# Husbands affair.. why is he so hesitant to try again.



## 19anonnon (Aug 2, 2021)

Really really long story.

Husband has been having an affair just over two years now. Mainly emotional although there was a period of around 4/5 months where it was physical between Oct 2019 and jan 2020.

I found out last June 2020. He ended it and we started to move on.
She can back started texting him and seeing him at work emotional affair Oct 2020 until May 2021 when I found out again. Again he cut it off but after two weeks she begged him to make them work.
July 6th 2021 he made the decision to move out and see how he felt.
We have spent a lot of time together with kids and without kids since then. He has also text her and spoke with her.
I sent a message to her 10 days ago venting my frustration at her and how she is a home wrecker and telling her he’s been kissing me, holding my hand etc. She flipped and cut him off although they do still talk they work together and he apparently enjoys annoying her and winding her up about it.

he’s really annoyed I sent the message but us started to come around.
He has since told me he is reserved about coming home and can’t see himself coming home.
He said he doesn’t know why because he has everything here he could ever want.

how do I show him coming home is what’s best? How do I make him not be reserved about it.
He says I make him happy. We have a lovely house and four kids. Everything he ever had wanted so why the reservation?

Ive suggested therapy but he says no way is he talking to a stranger.
Any other suggestions please?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Your husband has been cheating, never stopped cheating as he told you, is still cheating, has moved out, doesn’t want to come back.................. you are hurt and weak and need to see a therapist about building your self esteem and self confidence (everyone’s gets destroyed by infidelity). And leave this sad excuse for a husband. You are looking for advice on how to make a man love you. Love potion #9 is a myth. 

If you are stupid enough to want to get the man back, here’s the only chance:
File for divorce and show him some consequences. Only file if you’re serious, and you should be. File because your marriage is unacceptable, which it is. File because you genuinely want to move on, which is only logical.
It’s possible he may be forced to freak out at his financial situation and you no longer being his security sex, and that you aren’t begging and pleading anymore which pushes everyone away, and he may change jobs and come back.
As long as the affair partner is still a available and in his life, there’s zero chance if a real reconciliation.

my advice is to boot the loser.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

19anonnon said:


> how do I show him coming home is what’s best?


Doesn't sound like that's best for you.

Why do you want to be with a guy who wants to be with another woman and gets annoyed when you try to interfere?


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

19anonnon said:


> Really really long story.
> 
> Husband has been having an affair just over two years now. Mainly emotional although there was a period of around 4/5 months where it was physical between Oct 2019 and jan 2020.
> 
> ...


In all honesty, I don't think he's quite "done" with her, yet. 

He moved out a little more than a month ago. He still works with her. Even though he _says_ that he apparently "enjoys annoying her and winding her up", he's a cheater and cheaters _*lie*_. 

Frankly, I'd be telling him to _*stay away*_ until he permanently ends their relationship (even changing jobs) and arranges for counseling.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Wondering why you are staying around? Do you think he is coming back to you? Why would you want him? Until he is ready to tell her good by you are where you are. Couples counseling is worthless unless both parties want to save the marriage...and he doesnt. What might be a good thing is for you to seek out some individual counseling and see why you put up with this crap.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

19anonnon said:


> Really really long story.
> 
> Husband has been having an affair just over two years now. Mainly emotional although there was a period of around 4/5 months where it was physical between Oct 2019 and jan 2020.
> 
> ...


You're doing the "pick me!!" dance and that rarely (if ever) works. Why would he come home to you and be faithful to you, when he can have his cake and eat it too? 

He knows that whatever he does, you will accept it and be waiting at home with open arms. Until you show him differently, nothing will change. 

But the question is... WHY do you want to take him back? I'm married to someone who cheated so it's not like I'm totally opposed. But he was caught cheating, then went back and did it again! He refuses marriage therapy, and I'm sorry but you cannot heal without it. It just won't work. He's refusing to come home... 

What is there to save here?


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

My guess would be that he doesn't want to commit to either of you. You are the safe option and she used to be the exciting option. Now that he's out of the house he is starting to realize that she only appeared appealing because of lack of competition.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

your husband wants jam and salt on the same bread , he wants two women and two women want one man , sorry I can't tell you what I WANT TO TELL YOU 
you did what any woman would do in sending that letter it was a last ditch move to fight for your man ,


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

You are plan B and doing the pick me dance. That never works.

Tell him its over. If you really want him back, not sure why you would, this is what would bring him back.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Consult a couple of lawyers to find out where you stand financially and how a divorce works in your state. Nothing like cold, hard facts to make a cheater take a serious look at their situation. Personally, I would just have him served. If you still want to reconcile, make him earn his way back.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

As others have said, why would you want him back?

Saying because "you love him" sounds great, but based upon his actions he does NOT love you. I'm sorry Saying this but unfortunately it's the truth. 

Why does he get to choose?
Things are so great at home and yet he BLEW his family up and for what? Another woman?

Your husband is a selfish loser.

Stand up for yourself and file for divorce.

Don't put your validation in his hands.

Is this really how you want to live your life on a daily basis? Waiting for him to decide? 

Again I know this SUCKS and my heart goes out to you and your family.

How old are your kids?
Do they know what's going on?
If so how are they doing with all of this?

Does your family know?
His family?
Friends?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@19anonnon Tell him he either speaks to a therapist or your divorce solicitor.

Also, a lie detector test might be a good idea to consider.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

I don't know how old you are, but something to think about if you take him back then end up back in this same place 5 or 10 years down the road. The dating market isn't as kind to older women as it is to men. Time is the one resource you can't get back. You deserve better.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

You can examine the why and whereabouts til you are blue in the face...At the end of the day,IMO, it all boils down to this....

People seek or entertain another because they _no longer value what they already have_..It's really not that much more complicated than that....Apparently he doesn't value you enough to fear losing you...Are you good with that type of arrangement or feeling??

There have been documented "serial cheaters" that once they found the person they valued enough not to lose, became wholly and dedicated monogamists....

He doesn't value you enough....sorry to say...


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If you chase they just move farther away. Hard 180 no contact is your best path.
If he came back what would yo be getting? Probably more of the same.

You can only be a chump if you allow it. Let him go.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Until you learn to love yourself, you'll never find your way out of this mess. He is at fault for cheating, but at this point, you'd be at fault for enabling it. I hope you choose you! As others have said, seek legal advice at least, but I think you need to let him go, and perhaps seek some counseling for your codependency.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Your husband sees himself as a great prize and unfortunately you appear to agree with him. 
He has two women fighting for his affections and that’s a huge ego boost.
Until you see him for what he really is, a weak, cheating ,immature asshole then you’ll never be able to move on from him and believe me you need to move on.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Your not going to get what you need here. I would suggest counseling for the two of you if you want to save the marriage.

I suggest divorce and full custody of the kids. 

Has he been paying the bills still?

If not file for abandonment as well.


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## 19anonnon (Aug 2, 2021)

Says he can’t come home yet because he doesn’t want to keep hurting me. Says he left for a reason.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

19anonnon said:


> Says he can’t come home yet because he doesn’t want to keep hurting me. Says he left for a reason.


To me that means he is saying he can't stop cheating, he is in love with someone else.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

19anonnon said:


> Says he can’t come home yet because he doesn’t want to keep hurting me. Says he left for a reason.


If that were true, he'd be working on his issues (therapy) not just leaving and enjoying tormenting the OW.

Actions speak louder than words... What is he _doing_ to prove that he doesn't want to hurt you anymore? That he still loves you? That he's a good choice for a husband?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

19anonnon said:


> _*Says he can’t come home yet because he doesn’t want to keep hurting me. Says he left for a reason.*_



So it's very clear you're only looking for people who will help you continue to DELUDE yourself because you're not even bothering to acknowlege or answer any of the replies people were kind enough to write to you.

Good luck continuing to fool yourself that having swallowed all your pride, your self-respect and your dignity is WELL worth holding onto this POS. I'm sure you'll find a way to continue desperately clinging to someone who has **** all over you for a few years now, and has no immediate plans for the ****-show to stop.

See a professional, OP. No one in their* right mind* would think staying with such a lowlife POS is a positive thing to do.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

19anonnon said:


> Says he can’t come home yet because he doesn’t want to keep hurting me. Says he left for a reason.


You need to come to the realization that this is best case scenario.... if he came home, you'd need to kick him to the curb yourself... he's done that to himself for you.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

19anonnon said:


> Really really long story.
> 
> Husband has been having an affair just over two years now. Mainly emotional although there was a period of around 4/5 months where it was physical between Oct 2019 and jan 2020.
> 
> ...



My question is why you are so anxious to tie you life to an ineffectual cheater?

For you kids sake go get help.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

youre hurting right now. Blinded by pain.
One day you’ll see it as a blessing to be rid of this guy.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

19anonnon said:


> how do I show him coming home is what’s best? How do I make him not be reserved about it.
> He says I make him happy. We have a lovely house and four kids. Everything he ever had wanted so why the reservation?


You don't. You shouldn't have to convince someone to be with you. This back and forth is also very hard on the kids.

Your husband is a scumbag cheater, who is still having a long term affair. He's not going to stop. You can't trust him, you've never been able to trust him, you never will be able to trust him.

You need to show him there's consequences for his actions - he's broken the marital contract, he's broken the family. He needs to pay for that. Big time.

You file for divorce and take him to the cleaners. That's what you do.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I don’t believe him or his excuse.

If he didn‘t want to hurt you, he would have never cheated.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Please don’t do the pick-me dance. It will drive you crazy and erode your self-esteem, all for the chance to convince a guy who’s probably checked out already to come back. You’ve been put on the back burner in case his new lurve doesn’t pan out.



> _*Says he left for a reason.*_


Yeah, and that reason is because he doesn't want to let go of her. And would like to carry on the relationship without your direct interference.

Good luck, OP.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

19anonnon said:


> Really really long story.
> 
> Husband has been having an affair just over two years now. Mainly emotional although there was a period of around 4/5 months where it was physical between Oct 2019 and jan 2020.
> 
> ...


That’s not a very long story actually.

I’m just confused about why you want a man who doesn’t want you... He sure seems to be enjoying all this attention though.


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