# Wife is cheating



## OK Quack (Jun 28, 2018)

Hi, this is my story, as I posted on imgur some days ago. In the comments someone linked this forum and, after some days of lurking, I decided to share it here.

Please note that I don't live in the usa, so some legal advices may not apply in my country.

Sorry for the sad story: be free to downvote and/or swipe to a funny one. Also, English is not my language, so forgive the errors.

Married since 10 years, with a son of 3. It was never so easy, but I always tought the perfect marriage is a myth. 

Since the beginning she gradually made me apart from friends: not explicitly, but (due to illness and depression) we simply stopped to go out and hang out with people. I'm not able to maintain relationships over messages and social networks (I'm an old fashioned "let's meet at the pub" guy) so I lost contact with everyone.

Over the years I endured every hysterical crisis of her. Sex was always more rare, I never tried to force her when she was not in the mood.

I'm not a perfect person: I'm often depressed and frustrated from job dissatisfaction, but I tried my best to support her without sacrificing (too much) my personality.

When things seemed to go well we had a child, and he is the best thing that happened in my life: but the marriage started to get worse, she also had a big fight with my parents (that almost made me to cut off from them).

Now she is everyday more absent, and she passes most of the time on the smartphone. I take care of our child, often my parents babysit him since I work in another town and come home late in the evening: she is always more late at work.

I started to suspect something from her behaviour, making some connections... or am I just paranoid? Tonight, pretending to sleep, I oversaw her texting with a former college friend: I was able to read some words, and the kiss-with-heart emoticon at the end.

I feel devastated, I don't know what to do, I have nobody to talk with (except my parents, but I don't want to hurt them), I cannot sleep so I'm here, whining and telling my story to perfect strangers over the net.

EDIT while she's sleeping I picked up her phone: she deleted the conversation with that guy. Definitely not a good sign.


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## OK Quack (Jun 28, 2018)

All that happened last monday. In the next few days I talked with my parents (obviously breaking their heart, but they were very supportive) and I started an exit strategy: I scheduled an appointment with a lawyer (sadly I have to wait till next week), I opened a personal bank account (we currently have a shared one) and started to list al my properties.

The worst part is play the fool an pretend to know nothing: I won't confront her before talking to the lawyer. All I care about is my child.


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## OK Quack (Jun 28, 2018)

Tomorrow (friday) I'll go to a concert that I really want to see, I asked her time ago to come with me but she declined: she said instead she wanted to see some female friends from the college and I had no problem with that, because I trusted her. Now I know (but she doesn't know that I know), and this evening I proposed to give up to the concert to stay home and try to make our marriage work: she obviously said some bull**** like "you really wanted to go to the concert, I appreciate your kindness but I'm happy if you go" etc.

This was obviously not a surprise for me. I decided to go to the concert, at least I can try to have a good time and forget my problems for a night: if I stay home the situation won't change, as she can always see the guy another day.

Before go to sleep she said "I'll really miss you tomorrow. When you wake up [before work] hugh me tight. I'll try to come home early so we can cuddle a little before you leave for the concert. I really want to make the things work.I love you". I said "mee too" and kissed her, but all I wanted to do was to throw up.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

You have your priorities in order.

With her coming home latter and latter from work, meeting the other man she is messaging is possible.

If you could prove she is going out with another man would it make any legal difference in you country?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

For you, it is a 'scaled' thing.

Her bad qualities and actions outweigh her good.

When it comes time to divorce, her good qualities are light weight, the bad, rather heavy.

Hence, she will quickly and rather painlessly slide off your plate, into the dustbin of the past.

Let her go.
Her burden is onerous.

She is not a comforting person to you.

She did you a favor. She did.
She does not know it yet.

Just let her go, without fanfare, without emotion.

Once divorced, take your time finding a replacement.
Find out why you are depressed.

Depression is a love killer.
To yourself, to others that interact with you.
Get this depression under control, under the radar, invisible.



The Martian-


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## OK Quack (Jun 28, 2018)

I then pretended to sleep and she started chatting on whatsapp, I glimpsed the usual kiss emoticon with the guy (also from him). Then she wrote to female coworker: "Tomorrow [the guy] will bring me to [the place], and Sunday [a customer] will bring me to [I couldn't read]".

This was a surprise: when I suspect she cheated, the customer was a suspect but when I saw the messages with the other guy I thought I was wrong.

Now I know the time and the place: I'll try to contact a P.I. to collect evidences, hoping it's not too expensive.

My marriage is over, I only wait to talk with the lawyer in advance, because all I care about now is my son.


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## OK Quack (Jun 28, 2018)

TDSC60 said:


> If you could prove she is going out with another man would it make any legal difference in you country?


I don't know, I've now talked to the lawyer yet, but I know exactly where she will go tomorrow so I have the opportunity to prove it. I could pretend to go to the concert and go there instead, but even if I'm wrecked I can see it's a very bad idea


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You need evidence, follow her or have a PI do it. Then take to the lawyer, it may be useful in negotiating for more time with you kid. I know you heart is broken, but all bets are off. Go scorched earth on her.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Can you rent a car or barrow a buddies car to follow her? Or better yet, get a buddy to do it for you. They could snap some photos of them together. It could be crucial for you to have evidence of their affair for your divorce. Keep doing what you are doing in terms of pretending nothing is wrong. You need evidence though before you say anything at all to her. Get a voice activated recorder or 3 and set them up in strategic places throughout your home. 

Once you have what you need, never reveal your sources. Stay strong man. Sorry you are here


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## OK Quack (Jun 28, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> She did you a favor. She did.
> She does not know it yet.


You bet she did it! Without the cheating I would never be able to break up with her, trying to save the marriage at all costs.



SunCMars said:


> Find out why you are depressed.
> 
> Depression is a love killer.
> To yourself, to others that interact with you.
> ...


I know the reasons I'm depressed: I consulted a psychologist, we jocked about the fact I'm rational enough to analyze myself stealing her job.

The problem is my marriage is (was?) so toxic I wasn't able to do something in concrete to overcome my issue.

For example, I was very disappointed from my job, the only opportunities are in another town: she argued I shouldn't commute because we have a child and she cannot take care of him all alone (now I commute everyday and I take care of him even if I'm tired).

I really feel bad for the lack of friends: she says "no problem, let's go out" but when it comes the time "I'm tired, let's stay home"


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## OK Quack (Jun 28, 2018)

Morning cuddling was very awkward: as we hugged she starts saying something like "I don't wanna lose you", "I hope after this weekend we are relaxed enough to start over", and -most strangely- "I thought that if I find that at the concert you met another woman I would be very upset, so it means I still care and I wanna make things work"... very strange from a woman that scheduled to have two affairs in the weekend.

A part of me is thinking that maybe is all staged to trigger a reaction in me: it's all fake, she let me glimpse the messages on purpose, I only have to say that I'm really upset to prove I care, and then she will say "it's all staged, I love you". Please, help me don't believe in that (Santa and unicorns are more realistic).
Maybe she feels guilty... or maybe she only wants to have a last wild weekend (but it doesn't explain the heart emoticons).

The point is: I don't care anymore. I talked to a P.I. (we met this afternoon to define the details) in order to try to collect some evidences (I don't wanna miss this opportunity).

Sorry for bother you with all those detail. The true reason I'm writing here is to have a log of all that happens: sometimes I hope it's all a bad dream, and re-reading my posts brings me back to reality


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

I’m very sorry that you are in this situation. But you are doing great 

I hope today goes well

Good luck


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Your wife just wants the attention from other men while you are home with your child. Has she had other times when she could meet him while you stayed at home? 

Is the PI going to be there?


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## OK Quack (Jun 28, 2018)

I hired a PI, tonight he will be there. Sadly, due to lack of time and bureaucracy, we are late to fill all legal forms: each evidence he will find this evening could be rejected in a court. But he will able to tell me if there is enough evidence to start a proper (and more expensive) investigation that could be legally used. (Note: this is because of laws in our country, in the usa or elsewhere the rules may be different).

The worst part: the PI told me it will take some times to collect all evidences, and a single night could not be sufficient to collect proofs (they could simply talk and then enter his house, in this case no actual proof could be collected). This could be expensive... and, worst thing at all, I may have to wait some months to have another good chance. Months that I have to pass together with that b*tch, playing the fool and pretending to love her.
I hope my heart could bring all this pain... I want to escape as soon as possible.



Chaparral said:


> Your wife just wants the attention from other men while you are home with your child. Has she had other times when she could meet him while you stayed at home?


Well, every moment could be the right one: when she's late from work, when she goes to grocery store... I don't trust her anymore.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

OK Quack said:


> The worst part: the PI told me it will take some times to collect all evidences, and a single night could not be sufficient to collect proofs (they could simply talk and then enter his house, in this case no actual proof could be collected). This could be expensive


That's bullshyte. The PI's just trying to con you in to spending a small fortune. Tell him to get you the evidence from her trip and *you* will decide whether it's enough. Unless your attorney tells you otherwise, just proof of her lying about her whereabouts and going in another man's house overnight (or for hours) is all you need.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Are you collecting proof for legal reason or because you personally want to know? In your country, do you need the proof in order to divorce? In the US, you can typically divorce anytime you want. 

You sound very kind in your posts, and unfortunately, that is very detrimental in these situations. You need to be a total hard ass and demand changes in her. She will turn on the sweetness, and if you soften, you're done. She will not see that as loving. Rather, she will lose admiration for you and see you as weak. You need to see yourself as a Sargent giving orders to her. 

Why are you still going to the concert? Why not use that time to do your own PI work? It may be useful to pretend to go to other concerts in the future and see what happens.


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## OK Quack (Jun 28, 2018)

badmemory said:


> That's bullshyte. The PI's just trying to con you in to spending a small fortune. Tell him to get you the evidence from her trip and *you* will decide whether it's enough. Unless your attorney tells you otherwise, just proof of her lying about her whereabouts and going in another man's house overnight (or for hours) is all you need.


That's why I want to see a lawyer first. When I found the destination it was late at night, this morning I rushed to find a PI near my job place and available for tonight. I surely need a second opinion possibly by athe lawyer)


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## OK Quack (Jun 28, 2018)

Wilson, as far as I know I can get the divorce anyways, but proofs of cheating may help with alimony and child custody.
But I'm not a lawyer.

I planned to return earlyer, sleeping at my parent's house, in order to plan something for the other guy (the customer she plan to see next Sunday).


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## OK Quack (Jun 28, 2018)

Also, I decided to play the fool and the weak: I don't care about her admiration, I don't want her anymore, I prefer let her think I'm an idiot and let her become overconfident so I can better make my moves (at least, where I searched for a PI, I turned the phone in another direction even if she was sleeping: if she did the same I would never have known the truth).


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## OK Quack (Jun 28, 2018)

Again, a part of me still doubt she did it on purpose to let me stop her, and what she said this morning ("If I knew that at the concert you will find another woman I will be very upset and this mean I still care") was a desperate cry for help... but honestly it's too sick to bear.


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## A_Common_Man (Jun 21, 2018)

May fortune smile upon you in getting all the evidence you need. From what you have stated in your posts it definitely sounds like she is in an adulterous cheating relationship. I hope things work out for you in your favor. This is bad enough with the heartbreak of finding out your wife's adultery but you may also want to get tested for sexual transmitted diseases. I would not have sex with her anymore knowing what you know.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

She is NOT giving you a "cry for help"....

She is in an AFFAIR. She is a CHEATER. And she is neglecting her duties as a new MOTHER! That is grounds enough to end this charade. You are still a man, and a father. Be a good one! Go use your cell phone or a video camera and video her with the other man. Period. I am soooo sorry you are going through this. But guess what, you have good support here on TAM. 

1. Look up the 180. You need to start doing this to protect yourself and get your head back into the game.

2. Get her OFF of your finances. You are walking along in the mud trying to provide for your family. Separate but don't cut off until you talk to an attorney. Just don't let her walk away with your hard work and gains....

3. Record the evidence you need and get proof off of her phone NOW! Give it to your lawyer. Know your rights and get a game plan in action. 

You are young enough to start over with a loving partner who cherishes you and will be the "true owner of your heart". Do things for yourself. There is nothing wrong with some "self-love." Go to the pub. Call those friends you've been neglecting. Watch a sports venue. You are going to be OK. But you can't wallow in self-pity and regret. Gird up your loins and strap on your shield. This is going to be a low point of your life, but you will come out of it OK. 

Best of luck.


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## OK Quack (Jun 28, 2018)

No news for now. Big kisses an hughs and "I love, I'll miss you" before we lef. I said I was tired for the lack of sleep, she said she was too but the excitement for the evening kept her awake (b*tch, she was always to tired to go out when I proposed to). Some other lame messages of that sort.
Later I called my parents to talk with my son, they said she called asking them to babysit him next day too but they declined.

No luck with the PI: she didn't show up at the club. I texted her, asking how's the evening with the 'girls', she sent me a picture of a well known and crowded square of that town where there are many clubs (strangely no group picture of the 'girls'). The PI is there but there's too many people to find them (if they are there: it could be a picture from google)


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

OK Quack said:


> The PI is there but there's too many people to find them (if they are there: it could be a picture from google)


Do a google reverse image search on the photo, if she pulled it from the internet, you'll find it.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Does she not have a GPS locator on the phone so you can see where she is?


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## OK Quack (Jun 28, 2018)

BarbedFenceRider said:


> She is NOT giving you a "cry for help"....
> 
> She is in an AFFAIR. She is a CHEATER. And she is neglecting her duties as a new MOTHER!


That's the point. The fact she asked MY PARENTS to babysit tomorrow TO CHEAT AGAIN... I can't believe I married this woman...

Earlyer I called one the former pub friends I knew ran trough a divorce to ask for advices. He was very supportive and said "Let's talk in front of a beer.. even now!" (He didn't know I was going to the concert). I'm not lost, I can recover my life. Can't wait to talk to the lawyer and start what is needed to un**** myself.


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## OK Quack (Jun 28, 2018)

I tried the image search but with no luck. She could actually be in that place.

No gps locator on the phone


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Do you know any of the girls she supposedly went with last night?

If so, call and ask if she got any photos of your wife last night. Tell the girlfriend that you are making a photo album for the wife of all that she did this year, and plan on giving the album for her birthday

Continue to be strong.


When do you talk to the lawyer again?


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Can you post the photo here? Maybe we can help


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

OK Quack said:


> Again, a part of me still doubt she did it on purpose to let me stop her, and what she said this morning ("If I knew that at the concert you will find another woman I will be very upset and this mean I still care") was a desperate cry for help... but honestly it's too sick to bear.


 This is projection and transference of her cheating activity on to you. It's no cry for help, it's a common red flag of cheaters.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

OK Quack said:


> Morning cuddling was very awkward: as we hugged she starts saying something like "I don't wanna lose you", "I hope after this weekend we are relaxed enough to start over", and -most strangely- "I thought that if I find that at the concert you met another woman I would be very upset, so it means I still care and I wanna make things work"... very strange from a woman that scheduled to have two affairs in the weekend.
> 
> A part of me is thinking that maybe is all staged to trigger a reaction in me: it's all fake, she let me glimpse the messages on purpose, I only have to say that I'm really upset to prove I care, and then she will say "it's all staged, I love you". Please, help me don't believe in that (Santa and unicorns are more realistic).
> Maybe she feels guilty... or maybe she only wants to have a last wild weekend (but it doesn't explain the heart emoticons).
> ...


She could be projecting in her statements you mention above, cheaters do that.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Rubix Cubed said:


> This is projection and transference of her cheating activity on to you. It's no cry for help, it's a common red flag of cheaters.


Aye, Matey!

And more.
Having no more', she having no morals.

She is possessed, knows she is doing wrong.

And yet she revels in this. 
Looks forward to her romp, her roll(s) in the hay.

This, done in her manic state.
Oh yes, this.

She is punishing you by rewarding herself.

Debasing herself, this, her way of punishing you.

This all done consciously, encouraged by 'others'.
Done consciously, led off the cliff by the bad sister in her head.

She is not yours'.
She is not herself.

Under the spell of forces unseen.
Forces felt.
Forces witnessed. 

The aftermath, soon to be noted.

Her typing her beau while in bed with you is a direct affront.
To her, an added thrill.

Tis' a slap never felt.......or so she thinks.

You are the target of Love, Hate.
She hates you so much, it cannot be repressed.

The little love that she has for you prevents her from sticking a knife in your gut.
Ugh!

She does not love herself, either. She cannot love what is not hers.
That which is hers, is not in her control.


She is getting back at you, a worst way not imagined.

Cooing at you, hugging you, and dreaming of betraying you by means of another man's phallus.

She is lost...
Lost to you.
Lost to the World.





SunCMars-


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

Who are the girls that she is supposedly with?


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## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

wilson said:


> Are you collecting proof for legal reason or because you personally want to know? In your country, do you need the proof in order to divorce? In the US, you can typically divorce anytime you want.
> 
> You sound very kind in your posts, and unfortunately, that is very detrimental in these situations. You need to be a total hard ass and demand changes in her. She will turn on the sweetness, and if you soften, you're done. She will not see that as loving. Rather, she will lose admiration for you and see you as weak. You need to see yourself as a Sargent giving orders to her.
> 
> Why are you still going to the concert? Why not use that time to do your own PI work? It may be useful to pretend to go to other concerts in the future and see what happens.


Nobody should ever have to force anyone to be "faithful" and he already sounds like he's made his mind up about divorcing.


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## OK Quack (Jun 28, 2018)

No big update yet, except my mother told me she asked again to babysit the son this night (I'm supposed to return tomorrow morning so she's free to cheat again). 
My mother had birthday some days ago (worst birthday present ever...) and tonight they'll go to dinner with my aunt: wife asked to join (hell, she's not be able to stay a whole day wi her son!), I think she will ask again to babysit him or even worse she will made the child ask it.

She feels powerful and invincible: the messages in bed, using my parents to cheat, how she bragged with the female friend about the two appointments in the weekend... she thinks we are a bunch of fools and she can manipulate us.

I already know she deletes the chat with OM, but as soon as I can I try to get the chat with the female friend (I practiced the art of quickly export whatsapp chats on android and delete the sent email): I suspect I won't find "I'm really in love with OM, I feel guilty for my poor husband", I'll more likely find "I have an affair and that ******* suspects nothing"


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

When do you talk to the lawyer about starting the process of ending this?

And what country are you in?

I’m so sorry you are in this disaster. But I promise you will get to a much, MUCH better place


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

OK Quack said:


> No big update yet, except my mother told me she asked again to babysit the son this night (I'm supposed to return tomorrow morning so she's free to cheat again).
> My mother had birthday some days ago (worst birthday present ever...) and tonight they'll go to dinner with my aunt: wife asked to join (hell, she's not be able to stay a whole day wi her son!), I think she will ask again to babysit him or even worse she will made the child ask it.
> 
> She feels powerful and invincible: the messages in bed, using my parents to cheat, how she bragged with the female friend about the two appointments in the weekend... she thinks we are a bunch of fools and she can manipulate us.
> ...


Wow, what gall, what chutzpah.

I actually hope you are wrong in your' assumption. I hate to think that someone can be 'this' underhanded.

It is one thing.....to be a cheater and to treat your SO badly or indifferently.

Her? She is sidling up to you, being warm and sweet.....and then cheating on you.
To her it is a game. A most underhanded one, a vile one.

Do not confront until you have ironclad proof. 
Otherwise, she will deny and obfuscate. She will gaslight you, tell you that you are crazy.

Be patient, it will pay off. 

Do not take risks on her noting that you are 'on' to her ploy, her game.
Catch her off guard.

Pretend you are a mushroom. You being totally in the dark.
Play the 'got-ya game' at your end.




TM-


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

One sad fact of life is that nobody can stop another person cheating. Each of us can only stop themselves cheating. Cheating is a product of disrespect. 
Your wife can only stop if she decides to stop. Me personally, if my husband cheats I could not forgive him or stay with him. I am with him on condition we remain exclusive and focused on our little family. Cheating to me is a sign that we are no longer together.


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## OK Quack (Jun 28, 2018)

Last night I returned earlier from the concert, to sleep by my parents and talk with them freely.

This morning she planned to go with the customer to a plane trip: he is an amateur ultralight pilot and she told us he promised her a flight. I'm not sure she's having an affair with him too (but I'm really suspicious).

At the time I was supposed to start the journey home I called her, she told me to call my parents and talk with my son because he was very upset we cannot talk yesterday evening (I pretended to have the phone with 0% battery, that would be true if I still was there), I told her I will go to my parents to stay with my son (in order to justify my presence there).

Later in the morning she texted that she will not be home for lunch, I told her me and my son will have lunch with my parents and will come home with her later.

Around noon she texted she was at the mall, buying groceries and she would eat a slice of pizza and do some chores. I phoned her telling she could come by my parents and have lunch together, she accepted but was very upset.

During lunch she talked about the flight and showed photos, then she passed the rest of the lunch texting while my father and I played with the child.

I noticed she was dressed a little too fancy for an ultralight flight trip, she had no wedding ring an when we came home I noticed she had a too nice underwear (lingerie is the proper term). At least, she really buyed groceries.

She said we have to talk, now we're waiting the child to sleep.

Wish me luck.


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

OK Quack said:


> phoned her telling she could come by my parents and have lunch together, she accepted *but was very upset.*
> 
> -- you cut her tryst short. She was flying only in the guys bed, not his airplane.
> 
> ...


---------------
Good luck.

But your marriage... stick a fork in it. Sorry, sir.


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## OK Quack (Jun 28, 2018)

Child sleeping... and wife too. I took her phone: as usual she deleted the chat with OM and female friends. I was able to get a couple of new messages with best female friend and the entire chat with the customer: sadly it was full of media (whatsapp vocals) that wasn't exported. The only texts I could read were about work and plane, she maybe not have an affair with him but she's totally flirting with him.

The best female friend asked if she had lunch with him: she told "As I imagined ..... He already had the steak .... But with me he has family difficulties". I don't know if they talked about a real steak or it means something in their friend lingo (keep in mind this is an English translation). The former messages were deleted, and those are the messages I would have read.

So basically: 
- last Friday night she went to a nearby town with "female friends" (a former college friends whose whatsapp chats are full of kiss-and-heart emoticons before deletion)
- on Saturday her plans were canceled because my parents refused to babysit again
- this morning (Sunday) she went to a flight trip with a customer with whom he is flirting via whatsapp, and she was upset because she was not able to have lunch with him (because of my mom's invitation or because he declined - or both)

Sadly I don't have proofs, so in a confrontation she can deny all of them. Next Tuesday I'll finally see the lawyer and maybe I will know when I can end this misery. I have to keep calm and focused, probably later we'll have "a talk". If she don't speak about affairs I have to resist the temptation to talk about it even if I will be probably very angry and upset.


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## OK Quack (Jun 28, 2018)

Thank you all for the support and the advice.
Just to be clear: 
- I don't need proof of hear cheating for myself: I already know she's cheating with a guy (the former college friends) and flirting with another (the customer). For example, I was not surprised for her lingerie and lack of wedding ring.
- I don't want to recover the marriage: I want to move on in order to start a new life as soon as possible.

My concerns are only about my son (he's very sensitive, this morning he said "dad has a strange voice"... he understand there is something wrong), I want to be sure he will suffer as little as possible. My parents and I are very concerned about the fact he could be in custody of such a mother.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

OK Quack said:


> *She said we have to talk,* now we're waiting the child to sleep.
> 
> Wish me luck.


What did she say??????????


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## OK Quack (Jun 28, 2018)

Another detail I want to write down (as I said, I use this forum basically as a personal log because after reading my thoughts I can see things more clearly. Also, I can get advice and confirmation).

As a said she is lately in a "hoe" phase of her life: her Facebook and Instagram accounts are a living proof of that, with her pictures with new dresses, jewels, and all you can expect from a suburban teenager trying to appear cool (except she's a mother of almost 40).

Friday in the afternoon they have a small party in her office because of the last day of her best female friend (she will move in another office): her FB and Instagram were plenty of photos of her and bff and collegues laughing and celebrating, also she was tagged in some pictures from other people.

Friday night a picture of the night life square of the town she went with supposed "female friends" with obviously no picture of them (and hastags like #ilove[town_name] #[town_name]monamour and so on). This is the picture she sent me.

Saturday she spent the afternoon with son (hallelujah!) and a female coworker with her son: again, plenty of pictures of them and the kids.

Again, I personally don't need more evidences of her cheating.


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## OK Quack (Jun 28, 2018)

TDSC60 said:


> What did she say??????????


She's still asleep


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Is the only thing you for sure know is that she used that emoticon a few times? I use that emoticon but I've never meant it in a flirty way. I use it with my female friends all the time too.


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## OK Quack (Jun 28, 2018)

Spicy said:


> Is the only thing you for sure know is that she used that emoticon a few times? I use that emoticon but I've never meant it in a flirty way. I use it with my female friends all the time too.


She used them with me (not anymore). 
She chats with him late at nhigt (and she deletes all afterwards).
She told her bff "[guy name] will bring me to [place se was supposed to go with female friends].

There's no innocence here


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

I'm sorry you and your son are in this situation. Her choices are not your fault.

It sounds like she's cheating (and she's out of control)....emotional or physical or both (it does not matter either is an appropriate reason to divorce her).
She's neither a good mother or wife. It sounds like her life choices/boyfriends are not a recent development and are destroying you (and 'you' tolerating her disrespectful & selfish behavior is also not a good role model for your son). 

When she is served with the divorce notice she may cry, beg, crawl, promise anything for another chance (cheaters often do). They think because you didn't actually catch them having sex that she's safe from 'consequences'. There may still be a part of you that 'wants' to believe her. To protect yourself from the drama, make a firm decision about a second chance (yes or no) in advance of all the drama.

You're not alone....check in anytime with whatever is on your mind.


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## OK Quack (Jun 28, 2018)

Robert22205 said:


> It sounds like she's cheating (and she's out of control)....emotional or physical or both (it does not matter either is an appropriate reason to divorce her).


That's a good point, emotional or physical... I don't care if she didn't have sex with the plane guy, the facts she put on lingerie is enough.

The other guy... I don't care if they had sex, just kissed or whatever...

It's too late. No second chance for her.


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## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

You need more evidence.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Can you get the lingerie and get a semen test kit?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

OK Quack said:


> She used them with me (not anymore).
> She chats with him late at nhigt (and she deletes all afterwards).
> She told her bff "[guy name] will bring me to [place se was supposed to go with female friends].
> 
> There's no innocence here


Ultimately it's irrelevant at this point, you obviously are done with her and want a divorce.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Filing for divorce is for your own peace of mind (that there's a way out of the pain).

Adulterers would like you to believe that they have to be actually caught in the act before you will justify divorce in your own head. Not true. In view of her behavior (deceit, disrespect, selfishness) the burden of proof is on her. In terms of fairness (assuming she deserves any) once you serve her with divorce she has plenty of time to show her innocence before the divorce is final.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

At forty she is very sporty.

She is more interested in being 'out and about' and having fun than being a wife and mother.

She is hanging onto her marriage as a convenience.

I really do not think she is interested in finding a new life partner.
Presently, she is interested in partnering up with the wild side of life.

She has a home, a bed, a car, clothes, a husband to feed her and in laws to take care of her kid. 

That is all she needs.

The rest is icing on the cake.

The flirting, the bedding down a man or two a month is what keeps her happy.

She will keep this up until her man magnet keeps getting soft, sour pickles. No more crisp ones.
Then she will settle down.

.................................................................................................................

From my perspective, this is becoming very prevalent in our society.

The Host told me some surprising tales on this phenomenon becoming common in the Western World.
He said he avoids going to his Marina on the weekend. The mature boat owning ladies are aggressive and very forward. They care not if the men are 'ring' bearers.

It seems:
Mature women are morphing into hungry hunters of good times, good men.
A sign of the times.



Lilith-


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## OK Quack (Jun 28, 2018)

THE TALK - PART I

She started.

She said last weekend she felt free (she didn't talk about cheating, she meant "go out with friends"). She realized she didn't miss me and she is really really sorry because I'm really the man of her life and she can't think herself with anyone else, but she felt suffocating in the last years.

She told we should separate but swore there is no other (I have not mention my evidences yet).

She was surprised by my reaction: I seemed strangely calm and unimpressed: our son was there, I don't wanna fight in front of him.

We agreed to separate and discuss later, when he sleeps. The rest of the evening was awkward, she cried and said I was the man of her life. She said she may have flirted but she swore there isn't another man.

She asked me when I ended to believe in us: I said I'll talk about it later, when the kid is asleep.

She asked me if I really think there is another man: I said yes, she said no, I said "I know with you are been Friday", she said "I was with friends... actually only [female best friend]", I said "let's talk about later".

Now we're waiting for part II. I'm worried because I haven't talked with a lawyer yet and I don't have proofs: I'll tell her all I know but she'll probably deny all. 

There's no point in collecting proofs if we separate, since it's not considered cheating after separation.

I'll try to stay calm in order to have a consensus about child custody. At least I can tell her that I know, even if she deny she knows what she did.

I noticed that my coldness hurt her: probably she expected a desperate reaction from me. Actually I spent the last days crying but she doesn't know, so I can play cool.


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## OK Quack (Jun 28, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> At forty she is very sporty.
> 
> She is more interested in being 'out and about' and having fun than being a wife and mother.
> 
> ...


That's exactly the point. She wants to be wild now but I know her: this phase will pass and she will find herself lonely. At that point she will probably try to come back but it's too late


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

OK Quack said:


> THE TALK - PART I
> 
> She started.
> 
> ...


Separation is for her to try out her other man or men with you out of the way. All this does is put you in limbo. Go straight for divorce.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Be calm, be strong

Just let her talk. First thing Tomorrow, get down to the bank as soon as it opens and move 50% to a new account in your name only

You are doing great


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

I agree with Marc 100% about no separation. Straight to divorce. But say it TOMORROW after you protect your finances

What country are you in?


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Don’t get into debate about her cheating, and tell her you won’t debate it.

As soon as part 2 starts your first question should be when does she plan on moving out

Then discuss custody

Keep it STRICTLY on the logistics of separation. It will keep her off balance

Don’t play pick me game!!!


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

If she tries to talk about why you aren’t fighting for the marriage or tries to get sentimental , bring the topic back to the business of the separation. Keep discussion cold and business like


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## OK Quack (Jun 28, 2018)

Still waiting for round II.

About separation vs divorce: in my country (Italy) you can't obtain divorce directly, you must legally pass through separation first. After a period (I think one year) separation can be converted to divorce.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

I suggest you postpone part 2 until tomorrow, after you move money to safe accounts


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

You don’t move out, SHE DOES!!!


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## Dutchman1 (Mar 30, 2018)

Hey, OK Quack.

I do think that you are doing the right thing.
No one schould live like this. Your wife going on a trip to do para sailing in Lingery???
That is NUTS. 
Next she will tell you that they were together, him playing the accordeon an both singing kumba ya. :banghead:
She probably hassn't been higher than sitting cowgirl.

You can PM me, Been there, got the Tshirt,
She will deny, etc, There are poly centra in Italy you know.
I am gnna be in Italy at the end of July. 
I'm in the north. I will buy you a Sambuca or Limoncello .
Be brave, You can only save your marriage if you are willing to lose it.

Do not let your Italian Ego rule your life.

[polygraphliedetectortest.com/italy/]Polygraph Lie detector test Italy, Truth Analysis Italy, Lie Detection Test Italy. | Polygraph Lie Detector Test

To do or not, there is no try.

Dutchman1


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Tell her tomorrow that there will be no separation without divorce

Tell her that there will be zero chance for reconciliation



Can the year separation requirement be waived if there is infidelity? Tell her that if she admits to it, the divorce can go quicker and you both can have that much more time to start your new lives


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

Marc878 said:


> Separation is for her to try out her other man or men with you out of the way. All this does is put you in limbo. Go straight for divorce.


EXACTLY...She is trying to blame shift the situation and give her morality a boost. But you know better. Don't separate. Divorce. Then throw it back on her that you want a partner that DOES miss you when gone, and eagerly awaits to be together at haste! She is trash. And by lying about caring for the little one, she needs to be the one to visit. Not the other way around. 

Take care of your kid, take care of yourself. Work out, eat healthy solid meals and do busy work. maybe help the parents out around the house? Anything to get out of that toxic atmosphere and start NC. You can start practice on being single and limit the pain shopping she wants you take....


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Tell her under no uncertain terms that separation will equal divorce with no coming back, and that her admission is not needed for you to know she is being a lousy wife. 

In fact, I would tell her that you are starting the process whether she wants to or not.

Oh, and next time she blathers on with "You are the only man for me" nonsense, simply respond with this:

"I can't hear your words when you actions speak so loud."

Then follow that up with:

"Discussions about our marriage are over until you can admit what you have done. Until then, our only discussions will be about separation, divorce, and custody."

That is how you draw your line in the sand.

Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Of course she is having fun. She is ignoring all the responsibilities of a wife and a mother. She is happy with the single, free woman life style.

Consult an attorney. Like now!


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Contact an attorney sooner rather than later and make sure you are protected. It sounds like you do most of the caregiving while she flaunts around town, so try to get as much custody as possible too.

BTW, I am a very friendly person, and I would NEVER send the kissy emoticon to any man other than my husband.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

IMO why bother with anything just proceed with D. You know what's up. It's not your job to fix her.


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