# Confronted husband about alcohol...he might choose it over marriage



## TxSizeFam

My husband is a functioning alcoholic. We've married a year (today). His ex wife told him he was an alcoholic and she went down the Al Anon path. I didn't realize he really was an alcoholic for a while and then thought it wasn't too bad and I could handle it. I can't. I can't handle the yelling fights that happen about once a week or so...and I'm 2 months pregnant. We also have 5 other children (mine and his). I finally decided I had to try an Al Anon meeting. When i told him this he said he wasn't going to do this again. He said he knew where it was going to go and he wasn't going to do it. I told him only I was going and wasn't asking him to go or to even stop drinking....that was his choice. He said he'd rather just end it now rather than having to go through that again.....He'd rather end our marriage with a baby on the way, than for me to go to meetings....?!?!?!? he also doesn't want me to go to a marriage counselor (even with out him), read self help books or research on line....I told him it sounded like he was afraid of having to admit to something. I told him all I wanted to do at this point was work on myself and learn about alcoholism and how to deal with it. My father was also a functioning alcoholic and I know i've beem codependent in relationships in the past. I can't continue to do that and to let my children learn to do that. We talked about it all night. i even tried to tell him that maybe I would discover that it wasn't the alcohol causing our fights. maybe I just needed to learn how to communicate with him better and listen better. He said maybe he just wasn't the guy for me or for anyone for that matter. He kept saying he's not going to do this again. That I wouldn't be able to learn how to deal with it and maybe he was just a jerk, alcohol or not (which isn't true...it's ONLY when he's drinking). he still kept talking about leaving/separating and even talked about what if we could go back to just being girfriend and boyfriend...WTH?!?!?! I'm pregnant. I want a family, not a boyfriend...

I know I should press on and still go to the meeting tomorrow. But there is also a book out there all about My Husband is Functioning Alcoholic....I was thinking that might be a good small step for now for me to get some info and direction I need with out him feeling too threatened by me being at meetings...maybe a good lead into meetings later????? What do you guys think?


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## 76Trombones

Get yourself all the support you can! Addiction is a horrible thing and you should not go through it alone! Books support groups, anything. Just get yourself a good support base. 

Unfortunately there is no way to entice your husband into stopping drinking or even being ok with you going to Alanon. He sounds neck-deep in denial at the moment. Basically, as hard as it sounds, there IS NO recovery for him until he is ready for it - as in, has admitted to himself that this is a problem, that it is affecting his life in many ways. A lot of alcoholics go for decades before they are able to admit this to themselves. Some never do - functioning or not. Some, it takes until they have physical symptoms from it (liver problems, organ damage, etc) because no matter what anybody says, the body doesn't lie. It really depends on the person. But him reacting like this to your going to Alanon gives me the distinct impression that he is still in full blown denial. At this point, there is really nothing you can do to convince him otherwise - denial is a powerful thing.

You need to look after yourself (especially because you are pregnant!) first and foremost. I would still suggest go to Alanon because they have a lot of good tips about not being an enabler and that will be really important. Also they can help you cope with what is happening at the time, and give you good, knowledgeable advice. You don't even need to tell your husband you are going - just do it!


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## crystal

:iagree: Yup - go to Al-anon. It is an amazing support group for you and you are going to need all the support you can get. You need to take care of yourself and your children first and foremost! Please do not put off getting the help you deserve b/c he might feel threatened. He feels that way b/c deep down he knows he has a problem, but is in denial and will not change until he is ready. There is no changing that.

My ex was furious that I was going to Al-anon meetings. He swore up and down he didn't have a problem most of the time. Going there was difficult, but at the same time, it was one of the most important decisions I've ever made. 

Do whatever you can to understand alcoholism and above all else, make sure you take care of the little ones!
Best of luck!
Crystal


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