# Desperate for any tips!!



## armywife0520 (Aug 29, 2011)

Hi all,

Have been around here for a little while. To summarize long story short: very young couple, been married for about a year, husband left me 4 months in saying he needed to reconcile with his son's mother (they were never married) and was with her for about a month until that ended and ever since weve been struggling to repair the damage. My issue now: he has been pretty much awesome when it comes to being open and willing. I have every password (which is now becoming my problem), he gives me a play by play of his day, we've been on a marriage retreat and are starting counseling by our pastor. The issue at hand is even with all the openness I am still struggling. My anxiety is through the roof every day, obsessing what he's doing, who he's talking to, what he's thinking.. just completely unhealthy. I must check his email and phone records at least 10 times a day if I'm home near a computer. I'm just making my life miserable trying to control my husband and obsessing about whether he will do it to me again. I know this only will push him away in the long run even though he is being patient and understanding now. Any tips on how to cope with these obsessive tendencies and feelings and the worry of whats around the next corner would be SO appreciated.. I hate being like this!!!!


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Acceptance and boundaries. You have to accept that you can not control what he does and the possibility that he could do it again. Then you need to know what you will and will not accept in a marriage. If you are similar to me, my H gets this one chance. If he decides to cheat again, I am perfectly content to divorce without looking back. I am sure it won't be quite that easy if it ever came down to it, but I know that its a need for me to be emotionally healthy.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Does he understand what he did to you?

Your need to check on him is normal, and assuming you find NOTHING that raises your suspicion it should pass in time. 

When he left you to go back to his Ex what happened? How and why did he come back to you? Since they have a child together how "in the picture" is she and do you expect her to be?


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## maverick77 (Feb 24, 2012)

hiya, more you will chase, more he will fly away. Admire what you have. Focus on yourself. Make yourself hard to resist. Cherish every passing moment, enjoy life. Hopefully you both have a lifetime of memories. Life is too short to stress about little things. Bless.


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## maverick77 (Feb 24, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> Does he understand what he did to you?
> 
> Your need to check on him is normal, and assuming you find NOTHING that raises your suspicion it should pass in time.
> 
> When he left you to go back to his Ex what happened? How and why did he come back to you? Since they have a child together how "in the picture" is she and do you expect her to be?


erm, i disagree my friend. My tip - give him space. have awesome sex life and be his best friend ever. why should he wander!?


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## workitout (Jan 24, 2012)

Its good that you're starting MC together, but you probably should consider IC. Everyone has things they need to work on. While my marriage is over, IC has prepared me to be a better form of myself.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Birth control (for you - def not a good time to be pregnant).
And stick to your values.
Decide what is important to you at your core and do not compromise these values, but be respectful when defending them.
Don't do things you wouldn't normally do, out of fear you need to be better than someone else, the best and most attractive choice - because then when you need to go back to what's comfortable for you (in order to protect those core values), you will create anxiety and feel trapped.
Individual therapy.
Who initiated all of the counseling and the retreats?
Have any ultimatums been issued?
Now is a good time to start activities you have neglected in order to be a 'good wife'. You need some kind of a life to have for yourself, that will stay secure no matter how he is acting on any particular day. Choose something you know you can immerse yourself in and that you truly enjoy and have always wanted to do. Then give yourself permission to do it. Assuming you will not like, follow a"nyone else's" example in this respect. (Yikes.)


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## maggot brain (Nov 28, 2010)

Sounds like you are on the right track. Just keep doing what you're doing and over time I think you will have some healing.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

It sounds like you may be a bit Co-dependent on him. The running around trying to catch him to the point that is making you feel nuts is not healthy indeed. 

I would suggest a work book called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.

It would help you alot to be able to stop the obsessive checking up on him because it has gone beyond verifying. I think that it would help you to pull back and detach a bit from the crazies that get to people after things like this have happened. 
In other words it will help you seperate healthy from unhealthy actions because you are in survival mode right now. You are running around trying to save and protect your marriage but in the unhealthy way. 
I know you sound very much like me. How many times can I look through his email everyday find nothing and look again like I missed something or I am going to see something before he does. Like I am running aroud trying to have my fears and feeling validated and it is making me nuts.
Good luck and best wishes.


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## SadLovingHusband (Apr 21, 2011)

You sound very similar to how I was for the first 3 or 4 months post d-day. I wasn't so much worried about her cheating again, for me, it was more about making sure I had all the information about her past cheating. That I wasn't being lied to again.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

maverick77 said:


> hiya, more you will chase, more he will fly away. Admire what you have. Focus on yourself. Make yourself hard to resist. Cherish every passing moment, enjoy life. Hopefully you both have a lifetime of memories. Life is too short to stress about little things. Bless.


:rofl:



maverick77 said:


> erm, i disagree my friend. My tip - give him space. have awesome sex life and be his best friend ever. why should he wander!?


:lol::rofl:

To the OP.

The only thing that will make your paranoia go away is time and his transparency.

If he can`t take the time needed to let you deal with it and help you deal with it he`s not worth it anyway.

Of course there will come a time when it`s got to stop.
Start thinking and preparing for that time.


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## armywife0520 (Aug 29, 2011)

Wow! Thanks so much for all of your responses!! If any of you are interested I have posted my full story on here a few times so just look through my posts. It is defiantly an uphill battle, I'm not sure if he does fully understand the damage he's done. Most people would have walked away from our relationship while dating and defiantly walked away after the affair but I truly don't believe in divorce and like I said it's only been a year so I need to for my own sake fight as much as I can for this marriage. I hope time will heal it as many of you say. Kuriosity- thank you for your post I am absolutely co dependent on him and you completely hit home. 
As many of you said, I need to find my own life outside of my marriage because honestly I do not fully trust my husband and know I cannot depend on him at this point in our lives. It is just so difficult because it really does feel as though every day I am in "survival" mode fighting for this. As a Christian, I am trying my best to throw myself into church and my relationship with God. I am also a full time student in Nursing school along with being a part time nanny. I have a lot going on that needs my focus and this obsessive checking up on my husband really is taking away from the things that need my attention. I hope this is something that will come along with maturity and experience.. thank you all again.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ArmyWife,

Your feelings and what you are doing right now is pretty normal for this stage of recovery from the affair. You have little reason to trust him. He needs to do things to become more trustworthy. He’s apparently not doing that.

The normal suggestion of how to handle is it that the wayward spouse (WS) gives the betrayed spouse (BS) passwords to everything (cell, computer, etc) and is 100% open about what they are doing, where they are going, etc. You should do the same for him… give him your info. That shows that transparently is a two way street… which it should be.

Don’t worry about what you are doing. You are not do-dependent. You do not trust your husband for very good reasons. If you check on him and find nothing then over time you will learn that he’s being honest and trustworthy and stop it.

It takes 2-5 years to recover from infidelity. It’s a horrible experience. Check and double check all you need to. One day you will just get tired of it and stop. Believe me that day will come. It took me two years to stop. At first I was like you… is was a many times a day thing. Then it dwindled. At about 18 months I checked about once a week. By the end of 2 years it was about a once a month. Then I did not check for a few months. Now I spot check about once or twice a year. It’s been 10 years now.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Please explain how you are co-dependent on him? What do you do that is co-dependent?


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## armywife0520 (Aug 29, 2011)

Thank you Ele Girl. I have been in IC a few times and I've always just identified with what I have been told about co dependency. Throughout our very rocky past every time he left or did something stupid I would feel like my world is ending. I now have mini anxiety attacks when he doesn't answer my phone calls for an hour or two or other stupid things. I have put way more into our relationship than he has, giving up pretty much anything. Not that he hasn't because he has but it is unbalanced. Whenever I think about what could happen (divorce, other infidelities etc) it literally cripples me. It's almost as if nothing matters without having this person in my life and I'm fully aware it's a pathetic, unhealthy, sad way to think but it's how I feel and his unfaithfulness has done nothing but made it much much worse. Wouldn't you agree that is co dependency?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

armywife0520 said:


> Thank you Ele Girl. I have been in IC a few times and I've always just identified with what I have been told about co dependency. Throughout our very rocky past every time he left or did something stupid I would feel like my world is ending. I now have mini anxiety attacks when he doesn't answer my phone calls for an hour or two or other stupid things. I have put way more into our relationship than he has, giving up pretty much anything. Not that he hasn't because he has but it is unbalanced. Whenever I think about what could happen (divorce, other infidelities etc) it literally cripples me. It's almost as if nothing matters without having this person in my life and I'm fully aware it's a pathetic, unhealthy, sad way to think but it's how I feel and his unfaithfulness has done nothing but made it much much worse. Wouldn't you agree that is co dependency?


It can be hard to differentiate between normal attachment and co-dependency. Have you considered joining a group that helps people deal with codependency? It might help you a lot.

I found the below link and am posting it here because I found it helpful. You might already know this stuff. But there are a lot of people who read these posts that could benefit from it.

Mental Health America: Co-dependency


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Finding Co-Dependents Anonymous & Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings

I get a lot of inquiries from people around the country about how to find 12 step support groups in their area. Most of the inquiries are about Co-Dependents Anonymous meetings (CoDA) but some are looking for Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families (ACA or ACoA).

Finding Co-Dependents Anonymous, Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings


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## armywife0520 (Aug 29, 2011)

Thank you! Based on the co dependency questionnaire, I don't seem to have any of those qualities so maybe it is just results of an unhealthy relationship. That does make me feel a bit better and little less crazy!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

armywife0520 said:


> Thank you! Based on the co dependency questionnaire, I don't seem to have any of those qualities so maybe it is just results of an unhealthy relationship. That does make me feel a bit better and little less crazy!


Good, it's always better to be a little less crazy! 

I think that what you are going through is part of the normal reaction to an affair and finding out that your spouse is not trustworthy.

This is one reason that so many marriages end after affairs. They break so much in the relationship and cause so much pain. Sometimes divorce is just easier.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

armywife0520, pm DawnD. She has been there and is EXTREMELY sharp.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

maverick77 said:


> erm, i disagree my friend. My tip - give him space. have awesome sex life and be his best friend ever. why should he wander!?


Um, people cheat even when they have an awesome sex life with their spouse, even when their spouse is loving, beautiful and everything anyone can ask for. 

People do are often simply selfish. 

No spouse 'should' wander. But some like you cheat because they feel entitled and feel no obligation to respect and love their spouse.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You can't control him. You can't stop anything from happening.

You CAN control yourself and your actions.

You CAN just let go to find peace.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

that_girl said:


> You can't control him. You can't stop anything from happening.
> 
> You CAN control yourself and your actions.
> 
> You CAN just let go to find peace.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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