# Struggling



## biskey77jjr (8 mo ago)

I'm worried about losing my marriage due to problems with my 40 year old step son..I will try to keep this "readers digest"....my wife decided to move him and his wife with a 9 and 3 year old into our house because he could not afford rent in his trailer rental. The occupy the finished half of our basement, preciously used as my music studio and separate living area....He won't, can't or doesn't care to help keep our place clean, blaming a disability called "object permanence"....my wife is overly protective of him and continues to loan him money....our money. Now she wants to buy another house, with the plan that they live there with us....it's a mess and I struggle to have a voice, apparently being mean. The rest will be discussed with a counselor....any reflections are greatly appreciated.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

I'm really sorry about all of this. Separate your finances, quickly, or you'll soon lose a lot more than you already have.

4 people (him, his wife and their 2 children) will go through money in a hurry and your wife doesn't seem to mind spending all of your (hers and yours I mean) money on them.

You didn't say your age, but you must be nearing retirement yourself so this is really bad timing as it's not like you're 35 and this is happening when you still have decades and decades left to build up a retirement. No, you're likely close to retiring and your wife is giving away a lot of your retirement money.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I think that you need to have some MC -- you are correct that her son should be able to take care of himself. SHE is enabling him. Object permanence is NOT a disability. It's part of developmental psychology where a child learns the concept that an object will still exist even if they don't see it. SO, you step son is full of **** and your wife is buying it.
I would absolutely NOT buy a house with plans that they continue to live with you.

You really need to get across to your wife (via the MC) that what she is doing is NOT helping her son at all, and it is having a huge negative impact on your marriage.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

I will admit that this is a very tough situation to be in. A parent of course cares about the well-being of their children even into adulthood, but he is taking full advantage of her. I can understand a person or family being down on their luck and needing some temporary assistance. But your wife is taking this to a very unhealthy level. I would suggest sitting down with your wife and just telling her this is not healthy for our marriage or their marriage and I am not on board with buying another house for them to live with us and will not participate with that or sign anything. I would also suggest the two of you try to compromise with some kind of plan on an exit strategy for them. 

I would say tell them that we understand that things can get difficult but we cannot have you living with us on a permanent basis. We love you guys and you are welcome over to join us at the dinner table to avoid starving. But we are going to give you 3 months to secure jobs, save money for deposits/first months rent and other expenses. I can help you find a mental health professional for your issue and even assist you with finding a place you can afford. I can also assist you with applying for public assistance. But at the end of 90 days, you are going to have to move out


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## biskey77jjr (8 mo ago)

There is supposedly a plan to save $500 of his rent money for a down payment on a house for them...but he doesn't have a budget in place and making more money per hour won't make if difference if he "can't afford it". I'm living their life with their arguing, some drinking,(I'm alcoholic) and not keeping the place clean..they were kicked out of the trailer community because if roaches and not keeping the place clean.....I'm working on more communication with my wife but she feels it's very important to have them with us.....I call the dysfunctional,. Why should I have to be the answer to there shortcomings....,😠
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From: Joe R <[email protected]>
To: Talk About Marriage <[email protected]>
Cc:
Bcc:
Date: Sat, 21 May 2022 15:24:22 -0400
Subject: Re: A18S37K14H18 replied to "Struggling"
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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I like the 90 day plan for your moocher *step*-son and his family.

Yes, separate your finances.

Kill off your wife's credit card by going to the bank and saying that your wife lost hers.
When the new one comes in, pocket it.

Tell your wife that if they do not move out at that point, you will.

Get your bags ready, your new place to stay, ready.

They will disappoint you, I guarantee it.

Drop off food, weekly, so no one starves.

She will likely take you to court, but that process will take weeks, if not months.

Play hard ball with these soft heads.

Ditch the alcohol.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Your stepson isn’t the problem, your weakness and lack of power in your marriage is the problem.

Your _*wife decided*_ to move her sons family into your home? - why did she get to decide anything about your home without your approval?

Your problem is that your wife has all the power in your marriage and you have allowed it. Why?

Why are you allowing your wife to walk all over you like a cheap doormat?
You’re being disrespected and used, why are you allowing this?

Why are you choosing to be passive and weak in your marriage?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Does he work? Does his wife work? Does his wife do any cleaning etc? 
As has been said I can understand helping family for a time, but it seems she wants to live with them permanently which is a different thing altogether.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Pack your bags brother. You have no power in this situation. Your wife moved her son into your home because she wants him there...she needs him there, and nothing you can say or do will change anything. This is why most second marriages with children involved fail. She will never take your side over her son. So either suck it up and tolerate it, or move out.


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## biskey77jjr (8 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Does he work? Does his wife work? Does his wife do any cleaning etc?
> As has been said I can understand helping family for a time, but it seems she wants to live with them permanently which is a different thing altogether.


He works..she can't due to seizures and she dropped out in 8th grade....she did work at Mc Donald's twice...fired both times..... further they need to be under one roof because they have ADHD and take care of themselves, which has been proven over the years...Their apartments have always been trashed....that is bs.....heed has some issues but runs away when cleaning is to be done....his mantra is for everyone to be happy, as long as he can cook and PLAY VIDEO GAMES!!! 40 year old father of two...it's truly a shame and not fair to all of us especially the children.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

biskey77jjr said:


> He works..she can't due to seizures and she dropped out in 8th grade....she did work at Mc Donald's twice...fired both times..... further they need to be under one roof because they have ADHD and take care of themselves, which has been proven over the years...Their apartments have always been trashed....that is bs.....heed has some issues but runs away when cleaning is to be done....his mantra is for everyone to be happy, as long as he can cook and PLAY VIDEO GAMES!!! 40 year old father of two...it's truly a shame and not fair to all of us especially the children.


Is she under medication for her seizures? They also have ADHD meds that I presume they are on and should be helping, no? If he has a job, let HIM pay for a cleaning service for their rooms.... (and I agree -- you need to separate your fund from your wife or she will funnel a ton of YOUR $$$ to them...


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