# Guilty



## Feelbad (Jul 26, 2021)

Wife and I have been married for nearly 16 years, and we have three children. We have a good marriage, just some communication problems. But something has been bothering me lately. About 4 or 5 years ago, at a party been drinking, I held another woman's hand for about 30 seconds. I hadn't thought about it for years until it just popped back into my head. I of course feel guilty and bad, but how should I proceed? Things are going great. Nothing ever happened from this event. I didn't have an affair. I want to forgive myself and move on because I need to be a good father and husband. My kids are 5,8, 15 and telling my wife won't change anything but make her mad. Thoughts?


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

if that's really all it was, I personally would let it go. If your guilt is racking you so bad, tell your wife. she will probably forgive you. 

one last thing. your guilt is a good thing. it's telling you, you did something bad (not horrible, but bad). more people should have a guilt-o-meter as sensitive as yours.


----------



## Nina0 (Mar 24, 2017)

Dude let this go. Dont destroy your marriage for something so silly. That’s good that you know you shouldn’t do this again.


----------



## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Let it go!!!


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Feelbad said:


> Wife and I have been married for nearly 16 years, and we have three children. We have a good marriage, just some communication problems. But something has been bothering me lately. About 4 or 5 years ago, at a party been drinking, I held another woman's hand for about 30 seconds. I hadn't thought about it for years until it just popped back into my head. I of course feel guilty and bad, but how should I proceed? Things are going great. Nothing ever happened from this event. I didn't have an affair. I want to forgive myself and move on because I need to be a good father and husband. My kids are 5,8, 15 and telling my wife won't change anything but make her mad. Thoughts?


Forget about it.....


----------



## MEA (Jul 12, 2021)

You have a respectable conscience.
Use this memory as a tool to never take your wife for granted.

Do NOT tell your wife. If my husband did something this benign yet stupid, I might start to become suspicious that he is capable of more. If you know you never could do more, telling your wife will only cause trouble.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I think you should do penance. My suggestion is that your penance would be to seek forgiveness from a higher power (or yourself) and never reveal the hand holding to your wife.


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Was The Beatles song “I Wanna Hold Your Hand” playing? If so then you should feel no guilt, otherwise you should probably confess.


----------



## jjj858 (Jun 18, 2021)

As others have said just let this go. Nothing further happened. No need to make waves in your marriage over this. The only thing I’d examine is why did you do it? Was there something lacking in your marriage or any other issues that made you look for the affection of another woman or was it just a dumb slip up while drunk?


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

jjj858 said:


> As others have said just let this go. Nothing further happened. No need to make waves in your marriage over this. The only thing I’d examine is why did you do it? Was there something lacking in your marriage or any other issues that made you look for the affection of another woman or was it just a dumb slip up while drunk?


^^This.

Or, is there something in your marriage now, that is causing you to remember this? Put your energy into that. Forget this.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

What were the circumstances of the event and who was she?


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I agree with another poster, to use this guilt to appreciate her more, make up to her for this guilt in other ways. Let her know she’s your woman and she’ll thank you for it. 

Use that memory to jump into a future where you held that held even longer and, took it further. You got the woman’s phone number, had an emotional affair, maybe even physical. And then keep going. Your wife eventually found out, and you divorced, and now some other man is sleeping beside her and playing dad to your kids. 

Use that memory for the opportunity to create something amazing. To see her through the eyes of another. To yearn for her and please her. 

Don’t tell her - show her how much you value nearly losing her to another man. 

Because these small moments can alter the course of everyone’s lives in the way I described above. 

You have a golden opportunity to change your marriage today, now.


----------



## caldwell (Jul 14, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> I agree with another poster, to use this guilt to appreciate her more, make up to her for this guilt in other ways. Let her know she’s your woman and she’ll thank you for it.
> 
> Use that memory to jump into a future where you held that held even longer and, took it further. You got the woman’s phone number, had an emotional affair, maybe even physical. And then keep going. Your wife eventually found out, and you divorced, and now some other man is sleeping beside her and playing dad to your kids.
> 
> ...


Very helpful and well written answer. I completely agree.


----------



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

sorry I have to ask , 
what type party was this was your wife there with you 
how did you end up holding another woman's hand 
in want way were you holding it , if you feel guilty about it you must have wanted more 
was the other woman ok with you holding her hand , did she want it as well , 

why had it this big a impact on you ,


----------



## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

What led up to you holding hands? I'm assuming there was a bit of interaction leading up to the point where you felt comfortable enough to hold her hand? Flirting? Intimate conversation?

And this is why Mrs. Noman doesn't go to bars or parties without me. Liquid Libido is dangerous stuff.


----------



## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

"guilt is like a bag of bricks.....all you gotta do is set it down"


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Hook......line......sinker


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Feeling guilty for holding her hand for about 30 seconds?? I think what you're feeling guilty about is what let you holding her hand.


----------



## Feelbad (Jul 26, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> sorry I have to ask ,
> what type party was this was your wife there with you
> how did you end up holding another woman's hand
> in want way were you holding it , if you feel guilty about it you must have wanted more
> ...


Well, I have had OCD, and I can go years with worrying about something and then it just pops up out of nowhere.


----------



## Feelbad (Jul 26, 2021)

Feelbad said:


> Well, I have had OCD, and I can go years with worrying about something and then it just pops up out of nowhere.


99% percent of people would blow off stuff like this, but my mind hold on to it.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Your marriage is over. You need to speak with a divorce attorney immediately. In fact, visit with the top three divorce attorneys in your area, and pick the best one. Take all of the steps necessary to make sure you get at least 50% visitation with your children. Change the passwords to all of your online bank accounts. Get a VAR to go in her car to make sure she's not cheating on you. Consider putting cameras throughout your house in case she's cheating on you. 

Or you can just forget about it, which is what I would do.


----------



## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

You could prpbably tell your wife and she would most likely laugh that you were so concerned. Of course, she may also look at it that as a time to confess and mention she blew the UPS guy back in 2005. Kidding. Seriously man, forget about it. No harm whatsoever.


----------



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

SEEMS LIKE YOU KNOW what is the problem here ,


----------



## Feelbad (Jul 26, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> SEEMS LIKE YOU KNOW what is the problem here ,


Yes, and it changes your life for the worst!


----------



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Feelbad said:


> Yes, and it changes your life for the worst!


 is there a treatment , 
is it hard for others around you , does it impact on them as much as it does on you ,

there is no one perfect most of us keep things covered up and don't show


----------



## TheGoodFather (Feb 12, 2021)

The relevant questions are: What is that woman to you? and what prompted you to hold that woman's hand for 30 seconds? Your honest answers to those questions will determine if the guilt that keeps pestering you is justified or not.


----------



## Feelbad (Jul 26, 2021)

TheGoodFather said:


> The relevant questions are: What is that woman to you? and what prompted you to hold that woman's hand for 30 seconds? Your honest answers to those questions will determine if the guilt that keeps pestering you is justified or not.


She is nothing to me. I haven't seen her since that day.


----------



## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Let it go. Don’t crush your wife’s bubble of blissful ignorance over holding some woman’s hand years ago.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Feelbad said:


> She is nothing to me. I haven't seen her since that day.


So what led you to do that in the first place? What were the curcumstances?


----------



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> So what led you to do that in the first place? What were the curcumstances?


 he was asked that 3 times and each time there was no response


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

frenchpaddy said:


> he was asked that 3 times and each time there was no response


Yes, thats why I keep asking.


----------



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Yes, thats why I keep asking.


 I think it is an important question 
I take it the op has some type of condition that leads him to feeling guilty for things for years or come up years after the thing passed 
but in my years I have never been in this type situation with another woman other than my wife 
and can not understand what prompted this to happen in the first place 
it is important to know are the posters right in thinking this was nothing or could there have been more to it on your part 
and how did the other woman feel about this , did she feel happy or did she feel like you over steeped the line


----------



## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

C'mon Feelbad, stop evading the question. What happened leading up to holding her hand? I have a feeling that might be why you are feeling guilty.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Noman said:


> C'mon Feelbad, stop evading the question. What happened leading up to holding her hand? I have a feeling that might be why you are feeling guilty.


Yes, I think there is more to the story.


----------



## TheGoodFather (Feb 12, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Yes, I think there is more to the story.


and what were they both up to while holding each others hands? 🤔


----------



## Feelbad (Jul 26, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> So what led you to do that in the first place? What were the curcumstances?


I really don’t know, I had been drinking There was nothing ever between us, just a poor judgment on my part. We were never involved, nothing.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Feelbad said:


> I really don’t know, I had been drinking There was nothing ever between us, just a poor judgment on my part. We were never involved, nothing.


So you have no idea why you were holding a strange woman's hand? You must know what led to it. What did you talk about?


----------



## Feelbad (Jul 26, 2021)

Feelbad said:


> I really don’t know, I had been drinking There was nothing ever between us, just a poor judgment on my part. We were never involved, nothing.





Diana7 said:


> So you have no idea why you were holding a strange woman's hand? You must know what led to it. What did you talk about?


We knew each other, but that was it!


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Feelbad said:


> We knew each other, but that was it!


What were you doing out with her and why did you hold her hand? It doesn't just happen.


----------



## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

What would your feelings be if during the party there was dancing and you had a dance with woman-not-your-spouse?

that would be longer than 30 seconds 

dancing like slow or ballroom type where there is lots of body-to-body contact

Go see a shrink to try and get over your mental guilt and don't burden your wife with this problem.

I bet she has enough life problems already - don't make her life worse!


----------



## Feelbad (Jul 26, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> What were you doing out with her and why did you hold her hand? It doesn't just happen.


We were at a Christmas party for my wife’s work. Look, I feel guilty, don’t know why you’re asking so many questions!


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Feelbad said:


> We were at a Christmas party for my wife’s work. Look, I feel guilty, don’t know why you’re asking so many questions!


Trying to get to the bottom of when and how and why this happened. Where was your wife and what led to the hand holding? What was said between you and the lady? You dont just go up to a woman at your wife's work party and hold hands. There is more to it.


----------



## Feelbad (Jul 26, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Trying to get to the bottom of when and how and why this happened. Where was your wife and what led to the hand holding? What was said between you and the lady? You dont just go up to a woman at your wife's work party and hold hands. There is more to it.


Nothing was said, just happened. There isn’t anything g else. It was really brief. Like I said it was 4-5 years ago and I hadn’t even thought of it until recently. As you can tell, I have anxiety, depression and OCD.


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Fair enough, your conditions can make life hard sometimes, and I commend you for being strong enough and brave enough to wear your heart on your sleeve and ask for help. 

It’s important to you and while we may not understand the significance of simply holding a hand, it’s affecting you and you’re holding onto it and it’s growing bigger and bigger for YOU. There’s nothing wrong with that. 

I think as you’ve highlighted, it’s more the holding on and building up of an incident that’s impacting you, rather than the actual incident itself. You have great insight into your thoughts and feelings and challenges, and that’s half the issue solved. 

So the problem is not, ‘I held a woman’s hand 5 years ago should I tell my wife’, the problem is, ‘something happens a long time ago and the thoughts become so intrusive years later that I can’t let go’. The second thing is what you can tell your wife. Not the first but. That’s the bit you need to express to her if she is a loving wife and your safe person. Vulnerability is ok. As a woman, that first sentence may drive me away, but hearing it said the second way would fill me with compassion and understanding. 

Do you see someone regularly about this?


----------



## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> Trying to get to the bottom of when and how and why this happened. Where was your wife and what led to the hand holding? What was said between you and the lady? You dont just go up to a woman at your wife's work party and hold hands. There is more to it.


Yes, I wonder how much more there is to it.

What is your backstory with this woman? I'm guessing there is a relationship between you & this woman (and your wife?) Does your wife know this woman?

Leading up to this party what was your relationship with this woman? It seems like there must have been interaction(s) between you and this women to make you hold her hand.

Or maybe not, maybe you just knew her & everyone was feeling happy & you held another human being's hand for 30 seconds. Holding someone's hand is not an uncommon thing to do, but generally there is an emotional connection in place to allow it to happen.

I hold Mrs. Noman's hand all the time, but if I caught some other man doing so, I'd pound him into the ground. Unless he was pulling her up from the side of a cliff...


----------



## Feelbad (Jul 26, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> I agree with another poster, to use this guilt to appreciate her more, make up to her for this guilt in other ways. Let her know she’s your woman and she’ll thank you for it.
> 
> Use that memory to jump into a future where you held that held even longer and, took it further. You got the woman’s phone number, had an emotional affair, maybe even physical. And then keep going. Your wife eventually found out, and you divorced, and now some other man is sleeping beside her and playing dad to your kids.
> 
> ...


Thank you for these words!


----------



## Feelbad (Jul 26, 2021)

Noman said:


> Yes, I wonder how much more there is to it.
> 
> What is your backstory with this woman? I'm guessing there is a relationship between you & this woman (and your wife?) Does your wife know this woman?
> 
> ...


Nothing ever happened with this woman leading up to this. We just knew each other. Nothing ever happened before, during, or afterward. Haven't seen her since that day 4-5 years ago. Im just trying to figure out how to proceed.


----------



## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

Feelbad said:


> Nothing ever happened with this woman leading up to this. We just knew each other. Nothing ever happened before, during, or afterward. Haven't seen her since that day 4-5 years ago. Im just trying to figure out how to proceed.


Well, OK, so maybe in a happy moment you briefly held another human being's hand, sharing contact with that human. It's not like you were groping her.

If that's really all there is to it you should DEFINITELY stop beating yourself up over it. If you feel you have to unburden yourself to your wife, perhaps a quiet moment after a glass or two of wine would be a good time. Tell her it was weird, there was nothing more to it than holding hands, you feel bad, apologize if that will make you feel better.


----------



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

I think your wife knows you by now , you can tell her everything ,


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Feelbad said:


> Nothing ever happened with this woman leading up to this. We just knew each other. Nothing ever happened before, during, or afterward. Haven't seen her since that day 4-5 years ago. Im just trying to figure out how to proceed.


So you were talking to this acquaintance while a little tipsy. Somewhere during this conversation either you or her took the other's hand. Which was it, you or her? What were you talking about prior to holding hands? Why did you stop holding hands? What was said after you stopped holding hands?

I know that is a lot of questions, but more detail of the event will help gauge how much if anything you have to be guilty about. I suspect there is nothing to be guilty of, but 30 seconds is actually pretty long to just casually hold hands. I can recall very similar situation(s) I've been in, also at Christmas parties thrown by my wife's employer at the time. It wouldn't have been unusual for me to walk up to one of her female coworkers that I knew and take her hand while she sat at a table, almost like shaking hands, but it a more boy/girl manner, if you know what I mean. Holding onto each other's hand while we greeted each other would be no big deal, wouldn't even give it a second thought. We might even continue holding hands while we talk, depending on the person and the conversation. By the 30 second mark I think it would be starting to get kind of weird and feel awkward. However, with drinks involved I would chalk it up as nothing. If that is similar to what occurred to you then there is zero reason to feel guilty. If the situation was more like you took the woman's hand, held onto it because you felt a spark of lust and made a pass at her that is a rather different situation.

So, I think more detail is needed to really understand if any guilt is warranted. I suspect there is no reason to feel guilty. I have mixed feelings about telling your wife. I know I prefer to be completely honest and if I were feeling guilty about something like this it would feel good for me to get it off my chest. That may be what you need to get over this. However, if your marriage is already strained and you think this could put it over the edge, you may want to hold onto it until you get the other issues sorted out. But again, the details around the event are important and if you are going to tell your wife you will need to give every detail.


----------



## Feelbad (Jul 26, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> So you were talking to this acquaintance while a little tipsy. Somewhere during this conversation either you or her took the other's hand. Which was it, you or her? What were you talking about prior to holding hands? Why did you stop holding hands? What was said after you stopped holding hands?
> 
> I know that is a lot of questions, but more detail of the event will help gauge how much if anything you have to be guilty about. I suspect there is nothing to be guilty of, but 30 seconds is actually pretty long to just casually hold hands. I can recall very similar situation(s) I've been in, also at Christmas parties thrown by my wife's employer at the time. It wouldn't have been unusual for me to walk up to one of her female coworkers that I knew and take her hand while she sat at a table, almost like shaking hands, but it a more boy/girl manner, if you know what I mean. Holding onto each other's hand while we greeted each other would be no big deal, wouldn't even give it a second thought. We might even continue holding hands while we talk, depending on the person and the conversation. By the 30 second mark I think it would be starting to get kind of weird and feel awkward. However, with drinks involved I would chalk it up as nothing. If that is similar to what occurred to you then there is zero reason to feel guilty. If the situation was more like you took the woman's hand, held onto it because you felt a spark of lust and made a pass at her that is a rather different situation.
> 
> So, I think more detail is needed to really understand if any guilt is warranted. I suspect there is no reason to feel guilty. I have mixed feelings about telling your wife. I know I prefer to be completely honest and if I were feeling guilty about something like this it would feel good for me to get it off my chest. That may be what you need to get over this. However, if your marriage is already strained and you think this could put it over the edge, you may want to hold onto it until you get the other issues sorted out. But again, the details around the event are important and if you are going to tell your wife you will need to give every detail.


We had both been drinking. I wasn't making a pass at her. 15 minutes later I was home making love to my wife.


----------



## Feelbad (Jul 26, 2021)

Feelbad said:


> We had both been drinking. I wasn't making a pass at her. 15 minutes later I was home making love to my wife.


She I believe has been marrried 22 years now. I don't think she sweating over it.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Feelbad said:


> We had both been drinking. I wasn't making a pass at her. 15 minutes later I was home making love to my wife.


Where was your wife?


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Feelbad said:


> We had both been drinking. I wasn't making a pass at her. 15 minutes later I was home making love to my wife.


I think you have very little of anything to feel guilty about.

I suggest you tell your wife so you can stop it from weighing on you. I would tell her that a memory popped into your head from a few years ago and has been bugging you. Tell exactly what happened, you held the woman's hand for about 30 seconds while talking and you felt a little guilty and awkward about it. Unless your wife is totally unreasonable or very jealous she will probably think nothing of it and you will have the relief of getting it off your chest.


----------

