# Is it too late to share this fantasy with a girl?



## TheGreatExpanse (Jan 6, 2015)

Hello. This is sort of a specific topic I've never felt confident bringing up anywhere else, or nowhere else has ever felt appropriate but here goes:

I have never ever been in a relationship with a girl, and I have so many regrets from that. As an adolescent boy I wanted to share the carefree attitude of young love with someone but due to my looks and everything I never got the opportunity. I'm now 24 years old and for many years now it feels like that chance has long gone and disappeared forever and will never present itself again. I'm worried that all adult women I'll ever meet will have harsh expectations on me, like providing money, working all the time, being good at sex (even though I've never had any experience) and everything else. And that women will also have clear cut ideas on how their relationships should look like, while I having no idea want to take it more easily.

I don't know the idea of her having expectations on me from day 0 feels sterile and scary to me. I can probably provide if I set my mind to it but it isn't the terms I want to have a relationship on - but does that mean that my situation is doomed?


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## ChristianGrey (Nov 27, 2014)

Wheres the fantasy?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I have # of advices for you.

A) Don't dwell on the past to live your future. Be optimistic/happy and look forward to what's ahead.....you might just get it.

B) Forget about "our society" or "general women expectations etc. Again, be optimistic and have little faith that there are great women out there (they are not easy to find but you can't give up). DO NOT generalize too much, sure lot of generalizations are true for many people....but there are ALWAYS exceptions to the rules/generalizations.

C) Confidence.....it's ALL about confidence. This is your key to women. If you are not confident/unhappy/scared etc....it will be reflected around you .....and women sniff that out like dogs sniff out fear. So keep your head up.

D) get over your fears of REJECTION......the best way to do that is to go head on and face them. For example, the biggest fear you have is rejection. So what I would recommend is GET REJECTED and get used to it. If you don't fish, you will never catch a fish. 

Even the best looking men and biggest players get rejected. It's something EVERYONE deals with. If you see a lady you like, approach her and talk to her (don't do one liners....just ask for her name....give her a complement......or go with the flow). GET REJECTED.....and in time, your fear of it will not even exist anymore. It will become normal! You can also practice small talk at work with co workers of friends/family. Get good at it!

E) Do not step too far outside of your league (when it comes to looks). 

F) I would recommend IN PERSON asking out LONG LONG before you try online (but keep this on the list as last resort). Why you might ask? Because it's TOO EASY, and it won't help you face your fears/deal with your fears and get over that rejection. It will also help your confidence as well and improve your face to face interaction. All of these is where Internet dating fails........

G) I would highly recommend that you get out there into the world and do things you love (figure yourself out).....and while you are doing those things it will be best to find someone that shares your love for these things.

H) your money/being used concern - Time and Action are your friends. In time all gold diggers or women with wrong intentions get filtered out. SO, do NOT get intimate too early (this will blind you from identifying red flags)......and WATCH the person actions. Make sure they line up with their words. And of course Time, this is your best friend.....give it time and let the person prove themselves over LONG periods.

Remember, DO NOT force love, let it happen naturally. Most people find that special someone when they are not looking!

Keep your head up, be optimistic and get out there and find a woman you deserve. 

Good luck


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

ChristianGrey said:


> Wheres the fantasy?


Clearly, his fantasy is to have someone special.


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## BucksBunny (Jan 6, 2015)

Stop it right NOW!! That is wrong attitude to have a reationship is built on mutual concern and trust there is no one size fits all a right or a wrong way to do it. Your over thinking it let it grow natural be you and know the love and respect is for you not what you think they want. If you start a realatinship trying to live what your not it’s doomed to failure and problems so don’t go there. So big deep breath I am who I am and worthy of love here it is all I am listen, work, talk, share grow together your very young plenty time to build a good relationship with right person.

If a girl has set idea on who or what they want they will be attracted to you or they wont don’t be a fraud and pretend your some thing your not be confident in your self. If they don’t like it they are not the girl for you. Hey 24 relax have fun, meet people, date, enjoy life it will work out.


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## ChristianGrey (Nov 27, 2014)

DoF said:


> Clearly, his fantasy is to have someone special.


That's more like a desire or wanting.


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## ChristianGrey (Nov 27, 2014)

badsanta said:


> When I first met my wife, she looked at me very seriously and told me that she did NOT want a relationship with me.
> 
> Fortunately I did not let that rejection slow me down!


_I hate guys like you_ totally turns me on too.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

ChristianGrey said:


> That's more like a desire or wanting.


To you

To some, that is a fantasy.

I know for sure that if I was in OP's shoes it would be fantasy to me too.


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## ChristianGrey (Nov 27, 2014)

DoF said:


> To you
> 
> To some, that is a fantasy.
> 
> I know for sure that if I was in OP's shoes it would be fantasy to me too.


Well my fantasy is to have sex with a Mermaid on a white sandy beach on a deserted island while drinking rum and smoking pot under a clear starry night.

I'd think OP is lucky.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

TheGreatExpanse said:


> Hello. This is sort of a specific topic I've never felt confident bringing up anywhere else, or nowhere else has ever felt appropriate but here goes:
> 
> I have never ever been in a relationship with a girl, and I have so many regrets from that. As an adolescent boy I wanted to share the carefree attitude of young love with someone but due to my looks and everything I never got the opportunity. I'm now 24 years old and for many years now it feels like that chance has long gone and disappeared forever and will never present itself again. I'm worried that all adult women I'll ever meet will have harsh expectations on me, like providing money, working all the time, being good at sex (even though I've never had any experience) and everything else. And that women will also have clear cut ideas on how their relationships should look like, while I having no idea want to take it more easily.
> 
> I don't know the idea of her having expectations on me from day 0 feels sterile and scary to me. I can probably provide if I set my mind to it but it isn't the terms I want to have a relationship on - but does that mean that my situation is doomed?


As the old saying goes, "there is an ass for every seat." Not that you're an ass, that's not the point. This point is, there IS someone for you. I don't care who you are, what you look like, how old you are, how crazy your mind is...etc. etc...etc....
It's like learning how to swim. At some point you have to jump in. JUMP.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

OP, to answer your thread question (sorry).......it's NEVER too late FOR ANYTHING......EVER


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Sounds to me like you need to spend many more years working on yourself, becoming a more experienced, mature, version of your current self. You are only 24. Go live some!


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

I think you need to get into counseling to work on your insecurities. You have a long list of what is wrong with you, and that list was formed in your head for a reason. You need to find the tools to take that list and burn it.


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## ChristianGrey (Nov 27, 2014)

There is nothing wrong with you. No man is perfect, nor are the women. You have to accept who you are and love yourself and be confident and some women would love you too for that.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I gather you don't have a job? Or you don't work all the time, now?

Yeah, women pretty much expect a 24 year old guy to work & pay his own way.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> I gather you don't have a job? Or you don't work all the time, now?
> 
> Yeah, women pretty much expect a 24 year old guy to work & pay his own way.


One topic I didn't cover in my original post.

This is correct OP, if you are not self reliant, work HARD to become. This doesn't mean that you should have your own house or apartment.......living with parents is completely OK, as long as you have a job, contribute in some way shape or form (cleaning/yard work/maintnance) and contribute financially as well (rent money)......and of course pay for your food etc.

Decent woman will respect above, BUT if you are just living off your parents/not working....I don't care if you are the best looking guy on the planet, DECENT WOMAN will not even consider you. EVER.

Mind you, great looking guy will still get some ass (no doubt)....but he will not get to be with the woman he wants for long term relationship.

And of course, you should expect similar from the lady you meet.


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## TheGreatExpanse (Jan 6, 2015)

DoF said:


> This is correct OP, if you are not self reliant, work HARD to become. This doesn't mean that you should have your own house or apartment.......living with parents is completely OK, as long as you have a job, contribute in some way shape or form (cleaning/yard work/maintnance) and contribute financially as well (rent money)......and of course pay for your food etc.
> 
> Decent woman will respect above, BUT if you are just living off your parents/not working....I don't care if you are the best looking guy on the planet, DECENT WOMAN will not even consider you. EVER.


Yeah, well I've been working until very recently, when my employer lost their single customer and is basically dead (actually technically/legally I'm still employed) but even then I earned a very small wage. I have had trouble finding good work for many reasons and I have also been studying in periods so it has been all those thing combined that has kept me from getting into any stable careers.

I think I look decent. I have a nice face I think, maybe not such a great body at the moment, but I used to run but I guess even back then I wasn't super slim. Sadly I got glasses as well and I guess that's a turn off for many.

To explain I had this fantasy that relationships would be based on an emotion and investment, but not so much monetary or physical. I don't want to associate love with gaudy or sex.

Like I had this flirt with this very young girl one time - but I didn't know her age at the time and we were at this get together for a community and we kissed and it was a pretty fantastic feeling. I don't know she might have expected more from me than kissing or that I'd be good at it because I was so much older maybe? I never heard from her again though. But the great thing about it was that it was just me and her and nothing else. No worries about the damn future, no worries about money or whatever.

I dunnou I would say it's because of my background but honestly I think it's that I don't want to be viewed as a loser just because I'm not some fancy man who has loads of money, flashy skills, is artsy, or physically fit.

Also I want to thank you all for your kind and helpful posts, even if I didn't reply to all of them directly!


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
1)become self reliant - get a job, your own place to live, a car etc. 

2) Develop an interesting skill or hobby. Art, music, skiing, dancing, bird watching, running, whatever. Something you enjoy that you could do with someone else. Something that makes you interesting.

3) Get yourself and your things tidy. I don't mean that you need fancy clothes - but clean neat clothes, no trash in your car or house, etc. Make people's first impression of you that you have your life under control. 

4) Learn about romance from romantic movies - they don't need to be "pure" romance - Stardust is a romantic movie. 

5) learn about sex. Books. homemade porn (not the pro stuff which gives a completely incorrect idea).

6) Gain confidence by talking to people. Chat with people standing in lines etc. Don't try to "pick up" women at all, but get to where you are comfortable talking with women. 

7). By this point you will probably already be in a relationship, so job done


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

TheGreatExpanse said:


> Yeah, well I've been working until very recently, when my employer lost their single customer and is basically dead (actually technically/legally I'm still employed) but even then I earned a very small wage. I have had trouble finding good work for many reasons and I have also been studying in periods so it has been all those thing combined that has kept me from getting into any stable careers.
> 
> I think I look decent. I have a nice face I think, maybe not such a great body at the moment, but I used to run but I guess even back then I wasn't super slim. Sadly I got glasses as well and I guess that's a turn off for many.
> 
> ...


This all sounds fine to me. Keep trying to find a stable job.

It also seems like you clearly haven't taken enough initiative to talk to women/approach them etc. So work on that.

Don't worry about glasses, if anything think of it as a filter. If a woman doesn't like you because of your glasses.....it's probably not the woman you want to begin with.

Don't worry about the loser thing, seriously. One of the first signs of maturity is when you realize that things you thought were cool as a teen/20s are quite the opposite. And things that you thought were boring/lame = awesome.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

TheGreatExpanse said:


> Hello. This is sort of a specific topic I've never felt confident bringing up anywhere else, or nowhere else has ever felt appropriate but here goes:
> 
> I have never ever been in a relationship with a girl, and I have so many regrets from that. As an adolescent boy I wanted to share the carefree attitude of young love with someone but due to my looks and everything I never got the opportunity. I'm now 24 years old and for many years now it feels like that chance has long gone and disappeared forever and will never present itself again. I'm worried that all adult women I'll ever meet will have harsh expectations on me, like providing money, working all the time, being good at sex (even though I've never had any experience) and everything else. And that women will also have clear cut ideas on how their relationships should look like, while I having no idea want to take it more easily.
> 
> I don't know the idea of her having expectations on me from day 0 feels sterile and scary to me. I can probably provide if I set my mind to it but it isn't the terms I want to have a relationship on - but does that mean that my situation is doomed?


Being good at sex is something you learn together with a partner. You can always learn to be good at sex.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

DayDream said:


> Being good at sex is something you learn together with a partner. You can always learn to be good at sex.


Yep, it will come naturally.....and you won't know how good you are or aren't until that time.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

TheGreatExpanse said:


> To explain I had this fantasy that relationships would be based on an emotion and investment, but not so much monetary or physical. I don't want to associate love with gaudy or sex.
> 
> Like I had this flirt with this very young girl one time - but I didn't know her age at the time and we were at this get together for a community and we kissed and it was a pretty fantastic feeling. I don't know she might have expected more from me than kissing or that I'd be good at it because I was so much older maybe? I never heard from her again though. But the great thing about it was that it was just me and her and nothing else. No worries about the damn future, no worries about money or whatever.


So your fantasy is to have that teenage kind of infatuation that doesn't take any practical considerations into account, including compatibility, and exists solely in a vacuum based on excitement?

Yes, that is a fantasy only teenagers and Hollywood can achieve. 

Once people mature and start being responsible for themselves, they do develop a perspective on what is important in a partner. You might still find the unadulterated giddiness of infatuation when you meet someone, but that won't and can't be sustained if the couple isn't a good fit. People very quickly consider whether they get along and are compatible, whether the other person is responsible for themselves and their financial future, whether they are sexually compatible, religious views, etc. 

Don't despair! Just because your fantasy is a fantasy doesn't mean that a relationship isn't actually far better when it's based on a bundle of goodness that matters.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

norajane said:


> So your fantasy is to have that teenage kind of infatuation that doesn't take any practical considerations into account, including compatibility, and exists solely in a vacuum based on excitement?
> 
> Yes, that is a fantasy only teenagers and Hollywood can achieve.
> 
> ...


This is all true/correct.

In adult world, we call this "Honeymoon Phase" and it's something OP or ANYONE looking for a long term relationship should read up on/study/know and go by.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"relationships would be based on an emotion and investment, but not so much monetary or physical." & "we kissed and it was a pretty fantastic feeling." These two statements contradict one another. The first seems more platonic and the second is strictly physical. You knew absolutely nothing about the girl you kissed.

Love can develop from friendship but first you have to have a friend as in someone with whom you have something in common.

You can not expect to just walk through a park and have someone fall instantly in love with you when they know nothing about you.

Yes, it does sound as though this is *just* a fantasy - love and relationships require actual work.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

badsanta, I don't follow links so I sincerely hope that isn't a video of teaching someone how to put air in their tires.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

ChristianGrey said:


> Well my fantasy is to have sex with a Mermaid on a white sandy beach on a deserted island while drinking rum and smoking pot under a clear starry night.
> 
> I'd think OP is lucky.


Oh, sorry. But she says hi! Will PM you the location


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Well, ok. Just so long as it's useful and relevant.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Yes, OP.

Confidence is the GREAT attractor of women. Looks are down the scale. Not like men's priority order.

Just be yourself. Be patient. Get out a bit. Get out a lot! When you enter any room or place, own the place with confidence. Never hide or minimize yourself. Just own everyplace you go. Enjoy people. Laugh, be larger than life. Woman are attracted to that.

Rock a massively positive attitude. Every day. All day. Fake it until you make it!!!

In fact, a book for you. It's great for all men, married and especially single guys. It's called Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 by Athol Kay. 

The book is not what it seems at all. You will discover how to be a man and everything you've been taught about women is wrong.

Head for the gym and get buf. Lose fat and gain muscle. It's a large part of the new you. Read the book, learn the message it brings. Reread it. You'll learn about women and how they really think. And how you should be. It will help make you a decent, well balanced guy. It ain't about looks either. That does not make a man at all.

Be nice to strangers, that's where your friends come from.


And get physically fit. The ONlY way is weight lifting. Free weights too. Just stick to the basics and go 3 or 4 times a week. You will see results in 3 months. Stay with it. Fat will melt off your body. See a trainer. They can help.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

TheGreatExpanse said:


> Yeah, well I've been working until very recently, when my employer lost their single customer and is basically dead (actually technically/legally I'm still employed) but even then I earned a very small wage. I have had trouble finding good work for many reasons and I have also been studying in periods so it has been all those thing combined that has kept me from getting into any stable careers.
> 
> I think I look decent. I have a nice face I think, maybe not such a great body at the moment, but I used to run but I guess even back then I wasn't super slim. Sadly I got glasses as well and I guess that's a turn off for many.
> 
> ...


Look man, I can sense quite a bit of pain coming from your post. I understand. Yes, some have it easier than others, more money, more opportunity, naturally good looks, etc. etc. 
However, I have known people with all the good looks, money and opportunity that throw it all away and accomplish nothing with it. Don't give up, please. 
Proceed slowly and methodically. Get a job, work and save money and get yourself out there. Don't be afraid to fail, because you WILL fail. Get yourself back up and keep trying. I don't care what you look like or what your situation is, there is someone out there for you.

Being a "loser" is a state of mind. If you think you are a "loser" than you ARE a loser. DON'T EVER SAY OR THINK THAT OF YOURSELF, EVER ! You're an unattached catch for someone looking for someone just like you.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

^^ good stuff, lots of great advice here for you OP.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Don't think so much about what you need to do to be attractive to women. Be what you need to feel like a grown up, mature man. Where are you coming from? 

What are your plans for the future? Training, school, profession, sports, interests? You you seem ruterless, you will not appeal to mature women capable of giving and receiving love. From what I have experienced, a man working towards a goal and hits his landmarks are the most attractive. They are not necessarily wealthy, or hot. But goal orientation and accomisment seems to define a mature person. 

Figure out what you want to do when you grow up. Plan how to get there. Set benchmarks - incremental accomplishments towards your goal. Change up if it's not working as expected. Don't day dream, rather action dream. At 24, you are still coming into your own and maturing. As far as relationships, date as much as possible to get to know how to be in a relationship. Don't think about a future with someone right now. Think about your future. The right person will come along.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

ChristianGrey said:


> Well my fantasy is to have sex with a Mermaid on a white sandy beach on a deserted island while drinking rum and smoking pot under a clear starry night.
> 
> I'd think OP is lucky.


Dude...

Hopefully that will be some good weed!

Mermaids don't seem to have vaginas...


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## ChristianGrey (Nov 27, 2014)

alphaomega said:


> Dude...
> 
> Hopefully that will be some good weed!
> 
> Mermaids don't seem to have vaginas...


Given copious amounts of some good quality weed, you can even find a vagina on a coconut. 

Last time I had it, I was travelling through space. Take that NASA!

But on a serious note, Mermaids also need to %$£^, I mean reproduce right?


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

TheGreatExpanse said:


> Hello. This is sort of a specific topic I've never felt confident bringing up anywhere else, or nowhere else has ever felt appropriate but here goes:
> 
> I have never ever been in a relationship with a girl, and I have so many regrets from that. As an adolescent boy I wanted to share the carefree attitude of young love with someone but due to my looks and everything I never got the opportunity. I'm now 24 years old and for many years now it feels like that chance has long gone and disappeared forever and will never present itself again. I'm worried that all adult women I'll ever meet will have harsh expectations on me, like providing money, working all the time, being good at sex (even though I've never had any experience) and everything else. And that women will also have clear cut ideas on how their relationships should look like, while I having no idea want to take it more easily.
> 
> I don't know the idea of her having expectations on me from day 0 feels sterile and scary to me. I can probably provide if I set my mind to it but it isn't the terms I want to have a relationship on - but does that mean that my situation is doomed?


Of course not! You're only 24. Some women make their own money, I'm not sure why anyone would expect you to work _all the time_, and you can work together on a healthy sexual relationship. Every woman is different and wants different things. I would worry more about what you would want from a relationship and what type of person you would like to be with. Then you just date and eventually you meet a good match. It just takes time. Just focus on what you want out of life and you may run into someone who is exactly what you are looking for.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

OP instead of fantasizing you need to start living. Focus on yourself, get the education you need or want, join a club or volunteer your time, reshape your body and mind. The more you learn to interact with other people and expand your options in life the more confident you will become and the more self reliant you will become. Heck you are still a young man, you can mold your life into whatever you want. 

Stay busy bettering yourself and putting yourself out in the world and women will take notice.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

*Sadly I got glasses as well and I guess that's a turn off for many.*

No way. Glasses are hot. Smart men are incredibly sexy.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

UMP said:


> ....Being a "loser" is a state of mind. If you think you are a "loser" than you ARE a loser. DON'T EVER SAY OR THINK THAT OF YOURSELF, EVER ! You're an unattached catch for someone looking for someone just like you.


Well said.

For the OP I think I understand the fantasy. It appears to be the inverse of the much debated woman's fantasy associated with all the books/articles written a few years ago on "Settling for Mr. Good Enough." (Google it)

You have been given great advice. Get a Life, become an interesting and fascinating MAN. Be confident and proud of who you are and what you can accomplish. Find a "career or profession" that you are good at and enjoy, but never settle for just a job. Each week do something to improve yourself either physically, spiritually or mentally. Above all don't be "needy" when you are around women.


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## NWKindaguy (Sep 2, 2011)

Never too late, But dont let opportunity pass you by either. There is no one person for anyone, but several opportunities. A lt has to do with, what is acceptable to you and what is not. Think about what you want from a woman and/or relationship, you may not get all things you look for and find other things you like that were not on your list.


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## Deep Down (Jun 21, 2014)

TheGreatExpanse said:


> I have never ever been in a relationship with a girl, and I have so many regrets from that. As an adolescent boy I wanted to share the carefree attitude of young love with someone but due to my looks and everything I never got the opportunity. I'm now 24 years old and for many years now* it feels like that chance has long gone and disappeared forever and will never present itself again*. *I'm worried* that all adult women I'll ever meet will have harsh expectations on me, like providing money, working all the time, being good at sex (even though I've never had any experience) and everything else. And that women will also have clear cut ideas on how their relationships should look like, while I having no idea want to take it more easily.
> 
> I don't know the idea of her having expectations on me from day 0 *feels sterile and scary to me*. I can probably provide if I set my mind to it but it isn't the terms I want to have a relationship on - but does that mean that my situation is doomed?


You have not had a relationship with a woman yet, and yet you feel you know how it will turn out already? I can see why you haven't tried yet. What makes you think that women will have all these expectations of you? Sounds like you've talked yourself out of the possibility of even trying. 

Are you working? Studying? Are you still living with your parents? Or living under your own steam? 

At 24 you are still very young. You have plenty more years to have great relationships. And there are plenty of young inexperienced women at your age as well. It is never too late.


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