# Help, please, with difficult situation



## 1011000 (Apr 1, 2015)

Over 10 years my wife has gradually gone from being passionately in love with me to, now, saying that she never loved me. She says that she married me because she was afraid of me, though I don't believe I've ever done anything to cause her to fear me. She said that she thought that marrying me would 'fix' me, but when that didn't work that having kids would 'fix' me. We have two kids now and she threatens to take them from me.

I will grant that I am opinionated and will tell her if I don't like something, but when she's ever made it known that it means a lot to her, I always give in. Part of her claim is that I control her and manipulate her with my feelings. I thought that we were compromising, because I didn't really want to move next door to her parents, and I thought it was normal to be sad when your wife threatens to throw you out.

She is an only child who had cancer at a young age, she's always answered to her parents, we live next door, she works with her parents, we vacation with her parents, and I think that this plays a role. I'm afraid she doesn't have a lot of perspective and is allowing small things to be too important, but is being encouraged to cast me in a negative light by the negative attitude of her family. They are all three negative with and about each other, though they all team up on me. Her mother is a busy body and a gossip.

I've never had any intention do harm my wife in any of the ways she's claimed. My only joy in life is my family. How in the world do I fix this?


----------



## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

1011000 said:


> How in the world do I fix this?


You don't. You have a walk away wife. They RARELY come back. You need to read up on the 180. It is to fix YOU so you don't have to depend on someone for emotional support that is repulsed by you. Yes, I said "repulsed". 

Now the chorus of "SHE'S CHEATING!!", "SPY", "KEYLOGGERS" from the 20,000-post club is going to start. I REALLY hope you don't fall into that trap. Sure, she may be cheating. Anyone MAY be cheating. But even if she is, that's not your problem. 

Prepare yourself for the end. That's all I'm saying. I've been on these boards for a long time. 5+ years. I don't have 20,000 posts, but I have a walk-away wife and a LONG history reading other's experiences with them. 

Just prepare for the end.


----------



## Sandie (Mar 31, 2015)

You must start by not blaming her family for your problems!

There is ALWAYS a reason for marital problems other than outsiders you need to figure out where you messed up!

Maybe it's too late maybe not but if there's any hope stop blaming other people for YOUR problems!


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

I agree with Peacem that you seem to be describing a few of the warning signs for BPD (or perhaps NPD). It therefore may be worth your while to take a quick look at my list of red flags at _*18 BPD Warning Signs*_. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings any bells, I would be glad to join Peacem in discussing them with you. 

Importantly, I'm not suggesting your W has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she might exhibit some strong traits of it. I caution that BPD is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your W exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do. 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits them at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot know the answer to that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. If you decide that most red flags are present and strong, it would be prudent to seek a professional opinion, from a psychologist, on what it is you and the children are dealing with.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

1011000 said:


> Over 10 years my wife has gradually gone from being passionately in love with me to, now, saying that she never loved me. She says that she married me because she was afraid of me, though I don't believe I've ever done anything to cause her to fear me. She said that she thought that marrying me would 'fix' me, but when that didn't work that having kids would 'fix' me.


Well that’s a pretty odd thing for her to say. She was afraid of you so she married you so that she could fix you? :rofl:



1011000 said:


> We have two kids now and she threatens to take them from me.


She cannot take your children away from you. They are your children too and you have as much right to them as she does. Even more importantly, your children have a right to both of their parents.
What I suggest is that you go see a lawyer for a consultation on your rights in a custody settlement. Talk about 50/50 custody. Bottom line is that she too will lose the children about half the time. 


1011000 said:


> I will grant that I am opinionated and will tell her if I don't like something, but when she's ever made it known that it means a lot to her, I always give in. Part of her claim is that I control her and manipulate her with my feelings. I thought that we were compromising, because I didn't really want to move next door to her parents, and I thought it was normal to be sad when your wife threatens to throw you out.


This problem with this is that there are always 3 sides to every story. Your side, her side and the truth. People often see the exact same situation very differently. Marriage counseling might help to has this out. 
If she tries to tell you to leave, do not leave. She cannot throw you out of your home. It’s your legal residence as much as it is hers. If you leave, you could make your custody case much worse. So do not leave your home and your children.



1011000 said:


> She is an only child who had cancer at a young age, she's always answered to her parents, we live next door, she works with her parents, we vacation with her parents, and I think that this plays a role. I'm afraid she doesn't have a lot of perspective and is allowing small things to be too important, but is being encouraged to cast me in a negative light by the negative attitude of her family. They are all three negative with and about each other, though they all team up on me. Her mother is a busy body and a gossip.
> 
> I've never had any intention do harm my wife in any of the ways she's claimed. My only joy in life is my family. How in the world do I fix this?


If she is saying that you scare her and accusing you of doing things that you have not done, it’s another topic to discuss with an attorney. 

Does your wife work at a job? Or is she a SAHM?


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Some of you fine folks think that his wife is a little out of balance upstairs......I bet she is screwing around behind his back and if he did a little investigation I bet I'd be right.

I pray that I'm completely wrong and the efforts he take to "fix" his wife are worth the effort. Cuz if I am right he could be the best husband in the world but no way in hell can he compete with new love.

Brother you better find out who your fighting for before you start this long struggle to keep your family unit intact.

The enemy might not be in your wifes head the enemy could be much much lower.

It's worth a quick look at her cell phone when she ain't looking.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'll be hanging out in the "Coping With Infidelity" section if you need me.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I find it a little troubling that you've deemed her concerns "small things". Maybe they're not small things to her.

That's the mantra of many so called waw's.....she tried to tell him but he dismissed the things that bothered her as small and unimportant.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

1011000 said:


> O
> I will grant that I am opinionated and will tell her if I don't like something, but when she's ever made it known that it means a lot to her, I always give in. Part of her claim is that I control her and manipulate her with my feelings. I thought that we were compromising, because I didn't really want to move next door to her parents, and I thought it was normal to be sad when your wife threatens to throw you out.


What for you is being opinionated for her was being bullied into doing what you want. Unless she really cared about something she had to stand up to you, go through little war before you give in. Does that sound about right?

I'm telling you - this is exhausting way of life. Your marriage for her was a constant battle, where she was on the loosing side most of the time. This is not loving, peaceful relationship for her, where she can relax. 

YOU are the source of all the stress in her life. Her life will simply be easier without you around. That's all there is to it - you are stress factor, not love factor to her.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Maybe you are a big part of the problem; maybe you are not. Only one thing matters right now.

Prepare yourself--180, lawyer, and therapist. Maybe you do need to change--a therapist will help you figure out that part. In the meantime, talk to an attorney--kids need their dad on some term, no matter how big or small. 

If you have been bullying her, you will need to change--for yourself, not her (although it would be good of you to apologize). If she is truly mentally ill--hard to say, b/c you are definitely not an objective observer--there isn't much you can do except learn how to deal with her and teach your kids the same.

If she is a WAW, I agree that the chances of her coming back to you are slim. But doing these things to prepare yourself, no matter what, will make everything a bit easier to handle and will give you the satisfaction of doing things well under difficult circumstances.

Good luck.


----------



## 1011000 (Apr 1, 2015)

Thank you all for the insight.

I am 99% sure she isn't cheating. She's never been interested in sex, so I doubt she's seeking that from someone else.

I will grant that I am opinionated and will debate my position on matters like the children's discipline, but I ALWAYS ask her what she thinks and am willing to listen. Some of the issue may stem from missed opportunity to communicate here.

The reason I bring up her parents, who she works for, is that I have a concern that she takes these little marital disagreements to work with her and they get blown out of proportion.

I had a talk with her about some of the specific arguments she has. In every case there are some critical details about the scenes that she has ignored or not asked about.

I love my wife and would rather believe the best of her. She's had a harder recovery from the second child and has not had a lot of sleep for 7 months. I just don't know what to do next.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm opinionated like you and will also solicit other opinions. I think you have to understand that not everyone handles that well, so you need to find out how she feels about your communication style. Have you guys tried MC?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Depending on her personality, opinionated husband might feel like crashing her. If she is not confrontotional type she would back away and let you have your way, just to avoid conflict. And when you ask for her opinion it mightfeel like a chalenge, where she'd better have good reasoning prepare, because you will be shooting down her arguments one by one. 
I've on that side of equation.


----------



## 1011000 (Apr 1, 2015)

She doesn't want to do any couciling together. She wants to send me with a note (the envelope of which to be signed by the doctor and returned as proof of delivery) to be diagnosed as bi-polar, while she will go to therapy separately.

I've gotten her to expand on a few things. I've asked her to consider the possibility that many of her complaints could have been rooted in my perception that she withheld affection from me. I feel that would help her to try to be positive. I hope that if she can be more positive, she'll be more willing to interpret things less offensively.

I will try to be less intensive when I explain my position, but I'm afraid of leaving things unfinished when it comes to the children's discipline. If I end the discussion without a resolution, will that not further the negativity toward me?


----------



## marriedandlonely (Nov 7, 2011)

I think you need to talk to someone , may I suggest one of her friends and ask them to be perfectly frank & honest with you and ask them their honest opinion on you and your wife as a potential mate (tell them you are not making a pass at them) 
I find its hard to stand back and look at yourself and listen to yourself for that matter and sometimes a little critical or otherwise opinion from someone who knows you can be a help you to make an important decision all the best whichever way it goes


----------

