# Do you ever feel you come in 2nd place?



## bellawhite

Ive been married for 5 years and ive alwayssss felt my husbands family (parents) are more important to him than i am! Ive complained to him several times with little change! We have 2 kids and after a while of feeling like im 2nd its take a huge tool on me! For anyone who has been through this does it ever get better? Im Christian but i admit to daydreaming about finding a guy that im the center of his universe! We also have 2 kids together which makes me hurt even more bc why cant he see what god stated in the bible that now ourrrr family is number 1! We are both in our mid twenties but im tired of feeling this way and i dont want to live like this forever!
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## Mr Blunt

First, in most marriages I know there are many times when the spouse is 2nd place. Mankind has a strong tendency to go after what they think is best for them. I am not for one minute suggesting that being in 2nd place all the time is acceptable. However, if you are married long enough you will find that you will be in 2nd place sometimes. Frankly, I would not be surprised if you put him in second place sometime in your marriage. I think the determining factor is how often you are put into 2nd place? Once or twice a year, once or twice a month, once or twice a week, or every day? Most marriage I know do not break up a marriage over once or twice a year. If it is every day then the marriage is headed for real trouble.

Bella, in your case you did not give enough information. You said that you FEEL like your husband’s family are more important to him than you are. That could be true or you could have an overly deep need to be the center of his universe that comes from your self esteem or previous baggage.



> i admit to daydreaming about finding a guy that im the center of his universe!


This is very dangerous to your marriage. *If you feed that enough your chances of divorce are going to be very high*. Even if you found such a man it would not last for long. If you think that you are going to get a man that is always going to make you the center of his universe you are thinking like a teenager or a woman that does not want to face reality.

Bella, you have a least two things going for you. First you are a very brave and honest woman to put your thoughts out in the open. Secondly, you, and I assume your husband, are of the Christian faith. If your husband is treating you badly and is committed to his faith then he knows what the scriptures say about husbands loving their wife. The husband is to love her so much that he would give his life for her. That is a very high goal but that is what we are called to do. If your husband is serious about his faith then he will do something positive about the problem of putting you in 2nd place all the time, if that is really what he is doing.

I would suggest that you both seek a professional Christian counselor. *Be prepared for you to make changes as well as your husband. If we Christian followed the scriptures and gave our heart and soul to God and marriage there would be very few divorces if any at all.* The problem is that we revert back to selfishness and our baggage sometimes.


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## unbelievable

How did you make it to second place? Behind the wife's family, our dogs, the bunny, I figure I'm not even in the top 10. LOL When our kids were young, I was even farther down the totem poll. I doubt there is a husband alive who feels in first place and no father or grandfather makes it into second position. I don't think we're supposed to. 
Your husband may be way over the top in his devotion to his parents, but as a rule, a guy who takes care of his parents in their old age is a guy who will take care of you and the kids.


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## bellawhite

Unbelieveable- the thing is, his parents arent of old age! They are healthy and in their mid 40s! 
Mrblunt- let me explain it a lil better! My husband seems to go above and beyond to make them happy, almost ever weekend he wants to take the kids to his parents house and we live 2 hrs away, so we stay there from fri-sun and when we are there all he does is hang out with his dad and im left alone at home with
His mom to take care of the kids, and he is always going on small trips with his dad and brother like fishing, camping etc. when i think he should be putting in the time to do those kind of things with me and the boys! He says they are too lil but what about me? Most of the time i feel neglected and left out and lonely! Especially bc i dont have family around! I just think after ur married u need to spend less time and effort pleasing ur parents and more time pleasing ur wife! Plus he has a needddd to involveee them in every decision we have to make big or small! Its fraustrating! I just feel pretty lonely in the marriage sometimes and ive felt that in 5 years his parents and their needs and wants come first!!!!
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## Mr Blunt

Bella

Your husband may not be giving you enough attention, you may want your husband to make you the center of his universe, not enough information to know which is at fauklt or how much each is at fault.

Without your husband’s side of the story this forum can only hear your side. If you want to know what I think is best for you and your husband it is what I said in my first post reprinted below:



> I would suggest that you both seek a professional Christian counselor. *Be prepared for you to make changes as well as your husband.* If we Christian followed the scriptures and gave our heart and soul to God and marriage there would be very few divorces if any at all. The problem is that we revert back to selfishness and our baggage sometimes


*If you both are willing to listen to a professional that has a biblical base and then BOTH DO what he/she says, then you will get much better.* If you do not then one or both of you have baggage or selfishness that you are unwilling to give up.

I hope that you and/or your husband are not someone that is not willing to look at what you may be doing that is adding to the problem. I have almost never seen a husband/wife problem that was 100% one person’s fault. My guess would be that your husband needs to improve in some areas. 

You definitely are choosing to do one thing that is very detrimental to any marriage. Your own choice to daydream about another man to replace your husband is almost as bad if your husband looked at porn and replaced you with that porn star in his mind.


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## Jamie.11

Try to talk to him again and tell him how you feel. Maybe he is not just showy about his feelings?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Maybe you could come up with a plan where you both compromise. Tell him he still can see his parents, but not every weekend. Maybe every other weekend or one weekend a month. I do think this is obsessive and one weekend a month would be better.

I hope you can work this out. I personally would think that every weekend is much too often. I personally wouldn't want to go either.


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## bellawhite

Yeah it is too much  his exuse is u know how close i am with my dad, and my mom! He has made that excuse for 5 years! Its time to grow up and cut the cord! We are actually moving soon so im hoping it will get better after the farrrr away move!

Jamor- he is a very nice guy and good dad and a very good son and does not know how to say no to friends and family but he does know perfectly fine how to say no to me, which once again makes me feel like he puts me second! Its hard  

Mr blut- thanks for ur input ill try to see if wr can get some good help weve had friends tell him in the past he needs to let go of his parents a lil but he hasnt changed much i think they brainwashed him when he was little! He says we need to be oneee biggg happy family but i dont agree! We need to be 2 different families that can have a good time together but they have to have their own hopes and dreams for the future and so do we! I always thought eventually things would change but they never have so maybe its time to find some good help to talk to us! And i do think he has some selfish baggage he cant let go, which is why he insists in being so close to his parents!
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## Mavash.

I've been through this and it only gets better when YOU decide to DO something about it.

At the moment your husband is free to do whatever he pleases because he knows you're always at home waiting for him. Your behavior gives him a free pass and says you're okay with it. He can make you a less of a priority because you allow it to happen.

I'm not saying threaten to leave or anything but you can start NOT being so available. And stop complaining about it. That never works.


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## ATC529R

unbelievable said:


> How did you make it to second place? Behind the wife's family, our dogs, the bunny, I figure I'm not even in the top 10. LOL When our kids were young, I was even farther down the totem poll. I doubt there is a husband alive who feels in first place and no father or grandfather makes it into second position. I don't think we're supposed to.
> Your husband may be way over the top in his devotion to his parents, but as a rule, a guy who takes care of his parents in their old age is a guy who will take care of you and the kids.


well said/


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## *LittleDeer*

Start by having some good boundaries. What you think is reasonable for your marriage and what you need.

There is a book many people on here swear by called "his needs, her needs"

Explain to your husband that you need him to be your husband first and foremost. Tell him of your fantasy - it might shock him into action. Let him know that his neglect of you leaves your marriage in danger. 

Then start by looking after you.

Insist that you have three weekends together then one with his family. If he wants to go and visit family, that's fine, but he must do things that involve you and the children. If he keeps leaving you out, send him alone with the children, and have some alone time, and do fun things on your own. 

Start some hobbies of your own, and make sure he does his fair share with the children. 

Let him know that neglecting his marriage has consequences, then go about living your life.

If there is no improvement in 6 months of you concentrating on what makes you happy, then insist on counseling.


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## mupostori

refuse to go to see his parents this weekend ,let him go alone or with the kids


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## bellawhite

We are actually living with them now for a few weeks before we move! Even if i say im not going, he still goes and it perfectly happy with
That, which makes me feel like they come before me! Always 
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## *LittleDeer*

You have to decide if it's a deal breaker for you. You will be happy to continue living like this?

If not, insist on marital counseling. Find a good counselor and don't be afraid to keep looking until you find one you are comfortable with. 

He is not doing the right thing by you, and probably needs an ultimatum if he's going to change.


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## TCL

bellawhite said:


> Ive been married for 5 years and ive alwayssss felt my husbands family (parents) are more important to him than i am! Ive complained to him several times with little change! We have 2 kids and after a while of feeling like im 2nd its take a huge tool on me! For anyone who has been through this does it ever get better? Im Christian but i admit to daydreaming about finding a guy that im the center of his universe! We also have 2 kids together which makes me hurt even more bc why cant he see what god stated in the bible that now ourrrr family is number 1! We are both in our mid twenties but im tired of feeling this way and i dont want to live like this forever!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


OH Bellawhite this breaks my heart. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE Get help fast or get out before you end up where I am and do something you will regret forever. 

I wish I'd gotten out in year 5. I stayed. It got worse. By year 10 the only thing I came before was household chores. His music (teaching, gigging, subbing), Church (he had his hand in everything there) his computer, his TV, his parents, his friends (most of them female) then me and the kids.. if something else didn't come up first. 

after years of trying (read the surrendered wife and it backfired, just gave him more freedom) I tried to make a life for myself and the kids without waiting on him. I planned outings and invited him, but he never came. Planned mini vacations with the kids (local, nothing pricey), he was never willing to take the time off work because he needed his holidays for Gigs and such. Finally for our 9th anniversary I managed to convince him to take a day off work so we could do a overnight away, just the 2 of us. It was our first ever as we didn't have a honeymoon. He spent the whole time on his phone texting, updating facebook and checking/replying to email. I was so hurt. 

By year 11 I found myself in an EA which destroyed what was left of my life and self esteem. I'll stop there. the rest is ugly. 

The point is, after years of being held to "wives submit to your husbands" (by year 10 he wouldn't even bother quoting the verse anymore he'd just say "Ephesians 5, I'm putting my foot down" and believing that I'd go to hell if I divorced, I finally got a proper teaching on Ephesians 5... HIS instructions are pretty clear. The only thing that should regularly come before a husbands wife and kids is God (NOT church, GOD) and there is a really good reason for 'leave and cleave' (did I mention I was married to a pastor?)

It's too late for me. But it's not for you. Before my EA I found myself daydreaming about the same thing. I think that's your warning sign to get help. Don't take no. Ask for a separation if you have to. It will not get better if you do nothing, I promise. 

I read a quote that went something like "you teach people how to treat you by what you accept from them" this is very true in marriage. 

I truly hope you guys work it out.


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## JustSomeGuyWho

My children come first to my wife ... by a long shot. She had a terrible childhood with a semi-absent mother and alcoholic father and I think she is compensating. 

Makes it difficult to visualize what life will be like after the children have grown. I don't have a good feeling about it.


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## Mr Blunt

Bella

If your situation is like TCL then I second what TCL said. She said

*



PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE Get help fast or get out before you end up where I am and do something you will regret forever.

Click to expand...

*
*In TCL’s case she was 7th place ALL THE TIME. Is that your situation?*

TCL’s ex-husband is pathetic! He was a pastor and he knew what the scriptures said in Ephesians. He manipulated the scriptures to take advantage of his wife for his own selfish desires. How disgusting!

I am assuming that your husband is not like TCL’s husband. You have not listed the things that TCL did and you also said




> Jamor- he is a very nice guy and good dad and a very good son and does not know how to say no to friends and family but he does know perfectly fine how to say no to me, which once again makes me feel like he puts me second! Its hard



*Bella from your posts so far it seems that the only time you are in second place is with his parents. Is that the case?* If it is and your husband is not a selfish manipulator like TLC’s husband then maybe there is hope that he can realize that he needs to reevaluate and do better for you. *That is very good reason for you both to get a third party to help your marriage*.


If he follows scriptures then he knows that he has a least two reasons to do better for you. The first is real LOVE not the movie/TV type love. The second is that it is his RESPONSIBILITY to treat you like scriptures say. You did not bend his arm to make him marry you; he married you out of his own free will. He also became the father of your children. *HE NEEDS TO MAN-UP and either love like the scriptures say or be responsible or both!*

Bella, you told us about his inconsiderations in the marriage. Are there any inconsiderations that you need to address? 
There are usually two sides to a situation like this.


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## Althea789

bellewhite-Just reading some of the responses here...I think you should use the ignore tool on some of these people. You know in your heart that what your husband is doing is not acceptable. Demanding respect is not unreasonable. Nothing you have described sounds selfish. You are being honest with your thoughts, which is something some of the people here are probably incapable of. Working on bettering your marriage is not only good for you, it is good for him and also your children. You know what's right. Stand up for it. Your husband needs a good "kick in the ass" (not literally, you know what I mean)


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## bellawhite

Thanks everyone. 
To the pastors wife, I'm so sorry you had to go through all that, but it actually doesn't suprise me that you said he is a pastor, I told my husband I'd never marry a pastor bc usually they are known for being too busy for their own family while they always tend to other peoples problems.
Mrblunt- i wish i could type more but im on my phone and its dark in my room and i have typing on the phone, im faster on a regular keyboard, but umm usually i feel it the most when it comes to his parents...but then again sometimes he is too busy to talk to bc of church, the gym, soccer, friends need a favor. So alota of times my needs come last.
Althea- thanks for being so sweet but lately i feel my husband has no patience with me, he always complains im "too difficult" but honestly he is not meeting my emotinal needs!
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