# My Story...



## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

I don't think I've ever posted my story in its entirety here, only in bits and pieces. I apologize for it's length and thank you in advance for reading.

Been with stbxh since I was 18. We were married for almost 23 years when he said he wanted a divorce, this was in June of 2011. 

Like many others here, we didn't have the best marriage; lots of arguments, mostly me arguing with him about petty stuff that really didn't matter. I'll be the first to admit that I didn't treat him very well. You can probably label me as a verbally abusive spouse. The temper tantrums and name calling was un-called for. He was mostly a very laid back type of person, or maybe it can now be called passive. 

We both worked, but money was always an issue as neither of us were very good at managing it. Sex was always an issue for me; he always wanted it, I, not so much. I believe this and obviously my ever changing emotional state were/are directly related to the life long depression I've had that has been mis-managed at best for the last 20-something years.

Five years into our marriage we had our first planned child, she is now 19 and off at college. Three years later our second, not so planned, but very welcomed child, a son, burst onto the scene. Our family was complete. During my pregnancy with son I went through a pretty difficult time with my depression and now looking back, I believe that's when stbxh started checking out.

Life went on uneventful for the next 10 or so years. We moved from one coast to the other, looking for a better life for us and the kids. Again, money was always a huge issue for us and we struggled to make ends meet most of the time. This seemed to cause an endless amount of stress for both of us only I was the one to show my stress. I was and still am an open book. I wear my emotions all over. He always seemed to take a passive role when it came to managing our money and our home. That always seemed to fall on my shoulders. His main responsiblity was to get himself up and get to work, and he did, and he worked hard to help support the family.

2009 FB came into the picture. He was never a computer user and at first had no interest in it. It was me who actually set him up an account and showed him how he could keep in touch with old school friends and family. From there he was off and running. It soon took up alot of his time. He became so enthralled with the chatting and making new friends all over the world that everything in his life took a back seat. He ended up meeting a girl in another country that he spent alot of time chatting with. It progressively got more and more frequent and I ended up blowing a gasket many times because of all the time he spent on line with her. He would always dismiss it as just friends. This went on for 2 years. At one point I told him he needed to stop so he deleted her, but then they started texting...him not thinking that I'd see these texts on our phone bill. I again told him he needed to cut off all communication with her. He then went and created another FB account just to keep in touch with her. His FB addiction was becoming out of hand in my opinion. 

In October of 2010 He completely checked out of the marriage. One day I just noticed that he wasn't affectionate towards me, his mood changed, he'd come home but go over to a neighbors house and hang out with them until he absolutely had to come home. He'd immediately get on his computer in the corner of the room where none of us could see what he was doing. He just completely detached. At this point I, in a panic, started doing everything I could to make things right; I knew in my heart it was too late, but I was scared and didn't want to lose my husband, especially to someone else. Every time I mentioned something about his internet use and how it bothered me, he'd get mad, telling me I'm imaging things, he's just friends with these women, It's my own insecurity, I'm crazy for thinking he's got anything going on with any of them, etc. At this point I'm in full-blown depression mode even though I'm on meds (have been for 20 years) and frantically trying to save my marriage. All I'm actually doing is pushing him further away. All the while I'm expressing my fears to him about him leaving, he kept assuring me he was not. I tried talking to him many times about the state of our union only to be blown off with comments like "I don't know where we stand", "It's not you, it's me".

The final straw broke in June of 2011 when I found messages on his phone through his FB account with this woman in the UK. Very sexually explicit messages. When I confronted him about them he blew up and he literally fought at me to get his phone from me. It was then that he blurted out that he wanted a divorce. That he had been feeling this way for years and only stayed because he had responsiblities. He was tired of the way I treated him. He felt that I was a not-so-good parent because I spent so much time by myself wrapped up in my own head. Which I will admit I did do. He got tired of hearing me tell him how bad our marriage was, how bad life was, how bad our whole situation was. All those years of hearing negative remarks from me wore on him. My question to him then and still today is "why didn't you ever say to me, we have a problem that we need to fix", or "we need to reevaluate our marriage and get help"? The few times we did try to go to MC it always ended up being about me and my depression and so our issues never got addressed and we'd give up.

So, here we are today, 13 months of being separated. The separation has been mostly amicable, even unconventional. He moved in with a relative who lives just a few houses away so we see each other often...almost daily if even in only passing. He see's his son a few times a week, whenever he decides to "drop by"...son never goes down to visit him. This past year we spent all holidays together with his family, who, btw, all live within just a few houses of each other. (When we moved from one coast to the other his family, 3 houses worth, moved with us and we all live on the same street). He takes the kids and I out for meals occasionaly and from time to time he'll help out around the house with yard work. Less now than in the beginning. All the maintenance seems to be falling on me now and it's becoming overwhelming. I sense he is detaching even further, which, I guess should be the normal progression of things. I believe he's in another affair with another woman a few states to the north. I think he's met with her a few times, one time happened to be on the weekend of our wedding/his moving out anniversary. He denies it, that he only needed to get away that weekend because it was our anniversary and he needed to be alone. Swears he wasn't with anyone else...I don't really believe it. I also believe that he is away this weekend with her. Say's he's away on business, who knows. I know this should not be my issue to worry about, but jealousy has set in.

So, that's my story and I'm sticking to it! It's been hell for the past 2-3 years and I believe it won't be ending soon. We still have the negotiations to go through and the actual dissolution of the marriage. 

I know I'm supposed to be taking away valuable lessons from all of this and am supposed to count this trial as a blessing. I have just recently started IC due to insurance issues last year that kept me from seeing a therapist. She has since referred me to another counselor who specializes in DBT, some sort of intense therapy that works on interpersonal relationships and how I deal with them. I'm crossing my fingers that I gleen something useful out of this. I've often said to my stbxh over the years that it's very difficult to live with myself sometimes as I don't know who I am or why I act the way I do.

If you've gotten this far, I thank you again for reading my story.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

justabovewater said:


> I don't think I've ever posted my story in its entirety here, only in bits and pieces. I apologize for it's length and thank you in advance for reading.
> 
> Been with stbxh since I was 18. We were married for almost 23 years when he said he wanted a divorce, this was in June of 2011.
> 
> ...


Thanks for sharing, Water. You have had a rough time of things. On top of everything else, it must be difficult to be surrounded by his family. What do they think of all this?

Depression is such a hard thing (I've been treated for it for twenty years, so I speak from experience.). I hope the new therapy helps. I haven't heard of it. I'm lucky as my depression is controlled by drugs. Of course, since my H left, it has been acting up.


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