# A question about separation.



## Kirby6 (Jul 18, 2011)

So I had a thread in "Considering Separation and Divorce" about how I was seriously considering separating from my husband for reasons of fixing our marriage. Well, two days ago, and with a lot of thought and mixed emotions I told him I wanted to try a trial separation. He listened to me, and agreed that if I thought it could fix our marriage that he would give me the space I needed. That was by far the worst/hardest thing I have ever done...although I am committed to trying to fix this marriage. 

Anyways, I told him we should talk again in a weeks time about a plan to go about fixing our marriage, which he agreed to...my question is is that enough time to let the dust settle before we talk again?


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Well, it might be enough time to get some thoughts sorted out in your head, but no, I don't think a week apart is long enough to separate if you truly want to save your marriage.
Sincere changes in behaviors do not happen over night.

Think of it this way, your marriage didn't fall apart in one week so you can't expect it to repair either.
I agree with maybe not speaking for a week or so (unless you have kids, but keep your conversations to issues regarding them only) it will give you some time to processing what your feeling.

Is either marriage or individual counseling an option for you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kirby6 (Jul 18, 2011)

Oh I'm sorry I should have been more specific! I meant is a week a good enough amount of time to not talk to each other before we talk to each other again to start working on it...not get back together.

That is my bad, sorry


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## upset/confused (Jul 26, 2011)

I think a week is a good start. We have been separated 3 weeks and only talk about the kids. My H is in the I dont know stage, so Im doing the 180.

Maybe make arangements to get together once a week and sit down and talk. I agree with the above post about counseling. Both are needed.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Hoping that absence will make the heart grow fonder by playing make believe divorce? Maybe but consider that separation brings risks. The risk of emotionally detaching enough so that reconciliation becomes unlikely and the risk that one or both of you will become involved with another - if that hasn't happened already.

Ask yourself if the trial separation you seek isn't really a prelude to divorce.


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## Kirby6 (Jul 18, 2011)

morituri said:


> Hoping that absence will make the heart grow fonder by playing make believe divorce? Maybe but consider that separation brings risks. The risk of emotionally detaching enough so that reconciliation becomes unlikely and the risk that one or both of you will become involved with another - if that hasn't happened already.
> 
> Ask yourself if the trial separation you seek isn't really a prelude to divorce.


Of course I've thought of this, that was one of my biggest fears about doing this. However, with him always being around it created more and more tension with us. As well, he felt that ignoring our problems was the way of dealing with them. It seemed to me that maybe if I pulled the carpet from under him (I know that sounds bad) that he would wake up and see that our marriage was in trouble...and I'm glad for that, because now he's willing to work on our problems. Divorce is honestly the last thing I want or need, and I realize the risks of doing this, but I had to do this for me and for us. I can't deal with being around people, so dating or seeing someone is not something i want...and if he wants to see someone, than thats his choice, but he knows what he will lose and so do I.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Kirby6 said:


> I can't deal with being around people, so dating or seeing someone is not something i want...and if he wants to see someone, than thats his choice, but he knows what he will lose and so do I.


I am not saying that your statement above is wrong, I do understand that it is your marriage that is at stake - so they are high stakes and I agree with what you say. But - I was wondering if you are aware that a man being alone without companionship is a little different than a woman being alone without companion for a certain length of time. I guess what I am trying to say is, don't let too much time alone pass - it will be more difficult for him to do without the need for OW then it will be for you without OM.

You can read about the psyche of males and females just about anywhere in regards to what I am talking about. While for you it is more about connection, relationship, and intimacy, for him it will be about the need for care, attention, and to have his needs met from OW. Don't let it go too long, it will become increasingly difficult for him not to stray. Just my .02 cents worth.


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## PERDAO (Jul 31, 2011)

Here is my 2 cents. My wife dropped the bomb on me almost 1month ago and it rocked my world. I was a bad husband,(emotionally detached, narcissist, didn't put her first etc.) and when this came crashing down I stepped up and started going to therapy by myself. Through therapy I have stepped outside the box and can finally see what's inside but I think for me it's to late. We were married going on 9 yrs and it's alot of pain for her. But I have never seen things more clearly until now so if he is willing to look from outside the box this could be the best thing for your marriage? I know we are heading for divorce but if I had another chance I would for once let her in wholeheartedly!! But now just hurt and guilt. Good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kirby6 (Jul 18, 2011)

Thanks for all the messages, I like that people give me answers from both sides of things.

@brighterlight I wasn't aware, and I'm glad you told me this. I can totally understand this, but I don't want to rush getting back together with him either. I don't think it help our marriage if we rush getting back together because I was afraid he will go to someone else for his needs. I like to hope if he wants to fix this marriage like he says he does he will not go to someone else, but thats totally up to him (although I say this, I really don't want him to)

@Pedaro I'm sorry you're feeling pain and guilt. I'm hoping when we both go to therapy (both alone and together) we can finally see inside our boxes, and see our faults. I know I have mine, and he has his...this is just a tough time. Although I'm trying to see the positive in this, I still feel alot of anger, pain and sadness...


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Kirby, yes, do not rush going back, you both need to fix things if you want to stay together. I was just stating that given enough time, your H could get very lonely and seek companionship elsewhere. If he loves you though and if he really wants to keep his marriage, he will refrain from doing anything dumb. I guess this could be a test of how far you are both willing to go to work this out. I wish you the best.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Don't talk about your problems right now unless you are completely done and ready to be done. Focusing on the negatives will just keep the in the light. I'm not saying to NEVER talk about things...but maybe in a week talk about why you really needed this space, and what you want out of it. 

A week is a good time to come back and talk about the situation but keep it light and fun...build back a friendship and go from there.


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