# No cure for the 10-year itch?



## Jack_Sprat (Aug 6, 2012)

Hello all,

This is my first post, please be nice to me. I stumbled across this forum looking for free advice / comiseration / solutions on a google search. I lurked a bit and now throwing my situation out there for public ridicule. Here goes, about half my life story in a paragraph:

I've been happily(ish) married for over 10 years now. My wife and I dated for about 4 months, were engaged for 6 weeks, and no, no one was pregnant at the time. We were in our early 20's and I was somehow inexplicably my wife's first 'real' boyfriend. I say inexplicably because she was in a word, hot. About 130lbs, fit, outgoing, good dancer, and shall we say, filled a tight sweater nicely. I was, and am, kinda a pseudo-athletic skinny nerd. She was at the time the hottest girl to ever go on a second date with me, and she liked me, REALLY liked me. Then we got married. First couple years the wife put on a few pounds... meh, that happens. No big deal. I pretended not to notice (that's what we're supposed to do, right?). We move from the midwest to the east coast to support her career (and arguably at the expense of mine) that lasts another few years, and a couple dozen more pounds. Kinda starting to bother me then, so at my insistence we take up some outdoor hobbies together, biking, kayaking, outdoorsy adventrure stuff. That was fun, and kept the accumulating pounds at bay. Then came our first born. Given that she was taking time off of her work and I was offered a great career advancement back in the midwest, it seemed as though fate was sending us back to the midwest - I didn't think we fit in so great with those east coast types anyway. I totally ignore all weight gain during pregnancy and pretty much all the hard core outdoorsy hobbies come to an end. Fast forward 3 more years, I have a brilliant 3 year old boy who does not sleep, ever, best I can tell, and a wife over 2X the size of the one I married. I thought it was going to be a wake up call when she litterally COULD NOT REALLY FIT in the passenger or driver seat of TWO of our sports cars, one of which is HERS. Our arguments, though relatively rare, are usually the same script. She is upset over something minor, and it then turns into I don't want to have sex with her anymore (well, I don't kinda), and I must be cheating on her (I am not), and the rest of the argument I don't really understand because it is drown out by the sounds of her own sobbing. We have clearly had the discussion that I want her to be happy healthy and fit, not just because I want a sexy wife, but because at the current trajectory she's going to die of heart failure or diabetes or some other fat person disease by age 40, and then I'll have no one to do my laundry (jk).

Now, I know I'm going to take a lot of fire for being so callous, but really, if it bothers her enough to have a regular sobbing breakdown, why, for the love of all that is holy, won't she DO something about it. She will NOT go on a REAL diet. She makes statements like 'I'm trying to eat healthier' or some BS like that, but I don't see it. I would totally be willing to take on with her whatever diet or exercise regemine it takes to get my outdoorsy fun loving skinny wife back, and leave the fat slob eating junkfood on the couch in my past... and I want to do it WITHOUT a divorce and a midlife crisis. I love my little boy and 1/2 of my assets to much for that. I have several times offered to eat every meal with her, leaving work every day, if she would cut out all the junk food between meals. This suggestion ends predictably - another sobbing fit as described above.

Add to this, I'm getting a bad case of 10-year itch. I am not a cheater, but man how I long for the days of having a fit young mate willing to hop in a sportscar and ride off on an adventure with me. Those days are a fading memory now. She still goes on adventures with me, but it's just not the same at all. Buying a bigger sports car to accomidate a bigger wife seems somehow... wrong.

Advice? Care to tell me about what a selfish pig I am? Anything constructive to say?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Jack_Sprat said:


> We have clearly had the discussion that I want her to be happy healthy and fit, not just because I want a sexy wife


You need to stop lying to her. Go pick up the book his needs her needs. One of the top five needs of men is an attractive wife. In it there are (I think ways) to tell your wife how you really feel.

Yes you absolutely want a sexy wife and if she doesn't get a clue you are at risk for an affair or divorce. And in a gentle sort of way she needs a wake up call as to how bad this is.

Now from her side I'm wondering what has driven her to eat so much. What is so bad that's causing her to self medicate with food? Would she consider counseling to work on both your marriage and her unhappiness? I bet she can't stop eating. It's become her drug of choice.


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

I don't think you're a selfish pig at all. Your concerns and worries are totally normal given your situation. Has she had her thyroid checked? I'd be interested to see your replies to Mavash's questions too. The key here is to speak in a language she understands. Men and women often have a hard time doing that. We say what we want to say, but they don't hear it because it's not in a language they understand. Emotions get in the way. Perhaps some couples counseling would help you speak in the same languages?


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## Jojara (Aug 1, 2012)

I lived this situation for years...however on the other side. I was the girl who gradually got heavier and heavier and my marriage got worse and worse. Looking back, I coped with emotional 'crap' by eating. And every comment was a blow to my self esteem which was gradually going down the toilet. I hated how I looked, and it was the most humiliating thing in the world to know that he was hating how I looked moreso all the time. Ugh. It makes my stomach sick to remember what a horrible place in life that was.

I wish I had some good advice to give you, but I dont. For me, I had to get to a place where I felt good about myself regardless of how overweight I was. I had to feel smart, capable, beautiful, and sexy...EVERY overweight pound of sexy. It was then, that I was able to drop the pounds and get into shape. The emotional 'feel good' had to come first...if that makes sense.

Good luck


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## Jack_Sprat (Aug 6, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> You need to stop lying to her....
> 
> Yes you absolutely want a sexy wife and if she doesn't get a clue you are at risk for an affair or divorce....


She knows I want a sexy wife, and I feel as though I have made that clear, but driving the point I think only makes her more suspicious I am cheating on her, which I have NEVER done, not even close. But I have to watch myself as to not compliment or notice another female near my age as this will bother her to no end. (Something I think is totally rediculous)



Mavash. said:


> Now from her side I'm wondering what has driven her to eat so much. What is so bad that's causing her to self medicate with food? Would she consider counseling to work on both your marriage and her unhappiness? I bet she can't stop eating. It's become her drug of choice.


I honestly don't know, I have really tried to give her a good life. I don't want to judge her for it, but I know I do. And I know she knows that, and that makes her more depressed, and apparently depressed = hungry.

C123:
On the thyroid, I don't know, but I would assume so. She goes to semi-regular appointments with her doc. 

As for couples counseling, I've never mentioned it, and been reluctant to do so. It is one of those things that would have to happen in secret. I can just hear my family especially now.. "Marriage counseling? I didn't know their marriage was in trouble. blah blah blah." And relatively speaking, our marriage does not show the outward signs of a marriage in trouble.... It's just a stigma thing, which I guess I should get over.


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

A lot of the advice you"ll get on this site will involve marital counseling. There should not be a stigma associated with something that is designed to make your marriage better, although I know some people look down upon it. Frankly, if family members and friends truly cared, they would support whatever you two do in an effort to improve your marriage. I get where you're coming from though. There's no reason to share it with them. It's no ones business buy yours.

You need to communicate better. That goes for both of you. Otherwise, you're both going to get more and more resentful of each other until the bubble bursts.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Depression isn't something that just goes away on it's own nor can you love it out of her. She needs help to learn how to cope with her life without food.

And yes you need to get over the stigma of counseling. Your marriage IS in trouble and the sooner you get help the better. Marriage counseling is what saved us. We sought help at year 7 and are now happy at year 21. Couldn't have made it otherwise.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Jack_Sprat,

Overeating is a compulsive behavior. Your wife is clearly unable to overcome this on her own. Although you are not responsible for her (bad) choices, as her husband you are definitely responsible for loving her, understanding her, being empathetic and helping her.

Overeating is such a big problem these days, there are so many good and bad programs offering solutions to this problem that I don't know where to start. You two need to have a plan, like joining and following a 12-step program for overeating, and you need to support your wife and keep her on track. 

Sorry to say, but yet another guy finds out that they took on a lot bigger job than they thought when they said "I do". So much for full disclosure


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Jack_Sprat said:


> driving the point I think only makes her more suspicious I am cheating on her


So cut her some slack and stop contributing to the problem


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## Couleur (Apr 4, 2012)

I agree that you've got to get your wife to realize how seriously the issue of her weight is affecting your marriage. I like the idea of having her read His Needs, Her Needs and/or taking the quizzes would be one way to have a conversation.


There's one thing that other posters haven't touched on - and that is that you say you have a very active 3 year old son. I'm wondering to what extent having children has impacted your wife? I feel like each time I had a child I lost 2 (or 3) years of my life. I was still able to go to work, but I was treading water. I stopped having any time for myself -- stopped exercising, reading for pleasure, etc. And, I didn't want to admit to my husband how overwhelmed I was by becoming a mom -- after all, we both wanted kids so much! -- so I didn't talk about how difficult it was. 

So, maybe you need to sit your wife down and say "I want to talk to you as your friend and as your husband & lover. As a friend, it concerns me to see how much weight you've gained in the past 3 years. I am concerned about your health, about whether or not you are happy, about how well you'll be able to care for your child. As your husband/lover I am concerned about how this is impacting our relationship, both in and out of the bedroom. What can I do to help?" You might brainstorm about whether it would be effective for you to watch your child so she can go to the gym. It might also work for you to say "I want to do this with you. Let's both join a gym/ take classes together/ commit to eating healthier and go through the pantry & fridge together and toss out all the junk, etc"


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Is there any obvious reason you wife has put on weight? Over eating is to compensate for something lacking in a different area in people's life alot of the time.


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

Sometimes it's true that they just can't get the weight off, which can be very disheartening. For the entire length of our marriage, has obsessed about getting back her college volleyball body. She eats like a bird, runs 3-5 miles a day, every day, and has lost about five pounds in the last two or three years.

I, on the other hand, spend most of my time lying on the couch watching TV Land, eating Cheetos and drinking Diet Mountain Dew, and I've lost the same amount.

I can't recommend anything you haven't tried or other posters have suggested. But if you're even mentioning the idea that an affair is even a possibility, it looks like you may have already made your choice.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

You are having a mid-life crisis. Anytime you long for the dreams of your youth you are failing to see the present.

If you cheat you will regret it. This would be a huge mistake that will haunt your future days.

You may be responsible for her weigh issue to some degree. Before you deny it, consider what you are sharing with all of us and understand she feels pain from how you look at her.

She is the same girl. Did you only marry her for her looks at that time? If so, the younger you set yourself up for failure. No one will always look the same.


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## Jack_Sprat (Aug 6, 2012)

Thank you all,

I see there is a 'His Needs, Her Needs' and a 'His Needs, Her Needs for Parents'...

Given that we've got a 3 year old running our lives now, would the latter be a more appropriate book?


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

You keep mentioning sports cars and running off on adventures and yet you have a 3 year old. I'm just curious about what the situation is with the balance of housework and child care in the home? Does your wife work? Do you help out with your son? I'm just wondering if maybe your wife is overwhelmed with the responsibilities of parenthood and isn't prioritizing her health? Could you pick 2-3 times a week to take care of your son for an hour so she can workout?

I know when my exh was obsessed with video games, I didn't have time to workout because I had to work full-time AND take care of everything at home. Once he quit playing video games and we spent several evenings a week at the gym, we both got in much better shape. This might not be an issue in your case but I thought I would throw it out there.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Why is the 3 year old running your lives?


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

I agree with Coleur and justonelife. Becoming a mom was the most wonderful but at the same time hardest thing I have ever done. My mother had six kids and I still don't know how she did it. Granted, her and my father were insane, so that could explain it. 

Being a parent can be overwhelming, and to be a mom, knowing it messes our bodies up, changes our hormones, changes our lives forever, and then being expected to carry on like you did when you were young and single? Man...that's got to be a load on her shoulders. I know what it's like to see young, skinny, twenty year old women who haven't had kids and feel sad because I'll never look like that again and because I work constantly a full time job and at home and have no time to work out and eat the right things and take care of myself to try to get back to resembling that person I was. That's a whole lot of pressure...and i didn't have the love of my life harping on me about my body and how I don't look the same or behave like I used to either.


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## MiriRose (Mar 12, 2012)

Hi Jack - You've been really honest about the issues in your marriage, and I think that's a great thing. I can tell you really love your wife, and it seems like you're trying to encourage her to get healthier. Weight is certainly an emotional topic for us women, and it sounds like your wife is having a tough time right now. I work at Focus on the Family, and I wanted to let you know about a couple of books they offer that you and your wife might be interested in called _For Men Only_ and _For Women Only_. Also, if you do decide to get counseling, Focus offers referrals to marriage counselors, and they also have counselors available to speak with you over the phone for free (one time consultation). Hope this info is helpful. God bless you!


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Have you suggested that you work out together?

Go on "family hikes", even if short, with the 3-year old along?

Go on family bike rides?

Wife work outside of the home?

I would also suggest that you STOP saying anything at all about her weight to her. Go grocery shopping youself and get that healthy food. Do you cook? Or does she do all the cooking?

Also, about the "sports cars".......isn't it time for a nice family car? Why do you have to have 2 sports cars? Keeping up with the Jones'?

AND what's wrong with us East Coasters?


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## Jack_Sprat (Aug 6, 2012)

Update... I kinda screwed up, and good or bad, all this is out in the open now as I apparently carelessly left this thread open in the background, and she read every word of it. This was NOT how I wanted to start this conversation... well, one long talk followed. There was nothing in this thread she didn't already know. She was a bit miffed that I was discussing it with anonymous strangers, I think. 

Anyway, now that I've got no secrets with her, I picked up 'His Needs her Needs for Parents', about half way through it now. That book has some pretty tall demands, IMO!

She wrote a long list of diet rules she is now promising to keep, and got me to commit to a list of milestone incintives for losing the next 60 pounds, ranging from fixings things I've been putting off around the house to some rather expensive jewelery. If it works, worth every bit of effort and every penny. 

Short answers - yes we try to exercise as a family - we take walks together, go to local parks and whatnot. I took up jogging for a short time with a friend of mine, but I could never get her to even consider working up to a powerwalk/jogging pace, and eventually gave up on jogging myself, spending that time in the garage instead.

About the sportscars: they have become so much of who I, and really we are that getting rid of them all together is just not a consideration. She used to really be in to it (or pretended to be, anyway for my benefit) now I think she simply tolerates my affection for high maintenance death traps. We do have a Jetta as the "mommy mobile" and believe it or not, a child seat will fit in the back of an air-cooled 911, so for a while that was kinda family friendly too. However, with competition bucket seats installed, the wife not fitting so much, espically with the seat forward enough to fit the car seat in the back. My Lotus has sat in the garage immobile with junk accumulating on top of it for litterally 10 months now. Neither of the sportscars impress my neighbors, actually they're old, quirky, and drip oil, and I suspect my neighbor would be pleased to see me replace them with a Prius.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

I take medication for a mood disorder. I used to overeat due to depression. Once my brain chemistry was right after being medicated I lost weight without even dieting or exercising. Your wife might try seeing a psychiatrist. There are meds out there for depression that have weight loss as a side effect plus if she feels good emotionally she may stop overeating.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I know someone who nearly died because her doctor could not recognise the symptoms of a problematic thyroid. So for the sake of your wife, please do not assume doctor knows best. Sometimes, they do not.


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