# My wife cheated



## Rymaa (Nov 5, 2011)

Hello, I have been married for only 1 year and about 3 months. I dated my wife for about 2 years before we got married. I am just as in love with her as the day that I met her. I can always tell when something is bothering my wife, and for the past couple of days I have asked her if there is anything that she would like to talk about. She admitted to me last night that she had met with an old friend three weeks ago. He was just a friend, and she had no intentions of anything happening, but for some reason she said they ended up making out, and he fingered her, and she gave him oral sex. She claimed that she didn’t even know why it happened and that it just did. She feels so bad about it, and was crying uncontrollably. I felt broken, empty, and betrayed. I started to cry and tell her that I do not understand how she could have done that to me. She didn’t know either. I have always treated her well, and she is not only my wife but my best friend. I have never considered messing around with another woman. After I calmed down, I felt like she was truly just as hurt as I am and was disappointed in herself. I told her that I forgive her, but I am disappointed in her. I told her that I do not want to divorce and that I want to have a long happy marriage with her. We just recently purchased a home, and plan to move into it in December, and we want to have kids in about 4 or 5 years. I want those things with her and no one else. The problem is, I can’t stop thinking about my wife messing around with another man. I think time will fix that, but I am afraid that it will always linger in my mind. She has a tendency to bottle up her emotions and not tell me how she fells. She thinks that might have had a role in her not stopping her friend. We talked a long time, and she has agreed to be more open with me and not hold things in. I always tell her how I fell, no matter what, but I would have to drag stuff out of her and hopefully this can strengthen our relationship with better communication. She also told me that she told the guy that it was wrong and can never happen again, she deleted him from her phone and facebook and won’t talk to him again. She claims (and I believe her) that she loves me and can’t imagine not having me as her husband.

I do not know what I want from you guys here, but any insight or helpful tips would be great. Did I do the right thing?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Under what circumstances did she meet up with old friend? Facebook ,girls night out, who is he , married, single, do you know him? More details.


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## Rymaa (Nov 5, 2011)

chapparal said:


> Under what circumstances did she meet up with old friend? Facebook ,girls night out, who is he , married, single, do you know him? More details.



He was a friend from high school. He is single. I have heard of him before because she has told me about her past, but I have never met him. She doesn't have many friends that she talks to, especially guys from high school. She is kind of a loner. He texted her and wanted to hang out, she said she didn't see any harm in it because they use to hang out in the past as friends.

She can be pretty emotionally unstable and I think that since she holds in her feelings that causes most of the problems. I am really hoping that she can open up to me.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

My fear now would be you haven't gotten the whole truth. I'm assuming she met up with friend with out telling you in advance. Where were you when all this was happening? Sounds like a date.
Do you go out separately?


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## Rymaa (Nov 5, 2011)

chapparal said:


> My fear now would be you haven't gotten the whole truth. I'm assuming she met up with friend with out telling you in advance. Where were you when all this was happening? Sounds like a date.
> Do you go out separately?


I work nights and sometimes I sleep all day. She received the text and met him all while I was sleeping and got home before I was even awake.

I feel like I am getting the whole truth. She has never lied to me before this, just held information in until I could get it out of her. She willingly told me about it without me even asking her if there was anything to talk about. I was asleep, and she woke me up crying and telling me that she understood if I wanted her to leave the house.

I talked with her and also she agreed that it might help with out marriage if I go to bed when I get home from work (around 6AM) and got up in the afternoon to spend more time with her. As of now, I will get home at 6Am and then stay away until noon, then sleep until its time to go back to work. On her off days, we don't always spend a lot of time together because of the opposite schedules. She works a nurse doing 12 hour shifts.


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## JustWaiting (Jun 28, 2011)

I'm voting for a good marriage. People do things. You want to be there for her and she says she wants to be there for you. You are saying you believe she is being honest with you. Honesty is the foundation of a good relationship. It goes along with respect. Read some DearPeggy.com. Hope the kids will be blessings.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

First. I am sorry you are here with us. Your marriage has now changed. I am sorry.

You feel like you have been betrayed by her, because you have. It is an immensely painful experience, and your feelings should not be minimized. 

If you are having trouble sleeping and anxiety it is probably a good idea to go to the Doctors. 

To get rid of some of the toxic byproducts of the adrenalin that has been releasing into your system:
Do some exercise.

The reality is that she decided to do what she did. It didn't just happen. She didn't accidentally end up giving another man oral sex. She chose to do it. 

Another reality is that it probably went further than she has told you. She will be in harm minimization mode.

The fact that she is showing remorse it a very good thing and will help you heal. At the moment it is wise to not believe too much of what she says. I know that is very hard to hear.

Yes, she has confessed and this is great. but this probably goes further back than a one off event. Possibly an Emotional Affair [EA] prior to this
Check her phone logs for texts to a single number.
Check her email accounts.

Here are the rules that will help with a successful Reconciliation.

1. Agree to NO CONTACT ever again with this guy.

2. Agree to full transparency. Open all email accounts, facebook. Myspace, phone unlocked. You are allowed to look anytime and for as long as you want.

3. She needs to tell the whole truth now. No matter how painful.
Every time you find out a little bit more it is a further betrayal. For the sake of your marriage she needs to tell you openly what happened and answer your questions as many times and as you need to ask them.

Go to Marriage Counseling . One you are both comfortable with. It may take a few tries. DO NOT sweep this affair under the rug if you want to stay married!


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

JustWaiting said:


> I'm voting for a good marriage. People do things. You want to be there for her and she says she wants to be there for you. You are saying you believe she is being honest with you. Honesty is the foundation of a good relationship. It goes along with respect. Read some DearPeggy.com. Hope the kids will be blessings.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry. This is already broken. She has been honest AFTER the fact. An affair within this short marriage is a very bad sign. 

I am pro marriage. Under all but the most extreme cases. 
In my last post I didn't say this. 

*Trust her but Verify.*


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I don't buy it that she is being truthful with you.

She is leaving out a lot. And not taking responsibility for her actions.

The way you describe her comments, that she didn't know why she didn't stop him.

Um, last time i checked, putting some guy's d!ck in her mouth seems pretty assertive to me. 

She didn't stop herself because she was doing things she wanted to do.

Right now she is dribbling out the truth to you.

Be prepared.

If I were you I would seriously reconsider this marriage.

Early cheaters tend to repeat their self destructive behavior.

And those that do not take responsibility for their actions, but can cry really well, they endlessly harm their spouse's who watch the tears, not the behavior.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Keep your guard on for sometime.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Don't buy her line "I don't know why. It just happened". She knows but doesn't want to say it out of fear of how you'll take it. I suspect that with your opposite working schedules, your love life has taken a back seat and left her in a vulnerable state for an opportunistic male to take advantage of. But there is no excuse for what she did, for she had a duty as a wife to tell you that she needed you as her lover to attend to her emotional needs. 

So what should she do? Get checked out for STDs; She willingly ends all contact with the OM (other man) FOREVER; She willingly becomes totally transparent to you - no more secrets of any kind - and she willingly goes to IC (individual counseling) to address and resolve her issue of being unable to communicate or express to you her deepest thoughts and feelings. What should you do? Get checked out for STDs; Install a GPS tracker in her car to verify her whereabouts, buy and place a VAR (voice activated recorder) underneath the driver's seat of her car; Hold off on having any children with her until she has proven herself worthy of a second chance and you feel she has made enough progress where you can trust her again - this may take anywhere from 2 to 5 years; Go to a therapist to help you to overcome the mental images of your wife with another man, consider checking into EMDR (eye movement desensitization recovery) therapy. What should you do as a couple? Arrange your work schedules so the two of you can spend more time alone as a couple, and go to couple's counseling.

If the two of you commit to do the necessary work, then there is a chance that your marriage will survive.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Agree with ing and michzz-there may be much more to this than she has told you.

But here's another consideration: even if she is tell you the truth and is fully open and remorseful, and indeed never cheats again, will you ever be able to see your marriage in the same light again? Will you ever again be able to see her go out alone, and wonder if you shouldn't tail her? Wonder if she's thinking of another man?

In short-if it was me, I'm sure that I could forgive in time, but I could never forget.


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## Turner9 (Sep 7, 2011)

WTH??! Did you do the right thing?

Perhaps by normal standards, absolutely, you did the right thing. But, this is not normal!

Let me explain, I look for two to three things, 1. Either an error in judgement, 2. Error in Heart, 3. Flat out and complete seduction.

I can forgive an error in judgement or the fact of some close friend taking advantage of her in a moment of weakness. It happens. But an error in Heart? No F**ing way! Details: They began to make out, ok..He began to finger her? (She allowed by decision to let him do this in the heat of the moment) Trust me , she had time to think about it, its not like he put his hands on her breast and then worked his way down? Or did he, all in all, She permitted it. 

2. She then (willingly!) went down on him???, performed oral sex?! WTH! I cannot even begin to tell you the thought process involved in that one, at this point, she threw alot out of the window. Whether or not she allowed him to ejaculate inside her mouth or not, would only give me another measure of how far she went in her mind and heart. 

If she was just my girlfriend? I would just break up, keep seeing her, but tell her she needs to make up her mind on what she really wants in a boyfriend etc etc. But, seeing that she is in the role of my WIFE! I would have to punch the guy in the FACE! Really Hard! To show her how Fubar the whole situation and act was. And, of course ask a few my close friends to bail me out of jail for assault and battery. 

What I am trying to say, is she has an error in Heart! not an error just in judgement! Your response was towards a person who only made an error in judgement only! Or got seduced. Neither of these where the case, you should have done more digging sir. 

She did not devulge to you the full story and that has yet to be done until she comes clean. or not. **Just deleting a person from your phone, online profile is nothing! If you still have them burning in your heart! Until you root them out via that method, nothing really changes, you just think of more deceitful ways of sneaking around. I would not get a divorce right away, forget the house! and the financial investment You two are locked into, none of that matters. 

Get a 6 month separation, Talk with your parents, her parents, etc, get more details on this friend that cared less about your marriage! He (the opportunist) will be alot more trouble down the road. Even if she stops, I believe he will continue to keep hooking up with her every chance he gets, and why not? He apparantly always wanted her, even when she is fully committed to someone else!

Look, My wife is also Nurse, I am use to the 3 12's hour shifts , and know the strain it can put on any relationship if you work opposite schedules, but no matter how much strain there is, There is not enough that can be generated for me to excuse her going Down on another Man! Period!. I am a pretty forgiving , understanding person, I take alot in before I just react! But, Dude, what are you doing??? Guard your Heart! this is not over, get the FULL Truth of what happened via ugly details. 
Q: How far back as friends do they go??? Just Highschool?
Q: How long have they been meeting up without telling you? 
Q: How far does this scum bag live from your current address? If he lives in the same neighborhood? (I hope not) Who or why did you both agree on that house location? 
Truth: She said she has no explanation why it happened? That is a Lie. 

Member: michzz said it all! correctly in a much shorter fashion. But, I am intrigued on how this turns out, Get more details , regardless of how painful. Don't do anything stupid though! no matter how angry you get, or how hurt, stay calm, just be a friend to your wife right now and a husband 2nd. Its the only way you are going to get through it. I'm feel horrible for you right now, but at least you found out now and not once you had a kid on the way.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Listen to these posters, they are gving you very hard earned lessons.

Let me replay your tale: your wife went out on a date with a guy from HS. It's a date, he texted her, asked her out, and they went out together, alone. Date.

Next they had a nice time flirting, in fact so nice that he was kissing and getting her worked up. She let him into her personal space willingly, and like the making out enough that she chose to continue it.

Things progressed enough that she wanted more, do she let him finger her, and she decided she wanted to give him a bj. Honestly, I doubt it ended there, since there really didn't seem to be any boundaries between them.

Later, she decided to come home and turn on the water works. After all a good offense is the best defense.

Then after you got over your initial shock, instead of beng angry snd her facing consequences for very seriously trashing your trust and love, you turn and say "gee honey I can see you deciding to have sex with another guy has really upset you, let's just try to forget and move on, I just hate to see you upset.

The bottom line here: hubby is a push over doormat beta, and your wife now can continue to talk with , date, and have sex with other men at will, without consequence. Well so long as she feels huts awful about cheating on you.

Sir, you are dealing with this very badly, and she is not only loosing respect for you by the minute because you have accepted another taking your wife, you have made the OM even more attractive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bartimaus (Oct 15, 2011)

OP, I think I would stay together because it sounds like she feels alot of remorse and has confessed.
But,this doesn't always prove to be an indication that they will not do it again. It just means that she feels bad and knows she did wrong. The good indication of that though is that she told you,she did confess! Unless she knew that someone else would tell you about it and wanted to confess before they told you. Who knows?
But this can prove out to be something good or prove to be a stumbling block for ever. It depends on if the two of you can get counciling and work through this and if she has a made up mind to never do it again. This is possible!
But there are some men and women alike that can't say 'NO' when approached or confronted with a safe opportunity to cheat. Who knows what she will do but I would try to keep the marriage together. Good luck.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Rymaa said:


> He was just a friend, and she had no intentions of anything happening, but for some reason she said they ended up making out, and he fingered her, and she gave him oral sex.


 She may not be telling you everything. In fact I doubt that she is. They also did not just happen to have sex (oral is sex). They needed to go someplace private to do this. Additionally, you need to know why she would give him oral sex, as this was to please him and not her. For you to heal, you need for her to tell you everything that really happened.



Rymaa said:


> I work nights and sometimes I sleep all day. She received the text and met him all while I was sleeping and got home before I was even awake.


 Where you aware that she was in communications with this man? Where you aware that she was meeting up with this man even as just friends?

For many her actions would be a deal breaker. They feel this way because the marriage will never be like it was before. So early in the marriage with no kids, divorce would be a logical result for them. On the other hand, you did not learn of this on your own. She told you out of guilt. This shows true signs of remorse.

No matter what you say now, after only 3 weeks you do not know yet if this will lead to divorce or not. It takes years to get over such things and during those years you may learn that you cannot get over it and that it was a deal breaker after all. If you do decide to stay in the marriage it is very important that you not forgive too easy or too fast. There must be consequences for her actions. No consequences will increase the odds of her doing it again.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I agree with the other posters. She is in damage control. She is putting a spin on things. I think it was pre-planned. While you are sleeping she goes out and meets this friend and she admits he fingered her and she also gives him oral sex. Her response is that she does not why?.......Oh Please. She cheated on you after a little more than 1 year in the marriage because she wanted to do it.

I doubt you have the full story and I would question the future of your marriage. It really seems she is manipulating you very well and she is playing the victim card except that she is not the victim. Why in the world would you immediately forgive her for cheating on you while you are sleeping? I am afraid that you are in big time denial.


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## Rymaa (Nov 5, 2011)

Hello guys, Original poster here..... I finally got a few hours of sleep.

The way that I interpreted it, is that she has not met with him prior to the time that they cheated. Other than the fact that they were high school friends. She is working today, and will not be home until late. I plan to talk to her more about it, and she if I can find anymore truth. I want the relationship to heal, but I need complete honesty from her now and in the future. It pains me to think that she would do it again, but if she did it once then it could happen again. What hurts the most is like what a bunch of you said, is that she let him kiss her, let him finger her, and she pleasured him. Where was I? At home sleeping, and she forgot about me long enough to fill a need that she could have worked out with me and gave him what should be between us ONLY. We have a healthy sex life. We will have sex everyday, sometimes twice. That is another reason why I do not understand why she cheated on me.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

As I said in my previous post, your wife needs to go to IC to address and resolve her issues of not being able to open up to you and her inability to enforce marital boundaries that would have prevented her from betraying you. Until she does that, you need to put the marriage on probation.


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## Rymaa (Nov 5, 2011)

morituri said:


> As I said in my previous post, your wife needs to go to IC to address and resolve her issues of not being able to open up to you and her inability to enforce marital boundaries that would have prevented her from betraying you. Until she does that, you need to put the marriage on probation.



I starting googling marriage counselors, but I have not had the opportunity to talk to her about going individually. I will be talking with her again tonight and will show her this post to see what her reactions are. 

Putting our marriage on probation is not that easy to do because we don't have anywhere to go to be separated. I also feel like to get through this, I need her company.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Rymaa said:


> I want the relationship to heal


 Stop saying that. You are letting her off the hook too easy. She will sense that there will be no serious consequences for her actions which increases the odds of her doing it again. There needs to be fear in her heart that you are considering leaving her. If you stay she must realize just how close she almost came to losing you. Start talking about maybe leaving her.

Whatever you do, do not show her this thread. If she sees this thread she will know just how easy you were willing to forgive her and will be tempted to do it again.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Rymaa,

Its common to focus on the sex acts she did, but I think you also need to focus on the decisions she made before she let that finger in her. She let it progress from a text to physical contact. Each step she should have stopped it, yet she let it progress.

So go back to the beginning. The fishing from another guy to meet up with her. Then work from there.

Needless to say - she has lost the ability to respond to texts from guys or to meet up with them.

Unless she was super drunk when she got the text, she was in full control each step. she decided to let it move to more and more.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Rymaa said:


> I starting googling marriage counselors, but I have not had the opportunity to talk to her about going individually. I will be talking with her again tonight and will show her this post to see what her reactions are.
> 
> Putting our marriage on probation is not that easy to do because we don't have anywhere to go to be separated. I also feel like to get through this, I need her company.


What I meant by putting the marriage on 'probation' is not for the two of you to separate legally but for you not let her believe that her betrayal can be swept under the rug and that the marriage will not end. 

You have to be strong enough to convey to her than unless she resolves those issues I pointed out through IC therapy, that you will end the marriage.

Victims of sexual abuse often tend to keep their abuse from their past a secret from their spouses and act out in ways similar to your wife's. Maybe that is something that you should enquire in to.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The last thing you want to do is show her this thread.

This is for you, to help you navigate a bad situation, to get ideas and bounce your ideas off of peolple who have similar experiences.

This is your ace in the hole, do not play it.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Who goes out on a "date" when their spouse is asleep? Seriously?

Who does that type of sh*t?

And why would you want to stay married with someone who can do that type of sh*t to you? Especially if there are no kids.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

You have been married only for a year or so. And she's already pulling this behavior with you.

Get out before you have kids, mortgage, and invested more years into the marriage.

The various prices you pay now for the divorce is nothing compare to what it'll cost down the road.


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## Rymaa (Nov 5, 2011)

I agree. It is a load of garbage that she did that to me. However, I am entitled to forgive her. I would not consider it, if I didn't think she was sincere in her apology and truly regretting it. 

A lot of you seem to think that I should get out now, but I do love her. I want there to be a future. I do not want a repeat of this, and I plan on making it more clear that it can't be forgotten or reversed. I have e-mailed a therapist that I wouldn't mind going to see with her. I do think that maybe she should she a therapist on her own also.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

I think you're may be still in the honeymoon phase. And she's not.

You're right -- you're entitled to give reconciliation a try. But may I suggest you dont have kids yet?

Also, get yourself tested for a full panel of STDs. Your wife too.

And, keep some of your own assets protected (and hidden from your wife) just in case. And no joint bank accounts or credit cards.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

You seem to project your feelings onto her. Just becasue you see her in such good light, it does not mean she is indeed such a wonderful person. I suspect there is something broken inside her that led to this. Either she has been deceiving you the whole time what her true character is, or something dysfunctional inside her led her to do this so nonchalantly. 

She needs MC or IC to address the core issue behind this action. If you do not address this now, the chances are high that she will do this again, and I guarantee you that the next time she won't confess to you so easily and will be very deceptive about it. This kind of action does not happen out of blue or a momentary lapse in judgement. She just met him and gave him a BJ, just like that? There is much more to it than you have been led to believe. 

From her confession, she does seem to feel guilt. This guilt is also based on how nice you have been to her. But, your marraige is young, and marriage will have a ups and downs in the future. If this is the kind of behavior she shows so early in the marriage, which is practically in honeymoon period, when you have been so good to her, how do you see her behave when you guys go thru a rough patch? 

Do not be so forgiving. It would be nothing more than a rugsweeping. This does not solve the issue. Setting aside your lovey dovey description of her, an affair this early in the marriage is a huge red flag. If you had not shown your strong desire to stay married to her, I would have advised you to divorce her immediately. You guys don't even have kids yet. 

You can even demand polygraph to see if that is all that happened. Despite her confession, there is chance that it was more than that. It may have been going on for a while, or the sex act was more involved than that. You have to dig it further instead of just forgiving her and moving on.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

sadcalifornian said:


> She needs MC or IC to address the core issue behind this action. If you do not address this now, the chances are high that she will do this again, and I guarantee you that the next time she won't confess to you so easily and will be very deceptive about it. This kind of action does not happen out of blue or a momentary lapse in judgement.



True this. The second "date" is always easier than the first. Similar to the principle of "practice makes perfect".


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you checked emails ,facebook, text logs etc.?


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I am sorry Rymaa but when a young wife allows another man to finger her and her giving him oral sex when her husband is home sleeping; and then keep telling you that she does not why she did it is simply crazy. 

Look, she set up a meeting with this guy. She goes to meet him while you are sleeping. She allows him to start kissing her. Why in the hell did she not say I just got married and immediately leave? She then according to her allows him to finger her and she then proceeds to pleasure him all the while telling you she does not why she allows this????...............This is such bull ****. Did she have a gun pointed at her head? Would she give oral sex to any man who asked her????. She deliberately engaged in these sexual activities because she wanted to do so. If she did not wish to do it she would not have done it.

The fact that you have sex with her every day is telling. She clearly does not understand what it means to be married. Maybe you should ask her what does her wedding vows mean to her? Sorry but she clearly does not respect you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Married just 1 year and 3 months and your wife is meeting another man. Not only does she meet another man but starts to make out with him? Then he fingers her? Then she performs oral sex on him!? Ummmm. Seriously!? Now add on top of this that you probably are not getting the whole truth. 

No kids. Have not moved into the new house yet. She is already cheating on you. Do not have children with her. Once there are kids she is likely to make a life style out of this and you will want o stay anyway for the sake of the kids. 

You dodged a bullet. 

It just happened. Like tripping on something. She does not know why. Wow. No boundaries and she is selfish maybe.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Listen to these posters, they are gving you very hard earned lessons.
> 
> Let me replay your tale: your wife went out on a date with a guy from HS. It's a date, he texted her, asked her out, and they went out together, alone. Date.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Oh and go get tested for STDs.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

I don't know why I did it. She knows why she did it exactly, she wanted it and needed it, pure and simple. Sneaked out while you were sleeping then came home before you woke up, it was planned way ahead of time.

This wasn't a, OMG it just happened, saw him in a crowd, we talked and one thing led to another. She set up an appointment, snuck out, did the dirty and snuck back in.

It's like the murderer, I didn't mean for it to happen even though I bought the gun, followed them around, hid in the bushes then put one in the back of the head. I don't know why I did it, it just happened.

BS, no alcohol, no drugs so she willing spread her legs to be fingered and then went down on him of her own free will. She cannot say she doesn't know why.

It's your choice to forgive, she's not our wife but you should really weigh the options for someone who would go through so much trouble to do something she doesn't know why she did it.

IT WAS PLANNED.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Hey Ryma
I know all this seems extreme. I know it all seems like we are bitter and twisted. But we had/have marriages that were/are wonderful. 
We have loved completely and we have had our hearts ripped out by the person we loved so much. Some of us after most of our lives together.

It is hard to believe a lot of the things we post. I was like you Ryma: 
I wanted to believe her. 
I wanted to fix things. 
I wanted to make it better.



*You are in denial*
This is the normal first reaction. We want you to get angry!

Even if you are angry with us when you see the coarse and rude things we say about the love of your life. 
Your brain trying to deal with this and at the moment not allowing you to see the facts. 
It is normal. 

You are struggling because you can not believe that the woman you love has just thought so little of you. 
She wasn't inhabited by alien forces. She went on a date and had sex with another man while you were sleeping at home.

*Anger is stage two, *

This allows you to actually see this for what it is and act 
You will flip flop between "I can't believe it" and "shaking rage" for some time. 
This is normal too. 

I know it is hard to believe, but people act in pretty much the same way in an affair. They all do and say pretty much the same things. It is called the script. 

*Deal breakers and Boundaries*
For some a PA is a deal breaker. For some an EA is a deal breaker. That is why you see. "Divorce her" for others it is not. You have to set your own boundaries. 
For some an open marriage is okay too. It is about what you are happy with. Not anyone else. You.

*The bottom line* 
Nobody here wants to see you hurt more than you have already been hurt. we are trying to help you avoid at least some pain and recover.


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## Bartimaus (Oct 15, 2011)

Rymaa,heed the warnings here that you are getting.
You remind me of myself so much when the soon to be ex and I were only married for about a year. She left me and was supposedly living with a female cousin that I had never heard of before. But within minutes after I called her and asked her to come back and she says ok....I am looking out my back window of my house and see a car slowing...she is in there and is way over towards the passenger seat door.A man is driving and as he slows to let her out he is looking at her with an evil grin, She comes in the house and withdraws for three days.She eats very littte food,says very little and seems totally withdrawn from me and life. I later figure that she is probably in a type of remorse for being that man's xxxxx for the last several days. Remorse or sadness or crying can mean sorry for her sins and wrong but it DOES NOT ABSOLUTELY MEAN THAT SHE REGRETS DOING YOU WRONG!!! I of course ask her who was the man and why the look he gave you and she says she doesn't know why the look and says he is her female cousins hubby.But,,the female cousin and her hubby were supposed to be seperated before she left me,so now the story changes.
I am sorry for you because you seem to perhaps be in love with a woman that can't help herself with that aquaintance and perhaps around all other men. 
Boil this all down and look at the facts of what actually did happen.
I did what you are wanting to do because it seems the right thing to do but now...after years of the same thing...nope! She deliberatly cheated,had preplanned sex and will more than likely do it again. And...according to the law of the land,you now have legitimate reason for divorce. 
Oh but I see your heart brother and the pain you must be going through and the denial you are trying. But boil it all down and see that she deliberatly cheated and will more than likely do it again and again forever. Been there and endured the pain.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

JustWaiting said:


> I'm voting for a good marriage. People do things. You want to be there for her and she says she wants to be there for you. You are saying you believe she is being honest with you. Honesty is the foundation of a good relationship. It goes along with respect. Read some DearPeggy.com. Hope the kids will be blessings.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah, me too. After all it was just a little BJ and fingering. Have those kids asap, and make sure you never, ever bring this up again, as to do so would be abusive:scratchhead:


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## Bartimaus (Oct 15, 2011)

Arnold said:


> Yeah, me too. After all it was just a little BJ and fingering. Have those kids asap, and make sure you never, ever bring this up again, as to do so would be abusive:scratchhead:


Hehehe,Arnold that is [[[NOT FUNNY]]] lol.
But you are right.Ever wonder how many cheating wives turned theri heart broken and devastated husbands into alcoholics and then divoced him because he was an alcoholic? Or how many women leave their husband and accuse him of a bad temper and violence when all the time the temper was because the wife was a serial cheater and drove him to insanity? This is not a rant towards women but those(like my wife, sister and niece) that cheat for years but blame the husband for all the problems.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

My $0.02 here is in order to prevent this from happening again, its not so much what you can do, but what she can.

Your chick needs to face the ugly fact on why she did it. Why did she not stop after the OM leaned into kiss her. Here lack off boundries is most concerning and until she finds her self and decides to be the women....wife that is capable of resisting this kid of seduction.

Granted she was naive in the fact why this "friend" wanted to meet, but the simple fact that his advances were not rejected tells me your wife needs some perfessional help in understanding *why*. 

Again prevention is what I'm all about. I too forgave my fWW now its on her to fix here self or else!

Its great that you are working on being a better H for a better M, but it is all her to have the healthy boundries that will prevent this from happening 5 or 10 years from now. And trust me She may not cheat next month or next year, but it will happen many years from now, when the pain of the 1st time fades.

So again its very important she understands the "why"


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I would be curious as to why she met him in the first place. This is more telling than the BJ. Is he an ex, a facebook thing that she wished she had dated? She wanted to but why? And if she did why the sudden remorse? Were they drinking or getting high?


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## Rymaa (Nov 5, 2011)

The other guy was a friend from high school. They use to hang out in the past because they were friends. I am sure that he wanted to be more than friends because in my opinion, guys don’t want to be friends with girls. My wife admitted to the fact that he had been texting her since the summer. There was not any flirting, but just talking. He asked her to go over once before and she said no. According to my wife, she was scared about our marriage. She was scared that I didn’t love her, or wasn’t going to love her. She was upset about many things, but kept it all bottled in. She said she tried to talk to me about some stuff but was unsuccessful. I always would say when she got emotional that I ignored her because I knew she would get over it. It was just something that I said, I really did listen and care, but since I said that I ignored her it caused her to be upset inside and maybe made it hard for her to talk to me. Anyways, he asked her to come over again and she said she felt like going and she felt like doing what she did when it happened. She said she came home, and cried, and cried anytime she was alone and couldn’t believe that she did what she did and almost decided not to tell me at all due to fear of me leaving her. She cut off all connections with him and told me about it. She said she expected me to leave or ask her to leave and a divorce to happen. I let her know exactly how I felt, that I couldn’t believe that after only a year, that she could push me aside and forget about me and pleasure another man without thinking about my feelings. I am a man that shows no emotion, and I can say that I have not cried in 10 years. I am more of a bottle it up and show anger guy, but over the past 2 days, I have been sobbing like a baby. I asked her over and over again how she felt about marriage and if she wanted to be with me. I told her that if there was any doubt in her mind about being married to me, or that if she did not truly love me then we made a mistake and that we needed to divorce. She broke down in tears and apologized, and said that she hated herself and that it is killing her to see me so hurt and that she would do anything to take it back. She claims that she loves me and wants to be with me and promised me that it would never happen again. I know that it is her fault that she did what she did, but I have been reading other sources online and believe that I could have played a part in it also. If I was a better husband then this could have been avoided also. I should have done a better job of listening to her, and talking her through the problems and getting them off her chest. I should have also been more encouraging and spent more time with her. 

*Some things we discussed to improve our marriage*

Obviously, she will not talk to the other man ever again and I will have full access to her e-mail, text, and phone.

We will not use the phrase “I do not care or it doesn’t matter” with each other. An example of how this affected our marriage is the other day I was playing Xbox and she was painting and I turned back and asked “Hey, want me to get off so that we can hang out?” She replied “It does not matter, I am fine painting. What do you want to do?” I basically said “I don’t care; I am fine playing games or hanging out.” Basically, we did separate things, when I should have just got off and spent time with her. She has done the same to me, and we plan to let each other know exactly what we want
.
She said that she will be completely honest with me and let me know any time that something is bothering her or needs to get something off her chest.

I am going to start coming home from work and going to bed so that I can get up in the afternoon and spend time with her before I go to work.

Another problem that she has had with our marriage is that she thinks we have nothing in common. I want to play games and watch football. She hates football and video games. About all we do is watch TV. She has asked me many times to go jogging with her, but I refused. I will start jogging with her, and maybe look for other activities that we can do as a couple and enjoy together.

That is about all I can think about right now…. I know that many of you want me to walk away while I still can, but the truth is that I am the only one that knows my wife and I do honestly and with all of my heart feel her forgiveness, sorrow, pain, and regret for the actions she placed. Her seeing me in so much pain has made her forever sorry and she knows that she can’t take it back and feels like she owes me by making it up to me the rest of her life.

When I told her that I loved her, that I wanted to stay married to her and work things out, she cried and apologized. Me forgiving her and wanting to stay with her makes her feel even worse about cheating on me. She told me that it hurts so bad that it would be easier if I just yelled at her, and asked for a divorce (which she doesn’t want). She wants to work things out and stay married just as much as I do.

She told me that she loved me more than anything in the world. I believe it, but it is hard to not throw in comments like” It sucks that you have to cheat on me to find that out.” If I want the marriage to heal, I feel like I need to forget and not even think about comments like that. If she is truly sorry, then it won’t happen again and we should be able to overcome this and have a stronger marriage.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You cannot just forget, and sweep this thing under the rug

True, There is accountability on her part, in that she is remorseful, contrite, and willing to take boundaries

You probably have identified, and hopefully corrected some of your marital problems----BUT------

There is something else there---that would allow a newly married (one year in) to sneak off with another man, and allow him to have sex with her----and you REALLY DO NOT KNOW EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED, as she is telling you what she wants you to know---if she did allow him inside of her, and in thinking about it, why would that not have happened, as she did everything else, but you knowing she had taken another man inside of her, might just be enuff to cause you to leave

There is a problem, and it needs to be fixed---a newly married, even with the reasons of improper communication, would not let another man "take her"---she would still be in hot passion/infatuated with her H., and wouldn't even see another man exist, she would be to in love, and would shut anyone else down.

Your wife, months into the mge., is corresponding with an old friend from high school, and ended up having sex, one time that she admitted to

What you gotta understand is, she snuck off, while you slept---how do you know this didn't occur many times----you only know what she wants you to know

What we all know is, she knows how to lie, decieve, manipulate, plan, and carry out trysts with another man/men----and she hid it well, even while coming home to you night after night, looking you in the eyes, and saying everything was fine

Please do not throw in excuses for her, cuz she did all of the above, for a period of time, and you never knew it

She didn't love you enuff to stay away from another man/men, and no matter how you wanna spin it, it happened

Another question becomes why did she admit her tryst---she had gotten away with it, you never knew----was her lover pressing her for other things, and threatening to tell you, blackmailing her------what you are going thru---just isn't as simple as ---I did it, forgive, and forget, and sweep it under the rug----

There are reasons why this happened, especially to a spouse this early in a mge., and before you even think of R., you had better find out WHY, and fix the problem----or she will cheat again.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

She does show remorse and seems willing to do anything for reconciliation. I agree with JNJ that despite the reasoning of what might have contributed to her A, a healthy and moral human being does not resort to what she did, especially so early in the marriage. She has something else deep down that caused this behavior which you have not figured out yet. You really need some professional help from IC or MC to address this. 

I don't mean to sound pessimistic, but the chances are high that she will do this again.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She knew what he had in mind, based on her rejection the first times he asked, but she kept taking to him....

She is telling you btw, that she needs you to give her severe consequences to help her feel better. Basically she knows what she chose to do was wrong, but she hasn't got the personal emotional spine to know what to do about accepting her guilt.

Seriously, you both need counseling on dealing with this, at a minimum some books on getting over cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Not to pile on, but she planned her date while you were asleep, made sure she was home before you woke up, with a man you didn't know was in the picture. This was a planned infidelity. She knows exactly why it happened. She wanted it to. She just didn't anticipate the level of guilt she would feel.

And if infidelity WAS planned, adult non-virgins don't plan hookups to give each other hand-jobs. And the only reason they didn't have sex was because he ejaculated before it happened. Think about that before she kisses you again.

No kids until this is settled. Kids DO NOT make problem marriages better.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I knew it as I previously stated that she knew exactly why she did it. Her initial comment that she did not know why she it was clearly ridiculous. She sounds very very manipulative and devious to me.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

I can't shake the feeling that you are rugsweeping this matter and this will bite you back years later. At least, demand poly.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Hmmm...wonder if she gave him the old "I was crying and thinking of you the whole time I was with him" line.


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

Rymaa,

if nothing else, you need to install a key logger on your computers and also get access to her text log if you can. You need to undergo a period of making sure the affair has not continued. 

We have seen many many many many many many many many people "think" it is handled, only to find the affair went underground, was much more than they thought and are devastated as a result. 

1st rule, you MUST protect YOURSELF above all else.

Q~


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

*shakes head*

Looks like yet another case of 










The denial is strong with this one folks.


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## ArabianKnight (Jul 24, 2011)

it sounds to me or you are trying to make it indian love story. 

whatever man, you came her for help and advice. you need to check your records, do some more detective work yourself. check her emails face books etccc...

love and crying and sobbing dont fix marriages. women/men tend to hide what really happened.


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

sadcalifornian said:


> She does show remorse and seems willing to do anything for reconciliation. I agree with JNJ that despite the reasoning of what might have contributed to her A, a healthy and moral human being does not resort to what she did, especially so early in the marriage. She has something else deep down that caused this behavior which you have not figured out yet. You really need some professional help from IC or MC to address this.
> 
> I don't mean to sound pessimistic, but the chances are high that she will do this again.


I agree completely, she will almost definitely do something like this again unless whatever issues are behind her unfaithfulness get dealt with. It's a great sign that she is remorseful and wants to fix things, you need to use this opportunity to get her the help she needs.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Rymaa said:


> My wife admitted to the fact that he had been texting her since the summer. There was not any flirting, but just talking. He asked her to go over once before and she said no. According to my wife, she was scared about our marriage. She was scared that I didn’t love her, or wasn’t going to love her. She was upset about many things, but kept it all bottled in. She said she tried to talk to me about some stuff but was unsuccessful. I always would say when she got emotional that I ignored her because I knew she would get over it. It was just something that I said, I really did listen and care, but since I said that I ignored her it caused her to be upset inside and maybe made it hard for her to talk to me. Anyways, he asked her to come over again and she said she felt like going and she felt like doing what she did when it happened.


 What she just said was that she had a secret emotional affair before she let it become a physical affair and that “she felt like going and she felt like doing what she did when it happened”. She also did not show true remorse because she blame shifted and you bought into the blame shifting. The fact is that all marriages have issues. If you think you have issues now wait until you have children or health issues to deal with. The difference between good spouses and cheating spouses is that good spouses deal with the issues without cheating and cheating spouses use these normal issues as excuses to blame shift so that they can cheat. Your wife is not a good spouse she is a cheating spouse plain and simple. 



Rymaa said:


> She told me that she loved me more than anything in the world. I believe it, but it is hard to not throw in comments like” It sucks that you have to cheat on me to find that out.” If I want the marriage to heal, I feel like I need to forget and not even think about comments like that. If she is truly sorry, then it won’t happen again and we should be able to overcome this and have a stronger marriage.


 It is not true that for your marriage to heal you need to “need to forget”. That is only the line of bull cheaters always sell to the betrayed spouse, and again you bought into it. 

She cheated, blamed shifted to you, you agreed to forgive and to forget (you cannot even bring it up again), all this without consequences. You are a cheaters dream come true in a spouse. So far you are following the cheaters script so that she will feel safe cheating again. You will of course ignore this truth and over the years will suffer in this marriage.

I will not give you advice on what to do because you are not really listening right now. When you write again in the future shocked that she did it again, maybe then you will listen to what we are all saying.


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

MrK said:


> This was a planned infidelity. She knows exactly why it happened. She wanted it to. She just didn't anticipate the level of guilt she would feel.


There was definitely some level of planning, and her inability to explain why it happened is disingenuous or evidence she has a severe deficit of self-awareness, but regardless of whether she didn't anticipate the guilt it did exist. She cheated and felt so guilty she confessed. Maybe not a full confession (are they ever?), but enough of one for him to know he had been betrayed. I think she deserves a lot of credit for that, she recognized that she had done a terrible wrong and then she chose to do right.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

I'm even wondering if it was guilt that made her confess. Someone earlier alluded to some kind of blackmail. That may be a bit much, but I think it's more likely that she was seen with the OM or seen leaving somewhere she shouldn't have been by someone who knows her husband. "Hey Shoe, I saw Marjie on the other side of town this morning. Was that her brother she was with?".


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

TRy said:


> What she just said was that she had a secret emotional affair before she let it become a physical affair and that “she felt like going and she felt like doing what she did when it happened”. She also did not show true remorse because she blame shifted and you bought into the blame shifting. The fact is that all marriages have issues. If you think you have issues now wait until you have children or health issues to deal with. The difference between good spouses and cheating spouses is that good spouses deal with the issues without cheating and cheating spouses use these normal issues as excuses to blame shift so that they can cheat. Your wife is not a good spouse she is a cheating spouse plain and simple.
> 
> It is not true that for your marriage to heal you need to “need to forget”. That is only the line of bull cheaters always sell to the betrayed spouse, and again you bought into it.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Rug sweeping enables this life style of cheating. She felt like doing this and did it and is telling you to get over it.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

MrK said:


> I'm even wondering if it was guilt that made her confess. Someone earlier alluded to some kind of blackmail. That may be a bit much, but I think it's more likely that she was seen with the OM or seen leaving somewhere she shouldn't have been by someone who knows her husband. "Hey Shoe, I saw Marjie on the other side of town this morning. Was that her brother she was with?".


I think it is a pure power play right now. She is dominant and telling him to get over it. She has zero remorse and can play this same card time and again. There are zero consequences to it. An open marriage.


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