# Relocating in a relationship



## Starlight25 (Jan 5, 2022)

Started dating a guy that moved to LA from a different state, it’s been 8 months since we started talking. We’re both in our late 30’s so things progressed pretty fast (not engaged but talking about the future). In the early phases of our relationship I clearly communicated that I have no intentions of moving to another state & that I want to settle down in LA and have a family here. He agreed and said if that’s the way to be with me he will relocate permanently in LA. The issue arose recently when I asked him what his thoughts were. He went back on his word and was persuading me to move back to his hometown. I was upset, if I knew this beforehand I wouldn’t have continued seeing him. There was a verbal agreement that’s he’d stay. I gave it a day to think about it n decided to compromise, 3 yrs in LA and then we can move to his hometown. His response was 3 yrs was too long and that he needs to think about it. In this very moment he is still thinking. Do you guys think this guy is worth it? Is it valid for him to have to think about this for 3 plus days? Is he trustworthy? Lots of questions swarming in my head…and most importantly does he genuinely love me. Can you guys help? Thanks in advance


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

This is a big deal. You set a hard boundary and he wants to negotiate it away. You can probably expect that for a lifetime if you stay with him. If you genuinely have a hard boundary stick to it and standup for yourself. There other fish out there if this one doesn't work out.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Is this all on line?


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

I've moved to 7 states so far. At this point I'm done moving, but if my husband's job moves him again, I'll move because I want to be next to him. 

It seems both of you want different things. It's not his fault, it's not your fault. 

I think it's better to go separate ways because both of you can start resenting each other. You can find someone who wants to live in LA, he can find someone who wants to live in his hometown, and you both can be happy.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Starlight25 said:


> Do you guys think this guy is worth it?


Nope. You made it crystal clear you want to remain in LA. He rescinded his agreement. Let him live in his hometown. 

Some things can be compromised. Other things, not so much. My personal opinion is things like having kids, what religion (if any) to follow, and where to live often leave one party feeling VERY resentful when compromise is necessary.



Starlight25 said:


> s it valid for him to have to think about this for 3 plus days?


It's his thought process. It's perfectly valid if he wants to think about it for three years. HIS life. HIS choice.



Starlight25 said:


> Is he trustworthy?


Depends on what you consider "trustworthy." Again, I can only offer MY take on this. Sure, people can change their minds. But he built up an expectation for you that he'd live in LA. He's changed his mind. Nothing at all the matter with that. There's also nothing the matter with you not wishing to compromise. 

People who compromise, however, on things they hold dear to their hearts? They end up with a butt-load of resentment. Seriously.


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## Starlight25 (Jan 5, 2022)

Diana7 said:


> Is this all on line?


No he moved to LA for one year.


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## Starlight25 (Jan 5, 2022)

BigDaddyNY said:


> This is a big deal. You set a hard boundary and he wants to negotiate it away. You can probably expect that for a lifetime if you stay with him. If you genuinely have a hard boundary stick to it and standup for yourself. There other fish out there if this one doesn't work out.


Thank you for your response


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

It's possible that he was being honest when he agreed to stay in LA permanently, then later realized he cannot. But, chances are he knew damn well that he was lying and he hoped he could change your mind. He is probably dragging things out now hoping to put pressure on you/make you nervous so that you will bend to his wishes. If so, he will be a terrible life partner.

You said that you would have ended the relationship if you knew then, what you know now. So end it. Staying just because you have invested more time isn't a good reason. Dating is a time to figure out if you are compatible or not, and what have you learned? That you are not.

You are both firm on where you want to live, and it is a major incompatibility. It's not like you're married with three kids and a dog. You are only dating and 8 months really is not a long time. Cut him loose...


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Starlight25 said:


> Started dating a guy that moved to LA from a different state, it’s been 8 months since we started talking. We’re both in our late 30’s so things progressed pretty fast (not engaged but talking about the future). In the early phases of our relationship I clearly communicated that I have no intentions of moving to another state & that I want to settle down in LA and have a family here. He agreed and said if that’s the way to be with me he will relocate permanently in LA. The issue arose recently when I asked him what his thoughts were. He went back on his word and was persuading me to move back to his hometown. I was upset, if I knew this beforehand I wouldn’t have continued seeing him. There was a verbal agreement that’s he’d stay. I gave it a day to think about it n decided to compromise, 3 yrs in LA and then we can move to his hometown. His response was 3 yrs was too long and that he needs to think about it. In this very moment he is still thinking. Do you guys think this guy is worth it? Is it valid for him to have to think about this for 3 plus days? Is he trustworthy? Lots of questions swarming in my head…and most importantly does he genuinely love me. Can you guys help? Thanks in advance


It's very easy to just tell women what they want to hear online in a long distance relationship. Moving twice in 3 years wouldn't sound appealing to anybody. He's not going to do that. I think you should just date other people who are local if you want to have any dating success


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

ETA: It also sounds like you are trying to fit this situation into the who's-right-and-who's-wrong box. It isn't necessarily a matter of right or wrong. 

Does he really love you? I don't know. Ask him.


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## Starlight25 (Jan 5, 2022)

Prodigal said:


> Nope. You made it crystal clear you want to remain in LA. He rescinded his agreement. Let him live in his hometown.
> 
> Some things can be compromised. Other things, not so much. My personal opinion is things like having kids, what religion (if any) to follow, and where to live often leave one party feeling VERY resentful when compromise is necessary.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your response


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## Starlight25 (Jan 5, 2022)

bobert said:


> It's possible that he was being honest when he agreed to stay in LA permanently, then later realized he cannot. But, chances are he knew damn well that he was lying and he hoped he could change your mind. He is probably dragging things out now hoping to put pressure on you/make you nervous so that you will bend to his wishes. If so, he will be a terrible life partner.
> 
> You said that you would have ended the relationship if you knew then, what you know now. So end it. Staying just because you have invested more time isn't a good reason. Dating is a time to figure out if you are compatible or not, and what have you learned? That you are not.
> 
> You are both firm on where you want to live, and it is a major incompatibility. It's not like you're married with three kids and a dog. You are only dating and 8 months really is not a long time. Cut him loose...


You’re absolutely right. Thanks for this.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Long distance relationships where neither are happy about moving away rarely work.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Sorry...

No half-way intelligent man would want to live in LA.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> Sorry...
> 
> No half-way intelligent man would want to live in LA.


Or woman. Freaking LA is a dump. You wouldn't pay me enough to live there.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

And I forgot to mention, I wouldn't for a second contemplate rising my kids in or around LA school system.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

He's changed his mind, he has that right, just as you have the right to end the relationship if you really don't want to move. It doesn't make it fair, or mean it doesn't suck, it just is what it is. It happens all the time.

One thing is for sure though, if you're late 30's and want a family, you don't have time to waste on thinking, you need to make a decision now.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Whether or not anyone thinks LA is a dump is moot. The OP likes living there. And while I can sit on my keyboard telling her to dump this guy, I can understand where she is experiencing angst over the turn of events. The bottom line is this man wants to remain in his hometown. Perhaps he was more emotionally invested in the relationship earlier. Now it sounds like he's decided remaining where he lives now is more important.

@Starlight25 - It just doesn't sound like this guy is a keeper. I'm sorry. I think it's time for you to move on and look for men in the LA area.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> Sorry...
> 
> No half-way intelligent man would want to live in LA.


I told my husband, there's no way I'm moving to LA, NYC, or Chicago. I enjoy visiting them, but I won't live there.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

People that compromise themselves for others end up being on the short end of the stick in a relationship........eventually.


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## Starlight25 (Jan 5, 2022)

Prodigal said:


> Nope. You made it crystal clear you want to remain in LA. He rescinded his agreement. Let him live in his hometown.
> 
> Some things can be compromised. Other things, not so much. My personal opinion is things like having kids, what religion (if any) to follow, and where to live often leave one party feeling VERY resentful when compromise is necessary.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the sound advice.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Starlight25 said:


> Started dating a guy that moved to LA from a different state, it’s been 8 months since we started talking. We’re both in our late 30’s so things progressed pretty fast (not engaged but talking about the future). In the early phases of our relationship I clearly communicated that I have no intentions of moving to another state & that I want to settle down in LA and have a family here. He agreed and said if that’s the way to be with me he will relocate permanently in LA. The issue arose recently when I asked him what his thoughts were. He went back on his word and was persuading me to move back to his hometown. I was upset, if I knew this beforehand I wouldn’t have continued seeing him. There was a verbal agreement that’s he’d stay. I gave it a day to think about it n decided to compromise, 3 yrs in LA and then we can move to his hometown. His response was 3 yrs was too long and that he needs to think about it. In this very moment he is still thinking. Do you guys think this guy is worth it? Is it valid for him to have to think about this for 3 plus days? Is he trustworthy? Lots of questions swarming in my head…and most importantly does he genuinely love me. Can you guys help? Thanks in advance


Ah the old bait and switch. He told you what you wanted to hear, and then when he thought he had you wrapped around his finger, he sprung the truth on you. I think that's REALLY nice of you to compromise. And he has the gall to say he needs to think about it...lol. I think the ball is in your court. You should let him know YOU need to think about whether to remain in a relationship that was a bait and switch.


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## Starlight25 (Jan 5, 2022)

Prodigal said:


> Whether or not anyone thinks LA is a dump is moot. The OP likes living there. And while I can sit on my keyboard telling her to dump this guy, I can understand where she is experiencing angst over the turn of events. The bottom line is this man wants to remain in his hometown. Perhaps he was more emotionally invested in the relationship earlier. Now it sounds like he's decided remaining where he lives now is more important.
> 
> @Starlight25 - It just doesn't sound like this guy is a keeper. I'm sorry. I think it's time for you to move on and look for men in the LA area.


After much thought...I don't think someone who can go back on their word is reliable nor trustworthy. It's a bit hard but I plan to drop this guy.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Excellent decision.


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## Starlight25 (Jan 5, 2022)

GC1234 said:


> Ah the old bait and switch. He told you what you wanted to hear, and then when he thought he had you wrapped around his finger, he sprung the truth on you. I think that's REALLY nice of you to compromise. And he has the gall to say he needs to think about it...lol. I think the ball is in your court. You should let him know YOU need to think about whether to remain in a relationship that was a bait and switch.


yes, I've been bamboozled.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Starlight25 said:


> yes, I've been bamboozled.


I'm sorry. But you're in a good position to make a solid decision. I know it's hard, but if the red flags are there, believe them. It seems minimal, but it will continue well into the future.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Starlight25 said:


> yes, I've been bamboozled.


You've instantly increased your respectability for saying "bamboozled"


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## Starlight25 (Jan 5, 2022)

GC1234 said:


> I'm sorry. But you're in a good position to make a solid decision. I know it's hard, but if the red flags are there, believe them. It seems minimal, but it will continue well into the future.


Thanks for empathizing and your wisdom.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Starlight25 said:


> After much thought...I don't think someone who can go back on their word is reliable nor trustworthy. It's a bit hard but I plan to drop this guy.


Has he given you the reason why he wants to move back to his hometown? Is it financial or for family reasons?


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

What's more important to you OP, LA or him? Answer the question for yourself, make a firm decision, act accordingly in full realization of the ramifications and consequences of you're choice.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Starlight25 said:


> yes, I've been bamboozled.


I'm not at all so sure, but it seems that LA is your choice then. Don't blame him for your choices, you make them yourself, just like he made his.


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## DallasCowboyFan (Nov 20, 2012)

24 years ago after being divorced once (she was in love with someone else), I moved 100 miles, found a lower paying job and gave up the life that I had to marry my high school sweetheart who was also divorced and had been physically abused. She didn't have much self confidence, she wanted to stay near her mother and I felt it was best that I relocate. I didn't want to, but I had a choice and I wanted to start a new life with her. We didn't negotiate location when we started dating and I agonized over this decision for about two days. Then I decided it was best and I wanted her more than I wanted to stay in any one place and I let go of any animosity I had about moving so we could move forward. If the relationship is worth it, someone will sacrifice location for it. If no one will, you should move on. If the relationship is not more important than the location, you don't want to marry him anyway


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


Starlight25 said:



Do you guys think this guy is worth it?

Click to expand...

*Yeah...I'd let this one go.

He's changed his mind about staying in LA and that's his choice. Why would you want to move to Podunk Wisconsin in 3 years when he already KNEW you intended to stay in LA? I wouldn't do it. Screw that.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

If the OP thought he was worth it, she wouldn't be asking if it's worth it, it would just be worth it.

It's clearly not worth it. There's nothing wrong with changing his mind about staying in LA. There's also nothing wrong with not changing yours.


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## Starlight25 (Jan 5, 2022)

Andy1001 said:


> Has he given you the reason why he wants to move back to his hometown? Is it financial or for family reasons?


His reasons are better quality of life and that financially it makes more sense since everything in LA is more expensive.


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## Starlight25 (Jan 5, 2022)

DallasCowboyFan said:


> 24 years ago after being divorced once (she was in love with someone else), I moved 100 miles, found a lower paying job and gave up the life that I had to marry my high school sweetheart who was also divorced and had been physically abused. She didn't have much self confidence, she wanted to stay near her mother and I felt it was best that I relocate. I didn't want to, but I had a choice and I wanted to start a new life with her. We didn't negotiate location when we started dating and I agonized over this decision for about two days. Then I decided it was best and I wanted her more than I wanted to stay in any one place and I let go of any animosity I had about moving so we could move forward. If the relationship is worth it, someone will sacrifice location for it. If no one will, you should move on. If the relationship is not more important than the location, you don't want to marry him anyway


thanks for sharing.


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## Starlight25 (Jan 5, 2022)

TexasMom1218 said:


> If the OP thought he was worth it, she wouldn't be asking if it's worth it, it would just be worth it.
> 
> It's clearly not worth it. There's nothing wrong with changing his mind about staying in LA. There's also nothing wrong with not changing yours.


Thank you for this. It's tough


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## Starlight25 (Jan 5, 2022)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Yeah...I'd let this one go.
> 
> He's changed his mind about staying in LA and that's his choice. Why would you want to move to Podunk Wisconsin in 3 years when he already KNEW you intended to stay in LA? I wouldn't do it. Screw that.


Thank you.


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## Robert the Truce (Nov 29, 2021)

Starlight25 said:


> Started dating a guy that moved to LA from a different state, it’s been 8 months since we started talking. We’re both in our late 30’s so things progressed pretty fast (not engaged but talking about the future). In the early phases of our relationship I clearly communicated that I have no intentions of moving to another state & that I want to settle down in LA and have a family here. He agreed and said if that’s the way to be with me he will relocate permanently in LA. The issue arose recently when I asked him what his thoughts were. He went back on his word and was persuading me to move back to his hometown. I was upset, if I knew this beforehand I wouldn’t have continued seeing him. There was a verbal agreement that’s he’d stay. I gave it a day to think about it n decided to compromise, 3 yrs in LA and then we can move to his hometown. His response was 3 yrs was too long and that he needs to think about it. In this very moment he is still thinking. Do you guys think this guy is worth it? Is it valid for him to have to think about this for 3 plus days? Is he trustworthy? Lots of questions swarming in my head…and most importantly does he genuinely love me. Can you guys help? Thanks in advance


My experience will be different to yours. i can say i was in a similar position and am happier that i did not cave in. if you move, it should be your own choice


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

The fact that location vs staying together is even on the table tells you what you need to know.

If he is really your potential life long partner (even only 8 months in), location would be lower on the priority list than maintaining the relationship.

Tell him you are staying in LA and whatever happens happens.

If he is really that into you, he'll stay.



Starlight25 said:


> I don't think someone who can go back on their word is reliable nor trustworthy


Regarding this part, you committed to move to his home town in 3 years, so remember how you thought about his decision when in 3 years, you still don't want to move if he ends up sticking it out in LA with you. (2nd reason to end it... so you don't have to follow through on this or break your word).

ETA: being able to easily visit each others' families is of significant benefit to relationships, especially with kids... you might want to add SoCal native to the dating criteria if that is important to you (assuming your family is local) so this doesn't happen again.


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