# how big of an idiot am I?



## bronco (Jan 28, 2010)

married 17 yrs. wife had a PA year 3 that I found out about from OM. Stay with her blame myself for driving her to another man. 7 years later I discover she is still in contact w/OM. She swears no more physical (don't believe it) but now there are two children. Wife begs forgiveness and I stay because of children. Sex life has been very bad since first infedelity. Wife says she doesn't feel connected to me. I have tried for entire relationship to connect. (read all the books/written the love letters/us time/weekend romantic getaways/help with housework &kids/ everything I have read or can think to do) Last night (after many years of no sexual initiation on her part and over a month w/ no sex at all) I ask her if I physically repulse her.(I am in fairly decent shape) She replies w/ "I don't feel connected to you"... I give up. I really don't want to try anymore, and don't really want to be married to her anymore. but I am not going to be put in a position where I can't tuck my children in bed everynight and be there when they wake up every morning which will be the likely outcome of a divorce. Not sure what I am looking for in response just anything I guess.


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## LostHubby (Jan 24, 2010)

This sounds like my first marriage, exactly. She had multiple affairs and I played the good father and husband throughout. The only difference is that I did not know about the affairs until the one that ended our marriage. I would never tell anyone to end a marriage, I can however tell you that I did end mine. It was hard, there were some mixed feelings of hurt and betrayal. We fought off and on for years while the kids where young. I fought for joint custody and in todays world, it is more common than most think. Now our kids are grown. We've both moved on. We may not be friends, but when we talk, the anger, hurt and all those things are gone. We talk about our kids, and leave it at that. I spent 5 very unhappy years when I was married with her trying to figure it out. There is nothing that I can do to get those years back now. I also have a thread going here from my now, apparently failed marriage after almost 13 years. I carried some of the same mistakes from my first into my second. If you do move on, evaluate your role in this and take some time to read these threads. It will truly help you as you find your way through this.

Pay close attention to some very sagely advice from BigBadWolf and AffairCare, they are quite wise and insightful. There are many others as well.

I wish you all the luck and hope that you can find some peace, either with your wife or without.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

IIWY, I'd have a keylogger installed on her computer, I'd check the phone/text records and check out any unusual numbers, and I'd put a voice-activated recorder under the seat of her car. Check her activities for a month. If you find nothing, stop snooping and just move into separate rooms til your kids move out, and then divorce.

But if you find something, expose the affair to her family (so she can't blame it all on you), and tell her she can either quit the affair(s) or move out. WITHOUT the kids.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

bronco said:


> ... I give up. I really don't want to try anymore, and don't really want to be married to her anymore. but I am not going to be put in a position where I can't tuck my children in bed everynight and be there when they wake up every morning which will be the likely outcome of a divorce. Not sure what I am looking for in response just anything I guess.


Hi Bronco! Before we get into the heavy stuff I just have to say that as someone who lived in Denver for about 20 years, your name reminds me of my beloved football team. May the Orange Crush rise again! 

Okay, on to the big stuff. I have to admit, I will never be one to advise someone to leave their marriage. Honestly, I believe that a marriage is a covenant and you did make a vow to her until death parted you. That being said, sexual immorality is the thing that has broken your marriage and shattered your vow--not you. 

I believe we can fairly succinctly summarize your issues: #1--There has been another man in your marriage and having a relationship with your wife for ten of the 17 years of your marriage. As long as there is another man, there will be issues, period. #2--There has been little or no satisfying sex between you two ever, in your whole marriage. 

Before you completely give up and file for divorce, I suggest that you make sure you have done everything you possibly can to recover your marriage. At this point, I have pretty much one recommendation. Go to your wife directly as ask her if she is willing to end ALL communication with the other man--online, cell phone, chatting, seeing each other--and *NEVER, EVER* speak to him again in any way. Let her know that you are so committed to no contact that you are willing to move, have her quit her job, or whatever she has to do in order to assure NO CONTACT. 

If she is willing to have no contact, never, ever--then it is conceivable you may have a chance at saving your marriage. If she has to move or quit her job, I know the economy is not cool right now but your marriage is for a lifetime and a job or a house is not--let her quit or move or whatever for the good of your marriage and your children. And don't be a martyr about it either; this is what a man has to do for the good of his family sometimes. 

Once all contact is ended, and she allows you to check up on her and be assured she really is not in contact...THEN you two can learn to stop doing the things that extinguish the flame of love, and start doing the things that kindle that fire. She may never be a person who is way into sex or who is uninhibited, but if she is not in touch with the other man, and if she is kindling that fire of love in other ways, I bet you two can work out something that might be acceptable (not ideal, but it works) for both of you. Let's cross that bridge if we get to it. 

If she REFUSES to end all contact with the other man and never, ever contact him again in any way EVER--then you have your answer right there. That is why she doesn't feel "connected" to you: because another person other than the man to whom she vowed her faithfulness *is* the one who is "connected" to her. As long as he's there, she will be unable to connect to you. 

At that point you can choose to separate and allow her to experience the consequences of her choice to not end contact (i.e., she moves out, she doesn't get to tuck in the kids, she doesn't get your financial support, etc.) or you may be done and decide to divorce. That would be your decision and honestly I always encourage people to do EVERYTHING to try to save their marriage. But again, let's cross that bridge if we come to it too. 

For now, ask your wife about ending all contact and never, EVER talking to the other man again for her whole life, and let's see where that goes.


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## bronco (Jan 28, 2010)

been down that road already. both of us have changed jobs, and we moved two times already. I thought after I found out, and we moved that it was over. she told me it was a huge mistake and only a 1 time thing. Found out 7 yrs later that she was still in touch w/OM. She said she had only seen him 1 time since we left and that it was not physical. 
1. How can I trust her when she said that?
2. Whether or not she has or has not seen him more than that, it doesn't matter, there was still the EA going on for 7 years. 
3. I have read all the books, done everything I thought I was supposed to do but still the same problem keeps coming back. "she doesn't fill connected to me"
4. Even after all these years I still have doubts about her fidelity
I have put my thoughts down on paper expressing my belief that no matter what I do she will never feel connected again. I have also told her that no matter what happens we must do everything we can to protect and do what is in the best interest of our children. I do accept my share of the responsiblilty for her becoming this way. I don't think any man truly knows how to be a husband when they first marry, and I wish I could go back and change the past but I can't. From what I am reading on this site once a woman becomes disconnected from you it is almost impossible for her to change her heart. From my personal experience I am finding that to be true. 
I really can't believe it is coming to this because I really thought I believed in "til death do us part" but I don't think I can live this way anymore. I am far from the perfect man, but I would like to think I deserve a woman that is in love with me, and I guess she deserves happiness as well and if I am not the one that gives her that we should go find the person who will give us that.


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