# Physically/Emotionally frustrated



## NikB (Nov 16, 2016)

So I need to vent....

Been with my husband for 13 years-married for 11. We have 2 boys. 

Of course the beginning of our relationship was very sexual, honeymoon faze, naked all the time-before kids 
Anyhow, after 2nd child I got on the birth control pill. Absolutely killed my sex drive, never wanted it never thought about it, but did give it to my H pretty much whenever he wanted. I went literally years without an O. I've never had a O with PIV so he would offer oral which I almost always refused because I was never in the mood and he never really pushed the issue, he was getting his so I never got any complaints. 
Well these past 6-8 months something has changed with me and I want sex all the time. Especially the 1-2 weeks after my period. On Mother's Day this year H took me to bed, took my clothes off, and started giving me oral without giving me an option to refuse saying it was his gift to me. That's the only thing I can think of that started my sudden interest in sex again. 

Problem is as I become more sexual he seems to be lazy with my needs in and out of the bedroom. Intimacy is lacking. He also doesn't sleep in the same bed as me. Hasn't since our first child was born. I have told him multiple times that I need more from him. More touching, cuddling, maybe sleeping in same bed couple times a week. I will say he does do a lot a groping when he's in the mood other than that it's very bland. He listens to what I say but makes little to no effort in changing. I feel as though this may be my karma from previous years of not fully meeting his needs. 
We do have great sex about once a week and the other 1-3 days are just so he can O and I get Nothing. Like he's bored with giving me oral. PIV doesn't feel good to me unless it's rough, pounding, and bodies smacking. 
We had amazing sex Sunday night. He gave me oral I gave him bj then we finished PIV. Tried again Monday, no oral either side, just PIV and he couldn't finish. I have come very close to the O while doing PIV but never seems to get there. Monday I started pleasing myself while we were having sex, I thought it would be a major turn on for him since he has asked me to do before and I refused, and he stopped 1-2 mins into it and said he couldn't finish. After sex there is no kissing, cuddling, holding. Just clean up get dressed and go our separate ways no matter how good the sex was. He blames his age. He's too old to go two nights in a row now. I'm 33 he's 38. 
I feel very frustrated that he can pick and choose when he O's and mine are solely based on if he feels like giving me oral or not. I do end up pleasing myself a few times a week now to ease the madness. I have told him I would like to bring toys in the bedroom also but nothing has come from that yet. 
One thing I know I need to work on is initiating sex. He says if I want it just jump on. Lol. I am extremely shy in and out of bedroom but feel like I've made small efforts over the last few months. when I'm in control, giving BJ or on top he only lets it go on for a couple minutes before he tells me to stop, does missionary until he O's then we're done. I guess I don't really know what questions I'm asking or if I'm just needed to see it in writing. I apologize for the rambling. 
Any tips or suggestions or am I just being a cry baby? 


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

NikB said:


> Any tips or suggestions


Don't wait on your husband to get you a toy. Get yourself one, and go for a rather nice one (best seller around $75 to $100). Learn how to give yourself multiple orgasms with it, and when you are ready, demonstrate to your husband by jumping on top of him, don't allow him to move but keep him deep inside, then let him experience your orgasms while he is inside you. Even though you are not allowing him to move, he probably will not last long and you can easily learn to O together this way!

Badsanta


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

> He also doesn't sleep in the same bed as me. Hasn't since our first child was born.


Well this is your first thing to change. Hopefully your child doesn't sleep with you. Your marriage bed is for you 2 and no-one else.



> just PIV and he couldn't finish.


This sometimes happens through stress. Make sure this doesn't become a major issue to you as it will make it worse if he picks up that it bothers you. When it gets to a point of it just not happening stop and do something playful as a distraction. 



> He blames his age. He's too old to go two nights in a row now.


Yes - it probably is his age. Not unusual at 38. He could also be self-servicing in between considering you don't sleep in the same bed. But every other day isn't bad. Some men have a long refractory period. 



> I feel very frustrated that he can pick and choose when he O's and mine are solely based on if he feels like giving me oral or not.


Why? You can orgasm whenever you like. In fact we are the privileged sex in that we can have several in concession, rest and go for a few more. Train yourself to have orgasms with other methods than just him giving you oral. I wouldn't want to live life where I solely relied on my H for O's. Pressure for him, frustration for you.



> I have told him I would like to bring toys in the bedroom also but nothing has come from that yet.


What are you waiting for? Just buy some. There are some that simulate oral sex which are pretty good if you use lots of lube. http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=27353 This can be attached to a wand type vibe. It's pretty good.



> One thing I know I need to work on is initiating sex.


You definitely need to be initiating more but make sure you keep it playful. Teasing rather than jumping. Lol.



> I am extremely shy


Get over this. Shy people miss out on lots of things in life. Sometimes shyness can be misinterpreted as indifference. Do you have sex with the light on? Can you talk about sex? Stripping? Dirty talk? Dressing up? There are lots of simple exercises you can do to bring you out of your shell.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

1. What is the reason for separate bedrooms? Who picked that setup?

2. Have you made it clear to him that your O is important to you? If you've gone years downplaying the importance of your own O, then you've conditioned him to behave like this. You need to change that conditioning with clear communication and follow it up with action. Insist that you get yours first or no dice, if that what it takes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Ditto on the marriage bed. This has to stop immediately.
Ditto on the likelihood your H is masturbating while in his own bed, which would enable him to avoid intimacy with you. This also has to stop immediately.

It's okay to feel shy about initiating so cut yourself some slack. However, feeling shy doesn't mean you get a pass, it just means you have to screw up some courage and push yourself a little harder. It also means you have to initiate in ways that don't threaten you too much while you learn to deal with your shyness and shore up your courage.

1. Try sexting. You could text him that you're in the mood and hope he saves some energy for you. Simple, easy, nondirect. Hopefully, he responds positively. If he doesn't, give me his number and I'll have some words with him. 
2. Lay next to him and touch him. Run your hands up and down his chest, his legs, and breeze over his package. Touch his package "accidentally" over and over as you run your hands up and down his legs and or chest. After several minutes of this start kissing him. Hopefully he responds positively. If he doesn't, send me his number and I'll have some words with him. 
3. While cooking dinner, cleaning up, even at the table, touch him frequently. Pat his butt, run your hands over his crotch, run your fingernails from his neck to his ear and tickle his ear. Then go about your business. This is innocent flirting. You're being affectionate in a sexual way, not a parental way.
4. While watching TV cuddle with him. Just curl up to him and grab his arms and place them where you want them for affection.

Your increase in sexual desire is normal. His decrease in sexual desire isn't exactly normal. It may be the result of his pulling away after years of your lack of desire and response. Those years of lack of desire are very common because pregnancy, child birth, mothering children who require nearly constant touching and supervision wear you out emotionally. 

The good news is that now is the opportunity to rekindle the passion.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

NikB said:


> So I need to vent....
> 
> Been with my husband for 13 years-married for 11. We have 2 boys.
> 
> Problem is as I become more sexual he seems to be lazy with my needs in and out of the bedroom. Intimacy is lacking. He also doesn't sleep in the same bed as me. Hasn't since our first child was born.


Why did that happen? It is a miracle that sex is even being mentioned.



> I have told him multiple times that I need more from him. More touching, cuddling, maybe sleeping in same bed couple times a week.


7



> I will say he does do a lot a groping when he's in the mood other than that it's very bland. He listens to what I say but makes little to no effort in changing.


Does he really listen then?




> I feel as though this may be my karma from previous years of not fully meeting his needs.


Huh?

More likely he is used to getting what he wants and not having to do much in return.





> We do have great sex about once a week and the other 1-3 days are just so he can O and I get Nothing. Like he's bored with giving me oral. PIV doesn't feel good to me unless it's rough, pounding, and bodies smacking.
> We had amazing sex Sunday night. He gave me oral I gave him bj then we finished PIV. Tried again Monday, no oral either side, just PIV and he couldn't finish. I have come very close to the O while doing PIV but never seems to get there.


You have to figure out your body. It may be the case that he would have to continue after he is done. Maybe the motion could be adjusted. Maybe the PIV starts before you are fully aroused.







> Monday I started pleasing myself while we were having sex, I thought it would be a major turn on for him since he has asked me to do before and I refused, and he stopped 1-2 mins into it and said he couldn't finish. After sex there is no kissing, cuddling, holding. Just clean up get dressed and go our separate ways no matter how good the sex was. He blames his age. He's too old to go two nights in a row now. I'm 33 he's 38.


Sex needs to be initiated by romance and finished by romance. Again, he is used to giving no effort.





> I feel very frustrated that he can pick and choose when he O's and mine are solely based on if he feels like giving me oral or not. I do end up pleasing myself a few times a week now to ease the madness. I have told him I would like to bring toys in the bedroom also but nothing has come from that yet.


Tell him that you are going to get an O today and he will not. :wink2:

In reality, you have to tell him what you want and need. If the sexual atmosphere isn't mutually beneficial, then there could be the case made that it can wait.



> One thing I know I need to work on is initiating sex. He says if I want it just jump on. Lol. I am extremely shy in and out of bedroom but feel like I've made small efforts over the last few months. when I'm in control, giving BJ or on top he only lets it go on for a couple minutes before he tells me to stop, does missionary until he O's then we're done. I guess I don't really know what questions I'm asking or if I'm just needed to see it in writing. I apologize for the rambling.
> Any tips or suggestions or am I just being a cry baby?


Again, you don't have to be put on the backburner. Your feelings and pleasure matter. So what if he doesn't want to give oral sex one day. He should do it because there is benefit to you. Yes, he will have to postpone PIV a while.


In short, you need to make the sexual atmosphere more conducive for passion. For a woman, that might mean saying no to sex at times. For a man, it means initiating intimacy and seeing if it is escalated by his partner.

The bedroom situation will take some time. He will feel odd. Try to get it to start with a little sleeping together and build from there. Discomfort IS OKAY! The right thing is often uncomfortable.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> Ditto on the marriage bed. This has to stop immediately.
> Ditto on the likelihood your H is masturbating while in his own bed, which would enable him to avoid intimacy with you. This also has to stop immediately.


I'll agree and disagree here. If separate beds is something perceived as causing too much distance, then that has to be addressed. 

Separate beds in certain marriages can be helpful in situations where there is little or no personal space in the relationship. An example of this might include couples that work side-by-side in the same career all day, and that have to play tag team at home to help each other have a little extra personal space and breathing room just to be themselves for a while. These situations are likely rare.

Badsanta


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## NikB (Nov 16, 2016)

badsanta said:


> Don't wait on your husband to get you a toy. Get yourself one, and go for a rather nice one (best seller around $75 to $100). Learn how to give yourself multiple orgasms with it, and when you are ready, demonstrate to your husband by jumping on top of him, don't allow him to move but keep him deep inside, then let him experience your orgasms while he is inside you. Even though you are not allowing him to move, he probably will not last long and you can easily learn to O together this way!
> 
> 
> 
> Badsanta




I actually love this idea! Since I've never O'd with him inside me it will be a very different experience for the both of us. Now to start shopping...


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## NikB (Nov 16, 2016)

peacem said:


> Well this is your first thing to change. Hopefully your child doesn't sleep with you. Your marriage bed is for you 2 and no-one else.
> 
> Children do not routinely sleep with me but they know daddy doesn't sleep with mommy so they will crawl into bed with me very occasionally.
> 
> ...



We have sex in morning afternoon and night so lights on or off is all the same to us. We do talk about sex, often actually, dirty talk-yes-but not overboard. Stripping would be way out of my comfort zone which is a shame. He's asked to record us having sex or me sending him nude pics but I'm still on the edge. I know he wouldn't share them it's just him having an image of my imperfect body-shyness at its best 




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## NikB (Nov 16, 2016)

Fozzy said:


> 1. What is the reason for separate bedrooms? Who picked that setup?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## NikB (Nov 16, 2016)

Anon Pink said:


> Ditto on the marriage bed. This has to stop immediately.
> Ditto on the likelihood your H is masturbating while in his own bed, which would enable him to avoid intimacy with you. This also has to stop immediately.
> 
> I honestly do not think he is masturbating. He is almost always sleeping, snoring, when I go to bed. He has told me in the past when he has so he's not shy about telling me about it. I think I need to step up my game when I want it two nights in a row.
> ...


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## NikB (Nov 16, 2016)

Anon Pink said:


> Ditto on the marriage bed. This has to stop immediately.
> Ditto on the likelihood your H is masturbating while in his own bed, which would enable him to avoid intimacy with you. This also has to stop immediately.
> 
> It's okay to feel shy about initiating so cut yourself some slack. However, feeling shy doesn't mean you get a pass, it just means you have to screw up some courage and push yourself a little harder. It also means you have to initiate in ways that don't threaten you too much while you learn to deal with your shyness and shore up your courage.
> ...




Awesome ideas! Especially #4. We do not cuddle, at all! I'll definitely keep his number handy for you! He may need a stern talkin to!! 


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

NikB said:


> We have sex in morning afternoon and night so lights on or off is all the same to us. We do talk about sex, often actually, dirty talk-yes-but not overboard. Stripping would be way out of my comfort zone which is a shame. He's asked to record us having sex or me sending him nude pics but I'm still on the edge. I know he wouldn't share them it's just him having an image of my imperfect body-shyness at its best
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Comfort zones are just like cold water, go slowly and you can get there. You don't just jump in. Just don't over do it. >

38 is in no way to old. Does he have sleep apnea? Does he snore loud. That could be contributing to his tiredness. Tell him to go get a sleep study, you can die from that. Also might make it easier for you to sleep with him.


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## NikB (Nov 16, 2016)

Ok so I obviously don't get how to respond to each reply, it's a little all over the place but you all have given me great advice and ideas on where to go and what to do. 
Tonight tho! I initiated sex I think for the first time, at least that I can recall. He was sitting on the couch watching sports. I straddled him, kissed slowly then more eagerly. Removed pants, gave BJ. He told me to stop otherwise he would O in my mouth. I got up turned lamp off, straddled again started BJ again for a sec then finished PIV with me on top. That's the second time that I can recall that he didn't make me stop
To do missionary. He was happy, smiley, said was great and he acknowledged it was the first time I've initiated. So that's a step in the right direction. 
Next task is to get him in my bed afterwards. 
Also a vibrator since I didn't O tonight...


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

NikB said:


> Ok so I obviously don't get how to respond to each reply, it's a little all over the place but you all have given me great advice and ideas on where to go and what to do.
> Tonight tho! I initiated sex I think for the first time, at least that I can recall. He was sitting on the couch watching sports. I straddled him, kissed slowly then more eagerly. Removed pants, gave BJ. He told me to stop otherwise he would O in my mouth. I got up turned lamp off, straddled again started BJ again for a sec then finished PIV with me on top. That's the second time that I can recall that he didn't make me stop
> To do missionary. He was happy, smiley, said was great and he acknowledged it was the first time I've initiated. So that's a step in the right direction.
> Next task is to get him in my bed afterwards.
> ...


Great!! Now talk to him about what you like. Also let him know that that one night he that you talk about in your first post released something in you. There are always posts on her about wives changing with regards to sex and everyone's first thought is cheating. Point IS you guys have to talk about this stuff. This is a project that only the two of you can work at, it should be fun and intimate and that includes discussion about your body and how you feel, and what you like. That is a good thing, it's scary but it makes you to be very close.

Also the sleep apnea thing is no joke.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

NikB said:


> I actually love this idea! Since I've never O'd with him inside me it will be a very different experience for the both of us. Now to start shopping...
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Try a rechargeable bullet. The cheaper ones are not so powerful. We-Vibe Tango Lipstick USB Rechargeable Bullet Vibrator | Bullet Vibrators | Lovehoney

Good luck!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

NikB said:


> We have sex in morning afternoon and night so lights on or off is all the same to us. We do talk about sex, often actually, dirty talk-yes-but not overboard. Stripping would be way out of my comfort zone which is a shame.* He's asked to record us having sex or me sending him nude pics but I'm still on the edge. *I know he wouldn't share them it's just him having an image of my imperfect body-shyness at its best


The fact that he is asking about this should be viewed as a very positive thing. Believe it or not most men enjoy fantasizing about their wives. Even the ones that view porn are often simply viewing it for "context" as opposed to "people" to see some variation in the ways of making love and to get ideas that may be enjoyable to try with a spouse. When you can step back and view a video or photo of your spouse, it really helps the male imagination place your image in "context" with new ideas that your husband may enjoy imagining.

Even if you trust him not to share with anyone else, you do have to be extremely careful with digital devices these days. Many back themselves up into the cloud, sending your stuff who knows where, or sometimes other family members may have access to these devices for valid reasons and accidentally come across this content (say your husband hands his phone to someone to get a great thanksgiving photo, and as this person glances back into the albums to see how the photo turned out, BAM there you are naked in the gallery view). If I were you, I'd go old school on this one and grab a new Fujifilm that does not store things digitally, but only on a printed copy:










Make him a few small discrete sexy photos for his secret-hidden stash that do not include your face for him to enjoy! Just tell him NOT to leave them under the couch, or that they will end up in the vacuum cleaner! 

At the end of the day, if he is enjoying thinking of you more often, he will want to be with you more often!

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

peacem said:


> Try a rechargeable bullet. The cheaper ones are not so powerful. We-Vibe Tango Lipstick USB Rechargeable Bullet Vibrator | Bullet Vibrators | Lovehoney
> 
> Good luck!


I used to brag about bullets, but they are small and will also vibrate your fingers. They also do not lend themselves that well to couples play. You need something with a handle so that you can adjust it to hit just the right spot while your husband is penetrating you. 

Something like this:

Mini Wand Vibrator Sex Toys

If it slips out of place, the handle will help you easily adjust it. Also all the vibrating is just in the end and the handle is comfortable to the touch. The rounded tip applies a nice amount of vibrating pressure to both you and your husband (although your husband will feel vibrations indirectly). And your husband can easily control the pressure that this pushes into "the spot" on your clit externally as he grinds deep inside without either of you using your hands on the toy. This allows you to hold each other! 










This should also allow the two of you to relax while making love and enjoy letting the vibrator do all the work!


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Just curious how old your kids are. How did u manage sex on the couch with kids? Another thing is, not to be judgy but i don't know if it sends a good message to kids when mom and dad sleep in different beds. Especially when dad is on the couch. 
Other options are... buy a different bed, one that supports his back. I know a couple that have 2 beds in their room and they sleep in separate beds but in the same room because the husband is a very light sleeper and the wife twists and turns and kicks in her sleep.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

NikB said:


> Fozzy said:
> 
> 
> > 1. What is the reason for separate bedrooms? Who picked that setup?
> ...


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

NikB said:


> He says if I want it just jump on. Lol.


Spoken like an idiot who thinks sex is all about his d*ck. Now why am I not surprised? That's why sex with him most of the time is so abysmal - he seems to think YOUR orgasm is optional while HIS is guaranteed. What a selfish jack-hole.



> Any tips or suggestions or am I just being a cry baby?


Yes. Stop having nonreciprocal sex with a selfish jack-hole. Every time you make it all about him, you just reinforce his belief that it IS all about him.


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