# I don't know if this should be the end or not



## jb7764 (Apr 25, 2013)

This is my first post on this forum. I've read some posts already, but decided it's time that I post my own situation to get an outside opinion because I'm not sure what to do. 

I'll start at the very beginning. We originally started seeing each other as teenagers. He was my high school sweetheart. I would've done anything for him. He was also my savor on some level. I was headed down a path of drugs and partying and I was going to drop out of school, but he said he couldn't be with me if I did. So I got my act together and graduated on time (which was very hard to do because of how behind I was BTW). During this time he left for the military. We communicated any way we could and we planned getting married after I graduated. I had it planned for June 22. On one of his visits back home we visited for a couple of days, had sex for the first time, then a couple of days later it was Valentines day, but I didn't hear from him. I figured he was just busy with family/friend stuff because he wasn't back for very long and wanted to get in as much time as possible. I didn't want to be that nagging "wife" so I let it slide. But a couple of weeks past and while I was talking about my wedding plans with a few friends my best friend showed up late to the discussion. Once she realized what I was talking about she said "wait, you don't know?" She then told me that on Valentine's day he ran into a girl that he had a huge crush on a while back and they were now getting married. That August. Apparently, she was already looking for a dress. Needless to say, I was crushed. And pissed. But not just at him but at my friend for not telling me privately. She added to the pain unnecessarily. Anyway, months pass and this other girl cheated on him and they broke up before the wedding. More time passes and then he comes crawling back to me. I don't take him back right away because I was seeing someone else, but I do eventually. I know I was stupid, now, but then I was so deeply in love that I would have done anything for him. Plus I was young and dumb I was just 16 at that time. I decided he was just being a teenager not ready for commitment and figured it was for the best because we were so young. Over then next couple of years. We broke up and got back together a few times. One time it was because I went to visit him out of state and he literally spent all day on his computer game instead of spending any time with me. So I broke up with him and left early. Again he came back begging because he missed me and promised to never do it again. 

Then we have this great time together. He was good about spending time with me. He was sweet. I felt loved and cherished and alll that good stuff. So we got married. We had a good first couple of years. Still had some of the same problems with his gaming and his lack of romance, but I was still content. Then about 4 years ago I freaked out because everything was getting to me. I got tired of always having to beg. I had to beg for attention. I had to beg for sex. I had to beg to get him to do anything with me. So I left. For a week. I couldn't handle being on my own. I had to move into my moms house which was just awful because he bf at the time was a horrible horrible man. I was a student. And I just didn't know how I would survive. And I missed him. I was lonely. He was all I knew and he was all I thought I could get. I was afraid of ending up in a relationship like my mom's. So I went back. We talked and worked through some things as best we could and things were really good again. But now it's all back to the same. 

But this time, he was the one who wanted to leave. He said that we had grown apart because I quit smoking and was trying to eat healthy and I wanted him to do the same. That I deserved someone who could show me the love I deserve. And that we didn't have anything in common anymore. And he didn't want to try to find anything and do the other things I wanted him too. I was upset for a while, broken hearted. Later that night he texted apologizing wanting to come back. I didn't let him that night, but said we could talk the next day. He said that he was willing to do all those things as long as I changed some things too He wanted me to wear more makeup to get him interested in me again and he wanted me to go to the gym with him (he's about 100lbs over weight) and he wants us to learn about an interest that the other one has. Like he wants me to learn sports and I chose photography for him to learn. But just days after this get back together, he reactivated his WoW account without even discussing it with me and has played every day, most of the day, since. He has been getting off rather quickly when I go to bed so he can come with me, but I still have to beg for sex and attention. He's made no effort to go to the gym and has turned me down when I asked him to go on walks with me and the dog. 

I'm not sure I made the right choice to let him back. It feels like we are just dragging out the inevitable and should just end it once and for all. But a part of me just can't let go. I feel like I'd be turning my back on my soulmate...but could he really be my soulmate I have to beg to get him to spend time with me? Am I just having a hard letting go because he is my first love? Am I asking too much of him? I just don't know anymore. Recently, I've even been finding myself wondering what it would be like to be with other men. What kind of relationship we'd have. The sex life. How much happier I'd be. But that's all unknown and that scares me. 

I'm just so confused on whether or not it's over between us. Or even if it should have ever began with our beginning. I did manage to forgive him for that and I did regain 100% trust. But then when he left this most recent time. I just don't trust that he won't hurt me a third time. 

Any advice from anyone who had a similar situation?


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

He's not your soul mate! If such a thing exists do you think it would be so crushingly painful? Do you think it would be humiliatingly debasing cause you to beg for affection and attention like some stray dog? No, this is not a soul mate, this is..: The Path of Least Resistence; The Devil You Know; The predictable prick who gives just enough to keep you from starving to death.

Make a clean break. No second chances, no look back, no do overs. You two are toxic together and you have grown used to being treated badly so one little nice thing makes you feel all better.

I know this was harsh sounding, but it is reality. Move onto to bigger and better things. It is NOT ging to happen with this guy.


----------



## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

Sometime people come in to your life at just the right moment and are a source of your own improvement. He obviously was. However just because they cause a life altering change... this doesn't mean that they are meant to stay in your life forever. If it's not there and you're not happy, and vise versa, that's the simple truth. You can't force it. 

If you stay you close yourself off to real happiness and security. You leave and break it off, you open yourself to a world of opportunity and another chance (or several) at real satisfaction and happiness.
Don't be scared of what's out there. GET EXCITED FOR IT! SEIZE IT! Recreate your own destiny.


----------



## jb7764 (Apr 25, 2013)

Thanks you both so much for your replies! I've been feeling more and more like it's just not right. It's really hard to put that "first love" part aside, but I do think you both are right. Everything in this relationship is one sided. I mean he is a great guy in general. He's smart, charming, handsome, a good friend, and overall good company.


----------



## jb7764 (Apr 25, 2013)

But he won't love me the way I need to be.


----------



## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

jb7764 said:


> Thanks you both so much for your replies! I've been feeling more and more like it's just not right. It's really hard to put that "first love" part aside, but I do think you both are right. Everything in this relationship is one sided. I mean he is a great guy in general. He's smart, charming, handsome, a good friend, and overall good company.


I too married my first and only true love. I had to walk away for many different reasons but now that I have years without him under my belt I am certain it would have been a mistake to stay another moment more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jb7764 (Apr 25, 2013)

How did you finally get up the courage? I keep second guessing myself. I'm worried I'll be miserable without him and thinking about him being with someone else drives me nuts. But I think that's mostly jealousy. I hate the idea of him being the way I want him with someone else. Did you have the same fears?


----------



## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

jb7764 said:


> How did you finally get up the courage? I keep second guessing myself. I'm worried I'll be miserable without him and thinking about him being with someone else drives me nuts. But I think that's mostly jealousy. I hate the idea of him being the way I want him with someone else. Did you have the same fears?


Oh dear. It took a long time. Nearly a year before I finally did. Sadly he did me a favor and cheated on me, then did another and lied to me about it. At that point regardless of all the problems that were ever present, that was the thing that broke me. When I figured it out he had been sneaking around on me for months, maybe a year. I'll never know because he never told me the truth and now he never will. 
What helped me formulate a plan to get away from him, far away, because he wasn't just going to let me move across town, was talking with my family. Mom, sister and dad. My best friend came to visit for a week and she saw what I physically had become and knew I needed to get the hell out of there. I was skin and bones. (And I'm a normal healthy sized woman). It was a culmination of not just the events with him but the encouragement of those close to me. Even coworkers who saw me everyday noticed a significant physical and emotional change in me. If I didn't leave I'm not sure where I would be right now, or if... 
This board helped a lot in the beginning stages of finding answers and courage and helped me to stop the constant self doubt and second guessing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jb7764 (Apr 25, 2013)

That sounds extremely difficult to go through. I'm sorry you had to, but it definitely sounds like it was for the best. 

My H isn't really doing anything like that that could jump start the separation. Other then the lack of affection/sex he's faithful and good man. I just need more then what he's able/willing to give. And I hate begging for what I need. I shouldn't have to. What the first person who replied said was true and I've been thinking about that a lot. I really want to have a relationship that's balanced in control. I've always had to beg on some level for something from him. 

He does play a lot of video games. He restarted playing WoW right after our fight and didn't even talk to me about it. He skips school constantly which drives me nuts. In one term he misses more school then I did in the entire 3 years I went to school. And he's doesn't like to do anything active. I always thought that by time I was this age I would be into all kinds of traveling and hiking and other active things. But we do nothing. The best I can get is a walk with the dog, but to get him to go with me I have to, again, beg. For all but one of our anniversaries we have gone to dinner and a movie. At our 5 year we actually went to the beach for the weekend and had a really good time, but we haven't done that since. He's surprised me with a random day trip to the beach once in the almost 8 years we've been married. So he's capable of what I want, he just doesn't do it. Even though he knows I want it.

I want more romance, but I know I have my own issues too and I'm not perfect either. I start to feel guilty after thinking about all this stuff that he doesn't do because I have things that I don't do for him. I don't really have that desire to go out of my way for him anymore, so sometimes I feel like it's my fault he's the way he is. Like I don't make him want to be better for me.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Sorry to hear about your pain. IMHO, you would be far better off in dumping him, because he's giving you a huge preview of what married life would be like with him.

You deserve far better, and in time, you'll find that very special guy that will truly come to mean the absolute world to you! Only worry about yourself for the time being. You are the one who is important right now ~ not him!

Best of luck to you my dear!


----------



## jb7764 (Apr 25, 2013)

We've already been married for almost 8 years. But I feel like I'm missing out on a lot of important parts that should be in a relationship. I guess I just grew and realized there could be more? I don't know, but I do know that I want more. And I'm not sure he could give it. Or is even willing to give it. He says he is, and he's been trying to be more affectionate, but he still rejects me daily. 

Right now I'm trying to figure out what I should do. I told him I would give him a chance to try to fix things, but I've already kind of made up my mind. I don't really think that he could change my mind, but shouldn't I still give him that chance?


----------

