# Looking for advice/anyone else same situation?



## Alicia78

New here and looking for advice or to see if anyone else has been in the same situation. I do have close friends I talk to about this, but would like to hear from people who don’t have my interest at heart only. My situation in as small of a nutshell that I can get it. I met my husband after a relationship in which I had my heart broken. My answer to fix it and avoid heartache later was to just stick with someone who is a good guy even if you don’t feel romantic feelings.... and I did just that. I dated and married someone who I had not had those feelings for. I figured I could grow to love essentially. Unfortunately, throughout the marriage (going on 4 years), I discovered that he had an extreme temper. In addition, all of the things that made me who I am when I met him at the time have been criticized by him to the point where I no longer feel like myself. I am constantly irritated, drink more wine than I ever had in the past, and struggle with my decision. While the idea was to “grow” in love, it went the opposite direction. We do have an amazing 3 yr old and my intention is to certainly not hurt anyone, but I’m struggling with my decision I made and feel like I just have to deal with it and suffer through. Thanks for any advice/sharing of this type of experience.


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## Marduk

Wow. 

So you married someone as a rebound that you didn’t love, aren’t attracted to, and are incompatible with and you’re looking for advice?

You know that advice is going to be to rip the band aid off and divorce, right?


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## Tilted 1

You need to lay down boundaries, and stick to them. If he agrees or not, you settled and regardless coming out of a bad relationship, you cheated him, and you cheated your self finding excuses is inmature, either you love him enough to try or get out and quit asking yourself if you should stay or go. 

What a sham of a vow's you got more than he showed you and now isn't worthy of your time. So get a divorce and free him and free yourself. Why are you waiting to hope something will change your heart is already blocked shut. Now just do it on paper. Be fair to him we you divorce. He asked and you should have said no!


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## bobert

> I’m struggling with my decision I made and feel like I just have to deal with it and suffer through.


Regardless of any past choices, you do deserve to be happy. You do NOT have to "deal with it and suffer through".

Do you feel this way because of the child you have to together? Or is it because you feel guilty for marrying your husband?

A child is better off being from a broken home than living in one. Your son is watching you, and your husband, and learning from you. Whatever type of relationship you have, that will be normal to him. Do you have the type of relationship you hope for your son?

If it is because you feel guilty about marrying your husband. Yes, you made a mistake. We ALL do. They may be different mistakes, but we all make them. Do you think your husband would be better off with someone who does have feelings for him? Let's look at it this way... Would you rather waste a few years with a man who doesn't actually want you, or waste your whole life on a man who doesn't want you?

It's possible that you are feeling the way you are because you have been emotionally (and maybe physically, you didn't say) beaten down by him. You said he has an 'extreme temper', what does that look like to you?

Whether you stay together or not, this book comes recommended... 

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-...&sprefix=inside+the+mind+of+an,aps,177&sr=8-1


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## uhtred

I don't think how you got here matters. You are unhappy with your marriage. You could try counseling if he agrees, and you think that it might work but otherwise I think staying in an unhappy marriage is almost never a good idea for anyone involved. 

You say he has an "extreme temper". What does that mean. Easily angry? Shouts? Shouts abuse? Gets physically violent? If you are saying that you think he is dangerous, or he has hit /physically abused you or your child, that changes things and you need to find a safe way to get out immediately. 




Alicia78 said:


> New here and looking for advice or to see if anyone else has been in the same situation. I do have close friends I talk to about this, but would like to hear from people who don’t have my interest at heart only. My situation in as small of a nutshell that I can get it. I met my husband after a relationship in which I had my heart broken. My answer to fix it and avoid heartache later was to just stick with someone who is a good guy even if you don’t feel romantic feelings.... and I did just that. I dated and married someone who I had not had those feelings for. I figured I could grow to love essentially. Unfortunately, throughout the marriage (going on 4 years), I discovered that he had an extreme temper. In addition, all of the things that made me who I am when I met him at the time have been criticized by him to the point where I no longer feel like myself. I am constantly irritated, drink more wine than I ever had in the past, and struggle with my decision. While the idea was to “grow” in love, it went the opposite direction. We do have an amazing 3 yr old and my intention is to certainly not hurt anyone, but I’m struggling with my decision I made and feel like I just have to deal with it and suffer through. Thanks for any advice/sharing of this type of experience.


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## Alicia78

“You say he has an "extreme temper". What does that mean. Easily angry? Shouts? Shouts abuse? Gets physically violent? If you are saying that you think he is dangerous, or he has hit /physically abused you or your child, that changes things and you need to find a safe way to get out immediately”.

Thank you for your response. There has been no physical abuse, but his temper turns him into someone who responds with rage. It’s almost like dealing with, well, a toddlers mental capacity to handle stress. He responds to any stress that way and has yelled at me the same way. If the situation were physical, I would have absolutely no questions about staying. I suppose the emotional breakdown should be considered just has important as the physical. It’s never easy being in the situation. I’m sure if I were to read what I have posted prior to this craziness, I would call the person an idiot for settling in the first place.


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## sokillme

Alicia78 said:


> New here and looking for advice or to see if anyone else has been in the same situation. I do have close friends I talk to about this, but would like to hear from people who don’t have my interest at heart only. My situation in as small of a nutshell that I can get it. I met my husband after a relationship in which I had my heart broken. My answer to fix it and avoid heartache later was to just stick with someone who is a good guy even if you don’t feel romantic feelings.... and I did just that. I dated and married someone who I had not had those feelings for. I figured I could grow to love essentially. Unfortunately, throughout the marriage (going on 4 years), I discovered that he had an extreme temper. In addition, all of the things that made me who I am when I met him at the time have been criticized by him to the point where I no longer feel like myself. I am constantly irritated, drink more wine than I ever had in the past, and struggle with my decision. While the idea was to “grow” in love, it went the opposite direction. We do have an amazing 3 yr old and my intention is to certainly not hurt anyone, but I’m struggling with my decision I made and feel like I just have to deal with it and suffer through. Thanks for any advice/sharing of this type of experience.


Everyone deserves to be with someone who loves them. Sounds like you don't love your husband.


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## Alicia78

Marduk said:


> Wow.
> 
> So you married someone as a rebound that you didn’t love, aren’t attracted to, and are incompatible with and you’re looking for advice?
> 
> You know that advice is going to be to rip the band aid off and divorce, right?


Rebound yes, attracted to yes, but attraction only takes you so far. The different personality/compatibility issue was not “discovered” until after marriage, about a few months into it. I am fully responsible for doing something I shouldn’t have done in the first place and for a poor reason at that, but the temper and other issues came later.


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## Alicia78

Alicia78 said:


> “You say he has an "extreme temper". What does that mean. Easily angry? Shouts? Shouts abuse? Gets physically violent? If you are saying that you think he is dangerous, or he has hit /physically abused you or your child, that changes things and you need to find a safe way to get out immediately”.
> 
> Thank you for your response. There has been no physical abuse, but his temper turns him into someone who responds with rage. It’s almost like dealing with, well, a toddlers mental capacity to handle stress. He responds to any stress that way and has yelled at me the same way. If the situation were physical, I would have absolutely no questions about staying. I suppose the emotional breakdown should be considered just has important as the physical. It’s never easy being in the situation. I’m sure if I were to read what I have posted prior to this craziness, I would call the person an idiot for settling in the first place.


Apologies, I didn’t mention that yes, I feel incredibly guilty for the decision I made and now there is a child involved.


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## Prodigal

Alicia78 said:


> … all of the things that made me who I am when I met him at the time have been criticized by him to the point where I no longer feel like myself. I am constantly irritated, drink more wine than I ever had in the past, and struggle with my decision. While the idea was to “grow” in love, it went the opposite direction. We do have an amazing 3 yr old and my intention is to certainly not hurt anyone, but I’m struggling with my decision I made and feel like I just have to deal with it and suffer through.


You made a mistake marrying this man. You know it. Granted, making a marriage "mistake" is far more serious than forgetting someone's birthday, but this is destroying you. Once you start relying on booze or pills to calm yourself down from the emotional turmoil, it's time to pull the plug.

Marriage is serious business. But marriage, like life, is not something to suffer through. It is to be enjoyed; at least, to the best of our abilities. We all get challenges along the way. Some are not our fault, others are of our own making. That doesn't mean you should beat up on yourself. 

Like it or not, someone is going to get hurt. But I'll tell you what I've gleaned from life experience: People have crapped on me. I have crapped on people. All I can do, is own what is mine to own. 

I'd suggest you get into some serious IC. Take time to be alone with your child. Regain your footing in life. Yes, I have been in a similar situation. I had to walk away from a marriage that was destroying me. I also no longer liked myself. It's no way to live. Seriously.


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## SunCMars

Accept you made a mistake, which you have.

Tell him that you are no longer in love with him and that you want a divorce.

Expect fireworks and rage and bad mouthing.

This will only cement your difficult decision.

After he cools down, explain to him that he deserves a loving partner and so do you.

Be one of the 50% who divorce. 
It happens.


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## uhtred

I'm glad to hear that there is no danger / physical violence. That said, you are still unhappy and possibly he is as well. 

Do you think there is any chance counseling would help? If not, then divorce is probably the best option. I don't think "blame" matters in relationships - if they don't work, it really doesn't matter whose fault it is, both are better of when it ends. 



Alicia78 said:


> “You say he has an "extreme temper". What does that mean. Easily angry? Shouts? Shouts abuse? Gets physically violent? If you are saying that you think he is dangerous, or he has hit /physically abused you or your child, that changes things and you need to find a safe way to get out immediately”.
> 
> Thank you for your response. There has been no physical abuse, but his temper turns him into someone who responds with rage. It’s almost like dealing with, well, a toddlers mental capacity to handle stress. He responds to any stress that way and has yelled at me the same way. If the situation were physical, I would have absolutely no questions about staying. I suppose the emotional breakdown should be considered just has important as the physical. It’s never easy being in the situation. I’m sure if I were to read what I have posted prior to this craziness, I would call the person an idiot for settling in the first place.


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## Marduk

Alicia78 said:


> Apologies, I didn’t mention that yes, I feel incredibly guilty for the decision I made and now there is a child involved.


Guilt is useless unless it leads you to taking accountability.


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## MattMatt

Alicia78 said:


> New here and looking for advice or to see if anyone else has been in the same situation. I do have close friends I talk to about this, but would like to hear from people who don’t have my interest at heart only. My situation in as small of a nutshell that I can get it. I met my husband after a relationship in which I had my heart broken. My answer to fix it and avoid heartache later was to just stick with someone who is a good guy even if you don’t feel romantic feelings.... and I did just that. I dated and married someone who I had not had those feelings for. I figured I could grow to love essentially. Unfortunately, throughout the marriage (going on 4 years), I discovered that he had an extreme temper. In addition, all of the things that made me who I am when I met him at the time have been criticized by him to the point where I no longer feel like myself. I am constantly irritated, drink more wine than I ever had in the past, and struggle with my decision. While the idea was to “grow” in love, it went the opposite direction. We do have an amazing 3 yr old and my intention is to certainly not hurt anyone, but I’m struggling with my decision I made and feel like I just have to deal with it and suffer through. Thanks for any advice/sharing of this type of experience.


How much wine do you drink?

Does your drinking cause problems?

Counselling might help. But then, so would honesty, to be honest.


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## Yeswecan

Alicia78 said:


> “You say he has an "extreme temper". What does that mean. Easily angry? Shouts? Shouts abuse? Gets physically violent? If you are saying that you think he is dangerous, or he has hit /physically abused you or your child, that changes things and you need to find a safe way to get out immediately”.
> 
> Thank you for your response. There has been no physical abuse, but his temper turns him into someone who responds with rage. It’s almost like dealing with, well, a toddlers mental capacity to handle stress. He responds to any stress that way and has yelled at me the same way. If the situation were physical, I would have absolutely no questions about staying. I suppose the emotional breakdown should be considered just has important as the physical. It’s never easy being in the situation. I’m sure if I were to read what I have posted prior to this craziness, I would call the person an idiot for settling in the first place.


Understand that yelling at you is a form of abuse. Your H needs to seek help with his anger issues. He needs come to reality that yelling is abusive.


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## Marduk

Yeswecan said:


> Understand that yelling at you is a form of abuse. Your H needs to seek help with his anger issues. He needs come to reality that yelling is abusive.


I’m not excusing his abusive behaviour, but I am wondering if he’s well aware that his wife doesn’t really love him, never did, and only married him because of another man.

He should be leaving rather than raging, but I do wonder.

At any rate, the best course of action for everyone involved is to divorce.

Best for the husband, because he is married to someone that lied to him, used him, and appears to be sitting there unhappily drinking wine bemoaning the consequences for her own decisions.

Best for the child, because she’s being raised in an unhappy home filled with raging father and a mom that while may not be checked out of parenting, appears to be checked out of the marriage.

Best for OP, because no amount of wine will undo her poor decision making or help her start to make good decisions.

Throwing pity parties for yourself never works for anyone.


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## MattMatt

Marduk said:


> I’m not excusing his abusive behaviour, but I am wondering if he’s well aware that his wife doesn’t really love him, never did, and only married him because of another man.
> 
> He should be leaving rather than raging, but I do wonder.
> 
> At any rate, the best course of action for everyone involved is to divorce.
> 
> Best for the husband, because he is married to someone that lied to him, used him, and appears to be sitting there unhappily drinking wine bemoaning the consequences for her own decisions.
> 
> Best for the child, because she’s being raised in an unhappy home filled with raging father and a mom that while may not be checked out of parenting, appears to be checked out of the marriage.
> 
> Best for OP, because no amount of wine will undo her poor decision making or help her start to make good decisions.
> 
> Throwing pity parties for yourself never works for anyone.


And being married to someone who drinks too much can be its own kind of hell.


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## Alicia78

Marduk said:


> Yeswecan said:
> 
> 
> 
> Understand that yelling at you is a form of abuse. Your H needs to seek help with his anger issues. He needs come to reality that yelling is abusive.
> 
> 
> 
> I’m not excusing his abusive behaviour, but I am wondering if he’s well aware that his wife doesn’t really love him, never did, and only married him because of another man.
> 
> He should be leaving rather than raging, but I do wonder.
> 
> At any rate, the best course of action for everyone involved is to divorce.
> 
> Best for the husband, because he is married to someone that lied to him, used him, and appears to be sitting there unhappily drinking wine bemoaning the consequences for her own decisions.
> 
> Best for the child, because she’s being raised in an unhappy home filled with raging father and a mom that while may not be checked out of parenting, appears to be checked out of the marriage.
> 
> Best for OP, because no amount of wine will undo her poor decision making or help her start to make good decisions.
> 
> Throwing pity parties for yourself never works for anyone.
Click to expand...

Thanks for your response. No pity parties here my friend. In addition, you don’t know the entire story. I also didn’t say I have become an alcoholic. Too much wine for me might possibly be a normal amount to someone else. I’m responsible and dealing with something that I mad a mistake with. Would you also consider him not being honest about his temper?


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## Alicia78

MattMatt said:


> Marduk said:
> 
> 
> 
> I’m not excusing his abusive behaviour, but I am wondering if he’s well aware that his wife doesn’t really love him, never did, and only married him because of another man.
> 
> He should be leaving rather than raging, but I do wonder.
> 
> At any rate, the best course of action for everyone involved is to divorce.
> 
> Best for the husband, because he is married to someone that lied to him, used him, and appears to be sitting there unhappily drinking wine bemoaning the consequences for her own decisions.
> 
> Best for the child, because she’s being raised in an unhappy home filled with raging father and a mom that while may not be checked out of parenting, appears to be checked out of the marriage.
> 
> Best for OP, because no amount of wine will undo her poor decision making or help her start to make good decisions.
> 
> Throwing pity parties for yourself never works for anyone.
> 
> 
> 
> And being married to someone who drinks too much can be its own kind of hell.
Click to expand...

To clarify, I don’t drink in general... so drinking to much for MYSELF could be a normal amount to someone else. I mentioned consuming more wine as a way to show my stress level with his temper... that’s all. I realize there are two sides to every story, but for me to post this, I am being vulnerable and honest to receive feedback. Thanks for your comments


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## Alicia78

MattMatt said:


> Alicia78 said:
> 
> 
> 
> New here and looking for advice or to see if anyone else has been in the same situation. I do have close friends I talk to about this, but would like to hear from people who don’t have my interest at heart only. My situation in as small of a nutshell that I can get it. I met my husband after a relationship in which I had my heart broken. My answer to fix it and avoid heartache later was to just stick with someone who is a good guy even if you don’t feel romantic feelings.... and I did just that. I dated and married someone who I had not had those feelings for. I figured I could grow to love essentially. Unfortunately, throughout the marriage (going on 4 years), I discovered that he had an extreme temper. In addition, all of the things that made me who I am when I met him at the time have been criticized by him to the point where I no longer feel like myself. I am constantly irritated, drink more wine than I ever had in the past, and struggle with my decision. While the idea was to “grow” in love, it went the opposite direction. We do have an amazing 3 yr old and my intention is to certainly not hurt anyone, but I’m struggling with my decision I made and feel like I just have to deal with it and suffer through. Thanks for any advice/sharing of this type of experience.
> 
> 
> 
> How much wine do you drink?
> 
> Does your drinking cause problems?
> 
> Counselling might help. But then, so would honesty, to be honest.
Click to expand...

Thanks for the comment. I don’t typically drink at all and have recently started having 2 glasses of wine. My reasoning for consuming any is to calm myself down from the stress level, really the entire reason why I mentioned in the first place. My normal stress relief has been exercise and I am bothered by the fact that apart from exercise, I need a glass of wine. I feel like there are now more comments about me mentioning wine... so that’s helpful


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## MattMatt

Alicia78 said:


> Thanks for the comment. I don’t typically drink at all and have recently started having 2 glasses of wine. My reasoning for consuming any is to calm myself down from the stress level, really the entire reason why I mentioned in the first place. My normal stress relief has been exercise and I am bothered by the fact that apart from exercise, I need a glass of wine. I feel like there are now more comments about me mentioning wine... so that’s helpful


Two glasses of wine? That's probably not a problem.


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## Marduk

Alicia78 said:


> Thanks for your response. No pity parties here my friend. In addition, you don’t know the entire story. I also didn’t say I have become an alcoholic. Too much wine for me might possibly be a normal amount to someone else. I’m responsible and dealing with something that I mad a mistake with. Would you also consider him not being honest about his temper?


I’m not sure. When did his temper start? How long were you together before you got married?

How much are you drinking? What does it mean when you say you are irritable? 

What is it that you want to do?

What does success here mean to you?


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## Marduk

Alicia78 said:


> Thanks for the comment. I don’t typically drink at all and have recently started having 2 glasses of wine. My reasoning for consuming any is to calm myself down from the stress level, really the entire reason why I mentioned in the first place. My normal stress relief has been exercise and I am bothered by the fact that apart from exercise, I need a glass of wine. I feel like there are now more comments about me mentioning wine... so that’s helpful


On the spectrum of coping mechanisms, one or two glasses of wine are not problematic unless you think they are. I can certainly think of worse ways to deal with stress. 

But I can also think of other positive things you could do. You mention exercise - yoga is a good one, for example. 

When you feel you need wine - what is it that triggers that?


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## Prodigal

Alicia78 said:


> ... you don’t know the entire story. I also didn’t say I have become an alcoholic.


No, we honestly don't know the entire story; we can only respond to what you have posted thus far. And I haven't seen anyone bandying about the term "alcoholic" here.

Just sounds to me like you were hopeful love between the two of you would grow over time. It didn't. He has a bad temper. You are stressed out. Time to set boundaries. You can either live with this, or you can't. I'm only responding to what you have discussed. Drinking may be an issue, it very well may not.


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## alte Dame

Millions of people in the world have started with arranged marriages but wound up in marriages of love. It happens all the time, so you shouldn't beat yourself up too much about your choice.

For me, the temper is the number 1 issue. You have a small child and it sounds like his temper is sometimes directed at the child (?). If so, this must be addressed immediately. He must sign on to anger management and get the help he needs or you separate.

If it's directed just at you, you can still issue the ultimatum. He gets help or else.


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## Tilted 1

Alicia, did your H's change start when you "felt" that you made the wrong choice? If so maybe he's just picking up on the vibes. And or did you mention anything to him at that time?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Perhaps one of the questions if you asked yourself may help you with a direction.

Would you want to, (not should and could) but want to remain married to this man if he didn't have this temper/yelling reaction to (?) disagreements?

If no, then.....

Also, is it possible H has picked up on your negative vibes on the M, long before you thought he did?

Because he has, even if you think he hasn't. Your regret in marrying him will show in ways even between arguments. 
That will cause frustration and response-resentment in him consciously or subconsciously. 

Btw, yelling in anger is never good, I'm not condoning that. Some folks yell until they realize there are other options without increased anger or yelling levels.


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## Marduk

alte Dame said:


> Millions of people in the world have started with arranged marriages but wound up in marriages of love. It happens all the time, so you shouldn't beat yourself up too much about your choice.
> 
> For me, the temper is the number 1 issue. You have a small child and it sounds like his temper is sometimes directed at the child (?). If so, this must be addressed immediately. He must sign on to anger management and get the help he needs or you separate.
> 
> If it's directed just at you, you can still issue the ultimatum. He gets help or else.


I disagree - Unless he knew that she didn’t love him and was just responding to the prior break up instead of actually wanting to be with him. 

If he went in eyes open, then bad on him. 

If he went in being lied to, then bad on her.


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## LisaDiane

alte Dame said:


> Millions of people in the world have started with arranged marriages but wound up in marriages of love. It happens all the time, so you shouldn't beat yourself up too much about your choice.



I agree that you have nothing to feel guilty about, marrying hoping for love to grow - it probably could have happened if he didn't have such a bad temper, and started making you feel like he didn't like anything about you.
I don't blame you for wanting to leave, so you need to do what the other posters have said -- set your boundaries, and don't accept being treated like that. You especially owe that to your daughter! She needs to see her mom taking care of herself and protecting herself, because you DESERVE that! Let go of the shame, it has NO place in your heart or your relationship.

If he doesn't make the changes necessary to be a decent, loving husband and father, then I would think a separation is a clear next-step for you, GUILT FREE.


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## She'sStillGotIt

Alicia78 said:


> Rebound yes, attracted to yes, but attraction only takes you so far. The different personality/compatibility issue was not “discovered” until after marriage, about a few months into it. I am fully responsible for doing something I shouldn’t have done in the first place and for a poor reason at that, but the temper and other issues came later.


So why is it so HARD for you to *admit *that you made a stupid and selfish choice, that your husband - regardless of his anger issues - doesn't deserve to be someone's consolation prize which is essentially what you made him, and that it's obviously not working for you and you need to move on?

Why are you making this *10 times harder than it has to be*?


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