# How long should a separation last before it becomes more harmful to the marriage?



## Chronotrigger (Feb 6, 2020)

My wife of 9 years recently asked for a separation. We have no kids together. She says she honestly does not know if she wants a divorce. I believe her when she says that. The reason for the separation is that she's approaching 50 and has never lived on her own. Plus, she lost a lot of weight in the last two years and wants to date while the separation is happening. I asked her how long she thinks the separation should last and she said a year, the length of a lease on her apartment. Her 22 year old son will be moving in with her to help pay the rent and bills. She said she doesn't mind if I date, too, but absolutely does not want to know if I have sex with another woman. She said it would hurt too much. She insists that she loves me, still, but feels she would regret not living on her own. I'm worried that a year gives her way too much time to date and have sex w other men, so much so that I fear it would greatly contribute to a divorce being the outcome. I can see 6 months, but a whole year???


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

You ok with this? Her having sex with other men?


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## Chronotrigger (Feb 6, 2020)

Torninhalf said:


> You ok with this? Her having sex with other men?


Of course not! But on a separation I can't stop her. I told her if I ever asked if she had sex w another man to lie to me and say no, if she had. I don't want to know. She said ok. She knows it would be incredibly painful for me.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Divorce her and let her have sex with as many men as she likes.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

So basically she gets a pass for a year and you want her to lie about whatever sex she has during that time so you’ll feel better?


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## Chronotrigger (Feb 6, 2020)

Openminded said:


> So basically she gets a pass for a year and you want her to lie about whatever sex she has during that time so you’ll feel better?


So I won't be tormented by the thought in case she decides she doesn't want to divorce.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It’s not really living on her own that she wants to experience. She could do that without “dating”. She wants to see if she can attract an upgrade.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Chronotrigger said:


> So I won't be tormented by the thought in case she decides she doesn't want to divorce.


You should be tormented by it anyway because it’s in the cards. That’s why she’s doing this.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

I realized you had posted about this already.
As others have said before, she wants to date and see what is out there. If she doesn’t find anything else she will come back to you.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

It would be helpful to stick to one thread.

Sounds like craziness to me. Why on earth would you agree to this?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Yes, let her move out and go **** other guys for a year. She won’t be coming back for sex, she won’t call you, she will be too busy with her other men. You can then have time to detach and maybe even regain your sense of self worth. A year won’t be enough. She’ll need at least two years of being pumped and dumped to get it out of her system, possibly even finding some extremely unlucky and miserable sap that will fall for her line of ******** and you MIGHT be lucky enough for him to take her off your hands. You might even find another woman that will get your mind off her.
However, whatever your problems that cause you to tolerate the intolerable will still be there.
I’m very sorry. Any man that would accept this colossal load of **** from his wife and pretend to believe it, needs some kind of help.
I don’t know how to help you or I’d offer some.
I think whatever it is may be too ingrained from years of emotional beat downs.
Counseling may help, but it would be unlikely you’re going to find someone gifted enough to help.


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## Chronotrigger (Feb 6, 2020)

I just want to know how long a typical separation should last...?


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Chronotrigger said:


> So I won't be tormented by the thought in case she decides she doesn't want to divorce.


You are literally begging this women to pick you after she has clearly told you she wants to taste test other men.

This is so abusive and a violation of a boundaries. What she described isnt a separation. She wants a year long hall pass while you wait around for her as if you were married.

If she truly wanted to experience life on her own, she wouldn’t have her son move in and begin her mission to date.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Chronotrigger said:


> I just want to know how long a typical separation should last...?


A separation is typically 3 months. WITHOUT SEEING OTHER MEN. Don’t let this woman make you believe her request is normal or healthy. This is abusive behavior.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Chronotrigger said:


> I just want to know how long a typical separation should last...?


???

What??

No one understands that question. The typical separation? Not many people separate, they just divorce. And it's probably only one in a million, or actually WAY less, men that would agree to separate under the conditions in your relationship. So no one can answer that question. Under _your circumstances_ the typical response would be to DIVORCE ASAP.

So I guess the answer to your question is: N/A.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Chronotrigger said:


> I just want to know how long a typical separation should last...?


It shouldn’t last any amount of time because you should not allow it at all. Allowing a separation like this at all for any amount of time is completely unacceptable. The answer is no separation and YOU file for divorce immediately because she thinks nothing of you, she has zero respect for you and she is not in love with you.

What the hell is wrong with you?
This has already been thoroughly explained and discussed back-and-forth on your last thread. Yet here you are, creating a new thread, asking the same question again.

You know what, I’ll change my guidance for you now so you’ll accept it and move on. You should allow the separation for as long as she wants it. Six months, one year, two years, whatever. As long as she wants the arrangement, you should stick with it.

Don’t worry about the fact that she has no respect for you, and this will tank it even further if that’s possible. Because at least maybe, occasionally, she’ll stop by and give you some pity sex in between the other man/men that she’s banging.

And then maybe in a year or two, when she’s even older and more used up, maybe she’ll come waltzing back in to offer you the leftovers as long as you keep providing resources and stability.
Or maybe not, but yes you should definitely accept the situation and embrace your pathetic cuckold life.


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## SGr (Mar 19, 2015)

Chronotrigger said:


> I just want to know how long a typical separation should last...?


This doesn't sound like a "TYPICAL" separation. 

Tapatalk


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Go read the Chump Lady. 









Home Page - ChumpLady.com


Chump Lady is the alter ego of blogger, cartoonist, and journalist Tracy Schorn, author of 'Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life – The Chump Lady’s Survival Guide.'




www.chumplady.com


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Chronotrigger said:


> I just want to know how long a typical separation should last...?


There’s no such thing as a typical separation.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Just when I think I've read the most pathetic post ever on TAM, along comes this. 

Okay. I'll respond to the question you pose about how long a separation should last before it becomes "harmful" to the marriage: NONE. There ya go ...

P.S. - And it's not like your wife is proposing a few weeks to stay away and gather her thoughts. She wants a year so she can screw other men and live the single life.

But if you really want this separation to be "successful" perhaps you can use the year to find out where your penis and testicles are hiding.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Prodigal said:


> Just when I think I've read the most pathetic post ever on TAM, along comes this.
> 
> Okay. I'll respond to the question you pose about how long a separation should last before it becomes "harmful" to the marriage: NONE. There ya go ...
> 
> ...


Amen to that.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

File for divorce, and have your separation start that way. If you both can't live without each other, you can get back together purposely and intentionally. Otherwise, start looking to date immediately - it will be much harder for you than her, especially if you are honest about just being separated and not divorced (or having filed).


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Asking for a year to go date and bang other men, hoping one comes along that she likes more than her husband—- that’s not a separation. She wants a divorce, she just doesn’t want the responsibility that goes with it and apparently doesn’t have the strength of character to just say she wants a divorce.
I can’t imagine a person accepting that their wife wants to chase other more attractive men and agreeing to it. Saying “don’t tell me, lie to me if you bounce in other ****s” is just cringeworthy. 

OP, she has no intention whatsoever of staying married to you. She’s lying to you. She won’t come back to you except for financial reasons.
And she will still cheat: Dude, you have just SHOWN her you will accept her ****ing other guys and even said you’re ok with her lying to you about it. You can’t even open the marriage, because she wants to be single totally. That’s not wanting a separation, it’s wanting a divorce. Give it to her. Don’t you see you dint have a choice??????


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Chronotrigger said:


> My wife of 9 years recently asked for a separation. We have no kids together. She says she honestly does not know if she wants a divorce. I believe her when she says that. The reason for the separation is that she's approaching 50 and has never lived on her own. Plus, she lost a lot of weight in the last two years and wants to date while the separation is happening. I asked her how long she thinks the separation should last and she said a year, the length of a lease on her apartment. Her 22 year old son will be moving in with her to help pay the rent and bills. She said she doesn't mind if I date, too, but absolutely does not want to know if I have sex with another woman. She said it would hurt too much. She insists that she loves me, still, but feels she would regret not living on her own. I'm worried that a year gives her way too much time to date and have sex w other men, so much so that I fear it would greatly contribute to a divorce being the outcome. I can see 6 months, but a whole year???


Listen, 50-year-old women aren't exactly a hot commodity and neither are 50-year-old men. Men her age are still wasting their time staring at 20, 30 year olds. 

I saw someone else posted some old post of yours where you were afraid of a situation back some time ago, but if that hasn't ever gelled, it's never going to. 

I still think you should just file for divorce because what about when she starts spending money and you're still responsible for that? If you're going to do it, do it legally, get the assets mandated so everything can't go to hell financially during this time. 

I think it's funny you said she said she wants to live on her own but she's not. She's taking her son with her. So she's still not on her own and she's taking taking a Class A obligation with her she'll end up still taking care of. So there goes that initial post of yours and any rationale about her wanting to be on her own. She's dragging the anchor with her. *Why haven't you called her out on that? * Seriously.

The length of the separation should be dictated by the laws in your state because separations do lead to divorce.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

If he doesn’t file for divorce he is risking both finAncial and emotional ruin.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

WHAT? I thought you had decided it's over in your other thread?
What is this? 🤦‍♂️

Separation is a prelude to divorce, in my country you have to be separated for a full year before you can legally split. But if you don't have such laws in your country you know what I would say? 
GTF OUT OF MY LIFE!  

Disappointed, I thought we were getting somewhere with you


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

How long should seperation be before it's harmful to a marriage? lol 

That's like asking how many times you can stab a corpse before it's actually dead 🤦‍♂️


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Chronotrigger said:


> She says she honestly does not know if she wants a divorce.


Translation: I honestly don’t know if I will find someone better than you, but I’m sure going to try.

She’s probably already got someone in mind.

I am so sorry that you’re hurting, and you don’t want to believe what is happening to you. But she’s already gone, you just have to let yourself believe.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Chronotrigger said:


> So I won't be tormented by the thought in case she decides she doesn't want to divorce.


You're not tormented by the fact that your wife wants top take a vacation from your marriage to potentially have sex with another man? Are you allowed to have sex with other women?

Seems like if you are asking this question it's already harmful to your marriage. 

Honestly your wife is probably the kind of women who does this, takes a brake from her marriage and potentially audition men, because you are the type of guy whose wife does that and instead of kicking her to the curve because you know you can do better, you seemingly desperately want her back. People like your wife who want to have more then one relationship at the same time pick people who they know will let them do that and take them back.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

There's already another dude. They already had sex. She's not yet sure if he's willing to commit to her. She needs you out of the way to better her chances of locking him down.

Dear God, man. Run fast and far away.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

dadstartingover said:


> There's already another dude. They already had sex. She's not yet sure if he's willing to commit to her. She needs you out of the way to better her chances of locking him down.
> 
> Dear God, man. Run fast and far away.


I agree, but in this case, I doubt it’s a particular dude. I think this woman is so slimy that she just wants to go out and screw.
I also suspect that she may be less heavy, but is still no Heidi Klum.... she is getting some attention and had she been getting it in the past, OP would have finally gotten tired of her cheating. Maybe..
I think this woman is just a poor specimen both physically and likely a sociopath. She has zero empathy for others. If OP has a big life insurance policy, I’d be scared to drink the orange juice when she was around.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> I also suspect that she may be less heavy, but is still no Heidi Klum.... she is getting some attention


You know what the rate of divorce is after bariatric surgery? 85%


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

dadstartingover said:


> You know what the rate of divorce is after bariatric surgery? 85%


No, but I suspected as much


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

Chronotrigger said:


> Of course not! But on a separation I can't stop her. I told her if I ever asked if she had sex w another man to lie to me and say no, if she had. I don't want to know. She said ok. She knows it would be incredibly painful for me.


In most marriages all these requests and topics of conversation would mean the marriage is over. 
Most all guys would certainly not think these arrangements are ok. Ymmv.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

Chronotrigger said:


> Of course not! But on a separation I can't stop her. I told her if I ever asked if she had sex w another man to lie to me and say no, if she had. I don't want to know. She said ok. She knows it would be incredibly painful for me.


You can't stop her but you can save your self respect. You certainly can't count on her coming back.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Chronotrigger said:


> My wife of 9 years recently asked for a separation. We have no kids together. She says she honestly does not know if she wants a divorce. I believe her when she says that. The reason for the separation is that she's approaching 50 and has never lived on her own. Plus, she lost a lot of weight in the last two years and wants to date while the separation is happening. I asked her how long she thinks the separation should last and she said a year, the length of a lease on her apartment. Her 22 year old son will be moving in with her to help pay the rent and bills. She said she doesn't mind if I date, too, but absolutely does not want to know if I have sex with another woman. She said it would hurt too much. She insists that she loves me, still, but feels she would regret not living on her own. I'm worried that a year gives her way too much time to date and have sex w other men, so much so that I fear it would greatly contribute to a divorce being the outcome. I can see 6 months, but a whole year???


Increase your testosterone by natural means if you can and by injection if you can't.

She obviously isn't going to be living on her own if her son is moving in to help so She is obviously full of shyte and just wants to f around while keeping you waiting for her.

She is going to get whatever men she can despite having made vows with you and expects you to taste the other men's leftovers by taking her back if she can't land a better replacement.

What exactly is attractive about this lizard?

More importantly, why are you even considering this ridiculous arrangement?

Your behavior is far more like a beaten eunuch than that of a free man with his own will.

What happened to you?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

ConanHub said:


> More importantly, why are you even considering this ridiculous arrangement?


Probably, because he's a man that has such low self respect that in order to keep the woman he's willing to be a cuckold.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Rob_1 said:


> Probably, because he's a man that has such low self respect that in order to keep the woman he's willing to be a cuckold.


Aye and maybe he could clean her bedding for her after she does the hoho dance with the flavor of the week?

Maybe she would really like him then?😂


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## Chronotrigger (Feb 6, 2020)

I've made a decision. 

My wife's primary reason for wanting the separation is that she's almost 50 and has never lived on her own. She wants to know she can do it. Problem with this reason is that she said she might move her adult son in with her during the separation, so to me that excuse doesn't hold water. I believe the real reason for the separation is me and my bad traits that I developed on the last couple of years. I had a really fat gut, went down to showering once a week, rarely brushed my teeth and started smoking cigars every day. The other stuff is bad enough but the cigar smoking was the worst because she lost her mom to lung cancer from a lifetime of cigarette smoking. She says the cigar smoke reminds her of what killed her mother. In retrospect, I became a fat, lazy, selfish asshole. 

Last September I had weight loss surgery of my own and have lost about 70 pounds. The gut is gone and I'm at my goal weight. The last month I started really taking care of myself as far as hygiene and exercise goes. I'm also now going with my wife to Yoga classes. It's actually a great workout.

She's been responding very positively to all of this. She was very affectionate a couple of days ago - more so than I've seen in a while. It was nice. So I'm going to keep up the positive changes in me and make them permanent. Now for my decision....

We can't separate until the lease on our rent house is up in six months. She can't afford to move out on her own yet. I believe that if I continue doing what I'm doing that she will, before the lease is up, decide she doesn't want to separate. But if by some chance we get to the end of the lease, I've consistently shown that I'm committed to bettering myself, and she STILL wants the separation, then I've decided there will be no separation. We will file for divorce. She's already shown positive reaction to me caring more about being a better man, so if she still wants a separation then I know this isn't about me, either. I'll know that there's some other reason that she hasn't told me.

Either way, there will be no separation. But I'm not tipping my hand by telling her this. I'm going to let her believe the separation will still happen after the lease is up if she wants it. That gives me six months to make positive changes in me while we continue living together. I also know she won't be dating other guys while we still live together. If she wants a separation in 6 months, I will make us divorce. Then she can go do whatever the hell she wants to and I will have detached myself emotionally.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Chronotrigger said:


> I've made a decision.
> 
> My wife's primary reason for wanting the separation is that she's almost 50 and has never lived on her own. She wants to know she can do it. Problem with this reason is that she said she might move her adult son in with her during the separation, so to me that excuse doesn't hold water. I believe the real reason for the separation is me and my bad traits that I developed on the last couple of years. I had a really fat gut, went down to showering once a week, rarely brushed my teeth and started smoking cigars every day. The other stuff is bad enough but the cigar smoking was the worst because she lost her mom to lung cancer from a lifetime of cigarette smoking. She says the cigar smoke reminds her of what killed her mother. In retrospect, I became a fat, lazy, selfish asshole.
> 
> ...


Lots of information here to process.
I don’t even know what to say. You’ve withheld a lot of pertinent info. Until now.

it’s starting to make sense what has happened that would result in the circumstances seen regarding your wife’s behavior.

good luck.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

The underlying premise of this statement is that you have no say in the matter, which is completely untrue.

She is free to date and/or sleep with others, but not as your wife...assuming you are not okay with it.

That said, my bet is she was already sleeping with someone and all she did was attempt to legitimize it through 'separation'.



Chronotrigger said:


> Of course not! But on a separation I can't stop her. I told her if I ever asked if she had sex w another man to lie to me and say no, if she had. I don't want to know. She said ok. She knows it would be incredibly painful for me.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It would have been helpful if you had shared all that extra info in the beginning. It’s pertinent to the situation. 

Good luck going forward.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Chronotrigger said:


> I've made a decision.
> 
> My wife's primary reason for wanting the separation is that she's almost 50 and has never lived on her own. She wants to know she can do it. Problem with this reason is that she said she might move her adult son in with her during the separation, so to me that excuse doesn't hold water. I believe the real reason for the separation is me and my bad traits that I developed on the last couple of years. I had a really fat gut, went down to showering once a week, rarely brushed my teeth and started smoking cigars every day. The other stuff is bad enough but the cigar smoking was the worst because she lost her mom to lung cancer from a lifetime of cigarette smoking. She says the cigar smoke reminds her of what killed her mother. In retrospect, I became a fat, lazy, selfish asshole.
> 
> ...


Well hallelujah, It only took two threads and probably hundreds of posts, but I’m glad you got yourself to this point.

You are spot on about improving yourself as a man. You have a great opportunity in the next six months to do so, regardless of the outcome with your wife.
The next six months is about you. Create a plan on how you want to improve yourself as a man - physical, emotional, professional, relationships, etc (and I don’t mean with your wife). Start distancing yourself (at least emotionally) from her now, because you’re just as likely to need to divorce six months. Remember the next six months is about you, the stay plan is the same as the go plan.

Go work out on your own and lift heavy things.
1. Yoga doesn’t build muscles dude, at least not nearly as well.
2. Don’t tagalong with your wife to her work out, it’s kind of pathetic on multiple levels. You need to do your own thing and have your own ****ing gym.

Get all of your legal ducks in a row NOW. You need to do this ahead of time, so in six months you don’t have to scramble and think and second-guess yourself, you just pull the trigger and execute if need be.
I’d find the best divorce attorney you can afford and get the papers drawn up now and have them ready to go.

good luck


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