# I Lied... now paying the cost.



## All4luv (May 25, 2018)

Hi all, I don’t have anyone to talk to. I think I’ve destroyed my marriage of almost 25 years over something so stupid! Last weekend my husband went on a short trip to visit family. My teenage daughter and I were left behind. I told him I’d probably go to the gym after dropping our daughter off to Saturday academic classes. He was fine with that. After dropping her off, I started for the gym which is about 20 mins. away. Distracted, I got in the wrong lane on the highway, so I was forced to go off route. Annoyed with myself, I get off at the next exit and ended up going to the grocery store. I didn’t want to spend any money, because our budget is tight. But I did, less than $50, but I felt a little worried that I’d be reprimanded for it if he knew. Tried not to stay long, but I bumped into a female friend and we talked for 15 mins! Ughhh... I decided not to go to the gym and went back home. The next day, my husband comes back and asks, “What did you work on at the gym?” I told him that I ended up not going to the gym after all. I said I got in the wrong lane and just decided to go home. He seemed a little suspicious and said, “Well on the Life 360 app, it said you got home at 9:40a. Did you get lost on the way back...That would have been the time you’ve gotten back from the gym.” I said I didn’t get lost, I was taken out of the way, so... I just went home. Next, he looks into the Life 360 app, which he uses for our safety and to locate our phones if ever left behind, and it showed him that I was at the grocery store for 20 minutes! I was caught in a lie!! I had omitted the fact that I stopped at the store. He was so angry with me and was disgusted at how easily I could lie to him. I don’t even know why I couldn’t tell him that I was there. Yes, I was afraid of what he would say. The day before, he lectured our daughter for spending money she had carried in school. I didn’t want to be the next victim. Now, (almost a week later) here I am. We barely speak, I’ve been crying for days, and I don’t know if this is the beginning of the end. He says that everything has changed. He no longer trusts me and finds it hard to forgive me. He doesn’t know how our marriage will survive this. For the kind of person he is, this was the ultimate, unforgivable sin. I don’t know what to do. Our lives our so intertwined, we work together from home, all that I have is because of him. I risked it all just to ‘protect my ego’. It was so selfish of me, but I let my fear get the best of me. Has anybody ever survived and moved on to have a strong bond (marriage) again after a betrayal? I’m devastated. He was never interested in counseling before nor do we have the funds to do such a thing. I don’t even know if he wants to save this marriage. Now he looks at me (when he does) with disgust and disappointment. Is there hope for us (me)? Thank you for your time. Any advice is certainly welcomed. I feel like a horrible person.... I know I was completely wrong.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

What kind of marriage is this that you are scared of your husband so much that you would lie rather than tell him you went to the grocery store.
You are in an emotionally abusive relationship (Look it up) and you need to get some counseling to try and figure out why you accept that this is your lot in life.Has he ever gotten physically violent with you or your children?
Tell your husband that if his behavior carries on then you will be talking to a lawyer.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

If I were married to your husband, I would take my daughter and be thankful this hell was over.

Does he isolate you from your family? How often does he hit you? Does he abuse your daughter?


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## All4luv (May 25, 2018)

Unfortunately, this is very real... 😪


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

All4luv said:


> Unfortunately, this is very real... 😪


Your husband is an abuser. Please go and talk to someone about what he is doing. The tracking of your whereabouts its oppressive and not normal. YOu should start making plans to leave him, his behaviour is not normal. Take your kid away from this environment.


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## All4luv (May 25, 2018)

Thank you for your responses. NO he is not abusive. He’s very supportive and always takes care of me and our daughter. We do everything together, working out at the gym, trips, he and I were very close! In my warped way of thinking, I didn’t want to hear his mouth about spending money, so I told a white lie. He’s upset for the fact that I lied! He’s never lied to me. I broke his trust. He’s an honorable man. I want to save this marriage. I was the one who jeopardized it all. I’m not scared of him, just didn’t want to complain.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

You sound like every woman who's been so beaten down and controlled that she has no voice or self left. He has controlled the self will out of you.

He doesn't HAVE to hit you.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

His response is way over the top, when I started reading your story I thought you did something extreme like having sex with his Uncle or something really bad. 

From what you wrote I would guess he is the kind of guy who never wants to be wrong and likes to blame others for his own failings. Probably puts on a nice front when others are around, but treats his family badly when the last guest walks out the door.

Tamat


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## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

aine said:


> Your husband is an abuser. Please go and talk to someone about what he is doing. The tracking of your whereabouts its oppressive and not normal. YOu should start making plans to leave him, his behaviour is not normal. Take your kid away from this environment.


He uses the Life 360 app to track their phones if they ever get lost.


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## All4luv (May 25, 2018)

He’s hurt and I betrayed his trust. I sometimes think that he overreacted, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’ve lied. We use Life 360 because there was a time when we’d lose our phones, especially our daughter. In emergencies it has also come in handy. He’s too busy to have to track me down. We are both committed to each other, or should I say (was)? He feels that all of his efforts in being he best husband he could be, went under appreciated. Folks, this was my fault. I just want to know if anyone has been though something like this. Have they been forgiven? I need to know if there’s hope for us. I know time can heal, but the damage has been done. I know he will bring this up at any argument we will ever have. No, it’s not a good way to live a life together. This will be my punishment.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

All4luv said:


> He’s hurt and I betrayed his trust. I sometimes think that he overreacted, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’ve lied. We use Life 360 because there was a time when we’d lose our phones, especially our daughter. In emergencies it has also come in handy. He’s too busy to have to track me down. We are both committed to each other, or should I say (was)? He feels that all of his efforts in being he best husband he could be, went under appreciated. Folks, this was my fault. I just want to know if anyone has been though something like this. Have they been forgiven? I need to know if there’s hope for us. I know time can heal, but the damage has been done. I know he will bring this up at any argument we will ever have. No, it’s not a good way to live a life together. This will be my punishment.


I wish you were able to hear the responses you are getting instead of just defending your husband in this instance. The feedback is telling you that your husband is over reacting.

If you did go to a counselor together and told them this story, the counselor would tell your husband that he is being abusive about this.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

BruceBanner said:


> He uses the Life 360 app to track their phones if they ever get lost.


That is likely not true.

OP, have you done anything in the recent past to invite this extreme level of scrutiny regarding your whereabouts?

And if $50 is that big a deal, someone needs another — or an additional — job.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

All4luv said:


> He’s hurt and I betrayed his trust. I sometimes think that he overreacted, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’ve lied. We use Life 360 because there was a time when we’d lose our phones, especially our daughter. In emergencies it has also come in handy. He’s too busy to have to track me down. We are both committed to each other, or should I say (was)? He feels that all of his efforts in being he best husband he could be, went under appreciated. Folks, this was my fault. I just want to know if anyone has been though something like this. Have they been forgiven? I need to know if there’s hope for us. I know time can heal, but the damage has been done. I know he will bring this up at any argument we will ever have. No, it’s not a good way to live a life together. This will be my punishment.


You said you use Life 360, "because there was a time when we'd lose our phones..." This is not why he was using Life 360 in this instance. He was using it to keep track of you for no reason. There is no reason for him to be tracking your every move. That is what people are concerned about. What your husband is doing in tracking you is called controlling behavior and is a hallmark of an abuser. Do you track his every move? If he had done the same thing that you did, would you have noticed?

You lied because you fear your husband. What should have happened is that you told your husband what happened and you're sorry for overspending. He would have told you if he felt upset, but worked it out with you. I understand when money is tight it's not okay to overspend, but that is something that needs to be worked through. You should never be afraid of going to your spouse. Your spouse should be your safe person. In this case, you have a relationship where if you make a mistake you are afraid to tell your husband. That is a serious problem.

So we understand what your question is, but there really is no answer, because no one here thinks you are the one with the problem even though you lied to your husband. We think your husband should be speaking to you and working through this with you rather than giving you the silent treatment and mistreating you. Your husband is mistreating you and you are trying to figure out how to be forgiven for something you did to protect yourself from someone you knew was going to react in an inappropriate manner. Do you understand why you are getting the answers that you are?


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## All4luv (May 25, 2018)

I thank you all for your advice. I can see from your point of views, but to really understand what’s going on here, would be challenging because you do not know us personally. Once again, I said that feared what he might say. I ASSUMED what his reaction would be and I didn’t want to tell him about the grocery store trip. I just didn’t want to hear home complain about it. So I lied in his face! He was shocked and hurt by it. And n feels that most of our marriage I lied. Which is not true. If someone very special had broken your trust, wouldn’t you feel betrayed? My daughter and I are the only family he has. We were the best of friends. 25 years married!


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> That is likely not true.
> 
> OP, have you done anything in the recent past to invite this extreme level of scrutiny regarding your whereabouts?
> 
> And if $50 is that big a deal, someone needs another — or an additional — job.


I've got to agree. By the way OP,since you both work together from home,then all you have isn't just because of him.

Maybe start tracking him using the app... you might be surprised.


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## All4luv (May 25, 2018)

I am a terrible communicator. Always been, thanks to the way my parents communicated to each other. I do need to seek counseling. I have to wait until I can afford it. I need to fight for this marriage to work. You’re looking in from the outside with minimal details. I’m not quick to end it all, he’s not either, but this disagreement we’re now experiencing is different. We’ve never stayed angry at each other for this long. I’m not perfect and neither is he. I just wish I could take back the lie and have his trust again. Best of luck to you all.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

All4luv said:


> I thank you all for your advice. I can see from your point of views, but to really understand what’s going on here, would be challenging because you do not know us personally. Once again, I said that feared what he might say. I ASSUMED what his reaction would be and I didn’t want to tell him about the grocery store trip. I just didn’t want to hear home complain about it. So I lied in his face! He was shocked and hurt by it. And n feels that most of our marriage I lied. Which is not true. If someone very special had broken your trust, wouldn’t you feel betrayed? My daughter and I are the only family he has. We were the best of friends. 25 years married!


I would be upset if my husband lied to me, but I would work through it. I wouldn't give him the silent treatment and the impression that I might divorce him over it. That is a huge overreaction to what you did. It is not normal or healthy.

Based on what you have said here, it appears that the only way you are going to get back in your husband's good graces is to either:

A. Set a boundary with him and tell him that you didn't feel safe talking to him when you make a mistake or a poor decision. You are afraid to disappoint him and you want to work through that with him so you have a mutually supportive relationship where neither of you fears telling the other when you do something wrong. Let him know that he needs to forgive you and stop giving you the silent treatment.

The silent treatment solves nothing. It is usually used to manipulate someone and gain control. Let him know that this is dysfunctional and not the way to resolve marriage problems.

B. Grovel and beg for forgiveness. Continue to live in fear of making a mistake or a wrong decision.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If you knew he had Life 360 and could check on you then why even try to lie?


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Why lie? If you choose to do something, then just do it and be truthful.

Why does he need to know where you are at all times of the day?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Either you have a history of lying and this is the final straw or your husband is a terrible abuser. So do you have a history of lying that has been omitted from this story? What's the deal?

I could see if he caught you in the lie he would be concerned but I don't think one lie like this is enough to end a marriage over. It's strange that you wouldn't just tell the story you did here, seems innocuous enough.


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## Townes (Jan 31, 2018)

This is the confusing thing about a lot of controlling people, they are wonderful partners that take great care of you...as long as you do exactly what they want you to do. So when they get upset it's easy to think it must be your fault because he's normally such a great guy. 

He's dramatically overreacting to punish your tiny act of autonomy and rebellion. He wants to make sure you fall back in line. Eventually you will have to to get to a place where you realize the way he is treating you is not okay. You'll have to take some of your power back and set boundaries with him. This is all very hard to see while your in the midst of it, but just consider the things people here are telling you. They might resonate with you at some point.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

I'm sorry honey but the way you are viewing and reacting to this is really messed up.......Almost like the Stockholm syndrome......


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

No objective person that I know would be defending your husband.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

@All4luv, is there some context about your relationship history that we are missing?
Lying is not good, true, however your husband was not warranted to become quite that irate over such an indiscretion. Irked that you were not truthful, sure.

The fact that you fear telling him the truth makes me think that he is not good at handling the truth, so you decide to "preserve" him from it to keep the peace.

It feels like there's a preamble to this story that we're not getting.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Townes said:


> This is the confusing thing about a lot of controlling people, they are wonderful partners that take great care of you...as long as you do exactly what they want you to do. So when they get upset it's easy to think it must be your fault because he's normally such a great guy.


Long years ago, I had a GF like this. I don't think she recognized her own controlling...she considered it "right", as if somehow, she was tasked by God with "keeping me straight"  She didn't recognize that her own motivation in controlling was fear....fear, that if she relinquished control, things would go awry and there would be an unfortunate outcome.

As long as I did what she wanted....things were great. I understand, because I would "hide" my activities and actions, not tell her, etc., to avoid her castigation and anger. Thank God, I didn't marry her..... it would have been awful.....


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## All4luv (May 25, 2018)

I’m reading and analyzing all that is being said here. I admit I have played a part in this kind of behavior, I try to avoid conflict and I remember many times of having avoid saying how I really feel. We argue quite a bit about how much we spend at the grocery store or how many times a week, I may send him to the store. It’s an ongoing issue that we’re working on. I don’t know why I went there. It was on the way home and I really didn’t need to go. Regarding Life 360, I had no idea that it track your path! I thought it just located your phone for you. The reason why he went back to check is because it alerts him every time I arrive home. The timing of everything was enough for him to be suspicious. That’s why he went back and checked. I was so stupid for not just telling the whole story. I could’ve of said, “Yeah I went to the gym” but I didn’t want to lie. I just omitted one detail. If he had done this to me, honestly, I wouldn’t be so upset. I trust him where ever he may go. It’s not in him to cheat. He knew this of me as well, but now he feels deceived. It’s the lying that he is having a hard time with. Now he feels I’ve lied to him many times in our marriage.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

All4luv said:


> Now he feels I’ve lied to him many times in our marriage.


Have you?

OP, I have a good friend who constantly tells little white lies to her SO. "What he doesn't know doesn't hurt him" mentality. Also, she gets mentally exhausted having to negotiate things with him if he doesn't agree, or want to face his upset if a decision she makes could potentially upset him. So she stays quiet.

I don't personally agree with this, since it's like a house of cards you're building up with the lying. If you can't be comfortable with your partner and present your truth to him/her, then there's a fundamental breakdown that needs to be addressed.

Have you both considered MC to better learn to communicate and be honest? And for him to learn to stop flying off the handle and hellicoptering over your every move.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

All4luv said:


> The reason why he went back to check is because it alerts him every time I arrive home.


Now why do you suppose Mr. Abuser needs to *KNOW* when you pull into the driveway? Sounds as though he doesn't want to be surprised when you open the door and catch him doing whatever it is he does when you're not there. I guess being 'alerted' to your arrival home gives him enough time to hang up the phone or close out the computer screen before you walk in the front door.




> If he had done this to me, honestly, I wouldn’t be so upset.


Now WHY do you suppose that is? It's because you're not an abusive, controlling lunatic like *he* is.





> I trust him where ever he may go. It’s not in him to cheat.


 Yup. That's what you and every betrayed wife *before* you has ever said. 


Sadly, because you refuse to see *reality*, the rug is going to be pulled right out from underneath you when you least expect it. And you certainly won't be anywhere NEAR able to deal with it when it does. Stop choosing to be so naive.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Never say you know it's not in someone to cheat because you don't know that. Not saying he has or he is but the truth is that no one knows to an absolute certainty what another person will do. Often they don't know what they, themselves, will do in a situation until it happens. 

Don't ever blindly trust. You can get burned.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

All4luv said:


> I thank you all for your advice. I can see from your point of views, but to really understand what’s going on here, would be challenging because you do not know us personally. Once again, I said that feared what he might say. I ASSUMED what his reaction would be and I didn’t want to tell him about the grocery store trip. I just didn’t want to hear home complain about it. So I lied in his face! He was shocked and hurt by it. And n feels that most of our marriage I lied. Which is not true. If someone very special had broken your trust, wouldn’t you feel betrayed? My daughter and I are the only family he has. We were the best of friends. 25 years married!


Sorry but no normal man controls his wife in this way. I thought this was a joke when I read your first post. What a horrible controlled life you must lead. I suppose its gone on so long that you can even see how wrong it is. 
This is a very dysfunctional marriage.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

All4luv said:


> The reason why he went back to check is because it alerts him every time I arrive home. The timing of everything was enough for him to be suspicious. That’s why he went back and checked.


Sorry, but I don't buy that as a reasonable explanation *unless you've cheated on him in the past*. There's no reason for anybody to be watching or mentally tracking their spouse's location that closely.

Unless he has a reason which normal adults would find reasonable for already being suspicious, this is not a rational or healthy dynamic.

Here's the way a relative put it to me. Her husband would call her once in a while to say he was going to be late home from work. She never questioned it or was suspicious, because there was no reason to be. He had always been trustworthy. It never crossed her mind to investigate where he really was, or to watch to be sure he got home by the time he said he would.

But if there is a reason to be suspicious because of previous bad behavior, such as cheating, then of course one would be immediately suspicious and would be double checking the story for contradicting details.

From what you've posted, your husband's suspicion and tracking of you is totally unwarranted. There is no reason for him to be tracking your arrival time home in the first place, and there is no reason for him to be checking up about whether you went to the gym. His behavior is quite abnormal and quite abusive towards you. You are an adult who doesn't have to account for every moment or whether you went to the gym or not. And you certainly should not be worried about his reaction to the point of lying to him.

My suggestion is you call a women's shelter or abuse hotline to talk to somebody for free about your situation. This group on this forum has a very diverse set of experience with a lot of different opinions, and the fact we are all seeing your husband's behavior as abusive should be a warning to you. Please seek some real life assistance.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Openminded said:


> Never say you know it's not in someone to cheat


The truth is, it IS IN ALL OF US to cheat, lie, murder, perjure, steal..... we all have these things in our nature. Everyone. We successfully resist the temptations, some of the time, but not always.

Most people become better with time, as they learn, the "hard way", to accurately predict the consequences of giving in to temptation.
Some don't. That's why we have prisons with high recidivism rates.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

leave (take your daughter with you) and never look back. you will be so happy.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I get it. I can't stand being lied to either. It's not a good sign. It is a betrayal of trust and it can bring doubts about whether you've lied before or not, especially if you did it so easily.

However, beating yourself up about it won't help anything. Crying and begging won't help either. You make a heartfelt apology and say you will make sure you try from now on to face a possible argument rather than hiding behind a lie. You made a mistake, you are human. Then you let it go. You need to stop feeling like it's the end of the world because it's not. The longer you keep making it a big deal, the longer it will stay a big deal. Get back to a normal routine, if he's silent and angry, it's up to him to work through it. It's not your responsibility to try to make him happy again. Find your own calm place. Forgive yourself for your mistakes and try not to do it again. That's pretty much all you can do on your end. You can't make him forgive you, or forgive you faster, but it's quite possible for you to draw it out for far longer than necessary by constantly reminding him of it.

As for the app, I had it with my ex. I'd hear it bing on his phone when I walked toward the office telling him I was there. Mine did the same thing. It's a tool that busy people use to save the hassle of asking, 'have you left work yet?', 'where are you?' or 'what time did you leave the clients?' (if you use it for work etc). My sister and her hubby use it too. Again, it has nothing to do with controlling each other. It didn't stop my ex from developing a relationship with someone else under my nose, so the idea of it being used to control someone seems a bit ludicrous to me.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

All4luv said:


> Hi all, I don’t have anyone to talk to. I think I’ve destroyed my marriage of almost 25 years over something so stupid! Last weekend my husband went on a short trip to visit family. My teenage daughter and I were left behind. I told him I’d probably go to the gym after dropping our daughter off to Saturday academic classes. He was fine with that. After dropping her off, I started for the gym which is about 20 mins. away. Distracted, I got in the wrong lane on the highway, so I was forced to go off route. Annoyed with myself, I get off at the next exit and ended up going to the grocery store. I didn’t want to spend any money, because our budget is tight. But I did, less than $50, but I felt a little worried that I’d be reprimanded for it if he knew. Tried not to stay long, but I bumped into a female friend and we talked for 15 mins! Ughhh... I decided not to go to the gym and went back home. The next day, my husband comes back and asks, “What did you work on at the gym?” I told him that I ended up not going to the gym after all. I said I got in the wrong lane and just decided to go home. He seemed a little suspicious and said, “Well on the Life 360 app, it said you got home at 9:40a. Did you get lost on the way back...That would have been the time you’ve gotten back from the gym.” I said I didn’t get lost, I was taken out of the way, so... I just went home. Next, he looks into the Life 360 app, which he uses for our safety and to locate our phones if ever left behind, and it showed him that I was at the grocery store for 20 minutes! I was caught in a lie!! I had omitted the fact that I stopped at the store. He was so angry with me and was disgusted at how easily I could lie to him. I don’t even know why I couldn’t tell him that I was there. Yes, I was afraid of what he would say. The day before, he lectured our daughter for spending money she had carried in school. I didn’t want to be the next victim. Now, (almost a week later) here I am. We barely speak, I’ve been crying for days, and I don’t know if this is the beginning of the end. He says that everything has changed. He no longer trusts me and finds it hard to forgive me. He doesn’t know how our marriage will survive this. For the kind of person he is, this was the ultimate, unforgivable sin. I don’t know what to do. Our lives our so intertwined, we work together from home, all that I have is because of him. I risked it all just to ‘protect my ego’. It was so selfish of me, but I let my fear get the best of me. Has anybody ever survived and moved on to have a strong bond (marriage) again after a betrayal? I’m devastated. He was never interested in counseling before nor do we have the funds to do such a thing. I don’t even know if he wants to save this marriage. Now he looks at me (when he does) with disgust and disappointment. Is there hope for us (me)? Thank you for your time. Any advice is certainly welcomed. I feel like a horrible person.... I know I was completely wrong.


Hmm... Money is definitely too tight, you are both doing something wrong.

Also, I would be mad at Mrs. Conan for lying to me. I would be very angry indeed. After I gave her a spanking for behaving badly, I would love her until her feet weren't touching the ground and worked with her to make sure she didn't feel insecure enough about us to do something silly and destructive about lying about getting turned around and going shopping.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

As for the constant arguing over money, I think that is a big problem that you both need to do something about. You need outside help since you've not been able to deal with it yourselves. Get someone who helps people with budgeting. Get counseling to learn how to communicate better.


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## joyousone75 (Oct 14, 2016)

Y’all need some therapy. The real issue is why would you have to lie over something so innocent and small? I understand him being upset about the lie, but I think it’s a much bigger issue. It sounds as if he is very controlling and seems you are under his thumb. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## azimuth (May 15, 2018)

Did you tell him that you were worried about his reaction about spending the money, and that's why you lied? What did he say about that? Because a reasonable person would work on both issues together. His overreactions about money and your spending money/lying about spending money. His reaction is way, way too over the top and I agree with others that it's controlling and abusive.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

OP, either you're ommitting a big detail from your original post, such as you've cheated in the past or lied repeatedly, OR you're married to a controlling, abusive man.

Pick one.


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## lovebb (May 27, 2018)

I think you need to talk to him like you are talking to us. .... the stress of all this and the pain will heal if you do more of the uncomfortable, humiliating, painful talking. Tell him why you lied, tell him your fears and concerns and that you adore him and never want to lie to him again. He should see your weaknesses and mistakes and love you right back and forgive you! ..... time and conversation should put this under the old rug!


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## All4luv (May 25, 2018)

Thanks again, all. Things are better. We’ve finally talked. I had time to re-evaluate my role in all of this. Again, I will say that he is not abusive, controlling, or behaves in any of those negative ways. He may have overreacted, but trust and loyalty are high on his list, for the kind of husband he is. He NEVER thought I’d lie... to him at least. It felt to him as if I had cheated. (And infidelity has never been an issue on either side!!!) I panicked and lied. I shouldn’t have spent the money, if I knew that I was going to react this way in the first place. Also, Life 360 has many uses. It is not a controlling device. We misplace phones sometimes, check on each other to make sure we arrive home safely, and etc. Families use this app in positive ways. I told on myself in the middle of my lie. I said to him, “Didn’t Life 360 tell you when I had arrived home?” He would’ve never checked if I hadn’t said anything! Thanks again for the feedback. We are working out our issues and taking it one step at a time. Note to self: “The truth will set you free!!!!”


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I'm glad you were able to discuss this with him and work through it together.


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## PigglyWiggly (May 1, 2018)

All4luv said:


> Thanks again, all. Things are better. We’ve finally talked. I had time to re-evaluate my role in all of this. Again, I will say that he is not abusive, controlling, or behaves in any of those negative ways. He may have overreacted, but trust and loyalty are high on his list, for the kind of husband he is. He NEVER thought I’d lie... to him at least. It felt to him as if I had cheated. (And infidelity has never been an issue on either side!!!) I panicked and lied. I shouldn’t have spent the money, if I knew that I was going to react this way in the first place. Also, Life 360 has many uses. It is not a controlling device. We misplace phones sometimes, check on each other to make sure we arrive home safely, and etc. Families use this app in positive ways. I told on myself in the middle of my lie. I said to him, “Didn’t Life 360 tell you when I had arrived home?” He would’ve never checked if I hadn’t said anything! Thanks again for the feedback. We are working out our issues and taking it one step at a time. Note to self: “The truth will set you free!!!!”


I am glad you are working this out but it still makes me wonder WHY you were so scared to be honest in the first place. It just doesn't feel like you are his equal by your posts. You talk about how much he values honesty and then you lied about something so insignificant. The math doesn't add up to me. 

Good luck and I hope for the best for you and your family!!


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

All4luv said:


> I am a terrible communicator. Always been, thanks to the way my parents communicated to each other. I do need to seek counseling. I have to wait until I can afford it. I need to fight for this marriage to work. You’re looking in from the outside with minimal details. I’m not quick to end it all, he’s not either, but this disagreement we’re now experiencing is different. We’ve never stayed angry at each other for this long. I’m not perfect and neither is he. I just wish I could take back the lie and have his trust again. Best of luck to you all.


You can say we don't understand because we don't have all the details - ok fine well then fill us in. Because from the brief description you've given us, your husband sounds like a controlling and manipulative a**hole. He's tracking your every move, and gaslighting the hell out of you and making you think you've done something wrong. If I were in your position I would have lied too. But you need to defend yourself here - your actions are not worthy of serving out some kind of punishment. My god that's ridiculous.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I don't think you should have lied. The questions are:

Why were you so worried about what you did that you lied?

Why was your husband so angry with you for lying when you were afraid that he gave you the silent treatment rather than trying to work through it with you?

In a healthy marriage, two people have each other's backs. They don't lie to each other. They trust that the other person is safe for them to talk to even when they make mistakes and that person with be there for them in their dysfunction to work through it. That's not what happened here.

I sincerely hope you were able to talk to your husband about this whole situation and work through it with him so neither of you have these reactions in the future, but instead you are loving and supportive with each other. 

I also recommend that you discuss the financial situation and see if there are some options you could take to increase your household income so $50 isn't going to cause a panic attack.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

All4luv said:


> Last weekend my husband went on a short trip to visit family. My teenage daughter and I were left behind. I told him I’d probably go to the gym after dropping our daughter off to Saturday academic classes. *He was fine with that.*


Can you go into more detail about what you meant by "he was fine with that"? Do you often have to get his approval for your daily tasks? What would have happened if you did something like go the gym without telling him first?


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## All4luv (May 25, 2018)

I lied because I didn’t want to hear a lecture about spending money we didn’t really have. I bought things I didn’t really need. His reaction was all dreamed up in my head. This is where I am at fault. He wasn’t angry at all for the purchase I had made. He was upset that I had lied to him and he figured it out. I just froze and omitted the fact that I went to the store. It was so ridiculous! We made it a point in our marriage to be honest with each other and I had broken that trust. As far as him being controlling, it might appear that he is, but honestly, he’s just being overprotective as his family was with him. He’s the youngest in his family. I’m the oldest sibling in mine. This is not a perfect marriage, but who has one? All relationships need to be nurtured and cared for. We (I) am a work in progress. From this contrast, I am learning and growing. It was an immature move on both sides and I am now beginning to understand why I did what I did.


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## dcFlorida (Sep 14, 2014)

Please get counseling (church, etc). You sound like a lovely person. There is a point where protective crosses the line and it sounds like that line was crossed. In my eyes, he set a trap asking you a question he knew the answer to. While you did make a mistake in not telling the truth, the issue is the 'reason' behind the the white lie. Part of your growth needs to be you standing up for yourself.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

I've read the average persons lies on average 14 times a day.

Just sayin!

I'm sure hes told a lie or two.

I'm just using this 360app for your protection or incase you lose your phone....hmm sounds like a lie of some sorts.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

There's something way more wrong with your marriage than a white lie. He's way over reacting, and you need to find out why.


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

Good God!!!! This is one of the most horrible threads I have ever read.

OP, your husband is abusive. AND controlling. He doesn't just "sound" controlling....he IS controlling!

Please get out, and please do so before your daughter decides that this is what a normal marriage looks like. 

OMG!!!!


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

you guys are reading way too much into the H's behavior. Just saying. She lied, he caught her, what is he supposed to do? Just act all hunky dory? He didn't hit her or anything remotely evil.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

OP, do you use the app to track where he goes as well, and is he OK with that? Have you ever questioned him about somewhere he has gone and not talked about?

If the detailed tracking is mutual and you both agree to it, i suppose its OK, but its not something I personally could deal with. I suspect though is that the tracking is one sided.

I'm sorry but this level of tracking sounds abusive to me. Things also sound very unbalanced - he does not control the money you spend, you SHARE responsibilities for your finances.

How much is $50 for you both. I understand that people's incomes vary a lot, but are you in such a desperate situation that $50 matters that much.

You spent the money at the grocery store - what did you buy? Its not like you spent it at the local casino. 


I share the feelings of many others here, this sounds bad. It sounds like he is abusive and controlling.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

naiveonedave said:


> you guys are reading way too much into the H's behavior. Just saying. She lied, he caught her, what is he supposed to do? Just act all hunky dory? He didn't hit her or anything remotely evil.


He refused to speak to her, called into question everything she had ever told him, and was contemplating divorce.

Over a trip to the grocery store.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Not all abuse is physical. 

His reaction seemed completely out of scale for her stopping at the grocery store. His tracking seems extremely controlling. 

I just found out my wife did something that lost us a couple percent of our years income - probably a higher percentage than the OPs $50. I didn't make some sort of big deal out if it, just indicated that I was a little surprised and maybe we should have discussed. 




naiveonedave said:


> you guys are reading way too much into the H's behavior. Just saying. She lied, he caught her, what is he supposed to do? Just act all hunky dory? He didn't hit her or anything remotely evil.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

personofinterest said:


> He refused to speak to her, called into question everything she had ever told him, and was contemplating divorce.
> 
> Over a trip to the grocery store.


It wasn't over a trip to the grocery store. It was over her lying to him. I'm not saying his response was correct, but it's important to address the real issue.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

personofinterest said:


> He refused to speak to her, called into question everything she had ever told him, and was contemplating divorce.
> 
> Over a trip to the grocery store.


because she lied about something he thought was critical. overreacted, sure, maybe. Abusive - no flipping way.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

All4luv said:


> Thank you for your responses. NO he is not abusive. He’s very supportive and always takes care of me and our daughter. We do everything together, working out at the gym, trips, he and I were very close! In my warped way of thinking, I didn’t want to hear his mouth about spending money, so I told a white lie. He’s upset for the fact that I lied! He’s never lied to me. I broke his trust. He’s an honorable man. I want to save this marriage. I was the one who jeopardized it all. I’m not scared of him, just didn’t want to complain.


For the casual user...Life360 is great at keeping tabs on each other. And for the "dedicated" individuals...Which you have to pay for I might add...Is a tracking device to monitor family members very closely. I feel your husband has the "dedicated" part. For a honorable man, why? Is there a history of infidelity? Is there a wayward family member that needs to be tracked closely? This is not good.

And for going to the super market....Uh, yeah. The man will need to eat right? What's the problem? Is money a very sore subject in your family? Why is he so paranoid with kid's own money and your spending at a freaking grocery store?

I use the basic life360 with my wife and kids. It's all I need to get a basic picture of whats going on during the day. It tells me when she leaves work and when she leaves our house. Mindful, that if she really wanted to, she can just turn the phone off or leave it behind to go with another man...

With me, it is just a small part of assurance. Not a gestapo tracking thing. She knows after our ordeal, that she has to earn back trust. But I don't actively watch every single thing she does....You can't live life happily like that. At least if you WANT to stay married. I think some counseling and some serious kitchen table and coffee talk is in order. You don't need to feel "scared" when in a loving relationship. And you should not feel the need to lie. Just my take....


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

naiveonedave said:


> you guys are reading way too much into the H's behavior. Just saying. She lied, he caught her, what is he supposed to do? Just act all hunky dory? He didn't hit her or anything remotely evil.


Normally I'd agree with you. But her lie was borne of fear and an abusive relationship. 

When I began reading her story, I though she was going to say she got of track and ended up ad some other guy's house. Or a casino. Or a bar. Or a Chippendale's show. Or a Communist Party Rally. Or something even remotely negative. But the grocery store?!? Huh???

If I found my wife lied to me about stopping at the grocery store, the first thing I'd do is try to figure out why the hell she might feel the need to lie about having stopped at the grocery store! I'm hell on transparency and integrity in a marriage, but this is a case in which I'd be far more interested in the why than the what.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I'm concerned that it was something she might lie about. 

I can't imagine my wife feeling she had to hide a trip to the grocery store. I can't imagine being concerned if she did go and didn't happen to tell me. 

Its not like she spent a weekend in Vegas with an ex boyfriend and didn't mention it, or decided to buy a sports car when they were on a tight budget. 

Something is very very wrong here. 

It is a form of abuse to want to know everything about what your partner is doing, and to wildly over-react if they don't do exactly what you want. 




naiveonedave said:


> because she lied about something he thought was critical. overreacted, sure, maybe. Abusive - no flipping way.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

uhtred said:


> I'm concerned that it was something she might lie about.
> 
> I can't imagine my wife feeling she had to hide a trip to the grocery store. I can't imagine being concerned if she did go and didn't happen to tell me.
> 
> ...


I agree, but like you asked earlier, I'd like to know if they are both like this or if it's only him doing this to her. Is there a balance of sorts where they both have equal power or is he in control of everything?

If there is a balance, I still think the situation is pretty high strung and should be brought down a notch or three so they can relax with each other and not feel fear in their relationship.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I cant imagine the paranoia that drives a man to have to know what his wife is doing 24 hours a day, every day. That is NOT normal behaviour. Its VERY controlling and abusive.


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