# I want to move on now



## Woundedheart (Apr 2, 2014)

The people in this forum have been so great to me in the past. I really want to thank those that helped me originally. I wish my story was unique. I was married for 15 years. Found out 1st wife was serial cheater. (with your guys help back in 2014). So I tried to better myself and got married again and again the infildity bug has bitten me. 

1st marriage failed because I was too nice.... per say. Also loved the idea of what I who I thought she was and probably did not help that we got married WAY too young.

2nd Marriage failed because I helped her start a business ( I am still 30k in debt because of her). I believe that as I had a full time job and she was always around her new teacher we just lost our connection. Sucks though. I also am not sure if there was a WOW factor with this woman and I was always trying too hard to not repeat my mistakes with the 1st wife, instead of being more present in the moment. 

So Its been a roller coaster. I have been alone for almost four years now. Slowly paying off the debt and starting my own side business. I am lonely though.(and I think still hung a tiny little bit on the first wife). I tried to date once recently and it was so darn award.  

My self confidence it shot... How do I move on?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

How old are you? If you are lonely, do you spend time with friends or doing things you love that make you happy? Do you try to date?


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## Woundedheart (Apr 2, 2014)

I have only had two dates in the past four years (both with the same woman  Even those one was a setup by friends. 
At this moment I think I am actively trying not to meet other people. I am just so scared of being hurt again. I am sick of that fear controlling me though. 

I suppose I should of added that i have ADHD and anxiety and depression disorders.


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## Woundedheart (Apr 2, 2014)

I have never been a big dater actually.  I am 42 and have dated 3 women now.


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## Woundedheart (Apr 2, 2014)

How do try to give someone a heads up of my baggage and not come off as either silly, stupid or needy ?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Woundedheart said:


> How do try to give someone a heads up of my baggage and not come off as either silly, stupid or needy ?


Honestly, until you’ve healed, you likely won’t have to. They’ll probably pick up on it.

I don’t say that to be a ****.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

Google *The Married Man Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay.*
It has some good ideas on how to build yourself to be an attractive spouse.

Also Google No More Mr. Nice Guy!

You need to just go out and have fun. Stop trying to find a mate. When it happens, it happens. Stop putting so much pressure on yourself.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Woundedheart said:


> So Its been a roller coaster. I have been alone for almost four years now. Slowly paying off the debt and starting my own side business. I am lonely though.(and I think still hung a tiny little bit on the first wife). I tried to date once recently and it was so darn award.
> 
> My self confidence it shot... How do I move on?


Been there, done that.

Here is what I did. Yes, I got lonely as well. But I used that time to work on myself.
Hit the gym almost every day (30 minutes is all it takes), worked on myself professionally, did things that made me happy, like weekend trips with the guys to Vegas to play poker.

And eventually after doing all of that and focusing on me, the confidence was there. And I may be a bad example for you since I am not interested in committed relationships any longer. Just decided the risks outweighed the rewards.

But, I guess for you my advice would be, do things to make you feel good about yourself, have fun and the loneliness thing can take care of itself.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I'm sorry you are here, but i have to ask did you just have a crappy lawyer, because how are you having to pay her debt for her business? and why is she not paying at least half of it ?


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Lostinthought61 said:


> I'm sorry you are here, but i have to ask did you just have a crappy lawyer, because how are you having to pay her debt for her business? and why is she not paying at least half of it ?


Or better yet, why doesn't he OWN half of it?


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## Woundedheart (Apr 2, 2014)

Well 1st, really she owes me 70k. She has filed bankruptcy and the business defaulted because of Covid. She taught people how to make pottery... or her now ex BF taught people how to make pottery. So My dad Gave her a loan of 35k and I got "home improvement" loans to start the business. So my budget is supper tight. Luckily I am REALLY good at my day job (side business still is growing) and I am expecting to be out of debt within the year. OR at lease the bank debt  She is a dead beat for not paying my dad back.. but hey live and learn. My Dad got her pottery equipment. Which I am too darn busy to sell.


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## Woundedheart (Apr 2, 2014)

I do need to make time to work out, I know that. I will ramp that up considerably once I can outsource some of my night time labor for the second business. (which will probably be in February). Thanks for the book recommendations, I will defiantly get those.


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## Woundedheart (Apr 2, 2014)

I REALLY enjoy the side business. Probably the most fun I've ever had by the way.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Woundedheart said:


> How do try to give someone a heads up of my baggage and not come off as either silly, stupid or needy ?


You don’t.

Your baggage is your business. 

Everyone else has their own baggage to contend with. They don’t need to hear about yours. 

You can talk about your problems with your doctor, therapist and your clergy (if you are religious)

And it’s fine to vent here on an anonymous Internet forum. 

But never moan and groan to a chick. No matter how much they tell you, “being vulnerable shows strength etc” they will always see it as weakness and will pass. 

Now they may pat you on the back and say that you will make some woman a great partner some day.... but that is as they are moving on to the next guy for themselves. 

“Women don’t care about a man’s struggles. They wait at the finish line and F the winner.”
- Richard Cooper

Only talk to women about your accomplishments and victories. Never your fears, insecurities, struggles or defeats.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> Only talk to women about your accomplishments and victories. Never your fears, insecurities, struggles or defeats.


Now some of this is in the semantics and verbiage.

If you absolutely must address your prior marriages, speak in terms of accomplishments and victories, not struggles and defeats. 

You say, “once I got that cheating ho that tried take everything I had, out of my house, I started up my new side business that I love and has been doing very well.”

You don’t say, “my ex wife left me for another man, broke my heart and bilked me out of 10s of thousands of dollars and it has been a real struggle getting back on my feet and getting my head straight.” 

See how different those two statements about the same thing are?

One sounds like a man with a plan taking action and making things happen for himself.

The other sounds like a weak, whipped little puppy dog floundering in the world.

Be the man with a plan taking positive actions and making a better life. 

Only whine and moan and complain to your therapist.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Woundedheart said:


> I do need to make time to work out, I know that. I will ramp that up considerably once I can outsource some of my night time labor for the second business. (which will probably be in February). Thanks for the book recommendations, I will defiantly get those.


Yes, do things for yourself first. You'll feel great and then you'll wonder why you fretted over losing your X.


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## Woundedheart (Apr 2, 2014)

I will do. Thank you everyone AGAIN.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Do you want to be in a serious relationship or marriage again? Do you have children?


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

How quickly after meeting did you marry #2? Perhaps you should go forward with the mindset of "no marriage until we really know each other"?


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## Woundedheart (Apr 2, 2014)

Yes i do want a serious relationship, eventually. I enjoyed family life. I have two step children. Both are now over 18 and living on their own. I REALLY do not want to jump to marriage to quickly again.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Why hung up on the first wife? She cheated? What’s unresolved there?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Woundedheart have you tried counselling?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Yours is a moderate tough call, but not un-fixable.

You must get rid of your anxiety/depression.
This is a romance killer.

If medication can keep you level headed and not off-putting, try it.
Learn how to smile, make a habit out of it.

Talking to a psychologist might help.

I suggest you find a nice lady who is down on her luck, she would likely not outgrow you.

Oh, just don't be that _Knight in Shining Armor_ that people on TAM always talk about.
Just be friendly and helpful.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

When self-esteem and confidence are wobbly, you need to start with baby steps and stay on solid ground. So by that I mean start being social just doing only the things you're really good at, whether that's at work or it's a hobby or it's fitness or captaining a boat. Start with doing something you are enthusiastic and comfortable with like that. That puts you in your wheelhouse, and you'll be more comfortable operating from that vantage point.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

Woundedheart said:


> I suppose I should of added that i have ADHD and anxiety and depression disorders.


I can relate and I believe this may be at the root of your problems. Are you actively being treated? 
Those of us with these issues will struggle more than others when it comes to bouncing back, specially from heartbreak.
Take it easy on yourself, make sure you are being treated, build a good friendship network, try to really get in touch w your inner self (deal w ruminating if you tend to). 
Just remember that you aren't defined by a romantic relationship, you are in this world for far more than just a successful romantic relationship. 



Sent from my SHT-W09 using Tapatalk


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## Woundedheart (Apr 2, 2014)

Sorry about the long delays. I am just supper busy  " Why hung up on the first wife? She cheated? What’s unresolved there?" I wish I knew. I think maybe I miss the idea of trusting someone so fully? I am not sure I ever fully trusted the 2nd wife, though she was certainly easier uncover her her Infidelity .  I still have "mind movies" about the 1st wife sometimes and what I might of done wrong, though not often anymore.... they still creep in. I have difficulty thinking I deserve love.


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## Woundedheart (Apr 2, 2014)

I have read a lot of self help books, I was in counseling when i was with my 2nd wife. She insisted.


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## Woundedheart (Apr 2, 2014)

You must get rid of your anxiety/depression.
This is a romance killer.

Will do my best  

If medication can keep you level headed and not off-putting, try it.
Learn how to smile, make a habit out of it.

I actually was trying a drug... but it made my scalp feeling all crawly. (2nd wife left me a week after I was diagnosed. ). I need to talk to my doctor and try something else. 

Oh, just don't be that _Knight in Shining Armor_ that people on TAM always talk about.

That type of attitude I had with my 1st wife..... I was so stupid


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## Woundedheart (Apr 2, 2014)

I have found I am good at wood working... So that is my new side business. I am trying to appreciate things as they happen. I might be more awkward now but overall this is the happiest i have been. So I just need to keep trucking. I have a tight ring of friends that are my rock. They are closer than I ever was with family. Though I am a introvert my nature and my friends usually have to drag me out


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Get a dog. They are loyal.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Wounded... re-reading all your previous posts from both ex's and reading what are you saying now, it seems to me that you still have a way to go with yourself. 

Your writing still have the same inflections, tone, perspectives, and feelings. I understand that you by now have far more experiences to guide you with respect to relationships (I hope), but still, your words come out too insecure, almost like pessimistic in a way. Very little positive vibes for what you are seeking for your future. 

I think that you need to explore this. 
Good luck.


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## Woundedheart (Apr 2, 2014)

Hi guys, just wanted to give anyone that is interested a heads up. I am heading into the new year FINALLY feeling optimistic about my life.... nothing to do with someone new just happy being myself for a change. Perhaps I am just now feeling content being alone. I feel like I am living my best self. 

Its been a month since I have even thought about my ex wives and it is the best I've felt in a LONG time (probably ever). Will not be looking for a relationship for YEARS at this point. Just happy being me.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

please do not take this personally, but your last 2 marriages failed in divorce.
i suspect the type of women you are drawn to, they type you seek out, are not the right people for a good long term marriage.

you have been looking in the wrong places, and attracting the wrong women.

how DO you find a different type of person? Look in new places. church groups. take college classes at night to find people willing to work at bettering themselves. Hobby groups with hobbies that you enjoy and know. Hiking groups. Dog walking groups. Try thinking outside of the box.

Another thing to consider....beauty is only skin deep. a lot of men will not date women who are not knock out sexy beautiful. but....those are the same women who have been pampered with male attention all their lives. Try tempering your hopes in that regard, pay a lot more attention to who the person is, how hard they work, how well your interests intersect....


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