# Philglossop's New Journey



## philglossop

So here we go.

Civil Partnership down the swannie is now 20 days from being over- legally. Of course it was over some months before that.

So this the new thread to discuss me heading towards total dissolution (or Divorce).

This will be about new life, with new partner, new friends and old friends. Certainly comments about XH will appear from time to time, but in a reflective happy manner. As my last post on the other forum said, I don't hate any more, I forgive. This thread will show how I move on and enjoy new events both good and bad, and we'll see how life pans out.

Scared? Yup. Happy? Yup. The future? My choice now, nobody elses. 

Here we go!


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## philglossop

Ah bliss...............

A weekend off- the first one properly in 6 weeks. So tonight will be dinner with friends and new man, a few glasses of wine and then home to chillax tomorrow.

Which cannot all be bad.

Had a couple of weird conversations at work yesterday. Both my direct boss and the big boss came and saw me talking about normal things- then my direct boss said " you are going for the vacant supervisor job when it comes up aren't you?". Took the wind out of my sails as I know potentially there's one coming up in a few months time. Then he said " of course you'll have to train your replacement"- double gulp- does this mean it's a shoo in?

It's a heck of a jump financially as well- from £17,000 to £25,000 with overtime on top..... plus shift allowances.......


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## philglossop

So despite seeing the doctor and upping my med's for depression last week- like a balloon it burst yesterday afternoon. For the first time I'll have to deal with this alone- feeling very very shaky today, as i do after the dam breaks.

Lots of supportive comments from friends- and I'm amazed given the flack of the last few months it took so long for it come to a head. But it has, and I'll have to deal with it. 

Oddly new partner doesn't appear to know how to handle this. I'll see how it pans out- but this could be the first (and only) Red Flag. It's part of me, and if he can't cope with this, he won't cope in the future.

I'm going to try and motivate myself to do some small jobs around the house- but we'll see.


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## Freak On a Leash

philglossop said:


> Oddly new partner doesn't appear to know how to handle this. I'll see how it pans out- but this could be the first (and only) Red Flag. It's part of me, and if he can't cope with this, he won't cope in the future.


You are dealing with a new man already? That's not going to help your situation any. You seem to have rushed into that one pretty quickly after ending the old. Never a good thing. 

Just my .02.


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## philglossop

Oh it's very very slow Freak, we see each other 2 times a week at most, and it's a fun old fashioned way of "courting".

Actually he came good in the end yesterday- rang me and we talked for about 2 hours about how I'm feeling.


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## philglossop

New rules.

1- No more Youtube for sad songs.
2- No more contact with XH (180 again for self worth this time)
3- Exercise again, money low so walking to and from work about 3 miles each way will help with mood.
4- No more alcohol for a while- possibly a long while.
5- Get back to being Phil again.
6- Relax, take it steady this next few weeks.
7- Formalise Divorce in 3 weeks.

New beginnings start with 1 step.......


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## philglossop

The depression is lifting.......oddly the anger has returned, sort of.

I have 1 serious unqualified regret. That I even as the petitioner in the divorce, I didn't really go for the jugular with XH. He got off so lightly it's untrue- no stress, no hassle just signed 1 piece of paperwork whilst I did all the running all the sorting out etc etc.

Yet oddly, am I that upset? Nah- it was a get rid quick system, which had led to a more peaceful, settled life for myself. OK, I've been working long hours to a)compensate for hole in life and b) to pay back what I've borrowed this year to move house, sort animals out, actually get divorced, but that's it now. There's money in my bank account for the first time in years and heck I'll have some savings building up soon as well.

Just another "what if I'd" moment I guess.

Still, nothing worries me anymore. No bad way to be.

:smthumbup:


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## philglossop

Just been reading another thread about sex after divorce- where I've actually admitted something I knew for a while but was too afraid to say. My sex life has improved! Of course it could just be lust days, but it's the emotional connections which are a million times better than before.

How to explain that? XH always called me cold, as he said I never cuddled him, touched him etc unless it was sex. Now I see what sub consciously I was doing, you only want to do those things with a like minded person whose heart and soul you love and adore. As much as he shipped out of the marriage and had numerous affairs, perhaps I shipped out as well? You don't demand affection, it should be natural- not forced.

I never used to be this analytical, but I'm so glad that I am now. Part of the development of new Phil. 

Bank Holiday weekend coming up in UK. Going to sort out the last of joint belongings which have been stored at my parents tomorrow, quiet Saturday night after that then working Bank Holiday Monday with any luck.

Have a good one TAM'mers!


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## philglossop

Big Day.

New man is meeting my parents for the first time....... well we have only been seeing each other for nearly 3 months.


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## philglossop

Happy Bank Holiday Monday to everyone in England and Wales (sorry Scotland/N Ireland you miss out!)

All in all a good weekend- been interesting if nothing else!

So took David to meet my parents, they got on like a house on fire. Then took him to see the caravan ready for the holiday next week. Seemed dead impressed. We'll see how it pans out!

It was XH's new partners birthday on Saturday night. So we did in my eyes the correct thing- sent a birthday card and bought a t shirt for him. I gave it to BIL at work to take down. Couple of really nice messages back, thanking us both for card and present. Actually left me with a nice contented feeling- life has truly moved on now.

Hit the beer yesterday knowing that day could be written off with hangover. Had some good conversations with people who I've not seen for months- very little talk of XH to be honest, but an acceptance of how life again has moved on.

Then odd moment. A "friend" and XH have fallen out. She ended up ringing me at midnight to discuss said fall out. Ended up talking online for a while with XH about fall out and his business, which hasn't been doing brilliantly. But was able to give advice which probably won't be heeded, but at least all parties concerned now know that I won't be drawn into petty fall outs and that if they wish not to speak to each other again, this will not affect my friendship with both sides. 

Then oddly had another conversation with XH this afternoon on line. There's more happening than I think I'm been told (you can't not live with someone for 11 years and know when the whole truth isn't been passed over)- but it was friendly, civil and respectful. We ended the conversation by both saying, you know where we are if you need us.

And that the point of this. The easiest option would be hate, rows and making thing awkward for mutual friends. Whereas I like to think I'm man enough to sort out and face thing head on now. No, there will never be point where I can see XH as my life partner in the future, as I've changed beyond all recognition from March, but if we can be friends, I'll take that as a bonus.


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## philglossop

I'm single again.

Wasn't ready. Hurts, but nowhere as bad as last time. 

Going to drink some wine and try to forgive myself for being a s**t. Jese why did I think a relationship during a f**king divorce would work? Talk about doomed. 

But at least I did it face to face, honestly as I could be. Think he's in shock- oddly I'm more relieved. Makes me more of a s**t. 

That's it. Single for a long time I feel- healing and actually finding Phil again.

But still feeling dreadful at myself.


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## ThreeStrikes

They are called rebound relationships for a reason

Learn from it, grow, move on...


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## Garry2012

Yep...gotta heal yourself first i think.


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## philglossop

Dust meself down and start again time.

Forget relationships, lets have a long term relationship with the person I love the most.

ME.


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## Garry2012

Thats the lesson I am learning. I just need to get used to being alone some...join some groups that are not dating related and enjoy life. If I meet someone, then so be it.


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## philglossop

So should be on holiday now, but have to work a late shift as a 1 off. 

Going to do some serious thinking this next week. Until now, I've been drifting, not really putting down next ideas or roots- But I'm ready now- to work out what I want from my life. Not other peoples ideas of my life, but MY ideas.

Everything is on the table. Work, home, social, even location if needs be. 

Because the old life didn't work, lets make plans for a new one.


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## Chopsy

You're definitely sounding better Phil! As I always say, it's all about ME now! I'm moving in a few weeks. Job hopefully soon after. After some time I'm settled I definitely will do a longterm plan where I want to be, what I want to do for work, likely retraining for myself etc. YOU get to decide everything!


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## philglossop

Just home from a week away in beautiful West Cornwall.

I've walked miles and miles along the South West Coastal path, as my calves are tell me....... so what's happened?

a) I'm finally divorced. Totally. It went through on Friday morning, paperwork to follow.

b) I took my wedding ring on holiday. And whilst on a walk around Lands End- I took it out of my wallet. I put it back on my wedding finger. I took it off. I kissed it.

Then I threw it deep into the Atlantic Ocean from the top of the cliffs. Then cried. But knew it was for the best.

c) I worked out what I want from life. My life on Monday night. What my future plans may or not hold. I admit it took more tears, but being alone and with a rather expensive bottle of vodka in a caravan in a field in the middle of nowhere, I worked it all out, totally.

d) I've sorted out my life with regards to the past. I know XH will be part of it, but he will not tell nor influence my life in the months/years to come.

e) I was struggling with a point on Wednesday when I went to my favourite village in Cornwall. A place called Zennor. Where I went into the church which was unlit. There was nobody outside nor in the church. I sat in the front pew and for the very first time in years, I asked for help from God. I prayed for support and advice. 

When I sat back up, in the corner of my eye, I saw a white small figure walking towards me. I looked about, there was nobody in that church bar me. There was nobody outside. It was a quiet scene. But this figure walked/floated towards me head down. When I asked very quietly, if my life was going to be better in the months and years to come and asked about the question directly to this figure, the response was a simple nod of the head up and down confirming everything was going to be fine. Then suddenly, the figure moved across towards me and I felt a shiver down my spine (bearing in mind I wasn't cold actually for September it was a warm day). And then... a total peace came over me.

Now I'm not a great believer in God, but I do believe in angels. And I'm certain that was my guardian angel who for whatever reason chose that moment to show themselves all be it for a few seconds. 

Woosh, that was a moment I will never forget. And guess what? Everything since has worked out as I would never have dreamed.


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## philglossop

I have a piece of paper confirming that on Monday 16th September 2013, my Civil Partnership was formally dissolved. Therefore I'm divorced.

Took a week longer than I thought in the end, but mentally I took the 6th as the formal day in my eyes. Start to finish in 6 months and 2 day.

Starting seeing a lovely guy, taking it slowly with our space and time. Feeling much more healed now.

XH is being, well XHish. Told him earlier that I'm not prepared to put up with his opinions anymore. The fantastic new pub is literally on it's last legs, he's miserable stressed and worried. I couldn't really give a fig. We'll never be friends, he fired my arse- and I've finally understood that I don't need his involvement anymore.

Worked like a demon over the last few weeks- and weights coming back on a bit- so rejoining the gym next month- promised to do the Plymouth half marathon next April.

Otherwise life is pretty darn good. Weird to be finally divorced and over it- funny how you stress over a piece of paper, but glad it's over now.


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## philglossop

Jese, XH doesn't get it does he......

He's putting picture messages on his FB about how there's two sides to every story, and that how I hate him means that I'm lying.

Does he not understand it's now simply ambivalence that I feel? That throughout this last 6 months I've not lied as my original thread shows? Yeah, made mistakes took the 4*2's and moved on. My marriage is over, and I'm over my love for my XH.

But the more things go on- clearly he's the one whose not moved on- and it's becoming clearer and clearer that's the case (if mutual friends are picking up on this)


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## 2galsmom

philglossop said:


> Jese, XH doesn't get it does he......
> 
> He's putting picture messages on his FB about how there's two sides to every story, and that how I hate him means that I'm lying.
> 
> Does he not understand it's now simply ambivalence that I feel? That throughout this last 6 months I've not lied as my original thread shows? Yeah, made mistakes took the 4*2's and moved on. My marriage is over, and I'm over my love for my XH.
> 
> But the more things go on- clearly he's the one whose not moved on- and it's becoming clearer and clearer that's the case (if mutual friends are picking up on this)


I have no idea what XH is saying on Facebook but you have not slandered him here that is for sure! Your posts have been upbeat considering your break up.


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## philglossop

Cracked yesterday.

Had enough of seeing cr*p online from XH. So deleted and blocked.

Time to cultivate new life even more.....rather looking forward to Autumn, even if it's long walks in the rain amongst the leaves.

And with the special man in my life- who's to tired after work he's already asleep in bed.......


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## 2galsmom

Go Phil! Keep up the positive attitude!


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## philglossop

Just be honest hey?

Girls Aloud-Call The Shots - YouTube


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## philglossop

Ah well.

Update when less tired and more with it.

Lets just say, home alone.

All bad.......nah. Hurt?........yup. Phil time? For certain!

This dating lark frankly sucks.


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## philglossop

So, I'm according to now ex boyfriend, not over my XH......

Perhaps he's right. I've been through the mill this year and then some, so it's time to stop thinking about dating/ rushing into things and concentrate on something far more important.

ME.

Have to admit, it's thrown me 10 left, someone pointing out that I'm not over XH. Hell, I'm 1000% better than before by a country mile, but still surprising to hear that I'm not giving a 100%. Doesn't help matters XH sticking his oar in at every opportunity, but that's his choice- and shows me that even if he did (which he won't) come crawling back, there's no way on earth an R would take place.

So what now? Have to be honest, I'm thinking about moving out of my home city- new beginnings, no past history, somewhere where people don't know brand Phil and Darren, so I can heal completely and start a new life. Had a look at jobs at work yesterday, there's a few out there, just need the courage to sit down and apply- then break the news to family and friends that I could be off again.

Or I could sit and ride out the storm. Which I think will be harder and more painful in the long term. I've no desire to sit down and talk anymore about past life, but perhaps I have to, to move on. Scares me to even think about it, but if push comes to shove I would. 

As the saying goes, 2013 is having more plot twists than your average soap. All I want is some peace and calm in my life.


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## philglossop

Quick update time.

I'm actually happy. Well if you ignore the stinking cold I've developed this week, but I am happy. Let me explain.

Seeing NM again- and we're settled and relaxed with each other. We talk and communicate with our feelings a lot., so there's no surprises, shocks or dramas. Its a bit scary after XH to be so open, but it's good.

Saw XH on Wednesday night, and he's not doing well- the only reason was to collect my glasses (which for some daft reason he ended up with when he left). He took me to his flat which he claimed was a palace back in my old thread. God what a dive. Disgustingly dirty, damp and little more than a squalid bedsit. Rather strange to see some old pictures from our past life on the walls, looking down on a mess of the life he's made for himself. He's racked with debt (he's admitted finally- on top of the £15,000 he left me with), his partner is clearly jealous and will not help XH to his dislike. There's a certain sadness in his eyes when I see XH now. Life wasn't better on the other side and now he sees me happy and moved on, perhaps he knows what he's lost, but thats not my place to dwell on.


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## philglossop

Absolutely blown a casket this evening and over the weekend.

Let me explain- advice needed mind!

About 10 days ago met a friend for a few drinks after work. He was a tad off with me- so being me confronted him with it. Turned out so he claimed XH told him I'd ripped his bank account out when XH left (see original thread for just how much s**t I was actually left with).

Then 3 days later another friend crawled out of the wood work and said the same. Then 4 days ago, yet another. All 4 have lent XH money for his pub and were told bluntly I'd ripped him sideways.

So come Saturday night, I actually spoke to XH and his NM- and confronted the pair of them. NM confirmed he'd been told the same.So put them straight. Told NM surprise surprise I thought he was basic scum- didn't mention the olde EA, because lets face it if XH can lie that badly to NM, he'd lie to me about well everything......

So come home to a raging txt from XH saying I'm not welcome a main gay pub in Plymouth. Fine. Not a problem. It's a dying on it's [email protected] pub. But today I got really really angry. It appears that everyone can throw dirt in my corner, but I'm for some reason not allowed to?

So went to my gay local, told the landlord who has supported me for 7 months the full and frank story- turns out guess who owes him money as well........... and then said he's barred with his NM. Luckily Shaun having been divorced can see cake eating -actually that's what he called it.

So home, angry, raging and feeling like it's 6 months ago tonight. 

Finally have told XH, as far as I'm concerned he's dead. No contact, no communication ever. Lying, stealing pr**k, yeah I'm well shot. Good luck with control freak NM.


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## philglossop

Done a lot of soul searching the last 24 hours.

Decided it's time for a change. As in total change. Luckily my boss at work is member of the BPA the governing body for my industry in the UK. So went up to him this morning, put my cards on the table and asked what jobs did he know in England/Wales that were going that I could do.

An hour later he came back with 2.

1 in Wiltshire- same money but 150 miles away.
1 in Suffolk - £5k a year more, but more than 300 miles away from Plymouth.

So I ran the contact in Suffolk and was told to immediately apply and I would be short listed with my knowledge.

Now I'm really scared. Stick and suffer partly through my own darn fault- or twist for a totally new life in a part of the UK, I've never even thought about visiting- let alone live in for more money and the same standard of living property wise.

Got some serious thinking to do.


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## philglossop

Not a week to live long in the memory- but a week where I know where I discovered where I should be heading.

So single again and will be staying so for a very long time. Turned out the guy I was seeing had a temper issue, ending up with me being hit. Which was good for self confidence i can tell you.

So he's gone, and I was doing fine. Then XH started the other night- multiple vile texts, Facebooking rubbish (I couldn't see as blocked but I got the gist from mutual friends). Honestly, on Friday morning I couldn't see a way through the rubbish.

Luckily, I've got good friends who calmed me down- talked it through and I'm in a much happier space today. 

But I'm putting those walls back up well and truly- seems to be that I'm picking the wrong sort of people and rushing matters. So from here on, it's my life, my space and nobody is even coming close. I've changed my mobile phone number this morning, blocked everyone in sight who doesn't know my story and shutting the front door for a few weeks to get my head straight (bar work and gym).

I'll get there- just need to be kind to myself for once.


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## philglossop

Well the advantages of being single.....

a) I can watch what the hell I like on the TV. Clearly it's Jamie Oliver Sunday on More 4 in the UK- happy days recipe finding!
b) I can buy the newspaper of my choice to read on a Sunday 
c) I can pick up the cleaning and stop when I like.
d) Sunday lunch is left over Chicken Vindaloo curry from last night.
and most importantly.....

e) I'm not seeing what XH is putting on Facebook. Apparently it's rather vile towards me. But he's blocked so can't see it:smthumbup::smthumbup:

Shame my latest update was about the up pending release of the Tour De France Route for 2014!!


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## philglossop

A week in Egypt, £189 all inclusive.

Almost tempting to crack open the piggy bank.

Next March mind!


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## philglossop

Rollercoaster hits.

Having been on a stressful high for the last week, I've come crashing down today. Black thoughts, revenge, you name it, it's been there.

And now. Home alone bar the cats on a wet and blowing a gale autumn night.

This means 1 thing. Fry up...........


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## philglossop

I'm being head hunted at work.

Let me explain. Back when I was with XH, we moved from Plymouth to Manchester then to Derbyshire for 4 years. Derbyshire is where my Mum's side of the family are from originally, so it was a kind of home from home. Then XH got fed up and wanted to come home, so we did.

Whilst my divorce was going through, I made little secret that I was fed up being in Plymouth- but cheerfully got on with it. My boss retired in April, and he's on the panel of the governing body for my industry. Anyway, he came back to work for the council as an advisor last month.

On Thursday he nipped in for a coffee at my office. And promptly told me, that his contacts have a job going in Derbyshire, more money, more responsibility and more or less doing what I'm doing now for more money. Not a lot more, but still more.

Thought about it over the weekend- then he called me yesterday for a coffee. So met him and this time, it was where's your CV, they're really keen and you can almost name your price salary wise.

The thing is, it's a fresh start- I can stay with relatives for the time being, more money, back to a part of the UK I love, no sh**brick XH hanging around like a bad smell forever. And yet, why couldn't this have come 6 months ago. It would have been a no brainer- thanks very much I'm off. I'm sort of settled now, still very raw and hurt but that's not as bad as it was by a long way. But do I jump when I know the promotion prospects are massive compared to working local government and the money will always be much better.

As for XH, totally 180 now. Having had an evening when he lost the plot and called me every name under the sun, I thankfully deleted every telephone number and online opportunity. His last whining comment was "you made me choose not to be your friend you vile human being". Um, no- I chose not to be your friend because you have BPD and it was an emotionally abusive relationship for the last 6 years because of his BPD.

Still, have to make some tough decisions this week. After all 2013 isn't working out how I planned, let's try and work out a plan for 2014.


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## philglossop

CV in to potential new boss.

Current boss wants me to produce Free parking signs for car parks for Christmas Shopping. Said meeting took an hour. Was told to make them "pretty"

New Boss wants me to train for the North of England authorities and for £10k more.

Guess who could be in the shock of his life in a few weeks...........


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## philglossop

Shortlisted for interview.

Before the deadline on the job.

F**k this is now serious.

Scared...............but excited.


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## philglossop

Toot toot- it's the Karma Bus again.......

If you run a business you need Public Liability insurance. Well you do unless your my XH. So when a customer has an accident in his pub, and then runs off to a lawyer to sue XH offers to pay off man to keep him quiet- thinking £3000 will do it.

But the customer smells blood and is claiming £30,000.

Situation becomes more complex in that customers lawyer goes into XH pub, takes photos questions XH undercover about the leak which led to the accident only to be told "it's always been there- tough".

Now said lawyer smells blood.

So customer wants £30,000, lawyer wants his cut and the only possible way it can be sorted potentially if case is proved (which it will- a damaged arm is a damaged arm)- and XH has no insurance. 

There were a lot of smiling faces who told me the story last night. Have I reacted to said case? No. I feel sorry for the customer, but XH really has done it this time. 50p bets that OM gets a pub in his name within the next month (so XH can get out of the situation).

Whilst I'm thanking my lucky stars that I've divorced and I'm not liable.  Good olde karma bus.


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## philglossop

Toot toot- it's the Karma Bus again.......

If you run a business you need Public Liability insurance. Well you do unless your my XH. So when a customer has an accident in his pub, and then runs off to a lawyer to sue XH offers to pay off man to keep him quiet- thinking £3000 will do it.

But the customer smells blood and is claiming £30,000.

Situation becomes more complex in that customers lawyer goes into XH pub, takes photos questions XH undercover about the leak which led to the accident only to be told "it's always been there- tough".

Now said lawyer smells blood.

So customer wants £30,000, lawyer wants his cut and the only possible way it can be sorted potentially if case is proved (which it will- a damaged arm is a damaged arm)- and XH has no insurance. 

There were a lot of smiling faces who told me the story last night. Have I reacted to said case? No. I feel sorry for the customer, but XH really has done it this time. 50p bets that OM gets a pub in his name within the next month (so XH can get out of the situation).

Whilst I'm thanking my lucky stars that I've divorced and I'm not liable.  Good olde karma bus.


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## philglossop

Londonlost said:


> You forgot you sent me a copy and paste on FB with this site on it didn't you. I do have full liabilty insurance with RBS, the case you are talking about was fabricated The (customer fainted) did not slip and was told he had no case by said solicitors after they received letters from witnesses in pub that day from my insurance company there was never any offer of any payment to him. The case was dead six months ago. So your ****ing friends can smile all they like..


Well well- good morning ex husband..........

Cyber stalking me- the last pathetic bastion? :rofl::rofl:

As you've found this- perhaps you'll like to do some reading. Like the 180. Or read the articles on BPD (narcissist with histrionics in your case).

Or read the threads on how your childhood turned you (yes you) into the emotional abuser during the last few years of our civil partnership (personally I think Feminist in Pink's STBXH rings a lot like you).

Always remembering of course, your last facebook message to me which I kept as loving message never to meet someone like you again....... which I won't, as I'll done the reading, soul searching and I know exactly how to read a red flag now.


After all, XH- my life is turning so much for the better- possible promotion, headhunted, own property, good friends new and old, holidays abroad booked. Plus I'm single. Master of my own destiny for the first time in 12 years. Shame there isn't a dance smilie to insert here. Out the wreckage of our divorce- looks like I've done pretty darn well. 

Now- if you don't mind haven't you got OM to talk things over with- or doesn't he know you've stooped to this level? Probably not. 

Back to the 180 XH. Back to the 180.


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## philglossop

Snigger, I guess when your that narcissistic, it's easier to delete. Shame I quoted him in my response.

Actually I text him this morning- questioning the idiots motives. He doesn't like the way people are lying about him behind his back (sitting in the victim chair like his Mum made him do whilst he was growing up). When he was told rather firmly to take to up with the people concerned (about 10 of them on Saturday night)- and there was no need to contact me on here, or on FB or in the pub (where he's firmly not welcome). There was no response.

Rather like the last line of my text- I think he got the message about how I feel now. "You are literally two letters to me."

"XH".

Well if you're going to find TAM- you need to face the lingo at some point!


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## philglossop

Londonlost said:


> Phil, I found out about this site purely down to the fact that you copied and pasted one of your posts from here to me via an email but stupidly copied and pasted the link to both the site and your postings with it. I have read everything you have said on here over the last 6 months with no comment whatsoever. I have read every one of your posts on this site and the comments from others to those posts (but then you know this as one of your comments on here is that I though they viewed me harshly). That is because they only have your side of the story, You failed to mention our first holiday abroad to Corfu where you instigated our first 3some with johnny by asking him if he wanted to get his rocks off (your words). Then after you had got your rocks off (came) you flew into a jealous violent rage when johnny and I continued "having fun" till we came. (sorry to be graphic but facts are facts). The next trip we had away together was to Bournemouth where we ended up having a 3some with a guy who was so clever and manipulative you ended up falling out with me and sending me home alone to Plymouth (Remember all this was within 12 months of us meeting). You then spent a couple of days with said guy from 3some then came back to plymouth moved out of our flat back to mums then we got back together, with you telling me nothing happened between you two. About a month later during a break in Manchester I overheard a conversation on your mobile between you and said guy from Bournemouth along the lines of I love you but what about darren (me) and (?) (his partner). I Answered the phone to him one night in the carpark behind the Swallow (Plymouth) and told him with your agreement that you and I were fine and to not call again. Then low and behold 10 years on you admitted that you had ****ed like bunnies.. Then Ultimate hurt for me was your one night stand with Eddie. we had a row that night and you ****ed of out and ended up in Zero's (gay club) and went back to Eddies. I rang and spoke to you while you were there and you told me you were at Eddies with him and his boyfriend, I knew that wasn't true as he and his b/f ad long since split up and surprise surprise when you got home the next day you admitted to ****ing eddie that night. The whole point of this tonight is that none of that matters anymore, you cheated on me, I cheated on you end of, just since you (accidently told me about TAM) you have been so dishonest on here and all these well wishing people that think I'm a **** deserve to know the truth about the person they are supporting.[/QUOTE
> 
> I'll deal with the above face to face XH.


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## philglossop

Boundaries reset following last couple of days reference above. Accepted XH's reasons- moved on.

Told 2nd big boss today sick of being run into the ground. Meeting big boss tomorrow now, but his deputy knows I'm sick of being run into the ground. Pre divorce I'd have taken it, now I'm that much stronger (basically don't take the sh8t anymore)- I'm not nervous. More excited at the prospect of the battle to come with big boss.

And if all else fails.....work to rule. As the song goes, "you can't touch me I'm part of the Union, you can't touch me I'm part of the Union- till the day I die!!!"


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## philglossop

Put my case across and got a regrading out of it (for minimum of £3k more hopefully) plus I got an insight into my future within the department. So despite getting the job interview confirmed for Derbyshire today- decided to stick.

The main reason for sticking, was that after all I rather like my life down here now- and I've got some fab friends and family which would be sad to lose. Oh the simple fact it costs money to move- and given I'm paying debts from the marriage and divorce still, it'll be nice to settle down for 12 months, save some money and enjoy a couple of holidays away abroad next year- France minimum!

Weirdly, rather calm for the first time in 2013.......At last!


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## Pluto2

For what its worth, it sounds like a good decision.


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## philglossop

Yeah Pluto, I think it was.

Hellish day at work- but got through it.

Was talking to bosses at work socially (well having a ciggie) when 2 of them looked at me and said (the conversation below).

"Haven't you spotted something Phil?"
"Nope"
"You're talking in the 1st person?"
"Eh?"
"As in you ran the 10k in Glasgow, and you lived in Derbyshire?"
"And"
"That's the point"

And that is the point, I'm doing it now without thinking- ok it was with XH, but now they're now my memories and I'm clearly subconsciously without even realising it detaching. Weirdly events of this week- its made it all the easier.

Odd feeling but ever so empowering.

So what was the power shift. On reflection, it was the last week. It's a case of taking so much rubbish, rewriting history, that I'm clearly at the point that the mind has taken it all in, and whilst sorting it out, I'm taking responsibility for a period of my last relationship. Made mistakes- tick! Worked through mistakes- tick! But harbour a post like XH made with simmering hate from the early days of my relationship with him and being it up some 12 years later? Nope.

Can't change my past mistakes. But future? Totally different. Still the future is still a scary prospect. But change what I/we went through and harbour hate? No. That's a retrospective look.

And my video for the mood I'm in?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SatwrqzLczA

Because finally it's the above........


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## philglossop

It's going to be a tough weekend.

But I'll explain why on Sunday night.


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## philglossop

Feeling really really sad and low today......

Absolutely ****ing hate myself and the mess I've made of my life. So I'm in the victim chair today- and you know what? I don't give a flying any more. I've been strong for too long.


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## philglossop

I hate goodbyes. 

So my life turned into a rather interesting version of Eastenders (British soap for anyone in the US) for a few weeks.

My last attempt at relationship ended a few weeks ago, but we've become bloody good mates- there's things about each other we've told each other, some people who've known him for years don't have the foggiest about- and boy have I talked to him about a lot. Our relationship was beautiful, the sex fantastic, but it was the wrong time for both of us- but instead of the expected chaos (which nearly happened thanks to some people) we're old another and wise enough to understand if we want to be friends we can be.

Even down to the point that when he quit his job and had to move house swifty- no where to go, so I took him in. Shared a bed, but no sex. Bit like Bert and Ernie I guess. But it gave us time to talk, develop and know that things for the pair of us could have worked. Then he dropped his bombshell.

He's a very very talented horseman (was No26 in the world when he was younger- nearly got to the Olympics)- and his talent is recognised across Europe and the USA because of who he worked for for years. He came back to Plymouth because his Mum was ill last year and he needed the family thing- so got an office job. Hated every minute of the cold calling. So he put the contacts out and got a job in Bordeaux France.

So when faced with the choice about 2 weeks ago, I told him straight. Follow your dreams. If it could have worked, I wasn't willing to take that chance of being 2 months down the line- the potential us breaking up and him hating me. Told him to follow his dream.

And he has. His new employer paid for his flight from London Gatwick to France this morning. He had to be there at 10am. So both up at 4am- I drove the 250 miles (400k) up and dropped him off.

Walked into Gatwick South Terminal, a place I started many a holiday years ago when I was single and with XH- checked him in- he asked for some money for a coffee- gave him some change then in front of the bank of check in desks I had to say goodbye to one of the best people I've met this miserable year. We kissed, (sorry Easyjet!), I hugged him, told him I'll talk to him online later and then said he could come back any time for a place to crash. Then I let him go. He was choked up, but no tears from either of us. The last I saw him was going up the escalator to security. We both waved and smiled and he turned away from looking at me.

And then for the second time this year, my heart gently broke again and I sobbed for England.........

Oh and Eastenders has a moment for sheer emotional goodbyes. It's called Julia's theme into the main credit theme. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mgeTpHDOFjE

And that's how this weekend has ended. But'll I survive- knowing I've got a friend out there in France.


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## philglossop

Default Re: Is this normal , will these waves ever end , when ?
I don't think the walkaways and waywards feel the same sense of loss, unless they get shocked into realizing the mistakes they've made throughout their lives.

They rewrite history and use their rationalization hamsters to make themselves the victims and the betrayed spouses the bad guys and reasons to leave.

I'm sorry, but the aha moment for them won't come. And even if they miss the betrayed spouse, pride will keep them from admitting it. There are exceptions, but [email protected] few.

Found this on the Divorce section. 

Wow- just wow. Identify totally towards this


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## philglossop

When the world appears to be a dark and lonely place, there is always my Mum's homemade steak pie and mash. Suddenly the world doesn't appear quite so dark....


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## philglossop

White burning anger and fury this evening. 

For no other reason that a mutual friend who is the ultimate happy person can't seem to get into his head that I don't and probably never will want to be in the same room as XH. When I put as how I really feel as in it's f88king hard enough being in the same darn city as that idiot- he looked at me and went "but you'll forgive him".

Had to walk away at that point. 

Oddly the different reaction to two other mates who I've not seen for months a couple of weekends ago, when oddly they were down from Wales. Both had the same opinion as me- and not just saying it for effect. One of those people was my XH's mate from years before I met him, the other one oddly nearly became OM's boyfriend. 

So love and hate really are that close. Because at the moment- the latters finally working it's way out. Which when you think about it- given I'm only 2 months post divorce and 7 months in total isn't a surprise.

But here I am at home- typing on here, getting my anger out rather than contacting that pair of skants. With me cats.

I need to rejoin the gym......get rid of the anger again.


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## philglossop

Yuk, a friend request from someone I deleted months ago on FB who delighted in my misery and took sides...

Like that's coming back into my life.......


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## philglossop

Well knock me down with a feather.

I passed the credit rating for a mobile phone contract.:scratchhead: How I don't know (given I thought my credit rating was destroyed)- but I passed with flying colours.

All I have to do is get £50 together and I will be the proud owner of my very first Iphone.

Which trust me is a BIG deal- given I've been on value Nokia pay as go for 2 years. No more making do with what I thought I should go with/have to accept.

No a big Iphone will be mine come Saturday. In my own name with my own credit rating.

And the best thing....... it feels fantastic:smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:


----------



## philglossop

Life finally turns for the optimistic.

a) New mobile phone contract in my name tomorrow

b) Big boss is pleased with my work at my 1-2-1 today despite external contractors mucking up the tariff. 

c) Been invited to Bordeaux for New Year, flights paid for and free accommodation. Accommodation next to a vineyard.......

d) Going for a long walk with my dogs on the moors on Sunday.:smthumbup:

e) Found a spare £20 note in my winter coat this morning- this means Red Wine and Chinese with Strictly on catch up this evening 

f) I'm finally actually loving being single in my own warm house


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## philglossop

My life is over........

I am now the proud owner of an iphone 5c. In white.

I've spent the best part of an afternoon downloading free aps and drinking beer with good friends.

It's costing me £37 a month, unlimited calls/texts and 5gb of internet a month.

And when I say my life is over- I actually mean FINALLY I know what the fuss about Apple is about. It's been 4 hours and I know this is going to be a beautiful long term relationship.


----------



## smallsteps

I just got my first iPhone too, I settled for the 4s though.

It will be here in a few days, I can't wait to see what all the fuss is about.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## philglossop

smallsteps said:


> I just got my first iPhone too, I settled for the 4s though.
> 
> It will be here in a few days, I can't wait to see what all the fuss is about.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I went for the 5c small steps as 4G is slowly starting to roll out here in the UK and I didn't want the hassle of the upgrade when it hits Plymouth. Otherwise, I'm impressed.


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## smallsteps

philglossop said:


> I went for the 5c small steps as 4G is slowly starting to roll out here in the UK and I didn't want the hassle of the upgrade when it hits Plymouth. Otherwise, I'm impressed.


That's great!! 

I don't know, it's almost like people look at iPhones as an "experience" not a phone. 

I enjoy hearing people describe them, like it's love. Lol


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## philglossop

Oh the delights of negotiation. Over an artificial Christmas tree (yes you read correctly).

But kept it how I actually feel now. Cool, dispassionate and professional. I was going to ask his brother if he wanted thing (as unless I pin the cats and the TV to it) there'll be no room for anything else here. Did ask a quick fishing question about him going to America next month (postponed... probably down to a waterlogged pitch), but other than that- light airy stuff of fuffy none important stuff.

This means several important things.

a) I can stop feeling guilty about my new dec's from a certain Swedish department store and John Lewis.

b) I can have a real Christmas Tree this year

c) I can text him now and not have the crushing urge to smash anything within range. 

Not a bad result I guess.......... any jobs going in the UN?


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## philglossop

So, that's the last of the financial paperwork sorted out from past life. Burnt the lot.

If XH totalled up what he really owes, the £15K I quoted on my D paperwork for financial irresponsibly came nowhere close. More like double and then some.

As for my debts now? I think I owe a £10 to my work mate, oh and £20 tea boat..........still think I can pay that on pay day.


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## philglossop

I somehow think this is going to the best start to a New Year ever.

Confirmed tonight I fly to Bordeaux on 28th December and back home on 2nd January. 

The perfect end to end this year and start my first full year of being single since 2001:smnotworthy::smnotworthy:


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## philglossop

Had a rough day yesterday, but here I am feeling better. Couple of reasons for the dead beat mood, busy week at work, not sleeping fantastically for a couple of nights and the looming of the next great hurdle.

Christmas.

Which is the weird one. I love, totally love the run up to Christmas- the decorating of the home (and in recent years the pub), the social aspects and then the day itself. Having finished work last night it was late night Christmas shopping- and all I got was a dreadful sinking feeling- the like of which I've never felt about Christmas before. A dread I guess. Yes, I know this Christmas is going to be good and very very different to the last few (singledom  ), so it's going to be a case of this year is going to be setting new ideas and those that I'll enjoy I'll take forward. Doesn't stop you missing certain aspects I guess. Still, brave new world and all that- but I just can't get any excitement for this one.

Anyway, went for a pint feeling pretty sh***y, in walks a friend who I've not seen for a couple of months- he came bounding over, and said "you look great Phil- much more positive" (ironic as I was feeling the opposite) but that did cheer my mood up- then a couple of other friends walked in and before I knew it, the mood had totally lifted and I was feeling reasonably good again.

So went for the bus and the fella who I dropped to Gatwick airport a couple of weeks ago rang up and he said Have you booked New Year off, to which I said yeah. He then said right, send me your passport details and I'll book you a flight over the weekend- you're coming to France for the New Year:smthumbup::smthumbup: Now that was a mood lifter in it's own right- so it's Bordeaux from 28th December until 2nd January. Which to fair after the 2013 I've had, I cannot wait to get out of Plymouth for a few days and it'll be good to catch up with my mate, drink some genuine French Champagne at midnight, which again will be a lovely start to 2014.

My mood towards XH has changed as well. I described it the other day as cool, professional and functional. Which isn't a bad way to be. Could that change in the coming months? possibly. But nothings to be forced, there will be no miracle. At the moment, there is nobody who can cut him or hurt him- so there is very little point in wasting energy in communicating as I know where it'll end up- blame shifting/cake eating/victim chair. Yeah OK, I f**ked up along the road of my so called marriage, but I'll know (if there will be a next time) of how to sort things out sensibily, without trauma, stress and meanlessing sexual meetups. But equally, I know the red flags and can spot them from a country mile. And I after 11 years 9 months don't love my XH in any shape or form nor really care if it's sorted or not. 

I've equally worked out that I don't want a relationship for several reasons. 1- I rather enjoy just being here by myself and 2- if I force it it'll be mistake and finally 3- I've got things I want to do for myself- like have holidays abroad alone and visit the places I want to, buy my own car having saved the money myself, I want to progress at work (if that's possible), just go out and have some fun and enjoyment without if stress of having to thing about another half and what if they find out that I've had an extra pint. 

That last paragraph may sound selfish, but it's truly how I feel now. As someone on another thread said similarly, I was lucky to have a relationship for 11 years and a marriage for 6 years- but that chapter is now over, it's time for me and my needs and wants. And if that means I'm single for a long term, so be it.

And that's really a rather empowering last sentence.


----------



## Jellybeans

That is awesome that you are spending NYE in France


----------



## Jellybeans

philglossop said:


> I've equally worked out that I don't want a relationship for several reasons. 1- I rather enjoy just being here by myself and 2- if I force it it'll be mistake and finally 3- I've got things I want to do for myself- like have holidays abroad alone and visit the places I want to, buy my own car having saved the money myself, I want to progress at work (if that's possible), just go out and have some fun and enjoyment without if stress of having to thing about another half and what if they find out that I've had an extra pint.
> 
> That last paragraph may sound selfish, but it's truly how I feel now. As someone on another thread said similarly, I was lucky to have a relationship for 11 years and a marriage for 6 years- but that chapter is now over, it's time for me and my needs and wants. And if that means I'm single for a long term, so be it.


I don't think there is anything wrong with that at all! Spending time alone can be great, especially getting out of a long-term relationship, you know?


----------



## FeministInPink

Jellybeans said:


> I don't think there is anything wrong with that at all! Spending time alone can be great, especially getting out of a long-term relationship, you know?


I agree! Take some time for yourself. So many people don't know who they are apart from a relationship, and that almost always spells bad news when IN a relationship. You've been with the same person for nearly 11 years, and you're not the same person you were when you met him in 2001. But who are you now? Do you even know? That's some food for thought. Are you who you want to be? If not, how do you get there? 

These are things you can't do/figure out if you're enmeshed with another person. And it's a very important part of the healing process. When people rush into dating and a new relationship, they've usually skipped over this part, and end up making the same mistakes all over again, and they can't figure out why they aren't happy with their new partner.

So take some time and just enjoy being YOU. You'll be a better partner in the future as a result. So it's not selfish; it's a gift to yourself AND to your future partner, who will benefit as well!


----------



## Jellybeans

FeministInPink said:


> I agree! Take some time for yourself. So many people don't know who they are apart from a relationship, and that almost always spells bad news when IN a relationship.
> 
> When people rush into dating and a new relationship, they've usually skipped over this part, and end up making the same mistakes all over again, and they can't figure out why they aren't happy with their new partner.


:iagree: Completely!


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## philglossop

Weird evening last night. Was out having a drink with friends when about 5 old customers from my last pub came in. I've not seen most of them since my split and subsequent D. Had a really lovely cool time catching up, a few questions about how I'd handled matters, but no stress no fuss. XH has dyed his hair by all accounts :scratchhead:, cue much mirth from the old customers about it.To show the progress I've made, it could and should have been easy to throw a *****y comment but all I did was run my fingers over my head and said "I've not got that problem have I?" which given I've got a shaved head grade zero at the mo is totally the truth.

Anyway was told it was sad that I wasn't around the area anymore, but they understood my reasons. Was nice to be called a Landlady again (which I was in a sense) and they promised to come back over Christmas.

Had my 1st house inspection by the letting agent this morning- in and out in 90 secs- apparently it was the best house she'd visited this morning in terms of no issues and the cleaning. No problems at all. I'm rather proud of meself.

Working tomorrow driving, so will be having a cheeky glass of red wine and then early night


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## Jellybeans

A cheeky glass of red wine sounds divine


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## philglossop

Another discovery since D Jelly, I rather like Red wine. I used to be a white/rose man, but now prefer the full blooded wines instead. 

Tonight is a cheeky South African with blackberry overtones. And at £4, a snip!


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## Jellybeans

Haha. I go through phases with my wines, too. Before D, it was a lot of reds, t hen I went through a white phase, then blushes, now I am back to being non-discriminatory. I drink them all! HAHAHA. 

Oooh South African blackberry wine sounds soo good!


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## philglossop

Two photos.

1st one, me 2 years ago (November 2011)- not a good picture and the real signs of trouble a brewing in the civil partnership.

2nd one. 1 month post divorce (October 2013). Much happier with a good friend.

Jese, I've changed this year!


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## Jellybeans

Yes you look much happier in the picture post-divorce!


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## philglossop

Thanks Jelly and 2gals- it's really been this last few weeks things have changed- as my Dad pointed out to me yesterday (and he's not a commenter by any stretch)- he said "nice to see the old Phil coming back. When I said from what period- he said "Pre 2002". That shook me a tad, was I really that different in the last 12 years?

Answer- yup. In the early days of my relationship, I guess because I'd not done the soul searching after my 1st relationship, I flipped very easily into the Codependent role. Which as my XH totally took advantage of- and basically stripped me down to a sheer shell over the years. So when it finally ended in March, guess what- the shell didn't even know what the hell had happened. So the obvious thing to do was beg, plead and try and fight for XH.

Then came TAM (see my original thread), and slowly through reading, understanding and most importantly- fantastic mates, I had the courage to divorce him, move house, sort out the debts, look after the animals and their arrangements. I discovered debts which were taken out in my name by XH, paid them off. I had the rebound and then the rebound rebound . But grew day by day.

I've tried the 2 by 4 moment of confronting XH and NM about their relationship and got victim chair of both. With some cake eating from XH. XH's new relationship started with NM 2 weeks after we split. Yeah right....like anyone believes that. He's trickle truthed about multiple 1 nighters when he was with me. 

Frankly, I don't care anymore. It why I sing in the car listening to the radio now. I know my XH was emotional abuser to me for 11 years. An emotional control freak. It'll be the reason why his ex's have cost him business after business- and no doubt it's my fault for the last pub going under. Never XH's fault. Nothing is. 

But at the point of collapse did he file? Nah- the victim chair is far to comfortable. IF his current pub fails- it'll be NM's fault. Always someone to blame bar himself.

And now I smile. Stronger, happier, relaxed.


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## FeministInPink

Phil, it's amazing, isn't it? You don't realize how much that relationship was sucking out of you, or how much you changed for the sake of the other person, until it's all over and you're out of it and can really look at it from 50k.

It's the boiling frog analogy... you've heard that one, right? If you try to throw a frog into a pot of already-boiling water, he'll jump right out because he know certain death awaits him. But if you put the frog in room-temp water and let the temp slowly rise to boiling, he will stay, contented, until he is cooked.

It's obvious that you're much happier now, and I'm glad to see that you're growing, learning, and reclaiming yourself.


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## philglossop

2galsmom said:


> That is how abuse takes over a relationship and kills it.
> 
> Excellent post again FeministinPink.


Boiling frog- never heard of that one- but it's true:smthumbup: And it explains why it was so hard to come out of the depths of pain this time- the emotional abuse continued until I made it stop. 

All I need to work on is trust, as I'm afraid the same could happen again. Still that's time and I've plenty of that.


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## FeministInPink

philglossop said:


> Boiling frog- never heard of that one- but it's true:smthumbup: And it explains why it was so hard to come out of the depths of pain this time- the emotional abuse continued until I made it stop.
> 
> All I need to work on is trust, as I'm afraid the same could happen again. Still that's time and I've plenty of that.


Trust - that's a big one for me. I'm far too trusting out of the gate.

Have you identified the red flags you missed/ignored with your Ex? And are you keeping an eye out for them now with potential mates? I think that's a BIG thing when it comes to knowing who you CAN'T trust. I'm not saying an absence of the red flags indicates one can trust another person, but at least recognizing the flags tells you when you definitely cannot.


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## FeministInPink

2galsmom said:


> That is how abuse takes over a relationship and kills it.
> 
> Excellent post again FeministinPink.


Aw, shucks -- thanks!


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## philglossop

Well hopefully I'll be in France for the New Year, but it's all gone quiet from my mate- doesn't surprise me, so have a plan b lined up (but it's nice to have options- another something new- so if Plan A doesn't come off- it'll be a night out with friends instead).

Having spent 2013 week watching, the last 2 months have been rather non descript. So have an idea to shake up the first half of 2014- basically been challenged to run the Plymouth half marathon in late April. 16 week training programme which is perfect, as I miss week watching- another goal to aim at.

But bearing in mind the last running I did was 9 years ago when I did a 10k in Glasgow- it's going to be painful starting- but not as painful as 2013..... I must need my head reading.:lol:


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## Jellybeans

2galsmom said:


> I am working on launching my blog and I want to devote a whole post to that analogy. Really. I will credit you of course. Bravo.


What is your blog going to be about?


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## FeministInPink

2galsmom said:


> I am working on launching my blog and I want to devote a whole post to that analogy. Really. I will credit you of course. Bravo.
> 
> Right now I am resisting TAM Depression and wishing I was philglossop and off to France. I am happy someone is able o conduct their post D recovery in my beloved France. Cheers to Phil!


I would ask you to cross-post/guest post on my blog, but I have posted in about a century. 

PM me the link when it's up -- I would love to read it! (The blog in general, not the specific post.)

EDIT: I mean I HAVEN'T posted in about a century. D'oh!


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## Jellybeans

Me, too. (PM me)


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## philglossop

And me please!!!:smthumbup:


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## philglossop

I've booked myself in for a tattoo on Saturday.

Found the perfect quote for my left lower arm.......

"Nothing so gentle as real strength"

Which sums up everything and if in the future I have low points I can recall my strength from this year.

Call it the start of my "midlife crisis". 

Next stop MOTORBIKE LICENCE!!!


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## philglossop

I don't know- rollercoast hits again for the first time in a while.

Moneys been tight this month and I've spent probably too much time at home alone- but flat as a pancake at the moment. Yet oodly, really looked forward to coming home, shutting the door on the world and catching up with "I'm a Celebrity get me out of here".

It's close to pay day, so I'll get there. Weather doesn't help, cold grey November day, so having pie and chips for tea (a winter dinner if there was one).

But it's going to be a good weekend. New tattoo, shopping and a night out with the lads on Saturday for the first time in months. Rather looking forward to that- I feel lager and laugh coming on this weekend.


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## philglossop

Bah.............insomnia.

Awake since 145am, it's now 305am and it's going to be a long day as a result.......


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## philglossop

New Tattoo day

Oh and XH is coming around tomorrow to collect the old Christmas Tree for his pub. :banghead:

Don't know which one of the two will be the biggest pain....... any tips if he gets arsey tomorrow peeps?


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## philglossop

Really really pleased with new tattoo- it's come off a treat. And it didn't hurt as much as I feared, more of an annoyance- couple of points I sort of yelped but nothing I've done before. It hurt more after for a while but it's calmed down now.

Tattooist had never heard of the saying- but he's going to recommend it so I could have started a trend.

Sunk a few beers after with mates and had a really good afternoon- planning Christmas and decorating house tomorrow- more in the festive mood I guess- and off to London next weekend which is always good fun- catching up with friends up there.


----------



## philglossop

Well like yesterday- it wasn't bad with XH. Actually, it was really nice- no bad words, just adult conversation- catching up. I did tell him I wasn't in love with him anymore which he smiled at and said "I know".

But it was the first time I've seen him and I genuinely, genuinely didn't feel anything in that way. It was no different to having mates around for a drink- just a connection from the past -talked about parents, mutual friends even his partner. Having not seen him for 2 months has helped enormously. Perhaps to demonize him as a coping strategy helped, but he's no demon. Who knows what will happen in the future, but no more Phil and Darren (mark 1). 

Weird in that I'm totally calm and relaxed. I probably won't see him for a few months again- but that's fine. Hopefully he understands that if he needs a shoulder to cry on in extreme emergency all he has to do is ring or text. And that will be cool. Equally if I have a problem- he'll be there.... eventually knowing him as I do!

I know on TAM this post may get some finger/head pointing (Oh Phil it's a 2x4 moment again)- but I'm cool. I'm single/happy/relaxed with bloody good mates and going totally with the flow for 2014. Let's just leave it as it is.


----------



## philglossop

Miserable afternoon in work. 

But off out to dinner with my twisted sisters (or as other people would call them- "the footy lads"). I feel a few lagers and curry coming on. Been working my way up the strength levels in the last couple of months- and I feel it's nearly time for the move from Vindaloo to Phal.

In that respect, perhaps it's not been that bad a day!


----------



## philglossop

Utterly utterly fed up at the moment.

Sick to death of being Mr Tickyboo, Mr Ignored and Mr Downtroden. 

Mr Tickyboo tells everyone it's going well and I'm happy. I am most of the time- but when I'm not everyone thinks I should be. And that p***es me off. Part of the long journey I guess. My sex drive is finally waking up again- but my self confidence almost feels like the early months. Self confidence is low. I really don't feel attractive in the slightest. Don't even think I can trust a man (thanks XH for running that into the road).

Mr Ignored and Mr Downtroden is work related. Flung a sickie today, they'll cope without me.

Sorry for the negative post, but bloody sick of a lot of things at the moment.


----------



## philglossop

Suffered with depression for years. Had all the tests, there's a wiring problem in my brain- brain doesn't make serotonin- normally I can cope. Now I admit it. It's come back.

It's hitting hard. Taking my med's as I've done for years (Mitazapine 45mg)- but this is a real Black Dog moment. Down in the pit which I've not been in for many many years. Only this time I have to deal with it alone.

Felt it coming on Tuesday- but yesterday and certainly today it's hit. Not a clue how long it'll last, but the last time was a two week job and 4 weeks off work. Classic symptoms, stiff neck- headaches and not giving a flying about anything.

It's the one thing XH was pretty good at, supporting me when it hit. Of course he used it against me during the split and divorce (my mentally ill ex- you get the idea of what I heard from people)-so it's down to me now.

I'm proud of my condition normally, but when it hits- it f**king hurts. And I'm hurting badly at the moment.


----------



## Pluto2

sending hugs that this passes quickly


----------



## philglossop

Thanks guys- had a bloody good cry last night and got all the rubbish out of my system which I'd been bottling up for months. Then slept solidly for 13 hours, barely waking even for a drink of water.

Still full of tension (my neck is killing me)- but feeling miles miles better than I have for a long time. 

Didn't go to London today- but I think that's down to apathy and tension, but think it was the correct decision today.


----------



## philglossop

Well, ended up being a nice afternoon- went into Plymouth shopping- picked up a pair of trainers in the sale (£65 down to £22) and a polo shirt (£95 down to a ridiculous £6!) so was well happy. 

Went to the pub for a drink and ended up chatting to some mates for ages got rather merry and woke up this morning with a gale force hangover (my own fault).

Cooking myself a roast today for the first time in months and chilling with a rather nice glass of white wine- which will help the headache a lot.

Worked out what tail spun me- well actually Sue and Steve told me what tail spun me- it was having Xh here last weekend. Was told in no uncertain terms- back to NC Phil. Which I've done for a week- build on that and move forward.

Start me training for the half marathon in a week or so which will be good for my self esteem- and the weight is falling off my again, so I'll take that! 

Have a good Sunday everyone!!


----------



## philglossop

Well, when the chips were down and after all thats happened I kept my side of the bargain.

Let me explain.

I was left with the cats and dogs following my split/divorce. The dogs now live with my Mum and Dad in doggy heaven where they get 3 walks a day and breakfast thrown in for free.

I have the cats with me.

I always promised that no matter what, I always keep XH informed if there was a problem with animals. I got home last evening to find 1 of the cats Snoopy acting very oddly. Figured it would need the vets, but not so important as to go racing off. So I txt'd XH informing him of the situation, which was fine.

This morning, came down stairs and Snoopy followed me- and looked like within a minute he was having a fit. Eyes rolling, couldn't stand up. So rang a work colleague whose wife works at the vet hospital and he made the arrangements for me to go straight there.

I only thought it fair that I should keep XH informed, as at several points I genuinely thought Snoopy was going to pass away, so warned XH for the worst. he was kind and nice back by text.

Anyway after several rather expensive tests and checks and being given oxygen- it looks like my poor boy has had a "stroke"- but he's comfortable and not in pain, and like his owner a bit older and a tad wobbly in the legs. Nothing can be done unless I pay for an MRI scan (£3000) which will only tell me....he's had a cat stroke.

Anyway, when I got the news, I rang XH and told him the news- he was glad to hear from me and thanked me for ringing and keeping him informed. When I got home I put Snoopy on my bed took a photo and sent to XH and he asked if I could give him a kiss, which I did immediately- saying that his other Dad still loved him.

Could have gone to see XH to discuss it as I've been at a late works neighbour meeting, but there's little point and to be fair, the boundaries are working so why metaphorically "poke a sleeping dog"?

So came home and found my Snoopy asleep on the bed and gave him a cuddle instead.


----------



## Sandfly

You sound like a good fellow, and I like your positive attitude. 
Just my impressions, but you also sound a but torn up.

It's funny to read about a guy going shopping in Plymouth like he was one of the new Yorker girls in sex and the city.

I think things will turn out well for you, as long as you stay away from the booze and the sad songs!!

All the best!


----------



## philglossop

Basically yes, MRI to confirm what is looking likely.

If it's the other option (brain tumour) he'll go down hill quickly and I'll have to let him go. So we'll see but he's happy at the moment.


----------



## philglossop

Snoopy getting better- still sleeping a lot but not so wobbly now.

Work is good- looks like I did myself a bundle of massive favours by attending that neighbourhood meeting last night. 2014 could be very good as a result. 

Social life........Do I want a Toy Boy or be a Toy Boy. Or date both? 

It's nice to have options........


----------



## Pluto2

So glad about Snoopy. I had a cat that had a stroke, and while she kind of drooled out of one side of her mouth, she lived a long and happy life after that event.

I suppose if you want toys ........


----------



## philglossop

You'd get arrested today for crimes against music.......

But this hit number 2 in the UK chart in 1987. The Toy Boy she's singing about is a certain Mr Simon Cowell!!

Sinitta Toy Boy - YouTube


Well Boys and their toys.......


----------



## philglossop

I'm not as unfit as I thought.

A 9 mile yomp on Dartmoor in 3 and 1/2 hours with a near gale force wind in my face. Talk about clearing the head- trouble is, my darn hips are killing me (probably thanks to the 20 pound rucksack on my back).

Off to price up some new gaiters- mine are shot and offered no protection!


----------



## philglossop

WOOOOOOOO

Where did that spring from????

Cupid is a sneaky fellow.:smthumbup:

And the scary thing, same as 2002 when I formally give up it potentially happens..........


----------



## philglossop

No, No, No.

I'm not jinxing this.......


----------



## philglossop

TTTTTTOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!

KARMA BUS CRASHES TOTALLY INTO XH'S LIFE!!!

XH has lost his pub, his business and all money as of 1pm this afternoon. He's in pieces. Cut up- blaming everyone but himself. It's all a stitch up.

So for all those nights since March until October where I sat around crying, upset, wondering where my life was going, having pay debts off, pay for divorce, move house, sort animals out, tonight I raise a glass. 

To celebrate.

(Because frankly I deserve it).


----------



## Pluto2

and cupid......


----------



## philglossop

I know Pluto.

People having been telling me for weeks the tide had turned.

Boy oh boy has it this last two days!


----------



## philglossop

The day that keeps giving

In this chaos XH is engaged to other half........


----------



## philglossop

philglossop said:


> Thanks Jelly and 2gals- it's really been this last few weeks things have changed- as my Dad pointed out to me yesterday (and he's not a commenter by any stretch)- he said "nice to see the old Phil coming back. When I said from what period- he said "Pre 2002". That shook me a tad, was I really that different in the last 12 years?
> 
> Answer- yup. In the early days of my relationship, I guess because I'd not done the soul searching after my 1st relationship, I flipped very easily into the Codependent role. Which as my XH totally took advantage of- and basically stripped me down to a sheer shell over the years. So when it finally ended in March, guess what- the shell didn't even know what the hell had happened. So the obvious thing to do was beg, plead and try and fight for XH.
> 
> Then came TAM (see my original thread), and slowly through reading, understanding and most importantly- fantastic mates, I had the courage to divorce him, move house, sort out the debts, look after the animals and their arrangements. I discovered debts which were taken out in my name by XH, paid them off. I had the rebound and then the rebound rebound . But grew day by day.
> 
> I've tried the 2 by 4 moment of confronting XH and NM about their relationship and got victim chair of both. With some cake eating from XH. XH's new relationship started with NM 2 weeks after we split. Yeah right....like anyone believes that. He's trickle truthed about multiple 1 nighters when he was with me.
> 
> Frankly, I don't care anymore. It why I sing in the car listening to the radio now. I know my XH was emotional abuser to me for 11 years. An emotional control freak. *It'll be the reason why his ex's have cost him business after business- and no doubt it's my fault for the last pub going under. Never XH's fault. Nothing is. *
> 
> But at the point of collapse did he file? Nah- the victim chair is far to comfortable. IF his current pub fails- it'll be NM's fault. Always someone to blame bar himself.
> 
> And now I smile. Stronger, happier, relaxed.


And boy oh boy did that statement come true late last night. Yes folks indeed it is my fault for the loss of the XH's business. Even if I wasn't around for the last 9 months (the small matter of Divorce doesn't matter) he was screaming down the phone it was my f**king fault.

Like a pathetic little boy he is the victim chair must have been very very comfortable.

Now given my powers of seeing into the future- I can give next weekends Lottery numbers...... (for a percentage cut of course:rofl


----------



## Sandfly

80% of the takings, if you give me the numbers for Saturday.

Deal?


----------



## philglossop

No Deal!:smthumbup:

Anyway- I have become very very close to a new man. He's half Italian, works for Cornwall Council Highways (something to talk about in common as Parking and Highways are close cousins!)

He's into Rugby Union and he's invited me to Penzance to a rugby Christmas Do this week- black tie and then a champagne reception

I've been in touch with my old pals down at Penzance Football Club and I've arranged for us to have lunch at Penlee Park on Sunday before going on to a restaurant in the evening. Then train home again on Monday evening.

This is the Phil from years ago. Christmas 2013 is actually going to be rather special I feel!


----------



## philglossop

I'm done. Forget No Contact, forget 180. I'm actually at a point I never thought I'd be. It's not contact for the short term, it's no contact for life.

I've been in touch with people today who I've not been in touch with since the split. I was told that they wanted nothing to do with me ever again even on Monday night. It was all lies. Everything that came/comes out of his mouth are lies. POS is no damn different. Birds of a Feather.

He's stolen from pensioners, not paid people money to live or survive even up to Christmas. He's taken advantage of friends for own gain. He's not even scum. He's nothing. It's really sad when friends start talking and they understand that they've been lied to about me and my actions (they'll be logging on here later I've advised them of my threads- so they can confirm the times.)

There's been tears, upset at the lost months and sheer duplicity of the actions by XH today. But almost relief at the end of the months of it.

So I'm done. I honestly feel the weight has totally lifted, for the first time in 12 years I actually feel free.


----------



## Pluto2

I'm sort of glad that this door has finally closed for you, yet sad you ever had to go through it in the first place.
Now on the future.
Black tie event for the holiday, oooohhhhhh! I'm so jealous.


----------



## philglossop

Your right Pluto- it's a place I thought I'd get to nor thought I would, but I have and I'll deal with it accordingly. I simply shudder at the thought of just how close I came to be tied up in this web of lies- and thank god I pulled the trigger back in May to come out of Limbo and D.

Had my work shift chinese this evening- great to catch up with the old gang properly- have a laugh and joke- and several pointed comments about "what goes around", just a real good time with people who I've known for years and perhaps without even knowing it helped me through those dark days of Spring and early Summer. It was nice to be called by my old shift nickname again - "The Pink Panther" and to talk about the future and the prospects for 2014. 

As most of them said- a year ago you never thought you'd be divorced did you? But equally, did you know you'd be so much happier as a result?

Then as in the old days- silly party games- I lost have to do a forfeit. Not looking forward to cleaning the toilet in the rest room tomorrow........:rofl::rofl::rofl:


----------



## philglossop

Just back from a two day break down in West Cornwall- got to know PNM really well, a lot in common and a lot of laughter and chatting.

Anything else???? That would be telling tales......:rofl:


----------



## philglossop

Christmas Eve....... Reflection time

I think I've nearly made it. Just been looking back at my FB from a year ago and it's like reading some strangers profile. A year ago I was worrying about food to go orders, the nicest alcohol and trying to keep XH happy. What a lot of wasted effort and a pile of image based rubbish. I don't even like myself reading those posts- yuk what a Grade A pr**k

Then reading through my posts from the ILUBINILWU speech date from March until September- it was faking it. Finding my feet in the world again.

Then from mid October when I went really dark on XH boy did the posts change in tone and attitude. Much more positive and happy and more importantly happy with my lot.

And then now- well I'm not going to run headlong into things- but a more measured happy Phil types this. Last Christmas Eve- lets buy an expensive bottle of Port for Christmas Day- today- lets clean out the cat litter tray, book some train tickets so I can go and see PNM for the weekend from Friday, and then meet my friends and sink a couple of beers.

Some people would say 2013 hasn't been a good year. They'd be correct, *rather* it's been a building and development year- the foundations are solid and there's literally nothing you can throw at me and I won't deal with.

I hope you all have a Happy, festive relaxing time with people who love and care for you. Because I know I will xx


----------



## philglossop

Happy Boxing Day

Well, in the end it was a great day. If you put effort in during year- it gets rewarded.

Had a slow morning at home which was the part I was dreading, but watched a DVD of a UK sitcom "Vicious"- which was excellent. Then caught up with my soaps before going over to Mum and Dads for lunch

Broke the rules of the last few years, watched a Carry on Film, then had dinner (a rather nice duck rather than turkey)- then watched the good old Queen speech at 3pm. Then watched an old episode of Wipeout and fell asleep for a while.

Then into town and had a great night out with friends some alcohol and ended up walking home at midnight to clear my head.

And as far as I'm concerned, that was the perfect Christmas Day. No running to XH relatives who I didn't like, no putting up with strangers like last year. Just the inner circle at lunch and friends in the evening.


----------



## philglossop

So here it finally is- the end of 2013 and the waxing lyrical part.

Earlier on today, I took my work calendar down and looked back through it when meetings took place, events happened, nights out were planned. And you know what, I did all that and then some this year. All with laughter, tears, happyness and some awful dark sadness. 

But the Phil typing this isn't the same Phil from last year. Actually it's the new improved, worldly wise Phil who took a hell of a hit in the Spring- but slowly has worked back to form a new exciting life where friendships have been formed, bonded and in some cases totally destroyed. That's normal.

But the true word to sum up 2013 for me will be honesty. Because I've been honest throughout, sometimes brutally so but never so much has a lie come out of my mouth since March 2013. I've not rewritten history, lied about my Civil Partnership, done cheap stunts and nor would I wish to. Because I couldn't live with myself if I'd done that.

Special thanks to the following people, A, M, D, K, E, J, S, L, G and PS. 

Also to the man who was so vile to me when I first met him, but became a true friend and confident during the Autumn- I give you Mr DP- matey cheers for everything- still miss you being around if only for the tales of how you slept in a bus stop having been in Flares till 4am (if you save a £10 in your condom pocket you could get a taxi you know babes!)

To M down in Cornwall- lets see how it goes, as we discussed last night. But again thank you for a lovely Christmas period. x 

Finally to two people who aren't on Facebook. Mum and Dad- I love you both more than you will ever know and I know you've been hurt and crushed at points this year, but hey 2014 is going to be a good year for the D****** Mafia!

To everyone else family, friends I wish you all a Happy 2014 and I'll see you on the other side.


----------



## philglossop

Oooh my head.

At 2359 last night I was literally encircled by my friends and 1 mentioned in my ear (cheers Jambo)- this is your moment. So as the countdown ended and Big Ben struck Midnight I literally punched the air and burst into tears. Yup, the worst year of my life was over, I'd made it. Sobbed my way through the 12 bongs then Auld Langs- but it was like a total release. Then people were coming up to me saying- you look so totally different compared to before midnight- I was literally beaming by all accounts.

Met a few new brilliant people last night and I'm looking right royally forward to 2014 now.

Plus I've got more friends than I ever realised after last night


----------



## philglossop

I feel like a pin cushion.

Had a few problems over Christmas with my "ahem" bowels, so went to the Doctor this morning. Suddenly without warning and total medical precision I've had my bloods taken- looked at. They've literally taken the pee and poo out of me.

And the bloods have come back....abnormal. 

I'm lacking iron (least of the concerns at the moment), but they want even more bloods on Monday then it's cameras exploring and scans/X Rays at the local hospital. My GP has been brilliant all day, keeping me informed of the situation and advising diet and tablets I need to take- lets just say diet will be bland and boring until tests are complete.

I'm not thinking about what the outcome could be- but my thought of being wheat intolerant has been ruled out straight away. 

Ah well, guess I'll deal with this battle like the last.issed:


----------



## Pluto2

Please take care of yourself! Our bodies take more of a toll than we like to admit when we go through this type of life change. Yet another thing we can thank our divorce for.


----------



## philglossop

Test results today.........

Not worried in the least. Part of the new "what will be will be". If it's serious I'll deal with it.

My mates back from France- so having someone to bounce off is helping. Plus my other friends as well. PNM has gone cold- so if it was just some fun over Christmas, so be it. I didn't invest a lot so nothing lost.


----------



## Pluto2

sending good vibes


----------



## philglossop

Test results tomorrow now- bar urine which came back clear.

Slightly more edgy this evening. Funny how divorce and the stress of that makes you so strong when it comes to something like this. A year ago I'd have flipped and gone into a total mess - now it's more measured and almost methodical. It not that I'm worried which I am, as the word "C" has been mentioned more than once, but it's something I can battle. Whilst "C" isn't the bee all and end all, there are 2 other somethings else it could be which is life time condition instead and manageable with meds. 

Either way- hey bring it on. Just not looking forward to the tests concerned. Still- bring it on!!!


----------



## philglossop

More results......

And its not brilliant.

Red blood count down and white cell count very very high. Signs of blood in stool sample consistent with bleeding. Explains why I've been so darn tired for a few months. The only good news is Liver is working 100% fine.

Urgent (as in very urgent) referral to hospital for more tests- when I told my GP I've got insurance- his words were "use it".

I should be scared stiff, numb with it- oddly I'm not. Just strangely calm. The GP I saw has told my direct GP and she wants to see me tomorrow for steroid treatment. 

And I said 2014 wasn't going to be about worrying about the clock like 2013. Seems someone has a different plan upstairs.


----------



## Pluto2

Hope your still staying calm. Internal freakouts increase inflammation. Let us know how things are doing and check in here to get your dose of TAM support.


----------



## philglossop

And to cap it all off- I've got to move in 2 months.

Landlord wants to move back here, so I have to find another place to live. Darn it was all going so well, so it's a case of here we go again! Having felt like a wandering gypsy for most of my previous life (thanks to XH running from debt- I love this little house). But it's happening so here we go again!!


----------



## philglossop

So in a nutshell.

Operation planned for 19th February and I have to move by 12th March.

Really gutted about this house- I love it here and I was so settled after the mess of split and divorce- but what will be will be. It's just the logistics which does my head in- bills contacting the phone company/gas/electric/council tax/water and organizing the move which is stressful enough, but take an operation into the mix and wooosh.

It's not fair, but it's life!


----------



## browneyes74

I'm sorry to hear that. I hope the surgery is just routine and nothing serious.. 

Sometimes I think our bodies are waiting until we can handle things before they spring it on you.. So, take that with a grain of salt.. You were going through so much that your body knew it couldn't get the help IT needed, so it waited until now.. 

NOW? You are in a mentally good and healthy place so your body is saying, hey, it's time now.. 

Maybe I'm crazy, but I honestly believe that at times.. I think sometimes we are only given what we can take.. 

And the house? It's a house. I'm going to have to sell my home and people keep acting like it's the worst thing ever, and I'm pthht.. It's a house, a building.. *I* make it a home.. And, if necessary, I can make a cardboard box a home, as I'm sure you can too. 

Sending you good vibes and good thoughts for your surgery


----------



## philglossop

So the burning question now is where to move to?

I've found a couple of properties online- two of which I really like the look of- 1 in the middle of Dartmoor, but ticks all the boxes concerned, the other is ironically in the hamlet next the village which my grandparents lived until they passed away. Both totally different from the inner city properties which I've sort of been in and they're both the sort of properties where I can get out for walks and not have to worry about having the cats in the city.

Given the choice, I'd plump for the one on the middle Dartmoor- a nice 20 mile drive to de-stress each day after work- with a wood burner and gas central heating as well.

I was worried about it before, but not so much now.


----------



## philglossop

So, been to see the property in the village where my grandparents lived.

Parents hate it.

I love it.

Always a good sign!


----------



## philglossop

Yuk I had a nightmare last night (a real cold sweat nightmare), the sort I've not had for years.....

Dreamt I was with XH and then POSOM. According to my poor mate I was literally yelling in my sleep ( he wondered what the hell was happening!). 

Woke up and came down, ciggie to calm down and then back to sleep.


----------



## philglossop

Blimey it's 10 months since I became free!

Long chat with PNM last night, talked through some of the issues and we'll see how it goes. I'm still not committed totally.

What with Operation and moving house coming up, I've forgotten that in a mere 3 weeks I turn 40. Not going to make a big deal of it, heck by that point I won't even probably be able to drink a toast thanks to the meds planned by GP. The issue is still rearing it's head, just wish I wasn't so tired all the time- but that's natural the GP says. More bloods this week and I'm delaying the steroids as long as possible, but the pain is still there unfortunately.

On the plus side, the house hunting is sort of going well- just a case of finding the right place!


----------



## philglossop

I'm in love.

With a cottage in the middle of nowhere. 

Oh the peace and quiet- the perfect spot after years of hassle, just fields surrounding the small little cluster of 8 cottages- so much walking and general enjoyment possible.

And the best bit? 

It's just perfect.

All I have to do is get it............


----------



## 2galsmom

Good luck Phil, you can do it, I wish you a lovely recovery in the countryside!


----------



## philglossop

Shame- I missed the cottage by 15 mins.......

Still another iron in the fire.


----------



## philglossop

philglossop said:


> Shame- I missed the cottage by 15 mins.......
> 
> Still another iron in the fire.


Well it's been over a month since my last update and it's been a good month at that.

Moved house
Turned 40
New flat mate
Had operation, 1 more to come next month
Broke lap top hence my silence!!
Single and rather enjoying it
Peace has firmly broken out with XH, to the point we're happy to meet and have a few drinks
Oh and it's still raining here in the UK! 

More of a lurker now but actually really happy now!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Pluto2

extremely happy you are fine.


----------



## philglossop

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## philglossop

philglossop said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Bizarrely I had a really rough day yesterday again. All started when I watched an old home video. 

Spent a good couple of hrs sobbing after that in the arms of my flat mate. But felt better afterwards. 
It's the grim realisation that in all probability that was it. I really am at the point that I think I'm going to be single for the rest of my naturals. Scary thought. 

So going to make some changes again. Need to be concentrating on a new project. But what I don't know yet. No doubt I'll find something.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## philglossop

Funny old month just gone.

Whilst I'm not angry with XH, I rather stupidly invited him and partner around for a Sunday meal at the beginning of the month. I did invite others as well, but it led to XH's partner getting rip roaringly p***ed and making a total idiot of himself. It should have amused me, instead muppet here got angry- leading to row.

After that was sorted out via a friend pouring oil on troubled waters, I sat down and had a long think about a few things. Why do I invite him into my life? Do I need to have him in my life? How the heck can I move on with my life?

And it all came in a simple bohemian moment. There is simply no way forward with this anymore- whilst I can forgive him, forgetting the damage and hurt has left a massive scar and it's scar I'll have to live with. So, I took the sensible approach and reset the boundaries with XH advising that I would be going back to 180/NC it was my decision and that it was not for discussion. Typically, the XH took the victim chair, blaming me for this decision, and generally whilst not being obnoxious, he really missed the overall point.

That this was my decision.

All the times in the past, looking back I've been badgered, yelled at, and it's always been his decision to end contact.

But not now. It's firmly mine and I do feel a lot better about it all.

That was last weekend. Now for the really interesting bit. To a point I've coped with the issues all by myself emotionally since last March, but I came to a simple decision following this long hard think. So I've started hypnotherapy based relationship councilling. Blimey the stuff that's coming out of this even after 2 sessions is really interesting. But it's making perfect sense of the amount of emotional abuse over the last few years- from the financial to the emotional. My Cllr, following the initial free consultation (which should have lasted 30 minutes but turned into a hour and half!) looked and said "classic BPD and narassisical actions" by your XH. I know I've used this site for help and advice, but for a total stranger to listen and from a few events and actions to come out and say it was an odd relief. The sessions are working well and I feel a millions times better and happier. Even my flat mate and work colleagues have spotted that.

And the really great thing, boy am I getting attention from other guys now. It's been great to flirt over the last few months, but now it's getting to the point that in a few more months I'll be out there totally ready and willing. And I'm, not knocking the fun which comes along, but it would be nice to see how the new Phil gets on with a possible other half. But I'll probably wait till the end of the councilling.

Work is ok, going back to my old job working out on street as a Traffic Warden again in a month's time for more money.

I guess it's all a work in progress this last month!


----------



## philglossop

Life moving on at quite a pace.

IC- check and going well.

Trip to London , done and dusted. Had a fantastic time.

Starting Italian language lessons at night school later this month (free of charge, as I'm going to giving advice on the course to the council).

Flat mate up to something- looks like a trip away for a few days over Easter. 

NC with XH going well ish. Only had to tell him about a death at work- but it was brief and full of narassistic comments focusing on him rather on what was more important- so ended the text conversation quickly. Past life and all that jazz.

Start new job in 3 weeks.

Back at the gym from May.

Holiday in September for DEFINATE!!! - Majorca looking the favorite spot at the mo. If I can save enough it's going to be Greece instead.

Relationship? Don't have time for one of those. :rofl::rofl:


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## EnjoliWoman

Although it is commendable that you were trying to be the bigger person by opening your home to XH and boyfriend, I think you saw that the relationship has changed so much now that they don't bring anything positive into your life. At the time of invitation, it may have been that you thought their 'position' was neutral but now see they are acidic. Nice gesture, bad results, good learning experience. 

Moving on! Great diversion with London trip - glad you enjoyed it. Good luck on the new job!


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## Pluto2

Phil, many many many years ago I was lucky enough to go to school for one term in London, and it was fabulous. Only wish I could take the kiddos there again. Maybe one day.
So glad you're making such wonderful progress. And your health scare.... its all resolved, correct?


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## philglossop

Pluto2 said:


> Phil, many many many years ago I was lucky enough to go to school for one term in London, and it was fabulous. Only wish I could take the kiddos there again. Maybe one day.
> So glad you're making such wonderful progress. And your health scare.... its all resolved, correct?


Health is pretty good Pluto. It appears I can't eat certain wheat products, generally the cheap ones!

So it appears XH is subscribed still to this blog. I had a PM from him sent at 2am this morning. I won't go into details but he's still not happy with my side of the story on here and someone has told him about what I write..... So let's work out who it could have been?

Answer is simple Mr 'Don't give flying funk'

So rather than PM here, I sent a text message setting boundaries. It's sad that I had to type that out civil partnership was dreadful and not worth thinking about, but it's how I really feel about it now. Equally he thinks that friendship should be natural. Perhaps I'm lot more awake to it all now. It's MY time and as I said if there's a chance great. Who knows?

I did put my foot down on one thing. His message ended Love you. Firmly told him not to use those words and take care will do fine. Love isn't a word I want to hear from him towards me again. 

Thinking about it after sending the text, it's feels like he's expected me to stand still on the shoreline. Sadly I walked away from there a few months ago. On to better things.

Who knows if a friendship will come out of this? All I know is when I've done my bucket list and had a good few months I'll revisit the matter. 

In other words in the air. But not at 50,000ft. I rather like it up here!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pluto2

Phil, this is crazy. Your ex is in another relationship but he is still so controlling that he took the time to PM you about your prior relationship with him. Doesn't speak well for his current situation. 
You are absolutely right, who cares!
Boundaries are there to protect us. Every time I think I don't need them with my ex, naively thinking that oh he'd never do that to me since we were together for so long. BOOM! I have no one to blame but myself.
Trying to get airborne.


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## philglossop

Pluto2 said:


> Phil, this is crazy. Your ex is in another relationship but he is still so controlling that he took the time to PM you about your prior relationship with him. Doesn't speak well for his current situation.
> You are absolutely right, who cares!
> Boundaries are there to protect us. Every time I think I don't need them with my ex, naively thinking that oh he'd never do that to me since we were together for so long. BOOM! I have no one to blame but myself.
> Trying to get airborne.


It's weird Pluto it really is.

For years as my Cllr has been drumming into me he was a control freak. Now I'm back in control of my destiny and life he really doesn't get it. You call it controlling which is fair comment. My Cllr in pure Conrad style asked about his childhood. In simple terms he hates being abandoned. But that's not my funk. Now!  

But the simple test was looking at my phone and seeing an email from him. Until a few months ago it would have heart leaping, excitement etc. today it was a more 'what the hell now'. I knew it was coming (my flat mate said it probably would last night).

And a few months ago I'd have taken it that XH was in relationship trouble and we'd get back together.

Now it's if he wants me back.....that ship sailed a few months ago. Called HMS Titantic.

Now it's Friday night TAMmers, and that's wine, Chinese and soap night.

This single life is all rock and roll!!!!  
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## philglossop

As I just "lie" on this blog according to my last PM to me, here's some more lies from the last few days.

Spent Saturday taking flatmate to do his CV and give my dog his summer trim on his coat.

Then went to Polperro in Cornwall to see his Mum.

Then had a night out unexpectedly on Saturday night (staying out till the wee small hours).

Had a lazy day Sunday.

Stopped smoking from yesterday morning.

In other words, just a normal few days of lying...........

Oh and I won the lottery. Ain't that the truth:rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## philglossop

Not looking forward to receiving that telephone call.

But it's going to happen in the next day or so.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## philglossop

philglossop said:


> Not looking forward to receiving that telephone call.
> 
> But it's going to happen in the next day or so.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So it's Easter. And so much happier compared to last Easter, when it was really a down time. This Easter is more like it. Down time with re runs of Top Gear and plenty of cold beer!!!

My great aunt sadly died the other day, a wonderful happy lady who lived an amazing life and lived to 95. This means a funeral but I'll get together with my Welsh cousins for a whiskey or 3!!

Looking up holidays earlier. A week in Turkey for £160. My flat mates offered to pay for me so come pay day. 

All in all life is getting sweeter. Finally!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## philglossop

Happy Easter!!!

Had a massive clear out again.

It was goodbye to all the glassware from my marriage/wedding presents. And various ornaments, DVDs and old clothes. There really is very little left now. Didn't hurt but a sense of 'thanks for leaving to me to deal with.....doesn't matter now'.

Boy does it finally look better. Now all that's left is MINE!

Chillax time!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## philglossop

04-27-2013, 04:47 PM #1 (permalink) 
philglossop 
Member


Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Plymouth, UK
Posts: 317 The end of Road (Civil Partnership down the swannie) 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hello everyone and having found this fantastic website last weekend i thought I'd share my tale of misery and how I'm starting to move my life forward. My story is a tad different in that I'm in a Civil Partnership with my STBXH.

I met D back in 2002 and he was my second long term relationship but having had my heart broken back in 2000, I really wasn't looking for a relationship, but cupid never gives you warning! We moved on and on the 7th July 2007 under UK Law we entered into Civil Partnership. Over the years there were plenty of problems- mostly involving my STBXH being totally stupid with money and wanting to have the fantastic successful "Gay Image". New car? Not a problem- as I would pick the bill up - or he wouldn't pay and then ignore the debt letters finally leading to the car being taken away.

Back in 2009 I was told by my GP that I was clinically depressed and this led to us breaking up for a about a month (as part of his arrangements- he insisted that I pay for marriage councilling which he never attended after the 1st session). To be fair we moved to the countryside and it did improve the relationship. 

In 2011, after years of drifting from job to job- he took over a pub which at first paid well and kept up with my modest earnings. But then the normal pattern returned- he was not paying bills at the pub, getting into a dreadful pickle, so guess who picked up the pieces from this via my wages each month??

He started getting friendly with a mutual friend in December 2012 and became very very defensive towards this lad (my STBXH is 40, this lad is 22)- and I did warn him that things weren't looking healthy again, to which he said that I was making something out of nothing. At this point even mutual friends were calling him "Camilla" (think Prince Charles and Di for our American friends).

In February I came down stairs to find the pair of them fully clothed on the sofa cuddling together, both drunk at 6am. I'll admit I lost my temper and I slapped my husband. He fell into a baby gate which we have to stop the dogs going upstairs). We talked later when again I was told nothing was going on and that I was reading to much into it.

By now the relationship was really rocky, he was staying out all hours taking drugs (coke and speed) and drink driving on a nightly basis - how the hell he never got caught I just don't know. 

Anyway- to the split in my next piece 


Blimey it's a year this weekend since my first post.:toast::toast:

What a year it's been.

Most importantly- who was that sap Philglossop was a year ago? Oh yeah.

Me.

Before I remembered just how strong I was.:rofl::rofl:


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## philglossop

It's nice to reflect and look back on what a mess I was last year. Makes my resolve for my new life so much stronger.

Thank you to everyone for support over the last year. Boy I needed it at times.

Now I understand just how nice is to just relax and chill out. Boy I missed doing that over the few years of my last relationship. Now I'm free to do what I like when I like with who I like.

Which is the best outcome. No revenge just finally living my life. Old life dead. New life going really rather well!!


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## Pluto2

cheers Phil.


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## philglossop

Pluto2 said:


> cheers Phil.


Sigh spoke too soon.

Just typical gas lighting, BPD and narcissistic response.

Totally deserve 2 by 4. But I allowed a mutual friend to wind me up slightly. Quickly followed by XH.

Won't go into detail but he's a monster. And desperate on every level. Why oh why do I engage with it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## philglossop

.


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## Pluto2

hang in there Phil


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## philglossop

So lets have a quick update.

I've started my new job. Well I say new job, it's actually my old job of being a Traffic Warden. It's been just the thing I needed- but I'd forgotten just how much walking is involved- walking 12 miles a day wearing heavy equipment and safety gear is doing wonders for the waist line to put it mildly!

Also I've doing some training for 2 new starters, which has been both good fun and shall we say testing at times. Another week of this training and then it'll firmly back into my shift pattern.

The big advantage of working all the hours going is the overtime- I've done 28 and 1/2 hours already this month with at least another 29 next week and the bank holiday the week after. Plus it's the local elections here in England next Thursday as well as the European elections the same day, and I'm working on the counts for both of those to the tune of £150. So today is my last day off until 27th, when I'll have 1 day off and then....back into working my eight days as we call it.

As you can tell, I'm saving for a holiday in Europe in September. Don't care where, so long as I can relax, have a nice cold beer or 3 and get a moderate sun tan!

Nothing much to say about that person- I've seen his car parked when I've been on beat near his house- looks like it's not moved much- and given the weather here in the Uk has been fantastic this week- sunny and temps into the low 70's is surprising, as I know he loved getting out in the car when the weather has been as good as it's been. We don't talk, and I've not even see him out when I've been socialising. To be fair, there's nothing much to talk to him about even if I did see him. No common ground anymore.

My Mum hasn't been well. 4 years ago she had a part breast removal for cancer and her latest check up has flagged a serious issue, meaning she's been going for more scans, CT and bloods this week. Jese she's so strong, I've been the wreck at points. Luckily my flatmate has been a total rock not just for me at home, but also for my Dad (they are brilliant together- a real double act)- and he's been finishing his own job and then getting 2 buses to come and cook for my parents whilst I've been at work. 

We should know the results in 10 days, but even in this scary time, I'm not going to let things get to me. My friends both socially and at work have been fantastic since the news broke, so my support network is in place and they've been backing me up during the dark hours.

Anyway, this is my last day off as I said for 9 days and I'm off to sit in my parents garden with my flatmate, my dogs and hopefully an ice cold beer.


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## Pluto2

sending good thoughts to you and your Mum


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## philglossop

Another nice private message from XH on here.

He's threatening legal action against me now. For someone blocked on Facebook he's got a sad network of spies for information.

In other news (far more important), awaiting the biopies from Mum's breast, but there are confirmed abnormalities. Not good.

Off to book my tattoo upgrade and then election counts for local election. After that- a well deserved weekend off- doing didly.


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## Pluto2

Legal action.... for posting here? Silly, silly boy.
Wishing you and your mum nothing but the best of news and life.


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## poppyseed

philglossop said:


> Sigh spoke too soon.
> 
> Just typical gas lighting, BPD and narcissistic response.
> 
> Totally deserve 2 by 4. But I allowed a mutual friend to wind me up slightly. Quickly followed by XH.
> 
> Won't go into detail but he's a monster. And desperate on every level. Why oh why do I engage with it?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You seem like a decent person.

Did you say your EH was a serial cheater? Why bother being a friend with someone who cheated on you, deceived you and lied to you and broke you? 

You might wish to act as Mr Nice Guy but remember the healthy boundaries and not allow bad guys walk all over you even after partnership was long over. Cut the loss and move on. Excise Cancer out of your life..If necessary, move and start a new life without this annoying ghost from the past. My tuppence. x


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## philglossop

poppyseed said:


> You seem like a decent person.
> 
> Did you say your EH was a serial cheater? Why bother being a friend with someone who cheated on you, deceived you and lied to you and broke you?
> 
> You might wish to act as Mr Nice Guy but remember the healthy boundaries and not allow bad guys walk all over you even after partnership was long over. Cut the loss and move on. Excise Cancer out of your life..If necessary, move and start a new life without this annoying ghost from the past. My tuppence. x


So it's been 4 days since that private message and a lot of talking and discussions have taken place. In simple terms

No more Mr Nice Guy
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## poppyseed

philglossop said:


> So it's been 4 days since that private message and a lot of talking and discussions have taken place. In simple terms
> 
> No more Mr Nice Guy
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hi 

I admire your patience, charity and dedication! 

You would deserve someone who's far more honest, genuine & sincere based on my observation. I'd say, leave this "trouble" to "another victim" who's nice enough to think this man is so "cute" and fall for him. I often think many of us were completely "deluded" by our own love for the difficult spouse. 

Sometimes, someone like you and I are "too honest" , too sincere and too genuine and expect others are as honest as we are. They aren't....:rofl:


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## philglossop

poppyseed said:


> Hi
> 
> I admire your patience, charity and dedication!
> 
> You would deserve someone who's far more honest, genuine & sincere based on my observation. I'd say, leave this "trouble" to "another victim" who's nice enough to think this man is so "cute" and fall for him. I often think many of us were completely "deluded" by our own love for the difficult spouse.
> 
> Sometimes, someone like you and I are "too honest" , too sincere and too genuine and expect others are as honest as we are. They aren't....:rofl:



Oh I'll be honest poppyseed I've been angry this weekend. The advantage of my job is that I get to walk miles on beat (10 on Sunday, 14 on Bank Holiday Monday!) and it gives a lot of thinking and working out the next situation. Unlike during the D when I was sat in an office and stewing so to speak.

Sunday I was all of calling my lawyer and going for restraining orders and the like. But the simple clarity came to me. He'd use it against me in the short term in the simple narcissistic way that a BPD sufferer does. By Monday it was crystal clear.

He doesn't know my actual address.
He's got zippo money (hence why he's been threatening and demanding money from mutual friends from our old pub( the real reason for his threats when I stamped on that))
Old friends from the last 20 years who've seen his private message on here are disgusted at the mere prospects of his actions.
His dog which he's not bothered about for 15 months is in the vets having collapsed whilst my Dad was walking him today(£150 bill and counting). 
He's an idiot who is totally out my family my animals and most of our old mutual friends life.

And mostly importantly.

I've got more respect in my little finger than that steaming pile of loser. Let's see if that lawyers letter hits because I'll counter that Will is far more important in my life than some lawyer.

Will is my dog btw.

And to cap it all been with Mum for biopsies again. Jese the size of that needle.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## poppyseed

philglossop said:


> Oh I'll be honest poppyseed I've been angry this weekend. The advantage of my job is that I get to walk miles on beat (10 on Sunday, 14 on Bank Holiday Monday!) and it gives a lot of thinking and working out the next situation. Unlike during the D when I was sat in an office and stewing so to speak.
> 
> Sunday I was all of calling my lawyer and going for restraining orders and the like. But the simple clarity came to me. He'd use it against me in the short term in the simple narcissistic way that a BPD sufferer does. By Monday it was crystal clear.
> 
> And to cap it all been with Mum for biopsies again. Jese the size of that needle.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hi philg

Sorry to hear about your Mum going through this. 

I would have thought the police would deal with this sort of hate crime / harassment (a local victimization unit?). More attention you will give him, the situation could get worse or things end up escalating potentially. 

Stay safe and take care xxx


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## Pluto2

"steaming pile of loser" Nice phrase Phil!
Will is a lucky dog to have found a great human. Still sending good thoughts for Mum


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## philglossop

Pluto2 said:


> "steaming pile of loser" Nice phrase Phil!
> Will is a lucky dog to have found a great human. Still sending good thoughts for Mum


What a week!

Mum got the all clear at 4pm on Friday afternoon. Luckily I was at work on a mobile with one of my best mates. Not ashamed to say I sobbed like a baby on him. That's 4 years clear and so happy for her.

Wills ok. Pulled the muscles around his heart according to the vet. But he'll recover well and live probably longer than my other dog so the benefits of being mutt are clear.

As for me? Well I've had 2 dates this week, and had a blast out both times. Scarcely I've had 3 people come up to ask me out! It's like it's famine or feast. There's 1 person out of the 3 who I REALLY like but I'm playing it cool. It seems to be working!

Oh and PostScript, text from XH from new number. Read, deleted and not responded. His words of support and concern aren't needed. My mates have got me through the last few weeks and it's freaky he's quoting this site on his texts. When will he learn he's nothing but a massive disappointment to me now and life's moved totally on? It's guilt keeping him messaging me I guess. He's got to live with that I guess. Don't hate him but I've got there. The point of total indifference which I think is the point WAWs or WAHs discover to their horror there's no coming back into the ex's life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## philglossop

philglossop said:


> What a week!
> 
> Mum got the all clear at 4pm on Friday afternoon. Luckily I was at work on a mobile with one of my best mates. Not ashamed to say I sobbed like a baby on him. That's 4 years clear and so happy for her.
> 
> Wills ok. Pulled the muscles around his heart according to the vet. But he'll recover well and live probably longer than my other dog so the benefits of being mutt are clear.
> 
> As for me? Well I've had 2 dates this week, and had a blast out both times. Scarcely I've had 3 people come up to ask me out! It's like it's famine or feast. There's 1 person out of the 3 who I REALLY like but I'm playing it cool. It seems to be working!
> 
> Oh and PostScript, text from XH from new number. Read, deleted and not responded. His words of support and concern aren't needed. My mates have got me through the last few weeks and it's freaky he's quoting this site on his texts. When will he learn he's nothing but a massive disappointment to me now and life's moved totally on? It's guilt keeping him messaging me I guess. He's got to live with that I guess. Don't hate him but I've got there. The point of total indifference which I think is the point WAWs or WAHs discover to their horror there's no coming back into the ex's life.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Feeling much more positive this week.

My job is great back with my old shift. 

Went out on Saturday night, dodged a bullet so to speak and had a blast.

Generally getting on with life.

Oh and meeting someone this coming Saturday. Baby steps but it's nice to have a spring in my step!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## philglossop

philglossop said:


> Feeling much more positive this week.
> 
> My job is great back with my old shift.
> 
> Went out on Saturday night, dodged a bullet so to speak and had a blast.
> 
> Generally getting on with life.
> 
> Oh and meeting someone this coming Saturday. Baby steps but it's nice to have a spring in my step!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Update time!

Working like a demon at the moment, but come Thursday night I'm off for 12 days. It's been fantastic weather here in the UK and working outdoors means I'm turning brown as berry which is nice. So much better than my pasty office white look!

My flat mate has left again. He's got a job about 3 hours away from here near Southampton. I took him up last Monday. It was weird to drive through the New Forest as I spent a lot of holidays with the XH there. But it didn't worry me and it was nice to explain to flat mate what was what. After I dropped him off I was tempted to drive through the area on my own but decided that those memories can wait for another day. So went shopping in IKEA instead 

Looking forward to visiting my mate for a week at the beginning of July so I'll probably take him into Lymington and Lyndhurst then.

Interestingly having the flat to myself is rather enjoyable! I've been able to watch most of the World Cup (less said about England the better) and it's 2 weeks till the start of the Tour De France. Equally it's 2 weeks to my 'wedding anniversary'. It would have been 7 years so I'm planning to go to a hotel/spa on Dartmoor and treat myself.

Nothing on the relationship front. I've had a few guys talk to me and been offered a few dates but I'm generally not bothered. It doesn't worry me, although i was told on Friday night that I'm a massive flirt! Me?!?! I'm that bad that I don't even recognise it!

Anyway time to sign off and I hope everyone's enjoying the lazy days of early summer!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## philglossop

philglossop said:


> Update time!
> 
> Working like a demon at the moment, but come Thursday night I'm off for 12 days. It's been fantastic weather here in the UK and working outdoors means I'm turning brown as berry which is nice. So much better than my pasty office white look!
> 
> My flat mate has left again. He's got a job about 3 hours away from here near Southampton. I took him up last Monday. It was weird to drive through the New Forest as I spent a lot of holidays with the XH there. But it didn't worry me and it was nice to explain to flat mate what was what. After I dropped him off I was tempted to drive through the area on my own but decided that those memories can wait for another day. So went shopping in IKEA instead
> 
> Looking forward to visiting my mate for a week at the beginning of July so I'll probably take him into Lymington and Lyndhurst then.
> 
> Interestingly having the flat to myself is rather enjoyable! I've been able to watch most of the World Cup (less said about England the better) and it's 2 weeks till the start of the Tour De France. Equally it's 2 weeks to my 'wedding anniversary'. It would have been 7 years so I'm planning to go to a hotel/spa on Dartmoor and treat myself.
> 
> Nothing on the relationship front. I've had a few guys talk to me and been offered a few dates but I'm generally not bothered. It doesn't worry me, although i was told on Friday night that I'm a massive flirt! Me?!?! I'm that bad that I don't even recognise it!
> 
> Anyway time to sign off and I hope everyone's enjoying the lazy days of early summer!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's it on holiday for 13 days.

Plans?

Southampton for 3 days including visiting old school pal in Guildford and catching up with my London lodge buddies on Saturday.

Home painting and decorating my flat (sick of rental magnolia!)

Seeing a private dentist to sort my teeth out and plan for having my crooked bottom teeth sorted and plan for whitening. (Can afford it so f**k it!)

Wedding a week Friday

Watching the Tour de France last few days and a spa day in the middle.

Now that's what I call a holiday!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## philglossop

philglossop said:


> That's it on holiday for 13 days.
> 
> Plans?
> 
> Southampton for 3 days including visiting old school pal in Guildford and catching up with my London lodge buddies on Saturday.
> 
> Home painting and decorating my flat (sick of rental magnolia!)
> 
> Seeing a private dentist to sort my teeth out and plan for having my crooked bottom teeth sorted and plan for whitening. (Can afford it so f**k it!)
> 
> Wedding a week Friday
> 
> Watching the Tour de France last few days and a spa day in the middle.
> 
> Now that's what I call a holiday!!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Just home from one of the weekends of my life.

I've fallen in love. With a city which I've been to before but never viewed it through single eyes before. In short I'm in love with Southampton.

There's nothing to dislike. And the last time I fell in love with a city was Manchester and I ended up visiting it then living there or very close to it for 6 years.

I just felt 'alive' for the first time in years, met some fab people and had a blast to the point my old school mate came down to me rather than I go to him in Surrey.

A weekend does not a new life make. But that feelings there, I recognise it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## philglossop

philglossop said:


> Just home from one of the weekends of my life.
> 
> I've fallen in love. With a city which I've been to before but never viewed it through single eyes before. In short I'm in love with Southampton.
> 
> There's nothing to dislike. And the last time I fell in love with a city was Manchester and I ended up visiting it then living there or very close to it for 6 years.
> 
> I just felt 'alive' for the first time in years, met some fab people and had a blast to the point my old school mate came down to me rather than I go to him in Surrey.
> 
> A weekend does not a new life make. But that feelings there, I recognise it!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Aching like a good un.

Redecorated my kitchen today. Looks really good but in line with rental properties, I'm guessing it was cheap white and magnolia used before.

Also done my bedroom ceiling.

The problems?

A- it highlights the rest of the flat needs doing and badly!

B- I'm getting older. Aching like a 60 year old.

But it's not going to be a magnolia box anymore. My new life has no need for a wishy washy colour.

Certainly the raspberry red in my bedroom is a departure......

Couple of well earned bevs with my mates now!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## philglossop

philglossop said:


> Aching like a good un.
> 
> Redecorated my kitchen today. Looks really good but in line with rental properties, I'm guessing it was cheap white and magnolia used before.
> 
> Also done my bedroom ceiling.
> 
> The problems?
> 
> A- it highlights the rest of the flat needs doing and badly!
> 
> B- I'm getting older. Aching like a 60 year old.
> 
> But it's not going to be a magnolia box anymore. My new life has no need for a wishy washy colour.
> 
> Certainly the raspberry red in my bedroom is a departure......
> 
> Couple of well earned bevs with my mates now!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yuk.

It would have been my Civil Partnership anniversary tomorrow. 7 years.

Instead I'll be building new bedroom furniture and watching Le Tour.

Not sad just reflective.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## philglossop

philglossop said:


> Yuk.
> 
> It would have been my Civil Partnership anniversary tomorrow. 7 years.
> 
> Instead I'll be building new bedroom furniture and watching Le Tour.
> 
> Not sad just reflective.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So update time.

Stopped smoking at long last!! Thank goodness for Champix!!

Been on a couple more dates, the good the bad and darn right horrendous!

Nothing much to add really, life is good. Seen XH a couple of times and I ended up going to a different venue where I was invited to my first Gay marriage and met someone who I think could prove to be very very special in the future.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pluto2

Bravo that you've stopped smoking! I know how difficult that can be.

And someone very, very special, ... excellent.


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## philglossop

Pluto2 said:


> Bravo that you've stopped smoking! I know how difficult that can be.
> 
> And someone very, very special, ... excellent.


I think I need some advice as to if my thinking was and is correct .

When I saw XH on Saturday night he made great pains at the end of a conversation to say that he's glad it's all over. And then looked at me and said isn't it?

I said yes. But that's not the whole picture.

Yes in terms of him and I, totally. No chance ever in my eyes of R. I'd have to be 1000% certifiable to consider it.

But in other ways clearly for him it's just beginning. Let me try and explain my thinking.

He's clearly viewed by most of my friends as a coward and liar. At Pride, he was stand fastly ignored by a lot. The only way I can describe matters is that for ever more this could well be his prison. I've no intention of moving and I'm guessing for the rest of his naturals he will have to look at me and remember the actions of 2013. Thankfully having managed the divorce it's allowed me the absolute freedom which I didn't think I'd want. But it was the best outcome.

So in my eyes- for me yup it's over. For him??? It's a prison.

What do you think?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pluto2

That's a tough one.
My initial thought concerning his questioning of "its" all over was the personal drama you two went through. Now, you are out in public having a conversation-no cops were involved, no one went to the hospital and neither or you left in a rage. That is real progress!

I question whether your ex has the self-awareness to really appreciate the ramifications of his conduct. Would he ever believe that his treatment during Pride and the was a result of his mistreatment of you? Perhaps that is and will be his prison. You know the expression "live and learn" Well, some people never do. But I've never met the guy so its hard to say.


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## philglossop

Pluto2 said:


> That's a tough one.
> My initial thought concerning his questioning of "its" all over was the personal drama you two went through. Now, you are out in public having a conversation-no cops were involved, no one went to the hospital and neither or you left in a rage. That is real progress!
> 
> I question whether your ex has the self-awareness to really appreciate the ramifications of his conduct. Would he ever believe that his treatment during Pride and the was a result of his mistreatment of you? Perhaps that is and will be his prison. You know the expression "live and learn" Well, some people never do. But I've never met the guy so its hard to say.


I think that's the situation described wonderfully. It's the lack of self awareness and the ongoing ramifications.

He's been amazing lucky that I do give him the time of day. But as my best mates were saying on Saturday, there hasn't been a true relationship for me yet. Once that happens, and the dynamic changes again it'll be interesting to see the reaction. He hated my rebound, was upset when I saw one of his mates for a month. Lord knows what he will be like when it happens properly!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## philglossop

philglossop said:


> I think that's the situation described wonderfully. It's the lack of self awareness and the ongoing ramifications.
> 
> He's been amazing lucky that I do give him the time of day. But as my best mates were saying on Saturday, there hasn't been a true relationship for me yet. Once that happens, and the dynamic changes again it'll be interesting to see the reaction. He hated my rebound, was upset when I saw one of his mates for a month. Lord knows what he will be like when it happens properly!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hideous day. Going to be a rant post....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## philglossop

philglossop said:


> Hideous day. Going to be a rant post....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What the funk is it with relationships? Is the moral compass totally destroyed in human life?

I've been working with a colleague who is going through a D( w left him, successfully moved on to new relationship in 10 days). He's left picking up the pieces having to D her whilst working with her and having to move on....

Frankly he cracked today after 4 months and was sobbing on me like a baby. And I'm dealing with the situation as I can only do, using my experience but I'm left with several questions which I can try and answer but it's all so wrong that it feels like there's no real hope.

My colleague kept asking me why? Why did she lie about nobody else when it's blindingly obvious there was. And the lie is to make them feel better but makes the other person resent in the longer term. There will be no truth as that's not in the handbook but as I tried so hard to explain, come 12/15/18 months down the line, the lie will remain but it will backfire and can used as a metal of strength for the person left. It's empowering and during long term recovery can be used to show the weakness of the person concerned.

I just wish I could have done more for the poor soul this afternoon, as the hurt was so real it took me right back to my early days. Oh the cold ironic fact of walking past my last house I shared with XH before this all hit. 

It's making me so cynical about relationships. All in all are they all ****ed up...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## philglossop

Blimey is really nearly 6 months since my last update? I guess I'd better have a go at sorting out what's been going on.

Well, in terms of life and crashing great love romantics and relationships....nothing. And you know what- that's absolutely fine by me at the moment and in my 40th year. Whilst I can see that this sort of stemmed from fear and downright bitterness to start with, it's now mellowed into a "it's my flaming life and I don't need anyone there to help long term in that respect thank you". 

It's not stopped me going out and having a fantastic life and good friends is it? If I feel the need for the physical that can be sorted out without the need for personal attachment. Perhaps its a gay thing, but it sits very comfortably in my life and I've had some of the most interesting experiences from those moments- exploring *all* aspects of my sexual and emotional needs. I'm not going into massive details but it's all good.:smthumbup::smthumbup:


Work sadly recently hasn't been so fantastic. I got passed over for promotion last week which has thrown a possible spanner in the works. In many respects work played a part in the collapse of my civil partnership nearly 2 years ago and I've been using it as a crutch for support subsequently a bit. Need to stop doing that, as it's getting me nowhere for both progression nor for personal reasons.

So how do I feel about the Civil Partnership now? It barely registers these days that it occurred. Only when I complete paperwork and tick a box stating marital status for divorced or dissolved does it register. Even then it makes me laugh now, "dissolved"- it makes me sound like a fizzy vitamin c tablet I take each morning 

In terms of XH- since moving to my new flat nearly 12 months ago, I've seen both him and partner twice. Once in March as described here, and then once in September when surprise surprise he needed something for a caravan. We communicate via text only. And when I say communicate- bar that one time it's muggings here that communicates first. It's a failing on my part but not one to make me feel bad and dreadful, just a thing that needs to stop really now. Let me explain........

Back last month I was on Dartmoor on my new scooter when I came off on black ice and thought I'd broken my right elbow. Somehow I drove the bike to the community hospital 9 miles away and through the shock had to live the bike there.

Now, as part of the terms of "separation", any massive incidents he promised to be there. So I rang him and told him asked him the following day to drive me out (15 miles). He said yes to begin with. When I rang him later that day, he asked if my Dad could do it (on this occasion no he couldn't)and I could hear the panic in his voice. So I told him not to worry and that I'd sort it which in the end I did. Basically doped to hilt on painkillers and antiflamatories and a long bus drive later when I was legally banned from driving by the hospital and lots of crying and pain I sorted it.

Of course when I told my mates about what had happened I got it in the neck and was firmly told "not to contact him again if it bloody well happens". And it got me thinking. Like everything it was just baffle and bull and lies and spin. The civil partnership was dead in the water from 2009 on reflection. It's testimony to XH's spin and lies that he made my life completely and utterly miserable from that date until recently.

Before of course I'd have got angry and upset and made a fuss. Now I need to employ the same rules to which I've been subjected to. Which by text is a lot easier!

All in all, a work in progress, but one that is certainly getting there as time goes by.


----------



## Pluto2

So glad you updated.
Sorry about the job.

It is interesting how our opinion of our ex's change as time passes. We can spot their BS so much easier now, and while occasionally hope they mean what they say, they don't. Right decisions all around.
And I completely agree with your mates. No more calling. Block his number.


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## philglossop

It's funny isn't Pluto?

Over Christmas and New Year was a good point. I spoke to all of my long term partners of which there have been 4. The only one that I had to contact and that didn't text nor said me a New Year message was XH. 2 of the others sent Christmas cards and my first partner sent a lovely bottle of aftershave and rang on New Years Day when he saw I was awake in the afternoon.

XH? Nothing. Guess I'm seeing that the fact that he was saying back in 2013. It really did mean nothing for 11 years. Moved on long ago. But it's a cursory tale for his current to see how it'll pan out. Or perhaps he's not seeing "red flags" yet :rofl:


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## philglossop

Life rolls on. It's been over 2 years since the ILUBINILWU speech. 2 years since the divorce started.

Hope you all had a happy Easter.

There's no more trauma and stress. I don't have any contact with my ex husband at all now. I sort of guess where he is, but he drinks at the other end of the city from me socially. Life calmed down and sorted itself out really in the last 2 months. There is no friendship nor future to be discussed with him at all. It used to scare me that that that could happen. Doesn't now.

To use a metaphor - I watched a house burn down.

If you burn the house down (for house read relationship), pour petrol on said fire for nearly 2 years, make your ex watch the whole bloody thing burn into the ground, tamper with the hoses to put the fire out- is there going to be anything left to save when the fire is out? And is the person you forced to watch really going to want anything to do with you?

Answer is no. Hell a 1000% no.

Work is work, social life is brilliant, my friends and family are supportive as ever.


Life rolled on. Just like the people in the early days promised it would.:smthumbup:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dgGG5Ai5ZDc


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## philglossop

Rather nice update time.

Holiday to Zante is paid for in full now- just the savings money to get. I'm going in September so it'll be nice to get away and just lye on a Greek Beach and I've plenty of time until then to save up and put away for the trip.

Bought a new computer so I can get back to updating this when I need to. But it's going to be so handy for saving money longer term.

Cleared off some debts and now have internet at home and cable tv again (in the UK its Virgin). Rather than some awful set up I was lumbered with from my past.

Have applied for the vacant supervisor job with work- it's still a £8k pay rise but I'm not getting any hopes up at all at this stage. It'll be nice but financially I seem to manage absolutely fine these days.

The only blip is my confirmed ulcerated colon condition which is being controlled by medication. It's going to be a live with thing rather than operation, although I am going in for exploration surgery during early May. But I'll live with the effects.

After all, life isn't all that bad now. Far from it.


----------



## Pluto2

I think its spring, everything seems a tad bit better.
Nice to hear good news, Phil.


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## philglossop

Text from XH

"Just to let you know before you hear it elsewhere. As we have now let all family know. Mike and I are now engaged and will probably get married around August time".

Knew it was coming months ago. In fact I was prepared for it to happen around last Christmas to be honest. 

And you know what? I'm fine. That door closed a long time ago. Our marriage collapsed because we weren't suitable in any shape or form. We staggered to 6 years. I'm happier single than ever I was married. 

So today I'll cry a bit. But I need to prepare for the rest of my life now.


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## philglossop

Tough weekend.

But will stop wallowing from today.

Back to work after 10 days off. :/


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## SamuraiJack

philglossop said:


> Tough weekend.
> 
> But will stop wallowing from today.
> 
> Back to work after 10 days off. :/


Sometimes good hard work can be as therapuetic as a session.

Do yourself proud.

Sorry about the announcement. Even when you know its coming, it still stings.


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## philglossop

Rant time

I honestly think this has been the toughest week for about a year since the "announcement". 

It's not the knowing that it was going to happen- it's the yet again a metaphysical slap across the face. The "oh look at me aren't I brilliant I'm getting remarried". It's really taken me back to a miserable place which I hoped I'd escaped from- the deep seated bitterness which I'd put to bed has been back this week.

They really are the tools of the century if they hope this little pathetic new marriage is going to work long term. After all, the work of sorting out the divorce and how each of us moved forward was done by both wasn't it? Nope of course not. You're nothing but a fecking coward. And a cheating coward at that. Even your lovely husband to be doesn't trust you- remember the that he honey trapped you 2 years ago. You live and work together 24 hours a day 7 days a week. It's borderline desperation. :scratchhead:

Heck you even had the cheek to bleat on the divorce paperwork that you weren't in a new relationship at that time and that financially you had no money. Flaming narcissistic two faced liar. Total tool.

However this is now a lovely situation for me to move forward with. Not my circus. Not my monkeys. Ever again.

Sorry peoples. Rant over.


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## Pluto2

You always have the privilege to share, no need to ever apologize for that.

Some folks never learn in this life. They repeat the same hurtful, shallow mistakes. Perhaps your ex thinks it might be easier to control the new partner with a marriage license? I don't know.


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## philglossop

Done some reading online this afternoon- prior to the above and after.

The statistics are scary. You're more likely to get divorced the 2nd time around and that men generally remarry quickly as they are scared of being alone?

I must be unique. I absolutely love living alone. I love that I can do what I like when I like and not be stuck with some half hearted compromise like I was for the the last few years I was married. My ex doesn't have a Scooby's about being in your 40's and being single- becuase he was and is too flaming scared, too narcissistic to see the benefits of it.

And then I see the family history which I've not touched on.

His Grandmother? On her 3rd marriage.

His Mother- 3rd

Sister 3rd

Sister in Law 3rd

Brother 2nd.


It's hardly stable material on reflection is it? Or is it just a love of wedding cake......


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## Pluto2

wait... you have cake?


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## philglossop

Yeah it's a bit old and it sticks in the back of the throat these days.



On the plus side. I'm down to the final two for promotion at work. Interview tomorrow morning. Bricking it isn't the word.


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## philglossop

I DID IT

I'VE BEEN PROMOTED IN WORK TO SUPERVISOR!!!!!:toast::toast::toast::toast:

1 hr interview and presentation done as well.

£8K pay rise in the UK

$16K pay rise in the US

Peal me off the ceiling from shock.


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## Pluto2

philglossop said:


> I DID IT
> 
> I'VE BEEN PROMOTED IN WORK TO SUPERVISOR!!!!!:toast::toast::toast::toast:
> 
> 1 hr interview and presentation done as well.
> 
> £8K pay rise in the UK
> 
> $16K pay rise in the US
> 
> Peal me off the ceiling from shock.



Holy-moley!
This is wonderful. Very happy for you.

:smthumbup:


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## philglossop

Well, officially I've not started my new job. However when you work for local government and when you're like me I can't not start and work out bits and pieces.

Touch wood- its going well. And I have to say the best bit is that I can really concentrate on learning and put the hours in without panicking about home life or having to please a partner. 

So for example, I worked long hours last week, I was tired out and in bed asleep for 13 hrs on Saturday evening until Sunday morning :smile2: Boy did that feel fantastic.

When I was married I was in a similar job- but never got to real grips with it. Now I can truly give it my all without a need to panic about upsetting anyone. Even my lovely Mum understands and she's taking on my ironing for me- and my old flatmate is my cleaner. In many respects I'm lucky and I'm loving every minute of it all at the moment.

But I have plans for my rather nice payrise.

A)- A new carpet for my lounge and hallway.:grin2:

B)- I need to cover over that darn tattoo with my wedding date. I was trying to save for a nice design but life got in the way :smile2:

C)- I really really want a fab holiday next year. I'm hoping to for back to San Diego, as it's been 14 years and before I was with XH so no memories just good ones. Plus I can get Mexico thrown in for free really!

The turning point has been reached. Finally. Much more light than dark now


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## philglossop

Met up with some lovely friends and a very old ex partner and his lovely husband last evening and talked away for hours "chewing the cud" so to speak. A nice blend of old friends and new.

I lived with my ex back in 1999/2000 when I was very young, very impressionable and he was the first person to break my heart so to speak. He's now become a valued friend.

He looked me in the eye and said "you've never looked happier than you do now Phil". "You've come into your own since I saw you last December". 

He's right. I've got the dream job, no financial worries and nothing to knock me or put me down. I'll give Shaun his due, he looked at me and said "you should be with a man now- you're the perfect package"- but I'll admit I'm both scared of fallikng for another sociopath and I'm not looking. Shaun's wise words were "just you wait Phil- that's when you'll meet him".

All in all a lovely evening- with a gale force hangover today!


----------



## philglossop

New Shirt..............................Check

New aftershave......................Check

Date.....................................Check


Nervous................................Check


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## philglossop

Date ok. Nice evening, but nothing going forward in my eyes.:smile2:

Decided not to be bothered. So booked a winter holiday to Egypt instead. :grin2::grin2::grin2:


This being single and having promotion salary is excellent. Will just have to enjoy life with pointless and meaningless foreign holidays instead......:smile2::smile2:

After all, as someone once said- it was never about the money. A thought I'll recall when I'm sipping champagne in Greece in September and next March in Sharm Egypt..... :laugh::laugh:>


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## philglossop

Life remains good. Challenging at work but good.

I've discovered that post divorce I'm a strong willed person more than I thought. I can tell my team my displeasure if they've done wrong and I don't worry about the outcome. In other words I've stopped being a people pleaser. It's a very empowering to be honest.


My wedding anniversary crashed by last week. It only dawned on me the date when I was issuing a parking ticket in the evening and writing the date on the envelope. 7/7/15. I'd would have been married for 8 years. It's just a date now. Oh and my mates birthday! Someone online asked me how long would I have been married to which I responded, I've have been divorced or divorcing if events of March 2013 hadn't happened. A sad thought but an honest response. You see, that counselling and therapy did help in the end  

My best mates birthday last weekend, and I got to meet a person who I'd heard a lot about, from Holland. Nice chap- very high maintenance but I have to say I had a fantastic night out with some lovely people- and my circle of friends has grown as a result. 

Not long till I go on holiday now. Trying to shift some weight I've put on, but actually I'm comfortable in my skin these days. Heck I'm in my 40's I'm allowed a little middle aged spread. It's the decoration which helps- nice clothes help and my favourite aftershave- (Obsession CK).

Hope all is well with everyone.:grin2:


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## philglossop

I sometimes compare events of the last couple years to a swinging pendulum. It clearly swung in favour in the early days towards my XH.

Now I get the feeling (and it's a gut feeling which I now trust)- the pendulum is back on the move my way at last.

I don't know why, but this gut feeling is much stronger than I think. Events aren't just going my way a little bit, but time after time in the last 3 months it's been positive. Oh I'm not interested in finding out if my gut is correct but I could if I wanted to.

No, lets see. Planning my winter holiday today- off to either Spain or Gran Caneria. I want all inclusive and I'll get it. Another plus. 

Ordering my new furniture and carpet next week. Paying cash from my new salary level.

Been offered my own allotment this week- saw it yesterday and I'll be getting it as quickly as possible. Another plus.

Plus and this is the biggy- I really really want a massive holiday in 2016- and I fancy doing Route 66. Anyone else done that?

But what is this gut feeling about XH I'm getting. It's most unnerving to be honest.


----------



## happy as a clam

I've done sections of Route 66, but never the whole thing start to finish. I think it would be an awesome trip! Be sure to get one of those guidebooks that tells you all the cool things to look for along the way.

You sound good!


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## Pluto2

I did that about 30 years ago. I think I was too young to appreciate it at the time.


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## Philglossop1

Afternoon everyone.

Yes it really is me, but I lost my password to the old account, so here we go re-registered and with an update.

A lots happened in the last few months. Not long after the last update, I had another motorcycle crash on my scooter. A far more serious one compared to last December and one which I've just about healed from. I came off on a corner on a wet day and tore all the muscles in my left hip and knee. I was karted off to hospital and morphine to the hilt, but luckily I did no massive damage. The muscles in the hip have only just sorted themselves out in the last week or so, and the knee isn't that strong still.

So I had a week off work, got the scooter mended and I'm now selling it. Instead, I'm the proud owner of a Fiat Panda. Lovely little car which is economic and does what I need it to do.

In September I had my holiday in Zante. That was the best 10 days holiday I can remember since my trips to USA back in 1999/2001. Perhaps because I went alone, but all I'll say was the hotel was "basic", in fact I was stayed in the annex block. We nicknamed it the Prison Block.:grin2: When I say we, I met a few fantastic people who like myself had traveled alone or as a couple, and we all got on like a house on fire. So much so, we're all meeting up next month, and we've booked to go back to the same hotel together as a group next year.

Zante is a beautiful Greek "Green" Island with massive olive groves, and citrus trees. It's not overly touristy but the Greeks are as friendly people as I remember them being years ago. It sounds like I'm a travel rep, but seriously it's a lovely quiet island.

Work continues to go well. I'm still working like a trogen and I've got used to the 430am wake up calls now. I'm still resolutely and happily single. It's going to take a diamond of a person to take my heart next time and I refuse to set for second best out of loneliness. Oh there was an offer- but I discovered I was going to be a Booty call. Not my thing thank you.

You'll note that there's a lack of talk about someone. Simple fact is, I've heard nothing from him now for over 6 months. A fact back along that would have upset me. Now, I view it as a blessing. I heard a saying whilst I was on holiday from one of my new friends which resonated with me. 

"I went from Nothing to Nothing. It wasn't very easy. But it wasn't very hard".

I like that statement. There was nothing to begin with, and now there's nothing at the other end. The circle is complete.

Busy few weeks before Christmas- London for weekend shopping, then Manchester shopping, catching up with old friends and neighbours and Madonna Concert.

And I don't even like Madonna.........:grin2::grin2:

Hope everyones well- Pluto- you sound good! x


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## Philglossop1

Maybe, just maybe- this self enforced relationship drought is coming to an end.

It's been 2 and half years nearly. Done the grieving, done the crying, done the soul searching. 

But done with being aloof if that makes any sense. Just by putting my head over the parapet, for a sneeky look showed up 2 interested people. Both of which I've known for a while.

Meh. We'll see.


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## Philglossop1

There has never been a month like it.

So far I've been to the following

London x2
Manchester
Lancashire
Derbyshire
Gloucestershire x2
:grin2: and a place called "Weatherfield"- home of a UK soap called Coronation Street.

Tomorrow will be only my 5 full day home here in Plymouth Devon since the 25th November.

I've been invited to eat in 2 top London Hotels, seen Madonna in concert. I've met 2 UK MP's last evening and a surgeon who runs the "Help for Heroes" rehab centre in the West Midlands.

I've never been so busy. My life has taken on a life of it's own this year and it's fantastic to be so busy and away from work. 

I went home to the old town where I lived with XH and shocked myself at just how matter of fact I was about it all. My best mate who was with me looked at me and asked how I felt.

I looked at him and said clearly with no malice nor upset. "I took the rap for the collapse of the marriage and I had to divorce him remember? I refuse to take the wrap for the total destruction from 2013 onward. That's his doing. Not mine. He's not here. He's ashamed of it all hence his hiding and why he'll never come back here."

Calm- matter of fact and honest. Good rules to live by after a divorce.

I trust you all have a festive Christmas and a happy New Year. :grin2::grin2::grin2:


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## Pluto2

Its surprising sometimes how much more involved one can become in life when you are actually able to drop some of the pain of a nasty divorce? Could you have imagined this past year of yours two years ago?

Although I have to say, I enjoy my bed and your schedule would wear me to a frazzle. Happy New Year, Phil!


----------



## Pluto2

Here's hoping you have a very Merry Christmas, dear friend. And a Happy Boxer Day tomorrow. I hope this new year brings you endless smiles and joy.


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## Philglossop1

Happy Christmas everyone

Well its late Boxing Day here in the UK now- on the warmest Christmas in the UK for over 110 years- temperature was 57f here at 6am this morning- so pretty much rare stuff.

I'm covering a lot of shifts at work- lates on Christmas Eve, and a double shift today Boxing Day, so money will be nice, but I'm tired now.

Had Christmas lunch at my best mates with my parents so they had a lovely afternoon- it must have been good as I fell asleep just after the Queens Speech started and woke up an hour later- something I've never done before. There may be photos in existence of me snoring through Liz's speech to "her kingdom and the Commonwealth"- does the President make an address to the US on Christmas Day or is it just us?

Loads of TV recorded so lots to watch in weeks to come. Was spoiled a little on the presents front, but it was lovely relaxing day.

Thanks Pluto for the lovely message- hope you and your girls had a lovely festive day without deadbeat making contact (I expect he didn't tbh!).

Just relaxing with a nice cold Carling lager and going to catch on a documentary about the late Cilla Black who left us here in the UK aged 72 this summer. A much loved and missed entertainer for us across the Pond.

Happy Christmas to you all over the world

Phil x:smile2::smile2:


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## Philglossop1

The worst thing about being single is now. When you've got a stinking head cold bordering on flu.......


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## Pluto2

I do hope you are on the mend.

Being married never made a difference. Make some soup with lots of garlic and clear your head up.


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## Philglossop1

Back when I was getting divorced the normal things happened, and one of those was the dividing of friends. Luckily most people took the sensible grounds of neutral and as a result I was very lucky.

Bar 1 friend. This person took totally to my XH side and tried her very damned to be stuck in the middle of my misery by for all intents and purposes by throwing enough mud around to make my life very unhappy. So I called her on it and cut her out my life. It was the sad end of a near 20 year friendship. But I never looked back. We've had no contact.

Until last Friday.........

As a manager for the parking unit, i was called to a situation at the entrance to one of our multi stories. And guess who was stuck at the entrance barrier....... So I made her wait for about 2 minutes whilst I parked myself and did some to be fair meaningless radio messages to colleagues. Then I painted on the sickliest smile known to mankind and went to her window. 

Like a rabbit caught in the lights with nowhere to go is the best description I can say. The conversation went thus

"Oh Hello xxxxxx how are you"

"Fine"

"Just wait one moment and I'll get you in, you can park over there in a disabled bay- that's abolsutely fine"

"Oh ok......." looking more sheepish by the minute.

"Hello officers can we allow 1 vehicle into this car park please- the lady is parking in the far corner"

Barrier goes up and up she parks- she walks back towards me and asks if she's fine to park there. "Of course xxxxxx I'll make certain nothing happens to your vehicle".

Off she walks- head down.

I literally walked around the corner to the restroom, shut the door and burst out laughing.:grin2::grin2::grin2:

And you know what. No hate towards her now. Just pity. She was so embarrassed. Didn't know what to do. Stuck. And no doubt this story will have got back to certain people. Fine. Don't care. 

This was a win win. :grin2::grin2:


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## Philglossop1

So it's 3 years since it all imploded. Blimey.

And only then did I remember as it flashed up via "On this day" on Facebook.

Had a lovely day- cooked a late Mothers Day meal for parents and watched a load of DVD's with friends in the evening with some wine.

It got mentioned once to my best mate- and only then when we were alone for 30 secs. The other mates never had a thought or a scoobies.

Different times, people. Different times.


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## Pluto2

Its kind of funny the way the passage of time changes our outlook. What once seemed like the day our world ended becomes......a day to do with as we please. 

Waxing poetic there, aren't I. I'm coming up on my own un-anniversary so to speak. Or maybe its just the Merlot from last night.


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## Philglossop1

Well here's anniversary I never thought would happen.

It has been exactly 1 whole year since any direct contact with my XH. It's like he's fallen off the planet. Which in a sense he has, but it's still strange. I cut off contact when he got engaged again- and said he was getting married in Summer 15. It never happened. Another one of his wonderful lies. The saying is Sociopath I think.

Mind you I did see him the other week at the traffic lights- and he ignored me then. Then he followed me home across Plymouth before I took my turn off- close enough to be behind me but not close enough to interact. It was all a bit strange tbh. 

It's going to be a busy Summer. Back to Zante for 2 weeks this year, and off to 3 weddings- my cousins, an old neighbour in Derbyshire and two of my closest friends in September just when I come back off holiday. Oh and yet another new job looming over the horizon. Having been in Parking for 12 years, I'm moving more towards the Technical side and logistics hopefully. It's not going to be fun as I know it's been regraded and it's a management grade at the moment- which is higher than Supervisory grade that I'm on now and I know that some people won't be happy. Me- I'll take the pay rise  (from £27k jump up to £34k). 

After a cold Spring here in the UK- the weather finally warmed up last week and we're well on the way to Summer now- spent a lovely weekend out and about BBQ's and visiting Torquay etc. However as I type this- we've had the fist thunderstorm of the season 

Hope alls well with everyone


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