# Selfish



## HANGINGBYA... (Aug 4, 2011)

Married 16 years, two kids. I know I should go but I can't hurt my kids. But this is insane. We haven't had sex in over a year. He doesn't talk or want to talk to me. He just ignores me as if I have the problem. The only discussions we have are around the children's schedule or needs. He has his own business and made me think he was a MAN and could take care of me. We both grew up old fashioned so I knew if I did my part he would do his. or so I thought. I now have a man who just wants to come home from work, eat and sit on the sofa to relax. If I didn't work, I could deal with this. But I work, I pay the bills, I am trying to fix the house that is falling apart. I am dealing with the kids. It's all me. I ask him to do things and he gets annoyed. I have verbalized how I felt, cried. He just walks away. His motto throughout our marriage has been - if I ignore her, she'll forget. I have forgotten a lot over the years. But this is getting really old. He forgot our anniversery then my birthday, to which my daughter said daddy you forgot moms birthday! To which he responded to her oh. But never a word to me. Forgot Valentines and commented to my son - Well, she's not into that holiday. I was able to find a part time job that I can work at home and am able to work extra hours. (I'm a go getter) He wants me to make the money but doesn't seem to want to make it himself. He happily sees me go to bed at 2 get up at 6 and keep going. Makes comments about my constant headaches/migraines (It's lack of sleep and stress stupid) I know I should walk away. I deserve respect and am a wonderful person who will give the shirt off my back (which he knows and takes full advantage of) BUT I will say he's a great father - whatever, whenever those kids need he is there. But housework, maintaining our home or anything to do with me - he really doesn't care about. I just don't think I can cry myself to sleep or continue in a marriage that doesn't exist. I just can't keep up with it all. Maybe I should just give in and quit my job entirely and let him be the MAN. But truthfully I know that the ones that will suffer are the children because the $ will not be there. I need and deserve a partner, friend, lover. I thought I had that in him. I am just so hurt, angry that he is so selfish. And just so angry that he can just ignore everything for over a year now and sleep on the sofa happily - not a word - doesn't care. Thanks for listening. I may have to leave, I can't stand what my children are seeing as an example of marriage. I don't want my daughter taking care of someone - they should be partners, picking eachother up when needed.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

It sounds as if you are already separated and just living in the same home? I wonder if he is in denial about there being marital problems or just wants to ignore the problems. From your post, I think he is just ignoring the problems.


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## HANGINGBYA... (Aug 4, 2011)

@ Riverside,
It does feel like we are seperated. He comes in says hi to the kids eats with us talks to the kids. Then off to the tv and falls asleep on the couch. i go to the office to work. I gave up about a year ago of trying to talk with him, asking to go to counseling (he won't). He said to me that we are too much work! I think it now has become easy just to be. I don't do his laundry which he will do after a couple of weeks but again all in silence. He will do dishes here and there or grab a basket but he does it with anger and patheticness. Why should he be doing this. The reality is and I've told him. You want the old fashioned way of life then you need to provide. Why am I providing and taking care of everything. Why are you here, if I doing it all on my own? no answer, just walks away. Sad part is, when i search my heart, I don't believe in divorce and would take most of the faults, if he gave something. I think I need to do something because I had hoped that after awhile of me not complaining and not talking he would want "us". But after a year now, I think he prefers being left alone. I think I have finally figured out that he isn't an achiever. Whatever he can get someone else to do, he just wants to relax and be. he's happier this way...should I just keep going this way or leave?


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

I recently wrote this on my blog at Improve My Marriage: Before You Divorce, Part III: Marriage Improvement and Financial Considerations. I thought the information was very helpful to know before getting a divorce. Maybe it could help you.

_How many unhappy couples turn their marriages around? The truth is shocking: 86 percent of unhappily married people who stick it out find that, five years later, their marriages are happier, according to an analysis of the National Survey of Families and Households. Most say, they’ve become very happy indeed. In fact, nearly three-fifths of those who said their marriage was unhappy in the late ’80s and who stay married, rated this same marriage as either “very happy” or “quite happy” when interviewed again in the early 1990s. 

The very worst marriages showed the most dramatic turnarounds: 77 percent of the stable married people who rated their marriage as very unhappy (a one on a scale of one to seven) in the late ’80s said that the same marriage was either “very happy” or “quite happy” five years later. Permanent marital unhappiness is surprisingly rare among couples who stick it out. Five years later, just 15 percent of those who initially said they were very unhappily married (and who stayed married) ranked their marriage as not unhappy at all._
Taken from:
Linda J. Waite, Don Browning, William J. Doherty, Maggie Gallagher, Ye Luo, and Scott M. Stanley, Does Divorce Make People Happy: Findings from a Study of Unhappy Marriages (New York: Institute for American Values, 2002) 148-49


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