# I Would Feel Loved If...



## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

I have read about this exercise (I think in Love Language book) and was thinking today it would be nice to do with my H. Has anyone done it, if so how did it go?

What you do is each write on a card what would make you feel loved by the other person. Just one thing.

Then you spend a week doing that thing that would help them feel loved.


For conversation sake, my thing would be spending 15 minutes a day with me in conversation.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

For conversation, mine would be... tell me one really goofy, odd, or unique detail or behavior of mine that you really like because it is ALL me  (Would LOVE that and always do love it!)


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Speaking the other person love language is HUGE!!! It has had a profound affect on my marriage. Its irrational how important it is to me or my wife. Realizing this has been very important for us.


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## MardiGrasMambo (Mar 5, 2011)

anx said:


> Speaking the other person love language is HUGE!!! It has had a profound affect on my marriage. Its irrational how important it is to me or my wife. Realizing this has been very important for us.


Trying to get my wife to read the book. She's mainly into fiction, though. I was shocked to learn my primary love language. And I just devised a way to find out hers. *sneaky laugh*


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

MardiGrasMambo said:


> Trying to get my wife to read the book. She's mainly into fiction, though. I was shocked to learn my primary love language. And I just devised a way to find out hers. *sneaky laugh*


Awesome. I wonder if they have the book on CD for people who aren't into reading. Take a drive, pop it in...


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## Anooniemouse (May 5, 2010)

For me it would be spending time in affection every day, and preferably affection that isn't just trying to get me into bed for sex.

If it could be two things: Telling me often where I am in her heart, and her plans. We hit about 9 months of truly rough patch, and it still means the world to me to hear those simple words "I am yours" because during that period it was the one thing I never felt fully sure of. 

For her, I already know, its being a fully open book to her, not holding back, and taking the time to share it in conversation with her without hesitation.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

MardiGrasMambo said:


> And I just devised a way to find out hers. *sneaky laugh*


do tell...


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## MardiGrasMambo (Mar 5, 2011)

Lol, I waited until she had just finished watching one of her favorite shows and I just asked her the questions. I removed all the work for her, all she had to do was think and answer. Catching her after she'd been laughing for 30 minutes didn't hurt either.

My guess for her was completely off. I thought she'd be Acts of Service, but that came in fourth!


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

I think it will prove important to us (when we get together long enough to spend some time going through our results) 
....
but I think we all need to be clear which way round it works - if your H's primary love language is Acts of service, does he prefer showing love by doing acts of service (whether or not you prefer receiving them) or does he prefer feeling loved by receiving acts of service (whether or not you prefer giving them)??!


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

madimoff said:


> I think it will prove important to us (when we get together long enough to spend some time going through our results)
> ....
> but I think we all need to be clear which way round it works - if your H's primary love language is Acts of service, does he prefer showing love by doing acts of service (whether or not you prefer receiving them) or does he prefer feeling loved by receiving acts of service (whether or not you prefer giving them)??!


Had a discussion with the SO on this and we decided that we have different love languages and as a result, we both need to take the time to give in each other's language, while also allowing to give in our own (and now we know what the other means by certain things) he is more OK with teh verbal, while that is SOO not mine, but now I know when he says it means something more, but I still need feel him in my language from time to time. SO now want to give and take on that to make sure the other knows how we feel (which was a HUGE problem in past attemtps)


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

woodstock said:


> Had a discussion with the SO on this and we decided that we have different love languages and as a result, we both need to take the time to give in each other's language, while also allowing to give in our own (and now we know what the other means by certain things) he is more OK with teh verbal, while that is SOO not mine, but now I know when he says it means something more, but I still need feel him in my language from time to time. SO now want to give and take on that to make sure the other knows how we feel (which was a HUGE problem in past attemtps)


It's interesting (such a boring word but I MEAN interesting!) but all takes so much time to thrash out - going to have to start a thread asking (not for the first time) how long everyone on TAM spends actually TOGETHER with their OH on their own with no family-work-garden-boring type commitments to occupy their minds ie what date/relationship/'us' time they commit before there is any likely improvement:scratchhead:


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

madimoff said:


> It's interesting (such a boring word but I MEAN interesting!) but all takes so much time to thrash out - going to have to start a thread asking (not for the first time) how long everyone on TAM spends actually TOGETHER with their OH on their own with no family-work-garden-boring type commitments to occupy their minds ie what date/relationship/'us' time they commit before there is any likely improvement:scratchhead:


We hashed out the love language along with a couple of other things over a 2 hour date at a coffee house and a walk through town. Sure it needs to be touched on again, but the bulk of it is there and we just need to fill each other in on the details of our respective languages.

It is not the time it takes, it is just the idea of deciding to discuss these things while holding our tongues and not going into any past blames games or resentments and allowing it to start from here on. I did tell him that I was not understanding him in the past and really didn't know how he felt because I had no idea that he was even trying to show it, and he had no idea I REALLY was not getting it. It was a revelation HAHA

Just go out to coffee.... the public setting helps because there is more incentive to keep it civil HAHA


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I'm a Physical Toucher, I feel the MOST loved when my husband has "desire" for me & expresses this. Affection is wonderful, he gives this freely & abundantly. But what I REALLY want is his DESIRE. Nothing excites me more than feeling he "needs" & "wants" me in this way. 

I guess I am like a man!


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

woodstock said:


> We hashed out the love language along with a couple of other things over a 2 hour date at a coffee house and a walk through town. Sure it needs to be touched on again, but the bulk of it is there and we just need to fill each other in on the details of our respective languages.
> 
> It is not the time it takes, it is just the idea of deciding to discuss these things while holding our tongues and not going into any past blames games or resentments and allowing it to start from here on. I did tell him that I was not understanding him in the past and really didn't know how he felt because I had no idea that he was even trying to show it, and he had no idea I REALLY was not getting it. It was a revelation HAHA
> 
> Just go out to coffee.... the public setting helps because there is more incentive to keep it civil HAHA


Yip, we do the coffee thing - it's part of the culture in these 'ere parts - I think at the moment he's probably more 'up for' discussing this kind of stuff but previously he'd have railed at 'emotional' 'chats' because he gets so upset so easily
soooo..... we'll have to make one about love languages, the next couple days 'stress free', the next one love busters, etc!
(never overlooking that all the while we both know he'll be gone in 5,7,10, whatever days)


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

madimoff said:


> Yip, we do the coffee thing - it's part of the culture in these 'ere parts - I think at the moment he's probably more 'up for' discussing this kind of stuff but previously he'd have railed at 'emotional' 'chats' because he gets so upset so easily
> soooo..... we'll have to make one about love languages, the next couple days 'stress free', the next one love busters, etc!
> (never overlooking that all the while we both know he'll be gone in 5,7,10, whatever days)


Totally the same for me... this actually wanting to fix what went wrong and look at what to do different is TOTALLY new from him! I have to say his sudden interest in fixing things, and now actually trying to be attentive and to understand me is a MAD CRAZY turn on HAHA


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

I'm the same as SA, I would like to feel desired. She thinks I should feel loved because of all that she does for me (and I do) but she is Acts of Service and I am Physical so the complete lack of desire wipes most everything out.  I would rather there be no clean laundry, dirty dishes a mile high, and a grubby house as long as she could pretend to want to make love to me.. 

Not to hijack the thread, but as I mentioned she is an Acts of Service language. For those of you that are the same, what exactly does that mean??


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

frustr8dhubby said:


> I'm the same as SA, I would like to feel desired. She thinks I should feel loved because of all that she does for me (and I do) but she is Acts of Service and I am Physical so the complete lack of desire wipes most everything out.  I would rather there be no clean laundry, dirty dishes a mile high, and a grubby house as long as she could pretend to want to make love to me..
> 
> Not to hijack the thread, but as I mentioned she is an Acts of Service language. For those of you that are the same, what exactly does that mean??


Read the Five Love Languages book or get the CDs. There are different "dialects" within each love language.

Example: Physical touch can be the dialect of sexual intercourse or the dialect of hand holding, or the dialect of physical presence.

Example: Receiving Gifts - most think this means monetary gifts, but that is not true. There are also dialects within this love language that are different also.

Each love language has dialects within it that a person may favor more than others.

Your Physical Touch could mean just sexual intercourse or hugs, hand holding, kissing.

Need to read up on it and discover what her 'dialect' is within Acts of Service so you can meet the correct one.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

frustr8dhubby said:


> I'm the same as SA, I would like to feel desired. She thinks I should feel loved because of all that she does for me (and I do) but she is Acts of Service and I am Physical so the complete lack of desire wipes most everything out.  I would rather there be no clean laundry, dirty dishes a mile high, and a grubby house as long as she could pretend to want to make love to me..
> 
> Not to hijack the thread, but as I mentioned she is an Acts of Service language. For those of you that are the same, what exactly does that mean??


Here is my best example ... from my thread... post # 44..

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-languages-how-does-affect-your-marraige.html



> I am reviving my own thread....just to relay a story about an older couple I personally know..., I've sat & ate lunch with them a # of times, been in & out of their house, witnessed their marriage in action, I do a job for them so I have gotten to know them over the past year very nicely .... ...that just illustrates how easily these love languages flow within a marriage ... when they are in sinc with each other...
> 
> Now, she is an excellent Cook , I enjoy getting recipes from her, so I asked her one day "How often does your husband compliment your cooking? ".... she says immediately "Never", she wasn't upset or anything....then goes on to tell me something I would have a hard time believing...
> 
> ...


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

"I would like to feel desired. She thinks I should feel loved because of all that she does for me (and I do) but she is Acts of Service and I am Physical so the complete lack of desire wipes most everything out. I would rather there be no clean laundry, dirty dishes a mile high, and a grubby house as long as she could pretend to want to make love to me" - Frust8ed

Me too man. Me too!


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Toffer said:


> "I would like to feel desired. She thinks I should feel loved because of all that she does for me (and I do) but she is Acts of Service and I am Physical so the complete lack of desire wipes most everything out. I would rather there be no clean laundry, dirty dishes a mile high, and a grubby house as long as she could pretend to want to make love to me" - Frust8ed
> 
> Me too man. Me too!


 Me three... but I dont want her to pretend..I want it for real


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

So important in a marriage--love your spouse in a way that he/she can appreciate. We assume that our love languages are the same, but if you are giving words of affirmation to an acts of service person, you are sowing the seeds for misunderstanding and disconnect.


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## occasionallybaffled (Apr 12, 2012)

lovesherman said:


> So important in a marriage--love your spouse in a way that he/she can appreciate. We assume that our love languages are the same, but if you are giving words of affirmation to an acts of service person, you are sowing the seeds for misunderstanding and disconnect.


I tend to assume a lot and have to remind myself of the saying, "When you assume, you make an *ass* out of *you* and *me*." [ass+u+me]


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## occasionallybaffled (Apr 12, 2012)

OP mentioned book, but didn't specify which one. Is this one specifically for women? [I'm a male]

BARNES & NOBLE | The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts by Gary Chapman, Moody Publishers | NOOK Book (eBook), Paperback, Hardcover, Audiobook

There is a men's addition, not sure which one to pick up. Thanks. Didn't mean to hijack, just hoping to catch the attention of someone who has read 1 or even both. [Can PM me]


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Yep, that's it. I haven't read the men's edition. I would read the reviews to see which one would be best for you. Essential relationship reading--eye opening stuff!


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## occasionallybaffled (Apr 12, 2012)

lovesherman said:


> Yep, that's it. I haven't read the men's edition. I would read the reviews to see which one would be best for you. Essential relationship reading--eye opening stuff!


Thanks, I'll take a peek at the reviews. Going to pick one of them up tomorrow.


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