# Is my wife just not a sexual person?



## fredfredson (Sep 19, 2012)

I Sex has been a challenge, especially since our daughter was born.

Any kind of physical intimacy seems difficult. My wife rarely initiates physical contact like kissing, cuddling, or hand-holding. She gets grossed out if I french kiss (she recently told me that she has to be turned on already for french kissing to not be gross). When I try to cuddle she gets uncomfortable and shrinks away quickly. There are even times when I can't touch her (in non-sensitive areas) without her getting uneasy or jumpy.

She has lately been making me sleep in the living room because of my snoring. Although I get rejected a lot, sex does happen about once a week. But I have to initiate it and do most the work. Many times I can tell she's not really enjoying it herself. Every lovemaking session she asks me several times if I'm sure I'm OK, which tells me "I'm bored, are you sure you're OK?" I appreciate that she is willing to have sex sometimes, but I long for a relationship where my wife passionately desires erotic, sensual sex from me.

I suggested we leave our 18-month-old with grandma and get away together last Labor Day, but she declined. Said she wasn't interested in my "sex fest".

We went on vacation to Kauai and stayed in a beautiful hotel, but even then we only had sex one time. And she was so tired she just wanted to get it over with quickly so we could get some sleep.

I'd love to shower together, but she hates it because somebody is always out in the cold. So we almost never do.

We didn't have sex before marriage (we both have a strong religious background), and on our wedding night she was even afraid to get undressed in front of me.

So what do I do? I love my wife and daughter dearly but the longer I go without sexual satisfaction the harder it gets. I work out and diet religiously so I'm in great shape, and I find myself imagining more and more what could happen if we got a divorce. However I don't think I could do that because I still love her and it breaks my heart to think what would happen to our daughter.

Can people change or are we both just stuck with our different sex drives for good?


----------



## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

fred, you may love her, but it sure seems like she's not into you...sorry


----------



## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

I would suggest therapy. You can always try to change for the better.








_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

It sounds as if your wife doesn't feel emotionally connected to you, and she probably needs that in order to really desire sex. Her comment about your planned "sex fest" leads me to think that your wife may feel (whether it's true or not from your perspective) as if the only time/reason you really pay attention to her is when you want sex. There may also be an element of feeling "touched out" if she spends all day with a toddler clinging to her, pulling her hair and dribbling various things on her.

I highly, highly recommend you both read His Needs, Her Needs. Find out what her emotional needs are, and if you aren't meeting them, start doing so. She should also realize that she needs to meet your emotional needs (which includes sex) if she wants a strong happy marriage.

And try to discuss with her if her religious upbringing makes her feel that sex, even in a marriage, is somehow dirty or wrong. That type of problem might need the aid of a faith-based counselor who really advocates great married sex.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

The answer to your question is there is a 99% chance your wife is a sexual person and you have not figured out how to uncork or unleash her sexuality.


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

As Hicks said, usually wives in sexless marriages have normal desire, they're just not attracted to their husbands. However, because your wife was a virgin and is devout, she may have unhealthy attitudes toward sex in general. Also, many new moms tend to sour on sex and have a hard time getting back in the saddle (so to speak).

First, you have to determine if you're actively suppressing her sex drive. And ignore all the crap you see and hear about doing the dishes more often to take the burden off your wife. Usually, that just results in the wife seeing the husband as the maid. And that's not sexy. I mean don't come home from work and jump on the couch for an XBox marathon, or 5 hours of Tivo. That's also not sexy.

But, you do need to pay attention to her, let her know you both desire her and appreciate her, and try to pull her interest. Read Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. for some good information on how to pull your wife's interest.

Good luck.


----------



## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

My sex life dried up when she became a mom too. That happens a lot. They have a kid hanging on them all the time and are just so overstimulated that additional physical contact just irritates them. Aside from the lack of sex or physical affection how is your relationship? How are you handling the lack of affection? What kinds of things does she complain about on a day-today basis?


----------



## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Rowan said:


> Her comment about your planned "sex fest" leads me to think that your wife may feel (whether it's true or not from your perspective) as if the only time/reason you really pay attention to her is when you want sex.


i thought this immediately when i saw that.:iagree:


----------



## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

neilbl said:


> Maybe you should just respect your wifes decision on not to want sex that much.


Whaaaaaat? :rofl:


----------



## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Rowan said:


> Her comment about your planned "sex fest" leads me to think that your wife may feel (whether it's true or not from your perspective) as if the only time/reason you really pay attention to her is when you want sex. There may also be an element of feeling "touched out" if she spends all day with a toddler clinging to her, pulling her hair and dribbling various things on her.
> 
> 
> Although I can understand the "sex fest" comment. I feel it is bathed in negativity. She is only seeing you as this sex crazed creature and is in a way saying so to either shame you or make you back off or both. If she feels like the only time you pay attention to her is when you want sex that's her perspective and in some way she has gotten to the point where she is representing all you do for her is an effort to get sex. Sad that she has to do that to herself as it would be just as easy to frame your actions to herself in other ways.
> ...


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

neilbl said:


> Maybe you should just respect your wifes decision on not to want sex that much.


As long as she respects your decision to not be in a sexless marriage (i.e. divorce).


----------



## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

it is likely her strong religion values may have a hand in this. She may believe that sex is onlyfor you and may not She may believe sex is for her man and not for her enjoyment. As others have mentioned she may be tapped out with the demands of the baby. It is not clear if she may just not love/like you (sorry but, can’t rule it out) or if you perhaps treat her like s#% except when you want a little lovin’. It is surprising when you hear someone complain about sex only to find out about an affair of that they are trying not to beat their wives anymore (hypothetical). You may want to find out if there is resentment that can be worked out as this is frequently the cause. That mercy sex thing sucks and hurts. Good luck.


----------



## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

my 2 cents....

as drover said, after a baby, you just get "touched out", there is always somebody in need of your attention, personal space, and in need of hugs, and things of that sort.

sex, its very complicated, if you dont use it you forget how it works, and you forget desire, you forget longing, you forget need. it must be worked at everyday. but, both people have to be willing to work at not forgetting.

its a fine balancing act between parenthood, and husband/wife relationship. kids are great, but they have this way of taking over lives, and suddenly you wake up, and everything revolves around them.

mores the pity that both persons have to want to put the marriage before kids, and make sex a tippy top priority. i think a frank and honest talk can help, not a instant problem solver in this instance, but help open up about feelings.


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

67flh said:


> fred, you may love her, but it sure seems like she's not into you...sorry


Sorry, one more vote for not that in to you.


----------



## fredfredson (Sep 19, 2012)

Thank you everybody for the comments, they gave me the encouragement I need to talk to her more directly about it. So last night when we were in bed (she wasn't making me sleep in the living room) I asked if we could sleep together naked (no sex) - this is something we've never really done. This led to a tearful argument about how I should accept her and not make her do things she's uncomfortable with. And then I did sleep in the living room.

To be fair she is early on in a pregnancy right now - not showing yet but still uncomfortable with herself for it, and she is more emotional. I have never hurt her (on purpose), and never cheated on her emotionally or physically, and have not viewed pornography during our marriage. I also try to wake up early and get a head start on work so we have more time together, but sometimes things come up and I have to work later. I'm not the best talker or listener either. Sometimes I just don't know what to talk about (is it normal to just watch TV or have silence since neither one knows what to talk about?) This week I've been researching something and talking to her about it, and she keeps telling me how much she likes it just because I'm talking. However when there's silence it's because neither one is talking ... Another thing I do is when I'm concentrating on something hard enough I sometimes don't process when people tell me something. I know how annoying that can be but I find myself doing it anyway.

She also wants more quality time together, but it's HARD to come up with a creative date every week! And most the time when I'm home, especially since we've had out daughter, we just spend our time together cooking, cleaning, watching TV, or playing with/taking care of our daughter.

I guess I just answered my own original question.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

She's got you jumping through hoops. What worse is that you're jumping through them but with no treat at the end. It's pretty clear that she knows she has you locked in and that you'll never leave no matter how badly she treats you.


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

fredfredson said:


> Thank you everybody for the comments, they gave me the encouragement I need to talk to her more directly about it. So last night when we were in bed (she wasn't making me sleep in the living room) I asked if we could sleep together naked (no sex) - this is something we've never really done. This led to a tearful argument about how I should accept her and not make her do things she's uncomfortable with. And then I did sleep in the living room.


The beta is strong with you. Here's the thing. You should NEVER sleep in another bed. If you want to sleep naked in your own bed, then do it. If your wife tells you you're a pervert for doing it, just give her a wink and a smile. Agree and amplify. Say, "Yep, the donkey is waiting in the bathroom."



fredfredson said:


> To be fair she is early on in a pregnancy right now - not showing yet but still uncomfortable with herself for it, and she is more emotional.


You have said this has been a long-term problem. Don't make excuses for her.



fredfredson said:


> Sometimes I just don't know what to talk about (is it normal to just watch TV or have silence since neither one knows what to talk about?) This week I've been researching something and talking to her about it, and she keeps telling me how much she likes it just because I'm talking. However when there's silence it's because neither one is talking


She's given you a clue about what she likes. She likes it when you talk. So talk. I know you're not good at it. Practice will make you better. Women like men who are good conversationalists. They find it sexy. Work on it.



fredfredson said:


> She also wants more quality time together, but it's HARD to come up with a creative date every week! And most the time when I'm home, especially since we've had out daughter, we just spend our time together cooking, cleaning, watching TV, or playing with/taking care of our daughter.


I know it's hard. But you need to do it. A woman needs variety of experiences. She needs drama and excitement. If you don't provide her with enough excitement, she will find it elsewhere. There is a chance that she will find it with another man. You don't want that. So be more exciting.

Seriously. Go to the website I linked to earlier in the thread. Otherwise, you'll be asking yourself these same questions 10 years from now when you can't even remember when the last time you had sex was.

Good luck.


----------



## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

We have date nite a few times a month. It's very simple maybe lunch at a new place or a steak dinner. Sometimes it's just deli sandwiches and chips. We go to a park and sit and talk, but sometimes it's ok not to talk and just listen to nature. 

If her love language is quality time, it dosent really matter where you go. As long as you are doing to together. My husbands LL is quality time and we sit out side our apt or house or currently at a pub, and talk for hours. 

Does she know you joined a forum??? Does she belong to a forum??? Can you just read interesting topics out loud and have a conversation about it??? Could you just google random things and laugh at the results?? The Internet is filled with stupid, dumb, interesting things. 

Do you talk about work or co workers??? Do you talk about a news article you read or saw??? Why not talk about the tv show you are watching, like the plot do you think that would ever happen?, what if that was real?, dissect the plot holes, or the actors on the show or in the movie. 

Does she work??? Do you ask her about her day??? Did she go to the mall??? Shop for food??? Do you talk about the baby??? Names??? What kind of parents do you think you'll be?, strict?, lenient?, fun??? Is sponge bob the devil??? Is family guy ok for children??? 

House hold chores and duties after the baby comes. Dreams. Goals. Aspirations. Dreams/nightmares. Childhood stories. Do you talk about boundaries and values??? Have they changed???

And above all. Tell her she's beautiful. Going through pregnancy is a very emotional time, and it plays with your mental as well. Tell her every day how much you desire her. How she's glowing. 

Maybe the 2 of you can google pregnancy stories, and laugh at the funny ones, read from other moms who "if only I knew then what I know now", those are interesting. 

Be involved with the dr visits. Go shopping with her for food and clothes. If she says or asks if she's fat, does she look fat....look at her and tell her she's gorgeous. Tell her it's for the baby. Then ask her what it will be like to hold the baby for the first time. And other kinds of things to focus on, first nite home and such. 

Offer her foot rubs and leg massages and back rubs. Ok I've talked enough.


----------



## fredfredson (Sep 19, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> Seriously. Go to the website I linked to earlier in the thread. Otherwise, you'll be asking yourself these same questions 10 years from now when you can't even remember when the last time you had sex was.


Thank you for the link! I got the primer book and read the whole thing. Excellent stuff!


----------

