# Fighting for My Marriage, with an affair Taken Place



## johnathen (May 4, 2016)

Hey, guys New to these forums, and I really need help.

On the 24th, Me and my wife will be married for 6 years and a beautiful 5 year old daughter. 2 months ago she told me, she loves me, but not in love with me. I found out about the affair about a few weeks later.

The day she told me she wasn't in love with me, we had a huge argument about Sex, she said she might be asexual or have a very low sex drive. At the time I had huge insecurities and thought that it was me, that I wasn't good looking enough, or not being the man I should be. So even though she told me the issue, I still felt as If the lack of sex was because of me.

Fast forward, so she has two girlfriends, one being a single mom with a man who left her, and the second being gay. The girl who likes other women is the one she thinks she might be in love with. After lies and lies and more lies, I found out that she was going to her house over the weekends. Spending every second she could with her, and I know 100% The girl is in love with her. So when I first found out, I did all the wrong things crazy texts begging, buying gifts everything to try to get her back, and It pushed her further away.

Weeks later I started to work on myself, now I run 5 days a week and also workout regularly. I lost 30 pounds and my body is actually improving 10 folds. I stop smoking and spending more time with my daughter, I stop doing childish things like texting her or even bringing up our relationship. Now I have almost moved on and It started to attract her back my way. We have been having great conversations and she has started coming back home after work sooner than previous weeks, But I know for sure the affair is still going on. 

So recently I found out about the 180 system, but scared that If I put everything in place, that I would push her away. We still sleep in the same bed and eat dinner together, but even though we are spending much more time together, the girl is still pushing for her to stay with her sending her messages, pictures and cards showing her how much she still cares. 

Currently our lease will be up in 30 days and even though we haven't talked about It, the plan is to divorce. She still have the papers but haven't acted yet. I know our personal Relationship is better but even thought I believe shes attempting to end the affair, if I completely stop the communication, and spend less time at home, the 180 system might backfire, and all of the improvements I have made will vanish. She has no positive people in her life that would try to keep the marriage going, she doesn't talk to her mom that actually had the same issues we are having now, only the single girl who thinks she should end it, and The Lover who wants her to leave as well. My question Is, should I commit to the 180, tell her to end it now or else, or should I just let It play out and have faith. Every time I separate myself from her she comes closer, and because of the love I have for her I feel as If I get sucked back in.

Monday, she finally opens up to me and brings up our first argument. I told her that she means so much more than sex, that If we never had sex again I would still love her. I told her yes I want more children later down the road, she does as well, but If we only had sex once a year that doesn't matter to me. She responded very well to that, and I think she told the girl that shes done, but i think she lured her back again.

I have no plan right now, and need some advice. Sorry this is so messy, I'm using a cheap phone.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

The 180 is for you and not for her. Agreeing to be in an asexual relationship is also a bad choice for your marriage, because at some point you'll realize that she isn't asexual she just doesn't want to have sex with you. Spend some time thinking about what you want in a partner and then think about whether she is meeting those needs. I'm guessing that lying, cheating, and not having sex aren't big priorities on your list of relationship wants. If you want your relationship with her to work you have to understand that right now it is completely out of your hands because relationships only work when both people want and commit to them. Not ending the affair even with an imminent divorce on the horizon is not a good indicator of her commitment. My advice to you is to proceed with the divorce because when you look yourself in the mirror you'll at least know you handled the relationship like a man and didn't get bulldozed by her. If she changes her ways and takes initiative to show she's sincere and remorseful (she voluntarily cuts contact, she initiates IC and MC, she does everything in her power to keep you) then you can always stop the divorce and see if she is now meeting your relationship needs enough that you want to keep her.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

You WERE doing the right things up until you said if you just had sex once a year you'll be happy if she comes back. And her agreeing to that is just awful. Pretty much means ok, let's just have sex once a year and I'll get my needs met with OW. 🤔

No, no, no...that's not a healthy marriage. 

Stop talking about how much you love her. You may very well love her, but you're playing into her frame. 

Results from an affair whether it's a man or woman is NO CONTACT. Block numbers. No texting or calling from this OW. 

Plain and simple, they will take it underground.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tortdog (May 2, 2016)

Agreed. You were doing it right until you started to cave. 

People have different needs but sexual intimacy is about more than an orgasm and you each are cheating yourselves if you ignore that. 

You should know what kind of relationship is healthy and necessary and be clear on that. You should let her know that you want her in that relationship, and want to have a healthy family as a result. I would point out that you want this as it is in the best interests of the children, as well as what is necessary for a healthy long term relationship. 

If she is a go, then great! Welcome back. I would even be willing to help her move forward even if she lapses. But ultimately she needs to determine if she is going to be committed and happy and if so, let's go and no look backs. 

If she doesn't want that then you need to move on.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Your problem is that you are acting like you're ready to end it but you really aren't.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Have you exposed?


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## johnathen (May 4, 2016)

The reason why I said once a year, was because I know that I wasn't meeting her emotional needs, for about 2 years I pushed her away because of the lack of trust I had. We grew separate, was my own insecurities that caused the distance between us. However I don't think what shes doing it right, nor do I condone it. But I thought if the affair stopped eventually, that we could work on our non sexual connection, because she doesn't mean so much more than sex. But should I just let her know to fill out the divorce papers now and just move on and see her reaction, or just wait till the 30th when we both move out?


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## johnathen (May 4, 2016)

As far as exposing her, her parents know about It, they have met the girl, they think she will come out of it on her own. Our family circle is pretty small, and yes everyone that we have daily contact with knows about it, but nobody has really said anything to her about it. They feel as it isn't there place.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

She's cheating on you and you need to get a divorce. 

It's that simple.

Anything else is just background noise.


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## johnathen (May 4, 2016)

Ty for the responses, I know what I need to do.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

You weren't meeting her emotional needs so she goes and finds it from a woman, and switched teams on you to boot. 

Whatever happened to a candid convo with you before having an affair with a woman?

An affair is solely on the person commiting the affair. To blame you is "cheaters script". 
And for you to accept its your fault is what she wants.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## johnathen (May 4, 2016)

Yes at first I completly blamed myself. But now I do accept my part In the failed marriage. This Is What I just send to her. I think I made my point.


These last few months helped my relationship with God, my mother and career. Spending time with u when your happy has been great.When we are alone just you and me I feel as if the fogg disappears and it feels so so good. Everything else is nonexistent. It took me awhile to figure out how to be a great husband/Father/Family Member and personally. I feel as if its only up from here for myself. I care deeply about you, and what i said monday was from my heart. Everything was. If u just put the same energy the love and compassion in our marriage with us putting God first i know It would work. To one day having the pregnancy u desire, our careers and our family. But as much as I care for you, I cannot bury whats going on. So you have a choice to make we both know what it is. If u choose the path you are going on then bring the divorce papers in and we can start it. I think im ready to start something great with you or without you Devin. I thought i would just let it play out and do me, but im tired of it.

Hope that was good. I ment every word of It.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Weak.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

johnathen said:


> The reason why I said once a year, was because I know that I wasn't meeting her emotional needs


Huh.... and what needs did she met by cheating on YOU? Are you fighting for this marriage or surrendering? Sounds like the latter....

What concessions is SHE willing be make besides stopping behavior she NEVER should of been engaged in, in the first place?

Most men want to run from a sexless marriage and you're ready to embrace one all for the privilege of being with a POS cheater?

Dump her and get some counseling. Describing your mentality as pitiful is being kind. You need to get some self respect dude.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Your kicking a$$ getting in shape working on your self . now kick her to the curb and move on. 

If your in an fault state prove she lesbian and annull your marriage. I know in my state if you prove their gay then they get much less. On alimony etc. But you got to have hard evidence.

Either way do you still want her? I wouldn't!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

johnathen said:


> Hey, guys New to these forums, and I really need help.
> 
> On the 24th, Me and my wife will be married for 6 years and a beautiful 5 year old daughter. 2 months ago she told me, she loves me, but not in love with me. I found out about the affair about a few weeks later.
> 
> ...


My advice:

Ditch your lesbian, cheating, lying wife who does not love you and NEVER will. It's not you, it's her. See that, see reality, and divorce. You saying all that bs about not needing sex is a damn lie and you know it. Get over her. It will take time. It will hurt.
What you're doing is extending the pain indefinitely.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

There is a very strong possibility she is seeking to use you as a beard. Has she been honest about her who she is.


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## Tortdog (May 2, 2016)

I think they are right. It was weak and she doesn't seem to really care about you.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

So, what you're saying, OP, is that you're willing to stay married to a woman that isn't in love with you, isn't sexually attracted to you, and who has committed adultery and seems quite willing to continue committing adultery. 

Why? 

You can be your wife's platonic friend without continuing to participate in a sham marriage.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Jon,

Sorry, but as others have told you, you have played the "pick me game' to perfection with the predictable results.

But your situation is at least clear. You have two obvious choices since you are not guessing on what she is doing.

(1) accept that you will live in an open marraige, and by the way if you choose this option there is no guarantee she will not find a man she is also attracted to

(2) file for divorce and get your life together.

Should you choose option 2 there are folks here who can help you and support you.

if you choose option 1 I suggest you find a polyamory forum where folks can advice you on how to 'live' and enjoy the new relationship.

only you can make that decision.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

johnathen said:


> Hey, guys New to these forums, and I really need help.
> 
> On the 24th, Me and my wife will be married for 6 years and a beautiful 5 year old daughter. 2 months ago she told me, she loves me, but not in love with me. I found out about the affair about a few weeks later.
> 
> ...


Desperation is no way to begin a reconciliation.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

johnathen said:


> Yes at first I completly blamed myself. But now I do accept my part In the failed marriage. This Is What I just send to her. I think I made my point.
> 
> 
> These last few months helped my relationship with God, my mother and career. Spending time with u when your happy has been great.When we are alone just you and me I feel as if the fogg disappears and it feels so so good. Everything else is nonexistent. It took me awhile to figure out how to be a great husband/Father/Family Member and personally. I feel as if its only up from here for myself. I care deeply about you, and what i said monday was from my heart. Everything was. If u just put the same energy the love and compassion in our marriage with us putting God first i know It would work. To one day having the pregnancy u desire, our careers and our family. But as much as I care for you, I cannot bury whats going on. So you have a choice to make we both know what it is. If u choose the path you are going on then bring the divorce papers in and we can start it. I think im ready to start something great with you or without you Devin. I thought i would just let it play out and do me, but im tired of it.
> ...


Talk less, do more.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

She's gone. They don't come back. Sorry. 180 time.


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## drleo1 (Jan 22, 2016)

just let It play out and have faith


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## johnathen (May 4, 2016)

Thanks guys, I told her that I'm done, then right after she sits with me and ends the relationship. I don't really believe It. IDN. I have always believed that regardless of what happens u can get through anything stay married, and It has made me weak. I'm thinking about going to IC and get my life together. Just hurts so much. I thank you guys for the truth, I didn't want to listen at first, but I think I know what I need to do now. Thanks allot for the quick responses. I really appreciate It.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

johnathen said:


> Thanks guys, I told her that I'm done, then right after she sits with me and ends the relationship. I don't really believe It. IDN. I have always believed that regardless of what happens u can get through anything stay married, and It has made me weak. I'm thinking about going to IC and get my life together. Just hurts so much. I thank you guys for the truth, I didn't want to listen at first, but I think I know what I need to do now. Thanks allot for the quick responses. I really appreciate It.


Things do get brighter! Keep on posting and venting here. It helps.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Yes, It hurts. IT's crushing. You don't know what is going to happen to you. You are helpless-- the worst feeling of all, I think.

Let me tell you from my heart that the following will be true, and a few things that will likely be true:

1) after acceptance that she's gone occurs, you will start feeling much better at a faster rate. Acceptance will take a while, and the time it takes is directly proportional to how strong of a person you are.

2) You CAN find a new person to love you. It's ALL up to you. If you go out and go after what you want, you will get it. People gravitate toward others who are driven to succeed at whatever they do. Even if it's walking the dog and doing a damn good job of it.

3) Your wife sounds like someone that you will wonder why you were even with her so long, once she's gone and you meet a decent person who cares about you and treats you like they care.

4) Your life and happiness is most surely NOT OVER. The only REAL difference is that YOU are free to make a better life for you without this person holding you back. Remember that. Now you will be all about YOU. And YOU can make yourself happy, if anybody can.

There will be some stages of grief that you'll go through. Please don't think you're all alone. At the very least, get on here and vent. PM some of us if you like. We've been through this s*&^ and don't want anyone to be alone in all this pain. We know how much it hurts.

Your self esteem is likely shattered. You are depressed and see nothing positive in life. That will change and you most assuredly will get through this. We have. And yes, we loved our spouse's as well. But the longer you are away from D Day and acceptance, the less pain it will cause you.

I promise that it's at least very likely that you end up far happier. How could you not be happier with a woman that loves YOU????? There's not one out there that will. There's a LOT of women that are dying for a man to love of their very own. Find her when you're ready.
So sorry and good luck. Divorce is the right thing to do in this case. You know that already.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

File for divorce, don't wait for her to take actions. Get a lawyer, separate your finances from her. 

Move on, she is not in love with you like a wife should be. she wants women, not you.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Dude, just divorce the cheating skank. 

I divorced my wife and was having awesome sex weeks later with other women. Just keep working out and eating healthy. Move on!


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

johnathen said:


> Thanks guys, I told her that I'm done, then right after she sits with me and ends the relationship. I don't really believe It. IDN. I have always believed that regardless of what happens u can get through anything stay married, and It has made me weak. I'm thinking about going to IC and get my life together. Just hurts so much. I thank you guys for the truth, I didn't want to listen at first, but I think I know what I need to do now. Thanks allot for the quick responses. I really appreciate It.


So you have your answer. Plain and simple but not easy. Keep working on and taking care of you. Get your ducks in a row and keep busy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

johnathen said:


> I told her that I'm done, then right after she sits with me and ends the relationship. I don't really believe It.


 You said that right after you told her that you were "done" she "ends the relationship". Which relationship did she end, with you or with her lover? No matter the answer to this question you need to end the marriage now, and find someone that would be happy to be your wife. There is someone out there that would wake up every day thanking God that they had you in there life as their spouse. Someone that would happily have more real and fulfilling sex with you in a month than you will ever get from your current lesbian wife; and she would do this because she enjoys it with you as much as you enjoy it with her. The longer that you stay in this bad marriage, the longer you will wait to find the person that wants to be with you. Stop thinking that if you divorce your cheating current wife that you would have wasted so many years of your life; the wasted years are the ones going forward if you knowingly stay in this marriage.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

TRy said:


> You said that right after you told her that you were "done" she "ends the relationship". Which relationship did she end, with you or with her lover? No matter the answer to this question you need to end the marriage now, and find someone that would be happy to be your wife. There is someone out there that would wake up every day thanking God that they had you in there life as their spouse. Someone that would happily have more real and fulfilling sex with you in a month than you will ever get from your current lesbian wife; and she would do this because she enjoys it with you as much as you enjoy it with her. The longer that you stay in this bad marriage, the longer you will wait to find the person that wants to be with you. Stop thinking that if you divorce your cheating current wife that you would have wasted so many years of your life; the wasted years are the ones going forward if you knowingly stay in this marriage.


Absolutely! You have got to endure some pain if you're going to find true happiness. Get over this sham of a marriage and move on.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

johnathen said:


> Thanks guys, I told her that I'm done, then right after she sits with me and ends the relationship. I don't really believe It. IDN. I *have always believed that regardless of what happens u can get through anything stay married, and It has made me weak*. I'm thinking about going to IC and get my life together. Just hurts so much. I thank you guys for the truth, I didn't want to listen at first, but I think I know what I need to do now. Thanks allot for the quick responses. I really appreciate It.


This is a tough life lesson to learn for many of us. You can do the right thing and still get betrayed and left. Just no guarantees in relationships. Best you can do is move forward, keep yourself as a priority in life and try, as best you can, to find a more moral companion in life. This isn't the end of your life this is the beginning of your new one. Get a plan together and execute. You got this.


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