# 4 years together-not sexually attracted to him



## toppingoff (Nov 19, 2012)

My partner and I have been together almost 4 years. He's an amazing guy, very sweet and caring and is really good to me. The only problem is that our physical relationship is not that great. 

The reason behind this is because his health is not good. He has very low stamina and he does not perform very well. He is only in his 20's but has the energy level of a 50 year old man. I've encouraged him and asked him to exercise with me but he refuses to set up a routine. Our sex life has soured so much to a point that I do not enjoy having sex with him. I think the last time was 3 months ago. I would much rather do other things to please him in order to avoid having intercourse.

I'm still in my early 20's and I feel like a dried up old maid. I'm no longer sexually attracted to my bf. However, our emotional connection is great. He has an awesome personality and we get along very well.

We've argued about these issues before but he has not been fully committed to making changes in his diet and exercise in order to improve his health. I feel like if I break up with him, I will be letting go of a very amazing person. At the same time, I also want to desire the person I am with. He's my first so I dont have experience else where. He wants to get married but I don't want to fully commit to a person that I will not enjoy sleeping with for the rest of my life.

What to do???


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## Viseral (Feb 25, 2011)

What are his health issues that are contributing to his low drive?


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## toppingoff (Nov 19, 2012)

High cholesterol and high levels of uric acid in his blood. I wouldn't say he has low sex drive. It's just that his health related issues contribute to his low stamina. He gets soft very easily and cannot last too long....


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Wow in his twenties? The way he's going he won't be seeing all his thirties.

He's on his way to major heart problems and gout which will trash his joints.

No wonder he has such bad stamina. If its gotten so bad that he can't have a good erection is a major bad sign.

Is he being treated for these problems by a doctor?

Has he redone his diet to avoid high sat fat? And things which will enflame the gout?

You may want to avoid marrying ths guy or having kids with him. Sorry to be cold about it but this guy has very bad genes and given his problems he isn't likely to be growing old with anyone. You might end up a young widow


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Is he over weight?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

4 years together, no kids, still in your 20's. Hmmm... That's a tough one....Oh, I know.

LEAVE HIM! You found someone for whom you are not compatible. And you NEVER WILL BE. Take it from someone who, after 3 kids and 25 years together, is now stuck in a loveless, sexless marriage. I knew my wife wasn't attracted to me at all but I married her anyhow. The rest of our marriage was perfect, except for the sex. And you know what? She was willing to do other stuff to me in order to not have intercourse. But you know what? She now doesn't even love me and I am stuck in this marriage until I die. It SUCKS!

I know you don't want to lose a great guy, but it will turn out bad for both of you if you stay. You do what you have to for you, but if ANY of your decision to stay will be because you don't want to hurt HIM, change that immediately. LEAVE for him. Better now when he can find someone who loves him the way he is (there are PLENTY of low to zero drive women he will be a PERFECT match with). Better to get the ugliness out of the way before there are kids, commitments and a WHOLE LOT OF RESENTMENT in the picture. 

By you leaving, does that mean it's over? Probably. But telling him to fix his lifestyle and health for the both of you hasn't helped, has it? Maybe if he see's the negatives to not doing it, he will get some incentive.

No matter what, it all starts by telling him it's over, be honest about why, then move on. Maybe that'll scare him into changing. If not, it will allow BOTH OF YOU to find someone more compatible.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

MrK said:


> 4
> No matter what, it all starts by telling him it's over, be honest about why, then move on. Maybe that'll scare him into changing. If not, it will allow BOTH OF YOU to find someone more compatible.


If and when he changes, have the heart to accept him and take him back. Men don't change easily and they do only when they fear of losing something or someone they truly love. So if he changes in the fear of losing you, that means he is changing for himself (so that he doesn't lose your love and companionship) and that change is permanent. Don't make the mistake of not taking him back, otherwise you will make the next woman in line a very happy one.


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## Open up now let it all go (Sep 20, 2012)

Is he depressed...?


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

even though you probable love him,it's time to move on...you will regret it every single day if you don't.


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## Open up now let it all go (Sep 20, 2012)

Well actually I've experienced this thing in my relationship as well and we managed to turn it around for the better. Although in hindsight I have to agree that was rather unnecessary and proceeded for way to long before we've decided to put a break on the downhill trend. But that was also related to the fact that I was very new to relationships and I didn't really know how to deal with making yourself as important as the notion of preserving the relationship. In other words: I learned what I want and do not want in a relationship.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

toppingoff said:


> High cholesterol and high levels of uric acid in his blood. I wouldn't say he has low sex drive. It's just that his health related issues contribute to his low stamina. He gets soft very easily and cannot last too long....


He seems to be eating and drinking to much. If that got to him in his twenties, if he is soft and weak, 

You'll be playing nurse in ten years over a fat guy that can't move out of bed anymore....

And you will be emotionally addicted to the situation also, your self esteem will be gone, you will disgust him...and yourself....

Tell him, for his own sake, why exactly you leave him, then close the door and start a new life.


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## Open up now let it all go (Sep 20, 2012)

IMO the guy deserves some form of ultimatum. I know how devastating it can be to have a loved one seemingly not care about their emotional and physical self but all to often they're to worn out to help themselves. If he really is too far gone then by all means leave as you definitely shouldn't sit and hope someone will chance forever. But you don't just walk out on a relationship of 4 years. If I would've listened to the replies on here I would've dropped my gf when she was depressed, lonely and physically unfit. I don't think I would've forgiven myself to just bail like that. Ofcourse if nothing would've changed I would've given up sooner or later as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You want this life, then marry him


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

life101 said:


> If and when he changes, have the heart to accept him and take him back. Men don't change easily and they do only when they fear of losing something or someone they truly love. So if he changes in the fear of losing you, that means he is changing for himself (so that he doesn't lose your love and companionship) and that change is permanent. Don't make the mistake of not taking him back, otherwise you will make the next woman in line a very happy one.


Well said, Life. My wife removed me from her life before I got a chance to change. When I found out she was gone, I already knew it was too late to get her back. But I still changed. There was no way I was going ever repeat behaviors that ended my marriage. NO WAY. It kills me every day knowing I'll never get her back. I'm fixed, but for the next woman, if she ever comes along (we're still together and will probably stay so).


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## toppingoff (Nov 19, 2012)

Thanks for all of your replies. He's overweight but not too much...it's bearable for me. He already has gout and that's what makes it so tough. It's hard to do any physical activities together. Before I met him, I was always out and about. Now my weekends are pretty sedentary. I love him a lot but don't know how I will cope like this for the rest of my life. I've tried all avenues to get him to see how his lifestyle affects our physical relationship. He simply sees it as me not loving him for who he is. I do love him for the person that he is which is why I stayed for so long. I know if we get married, he would treat me really well. Now if only he would exercise. He told me he absolutely hates it. He would have a routine for 2 weeks and leave it when I don't mention anything...


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

toppingoff said:


> Thanks for all of your replies. He's overweight but not too much...it's bearable for me. He already has gout and that's what makes it so tough. It's hard to do any physical activities together. Before I met him, I was always out and about. Now my weekends are pretty sedentary. I love him a lot but don't know how I will cope like this for the rest of my life. I've tried all avenues to get him to see how his lifestyle affects our physical relationship. He simply sees it as me not loving him for who he is. I do love him for the person that he is which is why I stayed for so long. I know if we get married, he would treat me really well. Now if only he would exercise. He told me he absolutely hates it. He would have a routine for 2 weeks and leave it when I don't mention anything...


Incentivize it. You should know what he likes the most. Tell him that if he exercises with you everyday you will do that thing that he likes the most. All the best and I wish you guys a happy ending.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

toppingoff said:


> Thanks for all of your replies. He's overweight but not too much...it's bearable for me. He already has gout and that's what makes it so tough. It's hard to do any physical activities together. Before I met him, I was always out and about. Now my weekends are pretty sedentary. I love him a lot but don't know how I will cope like this for the rest of my life. I've tried all avenues to get him to see how his lifestyle affects our physical relationship. He simply sees it as me not loving him for who he is. I do love him for the person that he is which is why I stayed for so long. I know if we get married, he would treat me really well. Now if only he would exercise. He told me he absolutely hates it. He would have a routine for 2 weeks and leave it when I don't mention anything...


It needs to be an ultimatum...and then follow through if he doesn't go along.

Look, it doesn't need to be harsh if you present it right. Something in the line of "sexual attraction is important to me, but with the changes in you, I don't find you attractive sexually anymore, but you could change that." And, most importantly, "I don't want you to feel that I am attracted to other men. You don't want me to stay with you just for kindness/support/financial security while my desire is not directed toward you, do you? That's not a long-term relationship. If you can't change, then I will have to move on." Something like that.

Because in the end, NO GUY wants to be the emotional support/financial support/sweet home support guy while his wife is lusting at other men. It's a recipe for disaster.


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## Open up now let it all go (Sep 20, 2012)

toppingoff said:


> He simply sees it as me not loving him for who he is.


He needs to snap out of this mindset. If he doesn't, he'll never have the incentive to change. There's nothing wrong with having certain expectations of what you want in a partner and it's just awful if your partner writes them all off under the excuse of 'you don't accept me for who I am'.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

You know, after my diatribe on giving him an ultimatum...

What makes you think that if he starts eating well and exercizing that he'll suddenly get a sex drive? I have gout and am not in the best of shape, but I'll have a go with my wife 4 times a day if she'd be up for it (as opposed to NEVER being up for it, but that's MY issue). He sounds low drive. That's not a behavioral thing he can fix.


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## toppingoff (Nov 19, 2012)

MrK said:


> You know, after my diatribe on giving him an ultimatum...
> 
> What makes you think that if he starts eating well and exercizing that he'll suddenly get a sex drive? I have gout and am not in the best of shape, but I'll have a go with my wife 4 times a day if she'd be up for it (as opposed to NEVER being up for it, but that's MY issue). He sounds low drive. That's not a behavioral thing he can fix.


I don't think he has a low sex drive. If he had the energy to do so, I'm sure we would be doing it often as well. He cannot do it everyday and takes a really long time to get hard after the first time. The problem is that everytime we do it, there's always an issue with keeping it up or he cannot last too long. This makes me feel insecure as well and we've talked about this many times. I know it stems from his sedentary lifestyle but he is too stubborn to see it


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

toppingoff said:


> I don't think he has a low sex drive. If he had the energy to do so, I'm sure we would be doing it often as well. He cannot do it everyday and takes a really long time to get hard after the first time. The problem is that everytime we do it, there's always an issue with keeping it up or he cannot last too long. This makes me feel insecure as well and we've talked about this many times. I know it stems from his sedentary lifestyle but he is too stubborn to see it


OK then. Give him his ultimatum and see what happens. He's not going to change without it. But if you're OK with keeping the oxygen tanks filled for his wheelchair when he's 40, just keep the status quo.

Want to see how fast he hits the treadmill when he discovers that his lifestyle just lost him everything? I can't offer much on this forum. But I have experience in the ability of a man to change once his world crashes around him because of his own actions. I changed IMMEDIATELY and irrevocably. I'll bet he does too.


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