# Post Divorce Me



## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

It's been three months since finalization. If you want to know my whole sordid sob story hunt for my old threads: Bye-Bye Marriage and Joining The Club.

Basically, my marriage had a prolonged demise not unlike the dance of death in Swan Lake. I tried and yet it still died. I was a "nice guy", she was damaged, she wanted out, had affairs...etc...game over.

Three months later, and I am picking up the pieces. My local Divorce Care group compares it to cleaning up after a tornado devastation. Major cancer treatment also added more destruction across the board in my life...so with the divorce occurring during my recovery period, things have been overwhelming.

Fortunately, I have been moving forward a bit at a time. Getting involved into things I enjoy...lots of volunteering. Two years since my diagnosis, I haven't worked...but I walked into the doors of my former employer on Tuesday and today, I just got hired. It is a job of limited duty compared to my last position, but I specifically aimed it this way to get back into the momentum. Still after a health event, bankruptcy, and divorce...it is daunting.

Even more daunting is the reality of contending with new relationships. I had been married 18 years...and I'll admit I'm not bad looking and am a pleasant person...yet being married helped keep the women at a distance. I don't have that anymore...and I am already very keen to how careful I have to be not to give anyone the wrong impression...as I have had difficulty this summer setting boundaries with someone who has feelings that I don't reciprocate (no...I did not have sex with her).

The idea of getting into a relationship still freaks me out...like major anxiety. I know I'm far from ready...and I don't care if I'll ever be. Still, getting back into the workplace will be a confidence builder for me...as two years' time had been slowly chipping away at my esteem. But my energy is back and I think I am ready to rejoin life.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Amen


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You have come a long way.

Don't even worry about new relationships right now. Take care of yourself... this is time for you. You will know when, and if, you are ready for a new relationship.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Going to work in a couple of hours...graveyard shift and I am fine with that. I just need to clock hours and have space to think...and some structure to build my life around. 

Tried to sleep as much as I could today to gear up...but I know it will be brutal those last few hours, being my very first shift back on the job. After church in the am, I am going to pass out!

Here's to being back after cancer, bankruptcy, and divorce!
The Boys Are Back In Town


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Former take care of YOU and rock on.:grin2:

Go ahead and date if you want but my suggestion for you is look up MGTOW= men going their own way.

I will PM you links but I have to go to bed my gf insists.>


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Excellent update, FS. Thank you for sharing. Your eagerness to pave your way to a bright future is palpable in your post .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you have trouble sleeping in the day before your shift or the next day when you have get home in the morning, try some melatonin. It's the hormone our body makes when it gets dark to make you sleepy.


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## BoyScout (Feb 6, 2015)

Hang in there Fellow Traveler. The road is a tough one, but if you study you'll see that it is, unfortunately, a well travelled one. There is plenty of advice, some good some not, out there. Frankly, I still don't understand the advice of 'take care of yourself.'. It doesn't make sense to me. I struggled mightily. I think I can see the light, but there will still be struggles, I'm sure. The thing I didn't see at first but oh so clearly see now is that I need that confidence that i had and that i know is there under the rubble. I'm digging for it and when i find a nugget, it is such a great day. Expect some back sliding and no matter how bad, don't beat yourself up for having bad days/ weeks/..... They will happen. I still have bruises from my own beatings and they were un-needed.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

BoyScout said:


> . Frankly, I still don't understand the advice of 'take care of yourself.'. .


Instead look at it as taking care of your self. Only you can mend you.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Man, there is only so much time in a day!

Post-divorce, i feel like I am coming out of a bad trip...or an addiction. That marriage had been such a source of chaos that needed constant attending...that now that I look at my life minus all of that, I see so much that I have to learn and to figure out for myself.

I realize I don't really have the ability to be a good friend, much else be in a relationship...and I feel like have to be able to be able to maintain friendships at least before anything else. And before friendships, I have to be able to maintain my own life.

The other night, I bumped into a women I had known six years back...we both knew each other married back then (now both divorced), so it was odd seeing each other...and I sensed some mutual attraction as we were catching up, but I felt myself recoiling from suggesting further contact and just pretty much left that situation without looking back. 

I don't know why this issue keeps coming back to my mind, because how much I am committed to being single for now...but I think it is because I wanted a deep connection for so long. But I also think I am still contending with "the void" for all intents and purposes...and I am not looking to use others to fill a void.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*To me, you guys(and gals) who have had to deal with the adversity of illness, joblessness, bankruptcy, and betrayed or broken social relationships where covert "cheating" was involved, are the true "wounded warriors" of life, and for that, I heartily salute you all!

Know this: God stands by all of you!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

FormerSelf said:


> Man, there is only so much time in a day!
> 
> Post-divorce, i feel like I am coming out of a bad trip...or an addiction. That marriage had been such a source of chaos that needed constant attending...that now that I look at my life minus all of that, I see so much that I have to learn and to figure out for myself.
> 
> ...


I know the feeling. Sometimes though I feel as though the fog is lifting. I am starting to see myself being attracted to different women I have met and I am starting to actually imagine that I could really have a life with one of them. That is not to say I am fantasizing or creating some other expectation, just that I can see that there is a possibility of life post divorce. I am also realizing that everything that I lost I can back again as they were only "things". So the ice is slowly melting.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Indeed, Ynot. Time does heal, especially when we use that time to intentionally heal. I hope one day I can be functional in how I can connect with others and develop healthy relationships.

This isn't me passing on judgment on anyone, because I UNDERSTAND the struggle, but I just can't see myself being able to cope with both the challenges of a new relationship as well as the challenges of getting over a busted marriage.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

A friend of mine told me, when my first husband divorced me, that I wouldn't know that I wasn't over it . . . but she said the day would come when I woke up and realized I WAS over it. She was left with young children, two jobs, and a degree to finish when her h walked out on her, and she was so busy surviving that she didn't know how much she was grieving on her feet, but one day she woke up and realized she was past it and things were good. Her advice proved to be true for me too. Now that h has done a runner for his OW and is filing, I just grieve on my feet. In the morning, when I wake up, I remember the good times and express my disappointment that we didn't work out, and at night before I go to bed I do the same thing, and express my trust in the universe that tomorrow will be a good day. And in between, I get up and get going and get things done. And I know that some day I will wake up and I will be over the divorce and the disappointment. I'll always love him, or a part of me will love the guy he was, but the day will come when I think of it less and miss it less and remember the good things and remember to grateful for those. You will too, formerself. No pressure. Just go with it until "it," your life, changes and all these forward moving steps you've taken begin to pay off for you.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

FormerSelf said:


> Indeed, Ynot. Time does heal, especially when we use that time to intentionally heal. I hope one day I can be functional in how I can connect with others and develop healthy relationships.
> 
> This isn't me passing on judgment on anyone, because I UNDERSTAND the struggle, but I just can't see myself being able to cope with both the challenges of a new relationship as well as the challenges of getting over a busted marriage.


In your prior post you mentioned that recovering from a busted relationship was like overcoming an addiction. In many ways it is exactly like. Our brains had been soaking in a bath of feel good chemicals for most of our time in the relationship. Removal of those feel good chemicals produces a craving for them. We naturally seek out the perceived source to feed the beast.
It does take a concerted effort to intentionally heal. I see way too many people who unintentionally choose to never heal. They remain angry and bitter. Instead of growing from the pain, they become crippled by it. They may go on to other relationships but often they are just "fixes" for the addiction and the cycle begins again.
I am intentionally striving to grow from my pain. To give my pain some validity and worth. If I don't grow from my pain and become a better me then it will all have just been a waste of time and I refuse to accept that.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Boundaries seemed to be a theme today. I don't necessarily mean boundaries as much as keeping others from trespassing all over you...but the responsibility to have enough self-definition in that you have something to be true and integrous toward. Something you can know and be...in that when you are challenged by said trespassers, you know how you are composed and can best filter out b.s, manipulation, guilt trips, etc...or just others who think they know who you are and know what is best for you.

A large part of poor boundary setting, I believe, can be dismantled by what we think of ourselves...or rather...disarming the lies and false belief systems that we may establish our identity from. Anyway...it's been a theme...as I noticed big shift in my behavior today that was different. I acted with more confidence and a a far healthier attitude towards myself...and I could tell others were reacting to me differently. It wasn't false or a fake-it-'til-you-make-it action...something has shifted.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

FS, so true. The thing about boundaries are without them you aren't even aware that others are trespassing all over you. That, I think, is one of the real issues most of us have coming out of divorces. A common theme seems to be that many of us tried to eliminate, unconditionally, our boundaries in order to form that perfect union with another. By eliminating the conditions associated with our boundaries between our selves and our SO, we left ourselves vulnerable to being violated and trespassed on. Then we are devastated when they leave.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Glad to see you posting again FS. Glad you're back at work. Normalcy awaits...


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