# Passionate Kisses?



## kh4OffRoad (9 mo ago)

Does anyone else feel like they are living in the wrong end of a Mary Chapin Carpenter song? Especially “Passionate Kisses”; “He Thinks He’ll Keep Her” or “House of Cards”? I’m growing extremely tired of mediocrity and a relationship without passion. Has anyone overcome this? I can’t take much more of it.


----------



## GoodDad5 (9 mo ago)

Not sure I can help any but I can certainly relate. My wife isn't passionate despite my efforts. She's not a romantic at all even though she loves romantic movies.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

kh4OffRoad said:


> Does anyone else feel like they are living in the wrong end of a Mary Chapin Carpenter song? Especially “Passionate Kisses”; “He Thinks He’ll Keep Her” or “House of Cards”? I’m growing extremely tired of mediocrity and a relationship without passion. Has anyone overcome this? I can’t take much more of it.


Not sure your sex, male or female. There are so many things that can be happening. For instance we have had some women who stopped affection because things like hand holding or cuddling or passionate kisses meant that they then were groped and if it didn't proceed to sex then the man would be mad so the solution was to stop the pre-game activities.

Another is men sometime stop because they simply don't think about it then when they want sex expect the woman to be good to go even though none of the pre-game /warm up activities were happening.

So are you male or female? How is the rest of your relationship? Do you two treat each other considerately. Do you still court your wife, listen to her? Or if female, do you still dress up for your husband let him know how much you appreciate the things he does?


----------



## kh4OffRoad (9 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> Not sure your sex, male or female. There are so many things that can be happening. For instance we have had some women who stopped affection because things like hand holding or cuddling or passionate kisses meant that they then were groped and if it didn't proceed to sex then the man would be mad so the solution was to stop the pre-game activities.
> 
> Another is men sometime stop because they simply don't think about it then when they want sex expect the woman to be good to go even though none of the pre-game /warm up activities were happening.
> 
> So are you male or female? How is the rest of your relationship? Do you two treat each other considerately. Do you still court your wife, listen to her? Or if female, do you still dress up for your husband let him know how much you appreciate the things he does?


Thanks for the insight!! I’m male and I do try and quart as much as life allows for it. I don’t know if you are familiar with the song passionate kisses or any of the others that I mentioned, but it’s about being in a passionate-less marriage. The thing that set me off and makes me really wonder if there ever will be a fix is this: I can’t create a space where we can be intimate unless it’s the 2-3 times a year that we actually go and stay away from home. I haven’t touched my wife in 8 months hardly. I’m sick of it. The other week I got in the shower with her early in the morning and I wanted to hold her for 5 minutes for intimacy only. I was told she had too much to do for that! In the morning she is too busy and in the evening/nights she is too tired. We have a trip planned in June I guess I’ll be waiting till then, and looking at 10 months. Sorry if I rambled! Thanks for the dialogue, any advice is welcome.


----------



## kh4OffRoad (9 mo ago)

kh4OffRoad said:


> Thanks for the insight!! I’m male and I do try and quart as much as life allows for it. We have a great relationship other then being very much without passion. I don’t know if you are familiar with the song passionate kisses or any of the others that I mentioned, but it’s about being in a passionate-less marriage. The thing that set me off and makes me really wonder if there ever will be a fix is this: I can’t create a space where we can be intimate unless it’s the 2-3 times a year that we actually go and stay away from home. I haven’t touched my wife in 8 months hardly. I’m sick of it. The other week I got in the shower with her early in the morning and I wanted to hold her for 5 minutes for intimacy only. I was told she had too much to do for that! In the morning she is too busy and in the evening/nights she is too tired. We have a trip planned in June I guess I’ll be waiting till then, and looking at 10 months. Sorry if I rambled! Thanks for the dialogue, any advice is welcome.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

kh4OffRoad said:


> Thanks for the insight!! I’m male and I do try and quart as much as life allows for it. I don’t know if you are familiar with the song passionate kisses or any of the others that I mentioned, but it’s about being in a passionate-less marriage. The thing that set me off and makes me really wonder if there ever will be a fix is this: I can’t create a space where we can be intimate unless it’s the 2-3 times a year that we actually go and stay away from home. I haven’t touched my wife in 8 months hardly. I’m sick of it. The other week I got in the shower with her early in the morning and I wanted to hold her for 5 minutes for intimacy only. I was told she had too much to do for that! In the morning she is too busy and in the evening/nights she is too tired. We have a trip planned in June I guess I’ll be waiting till then, and looking at 10 months. Sorry if I rambled! Thanks for the dialogue, any advice is welcome.


No this is good. The shower thing I can see... Most people are busy in the morning and she probably didn't even know what you were doing.

So what are your schedules like? Do you have weekend free? Children?

What is the rest of the relationship like.... I want you to really think. What does she tell you. (probably over and over)...

Also google the 5 love languages. Can you name hers?


----------



## kh4OffRoad (9 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> No this is good. The shower thing I can see... Most people are busy in the morning and she probably didn't even know what you were doing.
> 
> So what are your schedules like? Do you have weekend free? Children?
> 
> ...


Sorry for posting that last thing 2 times. I’m new to all of this. We really do have a good relationship, our schedules are about the same. A large part of the problem is we do sleep in separate rooms, we really like different sleeping environments. As far as a free weekend nothing on the books till June we do have a child in grade school. I’m not familiar with the language of love stuff I’ll look all that up tonight as I’m curious about that. I think the best thing I can do is have a long positive talk with her and try and get her to tell me a time or situation that works best for her. Then I hope we can follow through. I hear some people on here talking about how bad 1x a month sucks, I’d feel like I hit the d*mn lottery if she told me we were going to have monthly alone time!


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Well here's the thing. You have to get to the bottom of what is the hold up? Opposite schedules, sleeping in different room, small children and working stressful jobs can all be detriments. But won't stop people who want to...

Sometimes with women sex just isn't on our mind but other times there is resentment like when they tell you the same thing (many times but spaced apart) and nothing happens.

In addition they can develop intimacy avoidance depending on other things. Or she might now be into you.

So I would suggest having a loving conversation. One thing that can work is to schedule sex. So if you know that you child goes to bed at 8:30 and you both are normally up until 9:30 then after the kids goes down and you are sure they are asleep you move into the bedroom. Some women need some romance to get in the mood others often times like a massage. What do you do to approach sex?

Also be honest. If when you jumped in the shower she hadn't kicked you out would you have then tied to start something?

Look at the love languages and get back to me. Also try hugging her and asking about her day and saying nice things this week without groping her or trying to turn everything into sex.

When you say you're going to talk with her. What do you intend to say? How do you think she is going to respond? How long have you been married and how old is your child? Will this be the first talk?


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Yea the lack of passion makes it seem like you have an inflatable love doll in bed with you, I envy people I see kissing in public or in the movies.

Did either of you have an affair.

Did the passion die off suddenly after something odd happen?

Did she ever say "I love you, but am not in love with you" or something similar?


----------



## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

I think people, men especially, are just forgetting more and more how to elicit passion. I didn't see one thing in any of OPs posts that would make his wife want to kiss him boringly, let alone passionately.

"It makes me so hot when you sleep in a separate bedroom" said no woman ever.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

What made you sleep in separate bedrooms? 
has either one had an affair?
How many years have you been married and when did sex slow down?


----------



## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

I had to negotiate with wife to get passionate kisses back in our lives. Sad, really. Now I'm permitted them only if we are about to have sex, during or after. I mean, really? How awful is the experience? She used to be Olympic gold medal kisser before she up and decided she no longer liked those kisses. Out of the blue, too.


----------



## kh4OffRoad (9 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> Well here's the thing. You have to get to the bottom of what is the hold up? Opposite schedules, sleeping in different room, small children and working stressful jobs can all be detriments. But won't stop people who want to...
> 
> Sometimes with women sex just isn't on our mind but other times there is resentment like when they tell you the same thing (many times but spaced apart) and nothing happens.
> 
> ...


As far as I can tell we do not harbor and resentment towards each other. I really do like the idea of scheduling some quality alone time, and of course I will be willing to let her pick the days/ times that work best for her. To approach sex we do usually go for a massage and then a little kissing and of course on to sex, although I am a little concern that might be getting old too. As far as when we were in the shower, I would have very happy to just have my naked body hold hers for a few moments. If she would have wanted more then I would have played along. No I was not worried about that right then and there. I did have a chance to look up the languages of love and it seems to me we are acts of service, both of us. We are celebrating 11 years married really soon, have a child in grade school. This will be our fist real talk about this in a long time, I am not sure what or how to say if but of course I am going to try and stay positive. I hope that answered a few of your questions. Again thank you for the advise.


----------



## kh4OffRoad (9 mo ago)

TAMAT said:


> Yea the lack of passion makes it seem like you have an inflatable love doll in bed with you, I envy people I see kissing in public or in the movies.
> 
> Did either of you have an affair.
> 
> ...


No there are no affairs going on here, for either one of us. Passion has never been the highlight of our relationship but I have always treasured when we do get to be alone, and I don't want it to die off all the way. She has never said that she wasnt in love with me. I do wonder sometimes. because it seems like we are headed towards just being roommates. I dont want that for us.


----------



## kh4OffRoad (9 mo ago)

Longtime Hubby said:


> I had to negotiate with wife to get passionate kisses back in our lives. Sad, really. Now I'm permitted them only if we are about to have sex, during or after. I mean, really? How awful is the experience? She used to be Olympic gold medal kisser before she up and decided she no longer liked those kisses. Out of the blue, too.


I am ok with only kissing like that under such circumstances, as long as I know there's still passion there, I'll take it! I just don't want that to not happen.


----------



## kh4OffRoad (9 mo ago)

TAMAT said:


> Yea the lack of passion makes it seem like you have an inflatable love doll in bed with you, I envy people I see kissing in public or in the movies.
> 
> Did either of you have an affair.
> 
> ...


No there are no affairs going on here, for either one of us. Passion has never been the highlight of our relationship, but I have always treasured when we do get to be alone, and I don't want it to die off all the way. She has never said that she wasnt in love with me. I do wonder sometimes. because it seems like we are headed towards just being roommates. I dont want that for us.


----------



## kh4OffRoad (9 mo ago)

Beach123 said:


> What made you sleep in separate bedrooms?
> has either one had an affair?
> How many years have you been married and when did sex slow down?


We sleep in separate rooms because we really like different environments, I need dark and quiet she needs light and noise, we are just not compatible at all at night. We have never had affairs or anything like that. We have been married almost 11 years. The past year has been verry bad as far as any passion goes, we have not been together at all in 8 months. While I know every couple has dry spells, I want this to end and hopefully we can come out of it in a better place.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Why have you waited 8 months to discuss the lack of sex and intimacy in the marriage?

do it today. You ask her point blank, I want sex regularly in our marriage - otherwise I may as well be alone - can we agree to 3 times a week? (And a compromise of once a week/two weeks will ensue).

state what the issue is - explain what you expect - see what she responds with.

if it doesn’t meet your expectations then consider your alternatives.

no married person expecting a healthy and close marriage should expect to live with sex with their spouse. If she does - she isn’t be kind/loving.


----------



## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

kh4OffRoad said:


> Thanks for the insight!! I’m male and I do try and quart as much as life allows for it. I don’t know if you are familiar with the song passionate kisses or any of the others that I mentioned, but it’s about being in a passionate-less marriage. The thing that set me off and makes me really wonder if there ever will be a fix is this: I can’t create a space where we can be intimate unless it’s the 2-3 times a year that we actually go and stay away from home. I haven’t touched my wife in 8 months hardly. I’m sick of it. The other week I got in the shower with her early in the morning and I wanted to hold her for 5 minutes for intimacy only. I was told she had too much to do for that! In the morning she is too busy and in the evening/nights she is too tired. We have a trip planned in June I guess I’ll be waiting till then, and looking at 10 months. Sorry if I rambled! Thanks for the dialogue, any advice is welcome.


I, as the wife, understand this entirely too much. My husband spends a lot of his evening time being drunk/high so really the only time that he wants to be intimate is in the morning. Which isn't entirely fair to me because I do work. I stay up sometimes too late with him, hoping that he would take his attention away from the tv and put it on me and then I'm so tired in the morning that I just don't want it but I don't tell him this because I don't want to hurt his feelings. So we have a lot of 5 minute morning sex.


----------



## kh4OffRoad (9 mo ago)

Beach123 said:


> Why have you waited 8 months to discuss the lack of sex and intimacy in the marriage?
> 
> do it today. You ask her point blank, I want sex regularly in our marriage - otherwise I may as well be alone - can we agree to 3 times a week? (And a compromise of once a week/two weeks will ensue).
> 
> ...


I understand we lead busy lives and sometimes you will go through a dry spell. I was trying to be patient and hope she would come around without having to have a long conversation about it all. However there’s a difference between being patient and doing nothing. I have now had enough and I must figure it out. I’ll be talking with her soon.


----------



## kh4OffRoad (9 mo ago)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> I, as the wife, understand this entirely too much. My husband spends a lot of his evening time being drunk/high so really the only time that he wants to be intimate is in the morning. Which isn't entirely fair to me because I do work. I stay up sometimes too late with him, hoping that he would take his attention away from the tv and put it on me and then I'm so tired in the morning that I just don't want it but I don't tell him this because I don't want to hurt his feelings. So we have a lot of 5 minute morning sex.


That sucks that he can’t put the bad habits to rest at least 1x a week for his wife’s sake. But at least you two have something, hold on to that as long as you can!! I’m still trying to figure out if the wife would rather have mornings or nights alone with me. She is to worn out at night and to busy in the mornings… of course we both work so daytime is not an option…


----------



## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

kh4OffRoad said:


> That sucks that he can’t put the bad habits to rest at least 1x a week for his wife’s sake. But at least you two have something, hold on to that as long as you can!! I’m still trying to figure out if the wife would rather have mornings or nights alone with me. She is to worn out at night and to busy in the mornings… of course we both work so daytime is not an option…


We have a huge something and I'm not giving up


----------



## kh4OffRoad (9 mo ago)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> We have a huge something and I'm not giving up


That is so awesome, I like to hear that! I don’t mean to mind your business… I hope he realizes how special what he has is. Could he be tempted to put down the vices for a night or two if there was something special to look forward to? Perhaps like some hot undies you could wear or something that can’t be done early in the morning? That always gets my attention!!


----------



## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

kh4OffRoad said:


> That is so awesome, I like to hear that! I don’t mean to mind your business… I hope he realizes how special what he has is. Could he be tempted to put down the vices for a night or two if there was something special to look forward to? Perhaps like some hot undies you could wear or something that can’t be done early in the morning? That always gets my attention!!


One step at a time and a lot of praying. We will get there, I know that we will. He asked me to come home today to relax with him instead of going to the gym. There's a lot going on (if you read my posts). His sex drive is built on emotion. When there's a lot of negativity going on around us, or if he isn't feeling too well from drinking too much the day before, then it doesn't exist for us.


----------



## kh4OffRoad (9 mo ago)

Well that’s a wonderful place to start! I hope you two have a great night!!


----------



## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

kh4OffRoad said:


> Does anyone else feel like they are living in the wrong end of a Mary Chapin Carpenter song? Especially “Passionate Kisses”; “He Thinks He’ll Keep Her” or “House of Cards”? I’m growing extremely tired of mediocrity and a relationship without passion. Has anyone overcome this? I can’t take much more of it.


I finally convinced her we need a 10-second good night kiss. Used to give me dry passionless pecks of a half second. Insane. That has helped a bit. still stingy with French. I don’t get it.


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

kh4OffRoad said:


> I understand we lead busy lives and sometimes you will go through a dry spell. I was trying to be patient and hope she would come around without having to have a long conversation about it all. However there’s a difference between being patient and doing nothing. I have now had enough and I must figure it out. I’ll be talking with her soon.


You’re not getting passion because you’re not eliciting passion in her.
She’s not having sex with you because she doesn’t want to have sex with you.
Eight months means she’s just not sexually attracted to you and does not desire you as a man.
Sorry, that sucks to hear but that’s the reality.

So what can you do about it?
You can’t negotiate desire.
You can’t negotiate passion.
You have to ignite/inspire her passion for you. And you don’t do that by sleeping in separate bedrooms, and you don’t do it by doing more dishes, and you don’t do it by being a good, predictable, boring husband, and you don’t do it by following her lead, and you don’t do it by ASKING for sex.

You need to be the man that she respects, looks up to, wants to follow and is sexually attracted to.
YOU are the key here, not her.
You can’t make your wife **** you. All you can do is make yourself more ****able.

If you want your situation to improve, you need to be willing to stand up and take control of your situation.
Stop being passive and start leading your wife in your marriage.
Women respect strength and leadership, they despise weakness. I’m not suggesting that you’ve been weak (maybe you have, maybe you haven’t) but you certainly seem to be passive in that you’ve allowed such a sad passionless marriage to develop and persist. You are in control of your situation and you can change it if you choose to.

The first thing you need to do is make a decision as to whether or not you will passively accept a sad, passionless, unfulfilling marriage or not. Because a crappy marriage is a crappy life.

You are responsible for being the leader in your marriage. That means setting the tone of your interactions and relationship, as well as being attractive and not being unattractive as a man and a husband. Tell your wife what you expect out of your relationship together and then start behaving as such. Be playful, be flirtatious, tease her with a smile. Don’t expect her to respond right away, consider it practice.

Start doing things that make you more attractive, and stop doing things that make you unattractive.
If you’ve gotten out of shape, start working out and get in better shape.
Be more flirty and charming and fun.
Show more confidence and leadership. Recognize it you’re acting whiny, needy, etc. and stop doing it.

Above all, this is for you, not for her. If she asks what’s going on with you, just tell her I’m not willing to have a non-passionate, roommate marriage so we’re going to start changing that now.
I realized I haven’t been leading in this and I’ve decided to change that as well.

Start being affectionate and initiating physically but don’t act butthurt when she declines.
And initiating means flirting, playing and escalating, it doesn’t mean asking for sex.

Be consistent and don’t neglect any of this, give it 6 months. If she doesn’t start responding at that point, you need clearly tell her that you won’t settle for a platonic roommate marriage, and if that is all she is willing/ capable of, then it’s time to divorce. And you need to be serious, this can’t be a bluff.
You have to be willing to lose your marriage if you want any hope of reestablishing a romantic, sexual, fulfilling marriage.

She may come around, or she may not. But after 6 months of the above, you’ll be in a much better position either way.


----------



## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

kh4OffRoad said:


> Thanks for the insight!! I’m male and I do try and quart as much as life allows for it. I don’t know if you are familiar with the song passionate kisses or any of the others that I mentioned, but it’s about being in a passionate-less marriage. The thing that set me off and makes me really wonder if there ever will be a fix is this: I can’t create a space where we can be intimate unless it’s the 2-3 times a year that we actually go and stay away from home. I haven’t touched my wife in 8 months hardly. I’m sick of it. The other week I got in the shower with her early in the morning and I wanted to hold her for 5 minutes for intimacy only. I was told she had too much to do for that! In the morning she is too busy and in the evening/nights she is too tired. We have a trip planned in June I guess I’ll be waiting till then, and looking at 10 months. Sorry if I rambled! Thanks for the dialogue, any advice is welcome.


This is not a marriage, this is BS.


----------



## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

kh4OffRoad said:


> Does anyone else feel like they are living in the wrong end of a Mary Chapin Carpenter song? Especially “Passionate Kisses”; “He Thinks He’ll Keep Her” or “House of Cards”? I’m growing extremely tired of mediocrity and a relationship without passion. Has anyone overcome this? I can’t take much more of it.


Same for me, welcome to the club.


----------



## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

gameopoly5 said:


> Same for me, welcome to the club.


Wife used to be gold medalist French. Now? Cardboard


----------

