# Considering divorce... long



## greenerpastures (Jun 15, 2012)

I'm new to this forum but have learned a lot in the short time I've been here. I would like to get some advice from you guys. Maybe you can point something out that is glaringly obvious that I am missing. Background: I started dating my husband when I was 16 and he was 27. We have been together for 14 years, married for 5 (I'm 30 now). I never had any other boyfriends, and he's told me his dating was very limited before me. I used to be a quiet, shy person in high school. Over the years between college and my various jobs, I have matured into a social, chatty person who likes to be around people. My husband has not changed personality-wise since I've met him. He's always been reserved, not very interested in talking to other people, the "bar scene" was not his type of place, and he has limited friends that he very rarely socializes with, even on his own. He works 40 hours during the week and then goes to his parents' house after work to work on equipment and do other farming things. I go out with friends a lot to bars, movies, or other outings. I often vacation with my parents. My husband has no interest in going to these places with me and has expressed this to me. He is fine with me going and he is content to stay at home and work on stuff. I will travel to other states and be gone for several days and he'll stay home. We vacation for one week out of the year together. On his "day off" which is Sunday, we go to town together (we live in a rural community). I recently went to the wedding of a friend. They are newly married, newly pregnant, and appear very happy although I know they have had their fair share of issues in the past. This is where the problem comes in. Being around them made me start thinking how happy (not content) I am in my current situation. I do almost everything alone, my husband doesn't like my friends and rarely spends time with his own friends, we spend maybe 24 hours a week together (he's gone to his parents' house before I get home during the week and often doesn't get home until after I'm in bed). He is ok with where we are at. I don't feel close to him any more. I would like to try and revive our marriage before I decide this situation isn't the best for me, but I don't know how or where to start. I feel like it is my fault we have grown apart and I don't know if I want to continue. Any suggestions? Anything that screams "You need to try this?" I realize I've rambled and I'm sure I missed some information. Please advise, ask questions, I'm totally unsure of what to do at this point.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I do think that this is going to wear on your relationship even more as time goes by. Can you develop some kind of hobby you can do together?

Also, why is he at his parents' house so late every night? I'm pretty sure most farming doesn't happen after dark.

And, the elephant in the living room which I might as well bring up -- how is your sex life? It's telling to me that you didn't even mention it.


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## greenerpastures (Jun 15, 2012)

lamaga: As far as hobbies, I have my horses and he has his motorcycles. I started riding motorcycles a couple years ago because it was something we could do together. It seems to be the only thing he likes to do. I like to dance, he won't do it. We go to movies and go miniature golfing occasionally, but our primary activity together is the motorcycles. Thank you for the idea. Maybe we can come up with something. As for the elephant... we don't have much sex. We pretty much have scheduled sex on Sundays. I have very little interest in sex. And he's not cheating. He actually does spend that much time at his parents'. He's done this for years. He didn't move out of his parents' house until we got married (he was 36) and I guess that probably has something to do with it. Thanks for the input!


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, it sounds like a roommate situation with occasional sex.

Many marriages have worked fine like that for centuries -- only you can say if that will be enough for you. I'm a little concerned that you've been with this guy, and this guy only, since you were 16 -- I think you are now starting to wonder what you are missing, and honestly, you are missing a lot. You are missing Life.

But you are the only one who can decide how much of a dealbreaker this is for you. Have you spoken to him about this, seriously? I know you say he's fine with it, but have you articulated that this is becoming more and more of a problem for you, and that if nothing is done, this will quite likely end your marriage?

He may need to have that 2x4 before he actually listens. Or you could just decide that this is the marriage you have, and work on your own friends and outside interests to get that stimulation. No one can decide that for you, alas.


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## MooseAndSquirrel (Jun 7, 2012)

"I feel like it is my fault we have grown apart..."

It's not your fault, and it's not his fault. It happened and you both have to deal with it. If he isn't willing to work at it too, it will never change.


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## greenerpastures (Jun 15, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Well, it sounds like a roommate situation with occasional sex.
> ***
> But you are the only one who can decide how much of a dealbreaker this is for you. Have you spoken to him about this, seriously?
> ***
> No one can decide that for you, alas.


Yes, we are roommates. I have my stuff, he has his stuff. Our finances are all separate, he buys his own groceries, I buy groceries for the both of us on the rare occasion that we eat together.
The hard part is deciding if I am happy with just being "roommates." I voiced my concerns last night. He is happy with me doing my thing and him doing his thing and just pretty much being together. I shouldn't compare our relationship to others because its like comparing apples to tator tots... they just aren't the same. I am going to start counseling, he is going to make more of an effort to spend more time together. We will see where this takes us. It may change short term, but I have a feeling we will go back to where we are now with time. I am afraid it is personality differences that are causing my discontent. Like you said, ultimately its a decision I have to make for myself.


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## greenerpastures (Jun 15, 2012)

MooseAndSquirrel said:


> "I feel like it is my fault we have grown apart..."
> 
> It's not your fault, and it's not his fault. It happened and you both have to deal with it. If he isn't willing to work at it too, it will never change.


Change is a hard thing, but sometimes we need to step out of our comfort zone. Thanks for the advice


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Do you love him? That's another thing that was pretty obviously missing from your OP.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

lamaga said:


> Do you love him? That's another thing that was pretty obviously missing from your OP.


And more importantly, do you love him as a husband, or as a brother/friend?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenerpastures (Jun 15, 2012)

Funny I haven't asked myself that question yet. I fall into the category of "I love him but i'm not in love with him." I love him like family but if we are separated for a week or two, i'm not really bothered by it. I would call out of courtesy just to check in with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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