# My wife likes women on women porn and her vibrator more than me



## 40ish (Jul 27, 2020)

Lately my wife has been more interested in secretly watching women on women porn on her phone while using her vibrator in the bathtub, instead of having sex with me.

It has happened the last 3 times we have gone out to the bar over the last month or so. We have been drinking and messing around and are both turned on, she will say, I’m going to take a bath really quick to get cleaned up. She grabs her phone and heads into the bathroom and takes care of herself with her vibrator in the tub while I’m waiting in bed for her. When she comes out she says she is too tired and that I should just take care of myself. What?! Has anyone else had this problem? And if so, how have you dealt with it?


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

that's not cool. Everyone has times they just need to self service, but if it is regular denials to you, that is not cool. How do you know that is what is happening when she is in the tub? Does she tell you that she watched porn and masturbated?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Are you bad in bed? How much time and effort do you put into HER when you have sex? 

Stop and think about .... no I’m serious... really..... think about it?

How hard do you try to make sure she is getting what SHE needs ?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

How do you know that's what she's doing?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

maybe you should join her in the tub next time...also i would directly ask her is she is bisexual.


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## 40ish (Jul 27, 2020)

Thanks for the quick replies!

I know what she is doing because I walked in on her. She was on her phone and the vibrator was sitting on the tub. At the time I had no idea what she was looking at, I was just coming in to get hopefully get in the tub with her lol. She was a little embarrassed about using it but I thought no big deal. Until it kept happening.
I don’t have a habit of checking her phone, I never have and she doesn’t check mine. But when I looked at her search history and saw “girls having sex with girls” and “ girls sucking tits” I knew what she was getting off to. 

The last time it happened was just a few days ago. We had just gotten back from the bar and were both a little stoned and drunk, I was fingering her on the couch and could tell she was really wet so I said that we should go upstairs to the bedroom. Instead she said I should go take care of myself in the bathroom. What?! As soon as I went to the bathroom she grabbed her phone and bolted upstairs and turned on the tub and proceeded to watch girl on girl porn while she got off with her vibrator. WTF?! I totally get her doing that when I’m at work or out of town but when I’m literally right there? And would love to help her out? I’m hoping it’s just a phase, and I’m trying not to let my feeling get hurt, but I’m feeling a little left out. 
We generally have a pretty good sex life. I almost always go down on her till she is finished then I finish. 

We have used the vibrator before together, she has used it with me watching so it’s not new that she has it or knows how to use it. 
Maybe I’m over thinking it but it just make me feel bad when I’m literally ready to go but she chooses plastic and porn to me. She knows I would gladly watch or even help!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I guess that's her way of making sure she gets off, but yeah, seems like a conversation that needs to be had. She should be able to get herself off, of course, but not fair you're doing all the work and then she's running off! You need to ask her what's up.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I think your over thinking it like you say. Don’t paint her toy in a negative light... that won’t help either of you. Just let it go..... for a while. See if it becomes an ongoing issue as it could be just a phase. No use in making trouble just yet.


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## 40ish (Jul 27, 2020)

Married_in_michigan said:


> that's not cool. Everyone has times they just need to self service, but if it is regular denials to you, that is not cool. How do you know that is what is happening when she is in the tub? Does she tell you that she watched porn and masturbated?


I walked in on her not knowing what she was doing. She was on her phone and the vibrator was on the tub. She said she was just getting it ready for us. The next time it was a similar situation, we had been drinking and she said she was going to take a quick bath. Not to be a creeper but I peeked under the door just in time to here her finish and when she sat up she had her phone in one hand, the vibrator in the other. She has no idea that I know.


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## 40ish (Jul 27, 2020)

Mr.Married said:


> Are you bad in bed? How much time and effort do you put into HER when you have sex?
> 
> Stop and think about .... no I’m serious... really..... think about it?
> 
> How hard do you try to make sure she is getting what SHE needs ?


I think I’m ok in bed lol. We have a pretty good time and I always make sure she is finished before I finish. We use toys and other stuff to keep things interesting. My wife isn’t the most affectionate person but after a few drinks she is usually ready to go. Historically we would mess around and move to the bedroom and have sex but the last 4 times over the last month or so we have drank she has made an excuse to head to the bathroom with her phone. I would totally watch girl on girl porn with her while she used her vibrator, she knows I would. I’m not sure what is going on but it makes me feel really bad when I’m literally ready to go and she ops for plastic. If I was out of town or at work I totally get it, just not when I’m right there.


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## 40ish (Jul 27, 2020)

Lostinthought61 said:


> maybe you should join her in the tub next time...also i would directly ask her is she is bisexual.





bobert said:


> How do you know that's what she's doing?


 Not to be a creeper but I peeked under the door after I suspected what was going on. It’s a turn on to watch her but get off but I feel bad being left out. It’s so weird...


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

40ish said:


> Not to be a creeper but I peeked under the door after I suspected what was going on. It’s a turn on to watch her but get off but I feel bad being left out. It’s so weird...


What door has enough space under it to peek under AND see into the tub, and clearly see the porn, and her masturbating?


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## 40ish (Jul 27, 2020)

bobert said:


> What door has enough space under it to peek under AND see into the tub, and clearly see the porn, and her masturbating?


I looked thru the viewfinder on my phone...the gap under the door is only about an inch but the tub is right there. I couldn’t see her at first, she was down below the tub wall. But I heard her get off and when she sat up she had the phone in one hand, her vibrator in the other...sounds creepy I know. Trust me, I’m not a creeper lol. We have a great marriage, totally love each other to death, laugh all the time. Usually when we would go out for drinks we would end up in the bed, lately not so much. I’m just trying to figure out what may be going on...


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## 40ish (Jul 27, 2020)

bobert said:


> What door has enough space under it to peek under AND see into the tub, and clearly see the porn, and her masturbating?





bobert said:


> What door has enough space under it to peek under AND see into the tub, and clearly see the porn, and her masturbating?


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## 40ish (Jul 27, 2020)




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## 40ish (Jul 27, 2020)

Don’t get me wrong, I’d rather have her searching girl on girl and not something else that rhymes with big socks...lol 😬


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

40ish said:


> View attachment 70572


Okay, fair enough. I saw both pictures and I'll believe you now. 



40ish said:


> Don’t get me wrong, I’d rather have her searching girl on girl and not something else that rhymes with big socks...lol 😬


Don't be so sure about that... If she's no long interested in men then you have a problem on your hands.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

40ish said:


> We have a great marriage, totally love each other to death


Let me ask you this... If you have a great marriage, then why is she lying and turning down sex? That doesn't sound like a great marriage to me. At minimum there is poor communication. At worst she's a lesbian.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

40ish said:


> ...the last 4 times over the last month or so we have drank she has made an excuse to head to the bathroom with her phone.


I remember reading an article about a situation in which roles were reversed and the wife discovered her husband was running off to self service instead of being with her. She refilled his favorite bottle of hand lotion with numbing cream. Perhaps that was not a real story and it is just an urban legend.

But use this story to perhaps come up with some creative ideas. For example you can setup a pretty clever and custom auto correct dictionary on your wife's phone. A funny example would be to correct "now" to "meow." So when someone texts, "please come right now" it is corrected to say, "please come right meow." Considering your wife is somewhat drunk when she does this, it should be pretty effective:

AUTOCORRECT:
girls = grills
sex = six
licking = liking
tits = tilts
suck = sock
boobs = bulbs 
girlongirl = sirloin grill
and so on...

That way when she searches, "sirloin grill six liking and sock tilts" she will get frustrated and you make your move!

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## 40ish (Jul 27, 2020)

bobert said:


> Let me ask you this... If you have a great marriage, then why is she lying and turning down sex? That doesn't sound like a great marriage to me. At minimum there is poor communication. At worst she's a lesbian.


That’s a really good question and the reason I’m here looking for advice...


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## 40ish (Jul 27, 2020)

badsanta said:


> I remember reading an article about a situation in which roles were reversed and the wife discovered her husband was running off to self service instead of being with her. She refilled his favorite bottle of hand lotion with numbing cream. Perhaps that was not a real story and it is just an urban legend.
> 
> But use this story to perhaps come up with some creative ideas. For example you can setup a pretty clever and custom auto correct dictionary on your wife's phone. A funny example would be to correct "now" to "meow." So when someone texts, "please come right now" it is corrected to say, "please come right meow." Considering your wife is somewhat drunk when she does this, it should be pretty effective:
> 
> ...


Lol. That’s a great idea! Ha ha.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So, maybe after she gets out of the bath, you should have girl-on-girl porn playing on your bedroom tv?


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## 40ish (Jul 27, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> So, maybe after she gets out of the bath, you should have girl-on-girl porn playing on your bedroom tv?


We have watched a few porns over the years of marriage. She has never shown any interest. If she sees girls kissing she always says it’s gross which was why I was so surprised when I saw it in her search history. I’m not sure what to think...


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

40ish said:


> We have watched a few porns over the years of marriage. She has never shown any interest. If she sees girls kissing she always says it’s gross which was why I was so surprised when I saw it in her search history. I’m not sure what to think...


You could always just say, well if YOU can watch it, then so can I..... Would certainly start a conversation about it...
BUT, in all seriousness, you should try to figure out why all of a sudden she has this interest....


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

My wife has a purple one also. You think we could get them to trade pictures? That would be awesome!!!
😈😈


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## 40ish (Jul 27, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> You could always just say, well if YOU can watch it, then so can I..... Would certainly start a conversation about it...
> BUT, in all seriousness, you should try to figure out why all of a sudden she has this interest....


Yeah, I can’t imagine if the shoe were on the other foot and it was me leaving her wanting on the bed while I masterbated to gay porn in the tub...she may have some questions for me...


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## 40ish (Jul 27, 2020)

Mr.Married said:


> My wife has a purple one also. You think we could get them to trade pictures? That would be awesome!!!
> 😈😈


Yeah, she kind of likes it...maybe too much. Lol. She has used it many a time while doing “shows” for me which is why I’m wondering about this recent secrecy...


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

40ish said:


> Yeah, I can’t imagine if the shoe were on the other foot and it was me leaving her wanting on the bed while I masterbated to gay porn in the tub...she may have some questions for me...


Have the talk with her and let her know that you know and ask her this question. Sex is meant to be shared between husband and wife. She is doing you wrong.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I think people are getting distracted by lez porn and vibrator. 

The real issue here is she is rejecting him even though she is in an aroused state and physiologically capable of having sex. 

Let's keep a few basic differences between the boys and the girls in mind here. If men have a good orgasm and completely drain the tank, they will have a refractory period that can last from 20-30 minutes to a couple days depending on age/hormone levels/general health etc etc. 

Women on the other hand generally don't have much of a refractory period and a young, healthy woman can have many orgasms and often times one orgasm will just make them want to have another. 

This is either an attraction issue or a relationship issue. 

She is getting aroused in social settings but then not wanting to have sex with him. 

I am generally not anti-porn and think porn has it's place. 

However when someone, man or woman, is using porn in lieu of an active sex life with a willing partner, there is a problem and the roots of the problem usually begins prior to the porn use. 

People disagree and argue with me on this but IMHO if someone is spanking to porn and leaving their partner high and dry (no pun intended but it fits perfectly in this instance) I don't see a big distinction between that and getting it on with another person in the flesh. 

How is it really any different if she is having sex with her phone and a vibrator and then stiff-arming him after a night out vs getting down with some biker in the ladies room on GNO and then turning him down when she gets home because she got her arousal out of her system and preferred the biker? 

That all being said, the issue here is not really the porn/vibrator. The issue here is why is she rejecting him and preferring the porn/vibrator. 

It's obviously not a hormonal/physiological issue she is in a state or arousal and is capable of orgasm etc. 

That leaves an attraction issue or a relationship issue or a 3rd party issue (the porn/vibe may be the 3rd party) 

We know that she is getting down with the porn/vibe, so that is a good place to start. My recommendation is to start treating the porn/vibe as you would if she was seeing another man/woman and then peel back more layers to determine why she is rejecting you when she is obviously in a sexually responsive state.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

just a thought that might be the case for you. My experience was a bit different, but might be something relatable. 

My wife also fantasizes about girl on girl sex. She gets uncomfortable about it and sometimes feels shame, but when she is horny, that is mostly where her mind goes and fantasies go to. It is likely an imprinting from early years, but either way...that is what her mind favors for sexual turn on. 

A few times in the past, she skipped sex with me, to choose to masturbate while fantasizing about a girl going down on her. She told me about it, in a round about way (not realizing that I knew it was right after she turned me down for sex). In that moment, she was horny and wanted sex, but it was because she had fantasized about a girl eating her out and she wanted to let that fantasy take her to the finish, and she knew if we were having sex together it would not allow her to as easily slip away mentally. It has been only rare and seems to happen a couple in a short period, then not for a long time.

Maybe same issue going on for you? Maybe your wife gets really turned on my the girl on girl porn and feels if you are with her, she cannot fantasize while she gets off? 

Maybe see if it just goes away and is faze


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## 40ish (Jul 27, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> I think people are getting distracted by lez porn and vibrator.
> 
> The real issue here is she is rejecting him even though she is in an aroused state and physiologically capable of having sex.
> 
> ...


Thank you for the thoughtful and informative post! 

My wife is usually stressed about one thing or another during the week - the kids, COVID-19, our business or whatever so sex is a no-go during the week. The weekends are our chance to go out and have a few drinks and de-stress, but now with most bars and clubs closed its added another layer of stress. In the past we would go out, drink and dance or whatever and come back and have sex, so I could count on it at least a few times a month. If we don't either go out and drink, or have a couple on Friday or Saturday night my wife would never be in the mood to have sex. Now when we go out I am wondering if when we get home will she head to the bathroom to take care of business without me? It honestly sucks. She knows I would love to be involved, we are, or were, totally open to that kind of stuff. She has had a few UTI infections lately and maybe it all stems from that? It could be as simple as her doing herself doesn't lead to a UTI? I always shower before we go out so it's not like I'm less clean than her vibrator...I'm at a loss here.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

40ish said:


> Thank you for the thoughtful and informative post!
> 
> My wife is usually stressed about one thing or another during the week - the kids, COVID-19, our business or whatever so sex is a no-go during the week. The weekends are our chance to go out and have a few drinks and de-stress, but now with most bars and clubs closed its added another layer of stress. In the past we would go out, drink and dance or whatever and come back and have sex, so I could count on it at least a few times a month. If we don't either go out and drink, or have a couple on Friday or Saturday night my wife would never be in the mood to have sex. Now when we go out I am wondering if when we get home will she head to the bathroom to take care of business without me? It honestly sucks. She knows I would love to be involved, we are, or were, totally open to that kind of stuff. She has had a few UTI infections lately and maybe it all stems from that? It could be as simple as her doing herself doesn't lead to a UTI? I always shower before we go out so it's not like I'm less clean than her vibrator...I'm at a loss here.


Well, you aren't going to find anything out without talking to HER about it...she's the only one with all your answers.


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## 40ish (Jul 27, 2020)

Married_in_michigan said:


> just a thought that might be the case for you. My experience was a bit different, but might be something relatable.
> 
> My wife also fantasizes about girl on girl sex. She gets uncomfortable about it and sometimes feels shame, but when she is horny, that is mostly where her mind goes and fantasies go to. It is likely an imprinting from early years, but either way...that is what her mind favors for sexual turn on.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the informative post! 

The last time my wife ditched me for porn and her vibrator we had gone out to the bar and were both a little drunk, we were actually looking at naked pictures of her on my phone and I could tell she was getting turned on. Maybe it is exactly what you said, she was imaging a girl going down on her. It was so weird because I know she had been having a stressful week so I bought her flowers and we went out for a nice dinner and then to the bar. I was hoping her stress level would drop and we could have a relaxing night followed by great sex. It totally sucked when she could see that I was ready to go but instead said "You should go take care of that in the bathroom". WHAT! I said no way, lets go upstairs but she kept saying just go take care of yourself. Literally as soon as I shut the door to the bathroom I heard her run upstairs. I sure hope its a phase. I may wait and see what happens but its really wearing on me...

Thanks again!


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

My wife didn’t get her pictures yet ... just kidding?? 😈

Anyways so yeah ... the UTI thing. It’s likely because she has a jelly rabbit type vibrator. The only type of sex toy that is 100% body safe is a silicon one. They aren’t porous like the rest so they don’t grow bacteria or whatever.
No need to go ape sh!t safety police though cause my wife has some of those and hasn’t had any issues but her results may vary.

Of course if she is ready to run off to Vegas and marry purple bunny she will never believe you.

We-Vibe .... buy one.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Please tell me that is not a real pic of your wife in the tub you posted.


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## 40ish (Jul 27, 2020)

Spicy said:


> Please tell me that is not a real pic of your wife in the tub you posted.


Sure is. Why not?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

have you thought to hide her vibrators on those nights?


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

I know it sucks having a wife doing herself with her best mechanical friend, with he her phone as an accomplice. LOL

You need to talk to her. You need to find out from her if she has decided to become a lesbian. She might be bi-curious. Ask her if this is the case.

You have the evidence, collected rightly or wrongly. You caught her outright in the tub. You just need to find out from her where she is at. Tell her you have needs too. Find out why she is avoiding sex with you. FInd out if the fear of pregnacy is why she avoids you.

Offer to watch the girl on girl porn with her. Offer to go to see a sex counselor. Offer her a divorce. Offer to move out.

You need to get to the bottom of it.

I'm now stuck in a sexless marriage. I actually wish me wife was doing herself instead of being asexual!


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

40ish said:


> Lately my wife has been more interested in secretly watching women on women porn on her phone while using her vibrator in the bathtub, instead of having sex with me.
> 
> It has happened the last 3 times we have gone out to the bar over the last month or so. We have been drinking and messing around and are both turned on, she will say, I’m going to take a bath really quick to get cleaned up. She grabs her phone and heads into the bathroom and takes care of herself with her vibrator in the tub while I’m waiting in bed for her. When she comes out she says she is too tired and that I should just take care of myself. What?! Has anyone else had this problem? And if so, how have you dealt with it?


Well, since you seem to know exactly what it is she is doing then call her out on it point blank. Question whether she is bi and into women since that is what she is watching, call out her doing herself instead of you doing each other, call out her withholding intimacy, ask her what is up. 

To be honest, I do not think it is healthy for a marriage for either party to watch porn. Anyway, if you know what it is she is going to do, stop her, skip the bath...or take a 1 minute rinse off shower, or join her in the shower. 

Call this out, discuss it and all of its angles and repercussions openly, tell her exactly how it is making you feel.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

40ish said:


> Sure is. Why not?


It makes us automatically suspicious of your intentions here. Which I am.


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## 40ish (Jul 27, 2020)

Cletus said:


> It makes us automatically suspicious of your intentions here. Which I am.


What do you mean? Suspicious of my intentions? My intentions are to see if anyone else has had the same or similar situations and what they did to resolve it. What do you think my intentions are?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Folks, doesn't matter -- the pic has been removed (at least I don't see it there anymore -- just a screen capture....)


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

40ish, you came in 2nd to a vibrator! You are captive to a cakeater. Do a 180. Better yet, file on her. She's having a PA with an instrument!


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## johanan (Jul 30, 2020)

man this is really bad i would say you should buy different vibrators for her and do it yourself in the bed with. I hope that would really help you.


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## 40ish (Jul 27, 2020)

ah_sorandy said:


> I know it sucks having a wife doing herself with her best mechanical friend, with he her phone as an accomplice. LOL
> 
> You need to talk to her. You need to find out from her if she has decided to become a lesbian. She might be bi-curious. Ask her if this is the case.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the thoughtful response! 

I agree, I need to talk with her. I am just honestly worried that she won't tell me what is really going on, as sad as that sounds. When I talked to her 2 of the 4 times she has done it, she has not openly admitted what she was doing. One time she said she was just getting in the mood for me and would be out in a minute, the other time she said she asked me for batteries she was just getting it ready for us to use. She has never admitted to looking at lesbian porn to get off. Both times I was ready in bed for her and she said I should just take care of myself. My wife does get UTI's pretty easy, she has used that as a reason lately to not have sex with me but will do herself in the bath... 

We have been married 25 years and lately our sex life has been pretty good, our kids are older so we can go out more often which leads to drinking, dancing and socializing. We live where pot is legal also so it helps to make for a fun relaxing evening that usually ends with sex. After a night out I could count on either sex or her using her vibrator while I watched, the last 4 times we have had the opportunity she has headed to the bathroom with her phone. The next day I check her browser history and see what she was looking at. 

I know it sounds like I am snooping on my wife, and being a creeper by spying under the door while she is having alone time in the bath, but it's only because I am trying to figure out what is going on, it's totally out of her character to act this way. In all of our 25 years I have never checked her phone, and she has never checked mine. We both have each others passwords and free access to each others phones. 

Her actions may be due to stress, the kids, the risk of UTI or something else. Just trying to figure it all out...


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## 40ish (Jul 27, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> Folks, doesn't matter -- the pic has been removed (at least I don't see it there anymore -- just a screen capture....)


I took it down. It was so you all could see what I saw to know this is a real situation, not a made up story. I'm just hoping someone on here has had a similar situation and can offer advice, not to be a creeper.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Not creepy at all, there should be no secrets in a marriage, yet your W hides this huge secret.

I would also suggest you monitor your Ws social interactions and devices is there a female she is especially close to or has grown close to recently? Does she flirt with other women when you go out.

It's also possible she had a girl-girl relationship in her past she is now remembering fondly. It's almost a cliche that after a certain age people communicate with or have an affair with some romantic someone from their history.

The long term part of this is if she continues to lose attraction to you and you gradually become sexless as a couple or sex becomes just you orgasming. It can happen really slowly that you barely even notice.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

OK, thinking about this some more, it's not that much different from a thread about men using porn and in that case, I'd point out that one of the biggest dangers of porn use isn't addiction and unrealistic expectations, but that it helps you avoid talking about a real issue (a sex issue with your partner). OP's wife may be avoiding a discussion that needs to be had.

Another thing that pops out at me is that, for OP and his wife, sex is associated with getting drunk or stoned. That's how they've chosen to have a good time. Which is maybe ok, maybe not... use of a vibrator might not be that far removed from drinking or smoking pot... because somehow, sex has lost... something... it isn't happening unless something else enables it.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

You have two options.
Option one, you have a discussion with her, tell her that you know what is going one and that you find it disrespectful. See what you can draw out of her with this discussion. If she won't open up, ratchet back from her. Give her a soft 180 cold shoulder to draw her out. Decide what an appropriate course of action is for both of you.
Option two, you go out on the weekend and follow your usual regimen. When you get home, make sure you are the first in the bathroom with your phone. Draw yourself a bath, take care of business, and give her a dose of what she has given you. Doubt she will like it much. Tell her she can take care of herself, and take yourself to the guest room for the night. Breakfast the next morning should make for an interesting debriefing session.
Obviously option one is a more mature approach; however, option two will achieve the same result and show her how rejection feels. 
Either approach should draw her out, which is the desired result.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

This may just be a fantasy she would never act on in real life. Sexuality isn't just straight or gay, it's every fractional increment in between. If it were roles reversed, I'd be even more convinced that a guy had tried it in the past or would try it in the future, and certainly she might have and still might try to as well. It shows she has bisexual interest. While I don't think anyone has the right to tell their spouse if or how to masturbate (I think everyone should), it has gotten to where it's impinging on your sex life some when she gets up and leaves to get herself off. You do need to talk to her. You do NOT need to EVER tell her you peeked on her or she will go straight to the divorce attorney. That was just wrong. That was private. You don't have that right. 

But yes, you need to find out if she's been feeling like exploring her bisexuality lately and let her know you're worried about it. Don't make it all about you and your needs though. Just find out what's going on and if it's a life change or just a fantasy she either has engaged in in the past or a new one.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

bobert said:


> Don't be so sure about that... If she's no long interested in men then you have a problem on your hands.


Yeah, she's either bi or les.

Before he goes any further he needs her to clarify that.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Yeah, she's either bi or les.
> 
> Before he goes any further he needs her to clarify that.


Isn't les bi called straight?


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## 40ish (Jul 27, 2020)

TAMAT said:


> Not creepy at all, there should be no secrets in a marriage, yet your W hides this huge secret.
> 
> I would also suggest you monitor your Ws social interactions and devices is there a female she is especially close to or has grown close to recently? Does she flirt with other women when you go out.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the suggestions. After 25 years of marriage I think, or thought I knew my wife really well. I literally NEVER checked up on her, or looked at her search history until this whole thing came about. She is not the most tech savvy person and never clears her search history that I know about, but like I said in 25 years I have never checked her phone, never had a reason to. We have a really trusting marriage, I have lived away from my family for work a few times and I didn't worry at all about her cheating or anything, and she didn't worry about me. That's why this new situation has me so confused. I really need to talk with her, I guess I'm just worried what she will say?


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## 40ish (Jul 27, 2020)

Casual Observer said:


> OK, thinking about this some more, it's not that much different from a thread about men using porn and in that case, I'd point out that one of the biggest dangers of porn use isn't addiction and unrealistic expectations, but that it helps you avoid talking about a real issue (a sex issue with your partner). OP's wife may be avoiding a discussion that needs to be had.
> 
> Another thing that pops out at me is that, for OP and his wife, sex is associated with getting drunk or stoned. That's how they've chosen to have a good time. Which is maybe ok, maybe not... use of a vibrator might not be that far removed from drinking or smoking pot... because somehow, sex has lost... something... it isn't happening unless something else enables it.


Thanks for the reply. I have actually brought this up with my wife. We used to have a pretty good sex life but then kids entered the mix. Add to that money and job stress and its a sex killer. My wife said she can't relax and do it when the kids are right next door. Literally the only time we do it is when we have been drinking, I can't remember the last time we did it sober...


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## 40ish (Jul 27, 2020)

Tdbo said:


> You have two options.
> Option one, you have a discussion with her, tell her that you know what is going one and that you find it disrespectful. See what you can draw out of her with this discussion. If she won't open up, ratchet back from her. Give her a soft 180 cold shoulder to draw her out. Decide what an appropriate course of action is for both of you.
> Option two, you go out on the weekend and follow your usual regimen. When you get home, make sure you are the first in the bathroom with your phone. Draw yourself a bath, take care of business, and give her a dose of what she has given you. Doubt she will like it much. Tell her she can take care of herself, and take yourself to the guest room for the night. Breakfast the next morning should make for an interesting debriefing session.
> Obviously option one is a more mature approach; however, option two will achieve the same result and show her how rejection feels.
> Either approach should draw her out, which is the desired result.


You speak the truth! I really want to just confront her with the situation but I'm worried that she won't tell me the truth because she's worried that it will hurt my feelings. I really just want her to tell me the truth but don't know if it will happen. I agree that it can't go on, the last time it happened I literally couldn't believe it. For her to say I should go take care of myself and then the second I turned my back she bolted upstairs to the porn and vibrator was a killer. I may wait for the next time we go out and see what happens...


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## 40ish (Jul 27, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> This may just be a fantasy she would never act on in real life. Sexuality isn't just straight or gay, it's every fractional increment in between. If it were roles reversed, I'd be even more convinced that a guy had tried it in the past or would try it in the future, and certainly she might have and still might try to as well. It shows she has bisexual interest. While I don't think anyone has the right to tell their spouse if or how to masturbate (I think everyone should), it has gotten to where it's impinging on your sex life some when she gets up and leaves to get herself off. You do need to talk to her. You do NOT need to EVER tell her you peeked on her or she will go straight to the divorce attorney. That was just wrong. That was private. You don't have that right.
> 
> But yes, you need to find out if she's been feeling like exploring her bisexuality lately and let her know you're worried about it. Don't make it all about you and your needs though. Just find out what's going on and if it's a life change or just a fantasy she either has engaged in in the past or a new one.


Thanks for the thoughts. I can't imagine if the roles were reversed - If she had her hand down my pants and I said I was not in the mood when I CLEARLY was, but I said she should just go take care of herself and I went in the tub and looked at gay porn while I used some mechanism to get off. She would FREAK OUT and think I need counseling, probably divorce me. I am ok with her using her vibrator, that's why I bought it. The thing that crushes me the most is that she uses it when I am literally right there, ready to go! If she used it while I'm at work or on a business trip I totally get it, but when I am being replaced, its no good. I take care of myself a few times a week because I know sex is out of the question but I would NEVER turn my wife down for alone time, never. 

As far as the porn goes, I think girl on girl is very hot. I would love to watch it with my wife. I don't think she would go for it though because she wouldn't like me getting off by watching other women. She has always told me women's bodies are way more attractive than a wiener and saggy nuts. I agree with her but I didn't think she was actually attracted to women like that. 

And yes, I will NEVER tell her that I was spying on her. I don't want to lose the trust we have/had. I will approach it differently. It may just be a phase...


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## 40ish (Jul 27, 2020)

RandomDude said:


> Yeah, she's either bi or les.
> 
> Before he goes any further he needs her to clarify that.


I REALLY hope that isn't the case, that would be crushing...I will ask her the hard questions when the time is right. I may wait till we go out again and see what happens...


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

40ish said:


> You speak the truth! I really want to just confront her with the situation but I'm worried that she won't tell me the truth because she's worried that it will hurt my feelings. I really just want her to tell me the truth but don't know if it will happen. I agree that it can't go on, the last time it happened I literally couldn't believe it. For her to say I should go take care of myself and then the second I turned my back she bolted upstairs to the porn and vibrator was a killer. I may wait for the next time we go out and see what happens...


Everyone has those things that they value the most. For me it is honesty and respect. For me, "No" is not an answer to either of these values.
If she is bi or lesbian, you have a right to know that. It is your relationship as well, and you should have the right to deal with that information and preference as you see fit.
This isn't really about her masturbating either (she can do that during her alone time or integrate that appropriately into your activity), this is about her outright disrespecting you on your mutual time together.
Here's an option three (if she won't open up.) Before you go out, have an overnight bag packed. If she does her run to the bath, simply grab the bag, leave, and get a room for the night. Let her discover you gone. You will find out real quick the value and esteem she holds you in when she freaks.
This is the nuclear last resort option, however if more honorable means fail, sometimes one has to resort to the proper tool for the job.
She is disrespecting you. To quote one of my favorite phrases, which it took me seven years to learn in my own relationship, people can only treat you like crap with your permission.


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## 40ish (Jul 27, 2020)

Ok, so we had THE TALK...

I was heading to the store to pick up stuff to go camping, she asked me to get double A batteries...which led to a few questions about why. I asked her why, when we are together and in the mood, she chooses the vibe over me lately. She denied it at first. She asked how I knew that? I told her, "Remember when I walked in on you in the tub and you were on your phone with the vibe on the bath?" She said she was just in the mood to relax in the tub with with her vibe and get off by herself instead of me, and that she was playing solitaire on her phone. I told her I would NEVER choose to get myself off when sex with my wife was an option, it's just weird that we are both in the mood, but instead of having sex with each other, we each go to different bathrooms and get off by ourselves??? She said she just didn't want to risk a UTI. She said she feels out of shape and not sexy. She said the boys are in the room next door and she cant relax. She also said that she didn't want the pressure of performance, just wanted alone time.

I said that if that's the case can I just watch? You do you and I will take care of myself? We have done that multiple times before so why not? She said "In 25 years of marriage I want to get off 1 time in the tub instead of with you and you freak out"? She said I was selfish to not understand that its not a big deal to want alone time instead of sex. I said its not the alone time that bothers me, its her choosing to have alone time when I am right there! She said the only time she is in the mood is when we have gone out and are drinking, she's not in the mood any other time, so she's not in the mood when she is alone during the week, only when I prime the pump. She asked me how many times I take care of myself? I told her that I take care of myself a few times a week, while looking at pictures of her on my phone (she sends me random stuff, and I have taken pictures while we are together) but I would never choose that over the real thing.

She wouldn't admit it has happened 4 times and that she looked at girl on girl porn each time. She also didn't offer up what she was looking at on her phone until I kept asking questions. She accused me of snooping thru her phone and that I didn't trust her. She was super mad and said that all trust was lost because I was checking up on her and going thru her phone. She asked how I knew what she was looking at? I told her that my phone was downstairs and that she asked me to look on her phone, when I opened the browser it was right there. She said she actually knew I saw it but didn't say anything. When she finally did admit that she was looking at girl on girl porn, she said it was because she was just curious. She would only admit that it was one time for a minute and that she didn't even get off on it, when in reality it has been 4 different times and I know she got off each time by looking at it and using her vibrator, I was literally on the bed waiting for her when I heard her get off in the tub, she wasn't quiet. I wish she would just come clean and say what she was doing. I don't know if she is embarrassed or what it is. I asked her if she gets turned on by looking at girl on girl porn but she kept changing the subject and would not answer the question.

I also asked her if she is attracted to other girls, she isn't thinking of switching sides? She did not like that AT ALL. She was super mad that I would even ask. She tried to leave and say she can't even talk to me right now. I said I am only asking because something has been happening and I am trying to figure it all out. I said Her Uncle switched sides after 25 years of marriage and 8 kids later. My good friend from high school's wife switched after 15 years and 3 kids so it happens. She said it doesn't happen to us! So she denied leaning toward becoming lesbian.

We actually ended up having sex the morning after the talk so she doesn't totally hate me although she has made a few wise cracks about our conversation like "When you went down on me this morning I was thinking about a girl from the video doing it" and when I gave her a flower and she said "Great, that's the lesbians favorite flower". Then she rolls her eyes and said "2020 just keeps getting better". I guess we will see what happens; if she changes the password on her phone, what other wise cracks she says, if she keeps bringing up the talk or just lets it go. I am not going to bring it up again and wait and see, the ball is in her court now. 

I have mixed feelings now. She knows my concerns and admitted some of what I know is happening, but did not fully come clean. Why can't she just tell me she likes to watch girl on girl porn while she gets off in the tub? I think it's because she is embarrassed? Or that she is hiding something else? So now she is mad at me and doesn't trust me anymore and I didn't really find out what is going on. Great. And if it is as simple as she is just going thru a temporary phase with a fantasy I just ruined it for her (and me) - to be truthful it turns me on that she is doing herself while looking at girl on girl porn. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything and just waited to see what happened...I wish she would have just said " Yeah I was looking at it, it turns me on. Do you want to watch it with me next time"? That would have been way more simple...now what?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

40ish said:


> ...
> She said she just didn't want to risk a UTI.
> ...
> She said the only time she is in the mood is when we have gone out and are drinking, she's not in the mood any other time, so she's not in the mood when she is alone during the week, only when I prime the pump.
> ...


You can get a UTI from a vibrator, possibly more easily than from normal sex, because with a vibrator you know EXACTLY where to put it to get the best effect, while for sex, the guy isn't going to be quite so in tune with the wife's errogenous zones at the exact moment, and less likely to get carried away.

I'm still bothered by the "prime the pump" stuff. I would definitely suggest therapy; you shouldn't have to get drugged to be in the mood for sex. 

Regarding the lesbian stuff, and girl-on-girl, you might consider the opposite approach and embrace it. If she is heading in that direction, I don't think anything you do is going to push her over the edge. She might be trying to embrace a life outside of the routine. The most important thing here is that you are part of that life. Don't work on trying to change it. Be it.

I have no personal experience in this area though. I would be thrilled if my wife experienced "enhanced" sexuality through any means. Would give me more hope.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

i would remind her that trust is a two street, she is being deceitful in her actions and that a good marriage can only survive with open communication and honesty....and trust in knowing that your spouse is not going to condone you for your kinks. Otherwise we are headed down the road to divorce.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

40ish said:


> Ok, so we had THE TALK...
> 
> I was heading to the store to pick up stuff to go camping, she asked me to get double A batteries...which led to a few questions about why. I asked her why, when we are together and in the mood, she chooses the vibe over me lately. She denied it at first. She asked how I knew that? I told her, "Remember when I walked in on you in the tub and you were on your phone with the vibe on the bath?" She said she was just in the mood to relax in the tub with with her vibe and get off by herself instead of me, and that she was playing solitaire on her phone. I told her I would NEVER choose to get myself off when sex with my wife was an option, it's just weird that we are both in the mood, but instead of having sex with each other, we each go to different bathrooms and get off by ourselves??? She said she just didn't want to risk a UTI. She said she feels out of shape and not sexy. She said the boys are in the room next door and she cant relax. She also said that she didn't want the pressure of performance, just wanted alone time.
> 
> ...


My wife got that disrespectful with me one time.
I went into an immediate 180 for three days.
She got nothing but one word answers.
Finally, she came to me in tears and said we need to talk.
By the time I was done, she achieved absolute clarity. 
She has never been disrespectful with me again (that was over a year ago.)
In regards to your marriage, it is your relationship also.
You have the right to feel safe in it.
Her actions were not only disrespectful, they made you feel unsafe in your own marriage.
She needs an attitude adjustment. I'd go 180 on her.
Reread my post #58. I would utilize some variation of what I suggested in that post.
Model the behaviors she has shown you. I'll bet her a** will be chafed.
The fact that she is cracking jokes about a legitimate concern you have about your marriage, unacceptable.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I think a lot of people are turning this into something it isn’t. She has a slight girl crush and got off a few times. It’s nothing more and nothing less. Unfortunately it cost her husband a couple lays and he got confused. It is understandable he was upset because it was something new that happened. If it were me I would at least try to avoid shaming her for it. At least she is joking around with it now that y’all had the talk. Use it to y’all advantage and leverage it as something to play around in her head with. It doesn’t mean you have been replaced.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

The lying by itself is a major issue.

The long term question is will she fall in love with some woman 5,10 or 20 years from now and will he have wasted years which he could have spent with someone else.

It's in his best interest in keeping an eye on this situation.

Anger is a typical response of someone who has been caught cheating btw, and it's often an almost instantaneous anger.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

@TAMAT brings up a good point that is extreme but worth considering. 

It seems the relationship has problems that is causing the sex problems which from a problematic relationship perspective makes Tamats comment more apropos. 

Food for thought.

OP I read one of your posts where both of you were in bed, all go for sex, then she went to wash up for the encounter but took care of herself and came out and said to you nevermind, I'm done etc.

If that's not a big sign of a big problem in the relationship, to you, then man, what will it take?


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## 40ish (Jul 27, 2020)

Thanks for all the responses! We have talked a little more about the situation. My wife continues to say it only happened one time, when it actually happened the last 4 times we went out. She said she looked at the girl on girl porn because she was curious, and that she didn't get turned on by it, or get off by looking at it. I KNOW that she gets turned on by it because I watched her get off while looking at it, 4 separate times! She clearly is not going to come clean an openly admit what she did, whether she is embarrassed by it or whatever or it may just be a new private fantasy that she wants to keep secret. I don't want to push it because it's pretty obvious she won't really tell me what is going on.

I told her I don't care if she is curious, and that it actually turns me on that she is looking at girl on girl porn while she gets off in the tub, I get turned on by watching 2 girls go at it. She said "That's NOT what I was doing, I just looked for a minute and then turned off my phone". She said girl on girl porn is gross. I told her we can watch it together while she does herself, she said it was just a one time thing when she was drinking. I told her again that it was just weird that we were both in the mood but she chose have us go to separate bathrooms to get off alone. She said it was because she was worried about getting a UTI and that she couldn't relax with our kids in the next room, and what was the big deal, 1 time in 25 years she chose her vibrator instead of the real thing, that I was being selfish. She said she was really horny and just wanted to relax and have a great orgasm by herself. No big deal. Maybe I am being selfish and should just let her have her alone time and not stress so much about it...

Bottom line - It's not worth making things worse by pushing the subject when she is not ready to come clean or openly talk about it. I am just going to let her have her fantasy, unless it interferes with our sex life and she continues to choose her vibrator and porn over me. I clearly expressed my concern that I am being replaced, she knows how I feel. When we are both in the mood, I should have first right of refusal. If I am too tired, not in the mood, not around then go for it and take care of yourself but don't leave me hanging when we are both ready for sex. I am just going to see what happens next time we go out and go from there. If we get back home and she heads to the bathtub without me it will be a different conversation..


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

It seems like you guys might could use with some better communication between you. If what you say is true, the biggest issue isn't her watching lesbian porn, it's that she doesn't trust you enough to share how she feels. I have watched some strange stuff in porn that I would never want to do myself. So, she may truly not be interested in actually doing that. But her lying about it makes the matter worse.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

I was in your position and missed all the signs that she is showing you. Don't make the same mistake I did by ignoring them


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Next time get video instead of a picture 😇


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## 40ish (Jul 27, 2020)

TX-SC said:


> It seems like you guys might could use with some better communication between you. If what you say is true, the biggest issue isn't her watching lesbian porn, it's that she doesn't trust you enough to share how she feels. I have watched some strange stuff in porn that I would never want to do myself. So, she may truly not be interested in actually doing that. But her lying about it makes the matter worse.


Yeah, maybe. I thought we were pretty good at communication, maybe not. I thought we had a very trusting relationship also, that's why it is odd to me that she just won't come clean. I'm not a judging person, and we have alot of fun together, both in bed and out of it. I think maybe she is embarrassed that girl on girl porn turns her on and doesn't want me to know? She knows that I would love to watch it with her, we have watched a few porns over the years, nothing specific to girls though. She has always said it doesn't turn her on. I think she would be jealous if I was getting turned on watching two girls go at it, I wouldn't like it if she was getting turned on by watching another guy so I get it. She searched "Girls kissing" and "girls kissing tits" so not the hard stuff. I told her I was glad she wasn't searching big ****s or something similar, for some reason girl on girl porn seems more acceptable to me for her to watch? I just wish she would come clean and let me know what was really going on. Maybe its just a phase and I should stop getting so wrapped up in it...


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

If you read his posts, he actually never directly confronted his wife with the truth. he never told her I saw you getting off 4 times. This is your typical weak non confrontational male who is afraid to make too much waves. Eventually, he will find himself in the situation as @ Numb26 found himself, as so many other men had. The idiocy of it all is that so many stupid men just go with the flow and are all turn on with the idea of seeing their wife with another woman, until the wife leaves him high and dry for the other or another woman. Then they are left wondering what the F happened.


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## 40ish (Jul 27, 2020)

Numb26 said:


> I was in your position and missed all the signs that she is showing you. Don't make the same mistake I did by ignoring them


Really? What happened? I would like to know the details, how you handled it, and the outcome.


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## 40ish (Jul 27, 2020)

Mr.Married said:


> Next time get video instead of a picture 😇


Maybe I do...


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

40ish said:


> Really? What happened? I would like to know the details, how you handled it, and the outcome.


just click on his avatar's name and check the new topics created by him. you can read all about it.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

40ish said:


> Really? What happened? I would like to know the details, how you handled it, and the outcome.


In a nutshell, she was showing an unusual interest in women but at the time I missed all the signs and red flags and didn't think anything of it because I never thought it was something to worry about (hindsight really is 20/20). She ended up cheating with a woman from her work, I don't know how long it was going on for but I caught her thru texts, messages and video. Confronted her, at the time she didn't admit to it but she didn't deny it either. I filed as soon as I found out. Went thru some really hard times for awhile but I came out the other side a much happier person. I am finally divorced now and living with our kids in another area.

My point is, if she has a curiosity it is just going to grow until she has to do something about it. If she won't talk to you about it or just blows it off like it's not a big deal I would definitely keep an eye on it.


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## 40ish (Jul 27, 2020)

Numb26 said:


> In a nutshell, she was showing an unusual interest in women but at the time I missed all the signs and red flags and didn't think anything of it because I never thought it was something to worry about (hindsight really is 20/20). She ended up cheating with a woman from her work, I don't know how long it was going on for but I caught her thru texts, messages and video. Confronted her, at the time she didn't admit to it but she didn't deny it either. I filed as soon as I found out. Went thru some really hard times for awhile but I came out the other side a much happier person. I am finally divorced now and living with our kids in another area.
> 
> My point is, if she has a curiosity it is just going to grow until she has to do something about it. If she won't talk to you about it or just blows it off like it's not a big deal I would definitely keep an eye on it.


Ok, thanks for the quick reply and the insight. When we were having "the talk" we talked about the fact that when we go out drinking and dancing all sorts of people try to pick her up; young, old, male, female, swingers etc. She is always very nice to people unless they cross the line and has never shown interest in women, even while drinking. A few guys have tried to move in and she always takes care of the situation quickly, the same with women. There have been times when a girl has grabbed her boob on the dance floor and says "Nice boobs" she immediately turns and moves to another area of the dance floor and is pissed. No one touches her but me. Ever. Even towards the end of the night when everyone is hammered and dancing all over each other she does not have that tendency. Girls around her are grinding on each other and have repeatedly tried to dance on her, but its a no go. Multiple swinger couples have tried to pick us up but we don't share each other.

We know a couple that was married for 12 years until they decided to have a threesome with another woman. That was the breaking point for their marriage, she decided that she liked women more. Another couple we know were married for 26 years and the guy decided he was gay, so it happens. My wife adamantly denied that she was attracted to women, and was NOT leaning towards becoming a lesbian, but yet she likes to watch girls have sex while she does herself in the tub.

So is it possible, as a women, to be attracted to the same sex enough to want to orgasm to it, but still be completely heterosexual and happily married to a man? I know I would question my sexuality if I were attracted to 2 men having sex with each other. If my wife caught me using a vibrator in the tub while looking at gay porn she would completely freak out!!!


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## 241happyhour (Jan 31, 2011)

Get her drunk and ask her again. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## 40ish (Jul 27, 2020)

241happyhour said:


> Get her drunk and ask her again.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I plan to. She may give me different answer when her guard is down...


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

40ish said:


> Ok, thanks for the quick reply and the insight. When we were having "the talk" we talked about the fact that when we go out drinking and dancing all sorts of people try to pick her up; young, old, male, female, swingers etc. She is always very nice to people unless they cross the line and has never shown interest in women, even while drinking. A few guys have tried to move in and she always takes care of the situation quickly, the same with women. There have been times when a girl has grabbed her boob on the dance floor and says "Nice boobs" she immediately turns and moves to another area of the dance floor and is pissed. No one touches her but me. Ever. Even towards the end of the night when everyone is hammered and dancing all over each other she does not have that tendency. Girls around her are grinding on each other and have repeatedly tried to dance on her, but its a no go. Multiple swinger couples have tried to pick us up but we don't share each other.
> 
> We know a couple that was married for 12 years until they decided to have a threesome with another woman. That was the breaking point for their marriage, she decided that she liked women more. Another couple we know were married for 26 years and the guy decided he was gay, so it happens. My wife adamantly denied that she was attracted to women, and was NOT leaning towards becoming a lesbian, but yet she likes to watch girls have sex while she does herself in the tub.
> 
> So is it possible, as a women, to be attracted to the same sex enough to want to orgasm to it, but still be completely heterosexual and happily married to a man? I know I would question my sexuality if I were attracted to 2 men having sex with each other. If my wife caught me using a vibrator in the tub while looking at gay porn she would completely freak out!!!


"So is it possible, as a women, to be attracted to the same sex enough to want to orgasm to it, but still be completely heterosexual?"

I think you know the answer to this question


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Numb26 said:


> "So is it possible, as a women, to be attracted to the same sex enough to want to orgasm to it, but still be completely heterosexual?"
> 
> I think you know the answer to this question


I do think the biggest problem is the fact that, (and giving credit to OP that he's broaching it in a way that is kindly, gentle, non judgmental, friendly, allows her to "save face", etc)

the W is so very much against letting the H know it's of interest to her.

That she protests so, so much, is the big issue, add the left H hanging multiple times pre-sex circumstances, it's a huge wtf is going on


It's not that she may enjoy watching gg encounters but that she so adamantly denies it.

That should be the focal point. As in, has she lost all respect for H, thinking it's ok to lie to his face?


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I do think the biggest problem is the fact that, (and giving credit to OP that he's broaching it in a way that is kindly, gentle, non judgmental, friendly, allows her to "save face", etc)
> 
> the W is so very much against letting the H know it's of interest to her.
> 
> ...


I think the other issue is she is lying to HERSELF. Eventually she won't even feel that she is lying to the OP because she will have convinced herself it isn't true.......until it is


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Rob_1 said:


> If you read his posts, he actually never directly confronted his wife with the truth. he never told her I saw you getting off 4 times. This is your typical weak non confrontational male who is afraid to make too much waves. Eventually, he will find himself in the situation as @ Numb26 found himself, as so many other men had. The idiocy of it all is that so many stupid men just go with the flow and are all turn on with the idea of seeing their wife with another woman, until the wife leaves him high and dry for the other or another woman. Then they are left wondering what the F happened.


Or, and this is just a thought, he actually thinks his wife should have some privacy. At this point, aside from denying she is into women (and she may not be), she has done nothing wrong. Yes, she should not lie and should be more open with her spouse but this does not make the OP "weak". It just means he wants her to talk about it when she is ready and not treat her like a criminal.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

40ish,

We hope we are wrong about your Ws intentions, but the thing is that being that blindsided by cheating is like an emotional bomb going off in their lives and most men don’t believe their wives will ever do such a thing.

Be on the lookout for her to suggest swinging or threesome, she will likely suggest it as something for your happiness. In the end you will just be sitting there watching and feeling that you were tricked into a horrible choice, I know guys this happened to.

The timing is suspect as well with you kids out of the house now .


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

TX-SC said:


> Or, and this is just a thought, he actually thinks his wife should have some privacy. At this point, aside from denying she is into women (and she may not be), she has done nothing wrong. Yes, she should not lie and should be more open with her spouse but this does not make the OP "weak". It just means he wants her to talk about it when she is ready and not treat her like a criminal.


When you don't have the guts to be upfront with your partner and have to go beating around the bushes, then that's being weak. Being straight upfront with the questioning is not the same as treating someone as a criminal. It means that you are confident enough to ask the question (s). Beating around the bushes does not get you where you want to go. 
And screw that she should tell him when she's ready. Yeah..nice try. Ready like in 5, 10, more years after he wasted his time and part of his life with someone that might eventually, potentially leave him for another woman. No my friend I don't think that I would be ready to put my life on hold for something like that. I would want to know and to know NOW.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Rob_1 said:


> When you don't have the guts to be upfront with your partner and have to go beating around the bushes, then that's being weak. Being straight upfront with the questioning is not the same as treating someone as a criminal. It means that you are confident enough to ask the question (s). Beating around the bushes does not get you where you want to go.
> And screw that she should tell him when she's ready. Yeah..nice try. Ready like in 5, 10, more years after he wasted his time and part of his life with someone that might eventually, potentially leave him for another woman. No my friend I don't think that I would be ready to put my life on hold for something like that. I would want to know and to know NOW.


And when you find out you don't play the "pick me" game. You leave.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Rob_1 said:


> When you don't have the guts to be upfront with your partner and have to go beating around the bushes, then that's being weak. Being straight upfront with the questioning is not the same as treating someone as a criminal. It means that you are confident enough to ask the question (s). Beating around the bushes does not get you where you want to go.
> And screw that she should tell him when she's ready. Yeah..nice try. Ready like in 5, 10, more years after he wasted his time and part of his life with someone that might eventually, potentially leave him for another woman. No my friend I don't think that I would be ready to put my life on hold for something like that. I would want to know and to know NOW.


As of this point, all that she is being accused of is masturbating to lesbian porn. I hardly see that as a huge life altering event nor one that is likely to result in a divorce and cheating because he didn't put his foot down. I have watched gang bang porn. It doesn't mean I want either myself or my wife to be gang banged. And, if my wife asked what I was watching, my response would probably be "just some porn" and leave it at that. 

Our fantasies are our personal jurisdiction and whether we want to share those fantasies is up to us. In a great relationship, sharing fantasies is a wonderful thing. But I do not need to tell my wife every fantasy nor would I likely want to hear that she is fantasizing about some guy with a 12 inch penis. 

This is being framed as his wife is a raging lesbian that is just waiting for the right woman to come along so she can cheat. Some people just don't want to talk about their fantasies and my honest opinion is that if he keeps pushing this, he may do more harm than good.

To me, the sharing of a fantasy is an intimate thing. You share such a fantasy because you love your spouse and trust them to not make fun of it and to not push the issue. She may be worried that her husband (the OP), since he has his own lesbian fantasies, may push for a threesome or keep bringing it up. If she wants to share it, she will. If not, just be supportive of her and not keep pushing the issue. 

If she is the cheating kind, she will cheat, but it could be male or female. If not, it's just a fantasy or she had some curiosity.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

TX SC problem is refusing hubby while running to her vibe and getting off fantasizing about having sex with some girls


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

TX-SC said:


> As of this point, all that she is being accused of is masturbating to lesbian porn. I hardly see that as a huge life altering event nor one that is likely to result in a divorce and cheating because he didn't put his foot down. I have watched gang bang porn. It doesn't mean I want either myself or my wife to be gang banged. And, if my wife asked what I was watching, my response would probably be "just some porn" and leave it at that.
> 
> Our fantasies are our personal jurisdiction and whether we want to share those fantasies is up to us. In a great relationship, sharing fantasies is a wonderful thing. But I do not need to tell my wife every fantasy nor would I likely want to hear that she is fantasizing about some guy with a 12 inch penis.
> 
> ...


No. As far as I'm concerned that's not the point. I am not accusing his wife of being a raging lesbian. The whole point is the way he's going around asking. Very around the bushes. You can read between the lines of his apprehension to be upfront and to just come up with the fact that he never told her that he in fact saw her getting off to lesbian porn 4 times while at the same time denying him of sex. That is the matter at hand. This is where and how he should had confronted her. No with the beating around the bushes as he have done so far, because this is the type of behavior that gets you in trouble eventually when things turn out for the worse.
If you have a concern with your partner you deal with it straight upfront and now.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Good points. He does need to address why she is not into sex with him anymore. That could be a symptom or a cause. Is she seeking porn because of the lack of attraction to her husband? Or does she not want sex because of the porn? Or, is the marriage simply going through a phase of less sex due to other things?


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

TX-SC said:


> Good points. He does need to address why she is not into sex with him anymore. That could be a symptom or a cause. Is she seeking porn because of the lack of attraction to her husband? Or does she not want sex because of the porn? Or, is the marriage simply going through a phase of less sex due to other things?


That is one of the things that threw me off about my situation. If the XW had stopped having sex with me I might have realized something was going on


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

40ish said:


> So is it possible, as a women, to be attracted to the same sex enough to want to orgasm to it, but still be completely heterosexual and happily married to a man? I know I would question my sexuality if I were attracted to 2 men having sex with each other. If my wife caught me using a vibrator in the tub while looking at gay porn she would completely freak out!!!


I think you're overthinking things here. The girl on girl thing... who knows better than another woman exactly how to turn a woman on? Hint. It's not one of us guys. I think it's about being able to relate. As a guy, watching porn, you fantasize about the woman yet you're paying attention to the cumshot (which is not about the woman) and you may find yourself being able to relate to that picture of the guy's equipment throbbing. I doubt that does much for most women. It's not there for the women. It's there for the guys, it helps with the fantasy because that's you, working your equipment. 

I'll go completely off the politically-correct bandwagon and even suggest that girl-on-girl doesn't necessarily have a "lesbian" label attached to it the same way guy-on-guy is associated with gay/homosexual. So along that line of thinking, I would be thrilled to see my wife take interest in girl-on-girl stuff because it would signify greater interest in sexuality in general. It would not ever cross my mind that she'd change teams. And I've told her that. But if I were to take an interest in guy-on-guy stuff, first, it wouldn't happen, and second, she'd really be wondering.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Casual Observer said:


> I would be thrilled to see my wife take interest in girl-on-girl stuff because it would signify greater interest in sexuality in general. It would not ever cross my mind that she'd change teams. And I've told her that.


That's the thing with sexuality. Specially with idiot men that would do anything to get their women to have sex with another woman while they watch. It's playing with fire, and when you play with fire just be aware that you might get burned, and sometimes burned badly. You just never know, until it happens. And believe me it happens all time to idiots that all they wanted was to watch their women have sex with another woman.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Rob_1 said:


> That's the thing with sexuality. Specially with idiot men that would do anything to get their women to have sex with another woman while they watch. It's playing with fire, and when you play with fire just be aware that you might get burned, and sometimes burned badly. You just never know, until it happens. And believe me it happens all time to idiots that all they wanted was to watch their women have sex with another woman.


See? And here I thought I was an idiot for turning it down LOL


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

The fear of UTI's is real! And until you guys find a way to keep them at bay, she will probably be afraid of having sex every time.

Has she seen a urologist? My mil almost died from a UTI that turned into an almost deadly kidney infection. She was in the ICU. I mean some UTI's are no joke. I understand your wife's fear.

I wouldn't worry about her switching sides unless you notice changes in her behavior. I mean, if she stops doing non sexual things for you, or texting, coming home late, guarding her phone, etc., etc.

Don't make her feel self-conscious about her sexual fantasies. She might want to keep some things to herself and that's perfectly ok. She's a whole different individual.

People say you have to watch her and stop her, but if any woman comes to the realization that she's a lesbian, no matter how much people might want to try to stop it, nothing is going to change the way that woman feels. I mean nothing. 

Keep communicating, start researching and help her find a way to avoid UTI's. Go find a doctor who can help her. Sexuality is not only about having sex or having fantasies, it's also about taking care of your body, avoiding getting sick and understanding each other's bodies. 

Good luck!


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

40ish said:


> That’s a really good question and the reason I’m here looking for advice...


So you'll ask a bunch of *strangers* - who have NO CLUE what's going on in your wife's mind and no idea why she suddenly prefers her vibrator and lady porn to you - why she's doing this?

I'm sorry, but I haven't completed my Mindreading #101 course yet, so I can't tell you why she's doing what she's doing.

Jesus. I can see who wears the pants in* this* family. 🙄🙄 Time to sack up and stop whimpering into your Cheerios too afraid to ask her what the hell's going on.


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## 40ish (Jul 27, 2020)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> So you'll ask a bunch of *strangers* - who have NO CLUE what's going on in your wife's mind and no idea why she suddenly prefers her vibrator and lady porn to you - why she's doing this?
> 
> I'm sorry, but I haven't completed my Mindreading #101 course yet, so I can't tell you why she's doing what she's doing.
> 
> Jesus. I can see who wears the pants in* this* family. 🙄🙄 Time to sack up and stop whimpering into your Cheerios too afraid to ask her what the hell's going on.


LOL yep. Hoping someone here had a similar situation to learn from...


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## 40ish (Jul 27, 2020)

pastasauce79 said:


> The fear of UTI's is real! And until you guys find a way to keep them at bay, she will probably be afraid of having sex every time.
> 
> Has she seen a urologist? My mil almost died from a UTI that turned into an almost deadly kidney infection. She was in the ICU. I mean some UTI's are no joke. I understand your wife's fear.
> 
> ...


Thank you for the insight. There is truth to this for sure! My wife said “Would you want to have sex when more than half of the time you get a UTI and are in pain for a week or two”? I would still probably say yes lol, but then again I have never had a UTI, I understand her hesitation.
We also talked about how guys and girls are different mentally when it come to sex. She said it’s mental for her, she needs to feel comfortable, sexy, relaxed, and in general not stressed, no kids in the room next door, happy with me etc. Apparently there is a lot to it. She says for guys it’s all about F***ing, guys can do it whenever they are in the mood, which is all the time...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

40ish said:


> Thanks for the informative post!
> 
> The last time my wife ditched me for porn and her vibrator we had gone out to the bar and were both a little drunk, we were actually looking at naked pictures of her on my phone and I could tell she was getting turned on. Maybe it is exactly what you said, she was imaging a girl going down on her. It was so weird because I know she had been having a stressful week so I bought her flowers and we went out for a nice dinner and then to the bar. I was hoping her stress level would drop and we could have a relaxing night followed by great sex. It totally sucked when she could see that I was ready to go but instead said "You should go take care of that in the bathroom". WHAT! I said no way, lets go upstairs but she kept saying just go take care of yourself. Literally as soon as I shut the door to the bathroom I heard her run upstairs. I sure hope its a phase. I may wait and see what happens but its really wearing on me...
> 
> Thanks again!


If I had a wife who told me to take care of myself, while she went to her own room to take care of herself, I would run out the door and return a couple of days later.

And, not answer the phone or texts.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

40ish said:


> Thank you for the insight. There is truth to this for sure! My wife said “Would you want to have sex when more than half of the time you get a UTI and are in pain for a week or two”? I would still probably say yes lol, but then again I have never had a UTI, I understand her hesitation.
> We also talked about how guys and girls are different mentally when it come to sex. She said it’s mental for her, she needs to feel comfortable, sexy, relaxed, and in general not stressed, no kids in the room next door, happy with me etc. Apparently there is a lot to it. She says for guys it’s all about F***ing, guys can do it whenever they are in the mood, which is all the time...


This is one of the easiest and common go-to excuse list of all times, your W is generically using, and trying to make you feel like a dummy or sexual deviant, when she's telling you "you should know I'm to this or that, or kids, or whatever, and not even try and bother me, what's wrong with you".

When she's exhibiting she just doesn't want to have sex with YOU.

That's the real issue. Hang in there, put your emotions and well being first.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> This is one of the easiest and common go-to excuse list of all times, your W is generically using, and trying to make you feel like a dummy or sexual deviant, when she's telling you "you should know I'm to this or that, or kids, or whatever, and not even try and bother me, what's wrong with you".
> 
> When she's exhibiting she just doesn't want to have sex with YOU.
> 
> That's the real issue. Hang in there, put your emotions and well being first.


I agree with this! She is giving you the standard BS excuses why sex isn't happening. Then she will make you jump thru hoops and STILL not have sex. 

You need to understand that not all women are like this!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

40ish said:


> Thank you for the insight. There is truth to this for sure! My wife said “Would you want to have sex when more than half of the time you get a UTI and are in pain for a week or two”? I would still probably say yes lol, but then again I have never had a UTI, I understand her hesitation.
> We also talked about how guys and girls are different mentally when it come to sex. She said it’s mental for her, she needs to feel comfortable, sexy, relaxed, and in general not stressed, no kids in the room next door, happy with me etc. Apparently there is a lot to it. She says for guys it’s all about F***ing, guys can do it whenever they are in the mood, which is all the time...


OK, I buy that.

This is all true for 'many' ladies. And those words speak volumes.
She is not mentally in love with you. *She has some sort of resentment or mental issue with you.
It is that freaking obvious.*

As far as the UTI's.... wash totally first (shower, shave, mouth wash, etc.) AND wear a condom.
Tell her that you washed up totally. Take that 'excuse' away from her.

And, don't tell me that you don't like condoms. It is a small sacrifice.
And, it would not surprise me that she will say she does not like them, or that she is allergic to them. If she does, you have your answer.

That, she is no longer 'into' you.
And, because of that, you are no longer going to get into her.

On another note.....don't be too surprised that she knows what you are up to when you think you are alone. Have you been self pleasuring to porn. You can lie to us all you want. She may know this and is pushing it back in your face.

She may be 'on' to you and is punishing you for this behavior.

There is resentment present.

The 'girl on girl porn' might be a back drop for more serious marital problems. Maybe, she is enough of a prude to watch this, rather than more hard core stuff.

Then again, why would a middle-aged married woman wish to go clubbing? Especially, from one who does not display any untoward wayward behavior?

This is contradictory behavior.
...............................................................................................

Much of what you are saying does not make sense, It sounds like a story created from an overly sexually active mind.

...............................................................................................

Back on topic...

No, she does not openly display cheating tendencies and may never 'go there'.

Only, in her mind, with these fantasies?
The proof is in the pudding, and with her self-petting.

Or, maybe the fantasies are in your mind and you are projecting them onto her, and then onto TAM's white chalk board, for us to view.

Hmm?


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## 40ish (Jul 27, 2020)

SunCMars said:


> OK, I buy that.
> 
> This is all true for 'many' ladies. And those words speak volumes.
> She is not mentally in love with you. *She has some sort of resentment or mental issue with you.
> ...


Thanks for the insight, you have good points. 

Your comment *"She has some sort of resentment or mental issue with you", *there is some truth to that based on our last talk. She said she is mad at me for some business decisions I made that are causing us financial stress and she can't have sex with me if she is mad at me - unlike a guy who can have sex whenever. She does have some resentment for sure, she made it clear during our last talk. So when she gets turned on by us going out or whatever and is in the mood, she instead chooses girl on girl porn, with her vibrator in the bath because she can just escape the stress of our relationship relax and enjoy her fantasy instead of reality with me. It sucks for sure but I am starting to understand her perspective a little, as painful as it is. I guess I am glad that underneath the stress of life, she is still a sexual person and there is hope for the future if I get our lives under control. 

We have been dealing with the UTI thing all 25 years of our marriage, it's been an ongoing battle. She has had them off an on, some worse than others. I do make sure I shower before we go out for the night so I am clean, she knows it. As far as condoms go, she had a partial hysterectomy so getting pregnant isn't an issue, unless she is somehow allergic to sperm there shouldn't be a problem. 

When we were having the talk about how it makes me feel bad that she chooses to take care of herself instead of involving me, she asked how many times I take care of myself without HER. I said a few times a week, but NEVER in place of her, and NEVER while looking at gay porn. Regardless of what you think, I actually don't look at porn. I'm not saying I never have, but currently my wife lets me take pictures of her so I have all that I need while looking at my wife. She asked me what I think about and look at, I told her I look at my library of pictures of her. I asked her what she thinks about, and what she looks at, she said she thinks about me and me going down on her - when actually she is looking at girl on girl porn and thinking of a girl going down on her... 

As far as the "middle aged women going clubbing" comment. My wife is in her mid 40's and is in best shape of her life, she looks amazing! She works out, eats clean and is proud of the way she looks, so am I. Call it a midlife crisis, we both know it can't last forever but are riding the wave until it crashes lol. We are not ready to say home an knit just yet ha ha. 

Also to address your comments; "Much of what you are saying does not make sense, It sounds like a story created from an overly sexually active mind" and "Or, maybe the fantasies are in your mind and you are projecting them onto her, and then onto TAM's white chalk board, for us to view" What I have described is what happened, whether it makes sense to you or not. Honestly it doesn't make sense to me either hence the reason for me posting - to see if other people have had similar situations and how they dealt with it so hopefully I can better understand. I do totally have a sexual mind, and have sexual fantasies, don't we all? I am way more sexual than my wife, aren't we all?

I am not posting it here for your enjoyment, only to hopefully gain better understanding from individuals who have been there before me.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Uh, um, the condom is *not to be used* here, and down there, her down there, to prevent pregnancy, it is to prevent UTI's. It is a germ barrier. Not a perfect one, but it helps.

That said, no oral, no fingers down there either. Germs are everywhere.
You need to prevent them from entering her vagina, as best as you can.

The only thing that you can 'safely' put in her vagina is your sheathed penis, and your unshackled imagination.

This is the best that can be offered.

I really suspect that she cannot get off on _penis in vagina_ sex. PIV, sex.

She is far from alone in this, with this predicament.
_Pre_ or after sex _dika-ment_.

That pumping penis moment may now, leave her unfulfilled. Her hysterectomy may have altered her orgasm response.

Or, she never had it with PIV and has written it off.
She wrote you off with the _lead in your own penis pencil_.

Yes, she is selfish.

What are you going to do about this, this going forward, but not forward 'into' her?


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

The issue here is that she is denying you sex. A big part of that is that she has fear of UTIs. I would research how UTIs are transmitted, what can be done to prevent them, and maybe see a urologist or even a psychologist if she is unable to shake that fear. Good hygiene is usually enough to prevent UTIs. You two need to talk it over and get on the same page to overcome this issue.

As for her getting off watching girl on girl porn, I wouldn't really sweat that. It is definitely not uncommon at all for women to PREFER that kind of porn. The female body is much more appealing than a male's. By the same token, however, a lot of women can feel shame that they are turned on by it. It does NOT mean they are lesbian, or even bi. I've found that a lot of women would not admit to liking it, and sometimes will even lie about it to cover the shame they feel. A woman's sexuality is much more fluid than a man's. 

It does bother me that she would lie about it, but what can you do. Although my wife and I don't watch porn anymore, there was a time early in our marriage where we both enjoyed lesbian sex almost exclusively. I prefer it, and judging by my wife's reactions, she preferred it, too. Now, if I were to ask her if she liked to watch lesbian sex, she would definitely deny it. Yes, it would be a lie, but I learned a long time ago there's just some things you have to just let go.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

Luvher4life said:


> The issue here is that she is denying you sex. A big part of that is that she has fear of UTIs. I would research how UTIs are transmitted, what can be done to prevent them, and maybe see a urologist or even a psychologist if she is unable to shake that fear. Good hygiene is usually enough to prevent UTIs. You two need to talk it over and get on the same page to overcome this issue.
> 
> As for her getting off watching girl on girl porn, I wouldn't really sweat that. It is definitely not uncommon at all for women to PREFER that kind of porn. The female body is much more appealing than a male's. By the same token, however, a lot of women can feel shame that they are turned on by it. It does NOT mean they are lesbian, or even bi. I've found that a lot of women would not admit to liking it, and sometimes will even lie about it to cover the shame they feel. A woman's sexuality is much more fluid than a man's.
> 
> It does bother me that she would lie about it, but what can you do. Although my wife and I don't watch porn anymore, there was a time early in our marriage where we both enjoyed lesbian sex almost exclusively. I prefer it, and judging by my wife's reactions, she preferred it, too. Now, if I were to ask her if she liked to watch lesbian sex, she would definitely deny it. Yes, it would be a lie, but I learned a long time ago there's just some things you have to just let go.


I would agree with this, completely. Same story at my house....


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

sounds like she is curious about other women. 

Not sure what you can do about that. If she is starting to prefer women over men, other than stepping up the sex as much as you can, there is not much else you can do.

there are plenty of women who are bisexual, who CHOOSE to stay monogamous with their husband because they love them and do not want to cheat. Hopefully she is one of those. 
Make her sex life as fulfilled as you can. 

Maybe you can steer her into other kinky fetishes, other than being lesbian, that would be equally sexually stimulating to her.

check out the website MojoUpgrade. it has a couples kinky sex survey...maybe the two of you can find some kinks you both are into, to get her mind off of sex with other women


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## Skiguy31 (Oct 13, 2020)

My wife and I have great sex,but there are times when I'm done and she'll use her hitachi for another 5-6 orgasms. I'll never be mad at having a horny wife.


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