# Is this typical girl behavior?



## southbound

I've been divorced for about a year and things are going well; however, I have a 13 year old daughter and her constant "need" for something drives me up the wall. Don't get me wrong; she is a good kid. She makes good grades, doesn't get in trouble at school, and is an overall nice person; however, what seems like a constant need for something drives me crazy.

For example, every time she sees me there is something she "needs" from the store; a specific shampoo, soap, etc. I sat through a 3 hour game the other night while she cheered. I was ready to go home, but her first expression when she got in the car was that she needed something at the store.

She brought a shirt with her the other night and kept saying, "Dad, I sure wish I had a necklace to wear with this." I know she was hinting to drive into town and get one.

She forgets her stuff at school and we have to go by and get it; she packs to spend time at my house, but she always forgets something and has to go back and get it. And one would think she was going to die if she didn't have her hair gel or a certain pair of pants. half the stuff we do is due to her poor planning, but she thinks I can be on call 24/7 to go pick up the slack. My younger son, on the other hand, is such a contrast. He is smart as a whip too, and he is so calm, laid back, and doesn't have all these wants.

If I pick up my son only, i know it will be a drive straight to the house. My daughter, however, will without a doubt, have a need that needs fulfilling before we get home. It drives me up the wall. 

Is this typical for most girls her age? Is it a stage that will pass?


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## TNgirl232

I think its an age thing. My 13 year old does it too. I tell her she has to tell me when we are going to the store if she wants it because I'm not going out to get it, or that she'll have to deal with the consequences of having left "X" at school because I'm not going back to get it. 

Put the responsibility on her, because you know that she will not die because her hair gel didn't get packed. If she has to go without often enough, she'll start planning better. By giving in and going to get it, you training her that it will work so there is no reason for her to improve.


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## annagarret

It is for sure the age. We have an 18 girl, 16 boy, 13 girl and 9 girl. Our son is soooo different. Well just a boy. She is at an awkward age and is trying to find herself through style and such. She does have to learn that you are not going to be on beck and call for her. Life is not like that and you would be creating a monster if you did that. Not all of us ever gets what we want. Sounds like you are a great dad with a great daughter. Daughters are very emotional and tender especially at this age. It gets a little better by 17. Just give her lots of hugs and compliments, girls like women, thrive and grow on compliments.

Blessings


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## nice777guy

I think you need to start pushing back a bit. It's the only way she'll ever learn to pack for her time with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

Do you keep a supply of her hair jell, shampoo, etc at your house? She should have all of those things there and not have to pack them every time she comes over.

Take her shopping specifically to stock her supplies. Then check each time you go shopping to see if she needs any refills.

My son went back and forth between his dad's and my house from 2nd grade on. He never had to pack. We both had enough clothing, shampoo, etc for him at both places.

Then once you stock up at your place, tell her that she has to tell you ahead of time if she needs to stop by a store. Limit your willingness to do this. What I used was the 'can you live without it until tomorrow' test. If no one would die, get sick or flunk a class if we waited until tomorrow for it, we waited. And by the next day somehow the need was no longer a need.

But bottom line, you daughter is just being a kid. She likes to go to the store... it must be fun for her.


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## SimplyAmorous

EleGirl said:


> Do you keep a supply of her hair jell, shampoo, etc at your house? She should have all of those things there and not have to pack them every time she comes over.
> 
> Take her shopping specifically to stock her supplies. Then check each time you go shopping to see if she needs any refills.
> 
> My son went back and forth between his dad's and my house from 2nd grade on. He never had to pack. We both had enough clothing, shampoo, etc for him at both places.
> 
> Then once you stock up at your place, tell her that she has to tell you ahead of time if she needs to stop by a store. Limit your willingness to do this. What I used was the 'can you live without it until tomorrow' test. If no one would die, get sick or flunk a class if we waited until tomorrow for it, we waited. And by the next day somehow the need was no longer a need.


This is all excellent advice. At my house, it probably wouldn't be 'live till tomrrow" though, it would be "live till I go to town again, caues I ain't wasting any gas cause you was forgetful" kinda talk. My kids all know that is how our house runs. They need to learn to PLAN and not ask for things at the last minute, cause when they do, chances are they will NOT get them, unless they are lucky and I happen to go out for something necessary. It is kinda a tough love approach to things, but they learn responsiblity quicker this way- which will only benefit them later in life, even in marraige. This kind of behavior will be what men see as nagging and non organization. Last minute shopping can be expensive too! 

Yes, I know she is 13 & girls like to shop, but she needs to realize she is stepping on your boundaries as well. Let her go without , there will be no better motivator than that. 

It sounds to me like you are a very Catering Dad to her, and she has come to "expect" all of this running at her leisure. 

This will upset her if/when you change the rules on her - but it is for her own good too -as she grows into an adult.


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## EleGirl

The 'can you live without it until tomorrow' test is more about letting the want die a natural death.... learning to control the desire to spend.

I use it on myself as well. If I'm at a store and really want something I use that test for myself. I go home and if the next day I still really want whatever it was, as it's worth going back to the store for I'll go get it. Most things are just don't care about the next day. It's saved me a lot of money.

I see my 22 year old son now using the same test. He has a nice savings account, even as a poor college student.


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## southbound

Thanks for all the advice and comments. I do keep shampoo and such at my house and have bought an alternate supply of everything for my house, but it sometimes goes to the other house when she packs. Then she shows up the next time without it. 

It eases my mind to know this is somewhat normal. I also realize that philosophy toward children have changed in this day. When I was growing up, children's wants didn't dominate the adult schedule. Today, however, I hear parents say, "I live my life for what my kids want," or "It's all about what the kids want." When I was a kid, my parents wouldn't have allowed me to be in a million different clubs and activities like kids are today, because it would have been too much. Today, parents act like they're robbing their children if they aren't involved in all that. My weekends were spent relaxing and riding bicycles with the next door buddy. Today, parents weekends are spent running all over the country going to games and activities. So, I didn't know if I was just being a scrooge for not desiring to be on the go all the time for my kids.

I suppose I could do a little better at planning shopping trips for needs too. 

And if I'm totally honest, it's mentally tougher now that I'm divorced. I always thought of myself as a firm parent, but I guess I sometimes feel that the poor kids have went through enough with the divorce, so maybe meeting their wants a little more isn't so bad, even though it drives me crazy.


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## southbound

I have another question. Is it typical for kids this age to not "appreciate" things? I'm an adult, and I appreciate things that I have. If I am able to buy a new tv, for example, I feel satisfied for a while. So what if i can't also get a new computer, I JUST BOUGHT A NEW TV!!

My daughter doesn't seem to get this. I could buy her two new pairs of shoes, or let her stay the weekend with friends, but sure enough, there will still be something she needs to feel fulfilled the next time I see her.


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## TNgirl232

Its the age...and I don't have an answer for this one.

I get her one thing, and the next thing out of her mouth is "hey mom, I need...." or we have just talked about how she isn't doing her chores and is slacking off on her responsibilities, and the next thing she says is "Mom I need $$ for something" Drives me bonkers.


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## EleGirl

southbound said:


> I have another question. Is it typical for kids this age to not "appreciate" things? I'm an adult, and I appreciate things that I have. If I am able to buy a new tv, for example, I feel satisfied for a while. So what if i can't also get a new computer, I JUST BOUGHT A NEW TV!!
> 
> My daughter doesn't seem to get this. I could buy her two new pairs of shoes, or let her stay the weekend with friends, but sure enough, there will still be something she needs to feel fulfilled the next time I see her.


Kids do not appeciate things be cause everything is given to them. How much does she earn? She's old enough to start earning money to start paying for things.

For example give her an allowance based on chores. Designate certain things that she can only buy out of her allowance. You will not pay for them. Provide the basics, but after that she has to earn and save the money to pay for it.

I started this with my son when he was in kindergarden. He got $1 for each year of his age. After that he had to do chores to earn money. When he was in K he would spend every penny every week.. he wanted to go to the toy store as soon as he got his money. By the end of that year he said one day that the good toys cost a lot. He discovered saving and asking to do extra chores to earn $$ for the things he really wanted.

He was very excited in 1st grade when he had earned and saved up enought to buy a used Nintendo and a couple of used games. Except for xmas and b-day presents, he has earned everything other than the necessities that he has had. When he was 15 he talked a bank into giving him an intership as a teller to earn his own money and he worked that job all through high school.

He has never had the attitude that you describe your daughter as having.


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## SimplyAmorous

EleGirl said:


> Kids do not appeciate things be cause everything is given to them.


When I was a kid, my parents made me work HARDm at the time I was not too crazy about them, but It helped me be very responsible. So in the scheme of things, this was a huge blessing to my life & shaping my future.

I think much like EleGirl in raising my own kids. My kids are not spoiled at all in the materialistic fashion. They are even appreciative to go to McDonalds & get a Happy Meal, accually I have never even bought one- cause it is cheaper to buy off the $1 menu & get water. Pop is a luxery when eating out for our family. 

I accually don't even give mine an allowance, I have too many kids & with endless friends birthday parties, & just buying for them, with 1 parent working, we just don't do it. 

They get their NEEDS met always -but when it comes to the wants, we don't jump. They need to be a productive part of our family, doing around the house, which they do - they are allowed to use their Birthday or Christmas $$ or they will wait until we agree, which most of the time I am very generous with them, they have no complaints or feel they are deprived, but we DO make them "wait".... anticipation is a blessid thing. 

This breeds *thankfulness *in them.


Me & my husband would never be caught dead in an angry line for the brand spanking new Sony Playstation 5 (or whatever it is up to now?), where the price is overly inflated a couple hundred bucks, my kids have to wait a year for the price to drop. 

We are very careful with $$, and they see & experience how we live on a day to day basis, this will only serve them well when they marry someday -to be able to live within their means and be thankful for what they do have, instead of always running to get something new to fill a void. 

My oldest is in College, it has rubbed off over all of these years - he is as Frugal as his parents ... I can give him a couple hundred and he can get that to last for a few months. I even allow him to carry one of my credit cards cause he has proven how trustworthy he is. - Then he pays me out of his money. 



> And if I'm totally honest, it's mentally tougher now that I'm divorced. I always thought of myself as a firm parent, but I guess I sometimes feel that the poor kids have went through enough with the divorce, so maybe meeting their wants a little more isn't so bad, even though it drives me crazy


 This makes sense, alot of parents do this after a divorce, they don't want to be looked upon as the BAD parent either, or the less caring in regards to their needs, almost like a competition. Or they just feel bad, like yourself , and you want to make thier life as enjoyable as you can -because she has just been through some hard times. 

I have a friend who overcompensated with how she raised her son cause her mother was NOT a good mother, wasn't there for her, ect, so she spoiled her son , wanted him to be treated like a little King -giving him every thing his little heart desired.... I even recall the conversation I had with her in our parking lot one day.... she was telling me he didn't like anything she cooked, so she would run out to get him his favorte this or that at the fast food place, she said she didn't mind -she wanted to SPOIL HIM, he was her only and he deserved it ..... I looked at her and told her to her face.....she is going to RUIN HIM, he is going to come to EXPECT this treatment...and well.....this is exactly what came to pass.......it is BAD , he is not nice to her, he doesn't treat her with respect, he complains all the time he wants more of this or that. 

Not good.

Gotta have some balance with these things of coarse. Set some ground rules, stick to them, regardless of how she feels, she has to know this falls back on her -it is not that you are denying her anything. But she has to work within your schedule and use her resources wisely. 

Forgetfulness is not pretty - it won't serve her well in life- in future jobs, with friends, etc etc - so start allowing her to feel the pain of that, so she can change her ways. One is never too young to make mental notes, even carry a little pocket calender in her purse to remind her of what she needs to do each day. 

And the making of those lists and being more careful what she is taking back & forth from your house to her mom's house, that is ON HER, not you. Or it shouldn't be.


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## FirstYearDown

SA, please please please shorten your posts. I love your words so much, but it gets hard to read a novel all the time. 

Spoiling children is never a good idea, IMO. I am not a parent, but I have seen the effect of overindulging kids. It leads to lazy and entitled adults who sponge off of their parents for life. 

I have a cousin who is 18. She can barely read or spell and she does not even have a high school diploma. The dumb girl doesn't work, she just watches TV and goes on luxury vacations with her mother. Children's Aid nearly took my cousin away from her home, because she missed so much school to travel. 

My aunt did not encourage any work ethic in her daughter and now my cousin is a failure who can only talk about designer clothes and celebrities. The girl weighs nearly 300 pounds, yet she thinks that she will marry a rich man.:rofl: I tried to help my cousin get her life on track, but I was losing too many IQ points listening to her nonsense.


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## Hope1964

My daughter was and is the same - she's almost 18.

We have a shopping list posted and she adds to it as she needs stuff. She's realized I have my limit over the years - I do not jump up and take her wherever she 'needs' to go whenever she wants to go. But if I am out and about and we're passing right by wherever she wants to go I usually stop fer her. Part of living your life for your kids is teaching them responsibility, and you aren't doing that by catering to their every whim.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore

Southbound, it seems to me that you have a perfectly normal teenage daughter. :smthumbup:

And yes, the desires and attitudes of maturing boys and girls can be quite different. Girls want specific hair styling and beauty products, along with whatever cool clothes are in fashion. The irony is, when girls start “NEEDING” (aka “want“) all of these things, over half the boys their same age look as if they haven’t even brushed their hair and are colorblind or dressed in the dark. LOL!!! Sorry guys, but it is so true. 

I picked up and dropped off my step-son and step-daughter (now 18yrs and 19yrs) everyday from school. My son is almost 11yrs old, so this is round 2 for me.

If it is any consolation, after speaking with many other parents of teenage girls, the general census seems to be that around 17 yrs old the majority of them start to level out again.

Good Luck!!!


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## anotherguy

yep. girls.

along those same lines... this is video kind of funny. 'things' girls say...

**** Girls Say - Episode 1 - YouTube


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