# Dating advice



## johnO77 (Apr 15, 2014)

So I just recently got out of a relationship…a pretty bad to say the least, and I haven’t been in the dating scene for quite some time. It’s been a long time since I’ve actually taken a girl on a date. With that being said I went on a date last Saturday..well at least I thought it was a date.We went out, had a couple of drinks with dinner and watched the ball game, I had an amazing time! We talked for hours! Everything seemed to be going really good! Body language was good, we made a lot of eye contact, we smiled a lot, and she didn’t seem like she was bored at all. So the night ended and that’s where things got a little weird, we did the dreaded half hug, and it just seemed like it ended pretty abruptly. Now she just got out of a bad relationship, so I’m trying not to over analyze anything, but when I asked her on a second date she said she would love to hang out and be friends..she said as for calling it dating she’s not ready for that right now but would really like to be friends For a bit, and that she had a really good time and just needs some time. Like I said this is all new to me, and don’t know if I got friend zoned already, if I should wait, or what…any advice?!?

I'm trying not to over analyze anything, we've only been on one date, but like I said it's been a very long time since I've taken a girl on a date!!


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are you? Drop the word 'girl' unless you are under 21. You date women. This might seem like a small thing but it's not.

Now to your date that was not a date... or something like that.

How did you meet this woman?

Where did you have dinner and watch the game? At a sports bar or at your place?

Did she say how long it’s been since her bad breakup and how much she has been dating? 

Don’t analyze things so much. Take her at her word. She’s not ready for a ‘dating’ relationship. I think you may have come on too strong to her. ‘Dating’ means some kind of commitment. She’s not ready for that. Who is the first time they go out? Unless you are looking for a woman who will commit to you on your first date… call her in a few days and invite her to do something that is not as intense as dinner and a game. 

If you cannot figure out what that might be, check out Find your people - Meetup. Find something fun like an arts crawl, area sightseeing group, something with others around and ask her to join you. It’s a lot less pressure than the first date you two had.

In the future start dating in a lower pressure manner. The first few times you go out with someone invite them for coffee, an ice cream, something that is in a public place; you both drive yourselves; it’s a half-hour to one hour date. That say the pressure is low and you both get to decide if you want to go out again. The next date is something like an activity. Ya build up to the romantic dinner dates…. Don’t start with them. It too much pressure.


----------



## johnO77 (Apr 15, 2014)

It was a sports bar of sorts, I'm asking for advice so I don't over analyze this. As for how long it's been for her, I have no idea, I've always refrained from bringing up exes in a conversation..it just adds a bit of animosity to the atmosphere. I don't know if this sounds pathetic, but she works with my mom and I think she's been on a few of dates since her last relationship..from what I was told they didn't go over very well. I was planning on just going to the park and going for a walk, but she asked me day of if I wanted to go watch the game. 

I'm not going to over analyze anything, but I've been out of the dating scene for a while and was just wondering if I was missing something. Also if it sounds like I might be rambling I just took my allergy medicine and I'm dosing off lol sorry.


----------



## johnO77 (Apr 15, 2014)

And I'm 25, and yes, I should have used the word women


----------



## loveadvice (Dec 22, 2013)

It sounds like she is not that into you or she is just not ready for a dating relationship and just wants someone to hang out with for the time being.

Unless you want to take a chance on getting hurt, I would not put any more effort into her and move on to the next person. If she changes her mind, she knows where to find you.

Dating is a matter of numbers. The more you date, the greater the likelihood of success.


----------



## jane1213 (Aug 10, 2012)

I think it is always a good thing for a man to be friendzoned than the NC. You still have the chance to see her again and again and maybe in couple of months things will change. You can try again too! Keep dating around and leave her be. 

I went with a guy once and it was a date after the other and it felt something from heaven. After two months it ended and fizzled out. 

My advice for you is to take it slow . Don't pressure yourself to do the kiss or the hug after a date.

If you don't want to get hurt test the woman interest over time. The initial excitement is not always THE sign.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I think she was honest with you, and she's not interested in dating.

Don't ask her out again, if you see her out and about be friendly etc. but ask other women out, this one's not for you


----------



## johnO77 (Apr 15, 2014)

I just know how I am with dating...I never did it lol I always jumped into a relationship and when I did date I always got the signals mixed up...if a women told me that she wanted to be friends for the time being, took it as a just friendship and moved on only to find out that she did want a relationship and just needed time and visa versa. I'm not expecting her to immediately jump up and want to be my girlfriend, I actually feel the need to just focus on myself for the time being so I think I will just keep dating around and see what happens. Plus I have 7 months left in the military and I'm gonna make the best of it!


----------



## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Guys rules. No hug or kiss or anything like that on the first date. Have that in your mind from the start of the date. Will give you a confidence her radar will pick up. Same with the second date. If you both like each other, She'll attack you on the third...

Some logic: First date, she thinking about how it will end. Probably with apprehension. So when you do nothing, it will make her think. Date 2, same but even more. By date 3, she's not thinking about it negatively, but begins wondering if you like her or not. She'll remember that kiss on the third date forever. Sure beats the friends BS and (bonus) you can chose to be friends.


----------



## johnO77 (Apr 15, 2014)

Good advice Qtip, I've always been too that dating is like a game, and I never did it lol. I always just jumped in head first and gave it 100% from the get to  which usually ended in a break up or infidelity. I am definitely going to just focus on my self for now, I never realized how much I put myself before other, and doing nice things for myself feels nice  
I never had much confidence, mainly because I never picked up women, I just dated whatever came my way and settled. So I'm working on my confidence (come to find out I do have a good way of chatting it up with ladies and having conversations with them!) and will start dating a bit more once I give myself some much needed love!


----------



## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

wow you are waaaay overanalyzing things. This was your first date!!! Cmon man, relax. Just go with it and have fun. Otherwise, you'll kill yourself wondering why she did this, why she did that... If she had a good time too, she'll go out with you again. Just get to know each other, relax, and enjoy it.


----------



## johnO77 (Apr 15, 2014)

Lol @love, yea I know, I've never dated before..just jumped straight into relationships. I'm gonna focus on myself and just date around for awhile. Two weeks in Hawaii in July!!


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

johnO77 said:


> when I asked her on a second date she said she would love to hang out and be friends..she said as for calling it dating she’s not ready for that right now but would really like to be friends For a bit, and that she had a really good time and just needs some time


This is her way of saying she's not interested in dating you, she's letting you off easy while not being dishonest about it. Although I do wonder if she'll really want to even hang out with you as friends. 



johnO77 said:


> Like I said this is all new to me, and don’t know if I got friend zoned already, if I should wait, or what…any advice?!?


You really don't want to be her friend, do you? Then what, she'll confide in you about all the other dates she's going on, and then when she meets a guy she does want to date, what do you think will happen to your "friendship".. hint, the word is hidden in the middle of the word "friendship".

Don't waste your time with this one, there's a lot more out there.



Q tip said:


> Guys rules. No hug or kiss or anything like that on the first date


Disagree.

I've done more dating in the past 8 yrs post divorce than I care to admit. Dozens of first dates, and a half dozen committed relationships, I'm in one now 2.5 years.

Anyway.. when I'm dating, if I'm into her and she seems into me then when it's time to say good night, I will slowly move towards her while smiling and looking into her eyes. There WiLL be a good night kiss, only it's up to her whether I get her lips or her cheek, which tells me everything I need to know.


----------



## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

John, OK well here's some dating advice: Dating is to learn about each other. That's it. Get to know her. Don't jump into it head-on - you're sure to get hurt. Take it SLOOOOOW. You are in the dating pool to find THE ONE.. not the one who will date you and dump you (or vice versa). This is a testing ground for figuring out what is compatible for you. At the beginning, it always happy and great. Then when you get to know someone about 6-9 months into it, you start discovering things about that person that you may not like so much. If you make it to a year, then chances are, you've accepted it. If not, then it wasn't meant to be. 

But you have to remember that you cannot force a relationship. It simply does not work. At the beginning, you have to relax, do not overanalyze, go with the flow, respect the woman (i.e don't try to get her in the sack immediately), pay attention, and you'll get attention back. Remember: you want QUALITY. Take your time to make sure its really quality.

Also, Lenzi is right. If she's telling you she doesn't want to date, take it at face value. She's telling you point blank where she is. At least she's being honest. You got your hopes up for the first girl that went out with you- mistake. You can be friends with her if you want, but she told you up front, straight up, where she is. Don't try to change her mind. It will only end in heartache for you.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

johnO77 said:


> .if a women told me that she wanted to be friends for the time being, took it as a just friendship and moved on only to find out that she did want a relationship and just needed time and visa versa.


This is contrary to anything I ever knew about women and dating. 

Tell me how you know this. How do you know that one or more women you have dated in the past, who you went out with once or twice, who told you "I only want to be friends for the time being" actually _wanted a relationship with you,_ however they wanted more time before giving you a commitment. 

I mean, did they tell you this months or years later and say something like "You really should have kept pursuing me because I would have eventually gone out with you"?

If that's the case, why didn't they try harder to stay in touch with you? I mean, why should you have to be the one to call them? 

Just doesn't make all that much sense to me.

Also the vice versa part. You dated women that said they wanted a relationship but in fact they only wanted to be friends?


----------



## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

lenzi said:


> This is contrary to anything I ever knew about women and dating.
> 
> Tell me how you know this. How do you know that one or more women you have dated in the past, who you went out with once or twice, who told you "I only want to be friends for the time being" actually _wanted a relationship with you,_ however they wanted more time before giving you a commitment.
> 
> ...


John, Lenzi is right. This is a reverse story, but I once knew a woman who dated a man for 4 years. From day 1, he told her he didn't want to get married. She thought she could change his mind. She stayed and they were in a committed relationship. 4 years later, he said the same thing: he didn't want to marry her. She wasted 4 years of her life trying to change him. The broke up and she was heartbroken. 

Bottom line: if a woman says she doesn't want a relationship with you, SHE DOESN'T WANT ONE! How much clearer can this possibly get? Get your head out of the clouds man! Wake up! Cmon.. you're smarter than this. Your mistake is you built up all this excitement for one date. Big mistake. Look where that got you. So learn from it and don't make the same mistake twice. Move on.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Love2326 said:


> I once knew a woman who dated a man for 4 years. From day 1, he told her he didn't want to get married. She thought she could change his mind. She stayed and they were in a committed relationship. 4 years later, he said the same thing: he didn't want to marry her. She wasted 4 years of her life trying to change him. The broke up and she was heartbroken.


Too bad she couldn't accept that lots of guys (including myself) aren't ever going to get married. In my case once is enough, but I've read that lots of guys are getting gun shy about even getting married the first time because they see how guys usually get shafted in a divorce by the unfair court system. 

She could have accepted that marriage is a mostly failed concept, it doesn't give any greater sense of security and it's really no greater commitment than an exclusive relationship. It's just that much harder and expensive to disengage when things go south, which they do more often than not. 

They could still be together, but she just had to have that ring. Probably worth no more than whatever it would have gotten if sold for scrap at the prevailing gold price.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Love2326 said:


> Your mistake is you built up all this excitement for one date. Big mistake. Look where that got you. So learn from it and don't make the same mistake twice. Move on.


If you're doing the online dating thing and you get a good response rate, don't limit all your chatting and messaging to one woman. If you set up a first date, keep right on chatting with other women, preferably set up 3 dates in a weekend. 

Do the multiple dating thing so you don't have all your eggs in one basket. You'll be less nervous and more confident since it's not an all or nothing deal. 

Plus when they invariably ask you if you're seeing anyone else you can say "I date" and that makes you even more desirable.


----------



## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

lenzi said:


> This is her way of saying she's not interested in dating you, she's letting you off easy while not being dishonest about it. Although I do wonder if she'll really want to even hang out with you as friends.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I must now disagree with the only expert on this site. Without rubbing against what might be just a rather large ego... Other approaches do exist beyond your experience. You are free to disagree, but do so gently amongst those of us who have had great success that you must not be aware of. Women are not cattle to be rustled up. Respect them and it will be returned. If they are damaged, it will show. Same the other way around as well.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Q tip said:


> Women are not cattle to be rustled up. Respect them and it will be returned.


Exactly what is it about my approach that makes you think I don't respect women and that I view them as nothing more than "rustled cattle"?

Because I certainly do and I definitely do not.


----------



## johnO77 (Apr 15, 2014)

I'm not going to over analyze what she said, if she not interested in me I'm completely fine with that. We have a bit in common, stuff that would build a strong friendship if nothing else. I'm working on getting to know her, I haven't asked her out on any dates after she told me she wanted to be friends, but we do plan on running together pretty regularly. 

With me I've always settled for "the one that'll do" I never really ventured out and tried looking for the one which is something I will definitely work on. I'm over the one night stands and friends with benefits, it usually just ends in someone getting hurt and I'm not wanting to put myself or someone else through that. 

Yea lenzie, it was usually with friends that I knew from school, they wouldn't see me as boyfriend material "at the time" then a while down the road they would tell me they liked me or had a thing for me...it actually makes me think that maybe I was hanging around some pretty indecisive and immature people lol. I'm working on my issues when it comes to relationships, I always give 110% in the beginning.
Like my previous relationship, I gave and gave and gave...whether it was compliments, small trinkets, or just from the heart advice..and I gave it all the time...more so the compliments. I usually got verbally abused when she got too drunk, or she would seethe through her teeth at me. I'm not perfect, I have some trust issues but those come from childhood issues..and I am seeking the help I need and it's going very well. I was always patient with her anger issues. It she up and left me for her ex husband that cheated on her and didn't treat her right. 

I guess that's why I've always had a hard time dating around, I do tend to over analyze quite a bit, but I'm getting better at just going with the flow. I'm just need a dating coach, which sucks cause I'm 25, but I'm good at plenty of other things so I don't let it mess with my confidence!


----------



## johnO77 (Apr 15, 2014)

Oh no, I have nothing but the upmost respect for women, I was raised better than to raise my hand much less my voice at a women.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

johnO77 said:


> I haven't asked her out on any dates after she told me she wanted to be friends, but we do plan on running together pretty regularly.


You don't think that would be awkward? Hanging out with her with both of you knowing you want something more than friendship? I guess if can handle it and can avoid getting to attached to her then a friendship could work. Not me. If I was in your shoes I'd have no further use for her. Don't want to wait to be cast aside when she meets a guy she wants to date. 



johnO77 said:


> Oh no, I have nothing but the upmost respect for women, I was raised better than to raise my hand much less my voice at a women.


The comment about disrespect from poster Qtip was directed at me, not you for reasons that are not clear. 

Apparently dating lots of women or multiple dating or going for a kiss on the first date is disrespectful of women and it is no different than treating them like cattle to be rustled.


----------



## johnO77 (Apr 15, 2014)

Sorry Qtip just saw your post! I wouldn't mind being friends with her, I'm not in love with her or anything, I have a few friends that are girls that talk to me or my other buddy about their relationships..usually for advice from a mans perspective. If she's not into me, then she's not into me and I won't push a relationship on someone.


----------



## johnO77 (Apr 15, 2014)

I don't know if it would be awkward, honestly I talk about me ex quite a bit so I definitely know I'm not ready for a relationship. The next person I share my life with deserves a clean slate, not one with emotional baggage. Plus I'm enjoying my new single life! I've lost LBS, got back into body building, I eat clean, and i enjoy the little things in life. Plus my wallet enjoys it too!


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

johnO77 said:


> The next person I share my life with deserves a clean slate, not one with emotional baggage.


How do you know you won't mistakenly decide to share your life with some loser who doesn't deserve meeting a guy with a clean slate and no emotional baggage?


----------



## johnO77 (Apr 15, 2014)

Like my ex? I found out the hard way...unfortunately. But I should have seen the reds flags from the beginning, Instead I just let them fly way over my head.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

johnO77 said:


> Like my ex? I found out the hard way...unfortunately. But I should have seen the reds flags from the beginning, Instead I just let them fly way over my head.


Everyone with an ex says the exact same thing. Well, maybe not everyone. Some completely overlook the red flags or they're completely scammed with the ole bait and switch. 

As long as we learn from our mistakes it can't be ALL bad.


----------



## johnO77 (Apr 15, 2014)

Nah, I've come to the realization that her choices don't reflect on myself, if she wants to be with him then her chances of getting hurt are higher. I'm thankful for all the good time we had, and I'll use the, as motivation to find the one.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

If she works with (or for?) your mom then she is correct in being careful and slow. If anything is to come of this long-term then you will need to respect boundaries and have a discussion about a potentially awkward situation where you two (1) really get on well and she has to redefine her navigation around boundaries, etc. with your mom in two different settings or (2) end badly and she has to redefine her navigation around boundaries, etc. with your mom in her work setting or (3) somewhere in between for an indefinite period of time in which she has to constantly readjust how she feels/acts around your mom (her boss? or co-worker?) 

For you (OP) you need to really develop some empathy about her situation, and also lay off getting info about her/her personal life from your mom. While it may be helpful to you, it's probably going to be massively creepy/stalk factor to her, no matter how nice or well meaning you are, or how much you like her, it's still kind of invasive. One way to deal with this is to tell her exactly what you know about her, and how/from whom. This clears the air and if your mom overstepped her boundaries, then she can take it up with her boss/co-worker, whatever (i.e. stay out of my personal life, stop telling your kid things about me, etc. please.) Especially if she is going to date you, her work needs to be just work, and even if your mom does know info about her, she should keep it to herself and not meddle, even meaning well! Make an intro and leave it be.


----------



## johnO77 (Apr 15, 2014)

I do have sympathy for her, like I said, I'm not pushing the relationship thing on her. I understand she just got out of a relationship and so did I, I just needed a clearer view on the situation. I don't get piles of information from my mom, she just said that there was a nice girl who work with her and that her and I should get to know each other..well that and that she just got out of a serious relationship. Everything else I know about her I know from the date we had..


----------

