# Need advice!!



## gman02111

Hello


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## She'sStillGotIt

Let me guess.

You've met a new 'friend' at work or online or on Facebook or at the Piggly Wiggly while picking up milk and eggs and suddenly, you're realizing just how empty your marriage has been all these years. But alas, your wife hasn't worked since Hector was a pup and she's now 50 with no job experience at all and zero marketability in the the job market. So it stands to reason you could be on the hook for possibly lifetime alimony since your wife hasn't worked in so long and has no feasible means to support herself in the lifestyle to which she's become accustomed.

Secondly, she's also entitled to a portion of your 401k and retirement accounts since she's been with you for so many years. Third, every asset you've both acquired these last 23 years would be split right down the middle.

And of course, there's the matter of your kids who will no doubt be unhappy with their father because he was supposed to grow old and retire with their mom and here he is suddenly wanting out and rewriting the history of his marriage because he got a wild hair up his ass.

So the question is, how *does *one extricate this albatross from around his neck successfully and in a way that everyone's happy?

When you find out the answer to *that*, can you let me know? I'm curious as hell.


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## gman02111

Well that’s pretty judgmental for forums to help one another. But, no there is no one else that has my interest for your information. Sounds like that happened to you. You sound bitter, I’m sorry you’re miserable.


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## TJW

gman02111 said:


> Do I stay and be unhappy and take the chance for happiness? Feel stuck.


Don't stay and be unhappy, nor take the chance for it. Get un-stuck. There are many choices you can make. One such choice is to try to re-start your marriage. I'm not saying this is always possible, but it is worth the effort you will make, you may indeed be rewarded for your effort.

There are other activities you can take responsibly and morally.... learn a new discipline, play golf, go fishing, develop friendships outside your marriage, the list of worthwhile things is endless.


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## EleGirl

gman02111 said:


> Hello, been reading some posts for a while and decided to join for some advice. Married to my wife for 23 yrs. We have 3 adult children. I have not felt the way l should in this marriage. Meaning no compassion, love, this seems more friendly than anything. She would be devastated if we split, she was a stay at home for years and no job now at 49. Do I stay and be unhappy and take the chance for happiness? Feel stuck.
> Thanks everyone


Tell me about your marriage. For example...

How many hours a week do you and your wife spend in quality time together, just the two of you? That means without your children, friends, and extended family?


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## EleGirl

gman02111 said:


> Well that’s pretty judgmental for forums to help one another. But, no there is no one else that has my interest for your information. Sounds like that happened to you. You sound bitter, I’m sorry you’re miserable.


This is a public forum. Just ignore that posts that you feel have no value for you. If they are really bad and break forum rules, you can report them. There are three dots (in a vertical row) at the top right of each post. Click on that and select "report".


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## Casual Observer

gman02111 said:


> Hello, been reading some posts for a while and decided to join for some advice. Married to my wife for 23 yrs. We have 3 adult children. I have not felt the way l should in this marriage. Meaning no compassion, love, this seems more friendly than anything. She would be devastated if we split, she was a stay at home for years and no job now at 49. Do I stay and be unhappy and take the chance for happiness? Feel stuck.
> Thanks everyone


A lot of talk about how you feel about her... how does she feel about you? Have either of you been in therapy previously? MC?


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## gman02111

Casual Observer said:


> A lot of talk about how you feel about her... how does she feel about you? Have either of you been in therapy previously? MC?


Yes


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## gman02111

EleGirl said:


> Tell me about your marriage. For example...
> 
> How many hours a week do you and your wife spend in quality time together, just the two of you? That means without your children, friends, and extended family?


We spend a lot of time together,


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## EleGirl

gman02111 said:


> We spend a lot of time together, that’s not the issue. Bottom line is I’m not in love and never was. We dated for a short time, she got pregnant and we married. Then life happens and here we are.. I’d hate to hurt her.


When you spend all this time together, what sort of things do you do? How many hours a week do you two spend doing this?

Look, I'm asking for a reason, so I hope you will answer.


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## BluesPower

Everyone is asking questions that should come later. 

Tell us what is going on in your marriage. What at the issues. 

Are you saying that you got married and did not want to? 

Tell us more about what is going on so that we may advise you better...


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## Spicy

Does she know how you feel? Perhaps she feels the same way...tell us about the communication you have had about your unhappiness.


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## TJW

gman02111 said:


> Bottom line is I’m not in love and never was.


But, the fact that you would hate to hurt her.... tells me you love her. Because, that's what love is..... 

Tell us the things about your wife that are good reasons you should be in love with her. I mean, if you were a different guy, and you met your wife, what would cause you to fall in love with her ?


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## Diceplayer

Sounds like you are looking to others to make you happy. God did not equip your wife, nor anyone else to make you happy. You say you have no compassion for her and yet you stayed with her for 23 years and you don't want to hurt her. To me, that in itself shows compassion. Is it possible that you have needs that are not being met? Are you meeting hers? In my opinion, you need to do a deep dive into what's really going on here and get to the root of your unhappiness.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

OP,
Kindly, the information you've shared so far is typical and generic.

The one detail revealed so far is your W is a sahm/w, your three kids are now grown, and you're feeling like you have a little freedom in your life now but also feel like your W is holding you back.


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## TJW

Carlos Castaneda:

"The basic difference between an ordinary man and a warrior is that a warrior takes everything as a challenge while an ordinary man takes everything as a blessing or a curse."

Your choice.....


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## maquiscat

gman02111 said:


> Well that’s pretty judgmental for forums to help one another. But, no there is no one else that has my interest for your information. Sounds like that happened to you. You sound bitter, I’m sorry you’re miserable.


Sorry for that. There are plenty who will not jump to conclusions, so be patient. That said, realize that when you put out enough that we see you are the cause or part of the cause, we will not hesitate to throw it out there. Not to be mean or bitter, but to point out your errors for you to fix. We're not invested in your friendship, so it's no skin off our back to be bluntly, albeit courteously, honest with you.

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


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## maquiscat

gman02111 said:


> We spend a lot of time together, that’s not the issue. Bottom line is I’m not in love and never was. We dated for a short time, she got pregnant and we married. Then life happens and here we are.. I’d hate to hurt her.


Just to be clear. Love was never truly a part of this marriage? It was done purely for the child?

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


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## jlg07

gman02111 said:


> I have not felt the way l should in this marriage. Meaning no compassion, love, this seems more friendly than anything. She would be devastated if we split, she was a stay at home for years and no job now at 49. Do I stay and be unhappy and take the chance for happiness? Feel stuck.


So, have YOU ever investigated WHY you have no compassion for your wife? No love? 23 YEARS is a LONG time to not have ever had these feelings for her. Yes, you got her pregnant and married her BUT YOU HAD 2 MORE kids with her? Have you done any Individual counseling to discuss this and learn about yourself?
If you had no compassion/love for her, that means to me that you didn't do normal activities with her that would have engendered that love/compassion to grow -- is that the case?

You mention that you did MC but she didn't like that -- why didn't she like it?

Also, you mention that she would be devastated -- I think this DOES point to how strong your feelings are for her. Maybe you need to reflect a bit on that?

What specifically do you feel is lacking from her in the marriage? Marriage isn't a Hallmark movie -- it takes WORK to make it a solid relationship. LOTS of work and communication.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

jlg07 said:


> So, have YOU ever investigated WHY you have no compassion for your wife? No love? 23 YEARS is a LONG time to not have ever had these feelings for her. Yes, you got her pregnant and married her BUT YOU HAD 2 MORE kids with her? Have you done any Individual counseling to discuss this and learn about yourself?
> If you had no compassion/love for her, that means to me that you didn't do normal activities with her that would have engendered that love/compassion to grow -- is that the case?
> 
> You mention that you did MC but she didn't like that -- why didn't she like it?
> 
> Also, you mention that she would be devastated -- I think this DOES point to how strong your feelings are for her. Maybe you need to reflect a bit on that?
> 
> What specifically do you feel is lacking from her in the marriage? Marriage isn't a Hallmark movie -- it takes WORK to make it a solid relationship. LOTS of work and communication.


This was the point I was getting to but didn't want to write it up.

Well said!!


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## Marduk

gman02111 said:


> Hello, been reading some posts for a while and decided to join for some advice. Married to my wife for 23 yrs. We have 3 adult children. I have not felt the way l should in this marriage. Meaning no compassion, love, this seems more friendly than anything. She would be devastated if we split, she was a stay at home for years and no job now at 49. Do I stay and be unhappy and take the chance for happiness? Feel stuck.
> Thanks everyone


I'm kind of struggling with your story here.

I mean, you say you were never 'into' her but married her because she got pregnant. Then you stayed with her for 23 years, had 2 more kids, and all of them are adults.

And 23 years later you've decided you're unhappy enough that you might want to divorce.

Why now? Why not after 22 years or 21 years? What's different now?

And what exactly is it that you want that you're not getting? Meaning, what physical actions do you want her to do that she's not doing?

Or is there nothing she can do and you're just checked out?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Are you sure you're not just desiring more alone time? 

Have you ever lived on your own before? If not then this may well be you're now confident enough and with means enough to do so.

And with that, empty nester syndrome, 20 year itch syndrome, martyr syndrome.

You might be better served by thinking about what if your W left you, as soon as tomorrow?

It's guaranteed that she can tell that somethings off with you.

She might leave you first. Do you really think she doesn't have an opinion on your M with her?

I'm not saying right or wrong but it is a possibility you just want to be a cake eater. As in you want to be able to go chase some strange but your W is keeping from it.

Your W has helped you mature and be the person you are. 

Are you quite sure your need for personal growth must include divorcing your W?

If so then hey, own it. But be careful what you wish for..


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