# *trigger warning* My husband has a substance abuse problem and becomes violent and threatens to leave what should I do?



## aieslyn

My husband got smashed again tonight. I brought up the issue of his drinking and the unreasonable cost to the family and an argument ensued. He goes to the bottle shop multiple times to buy 1 beer or bottle of wine each time. The cost adds up and he might go 2, 3, sometimes, more times and he does this on a regular basis. I told him $20 a day on alcohol is too much. If he is going to drink like this, at least drink economically. Why doesn't he buy a carton of beer or large carton of wine?

His response is to say: I'm only concerned because of the girl at the bottle shop. I respond, I didn't even know she had been working and, no, this is not the primary issue. He insists it is, he goes on to provoke me by saying she's "alright and he'd bang her" he puts his fingers to his mouth and makes a gesture with his tongue and fingers like licking her out.

I find this offensive and say: well, if I wasn't insecure before about any girl, I have just cause now to be concerned, going off the way he is speaking to me. The argument goes around and around and I repeat my point about "not understanding the unnecessary need to go multiple times to the bottle shop and waste money rather than planning ahead. I reiterate, I wish he would be honest with himself about just how much he drinks and to buy in bulk?"

He diverts back to argue about the girl, saying how he'd like to "bang her" while making hip thrusts. I'm really upset and tell him that what he is saying is disrespectful and he is avoiding the issue here. I let him know, he's being hurtful and rude to me and his behaviour is not making me feel safe in the relationship with him. He says my insecurity is my problem. I tell him, I don't have a problem. I feel insecure because he behaves in this kind of way, which doesn't inspire any sense of security in the relationship.

He is very drunk now. He starts calling me names, blames me for the argument and tells me that I'm "*****ing". He starts to make the argument about how he doesn't need me and telling me I do nothing for him. I'm offended and correct him, saying that's not true. I point out, I do all the cooking and the majority of the housework. I help with the business whenever I can. I consistently put our son to bed each night and arrange to take the kids for him on the days we have them home, so that he can work. I give him sex on demand and whatever else he ever wants. His sexual needs are high, he wants sex every day or for me to give him a blow job. He has previously told me, if I don't fulfill his needs, he would have grounds to leave me for someone who does, so I never refuse him and try my best to be a good partner. I highlight, I share all my assets and we live in my family house which enables a huge degree of financial freedom for him and the family. He spits on this and belittles my contributions, saying: He doesn't need me or any of it. I'm hurt by his dismissal and don't know what to say. I am crying. I tell him he is being cruel and I don't understand why he is treating me this way. I also point out how I feel he takes me for granted and is mistreating me, especially considering I'm 4 months pregnant.

I beg him to make amends. I am So upset and don't want to argue further. He tells me to, "**** off *****". I had come and placed my hand on his foot, which was up on the table, in a gesture to make peace. He pushes forward in his chair and kicks me in the stomach and I fall to the ground. His kick is not hard but it is enough to push me over. Fortunately I am not very hurt. I tell him he's being abusive and he says, "he doesn't care". I point out his behaviour doesn't just hurt me but the baby in my tummy too. He says, "he doesn't care". I beg him to be reasonable, I beg him for an explanation as to why he is suddenly treating me this way? I ask him to just, please, let's make up - please cuddle me. He pushes me again and keeps pushing me.

My mum comes over hears us arguing upstairs and he leaves the house.

He comes back. I tell him his behaviour is not OK. My parents also think he has a drinking problem, and is being selfish by not considering the costs to the family. They agree that his multiple visits to the bottleshop a day are unusual.

His response is to get angry and tell me he cares 0% about their opinions. He takes his wedding ring off and throws it at me. It misses me and lands in the sink. I beg him, please don't do this... Don't disrespect me and our marriage in this way.

He tells me to, **** off he doesn't care about me. I am crying and ask him why he is being so cold and please, to not treat me in this way.
He tells me to "stop my *****ing" - as if all this is my fault.

He goes upstairs and lays on the bed. He goes to sleep and I decide to take the children to my mum's house as I'm crying and SO upset and don't know what to do.

I come back from my mum's and he has left with some things. I call him once and he doesn't answer. I call his brother and he says he will try calling him. I tell his brother what has gone on. I have never disclosed before the truth of how my husband treats me to him or anyone. He exaggerates things and tells his family half truths about the nature of our arguments, to put me in a bad light. His family think I'm crazy. I've never told anyone the whole truth about just how violent he is to me. I don't know if his brother believes me or not... I hope he does and can help us. I have little faith in this though.

It took forever to get the kids to settle tonight. I'm so distressed and they are so disturbed. I am currently so stressed I can hardly think. I can't sleep. I'm shaking and don't know what to do. It's midnight and I can't sleep. My husband is staying at his brother's tonight. We will talk in the morning.

I need advice, to makes sense of things...Have I done something wrong here? Is he behaving like this because I beg and he thinks I'm needy? Is it because he feels criticised when I bring up the drinking and the unfair costs? I don't understand why he is being so mean to me?

Please help me make sense of all this. Thanks in advance and sorry for the long post 🙏


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## Torninhalf

Wow. Your husband sounds grotesque. Let the girl at the bottle shop have him.


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## aieslyn

Unfortunately it's not as simple as this for me. He is not always like this to me, he can be kind. He just treats me this way when he is drunk. I love him and I just don't know what to do. I feel like my heart is breaking...I know you might think me silly.


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## Benbutton

Most abusive people aren't always abusive. Not sure why you continue to put yourself through this


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## LisaDiane

aieslyn said:


> Unfortunately it's not as simple as this for me. He is not always like this to me, he can be kind. He just treats me this way when he is drunk. I love him and I just don't know what to do. I feel like my heart is breaking...I know you might think me silly.


What you do is LEAVE until he gets clean and STOPS drinking. His terrible, violent behavior will NEVER STOP if he continues to drink, and you are doing untold damage to yourself and your children by remaining in a relationship with someone who DOES NOT care about you. 

You are NOT silly, you are being abused, and you need to leave as soon as you can...


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## Bibi1031

He is a mean drunk. You are in an abusive marriage. Record him on your phone when he gets nasty. Call the police if he hits or pushes you. Heck, call the police as soon as he tells you he doesn't care about you at all. 

Are all three kids his? When de he start getting violent?


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## heartsbeating

I'm being a bad TAM member... didn't read the whole post. Just got to where he gestures wanting to give the shop assistant oral and that he wants to bang her. If I was on the receiving end, I'd tell him to go ahead, if she's into it too. I'd then pack a bag and be goneski. Regardless if it was bravado or not.


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## heartsbeating

aieslyn said:


> I need advice, to makes sense of things...Have I done something wrong here? Is he behaving like this because I beg and he thinks I'm needy? Is it because he feels criticised when I bring up the drinking and the unfair costs? I don't understand why he is being so mean to me?


While I'm prone to share on TAM that both partners play a part in the dynamic, I'm not doing that here.

He's behaving like that because he has issues.

I think what's more important is to understand why you are with him. 

He's gone to his brothers; okay, I'd change the locks and tell him we're done.


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## Purplepaisley

I grew up like this and it has done major damage to my life and to my siblings. The violence will only get worse and you are teaching your children that this behavior is acceptable and making the children feel unsafe. Your children will lose all respect for you for allowing yourself to be treated like a doormat, not to mention for putting them in an unsafe environment.

You may love your husband, but he doesn't know what love is. Please get counseling and get out of this situation asap. You do not deserve this treatment.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy

He kicked you in your stomach while pregnant. That's just the lowest of the low. This man sounds dangerous and I'd be thinking of a safety plan to leave safely with my children. 

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


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## BigDaddyNY

He physically assaulted you and is verbally and emotionally abusive. I suggest you get out as fast as possible. If he is willing to kick his pregnant wife in the stomach how long before it escalates to the point where you are in the hospital or dead? And please don't say he would never do that. Before you were married did you ever think in a million years he would kick you in the stomach while drunk?


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## Diana7

If you don't end this marriage to this awful, abusive, cruel, disgusting man for yourself then please end it for your poor children. Is this what you want for them? To grow up in an abusive home living in fear of what their so called dad will do next? And now you are bringing another child into this mess? They will end up emotionally damaged for life and you are the only one who can protect them. I mean he kicked you in the stomach, he could have killed the baby. How much more will you put up with before you see sense? 
Please just end it. I am very surprised that your parents haven't helped you to see this already.
You say it's your house, get the locks changed and get a restraining order.


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## Diana7

BigDaddyNY said:


> He physically assaulted you and is verbally and emotionally abusive. I suggest you get out as fast as possible. If he is willing to kick his pregnant wife in the stomach how long before it escalates to the point where you are in the hospital or dead? And please don't say he would never do that. Before you were married did you ever think in a million years he would kick you in the stomach while drunk?


And who would protect the children if you were in hospital or dead?


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## DownByTheRiver

aieslyn said:


> Unfortunately it's not as simple as this for me. He is not always like this to me, he can be kind. He just treats me this way when he is drunk. I love him and I just don't know what to do. I feel like my heart is breaking...I know you might think me silly.


You have to wake up and realize who he really is instead of who you hoped he would be or who you used to think he was. This isn't anything you can fix. And as long as you are putting up with it and staying with him he has no motivation whatsoever to change or treat you better.


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## heartsbeating

Will you tell your parents that he is abusive?

Will you contact a domestic violence help-line?


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## coquille

aieslyn said:


> Unfortunately it's not as simple as this for me. He is not always like this to me, he can be kind. He just treats me this way when he is drunk. I love him and I just don't know what to do. I feel like my heart is breaking...I know you might think me silly.


You need to know something about abuse. I'm saying this from experience and from reading a lot about domestic abuse. Abuse follows a cyclic pattern. There is an abusive explosive episode, followed by calm, followed by a honeymoon period whereby the abusive person feels guilty and tries to repair the damage they've done, then it's followed by a new episode of abuse triggered by a meaningless thing. This is mainly why abused people don't leave right away. It's not all bad. Every situation is unique, and people don't leave for various reasons. You need to weigh the pros and cons of staying with this man, taking into account the well-being of the children. They are priority. If you can provide a healthier environment for them by leaving, and you are able to support yourself and them, then you should not wait a second. The children are gravely damaged by just witnessing domestic abuse, and by leaving with them you'll model for them a dignified behavior that has zero tolerance for abuse, and they'll know that they should not accept abuse in their future lives. It takes a lot of courage to leave, but sometimes you don't have the choice and leaving is better for everyone.


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## frusdil

aieslyn said:


> Unfortunately it's not as simple as this for me. He is not always like this to me, he can be kind. *He just treats me this way when he is drunk.* I love him and I just don't know what to do. I feel like my heart is breaking...I know you might think me silly.


Then he shouldn't drink, knowing this is how he behaves. The thing is, it's not the alcohol making him this way, this is who he really is. All the alcohol does is remove his inhibitions. You're seeing the true "man". 

You love him? What about your children? Why don't you love them as much as him? How can you continue to subject them to this awful life?




heartsbeating said:


> I'm being a bad TAM member... didn't read the whole post. Just got to where he gestures wanting to give the shop assistant oral and that he wants to bang her. If I was on the receiving end, I'd tell him to go ahead, if she's into it too. I'd then pack a bag and be goneski. Regardless if it was bravado or not.


Girl, same. I'd be bye bye!


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## D0nnivain

You need to start going to Al-Anon meetings. They are a support group for people like you, saddled with a drunk who they otherwise love. You will learn you are not alone. You will learn coping skills & you will get stronger. Then, with support, you will be better equipped to come up with a plan that best fits you from divorcing, to staging an intervention or even doing nothing. It's not one size fits all but do educate yourself about his problem & your role in enabling him. If nothing else you will get more peace.


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## aieslyn

Bibi1031 said:


> He is a mean drunk. You are in an abusive marriage. Record him on your phone when he gets nasty. Call the police if he hits or pushes you. Heck, call the police as soon as he tells you he doesn't care about you at all.
> 
> Are all three kids his? When de he start getting violent?


Yes, all 3 children are his. This has been ongoing since 2016


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## aieslyn

coquille said:


> You need to know something about abuse. I'm saying this from experience and from reading a lot about domestic abuse. Abuse follows a cyclic pattern. There is an abusive explosive episode, followed by calm, followed by a honeymoon period whereby the abusive person feels guilty and tries to repair the damage they've done, then it's followed by a new episode of abuse triggered by a meaningless thing. This is mainly why abused people don't leave right away. It's not all bad. Every situation is unique, and people don't leave for various reasons. You need to weigh the pros and cons of staying with this man, taking into account the well-being of the children. They are priority. If you can provide a healthier environment for them by leaving, and you are able to support yourself and them, then you should not wait a second. The children are gravely damaged by just witnessing domestic abuse, and by leaving with them you'll model for them a dignified behavior that has zero tolerance for abuse, and they'll know that they should not accept abuse in their future lives. It takes a lot of courage to leave, but sometimes you don't have the choice and leaving is better for everyone.


Thanks for your advice. This does help to make some sense of how i've been feeling 🙏


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## aieslyn

D0nnivain said:


> You need to start going to Al-Anon meetings. They are a support group for people like you, saddled with a drunk who they otherwise love. You will learn you are not alone. You will learn coping skills & you will get stronger. Then, with support, you will be better equipped to come up with a plan that best fits you from divorcing, to staging an intervention or even doing nothing. It's not one size fits all but do educate yourself about his problem & your role in enabling him. If nothing else you will get more peace.


Thanks so much for your advice 🙏


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