# Confused about whether or not to contact my ex



## martynorbit (Sep 12, 2012)

Hi,

I am a first-time user so I hope that this will assist me. Basically I got divorced about 18 months ago following a 10 year marriage. Although my ex and I are not religious we had a religious ceremony when we got married to satisfy our families. 

Fast forward to today and both of us have moved on. My ex now has a baby with his new partner and I am in a relationship as well. Neither of our partners are from the same faith as us and this is fine by both of us. I have not had any contact with my ex since we divorced as things got quite messy and unpleasant between us.

The reason I am posting is that my sister is extremely religious, and she has been putting a lot of pressure on both me and my parents to organise a spitritual divorce as she is concerned that my "soul is suffering". I really don't care about this as I am very unlikley to remarry into the same religious faith and there is also quite a large cost involved which I don't feel like funding.

I have found out that my parents have been in contact with my ex, wanting to catch up. They have made out like they just want to see him again socially, and have not indicated in any way that they are seeking contact to discuss this spiritual divorce.

I feel that it is wrong to put him on the spot like this and catch up on false pretenses and want to email him to warn him but my partner is absolutely dead against the idea. I know that if the situations were reversed I would appreciate the warning.

Any suggestions about how to proceed? I have tried to tell my sister to forget it but she is VERY determined to make this happen.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

He's your ex. It was your marriage. It was your divorce. If sister wants a "spiritual divorce" she can get married and then divorce the guy spiritually. Whatever your soul needs is business between you and whichever diety you prescribe to. God doesn't require you to swipe your Visa before He attends to your soul's needs. He's more than capable of fixing whatever ails a soul He created and He doesn't need the assistance of high priced voo-doo practitioners, snake handlers, TV evangelists, or whomever. I guess your parents are free to socialize as they wish, but if they want to keep seeing you at Thanksgiving dinner, they may want to readjust their priorities. There's no way I'm "catching up" with my daughter's ex. She's my blood and that's where my loyalty lies.


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## martynorbit (Sep 12, 2012)

Thanks unbelievable,

I must say I feel the same way. I don't know why my parents are doing this as it does feel like a big betrayal and I think my ex and I are more than capable of sorting out our souls ourselves.


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

It is your business not your sisters. If you are happy with everything, you keep doing you...


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## lynn42 (Aug 30, 2012)

you have a different life now and have moved on, if it were me, i would not contact my ex.Nor should family members have anymore say in anything. Good luck and stay happy!


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## martynorbit (Sep 12, 2012)

I guess that by contacting him I am protecting him instead of myself. he is a big boy, he can fend off my parents if he so wishes I suppose...


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

He is your ex for a reason. It is no need in you having anything to do with him.


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## martynorbit (Sep 12, 2012)

mrstj4sho88 said:


> He is your ex for a reason. It is no need in you having anything to do with him.



I iwsh my parents felt the same. They even continue to send him birthday cards...


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I would tell your sister and your parents to mind their own business. Your soul is your problem and so is your life. Tell them to mind their own souls because you take care of yours just fine.

Harsh but sometimes with overbearing family members you have to be harsh to clear the air.


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## xirokx (Aug 14, 2012)

your soul is eternal.

It cannot be slain, cannot be burnt, cannot be cut, cannot be weathered. Even if you died (god forbid) by a nuke, your soul will still continue..

So if all the above cannot damage your soul, how does divorce..


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

martynorbit said:


> The reason I am posting is that my sister is extremely religious, and she has been putting a lot of pressure on both me and my parents to organise a spitritual divorce as she is concerned that my "soul is suffering". I really don't care about this as I am very unlikley to remarry into the same religious faith and there is also quite a large cost involved which I don't feel like funding.


Wow. Your sister is totally out of line here. It's not up to her how you handle things. The fact that she would even suggest this is ridiculous.

Tell her straight up: I can appreciate your concern for me but I do not agree with you at all. Ex and I already divorced and are fine with the way things are. I do not want or need a ceremony and would appreciate if you dropped this subject altogether. 

If she presses then tell her that when/i fshe ever divorces it, she can handle it this way but you will have no part of this.

Your sister is being totally inappropriate. It's calling MINDING YOUR BUSINESS which she is not doing. I probaby would have gone off on her but that is me.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I would tell your sister and your parents to mind their own business. Your soul is your problem and so is your life. Tell them to mind their own souls because you take care of yours just fine.
> 
> Harsh but sometimes with overbearing family members you have to be harsh to clear the air.


:iagree: 

Plus I'm laughing at the mental pic of someone screaming to their family "My soul is my problem! Worry about your own soul!" :smthumbup:



unbelievable said:


> He's your ex. It was your marriage. It was your divorce. If sister wants a "spiritual divorce" she can get married and then divorce the guy spiritually.


Exactly!


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## OhhShiney (Apr 8, 2011)

martynorbit said:


> Hi,
> Any suggestions about how to proceed? I have tried to tell my sister to forget it but she is VERY determined to make this happen.


i could not believe my eyes as i read this post. This is between you, you ex, and God in whatever form such a deity is relevant to you and your ex. 

i got married to my ex in a church to make her *sister's husband *happy. it was convenient, inexpensive, and we needed a hall and a facilitator to do the ceremony. For us it was a convenience that shut up an annoying in-law.(i suppose it was a marriage of convenience?) Alas, were young and so very naive.

i regretted that for the entire process up to and including our divorce 30 years later as suddenly we were subjected to mountains of enthusiastic biblical dogma and the attention of a congregation of people I never liked who were certain we would go to hell the entire time. 

(My ex and I were atheists and still are.) Those amongst them who didn't condemn us under their breaths were openly praying for our souls.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

How to proceed? If your sister is married, I'd ask her when the last time she greeted her husband at the door naked, dropped to her knees, and gave him a welcome he'd never forget. She'd probably be aghast that you'd ask something so deeply personal. Remind her that your marriage and your divorce are also intensely personal. If she doesn't want you in her intimate business, she stays out of yours. The same tactic might work on your parents. If they are extremely religious, it'll make their hair stand straight up and they won't be able to form complete sentences for a week.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

You should do what you want and your sister is out of place. I would probably not get involved with what your parents do. Since there are apparently no children, there is no reason for you to have a relationship with your ex.


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## martynorbit (Sep 12, 2012)

Thanks for all your support. I actually had a good chuckle at some of your responses, which was great.

I totally agree that this is between me and my ex and my sister and parents should stay well clear of the situation. I am just not sure they will respect that request so need to work out the best way to manage the situation...


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

People are going to play whatever goofy games they wish to play. There's no law that requires you to participate. I have the patience of Job, but there is a bare minimum level of respect I require from those who wish to hang with me. That includes family.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> People are going to play whatever goofy games they wish to play. There's no law that requires you to participate.


This. 
If they can't respect your decision, that is their problem. You can tell them as much. You should not kowtow to them just because it's something they want. After all, thsi was YOUR marriage and divorce. They really need to mind their own business.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

You can add me to the list of people that has you not giving a flip about what your sister or parents think.

Grow some fem-balls and stop living your life for others, you're a grown a$$ woman.


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## martynorbit (Sep 12, 2012)

The thing is though, in my experience with my crazy sister, she does end up getting her way because she is so full on about her ranting and raving that the path of least resistance is often to just give in. It goes against the grain for me to just cave like that, but it does make life easier sometimes.

I ended up emailing my ex to give him the heads-up. I kept it very light-hearted and made it clear that I didn't want to re-establish contact, and that I was fine with him telling my parents no. I figured some additional warning might make it easier for him to do this. He has not responded but I do feel better as at least I have taken some control of the whole ridiculous situation.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

So you've conditioned your sister to pester you until you get your way. Well your a grown up I'm sure you can figure out the solution.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Ranting and raving are common features of the mentally challenged. Like flatulence, it's noise. Unproductive, unpleasant, offensive, but really only noise. Even if she's upset, I guarantee the sun will still rise tomorrow. The rain will keep falling. The earth will keep revolving.


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