# Am I beinng a bad mother?



## DanaS (May 28, 2014)

To start, my daughter who is 22 has never been happy about my relationship with my husband who is 28. She has said it's "sick" and "disgusting" and all kinds of things. Well, while at college she got kicked out of her apartment and wants to come home. She says if she does she doesn't want to live here if my husband will be here because it is "too awkward" for her and she says it make her feel uncomfortable; she didn't even attend my wedding.

I told her regardless of how she feels, while I love her, he IS my husband and she has to accept that, if she can't she'll have to couch surf or something. I don't mind her coming back, but I do expect her to at least be cordial and respectful to me and my husband. She said I am being a bad mother and putting her man before her own daughter and really laying on the guilt trip. 

I do love my daughter and I don't deny it being awkward for my daughter to have to live with a man closer to her age and be her step father no less, and I am not asking or expecting them to be best friends or anything but if she does come back to live with me, regardless of how she feels about my relationship to my husband she should be respectful.. Thoughts?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Keep your boundaries. You're doing fine.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

She is coming back to YOUR house and she's a adult. She knows what the terms on her moving back to your house is it's up to her if she chooses to accept them or find somewhere else to live.
No I don't think you're being a bad mother.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

She's 22, she needs to get over it or find somewhere else to live


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Well, I would take it one step further and just say that she should find somewhere else to live. I would volunteer to help her do that.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*No bad mother here! Proceed as is! Your H is now your No. 1 priority, just as you should be his!

Your daughter is a big girl now and if the situation within your home is too awkward for her, then she really needs to deal with it as the adult she now is(or should be) and find other accommodations for herself.

Now, you can offer to help her with those, but if she rejects you, she is certainly big enough to make her own!*


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Your daughter needs to suck it up or find somewhere else to live. It is not up to her, who you marry. She is grown now she should realize that her input should be even less of a factor.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I'm with everyone else on this one. Your H, your house, your rules. Your DD doesn't have to like it, but she does have to either lump it or leave it - preferably in silence.


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## Layla79 (Feb 6, 2013)

You're not being a bad mother at all. She has to learn to have respect for your husband even if she is not on board with him being her stepfather. If she can't do this, then she can go find somewhere else to stay.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think with some patience, and a sense of humor, esp. on the part of your dh, this should go fine. I bet she will even end up liking him, and feel bad she ever gave you a hard time about it.

Relax, be patient, use humor, and watch her come around. I think this is a great opportunity to heal bad feelings and really bond as a family.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Your daughter has a lot of growing up to do Dana. You can help but to be completely honest, you're lack of confidence in what's right/wrong on this is part of the problem. It's really not a close call.

She's misguided in thinking that you owe her and have to pay for her shortcomings. In reality you raised her and now it's her turn to be a responsible adult. Responsible adults rarely get kicked out of their apartment. So let me guess; she's holding the school card over your head as leverage as to why you have to do what she says.

Just don't fall into the trap where her failures fall on you. That's the quickest way to become the "fix it" parent and that's the worst thing you can do for her. At 22 years old she's got to lose the notion that she can be dependent upon you and still call the shots. That's not reality and it will cripple her to keep thinking this way.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

There's nothing wrong with your daughter feeling the way she does about your husband who is nearly the same age as her.

Unfortunately for your daughter she does not have the financial means to support her position. But she's young and she will eventually. And by then she will have learned her lesson.

As for you, how would she apply that lesson, say, 30 years from now? How would your daughter treat you then? Say, for example, when you are 80 and your husband 55, who would be the closer person to you? Would your husband still be around? Would your daughter even care about you then?

It's a tough call for you.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

aug said:


> There's nothing wrong with your daughter feeling the way she does about your husband who is nearly the same age as her.


Her feelings are hers and she has a right to them. That's not the problem. The problem is that she's trying to force her mom to kick out her step dad because she got kicked out of school and wants to move back home. So basically it's her mom's fault somehow. And she's laying on the guilt trip in Dana's words.



aug said:


> Unfortunately for your daughter she does not have the financial means to support her position. But she's young and she will eventually. And by then she will have learned her lesson.


I probably agree with what you mean by this statement. IMO though her opinion that she can control her mom's life isn't legitimate to begin with. That is unless her mom becomes dependent upon her at some point. In short, her independence still doesn't let her force Dana to do anything.



aug said:


> As for you, how would she apply that lesson, say, 30 years from now? How would your daughter treat you then? Say, for example, when you are 80 and your husband 55, who would be the closer person to you? Would your husband still be around? Would your daughter even care about you then?
> 
> It's a tough call for you.


Now you're judging her like her daughter is. There's no betrayal going on here accept in her daughter's mind. Dana's choice in who she's with is no different than yours or mine. And really it's speculation to assume there's a 25 year gap. Maybe it's a 10 years gap and maybe it's a 40 year gap. Neither changes Dana's right to make her own choice in a partner; mistake or not.

So why is it a tough call? To let her daughter dictate how she lives is a bad lesson for everyone.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

DanaS said:


> To start, my daughter who is 22 has never been happy about my relationship with my husband who is 28. She has said it's "sick" and "disgusting" and all kinds of things. Well, while at college she got kicked out of her apartment and wants to come home. She says if she does she doesn't want to live here if my husband will be here because it is "too awkward" for her and she says it make her feel uncomfortable; she didn't even attend my wedding.
> 
> I told her regardless of how she feels, while I love her, he IS my husband and she has to accept that, if she can't she'll have to couch surf or something. I don't mind her coming back, but I do expect her to at least be cordial and respectful to me and my husband. She said I am being a bad mother and putting her man before her own daughter and really laying on the guilt trip.
> 
> I do love my daughter and I don't deny it being awkward for my daughter to have to live with a man closer to her age and be her step father no less, and I am not asking or expecting them to be best friends or anything but if she does come back to live with me, regardless of how she feels about my relationship to my husband she should be respectful.. Thoughts?



You couldn't be a more loving and caring mother. Perfectly fine what you are doing. :smthumbup:


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Everyone is right. Keep your ground on this one. Your daughter is 22. She needs to put her big girl panties on and mind her own business when it comes to your love life...especially if she is in need of a place to stay. I'm sure if she was dating someone way older, she wouldn't want you telling her she couldn't date him. She needs to mind her own business in this aspect.


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## DanaS (May 28, 2014)

Thanks everyone! It really helped. She was being quite dramatic saying she'd "be on the streets" and other stuff. I know she has other options.

The thing is the times she has met my husband he has always been nice to her, he even helped change her tire and oil once. 

He has also tried having genuine conversations with her but she has always walked away or just dismissed him. The times she has been over to visit I have put my foot down on letting her know while she is here she does owe my husband some respect and common courtesy. 

I have always hoped she would turn around. I thought about telling her about my pregnancy but for now I won't.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Dana, you seem like a nice person, and I am sure your daughter is, too. And your dh is nice, definitely.

Have you looked at this through your daughter's eyes?

Even as an objective outsider, my eyebrows go up when I hear 43 yo woman with 28 yo man. I caught my breath when I heard you are pregnant. And I am a complete stranger in every way. I can only imagine what your daughter may be thinking and feeling, and what she will think/feel.

None of what you are doing is wrong, just unusual. And unusual takes time for everyone to adjust to. But everyone usually does adjust. Eventually.

Eventually your daughter is going to be delighted to have a little brother/sister. I am sure of that. And I think she will come to love your husband as well. Not as any kind of parental figure, but as a friend. I really do believe this will happen.

Please consider heavily getting into active listening with her, and ask your husband to do so, too. Some leadership on his part would be excellent. Something along the lines of, "(Name), I understand you feel uncomfortable. Let's talk about it. We really want to understand and make peace about this." This kind of compassion and desire to understand will surely communicate respect to her.

I think the onus is on the person with more power in a relationship to reach out in understanding to the person with less power. 

Again, I think all of you are going to be fine, and I am excited for you with the new baby, and for your daughter, too, to have a sibling. What a gift to her (I am assuming she is an only child).

Just be patient, Dana. Take a soft approach with her. I bet your dh is patient with her. That will go a long way towards all of you making peace with one another.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Obviously your marriage is a bit different, and your daughter isn't happy about that, that's her right. I would guess she is upset at the age difference more than your husband as a person, she needs to learn to separate between to two feelings. As long as you and hubby are happy she has no right to dictate how you live your life. What does she expect, your husband to move out so she can move back home? I would have laughed out loud at a statement like that.

Frankly with an attitude like hers I wouldn't let her move back home, sounds like drama just waiting to happen.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

I agree it is your home, but I can understand her not being too happy about you bring married to a much younger man. And I doubt she's too happy about you having a baby on the way. I think while you have the right to do what you want, you should think of this from her viewpoint.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

You are doing the right thing Dana. Stick to your guns. You feel guilty because she's guilt tripping aka manipulating you by saying that she's 'going to end up on the streets'. 

Incidentally, why did she get kicked out of her apartment?


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

DanaS said:


> I do love my daughter and I don't deny it being awkward for my daughter to have to live with a man closer to her age and be her step father no less,


Maybe it's just semantics but I would never refer to him as her step father. She's a grown woman. He will never take on the role of her step father. I would refer to him as your husband and leave it at that.

Otherwise as others have said she has to accept your terms in your house no matter what age she is.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

DanaS said:


> Thanks everyone! It really helped. She was being quite dramatic saying she'd "be on the streets"


Well she should have thought about that before getting herself kicked out of her apartment then, huh? If she had money for THAT apartment, she has money for a new one.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

turnera said:


> Well she should have thought about that before getting herself kicked out of her apartment then, huh? If she had money for THAT apartment, she has money for a new one.


Yes, honestly, that's the problem I'd want to tackle with her - how is it that she was kicked out of her apartment when she knew she'd have nowhere to go but home? Is she irresponsible? Was she not paying her portion of the rent and utility bills? Is she partying too much and annoying her roommates? How are her grades? 

Mom's new husband that's closer to her own age than her mother's, new baby for mom...yes, the daughter is in for a rough time if she hasn't been equipped with some life skills.


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## DanaS (May 28, 2014)

norajane said:


> Yes, honestly, that's the problem I'd want to tackle with her - how is it that she was kicked out of her apartment when she knew she'd have nowhere to go but home? Is she irresponsible? Was she not paying her portion of the rent and utility bills? Is she partying too much and annoying her roommates? How are her grades?
> 
> Mom's new husband that's closer to her own age than her mother's, new baby for mom...yes, the daughter is in for a rough time if she hasn't been equipped with some life skills.


Her roommate kicked her out. They were best friends but apparently had a falling out. My daughter said that her roommate didn't like her friends she'd bring over and to party with and she was the one being unreasonable. 

She has been a bit of a wild child but not as bad as some, but her father and I would always argue and he would be pretty rough with her growing up. She has gotten pretty good grades in school however and can be kind and caring. I do try to look at it from her perspective. She is at another friends now but she was told she can't stay much longer. She is looking for work as well.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

DanaS said:


> Her roommate kicked her out. They were best friends but apparently had a falling out. My daughter said that her roommate didn't like her friends she'd bring over and to party with and she was the one being unreasonable.
> 
> She has been a bit of a wild child but not as bad as some, but her father and I would always argue and he would be pretty rough with her growing up. She has gotten pretty good grades in school however and can be kind and caring. I do try to look at it from her perspective. She is at another friends now but she was told she can't stay much longer. She is looking for work as well.


Do you see how your "swoop and protect" skills are hurting her Dana? Your blaming her friend because you're in defense mode. That's why your daughter treats you the way she does. You let her manipulate you into believing she's the victim and someone else is the bad guy. The fact is; life has tough grown up problems and they're scary. Your daughter has to tackle them. Her problem solving tricks growing up aren't working with the rest of the world like they did at home.

Compromising with a roommate enough to tolerable is pretty easy stuff. Being kicked out normally means not holding up your end of an agreement. It's harmful to your daughter that she thinks you bought her story. Just spins the cycle another revolution.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

It isn't her business to judge who you married. She's your child not your parent. 43 and 28 is NOT that big of a deal. 

I think she's being needlessly cruel to you and she needs to cut that sh*t out. I do not think you're being a bad mother. At some point in your life you will realize your happiness is just as important as the next person's happiness. Your daughter will someday realize she isn't the only one who deserves happiness and love. Until that day comes,I'd let her couch surf til she's responsible and considerate enough to get a new place with a new roommate.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Time to grow into the mother you were supposed to be: the strong woman who doesn't take sh*t from her own daughter and expects better from her daughter. Read up about authoritative parenting; learn how you set boundaries and consequences and the child is free to stay within the boundaries, or suffer the consequences. Completely her choice.

btw, sounds like it was your daughter making the living arrangements untenable, not her roommate. My DD23's roommate brought all kinds of riffraff into their apartment, and DD23 had to lock herself in the bedroom because they would party so hard she was afraid. Then she'd be left cleaning up the messes. Something to consider. Your daughter may be making good grades, but nothing else you've shared about her makes her sound like a reasonable, thoughtful, giving person.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

turnera said:


> Time to grow into the mother you were supposed to be: the strong woman who doesn't take sh*t from her own daughter and expects better from her daughter. Read up about authoritative parenting; learn how you set boundaries and consequences and the child is free to stay within the boundaries, or suffer the consequences. Completely her choice.


And it's never too late to change harmful interaction with our kids. I've seen people realize how they've participated in how their grown kids struggle adjusting to life. But then assuming partial responsibility keeps them doing the exact same thing rather than changing. Adult kids sometimes need to struggle now to but be better off for it later.

Habits are hard to break and the ones dealing with social dynamics are the hardest.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Let me get this straight. Is this correct?
Your daughter was thrown out of her apartment for bringing in people that her roommate didn’t like and partying too much?
She wants to move in with you.
She wants you to throw your husband out and for him to not come around while she is there.
If this is correct, you are having some serious boundary issues with your daughter. She sounds like the kind of person who thinks she should be able to hang out with whomever she wants, whenever she wants, and it doesn’t matter how anyone else feels about it. She does not want to be around people or situations that irritate her and expects others to cater to her feelings and expectations for her comfort, even if that means she ejects her mother’s husband from his home.
If you had to ask us if you were being a bad mother, you are not seeing things clearly. I don’t know how to put this gently. Your daughter sounds like a demanding, spoiled and selfish young woman. If you cater to this attitude of hers you are doing her no favors. It is time to let your daughter know that you will no longer tolerate this kind of attitude and behavior from her. She will be reaping the consequences of her decisions and you are not going to shield her from them, otherwise, she is not going to learn from this and her terrible attitude and behaviors will become more ingrained and she will believe more firmly that she is entitled to be this way. She is in a very unhealthy state and needs to do some serious growing.


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## jane1213 (Aug 10, 2012)

I am in my twenties and I am with your daughter on this. Sorry. I don't know. It would seem really awkward to me. What this twenty something guy is doing with my mum. My own mum is 55 though. Anyway I would think that my relationship with my mum should come first. I mean what if I go get married to sixty something man. I am not trying to be judgemental here but trying to explain our POV


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

jane1213 said:


> I am in my twenties and I am with your daughter on this. Sorry. I don't know. It would seem really awkward to me. What this twenty something guy is doing with my mum. My own mum is 55 though. Anyway I would think that my relationship with my mum should come first. I mean what if I go get married to sixty something man. I am not trying to be judgemental here but trying to explain our POV


Hmm, so you think your mom should let you mooch instead of pursuing her own life? That's what I got.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

jane1213 said:


> I am in my twenties and I am with your daughter on this. Sorry. I don't know. It would seem really awkward to me. What this twenty something guy is doing with my mum. My own mum is 55 though. Anyway I would think that my relationship with my mum should come first. I mean what if I go get married to sixty something man. I am not trying to be judgemental here but trying to explain our POV


You think your parents should put you before their relationship?
You are an adult, not a little girl who needs to be taken care of. To expect a man to leave his home so someone else can move in is ridiculous.
You may not agree with your parent's choices, but to expect them to change on your account is frankly immature and demanding.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Your daughter is 22, going to school, no job and pert near homeless. She's looking a gift horse in the mouth and still complaining. 

Maybe you should inform her that she doesn't have a great deal of choices and you know of a place that can house her but the big rule is having manners and showing respect. 

You say she's going to school so she isn't a dummy, maybe spoiled but not dumb and if it were me, I would let her know that the door is open and she's welcome but she either lives by your rules or "Baby it's cold outside".


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

CynthiaDe said:


> You think your parents should put you before their relationship?
> You are an adult, not a little girl who needs to be taken care of. To expect a man to leave his home so someone else can move in is ridiculous.
> You may not agree with your parent's choices, but to expect them to change on your account is frankly immature and demanding.


I think she was just sharing her pov.

I agree that whoever pays makes the rules. I just think that most parents want to keep a relationship with the kids. 

I think it is possible to set and enforce boundaries without creating undue stress in the relationship.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

jane1213 said:


> I am in my twenties and I am with your daughter on this. Sorry. I don't know. It would seem really awkward to me. What this twenty something guy is doing with my mum. My own mum is 55 though. Anyway I would think that my relationship with my mum should come first. I mean what if I go get married to sixty something man. I am not trying to be judgemental here but trying to explain our POV


No one's saying that's a problem. At least I'm not. So if your mom was with a young guy then it would creep you out. Makes sense.

The issue here is more than that. Daughter wants to move in with mom kick out step dad. Add to that, daughter says her best friend is kicking her out of the apartment but that doesn't make sense. Legally if she's on the lease and paying her portion of rent then she can't be evicted.

So there's a bunch of red flags saying this is more than her feeling awkward. Daughter not succeeding in college and also getting kicked out of apartment, and also implying mom need to make her husband leave, and most importantly mom actually wondering what's right/wrong. These red flags all point to mom cripling her daughter in a lasting way. Is it possible that this daugher is innocent and in no way created these problems? Yes but not likely. Is it possible that mom should kick out her husband? ehh not because of her daughter because that's the wrong reason.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

jane1213 said:


> I am in my twenties and I am with your daughter on this. Sorry. I don't know. It would seem really awkward to me. What this twenty something guy is doing with my mum. My own mum is 55 though. Anyway I would think that my relationship with my mum should come first. I mean what if I go get married to sixty something man. I am not trying to be judgemental here but trying to explain our POV


The point is, it is her MOTHER'S house, not hers. She doesn't get to make rules. If she doesn't like her mother's choices, she is free TO AVOID HER MOTHER. 

If, however, she needs her mother's money, then she should learn a little bit about humility. It's one of those lessons you learn in your 20s or - if you're particularly stubborn - your 30s.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

turnera said:


> The point is, it is her MOTHER'S house, not hers. She doesn't get to make rules. If she doesn't like her mother's choices, she is free TO AVOID HER MOTHER.
> 
> If, however, she needs her mother's money, then she should learn a little bit about humility. It's one of those lessons you learn in your 20s or - if you're particularly stubborn - your 30s.


I'll think she'll learn, turnera. She'll have to. If she doesn't have any money, or any way of getting any, Mom is probably her only resort. 

And let's face it, humility is pretty much needed throughout life.


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

CynthiaDe said:


> You think your parents should put you before their relationship?
> You are an adult, not a little girl who needs to be taken care of. To expect a man to leave his home so someone else can move in is ridiculous.
> You may not agree with your parent's choices, but to expect them to change on your account is frankly immature and demanding.


:iagree:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

jld said:


> And let's face it, humility is pretty much needed throughout life.


True, but we often don't achieve it without some young adult hard knocks.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

jane1213 said:


> I am in my twenties and I am with your daughter on this. Sorry. I don't know. It would seem really awkward to me. What this twenty something guy is doing with my mum. My own mum is 55 though. Anyway I would think that my relationship with my mum should come first. I mean what if I go get married to sixty something man. I am not trying to be judgemental here but trying to explain our POV


I see this sense of entitlement as being pervasive in today's society. Our helicopter parenting style has produced young people who think they are the centre of the universe and are somehow owed something from their parents. 

As parents we do our best to provide for our children and often times sacrifice a great deal for them. Kids should be grateful for that not expectant. 

Of course as we age and mature we sometimes develop different value systems than our parents. There is nothing wrong with that. We don't have to like or even respect everything our parents do. We do however owe them gratitude for what they have done for us. To me this gratitude should translate to being respectful. 

In this case the young woman doesn't need to like or respect her mothers decision to marry a younger man. She doesn't have to like they guy. She does need to respect the fact her mother is an adult and has made a choice about how to live her life. Should she choose to live in the house she should be polite and courteous. Once she is able to get out on her own she can escape the proximity to a relationship she finds distasteful.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I think your daughter is learning about the real world and her attitude will make it that much harder.

She got "kicked out" of her apartment for what?

She has no friends?

You are doing the right thing.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

kiked out for partying too much now her other friend wants her out.

hmm, sounds like a self centerd cry baby no wonder she has no place to go. sounds like a good life lesson to me.

I would sit her down and tell her just that. she is welcome but you make the rules and frist rule is respect for you husband. next rule is how much rent she is going to pay. then she needs to contribute to the chore list.


or she can make her own way in the world without any suport from her family.


with that said if you don't need her rent money save it for her and give it back when she graduates or get married to that 60 yr old guy


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

I read this whole thread, but do not see the whole picture yet. Did she get kicked out of school too? Is school over for the year? That is the first order of business, she needs to continue school and get a degree.

Who is paying for this school? 

Who was paying for the apartment?

Does she have a stable work history, or any employable skills?

What is the basis of your marriage? Was there cheating on your part that ended up in your divorce? Did your ex husband cheat on you? Why the resentment from the daughter for the new husband?

Not knowing what had happened in the past, I would guess that she lost some of her family support mechanism. Maybe she is hurt/pissed off from that. Her wild child behavior might be a direct result of that. She is under stress, made some bad decisions, and now woke up to the consequences. She might be into drugs, and be flipping out now without money to buy them.

Well, 22 is not that old yet. maybe you contributed somewhat to the situation, so now need to contribute somewhat to the solution? Can she stay with relatives short term? Can she live in your basement, and have minimal contact with your family? Maybe set her up in the garage? Maybe you can find her a cheap place near public transportation for the summer, help her pay for it, furnish it with some throw away furniture, a couple cases of Raman noodles. Help her look for a summer job, and get her ready for school in the fall? A dorm room sounds like her long term living accommodation.

A place on campus or near it might be best. That way she can access the school gym, and other resources. Maybe be near some other friends.

Your pregnancy is going to be a shock to her. So not helping her in her time of need will predispose her to hate the new kid and your new husband even more. If she sees you trying hard to help, within the boundary rules others have stated above....that might go a long way to her coming to terms with the new reality.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think murphy makes a good point about showing empathy. I think that could go very far in creating a good relationship with her.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

jld said:


> I think murphy makes a good point about showing empathy. I think that could go very far in creating a good relationship with her.


I agree that it is good to be empathetic. This can be done while holding healthy boundaries and not allowing her to disrespect your husband and you and your marriage.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

CynthiaDe said:


> I agree that it is good to be empathetic. This can be done while holding healthy boundaries and not allowing her to disrespect your husband and you and your marriage.


I agree. But I would really urge a soft, empathy-based approach with reasonable limits. I agree with another poster than tensions may be high. Someone has to model maturity.

Let's give the girl a little break, okay? We don't know the whole background here. Love with limits.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

jld said:


> I think murphy makes a good point about showing empathy. I think that could go very far in creating a good relationship with her.


Empathy can be counter intuitive jld. What seems nice sometimes is selfish. You may agree but I'm not sure. My mom appeared to show my younger sibling empathy and she maybe told herself that as well. But they don't function very well in life. IMO one of our jobs as a parent is to prevent our kids from having a false sense of how life works. Fairly often parents cater to kids because the kids are their plan B. Keeping them at arm's reach as an insurance policy. But it backfires.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Thundarr said:


> Empathy can be counter intuitive jld. What seems nice sometimes is selfish. You may agree but I'm not sure. My mom appeared to show my younger sibling empathy and she maybe told herself that as well. But they don't function very well in life. IMO one of our jobs as a parent is to prevent our kids from having a false sense of how life works. Fairly often parents cater to kids because the kids are their plan B. Keeping them at arm's reach as an insurance policy. But it backfires.


I don't think empathy means being nice, though it probably feels that way. It's about understanding, about seeing through the other person's eyes. We don't have to agree with them. We just have to try to see their point of view.

Empathy does not mean not having reasonable limits.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I was the other side of the coin, I had a stepson who was only six years younger than me. We had, and still have after the divorce, a great relationship. It started out just friendly, and it ended up that he thought of me more as a mom than his real mom was. (that one is a piece of work...) Is it weird? Yep. I wont argue that. Can it all work out? Yep.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Is there an earlier thread on this matter? I ask because there does not seem to be any background before the D got "kicked out of her apartment by her best friend."

Firstly, roommates having irreconcilable differences is not uncommon. Trying to paint someone as culpable and broken on that basis alone is excessive. And trying to paint someone so young as having anti social behaviors, well, ok, where on earth did she learn those?

We also don't hear what the childhood was like between DanaS and her daughter. In society, we are told that our parents are our best cheerleaders, supporters and are imbued with great wisdom. I really wish that I had not bought all that BullSh!t, but I did and yes, I am bitter. (and I don't mind listing out all the indignities that I have suffered at the hands of my parents if anyone asks. I was once offered a job that my father advised me not to accept. -- And I followed his advice. So parents remember that if you have ever done that with your child.)

Why can't Dana's daughter take a dorm room to finish her undergraduate education? 

I agree that she should be accepting of her mother's new marriage. As long as her husband has made an effort to reach out to her, then yes, I think she is being unfair in this matter.

But I would be interested in knowing more detail about this situation.


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