# Affairs and children



## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

I wanted to ask the following question for BS's that have children. 

What was your WW/WH relationship like with the kids during their A up until DDay ? 

Did you noticed, either at the time or in hindsight, that their behavior towards the kids changed during their A ?


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

My ex had her face buried in FB and her cellphone, often times telling our daughter to go clean her room, in lieu of participating in playing something as requested by the kiddo.
So yeah, the ex was way too occupied to act like a mother, much less a living individual.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

My husband had never been very involved, feeling that the actual day-to-day parenting of our son was my job. But during his affair, he became even less involved and interested - in me, in our home, in our families, and yes, in our son. Our son was basically a distraction from spending time with his "friend". And it's apparently sort of awkward to bad-mouth Mommy in front of your 8-year-old, so my husband kind of ran our son off when he was outside on the dock spending time with his AP. 

He was also much less likely to show up for things for our son at the time. He basically just became an absentee dad. He would skip out on ball games, chorus concerts, family movie days, trips to the zoo or the aquarium. He even skipped out on our son's 5th grade honor's night - not to be with his AP, but to go on a hobby trip with his buddies. He said he didn't think C would mind him not being there. He was right. He'd already conveyed so thoroughly to our son that his stuff wasn't all that important to Daddy that C really didn't seem to notice that H didn't come see him get his awards. How sad...


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Shooboomafoo said:


> My ex had her face buried in FB and her cellphone, often times telling our daughter to go clean her room, in lieu of participating in playing something as requested by the kiddo.
> So yeah, the ex was way too occupied to act like a mother, much less a living individual.


:iagree: Almost the same for me. She would sleep late and stay up later and not be as involved with the kids.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My husband pretty much ignored the whole family a lot more while he was cheating than before or since.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

I was odd (what else is new?). When I was in mine, I was the one who was going to our oldest son's ball games. I went to each and every one of them. He went to the last one or two. I was the one who went to parent-teacher conferences (still am). I was the one who went outside with them, over to the neighbor's hose with them, etc. I helped with any homework they had. Maybe I was overcompensating for my EAs? Dunno. But I was just as involved in the things they were doing then as I was before and am now, after.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

MY XW was a SAHM, it really didn't impact much I guess since she was getting busy when I was at work and the kids were in school.

I could point to a few things, but nothing drastic in this sense. She hid it well.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> My husband pretty much ignored the whole family a lot more while he was cheating than before or since.


This, my wife run from her entire family, really from herself, her own identity.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

barbados said:


> I wanted to ask the following question for BS's that have children.
> 
> What was your WW/WH relationship like with the kids during their A up until DDay ?
> 
> Did you noticed, either at the time or in hindsight, that their behavior towards the kids changed during their A ?


Yes dramatically. My wife lived like she was single with no kids. We have 3.


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## GettingBetter (Mar 7, 2013)

My D day....younger one, who just turned 4 spent a day in the hospital due to infections and high fever. We got him back home around 7:00pm when she announced she had to go to a meeting. I was shocked, she would never do this before. Found out she was at the dark parking lot (thank you gps tracker) till midnight. Confronted her when she came home, told her what a bad mother she is. Cried her eyes out...but that was it. She felt bad just for a moment.
After she moved out to her parents she would leave the kids almost every night to be with OM.
She is no different now, with a new BF.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> I was odd (what else is new?). When I was in mine, I was the one who was going to our oldest son's ball games. I went to each and every one of them. He went to the last one or two. I was the one who went to parent-teacher conferences (still am). I was the one who went outside with them, over to the neighbor's hose with them, etc. I helped with any homework they had. Maybe I was overcompensating for my EAs? Dunno. But I was just as involved in the things they were doing then as I was before and am now, after.


To you it may have been normal routine, but does your spouse have the same opinion? Did he notice that you were texting, calling, and/or emailing more? Not as drawn into the environment as you thought? 

I ask this as my wife also thought she was doing nothing different or out of the ordinary and just as involved (she would say I was at such and such for the girls). Although when she was at these events she was more attentive to her phone than she had ever been prior (texting, emailing, and occasionally taking calls during the events) and not paying as much attention to what the kids were actually doing. She though nothing had changed but even friends and our kids started to notice differences and remark about it. The kicker is when we were playing a board game at the neighbors and a question was would you best describe (in this case it was my wife to be described) as which of the following items, a pen, cellphone, paper, computer, hairbrush, or TV? Everyone in the room chose cellphone. She was shocked and asked why everyone chose the same thing, and the overwhelming response is you have it with you all the time and I never see you not on it either texting, making a call, or emailing! That was a real eye opener to her to say the least (as she thought she was being sly and no one noticed her activities).


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

A WS will always tend to put her dopamine over her kids time.


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

MrBrains said:


> A WS will always tend to put her dopamine over her kids time.


You mean YOUR WS would choose dopamine over her kids. You have no idea about anyone else.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

AnnieAsh said:


> You mean YOUR WS would choose dopamine over her kids. You have no idea about anyone else.


Ok.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

MrBrains said:


> A WS will always tend to put her dopamine over her kids time.


Some do and some don't. I didn't.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

MrBrains said:


> A WS will always tend to put her dopamine over her kids time.


I agree with this. To what extent do they priorities is the question? Some will just be lax in their judgements (say not paying full undivided attention to their kids at a game or play, etc) and others will go to the other end of the spectrum and completely abandon their kids. This condition also holds true for the male WS's. I have seen several Ws's of both sexes, and they all have chosen their A to some extent over their children, It is not really fair for a WS to say that they didn't change or do anything different, as they are in the fog and are not a good judge of reality (most don't think they were in an A when they most definitely were).


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

When you're alone anywhere from 10 to 22 hours a DAY, you kinda know if you're checked in and focused on your children. As the sole day to day caretaker of my children, I can't afford to NOT be paying attention. In the midst of my EA, I was very involved, volunteering at the school, going to the park, play dates, homework, bedtime stories, cooking and cleaning, and being playmate and disciplinarian. 

I realize that some WS check out and are distracted. But that certainly isn't true for all of us. Some of us don't ever have that luxury.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Squeakr said:


> To you it may have been normal routine, but does your spouse have the same opinion? Did he notice that you were texting, calling, and/or emailing more? Not as drawn into the environment as you thought?
> 
> I ask this as my wife also thought she was doing nothing different or out of the ordinary and just as involved (she would say I was at such and such for the girls). Although when she was at these events she was more attentive to her phone than she had ever been prior (texting, emailing, and occasionally taking calls during the events) and not paying as much attention to what the kids were actually doing. She though nothing had changed but even friends and our kids started to notice differences and remark about it. The kicker is when we were playing a board game at the neighbors and a question was would you best describe (in this case it was my wife to be described) as which of the following items, a pen, cellphone, paper, computer, hairbrush, or TV? Everyone in the room chose cellphone. She was shocked and asked why everyone chose the same thing, and the overwhelming response is you have it with you all the time and I never see you not on it either texting, making a call, or emailing! That was a real eye opener to her to say the least (as she thought she was being sly and no one noticed her activities).


Yes, there was more texting...while the kids were at school all day. Yes, he noticed that. He was home all day as well. However, any conversations after they came home were done while we were playing a game together. My husband and I played WoW together. That was how I met my EA partner, as well as how he met his. Yes, he and I disconnected... absolutely admit to that, completely. But the question was about the children, and how the WS interacted with them.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

AnnieAsh said:


> When you're alone anywhere from 10 to 22 hours a DAY, you kinda know if you're checked in and focused on your children. As the sole day to day caretaker of my children, I can't afford to NOT be paying attention. In the midst of my EA, I was very involved, volunteering at the school, going to the park, play dates, homework, bedtime stories, cooking and cleaning, and being playmate and disciplinarian.
> 
> I realize that some WS check out and are distracted. But that certainly isn't true for all of us. Some of us don't ever have that luxury.


Now that's a better answer. I guess I was referring to WSs that have PAs.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

To AnnieAsh and Maricha75,
I understand what you are saying about being responsible, but that was not the question pondered, it was "interacting" with the kids and did it change. So you are meaning to tell me that you never got a text, call, email, etc from the AP and diverted yourself to sneak a quick peak when your kids were around you? 

At their games you sat attentively and watched everything (never between innings, quarters, periods, etc you sneaked a peak at your phone)? These actions might seem harmless enough on the surface, but if you never did it before the A and did during the A, then your attention and interaction with your kids was affected no matter how minute. 

Like I said it could be as great as abandonment, and it could be as little as a stolen communication but none the less if you didn't do it prior to the A and did it during the A then it affected your interaction with your kids. Will something as simple as a text scar them for life and ruin their future? No, but they may see and notice it, therefor it affected their interaction with you. My wife never thought she used her phone much until everyone pointed it out to her (kids included). 

If none of this applies to you then great, but I think that it may more than you would like to believe.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Squeakr said:


> To AnnieAsh and Maricha75,
> I understand what you are saying about being responsible, but that was not the question pondered, it was "interacting" with the kids and did it change. So you are meaning to tell me that you never got a text, call, email, etc from the AP and diverted yourself to sneak a quick peak when your kids were around you?
> 
> At their games you sat attentively and watched everything (never between innings, quarters, periods, etc you sneaked a peak at your phone)? These actions might seem harmless enough on the surface, but if you never did it before the A and did during the A, then your attention and interaction with your kids was affected no matter how minute.
> ...


Give me a break.
It happens with everything beyond the cheating.
Are you telling me BSs don't neglect their children just because the have a different acronim? They don't text, are distracted by anything?
Must they call it abandonement?
Lets be serious here.

My wife happens she neglected our kids. It doesn't have to be this way for everyone who cheats.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

No, no more than usual around them. When I went to the games, my dad and my sister were there. Was my phone "attached" to me? Yes. Is it now? For the most part, yes. Since I got my first cellphone, it has almost always been on my person, even before any cheating. But my biggest thing? I would talk to him while playing WoW. THAT was when the kids were potentially ignored/neglected... by both of us. We were always on that game, all day everyday, doing various things (not just talking with APs). 

You said people noticed your wife on her phone more... my family didn't notice any difference in my usage than that of my sisters, who have never cheated. They absolutely would have called me on it.

One last thing regarding peeking at phone between innings... remember I said my husband only went to two games, max? His reason? Anxiety. He would text me periodically, asking how it was going, what inning, how much longer, etc. So, no need to "sneak a peek" at anything. My husband was texting all the time. No sneaking. My attention was on the kids... two little ones as well as their big brother out in the field. And only took the time to respond quickly to my husband.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Did you sext in the WoW chat? I know it's a bit off topic but a WoW EA would be odd knowing your husband is right there in the game also. There are different circumstances when you talking about a MMO affair.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Acabado said:


> Give me a break.
> It happens with everything beyond the cheating.
> Are you telling me BSs don't neglect their children just because the have a different acronim? They don't text, are distracted by anything?
> Must they call it abandonement?
> ...


Give me a break, I am being serious here.

Yes, it does happen in everyday life, but when it is directly related to the affair, then it should be noted as such, as it wouldn't have happened otherwise. 

Life gets in the way, I am just as responsible for these types of distractions, since my job requires me to be on call, I must answer emails and calls. I can say without a doubt that the job has affected my interaction with my kids, but it is what allows me to support my kids and care for them, so it is give and take in this and I never choose my job over my kids but it may take some of our time together away.

As for the abandonment comment, I was actually speaking about true abandonment where a spouse physically leaves and abandons the child, because it does happen. The WS just up and leaves the child and family for the AP, I was not categorizing the low end of the spectrum as abandonment (but it is part of the wide spectrum). I personally don't consider texting and such as neglect (although some may agree), but it does affect the interaction with the children.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

MrBrains said:


> Did you sext in the WoW chat? I know it's a bit off topic but a WoW EA would be odd knowing your husband is right there in the game also. There are different circumstances when you talking about a MMO affair.


Why odd? The AP from mine had one before me, also from WoW...and guess what? He husband plays as well. She and her husband as well as AP and his wife would often run dungeons/raids together, were all in the same guild. My cousin and her husband just split because he was having an EA (which turned PA shortly before they split) with a woman in their guild. AP, my husband, and I did run dungeons together as well. But, to answer the question, no, no sexting while playing. However, he did go to bed before I did, except on raid nights.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Maricha75, thanks for the response. As to sneaking a peek, I was referring to anything A related and the quick look, not so much as like something was trying to hide something (like when they someone sneaks a kiss from their wife or such, that sort of sneak_ quick and stealthy to not draw attention to ones self). I know that everyone is distracted at times, I get it lots myself, but when the distraction is for the AP then it answers this question directly.

As to my wife. It was not so much what she was doing on the phone, just that she was on it more and more each day. When we first got the devices, it was strictly calls and a few emails. By the time she was in the A it became calls, emails, texts, games, web browsing, etc. She just increased her usage at least two times if not threefold. This everyone noticed. She wasn't always doing things related to the A, but due to the A she had checked out and found the phone as her release and haven.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Well my STBXH stopped virtually all interaction with the family, and the little we had was horrible. He yelled, screamed, ridiculed, and then ran upstairs to his cellphone and laptop. He stopped going to sporting events or school functions. Admittedly, he had some real emotional problems, but the last bought of depression tracked nicely along with the timeline for the EA/PAs. After D-day he moved to another state and had almost no contact with the kids. I understand that the OW he was mainly pursuing dropped him, but the neglect of his children continues.


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

Squeakr said:


> To AnnieAsh and Maricha75,
> I understand what you are saying about being responsible, but that was not the question pondered, it was "interacting" with the kids and did it change. So you are meaning to tell me that you never got a text, call, email, etc from the AP and diverted yourself to sneak a quick peak when your kids were around you?
> 
> At their games you sat attentively and watched everything (never between innings, quarters, periods, etc you sneaked a peak at your phone)? These actions might seem harmless enough on the surface, but if you never did it before the A and did during the A, then your attention and interaction with your kids was affected no matter how minute.
> ...


I totally get what you're saying. Sure, did I receive texts from om when I had my kids? Yeah but then again, I receive TONS of texts when I am with my girls. The real question is did I respond to him when I was with them? No, as a general rule, I did not. I felt like there was Family Time and Om Time. I saw him once a week in the evenings and then I made trips to have lunch with him while they were at school. 

To say ALL WS choose AP over their children is faulty thinking. I'm very invested in my children, especially because my husband's job (federal LE) requires that he be away for huge chunks of time.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

AnnieAsh said:


> I totally get what you're saying. Sure, did I receive texts from om when I had my kids? Yeah but then again, I receive TONS of texts when I am with my girls. The real question is did I respond to him when I was with them? No, as a general rule, I did not. I felt like there was Family Time and Om Time. I saw him once a week in the evenings and then I made trips to have lunch with him while they were at school.
> 
> To say ALL WS choose AP over their children is faulty thinking. I'm very invested in my children, especially because my husband's job (federal LE) requires that he be away for huge chunks of time.


But you are admitting that you did these things, so how is that flawed thinking? You admit that generally you didn't respond, but that means at times you did so you at those times chose the AP over your kids for however brief it may have been. To you it might have been a minute time but to someone else it might have seemed to be a large time. I am just saying no matter how small or inconsequential the time may be, it was still time that you chose AP over kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

Hum I don't remember any of that. I do remember Dday on a Sunday sitting all the kids down. 12,14,17 and telling them "mommy does not want to be married to daddy anymore and has been seeing someone else." Yes wife was there too. I felt it better for me to tell them than to find out though a rumor or someone else.

Wow and the wierd thing was after wife went to church. I told some of her friends and they questioned her too.

We have RR since then. But atleast for a year my son was really different around her. So they finially sat down and talked. He told her if she really had left he would have never talked or recongized her again. WOW.


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

Squeakr said:


> But you are admitting that you did these things, so how is that flawed thinking? You admit that generally you didn't respond, but that means at times you did so you at those times chose the AP over your kids for however brief it may have been. To you it might have been a minute time but to someone else it might have seemed to be a large time. I am just saying no matter how small or inconsequential the time may be, it was still time that you chose AP over kids.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


See I have this cool magical phone that shows me without even unlocking it who has texted me! Thanks, Apple! 

So I disagree most fervently that I ever chose him over my girls. My best friend texts me at least 20 times a day. If I glance at my phone and register that she has texted me, does that mean I am choosing her over my girls? Probably not because she doesn't want to eff me? I assume.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

AnnieAsh said:


> See I have this cool magical phone that shows me without even unlocking it who has texted me! Thanks, Apple!
> 
> So I disagree most fervently that I ever chose him over my girls. My best friend texts me at least 20 times a day. If I glance at my phone and register that she has texted me, does that mean I am choosing her over my girls? Probably not because she doesn't want to eff me? I assume.


I would agree that you are choosing the phone over your kids (unlocking it has nothing to do with it, just that you jump when it goes off so your attention is diverted and even though your BFF texts lots, I bet your heart leapt each time it went off when in the affair making checking that much more of a priority). It is a common things these days and is why some families have instituted no cell times (like family game night and dinners) as the phone is chosen over anyone else. I still hold true to the claim of choosing over the kids. Have you hurt them? I would say definitely not from what you say, but then again your perception is different from inside the A than from those outside of the A. 

I know that I have never cheated, yet my job takes my attention away from my kids at times. Before I was in an on call position, I never had a need to answer or look (unless out without the wife and thought it was her) so the phone was a very low priority. With it being a job requirement and priority I now find myself jumping at the slightest notice. I didn't think I was doing anything different than normal until friends (also in the same situation pointed out the changes in themselves and me this way) and my wife pointed out as well. Are my kids worse because of it? I don't think so (again someone outside of situation may judge differently than me but they are not neglected because of it) but my time with them is affected. Need the job so I can only change this by taking a different job ( and have been looking for a suitable replacement, although it is hard as with current one I can work from home, so it also affords me more time with family so not all bad being on call). 

I know enough from my wife's A and other family and friend's A's to know that the fog colors your perception of what is happening. Those in the A don't think they have changed when all the others around can see it. My wife went as far as to leave the kids for visits with her mother and friends (she was visiting them out of state) while she went with POSOM. On the surface it looked normal and as bonding time for her mother and the kids, but prior she never trusted her mother (prescription drug addiction issues) and since being discovered has once again stopped trusting mother again. I never even found she had done this until after the A was exposed as she went to help mother with medical issues over summer and I was at home for work. 

My own dad never talked on the phone prior to A (he had to increase plan minutes during A) and has once again stopped talking on phone since being discovered. He thought nothing of it, but when my mom discovered the phone plan change and minute usage it was a dead give away. He just thought he was acting the same and nothing had changed in his life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Colleen (Apr 17, 2013)

My WH started his affair in July '10, and quickly became obsessed with the relationship (I call her "Potato"). He had previously, through most of our children's lives, been an involved and active co-parent, although he traveled a great deal. He was especially close to our oldest, our daughter. They share many traits in common. 

We had planned a 15 day, 8 state trip of the west for two years. When we went, he was a complete bastard. Lying, acting horribly, yelling at us all the time. Didn't know it then, but he was texting, emailing and calling the Potato during every opportunity (two weeks after they had "fallen in love"). He had the kids (then 17 and 14) pick out postcards to send to her, and take pictures on his cellphone to send to her. She didn't care (I'm guessing, I have no idea truthfully) it was taking time away from them. 

On the last day, he asked me for a divorce. In Vegas. I cried all through dinner, because I never saw it coming, and he never said why. We decided to see what happened, to work it out for the time being. 

At his parent's 50th anniversary celebration, he was terrible (September). That's when our daughter asked me to throw him out of the house, she knew he was up to something long before I did. In November, our son asked the same thing. He made Thanksgiving a nightmare, and was emotionally abusive and horrible. I'm ashamed to say, I put up with it. He had not been like this for the previous 25 years we had been together, I assumed he was just going through a rough phase. He ruined our daughter's chance to go to her first choice college. Our lives were so tense and stressful, she missed turning in one form to get the scholarship she needed to go there (out of state). He ruined her senior year.

In December, I finally found the money he had hidden, the spreadsheets of before and after (divorce) and the hundreds of cell phone interactions with the Potato, as well as her picture. I asked the children if they wanted him gone before Christmas (I did not discuss the affair) and they said yes. Our son heard him yelling at me when I confronted him with the evidence, and kept asking if his father cheated. I eventually told him yes. Our son then told his sister. He moved out in January '11. Our children still have not forgiven him, and their relationship is tenuous at best. 

After he did some counseling, and begged for forgiveness, we reconciled. We are still back together, and he has been very tolerant of all our baggage, the kids and me. We've all had therapy at this point, but I don't know if it will ever be the same between them and him. Our daughter refuses to date (she's now 20, a junior in college this fall), and our son went through a phase with drugs (which still requires testing). The whole family suffers in this situations. There are never any winners. Period.


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