# Her past is her past, but im part of it



## Stuckonstupid (Jan 24, 2010)

Now I know Im not the first one to have issues dealing with my wifes past. The difference here is that im part of my wifes past. We dated in her junior year of high school..... we broke up after the summer and she almost immediately dated another guy. He ended up being her first, they got fairly serious, even had a pregnancy scare because they werent being cautious. Anyways, things got rocky with him, on pure coincedence we ran into each other, and shortly after she stopped seeing him, me and her started up again. Now things have been great, we have our problems on and off but its 95% cool runnings, but were married with kids now and its been 8 years. What eats at me is that time we broke up. Something in my heart, always tells me I should have her one and only. We should have been each others first, and I am the only guy she should have ever been with. I get crazy thoughts sometimes, of like her with him instead of with me. I seem to always second guess my self. Its not an endowment thing, im well endowed(not bragging just saying i dont have envy). I always wonder what made him a better man even for a short time. Was he sweeter, more seductive, cuter, a better personality. And now its spread to other things, now when I see my wife even talk to another guy i size myself up against him, to see what she could be seeing in him over me. TO the guys who read this, im not an insensitive jerk who cant let go of the fact that i wasnt the better man at the time. TO the ladies who read this, I know I am not being fair to my wife to discuss her past when after we made our vows, we promised to let our pasts be just that, in the past. And I know I should be supportive of all decisions she makes past present or future. ANyone out there with advice, short of counseling(which i have already signed up for) to help me realize I am a great man, and that even though I wasnt the first, I can still be the best and her soul mate without worry ??


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

No nothing short of counseling.. You should get some. The past is not the problem nor what happened.. Your clinging to it IS.
You need to let it go, stop dwelling on it. There is nothing to resolve there.
Yep, I know and obvious that this is not easy for you but that does not change the task.

Stop bringing it up especially to your wife.


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## Stuckonstupid (Jan 24, 2010)

I understand what your saying, I wish it was that easy, anyone who can snap their fingers and solve their problems that quick certainly wouldnt come on these boards looking for advice. Anyone a little more positive yet constructive?


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Stuckonstupid said:


> I understand what your saying, I wish it was that easy, anyone who can snap their fingers and solve their problems that quick certainly wouldnt come on these boards looking for advice. Anyone a little more positive yet constructive?


Im sure you'll get more responses here. There are some pretty good folks.
I thought what i wrote was very positive!. 
I didnt say it was easy. You said "resolve their problems". There is no problem and nothing to resolve.

You love your wife, she loves you, you have a nice life with kiddies. I cant see the problem other than the one in your head, which you perpetuate.

I'll shut up now


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## nikon (Nov 9, 2009)

Ok, here's another point of view. 

1. Be happy that you eventually got her back. Many of us didn't find our true love when we were 15, some never find it. She is yours now. Treasure her, cherish her. Life is never a fairy-tale picture perfect, but your life seems close. You have someone special who returned to you, who obviously loves you, who chose YOU!

2. It's good to have some "sex experience" with other people. It sort of gives you a better perspective and you can differ good from bad. If for instance she only had sex with you she might later wonder if you are a bad lover and if there's something better out there... But if you're a lot better than her first - bonus points for you! Also, women who only had one sex partner can eventually develop a dangerous fantasy to sleep with other men (and gain some experience).

3. You seems to be over-competitive. So, she was with another guy. Don't forget she is with you now - back with you! Which is a very good sign. It is definitely harder to keep a woman than to get a woman. Don't forget that. Also, we all make mistakes - sometimes we end up dating someone we don't like at all... But every experience is important - It defines us, matures us. There are lessons to be learned. Every relationship is an opportunity to learn, to discover... and eventually every relationship brings you closer to what you really want, or should I say who... How do you know you like apples best if you never tried any other fruit?

4. Your "problem" is really not a problem. You need to learn to let it go. Forget what didn't happen. Forget how it "should've been" - focus on the future, cherish what you've got NOW. You might lose it one day, if you forget how lucky you are to have found someone who came back to you.

If you love something, set it free -
a tip from Alison Will****s

"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was. We do not possess anything in this world, least of all other people. We only imagine that we do. Our friends, our lovers, our spouses, even our children are not ours; they belong only to themselves. Possessive and controlling friendships and relationships can be as harmful as neglect."


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Here's one woman's perspective: it had NOTHING to do with the other guy, it had everything to do with when she felt "ready." The fact that she was a high school senior suggests she probably didn't just let him (or someone before him) pressure her into it--she held out til she felt ready for the responsibility of sex. At that point, it would have been whichever guy was available and she felt comfortable with--didn't mean he was really special in any particular way.

Get some counseling to deal with you insecurities. This is such a silly thing to spend energy on--and threaten a marriage. You clearly have issues about measuring up (in other ways), and it has nothing to do with your wife or her behavior. Why don't you feel you are "good enough?" Figure that out and then you'll be able to gain self-confidence-the REAL kind, that doesn't need jealousy or control of another to feel in control of a situation. Don't wait--you will only damage your relationship with your wife if you let this eat away at you. Good luck.


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## Stuckonstupid (Jan 24, 2010)

I get what you guys are saying. WHats funny is that years ago I was someone giving advice on message boards for dating couples. The more and more I think about this, I think you guys are right, im wasting time and energy, making her relieve her past which she doesnt REALLY wanna do anyway and stressing myself. Im not too proud to say I need counseling to be a better man. Its funny, we talked tonight about things to make our great relationship go to the next level of outstanding, and she thanked me. She said even though I did it in a weird way, she admires that I stressed over trying to be the best guy and #1 for her. She understands how I feel and knows I want to be the best dad/husband ever, and that she loves me the way I am. She says not to dilute the strides ive made in the last 8 years of being everything for her. Made me feel good about myself. She said she will work on letting me know how important I am and the kids are to her, and thats shes overworked at her job and thats why sometimes it may seem like im not doing enough to get the right reactions but she is just really tired. She just got done breastpumping for my youngest a few months ago, so shes back on schedule for sleep, but the long days of work are taking a toll. Me opening up and talking to her on a negative thing turned into a great growth and awareness in our marriage. Thank god for openness and communication in marriages.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

"openness and communication in marriages"

That's the key.
I see a little bit of refocus on your part, from this discussion from the past towards the present and future. Awesome.
All the best.


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## MattLord (Jan 29, 2012)

Dear StuckonStupid, 

I happen to be in very much the exact same situation, however not as far down the road - we have only just started dating again. May I ask, if you were in my position would you consider breaking things off before it got even more serious or carry on regardless, knowing that things wont ever be 'perfect'? 

The way I see it, as a man, how can you deal with being flat out her second choice? Albeit in the past, how can you be sure she wont choose him or someone else over you again in the future? I don't think anyone or anything can tell you that. 

Thanks for the post btw I actually found what you were asking quite clear and fair.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds like for a long time this really did not bother you. And now out of the blue it's become quite an issue with you. What happened in your life about the time you started to obsess on this topic?


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

MattLord said:


> Dear StuckonStupid,
> 
> I happen to be in very much the exact same situation, however not as far down the road - we have only just started dating again. May I ask, if you were in my position would you consider breaking things off before it got even more serious or carry on regardless, knowing that things wont ever be 'perfect'?
> 
> ...


The original poster, stuckonstupid, started this thread in 2010. I don't know if you looked at how old this discussion is. And it looks like he hasn't been posting here since 2010 either.


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## MattLord (Jan 29, 2012)

Coffee Amore said:


> The original poster, stuckonstupid, started this thread in 2010. I don't know if you looked at how old this discussion is. And it looks like he hasn't been posting here since 2010 either.


Hey Coffee Amore.

Yes, I did read the date, thanks. Just thought I would post to offer my opinion in case he does read it and for others in similar situations. 

Thanks for pointing it out anyway.


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## abk (Feb 3, 2012)

Stuckonstupid said:


> I get what you guys are saying. WHats funny is that years ago I was someone giving advice on message boards for dating couples. The more and more I think about this, I think you guys are right, im wasting time and energy, making her relieve her past which she doesnt REALLY wanna do anyway and stressing myself. Im not too proud to say I need counseling to be a better man. Its funny, we talked tonight about things to make our great relationship go to the next level of outstanding, and she thanked me. She said even though I did it in a weird way, she admires that I stressed over trying to be the best guy and #1 for her. She understands how I feel and knows I want to be the best dad/husband ever, and that she loves me the way I am. She says not to dilute the strides ive made in the last 8 years of being everything for her. Made me feel good about myself. She said she will work on letting me know how important I am and the kids are to her, and thats shes overworked at her job and thats why sometimes it may seem like im not doing enough to get the right reactions but she is just really tired. She just got done breastpumping for my youngest a few months ago, so shes back on schedule for sleep, but the long days of work are taking a toll. Me opening up and talking to her on a negative thing turned into a great growth and awareness in our marriage. Thank god for openness and communication in marriages.


Sounds like she made the right choice in the end, and knows it. That's why she want's to put effort into making you feel better ... wonderful. Good job by both of you on great communication, so many of us can learn a lot...
Maybe old thread but great lesson


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