# Losing Attraction to My Wife



## bubba29 (Feb 29, 2012)

Ok, I am looking for feedback, opinions, and help from anyone but mainly women. Some may say I am an insensitive prick because I am becoming less attracted to my wife because of her physical appearance. As of now, I have not said a word to my wife about her needing to lose weight. Since we had our last child 6 years ago, she has had some extra weight that she has made no real effort to lose. She is pretty healthy otherwise. 

I like to exercise and stay active, she doesn't. I am not saying she needs to become a fanatic. I just wish she would give it a real solid effort to become more physically attractive. I love her so much but am starting to feel guilty about the negative thoughts I am having about how I perceive her. I am not talking about super model or fitness model hot here. Just lose about 15- 20 pounds.

My question is, how should I handle this? How should I broach the subject? Am I being insensitive or unrealistic?


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

15 or 20 pounds really isn't that much. Are you sure your issue is with her weight or are you upset about other things? 
Have you tried to get her to do more active things with you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

I don't think you can approach the subject directly. You have to be indirect.

Start inviting her on dates that are more active.

Start to discuss how you want the family, including you and the kids, to eat healthier.

She may still see these as criticisms about her weight, but you will have plausible deniability.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Has something happened recently to change your perception? I ask because if she still has the weight from your last child six years ago, why are you now becoming less attracted to her? Some additional explanation would be helpful.


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## bubba29 (Feb 29, 2012)

Ok, I should clarify that she has recently put on a few more pounds.

We do eat healthfully. I am always talking about health and exercise. I guess maybe I am starting to resent that I put so much effort into being healthy and looking good but she doesn't.


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## Skate Daddy 9 (Sep 19, 2011)

When you get up in the morning or come home from work say "Hey lets go for a walk, it is a free date right?"


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Whatever you do, do not force or push the issue.

Why not ask her to go for walks with you every night after dinner? That's a start.

Most women are very sensitive about their weight. I know I am. I use to run 36 miles a week. That was suddenly stopped when I broke my neck 3.5 years ago. I did gain weight. I lost a lot of that weight, but I'm not toned as I once was. It shows and I'm not overweight.

I really want to look thin and toned, I have a disability that is stopping me from good cardio exercise. I eat pretty darn healthy. I cook healthy for the family, but my hubby is a triathlete and races in ironmans. Not once has he had an issue with my weight gain or body change, thank goodness. I'd be crushed.

As we age, or metabolism slows down, which makes it very hard to lose or maintain weight. I do bike on the stationary bike, but it's nowhere near as effective as running.

It's a very sensitive subject. If your wife thinks that you don't like the way she looks, it may effect your sex life.


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## bubba29 (Feb 29, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Whatever you do, do not force or push the issue.
> 
> Why not ask her to go for walks with you every night after dinner? That's a start.
> 
> ...


although your situation is different because of your disability, i do not push my wife. i know it does effect our sex life because she is not confident in herself despite me not making her uncomfortable.

my fear is she won't ever get down to a sleek weight and will continue to get bigger as we age because of lack of effort.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

Want to have context please. I've read others upset that their 120 lbs spouse put on 15 lbs and wants them within 5lbs of the 120 or to remain a fitness competitor and offer no support at home or with the children. Others have a spouse who went from 130 to 185 and just want them to lose 20 lbs.

So exactly how "bad"is it? Then we can call you a pig.......


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## bubba29 (Feb 29, 2012)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> Want to have context please. I've read others upset that their 120 lbs spouse put on 15 lbs and wants them within 5lbs of the 120 or to remain a fitness competitor and offer no support at home or with the children. Others have a spouse who went from 130 to 185 and just want them to lose 20 lbs.
> 
> So exactly how "bad"is it? Then we can call you a pig.......


~130 to ~160


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

How tall is she?

In my world 160 is a lot (and I'm tall) but then again I don't carry extra weight very well. I have a small frame.


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

tough one, my wife was 55 k.g when i met her, 65 when we got married, now a year and a half on she is 85 k.g

she has put on 20k.g since marriage. yes im not as attracted to her anymore either.

nothing we say will make wife excercise or eat healthier though, tired that. she will goes for walks for 3 days then give it up. or she will go on a diet for a week, lose one k.g then give it up.
its up to them to change.

worst thing is that she always sooks and whinges about how fat shes getting now, go figure.85k.g not fat, but 30 k.g increase in 5 years is


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## Trojan John (Sep 30, 2011)

I'm 184 cm, extremely active and I have trouble maintaining 79kg. It's usually less. An 85kg, inactive wife would be a massive problem for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bubba29 (Feb 29, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> How tall is she?
> 
> In my world 160 is a lot (and I'm tall) but then again I don't carry extra weight very well. I have a small frame.


she is about 5'4" or 162 cm.


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## suesmith (Jan 5, 2012)

This isnt gonna be popular, but dont say or do a damn thing! Trust me, she knows she has gained weight and she hates it more then you do. 

She knows. SHE KNOWS! 

She will lose it when she finds the motivation and will power. At times that can be harder then you would ever think. I know that many women are 'stress eaters.' If thats the case, and other things at home arent what they should be, that could be part of the issue. If shes not a stress eater.. it could any number of other things. 

Sometimes, if its a daily, (or minute by minute) struggle to stay thin...you just get tired of fighting it all the time. After years and years of it... sometimes you just want to be able to eat what you want. And sometimes it can get carried away. Who knows...... but she knows and doesnt like it. 

Try being more supportive of her and all that she does for the marriage. Offer more help with things. Love on her. Be a good husband. 

If you become critical, or even play the subtle little games to get her to 'be more healthy' it will only backfire on you. And she will see through what you are doing. This would be the perfect way to put a screeching halt to any sex you are currently having. 

Dont mention it. Dont mention anything that could possibly relate to it. IF, and only IF she says something about it that seems like she wants support from you in her efforts to get healtier, ask he what you can do to help, and then do whatever she says. Be supportive, thats all. Supportive. Dont make faces at her if you see her eating something you think she shouldnt. Dont roll your eyes at her if she doesnt want to go for a walk with you. Supportive, be supportive at all times. Not judgmental! 

You love her, right? You married her because you love her. You had a child with her because you love her. Does a few extra lbs change that? 

Ya know... life hands us all sorts of challenges and if this one is going to cause you major problems, you are in for a rocky ride at some point. Be careful. 

Sorry.. .but this is one of my pet peeves.


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## bubba29 (Feb 29, 2012)

suesmith said:


> This isnt gonna be popular, but dont say or do a damn thing! Trust me, she knows she has gained weight and she hates it more then you do.
> 
> She knows. SHE KNOWS!
> 
> ...


thank you for your feedback.


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## Woola66 (Feb 29, 2012)

Bubba,

As an overweight woman, I may have some insight on this subject. It's easier for guys to maintain a certain weight because of body chemistry than women. Our metabolisms fight us every step of the way as we get older. In order for us to maintain a svelte weight, we would have to work out for two hours a day, seven days a week, and eat rabbit food constantly. lol. 

That said, there are things that you can do to encourage her without playing games. Tell her she's beautiful because regardless of a few pounds, she is still that beautiful woman you married and she should know that you still think so. Make time to go out on dates together.

Oh, and guess what? Sex burns 300 calories an hour, so instead of decreasing your sexual activity, increase it and you'll both burn off more calories. Some women are motivated by wanting to keep looking good for their spouse and some aren't. Maybe some reassurance from you will make her think a little bit. Most of us don't respond to negative stimulation, I know I don't.

Find the parts of her body that drive you wild. Maybe she has some extra weight around her middle, but her legs are still shapely and her neck and shoulders are pretty. Maybe she still has a killer rack but a little more junk in her trunk. There is still plenty about her to turn you on if you just think about it. 

These are just suggestions and I hope maybe something here is helpful for you.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

look at this gallery of women with similar weight height build

Search by Height, Weight - My Body Gallery - What Real Women Look Like

Similarly, what is a sensitive question that you should never ask a man that he can control?


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

^^ I love My Body Gallery!

It's too bad that we don't have more realistic images of women used in the barrage of media crap we get thrown at us all the time.

@Bubba ~

Has your wife ever been much of an exercise enthusiast or health nut? There are some people that just hate to exercise with a passion - just didn't know if she has always been that kind of person it might be unreasonable to expect her to turn in to one - at least not unless that passion develops within herself.

It isn't unreasonable to be concerned about her health, though. And I always think that is the most positive way to approach a spouse about weight gain. If you approach it as only losing attraction and what you are missing out on, then your wife may feel that you only see her as a body for you to use and you aren't seeing all of the other important parts that also make her up. If you approach it as a health issue - and a family one at that, then you are all in the same boat together.

Do you know what has caused her to gain the weight? Does she use food as an emotional crutch in her life? Does she have time to herself to actually exercise? Does she have a lot of stressors in her life?

Many times people need to address these internal issues within themselves before they are able to lose - and most importantly - keep off the weight. They have to work any of those internal emotional issues and they have to learn how to manage food in their life appropriately.

And the best thing you can do is to always be a good role model, and supportive to her efforts.

Best wishes.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Hi Bubba have you thought about maybe suggesting yall start riding bikes together or walking at nite or have others have mentioned doing fun type dates that involve physical activity of some type. Me and wife and 2 daughters ride bikes together alot its fun and great exercise.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

suesmith said:


> She will lose it when she finds the motivation and will power.


While that's true, I think that one person standing by and offering no help while the other gains weight isn't a good strategy.



suesmith said:


> Try being more supportive of her and all that she does for the marriage. Offer more help with things. Love on her. Be a good husband.


I agree with your point on stress eating. But the OP has said she eats well and just doesn't exercise. And him loving her more won't get her off the couch. I think he needs to do something to get her off the couch.



suesmith said:


> You love her, right? You married her because you love her. You had a child with her because you love her. Does a few extra lbs change that?


It won't change his love for her. But, it does change the relationship. His wife's weight has gone up 23%. Her BMI has gone from normal, to squarely in the overweight range. That has, understandably, changed his sexual attraction to his wife. And that's something that's not easy to paper over in a marriage.

I would expect a similar post from his wife is the OP lost his job and made no effort to find another one. I wouldn't ask if a few dollars changed her love for him. I would absolutely expect her view of her husband to be negatively affected.

I know that women struggle with their weight more than men. And I know that they're sensitive about it. But the OP isn't saying that his wife is killing herself trying to lose weight, isn't successful, and he wants to leave her over it. He's saying she's making little effort to lose weight, and he wants to help her.


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## L.M.COYL (Nov 16, 2010)

Thank god ap addressed suesmith`s terrible suggestions.

Just love and support her . . . all the way to the funeral home.

bubba, people here suggested I do nothing when my wife began to pack it on as well and now she has packed on even more. They suggested that I invite her to run with me but she had made no effort to join in while she eats unhealthy and fattening foods.:scratchhead:

I`m about to toss out the butter, chips, etc etc.

There is nothing wrong with wanting a healthy, toned attractive partner (can you believe I actually had to type that!). I believe it`s only right that if you take time out to stay fit and take care so your partner should reciprocate.

Life is too short to be overweight, depressed and lonely.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

suesmith said:


> This isnt gonna be popular, but dont say or do a damn thing! Trust me, she knows she has gained weight and she hates it more then you do.
> 
> She knows. SHE KNOWS!
> 
> ...


I looooooove this....I am one of those people whose weight goes up and down all the time because for me it is a daily struggle. I have to eat like a bird all day, every day and try and find time to work out, which I do as often as I can. 

You're right, I _know_ that I've gained weight, I have a mirror, I see it and I hate it, but working on it day after day after day gets soooo old. Sitting there eating a salad or ham rolls for dinner while my H and kids eat a big dinner sucks. Then when my H sits down at night he can eat a whole tube of cinnamon rolls or half a box of cookies.....he has a 6-pack, figures! LOL But he has a lot of factors in his favor, he has a very high metabolism, has always been stick skinny (Now very muscular, it's hot  ), has a physical job and works out....

But I agree completely, she knows and she will lose in her own time, she has to do it on her own. Not saying that you can't suggest more physical activities. During the summer my H is always taking me and the kids to the beach or hiking or something physical, but it's fun and we all have a good time and it also gives us a chance to hang as a family without electronics!!! lol


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I'm 5'6" and 175. Well, i'm sure I'll be less once this huge tumor is out of me lol!!

But...weight can be carried differently. I have a butt and boobs. I was 170 when I met Hubs.

I plan to lose 20 pounds after surgery...should be easier...


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

that_girl said:


> I'm 5'6" and 175. Well, i'm sure I'll be less once this huge tumor is out of me lol!!
> 
> But...weight can be carried differently. I have a butt and boobs. I was 170 when I met Hubs.
> 
> I plan to lose 20 pounds after surgery...should be easier...


Oh to have a butt and boobs....a girl can wish lol


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## L.M.COYL (Nov 16, 2010)

I think a significant point that needs to be reiterated here is that for the partner that exercises they are actually alienated by the other partner who does not exercise, although they may actually be eating healthy, leading a reasonably active lifestyle, etc. 

Without the *intense aerobic exercise* (can`t stress this enough), diet and other factors willécan not cut it. A challenging, regular workout is needed in order to have a body that does justice to what you love about yourself and what your active partner desires to see reflecting the person they love.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

For every wife who tells us her sexuality is slightly more complex than Romulan calculus there's some guy who's just lost the spark for her. To me that seems fair.


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