# question for BS'



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Ok so once your spouse has cheated and you are fighting like hell to get them back, then you do win them back : Do you after a while wonder why? Do you decide you don't care anymore? Let's say your wayward has totally done all they can and love you like crazy and totally regret it...Is it just too late? Have you lost your love for them? Is it possible, I mean really possible to make it? Or does the reconcilliation only last for so long?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

to elaborate..We went through the hysterical bonding, still having great sex, been in R for almost a year, been through MC this whole time but as time goes on my husband tells me he thinks he wants out. He goes through this about every other day but then promises he is ok and will never bring up divorce. Yet he still continues this pattern. There are phases right? Is this the last phase before he leaves me?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## life.is.pain (Aug 28, 2012)

I go thru the same as your husband. Some days i feel like i just want out of my marriage and then other days i want it to workout. I don't know maybe its just the emotions one goes thru.

I won't say i don't love my wife its just that i have built anger towards her and maybe thats why i feel like i do.


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Do you think your husband would ever cheat on you in the future?

Do you think there could have been a situation, prior to any of this happening, where your husband would have cheated on you?

Reverse your personal situation, say your husband had been in your position and you in his, do you think he would have cheated on you?

Who knows whether or not he would have? But the fact of the matter is that he wasn't in that situation and he didn't cheat. Even more to the point, he doesn't believe he ever would have cheated no matter what the situation. He thought you were like him. Now he knows you are not.

Prior to your cheating, there were a few things in life that your husband was certain of; two of those things he was absolutely CERTAIN of were: 1. That he would never cheat on you; and 2. That you would never cheat on him.

Part of the reason your husband loved you was your loyalty. That is gone. Looking back, from your husband's perspective, he feels it was never really there. That you never were loyal. That you weren't what he thought you were.

Now, every day, he has to wake up and look at your wedding pictures on your night stand or on your mantle or wherever you put them. There are a thousand little things every day that remind him. You yourself are a trigger.

He looks at you now and he sees someone who looks, sounds, acts just like the wife he fell in love with. He has to reconcile the you that he sees with the you that he saw during and after your affair. You were like this when you got married, then you changed into someone else, now you changed back. When will you change into someone else again? Which is the real you?

The initial joy of saving the marriage and getting back the wife he loved is over. The wife he loved is still there, but for how long? And is it really her? Was it really ever her? Was he in love with a woman who never really existed? Who never really was loyal. Who never really felt for him the way he felt for her?

I don't think he will ever feel the same about you again. It is like he has lost his innocence. He will always remember what you were capable of.

I DO think reconciliation is possible. It think it takes a very long time. I think he is going through a phase. I think you should keep up being supportive, let him know the real you is the loyal one, not the one who will bail when things get tough.


----------



## Onmyway (Apr 25, 2012)

I personally decided that I could never get over what my wife did. I fought for awhile for what I thought that I wanted, but I believe that was just because of the depression and lowered sense of self worth. But eventually I had to leave, because I just can't trust her with my feelings anymore. Just my point of view of course, but I agree with the above, I thought that she was perfect, I thought that she would always care about my feelings, that can never be regained again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

CantSitStill said:


> Ok so once your spouse has cheated and you are fighting like hell to get them back, then you do win them back : Do you after a while wonder why? Do you decide you don't care anymore? Let's say your wayward has totally done all they can and love you like crazy and totally regret it...Is it just too late? Have you lost your love for them? Is it possible, I mean really possible to make it? Or does the reconcilliation only last for so long?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Reconciliation is definitely a possibility. There seem to be some problems that occur a lot during a couple trying to reconcile. (Please keep in mind, I did not have to fight for my H, he had to fight to keep ME)

One of the hardest things to say as a BS, is what you want. Sometimes you don't truly know. What can sometimes pile on to this is the WS standing there and doing nothing, because they don't know what to do either.

I did not agree to even work on the marriage until a year had passed. This is something a lot of other BS's do in a much shorter time than I took, but I think sometimes that can be the wrong path. Everyone is so worried about getting through it and making a decision, they forget to stop and get their own "person" back. I had to get back to myself before I could think about getting back to him.

I think a lot of WS's think they have done all they can, without realizing they are not showing their BS anything that they truly need.

The BS usually will have to come to terms with loving you while still hating what you have done. It may seem easy, and a lot of people I have seen try to explain it away "everyone makes mistakes" etc, etc. The BS has to come to terms with it on their own timeline.

Rushing. Don't need to. Should not ask your BS to rush either. Things will come and they can be handled a they come, but trying to rush a BS only says that they are not worth the time it will take to heal, but your AP was worth all the time it took to destroy what once was....


----------



## Onmyway (Apr 25, 2012)

She was some pos's triumph, and his friends (I thought that they were mine too, I was wrong) laughed behind my back, one of them called me names, in front of POSOM and my stbxw, to the point that the POSOM actually defended me, but my wife didn't of course. I can't live with that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

He texted me a little bit ago saying "don't worry, I still haven't made up my mind yet"...I'm worried. I mean, that means he's considering leaving. He's getting all into the game and I usually do with him but I'm worried sick. Thank you all for giving me an idea of what's going through his head. It does help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

WillKane you explain it so well. Why do I believe him every time he promises not to bring up divorce again? His plan is to use his vacation money in January for the divorce if by then he still wants a divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

His plan is fluid- you can be sure of that. If he is like me at all, he changes his mind week to week. Sometimes the triggers are too much and I am sure I want out. 

TBH- It is my kids, not her that keep me here the most. If we had not had kids I would have left immediately. But almost everything makes me think about it.

Keep doing your part- it's all you can do. You can't change the way he thinks or undo what you did. Just do your part the best you can and hope for the best. Beyond that it is up to him and he has a right to leave with his head held high if he so chooses.


----------



## baopuity (Nov 12, 2012)

I don't know maybe its just the emotions one goes thru.


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Yes I know and understand it is his choice and his right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Yes. I think the back and forth is a common thing.Constant vacillation is an unfortunate result of the injury Calvin has sustained. I know this: On most days Im ok and sure of what I want but every once in a while, when maybe I have too many triggers in a close span of time or on the occasion that it feels as though my fWH doesnt 'get it' then those haunting feelings start to creep in. The feeling of wondering if you can or will be required to endure this for a lifetime. If there's an end to the pain. If youre strong enough and if you have the will to fight for someone who was so willing to cast you aside. 

so that s the long answer. The short answer to the following:

*Do you after a while wonder why? Do you decide you don't care anymore? Let's say your wayward has totally done all they can and love you like crazy and totally regret it...Is it just too late? Have you lost your love for them? Is it possible, I mean really possible to make it?*

Yes. To all of these questions. At one time or another the answer to these questions is "Yes". But ultimately, only Calvin can decide. You have to do everything possible to prove your remorse and to show yourself worthy of him. But in the end, you made your decision and Calvin will make his.


----------



## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

yes it changes from day to day.
some days, i am so in love and happy with my wife, it brings a tear to my eye.
other days, i sit and ask myself, "why am i living my life this way with this person that did this to me?...how will i EVER be normal again?...will i ever actually see her as my partner again, not just my wife?".
emotional roller coaster is an understatement.
the only thing i can add, is that my wife puts in A LOT of work. and i have more good days than bad. finally.
i can only hope that they become the norm.


----------



## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

I think Will and Dawn explains it very well. I would like to add, that another reason for calvin to bounce back could be that he is protecting himself from future pain.

Lets say he goes all-in on your marriage, and you fail again, he will face self blame and doubt his ability to make rational decissions. If on the other hand he only commits 80%, he can think to himself "I knew something was up, glad I didn't go all-in on this, I didn't loose everything including my sanity".

I think you can do nothing else but be there for him and constantly prove to him that you are worthy of his love and commitment.


----------



## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

So far the R has lasted 5 months. I am at a very angry place right now, but that does not mean I love him any less. But it was never about my love for him. I am hoping he can bare with me during this phase. As we know, all cheaters like to use the BS as an excuse.


----------



## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> The feeling of wondering if you can or will be required to endure this for a lifetime. If there's an end to the pain. If youre strong enough and if you have the will to fight for someone who was so willing to cast you aside.


:iagree:


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I can't really say that I feel that way. Like I want to throw in the towel. I feel angry, I feel triggered, I feel nervous and upset and scared, but underlying it all is a commitment that isn't really negotiable. I don't fight to make it work, I just assume it IS going to work, and I work on making our marriage the best it can be. Just like I should have been all along. I don't do that because he cheated, I do it because it's what people do who want to have a happy marriage.

Dealing with the aftermath of what he did is just one of the things we work on together now.

I cannot recall a single instance of telling him I wanted a divorce. Even when I threw him out, I didn't say it. I was sure thinking it, even planning on how to go about it, but I didn't throw it at him.


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

CantSitStill said:


> WillKane you explain it so well. Why do I believe him every time he promises not to bring up divorce again? His plan is to use his vacation money in January for the divorce if by then he still wants a divorce.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He wants you to feel some of his pain. He can't help himself. After he does this, he feels bad, he sees how much him saying this hurts you, he sees you're doing everything you reasonably can to make it up to him, he knows you can't change the past, and that really is the only thing that could make this go away - if you could change the past. So he feels bad and swears he'll never do it again. Then, the anger and hurt start to build within him again.

Later, after he says he no longer will threaten you with divorce for the umpteenth time, when he thinks about you cheating on him again for the umpteenth time, his anger boils over again for the umpteenth time and he can't help himself and he tells you again he is going to divorce you for the umpteenth time. He is trying to make you to feel some of his pain. Your best response to his divorce threats would be to say that you still love him and will never divorce him or cheat on him.

I'm no shrink, but I would call it his "inner child." He has to learn to keep these thoughts to himself or vent them to someone else, like a personal therapist or an invisible friend; these threats of divorce to you serve no constructive purpose except for him to vent; there is no need to tell you he is planning on divorcing you; in fact, it will work out better for him in the end (if he ever does go through with the divorce) if he keeps it to himself and ambushes you like you did him.

I think, in a way, it is a good sign that he is venting this toward you because, as I said before, it really would not serve him well to actually warn you of a divorce. But he has to realize that there is only so much the former cheating spouse can tolerate and, if he keeps it up, he will drive you to a point where you can no longer tolerate it. Everyone has their limits, even the aggrieving party. No matter how bad you cheated on him, eventually he has to call it even and move on.

Time is the greatest healer but, in the meantime, you both have to work on this, you and HIM.


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

So to everyone who has been to this thread. Did you get on medication for depression? If so does it help?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

No I didnt. Maybe Calvin needs to at this point if he goes back and forth daily... No shame in asking for some help. This sucks.


----------



## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

no medication for me.
besides early on some serious boozin'.
but im over that now.
thats just me, though. i have never been one to take medication of that kind. i can usually work it all out in my head, and with enough time to myself, or with my daughter, or my horses, or my dogs, or fishing, or working on my ranch etc etc bring it all together and not be depressed.
not to say that it doesnt depress me, but i have had plenty of struggles in my life and i guess i just have a pre-made script for dealing with them.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

CantSitStill said:


> So to everyone who has been to this thread. Did you get on medication for depression?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No.


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Can someone refresh my memory on how long it has been since Dday??


----------



## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

CantSitStill said:


> Ok so once your spouse has cheated and you are fighting like hell to get them back, then you do win them back : Do you after a while wonder why? Do you decide you don't care anymore? Let's say your wayward has totally done all they can and love you like crazy and totally regret it...Is it just too late? Have you lost your love for them? Is it possible, I mean really possible to make it? Or does the reconcilliation only last for so long?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There is a problem with the assumption in your question:

The ones that try to win their WS back are the ones that get dragged through the mud.

The ones that kick their WS to the curb are the ones that get the choice of taking the spouse back or not.


The rest of the question is up to the individual.


----------



## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

I didn't. I went into research and reading mode and also seeked individual counseling. I have got a good grip and understanding of myself now.


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

DawnD said:


> Can someone refresh my memory on how long it has been since Dday??


Yearish....


----------



## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

R is very hard, and yes even if the wayward is completely remorseful and helping the BS heal it may not be enough. 

I wouldn't say its all love per say, but being happy. BSs for the most part get to times where they are 'Ok' or 'good' but rarely happy, not truly anyways, even years out. They wake up and the affair is in their head, and they go to sleep with it as well. The few times they are happy, as soon as a through of the affair coms to mind they go back to neutral. 

It feels like a cloud floating over your head that just won't go away. Many BSs who R successfully, but still have that cloud think the only way to get rid of it is to D. 

All depends on the BS. Many BSs get rid of the cloud, others have to leave to get rid of it. 

Neither one is more 'right' than the other, both acceptable.


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Thank you all for your responses, it helps. We have been in R since Feb 1st. I made him an appt for the doc for antidepressants but he can't get in til Dec 6th. I went thru alot of scared emotions last nightand this morning and to think I put him thru those emotions for a couple of months OMG!!! How horrible! He used to puke his guts out at work. This is the time of year I was having my EA and it's been the hardest month of R we've ever had. I told him last n.ight if he wants to divorce then I understand and that he can have everything because I don't deserve anything and I don't deserve him. ugg Well we are better for today. I wanna make the holidays special, maybe do new things, create better memories.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

CantSitStill said:


> Thank you all for your responses, it helps. We have been in R since Feb 1st. I made him an appt for the doc for antidepressants but he can't get in til Dec 6th. I went thru alot of scared emotions last nightand this morning and to think I put him thru those emotions for a couple of months OMG!!! How horrible! He used to puke his guts out at work. This is the time of year I was having my EA and it's been the hardest month of R we've ever had. I told him last n.ight if he wants to divorce then I understand and that he can have everything because I don't deserve anything and I don't deserve him. ugg Well we are better for today. I wanna make the holidays special, maybe do new things, create better memories.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Triggers associated with events that happened during the affair are often very strong. Expect him to trigger on the anniversary of the time of the year-day-month that he knew something was going on with OM. The first time he found out for sure. The day you told him of your feelings for OM. The day you said the marriage is done. The day you told him you loved OM. The day you left.

All these things are seared into his memory and the anniversary could be very emotional and difficult for him.

Will he decide to leave? Probably not, if you continue to be there for him and show him that you are in love with him and only him. 

But if you show one little ounce of doubt that the R is not worth it - then all bets are off.


----------

