# Ever been suspicious of your spouse and been wrong?



## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

I have never been the jealous or clingy type- the opposite, actually. I'm the type who needs my own space and gives it in return.

But I find myself being very suspicious of my H. He is very secretive and always keeps his office door shut, he always logs out of everything, keeps everything password protected, etc.

He's started coming home late whenever he's out but there's always a reason. He is on Facebook like it's his job and has a group of friends that only he, conveniently, has anything in common with, so I'm excluded.

I did find a questionable text on his phone recently. 

I did bring this up with him the other night (I didn't mention the text), and he turned it around on me, saying that if there is no trust the relationship is over anyway. We've only been married a year and a half. These same issues came up in his first marriage.

Has anyone had strong feelings that something was off, or that a spouse was having some sort of secret relationship and been wrong?


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## Mario Kempes (Jun 12, 2010)

pink_lady said:


> I have never been the jealous or clingy type- the opposite, actually. I'm the type who needs my own space and gives it in return.
> 
> But I find myself being very suspicious of my H. He is very secretive and always keeps his office door shut, he always logs out of everything, keeps everything password protected, etc.
> 
> ...


I think you should always trust your gut feeling, Pink Lady.

Sounds to me like he's raising a lot of red flags there..........

Why did his first marriage end?


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

He claimed it was because she wanted kids and he didn't. But now I realize a lot of their problems were because of these same issues. He said when we first got together that she was the jealous type. Like I said, I never have been. But I also don't want to be with someone who puts me dead last.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

pink_lady said:


> I did bring this up with him the other night (I didn't mention the text), *and he turned it around on me, saying that if there is no trust the relationship is over anyway*. We've only been married a year and a half. These same issues came up in his first marriage.


I think your husbands attitude is lousy, and just plain uncaring/ distant and ....WRONG. 

You know what bothers me alot on this forum....all the references to not trusting, clingy - when one spouse is wanting more Transparency...... a Willing /giving Transparency IS what builds TRUST in a marriage... the way your husband is acting....he is adding to your distrust, you are feeling "left out" with all his private time , a place you are not welcome, even though you are married, and considered "one". 



> He said when we first got together that she was the jealous type


 Anytime a man puts down a woman like this ,or a woman puts down a man like this.. it NEEDS further looked into - because sometimes.....that very person is DOING things that breed further questioning & cause such jealousy.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I don't know if I am wrong to still believe my wife cheated. She denies it of course. There is no way to know if one is right until it is proven.

Meanwhile, trust your gut.


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## Calling All Angels (Jan 3, 2013)

If he is trying to hide things, ask him to show you. People with nothing to hide, don't hide anything. Facebook is a playground for some people. My soon to be ex husband has been going crazy on there with all of his old girlfriends from high school. The private messages pop up on his email all the time. It's funny to me because I don't love or care about him anymore. Your instincts are probably right on the money. Put a stop to it now before it is too late.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I think that you don't have to see proof of wrongdoing to decide that his secrecy is unacceptable.


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

i concur with everyone else. don't let him fool you into thinking it's you. Your concerns ARE valid and in a loving relationship, you should be able to discuss things like this.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

He is constantly putting these odd, veiled messages on Facebook, and constantly seeking attention and admiration, validation from other women- paying them compliments and giving them attention to try and get it back, I suppose.

It's no wonder that he is an actor and is happiest when he's on stage.

But his public affection toward other women, the constant gushing compliments and the way he seeks their approval in front of everyone we know is embarrassing to me- and I've told him this before. Especially when he hasn't posted anything on my page in months.

I don't know what to do about this. It's actually eroding my self esteem and making me wonder why he wanted to get married at all if he has to get his attention from others (who don't care that he hasn't had a job in a year, don't see him in his stinky sweats, etc.).


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

What do you want to see happen, pink? 

He is who he is. He has attention needs you cannot meet, and the way he goes about them is likely to hurt you. 

You can put your foot down and say, "No more!" If he values your relationship, he will stop being secretive. However, if he values getting his own attention too much, then he will become unhappy in the relationship anyway.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Trust your gut. If I had I'd have saved myself and my marriage alot of grief. Instead, I ignored my instincts in favor of listening to his words. At least superficially. It never put my mind at ease it simply kept me from acting on those suspicions. If I'd acted sooner his EA wouldnt have gotten nearly as deep and he wouldnt have fallen 'in love' with her. But I gave it too much time. Hoping it would work itsself out. It never does. IF I'd been here on TAM I'd have known that a bit better and would have acted much more swiftly and much much more effectively. Likely cutting an EA that lasted for more than a yr down to a matter of mos. If I'd followed my gut in July it would only have lasted 5 mos instead of Feb '11 to Feb '12 but still drug out even after dday until NC was established in May '12. 

SO dig into this. Get your answers. Put a keylogger on that computer and check his phonebill. VAR in his car if necessary. He's got some pretty major red flags. Starting with "*and he turned it around on me, saying that if there is no trust the relationship is over anyway"*. Thats classic gaslighting. My H called me a "jealous nutjob who was in need of a dr" ......he was 10 mos into an affair at the time.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

pink_lady said:


> I have never been the jealous or clingy type- the opposite, actually. I'm the type who needs my own space and gives it in return.
> 
> But I find myself being very suspicious of my H. He is very secretive and always keeps his office door shut, he always logs out of everything, keeps everything password protected, etc.
> 
> ...


No. I've only ever been right! This kind of transference of guilt "you are hurting our marriage by suspecting me" is pretty typical of someone who is up to no good. Did he cheat with you during his first marriage?


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

He sounds like a narcissist. Run. Just run.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

True, I can tell him it bothers me and ask him to stop, but what would happen is he would stop for a few weeks, then start up again anyway.

Is it reasonable that this bothers me? I'm sure it would bother him if it was the other way around- for instance when we were dating he saw a photo of me and an ex (that was in a box with tons of other old photos) and was so upset he pouted and would barely speak to me the rest of the night after driving 4 hours to see me.

Maybe he is just one of those people who likes the excitement of the beginning of a relationship, when all the other person knows is the best possible face you put forward for them to see.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

janefw said:


> No. I've only ever been right! This kind of transference of guilt "you are hurting our marriage by suspecting me" is pretty typical of someone who is up to no good. Did he cheat with you during his first marriage?


No, we met after he was separated and his ex was living in a different state. Their marriage only lasted a couple of years.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Of course it's reasonable for you to be bothered.

What is *not* reasonable is to let others set your values and priorities. Go ahead and honor the ones that come naturally to you. I'm seeing you in http://jellygator.hubpages.com/hub/Making-Less-of-Herself-Wont-Make-Him-More


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

He is one of those people who is all about him. Google narcissist or narcissism.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

It will be very difficult to monitor his online activities. His computer is password protected, and he never leaves it without logging off. He deletes all his emails and texts. Our phones are totally separate- separate carriers, bills etc.

The other day I did see a text on his phone from some girl I do not know that said only 'I want to see you.' I tried to think of an instance where I might send a text that said that to a married man...nope, can't think of one.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

> What is *not* reasonable is to let others set your values and priorities.


This is so true. I would add to the list of values and priorities also _morals_.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

pink_lady said:


> It will be very difficult to monitor his online activities. His computer is password protected, and he never leaves it without logging off. He deletes all his emails and texts. Our phones are totally separate- separate carriers, bills etc.
> 
> The other day I did see a text on his phone from some girl I do not know that said only 'I want to see you.' I tried to think of an instance where I might send a text that said that to a married man...nope, can't think of one.
> 
> This group of people he hangs out with are all into performing and it's basically a local clique. They are all generally the type that crave constant attention and love to create human drama.


Personally, I think it's a simple solution: You tell him what your standards are. Once. If he betrays them, you SHOW him that you mean it by walking. If he comes back and says he's changed, great. If he ever violates again, it's over for good. 

I don't see a need for proving a thing there. The standard is simple - treat me as if I'm the most important person in your life. Otherwise, I won't be that person. 

But if you cannot bring yourself to leave without proof, the way to get around his passwords is to get a keylogger that you install on YOUR computer and send him a link via e-mail. It auto-executes and mails you screenshots. This is illegal, however, and is the reason I encourage you to act by honoring your own values instead of his.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

Unfortunately those modules are .exe files (you can embed them in a Word doc- but that looks even more suspicious imo). My H is not very computer savvy but even he would be wary of me emailing him a random .exe file, esp. since I've told him I had a feeling something was not right and his secretive ways bother me.

I do pay for our internet access and the bill is in my name (after all, he doesn't have a job) but I don't own his computer.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

pink_lady said:


> Unfortunately those modules are .exe files (you can embed them in a Word doc- but that looks even more suspicious imo). My H is not very computer savvy but even he would be wary of me emailing him a random .exe file, esp. since I've told him I had a feeling something was not right and his secretive ways bother me.
> 
> I do pay for our internet access and the bill is in my name (after all, he doesn't have a job) but I don't own his computer.


So- youre paying for his cheating avenue?????? Have a password put on your wireless connection and cut him OFF!


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Why does he not have a job? There is a big difference between privacy and secrecy. If it were me I'd be asking for full access to everything. If he asks why, tell him in case somethings happens to him, or that's the way marriages operate. If he say he feels you don't trust him I'd turn that around immediately. As in "why do you have a problem with that". My wife has all my passwords for all my accounts.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

The not having a job issue is a whole other thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...sband-told-me-he-does-not-want-work-ever.html


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

pink_lady said:


> It will be very difficult to monitor his online activities. His computer is password protected, and he never leaves it without logging off. He deletes all his emails and texts. Our phones are totally separate- separate carriers, bills etc.
> 
> The other day I did see a text on his phone from some girl I do not know that said only 'I want to see you.' I tried to think of an instance where I might send a text that said that to a married man...nope, can't think of one.


He has plenty of time on his hands to fool around, seeing how he refuses to go find a job.

If he steps out on you I'd say good riddance.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Yep... time to stop being a sugar mama!


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

Like I said, I'm sure he seeks approval from other women partly because they don't care that he hasn't worked in a year and he lives in a house owned by Mom & Dad.

They just see him at his best when he's in his theater element. It's easy to stay inside the fantasy bubble that way.

And I'm just the nagging wife who still expects him to bring in at least enough money to pay half the bills.

He wrote a new play and clearly wanted to be showered with lots of praise for it. And yes, it is well written. But frankly I couldn't help noticing the story was on 'every teenage boy's fantasy' side. He wrote a play for himself to star in about rock stars who are kidnapped and used for sexual playthings by a gang of hot chicks before they go down in a blaze of gunfire. Very Russ Meyer.

The girl who sent him the 'I want to see you' text is evidently going to be in this local production, interestingly enough.

So, I told him it was really good and he should try to get it published (that had never occurred to him from what I could tell). But after a year of not working and the unemployment a couple weeks away from running out...coupled with the other issues...him spending hours upon hours working on a script and very limited time looking for work...I guess my admiration for his artistic endeavors isn't as enthusiastic as he needs it to be.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Personally, I don't see much to admire.

He's another loser with a ten-cent ability to schmooze. Whoopie.


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## StoneAngel (Oct 10, 2012)

pink_lady said:


> He is constantly putting these odd, veiled messages on Facebook, and constantly seeking attention and admiration, validation from other women- paying them compliments and giving them attention to try and get it back, I suppose.
> 
> It's no wonder that he is an actor and is happiest when he's on stage.
> 
> ...


oh my story is so similar, other than then the jobless bum in sweats part! (my H actually works really hard and is a great supporter)

I don't know what to say. I am still wrestling with trust, seeking the truth, spinning conversations, the logistics of many things, and the stories that don't add up.
He still keeps saying that there is nothing to tell and that it is crushing to him that I don't trust him. There have been points that he has even pushed it one step further by threatening separation because I am accusing him ofhaving no integrity and "he won't put up with it much longer".

I don't believe I will ever change my feelings regarding a couple of events. I believe there was infidelity (to what degree I don't care anymore) I am having a harder time pushing aside my instincts to deny and say that it can't be true.

I am not a huge lover of NMMNG...in fact it gave me huge panic attacks and moments of sobbing meltdowns, but my H read it and started making many changes.

If not for those changes I would not be here.

He stopped seeking the approval of women. When we now enter a room he seeks out males to talk to instead of their wives first. He stopped calling women Love and Darlin. He stopped being the guy at the office that the women would tell their problems to. He stopped telling me about why he thought/thinks woman X is such a Doll! Idon't feel like he is steering conversations anymore. The list is quite extensive and I am really proud of him. You might want to read NNMNG. It may give you the info you are looking for to helo term if your H has the courage to change and whether you are event willing to go along for the ride.
I know I have made the decision to stay but with that I have expressed to him that I am not seeking anymore details about the two events in question but without question I will never live with the same amount of doubt in regards to a new incident. He has been given his ONLY get out of jail free card! I had never given him such a clear boundary before...I was always the "we can work anything out kind of girl". Interestingly enough that state of anxiety and panic he entered following lasted 2 and 1/2 weeks. It caused him to see his counselor 6 times in that period. Now if that doesn't speak volumes I don't know what does!

Sorry for being long winded..... for many yrs I have tried to tell myself that my feelings and impressions have been wrong....I finally had to tell myself that they are right and finally make a DECISION about what to do about it.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

StoneAngel said:


> oh my story is so similar, other than then the jobless bum in sweats part! (my H actually works really hard and is a great supporter)
> 
> I don't know what to say. I am still wrestling with trust, seeking the truth, spinning conversations, the logistics of many things, and the stories that don't add up.
> He still keeps saying that there is nothing to tell and that it is crushing to him that I don't trust him. There have been points that he has even pushed it one step further by threatening separation because I am accusing him ofhaving no integrity and "he won't put up with it much longer".
> ...


I thought NMMNG was about men who were doormats- is it also about men who constantly seek admiration from women other than their wives?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

pink_lady said:


> I have never been the jealous or clingy type- the opposite, actually. I'm the type who needs my own space and gives it in return.
> 
> But I find myself being very suspicious of my H. He is very secretive and always keeps his office door shut, he always logs out of everything, keeps everything password protected, etc.
> 
> ...


NOPE! I was right! And I have the divorce papers and broken heart to prove it. Like others have said...TRUST YOUR GUT!


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## StoneAngel (Oct 10, 2012)

pink_lady said:


> I thought NMMNG was about men who were doormats- is it also about men who constantly seek admiration from women other than their wives?


Nice guys are not always doormats!

My husband is a Nice Guy. First thig people say about him is that he is a great guy. 

My H had to very dominate women in his life growing up, and a life of constant on the move. His sister who I am coming to learn is very BP and the things that my H held most dear she used to torment him and abuse him. As a result my H is probaly the worst nice guy. He learned tricks to calm the waters, to always be seen pleasing, making everyone laugh, etc etc...it was essential for him to get what he needed most. peace, praise and possibly some affection. The guilt tripping in his family of origin was amazing. In order to survive he had to be sneeky and under handed but on the surface he is brilliant, affectionate, never raises his voice, appears to be ever compromising but is so passive-aggressive I and most people do not know that they are being used and manipulated. He never comes of arrogant and the list comes on and on.

I had a really hard time reading the classic posts about Nice Guys and their dominate controlling screaming wives that make them cower. My relationship is no way reflective of this stereotype.

My husband had enough sense to marry a strong independent woman. A woman who knows the benefit of her feminine charms and maternal instincts, but also a woman who picks up that slack and gets a job down when she needs to. This has served my Nice Guy husband very well. 
Like yourself I pick up all the slack where my husband falls short so the outside world never sees his flaws. I am strong enough to mask and take responsiblity of his mistakes. We are a "team" afterall. I mask his Nice Guy anxieties. What is sad is I am the one person on the planet that doesn't want something from him (other than for him to be real) and he can't receive it. So I continue making his personal life funtion and he continues to live behind a mask.

As far as other women yes he seeks them out and they are drawn to him. Not in a Player kind of way. It is different but he nevertheless needs their smile, needs to make them laugh etc etc. He has been very succesful in business, but he has always worked for female bosses. Very dominate female bosses and when one of them speaks to him like his sister did/does he crumbles...so nice guy. There is a key portion of NNMG that addresses this.
It has been exhausting and I am turning this post into a summary of one of our counselling sessions. 
Your H may just be a conceited Narsacist, but I would sugest you give NNMNG a read and tap into Dr. Glover's blog posts every once in a while. Nice guys are much broader than the snivelling mamma's boys.
There are so many things. The point is where a lot of Nice Guys


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