# Getting angry at wife a lot



## 5cott

I'm creating this thread because I've been getting angry at my wife a lot. I'll yell at her. So far she's put up with it, but it scares me, and I don't like being this way.

I'm 51 and we've been married 12 years.

I thought I was getting better, not getting angry so often, but I've gotten very angry several times just in the past few days.

For example: We're planning on taking a long drive in our car tomorrow to visit one of her nieces. We own three vehicles, so the question is, which vehicle to take? She asked the question, and I started feeling angry, because we've had the discussion several times, and the answer is obvious, to take the vehicle which gets 38 miles to the gallon, not the one which gets 25 miles to the gallon or the one which gets 18 miles to the gallon. Then she said it's not so obvious, because maybe we should take a larger car, so we can drive her neice and her husband around in a more comfy car. I started getting madder, saying, why should we drive 70 miles to her niece's house in the larger car so they'll be comfy for a 3 mile drive to a restaurant? The smaller car has four seats; it's not a real tiny car; besides, they probably want to show off their new truck!

I get so tired of these stupid confrontations, day after day!

I've tried reading books about managing anger, and going to an anger support group, trying to be more spiritual, etc., etc. and nothing helps.


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## Syrum

Yep you sure do have a problem.

Only you can control your behaviour. 

Who cares if your wife asks which car you are taking a few times. I forget stuff like that easily, and I sure don't deserve to be yelled at.

You need to think about how you treat other people and strangers, do you lose it with them too? probably not right? Do strangers deserve to be treated better then your own wife, who you are supposed to love and cherish and protect?

Get some counseling. What you are doing is abuse.


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## magnoliagal

I used to have an anger problem. The only thing that helped me was individual counseling. And I agree with Syrum it's abuse.


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## Sanity

Get some anger management help or end up divorced. I have intimate knowledge of living with an angry spouse. Eventually you lose the love for them and leave. Love your wife and relax.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog

I can appreciate the irritation of having to go over the same ground over and over and over and over and over. That learned helplessness thing can get pretty infuriating. My own wife decides when and if she 'suddenly' forgets how to get somewhere local that she's been to a million times. Like the car dealer or Whole Foods. All of a sudden after 11 years, she's all "I got lost, I don't know where to go, you have to pay attention and tell me where to turn.....". Or "I don't know how to put paper in the printer" Or "I don't know what 'reboot' is". But what really tweaks me is her insane tendency to unwrap presents. It could take a half hour, while she sits there slowly peeling the tape off and the slowly unwrapping the paper then admiring the paper and smoothing it out and so on...

It's mostly just a way to get a rise out of me so that she can play to oppressed victim martyr card...


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## 5cott

Thanks for all your helpful responses. -Scott


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## Six

Yelling is never acceptable, but being frustrated that someone isn't listening to you certainly can be. I doubt this is really about fuel efficiency. After all, if you do the math we're talking what... less than $10 in fuel?


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## MEM2020

I would state my preference and also add - if it is important to you I am ok either way - $7 to $14 in fuel just is not worth a fight.

On stuff that DOES matter a smile and a question "do you not recall our earlier conversation"?
Works well. But not in a nasty angry tone. 


UOTE=Six;370404]Yelling is never acceptable, but being frustrated that someone isn't listening to you certainly can be. I doubt this is really about fuel efficiency. After all, if you do the math we're talking what... less than $10 in fuel?[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mulkurnia

A positive thing about your experience is that you recognise something is wrong and that you are seeking a solution to your problem. It is also important to know how willing you are to learn to control your anger. 

Another solution is perhaps to try out some relaxation techniques such as meditation. Reading book on anger management is good. But I think by introducing the more active aspect such as meditation into your experience, you might find yourself in being able to handle your anger better.


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## alg1208

Ok...I'm writing my response as someone who understands both your side and your wifes. I have had a lot of issues with anger at the past and definitely used to yell at my wife the same way. I don't anymore...unfortunately now she seems to do the same.

I won't say I don't snap once in awhile. But when I say snap I just mean a bit of a rude tone. Not yelling. There is no reason to yell and get worked up over something as minor as which car to take. Yes its frustrating that she hasn't listened to you. But have you listened to her? Her point is valid. Maybe she's telling you that she would be more comfortable in a larger car on the long drive? It sounds to me like you're automatically ruling out her suggestion. She probably feels the same way. 

My wife pretty regularly asks me questions that we've been over and over. It's frustrating and I do get annoyed by it. But its something little and blowing up over it isn't going to solve anything. One thing that I've learned throughout years of trying to manage my anger is that there's no reason to get angry over something that you a) can't control or b) won't have any real negative effect in the long run.

To put it as bluntly as possible...don't be a jerk. Thats really what it comes down to. And its something those of us with anger issues generally don't think of. If someone acted that way toward you would you think they were a jerk? If it was someone you were dating would you consider breaking up with them for acting that way? Just because you're married doesn't mean there should be a difference in the way you act.


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## nathanmoyer

magnoliagal said:


> I used to have an anger problem. The only thing that helped me was individual counseling. And I agree with Syrum it's abuse.


I've noticed that most here are fairly dishonest and holier that thou about their marriages. Marriage partners yell, women and men. It is an insult and belittlement to those who suffer REAL abuse to lump it all in the same category. I think a more deescallating term would be relational disfunction, misunderstanding or misplaced passions. Truly abusive speech includes threats of direct harm, cursing and degrading language. I also think that it makes a difference if the other spouse keeps pestering the angered person. We are all human, we can all only take so much and we all will yell, every last one of us when faced with enough pressure. Solution: You and your spouse must hear and feel heard and that is likely only possible through a non biased counselled who gives equal air time and isn'T too timid to referee. When it is your turn to talk, make sure you articulate why you feel unheard and what you would like to see changed in he relationship to keep you from the very human emotion of anger. And in all arguments with your spouse, if things have turned to yelling you've reached the realm of futility, walk away!


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## Blondilocks

Those who are holier than thou are smart enough to know that this thread is six years old.


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## arbitrator

*Those are viable questions that she's asking! Why jump her bones about asking them?

An IC can absolutely do you a world of good. Schedule yourself an appointment and let the anger issues start to drain away.

It sure as hell beats the alternative of perhaps losing your precious wife!*


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

Have you tried to, or been able to, correlate the increase in your anger with any changes in your life? Are there any new stressors in your life (job pressures, money concerns, family issues, other sources of stress in the marriage)?

Given your age, she could be menopausal, which could be impacting you as well. It could account for her needing to cover the same ground multiple times. Have you seen a recent decrease in sexual activity?

Abuse is never an acceptable response and you must ensure you don't. However, it may help you prevent your anger from rising in the first place if you become cognizant (and understanding) of why your wife is behaving the way she is, and what's eating at you as well, which is undoubtedly more than just her repeating herself.


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## lifeistooshort

OP hasn't been back in 6 years. 

Thread closed.


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