# Opinions Needed =)



## IfYouSaySo (Jun 24, 2009)

Hi everyone!! I'm very new here, as well as new to this whole posting threads thing so please be patient with me =) I know my issue may not seem serious to some. I feel as though I have been on an emotional rollercoaster for the past almost year and would REALLY love to get some unbias opinions/advice from completely neutral parties...hence me finding you guys & this post. So I'm just going to toss it out there and hope to hear from you...

I have been married to my husband for almost 20 years now, house, 3 children, dogs, the typical additives lol. We have always had struggles in our relationship but have made it through, learned from our mistakes & grown from it. Last year he began working somewhere new & began a new friendship with a college, a married woman 12 yrs his junior. A few months into this I moved a few hours away(bought a new house) & he stayed closer to his job. He would visit on weekends, holidays, etc during these months leading up to his relocation to a different office. As time went on I noticed he was more unreachable, visited less often or wouldn't stay as long & was less tolerant of my insecurities regarding this. During a serious discussion (which he rarely has with me) he tells me he is confused & doesn't feel he can "be himself" with me. He "loves me but is not in-love with me". So I flip out, become an emotional basket-case & just numb. When he finally relocated to the new office locally I figured this woman would fade...no...the text msgs constantly, he would leave to talk to her on the phone, etc. I voiced my opinions on this and I was told "We are just friends". Now that he knew it bothered me all of this became secret...cell phone locked/on vibrate, passwords changed on all email accts, & his hobbies took him outside of our home more frequently. I contacted her on several occasions, voiced my concerns to her woman to woman & asked for her advice the first few times & finally for her to bow-out for awhile so that we could repair our marriage. She refused...told me she would only do that if HE asked her to. I then contacted her husband & told him my concerns. After 4 mths of this chaos my husband promises me to have no contact with her so we can concentrate 100% on us. 3 weeks later I get a feeling & ask him if they are still in contact, he never answers me, which is my answer right there.

I love this man, he claims to love me. He has been the only person I have been able to count on in every way for over 20 yrs. PLEASE help me to understand what is what here...

Thanks for reading, I know it was reallly long & I left alot out!!


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

your husband is cheating on you.

and based on what you say there's no indication he'll stop.

he thinks he's in love with the other woman.

i'm sorry.

but you knew this didn't you.

your real question is, now what.

your world today, if you hear my words, is not what it was yesterday.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

God...cheating...ugh. Why can't people just stop? NOTHING good EVER comes FROM it.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

Rhea said:


> God...cheating...ugh. Why can't people just stop? NOTHING good EVER comes FROM it.


i don't expect a reply, put another way way my question is rhetorical:

what of a child born from an affair.


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## aj420 (Jun 24, 2009)

I think that you should leave now!! Infidelity is horrible and I think that it is almost impossible to repair properly. You need to worry about you and your children at this point. It seems that he isn't worrying about you. Don't let it go on with you on the sidelines. Be a strong woman and pick up and move on. That's what I think at least,


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

Wow, another case of "I love you but I'm not in love with you" where it means simply, there is someone else. When will people learn...

But I digress, it's hard to imagine that someone you have given your whole adult life to, who was your pilar, your source of everything that is good in life, would turn his back on you and his family for some younger skeezer he works with.

You can beat yourself up and ask why, what have I done to deserve this, why would he do this to us...you can do all of that and waste even more time in life with this guy or you can simply, cut him loose.

How can that be done simply after all these years and everything we've been through? Why can't he understand that I love him and can't imagine life without him? Oh wait, he's LIVING LIFE without YOU...so if he can do it, why can't you?

Make your exit plan, show him the door...and let him eat some of that moldy green grass that's on the other side of hill that slopes downward.

Preacher


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## IfYouSaySo (Jun 24, 2009)

Wow
Yes, of corse I realize he is cheating one way or the other...what I honestly just can't compute is the entire love you but not in-love with you crap. Why stay here and just sneak the calls and keep the emails and texts a secret?? After all the years together and years previously as friends why lie about it???


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Because people think they can get away with it. I never expected that from the one I loved and with whom we could/would discuss anything with total honesty. 

I was lied to for years and cheated on twice. (look for my dumped thread if you want the story)

There is no valid reason to cheat. If you want someone else, end the current relationship first.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

This is an emotional affair at best, possibly physical. He claims to be just friends with her and if it is an EA it is very possible that is what he thought it was. If he did cut ties with her for some time and was drawn back to her then he should now understand the emotional connection is more than friendship. Typically when a spouse engages in an EA it is because they are looking for something they are not receiving from their spouse. It may not be physical need but an emotional one. Self worth, validation, ego strokes, some one who “understands them”.… But in the end he will have to end contact with her in order to truly focus on you and your marriage. Since there is some distance involved that will be helpful. When he decided to concentrate 100% on you and the marriage what did that entail? What needs to be corrected or adjusted? Also you will need to find out from him what need she fills for him. Why does he seek her contact, what is he missing? If you can determine these things it will give you some direction on what you can do to help improve the situation. To help you with the emotional rollercoaster I would suggest you read Dobson’s Love Must be Tough. It can help to build confidence and show you how letting go can actually draw a spouse back. It was of great assistance to me and my marriage..

My marriage survived the EA my wife engaged in two years ago. This kind of situation can turn around but it will take a lot of effort, understanding and patience. (We are still recovering) It will likely be painful but it can be done. Good luck.


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## IfYouSaySo (Jun 24, 2009)

At times I really do want to just walk away, unfortunately reality prevents it. We are in a new house, in a new town and I'm currently unemployed because of it....still looking but especially now jobs are scarce.

I disagree with the whole cares about me as a friend...friends are honest with eachother and communicate...he is/does neither with me.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

recent_cloud said:


> i don't expect a reply, put another way way my question is rhetorical:
> 
> what of a child born from an affair.


No child is ever a mistake in my eyes. They choose not to make themselves nor the path in which they are brought to be. That statement was meant relationship wise. Cheating although it can be overcome if two people are willing to work through it, I've never heard any one say d*mn I'm really glad so and so cheated on me, it's the best thing that's ever happened to me.


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## IfYouSaySo (Jun 24, 2009)

Maybe it's because it's really late here but Rhea please excuse me but I just don't get what you mean by that post...

As far as my husband goes I am soooo frustrated atm. I do not understand for the life of me how he can promise to have no contact with this woman, promise he'll do whatever it takes to fix this and then break his word! How does some co-worker who was 10 when we got married become more important than someone he has known since he was 15??

I'm just sooooo sad and so confused =(


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

IfYouSaySo said:


> finally for her to bow-out for awhile so that we could repair our marriage. *She refused...told me she would only do that if HE asked her to*. I then contacted her husband & told him my concerns.


This basically tells me that they are an item. No self respecting woman who was "only a friend" would put that friendship before the "friends" marriage. 

For her to feel like that, I am guessing that your husband has made her feel she might have a future with him - *even if this is not true*.

Sorry, but the pair of them are behaving like rats. Show him this post, and get him to deny it!


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## IfYouSaySo (Jun 24, 2009)

MT~ I love your posts...

My h doesn't know I'm on this site, I really don't think he is even aware of it being as though this seems like a site for people who actually WANT to work through their problems.

I'm in a new town and although have tried to meet people it's much smaller of a town than we were living in so meeting/befriending people has been very difficult. I really do not have anyone to vent to that can be totally unbias...you know they are all either friends of mine from high school or friends of ours together. So I found this site and figured I'd give it a go.

As I said in my original post about my situation I did leave alot out. I wasn't sure how much people are willing to sit and read and really want to get honest opinions/advice from outside the box so I kept it as short as possible. I'm more than willing to add the entire story in as we go deeper into this topic, I just want to make sure it won't fall on deaf ears as my words seem to do here at home.

Thank you for all the replies...I do consider each and every one of them...please continue to share with me more of your thoughts, views and opinions.


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## IfYouSaySo (Jun 24, 2009)

MizSmith~
I hear you. I absolutely agree. I am not certain that they are both on the same page tho about being together. She is also married, both her and her H are in the military and have a young baby. I think it is more my H pursuing her. She loves the attention and the feeling of having an 'upper-hand' in a sense with me. I also think that once her H returns from deployment that her contact with my H is going to change dramatically. I'm not betting the farm on any of this mind you just trying to see it from outside the box.

Unfortunately moving home is not an option for me. I have no family other than my H and our children. We bought this house a year ago so we're actually both stuck in it. I am actively searching locally for a job and friends no luck as of yet. Bad timing on my part I guess in moving, bad choice on location and an even bigger bad choice on not going to college or having a career/trade to fall back on just in case. I never dreamed we would ever be in this situation so I stayed home to raise our children and a few years ago landed a job I loved but left it to move here. I guess you could say I was on the road to independance a year ago but have been derailed by my own bad decisions. It is what is it...sucks...but I'm still looking.

In the past day or so I have accepted I will never get the answers fron him I'm looking for and/or need. If I do get any at all they are most likely just lip service on his part. I'm no longer asking, it is a total waste of time and oxygen.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

IfYouSaySo said:


> MizSmith~
> She is also married, both her and her H are in the military and have a young baby. I think it is more my H pursuing her. She loves the attention and the feeling of having an 'upper-hand' in a sense with me. I also think that once her H returns from deployment that her contact with my H is going to change dramatically.


This changes everything. If you were to casually mention the possibility of contacting her hubby, that would knock her right off her high horse.


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## IfYouSaySo (Jun 24, 2009)

MT ~

I already contacted her hubby and she went back to my H and that started an ewntire ration of s**t. Her H replied to me asking me what my H was telling me...which makes me think that he is questioning the innocence of this 'friendship' as well.

Thoughts anyone?


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Well am sure he IS questioning this "friendship":rofl: I think it is great you contacted him. That's awesome. He needed to know.


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## IfYouSaySo (Jun 24, 2009)

Thank you Sandy...

Not everyone thinks I should have contacted the H however, I believe he had a right to know what was going on in his absence and ONLY because it directly involved me and my children as well. Had it not involved me, say it was a friend of mine or a co-worker I would never do that...not my buisness or place but since it is my H and his W I felt it completely within my rights and would do it again =)


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

JDPreacher said:


> Wow, another case of "I love you but I'm not in love with you" where it means simply, there is someone else.
> 
> Preacher



Not to hijack the thread, but I have to disagree with you, Preacher. I felt this way for a long, long time without anyone else in the picture. My husband knew it, too. I even told him a couple of times through those years. His feeling was, "love changes, this is normal, we don't need to do anything about it." I tried to accept his point of view. I doubted myself--maybe it was just the normal waning of love over time. Turns out we were both wrong. 

Just my 2 cents.


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## Ilovemyfeelings (Oct 20, 2009)

IfYouSaySo said:


> As far as my husband goes I am soooo frustrated atm. I do not understand for the life of me how he can promise to have no contact with this woman, promise he'll do whatever it takes to fix this and then break his word! How does some co-worker who was 10 when we got married become more important than someone he has known since he was 15??
> 
> I'm just sooooo sad and so confused =(


This too me, is a mid life crisis that his going through...and you are like me... old news ...NOT interesting...oh yeah, must I say NOT young enough. I have NO respect for a MAN that does this but it does show one thing... he is insecure with himself...

You need to get a life, go out find a hobbie but don't tell him want your doing...let him wonder... What's good for the goose is good for the gander...BE HAPPY:smthumbup: Smile all the time when your around him...laugh out loud...JUST DON'T LET him see you hurt or cry...

Then if all the sudden he finds you more interesting...keep your hobbie to yourself. And when he wants to do things with you say...I'm busy today, but would love to go out tomorrow...(this ruins his plans for tomorrow with the other woman) and when you go out with him PLEASE make it about YOU BOTH not "you" or "him"..."US"...be THANKFUL...say, Thanks for going to dinner with me had a wonderful night... 

I'm sorry but it seems when men reach the level of years in marriage the KNOW your habits...and MID LIFE crisis sets in..

So find something you like to do...and be happy...that is if you want this marriage and NOT a divorce..

That's my take....

and yet again this was back in JUNE so I"M catching UP..: )


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