# Get togethers and parties



## katies (May 19, 2015)

My husband have a house that's set up for entertaining but beyond that, we also like to just spend time with friends. We're starting to feel like we have extended invitations many times, with nothing in return. Do people not do that? We're starting to feel that unless invitations are reciprocated, then we won't invite those people over or out or spend time with them. How hard is it to have people over for a dinner party? or cocktails? 
I would be mortified if someone invited me somewhere and we didn't reciprocate. 
What is with people?


----------



## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Some people like to entertain, some people don’t. Some people have a nice house and space and money to entertain, some don’t. I wouldn’t be offended.


----------



## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

I hate having company personally. If the party is at your place, I'll go. Dont expect me to invite you over in return however. Instead, I'll set up an outing at a bar somewhere. Its actually to the point in our house that we never answer our front door lol. We don't even bother to keep quiet either. If someone rings the bell, we just ignore it and continue with what we are doing. I imagine some neighbors and sales people see and hear us moving around and wonder why we dont answer the door. Uh, because we don't want to, now kindly F off.


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I'm not really the kind of person who keeps track of that, but I can tell you that Even though my husband and I will occasionaly have guests for dinner, we do not host parties because our house is small. We have a large backyard, but we are right in the center of town, and so having a lot of music and people in the back yard would be a noise issue. Thankfully none of our friends are keeping score.


----------



## katies (May 19, 2015)

should one keep score in friendships? It seems like we are always the givers.


----------



## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

katies said:


> should one keep score in friendships? It seems like we are always the givers.


Probably not with close friends. Some people are moochers more than friends. Its probably healthy to keep score with those types. At some point you catch on and cut them off so to speak. But good close friends, nah. Seems like a source of unnecessary resentment.


----------



## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

katies said:


> We're starting to feel that unless invitations are reciprocated, then we won't invite those people over or out or spend time with them. How hard is it to have people over for a dinner party? or cocktails?
> I would be mortified if someone invited me somewhere and we didn't reciprocate.
> What is with people?


Absolutely, just invite people over who genuinely want to reciprocate. As an introvert, I wish people wouldn't invite me to things if they expect me to reciprocate. I may say yes because I don't want to hurt your feelings or be awkward by turning down the invitation, but in no way am I going to host a dinner party to reciprocate. 

I totally am in support of you just socializing with people who like to socialize. I have no problem not getting invited to parties, and I actually prefer it that way. Not everyone gets the same enjoyment from socializing. And if accepting an invitation means I'll have to endure the chore (to me) of hosting a party, I'd rather not go.


----------



## katies (May 19, 2015)

wilson said:


> Absolutely, just invite people over who genuinely want to reciprocate.


not always easy to know that. We moved in last year, invited our next door neighbors to our Christmas party saying we'd love to get to know them. And nothing. It was a regrets only RSVP too. Nothing. **** them then.


----------



## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Mooching? Geez. This thread is so petty to me. You should do something because you enjoy it not because you want something in return.


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

katies said:


> should one keep score in friendships? It seems like we are always the givers.


Givers of what? Your home for get togethers? Maybe they give in other ways. I just can't relate to calling people "friend" and then keeping a running tally of who has done the most/called first the most/texted first, etc.

Seems silly to me.


----------



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

IDK, maybe some of those people simply does like hosting parties. My W and I have a large house, big backyard that is basically set up for entertaining. However, we rarely ever host any parties, it is just something that for us we find exhausting and not particularly enjoyable. Seems silly to me if someone invited my W and I over to their house that somehow we now need to reciprocate.


----------



## katies (May 19, 2015)

personofinterest said:


> Givers of what? Your home for get togethers? Maybe they give in other ways. I just can't relate to calling people "friend" and then keeping a running tally of who has done the most/called first the most/texted first, etc.
> 
> Seems silly to me.


Never said anything about calling or texting. Our house in town, our lake home, coming with us on our boat. WE just got tickets to a college football game, asked friends to come with us and we all had a great time. They got tickets to another game next weekend and said hey guess what, we're going to this game. No mention of us. 

I have a friend I've had to the lake three times for an overnighter where we boat. She's been to my house many times. Not one invitation to her house. 
We're all basicallly of the same socioeconomic status. I just think if people offer to you, you should give back. If you can't or don't want to, then why participate to begin with?


----------



## katies (May 19, 2015)

EllisRedding said:


> Seems silly to me if someone invited my W and I over to their house that somehow we now need to reciprocate.


odd, because it seems just the opposite to me.


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

katies said:


> Never said anything about calling or texting. Our house in town, our lake home, coming with us on our boat. WE just got tickets to a college football game, asked friends to come with us and we all had a great time. They got tickets to another game next weekend and said hey guess what, we're going to this game. No mention of us.
> 
> I have a friend I've had to the lake three times for an overnighter where we boat. She's been to my house many times. Not one invitation to her house.
> We're all basicallly of the same socioeconomic status. I just think if people offer to you, you should give back. If you can't or don't want to, then why participate to begin with?


So in your mind they are not giving back and are contributing nothing if they do not "give back" in the same way you gave.


----------



## katies (May 19, 2015)

not giving back much in ANY way.. wouldn't have to be OUR way at all.

we have friends who help us do maintenance on our house and buy supper if we take the boat out. They are wonderful. Those kinds of things.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Girl_power said:


> Some people like to entertain, some people don’t. Some people have a nice house and space and money to entertain, some don’t. I wouldn’t be offended.


I strongly agree with this.

We have large parties two or three times a year. We are invited to just two of the others houses or apartments.

We have a big house and can accommodate many people.

Many of our friends don't.

I applaud those who insist on reciprocating. 

We personally are happy that most of the people show up and consume the food and the drinks!!

We want and really enjoy our friends company. Expecting them to reciprocate, while socially proper, is not important to us.


----------



## azimuth (May 15, 2018)

katies said:


> not always easy to know that. We moved in last year, invited our next door neighbors to our Christmas party saying we'd love to get to know them. And nothing. It was a regrets only RSVP too. Nothing. **** them then.


This seems harsh. Neighbor relationships need to be handled with extreme care. I think it's good to keep some distance from your neighbors. You had just moved in, they didn't know you. I usually only go to social events with people I know. You said you'd love to get to know them, but what if you ended up hating them? Then you'd be stuck setting a precedent to invite them to future parties at your house. For your neighbors, I would just get to know them over time, a very long time, and be happy if you're cordial to each other.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

We have friends who love to entertain, and have a large home that is set up for it. We are usually invited for major holidays, and every few weeks otherwise. Most of the time, we bring some food and wine. They may have 2 to 10 guests at a time. Our home is packed with more than 4 people, so we don't entertain much, except other couples. We do invite these friends over a few times a year, and make them dinner, play some games, etc. That works for us. They even travel with us - Hawaii next month, for example.

There is no way we could reciprocate on the scale they entertain, and we don't particularly want to. Health, wealth, and space accounts for some of the differences. And they're extroverts, whereas we're introverts. They LIKE to entertain. We don't.

If you don't enjoy the company of the people who can't or won't reciprocate, then don't invite them. If you do, don't worry about what they do - just enjoy.


----------



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

katies said:


> odd, because it seems just the opposite to me.


Your original post reads though that if you invite people over, the "proper" thing to do if they are really your friends would be to invite you over to their house? Maybe I am missing here. If my W and I are invited over someone else's house, we will bring something (food, drinks, dessert, etc...). Is that not reciprocation enough? Are you looking for a 1:1 reciprocation?


----------



## katies (May 19, 2015)

SunCMars said:


> I strongly agree with this.
> 
> We have large parties two or three times a year. We are invited to just two of the others houses or apartments.
> 
> ...


I do get this.. I guess to get right down to it no matter how you host a party, it's really hard work. And kind of expensive. I guess I feel... slighted? that no one
puts this effort into us if we do it for them. Of course people don't have to do that, but it makes me want to hang more with folks to make an effort for us when we make one for them. I harbor no ill feelings towards those who don't, but I will probably not invite them back.. even though most said they LOVED our party and appreciated being invited.

None of them have small houses, that I can think of.


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Okay, if there are people who are eating your food, riding in your boat, staying at your house, and they don't bring things, offer to help with gas for the boat (a big cost of boating), clean up, etc.....yeah....that would bother me.

We have friend with a large houseboat, and they invite us out a good bit. My husband always offers to fill one of the tanks, and we bring food, buy their dinner, or something.

We are comfortable and enjoy our lives, but we have somehow become friends with several couples who are a good deal more well off than we are. I was thinking maybe these people are a bit intimidated to invite you to their less nice house, but they were giving in other ways. I live in a small house, so we invite people two at a time  or I offer to bring the main dish or help set up and clean up, etc.

Yes, friendships need to be a two way street, even if the modes of contribution are different.


----------



## katies (May 19, 2015)

EllisRedding said:


> Are you looking for a 1:1 reciprocation?


I am not looking for this. Invite us out for cocktails at a bar where we both pay our own, bring a dessert, bottle of wine, etc, pay for the boat gas, etc?


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

katies said:


> My husband have a house that's set up for entertaining but beyond that, we also like to just spend time with friends. We're starting to feel like we have extended invitations many times, with nothing in return. Do people not do that? We're starting to feel that unless invitations are reciprocated, then we won't invite those people over or out or spend time with them. How hard is it to have people over for a dinner party? or cocktails?
> I would be mortified if someone invited me somewhere and we didn't reciprocate.
> What is with people?


For ME, I invite when I want to host. Period. I like entertaining. Some people don't. If the only time we got together at all was when I brought it up, I would definitely stop bringing it up.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

katies said:


> My husband have a house that's set up for entertaining but beyond that, we also like to just spend time with friends. We're starting to feel like we have extended invitations many times, with nothing in return. Do people not do that? We're starting to feel that unless invitations are reciprocated, then we won't invite those people over or out or spend time with them. How hard is it to have people over for a dinner party? or cocktails?
> I would be mortified if someone invited me somewhere and we didn't reciprocate.
> What is with people?


My W entire family descends on home every Christmas. Eat all our food. Drink all our hooch. Make a frick-in mess and then leave. Not one of them has offered their home for a Christmas get together/party. Ever!!! I got the craps of it a few years ago. My W is starting to get the craps of it as there is no reciprocation. My W plans the food for weeks. Does all the inviting. Picks up all the incidentals for party. Cooks and bakes. It takes several hours to clean up afterwards. 

In the same breath of Merry Christmas as each leaves they ask if we are hosting New Years. Yeah sure...GFO.


----------



## katies (May 19, 2015)

azimuth said:


> This seems harsh. Neighbor relationships need to be handled with extreme care. I think it's good to keep some distance from your neighbors. You had just moved in, they didn't know you. I usually only go to social events with people I know. You said you'd love to get to know them, but what if you ended up hating them? Then you'd be stuck setting a precedent to invite them to future parties at your house. For your neighbors, I would just get to know them over time, a very long time, and be happy if you're cordial to each other.


we;ve now lived here a year and nothing. Dont' even know their names.


----------



## katies (May 19, 2015)

Yeswecan said:


> My W entire family descends on home every Christmas. Eat all our food. Drink all our hooch. Make a frick-in mess and then leave. Not one of them has offered their home for a Christmas get together/party. Ever!!! I got the craps of it a few years ago. My W is starting to get the craps of it as there is no reciprocation. My W plans the food for weeks. Does all the inviting. Picks up all the incidentals for party. Cooks and bakes. It takes several hours to clean up afterwards.
> 
> In the same breath of Merry Christmas as each leaves they ask if we are hosting New Years. Yeah sure...GFO.


Why my husband's side is never invited for a holiday.


----------



## katies (May 19, 2015)

Married but Happy said:


> We do invite these friends over a few times a year, and make them dinner, play some games, etc. That works for us.


And it would work for us too!


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

katies said:


> Why my husband's side is never invited for a holiday.


You understand completely then. They mooch and make a mess. Sheesh...rather spend the evening watching re-runs of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and supporting Yukon Cornelius in his gold search than put of with the mess.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

katies said:


> And it would work for us too!


Some kind of appreciation is important. We can't do what our friends do. The takers show their nature soon enough, so weed them out from future invitations. That's just the way it is - eventually you will have a core group of people you like, and who do _something_ in return, even if not in kind. There is also a difference between people whose company you enjoy occasionally, and true friends. You can expect - and get - a lot more from the latter.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Another annoyance my W family perpetrates is not RSVP timely. Good Lord, sometimes it is the day of the party!! Really, what? Nothing better came up so plan B was our home for free food and hooch? And to add insult, arrive with a frick-in box of Entenmann's cookies from the grocery store as their "contribution". Yeah..GTFO.


----------



## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

katies said:


> I just think if people offer to you, you should give back. If you can't or don't want to, then why participate to begin with?


As long as we are here, what would you want these people to say when you invited them? How would you want them to decline the invitation if they had no desire to reciprocate? Do you want them to say something like "I'd love to, but I'm not the type to reciprocate, so I have to say no."?

I suppose one way you could approach socializing is to only invite people who talk about hosting parties themselves. So if you're with a couple who talks about their great patio and how they love having friends over, that's a good couple to ask over for dinner. You already know they like to host people, and would be very likely to reciprocate. But if you're with couples who never mention socializing or hosting parties, don't extend an invitation to those people.


----------



## katies (May 19, 2015)

Yeswecan said:


> Another annoyance my W family perpetrates is not RSVP timely. Good Lord, sometimes it is the day of the party!! Really, what? Nothing better came up so plan B was our home for free food and hooch? And to add insult, arrive with a frick-in box of Entenmann's cookies from the grocery store as their "contribution". Yeah..GTFO.


yeah, very glad we live 350 miles away from closest relative.


----------



## katies (May 19, 2015)

wilson said:


> As long as we are here, what would you want these people to say when you invited them? How would you want them to decline the invitation if they had no desire to reciprocate? Do you want them to say something like "I'd love to, but I'm not the type to reciprocate, so I have to say no."?


send regrets only, as per the invitation, no need for an explanation. Or, yes! I'd love to. What can I bring?


----------



## azimuth (May 15, 2018)

katies said:


> we;ve now lived here a year and nothing. Dont' even know their names.


As long as you don't have major problems with your neighbors I'd consider that a win. Neighbors are an entirely different issue than regular friends or family.


----------



## katies (May 19, 2015)

azimuth said:


> As long as you don't have major problems with your neighbors I'd consider that a win. Neighbors are an entirely different issue than regular friends or family.


I suppose that's true. It does seem odd to me. Why WOULDN'T you want to get to know someone new? Why wouldn't you want more people in your circle? People actually choose this for themselves? Weird. They're new in town as well.


----------



## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

katies said:


> I suppose that's true. It does seem odd to me. Why WOULDN'T you want to get to know someone new? Why wouldn't you want more people in your circle? People actually choose this for themselves? Weird. They're new in town as well.




I didn’t know I had to explain this but not everyone is like you. We are all different and like different things.


----------



## katies (May 19, 2015)

Girl_power said:


> I didn’t know I had to explain this but not everyone is like you. We are all different and like different things.


I know. It still seems odd. Probably the neighbors are wondering why we have ppl over all the time.


----------



## azimuth (May 15, 2018)

katies said:


> I suppose that's true. It does seem odd to me. Why WOULDN'T you want to get to know someone new? Why wouldn't you want more people in your circle? People actually choose this for themselves? Weird. They're new in town as well.


It's called being introverted. Some people are fine with a small group of close friends rather than expanding their circle. They're not "weird" it's just a different type of personality.


----------



## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

katies said:


> we;ve now lived here a year and nothing. Dont' even know their names.


These sound like the best neighbors I could ever wish for! We've lived on the same street for 7 years and I only know the names of two of them... and that is only because we accidentally received their mail a few times.  

Hosting a party? Willingly having someone come over my house? Oh Lord no. I am getting stressed out just thinking about it. 

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


----------



## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

katies said:


> send regrets only, as per the invitation, no need for an explanation. Or, yes! I'd love to. What can I bring?


You're putting people in an uncomfortable position. Earlier you said:



katies said:


> We moved in last year, invited our next door neighbors to our Christmas party saying we'd love to get to know them. And nothing. It was a regrets only RSVP too. Nothing. **** them then.


If they say no, then you think **** them. If they say yes, then they are obligated to host a party they don't want to or else you think **** of them. 

Perhaps it might be worth looking at other areas to live. I know different neighborhoods or cities can vary widely in how social people are. If you're ever looking at houses, talk to neighbors to get a feel of the place. If the neighbors stand in the doorway and can't tell you anything about anyone else who lives on the street, then they probably aren't a very social bunch. But if they invite you in for a visit and say you should come to the weekly cul-de-sac party, then that's the place for you.


----------



## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

personofinterest said:


> Wow, smartass much?




I know I am. But the OP is off putting and sounds like she has the maturity of a high school girl.


----------



## katies (May 19, 2015)

wilson said:


> You're putting people in an uncomfortable position. Earlier you said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


no, I meant just RSVP your regrets - that would be no problem. BUT for freak's sake when an invite says regrets only, then forking do it - help another human out - they're planning a party and if you're not coming, say so! 

We just moved here a year ago! We're not leaving. Our old cul de sac was like that too. We didn't think it could get any worse. That said, we have met OTHER neighbors who are very friendly.


----------



## katies (May 19, 2015)

Girl_power said:


> I know I am. But the OP is off putting and sounds like she has the maturity of a high school girl.


oh no, I'm off putting.


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> I know I am. But the OP is off putting and sounds like she has the maturity of a high school girl.


And you responded with the maturity of junior high. I guess you're even.

I'm what people might call an extroverted introvert. I do enjoy people when I am in the mood for people (lol) and it isn't unusual for me to make small talk with the person in line behind me. But I NEED to recharge too. After a weekend of socializing I usually just want to spend the next few nights in seclusion lol

Sometimes I close the door to my office just so I won't have to see anyone.

But I'm not a smartass. It isn't an introvert requirement.

Okay...I AM a smartass. But it's not because I have introverted tendencies. It's part of my undeniable and limitless charm.


----------



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

azimuth said:


> It's called being introverted. Some people are fine with a small group of close friends rather than expanding their circle. They're not "weird" it's just a different type of personality.


Unfortunately this happens often. It is funny, I know and have seen quite a few introverts who view extroverts as fun but find it an exhausting lifestyle that doesn't really interest them. On the other hand, I have seen quite a few Extroverts view introverts as being weird or having something wrong with them... Heck, I can even see it directly where my W and I are introverts and my Sis / BIL are extroverts. The first time I ever had my portrait taken was so I could add my Avatar here on TAM as you can see now


----------



## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

katies said:


> we;ve now lived here a year and nothing. Dont' even know their names.


I could be your neighbor for all I know. I dont talk to neighbors. Dont really give a damn what is going on with them tbh. I don't think there is anything wrong with keeping to yourself.


----------



## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

personofinterest said:


> Wow, smartass much?


Seemed like an appropriate response to calling others weird jist for being different.


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Well, to be fair dude, you are kind of weird. I can say that because it takes one to know one 😄


----------



## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

personofinterest said:


> Well, to be fair dude, you are kind of weird. I can say that because it takes one to know one 😄


Oh I know I'm weird. I'm just saying that a neighbor who keeps to themselves isn't necessarily weird. Not any more weird than someone who invites strangers into their home. For all Katie knows, those neighbors might be kleptos and its a good thing they weren't ever in her house.


----------



## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

We have a large house and host the odd party. Not too many. Plan to do more now that the kids have all moved out.

We have friends that:

1) Also Host parties
2) Don't host parties because their house is always a mess
3) Don't host parties because they have older parents living there or younger kids
4) Don't host parties because their house is too small
5) Don't host parties because they can't handle the stress
6) Don't host parties because they are cheap

They are still all our friends. The people that show up at the parties all the time usually also host parties (party people). Except for the messy house person. They show up all the time but are the life of the party so we don't mind that they don't host. They usually bring us a bottle of wine.

We have lived in this community for 20 years. You get to know who you want at your parties and who you don't. You also get to learn everyone's situation and personalities and then it makes sense as to whether or not they host parties.

We have family that never invites us to their place for celebrations. We always end up doing it. It ticks my wife off. I don't mind. My wife does most of the planning and work for it though. It only happens a couple of times a year and is still fun to have everyone over.


----------



## katies (May 19, 2015)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> I could be your neighbor for all I know. I dont talk to neighbors. Dont really give a damn what is going on with them tbh. I don't think there is anything wrong with keeping to yourself.


OMG are you a huge guy from Iowa who drives a LExus? I'm on to you!


----------



## katies (May 19, 2015)

SadSamIAm said:


> We have family that never invites us to their place for celebrations. We always end up doing it. It ticks my wife off. I don't mind. My wife does most of the planning and work for it though. It only happens a couple of times a year and is still fun to have everyone over.


Buy your wife something nice!


----------



## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

katies said:


> OMG are you a huge guy from Iowa who drives a LExus? I'm on to you!


If I lived in Iowa I would be too ashamed to admit that to anyone. Even on an anonymous forum.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

katies said:


> should one keep score in friendships? It seems like we are always the givers.


In s-wife's culture it is expected to reciprocate or else you get dropped from the rotation. 

The good Dr. thought she could invite people once in 2 years and be invited several times a year. Then when much to my relief they stopped inviting us she thought they were jerks. 

Too bad.


----------



## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Btw, if it makes you feel better about not knowing your neighbors, ive been in my house for over 9 years. I dont know anyone's name or even what some of them look like except for the old bird next door. Her husband passed away about 5 years ago and sometimes she needs help moving stuff in her home, turning on the faucet outside after winter... Things like that. We go over every once in a while to play Chinese checkers and keep her company for a bit. She's a nice lady. But yeah, besides her I've never felt compelled to talk to anyone else.


----------



## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Asking neighbors is always going to be a crap shoot. Is there any place in your neighborhood where people hang out, like a clubhouse, pool, park, etc? That's probably the best place to meet which neighbors like to socialize. And there's always joining something like a country club, where a big part of membership is the socialization aspect.

And I would like to make a request for compassion towards those who aren't as social. I already feel inadequate because I don't have the socialization gene. I know it makes people feel awkward if I reject their invitation. I know it makes people think **** towards me if I don't reciprocate or leave a party early. For all people like us, I apologize to the people who like to socialize.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

katies said:


> My husband have a house that's set up for entertaining but beyond that, we also like to just spend time with friends. We're starting to feel like we have extended invitations many times, with nothing in return. Do people not do that? We're starting to feel that unless invitations are reciprocated, then we won't invite those people over or out or spend time with them. How hard is it to have people over for a dinner party? or cocktails?
> I would be mortified if someone invited me somewhere and we didn't reciprocate.
> What is with people?


Where are these people in their lives. Maybe they don't have the time to throw a party. It's a lot easier to got to one then to throw one. Maybe at present you guys are just in a better position (kids, work, health, money) to be able to entertain. Doesn't mean it's personal.


----------



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> I could be your neighbor for all I know. I dont talk to neighbors. Dont really give a damn what is going on with them tbh. I don't think there is anything wrong with keeping to yourself.


Pretty much same here. It helps though as I live in a neighborhood with larger property sizes, so you aren't on top of your neighbors. If I don't know my neighbor, I don't have to worry about doing the awkward wave every time I may drive by them lol

Someone in our neighborhood is having an adult only party next weekend of which we were invited. I am already working on my reasons as to why we can't go...


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

EllisRedding said:


> Pretty much same here. It helps though as I live in a neighborhood with larger property sizes, so you aren't on top of your neighbors. If I don't know my neighbor, I don't have to worry about doing the awkward wave every time I may drive by them lol
> 
> Someone in our neighborhood is having an adult only party next weekend of which we were invited. *I am already working on my reasons as to why we can't go...*



"Oh, I'm so sorry! We can't make it. It was so kind of you to offer, though!" in a pleasant, upbeat, sincere tone. That's all the "reason" I ever give anyone, with the exception of family and very close friends, as to why I can't accept an invitation. "No" is a complete sentence, but I'm Southern so dressing that "no" up a bit is required. What isn't required, though, is a reason or an excuse. :yawn2:


----------



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Rowan said:


> "Oh, I'm so sorry! We can't make it. It was so kind of you to offer, though!" in a pleasant, upbeat, sincere tone. That's all the "reason" I ever give anyone, with the exception of family and very close friends, as to why I can't accept an invitation. "No" is a complete sentence, but I'm Southern so dressing that "no" up a bit is required. What isn't required, though, is a reason or an excuse. :yawn2:


Actually, kids is always the perfect excuse "Sorry, can't make it, we have no one to watch the kids".


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> katies said:
> 
> 
> > OMG are you a huge guy from Iowa who drives a LExus? I'm on to you!
> ...


 Thanks a lot! I just snorted out loud when I read this and now people think I am even weirder!


----------



## 2&out (Apr 16, 2015)

I throw parties very regularly - at least a dozen a year. I like to. If I can find an excuse or reason/event to have one I likely will. I think I have a great house and yard that I'm proud of. I like to think I throw great parties. They are almost always "open" parties and all friends and family/s are welcome. And most all come every time - usually ~ 30 to 40. I don't mind the work and fortunately expense is not much of a concern. Most bring some sort of munchy or contribution. More than enough people offer help during the party and assist with the majority of clean-up at the end. I get much satisfaction having them and feel great that people have a good time at my place and how fortunate I am that they come. 

I never really thought about who invites me to their place. I get to see and hang with them when they come to mine. I'd rather they come to mine anyway - that way I can party on dude - and no driving or other concerns. And having a few extra bedrooms means anyone else is welcome to stay over.


----------



## 2&out (Apr 16, 2015)

I do have one enforced rule tho. No drama - take it elsewhere. We are here to have fun. I've sent bickering couples/people away a couple times so all know I won't tolerate it at my place.


----------



## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> If I lived in Iowa I would be too ashamed to admit that to anyone. Even on an anonymous forum.


Side tangent - I have a major pet peeve when people criticize where other people live or parts of our country. As if choosing to live one place or another makes them a better or more intelligent person. I know you are joking but still...

I've lived or had long term projects for work all over this country. From the rust-belt Midwest to living posh downtown in our biggest cities, to Cali (both north and south) and through Texas and back down to Florida. I don't think there's a major city or part of the country I haven't spent real time in. I've also through work spent a ton of time in different 2nd and 3rd world spots. We have it so good here most people have no idea - yes - even in Iowa (which I visited last year in Iowa City and love btw!). There are major differences yes and trade-offs too. Some are more exciting where others are peaceful and serene. Some places have big touristy things to do and see that anyone can find. Others have hidden gems that don't jump out right away. Some places are so crazy expensive that the cost to live there means living in modest homes with big debt, where in other spots you can get a castle and acres of privacy for the same. So everyone can choose to some extent what matches their needs and there isn't truly a 'best' place to live or even 'better'. Different folks, different needs.

/rant


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

katies said:


> no, I meant just RSVP your regrets - that would be no problem. BUT for freak's sake when an invite says regrets only, then forking do it - help another human out - they're planning a party and if you're not coming, say so!
> 
> We just moved here a year ago! We're not leaving. Our old cul de sac was like that too. We didn't think it could get any worse. That said, we have met OTHER neighbors who are very friendly.


For ME, I do not like an invitation to be an obligation. For that reason, I do the opposite and ask for responses for affirmative. For anyone who does not want to deal with it, it is a win. Personally, I would be annoyed to learn that how friendly I am is a source of judgement for a neighbor.


----------



## katies (May 19, 2015)

I think what I'm taking from all this is that its not a dig at me personally if people don't come or reciprocate. Because I Think I was.


----------



## katies (May 19, 2015)

BigDigg said:


> Side tangent - I have a major pet peeve when people criticize where other people live or parts of our country. As if choosing to live one place or another makes them a better or more intelligent person. I know you are joking but still...
> 
> I've lived or had long term projects for work all over this country. From the rust-belt Midwest to living posh downtown in our biggest cities, to Cali (both north and south) and through Texas and back down to Florida. I don't think there's a major city or part of the country I haven't spent real time in. I've also through work spent a ton of time in different 2nd and 3rd world spots. We have it so good here most people have no idea - yes - even in Iowa (which I visited last year in Iowa City and love btw!). There are major differences yes and trade-offs too. Some are more exciting where others are peaceful and serene. Some places have big touristy things to do and see that anyone can find. Others have hidden gems that don't jump out right away. Some places are so crazy expensive that the cost to live there means living in modest homes with big debt, where in other spots you can get a castle and acres of privacy for the same. So everyone can choose to some extent what matches their needs and there isn't truly a 'best' place to live or even 'better'. Different folks, different needs.
> 
> /rant


I agree. I love it here. Inexpensive, huge affordable homes, great education, gay marriage, etc. 
To the people who say they wouldn't admit it, have you been here?


----------



## katies (May 19, 2015)

NobodySpecial said:


> For ME, I do not like an invitation to be an obligation. For that reason, I do the opposite and ask for responses for affirmative. For anyone who does not want to deal with it, it is a win. Personally, I would be annoyed to learn that how friendly I am is a source of judgement for a neighbor.


I actually thought regrets only would be easier for ppl.


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

katies said:


> I actually thought regrets only would be easier for ppl.


I think a lot of people feel obligated to come up with a valid-sounding reason or excuse as to why they can't come. So, if they just don't want to, they might feel compelled to come up with some better reason to give you, even if they have to make something up. Which may be stressful and add a layer of pressure to the encounter. 

Do I think adults should be capable of letting their host know they can't make it? Absolutely. But I am also well aware that much of modern society has largely given up entirely on social niceties, so I generally don't expect much from people in the way of responses. If I really need to know if they're coming, I'll call and ask directly. Otherwise, "Y'all come. Bring friends!"


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

2&out said:


> I do have one enforced rule tho. No drama - take it elsewhere. We are here to have fun. I've sent bickering couples/people away a couple times so all know I won't tolerate it at my place.


THIS

Our friends have some friends who tend to drink too much and cause drama. So sometimes if we know those people will be there we evaluate whether or not to go lol. And while I like them as people, we don't usually invite the drama-drinkers to our gatherings because A. I don't want drama and B. We also have some of H's family there from time to time and I don't want that going on.


----------



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Rowan said:


> I think a lot of people feel obligated to come up with a valid-sounding reason or excuse as to why they can't come. So, if they just don't want to, they might feel compelled to come up with some better reason to give you, even if they have to make something up. Which may be stressful and add a layer of pressure to the encounter.
> 
> Do I think adults should be capable of letting their host know they can't make it? Absolutely. But I am also well aware that much of modern society has largely given up entirely on social niceties, so I generally don't expect much from people in the way of responses. If I really need to know if they're coming, I'll call and ask directly. Otherwise, "Y'all come. Bring friends!"


Honestly, if I were to send out an invitation, I would expect a response regardless of answer (a simple yes or no, don't need anything more). However, I would note on the invitation that responses can just be sent via text. I think this helps to take out some of the "pressure" or awkwardness some may feel (myself included as I hate talking on the phone).

That said, I think this year we only had one small get together with friends. We typically would have a big family get together every summer, but my W and I found it to be too exhausting so we skipped this year.


----------



## katies (May 19, 2015)

```

```



personofinterest said:


> THIS
> 
> Our friends have some friends who tend to drink too much and cause drama. So sometimes if we know those people will be there we evaluate whether or not to go lol. And while I like them as people, we don't usually invite the drama-drinkers to our gatherings because A. I don't want drama and B. We also have some of H's family there from time to time and I don't want that going on.


This has actually never happened to me. Of course now that I say that.... 

I do have a funny story though. One of my best friends is a mental health counselor. She said every big party she's been at at my house she's seen a client. One came right up to her and said - "Lisa! How are you doing!" And then turned to me and said she went to Lisa when she couldn't stand her husband. Husband was right beside her. We alll shrugged and went on with the party.


----------



## katies (May 19, 2015)

EllisRedding said:


> Honestly, if I were to send out an invitation, I would expect a response regardless of answer (a simple yes or no, don't need anything more). However, I would note on the invitation that responses can just be sent via text. I think this helps to take out some of the "pressure" or awkwardness some may feel (myself included as I hate talking on the phone).
> 
> That said, I think this year we only had one small get together with friends. We typically would have a big family get together every summer, but my W and I found it to be too exhausting so we skipped this year.


I send out options for text or email.


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

katies said:


> ```
> 
> ```
> This has actually never happened to me. Of course now that I say that....
> ...


Because our friends house their boat at a marina, a lot of "boat" get togethers happen there, and everyone just comes. A couple of people are known to drink too much whiskey and pick fights - like actual fist fights as if it is high school on the Dukes of Hazzard! H and I have learned to leave these gatherings by about 10:00 pm.

I mean come on, fist fights are just white trash. UGH


----------



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

katies said:


> I send out options for text or email.


If you want to scare some people away, have the only response option be FaceTime


----------



## woman (Aug 19, 2011)

Well this makes me feel better. I enjoy entertaining but for a while had a friend who would always invite himself and his partner/children around for me to cook up a storm. I did it a couple of times, then suggested we go out which he refused to do, so it made me feel like he was more in it for the free food than anything else, so didn't invite them again. Also I have a tendency to drink too much, but I'm a fun drunk. Can't imagine getting ****faced and picking fights.


----------

