# Divorcing after 25 years



## Goshenite (Jul 28, 2021)

I’ve been married 25 years and probably the first ten were amazing but things started to go downhill after that. My husband was always my best friend and my best supporter but through the years has turned into someone who is critical and judgmental to a fault. He always had these characteristics, but they were tempered so it was ok. However, they are full blown now (and have been) and after years and years of trying to make things work, I finally could not do it. I admit I tried to fake it till I could make it but it never happened – mainly because my husband has always held the belief that our marriage issues are due to me and only I can change them. We tried counseling for a short time and it seemed to help but then things went back to the same old same old. The counseling came about because following my father’s death in 2016 I went into a depression and my husband, who believed no one should grieve for more than 3 months, made it unbearable for me. After counseling he realized that not everyone grieves the same and he was wrong to push me, but that is really the crux of the issue. Without a professional telling him he got it wrong, he believes he is ALWAYS right – I am not alone in seeing this quality in him in any way at all. When it comes to a marriage, that sounds the death knell, as it did here. All he says he has ever wanted is for me to love him and to be the center of my universe, but how can I when he has treated me so poorly? When we were talking divorce he actually told me the reason he was nice to my family through the years is because I LOVED HIM…and the reason I was nice to HIS family all these years is because I LOVED HIM….Umm….what about his love for me? It’s all about him being loved and honestly, he lost than and hasn’t earned it back in any way…. He has talked to my children about his issues with me – mainly my daughter who is now 19 but was in junior high when he started. He sees nothing wrong with doing this – he says he has no one else to talk to. I have told him then he needs to find someone or not talk to anyone because bad mouthing your wife to her daughter…well, unacceptable on all counts, I think. When I asked him to please not do that after we decided on a divorce, he told me “You can’t tell me what to do, we are divorcing”. That is how it is – his behavior at first was ridiculous. Although he said he wanted things civil he did not act like it. I did – I do not want to have any regrets about how I behaved. He has since calmed down and is being civil…there is so much more to this story but the bottom line is he lost my love and respect and everything else through the years because of his incessant need to be the one who is always right and his inability to empathize, understand or be there for me (because being upset or sad is a waste of time unless it is HIS problem). Anyway, we have two children, 19 and 22, one is going off to college in a week and the other is taking a semester off from grad school. He may end up with me if we move out before the new year. I honestly cannot believe that my entire world is crashing down on me now, but at the same time I know that I cannot go on like this.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

how about a trial separation? maybe that will get him to realize that he's been an @ss. enough to actually want to change.
sometimes, it takes a drastic action to make someone want to change.

if you are both dead set on divorce, then what kind of advice/comment are you looking for?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You’ve spent a quarter of a century expecting him to change. Don’t waste another minute of your life on him.


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## Parallax857 (May 15, 2012)

Goshenite said:


> I’ve been married 25 years and probably the first ten were amazing but things started to go downhill after that. My husband was always my best friend and my best supporter but through the years has turned into someone who is critical and judgmental to a fault. He always had these characteristics, but they were tempered so it was ok. However, they are full blown now (and have been) and after years and years of trying to make things work, I finally could not do it. I admit I tried to fake it till I could make it but it never happened – mainly because my husband has always held the belief that our marriage issues are due to me and only I can change them. We tried counseling for a short time and it seemed to help but then things went back to the same old same old. The counseling came about because following my father’s death in 2016 I went into a depression and my husband, who believed no one should grieve for more than 3 months, made it unbearable for me. After counseling he realized that not everyone grieves the same and he was wrong to push me, but that is really the crux of the issue. Without a professional telling him he got it wrong, he believes he is ALWAYS right – I am not alone in seeing this quality in him in any way at all. When it comes to a marriage, that sounds the death knell, as it did here. All he says he has ever wanted is for me to love him and to be the center of my universe, but how can I when he has treated me so poorly? When we were talking divorce he actually told me the reason he was nice to my family through the years is because I LOVED HIM…and the reason I was nice to HIS family all these years is because I LOVED HIM….Umm….what about his love for me? It’s all about him being loved and honestly, he lost than and hasn’t earned it back in any way…. He has talked to my children about his issues with me – mainly my daughter who is now 19 but was in junior high when he started. He sees nothing wrong with doing this – he says he has no one else to talk to. I have told him then he needs to find someone or not talk to anyone because bad mouthing your wife to her daughter…well, unacceptable on all counts, I think. When I asked him to please not do that after we decided on a divorce, he told me “You can’t tell me what to do, we are divorcing”. That is how it is – his behavior at first was ridiculous. Although he said he wanted things civil he did not act like it. I did – I do not want to have any regrets about how I behaved. He has since calmed down and is being civil…there is so much more to this story but the bottom line is he lost my love and respect and everything else through the years because of his incessant need to be the one who is always right and his inability to empathize, understand or be there for me (because being upset or sad is a waste of time unless it is HIS problem). Anyway, we have two children, 19 and 22, one is going off to college in a week and the other is taking a semester off from grad school. He may end up with me if we move out before the new year. I honestly cannot believe that my entire world is crashing down on me now, but at the same time I know that I cannot go on like this.


I'm wondering how we can help? Are you wanting people to listen and understand? I'm a twice divorced divorce attorney so I get it. I have a sense that the two of you have been disconnected for a long time and I hear that he blames you. For things to improve, both spouses need to be willing to engage in a process of self exploration. Each needs to find the wounds that are getting triggered and then communicate their feelings and needs, bringing the other spouse into his/her inner emotional world, without blame or shame. Criticism is toxic and only makes things worse.


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## Goshenite (Jul 28, 2021)

jorgegene said:


> how about a trial separation? maybe that will get him to realize that he's been an @ss. enough to actually want to change.
> sometimes, it takes a drastic action to make someone want to change.
> 
> if you are both dead set on divorce, then what kind of advice/comment are you looking for?


A few years ago we separated for a few weeks. The only thing that resulted in was me changing my behavior to make sure the family stayed together. Not because I wanted the marriage to stay together necessarily, but our kids were still living at home and I didn't want to shake things up. He never saw things any differently - it has ALWAYS been a blame game for him where he says I try to push blame but the truth is I have only tried to get him top acknowledge that the success or failure of OUR marriage is OUR fault - there has never been cheating or anything black and white like that. I guess I was coming here just to vent, talk and see what others are going through....


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## Goshenite (Jul 28, 2021)

Parallax857 said:


> I'm wondering how we can help? Are you wanting people to listen and understand? I'm a twice divorced divorce attorney so I get it. I have a sense that the two of you have been disconnected for a long time and I hear that he blames you. For things to improve, both spouses need to be willing to engage in a process of self exploration. Each needs to find the wounds that are getting triggered and then communicate their feelings and needs, bringing the other spouse into his/her inner emotional world, without blame or shame. Criticism is toxic and only makes things worse.


Yes - I think I just need a sounding board. I have spent far too many years feeling "less than" because of him and it is only now that I am seeing his behavior is to blame and I need to learn to trust in myself again.


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## Goshenite (Jul 28, 2021)

Andy1001 said:


> You’ve spent a quarter of a century expecting him to change. Don’t waste another minute of your life on him.


That is the point I have reached right now. While I wish a miracle would happen where he would suddenly become aware of his toxic behavior (and it is NOT just me that sees it - that is part of what I am becoming aware of and realizing it is NOT me...) I know that will not happen and he has done so much harm it would truly take a miracle for me to be able to ever trust or believe in him again. Unfortunately he has become so self absorbed he is unable to even comprehend that someone else's feelings may have truth and validity in them. He just believe a little too much in himself.


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## Parallax857 (May 15, 2012)

Goshenite said:


> That is the point I have reached right now. While I wish a miracle would happen where he would suddenly become aware of his toxic behavior (and it is NOT just me that sees it - that is part of what I am becoming aware of and realizing it is NOT me...) I know that will not happen and he has done so much harm it would truly take a miracle for me to be able to ever trust or believe in him again. Unfortunately he has become so self absorbed he is unable to even comprehend that someone else's feelings may have truth and validity in them. He just believe a little too much in himself.


This could change once you take decisive action like separating. Denial is, as they say, more than a river in Egypt. Once the you-know-what hits the fan it has a way of forcing one to grapple (if one wants to and is capable).


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## Parallax857 (May 15, 2012)

Goshenite said:


> Yes - I think I just need a sounding board. I have spent far too many years feeling "less than" because of him and it is only now that I am seeing his behavior is to blame and I need to learn to trust in myself again.


Glad we can be helpful. I wish you the best. Miracles don't happen often but I've been involved in many hundreds of divorces (probably thousands by now) and one does occasionally see them. And though that's unlikely, a great new life is not. To get there one has to walk through the death of the marriage and all the grieving that entails. But on the other side is a whole new life and all the possibility that goes with it.


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## Goshenite (Jul 28, 2021)

Parallax857 said:


> Glad we can be helpful. I wish you the best. Miracles don't happen often but I've been involved in many hundreds of divorces (probably thousands by now) and one does occasionally see them. And though that's unlikely, a great new life is not. To get there one has to walk through the death of the marriage and all the grieving that entails. But on the other side is a whole new life and all the possibility that goes with it.


Thank you for those kind words! I keep reminding myself that he is not the person he was and not the person I want to be with. I am mourning the death of our dreams and the changes this will bring to our family but I am not mourning the loss of the person he is. I know I will be happier without the constant criticism and judgment. When we agreed to a divorce (he said the word and I immediately said YES which I know he was not expecting b/c in the past I have always molded myself to make it work) I told him I was happy with myself - I'm not perfect, but I'm doing ok. The look on his face said it all. He goes on and on about how all he wants is to be loved and cherished without realizing that you need to give back the same. I am the type of person that had he shown me the love he wants for himself, he would have gotten it back in spades. But he took every opportunity to criticize (he feels if he sees something wrong he HAS to speak up, never mind that this is his OPINION which might actually be wrong) and "correct" because he feels he knows best. And in doing so he literally destroyed my love for him. I still care for him, I always will. But it's hard to love someone who can't show you even the simplest of kindnesses at times.


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## Goshenite (Jul 28, 2021)

Parallax857 said:


> This could change once you take decisive action like separating. Denial is, as they say, more than a river in Egypt. Once the you-know-what hits the fan it has a way of forcing one to grapple (if one wants to and is capable).


Have to be honest here - I suspect this is HIS way of doing things. He has taken some actions very quickly that are odd for him and others that need to be done but he seems to be "rushing" things. This is fine with me because if I could snap my fingers and be out of here I would. BUT I also think he is doing it to show me he is serious - sort of a "f*ck you I'm moving on" kind of thing because in the past I ALWAYS found a way to make things work (usually by accepting blame or changing my behavior to fit his needs). This time I didn't do that at all - I don't think he expected that and it made him VERY pissed. He has calmed down some since but the first behaviors were ridiculous. 
He took off his wedding band right away, which is normal, but has left it sitting on his dresser in plan view with all of his regular stuff for 2 weeks now. I'm not sure if he wanted me to see it there or what - we sleep in separate rooms now. My friends find it odd he hasn't put it away and I do too. That's a TINY weird thing he did. But I do think he is playing some games, which I am not appreciating.


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