# Would a new relationship/marriage be worth it?



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Are relationships really worth it? I’m sure I’ve hit this general topic on here before, but this is the 8th month since the separation with my x wife, and I'm just re-evaluating and thinking aloud. 

On one hand, it would be great to have someone to throw my arms around and share that intimacy with someone who really loves me for who I am. I realize, however, from my own experience, reading this forum, and listening to others, there can be a lot of stress, worry, and confusion in relationships.

On the other hand, my life is currently stress-free. I am currently able to do whatever I want whenever I want and I don’t have to worry if it is pleasing someone else, or if I’m currently playing the right cards in the relationship game, or if I’m communicating correctly, or if I’m supposed to be getting something out of an action or comment that I’m not seeing. I also get to be in full control of my money; I can spend it on what I want when I want. 

All those things are not based on negatives from my previous marriage; I thought things were going well, but I guess I’m asking “is what might be worth giving up my current state?”
What if I marry a nag? What if I marry someone and again, she has no sex drive after a while? What if I marry someone who acts like she’s crazy about me, like my x, and then becomes “unhappy” after a while and it's divorce city again?

Relationships are far more complicated than I think they should be, and I’m just not a game player, mind reader, or psychologist, and sometimes it seems like one needs to be all three to be in a relationship. 

I know that relationships take "work" which i apparently didn't do enough of in my previous marriage. Had I been given the chance, I would have worked until I was blue in the face and worn to the bone to keep my previous marriage, but I'm not sure I want a new job; stress-free feels pretty good. 

I guess one of my mistakes in my previous marriage was that I thought we were so crazy about each other that it didn't take work; it just took care of itself. I think that is the way it should be, but I realize it is not reality. 

If I were granted three wishes, one of them would be to erase all the stress, emotional turmoil, confusion, and mind games from relationships. We would all just meet someone, fall in love, and live happily everafter in wonderful, passionate bliss.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

> On the other hand, my life is currently stress-free. I am currently able to do whatever I want whenever I want and I don’t have to worry if it is pleasing someone else, or if I’m currently playing the right cards in the relationship game, or if I’m communicating correctly, or if I’m supposed to be getting something out of an action or comment that I’m not seeing


.
But are you happy?
Yes, a relationship is work, but humans are social creatures. I know I want to have someone around to share my joys and to cry with when things are tough.
It just has to be the right person...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I think it wise for everyone alive, no matter what age or stage in life, to find that so called "soul mate" , we need to check mark all of these ~~~

*1*. Shares the same moral values / Similar religious beliefs

*2.* If you are a Home buddy, find another Home buddy, or if you are a Partier, find another who likes to live it up , no moss growing under your feet ! 

*3*. Possesing similar Love Lanuages in a very similar order -THIS is vital for things to "flow" easy, and not feel like "work", so long as she expresses them! 

*4* Ideas on $$, spending habits, this can be a killer if a saver marries a careless spender.

*5*. Be sure to be Physically attracted to one another, never discount this no matter how long you live. 

*6.* Be able to Laugh together OFTEN, genuninly LIKE each other's company. This needs to come natural. 

*7*. Find someone who has a temperment/personality that "complments" yours. One may be more patient, one may be more antsy, one more quiet, where the other enjoys verbal expressing. One good at math, the other english, etc

*8*. Share similar hobbies & goals. 

*9*. Communication - Communication - Communication - makes sure it works and works well. I tell all my friends who meet a new mate, I ask them "Did you have your 1st fight yet?" We all need to learn effective "conflict resolution" with each other -without silently holding things in. Vital as the air we breath in any healthy lasting relationship. 

If you find all of these in an honest soul out there, marraige would be very worthwhile. Not an easy task I am sure, but this is a big big world we live in & now we have the benefit of the internet for all this searching - a perfect match could be out there looking for someone just like YOU.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

DanF said:


> .
> But are you happy?
> Yes, a relationship is work, but humans are social creatures. I know I want to have someone around to share my joys and to cry with when things are tough.
> It just has to be the right person...


I'm not happy that I got divorced and all the things that went with that. I'm not happy that my kids have to grow up with divorced parents. I want to make sure i know what is making me happy or unhappy and not try to fix things with the wrong medicine. 

I don't mind being alone, am rather independent in nature, and can take care of myself. I think under the circumstances, I can say I am happy. I am much happier than i would be under a lot of mental stress that goes with a relationship.

I guess I'm trying to decide which one has the most positives. I'm not good at social games in general because i wasn't brought up around people who played them. Games wear me out.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I think it wise for everyone alive, no matter what age or stage in life, to find that so called "soul mate" , we need to check mark all of these ~~~
> 
> *1*. Shares the same moral values / Similar religious beliefs
> 
> ...


The scary part is that all these seemed to be in place when my x and I first got together. Looking back, I can't see a single warning sign that should have indicated it wouldn't work out.

It may be a big world, but I live in a small rural area and I don't plan on exploring much of it.


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## nynaeve3 (Apr 12, 2011)

I know where you're coming from, southbound, as sometimes the idea of living in my own space with my own time, free from the stressors of a relationship, is very appealing  

I suppose it depends on the status of the relationship. For me, I enjoy the companionship a healthy relationship provides, and I like being part of it. When's a working and good relationship, the pluses counteract and outweigh the stressors. 

My H and I have gone through some patches where I truly thought about leaving in order to regain my freedom - but also to find a new partner and enjoy that experience. If my H and I were to divorce tomorrow, I anticipate that I'd start looking for a new partner shortly afterwards. So in answer, for myself, I'd say "yes" to whether a new relationship would be worth it. I would surely miss it otherwise.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

nynaeve3 said:


> I know where you're coming from, southbound, as sometimes the idea of living in my own space with my own time, free from the stressors of a relationship, is very appealing
> 
> I suppose it depends on the status of the relationship. For me, I enjoy the companionship a healthy relationship provides, and I like being part of it. When's a working and good relationship, the pluses counteract and outweigh the stressors.
> 
> My H and I have gone through some patches where I truly thought about leaving in order to regain my freedom - but also to find a new partner and enjoy that experience. If my H and I were to divorce tomorrow, I anticipate that I'd start looking for a new partner shortly afterwards. So in answer, for myself, I'd say "yes" to whether a new relationship would be worth it. I would surely miss it otherwise.


I see what you're saying too. I just don't have that "lonely" feeling that has to be quickly filled. I think that will help me in making good decisions that aren't driven by lonliness. I don't want to milk that to the point that I pass up something good either.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

South, I can relate a lot to what you're saying. I am recently divorced and have found myself thinking, "What's the point? If I date someone again, it will just end and everything ends anyway." I know this is the divorce "jaded" feeling talking since truly I love being in a relationship and the companionship but I have zero desire to date or be a part of a relationship. Maybe some day but tha day seems like ti's very far off. I don't believe in The One and I don't believe in Forever or Soulmates. 

Now, marriage and relationships are truly a great part of life and I look to my parents who have been together 35+ yrs and it's a beautiful thing. 

But I hear you loud and clear. You give so much of yourself in a relationshi8 sometimes just to walk away with...what? To end up back at the beginning.

I've thought many times that after this I won't remarry. It's too painful to think of going through another tornado of divorce. No, thanks.

I could feel different tomorrow but right now I understand exactly what you're saying.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

southbound said:


> The scary part is that all these seemed to be in place when my x and I first got together. Looking back, I can't see a single warning sign that should have indicated it wouldn't work out.


Hey Southbound, you know what is really funny, when I was writing this earlier - somehow I JUST KNEW you was going to say this !!!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

southbound said:


> I see what you're saying too. I just don't have that "lonely" feeling that has to be quickly filled. I think that will help me in making good decisions that aren't driven by lonliness. I don't want to milk that to the point that I pass up something good either.


If I found myself single, I got to tell you, I would have a hard time with a guy who felt like YOU. Because you enjoy your independence SO much that it appears or FEELS like you have NO NEED for someone else. I would feel you are someone who would want his "distance", do his own thing. I guess I like a little "neediness" from my man, the romantic who can't live without his mate. 

Your wife may have been like me, and felt you didn't NEED her enough. Hey, just a thought. I am the type who gets restless too if things get too "boring" , why I start conflict once in a while, to shake things up.

But no big deal, plenty of women out there who wouldn't need what I need. Plenty who would want her own independence & still have the benefit of marraige.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I just feel ruined for normal relationships
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ And you're married. LOL!


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Hey Southbound, you know what is really funny, when I was writing this earlier - somehow I JUST KNEW you was going to say this !!!


It's true, though. If, at this point, I could reveal that we argued a lot and that things were bad, it might make a difference, but things were not that way. She acted like i was Elvis when she was trying to get me to go out with her years ago. Actually, I didn't go foaming at the mouth when she was after me; I was actually a little hard to get.

I didn't show her any special treatment or attention. We even dated a while and then I didn't call her again for 14 days. she then called me, I told her I wasn't ready for anything serious and we parted ways.

She continued to ask mutual friends about me and called me again later and asked me out. I accepted and things clicked this time with me and the rest is history.

Since I didn't give her any special treatment then, why did she want me so badly?:scratchhead: I don't feel I've changed much over the years. I've never been Mr. Exciting and I feel like she knew that early on.




SimplyAmorous said:


> Your wife may have been like me, and felt you didn't NEED her enough. Hey, just a thought. I am the type who gets restless too if things get too "boring" , why I start conflict once in a while, to shake things up..



looking back, that might have been the best thing she could have done. The problem is, she didn't shake things up or grab me by the shirt and get my attention with what she needed; she just sucked it up and went on.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

southbound said:


> I didn't show her any special treatment or attention. We even dated a while and then I didn't call her again for 14 days.


This is very telliing to me. Says you weren't all that into your wife to start with. On a scale of 1-10 I'd give my 20 year marriage an 8. That said my Mr. not very exciting husband pursued me with a vengence when dating. Cards, letters, flowers, gifts, calls, love notes, the works. He would have never made it 14 days without talking to me. That whole he's just not that into you didn't apply. But in your case I think it might have. Maybe you were flattered that she pursued you but a passion filled marriage it did not make.

But to answer your original question yes I think relationships are worth it. If heaven forbid I ended up divorced I'd probably be dating rather quickly. I don't like to be alone and I like sex (only in a committed relationship though).


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I think it would be worth it. I had nothing against marriage as a whole; I was just married to the wrong person. I strongly suspect/hope I'll take things much slower the second time around, though... 

C


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I sure hope so.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> This is very telliing to me. Says you weren't all that into your wife to start with. On a scale of 1-10 I'd give my 20 year marriage an 8. That said my Mr. not very exciting husband pursued me with a vengence when dating. Cards, letters, flowers, gifts, calls, love notes, the works. He would have never made it 14 days without talking to me. That whole he's just not that into you didn't apply. But in your case I think it might have. Maybe you were flattered that she pursued you but a passion filled marriage it did not make.).


I always just saw it as not being "love at first sight" for me. I thought it was a good thing, because I certainly fell in love with her after a while. I felt that made it true love instead of just infatuation. I didn't assume everyone went head over heals at first, but you may be right. I appreciate the comments.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh I don't know...my ex was exactly how Magnolia described--pursued me hardcore and we fell deep for eachother and still divorced.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

magnoliagal said:


> This is very telliing to me. Says you weren't all that into your wife to start with. On a scale of 1-10 I'd give my 20 year marriage an 8. That said my Mr. not very exciting husband pursued me with a vengence when dating. Cards, letters, flowers, gifts, calls, love notes, the works. He would have never made it 14 days without talking to me. That whole he's just not that into you didn't apply. But in your case I think it might have. Maybe you were flattered that she pursued you but a passion filled marriage it did not make.
> 
> But to answer your original question yes I think relationships are worth it. If heaven forbid I ended up divorced I'd probably be dating rather quickly. I don't like to be alone and I like sex (only in a committed relationship though).


God do I ever THINK like you Magnoliagal - we must have the same personality type or something! ! I was working on a reply earlier & saved it- it was very similar to this. Now to retrieve it. 



southbound said:


> I didn't show her any special treatment or attention. We even dated a while and then I didn't call her again for 14 days. she then called me, I told her I wasn't ready for anything serious and we parted ways.
> 
> She continued to ask mutual friends about me and called me again later and asked me out. I accepted and things clicked this time with me and the rest is history.
> 
> Since I didn't give her any special treatment then, why did she want me so badly?:scratchhead: I don't feel I've changed much over the years. I've never been Mr. Exciting and I feel like she knew that early on.


Human nature, we want what is out of our reach sometimes. MANY women go after the hard to get guys thinking they can change & mold him into her Prince who falls madly in love with her & can't live without her. (I was more realistic than this when I was looking, meaning if he didn't show interest, I wouldnt want him anyway). 

Sure it happens sometimes, it works out to her liking, maybe she was heavily attracted to you early on - and this brought on THE CHASE. But sometimes those hard to get guys who don't call all the time (14 days! I would say to myself , he is NOT into me, the heck with him! - sorry Southbound). Those hard to get ones might be kind of ALOOF. You gave her NO special treatment? Come on southbound, you are painting a BAD picture here. 



southbound said:


> looking back, that might have been the best thing she could have done. The problem is, she didn't shake things up or grab me by the shirt and get my attention with what she needed; she just sucked it up and went on.


You know I think she failed here, since you seem clueless, I say she FAILED. But in HER mind, maybe she felt she did -just in a much more "subtle" way, I can only guess. 

Grabbing you by the shirt may be good a time or two, but AFTER that, I personally would only find it DEMEANING to keep going there -- to be asking/arguing for my husband to give me more of his time, attention, affection. Frankly it would tick me off  

I kind of look at this like Desire, if it isnt there or lacking, this is almost devestating to the one craving it, having to *ASK FOR IT* - it just ISN'T the same as feeling someone's passion for you on thier own accord- from their own emotion overflowing towards you. There is accually nothing more greater in life -than to have this and feel this from someone you love. 

I can tell you, my husband was not the most "exciting" man either, he is a passive one! But what he DID HAVE was this "overflowing abundant "wanting to be with me" ALL THE TIME thing going on. Even driving to see me on old country icy roads when we were dating-- I should have never allowed it -but I wanted to be with him so bad.

He was head over heels. His LOVE and continual attention to me is what WON me over -to want to marry him. I KNEW I would be forever loved by this type of man, so long as he lived. Means the world to me personally.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> God do I ever THINK like you Magnoliagal - we must have the same personality type or something! ! I was working on a reply earlier & saved it- it was very similar to this. Now to retrieve it.
> 
> 
> Human nature, we want what is out of our reach sometimes. MANY women go after the hard to get guys thinking they can change & mold him into her Prince who falls madly in love with her & can't live without her. (I was more realistic than this when I was looking, meaning if he didn't show interest, I wouldnt want him anyway).
> ...



I didn't mean to paint a bad picture. Let me explain. I was in my early 20s and had seen some friends get married really young. I was in a mind-set that I didn't want to get married really young. My older cousin was of the same mind frame, and he and i were having a good time remaining single, lifting weights, and burning too much gas in the pick-up on weekends. 

I feel that my attitude blinded me from true love for a while, but she continued to pursue me and I did fall in love with her and thought she was the best thing that ever happened to me. 

When i said I didn't do anything special, I just meant that I wasn't showering her with roses and calling every day in the beginning, but once I fell in love, I did.

Let me comment on the icy roads. I could see myself faced with this and reacting differently because of the way I was raised. I was raised in a family that taught doing things logically by example. Even my mom preached doing things that makes sense. 

Even if I was crazy about a girl, I would say, "It's too dangerous to go on icy roads. We may not get to see each other tonight, but there is always tomorrow, and if i have an accident and kill myself, which could be very likely, then we would have no tomorrow together." 

I want you to understand that i am not putting down the fact that your husband did this, you've been a good friend and very helpful to me on this forum. I'm just using that as an example of how my brain works differently, but perhaps too different. I have learned that logic isn't always romantic, and perhaps that is something that has hindered my relationship as well, but it's just the way i am. I guess doing everything logically can get boring to others.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

southbound said:


> I didn't mean to paint a bad picture. Let me explain. I was in my early 20s and had seen some friends get married really young. I was in a mind-set that I didn't want to get married really young. My older cousin was of the same mind frame, and he and i were having a good time remaining single, lifting weights, and burning too much gas in the pick-up on weekends.
> 
> I feel that my attitude blinded me from true love for a while, but she continued to pursue me and I did fall in love with her and thought she was the best thing that ever happened to me.


Ha ha , glad you redeemed yourself there! Makes sense. 



> When i said I didn't do anything special, I just meant that I wasn't showering her with roses and calling every day in the beginning, but once I fell in love, I did.


 So she WAS the apple of your eye, your Princess -once you fell. As is should be.



> Let me comment on the icy roads. I could see myself faced with this and reacting differently because of the way I was raised. I was raised in a family that taught doing things logically by example. Even my mom preached doing things that makes sense.
> 
> Even if I was crazy about a girl, I would say, "It's too dangerous to go on icy roads. We may not get to see each other tonight, but there is always tomorrow, and if i have an accident and kill myself, which could be very likely, then we would have no tomorrow together."
> 
> I want you to understand that i am not putting down the fact that your husband did this, you've been a good friend and very helpful to me on this forum. I'm just using that as an example of how my brain works differently, but perhaps too different. I have learned that logic isn't always romantic, and perhaps that is something that has hindered my relationship as well, but it's just the way i am. I guess doing everything logically can get boring to others.


No no, not too differet at all. Believe me, I think the same as YOU about the icy roads, I am very logical too, in fact if any of my sons even THINK they will do that, this Mother will hide the keys. I am not sure why my husband's parents didn't make more of a fuss. And sometimes he did stay home, but a couple times he still went out on them. It was DUMB & I am glad he didnt kill himself or wreck his car. 

I went & wrecked his car (of all days) on the way to take MY Drivers Test, messing with the radio, snow on the road - right into a tree over a hill, got pulled out & I still went & took my test. Had my 1st accident & got my liscense within a few hours of each other. Kinda nuts. Then he told his parents HE did it, covering my butt. 

No, nothing wrong with such Logic at all -that is being responsible. We were just blinded in some things in our youth.  

Back to your original question -- is a new relationship worth it . Depends on you, what you want for your life. You appear "Content" where you are- with your independence, your children & things to keep you busy & happy. Nothing wrong with that. Whatever you decide to do , I just say "Do it with Passion". 

I like this Quote


> “Passion, it lies in all of us, sleeping... waiting... and though unwanted... unbidden... it will stir... open its jaws and howl. It speaks to us... guides us... passion rules us all, and we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love... the clarity of hatred... and the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion maybe we'd know some kind of peace... but we would be hollow... Empty rooms shuttered and dank. Without passion we'd be truly dead.” ~ Joss Whedon


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Ha ha , glad you redeemed yourself there! Makes sense.
> 
> So she WAS the apple of your eye, your Princess -once you fell. As is should be.
> 
> ...


Concerning your quote, perhaps that is why I am so peaceful, maybe I'm not passionate enough about something. I was always passionate about everyday life, which I guess is boring for some. I remember watching a movie from the 50s once, and a teenage girl was saying something like, "All I ever wanted was a house with a white picket fence and a couple of kids", etc. I guess that's the kind of thing I'm into. I was raised in a family like that. My parents didn't have a lot of time consuming hobbies or something that kept them on the go all the time; they just liked life itself and the simple things that come with it. I suppose I'm like that, but that probably bores most 21st century people to tears.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

Would a new relationship / marriage be worth it?

Not for me. I don't want another man. For what? so he can be hateful, and rip my feelings to shreds. No thanks. These days I'm not feeling cheery toward the male species.

When I was single I never felt lonely. However; while married I feel very lonely.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

4sure said:


> Would a new relationship / marriage be worth it?
> 
> Not for me. I don't want another man. For what? so he can be hateful, and rip my feelings to shreds. No thanks. These days I'm not feeling cheery toward the male species.
> 
> When I was single I never felt lonely. However; while married I feel very lonely.


I feel similar to you, only I'm not to cheery about the female species right now. I may change next week, but so far i haven't felt lonely.

Sure, the perfect relationship and company of a woman would be great, but I'm not sure it's worth the chance of all the negatives one has to face.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

southbound said:


> I was always passionate about everyday life, which I guess is boring for some. I remember watching a movie from the 50s once, and a teenage girl was saying something like, "All I ever wanted was a house with a white picket fence and a couple of kids", etc. I guess that's the kind of thing I'm into. I was raised in a family like that. My parents didn't have a lot of time consuming hobbies or something that kept them on the go all the time; they just liked life itself and the simple things that come with it. I suppose I'm like that, but that probably bores most 21st century people to tears.


 If you are Passionate about what you just said, then it IS all good. Need to find a woman like that one in the movies. 

My life is pretty mundane compared to most women/Moms/Wives, but I don't think I am devoid of passion by any means. 

Growing up, I always knew what I wanted.....a guy who was crazy about me, to live in the country, didn't care if it was a shack with an outhouse (even looked at one of those one time)-just give me some country land, maybe a view of some cows outside my window, and a handful of kids running barefoot , didnt even need the white picket fence. I am passionate about these simple things, they might not be much to others -but for me, THIS IS LIVING in it's fullest. 

I am a home buddy too, give me a Bonfire with some good friends, good conversation- nothing better. I don't need to climb a mountain or run for public office, go dancing every weekend or be the 1st in line waiting for front row seats to see Lady GaGa or anything crazy like that. 

I bet you are passionate about raising your kids, You take pride in you house & your work. You are a "*simple man*" -like the song ! YouTube - Shinedown - Simple Man (Video)


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> If you are Passionate about what you just said, then it IS all good. Need to find a woman like that one in the movies.
> 
> My life is pretty mundane compared to most women/Moms/Wives, but I don't think I am devoid of passion by any means.
> 
> ...


I do have an indoor bathroom, but except for the outhouse, you just described my house and surroundings. I don't assume that will be too attractive to many around here, though.


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