# Maybe it's Hopeless?



## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

I'm having a tough time right now. My anxiety and depression are being treated with as much medication that I can handle but I'm still not doing well.

My fear is that I'll never be a good wife because I don't understand or can tolerate family dynamics. My father is a cruel man and his presence continues to ruin my life. I could never trust my mother or my father because their behavior was always so sick and confusing to me. I've never learned how to love because I could never let my guard down. I'm always waiting to see who is going to hurt me and trying to figure out how to protect myself. 

My husband was adopted and his parents fought with each-other daily but he always felt they were both there for him. Plus, he is appreciative that they adopted him. He knows how to love and how to trust.

I can't trust anyone - with good reasons. I am so open and honest with my husband about all of my feelings. My father is in the process of divorcing his third wife for the second time. (This is my mothers old friend who he cheated on my mother with.) Each time his marriages start to fail he tries to wangle himself back into my life. He's narcissistic with antisocial tendencies and has destroyed anyone in his path. So I'm always trying to protect myself against him. 

How can I be a good wife if I can't trust and have trouble feeling love?

Maybe it's hopeless?


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Not Hopeless at all.

I'm trying to find the part where you and your husband... are actually having a real problem. Problems with your parents... once their lives start interfering with mine, its time to distance myself. I'm not saying not to love your father, you can do so, but not continue to ruin your life in the process. You sound like you are giving yourself a built in excuse that when things don't work right you can fall back and say, "See, this is what dealing with my father made me do."

No. Unless you are 21 YOs old or something you can't allow your peoples do have that big of a toe-hold on your life. He's affecting your life... cause you are allowing him to. He'll ruin your marriage... because you'll allow him to. Your scarred from a messed up pop, i get that. But you are an adult now, and its time to take charge of your life, and don't let the actions of others dictate your path.

Trust... use your heart and the conman sense that the good lord blessed you with. Judge people from what you see that's before you, and take it with a case by case approach.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

Rob774 said:


> Not Hopeless at all.
> 
> I'm trying to find the part where you and your husband... are actually having a real problem. Problems with your parents... once their lives start interfering with mine, its time to distance myself. I'm not saying not to love your father, you can do so, but not continue to ruin your life in the process. You sound like you are giving yourself a built in excuse that when things don't work right you can fall back and say, "See, this is what dealing with my father made me do."
> 
> ...


Thank you for your support. I don't love my father. I love what I wanted him to be but not who he is. I know it sounds like I'm blaming my dad for all my problems - and I sort of am. If you can't trust your parents who can you trust?


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Enchanted said:


> Thank you for your support. I don't love my father. I love what I wanted him to be but not who he is. I know it sounds like I'm blaming my dad for all my problems - and I sort of am. If you can't trust your parents who can you trust?


Wow, then you've made it easier than for me. 

If you don't love him... they why can't you let him go??? Sometimes... our parents... aren't worth it. Its up to us to "flip the script" and be better. 

Here me out for a second. I loved my father... by he was far from father of the years. I was physically and emotionally abused. Why??? Because his own father treated him like crap. So instead of flipping the script and doing the exact opposite, he learned nothing and was just as, and actually did a worst job on me and my sister. My sister, who was older, ended up with 5 kids out of wedlock, cause she ran away at an early age. Now its my turn to be a father, and i have 3 kids. I've made a conscious decision that the circle of ignorance and wrong doings stops with me. I'm a great father, i'm a great husband.

Now back to you. You are your own person, an individual. What ever emotional damage caused by your father you have to move away from. Why won't you allow yourself to leave that place?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Rob hit it out of the park with his advice

You need to remember that while your dad may have FATHERED you, he really hasn't been much of a father to you.

Natuaral human reaction to a source of pain is to remove yourself from that source of pain

Just as it is a natural reaction to remove your hand from a flame if you get too close, you should distance yourself from your father as much as possible to keep him from hurting you further


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

It's not hopeless I'm proof of that. I had crappy parents who I haven't spoken to in 14 years. I have learned to love and trust. My thought process is why let two horrible people ruin my life?

I read once we give so much power to our crappy parents when if we didn't know them we wouldn't ask them for directions and yet we look to them as if they are gods are something just because they had unprotected sex?

BTW the best thing I ever did was cut contact with my psychotic, narcissistic father. I don't think I could have healed if he was still in my life.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

Rob774 said:


> Wow, then you've made it easier than for me.
> 
> If you don't love him... they why can't you let him go??? Sometimes... our parents... aren't worth it. Its up to us to "flip the script" and be better.
> 
> ...


I've done a good job at covering my tracks so he can't have access to me. He calls and writes my mom every several years when he has nobody else to turn to and tries to upset my life again. It's like a stalker. This has been happening for years and only recently I realized he'll never change. My husband gets so angry at my mom for even telling me about the letters he writes her to give to me. Once my father gets back with his wife or finds a girlfriend I won't hear from him. It's only when he wants to use me that he contacts me.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> It's not hopeless I'm proof of that. I had crappy parents who I haven't spoken to in 14 years. I have learned to love and trust. My thought process is why let two horrible people ruin my life?
> 
> I read once we give so much power to our crappy parents when if we didn't know them we wouldn't ask them for directions and yet we look to them as if they are gods are something just because they had unprotected sex?
> 
> BTW the best thing I ever did was cut contact with my psychotic, narcissistic father. I don't think I could have healed if he was still in my life.


Everytime my dad pops into my life I become very fragmented. I can't make sense of this narcissistic nut job who does nothing but hurt and destroy. He is so evil that he has actually made everyone around him sick. Right now, he's living with his 90 year old aunt, he has no job and no friends. This was the same man who told me I lived in a fantasy world and trashed anything I valued. 

Karma has got him good. I just want him to keep away from me.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My parents were stalkers too. Keeping them away was harder than I thought it would be. Oh and on your mom tell her you no longer want to hear about the letters and if she won't stop back away. Set the boundary. I had to do the same. My husband gets the mail, talks to my sister, etc. I've set it up so that he's is the buffer between them and me. I'm told things on a need to know basis only.

Why do you need to understand him? He's a narcissistic nut job who does nothing but hurt and destroy. What else do you need to know?


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> My parents were stalkers too. Keeping them away was harder than I thought it would be. Oh and on your mom tell her you no longer want to hear about the letters and if she won't stop back away. Set the boundary. I had to do the same. My husband gets the mail, talks to my sister, etc. I've set it up so that he's is the buffer between them and me. I'm told things on a need to know basis only.
> 
> Why do you need to understand him? He's a narcissistic nut job who does nothing but hurt and destroy. What else do you need to know?


You're right. I don't want to know anything. I'm going to tell my mom today that if he calls or writes I don't want to know. No good ever came of his contact. 

I feel so damaged


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Enchanted said:


> I feel so damaged


So do I sometimes but you know what I've still chosen to thrive in spite of that. I'll never be normal but I'm happy with who I am. I have a great husband, 3 awesome kids, a nice home and good friends. Life is good.


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## silentghost (Jan 28, 2013)

My FIL had six kids (3 boys & 3 girls) and he had two favorites ( one daughter and one son) and he was mean to the rest of them. My husband the most. He even held a gun to my husband's head when he was just only fourteen and mad his youngest daughter ( she was about twelve) watch. 

I know this has affected my husband in a mental and emotional way. He's very suspicious of people, quick to judge, and everybody is out to get him. Emotionally....he doesn't know how to express himself lovingly. He quick to give our daughters hugs and kisses...but I'm in the backdrop somewhere to recieve any affection from him. 
My husband had nothing to do with his dad since his parents got divorced in the late 70's. He tried to reconnect in the early 90's but that went quickly 'down the drain' when his dad made an attack against me. 
The funny thing is: at my FIL funeral....all the siblings showed no remorse whatsoever. It was just another social event to them.

Enchanted.....time to leave your dad. He's toxic and poisonous. Life is way too short to have those kinds of people in your life....family or not.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Enchanted said:


> I've done a good job at covering my tracks so he can't have access to me. He calls and writes my mom every several years when he has nobody else to turn to and tries to upset my life again. It's like a stalker. This has been happening for years and only recently I realized he'll never change. My husband gets so angry at my mom for even telling me about the letters he writes her to give to me. Once my father gets back with his wife or finds a girlfriend I won't hear from him. It's only when he wants to use me that he contacts me.


Take his power away!

Do that by simply ignoring him. Right now... he's in your head, and isn't going anywhere. You are not 12 anymore, you are a grown woman. You are his equal not, not someone to be subservient to him. You aren't under his rough, you aren't living by his financial coat tails, so all the influence he's having over you is pure mental. Embolden yourself, and move on.

Your father sees the hand writing on the wall, as mine did. And its not a pretty picture. The end result is a very small funeral, with about 2 dozen people saying goodbye, no one crying, no one really caring.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Rob774 said:


> Your father sees the hand writing on the wall, as mine did. And its not a pretty picture. The end result is a very small funeral, with about 2 dozen people saying goodbye, no one crying, no one really caring.


Agree. My dad died last year and while I didn't attend the funeral I hear it was just as you describe. His two surviving siblings didn't attend and yes they could have if they wanted to same as me. The only family he had there was my mother, sister and one cousin who says after that experience she's done with them too.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

silentghost said:


> My FIL had six kids (3 boys & 3 girls) and he had two favorites ( one daughter and one son) and he was mean to the rest of them. My husband the most. He even held a gun to my husband's head when he was just only fourteen and mad his youngest daughter ( she was about twelve) watch.
> 
> I know this has affected my husband in a mental and emotional way. He's very suspicious of people, quick to judge, and everybody is out to get him. Emotionally....he doesn't know how to express himself lovingly. He quick to give our daughters hugs and kisses...but I'm in the backdrop somewhere to recieve any affection from him.
> My husband had nothing to do with his dad since his parents got divorced in the late 70's. He tried to reconnect in the early 90's but that went quickly 'down the drain' when his dad made an attack against me.
> ...


I can't image how terrifying that must have been for your husband to have a gun put to his head by his own father.

If my father divorces his third wife (again) I'm not sure who'll bury him. But I'm sure that person won't be me or my autistic brother who lives in a group home. My guess is that my dad will stalk online dating sites and look for women he can live with and hope that they take care of him. He's a good con artist, I'm sure he'll get some lonely and depressed woman who'll take him in. 

It makes me sick to think that this is the way I live my life, worrying about being harassed by this man. I'm ashamed of my father and I wish I could rip his DNA out of my body. I'm so glad I never procreated. His genes die with me.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

Rob774 said:


> Take his power away!
> 
> Do that by simply ignoring him. Right now... he's in your head, and isn't going anywhere. You are not 12 anymore, you are a grown woman. You are his equal not, not someone to be subservient to him. You aren't under his rough, you aren't living by his financial coat tails, so all the influence he's having over you is pure mental. Embolden yourself, and move on.
> 
> Your father sees the hand writing on the wall, as mine did. And its not a pretty picture. The end result is a very small funeral, with about 2 dozen people saying goodbye, no one crying, no one really caring.


You're right, he has no power over me. I need to remind myself that I'm not that little girl anymore that he could torment. He brought so much pain and destruction. At this point I doubt there is anyone who go to his funeral.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Here is a book that I really like that helps heal those broken little girl parts that live inside you. I find it very helpful and easy to understand and implement.

Self-Therapy: A Step-By-Step Guide to Creating Wholeness and Healing Your Inner Child Using IFS, A New, Cutting-Edge Psychotherapy, 2nd Edition: Jay Earley: 9780984392773: Amazon.com: Books


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## curious2 (Jan 13, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> So do I sometimes but you know what I've still chosen to thrive in spite of that. I'll never be normal but I'm happy with who I am. I have a great husband, 3 awesome kids, a nice home and good friends. Life is good.


Who is normal?????


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> Here is a book that I really like that helps heal those broken little girl parts that live inside you. I find it very helpful and easy to understand and implement.
> 
> Self-Therapy: A Step-By-Step Guide to Creating Wholeness and Healing Your Inner Child Using IFS, A New, Cutting-Edge Psychotherapy, 2nd Edition: Jay Earley: 9780984392773: Amazon.com: Books


Thanks Mavash. I'll check it out.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

curious2 said:


> Who is normal?????


What I mean is everyday I have to self regulate my emotions. Things other people take for granted I have to work at. I have depressed, crazy thoughts every single day. This for me is managed not cured.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> What I mean is everyday I have to self regulate my emotions. Things other people take for granted I have to work at. I have depressed, crazy thoughts every single day. This for me is managed not cured.


I know what you mean. My emotions go all over the place and I have to watch myself around others to make sure it doesn't show in my behavior.


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