# Great sex then we got married?



## hopelessromantic (May 12, 2011)

Me and my wife dated for 8 months and had a great sex life then we got married and things came to a stop.We still have sex but not nearly as often and its not anything like it was before.She almost treats it like a chore similar to doing the dishes.Did she just trick me into getting married then the real her show or or what..Im confused..


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

yes. There's nothing confusing here. You took the cheese, the trap has sprung and that, my friend, is that.


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## Zaphod (Jun 1, 2011)

hopelessromantic said:


> Me and my wife dated for 8 months and had a great sex life then we got married and things came to a stop.We still have sex but not nearly as often and its not anything like it was before.She almost treats it like a chore similar to doing the dishes.Did she just trick me into getting married then the real her show or or what..Im confused..


In the market place we call that "bait and switch". And yes, it does happen with somewhat alarming frequency in regards to marriage. 

When I was in the military, oh so long ago, I recall overhearing a conversation between four women in my apartment. No, I wasn't Joe Stud, it was a shared apartment with 5 other guys and these were their girlfriends or potential girlfriends in waiting. 

Anyway, due to a party the night before that involved me, somehow, falling asleep in the closed hall closet in a winter sleeping bag in the height of a Texas summer, I was privy to a conversation happening just as I awoke. I lay there half asleep and rubbing my eyes in the dark ("Where was I? Was I blind? Why does this feel like the feather heat hell?") and the girls were chirping outside in the front room (just feet from me).

I'd say that names were changed to protect the innocent, but fact is I cannot remember but one of their names (none were my girlfriends nor girls in waiting).

Girl 1: "You know, Unnamed Innocent Party Guy isn't doing what I want him to regarding XYZ and I'm not sure how to get him to change his mind"

Girl 2: "Have you tried using sex as a weapon?"

Girl 3: "Yeah, that always works!"

Girl 1: "What? I love Josh, why would I do that to him...?"

Girl 2: "Let me explain...."

and so on, with vast tracts about how guys only think with their members, how women hold the upper hand, and how it's a woman's right to get what she wants and a man's duty to deliver and if not, then off with access to the booty, etc.

Utterly disgusting. Girl 4 didn't say a word until the end, and she restored some of my faith in the female of the species, which had been shot to hell by that one conversation.

Girl 4: "That's revolting and immoral! How dare you treat another person like that, especially somebody you claim to love!"

Girl (don't know): "gasp!"

Girl 4 gets up and leaves the apartment.

The point of this is that there seems to be some not so small segment of women who have no shame about using sex to get what they want. Bait and switch is a valid tactic in their book.

Caveat: This is not indicting all or most women. This is stating that there exists a sizable group of women for whom this kind of deception, lying and hateful behavior is totally okey dokey.

I know where you're coming from bro. Same happened to me. You may (I don't know, not enough information to go on) have a chance still. If you don't have kids with her, then get out now. Seriously. Get out. Maybe try a bit of counseling, but honestly it sounds like outright deception. If you cannot trust her from the get go, there is no relationship to be had besides one of pain. 

Run brother. Run.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi romantic ~

Well, while I'm sure there are some women in the world that may qualify for doing a "bait and switch" after marriage, let's hope your wife isn't one of them and look at what some other reasons could be for her changing.

When it comes to sex, men and women can have very different viewpoints. In general, men have very strong desire and a lot of that is driven by the tremendous amount of testosterone they have in their bodies. Women, having a lot, lot less of that wonderful hormone, usually aren't able to compete on the desire front solely on the basis of that. For women, it is very emotionally connected (not that it can't be for men as well). But, sometimes little things that you may not even think about - can really build up as little resentments in your spouse and that can dampen your attraction to her. What is it they always say - men need sex in order to feel intimacy (emotional intimacy), and women need intimacy before they can have sex? It's true in many cases.

Question time:

How old are you and your wife?

Have you discussed this with your wife? What is her stance on it?

Is she on any kind of hormonal birth control or anti-depressants? These can be big libido killers.

Are you sure your wife is being sexually satisfied? Is she REALLY having an orgasm (studies show that men think their partners orgasm much more often than the partner really does)?

Are you sure your wife is being satisfied outside the bedroom? Do you know what "love language" both of you speak, and do you try to meet hers?

Only 8 months in is not a time to just cut and run. The first years of a marriage can often be bumpy as you try and learn about and adjust to each other. You need to investigate and figure out what is really going on before just throwing in the towel.

God Bless.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

There is avery good chance she used sex to get what she wanted.
Now she is using lack of sex to get something else she wants.... Which is a controlled husband. You have to tie sexual fufillment into keeping her marriage. Don't have kids.


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## Zaphod (Jun 1, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Hi romantic ~
> 
> Well, while I'm sure there are some women in the world that may qualify for doing a "bait and switch" after marriage, let's hope your wife isn't one of them and look at what some other reasons could be for her changing.
> 
> ...


I have to disagree. The immediate change in behavior after getting a desired goal does not speak to me of somebody suddenly, just a couple of weeks after marriage, forgetting how to "communicate love" to his newly wed bride. Over years that can happen, clearly, and that's where that kind advice is pertinent in my honest opinion. Assuming the OP didn't decide that it was time to start beating/berating/domineering his wife the moment the ring went on the finger (is this true OP, did you make any big changes in how you act, or not?), then I doubt seriously it's some kind of diagnosis more appropriately fitted to a relationship that has weathered quite a few years.

Personally I've seen the bait and switch in action, and I'm not talking about my situation. Before the marriage, perfect sexual compatibility, within *weeks* or even *days* of the marriage, suddenly "there's no need for that now, I'm married, sorry". A buddy of mine told me that his newly wedded bride told him on the wedding night, the wedding night yet (!), that bj's were things done before marriage, not after.

I will concede that I do not have a lot of information from the OP. If he made a similar change in how he treats her in such a short period of time, then yes, I'd go with what you're saying. If he hasn't, if he's still in "newlywed snuggy huggy lovey dovey" mode like most folks are this soon into the marriage, then I'm going to call a bait and switch and stick to it. 

We'll see how the OP responds I guess is all we can do at this point.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Zaphod said:


> I will concede that I do not have a lot of information from the OP. If he made a similar change in how he treats her in such a short period of time, then yes, I'd go with what you're saying. If he hasn't, if he's still in "newlywed snuggy huggy lovey dovey" mode like most folks are this soon into the marriage, then I'm going to call a bait and switch and stick to it.
> 
> We'll see how the OP responds I guess is all we can do at this point.


@ Zaphod ~ Yes, four or five terse, short sentences from the OP are not enough to go on to be able to determine what is going on in their relationship. I felt it best to err on the side of caution and start asking questions first before jumping to a conclusion, imho. I don't feel comfortable being judge and juror on someone who doesn't have a voice here. 

It could just be that neither one of them communicated their expectations regarding what they wanted out of their sexual relationship after marriage - something that many couples do not do.

My husband pulled a bait and switch on me (he even admits this). We did not discuss the sexual side of things prior to marriage and I just assumed that the intimacy we had prior was what it was going to be like. After marriage, I still had the same expectation, but he believed something very different after we were married.

But, you know what they say when you assume something?


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## Zaphod (Jun 1, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> @ Zaphod ~ Yes, four or five terse, short sentences from the OP are not enough to go on to be able to determine what is going on in their relationship. I felt it best to err on the side of caution and start asking questions first before jumping to a conclusion, imho. I don't feel comfortable being judge and juror on someone who doesn't have a voice here.
> 
> It could just be that neither one of them communicated their expectations regarding what they wanted out of their sexual relationship after marriage - something that many couples do not do.
> 
> ...


Call me strange though, but it seems logical to assume that the sexual relationship will not be the opposite of what one had just prior to the ring being put on the finger. Why would one assume otherwise? This is love we're talking about (granted, ostensibly), not a business contract where we spell out when, how often, type and frequency of a given sex act as if we're circus animals being set up for a specific performance cycle?

I know what you're saying here in a sense, but really 8 months in and everything changes? That just doesn't seem rational by any standard, excepting of course if he changed himself 180 degrees as well. IF (all caps there) he hasn't, then it seems to me that discussion or no discussion, she pulled a bait and switch. One should not have to assume that things will be 180 degrees different sexually within weeks after a marriage. It defies common sense and even common decency we have towards one we claim to love.

Put another way, I wouldn't date somebody, passing myself off as a nice, understanding, libertarian minded, casual, fun loving agnostic type of fellow, then within ten minutes of the ring being slipped on tell the newly wed bride "Oh, by the way, I'm a fundamentalist Muslim, and you are now expected to wear a hijab, you're not allowed out of the house without one nor without a male escort, and by the way you will submit to me in all things, oh and also you will no longer communicate with any males excepting your father, brothers and uncles.". That's a bait and switch. Same thing here, again assuming he didn't change anything on his end. Sometimes, assumptions are not something that should be automatically wrong. My children assume that I won't beat them daily with a leather whip, for example. That's a valid assumption. Same for sex not going 180 within weeks of a marriage all other things being equal.

Dunno. Need to see what he answers I reckon'. If he confirms that he's changed nothing and was still in the snuggy wuggy baby pie oogey woogey sacharrine stage we all go through as newly weds, then I'm not going to consider what she did as something valid and a result of not negotiating a contract beforehand. Just my take.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Are you SURE this is what happend? I have never heard of this before.......


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I will try to stay out of this but this sort of happened to me. Like a light switch flipping. No just sex though, in a few different dimensions.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

happened slowly over time to me, so i cannot call it a bait and switch. but i ended up in the same place. alot has happened over 20+ years (no infidelity), i guess it has just added up to zero


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Well she is pregnant according to your other post. That could have an awful lot to do with it!


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

romantic ~

Can you give us some more information? You have some prior posts that indicate this is your third marriage and that you feel you are making the same kinds of mistakes that you made in your past ones. You indicated you felt insecure and jealous. You also mentioned that your wife was pregnant back in a post in May. I think that some or all of these things could be causing your wife to pull back.

Firstly, being pregnant is not always a grand experience for many women. It is possible that she could just not be feeling very well.

Secondly, if you have insecurities because your first wife cheated on you, and jealousies about your current wife's past experiences, you could literally be smothering her. That does not attraction make. Here's a good thread to read through and see if you can see yourself in it: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Zaphod said:


> Caveat: This is not indicting all or most women. This is stating that there exists a sizable group of women for whom this kind of deception, lying and hateful behavior is totally okey dokey.
> 
> .


I find this post to very hard to believe. I've never heard such a conversation in my life.

I do agree with TRBE and I will say that if she is pregnant this could be why and very much beyond her control. From someone who has a very good drive, I had none while pregnant. 
I cannot even describe how I felt but it sure wasn't like having a quicky. I certainly wasn't baiting anyone.


Sometimes people need to gain some empathy really. 

Give your wife a break and be gentle about this issue, and certainly be kind after she gives birth it can take a while for things to get back to normal. If she hasn't improved a year after giving birth then I would say you need to take some steps and do something about it.

And does she have morning sickness etc?


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## Zaphod (Jun 1, 2011)

Syrum said:


> I find this post to very hard to believe. I've never heard such a conversation in my life.


It happened. What was shocking to me, at the time, was that I actually heard something like that. I've since never, ever, not even once heard anything like it again. In fact, truth be told, I don't think I've ever since been privy to any other "girl only" conversations come to think of it, it was a fluke chance more than anything else.

A friend of mine (female) tells me that sometimes when women friends get together without their husbands around, they absolutely trash their husbands in ways that are nasty, hateful, mean and borderline sociopathic. I myself, have never heard this first hand, but she says it happens from time to time. Since she has the experience and I've no reason to think she'd lie to me, it seems logical to take her at her word.


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