# Am I wrong for feeling like this, be honest



## sweets (May 27, 2012)

Hi, new to the board. Here is a little history. Married to husband almost 18yrs. One child. We are both in our early 40's.

Last night we started to get into a heated arguement. I decided and have always said I will not argue in front of my son.I told my husband i would go on the deck to talk but he did not follow. So i decided to leave the home and go for a ride. Not far from home I decide to turn back and pack some items of clothes for the night as I could not forsee me coming home that night due to the argueing. My husband watched me leave the home and not once asked me to stay and talk, not once attempted to have me stay. BUT..five minutes after leaving he decides to call my phone. Me being hurt he did not even try to stop me I ignored his calls. He called twice. I spent the remainder of the night in an unknown location to him and not once did he attempt to text me, call me to see if i was ok. He says his attempts were the two phone calls five minutes after I left. I told him that my feelings are so hurt and that by him not calling is a good indicator of him not loving me. He says I'm overreacting. I for one know if my husband had left angry and did not return for 8hrs I would have attempted to contact him somehow through the night just to make sure he was ok. I have never left the home for the night EVER so this was huge. 
So if you were in my shoes would you be hurt that your other half didn't even attempt to locate you, or see if you were ok? please be honest. 
Sweets


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Depends on the context. If this is the first fight you guys have had in years, and things have been fine, then yes, I think you are way out of line in not answering his calls and not texting him as to your whereabouts.

If this is one in a pattern, and things have been building up for a while, and he has a pattern of not calling you in similar situations, perhaps not.

Not enough info here to judge. Generally, I find it's always best to err on the side of kindness (i.e., a text saying I'm fine, see you tomorrow), but I don't know the situation.


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## sweets (May 27, 2012)

Thanks lamaga. This is the first major fight we have had in years but over the last few weeks the tension had been building and I had left for shorter periods because once again i did not want to fight in front of our son. The straw that broke the camels back was his lack of consideration for my feelings lately. He purposely book a trip four hours away to spend time with 'new' friends I don't personally know without even consulting with me. He said, "I knew you would be mad but I did it anyway" I did text my son numerous times throughout the early evening telling him I was fine and not to worry. He is a teenager so the message was easily received. 
We are so far apart on this. I feel so hurt, he feels so right.
Let me add the new friends are both female and male.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

well, I think your last sentence says it all, you guys are not communicating well at all.

Have you done any MC? Sounds like some bad feelings are building up on both sides, it wouldn't hurt to sit with a professional and get some of this out before it gets worse.

As far as texting your son -- that's great that he knew you were safe, but on the other hand, you did kind of put him in the middle, which isn't fair to a teen. So yeah, time to work on some better communication with the husband.


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## sweets (May 27, 2012)

The only reason I texted my son was because he texted me first. I knew he was worried by his text so i responded to put his mind at ease.
As far as MC no we haven't. Things have been very bad lately. Honestly i think he is going through a midlife crisis. He bought a new car, he's lost a tonne of weight, our life is boring, I'm the reason he's not happy etc..I have been blown away by his change in character.


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## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

From the information you;be given, which is sketchy, my first take is that you are being somewhat childish.

First off, YOU decided and YOU have always said that you will not fight in front of you son. Doesn't sound like a mutual decision, but your rule that you expect your husband to follow. When you invoked the rule and he didn't follow you outside to argue on your terms, you threw a hissy fit. Along with that, just a side opinion, your teen aged son knows when you're fighting. Trying to hide it from him by moving the fight doesn't change that, it only removes his ability to see that people argue and then people work through it.

Then, you left and your husband called you twice. You were mad, didn't answer and didn't call him back. Then, you stayed gone and were mad that your husband didn't keep trying to reach you, even though you didn't respond the first two times that he did.

In addition, you were telling your son you were safe. Might he have shared that information with your husband? If so, then your husband continuing to call/text you could easily be seen as hounding or harassing you. 

IMO, it sounds like you want to control the terms of the fight. And, if your husband won't play your game, then it infuriates you.

Again, I'm sure there's much, much more to the story, but this is based on what you've chosen to post. Presumably, what you've presented is the most favorable toward you, but it still leads me to the conclusion that, yes, your feelings aren't reasonable.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

He did try to contact you and you ignored him. So he wisely decided not to harras you or play that game.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I don`t really know what your husbands done but it`s obvious he is aware when you`re pushing his buttons.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

From a female.....not fighting in front of a teenage son or seeing his mom storm out of the house and not come back to the point that he has to worry and text you himself? Think about that. I understand that you don't want to fight in front of your son, we try not to in front of our kids but they are much younger...so we wait until they are in bed or go outside. I think when your husband called he was expressing his concern then and you chose to ignore it. The consequence of that was he decided (probably in anger) to not call again. I would venture to bet he asked your son to text too. I think you have blown it out of proportion and need to get back to the real issues.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

I would get back to thereal issue of his planning trips and not considering your feelings.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> I spent the remainder of the night in an unknown location to him


You have now hurt him more than he ever could've hurt you in a verbal fight. Your action speaks the loudest.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Sorry but I also see that this behavior and some of the other things you said like "spend time with 'new' friends I don't personally know without even consulting with me" as a bit controlling.

You also didn't want to answer his first two calls after you left so you didn't yet you're pis$ed he didn't call more and try to find you? My God woman, make up your mind! He got the hint that you didn't want to be in the same house as him and didn't want to talk to him. What was your magic number of calls you wanted before you'd answer?

I am also willing to bet he knew all you sent to your son that's why he didn't call any more.

Short answer is no, I wouldn't be hurt if I was you. I would however think about looking into your controlling ways


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## sweets (May 27, 2012)

Wow I guess I've been served a big dose of shame on you. You guys are tough. 

Papa..I grew up in a household where my dad and mom fought all the time in the home. Not directly in front of me but in another room loud enough that I could hear every word. I'm sure they didn't think I heard them either. I would cry myself to bed with worry soooo many nights. I really do believe that left a very large scar on my heart. I swore I would never do this to my son. My husband has known this from the time we first dated because i spoke with him about it. I have always said that, it is something that I feel very strongly about. Leaving isn't about playing a game or hiding our fight from our son, just a decision to not allow my son to hear us say a billion bad things about each other in front of him. Even at the point when the argument was getting very bad and very loud my son was in the doorway blowing a whistle and crying telling us to stop. I don't think that is helpful to my son at all. Call it control or whatever you want but that is just the choice I have made. My son has seen us argue(about small things around the house etc.) but never to this magnitude or intensity. So I believe there are somethings he need not witness. 
Shaggy...no game here. When i walked out with suitcase in hand my husband was laying on the couch looking straight at me. He didn't even lift a finger to say please stop..so I really didn't think his two phone call plea was genuine, just a reaction to the fact that my son was upset and wanted me home. (let me say again..I have NEVER ever left the home with a suitcase or left for the night)..this was huge for us. 
Synthetic...not so sure I can agree with you there, but that's ok. My husband is back to his regular routine, no sign of hurt from what I can see. He is back to thinking about things that don't matter. Me on the other hand, I am still crying and upset about much of what he had said to me. I'm having a hard time even kissing my husband when he approaches me because of what he said to me.So I don't want to say that I'm hurting more then him, but if you were looking at just the facts it sure appears to me that this has affected me more. 

In hindsight, i do agree perhaps I should have sucked it up, stopped the fighting and went to bed until we could talk privately and not left but I don't think I could have done that. I had already been sitting on speaking with him for a few days and I could no longer not talk to him. Should I have come home after i calmed down that night probably..but i never did calm down..I cried all night long. I still don't regret not fighting in front of my son that's just my personal decision. The next day we did spend almost the full day outside talking alone without my son around. Time will tell if i can move on and forgive. 

Thanks for the advise..you guys certainly hold no punches. You've given me something to think about.


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## sweets (May 27, 2012)

Toffer...my husband said he didn't know i was texting my son. I don't' see my actions as controlling just asking for consideration just as I give him before planning things. I've never once said you can't go out or can't make new friends. 
Never once did I say "I don't want to talk to you"..i am the only one in the relationship that expresses their feelings. I just didn't want to do it in front of my son. I offered to go outside but he didn't want to he wanted to continue in front of my crying son. It had nothing to do with wanting to be in the house with him per say. It was that I knew if i stayed the fighting would continue and escalate in front of my child. So sorry for making the parental decision. 
Thank you for for frankness but i disagree with your calling me controlling.


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## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

It sounds to me like, rather than having a rule about not fighting in front of your son, you need to look at setting some ground rules for fighting. If you're saying "a billion bad things about each other", but just doing it away from your son, then you are allowing fights to poison your relationship.

You said that your parents fought in another room, but loudly enough that you could hear. And it tore you apart as a child. Do you think that when you and your husband fight on the deck, saying a billion bad things about each other, that it affected your son any less?

I agree that this is a tough group that doesn't pull any punches. IMO, that's what makes it valuable. When you talk with your friends, they often tell you what you want to hear. In here, people tell you what they think you need to hear. Often, it doesn't feel good, but I've had realizations about myself from feedback in here. 

Hang in there, and keep the lines of communication open with your husband. Just because he's not showing signs of outward hurt doesn't mean that there isn't a cut. Don't allow it to scar over without addressing it.


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## sweets (May 27, 2012)

Pappa...our relationship desperately needs help with communication. I readily talk openly about my feelings and my husband does not, even when i beg him to do so. So you are right we need to work on that. 
My hopes that if we are on the deck he will not hear those spoken words. I know he was still upset we were out their arguing the next day, but at least he didn't hear everything we said. 

Honestly I feel like crap about the whole weekend, but some of what he said to me has me rethinking the whole relationship. How does one forgive and forget all the hurtful words that were spoken?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Sweets.

While I'm no child rearing expert, if your child is a teen, I'm willing to bet he knows ALOT more than your giving him credit for.

i am also betting that he probably thinks things are even worse than they are because of your efforts to shield him from conflict. 

You have also shown him that when faced with conflict, the better option is to flee instead of trying to calm the situation down and deal with it.

The language you used struck me as controlling. Sorry but I'm going to stand by that. I could also make the agrument that your disappearing act was a very passive/aggressive move. 

Again, your husband is not innocent in this by a long shot. It's obvious that BOTH of you can't communicate very well at all and the two of you are imparting this relationship style to your child. Not a good idea.

You said Never once did I say "I don't want to talk to you".. Uhhh, yes you did when you packed a suitcase, walked out the door , refused to answer calls and then stayed away all night - Again, you were trying to control the situation with the passive act of leaving.

Seriously, take a minute and look up traits of a controlling person and passive/aggressive traits. I did because I wondered if I was like that myself. Why I don't meet all the criteria, I did see a couple of things in the traits that I had pulled in the past. So maybe I'm not a controlling or passive/aggressive person consistently, I have exhibited some of the behaviors on occasion and have made a conscious effort to not repeat these behaviors.

It's often said that a crazy person never wonders if they are crazy. It's only the truely sane that do


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Shaggy said:


> He did try to contact you and you ignored him. So he wisely decided not to harras you or play that game.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He passed the fitness test.


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## sweets (May 27, 2012)

Toffer, I never said that I was perfect and didn't have things to work on myself.
Really, I have been beaten to the bone this past weekend with everything about me critized by my husband. I already feel like a peice of ****. I know I asked for honesty here and I think everyone has spoke their peace of mind with me so if I can end this thread I'd really appreciate it. Each and everytime I read another post about what a bad person I am it crushes me more. Thank you for all your honesty.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Sweets,

You ARE NOT a bad person! It is not my intention to hurt anyone! When two people are involved in a relationship, there are usually issues on both sides that contribute to the problem.

As I noted earlier, I know that your Hubs is not an innocent bystander in all of this but he isn't posting here looking for advice and there's no way you can get completely accurate opinions (and please remember that's all you're getting here is opinions, we are not trained specialists) without both sides of the story being put out there.

Again, recognizing that you may have traits and issues yourself is an important first step on working through your issues with your spouse. It's not fun to learn that you may have controlling or passive/aggressive traits or tendencies (trust me, I know!). what is important is that you learn to recognize that sometimes these traits and behaviors come out of all of us and that you make an effort to try and avoid them in the future. Will you always be successful? If you're like me, probably not but hey, we're human!

Please don't just disappear from the forum. There is a lot of great people here with solid advice but you have to be prepared to also be perfectly honest with yourself and be prepared to accept the fact that you're not perfect. None of us are

Again, my apologies if you feel I came down on you too hard!


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Same here, Sweets -- sometimes we get too blunt around here. I hope you will stay and continue to share your journey with us. Good luck!


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## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

:iagree::iagree:

Never meant to make you feel bad. After all, between you and your hubby, you are the one who is here trying to fix things.

And we don't know what your son hears or thinks. But, we've all had personal experiences where our blinders kept us from seeing things that, in retrospect, should have been obvious to us all along. So, I think we have the tendency to try to point out things that seem that way on the forum. We could be way off-base. But, please allow for the idea that we might not be. 

I echo the apologies if I posted things that hurt your feelings. That was not my intention.


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