# sex outside marriage



## gmailgirl (Aug 29, 2009)

Please advice. I have been happily married for past 6 years except for sex part. Me and my husband met when we were students, he is a kind and affectionate man but has a very low libido. On the other hand I have an extremely high libido (sex 2 times a day) I have bipolar 2 and people with that are extremely hyper-sexual, outgoing, dynamic and ambitious. It is a genetic disorder as I can see that with my brother, sister and father too. However I am hardworking with successful career and a positive personality but sex is always on my mind. Divorce for sex doesn't seem right to me as I really love him and he loves me. I have been suppressing my desires for past six years. He has tried exercising and other methods to boost testosterone levels but it doesn't help.

My office colleague has similar problem, he has bipolar 2 and his wife has low libido. He asked me if we could help each other and keep our marriages working. He has a little boy and a wife whom he really loves. 

Is this something that people do(?) and if anyone is experienced can they throw some light on how I can solve this problem. I am not at peace with this. I don't bother my husband too much as I know he is very sensitive and he can not satisfy me even if he tries. I don't know what else to do. I don't know how will I spend my life like that. Can someone give me a positive advice and not be judgmental?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Ive thought about doing this, too. My H also has a low libido. and i think in theory it sounds really good. but in reality, it doesnt work. I understand what you mean about not wanting to leave the marriage just for sex. but if you have sex outside of marriage you are leaving the marriage. Not intentionally but odds are the marriage will end, and it will be ugly.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

this is a horrible Idea, buy yourself a good vibrator and your co-worker can masterbate all he wants...but don't go justify cheating behind your spouses back, unless BOTH your spouses agree to this open relationship, then fine, otherwise, you are just screwing omeone else because you can't keep it in the pants.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

gmailgirl-

Could you obtain your husband's agreement?


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

I feel for you because i know how hard it is to supress your needs it certainly doesnt make you happy , 
I think it would depend on weather you seek his approval or go behind his back !! 
I ve booked to see a professional therpist because it has become a problem .
you need to talk to your husband dont have regrets about making the wrong choices just to have a moment of madness


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## gmailgirl (Aug 29, 2009)

Husband's agreement is impossible.. We both are from extremely conservative/ traditional families and were inexperienced (virgins) when we got married. I myself don't know how I am going to react to this extra-marital relationship; that's why looking for advice. I met professional therapist and it concluded that either I should take divorce or buy a vibrator. I bought a vibrator and sometimes I masturbate 4-5 times a day especially during PMS (when I am extremely stressed out). For me it's more like a medical problem rather than social/romantic problem. We both are highly educated and balanced family people but trust me thinking about having an extra affair is completely out of desperation. I am a good wife and my husband is quite happy and satisfied with me. He thinks the same about me, but I keep my feelings private as I don't want to hurt him.I appreciate family values, love, trust and believe in it /practice it - but what do people like me should do? suffer through out their lives thinking this is god's plan for me. and By the way when I suppress my desires -they get accumulated over time and then I will meet some random guy who has a nice personality and would have instant crush on him, and would obsess privately about him for over a year - and he wont even have a clue. This is like being punished for a crime by god, society and fundamentalism for something I never committed.


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## gmailgirl (Aug 29, 2009)

I apologize for the harsh tone - But this is a fundamental question to the basis of our ethics and society. Trust me I am not a selfish person - which explains why I love and care for my husband (for past six years and would always do) -but having poor performance at work and crushes at work is killing me. I generally feel stressed out during mornings, insomnia is a huge part of the problem. sex helps to relax me- Alcohol, drugs and substance abuse is quite common in the stressed out situations but I neither drink or smoke and I am vegetarian. I have lot of love in my heart for people and friends around me and they all love me but I am really unhappy from inside.


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

gmailgirl said:


> Please advice. I have been happily married for past 6 years except for sex part. Me and my husband met when we were students, he is a kind and affectionate man but has a very low libido. On the other hand I have an extremely high libido (sex 2 times a day) I have bipolar 2 and people with that are extremely hyper-sexual, outgoing, dynamic and ambitious. It is a genetic disorder as I can see that with my brother, sister and father too. However I am hardworking with successful career and a positive personality but sex is always on my mind. Divorce for sex doesn't seem right to me as I really love him and he loves me. I have been suppressing my desires for past six years. He has tried exercising and other methods to boost testosterone levels but it doesn't help.
> 
> My office colleague has similar problem, he has bipolar 2 and his wife has low libido. He asked me if we could help each other and keep our marriages working. He has a little boy and a wife whom he really loves.
> 
> Is this something that people do(?) and if anyone is experienced can they throw some light on how I can solve this problem. I am not at peace with this. I don't bother my husband too much as I know he is very sensitive and he can not satisfy me even if he tries. I don't know what else to do. I don't know how will I spend my life like that. Can someone give me a positive advice and not be judgmental?


Nah. Dont do anything without your partners agreement otherwise its an affair.

I'm a similar situation to you. Wife has offered that she doesnt mind if I have sex with other women. Sounded great at first but when I thought about it it didnt sound so cool.

Not that they're exactly queuing up around the corner mind !


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## Commited1 (Nov 13, 2009)

gmailgirl, 

I am terrible with advice so take with a grain of salt please- 

I think you should focus on why he does not satisfy you even if he tries. If he is willing to try there is something you can work with. When I say 'focus on', you need to think about and discuss the specifics of what he is doing wrong. Never say unable. He is able if you are both willing. 

Sexual energy can also be channeled into other areas with some mental discipline. Just as with some mental discipline he is able to please you. 

If you are both as commited and traditional as you say, you both can do this. Don't give up. Don't stray.

just my thoughts


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

gmailgirl said:


> what do people like me should do? suffer through out their lives thinking this is god's plan for me.


i also think about this when considering if i should leave my H. There are pro's and con's to all lifestyles. What would your life be like if you divorced and got all the sex you wanted? think about it as an adult, with real consequences, and not in your fantasy land. Do you think that if you got all the sex you wanted, just as wild and crazy as you wanted, that you would not suffer? What about unwanted pregnancy's, disease, rape, and emotional turmoil? These are the con's of the lifestyle you are pursing. 

Ive answered these questions for myself and i know i would suffer. You have an emotional imbalance and i know you would suffer, too. Not at first of course, but then you didnt suffer in your marriage at first either, did you. Be careful about the fantasy you are creating in your mind.


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## Girl33 (Nov 27, 2009)

..........


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## gmailgirl (Aug 29, 2009)

I appreciate everyone's advice. My husband's intercourse time is maximum 2-4 minutes and he can't give me any orgasms. He tried exercising and semen retention to boost his testosterone levels but has not succeeded so far. He is not interested as he is comfortable with his sexual capability. I mention time to time to do something about increasing his libido but he tries a little and then leaves it. I guess his biological built up is like that. I can't pressurize him to perform every time. It is extremely frustrating for me but I try to keep it cool as I know it would hurt him. He is very young, ambitious and on a good position; my continuous insistence would affect his personality and work in a negative way. He is pretty satisfied with sex twice a week and never initiates it. He is simply not a very sexual person though I am fairly attractive and wear sexy lingerie, do regular bj's etc. 

I've been able to channelize my sexual energy for many years in my creative work (and have been successful!) but failing to do so for past one and a half years. In spite of too much work and deadlines my brain keeps obsessing about sex not necessarily with strangers but with my husband, and he doesn't carry any passion or intensity. I know an extra marital might end up being an emotional disaster for me so I haven't pursued it even when I got multiple chances. But it is very sad being sex starved. 

I guess I don't have a solution; I'll pray to god and hope everything would be fine with time. When I'll have kids I'll be busy and channelize my energy in my kids.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Commited1 said:


> Sexual energy can also be channeled into other areas with some mental discipline.


Not really. Most people it just builds up and then they can do something inappropriate as a pressure release. I really don't think her sex drive is going to become easier to manage if she takes up knittting and gets really good at it.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

gmailgirl said:


> I appreciate everyone's advice. My husband's intercourse time is maximum 2-4 minutes and he can't give me any orgasms.


I think the big issue to work on here is not so much his libido, but your lack of orgasms with him. I would not let him get away with sex that doesn't get you to an orgasm. I'm not sure if you're both aware but only a small minority of women manage to orgasm through intercourse alone. It can be a purely physiological thing related to the proximity of the clitorus to the vagina.

Either you need to use your hands on yourself been you're with him, or he needs to do it you. Or some combination thereof.


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## Commited1 (Nov 13, 2009)

Atholk said:


> Not really. Most people it just builds up and then they can do something inappropriate as a pressure release. I really don't think her sex drive is going to become easier to manage if she takes up knittting and gets really good at it.


I don't think taking up knitting and getting really good at it is what I meant, and maybe if you really think that summarizes what I meant then the concept of channeling sexual energy (an ancient tradition practiced by many cultures in many many different ways) is obviously beyond you.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Commited1 said:


> I don't think taking up knitting and getting really good at it is what I meant, and maybe if you really think that summarizes what I meant then the concept of channeling sexual energy (an ancient tradition practiced by many cultures in many many different ways) is obviously beyond you.


Ok I'll bite. Give an example of someone channelling sexual energy into something else that actually works long term.

My experience is that most people denied their desired sexual expression can distract themselves for quite sometime doing something else, but their impulses eventually overwhelm them. Sometimes in ways that can be quite destructive to their overall personal life.

I mean we don't tell gay people to just channel their sexual energy into something else... this is the way their sex drive works. The OP has a very high sex drive and she's already been trying to supress it for six years and suddenly she's tempted by a real opportunity in front of her that would be easy to take. This is the potential point of failure where she can do something potentially quite destructive.

I'd worry about two bipolar people hooking up together. Thats gonna be a fun ride, but just bound to end badly. I believe your husband is very grounding to you and you need him deeply.

My general advice is work on sex with your husband. Don't do anything with the other man. Buy the best vibrator you can. It's expensive, but I'd suggest getting a Sybian


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## gmailgirl (Aug 29, 2009)

Thanks for your advice. I do get orgasms by using the vibrator for clitoral simulation but it takes 10-15 minutes. My husband tries to perform cunnilingus which is good but I still can't orgasm. I agree with both _committed1 _and _Atholk _on their perspectives. I am from India and yoga is a big part of my life. I do all breathing exercises such as kapalbhati and other pranayams every morning for mental relaxation. I go to gym regularly to spend my energy, but it makes me more active and energetic. I cook a lot and throw big home cooked meals for friends and family which keeps me occupied with healthy lifestyle. 

But doing all this feels more like running away from myself and my impulses. In India our parents kept us protected and unaware from sex and other sorts of pleasure in teen years and education was the biggest aim of life. But I guess I can't do that anymore. I have broken down and cried for many days for I know in the end family is the biggest thing. I am just hoping my sexual energy doesn't end up on being obsessed with some random guy and eventually self disaster. If you hear stories about bi-polar women here, they cannot control their urges and have multiple partners. 

Would it help to have kids? My colleague has a boy and he spends a lot of time and energy with him, but still in the end he is frustrated and keeps looking out for other women. He also participates in many marathons to channelize his energy. I don't want to be like him running after men. I want to have a committed relationship and happy family. I guess I will do more yoga and meditation and channelize my energy into doing something positive for myself and for society.

Thanks all of you for hearing me out. It means a lot.


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## Mattie J (Sep 1, 2009)

gmailgirl,

I appreciate and applaud your desire to remain faithful to your marriage vow. I think if your husband is loving and caring as you state that he is he will understand if you explain to him in a loving and respectful way that your physical needs are not being met. I'm sure he would like to learn from you what he can do to make your intimacy more satisfying, but you have to communicate this to him and hopefully he will take it the right way and apply what he learns from you. Bringing someone else into this relationship will most certainly be very damaging to you and your spouse. You're doing the right thing by honoring the marriage. There's nothing wrong with seeking the advice from strangers; we don't all have the right answers but you should be able to gleen from some of the responses a direction you should pursue. I'm sure your situation is very frustrating but it sounds like you have it under control for the moment. Exercise definitely helps; I know running for me takes some of the "fight" out of me so that I'm not always longing for intimacy from my wife, however I told her that I was unhappy with the frequency of our intimacy and it has drastically improved. In 2008 we were intimate a total of 27 times (I secretly kept track!). So far this year we have been intimate 50 times! Nearly twice as much! And I'm hopeful that in 2010 we will increase these by an additional 50%. We shall see...

I hope it all works out for you gmailgirl, your marriage deserves it and it sounds like you are a special person.


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## Tweak (Nov 18, 2009)

It is enlightening to me to hear a lady talk about needing sex like this.I do not mean to make light of the OP's problem at all,quite the contrary.I as a man find or have found myself in this type of problem....Wanting sex.Even with masturbation it only takes the edge off,never curbing the desire for skin to skin contact.
I to am Bipolar and "sexual risk" I am starting to learn is a symptom of this illness.I never knew this,but looking back over my life I have been Bipolar since my early teens.I have done some crazy things,it was like a alternative personality was in me.
I find it amazing I do not have a list of women a mile long,I fought within myself to be a "good boy" but inside I was something else entirely.

I agree she should invest in a really good toy/dildo/vibrator.If for no other reason then to help her over the ruff spots of needing to stay true to her husband.

I also think a heart to heart talk with your husband is over due.
Tell him you NEED IT more often.Work on getting him to open up,his fantasies and needs and lusts.Tell him you need to be satisfied to,you are human to and just because your a lady does not mean you do not enjoy cumming.
See my post here ....http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/9329-hope-spread-word-about-making-your-woman-happy.html

This post above is my self discovery.I knew before at a young age women could cum.I did not believe they truly enjoyed it,my limited experience with ladies and my wife's Fibromyalgia,the fact I was always initiating sex with my wife and society telling me women are prim and proper....led me to believe ladies just did not want to rip a guys clothes off and have sex. 
I was wrong....women desire sex as much as men,they just are not as forth coming with it.

Maybe you and your man can learn the technique I have wrote about above.There is a wealth of information in that post.You can even use this technique to masturbate with as a ladies fingers are about 3 inches long,this is enough to hit the G-spot.

Good luck I will check in here later.


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## Commited1 (Nov 13, 2009)

Atholk said:


> Ok I'll bite. Give an example of someone channelling sexual energy into something else that actually works long term.
> 
> 
> > A quick example is that when I was 21, (TWENTY ONE), I abstained from sex entirely for two years, I did not even masturbate. If you've read any of my other posts you'll see I have an incredibly high sex drive. That was a choice I made because I felt my drive was too high, and though I wasn't committed to anyone at that point, I felt my sex drive was influencing my decisions to the point of controlling my behavior. I stopped sex, and I quit smoking at the same time. I meditated ALLOT. I am a creative person and my creativity exploded, I composed a ton of guitar music, crafted a ton of sculpture, read ALLOT, got into religion..... the odd thing is this is when you get wet dreams, literally wet. As in you have sex in your dreams and reach orgasm. Weird.
> ...


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## gmailgirl (Aug 29, 2009)

Thanks _Mattie _for your kind words, _Tweak _for the new technique- I would explore those with my husband. 

The thing is I agree with both _Atholk _and _Committed _for their opinions. The sufferer only knows what the pain is like. To make it a bit clear, I have been following all the points _committed _is trying to make pretty much all my life - but there are certain times in life when one feels one can't do that anymore; in what hope that things would be different or my thirst would be quenched and I will feel satisfied. I have/had only one man in my life, and I feel a huge void in my desires. This problem is something that affects all aspects of one's life. When I was diagnosed BP II ; I was shocked to read about the people who have it- Thanks to my Indian cultural upbringing else I would have been a totally different person. The hyper-sexuality with BPII is clinically significant. One out of six people commit suicide (especially teens) as they cannot handle this enormous energy. Many become extremely creative and intellectuals, doctors, artists, writers and film makers and many end up in asylum. I have felt the stress being so strong on my mind that I feel I am actually going crazy. The resistance of a high sex drive person to a colleague's sex offer would be entirely different from a BPII person. For me to say NO to him was like mission to climb Mount Everest. He was and still shocked about my rejection; according to him a BPII person can never say NO to free sex. I am a energy manic and I very well know I don't want to be a sex manic/addict. 

So just wanted to make some points clear- Thanks everyone for your feedback and help. I guess I will have to find my own way. Medication is still not the best remedy for this problem (many side effects like hair loss, weight gain, complete loss of sex drive, loss in creativity and energy and because its a change is brain it changes your personality).

Thanks again for your feedback- I really appreciate your time and advice.


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

gmailgirl,

Just wanted to add - good luck with the meds etc....


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## Tweak (Nov 18, 2009)

Quote-"He was and still shocked about my rejection; according to him a BPII person can never say NO to free sex."

Thing is a he is a man saying this,a woman has other issues to think of and deals differently with these issues.Yes,you have a high sex drive as does this other guy,But women separate the emotional and physical aspects differently then men.Most guys can have sex with no emotional connections what so ever.Wham Bam
Women tend to lean more on the emotional aspect of it.Even with disorders like being Bipolar there are road blocks for you as a woman.Also note that if you were to go through with it and become sex buddies,these road blocks would become less then speed bumps.


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

I understand your pain. My wife told me that she had a healthy appetite for sex...but I found out after our wedding night that she didn't need sex again for a WEEK.

That's what masturbation is for.


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## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

This is a tough situation for you and I share some of your frustrations. It sounds like he's made some effort to get himself to last longer; is he not willing to continue trying? I hear the stop/start method is very effective over time. There are some threads here that talk about it. But I would think that if he continue to work on it he could last longer over time.

I am also sexually frustrated very often and could have sex every day (or multiple times a day) but usually get it once a week or so. So I undertstand what it's like to constantly feel like you're sexually frustrated! Masterbation helps but it's never quite the same... 

I can feel your pain and you're stronger then I. I honestly don't know if I would have the will power to turn down an offer of no strings attached sex. I think it's wrong and a mistake for sure but that doesn't mean it's not tempting and doesn't seem like a good idea in so many ways. Sometimes I feel a little crazy myself and wonder what's wrong with me. There are times I'm so horny I literally feel intoxicated or like I'm drugged and very out of sorts. But it's those times that if I had a woman offering sex to me I would jump at the chance. One of the very good reasons why I don't put myself into situations where that's likely to happen (i.e. bars, clubs, parties without my wife, etc).

Some good sex toys would probably help a lot, some dildos and vibrators. Get a variety for some different experiences by yourself. Also, have you tried incorporating a vibrator into your sex play with hubby? How about spending some time on foreplay and get yourself a good headstart with a vibrator so that you're very close to orgasm before you actually have intercourse? Then you can finish with him inside you and if needed continue to use the vibrator while you have sex. My wife will use that from time to time and can have some explosive orgasms from having intercourse and the clitoral stimulation of the vibrator at the same time.


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## Commited1 (Nov 13, 2009)

gmailgirl said:


> The thing is I agree with both _Atholk _and _Committed _for their opinions. The sufferer only knows what the pain is like. To make it a bit clear, I have been following all the points _committed _is trying to make pretty much all my life - but there are certain times in life when one feels one can't do that anymore; in what hope that things would be different or my thirst would be quenched and I will feel satisfied. I have/had only one man in my life, and I feel a huge void in my desires. This problem is something that affects all aspects of one's life. When I was diagnosed BP II ; I was shocked to read about the people who have it- Thanks to my Indian cultural upbringing else I would have been a totally different person. The hyper-sexuality with BPII is clinically significant. One out of six people commit suicide (especially teens) as they cannot handle this enormous energy. Many become extremely creative and intellectuals, doctors, artists, writers and film makers and many end up in asylum. I have felt the stress being so strong on my mind that I feel I am actually going crazy. The resistance of a high sex drive person to a colleague's sex offer would be entirely different from a BPII person. For me to say NO to him was like mission to climb Mount Everest. He was and still shocked about my rejection; according to him a BPII person can never say NO to free sex. I am a energy manic and I very well know I don't want to be a sex manic/addict.


Much of what you are saying is true for me as well, though I don't buy into diagnosis very much- for some people therapy helps, for others it just makes them 'functional' but suffering none the less. Two things for me- I had that creative explosion, my abstinence ended and I had managed to develop enough discipline to me merely polyamorous rather than just totally uncontrolled sexually compulsive. Then I met someone with the same drive as I have and we are monogamous but with an extremely intense and active sex life. Long term commitment to the goal of even libido management then being lucky (and selective) enough to find someone with the same drive. I fear we are both sex addicts and this causes some problems of its own. 

I want you to imagine a mate who could completely and totally satisfy you sexually, actually push you to your physical limit. For as good as that might seem, minus the libido management, there would also be serious problems (like I have with my wife at times). When we argue, the anger peaks, and we are both so turned on by the emotional intensity that we end up having some pretty crazy sex instead of talking through the problem in an open and honest discourse. It is possible to have so much sex with someone that it becomes the primary means of communication with that person. Sounds really weird, but it happens. And its not nearly as emotionally satisfying as actually just talking it out and resolving the issue as intellectual, emotional and spiritual partners. In fact, in this situation a certain amount of intimacy is lacking, the pure physicality becomes a barrier to it. 

I am not sure how this would fit into the context of your spirituality but something that can help is tantric yoga, working towards tantric sexual yoga. It is a discipline, more of a spiritual discipline than a sexual discipline, but it can allow you to manage your sex drive without abstaining from sex. Likewise it can open a person sexually who does not have such a high sex drive, because the point in its self is not simply 'sex'. 



> So just wanted to make some points clear- Thanks everyone for your feedback and help. I guess I will have to find my own way. Medication is still not the best remedy for this problem (many side effects like hair loss, weight gain, complete loss of sex drive, loss in creativity and energy and because its a change is brain it changes your personality).
> 
> Thanks again for your feedback- I really appreciate your time and advice.


You are so welcome. I would suggest again, researching tantra and seeing what you think.


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## gmailgirl (Aug 29, 2009)

Thanks so much _Mike _and _Committed_ - I will find more info about tantric yoga. One problem is my husband avoids talking about this subject at all as he feels uncomfortable and is sensitive. I have tried to persuade him politely to try various techniques, but he is in denial. It's been six years trying to convince him and I have literally given up. Well I hope it gets better in future. He is a really nice responsible and positive guy but very reserved as he is from an extremely conservative family where they never talk about sex. They think women should not be so open about sex. I too am from India but I think we are completely opposite mates that way.

_Committed _ and other high sex drive people; Just want to make sure if you feel this way what I have written below-I have experienced all these things since teens. For sanity check is it my imagination that I am bipolar or it is factual-

[/I]Bipolar means extreme emotions - extreme passion -high energy - the way bipolar people enjoy music and art, they feel it to the nerves - need for speed is common- they cannot control emotions; have impulsive attitude, high anger, stress and unmanageable energy. They are extremely ambitious and think of imaginary achievements like being a prime-minister or a powerful person. They have tele-kinetic dreams in which they can fly , stop bullets and do anything. Manic (high energy and anger)attacks are very common especially in mornings. There are varying degrees to it - Bipolar 1 pretty much ends up in suicide or asylum unless they take medication such as lithium etc. BPII is milder but still a serious problem. We get attracted to opposite/ same sex very quickly. Crushes and obsessions are pretty common. One with BPII have to be very balanced and cautious about friends, family and anything that triggers stress. Sex calms them down as they release energy and stress, that's why they seek orgasm. Having sex 5-6 times everyday is common. It is not so much about romance but more so about intercourse to release energy and to feel relaxed, so having it with anyone is acceptable to them.

I cannot cheat and lie. Thats why I am telling you if I were not from India (conservative family)- I would be a different person. I have kept my marriage going successfully for 6 years and teens into education. My brother has a higher libido than me thats why he prays a lot, not necessarily religious but into spiritual stuff to control his anger and energy. My dad knew it (not the diagnosis) so he brought us up in such a way. He was a scientist , a really smart one and into sprituality. My sis is also into social work and spiritual stuff. They all are extremely emotional and helpful people but there is another side to the personality which is crazy where they are capable of doing anything, so they control it. I am very spiritual too which helps a lot to have peace. People don't understand, only the sufferer knows the pain. That's why suicides are common. One of my bipolar female friend had 5-6 boyfriends at one time; and she tried to commit suicide many times. I judged her to be a bad person, but later she was diagnosed with BP. She is on medication now leading a healthy life. To be honest I have thought about dying but haven't tried to commit suicide.

I have been ignorant about all these aspects of my life, till my colleague offered me sex. I was shocked as I consider myself a homely, educated and decent woman. But he saw the signs. morning manic/anger energy attacks and crying spells etc. He leads a dual life. A decent husband at home and another side hunting other women at work and streets without any guilt. He expected the same from me. Then I went to the doc to get myself checked. 

Life has revealed and opened my eyes to suffering of many people who have done crazy things and we judge them harshly without knowing what they are going through. Why do you think many women/ men choose to be prostitutes - Money is not the only reason. Violence is so common in homes and street. 

Sorry if I sound strange but I am exploring this aspect of humanity. I hope with time and this knowledge I would be able to do something for the society. That is how I want to focus my energy; it is tough but I will keep fighting.

Thanks for hearing me out.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Well, that huge need for sex of yours (sex drive) is purely mental in my opinion. Physically you're probably fine with masturbating even once a week. Go a bit deeper, there's something else that's bothering you. 

Thing is, the more you want your husband to satisfy you...and the more you figure you can't have it...the more you'll want it. It will become from something you can live with just fine, something frustrating and then turn into an obsession. 

Another thing about you is that you use sex to blow off steam (i can relate to this). Not getting it gets you even more frustrated and you don't get a release either. Find something else to blow off steam. You as a person are complex...not as simple as 'only sex for blowing off steam' 'only apples for dinner etc'. Every time you want/need sex, stop, find something relaxing to do and do it. Seriously. People have urges and needs, they aren't meant to supress them, but as a previous poster said, people can be happy with alternatives. 

As mentioned before, something is missing for you, a good emotional connection with your husband, another way to loose the stress in your life...something...You not reaching and orgasm with your husband also probably frustrates you as hell (this is for a reason too, not just because of the release - maybe along the lines of - he's the man you chose and you can't believe you can't share that experience with him that makes you feel truly connected to him. If so, try figure out if you can ask him to hold you while you make yourself orgasm..just an idea).

Leave the frustration and start asking yourself questions...why this bothers you so much, how you could fix it etc. Another man isn't a solution. Say you did that...for two months...and then you stoped. What then? The problem will still be there. When you have a problem in your marriage you either fix it or leave...having a double life will bring you more misery than the lack of sex does now. Introspection never hurt anyone, it usually helps a lot actually. 

Good luck to you.


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## gmailgirl (Aug 29, 2009)

Nekko you are absolutely right. It's not so much about sex - but the anxiety and energy that stresses me out, and I keep looking for a release, which my husband cannot provide. It's a mood disorder - where one feels depressed or too happy for no reason. The brain works that way so one feels stressed out. Between these ups and downs the creative imagination comes into play.

There is definitely an emotional connection with my husband; I love him a lot and vice versa but he cannot help me in that way. The funny thing is in the beginning of my marriage when I felt this way I kept thinking it will go away with time and I will feel better- and I have such a creative passionate career to look forward to, channelize this energy. But to my surprise it kept growing over time. At this point I feel I am carrying a volcano of emotions inside me. 

I don't lust for other men, but I do want to feel relaxed. Observing my colleague, I don't think he was having a crush/attracted to me, he just assumed I know how it feels and we can help each other. 

I do get random crushes on other men - sometimes so strong that can keep me occupied for months -day and night dreaming. I don't know what is bothering me anymore, other than I am not at peace. I have cried at work, gave crappy performance, changed jobs but peace isn't there. Only spirituality and faith helps me keep going. But in terms of love and money, I feel I am sufficient. May be doing social work around would help. or being a mother could suffice that void that I have been feeling for years. 

Sometimes I think suppressing my desires for many years has led me to this point in life that nothing works. Thats how Eastern culture works - and I can see so many family members of mine who are so unhappy and frustrated in life as all they do is suppress themselves to keep the family going. In western culture at least they feel free to try new things to see what works for them and openly discuss sexual problems.


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## Commited1 (Nov 13, 2009)

gmailgirl said:


> Thanks so much _Mike _and _Committed_ - I will find more info about tantric yoga. One problem is my husband avoids talking about this subject at all as he feels uncomfortable and is sensitive. I have tried to persuade him politely to try various techniques, but he is in denial. It's been six years trying to convince him and I have literally given up. Well I hope it gets better in future. He is a really nice responsible and positive guy but very reserved as he is from an extremely conservative family where they never talk about sex. They think women should not be so open about sex. I too am from India but I think we are completely opposite mates that way.


Yes, please look into Tantra. It is saved me allot of grief and allowed me to better manage my drive. If you are both willing to commit to doing what it takes to make it work, it will work. 



> _Committed _ and other high sex drive people; Just want to make sure if you feel this way what I have written below-I have experienced all these things since teens. For sanity check is it my imagination that I am bipolar or it is factual-
> 
> _Bipolar means extreme emotions - extreme passion -high energy - the way bipolar people enjoy music and art, they feel it to the nerves - need for speed is common- they cannot control emotions; have impulsive attitude, high anger, stress and unmanageable energy. They are extremely ambitious and think of imaginary achievements like being a prime-minister or a powerful person. They have tele-kinetic dreams in which they can fly , stop bullets and do anything. Manic (high energy and anger)attacks are very common especially in mornings. There are varying degrees to it - Bipolar 1 pretty much ends up in suicide or asylum unless they take medication such as lithium etc. BPII is milder but still a serious problem. We get attracted to opposite/ same sex very quickly. Crushes and obsessions are pretty common. One with BPII have to be very balanced and cautious about friends, family and anything that triggers stress. Sex calms them down as they release energy and stress, that's why they seek orgasm. Having sex 5-6 times everyday is common. It is not so much about romance but more so about intercourse to release energy and to feel relaxed, so having it with anyone is acceptable to them._


_

Do not self-diagnose. Do not think you are Bi-Polar. Even if a psychiatrist diagnosed you as Bi-Polar, the way in which you were informed of the condition would fit within the context of your treatment plan. Psychological diagnosis is incredibly tricky, even for the best psychiatrists, and really it is not an exact science by any means. 

Without going into a diatribe, in this day and age most of us lack a really solid feeling of who we are, a solid sense of identity.
So people go to the diagnosis because it is 'scientific' and we are taught that science has all the answers. That is something you might want to discuss with you husband, even in a really general way. You'd be suprised how productive those kinds of conversations can be. 

Ok, I fit allot of what you described above as BPII and I always have. Super high sex drive and energy and anger in the morning, orgasm releases stress, but I most certainly would not do it with 'just anybody'. I don't think I am Bi-polar and even if I was diagnosed as Bi-Polar I don't think I would put enough credibility into the term its self to allow it to affect my self-image. 




I cannot cheat and lie. Thats why I am telling you if I were not from India (conservative family)- I would be a different person.

Click to expand...

 There is your cultural identity kicking in. Good. You need to drink more from that well and less from the 'diagnosis' well. 




I have kept my marriage going successfully for 6 years and teens into education. My brother has a higher libido than me thats why he prays a lot, not necessarily religious but into spiritual stuff to control his anger and energy. My dad knew it (not the diagnosis) so he brought us up in such a way. He was a scientist , a really smart one and into sprituality. My sis is also into social work and spiritual stuff. They all are extremely emotional and helpful people but there is another side to the personality which is crazy where they are capable of doing anything, so they control it.

Click to expand...

There it is. Some of the best 'helpers' are those who have had serious issues and have been able to help themselves or at least manage their issues. 

On a side I really really like the kinds of people you are describing as being in your family. They are multi-faceted, deep, interesting and self-controled. Thats the thing. A person with no real strong drive can easily excersize self-control because they are not controling much. You do not fear the bite of the dog who has no teeth. You do not always respect him though you may love him. There is no risk to patting his fur. 

People who have a lion or wolf inside though, and are able to keep the beast from devouring their lives....these are the people I like the most. Intimacy with these these kinds of people is like learning how to pet their inner lion or lioness, to stroke her fur, to lie with her safely. To feel the warm beat of that dangerous heart, while also admiring the sharpness of the claws, the teeth, the fire in her eyes... That is romance and beauty! At least to me it is. 




I am very spiritual too which helps a lot to have peace. People don't understand, only the sufferer knows the pain. That's why suicides are common. One of my bipolar female friend had 5-6 boyfriends at one time; and she tried to commit suicide many times. I judged her to be a bad person, but later she was diagnosed with BP. She is on medication now leading a healthy life. To be honest I have thought about dying but haven't tried to commit suicide.

Click to expand...

I do not know your religion but I highly recommend you embrace it as an individual and initiate/reinforce a personal connection with your diety. 

Some people need medication to put that inner beast to sleep, or to keep it dull and lethargic. That doesn't make them bad people, as you've said, they do what they need to survive. Take my advice with a grain of salt again, but I don't think you need medication. If you do, you do and that is ok. I hate to see a blazing fire of passion be damped down to barely glowing embers, but it is far better than the fire being snuffed out altogether by suicide. 




I have been ignorant about all these aspects of my life, till my colleague offered me sex. I was shocked as I consider myself a homely, educated and decent woman. But he saw the signs. morning manic/anger energy attacks and crying spells etc. He leads a dual life. A decent husband at home and another side hunting other women at work and streets without any guilt. He expected the same from me. Then I went to the doc to get myself checked.

Click to expand...

Your co-worker needs to get himself under control because his actions affect far more than himself personally. 




Life has revealed and opened my eyes to suffering of many people who have done crazy things and we judge them harshly without knowing what they are going through. Why do you think many women/ men choose to be prostitutes - Money is not the only reason. Violence is so common in homes and street.

Click to expand...

I think you are on a personal journey through life and for some of us it is harder because the colors are richer, the lust is so much stronger, the joy is greater, and the pain is so much more biting and intense. I would encourage you to explore this new avenue that you have been opened to (I don't mean extramarital sex!), and to attempt to share this as much as you can with your husband. It doesn't have to be all about sex. 




Sorry if I sound strange but I am exploring this aspect of humanity. I hope with time and this knowledge I would be able to do something for the society. That is how I want to focus my energy; it is tough but I will keep fighting.

Thanks for hearing me out.

Click to expand...

No apologies needed! In fact, I definitely appreciate that you have shared your unique and interesting perspective through the lens of your own situation. You have looked your own inner tigress in the eye and it left you a little shaken and also a little stimulated. You should encounter her more, get to know and build a relationship with her. Do not reject her or supress her, that is how she can gain control over you. Like I said, accept her and build that relationship. That relationship can lead to both her satisfaction, her managmanet, and your own greatly increases happiness and contenment with life. 

Now maybe that sounds strange! In any case, good luck and bear in mind it is better to befriend and manage the beast than it is to rip out its teeth, pull out its claws and keep it in a constant drugged out stupor. 

All the best to you and your family!_


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

gmailgirl said:


> Please advice. I have been happily married for past 6 years except for sex part. Me and my husband met when we were students, he is a kind and affectionate man but has a very low libido. On the other hand I have an extremely high libido (sex 2 times a day) I have bipolar 2 and people with that are extremely hyper-sexual, outgoing, dynamic and ambitious. It is a genetic disorder as I can see that with my brother, sister and father too. However I am hardworking with successful career and a positive personality but sex is always on my mind. Divorce for sex doesn't seem right to me as I really love him and he loves me. I have been suppressing my desires for past six years. He has tried exercising and other methods to boost testosterone levels but it doesn't help.
> 
> My office colleague has similar problem, he has bipolar 2 and his wife has low libido. He asked me if we could help each other and keep our marriages working. He has a little boy and a wife whom he really loves.
> 
> Is this something that people do(?) and if anyone is experienced can they throw some light on how I can solve this problem. I am not at peace with this. I don't bother my husband too much as I know he is very sensitive and he can not satisfy me even if he tries. I don't know what else to do. I don't know how will I spend my life like that. Can someone give me a positive advice and not be judgmental?


It is good that you are open to discussing your sexual thoughts and feeling on forums like this, but the goal is to get you having this same conversation with your husband.

Be careful as to these thoughts of sex outside marriage, it is easy for one of your crushes to be on the wrong man, a man with a selfish heart and knowing if you are interested to take advantage of you. There is emotional attachments to sex on deep levels, and even men experience this but are prepared to dismiss it and move on if they are of low character and do not respect themselves. This will usually make the woman think something fundamentally wrong with herself and seek out often more emotionally destructive ways to reassure herself of her worth.

Be assured your husband is feeling the pressure to perform, and it is not uncommon for many good men of religious backgrounds to suppress their sexual urges thinking they are unclean, or even that he is doing you a favor by not thinking of you sexually. This is a good reason to be critical of aspects of any religion that denies the truth about human beings, that we are sexual creatures and our emotional happiness and sexual happiness flow from the same wellspring.

The honest truth is your husband needs to own up to his responsibility to take care of your needs. This is typically not going to happen in 5 minutes of traditional sex missionary style.

He needs to embrace your sexuality as a journey, to discover what it is that you respond to deeply, to investigate the oral clitoris ways to consistency produce an intense orgasm after 20 minutes or so at least once a day if you desire it, the finger on g-spot ways to stimulate multiple deep orgasms, sometimes this takes 15 minutes sometimes it is much sooner and these orgasms are not like clitoris since they can be had one after the other and you will not get "too sensitive" and need to stop. Even to simply massage your private areas with no expectation of orgasm will emotionally connect you to your husband, and him to you, in ways you would never expect. 

The sexual relationship is a mirror and the foundation of a man and womans entire relationship, sexual fantasies show us what we are missing or needing in our whole relationships, and unfullfilled sexual needs rob us of our most vital and deepest communication with the one we love, need, and trust the most, communication that is deeper and older than even mere words and language humans have recently invented.

I wish you well.


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## gmailgirl (Aug 29, 2009)

This is such an incredible advice. I am speechless. 

Committed – Thank you so much; your each word is full of wisdom, positivism and encouragement. You have explained everything so well as if you know me personally. I sincerely appreciate the pointers you have given me. I will make my brother and sister also read this as they would also learn something special from your note. I think I have been looking for someone to guide me in such a way. I feel driven to change things in every aspect of my life. I will definitely try tantric yoga for both me and my husband to help our sex life. 

BigBadwolf- Thanks for the insight into extra marital relationship. I somehow knew this in my heart that’s why I never pursued it; but I won’t deny that cheating did cross my mind. Your advice has made me sure that I would never go in that direction. I will make my husband realize that he has to help me. I think couple sex therapy should help, as he doesn’t take me too seriously; and doesn’t understand how I feel. You are right about the religious background- he does feel unclean about exploring sexuality which is hurting our relationship. 

Thanks so much again- You guys are amazing! 
Best wishes!


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## Commited1 (Nov 13, 2009)

gmailgirl said:


> Committed – Thank you so much; your each word is full of wisdom, positivism and encouragement. You have explained everything so well as if you know me personally. I sincerely appreciate the pointers you have given me. I will make my brother and sister also read this as they would also learn something special from your note. I think I have been looking for someone to guide me in such a way. I feel driven to change things in every aspect of my life. I will definitely try tantric yoga for both me and my husband to help our sex life.


Why thank you. I think your situation resonates with me because I know so many people like you, they are my friends, my family, my wife- her inner beast simply drips with sensuality and a kind of intense emotionality that I cannot even describe but can't help but to feel pulse through every nerve in my body every time our eyes meet. There is a divine spark in the eyes of some people that other think of as an indication of madness (lol). I am drawn to that. 

If you are interested in psychological articulation of your condition and the human condition in general, I would suggest (as I would to everyone!) Joseph Campbell and CG Jung (analytical psychology) instead of the kinds of stale, over-medicated, cut and paste behavior modification techniques that have been developed over the past 30 years, techniques which are far more oriented around the bottom line of the insurance companies (who pay the psychologists) than they are around the well being and actual psychological vigor of the individual under going treatment. 

Again, bless you and good luck!


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## Tweak (Nov 18, 2009)

quote-"I cannot cheat and lie. Thats why I am telling you if I were not from India (conservative family)"

Western people have the same problems.Its not just Eastern people.
In fact alot of the techniques we as Western people embrace are from the ancient Eastern writings.India in particular is famous for these writings.

You are "horny" and "unfulfilled".
Ask yourself this question.If the roles were reversed with your husband.And he had sex and did not orgasm.Would he feel fulfilled?
Then gently ask him this question face to face.Tell him you chose to spend your life with him and him alone.Tell him you need him to help you achieve orgasm's.Sex is a two way street.
If you need to put it bluntly,some men NEED to be told bluntly.
Tell him you are unsatisfied,and need to Orgasm with him to be happy.
He is really the one at fault in my eyes.
A man has a obligation to fulfill his wife's sexual needs,if he does not the wife will be in no different a situation then the husband who does not get sex and cheats.He is causing resentment in you,almost forcing you on the Primal Animal level to look to other men to fulfill your needs.
Your flesh is telling you that you need skin to skin contact and pleasure,you spirit keeps you true to your husband in hopes he figures this out.
He needs to HEAR you when you tell him this,and UNDERSTAND what you say.Do not discuss this when you are fighting with him over something.People never hear what the spouse is saying/yelling in the middle of a fight.They need to have a sit down heart to heart talk.

I truly feel it is sinful for a man to ignore a woman's need for sexual release.It goes to show the social narrow minded thought that has plagued this world for ages.
Women need to cum,for emotional well being,just like a Man does.
If you do not,you are NOT in your right mind.Its almost like a different person lives inside you.A split personality so to speak.

I applaud the OP for not cheating,you avoided a bad train wreck.You and Husband need to talk and maybe some therapy for him to deal with his inhibitions with sex.He is married and has a responsibility to make you happy. 

Wish you the best of luck,keep us informed how it goes.


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## gmailgirl (Aug 29, 2009)

My apologies for the statement 
"I cannot cheat and lie. Thats why I am telling you if I were not from India (conservative family)"

I didn't mean to say Western people don't have similar problems. In fact I feel fortunate to be a part of the Western Civilization. I have learned so much and would continue to do so in such an intellectual and educated environment. I wish people in India could take this knowledge from here and we could have less religious problems and women could feel happier, satisfied and equal to men. 

Thanks again all- I will keep you posted.


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## Tweak (Nov 18, 2009)

@gmailgirl-We are glad to have you in the western part of the world. 

It is good to know people from all back grounds as it educates people and helps to let people understand we are all the same no matter what back grounds or physical differences may be present.

This old world has seen way to much resentment between nationalities.Its sad.

I always hope for a better future for not just my Kids but the whole of the world.

I was talking to my wife and told her your story.
She was upset for you.She said you need to talk to him.
I think that if you and your husband can start having quality sex in which you start being satisfied it would do loads to your mood,self esteem and emotional well being.
Walking around unsatisfied sexually leads to all kinds of resentment and even the possibility of cheating.You end up doing things that are out of character and not really you.Especially if you truly are Bipolar.You end up having so much sexual energy that it feels it will burst from you.

Good luck


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## Commited1 (Nov 13, 2009)

gmailgirl said:


> My apologies for the statement
> I cannot cheat and lie. Thats why I am telling you if I were not from India (conservative family)"
> 
> I didn't mean to say Western people don't have same problems. In fact I feel fortunate to be a part of the Western Civilization. I have learned so much and would continue to do so in such an intellectual and educated environment. I wish people in India could take this knowledge from here and would have less religious riots and women would feel happier, satisfied and equal to men.
> ...


Personally, I don't think there is any need to apologize. Different cultures have different attitudes and tolerances concerning sex and what marriage means. India is more conservative in these areas than most of the western world, especially western europe. That is just a fact. This is coming from an American of northern european descent with absolutely no indian in his line. 

Cultural heritage is an important part of a person identity and the make up of their personality. Do not be ashamed or hesitate to embrace yours or place some of the origins for your own conservatism in your heritage. It is a good thing.


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## gmailgirl (Aug 29, 2009)

--------------------------


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## Commited1 (Nov 13, 2009)

sorry to hear this. I know you have already been told this, but he has to commit to making your marriage work and that means commiting to managing problems. This is a problem, and it looks like he is not really commited to working with you at managing it. 

Fair is totally relative term, imo. People do it allot. It is ok, imo, if it is consensual and both people do it. 

That is a really hard question. The easy answer (for me) is that I wouldn't have gotten seriously involved wiith a woman that didn't have a high drive to begin with. To try and answer your question (say maybe her drive completely dieed off)....

I hate to say this and maybe will change my mind after I put more thought into it but I would probably find sexual satisfation elsewhere. I would NOT allow anything to devolve into a romantic affair and would keep it as anonymous with the OW as possible. 

To ask once more: Does he understand how important this issue is to your marriage and that it is on the brink of collapse because of it? If he does not understand that, you need to tell him in no uncertain terms. 

A few months ago I was neglecting my wife in terms of attention, time I spent with her, not wanting to talk and stuff. She ended up getting things from some man online that lives in another state and it developed into her having feelings for him. That is what brought me to this forum and is something we are both working on (she broke off contact with him, we are working and healing together and things sseem and feel pretty good). 

IF she had told me that she would get what she needed from another man if I failed to be even willing to really commit to working on providing her with what she needed, I would have changed my tune 100% and would have gave her the attention and time she needs. We both really regret that I did not give the attention she needs and that she did not deal with that in a productive way. 

Yes, your husband needs a wakeup call.


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## gmailgirl (Aug 29, 2009)

_Committed _-I appreciate your response, and apologize for asking that question. If I knew about my high sex drive or had more insight I would have never made the mistake to marry my husband. It took me 2 years after marriage to realize that I have a huge problem. I kept channelizing my energy into my ambition the whole time and ignored my needs, which is now costing me big time. In spite of my career achievements I am unhappy and now unable to continue to perform well. I don't have any creative ideas in my work anymore. My brain is occupied with my body needs.

I think I should tell him about the office colleague - May be that would hurt him or make him realize that how serious I am. I think the problem is that if someone doesn't know or feel what HUNGER is like - then probably he would not be able to give in their best to fulfill the other person's needs in the same way. It’s biology.

Every time I try to talk to him about Tantric yoga - he makes fun that now you want me to turn into a tantric (the Indian baba). I told him I am not going to sleep with you if you don't try to work on that - but he laughs and hugs me to get away from that subject. He completely trusts me and takes me for granted that I would never do anything to hurt him or our marriage (which comes as a part of Indian tradition in marriage)

I have tried every way - I try to give him a nice erotic massage or BJ in morning or after bath he starts with I am not in the mood. I am pretty sure he is not involved with anyone else. He is just not a sexual person. I have been blind  now it’s costing me. He thinks making good money and a luxurious and stable life is the most important thing. He gets over with 2 minute missionary sex once in a week during weekend just to get away with it, and not to give me a chance to say that he didn’t initiate sex. 

Also is I am fully aware that I cannot get involved with any other male friend/colleague as it will destroy this marriage. I won't be able to handle the pressure of deceiving him and I have no control over my emotions.

I have a deity, I chant mantras to which helps. 

Sometimes when I am with my friends and parties or groups I feel blood racing through my nerves - I feel so much energy/heat running through me -I have to literally chant mantras to control my behavior. It is a bit fitful; my favorite subject to talk revolves around sex. That sometimes gives an idea to other people that I am too open about sex. The reality is different. It is becoming more and more difficult for me to control my feelings anymore. Am I going crazy? Can I win this with will power? Is this the test of life for me? Is this experience motivating me to do something about these miseries of life? And contribute or help people to feel better?

And I just started reading "The analytical psychology" which is a great insight! 

Thanks for hearing me out...


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## Commited1 (Nov 13, 2009)

gmailgirl, 

I will post a better reply a little later, but what is up with this thread? Some editing going on lol, not sure why though.


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## gmailgirl (Aug 29, 2009)

I had deleted that message - I thought it was too personal and unfair to ask you that question-sorry about that.


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

Buy toys and ask your husband to use them on you. Most men find it hard to resist joining in after a wife has her O. Knowing he satisfied you will increase his libido enormously.

Just make it part of your bedtime routine. You get an O every night, at your husband's hands, he can choose how but you get yours every night.

Good luck.

Any affair will be discovered sooner or later. Bad idea.


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## Commited1 (Nov 13, 2009)

gmailgirl said:


> I had deleted that message - I thought it was too personal and unfair to ask you that question-sorry about that.


No problem, I like difficult questions.


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## gmailgirl (Aug 29, 2009)

I am angry - and I need to vent-

Why men want to have sex with women open about their sexuality but marry virgins? 

Why do we have names like "S**T" or "W***E" etc. for women and wonder why can't I recall any for men?

Why men who marry so called "virgin" "traditional" "decent" "sober" women later realize in life they can't get enough?

Why for centuries in every culture/country women have to be dominated? Where did it begin? How can we balance/better it?

Why can't society accept that high sex drive or being sexual for men/women is biological/ brain chemicals and not from society, culture, traditions and why is it considered inappropriate or indecent? 

Why sex is considered sin in so many cultures?

Why do people enjoy watching sexy women on TV and movies and pass judgment on them in real life? Is it because they are jealous that they can't have her or that they can't look like her? 

Why do we have dragging sexless marriages? 

Why can’t people understand that SEX is a huge part of marriage; and I guess that’s why we marry else we have friends right? Why can’t wives or husband understand that it is their duty no matter what to satisfy their partner needs if not with intercourse then with mouth? If it sounds so ugly then why marry find a room-mate?

Why can’t husband wife understand that cheating is always going to create distance between them and eventually emotional disaster?

Why can’t people understand marriage is going to be hard-work no matter how charming it seems especially with kids?

I was a virgin when I got married and I have a huge sex drive and I look and appear sexual no matter what I wear or hide. I have huge breast and slimmer body biologically. Men are attracted to me not because I invite them - it's how I appear to them- full of life and warmth. But why is it when my in-laws are here I have to be quiet and pretend to be someone else; someone who is considered traditional, decent and homely girl as per their liking. I am not showing off my cleavage or doing anything in-appropriate but still what I don't get is why people B*T*H about other (sexual) women and judge them so easily. 

I want to make my in-laws happy but, am I not being dishonest about hiding who I am? Am I doing this to please them out of duty/traditions/respect or to avoid chaos at home?

Why talking about sex with your own children in an educated way is also a taboo- If they won't guide me then who will?

Why in my 6 year marriage this is the first time I am asking my husband to give me orgasm or atleast try to give me orgasm?The whole architecture of our marriage is sex ends when male has orgasm. I bet for many centuries or atleast in my immediate family women don't even know if they ever had orgasm. They all seem so stressed out and find happiness in shopping expensive jewelery.

I read books; and consider myself educated and have some intellect in my thoughts and profession but why is it that women in every society and culture have to prove their character and worth. Why can't I be accepted with what I am born with?

What is the truth? Does it even exist anymore? I am confused about what is the right thing to do?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You ask a lot of questions!

Seems to me that you are in a period of growth in how you feel about life and your own happiness. And this is a good thing.

If you feel locked into a way of being that has taken centuries to become the way of things, then you have a lot to do to get free of that.

At minimum you have to start speaking up for yourself in all things. Be it sexual satisfaction or your role in your family, your culture.

If that is frowned upon or it risks your health, I can see your reticence and frustration.


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## kansasman (Dec 20, 2009)

Hello
it took me a while to go over your posts. my wife and I born and raised in Bangladesh. we moved to this country 9 years ago. 
I'm 34 and she 31 both have Phd and raising 2 kids
we are both polar and we understand what you are going through. my wife has more drive than me. I couldn't keep up with my wife. so we suggested to try it with another woman in room as 3 way. and from there situation improved. then we tried it with another married couples from the same regions. we both are very satisfied.
to just let you know. we both are from conservative families and both were virgins. 
have you thought about doing it with another woman, since it considered less cheating? or have you talked to your husband about it?


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## gmailgirl (Aug 29, 2009)

Threesome etc is out of question. As I mentioned before sex is a taboo in our society and I am suffering because of that. Moreover I think I won't be comfortable with that. I have controlled myself so much and for so long that I don't want to open can of worms and be dis-oriented with new experimentations with new partners.

I am asking my husband to use different ways to help me but it happens rarely. sex is the least priority in our family/society and believe it or not it is the main reason for the problems in our married lives which gets worst with time and becomes hopeless. 

I am sorry about the message above - I feel things in our lives can be positive only when we work towards making ourselves better.


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## kansasman (Dec 20, 2009)

you dont have to be sorry. 
going to a three may be will encourage your husband and turn his libo high. I assume the reason that your husband might have a low libo is that because he is bored from daily routine (i'm not saying he dont love you)
May be experiment with let us say another with another woman will increase the edge in your husband and both be satisfied for having different things. 
and may be experiment with other couples. this way are doing it in front of each others and turn off the fire inside you. 
there is nothing wrong with you. you are a normal person and your needs are normal. 
like i said before we are coming from same conservative families.
you said you asked your husband different way, what do you mean different way?


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## gmailgirl (Aug 29, 2009)

Thanks Kansasman..

I asked him to follow Tweak's advice above to use hand technique for G-spot orgasm- We would never be comfortable with another man or woman. It's just the way things are - If I were not so reserved myself I would have taken up the colleague's offer- as need is need right - 

I am just hoping and praying nothing happens with me in future. I don't want to have crush on someone -it's just so painful to control emotions when they are obsessive..

My H is definitely not bored with me- I am very cheerful and lively and so is he- we enjoy each other's company very much - in fact he is crazy about me but he simply has a low libido - which is a problem. 

Alex - I will incorporate more toys in our sex - that should help-


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## gmailgirl (Aug 29, 2009)

Can someone suggest a good book for Tantric Yoga? Also some tips to channelize sexual energy would be highly appreciated! Has someone achieved that through different means? Can they throw some light?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

This one is a good start:

Red Hot Tantra: Erotic Secrets of Red Tantra for Intimate, Soul-to-Soul Sex and Ecstatic, Enlightened Orgasms

by David Alan Ramsdale 


or 

Tantric Secrets for Men: What Every Woman Will Want Her Man to Know about Enhancing Sexual Ecstasy 

by Kerry Riley


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## gmailgirl (Aug 29, 2009)

Thanks Michzz.. I will get those.


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