# Forgive or Re-Live



## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Forgive or Re-live

Read this on Christmass morning, it came it came out of no where, just surfing the internet and there it was....Really made me think. Just wondering what everyone elses take on what this means to them.


----------



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

It was a rough Christmas for me. Not feeling worthy of any gifts, it was hard to accept any. But I put on a good show the best I could. My wife enjoyed the Kindle Fire I gave her the night before Christmas Eve. She also enjoyed the diamond necklace, spa gift card, nice earphones, and the dancing lessons gift certificate.

I still can't forgive myself yet. I make some headway towards doing so, and then fall back and re-live D-day all over again. So I get back up and try again.


----------



## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

HerToo said:


> It was a rough Christmas for me. Not feeling worthy of any gifts, it was hard to accept any. But I put on a good show the best I could. My wife enjoyed the Kindle Fire I gave her the night before Christmas Eve. She also enjoyed the diamond necklace, spa gift card, nice earphones, and the dancing lessons gift certificate.
> 
> I still can't forgive myself yet. I make some headway towards doing so, and then fall back and re-live D-day all over again. So I get back up and try again.


So wiered that you replied 1st, thought of you when I first read it, even before myself....:scratchhead:


----------



## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

So Struggling, how was your X-mas?


----------



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

The other quote I've seen posted on here that also hits home is:

"Get busy living, or get busy dying"

Limbo fits nowhere in either quote.


----------



## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

working_together said:


> So Struggling, how was your X-mas?


Had a good one thanks, Kid came home had a good time, ate like pigs, was a good time with the wife, until late christmass night.

she asked why I was distant and I told her I feel nothing right now, detaching and refereed back to the other night, she started crying again, saying how sorry she was for hurting me and shes a bad wife/person etc...I told her I dont think your a bad person not at all (which I dont), but explain to me again why your sorry, what are you sorry about?..again the,shes a bad person, she feels horrible for hurting me. 
I was waiting for her to state exaclty what she is sorry for, the lies the decit, the involvement with a married man, the TT etc....never came

Told her I do love her and I'm running the red flag up the pole, like she should have in the beggining and I'm still not sure if I
want to work on this or not and she asked what do you want me to do, I told her thats for her to figure out.

I emailed OMW today, no real details just that we neeed to talk, also have some feelers out in the area to try and gain some insight on thier seperation/divorce issue...

I did have a good christmass I did not let any of this affect me, still stayin the course...how was yours wortking?


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

strugglinghusband said:


> Had a good one thanks, Kid came home had a good time, ate like pigs, was a good time with the wife, until late christmass night.
> 
> she asked why I was distant and I told her I feel nothing right now, detaching and refereed back to the other night, she started crying again, saying how sorry she was for hurting me and shes a bad wife/person etc...I told her I dont think your a bad person not at all (which I dont), but explain to me again why your sorry, what are you sorry about?..again the,shes a bad person, she feels horrible for hurting me.
> I was waiting for her to state exaclty what she is sorry for, the lies the decit, the involvement with a married man, the TT etc....never came
> ...


Man you are heading down the wrong road if you truly want to R with your wife. She cannot read your mind. If she asked you what can she do to help you feel better -YOU HAVE TO TELL HER. Not the BS "You figure it out".

If you need details then sit her down when you two have 30 minutes of alone time and tell her you have to know the whole truth. No more hiding of TT. Tell her every time you find out a new detail it is like starting over from day one. Then ask her questions.


----------



## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

TDSC60 said:


> Man you are heading down the wrong road if you truly want to R with your wife. She cannot read your mind. If she asked you what can she do to help you feel better -YOU HAVE TO TELL HER. Not the BS "You figure it out".
> 
> If you need details then sit her down when you two have 30 minutes of alone time and tell her you have to know the whole truth. No more hiding of TT. Tell her every time you find out a new detail it is like starting over from day one. Then ask her questions.


Point taken, you are right..


----------



## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

The 24th I was extremely depressed. That date is a trigger. I suspect that the 12th to 14th of January will be a rough couple of days for me too.

Good turkey dinner (but I'm good like that *grin*) kids liked their gifts though it was a frugal year for us. Other than that it was survivable.


----------



## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

strugglinghusband said:


> Had a good one thanks, Kid came home had a good time, ate like pigs, was a good time with the wife, until late christmass night.
> 
> she asked why I was distant and I told her I feel nothing right now, detaching and refereed back to the other night, she started crying again, saying how sorry she was for hurting me and shes a bad wife/person etc...I told her I dont think your a bad person not at all (which I dont), but explain to me again why your sorry, what are you sorry about?..again the,shes a bad person, she feels horrible for hurting me.
> I was waiting for her to state exaclty what she is sorry for, the lies the decit, the involvement with a married man, the TT etc....never came
> ...


I like that when she asked you "what do you want me to do", you basically told her that the ball was in her court. You're right, if she sees how you're suffering then she should understand what needs to be done. No matter what you say that needs to be done, it has to come from her..ya know?

My Christmas was quiet as expected, my sister and b/f went to England to visit his parents. We have a small family, so just my mom and hubby and the kids. My mom was sick so she stayed in bed while we ate dinner, kind of sucked really. Hubby was in good spirits, I went the extra mile to make him happy, even made him a stocking which I never did. He thanked me and broke down. All in all it was fine....damn guinea pigs almost got beat up by the cats tho lol


----------



## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

I am working through the process of R as well and really struggle with the "what do you want me to do" question.

I actually have 5 things I want to happen, although they are not specific

Oh I might as well just say em


Understand the pain I have had to endure
Forgive yourself
Understand WHY it happened and how to make sure it never happens again
Work together with me to define what WE want out of marriage
Work together to create boundries

My WS has been working her way out of the fog. I do not believe there was anything to be gained by laying these steps out while she is in the fog.

I would be really really happy to find that she has come up with some things to do on her own...but she hasn't. My T says I need to tell her...I say gol dang it, it would mean soooooooooo much more to me if she figured it out herself. I also think that if I tell her she needs to do these things, she won't get the same benefit as if she choose to do them herself.

In the end, I guess I am waiting for our MC to bring the subject up. I believe our MC is waiting to delve into things until I am "more centered" and my wife is not in da fog...so I am trusting that when the time is right, she'll give me the opportunity. 

Anyway, point is, I really struggle with the "well figure it out yourself" versus "here's what I need" as well.


----------



## Wolfgar (Nov 15, 2011)

@saki 
great list, I might use a few of them I def. agree though, it'd be better if we (the BS) didn't have to guide our WS back into the light. That's whats a bit upsetting with my wife, while she cries and shows real remorse, she'd rather not think/talk about it and just pretend it never happened. It's impossible to learn if a person does that? I need her to show me she's making an effort to learn from this huge mistake


----------



## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

I agree with you completely.

I've spent literally hundreds of hours trying to understand myself, learn how to deal with my emotions, understand why this has happened to me and how to make things better (for me and for my marriage)...

but the WS just wants to ignore it and pretend it never happened. It's very hurtful. Yet I can see how it is a coping mechanism (albeit an unhealthy one) for the WS.

I believe time is the only thing that can bring them around. Being patient is very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very (I found typing that to be therapudic by the way, I would suggest others try it!!!) frustrating.


----------



## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

strugglinghusband said:


> Point taken, you are right..


Sometimes though I feel like I DON'T know what I want my fWW to do when she ask's "what can she do to help me feel better?" . She's been great and doing everything and more than I could ask at this point but sometimes I wanna say stuff like " I dunno, maybe built a flux capacitor, install it in my truck, find some plutonium and go back in time and fix this s$&@ so I don't have to feel like this
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

Saki said:


> I am working through the process of R as well and really struggle with the "what do you want me to do" question.
> 
> I actually have 5 things I want to happen, although they are not specific
> 
> ...


I struggle with this also. It's great that she asking and doing the things I ask in R but I wish she would come up with things to help strengthen the marriage or help with my feelings as well. I feel like I'm dragging her along sometimes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

It's unfair that the BS has to be the one doing all the soul searching when the WS has acted so selfishly and with such blatent disregard for the BS's feelings.

In fact, how ironic is it that the WS is asking how to help the BS to feel better, when the problem was in fact created by the WS not respecting the feelings of the BS to begin with!


----------



## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

Yes sometimes it is hard to forgive but you never really forget. Just like when you get an operation you heal but your scars stay with you until you die. What both of you really have to deciede what closure is for you. Mine was tell the wife what it made me feel like and the great sorrow it caused me and trying to be at work during all of it. I used to just hide or stuff my emotion but this really help not only me but let her see what damage it caused. I am greatful she deciede to stay and work it or I would have held on this for ever


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Like I've said in earlier posts, Christmas and New Years are a trigger for me, as I remember the affair was in full swing by that time and her actions/attitude during those holidays really upset me. 

Yet somehow this Christmas, I didn't even think about it at all and didn't trigger. Of course it helps that she was going all out and has earned her shot at R. Sure, the spark wasn't there as from pre-affair, but I didn't feel as bad as last year. Maybe I'm healing, I don't know. We'll see what the New Year brings.


----------

