# Suspect my son's step-dad of corporal punishment in the past



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Feeling frustrated and unsure of what to do. About a year ago my son (7 at the time) had told me that his mother's new husband was mean to him. I asked him to elaborate and he said that the man would flick his finger hard, "punch" him and squeeze his limbs and joints hard when my son wasn't behaving.

Of course, I had to follow up with this, I tried to be non-accusatory but of course was met with defensiveness. My son is intelligent and manipulative and I don't put it past him to fib and lie with stories such as this. I was assured most emphatically by my ex and her new H that the accusations were not true. Nor have I witnessed any marks or bruises that would indicate severe physical harm.

During the past year there have been many behavioral challenges with my son, and tensions between me and my ex(and her H) - he was adamant that we need to have the same set of rules in both houses and was insinuating I am not tough enough, to which I succinctly told him he does not dictate how I parent my child in my home.

This morning while chatting with my son, it came up that the stepdad is mean to him. I reminded him that there are rules and boundaries in both households and that parents need to be mean sometimes - then he said again that he "hurts" him. I asked him to describe, and in clear detail he described the stepdad fashioning something out of branches from one of their houseplants together with rubber bands and using it to hit his bottom. And also that he "flicks" him on the mouth. I asked him when this happened and he said "quite a while ago". I told my son that the stepdad is not allowed to and that he needs to tell me if this happens, only his mom is allowed to spank - then my son told me that the stepdad makes the rules for his mom and thus for him. What is particularly concerning for me is knowing that the stepdad is Nigerian and the description fits perfectly the corporal punishment that is common for kids in that country where he grew up - they "teach with tough love"

I don't know how to breach this topic again without some evidence, particularly when it was denied last time and it is known my son will make up fictional events whenever he gets in trouble (at school, home, friends' houses). I consider corporal punishment with any kind of object abuse, but even any kind of physical punishment like spanking should not be coming from him at all - if my son was that out of control then I will go pick him up and remove him from the situation. But it's not exactly my right to unless I'm prepared to back it up legally, which is a battle I don't think I can win.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

It is a reportable disclosure from your son. I'm not usually one to run to CPS on a whim but this, this I would report to them about. They can and will come after you for neglecting to protect if they find out you didn't report the disclosure from your son and it happens to be true.

It is better to err on the side of safety (in this case) than to be sorry later that you didn't report it.

Let them sort it out, that's their job. I reiterate, I'm not the type to suggest CPS unless its absolutely necessary. Case and point, how does a child come up with that much detail that fits in his stepfather's cultural disciplinary methods? It had to be used with him for that much detail from a child his age to know how to describe it that well.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

CantePe said:


> It is a reportable disclosure from your son. I'm not usually one to run to CPS on a whim but this, this I would report to them about. They can and will come after you for neglecting to protect if they find out you didn't report the disclosure from your son and it happens to be true.
> 
> It is better to err on the side of safety (in this case) than to be sorry later that you didn't report it.
> 
> Let them sort it out, that's their job. I reiterate, I'm not the type to suggest CPS unless its absolutely necessary. Case and point, how does a child come up with that much detail that fits in his stepfather's cultural disciplinary methods? It had to be used with him for that much detail from a child his age to know how to describe it that well.


My son is very visual and is phenomenally good at piecing things together. It is possible that the stepdad merely mentioned how he was disciplined as a child, and my son used it to fit into a fabrication that would garner him sympathy and regard. If many of the things my son said was taken as factual disclosure CPS would constantly be following up at both households.

Things have been going particularly well as far as communications with my ex, and further since they have had a newborn 3 months ago my son has actually been showing a lot more responsibility and says he gets a lot more positive attention. Going straight to CPS would most assuredly ruin the good thing going on. I am going to approach them with what my son said, and should it not be received I will follow your approach CantePe (thanks for your reply).


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

I can't imagine how you must feel right now. I hope that it isn't true at all. I'm not the praying type but I'll bend knee for you and your son Lon.

Good luck!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Lila said:


> Your story strikes a nerve with me. My son is about your son's age and I would lose my ever loving mind if I ever found out that someone other than my husband was using corporal punishment to discipline my child. With that said, considering your son's active imagination, I can understand why you are hesitant to reopen this discussion with your ex and her H.
> 
> The problem with all of this is proving that what your son is saying is truth. Your ex's H could be doing this to him at times when your ex is not present so she thinks it's a lie. I hate to suggest stuff like this (just trying to think outside the box) but is there any way to hide a VAR inside your son's favorite stuffed doll so you can get an inside glimpse of what is being said to him at your ex's house?
> 
> Before involving CPS, you might want to consider taking him to a therapist. They can do the 'dirty work' of reporting any possible abuse on your behalf.


Planting a VAR in my son's toys is against the law (I would have to be present in the conversation for it to be legal), and with the nature of my concern that is not a good choice, but it's not a bad idea.

Your counselling suggestion is an even better idea. It's not even that I'm totally against corporal punishment as it's legally permitted here - just that if there is truth to what my son says it is being done in an unhealthy way which I as a legal guardian am not consenting to - my concern is not over physical harm, it's the emotional damage and my being excluded from the truth about what his environment really is.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Just saw this...  

I've kind of been in your shoes only with my ex. It IS tricky. Although a VAR might not be legal, it would give you answers. You don't have to use it for anything but your own peace of mind to help you determine the next steps.

When my daughter starting acting hateful and strange after my ex filed for custody, I consulted my attorney. She found case law in the US that basically said as her parent, I could give consent on her behalf to record her conversations with her father. So the one-party consent rule where I am was satisfied and first try I got a recording of him coaching her to "stick with their plan" and calling me a B while on the phone with her. Goodness knows how many awful things he said the other times. It was legal and admissible. Check with your laws to see - sometimes there's a loophole. Good luck.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Yeah, I'm very wary of CPS but in this instance I do believe at the very least I'd let my ex know that my son has been informed he should report to me ANY physical punishment dealt out by her husband and when he does CPS will be called immediately along with your lawyer so he can start drawing up new custody arrangements.

Show her ****tard husband how "tough" you really are.


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