# Know I need to leave, but worried about my child



## Jessa72 (Jul 28, 2014)

Hello,
I've been married for 13 years to a professional man in the medical field that has been emotionally and verbally abusive since I've known him. I naively thought he would change after marriage, change after a baby, change after this or that. Denial, denial... We struggled financially for the first 10 years, in which he was paying huge student loans, dealing with bad credit, etc. I worked the entire time as a bartender and supported us as he finished school. 

The entire time the plan was for is to get pregnant and I would stay home and raise out child. 4 years ago we were blessed with a daughter. The day I found out I was pregnant, he literally pulled almost all affection away from me, and refused to have sex with me. I had a difficult pregnancy, so I really didn't mind at the time, but he never had a desire for me again. We literally have probably had sex maybe 10 times since my daughter was born 4 years ago. I was very slender and petite before baby, then of course went through the normal changes a pregnant woman goes through. 

After the baby was born, he would go out all night long, with no regards to how that made me feel. I suffered severe post partum, went to a therapist , and got on meds. I finally got my husband to go to the therapist with me, and he raised his voice and fought with me right in the office during our session, and would not go back. The therapist in turn, told me my husband was very troubled and I should really consider leaving him. 

I eventuallyleave for 2 months and went to the next state over to stay with my mom. He got a very high priced attorney and I was legally forced back to his home state...well I actually caved at the point that I realized I was going to be forced back. I asked for his "forgiveness", just because I was absolutely petrified at that point that my child may be taken away. I was told by my attorney in my mother's state that I would most likely have to return to his state, or my child would be returned to him without me. This entire episode scarred me terribly, and ever since, I am frightened to the bone that he can somehow keep me from my daughter. I know in reality he cannot, but the stress of that happening has kept me in this awful marriage. 

I lost tons of weight during this time, got below my pre baby weight even, yet he still will make terrible remarks about my body. Now my breasts aren't right, my body isn't right, even my hair wasn't blonde enough...he made it clear that he was initially attracted to me for appearance only, and I just am not 26 anymore. I work out regularly, am told many times that I look great for my age. I'm not overweight. Not that any of that should matter, but it obviously does very much to him. I honestly don't think I could ever look the way he desires, as no matter what I do, I cannot be 26 again...I spend a lot of time and money trying to improve myself, and it doesn't matter to him. 


Jump forward to last summer...we moved back to a place I had lived previously before I met him. I was overjoyed at this move, had no friends in his home state, was very isolated.. I have several female friends here. I'm invited to do some social things. He blows up ever time I do something. Which is still very rare, but it's clear he does not want me to have friends. He will tell me it's absolutely fine for me to go to a girls dinner, but then he will pick a fight with me while I get ready, then treat me terribly the next day. I refuse to give up having friends. I don't want to be in that position ever again, alone like that. This weekend a girlfriend had a birthday dinner at her house, and I "asked for permission" like I always do, weeks ahead of time. He told me it was absolutely fine for me to go. 

I got home at 12:30 and he called me every name in the book when I got home. I felt very threatened. I begged him to stop, that he would wake our daughter, and he did not care. She did wake up crying, scared. I locked myself in her bedroom and rocked her back to sleep. Then I slept in the bed with her that night. Felt fearful to even come out of the room. 

This is where my HUGE fear comes in to play..I know if I leave him, he will have custody of her on the weekends. I'm petrified of not being there with her. I have seen him get angry with her, a 4 year old, when she doesn't want to jump and do what he wants to do.. He has said that we "both can **** off." That kind of thing .I don't want to be away from her every single weekend. I worry about his moods. That has kept me from leaving him. I really just don't know what to do. I feel stuck. 

I am a SAHM, I had just enrolled to take some courses to go towards my unfinished degree while me daughter would be in pre-k. Now I feel like I may not be able to attend, if I leave him. I will need a job. I want to do what's best for my daughter. I just don't know how to deal with his abuse anymore, and how he is trying to keep me from having friends. I'm absolutely miserable when he's home. 

Oh, and he constantly throws the fact that he "pays for everything" and I "do nothing" in my face. My lack of a college education is another thing he also throws in my face.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Please edit your post and add some paragraph spacing. It's very hard to read a wall of text. So few people will actually read your post.


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## Jessa72 (Jul 28, 2014)

I apologize, I was typing as it was going through my head. Run-on sentences galore.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think you married my ex.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jessa72 said:


> I apologize, I was typing as it was going through my head. Run-on sentences galore.


Just add some white space every few sentences. You don't have to make it English class perfect.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Just add some white space every few sentences.* You don't have to make it English class perfect.*


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ok, I was married to a guy decided to go to med school. So I supported him through med school and residency.He also seemed to lose interest in me as soon as we had a child. He was a LOT like your husband. 

The first time I left him, he got his attorney to call an emergency court hearing and the judge ordered our son returned to the family home with his father. Our son was 3.5 years old. There was no way I was going to let an abusive man have custody of my son. So I moved back in with my ex. It took me 4 more years to build a case so that I could leave and have primary custody.

So I get what you are up against.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does your husband ever do things like throw things, break things, punch holes in walls, etc? Does he ever hit you, push you, etc?


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## Jessa72 (Jul 28, 2014)

Wow! That sounds JUST like him. So many of my friends were like, "that's not possible, that can't happen, I have my child in another state, etc.". But when I consulted an attorney in my mother's home state where I was staying, they said that was EXACTLY what could happen. 


My husband doesn't hit me, but he has shoved me. In fact we had several physical fights before I got pregnant. He will shove and twist my arm. He used to punch holes in walls when he was younger, but he seems to have grown out of that. He has pushed me maybe 3-4 times during horrible fights since my daughter was born. I know better to walk away now when I feel it could escalate to that, and lock myself in the bedroom. Unlike when I was younger and childless, I would fight back. 

He did punch a man in the face when he was out walking our dog a couple years ago. It was very early in the morning, and he took the dog for a walk by himself before work. According to him, this guy weaved over and tapped our dog in the rear with his car, then almost didn't stop. Then the guy does stop, and my husband punches him in the face and he needs stitches. The guy took my husband to court, and apparently was rewarded $5,000. 

This entire incident was hidden from me for months, until I opened a letter from an attorney that came in the mail one day. He is prone to violence. I do feel "afraid" of him and how he may react when I do something he doesn't approve of. Such as going out with a girlfriend. Or several times he will pick something my daughter says or something odd, and twist into "you are cheating", and I am so unprepared, I get very nervous and then he says I'm acting guilty. But the things he accuses me are absolutely crazy, and completely made up. He's definitely not completely right in the head. He grew up with a father that abused, and continues to abuse his mother to this day. 

The sickening part, is in his professional life, everyone just loves him. Thinks he's the greatest. He really turns on the charm. Completely different person. Ugh..


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jessa72 said:


> Wow! That sounds JUST like him. So many of my friends were like, "that's not possible, that can't happen, I have my child in another state, etc.". But when I consulted an attorney in my mother's home state where I was staying, they said that was EXACTLY what could happen.


Most of the time, the parent who is left behind just does nothing. That’s why the parent who leaves the state gets away with it. Or they get the left behind parent to agree to a parenting plan that is across state lines.



Jessa72 said:


> My husband doesn't hit me, but he has shoved me. In fact we had several physical fights before I got pregnant. He will shove and twist my arm. He used to punch holes in walls when he was younger, but he seems to have grown out of that. He has pushed me maybe 3-4 times during horrible fights since my daughter was born.


Shoving, twisting your arm, punching holes in walls, etc. Those are all physical abuse. Of time he would escalate to more violence. One time when things got very bad, I had our son in my arms. My husband started one of his angry attacks. Besides yelling/screaming he started shoving me into the wall. I told this to the police. They told me that if my son got hurt they would not care that my husband was being abusive. They would just take my son away and we would most likely lose parental rights. Keep this in mind. It’s your job to protect your child.



Jessa72 said:


> I know better to walk away now when I feel it could escalate to that, and lock myself in the bedroom. Unlike when I was younger and childless, I would fight back.


You have been very smart to walk away and lock yourself in the in the bedroom. Do you have your daughter with you when you do this? Make sure you do. Do not leave her with an angry person.



Jessa72 said:


> He did punch a man in the face when he was out walking our dog a couple years ago. It was very early in the morning, and he took the dog for a walk by himself before work. According to him, this guy weaved over and tapped our dog in the rear with his car, then almost didn't stop. Then the guy does stop, and my husband punches him in the face and he needs stitches. The guy took my husband to court, and apparently was rewarded $5,000. This entire incident was hidden from me for months, until I opened a letter from an attorney that came in the mail one day.


Hm, I guess that’s the beginning of a legal trail that you need. Now some might argue that the guy went out of his way to hit your dog so your husband might have been justified. Who knows? But it’s still a legal record.

I wonder what else he’s hidden from you. Have you ever done a search of the court cases and police records where you live? It might be something you want to do.



Jessa72 said:


> He is prone to violence. I do feel "afraid" of him and how he may react when I do something he doesn't approve of. Such as going out with a girlfriend. Or several times he will pick something my daughter says or something odd, and twist into "you are cheating", and I am so unprepared, I get very nervous and then he says I'm acting guilty. But the things he accuses me are absolutely crazy, and completely made up. He's definitely not completely right in the head. He grew up with a father that abused, and continues to abuse his mother to this day.


So he’s still being verbally/emotionally abusive to you, right?



Jessa72 said:


> The sickening part, is in his professional life, everyone just loves him. Thinks he's the greatest. He really turns on the charm. Completely different person. Ugh..


Like I said, you married my ex. Same thing, except my ex never accused me of cheating. Though he did cheat through our entire marriage. I just did not find out until near the end.

Have you been to any counseling for the abuse? It sounds like you have not. I suggest that you find an organization in your area that specialized in domestic abuse. They can help you in many ways.

Are you using a home computer right now? 

Does your husband have access to the computer you're using?


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## Jessa72 (Jul 28, 2014)

Thanks for the reply..
Whenever our fight escalates to this ugly stage, I always take my daughter with me into m bedroom and her and I sleep in there for the night. I won't even come out for a drink or a snack until I hear the door to the spare bedroom close, then I sneak out quietly to the kitchen. I feel like a prisoner basically. Afraid in my own home. 

As far as the incident with the dog, I agree, I wasn't there so I didn't really have much to say on that matter of whether he was right or wrong. I did think in my head that perhaps he should have called the police rather than hit the guy, and could have avoided that judgement against him, etc. But I kept that opinion to myself. I was more concerned as to why he hid it from me. I have snooped around for any public record on him, and I have yet to find anything.

He is still verbally abusive, yes. We can go about 2 weeks with things being "ok", then a blow up happens. We both enjoy doing things as a family with our daughter, so that's what has kept things afloat. Even during these "getting along" times, he will crack jokes at my expense a lot, basically about my intelligence, making me feel dumb and inferior to him. He never ever refers to me in a positive way. 


He thinks his joking is all in good fun, but I obviously have been offended by it. I've even had a mutual friend point out privately to me that she didn't like how he did that. I was so used to it, I was actually surprised that someone noticed. He tries to make out like its a big joke and all, and I of course don't want to start a fight with him over it, so I go along. Usually try to just change the subject.

I think you are definitely right, I know I need some counseling on domestic abuse. I know I am abused, and I am embarrassed with what I put up with. My friends know somewhat what's going on, but not nearly how bad it is. I keep that all to myself. Today has been a very rough day for me, very depressed about the situation. Feeling sorry for myself and crying all day. 

I am thinking I may have to stick this out with him until my daughter is older, and build up a case against him as you did. I just do not see how I can leave her alone with him every single weekend at this point. I mean the man has had road rage before while her and I were both in the car. I wanted to call the police, but I am afraid of things escalating and somehow our daughter be taken like you said. I'm not sure what I should be doing in order to build my case?

I don't know how I'm going to even last faking it with this man. When he is angry with me, as he is now, my entire life feels turned upside down. I am so worried about everything, that I cannot even enjoy my day alone with my daughter. I know his angry face is going to show up at night. 


I need to know how to go on with my life and have happiness without being in fear if him, and having him take everything from me. When he isn't fighting with me, I feel very motivated, I exercise daily, get all the errands done, talk to friends and family. When he is like this, I become a recluse. I feel paralyzed. 

I'm on my own personal iPad, that has a security code my H does not know. He's never even attempted to use it, as we have a laptop computer here he uses. Still, I clear all my history on this, etc.

Feel very hopeless today.


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