# First heartbreak ever



## Causethecards (Mar 26, 2012)

Hello all,

I have not been lingering around reading here at all, I stumbled into here and think this is a good place to start to try and understand, repair and grow from my current marriage problems. So I am sorry that I dont know the shorthand of the forum for somethings I will ask/talk about. 

I am posting this with no idea what I am looking for or even what may come of this.

I'll start by telling an outline of what happened starting on the second last day of a family vacation 2 weeks ago.

My wife had just stepped out to take the boys (2 under the age of 7) to their grandparents room so we could have sometime to relax on our own and I grabbed her cellphone just to check some of the photos she had taken while on vacation so far. As I scrolled thru the pictures, I scrolled up too far and found nude pictures of herself she had sent me while I was away a few weeks back and the photos right before her string of photos were multiple pictures of another mans privates while he was finishing, and also a couple pictures of his face in a general setting.

As she got back 5 minutes later I asked her about these pictures in her gallery, they were written off as porn downloaded to her phone inadvertently while searching porn. I knew this was not the case but since we had no internet access where we were, I could not prove this to myself, or her to demand more answers. 

We returned the next day and that night I asked her to show me the specific sites she was browsing that would automatically download these pictures onto her phone. This is where she informed me that they were actually pictures of a man her best friend was corresponding with thru a sex/kink site and that my wife requested them because she was curious of the man her best friend was talking with, plus she liked that specific type of 'photo' for her own enjoyment.

This I couldnt prove was a lie either because her friend resent me the pictures claiming they were coming off of her phone that were sent via a long deleted email. I was in such a lost state that I felt so helpless and couldnt find an answer that even felt true. This was Tuesday 2 weeks ago. 

Fast forward to Tuesday last week, and I get a facebook message telling me to ask my wife, who had been home for a few days from work with horrible stomach pains (turned out to be guilt wracking her guts), about a man by the name of Charles (no need for a last name). So on my way to the gym i am receiving this so I text her and tell her to have answers for me when I get home and to think very hard on what those answers were. Her response was that she knew the answers and did not need to think on them.

She informed me when I got back that she had been writing with this Charles since november and that it was just she was bored and that he was just a friend that she talked to once in awhile. 

In the following days, I was contacted by Charles via email forwarding me emails sent between them but hiding the email addresses that my wife had used which I was finally able to uncover that she was using 2, one work and one yahoo. I then got access to her yahoo and everything came out. multiple daily conversations, escalating conversations leading to professing profound love, sexual stories, pictures of sexual and non sexual nature, talk of meeting and leaving their spouses, and more undying love.

The emails to me were mostly him telling me that she is crazy but also in love with him, and then he divulged that she admitted to cheating not just emotionally but physically on a couple occasions in the past, which she wrote 2 short paragraphs about detailing but not naming who they were, and by those descriptions, I have an idea who they may be. She has denied these vehemently owning up to the emotional cheating but never physically or emotionally cheating on me with someone in person but over the phone, email, etc.

So I am here looking for answers about how do I ever know what is real in her lies to me? Do i believe her about the physical cheating never happening, her explanation for that email was so that she would look more available to him. I am of course on my way for a STD test now, no matter how many times she tells me I dont need one. 

In emails sent sent last Tuesday, and voicemails left on my wfes, Charles has made threats against my family members and more so against his own, stating that we would never be able to live with ourselves for the harm that would be done to his children. As soon as I read this, I called the local police here and in his state and the have followed up amicably and as of today they have found the man my wife was talking to and then informed us that there can now be a pending harassment suit and restraining orders filed against him after they caught up with him and read him the riot act etc. They also just informed me that the name we know of is not his own, nor are things like where he is employed true.

I know that if there is emotional cheating going on that I may have driven her to it, although I do not see how as I have always tried to show her my love, make her feel special, and make sure she knows she was my one and only love that I professed to her on many occasions and letters and cards and gifts throughout our time together. I dont know how to start building my trust in her again or how to even know if I want to. My first reason for wanting to is because of my children, but also because I have had this strong love for her all my life. 

At this point I have read so much of their correspondence, I do not know whether it was the right choice or not, but coupled with the lies I have been told by my wife, I dont know how I could trust her if she says those feelings for him were not true. I do not know how to start to trust or see how it could be possible but I do not know like I said earlier, if I am willing or not to walk away from this marriage.

As this is the first I have written this or told the events outside of my head I dont know how they sound. Or if they are even relevant to this forum. But there it is, most of the facts that I know and the half truths as they may be or whatever they are. And I do not know where to go now, what to do, how to go about things and am asking for help wherever I can get it.


If you've read this, thank you for your time and any input you might have. I have not put my feelings down as Im sure most reading this have experienced or have knowledge of the thousands of fluctuating feelings and rising emotions that comes with anything of this sort. Also as for the title, never in a relationship with friend or girlfriend have I ever been the one hurt so dealing with these feelings and emotions really is raw and new to me so I do not feel I have the mechanisms or the know how to do this on my own.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Wow.

First, allow yourself to grieve. Your marriage just died.

Now, you have options. But the trust is gone...so....what can you really do but file?


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I don't know what to make of this. This Charles fellow seems like a bittersweet god send. I'm wary to say that you're wife is a serial cheater but all avenues seem to point that way. I don't understand why she'd divulge those things to him if she didn't do them, was she perhaps trying to convey your worthlessness to her? 

However the credibility of Charles seems to have went down a bit with all the threats and the holes in his lifestory.
I think you should gauge her response to the possibility of a polygraph test.


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## Causethecards (Mar 26, 2012)

I do not know. How do I start to trust, how do I walk away? I have 2 children I love beyond all and a wife no matter how much hate and anger I have still love. Filing is an easy way out but is it the right way? How much work do I put into rebuilding? I have let her know that if she wants this marriage it will be years of work before we are in a good place again probably.

She begs and insists that she wants our marriage more than anything, but with no trust how do I know that in 6 months as things calm sown after working on things it doesnt start up again? I do not know how to answer these, Im not sure anyone does. I dont think there is a right answer here but what does that say about me as a human being either way it goes? Am I a pushover for working on things, am I selfish in that? If I walk away, am I taking the easy way out or the right way? Do I give it the time to work thru things?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

She wants your marriage but she effs other men.

Hm.


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## Causethecards (Mar 26, 2012)

Complexity said:


> I don't know what to make of this. This Charles fellow seems like a bittersweet god send. I'm wary to say that you're wife is a serial cheater but all avenues seem to point that way. I don't understand why she'd divulge those things to him if she didn't do them, was she perhaps trying to convey your worthlessness to her?
> 
> However the credibility of Charles seems to have went down a bit with all the threats and the holes in his lifestory.
> I think you should gauge her response to the possibility of a polygraph test.


Hah, thanks for the last bit, made me laugh, but at the same time a good idea. I dont know her views on them and so I dont know what the reaction would diverge lol. 

Again her response is just that she wanted to seem mire available so Charles would continue talking with her. How I take that as anything but a lie I have no clue and I think therein lies the biggest factor of building trust ever again as this is one lie I cannot swallow as it is given to me. just doesnt sound right no mater how much she sweara it never happened, I think in my mind she thinks we can recover from charles but not the physical ones, if they are true.


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## Causethecards (Mar 26, 2012)

that_girl said:


> She wants your marriage but she effs other men.
> 
> Hm.


I cannot prove that yet. I am trying different ways of trying to find out thru friends and people she worked with at one of the times she wrote about.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Causethecards said:


> I cannot prove that yet. I am trying different ways of trying to find out thru friends and people she worked with at one of the times she wrote about.


If she is prepared, she could have told her friends and coworkers to answer proving her way and not the affair.

Consult a lawyer ASAP.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Causethecards said:


> Hah, thanks for the last bit, made me laugh, but at the same time a good idea. I dont know her views on them and so I dont know what the reaction would diverge lol.
> 
> Again her response is just that she wanted to seem mire available so Charles would continue talking with her. How I take that as anything but a lie I have no clue and I think therein lies the biggest factor of building trust ever again as this is one lie I cannot swallow as it is given to me. just doesnt sound right no mater how much she sweara it never happened, I think in my mind she thinks we can recover from charles but not the physical ones, if they are true.


Yeah I'm sceptical of that response too, I don't understand why she would go _to that_ extent to make him more available to her. If the guy himself told you that she's in love with him and "crazy" then there's definitely more to this story than she's leading on. 

I know the idea of a polygraph sounds ludicrous to us normal folk and you probably wouldn't want the embarrassment that goes with it but I suppose you'll always be in this constant sense of paranoia and doubt. You will never be able to fully trust your wife again regardless of whether she turns out to be innocent or indeed fesses up to the deed (s).


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

*just doesnt sound right no mater how much she sweara it never happened, I think in my mind she thinks we can recover from charles but not the physical ones, if they are true.*

What would your wife need to do,in order to you that she never
had a PA??

You might wanna install a key logger


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Jonesey said:


> *just doesnt sound right no mater how much she sweara it never happened, I think in my mind she thinks we can recover from charles but not the physical ones, if they are true.*
> 
> What would your wife need to do,in order to you that she never
> had a PA??
> ...


I think everything would go underground now given the OM basically ratted her out. He'd have to be on constant alert for years to come when another opportunity arises.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Now would also be the perfect time to close or take 50% of any joint bank account or CC's. Also put any valuable items in a safe.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Schedule a polygraph for her and take her to it. 

At least that will break down her wall of silence she has put up and gives you more info.


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## Causethecards (Mar 26, 2012)

rrrbbbttt said:


> Schedule a polygraph for her and take her to it.
> 
> At least that will break down her wall of silence she has put up and gives you more info.


Not even sure thats possible, is it?

edit: Found a service close by that does them.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

My friend if the roles were reversed and you had done this with another woman, would your wife believe such a ludicrous story as you have been told? Get a polygraph and also just see an attorney just to understand your various options. Your wife has humiliated and disrespected you and your marriage very badly. Good luck.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

if it walks like a sl*t then...........


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Give her this bit and see her react



> I am not sure if our marriage can survive after all your lying and cheating.
> 
> But if you keep on lying, there will be no chance for our marriage. I can take no more lies at this point. You need to come clean at this point. If I find more lies at this point, I'm done. I might be able to take more past infidelity but no more lies from now


 All the proof you have is something you found. She gave you nothing in confession and kept lying through the whole thing


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## Carol/BC (Mar 23, 2012)

Go slow. You've been given a gut punch. You need a lot more answers before you can formulate a plan. 

How absolutely rotten.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

If you do a POLY---you go to the police, and use, who they use---they will be the best/most accurate

Telling her lover, she had sex with others, who knows what to believe---whatever---she knows how to try and keep a lover, and at what expense---yours, your children's

Take some time, meanwhile what boundaries, have you put in---with actionable, not verbal consequences

Kids are not a reason to stay in a mge, that has gone wrong

You are not to blame for any of this---but you do need to get to the WHY---if you are to attempt R-----You have to know what to fix/deal with before you can even try for a R.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Facts:

1. She is a serial cheater. Doesn't matter EA or PA.
2. She has lied and only admitted to what you know for sure.
3. You are rug sweeping. Excusing her for the lies and betrayal.
4. She's lost respect for you, and looks upon you as meal ticket.

Results:

Expect her to cool it for a while, she will continue to look for ways to cheat. Right now, she is thinking, she just needs to be smarter next time. She knows if you let go now, you'll let it go next time.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I know you are in a dark place now and are wondering if your family will be torn apart completely. I know you love your wife but now you have to realize that the wife that you loved is gone and dead to you. You now have to deal with the woman you are married to who is a liar, has betrayed you and your family, had a sexually charged affair in secret with another man using secret email accounts, and who appears to be a serial cheater. You can probably be sure that the nude photos of herself were sent to Charles also.

Since your wife admitted to Charles that she had two previous physical affairs - is there a chance that the two children are not yours? Was there any timeline mentioned in the emails that would lead you to suspect that this is possible? DNA test if there is any doubt.

Good luck to you. You now have to focus on what is best for you and the kids. Living with someone you do not trust is not it.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

She's a CLASSIC serial cheating cake eater. She wants the security of marriage but at the same time wants to bang other men. The question you should ask yourself is do you want to live like this? This isnt a normal affair that you have to kill. This is a clear pattern of behavior. Once a cheater, always a cheater is true in her case.

Then there is the classic shock/denial response of wanting to rug sweep this and taking the blame for the affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What did your wife say when the cops informed her that "Charles" isn't really "Charles" and that his place of employment was somewhether different than what he told her.

Ick. 

Also, what is your wife saying now? 

Who informed you over FB to find out about CHarles?


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## Causethecards (Mar 26, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> What did your wife say when the cops informed her that "Charles" isn't really "Charles" and that his place of employment was somewhether different than what he told her.
> 
> Ick.
> 
> ...


When she was informed he wasnt who he said he was, she got scared and worried. I kinda pointed out how retarded she was not verifying a person online but divulging her own personal info, not that it matters but that it could hurt any of our family thru identity theft or any other possible way.

I was informed by this Charles about himself. He contacted me because my wife told him she was done and he felt that by letting me know and to break up that he could drive her to him (his words in a later email)

My wife is currently extremely adamant that she never had a PA (physical affair correct?) and that STD tests are not needed. I am otw to get my junk handled by another man now thanks to her lying and infidelity...

She is still begging that we work this out thru counseling or whatever I may need, complete surveillance of her technology and she wants to know whatever it is that she needs to do to start rebuilding trust.

Aside from a 7 page letter she wrote me detailing how she never wants to be w/o me wants to rebuild our marriage that there was never a PA etc. Also she is not putting the blame for the EA on me pushing her towards it but rather her blindness to see that I was providing it for her (she has been seeing a therapist that has clued her in to the fact that she has been this way for awhile).

I gotta say everything to do with this is effed up beyond coherence... 

I want to take what was mentioned earlier about roles reversed and fabricate a past infidelity on my part to see if she still really wants this marriage lol. I am not serious but I am just so stunned by these events and have yet to clarify my thoughts and emotions and develop a plan on how to start protecting myself (aside from a lawyer). 

Just lost in general and flabergasted at the effedness of this all so far.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Only reason she is begging to work on the marriage is because of the lifestyle she has with you, not because she loves you.

She is shifting the blame on you, there is no excuse for her affair and she is responsible for it 100% not you.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

This one is a no brainer. She is a serial cheater and will most likely never stop. Your marriage has been a scam, perpetrated by a master con-artist.

So sorry for you buddy, but you know what you need to do.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> What did your wife say when the cops informed her that "Charles" isn't really "Charles" and that his place of employment was somewhether different than what he told her.


What, he's not a secret agent working for the CIA and on a mission while staying at his secret hideout at a trailer park!!!

CTC, you've been given alot of advice it's up to you now how to best proceed forward at this point. Either with your wife or without.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

In my opinion, telling the other man about her having physical affairs with other in the past would make her LESS attractive to the other man, not more attractive. Therefore, why lie about something to portray yourself in a bad light?

She has tried to lie to you at every step of the way.

The part about her breaking it off with Charles on her own seems to be true. Were you suspicious of her at that point, prompting her to preemptively break it off with him, or do you think she broke it off with him before you became suspicious?

She seems remorseful, whether it's out of hurting you or the possiblility of losing her lifestyle/reputation, we don't know yet. Could be a little of both, you did share a lot as a married couple with children.

I second Warlock's idea - tell her you can take the revelation of more infidelity now, but not any more lies. If she doesn't come clean with the physical affair, then schedule the polygraph. You have to know. 

It's too big a decision to make based on the facts you have now.

You will never be able to reconcile if you don't find out one way or another. Even if she's telling the truth, you can't believe that it wasn't physical without the polygraph - it's just too unlikely that it wasn't physical to believe it's the truth without verifying by the polygraph.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Did you say that her friend was in on it with her, regarding the corroboration of her lie about the inappropriate pictures of the other man's private parts?

In my opinion, that makes it much more likely that she was involved in a cheating lifestyle. If she considered it just a fantasy, like looking at porn, she would not have been telling her friend about it. She has a friend, probably also a cheater, with whom she likes to share her cheating. Like a hobby her and her girlfriend can do together.


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## CHELSBABE (Mar 10, 2012)

I am sorry to hear that this happened to you. Affairs are the most painful thing, and those who are involved are the most selfish.

My friend Stephanie had an affair with her boss, knowing that he was happily married. Got pregnant on purpose and tried taking him to the cleaners for court costs and child support. It is such a selfish act. Even has deluded herself into thinking that the wife is the bad guy in it all when she is the one who stepped into a marriage and tried to steal a man. Personally, the wife is justified IMO after all of this, and how her family has to pay my friend cause she kept the kid out of spite. I've tried listening to it, but her answer is usually "us Tanney folk are crazy like that". True that. 

I wish you healing and comfort. I stumbled on this site because my cousin just had this happen to her, and I am trying to seek a helpful place. 



Causethecards said:


> Hello all,
> 
> I have not been lingering around reading here at all, I stumbled into here and think this is a good place to start to try and understand, repair and grow from my current marriage problems. So I am sorry that I dont know the shorthand of the forum for somethings I will ask/talk about.
> 
> ...


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

I agree with the polygraph suggestion. You need to have all the facts before you can make any decisions. Unless of course the EA is a deal breaker. For most it would be. You wife has admitted to needing a lot of reassurance. You also have to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life meeting that demand. Take your time making a decision. There is no statute of limitations on infidelity. Reconciliation takes 2-5 years if it is to work at all. You are experiencing the worst pain a loved one can go through. Take care of yourself first and foremost. Find yourself a counselor that has experience with PTSD and infidelity. Good luck friend. You just involuntarily joined a club that nobody wants to be a part of.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

What more proof do you need? It seems like your in major denial.

She admitted to lying to you. I wouldn't trust anything else that comes out of her mouth.

Her actions are beyond disgusting. I'm so very sorry.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I think this may be your wife posting as Self Destructive Wife. The story sounds similar.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/43019-too-many-mistakes-rebuild-marriage.html


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Cause,

I read your wife's post earlier today. She is a good liar and writes very well.

She also admits to being very needy.

If you do lover her and do not know what to believe then take her for a polygraph. You need to find out what are lies and what is truth.

Also, your wife needs to stain counselling because of her deep rooted issues and history of lying.

It is a tough road but get your answers before you make any long term decisions.

Good Luck,

Hm64


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Just like Charles made up his own character for his online affair, your wife may have made up her end also, including the previous affairs. Get the poly to find out if she really had the other affairs to. 

Have you talked to the "friend" who claimed to have sent the pictures to her?

Have you gone throught her old emails,texts, facebook etc.?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

She created and deleted her thread. I wonder why? Did you ask her to posts here?


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> She created and deleted her thread. I wonder why? Did you ask her to posts here?


Maybe she didn't like the responses?

I believe she said she posted because she saw all the posts in this thread basically telling her husband to leave her and she wanted advice as to how to save her marriage. She was trying to defend her story that she never really had any other affairs but was just trying to impress the OM. I think she was hoping her husband would see her subjecting herself to TAM scrutiny and he would feel she was really trying. What she needs to know is its not about her anymore. All she thought about was herself during the affair. Now its all about him and whether he chooses to stay and try to make it work.


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## Causethecards (Mar 26, 2012)

No, I did not ask her to post here. I told her that i had posted and that if she wanted to read it and see it from my perspective, she was free to. From talking with her about it after she posted, she posted to see how she could start to repair our marriage from her end, and to understand more of the feelings and emotion and hurt I am going thru. She was also hoping she might hear that it would be possible to repair. She says she is thankful for a few of the really good posts that directed her towards help and even for the ones that came out hostile towards her actions for shedding more light on the situation for her. This is essentially how she put her reactions to the thread to me.

We have a huge amount of discussing, arguing and coping to do before any decision on my behalf is made. I think she is realizing the damage she has done to me and she herself doesn't see how I am going to be able to forgive her, nor do I, or if I do. I will be taking my time on that decision, that is for sure. I an using my support group that know us both, our family and our situation as sure as it is.

I must say tho, I was able to read the thread before it got deleted and I am amazed at how accurate most of the posts were in summing her and her issues up. I'll be sitting in with her therapist session soon to try and at least help him help her in her issues even if it has no bearing on the end result of our marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> Maybe she didn't like the responses?
> 
> I believe she said she posted because she saw all the posts in this thread basically telling her husband to leave her and she wanted advice as to how to save her marriage. She was trying to defend her story that she never really had any other affairs but was just trying to impress the OM. I think she was hoping her husband would see her subjecting herself to TAM scrutiny and he would feel she was really trying. What she needs to know is its not about her anymore. All she thought about was herself during the affair. Now its all about him and whether he chooses to stay and try to make it work.


I don't know why but I refreshed the thread in the middle of reading her post and found it deleted. I read until the cops part. 

Is she planning to post somewhere else ? This board can be a little harsh on cheating spouses. If she is planning to post further, I have a few places to recommend.


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## Causethecards (Mar 26, 2012)

Wow Beowulf, you're fast and bang on again. That is exactly how I saw her posting and I hope she is genuine in when she says that you have made her aware that it isn't about her and that if she is too start working on us that that focus really needs to shift. 

Thanks for your posts on my behalf tho Beowulf and others as they have helped me know what I need to do myself, and expect/need my ws to do so that any healing that will happen can start.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Causethecards (Mar 26, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> I don't know why but I refreshed the thread in the middle of reading her post and found it deleted. I read until the cops part.
> 
> Is she planning to post somewhere else ? This board can be a little harsh on cheating spouses. If she is planning to post further, I have a few places to recommend.


She was put off by the harshness and hence deleted the post as she says she was looking for other ws that have come in from the abyss to find calmer water and perhaps R.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Causethecards (Mar 26, 2012)

And for anyone that thinks I've rolled over and am rug sweeping, I don't think I am, aware me if I am. 

I however am going forward, with no trust, all the anger, hurt and pain painted on my sleeve and when the time comes, only with thorough deliberation and as total certainty as possible will I make my decision to the best of my ability whether for better or worse for my family. My happiness as a man and a human being will not be sacrificed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Causethecards said:


> She was put off by the harshness and hence deleted the post as she says she was looking for other ws that have come in from the abyss to find calmer water and perhaps R.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wayward forum on survivinginfidelity.com.They have an option to stop BS's from commenting.Not that the former waywards can't be just as harsh.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Causethecards said:


> And for anyone that thinks I've rolled over and am rug sweeping, I don't think I am, aware me if I am.
> 
> I however am going forward, with no trust, all the anger, hurt and pain painted on my sleeve and when the time comes, only with thorough deliberation and as total certainty as possible will I make my decision to the best of my ability whether for better or worse for my family. My happiness as a man and a human being will not be sacrificed.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Cause,

You have the right attitude.. Time is on your side. And yes, Beowulf has your wife pegged. She should have left her thread up longer.

If she truly wants some to hear from some WS's then send me a pm. But for now she should be focusing on her issues and helping you cope with the hurt!

HM64
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Causethecards said:


> Wow Beowulf, you're fast and bang on again. That is exactly how I saw her posting and I hope she is genuine in when she says that you have made her aware that it isn't about her and that if she is too start working on us that that focus really needs to shift.
> 
> Thanks for your posts on my behalf tho Beowulf and others as they have helped me know what I need to do myself, and expect/need my ws to do so that any healing that will happen can start.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't think she liked my post when I told her that she was now dead. That she had killed your wife. It is very hard for WS to realize. They still see themselves as the same person but one who made a mistake. But the BS no longer sees them as the person they married. That person is dead in the BS's mind. And a lot of the pain that a BS goes through is grief.

CC, you are right now grieving the death of your wife. After what she has done you can't see her as the woman you married. The betrayal has destroyed that woman. You are also grieving the death of your marriage. Even if you decide to try to reconcile you and your wife are now different people as a result of this betrayal. Therefore you have to accept that your old marriage is over and you need to understand that a new one will have to be created to take its place. It may be that you won't be able to do it because you are a different man forever changed by this trauma. And she is a different woman. She is now someone that you absolutely know can betray you. The innocence is gone.

So in a very real sense she has died. The wife you knew is never coming back. You have to decide if the woman in front of you is someone you want to commit to. Frankly, many men can't deal with the loss of trust. I was able to but my case was unusual in that I had no knowledge about my wife's affair until she had ended it and came clean that night. If I had caught her in an affair, if she had gaslighted me like your wife did you, if she had continually trickle truth'd me like your wife did, I know I would not have reconciled. You have to decide what you are willing to live with. And that choice is all yours and whatever you decide its the right choice for you.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Causethecards said:


> She was put off by the harshness and hence deleted the post as she says she was looking for other ws that have come in from the abyss to find calmer water and perhaps R.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No such luck. Former WS here on TAM are usually even tougher than the BS. Like ex smokers having no sympathy for anyone that lights up. They've heard it all because they've said it all. They don't accept bull crap or excuses.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

CC, I hope you got to read her post before she deleted it. When she talked about her affair she said something to the effect of "This time it was an EA" or "Now its an EA." I questioned her wording and asked how many affairs she's had in the past because it in her own words it certainly sounded like this wasn't her first one.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Now this makes it even more suspicious...Was it these posts that made her delete the thread instead of the harshness?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> CC, I hope you got to read her post before she deleted it. When she talked about her affair she said something to the effect of "This time it was an EA" or "Now its an EA." I questioned her wording and asked how many affairs she's had in the past because it in her own words it certainly sounded like this wasn't her first one.


Yeah, I read her post and that little slip of the keys brought me up short also.

Sometimes a little truth slips in between the lies and excuses. 

Something to thing about - as if he does not have enough to work through already.


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