# Pretending to agree to avoid conflicts



## msrv23 (Jul 14, 2017)

Hi girls, I’m posting here because I wonder if anyone experienced this pattern and how did you feel about it and what did you try to do? Somehow it feels like it can be a typical issue in some couples, and it’d be great if there can be some insights on how to break the cycle.

Me and my husband would argue about somethings from time to time. We are both not perfect and argue in some things we don’t agree with, but I’ve noticed that he would agree with me in order to avoid conflicts. Yet it can become frustrating because I become more and more confused if when we have a conflict he is really being honest or just agreeing to avoid arguing. I noticed this because there were some times when a same issue came up and he would say the same thing again as if we never came into agreement or understanding. He himself would also say that he agrees because I’d be upset about his disagreement so he better submits to my way. I’ve told him that just as he disagrees with me I could also disagree with him but we should keep being honest as that is how problems can be solved, but he still prefers to end discussions by simply doing my way.

In the end, I feel that I can never really know when is he genuinely agreeing with me or simply became a martyr. It’s frustrating because he just pulls away from an issue with me believing it was solved, then suddenly I was the one who forced him into submission and nothing really solved.

I get that he is afraid of my reactions, but disagreements and reactions are unavoidable and ironically, I could say the same that I feel like walking on egg shells when arguing as my disagreements can trigger him as well. That just by disagreeing with him he’d say that I can’t accept his perspective and want it my way. So I can’t really disagree with him and should just accept his way as well.

I want to find a way where we both win. Where honesty can be there. Even if we clash, it’s by clashing that we can learn to communicate better. But by simply submitting to one side we can never really solve anything. Not to mention that even on his side there is actually some resentment built up.

Has anyone experienced this? What did you do to break the cycle? Thank you.


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## David Darling (Oct 22, 2016)

Hope you don't mind a quick comment from a guy.

I value domestic peace highly, and occasionally catch myself acting like your husband. It is very unhealthy behaviour though, and as you say can breed resentment.

Maybe reassure/explain to him that being assertive is a good communication skill, and not at all the same as being aggressive.

Someone will probably come along to recommend NMMNG (I haven't read it myself)

Try him with this article (and site): How to Be Assertive | The Art of Manliness

And FWIW here's my thoughts: How to Fight With your Husband (Without Killing Him Or Your Marriage)


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

OK I do this with MrH and it is something that has come up with his counsellor. He can be very defensive, to the point that I feel like he is incapable of listening to what I am actually saying. So to move on I give up and agree with him. Bad for on both our parts.

Are you an overly defensive person? If so maybe your husband is like me and thinks "why bother" so just agrees.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

@msrv23 I think this is definitely something the two of you need to address. My XH would do the same as your H, because he wanted to avoid conflict at all costs, and over time he grew to resent me because he felt like he was making all these concessions for me which I didn't appreciate, but I couldn't appreciate them because I didn't know he was making concessions in the first place! This is a toxic behavior that will eventually poison your marriage.

I think men who do this think, "Happy wife, happy life." They think that no conflict is the healthiest thing, when it really isn't. Every relationship has conflict, every couple has arguments, and it's not the conflicts themselves but how you handle them which indicates the health and stability of your relationship.

As @MrsHolland says, there may also be some unhealthy behavior in the way YOU react to conflicts as well. It's important for both people to examine their own behavior, because it's very rarely that one is 100% wrong and the other is 100% right in these situations.

Basically, you and your H have some dysfunctional communication behaviors/patterns, and you need to work together to learn better behaviors and patterns of communication. A marriage counselor would be great to help you both with this.


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## msrv23 (Jul 14, 2017)

David Darling said:


> Hope you don't mind a quick comment from a guy.
> 
> I value domestic peace highly, and occasionally catch myself acting like your husband. It is very unhealthy behaviour though, and as you say can breed resentment.
> 
> ...


Inputs from guys are welcomed too. 

We actually talked about the importance of honesty and assertivity. How it is needed to really address problems, and so on. He seemed to agree, as always, but then actually it’s his avoidance speaking and he prefers to avoid being honest to avoid conflicts. So I can’t be sure if we actually have a mutual understanding or when is he pretending to do so again.  I also tried to explain how this gives me trust issues but to no avail.

I do feel that he needs to be more assertive and no more nice guy even in other areas of his life. He just pretends to be in peace sometimes, yet how he complained and resented the situations actually made me wonder if he would talk about me the same way behind.



MrsHolland said:


> OK I do this with MrH and it is something that has come up with his counsellor. He can be very defensive, to the point that I feel like he is incapable of listening to what I am actually saying. So to move on I give up and agree with him. Bad for on both our parts.
> 
> Are you an overly defensive person? If so maybe your husband is like me and thinks "why bother" so just agrees.





FeministInPink said:


> @msrv23 I think this is definitely something the two of you need to address. My XH would do the same as your H, because he wanted to avoid conflict at all costs, and over time he grew to resent me because he felt like he was making all these concessions for me which I didn't appreciate, but I couldn't appreciate them because I didn't know he was making concessions in the first place! This is a toxic behavior that will eventually poison your marriage.
> 
> I think men who do this think, "Happy wife, happy life." They think that no conflict is the healthiest thing, when it really isn't. Every relationship has conflict, every couple has arguments, and it's not the conflicts themselves but how you handle them which indicates the health and stability of your relationship.
> 
> ...


Yes, I can be defensive indeed. We actually both can get defensive when the other raises a problem or disagreement and it was addressed in a MC session that there can be some reaction adjustment and less assumption making. Problem is he only sees this defensiveness as my problem, that when a disagreement comes it’s me who wants to be right and he is only giving his opinion. It’s ironic because he actually wants me to accept his opinions and can’t see that disagreement is just because both sides has different perspectives that can equally be valid.
Whenever he ends up agreeing with me but not really, it seems like taking the opportunity to really solve the problems. I can be wrong but if I don’t have the opportunity to face it then I can’t improve.

What’s more scary is that many things I thought we reach an agreement, in the past sessions he actually brought them up. There was blaming, how I was stubborn and all, and all the resentment that he never really communicated.

I try to be conscious that he as a man might be less in touch with emotions and be less comfortable with conflicts so I try to improve the way I express my concerns. But it’s strange how I also feel like walking on egg shells because I might trigger his need to avoid conflicts.

In the end I guess that I don’t really know how to handle or even feel about this. My own perspective is that this is a problem from both sides because as you said, it’s never a 100% blame of one side. I do have flaws in my communications too. One of my mistakes is probably too much nagging and ending up criticizing because after years of same problems, I do end up becoming less patient and more resentful.


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## Jethro (Aug 16, 2013)

Another guy's experience here. 

I would do this sometimes with my wife if I felt we were going nowhere and especially when she would get really harsh in her way of communicating with me. I'd figure, better to let her calm down and return to some sort of an agreeable state than keep her wound so tight about something that may not mean that much to me in the end. If I did try to stand my ground, often by using what I though was a rational argument (e.g., we don't have the money for it right now, etc.) she would throw back something like I never supported her or her ideas were never good enough, or maybe something like I was trying to be controlling and always had to be right. So, I would often give in and another resentment got added to the pile.

For me, it wasn't that I necessarily wanted to give in to avoid the conflict. I wanted to give in to avoid her being in a perpetual state of anger and frustration with me (which seldom worked and the result was very short-lived when it did). 

Part of the dynamic was because we just saw things differently a lot of the times. She tends to be impulsive and I am a planner. She usually argues from an emotional perspective. I am more analytical. 
She views the world with selective empathy. I was always taught to look at all sides and consider the bigger picture needs. Her temper goes from 0 to 60 in a flash. Mine is more of a slow boil/simmer. She often views the world from a perspective of what she doesn't have and I am more of a "count my blessings" type. She can hold grudges for a long time and I am more of a "live-and let-live" type.

Do you and your husband have different approaches to arguing? Do you yell at him or vice versa? Does he feel like he's being attacked if he doesn't agree with you? Keep in mind that you may not think you are doing any of these things. My wife would yell at me almost out of the blue when we had a disagreement and I could never understand where it was coming from. She would deny doing it. On the flip side, she would accuse me of "yelling" at her when I wasn't even close to raising my voice. I came to learn that to her "yelling" was synonymous with my saying something that she felt was critical of her. 

It would probably be awkward to do it, but it would be interesting to have the two of you look at a recording of one of your arguments to see how you come across to one another. 

Oh, I was almost always (maybe always) the first to apologize after a disagreement, even if I wasn't the initiator.


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

..


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## msrv23 (Jul 14, 2017)

@Jethro thanks for the input from a guy’s perspective.

It’s interesting that the dynamic in your case has some elements I’ve found in mine but at the same time different. For example you would let your wife cool off during a heated argument and that is great. I actually need space when I feel that I start to build up, but my husband works differently and he needs to talk everything in the moment which makes me feel cornered and even worse. I don’t yell, but when it builds up and I can’t cool off, I can raise voice (but not too much) and show irritability.
Although it would depend on the topic. If it’s something important to me then I’d get emotional. If it’s small stuff I might get annoyed if I feel frustrated by arguments not leading to anywhere.

He would say that he is analytical and pragmatic, thought when it was him he would complain about the same too. For example there were some instances I needed his emotional support but he gave what he said was objective opinion. But when I did the same instead of being supportive as usual (at times when I was fed up by the same issue he has without taking action) he would feel the same way I felt when it was me. Same for ideas and thoughts.

As for views of the world, I tend to be the positive one while he is more pessimistic and critical. I try to be grateful which is how I tried to cope with the lack of needs being met, as I tried to focus on how lucky it is for us to be together and have happy and stable family. I wish that he could try doing so as he has been pessimistic for a long time due which often affected the mood.

There are similarities between us, one being that we need to be more conscious of our reaction towards what the other said and not get defensive. The differences are that I can be more assertive and he can be more submissive and I acknowledge my own emotions easier (I know when I feel hurt, irritated, insecure and don’t deny it) while he internalizes his own and apparently resents it secretly.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I tend to do this by backing down and not defending my position often in everyday life.

Yesterday though, I was discussing with a coworker about how I love the outdoor steps that they built in the valley where I live, great workout and so close to home. She was like I don't like them I would rather drive into the city and do those instead as they are way better. Ordinarily I would have not said much and just let her go on, instead I said well sorry but I am not going to drive half an hour into the city to do steps that I can do here that are 2 minutes from my home and that I can do every day if I wish. 

I was kind of pleased with myself as normally I would not have defended my steps and myself for using them.

Hard for me to stand up for myself but little by little over time....

(sorry OP I hope I didn't hijack your thread)


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

How do you react when he doesn't back down and continues to disagree?

For me, there are a lot of things that I really don't care that much about, so I don't see any reason to make a big deal about them. 

Another issue I have with this is that if we disagree and I turn out to be wrong, my wife won't let me forget it.


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## msrv23 (Jul 14, 2017)

highwood said:


> I tend to do this by backing down and not defending my position often in everyday life.
> 
> Yesterday though, I was discussing with a coworker about how I love the outdoor steps that they built in the valley where I live, great workout and so close to home. She was like I don't like them I would rather drive into the city and do those instead as they are way better. Ordinarily I would have not said much and just let her go on, instead I said well sorry but I am not going to drive half an hour into the city to do steps that I can do here that are 2 minutes from my home and that I can do every day if I wish.
> 
> ...


Thanks for sharing. No you didn’t hijack the thread 

Sometimes I also hide my positions and opinions when it comes to people I’m not very close with, and not so relevant things. It feels nice when I stand up with my stance too. I guess that I feel safe with my husband even if there can be disagreements and criticisms, and then with him I also want to have an honest relationship.


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## msrv23 (Jul 14, 2017)

uhtred said:


> How do you react when he doesn't back down and continues to disagree?
> 
> For me, there are a lot of things that I really don't care that much about, so I don't see any reason to make a big deal about them.
> 
> Another issue I have with this is that if we disagree and I turn out to be wrong, my wife won't let me forget it.


Depending on the issue it can be with me simply argumenting like in a debate or feeling upset. For example if I feel upset about something and want to vent or looking for emotional support, like saying how tired I feel with the lack of sleep since we have a baby, if he disagrees and I feel invalidated then I would react upset. If it’s an impersonal topic like school rules, I keep debating.

Usually I’m the supportive one as empathy is easy for me, so he hardly complained or reacted negatively whenever he needed support. But in a few instances when I disagreed with him he would feel upset as well.

I guess that the problem is that I’m more in tune and receptive of emotions. So I feel safer to express myself or with emotional conflicts, whereas to him it stresses him out so he would avoid it.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Interesting, I've generally seen the opposite. People who are sensitive to emotions don't want to upset others. People who don't notice emotions in others don't care because they don't notice. 

I hate upsetting other people because I can too easily sense and empathize with their unhappiness.



msrv23 said:


> snip
> 
> I guess that the problem is that I’m more in tune and receptive of emotions. So I feel safer to express myself or with emotional conflicts, whereas to him it stresses him out so he would avoid it.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I must admit I'm surprised and saddened by the responses. 

Odo and I don't argue in the extreme sense of the word, nor do we back down. We present logic and emotion like adults and compromise reasonably or just accept our differences. If we couldn't handle each other's truth, then we shouldn't be together. 

I'd never want him to hold back or stiffle his thoughts, and I'd never hold back from him. If either of us held back, we would be suppressing our rights to be heard and understood, and frankly, I had enough of that garbage in my first marriage. Moreover, Odo often gives me a great deal to think about or consider when otherwise I may not have, so hearing him out actually leads me to better growth and development as a person. 

If you're always choosing to acquiesce, it'll only be so long before you're sick of it, or you see a couple like Odo and I (who are maturely confrontational in public) and you start to wonder why you still choose to "give in" when there are other ways to be, if you're willing to explore them. 

Marriage is about compromise but it should not be about consistent imbalance, hiding oneself or opinion, or appeasement for the sake of avoiding possible confrontation.

If you don't defend yourself and your views with confidence, then no one else will. Especially not your spouse /SO. We teach people how to treat us and by repressing your thoughts, you're signaling your agreement by default and the dotted line has been signed. 

My chi could never accept such self betrayal. To thine own self be true! 

JMO.


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## msrv23 (Jul 14, 2017)

@Satya I hope that someday me and my husband can achieve such relationship too. When he doesn’t stand up to himself he’s not giving me opportunity to learn better. I’m not perfect when it comes to arguing and reacting, but if in any situation I make mistakes then I have to learn to do better in order to grow. I want to be challenged and allowed to do so.

For example at the beginning of our relationship I was a student while he was working, which meant I had a lot more free time. I wanted to meet every now and then but it was tiring him so he didn’t meet me as often. Because he stood for himself, I had to learn to deal with my own insecurities and grow up and accept.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

It took me a "failed" marriage to learn a great many things, particularly things about myself and what I really wanted. I learned that more than anything, I wanted a man who would communicate with me on equal footing. Dish it AND take it so to speak. Listen AND have an opinion. Accept the same about me. 

Communication is everything to me, in all relationships, not just the romantic ones!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I am a women on a mission for a man, for men.

I asked them for an answer and got three.

The Martian said you have what he wants. He does not want to lose what he has. He has no patience to seek another.
He wants what you have under your skirt.

The Typist says he never wants to upset you. He loves your words, your song and your warmth. He loves to bring a smile to your face, glee to your heart.
So he rolls over, rolls over in bed. Toward you, away from his views. Leaving them behind him, him facing you.

Red Dog says you smell good when happy. You smell bad when in a sour mood.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Jethro said:


> Another guy's experience here.
> 
> I would do this sometimes with my wife if I felt we were going nowhere and especially when she would get really harsh in her way of communicating with me. I'd figure, better to let her calm down and return to some sort of an agreeable state than keep her wound so tight about something that may not mean that much to me in the end. If I did try to stand my ground, often by using what I though was a rational argument (e.g., we don't have the money for it right now, etc.) she would throw back something like I never supported her or her ideas were never good enough, or maybe something like I was trying to be controlling and always had to be right. So, I would often give in and another resentment got added to the pile.
> 
> ...


Good one, Jethro..

A+, from my vantage point, one disadvantaged, uh, huh..


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

I do this. I also do this to make the conversation end quicker.


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## Davidmidwest (Nov 22, 2016)

Hi avoidant conflict style like this will destroy a marriage. My wife and did that for a decade. I wish I had these tools. Both of you devour all John Gottman marriage books. Both of you need to nip this in the but, It is something he learned and picked up as a child and adolescence how things work from his parent or others.. Here is your life line,

What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal and What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal and The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert
by John Gottman, Nan Silver


Goodluck to you,

Hi,
He is obligated to you to fix this, but together. 



Here is a life line, but both must want it...
Good luck
David.

You both need to listen to the audio CD book by Dr. Laura Schlessinger, Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage. and all the mariage books by John Gottman, P.H.D. It will be the best thing you ever do for each other, Give love and appreciation as if you were to see your spouse the last time. You will get 100 x more love in return, It works.


These are the instruction manuals if you both love each other and want to be married to age 92. The day of marriage isn't the end goal, The end goal is what you are going to accomplish together. Look up the work Beshera and Marriage within a marriage in the book/read this one too...How to stop looking for someone perfect and find someone to love by Judith Sills,Book No more perfect Marriages; Mark and Jill Savage

What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal
byJohn Gottman Ph.D.

Customer Review
5.0 out of 5 starsMUST MUST READ, LISTEN TO AUDIO BOOK, AND DO EXERCISES. MARRIAGE DEPENDS ON IT.
ByDavid L.on February 13, 2017
Format: Paperback|Verified Purchase
A must read along with this 7 principles and 10 things. Every couple should listen to the audio book and read the book or get the books to do the exercises. They should learn these principles in this book and apply them. It is the hardest thing you can do is deal with feelings, ask for needs met that both win. It really could save a marriage and get both on track for a more satisfying relationship, intimacy inside and outside the bedroom. I wish I had this book before the last horsemen came to our house, "contempt." by that stage the relationship is done with no chance of recommencement. A must do before marriage and after. What I mean to talk to your spouse and lay it on the line is hard for wive's and husband's to communicate so close that you become one person. It's scary. There just be enough trust to share but you have to because it gets to the bottom of problems after emotions and feelings, then needs are met. You will feel naked, afraid, embarrassed, and maybe reconnect. Good luck. Another poster did not like the analogies. But the analogies about boxes, outside the zone, or where you close yourself off to your partner are good. The author explains why we close each other off, don't get close via emotional and sensually sexual to bond. The author tells us how to fix it. I would even say to Gottman's retreats and get a marriage counselor too to work through the issues that repeatedly come up and don't change. The three books I mentioned along with the Audio CD's is a must. Please buy them. It can save a marriage. It is amazing how stupid we act when a woman don't get the feeling of being emotionally close to her husband and listened to and a husband isn't admired and thought of a good man and provider. You will learn how to relate by learning opportunities tha build each other up and not tear down. Women bond due to emotional level that is given from the husband. The the husband provides an emotional connection which equals many lovable payoffs to a husband. The wife provides admiration and affection the husband. He will feel wonderful and provide multiple communicative and affectionate actions toward his wife in which she will love and reciprocate more freely.


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