# Starting over...



## FML2011 (Sep 21, 2011)

I am starting my thread over because I changed my username...fear of discovery I guess. I deleted the old thread (How do I stop obsessing over a long term affair)

So last we left off, you guys were all railing me for being weak because he just lies, lies and more lies. And I deserve the all the scoldings. It's been just about 2 months from D-Day and I have been pretty weak. WH lied about the length of the affair when I first found out. Then I found out it had been longer, then I found secret phones in which he was keeping in contact with OW. Our finances were in dire straits when this all happened so either one of us moving out is not an option. If we decided to divorce at this point, it would take years and the financial devastation would be immense. We are currently being evicted from the house we are in but are signing a lease on a new house this week. We have 2 very young children. My initial intention was to work hard to save my marriage. I'm not so sure where I stand now. He has stated he is in love with the OW but he doesn't want to lose his family. He knows that if he leaves me, he will regret it. He promised NC with the OW but he has proven over and over again that he just can't hold up to it. She is currently 8000 miles away but keeps threatening to return saying that there 'love is real and no distance can keep them apart'. It's all so jr. high! 

So after catching him with secret throw away phone, secret texting apps, screen shots of their texts sent to me by the other woman, my own conversation with the OW and much more BS...another blow came on a couple of days ago. I rec'd an MMS from OW and it had a voice memo attached. It was a recording of him leaving her a message. It had music playing in the background and him saying all kinds of loving, sappy things to her. I almost threw up in my mouth and immediately deleted it. I confronted him immediately asking if he had been in contact with her that day and he denied it. I then told him I had proof and told him I heard it with my own ears, repeating what I could remember hearing on the message. He didn't understand how I would have known this so I told him that OW had sent it to me. He proceeded to flip out. Wow, finally realizing what an ugly person she really is?? He was mad at her for setting out to deliberately hurt me - even though he has been deliberately hurting me all along :scratchhead:

So he continues to claim how he is DONE with her and this was the trigger he needed to end it once and for all. He even said he is thinking about calling immigration. His 'trigger' should have been me - wanting to save our marriage, but that wasn't enough of a reason for him. Of course I don't believe him about him being 'done' with her. 

I am just feeling kind of numb at this point. Whereis before I was willing to work on our marriage, I can't even begin to think about it right now. I think for now I just need to resign myself to co-existing with him until we are both a little more clear headed. I need him to focus on being a better father as well and he is trying to work on that. We are doing MC together and he is also seeing a therapist separately. He has OCD and has been on Paxil for longer than I have known him (we've been together 12 yrs) and in the past 2 yrs he has added hydrocodone to his daily diet. He realizes it's a problem, he knows he is an addict. I see the OW as an addiction as well. It's something that makes him feel good obviously, like the pills.

So I guess I am in a holding pattern


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

As long as you allow others to fly the plane for you, you are going to wind up at places you dont like.

Your situation has its own unique problems and priority issues that need to be addressed before you can work out the details of what happens. But at least start making a plan for yourself and your kids, that regains that control. 
So far it seems like you gave him the benefit of the doubt, and more than the fair chance to act like a husband, and it doesnt appear that is happening anymore.

Dont let the fear of sadness freeze you in a state of this kind of extreme suffering. Start to make your plans. You cant expect to move into that new house with him are you? Has the MC opened any doors or made any headway?

If anything, continue to post here, to vent your frustrations, and sorrows. It is in itself theraputic to a lot of people here.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I still say to consult with an attorney, you keep giving excuses as to why you can't divorce yet never found out for sure from an attorney


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Have you exposed his affair to his parents and siblings?

You have a choice , stay and know as he is today he will continue the affair or move on with your life without him. The OW's message was to try drive a wedge between your husband and you . 

Sit with your husband and make the choice his , before you agree to move into a house with him . The choice is he in every way commits to you and goes NC on her or you divorce him . Do not let the impact of a financial issue stop you. Be firm and resolute . Don't let him say maybe , but , can we delay the decision , or give me time . It is a direct question to him , full commitment to you or divorce .

If in the remote chance he commits he hand writes a NC letter , he hand writes a letter of apology to his parents and yours confirming his affair , he commits to full transparency and makes every effort to rebuild your marriage.

You will fear the hardline approach , as it stands today you have no marriage and it is very likely your husband will leave to be with this OW or another.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Romance and More (Oct 4, 2011)

It sounds as if you will be in financial dire straits either together or apart. So don’t let that be a deciding factor. You are getting evicted and will have to move either way, so moving independently could be an option for you now too. I would suggest you put aside all of the financial and other things out of your decision process. You will have to face it sooner or later, it is probably best to bite the bullet now and begin the road of financial recovery now.
Now if you remove all the insignificant issues from your decision process. (yes finances are insignificant.) what would you choice be? Make an adult decision based on the facts. Don’t keep doing the same things over and over again. There is not much trust left, so you can only rely on your gut instinct. Trust yourself. 

Now for the children. What is this relationship teaching your children? The relationship of their mother and father will likely be echoed into their own future relationships. SO teach them right! Don’t use them as an excuse to stay in a toxic relationship. 

Personally, he sounds like a very weak man. Unable to forgo temptations, unable to come to grips with his own OCD and has to use meds as a crutch. OCD is something that must be treated with pure will power and determination. Meds can only help, not cure. You have to face what the brain is telling you and understand it is full of it. Then forcibly take action. Weakness is not an option to overcome this mental deficiency. 

You, need to come to grips with your own life and take responsibility for your own actions and future decisions. Whatever it is you decide to do, you need to decide to do it and take action. Somebody in your household needs to have the balls to carry through something. If you think that he will now cease all contact with this other person, then you are a fool. He has OCD, he can’t and won’t help himself with that, you think he will resist the temptation of this new love? Wake up, and make a rational decision for you and your children. The relationship will likely never heal itself to the romance that it should be… So all you have left is what is best for you and your children.


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## FML2011 (Sep 21, 2011)

> Your situation has its own unique problems and priority issues that need to be addressed before you can work out the details of what happens. But at least start making a plan for yourself and your kids, that regains that control.
> So far it seems like you gave him the benefit of the doubt, and more than the fair chance to act like a husband, and it doesn't appear that is happening anymore.


This is what I am doing right now. Things are starting to look better financially so I am starting to download bank statements so if we do separate/divorce, I have that info starting from April of this year. We did sign the lease for the new house today - together, but we both know that I will stay in the new house with the kids if he leaves. He has already stated he will always take care of me and the kids but I do want to make sure I am treated right financially if the eventual end comes. Next summer we will have been married 10 yrs and in our state, that makes a difference in a divorce. Can I hold out? I am pretty sure I can. If it works out in the meant time - great, but I am not going to hold my breath. I will however continue to collect information just in case I need it.

As for OW...she is a complete psycho! When we were in MC today, she called me 3 times in the span of 5 minutes! I finally took my phone out of my purse to check because I was worried it was the babysitter. As soon as I looked and saw it was her - I showed WH the screen and he flipped out. He was furious. When we left, he wanted me to call her back and I said _'hell no - she's not MY girlfriend and I'm not feeding into her/your drama'._ He took out his phone with shaking hands and I told him to text her and have her call him if he wanted to tell her off(our phones don't dial internationally but accept international calls). We stood outside for a minutes and talked, then I got in my car and left. He sat in his car and I guess had her call. I checked the phone bill and she did call him and they had a 7 minute conversation. So he called me a few minutes later and asked if he could take me and the kids to dinner. We went to dinner and he said that she denied making any of the calls from today, yesterday and sending the recorded message. I asked him if he expected her to tell the truth? Obviously she is trying to make me angry at him, push him away and let her know the door is open for her (as I did it in the past). Why the F would she be honest - she a man who carried on a long term relationship with a married man...she has no effing soul. So anyway, he said he told her to F off and never contact me or him again. Do I believe him? Not really...maybe for a minute, maybe not the next. I'll probably never know the truth. But for now - I need to get my ducks in a row and just put my emotions in check. Day by day.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Just wondering, is it feasible for you two to block her number, or change your own?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FML2011 (Sep 21, 2011)

WH mentioned yesterday that he might change his number but that doesn't mean anything-he can still contact her. I'm not going to change my number as I've had it for 10 yrs...I'm not going to let this psycho freak me out. She is trying to get a reaction and I refuse to give in. She called about am hour ago but I'm not going to tell WH because he'll react to her.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

He should call the phone company and block her # so she cannot contact him. 

Oh and I wouldn't be going to marriage counselling with him if he's still in touch with her. that is counter-productive. Not just that but--you're not "starting over" --you cant--if he's still having an affair.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Block her # from calling you. She sounds like an idiot. Can't believe she called you multiple times in marriage counselling and continues to do so. He sure knew how to pick her. UGh.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Call your phone company/carreir and block her # from calling you. He was talking to her for 7 minutes after that? Don't like it. He coulda just told her "It's over. I'm married. Don't call either of us anymore." That's it. Thirty seconds.


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## FML2011 (Sep 21, 2011)

Just got off the phone with AT&T and blocked all incoming and outgoing international calls. They sent WH a text confirmation so he knows.


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## Tap1214 (Aug 14, 2011)

Obviously when you tell your H that OW is sending you voicemessages he's leaving her, WHY did you delete it???? I understand it was hurting you, but you should have kept it so you could play it for him. 
Ugh! I don't understand why you continue to stay with him, when he's a liar, cheater and obviously don't care how you feel. Only time when he reacts to you is when he's caught! He's a loser, dump him and move on with your life!


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

Threaten OW with harrassment. Tell police that she is harming you and your family unit with unsolicited vexatious calls.

Get your number changed. That will upset her and your husband ought to be asked to sign a document saying that he will not give OW your number, that's if you decide to give the number to your husband! 

Taking copies of statement protects yourself. Don't ever delete her messages again. Save them to computer for evidence of harm and mental torture.

Husband brought this woman into your life. He betrayed you many times over, not just by dipping his member into OW which is hard enough to accept but, also no doubt by telling OW terrible things that she somehow seems justified in calling you to make your life miserable because she probably thinks you made "her" man's life miserable! She will be acting like a poison dwarf intent on protecting "her man" from his "awful" wife.

Rise above all this. Freeze them both out and protect yourself and your kids. As hard as it will be for you, make it clear that you and the kids can live a happy life without WS and OM.

Let him smell the tea and crumpets. Keep your head up high. Let him work it out while you work out a life for you and the kids. It has to be a new temporary life for the time being till everything settles down. 

He'll eventually waken up. But, by then you might have moved on and if not, you will be in a stronger position, mentally and emotionally (maybe financially too) to tackle this from a position of strength.


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## oceanch1d (Oct 5, 2011)

I feel like I am in such a similar situation! I had to reply becuase so much sounds the same! Except I found out a year ago. I DIDN'T find this forum--good for you! It took him 3 months and me LEAVING him and signing a lease on an apartment (and I seriously had zero money and was banking on finding another job) for him to cut contact with the OW and start begging for me back. We did reconcile but unfortunately after a few months it changed from real R to rug-sweeping--I didn't force counseling, and he, much like your guy, seems pretty addicted to the feeling he gets from other women. Now, its two DIFFERENT women I think!

My biggest suggestion is to NOT freak out in front of him--don't even let on you know! This is so counterintuitive to me. I suck at keeping silent, so it is dragging out longer than I want bc I keep feeling unsure and off balance, and he is able to lie so swiftly that I come away feeling like the bad guy for not trusting him yet. And I am just figuring out that I shouldn't be the one taking action and "fixing" the relationship--HE should be the one to do the things like call the phone company. Its the actions that count, not the words and promises. I have another post (new and need advice) if you want to read it. I also found the post about rugsweeping really helpful. The best thing you can do is gather evidence, figure out what you want, THEN confront him when you are ready to be firm and stick to your decisions. I don't want anyone else going through what I'm going through now. And if your decision is to live with him but not be together and see each other minimally (tough with kids I know), figure out a way that that will work before you suggest it. And kick him OUT for at least a week so that you can think clearly. You don't need money to be put in the doghouse. And I hope I can do the same! That is my plan too.


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## FML2011 (Sep 21, 2011)

Lazarus said:


> Threaten OW with harrassment. Tell police that she is harming you and your family unit with unsolicited vexatious calls.
> 
> Get your number changed. That will upset her and your husband ought to be asked to sign a document saying that he will not give OW your number, that's if you decide to give the number to your husband!
> 
> ...


She is in Thailand so telling the police here will not do any good. I really think she is harmless, I think she is just desperate right now. She is acting like a high schooler. I know I shouldn't have deleted the message but I am just so OVER it. Last night when I got home he wanted to look at my phone to see the number she called from. Like he is now doubting she even called?? I had a missed call from her in the a.m. but I didn't tell him and he got mad that I didn't tell him. WTF? Tell him so it just insights more drama - I don't think so. Interestingly enough, I checked the online phone log this a.m. and I see that last night he was CHECKING UP ON ME! I had a hair appt yesterday and I called them to let them know I was running late - he saw that number and called it last night...lol. He must think I am up to something?

I called his mother yesterday (I am sure he saw that on the phone log too)and filled her in on all the recent stuff that has happened. For now, I need to get through this move and focus on my kids. I am seeing the MC by myself next week and he sees his therapist today. 



> My biggest suggestion is to NOT freak out in front of him--don't even let on you know! This is so counterintuitive to me. I suck at keeping silent, so it is dragging out longer than I want bc I keep feeling unsure and off balance, and he is able to lie so swiftly that I come away feeling like the bad guy for not trusting him yet.


This is the point I am at...trying not to freak out. It's just pointless. If I find out he is contact with her, I am pretty much at the 'shrug my shoulders' point. It's not that I don't care, but I just don't want to put my energy into the anger anymore or give 'them' any of my emotion. When/if I do ask him to leave, I want to be calm about it.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Your husband lacks loyalty to you. Just thought I point out the obvious...


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## FML2011 (Sep 21, 2011)

aug said:


> Your husband lacks loyalty to you. Just thought I point out the obvious...


Don't all WS lack loyalty? If they were loyal, they wouldn't cheat.


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## FML2011 (Sep 21, 2011)

Update...he's gone. I asked him to leave today. That's all I can say right now. I'll try to come back later and write some more.


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## FML2011 (Sep 21, 2011)

So yesterday morning I caught him coming out of his girlfriends apartment. I guess she flew back from Thailand on Monday. He told me he had to go out of town Monday night for a meeting early Tuesday. Before he left Monday night, I started to broach the subject of him leaving the house for awhile to gain some perspective. We never got to that point in the conversation (going in circles as always) before he had to leave so I just said we'd talk when he got back. Tuesday morning, I just had a feeling in my gut - we all know that feeling. I drove by her apartment and sure enough, his car was parked around the corner. I called him and told him I knew where he was. He came out about a half hour later and we had it out. He said he loved her, she made him happy, what's wrong with him wanting a little happiness? I told him he was right, he wasn't in love with me so he needed to leave and go be happy. Then he starts in about how he doesn't really know what he wants, just needs some time away to see if he feels the pain. Blech. He said he would come home that night and then figure out where to stay. I told him no - you need to leave now. I can't have you around me at all. He asked if he could sleep in the spare room and I said no - go home right now and pack some stuff and leave. So I followed him back to our house, watched as he packed some stuff and left. Had a brief goodbye in the driveway, then I drove to my friends house, There I had a good cry and called a lawyer.

Some friends came over last night for support and WH texted me saying he was so confused, didn't know what he wanted, loves me, misses me and the kids - blah, blah. I didn't text him back. Today is usually when we go to MC together but the therapist had already asked me last week if she could see me individually, so that was the plan. He texted me a couple of hours ago saying that he needed to go with me. I told him no, MC is for people that want to work on their marriage and he clearly does not. I need to learn to live without him and I can't do that with him around me. He told me that OW is going back to Thailand again and he can't live with what he's done. I can't believe a word he says. I don't know if he is going to show up at my therapy appt today - I did my best to tell him to stay away - I can't keep having the same conversations with him every day. He just tried to call me while I was typing this out! I'm not calling him back. I know he wants to see the kids but I just can't see him right now. I told him I have things to do on Sunday and he can come stay at the house all day with them if he likes.


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## FML2011 (Sep 21, 2011)

Just writing to get things off my chest at this point. I had therapy appt yesterday - alone. It was really good. I was feeling better but kind of anxious because I agreed to let him come over to see the kids that night and pick up some more stuff. My therapist helped me prepare for that as I was pretty sure we would somehow get into a discussion about us. I invited a friend over to be with me while he was there, but she was running late. So he got there just as I was getting home from therapy. I made the kids some dinner and told him he should sit and visit with the kids, put them to bed and then pack his stuff. So he was sitting at the kitchen table with the kids and I was putting stuff away in the kitchen and I just lost it. Started crying and excused myself right away. I went into the front yard where he couldn't see me and just sobbed my eyes out. My friend pulled up a short while later and we sat out in the front yard drinking wine til he left. I knew it wasn't a good idea to let him come over but I can't keep him from his kids - they have been asking 'where's Daddy?'.

So where I was feeling really strong yesterday, I am feeling really weak & crappy today. Day by day I guess. We only communicated via text once today and that was me asking him to babysit tomorrow night so I could go out. I am just trying to keep myself busy but it's still so effing hard. I was grocery shopping today and even that was hard - thinking about how I have to shop differently now because it's just me & the kids.

We will be moving out of this house at the end of the month and it can't come soon enough. I have no motivation to pack right now, but I did pack all the pictures on the bookshelves and walls. All the pictures with him in it, any family pictures with both of us, all of our wedding pictures - I put in a separate box labeled for him. I don't want to look at that stuff. A couple of years ago he gave me a beautiful, large leather bound notebook and said he wanted me to put all of our cards to each other in there. We always gave each other a lot of cards and he would write the sweetest, most endearing things to me in his cards. All my friends would see the cards and be so envious. So I put that book in his box too. He'll probably never even open the box, it'll end up in storage somewhere, but whatever. Better then me opening up the box someday and having to relive all that.


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