# How do you rebuild trust after sexual betrayal?



## jtgoshaff (4 mo ago)

How do you rebuild trust after lying about pornography? Now here is the backstory. We have been married for 9 years and together for 13. We have 2 children together also. We have had sexual issues with frequency in the past. This is tough to type out and there is so much more to it but I will try to summarize. My wife and I had a sexcapade at the start of the pandemic that involved her talking to other girls and me trying to push her to swing even though she was uncomfortable with sharing me. We watched porn, sexted and she was allowed to sext, date, talk, sleep with women. We agreed I wouldn't be involved and I was onboard but shortly after changed my mind as circumstances were not as I expected them to be. I tried to get more involved but complained about other issues going on and there were a few times where I acted unloving and she couldn't trust me. This led her to wanting to stop everything completely that we were doing. I told her ok but really wanted to continue with some of it. We made promises to each other to stop watching porn, talking to others, etc. I enjoyed a lot of what we did but didn't like not being involved more. I started watching porn to cope and also asked my wife for more and more sex. She would cater to my needs and I continued to watch porn behind her back until she found out. I started therapy in between this for porn/sex addiction because I felt it did have a hold on me but was also frustrated with how things went. I continued to lie while I watched off and on quitting for times and then starting back. I quit for a month but started back watching just before we got intimate again and right after that she found out. I had talked to several other married men who all told me that they also watch porn and didn't think it was an issue so I convinced myself it was ok after a month with no sex. 
Since then I started a program where I would not masturbate, watch porn or orgasm unless it was with her. I went a little over a month before we had sex again and by a week later I was practically going crazy with desire to have sex again and said some rude things after being turned away. I am trying to rebuild trust and fight desire and feel like I don't know what to do anymore. I need help. I am trying to find a counselor that can help us, books I can read to help me rebuild trust and repair our broken relationship or anything that will help before it is too late.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Counseling and therapy together is probably the way to go.

You damaged your relationship by involving others and subsequent nonsense.

You two are both at fault here even if you feel she has been more transparent than you.

I would advise you both to work with each other while excluding everyone else except a counselor and/or therapist.

She needs to be able to have honest conversations with you about both of your weaknesses.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I’m not into open relationships and have no desire for that but if I did and were I definitely wouldn’t be involved in a one sided open relationship. Your wife was the only one with any freedom so no wonder you are going nuts. In the end you are the one that pushed for this and like many cases it turned out not like you/they thought. Go look in the mirror for someone to be angry with. A wife isn’t going to really respect or be hot for someone that wants to zlut her out to other people. The damage is done and you likely need professional help to put it back together. The issue there is that many “professionals” are just quacks at best when it comes to these things.

Good Luck …. You are definitely going to need it


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

I will never understand the open marriage/ wife sharing dynamic . You said sexcapades , did your wife hook up with others ? Did you ? 
It seems to me the damage is done , I'm not sure how you walk this back now . Especially after the fact...You definitely need professional help to overcome your porn addiction . 
Good luck


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

“I tried to get more involved but complained about other issues going on and there were a few times where *I acted unloving* and she couldn't trust me.”
Pretty vague on an important detail. Just asking…… what does acted unloving really mean?

if you had sex with other women and continued to be untrustworthy about the porn thing…..
Exactly what have you left your wife to work with?

this whole deal is a major cluster f.

going to be hard to put Humpty Dumpty back together again.

therapy for the both of you seems needed


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

you both agreed to jump into a very bad planed out open relationship at a time that we found our self in lockdown , 
Then you changed what was agreed , so what I am asking is why did not feel the need to PUSH your wife into swinging , 
you admit to pushing her in , but she jumped in as well going from nothing to sext, date, talk, sleep with women in a short time , how does this happen , was it agreed that she would only do some things or did you agree with her sleeping with both men or only women , did you feel felt out, 

most people that swing do it for to give more pleasure to their partner , 
you seemed to push her into it to get more sex on your side , 
as far as I understand your wife started sleeping with women and you agreed to not swing then you changed your mind without her agreement and wanted to get involved with the women your wife started to play with , (SHE WOULD THEN THINK oh her is just using me to get a free ticket into banging other women , so he just wants to get to cheat by agreement or on the sly , )

I think you damaged your wife's trust and the porn on the side is a small part of what is wrong and why she is not trusting you now , 

if you think you are up to MC willing to SPEND THE TIME and the money , and willing to be honest in mc you need to get yourself into Counseling and therapy together and single , you need to be honest to each other and to the people helping , you will only get out of it what you put in ,


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## jtgoshaff (4 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> “I tried to get more involved but complained about other issues going on and there were a few times where *I acted unloving* and she couldn't trust me.”
> Pretty vague on an important detail. Just asking…… what does acted unloving really mean?
> 
> if you had sex with other women and continued to be untrustworthy about the porn thing…..
> ...


The unloving things I did were Once while we were camming with a girl, I went on after the wife left the room for an issue during sex. Another time I got drunk at a swingers club when I should of stayed sober. I agree cluster f. Not sure what I was thinking in the beginning. Somehow I thought it would improve our sex life and for a short period it did.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Actually you thought it would improve YOUR sex life and that's all that mattered to you so own that. 

Moving forward will not only require counseling but honesty. Sex addiction is a ******** excuse....you wanted to find a way yo have other women in your life without cheating behind your wife’s back so you could deny actually cheating.

It's going to he tough to overcome.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

To me this all sounds like a you problem. Your wife really didn't want others in your sex life, but you badgered her into it. You even sent her out to do it by herself. You are a stupid, stupid man. This was all about your enjoyment at the expense of your wife. You are going to need professional help to fix this. Your decision making ability is obviously poor and you won't fix this with a book or a forum. 


BTW, you can masturbate without porn.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I think you need counseling as well, serious one on one therapy, because you sound like you need sex like a cocaine addict needs their fix. That's an unhealthy way to view sex, in my opinion. It sounds like it's all mechanics to you...leading to you getting off at anyone's expense. In this case, your wife's expense, because she didn't seem into it.

If you don't want to be married anymore, and want to sleep around, then you should just be honest with your wife, divorce and do that. Pretending like this was something to enhance your marriage and sex life with your wife, isn't going to help you. I think you need to decide if you honestly want to be monogamous, because it sounds like you don't.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

jtgoshaff said:


> The unloving things I did were Once while we were camming with a girl, I went on after the wife left the room for an issue during sex. Another time I got drunk at a swingers club when I should of stayed sober. I agree cluster f. Not sure what I was thinking in the beginning. Somehow I thought it would improve our sex life and for a short period it did.


This marriage is obviously in crisis. The title about rebuilding trust after Sexual Betrayal, really doesn't cover it.

Marriage should be about commitment to each other and the institution of marriage. Marriage is difficult and involves compromise and negotiations to find things both enjoy and want.

While the focus of the story is on one person pushing their partner into sexual things that the partner really didn't initially want and then not being trustworthy. I sense that there may also be some "power exchange" dynamics going on combined with an immaturity on the part of the poster. I really think that the two of you should seek professional help, if you are both still interested and committed to rebuilding the marriage.

If you are both committed to making the marriage work, I think you should first explore what went wrong and what needs to change. Then focus on what you want your marriage to look like in 5 years, 10 years, 15 years. 

Good luck.


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