# Should we try again?



## colour-me-confused (Sep 15, 2010)

My husband and I separated 3 months ago after 7 years together for many reasons. For me, I honestly started to feel that he treated me like a maid. He barely complimented me anymore. In fact, sometimes he could be very critical of me. He even told me once that I seemed stupider after giving birth to our child (he said it more kindly than that but that sums it up). He started going out all the time and often calling to say he was too drunk to make it home ... then sometimes he wouldn't call at all and I was left to wonder and worry. He barely paid attention to our baby at all (unless someone was watching!). I as miserable while pregnant and he seemed to do everything he could to make me feel bad about that even though I had no control over it. When we tried to talk he blamed me by saying I wasn't affectionate towards him and I never initiated sex with him anymore. Those are things he needs because he's a "physical" person. I don't deny I did this. I started to feel so bad about myself and I no longer gave him the attention he required. Add in the fact that we had a small baby and I was too exhausted and focused on the baby to try. I know those are poor excuses ... I should have done more. We decided then that we just had grown too far apart and should separate BEFORE we grew to hate one another. He seemed in such a rush to get a divorce and separate. The best part for me is that he started to spend more time with our child and that was the most important thing. I can't even say that it was that hard for me. Mostly it felt right and, though I was sad to lose this man, I was focused on being happy for once and being independent. 
Then, one week ago, he shows up at my house and says he misses me! We did end up being intimate and I decided not to over think it too much. It was just a moment of weakness and it as okay. But now we are going for a date ... and we have not even discussed any of our issues yet! I'm torn between my desire to try and fix my marriage and not wanting to get hurt and fail again. I'm worried about other peoples judgements. I'm scared that if we try an dfail then we won't be able to get along anymore (which so far we have been). 
I guess my biggest question is: Can you really fix a mangled marriage? And how the heck do you do it????


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Just wondering, is your divorce final or is it about to become final? Whatever you decide to do make sure you include some serious counselling and think about boundries that you want to set that are important to YOU. You also have a child. Like I have said before, kids are not reason to stay in a bad marriage but good enough reason to try everything possible to make a marriage work. Just take it slow.


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## colour-me-confused (Sep 15, 2010)

No, our divorce is a long way from being finalized. the biggest problem we have is that we need to talk through so much stuff ... and we are not so great at communicating. The truth is that if we had talked to each other more openly and honestly we might have avoided this. Every time I try to open up to him I just feel really insecure and end up closing down ... And I'm not sure why he has problems communicating with me. Maybe counselling would help that? I've never done it but I think we'll have to try ...


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## Sunday D (Oct 15, 2010)

If you are Under 40 ...get out now


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## colour-me-confused (Sep 15, 2010)

why if i'm under 40? You seem rather certain that i should get out now ... may i ask why that is?


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## separatedmomof3 (Oct 6, 2010)

Confused on the under 40 thing? What is that all about?


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## healingme (Aug 21, 2010)

colour-me-confused said:


> No, our divorce is a long way from being finalized. the biggest problem we have is that we need to talk through so much stuff ... and we are not so great at communicating. The truth is that if we had talked to each other more openly and honestly we might have avoided this. Every time I try to open up to him I just feel really insecure and end up closing down ... And I'm not sure why he has problems communicating with me. Maybe counselling would help that? I've never done it but I think we'll have to try ...


I'm in a similar boat right now, only take out the baby and replace with 2 cats. I'm really starting to miss him and it's tempting just to call him and say that to him. But I just have to remember I took the drastic measure of leaving him for a very good reason. It will take a lot of control not to just take the initially easy option and get back together just because it hurts and I miss him. Foundations need to be laid, that weren't laid at the beginning of our relationship. 

Please take your time. Rushing back together sounds like a divorce waiting to happen. All it will do is prolong the process. Counselling, couples retreats, doing things together etc, is the way to go. At least, if my own marriage is going to stand any chance of recovery that would be my approach. And if he doesn't agree to that, then there's our answer (mine and yours). 

Be strong, be you.


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