# "i love you but im not in love with you"



## 1234 (Dec 14, 2012)

Hi im looking for some advice.

I have been with my wife 17 years married for 12, we have 3 great kids 12 year old girl and twin boys that are 9.

My wife had been feeling for a few year that she loves me but isnt in love with me. We get along really well as she would agree. This came up last year the words I love you but im not in love with you, and it devistated me. We unfortunatly at that time didnt really do anything about it. Other than the sex not being very intimate we get a long so good that is why it is so hard to understand. My wife thought it would be a good idea to take the kids on a trip to Mexico a month after she said these words. We went on the trip and my wife thought it would be a good idea for me to get a wedding ring. These words just came up again acouple weeks ago along with, 
-it feels like we are just best friends
-it feels like we are just roommates
-i feel empty inside
-i dont feel a connection
-i need some space

She is always saying to this day im a "great husband and a great father and her best friend".. i feel lost she spent 1 week at her sisters, im at my sisters now to give her a bit of space. when i go home we will be staying in seperate beds. I feel she has given up and hasnt put 100% effort to this point to save this marriage and our family. She doesnt believe that you can get that connection/ in love feeling back.

any thoughts?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Lots of possibilities

Many will warn you that she may have met someone else or is thinking about someone else.

Has she changed behaviors or appearances since this started? Is her cell phone pass word protected? Does she send/receive a lot of texts?

She may also smply have fallen out of love. Do you have an issue snooping to find out what may really be going on?


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## 1234 (Dec 14, 2012)

I dont believe there is somebody else but im not naive to think it would never happen to me. My best friend is her best friends husband. There are no signs of late nights or odd behavior. She has recently lost some weight. As for looking into the cell phone and that if she were to find out the trust would never be there again. we have agreed to talk after xmas for the kids sake.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Trust? Not sure if that plays intop here.

Do a little reading in the infidelity section and you'll see she is exhibiting a couple of red flags here. They are:

-The I Love You But Not In Love With You (ILYBNILWY) speech
-decrease in sex
-Needs Space

Again, she may justy be dne for whatever reason but you should probably know what your dealing with

Do this quietly. Don't ask her if there's someone else. If there is, she'll deny anyway.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your wife hasn't mentioned divorce so maybe you guys can get some help froma counselor?

As long as there are no cheating red flags it will help, but if someone is influencing the dynamics of the marriage all the counseling in the world won't help until that influence is no longer infecting the marriage.

Thas why its kind of important you investigate the possiblity of this out side influence, cuz the help/tactic you take will depend on it.

You can't compete with new romance, so even if you are the best husband in the world you can't compete with a new guy in your chicks life.

But if there is no other guy or even a toxic friend that is not a friend of the marriage then you can take the effective approach in repairing this.

Either way its time to step up your attraction level, chicks dig confident men so never beg or cry for your marriage.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

1234 said:


> -it feels like we are just best friends
> -it feels like we are just roommates
> -i feel empty inside
> -i dont feel a connection
> -i need some space


These are all red flags as Toffer has indicated and there may be a 3rd party involved. Physically or emotionally and either can be devastating to a marriage. If you have not had the conversation with her if there is someone else in her head you should. You won't likely get a full or honest answer but the questions need to be asked. I understand your concern about trust and snooping is something that can have serious consequences if you are wrong but you need to think about it.

The signs are certainly there that there could be somebody else or that she has simply disconnected from you. Her statement that you can't fall back in love is false from the journey both my wife and I took some years ago. I heard the same statements verbatim and we are now in a very good marriage.


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## 1234 (Dec 14, 2012)

Thanks for the advice as for checking into her, we have a lot of the same close friends so if that is the case i will find out anyway.


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## 1234 (Dec 14, 2012)

We went to 2 counceling session, They didnt help alot because they were provide through our work. im looking in into a couples type retreat no sure if she will go for it. I asked her if she wanted to go to our next appt and she said she would go for me based on i dont think she has tried everything, so i just said you cant go foe me it has to be for both of us


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

1234 said:


> Thanks for the advice as for checking into her, we have a lot of the same close friends so if that is the case i will find out anyway.


No! No! No!

Check into this quietly on your own! For the sake of your marriage, do this! Do this now and DO NOT ask her if there's someone else. You'd be tipping your hand way too early!

IF she's cheating and you wait too long to investigate, what may only be an EA now can become physical

Confronting too early will most likely drive it further underground


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Gone for a week? Needs "space"? Ilybinilwy speech? Ya, cheating. Time to go CIA mode.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Toffer said:


> No! No! No!
> 
> Check into this quietly on your own! For the sake of your marriage, do this! Do this now and DO NOT ask her if there's someone else. You'd be tipping your hand way too early!


While I will agree that involving friends is not the correct avenue at this point an honest discussion with your spouse about the possibilities is generally a good idea, no matter what those may be. Whether it be an AP, addictions or what ever. This should not be an interrogation but an honest and frank discussion. I had this with my wife, she denied there was anyone else as she was in denial of what the relationship really was. But during the conversation the hairs on my neck stood up from her responses. I found the evidence a few weeks later and we went from there. 

While we old salts here have seen this scenario play out many times on TAM and 9 out of 10 times there is some kind of affair there is still a chance she has simply disconnected from her husband and marriage. And if she is not in an affair, she will likely be on one in the future if they don't address the issues.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

IMO: 

If she has a problem with you looking at her phone, big issue for me there. People don't hide anything if there's nothing to hide. 

EVERYTHING you do should be on your own! If a friend of yours is a friend of hers, NO TALKY!

Red flags are way up. Prepare for the worst. 

If you guys talk, about ANYTHING and it gets heated, BACK AWAY! Do not get sucked into an escalated argument. 

Like they said, go to the coping with infidelity forum and READ READ READ. 

There will be a lot of Counter Intuitive advice here... do not be scared. Listen and listen well. Everyone's situation and details can and probably will be different, however, there are scripts for everything out there. Sometimes it doesn't always go the way the script, but most of the time, it follows right along with them. 

I'm sorry you're here, you're in for a heck of a ride. We can promise you that. 

Good luck.


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## DrDavidCOlsen (Oct 7, 2012)

While it is easy to assume that when one reports "not feeling in love" there may be another person involved, that is not always the case.
It may be that issues have been pushed underground, and certain conflicts have not been resolved. Too often couples trade safety for intimacy. That is they keep things polite, do not face conflict, or may not be confident enough to be fully themselves with their partner. To many people make conflicts that they can only be fully themselves with their friends but not their partner. These issues erode intimacy and can lead to "not feeling in love". A good marital therapist can be very helpful in sorting out these issues.
David Olsen, PHD, LMFT, author, The Couple's Survival Workbook


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Woman's POV here:

You need to require that AS A COUPLE you attend at least a half-dozen couples' therapy/counseling sessions. You are PARENTS and your children deserve you BOTH giving it your best shot. Present it this way to your wife - it is a duty that you BOTH OWE to the family.

ILYBINILWY does not necessarily mean she's in an affair. She may be bored with your relationship, feel it's unfulfilling. Maybe she's in the 'is THIS all there is?' mode of thinking (this CAN be successfully overcome if BOTH parties are willing to work at improving/reinventing the relationship).

Losing weight may mean she is CONSIDERING leaving, moving on. She may be preparing for a new single life and needs to look better for the dating scene. Doesn't mean there is ALREADY someone IN her life, may just be her initial step in preparing to drastically change her life.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

So, she says she loves you, you're her best friend, and you're a wonderful husband and father, but she doesn't feel a spark right now (or a connection? How do you simultaneously say someone is your best friend but you don't feel a connection to them?) so she thinks you guys are just done forever?

This is totally irrational. There has to be more she's not telling you. I'm sorry this is happening to you, you must feel so confused and sad. 

Good luck.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Couple in marriage sometimes experience not feeling "in love" during difficult times. I'm assuming here that you are not abusive or controlling. Many will keep this feelings to themselves & keep working on the marriage.

What concerns me here, is that she felt the need to "announce" ILYBINILWY. She is getting you prepared for her possible departure as either a walk-away-wife or to leave to be with her AP.


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## InTheWoods (Dec 21, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Woman's POV here:
> 
> ILYBINILWY does not necessarily mean she's in an affair. She may be bored with your relationship, feel it's unfulfilling. Maybe she's in the 'is THIS all there is?' mode of thinking (this CAN be successfully overcome if BOTH parties are willing to work at improving/reinventing the relationship).
> 
> Losing weight may mean she is CONSIDERING leaving, moving on. She may be preparing for a new single life and needs to look better for the dating scene. Doesn't mean there is ALREADY someone IN her life, may just be her initial step in preparing to drastically change her life.


Another woman's POV...I feel like I could be in exactly the same position your wife is in. I feel like saying ALL of the same things to my husband. I'm in no other relationships, I have no "bad news" friends, heck, I *hardly* have a social life. I feel just like the quote above...is this all there is??? I have no other good advice, I guess. I just also wanted to chime in that just because some "red flags" are there, maybe they aren't cheating flags; maybe they are just flags that your marriage needs a lot of work. I only say this because I'm speaking from the perspective she may very well have.


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## AlmostYoung (May 24, 2012)

As for your wife being involved in an affair, trust your gut. Especially if you two are close, and you're paying attention, you will know.

My wife raised many of the "red flags" back in March, so of course 9 out of 10 TAMsters claimed she was in an affair when I posted here in May. Somehow, they could tell from their keyboards better than I could in my daily interactions with my partner of over 30 years. 

We're still together today, no separation or D proceedings and there's still no affair.

My wife and yours are vulnerable though. Forcing them to recommit or go to MC won't work, (by the way, traditional MC has a dismal success rate) and at least in our case an ultimatum won't work either. They have to desire to recommit on their own... not stay because we cornered them and left 'em no other option. How long do you suppose that tactic would work?

You can guide her to true recommitment by how you act. Be the man she wants and lead the way. 

She sounds board. Make an exciting life for yourself and see if she wants to join in. Unless you really were/are a dolt of a H, eventually she will.

PS: No matter the issue here, if you want to save this you're in for a marathon, not a sprint. Put away the stop watch and get a calendar.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

1234, Just saw this thread today - looks like you haven't been back - I hope things are getting resolved in this matter... if not, I'd suggest that you seriously investigate these red flags, once you add them all up, for most of us our gut insticts told us what was going on.

I suspect a year ago, when she actually uttered the words "ILYBINILWY" is when she made a conscious choice to run with another guy. (by run I mean open her legs to).

Around that time she was probably also going through a lot of other changes - new clothes (and underwear), new password on her email account, guarding her cell phone close, probably a lot of anxiety and stress, maybe making new friends that you did not know very well, new diet, and basically a noticeable drive to improve herself.

If so, then time for the voice activated recorder (VAR) hidden in her car, look at her cell and internet history, find out the content of her text messages if possible - if it's infidelity it will be a severe shock to your system, come back to TAM, and do whatever you need to get some sense of direction. Good luck, I hope it's something else, and repairable, that forced her to utter the ILYBINILWY.


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## 1234 (Dec 14, 2012)

I thank everyone for there advice.. After i spent a weeks at my sisters to give her some "space". I just felt that it was over, we had agreed to talk after xmas for the kids. But i just felt like i needed to know what is happening and sadly she wants to separate. I am devistated with so much anger we have been at home staying in separate beds. My boys have asked if we are breaking up, and my daughter 12 was crying at school to her friend that her mom and dad are getting a divorce. The part that really makes me angry is she did this 4weeks before xmas. There is never a "good" time. I just wish she thougth about how it would affect the kids, my daughter says it just doesnt feel like xmas. "In The Woods" any help to understand from a womens side might help..


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

1234 said:


> I thank everyone for there advice.. After i spent a weeks at my sisters to give her some "space". I just felt that it was over, we had agreed to talk after xmas for the kids. But i just felt like i needed to know what is happening and sadly she wants to separate. I am devistated with so much anger we have been at home staying in separate beds. My boys have asked if we are breaking up, and my daughter 12 was crying at school to her friend that her mom and dad are getting a divorce. The part that really makes me angry is she did this 4weeks before xmas. There is never a "good" time. I just wish she thougth about how it would affect the kids, my daughter says it just doesnt feel like xmas. "In The Woods" any help to understand from a womens side might help..


I can't give you the womans perspective of what's going on, but I can give you a betrayed husbands perspective (which I unfortunately had to discover with my own eyes instead of having perspective of guys on the CWI section of TAM)

Decide if you want to accept being her backup plan or if you are in the "one time and it's over" camp. If you want to make it work still, after knowing she had been cheating, if you think she is capable of true remorse and that both of you have the dedication for the 2-5 years it will take to reconcile, then find out who the OM is, get all the details you can, and expose the affair to everyone who has any bearing on her or your marriage.

And until/unless she shows true remorse it's time for the 180, no begging, pleading or apologizing, just focus on yourself, doing the things you want and need to do, get lots of exercise and sleep, be the best father to your kids and make the holidays the best they can be under the circumstances she is causing.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

The main reason a person says what your wife said is becuase she has the "in love" feelings toward someone else, which is why she is so sure that she is not in love with you. The main reason a wife would blow up a family would be someone else she wants to replace you. Rarely would a wife say this and want to separate and cause all that destruction without another man in the picture.

But at any rate, the plan for you is the same. Wife, you want out, then get out... No problem.

If she wants a separation and divorce, let her execute it. Don't lay down and walk out like a doormat...


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

1234, have you identified her affair partner? Have you exposed her to family?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Should be easy, just find out where she actually was for the past week apart (ie did you even verify from her sister that she actually was with her?).

I will say, in my case, even my ex's best friend had no clue she was in an affair - and she had told one group of her friends, including this best one, that she was with her other group of friends camping, and told the other absolutely nothing, she had compartmentalized so well that when I messaged the friends she was supposedly camping with to tell them I was disappointed they were covering for her, and that even though the marriage was over I was actually worried for her safety because she lied to everyone and nobody knew where she was except her AP and his friends. My ex actually had the gall to get angry at me and tell me her friends were disappointed that I was getting THEM in the middle of things?!

A person in an affair is in fantasyland and has zero responsibility to the real world. Like another commenter on here suggested: _prepare for the worst_.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

1234, I am so sorry. I always thought that having a partner that you loved even when the "in love" feelings waned was what it was truly about. I don't understand how people can reach a mature love like this and walk away. I'm so sorry.


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## 1234 (Dec 14, 2012)

I will never understand why the "space" like her spending 10 days at her sisters then me going to my sisters for a week so she could have more space, then when we get home were sleeping in different bed. Needed to be done 4weeks before Xmas. She never thought about how it would affect the kids.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It sound like someone is clouding her judgement? There has to be a very big influence there. I mean her indifference towards you could have been acknowledge after the holidays, but no, she had to force the issue right now and there has to be a reason.

Maybe she can sleep better at night knowing that what ever she is doing is better then making you think there is still some love for you? Maybe there is another influence that makes her believe that she is doing the right thing by breaking up this family?

It seems she is making these unhealthy choices so as not to betray her self or betray someone else other then her own husband.

It just seems so odd to push this behavior when it could have waited until after the holiday. If it was me I would turn over every stone and look under every rock to see what the real influence is behind all this. Even if it was toxic friends or another man , you can at least have some answers as you move on.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

1234 said:


> I will never understand why the "space" like her spending 10 days at her sisters then me going to my sisters for a week so she could have more space, then when we get home were sleeping in different bed. Needed to be done 4weeks before Xmas. She never thought about how it would affect the kids.


all these people are giving you good advice, You can grovel and act bewildered or you can see it for what it is. a crissis in your life. are you going to let it ruin you or are you going to take the bull by the horns and get your life back on track, with or with out your wife? 

with that said start enjoying your holidays as best you can when your kids ask whats up be honest say I'm not sure mom and I are having some problems and although its difficult right now I want you guys to know I love you and will not leave or abandon you in any way. If your mother don't want to be married any more then she can leave. 

start snooping and find the evidence you know is out there. ask your kids to help ask them what she did when you were seperated.

start protecting yourself aginst her money wise. Go see a lawyer know what your rights are. 

Don't show her your sad or any desire for her.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

1234 said:


> I will never understand why the "space" like her spending 10 days at her sisters then me going to my sisters for a week so she could have more space, then when we get home were sleeping in different bed. Needed to be done 4weeks before Xmas. She never thought about how it would affect the kids.


1234,

From your postings can we assume you never did any snooping?


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## InTheWoods (Dec 21, 2012)

1234 said:


> "In The Woods" any help to understand from a womens side might help..


The only thing I can say is that there is room for improvement for the both of you, because it's never just one person's problem. I wish I knew what to tell you other than maybe it's time for some soul-searching. Humility can go a long way, and if you approach her with your feelings exposed, maybe her heart will be softened towards you, and there can be some resolution for now. Maybe she will open up to you about what is going on in her heart and mind. I'm in maintenance mode in my relationship, and we have a "big talk" about once a year, and while nothing seems to change, it's more of a check-in to keep us grounded. It doesn't change the way things seem to be evolving, but I don't know, it's helpful at the least.

I will say that I would be outraged if I found out my husband was spying on me. If you want openness and honesty in her actions, you should be open and honest in yours. If you want to check her phone or computer, ask first. You can get a lot of information by being forthcoming. Snooping feels like an affront, and accusation, and like a symbolic kick in the gut. How in the world do you explain neuroses when you find out nothing is going on (if there is nothing going on)? That's just my take on that aspect of things.

I'm sending both of you a big hug, because I know it's a crappy way to feel and live, especially at Christmas. Just be loving for now. I am a firm believer in that you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar--regardless of how things come down in the end.


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## 1234 (Dec 14, 2012)

InTheWoods said:


> The only thing I can say is that there is room for improvement for the both of you, because it's never just one person's problem. I wish I knew what to tell you other than maybe it's time for some soul-searching. Humility can go a long way, and if you approach her with your feelings exposed, maybe her heart will be softened towards you, and there can be some resolution for now. Maybe she will open up to you about what is going on in her heart and mind. I'm in maintenance mode in my relationship, and we have a "big talk" about once a year, and while nothing seems to change, it's more of a check-in to keep us grounded. It doesn't change the way things seem to be evolving, but I don't know, it's helpful at the least.
> 
> I will say that I would be outraged if I found out my husband was spying on me. If you want openness and honesty in her actions, you should be open and honest in yours. If you want to check her phone or computer, ask first. You can get a lot of information by being forthcoming. Snooping feels like an affront, and accusation, and like a symbolic kick in the gut. How in the world do you explain neuroses when you find out nothing is going on (if there is nothing going on)? That's just my take on that aspect of things.
> 
> I'm sending both of you a big hug, because I know it's a crappy way to feel and live, especially at Christmas. Just be loving for now. I am a firm believer in that you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar--regardless of how things come down in the end.


Its just so hard to understand when she says I love you, you are a great husband a great father and my best friend. But I'm not "in love with you". I just don't understand why that can't be found again, if all the other things are allegedly so good. Do couples always feel "in love?" Especially when your together for 17 years. We have both opened our hearts up to each other,Maybe I will never understand it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

1234 said:


> Its just so hard to understand when she says I love you, you are a great husband a great father and my best friend. But I'm not "in love with you". I just don't understand why that can't be found again, if all the other things are allegedly so good. Do couples always feel "in love?" Especially when your together for 17 years. We have both opened our hearts up to each other,Maybe I will never understand it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


When she's having a sexfest with her new boyfriend the 17 years together is nothing to her.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

1234 said:


> I just don't understand why that can't be found again, if all the other things are allegedly so good.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Of course it can be found, only maybe not by her. It will take an act of will on her part which may or may not be forthcoming.

From personal experience, I am a top proponent of spying. The title statement "I love you but I'm not in love with you" is an illogical statement that represents betrayal at best and aggressive malice at worst. Either way, the bond of fidelity is broken. This does not happen organically, it invariably involves another person or persons even if not a direct physical or emotional relationship with a member of the opposite sex. Until you find the cause and take some kind of action to oppose it, fidelity will not be restored


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

1234 said:


> Its just so hard to understand when she says I love you, you are a great husband a great father and my best friend. But I'm not "in love with you".
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This means "I'm happy to take as long as you are the one doing the giving but don't expect any giving in return from me".


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

1234 said:


> I will never understand why the "space" like her spending 10 days at her sisters then me going to my sisters for a week so she could have more space, then when we get home were sleeping in different bed. Needed to be done 4weeks before Xmas. She never thought about how it would affect the kids.


The space was to allow her to copulate with her boyfriend without having to work so hard to hide it from you. Are you in denial that your wife is conducting a sexual affair right under your nose? She's telling you all about it: ILYBINILWY means she still has some warm thoughts toward you, but absolutely no interest in sex with you. You need to face the fact that you have been replaced sexually.


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## Sigma Uber Alles (Oct 15, 2012)

keko said:


> When she's having a sexfest with her new boyfriend the 17 years together is nothing to her.


Nothing like cutting to the chase, Eh, Kiko ?

:iagree:


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## 1234 (Dec 14, 2012)

I have asked her many times and she insists there is nobody else. What makes me very angry now is that she was looking at 2 bedroom basement suites to rent for her and our 3 kids.(50% of the time) I looked at a few with her only because my kids will be living there, now she has determined that she cant leave the house because she cant afford to live any where with out a 2nd job. Which could take months to get.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

There are some nasty dynamics going on here 1234 and you're not making yourself attractive at all. First off she's holding all of the cards. If she does have someone else ( which is almost certain ) then you are her plan B. But the main problem I see is that she feels complete entitlement to think of herself only and for you to unconditionally accept it. I guess because she is her.

Fighting to keep her while she's being so selfish and self centered is making her lose respect for you in boat loads and will likely be something you regret later.

If she's wanting all of this space and time then give it to her but don't let it be her choice. Go ahead and get a lawyer and file for divorce. Don't let her treat you in ANY WAY THAT YOU WOULD NOT TREAT HER. That's the only way she will have an ahh ha moment and realize that you are the kind of guy she's lucky to have. As it stands, she's deciding whether to give things a shot and thinks you will be so lucky if she decides life with you is good enough for her. If she settles for you so to speak.

Remove all doubt that you are happy to be settled for.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

1234 said:


> I have asked her many times and she insists there is nobody else.


:scratchhead:

Did you honestly think she was going to say to your face that she's been f**king joe for the last x months? NO!

We're wasting our time trying to help you out when you don't even take a few minutes to find the evidence for yourself.


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## lpad (Nov 8, 2011)

1234 said:


> Its just so hard to understand when she says I love you, you are a great husband a great father and my best friend. But I'm not "in love with you". I just don't understand why that can't be found again, if all the other things are allegedly so good. Do couples always feel "in love?" Especially when your together for 17 years. We have both opened our hearts up to each other,Maybe I will never understand it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Quit trying to understand because it will only make you crazy, unstable and appear emotionally weak. I have been living a similar situation with my wife. The big differences are she has depression, prior abuse, low self esteem and the few times I treated her poorly in our yearly years have become my cross to bare. It has been going on for 4 years and my continued effort trying to understand her feelings and explain to her how she has not done enough to fix her issues have made it worse. I feel confidant there was not and EA or PA because I snooped early on and never found anything accept more confusion and remorse. My W has never spoke about space or separation. You are in a tough spot. Please hear my advice and save yourself some time and emotional hardship. accept her feelings for what they are, Become a better you and prepare yourself she may never love you again. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME! Let her choose to try to love you again or move on herself. Just please be prepared to keep your head about you and prepare yourself for life without her right in front of her. It is all that I can say has shown a hint of R. I quit setting deadlines and ultimatums because they are pointless and may force her hand to make a choice she is not prepared to make. Best of luck I hate it for you. You have to play the hand your dealt the best you can.


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## 1234 (Dec 14, 2012)

Thundarr and ipad

Thanks for the well thought out advice, not sure where things will go from here, i just feel she needs to move on/out. I think you are "totally" right that i need to stop trying to understand "why".Don't let her treat you in ANY WAY THAT YOU WOULD NOT TREAT HER. 
For the other advice on finding out if there is somebody else, i wouldnt even know where to start? there hasnt been and continues to be no red flags, where we are at now. Not sure what difference it would make if i did find out there was somebody else.


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## sara18 (Dec 26, 2012)

I was in this situation as well. Many couples fall out of love and just need to rebuild it. In my situation, I was cheated on and it was because he fell out of love. For the sake our our children we got help from a counselor. Sometimes all it takes is a little bit of work. Being cheated on is quite heartbreaking. I felt like I couldn't even look at him. If you have any bit of love left then I suggest working on it. It worked for us and couldn't be happier. Marriage isn't something to let go of. It will get better if your spouse will work on it.


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## AlmostYoung (May 24, 2012)

1234 said:


> Thundarr and ipad
> 
> Thanks for the well thought out advice, not sure where things will go from here, i just feel she needs to move on/out.


If you stop pressuring her to change her mind, and instead give her space and time to figure herself out, she won't feel the need to leave your home. This is my plan, and W is still here and still no A.

If this truly is a MLC, it takes a long time for them to work through it, and nothing we do will help... but we can make things worse and push them away. 



> For the other advice on finding out if there is somebody else, i wouldnt even know where to start? there hasnt been and continues to be no red flags, where we are at now. Not sure what difference it would make if i did find out there was somebody else.


Right. Don't waste your time snooping and risk making your sitch even worse. If there is someone else you'll know soon enough by just paying attention. 

No more ILY's, no "lets go to counseling", no pursing behavior of any sort. She's done. (for now) The more you pressure her, the more she'll pull away. Work on making your own life spectacular, without her for now. It's your best shot.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

1234 said:


> For the other advice on finding out if there is somebody else, i wouldnt even know where to start?
> 
> *For example you might check the phone bill for any extreme amount of calls or texts to a certain number. Checking her email and facebook messages. These are just simple things you can do from your house, if you find something and want to find firmer evidence just post back I'll give you more ways to find out who's who and such.*
> 
> ...


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

AlmostYoung said:


> If there is someone else you'll know soon enough by just paying attention.


He hasn't until now and he wont until he decides get off his a$$ and do something.


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## 1234 (Dec 14, 2012)

I dont know her passwords for email, and facebook she is friends with all my family and friends. and from what i do know about iphones any texting iphone to iphone wont have any information with it. I will be paying more attention going forward. Still dont think it would change my situation, she has checked out not wearing her wedding ring anymore. Not much i can do.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

1234,
I received this speech from my husband a little over a year ago. It never got to the point of him leaving and thankfully he wasn't fooling around. We've been married 15 years and have two children.

We both checked out of our marriage for a while and were just going through the motions. Our life turned upside down due to the economy. I then realized what was important to me. I checked back into the marriage and he didn't. for months I tried everything. I was doing all of the heavy lifting and he was doing none.

Finally I told him I was done. Since I was the only one fighting for the marriage. I was going to stop. If I stopped and he wasn't going to fight for it then we wouldn't have a marriage. I ignored him and started doing things outside of the home. He realized I was serious and wanted to do something about it. I told him only if we go to counseling. I looked up pro-marriage counseling. All counseling is not created equally. For the past 2 months our marriage has been so much better. We are actually in love again.

My advice to you is to tel her if she doesn't come home and fight for the marriage then you are filing for divorce. If she doesn't come home, then file. It can always be rescinded at a later date. Show her you are serious. Let her know that you are willing to fight for her only if she is willing to fight for you. If she comes home go to a PRO-MARRIAGE counselor. Both of you must open up in counseling and do the homework the counselor gives you. She can't just go and not participate. And as everyone else has said Find Out If There Is Someone Else. If there is then file for divorce. 

Good luck to you. I am sorry you are going through this. I know the pain and devastation those words cause.


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## dgtal (Jun 11, 2010)

check cell phone bill. back history. 3 - 4 months
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

You do have to check. See if there is another person or if it is a general disconnect. The advice will be different.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

1234 said:


> I dont know her passwords for email, and facebook she is friends with all my family and friends. and from what i do know about iphones any texting iphone to iphone wont have any information with it. I will be paying more attention going forward. Still dont think it would change my situation, she has checked out not wearing her wedding ring anymore. Not much i can do.


1234,

I'm sorry to have to say that you appear to be either very passive or in denial or both. Quit making excuses and find out what is going on here. Your situation hinges on this. Until you find out what has captured the emotional bond your wife has taken away from you, you will not be able to defeat this influence and bring the bond back to yourself. Your wife did not just change from an emotionally connected woman into a turnip. She has moved that connection somewhere else. So get on the stick and find what is her new attachment so you can do something about it.


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## 1234 (Dec 14, 2012)

I have figured it out she is done with our relationship, and doesnt want to try anymore. Nothing else for me to do.
I want her out of the house but the finances just dont allow it right now so unfortunatly we might have to live together for a while. Not my first choice. She cant quailify for a loan, to split our debt im working on things to see if can keep the townhouse. Otherwise it looks like we will both been in 2bedroom places with 3 kids.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Is this what she said? If so then start treating her like a roommate. Don't do anything for her and pay the bills yourself. Don't give her any money. If she complains that the kids need something then go get it yourself. Let her feel what it is going to be like without you. Does she work?


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## 1234 (Dec 14, 2012)

Maybe not those exact words...yes she does have a good job but doesnt make as much money


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

You should read up on the 180. Pay only your half of the bills and such. Show interest in the kids, not her. A lot of posters have the 180 in their signatures.


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## 1234 (Dec 14, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 1234 (Dec 14, 2012)

Wow some really great Advice/points in there that are easier said than done, but truly I need to start doing.
What would you do?, I am at the point where I just want her to leave go stay at her sisters which she says is not an option, and she can't get a Basement suite until she has a part time job to pay the bills. Getting a job could take months and im not sure if I'm prepared to wait that long.Lot of financial factors.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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