# He said it isn't all about sex...



## *Ann* (Aug 26, 2010)

Ok, we have been together for almost 3 years. When we first got together. We couldn't keep our hands off each other. At the beginning of our 2nd year together I became very depressed. I was put on medication and was trying to get better. Sex was the last thing on my mind. All I wanted to do was work and sleep. Now I am feeling better and my sex drive is back in full force. I know I didn't want it but, I did try to make sure he was "taken care of" when he wanted it. I know I failed a few times but, something has changed. It's been over a month since we had sex. I spoke to him a few times and still nothing. I finally got upset and spoke my mind and he said sex isn't everything. It doesn't make a relationship. I know it doesn't but, it needs to be there somewhat. Right? I know where he is most of the time, so I don't think he's cheating on me. I don't get that dreaded gut feeling (I have been cheated on before and know that feeling). He is always doing things for me, cooking, cleaning etc. He always holds me when we sleep. I don't understand. A guy saying it isn't all about sex? Is something wrong with that?... Anybody else experience this?


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Is it possible he has some health issue now that is interfering with his drive? You don't mention ages, but depending on his age, it could be low testosterone. Or he could be depressed, stressed...heart problems and diabetes can also interfere with sex drive, if I'm remembering correctly. 

Have you talked to him? I would be careful how you approach it, but just tell him that you are having trouble understanding his lack of interest and you are concerned about him. 

As for sex itself in terms of the relationship....sex is a part of a romantic relationship, yes. It's what sets it apart from a mere friendship and makes it a more intimate relationship that stands apart from the rest. But, as your boyfriend said, it's also not the most important part of the relationship. There are other aspects that are much more important. 

My boyfriend and I did go through a period like this, where I had tons of interest and he had none. For him, it was a combo of low testosterone, stress, and exhaustion. It did cause problems for us, we were both really stressed over our relationship and came close to breaking up a few times. But for us, that was all more due to the fact that we felt like we were slipping away from each other in other ways due to all the stress and problems outside our relationship that were having an impact on our relationship. 

You can work it out and get past this, as long as you both communicate with each other and don't start blaming each other. Don't look at this as something that is his fault or your fault, or his issue to solve or yours, but as a problem in your relationship that you both need to solve.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

Sounds like your period of depression changed your relationship dynamic. He probably did a lot of caretaking and maybe You as Sex Object faded in his mind somehow. Maybe he resents you for having checked out into depression? It's a big deal for the "ok" person when their partner goes through a long period of depression. Since you were the "patient", you probably got to process a lot of stuff and got a lot of help and support and encouragement - but he may just now finally be in a position to deal with his own emotions about it. Help him with it.

As for the sex, well, remind him that you ARE a sex object (along with all else that you are) and do some seducing.


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## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

putting apart the health reasons, after numerous rejections, the feeling and urges will just die off... while u shud be glad he did not pass those urges to others outside the marriage, u shud start to find ways to get the heat back in ur marriage, all is not lost!


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Believe it or not, some guys just get to a point where it's just not worth the effort to have sex with their wife. So after being shot down for so long, they have no interest. it's up to you to reverse that.

However, as someone who cheated, let me just say that "I know where he is most of the time" means nothing. You may have to face the possibility that he is/was getting his sexual needs met elsewhere.


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## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

Sounds like his love language is Service whereas yours is sex. You two can't communicate in the same language! There needs to be a compromise otherwise it will only get worse.


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## *Ann* (Aug 26, 2010)

Thanks to all replies. We finally had a lengthy conversation over the weekend. He said it is probably due to stress and thinks it might be low testosterone. He has an appointment to go to the doctor and check it out (I guess he made the appt. after the convo before). I will support him as he supported me. We shall see. I'm in it for the long haul good or bad...


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## DALE CHOSA (May 14, 2014)

*Ann* said:


> Ok, we have been together for almost 3 years. When we first got together. We couldn't keep our hands off each other. At the beginning of our 2nd year together I became very depressed. I was put on medication and was trying to get better. Sex was the last thing on my mind. All I wanted to do was work and sleep. Now I am feeling better and my sex drive is back in full force. I know I didn't want it but, I did try to make sure he was "taken care of" when he wanted it. I know I failed a few times but, something has changed. It's been over a month since we had sex. I spoke to him a few times and still nothing. I finally got upset and spoke my mind and he said sex isn't everything. It doesn't make a relationship. I know it doesn't but, it needs to be there somewhat. Right? I know where he is most of the time, so I don't think he's cheating on me. I don't get that dreaded gut feeling (I have been cheated on before and know that feeling). He is always doing things for me, cooking, cleaning etc. He always holds me when we sleep. I don't understand. A guy saying it isn't all about sex? Is something wrong with that?... Anybody else experience this?


I'm a man pushing 50 years old and have the same problem but it's with my wife. She loves me doesn't want a Divorce just doesn't desire sex anymore. So as for a guy to not want sex I don't understand unless he has medical problems or doesn't find you attractive anymore?
Sorry for your loss....


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

DALE CHOSA said:


> I'm a man pushing 50 years old and have the same problem but it's with my wife. She loves me doesn't want a Divorce just doesn't desire sex anymore. So as for a guy to not want sex I don't understand unless he has medical problems or doesn't find you attractive anymore?
> Sorry for your loss....


You may want to start a new thread. This one was dead for 3.5 years...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I note that the timing of his lack of interest is past the 2 year mark in the relationship. That is when the initial hormonal attraction wears off, and it usually requires some effort to maintain the sexual connection. This was skewed further by your health issues.

It's great that he's willing to look into T levels and other things should be checked involving stress levels (cortisol) and thyroid function. If all those check out fine (not just within normal range but near optimum - this is important), then it could be psychological (a change in how he now views you), or, it could simply be that this is his normal long-term baseline libido. It it's the latter, there may be very little you or he can do about it.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> Believe it or not, some guys just get to a point where it's just not worth the effort to have sex with their wife. So after being shot down for so long, they have no interest. it's up to you to reverse that.
> 
> I agree with this totally. My wife has no interest in sex, doesnt like it and therefore doesn't see why she should do something she doesn't like and is completely oblivious to my needs.
> It has been like this for years - I now have absolutely no interest in her atall, sexually or otherwise.
> ...


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