# How much time is used for "daily duties" aka housekeeping, food prep, grooming, etc



## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

*How much time is used for "daily duties" aka housekeeping, food prep, grooming, etc*

Since about 2-3 years into the marriage, it has occurred to me that my wife arranges her schedule so as to minimize the time she is available to be a couple. If we're both home, she's either frantically busy doing stuff or in front of the computer doing "important catch-up". A common discussion is how can we end up finding more time to be together. Mon-Fri, there's a quick morning hug, then one more when she comes home and that's that. If we're both available, we may walk in the forest for 1-2 hour once on the weekends.

Although we both struggle to stay low on clutter, our lives are otherwise simple. We have no club memberships, we have no kids and never did, our families are relatively distant and consume little time. The house has one bedroom and one bathroom, so not a lot of regular cleaning. Floors are wood, not carpet, so a quick 10-minute dust takes care of that. She's always been highly tolerant of dirty windows, walls, dust on the tops of doors, window ledges, etc, so when those get cleaned, it's not her time that's used. We have a 4 pound dog.

Last night, she mentioned that she takes 4 hours in the morning to get ready for work. I said what takes four hours? and she said "everything". I asked if she'd ever noted what tasks she does and how long they take. She actually did part of that - listed what she did. Not how long. In one sense, it seems like "not much" but in another sense it seems like a lot of little things.

She actually listed, three times "went to the toilet". I wonder how much of that toilet time is doing toilet versus reading the piles of books and magazines she has in there.
- take vitamins - I've seen this. She heads to the utility room, extracts 4 or so bottles, selects pills from each, puts the bottles away, heads to the bathroom. I take supps too, and batch a week's worth in one of those 7-day pill things.
- Two loads of laundry. Every day? When we lived in California, I did the laundry. It was but 3 loads most weeks, plus another when we did bedsheets. For her laundry is load washer and run it. Then transfer to dryer for 5 minutes then pull out and hang on laundry line. Later she will take the hung laundry and put it back in the dryer. Seems like a lot of steps.
- In meal prep, she indicates 4 separate occasions of "tear" something - she uses fingers to tear lettuce, kale and other leafy stuff, and evidently lately she's added chicken to the dog's food and uses her fingers to tear that stuff, too. Again, were it me, I'd contemplate "tearing" or rather using a good knife to swiftly cut, a week's worth at one sitting.
- In between each thing she finger-tears, she cleans the kitchen counter...so it gets four cleanings in this process.
- Separately listed are three occasions of letting the dog lick her fingers after food prep
- "drink my own water for digestive processes" - ? Do people actually reserve time to drink water? I just have water on hand and drink throughout the day and don't even consider that it requires time.
- dishes - we do these by hand, don't own enough to come anywhere close to loading the dishwasher. Plus, since we have so few, they are re-used during the day. Her method: Wash and rinse a quantity that can be laid on a dish towel...and do that. Using second dish towel, dry those, and spread them out on the kitchen counter since they're probably not fully dry. Then run through the next batch of dishes. Eventually, they're all spread on the counter. Mind you, before I go to bed the night before, I wash any dishes that are out anywhere in the house, so this dish-washing she does is only what comes from her food prep. And that's a puzzle, since she only uses a cutting board for this finger-tearing process and deposits the torn material directly into the glass containers that she takes to work or puts in the fridge for me.
- Clean dryer screen - again, to me, this is an "every load" thing and is so quick I would expect writing it down is more time-consuming than doing it.
- Several items are "open microwave to stop beeping" but there are no line items indicating what she had placed in it.
- Lay down mat & do stretches - she's pretty good at doing some kind of exercise daily, I would certainly not discourage this!
- "Clean up and get dressed" is given 10 minutes - the only item she chose to time. She doesn't wear makeup, so she is very quick at the morning personal routine.

The only housecleaning on this list is the kitchen counter, after she's prepared food on the cutting board on it.

I have, in the past, asked her if she's evaluated what she does to see if some things really are needed or if a few things can be done all at once so she isn't repeatedly cleaning up the same space over and over and she says "I don't think like that".

She stresses out at work badly, so when she comes home from work, she's completely incapable of much of anything and I leave her be at that time. We don't need income, but she has always felt that "success" means you always have a job. Doesn't matter what it is. There's also some fear related to money - she grew up upper-middle class, but the parents kept the kids from asking for too much by constantly saying "we're poor and need to control spending so we don't end up homeless"...that old childhood model is still with her. We're approaching retirement age, and I can't see her not working even when retirement comes along. More and more often, I kind of feel that I have a college roommate, not a spouse.


This probably sounds anal retentive, but periodically, I check my time usage during the week - I have a bad case of ADHD, or so I'm told, and if I don't take extra steps to track what I'm using time for, I may find that I'm spending 12 hours a day doing nothing but figuring out a better way to plan the day! Classically, if I think I'm spending more than an hour a day average on the inside of the house - cleaning, laundry, meal prep - then I try to figure out how to reduce it. Outside is rather different, as we have acreage...and I take care of all that.

She complains bitterly that our lives are too complicated and points to the existence of the house and land - but that list she provided seems to have nothing on it that would not also be needed if we lived in a rented apartment.

Thoughts?


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## crocus (Apr 8, 2016)

*Re: How much time is used for "daily duties" aka housekeeping, food prep, grooming, e*

How long have you been married?


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

*Re: How much time is used for "daily duties" aka housekeeping, food prep, grooming, e*



DustyDog said:


> Since about 2-3 years into the marriage, it has occurred to me that my wife arranges her schedule so as to minimize the time she is available to be a couple. If we're both home, she's either frantically busy doing stuff or in front of the computer doing "important catch-up". A common discussion is how can we end up finding more time to be together. Mon-Fri, there's a quick morning hug, then one more when she comes home and that's that. If we're both available, we may walk in the forest for 1-2 hour once on the weekends.
> 
> OMG, can I just say how lucky your wife IS that her husband wants to spend more time with her? Seriously, I applaud you.
> 
> ...


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

*Re: How much time is used for "daily duties" aka housekeeping, food prep, grooming, e*

She doesn't seem that she spends that much time on things that she has absolutely no time for you. I think that's more a BS excuse than anything else. The amount of time you have together is based on how much of a priority it is for both of you. You can make time for the things you want to do and avoid those you don't. Maybe you should ask her why being a couple isn't a priority for her.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

*Re: How much time is used for "daily duties" aka housekeeping, food prep, grooming, e*



DustyDog said:


> We don't need income, but she has always felt that "success" means you always have a job.





Jessica38 said:


> But we have cleaners every other week.


This. We've always had cleaners precisely because we didn't want housekeep encroaching on our couples time. But I'll add at some point we agreed she would reduce her working hours to allow her more time for laundry and food shopping (living in the city we only had one car so this was huge).

We cook together, so meal prep is actually our main form of quality time together.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I'm a single mom to two teenage boys. I work full-time in a fast paced job. I own my own home. I cook (healthy meals from scratch), I clean, I do laundry, I do the yardwork, bills, car maintenance, repairs, and I'm an excellent mom... love and attention, help w homework, on top of scheduling/appts... and I still have a couple of hours every weeknight I could devote to a partner. That's doing all of this stuff myself.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

*Re: How much time is used for "daily duties" aka housekeeping, food prep, grooming, e*



CharlieParker said:


> This. We've always had cleaners precisely because we didn't want housekeep encroaching on our couples time. But I'll add at some point we agreed she would reduce her working hours to allow her more time for laundry and food shopping (living in the city we only had one car so this was huge).
> 
> We cook together, so meal prep is actually our main form of quality time together.


I'm quite good at reducing workloads and coming to efficient processes. I've never owned a house that I could not clean end-to-end in 4 hours and that's a THOROUGH cleaning, including touch-up painting exterior wall corners if they got nicked. Weekly dusting and such, never more than an hour. I'm not counting laundry in this.

Part of my technique is to do something every morning, so there's never an entire house that's been not cleaned in a week.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

*Re: How much time is used for "daily duties" aka housekeeping, food prep, grooming, e*

Is she dramatizing it? 2 loads of laundry each day, for 2 people? That's insane. Any OCD going on (listing out drinking water as a chore is strange)? Expectations of being perfect?


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

*Re: How much time is used for "daily duties" aka housekeeping, food prep, grooming, e*



Jessica38 said:


> Bwahahaha....10-min to clean wood floors? Ah, no. You forgot mopping and drying, and the meticulous sweeping prior to get all the dirt up first so it doesn't turn muddy. Wood floors are the bane of my existence. They take FOREVER to properly clean. I have a pretty big house (we have kids) and a dog, and my floors take the bulk of cleaning time. Maybe 2 hours total? But we have cleaners every other week. Pretty much just for the floors, as the other stuff takes far less time and I am fine doing the other stuff myself. But the wood floors? I hate them.


Sorry to hear you have a bad relationship with the wood floors. My allergies thank me daily for them. It is not possible to get carpet truly clean, but wood floors can get much closer.

The house is small – as I already noted the lack of room quantity, there’s also a shortage of square feet. Bathroom and kitchen floors are cheap vinyl, leaving 550 square feet of plank oak. We have both timed the work to “clean” it on a daily basis – it’s just a dust mopping, no more. Ten minutes, every time.

Once a month, I do a wet-clean of the floor with de-ionized water and no other cleaners. This is the potion recommended by the company that manufactured the clear finish on the floor. This is a finished-in-place floor, not parquet or anything like that. For “stubborn soil”, they say it’s OK to occasionally use Naptha or an oil soap. One time, after I did my wet-clean with just water, I went ahead and made a weak solution of oil soap water, and used a white sponge. After cleaning the entire floor, the sponge was barely off-white...so I've found no need to use any sort of cleaner except when I know there's been an event to cause more than normal dirt - such as when we used to host every-fourth-month potlucks. For just the water clean, I'm done in typically 30 minutes.

Maybe twice a year, I “do it all up” and move furniture away from the walls. That comprehensive cleaning takes less than an hour. Twice a year perhaps? Doesn’t sound like a problem to me. 

The only wood floor cleaning she does is the dust mopping. She wet-cleans the kitchen floor every few days and says it’s only a few minutes work…you can squat and reach the entire floor from one spot. Mostly she does this because when the dog eats, she first takes the food out of the bowl and dumps it on the floor…so it’s got dog food and dog slobber on it routinely. Those two things plus the constant wiping of the kitchen counter are pretty much all the house cleaning she does – I do the rest. And happily so. Yes, I know, I've not included laundry in this list.

We both attempt to do things to reduce how dirty things get in the first place. There’s a boot tray at each of the two entry doors. We have indoor shoes and outdoor shoes and that helps a lot. The only family member who doesn’t change footwear from inside to outside is the dog. And she’s a southern California girl, so if it’s under 80 outside, she won’t go outside…thankfully, she behaves herself indoors and uses the puppy pad placed for her in her favorite “cage”. Before other pet owners get outraged, this dog LIKES being in cages, and none of the ones we supply have doors.

So, indeed, our wood floors consume far less maintenance than when we had carpet in the previous home.



Jessica38 said:


> You forgot folding. Folding takes the most time. In CA, we don't wear as many clothes. In snowy/rainy/cold climates, you have multiple layers. I spend about 30min day on laundry, but again...we have kids and we all exercise daily, so we go through 2 changes each a day (even the kids- they have sports uniforms).


She doesn’t fold anything. Hanging stuff gets put on hangars and back onto the laundry line. Things that go into drawers she dumps onto the bed and I fold it. We haven’t changed what we wear since we left California other than replacing worn-out things and adding some rugged outerwear for dealing with the invasive blackberries. We’re near Portland Oregon, which gets the same annual rainfall as Sonoma County, where we lived. The only added outer wear in winter are winter coats, which are not washable in a machine anyway, so I don’t see any extra burden there. I’m sure that having kids adds a lot…we don’t have kids. 

She actually does some surprising things, IMO, that no woman I knew before her did, that probably come across to some people as being not very clean - she owns two bras and wears one for 3-5 days, then it goes into the laundry and she wears the other. A pair of slacks is also a 3-4 day item for her. Shirts get worn once only before washing. Me? I guess since much of what I spend my time doing creates sawdust, or I’m digging in dirt, everything I wear gets worn once only. But it’s not a high quantity…given my propensity to run hot, I don’t wear undershirts until it’s below about 40 degrees outside, so it’s just one shirt. My exercise is running, and that clothing is pretty danged small/light, and hardly noticed in a laundry load. I dump that in the washer, then look for other stuff to define as "dirty" and do a load every day - then she feels the need for two more.

Because I work from home, I’m able to arrange my exercise first thing in the morning – so I don’t have to take a second shower just because I ran.


Jessica38 said:


> I spend 30 min- 1 hour on meal prep/cooking. But I cook from scratch.


Yes, we are a fully from-scratch household. But dirt simple. She has many food intolerances, so our cupboards contain no seasonings, no sauces, no salad dressing, etc. A meal is quite literally rice, kale, maybe potatoes, some kind of starchy high-fiber bean (all cooked, usually together in the microwave) and always a chilled simple side salad of romaine and baby carrots. I do steel-cut oats in the morning, but she can’t digest oats, so her breakfast and lunch are the same.


Jessica38 said:


> This might be the bigger issue. She's stressed. Bottom line.


Possibly – this is how she chooses to approach life. Anything she takes on seems to create massive stress. She seems to add lots and lots of tasks to work that nobody asked her to do, can’t get it done in 40 hours, puts in free overtime and then says the job stresses her out. A year ago, I worked 55-70 hours/week and she didn’t work for income. She fostered rescue dogs – no more than two at a time, little ones. She called that a “high stress job”, too…and complained that it didn’t’ pay enough (it paid nothing as it was volunteer work). So, it just seems to be her natural way of responding to the world and the responsibilities she voluntarily takes on.


Jessica38 said:


> I do not think there is anything wrong with wanting to agree to how your spouse spends their time. In marriage, we should agree to how our spouse spends their time. It sounds to me like you two have a VERY strong marriage and are good at communicating. What does she say when you tell her you think she's too stressed? Can you come from a place of wanting to brainstorm ideas with her? Personally, I think the fact that you want to make her issues your issues too shows a lot of care in the marriage. Good for you.


I wish that were true. Given what appears to be an attempt on her part to spend minimal time with me, there is no opportunity to communicate. Further, when she talks, it’s always in third-person – she’ll tell me a story of someone at work and her relationship with her boyfriend and somehow I’m supposed to gather from this what it is that’s important to her. I have not found a way to ask her what I’m supposed to learn from the story without her replying as if she was an injured kitten. And then any conversation is over, she goes non-responsive, what John Gottman refers to as “Stonewalling”. If I don't ask her anything about these monologues, then it'll come up perhaps six months later "I told you and nothing has changed!" with red face and tears. "Darling, what did you tell me? I seem to have forgotten" and she re-tells the story about the co-worker. And even at this point, if I say "I'm not sure what that story is supposed to tell me, can you explain it", things get worse.

This 6-page listing of what she did in 4 hours is an absolute first in nearly 20 years of marriage. And…given the style in which it is written, and based on past conversations (the last one in which she actually engaged was over 10 years ago), it is probably not open to inspection, or discussion, it is purely a defense…she’ll never say it (I cannot recall the last time she ever expressed a desire for anything from me), as she probably wants the subject to never come up again.

When I have suggested that she consider how to reduce stress, she says “I’m sorry I’m an inadequate human being, maybe I need to leave so you can find someone more suitable.” I have found no way to bring up the topic of her making slight changes in anything without her responding as if I've just told her she's the most worthless human on this planet. I’m actually very good at doing all this quite gently – it was my stock in trade as a group manager at work, and our MC advises me that I seem to be good at it, but is puzzled at what it will take to get the wife to accept inquiries. 

Both myself and the MC have noted that in all the conversing my wife does (she gets into talkative modes from time to time, and it’s almost run-on sentences that don’t’ seem to be connected to each other, and always about third parties such as co-workers), neither of us have ever heard her express an emotion. The only time words like “angry” and “pissed” and “sad” and “love” come out of her is when she is assigning those emotions to other people. In particular, any discussion about work contains multiple instances of "everybody's pissed at me". If I ask for help on a project - even one she asked me to do - she'll say things like "I'll probably make you angry, but ok."

So…I dunno. I’m weary, somewhat sad, somewhat disappointed…not angry, I only get angry at myself and it’s always because I made a blunder that I’d made before and knew full well how to avoid. The MC once told me that I’m probably the one who has to make a decision.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

*Re: How much time is used for "daily duties" aka housekeeping, food prep, grooming, e*



DustyDog said:


> I'm quite good at reducing workloads and coming to efficient processes. I've never owned a house that I could not clean end-to-end in 4 hours and that's a THOROUGH cleaning, including touch-up painting exterior wall corners if they got nicked. Weekly dusting and such, never more than an hour. I'm not counting laundry in this.
> 
> Part of my technique is to do something every morning, so there's never an entire house that's been not cleaned in a week.


You live in a one bedroom house,no kids.How dirty can it get?


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

*Re: How much time is used for "daily duties" aka housekeeping, food prep, grooming, e*



DustyDog said:


> Sorry to hear you have a bad relationship with the wood floors. My allergies thank me daily for them. It is not possible to get carpet truly clean, but wood floors can get much closer.
> 
> I agree, wood floors have their benefits and are better for our health than carpeting....but still, the maintenance required in our house is much greater than yours. Any cleaning crew we've ever had goes through the sweep/mop/dry process biweekly and it takes one person hours to do it. But if I didn't have kids and a ton of flooring, I could see how that time could be greatly reduced. And it's great that you help with this and are aware of how much time it does take.
> 
> ...


I really think the books His Needs, Her Needs and Lovebusters will help you and your wife. Here's their plan that I think would work for you (they helped us for similar issues):

1. Tell your wife (nicely) that you want to have a better marriage with her. In order to do this, you both need to commit to spending 15 hours a week meeting each other's top 4 intimate emotional needs: conversation, affection, recreational companionship, and sex. This will help you two prioritize time together meeting needs that create feelings of love.

2. Use that time for FUN only. No criticism, no judgement, no chores. Eliminate all lovebusters during this time together.

3. Eliminate ALL lovebusters at other times too. Do not judge, criticize, or get irritated with your wife. This will change how she reacts to you- no more reason to stonewall.

4. Schedule a time once a week where you ask each other how you're doing on eliminating lovebusters. We do this via email- it keeps the emotion out of it. Your wife IS committing lovebusters too (annoying habits, including poor conversation, and independent behavior, and stonewalling. But so are you, as I pointed out above). Instead of criticizing or judging, express in your weekly email that what she did bothered you. "Honey, while I had a great time with you last night, it bothered me that we spent an hour of our time talking about your co-workers. It would mean a lot to me if we could find some mutually enjoyable topics to talk about during our time together. Here are a few things I'd prefer to spend our time discussing instead. What do you think?" You're telling her how it made you feel, not criticizing her for doing it. And you're not insulting her, you're just letting her know that her co-workers don't interest you.

I love talking about health stuff. My husband- while healthy too- does not. I love talking about political stuff. My husband-while well-read- does not. So in order to not be a bad conversationalist, I've had to learn that while I'm important to him and he loves me, he is not required to listen to me drone on about the evils of the pharmaceutical industry, for example. 

Likewise, I can only handle so much baseball talk.

But get us going on our dog or kids, vacation ideas, etc. and we can talk and laugh together for hours.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

*Re: How much time is used for "daily duties" aka housekeeping, food prep, grooming, e*



Andy1001 said:


> You live in a one bedroom house,no kids.How dirty can it get?



Exactly my point. I was responding to a collection of postings suggesting that cleaning a wood floor is a many-hours process and/or housekeeping is so time-consuming that it would be reasonable to hire a service. If the house were large and/or the people in it routinely tracked in mud, I could see that. I was raised in a family of 8 and if the kids had not been given cleaning chores from age 5 onward, the folks would have definitely had to hire a service. And my folks do now hire a service as they're in physical decline and such tasks have become actually risky.

In fact, it is that very thing - that we were assigned cleaning chores - that led us all, independently, to realize the value of not getting things dirty in the first place!


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

*Re: How much time is used for "daily duties" aka housekeeping, food prep, grooming, e*



Jessica38 said:


> I really think the books His Needs, Her Needs and Lovebusters will help you and your wife. Here's their plan that I think would work for you (they helped us for similar issues):
> 
> 1. Tell your wife (nicely) that you want to have a better marriage with her. In order to do this, you both need to commit to spending 15 hours a week meeting each other's top 4 intimate emotional needs: conversation, affection, recreational companionship, and sex. This will help you two prioritize time together meeting needs that create feelings of love.


When I suggested 15 hours, her immediate response was "How needy are you, anyway? Nobody needs that!" and to the "emotional needs" she said "I can take care of my own emotions just fine and so could any mature man."

There's a plan not too far from that from Gottman, but both require the willingness of both people.



Jessica38 said:


> 2. Use that time for FUN only. No criticism, no judgement, no chores. Eliminate all lovebusters during this time together.


Darned straight on that one. I have found no way to get her to just spend fun time together. The walks in the forest? She brings the phone and does financial calculations with it.



Jessica38 said:


> 3. Eliminate ALL lovebusters at other times too. Do not judge, criticize, or get irritated with your wife. This will change how she reacts to you- no more reason to stonewall.


One of the first things she said she admired about me when we were dating is that I'm not perturbable emotionally - it was true then and it's true now. I seem to have, without being told, developed an inherent mindful approach to life.

I know full well how to not judge, criticize, etc - Gottmans list of his four horsemen goes to great lengths to explain how these manifest many different ways, and how to go about conversations without bringing them into it. Merely asking for a discussion is often all it takes for her to stonewall. And a gentle request is not a judgment.

During an MC session once, what seemed to come out is that the only measurement she makes of her goodness is that the people she's working with are 100% pleased with every single thing she does. Any request for trying it a different way is interpreted as a judgment....hence, after the first week on any new job, she is convinced that "everybody's pissed at me".



Jessica38 said:


> 4. Schedule a time once a week where you ask each other how you're doing on eliminating lovebusters.


All suggestions to 'schedule' a time to do anything - whether the suggestion came from me or the counselor, have been responded to with "That's ridiculous! You can't schedule something like that, you have to wait until both of you are in the mood and I'm never in the mood."



Jessica38 said:


> We do this via email- it keeps the emotions out of it.


I tried, for a while, to communicate with her via email. But her attendance to email is erratic - she'll do a burst of it on a weekend and ignore it for a month. Also, her family has a habit of abbreviating sentences to the point where you can't actually tell what they're saying...for instance, someone might write "Skipping the public dinner tonight"...which I would interpret as me being told that the writer plans to skip the dinner...then two days later I find out that the intent was to ask ME if I was skipping the dinner - the absent question mark seemed important to me. And...in person, she never says what she's feeling - in email, it's worse. No way to tell if she's writing from a position of being angry (common) or whatever. Email actually cause a substantial increase in her anger, because I was unable to tell that she was angry. In person, I can at least see her face turn red.



Jessica38 said:


> Your wife IS committing lovebusters too (annoying habits, including poor conversation, and independent behavior, and stonewalling. But so are you, as I pointed out above).
> 
> The way I speak with her is quite different from what I wrote on here...to express something in the kindest and gentlest ways, being careful to stop frequently and ask questions to try and gauge how well it's being received - is time-consuming. I'd have written ten times as much on here if I'd used the actual phrasing I use with her.
> 
> ...


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

*Re: How much time is used for "daily duties" aka housekeeping, food prep, grooming, e*



DustyDog said:


> When I suggested 15 hours, her immediate response was "How needy are you, anyway? Nobody needs that!" and to the "emotional needs" she said "I can take care of my own emotions just fine and so could any mature man."


Ouch, sorry. Very roommatey, and cold. What gives her pleasure?


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

*Re: How much time is used for "daily duties" aka housekeeping, food prep, grooming, e*

Wow where does the 2 loads of laundry a day come from, id she is wearing the same clothes quite a few days without washing them? Are they your clothes? and why does she dry them some, hang them out only to dry some more.

It really does seem like she is trying not to spend time with you.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

*Re: How much time is used for "daily duties" aka housekeeping, food prep, grooming, e*



DustyDog said:


> When I suggested 15 hours, her immediate response was "How needy are you, anyway? Nobody needs that!" and to the "emotional needs" she said "I can take care of my own emotions just fine and so could any mature man."
> 
> Have you told her that this isn't going to work for you? That you're unhappy in the marriage? You're dealing with extreme independent behavior.
> 
> ...


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## crocus (Apr 8, 2016)

*Re: How much time is used for "daily duties" aka housekeeping, food prep, grooming, e*



tropicalbeachiwish said:


> Is she dramatizing it? 2 loads of laundry each day, for 2 people? That's insane. Any OCD going on (listing out drinking water as a chore is strange)? Expectations of being perfect?




I'm guessing yes. Only because it's something I might do if someone repeatedly questioned how I spend every minute of my day especially when they admit to being able to spend 12 hours doing nothing and not realizing it. So....she's gotten into a habit of entertaining herself while he's doing nothing (ADHD, it can happen).
More to the story. Maybe.


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## crocus (Apr 8, 2016)

*Re: How much time is used for "daily duties" aka housekeeping, food prep, grooming, e*

What have you done, yourself, to improve the situation? What exactly would look acceptable to you? Do you utilize schedules so you don't lose track of time, schedule dates and honour the time promised? Do you plan social outings, or whatever it is you want to do?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

*Re: How much time is used for "daily duties" aka housekeeping, food prep, grooming, e*

I think I remember one of your threads, maybe in the Financial forum, when you were thinking of "maybe" divorcing her (apologies if I'm confusing you with someone else). 

What changed your mind (assuming I'm remembering any of that correctly)?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

*Re: How much time is used for "daily duties" aka housekeeping, food prep, grooming, e*

Buy a concealed video recorder and place in the area she spends time. You'll have your answer in a hurry. 

Unless she works as an actress being prepped for a sci-fi movie, 4 hours to get ready is a bit over the top.. many of the others too.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

It would be helpful to know whether she is as self sufficient as she expects you to be. What does a good marriage look like to her and what would each of your roles be?

Yes the time she allocates to those tasks is excessive, and she is scheduling stuff to minimize interaction with you. But, if you try to tackle it she will dig in and label you immature, inconsiderate, controlling, etc.

A better idea is to frame it in terms of what you need from a relationship. Explain how you feel about the situation now and where you need to be. It is then up to her to decide whether and how she accommodates you.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

*Re: How much time is used for "daily duties" aka housekeeping, food prep, grooming, e*

It sounds like you have an OCD roommate. 

It's entirely possible she's spending all this time doing these things, but the quality and efficiency of much of the work is lacking if she has to repeat a number of these tasks daily. 

And if she's not willing to find 15hrs a week to spend with you, then you may as well get used to the roommate life.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: How much time is used for "daily duties" aka housekeeping, food prep, grooming, e*



DustyDog said:


> Since about 2-3 years into the marriage, it has occurred to me that my wife arranges her schedule so as to minimize the time she is available to be a couple. If we're both home, she's either frantically busy doing stuff or in front of the computer doing "important catch-up". A common discussion is how can we end up finding more time to be together. Mon-Fri, there's a quick morning hug, then one more when she comes home and that's that. If we're both available, we may walk in the forest for 1-2 hour once on the weekends.


 I am the opposite of your wife.. I do everything I can to maximize my time with my husband... so when he is home and I am home.. we have free time together... I would be mad at myself if I didn't get all my stuff done while he was at work.. It would cause me frustration and I'd feel like we were wasting our lives if we were both piddling around doing household stuff when we are home together.. .we will cut the grass together sometimes or if he needs help with a project.. but I want this time saved for some romancing,







....maybe a day out riding bikes together, taking a walk, eating out/ a movie, or hanging out at home cuddled up to a movie, we've went outside and lying on blankets under a tree before - just talking, playing a game, a picnic outside... whatever..... 

He also tries to get stuff done when I am at work now...our time is very precious to us...the other night.. he went to sleep when he got home so we'd have time when I got home late.. then he couldn't go back to sleep at all ! 

I tend to do a morning of cooking for 2- 3 days ahead.. I may ready up a room when walking into it.. and be done before I walk out...I have done laundry all hours of the day or night... just when I am down there and see it needs done.. there is no set schedule.. with a larger family.. things come up.. it would be more stressful if I had that extra pressure on certain days or times -My Grandmother used to be like this.. and I always felt that was rather ridiculous as she would decline to go places due to having "Laundry day" or something... maybe those were just excuses.. I don't know.. but I'd never live my life like that.. 

In the mornings when I get all the breakfast's for the kids, him, packing lunches.. I will be tiding up the kitchen.. vacuuming floors before I head out for the day, no dishes in the sink when I leave..

Some of the things your wife has on her list are very odd... like taking a drink, getting vitamins.. I have our vitamins sorted out a month ahead of time.. so it's just a matter of spilling them in a small cup & getting a drink.. what is that - 30 seconds of time... 

Time management makes for a smoother running day, for sure.. Multitasking is good ! 

Getting ready for work taking 4 hours!! unless one is staring in a movie & has a make up artist re-doing her face...my husband gets up at 5:50 am & is out the door at 6:30....I am similar .. this will involve at the very least washing our hair, brushing teeth.. and eating too, for me.. add some make up... it helps to have clothes laid out the night before -ready to go, or anything we need for work already in the vehicle... Do a little night planning for what's happening in the mornings too.. I have a large calendar to keep me on track.. I use timers so I don't forget things.. with a kid going here.. there , something in the oven, when I have to leave, etc. it helps me stay organized and focused. 



> She stresses out at work badly, so when she comes home from work, she's completely incapable of much of anything and I leave her be at that time. We don't need income, but she has always felt that "success" means you always have a job. Doesn't matter what it is. There's also some fear related to money - she grew up upper-middle class, but the parents kept the kids from asking for too much by constantly saying "we're poor and need to control spending so we don't end up homeless"...that old childhood model is still with her. We're approaching retirement age, and I can't see her not working even when retirement comes along. More and more often, I kind of feel that I have a college roommate, not a spouse.


 That's a shame as it sounds her life would be a lot less stressful if she could relax a little ...let go of those fears....just enjoy the fruits of both of your past laboring.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

*Re: How much time is used for "daily duties" aka housekeeping, food prep, grooming, e*

The stuff she listed out is NOT "getting ready in the morning" and sounds insane to me. Getting ready in the morning, at least in MY world, consists of JUST THAT...shower, hair/makeup, clothes, breakfast. Period. All that other crap is HOUSEKEEPING. 

Bottom line is, your wife doesnt care to spend time with you. All this other crap is irrelevant.


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