# Sex is boring...



## pleiades72 (Dec 28, 2012)

This is my first post. 

I have been with my wife for 14 years now. The sex in the begiining was great, and we had passion. She was working out and thick, not thin runner type. I like my woman to be a woman and not boney. Just my preference. 

Over the years she gain over 100 lbs. Weight isn't the factor here. She is still to woman I feel in love with. I am 6 feet tall @225 lbs. I exercise using weights and I am fit. I take care of myself physically, by looking my best for her. I have been told I am attractive and many woman approach me. She has high blood pressure and gets winded in short walks. I have done everything from Diets with her, working out, encouraging, told her my feelings and concerns over the past couple years. Now she is pre-menapause. Sigh! I am 39 and she is 45. 

My wife doesn't care enough about herself to do as I do. I do 90% of the cooking, cleaning. 100% of the house up keep, such as the yard and inside, repairing things that break, and updating the house, car repairs and upkeep. I am a detail oriented man with prior military past. Just trying to paint a picture. 

The problem is that there is no passion anymore, nothing. She lays there on her side as I do my best to get her going. She does nothing to get me in the mood, or start anything. So there are times that I can't perform completely and go soft or can't ejactulate. She feels I am to busy worrying about other things in life and that is what makes me lose sight of what we are doing. Wrong! It isn't that. I feel less attracted to her due to her not making me feel loved, and watching her go down hill do to her health and weight. 

Is this a normal way to be, because it is waring on me. I need the affection, touching, and kissing, and her willing to do what it takes to make me happy. Maybe it is her weight that is making her not feel sexy or desireable. I don't know. 

Anyone else have this same issue?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

You sound almost identical to me. 6ft 2 at 230 lbs. I'm 39

My wife is 35, 5 ft 8 at 230 lbs

I'm fit like you, do most of the chores, landscaping, errands, etc.

Married 13 years, been together almost 15 years now.

Scary how similar you guys are compared to my wife and I.


I've learned that how she feels about her body, self esteem = sex drive. If you're fit and she isn't that makes it worse, for me anyway.

I too like a woman that isn't skin and bones. She has to have meat on her bones, thick but not very fat is fine with me.

Guys at the shop told me when women hit menopause, they gain a lot of weight and lose their sex drive.


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## pleiades72 (Dec 28, 2012)

Good to feel I am not alone... So are you wanting to get up and leave the situation? Or do you feel trapped like me?


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

pleiades72 said:


> Over the years she gain over 100 lbs. Weight isn't the factor here. She is still to woman I feel in love with.


It might not be a factor to you, but I bet it is to her. 



pleiades72 said:


> She has high blood pressure and gets winded in short walks.


Not many people who get winded from walks typically swing from chandeliers during sex. Weight is an issue.



pleiades72 said:


> I have done everything from Diets with her, working out, encouraging, told her my feelings and concerns over the past couple years. Now she is pre-menapause. Sigh! I am 39 and she is 45.


She doesn't want to lose the weight or feel the need to do anything. You know why? Here it is...



pleiades72 said:


> I do 90% of the cooking, cleaning. 100% of the house up keep, such as the yard and inside, repairing things that break, and updating the house, car repairs and upkeep. I am a detail oriented man with prior military past.


What's her motivation to do anything when you'll do all of it? Why would she put a priority on improving herself (and her sex drive) when you're catering to her and doing everything for her?

Additionally, rule number one on this message board for men is that chores does not = sex. She doesn't get horny watching you wheel trash bins down to the curb.



pleiades72 said:


> The problem is that there is no passion anymore, nothing. She lays there on her side as I do my best to get her going. She does nothing to get me in the mood, or start anything.


And what's her motivation to do so? You are right to think sex should be an important factor for her, but the reality is that it isn't important to her. You need to find out how to make it important.



pleiades72 said:


> So there are times that I can't perform completely and go soft or can't ejactulate. She feels I am to busy worrying about other things in life and that is what makes me lose sight of what we are doing. Wrong! It isn't that. I feel less attracted to her due to her not making me feel loved, and watching her go down hill do to her health and weight.


And have you told her this?


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

Telling your wife she's fat is a minefield....

.. and even if it doesn't bother you, it can affect their health, and self-esteem, which impacts their sex drive.

If you can find a way to suggest she loses weight, it might be good for both of you. If you do it tactfully.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I would say it would be one thing if she was trying to get healthy and was struggling however it must be difficult to respect someone who is just letting themselves go. 

It's sad but one observation I've made over the years is many men and women only start working on their appearance once they're looking to attract someone other than their spouse. (i.e. when they're looking to cheat or after a divorce). It's like as long as they have the comfort of knowing their spouse is with them they are complacent. If only they would put as much effort into being attractive to their spouse they would not need to look outside the marriage.

I'm wondering if you need to put the fear of losing you into your wife to motivate her to start taking better care of herself.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I've learned to be more alpha but never tell her she's fat or needs to lose weight. Unless she is a emotionally tough woman, that's a box you never want to open!!! Buy healthier food choices, perhaps a tread mill in the room, she might use? Go for brisk walks with her, give her hints.


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## pleiades72 (Dec 28, 2012)

MaritimeGuy said:


> I would say it would be one thing if she was trying to get healthy and was struggling however it must be difficult to respect someone who is just letting themselves go.
> 
> It's sad but one observation I've made over the years is many men and women only start working on their appearance once they're looking to attract someone other than their spouse. (i.e. when they're looking to cheat or after a divorce). It's like as long as they have the comfort of knowing their spouse is with them they are complacent. If only they would put as much effort into being attractive to their spouse they would not need to look outside the marriage.
> 
> I'm wondering if you need to put the fear of losing you into your wife to motivate her to start taking better care of herself.




I have been working out for many years before and during my marriage. 2 years ago I almost left her and I told her everything I was feeling. I stayed because I care about her still, but nothing ever changes. Even when I do less. It just piles up and I have to work twice as hard on top of working out, and working overtime sometimes.


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

My mother-in-law had some wieght related health issues - I mentioned them, and told my wife I hoped she didn't get them too ... that was as close as I dared to go to the subject.

(She was never that overweight - and she's done some thing about it now - today she bought her first pair of skinny jeans in a long time, which made her very happy!)

Sex has got a little more frequent too ... she enjoys showing herself off more ...


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## pleiades72 (Dec 28, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> I've learned to be more alpha but never tell her she's fat or needs to lose weight. Unless she is a emotionally tough woman, that's a box you never want to open!!! Buy healthier food choices, perhaps a tread mill in the room, she might use? Go for brisk walks with her, give her hints.


We have a $1200 tread mill downstairs that sits there collecting dust. I never use it because it messes with my balance. Inner ear thing. So it has been used maybe 20 times in the past 4 years.v


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

pleiades72 said:


> I have been working out for many years before and during my marriage. 2 years ago I almost left her and I told her everything I was feeling. I stayed because I care about her still, but nothing ever changes. Even when I do less. It just piles up and I have to work twice as hard on top of working out, and working overtime sometimes.


She really has no reason to change. You're taking care of all her needs and will not leave her.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

Your wife's lack of motivation could be due to depression. Before my depression was treated I used to binge eat and my house was a horrible mess because I wasn't motivated. Some antidepressants cause low libido and weight gain. There is one that suppresses appetite and causes women to have more sexual fantasies. It is even because investigated as a drug for sex therapy. It is called Wellbutrin. I would suggest your wife see a psychiatrist and ask about this. I took this. I am now down to a size 6.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

CuddleBug said:


> Guys at the shop told me when women hit menopause, they gain a lot of weight and lose their sex drive.


Not necessarily. Otherwise every woman 50 and over would be obese and not have sex, which definitely isn't the case. There are lots of healthy, athletic and sexual women over 50. Sometimes women need hormone therapy. It's something to see a doctor about. 

But I gotta say there is NO excuse for a woman (or man) being 300lbs. I'm sorry but that's just digusting.


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## lovemylife (Feb 13, 2012)

I think my first step would be medical evaluation. Many health issues can be going on that need to be taken care of. Not feeling good physically or emotionally will have a major impact on sex drive. 

Once any possible health issues are being worked on and improved, then some of your concerns may improve as a result.

When a person is overweight, they can get more sensitive to comments which will lead to more self soothing with food. Overeating is often caused by an attempt to fill a void where something else is lacking or it could be a protection mechanism. Getting to the root of this will be beneficial.

Finding fun activities to do together, starting slow so she can keep up, and creating healthy food options may also be helpful. 

If you are looking toward more improvement in spice and variety, there are many books that can help inspire a couple. There are also some bloggers that have some wonderful ideas.


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

pleiades72 said:


> We have a $1200 tread mill downstairs that sits there collecting dust. I never use it because it messes with my balance. Inner ear thing. So it has been used maybe 20 times in the past 4 years.v



Maybe it sounds ridiculous but women want to be loved for the way they are. 

Now, here I am at 20, 110lbs, curvy and muscular. And I STILL get self conscious about my body.

Not saying that's an excuse for her being lazy. I admire you because I'd have an issue if my fiancé decided it was OK to get really fat and not give a toss how I felt about it. 

But if you lose your hard on during sex, that has GOT to make her feel like crap. Women are conditioned to think that since men can get it up by rubbing up against a tree, if he can't do it for them they must be ugly as sin.

Make sure she knows she is still BEAUTIFUL to you and that you want her to be the happy/healthy woman you married.

Not that you want her to lose weight so she can be more sexually appealing to you (even if this is true). That probably won't do much for her.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

In today's day and age, 21st century, there is no excuse to be very fat / obese anymore.

Eat healthier and lower portions, all throughout the day.

Many gyms all over the place, at least were I live and memberships are competitively priced.

So many supplements out there to assist people, it's crazy.

Going for brisk walks every day after work, tread mill by the tv, or go to a gym after or before work, many options out there.

To me, someone who lets them self go, very fat / obese isn't attractive to me, gross, and tells me they don't care about their health and how it effects their other half.


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