# Being a Mindful, Supportive Wife



## Kitt (Jun 3, 2015)

I have been married for twenty one years. We were so young when we got married, but we have been successful in our lives together. One of the things I am working on now is being more mindful of how I treat him in the everyday. One of the first things we learned as a young couple was that you don't wait until someone feels neglected or ignored before improving. Our willingness to discuss with love and compassion and to stop negativity in the beginning has been instrumental in making our marriage strong. I'm learning how to be even more mindful in everyday interactions. My husband works a very high stressed job as an Engineer and I am trying to be more supportive. I seem to do well for a bit, but I admit I react on his frustration by getting angry at people at his work.....I have a bit of a temper. :grin2:
So, I guess my question is how do you show support for your husband's work without being reactionary. I know it stems from me loving him so very much and wanting to control how people treat him which is setting myself up for failure and is not helpful to him. He needs my support, not my temper at his coworkers. Ugh! What are some ways I can be supportive without being reactive? I'm trying to be more mindful of how I react to his work stories....and I admit to not being helpful with my anger at his coworkers. All suggestions welcome!


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Kitt said:


> I have been married for twenty one years. We were so young when we got married, but we have been successful in our lives together. One of the things I am working on now is being more mindful of how I treat him in the everyday. One of the first things we learned as a young couple was that you don't wait until someone feels neglected or ignored before improving. Our willingness to discuss with love and compassion and to stop negativity in the beginning has been instrumental in making our marriage strong. I'm learning how to be even more mindful in everyday interactions. My husband works a very high stressed job as an Engineer and I am trying to be more supportive. I seem to do well for a bit, but I admit I react on his frustration by getting angry at people at his work.....I have a bit of a temper. :grin2:
> So, I guess my question is how do you show support for your husband's work without being reactionary. I know it stems from me loving him so very much and wanting to control how people treat him which is setting myself up for failure and is not helpful to him. He needs my support, not my temper at his coworkers. Ugh! What are some ways I can be supportive without being reactive? I'm trying to be more mindful of how I react to his work stories....and I admit to not being helpful with my anger at his coworkers. All suggestions welcome!


I don't know the answer to your questions, but just wanted to say I'm reactive, too, and it's something I work hard on with the help of my counselor, my mom and sis, and prayer! 

Welcome to TAM.....just noticed you today, and you seem like a very nice lady to have around here .


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## Kitt (Jun 3, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I don't know the answer to your questions, but just wanted to say I'm reactive, too, and it's something I work hard on with the help of my counselor, my mom and sis, and prayer!
> 
> Welcome to TAM.....just noticed you today, and you seem like a very nice lady to have around here .


Thank you for the warm welcome. Hey, sharing your reactive tendencies is helpful. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just overthinking things. I have a tendency to do that.


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## arabian (Jun 3, 2015)

Well, you can be supportive by not poking your nose in his work business for starters. I mean getting mad / micromanaging at your husband is one thing, extending it to his work environment means you are crossing the line big time.

Do you not work then, and how about you expend some of that temper into your work? One thing that really irks me, is when I hear mostly women trying to live off the laurels of their husbands e.g. my husband the surgeon, engineer, military brass, etc. My response is usually...but that is your husband, what is it that you do????? You can guess the reaction at this point :x

It's possible to be supportive, without being a Ghengis Khan, and mindful by just treating people the way you expect to be treated.

2c worth



Kitt said:


> I have been married for twenty one years. We were so young when we got married, but we have been successful in our lives together. One of the things I am working on now is being more mindful of how I treat him in the everyday. One of the first things we learned as a young couple was that you don't wait until someone feels neglected or ignored before improving. Our willingness to discuss with love and compassion and to stop negativity in the beginning has been instrumental in making our marriage strong. I'm learning how to be even more mindful in everyday interactions. My husband works a very high stressed job as an Engineer and I am trying to be more supportive. I seem to do well for a bit, but I admit I react on his frustration by getting angry at people at his work.....*I have a bit of a temper. :grin2:
> So, I guess my question is how do you show support for your husband's work without being reactionary. I know it stems from me loving him so very much and wanting to control how people treat him which is setting myself up for failure and is not helpful to him. He needs my support, not my temper at his coworkers. *Ugh! What are some ways I can be supportive without being reactive? I'm trying to be more mindful of how I react to his work stories....and I admit to not being helpful with my anger at his coworkers. All suggestions welcome!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Mrs. Conan has the same issues. I can comment more soon. Right now I have to bench press a Buick. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

Kitt said:


> I have been married for twenty one years. We were so young when we got married, but we have been successful in our lives together. One of the things I am working on now is being more mindful of how I treat him in the everyday. One of the first things we learned as a young couple was that you don't wait until someone feels neglected or ignored before improving. Our willingness to discuss with love and compassion and to stop negativity in the beginning has been instrumental in making our marriage strong. I'm learning how to be even more mindful in everyday interactions. My husband works a very high stressed job as an Engineer and I am trying to be more supportive. I seem to do well for a bit, but I admit I react on his frustration by getting angry at people at his work.....I have a bit of a temper. :grin2:
> So, I guess my question is how do you show support for your husband's work without being reactionary. I know it stems from me loving him so very much and wanting to control how people treat him which is setting myself up for failure and is not helpful to him. He needs my support, not my temper at his coworkers. Ugh! What are some ways I can be supportive without being reactive? I'm trying to be more mindful of how I react to his work stories....and I admit to not being helpful with my anger at his coworkers. All suggestions welcome!


Sounds like you're off to a great start by trying to improve your reactions and continuing to be a mindful spouse. I feel I may have failed in this area in my marriage already.

However, that's something for another discussion; Back to you!

I think you may be suffering from an age-old male problem of trying to "fix" the problem. It's hard to say without any specifics, but maybe just listening and trying to be supportive and perhaps making comments/suggestions without getting angry would be a good idea.

For instance. If he talks about a situation at work, and it's something that you find upsetting: don't react in the way that you feel. FIRST, ask him how he feels about it or try to gauge how he feels by the way he talks about it. Then, react, based on his feelings. In other words, try to show Empathy towards his situation, based on how he feels about.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Also trust that he knows more about the situation than you do. Offering suggestions is fine, but try not to tell him how is is wrong and you are right if he disagrees with your assessment.

Recently, due to organizational changes, I was faced with a choice of taking a 22% pay cut, or losing my job. I took the pay cut since even after the cut, I would still be paid significantly better than similar job in my area. My wife was not mad at me, but was livid with my employer. She was very upset at how something like this could happen after I had been working there for over 15 years. She kept going on about how they don't respect me, they don't value me, how could they do something like that, how unfair it is. While I knew she wasn't mad at me, it was still very difficult to shield myself from her outrage and not let it affect me in a way that would affect my ability to do my job, because after all, I still had to go to work. She also has no experience working in corporate america, where this is just business as usual.


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## Kitt (Jun 3, 2015)

arabian said:


> Well, you can be supportive by not poking your nose in his work business for starters. I mean getting mad / micromanaging at your husband is one thing, extending it to his work environment means you are crossing the line big time.
> 
> Do you not work then, and how about you expend some of that temper into your work? One thing that really irks me, is when I hear mostly women trying to live off the laurels of their husbands e.g. my husband the surgeon, engineer, military brass, etc. My response is usually...but that is your husband, what is it that you do????? You can guess the reaction at this point :x
> 
> ...


Wow, I wouldn't even pay a penny for that vitriolic reply. He shares with me his day.....I want to fix it. I'm aware of my shortcomings...that is why I asked. Btw...I'm an award winning, well compensated political journalist/novelist/photographer. Take your anger out on someone else....I'm trying to improve my reaction and you act like I killed my spouse. :grin2:


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## Kitt (Jun 3, 2015)

JukeboxHero said:


> Sounds like you're off to a great start by trying to improve your reactions and continuing to be a mindful spouse. I feel I may have failed in this area in my marriage already.
> 
> However, that's something for another discussion; Back to you!
> 
> ...


Good advice...thank you. Being more mindful....I'm trying to incorporate compassion and I'm successful most of the time. However, I do want to fix the situation and so I feel my dander rise. I do listen and am understanding....most of my conflict is internal and is directed at his coworkers who are ineffectual and polarizing. He also admits he is the same way when I have to deal with crazy people in my profession. We talk about it and he is way more understanding of my reactions than I am of my own. He is a fixer too so he gets it.  I like what you wrote about empathy. I will keep that in mind.


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## Kitt (Jun 3, 2015)

samyeagar said:


> Also trust that he knows more about the situation than you do. Offering suggestions is fine, but try not to tell him how is is wrong and you are right if he disagrees with your assessment.
> 
> Recently, due to organizational changes, I was faced with a choice of taking a 22% pay cut, or losing my job. I took the pay cut since even after the cut, I would still be paid significantly better than similar job in my area. My wife was not mad at me, but was livid with my employer. She was very upset at how something like this could happen after I had been working there for over 15 years. She kept going on about how they don't respect me, they don't value me, how could they do something like that, how unfair it is. While I knew she wasn't mad at me, it was still very difficult to shield myself from her outrage and not let it affect me in a way that would affect my ability to do my job, because after all, I still had to go to work. She also has no experience working in corporate america, where this is just business as usual.


Your Personal anecdote is actually very useful. I work in a different type of job than my husband so it is very easy for me to have little to no interaction with the same people everyday. My lack of knowledge in this area is probably what makes me upset for him. I hear you about not being mad at him but he still has to hear my ranting.....very useful. Thanks. This helps a whole lot.


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## Kitt (Jun 3, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> Mrs. Conan has the same issues. I can comment more soon. Right now I have to bench press a Buick.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh, no, am I in trouble? :grin2:

I don't know what bench pressing a Buick is a euphemism for...I hope I'm not in the dog house! If you are really bench pressing a Buick....I'm impressed and concerned for your back.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Kitt said:


> Oh, no, am I in trouble? :grin2:
> 
> I don't know what bench pressing a Buick is a euphemism for...I hope I'm not in the dog house! If you are really bench pressing a Buick....I'm impressed and concerned for your back.


Haha! I didn't get it either . Maybe Conan's just working out?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Kitt said:


> Oh, no, am I in trouble? :grin2:
> 
> I don't know what bench pressing a Buick is a euphemism for...I hope I'm not in the dog house! If you are really bench pressing a Buick....I'm impressed and concerned for your back.


I am actually working out. So not much time in between sets.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

My job is pretty stressful, too (especially here lately, it seems), but I hate to come home and gripe to my wife about it. She has her own stressors, and I don't want to add to them.

Probably the most supportive thing she does is to give me maybe a half-hour to unwind when I get home before bringing up any problems that I need to deal with. It's awful to come home after a full day of dealing with other people's problems only to be greeted at the door with yet another set of problems.

Sex helps, too.


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## Kitt (Jun 3, 2015)

GTdad said:


> My job is pretty stressful, too (especially here lately, it seems), but I hate to come home and gripe to my wife about it. She has her own stressors, and I don't want to add to them.
> 
> Probably the most supportive thing she does is to give me maybe a half-hour to unwind when I get home before bringing up any problems that I need to deal with. It's awful to come home after a full day of dealing with other people's problems only to be greeted at the door with yet another set of problems.
> 
> Sex helps, too.


I completely agree with you on this, GT. We both work full time so this isn't an issue. I'm usually the last to get in the door. Unwinding is super important but we are a low stress couple, no kids and minimal drama...usually from external family members. He occasionally unloads on me and that is ok....I just wish I didn't get so emotionally wound up by his ineffectual, lazy co-workers. I get mad at them...I usually say some unkind stuff and though he knows it isn't about him....I'm sure it isn't attractive or helpful in any way. 

Hey, sex is a part of my spiritual and exercise regime. :grin2:


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Kitt said:


> So, I guess my question is how do you show support for your husband's work without being reactionary. I know it stems from me loving him so very much and wanting to control how people treat him which is setting myself up for failure and is not helpful to him. He needs my support, not my temper at his coworkers. Ugh! What are some ways I can be supportive without being reactive? I'm trying to be more mindful of how I react to his work stories....and I admit to not being helpful with my anger at his coworkers. All suggestions welcome!


My wife is a writer and therefore works from home. She understands I have a very stressful job and deal with issues every day.

What she does for me, that I appreciate, is creates a home away from work. She will listen, she will empathize, but I still need to take the garbage to the curb and that puts everything into perspective, ie, my true life is right here with her and not at work. 

Work will take care of itself and I'm a big boy who can deal with issues there. Knowing she loves me and provides a loving home is more than all the support I need.


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## Somanylemons (May 2, 2015)

I think you have to cut your cloth to suit your partner's needs.

Some people don't want to talk about their work problems and just want to leave it at the office. 

My husband likes me to be a sounding board and we quiet often talk through issues together. It's probably a little different for us though because he is self employed, so I suppose he doesn't have anyone else to talk to about it!


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## arabian (Jun 3, 2015)

I thought this was a given i.e. don't take work home with you, as there is enough crap to deal with at home already usually. Imagine a front line cop / soldier / coroner / politician coming home and discussing what transpired during a typical day.

I mean I know what they do for work, but do I really want to be hearing it on a daily basis if am a wife / husband who has my own career going for me????

What about spouses that work at the same place...is it wise to come home and discuss the obvious?



Somanylemons said:


> I think you have to cut your cloth to suit your partner's needs.
> 
> *Some people don't want to talk about their work problems and just want to leave it at the office. *
> 
> My husband likes me to be a sounding board and we quiet often talk through issues together. It's probably a little different for us though because he is self employed, so I suppose he doesn't have anyone else to talk to about it!


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Maybe this is just cause of the lens I have seen through but I think so Long as you establish you aren't mad at him but his work he should take it as a compliment. I mean seriously .....to see a woman that upset over something happening to me would be awesome. I would know she really cared.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> Maybe this is just cause of the lens I have seen through but I think so Long as you establish you aren't mad at him but his work he should take it as a compliment. I mean seriously .....to see a woman that upset over something happening to me would be awesome. I would know she really cared.


There is a fine line with this though. My wife has a flash temper, and has a tendency to be pretty brutal when it flares. With her, and I suspect with Kitt, it's not a calm, rational commiseration. The things she says and points out are not new revelations to me, I am already processing them on my own, and then I have an upset wife, and I feel bad about her being upset, and while I know that the situation at work is not something I can fix, I still want to, not necessarily for me, because I can handle it, rather because I don't want my wife so upset...so rather than having a supportive wife, I am having to support both of us.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> There is a fine line with this though. My wife has a flash temper, and has a tendency to be pretty brutal when it flares. With her, and I suspect with Kitt, it's not a calm, rational commiseration. The things she says and points out are not new revelations to me, I am already processing them on my own, and then I have an upset wife, and I feel bad about her being upset, and while I know that the situation at work is not something I can fix, I still want to, not necessarily for me, because I can handle it, rather because I don't want my wife so upset...so rather than having a supportive wife, I am having to support both of us.


Use active listening.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

jld said:


> Use active listening.


I actually laughed out loud when I saw this, because it is so classic jld  I mean that in the nicest possible way.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> I actually laughed out loud when I saw this, because it is so classic jld  I mean that in the nicest possible way.


Thanks.  

Now try it!


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> There is a fine line with this though. My wife has a flash temper, and has a tendency to be pretty brutal when it flares. With her, and I suspect with Kitt, it's not a calm, rational commiseration. The things she says and points out are not new revelations to me, I am already processing them on my own, and then I have an upset wife, and I feel bad about her being upset, and while I know that the situation at work is not something I can fix, I still want to, not necessarily for me, because I can handle it, rather because I don't want my wife so upset...so rather than having a supportive wife, I am having to support both of us.


Fair enough but the flip side is when your spouse doesn't care at all about your job, career, or what is going on with you at work. I guess I would just like to see some interest in what I do from a significant other. I can see how the extreme would be a lot through


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## Kitt (Jun 3, 2015)

samyeagar said:


> There is a fine line with this though. My wife has a flash temper, and has a tendency to be pretty brutal when it flares. With her, and I suspect with Kitt, it's not a calm, rational commiseration. The things she says and points out are not new revelations to me, I am already processing them on my own, and then I have an upset wife, and I feel bad about her being upset, and while I know that the situation at work is not something I can fix, I still want to, not necessarily for me, because I can handle it, rather because I don't want my wife so upset...so rather than having a supportive wife, I am having to support both of us.


This is what I thought about it too....and why it really bothered me that I was reacting in a flash temper kind of way....though we had a conversation about it last night after supper and he says he likes that I am this way. I got a couple of beers, sat on the porch and we talked about it. I admitted to feeling like I'm not supportive in quite the right way since I seem to feel so much disgust with his work colleagues. He says he is glad I'm real with him as we've always been real with each other and that my reactions make him feel validated for his opinions on the matter. 
It really helped to talk about it here because it gave me a lot of food for thought on how to approach it. We ended up having a great conversation about our future together and our retirement....travel....my second career as a novelist....why he would rather I spend more time at home and less traveling for my job. It was a good talk. 

Then I thought about my reactions which seemed to bother me more than him. I guess it reminded me of a time in my career when I was working for a specific journal and had a really bad boss. Maybe his stories triggered something in me to remember this person's bad behavior. Then it hit me that I was probably feeling some residual stuff from that situation and that I need to just let it go and not project it onto my husband's situation. Aha! I'm slow but I get there eventually.......

Thanks to everyone who joined this conversation. I like having a sounding board. I really liked having other people telling me their thoughts on the matter.


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## Kitt (Jun 3, 2015)

arabian said:


> I thought this was a given i.e. don't take work home with you, as there is enough crap to deal with at home already usually. Imagine a front line cop / soldier / coroner / politician coming home and discussing what transpired during a typical day.
> 
> I mean I know what they do for work, but do I really want to be hearing it on a daily basis if am a wife / husband who has my own career going for me????
> 
> What about spouses that work at the same place...is it wise to come home and discuss the obvious?


Thanks for your helpful input. I see your POV and I think it is valid. I worked for a while as a crime reporter when I was in my twenties....and honestly my husband couldn't listen to my stories....I had to walk from that type of reporting because I'm a pretty Zen person, aside from that tiny temper, and it was messing with my work/home balance. I found it infinitely interesting but it just wasn't something I could bring home and since my husband and I share everything, it felt kind of hollow to have a job we couldn't talk about. Some spouses like to share and some don't. We do like to share our work stories. It is a part of his life and I am very interested in what he does....I find his job fascinating as he does mine. I guess that is something people have to talk about early in their relationships because I know couples who have no interest in expending any energy on the others' life. :surprise:


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## arabian (Jun 3, 2015)

Personally...I'll never sign up for the "extreme" part of it, and will strive harder to put a stop to the behaviour before it flares up. My ex knew what I did vaguely, but couldn't expand on it. I found myself at times when trying to talk about a certain day, talking to a wall.

Isn't it funny how when most women that exhibit this nasty trait don't do this BS when dating, but once the deal is sealed, the dragon is unleashed?

I'll never succumb to a temper from a partner, some guys might because they are desperate for sex and someone to cook for them, or fear their kids will be taken away....




Wolf1974 said:


> Fair enough but the flip side is when your spouse doesn't care at all about your job, career, or what is going on with you at work. I guess I would just like to see some interest in what I do from a significant other. I can see how the extreme would be a lot through


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Kitt said:


> Thanks for your helpful input. I see your POV and I think it is valid. I worked for a while as a crime reporter when I was in my twenties....and honestly my husband couldn't listen to my stories....I had to walk from that type of reporting because I'm a pretty Zen person, aside from that tiny temper, and it was messing with my work/home balance. I found it infinitely interesting but it just wasn't something I could bring home and since my husband and I share everything, it felt kind of hollow to have a job we couldn't talk about. Some spouses like to share and some don't. We do like to share our work stories. It is a part of his life and I am very interested in what he does....I find his job fascinating as he does mine. I guess that is something people have to talk about early in their relationships because I know couples who have no interest in expending any energy on the others' life. :surprise:


My wife and I share and take active interest in each others lives, including work. I do make an effort to not get too bogged down with the negatives though. I don't want to be that husband who does nothing but gripe and complain, because no matter how strong and supportive a spouse is, too much negativity will bring things down. Part of that is simply my nature. I am very good at identifying and letting go of things that I have no control over, and focus on the things I do.


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## Kitt (Jun 3, 2015)

thatbpguy said:


> My wife is a writer and therefore works from home. She understands I have a very stressful job and deal with issues every day.
> 
> What she does for me, that I appreciate, is creates a home away from work. She will listen, she will empathize, but I still need to take the garbage to the curb and that puts everything into perspective, ie, my true life is right here with her and not at work.
> 
> Work will take care of itself and I'm a big boy who can deal with issues there. Knowing she loves me and provides a loving home is more than all the support I need.


Thanks...you sound like my husband in that he loves that I make our house a home. Yes, I get this...we both make home a safe space, a haven, and have pretty traditional roles regardless of both of us being professionals. He is completely hands on assisting and helping but I MAKE the home and love to cook so I feel I am still a homemaker. (Which seems odd since I work way more than he does.) We kind of let go of expectations and "shoulds" and just worked out our own thing. It has always been my choice and I like to nest. I grew up in a very unhappy home and want my home to be serene so I am all about making it feel homey. :grin2: He is a fixer and handy so I'm always following him around with lemonade or beer and chatting.....he is a good listener @jld.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

arabian said:


> Personally...I'll never sign up for the "extreme" part of it, and will strive harder to put a stop to the behaviour before it flares up. My ex knew what I did vaguely, but couldn't expand on it. I found myself at times when trying to talk about a certain day, talking to a wall.
> 
> Isn't it funny how when most women that exhibit this nasty trait don't do this BS when dating, but once the deal is sealed, the dragon is unleashed?
> 
> *I'll never succumb to a temper from a partner, some guys might because they are desperate for sex and someone to cook for them, or fear their kids will be taken away*....


My wife has a temper, but I'm far from sexually desperate, I do almost all of the cooking because I'm damned good at it, and we don't have any kids together. Just sayin'


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## Kitt (Jun 3, 2015)

samyeagar said:


> My wife and I share and take active interest in each others lives, including work. I do make an effort to not get too bogged down with the negatives though. I don't want to be that husband who does nothing but gripe and complain, because no matter how strong and supportive a spouse is, too much negativity will bring things down. Part of that is simply my nature. I am very good at identifying and letting go of things that I have no control over, and focus on the things I do.


That is honestly a great gift to have....letting go of things you have no control over. It is part of what I think bothered me about how I reacted to his stories about his co-workers......I reacted negatively and couldn't change it so I felt helpless though he is a very capable and strong man. (I'm very protective of him though I'm tiny...it is a joke with us that if anything happens he will just grab a beer and let me go at it.)
You are right....focusing on the things we can work on or change, which never implies other people, is something I need to work on. Yes, I also think you are right on that the negativity isn't useful if not balanced with positivity and supportive love. Thankfully, my husband seems to pull back to normal very quickly after griping for a little bit. He doesn't dwell. He is very compartmentalized. Thanks for your thoughts...you seem to be very cognizant of work/home balance. Your thoughts have helped me immensely.


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## Kitt (Jun 3, 2015)

Wolf1974 said:


> Maybe this is just cause of the lens I have seen through but I think so Long as you establish you aren't mad at him but his work he should take it as a compliment. I mean seriously .....to see a woman that upset over something happening to me would be awesome. I would know she really cared.


This is ultimately how my husband saw it too...thanks so much for your feedback. I do need to watch my reactions though for my own balance....but he sees it as me being concerned and loving him. I also think he gets a bit amused by my fiery self sometimes as he is more laid back. He likes my fire.


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## Kitt (Jun 3, 2015)

arabian said:


> Personally...I'll never sign up for the "extreme" part of it, and will strive harder to put a stop to the behaviour before it flares up. My ex knew what I did vaguely, but couldn't expand on it. I found myself at times when trying to talk about a certain day, talking to a wall.
> 
> Isn't it funny how when most women that exhibit this nasty trait don't do this BS when dating, but once the deal is sealed, the dragon is unleashed?
> 
> I'll never succumb to a temper from a partner, some guys might because they are desperate for sex and someone to cook for them, or fear their kids will be taken away....


Sorry you had such a bad experience with your ex. I'm sure I don't need to tell you that not all women are like your ex. What you describe is not who I am as a person.  I don't think having a bad temper or using blackmail/extortion is really conducive to marriage either. We completely agree on that. 

I'm not temperamental by nature.....this was my reaction to something specific which is why I wanted to correct it and I assure you it was more an internal struggle of feeling helpless and mad than taking it out on my husband. I'm fiery but in a more playful way most of the time. I actively care for the feelings of my spouse. I adore him. 
My husband knew exactly what he was getting when we decided to marry.....fiery little professional geek :nerd: who never wanted kids. He not only embraced me as I am, but it is clear he enjoys me. We are very kind to each other. We have been lovers and best friends for a long time. There is always room to improve though, don't you agree?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Back. The Buick was too heavy! LOL!

One thing that helps me is when Mrs. Conan knows I'm having a hard day or week and just does a little extra in the way of smiles and kisses .

When she gets mad, not at me but my job, she attacks everything about it and wants me to do something else.

It isn't feasible yet to change careers.

I sometimes feel like Rocky, trying to train for a big fight and Adrian keeps telling me that I can't win.

It saps my will and makes it harder for me to go kick some ass in my field.

She has learned to let me leave work at work and focus on our life outside of career land.

She does care tremendously and I can tell you do to.

We do talk occasionally about what I am doing but we have to be careful to avoid letting work take over our thoughts for too long.

We try and focus more on projects that we do together.

We do part time ministry, marriage and family counseling, helping underprivileged kids, special Olympics, etc....

We would like to do ministry full time but that is a ways off.

I am probably blabbing. Best wishes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kitt (Jun 3, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> Back. The Buick was too heavy! LOL!
> 
> One thing that helps me is when Mrs. Conan knows I'm having a hard day or week and just does a little extra in the way of smiles and kisses .
> 
> ...


Hey there, glad you came back. Glad your workout was successful and your back is still intact. Wow, you and your wife do so much good....I'm feeling a bit like a miserly myopic lazy bum right now.....:grin2:

Several great points you made....one I felt a twinge of regret over......

Ok, so one of the problems with my concern about my husband's job is that he doesn't love it.....it is one of the least favorite jobs and places he has ever worked. I admit to actively trying to get him to find another....because I want him to be happy. However, I can see where that might become stressful to him so thank you for mentioning that. I regret that I didn't just let him share without trying to find him another job. I'm freelance now so I can work anywhere so I don't care if we move a thousand times. My home is him...
Yet, I can definitely see where that would get very stressful for him (and you.) I think I may attack aspects of it from time to time too. Not really helpful. (Need to speak to him about how that makes him feel.)
I am a fixer...he is the much better listener....I am easy going to an extent but most of the time he is really Dalai Lama calm so sometimes it is hard to gauge how he is feeling. 
Good stuff here...thank you!


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Kitt said:


> Hey there, glad you came back. Glad your workout was successful and your back is still intact. Wow, you and your wife do so much good....I'm feeling a bit like a miserly myopic lazy bum right now.....:grin2:
> 
> Several great points you made....one I felt a twinge of regret over......
> 
> ...


That's me to a tee. It's one of the things that my wife finds so incredibly attractive about me...how I can be totally calm, cool, and collected, with the patience of a saint with a complete sh1t storm going on around us...it's also one of the things she finds most infuriating about me as well


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## Kitt (Jun 3, 2015)

samyeagar said:


> That's me to a tee. It's one of the things that my wife finds so incredibly attractive about me...how I can be totally calm, cool, and collected, with the patience of a saint with a complete sh1t storm going on around us...it's also one of the things she finds most infuriating about me as well


Yep! :iagree:


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## arabian (Jun 3, 2015)

I'll take your words for it. As long as your husband is OK with some craziness, that is all that matters...we completely agree on that, right? 



Kitt said:


> Sorry you had such a bad experience with your ex. I'm sure I don't need to tell you that not all women are like your ex. What you describe is not who I am as a person.  I don't think having a bad temper or using blackmail/extortion is really conducive to marriage either. We completely agree on that.
> 
> I'm not temperamental by nature.....this was my reaction to something specific which is why I wanted to correct it and I assure you it was more an internal struggle of feeling helpless and mad than taking it out on my husband. *I'm fiery but in a more playful way most of the time. I actively care for the feelings of my spouse. I adore him. *
> My husband knew exactly what he was getting when we decided to marry.....fiery little professional geek :nerd: who never wanted kids. He not only embraced me as I am, but it is clear he enjoys me. We are very kind to each other. We have been lovers and best friends for a long time. There is always room to improve though, don't you agree?


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## Kitt (Jun 3, 2015)

arabian said:


> I'll take your words for it. As long as your husband is OK with some craziness, that is all that matters...we completely agree on that, right?


I think you and I define fiery differently....more passionate and less whackadoodle or "crazy" :grin2: Yes, he likes passionate me....


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Kitt said:


> My husband works a very high stressed job as an Engineer and I am trying to be more supportive. I seem to do well for a bit, but I admit I react on his frustration by getting angry at people at his work.....I have a bit of a temper. :grin2:
> 
> So, I guess my question is how do you show support for your husband's work without being reactionary. I know it stems from me loving him so very much and wanting to control how people treat him which is setting myself up for failure and is not helpful to him. He needs my support, not my temper at his coworkers. Ugh! *What are some ways I can be supportive without being reactive? *I'm trying to be more mindful of how I react to his work stories....and I admit to not being helpful with my anger at his coworkers. All suggestions welcome!


My 1st thought is.. Just making your HOME a place of comfort and refuge..this is the One place he can go.. to get away from it all & revived for another day....

Above all... you want to create this atmosphere as much as you can.. as it sounds he is carrying a heavy load right now... 

I think it's very healthy for couples to talk about their day.. to keep each other informed.. if they can handle it.. if the talking doesn't lead to more Stress.. Some men may want to come home to a quiet cave for a time.. I don't know.. every couple is different.. asking him how You can best support him is a good start.. 



> *Kitt said*: Ok, so one of the problems with my concern about my husband's job is that he doesn't love it...*..it is one of the least favorite jobs and places he has ever worked. I admit to actively trying to get him to find another....because I want him to be happy.* However, I can see where that might become stressful to him so thank you for mentioning that. I regret that I didn't just let him share without trying to find him another job. I'm freelance now so I can work anywhere so I don't care if we move a thousand times. My home is him...


 Looking for Job prospects in your spare time... this could save on the stress... then presenting them to him, when it's a good fit.... the Job my H has now.. I set out seeking better jobs... I told him where the interview was.. bla bla.. he got in.. I would think when an opportunity arises , he may be open to new prospects..



Wolf1974 said:


> Fair enough but the flip side is when your spouse doesn't care at all about your job, career, or what is going on with you at work. I guess I would just like to see some interest in what I do from a significant other. I can see how the extreme would be a lot through


Mine appreciates me asking about his day.. He always offers anything Juicy , Funny, the Bad .....he sometimes tells me what he read on the urinal wall :rofl: ...

He's generally up beat & in a good mood when he gets home..so when I don't feel that ...I know immediately it wasn't one of is better days....he's just not smiling as much -at 1st.... I ask about it.... I know he appreciates this.. 

There were a few times though...he was PRETTY HOT over something that happened at work... he always starts the conversation out real calm.. then as he gets going, the emotions rise...he'll start swearing like a truck driver .. one of his lines is ....some of them are as worthless as "t**s on a bull"...sometimes I can't help but laugh even the way he goes on....I want him to Unleash.. I feel he needs that.. 

What I generally do is.. (since I have a good handle of the characters there since he shares about them)....I remind him of WHO he is dealing with, I may crack some lines about them- "remember when " bringing some perspective back.... I mean if none of this affects his Job, his position.... it's a smaller matter...

It's not like HE is the only one they treat like this....sometimes the Boss is pushing unreasonably (not thinking of safety) , it gets them all fired up ... and if they don't do their Job correctly , the company could be on the nightly news..and their butt on the line... so it's still a big deal. That is where his stress is.


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## Kitt (Jun 3, 2015)

SimplyAmorous said:


> My 1st thought is.. Just making your HOME a place of comfort and refuge..this is the One place he can go.. to get away from it all & revived for another day....
> 
> Above all... you want to create this atmosphere as much as you can.. as it sounds he is carrying a heavy load right now...
> 
> ...


This is such good feedback...thank you. This should be required reading for concerned wives.
Yes, I like to know about his life. I'm interested and invested in him. Good point about reminding him who they are...the ones who annoy him. Unfortunately, he can't do a very important aspect of his job until they do theirs so he ends up getting pretty frustrated so I understand that. He also doesn't care what anyone thinks of him (except for me) so he has no qualms in releasing on them. It is one of my favorite things about him...he just does not value the opinions of others because he knows he is amazing. 0 I admire him so much.

I will definitely talk about the idea of me finding leads for him job wise...great ideas...thanks for taking the time to give me such support.


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