# Separated and contemplating divorce??



## Free Heart (Jun 23, 2012)

I guess since im posting this im looking for some sort of advice on my separation .. me and my partner had been together nearly 4years and married for 1 and a half we were very happy and had always been very close , we had fought a lot of obstacles and supported each other through thick and thin ... and at the time i thought there was nothing we couldn't get through together . Being young didn't help i think .. but i have always followed my heart although my family thought i shouldn't be so naive . Anyways six months into our marriage I fell pregnant and because of the financial strain it would have our family and working life ( since I already had a 5year old daughter from a previous relationship) we had decided it would not be ideal to start a family just yet .. as a mother already it was a very hard dream for me to go without but there were just to many if's ... after that experience i went straight back to work and forgot it seemed for months .. it wasn't till 9months later i felt not like myself i tried to voice these worries and thoughts to my husband but he would assure me I wasn't crazy I didn't need to see a doctor or counselling and that I was fine ... I started feeling very alone and almost crazy like being lost and because he couldn't comprehend what i was going through made it worse almost like devaluing how i felt it seemed ... he works very long hours so he started spending less and less time with my daughter and I and almost ignoring me whenever i tried to talk to him about it ...I felt very needy at the time as u can imagine and he just seemed not interested he would come home sit on the couch and play his xbox game for hours while id just get home from work and picking up my daughter and be expected to cook dinner and take care of my child ( which I do gladly) and I would sometimes ask him could u come talk with me while i cooked he didn't want to , cook you help me do dinner no it didn't want to do that either the only time he got up from the couch was to eat dinner with us and then he be straight back on the game ...id be exhausted doing everythingelse cooking,cleaning,lunches,breakfast week after week i felt like i got no time just to relax or just have him just take control of the household all the budget , bills ,finances i worked out for him he just had to ask me ... i would try organising family outings he would always just end up breaking them to stay home on his game his idea of spending time was me sitting with him while he played his games ...After months of crying to my friends and trying to talk to him the arguments and fights got worse instead of letting things go i ended up kicking him out at one stage and talking to his parents about him staying there ....his mother couldn't understand why it had got this bad between us because they didn't know the full story.....when i was at my end i ended up talking his father what had happened 6months into our marriage and he was very heartbroken about it ... i had held it in so long because he had told me not to tell our parents or he would not speak to me ... this made him very angry as you can imagine and ever since then he has moved out , played pitty games , said really stupid things to me and acted like i might of never existed ... for the last week he was with me he was very cold , blamed me for everything and told me it was my fault because i kicked him out and told his parents etc I tried what i thought everything to make it work i compromised ..did as he asked ..tried to talk him into counselling .. tried to get our family to give us some guidance but he would agree then refuse and then be mad and tell us all to stay out of it ... so i was definitely at a dead loss he was the one who saw a lawyer and got a separation agreement .. i cried for 5days in front of him begging for him to reconsider but he refused and got angry and said this is what i wanted cause i had kicked him out ... in all honesty i knew i played my part and i tried apologizing for that but he never accepted it ...he has never apologized for his part because to him he did nothing and said nothing wrong ...i just want to be free from this now I've tried to talk to him again hoping we could be civil but he turned it into a fight and hung up on me told me there was no ****ing way we could work on our marriage right now and that i need to be with someone else to see he wasn't that bad ...so im pretty sure that's the end then ... i guess im asking did i do the right thing in all this ??


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## HiMaint57 (May 24, 2012)

Hi Free Heart -- I'm fairly new to this site but I've learned that for long posts you have to use paragraphs or your post may not be read. Just FYI.

You're saying that 6 months into your marriage, you had an abortion, right? It is completely normal to feel guilt, depression --as you say a "lost" feeling. And often these feelings don't come on until months, even years after the abortion. It's sad that your husband wasn't able to see what you were going through, but a lot of times men think that once a decision has been made, let's move on. And maybe since you seemed OK with the decision when it happened, he couldn't "get" how you could suddenly be so upset about it. But like I said, that is normal -- kind of like post-traumatic stress. I would definitely say get counseling or join a support group to deal with your feelings, because they won't go away on their own. Your husband may also be dealing with similar feelings about the abortion but isn't voicing them for whatever reason.

It sounds like either your husband had or has an addiction to video games, or he was so uncomfortable with your feelings (and not being able to understand them) that he played games rather than interact with you. I don't understand why he said he wouldn't speak to you if you told the parents -- it is your business, but if you felt you needed to talk to someone and you weren't able to share your feelings with him, then I don't blame you.

Sounds like you did what you could to save the marriage. I would let it rest for a while -- no contact with him, no begging, no trying to be civil -- just let it rest. In time he may be more rational and open to counseling for both of you.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

When it comes to separation or divorce, everyone wants to be on the initiating end because being left or one's spouse being the one who initiates the separation/divorce makes a person feel like they were unwanted and thrown away. They then become desperate to change themselves. You were the first to initiate by making him leave. Now, he has turned that around and placed you on the receiving end. But, he could only do that because you caved. You didn't stand your ground. The possibility of losing your husband made you forget why you kicked him out in the first place. You had your reasons. You had good reasons. Try to remember that, rather than allowing him to guilt you into thinking you are the one who did something wrong when you did what needed to be done. 

I realize you probably didn't want the marriage to end when you kicked him out. You likely just wanted to get his attention and wake him up. The thing about doing that is you have to consider it might work out to be the end and be willing to accept that fact. In advance of making that decision, you have to decide if your reasons for wanting him to leave are reasons enough to end the marriage. You acted hastily and are now frought with regret because he didn't beg his way back in.

One thing is to calm down and wait him out. He might begin to change his mind. Don't call him anymore or try to contact him at all. Just give him whatever time he needs. He will call you if he wants to reconcile.

Yes, I think you did the right thing. I think you need to remember your reasons. You didn't have a marriage with him neglecting you and not engaging in his family. He wouldn't pay attention to you and kept ignoring and minimizing you. He even refused counseling, which was telling you he had no desire to change or apply himself to the marriage. The only thing he wanted to apply himself to was the sofa with a controller attached to his hands. 

It's very often men don't realize marriage takes work and they have to actually apply themselves to more than just wanting sex from their wife. There is a good chance he will come around and realize the mistake he's making. Just wait and see, but don't be too quick to take him back. You still have to remember why you wanted him to leave. So, reconcilation should be dependent on him promising to work on improving the marriage, and that includes going to marriage counseling.


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## Free Heart (Jun 23, 2012)

I am very new to this posting business and thank you for the
advice ....I just don't want all the time and history we spent together to end up back at square one for the sake of the friendship we once had ...it has been very hard for my daughter as well he spent 3years in her life they were very close and now he prefers not to see her or speak to her because a lawyer told him not too and that makes me very sad for her ...she often tells me she misses him and I assure her we have each other and that's all we need...

Thank you River1977 for reminding me for the reason for wanting us to be apart ..I guess I didn't handle it as well as I should of emotionally I wasn't ready to face it all but he kinda knows how to bring that out in me its almost dealing we a sarcastically smug older brother when he doesn't get his way ..

Although I worry terribly about my marriage I actually love being by myself Im happy, content and hopeful for the future whatever that may mean and I guess in my own way preparing for the worst case scenario


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## Shootables (Jun 21, 2012)

Free Heart, You have significant feelings about the A right that just came up 9 months after the fact, but I guarantee you that you are not the only one. Sure he may have agreed at an intellectual level that it was the practical thing to do because of economics or whatever but I can tell you at an emotional level it cut at your husbands deep seeded need to be a PROVIDER for his family. The A is a cold slap in the face that he is not a good provider to his ego. Then you compound the problem by blabbing to his family THAT HE IS NOT A GOOD PROVIDER! That is serious humiliation to a man. From that point on his behavior is going to be a chain of resentment. Of coarse he is going to withdrawal because his self esteem is at the level of the ground by now. It is logical he would avoid counseling. He needs more piling on that he is not capable of providing for; his family, his baby? 

The good news is I believe these issues are fixable. A good start would be apologizing to your husband about telling his family about the A.( in writing and take full responsibility for it being the wrong thing to do. Don't add a justification) and then in your own mind forgive him for any nonsense he was spewing since the separation. It was all meaningless BS that a desperate person does to protect their EGO. Be patient with him, acknowledge his feelings, no matter how much your feelings hurt and guess what? Once he feels you have empathy for his feelings ( even though he never expresses them) I believe he will have empathy for yours and he will be more willing to discuss the honest issues your relationship faces. Maybe even in counseling. Good Luck.


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## Free Heart (Jun 23, 2012)

Hi shootables 
I understand what you are saying but I didn't talk to his family untill after I had kicked him out and he had returned home and we had tried to sort it out and then when it got worse i even removed myself from the situation and went to my mothers with my daughter giving him time to himself ..

I even had to put up with his mother ringing and arguing with me because i didn't know whether i wanted him home yet and she thought i was being unreasonable and even then I burst into tears and still said nothing about it to her to spare her feelings and he knew all that and let it happen....

and it wasn't untill I had had enough 
and his father had rang to speak with me and I broke down into tears and told him believe me I knew this could hurt my husbands feelings but I had tried to be the stronge one and walk around like everything was fine but the more he denied my feelings the more devalued I felt as his wife .

I admit what you have said about him being the provider really opened my eyes and I never saw it that way from his point of view and I never saw him as not a good provider and the reason why we couldn't have children at all ...Again he never like to communicate his problems to me and he has said that to me ...even though I had asked him to share it with me because we are a team but he never would.


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## Shootables (Jun 21, 2012)

Free Heart,

The first three paragraphs are "Justifying" your actions. Very legitimate reasons and I understand. His family is way too involved all the blame was placed on you You felt cornered. I get it. My suggestion of a written apology is just to get the lines of communication open again not keep score of right and wrong. The telling the parents, although humiliating to your husband is just a minor roadblock in my opinion to the major problem of the grief you feel over the A and your husbands reaction to that grief. That is why I think if you take the first step and write a short apology note on a card it could do wonders for opening a line of communication. 

Dear husband,
It was wrong for me to tell your parents. I am sorry I hurt you. Please forgive me.
Wify.

Short sweet no justification just an apology. I think you will see a 180 in his behavior. If not then you probably have an answer to your topic title.


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## Free Heart (Jun 23, 2012)

Thanks shootables
I did try your approach and wrote an apology letter no justifying,

I really doubt I will get a reply back but that's okay ! Im prepared 

for the backlash and as you said I will get my answer!

I didn't write wife , he doesn't see us as that anymore he told me 

in our last conversation that we are pretty much not married we 

are separated and no longer belong to each other which no doubt 

he said out of hurt and anger .


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## Shootables (Jun 21, 2012)

Give him time. Everything he says as you say is from his hurt and is just an attempt to hurt you and protect his fragile ego. The apology will be a shock and suddenly what he has been telling himself was an unforgivable betrayal on your part will seem not so unforgivable anymore and a lot of the bluster and grandstanding on his part will be greatly muted. Be prepared for an adult discussion about your relationship. Either way I think your apology was a very mature thing to do. The tennis ball is on his side of the court now.


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## Free Heart (Jun 23, 2012)

Thanks Shootables 
believe it or not but he texted me and said Thank you for the email

and it meant alot to him ... I was totally surprised id got a reply

it definitely broke the ice between us so im trying not to rush back 

into to much of a conversation just because I know hes not ready 

to deal with that yet but im just happy he received my email in a 

positive light .


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## Shootables (Jun 21, 2012)

I am not surprised at all. The good thing is all his negative self talk will be toned down and he will be able to interact with you from a place that is not the hurt little boy. I think it is wise of you to limit conversation and definitely don't get into the heavy duty issues for awhile. Need to be patient. 

In addition to all that, you are now in a very exclusive club. The number of women who have given an unconditional apology is quite a select group.That does not happen too often.


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## Free Heart (Jun 23, 2012)

Thanks Shootables thats really kind of you !

So im back on here to update my situation

its been good so far work helps pass the time and keep the 

thought off my mind.. my ex still texts me only to sort 

finances and sometimes ill randomly text just to ask home he is 

nothing to indepth or serious... the other weekend he rang me randomly
on my day off to ask how i was and then ended up turning up at my house(he didnt even say he was coming over)

he wanted me to think about going back to uni since its something

ive always wanted to do but because of our circumstances together 

it made it hard financially...it was a really nice talk it was like meeting

the guy i fell in love with which was nice to see.. hes doing really well

changing his life around and im happy to see him happy

I know I shouldnt hope for a reconcilliation and im trying to let it go

but man is it hard I couldnt dream of dating anyoneelse in my frame of mind 

And hes said to me to date other people so I can see hes not that bad 

But im just not the sort of person morally it doesnt sit very well with me

and although we said we can date while we are separate I just don't think it would be right!

Like I think if he started dating someone else for me our marriage 

would be over I wont probably shut my heart and walk away as 

painful as that would be for me he just wouldn't be that person

and I know I shouldn't think of this stuff but boy! does it like to 

torment you I need like a shut off bottom LOL


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