# Blended family question



## MeinKC (Jul 1, 2013)

Hi all, this is my first post here! My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost 2 years, we are absolutely in love, get along wonderfully, resolve (most of) our conflicts with ease, communicate great and I could not imagine a more amazing woman. Our only issue, and a big one that causes us conflict, is our boys. She has a 4 1/2 year old and I have a 7 1/2 year. We have both been married once before and our boys are from our previous marriages. We did not associcate our boys with each other the first year or so of our relationship, we wanted to see how we could be as a couple before we brought them together. Also, we do not live together but live within 10 minutes of each other. 

The two boys personalities are very different. My son is very outgoing, full of energy and stubborn. My son also makes friends with nearly every kid he comes into contact with. Her son is quiet, shy and very loving and nice and he gets his feelings hurt very easily. He idolizes my son and he loves to follow my son around and do what he does. My son loves Batman, the last time her son got new shoes he even insited on getting Batman shoes. Her son hugs my son and will tell him he loves him. However, my son is no where near as enamored with her son. He gets easily annoyed with her son and at times will bully him by taking toys, etc away from him. I have talked to my son extensively about being inclusive, respectful and treating her son how he wants to be treated. Things have improved but it's nowhere near where we would be able to consider moving in together or getting married.

This was a long post, but it's a serious problem for us. If we can't figure this out our relationship will eventually end and that is not something that either my girlfriend or I want. My girlfriend and I can communicate about this so any help, ideas or suggestions would be GREATLY appreciated!


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Have you had a talk with your son about how he feels about the other kid? Does he feel you are playing favorites? Does he fear your love will be divided between the two? Is he jealous of having to share his time with him? I think perhaps going to a family counselor to give your son a chance to discuss those fears might really help. Odds are he would feel a lot of those feelings with a birth brother, too. 

Maybe talking with him and reassuring him you'll always set aside time for just the two of you, or praising him for being a great 'big brother' when he shows tolerance is also a good idea. He is still quite young and the two could have a long and loving sibling relationship. Be sure to talk to your girlfriend about house rules and agree on how they should be enforced - i.e. talking back/being disrespectful from either of them gets what consequence? That way you both enforce the exact same way so there can be no feelings of favoritism. It's only natural to love your own child more initially but I would imagine it wouldn't take long to love the others' child just as much.

Good luck.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would spend more time doing things with them together with you two, or with just you. If your son sees that you still include him with your personal time just as much as before, he won't be jealous of what SS is taking away from him.


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## MeinKC (Jul 1, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Have you had a talk with your son about how he feels about the other kid? Does he feel you are playing favorites? Does he fear your love will be divided between the two? Is he jealous of having to share his time with him? I think perhaps going to a family counselor to give your son a chance to discuss those fears might really help. Odds are he would feel a lot of those feelings with a birth brother, too.
> 
> Maybe talking with him and reassuring him you'll always set aside time for just the two of you, or praising him for being a great 'big brother' when he shows tolerance is also a good idea. He is still quite young and the two could have a long and loving sibling relationship. Be sure to talk to your girlfriend about house rules and agree on how they should be enforced - i.e. talking back/being disrespectful from either of them gets what consequence? That way you both enforce the exact same way so there can be no feelings of favoritism. It's only natural to love your own child more initially but I would imagine it wouldn't take long to love the others' child just as much.
> 
> Good luck.


Yes, I have talked with my son continuously about how he will always be my priority and my favorite son. (My GF says the same things to her son. In fact, I never added that he would be my favorite until I heard my GF say that to her son.) I have also talked to my son about how he feels about the other child and his reply is that the other boy "annoys" him. Which I can understand, my GF's son wants to be with my son constantly and does not like to play alone when my son is around. I tell my son that he is to treat my GF's son as he would any other kid, with courtesy and respect and he needs to be a little more tolerant of him. My son plays well and shares all of his toys with any of his friends or cousins, it's only the GF's son where I have these issues with him.

I share 50/50 custody of my son with my ex-wife and when my son is with me he is the focus of my time. Our boys are together maybe once every 2 weeks at most, and then its only for a few hours. 

When it comes to parenting style, my GF and I parent differently. I am more strict in the things I allow my son to say and do. It is a great idea to discuss the 'house rules' and such. 

Thank you for your reply!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I was 3 years younger than my brother and my mom made him take me with him everywhere, and he hated me for that.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Are there any other kids in the picture with your ex that your son has to deal with?

It sounds like the boys need to spend more time together. Your son has spent almost 8 years as the only child, the sole focus of your attention, and now he has an annoying younger child following him around. He doesn't know how to deal with it.

To a certain extent, this is normal "brother" behavior. I have 2 boys, 8 and 5, and they bicker constantly. It's just a normal part of having a sibling, which means having to share attention, toys, etc.

I would plan some time to take the boys somewhere (a park, indoor playground, pool, etc) and let them be. Let them figure it out. Try not to jump in and interfere every minute unless your son is truly hurting the younger one. They both need to figure out their relationship with each other.

If your son does something nice for the little one, praise him big time for it.


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## MeinKC (Jul 1, 2013)

justonelife said:


> Are there any other kids in the picture with your ex that your son has to deal with?
> 
> It sounds like the boys need to spend more time together. Your son has spent almost 8 years as the only child, the sole focus of your attention, and now he has an annoying younger child following him around. He doesn't know how to deal with it.
> 
> ...


No, there aren't any other kids, my ex and I just have the one and my girlfriend only has one. 

I really like your advice about letting the kids get together and working it out. Unfortunately, my girlfriend does not share this view. Anytime our boys are together and they exhibit normal 'boy behavior', she gets offended and runs to the defense of her son. She will not allow him to fend for himself. And when they do act like boys she says that is unacceptable behavior and they need to always be kind and respectful of each other because that's how her and her sister were raised. I agree with that to an extent...but they are boys, they're going to fight and bicker! In my opinion, that's what will help build and solidify their relationship, being able to work through conflict on their own. Much like an adult couple. 

Thank you for your advice!


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## MeinKC (Jul 1, 2013)

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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Before throwing in the towel, why don't you and GF try family counseling for blended families? It doesn't sound like a real problem between the boys....it sounds like a real problem between the grown ups. 

Plus, a couple hours every couple weeks isn't really time enough for relationship building. To a seven year old....who cares? It's just that kid who comes over once in awhile. I think there needs to be MORE quality time.... family time like dinner or game nite... something where you all interact as a "family". Kind of like practice for the next step. 

But most importantly you and GF have to be on the same page when it comes to child rearing practices, or I don't see how it can work long term.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Get your butts to counseling before you just uproot the kids again. A professional who deals with blended families can teach you BOTH a lot. And will show her that boys are NOT like girls and WILL be rough and tumble and that she's doing her son a disservice to ignore it.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I agree. You guys need to find a way to solve the issues. Plus you are setting a good example for problem solving instead of showing them that relationships are expendable when the going gets tough.

It often takes birth siblings a while to accept a younger one - they are no longer the baby or the only child. Don't expect that to happen right away. Also, siblings will usually be very different. Even if you had another child with someone else, odds are the child's temperament will be very different than your first. Different doesn't mean wrong - they just have different needs, mature at different rates, have different personalities, respond differently to social situations...

As the adults you two need to figure it out. Good relationships are hard to come by. You and your GF get along great - why let a little discord between the kids screw that up? Because 5 years from now things will likely be very different in a positive way.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would also do some reading about how women parent differently than men. Learn why she rushes to defend her son, how women can overindulge (and create scared boys who don't know how to defend themselves because of the female influence). If you learn more about it from professional sources, you could share it with her and she may listen.


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