# Reconciliation vs D and remarrying your WS?



## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

Which is better? I know none of the scenarios apply in my case but I was curious about what TAMers think about this topic.


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## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> I like your signature:smthumbup:


Um.. Coz it's yours? 

I think yours and Mr Adams case is uncommon on TAM. No TT, no gaslighting, perseverance to keep the marriage truck running from both the parties.


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## tears (Jul 31, 2012)

If you are ambivalent about divorce and your significant other is remorseful I think its well worth the effort to at least give it a chance. Then divorce and remarriage becomes purely symbolic and entirely up to the two of you.

Its much harder trying to reconcile after a divorce unless you're already on the path, its an uphill task and in the end it can often get you nowhere.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

I don't know anyone who actually did divorce and remarriage on purpose as part of a plan to stay together. In the US I think divorce and marriage both are public records. Before I did it I would want to see what a lawyer has to say about it and I also might want to talk to someone else who did it and is a few years down the road. Aside from the legal aspect, they don't seem much different to me.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

I think D is showing your done with the marriage and person, yourself, and the unequal balance of that whole situation. The only way for it to be successful again, imho, is for the power of balance to come back to the relationship of both people that was there from their beginnings. That can happen, but it takes time, and real growth away from the assault to do so. 


-sammy


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

I think it all depends on the action of the WS if they are truly remorseful then you should consider or try Reconciliation but if you find yours self in a game of pin the tail on the excuses with a dash blame shifting then I would say divorce with extreme prejudice.


If a wayward spouses shows true remorse with action like full NC, full transparency, and take ownership of what they have done and the pain they caused then they deserve a consideration for R If they show none of this then F#$% them divorce and move on.


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## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

My own opinion after my *fail*- If I'd D'ed her after Dday #1, mine and my kids' lives still would have some semblance of normalcy. 

What I feel is D shows the WS that BS is willing to move forward without her. It makes the life of a BS easier also as his/her biggest trigger is the WS. If the WS grants a no-mess D with the terms in BS' favor, BS can be assured that the WS is remorseful. 

WS can work on themselves to know why did they do it. It also snaps the fog as being single again is tough. If they want to move forward without the BS, no harm done to anyone. 

A D is the biggest action a marriage can have. How it's executed speaks volumes about the BS and the WS.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

tears said:


> If you are ambivalent about divorce and your significant other is remorseful I think its well worth the effort to at least give it a chance. Then divorce and remarriage becomes purely symbolic and entirely up to the two of you.
> 
> Its much harder trying to reconcile after a divorce unless you're already on the path, its an uphill task and in the end it can often get you nowhere.


Hello, tears! Welcome back! What's the latest with you?


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Philat said:


> Hello, tears! Welcome back! What's the latest with you?


:iagree:

Yep, wassup?


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## john1068 (Nov 12, 2013)

brokeneric said:


> Which is better? I know none of the scenarios apply in my case but I was curious about what TAMers think about this topic.


I would never reconcile. Because our marriage vows were broken and stomped on, that marriage would need to be ended. My definition of reconciliation would be to start courtship over and, if R is genuine, remarry...With a prenup.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Divorce than date others until you don't remarry.
Seriously, whats the point? Work through it and reconcile or simply move on. 

No point divorcing as a consequence of cheating, if they know you are just going to remarry them anyway?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I've posted this before but I guess it's worth repeating.

I don't believe that anyone should try to "R" without making it clear that "D" is in process and that the BS will go through with the "D" unless the BS sees that the WS is giving everything the BS needs. *Reconciling from the comfort of a legal marriage gives the wayward a huge comfort (safety) zone from which to operate and they can act with the impunity if that is their personality (and it is their personality, that's why they had the affair in the first place). Staying in the marriage puts the BS in the position of weakness. If the BS files for "D" from the beginning, the WS will see quickly how committed the BS was or wasn't.*


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

The Middleman said:


> I've posted this before but I guess it's worth repeating.
> 
> I don't believe that anyone should try to "R" without making it clear that "D" is in process and that the BS will go through with the "D" unless the BS sees that the WS is giving everything the BS needs. *Reconciling from the comfort of a legal marriage gives the wayward a huge comfort (safety) zone from which to operate and they can act with the impunity if that is their personality (and it is their personality, that's why they had the affair in the first place). Staying in the marriage puts the BS in the position of weakness. If the BS files for "D" from the beginning, the WS will see quickly how committed the BS was or wasn't.*


Absolutely could not agree more. We would see many less false reconciliation and trickle truth if the betrayed simply filed on dday. My ex was going on about the fog until she got served. It makes it crystal clear that the betrayed is not bluffing (unfortunately too many try to).


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

When you get to the point of Divorce as a BS it is pretty clear that you are pretty much done with the whole thing. 
You may still love them. They have gaslighted you, lied to you to the point where a choice is made to end all that and to move on with a new life.

My ExW is trying to get back together with me ( at 3 years mind you) and approaches it as if she is married to me and all that implies. Unfortunately for her I have moved the goal posts after the Divorce. 

She is now in exactly the same position as any new person you were dating would be. The idea of moving back in and resuming married life just does not come in to it.

Do I find her attractive?
Do I want to spend time with her?
What is her history?
What does she want out of life and does it somewhat correspond to my ideas.

So. I run those tests and the answer is that I would not get past the first date. 

We all make mistakes in life. We all wish things were different sometimes, but the reality is that the woman I spent 25 years of my life with is"Just not that in to me" and has a questionable loyalty to a partner. 

I am okay with this because I know there are other women in the world who will be in to me as much as I am in to them.

So why the hell would anyone remarry someone they Divorced.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

I only know one couple that remarried after a divorce. The second marriage ended for the exact same reason it ended the first time. She cheated after a couple of years. You couldn’t get it figured out the first time and by the time you divorce and the bad blood that creates I don’t realistically know how anyone marries that spouse a second time. Lawyers and people love to say you can always remarry like its no big deal but its more fantasy than real life. 

I don’t even know how people even reconcile once a divorce action is started. How do you try and repair a marriage when you paying lawyers to tear it apart? Invariably your going to have disagreements with dividing up stuff, time with children etc. You get too many battles on too many fronts. Make the decision to D or to R and concentrate on one or the other. Its all in or all out. Being wishy washy just creates more indecision.


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

Personaly i am one of them that think that the only way to R. is to D.

The reason is simple: TRIGGERS!
Couples who rugsweep, forgive or whatever WILL ALWAYS HAVE TRIGGERS! It will haunt them for life.... so for me the only way possible for a R. is a good reset of your brain!
1- D. or seperation and goodbye
2- long period of moving on
3- once you find your peace of mind you will know better

For me R. is impossible without true remorse and full forgiveness.


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## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

I'd like to hear from guys like MattMatt, Racer who have reconciled.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

I didnt divorce and chose to stay to work it out. She knows she brought her family to the brink of destruction. I dont need to divorce her to show her how serious this is. She knows if she ever reverts back to her old self in the slightest, I'm gone. More importantly, I know that too.

My first priority/concern was the kids. I tried not to involve them and divorcing her with the intentions of R would have just complicated things with them.

My wife has been extremely remorseful and has done everything I could have hoped she would do. That being said, the most important thing is that I have accepted what needs to be done. I will never accept being anything less than first in her life, besides the kids. If she ever decides to make me anything less, she can go through life without me in it. I know it, she knows it, and thats all the matters.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

hawx20 said:


> I didnt divorce and chose to stay to work it out. She knows she brought her family to the brink of destruction. I dont need to divorce her to show her how serious this is. She knows if she ever reverts back to her old self in the slightest, I'm gone. More importantly, I know that too.
> 
> My first priority/concern was the kids. I tried not to involve them and divorcing her with the intentions of R would have just complicated things with them.
> 
> My wife has been extremely remorseful and has done everything I could have hoped she would do. That being said, the most important thing is that I have accepted what needs to be done. I will never accept being anything less than first in her life, besides the kids. If she ever decides to make me anything less, she can go through life without me in it. I know it, she knows it, and thats all the matters.


If you had no children with her, would you have considered reconciling?


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

survivorwife said:


> If you had no children with her, would you have considered reconciling?


No.

She was able to get a second chance because of my 5 year old daughter. So far, she has made every effort to make the best out of it. At this point, I am glad I decided to stay. Time will tell if she will make good on it. Worst case, I wont regret staying because my daughter would not have understood what was happening.

This was the best decision for me and my family. However if my daughter were not in the picture, I never would have stayed. Staying betrayed everything I have ever told myself and it haunts me everyday. My daughter is worth the effort though.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

I think it is silly and a waste of time, money, energy, etc... 

If you have it in you to forgive, why go through the steps of D just for the sake of forcing some sort of punishment. If you think they are worth staying with, I can't imagine why going through D is necessary. 

My own D has sucked enough that I hope to never have to live through another... and it has been amicable!


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

hawx20 said:


> No.
> 
> She was able to get a second chance because of my 5 year old daughter. So far, she has made every effort to make the best out of it. At this point, I am glad I decided to stay. Time will tell if she will make good on it. Worst case, I wont regret staying because my daughter would not have understood what was happening.
> 
> This was the best decision for me and my family. However if my daughter were not in the picture, I never would have stayed. Staying betrayed everything I have ever told myself and it haunts me everyday. My daughter is worth the effort though.


What did you do that makes you think she knows you will leave her next time?

Besides words.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

illwill said:


> What did you do that makes you think she knows you will leave her next time?
> 
> Besides words.


My actions towards her have changed quite a bit. I simply do not put up with any of her crap like I used to. Granted, she hasnt given me hardly any crap since dday, but the few times she has, i put a stop to her real quick. 

She knows that the only reason I initially stayed was the kids. She knows that if they werent in the picture that I would have been gone.

She saw the destruction she caused and the only reason it wasnt worse was because I agreed to stay and we hid it from the kids best we could. 

I think to the fact that I told her I wasnt going to have her on "house arrest" was a big factor in showing her if she did it again I was done. I told her when I decided to R that I wasnt going to police her. I gave her freedom back and told her she was free to do whatever. I told her I hope she makes the right choice and agrees to love me and the family more than herself.
I simply told her I dont want to have a marriage in police state because of fear of her cheating. I said if shes wants to cheat, then go for it. She knows the consequences if she does.

This may sound weird, but I simply do not care if she cheats again. I dont care because if she cheats again, it will be so malicious that I would never want to have anything to do with her. Cheating is malicious to begin with, but after seeing the aftermath and the destruction, for her to do it again would be so evil, I wouldnt want to be any part of her life. 

So I dont care because if she does it again, she simply is not worth caring about.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

I personally believe divorce tends to clean the slate. If they do re-marry neither can complain about a bad marriage, inattention, mind movies, lack of trust, etc. You get back on the ride at your own will and full knowledge of what happened.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> I personally believe divorce tends to clean the slate. If they do re-marry neither can complain about a bad marriage, inattention, mind movies, lack of trust, etc. You get back on the ride at your own will and full knowledge of what happened.


I wouldn't say FULL knowledge and just leave it at knowledge (as some never get the full knowledge).


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## nickgtg (Jan 11, 2013)

No to getting married again. I married her the first time because I felt she was "the love of my life, my everything, my soul mate." There was nothing I wouldn't have done for her. I mean I would have given my life to protect her.

She destroyed all of those feelings, and for me, there's no second chances. My two daughters have even told me that "mommy doesn't deserve you," and they're 11 and 14.

For me, once the trust is gone, I'll never give it back to you.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

I couldn't agree more with above posted. I have a now ww cheerleader h that feel if I can only forgive, we can move on, because he has 2 mentors ((h & w)) who married for 10 years, D for 4, & remarried for that past 5, realizing they should have never left each other. 

-sammy


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