# Problem in marriage...maybe...I don't know



## questionswhy??? (Sep 23, 2011)

I'm new here and have been lurking for a couple of months now.
I have read thru a lot of the posts here in the various folders trying to seek out some advice on my own with no luck.
Hence this new post.

My hubby and I have been married for 20 yrs. We are 38 and 42.
We have 6 kids. 3 are grown and 3 are still at home. Ages for the ones at home are 10, 13, and 15.
I have been a work at home mom for 7 yrs and he has been a truck driver for 18.

Being a truck driver, he is only at home 1-2 days a week.
So there's not a lot of time for us when he is home. It sucks but I am accustomed to it.
I wait on him hand and foot when he is home and believe it or not, the "honey-do" list is almost non-existent.
I'm not a nagger and do the best I can to keep our home clean.
The kids are very well behaved and enjoy the time he spends with them.
When he is out on the road, he does call a couple of times a day to talk to us and always calls the kids before bed to say prayers with them.

If I am totally honest, he is more of a visitor/guest and that's one of the reasons I try to be good to him.
I do love him very much and would do just about anything to make him happy.

First problem......
Our sex life is good when he is home but this is also where my questions/suspicions come into play.
After sex, we used to lay in bed and cuddle and talk until we went to sleep. 
Now remember he is only home 1-2 days a week.
This has been the way we have always done it for 20 yrs until the past few months.
Now after sex, he gets up and goes outside to smoke and then to the living room to watch more tv.
At 1st, I was like WTF..... he just claimed that he had a lot on his mind and I just let it go.
This has been happening every single time now for months.

Second problem.....
Calls have almost stopped except for the nightly calls for the kids.
If I call him, he never answers and it usually takes a few minutes/hours for him to call me back. 
His excuse is that he was out of the truck. 
When he does call back he only talks for a few minutes and has to hang up.

I came here thinking I may have done something wrong or I wasn't doing enough.
I'm not perfect and don't claim to be, but he is one of the most important people in my life and I try to show that.

I can almost bet you all will think he is having an affair. To be honest, I do. That's how I ended up here.
Some will say get a VAR, check the cell, computer, get a keylogger, gps.
Those things won't work for me. 
His cell is a company phone. I can't check it because it is pw protected. I can't very well ask for the pw. 
No way to access it online.
His laptop is a company laptop and is always in his truck. He never has brought it home.
What good would a VAR do when I can't get it into his truck. It would be pointless to put it in his pickup.
I can't go snooping here at home because he doesn't have anything here for me to find.

Can anyone give me advice about what I need to do?
I'm lost and need a bit of direction.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I wouldn't automatically assume A, it is hard to see red flags when you are away from each other so much, but there DEFINITELY is something that has changed his behavior. Maybe it is stress of the job? Or depression? It could very well be he is just checking out of marriage because it doesn't have the intimacy required to maintain that bond - that is just as much a threat to the marriage as cheating, but atleast can be repaired back to its original condition.

My only advice is to start communicating more, the time apart from each other is cutting into your relationship in multiple ways - perhaps the long term solution is a career change for one or the other?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

It's hard to try and communicate with a person that's unavailable. He's not there physically, which should mean he would be there in other ways. For whatever reason he's stopped communicating with you, and being intimate with you.. and I'm not just talking about physical.

Do you really feel like he's having an affair? Is this what your gut tells you? I think when he's home the next time, I would make it a point to spend some time alone (not in the bedroom) and talk. Tell him you feel he's pulled away from you. Ask him if anything is wrong. If you can't reach him while he's on the road you need to get his attention when he's home with you face to face. You'll also be able to gage by his body language if he gets uncomfortable or strange acting.


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## questionswhy??? (Sep 23, 2011)

Ok, here is a bit more info that I have been able to collect.

I do believe that he is having an EA with a lady friend or friends.
I caught him on the phone yesterday talking to one of two different women.
According to him he has been talking to her and also another woman for the past few months.

He will not come out and say that he is doing anything wrong.
He of course claims that they are just friends.

Please, if you all have any advice as to what I need to do, I would be grateful to hear it.
I can't stop crying long enough to clear my head and figure out what to do.
My heart has been ripped out and shredded.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

questionswhy??? said:


> Ok, here is a bit more info that I have been able to collect.
> 
> I do believe that he is having an EA with a lady friend or friends.
> I caught him on the phone yesterday talking to one of two different women.
> ...



I know this is hard for you, but first pull yourself together. If you're an emotional wreck, you won't be able to handle what to do next.

I see two things. You don't like his friendships with these women he calls friends (#1). He says they're just friends and sees nothing wrong with his talking to them (#2). 

To take care of #1, you need to come out and tell him you are uncomfortable with his friendships with these women. I don't think you need more explanation than that... something about his conversations with them have you on edge and you shouldn't ignore that.

After you share this info, how he handles #2 is entirely up to him. Either he will ignore your feelings on the matter and continue to do what he's doing, in which case YOU will have to decide how you want to proceed, OR best case scenario he'll cut off all contact in respect of his wife's feelings. This situation IMO is a test of respect which he can either pass or fail depending on his response to your concerns.

I'm sure you wouldn't bring it up unless it was a real problem for you. He should understand that, and acknowledge his wife is uncomfortable and likely uncomfortable for a very good reason. He knows what he's done and what he's said, and whether or not it's crossed a line. Let's hope he has a conscience about it and is honest with you.


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## questionswhy??? (Sep 23, 2011)

He should be back in Tuesday night / Wednesday morning.
I am going to try to sit down and talk with him again.
But I know in my heart it's going to get me nowhere.

It's not the fact of him being friends with these ladies that bother me.
It's the fact that he hid them and their so called innocent friendship.
If it was innocent then there would be no need to hide.

I overheard part of the conversation and he was talking about how much of a ***** I am being lately and so on.
He said that he felt like he was losing his identity, whatever the hell that means.
But when I confronted him and he began denying, I certainly showed him how much of a ***** I could really be. 

I mean if you all go back and read my 1st post, you'll see everything I do for him, what more could I add to the list?
I'm not perfect but damn, I try to be. But I don't think anyone could be June Cleaver.
I have always respected and treated him as the head of this house and for all of my efforts I get cheated on.
I am so angry and hurt that I can't see straight. I don't think that I could get any more angry.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Tell him to man-up and tell you what the heII is going on.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

questionswhy??? said:


> He should be back in Tuesday night / Wednesday morning.
> I am going to try to sit down and talk with him again.
> But I know in my heart it's going to get me nowhere.
> 
> ...


You could be the perfect wife, and your husband could still cheat. Cheating is less about the one cheated on than it is about the cheater. HE'S got something going on with him, and it has nothing to do with you. He's not telling you what it is, he's instead reaching out to other women and telling THEM. He's building emotional ties with other women outside of your marriage... maybe it's not physical yet, maybe it has gone that far. You don't know because he's away from home 5 days a week.

If you believe talking to him tonight won't help, I suggest writing it down in letter form and giving it to him to read. Thoughts can be better expressed in written form, he cannot interrupt you with a defense, you will have his undivided attention. Give it to him when the kids go to bed or when there's a quiet time before you both go to bed. He needs to really be made to understand that his behavior has crossed some lines for you, and that he needs to explain what's really going on. Not later, but today.


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## questionswhy??? (Sep 23, 2011)

I know that I haven't responded to each post but I have been taking all the advice to heart.
I'm in a awful place and it just seems that things are getting worse instead of better.
Thank You A Bit Much for trying to give me a flashlight in this darkness. 

I had a talk with him yesterday.
It didn't go well for me. I am just now able to stop crying but I can't seem to get past this terrible rage. 
He told me that there is a lot more going on than what I really thought.

There are 2 different women. I don't know either of them. 
He has been seeing them for almost 18 months.
He usually leaves home to go to work on Sunday afternoon.
He has been stopping to pick up woman #1 and taking her with him during the first part of the week.
He will then come back in to get another load, drop #1 at her house and spend the night with woman #2.
Then he will pick #1 back up and head out again. All the while telling me and the kids that he is still out on the road.

I found out things about their little sexcapades and everything. It was lilke he had diarrhea of the mouth once he got to talking.
I couldn't say anything. It was like my words were caught in my throat. 
He seemed relieved to tell me and there I sat, stuck.
It was like time had stopped when he started talking.

He said that he loved me and the kids but he didn't know what he wanted to do. I just got up and walked away. 
I couldn't bring myself to even speak to him. After about an hour, he left. I haven't spoken to him since. He has called a couple of times, but I just turned the phone off.

I know I probably should kick his ass to the curb, but I don't want to do that. I also don't want him now, knowing what I know.

Where do I start? How can I make a good decision when it seems like my life has exploded into a million pieces?
It's like I have been living in a house of mirrors and only seeing what he has wanted me to see for the past 20 years.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Kick him, and file for divorce. Next, get checked for STDs. Once that is rolling you can explore what it might take for you to accept him back if you decide you want to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## questionswhy??? (Sep 23, 2011)

If I just kick him out, doesn't that just give him a free pass to do whatever he wants with these women?

I really thought about just packing up his things and taking them to the truck yard and putting them in his car. 
I could have the locks changed and all of that other good stuff.

But I just can't make myself do that. 
I'm stuck in **** and I feel like I am drowning in it.

I have so much rage inside that if I were to see him, I could rip his throat out. I have never felt this much anger before in my life.


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## Whattodowiththis (Sep 18, 2011)

Im in a similar situation. My husband is gone even more than yours is for work. I found out his dirty deeds and was devastated as you are. Now my marriage is by no means as in depth as yours meaning we have no children together and have been married less than a year. Heres the best advice I can give you. Contemplate what you really want. Not whats most ideal...but what you really want as an outcome. If you do decide you want to try and recover the marriage...if.. then its simple. Come up with exactly what you require of him to give you two the chance to start the repair process. No contact..full transparency..councilling...whatever you require. He in turn will choose to take the chance you give him to heart and take steps...or he wont. 

If he does not do not take this as you not being worth the effort...view it as you being given the chance to attain better. Do not drop your standards or requirements of him. Sometimes walking away is the healthiest choice for everyone involved.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Yeah, if he is out he has a free pass, that's why many people carrying on secret affairs often ask for a separation, so they can pursue them. In your H's case though, he has already been acting like he has a free pass, especially since he is on the road all the time. The suggestion to "kick him out" is intended to be a permanent one, that he is already gone and that you need to let go... If you decide you want to fix the marriage you can't do it alone, so for your sake before just watching him leave make sure he understands that you don't want to end your marriage but that he leaves you no choice - a marriage is between two people there is no room for other partners. If he is remorseful and ends his affair and commits to to regaining your trust and busts his chops working at repairing the marriage there is always hope, but if he isn't into it you need to protect yourself because nobody else can. So sorry you are in this position, infidelity is not called the "ultimate betrayal" for no reason.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

How exactly would he do worse things if he had a free pass? He's already got two sleazy women on the side.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

questionswhy??? said:


> I know that I haven't responded to each post but I have been taking all the advice to heart.
> I'm in a awful place and it just seems that things are getting worse instead of better.
> Thank You A Bit Much for trying to give me a flashlight in this darkness.
> 
> ...


UGH. Well, now you know. Every ugly detail of it. 

My opinion? He's happy he told you and will freely continue to do what he's been doing. It's been going on for 18 months and I'm sure he has no intentions to stop now, he's just relieved to not be hiding it from you anymore.

Kick his ass to the curb. He has to go. Let him shack with one of his beotches or both of them for all you care. Work out a visitaiton schedule for the children and hand it to him, and get thee an attorney. At the very least, you can file for separation and get child support going... you're going to need something coming in to pay bills. Start looking for work. 

Yes, he's turned your life upside down, but don't be a prisoner of his selfishness. He has all the spoils and no responsibility....
SO HE THINKS. It's time to use that anger you have to propel you forward.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Oh and find the cheap skanks he idling this with and tell them about you and about each other. That should ruin his fun.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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