# I want a relationship with him. Should i just wait until he suggests it?



## phoebs (Aug 26, 2015)

I have been seeing this guy now for 2 months. We have spent a lot of time together and have even been on a little road trip. When we aren't together we text throughout the day and talk on the phone at night when we can.

A week ago we slept together for the first time and it was just the most perfect first time i've ever had with someone. I know it is still pretty early, but he makes me so happy and i have never had so much in common with someone before. We have discussed how we aren't seeing other people so i guess we are exclusively dating, but we have never said we are exclusively together. He also says things when i comment or make jokes about things like "my family are going to love you," or when i mentioned the game nights my family have, he said "i'd love to have a game night with your family." Neither of us have met the others family at this time.

I may be acting a little impatient, but i really just want us to be official because i love being and spending time with him, but i don't really want to bring it up because i don't want him to feel pressured, but at the same time i kind of want to know how he sees things. Does anyone have any advice on the situation? Should i just let him suggest it?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

phoebs said:


> .....*Does anyone have any advice on the situation? *Should i just let him suggest it?


Well you could either expect him to read your mind or you could discuss it with him like an adult.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Just ask! It's always good to communicate and maybe he is waiting for you to bring the topic up


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Dont bring up

If he wants he will ask

If he doesn't it won't happen n you know the answer


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## phoebs (Aug 26, 2015)

I didn't think guys liked feeling pressured. I thought if he wanted one he would have said something. I think i am a lot more forthcoming with my feelings than him, so i don't want to scare him off


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Why is having an honest discussion pressuring him? Is he that weak?
This is your life too, not just his, might be time to learn how to talk to each other.

I get that it can be hard to do and you guys are only 2 months in but good communication will take you a long way in life, not just in this relationship. You don't have to make ultimatums, just be open and frank.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I guess I'm having a pessimistic sort of day... 

IMO you should have nailed down the exclusively before the sex, especially given that you seem to want a serious relationship. Your actions may have told him that without the commitment of exclusivity, you're happy to offer up sex. It sends the wrong sort of message to many men. 

I have a strong feeling he may be awkward now and ghost you.... But maybe if you speak frankly with him about what YOU want, he'll prove me wrong! I certainly hope so.


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## phoebs (Aug 26, 2015)

The reason i am hesitant is because yesterday i sort of talked about it and he said he was enjoying spending time with me and going slow. He got cheated on in his last relationship and so he said he doesn't want to rush into a relationship like he did with the last one. On saying that, he says he loves spending time with me and getting to know me, and he says he isn't seeing other people....and yesterday he invited me to lunch. Lunch turned into a 10 hour long date, including movie and then dinner. Since we first slept together a week ago we haven't since. He has invited me on dates so they have been out and the opportunity hasn't arisen to do so again. I actually don't think this is a guy that just wants sex at all, but i guess i don't want to wait around forever...so i suppose he gave me an answer, but maybe my question is how long do i continue going on dates before i say i think it's time now to move to the next step and if he doesn't want to we should move on. I do want a relationship with him, and i'm ready to have one now


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Do you want to get married, possibly to him? If so, you should tell him that
If you just want an exclusive boyfriend, then you should tell him that.
He can't read your mind, but if you tell him what you want, he will probably tell you what he thinks about it.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

phoebs said:


> so i suppose he gave me an answer, but maybe my question is how long do i continue going on dates before i say i think it's time now to move to the next step and if he doesn't want to we should move on. I do want a relationship with him, and i'm ready to have one now


He gave you an answer!
Changing the question will scare him off, if you like what you have now, you already know that he likes it too.


phoebs said:


> "If he doesn't want to [move on to the next step] we should move on,.... Your ready now"


You have your answer, he isn't ready now, be patient. Asking him specifically 'where he wants to be in the years to come,' is pressuring him.
Make plans, if he shoots down meeting the family, you know he isn't ready yet...

See what I am saying, 'gauge his interest by how reciprocal he is to your invitations, not your interrogations?'


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

phoebs said:


> The reason i am hesitant is because yesterday i sort of talked about it and he said he was enjoying spending time with me and going slow.


Okay. He told you he wanted to take it slow. My opinion? He sounds like a potential long-term mate. He has clearly told you what he wants from a relationship right now. 



phoebs said:


> I actually don't think this is a guy that just wants sex at all, but i guess *i don't want to wait around forever*...so i suppose he gave me an answer, but maybe my question is how long do i continue going on dates before i say i think it's time now to move to the next step and if he doesn't want to we should move on. I do want a relationship with him, and i'm ready to have one now


AFTER TWO MONTHS????? Okay, I guess you are serious. But you also sound too hungry to me. People who jump into bed too soon and a serious relationship too soon are in for a less-than-sunny wake up call in the future.

If you are looking to get exclusive/serious after two months, this isn't the guy for you. I'd suggest you look elsewhere. If you want to stick it out and go at his pace, don't resent him. He has been honest with you. How about you be honest with him?


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## phoebs (Aug 26, 2015)

Yes after 2 months i want to be exclusive with him. I don't want to continue seeing each other for months and never have a relationship. I'm not saying i want to marry him lol. There is no way to know that this soon, but i know i don't just want something casual. I trusted him enough for us to sleep together and not to think he just wants that, and he certainly doesn't appear to. What i mean by wait around forever is i don't want someone wasting my time and unsure if they want a relationship. I am not saying he is being that way, but if it continues for months and he doesn't want to make us exclusive i will wonder why. I don't see why me wanting to be exclusive after 2 months is such a shocker. I like him enough to know i want a relationship with him.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

2 months is fast 

Have you dated enough 

plenty of fish in the ocean . Maybe you should cast a net n select


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

I think people dance around the truth too much sometimes, and for what? In this case you already have a relationship with him which sounds really lovely, he will not go into a catatonic state because you asked him a straight forward question. He couldn't possibly be shocked about how you feel, and if he is and he doesn't think he will be ready to go public then move on.
If you were talking about someone you wanted to be with yet had no relationship basis already I would reply differently.
Life is too short.Ask him.


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## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

To me it sounds like things are developing just fine at the present rate. You both seem to be enjoying one another's company and having fun. Your desire for some kind of official declaration wouldn't change much I think. I mean you aren't looking for a ring are you? In this case my view is just to keep doing what you are doing and see where it leads. If it aint broke don't fix it is my advice.
Of course I'm a man. So keep that in mind.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

Satya said:


> IMO you should have nailed down the exclusively before the sex, especially given that you seem to want a serious relationship. Your actions may have told him that without the commitment of exclusivity, you're happy to offer up sex. It sends the wrong sort of message to many men.


Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I don't know why you'd feel you have to wait around for HIM to bring up the topic.

I also don't feel 2 months of dating is not enough time to desire exclusivity/a relationship. Just ask him. If he says no, he's probably not the one for you since you're the type to want a relationship.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

phoebs said:


> I didn't think guys liked feeling pressured. I thought if he wanted one he would have said something. I think i am a lot more forthcoming with my feelings than him, so i don't want to scare him off


I am a guy and asking a question isn't pressure. Demanding something is. Communication is key to any good relationship. If he can't handle a question about where the two of you are at and what you both want after a few months then you don't want to be with a boy like that. Trust me


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I don't know why you'd feel you have to wait around for HIM to bring up the topic.
> 
> I also don't feel *2 months of dating is not enough time *to desire exclusivity/a relationship. Just ask him. If he says no, he's probably not the one for you since you're the type to want a relationship.


i agree with you but funny how people define timelines differently. I know for me two months, if I am interested in someone, is a lot of time. If I wasnt in an exclusive relationship and having sex by two months I would probably move on. I do admit that being exclusive and having a "boyfriend/girlfriend" title isn't the same thing or timeline to me. All exclusive means is we are only going to date each other and that talk can happen after a week or two of knowing each other. If after months or dating exclusively things are going well then it's time for a "relationship title" and meeting the friends and all that. Guess my point is for me 2 months is enough to time to have a talk about what everyone wants in a relationship. OP this is your life and isn't all about him


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> SecondTime'Round said:
> 
> 
> > I don't know why you'd feel you have to wait around for HIM to bring up the topic.
> ...



Must be magical in that two months .

But after a divorce , personally , i want to be careful .

Afraid of magic clouding my thinking


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

tripad said:


> Must be magical in that two months .
> 
> But after a divorce , personally , i want to be careful .
> 
> Afraid of magic clouding my thinking


And that's cool but you should let someone know that up front honestly or you may find you are getting left often for people who want to more forward. I have met all types of women while dating...some want to move slow as you, some want to be married but date three. What I have found is communication about what everyone wants needs to be on the table to avoid misunderstandings. 

I have shared this story here before but it's relevant. I was dating a woman for about a month and we were having sex by week two. I was really really into this woman but she was playing it aloof. Like the OP , she had come from a world of bad advice and theories about what men want vs doing what felt natural. I was still new to dating but had already been burned by the "if it isn't communicated then it isn't real" scenario so I asked her if we could date exclusively. I actually wanted that after we slept together but was afraid I would pressure her so waited. She said she wanted to take it slow and then hinted,but didn't say outright, that she was seeing someone else. So I was big time turned off and didn't call her again. We texted some over the next two weeks but I compartmenalized the whole thing and moved on. Internet profile went back up and I started communicating with other women.

About two weeks later she called me, ironically as I was coming back from my first date with my last GF, and she asked what happened. I was  what do you mean. She said she was really interested in me and wanted to know why I had backed off her. I told her I wanted to be exclusive with someone and not just causally date. She said she wanted the same thing with me...wait what? She asked if we could get together and I said no I was out of town on a date and that really made her upset. She then tells me that she was never dating anyone else and that this was advice given to her by her friend on how to make me jealous to be interested in her...again a lot of  I was already interested in her that's why I asked if we could be exclusive. Needless to say I never got together with her again despite her repeated attempts and asking for another date.

I really wish she had handled that differently. But you have got to communicate everything in dating my opinion


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

That was some seriously game-playing on her part, @Wolf1974. Hope she learned her lesson! Sounds like she missed out on a great guy!


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Prodigal said:


> People who jump into bed too soon and a serious relationship too soon are in for a less-than-sunny wake up call in the future.


I hardly think that sleeping with the guy after 2 MONTHS of dating is "jumping into bed too soon." They both agreed that they were not seeing anyone else. What is the right amount of time? 3 months? 6 months? It's completely arbitrary.

OP, to answer your question, you already ARE a "couple", so to speak. More or less already in an exclusive relationship. What more do you need? You're each only dating each other, he wants to take it slow, it sounds like things are moving along nicely, there's really nothing more to be said at this point.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> I hardly think that sleeping with the guy after 2 MONTHS of dating is "jumping into bed too soon." They both agreed that they were not seeing anyone else. *What is the right amount of time? 3 months? 6 months? It's completely arbitrary.*
> 
> OP, to answer your question, you already ARE a "couple", so to speak. More or less already in an exclusive relationship. What more do you need? You're each only dating each other, he wants to take it slow, it sounds like things are moving along nicely, there's really nothing more to be said at this point.


As "millionaire matchmaker" Patti Stanger would say, "No sex before monogamy!"


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## phoebs (Aug 26, 2015)

I feel at this point i trusted him enough for us to sleep together. I don't do casual sex as it is not me, and i have come across guys before who just want that and they do not act like he is acting at all...and i was right because he is still around. Since we have slept together we have been on many dates out too. I do however feel like he holds back a bit sometimes. I'm very open about my feelings and saying stuff like "i miss you," or " i wish you were here." He says it back but he rarely says it first.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> tripad said:
> 
> 
> > Must be magical in that two months .
> ...


Thanks for sharing but i dont think i would ever have that problem .

My gay guy friend said i am not the usual woman , that i am an open book , making my thoughts heard . I suppose that's a compliment .

N if i sleep with anyone , it would be exclusive without stating or better put is that i woule be exclusive before i sleep with you . That's me , traditional somewhat .


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

phoebs said:


> I feel at this point i trusted him enough for us to sleep together. I don't do casual sex as it is not me, and i have come across guys before who just want that and they do not act like he is acting at all...and i was right because he is still around. Since we have slept together we have been on many dates out too. I do however feel like he holds back a bit sometimes. I'm very open about my feelings and saying stuff like "i miss you," or " i wish you were here." He says it back but he rarely says it first.


But he dated you to do non sex activities so imo it's all good . Just enjoy .

Frankly a guy who declare undying love for you after two months is probably a fake to get into your pants or whatever . Even a marriage cert has no meaning to exclusivity . Why bother asking .

He already showed he is genuine by doing nice activities and was honest with you . N i think that's fsntastic .


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

phoebs said:


> The reason i am hesitant is because yesterday i sort of talked about it and he said he was enjoying spending time with me and going slow. He got cheated on in his last relationship and so he said he doesn't want to rush into a relationship like he did with the last one. On saying that, he says he loves spending time with me and getting to know me, and he says he isn't seeing other people....and yesterday he invited me to lunch. Lunch turned into a 10 hour long date, including movie and then dinner. Since we first slept together a week ago we haven't since. He has invited me on dates so they have been out and the opportunity hasn't arisen to do so again. I actually don't think this is a guy that just wants sex at all, but i guess i don't want to wait around forever...so i suppose he gave me an answer, but maybe my question is how long do i continue going on dates before i say i think it's time now to move to the next step and if he doesn't want to we should move on. I do want a relationship with him, and i'm ready to have one now


Yeah, I'm a little concerned he doesn't want booty again right away. Thats weird to me, but like you said there hasn't been an opportunity but I'd try and make one if it were me.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

phoebs said:


> The reason i am hesitant is because yesterday i sort of talked about it and he said he was enjoying spending time with me and going slow. He got cheated on in his last relationship and so he said he doesn't want to rush into a relationship like he did with the last one. On saying that, he says he loves spending time with me and getting to know me, and he says he isn't seeing other people


This is your answer right here. He's into you, but he wants to take it slow. He said he isn't seeing other people. I get that you might want a formal declaration of 'we're exclusive!' but you don't need it. He's told you where he is in this situation so believe him. 

Just relax and enjoy getting to know each other and having fun.

I'm old school. If it were me, I'd not say a thing. I think it looks clingy, desperate, insecure, and needy when a female pushes for an exclusive relationship.


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## phoebs (Aug 26, 2015)

This is why i am holding back. It has nothing to do with not being an adult and talking about things. It is about how i think i have communicated that i want to be together. He knows how into him i am by my actions. If he wants to be with me he will bring it up or tell me. On saying that, as stated prior i do not want to go on months and months with someone who is still using "i want to take it slow," as a cop out. I am not saying he is doing that, but if it gets 6 months down the line and he is still saying this i may second think the situation. That is all i was saying really.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

lucy999 said:


> I think it looks clingy, desperate, insecure, and needy when a female pushes for an exclusive relationship.


I disagree. "pushing" implies the subject was previously discussed and rejected. 

Saying "I really feel like we have a nice thing going, and I'd like to be exclusive and see where this goes" is entirely a different matter.

I'm pretty "old school", and my SO and I had this discussion a month after we met. If things continue to go as well as they have, the wedding is a year from tomorrow.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

phoebs said:


> This is why i am holding back. It has nothing to do with not being an adult and talking about things. It is about how i think i have communicated that i want to be together. He knows how into him i am by my actions. If he wants to be with me he will bring it up or tell me. On saying that, as stated prior i do not want to go on months and months with someone who is still using "i want to take it slow," as a cop out. I am not saying he is doing that, but if it gets 6 months down the line and he is still saying this i may second think the situation. That is all i was saying really.


Ugh. This sounds like typical women "hint-eeze".

This drives men nuts.

We are not mindreaders.

If you want something just come out and ask for it.

Why waste your time, and his time, if you want something he doesn't?


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## hotshotdot (Jul 28, 2015)

This is an uneasy time for both of you after your first sexual experience together. You are both going to wonder/worry if it's going to change things. You've discussed exclusivity so that's good. He's still taking you out without expecting sex on these dates so that's good too. 

He has said he's not ready for anything serious yet & wants to take it slow. You need to accept that. Do not ask for more right now. Give it some time & give him the space to come closer to you on his own. If he seems to hold back or pull away a little bit don't let it bother you. It is pretty normal for a guy to pull back when he starts feeling like he's falling for a woman. He can get a little scared & may need to test his feelings by pulling away or possibly even talking to other girls. Let him. If you don't push & give him space when he's holding back, he will come back. The best part is that if he can't stop thinking about you no matter what he does to try to distract himself he will end up drawing even closer to you. 

I'll share my experience so you can see what I mean...when I was dating my (now) husband, I found out that he was browsing on a dating site after our dates. I wasn't sleeping with him at the time (I can get attached for the wrong reasons - hormones- when I'm having sex with someone so I needed to wait), but I sure did like him & it bothered me that he'd be on this site right after he was out with me. I was thinking he wasn't that into me! I couldn't have been more wrong. But I definitely held back a little more & was cautious. Turns out, it was his way of checking himself to try to keep from falling too fast. But no matter what he did to try to take his mind off me by looking for other girls, he could not stop thinking about me. That's how he knew I was The One.  

So let things progress naturally. Don't worry if he's holding back, just respect that he needs space & hold back a little too. He should start introducing you to his friends as you spend more time together. If it hasn't happened in a few more months then you can ask him where this is going, but right now is too soon to worry about it. Relax & enjoy the journey!


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Someone wise once told me that a scenario like this has three options:

1)The friendship will end

2)The friendship will continue and eventually move forward into a relationship.

3)The friendship will continue, and if/when one of you finds someone else, then the friendship will end.

phoebs, your friend is being evasive because he may not know where his feelings stand OR he knows exactly where he stands and doesn't want to hurt you.

I'm afraid if you keep pushing and pushing and trying to corner him until a word of commitment falls from his lips, then yes, you may very well scare him off...particularly if a relationship is terrifying to him.

He knows how you feel. You don't need to keep saying "I miss you" to remind him. Let his feelings develop at his own pace...and don't allow yourself to be controlled by panic that you may lose him. 

But I do have a concern that you are going to get hurt badly. You are so invested far more than he is...and it isn't going to be much for him to walk away and move on....but you will be a trainwreck. 

Take what he said seriously about taking things at a natural, slow pace...even though he may have said it lightly and doesn't feel comfortable setting boundaries with you.

At the same time, you need to define if this pace is working for you. Your feelings are clearly on your sleeve...and you are burning for this guy. You may not be at the stage to be able to handle waiting around for him...but you are terrified of losing him and don't want to risk saying too much...but it's all sort of leaking out anyway. 

If you can't contain it, then yes say something...but you need to be mature and not take him to task or demonize him because he doesn't feel the same way. You may feel used, you may feel stupid and full-on rejection, but you are going to have to control yourself if he doesn't reciprocate your feelings.

If he solely wants to remain friends, but you aren't cool with that, then be sober about it and move on. Once a friendship crosses the sex line, or once feelings are at play, the clock has begun...and it is either going to blossom or end. Know when to make the call.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Constable Odo said:


> I'm pretty "old school", and my SO and I had this discussion a month after we met. If things continue to go as well as they have, the wedding is a year from tomorrow.


Congratulations! That's fabulous!:grin2:


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Just ask but don't push. "Are we officially a couple now?" Then let it go for now.

And on a completely different note...make CERTAIN you two are sexually compatible for a long term relationship! There's 1,000's of stories on here about people who weren't and it destroyed the relationship! Including mine.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

why did it take you two months to have sex?

why are you uncomfortable asking if you're sexually exclusive?

you don't have to label it as "boyfriend/girlfriend", who cares... but those two questions stick out in my mind.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

happy as a clam said:


> I hardly think that sleeping with the guy after 2 MONTHS of dating is "jumping into bed too soon.


I didn't specify TWO MONTHS as being too soon. I was looking at this from the perspective that the OP sounds like she wants to get serious and exclusive after two months - as in eight weeks - of dating. WHILE THE MAN HAS SAID HE WANTS TO TAKE IT SLOW.

Just why I post less and less on TAM. Folks here have to jump on a response and start some 50-page debate. I grow weary of this.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

lucy999 said:


> This is your answer right here. He's into you, but he wants to take it slow. He said he isn't seeing other people. I get that you might want a formal declaration of 'we're exclusive!' but you don't need it. He's told you where he is in this situation so believe him.
> 
> Just relax and enjoy getting to know each other and having fun.


^^This.

If it's really bugging you though, just say to him "Are we exclusive? I just want to be sure we're both on the same page".

If that scares him off, he was already out the door anyway sweets.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

phoebs said:


> I have been seeing this guy now for 2 months. We have spent a lot of time together and have even been on a little road trip. When we aren't together we text throughout the day and talk on the phone at night when we can.
> 
> A week ago we slept together for the first time and it was just the most perfect first time i've ever had with someone. I know it is still pretty early, but he makes me so happy and i have never had so much in common with someone before. We have discussed how we aren't seeing other people so i guess we are exclusively dating, but we have never said we are exclusively together. He also says things when i comment or make jokes about things like "my family are going to love you," or when i mentioned the game nights my family have, he said "i'd love to have a game night with your family." Neither of us have met the others family at this time.
> 
> I may be acting a little impatient, but i really just want us to be official because i love being and spending time with him, but i don't really want to bring it up because i don't want him to feel pressured, but at the same time i kind of want to know how he sees things. Does anyone have any advice on the situation? Should i just let him suggest it?


YES you are acting impatient. Good god. Just slow down and enjoy yourself. The fact that you 'need' something already tells me that YOU would benefit from some therapy.


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