# I NEED ADVICE, from anyone, I feel like I'm dying....



## msgarcia000 (Aug 7, 2012)

Here's the Story:

When husband and I started, he had to choose between his ex girlfriend or I. I gave him time and he chose me. Broke all contact with her and on Friday, he sat me down, told me that he'd rather be honest. We have been together for 2 years, and no children. He said that in some way he never stopped loving her, that he had seen her on Thursday and had kissed her too. I felt heartbroken but I did the rational thing, I moved out of our apartment. On Saturday, he didn't contact me and then Sunday morning I wake up to a Facebook message saying that he missed me and that he loves NO ONE but me. I decided that since he was honest, I'd give it another try.

I went back home, we talked and I still felt like he cared about this other girl so much. He had even gone to tell her goodbye. He told me that losing me is much more painful than losing her. He asked me for time to be with her and figure out if that's what he really wanted, but after he figured that out, he would come back to me!! 

I respect myself very much, so I told him that is either he goes and be with her and I'm completely out of the picture, as in I will not take him back after he figured whatever out. I was not going to be waiting for him while he was out there being happy with her. I wanted to move on. He didn't want that. He knows that if he tries it with her, he would lose me, and that's not what he wants.

Now, I need advice because I'm dying right now. I cant eat, sleep, I throw everything up because I'm constantly thinking negative thoughts such as "Am i pressuring him? Should I just tell him I probably will wait for him, what if he thinks about her all the time?"....

I dont know that to do


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## dwaynewilliams (Feb 1, 2010)

Your husband needs to make a choice. Either he is with you or he is with her. He can't have both. Saying that he wants to spend time with her to help himself figure things out is a ploy. He married you. Things should have been figured out then. It is common to feel melancholy over an ex. It is not normal to act on old feelings about that person. He seems to have a pattern of disrespect for both of you. If you continue to allow this, he will never make up his mind. Why should he? Hope this helps. Good luck.


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## msgarcia000 (Aug 7, 2012)

He made a choice. He told her goodbye and chose me. But I'm not convinced. I feel as though he still wants to try it with her if only I would give him time to do it but he wants me to wait for him. I don't know whats worse, if staying or leaving. If I stay, I will keep wondering or do as he says, he says that this time he will not contact her and that we should try to go back to normal. But I can't. I really am trying because he was honest about it before doing anything. I'm afraid if I give him time, I will lose him to her because the reason they broke up was because he didn't really try while he was with her. Now he feels like he's mature enough to try. She even wanted to get back with him but he told her no. That it was goodbye and that he chooses to be with me. ButI feel horrible. As if Im in between their relationship.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

msgarcia000 said:


> He asked me for time to be with her and figure out if that's what he really wanted, but after he figured that out, he would come back to me!!


 No dice. That there says it all. H e's not 100% committed to you. I am sorry.

The sooner you shore up your boundaries, the better.

Question: did he cheat on her with you (in the beginning?)


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## cub!chy (May 7, 2012)

It’s not your fault, it’s his and he should not have married you if he still has all this baggage. He probably wants you both, which is how guys think, you need to set your limits, and you should not have moved back to him so soon. It’s a tough situation to be in; you don’t need to compete for your husband’s love. It should be freely given to you in it’s entirely, if you fell threated by the OW, then he never loved you and he wasn’t never truly yours. Again, not your fault, it’s his.
How can he love you, if he loves or cares for another? Don’t even think about kids, I am hesitant to give advice as there are many unknowns, but if it was me, this is what I would do. I would move out, for at least 3 months, until he figures out what he wants and then you need to use the time to know what you want. After the 3 months, if he is till hesitant in anyway, then he doesn’t deserve you and leave him, completely. Life is so hard and so is marriage and then kids, if he isn’t completely 1000% into you then you don’t need him, move on and find someone who is, you will be thankful later. I am in a good 12 year marriage with 3 kids, good luck!


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## msgarcia000 (Aug 7, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> No dice. That there says it all. H e's not 100% committed to you. I am sorry.
> 
> The sooner you shore up your boundaries, the better.
> 
> Question: did he cheat on her with you (in the beginning?)


When I gave him the choice of either never seeing me again and be with whoever he wanted to, or being with me and not contact her. He chose to not contact her and to be with me. I dont know what to think at this point. How long will I feel like this, can we ever be normal?...urgh.... In the beginning, like the 4th day of us starting he did. He took her to his house, kissed her, did laundry together and then after that he also was honest. I gave him a day to figure out his feelings and he chose me. Now, I feel like the same thing is happening all over again.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

msgarcia000 said:


> He made a choice. He told her goodbye and chose me.


But you said this:


> He asked me for time to be with her and figure out if that's what he really wanted, but after he figured that out, he would come back to me!!


I'm confused. 

As for what to do, I suggest moving out and setting up a new life in which, if he really does decide he loves you, he will now have to win you back. Anything less than that, less than putting the fear of God into him, and he WILL cheat again because you came at too easy a price.

You may want to ask your doctor for some temporary antidepressants for a couple months to get you through this.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

msgarcia000 said:


> When I gave him the choice of either never seeing me again and be with whoever he wanted to, or being with me and not contact her. He chose to not contact her and to be with me. I dont know what to think at this point. How long will I feel like this, can we ever be normal?...urgh.... In the beginning, like the 4th day of us starting he did. He took her to his house, kissed her, did laundry together and then after that he also was honest. I gave him a day to figure out his feelings and he chose me. Now, I feel like the same thing is happening all over again.


 And it will continue to happen, for the next 40 or 50 years, because he's being taught that he can have you no matter what.


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## msgarcia000 (Aug 7, 2012)

turnera said:


> And it will continue to happen, for the next 40 or 50 years, because he's being taught that he can have you no matter what.


Omg, but this is the reason why I'm also confused. This is the part that is driving me insane. He KNOWS that if he does it a second time, we will be over. He will have no contact, no way of finding me. He's afraid that he's going to lose me completely and this is why he chose me. I'm thinking that maybe if I gave him the time that he needed, with the option of us talking again after a while, he would take it. Urgh, But I know if he tries it with her, he won't come back. He's a good one and I'm afraid of losing him. He doesn't know I'm afraid of losing him because he saw how strong I was, he never imagined I'd walk out that door on Friday.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

msgarcia000 said:


> He KNOWS that if he does it a second time, we will be over.


He has already done it a second time. This WAS his second time. How many second chances are you going to give him?

How old are you two? You mentioned maturity.

In general, look at it this way, no matter what ends up happening: you weren't born attached to him, you didn't grow up attached to him, you STILL aren't attached to him - you just want him for your own happiness. That doesn't mean you're going to die if you break up. You'll grieve, but you won't die. Time does heal.

Now, as to what to do currently, go get the book Surviving An Affair. Make NO commitments to him for the time being. Tell him you are hurting and want to be left alone. If he won't honor that, it's a bad thing. Take this time to read the book to see what you would need to do if he stays.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

btw, if he won't wait for you for a month or two...is that really ALL you want in a marriage? That's not love; that's selfishness.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I'm confused.

Has he chosen you with no contact to OW?


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## msgarcia000 (Aug 7, 2012)

The first time I didn't really consider it a 1st chance. I wasn't really into him like that so I didn't care if he stayed with her or not so we took it as going through the beginning of a relationship. I also saw my ex during that time. So next time would really be his second chance. I am 24 and he is 26. We are both so young so I know I will find a partner. I love him and what gets to me is that he's a great guy. Theres not too many honest guys out there like him. Regardless of anything, he would tell you the truth and I will find myself comparing him to every other man I date! :-( I am definitely not getting pregnant nor marrying him legally. I know I'm going through a difficult time and that we can't make commitments. Our birthdays are next week and we have planned on a road trip to Baltimore. I hate to have future plans with him and now everything seems blurry, like we were supposed to graduate together, etc.


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## msgarcia000 (Aug 7, 2012)

Emerald said:


> I'm confused.
> 
> Has he chosen you with no contact to OW?


Yes, he chose me with no contact to OW. But, I feel like he was left with no choice. It was either be with me or be with her and leave me alone forever because I would not take him back.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

msgarcia000 said:


> Yes, he chose me with no contact to OW. But, I feel like he was left with no choice. It was either be with me or be with her and leave me alone forever because I would not take him back.


And that is what a monogamous relationship is. He may still have feelings for her right now.. that happens. It should wain as your relationship strengthens and as y'all build your lives together.

Does he seem mopey, unhappy, uninterested, etc.? Does he talk about her? It's so soon and if he chose you, continue to show him why he did, IMHO.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

msgarcia000 said:


> He made a choice. He told her goodbye and chose me. But I'm not convinced. I feel as though he still wants to try it with her if only I would give him time to do it but he wants me to wait for him. I don't know whats worse, if staying or leaving. If I stay, I will keep wondering or do as he says, he says that this time he will not contact her and that we should try to go back to normal. But I can't. I really am trying because he was honest about it before doing anything. I'm afraid if I give him time, I will lose him to her because the reason they broke up was because he didn't really try while he was with her. Now he feels like he's mature enough to try. She even wanted to get back with him but he told her no. That it was goodbye and that he chooses to be with me. ButI feel horrible. As if Im in between their relationship.


Tell him that you are not anyones back up plan and he has 30 seconds to make a decision


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## msgarcia000 (Aug 7, 2012)

Cherry said:


> Does he seem mopey, unhappy, uninterested, etc.? Does he talk about her? It's so soon and if he chose you, continue to show him why he did, IMHO.


Urgh, but I value myself too much to be in a relationship with someone who is not 100% on me. He doesn't talk about her, he told her to not call or text him, he seems happy and interested. But that's right now, how about when we fight, will he go and see her.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Read this book. It will show you what a healthy marriage looks like and how to KEEP from getting to the point that he would even consider running to her after a fight: His Needs Her Needs, by Harley.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

msgarcia000 said:


> Urgh, but I value myself too much to be in a relationship with someone who is not 100% on me. He doesn't talk about her, he told her to not call or text him, he seems happy and interested. But that's right now, how about when we fight, will he go and see her.


Have you asked him if he will do that? Has he done that since this final reconciliation? Of course if he has a pattern of doing it after each reconciliation, then if/when he does it again stand your ground, be done with it this time. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results


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## msgarcia000 (Aug 7, 2012)

jajaja....i gave him a few hours and he chose me. I'm sorry but I dont think I'm making myself clear. HE CHOSE ME but my wounds are still open. I have all these negative thoughts that do not want to get out of my head. I feel as though he will leave any day now to be with her. I'm the one who doesn't know if its worth staying in this relationship. I'm the insecure one who doesn't want to waste any more time when I could be healing to better happiness. 

I'm the one that feels like he will stay with loyal to her if I gave him the chance. We would be completely broken because I know they'll do things that we used to do. Is pretty hard. I have a ball in my stomach that doesn't go away :-(


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## msgarcia000 (Aug 7, 2012)

Cherry said:


> Have you asked him if he will do that? Has he done that since this final reconciliation? Of course if he has a pattern of doing it after each reconciliation, then if/when he does it again stand your ground, be done with it this time. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results


Yes I asked him. He said if we could both help her if she ever needed help. I said no because then that means that they would keep in contact and that's not what I want. He doesn't have a pattern, the first time that he talked to her after he let her go two years ago, was this past Friday. Now i dont know if he's the confused one, I think I'm the confused one right now.


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## msgarcia000 (Aug 7, 2012)

turnera said:


> Read this book. It will show you what a healthy marriage looks like and how to KEEP from getting to the point that he would even consider running to her after a fight: His Needs Her Needs, by Harley.


Thank You


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

msgarcia000 said:


> jajaja....i gave him a few hours and he chose me. I'm sorry but I dont think I'm making myself clear. HE CHOSE ME but my wounds are still open. I have all these negative thoughts that do not want to get out of my head. I feel as though he will leave any day now to be with her. I'm the one who doesn't know if its worth staying in this relationship. I'm the insecure one who doesn't want to waste any more time when I could be healing to better happiness.
> 
> I'm the one that feels like he will stay with loyal to her if I gave him the chance. We would be completely broken because I know they'll do things that we used to do. Is pretty hard. I have a ball in my stomach that doesn't go away :-(


Then its your decision. Healing takes time and if it doesn't seem worth investing the time in this, go ahead and let him go. You can't beat him up for a decision you are making now. My H cheated on me pretty bad. I chose to try and make my marriage work with him with the understanding that the cheating won't happen again. He agreed and we moved on (not as painfree as I'm making it sound either) .. You don't think he'd cheat again if given a bottle of jack and a few hours in a bar? I know that, he knows that.. but as a couple and individuals, you set certain boundaries in your relationships, and you can't live on "what ifs" in life.

I may be completely off base, but I'm just thinking


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## msgarcia000 (Aug 7, 2012)

Cherry said:


> Then its your decision. Healing takes time and if it doesn't seem worth investing the time in this, go ahead and let him go. You can't beat him up for a decision you are making now. My H cheated on me pretty bad. I chose to try and make my marriage work with him with the understanding that the cheating won't happen again. He agreed and we moved on (not as painfree as I'm making it sound either) .. You don't think he'd cheat again if given a bottle of jack and a few hours in a bar? I know that, he knows that.. but as a couple and individuals, you set certain boundaries in your relationships, and you can't live on "what ifs" in life.
> 
> I may be completely off base, but I'm just thinking


You are so right. He is worth investing time in but now he planted that seed in my head. I'm confused and very, very, extremely hurt. I feel like he didn't hesitate to leave me for her. Yet he had the chance to spend time with her and they didnt. I'm so confused, I don't know what to do.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

msgarcia000 said:


> You are so right. He is worth investing time in but now he planted that seed in my head. I'm confused and very, very, extremely hurt. I feel like he didn't hesitate to leave me for her. Yet he had the chance to spend time with her and they didnt. I'm so confused, I don't know what to do.


If you take a look around here, you will see that you are not alone. A lot of spouses struggle with the same feelings you do... There are spouses that think they can get over the hurt, only to determine years later that its just not possible, or they have triggers out of the blue of a time when their spouse did something hurtful.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

You are afraid of getting hurt again so you are trying to figure out a way to prevent that. Very normal thinking. Then you say that he is worth it so you go back and forth.

If you are going to try and make it with him you want a guarantee. You are not ever going to get a guarantee even with someone that never had a girlfriend. Love relationships require allowing yourself to be vulnerable because no one is immune from being dishonest. Have you ever been dishonest?

*My best advice is if he is worth it then try to make it with him. Also, both of you work at it seriously and you become stronger and more self independent.* Not that you do that to get even or to rule over him but that so you will be able to make a better relationship with him and if you break up you will be stronger and can recover better. It is a win win.


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