# Married a year, no sex



## Stella19 (Jul 13, 2020)

We’ve been married for a little over a year now, and have yet to consummate our marriage. We’re both virgins but sex is something we talked about a lot before marriage. He would always say I can’t wait until we’re married, I’m tearing that dress off you the second we’re alone, and we would have some heated moments where we would force ourselves to stop before it went too far. We are Christian and that’s why we waited. I thought for sure our wedding night would have been our first time, but no. He got drunk (which we hardly ever drink so that was unusual) and He was unable to perform. Then came the honeymoon, nothing. Yes, we had moments when sex should’ve happened but it didn’t. Needless to say I was frustrated and wondered what was wrong. Came back from my honeymoon still a virgin. I’m still a virgin and have been married a year. When I asked what was wrong and why he didn’t want me in that way he said something was wrong with him. He wasn’t getting hard. We’ve made doctor appointments, we found out he does have super low testosterone but he’s been taking shots and medicine to “help” this. He’s also a type 1 diabetic and I’ve heard this plays a part in Erectile dysfunction As well. I’m just lost. I think he’s defeated because he doesn’t get hard, and now his sex drive is gone. He just doesn’t want to try anymore. Mine is getting super low because well nothing happens when I do try to turn him on. Is there anyone here who has any advice, gone through something similar, or know what I can do to solve this problem? Help!


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

He needs to continue to see drs. To get this sorted out.

With modern medicine this is solvable. NO EXCUSES. How old is he?

In the meantime, God gave us a mouth, hands and fingers. He needs to use them!!


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## Stella19 (Jul 13, 2020)

jorgegene said:


> He needs to continue to see drs. To get this sorted out.
> 
> With modern medicine this is solvable. NO EXCUSES. How old is he?
> 
> In the meantime, God gave us a mouth, hands and fingers. He needs to use them!!


I totally agree! He’s such a guy and doesn’t open up about anything so I have this feeling that when he does go to the dr he doesn’t fully explain the problem. Especially since the problem isn’t solved yet. But of course when I ask about his next appointment, he says I don’t know when it is, then he goes to it, and tells me a few days later when I’ve said several times that I want to go to the next appointment. It’s frustrating beyond belief. Like I know communication is key, I try but it’s a one way street on this topic. 
And we’ve at least used hands and mouth, but honestly that’s only good for so long. He does get off on oral (he still doesn’t get hard from that which makes me think there’s way more than a low testosterone issue) but he only uses his fingers on me and it does nothing for me anymore. I need more. And I think that’s why I’m getting in a rut my self and just tired of trying.
Thank you for your advice, it’s a relief to talk to someone!


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Stella19 said:


> We are Christian and that’s why we waited.


I am so glad you did. These problems you face would be greatly more complicated if you hadn't.



Stella19 said:


> he still doesn’t get hard from that which makes me think there’s way more than a low testosterone issue


It makes me think so, too. Erectile dysfunction secondary to diabetes is a very common diagnosis. While it is more common in type II diabetes, the nerve damage and blood-vessel implications of type I diabetes can also wreak havoc with the erection system.

Call his doctor and find out when his next appointment is. You may be right, his embarrassment may be preventing him from opening up to the doc. Although, I'm rather sure the doc knows of the relationship between diabetes and ED.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I think you need to sit him down and explain to him how DEEPLY this is hurting you and explain what the eventual outcome will be.

You should attend the next doctors appointment with him. He is young .... surely young enough that his issue can be solved.
What really hurts is his lack of interest in solving the issue which is causing you such grief


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Stella19 said:


> I totally agree! He’s such a guy and doesn’t open up about anything so I have this feeling that when he does go to the dr he doesn’t fully explain the problem. Especially since the problem isn’t solved yet. But of course when I ask about his next appointment, he says I don’t know when it is, then he goes to it, and tells me a few days later when I’ve said several times that I want to go to the next appointment. It’s frustrating beyond belief. Like I know communication is key, I try but it’s a one way street on this topic.
> And we’ve at least used hands and mouth, but honestly that’s only good for so long. He does get off on oral (he still doesn’t get hard from that which makes me think there’s way more than a low testosterone issue) but he only uses his fingers on me and it does nothing for me anymore. I need more. And I think that’s why I’m getting in a rut my self and just tired of trying.
> Thank you for your advice, it’s a relief to talk to someone!


He needs to use a vibrator on you. and there are finger techniques that most men especially young men aren't aware of in my small experience. You give him oral, he doesn't give you oral?


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

Wow, I can't imagine newlyweds going an entire year without sex.

This marriage needs to be consumated or annulled.

My wife and I had sex every day, sometimes twice, during our first year of marriage.

The sex has dimished steadily ever since, with her being LD, to now her being ND. Now, at age 65, I'm stuck in a sexless marriage.

You should not be stuck in a sexless marriage so young.

Get yourselves some help from your Doctor and a Sex Therapist.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Look, I'm just glad he's seeing a doctor about it. Some men can't make themselves go do that. He's humiliated and doesn't even want to try and less he really thinks he can do it. you're going to have to give him some time to work on it with the doctor and make sure he follows up with the doctor.

Meanwhile you should have a talk with him and tell him that you want him to keep working on it with his doctor but that you are going to be affectionate to him some and you want him to feel comfortable just being affectionate with you as well and that for now sex s off the table and let him know that when your affectionate to him you are affectionate, that he can relax because you're not trying to make it lead to sex. You both need affection. This way it will be no pressure and at least there will be affection. I hope things improve for him.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

How well controlled is his diabetes?

My guy is in his 50's and has type I and he has no problem getting erect every day, but he is super careful with his diet and controls his sugar well. The only time he ever has trouble is when he has a sugar drop, which isn't often because he monitors it.

What does yours do to control it?


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Stella19 said:


> He’s also a type 1 diabetic....


Adult onset, or since a child?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Check his devices for porn. 
(Yeah, I'm going there.)


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Blondilocks said:


> Check his devices for porn.
> (Yeah, I'm going there.)


I was gonna go there as well. Worth checking into...if he was a virgin before marriage he may have developed a bad habit. If not, then great. But if yes, it needs to be stopped right away.


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## Stella19 (Jul 13, 2020)

OnTheFly said:


> Adult onset, or since a child?


Since childhood


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## Stella19 (Jul 13, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> How well controlled is his diabetes?
> 
> My guy is in his 50's and has type I and he has no problem getting erect every day, but he is super careful with his diet and controls his sugar well. The only time he ever has trouble is when he has a sugar drop, which isn't often because he monitors it.
> 
> What does yours do to control it?


He doesn’t control it very well. His drops several times during the week. That’s the other issue. We’re getting an endocrinologist, there isn’t one nearby so he hasn’t had one in so long. Which isn’t an excuse but definitely makes it a little difficult. I’m hoping he will start to take it more seriously and if his sugar is under control then maybe it can help solve our other major issue. He works out daily and we do eat somewhat healthy so I’m not really sure why he doesn’t take his diabetes as a concern.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

how do I delete post?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Stella19 said:


> We’re getting an endocrinologist


Good move. Low testosterone should be worked up for pituitary tumor.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Does your husband masturbate? Have you talked to him about that? if he does, does he get erect then?

I second the suggestion about his possible porn usage.

I think a sex therapist would be of benefit here.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Stella19 said:


> He doesn’t control it very well. His drops several times during the week. That’s the other issue. We’re getting an endocrinologist, there isn’t one nearby so he hasn’t had one in so long. Which isn’t an excuse but definitely makes it a little difficult. I’m hoping he will start to take it more seriously and if his sugar is under control then maybe it can help solve our other major issue. He works out daily and we do eat somewhat healthy so I’m not really sure why he doesn’t take his diabetes as a concern.


When you find this doctor you should ask about getting your husband an insulin pump. Many people find them very easy to use and they make it much easier to control your diabetes. He might have much better luck keeping his sugars stable with the pump.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Stella19 said:


> I’m not really sure why he doesn’t take his diabetes as a concern.


I'm not sure, either. Except, when I was young, I thought I was invincible. Diabetes can have some really unfortunate outcomes, if not controlled. My BIL has been living on dialysis since he was 46. He is not a likely candidate for a kidney transplant, because he has comorbidities. None of us in his family are qualified donors, age, medical problems, etc. so the chances are small that he will ever get off dialysis.

Endocrinology is the right place to go.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

is there a chance he is closet gay?


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

What about head? Does he give you head? I would be more concerned about his selfishness in not bothering to give you satisfaction and actively seek out solutions.
He sounds like a selfish lover on the extremely limited sexual menu you have shared.
How does he feel about the situation?
Do you two talk about it?
Is there any reason to suspect porn use?
Do you two watch porn together?
When you two were dating did he get erections?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

This should have come up before marrying. He had to know he couldn't have sex. If you are determined to stay, which I honestly would not advise, he needs radical lifestyle changes along with medical treatment.

Has he ever been able to get an erection?

How old is he?

Height and weight?

Is he muscular?

What exercise does he do?


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

You can get an annulment if the marriage hasn't been consummated. Just sayin'....


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