# Cancer Situation - Unsympathetic Wife - Opinion Needed!!



## nicholascanada (Aug 10, 2012)

So another example I am trying to figure out if my take on the situation is out to lunch.

Just finished one year cancer journey. Currently dealing with last surgery which affects my bowels.

It has been 6 weeks since surgery. My wife and I have been trying to do more things lately but my bowel issues have made that difficult. Seems like grocery trips has been about it!

So she has been a bit frustrated with that, and I understand. She wants us to do things together, but I am just not up to snuff quite yet.

So five days ago I changed drugs to help my bowels and it has been working better. I went out with a female friend of mine the next day even for dinner. It just happens that my wife decided to again change her mind and mentioned that she did not like me seeing this female friend. I said ok, thats not where we were on the topic before, so we can maybe discuss later and I wont see her after this.

Fast fwd to to today and my wife and I made plans to go out for a few hours. My bowels did not cooperate all of a sudden at the end and I had difficulty trying to leave the house. We finally did and my wife seemed upset and wasnt talking to me.

I asked what was up. She said she was frustrated that I couldnt plan better so we could go out. I reminded her I had taken the same drugs for the last 5 days, but for some reason my bowels reacted differently today and I couldnt get them to stop. She then reminded me that I seemed to have no problem going out on the wknd with my female friend, but today when we finally tried to do something I had these problems. 

I was flabbergasted. I said to her you realize I cannot control my bowels? I did not do anything differently today but for some reason I had a bad day and could not get out of the bathroom. She stayed quiet for the first 10 mins of our trip out, which I did as well since I was speechless in her reaction, and then she finally warmed up.

I just keep having these type of issues with her. I mean, to think that I made no effort trying to go out today and that I bent over backwards or something on the wknd to see my female friend? I have got less than I have hoped for during my cancer journey in support, and even when done now it seems to continue.

I just cant seem to understand why you would say what you did to me when I just had a year of hell, and am only 6 weeks out of surgery. I am not sitting in the bathroom "ruining" our trip out of the house today because I wanted to. I didnt sign up for cancer! lol It seems to always revert back to her, and how she is affected. It seems to come back to her always.

When I was first diagnosed with my cancer, I spent the entire evening consoling my wife because she was upset about me possibly dying. She never at all consoled me or ever said its going to be ok, we'll get through this. When I reminded her recently during a conversation that you have no idea about what happens to your views on life once you go through this, she reminded me she has also gone through lots as she has lived with me having cancer and it being in her house. Hey, I realize it must be amazingly sad and difficult to see your husband go through this, but please , with all due respect, I am sorry, it does not compare to being the one who has lived with this.

Just again today maybe it was just me being jaded after everything that has happened recently with us, but I thought it was pretty bad that my #1 in life made me feel terrible about something completely out of my control, and had no compassion or sympathy for me. Very odd considering she is my spouse.


----------



## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

She seems to only think about how things affect her and no one else. She sounds selfish non empathetic non compassionate, childish and just mean. 

The real question is why do you put up with her?


----------



## lovingsummer (Jul 27, 2012)

Sorry to hear about your cancer  It's good to hear you're getting through it though  

I can understand the lack of support, I recently went through a battery of tests to check for pancreatic cancer and it was so scary for me. I'm very thankful that things came back ok. During this testing time, I was scared to death, I wrote letters to my kids, family, friends, etc. I can't imagine having to go through all of that. My H wasn't very supportive during that time for me, just kept saying oh, you're fine. I was sick as a dog, scared as he!! and hurt that he acted like it was nothing. Eventually he did tell me that he was just as scared and kept putting it off/keeping cool because it didn't want it to be true.

As far as your wife being upset about the dinner, I can see that point too. You two have probably not had a whole of chances to do much together and when you feel well enough to go, it's with someone else. I would feel like I was there for the bad times (cancer treatment) and someone else gets to enjoy the good times. Cancer is not fair, it robs so much from everyone that is involved whether it's the person going through it or the person watching someone they love going through it.  

As far as the bowels go, my H has bowel problems too. He will have times when he literally has to stop right where he is and can not move until it passes. I have learned to give him something to look at if we're in the store or stand there talking to him so he doesn't feel like an idiot just standing there.

Have you talked with your wife and told her that you don't feel supported by her?


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

This strikes me as one of those "dancing about math" situations. Neither of you can fully recognize what the other has gone through. If she senses that you've questioned her support during this, she may have good reason to wonder if you're using your health as a way to create some distance, especially since you did manage to get out with someone else. On the other hand, her position does sound a bit selfish.


----------



## nicholascanada (Aug 10, 2012)

I should add that we have definitely gone out over the last 6 weeks since my surgery. It just has not been for several hours at a time. My dinner with my female friend was 3 hours, and my wife and I have gone out a few times for at least 3 hours in the last three weeks. So not as if my wife and I have not done anything outside the house at all for 6 weeks, then suddenly I go out for 3 hours with my friend. Just to be clear


----------



## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

Much as I agree your wife sounds self-absorbed, I am seeing a huge red flag in 'female friend'. Not accusing you of anything untoward but I can see why your needy and possibly insecure wife is jealous of a long dinner with a female friend. Its not common , I believe, to have long twosome dinners with opposite sex friends when married. Why wasn't your wife included ?

Your wife may be more traumatised by your illness than you think seeing a major threat to HER life and security as well as some concern for you. She is obviously rubbish at giving you the support you need but unless you're going to give up on your marriage you're going to have to work with her , her insecurities and her selfishness and there won't be a quick fix


----------



## Feelingdown (Aug 13, 2012)

nicholascanada said:


> Hey, I realize it must be amazingly sad and difficult to see your husband go through this, but please , with all due respect, I am sorry, it does not compare to being the one who has lived with this.


I don't know about that. I mean, I guess it's easy to say in my situation without experiencing what you've gone through but I think I'd find it significantly harder to watch my wife or a loved one go through this than go through it myself. 

It sounds like she's being insecure and a little childish to me. You need strong characters to deal with stuff like this and she doesn't sound like she is. But I mean she still must have done a lot to look after you during this period right?


----------



## 381917 (Dec 15, 2011)

Hope your cancer is healed. You shouldn't have went out to a 3 hour dinner with a female friend. That's just inappropriate.


----------



## nicholascanada (Aug 10, 2012)

381917 said:


> Hope your cancer is healed. You shouldn't have went out to a 3 hour dinner with a female friend. That's just inappropriate.


She has male friends as well and this has happened on her end. We both trust each other 100%. We see these opposite sex friends prob twice a year. That is not the issue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I'm sorry that your wife has been less than supportive of you through this. My take is that she has no idea how to deal with your illness and being in need of her in ways she may not be capable of providing. Some people are like that... it's easy to say 'in sickness and in health' until one of you gets sick. Know what I mean? She's overwhelmed in different ways than you are.

You both need to understand one another better. Your cancer care is ongoing. It's taking a toll on you both... emotionally and physically (for you). Some things to think about before snapping at one another.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Nick, Both my wife and I are traumatic cancer survivors. Her first, then me. I can tell you from experience, as you must know, it is one of the most stressful times in the life a of a relationship. Both partners are under great stresses during the process from discovery, through treatment and then monitoring for years to come. Living in the limbo of what life will bring each day during the stages, can be unbearable for the strongest. You and your wife are no different than the rest of us. Resentment that one partner didn't pay enough attentions to the other is just something that can destroy a good relationship during this period. Don't let it happen! I know you're going through a lot, but these times are more than enough reason to get the both of you into counselling. I'm sure the medical center where you were treated has services for you or will suggest support groups. Believe me when I say the trauma of cancer affects not just the patient but the whole family. 

God willing, be strong and get well.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

If married relations were a map of the world, cancer is off in a lower corner where it says "Thar Be Dragons". Simply put, it's unknown uncharted territory for almost everyone. There's not a good guide for what normal is supposed to look like. What do YOU think your wife's normal reaction SHOULD be?


----------



## nicholascanada (Aug 10, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> If married relations were a map of the world, cancer is off in a lower corner where it says "Thar Be Dragons". Simply put, it's unknown uncharted territory for almost everyone. There's not a good guide for what normal is supposed to look like. What do YOU think your wife's normal reaction SHOULD be?



So again, I must stress that this has nothing to do with the fact I believe my friend was female. If I had gone out with the "boys", even though I dont have any lol, or a male friend, I would have got the same reaction.

So excellent question Runs Like A Dog.

I think a normal reaction would have been any reaction that did not make me feel like ****. Her tone and words made me feel terrible. As if I made all the effort in the world 3 days ago to go out, and then suddenly told my bowels to start up the day we were trying for a longer outing than the last weeks have allowed. It is ludicrous. I cannot control anything and her words showed no caring whatsoever for me.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

nicholascanada said:


> I should add that we have definitely gone out over the last 6 weeks since my surgery. It just has not been for several hours at a time. My dinner with my female friend was 3 hours, and my wife and I have gone out a few times for at least 3 hours in the last three weeks. So not as if my wife and I have not done anything outside the house at all for 6 weeks, then suddenly I go out for 3 hours with my friend. Just to be clear


Under the circumstances I don't understand why you would spend this precious time with your female friend. I am thinking this is a big reason you are not getting the reaction you were hoping for.

But yes even if you went out with the boys you spent that precious time with other people and not your spouse who is going through this with you.

You were looking for a possible explanation and this is one. It may not fit into what you want it to be.

I wish you well, but would ask that you consider your spouse.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

nicholascanada said:


> So again, I must stress that this has nothing to do with the fact I believe my friend was female. If I had gone out with the "boys", even though I dont have any lol, or a male friend, I would have got the same reaction.
> 
> So excellent question Runs Like A Dog.
> 
> I think a normal reaction would have been any reaction that did not make me feel like ****. Her tone and words made me feel terrible. As if I made all the effort in the world 3 days ago to go out, and then suddenly told my bowels to start up the day we were trying for a longer outing than the last weeks have allowed. It is ludicrous. I cannot control anything and her words showed no caring whatsoever for me.


Nick, your glossing over the point made by Runs Like A Dog and others. Both of you are in uncharted territory. No one acts normal under such stresses brought on by cancer. I don't know how your marriage was before your diagnoses, but even rock solid ones take a beating going through it. You're not living through a 'normal' time. You have faced the idea of death or disability. She has face the idea of death or disability of her spouse. The tension that brings cant be discounted. You're both stressed and may say or do things that the other takes issue to. It is not the time to let resentment in, it is the time to understand and forgive. Stop yourself from falling into this cycle of resentment. Get some help for the stresses you're both going through. Be well.


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Dude, she was pissed because the first time you could get yourself together you went in a date with another woman. That's the real issue there. You couldn't due to health conditions but all of the sudden you can, for another woman. You know how that looks? 

I hope you get better and have the mental availability to think this situation over.



> When I was first diagnosed with my cancer, I spent the entire evening consoling my wife because she was upset about me possibly dying. She never at all consoled me or ever said its going to be ok, we'll get through this.


Yeah, that's called being a man and taking the brunt of the sh!t that happens without expecting much support or acknowledgement. That's just what we do.


----------



## nicholascanada (Aug 10, 2012)

costa200 said:


> Dude, she was pissed because the first time you could get yourself together you went in a date with another woman. That's the real issue there. You couldn't due to health conditions but all of the sudden you can, for another woman. You know how that looks?
> 
> I hope you get better and have the mental availability to think this situation over.
> 
> ...


I guess i should of clarified. My wife and i have gone out for extended periods. This wasnt the case of doing nothing nothing with her and suddenly going out with someone else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

