# Walking on Eggshells



## abumpintheroad (Dec 20, 2011)

I have been married for 16 yrs. My husband is an alcoholic and has been sober for 5 yrs. He is so in love with me and wants to spend every second that he can with me; so much so that he smothers me. On one hand, I feel like I shouldn't complain because he always does little things for me, like refreshing my tea or taking my shoes off when I'm in the recliner, or covering me with my snuggy if he thinks I'm cold. And he does these types of things many times a day. On the other hand, he resents one of my grown sons (from a previous marriage) for no apparent reason. (The only thing my son is guilty of is visiting me once every week.) He pouts if I show anyone else any attention, he says he can't sleep without me beside him and insists that I go to bed when he does, even though I have insomnia due to chronic pain. (if I don't, it turns into an argument). He complains if anyone in my family comes to see me, but his family can stop by any time. If I spend any money on my children (his step-children) he gripes about it for days, but I bought a vehicle for his mother and paid over $1,000 on some of her medical bills, and, of course, that's fine. He gropes me all the time; he thinks it's funny even though he knows it irritates me to no end. He wants sex SO much more than I do. Sex has turned into a chore for me. This is just skimming the surface. I could elaborate on each of these issues, but don't think it's necessary. I'm 50 yrs old and feel like I'm walking on eggshells in my own home! I'm so sick of it. I have tried talking to him about these things, but he has absolutely no ability to see things from anyone's viewpoint but his own. Help!!! Oh, and he's so insecure. I've given him no reason to be insecure. That's just how he is. (even in his previous marriages). I can't walk into, or through, a room that he is in without giving him a kiss. He asks me almost daily if 'I love him and only him'. I don't know what to do!!! I have no problem telling him what I think and how I feel, but even if he does make a small change, it's business as usual within the week. I'm too old for this crap. How do I make him understand that???


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## WhyinSC (Dec 16, 2011)

Damn you sound like you are married to the "old" me. I was so insecure... He needs to get into counceling because he believes his entire life and existence is YOU. It's not healthy for either of you and will drive you away in the end and he will NOT understand it and be completely and totally Destroyed over it!!!

Do the right thing and get him to counseling and have him visit some of the co-dependency threads. This is fixable trust me but you have to take the first step...he never will because he does not recongnize his problem.

My marriage is about over because of the same issues but I am happier after 7 months of counseling. My stbxw agreeds that I have transformed myself from a complete Beta male with Mommy issues to an Alpha (mostly) with the capacity to love in a healthy way. Takes time. He needs to hang with and learn from MEN how to treat a lady and how to treat himself!

Totally fixable. Don't give up!


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Well you dont mention if he is working or even if you are. From whose money does this spending of yours come out of. You took his drinking away and it appears he has you as the alternative. He most likely has no other interests and few friends. Youre more like a doll to him than a wife. You dont need counselling and it wont help anyway. will perhaps post further after hearing others.


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

I think you should put your foot down and tell him that things need to change. Also its not how he treats your kids his step kids and thats an issue that needs to be resolved asap the last thing you want is for kids to distant from you because your H has a problem with them they are your kids and he knew that you had them when he got with you so dont see the reason why he doesnt like the fact that they come to see you. He has issues try marriage counselling and see why he needs so much affection to the point he asks you everyday if you love him and only him. Good luck.


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## abumpintheroad (Dec 20, 2011)

whyinSC, your take on him is spot on! I've discussed his co-dependency issues with him and he still can't see it. In his mind, if he can't understand it, then it doesn't exist. He makes it very clear that his whole world revolves around me. He acts like I'm 'choosing' someone over him if I go to lunch with a friend! I really need more input from men like you who have a personal understanding of this issue.

Accept, he works. We, like millions of others, live paycheck to paycheck, but we owe no bills other than monthly utilities. I have had several large settlements due to a head-on collision 4 yrs ago. That's where the money came from to buy his mother a van and pay her medical bills.

S.K., I have talked 'til I'm blue in the face. He just gets mad and tries to turn everything I say back to me. He rarely seems to understand what I'm trying to say. (and he's not stupid, just can't see his own faults/issues. About 7 yrs ago, I told him I was just going to contact an atty and get a divorce. He was still drinking and things got physical more than once. He is truly sorry and hasn't touched me in anger since he quit drinking, but back then he admitted to me that he was too 'possessive' of me. Any time I want to do ANYTHING, he either wants to go with me, or pesters me and gripes until I just tell him I'll stay home. It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty much a loner with only a couple of friends. I've told him that if he puts himself between me and my children, he's in a deadly spot. He doesn't get it. In the past couple of months, before the weather got cold, when my 27 yr old son was here, my h would go outside and sit on the deck. Then he'd come in every 10 minutes or so and ask me if I wanted to come outside with him. I told him that I felt like that was just forcing me to "choose" between him (who I see every day) and my son (who I see once a week). He knows it makes me very happy to have my children over, and he's always saying he'll do anything to make me happy. Wth?? I even started thinking that there was something wrong with me. At that point, I started surfing the web to find somewhere that I could get 'real' people's opinions.

Thank you so much for your responses! It really helps me to see things more clearly. I guess after years of being 'smothered', you lose touch with some points of reality. Thanks for helping me with it. Any other responses will be greatly appreciated!!!!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I hope you see my PM to you. I understand what you are talking about. I married an alcoholic, who is now 10 months sober. My husband is "drying" it; as in, dry drunk.

If your husband isn't in a 12-step program, you will have the same person you had drunk. The only difference now is he isn't picking up. I don't know about you, but I got to the point that I just wanted my husband to drink so at least I could label him a drunk a-hole, rather than a dry a-hole.

Quit talking. Quit trying to show him the light. Get yourself into the nearest Al-Anon meeting ASAP. Not for him - for you! You are making yourself crazy. I understand. I was crazy too. I spent endless hours dragging hubs in and out of rehabs, detoxes, church, bible study groups, meditation groups, A.A., marriage counseling, individual counseling ... nothing worked.

I was spent. I was exhausted. And, I WAS CRAZY. I was trying to fix something only my husband could fix. He goes to a weekly group for veterans with PTSD, but A.A.? Nah! He's not one of those lowly drunks; he's a retired Army officer! So his problem, in his mind is trauma, not alcoholism.

Fine by me. I started going to Al-Anon in 1996. The only thing we respectfully request of newbies is that they try six meetings. If it's not for you, then fine.

It saved my life, and it saved my sanity. I walked away from a drunk, who is now a dry drunk. I respect his right to drink himself to death. I also respect his right to deny the reality of what is. It isn't my reality, thank goodness!

Just hope you read my PM ... perhaps it will help.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Bump, the behavior you're describing -- temper tantrums, emotional abuse, inappropriate anger, lack of impulse control (e.g., alcohol), black-white thinking, clinging behavior, lack of empathy, jealousy (i.e., fear of abandonment), and controlling behavior -- are some of the classic traits in a pattern of behavior called BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). 

Whether those traits are so strong as to meet the diagnostic criteria for having full blown BPD is a determination only a professional can make. This does not mean, however, that you cannot spot a strong occurrence of such traits in a man you've been married to for 16 years.


abumpintheroad said:


> I'm walking on eggshells in my own home! I'm so sick of it.


The #1 best-selling BPD book (targeted to spouses like you) is called _Stop Walking on Eggshells._


> I have tried talking to him about these things, but he has absolutely no ability to see things from anyone's viewpoint but his own.


One of the hallmarks of having strong BPD traits is a lack of empathy. BPDers (i.e., those having strong BPD traits) find it difficult to "see things from anyone's viewpoint." Because they are unable to control their emotions, they experience intense feelings that distort their perceptions of other peoples' feelings.


> I can't walk into, or through, a room that he is in without giving him a kiss. He asks me almost daily if 'I love him and only him'.


If your H is a BPDer, this behavior is to be expected because BPDers typically have great difficulty with "object constancy," i.e., with realizing that other people have basically the same personalities and preferences day to day. Adding to this problem is a BPDer's great fear of abandonment and inability to trust -- which is why a BPDer typically becomes very jealous when you show attention to anyone else. 

Moreover, to prevent abandonment, they become very controlling of your daily activities. And, to enhance that control, they try to isolate you from all friends and family members who might take your side by saying "That's the most ridiculous excuse I've ever heard." My exW, for example, hated my foster son and did every thing she could to isolate me from my friends and family.


> He acts like I'm 'choosing' someone over him if I go to lunch with a friend!


This is an example of black-white thinking, which BPDers do a lot of. They categorize everyone at the polar extremes -- so that everyone is "with me" or "against me." Everyone is "all good" or "all bad." Moreover, BPDers often use extreme all-or-nothing terms like "always" and "never." And they will recategorize someone from one extreme to the polar opposite -- in just ten seconds -- based on an idle comment or minor transgression. BPDers are extremely uncomfortable with gray areas and ambiguities.


> I'm too old for this crap. How do I make him understand that?


If he has strong BPD traits, you cannot make him understand. Generally, a BPDer is only interested in creating drama, not finding solutions or compromises. Moreover, trying to rationally discuss a sensitive issue rarely works, if ever. Even if you raise the issue when he is in a calm mood, his anger will be released in 10 seconds. Sadly, there are few important matters that can be discussed and resolved in 10 seconds.


> He makes it very clear that his whole world revolves around me.


No, if he is a BPDer, it would be more accurate to say his whole world revolves around _himself_ -- which is why he cannot see things from your point of view. The reason it seems that you are the center of his world is because -- if he has strong BPD traits -- he has a very fragile, weak sense of who he really is. That is, he has no strong ego to guide him or ground him. A BPDer therefore has a strong desire to find a mate who has a strong stable personality that can serve as his emotional anchor. 

This is why BPDers typically hate to be alone. And this is why a BPDer typically behaves very differently around different types of people (he is mirroring their behaviors, using them to guide his actions because he has no strong ego to play that role).

Further, because a BPDer has very low personal boundaries, he will have difficulty telling where he leaves off and you begin. This is why, during intimacy, a BPDer will often get a very scary feeling of losing his personal identity in your strong personality (i.e., a feeling of being engulfed and disappearing in thin air). Hence, it is common for BPDers to push you away (by creating arguments over absolutely nothing) immediately following an intimate evening together or a great weekend. 

Bump, if this discussion rings a bell, I suggest you read more about BPD traits to see if they sound very familiar to you. An easy place to start is my description of BPD traits in Maybe's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that description sounds familiar and you have questions, I would be glad to try to answer them or point you to good online resources that can answer them. I also recommend that you read the book I mention above. Finally, I suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two on your own -- to obtain a professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. Take care, Bump.


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## abumpintheroad (Dec 20, 2011)

Wow! Uptown, it sounds like you may have been a fly on the wall in my house! I've always known that he had issues. I filed them away in my mind as, 'jealous', or 'insecure', but I could never understand why he would feel either of those things.

"They categorize everyone at the polar extremes -- so that everyone is "with me" or "against me." Everyone is "all good" or "all bad."

I have told him almost these exact words about his mother! I wanted to see if he could recognize some of his own traits in his mother. His response? He can see it in his mother, but never made the connection to his own behavior.

"A BPDer therefore has a strong desire to find a mate who has a strong stable personality that can serve as his emotional anchor."

I have always been a 'doer'. I take care of the bills. (He is an impulse buyer. What he wants 'right now' seems to be more important than 'what bill is due now'.) I make all the major decisions; with his input, of course. Am I just enabling him?

I have never noticed him 'mirroring' others. Of course, I don't know how he behaves around others when I'm not around. He has a general dislike for all people. He dislikes all but 1 or 2 co-workers. Mostly because they don't do their job like he has done it in the past. (His 'my way or the highway' type attitude)

As far as creating a scene after intimacy; he's never done that. He is always very happy and loving afterwards. 

It's very interesting to see that the book you mentioned is titled with the exact words I've used to describe my life for years! I will definitely check that book out...today! I will also read the other thread you suggested. Thank you so much! I'm almost relieved...although that sounds inappropriate. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm relieved to know what the problem is and that there is help. I was beginning to question my own sanity!!


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

abumpintheroad said:


> I've always known that he had issues. I filed them away in my mind as, 'jealous', or 'insecure', but I could never understand why he would feel either of those things.


Bump, you can easily increase your understanding of his motivation ten-fold by looking at a GROUP of behavioral traits instead of one or two traits in isolation. This is why, despite all the threads you see on this forum about "abusers," the diagnostic manual used by psychologists has no category or disorder called "abusers." Instead, the psychologists examine groups of traits (i.e., symptoms) and abusive behavior is just one of those traits.


> He can see it in his mother, but never made the connection to his own behavior.


If your H does have most of the BPD traits at a moderate to strong level, that dysfunctional behavior will be invisible to him. Technically, BPD traits are said to be "egosyntonic" because they are so much in harmony with the needs and goals of the ego -- and the way he has been thinking since childhood -- that they are invisible to him. This is not to say, however, that BPDers don't know something is wrong. Typically they do have a vague awareness that something is wrong but they are loath to admit it to anyone.


> I have always been a 'doer'.


I would rather call you a caregiver. If you've been living with a BPDer for 16 years, you almost certainly are an excessive caregiver like me. The more commonly used term is "codependent," a term I like to avoid because -- since it is never mentioned or defined in the diagnostic manual -- there is wide variation in how it is defined by various groups. Moreover, caregivers like us are fiercely independent in nearly every other respect. I say this because most "codependents" I've met will be working a full time job and going home to care for five dogs and two children and, if they are single, will still find time on weekends to go looking for a spouse to take care of too.

Our problem is that our desire to be needed (for what we can do) far exceeds our desire to be loved (for the people we already are). We therefore tend to mistake "being needed" for "being loved." Indeed, we often have trouble recognizing that someone loves us if that person does not also desperately need us. This is why we are so attracted to the wounded birds, i.e., the people that, being always convinced they are perpetual victims, project a strong sense of vulnerability ("catnip" to us).


> He is an impulse buyer.


One of the nine BPD traits is the lack of impulse control. More generally, BPDers have little ability to regulate their own emotions.


> I have never noticed him 'mirroring' others.


If he has a strong, stable self identity, he cannot be a BPDer because BPDers are emotionally unstable. This instability will be evident as frequent mood changes. Unlike the gradual mood changes that occur with bipolar disorder, BPD mood changes are nearly instantaneous, often occurring in only ten seconds. This happens because a BPDer is always carrying enormous anger and hurt just under the skin. He has been carrying it since early childhood. 

As a result, you don't have to do anything to CREATE the anger. It is already there. All you have to do is say or do some minor thing to TRIGGER a release of that anger. A BPDer is unable to manage that anger because his emotional development stopped at about age four, leaving him stuck with only the primitive ego defenses that are available to young children. This is why you will see a BPDer defending his fragile ego with primitive defenses like denial, projection, magical thinking, and black-white thinking.


> He has a general dislike for all people. He dislikes all but 1 or 2 co-workers.


Disliking people is not a BPD trait. High functioning BPDers usually interact very well with business associates, casual friends, and complete strangers. None of those people pose a threat of abandonment or engulfment. High functioning BPDers therefore usually interact very well with other folks all day long and then go home at night to be abusive and jealous with the very people who love them.

Yet, even if your H were diagnosed with having most BPD traits at the diagnostic level, it would not be surprising to find that he also has other dysfunctional traits -- like disliking nearly everyone (a trait of Antisocial PD). Most folks who are diagnosed with having one personality disorder (PD) also are diagnosed with having one or two other PDs too. Keep in mind that PDs are not separate diseases. Indeed, they have not been firmly linked to any disease whatsoever. Instead, the PDs are only groups of symptoms that psychologists have seen occurring together in many of their clients.


> As far as creating a scene after intimacy; he's never done that. He is always very happy and loving afterwards.


BPDers crave intimacy like everyone else but, because their self image is so fragile, they feel like they are being suffocated during intimacy. That is, they feel like they are losing their self identity and disappearing into your strong personality. This is why they often will create an argument after intimacy to push you away, giving them breathing space. I am speaking here of true intimacy, not just sex. 

If your H is not behaving that way, it is very unlikely he is exhibiting a strong pattern of BPD traits. Instead, it may be a pattern of Avoidant PD or Narcisistic PD. Significantly, I am not trying to convince you that your H has strong BPD traits. Rather, I am only trying to encourage you to read about the various PD traits and see if one or two of the patterns is a close fit. If so, I also would encourage you to verify your suspicions by obtaining a professional opinion.


> I was beginning to question my own sanity!!


Of the ten PDs, BPD is the only one that is notorious for making the spouses and partners feel like they are losing their minds. This is why some popular BPD websites (targeted to the nonBPD spouses) use the tag line "Welcome to Oz" or "Land of Oz." And this is why the controlling behavior and irrational arguments produced by BPDers are widely referred to as "gaslighting." 

That behavior gets its name from the classic 1944 movie _Gaslight_, in which a husband (Charles Boyer) tries to drive his new bride (Ingrid Bergman) crazy so as to have her institutionalized, allowing him to run off with her family jewels. One of his "crazy making" tricks is to keep turning the house gas lights down a tiny bit every day, all the while claiming that he is able to see and read just fine.

In my experience, however, BPDers really are not trying to drive you crazy. Rather, they are trying to protect their fragile egos from seeing too much of reality. They usually accomplish this by blaming all their misfortunes and flaws on the spouse. Of course, if they were simply lying about it, their egos would not be protected from reality. Hence, they do it subconsciously -- a process called "projection." 

Because projection is done subconsciously, the conscious mind really does believe the projection is true. This is why projection works so beautifully as an ego defense mechanism. And, because BPDers really do believe the absurd accusations coming out of their mouths, they tend to be very persuasive. It therefore is very disorienting and confusing for a spouse to be exposed to that utter nonsense year after year.


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