# Do you ever feel like you’re living someone else’s life?



## HugosVoice

Hi everyone. Not sure if I am posting this in the right spot but considering I am thinking of ending my marriage I thought I would put it here. 
I have a very adventurous nature but I am living your typical married in a nice house safe life. 
I feel like breaking free all the time. My husband is happy and very set in his ways but I need more.
It often feels like I am living someone else’s life. 
I love my husband very much but I am beginning to wonder if love is enough?
We have been together for 15 years since I was 19. No kids.


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## MarriedDude

HugosVoice said:


> Hi everyone. Not sure if I am posting this in the right spot but considering I am thinking of ending my marriage I thought I would put it here.
> I have a very adventurous nature but I am living your typical married in a nice house safe life.
> I feel like breaking free all the time. My husband is happy and very set in his ways but I need more.
> It often feels like I am living someone else’s life.
> I love my husband very much but I am beginning to wonder if love is enough?
> We have been together for 15 years since I was 19. No kids.


So your about 34...

Breaking Free? of what? You have no kids....Do you work? 

What is it that your husband is stopping you from doing? Exactly. 

When did this start?


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## HugosVoice

oceen said:


> Life is short. If you're not happy, cut the cord.


Ha! It’s just THAT easy, huh?



MarriedDude said:


> What is it that your husband is stopping you from doing? Exactly.


He’s not stopping me from doing anything. I am stopping me. I had a certain vision of what my life would be like and instead it has turned out to be the one that appeases everyone else. The whole happy families thing just isn’t me. The truth? I want to see the world, go on adventures, have torrid love affairs, tattoo my body. Every time I tell people these things they make me feel like I am being silly. I settled down way too early and constantly feel like I am missing out.


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## MarriedDude

HugosVoice said:


> Ha! It’s just THAT easy, huh?
> 
> 
> 
> He’s not stopping me from doing anything. I am stopping me. *I had a certain vision of what my life would be like and instead it has turned out to be the one that appeases everyone else.* The whole happy families thing just isn’t me. The truth? I want to see the world, go on adventures, have torrid love affairs, tattoo my body. Every time I tell people these things they make me feel like I am being silly. I settled down way too early and constantly feel like I am missing out.


Welcome to being a grown up. Sucks Huh?

See the world, have adventures, Have a torrid love affair with your husband (you can...after 25 years...i have one with my wife), get tattoos (tattooed chicks are hot..my wife has more than me)

You don't have to drop everything to change your life. Just do It. 

If you've never heard it: https://youtu.be/rre0sFHlfBc

It's my Theme Song


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## john117

You don't need to grow up. I'm living proof of that.

At age 56 I am a semi respectable professional with industry awards, stellar education, six figures, McMansion... Two wonderful daughters.

Unfortunately (or not) I have the maturity of a teenager, drive a Mini Cooper, enjoy cycling, rock music and concerts, world travel, and the like. Tattoos are not my thing but I do look like Frank Zappa... 

Wild affairs? Well, I have interns at work but HR is not very permissive of such things.

_______________________________

(That's the bottom line)

You don't have to be miserable because you grow older. Make enough money and follow your passions. Don't sulk about what could have been. Go to college. Learn new things. 

At the end of the day what matters is experiences, and those can be obtained if you plan it out. You can live an "interesting" life along a "normal" life.


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## richardsharpe

Good evening
what would you do if you were "free". Seriously think about it, think about the practicalities - can you really do those things. Imagine them - would you really be happy? Can you not do them now?

Honest answers to yourself will help you decide what to do. 

Live isn't a fantasy story, there are all sorts of limits and practicalities - but that doesn't mean that it can't be fun. You just need to be clear with yourself about what life you want, and how you will get it.


I have somewhat the opposite reaction to you. I feel someday someone is going to tell me to stop playing and come inside and clean my room or something. I feel like I'm pretending to be what I am - but in a good way - like a child playing at being a grownup.


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## DanielleBennett

I don't understand why you would want to end your marriage because you want to feel free? Can you please elaborate more on this feeling? I can understand since he is set in his ways that he doesn't allow you to do what makes you happy or if he's a control freak because that can easily tire a person. Are there other reasons besides this that is making you unhappy in the marriage? Would you consider counseling with him? Sometimes when I am feeling stuck in a rut, I go out on nature walks by myself and I feel refreshed and happy.


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## Imovedforthis

HugosVoice said:


> I have a very adventurous nature but I am living your typical married in a nice house safe life.
> 
> I feel like breaking free all the time.



I SO get this. But for me, I love having the safe house life. I left my first marriage for he was a wild one and I wanted someone who was settled down and family oriented. So that's the life I have had the past 13 years. 
No lie- I often miss and crave the life I had with first husband. Ahh it was SOOO fun. Tons of friends, constant parties, get togethers, we were quit the "it" couple in the social world and I loved it. And we even had a baby throughout all this. 
But with all that fun came consequences... He's an alcoholic so when the fun wasn't happening life was a mess. We had an attorney on constant retainer bc he could not stay out of jail for this or that. drinking and driving, fighting.. Our lifestyle cost us so much money to say the least. 
It gets old after awhile. And while I miss that life I would never choose that life again. I'm so grateful for my husband for keeping us grounded and normal.. Even if it is boring at times. It's less drama and worries. 

I feel like breaking free all the time also... But if you really love your husband and have a decent life, don't mess it up. I'm 36 and have been feeling lately like I've lost a lot of my life bc I didn't do certain things and a lot I haven't done bc I felt held back or no support from my husband. And when you feel like you are almost 40 it's like you start to panic, oh crap- I'm older now and still haven't "lived my life" and done certain things. It sucks!!! 
You don't have kids so maybe you should really start thinking about whether you really want to be with your husband or not? If not, I would leave in a heartbeat! Especially with no kids. Oh how easy it would be. And trust me I know- easier said than done  
but if you want your marriage then I would suggest trying to still live your life just possibly without him doing these things with you. You know? Want a tattoo, get one. Travel somewhere- go with a friend or family member. Besides having wild affairs you can still do all those things. 
Would your hubby get upset if you did get a tattoo or the other things? 



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## MarriedDude

@HugosVoice

Get the Tattoo. Have an adventure -if you don't just do it -you'll regret it forever. The reality will never live up to your expectations...believe me. I know. 

But everyone's from Missouri when they are young. So just Do it....But Do it in such a way that you don't lose a good thing...chasing the unknown thing


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## HugosVoice

He hates tattoos on women. I already had 3 before we met and I can still to this day hear him cringe when he sees them. They're only small. I have a folder full of tattoo ideas that will never come to fruition because I no longer feel comfortable getting them. 

She has never travelled, so I tried planning an overseas holiday with my sister some years back, and when I told him about it he hit the roof. He started asking me how I'd feel if he decided to spend thousands of dollars and go overseas with his brother etc. He made me feel so guilty, so WRONG that I just cancelled it.

I have had to learn to love my own company so much over the past few years because I have no choice. He has no motivation to do anything and doesn't share my adventurous nature so I do most things alone. I go with friends sometimes too but it's not the same. I'd like a partner who shares my same passions. 

This is what I mean. It's not a case of just doing these things. It's not that easy. I sit around all day daydreaming about a life completely different to the one I have now. 

Then there's my parents. Any time I talk to them about this they make me feel immature and irresponsible, telling me people "can't live like that forever. You have to grow up some time". 

Why? Why do you have to?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kag123

What exactly does he say or do when you bring up the things you want to do? 

Do you really have the money to afford the lifestyle you want? I desperately want to go to Bora Bora and technically we could do it if we let some bills go unpaid and racked up some more debt. So when I bring it up and my husband says "Yea...that would be nice in about ten more years..." I know he's being realistic about our money, not being a wet blanket. 

What hobbies does he have and what does he like to do?


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## MarriedDude

HugosVoice said:


> He hates tattoos on women. I already had 3 before we met and I can still to this day hear him cringe when he sees them. They're only small. I have a folder full of tattoo ideas that will never come to fruition because I no longer feel comfortable getting them.
> 
> She has never travelled, so I tried planning an overseas holiday with my sister some years back, and when I told him about it he hit the roof. *He started asking me how I'd feel if he decided to spend thousands of dollars and go overseas with his brother etc.* He made me feel so guilty, so WRONG that I just cancelled it.
> 
> *Response " I'd be shocked that you did something and happy at the same time....and I'd want to go too. Great idea...lets do that"*
> 
> I have had to learn to love my own company so much over the past few years because I have no choice. He has no motivation to do anything and doesn't share my adventurous nature so I do most things alone. I go with friends sometimes too but it's not the same. I'd like a partner who shares my same passions.
> 
> This is what I mean. It's not a case of just doing these things. It's not that easy. I sit around all day daydreaming about a life completely different to the one I have now.
> 
> *Then there's my parents. Any time I talk to them about this they make me feel immature and irresponsible, telling me people "can't live like that forever. You have to grow up some time".
> 
> Why? Why do you have to?*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


They have their life. You have yours. 

It's ticking away all the time. It's rare that someone on their deathbed laments not doing what everyone tells them too. They tend to wish they would have just done what they want. 

Everything is as easy or hard as you make it. I bet if you'd start doing things...even small at first...keep asking your husband...he'll say no at first...keep doing them...He'll follow along -or you'll find that he isn't capable of it. 

Either way...you only have so much time.


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## Married but Happy

It's your life, and you can still live it. As you say, the only thing stopping you is yourself, really. Can you afford to do what you want, or find a way to have it pay for itself? If not, then that is your homework assignment - how to get from here to there and thrive (or survive to your acceptable levels). Once you figure that out, it's a choice to go and do it.

If you're not happy now, how will things be in 5 or 10 years if you don't follow your dreams? How much regret - even bitterness - will you have?

My dreams and passions have changed over the years, though. Yours may too. I mean, where's my yacht and private jet? Or my trek through Asia? On the other hand, my greatest happiness and wealth is now in my incredibly wonderful relationship. I'm happy without the expensive toys (as long as I'm reasonably comfortable and secure), as long as I have this relationship (love and intense compatibility). And we do get to travel, which is wonderful together.

If your relationship isn't fantastic, what are you waiting for? Live for the experiences - later in life, those will make you a more appealing partner if you want to give up adventuring. And no, love alone is NOT enough, IMO.


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## Marduk

HugosVoice said:


> He hates tattoos on women. I already had 3 before we met and I can still to this day hear him cringe when he sees them. They're only small. I have a folder full of tattoo ideas that will never come to fruition because I no longer feel comfortable getting them.
> 
> She has never travelled, so I tried planning an overseas holiday with my sister some years back, and when I told him about it he hit the roof. He started asking me how I'd feel if he decided to spend thousands of dollars and go overseas with his brother etc. He made me feel so guilty, so WRONG that I just cancelled it.
> 
> I have had to learn to love my own company so much over the past few years because I have no choice. He has no motivation to do anything and doesn't share my adventurous nature so I do most things alone. I go with friends sometimes too but it's not the same. I'd like a partner who shares my same passions.
> 
> This is what I mean. It's not a case of just doing these things. It's not that easy. I sit around all day daydreaming about a life completely different to the one I have now.
> 
> Then there's my parents. Any time I talk to them about this they make me feel immature and irresponsible, telling me people "can't live like that forever. You have to grow up some time".
> 
> Why? Why do you have to?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There's a lot of poor me in your words, and I'm sorry to say it does sound childish. I mean, who gives a **** what their mom and dad say?

There's many ways to have an adventure with or without your husband. Tattoos are up to you, it's your body. 

But the thing about grown up adventure is that it's for grown ups. Even childish grown ups like me. 

Think. Plan. Act. Repeat.


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## HugosVoice

I just have no idea what to do.  

I was so young when we met and I feel like there's so much I missed out on. When I was 18 I had a grand plan to travel but then I met him and it all stopped. Now I'm 34, haven't done any of the things I wanted to and am stuck with a 30 year mortgage because instead of listening to my heart I did the "grown up" thing. 

If I break it off, I shatter him and lose my home. If I stay I may end up even more miserable. 

For those of you asking about money, I am not living in a fantasy land. I don't plan on taking round the world trips that exceed into the hundreds of thousands every year. I wouldn't want to spend more than $10k on travel a year, taking 1 or 2 short trips. 

I've always been a big saver and managed to save over $50k for my home deposit. Right now I can't even afford to put $20 a week away without having to pull it back because I don't have enough money to cover my mortgage, land rates and bills. I miss my old life so much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedDude

Even if you go off and follow the 18 year old you's plan. That's not really you anymore. No matter how much you miss it...you can have it back. Damn Linear Time. 

What you want sounds pretty damn reasonable, it really does. Doing the grown up thing...was the right thing for you at the time...just like 18 year old you -decided she wanted this guy. 

In reality....you didn't miss much...maybe an STD...some seriously horrible stomach issues (reality)...maybe interacting with a white-slavery ring...and so forth. . But the new you -can save up and create some pretty awesome trips -with a much better end result.


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## NoChoice

OP,
Why did you marry? And especially someone so unlike yourself. Some people never really do mature and as long as they do not cause harm to others then so be it. However, you made a lifelong commitment, why? No you must choose. The H you resent or the life you long for. I would just caution you that the wild life you crave may end up leaving you empty and alone but it is, after all, your life.


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## Imovedforthis

I feel ya... My husband does the same thing. Lack of support and throws a fit if I dare try to do something. 

Maybe we aren't looking for a different life, maybe we are looking for our OWN dang life back. I def crave having my own independence and freedom. I think our husbands are making us feel isolated! 
Mine did the same tactic- well sure you can do this and then I will as well. 
He knows I'm a jealous person so I usually back down and drop it. But he would intentionally say things to get me to back down. Like- I want to go to a movie with a gf. He says sure me and some guys will go drinking after work then. Knowing we don't like each other going to bars and stuff. 
It's aggravating and we probably do come off sounding like oh poor me. 
But whatever. Lol 
Pretty sure we feel this way bc of who we are married too.


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## Imovedforthis

But I do love him and can't imagine life without him. 

I guess you can say I'm settling and accepting things bc I choose to be in this marriage right now. 


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## HugosVoice

I keep forgetting to mention that there is a 20 year age difference between us. 



MarriedDude said:


> In reality....you didn't miss much...maybe an STD...some seriously horrible stomach issues (reality)...maybe interacting with a white-slavery ring...and so forth. . But the new you -can save up and create some pretty awesome trips -with a much better end result.




You have a wonderful sense of humour, *MarriedDude*. Thank you so much for all your comments. 

I'm not interested in being with anyone else. I think if I was single and a man showed interest in me I'd run for the hills. It's about me living the true life I want to. 



NoChoice said:


> OP,
> Why did you marry? And especially someone so unlike yourself. *Some people never really do mature* and as long as they do not cause harm to others then so be it. However, you made a lifelong commitment, why? No you must choose. The H you resent or the life you long for. I would just caution you that the wild life you crave may end up leaving you empty and alone but it is, after all, your life.


Now see... it's attitudes like this that bug me so much. I'm well educated, have a good job, do plenty of volunteer and charity work and I think am generally a pretty good person. Yet, I am considered by some as someone who will "never mature" because instead of living the typical married, mortgage paying life I want more? Why is maturity measured by the life you live and not by the person you are? 

Also, "empty and alone"? How so? I have a wonderful amount of friends both here and overseas. Most of which I speak to on a daily basis. Because I wouldn't have a partner (by choice) that would make me empty and alone? 

I married because he asked me and I love him. Sure, we had our differences but who doesn't. He's a good man. Why does anyone marry?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aine

You and only you are in control of your own life. Do not use your poor unsuspecting H as an excuse, go do the things you want to do. You can still fulfill that vision, share it with your H, you might be surprised he might feel the same way too.


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## kag123

You asked - why does anyone marry?

I married because I honestly could not imagine a single day for the rest of my life without him in it. I married because it felt natural and it made me feel at peace and I knew in my heart without a single doubt that I would never regret it. I would marry him all over again today and every day that we've been together. It is one of the best decisions I've ever made. 

Was there ever a time when you felt that way about him? What did the 18 year old you feel about him?


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## NoChoice

HugosVoice said:


> I keep forgetting to mention that there is a 20 year age difference between us.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> You have a wonderful sense of humour, *MarriedDude*. Thank you so much for all your comments.
> 
> I'm not interested in being with anyone else. I think if I was single and a man showed interest in me I'd run for the hills. It's about me living the true life I want to.
> 
> 
> 
> Now see... it's attitudes like this that bug me so much. I'm well educated, have a good job, do plenty of volunteer and charity work and I think am generally a pretty good person. Yet, I am considered by some as someone who will "never mature" because instead of living the typical married, mortgage paying life I want more? *Why is maturity measured by the life you live and not by the person you are?*
> 
> OP, you do not appear to want more, you appear to want different. And maturity is measured by the life you live and the choices you make such as deciding to marry someone and then deciding you would rather not be married. Mature individuals have a relatively firm grasp on what they want out of life and with whom they would like to attain those things. Also, the omission of the 20 year age difference is enormous. You will almost certainly not have the same mindset in 20 years that you do currently.
> 
> Also, "empty and alone"? How so? I have a wonderful amount of friends both here and overseas. Most of which I speak to on a daily basis. Because I wouldn't have a partner (by choice) that would make me empty and alone?
> 
> First and foremost I said MAY not will. Because most people, as they mature, begin to shift priorities and their needs and wants for fulfillment change. At the end of the journey you MAY find parties and torrid love affairs not to be as fulfilling as they would appear now. Just something to consider, nothing more.
> 
> I married because he asked me and I love him. Sure, we had our differences but who doesn't. He's a good man. Why does anyone marry?
> 
> In mature individuals, marriage is a culmination of the desire to share life with someone and to build that life together. It is carefully thought out and reasonably decided upon and not entered into lightly. How do you reconcile your love for him with your desire for torrid love affairs? Or with divorcing him to party and have said affairs? By most reasonable people's understanding of maturity this is not exemplifying it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is your life but if you are looking for "justification" to do as you wish then you should know it is not necessary to obtain such from me or anyone else on these boards. It is your life to do with as you see fit and to face the consequences of those choices, which MAY be eluding you now. I wish you good fortune.


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## farsidejunky

HV:

We are what we do; it is really that simple. A person's character is measured by their actions, not their words.

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