# Something my girlfriend does



## bostonscott (4 mo ago)

So I’m 29 (male) and I just started hanging out/dating someone who is 25 We met at a my favorite coffee shop. Everything seems to be going well, she’s really sweet, we both really like each other, but I have a few concerns/some stuff that bothers me and I figured I’d get some opinions on it.


She mentioned that she and her “best friend” (a girl) send each other nude photos of themselves (With faces). Something about feeling insecure about their body and needing confidence. She said they kiss/have kissed (who knows what else) she said the kissing part pretty confidently and when I said “that’s a little odd I don’t kiss my friends” she said it was only once.(most likely wasn't). The Photos with faces is definitely the bigger issue to me. 

She is being honest and I don’t want to be negative about the fact she’s honest with me so I haven’t said anything. I don't like to be considered controlling and I feel like people should be allowed to be open without being attacked about it. I'm 

Is it something I should or shouldn’t be concerned about? I don’t particularly like the idea of it.
How normal is it for girls to do this?
Any and all opinions from everyone here are appreciated. What can I do/say?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

one swallow does not make a summer , 
she kissed a girl does not make her a bi


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Not normal about the nude pictures. By a long shot

You just started dating.

I'd stop dating her and move on if I were you.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

If you just started hanging out I’d stop hanging out. Anyone who is sending nudes to a same sex friend is probably sending and receiving them with others as well. If not now, in the future. Find yourself someone else. She sounds like trouble.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I don’t have experience with this but there is a famous thinker Katy Perry who released a lecture on this topic called, “I Kissed a Girl”.

The two most important passages for you are:

_I kissed a girl just to try it
I hope my boyfriend don't mind it
It felt so wrong, it felt so right
Don't mean I'm in love tonight_

and then…

_Ain't no big deal, it's innocent_

In this case the author is conflicted by it but realizes it may be an issue for her boyfriend. She explains it away as, innocent. Just because of a kiss doesn’t mean she’s in love or anything.

Now with that said her lecture didn’t include full nudes with faces. Maybe if you add that it’s less innocent.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Y’all just started dating so I wouldn’t give it much concern myself. It would be something I would keep an eye on and the situation with it will become more clear in time. If you come to learn she is deeply involved with this other person then you can break it off. I wouldn’t mention it to her as she could be less forthcoming if you do.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

bostonscott said:


> So I’m 29 (male) and I just started hanging out/dating someone who is 25 We met at a my favorite coffee shop. Everything seems to be going well, she’s really sweet, we both really like each other, but I have a few concerns/some stuff that bothers me and I figured I’d get some opinions on it.
> 
> 
> She mentioned that she and her “best friend” (a girl) send each other nude photos of themselves (With faces). Something about feeling insecure about their body and needing confidence. She said they kiss/have kissed (who knows what else) she said the kissing part pretty confidently and when I said “that’s a little odd I don’t kiss my friends” she said it was only once.(most likely wasn't). The Photos with faces is definitely the bigger issue to me.
> ...


Uh, no, not normal. If it was just a kiss in the past, I'd probably let it go if there wasn't any other red flags. She's probably bisexual and that would be cheating in my book.

You tell her that you are not comfortable with other people seeing her nude, or her having nudes out there. If she refuses to stop, you end the relationship. 

Or you just end it now because you're dating/hanging out, not married or in a LTR.

The paranoid side of me wants to know if you have ever met this "best friend" and if it's possible the contact in her phone is actually a male.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

bostonscott said:


> So I’m 29 (male) and I just started hanging out/dating someone who is 25 We met at a my favorite coffee shop. Everything seems to be going well, she’s really sweet, we both really like each other, but I have a few concerns/some stuff that bothers me and I figured I’d get some opinions on it.
> 
> 
> She mentioned that she and her “best friend” (a girl) send each other nude photos of themselves (With faces). Something about feeling insecure about their body and needing confidence. She said they kiss/have kissed (who knows what else) she said the kissing part pretty confidently and when I said “that’s a little odd I don’t kiss my friends” she said it was only once.(most likely wasn't). The Photos with faces is definitely the bigger issue to me.
> ...


Not normal. One of the two is gay or bi probably. Sending nudes on the internet is all kinds of stupid. She's chaos.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Opportunity knocks my friend.

Don't be so quick to kick your bisexual girlfriend to the curb.

Good time might be heading your way and by that I mean double the fun!


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## bostonscott (4 mo ago)

bobert said:


> Uh, no, not normal. If it was just a kiss in the past, I'd probably let it go if there wasn't any other red flags. She's probably bisexual and that would be cheating in my book.
> 
> You tell her that you are not comfortable with other people seeing her nude, or her having nudes out there. If she refuses to stop, you end the relationship.
> 
> ...


I haven't but it's not a male, definitely a slutty female. ( hope that's not rude) 

That said who knows what she has sent to guys in the past or if it matters?


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## bostonscott (4 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> Y’all just started dating so I wouldn’t give it much concern myself. It would be something I would keep an eye on and the situation with it will become more clear in time. If you come to learn she is deeply involved with this other person then you can break it off. I wouldn’t mention it to her as she could be less forthcoming if you do.


Great post. People say to talk about it, but id rather have her open and honest then shut off because I judge her


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## bostonscott (4 mo ago)

bobert said:


> Uh, no, not normal. If it was just a kiss in the past, I'd probably let it go if there wasn't any other red flags. She's probably bisexual and that would be cheating in my book.
> 
> You tell her that you are not comfortable with other people seeing her nude, or her having nudes out there. If she refuses to stop, you end the relationship.
> 
> ...


I also don't know how you tell people to stop or whatever. People are who they are and don't want to be told what to do? How can one mention it appropriately


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Do we have to come out and say it - ask if she wants to invite the friend for a 3-way. Duh!!


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

bostonscott said:


> That said who knows what she has sent to guys in the past or if it matters?


To an extent, what she has done before you is none of your business. I know there are guys out there who have or had nudes of my wife. Do I like it? No, but what happened before we dated isn't my business - and what happened during our marriage had to be let go as well. 

But... there is the possibility of them coming back to bite her in the ass, especially because she puts her face in them (idiot). If she's sending nudes to a bunch of people for attention, that's a red flag for an unsafe partner.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

bostonscott said:


> I also don't know how you tell people to stop or whatever. People are who they are and don't want to be told what to do? How can one mention it appropriately


That's something that you will need to work on if you want to have a healthy relationship. Everyone should have boundaries and should be able to say them. That doesn't mean the other person has to follow your boundaries, which also means you don't have to stay with them. 

If sending nudes is so important to her, then you aren't a good match (and honestly, I doubt she'd be a safe partner). If your relationship is more important than it won't be a big deal for her to stop.

How did this topic come up/how do you know about the nudes?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Here's the thing: It is NOT judgmental to be uncomfortable or not want to be involved with a bisexual. People often mistake being judgmental with setting boundaries. One of my boundaries is I don't want to be involved with someone who is bisexual. That's not judging, that's simply my own boundary. I have no problem with people pursuing whatever makes them sexually happy.

Asking her to expound on what she's said to you about kissing another girl and sharing nudies is your right. You feel uncomfortable, so tell her. Again, it's all about boundaries and what you feel comfortable with.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

bostonscott said:


> So I’m 29 (male) and I just started hanging out/dating someone who is 25 We met at a my favorite coffee shop. Everything seems to be going well, she’s really sweet, we both really like each other, but I have a few concerns/some stuff that bothers me and I figured I’d get some opinions on it.
> 
> 
> She mentioned that she and her “best friend” (a girl) send each other nude photos of themselves (With faces). Something about feeling insecure about their body and needing confidence. She said they kiss/have kissed (who knows what else) she said the kissing part pretty confidently and when I said “that’s a little odd I don’t kiss my friends” she said it was only once.(most likely wasn't). The Photos with faces is definitely the bigger issue to me.
> ...


While the kiss is definitely strange, the nude pics is over the top.
At a minimum, I would keep my eyes and ears open, mouth shut, and invest the bare minimum possible into the relationship until she could consistently prove that she is capable of good judgement, impulse control, and had a self image that she did not have to recharge by sending nudies to others.
Frankly, unless you have time to kill, I'd just return this one back to the pond.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

She saying the nudes are innocent because you just started dated. Eventually she will tell you she’s bi once she thinks you’re okay with it. People don’t show their true selves until later in relationships. 

I would bolt because no telling what else she’s holding back for later.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

SCDad01 said:


> People don’t show their true selves until later in relationships.


Amen. Preach on brother!


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

What do you know about the other girl and what do you know about your girl in terms of their past relationships.

You are making a big investment of time and emotion it does matter who she really is.

One thing we see here quite often is that ex'es have a way of coming back into your partners life, when they need money or love or emotional support. It's almost like they have the prior claim on your partner.

You would need to cut your partner off from this woman, because they already had a sexual relationship, kissing is sex.

A baseline question you can ask yourself is how is the sex with your partner and especially how is the kissing is she passionate and initiating with you. Does she like women more than men?

As others have said here this does not mean you have to end the relationship immediately, but this might not bode well for your long term prospects with her. You don't want to have 2 kids and find out she is seeing other women with you stuck at home watching them.

Sending nudes by itself is a red flag.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

There is nothing innocent about putting nude pictures of yourself online. And you are neither judgmental nor prudish for not being ok with this. If she were sending nudes and kissing a guy, would you be worried about seeming judgmental? This is no different.

You will never be the only person this woman is having sex with. On the plus side, it’s highly doubtful she would ask fidelity of you.

She is being honest about who she is and what she’s into. If you’re ok with it and see it for what it is, cool. If you’re not, that’s cool too.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Not normal at all. Not by a country mile.

Not once have I ever pashed one of my gf's, nor have any of us sent nudes to each other.

Does that mean there's something wrong with her? Nope. If the two of you are on the same page about it, go forth my friend and dabble. If you're not ok with it - and nothing wrong with that either - then you're best to call it off now.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Sending nudes....just remember, the internet is Forever. They never go away.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Jimi007 said:


> Sending nudes....just remember, the internet is Forever. *They never go away*.


I hope so, since my wife and I have done that for posterity.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Personal said:


> I hope so, since my wife and I have done that for posterity.


Just stating the facts...


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

bostonscott said:


> So I’m 29 (male) and I just started hanging out/dating someone who is 25 We met at a my favorite coffee shop. Everything seems to be going well, she’s really sweet, we both really like each other, but I have a few concerns/some stuff that bothers me and I figured I’d get some opinions on it.
> 
> 
> She mentioned that she and her “best friend” (a girl) send each other nude photos of themselves (With faces). Something about feeling insecure about their body and needing confidence. She said they kiss/have kissed (who knows what else) she said the kissing part pretty confidently and when I said “that’s a little odd I don’t kiss my friends” she said it was only once.(most likely wasn't). The Photos with faces is definitely the bigger issue to me.
> ...


Your girlfriend and her female friend send each other nude photos of themselves (With faces).
Well, it is normal if she is lesbian or bi.
I certainly don`t send my male friends nude photos of myself.
If you`re OK with that, than fine, who knows, maybe they`ll invite to have a threesome with them.
But if not, then you have to decide whether to call time and find a 100% heterosexual girlfriend or be comfortable with having a third party in the relationship.
Up to you whatever turns you off or rocks your boat, good luck.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

bostonscott said:


> *So I’m 29 (male) and I just started hanging out/dating someone who is 25 *We met at a my favorite coffee shop.
> 
> .....She mentioned that she and her “best friend” (a girl) send each other nude photos of themselves (With faces). Something about feeling insecure about their body and needing confidence. She said they kiss/have kissed (who knows what else) she said the kissing part pretty confidently and when I said “that’s a little odd I don’t kiss my friends” she said it was only once.(most likely wasn't). *The Photos with faces is definitely the bigger issue to me.*
> 
> ...


You are 29 and she is 25. You should be quite a bit more mature than she is. You sound like you are handling it well.

Some questions for you. Are things going so well, you think this woman could end up your wife? Probably way to early to know from what you describe. The real down side of the nude photos of her with her face would be if you married her and then either ran for political office or had a "pillar of the community" type of job. Other than that is shouldn't matter anymore than someone who posed for Playboy Magazine.

Seriously is it normal. Probably not. As another suggested talk to her and tell her that it makes you feel uncomfortable. My suggestion is to figure out why she told you about it. Does she know it is not typical behavior and is trying to tell you ahead of time so if the two of you get serious, you knew about it from the beginning? Is she trying to shock you into thinking she is a sex machine behind closed doors to try to get your attention? The why may be more important than the what.

You really can't change someone else, or at least you shouldn't pressure them to change. You can only change yourself and the way others treat you. What happened with past lovers really should stay in the past as long as it doesn't influence the future. Again, how serious are you about her and how serious is she about you. Based on this startling confession on her part to you, she may be very serious about you and either want to arouse your interest or warn you that she has a kinky side.

Figure out what your feelings are and if a nude photo of her would ruin your career plans.

Good luck.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

You know this relationship isn't going to last. So take it in, enjoy it, enjoy both girls, take take it to the limit they'll go to and enjoy. Then at it's natural ending kiss and wish everyone well.

But no reason to not enjoy what it is for now.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I think there is a bit of a generation gap taking place between the 25 year old GF and many of the posters on this thread.

As many of us here are well into our 40s, 50s and beyond, anything having to do with homosexual/bisexuality and even nude photography can illicit a knee-jerk reaction of of shock and horror. 

But we need to keep in mind that every couple of generations what was once bad becomes good and what was good becomes bad. 

30+ years ago ****/bisexuality was one of the darkest and most verboten taboos there was. 

Today amongst teens-early 20s, bisexuality is cool and practically a status symbol and female claiming to be 100% heterosexual is the outlier.

And today one of the most darkest and verboten social taboos amongst the teen-early 20 demographic is to be racist/homophobic/**** judgemental. 

That demographic has also never known a world without social media, phone photography, internet porn and a more liberal and female centric view of sexuality. 

So I would challenge that to that demographic it IS somewhat normal behavior…. Or at least not anything aberrant or taboo. 

Amongst early 20s females, a significant percentage have tasted each other’s cherry chapstick at some point (Katy Perry reference)

I would even challenge the notion of nude pictures out there being a hard barrier to any kind of political or “piller of the community “ employment amongst that age demographic.

By the time they have worked their way the political and corporate ladders, it won’t be such a verboten and taboo topic. 

Today people that use prior nude photos to shame and disparage people are looked at with more scorn and contempt that the people in the photos. 

It’s not illegal to take or exchange nude photos amongst consenting adults, but revenge and slander porn is. 

Cont…


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Cont…

What @bostonscott has not mentioned and no one has bothered to ask is what were the circumstances and tone for which she disclosed this information.

Was this a “confession” where she was painfully disclosing a dark chapter in her life with her voice cracking and her eyes swollen holding back tears of shame??

Was she more less broadcasting it out there as a display of her sexual fluidity, openness and empowerment?

Or did she just mention in passing over a latte and carrot cake at Starbucks when the Katy Perry song came on? 

I think her attitude and tone and circumstances of the disclosure say a lot about her view and mindsets around sexuality. 

Does she see this as some sort of sun for which she feels compelled to confess and atone?

Does she see it as some kind of badge of enlightenment and progressiveness and testimony to her sexual prowess and agency?

Or is it something she and her GF did one Tuesday evening after discussing the latest episode of Grey’s Anatomy and then they each went back to their own business and haven’t given it another thought until it came up for whatever reason with Bostonscott? 

Context is everything here.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> Today amongst teens-early 20s, bisexuality is cool and practically a status symbol and female claiming to be 100% heterosexual is the outlier.


Not yet.









LGBT Identification in U.S. Ticks Up to 7.1%


The percentage of U.S. adults who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender has increased to 7.1%. This is driven by high LGBT self-identification, particularly as bisexual, among Generation Z adults.




news.gallup.com





It is much more common for younger generations than older, but you’re still talking 1:5 or 1:6 for Gen Z. The younger the are it seems the more likely they are to identify as an alphabet person.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I disagree with oldshirt.

Sending full nudes and kissing female friend is not something that all young women of today do. 

It's what that one does. And it bothers OP.

I'd get out now since you only just started dating.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

It’s definitely not something normal. It’s stupid, too. This woman’s career prospects are going to be limited by this unless she’s going into sex work. Those pictures are forever, and she will in all likelihood regret putting them out there.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

If this were a male ''friend,'' would you stop seeing her? If the answer is yes to that, then there's your answer. 

It's not just related to her friend, though. That type of behavior is reckless in general, and shows that she lacks boundaries. You'll probably always have to wonder what she's up to, if you continue with her, and things get serious. 

If this bothers you, it's probably best to end it and find someone you're compatible with who shares your same boundaries.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> I think there is a bit of a generation gap taking place between the 25 year old GF and many of the posters on this thread.
> 
> As many of us here are well into our 40s, 50s and beyond, anything having to do with homosexual/bisexuality and even nude photography can illicit a knee-jerk reaction of of shock and horror.
> 
> ...


I`m one of those older generations you mentioned and I can`t think of anyone who`d want to see me in the nude, unfortunately.
The old song comes to mind, I don`t look good naked any more.
The year was 1962 in the UK and I was a kid back then.
My mum and I were watching a pop show on TV and for the first time, the Beatles made their debut on that show.
I can remember my mother`s face, she was in shock.
Look how long their hair is, she said. How can they allow this on TV?
My mother thought they were obscene.
But even if I`m now an old fart, I still think people sending nude photos to each other is weird, in my opinion, regardless of age, sex or their sexuality.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

ccpowerslave said:


> Not yet.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Those studies are based on people declaring their self-identified orientation.

You’ll get a completely different set of answers if you ask someone if they are a lesbian vs if you ask them if they have ever kissed a girl at some point in their lives. 

I know lots of women that self-identify as heterosexual when asked to declare an orientation and they live conventional heterosexual lives 90% of the time but have titty-rubbed and played kissy games with other women at the club or parties etc. 

Female sexuality is more fluid and more socially accepted to have same-sex contact than males.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> It is much more common for younger generations than older, but you’re still talking 1:5 or 1:6 for Gen Z. The younger the are it seems the more likely they are to identify as an alphabet person.


To be fair, we all experimented in college 😉, we just didn’t plaster our personal beeswax over the internet for the entire world to see. (Thank God) Besides, most of the kids today “identify” as whatever to fit in. They never act on it.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Livvie said:


> I disagree with oldshirt.
> 
> Sending full nudes and kissing female friend is not something that all young women of today do.
> 
> ...


I have a 20 year old daughter that just moved out of the house to go to school a few weeks ago. 

A lot of her girlfriends were in and out of our house at all hours of the day and night and couple of them were practically living with us at various times.

Our house is not that big and they all felt pretty comfortable talking about things openly within earshot of my wife and I, and I can say that I have heard a lot of things that would make a lot of the more,, shall we say - ‘conservative’ posters here collapse in the corner sucking their thumbs whimpering in a fetal position. 

One of her inner-circle friends does self identify as lesbian currently, but I can tell that the day some handsome hunk treats her well and has something to show for himself, she will leave her GF in the dust and take off with the guy.

All the other ones have rubbed boobies and smooched on other chicks to show off for the guys at clubs and parties and such at one time or another even though they would all self-identify as completely heterosexual and have/have had traditional boyfriends. 

This is all about contex. Was the OP’s GF in some kind of quasi sexually oriented relationship with this other gal and have bona fide erotic feelings for each other? 

Or did they kissy kiss to get the boys riled up at a party and periodically send boobie pics to each other to show off their tan lines and ask which picture angle makes them look bustier?

Those are two completely different planes of reality.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

No need for all the mental gymnastics.

Just hit it and quit it.

Moving on …..


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

TexasMom1216 said:


> To be fair, we all experimented in college 😉, we just didn’t plaster our personal beeswax over the internet for the entire world to see. (Thank God) Besides, most of the kids today “identify” as whatever to fit in. They never act on it.


Right.

And today it’s almost the opposite where people show off via social media
and say, “look at me!” probably more than actually experiment.

Teen and early 20 females can take literally multiple dozens If not even a hundred or more of pictures of themselves a day and circulate amongst themselves.

Not many are going to be nudes or naughty bits of course, but if even 1% of the pictures they circulate around are in the flesh, then there’s a number of pics going around out there. 

It’s shocking to us because we didn’t grow up in a snapshot world of our food and how cute our pets looked taking a nap on the floor and definitely not of our bodies (you ain’t gonna catch me taking any pics of this dad bod!!)

But this is what young women do today.

We can argue the morality and argue if they ‘should’ or not. But the reality is they do.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> You know this relationship isn't going to last. So take it in, enjoy it, enjoy both girls, take take it to the limit they'll go to and enjoy. Then at it's natural ending kiss and wish everyone well.
> 
> But no reason to not enjoy what it is for now.


Agree...enjoy your youth. But something tells me the other girl isn't attractive. Just a hunch. Otherwise OP would have already mentioned the possibilities to his GF.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Move on....women don't exchange nude photos of themselves as just friends.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

If were dating a girl who openly admitted that her and a female friend sometimes kiss and send nude photos of each other, then I would probably assume she is promiscuous and a high chance that she has a private instagram profile and a creator on OnlyFans.
I too would have insecurities if dating a girl like that, regardless of my age.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I’m okay with sending nudes if neither of the people involved aren’t in a relationship. I’ve done it before with women. However, you guys are dating and she sending nudes? Next


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

TexasMom1216 said:


> To be fair, we all experimented in college…


I didn’t experiment with the D. The D is not for me!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

gameopoly5 said:


> If were dating a girl who openly admitted that her and a female friend sometimes kiss and send nude photos of each other, then I would probably assume she is promiscuous and a high chance that she has a private instagram profile and a creator on OnlyFans.
> I too would have insecurities if dating a girl like that, regardless of my age.


If I was single, and was just casually dating her...I wouldn't have insecurities, I mean why? Really in any circumstances there's no reasons to have insecurities. 

Things will work out, or not, in every case, and that's ok, expected, life goes on. Next contender come on over is the way to go.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

When I was in HS, 20ish years ago, being bisexual was the cool thing (for girls). They definitely put on a show for attention, and some even dated but I doubt they were actually bisexual or gay. And that was 20 years ago. I'm sure it's "worse" now.

My wife has been kissed by at least two girls (that I know of), and there isn't a vagina-loving bone in her body.

If someone wants to look hard enough they could find several pictures of me and other dudes naked together (junk covered by hands or photo taken from the back). You'd probably even find several of me and other dudes kissing (while playing drinking games, or just someone being an idiot), maybe as recent as a few years ago. I also have a couple guy friends who regularly send "suggestive" or nude pictures to our guys-only chat just to be idiots.

So maybe the nudes are "innocent" but she said she sends them for attention/validation, and that's a risky place to be.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> I didn’t experiment with the D. The D is not for me!


Maybe just me then… 😳😉😂😂😂


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## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

bostonscott said:


> So I’m 29 (male) and I just started hanging out/dating someone who is 25 We met at a my favorite coffee shop. Everything seems to be going well, she’s really sweet, we both really like each other, but I have a few concerns/some stuff that bothers me and I figured I’d get some opinions on it.
> 
> She mentioned that she and her “best friend” (a girl) send each other nude photos of themselves (With faces). Something about feeling insecure about their body and needing confidence. She said they kiss/have kissed (who knows what else) she said the kissing part pretty confidently and when I said “that’s a little odd I don’t kiss my friends” she said it was only once.(most likely wasn't). The Photos with faces is definitely the bigger issue to me.
> 
> ...


I have no idea. I grew up with my old bff and we saw each other naked like when she would shower and i brush my teeth, changed in front of each other, but never kissed, fondled or anything.
But we knew girls who did it, but they were more high drama like (its was like zome cool thing for them). None of them became lesbians for real i guess, as they always dated men (1 is now married).

We had lesbian friends too, but thats definitely different!!!

If i were a man and dated a woman doing that, i would certainly want her to stop, just in case, and i wouldnt see it as controling, its just my boundary and im entitled to my boundaries (but here in Brazil thinhs may be culturally different).


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Trident said:


> No, we didn't "All experiment in college" and most kids today don't "identify as whatever to fit in". This is the third post of yours I've quoted in the past day or so where you make these wild, sweeping and incorrect generalizations about people and couple it with poor advice. Just because it happened to you doesn't mean it happens to everyone else.


Are you a moderator? Since when is it your job to follow me around critiquing my posts? And since when are you the authority on truth and what constitutes "bad advice"? Just because something didn't happen to you doesn't mean it didn't happen. Just put me on ignore if you don't like me. What's the endgame here, outside of harassment? Are you trying to bully me into not posting any more? Score "cool points" with the red-pill gang? Mind your own business, no one rattled your cage.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Trident said:


> No, we didn't "All experiment in college" and most kids today don't "identify as whatever to fit in". This is the third post of yours I've quoted in the past day or so where you make these wild, sweeping and incorrect generalizations about people and couple it with poor advice. Just because it happened to you doesn't mean it happens to everyone else.


We didn't?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Trident said:


> I didn't. And if I'm the only person on the planet that didn't it's still enough to effectively debunk the assertions by @TexasMom1216 that "everybody does it".





TexasMom1216 said:


> To be fair, we all experimented in college 😉


At the end of that "assertion" is what we in the internet world call a "winky face." It's indicative of something said as a joke or tongue in cheek. It was also a response to another poster, which you took out of context for your own purposes.

Which is enough to debunk your assertion that I said unequivocally as fact that "everybody does it" and reveals your posts for what they are: personal attacks and harassment of a poster you have a personal issue with, intended to bully me into silence. It was my understanding that "trolling and threatening other members" was against the rules.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

TexasMom1216 said:


> At the end of that "assertion" is what we in the internet world call a "winky face." It's indicative of something said as a joke or tongue in cheek.


You also made the questionable statement to the effect of "most kids today identify as whatever just to fit in". Don't see an emoticon after that one nor did I see one after your questionable statements in other threads that all cheaters do it over and over again with different people..


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Trident said:


> You also made the questionable statement o the effect of "most kids today identify as whatever just to fit in". Don't see an emoticon after that one nor did I see one after your questionable statements in other threads that all cheaters do it over and over again with different people..


Did you see the other posters who said the same thing? On this and the other thread? Have you policed ALL the possible generalizations on all threads or are you saving this scrutiny specifically for me? And why does that offend you so? While we're at it, I never said "with different people," so you're making things up.

If you have a personal issue with me, start a thread and attack away. Threadjacking other people's threads to attack me is rude. And against the rules.

I'm out, you're breaking rules and trying to get me banned, so I'm done here. Start a "We hate TexasMom" thread.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Trident said:


> I didn't. And if I'm the only person on the planet that didn't it's still enough to effectively debunk the assertions by @TexasMom1216 that "everybody does it".


I don't see why you feel it necessary to debunk harmless banter on a social forum but whatever.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

TexasMom1216 said:


> you're breaking rules and trying to get me banned


And that's TWO more incorrect statements.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> If I was single, and was just casually dating her...I wouldn't have insecurities, I mean why? Really in any circumstances there's no reasons to have insecurities.
> 
> Things will work out, or not, in every case, and that's ok, expected, life goes on. Next contender come on over is the way to go.


I think people forget there was an older generation still for whom this kind of thing wasn't shocking as far as the bisexuality goes but who never would have circulated nude photos. 

My 1970s music crowd was liberally peppered with both gay and bi. I certainly dated more than one bi guy. But if I had found out he had been sending nude photos to anybody even before the internet I would have just thought that was stupid and creepy. 

I think most people on here agree that the bigger issue is the nude photos and not whatever her sexual leanings are especially at an age when they may still be developing.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I don’t find it particularly strange. Young people experiment. They did in the past and they do now. It’s up to the OP to decide if this kind of less “orthodox” relationship is for him or not.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

ccpowerslave said:


> I didn’t experiment with the D. The D is not for me!


It’s not the same for dudes. Males simply do not have the same sexual fluidity and flexibility as women. 

The vast vast majority of guys do not find other guys the least bit appealing or attractive where as even if a woman considers herself heterosexual, she probably still finds many other women visually appealing and touchable. 

Men simply aren’t pretty or appealing to the eye. 

And socially, it is pretty acceptable for women to be emotionally close and physically affectionate with other women where as it not for men.

Women have a million times greater leeway sexually within the same gender than men. 

Even today where homosexuality is more accepted than days gone by, If the genders were reversed in this scenario and some gal found out her BF had kissed another dude and was swapping naked pictures, she would not be writing to some relationship forum asking what to think and what to do. 

She would probably just instantly dump his azz for being gay and not give it another moments thought and no one would question her for doing so and no one would be taking about 3-ways or telling her to just have fun with it or hit it and quit it etc. it would just be assumed she would terminate the relationship without further thought or discussion.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

If it turns out bad in the end you could always change the “something” to “someone” in the thread title.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

It's definitely not normal, at least not in my circle, or of anyone that I know. I don't have the greatest body image, and have never sent nudes to any of my girlfriends. Speaking of which, I've never sent nudes to anyone, not even my BF. Nor is it normal to kiss one's friends. Lots of red flags here; I'd move on it I were you.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Ursula said:


> It's definitely not normal, at least not in my circle, or of anyone that I know. I don't have the greatest body image, and have never sent nudes to any of my girlfriends. Speaking of which, I've never sent nudes to anyone, not even my BF. Nor is it normal to kiss one's friends. Lots of red flags here; I'd move on it I were you.


Never say never. 😉


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Never say never. 😉


True, but in this case, I can confidently say that I've never sent nudes.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

It would be really nice to see any comments by the discussion starter.

Assuming the comments by the OP were sincere and truthful, I think that the OP should site his young girlfriend down and congratulate her on her bravery in telling him and thank her for being so open and transparent about her past. For me the most important question he can find the answer to is not her sexual orientation or attitude toward sending nudes, but why she felt it was important to tell him these things. 

I would still wager that she really likes him and feels he should know about these things sooner rather than later or that she wants to arouse him into thinking of her as a kinky sex machine he wants. 

Since it bothers him; thanking her for her courage and transparency and then asking her why she told him, so he can better understand the status of their relationship is a better approach. The OP didn't say he was turned off, or it was a deal killer; he sounded like he cared about her, but wasn't sure if these should be huge red flags or not. If these aren't deal killers for him, that is his choice and I urge him to explore what it means to date a woman who is likely much less mature than he is.

I do agree that there is a huge generational difference on typical sexual practices today from people 40 to 60 years older.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

I sense, possibly wrongly, that he may have come out of a relationship where he was cheated on.

So his GFs casual attitude about cheating is setting off alarms, particularly this early in the relationship when her focus should be on him.

However as others have pointed out there is a whole lot of background and current conditions data missing.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

It's also a bit like gaslighting or manipulation that she is passing this off as OK.

Perhaps she just wants him to pay the half of the rent her dead beat GF never comes up with every month, and they can live as a threesome.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

bostonscott said:


> So I’m 29 (male) and I just started hanging out/dating someone who is 25 We met at a my favorite coffee shop. Everything seems to be going well, she’s really sweet, we both really like each other, but I have a few concerns/some stuff that bothers me and I figured I’d get some opinions on it.
> 
> 
> She mentioned that she and her “best friend” (a girl) send each other nude photos of themselves (With faces). Something about feeling insecure about their body and needing confidence. She said they kiss/have kissed (who knows what else) she said the kissing part pretty confidently and when I said “that’s a little odd I don’t kiss my friends” she said it was only once.(most likely wasn't). The Photos with faces is definitely the bigger issue to me.
> ...


I don't have a problem with her experimenting, but the fact that it's her best friend, and they hang out all the time I assume? I can see why insecurity might creep in. Those boundaries could be crossed at any time, without you knowing. I see it as a little bit of a red flag, as far as she may not respect boundaries? I could be wrong, but I would not be comfortable with them hanging out.


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## kad216 (8 mo ago)

I am a 25 year old woman and I would never send my female friends nudes of myself for “confidence” or whatever other reason. I would find it weird if one of my friends even suggested it. No offense to them but I don’t really want to see my friends naked.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Well, apparently it is a thing that some women do, even a WhatsApp group exists for it. 









Why my female friends send each other nudes - BBC Three


Check out this content on BBC Three.




www.bbc.co.uk


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

It's not a thing all women do. OP can surely find one who doesn't exchange full nudes and kisses with her friends. Really.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Young at Heart said:


> It would be really nice to see any comments by the discussion starter.
> 
> Assuming the comments by the OP were sincere and truthful, I think that the OP should site his young girlfriend down and congratulate her on her bravery in telling him and thank her for being so open and transparent about her past. For me the most important question he can find the answer to is not her sexual orientation or attitude toward sending nudes, but why she felt it was important to tell him these things.
> 
> ...


Yeah, unfortunately this appears to be a driveby and will leave a lot of important questions unanswered. 

I agree and stated earlier that I think the context in which she disclosed this information is very important. Was she remorseful and confessing? Was she boasting? Was she completely nonchalant and just mentioning it in passing like it is no big deal? 

It's possible she may have even been positioning or testing the waters towards some kind of 3way or something. 

Without more details or context or background, there just isn't any real way of knowing.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

TAMAT said:


> I sense, possibly wrongly, that he may have come out of a relationship where he was cheated on.
> 
> So his GFs casual attitude about cheating is setting off alarms, particularly this early in the relationship when her focus should be on him.
> 
> However as others have pointed out there is a whole lot of background and current conditions data missing.


One of the background things missing is nowhere in the OP did he say anything about cheating or that she is cheating or has cheated or that this is cheating related at all. He never even used the word cheating in his post. 

So I'm not sure it's fair to say that she has a casual attitude about cheating at this point.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Ursula said:


> It's definitely not normal, at least not in my circle, or of anyone that I know. I don't have the greatest body image, and have never sent nudes to any of my girlfriends. S.





kad216 said:


> I am a 25 year old woman and I would never send my female friends nudes of myself for “confidence” or whatever other reason. I would find it weird if one of my friends even suggested it. No offense to them but I don’t really want to see my friends naked.


A lot of this depends on who we consider friends and who we consider "friends." 

This is obviously some kind of special 'friend' that may fall outside on what one would consider a typical platonic friend. 

There's obviously at one additional layer of connection here that goes a bit beyond a typical garden variety friendship that what would typically occur with an schoolmate or coworker or neighbor or whatever. 

What's at issue is whether the OP is ok with it or not. Since he does seem a bit uneasy about it, it's something that would require a bit more discernment on his part. 

In general I think he has an issue with being "Judgemental" vs simply having comfort zones and boundaries. 

Is he required to keep seeing this chick? All of us are free to walk away at any time for any or even no reason. 

But it's up to him as to whether he is ok with pursuing a relationship with some gal that has a 'friend' that is not really just a friend or not.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

bostonscott said:


> So I’m 29 (male) and I just started hanging out/dating someone who is 25 We met at a my favorite coffee shop. Everything seems to be going well, she’s really sweet, we both really like each other, but I have a few concerns/some stuff that bothers me and I figured I’d get some opinions on it.
> 
> 
> She mentioned that she and her “best friend” (a girl) send each other nude photos of themselves (With faces). Something about feeling insecure about their body and needing confidence. She said they kiss/have kissed (who knows what else) she said the kissing part pretty confidently and when I said “that’s a little odd I don’t kiss my friends” she said it was only once.(most likely wasn't). The Photos with faces is definitely the bigger issue to me.
> ...


No its not normal unless they have something going on. 
If a guy I was dating was acting this way with another man I would know that he wasn't the guy for me.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

bostonscott said:


> I also don't know how you tell people to stop or whatever. People are who they are and don't want to be told what to do? How can one mention it appropriately


Just say that for you its an issue and see what she says. If she refuses to stop then you have a decision to make.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> I have a 20 year old daughter that just moved out of the house to go to school a few weeks ago.
> 
> A lot of her girlfriends were in and out of our house at all hours of the day and night and couple of them were practically living with us at various times.
> 
> ...


Sime of the more 'conservative' posters here may well have seen and heard and experienced far more messed up stuff than you have by merely hearing a few teens talk. Doesn't stop us having certain boundaries as to what is acceptable and what isn't. Sadly moral values have plummeted, but good values can still be held. 

Any person dating someone who is sending and receiving nude photos with another person of either sex would do well to run. Especially if they are hoping to find a faithful person with strong values to maybe marry or be in a long term relationship with.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Sime of the more 'conservative' posters here may well have seen and heard and experienced far more messed up stuff than you have by merely hearing a few teens talk. Doesn't stop us having certain boundaries as to what is acceptable and what isn't. Sadly moral values have plummeted, but good values can still be held.
> 
> Any person dating someone who is sending and receiving nude photos with another person of either sex would do well to run. Especially if they are hoping to find a faithful person with strong values to maybe marry or be in a long term relationship with.


During the course of a lifetime yes. I'm 58 and I have seen and heard and experienced a lot of what you are probably calling messed up stuff. 

But let's face it, the young and the bold are gonna do what they're gonna do regardless of the warnings and condemnations of the older generations. You were told by your elders not to ride in cars with boys but yet you still did. I was told to not take girls out into the country on the back of my motorcycle and get them all wet and tingly in their nether regions but yet I still did. 

The kids today have actual lecture time in schools devoted to tell them not to send pictures of their naughty bits but yet they still do. 

Let's not forget this classic assessment of the youth of today -

"the children now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for authority; They show disrespect for elders and love chatter in the place of exercise. Children not are tyrants and not the servants of the household. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents , chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their legs and tyrannize their teachers."

-- Soccrates

As I said earlier, we can debate whether what she is doing is right or moral or just. And we can debate the merits of him continuing a relationship with her. 

But what I am saying is this and things of this genre are what a lot of young chicks do today. 

In 1976 you wore short shorts and a halter top under your knee-length dress when you left the house. You smoked cigarettes and passed a bottle of slo gin amongst your friends and you rode in cars with boys and tongue kissed. 

That was your rebellion and youthful behaviors that shocked and disturbed and earned the consternation of your grandparents generation. 

Kids today do not smoke and find that disgusting. I don't know if they even make Slo Gin anymore and for the most part kids do not hide their clothing when they leave the house and girls have their own cars (at least in the US). 

Today they pass hundreds of pictures amongst each other in various stages of dress and pose, and they are more liberal and fluid in who they have traditionally intimate contact with. 

So while in theory, I agree with you that their behaviors can lead to issues and unintended events, I also recognize that this is how it is and this is what they do today. 

40 years from now, this young lady kissing girls and sending boobie pics to her friend will be aghast and horrified at what 20something year old women are doing in 2062.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> Kids today do not smoke and find that disgusting. I don't know if they even make Slo Gin anymore and for the most part kids do not hide their clothing when they leave the house and girls have their own cars (at least in the US).
> 
> Today they pass hundreds of pictures amongst each other in various stages of dress and pose, and they are more liberal and fluid in who they have traditionally intimate contact with.


I want to expand on this a further in reference to generational differences. 

Each generation has variations and different emphases on various mores and ethics. 

40 years ago, my generation did not swap nudie pics of ourselves and girls did not kiss girls and boys certainly did not kiss boys. 

However my generation smoked like steam engines and drank like fish. We also had statistically higher rates of teen pregnancy and gonorrhea. We were also statistically more violent, more racist, more homophobic and less tolerant. 

Kids today do not smoke like kids of yesteryear. Not only do they not smoke, but as a population they find it distasteful, socially rude and irresponsible to one's health. We thought it was cool. They think it's gross and irresponsible. 

Now kids will drink and party today but not like 40 years ago and going back to pre-prohibition and post-war years, actual alcoholism was rampant and far far worse than today. 

Each generation has it's vices and older generations tend to point fingers what it considers to be vices of the younger generations. 

Now, I guarantee you that more people have died and more lives ruined by tobacco and alcohol than boobie pictures and girls kissing girls ever will. 

I agree with @Diana7 sentiment that we older generations do need to try to call upon our experience of what we see as hazards and pitfalls to the upcoming generations. It's what parents and grandparents and community elders should do. 

But what we can't do is point the finger of judgment at them and pretend to be holier than thou or that we were somehow more virtuous and superior to them. ...... because we weren't. ...... in many metrics we were much worse. When fingers are pointed, ears and minds close. 

It's not up to me or you or any of us to determine if this gal sending boobie pictures and smooching on this other gal is right or wrong. Is it safe? Is it legal? is it consensual adults? Is it hurting any people, puppies or kittens? Is it trampling the grass? Those are kind of the questions we need to be asking. 

It's up to the OP if he wants to keep dating a chick that does that or not. It's entirely his call based on his own mores, values, beliefs, boundaries etc.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

I would hope that we as a society don’t get to the point where we regard sharing naked pictures of yourself as anything but a sign of poor judgement. I would hope we could retain some standards of dignity.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I would hope that we as a society don’t get to the point where we regard sharing naked pictures of yourself as anything but a sign of poor judgement. I would hope we could retain some standards of dignity.


How we dress and display our bodies ebbs and flows and waxes and wanes with the social and political climates of the times. 

Societies cycle through periods of openess and personal expression, and periods of rigid conservatism. The pendulum swings back and forth. A period of permissiveness and liberalism often follows a period of conservatism and vice versa. 

20, 50, 100 years from now, exhibiting any kind of image of your body to anyone may be an unspeakable taboo. 

40 years ago the thought of someone kissing a member of the same sex was one of the biggest taboos of them all. Evangelists openly blamed homosexuality for earthquakes, floods, forest fires, hurricanes, plague and any other assorted disasters all to the cheers and applause of their congregations. Hate crimes against gays were swept under the rug the gays were told if they were to stay in the closet, then no one would beat them. 

Today it's hard to find anything on Netflix that doesn't have at least one same sex couple and it's becoming quite common on prime time network TV as well. Today it is a bigger no no in society to criticise or judge homosexuality than it is to engage in it. 

And so too will the tides of morality ebb and flow going forward. What is standard today shall be judged by our grandchildren and what we condemn today they shall embrace.


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## bostonscott (4 mo ago)

bobert said:


> That's something that you will need to work on if you want to have a healthy relationship. Everyone should have boundaries and should be able to say them. That doesn't mean the other person has to follow your boundaries, which also means you don't have to stay with them.
> 
> If sending nudes is so important to her, then you aren't a good match (and honestly, I doubt she'd be a safe partner). If your relationship is more important than it won't be a big deal for her to stop.
> 
> How did this topic come up/how do you know about the nudes?


We were driving by her friends house, she just mentioned they send each other pictures because she is insecure about her body.


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## bostonscott (4 mo ago)

Young at Heart said:


> You are 29 and she is 25. You should be quite a bit more mature than she is. You sound like you are handling it well.
> 
> Some questions for you. Are things going so well, you think this woman could end up your wife? Probably way to early to know from what you describe. The real down side of the nude photos of her with her face would be if you married her and then either ran for political office or had a "pillar of the community" type of job. Other than that is shouldn't matter anymore than someone who posed for Playboy Magazine.
> 
> ...


Great post. I will DM you


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## bostonscott (4 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> I have a 20 year old daughter that just moved out of the house to go to school a few weeks ago.
> 
> A lot of her girlfriends were in and out of our house at all hours of the day and night and couple of them were practically living with us at various times.
> 
> ...


Great post. I'll DM ya


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## bostonscott (4 mo ago)

Young at Heart said:


> It would be really nice to see any comments by the discussion starter.
> 
> Assuming the comments by the OP were sincere and truthful, I think that the OP should site his young girlfriend down and congratulate her on her bravery in telling him and thank her for being so open and transparent about her past. For me the most important question he can find the answer to is not her sexual orientation or attitude toward sending nudes, but why she felt it was important to tell him these things.
> 
> ...


Great post. I love the honesty and don't really know how to bring my feelings up to her without her shutting off her honesty. That is my main question

I know if its not for me as I find out more I can definitely move on, but I also know she's very into me as I played quite hard to get (somewhat not intentionally)


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## bostonscott (4 mo ago)

TAMAT said:


> I sense, possibly wrongly, that he may have come out of a relationship where he was cheated on.
> 
> So his GFs casual attitude about cheating is setting off alarms, particularly this early in the relationship when her focus should be on him.
> 
> However as others have pointed out there is a whole lot of background and current conditions data missing.


Have not been cheated on and also not too worried about that


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## bostonscott (4 mo ago)

GC1234 said:


> I don't have a problem with her experimenting, but the fact that it's her best friend, and they hang out all the time I assume? I can see why insecurity might creep in. Those boundaries could be crossed at any time, without you knowing. I see it as a little bit of a red flag, as far as she may not respect boundaries? I could be wrong, but I would not be comfortable with them hanging out.


This is definitely where I'm at 

But I also don't want to be a **** about it, who I am to come in here and tell her she cant see a friend.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

bostonscott said:


> This is definitely where I'm at
> 
> But I also don't want to be a **** about it, who I am to come in here and tell her she cant see a friend.


No I definitely hear you. But, it's so early in the dating stage, do you really want to be a part of it? If not, then it's time to move on to someone new.


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## bostonscott (4 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> Yeah, unfortunately this appears to be a driveby and will leave a lot of important questions unanswered.
> 
> I agree and stated earlier that I think the context in which she disclosed this information is very important. Was she remorseful and confessing? Was she boasting? Was she completely nonchalant and just mentioning it in passing like it is no big deal?
> 
> ...


I'm here, won't be absent again. Business has been busy, but it's winding down.

I don't see the three way take, she was nonchalant and passing it off like it was no big deal, but also a little embarrassed about it.


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## bostonscott (4 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Just say that for you its an issue and see what she says. If she refuses to stop then you have a decision to make.


That is a hard thing because people will just hide it. IMO anyways.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

bostonscott said:


> I don't see the three way take, she was nonchalant and passing it off like it was no big deal, but also a little embarrassed about it.


OK that helps and I am glad you came back. 

If she was nonchalant and just mentioning it in passing as you were driving by her house, then it's probably not something you should get too wrapped around the axle about either. 

Her embarrassment may be because looking back, she may see it as a dumb and silly thing now. 

Or she may have sensed your concern and felt embarrassed about it. 

Either way, you are entitled to your own feelings about it. If this is something that happened in the past and is no longer an occurring thing, then it's up to you if it's something you can live with or not. 

If she and this friend are still involved in some kind of quasi romantic and sexual level, then you have the right live your life according to your own values and mores and if you don't want to date a chick that has nudie photo sessions and makes out with other people whether they be male or female, that is your perogative and your choice. No one says you have to be with someone who does that. 

I think the root of your concern here is that of personal values and boundaries vs that of being judgemental and controlling. 

Values and boundaries is living your own life according to your own moral compass and self interests. 

Being judgemental and controling is pointing the finger and telling someone else what they are doing is wrong and that they need to live according to your moral compass and your interests. 

So in other words, you don't have the right to tell her what she is doing is wrong and that she can't or shouldn't do that. 

But you are within your right to not date and not become involved with someone who takes nudie pictures and makes out with other people. 

You are also in right to state your values on nude photography and sexual contact with other women or men. 

At that point she is informed of your values and boundaries and either comply within your boundaries or she can tell you to go pound sand and then she and her GF can go post lesbian sex pictures on their Only Fans to their heart's content.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

bostonscott said:


> That is a hard thing because people will just hide it. IMO anyways.


Well and do you want her to feel like she can’t be herself around you? You want someone you can relax with, knowing that they feel the same. Could just be a mismatch. And that’s ok. It’s also ok if you do a little experimenting. 😉


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

bostonscott said:


> This is definitely where I'm at
> 
> But I also don't want to be a **** about it, who I am to come in here and tell her she cant see a friend.


See my post above. 

You can't tell her she can't see her friend. She is a free adult in a free country and can see whoever she wants. 

But you can tell her under what conditions and boundaries YOU will see HER. 

From there it's up to her on whether she wants to meet your conditions and boundaries or not.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

bostonscott said:


> That is a hard thing because people will just hide it. IMO anyways.


OK but so what? 

If she tells you she will comply with your boundaries and then she sneaks off and does it on the downlow, then you have a cheater on your hands and you have your answer on her character. 

Her morality and character are not dependent on you compromising your boundaries.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

bostonscott said:


> That is a hard thing because people will just hide it. IMO anyways.


I also want to add that living according to your own values, mores and boundaries should not be "hard." 

What is by far the hardest life to live is that of compromising your own values and boundaries. 

Now there will be people that do not want to live according to your values and boundaries and they will walk away from you. 

But, if you are compromising your own boundaries and letting people walk all over you, then you will be in for a lot of suffering and you are guaranteed to be surrounded by people that are wrong for you. 

The courageous only die one death. The coward dies a thousand deaths with each compromise of his values.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

bostonscott said:


> Great post. I love the honesty and don't really know how to bring my feelings up to her without her shutting off her honesty. That is my main question


OK so what you are asking here is whether you should be dishonest about your feelings so that she is honest about her actions. 

Does that seem congruent to you? Should her honesty be dependent on your dishonesty?? If her honesty can only be obtained through your dishonesty, then is any of this actually honest?? 

Let me put it another way, honest people are honest whether other people like or approve or what they have done or not. dishonest people are dishonest whether other people like or approve of what they have done or not. 

So in other words, if she is an honest person, she will be an honest person even if she knows you don't jive with her actions with her friends. 

But if she is a dishonest person, she will still be dishonest whether you approve of it or not. 

Either way you gain nothing by being untrue to your own values.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

A way to approach this with the GF is "Hey, you said you send nudes to your GF -- do you know that people at the phone companies, hackers,and others, can access those (yeah they aren't supposed to but....)


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## PhilWynn (8 mo ago)

My wife kissed her "girlfriends" a lot of times, even when we were dating. I can't see a problem.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

bostonscott said:


> Great post. I love the honesty and don't really *know how to bring my feelings up to her without her shutting off her honesty. That is my main question*
> 
> I know if its not for me as I find out more I can definitely move on, *but I also know she's very into me *as I played quite hard to get (somewhat not intentionally)


You need to examine your feelings for her. She has possibly shared deep feelings for you.

If you think you might really care about her, then tell her that you really liked her honesty and bravery in telling you about her pictures and her friend. Tell her that open and honest communication leads to strong relationships and you find those qualities in her very special and so different from other women you have dated. Tell her that so many people hide things. (That should not turn off her honesty.) Tell her that you wanted to make sure you told her how special you found that bravery, because it took you a while to be brave enough to admit it. 

Tell her that you were having a hard time addressing your feelings, but her inspiration made you open up. Thank her and tell her that you could learn a lot from her. (Again, that should not turn off her honesty, unless she just wants a fling and feels you are too serious.)

Assuming those are all true statements and that she really is into you, the two of you should be able to explore your relationship at a pace you are each comfortable with. I would wager her pace will be faster than yours.

One of the things to be careful about is moving emotionally too quickly. I am going to assume you have known each other for at least a month and had more than 2 "real" romantic dates and that there is sexual chemistry between you. I am also assuming that you want her feelings for you to grow. Be confident and enjoy doing fun things together that allow you to spend time talking about what each of your dreams for the future entail. Causing a woman you like to think about what she wants in the future and contemplating a future with you is a way that you two can bond and visualize a relationship.

If you are feeling brave and emotionally close and she is being open & honest, tell her that you want to take her on a romantic date. Tell her you want to know two or three of the most memorable dates she has been on, so you have some idea where the two of you could go and what you can do. (Your goal is that in the future....no matter what happens.....when she remembers the best dates of her life, you will be one of them.)

Good luck.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

If she is doing it because she is insecure about her body, you should be happy she is finding support through a friend. Sure, it's not the most orthodox way of dealing with it, but if it helps her, so what?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> If she is doing it because she is insecure about her body, you should be happy she is finding support through a friend. Sure, it's not the most orthodox way of dealing with it, but if it helps her, so what?


She also has kissed this person. 

So what?... so maybe OP wants to date a woman who doesn't kiss her friends or deal with insecurities by exchanging full nudes with others. 

If that's her tendency imagine how she might handle insecurities down the line. 

OP can definitely find a different girlfriend who does not kiss in a sexual way her close girlfriends or exchange full nudes because "insecurities".


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Livvie said:


> She also has kissed this person.
> 
> So what?... so maybe OP wants to date a woman who doesn't kiss her friends or deal with insecurities by exchanging full nudes with others.
> 
> ...


The OP said he hasn't been cheated on and he is not worried about that. Of course he can find himself another girlfriend. But maybe he loves this one.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

In Absentia said:


> The OP said he hasn't been cheated on and he is not worried about that. Of course he can find himself another girlfriend. But maybe he loves this one.


I wouldn't see a down side to dating her. They're only dating at this point. I've said this before, and it applies every dang time....sometimes dating will turn out to be more, sometimes just fades away but either direction is a normal progression. Life goes on. Expect either and one will always be ok. Every circumstance isn't a tragedy.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> The OP said he hasn't been cheated on and he is not worried about that. Of course he can find himself another girlfriend. But maybe he loves this one.


He just started hanging out with her, and said he's bothered by it. 

Just an observation: if men paid more attention to red flags and terminated early dating situations in which there were red flags, they wouldn't later end up knee deep in bad situations down the line.


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## AttaBoy (Sep 30, 2018)

bostonscott said:


> ...she and her “best friend” (a girl) send each other nude photos of themselves (With faces). Something about feeling insecure about their body and needing confidence.


It's the EXACT same thing as if she was exchanging these with a guy. It really is. It's normalized behavior for her. Like, "no big deal". Why degrade herself for compliments, Why have a wayward mindset already at here age?

I wouldn't consider her for a LTR if I were you. Either have as good a time possible while you can without commitment , or if you have higher standards for yourself, end it now. There's simply no valid reason to send non intimate people intimate pictures.

When/If you break it off maybe tell her how pathetic it is to be so insecure and in need of validation as to need 🔥 emojis and "dam girl!" complements on her latest sneak peak. 

I have daughters and have unfortunately dealt with how the dark side of this sharing works. No matter how good a friend the person she shared the pics with is, there is a significant chance those pics could become "trading cards", further degrading her.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Livvie said:


> He just started hanging out with her, and said he's bothered by it.
> 
> Just an observation: if men paid more attention to red flags and terminated early dating situations in which there were red flags, they wouldn't later end up knee deep in bad situations down the line.


In post #85 he says he hasn't been cheated on (this is a general comment) and that he is not worried about it, meaning he is not worried that his girlfriend is going to cheat on him. Am I reading it wrong? I can see that the situation is not terribly straightforward, but if he is not worried that his girlfriend is going to cheat on him and he accepts that she is trying to overcome her insecurities with the nude pics, maybe he can get to a place in his head where he can be ok?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Livvie said:


> Just an observation: if men paid more attention to red flags and terminated early dating situations in which there were red flags, they wouldn't later end up knee deep in bad situations down the line.


Very true for BOTH men and women.

People either rise or lower themselves to meet expectations. 

If everyone were to heed red flags and and were more willing to say thanks but no thanks, that would probably motivate people to be better.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Livvie said:


> He just started hanging out with her, and said he's bothered by it.
> 
> Just an observation: if men paid more attention to red flags and terminated early dating situations in which there were red flags, they wouldn't later end up knee deep in bad situations down the line.


It must be just me but OP is too worried about this whole thing at this point in their dating.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> In post #85 he says he hasn't been cheated on (this is a general comment) and that he is not worried about it, meaning he is not worried that his girlfriend is going to cheat on him. Am I reading it wrong? I can see that the situation is not terribly straightforward, but if he is not worried that his girlfriend is going to cheat on him and he accepts that she is trying to overcome her insecurities with the nude pics, maybe he can get to a place in his head where he can be ok?


So what if he hasn't been cheated on? That had nothing to do with if he's comfortable, as a 29 year old man, continuing to have a relationship with someone who sends full nudes to a friend she has kissed. 

Why does he need to get into a place in his head to accept this behavior?

They just started dating. It's easy to terminate this relationship, and find someone _who doesn't have insecurities she deals with by exchanging full nudes with someone she has been sexual with_. 

At his age, 29, no way would I have continued dating a dude who kissed his friend and then was exchanging full nudes with him, whether I thought he would cheat on me or not. 

Have higher standards if you (general you) want a high quality relationship.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> It must be just me but OP is too worried about this whole thing at this point in their dating.


At what point should he think about it? When he's in deep in a relationship with her and it's harder to terminate it?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Livvie said:


> So what if he hasn't been cheated on? That had nothing to do with if he's comfortable, as a 29 year old man, continuing to have a relationship with someone who sends full nudes to a friend she has kissed.
> 
> Why does he need to get into a place in his head to accept this behavior?
> 
> ...


He is come here for advice. I'm trying to give him a different perspective. It might help him to make his mind up. Personally, despite the "red flags", if I really liked the girl and felt very compatible, I would at least have a go at the relationship.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> He is come here for advice. I'm trying to give him a different perspective. It might help him to make his mind up. Personally, despite the "red flags", if I really liked the girl and felt very compatible, I would at least have a go at the relationship.


I guess some people heed red flags more than others.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> If she is doing it because she is insecure about her body, you should be happy she is finding support through a friend. Sure, it's not the most orthodox way of dealing with it, but if it helps her, so what?



This whole insecurity thing is likely just a girl excuse and cover story.

A more plausible explanation is they dig it and get off on it more than it being some complex coping mechanism for body image issues.

The simpler explanation is almost always the most accurate and pervyness is almost always the simplest.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Livvie said:


> I guess some people heed red flags more than others.


If someone is in the market for a spouse and father/mother of their children and someone to bring into their family and own property and joint finances together etc etc, they yes they NEED to look for red flags and heed them and not be afraid to walk away and keep looking. 

But if someone is not looking for a spouse, coparent, life partner etc at this time, then the primary red flags they need to be looking for are open lesions, genital discharge and/or zip ties, duct tape, bleach and a shovel in the trunk of their car. 

This gal has not broken any laws or harmed any puppies. She had some kind of quasi erotic experience with some other chick at some point. 

It’s on him whether he sees this as any kind of disqualifier or not. It’s his perogative on whether he wants to continue a relationship with her or not.

This is why we date. We date as a means to get to know someone and find out if they are a good match for us or not.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> It must be just me but OP is too worried about this whole thing at this point in their dating.





Livvie said:


> At what point should he think about it? When he's in deep in a relationship with her and it's harder to terminate it?


It’s up to the OP and his goals and requirements and his selection criteria.

For some people, anything deviating from the straight-and-narrow is an instant deal breaker. 

If I were in the OP’s shoes, I’d say to invite the friend over for drinks, then everyone get naked and kiss and see what comes up. 

So point here is this is why we date. We date as a selection and interview process to get to know someone to see if they are a right fit for us or not. 

If someone is looking for a sweet and pure virgin that has never engaged in any kind of prior sexual exploration or anything the Vatican would frown upon to bring home to mom and be the mother of their children - then their selection criteria and standards are going to be different than someone like me who has no interest in raising kids again but would always be up for a FMF 3way. 

The guy looking for a virgin bride to plant babies in may send this gal packing because she’s not what he’s looking for.

A guy like me would send the virgin looking for a white picket fence, someone to support her and plant babies in her packing and I would tell this gal to call her friend and pick up a couple bottles of wine and a bottle of massage oil and come on over to my place 😉 💕


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> This whole insecurity thing is likely just a girl excuse and cover story.
> 
> A more plausible explanation is they dig it and get off on it more than it being some complex coping mechanism for body image issues.
> 
> The simpler explanation is almost always the most accurate and pervyness is almost always the simplest.


You have a very dirty mind...


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> It’s up to the OP and his goals and requirements and his selection criteria.
> 
> For some people, anything deviating from the straight-and-narrow is an instant deal breaker.
> 
> ...


A man can be looking for a long term relationship not with a virgin bride and still have standards, you know? There are wonderful young women out there who aren't virgins, who are sexual beings, who aren't sending nudes to female friends and kissing them. It's not either one or the other.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Livvie said:


> At what point should he think about it? When he's in deep in a relationship with her and it's harder to terminate it?


That's a good point. Which brings up a better point....some folks that get all over invested after a couple dates......shouldn't. 

If the first three or four dates or so everything is good, no red flags AT ALL.....then ok, dive in.

But if things are flaky from jumpstreet just enjoy the ride as long as it may last. Be the fun guy she'll remember. Let her be herself, vice-versa. 

Then like the songs'.. .just kiss and say goodbye.....and the other song......two outta three ain't bad.

And move on, having enjoyed each others company for that little while you had.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

In Absentia said:


> He is come here for advice. I'm trying to give him a different perspective. It might help him to make his mind up. Personally, despite the "red flags", if I really liked the girl and felt very compatible, I would at least have a go at the relationship.


Threesome?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> You have a very dirty mind...


I have a mind that tells me when I see someone doing something perverted and they tell me that they aren’t really doing something perverted but that it is actually some wild and complex story that doesn’t really make any sense - I tend to believe it’s actually pervertedness.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Livvie said:


> A man can be looking for a long term relationship not with a virgin bride and still have standards, you know? There are wonderful young women out there who aren't virgins, who are sexual beings, who aren't sending nudes to female friends and kissing them. It's not either one or the other.


Correct but that further proves my point. 

Each person gets to pick what is and what is not acceptable to them. 

There are some people for which any kind of same-sex contact is a deal breaker.

Some guys are ok with their partner doing girl-girl stuff as it’s not another dude. 

And some guys actually want a bisexual woman. 

And again, this is why we date; it’s so we can find out these things about the other.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> I have a mind that tells me when I see someone doing something perverted and they tell me that they aren’t really doing something perverted but that it is actually some wild and complex story that doesn’t really make any sense - I tend to believe it’s actually pervertedness.


But it does make sense… it’s not a complex story. You are my age… you need to get in touch with the younger generation… in a good way 😄


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Threesome?


That’s a possible option


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> But it does make sense… it’s not a complex story. You are my age… you need to get in touch with the younger generation… in a good way 😄


Nah, it’s easier to believe they kinda have the tingles for each other and dig checking each other out and smooching on each other. 

I’m not judging or saying that’s bad or wrong or anything. 

I just think it’s a little more far fetched to think they they are taking nakey pictures and kissing on each other because they have some body image issues.

What’s easier to believe, they have the warmies for each other and have some attraction for each other and wanted some smoochie time?

Of that they have some body image issues and believe that taking nudie pictures of each and making out with each other will be an effective coping mechanism? 

Which is the more likely and which is the more far fetched explanation? 

It’s kinda like when you have an only child and you hear a crash in kitchen and you walk in to find the cookie jar broken in several pieces with cookies on the floor but you know one is missing and the kid is standing in the middle of it all with cookie crumbs on his shirt,, but he says the dog was chasing the cat and the cat jumped up on the counter and tried to hide behind the cookie jar but pushed it off the counter onto the floor instead.

But yet the cat is asleep in a sunspot in the other room and the dog is a 14 year old arthritic golden retriever that’s never chased the cat before.

What is the simplest explanation?


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## harperlee (May 1, 2018)

bostonscott said:


> So I’m 29 (male) and I just started hanging out/dating someone who is 25 We met at a my favorite coffee shop.





oldshirt said:


> What is the simplest explanation?


That the 25 yr. old thinks it's cute and alluring to allude to a 29 yr. old male that she kisses and stuff on a another girl.
Just this post worked for some of the guys on TAM, lol.
That's pretty much all that's happening.


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## bostonscott (4 mo ago)

harperlee said:


> That the 25 yr. old thinks it's cute and alluring to allude to a 29 yr. old male that she kisses and stuff on a another girl.
> Just this post worked for some of the guys on TAM, lol.
> That's pretty much all that's happening.


huh


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

bostonscott said:


> huh


I think what Harper was trying to say is that the simplest explanation is that she was just trying to appear sexy and adventurous to get you riled up.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Wow, someone has great comments and is into this thread.



oldshirt said:


> Very true for BOTH men and women.
> 
> People either rise or lower themselves to meet expectations.
> 
> *If everyone were to heed red flags and and were more willing to say thanks but no thanks, that would probably motivate people to be better.*





oldshirt said:


> *If someone is in the market for a spouse and father/mother of their children and someone to bring into their family and own property and joint finances together etc etc, they yes they NEED to look for red flags and heed them and not be afraid to walk away and keep looking. *
> 
> But if someone is *not looking for a spouse, coparent, life partner etc at this time, then the primary red flags they need to be looking for are open lesions, genital discharge and/or zip ties, duct tape, bleach and a shovel in the trunk of their car. *
> 
> ...


A few thoughts on the above comments. First I agree that the OP gets to date and explore any relationship he desires that does not harm people or force them to do things they are uncomfortable with. As to red flags and people we initially date, I agree with the watch out for open genital lesions, discharge, zip ties and duct tape. However, some people mature as they get older. That means they may grow out of a "red flag" behavior they had at 25, by the time they reach the age of 30; at least that is my experience.

Which bring up another point that was discussed a lot several years ago pre-pandemic. The topic was telling women to stop looking for "Mr. Right" and start dating "Mr. Good-enough." And yes, that goes for Miss Right and Miss Good-enough as well. During the pandemic when dating was pretty difficult and folks were sheltering in place in a "bio-bubble" finding compatible people was even more of a challenge.

Studies have also shown that there are now more women in college then men and women prefer to marry men who are more educated and have better and higher status jobs. That means finding the "right" partner can be more difficult due to demographics.

While I agree when one is dating you really need to identify things you consider red flags, I also think you need to think about them, as to are these things your dating partner might grow out of. If so, you should remember them and should you decide if this is the person you want to marry, etc. then you really need to talk to them about these issue and make sure they are capable of outgrowing them.



oldshirt said:


> It’s up to the OP and his goals and requirements and his selection criteria.
> 
> For some people, anything deviating from the straight-and-narrow is an instant deal breaker.
> 
> ...


My goodness, where to start. I think we all know what would *come up* if they all got naked, kissed and drank a lot of wine. 

My advice to the OP, is if he believes the "line" about her having body issues as to why she is sending naked pictures to her girlfriend, I have another suggestion. Since he is several years older and probably better off financially and since she is OK with naked pictures, he has a perfect opportunity to show this younger woman how to kick things up several notches. I would give her a present (Christmas would probably be good) for a *boudoir* *photography* experience with a female photographer. The whole 9 yards, hair, make-up, costumes, etc. What a professional photographer can do with light, shadow, posing and angles, can dispell just about any woman's body image issues. I would wager that she will treasure those photos of her youth at 25 for decades to come and remember the man who inspired her. Besides they would likely be much more tasteful and beautiful.

Then after the photos come back, invite his girlfriend over (and depending on what he feels comfortable with, invite her girlfriend over) to look at both the boudoir photos and the older naked photos while sharing a couple of fine bottles of wine. 



oldshirt said:


> Nah, it’s easier to believe *they kinda have the tingles for each other and dig checking each other out and smooching on each other.*
> 
> ......(or) that they have some body image issues and believe that taking nudie pictures of each and making out with each other will be an effective coping mechanism?
> 
> Which is the more likely and which is the more far fetched explanation? .........


I believe that is potentially a simpler explanation. However, I also hypothesized two alternate explanations earlier. The first was that she really liked him, knew those photos were out there and wanted to be honest with him from the get-go so some secrete girl-girl thing would not come out and ruin a relationship she wanted to build. The second is that she wanted to use the concept of dating "shock & awe" to make the OP look at her much differently. Specifically, that she was a very sexy, desirable, sex machine. I also think that those are plausible explanations. 

And yes, I agree that virginity is highly over-rated. I feel that fidelity, commitment to work through problems, ethics, life goals, and matching sexual desire/libido are things that need to be much more highly rated and considered in a potential partner. 

And yes a 3-some before age 30 could be one of those life experiences that could cause the OP smile about on his death-bed.

Again, great comments. I think that the OP has by his questions tapped into the collective experience of much of TAM.


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## bostonscott (4 mo ago)

I have found the posts here from everyone very helpful. To be a responsible OP, I thought I would provide an update on how everything is going.

I tried to talk to her about it a few days ago and she said the pictures were not nudes (had clothing) and that she only kissed her friend once. ( I knew it wasn't true)

Last night I said we are going to try this again and I need you to be honest if this is going to work. We had a really good date (so she opened up more. she really, really likes me) I said all I care about is that you are honest with me. At the start she told me that she was excited to tell me she kissed her friend and that she sent nudes so I knew there was something more.

She's pretty nervous so she's not a great liar. She admitted that she sends and receives full nudes with her friend. She said her face wasn't in them, but I pushed further and she admitted it was. She also said she kisses her friend and it's not just once, I think It's often. It's been on video multiple times and off video multiple times. She said they do it in front of guys or send it to guys. (so her friend can feel more powerful? wtf) Her friend is kind of a feminist, women are powerful, heavy into politics type of bull personalty (hope I don't offend anyone saying that. I am just trying to describe her) The girl i'm seeing is more quiet reserved and cute. She said they change naked around each other and are very comfortable ( they don't see each other often anymore tho, which I find weird because I see my close friends often.) (they met and were friends at work and don't work together anymore)

I don't know how I feel about all this. Specifically the pictures. She did offer to show me them, but I politely declined. (that's weird to me)

I'm also curious if her and her friend have done more than "kiss". If they have or haven't I think I am still uncomfortable with them talking and being friends. I feel like it's being in contact with an ex. Thoughts on this????

The thing is who am I to tell her who she can or can't talk to and who she can or can't be friends with. I don't want to be that person. I know what that type of controlling crap can bring in return. You have to trust people.

I do know I am one of the more "professional guys" she's been around.

I didn't really tell her how I felt about any of this, I just thanked her for her honesty and I feel like she will tell me more now. I do really like her, but all of this stuff is just such a dark cloud. Thanks for reading!!


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## harperlee (May 1, 2018)

bostonscott said:


> She's pretty nervous so she's not a great liar. She admitted that she sends and receives full nudes with her friend. She said her face wasn't in them, but I pushed further and she admitted it was. She also said she kisses her friend and it's not just once, I think It's often. It's been on video multiple times and off video multiple times. *She said they do it in front of guys or send it to guys.* (so her friend can feel more powerful? wtf) Her friend is kind of a feminist, women are powerful, heavy into politics type of bull personalty (hope I don't offend anyone saying that. I am just trying to describe her) The girl i'm seeing is more quiet reserved and cute. She said they change naked around each other and are very comfortable ( they don't see each other often anymore tho, which I find weird because I see my close friends often.) (they met and were friends at work and don't work together anymore)


All of this paragraph is what you should focus on. The bolded means this: There is no feminism here bostonscott; this is a woman and friend who are very insecure in their appearance, attractiveness and think that engaging in activities such as this make themselves more alluring.
She is not nervous or shy in a cute way; it's a RUN way. She has some self esteem building to do and it would be a mistake for you to think you are the knight who will provide it.
If you chose to proceed with this relationship, you will need to be very open-minded.
Your girlfriend has quite a lot of growing up to do.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Off topic but there were times when I’d drop in at my girlfriends (now wife) apartment during college and she would be in the shower with her roommate. I sure hope they were doing what was burning through my imagination ! Two of her roommates were hot as hell.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

bostonscott said:


> I'm also curious if her and her friend have done more than "kiss". If they have or haven't I think I am still uncomfortable with them talking and being friends. I feel like it's being in contact with an ex. Thoughts on this????


You had the perfect opportunity to ask -- why didn't you?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

bostonscott said:


> The thing is who am I to tell her who she can or can't talk to and who she can or can't be friends with. I don't want to be that person. I know what that type of controlling crap can bring in return. You have to trust people.


This isn't YOU telling her what she can do -- this is YOU standing up for your own boundaries and what you are willing to accept, or not, from a partner.


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## bostonscott (4 mo ago)

jlg07 said:


> You had the perfect opportunity to ask -- why didn't you?


I'll ask tonight. I felt like a tossed a lot on her.


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## bostonscott (4 mo ago)

jlg07 said:


> This isn't YOU telling her what she can do -- this is YOU standing up for your own boundaries and what you are willing to accept, or not, from a partner.


True and that is why I am most likely going to walk away. I just don't get why she would do these things. That is what I cant understand


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## bostonscott (4 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Not normal. One of the two is gay or bi probably. Sending nudes on the internet is all kinds of stupid. She's chaos.


hey friend is for sure Bi


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Trident said:


> Opportunity knocks my friend.
> 
> Don't be so quick to kick your bisexual girlfriend to the curb.
> 
> Good time might be heading your way and by that I mean double the fun!


That's what I'm thinking, I wonder how open a relationship I would entertain if her partner was female and also likes to suck on willy  
Hmmm...


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

RandomDude said:


> That's what I'm thinking, I wonder how open a relationship I would entertain if her partner was female and also likes to suck on willy
> Hmmm...


That had me laughing 🤣🤣🤣🤣


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

harperlee said:


> That the 25 yr. old thinks it's cute and alluring to allude to a 29 yr. old male that she kisses and stuff on a another girl.
> Just this post worked for some of the guys on TAM, lol.
> That's pretty much all that's happening.


It's working on me 😊


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## bostonscott (4 mo ago)

bobert said:


> That's something that you will need to work on if you want to have a healthy relationship. Everyone should have boundaries and should be able to say them. That doesn't mean the other person has to follow your boundaries, which also means you don't have to stay with them.
> 
> If sending nudes is so important to her, then you aren't a good match (and honestly, I doubt she'd be a safe partner). If your relationship is more important than it won't be a big deal for her to stop.
> 
> How did this topic come up/how do you know about the nudes?





Young at Heart said:


> You are 29 and she is 25. You should be quite a bit more mature than she is. You sound like you are handling it well.
> 
> Some questions for you. Are things going so well, you think this woman could end up your wife? Probably way to early to know from what you describe. The real down side of the nude photos of her with her face would be if you married her and then either ran for political office or had a "pillar of the community" type of job. Other than that is shouldn't matter anymore than someone who posed for Playboy Magazine.
> 
> ...





oldshirt said:


> Cont…
> 
> What @bostonscott has not mentioned and no one has bothered to ask is what were the circumstances and tone for which she disclosed this information.
> 
> ...


The context was she was pretty excited to tell me and she also has a lot of pictures exchanged. They have kissed often


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

bostonscott said:


> The context was she was pretty excited to tell me and she also has a lot of pictures exchanged. They have kissed often


Then she has pretty fair degree of bisexuality and seems pretty proud of it. And it sounds like she is really into the attention that gets her. 

Your choice here is how cool you are with that. 

If you are very conservative and think any form of bisexuality is bad or sinful, then this relationship ain’t gonna work for you. 

Now just because some chickie likes to boobie rub and kissy-kiss other chicks in front of the guys to get them all riled up does not mean that she can’t grow up and be a faithful partner if she chooses to do so. 

But, whether you want to remain with someone that does that is up to you.


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## bostonscott (4 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> See my post above.
> 
> You can't tell her she can't see her friend. She is a free adult in a free country and can see whoever she wants.
> 
> ...


And like shed tell me the truth if I told her what she can and cant do while seeing her friend. I mean cmon, it's like seeing an ex


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## bostonscott (4 mo ago)

Young at Heart said:


> You need to examine your feelings for her. She has possibly shared deep feelings for you.
> 
> If you think you might really care about her, then tell her that you really liked her honesty and bravery in telling you about her pictures and her friend. Tell her that open and honest communication leads to strong relationships and you find those qualities in her very special and so different from other women you have dated. Tell her that so many people hide things. (That should not turn off her honesty.) Tell her that you wanted to make sure you told her how special you found that bravery, because it took you a while to be brave enough to admit it.
> 
> ...


Great post, But I don't know if I'm comfortable with her seeing friend she has kissed a lot and shares explicit photos with. I don't really see any path other than me walking away. 

How can I tell her she cant hang out with someone. That's not me, but at the same time I feel like it's hanging out with an ex. (Not my thing)


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

bostonscott said:


> And like shed tell me the truth if I told her what she can and cant do while seeing her friend. I mean cmon, it's like seeing an ex


I don’t know what else to tell you that has not already been said many times by many different posters - You get to decide whether this is something you can live with or not and whether you want to continue seeing her or not. 

If you don’t want to date some chick that swaps nudes with other chicks and titty runs and makes out with other chicks in front of men and presumably in private as well, that is your call and your perogative.

Women are the gatekeepers of sex.

Men are the gatekeepers of relationships. 

If you don’t want to have a relationship with someone that behaves this way - then don’t.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

bostonscott said:


> Great post, But I don't know if I'm comfortable with her seeing friend she has kissed a lot and shares explicit photos with. I don't really see any path other than me walking away.
> 
> How can I tell her she cant hang out with someone. That's not me, but at the same time I feel like it's hanging out with an ex. (Not my thing)


Anyone has the right to state that if they are going to be in a relationship with someone that they can ask to be sexually exclusive and that they do not want to date someone that is swapping nudie pics, touching, kissing, having any kind of sexual contact with other people.

That person has the right to either accept sexual exclusivity or decline it. 

I think it is also fair to state that you do not want to be in a relationship with someone still in association with an “ex.”

And again, they can either agree to or decline those terms. 

The part I still don’t think you are grasping is that these are “I” statements and are your own personal boundaries within which you will or will not be in a relationship.

They are not “you” statements in which you are telling the other person what they cannot do. 

She can do whatever the hell she wants, she is a consenting adults.

Personal boundaries are stating what you will or will not accept in order for you to be in that relationship. 

And if you think she is just going to lie about stuff and hook up with people behind you back anyway,, then why on earth would you consider being in a relationship with that person in the first place.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

She doesn't seem like a safe long-term partner. This friend sounds like an ex or maybe not an ex as yet and still messing about with each other. If you're into nothing serious ATM then have fun, but long-term serious relationship would be a disaster. Just my thoughts.

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

You are still just dating so now is the time to get rid if too many red flags, or enjoy if no red flags (ooops) dating is when you find out about each other, the good and the bad. Then you decide to carry on dating or look for someone else.

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> What is the simplest explanation?


Girls and some women find other women less threatening, and more compatible.

A lot of females fear men,_ maybe_ because they have been hurt by them.

OP's GF is still in the undecided (in the middle) mindset.
She is enjoying both worlds, but will land in, one or the other, camps in the future (one would think).

This woman is statistically unconventional, a minority ruled by a less than *forgiving majority.

*This societal norm is changing.
With over 7 billion people in the world, having a few percent, *not bearing children cannot be all bad.

*Yeah, I know, some Lesbians still bear and raise children, arising from invitro donated sperm fertilization, or from some willing impregnating male.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

bostonscott said:


> Great post, But I don't know if I'm comfortable with her seeing friend she has kissed a lot and shares explicit photos with. I don't really see any path other than me walking away.
> 
> How can I tell her she cant hang out with someone. That's not me, but at the same time I feel like it's hanging out with an ex. (Not my thing)


Then tell her exactly what you have posted. Ask her if she is willing to be in an exclusive relationship with you and that you don't like the idea of her hanging out with someone she has been intimate with in the past. Let her decide who she values more.

Good luck, or just tell her it wouldn't work out and date someone else.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

bostonscott said:


> Great post, But I don't know if I'm comfortable with her seeing friend she has kissed a lot and shares explicit photos with. I don't really see any path other than me walking away.
> 
> *How can I tell her she cant hang out with someone*. *That's not me, but at the same time I feel like it's hanging out with an ex. (Not my thing)*


If hanging out with an ex is a deal killer in a relationship with her. Tell her that, and let her have a say in the matter. 

If you can't do that then move on.


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## Garama (3 mo ago)

> It is much more common for younger generations than older, but you’re still talking 1:5 or 1:6 for Gen Z. The younger the are it seems the more likely they are to identify as an alphabet person.


Well yes maybe i can agree with this statement. But i also know people who are in their mid 30s and they identified themselves as lgbt in this age. Anyway he started to refer himself as lgbt and wear pride merch in this age. So i doubt that everyone can begin to idetify himself as a gay or lesbian only in teen age. But it is just my observations and experience, idk


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Zombie cat?


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