# I want it more than him...long post



## alonetogether8 (Aug 25, 2014)

First off, I am new to this messageboard. I found it recently on one of my searches to try and find ways to better my marriage.

My husband and I have been together over 13 years and have always had a regular sex life. We met in high school and back then he was always wanting to, often more than once in a day. I suppose that's pretty normal for a young guy, and I also supposed it's normal for the frequency to decrease a bit when you're with someone a long time.

Over the years I'd say we've averaged 3 times a week. Other than after having my 2 kids, we've never gone more than 2 weeks without having sex, and there was always a reason for it (like when I had surgery or was ill). There were times where maybe it would be once that week, then others where we'd have sex 5 times or more in a week. Overall, it's been pretty steady, until the last 2 years or so.

I started noticing a couple years ago that we weren't having sex as much, and it bothered me, because I have always had a strong desire for sex. Unlike a lot of women I know, I seem to have a very high sex drive, almost like a man. I would do it every day, but I'm good with a few times a week.

Earlier in our marriage he told me he wished I would initiate sex more, and I did make an effort to more often. I guess I never realized he wanted me to, and although I wanted it, I felt awkward being the one to start things. But, since he told me he liked that, I would try to remember to if it had been a while since I did.

Over the last couple years I feel like I have literally had to almost beg for sex. If it had been close to a week since we'd had sex, I would try to let him know in a variety of ways that I was ready, and he'd often just flat out ignore me or act like I was bothering him.

Needless to say, this really hurts my feelings. At first when these things started happening, I thought maybe he was just tired, or stressed, so I tried not to let it bother me. After many flat out rejections, I started to feel humiliated. There were a few times when we'd be in bed and I'd lie there hoping he'd reach over for me, and he wouldn't. So, sometimes I would, and he wouldn't move or make or sound, and after a few minutes of me trying to get his attention, it was obvious he didn't want to, so I'd just stop, feel horribly embarrassed and then turn over and try not to cry. There were a few times I would cry, and he'd just ignore me, not even saying a word.

This has really affected me, because I find myself in a foul mood a lot of the time because of it. I am downright crabby, and I feel like he doesn't even love me anymore. 

I have flat out asked him why he doesn't want me, and he just says, "I don't know. I just don't want to sometimes."

He did once tell me that I was asking for it so much that it was becoming annoying. 

That really hurts because I can literally count on one hand the amount of times I have told him no to sex, and it was always for a good reason, like I really wasn't feeling well or something. He's completely ignored me so many times that I just don't know what to think.

I started thinking maybe there was something wrong and he wasn't telling me. He isn't the type to really talk about feelings, so I kept asking him to please tell me if something was wrong, but he said it was nothing and that I over think things.

I even bought a couple of sexy nighties thinking maybe that would entice him. The very first time I wore one to bed he seemed to like it, but there have been times since that he hasn't even noticed when I wear them.

I have wanted sex more often in the last few years, but I thought that was a good thing. I often hear of men complaining their wives never want to, and here I am ready almost all the time and he "just doesn't feel like it" or whatever other excuse there is.

He once said I should just masturbate if I want it so much, and I do occasionally, like when he's out of town for work, but why should I have to do that on a regular basis when I have a young husband (we are mid 30s) that should want to have sex with me? I told him it's not just about getting off, that I like feeling close to him and being with him, which doesn't seem to matter to him anymore. 

Since this whole thing with intimacy started, I feel like it's ruining our marriage. I am unhappy a lot, and find it hard to even be nice to him, especially the next day when I have gone to bed upset because he completely rejected me. He acts like nothing even happened.

Just last night the kids were in bed and I went to take a bath. Afterwards, I came into the living room and he was watching tv. I sat next to him and touched his leg, kissed him, rubbed his hair, and he just kept watching tv. He kissed me back but never touched me and he seemed more interested in tv, so after a few minutes I got up and went into our bedroom to read. He came in a little while after, used the bathroom, turned off the light and got in bed. Not even 5 minutes later he was snoring while I cried into my pillow.

I feel like I have bent over backwards to make him happy, and that he's being completely selfish. He doesn't seem depressed over overly tired, so I don't know what is up with him. 

I've always been a stay at home mom, and I do all the "normal" wife things I feel he'd expect. I rarely ask him to do chores around the house, I even do most of the yard work. I offer to make him whatever he wants to eat and I try not to complain when he spends hours alone in his man cave and to give him space. Nothing seems to work (to make him want me back) and I feel like it's impossible to get him to talk to me. I feel like I am a good wife that deserves better treatment.

Sometimes I think because of how he grew up he's just used to getting his way, and now he thinks he can just do as he pleases, even if it hurts me.

I think he's withholding sex and affection from me for a reason, but I don't know why. I haven't done anything to him that should have made him mad at me for any length of time.

Yes, sometimes I am quite bit**y to him now and lose my temper, because I am fed up.

It's gotten worse since last year when I talked to him about having another baby. I knew he'd say no even though he knows how much I want one, but he gets downright angry if I ever bring it up _at all_, or even say a baby is cute. I know this is part of the reason why it's gotten worse lately ( I guess he's worried I'll get pregnant) but he was withholding sex before that.

I guess I would just like some insight from anyone else who has been in a similar situation, particularly if you're a man, because I want to know what would make a man not want sex.

I even went so far as to ask a mutual friend we've known for years what he thought. He said to him that would be normal because he and his wife have sex once a week and they are both ok with that. He said he's never had much of a sex drive.

I just want everything to be how it was, and I feel like it never will get back there. I'm tired of feeling sad.


----------



## Redheadguy (Jul 30, 2014)

Wow, this sounds about dead on to my Wife and I, but reversed.


----------



## pushing50 (Aug 5, 2010)

Have you looked for pr0n usage on his part? That's a semi-reasonable explanation for his behavior.


----------



## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Here's my same story.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/98817-ld-husband-journal.html

It's a long read.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Have him get his testosterone checked....seriously! I started HRT therapy at 36/37. I could have the PB bunnies standing I'm my living room and I would not even look twice. I was not interested. Is he unusually tired, moody?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I think you may need to resolve the baby issue one way or another. Although you say his behaviour predated that discussion I could see where maybe, even if it's only at the sub conscious level, he's avoiding sex because you want a baby and he doesn't. That could be one hurdle. 

The other could be physical. I don't know what kind of condition he is in physically but some men will start to avoid sex if 'things aren't working' like they once did, as in ED...or possible drop in testosterone affecting desire.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

if you don't use birth control then he is avoiding sex so you won't get pregnant.

He has made it clear he doesn't want another child. This may not be about sex drive and desire at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
the baby issue is a huge deal. You absolutely need to settle that before doing anything sexual that might make you pregnant.


----------



## Redheadguy (Jul 30, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> the baby issue is a huge deal. You absolutely need to settle that before doing anything sexual that might make you pregnant.


I agree with this.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Marriage counseling ASAP.


----------



## alonetogether8 (Aug 25, 2014)

pushing50 said:


> Have you looked for pr0n usage on his part? That's a semi-reasonable explanation for his behavior.


He does watch porn and it's not a secret or anything. We even watch it together occasionally. He isn't off hiding what he's doing, so I really don't feel that is an issue. We've always been very open and have access to each other's phones and computers, but I never go on there and he never checks mine because I've never not trusted him.


----------



## alonetogether8 (Aug 25, 2014)

Divinely Favored said:


> Have him get his testosterone checked....seriously! I started HRT therapy at 36/37. I could have the PB bunnies standing I'm my living room and I would not even look twice. I was not interested. Is he unusually tired, moody?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This actually occurred to me recently because while at his parents, his mom mentioned his dad had low testosterone. I asked him if he would just get it checked at his next physical (he's required to have a check up every so often for his job) and he just kind of shrugged like whatever.


----------



## alonetogether8 (Aug 25, 2014)

MaritimeGuy said:


> I think you may need to resolve the baby issue one way or another. Although you say his behaviour predated that discussion I could see where maybe, even if it's only at the sub conscious level, he's avoiding sex because you want a baby and he doesn't. That could be one hurdle.
> 
> The other could be physical. I don't know what kind of condition he is in physically but some men will start to avoid sex if 'things aren't working' like they once did, as in ED...or possible drop in testosterone affecting desire.




He is in pretty good physical shape. We often ride bikes together when the weather is nice. I lost a lot of weight over the last few years and so I have tried to get him to exercise more with me, just for our health. He's gained a few pounds over the years, but he's not really that overweight or anything. He doesn't seen any more tired than usual most of the time. .


----------



## alonetogether8 (Aug 25, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> the baby issue is a huge deal. You absolutely need to settle that before doing anything sexual that might make you pregnant.


I realize this is an issue, but since we had our 1st child I haven't used birth control. I was on several different pills and they all gave me high blood pressure and headaches. I had some issues with other birth control, so since we had our 2nd child I've used charting my cycles to avoid pregnancy. He has access to the chart and knows my fertile time and we've always just not had intercourse at that time. He was using condoms for a while, but he stopped saying he hated him. Years ago he said he'd have a vasectomy after we had 2 kids, but he's never done it, and we had our 2nd child several years ago. 

For a while I never said anything to him about wanting another baby because he told me before there was no way he'd have more than 2. I had hoped my feelings would go away, but they didn't, so I told him and he completely lost it on me. He told me I was being selfish and didn't care about his feelings, but I feel the same way.

I have not tried to get pregnant behind his back. As much as I'd like to have another baby, I would not do that. I wouldn't want him to resent me.

I am not sure how we're supposed to get through this. I know that my desire for a baby is strong, and he says he will not change his mind and that I need to get over it.

Yet, he won't use condoms or get a vasectomy. 

I have suggested we go to counseling and he doesn't want to go. He says we don't need it. 

I just do not know what to do, and I never thought I'd end up feeling this way..completely lost.

I go back and forth between wanting him and wanting him to want me and then the next day (or minute) being so angry at him because I feel he's acting so selfish. He tells me I am the one being selfish, but I don't feel that I am.


----------



## alonetogether8 (Aug 25, 2014)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Here's my same story.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/98817-ld-husband-journal.html
> 
> It's a long read.


Wow, that sounds a lot like us. He had once made the comment that men are like hunters and they want to pursue their prey, not have it lie down in front of them.

I do try to be patient and wait for him, but like you said, I'd be waiting forever and I don't have the patience for that.

I can actually orgasm very easily, so it's not like he's spending that long "doing the work" or whatever. 

I just feel like this is bs that we have to play these little games. I want it to be how it was before. We both wanted to and did, and it was great. There were a few times when we were first together that I wasn't really left wowed, but he's actually really good, and I think that is part of why I want it so much.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

What are your ages? Most likely, he's suffering from low T. However, I think you are falling for the "nice guy" routine and using "covert contracts" hoping if you do this, that or some other good deed for him, he'll have sex with you later.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think you need to investigate two different paths.

First ask him to check for low-T. 

If that turns out normal then there is something he's not happy about in your marriage and/or with you.

If he refuses to get his T levels checked, that's not acceptable at all.


----------



## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

low T is certainly possible
some sort of Erectile Disfunction, at least at the initial stages, may be frightening him away from sex
He may just be nutz! What man would not want a wife like you???
He may be having an affair and spending his capital somewhere else, have you snooped a little?

Well, if you really looked at all the options, and are at whits end...
either divorce, separate with the option of dating, or get a hall pass and stay in this sexless marriage (for convenience). 

If he is really that disinterested in sex, he might not mind if you find a discreet male friend that you can visit every couple days. Do realize that that might eventually end the marriage, though. but it sounds like the marriage is teetering on the brink anyway. I know a woman on another site, her husband gave her the hall pass--could not be interested in sex with her. She rather quickly found a GREAT lover, realized how wonderful life can really be, and filed for divorce. So, be prepared for that possibility.


----------



## alonetogether8 (Aug 25, 2014)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> What are your ages? Most likely, he's suffering from low T. However, I think you are falling for the "nice guy" routine and using "covert contracts" hoping if you do this, that or some other good deed for him, he'll have sex with you later.


We are both 34, he will be 35 very soon. 

I have always tried to be a good wife and make him happy. It just seems like he doesn't need me, and he definitely does not want me the way I want him, at least not now.


----------



## alonetogether8 (Aug 25, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I think you need to investigate two different paths.
> 
> First ask him to check for low-T.
> 
> ...


I do want him to get that checked, but honestly, I don't know that he will. :/ He is the type of person who won't go to the Dr. He doesn't ever get sick and only goes when his work requires drug testing or whatever else.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

alonetogether8 said:


> We are both 34, he will be 35 very soon.
> 
> I have always tried to be a good wife and make him happy. It just seems like he doesn't need me, and he definitely does not want me the way I want him, at least not now.


Based on your ages, the chances of him having low T is definitely possible, but I wouldn't say it's likely. But if he's having some ED issues too, then I'd say that's not normal for his age. But my guess is that low T is probably not the issue, but getting checked out is still good regardless.

If I had to guess, I'd say you are suffering from 2 issues:

1) For all those years where you were very plain with your sexuality and rejected him a lot, he probably switched over to moderate to heavy porn use to fill the void. As such, he may have a porn model (or models) that he's more attracted to than you right now based on built in habits. Also, he may be feeling resentment against you for the years of sexual neglect

2) He may not respect you anymore, and the more you try to please him may be pushing him away further. If he sees you as someone who is not standing up for herself and demonstrating a healthy level of self respect, then he won't respect you either.


----------



## alonetogether8 (Aug 25, 2014)

murphy5 said:


> low T is certainly possible
> some sort of Erectile Disfunction, at least at the initial stages, may be frightening him away from sex
> He may just be nutz! What man would not want a wife like you???
> He may be having an affair and spending his capital somewhere else, have you snooped a little?
> ...



He has never had an issue with getting or maintaining an erection. It's just that he doesn't want to do it very often anymore. When we do, it's usually really good. 

I really do not believe he is cheating. 

There have been times I have thought about what it would be like to have a man who acts like he actually wants me, but the problem is I don't want anyone else. I have been with him a long time and I do love him. Plus, we have 2 young kids and I don't feel like we should just give up, at least not yet. 

It feels like I am the only one trying to make it better. 

All day we barely spoke, I can tell he's pissed off at me for being upset with him over the other night (when he ignored my advances). I am apparently never allowed to cry and be upset because that is too much for him to deal with. He cooked dinner this evening on the grill, and I thanked him for dinner and he said, "You don't need to thank me for cooking dinner." WTF I feel like I can't say or do anything right. I was just trying to say I appreciate him making dinner without me even asking, and he cooked steak, which he knows I really like.

The thing that really hurts is that over the last few years I've worked really hard all on my own to lose a lot of weight. He wants me less now than when I was much heavier. I feel defeated. I was heavier when we met than I am now, and he never had an issue with my weight, but I wanted to lose weight to be healthier and feel better. I thought he'd want me more, and he doesn't.


----------



## alonetogether8 (Aug 25, 2014)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Based on your ages, the chances of him having low T is definitely possible, but I wouldn't say it's likely. But if he's having some ED issues too, then I'd say that's not normal for his age. But my guess is that low T is probably not the issue, but getting checked out is still good regardless.
> 
> If I had to guess, I'd say you are suffering from 2 issues:
> 
> ...




Maybe I was unclear, but I never rejected him. He did tell me he wanted me to initiate sex more often (this was years ago, when we were first married), but I never turned him down when he wanted it. He really doesn't watch a whole lot of porn. He watched more when we were younger than he does now, and we had more sex then.

People have made comments that I do everything for him. I honestly do not mind taking care of him, but in return I feel like I deserve affection. I don't ask for a whole lot from him, just his attention. 

He is making me crazy. I wish he would just tell me what he's thinking, good or bad. If he doesn't want me, I would rather him just say it and leave. I would be devastated, but at least I'd know. 

He will not talk. When I do try to communicate with him he just won't say anything, so we don't get anywhere. I feel like a police officer interrogating a criminal or something...just me asking questions and him sitting there looking annoyed saying "I don't know" over and over. 

It kills me that I have friends who are really not what I would consider the best wives, yet their husbands dote on them. They overspend, don't keep up the house, don't cook, don't want sex, yet their husbands take them on trips and buy them expensive things and want to have sex with them all the time. I just don't get it. 

I'm the type of person that when I care about someone, I will make an effort to please them. I feel that I have done that with him, but it doesn't make him happy. Yet, he won't tell me why or what he wants.


----------



## ifweonly (Feb 27, 2014)

Hi Altogether8 --- so sad the challenge that you are dealing with. There must be a multitude of men here on TAM who would give their left ????? to have a woman like you in their lives. You truly are precious---- I really mean that.

Whatever your husband's issue(s) are, apparently he is not willing to discuss them with you or anyone else for that matter. Even if he does have low "T" or excessive estradiol, it seems that he would not be willing to address any corrective action.

I am sorry to say that either you may have to accept and live with the situation you are faced with or take a more drastic route -- divorce. I know that if I were faced with a situation such as yours, I would consider the latter. Fortionately, I have a real sweetheart for a wife!!!


----------



## ifweonly (Feb 27, 2014)

Sorry --- I meant to address alonetogether8 --- I apologize for that error. Fran


----------



## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Your story is my story. Aside from a few minor differences I could have written everything you wrote.

DH and I just had discussion eleventy billion on this topic today.

One mistake I've made consistently over the years has been to pretend like everything is okay for as long as I can. Then I blow up and we argue. I think this has given DH the impression that things are fine when they are not.

There are men who have medium to low sex drives. You said your DH wasn't always this way so perhaps there is a chemical issue at play. Or maybe he is normal for him. My DH has always been this way. 19 years.

I can't offer much advice. I feel like I've tried about everything with no results. I have spent my summer thinking about divorce. I have spent my summer thinking about having an affair. I'm just being honest. It's difficult. 

DH started the conversation today not me. I cried as I tried to explain how much he has hurt me over the years. How I no longer want him to touch me. How I can't have sex with him any more because I don't feel wanted. I end up feeling used and I can't do it any more. 

He made the obligatory promises to change, blah blah. I have brought up counseling 4x to no avail. I'm not to the point quite yet to pull my therapy or sexless marriage, therapy or divorce card. But I'm close an honestly I don't know if I can have sex with him any more. I've found some other outlets for my energy and its working for now.


----------



## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

alonetogether8 said:


> It kills me that I have friends who are really not what I would consider the best wives, yet their husbands dote on them. They overspend, don't keep up the house, don't cook, don't want sex, yet their husbands take them on trips and buy them expensive things and want to have sex with them all the time. I just don't get it.
> 
> I'm the type of person that when I care about someone, I will make an effort to please them. I feel that I have done that with him, but it doesn't make him happy. Yet, he won't tell me why or what he wants.


Sadly this may be part of the problem. I've observed in my life that often times people will take for granted the people in their life they know they can rely on. They work harder to keep the affection of those that are more ambivalent. It seems backwards I know.

I equate it to walking into a house that has a dog. The dog that jumps and slobbers all over you you shoe away. The one that lies quietly over in the corner disdainfully ignoring you you call over so you can pet it.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I have a thread going about this from my perspective as a seemingly LD man. I know for me a major factor, which I don't think I've explored much on my thread, is the unwanted pregnancy. In my case there are scheduling conflicts too, but I find sex a little more enjoyable when I know my GF is not ovulating, or about to. The other times it's still good but I'm a lot more careful. For that reason I never go to completion inside, which I think does affect my choice to not have intercourse at every chance. We still make time for lots of intimacy and pleasure, just hold back somewhat.

In my previous marriage it had become almost completely sexless, like once every 2 or 3 months, but that was largely attraction issues - I didn't want to inflict myself on her, since she never really seemed to flirt or smile that wicked look that sexually attracted people give each other, nor did she treat me all that well so I completely lost interest, and didn't even bother to pursue (I also had some health issues as well as other upbringing issues regarding sex).

Does your H follow your menstrual cycle? How is his career doing? Does he accomplish much at work? Does he have any other depression? What was his upbringing like, does he have shame about sexual pleasure?


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I'm still wondering as to why you want another child? 

And why you think they he not wanting yet another child is denying you something.

You have children already. There are more than enough billion people in the world as it is.

If you are not using birth control then he is not going to want sex with you.

Please clear this up, what is the situation?

All the talk of low T doesn't mean squat until then.


----------



## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

alonetogether8 said:


> First off, I am new to this messageboard. I found it recently on one of my searches to try and find ways to better my marriage.
> 
> My husband and I have been together over 13 years and have always had a regular sex life. We met in high school and back then he was always wanting to, often more than once in a day. I suppose that's pretty normal for a young guy, and I also supposed it's normal for the frequency to decrease a bit when you're with someone a long time.
> 
> ...


*sigh* Your husband just doesn't know how lucky he is. Believe me, I *really* envy him!


----------



## alonetogether8 (Aug 25, 2014)

Lon said:


> I have a thread going about this from my perspective as a seemingly LD man. I know for me a major factor, which I don't think I've explored much on my thread, is the unwanted pregnancy. In my case there are scheduling conflicts too, but I find sex a little more enjoyable when I know my GF is not ovulating, or about to. The other times it's still good but I'm a lot more careful. For that reason I never go to completion inside, which I think does affect my choice to not have intercourse at every chance. We still make time for lots of intimacy and pleasure, just hold back somewhat.
> 
> In my previous marriage it had become almost completely sexless, like once every 2 or 3 months, but that was largely attraction issues - I didn't want to inflict myself on her, since she never really seemed to flirt or smile that wicked look that sexually attracted people give each other, nor did she treat me all that well so I completely lost interest, and didn't even bother to pursue (I also had some health issues as well as other upbringing issues regarding sex).
> 
> Does your H follow your menstrual cycle? How is his career doing? Does he accomplish much at work? Does he have any other depression? What was his upbringing like, does he have shame about sexual pleasure?



To answer your questions:

Yes, he knows my cycle, when my period is due. I keep track of it on an online calendar that I can show him or he can access. He has the password. I haven't tried to unknowingly get pg. He will never cum inside me. He never has, except when I was trying to get pg before. 

He has a great job and loves his job. He makes a lot of money and he's advanced in the 10 years he's been there. So, no issues there.

He's never depressed. Even when something is wrong he can go along like everything is ok. He often acts indifferent. I've had problems with depression and if I knew he were I'd definitely want him to talk to me, but he never opens up about his feelings or anything serious.

His parents are still married, but they have a marriage that is just for show. My mother in law outwardly bashes my father in law. She treats him like total **** and he basically follows her around like a puppy doing whatever she wants to please her. My father in law is a very nice man, but he's kind of a wuss in that he would never say a thing to her, no matter how *****y she is to him or anyone else. So, they have issues.

His mother has always interfered in our relationship, and honestly I despise her. I've basically never been good enough for her son, and she's let me know it. Of the 2 of us, I know that I am not the most attractive one. I've always wondered why he wanted me in the first place. I wouldn't say I am hideous or anything, but I am definitely not beautiful.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

alonetogether8 said:


> To answer your questions:
> 
> Yes, he knows my cycle, when my period is due. I keep track of it on an online calendar that I can show him or he can access. He has the password. I haven't tried to unknowingly get pg. He will never cum inside me. He never has, except when I was trying to get pg before.


My parents used that method of birth control and they had 11 children. 

It's not sufficient to track ovulation.

So, because of this reliance, you two do not have a normal completion of intimacy.

Having that kind of self control can't be fun.

Consider a different birth control or more permanent measures and I'll bet things will improve.


----------



## alonetogether8 (Aug 25, 2014)

michzz said:


> I'm still wondering as to why you want another child?
> 
> And why you think they he not wanting yet another child is denying you something.
> 
> ...



I have wanted a 3rd child for long time, but I never said anything to him for a while because when I was pg with our 2nd he said we were done. I felt that way too, and at the time we lived in a very small house, had less money, etc, and I felt ok with it, although in my mind I've always wanted a large family. I knew he didn't, and I guess I felt I'd be ok. 

When we moved to a larger house a few years ago, I really started to feel like I wanted another baby. I didn't say anything, because I had a feeling he'd say no way, so I just kept my feelings inside for a while, hoping they'd go away.

Even though we've been having these problems (mostly over the last year) I can't just make my feelings of wanting a baby go away. It's not liek I am trying to get pregnant. I have not taken bc for years. He knows this, it isn't a secret. I chart my cycles to avoid pregnancy and I can feel when I am ovulating. He said he was going to get a vasectomy years ago, and didn't. He always pulls out. Always (except when we were trying for our kids)

Maybe it seems selfish or wrong of other people for me to want a 3rd child, but I don't think it is. I am a good mother, and my husband is a great dad. He is a better dad than he is a husband, and our kids adore him. 

I guess I feel angry at him about it, because unlike a lot of things, this isn't something I can have without him giving it to me. I haven't really ever asked a lot of out of him, and that is why I am upset. I am upset that I don't get the affection, attention and sex that I want, and I don't feel I've done anything to make him not want me. The distancing stuff started before I ever made it clear to him how much I wanted another baby, but it was in one of those times where things were better, if that makes sense, and I felt happy one day and brought it up to him.

Sometimes if I really get upset and break down and cry, he will say he's sorry and he'll try do better. But it never lasts. He just goes back to ignoring me.


----------



## alonetogether8 (Aug 25, 2014)

MaritimeGuy said:


> Sadly this may be part of the problem. I've observed in my life that often times people will take for granted the people in their life they know they can rely on. They work harder to keep the affection of those that are more ambivalent. It seems backwards I know.
> 
> I equate it to walking into a house that has a dog. The dog that jumps and slobbers all over you you shoe away. The one that lies quietly over in the corner disdainfully ignoring you you call over so you can pet it.



Yeah, I guess that makes sense. My mother in law treats her husband like total crap and he follows her around like a lost puppy. I have noticed that a lot of my friends are so awful to their husbands, but their husbands seem to adore them. 

Yesterday he actually brought me a basket of work shirts and sat them near the washer when I was folding towels. I just left them there, because if he can't even speak to me and doesn't care that I cry or am upset, why should I wash his shirts? I always do it when I notice he's getting low on shirts. I am thoughtful that way, but I am tired of him not appreciating me, in even the most basic ways.


----------



## alonetogether8 (Aug 25, 2014)

michzz said:


> My parents used that method of birth control and they had 11 children.
> 
> It's not sufficient to track ovulation.
> 
> ...





It is reliable IF it's done correctly. Most people are not educated about how it works and don't have the patience to do it (it's a lot more work than just popping a pill every day) I even spoke to my Dr about it. I do the temperature, check my fluids, track the calendar, etc. A woman's body (who has a regular cycle) gives very clear signs of impending ovulation. 

I have been on several kinds of birth control. I do not take the fake hormones well at all. They make me sick, I get high blood pressure and headaches. My husband will not have a vasectomy or use condoms (he has a thousand excuses). Why is this all on me? 

He is the one that chooses to always pull out. I know if my period is due in a couple days that it's impossible for me to get pg, but he still pulls out. I suppose he does not trust me, but I have even shown him the charts. I am not lying. Like I said, I would not get pg behind his back. It hurts that he doesn't trust me. I have told him many times over the years when were about to have sex that I was ovulating or would with in a day, and we'd just have oral sex instead. So, I have been honest with him. the fact that I've never had an unintended pregnancy in the 10 years I've been doing this, I'd say it has worked for us. 

I fail to see how it's my fault that he won't do something about birth control I had some issues when I was younger and was in and out of the Drs constantly and was tired of being poked and prodded and when my Dr recommended that I keep trying different dosages of pills or that we could do the natural method or use condoms, I read up on that and read a great book called Taking Charge of Your Fertility. I learned all about it, talked to my husband, and he said that sounded good. 

The people I know who are on bc are the ones with 4 and 5 kids because their pill "didn't work" or whatever else.


----------



## alonetogether8 (Aug 25, 2014)

MissScarlett said:


> Your story is my story. Aside from a few minor differences I could have written everything you wrote.
> 
> DH and I just had discussion eleventy billion on this topic today.
> 
> ...



I feel the same way a lot of the time, like how he promises to do better, but never does. Even though I love having sex, I am getting to the point where when we do I don't enjoy it as much because I am wondering if he really wants me or he just wants to get off and go to bed, or shut me up, or whatever. He's told me I complain too much, but I don't say what I need, how will I ever get it?


----------



## alonetogether8 (Aug 25, 2014)

ifweonly said:


> Hi Altogether8 --- so sad the challenge that you are dealing with. There must be a multitude of men here on TAM who would give their left ????? to have a woman like you in their lives. You truly are precious---- I really mean that.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

alonetogether8 said:


> ifweonly said:
> 
> 
> > Hi Altogether8 --- so sad the challenge that you are dealing with. There must be a multitude of men here on TAM who would give their left ????? to have a woman like you in their lives. You truly are precious---- I really mean that.
> ...


----------



## alonetogether8 (Aug 25, 2014)

michzz said:


> alonetogether8 said:
> 
> 
> > If this is the situation then bringing yet another child into the marriage would be wrong.
> ...


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Sounds like the resentment is beginning to set in for you (not doing his laundry to punish him for his lack if affection)

I disagree with Mitch about the failure rate of pullout method, done perfectly it is more effective than the failure rate for condoms, the problem is most people that rely on that method for BC don't have perfect practice, especially when their wife is ovulating and giving off all kinds of biological signals to cum inside.

But there are some of us like your H and I that are able to stay in control.

Your H is 35? I don't blame him for avoiding vasectomy, he's still a young man with instincts. We are a complicated species.

If you are not averse to birth control for yourself (oral, IUD) and he could trust that you stuck with it faithfully I suspect he may be more inclined to engage in sex. I wouldn't blame you for avoiding hormonal or chemical disruptions to your fertility due to certain affects on your long term health, but you could experiment a little and if he is confident that he not going to be stuck raising or responsible for another child, if it works and you find a more satisfactory sex life together it may be a compelling reason for him to consider getting snipped.


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I would like to suggest that you already have a third child in the respect that you do not require anything on your husband in terms of chores or doing things around the house.

Setting low expectations is not good for marriage. That you love him and want to take care of him does not mean that you should do everything for him because that makes him into a child 

it's very difficult to maintain attraction when your wife becomes your mother. 

ask him for help. Ask him to do things around the house and then be grateful when he does it. that will certainly do a lot to bolster how he feels about himself and then about the relationship.


apart from that I think you should check out how much he is masturbating versus having sex with you. it also wouldn't hurt to verify that he's not getting it somewhere else. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## alonetogether8 (Aug 25, 2014)

Lon said:


> Sounds like the resentment is beginning to set in for you (not doing his laundry to punish him for his lack if affection)
> 
> I disagree with Mitch about the failure rate of pullout method, done perfectly it is more effective than the failure rate for condoms, the problem is most people that rely on that method for BC don't have perfect practice, especially when their wife is ovulating and giving off all kinds of biological signals to cum inside.
> 
> ...


I've felt resentful for a while now.

Me being (or not being) on birth control has never been an issue, so I don't know why that would suddenly make him not want to have sex as often. Like I said, he has always pulled out, even when I was on the depo shot and bc pills. 

If this had all started after me telling him I wanted another baby, I would assume that was why he doesn't want to as much, but this started before I made the desire for another baby known.

I guess the only way he'll ever not be scared of me getting pg is if he does get a vasectomy. Even then I'm sure he'd still pull out, just in case.


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

he may have decided he didn't want another child will before you indicated you did. it's important to remember that he has needs wants and desires that have absolutely nothing to do with you. 

after you do a little bit of snooping around and you start requiring a little more for him at home take the temperature of the relationship again. And if its still not good suggest marriage counseling. the lack of sex is always going to reduce your connection to one another. resentment getting stronger between you is going to make things tons worse.

So let's talk about what do you do together for fun?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

Girrrrrrl I knew exactly what you are going through. I wish I had answers for you, but I had my husband take some tests to see if his testosterone was okay. He was very low in the 'normal' range. Which can still mean low for him individually. 

I remember when I got all dressed up in a brand new nighty, perfume, my hair done.. Body glitter! ..nd he just said i look nice n he kept playing video games. Yep, that hurt pretty bad... And I'm attractive too, so it wasn't my fault. 

Oh and pushing50 has a point about the pr0n. Hubby's internet history is filled with it. He even admitted wanking was just more convenient and easier. 

Wow I never realized how insulting that was till now. 

Well too late...turns out I'm not straight anyways.


----------



## alonetogether8 (Aug 25, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> I would like to suggest that you already have a third child in the respect that you do not require anything on your husband in terms of chores or doing things around the house.
> 
> Setting low expectations is not good for marriage. That you love him and want to take care of him does not mean that you should do everything for him because that makes him into a child
> 
> ...




It is not that I require nothing of him. He does do things, it's just that since I have always been a stay at home mom, I took it upon myself to do pretty much all the basic daily chores. Maybe some people don't agree, but I feel it's fair for me to do that stuff because I'm the one here all the time. He does not have a 9-5 job, so most of the stuff has to be up to me, and that is fine with me. If the trash needs taking out, he will do it if he sees it's full. If I ask for help with something, he doesn't refuse. He often takes the kids out and does something with them so I can have time alone, so he's good with them and with most things is pretty fair.

I do like to please him, and I feel like if I had a list of chores for him to do after he's worked a crazy week and I've been home, that's kind of crappy. He cuts the grass, but I do all the other yard work. He'll often cook dinner on the evenings he's home, so it's not like he is completely checked out and a total jerk. But, I do feel that I have worked very hard to please him and be a good wife and mom and make him happy. 

If I worked full time, I would expect him to do more around the house. I've just always tried to be fair in our relationship. I definitely do not act like his mother. I don't call him constantly (like she does) check up on him or baby him (if he gets a cold she acts like he's dying). But, I believe married people are supposed to take care of each other. Until these last couple years I did feel taken care of and loved. Not so much, and I honestly do not feel most of our problems are my fault. I know I have been angry with him, and that is probably making it worse, but I feel so tired of never getting answers from him as to what is wrong. If I am doing something wrong or someone has a problem with me, I prefer they tell me. I can take it. Don't be all passive aggressive with me.


----------



## alonetogether8 (Aug 25, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> he may have decided he didn't want another child will before you indicated you did. it's important to remember that he has needs wants and desires that have absolutely nothing to do with you.
> 
> after you do a little bit of snooping around and you start requiring a little more for him at home take the temperature of the relationship again. And if its still not good suggest marriage counseling. the lack of sex is always going to reduce your connection to one another. resentment getting stronger between you is going to make things tons worse.
> 
> ...



He seems to think that I can just turn off some switch and not want another baby, and I can't. I wish I could, but I can't. I have been trying for a while now ( to just forget about having another baby), and didn't tell him for a while about how I felt because I knew what he'd say. 

I really don't feel a need to snoop. What is it I am looking for? I don't believe he's having an affair. I just don't. We both know each other's passwords(just for bill paying and such) but I don't snoop on him because I haven't felt like I needed to. I don't think he does with me, but I wouldn't care since I have nothing to hide. 

Well, I really think our lack of dating has hurt our marriage. We don't have someone who can watch our kids all the time, and he doesn't want to pay a baby sitter. His parents will sometimes take our kids for an overnight visit, but they often do it when he's working (he has somewhat of an unpredictable work schedule) so we don't end up doing anything together. I will often use that opportunity to hang out with a friend or just go shopping alone.

When we are able to go on dates, we often go to dinner, sometimes a movie. When the kids are in school and he has time off during the day we'll have lunch and sometimes we go for bike rides. We like a few of the same tv shows, but I rarely watch tv unless it's with him. We've gone on hikes together, and as a family we go to the pool nearby or to amusement parks. 

I feel with the whole dating thing I am the one always trying to think of things to do, and he could just take it or leave it. He's kind of a homebody, and I am the same way, but I like to go out and try new things. He seems to end up having fun once we go, but getting him to do it takes effort on my part. I have recently gotten him to go on a canoe ride and we rode horses together, which we both really enjoyed. We sometimes play a video or board game.

Sometimes I think maybe it would be better if we just had more time alone together, but I don't know. I try to make the best of the time we have when the kids are in bed, so I like to get things done so in the evenings we can just relax.


----------



## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Alonetogether

You seem very reasonable to me. I can't imagine your husband could have any issues with you. 

The baby thing I see as a problem. You're just as entitled to desire another baby as he is entitled not to want one. That is a delicate negotiation to resolve. It does appear he is very averse to the idea of getting you pregnant. In my mind, from his side, assuming he is 100% convinced he doesn't want any more children, I don't know why he wouldn't get a vasectomy. It would be one less worry in his life. Obviously that would be hurtful to you at this point. There's no right or wrong answer here only what is best for the two of you.

I think you need to have a very frank discussion with him and basically tell him what you've told us. Whether to have more children or not...whether to stay married or not..these are life altering decisions. It will be a very difficult discussion but one you need have to be able to move forward.


----------



## alonetogether8 (Aug 25, 2014)

MaritimeGuy said:


> Alonetogether
> 
> You seem very reasonable to me. I can't imagine your husband could have any issues with you.
> 
> ...



I do feel I am a reasonable and fair person. 

I have told him I can't help how I feel, but he acts like I am doing it just to upset him or something, which hurts.

Many times I've tried to have a conversation with him. We get nowhere because he just won't say much. Maybe if he ever actually told me exactly what he was thinking I could figure out how to relate to him. He's so vague.

What I don't understand is why he is so against having another baby. He's a good dad and we can afford it. I wish he'd had the vasectomy years ago like he said he would. Then I would just know it was done and maybe none of this would be going on. It's hard to explain, but I feel like if he got it now I'd be relieved, but sad at the same time.


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Ok, so you do have requirements of him. That's good.

Look, I think you need an answer and if he won't provide it you either snoop to see what you can learn about his online life and his outside life or accept this unacceptable state. There you can live with it or divorce.

If you refuse to do recon deal or don't deal, but there seems nothing you can do on your own.

Think about getting a job instead of pregnant. Shake up the dynamic by gaining some independence.

When you can pay for yourself your options will increase.

Go out without him.

Look your best for yourself and not him.

Work out.

Get a separate life.

Then reevaluate.


----------



## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

alonetogether8 said:


> I do feel I am a reasonable and fair person.
> 
> I have told him I can't help how I feel, but he acts like I am doing it just to upset him or something, which hurts.
> 
> ...


I can't really answer your question but I will say he's not alone in dropping the ball as far as expressing himself. I'm typically guilty of the same thing. I'm an analytical type person who needs time to mull things over before I'm prepared to give a response. If I get pushed to respond in the heat of the moment it will most likely be an angry response. I'm not proud of that...just being honest. 

It's impossible to know why his opposition to having another child. It could be it's a lot of work on his part and he's not prepared to take it on. It could be he's looking forward to the freedom of being child free once they're grown and having another one now extends that time frame. It could be he knows you want one and he's asserting himself so he doesn't feel like you're dictating to him. 

I really feel for you. As I said in my earlier post there is no easy answer to this one. Not even for an armchair quarterback like myself giving advice that will have no repercussions to me if it's bad. 

When I split with my now ex on the way out the door I got the, "and another thing...I always wanted another child but I knew you didn't so I didn't bring it up and now it's too late".  

The funny part was the reason I didn't want another one was not because I didn't want another child bu because she had so much trouble with the second child (post partum depression) I didn't want to risk it being even worse with the third and felt it would be better if she could make me the bad guy for not wanting another.


----------



## alonetogether8 (Aug 25, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> Ok, so you do have requirements of him. That's good.
> 
> Look, I think you need an answer and if he won't provide it you either snoop to see what you can learn about his online life and his outside life or accept this unacceptable state. There you can live with it or divorce.
> 
> ...



There is really nothing for me to snoop. He leaves his phone out all the time when he's sleeping where anyone could look at it, so I don't think he's hiding some other life.

I do go out without him when I can. I have a couple close friends and we have a girl's night when it can be arranged. 

I've had part time work here and there, but with his work schedule it's very hard to find a job because his schedule changes and one of us has to be here with the kids. We don't have anyone who can watch them, at least not for free.

I do work out. I've trained for and run 2 half marathons by myself. I am a tough person in regards to almost everything, except him. I get the impression that people think if you're a housewife that you're some meek little person, and that is not me at all. I am just upset because I feel that he is treating me badly and I do not deserve it.


----------



## alonetogether8 (Aug 25, 2014)

MaritimeGuy said:


> I can't really answer your question but I will say he's not alone in dropping the ball as far as expressing himself. I'm typically guilty of the same thing. I'm an analytical type person who needs time to mull things over before I'm prepared to give a response. If I get pushed to respond in the heat of the moment it will most likely be an angry response. I'm not proud of that...just being honest.
> 
> It's impossible to know why his opposition to having another child. It could be it's a lot of work on his part and he's not prepared to take it on. It could be he's looking forward to the freedom of being child free once they're grown and having another one now extends that time frame. It could be he knows you want one and he's asserting himself so he doesn't feel like you're dictating to him.
> 
> ...


I understand that men are typically not as good about expressing their feelings. I suppose I just figured that when I am calmly talking to him and asking him to please tell me what he wants or feels, that he could do it. We are supposed to be open with each other, and he won't do that. If I am doing something he hates, he isn't telling me.

As far as more work for him, I am not trying to make myself look good, but when the kids were small babies and toddlers I did almost everything. Since I stayed home and he worked and I breastfed, he never got up at night. There were maybe a handful of times I asked for help when I was having an issue, like a diaper blowout or I felt bad, but that was it. He is the type of person who can fall right back to sleep. 

I kept in my feelings about having a 3rd for a long time because I knew what he'd say. So, really, there is no solution to this that is ideal. Either we have another baby and he resents me forever (which I would not do or want) or we don't and I always feel sad about it. Or, we get divorced, which I don't want either.

I do find myself imagining what it would be like to be with a man who isn't so resistant to everything I want. I can't imagine that though because all I've wanted since I was 16 years old is him and a family.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

alonetogether8 said:


> I kept in my feelings about having a 3rd for a long time because I knew what he'd say. So, really, there is no solution to this that is ideal. Either we have another baby and he resents me forever (which I would not do or want) or we don't and I always feel sad about it. Or, we get divorced, which I don't want either.


I keep wondering why having a *third *child is so key to your happiness. What happens if you have the third one and then say to yourself? Nope, that didn't do it, I definitely need a fourth kid? a fifth, a sixth?

Is it possible that he thinks that same thing and doesn't want the expense and time hit of having another child?

You've mentioned your resentment over him not helping out with the children. How is having another child going to end that type of resentment?


----------



## alonetogether8 (Aug 25, 2014)

michzz said:


> I keep wondering why having a *third *child is so key to your happiness. What happens if you have the third one and then say to yourself? Nope, that didn't do it, I definitely need a fourth kid? a fifth, a sixth?
> 
> Is it possible that he thinks that same thing and doesn't want the expense and time hit of having another child?
> 
> You've mentioned your resentment over him not helping out with the children. How is having another child going to end that type of resentment?


It is not the only key to my happiness, it just happens to be important to me. I happen to value my family. I don't come from a family where people are close and a lot of my family has died. I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting more than 2 kids. He did say something about what if I wanted another and another. I told him he should get a vasectomy, which he said he'd do, but didn't.

I don't have resentment over him not helping with them. It was harder when he was gone a lot, but I never blamed him for that. He is a good father, like I said in a previous post. If he were a crappy father I would not want more kids with him. The kids both adore him.

What's making me unhappy mostly is his unwillingness to talk to me and his rejection of me. He knows what I wanted most in my life was to be a mom. I am not asking to be like the Duggars and have 19 kids, it's 1 more. I don't feel I'm being unreasonable.


----------



## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

alonetogether8 said:


> So, really, there is no solution to this that is ideal. Either we have another baby and he resents me forever (which I would not do or want) or we don't and I always feel sad about it. Or, we get divorced, which I don't want either.


I think the ideal solution is that after an honest heart to heart discussion, truly listening to one another's viewpoints, you arrive at a decision that is best for the two of you as a couple.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: I want it more than him...long post*



alonetogether8 said:


> It is not the only key to my happiness, it just happens to be important to me. I happen to value my family. I don't come from a family where people are close and a lot of my family has died. I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting more than 2 kids. He did say something about what if I wanted another and another. I told him he should get a vasectomy, which he said he'd do, but didn't.
> 
> I don't have resentment over him not helping with them. It was harder when he was gone a lot, but I never blamed him for that. He is a good father, like I said in a previous post. If he were a crappy father I would not want more kids with him. The kids both adore him.
> 
> What's making me unhappy mostly is his unwillingness to talk to me and his rejection of me. He knows what I wanted most in my life was to be a mom. I am not asking to be like the Duggars and have 19 kids, it's 1 more. I don't feel I'm being unreasonable.


But you are a mom, yet you still want more children and you want him to change to take on more of the parenting himself. If you are resentful now, and imagining yourself with the kind of man he is not, what level of resentment will you have for him if he is sterile and never able to provide you with what you are telling him you need, more kids? He senses all this, he's not going to get snipped because it means you will detest him. Your needs, and what he has, or is willing, to offer do not mesh. Talking is not what is needed, making the decision on where to go together is what you and him need to do. Until that happens, he will be reluctant to make a lot of sexual advances.


----------



## CardReader (Aug 15, 2014)

HI alonetogether, 

From what I have read so far you seem really opposed to doing some snooping around because you have access to his devices. 

My Ex let me have access to all of his devices too. He'd leave his phone around everywhere and not be possessive if I touched it and no pasword. I never thought to check his phone either because he didn't act like he was hiding anything. 

Well, when we went on a vacation together and his phone went off with the morning alarm, and I turned the alarm off. I saw a text from some lady saying "I miss you"and I investigated. Turned out he'd met this person on a travel trip, cheated and he kept in touch with her. This lead me to checking other devices and accounts, there were so many other women. 

The crazy part of it all was that we were having sex 2 to 3 times a day. I had access to everything, he acted normal, didn't try to hide anything. He knew that if he acted like there was nothing to hide I wouldn't get suspicious and check. 

The only advice I can offer is to check his devices and profiles. Hopefully he's not doing that but there could be that chance he's investing his attention elsewhere. Why not be safe than sorry?


----------



## cuchulain36 (Jul 8, 2014)

Do what men do to solve this issue, stop begging, get comfortable with masturbating frequently, work out, get super hot and see where things play out. He'll either notice you and begin taking care of your needs, or you're ripe to move on to someone who will. Either way the problem is eventually solved. 

If you have a high sex drive, for a man that should be a dream come true. You won't ever be happy begging for sex and every now and again he gives you duty sex and thinks you should be happy with that, it's BS.


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

so let's ditch the word snoop and say look into his open device that he is not trying to hide. because surely if it's available for anyone to look at he will not be surprised that you look at it. the thing is that that device could be clean but other devices are not. So you really need to look at everything as a whole.

on the whole you seem like you are pretty solid person but I really question your thinking on this not willing to look at the device's attitude.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## alonetogether8 (Aug 25, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> so let's ditch the word snoop and say look into his open device that he is not trying to hide. because surely if it's available for anyone to look at he will not be surprised that you look at it. the thing is that that device could be clean but other devices are not. So you really need to look at everything as a whole.
> 
> on the whole you seem like you are pretty solid person but I really question your thinking on this not willing to look at the device's attitude.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I realize that most people would assume cheating, therefore they'd check. It's just not something I feel he'd do. It's hard to explain. He's never on the phone where I can't hear him. I'm not right there listening, but he's never hidden calls. 

I went into his phone once to get a relative's number and all the incoming and outgoing calls were family, me, and friends.

He leaves his facebook up on his laptop all the time and sometimes I go on that computer if the kids are playing a game on mine. He isn't hiding anything like that. When he's not at work he's either here, taking the kids somewhere, or with his friend, who is married to one of my best friends. He sometimes hangs with guys from work, and I know he's not lying about that. I've known them for years, and when they are out they post pics of them at Buffalo Wild Wings. 

He is a homebody and hasn't changed his behaviors as far as being on the computer, phone or out the house.

If he goes out shopping, he is there and right back with whatever new dvd he bought. 

Unless he is screwing someone at work (and I highly doubt it because almost all of them are men and the only couple women are older and not his type) then I don't see when he'd be doing it. He's not gone for lots of time that can't be explained. If he's out and I call him, he always answers if he's not driving.

These are reasons I don't suspect cheating. 

My husband is also a terrible liar, like about anything big or small, he can't hide it when he's lying. 

When we first started having these issues I asked him if he was, because I think that is the first thing that comes to mind.


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

if you're so sure there's nothing there is and certainly it doesn't hurt to look. Because what you think you know is not necessarily what you know.

I got nothing else for you. you are in a situation where you can't rule out pornography and you can't rule out cheating. my guy doesn't want to have sex with you and you are married to him. I guess you're going to have to learn to live with it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I don't know that you can rationalize away the desire to have children. It's not necessarily something that comes from the logical part of the brain. It would be like somebody trying to rationalize away their desire to have sex.


----------



## alonetogether8 (Aug 25, 2014)

MaritimeGuy said:


> I don't know that you can rationalize away the desire to have children. It's not necessarily something that comes from the logical part of the brain. It would be like somebody trying to rationalize away their desire to have sex.



I can't just get over it like he wants me to. I have tried, and even though I am not going to get my way, it's hard to accept. I am not willing to leave him so that I can have another baby or anything crazy like that. I value him more than a non-existent baby. It's just hard to realize something you want is never going to happen.

To the posters who said I should snoop. I did. I found nothing out of the ordinary. I went through all his facebook messages. There weren't many because he isn't on there a lot. All of them were to and from family members, his close male friends and co-workers and me. There was one woman I didn't recognize, and it startled me momentarily, but I realized after going to her profile that she's his godmother and like 65 years old, so I wasn't concerned. 

I looked at his phone. There were text messages on there from over a year ago and they were all innocuous. Mostly ones from me, his closest friend, coworkers, his sister and his mom. I looked through photos, nothing weird, just ones of us with the kids and random stuff.

I doubt he's got a secret phone. I have access to our accounts online where we pay most of the bills online. He has a phone that is for work, but it can only be used at work, so it's useless unless he's there. And, it's monitored by his work. 

I went way back in the history on his computer and pretty much the only sites that show up are the ones he's on regularly..game sites, ebay, collectors, stuff like that. 

I did find links where he'd watched porn videos, and I like I said, he's never hidden it. It was spaced out over time, so not a lot, but there was one month in particular where there were a lot more links than I'd expect. That was one time when he was out of town almost a week and had his laptop, so it's not an issue. I don't feel he watches porn excessively and that it's that cause of our problems.

I will update soon. I spoke with him for almost 2 hours this morning, and after I talked to him, cried, told him every thought I had (including many of the the ones you all shared, he finally opened up more to me and now I have some more insight) 

I will write more about that soon, but it's a lot to go over.

I have never felt like it was about him cheating. I am not a naive person and have been screwed over by many people in my life and learned my lessons. I am very good at telling when someone is lying to me or leaving out details, and like I said, he's a terrible liar.


----------



## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I think it's good you had an honest talk and he has opened up a bit. I think the best marriages are ones where there is good communication.


----------



## bestwife (May 10, 2014)

Interesting story, I reccomend checking his T level too. Or maybe he have some bad period. Maybe time will resolve everything


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I'm glad you didn't find anything. It's very helpful to rule these things out.

my only comment about what you found would be a question about the game sites. Does he spend an excessive amount of time on game sites? Because off in there is a chat function and more than a few people have started up online emotional affairs through game site chatk functions.

apart from that I'm really glad the two of you spoke. Don't rush to get back to us because you should spend time thinking about it in the absence of us and then be able to go back to him for clarification before seeking a third party opinion. 

I hope that what he provided you is encouraging.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## speeedbump (Mar 12, 2013)

alonetogether8 said:


> michzz said:
> 
> 
> > I know we need counseling, but he will not go. Before when I suggested it he acted like I was being silly, that I am making problems up in my head or something.
> ...


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

when men watch porn regularly it tells me they have libido and are interested in sex and (probably) not a T issue, otherwise they wouldn't be into porn.

When men watch porn regularly AND are not interested in sex with wife, tells me something is going on in the marriage he's avoiding her.


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

He couldn't prefer porn to a woman? Of course he could.


----------

