# Well... I Guess its really over !



## Gottamoveon (Sep 14, 2016)

Hello All !

New here just wanted to share my story so far , Currently separated from my wife of 16 years we have 1 child son who is 11 I live in Toronto Ontario Canada .We have been separated since January 1,2016 we sold our house and split the profit ,we are currently both renting separate houses my lease is up this January so not sure if I will buy something or just rent for another year until I figured my life out .

Brief history so far :

Dated my wife for 2 years prior to getting married in 2000 I'm 44 and wife is 47 we have had our challenges more than most I think but we always seemed to get through it together ,My wife had several Miscarriages most in the very early stages of pregnancy about 4-5 weeks ,she was able to carry twins until they were 5 months but she also lost them ,After losing the twins we went to a specialist and we started In vitro ( IVF ) this as you can imagine was very expensive so we agreed to sell our house to pay for the process / treatment we sold the house and moved into her mothers house .Gladly the treatment worked and our son is now 11 years old .

My wife as preteen was very involved in sports and was sexually abused by her coach as a result of this she has suffered from depression and her sex drive was low at times I think we just has sex to please me and she never really got into it more of a chore for her sometimes .

During our time living at her mothers house my wife had a EA on facebook with a old high school boyfriend this was about 8 years ago when I discovered the texts I confronted her and him ( I drove to his house and told his wife ) this ended she said she was sorry and of course tried to blame me for not paying attention to her .....needless to say we worked things out 

We eventually moved out of her mothers house and we bought our new house we lived there for 5 years until we recently sold it due to our separation ,We had the usual struggles with day to day life but noting major or at least I thought ,She became cold and distant but I always felt we have been through so much already we would also gets through this ,We did counseling for our marriage and she did counseling for her past abuse .

I don't think she has every gotten over the abuse as she mentioned she doesn't like the feeling of men having power over her .

In October of this year she told me she wanted a separation NOT A DIVORCE but a separation she said she needed to see if she missed me and hoped she could fall in love with me again .We sold our house the 2nd week in October and with a losing date of January so we had to liver together for 2 months ,During these 2 months we really got along great we even slept in the same bed NO SEX ,NO TOUCHING . 

We both moved into our new rentals in January and we both have been there since then ,During our separation I lost about 30 lbs begged and pleaded for her to change her mind sent her poems promised to change all the usual things we do ,I went to therapy to better myself and to deal with my loss .I started going to the gym 5 days a week ,Eating better and visiting friends I di not date as I was no at all ready for anybody else in my life as I still wanted my wife / family back .

After I realized all my begging and pleading wasn't doing me or us any good I slowly backed off and only really discussed important matters and kept conversation to a minimum I told her I cant be her friend anymore as it was too hard for me so please only contact me if it was about our son ,Then guess what happened ...She started reaching out to me calling me texting me wanting to have dinners and hang out said she misses me ..needless to say we did it was great this was in March of this year 

In April of this year my wife went to Jamaica on a vacation with our son ( she needed a break !!! ) this was always a dream of ours as money was always tight .....this crushed me she was taking a experience we could never get back ,Then I started getting texts messages from her while she was there .....I wish you were here ,We miss you ....We bought you a present ....She texted and sent me pictures of everything they were doing .

When they got back we continued to see each other about once or twice a week we were also talking and texting quite often also I slept over at her place once and she slept over at my place once ,Again NO SEX involved we went away for a weekend together to a local resort and had a great time there also again NO SEX we hugged held hands .We talked about our past problems and agreed to work on them we both agreed we both had issues in the marriage and it was not just the other persons fault .

She would say things like :

"I always knew we would get back together "

"She was scared I was going to find somebody else"

She talked about moving back in together and buying a house but she wanted to take things slow. 
We continued seeing each other for about 6 weeks but something wasn't right I didn't feel she was giving 100% so I asked her what was going on then I got the " I tried to get the feeling back for you but I cant " and " I don't think I am capable of loving somebody " and " How can we be married when I don't want / like sex" and finally the " I love you but im not in love with you "

So I was crushed again and I needed to start mourning the end of our marriage all over again this was in August of this year since then I have gone dark I haven't texted her in 4 weeks .I have seen her once when dropping off my son ,I did get a text from her a few weeks ago asking " I wish we could be friends" and her asking why I was acting like this . I did reply with "Because I am still in love but I cant be your friend its too hard for me ". Her response was " I understand "

Not sure what I am expecting by posting this ,I just feels good to get it off my chest .I find nighttime the hardest when I am alone just before going to bed wishing I could put my son to bed and be in a house with my family again . 

She still has not mentioned the Divorce word yet but I suspect in January or sooner it will come up as in Canada you have to be separated for a year before divorce .

I still have feelings for her but I am trying so hard not to contact her ,some days I still break down if I hear a song on the radio or see a movie about a family together the usual triggers I guess I'm still very confused about everything and I have so many unanswered question I wasn't to ask her ,So many things I want to say to her but I know it wont do any good ...I have a feeling this story is not over yet and I can see her reaching out again maybe one more time maybe she wont who knows .

All I can do I say to myself my marriage is over and take things one day at a time . One thing I do know is I would not wish this on my worst enemy everything feels numb some days but I guess in time all that will go away .

Thanks for taking the time to read my story ....like I mentioned earlier I don't think this is the end of this story !! Stay Tuned


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

So who's the other guy? Have you found out yet?

Read the Coping With Infidelity section. There are multiple variations of your story on there.

The "I love you but I'm not in love with you" is a classic line of cheaters. Maybe she is not cheating but chances are she is. Maybe the abuse made her feel like a bad girl and that's the only way she can enjoy sex now; in underhanded ways involving deceit and betrayal.


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## Gottamoveon (Sep 14, 2016)

Yup... I waiting to find out also ,My gut is telling me I will find out soon enough .Then she will probably tell me this was my fault also or she didn't know what she was doing .Hopefully by that time I will have moved on but I doubt it .

Just hard to understand why somebody would throw away there family and almost 18 years of there life ..I wonder some days if she ever really loved me .


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Sounds like you're being kept as a plan B in case A doesn't work out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Good riddance, go prowling for other woman. Once you realize that this world is full of beautiful/single women, you won't care anymore about your soon to be ex. You'll find someone else who is a much better fit and who won't cheat on you.


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## Gottamoveon (Sep 14, 2016)

Agreed. I know there are many other women out there but I am not ready for that right now it wouldn't be fair if I ever meet anybody ,One day at a time ,Let her go is what I keep telling myself .

Just some days my emotions get the better of me these are the days I find it hard not to text her but I haven't done it yet so far so good .


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

OP did you ever try to find out who the OM is yeah there's definitely a another guy in the picture has been for a while, you caught your wife in EA eight years ago so you know she's not going to remain sexless, from what it seems she just doesn't want to have sex with you. while you been separated from your wife majority of this year did it ever dawn on you to find out if there is an OM. Or did you ever ask her if she's seeing someone else? "I love you but I'm not in love with you," that's straight out of the cheaters handbook that equals AP. 

I feel for you buddy hang in there best thing you can use keep posting, The pain and all those horrible thoughts that run through your mind is terrible. As so many here has walked in your shoes, we know your pain.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

She is stringing you along, your plan b. The quicker you realize that the quicker you can move on.


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## WhiskeyVictor (Sep 13, 2016)

She is definitely stringing you along as an option and that is not fair. You should allow yourself to heal, move on and let her do the same.


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

I'm sorry you are here. It is completely unfair that you can't at least have your child half the time. Your marriage is over; you need to accept that. Do that first. Don't worry about whether you text her or not - just recognize the marriage has ended. Try not to dwell on it too much, but do learn what you can from it.

You will be ok. Keep you head about you and keep moving toward the dissolution. And work on you. You deserve to be happy, and frankly so does she, but you won't find that together.

and I hope she isn't cheating, but either way the marriage is done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Check your phone bill.

Read it. You need it.

http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=A0LE..._Guy.pdf/RK=0/RS=D5eKdmg2j54QRp6R8ddmv0bzmRM-


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## Gottamoveon (Sep 14, 2016)

Thanks for all the responses everybody.

I know I need to mourn the end of my marriage but I think that's the hardest part right now ,I know there were bad times in our marriage but my mind right now is only thinking about the good times and what we could of had ..Human nature I guess .

I never thought I would ever be here posting personal information like this about myself but it does help in a way ,My mind wonders a lot when I have some down time and it goes back to our relationship I guess in time this will slowly go away also ,I know that because we have a child together I need to be civil where I can but right now its just so hard .

When I see her or talk to her all the emotions just come running back ,I want to talk to her but I know I cant it's pointless she knows what she is doing and there is not really anything I can say or do to change that .

Our son seems to be adjusting ok but sometimes I wonder if he really understands what is happening and the family we once had is gone ,This part makes me feels the worst but I know we both love him so much that we will make sure he's ok .

There were times in my marriage when I felt very alone ,I should have seen the signs then I guess but I was either to ignorant or naïve is guess . Well like I said to myself many times before ...One day at a time ! 


Again thanks everybody for your comments .....


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

So far you've done all the textbook things to driver her further away.

Do you want to change course?


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