# Would love to hear examples - please reply



## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

I'm pretty sure that my marriage is over. If you've followed me for the little while I've been here, you know that I got the whole song and dance about "love you but not in love with you"; "need time and space", etc., only to find out (without much detail or admission from H) that there was someone else all along. He moved out under the auspice of a "trial separation" before I found out. Continued to say he wasn't ready for anything permanent just yet, but then when I found out what was really happening, sort of resigned to the fact that we can't stay married anymore. So, again, I'm pretty sure that my situation is over. 

What nags at me though is why he hasn't hit that wall of regret yet, why hasn't he snapped out of the "fog" and why he hasn't crawled back yet?? I don't know that I would ever take him back, but those of you in this situation know the feeling - why wasn't I good enough to even try??? Obviously, no one has a crystal ball and all situations are different. However, I've heard that a lot of times the disloyals try to come back after months, even years. I'd love to hear specific examples of how some of these stories unfolded, i.e, how much time passed, what the DS said, how the BS felt, and what really happened in terms of the ultimate outcome. I'm getting through the grief and the process - slowly but surely - but these things nag at me and I think the support of the friends here would be really helpful.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I don't think you need to hear other people's stories. I am sure some had positive outcomes with their spouse coming back. Some had positive outcomes with their spouse never coming back. And some had negative outcomes either way. 

You need to work on yourself. Be as independent as possible. You become the best you can be and never contact him.

This will do two things: 
1) Prepare you for a new life 
2) Make him (and other men) want you.

Both good things for a better future for you.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

blownaway said:


> why wasn't I good enough to even try???


Start with getting that out of your head immediately.

It has nothing to do with you not being good enough. Your H is under a "spell". He doesn't "see" you. You have been replaced by a fictictious character he has cast into a role in the reality the spell is playing out... Re-cast yourself or walk off the stage. Do not play along, do not read the script he is giving you.


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

The two responses you've received say it all!
You wanting him to cawl back to you is your ego talking. Let the adult in you comfort the little girl inside and assure her that you'll be ok w/out him. Don't expect him to come back. He's painted a ficticious image of you in his mind. He needed this in order to step out and remain out. You are the "b*tch wife that didn't meet his needs, that wasn't there for him, that didn't have sex with him every day, that didn't show him affection..... Whatever it was, he made it 10 times worse in his head. 
Been there! I thought our marriage was 7 or 8 on a scale of 1 to 10. My wife would have said much lower. Who would have known!

My mother's theory will hold true for you. The one "left behind" always comes out on top! A bright future with a new man will come your way soon enough.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Your husband doesn't crawl back probably because he doesn't feel loved by you, but loved by the OW.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

Your husband won't come back to you because he is living in his fantasy. the OW is amazing in his mind and you're not, by the time he realizes the truth it will be too late.

You don't need him to be happy, you're afraid of being without that special someone on your life. Guess what, he isn't that special.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

blowaway,

Is it possible your husband is scared that you will never forgive him & he feels that you're not sure what you're gonna do with him after all this hurt & craps he gave you, so that he's hesitated to crawl back to you?

He's totally in a dark fog and not very sure what he's doing & not sure where is the right direction to go. 

I feel a need for you to communicate with him, guiding him a direction from this fog...

Are you the leader in the family? Maybe you want to talk to him, heart to heart, you know, put aside all the hurt & resentment, only talk to him as if you're still the best friends in the past.

Inviting him to go for a drink in a decent bar & have a good chat like best friends... (only you & him)


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

MS Lonely:

I've thought of that too. I am definitely the leader of the family. My major hesitation with that though is that he will reject me ... again. When he was in the process of making his decision of whether to move or not, I put myself out there a lot. I told him how much I loved him, how much I wanted him to be a part of us. I even begged him not to go. His heart never softened, even a little bit. He looked me in the face and said that his feelings for me died and that he had nothing left. While he was gone (before I knew about the affair), I told him that I missed him. After I found out about the affair, I wrote to him and told him that I loved him, but that I couldn't talk to him anymore with this going on. I did tell him though that if he ever wanted to talk to me and if he ever felt that this was no the direction where he wanted his life to go, I would be there to listen. His response: "I feel this all happened for a reason". So, I understand what you are saying in that he may be afraid to approach me, but I don't know how I would ever do it again knowing that there is a great chance he will reject me. I haven't come far, but I'm not breaking down in tears several times a day anymore. I don't know if I could ever put myself back there.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

blownaway,

Those feelings are very normal. It is very hard to recover from being the "dumped" spouse. I know I have been in therapy for a long time dealing with that issue. Even now, I still have some days where I feel like a discarded person. Time is supposed to heal all wounds, so we will have to wait on time, won't we? 

Try to move on and fill your life with people who do love you. Your husband made his decision. But, from what I've read it takes approximately 18 months for a person to get out of that "fog". When my estranged husband moved out, everyone told me he would be back. It has now been almost three years. He definitely has no inclination to come back because he has a steady stream of young women who keep his ego pumped up. Furthermore, I don't want a sorry scum bag like him in my life. It's not happening. My brothers' were right. They said I deserved someone who would love me. They are right. And you deserve someone better than what you had too.

It's just my opinion, but don't waste your time trying to woo him back.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

blownaway said:


> MS Lonely:
> 
> I've thought of that too. I am definitely the leader of the family. My major hesitation with that though is that he will reject me ... again. When he was in the process of making his decision of whether to move or not, I put myself out there a lot. I told him how much I loved him, how much I wanted him to be a part of us. I even begged him not to go. His heart never softened, even a little bit. He looked me in the face and said that his feelings for me died and that he had nothing left. While he was gone (before I knew about the affair), I told him that I missed him. After I found out about the affair, I wrote to him and told him that I loved him, but that I couldn't talk to him anymore with this going on. I did tell him though that if he ever wanted to talk to me and if he ever felt that this was no the direction where he wanted his life to go, I would be there to listen. His response: "I feel this all happened for a reason". So, I understand what you are saying in that he may be afraid to approach me, but I don't know how I would ever do it again knowing that there is a great chance he will reject me. I haven't come far, but I'm not breaking down in tears several times a day anymore. I don't know if I could ever put myself back there.


I was the family leader and this didn't work at all. It just lead to more rejection and pain. As long as your husband is "in love" with the OW, you will be rejected.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

blownaway said:


> MS Lonely:
> 
> I've thought of that too. I am definitely the leader of the family. My major hesitation with that though is that he will reject me ... again. When he was in the process of making his decision of whether to move or not, I put myself out there a lot. I told him how much I loved him, how much I wanted him to be a part of us. I even begged him not to go. His heart never softened, even a little bit. He looked me in the face and said that his feelings for me died and that he had nothing left. While he was gone (before I knew about the affair), I told him that I missed him. After I found out about the affair, I wrote to him and told him that I loved him, but that I couldn't talk to him anymore with this going on. I did tell him though that if he ever wanted to talk to me and if he ever felt that this was no the direction where he wanted his life to go, I would be there to listen. His response: "I feel this all happened for a reason". So, I understand what you are saying in that he may be afraid to approach me, but I don't know how I would ever do it again knowing that there is a great chance he will reject me. I haven't come far, but I'm not breaking down in tears several times a day anymore. I don't know if I could ever put myself back there.


I feel very sorry for what you have been through.

He said "I feel this all happened for a reason."

What is the reason?

He didn't say that, "I don't love you anymore."

He said: His feelings for you died and that he had nothing left.

Those things he said didn't make any sense.

How about the friendship you & him have for many years being together, how about the home you two established together, at least, he still has kids....

My confusion is, you should know your husband very well, and what kind of words he tended to use when talking to you in the past...

Do you think those words were really from him? Especially the second one that talking about "Feelings," that's weird because usually, men don't use obscure wording.

It sounded to me a word that women loves to use, and a break-up statement you can always hear from a woman, instead of a man.

Do you think it's possible they're the words from OW? who has been brain-washing him to speak to you like that?

How much do you know the OW?


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

I'm in the same situation as blownaway, I've tried the whole I'm your best friend, is this what you want etc. I may of well been talking to the wall. There is nothing anyone can do, the person has to realise this themselves.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

I did know that most OW are very good at brain washing the cheating husband. 

She even peeked at his phone when he's asleep, secretively replied & deleted sms, to & from the wife.

This is something you might not notice what she might have been doing behind...


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

MsLonely said:


> I did know that most OW are very good at brain washing the cheating husband.
> 
> She even peeked at his phone when he's asleep, secretively replied & deleted sms, to & from the wife.
> 
> This is something you might not notice.


Ya think? Of course, that goes on. There is absolutely nothing the betrayed wife can do about that. As long as the wayward husband is in the "fog", the OW can do what she pleases with no consequences. Let's put blame where blame belongs--on the sorry cheating husband. No one put a gun to his head and forced him to take up with the OW.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hi there, 
I'm so sorry you are living through what you are living through, it takes a long time to regain yourself.....
I can see you trying to make sense of someone else's decision and that is an impossible place to be..........we can't do that, only the person making the decisions knows the why's.
Look you weren't to blame that your husband decided to have an affair, that was him alone.........
Marriages and the problems that exist are both spouses responsibility.
You cannot control him just you and your life. I say move on with a open heart, have you ever seen the movie with Jim Carey where he decides to say "Yes" to everything and just see where life led him, I think this is a fantastic idea, I bet somethings and some of the new people you might meet would be great.
Keep yourself busy......make the best life for you...............that's all we really have control over.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

I think what blownaway needs is a fair respect. If he wants to break up with her, at least he should give her basic respect, afterall, she's still the mother of his kids. 
However, because of the OW who takes control of the husband, I guess, he's not even allowed or suggested to give a basic respect to his wife.
A good man can't suddenly become so evil & blind,simply it's not logical & yes, there must be a reason for what happened to this man. 
He's brained washed by the OW.
Now this OW directs what he should think and what he should do...
There must be something behind. It's just not that simple that she's able to satisfy his sexual needs and strokes his ego then she can take control of him. Sex can't be always hot and sex isn't strong enough to make a normal man become a completedly dumb idiot. It's more than just sex. Something bigger is hiding.
What I think is there's a lie, a belief probably with some benefits which the OW made up to attract him and control him.
Not very sure what it is.
So I wish blownaway can give some information about the background of the OW.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

I don't know much about her, except that she is his secretary. What I do know is that she is about 30 years old with two kids of her own. Divorced for a few years. She claimed that her ex-H was abusive, but research reveals to the contrary. So, she may be playing out that whole "victim" thing. Also, she seems to like to drink, which is something that my H loves to do. He held off a lot once we had kids, but ever since this all started, he's been drinking like a fish. There were a few times he drove home and I have no idea how he did it. It upset me to no end that he was out there putting other people in danger, as well as himself. She also seems to have the same taste in music, which is something my H loves. My feeling is that is in the midst of a major midlife crisis. He's been depressed for a while now over some issues in his own family (mother died; falling out with father); he's been dissatisfied with his job for a while. He's sort of a mess. This woman seems to represent how he used to be and what life was like before he grew into his 40s and became a responsible adult. Because of her kids, she's not available all the time so I think he likes that. He does not live with her. He took almost nothing from our house and set up a one-bedroom apartment for himself. He's living this very sad bachelor life. He's not pushing for any legal action to end our own marriage and I believe him when he says he never wants to get married again. There's no way he would take on the responsibility of another wife (who makes WAY less money than I do) with two kids of her own on top of the responsibilities he has with his own two small children. When I see him, he does not look like that happy-go-lucky guy who just jumped over into nirvana. He looks lost to me. But, he's not sick enough or lost enough NOT to have decided to leave his family and to treat me in such a cruel way. That's about all the insight I can give.


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## why do I still love him (Dec 3, 2010)

blownaway, wow, i really connect to your story. I am currently seperated from my husband...he up and left to go move in with the OW....we have a 4 year old son....OW brings out the worst in him, and now I feel like I am looking at a stranger. OW also works with him... H's mother past away 2 years ago, and he also has since had a falling out with his father and basically the rest of his family for that matter....they are very close with me still, as well as our son. Its really sad how alcohol can also add to the drama. Everyone keeps telling me as well to file for divorce/custody, but honestly, I am just not there yet. My only advice I can give at this point is that 1. your stronger than you realize, so hold onto that as best you can...every day and night remind yourself of that...and if your spiritual like I am, ask God to continue to give you strength and guidance. 2. dont rush...dont let anyone tell you what you HAVE to do or even SHOULD do. You'll know when it feels right or wrong...it doesnt do anything but add to anxiety if you try and fall into someone elses timeline. 3. try and work on finding yourself again. I feel like through all of this, I have lost myself...and am trying to put the peices back together, not in hopes of reunification, not just for my son, but for myself...havent dont anything for ME in a looooooong long time. As for reunification as I previously mentioned, somehow I have come to a place where I know that if he does come back (as everyone seems to think he eventually will when this blows up in his face) I can never go back to what we were...all I would have to offer at this point is rehab and therapy. Anyway, hope my post has helped. I am always available to chat. I have seen your posts on here before, feel free to read mine...its always nice to find people who know the pain all to well as a shoulder to lean on....have a blessed evening.


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

why do I still love him said:


> blownaway, wow, i really connect to your story. I am currently seperated from my husband...he up and left to go move in with the OW....we have a 4 year old son....OW brings out the worst in him, and now I feel like I am looking at a stranger. OW also works with him... H's mother past away 2 years ago, and he also has since had a falling out with his father and basically the rest of his family for that matter....they are very close with me still, as well as our son. Its really sad how alcohol can also add to the drama. Everyone keeps telling me as well to file for divorce/custody, but honestly, I am just not there yet. My only advice I can give at this point is that 1. your stronger than you realize, so hold onto that as best you can...every day and night remind yourself of that...and if your spiritual like I am, ask God to continue to give you strength and guidance. 2. dont rush...dont let anyone tell you what you HAVE to do or even SHOULD do. You'll know when it feels right or wrong...it doesnt do anything but add to anxiety if you try and fall into someone elses timeline. 3. try and work on finding yourself again. I feel like through all of this, I have lost myself...and am trying to put the peices back together, not in hopes of reunification, not just for my son, but for myself...havent dont anything for ME in a looooooong long time. As for reunification as I previously mentioned, somehow I have come to a place where I know that if he does come back (as everyone seems to think he eventually will when this blows up in his face) I can never go back to what we were...all I would have to offer at this point is rehab and therapy. Anyway, hope my post has helped. I am always available to chat. I have seen your posts on here before, feel free to read mine...its always nice to find people who know the pain all to well as a shoulder to lean on....have a blessed evening.


Thank you so much for that. It is like looking at a stranger. I wish I could ignore that part of me that wants to look for the person that I married. It's hard because i know that, somewhere in the "fog" and the alcohol, this is just not him. I don't have any idea what will happen in the future, but you are right. I have to just keep moving. I also don't know what I would do if he ever came back. That's the saddest part. If the old H came waltzing back, it would never be the same. I don't think I've even really wrapped my head around the affair yet. I think I'm just starting to see the gravity of it. For a long time, he just had me thinking that he wanted to leave because he loved me, but wasn't in love anymore. I was sad beyond belief. Now, I'm extremely angry too. I'm in IC and will also pray for the strength that I need to get through this time. Thank you for the support!!!!


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

I can see that you're getting stronger to move on and plan for your future. 

One day your husband might want to crawl back to you, you know, when sex with the OW getting lame, but you don't have to look back on him.

He's being too mean & blind. Losing you it's his loss. He might not know now but he's sure to regret in the future.

All the best to your children & to you!


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

He is definitely blind. He's very good at just ignoring things until they explode. I thought today that he ignored his "unhappiness" with the marriage for a while and chose to ignore it rather than discuss it with his partner. That blew up in everyone's face since, along came the OW. He ignored that too and never fessed up to what was really going on. He doesn't seem to be the happy go lucky guy that one would expect in this situation. So, my thought is that he will just ignore the pain and hurt and destruction that he caused his family and one day ... BOOM! It'll hit him. I cannot live my life worrying about when he will wake up and realize what he did. At this point, he's checked out so my focus must be me and my children only. I try my hardest to be a good person and a good mother. It has helped me tremendously not to be in contact with him and not to talk to him much. I'm not mean or nasty, but I'm also not going to engage. It only hurts me and self-protection right now is a priority. This is a huge challenge, but none of us really have a choice but to go through it. I'm doing the best I can right now and am just praying for strength and hoping it gets better.


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