# How do you gain self confidence and



## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

be the woman you truly want to be? And avoid being the jealous, whiny and seemingly-weak wife?

I need a 180 badly but am struggling to get there!


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## MissFroggie (Sep 3, 2013)

These PDFs are free and helped me loads:

Centre for Clinical Interventions (CCI) - Psychotherapy, Research, Training

Centre for Clinical Interventions (CCI) - Psychotherapy, Research, Training

All other courses and modules can be found here:

Centre for Clinical Interventions (CCI) - Psychotherapy, Research, Training


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Think positive outcomes of what you want to accomplish and apply them.

Tell yourself out loud or in your thoughts you can, rather then you can't of whatever desire you are desiring. 


Start by telling yourself "I'm not jealous", write it down if necessary in a notebook or on a poster board. Do this with anything you want to improve with yourself.


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## Devotee (Sep 22, 2013)

Maybe start by getting to the root of why you are always feeling either jealous, whiny or weak. When you know the triggers then you can devise weapons to combat those feelings. 

It took me many years of beating myself up before I ditched the crap from the past that I was holding onto.

What do you think is holding you back?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

yellowstar is sounds cliche but the gain self esteem, do esteemable things. Ask yourself if you'll be proud of this action regarding every choice you make. Accepting poor treatment isn't esteemable. It makes you feel like you've let yourself down and that's what you're feeling now. Fear is often the driving force when we let our selves down.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Personally, I do not believe in the "affirmation" approach (telling yourself you are great or beautiful or whatever). I think this is empty and leads to empty results.

What I do think helps is to actually work hard at getting better at things -- develop skills, get in shape, take on challenges, etc. 

Of course, sometimes we have mental barriers to these things, and it can help to look internally through therapy or books or whatever at what these barriers are (e.g. someone important in your early life made you feel that way and now you've internalized it). But just looking in the mirror and saying "I'm great" never did anything for me.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

yellowstar said:


> be the woman you truly want to be? And avoid being the jealous, whiny and seemingly-weak wife?
> 
> I need a 180 badly but am struggling to get there!



You HAVE to believe you're a catch. You need to think you have options out there. You can find another relationship if you wanted to, but you're committed to the one you're with. 

Sometimes you have to fake confidence until you get it. Change the behavior and the feelings will follow. Let your body language signal you're confident. Stand up tall, look people in the eye, have a firm handshake, don't speak in a quiet mousy voice.. Drop things like "this might be a dumb question.." type qualifiers before you speak. Don't be overly apologetic either. I see a lot of women doing both of those things and it comes off as insecure.

Focus on being a fun person, not uptight or overly serious. Be someone people want to spend time with.

Be in the best physical shape that's realistic for your body. If you don't exercise, start it.

Dress for your body type. You don't have to spend a fortune to buy clothes that accentuate what you have and hide minor flaws you don't want noticed.

Confidence comes from within so do things that increase it like trying a new activity, a new skill, making new friends, take a weekend class in something you like...


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Positive affirmations has literally changed my life!


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Fake it till you make it. It works.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

MissFroggie said:


> Yes, affirmations ALONE will not be enough. However, affirmations with positive change are of great value and often it is the affirmations that kick start the self-belief to make those positive changes  When you have been hearing criticism and negativity all the time you can't help but start to question if those things are true and eventually you start to believe them and wonder whether you have worth at all. It is crippling and soul destroying. Positive affirmations can be the start of turning things around, believing in yourself, valuing what you do well and all that you love about yourself again, with increased self-worth and confidence you are able to make positive changes and feel good about yourself without questioning and doubting yourself every step of the way


Hey, whatever works.


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## 2galsmom (Feb 14, 2013)

Thank you Miss Froggie, I am going to print that out and share it with my kids. To me "affirmations" are directives to think positively and it is the only way to be successful.

I do not think of affirmations as "faking it" - as a person who covered up for domestic violence and abuse I know that you can fake it, but not necessarily make it hence my emphasis on semantics.

I know my children were better when I gave them daily affirmations and so I have seen it work.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I have no criticism of affirmations but they aren't my style. Instead I will set an intention - which is a similar thing. 

To me it's the thought-process to be conscious of. Be aware of the thought, see it for what it is, alter that thought in your mind - flip it on its head. Change your thinking first. Your feelings and actions will flow from there. The more you do this, the more you will become that person you want to be. You will live more congruently. 

I'm no Buddha on the mountain-top but when I have moments where I feel negative... I try to catch myself and re-frame. Sometimes it happens after the fact. The more situations you can do this with, the quicker you can recognize within yourself and the behavior and language will then be reflected through that.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I don't know your back-story but also setting yourself challenges, having things to work towards, thinking of others... these are things that can perhaps help you develop a stronger sense of self.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

By the way yellowstar, self esteem isn't the biggest challenge to face doing 180. Fear is the hurdle.

Fear is also the thing that keeps people from reacting to disrespectful treatment. When you accept being treated badly for whatever reason then the concept mentioned above "fake it til you make it" works in reverse. It'll zap a healthy self esteem right out of people. So low self esteem is actually the symptom of what you do and allow. So is high self esteem. Gaining self esteem in order to be brave is like pulling a horse with a cart.

You think you need to do 180 but it's scary. Try to remember that things aren't good now and will get worse if nothing changes. That's scary as well. Have faith in human nature that people who defend themselves gain respect from others and self respect as well. Take yourself off of the 1/2 price rack.

Good luck.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

yellowstar said:


> be the woman you truly want to be? And avoid being the jealous, whiny and seemingly-weak wife?
> 
> I need a 180 badly but am struggling to get there!


I am wondering where these feelings are coming from and if your husband is giving you reasons to feel unsure of yourself and your marriage. In order to resolve a problem, you have to know where it's coming from. 
Has your husband told you that you are jealous, whiny and weak?
Has your husband done things that cause you to feel jealous or unsure of yourself? For example, does he look at other women inappropriately – in a way that makes you feel less than? Is he critical of you? Is he doing things that cause you to think he may be hiding things from you?
How long have you been married? How long have you been having these feelings?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Coffee Amore said:


> I see a lot of women doing both of those things and it comes off as insecure.


But Coffee . . . what if we really are insecure?


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

jld said:


> But Coffee . . . what if we really are insecure?


Assuming the person wants to change, then that's where faking it until you get it comes in..At a meeting today at work, I heard a woman say.."This might be a dumb question but.." I wanted to tell her, just ask the question, don't preface it with something that's a put-down of yourself.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Coffee Amore said:


> Assuming the person wants to change, then that's where faking it until you get it comes in..At a meeting today at work, I heard a woman say.."This might be a dumb question but.." I wanted to tell her, just ask the question, don't preface it with something that's a put-down of yourself.


"Fake it til you make it" gets a bad rap. Maybe we should change the phrase to "try something different that works for others and give it time to work". At the end of the day actions speak louder than words and habits take time to form. Just don't ever ever ever ever say "fake it til you make it" on a nice guy or alpha thread. All hell will break loose.


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