# Not very happy that H is looking for a new job...



## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I need someone to slap some sense into me.

H and I both work full time. We have two preschoolers. We just bought a house 6 months ago that is 2 miles from his office. We bought the house because the prices were affordable and the school district is excellent (those two combinations are difficult to find in our area), AND because he works 2 miles away. H has worked for the same company for ten years, so I had no reason to believe he would be looking to leave that company so soon when we decided on our house purchase.

I took a significant increase in commute when we bought our house. My office is 50 miles away, which is 1.5-2 hours one way. I am not planning to work there for the rest of my life, but for right now there are no other opportunities that are worth moving for (I am always looking). Plus, I just got a promotion with quite a big increase in salary, and that makes me a little reluctant to leave at the moment. My commute is not ideal - obviously - but we have balanced it by having H handle all of the childcare. He is the one who does the drop off and pick up from daycare, and he is the one who is "on call" when something comes up and the kids need to come home unexpectedly (like an illness). This is the only thing that gives me piece of mind. Because he works so close he is able to quickly pack up and bring some work home when needed. He has even had coworkers stop by our house for brief meetings and things when needed, just because it's so close to the office and he might have the kids with him. With me being 1.5-2 hours away it's just not feasible for me to be "on call" like that. Right now we have "on call" incidents at least 5-10 times a year. We do not have any other family that can handle our kids and help us out. Our kids will be entering elementary school in the next couple of years and I can only imagine this need will be greater as that time comes...especially with all of the school holidays, early dismissals, etc. I am worried about how we are going to balance this if he is no longer working right down the street.

My husband is an architect and all of the job opportunities for him are going to be in the city - which is similar to my commute. There just aren't any other job opportunities in either of our fields that are closer to our house. I know that he's feeling that his current company is not going to offer him the upward mobility that he's seeking...he's kind of hit his cieling there, both in terms of position and salary. Still, I really didn't see this coming. My H is a very passive person, and he's complained off and on about his job for years - the entire time I have known him - but he's never done anything about it. I am not the type of person to really push him to put resumes out there - my thought has always been that if he wants my support I am here, but if he doesn't or isn't ready to leave his job, I won't be pushing him. So even though he's complained for years, I really didn't expect him to start doing anything about it anytime soon. If I had known he was seriously thinking about leaving his job six months ago when we were house hunting, I would have preferred we waited to purchase a house when he found a new job and got an idea of where he'd like to settle. 

Neither of us make enough money to support a one income household. We both need to work. We make just about equal salaries now, with my most recent promotion. We also don't have a lot of options for part-time or flexible work. 

Personally, my feeling is that it's always nice to make more money, but that I want to look at the big picture of how our individual jobs affect our lifestyle. Being able to spend time with our kids and be there for them for future school events and future emergencies is very important to me. I gave up my own ability to be that person for them when I took my current job - and it was a mutual decision that we both made that H would be the one who took on that role while I was working so far away. Now, he's making a decision to get serious about job hunting and he didn't really discuss it with me first.

I want him to be happy with his career, but I am not happy thinking about how this might negatively affect our life as a family. 

At the same time I haven't said anything to him at all about his job hunting, because I am not sure I have a "right" to be anything but supportive of him. I want him to be happy - we both spend around 50-60 hours a week working.

I dont know...my mind is kind of all over the place and I am not sure what to think.


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I did not see any mention of whether you two have discussed how the childcare issues will be addressed. You can be supportive and still ask legitimate questions like, "How will we handle if the kids get sick or need child care?" 

He may have been thinking of this and have some ideas in mind.


----------



## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> I did not see any mention of whether you two have discussed how the childcare issues will be addressed. You can be supportive and still ask legitimate questions like, "How will we handle if the kids get sick or need child care?"
> 
> He may have been thinking of this and have some ideas in mind.


I did kind of mention this to him a couple of times...and his response is always "I can't answer that right now, who knows where I would get a future job. We'd figure it out when that time comes."

In our fields...job searches are easily over the span of hundreds of miles or even other states. It's not like there's a good firm on every corner down the street and you just walk across the street to get another job. I think that makes me more nervous...knowing that his job search could potentially lead him somewhere very far from our house. 

It's hard because I think we both have different ideas of what life will be like once our kids are in school. I have haunted visions of our kids being in the school play or having a special event that parents are supposed to attend, and neither of us attending because of work. I had previous envisioned my husband keeping his current job (even if it was solely for the location and convenience) and that HE would be there for all of their stuff - because I probably won't be able to. 

I don't think he thinks that missing out on the kids stuff is a big deal, but it hurts my heart as a mommy to think about things like that.


----------



## Nicole01 (Jul 31, 2012)

I know this is a very tough subject, but I've been down this road before. My husband was very unhappy working for his boss for 16 years. There were many times he went on interviews to find employment elsewhere and this always included a pay cut. I've always stood behind my husband and have been very supportive in his dream/goals/career.

He ultimately decided to stick it out, due to the pay. Well now his boss no longer works there and my husband now has his bosses job. He was offered the promotion a few months ago. This has not been an easy road by all means. His stress level is higher and his work hours are longer. However, he is very thrilled with his new position.

If he ever wants to move on to another company or a different career field, I'm right behind supporting him 100%. Even if it meant a pay cut.

I am disabled and I can not work. I do not collect disability either. We make adjustments and live very frugally. The only thing I really require is Internet and a way to use it. Other then that, I don't need anything else, but the bare necessities. What really matters is my husbands happiness.

Good luck and I wish you and your family the best.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

You're in a role reversal situation. As such you made an error in assuming that your husband would care for your kids the way you would. He also may secretly resent having to work AND do all the kid stuff. He also told you for 'years' that he was unhappy and again you assumed he'd never do anything about it. 

Passive men have a funny way of suddenly changing when we least expect them too (I know I'm married to one too). I've learned now to pay attention to what he says and to take him seriously. Odds may be that he won't do anything but I still need to make plans under the worst case scenario.

With all that my heartfelt advice is to support him WITHOUT picking up all the responsibilities of childcare. Look to him to solve the problem if/when he chooses to change jobs. I'm in the camp of it's good to have a happy husband.


----------



## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I agree with wanting a happy husband. Of course I want that. I want him to find his career fulfilling too. (Especially considering he alone brings $150k in student loans to the table for his two degrees).

I am just a bit miffed at the timing I guess. We hashed this out at length about 6-9 months ago while house hunting. We talked of our career situation and about choosing our future house location and the way it would affect our childcare responsibilities. (Before the move I handled almost 100% of childcare pick up, drop off and emergencies.) He told me that while he doesn't feel like this company is going to give him upward mobility, he was more than happy to enjoy the stagnation for awhile while our kids are little until either I find another job closer to the house or they are a bit older.

I don't think the gender role reversal is something either of us prefer but right now it is what it is. He can resent me all he wants for having the burden of the kids on him but this is what we talked about before we moved and he agreed to it.

I understand people change their minds but there was no discussion about it...just came home one day and announced he's applied for new jobs. I want to support him but my insides are in turmoil a bit over it.

Blah...I dunno.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

I think expecting your husband to consider your commute and child care requirements before his career development is unrealistic. It may not be fair since he agreed to it, but I think he may resent having to take care of the kids during the day. The majority of men are really not cut out for this. Yes, there are some who love it but it's the exception. We are simply not designed for it but in the last 40 years have been told we should be able to do it. It's a fallacy.

Most men are defined by what they do. If they do not like their jobs they usually become unhappy and many will seek to change that situation if they are able. If your husband was willing to assume $150K in student debt he is most likely very serious about his career path. I'm guessing he will do what he needs to do for his career and deal with the fallout at home. If this issue becomes a big deal in your marriage I think you wil end up with a permanently resentful husband who will seek other ways to feel like a man. I realize what I have said may not fit into your view of a fair and healthy marriage, but I do know how men think.


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I don't think being a good parent has much to do with sex of the parent, but the social pressures can certainly affect how he experiences his role. I'm afraid I agree with Enginerd about the likelihood of having a resentful guy if he can't put his career first after he's spent so much on education. 

The bottom line is that he's reneging on a prior agreement. However, he does have a right to change his priorities and his mind. He should have talked to you about it, but didn't. You can't change that. 

What can you do now? You can recognize that he made a valid point about crossing the childcare bridge when and if you get to it. You've said that his career type could take him anywhere, so it's not very realistic to expect a solution without knowing options. Do you trust your guy and your relationship enough to believe you'll be able to solve problems together when they arise?


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Hopefully he just wants you to agree with it and once push comes to shove he might do the right thing by the kids. My husband does that to me now. He'll 'test' me I think by seeing if I'll support hijm or not and when I do even if I don't agree he usually does the right thing. It's kinda annoying but I'm used to it now. LOL


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

kag123 said:


> I need someone to slap some sense into me.
> 
> H and I both work full time. We have two preschoolers. We just bought a house 6 months ago that is 2 miles from his office. We bought the house because the prices were affordable and the school district is excellent (those two combinations are difficult to find in our area), AND because he works 2 miles away. H has worked for the same company for ten years, so I had no reason to believe he would be looking to leave that company so soon when we decided on our house purchase.
> 
> ...


I used to be a nanny for a professional couple who had a couple of preschoolers, plus a grade school child who visited in the summer. I cooked and did laundry and stayed overnight with the kids, the couple had more time to be parents and spent less time doing all the work that could be done by someone else. I really enjoyed the kids and provided a buffer to avoid avoidable stress for the family. We all really enjoyed our time together which was almost 3 years. I was in university at the time. I took the kids to the doctor when they were sick or needed checkups, I took them to and from preschool, I attended events at their preschool and I helped each parent when they were left alone when the other needed to travel, as well as watched the kids when the parents went out with their friends. Nobody felt guilty or overstepping their boundaries, we did spend some holidays and other times all together hanging out, with and without the kids and others. It was a wonderful situation as I didn't have a family when I was in university and they were away from their families in a new city. 

I really miss them. I last visited in 1999, but I last worked for them in 1987. So the kids had grown into high schoolers! And the parents had matured too, they went through their struggles but their marriage survived and they were still the same individuals and as a family they were all very cohesive and still well-balanced. (I was so proud of them, they made it, despite professional success which can sometimes come at the price of family life!) The point is, they prayed for help when they needed it, put out an ad, and ended up with a nanny who was interested in being a functional part of a well-balanced family comprised of different indivuals whose common interest was in staying together in a loving, supportive, family unit. That can be accomplished without a do-it-all-yourself approach. In fact, having help with youngsters and a household is a time-honored tradition. Many people have extended family members come to stay when they are old enough to need a break or part ways with their nuclear family and stand on their own values out in the world, but not old enough so that they want or necessarily need to be out there on their own. Being attached to a family who needs you, and needing them in a way too to have the love and support and connection that a young adult still requires, is a win-win situation.

I think your marriage and family could benefit from such an arrangement, but as for finding the right person, you're on your own. I suggest a legal forms package such as nolo.com for advice about the tax and insurance concerns that come with having domestic help. Also information about getting references and background checks. fwiw, I think doing this yourself is far better than going through a service, you can use your intuition to find someone who is best for your family. I answered an ad, the family wanted a nursing student, because the wife was in the nursing school, I was in programming and business school, but had an emt-ambulance at the time, what I thought was they wanted someone who was familiar with advanced first aid for their children's safety, it was a good misunderstanding. 

Your H may be done with the Mommy track. It's really deadly for a career, despite the flexibility afforded, it's not really mentally healthy in terms of work focus if one really enjoys their work, to have the threat of having to be interrupted all the time. I work from home and do in-depth stuff that requires a lot of thinking and focus and long uninterrupted periods of time. I have kids, two of them at home, and the only way I can actually make any progress with my work and not go insane from constant interruptions (literally) or having to contingency plan for them on a 24-7 basis, literally, is when my kids go to their dad's house or are in school on days when I pay a sitter to be on call because I have meetings that can't be interrupted except for life-threatening situations (and even in that case, I expect the school to act first and notify after).


----------



## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I only have a few moments to reply, but wanted to touch on a few topics here.

1. - The fact that he reneged on an agreement (especially given the depth and length to which we discussed it) quite honestly irritates me. Sure, we are all allowed to change our minds - but not without discussion first. That's how I see it. I would afford him the same consideration if the situation was reversed.

2. - Do I trust him to make a good decision? For himself - yes. Something that takes into account how it will affect everyone else in the household (me and the kids) - no. This is why I am so concerned. He tends not to think about the childcare period, or my job period. Then I am left to scramble and pick up the pieces. I am already under a LOT of stress and cannot fathom being put on this rollercoaster again.

3. - I, too, have a career which I went to school for. There was a time when I was pregnant a few years ago when I was laid off from my job and went without a job for a year (was a SAHM). I knew we could not afford for me to stay home permanently, nor would I want to, but at that time I gave my husband a choice. I could pursue a career again - get back on track and focus on what I went to school for - or I could focus on finding a steady job that would be minimal responsibility and would leave me more time to handle the kids. He asked me - INSISTED - that I pursue a career and not just get a mindless hold-over job. So I did it. I have been climbing the ladder ever since I went back to work. I recently took a promotion two months ago - with his blessing - which means I am working much longer hours than before. I deal with sexism and "role reversal" every day in my workplace. I am the only woman in my department and I manage a staff of 30 men. Above me are only men. I don't enjoy the role reversal, just like I am sure my husband doesn't enjoy it, but my response to be honest is tough sh!t. We made our bed, now we lie in it - at least while the kids are small. He doesn't see it that way, even though he preaches that he does. Here I am, doing what he asked me to do, and I am so far down the career path now that I don't see how it makes sense for me to go back, and at my current job I can't go back down the ladder to less responsibility and hours now. Truthfully - had I known that he might be jumping ship and looking for another job so soon - I would NOT have accepted the promotion. I accepted it with his blessing and now I feel angry that he is doing things to make our collective life more difficult.

4. - Despite that we are both working professionals, we do not make enough money to afford a nanny or any help with our childcare. (I have looked into it.) We are in the boat of so many other lower-middle-class americans who work their butt off and don't have much to show for it. Part of the reason is that combined we both have $200k in student loans to pay up on. H and I are both young so I know our money situation will change with time, but for right this moment we don't have any other options. Children came at a very inopportune time for us financially (they were not planned). I had two kids basically the moment that we both graduated with our degree, so those student loan payments hit us when we were at the beginning of our careers and before we had a steady job, or a steady place to live, or a handle on our bills.

Despite me venting here, I have been nothing but smiles and support to my H in real life. At the end of the day I am trying to be a "good wife" and do the right thing to support him. All I see is that I feel that I am discriminated against at every turn in my life for being a working mother...supposed to be at all places at all times for my kids, which breaks my heart...supposed to be the hard-ass boss at work that doesn't show the weakness of my gender...supposed to come home and cook dinner and be the mommy at the end of a long work day (which I do with a smile on my face)...and then supposed to support my husband when he changes everything up on me at the last minute without discussion. It's a lot to shoulder...that's all.


----------



## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

kag123 said:


> I only have a few moments to reply, but wanted to touch on a few topics here.
> 
> 1. - The fact that he reneged on an agreement (especially given the depth and length to which we discussed it) quite honestly irritates me. Sure, we are all allowed to change our minds - but not without discussion first. That's how I see it. I would afford him the same consideration if the situation was reversed.
> 
> ...





I felt I had to give an opinion here. I understand what the men here are saying; however, it sounds like you discussed this with your husband extensively. It sounds like he was in agreement and insisted you have a career. Sounds like you communicated about this all before your promotion. 

The comments by some here exemplify a double standard that many women are so tired of. You want us to work and have a career. You want us to provide child care. You want us to cook and clean, but we had better not be too tired for sex. Really....just because we are women. 

I also understand not having enough income to pay a nanny. Most people I know are just trying to pay their bills with both people working. There isn't a lot of extra for cleaning people and nannies.

I have been in a similar spot as you. When my son was young, I was building my career. I was divorced and received no help and no child support. In my profession, I had to travel a week or so each month. I had to ask for my parents to help with after school and evening childcare. I couldn't afford a nanny. I was constantly berated about being a bad mother and only focusing on myself. What was I supposed to do? Quit my job, which was very promising? Go on welfare? I was constantly being told I needed to make something of myself to give my son a better life, but then I was criticized for my job. 

I share my story to say I feel the double standard and understand you being upset about it. It gets frustrating. Women can never be enough, it seems. 

I would talk to your husband and express your concern. Ask why he is all of a sudden changing his mind? Is he feeling resentful? Why did he agree to this if he couldn't follow through? How does he expect you to pick the kids up when you are so far away? 

Don't let him off the hook about this.

I agree with those of you who say her husband may become resentful. But what about the OP? Sounds like she might be the one sho ends up resentful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

kag123 said:


> I have been nothing but smiles and support to my H in real life.


Okay after reading all of your last post I'm so inclined to change MY mind. What would happen if you told him straight up, firmly but wrapped in love how you really felt? That he agreed 6 months ago to this and now you're angry that you're going to be left holding the bag now with the kids.


----------



## Jimena (May 28, 2012)

Don't let him off the hook about this.

I agree with those of you who say her husband may become resentful. But what about the OP? Sounds like she might be the one sho ends up resentful.

Both my husband and I have made a lot of career changes in the last 6 yrs. Each time, we've supported each other in a change, admittedly we're both stubborn and would probably go ahead with it anyway. However, it's never been a change away from a stable job.
AND we have no kids.

Its 99% probable he's grown tired of the parenting role. Well, he needs to think of the kids first. Be honest about what you support, also be honest about what you don't support. At a young age, it's not reasonable for both parents to be 30+ min away all the time. 

you may need to take back the role of the primary parent, maybe compromise that he can get a distant job after you get one closer.

Either way, you need to talk to him about how he feels in the parenting role. Maybe it might come down to making feel appreciated instead of just needed. Even though you expect him to do kid/home care, dont act like it. Find little ways to express to him how much these actions mean to you. Or find little ways to make him feel more manly.


----------



## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Well I didn't expect my wife to be a SUPER MOM and I don't think anyone can do that well forever. Something has to give and I think your experiencing that now. Usually its the kids or your sex life that suffers first then all hell breaks out. We purposely setup our lives so my wife could stay at home when our boys were young. We had to move to another state to do it, but it was worth it looking back. She gradually went back to work once the boys were in school all day. 

I think your feeling the pressure of today's middle class economic reality. That amount of school debt must be crushing your options and spirit to a degree. It would for me. I was trying to give you a man's point of view as usual but once you elaborated I can see your side of it more clearly. You sound like a great wife. I still think your marriage will end up in trouble if you expect your husband to play mommy forever. It never seems to work out in the long run. Sorry, but I'm pretty convinced that babies need their Mommies and Dads play a larger role starting around age 5. Do what you can to spend time with them. Screw the debt. I'm not saying my marriage is great or that I have a great retirement plan, but my boys know their loved and they turned out well. I can live with that.

Peace


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

kag123 said:


> I only have a few moments to reply, but wanted to touch on a few topics here.
> 
> 1. - The fact that he reneged on an agreement (especially given the depth and length to which we discussed it) quite honestly irritates me. Sure, we are all allowed to change our minds - but not without discussion first. That's how I see it. I would afford him the same consideration if the situation was reversed.
> 
> 2. - Do I trust him to make a good decision? For himself - yes. Something that takes into account how it will affect everyone else in the household (me and the kids) - no. This is why I am so concerned. He tends not to think about the childcare period, or my job period. Then I am left to scramble and pick up the pieces. I am already under a LOT of stress and cannot fathom being put on this rollercoaster again.


These two things seem to be the crux of it. He's being selfish and inconsiderate. How *can* you make him accountable? 

He placed himself before his relationship with his action. You can point that out to him, and see what he says. You can fight fire with fire and tell him if he doesn't uphold his end of the bargain, there will be consequences. 

Or you can put the relationship ahead of your own needs. (I don't recommend this unless and until he shows that he recognizes what he's done wrong, though!) If he gets a job offer, you can accommodate him if the relationship is important enough, but in doing so you're taking a risk that he won't reciprocate that same consideration - given his current actions.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I think you're experiencing the effects of giving too much without getting much in return. It doesn't really sound as though this situation you're trying desperately to protect as the status quo is even working. You can't change someone, you can only change yourself, and frankly, you're managing, so the only thing left to change is your opinion of yourself. Rather than being the woman whose husband has left her hanging, be the woman who is running her life and raising her children according to her own principles and values and work and family ethic REGARDLESS of whether her husband wants to be a selfish lying slacker or not. I have a friend who does this and she has no issues with self-esteem. She informs her husband of the daily game plan but she doesn't allow him to have any responsibility that he can't be counted on to carry out. She has now taught her daughter how to come home alone after school, since her daughter is now age-appropriate. She sought out friendships with others including myself and forged bonds rather than wait on her husband to develop mutual friends with shared interests. I go camping with her, sometimes her husband makes an appearance, but never spends the night. He doesn't like camping. Whatever, my friend enjoys her time camping, it is something that was important for her to do with her family. You have to make your life with what you have available to you as realistic possibilities and to shore it up to make it predictable and manageable. After that you really have to leave it up to your husband. Obviously, he doesn't share your values about living up to a commitment to be there for the children due to your long commute. Take that to heart, and listen to what he is telling you and showing you. You can tell him you are disappointed and hurt, what he does with that information is really up to him. Even if you get your way you can never really count on him. So it's the same as if you had to be responsible for it all yourself anyway, with contingency planning, which is often worse than the real situation, as it's full of different negative circumstances for which you have to plan, vs. the mundane day to day routine which might border on grueling some days but is never really traumatic. It's the daily planning for traumatic events and contingencies that really wears one down emotionally...the thought of being exposed to emergencies where you have to drop and go. Vs. the planned being there. Way different. If your husband dropped dead or became disabled, you would cope, actually you would do more than cope. You would adjust to the new situation. You can adjust to the new situation as clearly your husband is dead and disabled in the keeping of commitments. Different framework, same action, better results.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> I only have a few moments to reply, but wanted to touch on a few topics here.
> 
> 1. - The fact that he reneged on an agreement (especially given the depth and length to which we discussed it) quite honestly irritates me. Sure, we are all allowed to change our minds - but not without discussion first. That's how I see it. I would afford him the same consideration if the situation was reversed.
> 
> 2. - Do I trust him to make a good decision? For himself - yes. Something that takes into account how it will affect everyone else in the household (me and the kids) - no. This is why I am so concerned. He tends not to think about the childcare period, or my job period. Then I am left to scramble and pick up the pieces. I am already under a LOT of stress and cannot fathom being put on this rollercoaster again.


To me, it sounds like he discovered that he doesn't enjoy being more responsible for the children. Maybe he thought he would be ok with it, but isn't liking it. So, he's found a way out...get a new job. 

Have you had any discussions with him how he feels about his expanded childcare role? 

Or maybe it forced him to think about his life, and he realized he had to finally do something about finding a new job. Change (like being more responsible for the kids) can cause us to question our decisions and consider our options.

Or maybe he thinks he can get a job that pays significantly more. Maybe he feels he isn't pulling his weight as provider at his current job.

It could be a lot of things, or a combination of things. Communication, communication, communication. You still may not agree with him, but you have to find out why he thinks this is good timing to look for a new job when it seems like the worst possible timing to you.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Perhaps there is another way to look at this. You say that you do not have the money for child care or nanny.

I would tell my husband that I understand his desire to advance his career. But since he also will not accept me not advancing mine we need to find a way to make this work.

This means that he will need to find a job that mades enough more income to pay for child care or a nanny.

You can also both look at your budget to figure out what you can do to cut out any expenses to make it all doable.

A couples of years ago I started looking at my budget... I cut out cable TV. we now have local TV and down load movies from net flix.. that save a nice sum every month. And you know what.. we like netflix better because even at $100 a month for cable tv most channels had nothing worth watching or reruns.

Think outside the box.. what would be needed to pull this off?


----------



## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Ok...I took a couple of days away from this thread to let some of it sink in, and to try to let some of my emotion settle before talking about it again. I have some strong emotion tied to some of the things touched on here in principle, but that has nothing to do with my actual problem with my husband at this moment so I am trying to make sure I separate the two.

Someone asked if I knew why he had a sudden need to act on finding another job. Well, three things have happened very recently. First, I got the promotion and now I make just slightly less what he makes. For all of our tine together he has been the breadwinner by a long shot and now I am catching up. Second and third, two pf his coworkers in his department who have been there many years have found new jobs and left within the last month. These coworkers had been there almost as long as my husband has. I imagine that some combination of these things lit the fire under his butt.

Due to his manager leaving, I personally think the most common sense solution would be for my husband to lobby for his job. He is overqualified for it and it would mean a nice increase in salary for him. It would also afford us the opportunity to perhaps fix some of our childcare issues that are related to not having the money for a nanny or extended care. I know it is a band aid solution only...he has been complaining for years he is not happy at this company anymore so I know this does not take him out of that situation. But getting paid more money to coast along at the same level of unhappiness while remaining so close to home is what I would do in his shoes as the most practical short term solution. I know he probably would not agree. And I know he is not me, and doesn't make the same decisions I would make.

I just think that you need to think in terms of the common good when married, and that requires sacrifices. I am asking him to ride the wave at his current company and wait until a better time to think about moving on. If that makes me evil...then I don't know how we can make this work.

Personally I think he should be happy for me for being successful in my career at this moment and that he should be willing to shoulder the children for the time being. We are both so young, this situation is not forever. We will be in our mid forties when our kids are in college, we have still got plenty of time to further our careers. Asking him to put it on hold for a couple years doesn't seem like a huge deal to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Your basically trying to emasculate your husband. He may agree to it for a while but he will never be happy about it (your words). I hope that your willing to lose him over your beliefs because thats the most likely senario if you keep pushing. Once your off the preferred career track its very hard to get back onto the same track. You obviously know this, but for some reason think it only applies to you. You may win the battle of wills but you won't win the war of marriage.


----------



## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

How is she supposed to handle picking the kids up when shes a long way from home daily? Most jobs don't let you just leave whenever.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

