# Unsure About Myself



## Too_Bad (Aug 23, 2014)

I posted my story in another thread. I'll use this to update:

I asked my wife if she wanted a divorce. I was prepared for yes or no. I was hoping for no but was willing to accept yes. She answered I don't know, I need time. This got me angry because it put me in limbo, and I'm not staying in limbo.

She needed time. It is the end of the financial year and the end of March, so double the stress and workload. I understand that, so I decided that I could wait that long. She begged for us to be able to talk April 1st, that she was too tired and didn't want to hurt me anymore than she has by being too tired to answer questions or think straight.

*April 1st*

When she got home I told her to eat dinner. I wasn't about to get into anything while she was hungry. I went into the kitchen after and started. I told her that I was angry that she answered "I don't know." I was angry that she said "I can't have sex." and I explained to her why this upset me so much.

The reason she says that she said "I don't know." was because she knows she's hurt me and doesn't want to continue hurting me. She knows that I've been unhappy and doesn't want to see me unhappy. What I still haven't figured out is 'If you know WHAT is making me unhappy, why not make an effort to fix it.' There was plenty of time. This question turned to arguing, something I said I refused to do. 

When it came to sex, she says she's lost her libido. She doesn't know why. She says it's mental and physical. The mental part comes from our paying back loans that we have from IVF. Yes, keeping up with bills is tough. However, I tried to explain as nicely as possible that bills and money weren't all we had in our life, that there was much more. However, she only sees the burden of paying back loans. I'm not blind to this, I feel the pain in working hard and having to fork over a big chunk to pay for treatments that, in the end, didn't work. However, I can certainly find the time to connect if she were willing.

*What Next?*

I don't think she ever wanted a divorce. What she said in her messages and what she's saying and doing now are completely different. I still don't know what to do. Things ended the same they always have, neither of us satisfied with each others answers.

I said "This is going to end the way it has every other time. I walk away, you go on your phone, we go to bed. You go to work early tomorrow, I come home late. The end."

She took issue with me saying "You've lost your desire to be with me. Physically and emotionally." From what I understood, that was what she was saying. However, she didn't like that I said that, her reply was "You're putting words in my mouth. You're placing me in a position I never said I was in." So, she desires me, but she doesn't, but she does???

*Am I bad?*

So, if I leave because my wife won't have sex with me because she is stressed about money, does that make me an a-hole? She says that physically, she can have sex if I wanted. However, and she knows me, if she's not 'in the moment' with me, and doing it as a 'chore' then I'm not going to be doing it.

I told her a year ago this was a problem. She never bothered to figure things out. Now that divorce was brought up, and she saw I had the balls to get the papers, she's taking a step back and trying to 'sorry'. Before she went to bed she gave me a half hug and said "I'm so sorry" apologizing for her actions. Exactly which ones, I don't know.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring. The bills we have are both our responsibilities and I'm definitely carrying my own weight. Why is it that I want more and she can't think about more.

I have one group of friends here that say "Get out, get someone new. Be happy." and another group that say "Don't divorce. There's a reason you stuck it out this far. If you get a divorce you'll regret it later."

If she had simply said "Yes, I want a divorce." I could move on, however painful that might be. If she said "Let's heal." I would be happy and open to therapy etc. We're still in the "I don't know." I feel like if she makes any big changes towards me they will be 'pushed' if that makes sense. Like 'If I don't do this, he'll stay upset.' At the same time, should I be thinking 'baby steps'?


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## Sandie (Mar 31, 2015)

As I see it you have two choices.

1 is to wait for her to decide
2 is to make up your own mind

If you can't make up your own mind is it really fair to keep badgering her to make up hers?


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## Too_Bad (Aug 23, 2014)

I guess I'm asking for more of an objective opinion on whether or not I seem like an a--hole for wanting intimacy in our relationship when she's not interested due to (Her words) financial stress, work and lack of libido due to her age/hormones?

She admitted that she was selfish in thinking that things could go on without worrying about sex and that this hurt me over the last year. If she can make the effort to reconnect on intimacy then I could wait. If she has no plans, then I can't. Or I have to figure out a way to live without it.

I almost feel like that guy who leaves his loving wife because she is now wheelchair bound and can't have sex (I don't know if that's true, I'm just guessing).


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

Have you gone to counseling together? Is she willing?


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## Gonna Make It (Dec 3, 2012)

We all see things through the lenses of our own relationships, failed or successful. For me, I see "I don't know" means "I don't want to go yet because I do not have an exit strategy". You have told her what you need. She has stated she will not meet that need. So you have to ask yourself: is this a deal breaker? Don't know if that helps, but it is my thoughts.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

I read your other thread and the ball is now in your court Too_Bad. Talking about the same problems every three months and never fixing anything isn't working so it's time to take the next step. Option 1 is you decide that you have no control of things and wait and see what happens. Option 2 is to decide you've given enough time and that you need to pull the plug on this relationship. I know what I think you should do and that is to pull the plug. I believe your wife wants to do this but she's too afraid. It sounds like you wish things would just get better so that tells me that you still love your wife. If you love her then you want her to be happy in the long run and honestly it's way past time for her to choose if she wants to be with you or not. Make her make that choice now and hope for the best for you and the best for her no matter what that means regarding the relationship.

I know if I felt that my wife and I were years into unhappiness then I would let her go if that's what it took for us to become happy again.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Have I missed something. What is the root cause of her losing interest sexually?


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## Too_Bad (Aug 23, 2014)

poida said:


> Have I missed something. What is the root cause of her losing interest sexually?


Partly because we failed to have children, as hard as we tried. She says she doesn't feel like a woman anymore. However, her loss of interest in me sexual, I think, was before we tried having kids. 

She says she's not interested in any male contact. She doesn't want to live with anyone other than me, that if things ended, she would choose to be alone. Whether or not that's true, I can't say for sure.


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