# Disaster - IVF - Crying



## fixitup25 (Feb 4, 2016)

I am new here. I need help. I got married to my husband 2 years ago and I'm now on IVF. I am extremely sensitive and I feel very hormonal a lot of the time. But, I'm wondering these days if I am the problem or if my DH is being impossible. 

Some background. He makes good money and likes to buy me things because he thinks it will make me happy. I tell him buying me things (on his agenda) is not happiness for me. I'd rather peace and no fights over money. Well, he recently went and bought me a big gift - which was very nice. However, we can't afford it. Yesterday he freaked out on me about how we are strapped and that I have no compassion for him. 

He handles our finances. Anytime I question ANYTHING - he blows up. For example, he was just told that he may have to find a new job in 6 months. He's already looking for a new job, of course. And he's looking in places that would require us a to move. (I'm okay with that!) At the same time, he is trying to refinance the house. It makes zero sense, because the refi costs 6k and we may have to sell in the next couple of months. I simply asked him last night if that was the best idea, since we might be moving? He said, "you just like to start trouble, don't you?" "why don't you realize that I know what's best for MY house?" (I moved in with him when we married) He went on and on with the insults and said that I was "impossible" and that I like to "drop bombs and take no responsibility". 

He then went into an angry fit and told me that when the house sells all the profit is going into HIS retirement and that I won't get to touch a dime of it. I was extremely insulted since I work very hard and give him all my income. He was married once before and he knows how to protect his finances from a woman who wants to divorce and he makes it very clear that he is out to protect himself. 

Then, he began telling me that I don't realize all the money I spend -- and cited the fact that I dropped 6 dresses off at the dry cleaner today (for a work event next week). I was appalled -- now I can't even get my clothes cleaned? But, he's eating steak dinners at restaurants every night? 

The fight ended with him insinuating that I ran up my ex husband's credit card bill with all my dry cleaning and manicures. I was SO appalled because my ex was a dead beat who never worked and I worked MY ARSE off to make ends meet when I was married. And my current husband knows that. 

How do I even comprehend all this? This morning he is all apologetic and begging me to just trust him and "love him" and be "proud of him" and then he won't need to fight with me. 

Is this my hormones? I am crying non stop and I feel very insecure.

PS - Yesterday he blew up on me because I hadn't gotten my W2's in the mail yet from my employer. I told him that my employer said they mail it out by Jan 31 and I'm sure it will be arriving soon. He started yelling at me and told me I have no idea the stress I put him through by not handling my obligations with my W2s etc and that he can't do taxes without them. I said It's FEB! I have a huge work event coming up and I'm very stressed, and you want me to track down w2's that are already coming?! He asked me (yelling) to call my company and find out if they had the correct address and why it hadn't arrived yet. They said it would arrive by Feb 15 - and if not, I should call back. He was STILL yelling at me and said that I like to just live in la la land...and take no responsibility.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

fixitup25 said:


> He makes good money and likes to buy me things because he thinks it will make me happy. I tell him buying me things (on his agenda) is not happiness for me. I'd rather peace and no fights over money. Well, he recently went and bought me a big gift - which was very nice. However, we can't afford it. Yesterday he freaked out on me about how we are strapped and that I have no compassion for him.
> 
> Is this my hormones? I am crying non stop and I feel very insecure.


No it is not your hormones. And you should rethink having children with all the other problems in your marriage.

I will comment only on the gift giving part:

I just read the TAM recommended book "The 5 Love Languages. The secret to love that lasts" and confirmed that neither I nor my wife value gift giving. If possible, read the book. But there is a free 5LL app with short quiz in your app store that you can use to get a jump start on identifying what kind of love is happiness to you. Husband can take the quiz to. Worth your time. Sounds like H values gift giving for himself and thus he thinks you feel the same. Not true, as you know.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

No you are not crazy or emotional. But your H sounds like he is. If you guys are having financial issues, why the heck is he buy expensive gifts. Is he one of those guys who tells everyone he got you something?

I would start looking out for myself financially since, that is what he is doing.

Why do you want to have kids with this nutcase?


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## fixitup25 (Feb 4, 2016)

Well, he has put us in serious financial stress, but he does it to try to make me happy. He knows I miss my family and will see me sad...and then arrange a trip to travel. he will say we are fine financially -- and then tells me in hindsight -- we are not. He does these things to try to please me (I see that) but then makes me feel bad about it all. He says that he isn't even putting money into retirement and that he gives all the money to "us". That is true -- but if I even suggest we cut back on eating out (he LOVES to eat out w 100 dollar bills nightly)....he gets mad at me. 

The other day he was angry because I was at work and I told him I couldn't talk because I was listening in on a 401k meeting. He said that HE isn't putting money into HIS retirement and that he couldn't believe I was going to this meeting...that we needed to pay off debt before I even consider my retirement. 

He says all this...KNOWING that he may lose his job in 6 months. Sure he will have good options, but right now? It's kind of scary!




brooklynAnn said:


> No you are not crazy or emotional. But your H sounds like he is. If you guys are having financial issues, why the heck is he buy expensive gifts. Is he one of those guys who tells everyone he got you something?
> 
> I would start looking out for myself financially since, that is what he is doing.
> 
> Why do you want to have kids with this nutcase?


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

What kind of debts you guys have? Did you bring in lots of debts from your previous marriage?

How come you eat out every night? Can you or him cook? How far away is your family? Do you have friends nearby?

He sounds like he likes to spend then in hindsight regret spending. Because he does not have a clear picture of what the finances is. Do you pay the bills together or he does it alone?

Did your previous H had more money?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

As a partner you both should be involved in the finances and any large purchases. This is a marriage issue and not a hormonal issue. 

Get some counseling and come to a mutual agreement regarding how you will treat finances. 

Gift giving is fine when it's within your budget. A suggested, prior, The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman (book) covers this.....


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## jetzon (Mar 16, 2015)

i agree with brooklynann , he is a nut case , you really need to look out for yourself because this could explode at anytime !


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## fixitup25 (Feb 4, 2016)

My only debt is my student loan, car payment and another small credit card. That's it. 

He makes more money than I do and he tells me that HE takes care of the bills. He doesn't have me involved at all -- and like I posted -- if I simply ask questions about anything he gets very angry.

And no my ex h doesn't have more money. I was the work horse in our family. I am still a work horse, but this time my H makes more than I do.

As for eating out -- he loves to do that. I often suggest that we pick stuff up at the grocery store but he doesn't like doing that. He enjoys eating out.... And he likes his oysters and steak.

I don't have any friends near by...most of my girlfriends he doesn't like and suggests that they are "trouble"...




brooklynAnn said:


> What kind of debts you guys have? Did you bring in lots of debts from your previous marriage?
> 
> How come you eat out every night? Can you or him cook? How far away is your family? Do you have friends nearby?
> 
> ...


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Don't have children with him. Your children shouldn't grow up with a Dad who is so demanding and yells so much. Money is the number 1 cause of divorce. Your husband is too controlling. You both should be deciding together how to spend your incomes. Don't just hand over your check to him. He is protecting himself and so should you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Folks, this is Weirdo567.

I have given you many chances to use ONE account and only ONE account TAM. Apparently what you really want is to play games with us.

Please go see a psychiatrist to fix yourself and get out of a seriously abusive marriage. Your issues are miles beyond what TAM can help with.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Folks, this is Weirdo567.
> 
> I have given you many chances to use ONE account and only ONE account TAM. Apparently what you really want is to play games with us.
> 
> Please go see a psychiatrist to fix yourself and get out of a seriously abusive marriage. Your issues are miles beyond what TAM can help with.


Unless, of course, Weirdo567 is the abusive spouse? :scratchhead:


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

What just happened? I am too new to know Weirdo567. Is the OP in an abusive marriage?


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Wierdo, fixitup:

You need to become very involved in the financial decisions. You need to know all the account #'s and begin to keep track of what is coming in and what is going out.

He is going to balk at this, but he has proven that he is not financially responsible, and neither are you. However, together, you can have a successful financial future.

You have to stop relying on him to know when you can and can't afford something.

All major expenses should be mutually agreed upon.

Both of you need some "mad money" every month that you can save for something big or spend however you want without the permission of the other.

I too left the finances up to my husband for 24 years of our marriage. He made poor decisions, which made me angry. Yet I was not an active participant except to be on the receiving end. If he said we had money for something, I was all in. If we didn't that was fine too. The problem was that because his love language was gift giving, he was quite the spender. He spent us into debt several times. He could never say no to me.

Finally I got tired of the debt/pay off debt yo-yo and I set my foot down. I educated myself (using Dave Ramsey's stuff) set up a budget and he is on board. I think he is actually relieved to have me helping, because he knows he made a mess of things for years.

You are going to have to find your backbone to buck your husband, but you have to do it. Since you are married, all property you have together is mutual property and 1/2 yours. Don't let him make you think otherwise.

On another note, your husband sounds abusive. Keep posting her and reading books until you begin to recognize his abuse and decide that you are not going to put up with it anymore.

Take care of yourself.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> Wierdo, fixitup:
> 
> You need to become very involved in the financial decisions. You need to know all the account #'s and begin to keep track of what is coming in and what is going out.
> 
> ...


Rubies she is now BANNED again (for having multiple accounts) she can't and shouldn't keep posting here. We don't know if she is even a "she"...


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

kristin2349 said:


> Rubies she is now BANNED again (for having multiple accounts) she can't and shouldn't keep posting here. We don't know if she is even a "she"...


Just thought if he/she is reading he/she might get some help.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

blueinbr said:


> What just happened? I am too new to know Weirdo567. Is the OP in an abusive marriage?


She has about 40 accounts here all created from about 2008 to now. Each time she gets on, she changes her story a bit. But it's always the some thing with the crazy boyfriend/fiancé/common-law-husband.

According to her story she's with an horribly abusive man who steals her money, controls her, has broken her hand, and on and on and on. But she will not leave him.

Like I said, we cannot help her here on TAM since she will not even be honest with us.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> Just thought if he/she is reading he/she might get some help.


She has been told all of that hundreds of times. She does not seem to come here for help... just to talk about her drama.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I'm getting better at this... I figured out it was Weirdo by her second post!

:bounce:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

happy as a clam said:


> I'm getting better at this... I figured out it was Weirdo by her second post!
> 
> :bounce:


I think that we could do something with this. The first person who ID Weirdo could win a prize. Maybe one get-out-of-ban card >


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## Annie123 (Apr 27, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> I'm getting better at this... I figured out it was Weirdo by her second post!
> 
> :bounce:
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I figured it out by the 3rd paragraph, I win


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## findpeace (Jan 19, 2016)

Please don't ban me. I simply could not get access to the email I made the last account from. I should have just emailed Elle girl.


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## Annie123 (Apr 27, 2015)

findpeace said:


> Please don't ban me. I simply could not get access to the email I made the last account from. I should have just emailed Elle girl.


If you keep creating new accounts so that your husband/fiance can't figure you out on this forum (you once mentioned it), just stay under one username, when you have more than 30 posts you can have your threads moved to the private members section.
Also, if it was simply because you forgot the email you used, why make up new details? You are making it really hard for people to believe you and want to help you. Just think about it.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I knew there were a lot of weirdos on TAM. This just confirms it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

findpeace said:


> Please don't ban me. I simply could not get access to the email I made the last account from. I should have just emailed Elle girl.


Oh, how I've missed TAM


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