# Sex or no sex that is the question



## Richi300

I'm going to get straight to the point. Its been a WHILE since I've had sex. Here lately I have been getting alot of attention from women and have been offered to have sex by two of them. But I just can't do it. I'm starting to fear the walls I've built to protect myself after my damn near mental breakdown of a divorce are neutralizing my desires to be with someone else.... Idk...I want to give in and have sex with all interested parties but I don't feel like playing the game nor be in a situation to hurt someone...**** I don't want to get hurt...lets be real....The dilemma....Keep moving in my safety net or have empty sex ..(at this point im questioning am I even a Man)lol...What would you do?


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## arbitrator

Richi300 said:


> I'm going to get straight to the point. Its been a WHILE since I've had sex. Here lately I have been getting alot of attention from women and have been offered to have sex by two of them. But I just can't do it. I'm starting to fear the walls I've built to protect myself after my damn near mental breakdown of a divorce are neutralizing my desires to be with someone else.... Idk...I want to give in and have sex with all interested parties but I don't feel like playing the game nor be in a situation to hurt someone...**** I don't want to get hurt...lets be real....The dilemma....Keep moving in my safety net or have empty sex ..(at this point im questioning am I even a Man)lol...What would you do?


*I feel like I’m in much the same boat that you’re in, Rich! 

And for what it’s worth, I’d much rather have meaningful, reciprocally satisfying sex with a woman whom I truly loved and cared for, and that she could more than demonstrate back to me that she loved me the very same way; rather than the heartless “yuckiness” to just have meaningless, pseudo-emotional, biologically-placating sex with her!

That, at least to me, is just a little more than using some convenient vagina to masturbate in!*


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## Down_And_Out

I would agree with you had it not been so long since the last time I had sex. If I got the offer I'd take it. I've had meaningless sex... but its a lot more fun than handling things yourself. I'm ready to have some meaningless sex


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## Married but Happy

I left my ex mostly due to a sexless marriage. I had learned to detach myself from the pursuit of sex - with her - but have a high libido and was not about to deny myself if the opportunity arose. Still, I had to work to overcome the many years of rejection and the self-protective attitudes I'd developed. Breaking down the barriers was difficult - the first couple of times. However, the experience of mutually desirable sex made them crumble rapidly. It would probably be good for you to just go along with any advances if you find them attractive, and let nature begin to heal you. Still, even 20 years later, I still experience an occasional PTSD-like response to perceived rejection.


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## Down_And_Out

I'm changing my work schedule to make myself more available for the opportunity. Right now I literally have NO time. NONE! And I hate it. I send a message to my friend detailing my day to day schedule and they were blown away. I can share if interested. Its kind of mind blowing.


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## arbitrator

Down_And_Out said:


> I'm changing my work schedule to make myself more available for the opportunity. Right now I literally have NO time. NONE! And I hate it. I send a message to my friend detailing my day to day schedule and they were blown away. I can share if interested. Its kind of mind blowing.


*Share! Share!*


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## Richi300

The urge is strong. Another reason I ask...The last woman I was with after my divorce caught feelings quick. I told her my situation but seemed it didn't matter. I don't know what is when some women...emphasis on some...come on stronger when you don't want to go any further than sleeping together. Reminds me of my ex wife...After use hooking up a few times... And see I really liked her a lot before we hooked but when she gave it up to me I lost respect and moved...And without my knowledge of it.. The woman quit her job uprooted her life, followed me where I was staying at the time, found me, showed up to my place to confessed her undying love for me. Took me a while to give her a chance because at that time I was doing me and I thought what she did was kinda crazy. The woman bought a wedding dress before we got serious. After talking to my mother who loved her.. I decided to give her a shot...she did all the right things I didn't know still exist. I never wanted to ever get married but my ex convinced me a long with our families getting along and our chemistry being too in sync. Got off topic a little there..sorry but I say all that to say this......I feel like a similar situation will happen and I'm going to have to unintentionally hurt one of them for a night or nights of pleasure..or vice versa..man idk...I just don't want any drama at this point....but God knows the urge is so strong.


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## GuyInColorado

You're posting on the Internet if you should be having sex or holding out until you're in love. WTF?

You should be getting laid almost every night. To have a girl desire you, touch every inch of your body and let you do her anywhere and anyhow you want, is the best feeling in the world.

Go get laid.


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## dadstartingover

Get your testosterone checked. Stress and age have probably knocked it down to nothing. You should be wanting to bang everything that moves.


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## Rob_1

I do not understand what is going on in today's world. When marriages/relations end, most of the women are quickly moving on, or at least dating, while the guys are at home crying and/or unable to move on to the point that they are so emotionally crippled that they are unable to accept free sex WTF?? At least That's how it looks to me from reading the majority of posts of OPs after their failed relationships ends.
Man, I did not grow up seeing men being so wimpy as many of today's men.


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## marriageontherocks2

It's not uncommon in my opinion. People think men are driven by nothing but their libido, but we have every ability to control it and we do.

When I was in boot-camp and deployed with thousands of dudes, sex wasn't on the table (and if it was, it wasn't the sex I wanted) so I rarely got hard up or desired it. It's like the body can shut down that need, it's called monk mode, and it's actually enormously liberating. When having regular sex I need more and more and I can't go 5 minutes without thinking about it. But when it's not available, the mind is free.

You've basically reached a point where interactions sexually and romantically with women has been so disastrous to you mentally, that the idea of being intimate or entertaining another relationship is completely off-putting so the sex drive is reduced or shut down.

There's NOTHING wrong with being a man and not wanting to engage women romantically, sexually, or in any other way, for a brief or extended period of time due to prior experiences. If you're happy and it's working for you, do what you want.

I think a lot of this "bang everything that moves", and "**** every night brah" is a lot of bravado. I think a year off sex working on yourself will be much more beneficial than reverting to your 20 year old self and trying to fix your wounds with meaningless sex, drinking, or whatever other remedies are commonly offered to men.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

Rob_1 said:


> I do not understand what is going on in today's world. When marriages/relations end, most of the women are quickly moving on, or at least dating, while the guys are at home crying and/or unable to move on to the point that they are so emotionally crippled that they are unable to accept free sex WTF?? At least That's how it looks to me from reading the majority of posts of OPs after their failed relationships ends.
> Man, I did not grow up seeing men being so wimpy as many of today's men.


I agree completely that dudes today are generally more fragile than in the past.

But I don't necessarily see not wanting to revert to man ho status as evidence of that. For some, meaningless sex is not appealing, and there's nothing un-masculine about lacking interest in sex outside of a committed relationship. 

If my marriage somehow came to an end, I wouldn't waste any tears, or any time moving on with my life. But that doesn't mean I'd be looking to jump any woman I could.


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## marriageontherocks2

Rob_1 said:


> I do not understand what is going on in today's world. When marriages/relations end, most of the women are quickly moving on, or at least dating, while the guys are at home crying and/or unable to move on to the point that they are so emotionally crippled...


This won't be popular but men love women differently than women love men. Did you ever hear the expression, "men love women, women love kids, kids love puppies"?

The idea is the same way a child can take for granted and never truly know their mother's love for them, a man loves his wife in a similar way that the woman can't understand. 

Women have typically already checked out years before the marriage ended and already put the work in to emotionally detach and heal prior to the divorce. Men typically ignore the problems and get slammed when it happens resulting in years of work to get over it.

Finally, women keep the house, kids, and get half his paycheck, the only thing they lose is the guy they can't stand. The man gets a ****ty 1 BR apartment, sees his kids every other weekend, and lives off about 30% what he used to.

All of this combined is why women move on easier.


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## JustMe1980

Ok, I’m a woman and my divorce will be final this week. We have been separated 6 months. I haven’t really been looking seriously but where are you guys??? I’m a woman with a good libido. Ex never could keep his hands to himself but I was a faithful wife for 20 years. I’m wanting to get to know someone, date in a traditional sense and then....ya know. Well everything everywhere seems to be all about hook-ups and guys don’t seem to know how to date a woman any more....they just wanna go straight for the goods. I’m 37 and attractive but I’m not a ho....I’m just hoping that there really are relationship minded men out there somewhere!


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

JustMe1980 said:


> Ok, I’m a woman and my divorce will be final this week. We have been separated 6 months. I haven’t really been looking seriously but where are you guys??? I’m a woman with a good libido. Ex never could keep his hands to himself but I was a faithful wife for 20 years. I’m wanting to get to know someone, date in a traditional sense and then....ya know. Well everything everywhere seems to be all about hook-ups and guys don’t seem to know how to date a woman any more....they just wanna go straight for the goods. I’m 37 and attractive but I’m not a ho....I’m just hoping that there really are relationship minded men out there somewhere!


 @JustMe1980

I wish you the absolute best when the time comes. You sound like you deserve a great guy.

My fear is that the guy you describe, which you most assuredly to deserve, is the type of guy who stays married. The ones who ended up with so bad a deal that they do bolt are pretty rare. If there's any justice in the universe, you will find such a man.


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## JustMe1980

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> JustMe1980 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Ok, I’m a woman and my divorce will be final this week. We have been separated 6 months. I haven’t really been looking seriously but where are you guys??? I’m a woman with a good libido. Ex never could keep his hands to himself but I was a faithful wife for 20 years. I’m wanting to get to know someone, date in a traditional sense and then....ya know. Well everything everywhere seems to be all about hook-ups and guys don’t seem to know how to date a woman any more....they just wanna go straight for the goods. I’m 37 and attractive but I’m not a ho....I’m just hoping that there really are relationship minded men out there somewhere!
> 
> 
> 
> @JustMe1980
> 
> I wish you the absolute best when the time comes. You sound like you deserve a great guy.
> 
> My fear is that the guy you describe, which you most assuredly to deserve, is the type of guy who stays married. The ones who ended up with so bad a deal that they do bolt are pretty rare. If there's any justice in the universe, you will find such a man.
Click to expand...

You make It seem so hopeful...lol That is exactly my fear. Maybe there is a good man out there on the flip side of my situation?


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## marriageontherocks2

JustMe1980 said:


> You make It seem so hopeful...lol That is exactly my fear. Maybe there is a good man out there on the flip side of my situation?


I think issue for men and women, is that after a disastrous marriage and divorce, anyone looking to jump into a new relationship is more than likely someone who hasn't grown or learned from the divorce and just need someone so they're not alone. In that event you're just repeating history. And men are much more likely to be guilty of this, women are more likely to do some therapy and self-improvement to assess why their marriage failed.

So for a woman at 37 your left with the following men:

1. Bachelor for life, plate-spinner, only wants sex
2. Lonely dude desperate for a woman, was a terrible husband for 15 years and has done nothing to improve himself
3. Jaded man who hates women
4. The emotionally healthy man who went through years of self discovery and improvement during the breakdown of his marriage, was honest about his failings and grew from them, just wants to be single for the remainder of his life and date casually.
5. The elusive emotionally available man who went through years of self discovery and improvement during the breakdown of his marriage, was honest about his failings and grew from them, eagerly wants a partner for the rest of his life

The #5 guy is not common.


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## Louise McCann

Wow we live in such a sexist world. 

When I mentioned wanting meaningless sex, I got so much hate for being immoral and how no quality man would want a woman like me.

The comments here couldn't be more than supportive.

Talk about double standards.
& yes if you're horny go for it.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

Louise McCann said:


> Wow we live in such a sexist world.
> 
> When I mentioned wanting meaningless sex, I got so much hate for being immoral and how no quality man would want a woman like me.
> 
> The comments here couldn't be more than supportive.
> 
> Talk about double standards.
> & yes if you're horny go for it.


You're absolutely right about the double standard between your thread and this one. Silly me... I thought we'd outgrown that sort of thing. 

However, I will point out that while the general tenor of the responses between the threads is 180 out, I don't think it's the exact same posters making the conflicting statements. I think the ones who would take you to task for your approach are not the same ones telling this OP to go out and nail everything that's not already nailed down. Different people, so no individual is expressing a double standard.


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## Louise McCann

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Louise McCann said:
> 
> 
> 
> Wow we live in such a sexist world.
> 
> When I mentioned wanting meaningless sex, I got so much hate for being immoral and how no quality man would want a woman like me.
> 
> The comments here couldn't be more than supportive.
> 
> Talk about double standards.
> & yes if you're horny go for it.
> 
> 
> 
> You're absolutely right about the double standard between your thread and this one. Silly me... I thought we'd outgrown that sort of thing.
> 
> However, I will point out that while the general tenor of the responses between the threads is 180 out, I don't think it's the exact same posters making the conflicting statements. I think the ones who would take you to task for your approach are not the same ones telling this OP to go out and nail everything that's not already nailed down. Different people, so no individual is expressing a double standard.
Click to expand...

True... but maybe the double standard-people decided to skip out on commenting? Though one can't deny how different the tune in this thread is from mine. Everyone here is very encouraging while the comments on mine were along the lines of "go sort yourself out, men don't like that women like that, you don't value yourself, focus on your kid, blah blah blah." Cringing so hard.

There is one common poster here, however. The one who called me a Tinder slag hahaha (sorry I had to call you out).


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## GuyInColorado

Louise McCann said:


> Wow we live in such a sexist world.
> 
> When I mentioned wanting meaningless sex, I got so much hate for being immoral and how no quality man would want a woman like me.
> 
> The comments here couldn't be more than supportive.
> 
> Talk about double standards.
> & yes if you're horny go for it.


Who cares what a bunch of losers on the Internet think. It's just sex. The only people that hate meaningless sex are either religious sheep or people not getting sex themselves. I'd also bet $5 they are overweight and haven't seen their private parts in years.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

Louise McCann said:


> True... but maybe the double standard-people decided to skip out on commenting?


I think the real difference is that you, as the OP, were talking about getting laid while the OP in the other thread wasn't... him getting laid was advice (of dubious value) from respondents to his post. 

To be fair, I have seen posts on TAM telling women in the midst of a breakup, or post breakup, to go find a hot stud and bang him like a drum (again, though, it is less common).


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## marriageontherocks2

Louise McCann said:


> There is one common poster here, however. The one who called me a Tinder slag hahaha (sorry I had to call you out).


This is what I wrote, and this was after discussing the potential damage from endless Tinder hookups, and how you put men into the "men to **** box" and "men to date box", not just your original story, context is always important:



> High quality men won't date a single mom who was basically a Tinder slag for the past couple years. If your plan is just to bang "hot guys" and then sucker a dude later on into thinking that you're a high quality woman, I think it's going to be a tough road for you. Men are not as stupid as you think.


And my advice is sound. Fact is, men are more concerned by a woman's sexual past, how she treats sex, is it something she values and protects? Or is it nothing to her? a woman who doesn't value sex and who she sleeps with, and she's past that youthful indiscretion phase, likely means she has very low self-esteem, and more likely to stray when some "hot guy" gives her attention. And a man (especially one with many options) will take into consideration if a girl he started dating just banged random dudes on Tinder for years because they were "hot". Any man with self-respect would walk away knowing that he's being setup to be mr beta bux and be taken advantage of by that type of woman. He has to work for it endlessly but for mr 6 pack all it takes is a 2 minute video of him exposing himself. What man would be OK with that? likely none you would want to date.

let me put it this way, you meet a new guy, he's great, great family, good job, he's taking it slow and letting the relationship build and he cares for you. Would you tell him that you spent years banging "hot guys" on Tinder that you didn't even know? If not, why?

And for the record my advice to the OP wasn't contradictory at all, I told him not to go out and bang anything that moves, you decided to just ignore it.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

GuyInColorado said:


> Who cares what a bunch of losers on the Internet think. It's just sex. The only people that hate meaningless sex are either religious sheep or people not getting sex themselves. I'd also bet $5 they are overweight and haven't seen their private parts in years.


Pay up, buddy.

While I'm not one of the ones who would fault @Louise McCann for just wanting to get plowed, your blanket condemnation is equally offensive... and erroneous. 

I'm neither religious, nor fat (nor unattractive in any way--classic tall, dark, handsome, and very well built, even at age 53, also well off financially, good sense of humor, etc)

I have no interest in meaningless sex. Many of my peers are the same.


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## john117

JustMe1980 said:


> You make It seem so hopeful...lol That is exactly my fear. Maybe there is a good man out there on the flip side of my situation?


I know one guy he's 45 and has the most impressive collection of guy stuff this side of the Smithsonian. 

Absurdly funny, well off, never married, BMW convertible... 

He's not LTR material. Had one for 15 years, she dumped him, and either he never got over it or doesn't care.


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## Satya

What do you want?

That's the first question you should really answer.

Do you just want to get your rocks off and feel virile?

or... 

Do you feel ready for another lasting relationship?

These are the next ones to answer. Your behavior will need to suit appropriately. Maybe you're not sure yet.... Or you want to try one way and decide you're ready for the other. YOU ARE HUMAN. 

Just be very wary. As the old knight tells Indiana Jones, "you must choose wisely." There ARE women out there who can compartmentalize sex (I. E., sex is just sex) but I believe that they are RARE. Many women will become intimately bonded and will expect more. This is by design. 

And in all honesty, if you engage with such a woman, you'd better be prepared to accept her as she is, accept she'll want some form of commitment, or avoid her altogether. Many of us don't want to put skin into a losing game. That wastes our time, youth, and energy that we don't get back. Wastes your time, too. 

Sometimes women swear they don't get hooked. I had several woman friends claim this. Every single one of them fell for their FWBs and were quite upset the guys just didn't want anything long term. I sat with them all for a long afternoon and FINALLY got them all to admit they DID want something permanent, and they agreed to change their ways, seek only available and ready men who shared their values, and guess what? Some are married, some are in LTRs... all are reasonably (some massively) happy. I've watched them come as couples to house parties for the last 5 years. Because they admitted to themselves what they really wanted.

Don't ask anyone to choose for you. You need to do what's best for you.


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## ConanHub

Richi300 said:


> I'm going to get straight to the point. Its been a WHILE since I've had sex. Here lately I have been getting alot of attention from women and have been offered to have sex by two of them. But I just can't do it. I'm starting to fear the walls I've built to protect myself after my damn near mental breakdown of a divorce are neutralizing my desires to be with someone else.... Idk...I want to give in and have sex with all interested parties but I don't feel like playing the game nor be in a situation to hurt someone...**** I don't want to get hurt...lets be real....The dilemma....Keep moving in my safety net or have empty sex ..(at this point im questioning am I even a Man)lol...What would you do?


Read up on your history. WOW! Your ex is seriously deranged!

I don't know if you have been in counseling but I suggest it. Regardless of what the future holds, you need to be healthy. You don't sound too solid at the moment.

That would be the only thing I can see getting in your way when dating is your emotional/mental health.

I honestly don't even know if you are ready for the casual sex you are asking about because you should be honest with anyone you are getting involved with at any level but you will probably scare off good candidates in your current state.

My advice is get healthy and more confident in yourself then relationships will develop naturally.

I'm not a proponent of casual hookups to begin with but you honestly don't sound like your in a good place for any of it right now.


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## Louise McCann

GuyInColorado said:


> Louise McCann said:
> 
> 
> 
> Wow we live in such a sexist world.
> 
> When I mentioned wanting meaningless sex, I got so much hate for being immoral and how no quality man would want a woman like me.
> 
> The comments here couldn't be more than supportive.
> 
> Talk about double standards.
> & yes if you're horny go for it.
> 
> 
> 
> Who cares what a bunch of losers on the Internet think. It's just sex. The only people that hate meaningless sex are either religious sheep or people not getting sex themselves. I'd also bet $5 they are overweight and haven't seen their private parts in years.
Click to expand...

Erm I think I am in love with you...

You are HILARIOUS AS F*CK hahaha


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## Louise McCann

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> GuyInColorado said:
> 
> 
> 
> Who cares what a bunch of losers on the Internet think. It's just sex. The only people that hate meaningless sex are either religious sheep or people not getting sex themselves. I'd also bet $5 they are overweight and haven't seen their private parts in years.
> 
> 
> 
> Pay up, buddy.
> 
> While I'm not one of the ones who would fault @Louise McCann for just wanting to get plowed, your blanket condemnation is equally offensive... and erroneous.
> 
> I'm neither religious, nor fat (nor unattractive in any way--classic tall, dark, handsome, and very well built, even at age 53, also well off financially, good sense of humor, etc)
> 
> I have no interest in meaningless sex. Many of my peers are the same.
Click to expand...

I would have never guessed, you seem like a very cool open-minded lad. Despite you not believing in meaningless sex personally, you haven't tried to pass off condenscending judgement onto me and for that I can appreciate. 

You are a wise man.


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## ConanHub

GuyInColorado said:


> Who cares what a bunch of losers on the Internet think. It's just sex. The only people that hate meaningless sex are either religious sheep or people not getting sex themselves. I'd also bet $5 they are overweight and haven't seen their private parts in years.


Bad day at the ranch compadre?


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

Louise McCann said:


> I would have never guessed, you seem like a very cool open-minded lad. Despite you not believing in meaningless sex personally, you haven't tried to pass off condenscending judgement onto me and for that I can appreciate.
> 
> You are a wise man.


Is there a "blushing" emoticon?

Thanks for the kind words.


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## Richi300

@ConanHub Yeah my divorce was pretty damaging to say the least. I've gotten used to being alone. After reading this thread I've come to conclusion I'm not that same guy I was in my 20's. I enjoyed being a husband living the domesticated life. After feeling that kind of pain I don't want to put anyone through that. I already tried just having sex after my divorce....was a disaster. Think everyone is getting this thread confused with me asking for permission rather than hearing opinions. But I can see how it could be lost in translation.


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## Thor

Interesting thread.

I think age plays a big part in our attitudes post-divorce, as well as our experiences in marriage and how the divorce went. Most people over 50 are not looking for another marriage, at least not as a primary goal in dating. That's my age bracket. If we go to younger age brackets, we see mid-life crisis kinds of attitudes, with people looking for lots of hook-ups. Younger still we see a strong desire to get married again.

For me, I liked being married and I like having a close relationship. I don't want to serially date where there's a woman for a couple of months and then move on to the next one for a couple of months. That's way too much work! But I don't want to get married again.

But I like sex, too.

So the issue really is being sure both parties are in full agreement about what the relationship entails. You need to be honest that you desire sex but don't want to get super serious or plan on marriage. And then you need to continually assess whether the other person is really on the same page or just pretending to be.

For me, there are some things I need to unlearn. Wrong lessons about sex and women from my long dysfunctional marriage, as well as various societal values which are very different today. This is definitely a challenge for me in the bedroom.

Richi300, I hear some similar themes in what you've written in terms of not wanting to hurt women, and being worried about the crazy ones you might run into. My advice is to proceed with sex but be aware of your own thoughts and keep evaluating if the woman is on the same page as you in terms of the relationship.

Sex too soon is a potentially bad thing unless you are both in agreement this is just a fun friendship not a big romance.

Lots of women are interested in sex, even casual sex. It is a totally normal thing these days for women to go a bit crazy with casual sex after divorce. Just be honest with the woman what your relationship rules are. If she is a willing participant and agrees, neither one of you is harming the other. The flip side view is you are both using each other equally, with consent.


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## Bonkers

GuyInColorado said:


> Who cares what a bunch of losers on the Internet think.


Virtually every person that posts on this board.


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