# Anyone to talk to about marriage issues?



## Ernesto123 (Jul 31, 2020)

Hi everyone, I am really new to this forum. I'm having an issue that's unfortunately really common. I've been married with my wife for about 4 years, together 7. We have a 6 year old son in which we both love and hope for the best life for him. In the past, I have cheated multiple times and I confessed because my OCD guilt was killing me alive. She decided to stay with me. This was all before we got married. I begged to stay with me because I didn't want my son to be raised with a separated family. At that time I didn't really know I guess that I didn't really "love" her. It was more of a let's stay together for our kid and see if it works. I have been in denial for almost our entire relationship. We've known each other for a long time, grade school but I never thought we'd come this far whatsoever. We'd hang out sometimes but it was never a limerence feeling, I never had the "butterflies." And now I come to realize that, that's what I'm missing in this marriage. I love her a friend, as a partner, and my sons mother. We've always been open with each other, she's supported me after all my mental issues, which are a big part of me. I've already told her how I felt and obviously she's crushed. I feel sad too, I want to love her that way but I just CANT. It makes me depressed that I can't feel that way towards her. I've brought up divorce but it makes me sad. I know I will miss her as a friend, as the person I can talk to about anything. But I really want to LOVE. People say that love in not a feeling its a choice, but I believe there has to be a feeling in order to make a choice. For example: I CHOOSE to take care of you because I LOVE you, I CHOOSE to make you this plate because I LOVE you. I don't feel that love with my wife and I WISH I did but I don't. This issue started hitting me about a year ago and everyday I'm depressed. Please help, I'd appreciate it.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

What's the question that you have? Tell us about your divorce.


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## Ernesto123 (Jul 31, 2020)

NextTimeAround said:


> What's the question that you have? Tell us about your divorce.



Thanks for taking the time to reply. Well, I am not yet divorced, maybe just separated from my wife. I posted on the thread reguading my sitaution. Long story short. I feel like I've never been truly in love with my wife, but why does a divorce make me extremely sad? I've tried to work on this but it kills me every day that I can't feel the love I want to feel. And my wife is almost perfect, she's beautiful, kind, smart, supportive. I just can't make myself love her that way. But thinking about divorce makes me sad and I know I will miss her.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Ernesto, have you gone to Individual Counseling? Is this something you JUST started feeling recently or have you always felt this about your wife?
I really think IC should be considered before you drop a bomb on her like this.


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## Ernesto123 (Jul 31, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> Ernesto, have you gone to Individual Counseling? Is this something you JUST started feeling recently or have you always felt this about your wife?
> I really think IC should be considered before you drop a bomb on her like this.


I haven't yet. In the beginning of our dating relationship, I obviously felt something although it was never that " I can't wait to see her again" love. I mean, at some point I was happy to be with her hence we have a kid together and I would always tell myself I'll never have a child with someone who's not significant to me. Here I am, obsessing if I ever really did love her that much. But the thought of divorce hurts me. I don't know if its because I'm used to her and the life we have now even though I feel depressed because I don't feel the love I want to feel for her. Mentally, I have my issues especially with OCD but I know how to differ OCD from real feelings and these are real. I'm just so tired of fighting these thoughts everyday, I wish I didn't care so much that I can just live contently enough.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Ernesto123,

I merged your two threads into this one. You will get better support with on thread on your topic.


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## Lady-A (Jul 29, 2020)

Hi. I think I understand where you are coming from. I am sort of in the same situation. I did love my husband in the beginning though, but have since fallen out of love. I think. It’s all so confusing. I was the one who was cheated on by my husband more than once. I think that is when I started to fall out of love with him. We also have children in common and that makes it all so much harder. I, like you care about my husband deeply and we are good friends and I don’t want to hurt him or our children so I also feel very stuck and don’t know what to do. I am also afraid. Afraid of the unknown, starting over, financial situations, sharing my children. Avoiding these situations may be why I have stayed so long. Could it be the same for you?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ernesto123 said:


> I haven't yet. In the beginning of our dating relationship, I obviously felt something although it was never that " I can't wait to see her again" love. I mean, at some point I was happy to be with her hence we have a kid together and I would always tell myself I'll never have a child with someone who's not significant to me. Here I am, obsessing if I ever really did love her that much. But the thought of divorce hurts me. I don't know if its because I'm used to her and the life we have now even though I feel depressed because I don't feel the love I want to feel for her. Mentally, I have my issues especially with OCD but I know how to differ OCD from real feelings and these are real. I'm just so tired of fighting these thoughts everyday, I wish I didn't care so much that I can just live contently enough.


Have you ever felt "that' with anyone?

I also think that you would benefit from individual counseling (IC). It's actually not all that unusual for a person to feel this way at some point in their marriage. In marriage, the feelings of "being in love" ebb and flow. People often will say "I love you, but I'm not in-love with you." Another thing that often happens is that when a person is in the "not in-love" state, they seem to have no memory of being in-love with their spouse.

How many hours of quality time do you and your wife spend together, just the two of you?

There are ways to build the feelings of love and passion in a marriage. There are two books that have helped a lot of couples restructure their relationship to be loving and passionate. The books are *"Love Busters"* and *"His Needs, Her Needs"* by Dr. Harley. If you read them and do the work they say to do, and you still do not feel the passion, then at least you will know that you did all that you can do.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I suspect that going through a divorce is a sense of failure to you, But staying married meant you somehow are living a lie in the sense you truly don’t love this woman the way she would expect and deserves to be. So you are a cross road one in which you knew deep down you would eventually face by your actions and in actions. Right now stop thinking about you for a moment and think of her, should she not have the right to have someone who will love her without cheating on her? Some who sees her the way you haven’t? 
Personally I think your problem stems from a self esteem issue that was started long before your marriage....and cheating is nothing more than a revaluation of your worth...and that needs a good therapist to help you.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Love is an emotion that is not necessarily the same for everyone. It's why we have polyamory and monogamy, people who display a lot, and others you wouldn't know are in love. Hollywood doesn't help with their over the top portrayals.

I'm going to agree with the others that you need to start with some IC just for you, especially since you say you have CDO (it's Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but the letter are in the proper sequence!  ). But seriously, that's going to be the start. It can also help you to learn about you and how you love. You might be a naturally poly person. Or you might not, but it is still a question you have to answer about yourself. 

You might be one of those low key love types. Have you, in you various cheating relationships had that "I can't wait to see them again" feeling? And I want to narrow it down to you wanting to see the person again, not anticipating have sex with them. A major difference that is not always obvious from one's own point of view.

I think it is clear that you care for this woman, and as such, the two of you can have a successful relationship as parents living separately. There are lots of children who grow up with no issues simply because the parents care for each other and work together on raising the kids without being in love or living together. It's the ones that fight and use the children as prizes or leverage that create kids with problems.

But it still comes back to you figuring out you. We can only help so far. Professional help doesn't have to be lifelong. But it is most likely necessary at this juncture.

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Your feeling sad because divorce is sad. But you need to let your wife go so she can find someone who really loves her. The sooner the better, you guys aren’t getting any younger.


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## Ernesto123 (Jul 31, 2020)

Allistar said:


> Hi. I think I understand where you are coming from. I am sort of in the same situation. I did love my husband in the beginning though, but have since fallen out of love. I think. It’s all so confusing. I was the one who was cheated on by my husband more than once. I think that is when I started to fall out of love with him. We also have children in common and that makes it all so much harder. I, like you care about my husband deeply and we are good friends and I don’t want to hurt him or our children so I also feel very stuck and don’t know what to do. I am also afraid. Afraid of the unknown, starting over, financial situations, sharing my children. Avoiding these situations may be why I have stayed so long. Could it be the same for you?


yes, it’s a very very sensitive topic to talk about. My wife is crushed and it really hurts me to see her like that. And the uncertainty of the future makes it scary but it’s what I want. It’s what my mental health needs. I haven’t been my total self since this marriage no matter what I’ve tried to change. My lifestyle, my thinking etc. it’s just something that cannot not be forced and everyone deserves to be happy including my wife.
Thanks for the replies all, I appreciate the help.


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## Ernesto123 (Jul 31, 2020)

maquiscat said:


> Love is an emotion that is not necessarily the same for everyone. It's why we have polyamory and monogamy, people who display a lot, and others you wouldn't know are in love. Hollywood doesn't help with their over the top portrayals.
> 
> I'm going to agree with the others that you need to start with some IC just for you, especially since you say you have CDO (it's Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but the letter are in the proper sequence!  ). But seriously, that's going to be the start. It can also help you to learn about you and how you love. You might be a naturally poly person. Or you might not, but it is still a question you have to answer about yourself.
> 
> ...


yes, you are spot in everything you’ve said.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*@Ernesto123*

Have you seen a lawyer? You probably should since it seems you really don't want to stay in this marriage and don't sound motivated to even try to work on it. It sounds like your issue is simply that you don't want to be the bad guy who breaks up your son's family. But you need to face reality. You being miserable is not good for your family either.


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## Ernesto123 (Jul 31, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> *@Ernesto123*
> 
> Have you seen a lawyer? You probably should since it seems you really don't want to stay in this marriage and don't sound motivated to even try to work on it. It sounds like your issue is simply that you don't want to be the bad guy who breaks up your son's family. But you need to face reality. You being miserable is not good for your family either.


No, we are at the beginning part of this conflict. And now that we have been slightly separated I’m started to see more clearly. I don’t want to be in the marriage and knowing that fully gives me relief. I really love her a friend and I’ll always be there for her and I’ve told her, but I cannot be married with her anymore. I don’t want to do anything legally that will jeopardize the relationship with her so do you have any advice of how to go about that?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ernesto123 said:


> No, we are at the beginning part of this conflict. And now that we have been slightly separated I’m started to see more clearly. I don’t want to be in the marriage and knowing that fully gives me relief. I really love her a friend and I’ll always be there for her and I’ve told her, but I cannot be married with her anymore. I don’t want to do anything legally that will jeopardize the relationship with her so do you have any advice of how to go about that?


Interview at least 3 attorneys and find one who you think is willing to be very very fair in drawing up a settlement agreement. Many attorneys will give a free half hour to one hour appointment so you can interview them and decide if there is a good match. Also read up on you state's divorce laws so you know what to expect.

Then file for divorce making a fair offer. There is no kind way to divorce someone who does not want to be divorced. The best you can do is to just not get into a big fight over the division of assets, etc.

Also, you need to be open with your children and ensure them over and over that the divorce is not their fault. A lot of children blame themselves and it causes a lot of problems for them.

There is a chance that your wife will not be very cooperative as time goes on. You are taring her world and her family apart. She is very likely to come to see what you are doing as hostile. Be ready for that.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Ernesto123 said:


> No, we are at the beginning part of this conflict. And now that we have been slightly separated I’m started to see more clearly. I don’t want to be in the marriage and knowing that fully gives me relief. I really love her a friend and I’ll always be there for her and I’ve told her, but I cannot be married with her anymore. I don’t want to do anything legally that will jeopardize the relationship with her so do you have any advice of how to go about that?


Mediation could be a good option, depending on your circumstances. 

You need to understand though that you cannot divorce and hope to keep your wife as a friend. It doesn't usually work like that, especially when you've hurt her so badly. "I've never been _in_ love with you" is extremely hurtful and damaging. I've done a lot of ****ty and hurtful things to my wife but saying that line to her recently was by far the worst and the most destructive.


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## Ernesto123 (Jul 31, 2020)

bobert said:


> Mediation could be a good option, depending on your circumstances.
> 
> You need to understand though that you cannot divorce and hope to keep your wife as a friend. It doesn't usually work like that, especially when you've hurt her so badly. "I've never been _in_ love with you" is extremely hurtful and damaging. I've done a lot of ****ty and hurtful things to my wife but saying that line to her recently was by far the worst and the most destructive.


I know Bobert, it’s been very very hard. How are you and your wife doing right now?


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