# irritable



## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

I have noticed that my moods haven't been that good lately. I am normally really kind and understanding and patient with others. But lately I just haven't been myself. I find myself rather irritable with (inconsiderate) strangers, as I rudely point out their rudeness or incompetence. I roll my eyes a lot more at people, as my patience is at an all time low. When I come home I am dead tired and just want to lie in bed. I am tired often and have been indulging in extra rich food lately to numb myself out.... and my weight is at an all time high, and my clothes are getting tight.  It's like my impulse control (both in terms of food habits, as well in terms of politeness to others) is completely shot right now. I'm just a big meanie.  But this is not normally me, as I used to be a sweet person.

I wasn't sure what the heck was wrong with me, but from searching online, I was reading that irritability can be a part of the grieving process.

Just wanted to know if others have experienced this sort of emotional upheaval as part of their grieving process. I am not psychotic or anything, so please don't suggest that there is anything mentally wrong with me. As I know that my emotions are very likely related to the dissolution of my marriage, as my annulment will be complete in a week or two, and the emotions just started in these final stages of the process. Before then I was doing better as I still had hope for my marriage to be saved... but as the hope died, some sort of generalized crankiness settled in.

Any strategies for coping? I do have a therapist who I haven't seen in awhile, though she isn't around for another few weeks as she's on vacation... which is too bad, as talking things over with someone would probably help. I've been holding my emotions in for the last few months and just trying to be strong about this. I realize I do need to find more constructive ways of dealing with this rather than lashing out at others and eating myself into a food coma. 

I just wanted to know if any of you have experienced anything remotely like this during or after your divorce, and if you found anything positive that helped you get through it. Thanks!!


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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

This post could have been written by me..  

I am 52 years old and for 48 years of my life have always been kind, never wanting to hurt people's feelings and always put people ahead of my own needs.

The last 3 years after STBXH affairs, financial stress and abandonment of spouse to mistress, I am much more verbal, angry and negative. My weight has increased and my general attitude sucks. In other words, I don't like myself right now. Sad but true

I have been to therapy and now am hoping to just focus on myself, meditate and live in the moment versus obsessing about cheating spouse and his current lifestyle.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

Thank you so much, Moyo, for your kind note. 

I was actually of the same mindset, as I decided today that I was not going to wallow in misery, but at least try to do something positive for myself. Although I wasn't feeling like seeing anyone due to my recent weight gain, I still went out with family friends for lunch and we had a great time.

After coming home, I came on TAM and read some of these threads, which lifted my spirits, as I realize that I don't need to continue to keep my ex on some pedestal... but realize that he was just someone who didn't make me a priority, and there are other men out there who will.

This evening, I went to the gym, as I haven't been there in awhile, and I had a great workout. Seeing other healthy fit people there made me feel good and motivated. And the endorphin boost was very helpful too. I know I can work off the extra weight if I just stick to healthy habits. I'm feeling a whole lot better this evening. I also was friendly with the gym staff (a guy and girl) and just smiling and making light chat with people was something else positive.

Tomorrow I fly out of town, as I have a job interview on Monday... so I'll try to have some fun in a new city. I have a lot of positive things going for me with my career, so I'll try to focus on that.

I agree with you that it's easier to just eat away our misery... but no fun to deal with the consequences later. It'll be a day at a time for now, but I'm going to try my best to keep a positive attitude. Best wishes to you too.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

Thanks so much, Zappy. You are right that I did take my marriage vows seriously. I was prepared to make efforts toward this marriage for the rest of my life. But despite all of my efforts, I couldn't make up for my STBXH's lack of effort. It takes 2 to make a marriage.

Since the time I wrote this thread, I really haven't been irritable. It was just a phase I went through. My moods are very stable now.... I'm just a bit tired, but back to my usual friendly self. However, I will give myself permission to feel whatever moods come up in this process, and realize that they are normal. If I get irritable again a few days or weeks from now, I'll allow myself to feel that.

About 6 days ago, my ex sent me another email about how much he loves me and misses me, and how he knows that if it weren't for his mistakes, that we'd still be together. He had sent me many of such emails in the past, but it's all talk and no action. He keeps referencing his 'mistakes' but won't specify what they are. When I've asked him point blank what mistakes he's referencing, he just says that he feels to shy to discuss it. In the past, whenever I'd take the bait and ask him "so if you are sorry for the past, and really love and miss me, why don't you work to fixing things so we can be happy together?" he'd have no response other than to tell me that I was also part of the problem too and that I should change myself first. And then we'd be back to square one. At this point, I'm not even willing to take the bait by responding anymore as it's the same old, same old. He just thinks that by telling me he loves me, he can get things back to status quo (i.e. limbo) as I will be back to chatting with him again. But then things never change. I have told him before that I want 100% of him, but if he can't give me 100% then give me 0% and move on.... as I won't waste the rest of my life with his crumbs of 1-2% efforts, as I just can't live like that. Getting an email from him every 3 weeks with him living in another country is no marriage... not one that I can accept, when he voluntarily chooses to be with his mother instead of me.

His birthday is this week, which is hard for me. I will not contact him or email him. I'm sure he's expecting a contact from me, but I won't. A few days ago I ordered something online for him, to arrive for his birthday. I know I shouldn't have done this. But I did. It was a book on personal development that I really like. I sent it anonymously (with a gift wrap and message of "Best wishes for a happier brighter future" from a "well wisher"), so he may or may not even realize that I was the one who sent it. I ordered it from a local delivery company in his country. If he contacts me to thank me for the book, I don't think I will respond. I still love him deeply, though I know I need to stop replying to his communication.

I am trying to help myself with my food and exercise issues. There is a binge eating support group class which starts next week that I'm planning to join, and I've started a fitness challenge online. It's hard for me to look at myself in the mirror, as I don't recognize myself from all of the weight I have gained. I keep feeling like I look like some kind of blimp or pillsbury dough boy, but I know I have to be kinder to myself. I'll work on that.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

FrustratedFL said:


> This post could have been written by me..
> 
> I am 52 years old and for 48 years of my life have always been kind, never wanting to hurt people's feelings and always put people ahead of my own needs.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry you are going through this also, Frustrated. Let's both resolve to make ourselves a better version of the way we are now in 2014. I gave my spouse so much of my power, but I'd like to take it back for myself. Try your best to keep your spirits up and make this a good year, as YOU deserve that.


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