# What to expect when we tell our kids?



## little_babushka (Jan 18, 2018)

I have a long story to post later, but just wondering if anyone will share what happened when you told your kids about your separation/divorce.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Our kids were CLUELESS. They had a storybook life and we shattered it with that conversation. 

If your kids are aware there have been problems for a long time hopefully you will have a tad less of the “came out of nowhere” reaction.

From what I have seen, kids just want their parents together...even if they are unhappier that way. They have to be pretty mature to view it as a good thing, or the circumstances have to be really horrible for most kids to find a divorce to be their first choice.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

My two older children were very angry - still are. And my younger two were very confused.


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## little_babushka (Jan 18, 2018)

Thanks. They are clueless, but my husband has a temper and we have had bad fights over the years. He just told me Friday it’s over and he’s done. I was shocked, but knew something was up because of how distant he became the past month. I don't want to divorce, but I think separating is a good idea so we can take a break and work on ourselves. We still need to have a conversation about what to say, but I think it should be short and to the point without saying stuff like “we want to be one better parents” because I’m afraid they’ll feel somehow responsible. Even though he insists we will still be a family and he wants to be more involved with them than ever, we are basically doing nesting by default because he can only afford to get a room indefinitely. I’m praying that that might help us to reconcile and that it will be good for the kids to see us FINALLY communicating in a healthy way.


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## little_babushka (Jan 18, 2018)

Also, aside from the questions I am expecting, how do you handle it when they beg you to stay together? Do you go right to “we’re getting a divorce” or just say “we’re going to try living apart”?


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

fwiw - separation is normally just a prelude to D. You won't read many threads on here, where we separated and then got back together.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

There's a book called talking to children about divorce that I bought and read before I had that conversation. I made sure that I was not going to change my mind when I told them because kids like their life to have certainty and it isn't fair to put them through ongoing relationship issues while the adults decide what to do. My kids cried and were very sad, as expected. I also told them that when their mom moved out that they'd need new toys so they had things at both places and that I was going to give them each a couple hundred dollars to go shopping. So I bribed them, and it worked because with the bad news they now had something to look forward to.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

little_babushka said:


> Also, aside from the questions I am expecting, how do you handle it when they beg you to stay together? Do you go right to “we’re getting a divorce” or just say “we’re going to try living apart”?


I would yank off the whole bandaid right from the beginning. If you give them hope, they will cling to that.


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## little_babushka (Jan 18, 2018)

Spicy said:


> little_babushka said:
> 
> 
> > Also, aside from the questions I am expecting, how do you handle it when they beg you to stay together? Do you go right to “we’re getting a divorce” or just say “we’re going to try living apart”?
> ...


I get that. But I’m a child of divorce and you never stop hoping and wishing your parents get back together. Even after there’s someone else in the picture. I’m not ready to give up on my marriage and I am pretty sure that deep down, he isn’t, either.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

little_babushka said:


> I get that. But I’m a child of divorce and you never stop hoping and wishing your parents get back together. Even after there’s someone else in the picture. I’m not ready to give up on my marriage and I am pretty sure that deep down, he isn’t, either.


If you guys are unsure of your status, I don’t know what you can tell your kids. 

How old are they?


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## little_babushka (Jan 18, 2018)

Spicy said:


> little_babushka said:
> 
> 
> > I get that. But I’m a child of divorce and you never stop hoping and wishing your parents get back together. Even after there’s someone else in the picture. I’m not ready to give up on my marriage and I am pretty sure that deep down, he isn’t, either.
> ...


Son - 8, daughter - 12, daughter - 14


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

My children were clueless and it were laughing and Joking moments before we told them as we called a family meeting.

We simply told them that Mommy and Daddy were not going to be married anymore and were going to live in different houses and we were all sad but it was happening and we both loved them and they would see us both all the time still.

My Daughter 5 at the time kept trying to put our hands together and make us hug each other and cried a lot and my son 8 was mostly silent and acted like he was not too concerned and they both forgot about it in 5 minutes. 3 weeks later when she moved out it was a different story my Daughter was mostly fine but missed the parent she was not with so called often but got over it very quickly and my Son 8, 7 months on still has behavior issues, depression, cries a lot etc.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

MovingForward said:


> My children were clueless and it were laughing and Joking moments before we told them as we called a family meeting.
> 
> We simply told them that Mommy and Daddy were not going to be married anymore and were going to live in different houses and we were all sad but it was happening and we both loved them and they would see us both all the time still.
> 
> *My Daughter 5 at the time kept trying to put our hands together and make us hug each other* and cried a lot and my son 8 was mostly silent and acted like he was not too concerned and they both forgot about it in 5 minutes. 3 weeks later when she moved out it was a different story my Daughter was mostly fine but missed the parent she was not with so called often but got over it very quickly and my Son 8, 7 months on still has behavior issues, depression, cries a lot etc.


I could see my daughter doing that when we break the news in the near future. :crying:

I'm still struggling with how to tell them. I know I have to be bigger than what happened but I didn't want this and didn't choose it so there's the part that needs to shield them from the ultimate truth but also the part that wants them to know somehow I didn't want this.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

stillfightingforus said:


> I could see my daughter doing that when we break the news in the near future. :crying:
> 
> I'm still struggling with how to tell them. I know I have to be bigger than what happened but I didn't want this and didn't choose it so there's the part that needs to shield them from the ultimate truth but also the part that wants them to know somehow I didn't want this.


It was not a choice made by me either but a situation i was forced into. it is very upsetting at the time but I hear kids bounce back fast, it is the ongoing conflicts that affect them more, i have never let me feelings known to the children and always shows excitement when they tell me about fun they had with their mother and her boyfriend who was the AP.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Spicy said:


> Our kids were CLUELESS. They had a storybook life and we shattered it with that conversation.
> 
> If your kids are aware there have been problems for a long time hopefully you will have a tad less of the “came out of nowhere” reaction.
> 
> From what I have seen, kids just want their parents together...even if they are unhappier that way. They have to be pretty mature to view it as a good thing, or the circumstances have to be really horrible for most kids to find a divorce to be their first choice.


I can not agree more. I found out the day my Dad left. Part of the pain was the shock. I remember my sister saying "Is this a dream." I also felt like I would never see him again, it felt like a death that day. Come to find out they had been talking about it for months. They both failed me as they should have let us know it was coming. In many ways that shock was worse then the aftermath of the divorce.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

little_babushka said:


> I get that. But I’m a child of divorce and you never stop hoping and wishing your parents get back together. Even after there’s someone else in the picture. I’m not ready to give up on my marriage and I am pretty sure that deep down, he isn’t, either.


Really? I stopped wishing when I realized my parents would kill each other. They are SO different it's amazing they got married. All that had was sexual chemistry but in every other way they are diametrically different. They have to get together occasionally for my sisters kids, and my Dad goes right back to flirting with my Mom, when my step Mom leaves the room. It makes us want to puke.


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