# in hope of reconciliation



## hope and faith (Jan 2, 2011)

HI, Here is my story. I left my husband in January 2010. I moved in with my friend and started a relationship with my friend. My husband didn't try to fix or look for me until the end of February. My husband begged, pleaded, and cried for me to come home. I told him that it was over and that I had moved on. My husband didn't give up. I saw him at least once a month to see if my marriage was worth working on, but i had other feelings for my friend. In July, my husband went out of town and asked me to house sit for him. I stayed for the weekend and then told my husband that it didn't feel like home anymore and that I wanted a divorce. My husband asked me to never contact him again and so I went on with my life. In September I realized that I missed and wanted my husband back. I realized that I had made a huge mistake and that I didn't want to get divorced. By the time I came to the realization that I wanted to work on my marriage, my husband had already moved on. He now has a girlfriend. I just learned that they just moved in together a month ago and my heart is breaking. I know and understand that I got what I deserved. I've come to the realization that I needed to make changes in my life and on myself. I moved into my new apartment a month ago. I started to pray a lot more now than I have ever prayed before. I have asked God to forgive me and I have forgiven my husband. I have a better relationship with God and I read the Bible everyday. I pray that my husband comes to the realization that our marriage is worth fighting for. I pray that God softens his heart and forgives me. I don't know if my husband really loves the woman he is with now, but I truely believe that he still loves me. I will not give up hope and faith in my marriage. Neither of us have filed divorce, but I hope that that never happens. I truely respect the santity of marriage now. I have my days when I feel like I should just give up and move on, but then I hear God telling me not to give up. I've made some changes in myself and hope that someday my husband can see that. My husband refuses to talk to me and ignores all my messages. I have stopped writing him. I just hope that he has a change of heart.


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

What makes you think he still loves you ????


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## Jaz (Dec 29, 2010)

the change of heart aside, what were the problems that drove you to leave your husband in the first place? and how is it different now than the way it used to be? for all you know, you may end up getting back together just to have another change of heart and realize why you left him in the first place. and maybe the distance between you two now is inducing a more idealistic image of him.
can you elaborate? and what happened with the friend you had a relationship with?
i'm all for working on your marriage, best of luck with that, but i do hope it's worth it


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

My question - and it's more selfish so that I can get some insight from you as a person on the other side of the coin - is what caused you to realize that you missed your husband and wanted him back?? Did the friend try to end things or did you realize that the friend was not as great as he seemed in the beginning?


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

As pro marriage as I am, there is also the time to let someone go.

This sounds like one of those times.

It shame that your husband did wrong things when he still wanted you, like the begging and pleading. Had he done effective steps to deliberately smash your affair with your "friend" then their might have been the chance.

Now, it is suspicious that you suddenly "all grown up" about marriage, your husband has moved on, and you "find religion". THis would be hard pill to swallow for any man.

My advice, be adult about the mess you basically made, and next man you in relationship with, use foresight and consider the consequences of your own decisions.

I wish you well.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

This is a classic example of the Preselection Effect.

Preselection is when a woman finds a man more attractive when he has other women interested in him. One notes that you didn't give a rats ass about your husband until suddenly he was ignoring you and had another woman spreading her legs for him.

Also things I assume feel apart with your affair partner around the same time as well.

My suggestion is that you file for divorce on your end and attach to the papers a very long heart felt apology where you completely own your end of the failure of the marriage. Say that you will do anything to repair the damage, counseling and so on. Basically Option A - counseling and whatever it takes, Option B - divorce and closure.


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## Lonely720 (Sep 19, 2010)

This is my worst fear...I filed for divorce in hopes to kick my husband in the a*&. Things were bad....VERY BAD...

I don't think he will pursue me for very long though...which will tell me he's given up completely. 

I just don't know any more.


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## sad_dad (Dec 20, 2010)

That's the risk you took with the process you've chosen.

You can reverse course, and go to him. Go with him to doctor's appointments to make sure that he is getting the treatment that you need. You can find a marriage counselor and set up appointments. Invite him and see if he comes. Make it clear that you are there to be had if he does his work, but he has to do the work.

My wife did exactly the same. I told her in the beginning that "there won't be any love left" at the end....divorce creates its own set of problems, when you are trying to solve a different set. So you've actually made the problem (your need to "fix" your husband) considerably harder than the original problem. Instead of just relying on him to get the treatment that he needs, you now also need him to struggle through his hurt feelings and emotions due to the divorce.

Ultimately you need to make the decision what to do.


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

I agree with BigBadWolf. You stepped out on him, then he found another woman, now you want him back. Its too late.

Let him know how you feel then leave him alone. Do not try to interfere with his new relationship. Somethimes its too late and I think this is one of those.

I'm sorry. Its time to move on with your life. Learn what you can from this experience so you next relationship will be better.


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## Fido (Feb 9, 2011)

Maybe I can give you feedback on this since I am in the position of your husband.

My wife left the relationship very similar to you. On top of unhappiness, she had a light form of depression. She never went on meds, but sees a therapist. She decided to see this therapist, because I did not talk to her anymore and had a new girlfriend and was happy. Just as a quick background info.

Basically, I feel like she is trying to come back because she is not any happier in her new relationship/living situation and wants the security that I gave her (financially).

I don't want her back, because in the beginning I was afraid that she will only leave again when the unhappiness (or problems) come/s back. I also now have just moved on and things that "bugged" me before are now really annoying to me. Over the time that I missed her, I tried to see only the negative things about her to forget her easier and that still sticks around. It also feels like she just wants the past back, but I learned and evolved and would only want a new relationship. She however constantly referred to the great things from the past.

Overall, you are too late, your husband moved on. Even if his new relationship should not last, you and he are past. Both of you developed and are different people now. Once you both broke contact off completely, you basically moved on, maybe you did not realize, but that's what happened.

Move on yourself and learn from it. Never just leave, respect the other person. Good luck!


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