# Just told my husband we need to separate



## Goldfinch (Jan 22, 2013)

Hi, this is my first post here.

Yesterday I told my husband that I think we need to separate.

This year will be our 25th anniversary of marriage and we have a 22 year old son who lives at home and a 20 year old daughter in college, who comes home on breaks.

I was a stay at home mom, then a part time substitute teacher, and 3 years ago I started to work two part time jobs that equaled about 40 hours a week. My husband is an attorney and makes a lot of money.

He is very reserved, doesn't talk, rarely shows emotion of any kind, can never say no, but is a good kind person. I can honestly say that he has not changed one bit since I met him 27 years ago.

But once the kids grew up it was very apparent that we have nothing in common, and never do anything together. We never fight, but also never talk. We never even eat or watch tv together. But that was fine with me, I didn't want to break up my marriage, and I found other people to share my interests. I never was interested in another "love" relationship or any kind of affair with anyone else, but I did want to pursue my interests.

Things fell apart 3 months ago when he told me that he was having trouble paying the bills and then he told me borrowed money from his brother. It then came out that he borrowed money from his brother three years ago and I didn't know about it. That time it was $40,000, this time only $10,000. He says his firm isn't doing well this year, therefore we don't have enough money to pay the bills.

I have never been involved in the finances, despite having asked to be involved. Last fall I discovered that he let his life insurance lapse, so I got him a new policy, and I requested that he give me all of the account numbers, passwords, user names, phone numbers, etc of all of our accounts in case anything happened to him. I even made him up a chart that he could fill in. I asked repeatedly, but he never did it. Three weeks ago I told him I want to pay the bills and he said no, but he would show me what he is doing, however I have seen nothing.

Since I have known him, he has gambled on sports and at casinos. Now that there is online poker I know he gambles online too. I have asked him if our financial problems are due to gambling and he said he doesn't do it much and that isn't the reason for our problems. A few years ago he got kicked out of his poker club for cheating and he swore he would never gamble again, but he says he is gambling now, but "not much".

After he borrowed the money from his brother, he didn't change his life, or our lives at all. He still played golf, went to expensive sporting events, took golf vacations, bought new cars, etc. There was no reason for me to think there was a problem. And nothing is in my name. This time his brother said he wanted to sit down and talk to us about our finances and I asked my husband to bring all of the documentation, but all he showed up with was a yellow piece of paper listing all of the credit cards and the balances. He has 7 credit cards in his name only, and we have 3 cars that we are making payments on, all in his name.

We bought our house 15 years ago for $290,000 and now owe $690,000. This was due to refinancing, taking equity out of the house to "pay off debts", but that never happened. The debts are still there and the mortgage is now $400,000 more. The mortgage is in his name, but the house is owned by both of us.

We decided to sell the house to reduce our monthly housing costs, and we are currently in negotiations with a buyer. I told him yesterday that we need to separate after we sell the house. If we had a more stable foundation for our marriage I think this financial stuff would be something we can work on together. But considering our marriage was more like two roommates, without any communication or sense of closeness, this seems like the tipping point for me. He didn't say much, just three things:

Is this about my debt?
I'm sorry you feel that way.
This is going to be hard financially if we have to get two places to live.

Now I have to figure out what to do. I have to tell the kids, and I assume they will be angry with me, and will want to live with him. I don't even know what the next step is. It is going to be difficult to maintain two places to live. I feel awful, because I still believe he is a good person, and I don't have evidence that our problems are due to his gambling, but even if he is doing it "not much" that still seems to be too much if we don't even have money to pay our bills. I'm very worried that whatever extra money we get won't be used to pay down the debt, based on past experience when he told me we needed equity from the house to pay down debt, and it never happened.

I also can't support myself on my salary, having had no career for so long, but I have a good job now, it just isn't really high paying, and has no benefits.

Can anyone give me suggestions of what my next steps should be, or if I even am doing the right thing? Thank you.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I see that many have read your post but did not leave a comment... The truth is we cant tell you what to do. You need to do some soul searching and make sure this is really what you want. Your kids are old enough to understand the what and the whys of the situation that is going on. You are the only one who can decide on this. If there is a will there is a way to make this happen.


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

I think you should try counseling. Individual counseling and together. And also try reading the 5 Love Languages, and The Divorce Remedy, assuming you have not. Try looking into Marriage Missions website online and read about divorce etc. don't make a rash decision. It sounds like you still love him and have a good solid foundation to grow upon and just need patience, prayer, and unconditional love back into your lives. 
Please try to save your marriage at all costs and if it still doesn't work out at least you won't have such guilt & would know you've true your very best!
Try reading the Love Dare also! 
Bet wishes for you and your family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

Did you tell him you feel like you two never do anything together and have different interests? People grow apart all the time and just aren't willing to put forth the effort to do things together and re-ignite their relationship. Have you showed any interest in things he does? It takes effort on both parts. Lots of marriages grow stale and require work or counseling. Its such a shame to see you throw away 25 years. 

You said he hasn't changed a bit in 27 years, but now you want to throw it all away after that long a time for what? If he didn't make you happy 20 years ago why did you continue with the marriage for so long?

Did you think about seeking marriage counseling? At least give him the opportunity. Tell him the problems you have with the debt and lack of attention and see what he does or says. 

You said you two feel like roommates, but what have you done for your marriage to not be roommates. Its so easy for someone to do nothing towards rebuilding a connection then become resentful when their spouse doesn't do what they expect them to do. You get about as much love out of a relationship as you put into it. 

My wife and I divorced and she pulled the roommates thing on me. In my defense I was a little naive maybe and caught up in day to day work, schedules and routines and lost sight of things. Mainly how important she was to me and how much she meant to me.
I always knew how much she meant to me, but I didn't put enough effort into showing her. I was content just living with her and us living our lives together forever. 

When she started to grow apart from me I tried for over a year to get closer to her and she would not let me. She wouldn't open up and just be honest about what she felt and wanted and grew exceedingly hostile towards my attempts. When directly questioned she strung me along telling me it wasn't me that was the problem, but her. Which made me think I wasn't really doing anything wrong.
I possibly needed a shock to wake me up, but I stood by her for many years and its upsetting when I needed her most she bailed.

She had already decided she didn't see me as a lover anymore and found someone else and I had no chance after that. The problem is that all the times I didn't read her signs, or said and did the wrong things were not out of a lack of love. Again they were me being naive, stupid and just not getting it. I wasn't sure what was going on or how to fix things at the time, but I loved her and trusted her and never expected she would dump me after we had been through so much. She was my world and I loved her dearly. I would have done anything for her. I just didn't, at the time, have the toolset and knowledge to do the right things and right the ship in time.

Why are relationships so difficult? Someone needs to fix that song 'all you need is love' and add the following lyrics to it 'and therapy, self help books and counseling'.


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## Goldfinch (Jan 22, 2013)

lee101981 said:


> I see that many have read your post but did not leave a comment... The truth is we cant tell you what to do. You need to do some soul searching and make sure this is really what you want. Your kids are old enough to understand the what and the whys of the situation that is going on. You are the only one who can decide on this. If there is a will there is a way to make this happen.


Thank you. I guess I just feel like I don't have a plan, I'm not sure what the process is, and I always feel lost when I don't have a plan. I appreciate your response, thank you.


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## Goldfinch (Jan 22, 2013)

veebras said:


> I think you should try counseling. Individual counseling and together. And also try reading the 5 Love Languages, and The Divorce Remedy, assuming you have not. Try looking into Marriage Missions website online and read about divorce etc. don't make a rash decision. It sounds like you still love him and have a good solid foundation to grow upon and just need patience, prayer, and unconditional love back into your lives.
> Please try to save your marriage at all costs and if it still doesn't work out at least you won't have such guilt & would know you've true your very best!
> Try reading the Love Dare also!
> Bet wishes for you and your family.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am in counseling and have been for over 4 years. We had family counseling with my son last year for a few months, and my husband liked the therapist, so that might be a good idea.

I have not read any books, thank you for the suggestions, I will look into those.


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## Goldfinch (Jan 22, 2013)

NoWhere said:


> Did you tell him you feel like you two never do anything together and have different interests? People grow apart all the time and just aren't willing to put forth the effort to do things together and re-ignite their relationship. Have you showed any interest in things he does? It takes effort on both parts. Lots of marriages grow stale and require work or counseling. Its such a shame to see you throw away 25 years.


Yes, I did tell him. I do occasionally go to sporting events with him, and we went on vacation last year to a place where he could play golf. All of his activities involve sports. I also went to the gym with him, but I didn't want to invest in a gym membership because I am an outdoors person. 



NoWhere said:


> You said he hasn't changed a bit in 27 years, but now you want to throw it all away after that long a time for what? If he didn't make you happy 20 years ago why did you continue with the marriage for so long?


When I said he hasn't changed, I meant that in a good way. It's not like he just became another person after all of this time. We were happy 20 years ago, our kids were babies and all throughout their childhood we had that bond in common. We would spend time together because of the children.



NoWhere said:


> Did you think about seeking marriage counseling? At least give him the opportunity. Tell him the problems you have with the debt and lack of attention and see what he does or says.


I am going to suggest that, thank you.



NoWhere said:


> You said you two feel like roommates, but what have you done for your marriage to not be roommates. Its so easy for someone to do nothing towards rebuilding a connection then become resentful when their spouse doesn't do what they expect them to do. You get about as much love out of a relationship as you put into it.


I have tried to get him to do some of the things I like to do, like I asked him if he would go on a hike with me, but he said it was golf season. I ask him to go to certain restaurants with me that have vegan food, but he won't, so we only go to restaurants that he likes. I ask him to go on bike rides with me, and he doesn't want to do that. I cook healthy food and he won't eat it, so he goes out to get fast food (he is overweight and not very healthy). I don't think I should just do everything he likes to do, and he doesn't have to do anything I like to do. But I guess I haven't tried hard enough.



NoWhere said:


> My wife and I divorced and she pulled the roommates thing on me. In my defense I was a little naive maybe and caught up in day to day work, schedules and routines and lost sight of things. Mainly how important she was to me and how much she meant to me.
> I always knew how much she meant to me, but I didn't put enough effort into showing her. I was content just living with her and us living our lives together forever.
> 
> When she started to grow apart from me I tried for over a year to get closer to her and she would not let me. She wouldn't open up and just be honest about what she felt and wanted and grew exceedingly hostile towards my attempts. When directly questioned she strung me along telling me it wasn't me that was the problem, but her. Which made me think I wasn't really doing anything wrong.
> ...


I'm sorry that my post triggered negative feelings for you because of what your wife did. My husband never talks, never expresses any feelings, and that was fine at first because my life was very centered on the children, but now that it is just him and me, I would like to have conversations with him. I have no desire to have a relationship with another man, or even date anyone else.

I would like my husband to open up about the gambling and at least admit he has a problem. 

Thank you for responding.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

Goldfinch said:


> I have tried to get him to do some of the things I like to do, like I asked him if he would go on a hike with me, but he said it was golf season. I ask him to go to certain restaurants with me that have vegan food, but he won't, so we only go to restaurants that he likes. I ask him to go on bike rides with me, and he doesn't want to do that. I cook healthy food and he won't eat it, so he goes out to get fast food (he is overweight and not very healthy). I don't think I should just do everything he likes to do, and he doesn't have to do anything I like to do. But I guess I haven't tried hard enough.


Well if your aren't worth enough to him to set aside some time and do some of these things with you then you are right in seeking to get out of the marriage. Just make sure you tell him what you said above and make sure he understands that his lack of commitment to you and your marriage has driven a wedge between you two and if you are not worth some effort then you need to get out of this unhealthy marriage and find someone who is willing to put for the effort. I'm truly sorry you find yourself in this situation. Love shouldn't be so difficult.



Goldfinch said:


> I'm sorry that my post triggered negative feelings for you because of what your wife did. My husband never talks, never expresses any feelings, and that was fine at first because my life was very centered on the children, but now that it is just him and me, I would like to have conversations with him. I have no desire to have a relationship with another man, or even date anyone else.
> 
> I would like my husband to open up about the gambling and at least admit he has a problem.
> 
> Thank you for responding.


 No worries you didn't bring back any negative feelings. I've never gotten over my divorce. Atleast not yet. Only knew she wanted out in Sept and haven't been officially divorced since December. So I'm still trying to move on. Its hard to shake 13 years of your life. You get so use to having someone around who cares and get so attached to the life you built for yourself. Its impossible to just shrug it all off in a instant. I see her face in my minds eye everyday and ask myself why all the time. I think I'm still in shock and doubt I ever will fully understand.


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## Serenity_Prayer (Oct 31, 2012)

Your general environment sounds like mine - husband working all the time, him spending a lot of money, him refusing to talk about the relationship or do anything I like. I lived in a day to day fog of avoidance, not really paying attention to what was happening, just getting through the day. Together for the sake of the kids. I tried talking and talking, tried counseling, etc. I couldn't do it alone if he wouldn't budge. And like you, there was no other man. I put up with it for years before I gave up.

He has to work on fixing things too, or it just won't happen. At the very least, you need to get your head out of the sand and be more active in your finances. Sounds like you're working on it, asking for balances and passwords and such. I had my head in the sand too, so I know how easy it is.

Good luck to you in whatever you decide. It is tough but in my case I do not regret my decision one iota.


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## Goldfinch (Jan 22, 2013)

Serenity_Prayer said:


> Your general environment sounds like mine - husband working all the time, him spending a lot of money, him refusing to talk about the relationship or do anything I like. I lived in a day to day fog of avoidance, not really paying attention to what was happening, just getting through the day. Together for the sake of the kids. I tried talking and talking, tried counseling, etc. I couldn't do it alone if he wouldn't budge. And like you, there was no other man. I put up with it for years before I gave up.
> 
> He has to work on fixing things too, or it just won't happen. At the very least, you need to get your head out of the sand and be more active in your finances. Sounds like you're working on it, asking for balances and passwords and such. I had my head in the sand too, so I know how easy it is.
> 
> Good luck to you in whatever you decide. It is tough but in my case I do not regret my decision one iota.


Thank you Serenity. I did have my head in the sand regarding the finances, but I trusted him. I took care of so much in the house and with the kids, and he earned the money and took care of that. Not well apparently. And now that I want to know what is going on, he won't open up about it.

I'm so glad to know that you don't regret your decision, that is my biggest fear.


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## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

Goldfinch. Could you please help me here. My wife of 3 years has left, stating she doesnt love me anymore. I know each case is different, but it is simular to yours. Do u feel sad that your marriage is over? And even though you dont want him, do you miss your husband?

I cant begin to think why my wife, who i trusted, and spent 7 years with, just switched off her love completely.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Goldfinch (Jan 22, 2013)

rickster said:


> Goldfinch. Could you please help me here. My wife of 3 years has left, stating she doesnt love me anymore. I know each case is different, but it is simular to yours. Do u feel sad that your marriage is over? And even though you dont want him, do you miss your husband?
> 
> I cant begin to think why my wife, who i trusted, and spent 7 years with, just switched off her love completely.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Rickster - I am sorry your wife left you. Were you gambling? Did you get the family into $100,000 in credit card debt, take $400,000 in equity out of your home, and borrow $50,000 from your brother without telling her? Spend all of the children's college savings so that they have to take loans? Have a payment plan to the IRS because you can't pay your taxes? My husband did all of that.

I am still hoping my marriage isn't over, but it looks like my husband would rather we separate than involve me at all in our finances, let alone have me take over the whole process of paying bills, etc.

I didn't switch off my love. I feel betrayed, and I feel that he isn't admitting he has a problem and to protect myself I need to get away from him financially. Yes, I feel very sad. We are still living together until we figure out where we will each live, but I'm not sure I will miss him.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

You know rereading your posts Goldfinch I get the feeling your husband doesn't want you involved in the finances because he is still hiding something. I just get that impression. Maybe just more debt you don't know about or something similiar.

Also addicted gamblers are like drug users. If asked they never have a real problem and don't do it that much. They lie to themselves and everyone around them. I mean if he can't pay the bills then its time to downsize. Sell one of the 3 cars, some furniture etc. Anything you guys can to pay off debt.


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## Goldfinch (Jan 22, 2013)

NoWhere said:


> You know rereading your posts Goldfinch I get the feeling your husband doesn't want you involved in the finances because he is still hiding something. I just get that impression. Maybe just more debt you don't know about or something similiar.
> 
> Also addicted gamblers are like drug users. If asked they never have a real problem and don't do it that much. They lie to themselves and everyone around them. I mean if he can't pay the bills then its time to downsize. Sell one of the 3 cars, some furniture etc. Anything you guys can to pay off debt.


Oh he is definitely hiding something. It can't just be pride. He obviously has a gambling problem and he won't admit it, and there isn't anything I can do for him until he does admit it. 

We are selling our house. It is very sad.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

I'm so sorry for you Goldfinch. You seem like such a nice person who has obviously gone through a lot for a very long time. I hope soon you will find a light at the end of the tunnel and things will turn around. Stay strong!


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## Goldfinch (Jan 22, 2013)

I had another talk with my husband the other day, and I asked him if he thought at all about what I said regarding us separating. He asked what I wanted him to do, and I told him, again, that I need to know what is going on with our finances. I asked him why we are in such debt and he said he thought he could handle everything, but he screwed up and he is sorry. I also found out that in addition to the $50,000 his brother gave him, his father also gave him $20,000. I asked him where all of that money went and he said it went to bills. I asked if it went to bills, why is our debt even higher than now, and he again said he screwed up and he is sorry. He said he will give me a list of the bills every month and I said that is not good enough, I want statements and I want to see the actual bills. Yesterday he gave me an envelope with some of this month's statements in it.

I guess I will never know what happened to all of the money that his family gave him.

I brought up the gambling and he said he has been gambling, but hasn't been winning or losing, he is even. And football is over, so he won't be betting on football anymore. I said what about the super bowl, and he said he wouldn't bet on the super bowl, but he said it in a very irritated voice. He said gambling is his entertainment, but fine, if I don't want him to do it he won't.

He is irritated at me for telling him not to gamble when we have almost $200,000 worth of debt and a mortgage that is $400,000 more than when we moved in 15 years ago?

But now that he has given me the bills, I suppose he thinks he did what I asked and all is well now.

We will probably be finalizing the sale of our house in April, and I need to figure out what to do next.

I've been talking with his brother, who is very supportive of me. He says that my husband doesn't talk, and that is true. He not only doesn't talk to me, he doesn't talk to anyone. I told his brother that we didn't exactly have the greatest marriage before I found out about all of this debt. He said he doesn't blame me for wanting to separate.

I think I need to talk to a lawyer to find out if I will be responsible for half of the debt.


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