# Make more money, I want to stay with the kids



## Neskol (May 17, 2010)

We've been married for almost 10 years and have 3 kids. The first one will be in 1st grade in August of '19 and my wife is riding me hard to get a new job so she doesn't have to work two nights a week and she can be home when the kids get home. 

I have a flexible job and typically work 8am to 4:30pm. My wife works Monday and Tuesday 4pm till 8pm and one weekend day a month for 8 hours. We need her income to get by ($500/mo). She's constantly saying I should get a better paying job and she is right when she says I'm comfortable in my current job and not applying myself in finding a new one, I am my own boss for the most part and can come and go as I please so what's there not to like other than wanting more money. This has increased in the last month and the threats came that she would be very upset if she is still working when my son hits first grade. I just don't see the big deal with working two nights but according to her it is the end of the world. When she works I'm home so I interpret it as, "I don't care that you like your job and enjoy the two nights with the kids alone I want that time home". 

Some of my attitude may stem from how I feel I'm secretly compared to her dad or brother in law, they were fortunate to make enough that their wives never had to work, though she will never admit to that. 

I get crap daily about what did I apply to and how she hates working. I'm so tired of having to answer her why I didn't like the last job she sent me or why I didn't apply to the company her brother in law works at. It seems the only solution to this is me to suck it up and get a higher paying job and hope to find something I enjoy and isn't demanding my blood. I'm getting the distinct feeling I'm a tool here and can't shake it.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Well, if you are cutting things so close that $500 a month is going to make or break you, maybe you do need to think about something better. But I do think its smart for your wife to stay employed. It can be difficult for people to reenter the working world after being out for years tending their families. What if something happens in the future with your job, or your ability to work? Or if something happens that you split? She would need to be able to step up. Sounds to me like she just doesnt want to work, and that can be a bad thing, for sure.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Your first child will be starting school which can be very stressful
for some mothers. She wants to be there when they get home.
My wife took time off from working while our two children were 
younger. When children are young mothers can be very protective .
That is what she is probably feeling, missing out on something.

You say you are comfortable and your own boss. You can come and go
as you please. She is not comfortable and this may just get worse.
I would suggest you consider working something out with her. At least until
your children are a little older then they usually don't want parents hanging 
around a lot.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

I think you're justified being resentful. All of us would prefer to stay home and not work. It's one thing to dream of not working, but it's another to pressure you to take on all the financial responsibility so she can stay home. 

Are your hours flexible enough so that you can be home after school? Could you work from 7am to 3pm? This would allow your wife to work from 3-7 or whatever.

I also agree that if her $500 is what is keeping you afloat, you're not financially stable enough for her to quit. Kids are expensive. Unless you're able to continually increase your salary, she'll likely need to keep working.

One thing to keep in mind if she stays home is that you will be on the hook for alimony if you break up. I'm sure you don't want to think about that, but the implicit agreement is that if she leaves the workforce, you are responsible for her future financial stability.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Neskol said:


> I'm getting the distinct feeling I'm a tool here and can't shake it.


Many wives are maternally oriented and would love to stay home with the kids. There's nothing wrong with that instinct. There's also nothing wrong with wanting a spouse to be able to provide better. 

.... however....

her working just two evenings a week, while you are at home with the kids, kind of makes the part of your OP that I saved and quoted seem like a very apt thought. 


Beware. My crystal ball sees a life of indentured servitude here.

Full disclosure: my wife quit working with the arrival of our first, and never went back. Now, in our situation, for a wide range of reasons, that was what was best for us... but I did feel like a sperm donor/tool at times, especially later on.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Neskol said:


> Some of my attitude may stem from how I feel I'm secretly compared to her dad or brother in law, they were fortunate to make enough that their wives never had to work, though she will never admit to that.
> 
> I'm getting the distinct feeling I'm a tool here and can't shake it.


I think your feeling is accurate. I don't think her comparisons are "secret", either. She learned a sense of entitlement to stay home.

That's unfortunate, but do yourself a BIG favor and keep your job. If it's that good, don't let go. Let your wife live in the current world where a very, very small percentage of mothers get to stay home. Hell's bells, she only works part time..... she should consider herself fortunate. Many mothers are working full-time while raising kids.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Neskol said:


> It seems the only solution to this is me to suck it up and get a higher paying job and hope to find something I enjoy and isn't demanding my blood.


Trust me on this. BTDT. It was a BIG (BIG) mistake. A career-ruining mistake. Don't. 



Neskol said:


> I'm so tired of having to answer her why I didn't like the last job she sent me or why I didn't apply to the company her brother in law works at.


BTDT, too. Drove me crazy. Bottom line, she didn't give a carpenter's damn about me. It was her and the kids, and I could go to hell in a rowboat, so long as she could stay home.

Don't buy into this.


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## jywilli69 (Apr 3, 2019)

Neskol said:


> We've been married for almost 10 years and have 3 kids. The first one will be in 1st grade in August of '19 and my wife is riding me hard to get a new job so she doesn't have to work two nights a week and she can be home when the kids get home.
> 
> I have a flexible job and typically work 8am to 4:30pm. My wife works Monday and Tuesday 4pm till 8pm and one weekend day a month for 8 hours. We need her income to get by ($500/mo). She's constantly saying I should get a better paying job and she is right when she says I'm comfortable in my current job and not applying myself in finding a new one, I am my own boss for the most part and can come and go as I please so what's there not to like other than wanting more money. This has increased in the last month and the threats came that she would be very upset if she is still working when my son hits first grade. I just don't see the big deal with working two nights but according to her it is the end of the world. When she works I'm home so I interpret it as, "I don't care that you like your job and enjoy the two nights with the kids alone I want that time home".
> 
> ...


I am by far any expert on this subject, but I would encourage her to work a couple more days to help bring in more money. It took 2 of you to play to have 3 kids. If your helping with the cooking and chores, she should reap the rewards by working more.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Talk about entitlement! Tell her to find a higher paying job herself or one with more compatible hours, and put the kids in daycare with the extra money. Meanwhile, if your job is so flexible, arrange it so that you can be home early on the days that she works so YOU are there for the kid(s) to come home from school.

Why should you have to change from a job you evidently enjoy to one that may make you bitter and resentful?

Heck, tell HER to get a nice high paying job so YOU can take a turn being home with the kids.


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## msrv23 (Jul 14, 2017)

As a working mom I would have suggested a different perspective to her if I was her friend.

It’s understandable to be protective of the kids, but as a protective mom I feel that having a career is not only sharing a burden of my husband to earn money, but also by being able to make money by myself I can take care of the kids better. We can afford better education, health, and if something happens to my husband I can sustain us all.

It sucks to not be the entire time with the kids but she can provide more security to them.
Besides, maybe she can find jobs with better conditions and flexibility so she can make more time.


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

She could get a job during the day if all the kids are in school. She could even get a job at the school and be able to take the kids home with her.


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