# My husband needs to feel "safe"???



## Isabellam (Aug 23, 2010)

Hi everyone,
I have a big issue, my husband has no real desire to have sex at all. we have been having issues for a very long time and the other day finally talked about some of them. He told me that he needed to feel safe to want more intimacy. 

I don't know what that even means, or what to do. It's been over two months since the last time (which I initiated and he said he felt weird about). I am just not sure what to do on this topic. I know that we had a lot of problems, but I am not sure how much longer I can go on hearing my husband tell me that he does not have an interest in sex. How am I supposed to initiate anything after hearing that?
I hate to have to look for it ouside the marriage. Help!


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

Feel safe? No offense but that sounds like a very womanly thing for him to say. I can't even begin to figure out what exactly he might mean by that. Maybe you should ask him point blank what you can do to make him feel better about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BeanCounterWife (Mar 17, 2010)

Have you ever had a healthy sex life? Is this something that has come up recently?


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## Isabellam (Aug 23, 2010)

I agree. We have been dealing with this issue for too long. He won't initiate anything and told me yesterday that he thougth I would try something. That I need to get him interested. Just seems unfair and a bit absurd. We are in marriage counseling, but I am not sure it is helping in that department.

I am very frustrated at this point. In more ways than one.


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## BeanCounterWife (Mar 17, 2010)

Could he be gay?

It's not that unusual--my ex-Husband was gay.


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## nikon (Nov 9, 2009)

It sounds like he's gay to me... Did he explain what he meant by feeling safe? Emotionally or physically? How long have you had these problems for?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Needs to feel safe??? Have you been bringing firearms and knives to bed? Do you live in Beirut? I'm not sure what he's talking about. Maybe the torture rack, whips, and chains are frightening him (LOL). I don't mean to make light of the guy's plight, but I honestly don't understand it. I might not be able to perform if the house was actually on fire or mortars were falling around me, but I've never been too scared to have sex. Not sure what that's all about. Sorry.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Have you criticized his performance or brought up issues in bed? It sounds as if he's either afraid of getting hurt by you again for some reason, or that he's harboring resentments. Ask him what "safe" looks like for him and let him know you are willing to work on that if he is willing to work on becoming more involved in satisfying your physical needs as a husband and wife should do for each other.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Isabellam said:


> Hi everyone,
> I have a big issue, my husband has no real desire to have sex at all. we have been having issues for a very long time and the other day finally talked about some of them. He told me that he needed to feel safe to want more intimacy.
> 
> I don't know what that even means, or what to do. It's been over two months since the last time (which I initiated and he said he felt weird about). I am just not sure what to do on this topic. I know that we had a lot of problems, but I am not sure how much longer I can go on hearing my husband tell me that he does not have an interest in sex. How am I supposed to initiate anything after hearing that?
> I hate to have to look for it ouside the marriage. Help!



what kind of problems?


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Ok, being that I'm a woman, I am looking at this from a female standpoint. I never felt safe sexually until I met my boyfriend. What I mean by that is that I didn't feel safe to explore my fantasies, my thoughts, my sexuality, until I met him. Anything I ever thought about doing sexually...I never felt safe to even tell former partners about. Part of that was fear that they might take it too far, part of it was fear that they might judge me, laugh at me, or think poorly of me. When I met my boyfriend, he was the first guy that I felt I could safely say "I want to..." and that not only would he not judge me, but he would also be willing to do that with me and would listen to me and not push for too much or take it to extremes. 

Given that that's how I feel, I would think that him saying he doesn't feel safe, he either means he doesn't feel he can share with you things he wants to do for whatever reason, or...perhaps he has shared something with you in the past, and got a strong negative reaction from you that has made him uncomfortable ever since. Or, as someone else said, maybe there's been a time where he had trouble performing and you said/did something, even unintentionally, that led him to think you were making fun of him or something along those lines. 

But honestly, the only way to know what he means is to ask him. He's the only one inside his head, therefore he's the only one who can tell you what he means. Find out what he means, and then the two of you can discuss what you can both do to help him feel safer.


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## rotor (Aug 28, 2010)

Here, let me run this through the male to female translator. 

By "safe" I would be willing to bet he means that he has no clue how to pleasure you and that he would like for you to better communicate your likes and dislikes in the bedroom. Not a bad problem to have if you ask me.

By him asking you to "initiate" it means that he wants to feel that you are there because you are honestly into the moment (and him) and not just going through the motions.

Look the thing is, guys are not mind readers so you have to communicate to us what you want. Sure there are those guys that fit the stereotype of wham bam thank you mam, but there are also a heck of a lot of other guys that are very concerned about our partner’s pleasure and it can be quite frustrating trying to please someone that does not communicate what they want.

For example do you want a night of steamy animal sex or the soft sensual approach? Either way is valid. If the guy gets his wires crossed and goes for steamy animal sex when you want soft and sensual you are looking at a train wreck where you will probably experience pain and he comes away feeling like he violated his partner. By the same token if he goes for soft and sensual approach when in fact you want steamy animal sex, you are not fulfilled and he comes away feeling inadequate because he can tell. Can you understand the sort of turmoil this can create in a person?

No the guy is not weird and he is not gay. He just wants to know what you want.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

My husband said a similar thing except in a slightly different context, he said "I don't feel safe talking and sharing certain things with you because you use them against me." 

I asked him to explain and he did. He used an example of some homemade chicken salad I made (now I know that's crazy, but it did get his point across - some of us are simple, ya know!).

He said when I asked him how the chicken salad was, he said it was good, said he couldn't tell me it was great, because then he would be eating chicken salad for the next month! His point being - I need to just take things as they were said and not try to analyze them, fix them or even offer advice, if not asked - just listen and don't make what is said the focus of my day or week - just let it be and process it and go about my business.

So I think that might be what he is referring to - he needs to feel safe that he can spend time with you, talk with you about things, etc., and he gets a favorable response - no arguments, defensiveness, denial, discussing it to death, bringing it up days or weeks later, etc. My husband said he felt "pressured" to have sex and that it seemed to be all I think about - maybe so, but when it's 90% of the problem, instead of 10%, it takes over everything.

So I'm trying to meet more of his emotional needs to bring him closer to me which in turn will make him want to be physically intimate with me more, he has resentment from things in the past (has admitted this) and he needs to process them in his time (not mine), I'm just gently trying to prod it along and have told him that I want to move forward, with him, and not stay in the past - he has been more open and affectionate lately because I don't hold what he says over his head.

A good case in point. Out of nowhere my husband broke down last night. Started crying (only seen him cry once in 25 years), telling me how much he loved me, how lousy he was at showing it, but he didn't want to be without me and truly did love me and was trying, but knew that he wasn't the husband he should be but that he truly loved me - he was affectionate, kissing, hugging, rubbing on my back and kept this up pretty much all night (I didn't get much sleep) - but, I can tell you - repeating what he said back to him, thanking him for being open, etc., doesn't work for him - I just have to process everything that happened and deal with it myself - I KNOW how hard that must have been for him, and I love him for it - just can't throw it back in his face so he feels "safe enough" to do it again!

Sorry for the ramble, but this really hit home for me, especially since I'm going through a similar issue and my husband actually opened up to me last night, on his own and without my prodding - so I'm really having a good day and I truly feel loved and cherished and haven't for a long time!! :smthumbup:


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## justme1956 (Aug 31, 2010)

Does he think that you are fooling around?.. by "safe" does he mean he doesn't want to catch any VD's...


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If he were female, his "safe" comment would make more sense. Maybe rather than try to decipher what he meant, perhaps you might ask him what he would like for you to do make him feel safer.
My wife has depression/bipolar and sometimes she's distraught and just can't explain her emotional needs at all with words. If he's functioning normally, he ought to be able to articulate his needs in a way you understand. You might just tell him you understand his need to feel "safe" but you don't know what that means. You don't know if he needs a reflective vest, safety glasses, and skidproof shoes or if he fears abandonment, pregnancy, veneral disease, betrayal, or what. You'd like to improve the relationship but your crystal ball is in the shop.


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## nikon (Nov 9, 2009)

unbelievable, i love your replies. you should have your own column in the newspaper.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Someday I will....in the obituary section.


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## yogachick (Aug 9, 2010)

It's possible he has sexual trauma in his past. I would ask him if anything ever happened to him when he was a child. I recommend you ask it when he is feeling very relaxed, connected, and safe with you and in a very soothing voice.


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