# How Do I find the strength?



## ZoeCat (Nov 20, 2009)

It's been 1 1/2 months since my husband moved out of the house (I posted when it first happened). He left after giving me the "not in love with you" speech. We were together 5 years before getting married in 2000. He says he married me because that was "what he was supposed to do". Yes, we have drifted apart romantically and haven't been truely intimate in a while. We get along great together and always enjoyed each other's company. I've had health/weight/medication problems that have contributed to my lack of interest in sex. In the back of my mind, I knew we weren't living life as a married couple and we were more like roommates, but we didn't talk about it for fear of hurting each other. The time apart has made me realize everything that was going/went wrong. I've made great strides to get healthier (been going to the gym) and better myself (making friends with the girls at work and looking for volunteer opportunities in the community). I know that regardless of what happens with H, I needed to do these things for ME. I've been giving him space to find himself and do the growing he needs to do. I've tried to follow the advice here and be strong around him and not let him see how much this time apart is killing me. 

My heart wants so much to try again. To continue living apart, but to date and re-connect. I feel like such a fool to think that I've been living a comfortable happy (but not without problems) life and he's been miserable and never loved me. I keep going between just letting go completely and wanting so much to try again. If he wasn't happy for our time together and I was, is it selfish of me to ask for a second try? Should I just let go and let him find his happiness? It hurts so much to think that I took so much of his life away from him. Because he was my first boyfriend, first everything, do I just consider this to be the big "First Love" breakup that everyone goes through much earlier in life and consider it a growing experience? I'm so afraid that without giving this a second try, I will always be stuck in "what if" mode and I won't be able to move on and find someone new. 

I'm in a very low place this morning and I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

HI,
Nice to see you working on yourself. Doing it for YOU is key. Not for him. Because as you know, no-one knows what the future will be.
Its also nice you take some responsibility for your half in the marraige but DONT take responsibility for him too. (your comment about taking so much of his life is sweet but too much burden and your loading that on yourself). Each of us has to take responsibility for ourselves.
I guess with respect to him, you could keep showing all your doing (it will take time) and let him know your open and eager to rediscover each other. Overtime, you'll realize foryourself at what point you will move forward. Just dont live in the past and dont look to the future. Just keep taking the steps and actions that make you feel better about yourself.

You have the strength to go all the way because instead of crawling into a hole, you've picked yourself up and are working on it. Just keep going!!!


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

AND "Don't live in the past" means stop beating yourself up for what happened. No one has the manual to lead a "perfect" life, let alone what that even means.

Learn and keep going.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hi,
Just wanted to say that you seem to be doing all the right things for yourself and moving forward nicely.
It's great that you see your part in the marriage breakdown but he is to blame as well, you both let it get to where it was. 
I'm a believer in a least putting your feelings out there, he might not respond the way you want but you will at least have tried, maybe wait a few more weeks and then put it in note or speak in person. 
Maybe you two could have a conversation about how you are feeling after some time apart and see who feels what.
Keep working on yourself so he can see the best you possible, a confident woman is very sexy to a man.
good luck


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## ZoeCat (Nov 20, 2009)

Thank you for the words of encouragement. I try to be stong and remind myself that whatever happens, I need to take steps to form my own personality, my own life. I would love to make room for him to re-join me, but right now, I'm making plans for ME. We really haven't had an honest talk about where we are and where we are going since he moved out. I am going to approach him today and suggest a conversation. Its going to be painful, but we need to get everything out on the table. Please send any positive vibes my way so I can do this.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Sending


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## ZoeCat (Nov 20, 2009)

Husband and I spent the morning together yesterday. I asked him if he was happy being alone. He said yes and that right now, there's really no "us". I needed to hear it, but now I am so lost. I have cried for the past 24 hours. It's strange that I can sleep, but that's only because I close my eyes and picture him beside me. Its waking up that hurts because I have to do everything all over again - without him. I think what hurts is that he's found people to talk to about us. He's been able to tell people everything that he couldn't tell me. I still feel like I was not given an opportunity to be strong and fight for our marriage. I know I shouldn't, but I carry around this guilt of everything I didn't say or do for us and it hurts. I have never been so sad or scared in my entire life.

The only positive is that we aren't fighting and we don't hate each other. (Well, there are some days that I hate him). It hurts that we don't live together, but our friendship is still there. Some days it is painful to see/talk to him, but most times, we still have the same goofy talks and share our jokes like old times. In just this short time apart, we've both grown as individuals and he said he was proud of the changes I've made. I still have to hold on to the thought that our changes and time spent together will lead us back to where we began - in love. Without that hope, I don't know if I can make it through another day.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Zoe,

Your situation with your husband sounds very similar to my situation with my wife - she wants to be divorced from me, but still is friendly and wants to be pals... It sucks to say the least - like I said before must be something in the water here in Florida..

Keep working on yourself and try to make yourself happy - easier said than done I know - but we have to try... we have to let our other halves come to terms with themselves and be happy with themselves before they can be happy with us... and sometimes I question whether they are mature enough to make that determination. We cannot change them, no matter how much we try. We can only control ourselves. So no matter what - do what is good for you FIRST, and worry about him second (again easier said than done).. Hang in there - be strong and post often - we are all here for you...


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## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

cpt_confused said:


> Zoe,
> 
> Your situation with your husband sounds very similar to my situation with my wife - she wants to be divorced from me, but still is friendly and wants to be pals... It sucks to say the least - like I said before must be something in the water here in Florida..


I second that!!


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## ZoeCat (Nov 20, 2009)

Yesterday was definitely the lowest day I've had in a while. I have so many thoughts running through my head. I have so many things I need to say to H, but everything is so jumbled right now. I've gone from "one day at a time" to "one hour at a time".

The girls at work are being great to me and supporting me but I feel so guilty because I never was friendly with them before all of this happened. Its been hard for me to reach out because I don't feel like I deserve them. I guess this is all part of the growing process.

I agree about the Florida water  This COLD weather is not helping my mood any!


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## ZoeCat (Nov 20, 2009)

Yesterday was 2 months to the day that my husband moved out. I am currently spending a long weekend with some girl friends. Husband & I visited this same city many years ago. I am trying so hard to have a good time, but all I can think of are places we visited together or how he would really enjoy seeing the city again. It hurts knowing that we may never travel again and experience new places together. I am still taking everything one day at a time. This was a big step for me - I've never been on a girls weekend. I am trying to let go of him, but I miss him so much. Tomorrow is a full day and I hope I can keep my thoughts of him at bay.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whattodo17 (Jan 12, 2010)

Zoe-I just wanted you to know you are not alone! It is so hard especially when you hear the person you promised to love forever say they don't love you anymore. 

It is wonderful you have a support system and never feel like you don't deserve them!


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

Some days, you simply take it minute by minute. I swear, it will get easier. The moments filled with heavy pain will lessen. Just be easy with yourself and know how you feel is normal.


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## ZoeCat (Nov 20, 2009)

Some days I really need the extra words of encouragement - thanks! I'm going to enjoy myself today - before it's time to go back to reality.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hurtssomuch (Jan 2, 2010)

ZoeCat

I am sorry for what you are going through. I know how you feel. We have similar situations. The only difference is my H told me he still loves me and he is still here for now. He does want to move out but he has no to place to go.

Having him here but him not wanting to be here is very hard. Everyday I can't stop thinking about us.

I am just like you I feel very guilty about my part that caused our marriage to get to this point. I am trying to get over the guilt but it is really hard. I have been working on myself also.

Keep posting so I know what you are feeling and going through so when my H does move out I will know what to expect.

Everyone is here to help each other. There are people who have been through this.

Stay strong and keep doing things for yourself.


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## ZoeCat (Nov 20, 2009)

Its been a long emotional week and I am in a really low place this morning. Just trying to get up and at least go get a coffee to cheer myself up. 

Okay, I made it thru my first "girl's weekend". I had fun, but I had a lot of moments that I thought about H and everything we did together and everything that went wrong. The good still far outweighs the bad and I still can't fully accept that he's gone. When I came home from my trip, he had moved more of his things from the house. I broke down crying. The house was so empty and it was like I'd been shoved back to the beginning and I am starting over with all of my emotions. I am so lost and I'm afraid I will never find my way back to happiness..

My girlfriend at work keeps an eye on me. She keeps me invited to the happy hours and other outings. I went to a function last night with her and some other co-workers. Problem is, even on a good day, I am not social. Mix in thoughts of H and I am completely useless. I stayed and tried to be involved in the conversations, but I was miserable. It was good to be out and be around people on a Friday night, but I just couldn't seem to let go completely. The outing last night and the trip last weekend have put me so far outside of my comfort zone! Even 6 months ago I would never have done those things - so I feel proud that I am taking baby steps. 

Its been 2 months and I still find myself crying every day. Wishing my life were over so I wouldn't have to endure this pain. The thought of even trying to meet someone else just makes me want to hide. At 2 months, should I be much further along? He is moving on with his life - making tons of friends and having fun. I made the comment that I couldn't just turn off 14 years of feelings for him overnight and it would be a long time before I could ever think about a new relationship. I know he has a casual girlfriend - don't really want to know how serious they are. Part of me is waiting for him to see that the grass isn't greener but part of me really does not want to even think about another relationship. What is wrong with me? I don't want to spend my life alone, but all I can think of is "what if I have to go through this kind of pain again?" I know its part of life, but... I'm so confused.


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## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

Hi, Zoe, your situation sounds very similar to mine-my H moved out almost a month ago. And though we get along much better apart than we did together, I'm still not sure what will happen next. I get mixed signals-not sure if a divorce will ever happen, or if we'll eventually get back together.
It sounds as though you're doing everything right-keep taking good care of yourself, and stay busy. I've been trying to do that myself-taking care of the house, working full time, etc.
I wish you all the best.


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## ZoeCat (Nov 20, 2009)

I just have to talk to someone: I just found out husband has a girlfriend. I knew he'd been meeting people, but I had hoped he wouldn't get involved with someone else right away. I am so sad, angry, confused. How can you spend 14 years with someone and not love them? I feel like such an idiot for not seeing how that I was living in a dream and he was unhappy. I feel like I was diagnosed with a terminal illness and no one told me so I could get help and now I am slowly dying inside. I know I made mistakes and so did he. There was a period of several years when he was always sick and I stuck by him. I was very unhappy, but I knew that marriage was through sick and health. He became unhappy and got to walk away. I am left here alone in a house that has nothing but him everywhere I look. He keeps saying I don't understand why he left. I do understand, but that doesn't mean I have to accept it. I feel so stupid so not trying to make changes earlier. He wants to stay in my life, to be friends but, I know once he gets into a serious relationship, I will get pushed aside and all of this will happen again. I can't do this any more.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

ZoeCat:

I am sorry for your loss. I am just going to post a few random things for you to answer your question/thread title:

*The guilt thing*
You seem to be suffering from a massive case of guilt (and some anger too) and massive hurt. All normal. Don't despair. You are going to have to learn to forgive yourself as well as forgive him. It's hard. I am still working through it too.

I think I remember that my stb-x wife is human and in a lot of ways, she couldn't meet me half way on some issues because of how she was raised and who she is. It isn't her fault and it isn't mine. You know what I mean?

Accept your heart was broken by his rejecting you but at the same time, try not to take it personally. I know it's hard to not take it personally but as soon as your self-esteem starts getting restored, as did mine, you start to realize, "Hey, I am not such a bad person. So-and-so flirted with me today. . .I am getting a new job. . ." Whatever. Try not to define all that was and is you by the dissolving marriage.

*The intimacy issue*
Ah yes, intimacy and sex. A favorite topic around here. 

I had a long monologue on this but I erased it because I am not sure if you are ready to talk about that subject right now, with a group of anonymous strangers. It may be too raw as I can tell you are feeling guilt on it. 

But as you work on "you", whenever you are ready, you may want to explore why you were incapable of physical intimacy with your divorcing husband.

It could be an issue of anger, mistrust, power (withholding it), purely medical, or it could be something that you just weren't/aren't wired that way and don't need sex that much.

I have actually been wanting to get the opposite perspective here. . .from someone who is rather asexual, because I can tell you aren't a bad person. Maybe talking about it (eventually) would help both of us.

*Depression*
Complicating this even more, you sound clinically depressed. I am not just saying this as a random forum poster but as a type doctor who deals with depressed patients in pain. You are crying every day and barely functioning.

Whether this depression stemmed from before the relationship break-up or not, I don't know. . .only a trained professional could tell. But certainly if it did, the divorce has exacerbated it.

Get treatment and stabilize your emotional state while you work on healing and growing.

Those are my thoughts.


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## ZoeCat (Nov 20, 2009)

Scannerguard - Thanks for replying. 
I do feel a lot of guilt about the break up. I feel bad because I knew in the back of my mind that things needed to be done but I didn't make any moves until we had the first real talk in October. Even then, I didn't do many things I should have because I didn't want to smother him or make him feel trapped. 

I am still trying to figure out the intimacy issues. I refuse to blame the whole thing on medical issues and I know my lack of confidence played a large part. I had a problem with comparing myself to his prior girl-friends and worrying that I wasn't "good enough". When I put on weight, I was self-conscious and couldn't imagine how he would want anything to do with me. I am a very shy/introverted person and its been hard for me to talk about these issues, but I think this site has been good for me (I have a post in the Sex in Marriage forum).

I have considered the depression issue. I do cry at least once a day and I have some low days. I think yesterday, it was like reality just hit me like a wall. Even with the talk of divorce, it was easy to keep the glimmer of hope that we might re-connect. Now that there's a girlfriend, I feel like the light just went out. I am feeling a little better this morning after having a good cry and sharing my feelings last night. Mornings are always the toughest - it means I have to get up and face another day of not knowing where I am going. But I make myself get up. I go to work everyday and workout at the gym on a regular basis. When I'm home, I try to keep busy. I have been going to a therapist just so I have someone to talk to. I have recently re-connected with an old friend of mine who went through a divorce last year due to H affairs. I know that I should still be seeing a professional, but lunch with my friend is so therapeutic for me. I am trying to expand my life and do new things - volunteer work and maybe start going to church. 

I think what makes everything so hard is never having had a relationship before him means I've never had a break-up. I don't know what I'm supposed to do or how to act. The first month, I tried so hard to be strong around him. When H asked how I was doing - I was fine. Didn't let on that I wasn't doing much outside of work or home. I think that he took that as meaning I was moving on and so could he. Unfortunately, its been harder to pretend and hide my pain when around him.

I'm looking at yesterday as the bottom of the well. I may still slip and fall once in a while, but I am going to try to climb back up to the sun.


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

I am so sorry ZoeCat, I know how you feel. Not sure if you have tried counseling yet, but it really helps. I have been doing it for the last month and it's good to talk to someone that can really listen and help. It's great to have as many friends as you have to talk to also and there is always us on this site. 

It's just natural to cry and be upset in such a tramatic situation, but like scannerguard says it could be a major depression that you should have checked by your doctor. We will be praying for you !


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Zoecat,

Good job - friends are important. I don't beleive you have to medicalize every single event in your life. . .you are suffering massive grief and maybe in a way, you need to feel the pain, not dull it with meds. I just don't like to hear things like, "I don't know if I can go on." and "I am crying every day." (the posts are kind of jumbled so I am not sure if I mixed yours up with another). That's a case where you may need a medicine as well as counseling. . .just as a short term crutch.

I never really had a break-up either so I know what you are going through. . .it's like, "So. . .we are supposed to be friends? Huh? What? Are you insane?"

The confidence issue is probably a good focal point for you. Honestly, just like women, with men, there's nothing more sexy than a confident woman. 

But just at a time when you need confidence, you've had the biggest confidence shatterer of all. .. the mother of all shatterers - your spouse left you and said he didn't love you.

Again, try NOT to personalize it. Him not loving you has nothing to do with you being lovable or being able to love or not. The two are disconnected and unrelated.

Try self-talk in the future of, "Yeah, I may not be a little ballet hottie like his last girlfriend but I sure can. . ." I know us guys have a reputation for being totally superficial and like women, there are some aspects of superficiality to us. . .but we aren't as superficial as you may think. 

When the time comes in the future, you want to be able to be intimate emotionally and physically.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Looking to the future is good. However, first step is to accept the "now". 
You existed before him, with him and you WILL after him. Your losing your identity OR identifying with him, your marriage and now your perceived failures. This is all false/imagined Zoecat.

You are you. Stop delving into the problems and stop focusing on what you dont have or what you perceive as wrong or lacking.
Your probably a great caring person. Whatever happened with H does NOT change that. Find yourself again. 
I forget if your seeing a counselor or not but GET there, make an appointment tomorrow. 
Don't think that someone is going to come make everything better. It's already OK and your going to be totally FINE!!!!!

Tomorrow, we want to hear what your've done to appreciate all you have done, where you are AND what you did to not let this situation define you.


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## ZoeCat (Nov 20, 2009)

Thank you to all for your kind words. I made the big mistake of reading too much into a conversation I had with H on Sunday night. I walked away with a little glimmer of hope. It gave me something to hang onto but by Tuesday, I knew it was not there. I made a big mistake last night and had a complete meltdown in front of him. I threw things and yelled. I felt so mortified that I acted that way and even if I did ever have a chance a reconciliation - I'm sure that 's gone with my psycho behavior. I am hoping I can stay busy at work today to keep my mind off of my situation. Why can't I get over this? Why do I keep trying to pull him back to me when he was never happy with me? I feel like I am constantly taking one step forward and 2 steps back.


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## ZoeCat (Nov 20, 2009)

My husband expressed to me one more time last night that he only married me because that was what he was supposed to do. He hasn't felt in his heart like a husband to me for the 10 years we have been married. I have been running this through my mind all day long. That saddens me because these years together have been the happiest in my life. Maybe they were so happy because I had a best friend that I enjoyed being with and being married was just a side note. Right now, I am missing his company; being able to laugh at silly jokes with him; and just being able to call up and say "how's your day?" After last night, I know our marriage is over. I have to let go of any hope that he will come back to me in the life we were living. That chapter is over. There was a bond between us and although it has changed, I don't want to lose that. I don't want to lose him completely from my life and he feels the same way. Can two people make the transition from husband and wife to friends? 

Well, let the "I told You So" begin since I have done everything I read not to do on this site. Some of us have to learn through our own experiences. But on the positive side: I am hoping to get into therapy again next week. My mother-in-law and I always got along well. I was afraid to talk to her but I took a chance and we had a good conversation this week. She doesn't pry into our business and is staying neutral in this whole situation. It was nice to have a mom to talk to since I can't talk to my own mother. I started a 90day challenge at my gym so maybe I can finally lose the weight I've been wanting to lose. So, I slipped back down into the well again this week, but I am hopeful that I can slowly start climbing again.

Oh yeah, I'm trying to find my social side: Anyone in Florida up for a Super Bowl Party??


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Zoe: It's totally normal to be depressed during this time. Keep moving forward with the things that you like/can do. Working on you is the best and helps to take some focus off of him. 

He's an ass. I can't help but say it as I've heard so many excuses as to why someone gets married or falls out of love. BS.

He didn't speak up. Add that to the big "Talk about Marriage" list of men/women who NEVER speak up. Then there family pays the price. Such cowards.

I understand the grief. Listen to Wren...she comes out the other side. I have come out the other side. 6 months ago we felt like you. It will get better.

Push yourself to reach out to others for help and support. You can do this...


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## ZoeCat (Nov 20, 2009)

Corpuswife: Thanks for responding. I'm going back and reading your prior posts about your situation. I feel like my H is no longer the man I married. Something snapped late last year and maybe this is a midlife crisis. I admit we were both unhappy at one period or another, but for 10 years? My H has always bucked the system and for him to say he did it because he was supposed to?? That just doesn't sit well with me. I know I am over thinking everything, but maybe that's the accountant in me. I have to say that for the first time today, I feel a little better. Maybe its just being able to put my thoughts down on paper (well, on a website ). Maybe a little anger is what I need to feel - it might get me up off my butt tomorrow and do something for me.


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## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

Zoe - you and I are in similar situations however the roles are reversed. It isn't logical that your H was unhappy for 10 yrs just like it's not correct for my W was not happy for 15 years. They are both rewriting the past to justify their behavior. Don't listen to any of it. It's pure BS. I am 4 months into this so I can pull away emotionally from the situation a lot easier than I used to.

Also, I agree with Corpuswife - they need to speak up if they are not happy. Just throwing it all away is COWARDLY. Rather than face the issues and work thru them they decided to take the easy way out - yep, cowards.

Hang in there and it will all work itself out. Just don't go blaming yourself for his selfish actions.


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## ZoeCat (Nov 20, 2009)

Help - I am sorry you are going through a similar situation. I am hoping that at some point, I will stop over-analyzing every aspect of what H is doing. Thanks for providing a safe place for me to vent and share about the re-building of my life.

Thanks to all.


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

ZoeCat said:


> Corpuswife: Thanks for responding. I'm going back and reading your prior posts about your situation. I feel like my H is no longer the man I married. Something snapped late last year and maybe this is a midlife crisis. I admit we were both unhappy at one period or another, but for 10 years? My H has always bucked the system and for him to say he did it because he was supposed to?? That just doesn't sit well with me. I know I am over thinking everything, but maybe that's the accountant in me. I have to say that for the first time today, I feel a little better. Maybe its just being able to put my thoughts down on paper (well, on a website ). Maybe a little anger is what I need to feel - it might get me up off my butt tomorrow and do something for me.


Hey Zoe, thats what my W told me, that she didn't love me for the past 10 years. If it's true she sure did a great job of hiding it. I think she was/is a coward for not telling me 10 years ago if it was true. 

But really I think it's some kind of defense mechanism that allows them to say anything they want and to go back and find all the little problems in the past without ever looking at the good things that happened. I think they rationalize these feelings to justify their actions and convince themselves what they are doing is right. I don't think we will ever know the truth.


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## ZoeCat (Nov 20, 2009)

I do have a question: My H and I are still married: no divorce papers as of yet. Because of this and the fact that I still stand by my wedding vows: I still wear my wedding rings. I took them off for a short time, but I didn't feel right. Is this wrong of me? Am I in some way still holding on to an unrealistic hope that H will come to his senses and we can work on our issues?


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## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

Not sure if it's "wrong"....

All I can say is for me it was an easy decision. I took my wedding ring off after I confirmed without a doubt that my wife was cheating on me. I left it in my medicine cabinet. 

I still wear a "protecting my family" bracelet I got at church 4 months ago when she filed. I thought someone was trying to tell me something when our pastor decided October was "family month" and we started to concentrate on making families stronger. However, my wife didn't think so and kept up her affair. Now the bracelet means something different. My family is my kids. It no longer includes my wife as she has chosen a different path.

No matter what she does until the divorce is final in April, I will honor my vows. I will not see anyone else. I will not cheat. I will help her and support her if she needs me to - within reason. I will not be used or manipulated.

My ring was a symbol of my commitment to her and our family. She has decided to tear the family apart with her actions. Therefore, I will not "pretend" all is well and continue to wear my ring. MY actions will speak volumes to my children. They are the reason I do what I do.


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Help239 said:


> Not sure if it's "wrong"....
> 
> No matter what she does until the divorce is final in April, I will honor my vows. I will not see anyone else. I will not cheat. I will help her and support her if she needs me to - within reason. I will not be used or manipulated.
> 
> My ring was a symbol of my commitment to her and our family. She has decided to tear the family apart with her actions. Therefore, I will not "pretend" all is well and continue to wear my ring. MY actions will speak volumes to my children. They are the reason I do what I do.


Help, you are truly a man of Integrity and your children will see it and know it !!


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## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

Thanks Notaclue - that means a lot. Especially since I don't have our children this week.

Zoe - I am not going to pretend it's easy. I know you're hurting and truth be told I get teary eyed everytime I think about my kids. The turning point for me was when I stopped getting worked up about my spouse. She is a stranger to me. After 15 years I have 4 kids and a lot of good memories.....no matter what she says. I know there were good times and I'm not going to let her comments or state of mind affect what I KNOW to be the truth.


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## ZoeCat (Nov 20, 2009)

I am trying to figure out why I have fallen into a slump. I didn't do this badly during the holidays and that was a painful time for me. I am going to call my primary tomorrow for an appointment: I really do think depression is taking hold of me. I don't want to be medicated, but I need someone to help give me direction. I don't know how to reach out to people for help or just friendship. I've never really had friends and I made the mistake of having my husband as my entire life. I shut out people and now its coming back to haunt me. If I wasn't friendly/social with people before, I don't feel its right of me to reach out to them now just because I'm in a bad place. My good friend at work is trying to re-build a relationship with her boyfriend so I don't feel right about asking her to go out with me. I'm in this vicious cycle and I don't know how to end it.

This separation has been so painful, but its making me realize a lot of what I did wrong in my life. It's so hard because my whole life has been turned upside down and I don't have anything to fall back on and find comfort.


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## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

Zoe - hey I'm on the West Coast but feel free to PM me and I will give you my number to talk. Strangers have been prayering for me and reaching out. You can expect the same from others on this board. It is only natural to want to help others who are going thru this pain.

You didn't make a "mistake". You dedicated yourself to another. There's nothing wrong with that. You will go thru ups and downs during this process.

I know how I felt when I was in your stage.....I just PM'd you my number because you might not feel like sending me a PM. You don't know me and that's fine. Sometimes it's good just to talk about it.


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## ZoeCat (Nov 20, 2009)

Help - I replied to your pm yesterday - let me know if you didn't get my message. I am new to the PM thing so I hope I didn't screw it up


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## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

I got it. You can call anytime.


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## ZoeCat (Nov 20, 2009)

I went back to my therapist today. It felt good to really be able to let out a lot of what I've been holding in. We both agreed that I was hanging onto a shred of hope for the 1st two months and now that I am facing reality, I can start to grieve. Went to gym tonight and saw H. I was strong and stayed positive. He brought up the paperwork for the divorce. Its not what I want, but dragging it out is not going to change anything. I am really considering changing my gym time so we don't have to see each other so much. I have planned a few dinners out with some co-workers to give me a change of routine. We'll see how it goes.


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## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

Sounds like a plan. During the 1st 1.5 months after my W filed I also held out hope until I found out about the OM. Then in the midst of my confusion, a coworker suggested a gym membership. I knew NOT to get one for the gym she attends. No chance of seeing her when I am trying to get her and what she has done to our family out of my mind. Do it!!


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## ZoeCat (Nov 20, 2009)

The gym was one of the things we had started right as everything was crumbling. I held on to it thinking the routine and constant would motivate me. I went this morning and changed my times. He's moving on & I need to do the same.

Its raining here again and that always brings me down.


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## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

Hang in there Zoe - you can always call if you need to talk or just PM if you can't pick up the phone.


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## ZoeCat (Nov 20, 2009)

I have not been great about distancing myself from my husband, but I've been trying. He dropped off paperwork for the divorce yesterday and we stood around talking for a few minutes. Part of me was really happy to see him and part of me just wanted him to leave. I wasn't rude to him, but I wasn't my usual "have a drink, sit down and chat" self. As he got ready to leave, he made a comment about hoping things will get better between us. I snapped and told him that yes, one day I hope we can be friends but right now, I hurt everytime I see him. I need to have some space to start moving on with my life. He mentioned his "friend" who works with us. He is still denying a relationship with her. I said if I was going to date within the company pool, I would give him a heads up and I would expect the same courtesy. Not that it's anyone's business, but we work together and rumors fly. He still says they are just friends and hang out together. Just be honest!

Anyway, after he left, I got so angry at his remark about us being friends. I shouldn't have, but I sent him a text that basically said I can't be his best friend right now because he walked away. He was planning his departure while we were together so he's had time to prepare. I had no warning this was going to happen and I need time to grieve. I'm sorry if this upsets him, but I need some time. 

Was I wrong?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Zoe: I have been reading your post. 

I believe there is really know wrong or rights with the one being left behind. You do what is best for you.

My ex-H was very upset during the separation when I told him that I "won't be your friend." In fact, I think this fact upset him more than the divorce.

He still struggles with wanting a friendship with me. We are divorced since Jan. and I've been asked to do several things with him. "How about having dinner over my house with B and I?" "How about riding together or sitting together?" You name it...he wants to connect. 

I am not ready for a friendship connection. Sorry, ex...it's not happening soon.


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## ZoeCat (Nov 20, 2009)

Corpus: I keep finding myself being very concerned about H's feelings or if he's mad at me. I am trying to get past this, but I guess deep down I'm still looking for his love.

He responded this morning to my text. I explained that his new attitude towards life is really making me not even want to be friends with him. Because we spent so many years not communicating, he now tells everyone what's on his mind even if its hurtful. He has this arrogant, holier than thou attitude that has been noticed by co-workers and friends. I can't tell if this is his true self coming out or his way of telling everyone "I'm fine. This situation doesn't bother me." 

I hate this whole thing... I am so confused most of the time...


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## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

Sorry Zoe - I'm with CW on this one. My cheating W assumes we can still be friends. But in my mind, married or not, if you continue to put your "happiness" before your responsibilities as a parent and actually use the kids as a tool to cause me pain (when you're also causing them pain) - I WILL NOT BE YOUR FRIEND.


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## ZoeCat (Nov 20, 2009)

I feel like I'm right back where I started. Maybe its because I know wednesday we are going to sit down and fill out the divorce papers. I don't know, but I can't stop my mind from racing. Everything reminds me of him - the good and the bad. Everywhere I look, I am reminded of the mistakes I made and the time I lost - I can never make that up to him or me. I keep going between acceptance of where we are tying to find the slightest glimmer of hope. I feel so selfish and pathetic for creating hope when there is none. 

I know I sound like a broken record. I'm sorry that I come here and whine "poor me". I know I've burnt out everyone around me with my constant ups and downs. I read so many of the stories on here and I am so moved by everyone's courage and strength. Why can't I be strong like everyone else and move on? I try to learn from everyone, but I fall back into the same rut. Thank you for giving me a place to vent and express my frustration at myself.


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## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

Stop with the pity party! You have a lot to be thankful for. You are not selfish or pathetic. Seriously.

I just left child mediation with my stb-X and I saw the definition of a selfish woman. 

Just know that you need to concentrate on doing good things for yourself and you cannot change the way that he feels. So, why dwell on the past? It took me almost 2 months to realize this and everyone has their own speed so just hang in there. 

If you need to - pick up the phone and call.


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## whattodo17 (Jan 12, 2010)

I agree with Help-everyone heals at there own pace. What I've learned is you have to let yourself "feel what you feel" and not hold back the tears when they come. If you're angry sit in your car and yell as loud as you can. If you're sad, cry. If you're happy embrace it. I have days where I am truly ok with everything and others where I seriously cry because I want to talk to him so bad.

I lost all my friends during my marriage because I made my husband my life. I thought at the time it was the right thing to do. I made what he liked and wanted to do, what I liked and wanted to do. So now, I'm lost! I have no friends and have a 2 yr old who still wants to go play with friends. I take her places alone and feel so lonely when I see married couples playing with there kids.

I try to be strong and make myself pretend I'm doing what needs to be done. Truth is I'm dying inside. I know where you are coming from and don't feel bad about coming here and stating how you feel. It's what you need right now.


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

I understand how you feel Zoe at times I long for my W but I know she has built our relationship on sand and I built on stone. Reguardless how I feel and how I miss the woman I loved; I know the woman I am divorcing isn't her. Sad to say if she wanted to work things out I would have to do a double take. But I have to be true to myself and realize after all I have done I wasn't worth fighting for in her mind. I wasn't worth care or even consideration. Like you wouldn't say something off the cuff to a coworker cause it might hurt their feelings. I hope we all grow past this and I know there is good things in life coming our way as long as we just keep looking for them and keep liviing.


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## ZoeCat (Nov 20, 2009)

Whattodo: I did the same thing. I spent all of my time and energy on my husband. In the 3 months he's been gone, I have learned so much. Mainly that we should have had friends over and above each other.

I am still not feeling very strong today. I am going to just let myself go and cry when I need to so I can start to let go of the hurt.

Thanks everyone. You are all in my thoughts


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## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

Hey Zoe - we all have these days. I just posted about a setback for me in the form of a letter from our oldest daughter. But the hurt will fade. Know that you are in our thoughts and prayers.


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## ZoeCat (Nov 20, 2009)

Hi... I may be reading too much into this, but I'm confused as to where my husband is headed right now. A couple of weeks ago, we planned to get together to look at the divorce paperwork and get things filed. Well, he never called me that day and said he wasn't feeling well or something like that. I was out of town most of last week but I agreed to meet with him on Sunday. We were to get together at 7. I started on my part so I'd be ready when he came over. At 8 he texts saying its getting late and he will have to reschedule. Fine - I gave up my evening for this and nothing got done. Okay, just send me what you have and I'll email you back with my numbers. I am still waiting for an email. He's been the one pushing for the divorce for almost 2 months now. Why is he stalling? Or is he stalling? Is it wrong of me to not take charge and get this taken care of. Am I being selfish? I still don't want a divorce although I am seriously re-thinking whether I want him in my life at this point. 

I have been very limited in my contact with him. I get stressed when I do answer his calls at work. I am getting better - when I don't answer and he doesn't leave a message, I know it's a stupid call so I don't call back. I'm not getting the stupid "I had such and such for breakfast.Isn't that funny?" text messages any more. Limited contact has been great, but part of me is sad because it was so easy for him to let go and push me completely out of his life.

I hate that he puts me in this state of confusion


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## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

Zoe - been there, as a matter of fact I'm there today. Just know you're not selfish. He is. If I had to guess he's not sure about what he wants either and that is putting you into this confusing situation.

No contact has been working for me. I intend to continue it simply because my W has nothing substantial to say to me except we need to meet and talk. Why the need to meet. We can talk on the phone. I still don't trust her motives.


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