# Concerned that Lack of Sex is a Symptom of a Bigger Problem



## Garrett84 (Sep 28, 2014)

My wife and I have been married for over 9 years and many aspects of our relationship seem healthy. We support each other, we communicate pretty well, we have fun together... but we've never had a healthy sexual relationship. We waited until we were married to have sex. We messed around, but never actually had sex until the wedding night. I think waiting putting a lot of strain on our relationship because we both wanted to have sex and it caused this weird stress to wait. Anyway, after 9 years of marriage we only have sex a couple times a year. We've had many discussions about it and the conclusion is that my wife just doesn't like sex. She says she doesn't feel good about herself and that it isn't my fault, but I"m not so sure. My concern is that I am doing something wrong; not physically or sexually, but psychologically. I love my wife and I am very dedicated to her. I'm scared that the reason she doesn't want to have sex is that I am not making her feel good about herself. I hate to say it, but I have to turn to porn to fulfill my needs which makes me feel like I'm letting her down; and yes, I've told her about it and she says she understands. I don't know what advice I'm looking for here, but I wanted to get this off my chest.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Garrett84 said:


> My wife and I have been married for over 9 years and many aspects of our relationship seem healthy. We support each other, we communicate pretty well, we have fun together... but we've never had a healthy sexual relationship. We waited until we were married to have sex. We messed around, but never actually had sex until the wedding night. I think waiting putting a lot of strain on our relationship because we both wanted to have sex and it caused this weird stress to wait. Anyway, after 9 years of marriage we only have sex a couple times a year. We've had many discussions about it and the conclusion is that my wife just doesn't like sex. She says she doesn't feel good about herself and that it isn't my fault, but I"m not so sure. My concern is that I am doing something wrong; not physically or sexually, but psychologically. I love my wife and I am very dedicated to her. I'm scared that the reason she doesn't want to have sex is that I am not making her feel good about herself. I hate to say it, but I have to turn to porn to fulfill my needs which makes me feel like I'm letting her down; and yes, I've told her about it and she says she understands. I don't know what advice I'm looking for here, but I wanted to get this off my chest.


Was your wife a virgin because of her religious upbringing? How old was she when you two met and how old when you two married? How did you two draw the line on sexual petting before you got married?

You are NOT to blame for her lack of sexual freedom. While there are some things you could to do help, the reason she doesn't want to have sex remains to be discovered. What does she claim as the reason why she only will agree to sex a few times a year? Does she have ANY idea how outrageous that is to most people, let alone most men?

Do not assign yourself any lame for porn/masturbation. Of course you are watching porn! Human beings are highly sexual creatures who are receptive to sex even outside of reproductive prompts. Animals are only receptive to sex when the female is in estrus, yet women can be and usually are receptive to sex through out her cycle. The problem is your wife, not you.

So what's her deal? What conversations have you had?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Sex is often not that great for women when they first start having it. We need time to explore and figure out what we like and I'd bet your wife hasn't done this. In addition, if you were a virgin you probably have no idea how to please a woman beyond what you see in porn, which is not geared toward a womans pleasure. Given all of this it's not surprising to me that she doesn't like sex, she's never had good sex. I don't mean to imply this is all your fault or that you don't want to please her, it's just your unfortunate circumstances.

You guys might think about seeing a sex therapist and watching some nice soft core together. Does your wife masturbate? If so then she has a sexual response you can work with. Try experimenting with lots of different things with a completely open mind, but she must be on board. Tell her that you want to have a sex life that's pleasurable for her and she's denying herself something wonderful, but remember that you have to be open to her likes and dislikes as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Garrett84 (Sep 28, 2014)

We were in our early 20s when we got married. We both had limited sexual experiences previous to our marriage because of religious beliefs. We had each had a couple of sexual encounters previous to each other which we considered mistakes. With each other, we did just about everything except actual sex, but even then we tried to limit it. 

I am very willing to try anything she would be interested in and I completely understand that porn is not a form of sexual education. That being said, yes we have little experience and I don't think either of us has ever had good sex. She does not masturbate and, to my knowledge, has never had an orgasm with anyone. She flat-out says that she has no interest in having an orgasm and that she doesn't want to feel like a science experiment. She mainly states that anything sexual makes her uncomfortable, that she doesn't feel good about her body, and that she is afraid of getting pregnant. She was never abused or anything like that. We are both well educated, intelligent adults. It's not like we don't understand the importance of sex or how it works. That connection has just never been made. 

My concern goes beyond my physical desires. I want us to be closer emotionally. I think that therapy is probably the best solution, but we always find an excuse not to go. We love each other very much, but I think we're just embarrassed.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Sounds to me like she needs therapy to get over her aversion to sex. It's inhibiting her sexual relationship with you which will most likely spill over into other parts of your relationship.

As far as I know even the most religious of people believe in a healthy sex within the bounds of marriage. It's too simple to blame it on religion. In my mind she has unhealthy views of sex and will not simply "get over it". She needs to get to the root of it and deal with that.


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## Garrett84 (Sep 28, 2014)

MaritimeGuy said:


> Sounds to me like she needs therapy to get over her aversion to sex. It's inhibiting her sexual relationship with you which will most likely spill over into other parts of your relationship.
> 
> As far as I know even the most religious of people believe in a healthy sex within the bounds of marriage. It's too simple to blame it on religion. In my mind she has unhealthy views of sex and will not simply "get over it". She needs to get to the root of it and deal with that.


I agree. I don't think anyone, religious or not, would say that sex is unhealthy in a marriage. We know it's an issue, but we've learned to function without sex. I don't blame myself entirely, but I don't think it's all her fault either. Maybe I don't compliment her enough. Maybe I'm too impatient. I don't know...


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Except that religion tends to suppress female sexuality until marriage when all of a sudden a woman is supposed to turn into a sex fiend. And to this day there are cultures that believe suppressing female sexuality is the way to guarantee she will be faithful. But for women this is a process since our sexuality is a little more complicated, and your wife has not experienced this. Factor in theconstant messages that our bodies are being compared to not only celebrities and porn stars but heavily photoshopped images of women that don't even exist and it's a lot to handle, both for a woman and her poor husband. Definitely some therapy could help, and I agree that it's not only the physical but the emotional connection you need. If you just need a release your hand works fine, but most people need the connection of a partner.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I don't see it as an issue of fault. I'm sure she didn't choose to be this way. Something in her upbringing has made her uncormfortable with sex. She's missing out on one of the most wonderful parts of life


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

She definitely is but doesn't realize it because she's never had it. Definitely nobody's fault though. Too bad she doesn't have a female friend or relative that's close to her who could tell her this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Garrett84 (Sep 28, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> She definitely is but doesn't realize it because she's never had it. Definitely nobody's fault though. Too bad she doesn't have a female friend or relative that's close to her who could tell her this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think that's why it's hard to talk about because we both feel to blame. We're probably getting hung up on the wrong thing. I know she has friends that she is close with, but I get the feeling that she avoids the topic of sex even with them. She gets embarrassed easily and absolutely hates feeling that way.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

How can she possibly know she doesn't like it if she's never had an O?
Contraception is widely available and should not even be a concern so check that off. What "issues" does she have with her body? Is she comfortable with you seeing her nude?


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## Garrett84 (Sep 28, 2014)

NoChoice said:


> How can she possibly know she doesn't like it if she's never had an O?
> Contraception is widely available and should not even be a concern so check that off. What "issues" does she have with her body? Is she comfortable with you seeing her nude?


She is very paranoid about getting pregnant. She's on birth control and we use condoms... and I will repeat that we are not stupid. She just worries about that.

I've tried asking how she doesn't know what she hasn't tried, but she is so paralyzed by the embarrassment of the topic that what seems like a logical argument doesn't really work. I think there has been a snowball effect where we've had the problem for so long that's is become very difficult to overcome. 

I think the real issue is that she is embarrassed by sex and ashamed of her body. She's struggled with her weight her whole life. I try to tell her that she's beautiful but that makes her uncomfortable too. It's to the point that I don't compliment her as much as I should because she usually reacts negatively. Maybe I should try harder. She's accomplished a lot in life and her career. She's caring, successful, and well liked but this doesn't translate to confidence about her physical appearance.


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## Garrett84 (Sep 28, 2014)

So, the comments have been very helpful. Where do I go from here? Suggest she talk to a friend or a counselor? Couples counseling? Suggestions?


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

It does sound like that she has some irrational fear and anxiety. I mean oral contraceptive and condoms and she still is paralyzed about getting pregnant. Do you guys eventually want children? If not and you are sure, then you could have a V or her a TL. Ultimately though she is right in that nothing is a guaranteed 100%. 

If she is this uncomfortable talking to you about this what are the odds you could get her in to see a counselor?

I in no way meant to imply stupidity and if you or she took it as such I apologize. If you believe that she would/could open up to a counselor then I would definitely say it would be worth a shot however, if she can't truly open up and discuss frankly her issues and feelings then the counselor will be of little use and it will be a waste of money. They have techniques and methods that may indeed get her to open up if she is at least willing to honestly attempt it. In the mean time you giving her as much positive reinforcement as possible while, at the same time, expressing the seriousness of your needs is about all you can do. It's really up to her to rationalize this anxiety and overcome it or go to someone who can help her to.

One other thought. If she is as self conscious about her body as you say then perhaps the porn is not the wisest of ideas. The actresses in those porn flicks are usually not representative of "normal" women and that may be adding to her angst, the thought of you watching those "perfect" women. It may make her feel even less desirable if she thinks of comparing herself to them. Just a thought.


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## Garrett84 (Sep 28, 2014)

NoChoice said:


> It does sound like that she has some irrational fear and anxiety. I mean oral contraceptive and condoms and she still is paralyzed about getting pregnant. Do you guys eventually want children? If not and you are sure, then you could have a V or her a TL. Ultimately though she is right in that nothing is a guaranteed 100%.
> 
> If she is this uncomfortable talking to you about this what are the odds you could get her in to see a counselor?
> 
> I in no way meant to imply stupidity and if you or she took it as such I apologize. If you believe that she would/could open up to a counselor then I would definitely say it would be worth a shot however, if she can't truly open up and discuss frankly her issues and feelings then the counselor will be of little use and it will be a waste of money. They have techniques and methods that may indeed get her to open up if she is at least willing to honestly attempt it. In the mean time you giving her as much positive reinforcement as possible while, at the same time, expressing the seriousness of your needs is about all you can do. It's really up to her to rationalize this anxiety and overcome it or go to someone who can help her to.


Thanks, and sorry for misinterpreting the text; kind of a touchy subject and I don't want people to think poorly of her. We've had, what seems like, productive conversations about our feelings and desires but nothing changes. That's why I'm wondering about counseling. I think she would be open to it because she's talked about how her parents have gone and it helped them.

We do want children but will most likely adopt because of our desire to help children without parents. I don't think we will have biological children.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Have you considered not taking no for an answer? At least not without some real resistance?

It's not enough to say she's attractive. Show her that she has you do hot that you won't be denied.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I have to think if you're using both birth control pills and condoms and she still gets pregnant God wanted her to get pregnant. You're a married couple that eventually wants kids anyhow. It wouldn't be the end of the world.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

First of all. Don't stop complimenting just because she doesn't know how to accept a compliment. Teach her how. Instead of accepting her brush off, eye rolling, negating... Grab her shoulders, look her in the eye and tell her again what you said and then tell her to smile and say thank you. 

Sounds like your wife has bought the whole shebang on modesty, chastity and virtue.

And I doubt very much your wife wasn't mistreated. Heavy women can have a good self esteem because they know their worth and value goes beyond the skin, as does everyone's!

Your wife is as closed up as they come and you're going to have to lead the charge to opening the doors. She is going to need therapy and she is going to need to educate herself on healthy sexuality within the confines of a religious marriage. Having God in your life doesn't mean you ignore His greatest gift; sex at will.

So find a therapist a PhD level therapist and have your wife read through this web site to learn what healthy adult female sexuality, within the confines of a Christian marriage looks like.

Christian Nymphos | Married Sex: Spicy, the way God intended it to be!

Lastly, this is not your fault, not entirely. Your fault lies in allowing this to continue. While you may have some things to learn, it is impossible to become a better lover without a responsive sex partner. How could you possible know what to do if your wife isn't helping you by responding let alone by telling you what she likes.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Way too much emotional baggage. Sex once or twice a year?... This is definitely not normal.

She's on birth control AND you're STILL wearing condoms?!... She's a control-freak with serious sexual hangups.

Sorry, time to throw in the towel on this one...


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Wait, do you not have kids? What's the income situation? Do you realize that 10 years could be a significant date for alimony purposes? 

You've given the marriage a fair chance but seriously you're still in a sexless marriage and without kids to hold you there you have no one to blame but yourself if you stay. At the very least check with an attorney to understand your rights, responsibilities and how they will change over the years.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I'd push for counselling...


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Garrett84 said:


> My wife and I have been married for over 9 years and many aspects of our relationship seem healthy. We support each other, we communicate pretty well, we have fun together... but we've never had a healthy sexual relationship. We waited until we were married to have sex. We messed around, but never actually had sex until the wedding night. I think waiting putting a lot of strain on our relationship because we both wanted to have sex and it caused this weird stress to wait. Anyway, after 9 years of marriage we only have sex a couple times a year. We've had many discussions about it and the conclusion is that my wife just doesn't like sex. She says she doesn't feel good about herself and that it isn't my fault, but I"m not so sure. My concern is that I am doing something wrong; not physically or sexually, but psychologically. I love my wife and I am very dedicated to her. I'm scared that the reason she doesn't want to have sex is that I am not making her feel good about herself. I hate to say it, but I have to turn to porn to fulfill my needs which makes me feel like I'm letting her down; and yes, I've told her about it and she says she understands. I don't know what advice I'm looking for here, but I wanted to get this off my chest.


It's not entirely your fault, but there are things you are doing wrong that make the situation worse instead of better.

So all you really should be doing is focusing on what you are doing wrong and not worrying about trying to fix your wife.

Counseling is a possibility, but many counselors are man haters and will side with your wife and at that point your problem will never get fixed.

So what are you doing wrong?
-- Do you know what your wife's emotional needs are in marriage? Do you know what makes her happy and feel good? Are you meeting those needs?
-- Do you realize within your heart and soul that marriages are the only sexual relationship you have in your life? That sex is the one thing that differentiates marriage from any other relationship? That without sex there really is no marriage?
-- Does your wife know that you will not stay with her in a non sexual marriage?
--Do you act in such a way that generally attracts women? Do you take care of yourself? Are you fun to be around? Do you have a good attitude about life?

Taking one more step into the detail behind these questions.
Your wife needs to be happy in her marriage to be open to the idea of sex. Your wife thinks sex is bad and wrong and therefore she must make excuses to herself as to why she must to it. She must be attracted to you. She must feel safe enough to have sex with you, and unsafe if she does not have sex with you.


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## Garrett84 (Sep 28, 2014)

I appreciate the input from everyone. I see now that there are some things that my wife has to overcome. Some of these I can help with. Some I cannot. 

To those who suggested that I get a divorce, that's not something I'm interested in. I think that people give up on marriage too easily these days. There are too many good things in our relationship to give up because of one bad thing. 

To answer some other questions that have come up about me. Yes, I take care of myself. I run or bike every day, dress well, have good hygiene, etc. I'm a bit of an introvert, but I like to make people laugh and very rarely have problems with people. I don't always have an optimistic outlook, but who does? I think my wife feels safe. I'm not violent or verbally abusive if that's what you mean. I'm not perfect, but I'm not a jerk. Attraction is tricky because maybe I'm not her cup of tea, but I don't think that's the problem. 

If anything, I think I could try harder to do the things that make her happy. I keep the house clean and take care of the yard, so it's not like I'm lazy... but I could do more to make her feel special. I need to go out of my way to do things for her like getting her flowers, telling her she looks nice; things like that.

I'll keep checking in, but I'm not sure that I want to continue in the conversation, here in the forum, if the conversation heads towards divorce or the idea that we can't change. I sometimes wonder if people put too much emphasis on sex in marriage. Just a thought... be nice!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Garrett, I sometimes wonder why people don't put MORE emphasis on sex. What's not to LOVE about sex? Great sex is what makes life bearable! Coming together with the person you love after a lousy day, getting naked and enjoying one another's bodies, responses, reactions...for me there is no better stress reducer, joy inducer, calming balm and peace pill than a couple of awesome orgasms.

If you don't feel the same, that's okay too. It's possible that you two can meet in the middle and instead of having sex a couple of times a year maybe you can get to a couple of times a month? Not likely to get to a couple of times a week unless your wife really works therapy. But I do see some hope in your relationship.

So long as you take the lead and insist she become familiar with healthy sexuality and comfortable with her body.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Garrett, I sometimes wonder why people don't put MORE emphasis on sex. What's not to LOVE about sex? Great sex is what makes life bearable! Coming together with the person you love after a lousy day, getting naked and enjoying one another's bodies, responses, reactions...for me there is no better stress reducer, joy inducer, calming balm and peace pill than a couple of awesome orgasms.


...and doesn't cost a dime.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Based on your post, you have no chance to turn this around.
Until sex is important to you, it can never be important to your wife.
I don't believe in divorce either. But if you are great husband, and your wife willingly chooses to ignore your needs, then you are a doormat. And women don't get horny for doormats.


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