# We need as MANY perspectives anyone can offer on "Rebuilding Trust"



## BrokenWingsFairy (Oct 26, 2007)

We need your help & would like as many points of view as possible, so *please*, whatever your perspective, share it, and tell us how you got there. We're nearing a dreaded "dead end" but want to make sure that we explore every possibility before calling it quits.[/

So, here's the rut that we can't manage to get a foothold in to make our way out of.....We've been together for just shy of 4 years. We came together in a very unhealthy way- both fresh out of relationships & a whirlwind courtship moving straight to commitment, then trying to work around our differences as they arose. We both realize that this is not an ideal way to decide on a partner, so at least if we decide to move on, we will give more consideration to this detail in choosing someone to commit to, but that's beside the point.

Throughout the first year of our relationship we were both pretty dishonest & evasive with each other. I didn't even find out how old he really was until about 3 mos. into our relationship(and he had to be really backed into a corner before he'd admit it). Obviously things wouldn't have worked had we continued that path, so at some point after that first year, I decided that I wouldn't lie anymore....and the only way that I could achieve this, was to not do anything that I'd have a problem disclosing(which started a whole self revalation where I had to really get to know myself so that I could even *establish* what I thought was "right" or "wrong", but again- whole other story). From that point on, I never had anything to lie about, and I found how much easier life is when I'm not the cause of my own problems(I still have obstacles, but it feels much better to not feel like kicking myself for causing them).

Over the next couple of years, I continued to repeatedly catch him being deceitful. He'd fight me tooth & nail, demanding his innocence- even when I had evidence that could be answered no other way than by his deceit, until I'd finally pin him in a corner with it(and that was only for things that I had the capacity to pin him in a corner for- of course, the others he'd never confess to- even when it was evident that he was lying).

We'd go through this cycle- I'd tell him to leave- He'd say, "No," that he loved me & would do whatever it took to prove himself to me- after hours of his pleading, I'd agree- He'd be wonderful for a few days before slipping into an irritability at which point he'd snap at me if I tried to talk to him about his lies, and then always felt that I was "trapping" him. He insists that it has nothing to do with being dishonest, but can't stand to feel as if he's being "watched" by me.

The last time that I caught him in one of his more sizable lies was a little less than a year ago. Since then, while I've not accidentally encountered another deceitful act, I also rarely leave the house. For a long time I tried to figure out how I could resolve it on my own, but have come to find that I can not. I feel as if I simply can't come to a place where I'll feel as if the bond of trust is repaired in a circumstance where he doesn't find in himself the desire to be "an open book" to me for a period of time.

My ex-husband lied to me for the first year of our relationship too, but the last time he did, he said he'd do anything, and he did it, for as long as I needed. If I tried to catch him doing something wrong, more times than not I'd "Catch him" doing something "right", or doing something where he was considering my feelings with even more care than I'd have expected from him. He allowed me to ask questions, and answered them, even when the answers would hurt me. Even when we divorced, I'd not questioned his honesty for a moment, in years.

Here's where I see a problem. In order to repair the bridge of broken trust, this H would have to possess the desire to do "whatever it takes" to reassure me that he's actually living his life by making choices that won't hurt me(as opposed to covering up the things that would). While I'd like to be able to force him to find that desire, of course, I can not.

I tried telling him what I'd need for him to be open to- not taking the cell with him(which he's agreed repeatedly to but keeps sneaking off with, and of course, on the rare day that I dare ask him why he would do that, he explodes), using keylogger software, not using the computer when I'm gone- and he feels like there must be a better way, or a way that wouldn't make him feel so "trapped", "controlled" and "confined", as if I'm dictating his life.

I don't want to dictate his life. I want him to care enough about the pain that he continues to cause me to WANT to do these things on his own....but, like I said before, I realize that I can't control his feelings.

SO.....Please, give us YOUR thoughts. Share stories that any of you have where you've conquered the very difficult task of repairing broken trust. What do you see here? Is there anything else I can do? Is there a way that he can maintain a sense of "freedom" to live as he pleases & I can just eventually assume that he's being honest with me?

HELP US MOVE ON(one way or another)!! Thanks for taking the time to read this & SORRY it's so long.


----------



## sweetpea (Jan 30, 2007)

I am unable to write much at the moment but I wanted to share few thoughts with you. 

Your husband's behavior sounds like he is trying to manipulate you into feeling bad for him and shift attention away from him to you. He should have no problem answering questions from you, if he is willing to commit to your relationship. From reading your post, I believe he is really hiding something, or why would he complain about being "controlled". Honest people do not get angry about being asked about their actions. His behavior reminds me of an addict (I'm not saying your husband is an addict) by denying his own behavior, minimizing his behavior, or blaming others for his behavior. Addicts do a lot of lying, like your husband. 

I know you will probably here this often on the board but you should try to get a marriage counselor for your relationship. A therapist could help the both of you decide what you want out of the relationship. I really feel therapy is the only way to really help the situation. You should go to therapy by yourself, if he does not agree to go. I feel therapy will help you decide what you want out of this relationship. 

Good luck! I will try to write more at a later time.


----------



## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I have two thoughts here...

1) I think you have serious trust issues, period. He has a right to feel like he is being controlled if you are using a keylogger, controlling the cell etc. If youwant the phone records call the phone company you can even get the local calls too.

2) You got with someone during a time you both were shifty. You changed your life for yourself. He can't change (or will not) because you demand that he does. I think you need to communicate with him, like sit down and talk with him that x,y, and z are what you want and need from the relationship. If he can't or will not give those to you You need to move on.

Therapy can help but only if both of you go in and communicate.

I.) Communication~ An Open line of communication can build a great relationship, keep it moving or repair it when there is damage to it. In my view there is nothing more important then being able to talk to your partner about every thing. By communicating I know my wife what she wants and what she expects. The lack of communication almost lost a great thing. The ability to communicate not only saved it but strengthened us.

A.) Listen~ A part of communication has to be the ability to listen. No one wants to spill their heart out if the other person isn’t listening or just paying lip service.

1.) Boundaries~ Listen to what your partner thinks as far as limits. Is hugging okay, how about dancing with someone else? Knowing where your boundaries are can keep you from having to repair a relationship.

B.) Acceptance~ You have to be able to accept what you are being told from your partner. Saying you do doesn’t help if you can’t or refuse to use the information.

C.) Sharing~ You must be willing to share the good and the bad of the day or even your dreams to communicate well.

D.) Conflict Resolution~ Use communication to solve your problems. Most arguments are not because people disagree but rather they can’t or will not compromise or they can’t understand what the other wants. Arguing is the worst form of talking because things not meant to be said are out of anger and most arguments would not happen if there was good communication.

draconis


----------



## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I believe he is really hiding something, or why would he complain about being "controlled".

I disagree with this line, ask anyone who has ever been abused or manipulated. It doesn't matter if it is real or imagined on his part if he feels controlled he will act more and more as she describes even if he is innocent.

draconis


----------

