# Am I being unreasonable?



## SoSadandMiserable (Jul 30, 2010)

My story is so long i dont really know where to start, but i will try to keep it short. I have been with my husband for 11 years, married for 5 years. We have lived together for all this time.
I love my husband dearly and do believe that he loves me. We had a great relationship early on, actually probably for the better half of our relationship it was great but then things got strange and have not improved since then.
We lost an infant before we got married, she was 9 months old and her death was very sudden and unexpected and obviously we both suffered as a result and i am really sad to say that it would appear that this is where things started going wrong. A few months after her death my husband (who was about 30 at the time) met a young girl at work, when i say young i mean like 16. There were a lot of exchanged texts, phone calls, etc but nothing physical ever happened. I confronted him many times about it but was made to believe that i was imagining things and that there was nothing going on however i feel that when you have to start hiding phone calls and texts from your girlfriend you are doing something that you know is wrong. I eventually did see one of the texts and i confronted him about it. They each told a different story and i to this day dont know the truth. She then resigned from the job and everything went back to normal between us. At around the same time i became very ill and had to be hospitalised for severe depression and anorexia. During all of that he was very much the the caring concerned partner and it was clear that he loved me and didnt want anything to happen to me. 
When i was released from hospital things were good for a while and we decided to get married. And still after that things were great. Three years ago (2 years into our marriage) we had another little girl. During my pregnancy he was perfect but not long after she was born things went strange again. He became distant and moody. He started a new, better paying job and we were both very excited and both very proud of his achievement. 
Then the social networking started and at first i really didnt mind. He shared it with me and i was aware that he was flirting with these people. He works in the hospitality industry so he comes into contact with alot of younger girls. But then he started hiding the convo's they were having, out of the blue. So i knew something was up. I did some snooping and found a number of a girl that he was obviously in contact with and i confronted him. He told me i was crazy and imagining things, so i called her. What she had to say shocked me! She told me that he had told her that we live together for the sake of the child and that we hardly speak to each other anymore! This was most definately not true, or not as far as i was concerned. The confrontation with him didnt go well, he denied it and said she was lying and that he would never say something like that. Then came the phone bill... He had been calling and texting her up to 20 - 30 times a day, sometimes speaking to her for up to an hour or more. Again i confronted him and was told they are just friends, he wont show me the texts because it has nothing to do with me. He then started something similar with another girl, and she happened to actually come and visit him at home, which he lied to me about. The domestic worker says the bedroom door was closed and they were inside and he says thats not true. The girl later accused him of raping her!!! However we have since found out that she has also accused her church minister, youth leader, father, brother and 2 friends of the same thing and her own mother told us that she could not be believed. The whole situation however turned into a nightmare, and after a night out drinking he accidentally told me he was inlove with the first girl mentioned! I went balistic and wanted to throw him out, he then said that he made a mistake,didnt mean it and so on and he never had any contact with her again. She has since married and has a baby from what i hear. And again, things went back to normal and we were "happy" for a while. He then started a new job and within days he started to online thing again with somebody from work and this time he stopped the moment i confronted him but a few weeks later it started with another one, this time she was a bit older, but not much. He spent all his time online with her and i know from phone records that the moment he was out of the house he would call her. I also once saw a text from him to her that said that he was crazy in love with her, missed her and couldnt wait to see her. His explanation for this was it was a joke and its just talk and that as long as he is not sleeping with her then he is not doing anything wrong. This continued for months, and again i stress there is nothing physical. I know where he is at all times and he is always home on time and never lies about where he is, i know because i have checked. Then suddenly it just stopped. Somebody later told me that she had left her boyfriend and was pressuring him to leave me so he put an end to it because he had apparently told her from the beginning that they would never be anything more than they were. I confronted him with this and he told me that there had been feelings involved and that he was inlove with her but that he would never leave me, that he loved me and that he realised what he felt for her didnt compare. He cant imagine living his life with anybody but me. And so it ended. He was then accused of sexual harrasment at work, instigated by this very same girl and almost lost his job. I dont know what the outcome of the enquiry into it was and i dont want to, i think if he was guilty they would have fired him. So everything was great between us, for about a year in fact. Then recently the cycle has started again. I already know the signs, i know when it starts because i see the changes. This time i havent taken it lying down, its wrong in my mind! So, so wrong but he disagrees. I have confronted her many times and she has told me that he has made it clear to her that they can only be friends and that nothing more will ever happen, but he is constantly in contact with her, online, texting and phone calls. I was almost ready to resign myself to the fact that this is what he does and that as long as he is not sleeping with them i could live with it but then came the shock... He changed his Facebook relationship status from Married, to single and then to in a relationship... What am i to make of that? When i ask about it he admits doing it but cant tell me why, it ends in a argument. 
I am now considering divorce...I just cant do this anymore, i have cried and begged and pleaded but he just doesnt see anything wrong! He has basically told me to live with it or leave, do whatever i want, he is not changing anything. Am i being unreasonable? What do i do?


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

He is playing you; you’re the nice wife at home looking after him

Normally I would suggest saving your relationship and there is a plan but in this case save YOURSELF.

He is an arrogant serial cheater looking for an opportunity . Some people are like that. He just does not care for you.

He said live with it or leave so LEAVE, divorce him.

in the mean time secure your finances and let all his family and friends know what he is doing. No fighting, hold your dignity, do not take his abuse.

Look after YOURSELF


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

Wisp said:


> He is playing you; you’re the nice wife at home looking after him
> 
> Normally I would suggest saving your relationship and there is a plan but in this case save YOURSELF.
> 
> ...


+1 dump that chump!!! weather he sleeps with them or not this is an affair and weather he wants to admit it or not this is wrong.


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## jeffreygropp (Jun 9, 2010)

Wow that is a heartbreaking and gut wrenching story... I sure hope you figure out what you want to do. :{


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

SoSadandMiserable said:


> He has basically told me to live with it or leave, do whatever i want, he is not changing anything.


Why do you not believe him?




SoSadandMiserable said:


> What do i do?


You already know what to do.


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## wilted_flower (Jul 25, 2010)

Your unreasonableness is only that you stick around. You deserve the respect that he would remain faithful to you, and that includes emotional fidelity. 

Especially if he is initiating these contacts with such young girls... I can't imagine the horror if something actually did happen and your husband went to jail. You don't deserve to live with all this pain. You deserve to be with some body who loves you and treats you with respect. 

Respect yourself and leave. He's forcing your hand, and seeing how much he can get away with. Don't deal with it. Don't set that kind of example for your child. 

I am so sorry for your tragic situation. I hope you both received counseling after your first child's death... I can't even imagine what that must have been like and the strain it must have placed upon your marriage. Good luck to you... and listen to your heart. I think you know what it's telling you.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Maybe I'm the only one, but I'm not convinced he's cheating


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## wilted_flower (Jul 25, 2010)

2Daughters said:


> Maybe I'm the only one, but I'm not convinced he's cheating


Maybe not cheating in the traditional, physical sense of the word... but I certainly wouldn't call this behavior faithful. Being faithful, IMO, includes more than just what you're doing with your hands. If you're involved with somebody else emotionally but not acting upon it physically, it still signifies some serious inadequacies in the relationship that need to be dealt with. 

And, it's just as painful. I would be devastated to find out if my husband was having an emotional affair. It's a connection that goes deeper than touching... and thus hits on a different level. But I still think it's cheating.


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## jakeflop (Aug 2, 2010)

There is a chick in a club that I am associated with that I talk to once in a while. She is cute! I would be lying if I said I didn't occasionally flirt with her. I don't delete the texts or deny talking to her if/when questioned by my wife because I have nothing to hide. Just because I make a flitatious comment doesn't mean my penis came out of my pants and went into her vagina. 

Everyone flirts. Granted it's in different ways, but if he is flat out saying that it's not your business to see what he is saying to her, then following the statement up with "we are just friends" there is a contradiction that can't be ignored. If he is that obvious with a contradiction like that, I'd have to say the chances of maintaining a monogamous relationship are mostly gone.


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## SaltLake (Aug 2, 2010)

This is a weird situation. It appears that he may be a big flirt maybe he's made out with a few girls but never crossed the "line". However it does bother you doesn't it. I'd say if it bothers you he should respect that and stop. If it didn't bother you then no big deal as long as its just some flirting. So since it obviously is a big deal to you, you have to tell him that even though he is not "technically" cheating it still doesn't fly with you. This is way more than occasional flirting. this will lead to full fledged cheating. So tell him cut it out or you're done.


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