# Painfully private with no one to talk to...



## NamelessWife (Aug 8, 2011)

Hi, I'm new to this forum and to the whole getting advice online thing. I'm a very private person so I can't really confide in the few people I know about my marriage problems, which is why I decided to look online.
I've been married almost two years. I know that all marriages have ups and downs but at what point do you start to think maybe our differences are too many to accomodate?
My husband and I love each other...that I know. But I also know that sometimes our personalities can be almost polar opposites in some ways, and love by itself is not enough to sustain a marriage if other things are not compatible in my opinion. I'm scared to think that maybe we both were too optimistic before marriage that we can work on our differences because we were both looking for love and ready to settle down.
I thought I was using my head before we got married and not just my heart. We talked about everything I could think of to make sure that we're on the same page.

I should explain in more detail. My husband can be a very thoughtful and loving man. He is very kindhearted and I know he loves me. When things are going well between us, they are great. The problem is that when I met him and when we started to get to know each other, I learned some things about him and how he lives his life that were not so great. He even admits that he lives his life like a grown kid and says that he believes one should live life day by day otherwise they will spend their lives worrying about the future and not enjoying the present.
Although there is some truth to that, it's also somewhat extreme because he ends up living everyday without plans for tomorrow and just looking to do whatever he wants at the moment.
I am 3.5 yrs older than he is, I have two BS degrees, I have quite a bit of savings in the bank, no debts, credit very good, and I live within my means with no extravagant lifestyle of any sort. When I met him we both had decent jobs, and he was very good at what he does-he is very intelligent.
Unfortunately we both lost our jobs due to layoffs.
He is overweight, he spends many hours playing videogames, watching sports, has an obsession with buying/selling/trading sports cards, little to no savings, large amount of debt-all to me because I loaned him to pay off credit cards. And he can be very lazy.

Before we got married we discussed everything in detail. I specifically made it clear that he needs to fix or work on all these issues and that I would be willing to support him and be patient because I know things don't change overnight. He not only promised me in all sincerity that he would work on these things, he began to make all kinds of changes, lost a lot of weight, enrolled in school which he still attends, eliminated expenses to better manage his finances-all before we even got married.

Now I feel like things slowly went back to the way they were. We've had numerous fights about this, and I can feel myself losing patience everyday to the point where I don't know if it's worth it anymore. I've tried everything I can think of. He can be very stubborn, refuses the idea of counseling, I've suggested we join fitness groups together, I've asked him to lessen the time he spends in front of the computer, everything in moderation, I've asked him to make some effort to pay back my loan which has been very minimal and sporadic. I lose patience, I get angry, and yes I say things that make it even worse.

Now we're not even speaking because we had a huge argument yesterday. After already subscribing to one online videgame, he wants to pay for another one even though we're both financially strapped (he's working a low wage job and I am trying hard to find work with no luck so far after I had just graduated). His car has so many problems-he admits to not maintaining it like he should-and now he needs to buy a new one. I got very angry, I couldn't understand how someone could be so careless about things like this, does not prioritize, or even want to.
I try to give him advice, suggest things for him, which he sometimes follows and knows and acknowledges that they work for him. I tell him I care about him and love him, and that I bring these things up only because I want what's best for him and for us. And we've talked so many times before about starting a family or at least having one kid, how can I start a family with someone who doesn't plan for the future? He's so set in his ways sometimes it boggles my mind.

Our blow up yesterday was the biggest we've had so far. We called each other names and completely disrespected each other. I feel lost and defeated, and close to not caring about what to do. 
I can't believe that things can turn so bad between me and this man who otherwise is a completely loving, caring teddybear of a man, we make each other laugh a lot, we're almost like good friends on other days. We wrestle like children! We make each other laugh until we can't breathe. We are so goofy and silly with each other, we both have a private side that only we know about each other and no one else. Why is it that we can be so comfortable with one another in some ways but we can't have a serious adult conversation about our issues without arguing?
Are we just too different? He says I'm controlling and that I'm never satisfied. That even if he fixes these things that I will find other stuff to complain about, that he's never good enough. He says he's made a lot of changes so far but I make it sound like he's done nothing.

I'm exhausted. I feel like I'm trying to be patient and be there for him while he works through his ups and downs and lose the weight, but it's like holding my breath and getting let down. He lost close to 80 lbs and needed to lose about 100 more, but he gained it all back again and for the longest time refused to weigh or tell me where he was until I finally got it out of him. I was crushed. He doesn't care about himself or his health. He's too young to be where he is at 30, has joint problems and his weight is only making things worse.

I don't know what to do. I have no one to talk to. Is he too set in his ways? I know I lose it sometimes. I'm not blaming myself but I also realize I need to take responsibility for my part of the relationship. And I'm out of ideas. I've told him many times that it feels like we have a parent-child relationship, but I can't just not get involved completely. I tried that and what happened? He gained back the 80 lbs he lost  I lost hope or faith that he can do things with 100 % independence. What affects his life affects mine and vice versa, we can't live like roommates. What kind of marriage would that be?

I appologize for the long post. I've kept this all bottled up too long with no one to talk to. I need outside perspective, not a friend or family member who might take sides, not that I can feel comfortable enough confiding in them to begin with.

Is this hopeless.....?


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## jason29927 (Aug 1, 2011)

I don't think it's hopeless. Doesn't sound like things are proceeding very well at all, but it's not hopeless. You may need to leave and have a time of separation. That might make him focus a little more and realize what he's about to lose.

Don't make any snap decisions. That's what I did and I regret it.


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## grizabella (May 8, 2011)

Talking to him, badgering him and (in his mind) nagging him won't help so you might as well save your breath. He sounds passive-aggressive to me, he's withholding something you need from him even though it puts his health and finances in jeopardy. You need to decide what is the deal breaker for you, where do you draw the line. If he want's to go bankrupt and/or kill himself with his weight can you really stop him? What you need to take responsibility for is your own mental/physical health because he's sucking the life out of you. I would suggest reading the book LIVING WITH THE PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE MAN by Scott Wetzler. You will find your situation there and many suggestions on how to cope. Good luck.


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## montana16 (Aug 8, 2011)

Its definitely not hopeless. You need to step back and take a look at the big picture. You guys are still in love. I suggest a separation period, where he has to pretty much fend for himself. Hes not going to get any better if you give him everything he seems to think he needs to get by. I'd also recommend maybe trying to see a marriage counselor. They can help better than anyone on here can. 

I'm sorry to hear that this is happening to you, but if you keep your head high and strive for what you want then everything will work its way out.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

NamelessWife said:


> I know that all marriages have ups and downs but at what point do you start to think maybe our differences are too many to accomodate?
> My husband and I love each other...that I know. But I also know that sometimes our personalities can be almost polar opposites in some ways, and love by itself is not enough to sustain a marriage if other things are not compatible in my opinion.


It may help to learn more about your own Temperments and Love languages and HIS to help understand each other better - I did threads on both of these -with online tests.


*** http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ments-our-spouses-better-understand-them.html


*** http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-languages-how-does-affect-your-marraige.html



> He even admits that he lives his life like a grown kid and says that he believes one should live life day by day otherwise they will spend their lives worrying about the future and not enjoying the present. Although there is some truth to that, it's also somewhat extreme because he ends up living everyday without plans for tomorrow and just looking to do whatever he wants at the moment.


 I can tell by what you say here exactly what Temperment your husband is , he has to be primarily a *Sanguine *who is exhibiting much of this temperments WEAKNESSES - living completely in the moment with LITTLE DISCIPLINE or responsibilty, I bet he is also Phlegmatic, you mentioned his is LAZY but a good worker when you get him going, a Loving teddybear. 

You sound like a Choleric (angry easy, controlling) in some of the way you have described yourself in your post. You are very responsible with $$, that is a GOOD trait ! Each temperment has their GOOD traits/strenghts and their weaknesses- which often reac havoc in our life & relationships. If you both can set out to recognize where your weaknesses are, and to overcome them --shining in the strengths, I would say MUCH hope for the future & your marraige. 

You ask if you are TOO different ? I would say right now , besides your handling your money well, your given temperment weaknesses are strangling your relationship to a nice degree and neither of you "understand" the other because of the great divide. 

Scroll down to the middle of the page and read the traits of these temperments : Fig Hunter - Temperaments

There are many temperment books , I have this one - EASY to read, light hearted -can see yourself in all the examples Amazon.com: Why You Act the Way You Do (9780842382120): Tim LaHaye: Books

This book sounds even better : http://www.amazon.com/Personality-P...tanding-Yourself/dp/080075445X/ref=pd_sim_b_3 ...

*and this one is specifically for couples just like yourselves *>>>> http://www.amazon.com/Personality-Plus-Couples-Understanding-Yourself/dp/0800757645/ref=pd_sim_b_1


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## NamelessWife (Aug 8, 2011)

Last night I slept in the living room. I know this ticks him off even more but that's not why I did it. He was still upset yesterday and we were somewhat curt with each other. He didn't want to eat what I made, I didn't really try to make things better and just left things that way, so I kept my distance.

When we've had arguments before, more often than not, it doesn't take much for us to make up. He could just come to the room and look at me with puppy dog eyes and my heart just melts. There's been many times he would just come hug me and appologize if he had overreacted about something, we even both agree that he has these odd mood swings sometimes!
I'm no angel by any means. I'd like to think I'm patient, but part of me feels I'm getting older and my patience is the first to go. I nag...I know I do. When we have discussions or arguments, I end up talking way more than he does, not because I like the sound of my own voice, but because he just tends to shut down. I even ask him questions, try to understand his thought process, but he just sits there looking at me like I'm nuts. I ask him what he's thinking, he says nothing, I say 'just say what's on your mind', he says 'there's nothing to say'! So I guess I end up doing enough talking for both of us. And now the flip side is...we're not talking at all.

I hate to make it sound like it's all bad, but obviously I wouldn't have come here unless things went sour. When times are good, I suppose I wouldn't be here. I think we're both feeling like there have been things building up for both of us, and the same arguments are happening over and over again.

Thank you all for the replies, I'm so glad I'm getting feedback, it really helps me maintain some sanity in this mess. I will consider each and every idea or advice I get. And by the way SA thank you for your suggestions, I will take those tests and check out the books you suggested, and probably get my h to take them too when the storm calms.
Thanks again.

N.


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## Ticonderoga (Jul 21, 2011)

Might think about going to a MC. When I did it with my soon to be ex wife we found that I tend to shut down like your husband and my wife goes in the aggresive mode. That made us like oil and water at critical times. Both of our behaviors tied back to our bumpy childhoods and how we dealt with it as kids. Learning to communicate "correctly" is a key factor in any relationship. Sounds like it is something that might help you two to work on.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Nameless,
Do you wish to eventually have additional children?




NamelessWife said:


> Last night I slept in the living room. I know this ticks him off even more but that's not why I did it. He was still upset yesterday and we were somewhat curt with each other. He didn't want to eat what I made, I didn't really try to make things better and just left things that way, so I kept my distance.
> 
> When we've had arguments before, more often than not, it doesn't take much for us to make up. He could just come to the room and look at me with puppy dog eyes and my heart just melts. There's been many times he would just come hug me and appologize if he had overreacted about something, we even both agree that he has these odd mood swings sometimes!
> I'm no angel by any means. I'd like to think I'm patient, but part of me feels I'm getting older and my patience is the first to go. I nag...I know I do. When we have discussions or arguments, I end up talking way more than he does, not because I like the sound of my own voice, but because he just tends to shut down. I even ask him questions, try to understand his thought process, but he just sits there looking at me like I'm nuts. I ask him what he's thinking, he says nothing, I say 'just say what's on your mind', he says 'there's nothing to say'! So I guess I end up doing enough talking for both of us. And now the flip side is...we're not talking at all.
> ...


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

I think what MEM is referring to in not so many words is that your husband is being a child, and you are having to act like his mother. This is more than likely making you lose all respect and love and attraction for him. I mean, who gets married to end up being a mother to that little boy that just won't grow up.

Think about it.... He wants to shirk absolutely all responsibility for your lives onto you, while he plays his video games. Sure, there is living life lfor the moment, but only a fool will neglect planning for the future.....this is how 7 year olds act. 

I don't think you are wrong at all for protecting your boundaries. Otherwise you give him a pass, and things get worse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## saveamarriage101 (Jul 13, 2011)

Yes there is plenty of hope left in this relationship!

communication is key here. You need to start having control over yourself in the conversations. Whether that means stepping out if things get heated or other strategies that will work. You can't blow up, like you said, it will only make things worse. Once you two can finally have a conversation without yelling and abusing each other, it will be much easier to work on the other aspects of your marriage. I recommend getting self help books, or some sort of marriage resources to help you a long since he at the moment is unwilling to go to counseling.
Don't give up on this one yet, you seem to have lots of love in the relationship, but things were left unattended and gone to far.


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## NamelessWife (Aug 8, 2011)

Hi everyone, thank you all for the feedback, I'm so glad I found this forum!

I wanted to come back here and post an update since my last time. The day after my last post, he sent me a message from work appologizing and saying how much he missed me and that he will try hard to do better. Ofcourse as much as I was touched I felt like I needed to maintain focus and to make sure we address the real problem and not just the symptoms. I messaged back saying we needed to have a discussion about our problems and that I needed to know he's serious about making our relationship work, which he was willing to do.

So we sat down and were able to talk about things openly and I basically laid out my grievances and he did also. I think we were able to come to an understanding about what each of us needed and wanted, and I think he could understand better where I was coming from. The truth is, I wouldn't be bothered as much by the time he spends playing video games if he did it more in moderation and took care of other issues that are more critical such as his health and his finances. The key to our conversation was compromise so we basically talked, sometimes in detail about what needs to be done, and we negotiated! We wrote down lists of what we both need to do..and the most important thing is that he seemed to understand that he needs to do these things for him and not for me...and he agrees with me in that respect. 

Things are going better now, but I am aware that marriage is work and definitely needs a healthy dose of patience. We do love each other very much and as long as we have that foundation then putting in the extra effort is worth it. Thanks everyone for all the input, at least now I have a place to go to when I need some insight.

N


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