# Am I being selfish?



## Feeling sad (Feb 12, 2014)

Hi everyone,

Looking for some advice here. Backstory is that my husband and I have been together for almost 6 years, married for over 1 year. In the 6 years together, we have moved between three countries, which was stressful. We also have had problems throughout our relationship, mainly related to my depression. 

Right after Christmas, he told me he wanted a divorce. I said no and we are now separated. We still live in the same apartment, but separate lives (separate bedrooms). I have been in therapy for the last several months in order to help me deal with all my emotions. I was doing great until a few weeks ago when my husband told me he has a girlfriend. This girlfriend is his assistant who he was having an emotional affair with last summer. To make matters worse, I found naked pictures of them two on his computer from their New Year Eve hotel stay 

I have been a complete wreck since I found out about how deep his relationship is with his gf. All the progress I made in therapy has gone downhill. My therapist has had one session with my husband recently and believes my husband is just confuse at the moment. She thinks that in order for me move forward and for my husband to start healing, I will need to forgive my husband. He has put me through hell the last few months. I cannot honestly look him in the face and say I forgive him when I am still so angry and hurt. I want to stop feeling so horrible and be able to function normally again, but I can't forgive at the moment. Am I being selfish for saying no I won't forgive him??

-Feeling Sad-


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Do you have an in-home separation agreement filed? Or is this some loose agreement between the two of you?

I ask because a lot of MSAs have an interference blurb that reads similar to below.



> Husband and Wife each shall be free from interference, restraint, authority and control, direct or indirect, by the other, as fully as if he or she were single and unmarried. Neither party hereto shall hereafter disturb, annoy, molest, harass or in any way interfere with the other, directly or indirectly.


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## betysue (Nov 30, 2013)

Wow. For one thing, does your husband want to "heal"? This happened very recently--how does your therapist think that you are ready to forgive already? Does your husband show remorse? Is he asking for forgiveness?
I'm sorry to not respect your directives from your therapist, but what he/she is telling you doesn't make sense to me from what you have said.
At this point, you should not have the pressure to do anything except set up healthy boundaries and take care of you.


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## Feeling sad (Feb 12, 2014)

Malpheous said:


> Do you have an in-home separation agreement filed? Or is this some loose agreement between the two of you?
> 
> I ask because a lot of MSAs have an interference blurb that reads similar to below.



No formal agreement. We are making up the rules as we go along. However from the beginning of the separation, he did say he will date others but would not bring the girl back to our home. I should of known then he was already with his assistant.


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## Feeling sad (Feb 12, 2014)

betysue said:


> Wow. For one thing, does your husband want to "heal"? This happened very recently--how does your therapist think that you are ready to forgive already? Does your husband show remorse? Is he asking for forgiveness?
> I'm sorry to not respect your directives from your therapist, but what he/she is telling you doesn't make sense to me from what you have said.
> At this point, you should not have the pressure to do anything except set up healthy boundaries and take care of you.


My husband has shown remorse and feels quite guilty (although not enough to leave his gf). He has a lot of his own issues. My therapist thinks he is a good guy, but is very complicated. She thinks by forgiving him, he can really start working out his own complicated issues and possibly realize later on he really needs his wife, not the gf.

For me, she thinks that by forgiving him I will let go of all my negative feelings and insecurities and move on to becoming a more happy person. I don't think I am ready just yet....


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I'd get a different therapist.
Forgiveness without remorse by the BS makes for a pretty one-sided relationship, which is never healthy.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

There are a lot of bad therapists out there, I think yours is way, way off target. Your husband abuses you by living with you while he is scr%&ing another woman! And you are supposed to just swallow that like a good little victim. 

Your self respect is worth more than living this joke. Tell him to make a choice between you and her NOW. 

I guarantee you will sink further into depression with this ridiculous advice you are getting. He is NOT a good man if he is able to play you for a fool this way. He does NOT respect you as a wife or even as a human being. 

You have to tell him to leave. Forgiveness is only for those who stop their cheating ways. 

Your local abused women's center will have therapy references, you should call them for advice, because you are being mentally abused.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Ummm no, you are not being selfish.

Your husband is being selfish by having an affair instead of divorcing you before finding another gf.

You cannot even begin to fix your marriage without a remorseful spouse. And a remorseful spouse would stop the affair immediately.


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## IronWine29 (Dec 31, 2013)

Feeling sad said:


> All the progress I made in therapy has gone downhill. My therapist has had one session with my husband recently and believes my husband is just confuse at the moment.


I suspect your therapist is the one who is confused. Listen to your feelings and find another therapist.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

And yes, please find a new therapist who is experienced in infidelity! The one you have is encouraging rugsweeping which is no way to deal with an affair!


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

You asked are you being selfish. You stated you are depressed and he wants a divorce and is having an affair.

I don't think it's selfish to expect your spouse to not sleep with other people. 

Asking for a divorce and sleeping with someone else is a pretty good sign that someone is not concerned about their partner. They want what they want and don't care about what you want.

Who is being selfish?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Your therapist is a very bad therapist.

Tell him to move out. File for divorce. He has a girlfriend. She is the reason for your problems at the moment and since they got involved. Until she goes, your husband will remain "confused." You can't forgive him of he is still cheating on you. What kind of drugs is your therapist on?


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

Wow I'm blown away. In house separation but he still has a GF and said he will date? Sorry but he's a jerk for doing that. He's walking all over you and nobody should have to put up with that.


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## Feeling sad (Feb 12, 2014)

Thanks everyone for their responses. Yes, I agree my husband is the one being selfish here. I am not willing to forgive him....he knows I am deeply hurt by his new relationship but doesn't want to end it. I've asked him several times to just put his new relationship on hold for a bit until I can get better mentally\emotionally. He said he won't be pressured into giving her up. He feels that I am pressuring him, yet the gf does the same thing. She tells him how she will go nuts if my husband left her for me...WTF?!? 

We do have a awkward living situation. I should clarify though that we live in another country at the moment. My residence visa is tied to his visa so I can't just tell him to leave. If one of us is to leave, it would have to be me and I would need to leave the country. Other then my relationship problems, I am quite settled in my new life so it is very hard for me to think about leaving. 

As for the therapist, I do think I need to find someone new. She tried to compare the situation to having your own child. When your child does something bad and knows it, you still forgive that child because you love him\her. I understand that to a certain degree, but a child will never hurt you over and over again.


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## TimesLikeThese (Sep 13, 2012)

I think the people who have suggested filling for divorce are correct. The longer you stay in a poisonous situation the more damage you do to yourself. Obviously this is easy for someone to say, but a lot harder to accomplish.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

You are not being selfish. You need to start getting angry at how poorly your husband is treating you.

He is acting as if you are less than the dirt on his shoes!! How dare he treat you this way?/

You deserve so much more, you deserve REAL love. This is not love. I understand you are in a difficult situation, but you are a strong person and can survive anything.

Read up on the 180 and begin implementing this. Read up more on betrayed spouses, go over to the Coping with Infidelity section. 
We will all help you get your wings so you can fly free of this joke of a marriage.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

No forgiveness until he shows TRUE REMORSE......File now, you can always pull the papers later......your therapist STINKS, husband moves out.......period. You will save yourself a lot of angst by acting quickly in this. I'm actually one of the more conservative "save the marriage" types but this has disaster written all over it. I am sorry this is happening to you.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Have you verified that you could not stay if he moved out? Ask for advice on visajourney.com


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Feeling sad, can you say which country or general region you are in? I have a lot of experience with a marriage breaking up abroad. You can pm me if you want. My answer may differ depending on your location. But first, get a therapist trained in the US, or the UK. The culture has a huge impact and your therapist sounds really off for an American couple.

Second, you are not being selfish. 

Third, if you are an expat that is an accompanying spouse, and your marriage is breaking up, you need to find work. Do you have a work permit? If not, you need to think about returning to your home country (US?). I know it is a seductive lifestyle, but not at the expense of your self respect.


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

This is about your self respect. It's gone out the window and is going to continue to dwindle as long as you listen to this therapist and live with your husband under these conditions. Get the hell out of there as fast as you can. You're self respect is what is important. Everyday you stay in that house with your husband another piece of you is lost. Run! 180!


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

Private message Fenix for advice on breaking up while overseas like yesterday.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Your therapist is an idiot. Fire him.


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