# This makes no sense to me.



## RandomGuy155 (Jan 30, 2012)

My wife left me over the weekend--moved in with the kids to her mom's house. No one cheated (I think), she's just unhappy at lost intimacy and she doesn't "love me" anymore. But she's still really unhappy. She's still not eating, she doesn't sleep well, but after reading through these forums it seems like most of the people who leave their spouses are happy and liberated. But she's still obviously miserable.

I don't think she misses me, because she doesn't want to get therapy or work on OUR relationship in any way. But why is she still so miserable?:scratchhead:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It's not true that most people who leave their spouses feel happy/liberated. The one who leaves also grieves. That is why she is miserable. Because any marital loss causes major grief for both parties. It's the loss of a serious relationship, hopes and dreams.

However.......the bottom line is she chose to opt out and has told you she doesn't want counselling or to work on the relationship so that means she is done.

Accept it and move on with your life.

Call up old friends, get a new hobby, exercise, retain an attorney if you haven't done so. Buy a new shirt and cologne.


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## Ms_Limbo (Feb 2, 2012)

Maybe she is grieving the loss of how things once were. It may take her some time to accept and feel better about her life. When she gets to that point, she may also realize that being without you is not what she wants. I would suggest maybe seeing if she would like to go out on a date sometime... right now might be too soon though. Spend time with the kids, I'm assuming they are fairly young. Try to work on you through this time of separation.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

> My wife left me over the weekend--moved in with the kids to her mom's house. No one cheated (I think), she's just unhappy at lost intimacy and she doesn't "love me" anymore. But she's still really unhappy. She's still not eating, she doesn't sleep well, but after reading through these forums it seems like most of the people who leave their spouses are happy and liberated. But she's still obviously miserable.
> 
> I don't think she misses me, because she doesn't want to get therapy or work on OUR relationship in any way. But why is she still so miserable?


Could be guilt. In my case, that's the only reason my wife is grieving - seeing my hurt and the pain it's caused our families. At least is what she says. Could this also apply to yours?

Could be she is unhappy herself. My sbtxw says she doesn't love or like herself, and maybe that's a factor in her wanting to leave... if she's unhappy with herself, how can she be happy with me right? Think this applies to yours?


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## RandomGuy155 (Jan 30, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> However.......the bottom line is she chose to opt out and has told you she doesn't want counselling or to work on the relationship so that means she is done.
> 
> Accept it and move on with your life.


I've just learned that she says she's not ready for couple's counseling, but she'll continue to see our counselor in one-on-one sessions. She says she's dealing with a lot of anger, and needs time to think. Your instincts to expect the worst seem pretty good to me, but she just left over the weekend. Isn't lawyering up right now a little premature?


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## RandomGuy155 (Jan 30, 2012)

Ms_Limbo said:


> Maybe she is grieving the loss of how things once were. It may take her some time to accept and feel better about her life. When she gets to that point, she may also realize that being without you is not what she wants. I would suggest maybe seeing if she would like to go out on a date sometime... right now might be too soon though. Spend time with the kids, I'm assuming they are fairly young. Try to work on you through this time of separation.


I'd say so. She feels terrible about herself, her life. I didn't help enough. But I like your advice, and plan to follow it. Thanks.


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## RandomGuy155 (Jan 30, 2012)

canguy66 said:


> Could be guilt. In my case, that's the only reason my wife is grieving - seeing my hurt and the pain it's caused our families. At least is what she says. Could this also apply to yours?
> 
> Could be she is unhappy herself. My sbtxw says she doesn't love or like herself, and maybe that's a factor in her wanting to leave... if she's unhappy with herself, how can she be happy with me right? Think this applies to yours?


Thanks for taking the time to reply to this--I've seen that you're going through hard times yourself. She does feel guilty, and yes, she's unhappy with herself. But she's also very angry with me. She's really focusing on what I've done to make our relationship fail. That's all we've ever focused on. Until I saw a counselor and talked to some family/friends, I thought any problem we've ever had was my fault.

Thing is, she seems to be let down by everyone in her life. Parents, siblings, old boyfriends, friends, people at church...she seems to feel wronged by everyone that doesn't agree with her. That sounds worse than I intended--she has been mistreated or neglected by many, including myself. But some of it is a self-fulfilling prophecy. I can't tell her that, though, because she'd be furious, and I know it would just drive her away.

I don't know. I think her best chance at happiness lies with me. I know her, and I love her in spite of her flaws. I spent a long time putting myself down for things that weren't my fault, and at the same time ignoring things that actually WERE my fault. I feel wiser now--better equipped to make her feel appreciated and loved. Hoping for an opportunity to show her that, for our sake and the kids'.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Do you know anything about her childhood?


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## RandomGuy155 (Jan 30, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Do you know anything about her childhood?


Yeah, I know a lot about her childhood. It wasn't that good. Divorce, bit of a harsh stepfather, and her real father had some serious emotional issues.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

RandomGuy155 said:


> Yeah, I know a lot about her childhood. It wasn't that good. Divorce, bit of a harsh stepfather, and her real father had some serious emotional issues.


Random,

So, you're looking for the magic button that's going to make her see the light? I would imagine you'd talked til you're blue in the face, but it just doesn't seem to sink in.

Would you be willing to accept the idea that her childhood issues actually have "broken" her emotionally? So, no matter what sort of quality input or questions you ask, nothing will change - absolutely nothing - until she desires it.

She's letting you know. She's not willing to work on it.

What if I told you she's secretly angry with you? You are the stand-in for the people she's "really" angry with - those that abused her so long ago.

She sees every request she grants you as you (the person she's angry with) "winning" and her "losing". How do you think logical appeals to reason come across in this environment?

I'd be willing to bet if you two have really "gotten into" an argument (where you lose your temper), she would actually show satisfaction and delight - perhaps a mocking smile - as you lose your cool. That's how people respond when those they despise are in distress.

Think about this... you've spent all this time trying to "fix" and find the "right formula" for her. How's that workin' for ya?


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## RandomGuy155 (Jan 30, 2012)

Conrad,

I don't bring up her childhood, ever. I don't bring up her problems. When we talk about problems, we talk about mine. I don't try to fix her--my chief failure was neglecting to fix myself (that is, legitimate shortcomings) while also taking false blame for nearly everything. 

I also very, very rarely lose my temper with her. Because on the few times I have, it's really hurt her.

Everything else you said? I think you may be exactly correct. The worst thing you may be right about is this: She may very well despise me. I don't know if a woman can come back from that. Can they?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

RandomGuy155 said:


> Conrad,
> 
> I don't bring up her childhood, ever. I don't bring up her problems. When we talk about problems, we talk about mine. I don't try to fix her--my chief failure was neglecting to fix myself (that is, legitimate shortcomings) while also taking false blame for nearly everything.
> 
> ...


If they want to work on themselves, they can.

But, there is nothing you can do to fix it.

Only she can.

Trying "not to offend her" is a losing battle until she wants to reconcile her anger.

As guys, we so want to fix things. We can't love it out of them. We can't bang it out of them. We can be patient as a saint. But, until the DAY they decide they've had enough of themselves..... it won't make a whit of difference.

And, you have no control over whether that day ever comes.

Neither do I.


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## RandomGuy155 (Jan 30, 2012)

Well, if there's nothing I can do to fix it, I won't bother trying. Sounds less exhausting anyway. 

I so want to, though. She said she'd see a counselor by herself and I was almost like, "LET ME SET UP THE APPOINTMENT FOR YOU!!! {pants heavily}" Luckily I played it cool. 

I'll just try to make myself and the house more attractive. Thanks.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I feel for you. Some people just become unhappy and their spouses are in the direct line of blame. If they are not introspective, they will need to point the problem somewhere else. The number one thing I learned for a year now is that if the one doing all the blaming can not look within, there is no hope.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

RandomGuy, I know that you mentioned you don't "think" there is an affair, however do not be surprised at all of this is why she is so miserable. Your W is doing all the same mine was and for her she was miserable all the time, except of course when she escaped her real life and went after her fantasy life. Her affairs and young single friends made her feel good and so she followed those feelings, which were so powerful to her that she couldn't even come up with feelings of remorse or shame. I could sense a lot of guilt there too, and while she put on a very convincing, possibly genuine appearance of happiness, I gather from what sources I could she was really struggling with her emotions (though I don't know if it was for her decision to leave or just facing life single an independent)

It may not affect whether or not your relationship can be saved, but there are red flags here and the one that matters most to you is the blameshifting and rewriting marital history. She is doling out the criticism of you, what you have done and haven't done to make her feel so unhappy and you are accepting all that criticism. You are also in a fog right now, and trying to get your bearings, but know this - you genuinely care about her and the marriage otherwise you wouldn't be on this site seeking advice. Nobody expects you to be perfect but you seem willing to acknowledge your mistakes and make an effort to make your marriage better, even if you have not been successful. Know that if she is checked out she probably has been for some time and therefore a lot of the blame for marital issues you are putting on yourself may actually stem from HER unwillingness to work on things.

Don't let her turn the tables on you. If she has problems with the way you dealt with things, they are no longer your problems and she forfeited the right to blame you any longer when she left.


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