# 1st year of marriage.. all lows..



## Sun_shine (Dec 30, 2011)

hi,

this is the 1st time i am sharing in a forum cos i cannot share these things with my family or his..hope someone can guide me..
we knew each other since school and got married this year after waiting for 15 years..wherein we faced our ups and down but always stood by each other and our love increased all the more everyday..I always dreamt how it would be like to be with him forever..spent all the 15 years dreaming and planning about our future..ipaid no heed to my parents, my family and went against everyone and got married to him(they were against due to different culture/caste/status/family background etc).. no one attended our wedding except his entire family and my family, no relatives, no friends..So after this great indian wedding..i found things strangely different from what i had understood.. his behaviour,his family.. everyone ..he used to talk so sweetly to me and with all kind words came out all of a sudden as an extrovert who was very much into flirting and porn etc post marriage.. i was not aware of this part of his personality.. and was devastated..i tried talking to him, trying to make him understand how it can harm our relation in future..cried, requested.. did evrything i cud to make him feel that it hurts me..but he never paid any attention to my requests..instead he started hiding and watching porn.. deleting history etc so that i donot know..i have surfed various websites as to what to do in such situations and tried every possible way just in the hope that things go ok again..so far 10 months have passed in our marriage.. and things are all the more worse.
he is addicted to watching porn .. he gets up in morning watches porn ... then comes to me to satisfy himself(this involves no foreplay or nice words..).. then sleeps for sometime.. gets up ..again watches porn..for another 2-3 hours.. and then sleeps off... i feel terrible .. we both work the 5days and when we are home on weekends.. this is what he does the entire day.. we DONT talk.. whenever i try it ends in arguments..we DONT share our feelings/plan for future..i miss him terribly.. its very painful when u are with someone u love heartily and wnat to be with all the time and he has no time for u.. and u see him just ogling at other girls...so whenever he comes to me for sexual needs, i feel to happy to be with him to deny him anything.. but feel all the bad when i understand .. that it was just a break for him from his porn movies..  i donot know what to do or whom to talk about this..
my parents were always against our marriage and will never help in sorting this.. and his parents will never understand..
as the last resort yesterday i blocked all porn websites from our pc.. today when he found out.. he misbehaved with me and turned aggresive and rude.. he said things like he will date other girls now and will not tell me.. and asked me to buy a spy camera to spy on him etc etc.. it was like how a drug addict reacts when u take his drug dose from him..
i dont want to be a nanny for him.. i love him too much and i know i will unblock this soon seeing him angry.. but i know it will spoil or marriage life.. i amnot able to respect him.. i dont wnat to lose him and want our marriage to work.. but dont know what to do anymore.. i feel as if he doesnt care about me ..my feelings and wil be more happy if iam not around.. or maybe if i die.. i wasnt like this.. and had faced everything to get married to him.. but i feel very weak now and feel like losing myself..please help me.. i dont have the streght to bear all this anymore...

regards..


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## R.J. (Dec 7, 2011)

Hi Sun Shine. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. It's even more unfortunate that everyone was against your marriage, but you obviously saw things differently. I swear this happened to me as well. My family didn't approve of my marriage, but they did at least attend the wedding. 

I'm not sure what to suggest to you. I've never dealt with anyone with an addiction. Have you tried asking him why does he deem it necessary to watch the porn? Have you asked what is it that he feel he's lacking in your marriage that makes him want to turn to porn?

Also, you mentioned a few times that you give in to his demands because you love him and you don't want to lose him. However, don't you think it's worse to compromise your beliefs and feelings for the sake of his immoral addiction? I think you should stand your ground and don't grant him access to the porn. I also think that if he turns to affairs just because he can't participate in cyber cheating, then this is something that you need to think about when it comes to spending the remainder of your life with him. 

I know that this is much EASIER said than done. However unfortunately it's the truth. I wouldn't want to be married to someone who threatens an affair or allowance to disgrace me. It's selfish of him.

Have you clearly expressed the pain that his porn watching causes you? Have you suggested counseling? I know it must be so hard not to be able to go to your family considering they'll only drown you with "I told you so." 

I do hope that you find the answers that you need to make things work for you. I suggest that you try counseling and if he refuses to participate then try it for yourself. You sound so lost, hurt, and afraid which are the worst combination of emotions to possess.

Goodluck Sun Shine.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Sun_shine said:


> hi,
> 
> this is the 1st time i am sharing in a forum cos i cannot share these things with my family or his..hope someone can guide me..
> we knew each other since school and got married this year after waiting for 15 years..wherein we faced our ups and down but always stood by each other and our love increased all the more everyday..I always dreamt how it would be like to be with him forever..spent all the 15 years dreaming and planning about our future..ipaid no heed to my parents, my family and went against everyone and got married to him(they were against due to different culture/caste/status/family background etc)..I know that indian parents are often very involved in who their children marry. I am glad that you had a love marriage. no one attended our wedding except his entire family and my family, no relatives, no friends..So after this great indian wedding..i found things strangely different from what i had understood.. his behaviour,his family.. everyone ..he used to talk so sweetly to me and with all kind words came out all of a sudden as an extrovert who was very much into flirting and porn etc post marriage.Who was he flirting with? It is common for brides to feel a letdown after the wedding. Now you are settling into married life, which is not as exciting as planning a wedding. . i was not aware of this part of his personality.. and was devastated..i tried talking to him, trying to make him understand how it can harm our relation in future..cried, requested.. did evrything i cud to make him feel that it hurts me..but he never paid any attention to my requests..instead he started hiding and watching porn..deleting history etc so that i donot know..i have surfed various websites as to what to do in such situations and tried every possible way just in the hope that things go ok again..so far 10 months have passed in our marriage.. and things are all the more worse.
> ...


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## R.J. (Dec 7, 2011)

@FirstYearDown, I respectfully disagree with your comment, "... If you are mature enough to get married, you should be mature enough to handle your issues as a couple."
This isn't fair at all. I agree that Sun_shine should probably refrain from discussing the issues with family, but it's not so easy to simply say handle them as a couple because both parties don't always cooperate. "Should be" and "are" are two different things. There should be healthy communication in marriage and each partner should be able to express their concerns, be heard, and understood, but this isn't always the case. How do you deal with a spouse who doesn't possess the maturity to deal with the issues as a couple, yet leaving the other spouse feeling confused, alone, misunderstood, and sometimes unloved?


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I suppose you are both indian but from different castes. So his family I gather are lower in that system than yours. I cant see you staying with him. He has now through marriage got his 'freedom'. Every thing he wants really. Even moved up in the caste system. 
I am sorry you will have to go back to your family however much it hurts. Most families do forgive their waywards children.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

R.J. said:


> @FirstYearDown, I respectfully disagree with your comment, "... If you are mature enough to get married, you should be mature enough to handle your issues as a couple."
> This isn't fair at all. I agree that Sun_shine should probably refrain from discussing the issues with family, but it's not so easy to simply say handle them as a couple because both parties don't always cooperate. "Should be" and "are" are two different things. There should be healthy communication in marriage and each partner should be able to express their concerns, be heard, and understood, but this isn't always the case. How do you deal with a spouse who doesn't possess the maturity to deal with the issues as a couple, yet leaving the other spouse feeling confused, alone, misunderstood, and sometimes unloved?


Sorry, I was not clear.

What meant is that they should be mature enough to handle their issues together, rather than running to Mom and Dad. 

I would live with a man before I married him, so that we could practice conflict resolution at that point. I would also have many discussions prior to marriage about our expectations and needs.

That is what I did with my husband and we have excellent communication. It took us a long time to be able to hash out difficulties in a way that was not counterproductive. We are far from perfect, but we have a solid and passionate marriage.

I don't agree that the OP has to go back to her family. She seems very independent; why can't she just live alone? I know her culture frowns on young women not living with their parents, but she does not seem overly influenced by Indian values.

There is nothing wrong or wayward about marrying who you love. Parents are not always right.


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## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

you poor thing. i married a brown guy... tho he's from pakistan.. but he's a hindu... kind of. 

you know, i never knew this until i got married, but brown people are freakin racist. like.. more than any culture i've ever experienced. because there's this racial tension that your family has placed on you then you just take it out on eachother. my mom has always been super supportive even tho my hubs parents still dont know about their precious son married a white girl. we used to let it come between us, but its just something we had to get over. mostly on my part. i had to let it stop bothering me and creating fights over it because at this point im expendable. lots of brown people say its not a real marriage until you get the brown familie's blessing. but if it let that bother me then it wouldnt be much of a life for either of us. it took like 1.5 years to get over it.. but it gets easier. 

about the porn thing.. if he wont listen to you about it upsetting you, then you might have to sink to his level. once i left my Battery Operated Boyfriend out on purpose and it striked something in him. it really hurt his feelings that i'd rather buzz away then get my kicks from him. when i explained how that's how i was feeling too the problem is slowly minimizing. i'm not saying its the best advice, but it kinnda worked for me. there's also a lot of pride in brown culture that you can manipulate to your advantage. what would his family and friends think if you left him because he was a gross pervert who couldnt satisfy his wife cuz he was too busy with choking the chicken? 

best of luck.. i hope you get through to him.. dont think it's your fault cuz he just seems like an *******.


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