# do i confront him or will that just tip him off?



## 2468 (Jun 22, 2011)

Hello there
yet another is my husband cheating email..ive scanned quite a few of the messages here and everyones story is different.
I need some help any advice would be appreciated.
I wont go into the inappropriate emails, secret facebook account and lies..you have heard that all before.
My question is..do i confront him? do i admit i know your password to your locked phone and have seen inappropriate emails and texts? nothing concrete...
all he will do is deny deny deny and change the password!!!
I want the truth, unlike some people i will never tolerate cheating and if he has done that i am out. If its just inappropriate emails and texts and general unhealthy sneaky behaviour that isnt right for a married man, i can work on that with counselling..so what to do? im really torn up about it.
Talk to him and possibly tip him off to cover his tracks or what?!
so confusing im at the age where i want to have a baby so need to know now if he is cheating or not, all the signs are there but no proof. awful situation, i almost wish it was more clear cut like catching him in the act, its simple, ill leave. the word 'inappropriate' is just so hard to deal with. 
heeeeelllp


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

First off, you need to print those emails and messages before he changes any passwords. This way you have your positive proof that he cannot deny, trickle truth you, and gaslight you. Then I would install a keylogger to monitor the computer. Here's some references:

Best Computer Monitoring Software 2011 | Reviews, Ratings & More

This will ensure you can verify No Contact (NC) after you demand it after you confront him. This also prevents him from taking it underground and covering his tracks. The number one rule in this is never reveal your sources if you can help it.

Now, to confront him, just tell him you know without a doubt. If he asks how you know, just tell him that you do. If he is adamant about denying it, you can provide a single print out. If he gets angry that you spied on him, let him know that the moment he started cheating and destroying the marriage, he lost ANY right to privacy. There should be no secrets in a marriage anyway. The fact that he established a secret facebook account is already extremely hurtful because there is only one purpose in creating a secret facebook account, and that is to keep secrets from you and cheating. I know this, I hit the roof when I discovered my WWs secret facebook account. And yes, he is cheating, its called an Emotional Affair (EA). You have the right to demand he go NC with this woman if he wants any chance at Reconciliation (R).


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## 2468 (Jun 22, 2011)

Hello there, thanks for the reply, it is so very much appreciated. He seems to be flirting with anyone and everyone, so not sure yet if its just flirting and being sleazy (still wrong but can work on it) or if he has actually cheated (unforgivable). thats my dilemma have the talk now and let him cover all tracks or just see what i can find out over the next few weeks/months...i dont have children yet so more than happy to walk out of the marriage if he has cheated, i could never forgive.
All i can do is check his phone and look at texts and emails as i dont have his password to his computer..but thats a great idea to gather evidence that he cannot dispute.
Just wish i knew. The keylogger thing might be the best option. I feel awful having to snoop and invade privacy but i cannot remain with a man that is lying to me and cheating, i deserve a better life than that. Even last night he said he was going just for a couple of drinks with the VP at work..he 'had to go' as it was the VP..anyway saw on texts he was out drinking with all the young call centre girls..came home at 11pm and i was already in bed...not a nice life is it. so sad..


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

It's basically up to you how much evidence you need before confrontation. As sad as it is, you're in a better position than most people here. You have clear indications of his playing around before he knows that you do. This is to your advantage. 

Since you said he is the type of person that will deny and deny, then you may need irrefutable evidence. Installing the keylogger/monitoring software will help you and you will know the moment that he takes it underground. You should NEVER feel awful about monitoring him. I dislike the word snoop in this case because it implies you are doing something wrong. You are not. You are investigating, which is very much warranted in your situation because of his actions that are destroying your marriage and trust in him. Read this!

Betrayed Spouse Bill of Rights « betrayed but recovering

Yes, secret email accounts, secret facebook/myspace accounts, anything kept secret from you for the purpose of secret communications with someone who he is not married to equals betrayal. It's a betrayal of the sacred trust in the marriage.

You can choose to get over this and repair the marriage, but first you will have get your postive proof. If it's txts on his phone, either forward them to your phone or use a digital camera to take a picture of the texts. You don't want him to be able to deny, TT, or gaslight you.


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