# Is our counselor going to work?



## Bremik

We have been to 2 sessions with a marriage counselor and plan on a visit this week and 1 next week. The first visit was explaing our problems and a homework of figuring out our love language, some resentments and wishes as well as, a personal history questionaire for each of us. The second visit he talked a little with each of us individually , discussed the homework and then gave us new homework of rewriting our wish list and some work on repeating/listening in discussion exercises. 
My question would be is this normal? We don't really seem to be doing much with the issues. I'm hoping I'm just being really anxious in getting our problems resolved and this is just steps in the process. It just doesn't seem like he has really dived into the issues like I hoped. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
Thanks.


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## marina72

sounds pretty normal to me. Sounds like he's trying to get a base line of information and establish your personality traits, how you argue, get along etc... 

He is probably trying to get to know the two of you on a relationship dealing type level, so that he can root out the problems, and focus on how each of you deals with conflict, happy times, sad times, arguing...etc... You could always ask him at your next session, any concerns you have, he ought to be open to addressing.

I hope it works for you. Don't give up!


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## Blanca

I think it sounds pretty good. In your anxiousness to resolve the problem you probably are overlooking whats at the root of it. I think that's what your counselor is trying to help you both understand.


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## Bremik

Thanks for your posts! It helps just knowing that you guys think this is a normal procession of events. Thanks again.


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## marina72

Keep everyone posted on how it's going! blessings...


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## Bremik

*Report update on "Is our counselor going to work"*

We went to our third session and discussed how we deal with anger and whether we are assertive or agressive with how we deal with things. Then our counselor asked if we had any questions of which we asked a few. After discussing these questions for a minute or two he said I'll see you in 1 1/2 months ?!?
We have never really gone back over our issues other than the first session. I thought we have received good thought provoking handouts and he has discussed these handouts to some degree. But, I thought we would also discuss the problems in more depth than we have. So the question is whether this is an attempt to give us the "tools" through the handouts and for us to fix the problem ourselves working together? We both were in a little shock that he cut us loose and we did discuss the issues more with attempts to use the tools we have been shown. I just don't feel that we are in a safe place yet on the problem and I'm not sure if this is normal counseling. Any thoughts?


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## marina72

well it is odd to me, that he doesn't want to see you back for six weeks. Did you ask him why so long? I would call and chat with him, and tell him your concerns, and also, see if you can't ask another counselor, or therapist, or someone that has been through this process, what is the norm. But, every couple is different, and so maybe this is tailored specifically to you two. 

But still, if you feel nothing is being worked on, after this last session, then it might be time to ask him how it's going to go, and whether you'll ever be able to address the issues that you both are concerned about. 

If he won't be forthcoming with answers, then you can always get a different counselor. That is totally up to you guys. You don't have to stay with this one, if you don't jive with him.

Let us know how it goes if you call and speak to him. Good luck!


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## Blanca

i think its odd that you arent going back for so long. but maybe he has a full schedule. it sounds to me like he is giving you tools, and helping you identify your fighting style. 

Ive had a few therapists, and so has my H. I change whenever i feel i need something more, or the person is not helping. the more opinions you get, the better, in my opinion.


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## Bremik

Here is an update on the counseling. I talked to our counselor and his goals are to give us tools to help understand how we get angry, deal with stress, our love language etc. and use those tools to deal with our problems. He felt that we were communicating well in his office and wanted us to work on things for awhile plus he was being mindful of our financial situation and trying not break us seeing him . I explained that we always have talked well and that things we learned in his office about each other weren't a surprise in fact, we both could guess pretty well how the other would answer various personality questions. I also told him the finances didn't matter when it comes to fixing my wife and I. My problem in all this is I don't feel I have the answers to why we have had the problems that got us to the counselor and I don't feel I'm any closer to getting those answers. In the "Considering separation or divorce" section I posted the "Not sure where I stand" thread and for right or wrong I still strongly feel like I need questions related to that being answered. My wife and I have tried talking about this using our tools but end up going in circles and basically she feels I need to let it go but I feel it's some serious issues that I want specifically resolved. We aren't arguing or anything like that but I would say we are frustrated talking about it and I'm not sure what to do. We left it with the counselor that we would keep trying the new tools and wait until May to see him unless we get on something we can't handle - He did offer to see us sooner because of our conversation but I thought we'd try his way. So what does everyone think?


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## Corpuswife

6 weeks sounds like a huge break in counseling...considering you just started. I'm glad that you took the time to ask your counselor why? Good luck and hope things go smooth.


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