# My husband cheated on me and than left me, I need support!



## GrandR (Nov 14, 2017)

I was with my husband for the past 3 years, married for the last year and a half. About a month and a half ago he left randomly one night. Me and his family couldn't understand why it was happening and he just kept saying "i can't do this". A month later I asked him if he had feelings for someone else and he said yes. He kissed his coworker the night before he left me. He kissed her again a week later. He did come back about a week ago and apologized and we had an amazing night together but than things went back to the same negative thing it was before. Right now he has moved all his stuff out, moved with his parents, and has said that he wants to get divorced (never said the actual word but implied it). I want to be with him so bad even after he cheated on me. I am so depressed that I haven't been eating, working on school work, or even to get out of bed. I need help so bad because I don't know how to deal with this. I have amazing friends and pastors but no family here. Can someone offer some insight and hope? I feel like I will never find anyone ever again, even though I am 22 years old.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

@GrandR I know it doesn't seem like it now, but he did you a favor by moving out. You've been married only a year and a half, and he's cheating on you? This guy is NOT marriage material, and you will be better off without him. 

I know it feels awful. And yes, you feel like you'll never find someone else. But you are young, and you have your whole life ahead of you! There are people here who were MUCH older than you when they divorced, and many of them have found love again. I'm sure that you will, too.

What are you doing right now to take care of yourself? I would strongly recommend seeing a therapist. If money is an issue, there are some places that will allow you to pay on a sliding scale, or you can do sessions with a pre-licensed therapist at a greatly reduced rate. (Pre-licensed means that they have had all their schooling, but they have to do an ungodly number of hours of pre-license sessions before they can get their license.) I recommend this because a) your friends, as supportive as they want to be, will eventually grow weary of listening to you talk about this, especially if they don't see you making progress (they likely don't understand what you're going through, either), and b) a therapist is trained to help you process and move through this traumatic experience, and will help you to heal and grow.

But I'm also talking about self-care. You will have to MAKE yourself get out of bed, shower, eat well, and get out of the house and do things. No matter how badly you want to stay in bed and lick your wounds, sticking to a normal routine is one of the best things you can do to help yourself move forward from this. While you are doing your everyday studd, your subconscious will be working on sorting some of this stuff out for you. So focus on your self-care. Make sure you're eating right and getting enough water. Exercise. Maintain your personal hygiene. Just wearing something nice and putting on makeup might help you feel better. Go out with your friends, be social. Talk about stuff that has nothing to do with relationships. Re-discover hobbies and interests that fell by the wayside when you got into this relationship.

*MOST IMPORTANT:*

Focus on your schoolwork! Falling behind in your studies will really hurt you in the long run. If you sincerely think you can't manage it right now/this semester, see your Dean of Students (of Dean of Academic Affairs), explain the situation, and find out what accommodations they can make. They may be able to withdraw you from your classes without damaging your GPA, or arrange for you to take incompletes this semester and allow you to complete the work later. But DO THIS NOW!!! I cannot stress this enough!!! If you wait, you could end up failing your classes and they won't be able to help you at that point. This is SO IMPORTANT, I CANNOT stress this enough. The deans and your professors want you to do well academically. It is in their best interest that you do well, and if you have extenuating circumstances, which you do!!!, they will want to help you. This qualifies as a traumatic experience, and they will be compassionate.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I want you to focus on ONE THING tomorrow: get up, shower, get dressed, and go to your school and talk to the dean of student affairs. That is the ONE THING I want you to do tomorrow. You don't have to do anything else, just do this one thing. Please. You will thank me for it later.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

GrandR said:


> Can someone offer some insight and hope? I feel like I will never find anyone ever again, even though I am 22 years old.


How many relationships have you had before this? Everyone feels this pain. Strength comes from within and knowing that you are better off without him than living a lie. He has cheated, he will continue to cheat and you will only waste your life with this man.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

FeministInPink said:


> I want you to focus on ONE THING tomorrow: get up, shower, get dressed, and go to your school and talk to the dean of student affairs. That is the ONE THING I want you to do tomorrow. You don't have to do anything else, just do this one thing. Please. You will thank me for it later.


Sorry for the multiple posts, but SERIOUSLY, this is the BEST BEST BEST thing you can do for yourself right now. 

They also could probably refer you to a school therapist who will work with you at low- or no-cost, who can probably see you immediately. (If you were to try to find one on your own, you might have to wait weeks or even months before they have an opening.)


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## GrandR (Nov 14, 2017)

I have had about 4 other relationships all lasting longer than a year. My husband has never had any relationships, I was his first.


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## GrandR (Nov 14, 2017)

I just wanted to say thank you for your thoughtful responses! I was here looking for some sincere advice and you did that amazingly  thank you


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

GrandR said:


> I just wanted to say thank you for your thoughtful responses! I was here looking for some sincere advice and you did that amazingly  thank you


You're welcome. If you stick around and keep posting, you'll get more, and not from just me and @Herschel. Other people will chime in as well.

This is a great place. It helped me get through my divorce, and I credit the community here with helping me get through the healing process faster and more completely than I would have on my own.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

@GrandR, you're still in a state of shock.

The important thing is to do exactly as these two posters suggest. What you're doing in essence is putting the focus back on you - your health and well-being - because at the moment you're focused on him and the end of the relationship, and it's depressing you, not to mention affecting your health negatively.

Right now it's probably difficult to change your focus to narrow in on yourself, but your smallest positive action will start to change your course. That's why @FeministInPink suggested doing just that one thing. After each consistent action, where you push yourself for yourself, you'll learn that you CAN live and survive just fine on your own, and you'll start to wonder why you poured so much energy into pining over someone who doesn't love you.


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## jlcrome (Nov 5, 2017)

Advice: Go 180 stop all contact, no begging or pleading, no text, spend time with friends and family, focus on yourself for 10 days, don't respond to text for at least 2 weeks, again no contact push it to 30 days 2 week minimum no compromise, after 2 weeks contact back via text only if texts seem in a positive light, after 30 days feel free to do some contact. 

This is just a game plan sort of shock therapy. It will just be a wake up call. Plus this will help you to clear your mind in a few weeks to make better decisions. If you follow this I promise this will scare the crap out of him. 

Will this save your marriage? wait 30 days I can almost assure you he will have a change in tone in his behavior.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

As others have said, he did you a favor in moving out instead of wasting years of your life lying to your face & sneaking around behind your back.

See a lawyer, get started on the paperwork. It may hurt now, and you may want to get together, but if you did, you would spend a lot of time trying to keep an eye on him.

If you have time, go to the gym, do something for you.

Sorry you are here.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

I'm sorry your husband did this to you. It is heartbreaking for one's dreams to be shattered in this way. 

You have not been married long. Do you have children? You didn't mention any.

Your husband isn't marriage material. He left you for another gal as if you were his short term girlfriend, not his wife whom he vowed to love and for whom he vowed to forsake for all others. It is probably hard to understand what others here have said: you are lucky to find this out now. I'm sure "lucky" is the last thing you're feeling, and I don't blame you. But if he doesn't come back, you WILL in the future understand that you are better off. I promise.

If he does come back, what will you do?


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## GrandR (Nov 14, 2017)

No we didn't have any children which everyone says makes me "lucky", once again that doesn't mean much to me. I think he was just way too young and immature to get married, even though we were the same age, I felt ready. I would like to say that if he came around I would tell him to leave me alone but honestly right now I would take him back in an instance which makes me feel all the more pathetic.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

GrandR said:


> No we didn't have any children which everyone says makes me "lucky", once again that doesn't mean much to me. I think he was just way too young and immature to get married, even though we were the same age, I felt ready. I would like to say that if he came around I would tell him to leave me alone but honestly right now I would take him back in an instance which makes me feel all the more pathetic.


You're not pathetic, you're human. You're hurting, and you just want the pain to go away... the easiest way to take the pain away is to take him back, if he came back.

But that's not the best thing for you. The best things for us are usually the hardest, and for you, that means letting him go and moving forward in your own life.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

GrandR,

An affair is an addiction and you can no more blame yourself for your Hs affair than if he was spending all his money on cocaine.

Take some time off and don't date for awhile you don't want to select someone who does the same thing to you which is common with rebound relationships.

Oh and expose the affair to everyone, workplace HR, his and her family, your family, facebook etc. There is no reason you have to suffer in silence, he committed the crime not you, there is no obligation on your part to maintain his ugly secret. 

Read "fall in love stay in love" and "surviving an affair" "his needs her needs" by Dr. Harley it will help you with your next relationship.

Tamat


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