# Ex married affair partner and she is still depressed.



## jj-page

Was married for 25 years and wife has battled depression for all her life. Not sure if she is bipolar and she would never get checked. She said that her mother was bipolar.

•	In mid 2012 her Ex HS boyfriend contacted her on FB. He lives in another country. His marriage was not good and cheated on his wife 8 years previous. He was now binge drinking to drown his sorrows. He had not worked in 8 years and was depressed so decided to contact his HS girlfriend. 

•	My wife was going through a midlife crisis (she didn’t know it) and told her mother she was not happy with me. (BTW, I was not aware of this at the time).
•	(According to my therapist our marriage was like every other marriage and could have been fixed. There was no violence, and we just drifted apart. In other words, I am a good person, took care of her but sometimes we never appreciate what we have so I played a role in our demise as well)
•	Through the summer of 2012 she had an Internet emotional affair with her HS boyfriend that lasted 4 months. She had not spoken to him in 30 years. He was clearly testing the waters by sending her his HS sex fantasy and testing how she would react. She was enthralled by his sexy email and started to fall for him. He would also remind her of all the good times they had in the past and he wished that he could have protected her from all the players out there. 
•	He was looking for a job in the U.S. He was jealous that she became citizen and wished he could have a green card. 
•	In his emails he always complimented her on how beautiful and intelligent she is and he was always special to him. He always wanted her to be his first lover and regretted marrying his current wife. In his emails, he never put himself down but always made himself out to be some sort of hero. 
•	I started to get suspicious of her and started following her and then she told me that I was too controlling and didn’t trust her. 
•	In autumn 2012 they both devised a plan to divorce their spouses so they could be with each other. My wife did not want to live with regrets for the next 30 years and wanted to be with her true love. 
•	He started to show a bit apprehension and now was not sure on his feelings with his wife. My wife started to panic and convinced him to leave his wife to be with her and have NO REGRETS!!
•	She sealed the deal by sending him a steamy video. 
•	My wife then told me she wanted to separate and I was shocked. I started to get therapy and begged her to get marriage counseling. She refused and “need her space” and got the “I love you but not in love with you”. She told me that by me controlling her and not trusting her it was the last straw. No matter how I begged her to try and work it out she refused and she told me that she now wanted to be happy. I asked her multiple times if there was another man in her life but denied it every time! And 10 days after I was told she wanted to separate she filed for divorce and was shocked. Meanwhile the OM did the same and his spouse and she was also shocked and surprised that he wanted a divorce. Their goal was for both of them to file for divorce quickly. 
•	He packed everything up and moved to the U.S to be with my wife. She setup her apartment and his apartment a few doors down.
•	They both filed for divorce so they could proceed to have a PA and keep their conscience clean. The felt if they filed for divorce they were free to do anything.
•	I now knew about him and hired a PI. After their PA she now told me that she was finally free of her depression and she was happy.
•	My wife wanted me to move out but I refused.
•	She moved out and then confronted her about him. She was embarrassed and blamed him for contacting her.
•	Our divorce took awhile but his divorce was quick. This was his second time cheating so she bought him a plane ticket to be with his “true love”. She was done with him. Our divorce was delayed. He was angry with my wife because he would need to leave the country if her divorce was not finalized. It is my understanding that his goal (or both of them) was to get married so he could get his Green Card and start their new life quickly.
•	My wife met with me a number of times and begged me for a divorce. She would tell me, “Why don’t you want me to be happy?” Apparently, he was pressuring her to get the divorce done. During this time he would binge drink then just before he was to leave he quit.
•	He had to leave the country and three days later he started to binge drink once again. My wife then decided to break up with him and started talking to me about reconciliation. He then threatened her that he was going to kill himself because of what she did to him. He never did. She swore that she was done with him and would never get back together with him again. She told me that he has changed since she knew him 30 years ago. But behind the scenes, she was still in contact with him but she was cautious. 
•	My wife admitted to me that she was very depressed and felt she was in constant despair. Couldn’t focus on her work and now was sorry for what she had done. But that only lasted 3 weeks and she started to put stipulations on our reconciliation, as she wanted to move away. She would never allow me to see her parents again. She was embarrassed in what she had done and what other people knew about her affair.
•	We did not reconcile and got a divorce.
•	She hooked up with him again and said she announced that she was no longer depressed and he saved her life. About 2 months after our divorce they got married bought a nice house. 
•	About 10 months passed and I believe her new husband was trying to control her and wanted to her to close any accounts that we had together. My Ex told me that she was getting pressure to close them. My Ex started to yell at me and demand I close those accounts. She told me that she is sick of me controlling her!!! I was shocked by her statement, “Controlling her!!”
•	She dropped our daughter off my house a few weeks back and we sat outside and had a glass of wine. She told me that she is now feeling depressed once again. She now admits she went through a mid life crisis. s. She feels that with her being the only breadwinner it is very hard on her. Her new husband still has not found a job but now has his Green Card. She admits that she has slipped into depression again. I gave her a big hug and wished her the best.

My questions:
Has anybody experienced something like this before? After your spouse had an affair, they were so happy and no longer depressed but after they got married to their affair partner did they fall into depression once again? Does she regret leaving me?

When we were married she hated the fact she was promoted to supervisor and hated her job with all the stress. She blamed me for her job and not supporting her (which is not true!!) But she thought her new man would pull her out of that but never did and now she told me she may become manager!! My question is, whom does she blame now?

She tells me that anger got the best of our marriage but I told her that her new husband filled her emotional void and she was sucked into his spell. I am not saying this guy is a bad guy but he was aware of what he was doing. Also he knew that he was getting involved with a married woman that had children. What will happen to this fellow? Any thoughts? 

My Ex really wants me to meet the OM but I want nothing to do with him. He has tried to lure me over but I don’t know why he is so interested in meeting me. Thoughts?


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## Rowan

No offense, but it sounds to me like you are still WAY too emotionally tied up in your ex wife. Neither of you really sounds like you've closed the book on your relationship and moved on in a healthy way. 

Oh, and I know he's the OM and you don't like him, which is perfectly natural. But there's nothing remotely odd about a man wanting his wife to close all joint accounts she still shares with her ex-husband. That you seem to view that as him pressuring or controlling her, however, _is_ odd.

I strongly advise you to find a way to let go of your ex-wife. A good IC might help.


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## Jellybeans

She may or may not regret leaving you but she is no longer your problem.

She made your choice and you got divorced.

Move on with your life.


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## Jellybeans

jj-page said:


> My Ex really wants me to meet the OM but I want nothing to do with him. He has tried to lure me over but I don’t know why he is so interested in meeting me. Thoughts?


CRAZY. And disrespectful.


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## jj-page

Rowan, interesting comment but I don't think I would go that far. To be honest, I just want her to be finally happy. If you asked me 2 years ago, I would have told you something different as I was very angry with her and hurt. But as time passed, I realize that life is short and she needs to find happiness. But I really believe she needs to find happiness within herself and not to rely on others. I have been going out with a woman for the last year and I have moved passed my divorce. I will always care for my Ex but never want to reconcile. I just don't understand why she did not find her happiness after all she went through to find it. 
BTW, I still attend sessions with my Therapist and has helped me a great deal.


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## MSP

She's confusing excitement with happiness. Lots of people do these days. When she was excited she thought she was happy. When the excitement dropped, she stopped feeling what she thought was happiness. 

Excitement is only ever a momentary distraction from depression. People who chase excitement to relieve their depression all the time become addicts—to drugs, alcohol . . . or new relationships. What they need is an inner peace and contentment. And that never comes from relying on another person to bring it, either.


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## LongWalk

Good, MSP.

JJ,

i see no reason for you meet OM. They are trying to prove that their relationship is respectable but it ain't.
You can continue to care about your ex. You have children so your connection can never be broken.

Maybe you will meet him at graduation or wedding
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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