# one of many hurting, lost and angry spouses in the world



## JAYBLACK973 (Feb 21, 2011)

I would like to thank all of you that will read my story and give a honest opinion on this matter. My life at the moment has enough negative aspects in it so please do not add any more to it with negative and non thoughtful replies.

My story is like many of you on here, it has a beginning, a middle and what seems to be an ending. My wife and i have been together for yrs, 11 of which we have been married. We have no children but i have 2 from previous relationships ages 19 and 17. She has always treated my children as if they were her own and thats one of the many reasons i married my wife. For 10yrs my wife had been on dialysis due to her needing a kidney. Needless to say, everyday was a struggle to see her suffer and not being able to do anything about it. Although she was sick we did as much as possible together and sometimes space was given because it was needed at times. It was a very emotional time for both of us. When we found out that she needed a kidney a rushed into action and got tested to see if i were a match to give her one of mine but it wasn't to be. Her family never decided to get tested, she has 7 siblings and not one tried helping her. My resentment to wards her family grew and i would never really try to do any family functions with them because of this. 

I now skip forward. 2yrs ago she got her kidney and a new lease on life. At this time i could see nothing but joy in our marriage but behind the scenes there was something in her brewing. My wife says that during the time she was sick, i pushed her away because i thought she was going to die. This is so not true. Many of my nights or days were setting up her machine for dialysis and counting boxes of solution, taking her to doctors appointments and whatever else was needed. i kept our home clean so that there were no chance of her getting an infection. Now in her mind she has been saying to herself that she is unhappy but never ever shared these thoughts with me. I was totally in the dark as to knowing or thinking that we had issues in our marriage. So finally she shares all of these feelings that has been keeping inside and hidden. i will share the lis of things she complained about. Not being appreciated, nor hold hands and kissing in public, never took a family photo or vacation. never wanting to be seen with her in public, i never got her a spa day was the one that got me. During this time i began therapy because i felt like i was just a horrible husband and individual. I also sought treatment for chronic panic attacks and my fear of being out in public places and need being comfortable. While we were going through all of this i managed to open our home to her 15 year old sister who was on a trouble path. I think this was another part in the downfall of our marriage. The kid was so far behind in school that i would help her with homework and prepping for test. i made sure that she ate before i left for work and that she had a good home environment. It seems like my wife viewed her as competition and not her sister. My wife began just spending a lot of time on face book and just adding more distance between us it seemed. I changed over to doing MC by myself because she wanted no parts of it due to i didn't go when she wanted to years ago. I tried everything i learned about myself, our marriage and applied it to our relationship. The more i tried to make things better, the more she pulled away. She began doing totally disrespectfully things like talking about me to her friends and family. Not telling me that she is going to her families house by calling but having her sister text me. Not speaking to me when she or i come in from work. She says that i act like i dont want to hear from her when she calls me. I work nights and my days are my nights, I'm usually sleeping but i always answer her calls. It just got to the point where i had enough and told her to leave. She has been gone for 4 months now and i did the whole not calling or texting her because she would not answer my calls. So we recently began talking again and going out to eat. Sinced she has been gone i had to carry on with all the household bills on my own and still she would ask me for money to help her with her bills. I gave her money without question but it seemed as if she was just using me and never really intended to work our marriage. I recently asked where what are we doing with our marriage and she replied that she doesn't know. You would think after four months she would be ready to come home or something. She told me that I'm pressuring her. I told her that maybe we should get a divorce if your not willing to try. I told her to return the keys to the house and i put her mail on hold for her. I dont want to divorce but what more can i do as a person to save my marriage.. I'm hurting so very much today. I wonder if she's every going to realize that she should have fought for her marriage as i did...


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Hey Jay glad to hear from you again sorry about the circumstances. Honestly it sounds as if you have been a good husband but from the sounds of it you suffer from your own issues which you have been working on. Sounds as if there was a communication problem on her part and I do not know why then again she could be saying these things to justify anything she might be doing. 4 months is a while but not as long as some people have waited. Sounds like you are trying really hard and I applaud you on that. Im not a advocate of divorce except in cases of infidelity or abuse but do understand that at some point you cannot stay in some emotionally when someone else is detaching. Hopefully someone will come by with some more opinions.


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## JAYBLACK973 (Feb 21, 2011)

Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate it.. God bless..


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## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

It sounds like she checked out some time ago like my husband did. For months (9 months to be exact) I suffered horrible depression and anxiety because I knew something wasn't right with him. He began acting detached from me in October of last year and finally in June of this year he asked for a divorce. I tried for months to get him to open up to me about how he was feeling, but he said he didn't know and then one day, BAM, he asks for a divorce. All I've been able to do is go on the best I can. I see him often and we talk and/or text quite a bit, but I don't think there is any hope of us getting back together.

I think all you can do, Jay, is go on with your life. Where we live we have to be separated 12 months before we can file for divorce so there's no real hurry there. I feel like we're just waiting out the time before he up and files. I don't know what the laws are where you are at. I think that if she wants the divorce that it's up to her to do the leg work. Just go on about your business and don't give her any more money, it sounds like she's using you there. Sorry I don't have much for you, but it sounds like she's got some soul searching to do and all you can do is to try to move on, hard as it is.


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## JAYBLACK973 (Feb 21, 2011)

I think that you nailed it. My pastor who happens to be a therapist said that she is using me because of my love for her. I told her that if she really wants a divorce then i will grant her one. I'm not a bad husband, father or person for that matter but she portrays me as an awful husband. i actually made plenty of changes that she pointed out to me. I work out everyday and her boss said that i look pretty good, i dont think she liked another woman saying that :0. I recently took the keys to the house back because she was coming here and stealing stuff.


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## dhpoolman (Sep 4, 2011)

I'm sorry your going through this. It sucks for all of us. I would cut off the $$$!


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## JAYBLACK973 (Feb 21, 2011)

I woke up today feeling angry, lost, frustrated and just crying. I was fine this weekend but i cant shake off the feelings. My wifes cousin called to see how im doing. Although i have had some resentment towards her family, there were some i was close to. He told me that many one them dont support her actions and are very dissapointed in her. Its hard to fight the urges of calling or texting her today.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Jay, I can only think that she is reacting to her situation and not you. As a reasonably healthy person, I can not relate to what feelings she must be having. She is a blessed person, for the opportunities of life and for you. Stay strong, protect you, your heart and your wallet...you never know the true intentions of another person.


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