# Can Marriage Work with Very Little Sex?



## DifferentGuyInIdaho (Jan 8, 2015)

My situation is perhaps a bit different than what I read from most men on here. I am 54 and in a serious relationship. I grew up in an alcoholic family (my Mom) so home life was extremely stressful. Athletics and self-sex were my only stress relievers. I was committed to remaining a virgin until I married and did not marry until I was 30. So I probably had 15 years or so of self-sex before I was ever with a woman. In those days porn was not as available as today but I still had exposure to some. I was not that into the porn though.

After I married I discovered my wife's only use for sex was to get pregnant. Once she got pregnant sex stopped until she was ready to get pregnant again. After our third child she was unable to get pregnant again so sex pretty much stopped. The last 8 years of our marriage was sexless. So I was back to self-sex. She had other issues and the marriage was pretty miserable but I hung in there. Eventually I began to suffer from some serious stress related health problems and began to have to take a lot of meds. I lasted 19 years before my health issues were just too much for me to go on like that.

We were divorced 8 years ago. Since then I have been in some relationships but no longer feel natural having sex. It feels awkward and I hate initiating it. For years I also had performance issues. Finally a year ago I discovered I had low-T, low thyroid, and adrenal fatigue. I am on meds for all of those and my libido came back strong once on the testosterone and my performance issues went away. Despite that sex was still not satisfying. It's not porn or even self-sex. I have largely avoided both. I love to hold hands, kiss, hug, cuddle but not be intimate.

I love my girl friend and she wants to get married. I have explained to her my aversion to sex. She says she is fine with that so long as I am there for her when she needs it. I can do that. I still fear though that over time she may feel rejected or unattractive if I am not initiating sex. I could but I would really be faking interest. My libido has now disappeared again.

Its not uncommon for people with my background to have intimacy issues (emotional intimacy). I have very few emotions. I can't relax during sex and enjoy it nor do I find it to be emotionally intimate. However I'm not a guy who just wants sex for release. I love her and do loving things including plenty of affection. I just don't feel comfortable having sex. 

Maybe she can handle things being this way but I want us to wait a good period of time before marrying for her to be sure. She is eager for us to buy a house together and plan a trip to Italy next summer but I am hesitant in case she decides this is too much for her.

By the way I have been seeing a good sex counselor for 2 years now and nothing has improved for me. I still see her but this seems to be deep seated.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I think it's a good idea to wait before marriage. Make sure she knows how you feel about sex. Maybe having sex with her before marriage will re-ignite your interest. If it doesn't, at least she will realize what she is in for and can make an informed decision about marrying you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It can. You just have to find someone like-minded.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

Your post wasn't exactly clear with this, have you had sex since your divorce? With your current girlfriend or other relationships? Or have you not had sex since with your wife? I feel like the advice could be different depending on that... if you have remained celibate since your divorce, I would say not only your childhood but also your wife's enforcing of procreational only sex definitely affected you. Being in a healthy relationship with someone who respects you sexually could change all that. I know it's definitely not quite that simple, I am sorry you are experiencing this. It is good that you are being open with your girlfriend about reality and she seems accepting.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Maybe you are asexual.


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## DifferentGuyInIdaho (Jan 8, 2015)

Adeline said:


> Your post wasn't exactly clear with this, have you had sex since your divorce? With your current girlfriend or other relationships? Or have you not had sex since with your wife? I feel like the advice could be different depending on that... if you have remained celibate since your divorce, I would say not only your childhood but also your wife's enforcing of procreational only sex definitely affected you. Being in a healthy relationship with someone who respects you sexually could change all that. I know it's definitely not quite that simple, I am sorry you are experiencing this. It is good that you are being open with your girlfriend about reality and she seems accepting.


I have had limited sex in relationships since my divorce. At first it was challenging as my, then unknown low-T, was interfering. With my girl friend I am now with we have had sex numerous times. I still found it awkward but was able bring her pleasure and "perform." The actual sex is good but getting into the mood and initiating is hard. Early on she seemed to orgasm a lot more than in the last couple of months. 

From the perspective of someone who has had so little partner sex it seems like more trouble than it's worth. Self-sex is so much easier and more convenient. No need to initiate, you don't have to wait until you can be together and your partner is in the mood. I guess the difference between me and most people is that self-sex is preferable to partner sex.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How old is your GF? 

C


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Is you girlfriend happy/ok with this? If so, it could work.

If not, you need to find someone on your page.


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## Eagle3 (Dec 4, 2013)

_Is you girlfriend happy/ok with this? If so, it could work.

If not, you need to find someone on your page. _

This response is spot on and stated very simply for your question. Everyone and relationship is different. People that are highly sexual will read this and be like no way can this work.

The key is what does your partner agree and feel with this? If she is the same manner as you and all the other parts of a relationship is what she needs outside of sex than yes this will probably work. But if she has doubts that she can not have sex in her life she needs to tell you and you need to let her go. Cause (and this is not saying you are right or wrong) you most likely wont change how you are. Better to know that now.


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## DifferentGuyInIdaho (Jan 8, 2015)

PBear said:


> How old is your GF?
> 
> C


She just turned 52.

I should add that she has shared in the past that her own libido is pretty low and she feels that at times she could go a month without sex. In the past the men she's been with have always wanted sex often enough that her own needs were met while meeting their needs so she never had to initiate. In other words they wanted sex frequently enough that chances are the times when she really wanted it fell within the days they wanted it. She also shared that women often take their partner's interest in sex as a way to gauge how their partner is feeling about them. Of course if the guy wants sex 24x7 and does nothing for her then she would not see it as a gauge. I know for some being desired sexually is something that makes them feel good. Whether their own needs are great or small they like feeling desired.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ok but none of that answered - is she ok with the arrangement you have?


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## DifferentGuyInIdaho (Jan 8, 2015)

Eagle3 said:


> _Is you girlfriend happy/ok with this? If so, it could work.
> 
> If not, you need to find someone on your page. _
> 
> ...


I totally agree which is why I am trying to make sure she "counts the cost." At this point in my life I too doubt I will change. If this proved to be too much for her I would let her go with no hard feelings. She has every right to want the kind of relationship that is best for her.

If things don't work out between us though I am done looking. She is a very wonderful woman who is super understanding, loving, and patient. However I am increasingly stressed. Due to my past and how stress has affected me even being in a good relationship is somewhat stressful. I've been very stressed of late worrying about the sex thing and wondering if she will truly be happy in the long run. I can't go on with my stress level this high. If I can't find peace then I will have no choice but to end it and just live alone the rest of my life. If I can't make it work with her I will never make it work with anyone. I am a loner at heart though so the thought of staying single does not freak me out.


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## DifferentGuyInIdaho (Jan 8, 2015)

Jellybeans said:


> Ok but none of that answered - is she ok with the arrangement you have?


She says she is but I still wonder. I get the sense that there is still some concern in that area on her part. She has a hard time reading me and I have a hard time telling if she is in the mood. If I knew she was in the mood and felt the need I would initiate. I do love her and want her to have her needs met. I just can't tell. She has said in the past that if she really feels the need she will initiate. I guess I need to ask her how I know she is initiating as it takes something pretty overt for me to get the idea.


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## DifferentGuyInIdaho (Jan 8, 2015)

Jellybeans said:


> Maybe you are asexual.


Possible although when I posted on the #1 site for asexuality the consensus there was that I was not asexual. They felt I just had a lot of issues to work through. That said the definition of asexual is fairly broad.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Would you consider an open marriage? Offer your wife a pass to get some on the side if you aren't able to? Or would you prefer exclusivity, but without sex?


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

If you are both 'LD' and are both happy with sex, say, once a month then I really don't see it as an issue atall. 
If, however she wants sex more often than you then yes it could well lead to problems.

I know what you mean about going 'off' sex. I have been in a sexless marriage for 10+ years. On the rare occasion that my wife 'comes on' to me I, more often than not, can't rise to the occasion. I think this is because as she has rejected me so often in the past and is generally not interested in sex I no longer see her as a 'sexual object', but more as the mother of our children and someone I share a house with than somoen with whom I can be sexually intimate with.

I don't know how I would 'react' with a different woman...


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

DifferentGuyInIdaho said:


> . . . . *So I probably had 15 years or so of self-sex before I was ever with a woman. *In those days porn was not as available as today but I still had exposure to some. I was not that into the porn though.
> 
> After I married I discovered my wife's only use for sex was to get pregnant. Once she got pregnant sex stopped until she was ready to get pregnant again. After our third child she was unable to get pregnant again so sex pretty much stopped. *The last 8 years of our marriage was sexless. So I was back to self-sex.* She had other issues and the marriage was pretty miserable but I hung in there. Eventually I began to suffer from some serious stress related health problems and began to have to take a lot of meds. I lasted 19 years before my health issues were just too much for me to go on like that.
> 
> ...





DifferentGuyInIdaho said:


> From the perspective of someone who has had so little partner sex it seems like more trouble than it's worth. *Self-sex is so much easier and more convenient. No need to initiate, you don't have to wait until you can be together and your partner is in the mood. I guess the difference between me and most people is that self-sex is preferable to partner sex.*





DifferentGuyInIdaho said:


> Possible although when I posted on the #1 site for asexuality the consensus there was *that I was not asexual. They felt I just had a lot of issues to work through. *That said the definition of asexual is fairly broad.


You've always enjoyed orgasms, since you started self-sex at 15. So that's a positive.

How did you feel about your ex-wife's "procreation only" sex? When the sex disappeared completely at 8 years; how did you feel? Angry, unloved, disappointed, abandoned.?? Did you tell your then-wife how you felt? How did she respond?

Of course you no longer feel natural having sex (with others). Your abysmal experience with your first sexual partner would tend to put you off being sexually open and available to another human being.

Could your libido be disappearing again; because marriage was very unsatisfying last time around. You're about to get married. Connect the dots.

I'm glad you're seeing a counselor. Are you completely honest with them? If you hold back; you're wasting your time and money.

Once again; you state how you enjoy self-sex. So, from the age of 15, you've taken pleasure in your body and having orgasms. Great. Your very peculiar marriage has warped that in some way. Why do you think you chose your first wife? Did you know going into that marriage that it would be like that? Were you shocked when things unfolded as they did? Did you ask for more sex; and were constantly rejected? I mean, if you thought you were going to have a physically loving marriage -- then you got "just to make babies" sex. Then you have been damaged by that.

I don't think you are asexual either.

I don't know what to say about your current relationship.

I'd be more concerned with how you lost your sexual self over the years. Because that's what has happened.


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