# LD/ND wife - question



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

As some of you know, my wife (and partner of almost 6 years now) is LD and doesn't initiate. When I initiate it's about a 50/50 success rate, which I've learned isn't really that dependant on HOW I go about it. When we do have sex, which amounts to 2-4 times a month, it's always at least good, and usually great. She has no inhibitions in bed, has no problem orgasming multiple times, multiple ways, and actively participates.

My wife has had a fair amount of experience before me. Best guess, 25-30 partners, about 2/3rds casual/ONS/non-LTR, with the other 1/3 being in actual relationships ranging from a few months to a few years.

My two-part question is for those of you (women AND men, if you're reading) who are LD/ND. Non-LD/ND people can also chime in if you have any ideas.

- how common (or uncommon) is it for an LD person to have had this much experience?

- how is it possible that someone can enjoy sex so much and have no real "issues" with it, yet still have little to no desire?

Granted, sex is not always about sex. My wife recognizes that there were times in her life when she did not want to be alone, or otherwise used sex as a means to abate her loneliness/inflate her sense of self worth. Generally speaking, she has readily stated that she has never thought of sex the way us normal/HD people do. She never masturbated until a few years ago when she/we bought some sex toys, and she hasn't used them by herself in well over a year now.

She's not shy and has no real hangups (at least in the bedroom. But maybe before). She often will take charge in the bedroom, she's vocal, talks dirty, is loud, etc. She's open to anything and everything (within reason), can O from just about anything. Honestly, it's the type of sex that most people would kill for and fantasize about, but I find that it's hard to enjoy it to it's fullest when it's a song-and-dance to get her there. Poor me, I know...

So, are there other LD partners out there who actually enjoy sex that much? And are there other LD partners out there who have had that much experience, but have always felt the same attitude towards sex? Or is my wife the only LD sex goddess on the planet?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Just a thought: with the past partners, they may have been one-offs (one night stands or just a few rolls in the hay) so they wouldn't be comparable to a long-term relationship sex. Meaning, she was probably LD then, too, it's just those were shorter-ranged "relationships/trysts."


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Jellybeans said:


> Just a thought: with the past partners, they may have been one-offs (one night stands or just a few rolls in the hay) so they wouldn't be comparable to a long-term relationship sex. Meaning, she was probably LD then, too, it's just those were shorter-ranged "relationships/trysts."


Yes, they absolutely were, and she admits it. She says, and I believe her, that it was never about "sex", rather it was about self esteem, loneliness, coupling, etc.

She says she's always been this way, and I do believe her.

Her last partner before me lasted about 3 years, and according to her, he was nothing to write home about in bed. Lucky if it lasted 5 minutes, the whole thing start to finish. Lucky if she managed to have even one O out of it. A true "one and done, then roll over and snore" kind of guy. But she stayed with him that long and didn't complain about it, because it wasn't important to her. She didn't care, literally, if it was good sex, bad sex, or no sex.

That's partially what I'm trying to figure out here with LD spouses, particularly those with decent experience and/or who are capable of having good sex. I think the vast majority of LD spouses aren't capable of having good sex, and/or have a "get it over with" mentality. Mine does not, at all. Once we get going, it's minimum 20 minutes and results in her having 3, 4, 5 O's, squirting, a lot of noise, sometimes anal (which she O's from), you name it. She'll even occasionally finish me off in her mouth, or even on her chest. She's not shy. Honestly, she can get d-I-r-t-y, which is not at all what you would expect from somebody who has readily admitted she could live the rest of her life without sex.

Mine says she's never had sex with anyone like what she has with me - and I'm talking purely about the sex, love aside.

Why (or how) is fantastic sex not enough to have her desire it?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I have sex with my husband but lack the *desire* too.


noun: desire; plural noun: desires
1. 
a strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen.
"a desire to work in the dirt with your bare hands"

synonyms: wish, want, aspiration, fancy, inclination, impulse; More
yearning, longing, craving, hankering, hunger; 
eagerness, enthusiasm, determination; 

•strong sexual feeling or appetite.
"they were clinging together in fierce mutual desire"

synonyms: lust, sexual attraction, passion, sensuality, sexuality; More
lasciviousness, lechery, salaciousness, libidinousness; 

verb: desire; 3rd person present: desires; past tense: desired; past participle: desired; gerund or present participle: desiring
1. 
strongly wish for or want (something).
"he never achieved the status he so desired"

synonyms: want, wish for, long for, yearn for, crave, hanker after, be desperate for, be bent on, covet, aspire to; More 

Look at some of the synonyms: "crave" "yearn for" if your wife is like me, we lack "the desire" for sex. There is nothing wrong with us. People think there is & try to "fix" us. There is no magic pill.

I get that it sucks for you. But you can't "fix" her.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Emerald said:


> Look at some of the synonyms: "crave" "yearn for" if your wife is like me, we lack "the desire" for sex. There is nothing wrong with us. People think there is & try to "fix" us. There is no magic pill.
> 
> I get that it sucks for you. But you can't "fix" her.


I'm not really trying to 

Honestly, I can't complain about anything other than the lack of desire towards me and the frequency.

What I am trying to figure out, is those of you who don't have that desire, yet are still capable of having GOOD sex, sex that is satisfying not just for your partner, but to YOU as well - what gives? My wife clearly, and admittedly, thoroughly enjoys sex with me, when it happens, yet doesn't have any desire to do it again.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

alexm said:


> Honestly, I can't complain about anything other than the lack of desire towards me and the frequency.
> 
> What I am trying to figure out, is those of you who don't have that desire, yet are still capable of having GOOD sex, sex that is satisfying not just for your partner, but to YOU as well - what gives? My wife clearly, and admittedly, thoroughly enjoys sex with me, when it happens, yet doesn't have any desire to do it again.


It's a conundrum, isn't it? Yet, it seems to be a common situation. I know many couples where the wife really enjoys sex, but it never occurs to her to initiate. She will always respond, but it may take a little seduction. One couple in particular has sex twice a day and love it, but he _always_ has to initiate or make a little effort to distract her from her book and engage. It has been that way for 30 years with them.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Alex...it is pretty common, what you are describing. Some men are this way, too. Sex for some people is like just a "fun activity" but doesn't hold much more meaning or value to them and they could just as easily go without, yet when partnered they may have a lot of sex.

I have a gf who has never had an orgasm, but who has had more partners than most people because she has sex for reasons other than orgasm. She basically does it for affection. She says that she always gives a good performance and she really does enjoy it, she just doesn't enjoy it sexually...she enjoys it emotionally. She doesn't connect very easily and the same is true in sex for her, but it is about as close as she can get.

If you knew her history, you'd think she was a happy sl*t. In reality, she could take or leave the sex itself.

Anyway she is just one example.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

alexm said:


> I'm not really trying to
> 
> Honestly, I can't complain about anything other than the lack of desire towards me and the frequency.
> 
> What I am trying to figure out, is those of you who don't have that desire, yet are still capable of having GOOD sex, sex that is satisfying not just for your partner, but to YOU as well - what gives? My wife clearly, and admittedly, thoroughly enjoys sex with me, when it happens, yet doesn't have any desire to do it again.


My husband doesn't understand it either.

I don't expect him to.

People with HD think others should be like them - normal. LD/ND is considered abnormal in society & is stigmatized. You can visit a website called Aven if you want to educate yourself to help understand your wife better.

I also have good sex with my husband and will initiate because I know it pleases him, however my lack of "desire" is such a big problem for him that he mostly doesn't want to bother. This is our second marriage & we are much older than you. I was completely honest prior to marriage about my lack of sexual desire. He is very LD so thought it wouldn't be a problem but it is.


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

alexm said:


> Yes, they absolutely were, and she admits it. She says, and I believe her, that it was never about "sex", rather it was about self esteem, loneliness, coupling, etc.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Question: are you laying the foundation before the deed itself? 

Personally I don't think women are programmed to aggressively initiate. Yeah, once in awhile they might tease or whatever but by nature they are "pursued"

Are you in good shape? Is your house in order? Do you lead your marriage?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

U.E. McGill said:


> Question: are you laying the foundation before the deed itself?
> 
> Personally I don't think women are programmed to aggressively initiate. Yeah, once in awhile they might tease or whatever but by nature they are "pursued"
> 
> Are you in good shape? Is your house in order? Do you lead your marriage?


My husband is 6'2, 185 & looks like a young Richard Gere. Our home is in order. He gets hit on by women all of the time. My former husband is an ex college football player. Both of these men are strong leaders. Plenty alpha yet my sexual desire just isn't there. I used to think there was something wrong with me until I researched the issue. Doctors & counselors couldn't fix me because there was nothing to fix.

I am hoping to help the OP by explaining that plenty of us roam the earth w/o sexual desire. This board is littered with us.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon Alexm
Is there any chance of a medical / birth control / hormone issue?

It is true that not everyone has a high desire for sex, but from your description she has wanted a lot of sex in the past and enjoys it now when it happens, so maybe something has changed.

Are you able to talk to her about it. Does she understand why she enjoys sex, but doesn't want it often? 

You have my sympathy - mismatched desires is a miserable situation.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I wrote a blog post about this issue, for whatever it is worth to you Alex (or other readers):

I Married a Sex God: How Sexual Are You?

Because in long term relationships, it matters how sexual you are and how sexual your spouse is.


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

Emerald said:


> My husband is 6'2, 185 & looks like a young Richard Gere. Our home is in order. He gets hit on by women all of the time. My former husband is an ex college football player. Both of these men are strong leaders. Plenty alpha yet my sexual desire just isn't there. I used to think there was something wrong with me until I researched the issue. Doctors & counselors couldn't fix me because there was nothing to fix.
> 
> 
> 
> I am hoping to help the OP by explaining that plenty of us roam the earth w/o sexual desire. This board is littered with us.



I don't doubt it. But we also have established there's plenty of LD spouses until the OM/OW comes along and turns them into a porn star.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

They may turn into a porn star for a brief period, due to the newness, but I'm not so sure that lasts very long.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Hey guys, I appreciate all of your comments, I really do.

However, I am not looking for answers on how to change her. I accept her for how she is - I am just looking to hopefully hear from others like her.

The vast majority of people here with LD spouses do not seem to engage in good sex. I am not one of them. My wife IS a porn star - but only 2 or 3 times a month  What she lacks in quantity is more than made up for by quality.

Again, if you're LD but DO enjoy sex when you have it, or have a spouse who is LD but is an animal in bed, I'd love to hear about it. I just find it interesting, as it doesn't seem all that common!


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

U.E. McGill said:


> I don't doubt it. But we also have established there's plenty of LD spouses until the OM/OW comes along and turns them into a porn star.


Yep, but that's an attraction issue. I know, I was married to that. Once she figured out that I didn't do it for her, she suddenly turned LD, only I didn't know that term back then. Coming here, it makes sense now.

With my current wife, that's not the case. She's had much more experience than my ex wife did, and she's never had that desire for sex. I'm able to do things to her that she's never experienced before, yet she still can't find the desire - until it's happening.

My ex wife, just like your examples, are not truly LD. They're just not into their partners.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Emerald wrote, "I have sex with my husband but lack the *desire* too." I think in a good marriage these things merge. You are happy because the other person is happy, you do many things because they are happy. 

In bad marriages and divorces, you see the phenomenon of pervasive self-centeredness. Marriage involves sacrifices on both sides and if you aren't ready to do that, don't get married. If your wife likes to see her parents on Sundays and it makes her happy, it makes you happy do and if everyone fusses about how good grandma's meatloaf is, you join in too. 

I know a few men who have been divorced and developd their own habits, and way of doing things. While some women see them as available, I recommend against serious relationships with this type of man. They may be good or nice people, but not marriage material. If a wife doesn't get a sense of happiness just by seeing her husband happy that's a problem. 

My wife likes to go out with her girlfriends on a Wednesday night. Since she likes to drink, I usually drop her off and pick her up. I'm happy that she's happy and gets to relax though driving itself is not going to be some big turn-on for me and if it weren't for her being happy, I wouldn't be driving at 10 or 11 at night on a weeknight. 
(and no there's not after the party fun, she's tired, I drive because it gives her an opportunity to enjoy herself, no strings attached).


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

Alex,
I think I understand your confusion. I have wondered the same thing. My wife seems to really enjoy sex when we have it. She has screamed so loud that I thought the neighbors would call the cops and her body has shaken so hard from orgasmic contractions that I thought she was having a seizure and was going to pass out. You would think that someone that experiences that much pleasure and is "into it" as much as that would jump at the chance to do it again, even if it was just for the physical enjoyment and had nothing to do with and emotional connection. But on many occasions when I try to initiate again a few days after a rock star sex session, I'm met with more of an indifferent attitude. Kind of a "take it or leave it" mentality. :scratchhead:


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

alexm said:


> With my current wife, that's not the case. She's had much more experience than my ex wife did, and she's never had that desire for sex. I'm able to do things to her that she's never experienced before, yet she still can't find the desire - until it's happening.


My guess is that you can't understand the disconnect between the great time she has with you when having sex and the statements that she does not want sex.

In most activities, when a person has a great time with something, their natural reaction is to talk about doing it again. If I go to a restaurant, and have a phenomenal meal, I will most often mention going back. But if I talk about what a great dining experience it was, and then when asked, tell a person I don't care if I ever go back, most of us would naturally assume there was something wrong with the experience.

So it is not surprising that Alex has a difficult time reconciling his wife's seemingly contradictory positions (or at least contradictory in view of most other experiences). Not to say that his wife is wrong, or broken or anything, but merely that her actions and words don't fit into what folks are accustom to seeing in the world.


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## EntirelyDifferent (Nov 30, 2012)

alexm said:


> I'm not really trying to
> 
> Honestly, I can't complain about anything other than the lack of desire towards me and the frequency.
> 
> What I am trying to figure out, is those of you who don't have that desire, yet are still capable of having GOOD sex, sex that is satisfying not just for your partner, but to YOU as well - what gives? My wife clearly, and admittedly, thoroughly enjoys sex with me, when it happens, yet doesn't have any desire to do it again.



I'm asexual with such a low drive, I'm probably considered ND.
In spite of that, my (HD) SO and I have a fairly healthy sex life... usually around several times a week. And the sex is amazing - I can usually O several times and it feels great. 

But I still don't ever desire it. I'm even (get ready for this one!) still not into orgasms. 

I can't explain why, beyond that it's just not my thing, and it never will be. Yes, I enjoy it when we have it, but if it vanished tomorrow, I wouldn't miss it in the slightest and wouldn't seek it out. I do it now (and work really hard to initiate it as much as I can) because I understand my SO needs that connection with me, but that's not a need I ever expect to share with him. I'm just wired differently.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

EntirelyDifferent said:


> I'm asexual with such a low drive, I'm probably considered ND.
> In spite of that, my (HD) SO and I have a fairly healthy sex life... usually around several times a week. And the sex is amazing - I can usually O several times and it feels great.
> 
> But I still don't ever desire it. I'm even (get ready for this one!) still not into orgasms.
> ...



I'm exactly the same way....it's like trying to explain why my eyes are blue. They just are that way.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

E,
It really helps when the HD partner can read you really well. Sounds like your H does that. 

As for you, your commitment level is remarkably high. 

You are both lucky. 



QUOTE=EntirelyDifferent;9655322]I'm asexual with such a low drive, I'm probably considered ND.
In spite of that, my (HD) SO and I have a fairly healthy sex life... usually around several times a week. And the sex is amazing - I can usually O several times and it feels great. 

But I still don't ever desire it. I'm even (get ready for this one!) still not into orgasms. 

I can't explain why, beyond that it's just not my thing, and it never will be. Yes, I enjoy it when we have it, but if it vanished tomorrow, I wouldn't miss it in the slightest and wouldn't seek it out. I do it now (and work really hard to initiate it as much as I can) because I understand my SO needs that connection with me, but that's not a need I ever expect to share with him. I'm just wired differently.[/QUOTE]


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