# So then, could this be called a sexless-marriage?



## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

Statistically speaking, I understand, a sexless marriage is one where a couple has sex one or less times a month.

In my case, I get sex maybe 4-7 times a month, so obviously out of this range. But, considering the other facts in my case, would you see this too as a sexless marriage?

* For the last decade-and-half, it's me who has initiated 99.9% of times.
* She will often reject, say once-in-three times roughly speaking.
* If she agrees, it's dead-body and plain-vanilla sex.
* Lot of really hurtful sexual insults thrown in while having sex.
* She won't kiss me. Ever.
* Oral sex is out.
* She has stories of friends' wives complaining partner wants sex "all the time".
* She sometimes suggests I meet my sexual needs with someone else (but I doubt she's serious on this).

If your wondering why I stay despite it all, I do understand how powerful sex can be, how a sexual relationship going bad can burn generations and others in the family (seen it as a kid), that divorce is something that would financially ruin me, and I don't want the kids seeing me as a 'cheater' without even understanding the issues involved...

Your thoughts pls?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Even though you get more sex than many, this sounds like it would quickly kill your spirit. It would kill mine. Bad sex is bad sex - she's probably hoping it won't be worth your while and you will stop asking. And being stuck because of finances makes it harder. 

I don't have any good advice. Maybe take her up on her offer to get it elsewhere? Or, on the somewhat absurd side to point out her failures as a wife, get a blowup sex doll for your bed and kick her out of the room. At least you won't get insults or rejection.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Basically, she is not attracted to you. Giving you bare minimum duty sex. 

And her saying to fulfill your needs with someone else, is a sign. 

Personally, if I were you I'd make myself attractive and if she continues to say go find it somewhere else and you don't want to divorce then go find it somewhere else. 

She is giving you permission.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Where's your self respect? Why would you have sex with someone who is obviously not interested, who insults you during sex, and suggests you find someone else to go have sex with instead?

Also, review your assumptions. Divorce doesn't have to financially ruin you. While your lifestyle will take a hit, generally men's quality of life rebounds quickly. Unless you're close to retirement and would lose a business or have to pay huge alimony, you can recover.

Remember your kids are learning from you what a marriage looks like. They will recreate it in their own marriages. You would do them a favor to model healthy boundaries and a healthy life after divorce.


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## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

Thor said:


> Unless you're close to retirement and would lose a business or have to pay huge alimony, you can recover.
> 
> This is ME.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I don't think you're in a sexless marriage.

But it's definitely starfish sex, and it sounds absolutely awful. There is virtually no reward or benefit for you, except maybe the release at the end. The rest sounds uncomfortable, lacking any emotion, and degrading (her negative sexual comments towards you during sex).

By the way, can you give an example of these negative comments? Does she criticize your size, your technique? What does she say? It sounds awful.


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Sorry to hear about your situation.

While your frequency would sound okay to many people, the quality sounds like it not even there.

I'm sure more seasoned posters will come along and provide more suggestions and I would seriously consider the advice they give.

Their experience will be a great guide.

When I was younger, I thought there was no such thing as bad pizza and bad sex....turns out I was wrong on both counts.

Good luck.


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

Get this for your wife for mothers day and have fun with it , like water on a ducks back :smthumbup: 
Oh the irony

ASIN: B00GU5F8ZG


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

brownmale said:


> Statistically speaking, I understand, a sexless marriage is one where a couple has sex one or less times a month.
> 
> In my case, I get sex maybe 4-7 times a month, so obviously out of this range. But, considering the other facts in my case, would you see this too as a sexless marriage?
> 
> ...


This is not a sexless marriage.

But it should be. 

Stop having sex with a woman who obviously not only is not attracted to you but has no respect for you either. Respect yourself more than that.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

is sex once or less month really a "sexless marriage"?


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

ScrambledEggs said:


> is sex once or less month really a "sexless marriage"?


Dr. Phil.com - Advice - Sexless Statistics

15 to 20 percent of couples have sex no more than 10 times a year, which experts define as a sexless marriage. — Newsweek 

PS: Your profile photo shows fried eggs, but name reads 'scrambled' eggs?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ScrambledEggs said:


> is sex once or less month really a "sexless marriage"?


What I've read is that sex 10 or fewer times a year is considered sexless.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does your wife have a job?

How old are your children? 

How long have you been married?


.


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Does your wife have a job?
> 
> She did, till a couple of years back. But the buck stops with me; I'm the main bread earner and depended on keeping the family together financially.
> 
> ...


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Divorce will never be easier than today for you. With kids in that age range, it only becomes more and more of a financial jail by staying in the marriage. So don't think for a moment it will be easier financially or emotionally to divorce once the kids leave the house.


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## feeling lost (Oct 17, 2009)

This is just duty sex and nothing more!

if she does not get help to reconnect, it will get worse.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

So Brownmale--I'm assuming you've tried to discuss this issue with her. What's her side of the story?


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## GoodFunLife (Apr 24, 2015)

You need to stop associating yourself with lame sex. You've been accepting her scraps for too long, most likely because you convinced yourself that bad sex is better than no sex. I would challenge you to revisit this. Take sex off the table for a few weeks or even a couple months, give her some space and make yourself less available to her. Sounds crazy but it will help clear your head and should enable her to rebuild her attraction for you.


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

Nothing. Just like you would respond if I spoke to you in Greek 

My theory is that the LD partner (i) doesn't see a problem (ii) if s/he sees one, doesn't have a clue of what's happening or how to sort it out...


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

GoodFunLife said:


> You need to stop associating yourself with lame sex. You've been accepting her scraps for too long, most likely because you convinced yourself that bad sex is better than no sex. I would challenge you to revisit this. Take sex off the table for a few weeks or even a couple months, give her some space and make yourself less available to her. Sounds crazy but it will help clear your head and should enable her to rebuild her attraction for you.


Your probably right. But I've invested two of the best decades of my life into it. Looking at 180 recently....


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## GoodFunLife (Apr 24, 2015)

I hear you. Painful but worth doing the hard work to try to get through it. Also I posted a response to another post about trying to figure out how to meet each other's needs more consistently (both sexual and more importantly non-sexual). Lame sex tends to be the end result of not meeting each other's needs so that might be worth investigating.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why did your wife quit working 2 years ago? 

When she did work, what percentage of your joint income did she earn?

There might very well be a reason why she's not wanting sex with you. But in my way of thinking, she is responsible for telling you what the issues are. If she cannot figure this out on her own, then she needs to go to counseling and find out what they are.

If she is truly LD then she needs to get a medical checkup. She could even try supplements like DHEA and progesterone cream that often work wonders.

Then he two of you would have something to work on.

Right now she feels that the stuff you complain about is just you nagging her. It's noise because you have not shown her in a loud and clear manner that you are serious about this. The only way to show here that is to let her know that you will leave her over this.

At this point, I think it's time for you to destabilize your marriage by telling her that you will not stay in a sexless marriage. Either she does the things I mention above and goes to marriage counseling with you or you are filing for divorce.

Plus she has to get a job because you are not willing to support her any longer. Do not let a woman like this continue to not work because it puts you in jeopardy should you divorce. Plus supporting someone who treats you like this is you being a doormat and letting her walk all over you.

The situation you are in reminds me of a WAW situation.. but instead it's walk away husband. The basic characteristic is that you are unhappy about some things in the marriage, have been telling her for years and she ignores them.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. R. Glover.

I think you should consider a sex moratorium. This is where you tell her you are taking sex off the menu for a specific amount of time - maybe 90 days. During that time you should refrain as much as possible from masturbation so it doesn't become a substitute. Everything else is on the table such as hugging, kissing, doing things together, etc.

You and she will both learn some interesting things about the dynamics in your relationship related to sex.


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