# Not coping



## Purplebubbles (Jul 1, 2016)

I wanted to say Hi as im mew to the forum. I was hoping for some advice in regards to my marriage as im at a loss and are not coping any more..

Weve been together for 8 years and of those years theres been times i just want to leave him because the pain is to great.

My husband over most of the 8 years has been lieing to me about other women, first it started just with his female freinds, i seen a message to one were they had both put they miss each other with xxoo in the message, i ask to see the message (even though id seen it and he didnt know) and he deleted it in front of me. He was talking to her when i would go shopping or take my daughter to sports or when he was at work! It got to the point i gave him an ultimatum me or her.. He said me and we carried on, i thought things had settled down and we got married, 2 months after we got married i noticed he was acting strange and very secretive, so one night when he was asleep i went through his phone and got into email accounts, facebook etc & he had joined a whole heap of sex/dating sites i.e. ****** maddison! He had also been talking to several women as well as the one i gave him the ultimatum with..

I confronted him and he said it was my fault for not being physical enough and not loving him enough. Hes very manipulative and agressive but then the next minute hes all over you and trying to cuddle and kiss me! Hes doing my head in, weve started seeing a councillor so im not sure if thats going to help. On top of this i feel like a border in a house we both purchased as its in his name, i work 6 days a week and i contribute to household bills, food, i pay for my daughter etc, he pays the mortgage out of his so the house is his apparently and not mine as well as everything hes paid for himself! He wants everything his way and if he doesnt get it he storms off with the ****s and starts blaming me! I dont even have access to the mortgage account as he wont give me the password.

I have never been unfaithfull in any way nor would I but he accuses me daily of hiding things and being guilty of something when ive done nothing wrong! We seperated recently and he spent the night away with another women, i found out through an email he recieved as he never admits nothing to me, he promised he didnt sleep with her but i dont believe it! All i want is an honest partner to love and spend the rest of my life with, but my husband has made me feel like im useless because hes always complainingg about everything i do wrong. 

Hes just abused me and told me that if i dont trust him i can get out!! I just dont know what to do, i feel like ive given everything to him but he just takes and has no reapect for me. No compassion no nothing! Its all about him and im at my wits end.

Sorry for the long post and rambling, i just needed to get it out before i explode.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Once my wife ordered a computer course.

When it arrived it was obviously not what she ordered. It contained detailed instructions of how to use 5.25" floppy drives and how to use the older 8" floppy drives.

She was upset and was going to throw it away. 

I wrote them a letter and they apologised and they could not explain why someone in their office had sent my wife a course that was 20 years out of date.

We got a refund.

What relevance is this to you?

You thought you had ordered a man. But instead they sent you a whiny, useless manchild.

Do what we did. Get a refund.


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## btterflykisses (Apr 29, 2016)

You need to file for divorce. I usually don't say that that but he is an absolute loser. Whether the house is in name or not you will be given what you are entitled to by the courts. He is a terrible father figure for his daughter and he may pass on STDs via all these women he may be meeting. Good luck Purplebubbles.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Purplebubbles said:


> I wanted to say Hi as im mew to the forum. I was hoping for some advice in regards to my marriage as im at a loss and are not coping any more..
> 
> Weve been together for 8 years and of those years theres been times i just want to leave him because the pain is to great.
> 
> ...


Something has to change and it isn't going to be him so that means it has to be you. You are going to change. Don't put up with this any longer. Read again what you wrote. This does not feel good to you. He hasn't been treating you very well has he? You can stop this today.

A relationship isn't all about one albeit selfish person. He isn't a trustworthy person at all. 

Don't let him disrespect you one more day. Ask if this is someone you want to be with for the long haul? How long have you been going to the counselor? This may be a waste of time if he is still cheating on you. Are you in individual counseling just for yourself? I would highly recommend doing that!


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## Purplebubbles (Jul 1, 2016)

Hi thanku for your replys.. I do feel in my heart its over as much and i dont why i love this man! 

My issue is financially he has controll, i earn enough to ahop & live and hes the mane bread winner and keeps his money private. If i leave i lose everything including my car because its in his name, i also have no money to leave, i have 3.00 in my bank while he sits there with thousands. Its funny if he gives me money or buys me something he writes it in his notes and i have to pay it back. Weve only seen the councillor once and due to go back monday, i really want to spill everything to him then. If i say i want to leave my husband will kick me out there and then with nothing and no were to go! Once he told me to leave or hed make my life a living hell! Thats what he would do again. 

Dont know how i let myself be with someone like this.


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## Purplebubbles (Jul 1, 2016)

No im not but i want to see our current councillor privatly, just got to find the money to do it. I have to pay for half of our councelling sessions now so to add private ones for me on would be a big financial burden at the moment.


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## Purplebubbles (Jul 1, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Once my wife ordered a computer course.
> 
> When it arrived it was obviously not what she ordered. It contained detailed instructions of how to use 5.25" floppy drives and how to use the older 8" floppy drives.
> 
> ...


That cracked me up!!! Thanku for the giggle lol.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Do you have anyone that could help you? A family member or close friend? Someone that would let you stay with them? Your H is a very, very controlling person. Do you have children together? 

If you feel that he would kick you out in a heart beat, then you need to remain silent & slowly build up your plan (store money away secretly, get someone to help you with a place to stay, slowly get your important personal items out of the house).


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## Purplebubbles (Jul 1, 2016)

No not anyone close.. Its something i have to do on my own! I have a dughter to a previous relationship, we dont have any children together. Nothing tying me to him other than my commitment with our marriage.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Is he physically abusive as well?


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## Purplebubbles (Jul 1, 2016)

No just verbal, swears and calls me names alot. Like tonight hes sleeping on the lounge because he was on the mobile phone in the dining room talking to his father being very loud, i turned the tv up to normal volume so i could hear what i was watching n he come in and called me disrespectfull, selfish in a really harsh tone.. Caused an argument were he started saying im just acting guilty of something, i laughed and said guilty of what? He said i dunno your hising something. I went to bed.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Get a plan in effect. Start selling stuff. Think about things you can get rid of for cash so you can get a place to leave. Part of the equity of the house belongs to you, you can fight that later when you have the money to pay a lawyer. Forget about therapy, you don't have that kind of money yet. 

You need to be able to pay for a place to live for you and your daughter. If there is no public transportation in your area, you will need a car. 

You are married, so technically everything belongs to both of you. That means that if you can get a hold of his password, you may be able to take money from his bank account. You will need to do some digging and go to his bank and with proof that you two are married and living together, you may be able to withdraw from that account. You need to do this once you have secured a place to live. Legally, you do have a right to some of that money, so he can't sent you to jail for taking what's yours too. 

If you can't get money, then apply for a credit card and pay your bills with it and save your money to leave this terrible man. Staying there like a sitting duck will not end well.

Start planning yout exit strategy!


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

How did you take care of your self and your daughter before hooking up with Mr. Wonderful?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Sorry for your woes.

That is what lawyers are for.

They have big hands and big friends.

They turn the guilty upside-down, shake the change and dollars out of their pockets.

They keep some, you get some and the husband gets a financial thumping.

You are NOT without options. Take out a credit card in both your names and use it to help pay for things "down the road". Have the card sent to some other address, if necessary.

Talk to your lawyer first before doing anything.


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## Purplebubbles (Jul 1, 2016)

I think i will have to start planning, just sad because i wanted to try n work our issues.. Befor i met him I was sharing a house with my mum after i left my daughters father, then when we met i was looking to move out and he suggested we share to help us financialy and it just went on from there.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Purplebubbles said:


> I think i will have to start planning, just *sad because i wanted to try n work our issues*.. Befor i met him I was sharing a house with my mum after i left my daughters father, then when we met i was looking to move out and he suggested we share to help us financialy and it just went on from there.


You can't because you can't fix controlling, cheating, abusive and entitled partners!

Your situation will only get worse, never better. You can get yourself out of this mess. You are going to have to work fast though. He is getting worse everyday you continue to allow him all that you have already allowed. 

Your priority is being able to stand on your own two feet without him. Maybe finding a place to live that is asking for a roomate can be an option. Anything that will help you be self sufficient without his money. You may not see a penny out of that house, but you will be getting rid of that horrible man you allowed to treat you so badly.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

He is controlling, unless you accept that he is cheating on you, and let him handle all finances and charge you for gifts.... Then go ahead work on things with MC, go ahead and spend another wasted year with this selfish arse. Let your daughter see what a relationship can be like with a worthless jerk...OR you could call up your mum, swallow your fear and perhaps pride and ask her to help you. Get it secure that you can MOVE in with her in a few weeks or months. Spend the next few months doing what other posters advise and sell stuff, stuff he would not notice. Go to the bank and try to get acsess but until you are out dont take money. Take it as you leave. 

This guy is a bully and do you know how you deal with bullies? You beat them at what they think is their game. Stop working on your marriage, stop trying to make him see how bad he is. He knows and he just does not care. Make him THINK you are fine going back to the status quo...But lay in wait. Get the ducks in a row. And higher a shark of a lawyer. I also advise getting some of this verbal abuse on recording, so you have proof of the maniac you are leaving. 

Do this. Your child does not need to grow up with him. Your child does not need to feel the same pain of watching him make a list of all the presents he got her and later excuses on why he wont help her get a car, or pay for college. She does not need that kind of abuse that he is comfortable to give to you. 

An when you buy a house together with a future partner DO NOT LET THEIR NAME BE ALONE ON THE HOUSE.


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## Purplebubbles (Jul 1, 2016)

My mums not an option unfortunatly. Its something i have to do myself! I was in a long relationship prior to this one and i got left with a bad debt due to him whcih has caused me to have bad credit, thats why the house was put in his name as well as my car. I feel like a fool for giving him that control and to keep letting him do what he does, i have made a decision i just need the time to save the funds to get my own house.


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## veganmermaid (Jun 17, 2016)

Oh honey. This man is emotionally and financially abusing you.  if you live in the US, there are laws in place that will protect you/allow you to leave the marriage with some assets, but I am not a lawyer, and you should DEFINITELY engage one. 

Please start squirreling away money for yourself safely. 

You have to get out of there. Your whole life hinges on his whim. Not only that, but your daughter is watching and absorbing his behavior and will use that as a blueprint for her own relationships.

You deserve better.

Sent from my VS986 using Tapatalk


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Purplebubbles said:


> My mums not an option unfortunatly. Its something i have to do myself! I was in a long relationship prior to this one and i got left with a bad debt due to him whcih has caused me to have bad credit, thats why the house was put in his name as well as my car. I feel like a fool for giving him that control and to keep letting him do what he does, i have made a decision i just need the time to save the funds to get my own house.


Live and learn, sorry but this applies. Never allow anyone to put you in such a vulnerable position. Your daughter deserves better. I hope you can get your hands on some cash fast. Even if the place is small, it will be yours and no one can throw you out or mistreat you because they freaking feel like it. 

Focus on getting out. You have no children with this man, the only thing you will lose is equity to the house. You can fight for it, but I'm afraid paying lawyer's fees will not be cost effective. As far as the car, you can't win that one. Even if you gave all the payments, it is in his name. It's his!

You don't have to file for divorce either. You would just spend more money that could go to you and your daughter. Unless, you are planning on marrying someone else soon, wait it out and let him freaking file if he wants to divorce you so badly. He needs to pony up that money and not you. It's time you stood up for yourself. You were fooling yourself these 8 years. Stop the MC, it's useless and your money needs to go to you. Move into your daughter's room if you can. Get away from your husband. Let him go off with Sally, Dana, and Jane. Who gives a flying rat's behind what he does from this point forward. Implement the 180 and gain your independence from this fool! 

If he is not physically abusive, bite your time in this house until you are able to leave without leaving a trace of where you moved. Hopefully, you will not have to see this horrible guy again in your life. You will be so much better without him. 

I had a co worker do exactly this. She saved, got everything ready to leave and then just disappeared on day.

She transferred from work too. So he had no way of knowing where she went. She packed her bags as soon as he left for work one day and her and her son never saw his nasty self again.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Purplebubbles said:


> Hi thanku for your replys.. I do feel in my heart its over as much and i dont why i love this man!
> 
> My issue is financially he has controll, i earn enough to ahop & live and hes the mane bread winner and keeps his money private. If i leave i lose everything including my car because its in his name, i also have no money to leave, i have 3.00 in my bank while he sits there with thousands. Its funny if he gives me money or buys me something he writes it in his notes and i have to pay it back. Weve only seen the councillor once and due to go back monday, i really want to spill everything to him then. If i say i want to leave my husband will kick me out there and then with nothing and no were to go! Once he told me to leave or hed make my life a living hell! Thats what he would do again.
> 
> Dont know how i let myself be with someone like this.


How old are you and your H. YOur H is emotionally abusive, sleeping with women, controlling money etc. Go and see your own counsellor so you can get strong and come up with a plan to get this excuse for a man out of your life. 

1. tell your family and friends what he is doing to you, so that they start looking out for you. Men like this can progress to physical abuse
2. start keeping a record of everything he says and does (record it in a book which you keep in your office
3. Keep a record from now on of all you earn and all the bills you pay
4. Go and see a lawyer as to your rights. Refuse to pay for anything for the house until he lets you have access to the mortgage details. Stop paying the electric, etc aim for the bills that affect him the most
5. I am sure according to the law you have rights to the property, and based on what you pay.
6. Get a good friend or family member who will support you through this.
For your own sanity, do the 180 on him, he is a lying abusive cheat and should be out of your life. Get a bull dog lawyer to sort him out. I am sure when he meets someone who is not afraid of him, he will not be so brave. Please hold firm, do not succumb to his manipulation and he will manipulate you if he finds you are becoming stronger


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## Purplebubbles (Jul 1, 2016)

Im 38 and hes 45..


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## Purplebubbles (Jul 1, 2016)

Alot of people dont believe me qhen i tell them what hes like as hes only like it behind clothes doors away from everyone else! To everybody outside hes the life od the party & they all think hes a great guy! He puts on a ficard to everybody that hes a careing thoughtfull person, when hes nothing but a selfish incensitive prick! Weve just had another huge barny because i had the ****s still with how hes been treating me, he proceded to say that im pathetic and im a germ who lives off other people, he said to get out but then said "oh right you have no were to go because everyone hates you including your own family"! He then took my car keys off me and wont five them back, when i end up a mess sitting on the floor im told im pathetic and i do that to make him feel guilty! Even though im just so hurt from all the years of crap with him.. I am going to start saving to get out of here, i have to have a plan as hes always watching what i do. I just feel so hopeless and such a bad mother right now because i let myself and my duaghter put up wirh him!


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## Purplebubbles (Jul 1, 2016)

He also has gone to tell me he joined a ton of sex sites because "look at you why wouldnt i" your pathetic and hopeless.. Sorry i just need to get that off my chest! I just thankgod my daughters at a freinds place tonight.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

This toxic person cannot be removed from your life fast enough. He is an abuser in every sense of thr word.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

This situation will continue until you decide that it has to stop. You will have to find refuge elsewhere with family or friends. If none are available to you, seek it through a local women's organization as his possessive behavior is borderline abusive. They should also help you to find legal counsel and permanent housing, skills for better employment, etc.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

People dont believe you? Well, gather evidence, Video AND voice. and when you leave send it TO EVERYONE. but make sure he cannot find you. He does this because he thinks no one will ever believe you. I think that you need that peace that everyone sees whatyou see. Just dont expose him for the scum he is till YOU ARE SAFE. 
But this man needs to be exposed. Get a VAR. they are cheap. Use you phone and prop it somewhere out of sight and record him being how he is.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Absolutely! Exposure is a must because you were deceived by this man. He didn't show his colors right away. He did before you married and yet you ignored them because you were an easy, vulnerable prey to him. 

You are not that now. We all make mistakes. You need to let that go and forgive yourself. Your daughter loves you and you are trying to do the right thing now. It is never too late!

I like the fact that you realize just how terrible he has been all this time. Your rose colored glasses are gone. You are doing very well. You will win this. You will set yourself free and you will improve yourself and your situation for your daughter. That is being a great mom. It was hard before because you were a bit broken inside and overwhelmed. This guy came in for the kill so to speak.

Well, you aren't dead. You see him for who he is now. You are stronger now. You will succeed! Stop feeling like you are a terrible mom. You didn't abandon your child. You are not leaving her with this horrible man. You and her are getting rid of him. 

No need to have those negative emotions. They serve no purpose, are misguided and wrong. They just bring you down.


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