# Not attracted to husband



## Lilipad (Dec 9, 2014)

Thank you all in advance for listening to me. I'm so happy I found this forum, since I have felt so alone for years.
My husband and I have been married for 10 years and have 2 boys. We met mountain biking, and at that time DH was a workout fiend and loved(or so I thought) being active. Since that time, he has gained 150 lbs and has admitted to me he never really liked being active. One of the main reasons I fell in love was I thought I would be spending my life with someone who loves the outdoors, exercising, biking, and other activities. 

My husband is my best friend. I can't imagine my life without him. He makes me laugh and he's a good man and father. But I feel absolutely no attraction toward him, and that has been going on since before our kids. I know part of it his weight. We talk about it all of the time. He goes on and off diets, but never really loses much. It's like he let himself go after we married. And the fact that he's not active also contributes to the way I feel. I've mentioned to him exercising together, but he doesn't want to. Even if he managed to lose weight I don't know if I would be attracted to him. I think about this constantly and I'm so mad at myself. I don't want to hurt him, so instead I stick my head in the sand and ignore the problem. We rarely have sex. If he does initiate it, I'll go along with it but I just pretend like I'm enjoying myself. It feels so uncomfortable trying to pretend; it's like I'm being intimate with a friend that I have no interest in.
I just don't know what to do. Because we have kids, I'm afraid of what will happen if we divorced. I also know our relationship will change, and I care for him so much. Sometimes I'm worried that I just stay because I'm afraid I'll be old and alone. At the same time, the thought of never having passion again depresses me. And my husband deserves someone who thinks he's attractive.

Anyway, thanks for listening.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Tell him you're leaving if he doesn't do something about the weight.

Maybe that will be enough to shock him into action.

But be prepared to follow through if he falters. 

You'll be doing both of you a favor.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

This sounds like what I call "marriage fraud" ie I pretended to be one thing to get you interested but now that I have you I've dropped the act and I'm actually something quite different and not at all what you thought you were getting. Lili, some might say you took an oath and you stick to it "for better or for worse". I tend to feel like you were decieved and that voids the oath. You live one time. No one else is going to look after your happieness but you. So you'd better do or live wondering what could have been.
First stop marriage counseling. He probably needs to hear from an outside party that what he's done isn't fair to you, not to mention being a poor example for the kids. If that yields no improvement then start thinking seperation etc.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Get the book Divorce Busting. Pay special attention to the section that talks about the 180. 

You need to shake things up and get his attention.

What about his overall health? Does he have any health issues? Is he on any medication? 

Does he have much interest or energy for things that he used to enjoy?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Put on a sumo suit everytime you are about to get intimate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lilipad (Dec 9, 2014)

Thank you all. I'll go out today and get that book. I do feel almost like I was duped into marriage. Not long after we started dating, he stopped working out. It was like he was just doing those things so he could find a girl and then get comfortable. 

We've had multiple talks about his weight and health. Right now he's healthy. But I'm a nurse, and have no interest in caring for someone who brought about their own health issues. His parents are morbidly obese with diabetes, hypertension, multiple strokes. I've been telling him for years that I do not want to be married to his dad. He is on antidepressants. Years ago, I told him he needed to see a therapist. But honestly, there's little change. He'll put extra effort into playing with the kids or helping around the house for a week, then he's back to his old self. I think seeing how little he interacts with the boys makes me extra sad.

I think what prompted me to write this is what happened yesterday. I went away for a long weekend with a good friend of mine. It was so fun and relaxing, much needed. I was thinking that when I got back I'd make an extra effort to be intimate, and that maybe things weren't as bad as I thought. But when I came home from the airport last night I walked into chaos. The house was a pigsty. He was on the couch (as usual) on his iPhone while the boys were upstairs destroying their bedroom instead of in bed. I was thinking, what? I've only been gone for 3 days and you couldn't put any extra effort in? And his mom came to visit for one of those days. That alone is such a turnoff.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Definitely unacceptable Lil. You do not deserve to be disrespected like this and it is detrimental to your children as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

It's possible he was all active and trim back in his dating period because he was trying to appear attractive to the opposite sex, but the man is on anti-depressants and his behavior does sound like someone who is suffering from depression. My wife has it pretty bad to the extent that she spends about 20 hours a day in bed on average. 
Mine likes going for walks with me and the dogs or riding on my motorcycle, so I try to use those activities to get her out more. Point is, her depression isn't her fault any more than cancer or crohn's would be if she had those conditions. 
The outdoors is still out there and at some level he probably would like to be out in it again. He may hate his condition even more than you do. I doubt talking to him is going to do anything but dump more guilt and self-loathing on him, probably making his problem worse. You might try taking him out for walks, gradually getting a little longer or finding other ways to get him moving. If you go shopping with him, park at the far end of the parking lot. 
He's a guy so he probably likes sex and having his ego stroked. When he makes a decent effort, act like it turns you on. 
10 years is a rather long time and y'all do have two kids. It would bother me to dump a spouse because they were ill (if that's the real problem). If his anti-depressants aren't doing the trick, he might need his dose tweaked or to try something else. 
Have things on his job changed since you met him? 
I'm guessing he was at least 20 when you met him, so if being active was really who he was, there should be quite a bit of evidence of that. If he's got more evidence of being lazy before you met him, then his being active when you were dating sounds like forced behavior. If that's the case it could be he was putting on an act to catch you or it could be he was seriously trying to make a lifestyle change and that change just didn't take root.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I'd start by not faking your enthusiasm for him in the bedroom. You're currently sending the signals to him that he isn't unattractive to you.

It's a tough balance between sugar-coating things and being blunt about others. When it comes to sex and intimacy, my opinion is that blunt is better. When one partner is faking it, it harms both partners, and ultimately the relationship.

The other option is to, how do I say this nicely? Not be so shallow when it comes to your sexual attraction to him. Easier said than done, I know, but the bottom line is that you do seem to love him (though HOW you love him seems to be debatable. Love him, but not IN love with him?) Regardless, he has a working penis, so use it to your advantage. If you aren't turned on by his big sweaty body on top of you, then get on top of him and do the work, or turn around. Remember that this is the man you love(d) and married, and never mind about his physical attributes when you're being intimate with him.

It's a difficult situation to be sure, but it can be overcome, and you can get him to make changes without totally hurting his feelings.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

unbelievable said:


> He's a guy so he probably likes sex and having his ego stroked. When he makes a decent effort, act like it turns you on.


But what good is that going to do? It only reinforces to him that she's attracted to him no matter what, which is not true.

There's no easy answer here, and his feelings will likely get hurt, but at the same time, he can't be led to believe everything is hunky dory when it's not. That's not fair to him, never mind her - the one who has to fake her way through it.

If she does what you're suggesting she does for long enough, eventually she's going to break and let him know. She can't keep this up for 20, 30, 40 years. And when she breaks and blurts out that she can't do this any more, what is that going to do to his self esteem and ego? Never mind the fact that she will be wholly unfulfilled all that time simply so his feelings don't get hurt.

Gotta rip off the band-aid eventually, not leave it on.

*edited to add - my wife and recently dealt with something similar. 5+ years of oral sex from her, every time we were intimate, and one day she apparently had enough and told me she HATES giving oral sex, and always has. Like despises it. My reaction was WTF? Why didn't you just tell me this 5 years ago? Why fake it all these years (and fake it well...) THAT'S what pissed me off more than anything - that I thought she enjoyed it, not just "didn't mind", but actually enjoyed it. Not cool.


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## changedbeliefs (Jun 13, 2014)

Lilipad said:


> My husband is my best friend. I can't imagine my life without him.


I apologize if this isn't helpful, or is maybe somewhat off-topic...but obviously, my opinion is, it IS on topic, just maybe not so apparently.

I'd seriously evaluate this part of your OP. Is he really your "best friend"? Yes, our spouses de facto become very integral to our lives, especially when we share the experience of having children. But....if being active is so vital to you, and he's so apathetic to it now, are you really that close (just one example)? Are you sure you're not confusing "we've shared some significant moments in life together as a result of being married" with "we share similar passions and are otherwise very compatible and THAT'S WHY we're married"?

Trust me, I am not suggesting this is an easy evaluation, but one of the major questions I think many people face is: forget the "sunk costs," the time invested, the simple sharing of life experiences... On its own merit, on your own assessment of the kind of person your spouse is, the passions you share (or complement each other with), basically if you met them today, as a single person, would they still be "the one" for you? It sounds like you have at least one major obstacle to saying "yes" to that, as of now.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Lilipad
I don't think you are doing him a favor by staying with him if you are not attracted to him. You may mostly fool him, but he probably can tell something is wrong. 

If he doesn't want to get fit again, I think you BOTH would be happier finding someone else.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Sounds like you care about him in a more platonic kind of way. At this time in your life, I am sure it is not the relationship you want. Sure commitment love has its ebbs and flows for most, but it needs injection of passion and desire too. He has the choice to change his lifestyle, but he is not doing it. You can't make him and you can only decide with what you can live with.

Is he really the mate you want? Because that is different from a best friend. Sure a best friend should be included in a mate, but I am sure you want to be attracted to your mate as well. You want your mate to have a deep understanding for you, but he really does not. he really does not know you as well as he thinks he does, and your putting on a facade for him.


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## WayUpNorth (Dec 14, 2013)

Join some Meetup groups, and get out there and do the things you like to do. Leave him home with the kids while you are out hiking or Mt. biking. It's part of the 180. After all, he could arrange for a sitter and come along.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Shoto1984 said:


> This sounds like what I call "marriage fraud" ie I pretended to be one thing to get you interested but now that I have you I've dropped the act and I'm actually something quite different and not at all what you thought you were getting. Lili, some might say you took an oath and you stick to it "for better or for worse". I tend to feel like you were decieved and that voids the oath.


THAT leads to THIS,,



alexm said:


> I'd start by not faking your enthusiasm for him in the bedroom. You're currently sending the signals to him that he isn't unattractive to you.


There needn't be intent or a will to deceive on either side. It's an easy trap to fall into when you love/like one another. Of course, the longer the deceit goes on the deeper the hole you dig for yourself cuz you have more to fess up to when you need to make the break or effect change.

You've tried. His efforts have been half-hearted at best and he's 'lost' you as a romantic partner.

If you think he can win you back by losing weight, you have to make that VERY clear to him. But, it's hardly worth the hassle if you think the spark is gone for good.

If your friendship is indeed solid,, it can remain so after you've split up.

Avoid the blame game,, he changed and you mistakenly tolerated it in the hope that things would get better. They haven't and now you've reached a breaking point.

If you think you can get 'it' back, talk to him about what needs to be done. Otherwise, split up and do both of you a favour.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Lilipad,
This is a great first post. Welcome. 

We use a phrase here called: bait and switch

That phrase refers to situations where a partner behaves in a positive manner during courtship and then completely reverses course as soon as the commitment level was strong enough for them to feel 'safe'. 

Whether or not it is intentional, bait and switch is deceptive and selfish. 


QUOTE=Lilipad;11169578]Thank you all in advance for listening to me. I'm so happy I found this forum, since I have felt so alone for years.
My husband and I have been married for 10 years and have 2 boys. We met mountain biking, and at that time DH was a workout fiend and loved(or so I thought) being active. Since that time, he has gained 150 lbs and has admitted to me he never really liked being active. One of the main reasons I fell in love was I thought I would be spending my life with someone who loves the outdoors, exercising, biking, and other activities. 

My husband is my best friend. I can't imagine my life without him. He makes me laugh and he's a good man and father. But I feel absolutely no attraction toward him, and that has been going on since before our kids. I know part of it his weight. We talk about it all of the time. He goes on and off diets, but never really loses much. It's like he let himself go after we married. And the fact that he's not active also contributes to the way I feel. I've mentioned to him exercising together, but he doesn't want to. Even if he managed to lose weight I don't know if I would be attracted to him. I think about this constantly and I'm so mad at myself. I don't want to hurt him, so instead I stick my head in the sand and ignore the problem. We rarely have sex. If he does initiate it, I'll go along with it but I just pretend like I'm enjoying myself. It feels so uncomfortable trying to pretend; it's like I'm being intimate with a friend that I have no interest in.
I just don't know what to do. Because we have kids, I'm afraid of what will happen if we divorced. I also know our relationship will change, and I care for him so much. Sometimes I'm worried that I just stay because I'm afraid I'll be old and alone. At the same time, the thought of never having passion again depresses me. And my husband deserves someone who thinks he's attractive.

Anyway, thanks for listening.[/QUOTE]


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Don't pretend you're having fun in the bedroom if you're not. That's just got so many issues attached to it, it's not funny. He thinks he is pleasing you. He isn't. Therefore, he won't change what he's doing. 

I think bluntness would be best if you've talk to him before about his weight and he's ignored it. Tell him flat out, that you care about him, but you are NOT sexually attracted to him and are considering where the marriage is going to end up should he continue this way. Let him know this is very important to you. If he tries to call you shallow, just shrug and say, "maybe you're right". 

I think, when in a marriage, both partners need to try to stay attractive for the other. You didn't meet him at his weight PLUS 150lbs....No way! If you gained 150lbs, I wonder how he would feel about you? 

All you really can do is be blunt with him. If he chooses to ignore it, you have a choice to make. Do you stay and deal with it or do you leave him and go find someone you are attracted to?


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I'd try the opposite approach. First change the gender. Imagine a wife who gained 70 pounds after a baby, and her husband tells her every day she is fat and unattractive, and he has no interest in her sexually. We'd quickly get a 100 women condemning his shallowness and cruelty. Why is it so different with the roles reversed. I assume he might be depressed and has self-image problems. Since understanding, love, and mutual respect helps solve many problems, consider the following, 

1. Be positive. Tell him the good things he does. Go beyond his body and value him as a person. 

2. I get it you like mountain biking, etc, and he doesn't. Even if loses 100 pounds, he still won't like it. Talk to him about things he likes. 

3. You took vows so I would work on your marriage.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

He sounds deeply depressed. The meds he is taking may not be working anymore if he has been on the same one for years. They probably need to be changed. The good thing is that there are many meds available and he is likely to find one that works. He needs to see a competent psychiatrist who knows drugs. You can't make him do that of course. He might be motivated if you are honest with him about not seeing the marriage as a given in the future. Talk to him when you calm down and plan what to say. Resolve your anger before you say anything. 

Your real concern is what he is doing to himself and to the family, right. He could put effort into getting help and changing if he cared enough about his family. The illness is hampering his resolve but help is available to get him motivated. After all, he has a family to take care of. Plan what you want to say and do and be prepared to follow through. You have to do it in a loving way. He will probably not change until he realizes that he may lose his family if he does not get going. 

Tell him exactly what you expressed here but in a loving way. Perhaps thinking this way will help - he has a right to know that he may be close to losing you and he should have a chance to get help to transform himself before that happens. 

It's unfortunate that he did not let you see who he was from the beginning. But you married him with some knowledge of his real feeling and you had two children with him. You made choices and you need to look at that factor and not put all of the blame on him. He did eventually show you who he was and you fell in love with him anyway and made a family, right. In all fairness to him, it is not surprising that he is under the impression that you love him for himself. 

Please think of your role honestly and take your part of the responsibility. This may temper your approach and your feelings towards your husband. Maybe some empathy and compassion would help both you and him.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Shoto1984 said:


> This sounds like what I call "marriage fraud" ie I pretended to be one thing to get you interested but now that I have you I've dropped the act and I'm actually something quite different and not at all what you thought you were getting. Lili, some might say you took an oath and you stick to it "for better or for worse". I tend to feel like you were decieved and that voids the oath. You live one time. No one else is going to look after your happieness but you. So you'd better do or live wondering what could have been.
> First stop marriage counseling. He probably needs to hear from an outside party that what he's done isn't fair to you, not to mention being a poor example for the kids. If that yields no improvement then start thinking seperation etc.


Reminds me of a joke......how do you get your GF to stop giving you BJ's?........Marry her!

This is a common thing....women do it too....fantastic sex during courtship etc but as soon as the ring is on the finger it goes downhill from there on in!


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Bobby5000 said:


> I'd try the opposite approach. First change the gender. Imagine a wife who gained 70 pounds after a baby, and her husband tells her every day she is fat and unattractive, and he has no interest in her sexually. We'd quickly get a 100 women condemning his shallowness and cruelty. Why is it so different with the roles reversed. I assume he might be depressed and has self-image problems. Since understanding, love, and mutual respect helps solve many problems, consider the following,
> 
> 1. Be positive. Tell him the good things he does. Go beyond his body and value him as a person.
> 
> ...


I'm a woman. I hear what you're saying. However, he's gained far more than 70 pounds. He's at double 70 pounds. He's gained a whole adult man. It's not normal. It's not shallow at all to want a healthy spouse at a normal weight. In America it's become perfectly acceptable now to think middle age spread is normal. 

She can be positive until the cows come home. She can do all the healthy eating, exercising and encouraging, but ultimately if the motivation doesn't come from within the husband, it won't work and the efforts won't last. Since he has so much to lose (150 pounds), he'll have to be motivated because he has to go the long haul. 

My husband and I treat each other like the grown adults we are. He and I can both handle a frank talk. If I gained an enormous amount of weight and I needed to workout, I would appreciate it if my husband (or significant other) told me I needed to exercise more and watch what I ate. Or even if he pointed out that a big weight gain was affecting his sexual attraction. I honestly wouldn't feel outraged.

If my spouse gained more than 50 pounds, I would still love him. My love for him will not be affected. However, my attraction to him will most definitely be affected. Sexual attraction isn't unconditional. 

Some people may remain sexually attracted to their spouse regardless of how much weight he/she gains. I just know I'm not one of those people. Does that make me shallow? No, not in my opinion. I'm attracted to what I'm attracted to. I'm also not going to leave my spouse or start an affair if he gained a lot of weight, but I will be honest with him. There's no nice way to tell someone they've gained a lot of weight. But I'm sure my spouse would already know by that point, he's very overweight. That can't escape his attention if he gained 50 pounds. What he will need to know is how it affects our marriage. If people got into drugs or alcohol with the same abandon they show to food, we would want someone who loved them to say something.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

I don't think its a gender issue. You don't marry someone you're not attracted to. If you do marry someone and they become drastically less attractive afterwards, you have every right to be disappointed.

Everyone gets older, looks fade, etc. This is understandble and beyond your control on some level. But you should control what you can. When you don't and your spouse does, they will rightly feel that they are bringing more to the relationship than you.

OP-- if I were you I would stop pretending and be clear you find your spouse unattractive. Right now he probably doesn't see much incentive to stop being a slob.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I seriously doubt the man decided to stop working out and get fat.

I think you are skipping through a decade of attitude change to what has him discouraged NOW.

It's more of a defeated attitude than he's attained what he wanted.

That you find him unattractive only compounds that for him.

Not trying to lay on guilt for you wanting the situation to be different.

I am positive he would like to have the situation to be different too.

That he doesn't appear to want to or to make it different is more a sign of discouragement than anything else.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Bobby5000 said:


> I'd try the opposite approach. First change the gender. Imagine a wife who gained 70 pounds after a baby, and her husband tells her every day she is fat and unattractive, and he has no interest in her sexually. We'd quickly get a 100 women condemning his shallowness and cruelty. Why is it so different with the roles reversed. I assume he might be depressed and has self-image problems. Since understanding, love, and mutual respect helps solve many problems, consider the following,
> 
> 1. Be positive. Tell him the good things he does. Go beyond his body and value him as a person.
> 
> ...


In my mind the fact she had a baby in your example makes a world of difference. I would be far more willing to cut a person a little slack after carrying a child inside their body for nine months. 

I see the change in behaviour as a huge issue. To act one way as a pretense to attract a mate then drop that behaviour the moment your married is fraudulent. I would advise anyone, male or female, to seriously consider their options at that point. If the new them is not what you signed up for I don't see that you're obligated to stay.


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## Lilipad (Dec 9, 2014)

Thank you all for your responses. I just got home from work, so I don't have time to respond appropriately yet. As soon as I get a chance, I will.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Um, if my gf ever gained over 100lbs., I don't think I would be attracted to her either. I love basketball, and if she said she loved basketball, and would play with me, and after we got married, and she told me she hated it, I would feel decieved. The illusion of her was what I fell in love with. In either cases for each gender, the fit person will lose attraction to the other who becomes obese, unless you are attracted to obesity. Love still requires a certain level of attraction, and desire.


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## Lilipad (Dec 9, 2014)

Regarding the question of his depression - I have asked him point blank how he's doing. He says he doesn't feel depressed (in the past, he readily admitted when he had periods of depression). He's stressed at work - however, he loves his job, and it always has a level of stress to it. While I believe his depression in the past was situational (he hated his old job), I have struggled with major depression since I was a young child. I take my meds because I know I'm a better mom when I do. So I do know what it's like.
I don't think his weight is simply because of depression. It has everything to do with his family. They're all morbidly obese. He was raised to eat appetizers, have seconds of entrees, and dessert. Meals were celebrated. He was heavy before I met him, and while I expected some weight gain after marriage, I did not expect almost 150lbs.
I have been making excuses for the way I feel for years - at first, it was because I was pregnant. Then it was learning to be a mom. Then pregnancy again, then having 2 young kids. I was thinking my hormones were all screwing me up (though if I truly admit it to myself, I felt this way before kids). I thought that maybe this was normal; feeling love but no attraction. It would be easier if we fought all the time, or if he was a horrible person. But he's not, and I feel guilty for the way I feel. I'm not sure if it would even make a difference if he managed to lose the weight. I think at his core he is lazy (for lack of a better word). He would prefer to just sit on the couch and watch tv. He gained the weight in the first place because he doesn't like to be active. Heck, I'm the one that mows our lawn and does the yard work and I am a tiny woman. I don't find inactivity attractive. 
I'm hoping to find a therapist I can talk to before I say anything to him. While I know I have to tell him the truth, I need to really think about how to approach it. Just being able to type out my feelings has helped. And knowing I'm not alone. Thank you all.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I agree you should get a counselor, but not before you say something to him.

If you don't say something to him, like NOW, you two will surely be headed toward a divorce. However, it sounds like that might be a possibility anyway, because as you said, it isn't just his weight. You see him as lazy, and you know this is his core self. People don't really change their core selves, or if they do, it takes usually a decade or so.

What you are really saying is that you love him but are not into him. (Which is not the same as ILYBNILWY). Not being into him is eventually going to be the death of your marriage.

Can it be fixed?

Yes it can. But you will have to ask him to make a change to his core self.

Anon Pink is in a similar position. Her marriage is going to make it, I believe. But the things she needs from her husband (including weight loss, but much more than that), are things he will have to change his core self in order to accomplish. It has taken her a number of years and literally having one foot out the door to get him to a point of being wiling to try to make those core changes. But he does seem to be doing it. (It is quite romantic).

You should stop lying to yourself and admit all the ways in which you aren't into him, to yourself. And to a counselor. But to him...

Tell him immediately the most basic truth: You are not sexually or physically or emotionally attracted to him, and since you do still love him, this is alarming to you. You want this to change. You want to feel your attraction to him. But you don't and you can't unless he makes major changes. Tell him if he ends up "like his father" you will have divorced him long before he gets that bad (in as nice a way as possible, if you feel this would be true). Be radically honest. This does not mean brutally honest. Radically honest means the no bulls*t version of the truth.

Radical honesty: I don't enjoy our sex life anymore.

Brutally honest: Your gross huge body turns me off so much that I have to have an out of body experience to get through the act.

Radical honesty: I want to feel respect for you, but when I came home and found you on the couch and the kids tearing up their rooms, I realized I have very little respect for you sometimes, and that makes me sad. 

Brutally honest: How am I supposed to respect a man who gets too caught up watching Punkin' Chunkin' to notice that his children need his care and assistance to get themselves settled?


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## OnAnIsland (Oct 3, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> Tell him immediately the most basic truth: You are not sexually or physically or emotionally attracted to him, and since you do still love him, this is alarming to you. You want this to change. You want to feel your attraction to him. But you don't and you can't unless he makes major changes. Tell him if he ends up "like his father" you will have divorced him long before he gets that bad (in as nice a way as possible, if you feel this would be true). Be radically honest. This does not mean brutally honest. Radically honest means the no bulls*t version of the truth.


Wow. That is perfect and perfectly put. Thank you.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

This was not bait and switch. This was a bad choice by OP.

She saw his parents. She saw him stop working out after they met and prior to marriage. She lost her attraction to him before kids. 

Personally I think when one makes these choices sometimes they have to live with them, especially when children are involved. Expecting him to change is not going to be successful.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Well, it will be her decision, and things can turn out fine. Kids only need stability and role models to learn from. They can learn that when certain boundaries are crossed, there are consequences. They can be easily be affected from a mother detached from a lethargic husband. They can learn that this is normal and become unhealthy adults. Kids can suffer from a loveless home too. Kids are just an excuse.

She can admit her mistakes by marrying him. People do change and gain wisdom and hindsight. Sure she loves him, but it has become platonic, and not the type of marriage she wants. Just because he crossed her boundaries before, she has now found the strength to re-enforce them. 

I don't see a lot of people advicing people to stay together for the children, or to stay in a marriage that they find unsatisfactory. He would not be in the mess if he work on the relationship on his end. He knew what his wife expected from him, just like he has what he expects from her. If she cross his boundaries, I would advise for him to leave her if he must, and that a single healthy parent is better than none. Because that is what you are advocating. Not a single healthy parent to learn from. She is seeking help, and she is doing this cautiously. At least they will have a healthy mother, which is better than nothing. he is not the role model she wants her kids to have, and for her to counter that she needs to be as healthy as possible, mentally and physically. She wants her kids to have a rich fulfilling life, and to learn from her mistakes and gain wisdom.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Morbid obesity is not only due to diet and activity, although they are contributors. There are hereditary factors as well. His parents obesity gives him a double dose of any genetic factors. 

Would he be willing to see a physician who specializes in treatment of obesity? I believe there are meds that may help him. Some antidepressents decrease appetite and some insulin's result in weight loss. There is a lot that he has not tried. There are many centers of excellence that specialize in treating obesity. 

I did not mean that you should be attracted to him or even sacrifice your future for him. He needs to act, inaction means he cares more about himself than his family and he must accept the consequences. 

You made some unwise choices and you remained in a situation that was bad for a long time. It would help your future relationships to explore why.


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## Vanille (Dec 13, 2014)

Aww I'm sorry you've been dealing with these feeling alone and not having someone to talk to. I don't have any advice but I just want you to know that there are people who know how you feel - I'm one of them. When I met my husband he was skinny, attractive and active. After we married he became a couch potato and gained 60 lbs. He doesn't have any hobbies but seems perfectly content doing nothing. I felt really bad for being turned off by his weight. Weirdly I felt almost betrayed that he wasn't "as advertised", you know? This was something I dealt with a lot during our first two years of marriage and I never did find a way of solving it. Much worse things came along to distract me from that problem so I guess that's why I never found a way to fix it.


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## Lilipad (Dec 9, 2014)

So I have an update. Thanks to all the encouragement on the board, I finally had the nerve to tell my husband how I felt. As you can imagine it was an awful conversation. I told him I no longer felt attracted to him and that I feel like a single parent most of the time. I'm tired of having discussions every year where I tell him I need help around the house, he's good for a few weeks, and then he's back to his old self. He doesn't take care of himself and he's turning into his father. I told him that I thought maybe I should move out for a little while. He agreed with all of what I said, but that he didn't want to lose me. He wants to do marriage counseling. I have an appointment with my therapist next week and I'll ask her if she can recommend anyone. I've agreed to try counseling but I honestly don't know if it will help. It may help his actions around the house, but I'm not sure how it will increase my attraction to him. I just feel like we're in a completely platonic relationship. But I'm willing to give it a try. Thank you all again for your help.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Lilipad said:


> So I have an update. Thanks to all the encouragement on the board, I finally had the nerve to tell my husband how I felt. As you can imagine it was an awful conversation. I told him I no longer felt attracted to him and that I feel like a single parent most of the time. I'm tired of having discussions every year where I tell him I need help around the house, he's good for a few weeks, and then he's back to his old self. He doesn't take care of himself and he's turning into his father. I told him that I thought maybe I should move out for a little while. He agreed with all of what I said, but that he didn't want to lose me. He wants to do marriage counseling. I have an appointment with my therapist next week and I'll ask her if she can recommend anyone. I've agreed to try counseling but I honestly don't know if it will help. It may help his actions around the house, but I'm not sure how it will increase my attraction to him. I just feel like we're in a completely platonic relationship. But I'm willing to give it a try. Thank you all again for your help.


It's a good first step, but I wouldn't necessarily "ease up" on him too much unless he follows through with the counseling, and things he needs to do to become more attractive to you. Tell him you're a little jaded and skeptical given the history, but you will recognize his efforts if he makes them. 

Don't be quick to let him off the hook, but do show you recognize the efforts when made. It will take some time, and he needs to understand that up front so he doesn't become discouraged. 

You may have to "give in" a little to (dare I say) "reward" his efforts. Hopefully he then keeps it up, and your attraction for him will begin to return with his continued efforts!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I'm glad you found the courage to have the conversation with him. Don't lose faith in yourself now, stay to the course. If he and you can work it out, great...but don't act like anything is all better until it really is. No settling for less than what you want, or you will resent him for it.


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

Lilipad said:


> So I have an update. Thanks to all the encouragement on the board, I finally had the nerve to tell my husband how I felt. As you can imagine it was an awful conversation. I told him I no longer felt attracted to him and that I feel like a single parent most of the time. I'm tired of having discussions every year where I tell him I need help around the house, he's good for a few weeks, and then he's back to his old self. He doesn't take care of himself and he's turning into his father. I told him that I thought maybe I should move out for a little while. He agreed with all of what I said, but that he didn't want to lose me. He wants to do marriage counseling. I have an appointment with my therapist next week and I'll ask her if she can recommend anyone. I've agreed to try counseling but I honestly don't know if it will help. It may help his actions around the house, but I'm not sure how it will increase my attraction to him. I just feel like we're in a completely platonic relationship. But I'm willing to give it a try. Thank you all again for your help.


Kudos to you for broaching the subject with him. I'm sorry you felt it was an awful conversation, but it sounds to me as if it rendered some positive results, yes? May I ask if he has made a commitment to losing weight and getting healthy? Hell, if not to improve the intimacy between the two of you, for his own longevity perhaps?


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Statistics show, time and again, that long term weight loss maintenance fails around 90% (or more) of the time. And most studies consider a "success" somebody who keeps off just 10% of their weight over the course of a few years.

It is comparatively rare for someone to lose over 100 pounds, and not just lose it, but keep the majority of it off permanently.

I'm not saying your husband can't change. The question is, will he? Is he motivated, strong and determined enough to not only get healthier, but to stay the course for the remainder of his life? Most people don't. 

I really think anybody in this situation has to deal with reality; what will I do if my partner is unwilling to exact long term, substantial change? Can I find a way to be happy with them as a morbidly obese person?

If not, you must make that clear. And follow up your word if you're not. They can't change for you though; it has to come from within to even have a slim shot at making weight loss last for the duration.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

There are several alternatives to diet and exercise alone. If you read the recent research, obesity appears to be a more complex disease than was once believed. Factors other than poor diet and sedentary lifestyle seem to be involved. Genetic, hormonal, bacterial and fat storage derangements play a role. Recent treatment approaches capitalize on these recent findings. 

If your husband is really motivated, ask him to google and read about the new research and novel treatment approaches. In addition, there are medical centers of excellence for treatment of obesity all around the country. Have him do the legwork to get himself sorted out and take advantage of what is available. 

I think his propensity for obesity is modifiable but he needs more than diet and exercise.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

A number of obesity cases are simply due to caloric excesses and reduced activity. It's how I became too fat before I changed my lifestyle for the better back in 2013. I don't have any studies to corroborate my opinion, but I think the majority of obesity issues ARE due to people losing their way. For obesity to be due to other factors besides diet and exercise, there would have go be real evidence like observations of habits and environment - like a kid who was constantly moving and eating healthy meals yet could never lose an ounce or an actual fat gene found in the obese person's DNA.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

I would sit him down and have a no holds back talk with him. Let him know about your displeasure and if he doesn't lose the weight you are out of here.

Perhaps you should discreetly see a lawyer and find out how a divorce would shake out for you.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> A number of obesity cases are simply due to caloric excesses and reduced activity. It's how I became too fat before I changed my lifestyle for the better back in 2013. I don't have any studies to corroborate my opinion, but I think the majority of obesity issues ARE due to people losing their way. For obesity to be due to other factors besides diet and exercise, there would have go be real evidence like observations of habits and environment - like a kid who was constantly moving and eating healthy meals yet could never lose an ounce or an actual fat gene found in the obese person's DNA.


I should have said morbid obesity. 

The population in the US is getting fatter and for most people it's as you said, diet and exercise. But there is a subset of people who have more going on than those two. I don't know the prevalence but it seems to be borne out by research. With so many genetic factors governing food metabolism and storage, there has to be gene's that effect the efficiency of the process. 

When I overeat, my temperature increases. My face gets flushed and I sweat. Not pleasant. The same thing happens to my mother. I don't have a very thin body type but she does. I have a weight set point that is the higher side of normal range. 

My body seems to want to keep my weight in a narrow range. The women on my mothers side of the family actually lose weight as they age. It starts at around 60 yrs. It's has to be genetic.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> There are several alternatives to diet and exercise alone. If you read the recent research, obesity appears to be a more complex disease than was once believed. Factors other than poor diet and sedentary lifestyle seem to be involved. Genetic, hormonal, bacterial and fat storage derangements play a role. Recent treatment approaches capitalize on these recent findings.
> 
> If your husband is really motivated, ask him to google and read about the new research and novel treatment approaches. In addition, there are medical centers of excellence for treatment of obesity all around the country. Have him do the legwork to get himself sorted out and take advantage of what is available.
> 
> I think his propensity for obesity is modifiable but he needs more than diet and exercise.


The vast and overwhelming majority of obesity is caused by consuming more energy than a person is expending.

Even medical issues come down to derangements in the balance of the equation, not the equation itself.

No matter what new findings happen in obesity research, it will always come down eventually to calories in vs calories out. Even gene predisposition toward obesity won't eliminate the need to control intake.

Many are the psychological reasons a person wrestles with obesity, and as someone who has shed over 100 lbs I know this all too well. But sitting around waiting for obesity research to tell you it's not your fault, and you're not going to have to put in the tough, consistent, life long work of modifying your intake to match your output isn't going to do a thing to help people.


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## seattle_stranger (Nov 4, 2014)

Man, this is heartbreaking. I'm battling a weight issue with my woman of 8 years whom I love dearly. She used to be in shape, beautiful curves, but now she's completely overweight and unattractive, knows it, but has given the "time" and "energy" excuses for years and years. Too tired, too busy, too stressed out, too tired, too busy, too stressed out, too tired, too busy, etc... She got comfortable and complacent, and the motivation to keep me attracted to her has pretty much ceased to exist. I could make improvements myself, that's no question, but I definitely make an effort to be attractive and physically desirable, on top of being extremely romantic, spontaneous, all that. I showed up at her job the other day and all the other women almost knocked me over because they just had to meet this man my lady is always raving about, just to give you an idea of how I contribute to her. When we're at home, she burps, farts, makes disgusting noises, makes gross messes, doesn't brush her teeth, uses the bathroom and doesn't wash her hands, and all sorts of stuff I would expect from a guy roommate, pretty much everything you would NEVER expect a girl to do who is in the presence of a man she likes. Then she'll be quick to talk about "the spark" and how she misses it. She had even told me that her appearance is "not a priority" in her life when we discussed it, which I find offensive and ignorant to my half of the bargain. She knows what she needs to do but makes every excuse in the world not to work out. We just got back from a holiday trip and she completely let herself go, shoveling the most fattening foods imaginable into her face without a single vegetable in 2 weeks.....AND IT SHOWS.

We have light conversation about the fact that we both need to be more healthy, and I always group myself in, I never, ever point out what's wrong with HER, I always say "US". Unfortunately, it's just not working, she just doesn't take it seriously enough. I'm going to have to eventually have another serious talk with her explaining that I'm sick of looking at painfully average women and thinking they are smokin' hot simply because they aren't out of shape. I am madly in love with this woman and I know she is with me too, so I can't understand why this is so hard for her. I would do anything for her that I thought I could do or do better, this is literally the ONLY thing I would ever need her to do. Just get in shape and I don't care how much you burp and fart... 

Sorry I don't have much to contribute to the conversation, just letting you know that this kind of thing is a common problem in marriages.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Some time ago I listened to a radio call in show where the expert of the day proposed people continue to act the same way they did when they were dating after they're married. i.e. try to look nice, smell nice, not be gross, actively listen to the other person, be spontaneous, be thoughtful etc. So many people do exactly as your wife is doing then scratch their head wondering why the 'spark' is gone. 

People can argue they don't have the time anymore but the reality is if they were single and dating...even with the same responsibilities they have today...they would most likely make time. Why not put at least as much effort into the person who committed to you for life as the person who may potentially commit to you for life?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

jaquen said:


> The vast and overwhelming majority of obesity is caused by consuming more energy than a person is expending.
> 
> Even medical issues come down to derangements in the balance of the equation, not the equation itself.
> 
> ...


Congratulations!

How did you lose the weight and how long has it been? What motivated you? Can you give lilipad any tips that might help her to encourage her husband.


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## DadOfFour (Mar 13, 2013)

seattle_stranger said:


> Man, this is heartbreaking. I'm battling a weight issue with my woman of 8 years whom I love dearly. She used to be in shape, beautiful curves, but now she's completely overweight and unattractive, knows it, but has given the "time" and "energy" excuses for years and years. Too tired, too busy, too stressed out, too tired, too busy, too stressed out, too tired, too busy, etc... She got comfortable and complacent, and the motivation to keep me attracted to her has pretty much ceased to exist. I could make improvements myself, that's no question, but I definitely make an effort to be attractive and physically desirable, on top of being extremely romantic, spontaneous, all that. I showed up at her job the other day and all the other women almost knocked me over because they just had to meet this man my lady is always raving about, just to give you an idea of how I contribute to her. When we're at home, she burps, farts, makes disgusting noises, makes gross messes, doesn't brush her teeth, uses the bathroom and doesn't wash her hands, and all sorts of stuff I would expect from a guy roommate, pretty much everything you would NEVER expect a girl to do who is in the presence of a man she likes. Then she'll be quick to talk about "the spark" and how she misses it. She had even told me that her appearance is "not a priority" in her life when we discussed it, which I find offensive and ignorant to my half of the bargain. She knows what she needs to do but makes every excuse in the world not to work out. We just got back from a holiday trip and she completely let herself go, shoveling the most fattening foods imaginable into her face without a single vegetable in 2 weeks.....AND IT SHOWS.
> 
> We have light conversation about the fact that we both need to be more healthy, and I always group myself in, I never, ever point out what's wrong with HER, I always say "US". Unfortunately, it's just not working, she just doesn't take it seriously enough. I'm going to have to eventually have another serious talk with her explaining that I'm sick of looking at painfully average women and thinking they are smokin' hot simply because they aren't out of shape. I am madly in love with this woman and I know she is with me too, so I can't understand why this is so hard for her. I would do anything for her that I thought I could do or do better, this is literally the ONLY thing I would ever need her to do. Just get in shape and I don't care how much you burp and fart...
> 
> Sorry I don't have much to contribute to the conversation, just letting you know that this kind of thing is a common problem in marriages.


WOW, she sounds like a season of "Here's Honey Boo Boo"


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## DadOfFour (Mar 13, 2013)

The sad fact with the OP's Husband is as well as the Genetic factors he also has to lose 150lbs and that's going to take some major work and lifestyle changes. Yeah you can see people do it on shows like "The Biggest Loser" but in the real world where it's unrealistic to work on weight loss 24/7 plus employ 1 on 1 trainers, dietitians etc you may have to look at drastic measures like stomach staples, stomach bypass surgery, lap band surgery etc. I've known at least half a dozen people in the last few years that have had to go that route as nothing ever worked for them and let me tell you the change in them not only physically but mentally as well has been amazing.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Lilipad said:


> So I have an update. Thanks to all the encouragement on the board, I finally had the nerve to tell my husband how I felt. As you can imagine it was an awful conversation. I told him I no longer felt attracted to him and that I feel like a single parent most of the time. I'm tired of having discussions every year where I tell him I need help around the house, he's good for a few weeks, and then he's back to his old self. He doesn't take care of himself and he's turning into his father. I told him that I thought maybe I should move out for a little while. He agreed with all of what I said, but that he didn't want to lose me. He wants to do marriage counseling. I have an appointment with my therapist next week and I'll ask her if she can recommend anyone. I've agreed to try counseling but I honestly don't know if it will help. It may help his actions around the house, but I'm not sure how it will increase my attraction to him. I just feel like we're in a completely platonic relationship. But I'm willing to give it a try. Thank you all again for your help.


I applaud what you did, but all of this could have been replaced with "husband, you've become fat and don't turn me on any more. You can fix that one of two ways. I'll leave that up to you."

Helping around the house won't make you hot 'n horny for him. 

Sometimes, simple and direct is the way to go. Particularly with us dudes.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Lilipad said:


> I've agreed to try counseling but I honestly don't know if it will help. It may help his actions around the house, but I'm not sure how it will increase my attraction to him. I just feel like we're in a completely platonic relationship. But I'm willing to give it a try. Thank you all again for your help.


I hate to tell you this Lilly but he wants counseling to change your attitude about him. If he behaves as you say, he sounds comfortable being a slug. Chances are, and as a woman you know it, once you lose attraction for your mate, it will never return with the gusto it once had. The unlikelihood that he's really going to get off his azz and do anything, makes to odds worse.


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## Lilipad (Dec 9, 2014)

I just wrote a long post, but it seems to have disappeared so I guess I'll try again.

My husband has been amazing these past weeks. He's cleaned more than he's ever done before and is helping with the kids. He's back on weight watchers and is doing the treadmill every day. However, I've seen this behavior before and have little hope of it lasting. I discreetly met with a divorce lawyer this week. Just a consultation, but at least I know what the next steps are. I've also been researching apartments. I don't have enough money in my account to move out yet, but in a month or two I will. 
Unfortunately, my husband has some serious issues with food. He will not eat any fruits or vegetables. I've paid for hypnotist sessions in the past to see if that will get him over his hang ups but there was no change. Because of that, I don't think any special diet clinics or medication willl help him, as he's unwilling to try new food.
Part of me has no idea why he wants to stay married. It certainly doesn't feel like he's even attracted to me. I've never said no to him when he's asked for sex, but i could probably count how many times we've had sex in the 12 years we've been together. In fact he's turned me down a few times. And this was before he weighed this much. I'll spend hours getting ready for an event and he'll tell me I look "nice." Gee thanks. Frankly, I look better now than I did when I was younger. I try to pay attention to my appearance and look good for him but I feel like he doesn't notice me. I got a Brazilian wax last year to try and be sexy, but he did not care at all. This, coupled with years of resentment toward him leads me to believe divorce is inevitable.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Sorry to hear of your issues Lillipad. I think you're doing the right thing looking for your own place. People rarely change for any length of time. Wishing you the best.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Sometimes the experience with the person will forever change your perception of them. Even if he does become fit, and does more, you might never gain the attraction back. Attraction is very important in a long term relationship. It infuses the relationship with those magical feelings that is needed to sustain romantic interest. Otherwise, the relationship is just platonic. Some people can recapture it, and some cannot. I know that my ex is an attractive woman, but to me, she will never be attractive in the same way. My experience will always color my attraction to her.

You need to seek help to see if you can get over the resentment. Even if you could, there is still no guarantee that you can still fall in love again. Your not the same person, and neither is he. What once made you fall in love may be no longer there. You both have to figure out if the people you two are now can be something more. Just keep working on your issues. Good luck.


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## ifweonly (Feb 27, 2014)

Lilipad, I am so sorry that you and your H are having this challenge. I just wish those who imply that you just need to accept your H's problems for --- whatever reason would not. His problem is not yours at all to fix but it obviously is impacting your relationship in a huge way.

When I married my wife (back in the dark ages) both her mom and grandmother were very obese. Very! My girl friend (wife) was not of the image of her mom but very slim and attractive. Over the years, we have both gained 20-25 pounds and have reset our diet and exercise regiment. 

Recently while talking with my cardiologist, he told my wife and myself that while exercise matters but what and how much goes into your mouth matters more. Someone else here remarked that weight gain happens when calories in exceed calories burnt; that person is right on according to my cardiologist. In the short time since that discussion, the additional changes we made have resulted in an additional weight loss of 8 pounds. 

Someone else suggested that your H's agreeing to counseling is simply a ploy to get you to accept his current situation. I agree with that but it simply boggles my mind why men do not understand what it takes to create an attraction in a women's mind; hint: it has very little to do with the guy's anatomy -- they need to start realizing that women are not stupid and know exactly what they want and need.

Lilipad, your H's refusal to acknowledge and execute the concerns that you have leave you few options; he needs to get real or be prepared to experience "single dome" again.
I wish you the Best!


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## Lilipad (Dec 9, 2014)

I have a theoretical question to ask, something I've been thinking a lot about lately.

Say in 6 months from now, my husband's still helping around the house, playing with the kids, etc. He's still walking on the treadmill and watching what he eats. Basically, he's still making an effort. We've gone to marriage counseling and I'm working on my resentment toward him. In this theoretical world, things have mostly gotten better. However, I'm still not attracted to him. Would you stay in this marriage in spite of that? To be honest, the thought of trying to pretend like I enjoy him touching me for the next 40 years makes me feel a little sick. But maybe I'm making too big a deal out of it. I'm worried that I'm thinking about throwing away an otherwise fine marriage. Is it better to be with someone you share no passion with? Am I being selfish for wanting more?

I know this is all theoretical and anything could happen, but I'm just curious about other people's thoughts. Thank you.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

I think that if he is legitimately trying to meet your needs you need to give him a chance. Keep in mind that I completely agree that you should not have to fake attraction for him. Be encouraging, reinforce his positive actions. But at the same time don't let him get comfortable. It's a hard balance to strike. I think you also need to actively work on letting go of resentment, which it sounds like you're doing. 

I think one of the keys is to not project out too far ahead. Look at where you are right now and focus on whether or not it is getting better day to day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Hypothetically speaking, sometimes attraction does not return. One of my friend's mom left her alcoholic husband. He has been sober for the last five years, but even though they are friends and co-parents, her attraction to him has never return. He has accepted the fact that he burned to many bridges for her to ever love him that way again. Even though she got pass her resentment, she cannot get over the experience. Experience does play a role in love as well. She has a bf now for the last three years, and he started dating about a year ago.

When you get pass your resentment, and he forms a pattern of this, then you can make a decision. The future has too many variables to make a promise of that magnitude. Love is not a switch people can simply turn on and off. Life is one day at a time. If you come across that bridge, and the love and attraction is simply gone, then at least form a friendship as best as you can. Make everything amicable as much as possible. You at least gave it a shot, and that should be enough.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I wouldn't recommend staying if you still feel repulsed by the idea of his touch. 

That said...sometimes if you imagine you feel a certain way eventually you will. If you shut your mind to the possibility you never will. Try thinking positive about your attraction returning.

Good luck.


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## Threetimesalady (Dec 22, 2010)

Lilipad said:


> I have a theoretical question to ask, something I've been thinking a lot about lately.
> 
> Say in 6 months from now, my husband's still helping around the house, playing with the kids, etc. He's still walking on the treadmill and watching what he eats. Basically, he's still making an effort. We've gone to marriage counseling and I'm working on my resentment toward him. In this theoretical world, things have mostly gotten better. However, I'm still not attracted to him. Would you stay in this marriage in spite of that? To be honest, the thought of trying to pretend like I enjoy him touching me for the next 40 years makes me feel a little sick. But maybe I'm making too big a deal out of it. I'm worried that I'm thinking about throwing away an otherwise fine marriage. Is it better to be with someone you share no passion with? Am I being selfish for wanting more?
> 
> I know this is all theoretical and anything could happen, but I'm just curious about other people's thoughts. Thank you.


Having been in our marriage for over 56 years I believe it is important to have sexual lust for your partner..This is part of who we are...It was this awakening that brought us together...What we feel now is who we were when we met...Please understand I would love him if he couldn't perform sexually anymore as he would love me, but it is our intimate thoughts that can be exchanged in our looking at each other that connects our souls...

I believe a woman gets more sexual as she ages...Youth is and are child rearing times...Then she grows into this hot and lustful woman who is ready, willing and able to be everything she feels inside...I believe these are the wonderful years...Many of what I have said are evident in the aging women who have lost their good sense and gotten into relationships with younger boys and men...They are not all bad women, many are kind of lost with this new awakening that they have found and not able to control it....This may be only my thought, but being one of this species I believe it is true....

Good luck in your marriage...May you find peace...TTAL....


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I dont think OP would want him even if he did lose all the wait. By her own admission.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> Congratulations!
> 
> How did you lose the weight and how long has it been? What motivated you?


Thank you.

I lost the first 40 or so pounds with a lower carb approach to eating. The rest with intermittent fasting, a practice I use to this day and plan to for the rest of my life. It's been a little over 3.5 years since I began. I tend to lose a large chunk, sustain for awhile, lose another, etc. I'm back in loss mode and am planning to get to my goal by end of summer. By the time I finish I will have lost over 150 pounds.

I'm motivated by the fact that I hate being in a fat body._ Loathe it._ I hated it from the moment I realized that I was fat, which was in the 5th or 6th grade. It never felt natural, normal, or me. It always felt like I was trapped in somebody else's body. Being fat was one of the worst things that ever happened to me as a child, and that I allowed to continue happening to me as an adult. It altered a lot of the ways I existed in the world. That provides the kind of motivation that has you getting back up after 100,000 failures. 



Catherine602 said:


> Can you give lilipad any tips that might help her to encourage her husband.


In my experience you can't motivate anyone to lose weight. You can support, and encourage, with words, working out alongside them, eating healthier foods with them, losing some weight if you need to. 

But you can't create that spark. It has to come from within. Something has to click, or snap, and not just once, but over, and over, and over again. It has to be a fire that burns even in the face of many failures. That's why this is incredibly tough. 

I think all Lillipad, and others in her shoes (I am too, as my wife has gained a lot of weight and is struggling), can do is be honest about their own breaking points. We all have different levels of tolerance when it comes to these things. If you've reached the point where attraction is almost gone, and you're frustrated to no end, you must be honest and let the chips fall where they may.

Perhaps it will spark them to seek motivation. Perhaps it will kill the marriage. But suffering in silence isn't good for anyone.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Lilipad said:


> I have a theoretical question to ask, something I've been thinking a lot about lately.
> 
> Say in 6 months from now, my husband's still helping around the house, playing with the kids, etc. He's still walking on the treadmill and watching what he eats. Basically, he's still making an effort. We've gone to marriage counseling and I'm working on my resentment toward him. In this theoretical world, things have mostly gotten better. However, I'm still not attracted to him. Would you stay in this marriage in spite of that? To be honest, the thought of trying to pretend like I enjoy him touching me for the next 40 years makes me feel a little sick. But maybe I'm making too big a deal out of it. I'm worried that I'm thinking about throwing away an otherwise fine marriage. Is it better to be with someone you share no passion with? Am I being selfish for wanting more?
> 
> I know this is all theoretical and anything could happen, but I'm just curious about other people's thoughts. Thank you.


unfortunately the phrase too little too late comes to mind in reading this thread.

and that's ok. you just recognize it is what it is and for you to be happy its time to move on.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Hypothetically speaking, sometimes attraction does not return.


Fact is that attraction, once lost, never returns. I've preached this to you guys for some time now. Like our girl Lilly sez, "to pretend like I enjoy him touching me for the next 40 years makes me feel a little sick".


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## lesserhalf (Feb 14, 2015)

I really caution you to not break off your marriage so quickly over this issue. There are so many reasons to stay, more than to leave, and like you said, your relationship will change. It will change for the better if you get the right help and perspective. One thing that is true about us humans, whether we want to admit it or not, is that we are fickle in our emotions. So, don't let them be your guide. They change like the wind and are not trustworthy. You love your husband, you don't have to be in love with him always, that comes and goes, but you love him. There are ways that you can lift him up and encourage him, and you must accept that you cannot change him, and choose to love him anyway. Love is NOT an emotion or a romantic passion, it is a choice and it is how we choose to act. Its unconditional love, and something that we all desire. Easy to want, hard to give. Something I learned in my marriage is that it is not 50/50. It is 100% about YOU. Your choices to forgive, have grace, and have dignity and integrity even when your spouse is being a fool. I truly wish you the best.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Lilipad,

Let's start with this. You need to be true to yourself. I'll try to map that abstract idea to concrete actions. The first is a completely unfiltered conversation that goes something like this:

I'm grateful for your recent efforts - the discipline - the motivation and frankly the results are impressive. 

I'm also resentful that for a full decade, I feel that you prioritized the couch and the refrigerator above your love for me. I really feel like the premarital version of you - active and fit - and the marotal version - were radically different. Physical intimacy is - well - physical. And at some level you knew that well enough to stay fit when you were dating. 

It's going to take a while for me to get past that. I need you to know that I WANT to get past it as I'm not ok with a long term sexless marriage. So I hope you continue to show me that you love ME more than the couch and the fridge. 

I'm going to warn you - there's a 50-50 chance you'll get a blameshifting response that includes one or more of:
- You should have told me this a long time ago
- I can't believe you are so shallow
- What if I was injured in a car accident 
- Blah blah blah

The answer to that is short and firm:
- I did everything I could to encourage you to exercise with me and to eat healthier.
- I DO love you, so I tried to be tactful.
- Don't pretend you thought I was OK with this. I wasn't and you knew I wasn't. 
- At some point, I hope you mature enough to admit the catalyst for all this healthy behavior was - you felt me giving up on the marriage. It wasn't love, it was fear. And that makes me sad. 







Lilipad said:


> I have a theoretical question to ask, something I've been thinking a lot about lately.
> 
> Say in 6 months from now, my husband's still helping around the house, playing with the kids, etc. He's still walking on the treadmill and watching what he eats. Basically, he's still making an effort. We've gone to marriage counseling and I'm working on my resentment toward him. In this theoretical world, things have mostly gotten better. However, I'm still not attracted to him. Would you stay in this marriage in spite of that? To be honest, the thought of trying to pretend like I enjoy him touching me for the next 40 years makes me feel a little sick. But maybe I'm making too big a deal out of it. I'm worried that I'm thinking about throwing away an otherwise fine marriage. Is it better to be with someone you share no passion with? Am I being selfish for wanting more?
> 
> I know this is all theoretical and anything could happen, but I'm just curious about other people's thoughts. Thank you.


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