# My wife is having an emotional affair and i am ready to blow up!



## jay125 (May 15, 2013)

Hi guys, i am new to the site but have been lurking as a guest for a while now. Anyway been married to my wife for a least two years now, been great for the most part and then facebook comes alone Weeks ago i saw a comment by a guy on her page that i found weird and my mind started racing. I ask her about it and she said he is a long time friend and she even knows his wife. Well weeks later, my gut feeling was telling me to check more. She left her facebook open one day and i saw a bunch of private messages most of them him hitting on her and she just laughing about it and telling him to behave that he is married and her too. I find that very inappropriate for a married woman to be talking that way and flirting behind my back. Well a few days ago she found out that i put a spy program in the pc and got really upset that i don't trust her and so and so. She still don't know i saw all the private messages between them. Should i tell her i saw it and warn her to stay away from him or else? She is upset now and won't even talk to me cause she said i don't trust her.


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

Sounds like she is upset because she wont be able to easily carry on with the OM. Speaking from experience here. 

She doesnt get to be upset if her marriage and you are important to her. You need to have a sit down with her. It sounds like you caught this in its early stages which is a good thing....


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

I know this is gonna sound crass, but...

"She is upset now and won't even talk to me cause she said i don't trust her."

Ummm...no sh-t. She's been unfaithful by engaging in those chats. Period. I would let her know what you found and tell her she's got some explaining to do. 

Blameshifting like she's doing is part of the cheater's script. They all do it. Some stop sooner than others and others never stop. You'll know how deep in denial she is when you confront her.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

You absolutely should confront her. She needs to have no further contact with him.

Also, tell the OM's wife about this.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If the roles were reversed she would not accept such flirting and disrespect from you so why are you accepting this from her? No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.


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## jay125 (May 15, 2013)

Thank you, well they have been talking a long time by the dates on the messages. Is not a every day thing but when they talk he keeps hitting on her like you should send me pics modeling and she just laughs about it. Again mostly from him but still very inappropriate. I love my wife and want this to work. I'm gona have to tell her I saw the messages and to stop it.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

jay125 said:


> Thank you, well they have been talking a long time by the dates on the messages. Is not a every day thing but when they talk he keeps hitting on her like you should send me pics modeling and she just laughs about it. Again mostly from him but still very inappropriate. I love my wife and want this to work. *I'm gona have to tell her I saw the messages and to stop it.*


Absolutely.

See, the problem is this - her "out" is that she just giggled and laughed at his comments. The reality is she loved it. She desired and craved it.

And that, my man, is where the slippery slope begins.

Trust me on that. My wife did that and wound up in a FIVE YEAR AFFAIR.

Crush this sh-t NOW.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Make copies of the messages BEFORE you confront her, as they'll likely disappear shortly after. And consider a policy of transparency for BOTH of you in the marriage going forward. No passwords on phones (or you share them), shared email and FB passwords, etc. 

C


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Ya I'd get copies and print of all their interactions before you confront and keep them safe. Also might not be a bad idea to warn that guy off via facebook although if you do it online don't do anything that would incriminate you, come off as a threat, or make you look bad in court.


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## jay125 (May 15, 2013)

Thank you guys, I will confront her in a few minutes. I won't put up with this, I have been straight with her and don't even talk to female friends unless is in public. Yes she likes that attention and I don't know why.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> You absolutely should confront her. She needs to have no further contact with him.
> 
> Also, tell the OM's wife about this.


Ya, copy the messages and forward them to the OM's wife...see what she thinks about it....if you want, just take screen shots by pressing the "prnt sc" button on your keyboard and pasting it in MSpaint. Send to OM's wife and get her opinion.


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## jay125 (May 15, 2013)

Yes I already took pics of the messages with my phone, I will keep you guys updated. Is very sad how someone you love can stab you in the back like that but that's life right.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You need to sit her down and have a calm discussion about a couple of things---one being there is no privacy, and the other, is, if you find a need to look at the things she does, it would be because, she is doing things that are harmful to the mge---like talking to other men behind your back-

Be calm, but do not let her bluff you---tell her if she doesn't wanna talk, then maybe she also doesn't wanna be married----make sure she knows that you are hurt by her actions, that she has no right to go behind your back and talk to other men---make sure she knows that, that is a form of cheating


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

You must confront her and make it clear to her that this "relationship" with this guy must end and you will accept nothing less. If she doesn't then the marriage is over; period! This is what I did when my wife started e-mailing an ex-boyfriend (I caught it very early). I was prepared to give up a 30 year relationship in a heartbeat for a few e-mails, but I'm convinced that I avoided a load of heartache by doing that. You need to be prepared to do the same if she doesn't stop and she must believe you are serious about it. If she still doesn't see it your way, you've lost her anyway. If you succumb to the "you are controlling" or "you don't own me" or "you've invaded my privacy" comments, you'll be doomed. This is your marriage, stand up and defend it vigorously.


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## jay125 (May 15, 2013)

Thank you, right now she is lock in the bedroom and won't open the door to me. I think is better that way so I can calm down. I am a muscular 37 year old man and don't need attention from other woman so I don't get why she does that. Thank you for the help guys, this site is a blessing.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

jay125 said:


> Should i tell her i saw it and warn her to stay away from him or else?


No. You should ask your wife if she has conversations with men on Facebook that she otherwise wouldn't have if you were present. After she lies, (and she will), tell her to get her "friend" on the phone, and on a 3 way call, ask them to please read their messages to each other out loud (this of course, they won't do). After she refuses to reenact their posts out loud, ask her if it would make it easier on her if we get his wife to read his parts; this of course will push her over the top.

Now ask her what she's hiding.

T

*Edit: So did you confront her already?*


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## jay125 (May 15, 2013)

Thank you middleman, great post. Did you stay with her and how's things now? Believe me I'm not gona take nothing else but for her to break off any contact with that scumbag.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

THE OMW deserves to see those messages.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

I also agree with Middleman. 

Nip it in the bud. 

Fix the OM's a$$ too, tell his wife.

It is more than inappropriate. 

This is what happens when there are lose boundaries towards the opposite sex. She caused all this drama by entertaining him and not cutting it off on the spot. 

Here get a read on this.

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"

Not "Just Friends"


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## jay125 (May 15, 2013)

Thank you, yes is all her fault for not stopping him right then and there. I have boundaries against male friends and me with female friends. I respect my wife but she's letting me down right now and is so disappointed.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

jay125 said:


> Thank you, right now she is lock in the bedroom and won't open the door to me.


I get the feeling that this is going to be really messy and you are going to hear and see more than you know now. Be strong and stick to your resolve. you have a long way to go.


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## jay125 (May 15, 2013)

Thank you, she still lock in the bedroom and changed her fb password and block me. I feel like breaking that door but I need to calm down. She will get out soon


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

You should expose to family and friends also. At least family anyway.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Yeah...don't break the door down. They can be a b-tch to replace due to the frame being askew AND you might scare her.

She is showing you exactly how deep the rabbit hole goes, my man.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Do not get emotional

Cool Calm and dispassionate

Set your boundaries.

If she doesn't agree, then file for Divorce.

Do not lose your cool.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Long time friend? I wrote this in response to another poster whose W had "reconnected" to an old flame on f**kbook:

Right now, the texts/messages/conversations may be innocent fun, but soon, it may morph into:

Their lives since they parted
Their relationships since they parted
Their families
Their spouses
You
How you're an excellent father
How you're a great husband
How you're a wonderful guy
Your job
How your job keeps you busy
How your job keeps you away
How she sometimes feels lonely when you're away
How she sometimes feels a little overburdened at home
How she sometimes feels a little taken for granted
How she feels that you don't ALWAYS listen to her
How she feels that you don't ALWAYS understand her
How she feels like sometimes you're just "not there" for her
How...okay, you're not ALWAYS such a wonderful guy
How she loved hearing from him again
How she loves talking to him again
How she looks forward to his texts/e-mails now
How she feels young again
How she feels appreciated again
How she feels attractive again
How it's been so, so long since you made her feel that way
How her eyes have suddenly been opened
How she now realizes what she truly wants and needs
How she now realizes that you can't give that to her
How insensitive you can be sometimes
How you can be a real jerk sometimes
How she wonders if they would have stayed together
How she now realizes that she never really loved you
How she now realizes that she really loved him all along
How on earth she could have fallen for a jerk like you
How you're the biggest a++hole she's ever known 
How you're standing in the way of her true happiness
How you ruined her life
How she made a big mistake marrying you
How she made an even bigger mistake letting him go
How they were really meant to be together
How she desperately has to get away from you
How she's definitely going to leave you
How she's talking to divorce lawyers
How they're going to live happily ever after...

...get the picture?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

*Re: Re: My wife is having an emotional affair and i am ready to blow up!*



SomedayDig said:


> She is showing you exactly how deep the rabbit hole goes, my man.


I agree with Dig on this. 

And stay calm but resolved.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

How about exposing to the OM's wife?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

tell her to either come out of the bedroom, and talk about this, and whatever is behind it---or you will put D, on the table RIGHT NOW

Do not yell at her, be calm, and icy cold---but let her know in plain terms---you will not be in a mge, where she communicates with other men, unless they are friends of the mge, or it has to do with the day to day running of the mge

Tell her she comes out of the room now, and becomes totally open to you, as far as electronics go---or you will go immediately to an atty---do not give her a long time limit on coming out of her locked room---tell her you NEED to talk now----if she does not come out w/in 10 minutes---leave---and go COMPLETELY DARK ON HER---drive around, visit friends, workout, set up an apt with an atty---get away for a few hours---and if tries to contact you---DO NOT RESPOND----------lets see what she does, when faced with you standing up to her, and allowing for no more of her BS


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## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

Facebook is sooooo dangerous. Ask my XW. She's now married to her facebook f**kbuddy. 

Don't take it lightly. I got the same crap from my XW. "We're just friends, we're just catching up with each other, we just had lunch, etc". It just got worse and worse.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

If she is not up to no good she would not be changing her fb password and blocking you. As part of working through this you need to make sure you have access to all of that again. If she isnt going to be transparent she isnt really working on things.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

And you might want to have a recorder on you if you even suspect she would accuse you of threatening her or making her fear for her safety. It happens.


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## jay125 (May 15, 2013)

*Re: Re: My wife is having an emotional affair and i am ready to blow up!*



F-102 said:


> How about exposing to the OM's wife?


I will do that later, I have to talk to my wife first. I am calm now, just frustrated and so disappointed in my wife. Like I said in most of the messages is him coming on to her and she saying no but in a playful way. But the point is, is up to the woman and she a least out of respect should had stop this fool long time ago.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Jay,

Also insist that she go 100% no cintact with thsi scumbag and remove him from FB NOW!

Get ready for a real sh1t show from her


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

jay125 said:


> Like I said in most of the messages is him coming on to her and she saying no but in a playful way. But the point is, is up to the woman and she a least out of respect should had stop this fool long time ago.


Bingo. Time to play hardball. Confront her with the texts...and if she starts giving you anything that sounds like bs, then tell her to pack her bags. If she seems to be honest...then make it very clear that this boundary WILL NOT BE CROSSED AGAIN...and the fb needs to be closed...that the monitoring program will stay on...if she starts to argue, then tell her to pack her things. If she agrees...then insist you both go to marital counseling...if she disagrees, or later comes up with lame excuses to not go...pack her bags. If she agrees to this stuff, but you suspect and discover she went "underground" as a lot of them do to still talk to OM...then tell her to kick rocks. There MUST be consequences for her choices. But if she is truly contrite, honest, and works with you, then you are going to have to toughen up and start handling your marriage better, so she won't slip out the back door like this. Of course, she may very well decide to throw a tiffy...and act all offended and be indignant about her actions. Don't let that anger you feel cause you to lose it, because you donm't wanna do something you'll regret and you will have lost ALL you leverage...just calmly tell her that she is free to go...to pack her stuff...cos if she isn't making a decision for the marriage...then she doesn't need to be around. Be cool, calm, collected...don't let her ugly emotions...or any foul excuses get to you. Be solid, tranquil water.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

I am glad that you are calm now. You will get the "you are controlling" speech and "how can you not trust me?" speech. The proper response is that you have no ability to control her. The only ting you can control is what you do. And you will not stay in a marriage where you are disrespected and your wife is unfaithful. Period.

Next I would tell her if everything is so innocent she should have no problem

Next I would tell her if everything is so innocent, she should have no problem with you sharing her messages with her mother and with the OM wife/GF. That's the true test of whther this activity is appropriate or not.

Finally. She is totally in control. She can have total transparency or total dissolution. Totally her choice


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

jay125 said:


> Like I said in most of the messages is him coming on to her and she saying no but in a playful way. But the point is, is up to the woman and she a least out of respect should had stop this fool long time ago.


No, the point is there's more, *lots more*, you'll see.

She isn't behind a locked door over fending off a few flirtatious comments.

T


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

KanDo said:


> I am glad that you are calm now. You will get the "you are controlling" speech and "how can you not trust me?" speech. The proper response is that you have no ability to control her. The only ting you can control is what you do. And you will not stay in a marriage where you are disrespected and your wife is unfaithful. Period.
> 
> Next I would tell her if everything is so innocent she should have no problem
> 
> ...


I like this. Be firm and don't give in. You come down on her hard and fast, next time she'll think twice about doing what she did. Good luck with the confrontation. And also you've been lucky or should I say vigilant enough to discover this early, don't waste the opportunity of shutting this operation down before it becomes a gargantuan monster.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Tony55 said:


> No, the point is there's more, *lots more*, you'll see.
> 
> She isn't behind a locked door over fending off a few flirtatious comments.
> 
> T


The question to the OP is a simple one.

This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back.

"You take the blue pill. The story ends. You wake up in your bed and believe…whatever you want to believe.

You take the red pill. You stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.

Remember. All I'm offering is the truth. Nothing more."


Jay...I hate to make innuendos, yet sometimes that's not all they are. If you knew me and my history here, you would know that I don't say this sh-t lightly. Ever.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

The only thing she has going for her is that she didn't flirt back. However, it seems like she did enjoy the attention. 

I think you caught this early before it got any worse.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

crossbar said:


> The only thing she has going for her is that she didn't flirt back. However, it seems like she did enjoy the attention.
> 
> I think you caught this early before it got any worse.


:iagree:

And it can get much worse very, very quickly because they have a past history.


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## jay125 (May 15, 2013)

Ok we talked but not for long, she had an appointment. She said is just a typical married man hitting on a woman and as i saw she has denied all his advances. Calling me insecure lol. I told her this needs to stop and NOW. I don't buy the insecurity crap. We will talk more when she gets back, thank you guys and this why you can't never trust no one 100 percent.


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

Good call.

Now stick to your guns. She needs to learn that this is dangerous and unacceptable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Jay,

If the roles were reversed I am sure she would be singing a different tune - don't you?


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## jay125 (May 15, 2013)

I sure will, I understand that men will hit on her as my wife is a beautiful woman with a great body but she needs to respect me and put a stop to that.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You guys really need this book

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"

You also should ask her if you need to be tested for STD's. If nothing else, that might make her realize how serious this really is. Because right now it doesn't sound to me like she's taking it seriously at ALL.

What was her appt for and how long did she expect to be? If she has GPS on her phone, track her.

Have you delved into her email and bank accounts at all? Had a look at her phone? She needs to open all of that up to you RIGHT NOW, with you looking on, to show you she hasn't been up to anything else.

The FB password is COMPLETELY unacceptable. Completely. She gives it to you NOW and you have a look at it. She doesn't get a chance to delete ANYthing.

Her right to privacy just ended. Indefinitely. If she doesn't like it, tough tittie.


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

Don't expose to omw later. Do it now
And don't give your wife any warning about doing it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

jay125 said:


> Ok we talked but not for long, she had an appointment. She said is just a typical married man hitting on a woman and as i saw she has denied all his advances. Calling me insecure lol. I told her this needs to stop and NOW. I don't buy the insecurity crap. We will talk more when she gets back, thank you guys and this why you can't never trust no one 100 percent.


I hope she had an appointment and doesn't call OM to get their stories straight -- warn him you may contact his wife -- and make it sound like you are crazy.

The good thing is --- she doesn't know you have the messages between them stored away.

Good luck !!


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

This is NOT normal. Normal married men do not hit on married womem via facebook messages and normal married women do not tolerate these advances. And strong husbands don't put up with this BS from their wives. 

You don't care whether she thinks you are insecure. If she wants to continue in this vein, she is welcome to do so as a divorced woman. No begging, no negotiation no discussion.

My transparent discussion stands.

Please immediately send these messages to the OM's wife.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

She's going to try to make you feel small and insecure. Try to make you feel shame for not "trusting her" DON'T FALL FOR THAT!

Just say something like "That's not how I see it, let's ask your mother to read the messages and see if she thinks they're appropriate and harmless"

Stay strong and don't bend on this. Tell her if she wants to lock you out of a room then she should find a hotel room to move to. In your house you - like she - have rights to enter where you want. 

Tough times don't last. Tough people do! Be strong and don't bend!


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## jay125 (May 15, 2013)

Thanks man, I love that quote about tough times don't last tough people do. Any other person that read those messages will agree with me that I'm sure. I will not back down from this and I pray to God we can get through this but if not I'm not gona be one of those men that will let their wife walk all over them just so she don't leave.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Any kids?


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## jay125 (May 15, 2013)

She has from a previous marriage and I have a daughter from a previous relationship but my daughter lives with her mom.


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> Had a look at her phone?


That was my first thought. She's out deleting the text messages from her phone now.

Locking her self in her room over a Facebook friend is waaaaay over the top.

BRW Jay125, the way you are handling this is quickly turning you into a hero on this board. A lot more marriages would be saved if the husband took this type of firm and quick action right off the bat.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Blue Firefly said:


> BRW Jay125, the way you are handling this is quickly turning you into a hero on this board. A lot more marriages would be saved if the husband took this type of firm and quick action right off the bat.


Well, I think he confronted a bit too soon. If i'd gotten here earlier I would have counseled sleuthing. I made the exact same mistake. He does seem to have the right attitude though doesn't he!!


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## Iver (Mar 8, 2013)

Let the OM's wife know ASAP. Time to throw some cold water on all this...

You also need to do a VAR (voice activated recorder) in her car and start checking texts/phone records as well phone apps that can hide texting.

You may have put the kibosh on this before it got out of control but if you've read one thread here you've read a hundred - this never ends well.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

jay125 said:


> She has from a previous marriage and I have a daughter from a previous relationship but my daughter lives with her mom.


Do you know for a fact why her first marriage ended ??


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

There's a way to retrieve deleted Facebook
messages. I suggest you research this.

This is worse than she is letting on.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Hmmm. So she is upset because you don't trust her?

How upset is she, exactly, because she no longer actually d*eserves* your trust? Or hasn't she figured that out for herself yet?

Perhaps you should make that point to her?


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Tony55 said:


> No. You should ask your wife if she has conversations with men on Facebook that she otherwise wouldn't have if you were present. After she lies, (and she will), tell her to get her "friend" on the phone, and on a 3 way call, ask them to please read their messages to each other out loud (this of course, they won't do). After she refuses to reenact their posts out loud, ask her if it would make it easier on her if we get his wife to read his parts; this of course will push her over the top.
> 
> Now ask her what she's hiding.
> 
> ...


Anthony fifty five thats perfect


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## jay125 (May 15, 2013)

Her previous husband is looser I met him. She's upset cause I spy on her, I wanted to wait to gather more evidence but she somehow went into the download file and found the damn program. Btw that program is a free trial and it works great. I'm waiting for the kids to go to bed so we can talk again.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

jay125 said:


> Her previous husband is looser I met him. She's upset cause I spy on her, I wanted to wait to gather more evidence but she somehow went into the download file and found the damn program. Btw that program is a free trial and it works great. I'm waiting for the kids to go to bed so we can talk again.


I asked because history has a way of repeating itself on these forums.


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

jay125 said:


> Her previous husband is looser I met him. *She's upset cause I spy on her*, I wanted to wait to gather more evidence but she somehow went into the download file and found the damn program. Btw that program is a free trial and it works great. I'm waiting for the kids to go to bed so we can talk again.


Yall got one of those hip new age marriages where you just agree to share parts of your lives and to the extent it's convenient?

If not how do you spy on a person who has agreed, vowed before man and god to share everything with you?

What part of her flirting with this man was for the betterment of your marriage?


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## jay125 (May 15, 2013)

Well I spy on her cause I'm not blind by love, him hitting on her and telling her to send him modeling pics is not appropriate in my book.


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

Change your language, your are not spying you are monitoring and verifying. There shouldn't be secrets like these between spouses.


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## jay125 (May 15, 2013)

Your right there shouldn't be in a perfect marriage, my gut feeling told me to check more and it was right. I hate it that I have to check on her but seeing that guy on her page made me do it.


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

Here's my take brother. Given the rate of infidelity and divorce (1/2 of all marriages end in divorce, and over half of marriages are harmed by infidelity), monitoring each others cell phone use and sharing email facebook etc is just prudent. 

30 years ago affairs happened but not at the rate they do today. Today its just too too easy to get into trouble quickly. Given all that not monitoring, and maintaining the appropriate boundaries is an invitation and almost guarantee of eventual trouble.


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## jay125 (May 15, 2013)

*Re: Re: My wife is having an emotional affair and i am ready to blow up!*



carolinadreams said:


> Here's my take brother. Given the rate of infidelity and divorce (1/2 of all marriages end in divorce, and over half of marriages are harmed by infidelity), monitoring each others cell phone use and sharing email facebook etc is just prudent.
> 
> 30 years ago affairs happened but not at the rate they do today. Today its just too too easy to get into trouble quickly. Given all that not monitoring, and maintaining the appropriate boundaries is an invitation and almost guarantee of eventual trouble.


Exactly man, times have changed. With all these social media around is just more dangerous than before. I love my wife but those messages by that guy broke my trust in her. Emotional affairs happen all the time, we need to be aware.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Jay, what are you going to do about him? 

Will you tell his wife what a douche he is?


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

jay125 said:


> ...my gut feeling told me to check more and it was right. I hate it that I have to check on her...


Welcome to your new reality; insecurity, fear, second guessing, confusion, doubt, anger, resentment, jealousy, hopefulness, hopelessness...

This won't change for a long, long time.

The single most important thing you can do right now is display pure confidence; pull that off (consistently) and you win.

T


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## jay125 (May 15, 2013)

Thank you Tony, Anchor I would like to meet that guy and have a word with him but he lives in another town. I will message him to stop or else I will look for him and tell his wife also.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

jay125 said:


> Thank you Tony, Anchor I would like to meet that guy and have a word with him but he lives in another town. I will message him to stop or else I will look for him and tell his wife also.


You need to tell his wife- period. She has a right to know.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

NO! Don't ever communicate w that scum. Do you think he has honor? He'll smugly agree and then go undergroung. Expose to his wife ASAP


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

jay125 said:


> Thank you Tony, Anchor I would like to meet that guy and have a word with him but he lives in another town. I will message him to stop or else I will look for him and tell his wife also.


You need to just tell the wife and provide her with the proof so he doesn't have time to initiate damage control on his end.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

jay125 said:


> I will message him to stop or else I will look for him and tell his wife also.


When you tell his wife, you'll kill two birds with one stone.

1. He'll have to start fighting fires at his end
2. She'll be an extra pairs of eyes on the affair. You can even compare notes.
3. It's the right thing to do by his wife


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

*Re: Re: My wife is having an emotional affair and i am ready to blow up!*



jay125 said:


> Thank you Tony, Anchor I would like to meet that guy and have a word with him but he lives in another town. I will message him to stop or else I will look for him and tell his wife also.


Sorry I don't mean that you speak to him. That won't stop him. He doesn't have respect for you.

Just talk to his wife.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Expose to his wife. Send her a copy of the messages he has been sending to your wife. Don't bother with him until after you have exposed to his wife. Then let him know to back off or you will do whatever you legally can to ruin his life.

Tell your wife the truth about how you found the messages and what made you suspicious and tell her you apologize for nothing, that you'll be damned if you're going to sit back and let some other guy say stuff like that to her and her not tell the guy to get lost. Tell her it is just flat out unacceptable to you for her to allow another man to communicate such things to her.

Tell her HE is not JUST A FRIEND if he wants to fvck her and that by continuing to communicate with him, she is keeping the door open. Insist that she block him on facebook and delete him from her contacts and cease all communications with him.

Tell your wife that you want to share passwords to everything. Tell her you are sick of the secrecy, that privacy is for the bathroom, and everything else, as far as you are concerned, is secrecy, which has no place in a marriage. Ask her why she wants to keep those messages secret from you and what other types of messages is she sending or receiving that must be kept secret from her husband.

If your wife gets angry because you exposed the guy to his wife, tell your wife you are fighting for her and fighting for your marriage and you will do anything and everything legally in your power to defend your marriage from outside predators like this POS.

If she accuses you of being controlling, tell her that you cannot control her, that you only can control yourself and what you find acceptable and not acceptable in a marriage. Not completely shutting down and ending contact with a man who wants to fvck her is unacceptable. Keeping communications secret from her husband is unacceptable.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Jay
When she cools down, come straight out and ask her that if it was you getting these FB messages from a old friend whose female and the messages were "Flirty" and asking for pictures of you, how would she feel about it and it you reply that I know her husband and laugh it off. See if she wouldn't have bells and whistles going off in her head. If she says no and I trust you, believe me, she's full of balloon juice. Her mind would be just like yours is now. It's human nature unless the women is a Vulcan. 
You should also tell her that since time began no man and I repeat no man gets to first base with any women unless she wants him to let alone 2nd base, 3rd and home plate.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

jay125 said:


> I will message him to stop or else I will look for him and tell his wife also.


I would text:

_"The games have begun. Who goes to your wife first, you or me? Shall we flip a coin? You have no choice in the matter; this game will be played out. Good luck."_

T


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Tony55 said:


> I would text:
> 
> _"The games have begun. Who goes to your wife first, you or me? Shall we flip a coin? You have no choice in the matter; this game will be played out. Good luck."_
> 
> T


Honestly I wouldn't even give him fair warning. I would print out the fb chats and go to his wife directly. I only see the other guy covering his tracks if he sniffs the bomb before it explodes.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Tony55 said:


> I would text:
> 
> _"The games have begun. Who goes to your wife first, you or me? Shall we flip a coin? You have no choice in the matter; this game will be played out. Good luck."_
> 
> T


HAHA that makes me think of Jigsaw on the Saw movies!


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

jay125 said:


> Thank you Tony, Anchor I would like to meet that guy and have a word with him but he lives in another town. *I will message him to stop or else I will look for him and tell his wife also*.


Ya, that is a bad move, bro. You don't contact him, and you don't tip your hand like that. You don't owe him any grace period.

You send HIS wife the messages. Period.

After that, you just deal with your own wife and set some boundaries. If she's not into it, tell her to leave. It's not negotiable. 

She should have never let it get to this point, and she should have told you when another man contacted her in the first place.


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

tulsy said:


> Ya, that is a bad move, bro. You don't contact him, and you don't tip your hand like that. You don't owe him any grace period.
> 
> You send HIS wife the messages. Period.
> 
> ...


+1

Just as tipping your wife off about the FB messages allowed her time to leave the house and delete any potentially damaging info from her phone, tipping the OM will only give him time to clean up his paper trail. He'll then tell his wife that you're crazy, because there isn't any physical evidence left.

You want the OM so busy scrambling to save his own marriage, that he doesn't have time to contact your wife. That only happens if your notify the wife first.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

I agree with Tulsy, too man. On Dday night when I called the xOM and blasted the snot outta him, I told him he had a choice. Tell his wife or I would.

I sent her an email and got a reply from "her" saying that she was going to work on the marriage and to please respect "her" privacy.

I did for 6 weeks and then sent another email outta the blue.

SHE got that one and his life began to unwind rather quickly. Point is, don't let on to him that you're gonna contact his wife cuz he's gonna run every screen he can to intercept. The only thing you can do is contact her without letting ANYONE know.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Blue Firefly said:


> +1
> 
> Just as tipping your wife off about the FB messages allowed her time to leave the house and delete any potentially damaging info from her phone, tipping the OM will only give him time to clean up his paper trail. He'll then tell his wife that you're crazy, because there isn't any physical evidence left.
> 
> You want the OM so busy scrambling to save his own marriage, that he doesn't have time to contact your wife. That only happens if your notify the wife first.


Oh, but there IS evidence. He has pics of the messages!


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

F-102 said:


> Oh, but there IS evidence. He has pics of the messages!


But tipping off the husband ahead of time still allows the OM to do damage control with his wife prior to contacting her.

It may sound callous, but the OP's goal should be to cause as much chaos in the OM's life as possible leaving the OM zero time to engage with the OP's wife.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

BjornFree said:


> Honestly I wouldn't even give him fair warning. I would print out the fb chats and go to his wife directly. I only see the other guy covering his tracks if he sniffs the bomb before it explodes.


The other man already knows. Does anyone here really believe the OP's wife hasn't already went over this whole thing with the OM?

Jay, you have the evidence; you have the right and the duty to your marriage to derail this thing. Present your evidence to his wife, and in the meantime, take your pleasure in making the OM squirm. Don't threaten him, and you certainly don't need to go see him physically, but don't put your head in the sand either, let him know you're on to his passes at your wife and there'll be ramifications. Don't tell him what those ramifications are. He caused you psychological trauma, now serve up some of the same medicine to him. Let your wife see how fun and attractive Facebook messages are with a guy who's scared and running for cover.

Of course, if you're done with her and the marriage, then do nothing, just walk away, don't waste your time on him or her.

T


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

We BOTH deleted our FaceBook accounts. It's too easy to find people there, and although sometimes that's a great thing, when infidelity has reared its ugly head in your marriage, that kinda sh!t is off the table. And she needs to change her phone number too. 

Transparency or it's over.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I'd still call the OW and tell her.

I mean, I get the gamesmenship of waiting but just call her and get it over with.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

>and got really upset that i don't trust her and so and so.<

print messages

correct response to none of your business. "I married you. you are my fvcking business." 

Wedding ring = lifetime exclusive heart and vagina lease. It works both ways btw.

Yours is similar to mine. My wife and a half literate hillbilly ex. Email spooning. I was lucky that I caught it earlier than you. 

CRUSH THIS UTTERLY.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Contact OMW do not tip your hand. Let him walk straight in to that hornets nest. Serve it cold.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

I have a very strong feeling that what you saw on FB is just a tip of the iceberg.

Did you check everything in her FB account? archive? deleted messages?

Probably she is not only deleting FB, but other email accounts, photos and what not from her PC. 

I am speaking from a worst experience. The real sexting was on Yahoo conversation. The FB contained only basic flirting messages.

You should check her other email accounts, and deleted files/photos on her computer. There are lot of free undelete tools available on net.

I really don't understand how did you leave the installer in the downloads folder !!! I think you have closed a door permanently. 

Best of luck, and I hope everything turns out to be very minor.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Dear jay125,

You are at an important cross-roads in your marriage and how you handle it in the next few days will have profound consequences.

Your W is testing you. She is trying to determine what kind of man you are -- one who is strong and respects himself and therefore is worthy of her trust and respect, or one who gives up easily, doesn't defend what is his and therefore cannot be counted on in the long run. Most woman prefer the former even though their words and actions sometimes belie this.

There are few valuable lessons that have been learned over and over again on TAM that can guide you:

1) It is important to remain calm, rational and unemotional in all interactions with your W on matters like this. These are the qualities of an alpha male. They are powerful because they instill in the female a sense of the man's courage, strength and trustworthiness -- qualities that females are genetically programmed to look for in a mate. Men who over-react, become emotional or, worse, become violent, give the female not just an excuse but also a reason to look to another man for security and comfort.

2) It is equally important to know what you expect from your W, make this clear to her and let her know the consequences of her failure to comply. If you want her to cease all contact with the OM, you must tell her this and tell her what you will do if she does not comply with your request. One push back you are likely to get is that you are being "controlling." The proper response to this is to say, "I'm not telling you what to do. I'm telling you what I'm going to do if you don't give me what I need from you as my wife." Of course, whatever you list as consequences you must be prepared to follow though with, otherwise, you lose all credibility in your W's eyes.

3) There is an old saying on TAM that you must be prepared to lose your marriage in order to save it. What this means is that, if your spouse is engaging in conduct that you believe is destructive of the marriage, you must be prepared to end the marriage (eventually) if the conduct does not end and you must let your spouse know that you are prepared to end your marriage. How you go about this is a matter for you to decide. You can go dark (the "180") to signify your displeasure and begin to disengage in the hope that this will snap your spouse back into reality; you can threaten to leave or divorce; or you can actually leave or file for divorce. None of these actions needs be final, rather, all are designed to demonstrate to the wayward spouse that he or she has crossed a line that threatens the end of the relationship. Again, such responses are consistent with point 2 because they reinforce the message that continued unacceptable behavior will have serious consequences. (A side note: before actually leaving the marital home, make sure there are no legal consequences -- in some places, this can be construed as "abandonment" and affect child custody rights).

4) It is important that all displays of disapproval and threats of consequences are directed at the inappropriate behavior rather than at the wayward spouse. The spouse must understand that it is his or her behavior that is being rejected, not him or her, and that, if the behavior stops (and other appropriate measures are taken), the relationship can be salvaged. One way to do this, which also reinforces the perception of your strength, is to say that you are asking her to do certain things (e.g., cease all contact with the OM, give you access her to communications means and devices) because you DO value and DO want to have a strong relationship with her. At the same time, you can say that what you DO NOT want and WILL NOT accept is anything less than her full commitment to you and her marriage. Of course, as mentioned before, once you put this to her you must be prepared to follow through.

5) You can expect push back and, the farther your W has strayed from her marriage vows emotionally or physically, the stronger the push back you will receive. The correct way to respond to this is just to repeat you what expect and what the consequences will be if she fails. Do not argue, do not offer reasons and most importantly do not back down. If she continues to resist, end the conversation with a statement to the effect that you will take action in a very short period of time if she does not accept your conditions -- and then take action soon if she fails to respond appropriately.

I know that this is all easier said than done but the truth is that, unless and until you do these things, your marriage is only going to continue to deteriorate.

One last suggestion, read "Married Man Sex Life Primer" by Athol Kay. It describes the kinds of male behavior that attract woman and the kinds that encourage them to stray. The fact that your W has started up a relationship with another man is a clear indication that you are not doing everything you need to do. This isn't a justification for her behavior, it's just a fact -- most woman don't cheat on a man who gives them what they need. If she comes around, shows remorse and does what she needs to do to save your marriage, then you want to become the kind of man that she will never risk losing again.

Good luck.


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## jay125 (May 15, 2013)

Thank you Carmen, your words lift me up. So one thing she brought up is that most of the messages are more than two years old. I was so mad that I didn't even look at the dates. The most recent ones were him saying how you doing but I don't care I still want that guy out of her life and I warned her. She swears that she would never cheat on me cause she's not that type of woman and that she respects me and our marriage. I'm doing the 180 now and hoping for the best but with my eyes open.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You still need to expose to the OM'sW. Don't say one word to your wife about this. If she comes back at you demanding to know why you did this you will know that their communications continue. 

Oh, and why you expose(d) is because he was fishing where he wasn't supposed to be fishing. If your wife complains ask her if she wouldn't want to know if YOU were sending such texts to an old gf. Stay strong. don't waver.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

jay125 said:


> Thank you Carmen, your words lift me up. So one thing she brought up is that most of the messages are more than two years old. I was so mad that I didn't even look at the dates. The most recent ones were him saying how you doing but I don't care I still want that guy out of her life and I warned her. She swears that she would never cheat on me cause she's not that type of woman and that she respects me and our marriage. I'm doing the 180 now and hoping for the best but with my eyes open.


Did you make it clear that you want her to have no further contact with the OM and has she agreed? If yes, then your marriage is in reasonably good shape. If no, then your marriage is in trouble.

The fact that most of the messages are old is of no importance. Her relationship with him makes you uncomfortable, so she should end it. The general principle is that, if there is someone that one spouse does not want the other to associate with, then the other spouse should not associate with that person. It is simply a matter of putting one's spouse first and all others second.

If your W refuses, then you are still at the crossroads I mentioned in my previous note and you will be faced with a difficult choice -- whether to cede authority to your W over who she associates with (and ultimately what she does with them) or to assert your authority to set marital boundaries by making the continuation of your marriage an issue.

Let's hope it doesn't come to that but, if it does, make sure you are mentally prepared for the challenge.


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## FlyingThePhoenix (Apr 11, 2013)

jay125 said:


> Thank you Carmen, your words lift me up. So one thing she brought up is that most of the messages are more than two years old. I was so mad that I didn't even look at the dates. The most recent ones were him saying how you doing but I don't care I still want that guy out of her life and I warned her. She swears that she would never cheat on me cause she's not that type of woman and that she respects me and our marriage. I'm doing the 180 now and hoping for the best but with my eyes open.


Hi Jay,

You’ve found messages dating back two years OUCH! So why inform the him to BACK OFF when he’s asking your wife for saucy photos of her. He’s on a fishing trip to shag your wife (Sorry had to say that!), the fact they’ve been communicating for two years is bad enough! BIG OUCH! What else has been going on? 

Your wife has boundary issues and is disrespecting YOU and your feelings about this, why, because she knows it’s wrong and she’s probably already crossed that line in the last two years. 

You sound like a man on a mission, expose him to his wife ASAP! Don’t tell your wife. She changed her passwords to email / face-book accounts so she’s probably updating him what’s going on, so they’re syncing their stories right now. Blow it up!

Your wife can scream her voice box off until it hurts her about you not trusting her. That works BOTH ways. 

Your response to her should be:

Increase your voice (But no shouting), sound cold but firm.

*Q.* *<Honey> TRUST works both ways, until one of us breaks it! I haven’t, but you have, and you know it!*

Don’t give her time to respond, just walk away slowly. But, if/when she does respond, *interrupt her response* and tell her:

*Q.* *<Honey> HOW would you like it, if I had inappropriate messages/conversations like you’re having for the last two years, with another woman?* 

If she starts to answer you, *interrupt her again *and *lower voice slightly* and tell her: 

*Q.* *<Honey> Would you call me a cheater?*

This time, *REALLY* walk away! Don’t answer any of her questions.

Glad you’re doing the 180.

Good luck!

FTP


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## jay125 (May 15, 2013)

I'm sorry I forgot to post this before most of the messages date back two years before us but still I don't want her talking to him. She says she don't and that she won't that she just upset I hacked her account instead of asking her first. They said the first few years of a marriage are the hardest and I see is true. This will be a major test for us, you guys have been great.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

>She says she don't and that she won't that she just upset I hacked her account instead of asking her first.<

Response to anything like "Its none of your business"

"You married me. You ARE my business"


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

jay125 said:


> I'm sorry I forgot to post this before most of the messages date back two years before us but still I don't want her talking to him. She says she don't and that she won't that she just upset I hacked her account instead of asking her first. They said the first few years of a marriage are the hardest and I see is true. This will be a major test for us, you guys have been great.


 In your first post on this thread you say that "She left her facebook open one day and i saw a bunch of private messages most of them him hitting on her and she just laughing about it and telling him to behave that he is married and her too", so those inappropriate messages did not happen before you were married. Once the other man (OM) crossed the line enough that your wife had to tell him that he needed to behave because they both were married, she owed it to you as her spouse to tell you about it, rather than keep it a secret so that she could keep the OM as a supposed "just a friend". Her secrecy was wrong and gave you the right to snoop, as you have a right to protect your marriage. Do not back down on asserting this right. 

Tell her that both of you should agree to full transparency going forward which includes sharing passwords. Tell her that other than in the bathroom, there is no privacy in marraige.


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## jay125 (May 15, 2013)

There's definitely shouldn't be no privacy in a marriage if there is there's problems. We should be able to share everything, I'm not backing down at all, this is like the first major fight we had in our marriage and is an important one. She has to respect my boundaries just as I respect hers.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

You've passed this first test. She knows exactly what is expected of her and what you will not tolerate. 

Go full transparency in your marriage. That way, any slight move by her in the other direction will be noticeable to you. 

Good luck. Doesn't sound like you'll need it.


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## jay125 (May 15, 2013)

Thank you jfv, she sure knows. I deleted my fb account cause I don't need no more drama. She canceled hers last year and is thinking of canceling it again. Keeping a marriage successful these days is a lot of work but it can be done when we are on the same page.


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## FlyingThePhoenix (Apr 11, 2013)

Hi Jay,

Print this out, sit her down, and read it to her. 
Make sure you have your phone(s) and computer open for her to use, close by.

*-------------------------------------------------------------
<Wife’s name>, you say I do not trust you, but I have seen and read your messages between you and this OM and strongly feel you have broken my trust in you. I feel betrayed that you are having intimate conversations with this OM, when you should be having them with me ONLY! 

I am:

1) Your Best friend. 
2) Your Lover.
3) Your Husband. 

In other words ME! I love you and I am prepared to fight for you and our marriage. I believe there should be NO secrets between us. To show how much you mean to me and our marriage, and the vows we took together. I’m giving you free access to my phone(s), email account(s) and social media site(s) for you confirm I am NOT cheating on you. Here’s my phone(s) and he’s the computer.

------------------------------------------------------------*

At this point say nothing, let her check your phone(s) and computer. If she refuses to check them, you know she’s hiding something, because she knows you’re going to ask her for access to her phone(s) and email accounts and social media sites. Which she has no intention of doing because she’s hiding messages/conversation/photos or whatever it is? She’s knows it’s enough to end her marriage because you’ve caught her.

Now ask her:

*Will you give me access to yours?*

Her response will be a NO! (She's broken your TRUST).
She refuses to check your Phone(s) and computer (She's broken your TRUST).

Your marriage is in trouble.


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## FlyingThePhoenix (Apr 11, 2013)

jay125 said:


> Thank you jfv, she sure knows. I deleted my fb account cause I don't need no more drama. She canceled hers last year and is thinking of canceling it again. Keeping a marriage successful these days is a lot of work but it can be done when we are on the same page.


Hi Jay, 

That was fast! What do you mean she's thinking about it?
If she cancelled it the last time, why open it again for more drama to appear later on when your suspicions are raised again?

I'm in the same boat as her right now, I cancelled my FB account last year because so many people were bullying me to friend them. So what did I do, I opened it up again and guess what I’m getting FB messages now from people to friend them again. It’s worse now than it was last year.


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## jay125 (May 15, 2013)

*Re: Re: My wife is having an emotional affair and i am ready to blow up!*



FlyingThePhoenix said:


> Hi Jay,
> 
> That was fast! What do you mean she's thinking about it?
> If she cancelled it the last time, why open it again for more drama to appear later on when your suspicions are raised again?
> ...


Man all these social media crap don't help a marriage at all, she has lots of female friends and lots of them push her to open it again. I could care less about people from my past or high school reunions, the people I keep in touch have my number or email that's it.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

jay125 said:


> Man all these social media crap don't help a marriage at all, she has lots of female friends and lots of them push her to open it again. I could care less about people from my past or high school reunions, the people I keep in touch have my number or email that's it.


Facebook is convenient to keep in touch with people we would like to but do not have the time to spend emailing and calling individually. It's good if you have a very large family. CONVENIENT. Not a necessity. Not having Facebook is ok. Or having it when you are comfortable with it again.

However, if she is going to maintain a Facebook account, you should have the password. It should state how she is married to the love of her life or some such, and have a picture of you with her.

Other man should be blocked.

As far as friends, consider telling her that there should be no guy friends that you don't know (and trust) personally in real life. Definitely no old boyfriends or acquaintances from the past. As far as female friends, you should know them (i.e., that they really are female and friends). You can check regularly to see how many friends she has, who the new ones are, and if you are OK with them.


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## FlyingThePhoenix (Apr 11, 2013)

jay125 said:


> Man all these social media crap don't help a marriage at all, she has lots of female friends and lots of them push her to open it again. I could care less about people from my past or high school reunions, the people I keep in touch have my number or email that's it.


Okay you mentioned that you closed your FB account last year because of ALL the drama and your wife also closed her FB account last year as well, but reopened it again as she was pressured by her girl/men friends to do so. 

*Here’s my solution:* 

Open a new *JOINT FB account *and make sure there’s a photo of the both of you on the main page stating you are *BOTH happily married*. State it writing as well and only accept friends request you both filter as acceptable. State in writing *NONE OF YOU* is looking for affairs / F buddies or anything like that. Make it clear to all that your *FB is for friendship and family ONLY!* 

Both of you have access to all parts of FB as it's joint account and you monitor whenever you want.

FTP


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

FlyingThePhoenix said:


> Okay you mentioned that you closed your FB account last year because of ALL the drama and your wife also closed her FB account last year as well, but reopened it again as she was pressured by her girl/men friends to do so.
> 
> *Here’s my solution:*
> 
> ...


Do this!:iagree::iagree:


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