# are there things you don't share with your wife



## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

I have a question for the experts . I recently had a family get together and have some time to talk with my older brother . we don't see each other much I've moved dozen times in the military and he's been a very successful businessman . I'm pretty sure the point of this conversation was that my experiences was worth nothing and I could never make it as a civilian . maybe that's his idea of tough love but if I share this with my wife I'm pretty sure she would never forgive him for it . the problem this is causing me stress but my usual stress relief to talk it out with my wife. Thoughts?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

I don't talk about work with my wife. It's pretty boring at this point of my life and it's just what I do for 8 hours not who I am.
Your brother is a bit of a pompous ass. Flip the argument and he couldn't last a day in the military. You might forgive your brothers words but your wife might never. You know her better than anyone.


----------



## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

Your brother's a d!ck.


----------



## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Maybe don't quote him when you talk to her about your feelings.Just give her the general idea of the conversation.You're distressed.Hiding that from her is no good.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I would agree with Scarlet.
Your wife is part of you and should know your feelings and what is going on with you.
You can't control if she hates your brother.

Honestly, it's his fault if people don't like his "winning " personality.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Gomerpyle (Dec 27, 2013)

Yeah, well Washington and Eisenhower sure were incompetent boobs. They both fell flat on their faces after the military so you're brother's a genius.

Tell your wife.


----------



## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

I have a brother like that. The best way to get over it is to prove to yourself he is wrong. I spent 8 years in the USN and he "worried" that I would have a hard time making it as a civilian. So I went to college, graduated in 4 years, and have been steadily climbing up the ladder ever since. I rarely talk to him and when I do I keep it light. No matter what success I attain, he has the need to one up me. So, I finally figured out that for him to keep feeling good about himself, he needed to be better than me. I let him think so. My wife is prettier, my house is bigger, my kids are nicer, but hey, he will never know this because I can't be arsed to put him in his place. I do it for me, not him.  Living well is the best revenge even when the other person doesn't know it.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I left the Navy 22 years ago and ya, lots of nay sayers. Mostly other military types who tried to project their own insecurities onto me....but also some civilians. Ignore them and make your own future. Believe me, it can be done. I left, married, went to school and graduated in 3 1/2 years and have been pretty successful since. People who don't understand and haven't been there don't really have a clue. Use his words as a motivator.....go out and show him how it's done.


----------



## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Your brother is a tool. I bet that if you listed the qualities that made you successful in the military they would be qualities that any employer would want.


----------



## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Sounds as if he needs to put you down to make himself feel better. He is projecting his insecurity.


----------



## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

i don't know how someone can be successful in the military and NOT have the qualities that would make them successful anywhere.

so far as things i hold back from my wife.
there really isn't anything i can think of off the top of my head.


----------



## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

I wouldn't worry too much about it or bring the civilian life issue up with your wife unless you are likely to become a civilian.

If you do bring it up I wouldn't mention it originates with your brother. 

In situations like these I usually take the content of the conversation and mull it over. if its something that bothers me or I feel I need my wifes input I will raise it with my wife without mentioning the source. 

There really is no point in creating a clash between family members. The content is more important than who said it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

Tell her. Let her hate him so you don't have to. Ha!

Honestly, she is there to support you. That's one of the main reasons for getting married. You get a life partner to help you through the good times and bad. Most likely you will feel better getting it off your chest and women LOVE LOVE LOVE to be an emotional support to their man.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your wife will take her cue from you. If you present the convo as 'my brother was so mean to me', sure, she's going to want to kick him in the nuts. If you present it as 'listen to what my know-it-all brother' said, she'll get on board with ridiculing his assessment.

Hope you told your very successful businessman of a brother to shove his condescension where the sun doesn't shine.


----------



## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

I gotta say thanks for all the laughs this is a great thread . I haven't talked to her yet about it because I don't want to bring her down. always the protector . I love my brother of course because he's my brother, he didn't share in the rest of the family enthusiasm as in when I returned from a combat tour. wife was pissed then that's why I know she'll be pissed now. as for the rest of support thank you very much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Is big brother feeling upstaged by your service? Maybe feeling like he's less than?


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I agree with Scarlet in that you can discuss your feelings with your W without giving her details of what your brother said.

I can't imagine why your own brother spoke to you that way, OP. Jealousy perhaps?


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

movealong said:


> I have a brother like that. The best way to get over it is to prove to yourself he is wrong. I spent 8 years in the USN and he "worried" that I would have a hard time making it as a civilian. So I went to college, graduated in 4 years, and have been steadily climbing up the ladder ever since. I rarely talk to him and when I do I keep it light. No matter what success I attain, he has the need to one up me. So, I finally figured out that for him to keep feeling good about himself, he needed to be better than me. I let him think so. My wife is prettier, my house is bigger, my kids are nicer, but hey, he will never know this because I can't be arsed to put him in his place. I do it for me, not him.  Living well is the best revenge even when the other person doesn't know it.


GREAT post!!!


----------



## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

I guess I feel like a line was crossed, that I will have a hard time forgetting? So the next time my wife says how's your brother doing, I won't have any answer except a neutral 'ok'. And of course the kids (cousins)....if I avoid the next family gathering the kids will not see their cousins...my wife has a thing about that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Gseries said:


> I guess I feel like a line was crossed, that I will have a hard time forgetting? So the next time my wife says how's your brother doing, I won't have any answer except a neutral 'ok'. And of course the kids (cousins)....if I avoid the next family gathering the kids will not see their cousins...my wife has a thing about that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Did you talk to her about it? I'd have a hard time forgetting as well.Sometimes people suck at communicating and come off needlessly harsh.Other times they come off that way on purpose.I think talking about it might give you some perspective and help you figure out which it is and how you should proceed.Your wife is your partner.You're a team.keeping your teammate in the dark is the wrong way to go.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *Gseries said*: I've moved dozen times in the military and he's been a very successful businessman . I'm pretty sure the point of this conversation was that my experiences was worth nothing and I could never make it as a civilian . maybe that's his idea of tough love *but if I share this with my wife I'm pretty sure she would never forgive him for it . the problem this is causing me stress but my usual stress relief to talk it out with my wife. Thoughts?*


The potential problem with this scenario often is... that the one you are talking about (your pompous a$$ brother)...while you may go on and forgive him for his disgraceful attitude ...... your wife MAY hold on to that grudge, painting him with an unforgiveable brush...

This is often the price of gossip...we taint others very badly...a reputation ensues...but this *isn't gossip.*.... it is venting to someone we love, our other half.......you want to be able to talk to her about your feelings ...and you have that right. 

It helps if she herself is more of a forgiving soul to human nature...not the grudge holding type...realizing even if he did speak out of his a$$.... he may come around someday, or maybe he was dealing with something and husband just got the brunt... that day... that he is not a total ogre, but capable of being a decent human being....



> *Gseries said*I love my brother of course because he's my brother, *he didn't share in the rest of the family enthusiasm as in when I returned from a combat tour. wife was pissed then that's why I know she'll be pissed now*. as for the rest of support thank you very much.


OUCH...is there some underlying jealousy over your being a favored son or something here - going on....does he want your life, wife, family? ....as Cosmos said "Jealousy perhaps ?" 



> Originally Posted by *movealong* >
> 
> I have a brother like that. The best way to get over it is to prove to yourself he is wrong. I spent 8 years in the USN and he "worried" that I would have a hard time making it as a civilian. So I went to college, graduated in 4 years, and have been steadily climbing up the ladder ever since. I rarely talk to him and when I do I keep it light. *No matter what success I attain, he has the need to one up me. So, I finally figured out that for him to keep feeling good about himself, he needed to be better than me. I let him think so. My wife is prettier, my house is bigger, my kids are nicer, but hey, he will never know this because I can't be arsed to put him in his place*. I do it for me, not him. *Living well is the best revenge even when the other person doesn't know it.*


 I so agree with this post... when we feel what we are, what we hold dear is being belittled by another..it CUTS.....unless somehow we have HURT THEM 1st...or are hurting ourselves.. in line for some constructive criticism... 

the Question is ...WHY does anyone do this.. for the sheer pleasure of it knocking another to ground in spirit......*and what does this say about them??*

It is sign of pure snobbery ..or some underlying insecurity to have to 1-up oneself to say "Look at me, I am the greater man here"...

Ok..I have a different take on this -over what has been suggested... IF your brother is jealous over something.. you feel this is his motivator .... it would explain a TON...and if this is the case... 

Yeah...you gotta deal with his lousy attitude in the moment.. some may feel you should cut him off.. I wouldn't deal with it like that... I would do my best to Encourage him in his presence, focus on his life when you get together...as much as possible... show kindness anyway....but in so doing, *IF* he dare turns to trample you, Speak up ! Defend thyself.. ask him what the hell that was for! We all have our limits to what we will put up with...


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

G, my H is a nice guy through and through. He will tell me, at times, about a conversation that sends me over the roof with righteous indignation For Him! How dare they say that, accuse you of this, or throw these in your face! Then, after some time passes, I calm down. My anger doesn't change his behavior, but it does let him know who's side I'm on. Give your wife that opportunity.

Oh, and your brother's a d!ck!... But I think someone already mentioned that.


----------



## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> G, my H is a nice guy through and through. He will tell me, at times, about a conversation that sends me over the roof with righteous indignation For Him! How dare they say that, accuse you of this, or throw these in your face! Then, after some time passes, I calm down. My anger doesn't change his behavior, but it does let him know who's side I'm on. Give your wife that opportunity.
> 
> Oh, and your brother's a d!ck!... But I think someone already mentioned that.


Lol. Always good to hear your counsel. I tried to bring it up today, but kids were at school, we were home alone.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Over the years there have been things that I have chosen NOT to tell my wife about.

The hatful comments made by her mother,
The stupid threats made by her brother,
I knew that I could “handle” these issues without having to cause her upset so I did.

I also make a point of being certain of my facts before passing on potentially bad news as I can see no point in making her worry about things that may or may not happen. This did get me into trouble when I did not tell her about a health issue until I had had time to get the rest of the test results back.


----------



## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Thoughts and feelings that I have that I know would upset her to no good purpose.

After all, they are my thoughts and feelings so why bug her with them?


----------



## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

My sisters an ass. I pay no attention to her because she is consistent. I expect nothing good from her and she does not disappoint. I have no respect for her so I don't care what she thinks. I don't get why you care what your tool brother thinks. He's obviously a small delusional little thing.


----------



## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Gseries said:


> I have a question for the experts . I recently had a family get together and have some time to talk with my older brother . we don't see each other much I've moved dozen times in the military and he's been a very successful businessman . I'm pretty sure the point of this conversation was that my experiences was worth nothing and I could never make it as a civilian . maybe that's his idea of tough love but if I share this with my wife I'm pretty sure she would never forgive him for it . the problem this is causing me stress but my usual stress relief to talk it out with my wife. Thoughts?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Take solace in the consensus that your brother is a douche canoe and move on with your life. No reason to share it with your wife. When I was quite young and an executive on the rise I ridiculed my brother for his career choice once. Let me say for the record he has had a very stable career and life and the last decade has been hell for me professionally. Let's just say I am a different person now and have the utmost respect for what he and my other brothers have done for themselves.


----------



## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

Your brother is jealous of your achievements.

Speak with your wife - it will make you feel better. It's good to talk matters like this over with your spouse. You can't control how she feels about your brother.


----------

