# Long Post - Need Advice



## cluelessingeorgia (May 30, 2017)

Hi, 

I could really use some advice. I've never posted on a forum like this before. My friends are just an echo chamber and I feel like I need some good semi-objective opinions. We've been together for almost 7 years. Dating for 4 and married for 3. I'm going to break this down into parts. 

Part 1: The Beginning
I had been single for 3 months when I met my husband. Previously, I had been in a 6 year long physically and emotionally abusive relationship, following in the footsteps of my mother. I've never had a healthy relationship role model in my life. Everyone in my family is divored. I met my husband and things clicked. I was 21 and he was 28. I just wanted someone to be nice to me and he was. We made each other laugh and we felt like we could be ourselves around each other. 

After a few months of dating, things started to go downhill, but I ignored the warning signs. Instead of leaving, I kept trying to make the relationship work. He would invite me over and proceed to play video games for 8 hours while I sat beside him enraged. I would try to play with him and he would tell me he really wanted to play a single player game right now. I complained and complained and kept expecting the relationship to change and go back to how it was those first few months, but stayed with him despite no changes on his part. We did have fun as long as we were with other people. I didn't realize until much later how much I relied on other people being around for him to be fun. 

We frequently talked about what we wanted for the future. A house, a family, a normal suburban life. We started making plans, but he always fell through. He could never hold up his end of the bargain. I always made excuses for him. I always said oh next time he does this, that's it, i'm leaving. He needed to quit smoking weed to leave his crappy retail job and get a job that could support a family. He just wouldn't.

Part 2: Post-Grad
Once I graduated from college and found my "big girl" job, things got worse. I became resentful of him. I felt that he was holding me back. I know really I just should have left because I was unhappy. He wasn't holding me back, I was. I know that now, but I kept trying to make him change. We made plans to move in together. We were supposed to take 3 months to save up money for moving. When it came time to move, he hadn't saved a dime. I had to pay for everything by myself. Once we moved in together he couldn't pay his share of the bills because he still refused to quit smoking weed and get a better job. We were able to spend less and less time together and less and less time with other people. Our communications became more and more negative over time. I moved from resentful to bitter and hostile. Every time we would make a plan, he wouldn't follow through. Every time he said he'd start looking for jobs, I'd find out months later he hadn't submitted a single application. 

For some reason, we got married. I guess I thought things would change? Of course, they didn't. And then, in a move of pure brilliance (let me tell you), I decided we should try to have a kid. I had always wanted children. People kept telling me stories like, oh yeah my brother was like that, then he had a kid and everything changed. I was so convinced that if we had a child that he would want to change. That he would suddenly care about finances and helping to take care of his family. Of course, things didn't change. 

We made a plan, we agreed. We would start trying to start a family and he would quit smoking weed and look for a better job. He, of course, did not. I would try and try and try to convince him to do it. He just didn't say. I would say, what would you do if I lost my job? How would you take care of our son? Why do you not care about providing for him? He would say, money isn't everything, you are greedy. I would counter with, yeah money isn't everything, but it pays for shoes, health care, insurance, cars, housing, retirement. Nothing I did or said made a difference. Finally, at about 6 months pregnant, I had lost all respect for him. I didn't understand how someone could have a child on the way and just not care about taking care of them financially. Who wants to struggle all of their life on purpose?! 

At this point, I'm angry about everything. Oh, he needs a new belt? Well that means he'll be giving me even less money towards the bills than normal. Oh, he has a cold and needs to go to the doctor, always using up more of my money! I know this is no way to be, but I was bitter and spiteful. 

And it got even worse. He started to worry about not getting attention after our child was born. He started "forcing" (i know i chose to do it, he didn't actually force me), to cook him dinner every night and bring it to his work, so he could "spend time with me" instead of eating when he got home. I tried to explain to him that after being away from the hosue for 13 hours commuting and working at 7-9 months pregnant I was simply too tired to do that for him. He did not care. He would whine and complain until I agreed. I had horrible psiatic nerve pain and could barely walk upstairs, but he expected me to do everything he wanted while he was going through this ultra clingy phase. Hostility increased.

Part 3: Post-Child
I actually still had some hope, until after our son was born. Still nothing changed. Starting at 2 weeks post-partum he was constantly complaining about not getting any attention. How he felt like he was just my servant, I had a c-section btw I literally couldn't do much of anything. He wasn't loving or caring at all. He didn't spend time with us. He would come home from work, go to the bed room and play video games. He still wouldn't stop smoking weed and he still wouldn't look for a better job. After I went back to work, it got worse. I would come home and want to spend time with our son. I was so used to him playing video games and not giving me any attention that I didn't see a problem with this. But all of a sudden he stopped playing his games, because he missed the attention I used to give him. He wanted my attention. But he didn't want to be a family. He wouldn't play with both of us. He just wanted more of me. Things got worse and worse. He wanted more intimacy and the last thing I wanted was him touching me. I used to want more children. Now, I would have an abortion if we got pregnant again. 

Part 4: Post-I Want a Divorce Discussion
Our son was nearly 2 years old when I got sick of it all. I told him I wanted a divorce. That I couldn't keep doing everything. And he "suddenly realized" how much he wanted his family to stay together. How much he "cared" about us. He started doing things he would never do before, like letting me go to bed early and watching our son when I had an early meeting the next morning. He says he's really trying, but I still just don't see it. He's changed just enough things to get me to stay around longer. 

And now... I don't even know how I feel anymore. What is love? How are you supposed to feel about your partner? Should I stay and work on this? Try to better our communication skills and see if things get better? I feel nothing for him. But love is a choice right? You're supposed to choose to love this person forever and commit to that decision, right? Do I just need to commit?

I partially feel like I'm just staying because I don't want to share custody of my son.

I keep wondering if the well is poisoned or if there is just a layer of crap we need to scoop off the top?

Or if I'm just like my mother and I just stay in relationships instead of leaving when I know that I should?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You are the cook and the bottle washer at home. You give him the time and the funding to smoke his dope and play the dope with his computer games.

Yu have been the enabler. Not because you are weak or dumb, no, because you are too nice.

Enough of his too little, to late "change" f heart.

He is a slug. Let him slither off. Off into the game port on his sagging, limp **** laptop.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

He is an immature spoilt brat. He wasn't ready to get married or have children. I think you know that. I have no idea why you stayed with him, married him or had a child with him.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

OP, how much of his changes are because he genuinely realized his mistakes as opposed to him not wanting to have to give up the comforts you have afforded him?

You said that although there have been some changes, they're inadequate. If you dropped the divorce bomb and he's still not doing enough, how would you staying and basically communicating that you're satisfied with what he's shown thus far, help your situation?

You have been able to recognize and admit that your mother's example of being in abusive relationship contributed to you tolerating abuse in your relationships. What message will you be sending to your own child by staying? Is the current dynamic between husband/wife and father/son in your marriage, the kind of example you want your son to follow?


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Is he really going to want 50%? How could he even pay for a place on his own. Your best bet is to make it amicable and give him some time to be a dad while you move on with your life.

Like, you are at work and let's say the kid is in daycare, he can pick your son up, make him dinner and then leave when you get home. Get your **** together and don't let him manipulate you.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

If he's still smoking pot and doesn't have a job that is enough to actually help support the family, he's just trying to keep you paying the bills so he doesn't have to grow up.

I feel sorry for the child. He's growing up with a piss poor example of what marriage and fatherhood should look like.


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

He's being nice because he sees his meal ticket is about to run out. It won't last long. There were some early warning signs when you first started dating, but ignored them. He took that to mean his behavior was acceptable, and never had any intention of changing. This is as good as it's going to get with this one. Your happiness and the happiness of your child is extremely important. Your call on if you can achieve true happiness with your husband, but it sounds doubtful. 

You sound like a very strong and good hearted woman, and you've said some very mature things about relationships. But it takes two people to make a relationship work, and they both have to be "ALL IN". It doesn't sound like your husband is "ALL IN", and one person can't make up the difference by doing all the heavy lifting. 

I also think you would benefit from individual counseling.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Stick around for a bit, this isnt going to last. Once he reverts back to being himself, then you can end this knowing that you did give him that chance. I hate to say it, but this is all on YOU for marrying someone who you knew was not an acceptable partner for you. Make sure you do the work on yourself before you get into another relationship so that you can figure out WHY you allowed yourself into this situation.


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