# 25 and too young for this....



## BethanyKay2005 (Mar 20, 2013)

I have been married for 3 1/2 years, but separated for for 2 1/4 years. We're both young, I’m 25, and “Jim” is 26. Things were rocky when we were dating. He had a drug problem in the past, and before we got married he went to rehab, and moved about 2 1/2 hours away to something like a halfway house. He moved home for me, because I refused to move away from my family. When he got here, he lied to me about looking for work. When he did find work, it was a fight to get him to help with the bills. In hindsight, its like we were running two separate households, in one. We fought and argued all the time. We even got physical a few times, to the point I ended up in the hospital. It got a point where I was never home. I came home to sleep, shower, and sometimes eat. When I was home, I couldn't stand to be near him, I hated to have him touch me. I made him leave the apartment. I told him that it didn't mean it was forever, but I was fully intent on divorcing him. He was, and still is opposed to divorce but is willing.

During our marriage and separation, i have openly bad mouthed him. I have gotten a better job, maintained the apartment we once shared. I have seen two people, both of which I’m still friends with, one of which only ended recently. I ended it because it was becoming too serious and complicated, as he happens to be a co worker and the owners grandson at one of my jobs. We'll call him Bob. 

During our separation, my husband finally got a better job. He got an apartment (which I helped him find). He's still making some poor financial choices, but he has had his apartment for a year and a half. During this time he continued behaviors I had told him were unacceptable many times, and generally bring drama to my home. Most recently, a matter of days in fact, he jumped/started a fight with "Bob" at my house when he was dropping me off from hanging out with his sister.

My friends and family all dislike “Jim” for the way he has treated me and behaved. In his defense (I hate to do this), I never really talked about the nice things he did when he did them. In hindsight, I didn't try to make it work and we have fought about that forever it seems like. I just don't want to admit it to him. I walked into my marriage, knowing if it didn't work I could always get a divorce. Not just that, but I "knew" my marriage would fail. But I said I would marry him, and I did. Probably not the best attitude for beginning a life long commitment.

When we separated, I told him it didn't have to be forever, (but I intended it). We would kill each other. Part of me used the separation as a way to leave. Period. I guess now, I'm left wondering if there really was hope for my marriage, if there still could be. Did I let my friends and family decide for me. I know that's what they want. Even when I filed in the papers, I did it mostly because it was what was expected of me, though I haven't told anyone that. People are usually to busy “understanding” and telling you what you think and feel, instead of asking you.
I threw Jim out and said mean hateful things because I should hate him. I've seen other people, because I should move on. I filed papers because I should. 

I just have so many questions. My parents were never married and my grandmother was miserable in the marriages I saw; does that mean that I don't know how to be married? What if knowing I could get a divorce, is why my marriage is heading that way? What if I had actually tried in the beginning? What if Jim had actually tried in the beginning? If I hadn't complained about him so much, would my friends and family still hate him? If I stayed, would they understand? Would they still talk to me? Would they make me choose between them and him by not welcoming him to their homes? After all the help they gave us to keep us in our apartment when we first got married, and then me after he left, am I obligated to divorce him? What if my arm had never been broken, would this still be so complicated? Does my family have a right to hate him for my injury, if I am the one who was hurt and can't hate him for it? Am I sick for still loving him? Is this too much for any one marriage to handle? What if he signs that papers, and I don't? Is there no chance we could be one of those couples who comes back from the brink of sabotage?


----------



## totamm (May 1, 2012)

There is absolutely no chance of the marriage working out.

The marriage was a huge mistake.

The divorce is going to be the first thing you've done right since you met this guy.


----------



## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

I agree. You have your whole life ahead of you & that was a disaster from the get go. Chalk it up as a mistake & learn from it. Most importantly, don't settle. There are plenty of guys with no baggage, don't start off "behind the 8 ball", marriage is hard enough.


----------



## portabledorothy (Mar 19, 2013)

It sounds like you're bogged down by what-ifs that aren't helping in your decision making. This guy sounds destructive and allowing him to continue being a part of your life is self-destructive. You deserve happiness and you will find it if you have the confidence to believe that you do. It doesn't matter what other people think, if they love you they'll support your decision to make your life better. Stop questioning, leave this man, he is hurting you.


----------



## allowingthecakeeating (Mar 13, 2013)

Run run as fast as you can!!


----------



## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

zappy88200 said:


> Bethany - Do what you feel like doing and don't listen to your family or friends because they wouldn't be with you forever.
> 
> Don't feel obligated to Divorce because of the pressure from family or friends.
> 
> ...


:iagree: 100%








_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## alone_not_lonely (Mar 22, 2012)

Hi Bethany.
I'm 25 and i took my son and left my abusive, destructive husband.
It was one of the hardest things i ever did, but a year and a half later- I've got back my zest for life that i lost along the way. Money prevents a divorce at the moment, but just having cut the ties of a destructive life and man has helped me to be me and my son and i are both happy.
I don't necessarily think the advice above is bad as suggested, but you need to do what makes you happy.
Surround yourself with positive people and take positive action.
If you go ahead with the divorce, use it as a learning experience. It will be hard- but most things to help us grow and learn are.
Live, grow and do what will make you happy babe, whether it is to try again or to move on. Your life is not over if you end it- you've only just begun


----------



## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

zappy88200 said:


> What a shameless advise.....
> 
> Hated to read what you wrote....callous
> 
> ...


Not when I read that he put her in the hospital. That is a dangerous game to play with a mate and I see no way of it ever becoming civil.


----------



## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Are you gong to a therapist? I think you would benefit from seeing a therapist about how your family life influences at a subconscious level your choice of men and the relationships you develop. It is one of the best things I have done during my separation from my W.



BethanyKay2005 said:


> Most recently, a matter of days in fact, he jumped/started a fight with "Bob" at my house when he was dropping me off from hanging out with his sister.


Unless he learns how to respond to his anger without using violence, he will be unstable in your marriage. It is possible that his violence at some point could turn on you or himself. He's probably learned to cover up his fear, anxiety, loneliness and such things as "weak" emotions that he either has to stamp down and not express at all, or when it becomes too much, to lash out at somebody and hurt somebody through violence, hurtful verbal abuse or other inappropriate behavior. Others also learn to hide those "weak" emotions through drugs or alcohol. He needs counseling as well. He won't be able to be a good marriage partner till he learns to respond to his emotions in a more healthy manner.


----------



## alone_not_lonely (Mar 22, 2012)

*Re: Re: 25 and too young for this....*



BFGuru said:


> Not when I read that he put her in the hospital. That is a dangerous game to play with a mate and I see no way of it ever becoming civil.


Oh what??!!
I, too, must have missed this!
So my gentle urging towards moving on has become a massive push to move on.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Don't second guess yourself and go back into a hostile environment. Proceed through the divorce. Be grateful you didn't have children with this jerk!


----------



## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

BethanyKay2005 said:


> I have been married for 3 1/2 years, but separated for for 2 1/4 years. We're both young, I’m 25, and “Jim” is 26. Things were rocky when we were dating. He had a drug problem in the past, and before we got married he went to rehab, and moved about 2 1/2 hours away to something like a halfway house. He moved home for me, because I refused to move away from my family. When he got here, he lied to me about looking for work. When he did find work, it was a fight to get him to help with the bills. In hindsight, its like we were running two separate households, in one. We fought and argued all the time. *We even got physical a few times, to the point I ended up in the hospital*...





alone_not_lonely said:


> Oh what??!!
> I, too, must have missed this!
> So my gentle urging towards moving on has become a massive push to move on.


I see this only getting worse, not better.


----------



## alone_not_lonely (Mar 22, 2012)

*Re: Re: 25 and too young for this....*



BFGuru said:


> I see this only getting worse, not better.


Absolutely in agreeance with you.
While i was gently gently suggesting the OP move on at first, I'm now absolutely hoping she will.
I totally missed the part about being hospitalized.
Regardless, the OP must make her own decisions, and in a situation like that, blatantly screaming run doesn't often work. I know when i was in that position and it was screamed at me, i dug my effing heels in like a nitwit :/ silly girl that i was


----------



## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

Yeah, I hear you. Hindsight is always 20/20 and although mine never hit me, he had the ability to make me wish I were dead with his words. He also put his fist through a few walls. I don't know why I ever waited for him to call it off.


----------

