# Staying together for the kids sake, the right thing to do?



## Feeling-Lonely (Nov 13, 2013)

I have been reading this forum and so many people mention kids as the main reason for staying together. I don't understand that. 

Imagine yourself in the kids shoes, seeing their parents unhappy and fighting, what kind of message that sends to them? That it is their fault parents stayed together and missed out on being happy with someone else? That the marriage sucks in general?

I am reading and just trying to understand, could it be that "the kids" is just an excuse and the truth is they are afraid of being alone and the possibility of not finding someone else? 

My parents are divorced and my dad is still together with "the other woman" she turned out to be the love of his life. they are very happy and I am happy for them. The divorce wasn't a big deal for me at all, all I really want for my parents is to be happy, it is their life after all, not mine.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

I'm a firm believer staying for the kids can sometimes do more damage than getting divorced. I think sometimes parents feel they are doing their kids
some kind of favor or good service to stay. IMO it's a disservice and there's no favors in parents who remain in a unhealthy toxic situation. My husbands 
folks stayed for the kids sake and they are now in their 80"s. His mother has told me she lives with the regret of not divorcing, and she feels and now knows she did
more harm than good by staying. The sad thing is my husband and his siblings are all messed up due to their folks and we the spouses have had to pay for it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HeartInPieces (Sep 13, 2013)

We don't give children the credit due them when we think they're not aware of things, but they are. They would know, would "feel" there is NO love between their parents. How do you think they would feel if they knew their parents were only staying together for their sake. I feel when they got older, understood things, they'd have rather had them each go their own ways and possibly find that right person who would give them the love and happiness they deserved. 


That does not mean you shouldn’t try to make it work before giving up. A marriage takes work isn’t always going to be easy. But like everything in life nothing good comes easy.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

I do not believe there is a one-size-fits-all answer to this question. It has to depend on circumstances.

But children naturally want both their parents around normally. I had neither for much of my upbringing and know how miserable that made me.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Thirty years I said "yes" to that question. Today I say "no". Children know when their parents are unhappy together and it usually makes them feel insecure. 

My mother stayed for me when I was in my early teens after my father cheated. I stayed for my son thirty years ago after my ex-husband cheated. My mother felt she did the right thing. I disagreed. I felt I did the right thing. My son disagrees. There are definitely success stories out there of couples who stayed for the children and then turned their marriages around. 

Anything is possible. Is it likely? My opinion, from my own story and those of others I know in real life, is there are more failures than successes. But it's a personal decision.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Staying for the kids is usually the wrong move. I have never heard anyone say that they were happy their parents suffered in a miserable marriage out of martyrdom.


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## *MiMi* (Mar 6, 2013)

I grew up in a household where my parents hated each other. There was a lot of fighting and throwing things. I remember being small and running down the street, covering my ears, hoping to escape. I'd find that I could still hear them even that far away. I'd beg my father to stop (mainly because I knew he was rational enough to do so).

I don't think I ever had a good example of what a healthy marriage should look like. Their hate for each other seeped into their daily lives and affected how they treated the children. I grew up with poor self-esteem and many insecurities. I don't think people should stay for the kids.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

There's no one size fits all answer to this question.

I do think though, that adults often underestimate the lasting damage and trauma that divorce inflicts on kids. Their whole childhood is turned upside down...I see my husband's daughter deal with things at 9 years of age that neither of us ever had to deal with as children and it breaks my heart. It's not fair 

People say "kids are tough" or "they adjust", and they probably do, but why should they have to?

It's a tough one.


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## *MiMi* (Mar 6, 2013)

That's a valid point, frusdil. I don't think either situation is ideal. My parents never divorced, so I can't say I understand the other side. I can only speak from my own perspective, and I think that we suffered more damage by them staying together.

It'll be interesting to hear what others have to say.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

my god nooo

I was one of those kids that were the excuse to prolong a dead marriage, and I ended really messed because my mother could not openly express her resentment towards my father for his affair (as she was afraid of he leaving her), so when nodoby was looking I became the receiver of that resentment


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## ElCanario (Nov 11, 2013)

I stay married because as a man, I have no protection or assurance that I will have the right to raise my kids. Thus I stay in a bad, miserable marriage because I want to be a father. I am lonely and unhappy, but would be even more so if I were to divorce.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

ElCanario said:


> I stay married because as a man, I have no protection or assurance that I will have the right to raise my kids. Thus I stay in a bad, miserable marriage because I want to be a father. I am lonely and unhappy, but would be even more so if I were to divorce.


That is incredibly sad. My ex and I do 50/50 shared care, we have equal rights as parents. We do this of our own accord but even if we were not amicable and had gone through the courts the result would have been the same. Where I live the children's best interests are what the courts consider and unless a parent is not a good parent, this means shared care is common.
The other factor is the children's ages, shared care is not so common for young babies and young children as the constant disruption of shared care is not considered to be in the child's best interest.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Feeling-Lonely said:


> I have been reading this forum and so many people mention kids as the main reason for staying together. I don't understand that.
> 
> Imagine yourself in the kids shoes, seeing their parents unhappy and fighting, what kind of message that sends to them? That it is their fault parents stayed together and missed out on being happy with someone else? That the marriage sucks in general?
> 
> ...


You are assuming there is fighting and arguing! There are some people that hide their intentions well wanting to save face. They are patient, calcualated, and wait until the kids are grown once they are 18..........see ya!!

If I was miserable I would file, but I'm 95% sure I would just wait get my ducks and in a row over time and file once my oldest was out of highschool.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I stayed in my marriage because I felt a responsibility to make everyone happy, safe and secure, I couldn't bare the thought of breaking up the family. I couldn't bare the thought of a broken family's future, things like the kids having to go to two houses for holiday's, or graduations and weddings or grand kids, I didn't want to be the one to fracture the future and complicate everyones lives. 

But I was wrong, I should have divorced years earlier. As miserable as I was I kept enduring, my ex(wife) actually mentioned divorce first, but once it was on the table I went at it full speed ahead. The kids stayed with me and it wasn't until their mom was out of the house did I realize how wrong I had been to stay married. The kids were happy, I was happy, our house was calm. All those years I was afraid of fracturing the family yet I was blind to see that the family was already broken. 

Feeling-Lonely, as a man and as a father I can only answer from my perspective, it was more than staying for the kids sake, I stayed for the families sake. The thought of being alone or never finding another to love never entered into the consideration, the thought of hurting others or failing the family is what made me stay.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I don't know. I don't think everybody can handle the arrangement psychologically. One of my neighbors has this sort of arrangement. At first they seemed like everyone else. Now I'm starting to notice that the husband seems really down these days. The wife seems to be handling it very well though. I can only assume that she was the one that wanted the divorce based on that. I'm not sure why he is torturing himself. 

When my wife and I are outside playing with the kids he is often outside with his. I can literally see the pain in his eyes worsen when my wife hugs me or touches me (she is super touchy feely). Its gotten to the point where I told my wife not to be all touchy feely on me when he is outside with his kids. I don't think he wants any of the wives for himself, I just think he wants a normal life again. I think it hurts him to see happy families all around while his is broken.


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## Onthefenc (Dec 11, 2013)

I think it all depends on how involved the non custodial spouse will be or can be. Will she or he take the the kids out of state? Or hours away? Speaking from my own situation. I say yes, staying for the kids is a good reason. My wife would take the kids and move. I would barely see them. Kids need a father


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

It completely depends on the way the situation is handled by the adults.

If they stay together and also work together to put forward a united front with mutual respect, it will be good for the kids.

But if they cant do that then divorce would be better and they can just hope that the divorce doesn't affect them too much.

From personal experience divorce ALWAYS has a negative effect on the children involved. But if it is the lesser of two evils, then that's just life.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

ElCanario said:


> I stay married because as a man, I have no protection or assurance that I will have the right to raise my kids. Thus I stay in a bad, miserable marriage because I want to be a father. I am lonely and unhappy, but would be even more so if I were to divorce.


VERY good point. The laws are so antiquated and anti-man that we stand a good chance of losing big time when it comes to children, not to mention money.

My brother divorced back in the 80's. His ex immediately stopped letting him see his kids. Once it went to court and the judge ordered her to allow him visitation, she packed up and moved 900 miles away and didn't tell him where. He stopped paying the alimony and child support and she quickly got in touch with him and let him know where they were but for the the next 10 years, if he wanted to see his kids he had to travel the 900 miles.

I tried to do an uncontested divorce with my stbx and she said "I might have to move back home if I can't make it here." Which translates to "I'm running home to mommy and daddy and I'm taking the kids." So I backed off and have since filed contested.

It's a huge risk for men to divorce. Especially in long-term marriages.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

I never think its a good idea to stay together with someone for the sake of the children.

When i was with my older boys dad, The only reason i stayed with him was because he was the father of my 3 children, they loved him to bits, and i did not want to break up the family, so i put up with him smoking pot, going out when he wanted, and seeing whoever he wanted to, I just put up with it, and was treated like a doormat.

I can just imagine what it would be like now if i stayed with the Jerk....

I never would have met my husband, and have the happy life we have now.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

BeachGuy said:


> ElCanario said:
> 
> 
> > I stay married because as a man, I have no protection or assurance that I will have the right to raise my kids. Thus I stay in a bad, miserable marriage because I want to be a father. I am lonely and unhappy, but would be even more so if I were to divorce.
> ...


It's a question I struggle with. My marriage lacks any sort of communication or intimacy. We don't fight because we don't communicate and my wife avoids talking about anything where she might have to be vulnerable or where there might be conflict. We sleep in separate bedrooms. We have tried to fix it but I don't know that it can be fixed. It is killing me ... tearing at me emotionally and making life miserable. I have given myself a timeline fir a divorce. 

I have a great relationship with my daughters. They are amazing. Well adjusted and happy. My favorite time of day is walking them to their bus stop and just talking about anything. We have breakfast and dinner together nearly every day as a family. I help them with their homework, talk about their day and put them to bed. There are so many wonderful moments that happen daily that it absolutely breaks my heart to think about giving that up just for giving myself a chance at a healthy and happy relationship. I know my marriage is tearing me apart but when I look at my beautiful daughters I just feel selfish.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## Mistyfied (Sep 27, 2013)

Feeling-Lonely said:


> I have been reading this forum and so many people mention kids as the main reason for staying together. I don't understand that.
> 
> Imagine yourself in the kids shoes, seeing their parents unhappy and fighting, what kind of message that sends to them? That it is their fault parents stayed together and missed out on being happy with someone else? That the marriage sucks in general?
> 
> ...


My kids don't see us fight. People that know us think we are close. 

The kids will never be at fault for me not finding happiness with someone else. 1. That's my decision that they are not responsible for. 2. If I am not married to my husband for any reason, I plan to be single the rest of my life.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Mistyfied said:


> Feeling-Lonely said:
> 
> 
> > I have been reading this forum and so many people mention kids as the main reason for staying together. I don't understand that.
> ...


I don't know your story but it sounds like you're just done and choosing to be happy for the sake of your children. Does your husband know this or is he in agreement and doing likewise?

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I dont judge anyone for the decision they make in this situation. Seriously. 

I am not in a position of thinking about divorce, but I am a parent. I can tell you that no matter how "fair" the custody turned out to be, I would die not being able to spend every day with my kids. There is so much of their everyday lives, the mundane stuff, that I cherish and I could not imagine giving that up. 

I understand that is a selfish way to think, considering it may be better for the kids if you are not together. 

My parents have been married nearly 40 years, in a passionless business relationship peppered with fighting and threats. They didnt fight in front of me, but it was absolutely clear when they were not getting along. You could cut the tension with a knife. Any joy that I may have had for outside reasons was immediately masked by the atmosphere in the house. 

I now struggle with intimacy in my own marraige. I am not affectionate and I struggle with cuddling, showing my feelings and things like that. 

My parents still stay together out of some sense of duty I guess....not sure its the right thing for them.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I'm sure there are people who should be divorced due to abuse, or other negative reasons that make it tough on the kids; however, I think that when one gets to a point that they just don't feel happy anymore because the spouse isn't buttering the bread properly, I think it should be given a lot of serious thought for the kids sake.

My x wife was just the opposite of wanting to stay for the kids. In our marriage, there was no cheating, fighting, or abuse, but my x decided at age 38 that i wasn't exciting enough anymore and couldn't do anything right anymore; I suppose it's what some would call a mid-life crisis. She didn't seem to care about the kids feelings; she would always say, "oh, they will adjust."

She didn't just go wild; she actually tried to retain the calm lifestyle that we had, but just decided she was finished with me. 

She has her a new man after three years, but she doesn't get along at all with our 15 year old daughter. My daughter says she's never in a good mood unless she's around the new guy, and my daughter has let her have it a few times about how much she hates the divorce situation.

So, I think it depends on what the reason is. I think one should give it all they have before ending a marriage and realize that it's not "all" about one person's total happiness when there is a family involved.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

southbound said:


> I'm sure there are people who should be divorced due to abuse, or other negative reasons that make it tough on the kids; however, I think that when one gets to a point that they just don't feel happy anymore because the spouse isn't buttering the bread properly, I think it should be given a lot of serious thought for the kids sake.
> 
> My x wife was just the opposite of wanting to stay for the kids. In our marriage, there was no cheating, fighting, or abuse, but my x decided at age 38 that i wasn't exciting enough anymore and couldn't do anything right anymore; I suppose it's what some would call a mid-life crisis. She didn't seem to care about the kids feelings; she would always say, "oh, they will adjust."
> 
> ...


I don't disagree that there are some who don't give it a fair chance and clearly your marriage is a victim of it. In my case, we have been nearly celibate for 6 or 7 years (and disappointing for 21 years) and I have nobody to talk to in my marriage. Lots of effort has been made to fix it. These things are important to me. I have been able to pretend those things aren't important and focus on positive things but the truth is it tears me down bit by bit. It is not a matter of being happy ... it is long past the point of becoming unhealthy. If I stay for the kids then I will be nearly 60 before the last one is out of the house. If I don't stay then there are no guarantees it will be any better. Very difficult decision.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## JrsMrs (Dec 27, 2010)

This kind of sentiment assumes a miserable, turbulent, unstable household that ignores the needs of the children, which I do not think is always the case. It also assumes that divorced parents automatically develop happy, supportive, nurturing separate households, which is also an idea that I have trouble buying into.
This is not a one size fits all scenario, and I resent anyone telling me that my children will be better off in the long run having lived through a tumultuous divorce and moving out of their stable home just because my marriage is not all I wish it was. I am an adult and feel that I am generally able to maintain a positive environment for them in spite of how my marriage is or is not meeting my own personal needs. I am also skeptical that divorced single parenthood, and all the struggles that come along with it, would be a better scenario for them at this point.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

JrsMrs said:


> This kind of sentiment assumes a miserable, turbulent, unstable household that ignores the needs of the children, which I do not think is always the case. It also assumes that divorced parents automatically develop happy, supportive, nurturing separate households, which is also an idea that I have trouble buying into.
> This is not a one size fits all scenario, and I resent anyone telling me that my children will be better off in the long run having lived through a tumultuous divorce and moving out of their stable home just because my marriage is not all I wish it was. I am an adult and feel that I am generally able to maintain a positive environment for them in spite of how my marriage is or is not meeting my own personal needs. I am also skeptical that divorced single parenthood, and all the struggles that come along with it, would be a better scenario for them at this point.


Good post. One of my wife's ideas was that she didn't want her kids being around an unhappy mother. She acted as though a divorce, single parenting, and eventually bringing someone else into the mix would make our kids lives so much better.

I'm with you, I think adults should have developed a few skills along the way to help cope with some of life's issues.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

The kids welfare is a huge factor which made me stay. Today, I'm glad I stayed.

If we had divorced the kids would have been exposed to who knows what???? in the other household. Having them under the same roof with both of us, I have way more control over what they are exposed to and I think that has been healthier for them.

And the marriage came out of the tailspin and is improving.


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## pinkslippers (Dec 16, 2013)

I'm extremely unhappy in my marriage but I'm currently staying for the kids. My kids don't see us fight because we are great friends....we're just horrible spouses. We sleep in the same bed, talk nicely to each other, laugh at each others jokes, do things together-we just don't act married. 
Also, my oldest has a different father and every holiday I have to send her to her father's. She visits him the whole summer so I miss her birthday. He lives in a different state. I miss out on a lot with her and I can't imagine having to split more holidays with my youngest kids. When they are older and able to vocalize what they really want and how they feel, if things aren't better, then I'll leave. Until then, I'm just faking it in front of them. They didn't cause our problems and I feel like taking away everything that's familiar will seem like punishment.
My parents divorced when I was young. My father constantly blamed us for the divorce. We saw him hysterically crying and that scarred my sisters and I. We still remember the day he told us they were divorcing. It went downhill from then on.


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## Mistyfied (Sep 27, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> I don't know your story but it sounds like you're just done and choosing to be happy for the sake of your children. Does your husband know this or is he in agreement and doing likewise?
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


I haven't entirely given up on us. I just can't do anymore on my own. My husband knows this but I don't think he really gets it. Other than emotional and physical intimacy, we look married to anyone else.


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## Mistyfied (Sep 27, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> I don't know your story but it sounds like you're just done and choosing to be happy for the sake of your children. Does your husband know this or is he in agreement and doing likewise?


I haven't entirely given up on us. I just can't do anymore on my own. My husband knows this but I don't think he really gets it. Other than emotional and physical intimacy, we look married to anyone else.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

pinkslippers said:


> I'm extremely unhappy in my marriage but I'm currently staying for the kids. My kids don't see us fight because we are great friends....we're just horrible spouses. We sleep in the same bed, talk nicely to each other, laugh at each others jokes, do things together-we just don't act married.
> Also, my oldest has a different father and every holiday I have to send her to her father's. She visits him the whole summer so I miss her birthday. He lives in a different state. I miss out on a lot with her and I can't imagine having to split more holidays with my youngest kids. When they are older and able to vocalize what they really want and how they feel, if things aren't better, then I'll leave. Until then, I'm just faking it in front of them. They didn't cause our problems and I feel like taking away everything that's familiar will seem like punishment.
> My parents divorced when I was young. My father constantly blamed us for the divorce. We saw him hysterically crying and that scarred my sisters and I. We still remember the day he told us they were divorcing. It went downhill from then on.


You guys are stronger than I am.

I am either not well equipped to deal with this or my conviction isn't strong enough. My wife is a lot like you guys in that her children are her highest priority; a high enough priority to stay in an unhappy situation. However, they are her priority to a fault ... placing her children far above her marriage. I only wish she could understand that if she placed her marriage first then her children would not be at risk from suffering through a divorce. She appears to be capable of indefinitely pretending that as long as her children are happy, she can ignore other issues as if they don't exist. 

Her perspective is different than mine though in that she is the child of divorce. Additionally, her dad was an alcoholic and her mom ... well, she was barely a mother at all. She developed a tough shell early in life out of necessity. My parents have been married for 46 years and there have been no divorces on either side of the family. No doubt my parents were imperfect but they are the model of stability. 25 years after I packed up my belongings and left home for good, I can still come back home to my parents beautiful immaculate house, stay in my old room, sit in the same chair at the same table for dinner and go out and see the friends who still live there ... as if I never left.

I do have some experience with what may happen if we divorce. In 2011, I separated from their mom. It was incredibly painful and I remember every detail of explaining it to my daughters. The look on my oldest daughter's face is seared into my memory. I did not leave in order to divorce but the situation became so untenable that I felt we needed to separate in order to be able to have any chance at fixing it. I frequently talk about intimacy on this forum and at this point we hadn't had sex for 3.5 years but that wasn't the reason I left. The lack of physical intimacy, sexual or non-sexual was the symptom. The decision point for me was that she was homeschooling the children, doing a poor job and refusing to put them in school. She barely did anything and spent most of her time socializing. The children were falling behind. I was furious about that and the resentment and anger I had about that issue and a number of other issues was unhealthy. One of my requirements for reconciliation was getting my children in school. They are now in school, honor roll students and thriving like I've never seen them. I achieved my primary goals to benefit them while at the same time damaging them. I talk about how well-adjusted they are but it took a long time to get there and my youngest still suffers from trust issues ... and she was the one I thought would be least affected. To this day, she has to know where I am at all times and when she doesn't she suffers from anxiety.

My wife and I are friends. Our household is a reasonably pleasant environment for our children. I have fought long and hard to get to this point. Two things that are missing are intimacy and any real communication. Both of these have been problems really since the beginning of our marriage but now there is too much of a divide. I cannot confide in her anymore and she isn't interested. Every attempt is evaluated with the question ... "how does this affect me or say about me?" She doesn't literally ask that question but her interpretation and responses are within that context. She does not confide in me. She has always struggled to do this and now she doesn't at all. For the longest time I interpreted this as a reflection of me without understanding why but honestly I think I'm the closest she's ever come to confiding in anybody and her interaction with her parents, siblings and friends reinforce that. She will not reveal anything that allows her to appear vulnerable. Our marriage counselor even made that observation unsolicited. I can't remember the last time she asked me how I was doing or said something positive about me. Outwardly she is not a negative person but I suspect internally she is always in conflict with self-doubt and a general negative outlook. I think she cannot bring herself to discuss anything meaningful or say anything positive because this will open herself up, making her vulnerable and then she might have to actually deal with the conflict inside her. 

Intimacy is completely gone. Sexual intimacy has been a problem since I've known her but now any sort of intimacy is gone. We sleep in separate bedrooms. We haven't as much as touched each other since July. She does have a low sex drive but the other issues are at the heart of it. I say that we have been nearly celibate for 6 or 7 years but we've had sex 5 times this year and that is the most in any year for as long as I can remember. It was the result of extreme effort on my part to bring some intimacy into our marriage. Every day I had goals ... kiss her, tell her you love her, say something you appreciate about her, work on communication, etc. Amazingly, our marriage had gotten to the point that a checklist was even necessary. I kept a journal. I scoured the internet for ideas. That resulted in sex about once a month until a point early in July when she reverted back to many of the same behaviors from even prior to our separation ... as if she no longer needed to try or pretend ... the problems hadn't been fixed and it only appeared that we were making progress. I haven't been able to bring it back since. 

I have put so much effort into it that I fear and am prepared to admit that these issues will always be present ... the effort is too one-sided.

I am all but convinced that a divorce may be in our best interests and yet there are many moments like tonight when I was tucking my girls into bed that I waver. My conviction is tested. I look at my beautiful girls and wonder how I could ever do that to them. I am not strong. I am a weak man. I know this sounds extreme but I know that choosing to stay in my marriage for the children means choosing to live my life, quite possibly at my age, the rest of my life, alone in my marriage; without intimacy, an emotional connection or someone to share myself with. Even though I have a reasonably high sex drive and I don't relish the idea of remaining celibate for the rest of my life, it isn't about sex ... it is about intimacy ... emotional intimacy and physical intimacy (sexual and non-sexual) ... the whole reason for getting married in the first place, believing you had the partner to share your "self" with for the rest of your life. I also know that choosing to leave my marriage will permanently affect my children for the rest of their life and quite likely damage the father/daughter relationship that is so important for their preparation for adulthood. Can I do that even knowing full well that life guarantees nothing and what I have now may be no worse than what I end up with? As a parent and a father of daughters, my instinct is to protect my children, not knowingly and willingly damage them. It is a heartbreaking choice between two options that literally make me sick to my stomach.

I don't know that I can be as strong as many of you and stay in my marriage. I don't know if I have it in me anymore. What I am missing is "hope" and living without hope is difficult. I don't have to have a physically intimate relationship to find meaning in my life but I am not an island; I do have a need for emotional intimacy. To stay, I have to simply accept it for what it is and find hope by other means but I fear the loneliness and sorrow will always be present. I just don't know. If I divorce then I will do whatever it takes for however long it takes for my children to understand and accept that it is not their fault. It is their father's failing. When they are ready with questions, I will answer them openly and honestly but they will never hear me criticize their mother or assign blame. I will not put them in the middle of any disagreements I may have with their mother and I will refuse to allow them to be used as leverage by either of us. Even though the living arrangements will be different, I am not going anywhere. I will continue to be there for all their events, meet with their teachers, take them to appointments and be an active and equal participant in their parenting. My time with them will be dedicated to them and not simply a baby sitting arrangement. When my daughter texts me in the middle of the day just to say hello, my goal will still be to put a smile on her face and brighten her day. We will still make time to snuggle on the couch, watch a movie and eat bad stuff ... "Dorito time" will not go away. We will still talk and laugh and they will know that they can talk to me about anything even if now that means that on some days, it has to happen over the phone. I will not introduce the wrong people into their lives and if there comes a time to introduce anybody, it will only happen when they are ready, for however long that is. I will not subject them to a revolving door of potential step-moms. They already have a mother and I will not be searching for a replacement. I will ensure that they are provided for and have all the financial support they need. They will know that I love them and am always there for them. That is my promise to them.

Too long for anybody to read ... but it was cathartic


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Blonde said:


> ...
> And the marriage came out of the tailspin and is improving.


What changed? Did one of you finally decide enough was enough, and started to act differently?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I strongly don't believe in staying just for the kids. The kids don't need to grow up in a hostile environment if there's a lot of fighting and bickering going on. 

I can't imagine what my life and my daughters life would be like if I didn't leave my first marriage. I would of never met the love of my life whom I've been with the last 15 years and my life would of been pure hell for my daughter and I. I would of never had any more children with my ex h even if I did stay. My ex is very unfaithful and abusive.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

kag123 said:


> I dont judge anyone for the decision they make in this situation. Seriously.
> 
> I am not in a position of thinking about divorce, but I am a parent. I can tell you that no matter how "fair" the custody turned out to be, I would die not being able to spend every day with my kids. There is so much of their everyday lives, the mundane stuff, that I cherish and I could not imagine giving that up.
> 
> ...


I wish more people would understand this. My ex was also the poor suffering child from the parents in a loveless marriage. Neither he or his siblings grew up with a good sense of how important intimacy is in a marriage.

Sure people that stay for the kids do it for what they consider to be the right reasons, heck I did it myself for a few years. The reality is though that they may well be doing their children far more harm by staying. Modelling an unhealthy marriage is a disaster waiting to happen for kids that live with parents that are in a loveless marriage. I refused to let it keep going through to the next generation, me ex would not/could not fix the stuff up his parents made of him and I was not going to stunt my kids emotional growth by showing them the same poor example.


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## pinkslippers (Dec 16, 2013)

I think if the marriage is full of hostility and tension, then yes, by all means get out. My first relationship (my oldest daughter's father) was full of hostility and fighting-he was very mean to me. Leaving was the best thing. He wasn't interested in being a father so most nights it was just her and I anyways. Our situation improved when we left because we could be alone and do whatever we wanted without "retribution" from him.
However, with my husband, there is no hostility or tension and my kids, even my first, all have an amazing bond with him. They look forward to him coming home from work and spending time with him. They miss him when he's not here. He's a great father, just a really crappy husband. They have no idea of the issues we have or how we got to the place we're at now. 
If things change by the time I finish my degree, then great. Maybe we can get to a better place. But, if the can't, then I'm prepared to leave and start a new life. At the point, all the kids will be older and better able to understand. They are still young right now and will no doubt have many questions about why daddy is no longer living in the same house. That's not something that I'm prepared to explain right now or any time soon.
And like I said, right now they have no idea what goes on behind closed doors. They see us as happy-they have no idea that anti-depressants and psychiatrists are behind the happy!


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