# How to make the hurt stop?



## GAgirl912 (Dec 22, 2017)

Do you let your STBX husband know you’re hurt? I don’t know what happened.. he see’s the abrupt demise of our marriage in what appears to be a totally different perspective than me. It’s our first Christmas apart and splitting the kids and this is just painful on a level that is hard to pull myself out of. I truly thinks he was worked into a manic episode and he doesn’t see it.. he picks and chooses parts of it, spins some of it and otherwise puts the blame all on me and using that to try and bully me so I have to challenge him in court.. I don’t have the money to do this... he’s padding his books and claiming much less than he’s making and financially it’s painful too! But I do know he is now living with a woman 5 years my senior now, whereas when he left he was going wild with all different women.. he wasn’t age selective either. 

7 months we’ve been going through this. My children are in pain, my son not so much or he hides it better.. my daughter though, that hurt’s to see her going through this. They are boy/girl twins, 9 years old. I’ve reached out for help from day one, we’ve always sought counseling during all of our major crisis, he went each and every time in the past (5 different counselors with numerous sessions per counselor). This time he denied everything and refused any help for anything... it was DIVORCE from day one. For 7 months I’ve prayed and communicated to him that we need to go talk to a counselor and try to get to the bottom of why we see what happened on that fateful day in May so differently. Not for restoration of our marriage necessarily, but for raising the children effectively and without so much tension.

Perhaps all of that is wishful thinking.. I just want to get back on my feet and focus on my separate future and I’m doing that, classes just don’t start til Jan 8 and I’m excited, but kind of in limbo too.

I guess my question is do you let him know that you are hurting realizing whatever you say probably falls on deaf ears.

Just a hard day. Merry Christmas!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Silence is golden. Do not write a stupid letter.

At this time he doesn't care.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

what happened in may?


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## GAgirl912 (Dec 22, 2017)

Marc878 said:


> Silence is golden. Do not write a stupid letter.
> 
> 
> 
> At this time he doesn't care.




I wasn’t thinking a letter, sometimes I have a hard time controlling my remarks... for instance this morning he sent a pic of their tree with tons of gifts for the kids.. meanwhile I’m rolling pennies just to feed the animals he left and to cure an arrears on a mortgage he walked away from.. it just burns me knowing what’s gone on over the last decade together. When I make remarks, I have a hard time not reminding him that this isn’t something I chose but I’m the one struggling the most with every level of it! (Emotionally, financially, physically, etc.). I think back on how the tables have turned so drastically from the time we got married. He used me for 10 years to get to where he is and I allowed myself to be used 100%, I see it! There was no trust in our marriage from day one and all along the way, so why am I surprised that this has happened? Not only does he not hear my hurt, he really doesn’t care and never really did. Oh well, tomorrow still goes on.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Talk is worthless. It gets you nothing except an extended stay in limbo.

File and have him served. Your actions are all that count.

Cut him off except text about kids and business only.

In suspect like let you won't do it but just listen. Not going no contact will just keep you where you are.

I get you're angry but a hard 180 is your only path. Use it fully or you'll wallow in this longer.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Let's face some facts. It's not that he does not know you are hurt. He knows. You would not be enlightening him on anything that he is not already aware of. 

He knows but he keeps doing it anyway. That is because he is not a good person. 


You can't change that and informing him of your pain will not make him grow compassion or transform into a kind, decent person. 

You will accomplish nothing other than give him the satisfaction that he is powerful enough to cause you hurt and pain. Bad people dig that. They like knowing that they hurt people. 

Do not try to apply principles of kind and decent people to bad people. what accomplishes things for a decent person will accomplish the same for a bad person.


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## GAgirl912 (Dec 22, 2017)

We are actively in a divorce. He filed in July. We’re in the property and alimony phase and he feels so entitled to everything and it’s tiresome dealing with him and I’ve given him everything but the house (which is in a separate legal battle) and a utility trailer that I want to sell now and split but he wants to wait to see what happens with the house.. I can’t force it without another costly battle and yet I’m being forced to scrounge up money somewhere else to cure the arrears just to keep a roof over my kids head. Just a bunch of stupid stuff that adds fuel to an alrighty flaming divorce process. He wants to see me struggle and I just don’t know why. 


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

If your financial situation is that tight you do have the option of asking the court to make your STBX responsible for your legal fees.

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I hope you can find it in your heart to be merry today. It may be a struggle right now, but you're alive, your children are alive, and there really are blessings to be grateful for on this day. Merry Christmas!


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## GAgirl912 (Dec 22, 2017)

It’s the whole house thing and once this gets figured out, financially things should be fine.. everything is just going back and forth right now, progress is being made though.

I do recognize that I’m blessed with so much, and those are the things I need to focus on. It’s just the first Christmas not together as a family in a decade and I’m processing it.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

With it being the holidays there's no way it's not going to suck. You are grieving the death of your marriage which he killed. But killers have no mercy or concern for their victims.

Stop projecting your feelings onto him. he has none for you.

many have hope theyll have an ephifany waje up and be the person you want them to be.

that hope will keep you in limbo hell. stop!!!


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## BadGrammar (Oct 29, 2017)

Do you have evidence that the is padding his books? If so, beyond what he rightfully owes to you and your children, he stands to be in serious legal trouble as well. Sounds like you need to start playing hardball with this SOB.


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## GAgirl912 (Dec 22, 2017)

BadGrammar said:


> Do you have evidence that the is padding his books? If so, beyond what he rightfully owes to you and your children, he stands to be in serious legal trouble as well. Sounds like you need to start playing hardball with this SOB.




I kept our family business books up until the end of May when he cut me off of everything. I’m going to cross that bridge when I come to it though. Just another layer to this whole nasty thing.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I'm very sorry. I know this is a difficult day (my first Christmas was too -- but it really does get better).


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You are grieving. You want lose from the pain.
You want desperately to hear him say he's sorry. He's not, or he'd GLADLY tell you. He has no intention of stopping his behavior, or he would.

Don't let your pain give him the opportunity to inflict more, which is exactly what he will do.

Ignore him, that will hurt the most. Start dating when you feel you can, it will hurt him the sane way his dating is hurting you, and it will get your mind off the pain for a little while.

I don't know what happened, but based on your description of what he's doing.....

Do not communicate in any way with him.
Like I said, if he wA sorry and wanted to fix things with you, YOU would be the first to know. He doesn't.


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## GAgirl912 (Dec 22, 2017)

Today was just really hard. I wanted so bad for my kids to have the solid foundation we (my H and I) never had, I wanted it to be different. And here we are doing the exact same thing our parents did.. the pain of divorce has affected us in so many ways in life.. and it wasn’t just the divorce, it was everything leading up to it. I look at couples who have been together for 30+ years.. they all have one thing in common, they treat their spouse like it says to in the Bible. I know where I fell short with how it tells me I should treat my spouse, and so some of my pain is self blame. I can’t change it.. so as a recovering alcoholic, this was a big test for me, I can’t change it now and I can’t beat myself up over where we are. But this is the worst pain I’ve been through without alcohol to comfort me. 

And I must add I truly appreciate all of the feedback I’ve gotten. You helped me get through my day sober. Thank you.

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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

GAgirl912 said:


> Today was just really hard. I wanted so bad for my kids to have the solid foundation we (my H and I) never had, I wanted it to be different. And here we are doing the exact same thing our parents did.. the pain of divorce has affected us in so many ways in life.. and it wasn’t just the divorce, it was everything leading up to it. I look at couples who have been together for 30+ years.. they all have one thing in common, they treat their spouse like it says to in the Bible. I know where I fell short with how it tells me I should treat my spouse, and so some of my pain is self blame. I can’t change it.. so as a recovering alcoholic, this was a big test for me, I can’t change it now and I can’t beat myself up over where we are. But this is the worst pain I’ve been through without alcohol to comfort me.
> 
> And I must add I truly appreciate all of the feedback I’ve gotten. You helped me get through my day sober. Thank you.
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Wow!!!! You're impressive!!!! 

Look you can't fix the past but you'll get through this. The hard part is over now. The future is yours to make. Stay on your path keep focused and you'll be awesome!!!

Thanks for sharing your story.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

I just moved to Georgia. My 8th move. It's the best. Really impressed with the people.

The friendliest I've seen.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

It will take time. I know you've heard that before. Keep moving forward. Don't dwell in the past. If you keep moving forward, it WILL get better. Glad you're not letting your alcohol addiction steal your life again.

All of us feel for a while that they are the only person we will ever love. It's NOT true. All that soulmate bull**** you hear about us bunk.
There's lots of people we can love. Finding the one that is worthy of our love is the hard part.

Next time, be picky in choosing the right character.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

It will take time. I know you've heard that before. Keep moving forward. Don't dwell in the past. If you keep moving forward, it WILL get better. Glad you're not letting your alcohol addiction steal your life again.

All of us feel for a while that they are the only person we will ever love. It's NOT true. All that soulmate bull**** you hear about us bunk.
There's lots of people we can love. Finding the one that is worthy of our love is the hard part.

Next time, be picky in choosing a person of the right character.


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

GAgirl912 said:


> Today was just really hard. I wanted so bad for my kids to have the solid foundation we (my H and I) never had, I wanted it to be different. And here we are doing the exact same thing our parents did.. the pain of divorce has affected us in so many ways in life.. and it wasn’t just the divorce, it was everything leading up to it. I look at couples who have been together for 30+ years.. they all have one thing in common, they treat their spouse like it says to in the Bible. I know where I fell short with how it tells me I should treat my spouse, and so some of my pain is self blame. I can’t change it.. so as a recovering alcoholic, this was a big test for me, I can’t change it now and I can’t beat myself up over where we are. But this is the worst pain I’ve been through without alcohol to comfort me.
> 
> And I must add I truly appreciate all of the feedback I’ve gotten. You helped me get through my day sober. Thank you.
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


The Bible was meant to be a manual not a KPI. I don’t always treat my husband the way Bible says, but we’re sticking together because we’re both committed to each other. Don’t beat yourself up for not measuring up. 

You have done well to stay away from the alcohol. I wish you all the best.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You should not say anything to him about how you are feeling. He does not care really.

Instead you need to focus on yourself and your children. Take a look at the 180 linked to in my signature block below. That's how you need to be interacting with him.. basically as little as possible. If he sends you texts like he did of his tree, just delete them. Do not respond. Only respond things that are basically business...the business of your divorce.

And start doing things for yourself.

Could you share what things you have been doing to take better care of yourself?


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## GAgirl912 (Dec 22, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> And start doing things for yourself.
> 
> 
> 
> Could you share what things you have been doing to take better care of yourself?



I’ve enrolled in school to get my masters, so preparing for that has kept me busy, but with the holidays.. it’s been really quiet. I’m taking a full load this semester, and I know once all that starts.. life really is moving forward without him  Aside from that, I tried to go out with a few different guys and quite frankly I’m pretty turned off by the whole concept.. not ready for anything remotely close to that. But I am taking care of myself. I was in counseling early on and that helped me stay focused and determined that this is not the end of the world and life does positively go on. I think seeing all the happy intact families out there on social media really got to me this Christmas. I survived though and I did it sober 




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## Rock_Singer (Apr 23, 2016)

Forgive me, you may have mentioned it already, but what lead up to your husband leaving? Was he having an affair...an argument...

I find it odd that its been 7 months & your husband has been with multiple women already. I mean, he must have been thinking about doing this from day one.
My first thought would be that he would keep the mind set of your children at ease....and wait to pursue other women at a much later time.
But, I guess some can not wait...some go out & pursue the very next day. 

I'd suggest that you put off dating until later.....get your mind in a better place. Right now, you are the only role model your kids have.
Their dad is going all out crazy right now....he is in a different place mentally.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Many of us have been where you are now. For me it was 3 years ago. And to be honest the only thing that helped with the pain was time. There was no magic formula to get through it, except the belief that eventually the grief would let me go. And it did, or I should say the weight of it has changed so that it isn’t all encompassing. 

I tried to date initially, without much success. Even after three years, I am not sure I want to date. All I can say is honor your feelings about it. As for communicating with him...you won’t feel any satisfaction if you do send him a letter or talk to him. I have to agree the healthiest thing i did for myself was cut off any contact. You have kids so you have to communicate with him. But if he sends you anything that is not directly related to your kids, delete it and don’t reply.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I wouldn’t waste my time!

He already knows how you feel and he doesn’t really give a tinker’s damn!*


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## GAgirl912 (Dec 22, 2017)

jrjr said:


> Forgive me, you may have mentioned it already, but what lead up to your husband leaving? Was he having an affair...an argument...
> 
> 
> 
> ...




My husband’s anger became unbearable for several months leading up to him being asked to leave our home for a 30 day separation by our counselor, after it finally got to a physical level. I don’t know what triggered his anger and I can only assume several factors. He denied the anger, it was so bizarre.

Once he was out of the house he just went crazy from what I can tell based on FB postings, messages, bank statements, phone records, etc. He joined amateur sex cam sites, he traveled to states away in what appeared to be a hook up with an old flame, he hired a 19 year old (24 years his junior) whom he was clearly having sex with (denied at first, but later admitted) and who he had hanging around my kids early on, he lost 20 lbs seemingly overnight (he looked really sick), he lashed out at me every chance he got about everything, and hated me on every level, etc. He has finally settled back down and is now living with a woman 5 years his senior. As far as I’m concerned, she can have him and he can run her into the ground. 

My concern through all this has been what are my children exposed to and how can I protect them. The courts here are a joke on so many levels, and quite frankly they have zero interest in the best interest of the children and so yes, I am their only role model. (For instance in our temp hearing at court, I voiced my concern about the 19 year he had around my kids.. his atty tried to paint me as a jealous angry wife, and his response to him being with the 19 year old was that she was legal  I mentioned him having her around my 9 year old twins and they breezed over it)

It’ll be a while before I try to date again, I know I need to focus on becoming independent again and that’s my goal. I put all my eggs in this one basket and it crumbled.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

GAgirl-

You are doing great.

No matter how lonely , tired and sad you go to sleep- remember your cubs need their Mama Bear and whatever emotion you need to be that for them- use that emotion to get you through the day.

Keep it up and you should be really proud of yourself.


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## GAgirl912 (Dec 22, 2017)

Update: The hurt stopped abruptly. My H and I tried reconciliation or whatever... it was awful and I remembered quickly what brought us to the end of our marriage. We were back together about 2 1/2 months. It was a vain attempt on his part, as he still had feelings for the other woman and she had dumped him. He never broke contact with her and honestly I don’t know if she knew he was back home with me, doesn’t matter. There was some indication they were seeing each other again, or at least he was trying hard to be with her again and that meant zero effort towards his marriage. I asked him to leave (in a fairly unGodly way) and he moved in with her that night. They aren’t together anymore, I don’t know the story, but he’s back to running around with whoever will have him from what I can tell. 

I wanted so bad to have that biblical marriage... but I realize that sometimes things go differently and both spouses have to genuinely work together to have a healthy marriage and I have to let my husband go if that’s what he wants to do, a caged animal is viscous. That’s where the hurt stopped. 

I had lost myself in this marriage. And one day at a time I am trying to find myself again. Before him, I was a drunk and halfway through the marriage I was still drunk. I sobered up, so I guess it’s not really even finding myself at this point, it’s more reinventing myself. One day at a time, by the Grace of God. 

Just wanted to share an update.


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## ktheuerkauf (Jan 2, 2017)

I'm going through a divorce and it just plain hurts. There are so many opinions about how to deal with a divorce: talk to your ex-spouse, don't talk to your ex-spouse, do this, do that. I was so conflicted and hurt yesterday that I actually called my soon to be ex-husband and talked with him about things in a calm, unaccusing, matter of fact way. I told him how I felt and what I was going through. I completely broke down afterward. I know what I said won't make any difference and the situation won't change, but I feel better getting that off my chest. It was closure for me. Do what you feel is right within reason and with a kind heart.


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