# Nothing left to do? Don't want to stop fighting



## VicLuc (Mar 13, 2013)

Hello, my name is Victor, and I'm 27 years old, from São Paulo.

I was not married, but in a 9 months relationship where we were seriously planning for it, and actively working so that we could move in together as soon as we could, so I reckon the relationship was serious enough to grant a post here...

I just don't know what to do anymore.

Here's what happened. Over the course of the relationship I began noticing that I had an alcohol addiction. My girlfriend never really noticed this, because the way the addiction is, I tend to overindulge on my own, when no one is around. As time went by, I noticed the problem getting more serious, but out of fear of rejection, and fear of facing the problem myself, didn't say anything. My drinking was under control MOST of the time, she never saw me drunk, and the slip ups were getting rarer. But when they happened, they were harsher. So I slipped up one day before a big trip we had planned. So I came out with the problem. My girlfriend accepted it, we had our minds set in not letting it happen again, and we had a nice trip. One month later, I slip up again. This gets me COMPLETELY off guard, since I had a resolve not to drink anymore. I left her home, went back to my house and got wasted, for no reason at all other than I had an uncontrollable urge to drink.

Next morning, still drunk and desperate, and thinking that since I broke out the issue, I should call her. I ask for forgiviness and for help. She can't wrap her around it, we argue, she breaks up with me. Over the phone. This was a month and a half ago. Her stance is that she is VERY hurt over the fact that I hadn't told her before, that her trust is broken. When I argued that I had told her one month prior, she said that she didn't know it was that serious. Well, I didn't, either. She says there's no chance of reconciliation while she's this hurt.

We maintained constant contact on Facebook, since it was the only way. She seeked me out as much as I did. Wanting to know how I felt, what I was doing, telling me every step of her day to day life, even though I never asked those questions. Out of the blue, one friday, she sends me a message there during the night. Saying that she felt guilty she didn't give a chance to speak face to face. That if we should meet, I shouldn't try anything, that I should see it as a chance for reconciliation, but as a way to vent.

So we meet. One hour of relaxed conversation, like nothing happened, before we enter the issue. I approach it, and apologize for everything my addiction may have caused. I tell her everything I'm doing to get better, to not ever let this happen again in any circunstances (I'm religiously attending AA meetings and it's doing wonders for me). She cries, it's obviously touching her someway. She seems utterly confused about everything. That she doesn't want me or anyone else as a man right now. That she obviously has feelings for me, and misses us. That she wishes she could say ''yes'' to us getting back together, but does not feel it at the moment. When telling me about a guy that approached her and she refused, tells me that ''if she were single, there'd be no problem knowing him, but she didn't want it''. I let it slip by. This was the same night an aunt that was very close to me died, and I got the messagen as I was leaving her home. She heard it, cried as much as me, held my hand, caressed my hair. I'm honest and tell her that this was a moment I want her by my side, that I want her love back. She says she's with me, but she knows I want more than that. We hug silently, twice, for a long time. I don't try anything. For the next few days, she's a constant presence in my life. Messaging to know how I feel, seeking conversation. I make a fatal mistake. Feeling fragile and confused, I ask her out on a date with a line like ''you love me, I love you, let's go out and get dinner''. This makes her completely mad about how I don't respect her wishes and feelings, that I'm clearly not interested about being her friend, proceeds to delete the remaining pictures of us together on facebook, that were there a month later still. I know the timing was completely off, but it just shows me an imature, selfish person.

She stops seeking me out. Still the ''let's stop talking about ''us'', if it's meant to be, we will be together'' part. When I go to talk to her, she responds normally. Does not freeze me out, just regular friendly conversation.

I don't think this relationship is completely dead. I want to FIGHT for her feelings again, but I just don't know what else to do, or how to feel. I feel it slipping through my hands. It's been 45 days, and not one of them has been peaceful.

Sorry for the long story, but I think the details are just as important. Please, if anyone has any advice about how to fight for this, I'd be so grateful...


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## ConfusedInMichigan (Oct 27, 2012)

I dont know if I can really give you any advice, but all I can say is that my situation is somewhat similar. It seems to me that people don't understand alcohol abuse. My ex was addicted to MANY things. Most of them unhealthy addictions. However, after she discovered my alcohol problem, she never really "got it." To others, they think stopping alcohol abuse is as easy as putting the drink down. There addictions are "different." They aren' just bad behaviors to them. Our drinking problem, to them, is a real problem...but, we should be able to simply stop.

Im not sure if they have AA where you live, but by all means check it out. Its a hell of a program full of positive people who have been there and understand.


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## VicLuc (Mar 13, 2013)

Yes, it's very hard for most people who don't have the alcoholic addiction to come to terms with it. My ex, for example, makes a point that she feels betrayed because I didn't tell her before, even if it was not a matter of personal insult, but rather a question of fear and recognition of the problem for me. She does not understand the fact that I spent most of our time together sober, and out of the blue, drank like that. The fact that you may spend months without wanting to drink, and only need a taste for the addiction to come back raging is totally alien to her.

Like I said, I'm attending AA meetings. And it's great, it's such a relief and huge help staying off booze.

So I caved in and sent a message to her this morning. Nothing fancy, just wishing for a good day, and that I felt like seeing her smile. Breaking contact is harder than stop drinking, period.

Went out on a date last night. It was good for me, gave me a taste of ''normal life'' after the break up.


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