# So confused....



## HazelBeauty1385 (Sep 17, 2013)

I have been married for a little over 3 years and with my husband for about 5 and we have a child together. He is in the military so our relationship is not normal by any means but it’s been an interesting one at that. But the last 2 or so years I’ve notice that our communication was slipping away and we were not how we use to be. He started doing activities on his own, especially after our son was born, and this hurt a lot because I was a new mother and wasn’t really sure what I was doing and I was away from family. But this last year has been our hardest. He received orders for a year away from home and family could not come. Although I did not like the idea there was not much I could do so I accepted it and we talked about what we were going to do to get through this tour. Well from day one he has not kept his promise and during this time he has hid conversations with other females from me and I caught him with both of them. The second really hurt because I saw the messages back and forth and they were sexual conversations. Something a married man shouldn’t be doing. I also found out he had been lying to me for almost the whole time he has been away. I finally got to the point of talking about a divorce and just moving on with my life. 

Well somehow he talked me into doing counseling and working on our marriage because he was really sorry and didn’t want to lose me or our little family we have. I decided to give it a chance to see what he would do and he was good for about a month and half with letting me know what was going on and staying away from the bars. Well once he thought things were good he started to slack a little every week. I just feel this is another string of broken promises he is telling me just to make things better right now (he is good at telling me what I want to hear and promising to change but it will only last from a couple of days to MAYBE a month) but I don’t know what to do. He is expecting me and our son to join him at his next base out of state but I’m not sure that risk is worth taking. 

I’m looking for advice from people who have dealt with a loved one connecting with another person in that way and lying and if things could ever be good again. Because I still think about what he did and through all my pain and hurt I let my guard down and let another man into my life but ended it on the hopes of fixing my relationship with my husband. I did come clean about what happen to him and we are both supposed to be moving on from what happen but can you really forget and just move on when you can’t trust a person anymore?


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## mamifelger30 (Sep 16, 2013)

Hey mama I just saw your comments I wish they would of sent me a notification. Any who I feel you. Military life let alone I never wanted stereo type. Thought he was one of a kind . We have a lot in common. I need someone who can understand me I feel like no one does. So how many times have you forgiven him. ? And how did he react


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sorry that you are going through this. It's hard to say the least.

Your husband is still deployed, right? How do you see his communications with other women when he's not with you right now?

There are a couple of books that I think will help you _"Surviving an Affair"_ and _"His Needs, Her Needs". _Both are by Dr. Harley.

What kind of evidence do you have right now that he is cheating and doing things that are against what he promised? Is it strong enough that he cannot talk his way out of it?


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## mamifelger30 (Sep 16, 2013)

Hi well.. yes he is deployed.. I just know because he's ignoring me Alot. ... Yes I have proof it was online websites he was sending **** pictures ... He was hitting up.ex s on fb. Back and forth messaging. I don't know anymore he will not talk to.Me about it at all. He won't Answer my question so I just backed off and so hurt I'm lost n confused I don't even know this man


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So what are you going to do now? Sounds like getting on with your life is your best choice.


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## mamifelger30 (Sep 16, 2013)

What do you mean to strong to.talk his way.out of it?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mamifelger30 said:


> What do you mean to strong to.talk his way.out of it?


If you some emails that are just sort of friendly, he can deny any involvement and say that he just talks to her as a friend.

If you have a picture of the two of them naked in bed... well he cannot talk his way out of that. 


Of course there are things between those two....

For example I found hundreds of emails and chats. Then I went to his work while he was traveling and said he told me to pick up his mail. Well there were letters from several women who he was meeting when he traveled for work. So then I called all the women, found out their email and chat names. etc. I searched his computer and got their pictures that he had hidden.

Once I had all of that, there was nothing my H could do put admit that he'd been cheating.


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## mamifelger30 (Sep 16, 2013)

Yup .. he seems to make up bogus lies. Won't answer my question even when I have proof won't speak to me straight up. I'm like what are we dating. I been doing the 180 steps for my own sanity but the more I see him for what he is the less I want to speak my mind or write him. I noticed the more I was ignoring he even wrote me and said I was looking at your pictures today... And I never replied. Am I doing it right..


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Keep ignoring him. Are you going to file for divorce?


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## mamifelger30 (Sep 16, 2013)

I.don't know.... Am I stupid for not doing it


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## sapphire1 (Sep 24, 2013)

So sorry to hear you are going through this. My personal experience and humble opinion is:

Once a man lies and/of cheats on you , the relationship is forever changed for the worse. It is more than likely he will lie and cheat again, just maybe smarter the next time. It's like the man no longer has the same respect for you or the marriage.

I feel that a man who has a history of cheating, but has confirmed he has learned/changed/grown up and has never cheated in your current relationship it's a different story.

Your gut is right...99% of the time your gut is telling you what your heart doesn't want to hear. If he's saying one thing, but doing another...his actions speak louder than words.


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## gulfwarvet (Jan 7, 2013)

I tend to be pretty opinionated /straight forward about things and I will put it this way-How much more of your life do you want to waste on this guy? 
There is no future with this guy.
I think you deserve better and no more heart ache.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mamifelger30 said:


> I.don't know.... Am I stupid for not doing it


What do you gain by not filing for divorce? What are you giving up by staying with him?


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