# The 5 love languages



## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

Hello,

Me and my W have had some troubles in our M for some time. We ended upp picking upp the 5 love languages the other week and got to read it.

Turns out that one of us have physical touch as their main love language. This was not very difficult to understand because one of our main problems have been with this part of the M being very one sided. It's almost always the same person that initiates cuddling, touching and sex. 

As you could probarbly deduce our sex drives are different.

Both, however enjoys it when we do anything physical, being it hugs, touching or sex.

However now to my question. Should you initiate sex even if you don't feel like it as a way to fullfill your partners "love tank".

I'm struggeling with this a bit. In one way I Think that you should never have sex unless you want it. However by Reading that book you should do it as an expression of love to your partner.

What are your thougths about this?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

My first thought is..... Do you hold some resentment for some reason OP? Secondly... your partners needs, wants, ect are just as important as your own. Part of a relationship is compromising. Initiating sex or any other sort of physical touch would be a compromise well worth making if you wish to keep the relationship alive and healthy. 

Besides if your willing to make that compromise for your spouse they will be more willing to make compromises that benefit you and fill your love tank as well. Think of it this way. Why would you not want to show your spouse you love them in a way they understand and feel loved?


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

humanbecoming said:


> The only way one person should attempt to do something for their partner is if they can do it without resentment. Initiating sex is a wonderful gift to your "physical touch" partner, if you do it out of love. Doing it with any resentment will be sensed, and will hurt them deeply.
> 
> Just as an aside, you mention the sex drives being miss matched. I want to run with that a bit. Make sure that lack of sex creating the constant need for intimacy is not being mistaken for "physical touch" being that persons LL. I believe this is a very common mistake. A true physical touch person will seek to express love by touching also, not just sex. This will happen at all times, not just when they are trying to get their sex drive satisfied.
> 
> If someone truly has a "physical touch" partner, yes, sex is very important, but so are things like touching in bed, coming up and hugging them randomly, cuddling them, massage, etc. remember the LL is "physical touch" not "constant sex".


Yes, I'm well aware of the physical touch is not only sex but a lot of otherthings as well. What conserns me though is the sex part and how do you go from LD to initiate sex if you don't feel like doing it. 

I also am aware that by giving your parter what they want would hopefully want them to give you what you want and I realy hope that will be the case in my M but how do you move to there from where we are now without getting deeper in tho the s*it.

I mean who here would initiate sex if they don't feel like it in any normal situation.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

What would you classify as a normal situation? I'm hd so I can't say I wouldn't initiate sex ... hell even when I'm pissed off as all hell I would initiate. 

If your not up to sex and don't feel in the mood for yourself.. that's fine and certainly not wrong. I would look at it this way though. If your initiating sex it would be because you want to please your spouse. It would be doing it out of love for them and because you want to make them feel good. Not to mention you would have the added benefit of them making you feel good. 

I hope this helps you somewhat Tom. Like I said.. I'm hd lol


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

Gaia said:


> My first thought is..... Do you hold some resentment for some reason OP? Secondly... your partners needs, wants, ect are just as important as your own. Part of a relationship is compromising. Initiating sex or any other sort of physical touch would be a compromise well worth making if you wish to keep the relationship alive and healthy.
> 
> Besides if your willing to make that compromise for your spouse they will be more willing to make compromises that benefit you and fill your love tank as well. Think of it this way. Why would you not want to show your spouse you love them in a way they understand and feel loved?


Ofcause there are resentments from both parties in my M. I think that is very common if your M is in a bad situation. If you don't feel loved you will start to resent your partner. We are trying to fix "us" though and I don't want to make it worse. 

I beleive that most people are OK with compromising on a lot of stuff. Giving love through all other aspects than sex is a simple. Sex is a lot more difficult to compromise on though. There is a big difference between doing the dishes and having sex. There is a whole different emotional aspect here.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Maybe this would be a better example...


Do I feel like having sex... No. 

Separate question...

Do I feel like pleasing my spouse, making them happy and making their day by surprising them with sex?

That could be a yes or no.


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

Gaia said:


> What would you classify as a normal situation? I'm hd so I can't say I wouldn't initiate sex ... hell even when I'm pissed off as all hell I would initiate.
> 
> If your not up to sex and don't feel in the mood for yourself.. that's fine and certainly not wrong. I would look at it this way though. If your initiating sex it would be because you want to please your spouse. It would be doing it out of love for them and because you want to make them feel good. Not to mention you would have the added benefit of them making you feel good.
> 
> I hope this helps you somewhat Tom. Like I said.. I'm hd lol


I hear you.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

This is true. 

I'm going to suggest you work out the resentment by talking to each other and attending mc and perhaps ic. 

My love language is acts of service. When I show love I do different things falling into this category. In my relationship I had built up alot of resentment so doing these acts of service then became harder and the wanting to do them dwindled. There would be times I flat out refused to do them because of the anger and resentment. 

Things like initiating anything will be so much easier when the reasons for the resentment are worked out.


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

Gaia said:


> Maybe this would be a better example...
> 
> 
> Do I feel like having sex... No.
> ...


That is easy for you since you are HD. Your always likes sex no matter what and you probarbly know that even if you don't have the "urge" atm you will when you start. What if you would not get the "urge". Will sex just be chore for you something that you might resent your partner for "demanding"...

That is what I want to avoid.


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

Gaia said:


> This is true.
> 
> I'm going to suggest you work out the resentment by talking to each other and attending mc and perhaps ic.
> 
> ...


Well we are basically there right now. I've been running on empty for way to long now and have a hard time keeping my nose above the waterline. Anything that goes against me pushes me Deep under and it is getting more and more difficult to get to get above water again.

The good part is that we are talking and both want to make things work. It's not easy though...


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Oh don't think for one minute that I had sex no matter what. When I was pregnant I went straight from hd to nd... No drive. My partner went for a year for each pregnancy without PIV sex. I had three of them. (Yes human I said partner... will post about that in my thread though.)

Even though I didn't have the urge to do anything sexual then... in fact it made me nauseous.. I still wanted to please my partner. It made my day to be able to satisfy him. 

Of course... as stated though.. doing anything is not easy when resentment rears it's ugly head. Work out the resentment issues and initiating will be so much easier because it will then become a want.


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

humanbecoming said:


> Given what you are saying Tom, I would recommend the two of you spending as much time as possible together. Touching like holding hands, cuddling, shoulder/head massages, hugs. This is going to help the phys touch partner, and not be ad difficult on the low drive partner.
> 
> Once you start working together, as you have said you are, 75% of the battle is over. Reading here on TAM, you will see that you have it better than many in that respect, and because of that, please feel good about where your relationship can go from here.


Yes I know I'm a lot better of that most here and I do think our problems are solvable. I guess the first steps are the hardest. Once you get into it things will hopefully get easier.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Oh suprisingly... even though I'm hd... as stated... my love language is acts of service. I may love and enjoy sex but I am not one who will cuddle, hold hands, hug, ect. My spouses love language is physical touch though.


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

Gaia said:


> Oh don't think for one minute that I had sex no matter what. When I was pregnant I went straight from hd to nd... No drive. My partner went for a year for each pregnancy without PIV sex. I had three of them. (Yes human I said partner... will post about that in my thread though.)
> 
> Even though I didn't have the urge to do anything sexual then... in fact it made me nauseous.. I still wanted to please my partner. It made my day to be able to satisfy him.
> 
> Of course... as stated though.. doing anything is not easy when resentment rears it's ugly head. Work out the resentment issues and initiating will be so much easier because it will then become a want.


You seem like a great person. I love your unselfish ways of loving your H. Need to get myself into that more.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

TOMTEFAR said:


> I mean who here would initiate sex if they don't feel like it in any normal situation.


Ok.. I am a physical Toucher and I love







.. BUT there have been plenty of times I was not "feeling it", but I WANTED to feel it/ wanted to get there... does that make sense?? Once you & husband (I am assuming you are the wife) get started touching each other -how does that go over ...*doesn't the desire FLOW.. come upon you ? * 

For me, It ALWAYS does, so yes...a person can start out -just initiating sex because they LOVE & want to bring pure happiness to their partner....then you both win.


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

Gaia said:


> Oh suprisingly... even though I'm hd... as stated... my love language is acts of service. I may love and enjoy sex but I am not one who will cuddle, hold hands, hug, ect. My spouses love language is physical touch though.


I'm a bit qurious about this. 

You are HD but not into cuddle, hugs etc. Is it just sex that you are into. Doesn't the others do anything for your HD?

Does your H's physical touch also express itself into sex or is it mostly cuddle, hugs, etc.

What types of acts of service are you into?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

When he grabs my rear, runs his hands along my sides or presses against me and kisses and nibbles.. that puts me in the mood. Hugs and cuddles are not something I have ever felt anything with in my entire life. 

It's hard to explain... i have just never been a touchy feely person. 

Now the acts of service I have done would be cooking, picking up someone elses mess for them to let them relax, giving massages, serving them food and drink, ect. These are things I enjoy doing for the ones I love. I do them because I want to.


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Ok.. I am a physical Toucher and I love
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I have not disclosed who is the LD and who has the higher drive yet, I'll keep that disclosed for now. I am actually the H.

As for your question. For a "physicla touch" person or somebody with HD I asume you would Always get into the FLOW. But for a LD person or a non "physical touch" person I'm not so sure. I don't want to f*ck things up. 

Hypthetically lets say I'm the physical touch person in my M. I would be afraid of causing resentment in my W by having her initiate when she doesn't feel like it. I would perhaps also myself feel resentment if I don't feel like she is "into" it. That would feel like she doesn't want me and that she just does it to keep the peace.

I want to avoid these problems.


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

humanbecoming said:


> Absolutely Tom. It has to start as a conscious decision on the part of both. You are there now, so the hard part is over. NOW it's doing the details- the "daily grind" so to speak. It sounds like you both are aware of, and willing to fix the problem, so you can get through this.


Yes we are both aware of our problems and hope that we do have a way out of them by following the 5 love languages. I don't want to mess things upp though. So hence my questions to those that have been where we are now.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

TOMTEFAR said:


> Ofcause there are resentments from both parties in my M. I think that is very common if your M is in a bad situation. If you don't feel loved you will start to resent your partner. We are trying to fix "us" though and I don't want to make it worse.














> I beleive that most people are OK with compromising on a lot of stuff. Giving love through all other aspects than sex is a simple. Sex is a lot more difficult to compromise on though. There is a big difference between doing the dishes and having sex. There is a whole different emotional aspect here.


I don't think I would survive with a man who wasn't a Physical toucher or really put that forward, I would get BORED, restless and feel like roomates... just saying. .. Sex is very very important to some people..when a HD and LD get together...it's not easy to overcome... especially if the HD is very sensitive to their lovers desire.. You can only compromise so much - without the High Driver starting to feel something better might be over that fence. Just being honest. 

I could care less about gifts, but the touching, I can't live without that... it is what brings me happiness, as well as emotionally connected orgasms. If your husband feels this way, you won't be able to shake this...without his resentment remaining, or he will just get "NUMB" somehow. 

 Sex is an Emotional NEED...Male sexuality is a central part of who he is as both a man and a husband


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Well firstly... if she initiates and it isn't because she wants sex... it should be because she wants to please you and make you happy... not because she wants to keep the peace. 

Have you told her this is how you felt?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I believe Tom is the H Simply.


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

Gaia said:


> Well firstly... if she initiates and it isn't because she wants sex... it should be because she wants to please you and make you happy... not because she wants to keep the peace.
> 
> Have you told her this is how you felt?


I'm actually a Little ahead of her with the 5 love languages. So we have not had this specific discussion yet. I'm voicing my conserns ahead of time here.


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

Gaia said:


> I believe Tom is the H Simply.


Yes I am the H. Not disclosed who is physicla touch yet though.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I believe this discussion would be best had with your spouse.  Talk with her about it. Don't wait for her to catch up to you. Hell just read it to her and express how you feel and what your concerned about.


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I don't think I would survive with a man who wasn't a Physical toucher or really put that forward, I would get BORED, restless and feel like roomates... just saying. .. Sex is very very important to some people..when a HD and LD get together...it's not easy to overcome... especially if the HD is very sensitive to their lovers desire.. You can only compromise so much - without the High Driver starting to feel something better might be over that fence. Just being honest.
> 
> I could care less about gifts, but the touching, I can't live without that... it is what brings me happiness, as well as emotionally connected orgasms. If your husband feels this way, you won't be able to shake this...without his resentment remaining, or he will just get "NUMB" somehow.
> 
> Sex is an Emotional NEED...Male sexuality is a central part of who he is as both a man and a husband


Thanks for the links. I'll get into them.

As for HD and LD ther is a whole range there. I don't think we are that far apart. It's not like one doesn't want sex at all or like 2 times a year. It's more like 2-3 times a week vs once a month currently. I want to think that we could compromise here though.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

TOMTEFAR said:


> I have not disclosed who is the LD and who has the higher drive yet, I'll keep that disclosed for now. I am actually the H.
> 
> As for your question. For a "physicla touch" person or somebody with HD I asume you would Always get into the FLOW. But for a LD person or a non "physical touch" person I'm not so sure. I don't want to f*ck things up.
> 
> ...


Now your situation sounds like me & my husband at one time, I was too much into our kids, he was hyper sensitive Higher drive at the time - my goodness, he was so passive about







...if I didn't give him some clue to wanting him, he would just roll over... and YES, *he grew some resentment towards ME*... I wasn't even aware it was happening !

The crazy part about it was... I always loved sex, he always got me going -when he went after me....but he REFUSED any thought of being PUSHY, or starting something if I wasn't *"into it"*.....I explain this on that *Resentment* *thread link* -how his resentment grew...he thought I was Low Drive... Boy was he wrong..I may not have fully been in touch with myself... but his view of me was just plain - messed up...

He was just too Passive, too much of a Nice Guy... He needed to arouse my interest more - to get me going...



Gaia said:


> I believe Tom is the H Simply.


 Well he was being very vague, best to let the cat out of the bag in these things to give us a better picture...no worries TOM.... you are totally anonymous and really thousands of other members on this very site has the exact same issue, you are a pebble in the sea.


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

Gaia said:


> I believe this discussion would be best had with your spouse.  Talk with her about it. Don't wait for her to catch up to you. Hell just read it to her and express how you feel and what your concerned about.


I told her yesterday that we need to talk about the book. She said that she will hurry upp and finish it. I'll wait for her. I'm not desperate at the moment we have had a number of good talks lately.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Ah... your just anxious... lol. Well Tom... when you do have that discussion.. be sure to be open and honest about your thoughts, feelings, and concerns with her. If you wish provide an update for us. We really look forward to it.


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Now your situation sounds like me & my husband at one time, I was too much into our kids, he was hyper sensitive Higher drive at the time - my goodness, he was so passive about
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Well we also live with the problem of running our household. 3 kids. Both experience stress from work. More so lately than before.

I do think it will work out. Just wants as few hickups on the way as possible. There is a lot of insight here on TAM and I want some of it 

I was vague and I am still because I want to avoid as many stereotype things as possible. I thought it would be best to not disclose because of that.


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

Gaia said:


> Ah... your just anxious... lol. Well Tom... when you do have that discussion.. be sure to be open and honest about your thoughts, feelings, and concerns with her. If you wish provide an update for us. We really look forward to it.


Yes I'm anxious. I want my M to work and be a great M for both of us.

Should have the first discussion with the W in a day or so. Hopefully she has finnished the book today. She is hoe with a sick child so she should have time for it.

I'll update you.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Here is another Book... that may help ....once you get a handle on the Love Languages...if still there is some misunderstanding in the sexual realm... 

To come to understand our Partner's "Lover style" ..when different from our own...could be a saving grace.....

When Your Sex Drives Don't Match: Discover Your Libido Types to Create a Mutually Satisfying Sex Life  ...also *Exercises *in the back touching on "What I hope for in my Sexual relationship"...."Describing the Mismatch"..."The Cycle of misunderstanding"..."Reasons to stay, Reasons to leave"...



> *There are 10 libido types*:
> 
> *1*. *Sensual*- What you value most is the "emotional connection" a sense of being life partners....your sensual feeling of sexual desire can persist for hours or days, but it is not necessarily urgent unless your partner shows she is in the mood. Pleasing your partner gives you considerable pleasure ~ seeing that  of contentment on her face in the afterglow ... ...greatest satisfaction comes from mutual pleasure - this does not depend on any particular technique or activity.
> 
> ...


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

TOMTEFAR said:


> Hello,
> 
> Me and my W have had some troubles in our M for some time. We ended upp picking upp the 5 love languages the other week and got to read it.
> 
> ...


Yes absolutely. We do things do please our spouses because it makes them happy. Besides once the excuse train leaves the no sex station you will always ask yourself why did I deny myself this moment, Sex is awesome, its cheaper than a counselor and you feel like a winner at the end of it! Its a win win all around!


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I think I relate to 1, 2, 4, and 10 the most.


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

Gaia said:


> I think I relate to 1, 2, 4, and 10 the most.


Now it almost seems like a competition. Who gets most hits.


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Here is another Book... that may help ....once you get a handle on the Love Languages...if still there is some misunderstanding in the sexual realm...
> 
> To come to understand our Partner's "Lover style" ..when different from our own...could be a saving grace.....
> 
> When Your Sex Drives Don't Match: Discover Your Libido Types to Create a Mutually Satisfying Sex Life  ...also *Exercises *in the back touching on "What I hope for in my Sexual relationship"...."Describing the Mismatch"..."The Cycle of misunderstanding"..."Reasons to stay, Reasons to leave"...


I will dive deaper into this. Thanks for the input.


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

Sanity said:


> Yes absolutely. We do things do please our spouses because it makes them happy. Besides once the excuse train leaves the no sex station you will always ask yourself why did I deny myself this moment, Sex is awesome, its cheaper than a counselor and you feel like a winner at the end of it! Its a win win all around!


I just don't want it to backfire and lead into resentmemnt. That would obviously not happen if you get into it. 

I guess I'm most conserned about if it will backfire during the talks before we implement the lessons from the 5 love languages.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

TOMTEFAR said:


> Now it almost seems like a competition. Who gets most hits.


Not in the least. It's not unusual for people to fall into multiple categories. After all... we are complex creatures.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Which reminds me... even though you may have one or two main love languages... do not neglect the others. They are still important.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

humanbecoming said:


> Interesting info SA...I'm definitely #2, and 4 on that list.


Oh My HB.... that is EXACTLY what I pegged myself ...after reading the book - but also Sensual in there ...

This book was a breakthrough in understanding my husband better 4 yrs ago.... once I got it through my thick skull he is just not the *Erotic type*... but more *Sensual* (Romantic, emotional) and *RECEPTIVE* (always)... somehow this was a great relief to me....as it proved he still had plenty of desire... which I was questioning a bit...it just wasn't as OVERT as mine...I needed to let that go - and realize what I was feeling was even "normal" for an *Erotic* .....

I wrote this in another post about the EROTIC -taken from that book -- I bet you can relate some ...


> You need passion, excitement and variety to feel that your relationship is vibrant & sustainable. This means enjoying frequent sexual touch such as fondling the breasts, patting the bottom (SPANKING), stroking the genitals as well as having regular prolonged exciting sex.
> 
> *Downside is this*>> Erotic lovers can be rigid & judgemental . You tend to believe that you are more sophisticated, knowledgeable & flexible than your partner.
> 
> ...


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