# Baby Momma doesnt believe we are poor



## MotherNature

Background. Hubby and I are recovering addicts. We both have 7 years clean. The past 7 years has been a continuing process to put our lives back together and right the wrongs. One of my husbands was a daughter he only just met last year. She turns 11 tjis year. We stuggle financially big time. We have 4 children at the house and my husband is a felon so getting work is very hard for him (he is obe of the most hardworking men I know and he is constantly trying to bring in money) I had trouble with working because of daycare cost and we couldnt get assistance because we were married and they said one of us can stay home with the kids. We are on food stamps and I have a very strict and tight budget I work with to make sure our bills are paid. The only rwason we were able to get our house is because we did owner financing and the guy took 50k off the price of the house and lowered the mortgage payments for us so it was cheaper than renting. We were living in a 2 bedroom cottage/shack with no ac in texas with 4 kids. We are trying very hard to provide for our kids and they are denied alot because of finances. We do our best to pay child support. We pay over what we are supposed to to make up for when hubby wasnt paying. 

So to today. We have had a hard start to the summer and are lacking financially bigtime. I found a job that would work withy schedual with the kids and my husbands off and on work. So I can bring in more money. Well Baby Momma asks why we havnt sent child support this month and hubby tells her we are trying and I just got a job so we can pay. She basically doesnt believe that we are struggling amd starts saying how her daughter cant do summer sports now because of us and that we are leaving herdaughter out and ssheis suffering because of it. 

It makes me so mad because im struggling to keep a roof over the kids who are with us full time and she is complaining her daughter cant do summer sports. My kids cant do them either. Its like she thinks my kids have some extravagant life and we are denying her daughter. When I actuality we are saving every penny we can so we can have gas money to go see her this summer and she can visit with her dad (they live in another state) Everything and I mean everything my kids get to do is because someone else helped. Their Christmas presents were bought by my cousin. Their summer camp by my aunt. School clothes by my parent. My parents lent me the money to buy a van so I could fit all my kids in one vehicle because all we had was a rickety old truck that we cant drive right now because the inspection is out and we dont have the money to fix it. 

I didnt even keep our tax return...I gave it all to Baby Momma for my husbamds daughter. I mean its not like we arent trying to give her money. We just dont have it right now and she doesnt believe us. Its so frustrating.

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## EnjoliWoman

I assume you have unlimited data plan on your Android phone. If you give that up, you can get a land line for about $10 a month.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Maybe this summer when your stepdaughter visits she can see that her half-siblings don't have it better than she does and she'll report back to Mom on her own.

I commend you for putting your lives back together and working hard to make a good, honest life for you and your kids. What are their ages? Things should ease up as they get a little older and childcare isn't as much of an issue. 

I realize the stepchild has not had support for a very long time with her father in jail and/or working sporadically. I think it's great that you are trying to make it up to her now. My guess is the mother is resentful that she had to provide on her own for a very long time and it was probably hard for her, too. Now that she is getting some extra money she's thinking more about the times she didn't receive support. Kudos to you for even turning over your tax refund.

Keep at it - things will get easier. The kids will get older and can get jobs mowing, babysitting, dog sitting... and they will appreciate everything they have because the understand the value of money.

Meanwhile, I also hope you are doing everything you can to avoid another child. Children are wonderful but if you can't provide for the ones you have without help, probably stopping at one or two would have been wise.


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## EleGirl

Has your husband known about this daughter all along, or did he find out about her more recently?

If your husband is not making any money, then he should be able to petition the court to lower the support he has to pay.

Usually the spouses income (yours) is not taken into consideration in calculating child support.

I really feel badly for his daughter but it sounds like you have it very hard.


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## MotherNature

We have to have the data on our phones so the older kids can do their school work. The school even tried to get us to buy tablets for the lids because they dont do computer labs anymore. Its ridiculous. But we have tried to lower our bills in other ways. We had a well put in so we dont have to pay for water, we put solar screens all over the house and our electeic bill has been doing really well since we did that. I try to home make everything we eat so our grocery bill is lower. Ive even started gardning to lower that cost. Along with the new job I start next week, Hubby and I started a business which my grandparents graciously loaned us the money to get started. But starting any business is slow and we havnt seen a return yet. But we have a great business pla. Amd by Christmas I see it fully paid back with profit. Plus with Hubby being a felon owning his own business is really his only option with a job. We petitioned the court before to lower child support to a more managable amount but they said no. We arent trying to run from his responsibility, we are really trying to pay and be involved in her life. Our kids write her letters and hubby will text her. It hurts because we want to give her all the money and give the daughter everything she wants and the mom is just trying to hurt us when we are really doing everything we can to pay. 

We have already decided no more kids. Our youngest was a complete suprise and we are trying to get some kind of assistance for Hubby to get a vasectomy because as you can see we cant even afford the kids we have. The ages of the kids we have at home are 16, 14, 4, and1. My husband was married before at a very young age and after the divorce he took on all 4 kids from that marriage. Then had a relationship with this baby momma for 1 month and their daughter was the result, she moved away and had no contact. Hubby didnt know how to find her. Plus he was in his addiction at the time and made stupid decisions. I try not to judge too much because I see the effort he makes now to become a better more responsible person. 

Its just hard and I needed to vent it out. We will just keep on trying and hopefully my new job will give us a boost financially where we can make payments on time
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## PBear

Why did the courts say no to reducing his support?

C
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## Malpheous

Curious. 

1.) They had a 1 month relationship.
2.) Husband was using recreational drugs at the time.
3.) Woman disappears with no contact.
4.) 10 years later a child appears.

How was paternity established? I'm assuming a DNA test has been completed and he was confirmed as the father?

If so, what sort of parenting time does he get?

Have you guys run your husband's income through the state CS calculator to confirm the amount begin paid?

To echo PBear. Why did the judge toss the motion to evaluate the support amounts?


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## MotherNature

They wouldnt allow me in the room. But from what I gather from him is that he is still bringing in what a minimum wage worker isand it has to be 20% lower than that to get a reduction. Even though he is fully supporting 4 other kids. I dont quite understand but maybe its for the best. We just have to figure out how to pay consistantly. Things can only go up.
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## MotherNature

Mother filed for childsupport when the daughter was born and hubby didnt question it. They did the mediation over the phone since she was already in another state. We had considered getting a dna done but once we saw pictures and met her there really isnt a question if she is his or not. She looks almost identical to him.
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## MotherNature

We have only met her once. No custody arrangement was made. But mother is letting us have her for a few weeks during the summer. We dont want to go all courthouse on her because we have to think about his daughter too. This is alot for her and we want to see her and be in contact with her but we arent going to force her and her mom has been doing this with out hubby and we want her to be comfortable too. But hopefully after this summer we can get an agreement on visitation. Which might be difficult because they do live in another state
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## PBear

Ok... I'm not trying to be harsh, but...

Your husband has a lifetime of making poor decisions that make his (and yours, and the kid's) life hard. The fact that his has 4 other kids to support is nobody's fault but his own. Two of those kids were born after the daughter in question. So why should the "baby momma" (I personally hate that term, but whatever) and her child have their quality of life lowered by his continued bad decisions?

In any case, it's not just the "baby momma" who doesn't buy that you can't pay what's owed. It's also the family court system. 

Btw, what's the "baby momma's" situation? Is she working? How many other kids does she have, if any?

C
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## PBear

Btw, I should say... It SEEMS that your husband has a lifetime of making bad choices that negatively affect his life and that of the people around him. I don't know him or his story beyond the limited amount you've shared in this thread. 

C
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## MotherNature

I get where you are coming from. He takes full responsibility for the fact he did wrong and wants to make it right. The mother has a job and 1 other child who graduated and moved out. We dont want to lower the quality of life of the daughter....but we have to provide for all kids. We cant make 4 kids homeless just so one can do summer sports. We have been paying over all year and Hubby lost the gig he was working amd we werent able to pay this last month. Thats what she is mad about. We have been trying to send something every month. But if we miss one month its like all that effort is all for naught with her. We cant do anything about what is already done. Im extremely proud of my husband. From who he was to who he is now. Its a complete change. He cant take back all his kids, he cant take back his jail time. But he can do the next right thing and thats what he does.
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## PBear

Is your husband getting support from the mother of the other kids? How many are his from another mother?

C
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## MotherNature

The mother of the other kids passed away years ago. She never contributed to the kids support.
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## PBear

That sucks. And I take it none of her family (parents, etc) have chipped in?

C
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## MotherNature

No the mother of the other kids, mother passed a month after she did. And their stepfather left state and dropped oit of their lives. He was abusive so we didnt let the kids have contact with him anyways. They have no other relatives on their mothers side that we have anyIinformation on. All they have is us and my family and my husbands family.
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## Malpheous

That's quaint that the child looks just like him. 

A good friend here at work went through IVF and now has a pair of 9 year old twins. One looks just like his daddy. The other? People joke about how much he looks like me. But I can guarantee that if you did a DNA test it would support that I'm not his father.

Back in the mid 90s an old 'friend' came to me with a child she swore was mine. Timing was right and everything. Had similar features. Paid for a DNA test even. Not mine.

When you have the number of mouths to feed that you do. The history of questionable decisions that exists. Sometimes it's best to say "prove it" when someone say "here, this is yours and you owe me".


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## EleGirl

MotherNature said:


> Mother filed for childsupport when the daughter was born and hubby didnt question it. They did the mediation over the phone since she was already in another state. We had considered getting a dna done but once we saw pictures and met her there really isnt a question if she is his or not. She looks almost identical to him.


People have always said that my son looks just like me.. 

He's adopted.


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## EnjoliWoman

LOL Ele... same for me - I look just like my Dad but I'm adopted. So yes, a DNA test should be done.

MotherNature, since the kids' mother passed I hope you filed for SS for the kids. I know a girl whose mother died when she was 12 and the state kicks in the mother's share of "support" and the kids get a check every month. I don't see it mentioned so it's worth exploring.

I think it's fabulous that your husband has turned his life around and that you two are working as hard as you can. As a citizen paying taxes I must say this is exactly what I want my tax dollar to go to - to help people who are TRYING. It's the ones who complain while sitting on their butts I don't like getting handouts.

But the two older ones are quite capable of watching the younger ones. I'm glad you finally got work. But childcare isn't an issue. Everyone pitches in in a family.

BTW, often felons in my city work for the garbage collection service and they pay really well - better than a lot of other jobs because noone wants to collect garbage and ride on the back of the truck in the heat and the cold. But it's honest work and good pay. Just an idea!


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## EleGirl

EnjoliWoman said:


> *MotherNature, since the kids' mother passed I hope you filed for SS for the kids. I know a girl whose mother died when she was 12 and the state kicks in the mother's share of "support" and the kids get a check every month. I don't see it mentioned so it's worth exploring.*


Very good point here :iagree:


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## MotherNature

We did file for the ss. Only the 2 that live with us get it. It was taken into account when we filed for the child support adjustment. Thank God we have it or we would be in real deep water. We are living very frugal, hopefully this new job will give us the extra boost toprovide more for his daughter and the kids at home. 

The DNA test makes me nervous I dont want to offend the mother. But I can see the point.

The 16 year old is getting a summer job. Simply because he knows if he wants things he has to earn it because of our finances. So he cant watch the kids. The 14 year old is not responsible enough to watch the kids. I know she is 14 but her childhood was traumatic and she has the mentality of an 11 year old. 

Thank you for your replies, I know our situation is easy to judge. Sometimes I find myself jidging my husband on his past. But I see how hard he tries and I just have to keep pushing. I really think its just a hard month for us and we will get back up to making our payments on time. Just got upset that she jumped all over us because of one month when we really couldnt pay it.
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## EleGirl

MotherNature said:


> We did file for the ss. Only the 2 that live with us get it. It was taken into account when we filed for the child support adjustment. Thank God we have it or we would be in real deep water. We are living very frugal, hopefully this new job will give us the extra boost toprovide more for his daughter and the kids at home.
> 
> The DNA test makes me nervous I dont want to offend the mother. But I can see the point.
> 
> The 16 year old is getting a summer job. Simply because he knows if he wants things he has to earn it because of our finances. So he cant watch the kids. The 14 year old is not responsible enough to watch the kids. I know she is 14 but her childhood was traumatic and she has the mentality of an 11 year old.
> 
> Thank you for your replies, I know our situation is easy to judge. Sometimes I find myself jidging my husband on his past. But I see how hard he tries and I just have to keep pushing. I really think its just a hard month for us and we will get back up to making our payments on time. Just got upset that she jumped all over us because of one month when we really couldnt pay it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you are going to see the girl, you don't have to offend the mother. Just get a sample when the child is with you. Do a test first to see. If it comes out that he is not her father then pursue it legally. A new test will need to be taken but at least you will know that you have a case when you go to court.


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## Malpheous

MotherNature said:


> The DNA test makes me nervous I dont want to offend the mother. But I can see the point.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You don't want to offend the woman who is trying to bleed you to send the child that may not be his to summer sports camps? That's very nice of you. Not very practical. But quite nice.


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## Theseus

MotherNature said:


> They wouldnt allow me in the room. But from what I gather from him is that he is still bringing in what a minimum wage worker isand it has to be 20% lower than that to get a reduction. Even though he is fully supporting 4 other kids. I dont quite understand but maybe its for the best. We just have to figure out how to pay consistantly. Things can only go up.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And yet you are on food stamps? You just don't hear of too many people on food stamps who are also expected to provide for another child. 

Is the "baby momma" (I hate that word, it's so ghetto) on food stamps also? If not, I think you both need a better attorney fighting for you. It just doesn't make sense that they would consider his income only without considering that his is already supporting four other kids. 

And, like the others, I also think you need a DNA test. If you can't afford one, the "Maury" TV show will do it for free.


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## botti

I applaud you and your husband for working so hard to turn your situations around. 

Please hang in there - it will get easier. I would just let everything Baby Momma say go in one ear and out the other. You know your situation - you don't need her to validate your very real hardships.

I know you say you just got a new job and you just started a new business, but would it be possible to add another revenue stream like becoming a consultant for Jamberry, Jockey, Mary Kay, etc?


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## MotherNature

Yes we are on foodatamps...I do not know if the mother is. I do not suspect she is. When we met the child this year I overheard the mother mention they ate out alot.

We cant afford an attorney and the court would not appoint us one. We did do a consultation with an attorney for 50$ that we met at the courtroom. She said that we couldnt afford her and to just petition the court again

Ive tried being a consultant for Advocare and Mary Kay (I have a friend driving around a pink Cadillac right now for free) I jist cant sell the stuff....I mean maybe its my personality or something but I cant do it. I thought about selling my crochet items but with the kids I cant find time to finish a project half the time. I do groom dogs out ofy house buty client base isnt very big. But my new job is at a grooming salon that really wants me amd has hinted that they want me to take over managing so im hoping it will be a big blessing. Our new business is seasonal....we really wont be making big money till the fall so we are concentrating on other things we can do. I worked for a photography company for a while and have equipment so I try and advertise for photo sessions too. Hubby lost his job he had as a trim carpenter so right now he is selling wood crafts to a store that buys it from us. Thats where all our income is this month. He is also building some furniture for family too, trying to bring in some extra money. 

But we have to shell out 500 bucks to put a downpayment on dental work for our 14 year old. She was hit by a car and lost her front 4 teeth. She hasnt had teeth for her entire jr. High years and she is going into highschool. So we have to find a way to get her dental work done. I cant have her go to high school with no front teeth......which will add another 100 bucks a month for the payment plan. But the other mother is concerned about summer sports....I mean she is going to spend half her summer with us anyways....I dont see it as that huge a deal. Just the other month she got 2000 from us
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## EleGirl

Why $2,000 in one month? Is that mostly back child support.

While the child is with you this summer, do a DNA test.

Has your husband tried listing himself on Craigslist to do things like yard work, handyman work, etc? I often hire people off there. One guy I've used a few times, a college student, says that he advertises at the end of the semester and within a few weeks he has so much work that he's busy all summer. A lot of the work is word of mouth.

Is your income taken into consideration in calculating his child support?


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## MotherNature

The 2000 was from our tax return that I gave to her. And yes there is back child support so I try to pay over as much as I can. Its usually not that much but I try to pay somewhat over.

We did post an add on craigslist before. I havnt posted again. Right now we are working with one vehicle. His work truck has expired tagsand we cant aafford the repairs right now


Wow we really sound pathetic. I need to start this job soon...at the time we petitioned the court I was in college. I had tried going back to school. But I couldn't get daycare so I had to stop
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## MotherNature

In texas its really hard to get help. I mean I was told because we were married I couldnt get daycare assistance to go back to work. That only one of us needed to work. I was told I couldnt get Temporary assistance for needy families if we had any income whatsoever. Its like the people who are actually trying have to do it with minimal assistance or stop working and milk the system. Its a horrible cycle that we are trying to get out of. I want to save up for chickens so we can have eggs and meat. I was very involved in ffa amd know how to raise and butcher.
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## botti

Who hit your kid!? Why aren't they paying for the teeth, or their insurance?! Poor kid - I feel for her, and you, trying hard to get her teeth fixed. Is there a local dental school that can offer reduced fees?

Look into craft shows and run a constant CL ad for your husband's skills and wares. That could be a really big help. Also look into opening an Etsy shop for him. With your photography skills, you can take pictures to show his work off to best advantage.

This all SUCKS, but you are working hard. Your kid's teeth is more important than the other kid's summer activities. 

ALSO - I am positive that you should NOT have to pay child support while she is with you. Look into that! While on this subject, I will add that while I think it's great that you are trying to get caught up on the back pay, that's also kind of on HER for never coming around before now. Keep your tax returns and other extra money to stabilize your household finances. You have years to pay her back.

Lastly - I understand that you are wary of the DNA test because you have met and have love for this child. That is commendable. My two cents is to let this be your husband's choice, and whatever he decided, support him 100% and never question it again. 

Lastly-for-real - I know it is nearly impossible, but please try to make sure you are taking some time for self-care. Everything seems overwhelming, but it sounds like you have some good support in place and some good plans in place to improve your situation. Do not allow this other woman to infringe upon your happiness. It sounds like you already live simply and frugally. You are doing so many right things. Take pride in that, and let this woman's negativity roll off and away. It will bite her in the ass eventually.


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## botti

Has your husband considered writing his story and self-publishing on Amazon? It's super easy and cheap. 

8 Easy Ways to Put Some Extra Cash In Your Pocket

Side Job Ideas List | Side Job Ideas


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## MotherNature

Thank you for the help.

Story on step daughters accident: Her bio mom and her were walking to the store. Bio mom decides to just cross the 4 lane street (not at a cross light or stoplight just the middle of the street) they made it across 2 lanes before a car hit them in the 3rd lane because they did not see them behind the car in the second lane and werent expecting someone to come out from behind them. Bio mom pushed daughter before the car hit them and took the brunt of the hit. Daughter hit her mouth on the curb when her mom pushed her and her front 4 teeth were pushed up behind her sinus cavity. She had to have major surgery to remove them amd some bone in her face. Bio mom was in a medically induced coma for a month before she woke up. She died a year later from an infection in her brain cause by the tubes from when she was in a coma. It could have been treated but she was addicted to pain pills and simply masked all her pain and never went to the doctor so the infection just built and built for a year. When she caught pneumonia, the infection simply **** her body down amd she went brain dead from having to be resuscitated too much. We had to male a choice to pull the plug. 

We were in the crafy show circuit for a bit. Its very very hard. Especially with kids in school. Summer isnt a good time for them. We make more money selling to the store that buys from us and dont have the travel expenses. 

My mom called today and said she wanted to help me get ready for daughter because we pick her up on Sat. (Mother is meeting us halfway) She wants to buy us some things for her like new bed spread and stuff. And my aunt who is doing really well right now just gave us some money to help out with things the kids need. Its been a big blessing.
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## MotherNature

My husband isnt the writing type. He can barely spell. (Dropped out of school when he was 16 and got his ged) I have consodered writing about our lives....its just alot to concentrate on with the kids being so demanding. Ive also considered a blog
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## U.E. McGill

My cousin was a welfare mom for awhile. She got her degree and moved on to a better life. 

She was a master of finding grants and aid. She got her heat bill paid by catholic charities. She had a phone paid by the Jewish league. She went to the food bank. The list goes on. 

Don't hesitate to call any and every local church and charity there is. She added 200-300 bucks a month to her support. 

Now, she has a masters and is a social worker.


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