# Is It Ever Ok to Cheat?



## sammy8737 (Sep 28, 2016)

I'm new here and I'm at a loss. I've been married to my H for over 30 years. I am mid 50's , good shape, take great care of myself and have a family owned company. We have not had sex in years. Yes, years. 

I can't stand my husband and haven't for about as long as we haven't had sex. I can't even close my eyes and imagine. He's not gross, overweight smells bad or anything like that. I just don't respect him as a man. I used to love sex all the time. At a drop of a hat, at a drop of your hat. We did everything possible. 

He's been an alcoholic forever and it has affected his work. As in he doesn't come in, he says he's tired, etc etc. I on the other hand love to work. Always have. 

No, we can't sell the business. No we can't separate as we are so tied together, my lawyer says grin and bear it for a few more years.

Morally, I know it's wrong. But I just can't take it anymore. He won't go to counseling, AA or squat. I've been to counseling, sex counseling, marriage counseling, you name it.

Same answer, get a divorce. Am I just a stupid woman?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Sweetheart ~ you are indeed between a rock and a hard place!

And no, it is never acceptable or honorable to cheat in your wedding vows or on your spouse!

That being said, I'll be fastly praying for your plight!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

So here's what it comes down to: there is a COST and a BENEFIT to every choice. 

1) You can choose to not lose the business and the home and the comfy life (the benefit) and the cost is that you get no sex. 

OR

2) You can choose to pursue sex while you can (the benefit) and the cost is the business, the home and the comfy life. 

What you can NOT do is try to convince us that there are occasionally instances where cheating is justified. Not gonna happen. If you feel you "have to" cheat--then just be brave and end the marriage.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You are not stupid.

Is it ever OK to cheat?

Not really. The guilt trips up decent people. And you are a decent person.

Alcoholism breaks the alcoholic and also the hearts of his/her spouse.

But the alcoholic has alcohol as a crutch. The spouse? Not so much to act as their crutch.

There's a reason why they are all suggesting divorce.

However, has he ever tried drying out in a residential setting?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Why don't you ask for an open marriage?

Maybe you already have one and you don't know it.

As in, maybe he's got a gf.

Why did the sex stop?

I realize I'm in the minority here but when you cut your spouse off from sex for years you really have no right to be upset if they end up getting it elsewhere.

If I cut my hb off I'd expect him to eventually be vulnerable to getting it elsewhere. Not saying he would, but I would not be shocked.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sammy8737 (Sep 28, 2016)

He has no desire to quit drinking.


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## sammy8737 (Sep 28, 2016)

I couldn't care less if he was getting it from somewhere else. I've even asked for an open marriage, don't ask and don't tell kind of relationship.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

So, cheat honorably. Tell him that due to his alcoholism and the sexless state of the marriage, your needs have been unmet for far too long and you'll be seeking male companionship outside of the marriage. No argument, no discussion, just inform him and walk away.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Nope.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sammy8737 (Sep 28, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> So, cheat honorably. Tell him that due to his alcoholism and the sexless state of the marriage, your needs have been unmet for far too long and you'll be seeking male companionship outside of the marriage. No argument, no discussion, just inform him and walk away.


Boy are you in the minority.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

sammy8737 said:


> I couldn't care less if he was getting it from somewhere else. I've even asked for an open marriage, don't ask and don't tell kind of relationship.


What was his reply?


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

...


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## sammy8737 (Sep 28, 2016)

EunuchMonk said:


> What was his reply?


No chance. He blames it all on me. I've told him until I'm blue in the face why I won't have sex with him. All he hears is blah, blah, blah. I haven't seen or talked to him in 2 days.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Get divorced. Cheating is for weak people.


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## sammy8737 (Sep 28, 2016)

Personal said:


> If your spouse won't have sex with you. Evidently they aren't behaving like a spouse.
> 
> Consequently you should feel free to have sex with whomever you like, whenever you like, as you like.


I agree, but I'm the one that won't have sex with him.


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## sammy8737 (Sep 28, 2016)

MrsHolland said:


> Get divorced. Cheating is for weak people.


I don't totally agree. Until you've had no contact for years with your spouse, you have no idea what's it like. 

Divorce just isn't the answer right now.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

sammy8737 said:


> I don't totally agree. Until you've had no contact for years with your spouse, you have no idea what's it like.
> 
> Divorce just isn't the answer right now.


You don't have to agree but you came onto a public forum so you are going to get all sorts of opinions.

I ended a 20 year marriage that was sexless. Stand by what I said before, cheating is for weak people. The thing with divorce which you won't understand until you do it is that it can be the most liberating experience of your life and life is too short to waste.

Cheating won't bring about anything positive, it will be a short term high. Divorce is much harder to do but you will have your dignity intact and then be free to restart your life.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

First you should tell your husband that you are at your breaking point. Maybe he will have his come to Jesus moment.

However if not then look at it logically. If you get a divorce you can meet someone new and have a long healthy relationship that can be out in the open an celebrated by both you and your new SO. You can be authentic about it with your friends and family. 

If you cheat all you can have is a tawdry affair, even if you husband knows and doesn't care, people who don't know this will see what you are doing as wrong. Just that fact will put a huge amount of pressure on the cheating relationship. If your husband doesn't know then this will involve you lying and not living an authentic life. Don't you want to live your life with honor? Why sacrifice your integrity for someone you say you "can't stand"? This make no sense. 

Bottom line if you want to have a healthy relationship and move on to happiness you need to end your current relationship first.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

...


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## emmasmith (Aug 11, 2016)

Get divorced!!


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## learner4life (Aug 27, 2016)

Well I know what no contact is like. I won't have sex with my husband either. He seems to prefer pornography over me and I told him there's no way I'd have sex with him under those circumstances. In my view he's cheating. Your husband is cheating too, but he's doing it with a bottle. And I get "circumstances". My kids keep me married for now.


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## Capricious (Sep 21, 2016)

Do you really need to ask the question?

You already know the answer to that. 

Are you just hoping to get justification for something that you have already made up your mind...

No body deserves to be cheated on.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

How much is your integrity and honor worth? Even if you cheat and get away with it cleanly, and take that secret to your grave, you will always have that scarlet letter in your life's folder. There are former wayward wives here who would give anything to take back what they did.

I have a crazy idea. It might work or it might not. It's sort of a Hail Mary to gauge your husband's reaction...


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

sammy8737 said:


> No, we can't sell the business. No we can't separate as we are so tied together, my lawyer says grin and bear it for a few more years.


If the business is what's holding you back from divorcing then put you and your H's ownership interest into a trust. All income from your ownership shares including income from a future sale go into the trust. You and H draw monies equally (or whatever split the divorce papers state) from the trust.

This is what I did in my divorce. In my (single) trust I have ownership shares from 2 corporations and 1 LLC. Consult a trust lawyer.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

sammy8737 said:


> I agree, but I'm the one that won't have sex with him.


And you honestly think he's out there being a choir boy? Very *very* doubtful (unless the alcohol has pickled his man parts and they're unusable). 

So legally, you're stuck with this worthless dead weight around your neck.

I'd tell him we're separating. You don't need his permission to move out of the house. I'll assume he's probably near incapable of taking care of himself and doesn't know how to do his own laundry or how to make toast. So of course, he'll cry the blues that he doesn't want a separation because SOMEONE has to be his mommy. Too bad for him, I guess.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Is cheating wrong?

Yes. 

But what kind of cheating? Sexual cheating, obviously, but what of the other types of cheating?

Cheating your spouse out of a good marriage by being abusive, or an alcoholic or a gambler are also cheating.

You have no husband.

Make it formal. Divorce him. And find peace and satisfaction with a real man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

So that I am clear about your "situation" this is what I understand.

You married your husband when you both were in your early 20's and had a good life ("you used to love sex all the time" - presumably with him).

You have been married for over 30 years.

Now in your mid 50s, you have been taking care of yourself and are in great shape and look good. In the meantime he has built up (maybe with you) a family business.

He on the other hand has (for whatever reason) become an alcoholic and does not perform at work as well as he used to.

And here is the kicker …. *YOU HAVE CHOSEN* NOT TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM BECAUSE OF THIS …. FOR YEARS!!!!

Your marriage vows might have said or implied something along the lines of "in sickness or in health" but you have chosen to ignore that. You need to help him with his alcoholism - instead you figure you would like to try some strange d!ck to keep you satisfied. Whatsmore you don't want to divorce so that you can be sure you don't lose out on any accumulated wealth or stability. So you entertain the idea of getting your sexual needs met by other cheating [email protected] while your husband drives his health into the ground.

Now you may not be one, but this is the behaviour of a self-entitled, cheating, amoral [email protected]! Please don't become one. DON'T CHEAT. Either help him out of his alcoholism or get divorced. And if you decide to stay married, then give him sex or permission to screw other women.

On a different note, why did he start drinking? You need to honestly answer this question to yourself (not necessarily for us).


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

What would you need from your hb to want to have sex with him?

Have you tried MC?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

Do you have kids with your husband, or is the financial issues they only thing that is making it seem impossible to divorce. Don't cheat on your spouse, you will be hurting a lot more people than him and especially your kids if you have any. 

You need to decide what is more important, your happiness or your financial lifestyle. If you chose to stay married for financial reason then stayed married and honor your vows. Don't let this man lower your self respect and dignity. If you really can't take it anymore than divorce and deal with the financial issues somehow. There is more important things than money, you just need to decide which one you want more.

I wish you all the best. I know this is not an easy decision.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Your lawyer says grin & bear it for a couple more years. What happens in a couple of years?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

We all have to make decisions. As someone said, it's a cost/benefit analysis in some cases. Part of the cost depends on how much you value integrity - and I do think there can be mitigating circumstances. While I do not think cheating is ever a good choice, I do think it can sometimes be a lesser evil. And while not a good choice, I do feel that revenge affairs are understandable, and I also think exit affairs are too - if there has been abuse, putting them in the category of revenge as well.

In your case, not so much, though. Suck it up for a few years and then leave, or leave now and risk the financial consequences. Well, unless money is more important than integrity, I guess.


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## guy74 (Dec 24, 2015)

sammy8737 said:


> Am I just a stupid woman?




Nope. Not at all. Don't think you are. You don't need the burden of remorse for your actions to add more weight to his actions.

Yes, cheating is wrong. It just is. I think if he's that abhorrent to you, you need to put more energy into getting your marriage to evolve into an agreed don't-ask-don't-tell situation.

Nothing easy about it but it's your choice to avoid sex with him, as it's his choice to drink. Find some arrangement you can live with.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

This doesn't seem as complicated as it is. Separate. Even if you have to live together and manage money or the business or whatever. Tell him, the marriage is over, we are separated, I am living my own life, and when we can physically divorce. Once he is aware of the circumstances, you can do what you want.


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

Red Sonja said:


> If the business is what's holding you back from divorcing then put you and your H's ownership interest into a trust. All income from your ownership shares including income from a future sale go into the trust. You and H draw monies equally (or whatever split the divorce papers state) from the trust.
> 
> This is what I did in my divorce. In my (single) trust I have ownership shares from 2 corporations and 1 LLC. Consult a trust lawyer.


1. Do this ^^^^^^^

2. Get a new attorney. Yours sucks.


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## sammy8737 (Sep 28, 2016)

manfromlamancha said:


> So that I am clear about your "situation" this is what I understand.
> 
> You married your husband when you both were in your early 20's and had a good life ("you used to love sex all the time" - presumably with him).
> 
> ...


Just so you're clear about the situation, the business was started by both of us with me earning the opportunity. I'm the one that has worked 60-70 hour weeks to make it grow. My husband doesn't know what working Saturday means.

You can't help anybody with alcoholism that doesn't want it. He started drinking when he was 17 years old. I didn't think anything of it as everybody was partying. I've begged him to get help, go to AA, go to rehab, anything. So that's off my shoulders. You can't make him.

I'm the one that raised our child, responsible for all college costs, responsible for all household, responsible for the business. He will literally work 4 hours a day on sales calls, and say ok i'm tired i'm going home. I'm there until 8.

So if I can't divorce, can't separate, can't have a relationship, can't have sex what do you propose?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

It seems to me that there must be a way to divorce but still have the business jointly owned. Of course owning a business with an alcoholic is not necessarily a great plan. 

I think divorce is a better option if it is available. If it is not available, and if you have given him a reasonable set of things he needs to do (like stop being an alcoholic) and he has falied to do them, then go ahead and cheat. 

I honestly don't see a downside. You have no sex life with him anyway so he is losing nothing. I see no one being hurt more than they are already. I do not believe that a decision that improves the lives of some people without harming any others can be immoral. 

If you are religious you may worry about going to hell, but I gave up on worrying about that long ago.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

sammy8737 said:


> So if I can't divorce, can't separate, can't have a relationship, can't have sex what do you propose?


Technically, not one piece of this sentence is true.

Wouldn't it be more accurate to say you don't want to divorce becuase the cost to do so would be too great? I mean you can get a divorce. There's no law that says you can't. You have the right to.

Out of curiosity, what do you envision your extramarital relationship looking like?

Would it just be hookups for sex? 

Would it be with multiple affair partners?

Would you tell your potential partner(s) that you are married?


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

sammy8737 said:


> So if I can't divorce, can't separate, can't have a relationship, can't have sex what do you propose?


You can divorce or separate. You just don't want to because you don't want to lose the money and time you have invested in the business. You feel that since he did not bring much to the business he is not entitled to any portion of it. (You may be quite right)

You question is "Is it ever OK to cheat?" No. If I was doing business with you and found out you were cheating on your husband I would think less of you as a businessperson. Integrity is integrity, marriage or business. If my kids were friends with your child I would think twice about a sleep-over.

Regardless of what your husband did or your current situation you cannot cheat without devaluing yourself as a human being.

Bite the bullet and get a divorce. Think of it as the cost of doing business.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sammy8737,

Please check your PMs (private messages). I just sent you one that you need to read.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

MJJEAN said:


> So, cheat honorably. Tell him that due to his alcoholism and the sexless state of the marriage, your needs have been unmet for far too long and you'll be seeking male companionship outside of the marriage. No argument, no discussion, just inform him and walk away.


Precisely. Leave the decision in his lap. You won't even be cheating insofar as both parties are informed.

Now if he were to end the marriage in this scenario, and that would truly be financially devastating to you, AND you've been honest with us in your assessment of where your marriage stands and who's to blame, then I personally would not fault you for cheating. 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

sammy8737 said:


> Just so you're clear about the situation, the business was started by both of us with me earning the opportunity. I'm the one that has worked 60-70 hour weeks to make it grow. My husband doesn't know what working Saturday means.
> 
> You can't help anybody with alcoholism that doesn't want it. He started drinking when he was 17 years old. I didn't think anything of it as everybody was partying. I've begged him to get help, go to AA, go to rehab, anything. So that's off my shoulders. You can't make him.
> 
> ...


So your husband has been an alcoholic since he was 17. But you thought it was OK back then and married him. I would say that this was a disservice to him to start with. Maybe if you didn't marry him, he might have met somebody else who could have helped him.

All through these early years you had great sex with him up until your 50s when you decided to not have sex with him because he drank - something you were OK with until now. And you did tell him to stop drinking or else no sex. A bit like telling someone that is ill to get well or else.

However all through these years you essentially ran the business, took care of the house and kids, managed to stay fit and pretty (sort of like a super perfect woman) while he …….. did nothing …….. but drink!

Methinks I smell a marital history rewriter and so I'll just bow out - unless I hear his side too!

And you can do all of the things you said you couldn't do before resorting to fvcking some other (presumably younger) men while staying married to him! I think most here would agree on at least that.

Good luck and use protection.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

sammy8737 said:


> So if I can't divorce, can't separate, can't have a relationship, can't have sex what do you propose?


Saying that you CAN'T do these things is ridiculous. You have CHOSEN not to.

You are the exact definition of a remorseless cheater. You've rewritten your marital history to fit what you can live with, rather than do the honorable (and harder) RIGHT thing by divorcing.

I also would love to hear your husbands side of this.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Sammy,

You once loved this man you can again.

What I did with my W was to meet her needs without any expectation of return. This is not a weak decision or a surrender it's choosing decency over mutual refusal to meet each others needs. If someone were sick you would tend to them knowing they couldn't tend to you at that time, how much more so should you do for your H. 

In doing so you are also improving yourself.

I would suggest reading.

"his needs her needs" by Dr Harley and "fall in love stay in love"

Tamat


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## Thinkitthrough01 (Sep 30, 2016)

You're not stupid at all. Think back to what gave you that spark before and put in all the effort you can until the bitter end because that is what you promised to do through thick and thin. You seem like you think you're a strong woman, so prove it. Your husband is at a weak point in his life. You have a choice. You can say "well I respected you when you were strong but now that you're weak, I have no respect" or you can say "the one that I swore my heart and my soul to, the one that showed me so much love is struggling so much with something internally that he has turned to alcohol instead of me and now he is a shadow of himself." Once you make this decision you can then take it upon yourself as your duty to help him become who he once was, the man you fell in love with. You have done nearly everything to seek outside help but I'm not sure what you have done on your own to take on the responsibility, to bear the full burden and weight that you both were carrying before. I say, show him how strong you can be and build him back up into the man you respected and loved. If you lose respect for him because he's at a weak point then you should probably also lose respect for yourself for letting it fail at a time when you should be strong and unwavering. Do you want your own happiness or do you want to be happy together? Finding happiness together should always be a priority even if it means YOU have to find every piece to create it. This to me, is the meaning of marriage.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

There is always always always a way out! Stop making excuses, find that way, and get out of your marriage.


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