# Any Advice?



## Prome74 (May 21, 2018)

Hello,
First I would like to apologize for my grammar, English is not my first language. I need some advice because at this point I’m overwhelm with everything in my life. I have been married for 20 years, I’m in my mid-forties and my wife just turned 40 we have two wonderful kids. I consider we had a very good marriage, we had small arguments here and there as any other couples, but we always talked and fixed any issues. I must say, I’m not a confrontational person and tend to yield towards my wife side. 
Like a year ago I noticed some changes in our relationship. I felt like my wife was disengaged from our marriage. She was more to herself, like constantly thinking or looking at no specific point, also some mood swings. When I asked her she would reply saying that it’s nothing or saying just me seeing things. Then again when I asked more often, she would tell me it was the stress at her work and probably early menopause. I tried to be more understandable and gave her some space. 
Fast forward, six months ago our sexual life started to decrease dramatically. It went from having sex at least 4 times a week to a once every two weeks. When I asked for intimacy or try to engage, she would reply that she was tired and need to wake up early. And the times we had sex during these period it felt like she wasn’t there. She like to kiss and then she wouldn’t kiss, just close her lips or bitten. She would just close her eyes and stay still.
During this period I got this very strong hunch and tried to be alert. While going through things at home I found out that she opened a bank account and never mentioned to me. When I asked her, she got nervous and replayed saying that she told me before about the new account. She only mentioned she went to the bank for other things but not to open a new account. She didn’t say a word for the rest of day or apologized.
At this point I was very suspicious and went over her computer and phone and find out she was taking some mentoring sessions with a male coworker. For almost year and a half she never mentioned she had switch from taking mentoring session with a female coworker to this male coworker. My wife is usually an open person and always tells me about her daily life, friends or coworkers she meet, but she never mentioned the mentoring session with this male co-worker. 
When I confronted her why she was hiding from me this mentoring sessions, she just got upset and told me I was just seeing things. She try to convince me saying she told me about the mentoring before, but in reality she never mentioned a word about mentoring with a male coworker. Then she swore and cried that she never had anything to do with this person. She told me that she only loves me and she would never risk our marriage, our children with this other person that is even 20 years her senior. 
I asked my wife to come with the true and we can work on our problems. I asked her to tell me if she had an affair or an emotional affair but she strongly denied. I told her I was willing to work with a marriage therapist if there was any affairs, but she said there was nothing and will never be. But I can’t get through my head the fact that she hide it from me that she lied at first about the texts and e-mails. And also lied about a phone call from him after work hours.
The e-mails she exchanged with her mentor, does not shown anything conclusive other than just talking about work and his and her family. I strongly believe there were deleted emails and text because of the missing periods of no e-mails or text. The e-mails and text I was able to get shows they used to share a lot of talking about everything, family, future, and their friends. The texts shows they were comfortable with each other while talking.
Any advice any thoughts about? This is taking a lot of me, I feel like a broken person, I feel I don’t trust my wife anymore. I can't sleep well and I lost almost 10 pounds to the date. I schedule to go for therapy myself, because I need to vent or just have somebody to hear me and have an opinion, but out of the sudden I got to travel out of town for the next 3 weeks.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Of what you have found and it not being conclusive, stay vigilant. Ask to see all of your W electronic devices and supply passwords. There is no hiding of passwords in a marriage.

Further, the bank account, it appears your W was preparing for something. In my mind, leaving. For now, keep quiet and observe your W actions. Since you have opened the door to a probable issue with your W and this coworker...it will now go underground.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

As you know, what you have seen is a HUGE, almost undeniable set of red flags.
Change in sexual habits.
Not wanting to kiss you.
acting aloof/distant.
closely working with an opposite sex coworker/after hours communication.

You need to know that you can trust NOTHING your wife says. You have to verify everything.

You have confronted with NO PROOF of an affair. That is a huge mistake. I would try to act like nothing is wrong for quite a while and find the proof I needed. Until you have proof or a confession, you will never be able to relax.

Regardless, something has clearly happened in your marriage. You need to find out what it is, and act accordingly.

She is your wife. You should treat her with respect, but not have blind faith in her fidelity. Sadly, fidelity is not that common. Infidelity is. An emotional affair is just as damaging as a physical one to your relationship. But if she is not having sex with you, she is likely having it with someone else. The way she is acting not wanting to kiss you and just laying there---- is typical of a cheater who is trying to be faithful to their affair partner.

Sorry you are here.

BTW, don't allow your wife to gaslight you and make you crazy and think you are dreaming all this. Gaslighting is a classic tactic.
Hidden bank accounts, male coworkers, no sex all of a sudden, no kissing------ that's almost irrefutable proof of an affair. 

Once she confesses there will be minimizing, trickle truth, and more gaslighting. Don't fall for that crap. She will make you feel like YOU are crazy. You're not.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Prome74 said:


> I told her I was willing to work with a marriage therapist if there was any affairs


There's no doubt your wife is cheating. It's just a matter of whether you want to go ahead and insist that she ends contact now (quitting her job if necessary), or lay low and keep monitoring her (VAR in her car, spyware on her phone) to find that smoking gun. But you'd be well advised to do one or the other.

Another thing. You should never tell a spouse that you're willing to reconcile if they will just confess to the suspected A. You don't even know exactly what you're trying to forgive yet. That shows weakness and all but tells your wife that you are willing to be her plan B. The option of divorce should always remain on the table - for her to think about. Always.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Sorry you are here
Stop yielding to your wife's side on everything.
Now and in the future, she may view this as a sign 
of weakness. She is having an affair, either emotional
or physical. She is already trying to make you think you
are going crazy or imagining things." I told you about that"
when she didn't. From this point forward do not believe
anything she says.

Since she now knows you suspect something they will become 
more cautious. You need to decide if you want to continue
watching her or tell her things need to change or you will 
divorce her. (ends contact with her mentor, explains the bank 
account etc.) If her so called mentor has a wife maybe contact
her. Do not be fooled if things suddenly seem better that just means 
the affair is underground and she wants you to think things are ok.
Trust you gut feeling it is usually right.


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## Prome74 (May 21, 2018)

To all,
thank you for your kind words and advice. 
I talked to my wife, and again she denied everything. she even went as far as to swear for the most sacred thing for her. At this point I feel that something is broken and it will never be the same again. 
I love my wife with all my heart, but I can't stand the feeling she is lying to me and worst, cheating and not even caring the pain she is bringing to me. She didn't apologize or mentioned anything about our problems, just cried and told me she loves me. And while she was saying this, she couldn't even look into my eyes, she looked at the side or down.
What it hurts the most is that I was never a bad husband, or at least I was always tried to be a good husband. I always made time to listened to her, help at home with every household chores, with her professional career. Always took her on dates, or concerts but now I understand why in the last year she didn't want to go on dates anymore. 
According to her she stop all communication with the OM (mentor) but there is no way for me to know since she can always delete the history calls from her phone, emails or texts. I know she is very aware she is under the microscope and I'm hyper vigilant. I haven't seen any communication between them, but I have a strong feeling there still communicating. Maybe they are using office phones which I will never be able to access. 
At this point the only way I see is for her to come clean or divorce. 
Is there is any chance I'm seeing things that are not and sending an innocent to the fire pit?
Again, thank you to all of you for your invaluable advice and kind words.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

To help you settle your mind, you can always get a PI to investigate.
Is this work mentor someone in her management chain? Is he married? You should also find out about him as well (PI can do that for you also).

VAR MAY help -- if you have access to her phone records, see if she is calling him and at what times...
Sorry you are here for this.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

What type of bank account did she open? Checking, savings, credit/debit card? Do you have access to the account? 

What your looking for might be in that account history.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

There are examples cheaters in here who have _sworn on the lives of their own children_ that there was no affair. Only a few weeks later, the betrayed spouse finds that it was all a lie. Cheaters have no reservations about lying. 

You are in a tough spot because you'd like to know the truth and she's going to do everything to hide it. If possible, put a keylogger program on the computer she uses--it will capture everything she types. There are also programs like "Dr. Fone" that allow you to retrieve deleted text messages to some extent. In the US, people often use polygraph examinations to get to the truth. This might not be an option in your country. However, if you make a credible threat that you are going to make her undergo a test, she might give you more truth just to avoid the polygraph.

You can also try some really tricky things to get the truth, but these are risky and could backfire. You could send a spoofed email to her, pretending to be her mentor, saying things like "my wife found out about us--should I tell the truth? have you told your husband anything?". A keylogger would capture her response to him. You could also contact the guy directly and tell him that your wife confessed to the affair and you're looking for him to corroborate her story. 

The good news is that she'll probably now give you all the sex you want, just as a way to throw you off her trail.


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## Ljwin (Nov 21, 2017)

Please excuse my bluntness, but I’ve travelled through hell and I WISH I had listened to the people in this forum.

Absolutely no doubt in my mind she is having an affair dude, sorry to say it but it’s happening. Now, I’m not sure at this point if it’s just emotional or sexual. It sounds like it may have been emotional with perhaps once or twice physical and she has no idea right now what she wants. She may have just been oversharing with this man, in which case he might be the type of guy to take advantage, or he may not, more than likely is though.

She’s gaslighting you with the answers to the new bank account etc. Make you think your crazy, it’s a form of abuse that will make you doubt not just those things, but also your perception of everything else. Don’t rise to it.

Once your playing marriage police, it’s over! I did it for years, what a waste of a life!

My advice, do not dig directly with her any further. Try to pretend you know nothing. She will take it underground now and then you’ll struggle to prove anything. Bug her car and even your home when you’re away, that’s how I found out my wife of 17 years and my childhood sweetheart had already planned to screw me over big time.

Why prove it, because if you continue to argue over this she will use it to say your marriage is broken, in fact she’ll have you do most of the work, then when you’re separated this guy will pop up and you’ll never know the truth.

I wish you luck my friend, I hope she loves you, I hope it’s a bump in the road I truly do. I would not wish my suffering on anyone, friend or foe. Good luck and stay strong!


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

I’m sorry, but I too believe that she is cheating on you. The fact that she was in tears and couldn’t look at you convinced me completely. 

I think you have to take a drastic step if you are to have any chance of saving your marriage. As the saying goes, you need to risk your marriage to save your marriage 

I think you need to file for divorce and have her served at work, so the other guy will see it as well. Remember, you can stop the process at any time.

On the same day she is served, you need to contact the guy’s wife and just tell her that you have filed for divorce because you believe she is sleeping with her husband.


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