# trying to get marriage figured out



## hkbb (Oct 28, 2020)

hi, i'm K, i'm in my mid-20s so i'm really trying to get this whole marriage thing figured out pretty quick, but that's not really culturally supported where i am because i was raised an atheist in a big, liberal city. the only un-divorced adults with kids i've ever met is one set of grandparents, and they were raised religious even though they're atheists, so they got married in the religious framework. basically, i don't really know how the kind of marriage i want actually works, or i guess even what kind of marriage i want, i just know what i don't want, so that's what i'm here to ask advice about, marriage.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Welcome to TAM. Ask away (start a discussion) when you can and you will get a LOT of opinions (some of them even good!)
Try to be specific in the questions you have -- the more specific, the better folks can answer them.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Welcome. And I think it’s good to ask question and figure out what you want first. 

I also want to put out what seems like an ideal situation may in fact not be great if that makes sense. For example, I know a lot of women who always wanted to be a stay at home mom and they romanticized it, then in reality they were miserable. My point is, what we think we might want may change. So you need to be flexible and not count things as failures just because things don’t work out the way you want them to. 

If your religious that will guide you a little bit. But if your not religious that doesn’t mean it’s a free for all, you can still have structure/traditional roles if that’s what you and your spouse want. 

Why don’t you start out by telling us what you DONT want.


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## hkbb (Oct 28, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> Welcome. And I think it’s good to ask question and figure out what you want first.
> 
> I also want to put out what seems like an ideal situation may in fact not be great if that makes sense. For example, I know a lot of women who always wanted to be a stay at home mom and they romanticized it, then in reality they were miserable. My point is, what we think we might want may change. So you need to be flexible and not count things as failures just because things don’t work out the way you want them to.
> 
> ...


someone suggested I start a discussion so I also made a post asking about what factors ARE really important and shouldn't be flexible on, but basically I just don't want the examples I've seen of, like...I guess "mainstream" dating, and marriages that ended in divorce. 

as far as lifestyle and things, I just hope to have roughly the same goals for what our ideal lifestyle would be, but I know life is unpredictable so I'm pretty flexible about the reality. 

thanks for your help!


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