# Please help



## ROWAN1 (Jun 21, 2012)

Hi Everyone
I am posting here to get some helping advice from moms and wives. I've been married for 4 years and we have a 6 month old. Our marriage has reached a level of harmony and true basis for understanding each other over the last 2 years. We try to be intimate but my wife says she is not desiring of it, for no explicable reason. She says something is missing. In addition, she says that she doesnt want to wake up in 20 years feeling that this was her life. She has said it may just be new mom hormones but she says she feels like a bird trapped in a cage and it has become so much more obvious to her since having the baby. She doesnt work and is at home all day (she doesnt work by choice and luckily our finances are in order so as not to be troubled by this choice). She is a great mom and makes me happy. But she has been very quiet and to herself the last few days and asked me to let her think it out. I feel so trapped and dont know what to do. She doesnt want to go on a trip with me and the boy because its too troubling and burdensome to gear him up (at this stage) for a trip and she says that she feels bad for me and thinks I deserve to be happy. There is no cheating going on - she just is very open. She has also philosophically said that divorce can be a harmonious thing and not such a bad thing although she has also said that this is not her way of saying she wants one, she is just referencing it as a conversational thought. We dated from a young age and has held some resentment toward me for feeling 'trapped' since day 1 because she didnt get to live out her youth and whenever she did want some space before we took the step toward marriage, I'd freak out acting as though the world was caving in around me and that's why she stayed in it. I dont know how much of this is hormones, how much of this is looking at baby and now having a symbol of what the rest of her life entails, or being at home with all these thoughts since she can't get away from baby...i dont know, I'm rambling..but it is killing me and I have no idea how to go about figuring this all out. I dont want a divorce and find myself to be a wimp by not standing up for myself more aggressively when she even mentions it in passing...help...


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## livnlearn (Mar 5, 2012)

Though some disagree and and think it's ridiculous...being a stay-at-home parent is tough. Especially mentally. As much as you might love and enjoy being with your children..they are children, and adults need adult contact from time to time. As you know, babies consume all your time and energy and it is easy to lose yourself when you are the primary caregiver.

As for feeling trapped because you've been together since a young age..I can relate to that. My husband and I started dating at 16 and got pregnant at 20. We are 47 now and there have been times where those thoughts have entered my mind...and my husbands too. We got through them though. Your wife will hopefully get to a place where she will see that while, yeah..she missed out on a few things..what she gained was so much more.

Maybe your wife can get a part-time job..or volunteer..or join a book club. Anything really..just something that she gets to do by herself where she can be reminded that she is not only a mom and wife, but an individual with her own interests, thoughts and desires.

What your wife is experiencing is actually pretty common in new moms and I have a feeling that with your understanding and support in helping her through it, "this too shall pass".

certainly though, if she continues to seem unable to enjoy her life, she may be clinically depressed, and then you should suggest she see her physician for help in dealing with it.

I wish you both the best!


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

I just don't get it anymore. An adult women makes adult free willed choices to get married, have a baby and stay at home. Now she feels "trapped" somethings "missing" and decides to make this poor guy who thinks he is a good dad (probably is) and a good husband (probably is) question everything and hurt.

There is an economic term that applies to all facets of life: Opportunity costs. In this situation the opportunity cost of having a stable, grown up marriage with a baby and a good guy is she doesn't get to be with the other 3 billion men on the planet or the countless other scenarios in life she might have chosen. No matter what she does, she will always be "missing something".


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## livnlearn (Mar 5, 2012)

Paulination said:


> I just don't get it anymore. An adult women makes adult free willed choices to get married, have a baby and stay at home. Now she feels "trapped" somethings "missing" and decides to make this poor guy who thinks he is a good dad (probably is) and a good husband (probably is) question everything and hurt.
> 
> There is an economic term that applies to all facets of life: Opportunity costs. In this situation the opportunity cost of having a stable, grown up marriage with a baby and a good guy is she doesn't get to be with the other 3 billion men on the planet or the countless other scenarios in life she might have chosen. No matter what she does, she will always be "missing something".


so you have never ever second-guessed any of your life decisions? even briefly? 

you must be a better person then the rest of us 
Paulination.


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

livnlearn said:


> so you have never ever second-guessed any of your life decisions? even briefly?
> 
> you must be a better person then the rest of us
> Paulination.


Any decisions? ofcourse, all of the time. But when I made a decision that effects more people then myself and I involve innocent children in it then before I would go and destabilize it and hurt people, I would need a better reason then "somethings missing".

This comes close to home as you can tell because I recieved a very similar speach from my wife and I know the life I provided was exactly what she wanted.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I would encourage her to go back to school, learn more about something she LOVES. If you do something you love.... happiness happens. 

I would also, gear up the baby and take him out with you, invite her or offer her baby-free time. Get a baby backpack, and show her just how adaptable babies can be. I had 5 in 6 years.... w/ backpacks and strollers,we went everywhere. The baby is a big PART of life now... so make him fit YOUR life, not the other way around. 

I think some people think that if you have a baby, fun days are over. It doesn't have to be that way, and you might have to SHOW her... not ask her.


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## Cara (Aug 15, 2010)

Paulination said:


> I just don't get it anymore. An adult women makes adult free willed choices to get married, have a baby and stay at home. Now she feels "trapped" somethings "missing" and decides to make this poor guy who thinks he is a good dad (probably is) and a good husband (probably is) question everything and hurt.
> 
> There is an economic term that applies to all facets of life: Opportunity costs. In this situation the opportunity cost of having a stable, grown up marriage with a baby and a good guy is she doesn't get to be with the other 3 billion men on the planet or the countless other scenarios in life she might have chosen. No matter what she does, she will always be "missing something".


As a woman who chose to stay home w/ 2 kids I can tell ypu that unless you do it, you will never understand how bad it can be unless you experience it yourself. I had my first son at 32 & still felt like I had made the worst choice. I felt like I was sufforcating or drowning every single day, but you just have to keep on because those kids deserve your best. So, you cry whenever you get some slone time to get a little of the stress out, submit to your husband even though his every touch makes your skin crawl and tell yourself hundreds of times each day that this horroible life you have chosen cannot go on forever. That is how I spent the past 5 years. Yes, it is REALLY that bad for many stay at home moms.

I suppose it unfair for a husband to bring home the bacon & wash the occasional load of laundry & have to listen to his housewife's complaints, but a wife deserves a husband who can handle it when his wife isnt happy & satisfied with whatever life hands her. Women are rsised to want to stay home if the finances afford it because it is truly much better than daycare raising the kids. However, nobody tells you how soul crushing that job can be. Have you ever spent years feeling no reason to get out of bed other than your obligation? That is the reality of many stay at home moms.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Has she seen her doctor?

Post Partum depression?


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

Cara said:


> As a woman who chose to stay home w/ 2 kids I can tell ypu that unless you do it, you will never understand how bad it can be unless you experience it yourself. _Posted via Mobile Device_


What I understand is what I am told. My wife always wanted to be a SAHM and just a couple of weeks ago told me that even when our youngest is in pre-school she still wants to stay at home (instead of working PT which I suggested she may want to try).

What other way is there to interpret that? The problem is when at some point she decides that isn't what she wanted and then re-writes all of this and feels resentment towards me. Same thing happenned earlier this year. "I'm not happy and it has been building for 4 years". Why is this the first time I heard this? Then re-writes the last 4 years to make me out to be a bastard because I didn't "hear" her.

Sorry for the hijack and rant. This dynamic just drives me nuts.


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