# if she doesnt try-how will it change-am i right??please some advice or input.



## lmh11706 (Sep 22, 2008)

posted here before about this but this is whats happenning now.quickly-i betrayed my wifes trust once 6 yrs ago when she found sexual emails to other people although it was all cybersex to my wife its cheating which it is-i agree-

she forgave me and i commited the same thing a year and a half ago which this time included a nude pic of me.again no meeting anyone and all anonymous but none the less wife read emails which had intent.but i never intended to meet anyone-i never touched another person except my wife in 18yrs.we have 2 kids 13boy 8 girl.after her being angry a month or so she accepted me again thank god.i started therapy to find out why i needed to go on the computer so much and seek ego boosts when people complimented your picture-i went thru december of 2007 and was feeling good and things were good in my marriage so i stopped going but told my wife i was because she would be upset if i stopped and would do it again-which i havent in a year and a half-another lie from me

ill never forgive myself for my behavior because she is my soulmate-she is a part of me-my heart.we are best friends. im going to therapy now and will never stop

for her its the trust-i destroyed it in her-she fell out of love with me last winter-but never told me-did give me signs but we kept on being husband and wife and she seemed happy.

my wife and i always go out dancing on sat night to a couple of clubs we like and have been doing that for years.but i noticed starting in may of 08 she wanted to go out with her girlfriends almost just as much as me.id didnt think anything because she had her wedding ring on and i trusted her.

but on july 18 08 we had alittle spat about her not going out with me and she lost it telling me she didnt love me anymore-took off her ring-and wanted to seperate herself from me citing trust as the biggest issue.-i cant blame her-but we are not separated-we live in the same house-and are not even divorcing she doesnt want that-she doesnt even want me to move out-she isnt working right now and i pay all the finances in the home-it takes up all my money but i dont mind because i love my family-she said she found porn on our home computer in june but didnt say anything-but she later found out i had nothing to do with it-it was her brother who visited those sites.

but she is saying what i did a year and a half ago she never really got over and lying about going to the therapist.no tust-very little love.

its been 3 months-she goes out to the clubs we go to without me every week for that time-singles clubs and eager to flirt and feel good about herself.my wife is a man magnet and gets alot of attention and it drives me crazy knowing im not with her but she vows she just dances and has fun and is not looking for anything.but im taking it because i love her and want this to work-some men would have been out but i dont want that other crap-i want my marriage.

for 2 months she treated me like i had the plague-shying away from any contact with me-angry -treated me like i was a business partner there only for the kids and money.

now in the last 3 and a half weeks my wife has come back slightly-she is letting me touch her which she didnt before.weve been talking like friends again.ive been told by her mom and bro that she is really considering giving me one more chance and my wife is into astrology and she is getting that fom that too.

but when i question her she says she is not ready to go out alone with me yet-cant be a couple yet-cant bring herself to show me any affection yet-she told my son last week that she may go out with me soon.shell let me kiss her on the cheek but not on the lips-weve been married 15 yrs known her for 18 and she says no lips-shes not there yet.

my question is we made love july 12 and on july 18 she couldnt bear to have me touch her although i did nothing in those days or in a yr and a half 

its been 3months and she doesnt seem to want to even try and get there yet-try to let me earn her trust and start to spend time together alone to get back what we had.we do go out with the kid and we are like married in every way except for going out and intamcy.she conveys that we will work it out but never comes out and says just to give her time.

am i right in thinking that after 3 months of this for us and our kids and family-and i feel she knows what she is going to do and thats stay with me-she told my son last week that she is not quite ready but maybe soon and after last weekend i thought maybe but shes going out fri nite with the girls too.and still says she not ready.but if she loved me at all wouldnt she want to even try do it at this point.

whats soon -does she have a specific date or time in mind-if shes already made up her mind to give me another chance then why delay it-if she loved me then why delay it-wouldnt she be happy about her decision-weve been married 15 yrs

what exactly is going to make her ready after this time if she doesnt spend some time with me to let me prove to her ive changed-she keep saying shes not ready for intimacy or to go out alone but after 3 months what exactly is going to make her ready.doesnt she just need to decide im going to do this with him

is she just making me suffer-she always says 3 months is nothing compared to the 6 yrs she feels i was doing it.but if she loved me wouldnt she want to make it work already especially since we are not divorcing and still living together and have again been married 15 yr i dont know- i keep waiting each day for her to be ready-im confused too-but i deserve all this-but i want it to end and i want my wife back

hope you made it this far and thanks for reading


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

lmh11706 said:


> 7she always says 3 months is nothing compared to the 6 yrs she feels i was doing it.but if she loved me wouldnt she want to make it work already especially since we are not divorcing and still living together and have again been married 15 yr i dont know- i keep waiting each day for her to be ready-im confused too-but i deserve all this-but i want it to end and i want my wife back



3 month IS nothing campared to what she's been through. and i know you'll agree that's true. and if she loves you, yes she WILL want to make it work. 15 years dude, you got your second chance once. i don't know how dude, but you found yourself in the same boat. dammit!!! there's lots of us here that would give an arm for a second chance. 

anyway, don't think you're getting another chance by using the methods you used before. if she's smart, she ain't buyin your crap. 

not to be so harsh, but if you're asking here, you gotta make a vow to yourself to take away from here whatever you take, but NEVER put yourself in this position again.

counseling...GOOD...let it all hang out to your counselor...find out why the hell you do this based on what you sound like you have to lose. you're gonna make a pact, a contract with her and you are NEVER going there again. i know you've read about transparent living. guess what? you earned it. 

i wish you the best, and i mean that. thank you for being so open, so honest, WITH US. now learn to live that way within your relationship.


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## NikiVicious (Oct 2, 2008)

> whats soon -does she have a specific date or time in mind-if shes already made up her mind to give me another chance then why delay it-if she loved me then why delay it-wouldnt she be happy about her decision-weve been married 15 yrs


She lost trust for you. Fell out of love. But still admits she loves you. Here is where you went wrong. You relied on another for intimate pleasure (regardless of whether it was physical touch or not). You did this knowing that it hurt her repeatedly. She is not willing to 'try' so hard because you havent tried in the past. She forgave you and you STILL did it again. I'm glad that you admit it is wrong. See, she is all done 'trying' to work on this. She has let you know that it hurts her, and already forgave you a few times. 

Give her ALL THE TIME SHE NEEDS. You need to take this time to prove yourself. Earn her trust. Just because she loves you doesn't mean she is *in love *with you. Further, *it doesn't mean she trusts you*. (I have the exact same feelings for my husband right now so believe me I know)


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

i think she is taking the advantage of having some space and timeout away from you, which i also see as normal. when you constantly upset someone in the same ways, it just gets to much to take, when the same issue claws back relentless and the more that happens the deeper the anger goes (this time , on her part) as well as the rest of her emotions.
she isnt doing n e thing on purpose, its her body taking a stand for itself. i suppose its how we deal with issues as times. protecting yourself.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

These situations cannot be placed in time frames. She has lost trust in you and rightfully so. You engaged in improper behavior outside the marriage. Got caught, then did it again. You lied to her about therapy that was supposed to help the marriage. Instead you threw dirt on it. You’ve probably got a long way to go to earn her trust and love. It can be done but you have to have a mindset to look at it in terms of progress, not time lines. She is asking for time and space, I suggest you give it to her. Show her you love her and are committed to the marriage through your actions and deeds.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Amplexor said:


> you have to have a mindset to look at it in terms of progress, not time lines


 AMP...good thought..we..a lot of us, could have those words carved into our forheads...that one thought would help our progress/growth so much...thanks for the simple wisdom.


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## lmh11706 (Sep 22, 2008)

yes time and space for her i know

but more than my betrayal,more than love and trust which has taken a huge hit-its the intimacy that she has the trouble with now it seems

she will let me kiss her on the cheek but not the lips-she says shes not ready for that

she goes out with me and the kids to dinner and to synagogue and shopping and other things during the day but wont go out with me as a couple to dinner or dancing at the club-shes not ready she says-but she goes without me.

because of my sexual emails to other people-women and men-her reaction when i want to get intimate seems to be a inability to get over the mental aspect of it

her view of me as her masculine man and romantic passionate partner is gone right now-her man is gone-she feels that when i touch her she cant get the emails out of her head-she thinks im bisexual which im not-never was and never will be-but she read emails that i wrote that could be misunderstood as to me being that way.it was just all sex.

will she ever get over that-even she doesnt know-so its been 3 months but longer since she felt that way-and maybe i need to make the move instead of waiting for something that may never come-if by thanksgiving she still has not forgiven me totally-i might move out because i need it-passion,love,and even though i did what i did i deserve to be loved like anyone-she needs to decide if she wants me or not-if she doesnt love me and never thinks she can get over it-


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