# Could this mean he was unfaithful



## Plum (Apr 29, 2021)

Husband went on a 4 day business a while back, not much communication from him while away, just a text to say he'd arrived and one later in evening to ask if I was free for a call. Next day just a text in evening to ask if free to chat again. 

No other communication, no details of where he was staying. Past business trips he's made an effort to message throughout the day and given me details.

Day 3 nothing until late evening a brief text comes through "Migraine all day, phone battery nearly dead, won't be chatting" (Had left charger at home but was using one at the office)
I texted back saying it would be nice to exchange a text or two, but no reply so rang, phone turned off and straight to voicemail. Next morning I note he's on Facebook and is for the next hour before messaging me to say he's feeling better and will be home that night, will message when the plane lands. Not sure how he could be on FB for so long with a dead battery as he hadn't been in the office at that point so had no means to charge phone and it was supposedly on 5% the night before.

Gets back that evening I tried to explain how hurt I felt by his lack of communication and how he hadn't once asked if I was ok, etc., and he got narked and went to bed. 
Next day we had a massive row and he inexplicably said he couldn't be with me when I'm like this and he's not the person for me (the day happened to be our wedding anniversary) no present from him, just a card, no warmth, no love just a day full of hurt and confusion. 

Several months later I noticed an attractive blonde on his FB and asked who she was, he said she worked for his company but in the Country he'd been on the business trip to, said she was made redundant and she wanted to stay in touch so she had added him. I asked why I'd never heard of her and he said "oh we just exchange emails, the odd phone call at work and have a good laugh and banter" This conversation changed into he had added her on FB as he wanted to know if she got another job. 
He then tells me in passing that they met on the business trip he went to and had got on really well. I asked if anything had happened and if that had been why he'd picked a big row when he'd got back from the trip, he ended up on his knees in front of me with his face right in mine shouting full volume at me "Listen to me, I've never been near another woman" which left me shaking and shocked. 

He took her off FB no idea if they still have contact. 

Am I reading too much into this? I have a horrible niggly doubt that something did go on but he would always deny that and I have no way of ever getting any proof. 

Thanks


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

Plum said:


> Husband went on a 4 day business a while back, not much communication from him while away, just a text to say he'd arrived and one later in evening to ask if I was free for a call. Next day just a text in evening to ask if free to chat again.
> 
> No other communication, no details of where he was staying. Past business trips he's made an effort to message throughout the day and given me details.
> 
> ...


You are NOT reading too much into this. Always trust your gut.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

I think your instincts are telling you something.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He’s never going to tell you if anything happened so you’ll have to decide what you’re going to do without his input.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I'd check in now and again, to see if he adds her back on FB. Hard to say. Everything he could have told you about his dead battery, and so on...could be true. You know him better than us, if he's always been truthful about innocuous things like that, then he could be telling the truth. But, it's odd to be in another country, and just not check in more often, and ask how you are. His screaming at you is telling though.

Also, that he told you he's not the one for you, what does that even mean? Of course, he could be offended that you are implying you don't trust him, but there could be more. Just see what the next few weeks bring, and see what happens.

Check the phone bill now and again as well, as others may suggest here. If he unfriended her on FB, he may have her number, and could be staying in touch that way. At the very least, he hung out with another woman during a business trip and didn't stay in contact with you, giving you excuses. I'd also see if he charged anything like an expensive dinner with her, or something, from that trip.

This doesn't mean he's having an affair, but just be observant. Not obsessed, just observant.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Plum said:


> Husband went on a 4 day business a while back, not much communication from him while away, just a text to say he'd arrived and one later in evening to ask if I was free for a call. Next day just a text in evening to ask if free to chat again.
> 
> No other communication, no details of where he was staying. Past business trips he's made an effort to message throughout the day and given me details.
> 
> ...


This sounds similar to how he behaved about a year and a half ago....did you guys ever resolve those issues between you two? How have things been since...have you been getting along, or are you still struggling and not having sex?

Those are important questions, because it might show a pattern and if you are still both unable to connect emotionally or physically, it weakens your marriage and makes cheating more likely.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

So it sounds like he becomes enraged when he feels you've backed him into a corner. He begins to panic and tries to take back control by a show of dominance. To me, it's a sure sign of guilt. It's another form of lying because he knows he can't talk his way out so he bullies his way out.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

Post #6 - it is a plain truth

Ma'am - you have a problem and it is a male with the name on your marriage license.

He needs IC/Anger Management and likely some other 'treatments' on how to be a decent person.


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## Rayr44 (6 mo ago)

I am a guy who travels a bit around Asia, Europe and the US. I am on the road almost 150+ days a year. No matter how important my meeting is I take calls from my wife and kids at anytime of the day no matter how important the business is.

After reading your post, I suspect he is into something that he is ashamed of or scared to tell you. If he wanted to keep in touch with a colleague, then he would have added her on LinkedIn as it a professional network space. I am sorry to inform you that this is not a normal behaviour and I suspect he hiding something from you!


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

His explanation and his reaction to your questions create many more questions than answers.

Then a look at the history- and it's clear there's a problem here.

I wouldn't be giving him the benefit of the doubt, that's for sure, especially given his rage at your reasonable questions- it appears he's using the old "The best defense is a good offense" strategy right there.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Trust your gut, something is off with this situation.

Can you see credit card transactions or expense reports for the day he had the"migraine" and no battery?

Can you go on his facebook and look at the activity log for that day... that might prove he was on there, while claiming he had no battery to talk to you?

If you assume he cheated on you, what would your next step be?


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Trust your gut. Waywards often instigate arguments to avoid intimacy or discussions. Instead of making an effort to ease your concerns, he gets mad to create distance. We men will do that to avoid questioning that can leave us exposed to our wife’s ability to see right through our bs.

It’s time to go James Bond on his @ss to find out what happened back then. Do a deep dive on his phone, laptop, and tablet. Go through his text, social media, pics, and credit card statements.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

What does his phone bill show? Was he texting or calling anyone else when he wasn’t contacting you?
Can you view his bill online or does he have you cut off from that info as well?


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

Beach123 said:


> What does his phone bill show? Was he texting or calling anyone else when he wasn’t contacting you?
> Can you view his bill online or does he have you cut off from that info as well?


The phone bill is a tell all... I had a similar experience and he was texting someone else.

OP, he will continue to lie and twist it.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

How long have you been married?
Can you support yourself without him?
Your other thread reminded me of your suspicions - he doesn’t try and earn your trust and you shouldn’t put up with his despicable behavior.
Most people know the answer to their question before they ask. Trust your gut. He’s not good for any marriage.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

Plum: I looked up your first thread -

Appears from this post nothing has changed and your situation is worse than I thought.
Might be instructive for you to read through your first post.
My take is you already have enough "reason(s)" to start a life separate from the Mr. 


I don't understand why you would stay married or living with your spouse.


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## Plum (Apr 29, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> What does his phone bill show? Was he texting or calling anyone else when he wasn’t contacting you?
> Can you view his bill online or does he have you cut off from that info as well?


He has a personal mobile, no access to any paper bills as they're all online, same as my own.


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## Plum (Apr 29, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> This sounds similar to how he behaved about a year and a half ago....did you guys ever resolve those issues between you two? How have things been since...have you been getting along, or are you still struggling and not having sex?
> 
> Those are important questions, because it might show a pattern and if you are still both unable to connect emotionally or physically, it weakens your marriage and makes cheating more likely.


Hey LisaDiane, this actually happened not long after my last post but only came to the fore again recently when we started talking about 'us' again. To be honest we've just lived in limbo land the past 18 months not talking about how things are or reaching any conclusion. No sex for over a year now needless to say. We've started talking recently about where things are going and if we have a future.


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## Plum (Apr 29, 2021)

ShatteredKat said:


> Plum: I looked up your first thread -
> 
> Appears from this post nothing has changed and your situation is worse than I thought.
> Might be instructive for you to read through your first post.
> ...


Thanks for your reply, my original post is very much fresh in my mind, thankfully no further behaviour along those lines since but that's down to us not talking about 'us' this was something that happened around the same time, or shortly after. Have been contemplating bringing it up again but don't want to risk sounding like I'm overly suspicious or if it's even worth mentioning when I can never prove anything, if indeed there is anything to prove.


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## Plum (Apr 29, 2021)

jsmart said:


> Trust your gut. Waywards often instigate arguments to avoid intimacy or discussions. Instead of making an effort to ease your concerns, he gets mad to create distance. We men will do that to avoid questioning that can leave us exposed to our wife’s ability to see right through our bs.
> 
> It’s time to go James Bond on his @ss to find out what happened back then. Do a deep dive on his phone, laptop, and tablet. Go through his text, social media, pics, and credit card statements.


I don't have access to anything or I would have. Finger print for phone, no idea what his laptop password is so that rules our looking at emails or texts or FB messages. He has online bank statements and has his own personal account. Have trawled through social media but I don't think he'd be silly enough to put anything on there.


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## Plum (Apr 29, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> This sounds similar to how he behaved about a year and a half ago....did you guys ever resolve those issues between you two? How have things been since...have you been getting along, or are you still struggling and not having sex?
> 
> Those are important questions, because it might show a pattern and if you are still both unable to connect emotionally or physically, it weakens your marriage and makes cheating more likely.





jsmart said:


> Trust your gut. Waywards often instigate arguments to avoid intimacy or discussions. Instead of making an effort to ease your concerns, he gets mad to create distance. We men will do that to avoid questioning that can leave us exposed to our wife’s ability to see right through our bs.
> 
> It’s time to go James Bond on his @ss to find out what happened back then. Do a deep dive on his phone, laptop, and tablet. Go through his text, social media, pics, and credit card statements.


I don't have access to any of the above, just his social media page as seen from my own. It's an interesting take and certainly something I see in him myself, he's good at deflecting I'll give him that. No past issues resolved, still no sex and no discussions about 'us' until recent times as we've spent a year or so just trying to get on.


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## Plum (Apr 29, 2021)

jsmart said:


> Trust your gut. Waywards often instigate arguments to avoid intimacy or discussions. Instead of making an effort to ease your concerns, he gets mad to create distance. We men will do that to avoid questioning that can leave us exposed to our wife’s ability to see right through our bs.
> 
> It’s time to go James Bond on his @ss to find out what happened back then. Do a deep dive on his phone, laptop, and tablet. Go through his text, social media, pics, and credit card statements.


I would have if I could but have but have no access to phone, laptop, credit or bank statements


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## Plum (Apr 29, 2021)

Not said:


> So it sounds like he becomes enraged when he feels you've backed him into a corner. He begins to panic and tries to take back control by a show of dominance. To me, it's a sure sign of guilt. It's another form of lying because he knows he can't talk his way out so he bullies his way out.


I find it odd why he'd choose to shout it in my face, if he'd asked me if something had happened it wouldn't be my way of denying it. I've tried to talk to him about it since but he just says he's sorry he behaved that way but he was annoyed at me for accusing him and in his words, scrutinising him. Neither of which I did in any way except ask who this work woman was when I found out he'd met her on the business trip and did anything happen on the trip to account for his reaction at the time.


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

Plum said:


> "Listen to me, I've never been near another woman" which left me shaking and shocked.


Plum, that line is in the euphemisms “greatest hits.” I heard this very same line myself a while ago and eventually found out my wife HAD been with other men.

Mouth shut, ears open. Gather more evidence.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Plum said:


> I would have if I could but have but have no access to phone, laptop, credit or bank statements


You should have access to each other’s devices. You can ask to use his phone and add you print or face. Phones allow multiple images but it shouldn’t require you being sneaky to get access to his phone. You’re his wife. Time to assert yourself.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Plum said:


> He has a personal mobile, no access to any paper bills as they're all online, same as my own.


Then you look it up online! Like now!


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Plum said:


> I don't have access to anything or I would have. Finger print for phone, no idea what his laptop password is so that rules our looking at emails or texts or FB messages. He has online bank statements and has his own personal account. Have trawled through social media but I don't think he'd be silly enough to put anything on there.


really? Every bit of info is kept from you knowing?
How long have you been married? Do you have any kids together?
More importantly - do you work and earn enough money to support yourself?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

I’d hire a private detective to follow him next time he travels.
When he does - ask to see his flight info and hotel reservation. That way he can be tailed,
If he asks why you want info - tell him a friend mentioned that healthy marriages share travel info with their spouse.
He’s hiding so much - he’s definitely up to some things (plural).


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## Plum (Apr 29, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> Then you look it up online! Like now!


I don't have access to his personal bank account.


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## Plum (Apr 29, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> really? Every bit of info is kept from you knowing?
> How long have you been married? Do you have any kids together?
> More importantly - do you work and earn enough money to support yourself?


In a nutshell yes. Separate bank accounts, own personal laptops/phones. Have never shared our log ins. Have a joint account for bills but he stopped using it for anything else 4 years ago. He likes to save his own money. 
Married a very long time, 3 grown up non dependent children. 
I work, can support myself.


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## Plum (Apr 29, 2021)

jsmart said:


> You should have access to each other’s devices. You can ask to use his phone and add you print or face. Phones allow multiple images but it shouldn’t require you being sneaky to get access to his phone. You’re his wife. Time to assert yourself.


We never have asides the days when mobiles weren't password protected. Not sure how he'd feel if I suggested that out the blue. Any messages are likely now long gone.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Plum said:


> I don't have access to his personal bank account.


you have access to nothing , you have no sex life , lots of things going on in your relationship that looks like your just staying together to hurt yourself,
DO you think this life is going to last for ever and that it is ok to make a bal++ of it ,

we only get one life , it is not a practice run this is it make the best shot at it and when you come to the end you can look back on the good things and not have to look back and see that you stayed in a bad relationship for way to long ,

I am sorry but life is too short,


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## Plum (Apr 29, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> you have access to nothing , you have no sex life , lots of things going on in your relationship that looks like your just staying together to hurt yourself,
> DO you think this life is going to last for ever and that it is ok to make a bal++ of it ,
> 
> we only get one life , it is not a practice run this is it make the best shot at it and when you come to the end you can look back on the good things and not have to look back and see that you stayed in a bad relationship for way to long ,
> ...


I'm coming around to that way of thinking, every time I think it's time to split some obstacle gets in the way though. The fallout from him is what I dread the most but know he wants out too. I got two indoor cats 6 months ago (always had cats but not indoor ones before) he told me recently he knew our marriage was over when I got them. I told him it was an incredibly immature comment and jealous of two cats, seriously???? To be fair I get more from them than him, says a lot.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

who cares if your husband is cheating with a woman or 150 women and a few men as well , your living a life of two flat mates it is not a marriage except in name only , honestly if I was the judge and you two brought this case to me for divorce I would refuse as it would have to be a marriage first , you just need to brake a rent agreement ,if your paying rent , 
if not just agree you made a mistake say sorry give each other a hug and go your own way and wish each other luck


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

why do so many have to wait until they catch their partner in bed with someone before they admit what they have is not working , we have another woman here her husband let his iPod open and she found his sex tape with a working girl, this is the second time and he has promised he will not do it again , and she is buying ti , all is forgiven , 

is what you have what you bought into when you ran up the church saying I DO ?
No it is far from and dream you had , you just afraid you might die alone , there is no love lost between you 

if he does not get home until 11pm any night are you worried if he had an accident or worried he is cheating because if it is only the second it tells the truth


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Do you feel loved within the marriage?


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## Plum (Apr 29, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> why do so many have to wait until they catch their partner in bed with someone before they admit what they have is not working , we have another woman here her husband let his iPod open and she found his sex tape with a working girl, this is the second time and he has promised he will not do it again , and she is buying ti , all is forgiven ,
> 
> is what you have what you bought into when you ran up the church saying I DO ?
> No it is far from and dream you had , you just afraid you might die alone , there is no love lost between you
> ...


I have no proof he cheated, purely a niggle of why he behaved strangely and there's only heresay to be suspicious of, he's an incredibly moralistic person. The woman lives in another country in Europe and I always know his whereabouts, he doesn't ever go out of an evening and never has.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

This is a change of tune.
Your husband shuts you out of every important part of the union that could help you feel safe - and now you decide you’re going to defend him?
Who knows? He’s so secretive - it may not be this particular gal he was with.


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## Plum (Apr 29, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> This is a change of tune.
> Your husband shuts you out of every important part of the union that could help you feel safe - and now you decide you’re going to defend him?
> Who knows? He’s so secretive - it may not be this particular gal he was with.


It's not a change of tune, just stating fact, what is he shutting me out of exactly? He doesn't have my passwords etc but I'm not cheating on anyone, some people like their privacy. My post was asking if I was right to feel suspicious/if his behaviour was odd, it was odd, but that could be for any number of reasons. He's now unjustly being branded a serial cheater so yes I am defending him.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

@Plum. It seems like many here on TAM go directly to he or she is a cheater. Some are truly triggered by their own experiences. I guess only you can decide why your husband is so secretive. I wish you luck in your endeavors to find out why. 

I think many posters here , just give you alternative ways to think. They have actually helped others uncover terrible things in their marriage, including infidelity / but not limited to , just by asking hard questions. 

Jimi


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Yes, I’d be suspicious if my husband went on a trip and didn’t contact me or contacted me very little.
I’d also be suspicious if I was shut out of passwords and accounts that I felt we should be a partnership in. 
he’s designed his life and shut you out - yes, I’d be concerned.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Plum said:


> I have no proof he cheated, purely a niggle of why he behaved strangely and there's only heresay to be suspicious of, he's an incredibly moralistic person. The woman lives in another country in Europe and I always know his whereabouts, he doesn't ever go out of an evening and never has.


that is my point , if the relationship is so bad why whit until he cheats or proof of , if the marriage is so bad and your living like two strangers and waiting for the other to make the first move , why push things so far down the road to the day you can't even be friends after divorce , 

agree you have drifted apart and go your own ways


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your husband is pretty crappy as husbands go.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Plum said:


> I find it odd why he'd choose to shout it in my face, if he'd asked me if something had happened it wouldn't be my way of denying it. I've tried to talk to him about it since but he just says he's sorry he behaved that way but he was annoyed at me for accusing him and in his words, scrutinising him. Neither of which I did in any way except ask who this work woman was when I found out he'd met her on the business trip and did anything happen on the trip to account for his reaction at the time.


Liars and cheaters try to deflect onto you. You touched a raw nerve, hence his guilty reaction and anger. How dare you usurp his perfect story telling. Keep digging but don’t confront until you have evidence. Plant a Var in his office and car.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Your husband is showing classic signs of deflection by yelling at you when you are asking about things that concern you. His response is mean and rude. It's a manipulation tactic.

You know he lied to you about his phone battery being dead.

I think your gut is telling you that he's cheating. You don't seem to be paranoid. Your gut is most likely correct.

Why do you want to know if your husband is cheating? Does it help you to decide what to do? 

I'm sorry that your long time marriage has come to this state.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Hire a PI. You don't have to live in the dark. They have the equipment and training to find out what he's up to.
Documented proof of an affair may give you an advantage in divorce negotiations. It certainly gives you more power over his BS.


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## Frankie J (4 mo ago)

Plum said:


> Husband went on a 4 day business a while back, not much communication from him while away, just a text to say he'd arrived and one later in evening to ask if I was free for a call. Next day just a text in evening to ask if free to chat again.
> 
> No other communication, no details of where he was staying. Past business trips he's made an effort to message throughout the day and given me details.
> 
> ...


Stay off face book, Does he treat you well ? 
Do you think he still loves you
How is you life at home .


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Plum said:


> Hey LisaDiane, this actually happened not long after my last post but only came to the fore again recently when we started talking about 'us' again. To be honest we've just lived in limbo land the past 18 months not talking about how things are or reaching any conclusion. No sex for over a year now needless to say. We've started talking recently about where things are going and if we have a future.


Limbo is a self imposed state. Is this how you want to live?
If not it requires a decision on your part.
A lot like you live on hopium which is only a temporary comfort zone.
It’s all about your actions. Talk or words won’t get you a thing.


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

Plum said:


> Husband went on a 4 day business a while back, not much communication from him while away, just a text to say he'd arrived and one later in evening to ask if I was free for a call. Next day just a text in evening to ask if free to chat again.
> 
> No other communication, no details of where he was staying. Past business trips he's made an effort to message throughout the day and given me details.
> 
> ...


Plum, I hate to say it but... that is exactly when my gut started warning me (correctly) that something was going on with my SO: she was overseas, uncommunicative to the point that she would answer my whatsapps with pictures (no affection whatsoever) and her story about her day's activities did not match what I eventually heard from a neighbor (she was out and about A LOT). Although my aha moment did not include Facebook, I did find out about the guy she eventually cheated on me with through social media, and the proceedings sounded eerily similar to yours.

I would seriously consider heavy monitoring of his internet activity as well as his phone. Talking to him is going to be a TOTAL waste of time. Do not waste any spit. My wife went as far as passing a polygraph so... just to show you how far and deep into the rabbit hole these animals will take it.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Plum said:


> Husband went on a 4 day business a while back, not much communication from him while away, just a text to say he'd arrived and one later in evening to ask if I was free for a call. Next day just a text in evening to ask if free to chat again.
> 
> No other communication, no details of where he was staying. Past business trips he's made an effort to message throughout the day and given me details.
> 
> ...


what do 'narked' and 'niggly' mean?


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Trident said:


> His explanation and his reaction to your questions create many more questions than answers.
> 
> Then a look at the history- and it's clear there's a problem here.
> 
> I wouldn't be giving him the benefit of the doubt, that's for sure, especially given his rage at your reasonable questions- it appears he's using the old "The best defense is a good offense" strategy right there.


This, exactly.
I have been researching this stuff for 16 years. When I first started, I believed, like many, that an inquiry


aine said:


> Liars and cheaters try to deflect onto you. You touched a raw nerve, hence his guilty reaction and anger. How dare you usurp his perfect story telling. Keep digging but don’t confront until you have evidence. Plant a Var in his office and car.


Exactly. Contrary to what many view as a normal reaction to either a false accusation or an inquiry into fidelity, the hostile, angry reaction is anything but a normal response from an innocent person. A person with nothing to hide reacts with concern and is invested in quelling insecurity. 
Reacting as he did, while not determinative , is a classic cheater's reaction. Could be he is innocent but just a jerk. But, this type of response is anything but normal.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Sorry about the above. I was interrupted and failed tomresume where I had left off.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

The relationship sounds terrible. Mine was, too. The infidelity was a blessing. Woke me up as to what type of person my wife was. I would have shriveled up and died staying much longer.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Why don't you just contact her and say a friendly hello from John's wife.. That way at least you can be sure she knows he's married. See my thinking about the phone calls is if he was cheating he would probably be extra careful to keep in touch with you and make phone calls to cover his ass -- UNLESS whoever he was cheating with didn't know he was married or unavailable and he was concealing that. 

I just don't think I'd stay with anyone who had a huge rage problem with having a conversation about something important. That's so disrespectful and scary. Those conversations are never pleasant but there's no reason to turn them violent and abusive.


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