# Back and forth feelings...



## just tired (Mar 17, 2008)

This may be a tad long, it's been building up for a long time. Just need an outsiders outlook/opinion.
I'm 28 and my husband is 42. Age has never been an issue but maybe it's become one. We've been married for 7 years next month. I'm very tired and don't feel I'm inlove with him anymore but I do care about him. A very short history: We were in an accident in 2000 that left him with back injuries and nerve damage. We received a settlement after a year which he proceeded to basically hand out and buy people things with out consulting me and lying about it at first. He's not had a stable job since and is completly undependable in regards to money. He has no sense of howmuch we need to pay everything and constantly wants things. We have moved countless times to smaller, cheaper apartments just so I could manage the rent and bills on my own. Early on he had some inappropriate relationships online that I caught him at but forgave to go on with the marriage. Also he has a son from a previous marriage which I was aware of from the start and am fine with, no problems there. However he apparently has a daughter from some other relationship previous to his 1st marriage that I found out about when she served him with child support papers. He claims he told me but that's not something I would have forgotten about. I've also heard things that leave me to quesion whether the child is his or not. That was almost 5 years ago and it was never mentioned again-the child support issue was dropped. 
Recently he has started college and is trying to get a degree to get a good computer job and we agreeed he wouldn't work because school is difficult for him and the financial aid from school would be enough money. However he complains about being the one to do all the house work and doesn't ever do it timely...the dishes have to pile up or run out before they get cleaned and the laundry has to pile up and run out of clean ones before they are done as well. I don't think it's unfair to expect him to do these things when I am forced to work full time to pay for everything while going to school full time. Also, he apparently has started visiting his "daughter" and ex and talking to them online without any mention to me. I found out by checking his myspace. One particular message said he was so glad he found them and misses them. She said they were coming to the state for somethign and would like to have lunch with teh both of us. He said oh she (me) couldn't go because of my schedule but he'ld love to. He never mentioned it-he'ld have to explain how he was talking to them to begin with. Also my schedule is always easily rearranged for things. I feel completly lied to. I don't trust him anymore. Besides seeing them I've caught him doing drugs again which he lied about quitting until I actually caught him in the act and expressed my anger and hatred of him for lying and he said he cared and understood but continues to do it with no concern for how I feel. He also apparently has a group of friends he gets the drugs from I don't know and he's never told me about-I saw text messages between him and them. He's also started avoiding his therapist and won't tell me why. It's not necessarily the actions but it's the lying and lack of trust his actions have created.
There's no trust or communication in our marriage and I don't think there has been much communication looking back. I'm just tired of the built up resentment and anger I'm holding in and tend to explode about the smallest things. For example, this morning I asked why he was going to school so early (2 hours) and he jokingly said so meet up with his "hoochie mommas"'. It was a joke and I know it but I snidely said uh huh I'm sure which he got mad about. But with all the other lies I don't know who he talks to even if just as friends. He on the other hand knows my complete schedule which consists of waking up at 7am going to school then going straight to work till midnight. I also have to volunteer in between all of that for school. 
I'm to the point that getting a divorce wouldn't change my life that much. I already do everything. I would miss being held and having him here when I come home and the times that aren't full or fighting are great but at what point does everythign erase or crowd out those few good things? I've said things about sending him back to his mothers (he would have nowhere else to go since he doesn't have a job and someone would have to manage and pay for his medicine) and he just said he'll get alimony if that's the case. I'm too young to have to live like this. I feel I've grown up so much since we got together and he's just at a stand still or moving backwards. I really feel I'm the one who is 42 while he's 28.


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