# what do I do?



## idealist? (Aug 21, 2016)

I need to begin with who I am as a person. So on the exterior I appear to be as Alpha Male as one can be. I have spent my whole life in love with the gym and how amazing a healthy lifestyle makes you feel. For me its almost spiritual and I dont feel like walking around like a ****y A-hole, I just like feeling like a man that can take on the world. Be it in sales or my relationship or my bedroom, I feel in control and dominant and superior and AMAZING. Now before you think of the meaning most think of when they hear each of those words, open your mind and hear me. Dominant in my relationship can mean my girl had a really ****ty past. I have a ton of turbulance to deal with and I use my dominance to try and remain calm. I use it to hear her and let her scream sometimes and turn simple conversations into arguments and stay in control of my weaknesses. I do that in my job and my life and my gym as well. I like to be the guy that when complete chaos in a situation I look around in compkete control and analyze whats around me. I dont mean hulk higan running through a crowd mowing people down. True strength is the ability to find calm when no one else could in your identical situation. Not to be confused I party on occassion with my SO and love cheating on good eating sometimes so Im not that guy who has to be perfect or who is OCD strict, I can have and create fun outside of that environment. .
which brings me to my problem now that you know a bit about me, a place where my control of self breaks down sometimes . My SO and I are very alike and she is ripped up and super fit etc. Problem is I know she is very much in love with me but just stopped all flirting with me about a year ago. It drives me crazy! I am EXTREMELY passionate and VERY sexual and I love the business of love. I am romantic and very much in touch with ny femenine side which she always loved. Id rather go shop with her or cook and prepare our meals together or anything over hang with the guys. I am very attentive to her needs in every way and go out of my way to make her feel great about herself.
I am not at all superficial and if this woman gained 50 lbs over the next year Id 
love her and never question it. I am not demanding at all in those ways. I love our gym time but if she decided today she didnt want to go and traded in her chicken and salads for foods that made her fat thats fine. In fact I would enjoy it!
So sexually, we are active and while she never flirts or sends naughty vids anymore she does enjoy sex. I probably should say she always seems far less 
Than enthused about it which is part of the "not flirting" thing. However, once we begin she quickly gets into it and never gets less than 5 before I get 1 then usually she has me help her with 1 more after I get mine. I only share that so that one can see she is not A-sexual...JUST NEVER FlIRTS OR INITIATES.
she knows its super important to me and as much as I make sure she is taken care
of isnt it just selfish of her to not even try? Am I asking too much or being selfish myself? 



Ok so thats not fair I guess, I did see her laptop open once and she had been reading on this topic. Searching things and looking for answers as to why she never felt the need to flirt. All of the days history indicated she wants to desire flitation but just doest feel the need. 
I may send something during the day from work saying how I cant wait to get her around me tonight and might be so lucky as to get a smilie. I really do take this all to heart I need that from my girl what can I say or do without hurting her or making her feel inadequite?
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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

Maybe she has responsive desire. Look it up.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

When you ask her why, what is her explanation?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Maybe that is not who she is?
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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Maybe she is cheating. 

And i don't believe for a second you would feel the same about her if she gained 50 lbs.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

blueinbr said:


> Maybe she is cheating.
> 
> And i don't believe for a second you would feel the same about her if she gained 50 lbs.


For nearly a decade I was 45 lbs. heavier than when Dug first met me. Did not affect his desire in the least. Not every man's attraction is influenced by his wife's weight.

OP, have you tried tapping into her fantasies? Do you know what her fantasies are?
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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

What is up with the male preoccupation of a female initiating sex? :wink2:

I am reading from your (op) post that you have a heavy need for affirmation. This can be a heavy burden on others.

What can you do?

-stop looking at her internet history

-initiate intimacy

-if she helps escalate it, go on to sex. The key word there was "helps."

Women arouse differently than men, especially after the infatuation hormones wear off. It isn't a bad thing. It is life. Be alpha and take the first step.


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## idealist? (Aug 21, 2016)

Blueinbr...Hi and thanks for your post. So, yes I have considered the cheating aspect and I guess if I ask for help I have to be honest so here it is. Some time back this actually all caused a larger problem, my fault I guess in hindsite. At that time I asked her if she wanted me to move out. As tears built into her eyes she said "are yiu serious? I woukd never want anyone in this earth again we are soulmates and I cant even imagine us apart."
So maybe in that time I stopped any thoughts of her cheating. Thats just not something I really consider now. The thing is I know everyone she works with and we do hang with them all so I woukdnt exoect there. Outside of that we spend our time together. **** tonight after work soent the whole night at the gym training and coaching a couple others we are show prepping. Came home and ate then to bed where we are now. Weekends between gym and fun etc we are always together so not really sure hiw she could outside of online. Even there, she leaves phones and work laptops etc wide open. I was only once low enough to peak and still feel kinda ****ty about it you know? I have an open mind and dont walk around eyes wide shut but I guess anything is possible. Ive even wondered if someone else is simply on her mind but she is so sweet and attentive honestly i feel a bit guilty about asking for this. Its important to me though and I think healthy relationships have it...or am i too idealistic?
Ok now i will take issue with the 50 pounds. Lol....I mean that and actually following her last show she was up about 30 lbs from where she is now and never looked better to me. Another 20 woukd not have bothered me in the least. I am one of those few people maybe who finds all different shapes attractive and the super model thing just never worked on me. I jist want to feed those poor lil things! So for now, thank you again for the response, I appreciate thoughts outside of my own 
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## idealist? (Aug 21, 2016)

Relationship teacher...hi and thank you for response. So my thought was "hmmm, I guess I do have a need for affirmation." Maybe i had never actually realized it but then being very anaytical (unfortunately) I wondered, arent most of us to varying degrees? So i thought...what if I stopped telling her thjngs daily such as "that shirt really brings out your eyes sweetie" or "thank you for making my breakfast it was delicious and very sweet of you". Would all of those things I do to let her know pretty things a woman loves to know bother her if gone? Would it be of concern if I didnt express my desires to her and my appreciation for her each day? My answer was yes, it would worry her and make her think I may not love her as much as she loves me. She might wondered who I am thinkibg of etc. Maybe to her the very worst would be she would wonder why she is not important enough to me for me to voice some things she needs. 
So am I no different? (True question btw not rhetorical I have good insites and respect your wisdom and psychiatric type analytical thinking. Yes I guess I do need just that, affirmation. Truth is I am human and want to have an outloud oral understanding she still an lust for me as she verbally did before. Your thoughts make me think though and the one that may have helped me most as of now is the one concerning "infatuation hornone". Now I dont know if thats an actual hormone or you are speaking in general of our hornones with someone new  but either way that makes a lot of sense to me. If she were all of a sudden not enjoying sex I would be mkre concerned but that phrase along with the fact that i may need more affirmation than normal might be a good couple places for me to focus.
as to "stop reading her internet" , thats a good idea. Actually I still feel bad about doing so and have stayed away from the desire to do so since but you are quite right!
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## idealist? (Aug 21, 2016)

Spicy...well her response is "I'm just not that way". Hopefully my openess wont offend anyone but Im a communicator. In fact she is not and that may be part of the issue but to your question....so saturday night we do gym then out fkr our favorite...sushi. we both dress for success as the saying goes and look hot! Lol...well she looked hot at least. So nice evening hokding hands , touching etc. From there off to another place for desserts and drinks. I flirted such as whispers " you look amazing doll". Nothing really heavy...yet.
from there out to a club. Hanging out and conversation with others, both of us know no strangers. Few drinks thsn headed to a corner and played some old school games (donkey kong) . Two players and during hers i began to be more flirtatious. Back to the bar and began rubbing her between the inner legs out of view. Yes..she was fine with it and always is. She even leans in and enjoys it as it seems.
so we head home and as we do i ask if everything is ok? She says yes why? " well , I have noticed I am the only one pursuing and you seem unresponsive to some degree."
Her response " Im having fun and looking forward to being home together."
Ok so nothing wrong with that unless I am feeling like Im the only one pursuing it all.
so imagine i say to her " I cant wait to get you home and tear your clothes off and ravish you!" ...and the response is a smile and a hand rub". 
I wanted to hear something like " Im going to bury my nails in you and wreck you until you beg me to stop!"
Can I not want or even need that sometimes as to the verbal response? Keep in mind she did just that for our first year before it disappeared. Im a guy who can rise to the occassion of soft and sensual and ling sessions of foreplay but once in a while I need to hear your words. Ok so if you havent figured out by now, Im more like the woman and she like the 
man. I dont say that with anger she and i both laugh about it but like the tyoical woman whoasks for certain little things i need a few things. Its very important to me so why cant i ask for it without people thinking Im needy or need afformation and why the double standard? She needs things that may not be easy for me or even desired by me but i do them. I do so because they are important to her and if they are then they are imlortant to me. It makes me feel good to see her get things she needs and see her pretty responses. That being the payoff is all I need for those things to make me happy too.
so she knows this means a lot to me should I be concerned that alone is not enough to make her give them?
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## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

Number one I'm going to assume that your wife is a responsive lover which means in a nutshell that she meets you wherever you lead. She likes you to lead and she responds to your initiation and direction really well.
And you are leading well. You are a good communicator, intuitive and even predict her needs before she feels them!
So at this point she is getting everything she wants: verbal affirmation, love, affection, good sex, and all of this in an attractive, fit, healthy package! Bravo to you! She has it all! 

But YOU have a need that she isn't meeting for you:
Verbal affirmation, flirtation and sexual initiation.
These are valid desires and there is nothing wrong with wanting those things! 

The only thing wrong would be to assume that she doesn't do what you are desiring for negative reasons.
If she is completely happy, satisfied and content then it's not negative. It's satisfaction. Remember she is content getting everything that she needs.

A responsive lover will initiate at the beginning of a relationship because she is bold when there a clear goal of something to gained. She knew she liked you and was securing the bond with you. 
It's not a trick though, it's just in the responsive lovers mind the mission was accomplished and now she settles into the calm of a bonded relationship.
Initiation for a responsive lover isn't their natural language.

So here's what my suggestion is. Plan ahead together for her to lead sometimes. 

She obviously already knows you desire this. She cares about you and wants to give you what you want. (Otherwise she wouldn't be searching on the Internet for answers) So clearly she just isn't sure how to do it! (Otherwise she would already)
She has two hurdles (at least) to get over in order to be successful: 1. she isn't naturally comfortable with flirting/initiating, AND 2.you already lead so well it probably feels awkward to just puppet back similar remarks when you're already starting the flirtation and touching. (She probably doesn't know yet that you would eat it up anyway and love it, she may just feel that now it's already too late to start flirting because she would still be 'responding'. )

Setting that aside, because it would be a HUGE mistake to just stop initiating/flirting...why? Because if she is a responsive lover, she will accommodate you by giving you space. Do not do this! It will hurt you both and only serve to confuse you more!

So this is where the planning ahead together for her to lead comes in. She gets a day where she plans the evening, she plans the order of things, and she is the leader. You are just her willing puppy. You promise not to judge or critique, you will just do whatever she wants. (Within whatever parameters you two have pre-established)
And you agree together that you will have sex at the end but its up to her to let you know how she wants it and to be in control. 
You will respond to her. 
Honestly, this can be really fun for a responsive lover because the fear of being: rejected, misunderstood, or her intentions not recognized, are all put on hold and she can just flow in an area that she hasn't explored much lately because in her mind there has been no need.

Just make sure that you are both on the same page and the expectations are low from you.
Make it a fun adventure for her (and for you) but DONT just withdraw and test her!!! Very important!!

Also don't expect that she will 'get the hang of it' and suddenly start always initiating. This night is that time for her to be safe to initiate and let you in on her quieter ways. Let it stay that way. Ask for it ahead of time so she has time to plan and fantasize about what SHE wants...and as you know, her doing things because SHE wants then will be everything that YOU want! She may not realize that. 

You never know! You might just be so happy with that once a week that you don't even mind or notice anymore that you initiate/flirt the rest of the time. Or she may enjoy it so much she does get more bold. Just remember that your not trying to change her. You're asking her to give you something that you need and desire. She will want to do it if she understands that you are not asking her to suddenly become more like you! But just giving her the space to explore what she is like, for you!

I give this advice as a responsive lover who has tried this with my hubby with good results.


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## emmasmith (Aug 11, 2016)

You should go for relationship therapy! Relationship therapy exercises provides opportunity for you to understand relationship differently. You can improve your loving engagement, nagging issues with your partner.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You two need a little time apart. You're on her like white on rice. She may need space to breathe and a little time to miss you. Can you take a long weekend away with the guys? How about a hobby that doesn't involve her?


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## idealist? (Aug 21, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> You two need a little time apart. You're on her like white on rice. She may need space to breathe and a little time to miss you. Can you take a long weekend away with the guys? How about a hobby that doesn't involve her?


Thanks! White on rice I'm that bad? Lol....ok so I am quite open minded. A big part of that is that I will constantly put myself in another persons shoes if something is bothering them. It helps me step out of my own thoughts and think of how I might feel in their mind. 
So in this case I wondered, am I on her that way? Hell maybe I am I have to consider that now! I'm joking, you bring up a point and its valid so let me ask you from another perspecrive. 
So she and I rarely do much at all apart. Now in my mind thats fine I'm happy spending time with her. Still , I am verrrry happy if she gets time elsewhere so she can unwind with the girlz etc. 
So...she often gets a lunch or whatever with her friends and actually told me I shoukd have a beer with friends or whatever. I think for her she felt bad that she does and I dont. So I did. I went out with a buddy for a few drinks and we went to a sports bar. Well I was gone about 3 hrs. Im not one thats glued to my phone so i didnt realize she had been texting asking where i was. So i see the texts as i leave the bar and call her. Now this was 2.5 hours from when i left home. By the tine i gkt home she was livid and asking things like "how many ****s had put their hands on me?" Lol....now before you jump to any conclusions about her, you have to know she was in a very bad marriage before us. She was being cheated on and emotionally abused. I think she developed some issues during that time and feels she may be treated that way again. Point being i dont really think she feels she has too much of me. When we finally do get the weekend she does seem happy its just no flirting. She just leaves that all to me and Im not one to ask for much. Is it too much to ask for it ?
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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

No, it isn't too much to ask for. You stated all her flirting stopped a year ago. How long have you been together? How long have you been living together?

Note that she didn't mind you being out with the guys - it was her insecurity over boundaries. Did something happen a year ago?


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## idealist? (Aug 21, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> No, it isn't too much to ask for. You stated all her flirting stopped a year ago. How long have you been together? How long have you been living together?
> 
> Note that she didn't mind you being out with the guys - it was her insecurity over boundaries. Did something happen a year ago?


We have been together a few years. Honestly, I often wonder if this one issue, as small as it may seem to someone on the outside looking in, may be a deal breaker.
that is an unbearble thought but it would not occur the way you might first think. It may be because my need of it is a very big deal to me and I think it could drive her away from me. I guess people in general want more than affirmation or recognition. At least speaking for myself it has to do with deep passionate meaningful love. I am my own person so I cant speak for everyone but dont you think everyone wants this? 
Think of every love story or fairytale where they live happily ever after. This may be where my screen name followed by a question mark reveals itself. Am I an idealist? If so is that wrong in this case? Its a real question Im very open minded. I know life is not a fairytale but let me ask you to think about this. Let me ask you to leave sex out if the equation as i explain my need for flirtation. Its not that Im asking her to make me "horny". (Sorry, is what it is)....its that if she flirts i feel her being in love. I feel her need for me in her life. I feel her being thankful I appreciave all she is and does. I feel her recognition that we are meant to be and will never be abke to survive without the other.
I love when something like flirting leads to being in each others space and softly touching. Jist looking into each others eyes and falling in love all over again every day.
we once spent the day together and had an amazing time. We got home and ended up in bed. We just stared at each other and petted and brushed and literally did so for an hour before we even began making love. We made love for about an hour then for another 3 hours until around 5 AM softly kissed and in silence looked in each others eyes and fell in love to another level. Id say almost if not actually spiritual.
it is quite difficult to find that in this world we live in with sex being so prevalent and everyone obsessed with shallow thoughts. That night one of us said "I dont want to close my eyes". Within a few days we heard and adopted the Aerosnith song in its namesake and to this day when it comes on we gravitate to take each others hands and softly stroke each others hands or arms.
so yes, of course I know that sort of night cant happen every night. In fact, I know maybe "that night" can never happen again. But why not some variation kf it on occassion and why not the flirt to remind each other how deep we love each other. You might say at fjrst "wow what an inferiority complex!" ....but no, I reject that thought. Why am I inferior in any way jist because I have a big heart full of love for someone?
I dont know, maybe it is all too good to be true. I dont need constant attention or those sorts of things every single night. . I would love to have a fkrever spark that never dies. Sure we all have bad days but to never flirt and use the excuse "I'm just not that way", isnt it selfish if she knows how imoorfant she is to me. Am i the selfish one? 
Life is short so I work hard and play hard but I want to love hard and feel as though she cant wait to get home and in bed once in a while. Yes...Id like the outloud words and some flirtation tbat ""
dont sugar coat if you answer back, I dont lime BS I like real, no matter what that is.
btw....what happened a gear ago?....I have no idea but whatever it was has put great stress on us and Id love to turn it for the better and find our path. 
Thank you for the follow up it is appreciated and very nice of you
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## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

Is someone else flirting with you that has sparked your interest and now you are experiencing how much you enjoy that? And looking for a way to get your lady to up the ante so you won't be so distracted?


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## idealist? (Aug 21, 2016)

tigerlily99 said:


> Is someone else flirting with you that has sparked your interest and now you are experiencing how much you enjoy that? And looking for a way to get your lady to up the ante so you won't be so distracted?


First of all thank you very much for your precious post! It was very enlightening and quite sweet of you to share your own thoughts with you and your hubby. Given part of her issue is communication I assume you have similar things as to your communication and you shared and communicated them to a stranger in need...thank you

So you got me to thinking...a lot. I am a communicator, never have to wonder what is on my mind. She is not and you often have to wonder. So you got me to consider, flirting in many ways is communication and yes that is tough for her. 
If she is as you say you are maybe she likes that I take so many reigns and drive many things. She drives so many more things that are kess audible and is who she is. Dont misunderstand, I still think sometimes one has to step outside their comfort zone and do something giving that someone they love needs. She can do this because she did. Like you spoke of, she did so to make us happen so it is within her ability. I dont want to be a d*ck and honesty is all you will get from me so I have to say...i am sometimes. I believe i give enough of myself to deserve that but I also know she doesnt deserve me acting that way. When i do i feel horrible but i always think "if she coukd just give me a sliver of what i want none of this would happen.".....i know, thats just letting myself off the hook.

Ok so todays question you asked. Let me begin and say I am a humble guy though you dont know me well enough to know but let me say this anyway. I am confident, I dress very well in my days...."dress for success" . I have been in a gym my entire life and I am not fit I am the most fit guy in the room almost anywhere i am. Clean shaved at all times and people are attracted to my personality as I know no strangers will steike conversation any and everywhere i go.
i tell you that to understand what I am about to say...yes, I am flirted with many times a day everywhere i am and a lot at work. It happens even in front of her sometimes as she points out. 
Now hear me very well please...i NEVER flirt back. Reason one, I have no desire to my heart belongs to my woman. Reason two...i am numb or immune to it and polite but never respond back.
she knows this yet i think she is still insecure about it and i believe it has to do with her ex. He always had something on the side and she always felt like she was less than the love of his life. 
With me....just the opposite yet i feel as though i carry his burden he placed on her. Dont get me wrong, i made that choice and do so every day. I will do so and love her through it all. Would i love her to appreciate how true i am and how committed i am? Would i love her to know i am deeply in love and simply trying to make us the absolute best we can be? Of course with all I am. 
I want to be all we can be and with thks missing piece we cant. I am forever working to be better and appreciate what i have i just need this.
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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

You need to understand responsive desire, as another poster has already pointed out.

This is very common in women and doesn't mean there is anything wrong with her.

So long as she happily goes along with your initiations of sex, keep that up and stop worrying about her lack of initiation.

Otherwise you are likely to mess up your positive situation. Don't do that!


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