# Help, affair or not????



## Aly35 (Feb 19, 2012)

My husband of 14 years was caught sending text messages to a v attractive former friend of mine a year ago. He said they were innocent but volunteered to stop as it was upsetting me. They have some contact as she is a customer of his business. 

Unknown to him I have been opening his phone bill ever since (that is also how I first found out last year). This month he has called her 8 times but never for more than 10 seconds. What could this be? I confronted him and he says they meet from time to time - she comes to his business for a coffee and that nothing has happened. He did have female friends when we met so I don't mind that. It's the fact that he hid it, lied about it and also the fact she is gorgeous. Also, when she and I were friends (we used to work together) he never showed any interest in her at all. 

I confronted him last night and he denied anything more than a friendship. I don't know what to think now. If I could just overhear one of their conversations I would know for sure. Part of me feels paranoid and part of me thinks I'm a fool.

I can't follow him easily as we have two young children.

I'd welcome your advice.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Aly35 said:


> This month he has called her 8 times but never for more than 10 seconds.


 The short calls are to tell her to log on to Skype, a secret chat line, another communication channel, or to meet him at a rendezvous location. He is communicating with her in secret because he knows that he has promised not to communicate with her outside of business and he is breaking that promise. No matter what he says when you confront him about it, he knows that he is doing something wrong.

This may be an emotional affair (EA) or it may be a physical affair (PA), but you are right to be concerned. No matter which it is he will lie to you about the nature of the relationship and try to make you doubt yourself as crazy. Know this. The minute they both did it behind your back in secret, they were not "just friends". With every secret contact, they are an us with you on the outside and the two of them on the inside keeping a shared secret from you.

Do not tell your husband what you know or how you know, just tell him that you know that he has broken his promise and that he is still in contact with her. Tell him that you want a complete explanation from him and that you will not help him lie to you by telling him what you already know. Tell him that contact with her ends today. Do not listen to his lies. Do not doubt yourself. And no matter how much you will want to tell him about the phone logs, do not tell him. Telling will only help him know what to lie about and will tell him how to take it even deeper underground.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

It's possible, though you don't have any evidence of anything crossing the line between them.

Have you tried to match up the days/times of the calls to places he was or credit card receipts? Such as restaurants or even hotels?



If your really motivated - consider putting a VAR in his car to listen.

It is possible these ten second calls are her telling him she's arrived, but it could also be her telling him to get onto some messaging system like Skype.

What time of day are the calls?


----------



## Aly35 (Feb 19, 2012)

They are normally mid morning or about 5pm. I have no access to his financial records I'm afraid. 

Thanks for the advice about Skype, didn't even think of that.

I think I'll ask him to send her a text while I'm next to him and for me to read the reply...


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Mid morning - they are hooking up at lunch, 5pm is she's gotten to the bar/hotel and is waiting.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Aly35 said:


> Thanks for the advice about Skype, didn't even think of that.


 The fact that Shaggy and I both though of the Skype possibility at the same time tells you that the though has real merit.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Mid morning - they are hooking up at lunch, 5pm is she's gotten to the bar/hotel and is waiting.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

What make/model of phone does he have? If it is an iPhone several on here can tell you how to pull text history and enable the GPS. You can see the text and see where he is going to.

From what you have written, I see no definite proof of an affair. But I do see a reason to investigate further.


----------



## Aly35 (Feb 19, 2012)

yes, it's an i phone

thanks for your replies, I really appreciate it


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Aly35 said:


> yes, it's an i phone
> 
> thanks for your replies, I really appreciate it


OK guys who has the step by step instructions for text retrieval and enabling the GPS function on an iPhone? Sounds like they have backed off on the texts so GPS/Find MY Phone might be the most useful.

Please post for her if you have it.


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

There are mobile listening software. I dont know if it is legal to use in your part of world.


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Get a voice activated recorder and put it in his car. You can find them on amazon. It don't think it's a matter of legality as you're not exactly pursuing a court case here.


----------



## asylumspadez (Jan 17, 2012)

Well besides short and occassional calls/texts, You really have no proof that they are even in that sort of relationship. So try not to go too overboard with this because you will feel like trash if it turns out that there is nothing going on. If you think he is cheating then put a keylogger on the computer he uses. Also as someone else mentioned, Iphones have GPS so start tracking him (not sure how, look it up with google or something).

And why beat around the bush? If she bothers you that much then tell your husband to cut off all contact with her. If he refuses to do so then you know something is up. If he agrees to then have him call her while you are in the room so you know what he is saying to her.


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Complexity said:


> Get a voice activated recorder and put it in his car. You can find them on amazon. It don't think it's a matter of legality as you're not exactly pursuing a court case here.


I wanted the OP to verify if it would be taken as an intrusion of privacy of some person, here it is spouse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## JustWaiting (Jun 28, 2011)

TRy is dead on correct. You'll get differing opinions on whether or not to say something to stop it early. It sounds like it is beyond early already so I would not say a word. I'd play dumb, gather all the info I could, and then confront. Be careful about STDs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

Friends or not, 'business relationship, or not....the moment you said you said you were uncomfortable with it and he 'volunteered to stop' should have been the end of it, period! Particularly if NOTHING is going on. The fact contact is continuing tells you differently! 

He knows what/how they need to adjust their activities by the questions you're asking him. I agree with the others advising you not to say another word to him until you have more credible evidence/proof. I think the VAR is a good idea; but that will only work if they're using HIS vehicle. What if they're using hers? Hhhmmmm??


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I think there are a tad too many assumptions here. I think you should be a little suspicious and be on watch, but for now , he needs the benefit of doubt


----------



## Aly35 (Feb 19, 2012)

oh well, I know the truth. An affair for 13 months, during which time I was pregnant and with a newborn. I asked him to drop her and he hesitated which told me everything, I've asked him to move out.

He says he wants me more than anything but can't live with me hating him. I hope those in the same situation as me ended up with better news.........


----------



## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

So sorry to here your predicament. My heart goes out to you.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

TDSC60 said:


> OK guys who has the step by step instructions for text retrieval and enabling the GPS function on an iPhone? Sounds like they have backed off on the texts so GPS/Find MY Phone might be the most useful.
> 
> Please post for her if you have it.


In order to use "Find My iPhone" you need the Apple ID (generally e-mail address) and the password to his Apple ID.

You then go here....
https://www.icloud.com/
Type in the Apple ID and password then click the "Find My iPhone" icon.

The software will immediately track down his iPhone and give you a location on a map.

It will also track down any other Apple product he has associated with that Apple ID if it has a 3g or wireless connection.


----------



## DubeGechi (Dec 12, 2010)

Get a keylogger and a VAR as quickly as possible. The pattern is disturbing and I dont see anything good out there.


----------

