# Why Won't He Initiate Or Try?



## notmarriedyet (Nov 10, 2012)

So, I am always back and forth, back and forth, I know. 

I am engaged and unsure if I want to follow thru with the wedding. 

My (possible) STBH has had an EA and somewhat of a porn thing going on - I don't say addicted because I'm not quite sure if he is or not because he hides it WELL ... but I say it's a "thing" because it interferes in our sex life at an extremely negative level. 

It has also smashed my self-esteem, partly because his viewing pleasure of choice is 18, etc. explicitly, no deviation from it. I am 34, he is 24 - I always hate bringing that up because the only thing relevant to our age difference that affects our relationship negatively is SEX or SEX related issues. PERIOD. He's not immature, irresponsible, inexperienced, etc. . .

Anyway - I am super HD, always have been. Him, not so much. 

But I'm not going to go into the entire back story, I am just going to tell what is happening now and see what kind of advice/feedback, etc I can get and use and hopefully implement. 

He's sort of LD, but I have good reason to suspect he is just intercourse LD, if that makes sense? I do know he masturbates at least daily, and I don't really consider someone who masturbates daily to have a low sex drive. Maybe I am mistaken. 

Anyhow, I proposed the other night that we try the 30-day sex challenge. He was thrilled! (he acted that way) and said "oh yes, absolutely! But let's start tomorrow. I worked all day and don't wanna pass out on you right after." Uh, this has never been an issue before, we wake up in the middle of the night and do it, sometimes I wake him up with a BJ or HJ, point is - I have never given him reason to think I would give a hoot if he fell asleep right after sex. 

Next day, I come to bed with a super short lacy nightshirt and super sexy lacy panties. Nothing. 

Day after that, no kids home - at their father's house for the night. We took a shower together, I shaved my lady bits in front of him (he likes to watch), I oiled up my body in front of him, I put on my face cream wearing only one of his tank-top undershirts. My freshly shaven region was showing, as was my backside, and everything was oiled! He stood next to me in the mirror, glanced at me a couple of times - I saw him look at my 
'area' but he just kept on shaving. So when I was done I threw some sweatpants on. :/

After that - we just got a new couch so we watched some TV shows & sort of cuddled, but nothing sexual. He didn't make a move. 

Also, we take a shower together EVERY DAY. We never shower separately. He claims he just loves showering with me and gets super agitated if we do not take a shower together. The last time we showered separately was in November while he was away hunting. 
I brought up the sex challenge thing in the shower as well. We had not had sex for two days when I mentioned the challenge.

I'd also like to add that we can go 3-4 days without sex, get into the shower, I can try to put on a show or be 'sexy-ish" and he will never "show" that he's in the shower with a glistening wet chick. 

I don't know. What am I missing? What am I doing wrong? I initiate 90% of the time we have sex. He loves being woken up in the middle of the night, and I do it often. 

But I'd love to be desired. I want my man to get hard when he sees me. I want my old man to have a hard on for me and come and get it. 

I don't really have any specific questions I guess. Just looking for comments. Just sharing, venting. Thanks for reading my rant! I feel better to get it off of my chest. TAM is the best


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Possibly he is scared of rejection so he waits for you to make a move. He may not understand the clues you are putting out there and not equate your outfits to your desire for sex. Have you told him you want him to initiate more? Are you able to have conversations with him about your needs?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

At 24, if there was a naked woman in the house, I'd have a raging erection. I don't know what's wrong with your guy, but I wouldn't consider marriage until things are safely back on track for awhile, like months. 

What did he say when you brought up the 30 day thing again?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## notmarriedyet (Nov 10, 2012)

He is more than FULLY aware that I want sex anytime & anyplace, I have never turned him down. He knows how much I want him all of the time. He never gets rejected. The only time I would consider rejecting him is if I were super sick or something. We have had many conversations about both of our sexual needs. He doesn't 'put himself out there' as openly & honestly as I do. He's not very forthcoming about sexual fantasies, etc. 

When I brought up the 30-day thing, he said, "Awesome! That sounds like something I would most definitely enjoy looking forward to doing for the month" , etc. Then in the next breath he says, let's start tomorrow. 

I didn't mention it again. We are on day four since I gave him the challenge. And believe me when I say, he KNOWS I am thinking about the challenge. He has not forgotten.

There are very, very, very rarely any raging erections around here. It's really hard to get him hard.  
I'm about to stop showering with him. A woman can only soap up her boobs and everything else for that matter, lotion & oil her body while bending over and all of that stuff - only to look behind her and her man is completely flaccid and/or not even paying attention. 

It's not like he's 'used' to the show, he's never really ever paid attention. Hence, my old brain goes to: maybe if I were 18 . . .


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Please do not follow through with a wedding expecting anything to be different. If you love him and want to be with him and can live with this sexual situation that's one thing. If you are hoping he will change or that marriage will change his behavior that is another.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

As a MARRIED woman going through this with a man who acts the same as yours....

RUN! RUN! 

It's just not worth it, find yourself a man who desires sex with you. 

I'm too late for that, because I take my vows seriously. But you still have a chance to find something better. 

Seriously. If you want to talk or anything, let me know. Your story is all too familiar.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

notmarriedyet said:


> I'm about to stop showering with him. A woman can only soap up her boobs and everything else for that matter, lotion & oil her body while bending over and all of that stuff - only to look behind her and her man is completely flaccid and/or not even paying attention.


I used to love showering with my husband....

But your right, there is only so many times you can soap up your naked body, and not even get a glance before it starts hurting your feelings. 

My husband doesn't get aroused while I'm in the shower either. 

But he seems to enjoy rubbing himself, while he is turned away from me. 

Ouch.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Several possibilities come to mind. He is naturally LD. He has low T. He's not that into you, but is afraid to back out of the engagement.

The second could be fixed, if that's the cause. Otherwise, you may be better off not marrying him. If the sex is a problem now, it will only get worse unless there is a fix.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So he insists on showering with you, but then doesn't pay attention? How about starting to turn down the thermostat. Stop worrying about his needs so much if yours aren't being met. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Oh , and if he's masturbating daily while turning down sex with you, being hard to get erect, etc. it's not so much that he doesn't want sex. He doesn't want sex with you. Stop listening to his words, start paying attentions to his actions. And his actions are saying you're not his cup of tea, sexually. 

Sorry to be harsh, but that's my. $0.02. Speaking as a guy who was in a sexually unsatisfying relationship for way too long. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

Clearly, you need to post pone your wedding.

My gut tells me you need to look elsewhere. Back when I was 24, if I had a naked women standing in front of me throwing bombs that she wanted to have sex... It's gonna happen!


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Does he work? If so does he make enough money to support himself if he was alone? I can't imagine being uninterested in sex when I was 24 EVEN if I had masturbated earlier in the day.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

"We took a shower together, I shaved my lady bits in front of him (he likes to watch), I oiled up my body in front of him, I put on my face cream wearing only one of his tank-top undershirts. My freshly shaven region was showing, as was my backside, and everything was oiled!"

OK, I can tell you without any doubt that he is not sane. 

...and yes if porn is interfering with your sex life than he is addicted and it matters not how often he uses it. 

Possibly he needs you to be even more assertive. I know it is opposite of what is normal and may be a turn off for you but you should try this and see if that is it.

You say OK day one we will do X
Day two, now we will do X
etc...


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

I think you and I have traded PMs in the past.  

Don't marry him right now. If I had known the extent of my husband's porn habit and his inability to cope with LIFE without it, I would have thought long and hard about marrying him and probably turned him down in the end. I love him, I love our life (now) but it caused many fights, tears, and long nights of rejection. 

He'd been doing it long before he met me and that is deeply ingrained. 

He either does not desire you or something is blocking his drive. You could try being more clear in your signals but I can't see anyone misreading half naked and oily.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I think your guy is just one of many in the current generation of guys who "learned" to only be sexual via MB-ing and not through partnered sex. There will be millions and millions of stories like yours in the upcoming years. HD women with men who don't know how to have sex.

I'm sorry, this is probably not going to improve...which I'm only saying because I know you have had many talks already.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

The OP has read this a dozen (or more) times already. However, here goes. First, he may have low testosterone. Second, he may be getting off in the form of porn or masturbation. 

About porn, let me ask one question. Is the husband a person that has to have his needs/desires met now? For example, if he is craving pizza does he act on the urge right now or can it wait?


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> I think your guy is just one of many in the current generation of guys who "learned" to only be sexual via MB-ing and not through partnered sex. There will be millions and millions of stories like yours in the upcoming years. HD women with men who don't know how to have sex.
> 
> I'm sorry, this is probably not going to improve...which I'm only saying because I know you have had many talks already.


I completely agree with you. 

Sex is important to both men and women and it sucks to see so many people get cheated out of the passionate love lives they crave.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

AnnieAsh said:


> I completely agree with you.
> 
> Sex is important to both men and women and it sucks to see so many people get cheated out of the passionate love lives they crave.


They get cheated out of much more than this, but yes it's horrible.

Some of the people depriving others of kindness and affections even call themself "christians".


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Not sure what religion has to do with it...?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Not sure what religion has to do with it...?


I was pointing out the irony of someone starving their spouse of affection, kindness and intimacy may be a "christian". When they might not even understand that the bible says that the husbands body is the wifes and the wifes body is the husband, and that neither should be denied, unless they come forth in prayer.

So there should be very few circumstances that should not allow it.

Christianity would also be a kind tougue and loving guestures and treatments, but many are the most hate filled people in the world.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Again...what does it have to do with the OP? Just seems like you're making a religious bash out of nothing.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Again...what does it have to do with the OP? Just seems like you're making a religious bash out of nothing.


Not bashing Christians, just bashing people who call themselves this and are really hate filled selfish individuals. They don't understand that Jesus was not a prideful person at all, he must have been the most giving, loving man who ever walked the earth, and if such a sinless pure man walked the earth again he would surely be crucified and hated.

One of my friends is a "stronger" christian than me cause they go to church more, etc. I do my own reading. She is pretty judgemental, and they will pidgeon hole you quickly.

In any case, she grew up in a household where it was normal for the mom and dad to have seperate rooms. And get this, Dad hasn't experienced intimacy for 20 years, yet he is giving, loving and responsible to the household. They don't see anything wrong with it.

My thoughts is for the love of christ, how in the hell could you justify doing this to someone? Making him look so Emasculated...


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

:scratchhead:


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> :scratchhead:


What's wrong?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Again, I just don't get what it has to do with the OP, you seemed to bring it up randomly. But no worries.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Again, I just don't get what it has to do with the OP, you seemed to bring it up randomly. But no worries.


Ahh, that was just killing me had to get it out and was hoping you'd comment on how you too thought it wasn't ok, or perhaps saw how they could justify it...


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I try to keep religion out of the bedroom, myself. I try not to make opinions about a person's beliefs. And to my way of thinking...people who are making any type of reason not to be sexual, simply aren't that sexual. If you believe in that kind of thing, then God made them that way (not very sexual).

But that's just my weird way of saying...I see the point as moot.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> I try to keep religion out of the bedroom, myself. I try not to make opinions about a person's beliefs. And to my way of thinking...people who are making any type of reason not to be sexual, simply aren't that sexual. If you believe in that kind of thing, then God made them that way (not very sexual).
> 
> But that's just my weird way of saying...I see the point as moot.


My argument was even if a wife or husband was just not sexual, they could GIVE sexual exchange and intimacy to their partner out of love and consideration of their needs.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

The odds for your marriage being successful are extremely slim.

Minor children, he's 10 years younger, and not interested in having sex with you. All major contributors to a high divorce rate.


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## notmarriedyet (Nov 10, 2012)

Thabks everyone so much for all of the thoughtful replies, none of which I considered harsh!

I do need to hear these things. I read TCW's LD husband thread and see my own relationship. 

I understand it will likely never ever change. He is the way he is. 

And yrs, he does want things "now" absolutely. He's not a jerk about it or anything, and he's not too terribly upset if he doesn't get certain things such as pizza "now". But yes, he is a bit like that!

It is heartbreaking and a huge self esteem killer. It's comforting to read people assure me I'm not nuts!

He works every day, we both do the same type of job - it is tiring and long hours, but we are young and it's not something that should be interfering to this extent.


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## jdd (Aug 30, 2013)

notmarriedyet said:


> Thabks everyone so much for all of the thoughtful replies, none of which I considered harsh!
> 
> I do need to hear these things. I read TCW's LD husband thread and see my own relationship.
> 
> ...


I strongly suspect the root cause of his problems is Porn use. I strongly suggest no porn use what so ever. It may take him 6 months with no porn use to regain more normal sexual function.

Here is one web site on the subject that I suggest you and he review:

Your Brain On Porn | Evolution has not prepared your brain for today's Internet porn


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

In other posts you seem to attack your husband for porn and masturbation and lasting 2 minutes... I can see why he probably doesn't want to have sex with you and probably takes care of it himself.

So I have two suggestions. First, when you want sex, go for it. Stop waiting for him to initiate. Make him say no to you, then you have a legitimate argument. Second, f*** him senseless. Take ANY sexual inclination he has and wring it out of him through sex.

Curious about one thing... has there ever been a time in the relationship where his sex drive exceeded yours and you had to say no to him more than a few times?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Religion influences culture, etc etc etc.


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## notmarriedyet (Nov 10, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> In other posts you seem to attack your husband for porn and masturbation and lasting 2 minutes... I can see why he probably doesn't want to have sex with you and probably takes care of it himself.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



True, we've had discussions or arguments about the porn and masturbation. However, I did thoughtfully plan my conversations as to be non-shaming and as non judgmental as I could be. 

True, he doesn't last very long at all. Hardly ever. We would have to have sex several days in a row, or several times in a day for it to last longer than a couple of minutes. I have NEVER EVER NEVER mentioned the 2-minute hit it and quit it to him. Never. I've never complained or even hinted that it wasn't long enough of a session. I handle his ego with TLC. 

I understand what you mean, I should make him tell me "no", but I'm over that. I don't want to initiate anymore!! Well, not never, but not now. 
I want to be desired dammit! Chased! Ravished!! I want my man to WANT ME. I want to be desired. Trust me, I've been told no plenty of times. "It's sore" "I'm tired" I could go on ......

I have never told the man "no" to PIV one time. Once. It was a bad girl day for me if you know what I mean, and he got a BJ anyhow. 
His sex drive has never exceeded mine as of yet. I wish. 
The only time he seems genuinely interested and "into" it is once a year when he gets home from a week and a half of hunting.


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## Will be happy (Dec 18, 2013)

If my W had put on a show like that I would have flung myself over her without hesitating for one second. It sounds very strange to me that he´s not more interested than that. Maybe porn and masturbation can do that, but that´s nothing compared to the real thing. Just something to use when there is lack of the real action, but that doesn´t seem to be the case.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

notmarriedyet said:


> Next day, I come to bed with a super short lacy nightshirt and super sexy lacy panties. Nothing.
> 
> Day after that, no kids home - at their father's house for the night. We took a shower together, I shaved my lady bits in front of him (he likes to watch), I oiled up my body in front of him, I put on my face cream wearing only one of his tank-top undershirts. My freshly shaven region was showing, as was my backside, and everything was oiled!


Just thinking about this makes me get hard! I would love to get this type of attention.




notmarriedyet said:


> But I'd love to be desired. I want my man to get hard when he sees me. I want my old man to have a hard on for me and come and get it.


At 24, your man should not have any issues with performance. At that age I could hammer nails with my hard-ons.

I can only give my experience, but the reason I would not initiate would be just to many rejections over the years. The ego can take but so many "no" or "you've got to me kidding" statements before you stop trying. At his age, he should not have been in a relationship long enough to reach that point.

If the two of you have had discussions and you have lovingly tried to "show him the ropes," with no response, it may be time to pull the plug. As others have noted, judge him by his actions, not by his words. Everything seems to say that he is not interested in you sexually. Tough decision.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

If the guy is already only interested in 'barely legal' type porn, you're 10 years older than him, and he will not initiate even when you're naked and ready for action...do you really think your sex life will improve after marriage?

You don't have to please porn, it's non-threatening, as are teenage girls, unlike a grown woman with needs and expectations.

Is a sh*tty sex life a deal breaker for you? Sounds like it. I would move on.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

notmarriedyet said:


> The only time he seems genuinely interested and "into" it is once a year when he gets home from a week and a half of hunting.


So he's genuinely into it when he's gone a week and a half without porn. Probably coincidence.


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## axler (Dec 14, 2013)

I also think pornuse is the issue here,,, i also had a small problem with porn.. and what i realized is that when you quiet porn you're orgasms get more intens and you last longer,, 

guys who watch a lot of porn are shy and don't initiate that much anymore,, Porn never rejects you,, porn is always willing etc

But porn also changes the way you look at women,, when guys are addicted to porn,, the porn is better then the real deal,, this is because of the extreme dopamine rush,, 

And finanly,, most guys who watch porn all get problems with there erection, or with there stamina,,,

if my wife was shaving here bits in the shower or was standing half naked in the bathroom with oil on here body then im fully ready,, and i mean FULLY READY,, even without any touch,,, 

So i really think there is a problem somewhere,,

excuse the englisch,, im dutch. 

Grtz Axler


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> I think your guy is just one of many in the current generation of guys who "learned" to only be sexual via MB-ing and not through partnered sex. There will be millions and millions of stories like yours in the upcoming years. HD women with men who don't know how to have sex.
> 
> I'm sorry, this is probably not going to improve...which I'm only saying because I know you have had many talks already.


:iagree:

And unless your STBH realizes for himself that he needs to address his issues, I would think hard about marrying him.

If he's like this at 24, things don't bode well for the future.

I can't imagine desiring physical intimacy with a man who doesn't initiate. Whilst I can and do initiiate physical intimacy with my SO, it could never be the default position in our relationship. It's my SO's desire for me that ignites my passion for him. Without it, sex would be meaningless for me.


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## notmarriedyet (Nov 10, 2012)

Personal - my thoughts and feelings are exactly as you posted! 

His birthday is coming up, and the bother night I took him to a super lux, basically made for sex hotel. Well, made for relaxation too. 

We had sex a lot. In the pool, the jacuzzi, shower, bed. 


However, when we were resting and he thought I was asleep: he was looking for porn on the TV. 

:-(

I dunno what to make of it. 

Soon, very soon, it will be time to decide to:
1. Renew our current lease
2. Move (he wants to purchase a house!!)
3. Rent another house

These talks and bared souls need to happen quickly. It will be within this timeframe that our future is decided. 

I'd like for him to give up the porn for an extended period of time. I don't think he could. He craved it I believe, maybe not in an addiction sense. In the sense that he needs to look at something exciting. 
I will definitely show him the "your brain on porn" link before we talk. 

I don't think it's much to ask if he wants to be with me. It's simply something I can't live with. I jay can't. 

Maybe it is shame on me for it bring a deal breaker. 

But I want to be desired. After the hotel incident, I felt like pulling out all of my sensual/sexy stops wasn't even enough. He still needed to see porn. Sigh. 

Still no mention of the challenge. Before our trip we have had PIV 4 times since the beginning of the year. :/


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

I don't think porn is a bad thing per se, hell I've advocated it on this board. I do think that it can be a huge problem. I've seen the ted video's etc.

I think any kind of abuse is grounds for a 180. I like Athol Kays 2 week rule. 

"Anytime you notice your partner being usually moody, odd, avoidant or devious with you, never let it go on more than two weeks without getting to the bottom of it."

This goes for men too. If you suspect porn abuse, install a tracker. Get the evidence. Then nip this **** in the bud. Go 180 until its fixed. Addiction of any kind should be zero tolerance.


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## CASE_Sensitive (Jul 22, 2013)

Porn in the absence of the real thing is fine, but to pass on when a real person wants it, I just can't comprehend.

You're a woman with a healthy libido, aka winning the lottery.
You stay with this guy, you'll be having many, many, many nights of going to bed angry, frustrated, and stressed.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

"However, when we were resting and he thought I was asleep: he was looking for porn on the TV. 
:-(
I dunno what to make of it."

Just plain curiosity? 
Has he ever been to a hotel like that maybe he was just wondering what they had on. Most guys can watch porn just like an episode of some TV series. Want to watch some TV? Oh good, porn is on.

Porn is only a problem if it is taking away from you and not if he just finds porn casually entertaining.

I am not suggesting he is the right guy for you -just saying..


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

I wish you would come talk to my wife. Give her some suggestions and help her to realize that she can initiate.



Tell your man that he should be counting his lucky stars.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

The bottom line is he really doesn't have a problem. He's getting as much sex as he wants, he has a sexy woman to shower with, shave for him etc to get his motor running and porn to satisfy himself to. From his perspective its all good.

It's you who has the problem. You're not enjoying the sex life you desire with the man you love. 

I agree with a previous poster who suggested at this point you need to decide to accept things as they are or move on. I don't see he's got anything motivating him to change.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I vote for don't marry him, as nice as he is you will always feel like Mrs. Roper, she was this lady on an old sit-com who had to chase her h. for sex all the time. It seems humiliating to stand there naked and your man not be aroused ever, or very often.


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

notmarriedyet said:


> I don't know. What am I missing? What am I doing wrong?


Nothing. You're doing nothing wrong. This, this right here may well be as good as it's going to get.

Please, do NOT marry this man. Your resentment and frustration will grow and grow.

You are HD, from reading these forums it is obvious there are a lot of HD men out there - go snag yourself one. Seriously.


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## notmarriedyet (Nov 10, 2012)

Two quickies since we've been home from the hotel excursion. 

That's been since Thursday. Sigh. 

Went to bed with sexy stuff on again last night. Lacy panties, lacy tank - the tank that can usually hold only one boob at a time while I am lying down. 

Soooooo

My self-esteem is tanking and it's time to bring down the hammer and have the 
"I don't think we should get married" talk tonight. 

Any pointers on what to say? I plan on writing some points down so I don't miss anything important. But I only see this getting worse with time. 

It's going to kill me to leave. I love him so much. He loves me & the kids so much. But I have needs and yada yada yada. 

I'm at my wits end. When I woke up this morning and he was up getting ready for work I was infuriated. It was all I could do to be pleasant and not say, 
"HELLO! LOOK AT ME! DO YOU NOT SEE ME? DID YOU NOT FEEL ME IN THE NIGHT?" 

Sorry, end rant. Sigh.


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## notmarriedyet (Nov 10, 2012)

indiecat said:


> I vote for don't marry him, as nice as he is you will always feel like Mrs. Roper, she was this lady on an old sit-com who had to chase her h. for sex all the time. It seems humiliating to stand there naked and your man not be aroused ever, or very often.


I feel like Mrs. Roper AND Peggy Bundy.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

It seems that Dr. Obvious here has to make the obvious diagnosis...

He does not want to get married. He enjoys playing house, a sexy partner, and the occasional sex but he's not interested in tying the knot. Few 24 year olds are. 

Is Dr. Obvious the only one seeing it this way?


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## notmarriedyet (Nov 10, 2012)

john117 said:


> It seems that Dr. Obvious here has to make the obvious diagnosis...
> 
> He does not want to get married. He enjoys playing house, a sexy partner, and the occasional sex but he's not interested in tying the knot. Few 24 year olds are.
> 
> Is Dr. Obvious the only one seeing it this way?


I appreciate the observation/diagnosis, Dr. Obvious! I love obvious. 


He most definitely DOES want to get married. He has no reservations. It's I who has the reservations because of the sexual issues. Everything else is pretty much peachy keen. 

But if I feel like $hit about myself all the time - it ain't gonna be a happy one. 

I feel like an idiot to sit him down and say, "I cannot marry you. I feel like x, x, and x don't add up about our sex life. It bothers me more than it bother you . . .etc etc" 
I don't know how to approach this without making myself feel like a sex crazed lunatic - or having him make me feel that way. I really don't know what I am afraid of. 

But he wants to get married. He asked me, he gets pis$ed if I don't wear my ring, he gets upset because we have no date set yet. 

I think the obvious thing for me is that I am not enough for him. I'm old. I have an old body. He desires young things. Sure, he'll screw me. But it ain't enough. He MUST look at hot young things and get off. And that bothers me. A lot. 

To do it once in a while when I ain't willing or we are apart, or whatever - that's one thing. But an "I gotta have it can't live without it" thing is a deal breaker for me. 

And it makes me not wanna screw him. What's the point if he doesn't desire me? He won't initiate with me, but will go out of his way to initiate porn use? 

He's got a live body in front of him, oiled & ready, and whatever else, but like I said - no initiation. Not a second look.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

notmarriedyet said:


> I appreciate the observation/diagnosis, Dr. Obvious! I love obvious.
> 
> 
> He most definitely DOES want to get married. He has no reservations. It's I who has the reservations because of the sexual issues. Everything else is pretty much peachy keen.
> ...


Sister, you're not old by any stretch but you're not his peer; THAT is the real issue here. He still views himself as a teenager sexually, that's why he's checking out 18 year olds in porn. Not that other men don't check out teenagers, but in this case I bet that has a lot to do with it. They're closer to being his peers than you are, and you're not going to get younger. He probably does want to get married, and even loves you on some level, but he's going to get his sexual needs met elsewhere. It's no way for you to live.
I would think about ending this relationship; even if you discuss this issue any changes he makes will be surface changes only. You can't change the fact that he's not you're peer, at least mentally he's not. Take it from someone a few years older than you.....find a good guy your age or older. He will be more than happy to rip your clothes off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## notmarriedyet (Nov 10, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> Sister, you're not old by any stretch but you're not his peer; THAT is the real issue here. He still views himself as a teenager sexually, that's why he's checking out 18 year olds in porn. Not that other men don't check out teenagers, but in this case I bet that has a lot to do with it. They're closer to being his peers than you are, and you're not going to get younger. He probably does want to get married, and even loves you on some level, but he's going to get his sexual needs met elsewhere. It's no way for you to live.
> I would think about ending this relationship; even if you discuss this issue any changes he makes will be surface changes only. You can't change the fact that he's not you're peer, at least mentally he's not. Take it from someone a few years older than you.....find a good guy your age or older. He will be more than happy to rip your clothes off.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good God. 
I burst into tears reading this - but in a good way, sort of.
You said it. 
I desperately needed to hear this. 
It is the complete and total definition of what is going on here.
You hit the nail on the head. 
You told me what was missing, what I just wasn't getting. 
Wow.
thank you . . . millions.


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## notmarriedyet (Nov 10, 2012)

Especially if you agree FW! 

I'm going to present this theory (truth to me) to him tonight. He wants to have a talk. 

He's going to be defensive about it. 

He insists the 18 YO thing is a fantasy. Something you like to look at but wouldn't actually do. 

He compared it to my porn viewing choice of two men on one woman. Gets me hot, but I wouldn't do it. 

So this is the defense (not the word I'm really looking for) he will definitely use. 

He doesn't want to lose me. Like it was mentioned, the changes have only been on the surface!!!!!!!!

He feels the way he feels I believe, and says and does things to appease me.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Just leave the porn out of the discussion and stay focused on the fact that you know already that he cannot fully meet your emotional and sexual needs. You don't need to cite the porn as part of that, because some guys could watch porn all day and still ravage their woman 3 times a day. "Who he is" is who he is and you already know it. You don't have to "convince" him that he isn't right for you, it doesn't actually matter if he tries to say otherwise or argue it. He is who he is. I know break ups are hard...but they are not as hard as divorces.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I agree with FW. If you marry this guy your life will be spent wondering what the h!ll is wrong with you and whether you're enough for him, and it will only get worse as the years go by. Do not let him BS you, nothing he can say is going to change who he is. Please walk away from this right now. Is it possible he'll grow up and become somebody that wants you and satisfies you? Of course, but you're risking your prime years for it and it may never happen. .Do what fw says and leave the porn out of the discussion; it will only divert attention from the real issue. There is nothing, and I mean NOTHING, like a partner that really wants you, and you deserve to have that. My 19 years older husband, who is good for a few times a week (good for me) told me yesterday as he was rubbing various parts of my body, that he wished he was 20 years younger so he could f$ck me daily.....that would be a little much for me but to hear that is still amazing! I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I know it's much easier for me being on the outside looking in to say but I think you keep it simple. You tell him you find his actions towards you make you feel he's not as into you as you wish your future husband to be. You're doing both him and you a favour by freeing each other to find the 'right' person. 

Sorry it didn't work out. Please don't think of yourself as old. I'm with a woman much older than myself. With us however we were both in the same place in life when we met...divorced with kids. We could related to one another's life experiences. You and your fiance are in very different places. It would be that much more difficult for you to make it work.


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