# Don't know what to do???



## blue-man (Jul 7, 2010)

This is my first official post. I am surviving and affair from 6 months ago and having trouble dealing with my feelings and emotions. My wife had an emotional and sexual affair with a man that we both worked with (he quit when his girlfriend found out). It lasted only 2 months and then it was over before I knew anything even happened. My wife and I are now doing better than we were before the affair and she seems to have a renewed sense of what is important about us and our relationship. Long story short last 3 years have been really hard financially and emotionally and we drifted and she lost interested and couldn't tell me, I also felt the same way and didn't know what to do. I would have probably done that same thing she did but no one was hitting on me like she was being hit on, OM was telling her everything she wanted to hear and she fell for it. 

We just celebrated our 18 year anniversary and have been married 13. We have 2 kids and want to stay together. Everything in our relationship is better right now but ME. I feel like I am going crazy and can't stop thinking about the affair and whether I need to have a mid life crisis like my wife says she had. I have thought about having an affair before two or three times but never like this. I am consumed by this and it is making me feel really sad. There isn't anyone in the picture but if someone expressed any interest I'm afraid that I would jeopardized my marriage just like my wife did and go for it. I have tried to talk with my wife about this a few times but this is a really hard thing to talk about. I am trying to talk about it with her for a couple reasons because maybe I will talk myself out of it and also I wanted to forewarn her in case it actually happens. My therapist thinks I just need to buck up and get over these feelings and believe me I have tried. This has been going on in my head for 2 months and I don’t know what to do. The last time I talked about this with my wife she said just get it over with, but I am afraid that she may think it is OK for her to do the same again. I think her affair was mostly about lust and sex and honestly that is what I want to feel. I feel lust for my wife and she says she feels it for me but sometimes I have a hard time believing her. I have changed my life considerable and lost 30 lbs. and have worked on being happy for the things we still have, counting my blessings so to speak. We are a very lucky couple to still be in love with each other and be together after all we have been through. 

Please respond with insight and advice. Does anyone else feel this way and what are you doing to deal with it? Really need help and have no where else to turn. Thanks in advance. 

Blue-man


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

dude trust me having an affair will NOT alleviate those feelings! You will not only have the feelings of betrayal still there but you will also have to deal with any guilt you get from having an affair. 

How will your having an affair make you forget about what your wife did? Maybe it is time to seek out a new therapist to help you get ahold of those feelings.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Feel for you dude, and have/do feel the same way. Here's the thing though, even if you do get that lust/desire feeling from another woman - which temporarily props you up and validates your sexual attractiveness - it ultimately fails because it doesn't get the validation from your wife. She's the one you want to feel horney for you. 

The reality is that affair generated a lot of sexual energy in her that was directed at another man. It is an emasculating experience and I don't believe you do get over it. You get resigned to it.

If you really need to f*ck someone else, do it. But it's not going to solve the problem. And it certainly won't make your wife view you as more desirable.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

blue-man said:


> The last time I talked about this with my wife she said just get it over with, Blue-man


Yeh righto. Your wife hasn't a clue about who you are or where you are with your emotions.

You need to work through your emotions, figure them out. Don't supress them. You probably already have PTSD because it's been more than 4 weeks since the trauma. I'm thinking you're going to have to work through your emotions by yourself given the "attitude" your wife has.

Going off into affair land will magnify greatly the problems you already have.

Bob


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## dutch (Oct 11, 2010)

blue-man said:


> This is my first official post. I am surviving and affair from 6 months ago and having trouble dealing with my feelings and emotions. My wife had an emotional and sexual affair with a man that we both worked with
> 
> Get over it. I'm sure you were contributory to the situation. You just want to have sex with someone else for revenge or to get even. At this point, it's fruitless. You would be better off talking and telling her that the past is the past, but lets build on it. What did she get out the affair, emotional attention as well as sexual. You know why the emotional reason happened, but did you ask her what she enjoyed the most about the sex? If you don't want to know, Get over it and enjoy each other.


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## blue-man (Jul 7, 2010)

Thanks for your posts and responses. You are right, after posting this I realized that it would be to get even or for revenge. I don’t want that nor do I need to be with another woman to be happy, I need to find a way to make myself happy and move on. 

I wanted some opinions from guys who have been through this and to also get it off my chest. 

Thanks again for your responses. 

Blue - Man


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I had all kind of emotion when I confronted W, jealosy was one of them, and that was the time I wanted to go get laid, but common sense prevailed.
You will literally have to force your self into pushing the bad thoughts out and let the good thought of a positive future/now in.
We all have our reason for the dicision we make and don't let any one tell you what you should do.
For me I find that my wife did not have a character flaw that made her cheat, it was our behaviors in the marraige that generated the screwing around. Change those behaviors and we can have a successful marraige. 8 month ago it was a gamble and it paid off. 
Some fellas aren't so luck, they just ended up with someone that has some character flaws that make them sleep around no matter how good they treat there spouse. 
I quess when our a real *ss h*l* for 19 years and go through life dismissing your marraige, I figure for all the times she forgave me, I owe her one.
Now thats a rant


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## moeman (Aug 12, 2010)

After my wife's emotional affair, I attended four different types of therapy, lost 20 pounds (due to lack of appetite), and started smoking heavily. So what you're feeling is normal. I even confronted the OM (no black eyes -- just a message and walked away). It has been four months now since the affair. My main problem is my own thoughts. It will be difficult to get rid of them. However, if it's to be, it's up to ME.

M.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Get a new hobby...trust me on this one!


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## blue-man (Jul 7, 2010)

Your right I do need a new hobby. After reading more about this (other postings) I am starting to understand that I am not alone and the feelings are starting to fade, slowly but surely. It seems to be more of an after thought now and I have been working 2 jobs now and have way less free time so that is helping. Anyway thanks again to all of you and this website. 

At first when I found this website it helped alot and then I was feeling like it was reminding me to much of what happened so I stopped reading posts. Then I started down a mental trip that was making me crazy and felt the only way to get it off my chest was post it here. So far it seems to be working. "Moeman" I have been going to therapy and I consider this to be another form of therapy that seems to help. We both started smoking again and now we have both quit together AGAIN and we both have cut back on our drinking alot, my therapist suggestion. It has helped me gain more control over my thoughts and given me more energy. 

Thanks again and "Stay Human".
Blue-man


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

blue-man said:


> My therapist thinks I just need to buck up and get over these feelings and believe me I have tried. This has been going on in my head for 2 months and I don’t know what to do. The last time I talked about this with my wife she said just get it over with, but I am afraid that she may think it is OK for her to do the same again.
> Blue-man


I think your therapist is wrong.

Your therapist needs to get familiar with Post Infidelity Stress Disorder. And provide you therapy in that context.

If they can't find another one.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

I agree with michzz. If it was as easy as "getting over it" wouldn't all of us choose that? The reality is that your emotions are valid given a very stressful, life changing event. This isn't a suck it up and move on kind of thing. It's trauma, and needs to be treated accordingly.


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## moeman (Aug 12, 2010)

seeking sanity said:


> I agree with michzz. If it was as easy as "getting over it" wouldn't all of us choose that? The reality is that your emotions are valid given a very stressful, life changing event. This isn't a suck it up and move on kind of thing. It's trauma, and needs to be treated accordingly.


I once told my (ex)therapist that would you say the same things (put it behind you-let it go-be about the future not the past) if it was your own wife who had the affair? Dead silence...


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Good for you. Some people have no business being in counseling. The field is full of frauds and requires some real care before choosing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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