# The motorcycle - is it time to end this?



## cashybum (Aug 16, 2012)

Our relationship has been on the rocks for a while now. I'm pretty sure I'm ending this marriage but I wanted to get other opinions on this to see if I'm over-reacting. We have other issues (emotionally and fiscally) but I'm thinking this motorcycle is the final straw.

On father's day, we went to dinner with my family and my nephew showed up on his motorcycle. He's obsessed on and off about getting this bmw motorcycle since we've been married. Seeing my nephew got his obsession started again and decided he is going to buy one. I said that he should wait until he fixes our arena which should be in the next month or so. 

Let me elaborate: I work from home boarding and training horses. I also give riding lessons. We have a large covered arena but it was damaged in a storm and is now only partially covered which has caused me to cancel several lessons because the footing was too wet and slippery. Insurance gave us $50k to fix it to include the material and labor. It would have been fixed by now but my husband decided that he could do it himself for much cheaper and we could pay off a lot of our debt with the rest which was fine by me. We bought a huge lift and he was going to get his brother come down and help except now his brother won't come and he didn't seem to have a back up plan.

Back to the motorcycle: He decided he was going to buy one this instant. I pleaded with him to wait until the arena is fixed and he said no. I told him that if he bought it right now that we were done and he bought one anyway. He said that he gets a raise next month and we got our ag exemption so our mortgage/tax payment will be less and that these things would cover the payment.

My argument was this:

- You could get hurt before the arena is fixed.
- The arena being down is costing us money and it's making my 50 hour work week in 90 degree weather miserable. (No shade)
a. We need to raise board and I can't do this with a facility that is falling apart.
b. It's ruining our kick walls and footing
c.The excessive flapping and creaking is spooking horses.
- You ignored my request to discuss our finances and made it perfectly clear that we can not sustain this rate of spending.
- There could be unforeseen cost putting up the arena such as major equipment failure. We have a piece of $14000 equipment that is uninsured.. If something bad were too happen we'd rack back up our credit card debt where a bike payment could really hurt us.
- Your raise hasn't happened yet AND we have yet to see a reduction in our mortgage. Besides, your raise is covering inflation/crappy insurance increases.
- It's a slap in the face to our clients when you are spending money on a luxury item when something that is supposed to be included in their board goes unfixed! That's like a landlord who says he can't afford to fix the AC but buys a new car.

Again... after I explained to him that I just wanted to make sure that the arena gets fixed so were not losing money he bought one anyway and I'm going to go see an attorney this week. I should also mention that he wants to take our son across the country next month during his vacation (that he didn't invite me to go) regardless if the arena is fixed or not.

Am I over-reacting?


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

It sounds like there's not much respect left between the two of you. I can't see your other posts, but it sounds like you've been through a lot, and this is the last straw. Don't think I'd blame you. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

I do not think you are overreacting. You made your point clear. You are worried about your job and finances. Word of mouth is important in the service sector. The last thing you need are potential customers being put off by what appears to be a rough looking work area.

Seeing an attorney is the right step IMO. Your husband sounds unreliable and selfish to say the least.


----------



## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

cashybum said:


> Our relationship has been on the rocks for a while now. I'm pretty sure I'm ending this marriage but I wanted to get other opinions on this to see if I'm over-reacting. We have other issues (emotionally and fiscally) but I'm thinking this motorcycle is the final straw.
> 
> On father's day, we went to dinner with my family and my nephew showed up on his motorcycle. He's obsessed on and off about getting this bmw motorcycle since we've been married. Seeing my nephew got his obsession started again and decided he is going to buy one. I said that he should wait until he fixes our arena which should be in the next month or so.
> 
> ...


You have laid down the consequence of divorce and he openly defied you. Either he does not believe you or does not care. 

Have you set boundaries and consequences before that you did not follow through on. If so, he has every reason to believe you are not serious. Following through on your boundaries is a kind of honesty and authentic living. 

I am not telling you that you need to get divorced, just that you need to mean it before you say that. If you did fully, you would not be asking us this question in this way. 

If you really do mean it, as odd as it sounds, filing early in a problem like this can do more to save a marriage than dragging out bargaining and attempting to be as fair as possible--if you are set on this.

You are not over-reacting as fiscal responsibility is a cornerstone of a marriage partnership.

I wonder if he is being passive aggressive about your work? Does he have reasons to resent the investment of money and time into it? Does the horse training/lessons really turn a profit and contribute to the family finances or is more of a support system for your hobby? Please don't take this as a judgement, but these home businesses often do not equate to the benefits you get from full time employment. That said, you seem to be very busy with it and have a large operation.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

If divorce is a real option to you then he might change once he's losing you. Nothing short of that's going to fix GK (grown kid) syndrome.


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Did he finance the cycle? Do you live in a community property state? I work at a Harley dealership and I have seen more than one guy who just has to have the bike today. It does depend on the state but in mine unless the spouse signs the deal its not a legal deal.


----------



## cashybum (Aug 16, 2012)

Thank you for the responses. I've been looking up attorney's and doing research. Sadly, it's going to get messy. My husband and I built our business on the property I grew up on and then bought it from my parents less than a year ago. He wants to keep the house and says I could still run the barn (at a minimum capacity) as we would have to sell all our equipment that helps me do my job.

All I can think of is #1 How did we get here? What did I do wrong? Why did he choose a motorcycle over me? #2 Only seeing my son half the time.. #3 Having to come pick up my son only to see some woman living the life I helped build. #4 I want to hate him soooo badly but I can't help but love him. I hate that he can't love me the way I love him. I want to hate him for the fact that he is the one that pushed for the barn... that encouraged me to stay and home with our son and wants to take it all away but I can't. Not being able to see my son whenever I want almost makes life not worth living. Before I go to bed, I go into my son's room to check on him and watch him sleep. I just marvel at how much you can love someone. It makes me sad that we were so close to being "done" with building our business that I was actually starting to look forward to having another baby and now I'll probably never get to. There is just so many losses... I would give anything to get off of this emotional roller coaster.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Why the hell should HE stay in the house?


----------



## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

He seems selfish, immature and uncaring.

Oh, midlife crisis without a doubt.

Be Strong. Good Luck.

VH


----------



## cashybum (Aug 16, 2012)

He makes considerably more money than I do and he knows I most likely wouldn't be able to afford to stay by myself so his line of thinking is "She can't afford it but I can... it would be a shame if we were both to lose everything we worked so hard for..." He thinks he's a knight in shining armor for "letting me keep my horses here or run the barn if I still want to"

Is it wrong to think that if I can't have it then he can't either? I don't think I could ever come back if I lose it. I can't come back to see everything I lost every single day. Especially if another woman was here. I don't know how I would live somewhere where my son isn't.


----------



## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

cashybum said:


> He makes considerably more money than I do and he knows I most likely wouldn't be able to afford to stay by myself so his line of thinking is "She can't afford it but I can... it would be a shame if we were both to lose everything we worked so hard for..." He thinks he's a knight in shining armor for "letting me keep my horses here or run the barn if I still want to"
> 
> Is it wrong to think that if I can't have it then he can't either? I don't think I could ever come back if I lose it. I can't come back to see everything I lost every single day. Especially if another woman was here. I don't know how I would live somewhere where my son isn't.


Since you did not answer my question directly I am going out on a limb here. perhaps he is resentful for everything that has been invested in the horse training business? Maybe he views all that money spent not so much as a business but more your hobby. He might resent the sacrifices for it, especially for the return, and feel that the motorcycle is a perfectly reasonable purchase considering how much he contributes?. Maybe this is him setting boundaries the relationship for his own sanity and standing firm. In his mind, if he relents, perhaps he will feel he will always be a slave to your horse hobby? 

From what I know of my friends that are "horse people", and how expensive they are, and even the marital problems they can create, this seems very plausible and all the more so since the question I asked about this earlier went unanswered.

Does the horse training/riding lesson business pay for itself?

How much does profit/loss annually?

How much does it make with respect what you might make employed in a career, especially versus the costs facilities, insurance, animals, vet bills, ect.?

Apologies if this does not apply, but my instincts are firing in this direction.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

*Re: Re: The motorcycle - is it time to end this?*



ScrambledEggs said:


> Since you did not answer my question directly I am going out on a limb here. perhaps he is resentful for everything that has been invested in the horse training business? Maybe he views all that money spent not so much as a business but more your hobby. He might resent the sacrifices for it, especially for the return, and feel that the motorcycle is a perfectly reasonable purchase considering how much he contributes?. Maybe this is him setting boundaries the relationship for his own sanity and standing firm. In his mind, if he relents, perhaps he will feel he will always be a slave to your horse hobby?
> 
> From what I know of my friends that are "horse people", and how expensive they are, and even the marital problems they can create, this seems very plausible and all the more so since the question I asked about this earlier went unanswered.
> 
> ...


As someone who financially supports a "horse person" , I would be curious about this too.


----------



## changedbeliefs (Jun 13, 2014)

Maybe after years of working a reliable, more lucrative career, and funding your recreational one, he just wanted a treat for himself, gasp, before setting into putting hours and hours and hours of backbreaking work toward YOUR job, which he volunteered to do because he sees the insurance money as a way to finally pay off the debt your business piled up while running at a loss.

The guy wants a bike, his controlling wife lays down the unreasonable line of, "buy that bike and we're getting a divorce," and everyone jumps on the fact that the guy didn't "obey" this little edict, and now paints him as uncaring, selfish, "grown-kid" syndrome... Jesus, people, presumptuous much?

Meanwhile, on other forums, people drone on about how important it is to keep your promise of your vows, better or worse, you have to work hard at this, blah, blah, blah.....but a motorcycle purchase not agreed upon?? Dump that loser!! Has anyone entertained the fact that, something that can be stressed, strained, fractured or broken in so many different ways.....maybe it's the thing itself that's the problem, and not the participants??


----------



## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Hey, now- Changed, I think you're reading an awful lot into things, here. OP is not the source of the problems.

In fact, if you'll go back and read the second paragraph of her first post, you can see that she honors and cherishes her husband. I mean, on Father's Day, I can't think of anything I'd rather do than have dinner with my wife's family. I mean, I'd feel kind of awkward, being the center of attention if it was just my wife and kids and me on Father's Day. NOTHING beats a Father's Day meal with your wife's Father.

Besides, OP really loves her husband's money. But what kind of woman would she be, if she was satisfied with a husband who spent money he made on a motorcycle, when he could have plowed those extra thousands of dollars into her hobby?

OP, I think you're making the right decision by getting an attorney and starting things in motion. You will end up with exactly the man you deserve.


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Yes you are reading too many things into actions at the moment, he didn’t choose the bike over you. He put his wants over all else including your childs. You received an insurance settlement for the damage to the barn which should have covered the repairs. 

You used the money to eliminate debt, then he turns right around and gets you back into debt with a cycle purchase. He justified the decision based on a raise he may or may not get. He is robbing peter to pay paul, he will most likely only get the ag exemption if her horse business is running so he is banking on a lower payment which again may or may not happen. 

Does any of this make sound money sense to anyone? He might resent the horse business, who knows, but that would have little to do with his spending habits. He has basically rendered her irrelevant in the marriage and he has done such a swell job of it, he is going on vacation next month….without her. 

I do think she should speak to a lawyer and discuss what her true legal options at this point are. He is already telling her he will keep the house, sell equipment etc etc., again all what he wants.


----------



## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

honcho said:


> Yes you are reading too many things into actions at the moment, he didn’t choose the bike over you. He put his wants over all else including your childs. You received an insurance settlement for the damage to the barn which should have covered the repairs.
> 
> You used the money to eliminate debt, then he turns right around and gets you back into debt with a cycle purchase. He justified the decision based on a raise he may or may not get. He is robbing peter to pay paul, he will most likely only get the ag exemption if her horse business is running so he is banking on a lower payment which again may or may not happen.
> 
> ...


Perhaps. There is a lot we don't know. While his financial decisions do not seem brilliant, the whole picture changes if the horse business is in the red. Recovering some of the investment and not pouring further cash into the horse business may be financially sound.

There are two sides to every story and I feel like there is not a enough facts laid out to conclude much of anything objective or useful.


----------



## cashybum (Aug 16, 2012)

Scrambledeggs is right on several factors.. He really does resent our business because of the amount of work he's put into it. However, it was him who pushed me in this direction and it just kept getting bigger. He had a horse once... who his dad sold while he was in boot camp. I don't remember if we were even engaged yet when he started building the barn. I didn't have much money making $12 an hour at the time but with what I did have, I tracked down his horse and had to buy and train 3 horses from another state to trade for his two (his and his brother's horse had to come as a pair) and surprised him and his brother on his birthday. I bought him a custom saddle and all new tack for her to just say thank you for building my barn. When our son was a month old, I had him attached to the boob while driving the tractor and drilling holes for my arena posts. I put on like 700-800 fence clips during Texas summer. Painted everything he built. This guy worked so amazingly hard but he forgets my role in things because I don't generally advertise my tasks to my spouse expecting some sort of award. He did considerably more hard labor than I did BUT my role in this is a lifetime of hard work. I typically work 40-50 hours a week outdoors with bratty kids and 1200 bratty horses but all he sees is my horse running through a fence that I had to wake him up to fix and cost us $650 to stitch him up... All he sees are the bad things and the things I don't do. Also in my defense folks... a lot of that hard work he put in I paid him for with sexual favors (but clearly not enough in his book)The only thing left for us to really do on the business besides repair the arena is put up an end wall, put in more stalls in the arena and a small place for live on site help. I want to house someone to do the chores and maintenance so he doesn't have to.

Sorry I rambled on and on... Long story short.. Yes our business is now making money but not much. $25-30k if you don't count our mortgage but it's improved every year. In 4 years it will double.. In 10 years or less I would make what he does if not more when all of our barn stuff is paid off. 

I should've also mentioned that he had his little mid-life crisis in January and spent 5k on guns and other crap and bought his fancy Audi which is another reason I felt justified in my ultimatum. 

I made an appt to see an attorney on Thursday. I'm scared to death. I also looked into going through a 16 week training program starting October to do exactly what my husband does.. I figured if I make what he does I might stand a chance of keeping my house. I wouldn't be doing what I love as much but at least I WILL NEVER HAVE TO DEPEND ON A MAN again.


----------



## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

cashybum said:


> Also in my defense folks... *a lot of that hard work he put in I paid him for with sexual favor*s (but clearly not enough in his book)
> 
> I made an appt to see an attorney on Thursday. I'm scared to death. I also looked into going through a 16 week training program starting October to do exactly what my husband does.. I figured if I make what he does I might stand a chance of keeping my house. I wouldn't be doing what I love as much but at least I WILL NEVER HAVE TO DEPEND ON A MAN again.


Make sure you let hubby pay for most of your 16-week training course, you strong, independent woman!


----------



## cashybum (Aug 16, 2012)

NotLikeYou said:


> Make sure you let hubby pay for most of your 16-week training course, you strong, independent woman!


Passive aggressive much?


----------

