# her depression



## jrnyc (Jun 3, 2010)

I initially started a thread in the section about sex, but after reading there (and really examining our situation -- along with the last couple of days with her), I feel like this is the appropriate place.

My wife is depressed. She won't admit it, won't get help, etc. She spends hours in bed, complains about her work/school, and is constantly looking for "the next job," or the "next place to move," etc. She asks me almost daily "could you move here?" What scares me is that she had only lived here for 2 months when we got together, and I think her time here is almost up. Whether or not I go is another story.

In the short term. She is isolated, constantly seeking "something" either on facebook, or otherwise. I don't think she has been (or would be) unfaithful.

However, it is driving my anxiety up. I worry she is going to just take off, leave me. I have tried involving her in activities. I have tried to give her space (although admittedly, I don't like to be apart either).

Now she just sulks, and is to the point that she is "unhappy because she knows she is making me unhappy." Despite my attempts to reassure her...

Physical intimacy is fading/gone. She asks me to "make sure I get up at xyz time." Make sure we do "pdq" this weekend. When it comes time, she is too tired to even get up.

She won't do couples or individual counseling, and hates the thought of meds.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

what made her move? what was her life like before she moved? did she live by family/friends?


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## jrnyc (Jun 3, 2010)

She told me because she wanted to go somewhere else (in the context of trying to find happiness). She never had a stable home life, and lived with relatives. She wants to "go back to her family," but when we are there, she is miserable and "wants to go home" (to where we live now). I feel like she just can't be happy in the moment, no matter where we are.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

oh i see. many people that grow up in unstable environments will recreate that the rest of their life. its what's familiar to them. its one of those sayings that they are only happy when they are miserable. 

how old are you both? how long have you been married?


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## jrnyc (Jun 3, 2010)

6 years apart, early 30s. Married only a short while (together almost 3 years).


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## Mario Kempes (Jun 12, 2010)

Sorry to read your story, OP. My wife and I are both 50ish. We're married about 20 years. I didn't realise at all when we were going out together, or when we got married, that my wife suffered from depression. And neither did she. The signs were there but I wasn't equipped to read the signs at the time. 

Many things were a big deal-especially little things that I did wrong. She's be moody at times and our sex life was, well, pathetic really, most of the time.

We had kids but things didn't really improve and I still couldn't see what was wrong. At times, I was going to leave her. life was pretty unbearable, a lot of the time, but I hung in there. Staying in bed, a lot, was another factor for her.

To cut a long story short, my wife, after a number of years, figured that maybe she was suffering from depression. She was very aware of how unhappy she made me and felt guilty because of it. However, it took a long time for her to be able to face up to it and seek medical advice. Her self diagnosis was correct and she went on medication.

It would be difficult for me to describe to you the difference it made. The terrible cloud under which she lived every day practically gradually disappeared. She became a different person. If you met her now, you would not suspect in a million years that she's on medication for it. Even our sex life improved. She says that the meds dull her sexual appetite but things are still so much better now. There are one or two issues I'm still trying to deal with but that's another story.

My point to you is that now I know what an awful time she was going through. She was living in a dark pit and felt there was no way out of it. Her facing up to her problem and taking medication has changed everything in our family life. 

I can now understand what your wife is going through. I can understand how she might want to just stay in bed all day and not face the world.

Your concern for her is obvious. Is there any way you could get her to take the step my wife took? Could you perhaps show her this reply? Could you encourage her to PM me about it? I'd love to help.

Ten years ago I would have severly doubted that things would be as they are now, in my life. 
By and large, I'm a very happy guy and wouldn't change a whole lot in my life.

I hope you can talk her around. Good luck, jrnyc.


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## jrnyc (Jun 3, 2010)

Mario - 

Thanks for the note. I am pretty sure she won't get help. She has made that pretty clear to me. In fact, it is at a point where it becomes contentious if I bring it up =(. She is pretty miserable to be around lately. 

The thing that is the most frustrating for me is that she won’t honor my needs – physical intimacy notwithstanding. I have told her what helps me to feel happy, confident, etc. I have tried to do more than my share to honor her needs (what little she will verbalize). 

I am seriously considering leaving at this point. It has taken me a while to get to a point that I could really face that as a possibility (or – reality!). 

I love her dearly, but this is hell =(

JR


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## pretzelsandbeer (Jul 2, 2010)

Hey JR, my story is surprisingly similar to Mario's; years of gradually worsening depression (wife, not me), huge improvement from medicine, some side effects, etc.

I think there are three possible outcomes for you:
1) She gets treatment and improves (then you get counseling to rebuild your relationship.
2) She doesn't get treatment and you leave to save yourself.
3) She doesn't get treatment, you stay. This will destroy you. Sorry, but you can't hope for anything good to come from this.

If she doesn't pick option 1, then you have to pick option 2, otherwise you will get option 3 and you will die.

Peace to you, brother.

- Pretz


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## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

Hey I can kind of relate to your story because I have had severe depression for 13 years and have had similar things happen due to me! I know I became a really miserable person too, making my husband miserable in the meantime. If she's like me, she is stuck in a trap of negativity. For me, medication did not work and nobody knew why, but finally I have found a good psychotherapist and it turns out it all was due to childhood issues!

I did the "Searching for something on the internet" thing too. For me, it wasn't a person, I think that I was looking for answers to my questions I had about myself. Looking for the missing piece to me. And I never found it.. we discussed this in therapy and the therapist thinks it was because I new I needed something, I just did not have any idea what it was. Could be the same with your wife. If she is depressed then I highly doubt she is looking for an affair or anything - those things don't really interest you when you have one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel, so to speak. Well that's how it was for me, anyway.

When you are depressed to that severity (and it sounds like your wife is) then it weighs heavily on your mind 24 hours a day. That is probably why the sex is bad.. your libido goes out the window! But because you are depressed, you get the common thought "I have more important things to worry about than sex".

I also relate to how she says she is unhappy because she is making you unhappy. I got stuck in that one so, so often. And because you can't just "snap out of it" or find anything to help you along, you feel really bad that you have dragged your partner (who you love so much) into it and made them miserable too - you feel a bit like you have tainted them with your.... evilness? Not sure of the proper word to use. I bet you 100% that even though she is depressed and acting like this, she does not love you any less. She just cannot show it right now due to her mind state. I had also entertained the thought of just packing up and taking off but when it came down to it, I was so lethargic and tired from the depression that I couldn't muster the energy to do it. That and I did not want to lose my husband who, in my opinion, was the only positive thing in my life. And he still loved me despite my situation! (that shocked me)

But getting her to go to a doctor and talk is a toughie. I was like that for a while but when I got to a certain stage I thought "Fk it... what have I got to lose? Its either this or I kill myself - might as well give it a crack before I kill myself". And it was the best thing I ever did. That opened up a lot of doors that I did not know existed. And the doctor/psychiatrist/psychologist/etc talked about how it was an ILLNESS, and talked in those terms, so I felt so much less like I was just a bad person - more like I was just a person with an illness. That helped me a lot.

It is a long road to recovery but the good thing is, when you are depressed, even a slight improvement means a big deal. When I could go outside without having to dread it for 2 days beforehand, I was so happy. When I could get up in the morning and not be sad that I hadn't died overnight, it was a really good feeling. Stuff like that.

Could you turn it around a bit when you ask her about getting help? She said she doesn't want to make you unhappy - could you say something like "it would really make me happy if you would just have a quick conversation with (Doctor's name) about it? I'll make the appointment, all you have to do is be there and chat for a bit". That way, it doesn't sound like a huge effort on her behalf and she may do it to make you happy. At least then she will know that she is not actually a lost cause and that there are plenty of things out there she can try.  Just a thought anyway.


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## kristy85 (Jul 1, 2010)

Better take her to a psychiatrist...
people do need change in their lives, but shifting the place even when you have came their for only two months, should be a thing to be considered, or else their may be some thing that is bothering her, please check out with her.

 Drug Rehab Program


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