# Does He Still Care



## answerseeker321 (Feb 12, 2018)

Hi gentlemen. I want a man's perspective. My husband works full time and goes to school part time. In a typical week: from Monday to Thursday he leaves work at 4pm and goes to school and classes end at 9pm. He gets home around 9:45 or sometimes as late as 11pm if he stays behind after class. On Fridays, work ends at around 4 and he doesn't have any classes on Fridays. Usually I've been missing him all week by the time Friday rolls around because I hardly get to spend any time with him. After work and class he usually comes home tired and either goes straight to bed or goes to the living room to watch a movie or two and then he comes to bed after I'm asleep. 

So on Fridays I know he doesn't have class so every week I hope he'll come home fairly early so we can have some quality time and every week I'm disappointed because he never does. He stays back at work to socialise with his coworkers and sometimes they go out afterwards and he still doesn't get home until around 10pm. I let him know that I miss him and that it bothers me that he doesn't make any time for us but he never does anything to change. At one point I asked him for over a year to take me out and he never made a single plan to take me on a date. We've been married for two years now and besides my last birthday he's never planned a date for us since we started living together 6 months before we got married. Ever. The birthday before the last one I planned it myself. 

Anyway this past Friday he didn't come home early from work yet again. I decided that I wasn't going to call him. He sent me a message at 10:24pm to say he was out with friends and then another at 3:02am to say he was at a party. He didn't tell me before that he was planning to go out and stay out late. He just went straight from work and told me while he was already out. I finally dozed off and when I woke up around 7am he still wasn't home. Long story short. I got really worried. I called him repeatedly with no answer. I went to his office because he usually goes to work on Saturday mornings too and he wasn't there. I called 911, I went to the police station to report him missing and then at about 11:37am I got a message from his female manager at work asking me to call her urgently. 

It turned out that the police had raided the bar he was at in the wee hours of the morning and detained a bunch of guys and had them at a police station outside the city we live in. He isn't involved in any kind of criminal activity. He was just in a shady area at the wrong hour of the day and got caught in a police raid. 

My husband had been given a few seconds to make a phone call before the police officer took his cellphone from him and he decided that instead of calling me, his wife, he was going to call his boss who sent me a Facebook message to say I should call her urgently. (I'm not even friends with her on Facebook and she doesn't even use her real name on Facebook so it's a wonder I actually opened the message.) 

I had to find out about my husband's whereabouts from another woman after I spent the entire morning worrying and crying and talking to the police while my parents who had left their home to come and drive me around looking for him (my husband and I share a car and he had it) tried to comfort me. 

I'm so hurt I can't express it. Why did he call her and not me? Why did he never make time to spend with me? He claims he called his manager because she knows a police officer who he hoped would be able to get him out sooner. Never mind the fact that my sister's husband is a high ranking police officer. He didn't remember that. He just called her while I worried and cried all morning. 

What do you men think about all this? When I tell him that I don't think he loves me or cares about it relationship he says "Hun, you know I love you" and "I come home to you every night" but his actions don't say he wants me. We have sex one week a month - the week after my period. Maybe 4 or 5 times in that one week but otherwise he rarely approaches me and he used to frequently reject me when I approached him so I don't really do that much anymore. Hoping a few ppl read to the end. I just wanted to give as much info as possible.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Hes showing you who he really is . Believe him.

My best advice is to send him packing.

Sorry. Better to find out sooner rather than later!


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

It doesn't sound like he cares at all. In fact, he could be messing around on the side. Do you spend any time together on the weekends?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Your husband is lousy if he goes out to bars and never spends time with you. If he goes our with friends and doesntvwantvto be with you----- not much to say....

Turns you down for sex? Wow

I personally think he is chasing women, and has zero interest in you


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Sounds like a louse of a husband to me. He needs to have his ass at home and not out partying like a single guy, because that's exactly what he's acting like, a single guy.

Pack his **** up in trash bags and leave them on the sidewalk the next time he's not home at a decent hour on Friday. You deserve better, so start demanding better. He says he loves you, tell him to shut it up and start acting that way. Actions speak a lot louder than words.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I know you asked for male advice, but I don't think I need to be a man to tell you that he has zero love or respect for you.

And I don't think you need anyone here to tell you that really. You're experiencing this first hand - don't you believe what is actually happening to you?

There are only 2 reasons I can see that he'd call his female boss over you.

1) He was ashamed to call his wife. 
2) He's banging or at the least has a very close and inappropriate relationship with his boss. The kind of relationship where he'd rather call her than his own wife.

Put #2 together with his late nights and I think you have a nice little puzzle. No one needs to be gone that much when they have a spouse at home. I spent 7 years on a masters degree, worked 55+ hour weeks, and still had plenty of time with my husband once we married. I'd kill to spend as much time with him as possible. 

I'd seriously reconsider the value you're getting out of this non-marriage.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

To answer the question in your title: He probably never cared.

I also hope there are no children involved, so you can make a clean break.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Say what? Dude is out partying and you are at home sleeping after he is working and schooling all week. Then these shenanigans? Assuming this is a legit post, just gtfo. He doesn’t care and younneed to reboot your life.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Do you know for a fact he was detained in the police station.Something smells off to me and I would love to know just how close he is to his “boss”.
If it is all true then he is making it clear that you are very low on his list of priorities.Are you the main breadwinner in this relationship and how do you split expenses.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I am a man.

I do not believe your husband ever did care about you. 

I personally think he married you for some reason other than love, and you are just not aware what that reason is.

He treats you horribly. He obviously does not love you, and does not want to be with you. He does not respect you.

I can't imagine why you put up with treatment even vaguely approaching this. The second Friday night you should have been packing your bags.

My wife is a special snowflake and might put up with issues like that a bit longer than a week or a month, but being neglected is one of the things she is not good at tolerating, at all.

My personal guess is your husband has always had a bit of fluff on the side, either a girlfriend or a boyfriend, and you are just a picture on the mantlepiece.

Good luck.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*If I thought it would do any good, I would highly recommend an immediate "Come to Jesus Meeting!"

Having said that, I'm of the opinion that he's been covertly cheating on you for some time now!

Your time, IMHO, would be better spent in an exploratory talk with a seasoned family law attorney!*


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

His stories don't add up. I think he's a pathological liar.

Nobody calls their boss when they're in jail.
Nobody but a cheater doesn't call their wife.

You shouldn't believe anything whatsoever that comes out of his mouth. I don't even believe he was in jail. He was in his bosses bed.
Simple.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

answerseeker321 said:


> "I come home to you every night"


What a stand up guy!!! Like your H is doing you a favor. Personally I would have replied. "Don't bother from now on because when you are home you are not home." Your H is a idiot.


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

answerseeker,
Do you have kids? 

If I had to guess, I'd say that you and your husband are both very young. And your husband is still trying to live the life of an uncommitted bachelor without any responsibilities. 
Did he want to get married? Did you?

And I'm not a man. But I'm afraid that you're not married to one either, sweetheart. Some boys never grow up. Maybe your husband might. But there's a good chance that the way he is now, is who you are married to. You need to decide whether that's what you can live with. 

And I agree that there is likely something going on with someone at work. The lack of respect and commitment that he is showing you and your marriage is probably pretty far-reaching.

What do your parents think about things?
Sometimes it's hard to be open with the people who love us about our lives not going well. Your husband's failings are not your fault. Don't fall into the trap of feeling that you have to pretend that everything is perfect. No-one's life is. Sometimes change is just about having the courage to admit that things are not OK to people that care about us.


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## concernedhub (Feb 15, 2018)

Answerseeker I was married for 22 years and married young. When I went to grad school we had a young daughter and I had a lot of studying to do plus I worked full time. 

For that 2.5 years I had no life BUT every spare minute I had my ex Wife and I did things and I never went out without her.

I look at all my married friends and they operate as a pair not one just doing there own way.

I would have a sit down and explain this is destroying your marriage.

When I went to grad school if I had time off it was family time not boys night. Coming home at 3am and things that you describe you should point out it’s unaccetable to him.

I’m kinda in similar boat with my second Wife who can be indifferent at times so I know how you feel...


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

I think the best piece of advice i can give you is to judge him by his actions and not his words.
Do not let a "hun i love you" change how you feel if he is doing nothing to actually show you, and make you feel, like he loves you.

He might need a wake up call, but this is also something he needs to do on his own.

If you dont have kids, please do not even attempt to have kids before you figure this out.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

OK, a different perspective.



> What do you men think about all this? When I tell him that I don't think he loves me or cares about it relationship he says "Hun, you know I love you" and "I come home to you every night"


His going out to bars to unwind is not a great idea. He should be home with you, unless for some reason he can't unwind around you because of your being too needy for his attention or something like that.

Now as to calling his boss to help get him out of jail. I can see that happening, if the boss has lots of friends or connections to lawyers. I know if I had one phone call to get an attorney to help me or get me out on bail, my first call would probably not be to my wife, but to an attorney I know or someone who I trust to know a good attorney. Yes, I would make sure I got word to my wife, but if limited to one call it would not be to her.

Your title of does he still care sort of sets the perspective you are looking from. You are focused on you and your feelings, which is fine, but you also need to be focused on his as marriage is about compromise.

Try some empathy. What do you think with his overwhelming schedule he wants the most? Then share with him that with his overwhelming schedule you have emotional needs that are not being met, just because of the lack of time together. 

Ask him if there is some way that you and he can work on seeing that both of your emotional needs are being met. Maybe even a few marriage counseling session between his semesters or quarters would be worthwhile. 

Good luck.


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