# New Here!



## hsutton94 (Sep 29, 2016)

Hey everyone! I just recently found out about this forum through an online acquaintance. I'm F43, married and struggling to maintain my fidelity. My husband and I have been in a dead bedroom for several years, and lately I'm battling the good/evil that will emerge if I take that path.

I've dabbled with online relationships recently, in fact that is how I met the person who sent me here. We have had a few really deep and meaningful talks in the last few days. It's amazing to me how you can connect on such an deep level with a relative stranger and feel completely at ease. Anyway, he expressed how valuable this site and the advice he has received here, has been in his own marriage. So, here I am, saying hello and hoping I can find the support here to get me through this tough time. 

Thanks for reading. Feel free to say hello!


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

hsutton94 said:


> It's amazing to me how you can connect on such an deep level with a relative stranger and feel completely at ease.


You think you can but it's a farce. 

You feel at ease because it's anonymous. 

Imagine saying the same things to a stranger sitting across the table from you.

It's all fun and games until somebody gets hurt.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

hsutton94 said:


> I've dabbled with online relationships recently,


Why not dabble with the H? Have you discussed what is going on inside you with your H? If not it's a bit unfair don't you think?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Besides little going on in the bedroom, what are the major problems in your marriage?


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Welcome to the craziness. 😁

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


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## sdrawkcab (Jun 16, 2016)

I would recommend having deep, meaningful conversations with your husband versus a married man online...


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## hsutton94 (Sep 29, 2016)

sdrawkcab said:


> I would recommend having deep, meaningful conversations with your husband versus a married man online...


I have. Often, and the result is always the same. My needs are irrelevant to him.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Welcome to TAM.

And you are absolutely correct.

Cheating, either on line or in person, is incredibly easy.

As you have found out.

Now, you going to stop cheating, or what? 

You might need to look at other options including moving on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hsutton94 (Sep 29, 2016)

Yeswecan said:


> Why not dabble with the H? Have you discussed what is going on inside you with your H? If not it's a bit unfair don't you think?


We've talked about it a lot. For years, and he can't explain why he's unwilling to work on our marriage or the lack of sex. It's heartbreaking and incredibly frustrating.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

In this order:

Try to fix what's broken by talking, making your concerns know, and enlist the help of therapists, friends, or family.

Give up and file for divorce.

Go meet another man.

Or.. tell hubby since you're not getting it from him you're going to get it elsewhere and he's welcome to do the same. Even if for convenience or finances you'll still cohabitate. 

If you want to give up on the marriage and go screw around with some other guy, that's fine. But to do it in secrecy behind the cloak of deception, well, those are the actions of a selfish coward. Is that you?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

caruso said:


> You think you can but it's a farce.
> 
> You feel at ease because it's anonymous.
> 
> ...


Or as we say in Britain and Ireland "it's all fun and games until someone has their eye out."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

hsutton94 said:


> We've talked about it a lot. For years, and he can't explain why he's unwilling to work on our marriage or the lack of sex. It's heartbreaking and incredibly frustrating.


Then it would be fair to advise your H it is time to move on as a result of room mate like living conditions and no intimacy. He will get on board and work at it or agree. This will free you from a lot of grief associated with infidelity.


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## sdrawkcab (Jun 16, 2016)

Ok....so you have choices...

1) Be okay that your husband treats your feelings as irrelevant (martyr)
2) Tell your husband that you deserve to be treated with care and his disregard for your feelings is unacceptable. (Give him a chance to either step up or he'll reveal that he truly doesn't care)...tehn act accordingly (separate/divorce)...

In the meantime...do not look to other men (online or IRL)...maintain integrity and tend to your marriage or dissolution thereof before compromising your choices.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Maybe more background on your marriage problems?

Do you think the poor sex life is the cause of other problems in the marriage, or a symptom. (both can happen).

Was there ever a time when the marraige and sex life were good?


I'm not going to fault you for looking elsewhere, but only if you really have addressed every other possible solution and if for some reason divoce is not an option. Is that the case?


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## GreyEcho (Sep 28, 2016)

Welcome


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

GreyEcho said:


> Welcome


Why do you go around welcoming all the new people?

You're new yourself.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

caruso said:


> Why do you go around welcoming all the new people?
> 
> 
> 
> You're new yourself.




New people can't welcome new people?

Geesh!



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

Ceegee said:


> New people can't welcome new people?
> 
> Geesh!


It's just that he hasn't posted his story and goes around posting one liners all over the place many of which make it seem like he didn't even read the thread because they're just general comments that don't address the content of the thread. 

Almost like a bot would do.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

hsutton94 said:


> I have. Often, and the result is always the same. My needs are irrelevant to him.


Why would you seek the attention of someone else while you are still married? Cheating on your husband isn't going to solve anything, it's only going to make things worse and complicate your life. You also will lose your integrity, dignity and self respect in the process. If this is how you feel and he is unwilling to put in the effort, do yourself a favor and file for divorce.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

hsutton94 said:


> Hey everyone! I just recently found out about this forum through an online acquaintance. I'm F43, married and struggling to maintain my fidelity. My husband and I have been in a dead bedroom for several years, and lately I'm battling the good/evil that will emerge if I take that path.
> 
> I've dabbled with online relationships recently, in fact that is how I met the person who sent me here. We have had a few really deep and meaningful talks in the last few days. It's amazing to me how you can connect on such an deep level with a relative stranger and feel completely at ease. Anyway, he expressed how valuable this site and the advice he has received here, has been in his own marriage. So, here I am, saying hello and hoping I can find the support here to get me through this tough time.
> 
> Thanks for reading. Feel free to say hello!


Welcome hsutton94,

I find it interesting that a married man who claims to have really valued advice from TAM would be having deep and meaningful talks with married women online.

Are you still involved with this man?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

hsutton94 said:


> I have. Often, and the result is always the same. My needs are irrelevant to him.


I sympathize with you....I do.

Take the high road, get a divorce. File for divorce. 

See if he wakes up when he gets hit with 4 sheets of paper, about 2.5 thousands of an inch thick, 8.5 x 11-in legal paper.

Very light in weight. But when presented, they hit like Paul Bunyan's axe. This will rend his head, a splitting head ache roils up.

Be the Lady that he married. Just because he morphed into a bum.....you need not.

Good Luck!


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

Ceegee said:


> Welcome hsutton94,
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Exactly what I was thinking.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

You start "dabbling" in online emotional attachment to heal your bedroom problems and you will soon have problems all over the house, sand that is if you are still living in the same house.

Instead of "connecting" with strange men on gthe internet, why don't you put a leash on your husband and drag his ass to a sex therapist and clue him in in front of a professional on what is missing.

If you do a little research you will find that EA's can been as destructive to a marriage as PA. And if your online "friend" is geographically close, then you are on a slippery slope. 

Reverse course while you still can


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## SadDaisy (Sep 16, 2015)

hsutton94 said:


> I have. Often, and the result is always the same. My needs are irrelevant to him.


I have tried to "talk" to my husband for years. The bedroom stuff was always fine, but any other questions asked or issues expressed were completely ignored.

Do you talk at dinner, do stuff together, travel?


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

hsutton94 said:


> I have. Often, and the result is always the same. My needs are irrelevant to him.


Then why are you with him? Jeez, gtfo.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

caruso said:


> Why do you go around welcoming all the new people?
> 
> You're new yourself.


 @caruso, just stop it. I do not know what you thought you would achieve with your snide remark, but it's just made people go :wtf: is up with Caruso?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@hsutton94 Have you had your husband checked out for depression? Low testosterone levels?

The problem with people suffering from those conditions is that often they do not know there is anything "off" about their behaviour.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Frequently people with no desire for sex themselves do not understand that others do desire sex, and often view such desires with contempt, joking about someone being a slvt or old-goat. They can be dismissive "you are like a child who whines when he doesn't get dessert". Generally they don't want to be "treated" because they are convinced that they are completely normal. 

Its difficult to leave a marriage because of a lack of sex. Your friends question why you left such a nice caring man/ woman. If you tell them why, they may assume that there is something wrong with you that caused your partner to not want you.

The problem is bad for men and terrible for women, because of the general assumption that if a man doesn't want sex it MUST be the fault of the woman because ALL men want sex.


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## GoodFunLife (Apr 24, 2015)

I would give you the following advice -

First figure out if you love your husband enough to try to save your marriage. Don't focus just on the sex, make sure everything else is functioning as it should be. Ask yourself if you still enjoy his companionship and still feel a strong emotional connection with him. 

If you really do love him, find a way to make him understand once and for all how important sex and intimacy are to you. If he doesn't respond the way a man who loves his woman should, or if he is unwilling or incapable of articulating what is holding him back, it's probably time for you to move on and find a man who wants all of you. 

In the meantime if you need some online flirtation to take care of your needs and add a little sizzle to what's been missing just do not let any physical or emotional connection with other men happen while you are trying to salvage things. 

Good luck.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

May I suggest that you read, "Who Will You Become" by Linda MacDonald? It was written for people in your exact situation.


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## GreyEcho (Sep 28, 2016)

caruso said:


> Why do you go around welcoming all the new people?
> 
> 
> 
> You're new yourself.




Seems to me like your the one with the problem not me.. New or not I can still be polite.. Something you don't seem to grasp very well.. If you don't like what I write fine.. I don't plan on responding to anymore if your threads.. Don't be a **** all of the time .. 


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

H Sutton,

Hope you come back. The sister can be very helpful IF you want it to be. Without knowing much other than no bedroom activity and your husband treats you in your opinion badly and does not care, here is what we have so far

(1) you are already cheating on him online, apparently with more than one man
(2) you seem convinced he does not care and will not do anything helpful. A little more on how you have approached him m igt be helpful
(3) you seem to be trying to figure out way to justify having a physical affair because "you deserve it"

Now, as you can see from the responses, you are NOT going to get encouragement here to continue to deceive your husband, regardless of what he is doing or not doing. You ARE entitled to a satisfying sex life OR divorce but not adultery.

If he refuses to go to MC or sex therapist, then the ethical thing for you to do is to TELL HIM DIRECTLY to his face that you are going to insist on an open marriage and give him the choice to either change and get "all in" or divorce you. 

Whatever your problames are not, if you thin k cheating on him is going to in the long term solve them you are in for a real surprise. Remember, no one who starts an affair thinks they are going to get caught, but most do, especially if it is more than a one time thing. And very few are prepared for the consequences of how their life will change when the hammer drops all of a sudden out of no where. If you are prepared to uproot your life in an instant if he catches you then continue what you are doing.
I realize that may not be what Cosmopolitan says will happen but if your read on here a while you will understand the game of Russian roulette you are thinking of playing.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

hsutton94 said:


> I have. Often, and the result is always the same. My needs are irrelevant to him.


So then divorce him and leave the other lady's husband alone as well.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

hsutton94 said:


> Hey everyone! I just recently found out about this forum through an online acquaintance. I'm F43, married and struggling to maintain my fidelity. My husband and I have been in a dead bedroom for several years, and lately I'm battling the good/evil that will emerge if I take that path.
> 
> I've dabbled with online relationships recently, in fact that is how I met the person who sent me here. We have had a few really deep and meaningful talks in the last few days. It's amazing to me how you can connect on such an deep level with a relative stranger and feel completely at ease. Anyway, he expressed how valuable this site and the advice he has received here, has been in his own marriage. So, here I am, saying hello and hoping I can find the support here to get me through this tough time.
> 
> Thanks for reading. Feel free to say hello!


I find it highly unlikely that anyone who frequents TAM and is married would be putting themselves on online dating sites! Don't you find it screwed up that someone who claims this site is valuable in their MARRIAGE is on any online dating sites??


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

GreyEcho said:


> Seems to me like your the one with the problem not me.. New or not I can still be polite.. Something you don't seem to grasp very well.. If you don't like what I write fine.. I don't plan on responding to anymore if your threads.. Don't be a **** all of the time ..
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Your first series of posts were general one liners typical of a spam bot. 

For what it's worth I now believe you are a real live person.


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## GreyEcho (Sep 28, 2016)

caruso said:


> Your first series of posts were general one liners typical of a spam bot.
> 
> For what it's worth I now believe you are a real live person.


Thanks, I appreciate it


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

Ceegee said:


> Welcome hsutton94,
> 
> I find it interesting that a married man who claims to have really valued advice from TAM would be having deep and meaningful talks with married women online.
> 
> Are you still involved with this man?


I know, right? The advice he must have got here is studying the CWI section to better know how to hide an affair.

OP, how do you think it would go if you told your H you were tempted to cheat on him? Do you think that would rouse him from his complacency?


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