# What to do if you have been betrayed....



## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

From a recent article, sending this on to you.....
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*When You've Been Cheated On: What to Say/Do, Moving On Tips*
_Focusing on self-pride can save you from insanity._

In the past year, I’ve heard more than a handful of stories of people breaking into their romantic partner’s phone in a jealous, paranoid haze. I’ve heard these stories from clients and friends, acquaintances and co-workers. In fact, it seems to have become so common that people actually feel comfortable—or justified—to disclose such behavior. When someone reaches the point of secretly accessing their partner’s voicemails, texts, and e-mails due to suspicisons of infidelity, all has been lost in the relationship—regardless of whether the cheatee's investigation proves guilt or innocence.

If we take a moment to understand the behavior, it makes sense: You need to know the answer, so you do whatever it takes to get the information you need. The problem, however, is that there is no clear end to your pursuit once you cross certain boundaries. If the phone check doesn’t turn up what you’re looking for, for example, what’s next? Following them when they leave the house? Asking their friends for information? The pursuit only leaves the cheatee feeling more frustrated as their anxiety mounts.

There are endless consequences of such intrusive, privacy-shattering behaviors, but one stands out, in particular. The worst consequence is the fact that the cheatee often starts feeling out of control and questions their own sanity, which is ultimately unfair to the cheatee. In the majority of cases, a person who starts doubting the faithfulness of their partner has a reason to worry. People have well-honed survival mechanisms, and they can pick up on a trace of infidelity when it lingers in the air. How well they cope with their suspicion determines whether they let the suspicions undo them or rise above the pain.

If you start suspecting that your partner is having an affair, your instinct is telling you that something is wrong. What you do with that instinct is one hundred percent in your control. You must broach the issue with your partner once you sense that the behavior reflects a pattern and isn’t an isolated day or two of strange behavior, and give your partner a chance to respond. Most partners will deny cheating, so it’s your job to deal with your feelings and your instinct which tell you your partner is guilty.

If your instinct tells you that your partner is cheating despite his or her repeated denials, you need to make a decision: trust your partner or leave the relationship. There is no middle ground when it comes to this kind of relationship struggle. When someone starts breaking into his partner’s phone, the cheatee reduces himself or herself to desperate actions and often ends up engaging in the same kind of inappropriate behavior that the cheater engaged in to begin with.

The number one goal in a relationship should be that you can say that you’re proud of who you are in the relationship—that you’re good, kind, and respectful. Even if you sense that the relationship is going to end because of your partner’s cheating, don’t let your primitive anger get the best of you. Say to yourself that your goal is to be proud of the way you end the relationship—because that’s a reflection on you, not your partner. So many of the intense feelings we feel—lust, rage, and fear—end up causing us harm because we give in to them, letting them control our behavior. Yet if we give into some of our most base and intense feelings, we often end up engaging in behavior that makes us look or feel bad later.

*You should never put yourself in a situation with a cheater where you look like the crazy person*, because you’d be throwing yourself under the bus and distracting everyone from the fact that what the cheater did was wrong. Though it’s never easy to walk away, it’s better to leave with your integrity than to end a relationship adrift in a sea of self-doubt and paranoia.

This should go right up there with Just Let them Go


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

It sounds so good!......

It's just not real life, though.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Overall I think it's a well-written article but I do take issue with these paragraphs.



> If you start suspecting that your partner is having an affair, your instinct is telling you that something is wrong. What you do with that instinct is one hundred percent in your control. You must broach the issue with your partner once you sense that the behavior reflects a pattern and isn’t an isolated day or two of strange behavior, and give your partner a chance to respond. Most partners will deny cheating, so it’s your job to deal with your feelings and your instinct which tell you your partner is guilty.
> 
> If your instinct tells you that your partner is cheating despite his or her repeated denials, you need to make a decision: trust your partner or leave the relationship. There is no middle ground when it comes to this kind of relationship struggle. When someone starts breaking into his partner’s phone, the cheatee reduces himself or herself to desperate actions and often ends up engaging in the same kind of inappropriate behavior that the cheater engaged in to begin with.


You don't throw away a marriage and kids over a gut-feeling. At least, I don't. Asking your partner if you're cheating and having them tell you that they're not is only good if they're telling the truth. 

Soft confrontations, (asking if they're cheating based on suspicion but no proof) do not end well. People in the middle of affairs will deny, blame-shift, gaslight and project you into thinking that you're crazy, jealous and insecure. Once faced with a soft-confrontation, some may confess but most will take their affairs deeper underground. Thus making it harder to find out the truth.

Walking away on suspicion of a boyfriend/girlfriend is one thing. Walking away on a marriage, especially when you have kids is a different story. Most people need proof. So I don't agree with the author to not look at the phone or other areas for evidence - that dreaded, shameful act of "snooping".

If your gut is consistently telling you that they're lying, and their behaviour points to cheating but there is no solid evidence; I think it's okay to snoop. That being said, don't over do it. I think it's best to only get enough information to prove that they're cheating. Don't drown yourself in affair evidence, if all you plan to do is confront and leave. Some things can't be unseen, unheard, or unread. 

For me, finding dating profiles and the messages on WS's computer was enough. I felt no need to put a VAR in his car or hire a P.I. to track him after that. I confronted with conviction that I knew and had proof, (I didn't tell him all that I knew, just that I knew) and the confession followed.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

I say BS getting proof after a long while was the impetus for her to end it otherwise she would have continued it.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

I just felt this article hit home because it illuminates how much I have changed from all this. What kind of person I have become. 

I found out by accident. Then when I really caught on, the hard drive got destroyed, so I have no idea what really happened, except that the action to cover up was over the top.

It has really frazzled me for quite a long time....so I thought I would post this, maybe someone else feels like it hits home for them.

PEACE


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Trying2figureitout said:


> I say BS getting proof after a long while was the impetus for her to end it otherwise she would have continued it.


I got no real proof, just the cover up and an official story....I am sleeping on my sister's futon because of it! I mean, come on, fix it and come clean or move out already!


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Miss Taken said:


> Overall I think it's a well-written article but I do take issue with these paragraphs.
> 
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Wow, that is a heart pounding story. I don't know. I had a gut feeling it was very bad after stuff got destroyed just to cover the tracks......its not proof, and its a lifelong marriage......but man, it will sure make you think twice, no maybe three or four times!


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> Wow, that is a heart pounding story. I don't know. I had a gut feeling it was very bad after stuff got destroyed just to cover the tracks......its not proof, and its a lifelong marriage......but man, it will sure make you think twice, no maybe three or four times!


I think you trusted your instincts and you were (unfortunately) right. There was so much crazy-making going on in our relationship when he was cheating. I didn't trust my instincts anymore. So I needed to see something tangible with my own eyes. 

I had done the soft-confronts a few times and that was just met with projections, denial and other manipulation. That made me doubt myself so much. Without proof, I don't know where I or he would be today so I have no regrets for digging deeper. 

Maybe the damaged hard-drive was just as much proof for you as his dating profiles were for me?

ETA: I just read some of your story. I think I understand a little better, why you posted this and that it resonated so much with you. I hope you keep the open letter thread up.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Miss Taken said:


> Overall I think it's a well-written article but I do take issue with these paragraphs.
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> ...


I agree with the vast majority of this. The only thing I would not agree with is the value of a soft confrontation. Asking a potential WS about a possible affair is the right thing to do* in the beginning.*


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> From a recent article, sending this on to you.....
> ----------------------------------------------
> 
> *When You've Been Cheated On: What to Say/Do, Moving On Tips*
> ...


Confront and drive the affair deeper underground, or leave the spouse with no idea why you are leaving them?

I drove to follow my wife, and felt so much guilt.. I felt dirty.. for years I had a gut feeling, but didn't want to believe it. Why? Because my wife was making an effort to throw me off the trail.. that's how cheating works. I remember my brain thinking 'what are you doing?.. then I see her sitting in the donut shop window, with a man... 

So now, instead of divorcing and never knowing what happened, or continuing in a marriage that's broken.. I actually found out about my wifes affair. Instead of sticking my head in the ground, and pretending it's about integrity, I took action and found out what was really going on.

I had never snooped in email, never checked her locked phone or asked why it was locked. I did ask many times why it took so long to do x or y.. eventually I went to find out why it really took so long as the stories don't add up.

What would really seem crazy, is if I told my family that I'm divorcing my wife because I suspect she's cheating on me because she goes shopping for hours, but other than that I really have no proof. I'd also spend the rest of my life wondering if I'm crazy... a nutjob with integrity that tossed out his wife because of paranoid delusions.

Doesn't sound like a great plan to me..


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Fenix said:


> I agree with the vast majority of this. The only thing I would not agree with is the value of a soft confrontation. Asking a potential WS about a possible affair is the right thing to do* in the beginning.*


Agreed 100%. You should ask them first because it is the right thing to do. I've also read accounts on this site where the BS did a soft confront and the WS confessed then and there. I do think those cases are the exception rather than the rule though.

I asked my WS at least three times, over a period of six months before I began snooping. Each time, he denied it, projected, blamed me for being hormonal, called me insecure, told me I need to get a hobby etc. 

WS had always been insecure when it came to me and I resented it. So snooping went against what I believe in doing in a committed relationship. I also felt "dirty" and sneaky when I did it but I had to know. The months of crazy-making and deceit were eating away at me and since I was pregnant with child #2 and not working. I couldn't just walk. I had to be sure. 

Even though I knew in my gut that something wasn't adding up, that wasn't enough for me to act on. I'm the type that needs evidence (not a boat-load of it) but enough to be certain. It's the one reason, that when at thirteen when my mom passed, I needed to see her body - I couldn't believe the nurse that she was gone based on words alone. 

There is no real win when you snoop. So I think people should try to gauge (although it's hard to tell after you've been lied to and manipulated for so long) whether they really feel something is not right or if they're just being insecure before they snoop. Still, I think it's better to know than to not know and live a lie.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

usually a soft confront just drives things underground or more underground making it harder to ever get proof


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Miss Taken said:


> There is no real win when you snoop.


By snooping and finding evidence I won the confrontation, won the right to demand certain information and behaviors as prerequisites to R, and ultimately won my marriage back.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> From a recent article, sending this on to you.....
> ----------------------------------------------
> 
> *When You've Been Cheated On: What to Say/Do, Moving On Tips*
> ...


In this poster's humble opinion, that article is a crock of sh!t.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

:iagree:^^ I was think that too


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

badmemory said:


> In this poster's humble opinion, that article is a crock of sh!t.


:iagree:


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

So in this authors opinion, it is better to walk away from a marriage and children due to a "gut feeling" than to confirm that you are being lied to and having your health jeopardized. Truly spoken like someone who hasn't experienced it. I'm sorry, but in the real world it just doesn't work that way. Also, I don't understand the notion of privacy in marriage. Other than keeping the bathroom door closed (or maybe a diary), I never even considered that we were allowed any privacy. If my wife had a password on her phone and I didn't know it and wasn't told when asked, I would have cancelled it immediately.

Please someone help me understand. Let's assume someone is not having an affair. What exactly on a phone needs to be kept private from a spouse?


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

Privacy is using the bathroom....Secrecy is not being transparent to your spouse.


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## Dean12 (Feb 27, 2014)

You can't just leave because of a feeling, that is ridiculous. I tried a soft confrontation, I got told that it was not her fault that she lost so much weight and I didn't. She also told me that I was a loser and she was done with me not trusting her before stomping off. I already had self esteem issues, really was painful for me. It was also useless as she kept the affair going and did other things to hurt me. I felt paralyzed as I could not bring myself to realize what was going on.

I needed physical proof so I got it by spying. I felt creepy about it but I was in real pain. With the hard evidence her response was much different, she was shocked, afraid and sorry. There was enough there to at least try to reconcile. It was one of the worst thing I ever did in my marriage but also one of the best for it and my own well being. I'm moving forward now, it's not an easy road ahead but I know it will get better. She would probably say the same thing.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

russell28 said:


> ...then I see her sitting in the donut shop window, with a man...


Fvcking OUCH.


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

It reads like it was written by someone with no first hand knowledge or experience of being betrayed. Probably by some marriage counselor.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Philat said:


> By snooping and finding evidence I won the confrontation, won the right to demand certain information and behaviors as prerequisites to R, and ultimately won my marriage back.


What I mean by there being no real win for snooping is that it's a double-edged sword:

*1)* You're going to feel dirty, insecure, controlling when you do it.

*2)* If you find proof - you're going to be absolutely gutted.

*3)* If you don't find proof, you're going to be assured - possibly temporarily, until the next time something doesn't feel right. What's worse, you're going to feel dirty, irrational, insecure and controlling because of it. "Maybe s/he's right? I am insecure."

*3.1)* Snooping may also lead to an "addiction" (used term _very_ loosely) of sorts for some. You get anxious or suspicious, then snoop and find nothing, feel relieved because of the nothing. Then they get anxious and suspicious, then snoop and find nothing... the cycle continues. Now you are or at least feel like that crazy invasive, possessive and controlling spouse that needs to snoop in order to feel temporarily secure in the relationship.​
The "win" in snooping and striking dog sh!t, (I would've said oil but that's too positive), *is ultimately in the knowing*. 

Knowing with conviction (after being gaslighted) that you're not crazy, insecure, controlling, paranoid.

Knowing that you can now confront and take action.

Knowing who you are really married to - getting your power back over your own life and life's decisions. As only when someone is fully informed can they consent to anything. 

*____________________________________________________________________________________________*
_Small aside, deceiving your spouse that you are faithful so you can reap the benefits of a monogamous marriage or relationship IS controlling. You are controlling them by removing their ability to choose whether they'd want to be in that partnership in the first place because they don't know who they are really with._
*______________________________________________________________________________________________*

When you are being deceived by a cheater and don't know you are being deceived, *every decision you make in that marriage or relationship is tied to their lies. * 

Every time you plan for the future, every time you make love, every time you give support whether it be emotional, financial or otherwise... While they are cheating and you don't know, there can be no real consent while you're being misinformed of who they are and who they are is material information used to make those decisions. 


Indeed, ignorance *is not* bliss. 



It's painful to live in a limbo of the unknown... knowing something is not right, feeling you are being deceived but having nothing to verify it. It drives you crazy and is painful. So when you snoop and find what you're looking for there is an _immediate __relief _to be had but the knowing also brings it's own set of ills. 

Knowing you're being betrayed so deeply will cut like a knife. When you only suspect but can't prove - there is still some hope, some feelings innocence tied to your doubts in your own suspicions. Until you know for sure, your cheating spouse is still _innocent until proven guilty_. So there is still the hope and belief that this is a person that has always had your back, that will always be there for you, someone whose love has no bounds. 

Once you have the proof that they're not, this goes away and you can't fully get it back - ever. 

All that said, it's still better to know than to not know. If you have to snoop in order to know with conviction that you're being cheated, I think the means justify the ends.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Miss Taken said:


> For me, finding dating profiles and the messages on WS's computer was enough.



This to me is the most profound part. If more people would have this same way of thinking there would be less games played. 

I do agree with Miss Taken. 

I understand some really need to know if it was a PA or not but really digging into all the details. What is really the point. All you really need to know is right there. You are being cheated on. Your relationship is not what you thought it was and your partner clearly does not love you like you love them. 

How you choose to proceed at that point is up to you. 


Clay


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Well, here is the info on the author - the article is from Psychology Today, written by Seth Meyers, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist with the L.A. County Department of Mental Health.

I guess my point is, what do you do when your gut is screaming at you and your spouse just hides the truth and lies, destroys all the evidence and then tells you not to worry about it.....how can you ever know what the truth is, how long its been going on, etc?

I do agree that you should not ruin a marriage without some kind of proof, but in my case, proof isn't possible...so in that case the article is right to say you have to trust your partner or leave. You have to make a choice at some point.

And I did agree also that the BS's hypervigilence contributes to the high anxiety level following dday. What the infidelity does to the person emotionally, for me, it got pretty bad, and I was turning into the crazy one.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Here's the link to the original article:

When You've Been Cheated On: What to Say/Do, Moving On Tips | Psychology Today


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Yes this is the thing that gets me, what the h e double hockey sticks was on that hard drive!! What was edited out of my marriage? 



Differentguy said:


> So in this authors opinion, it is better to walk away from a marriage and children due to a "gut feeling" than to confirm that you are being lied to and having your health jeopardized. Truly spoken like someone who hasn't experienced it. I'm sorry, but in the real world it just doesn't work that way. Also, I don't understand the notion of privacy in marriage. Other than keeping the bathroom door closed (or maybe a diary), I never even considered that we were allowed any privacy. If my wife had a password on her phone and I didn't know it and wasn't told when asked, I would have cancelled it immediately.
> 
> Please someone help me understand. Let's assume someone is not having an affair. What exactly on a phone needs to be kept private from a spouse?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If the WS destroys all the evidence, that right there is evidence in itself. If they had nothing to hide they wouldn't get rid of it.

Giving the WS the chance to destroy all the evidence is a huge mistake. Most people DO need proof of some kind before they'll pull the plug on their marriage. Some people need the proof before they let themselves believe it. Without proof many BS's just rug sweep everything.

I for one know that it would have helped my recovery to have been able to read everything he had online at all the sex sites he was a member of. But I gave him a chance to delete everything. I had emails which were more than enough proof for me to kick him out, which I did, but when I decided to R it would have helped us if I'd read his messages and such, because I didn't believe him at first that he hadn't actually met up with anyone. So it would have actually been to his advantage to show them to me. Sadly I didn't have TAM then and I just blew up when I saw the emails and never looked further.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Hope1964, I did that too, but I didn't blow up at first, I just cried and my heart sank about a thousand stories below sea level. I didn't have TAM either, saw that he was on those sites when I was out taking care of my Mom after her surgery, then I saw the timestamps from when he was going there _when I was asleep_ at night.

That's what broke my heart. 

I did a soft confront I guess its called. I wilted. Then I got mad. But it was too late. Hard drive had been murdered.

So what's the moral of the story? Never ask someone who's been lying for the truth?


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

OK, well, I will have to check back and see what the final analysis is later, got a late start today, can't stay on TAM and debate the points all day anymore... even though I want to....( I think that TAM addict thing might be real...)

That's the one thing you have to do when you have been betrayed, make sure you get a stable income source in order! Its really hard to do much without that.

PEACE


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

Clay2013 said:


> I understand some really need to know if it was a PA or not but really digging into all the details. What is really the point. All you really need to know is right there. You are being cheated on. Your relationship is not what you thought it was and your partner clearly does not love you like you love them.
> 
> *How you choose to proceed at that point is up to you. *
> 
> ...


That's not true. Some can't proceed until they know the complete level of betrayal. I have seen this said many times in my short time here. People telling a BS to stop snooping, that they have enough to make a decision. That's obviously not true or they would make a decision. Enough was found for the commentor to make a decision, but not the one who matters. Each person has their own line, and each person is different. Some want to know the COMPLETE picture and can't trust their spouse to give it to them. Sometimes it takes time for a BS to sift through the evidence (until the shock wears off) to finally make a decision about whether to R or D.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> If the WS destroys all the evidence, that right there is evidence in itself. If they had nothing to hide they wouldn't get rid of it.
> 
> Giving the WS the chance to destroy all the evidence is a huge mistake. Most people DO need proof of some kind before they'll pull the plug on their marriage. Some people need the proof before they let themselves believe it. Without proof many BS's just rug sweep everything.
> 
> I for one know that it would have helped my recovery to have been able to read everything he had online at all the sex sites he was a member of. But I gave him a chance to delete everything. I had emails which were more than enough proof for me to kick him out, which I did, but when I decided to R it would have helped us if I'd read his messages and such, because I didn't believe him at first that he hadn't actually met up with anyone. So it would have actually been to his advantage to show them to me. Sadly I didn't have TAM then and I just blew up when I saw the emails and never looked further.


This is almost like Jimmy Hoffa. Everyone knows he was murdered. And the why has been proven (to a degree). But where is the body? Who really killed him? "They" really did a good job of covering this up. And the poor FBI gets a tip and wham, they are digging up ground only to find it was a false lead.

Your husband did you a disservice. My wife came clean and I can still ask questions and get answers. 

I really feel for you. 

What you need is for your husband to come clean? and say, OK, I got rid of the evidence but here is what I did, here are the sites, here are my account info with passwords, and I am sorry for hurting you. I will forever answer any question you have.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Thorburn said:


> This is almost like Jimmy Hoffa. Everyone knows he was murdered. And the why has been proven (to a degree). But where is the body? Who really killed him? "They" really did a good job of covering this up. And the poor FBI gets a tip and wham, they are digging up ground only to find it was a false lead.
> 
> Your husband did you a disservice. My wife came clean and I can still ask questions and get answers.
> 
> ...


He's done all that, and more. That's why we're together almost 4 years later  I know NOW it would have helped me to know - and him - but, you know, 20/20 hindsight and all that. Don't feel bad for me, we're great together now.


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