# Wife threaten with leaving if I don’t stop talking to my family



## Colombianog30 (Jul 22, 2017)

Hello everyone,
how deal with this situation. My family has treated my wife like ****, I have not stood up for her and now she has asked me to know speak to them because they don’t respect her asmy wife and their loyalty lies somewhere else. She told me to choose between her or them. Obviously I love eher and I know I’ve done her wrong but to not speak or talk to myfamily also is a bit scary for me. Anyone gone through this?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You must choose your wife immediately. There is no other answer.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Colombianog30 said:


> Hello everyone,
> how deal with this situation. My family has treated my wife like ****, I have not stood up for her and now she has asked me to know speak to them because they don’t respect her as my wife and their loyalty lies somewhere else. She told me to choose between her or them. Obviously I love her and I know I’ve done her wrong but to not speak or talk to my family also is a bit scary for me. Anyone gone through this?


Unless you want to end up divorced, you choose your wife. 

I cut out most of my family after they were horrible to my wife one too many times. I used to be quite close with my mom but we have pretty much no relationship now, nor do I have any desire for one. Why would I want to keep people in my life who can't respect my wife? 

With all the other problems in your marriage, like cheating on her, fighting, treating her like crap, being sexless for years, etc., more has to change than just cutting out your family. You need to stop using excuses like being dumb and immature - at 36 years old - and get into therapy.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

tell her to F off.
if YOU want to talk to your family, you should.
it is fine if SHE does not talk to your family.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Tell her she is important and so is your family, so you cannot do that. They must resolve their differences. 

Also, start sticking up for your wife and make your family stop doing whatever ******** they are doing.

If they refuse after your warning, cut them out.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

thunderchad said:


> Tell her she is important and so is your family, so you cannot do that. They must resolve their differences.
> 
> Also, start sticking up for your wife and make your family stop doing whatever ****** they are doing.
> 
> If they refuse after your warning, cut them out.


yes. you def need to stick up for your wife!!!


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

She can't resolve the differences with your family. You say yourself that they are against her. That is unacceptable for them to take a dislike to your wife and treat her badly. You two are a unit. If they disrespect her, they are disrespecting you as well.
I can understand why your wife has asked you to stop speaking to your family, but it sounds to me that you need to stand up to them and set a boundary. It may be too late, but they need to stop their mean behavior, apologize, and change their ways. How can you carry on a relationship with people who don't have your back and are against your marriage? If you choose them (and their horrid behavior) over your wife, that doesn't say much good about you as a husband.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Man up and stand up for your wife.

Establish and enforce _meaningful_ boundaries with your family.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Sounds like you missed your opportunity to man up and properly defend your wife and set the right expectations with your family. Now she is having to take matters into her own hands. This is what happens when you don't lead. You've handed that responsibility over to her through your in action.

Two options I see. If you can get your balls back and convince your wife that you will set your family straight, then tell them that if they don't show proper respect for your wife you will cut contact. Other option is cut them off now and tell them why, that they refuse to respect her and you are done with them.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

You have two problems in one.
1. You were given an ultimatum by your wife 
2. You have demonstrated lack of balls as a man with your family and your wife.

When a man doesn't stand up to defend and demand respect towards his wife by anyone, including your own family, that man is showing two things 1. Disrespect to his wife. 2. Lack of balls. 

The fact that after being given an ultimatum by wife, you not knowing what to do demonstrates that you are a weak individual who lacks fortitude and confidence in himself. 

You have two choices, basically. 
1. Tell your wife to F off that no one tells what to do, or
2. You stick with your wife and cut your family. 

Which one to choose? That's up to you, unless you can convince your wife that from now on you will stand up to all your family and stop the abuse and disrespect towards her, but that you will not stop talking to them.


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## Imnobodynew (Feb 11, 2016)

Listen, man. I think you need to sit down and set up boundaries. Boundaries make for a good marriage. You need to keep them. First off. I got my wife pregnant at 19. We are still together. Her mother hasn't been very fond of me. I understand. But we had to set boundaries.

You need to earn back trust with your wife about how your family treated Her. My marriage started very similarly to yours. My wife's mom treated me like dirt because of my lack of a college degree, and even worse after I got sick and couldn't work. I was making almost 200k at the time. My wife recently had cancer. My mother-in-law took her frustrations out on me almost blaming me for it. I took it because I knew she was terrified. At one point in the conversation my MIL, my wife came out and screamed at her. She made it clear MIL was acting like an ass, that I've been very supportive of her, and that if she needed to choose she can take her ass back to the west coast. MIL's attacks on me were stressing her out during chemo. MIl hasn't done it outwardly again. ROFL
After that incident, we went to universal. My mother-in-law made some snarky remarks about me needing help to get in and out of a wheelchair to get on the rides. Well, I laid into her. I was tired and I wasn't taking it that day. My wife pulled me aside and asked me not to blow up and put myself on her mother's emotional level My blow-ups make it my responsibility (for my actions). I understood. She asked me to let her handle it and to bring it to her attention if happens.
So far these boundaries have worked. I don't interact with the inlaws if it's not important, and they don't mess with me. If we do get together and there is an issue I raise it with my wife. When she stood up for me, that's all it took for me to trust that it will be ok.

Show your wife can trust you. Rebuild your relationship with her and stand up for her. Gain her trust. Set boundaries for your family. You will find your wife will be more secure in you and love you even more.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Talker67 said:


> tell her to F off.
> if YOU want to talk to your family, you should.
> it is fine if SHE does not talk to your family.


Yeah, I kind of agree with this one.

She gets her family and him but he only gets her. That is an imbalance.

The primary culprit here is OP for not stepping up and being a man when his wife was attacked. He needs counseling for his weakness.

I don't blame his wife for not liking the family but I don't see OP coming up with solutions. 

Somehow, he has been allowed to sit in the middle. Sad. OP owns this


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Rob_1 said:


> You have two problems in one.
> 1. You were given an ultimatum by your wife
> 2. You have demonstrated lack of balls as a man with your family and your wife.
> 
> ...


this !!! However, option three is to negotiate a truce and this OP needs to man up and lead


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

agree, this is a negotiated settlement.
what you bring to the table:
you will defend her to the family
you will not demand she come along to family events
If they do not eventually start acting civily to her, OP will start seeing them less and less


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Colombianog30 said:


> Hello everyone,
> how deal with this situation. My family has treated my wife like ****, I have not stood up for her and now she has asked me to know speak to them because they don’t respect her as my wife and their loyalty lies somewhere else. She told me to choose between her or them. Obviously I love her and I know I’ve done her wrong but to not speak or talk to my family also is a bit scary for me. Anyone gone through this?


I am the wife in your wife's position and let me tell you my friend, it sucks. Trying to wrap your head around why the person who's supposed to love you more than anyone else, have your back and protect you, would willingly spend time with people who hate your guts AND allow them to treat you like something they stepped in, is absolutely heartbreaking.

I can tell you for a fact that your wife is incredibly hurt, angry and resentful that you have allowed this to happen. You have failed her miserably. You don't have her back, so she is finally taking a stand.

IF you go to your parents, call them out for their behaviour, lay down some boundaries AND make it crystal clear that they will lose you if they don't do as you ask, you may have a shot at restoring your wife's faith in you and having a relationship with your family. If you don't, you'll likely end up divorced - and this will repeat in your next marriage.

I too gave my husband an ultimatum after yet another argument about his family. We then agreed that he would keep his relationship with them to the occasional phone call until he could stand up to them. He finally did, and things are better now. I hate catching up with them, they don't want me there anymore than I want to be there, but I go for my husbands sake.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Colombianog30 said:


> _*how deal with this situation. My family has treated my wife like ****, I have not stood up for her and now she has asked me to know speak to them because they don’t respect her asmy wife and their loyalty lies somewhere else. She told me to choose between her or them. Obviously I love eher and I know I’ve done her wrong but to not speak or talk to myfamily also is a bit scary for me. Anyone gone through this?*_



I'd be curious to know *WHY* they've been so disrespectful to your wife. I find it kind of hard to believe that this all just came out of nowhere and for no reason.

I'd never blindly tell you that you "have to choose your wife immediately" without knowing the dynamic BEHIND the disrespect from your family.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Yeah, tell your wife to effe off! Who needs a wife who tolerates a husband who wantonly lies to her, won't have sex with her, uses steroids, cheats on her and allows his ****ty family to disrespect her. Kick her stupid ass to the curb. Do her the favor, please.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Wow, got caught up on your past posts. OP, you are a real piece of work. A cheater with self induced ED and you've allowed your family to think you are the good guy while throwing your wife under the bus. What a real Prince Charming. You are a child in his 30's. I take back my prior advice. Take your families side and let your wife go, I think it is what is best for her.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Colombianog30 said:


> Hello everyone,
> how deal with this situation. My family has treated my wife like ****, I have not stood up for her and now she has asked me to know speak to them because they don’t respect her asmy wife and their loyalty lies somewhere else. She told me to choose between her or them. Obviously I love eher and I know I’ve done her wrong but to not speak or talk to myfamily also is a bit scary for me. Anyone gone through this?


If you're too invested in your family to give your wife first priority, do her a favor and divorce her. Not sure her demand to totally stop talking to them is fair, but if you don't stop being a wuss and stand up to them and tell them to STFU about your wife and to your wife and treat her politely, you will stay away, and be prepared to back that up. Time to be a man and stop cowering to your parents, seriously.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Wow, got caught up on your past posts. OP, you are a real piece of work. A cheater with self induced ED and you've allowed your family to think you are the good guy while throwing your wife under the bus. What a real Prince Charming. You are a child in his 30's. I take back my prior advice. Take your families side and let your wife go, I think it is what is best for her.


Wow. This is quite the indictment. This behavior is abusive. One of your jobs, as a husband, is to cherish your wife, yet you are behaving as if you hate her. This is hateful behavior. If this is the behavior that your family is endorsing, they are contributing to your wrong thinking and horrid behavior.
Find a counselor. Get into therapy. Be completely honest. Work hard to find out why you act this way and to resolve those issues.
Start thinking of your wife as the most important thing in the world and start treating her as such. You can start with an apology.
Also, get tested for STDs immediately and give your results to your wife.
And yes, stop talking to your family. You need to cut out all your family and friends who encourage you to behave like a hateful, selfish jackass.


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## Colombianog30 (Jul 22, 2017)

Hi there,

thank you for your inputon my situation. S you can better understand, yes I know i ****ed up but I also feel like I walk on eggshells. The reason for this wholeblowout is that my sis and brother in law ( which I don’t talk to anymore because they are selfish) took my mother to London but yet when we invite her to dinner or somewhere there is always an excuse. My wife swears it is her and that my mother just hates her and talks abouther back. Tshe said if you mom calls, don’t even answer the phone if you want to stay with me. I did not tell her anything about the London thing because I know it would upset her but either way she found out and my dumbass did not tell her .

now how do I tell her that I want to talk to my mother and set evething straight? She was like if you talk to her is to make yourself look good and paint me as the bad one and the one that wantsyou To distance from them


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Colombianog30 said:


> now how do I tell her that I want to talk to my mother and set evething straight?


You don't. Your entire focus right now should be on resolving your personal and marriage issues. Get to the bottom of why you have behaved so badly and work on treating your wife like she deserves to be treated.

Of course you are walking on eggshells. Your wife is obviously about to leave you, because of how you behave.

Send your mother a letter. Tell her you love her. Tell her all the terrible things you've done to your wife. Tell her that you have to distance yourself from the family at least until you can get on track and be operating in a healthy manner. Then you'll revisit the situation with your wife, but it will be at least two years before that happens.

When you explain all your horrid behavior, do not mention anything about your wife or even her name. Only state factually what you have done.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Also, read What Makes Love Last?, by Gottman and Silver. This book will give you a plan of action to get yourself and your marriage in order. It may be too late, but this is worth a try.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Colombianog30 said:


> Hi there,
> 
> thank you for your inputon my situation. S you can better understand, yes I know i ****ed up but I also feel like I walk on eggshells. The reason for this wholeblowout is that my sis and brother in law ( which I don’t talk to anymore because they are selfish) took my mother to London but yet when we invite her to dinner or somewhere there is always an excuse. My wife swears it is her and that my mother just hates her and talks abouther back. Tshe said if you mom calls, don’t even answer the phone if you want to stay with me. I did not tell her anything about the London thing because I know it would upset her but either way she found out and my dumbass did not tell her .
> 
> now how do I tell her that I want to talk to my mother and set evething straight? She was like if you talk to her is to make yourself look good and paint me as the bad one and the one that wantsyou To distance from them


Don't tell her and just go talk to your mother and set everything straight. Don't tell her until you've done it and you're pretty sure it's going to work.


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