her? I would recommend it. She is not ready for marriage and has decided to act like she is single while you are out protecting your country. That is absolute BS. She is being evasive with your questions. She is shopping with your money at Victoria's Secret so there is no doubt as to what is going on. You need to act now to protect your retirement if you decide to make a career out of the military.
> 
> For now, I would separate your money and send NOTHING home unless there are kids involved which you did not mention either way. Let her feel what life without you is like and why give her resources to hire a lawyer and make your life hell. Play it cool while over in theater. Once you get home though then bring the lion out of the box. Kick her a$$ to the curb and rebuild your life. After being married for 14 years myself, I find being active duty is too hard for any long term relationship and will remain single until I retire.
> 
> Best of luck to you.


Good advice Senior Chief!

We were to deploy on the Nimitz ... I forget why but they decided to deploy a few days later. My wife picked me up and a couple of my younger shipmates on their first cruise.

When we got to base housing their wives had left the baby sitter with the kids and were off to the dance club. They did not even wait to watch the ship leave pier 12 before they were out looking for other men. The two couples were good friends. The wives were not know to be partyers to their hubbys. During their first cruise they shared much of what their wives were telling them in mail with me looking for advice from a senior Petty Officer. Mind you neither had experienced being left alone for more than a few hours not months outside of bootcamp. So the wives turned into wingwomen for each other. Must have had this planned for a while. Yes, both of these were Nice Guys. They remained faithful on the cruise while the wives did not. They both divorced upon returning. The saddest part was that they had children.

This is just one situation. The couple next door to us ... the husband left on a cruise. A few weeks later you could hear the loud noises from her bedroom ... No he was not home.

On the other side, her husband was also deployed. My wife grabbed me and asked me to go over there to kill a bee in her bedroom. No my wife was not setting up a threesome. Anyway I never found the bee but she was in her flimsy nightie helping me look for it. When I got back, I told my wife about it. She never had me go over there again to help.

On and on.

My point? Not all wives are cut out to be faithful military wives. The good news about my neighbors was that they did not have children. My wife and I moved out of that housing before the hubbys came home.


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## Shaggy

She spent your money at a sex shop for another man.

I think that should answer the question about giving her more money.

This wasn't a one time things just happened. This was planned. This was many times - I mean who exactly pulls out a new sex toy on a ONS?

Nope, since you are going D my advice is to cut off ALL financing ASAP. In fact don't wait until you are back in the states to contact a lawyer and do formal separation. Until you do that any debts she rings up are 50% yours.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

bandit.45 said:


> I think you are doing the right thing. There are lots of military wives and husbands who endure deployments and who do not cheat on their soldiers. If your wife lacks the strength and self control to stay true to you while you are gone, what will happen in the future when other hardships hit your marriage?
> 
> You should be glad she showed you her true colors now before you had kids together. Let her go as amicably as you can and find a true blue partner.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree with this. My H was abusive and even had his girlfriend lying about me while he was deployed, telling people I was cheating on him. I never did. I even gave him another chance when he returned from deployment, and after he felt secure and that I would move back to his house, he started up with the cheating and manipulation and abuse again, even throwing in suicide threats as well as saying that he felt abused (easy solution, go back to your house, if you feel abused in my apartment, lol, and are having issues but refuse to talk to anyone about it, issues my butt, the only issues he had was that I got therapy while he was deployed through Yellow Ribbon services and smartened up.) So let's remember when dissing spouses on the homefront that there are just as many soldiers out there 'protecting our country' who are not loyal or morally superior in any way, shape or form when it comes to their family, whom they also took vows to. I agree, let the true colors show as they may under times of stress and when personal integrity really matters, and let the chips fall where they may!

Also, even though it might seem like a good thing to do, cutting off necessary support to your dependent while you're deployed, no matter what the reason, will bite you in the butt. So don't do it. Pay the necessary bills and make sure there is money for food and health care copays besides. If you must, give power of attorney to a trusted friend and let them give your wayward spouse money for essentials. But don't leave them high and dry, it's a good way to get into trouble when your name ends up on your CO's desk because your wife reports you to family services.

Even when I found out my H was cheating and lying I paid all of his bills and kept his books and spent only for essentials or what he had approved. I stayed in the house to protect it from theft even though I'd rented an apartment already for myself and my kids. His CO called me the day before my H said he'd be back, to tell me he was leaving the airport in a couple hours...guess he intended to surprise me while I was still at the house. His CO wanted me to know so I could get out before he got there. Close one! Anyway, unless you want to create a situation where your stuff gets trashed and there is nobody home to take care of stuff like the food spoiling in your fridge, I'd not cut off your dependent from essentials. It's just shortsighted. What's a few months of support vs. the headache of the paperwork and the counseling you'll have to go through, and in the end you'll be ordered to support your dependents no matter what they are purported to have done.


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## Married in VA

Entropy,
Yes I am all too familiar with "Jody" myself. While I personally never dealt with cheating on deployment, some of my sailors have. I have had them cry on my shoulder, threaten suicide, attempt suicide, be unable to work, etc because of adultery. It is terrible. What does the civilian court system do about it? They award the cheating former spouse retirement benefits, spousal support, and child support while the OM/OW sits in their chair and drinks their beer. Nice system we have. 

Homemaker,
Yes, I have also seen the reverse and have ordered sailors to stop messing around as adultery violates UCMJ article 134b and is illegal in the military. As for supporting your dependents, my STBXW calls my CO every so many days and my CO says the same thing, that support of spouses is a civil matter and the Navy does not get involved any longer. His exact words to my STBXW are "The courts are open and if you have a valid complaint for support then that is the proper venue for such complaints to be heard." I have not paid my STBXW a dime since she started cheating nor will I as Virginia is a fault state where adultery is an automatic bar to spousal support. I do give her money for the benefit of the children so they can eat while with her etc, but it is not court ordered. Times have changed, the military is no longer concerned whether its personnel support their dependents opting for the civilian court system to handle such complaints.


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## LionofJudah888

First off, thanks for what you are doing over there. I'm now retired after a few deployments. Yes it is normal to feel bad and not wanting to her her. This is because you pity her. You think she couldn't help being "not smart enough" to know better than to hurt you. Surprise, Surprise, she did know better. If you are nice about it this time, then she know what you will tolerate for future reference. Be tough! Wanna ask me how I know? Been there. I, too saw the signs while I was deployed but I had too many reasons to think I could make it work. Thought I knew it all. She is giving you the opportunity to "run for the hills" on a silver platter. Take it before it gets more complicated. Don't think you can change someone...because they never do. You can't raise a grown person. That was their parents'/guardians' job. Run while you can without remorse.


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## the guy

Thank for your service.

What you are feeling is grief. Just like with any death and yes this is the death of a marriage you are mourning, in time it will pass.

Just like our loved ones pass away we feel bad for so many reason, but they are in a better place. In your case you to will be in a better place as the grieving process for the marriage fades.


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## Entropy3000

Married in VA said:


> Entropy,
> Yes I am all too familiar with "Jody" myself. While I personally never dealt with cheating on deployment, some of my sailors have. I have had them cry on my shoulder, threaten suicide, attempt suicide, be unable to work, etc because of adultery. It is terrible. What does the civilian court system do about it? They award the cheating former spouse retirement benefits, spousal support, and child support while the OM/OW sits in their chair and drinks their beer. Nice system we have.
> 
> Homemaker,
> Yes, I have also seen the reverse and have ordered sailors to stop messing around as adultery violates UCMJ article 134b and is illegal in the military. As for supporting your dependents, my STBXW calls my CO every so many days and my CO says the same thing, that support of spouses is a civil matter and the Navy does not get involved any longer. His exact words to my STBXW are "The courts are open and if you have a valid complaint for support then that is the proper venue for such complaints to be heard." I have not paid my STBXW a dime since she started cheating nor will I as Virginia is a fault state where adultery is an automatic bar to spousal support. I do give her money for the benefit of the children so they can eat while with her etc, but it is not court ordered. Times have changed, the military is no longer concerned whether its personnel support their dependents opting for the civilian court system to handle such complaints.


Yes indeed. On my first cruise we had one guy get a dear john letter. That night her disappeared. We never saw him again. Clearly he jumped overboard.

And yes there are guys who cheat certainly. Military life is very challenging. You pretty much have to have done it to get it though.

Many military wives feel abandoned and are ill prepared for what they face. It takes a strong mature woman with character of steal, solid bounaries and a marriage friendly support network to survive. But it challenges all.

My heart goes out to these folks. 

I can say though that those early years have made my wife and I a stronger couple than many. We definitely adhere to the Captain and the First Mate relationship. 

A woman has to be able to carry the family load on her own without having to depend on the husband on the otherside of the world or some guy just waiting to take advantage of her vulnerability. Many of these young women have never stould on their own before. They depended on their father and then their new husband. Then when hubby goes, they are on thier own amongst a sea of predators.


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